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dropout | choni_francis_on_vernon_mad_max_maxwell | Welcome to Rob's Hall of Fame. This is the show where every episode we have a guest who tries to convince me of why their underrated favorite should be in my Hall of Fame. Today we have Shoni Francis. Yeah, this is going to be easy work of mine. My favorite belongs in the Hall of Fame. Pat myself on the back, ha ha, here we go. Fantastic.
If you are watching this on the CH2 YouTube channel, you shouldn't be. You got to stop that.
Because this has already been on Dropout for some weeks. Yeah, I'm just going to grieve you. It's been some weeks.
Oh, gosh. You got to go over there. Man. You got to get over there. Subscribe to Dropout. You could see stuff like this early.
And also, they could be a part of our private exclusive Discord where we text back and forth. And I text way different than I talk. Wow. Y'all texting? Yeah, it's fascinating. Y'all texting people? Well, it's like a messaging board thing.
I'm actually real dope. You know about Discord? That shit is dope. That shit is real dope.
Okay. Now, Shoni, I know you from Second City. Second City.
Are you still doing shows there? Yes, I'm still doing shows. There we got a show, a monthly show running called Black People, which of course it's all black people on the team.
What? Get out of here. Yes.
And the best thing about the show is when we get a whole bunch of white people, because we know a lot of white people watch improv, not a lot of black people watch improv. So we're trying to change that. But the best part of the show is when we get a whole bunch of white people to say, black people. And they never really know, they're like, and they're still looking at each other like, it's okay, white people.
It's okay. You could say black people. Does that come at the beginning of the show or just at any point? At any point. I look at the audience and I look at them, I'm like, Hey, and they like black people. I'm like, welcome. And then especially right now, because it's black history month.
And when is that? When is that show? We have one. We just had one last Saturday. Our next one is a February 16, let's just say, yeah, some time in February. Some time in February.
Go to Second City, Hollywood. It's on Hollywood Boulevard.
It is hidden.
I don't want to slander my former, uh, can't even say, they ain't cutting the check right now. So we actually doing them a plug right now. So come see black people. And if we're not at Second City, then, you know, uh, come, uh, yeah, just come see us. You'll hear about it. Come see me. Am I plugging myself right now?
Of course. Okay. That's wherever they put that Chiron or cry on that. That's what it's called. Chiron. Yeah.
I'm Tony Francis, uh, at Instagram and Shoni on Twitter. And just like, uh, Ralph said that, uh, I am not the same person on Instagram as I am on Twitter. Oh yeah. I tweet very differently.
Okay. Now you are from, you're originally from, uh, Houston. Yeah. I'm from H-town. What's up, baby? Okay.
You know what I'm saying already. NASA got to do it. You know what I'm saying? You got to get in home with a screw. Chopped and screwed.
Right. Yeah. And NASA. NASA. Uh, okay. And Beyonce. Yeah. I guess. I was always a fan.
Oh no. It's not that I'm not. It's not that I don't.
Oh shit. I'm out. Cut this shit right now.
I ain't with him, y'all. I am not with him.
I love Kelly Rowland was always my favorite. Okay. You're Kelly Rowland. You like to be second place. I see this is going to be easy to convince you. Just respect. Okay.
Who, who is the person that you're, you're convinced me of? The person that I am convincing you. Let him know.
He in the hall of fame is two time champion, Mr. Florida basketball, the one, the only from the Houston Rockets, the only team in the nineties to win championships with, besides Jordan's Bulls, Vernon, Mad Max, Maxwell.
That was very good.
Right. Now coming up, I'm, I'm originally from Chicago. I am a Bulls fan. Oh, this is going to be easy work.
I did not watch basketball for the 94 and 95 season. Michael Jordan retired after a three painting in 93 and me, I always came up thinking, well, that Houston Rockets team, I don't know, see, not that great.
Cause they didn't have to go up and get, they didn't have to go through Mike. Well, listen, Mike, that's Mike's fault. Okay. That's Mike's fault.
That's the city of Chicago. I'm going to say to you, like a Rudy Tom tonovitch said, uh, maybe in his coach, yeah, that's a coach of the Houston Rockets at the, at the time he says, never underestimate the heart of a champion. As I look in this camera and that cam, oh yeah, that, that one's yours. That one's mine.
This one is the wide, okay. The two shot. And then it doesn't matter. I'm here with you. Okay.
So listen, so you underestimated the heart of a champion. So you just tuned out where we, Elijah one is a champion. I will say that. Yes. Elijah one. Absolutely. Hands down. Elijah one is a champion champion. You know who else is a champion? Who's that?
Burning, Mad Max, Maxwell. Should've seen it coming.
Okay. Uh, so what, what are, what are some points outside of, outside of, uh, I don't know, statistics. Yeah. What are some, what are some characteristics that he showed that would put him in my hall of fame? Yeah. I, I got it. I did. Like I said, I didn't watch the NBA after those two years when, uh, Mike went on, nobody watched the NBA except everybody. You're right. The numbers did go down. Uh, but, uh, when I was looking this up, when I found out that you wanted to talk about him, I mean, dude is interesting. There's some very good points and some not so great ones, I would say, but, but there's go ahead. You know, no, please. You are excited about it. The one thing that I, that I saw was my hair, uh, mouths of the palace was when Ron Artest, uh, went into the, to the stand and beat up on those fans. You're right.
Uh, that was, I don't know, 2000, 2005, something like that. I had never seen anything like this before. I didn't even know that that was a thing that could happen.
Ron Artest, a fan throws like a cup at him and he lashes out, goes into the, now he's metal world piece now, just the full 180, uh, and the whole, uh, stadium, everything went crazy in Detroit. One of the best things in sports history to happen. Okay. You think it's one of the best things?
Oh my God.
That is, that literally changed the game of like basketball and fans interaction. It did change it. And that's why I thought that was the first time Vernon Maxwell. Vernon Mad Max Maxwell was Ron Artest before Ron Artest. He went into the stands.
What year do I have? I got it. Don't worry about it. Okay. Yeah. I got you right here. Here it is. Uh, here it is.
Nineteen ninety five.
Portland, February six. Look at that. Ten years before black history of mine happens every day.
Yes. So, uh, do you want to do this or shall I do that? Go ahead.
Oh my God. He went into the stands, a heckling fan and punched him in the face. Now, if you see this on the video, he punched him in the face. You know what? There is video. There is video because I also had to look this up because see in Houston, we just knew about Mad Max and the reputation proceeds and stuff, but he could ball, but I had to go back and watch the video and like, I thought he was just going to push him.
No, no, no. Yeah. Yeah. He talked back. Yeah.
He hit him with a haymaker. Oh, but you know why, because he was talking about his sick daughter. Right. The fan was heckling him about his sick, his daughter who was sick at the time. His daughter. He heard it.
I guess when you're out there, you can you can zone in on certain people. Yeah. But but then. But like after a while, you keep hearing somebody keep talking about. Yeah. And as we know, you know, there are there are there are there are lions and there are lionesses. Did I say that? Right. Lionesses. Yeah. So when you talk about somebody's like kid or daughter, come on, man, you talk about my mama. Are we fighting? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Now you talk about his daughter who is sick. Yeah. So I mean, I'm not condoning violence, but after a while, it's like somebody got to look at him and be like, hey, man. And Portland, you know, coming from a white guy, I don't know, could have been some things. You know what I'm saying? This is so this is very interesting to me. Yeah. You we probably are on the same page, it seems like, of look, you can you can heckle. Yeah.
But at some point, they should know that there's consequences like you can't just say anything. You can not say anything.
Yeah. Because after a while, no matter how many times you say something, it's just like everybody is still people just like I'm trying to know the cheek. You know, I'm trying to. We can only take the Martin approach for so long until we like take like the Malcolm approach is like, yo, then it's like, hey, man, I got to go after you. Yeah. It's just like, I'm not trying to hurt you. But now I am like in like a defensive position as what Mad Max played so well on Jordan. You know what I'm saying? He just went back. He was like he couldn't take it out on Clyde Drexler. You know what I'm saying? So then he had to like it was like, yo, man, like stop talking about it.
Because what we don't see is like the whole like the the the buildup to him walking into the stands. Well, yeah, it's probably the whole game. Like the guy was right there behind the court. So had to be because people are saying crazy stuff like this is one thing that just it went too far for him.
Yeah. And and but I mean, he was fine. He was fine. Twenty thousand. Yeah. He was fine. Twenty thousand. And but I don't think he was suspended. I'm looking it up right now. The NBA suspended him. Yep. There we go. He was. So OK. Yeah.
On the flip side. So on the flip side of that, I will say I don't you couldn't really do that today and still and still continue playing. So the the flip side of that is ultimately in the end, maybe it's not so good for you and your future. Yeah. If you can't like keep some type of composure. I still I don't mind.
So you got to send your homeboys. You got to give them that.
And then and then they take them out, which does happen because that in that instance, specifically with Vernon Maxwell, you see Robert Ory jump in the face, jump into the stand. Yeah. To jump into that fight with the malice of the palace. You see a Stephen Jackson, even Jackson. And there's a point in that there's also a video of that where Jermaine O'Neal comes from off camera from the other side of the court and slides in and punches a fan in the face who had come on to the court. You know, it's like it's like at a point like nobody's going to. If somebody came up here to College Humor and started heckling everybody, it's going to be to a point where just like, you know what, you have to have a face like we probably have them removed. Yeah. That's the thing of like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have somebody else do it for you. Have somebody else do it for you.
And then everybody's just like, yo, then just like, yo, did you see that? And then the cameras would be out. And then right.
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, man.
So that's that's one of his things that like, you know, it's a it's a it's not so good for Vernon Mad Max Maxwell. But actually, that's a point. That's a point for that's a point in pro column for me. Oh, really? Yeah, because the guy was heckling him over his daughter.
OK.
So that that person, I think, because that guy, he's probably been talking all kind of shit to other people in his life. And he was and he was a bad person.
And he did. He did have that that beer in his hand. So after stadium beers are the best beers because it takes like three stadium beers and you are out of there. So I know the finals. Yeah.
So that's a point for there's also that that shows courage to me. There's there's also but there's also on the other side of it. There's been instances of cowardice to combat that.
I have here in 1995, he famed a hamstring injury. This is the same year. He feigned a hamstring injury and was he faked like he was injured and later admitted that he was only frustrated that he was not getting enough playing time.
Right. Because of the great Clyde Drexler. Yeah.
Well, obviously, if you if you have like put your heart into the city and when you and when you live in Houston and when you're from Houston and when you play from Houston, I mean, when you play in Houston, just like man, the city when you put your heart in the city, like the city gives it back. And so for Clyde to come back is like Clyde is from Houston. But Clyde left Clyde. Clyde played with Hakeem at Houston and then he left and went to Portland. He got drafted ahead of Jordan.
Yeah, because yeah, it was the same. Because almost a very great draft. Yeah. Jordan could have been in Portland and Clyde could have been in Chicago. Yeah. Whole thing. NBA like that's like the time the time flux capacity. Yeah. All over. So but here's the thing. I'm thinking this is what it is.
He faked the hamstring. So he would not get cut because because because right after that, they cut him. So you did get cut. I mean, he did get cut.
But it's just like if you fake, it's just like, yo, like you can't. So then I can I have more time to prove myself that I can play more minutes. Right. But but Clyde, I think it's I think there's a there's a better way to do that. How? Well, it's quite excellent. I can't punch Clyde Drexler in the face. Then I'm going to go.
You play better. You try to be better. He played better or or figure out, I don't know, a different role for yourself in that or just go to a different team, I think. But you know what?
At that time, I think there was more of a stigma like today, I think you just don't want to be here. I'll just go someplace.
Yeah. But there they would try to like stick it out at that time. Yeah.
At that time, you're like, yo, like this is my team. I'm sticking out like me going to go play for the San Antonio Spurs, which he did, which is like, you know, you don't go to the San Antonio Spurs. Like, no, you're not going over there and go and go and play with them and try and that would be like if I was like, hey, Katie's getting too much attention.
I got to I'm going to fake like I can't I got a sore throat or something. Whatever my version of an injury would be. And I can't talk.
And then two weeks later, I'm over at Funny or Die or something like that. Funny or Die.
That's not cool.
But in today's world, it would be accepted. It would be cool.
Yeah. So it just be like, it'd be like, hmm, I want to go play with them. And then it's just like this motherfucker is over there. You know what I'm saying? OK, now. All right. So then later on, I mean, this guy, he still had some fight in him, even though he feigned an injury because in 2000 in Seattle, he got in a fight with a teammate. Gary Payton, the great Gary Payton, the great Gary Payton bumps heads with the best of them. Well, that that means that that's a testament. It's just like he does not back down from competition. Right. You know what I'm saying? OK, yes, he did. He did fake an injury, a hamstring injury. OK. But as far as like competition, it don't matter whether he goes into the stands to like go after a fan. Yeah. Or he going out after Clyde, Clyde Drexel with his fake hamstring. Right.
Or Gary Payton. Everybody knows that Gary Payton is one of the most like shit talkers in the league.
Yeah. And for him to for him and Gary Payton, obviously is Gary's team. Yeah. You know, and and they bumping heads of just like of probably playing time or probably practice. Well, he he was he was a shooting guard. Bernie Maxwell was a shooting guard. So it's probably bumping his butt. Also, two other players got injured trying to break the fight up. No. Yeah.
Two two other players were trying to. So so, you know, they was throwing like them hands. They were they was like they was throwing fisticuffs.
Do you think do you know if this was like after a game or something? Or was it like because sometimes they call like players only means where it's like, OK, players only if they have like an issue with each other or whatever. And they'll be. Do you think it was a players only thing?
I am. I'm just like a Saturday afternoon. And they all sat in a Saturday afternoon.
Well, I would think that I don't know where it was, but it was in the locker room. Yeah. It was in the locker room. So you're not going to hang out. I'm pretty sure it was after practice because after after a game in the locker room media is in there. Right. So it has to be after practice. And you just not going to like start throwing hands. Like after a game, whether. And then in 2000, the I don't know how the Sonics were coming off that that last run with because they are just not not in 2000, but they had just played the Bulls and that was nine.
No, no, no. Yeah. Or 96, 96. Sorry. Yeah. 96. So never mind. Yeah. So I'm all off right now, man.
That was a Pistons in Detroit. Well, the guy is a fighter Lakers. He could have had a whole nother a whole nother career. Yeah, but he had played hockey either.
I mean, all this would be fine. Well, he it would be fine.
But if he would have played hockey, he probably would have been arrested on the ice because any black man who can fight like that playing hockey, there's no way he's got to be illegal. It got to be illegal. There's no way that brothers would be able to fight like that in hockey. And it would not be some type of like repercussions of it.
Right. Yeah. Uh, OK, now.
He's got that fight in him. He got that dog in him, as they say, as Shannon Sarsa, he got that dog in it. He got that dog.
No way. Skip, skip, skip.
Come on. Oh, Shannon Sharp. Come on. I know.
You know, with football players, you don't know how they talk necessarily. I didn't know that he had that like it's a little bit of a list. It's a little bit of that slander. That's not slander. No, no. It sounds like he has like a little I have a list so I can talk about him.
Right. OK.
So as a person who has a list, I can talk about Shannon Sharp. See, you know, I'm saying you've got to get that cognac. And that's what you got to do.
It makes you a little bit less because he was such like a scary guy on the field. It makes it, I don't know, more like approachable. Yeah. Everybody loves Uncle Shannon. Shout out to Uncle Shannon Sharp, man. All right. So he get I mean, the Vernon Mad Max Maxwell.
I mean, he gets points for the nickname. He gets points for having courage. He gets points for standing up for his daughter. I got some more points. OK, I got some more points.
Your lovely Chicago Bulls. Yeah. He brought it to Jordan. OK. He wasn't afraid of Michael Jordan. Now we're talking about where it was.
It was Jordan and it was Reggie Miller. Do we know any other shooting guards from that era? But in the 90s, besides Jordan and Reggie Miller, who dominated the game?
Go ahead. Oh, no. I mean, you'd have Byron Russell. I mean, not Russell. Who was a coach for the Lakers who played for the Lakers? Luke Walton?
No, no. Oh, no. It doesn't matter. It does not matter. Exactly. You see what I'm saying? It does not matter.
Oh, Byron Scott. Byron Scott.
Who is that guy? Don't even know him. Yeah, no, it's a different thing.
It was like bigger players. Yeah, it was bigger players.
So he maps it. He he brought it to Jordan. He I mean, even though he says on record that like Jordan was obviously the hardest person to like guard, of course, is Michael Jordan. But he wasn't afraid of Jordan. He gave it to Jordan when people would just be looking at Michael Jordan. Even magic was just like, I saw Jordan one time, you know, and he was looking I was like, how did he do it? Now, you know where Vernon was doing was giving him a hand check. He was giving him a handshake. He was not afraid to go at Jordan and Reggie Miller. I do like that because one of my favorite players is Steve Kerr only because he took a punch in the face from Michael Jordan at practice.
Right.
I mean, well, but do we think Steve Kerr deserved that? What? The punch in the face, the punch in the face? No, not at all. But he took it. Are you kidding? No.
Why would anyone ever punch Steve Kerr? Why would I can't imagine him ever deserving anything?
He's the most woke Basque and be coached or anything. But you don't think Steve Kerr was kind of annoying when he was like playing like, come on, like, like Steve, Steve Kerr looks Steve Kerr was probably. Yeah. Steph Curry, but not as much swag. You know, say so or handles. I mean, all he could do is catch a shoot. Yeah, catch a shoot. So it's kind of like he's like a little bit like annoying. So if he like so, you know, Steve Kerr probably would like filling him.
So he's like, yo, I can shoot threes. Jordan, you can't even shoot threes. And Jordan was probably like, what? I learned that from Vernon Mad Max Maxwell.
Wow.
It all comes back to see burning like everything you see burning. Burning was was was was right out the bill and beer. And Rick Mohan, you know, I'm saying from the pisses.
He led the way for your boy. Jacqueline Noah, you know what I'm saying? Scrappy. He can get the physical altercations. Right. He was Lance Stevens. Draymond Green. Oh, yeah. He's all. Yeah. Right.
Like every team needs. I feel like every team got to have that one enforcer. That one enforcer.
Kind of like hockey. This is the most I have ever talked about hockey in my life. I've never talked about fighting. It's fighting. But but also, but like, but it's it's basketball.
And like, and like if I don't know if you've ever got a chance to sit court side of a game. No. OK. When you sit court side of the game. Sorry. I've never been able to sit court. OK. I got I got it for free. OK.
And then I was at the top and somebody was like, you want to come to court side? I said, hell, yeah. Gave court side. I sat down. Me and my lady sat like court side.
And when I tell you those bodies, they are literally pounding bodies. So I see why they have the little like pads underneath and on the knees because they are banging bodies down there.
Like, it ain't easy being I mean, I never played in NBA, but it ain't easy. It ain't. No, no, no. You're doing on the show. You know, I'm I'm only five and eight.
I play football. I play football for the University of Houston. Shout out University of Houston.
OK. Yeah. Now. All right.
So he's a fighter. I would have to assume that he's talk trash because most of them are one of the best trash talkers. But this guy also spoke out against Magic Johnson when Magic Johnson had retired because because he had contracted. He had become HIV positive. Yeah, he did. And he retired. But then a couple of years later, he announced that he was going to come back. He only retired because obviously there was such like a stigma around it at that time still. Yeah. And then he announced, OK, I'm going to come back to the NBA.
And they were a group of players. They're at least a handful who were outspokenly against playing with magic or against Magic Johnson. Yeah. Vernon Maxwell happened to be one of those players. No, baseball player. Bryce Harper, Lee Bryce Harper out of this man.
OK. All right.
See, I feel like that people just didn't know back then. Like they did not know they didn't they they wasn't educated.
It's kind of like with with anything with with like, I don't know, stocks. I'm just comparing it with stocks with stocks. You don't know a lot about stocks. I just learned about stocks until I got an Apple phone.
So I was like, why is this on my phone and why I want to go away? So it's like, I guess you guys want me to learn something. OK, Apple. So it's just kind of like that. We're like HIV is just like we did not know that like and I'm saying we were because I'm part of like Vernon Maxwell and Houston and everything. But but like I feel like as people, you know, black people, you know, like I don't want to go into like a whole like, you know what? Fuck it. Let's go there. All right. So listen, so so just as like black people, we are misinformed with like a lot of information, especially when it comes to like sexually transmitted diseases, especially when it goes back to like, you know, we don't trust we don't trust shit because because, you know, I'm saying the last time that like, you know, just like just like when it comes to like diseases and black people is just like, yo, we are always the first ones to be upon that shit like the Tuskegee experiment. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like things like this is just like, yo, I don't want no part of that. But we're but we were but we are like misinformed and especially and then moving moving away from like just like black people, just like society was misinformed about the whole fucking HIV thing and just talking about like, like it came from mostly like, you know what I'm saying? Like, like gay men, which is fucking false, you know what I'm saying? Which is just like bullshit. That's just like spread. And then it's just like we last ones to get get like the information. So, yeah.
With that being said, the NBA, there are many black players in the NBA and not all. I think I think this group was in the minority of people who spoke out specifically against it. My thing was, uh, you know, I was I was happy with like the way I mean, not to go back to Michael Jordan, but like the would go back to Michael Jordan because Vernon Vernon Mad Max gave him the business on the court. But I mean, concerning like the whole magic thing. Yeah, there were players like Mike who kind of like stuck by him and Michael Jordan, not so not to slander anyone, allegedly purportedly, not like a very not the nicest person, probably not the most understanding anybody that can win like that. And that like cutthroat and punch poor little Steve Kerr in the face.
I don't think but yeah, but but uh, uh, yeah, I don't know. He's he stood by because I do I think that they had he was cleared by the by the doctors by like NBA doctors and stuff like that. He wouldn't have been able to to to to come back if that hadn't been the case. Yeah, I feel like is people are afraid of what they don't understand. Yeah, you know, it's kind of like, I don't know.
I'm trying. I'm trying to bring this in, you know, to bring it all together.
Just like, you know, speaking about like Colin Kaepernick is just like you could you could support Colin Kaepernick and still and still have the love of the love for the game of football. And it's just like it's just like. And then so now that like people aren't understanding what Colin is actually trying to do and the message is getting like, you know, it's going everywhere, which is just like, you know, people did not understand what HIV was at the time. It's just it's just misinformed. Yeah, so true.
So has he come back and apologized for that since then? Or do you think he's still? Has he come back now where we have more information and been like, hey, I was wrong. I'm sorry.
Nothing. Even there was no instance of no, it's it's not out there in the world.
I'm pretty sure he picked up his his his molarola phone.
And this is the 90s. This is the 90s.
And he probably said, hey, magic. I'm sorry. Can I come work for the Lakers now? You know, I don't know. So, yeah, you know what I'm saying?
So I don't I don't know if he has in it. It's not it's not public or a record that he has done it.
So Vernon, listen, I'm out here fighting for your brother. Make my job easier.
That's all.
Look, I'm trying to get you in the Hall of Fame, brother. I'm trying to get you around the Hall of Fame.
You're doing a good job.
I am prepared to make my ruling on this one. OK. I've heard everything. I'm prepared to make a ruling. Oh, man. This is a tough one.
And can I give you his nickname? It was Mr. Clutch. Mr. Clutch because of his three points. Do you steal that from Robert Orry? No, no. Mr. Robert is Big Shot Rob.
Like he's a champion. He got the rings. He got the defense. He is a champion. I mean, the hamstring injury.
That's for a different Hall of Fame.
OK, let's say I'm going to make a ruling on this. OK, this is this is very difficult decision. OK, all right. Let me get everything out of my pockets.
I got an iPod Nano. Oh, no. It's an iPhone. And iPhone.
Just a burning. I guess it saves space on your phone. Don't.
And I thought, OK, OK, OK. Oh, my God. Yeah. So my ruling on this is that are you clicking?
I'm nervous. I am so nervous of this.
My ruling is that Vernon Mad Max. Maxwell is not in my Hall of Fame. Only because only because only because he's had.
What year is it? He's at 30. No, 20 years. He's had 20 years to come out and be like, hey, I was wrong about the magic.
You know, because that would have been great if he was if he came out. And well, I mean, he's not that famous. That's why he's on this show. But but I'm saying allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, but he could have came back for the city of Houston and been like, yo, I'm going to give to this cause or this cause.
And, you know, I was missing for for, you know, for HIV and STI, just like awareness and education because you're right. I'm sure it was just the thing of misinformation. So, you know, to help other people who are also misinformed.
I think that'd be good. Yeah, yeah, I think that. Yeah, I mean, do that.
You're in. Yeah, listen. Burning Mad Max Maxwell. Also, come on. Also, your champion, the man who is championing you is having an iPod nano. Come on, man. I pardon him. It fits in the size of your hand. Just like burning Mad Max Maxwell. He will fit on any team. He needs you. Listen, brother. Dang. Come on, man.
This is dope, man. Do you have anything else you want to plug? No, man, just you guys just follow me and I'll be plugging all the things that I do. And man, I love y'all in abundance and like, let's get it, man. I appreciate you, brother.
Thanks. All right. So this was I guess this is so awkward. I can't I got to move the mic. All right. Thank you so much. I know I did. I was going to go to the camera and then come right back. I was going to move this. OK, thank you so much for watching. That is it. Are we out already? That is all. Thanks a lot. Oh, yeah. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_14_02_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | G'day, my name's Bruce Hitchcock, and you're listening to the Weekly Batuda News Bulletin, coming to you live from the Old City District in downtown Batuda. Joining me in the booth again today is me old mate Wendell Hussey. G'day, and thanks for tuning in as we wrap up all of the biggest stories from the week that was live from Koala Mattress Studios.
Kicking things off with national news, the Greens have called for a shiny new ban this week, Dell. Yeah, that's right, Bruce, they have. Richard Di Natale and his Greens party have gotten out on the front foot this week and called for a total ban on floods. This comes following the estimated deaths of 300,000 cattle in northwest Queensland and sees the Greens, in partnership with PETA, the RSPCA and other animal rights organisations that have been leaking farmers' phone numbers, call for an urgent ban on floods right across the country. With his knees springing sporadically forward during a press conference, Greens leader Di Natale explained that once-in-a-lifetime weather events should be banned in order to ensure that inner-city residents aren't confronted with pictures detailing the harsh reality of life for many people living in rural and regional Australia. While Prime Minister Morrison has not yet commented on Di Natale's calls for a ban, it's believed some constituents of the Melbourne electorate have started collapsing of thirst after the images sparked a grassroots movement to boycott water.
And in other news this week, New South Wales Premier Gladys Berejiklian has defended her decision to force a music festival to close. The New South Wales Premier has made an attempt to combat the fact that she's swayed ever closer to losing the vote of anyone under the age of 45 this week by informing the organisers of the Mountain Sounds Festival that they are more than welcome to relocate to the Star Casino. This comes after the cancellation of yet another music festival in New South Wales. Scheduled for the 15th and 16th of February at the Mount Penang Parklands, Mountain Sounds has been canned due to further conditions and financial obligations being imposed on the festival a week out from the event, which, according to organisers, were impossible to meet. Offering a foolproof Plan B for the festival organisers, who are being crippled by the fact that New South Wales has way more police than crime, Berejiklian says they can just set up shop in Piermont. She explained that they've got a buffet, heaps of pokies, and nothing that ever occurs down there gets reported, so it really would be the perfect place. And we're still waiting to hear back whether the Mountain Sounds Festival will be taking up that generous offer.
Overseas now, and it's been confirmed that actor Liam Neeson probably could have kept that whole thing to himself. Neeson has faced a barrage of criticism this last week over an interview in which he admitted he once fantasised about killing a black person indiscriminately. Neeson's now very publicised senior moment took place during a low-key press junket to promote his new revenge thriller, Cold Pursuit, and has triggered a lot of responses from fans, commentators, and activists around the world. While a couple of people have congratulated him for his honesty, while unnecessarily opening up about his brief fit of rage that probably could have resulted in him going to jail for a very long time for a hate crime, most are angry that he's been so nonchalant about his indiscriminate targeting of black men. Sally Archibald, a local newsagent teller and absolute diehard fan of Love Actually and everything Neeson, confirmed this week that what he was talking about was some dark shit and maybe something you should only really be telling a psychiatrist while you lie down on a leather couch and not some random entertainment reporter that you've never met.
Now back home in Batut Adel and the advocate spoke to a young woman who splurged a bit this week. The young lady named Sally Brent Billings, who received news that she'd been accepted into a commerce degree, decided to treat herself to a new country road duffel bag to celebrate the occasion. Now that she's been accepted, the 19-year-old living down south in the bohemian and vibrant nightlife hotspot that is the city of Sydney, said that she can almost taste the Friday afternoon rose she'll be drinking down in Martin Place one day. Brent Billings said she bought the duffel bag at a fair price because she just got paid by her casual job that her parents told her she had to get to teach her the value of money while she lives in a catered accommodation paid for by her parents. She said that her dad made her get the job after she finished at UTS in search and was waiting to get into uni, and explained it'll be absolutely perfect for carting around all her stuff between uni classes, crossfit, work and internships.
And on the sporting front this week, Rockstar Games have announced the release of the long-awaited next GTA game, NRL Offseason. The proverbial binfire of a 2019 offseason for the greatest game of all appears to have attracted the attention of the prominent New York-based Rockstar Games, with confirmation that they will be producing a video game based around rugby league and not necessarily what happens on the field. GTA NRL Offseason will follow the careers of three separate characters and explore the highs, the lows and the unbridled chaos that comes with professional rugby league football. One such character is a 20-year-old South Brisbane Daliem prospect Lelessio Prince. A promising junior from the Logan brothers who's just returned from his year of Mormon missionary work in Tonga, Lelessio is put between a rock and a hard place after an innocent night out at Sizzler with a group of bikie-affiliated childhood friends results in a shootout in the car park of the Hyperdome. With a man dead, Lelessio must find a way to pay the bikies to protect his identity and help distance himself from the ongoing investigations whilst also providing for his two young daughters and bringing glory back to the Morones jersey. The game is expected to be released around November this year when the NRL Offseason starts back up again and sports journalists are looking for some shit to write about. It'll be interesting to see if they can do the offseason justice.
Anyway, that's it for the News Bulletin this week. Thanks for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next time, I'm Bruce H. Scott. And I'm Lendl Hussey. |
SaturdayNightLive | ozempic_for_ramadan_snl | You're going to be late for school. you know, fasting for Ramadan used to be easy, but the last few years of work and a growing family, it's felt almost impossible, But not anymore. thanks to Osempic for Ramadan. Osempic is a medication prescribed to suppress hunger and slow digestion, and Ramadan is a month where Muslims abstain from food and water, from sunrise to sunset. I used to rush to eat a whole meal before dawn, but now I just grab my prayer beads and my Osempic needle. as long as I shoot up before the sun rises, it's halal. Since my doctor prescribed Osempic for Ramadan, I've never gotten more work done. while my coworkers are at lunch, I'm on google sheets going ham. no haram. running my halal card there in Ramadan is really hard. smelling all my delicious meats in their 48-hour marinades on my butter grill. with Osempic for Ramadan, now I don't even get hangry with white women to ask if I have salmon. side effects include nausea, headaches, and going straight to hell. Osempic for Ramadan even works for converts. I've always loved the sound of cab drivers yelling on their phones in Arabic, and it really made me want to convert to Islam. the only thing holding me back was fasting for Ramadan, and a bunch of the other rules. But now with Osempic for Ramadan, I can walk into the mosque with a full heart and a 27-inch waist. Bam! Osempic for Ramadan has all the miraculous, hunger-crushing ingredients that regular Osempic has, but without any pork. with Osempic for Ramadan, when it's finally time to eat, I'm not even hungry.
I think I'm just going to fast the whole month straight. I'll probably get extra awards from God.
Thanks Osempic for Ramadan. And for those of you thinking this is the exact product rebranded for a new, burgeoning Muslim demographic, that's Islamophobic. Osempic for Ramadan. Yeah, it's just Osempic. |
dropout | Running_Late_In_A_Giant_Robot | All right, Trish, when we're clear, you park the hell out of this thing. There's a Sparos next door that somehow always has parking. I'm not even lying to this baby down flat. Harman, you're on supplies, nachos, sodas, popcorn, anything those big arms can carry. Hope you guys like everything mixed together in one pile. I don't like that. Brody, you're on saving seats.
Use every article of clothing you've got. I only have two articles of clothing, so look for the guy in the thong. All right, team, let's do this. Open the back of the thong, team, go!
Why doesn't this freeway have a carpool lane? Just keep the car in front of you a little bit. I can't control the truck. Why did you take the freeway?
The theater is like right over there. Why don't you just go up on the median? There's no laws there. It's like Vegas.
What? What did you do on your last vacation?
It doesn't matter because there's no laws there. Actually, legally, you can't even ask me that. Yes, I can. Yeah, no, no, the law is what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. That's not a law.
That's a slogan. The car is moving! Here we go! Sarah, could you just honk the horn and make people go... We don't have a horn. We just have a voice. Well, that's even better. Just tell people to get out of the way. Beep, beep, beep, beep, honk, honk, honk, honk. No, you have to say something to get people to move. Okay, um, Michael Buble concert, downtown, free tickets, immediately. Shut the fuck up. Let me try. Attention, citizens. The monster is approaching. Drive for your lives! Oh, my God.
I would just say it, but maybe we should just give up. No, it's too late to give up. That sentence goes against my entire life experience. It's never too late to give up.
This is about opening up, guys. Let's get merging.
Trish, you don't want to eat up a tight end. I don't know. Trish, I don't need help from you. I don't need help from you. This is my one job. I don't want to do it. No, I don't want to do it.
This is the median. You are done.
Why aren't you moving? You have to move.
Well, I did my job. In what way? Whew, that was crazy, huh? Well, if you liked that clip, guess what? There's more.
You can watch the entire episode at Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.
What the hell's going on out there? I'm mighty mighty. 3, 4...
I threw it to your cockpit. We know where to go. Go to your cockpit.
We know. That is one real big fish. No doubt. |
TheOnion | Study_Anxiety_Resolved_By_Thinking_About_It_Real_Hard | According to a groundbreaking study on anxiety disorders published this week in the New England Journal of Medicine, researchers have discovered that feelings of anxiety can be completely resolved as long as people think about them real hard. After studying subjects with mild to chronic anxiety disorders, we found that the best way to overcome mental stress is to isolate the root of the anxiety, analyze it from every possible angle, and then think about it nonstop until it completely disappears. The fact is, whether our subjects were spending sleepless nights panicking or worrying so much they couldn't get anything done, they all overcame their anxiety in just about 100% of the cases. Researchers worked with numerous subjects in the middle of high stress scenarios and said the key to overcoming anxiety is to start by focusing on a minor problem, list everything that can go wrong in the worst case scenario, and then repeat that list in your head 200 times. After anywhere between three to six hours of perpetually torturing yourself over things outside of your control, all feelings of anxiety will completely disappear and you can finally enjoy the remainder of your day. Ideally, you want to get to the point where your fears and anxieties actually define you as a person so that every other part of your identity disappears and you can barely think about anything else at all. Once that happens, anxiety basically disappears. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | 8_local_news_segments_gone_horribly_wrong | First best live from wood TV 8 Susan Shaw, Larry Meenhouse Investigator Christine Roar Good evening Welcome to cracked action news where stories will always involve molesting after the break We'll be discussing which pet shampoos could be molesting your kids But right now we're going to clip Takamura for the latest on that molested beaver clip clip You are a card if you're wondering why our banter seems so warm and natural this episode It's because today's topic is eight local news segments gone horribly wrong Each of these clips has a valuable lesson to teach would-be journalists Lessons like if you don't have the reflexes to avoid objects hurtling towards you at least learn to do a wicked midair front flip When they hit it looks like Ruben is in the lead and here comes out Think that shit just happens two summers at the Cirque du Soleil acrobatics and journalism camp still not impressed check the recovery That was a bad idea At Riverside Park Rob left. Are you seriously trying to pass off the fact that you just flew through the air during a report? I'm not sure those snow pants are roomy enough for your massive balls global news Yes, my prince sleep you earned it Of course, we can't all be masters of recovery Some of us like Isaiah Carey must draw strength from our roots What really happened on that Thursday here at Augusta High School that led to Chris Wood's death? The fuck is that? Shit flying in my mouth The fuck I can't see Polly and just get the fuck out this country mother damn He went black faster than I did in federal prison Carey's range is amazing. He can do stereotypical white guy We attempted to reach the mayor several times, but our calls and our visits to her house stereotypical black guy You know bitch what now he can even do a stereotypical black guy imitating a stereotypical white guy I don't want to talk I'm from New Jersey. I don't want to talk Wow you're like the Chris Rock a local journalist like black reporters be all I ain't got no prompter and white reporters be all I don't have a prompter In the interest of fairness. I will now show a clip of a white reporter suddenly spewing expletives You're complete forecast all videos news straight ahead in the Fox live his new fucking mother for sake I'm no doctor, but I think it's fairly apparent that this man has Tourette syndrome Did that not come up in the interview? So what would you say is your greatest strength as a meteorologist well if I had to pick one quality? I'd shit in a bucket fuck the Well, you know that or my smile Yeah, I was gonna say wow There's a law of nature that states that pointing a camera at a large group of people and broadcasting the footage live attracts douchebags like a yeasty vagina convention and like classic literature such Interferences can be put into four basic categories man versus man Woman versus man The lines are very very short same man from before versus English version of the Hamburglar And of course man versus cell we've taken the 360 we've added a DSP and then we self-baburrito Grumpy old man local news story about housing development go Thank you.
All right, it's back to you. Don't let her go away. This is that she's back if you want her.
Yes Yes, what'd you like to know? I'd like to know a response to what the gentleman said, right? So what do you want now?
Well, if I have to teach you how to be a reporter Ali, I'll do that later Why don't you do that later Jim? This is like watching Henry Kissinger and Sam the Eagle go at it Is there any question you'd like me to ask her and no I I'll give you lessons on how to become a reporter Well, I'll give you some lessons on how to be an editor because I was your boss once Yeah, you were and are no longer.
How did that happen for Wallace victory? I wish news was always this entertaining Breaking news Wayne Largus is a total douche with more on that story. We go live to Wayne Largus in the field Wayne Well, Larry the story we're getting out here is that you can suck my balls back to you cock weasel And for our viewers at home, that's not a satellite delay Wayne's just retarded. This just in It's a sad fact some people just aren't cut out for the high-stakes world of local sports reporting and all those people had a baby And this is him. Hello everyone. Well, the Ball State softball team continued to play this weekend and But the Ball State women's but women's team is shot down and ended up doing poorly. Oh No, he's mastered every possible way to fail at reading the news stuttering. It seems less We player on it seems every weekday you have a player ten second silences tomorrow's game will be the meeting between the two beating both first Even sets up his own bits. Let's check out the highlights. Oh, yes, let's do that Later he gets the rebound passes it to the man shoots it and boom goes a dynamite. Okay.
Well you tried For an afternoon news team, it's important to make gestures that reach out to the community However, you should be aware that as an afternoon news team your audience is primarily unemployed stoners Happy 28th birthday to you. I need a lay happy birthday to my sweet little girl Anita Mike hunt Lina Jensen. Oh Wow Is being high contagious Donna and Harry Mo Lester? Astor and Emma Royds Amy and Willie be hard again and then a Martha are huge and mark the new and more That's it for this episode any updates on that beaver clip So bring stuff remember if you'd like to help me pick next week's topic Just look into a mirror and say my name five times then email me. I've been your host droid Michael Swain.
Allow me to play you out The break we're gonna interview Eric why his mayor who climbed the highest mountain in the world Mount Everest But he's gay. I mean he's gay. Excuse me. He's blind |
cracked | elvis_presley_was_a_giant_creep | Elvis Presley was the king of rock and roll, but he was also the king of being a giant creep. Excuse me, what? Elvis Presley started dating his future wife Priscilla when she was just 14 years old, but this was not an isolated incident. In fact, Elvis had a massive track record of scoping out teenage girls.
Okay, gorgeous chicks form a line on that side, beautiful chicks form a line on this side.
At one point after his divorce, he tried to convince a nightclub owner to move the family to Graceland so he could raise and then marry his 14-year-old daughter. Somehow the club owner declined this kind of offer. Teenage girls would often gather outside the home of Elvis and scream through the fence, and instead of sending them back to JB volleyball practice, he would invite them in to have pillow fights, tickle parties, and mud wrestling sessions like a 2000s Van Wilder movie. When he was with Priscilla, he would invite her friends over to have parties in their underwear and take Polaroid photos to keep for his own nefarious purposes, versus close to him say he spent hundreds on Polaroid film just for this freaky hobby. |
SaturdayNightLive | michele_bachmann_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | This is Cnn Tonight, A Cnn Special Event. Congresswoman Michelle Bachman's response to the President's State of the Union address. The second Attempt. Good Evening. I'm Congresswoman Michelle Bachman from Minnesota's 6th District four nights ago on behalf of the Republican Party and the Tea Party. I delivered a response to President Obama's State of the Union address. Unfortunately, that response was marred by some technical difficulties and it seems that its core message was not properly conveyed accordingly, I have asked for this time tonight in order to try again because you see the issues are simply too important and the stakes for our nation too high to do otherwise. So here goes.
Two years ago, when Barack Obama became President, our nation's unemployment rate was already 7.8% and our national debt an astonishing 10.6 trillion dollars. the economy was headed for disaster. As you can see from this chart, it's not a pretty picture. is it? Yet, instead of addressing our economic problems, this President's policies have made them worse as this next chart clearly shows that's right under our current President. We've gone from this to this, but it doesn't have to be this way by simply reducing spending and returning to the core governing principles of our founding fathers. we can have an economy that looks like this, but let's be honest, before any of this can happen, we must first address the massive growth in entitlements, especially Social Security.
I'm going to show you another chart of the projected growth of revenues into the Social Security trust Fund. It's a little hard to see because I drew the line in white. Now here is the same graph adding projected Social Security expenditures also in white. Sorry, that's it's not very clear. should we show that last graph in black?
Okay, it's a little better. I think maybe not.
The point is, the current situation is unsustainable. Consider this chart which shows the amount of Federal spending devoted just to interest on the National Debt.
This is the one I dropped in the snow.
That's a shame that was important. But the point is, the American people don't need graphs or charts to tell us what. We already know. Our country is headed in the wrong direction. and we all remember what this President promised us just one year ago at his first state of the Union. All right, obviously that's that's not President Obama. No, I know what's on this tape, I just don't know where I don't have time to find it now. So, let me just conclude by saying I realize how much the American people are sacrificing during these troubled economic times. We Republicans get it, and we want you to know we're doing some belt tightening of our own.
For example, this presentation you just saw was done on a reduced budget. I'm not kidding. we didn't even hire a professional director. Seriously. Or a trained graphic designer.
And here's something else. believe it or not. my makeup was done by a child as God is my witness, she's five years old. So thank you for your attention. May God bless America! |
SaturdayNightLive | grossed_out_cruise_ship_singer_snl | Thank you. Hello, everyone. I hope you're enjoying your cruise aboard the Ss Canada Star. my name is Ginger Rangers, and there's no place I'd rather be performing than for all of you, except for maybe on Broadway, or as a recording artist. But this is where I am, and I'm loving it. let's see who's in the audience. look at your jeweled sweatshirt. I jeweled it myself. show us what it says. Well, it says cat Parking 24-7, because I like to have a cat parked right here, right below my bra bottom. Amazing.
You people are gross to me, So very, very gross to me. when I look out, what do I see? a whole bunch of girls eat me grossies. gross! hey, you two. little lovebirds. you guys an item? yeah, kind of. we met on Eat Harmony after three years of being in their database. we love each other, and he loves my one son. she has two boys. that's so sweet. You people are gross to me, so very, very gross to me. How could I possibly be singing for people so gross? gross! hey! hey, you're almost handsome. hey! hey, back. halfway handsome. Are you singing about us, Because I feel like you are. What if I was singing about everyone but you? What if that's what I was doing? wouldn't that be neat? could've been singing on Broadway, I had several chances or two. now I'm singing for the grossest people on earth. all of their fingers smell like shrimp. all of your fingers smell like shrimp. gross! hey, can you stop saying that we're gross? we're on vacation.
I'm sorry. are there any requests? You, do you have any requests? I love my heart Will go on by Titanic. Charles, what do you think? I'm not taking any requests from these animals.
Why is everyone so gross to me? Barb and Pat and the cat lady, plus the couple from me, Harmony. Why is everyone so gross?
Come on. come on. come on. try it. you're on vacation. you're on a cruise. come on. come on. come on. say it. So gross. come on. try it. I'm not singing. I'm gross. Just say it. say it. I'm gross. I'm gross. give yourself a hand. Well, that's my time. I hope I didn't offend anybody. you've been a great audience. |
ClickHole | watch_burrito_unboxing | Hey guys, I'm back with another video and this time I'm going to be checking out what comes inside this chicken burrito, 1200 calorie model. Right off the bat you can see they've wrapped it in this nice minimalist aluminum foil which I think looks very sleek. Let's just go ahead and open it up and see what they've put in here for us. This is the chicken, but you're going to find the same things inside here that you'll see in the steak or the carnitas model if you ordered those. Now we've got the outer covering off, but there's still a little more work to do. There's some extra packaging material here, just get rid of that. First impression, this thing is hot. You can see they've got cubes of chicken in here which is awesome, I actually like that a lot more than the shredded chicken. A little chintzy with this cheese, not wild about that. But here we go, big burrito fans are definitely going to recognize these guys of course.
I'm not really sure what this stuff is. Okay well I thought there would be some guacamole in here, but it doesn't look like it, so I guess all that's left is some of these onions, the earbuds, and a little pico de gallo here and there. All right, let me just see if they've maybe put anything else in here. Okay no, looks like that's it. Well thank you guys so much for watching, that's the video, let me know in the comments if you are getting a burrito, and in the meantime I guess right now it's time for me to enjoy mine. |
dropout | Experimenting_Literally_in_College | Oh my god, this picture of me from college just popped up in my feed. You're a wittle baby. Oh, I wish I could go back to college. It was a crazy time for me. College is perfect for experimenting and trying new things. New sex stuff. For me, it was drugs and alcohol.
Yeah. How about you, Klaus? I conducted many experiments which defied the laws of God and men. Oh wow, cool. Cool, yeah. I mean, hey, that's what college is for, right? Totally.
College is when I realized I liked both men and women. Me too.
Man, woman, it matters not. We are all sacks of flesh. Interchangeable, my children's plastic building blocks. Exactly.
Oh my god, I mean the stories that I could tell. Oh, I have so many stories. The tones of madness I have writ could fill a hundred lives in it.
Totally. Now, for me, college was the first time I had an orgy. Just young people exploring each other's bodies. It was beautiful. Aww.
One time I was at a party with my bros and we were going crazy on this formaldehyde drink. Oh, formaldehyde, yeah, that's vodka and absinthe, right? It's a substance used to embalm bodies. I haven't had that. One of my classmates passed out at a party and I did a prank on him by removing his brain and hiding it in the dean's office.
Dude. What? Is he okay? Yeah, he's fine.
He made an app that tells you all the places you can find avocado toast. Toaster? I use that all the time.
Still, would be nice to have the money from that app, right? Yeah. Do you guys ever wish you did college differently? Sometimes. I've been good enough. But mistakes are such a part of the learning process, you know? That's how you grow. Yeah, that's true. I mean, I cheated on my first boyfriend in college. Jess. I know, but I have never cheated on anyone again. Oh yeah.
I pulled the head of a Great Dane to the body of a man, and now the dog man terrorizes villagers in the Swiss Alps?
You didn't. Do I regret it? No. Did I learn from it?
After four to five more tries, yeah, now I have a loyal beast man to do my bidding. You better do your bidding soon, because we're not getting any younger.
Tell me about it. Oh my god, I know. If I partied down like I did in college, I'd feel it for days. To desecrate a cemetery like I did in my twenties. Well, you know what? At least we still have the memories, right? College. What a time to be alive. Hey, you said it. And, it's almost happy hour.
You guys coming? Why don't we get to start now?
Klaus! Klaus, you little sneak.
A couple of beers in the backpack. That's a total college move.
I love it. Oh, what is it? It's my own personal concoction of powerful elixirs that will put you in a catadonic state so I may harvest your organs and body parts to create a creature most foul. Jeez, talk about a hangover. You had me at catatonic. That was a typo.
I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that.
Thailand, I guess. God. |
SaturdayNightLive | white_like_me_snl | You know, a lot of people talk about racial prejudice, and some people have gone so far as to say that there are actually two Americas, one black and one white. But talk is cheap, So I decided to look into the problem myself, firsthand, to go underground and actually experience America as a white man. I hired the best makeup people in the business. if I was going to pass as a white man, everything had to be perfect.
Mmm, I think that's another light. Okay, let's try this. this, uh, another kind of Harry Reams-ish. Mmm, I like it.
I study for my role very carefully. I watch lots of Dynasty. See that? see how they walk? their butts are real tight when they walk. they keep their butts tight. I got to remember to keep my butt real tight when they walk. And I read a whole bunch of Hallmark Cards. my only wife! You always mean lots more to me than you could ever guess, for you have done so much to fill my life with happiness.
Finally, I was ready. What are you doing? I'm buying this newspaper. that's all right. there's nobody around. go ahead, take it. take it. go ahead, take it. Yeah, take it. take it. Slowly I began to realize that when white people are alone, they give things to each other for free. there was only one other black man on the bus. he got off on 45th Street. The problem was much more serious than I'd ever imagined. Now, let me get this straight, Mr. Mr. White. you have to borrow $50,000 from our bank. but you have no collateral. you have no credit. you don't even have any Id.
Is that correct? That's right.
Mr. White, I'm sorry. this is not a charity. this is a business. Harry, why don't you take your break now? I'll take care of, uh, Mr. White. Oh. okay. thanks, Bob. that was a close one. it certainly was. we don't have to bother with these formalities. do we, Mr. White? what a silly negro. just take what you want, Mr. White. pay us back any time, or don't. we don't care.
Tell me, do you know of any other banks like this in this area? So what did I learn from all of this? Well, I learned that we still have a very long way to go in this country before. All men are truly equal. But I'll tell you something. I got a lot of friends, and we've got a lot of makeup. So the next time you're hugging up with some really super groovy white guy, or you've had a really great super keen white chick, don't be too sure. they might be black. |
dropout | what_is_the_worst_tattoo_to_get | Welcome, today I'm joined by Jaboukie Young-Wyke. Happy to be here.
Allie Beardsley. Also. And Josh Rubin. I feel okay.
Josh, would you like to begin? I absolutely would, it would be a pleasure Katie, thank you so much.
So the worst tattoo I can imagine getting, and I think America getting, is a Tiki torch. Because, you know, hashtag take a knee. It just wouldn't be great. There's no amount of googly eyes or funny, you know, Elvis hair. You could put on a Tiki torch to make it friendly, or not symbolize hatred, racism, or haircuts like mine. You know, I am now afraid of something that used to line my parents' pool. Is there a part of your body where it'd be worse to have a Tiki torch? I can tell you the best part, never down the length of my spine, because it's a straight line and it makes sense. And I'd shave the back of my head just to be the Tiki top, and then the stick would be my spine.
That sounds really scary. It is really scary.
Oh, I thought it was. That's like one white supremacist I'm getting in because I'm not. Oh, what? Oh my god. Is it really, though? No. Oh, but probably.
Imagine you're at Disneyland.
But I would be terrified of that. Yeah, I would be afraid of that.
Say goodbye to the swastika, because the Tiki torch really... Or a Tiki torch out of swastika's would be pretty easy. Absolutely. And you know what? The interwoven intricacy of the craftsmanship of the Tiki torch, you can easily hide a swastika in that, much like a rug or something. And those terrible people getting these tattoos would, they would be the ones that would have a swastika.
You know, our president, one of the things he does really well, oh no, it's just my sleeve is kind of uncomfortable. Sorry, we're all very uncomfortable.
No problem at all, I totally get it. But anyway, not good. Don't get it. Imagine if you were in line at a convenience store behind someone, and just sticking out of the back of their t-shirt, you know it's a Tiki top.
But all you see is the little flame. All you see, and you're like, ew, it's just asking. It's just asking.
Absolutely. Like, I can imagine logging onto a hate-forward website and just saying, like, you know, the bad, like, what do you call it, like, not Jif, but like, the flame animation, you know, it's like they can't really afford a really good website. It's like Tiki torches would, you know. Excellent. Well done, Josh. Allie, would you like to go? Yes, absolutely.
My first idea is any tattoo that has dated slang, we're talking are-yolos. That's really yin-yang, isn't it? Anything AF. Any sort of tattoo like that, because it's going to be old tomorrow.
Like the same. Right, as you're getting it, yeah. By the time it hits your skin, it's old. Yeah. Exactly. Even though we'll always feel that. You'll feel it. You don't want that on your shoulder. No. Yeah, totally. Yeah.
Girls rock. I think that's a timeless one. I think that's timeless. Here's the thing. I used to wear t-shirts all the time as a child, and they'd all say girls rule or girls rock. I believe this. In my head, those are like, that's an elementary school thing.
Oh, it's making a comeback. Is it really making a comeback?
If it's glittery, it's in. Okay, yeah. They were always glittery. Even better. Ooh. Okay, good. A glittery shirt that says Girls Rock is something I would buy. Yeah.
What are we doing in this suit? I have no idea.
We need to be rocking those Girls Rock t-shirts. We should. Yeah. I'd love to go.
Mine is anything with birds. Anything turning into birds. Oh my god. That means like feathers turning into birds.
It's always a flock too. It's never like one beautiful like Phoenix kind of situation. It's always just like a quote turning into birds or like my dead mom's face turning into birds. And it's always a flock of crows too. It's never like fun, colorful like hummingbirds. It's always on the shoulder and it's always in that tinder picture at the very end when you were like, hell yeah.
Oh. Yeah. Bird boy.
I got some dice to roll. I have a question. Does anyone have a tattoo?
I do. I don't. I don't either.
What do you have? I have my family's house.
That's cute. That's very cute. It's really.
Is there a t-shirt? Is there a tiki tard in it?
Yes. It's twin to birds. And underneath is woke as well.
The plan is that when my mom dies, I'm going to put her out on the front lawn smoking. And then have her cigarette smoke go into the cloud because she smokes a lot.
No way. No, I just think that that's my bit. And then I have hair growing like under it. So I say the lawn's coming in. You know what I mean? Oh my god.
That's my dad joke.
I'm so glad I asked that. I like the idea of using the space with a tattoo. Absolutely. Like putting it somewhere that moves. Yeah. You know, like someone puts a lawnmower above their pubes.
See, I don't like this. No, I would not like it.
Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah. But if it's on my significant other, I hate it. Yeah, true. That makes a lot of sense. Have you guys been with people with tattoos? Yeah.
Wow. What about you? Guys, I don't have a lot of experience with tattoos.
I'm sorry.
We're really speaking from a place of tattoo privilege. Yeah, you guys. Yeah. Try to remember that. Okay. Excellent. I will go next.
My idea for the worst tattoo would be a titanic memorial in which you have the 1,500 names of the dead titanic passengers on your body. No. I have so many names of people you've never known, people you'll never know, people who are in no way connected to you all over your body. Okay, see, my thing with this is you took the question and then you came up with this idea and then decided it was the worst tattoo ever.
What? That's such an intricate answer. I took the question and I thought what would be very random and very stupid, but also like a lot of it. And I was like, oh. This is your show. There's a question and you said I'm going to use my platform as an opportunity to talk about 1,500 old white people names.
The Irish dead people then put all over my back in the 9-11 memorial. I was totally on board with the titanic memorial.
It sounds like, okay. No, that doesn't, that wouldn't be bad.
So a titanic memorial, maybe you just really like history, but how this is so bad is that it's truly meaningless names because it's so far back in history. And then also you're head to toe covered in them. Yeah, no. And you can't get it all in one fell swoop either.
No. No, that's like sessions. Like today's mural. Yes. Yeah.
And people would ask you like, hey, well, what is that? What is, what do, what do, what, how are these all significant to you? And you'd be like, they're not, they're names of people who died. They would become significant to you, I think if you had a mural there.
Not if you. If you're looking at it every morning like, oh, there's Jack. Here's the thing. I feel like you'd instantly regret it. Oh yeah. Maybe.
Weren't they all really rich too? No. There was third class. All the lower class people died, right?
A lot of them. I'm just going off the move. A lot. And musicians and the captain.
Okay. Yes. But the question, like the worst tattoo is hard because it's such a personal thing. So I can think of something lame and then be like, well, for you, sure. Get it. But what's America's worst tattoo? Exactly. I honestly, I don't think that's up there. It's a lot of work. I just. I mean, this is like racism. Right. This is like youth that thinks it won't get old. Yeah. That's, I mean, that's really. Straight up. Just the worst tattoo. I like it. This is too much. You know, like you wouldn't want to. Okay.
Well, guys, we're not eliminating and we're not ranking yet, so let's move on. That's it for this preview of The Rank Room. To see the second round of gameplay and to get the official rankings, go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
If you don't, I am going to freak out. I'm already on the edge here, okay? And that's going to push me so much over.
Okay. Do you want a taste of this? Hey! I know. Someone asking you, like, what do your tattoos mean?
Oh, free and slave. Free and slave.
That's like the most emo thing. I'm like, you're alive. I know. |
TheOnion | Brad_Pitt_Decides_To_Grow_Out_Forehead_Hair | Kim Jong-un wonders if his continued nuclear threats are distracting him from starving North Korean citizens. A freezing, coatless woman has decided it's spring, and Brad Pitt decides to grow out his forehead hair. It's time for the weekly news recap. Thousands voted as the cruelest and most demeaning experience of their lives. This is the Onion Week in Review. After a proposed bill expanding background checks on firearm purchases won bipartisan support in the Senate this week, gun stores across the nation sponsored a blowout all-you-can-buy sale for the mentally unstable. Pre-empting the passage of any future background check legislation, store owners offered once-in-a-lifetime deals on assault weapons, shotguns, and pistols for all customers able to provide certification proving they are suffering from severe psychological and neurological disorders. I went in earlier this morning for the 5 AR-15s for $2,000 special, and I'm definitely going back later tonight to grab some hunting rifles and get in on the unlimited bullet package too.
Locals waiting for the northbound 66 bus in Chicago were stunned Wednesday after seeing a young couple kissing in the passenger shelter like it was fucking Paris or something. Onlookers said the makeout session, which took place in downtown Chicago and not a goddamn candlelit bistro tucked away in Montmartre, featured intense gazing, deep tongue kissing, and other gestures of affection typically reserved for a couple strolling down the banks of the Seine River. It's been almost a half an hour and they're still going at it. It's like they think they're sitting on a sun-dappled picnic blanket in the Tuileries gardens. You know, for a second there I honestly thought we'd all been transported to Parc Monceau, you know, drinking flutes of champagne on a wonderful summer afternoon while being serenaded by a Parisian accordion player. But no, we're at a bus stop in fucking Chicago.
After years of weekly meetings with his psychologist, local man Chris Vaughn told reporters today he was excited to have only two sessions left before completely resolving all of his problems. The 35-year-old told reporters he is looking forward to completing his scheduled therapy sessions and finally emerging a fully secure, emotionally balanced individual devoid of any feelings of guilt, anxiety, or depression. When I told my therapist my dad left our family when I was 15, she said I'd need 65 sessions to get over that. And this was before I told her I felt like it was all my fault, which added another 25 sessions. By the time she tallied everything up, she said I'd need 120 sessions before I could ever feel like I deserved to be loved again. Next week we're covering my parents, the week after that we're wrapping up my trust issues and then I should be good to go.
And in sports news, WrestleMania 29 is marred by inconsistent officiating. In other news, the JCPenney CEO's severance package includes 34,000 pea coats, experts value leading social media site Harvard Connection at $400 billion, and the most depressing job interview you'll ever see is currently occurring at a Starbucks table. The Onion would like to take this opportunity to remind all viewers of this video to file their taxes by the April 22nd deadline. It's very important you all get that done. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | jake_and_amir_spanish_teacher_prank | Hey, I'm Jake, and I'm Amir, and just like Schmitt and Janko in 22 Jump Street, we are going undercover. And that's where you come in. That's right, we're asking our fans to come up with occupations for us.
Hmm, still no professor. Looks like class is starting late.
Yeah. Not that I care, as I don't like learning. Thoughts? Just trying to get through class, man. Hahaha, tell me about it, brother. The teacher's probably a dillweed. Thoughts? I don't know. Looks like someone's going to the dean's office. Hola, class!
Miama, you're a Spanish teacher, and sorry to disappoint this gentleman here, but I'm actually not a dillweed. You are. You are muy one. And he called you a dillweed.
Didn't have to. Get out of my class. I paid $2,000 for this credit. I'll pay you $4,000 to go to the dean's office.
What? Um, name?
Golden. Cheese. Arepa D'er cheese!
Are you really a college Spanish professor? Are you really asking me that in English after- It just sounds like you don't know any Spanish. Are you really talking back to a respected authority figure?
You're gonna blow my cover, dude. What cover?
I'm going undercover as a Spanish teacher trying to hook up with college chicks. Keep it on the DL, okay? Otherwise, they'll pan me on RateMyProfessor.com. Jesus, you have no respect for higher education. What are you doing here? I'm auditing a Spanish class. I've always been interested in the language, and I'm going to Madrid. And I'm trying to get with college chicks, right? I really need this credit.
Can you please teach us something? I could teach you a few things, actually.
I just... Not in the classroom. Whoa, relax. What? That's... He doesn't use... Excuse me. Hi, I got a report of non-students in this classroom. Yes, Mr. Dean, that is correct. Yes. Jake over here is a 28-year-old pretending to be a student. You're arrested. What are you talking about?
He's not really a professor. Yes, he is. He bought those glasses and became a professor.
What? That's not how it works. Yeah, it is. I don't know if that's how it works, but I do know.
I'm going to have to get with college chicks. We should go. Yeah. Good evening. Ladies and gentlemen, we're gathered here on a day. Do you remember Jamaica? Is this the right class? |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_hans_gruber | So, Kareem Rebound heads down the court, feeds Worthy to Magic, back to Worthy, and two points. Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm for the interruption.
Which one of you is Jeff Rubin? Jeffrey Robert Rubin, born in Cranford, New Jersey to Michael and Elizabeth Rubin.
Enrolled Cranford High in 1996, did not attend prom. Threw up during oral presentations on two separate occasions. Had his ear pierced at Claire's in 1998, but had removed shortly thereafter after his mother yelled at him. Okay, I think we've covered Jeff's high school years, maybe we could move on. Nonsense, I haven't even finished freshman year. 1997, farted during sit-ups during the Presidential Fitness Test, then furrowed.
I'll kill you. I'm afraid of. You're so brave. It's all I meant. I will kill one hostage every hour until Jeff Rubin is handed over.
Where is he? Where is the one who wore the tuxedo shirt? To a dance?
No, just to school. Every day for two months, same shirt. The school nurse finally had to give him a lecture on hygiene.
Oh man, these are priceless.
Where is he? I have a picture of him when he was 14 years old. That's enough, I'm Jeff, just please stop talking about me. How do I know it's really you? Make him do a sit-up.
You have the password to the building's vault. I win it. Aye, I don't know what you're talking about. Tell me the password, or your only female friend dies. Okay, okay, I'll give it to you. Excellent.
Password acquired, weird owl rules. I repeat, weird owl rules.
And also the E's are threes.
And also it's a Z in rules, instead of an S. I honestly can't believe that you spilled it. Much obliged, Jeff. You've been afraid of no use to me anymore. Drop it, Hans. If it isn't the cowboy, turn yourself in or things are going to get quite unpleasant for Mr. Reuben here. All right, you're reaching for a gun taped to your back, like the movie, right? No, I remember you from high school. You're that kid who drank too much more soda than had to be taken to the hospital. He was like, tricking all this stuff. It's not that funny! |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_mario_kart_trailer_snl | Let's-a Go. I am a massive fan of Last of Us. obviously, I love Mario Kart, and this is sort of a spiritual sequel to a sketch Streeter, Cy, Del, and I did called Grouch, which was marrying Oscar the Grouch with Joker. So this is the last of us meets Mario Kart. you have Mario and Luigi, Pedro Pascal as Mario. you have Princess Peach, the equivalent of Ellie in this. I think this is gonna be a show. put her on Peacock. And then you have Keenan as Bowser.
I'm an actor. I'm a professional. I mean, there you go. you could just put a camera on Keenan. Action.
We're on the set of our post-apocalyptic Mario Kart trailer thing. every time I show up on set and see what everyone put together, it's always mind blowing. we're starting with our biggest set. we're calling it the Mario Track. we definitely need some patches of grass and asphalt. there's a refugee camp where they all live. when they meet Luigi, it's this crazy haunted mansion. We don't outright say it's Luigi's Mansion, but I think folks familiar with Mario lore will put it together. there's a lot of little easter eggs. this has gotta be one of the most ambitious pre-tapes, I would say. me and the Dp Lance shot the entire car chase with toy cars and a go-kart just to kind of wrap our heads around how it's gonna play out and also give to the post team, so we're all on the same page. We have an incredible post team at 30 Rock who collaborated with crazy, talented Vfx artists from all over the country who are working non-stop from Wednesday right up to air Saturday. we used 3d scans of the cast and the cars, a lot of digital set extensions, and some scenes were just full Cg. we're excited.
I mean, you get to be a kid again. Woo hoo hoo hoo! If you're watching this, I guess we pulled it off? that's a wrap on Pedro! Oh, great. |
cracked | the_worst_interview_ever_feat_michael_ian_black | Cracked asked two of its employees and Abe and Michael Ian Black to write film and edit a sketch on their lunch break This is that oh Michael just a quick small thing just reminder. I got my phone interview with Michael Ian Black today So just feel a bit quieter than usual She's a little quieter is all I'm saying. Yeah, got the interview. It was my interview. I set that interview up Okay, so it's funny that you think you'd have to tell me when it is. It's on my calendar Okay, well, that's my interview now, and we could talk about this later if you want to No, yeah, I'm just saying we can't talk about it now The interview yeah Oh Michael Michael Hello yes, hi, yes, this is this is Dan O'Brien from from crack calm We're joined today by Michael Ian black again, mr. Black as I understand it You've done just a a marathon set of interviews today So I want you to know that I I truly appreciate the time you've given me There's been a lot of interviews, but this is the one I've been most looking forward to Great on to the interview then now mr. Black you've got an impressive Film and TV career under your belt and we will talk about that I just briefly wanted to touch on your your web presence.
It's very impressive your blog your Michael Michael have issues blog the Klondike landscape, but I just wanted to know how important you thought the internet was established you make it and and they're Interacting with your your fans and how important you thought that was as an artist I would I can't overestimate how important the internet is in My career and I suspect a lot of performance career in particular comedians the ability to connect directly to fans in whatever medium you want be it just pros or video or Twittering or anything that you want to do is It's really fantastic and allows you to have really direct access to people who want to see your material. Okay, great Moving on recently. I see you've also gotten into directing you directed wedding days the hilarious movie with Jason Biggs and Isla Fisher And I just wanted to know do you have any future plans of directing? I do have sort of vague plans for directing in the future. I say vague because Okay, this is we're fine you've got a new show I can see for a Television you TV comedy channel television you've got a show and it's called Hey, why don't you tell me about that show that you've got you've got coming up sure This is a show with my longtime friend and collaborator Michael showalter. I'm Hosting a comedy show and hating No, we're hating each other Primarily hating each other. Okay, that sounds just the best moving on.
How how are you? Thank you, how are you?
Oh, you know me, you know, um, oh, okay. Oh, here's something Obviously, so, um, how about you can tell me about what that was like for you Well, I've always wanted to Write a book The intellect or capability to do that and so instead I Started writing a series of essays because if I just broke it down into little small things that I could Bind and put in stores that look like a say goodbye to Michael Ian black So that's what I did with that and then with the children because I have two kids myself I was just sort of inspired to write something that they would enjoy And it's about animal butts and kids like animal Hey, hey Hello, can you hear me? I can hear you. I don't know what you were doing over there. Oh, it's not just throwing things No, it sounds like there's a problem with How do you feel about America America I Consider myself a patriot Well, that is just great to hear what is your favorite food lately Whatever Tacos terrific. I'll tell you what I like for dessert though, please Klondike bars. Oh Alright, it's not even the Klondike people aren't even here. This is me in my downtime It's true I Had one I have one now in my pants. Oh, isn't that always the way? Hey, do you next question?
Do you know how to get blood stains out of clothes? Yeah, I do Really use anti-blood.
It just Wipes it right away. It doesn't even sound like a thing.
But okay. Thank you. I will try that Why don't you give one last plug for that Michael and Michael have showalter thing why Straighten something out Michael and Michael have issues Wednesday nights 1030 Eastern Standard Time and then you can also see my very funny Webisodes for Klondike on Klondike man cave calm and that's available to you 24 hours a day seven days a week So you don't have to wait for Wednesday nights to see me. You go to Klondike man cave calm. Okay, I Think we can have one more quick. Oh, no, actually that is all the time we have for today Awesome Thanks again for joining us. Mr. Black. Thanks, Dan. I think this went really well |
cracked | josie_and_the_pussycats_review_ft_samantha_ruddy_aka_du_jour_means_podcast | All right, we've had a lot of issues this morning, but we're going to make it work. It's not even morning. It's four o'clock. What time do you think it is, bud? It's morning if it's morning. I'm on the middle of the Pacific Ocean time.
Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies, which are like books, but better. I am your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-hosts, Jesse and Ally.
Say hello. Hi. What's up? And today we have a special guest, writer and comedian, and you didn't actually say, I won't say what show you were on, but if you want to reveal that at some point. Mystery. Yeah, ooh, I'm going to JJ Abrams mystery box this. It's Samantha. Hello. Hi. Great to be here. Hi. And what are we watching today? Thank you for being here, by the way.
Josie and the Pussycats, the greatest film.
Honestly, yeah. Yeah. I'm on board, man. Wait, I have a question before we like jump in, in earnest. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Jesse, your first time watching it? Yes. Gordon, your first time watching it? Yes.
Wild. Samantha, not your first time watching it. Yeah, me neither.
I watched this a lot as like a teenager. Me too. A lot. It was like a childhood favorite. And then a few years ago, I was like, oh yeah, I love that movie. And I started watching it like every year on my birthday. 100%. This was definitely like, shout out to Rebecca, my cool older cousin, but a lot of girls with cool older cousins, this was like a movie that your cool older cousin introduced you to. And that was like definitely a thing for me where I was like, I don't know, 11, 12. And she was just a little bit older and was like, this movie is so fun. The music's great. And it's like kind of subversive. And like as a kid, I really liked it, but I was rewatching it now. And I was like, oh, this movie fully rocks like hard. Like this is like just a fantastically written and made movie. It was so ahead of its time. 100%. Yeah.
And it really is, I mean, it really is subversive. It really is cool, like the cool older cousin thing. Sometimes they'll show you like, I don't know, like Fight Club or something. But this is like, this is like very important. It's very like fun and it was like written, it was written like for girls, like it was directed to girls from what I've read, but not at all in a cynical way, but more in a powering way. So it's, I don't know. Yeah, it must've been very cool to be a teenage girl and watch this film. I mean, the music really does slap. Like I think that's just like a big part of it.
We got, somebody gave us five of some. Oh, thank you. Are these Bitcoins? I believe it's Euros? Yeah, yeah. Oh, Euro, the most famous of all the Bitcoins. Euro coins. You got to buy the dip. Also, yes, fine. We'll do Demolition Man at some point.
I've never seen it. Never even heard of it.
You're giving us money. So we'll just do it next week. You guys want to do that? Do you care? Do we have another movie? Do I care? I might even be alive next week. Whatever, let's do it. All right, we're doing it. We're doing Demolition Man next week. I just, you know.
I'm not involved in this at all. Yeah, we're not even monetized. So that was, this is the only money the video is going to make is that five Euros.
So hooray, we did it. Sorry, what were you all saying?
It's a girls' movie. It's empowering. Your cousin's like it. That it rocks. That it slaps rocks. Yeah, it's girl power without being girl balls. A hundred percent.
And also like something that I probably was not quite smart enough to put my finger on when I was younger, but was now watching it this week was like, I like that it has a lot to say about consumerism and the music industry, but at no point does it say anything about pop music. Like a lot of films like this tend to be like, oh, pop music is the lowest common denominator of music. People who like it and enjoy it are brainless. Like radio play music is like garbage. And the movie is like surprisingly uncynical about music and the creation of music. It's only cynical about the business of music.
But like, do you what I mean? Like even in the marketing it to teen girls and when the audience finally does get to hear them like really actually play their song at the end of the movie, like it really does feel like a celebration of like friends getting together and making a band and rocking hard. And like, I like kind of admire that because in a movie that's so cynical about so many things, it like seems to me to actively make a point to be like, actually making music is cool. And actually pop music kind of rocks too. Like we're not above it. We're actually gonna mostly make fun of Metallica fans. Like this is like a fair game. Well, okay, so go ahead, go ahead.
Okay, I was just gonna say that I think it's like, I think it's really funny if you look back at reviews from 2001. And I think because it was a movie aimed at girls, like people could not process that it knew what it was doing and that it was purposefully subversive. So like a lot of the reviews are like, it's so consumer and it's like, no, it's showing like all these companies for a reason. Yeah, people thought it was so earnest. Yeah, like a Rotten Tomatoes like consensus review called it hypocritical for including like McDonald's and Target and stuff like that.
Like you missed the joke, buddy. Also apparently they didn't get paid for any of that stuff. It was just like fully part of the joke, part of the bit.
And that like her sitting in a hotel room that's plastered with a Revlon on every surface, like Revlon did not pay for that. They were just like, oh, it'll be funny if it's Revlon. And so it was Revlon.
And there was like a couple of ones that were like intentionally funny. I like, I wish I had written them down. I think I might be too stupid to have done it. I'm gonna read it in the shower that has McDonald's logos all over. And there's another one when they're fighting and there's like a top down view and there's like a logo that they're fighting on top of, but it's like, oh man, somebody will know the joke. I don't remember, but wait.
There's a lot of Target stuff.
Before we get too far into this, let's recap this. Ali, do you mind as? Sure, I feel like we get too long in the recaps. I'm gonna keep this. I think you get too long in the recaps. I'm gonna keep this concise for myself then. This is a personal goal.
You're never competing with anybody else other than yourself, except for when you're in a workout class and you choose that one woman who's your nemesis for the class. Then you're competing against her.
Okay, great. So in this movie, there is a small town band in Riverdale and they are called Josie and the Fizzy Cats. It's Josie who's- They're not. They're not. Okay, what are they actually called? The Pussy Cats. Okay, great. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're the Pussy Cats. That's a whole plot point.
Okay, Josie McCoy, she's the lead, then her friend's Val who's on bass and Melody who's on drums. They are seemingly discovered out of nowhere by a big hit record producer who is like, I think you guys could be the next huge band. Of course, at first, they're a little skeptical because things seem to be happening so quickly, but it turns out they skyrocket with their first hit to number one on the charts.
It is revealed throughout the course of the movie that whether or not their music is good is almost not even the point. There is subliminal messaging that is put into these records, not just to buy things, but also to tell you what is or isn't good. And so there's a funny scene where they're listening to it and they're like, I really want Gatorade. Gatorade is the new Snapple, but it's also a thing of, fame sort of drives them apart, but it's also because they are able to subliminally message how you feel about your bandmates and things like that. So ultimately it is a movie about consumerism and advertisement and how fame can mess with you and your head and your friends, but also about how great it is to make music together.
Thank you. That was great. Fantastic job.
Also, we got this question. Somebody was asking Riverdale, question mark. Yes, the same Riverdale.
And it's originally, this began as an Archie comic. Spinoff comic, something? Yeah, that's a world, which then became a cartoon, which then spun off into them in space and then somehow became this movie, which is a very odd trajectory for what this ultimately became.
So Sam, why this movie? I mean, I know you already alluded to it, but why, what does this movie mean to you other than it's something that you now watch every year?
On my birthday. On your birthday specifically.
I love it because it is a movie for women that is not cynical toward women, which is rare for that era. I like it because you can tell that women were involved, another rarity for the era.
I love the music. I think the music is, I think it's one of the best soundtracks of the last, I was gonna say 20 years, but I guess it's out of that window now. It's just, it's excellent. Of the century. Yeah, of the century. They had Kay Hanley from Letters to Cleo to like Josie's voice and I love Letters to Cleo. So that was a huge bonus for me. And overall, I think the combination of, well, the movie wouldn't work if the music wasn't excellent and it's excellent.
It's a perfect encapsulation of like the pop punk that everyone was going insane over during that time in 2001. And I just think that it's such a cool, fun movie that has stakes, don't get me wrong, but is feel good without being like too sugary sweet. And it's funny. And like the dujour songs are hilarious, the boy bands. It's extremely good. It's like a perfect parody of the NSYNC Backstreet Boy era. It's just a really great satire.
And I don't feel like it got the flowers it deserved. I agree with that. Totally.
It is weird that people just like couldn't conceive of it knowing, having faith that they knew what it was trying to do. Like what a weird, I don't know. We all were messed up about media though, like big time in that era, I feel. So like, I'm not like surprised to hear that, but it is such a strange reflection of the time for people to have watched this movie that is so silly and so funny and been like, surely they couldn't have meant that to be a joke. I mean, when they cast Missy Pyle, obviously it was not on purpose. They didn't cast somebody who was funny to land these funny lines, right? And it's like, it's a movie with Parker Posey. Like, what did you think? I don't know, it's so strange. People were like, I just feel like maybe it was supposed to be funny or something, but I don't understand. Three women, I thought it was gonna be about periods and drama, I don't know. It's like, I don't know.
I would've liked it better. It's for girls. I would've liked it better if they switched, Josie and the Pussycats with Dujour, right?
More Seth Green is what I wanna see. He was funny in this movie. He was so good at this. Dujour just kills it. He really, yeah, all those scenes are really excellent. And just like, I get, usually you can tell how funny a movie is if you get like a real laugh within the first like five-ish minutes of the movie and not like a little like, ha ha, titter, but like a true laugh.
And when Dujour is having a fight on the airplane and while they're all yelling over each other, you hear just very quietly, the lead singer go, what is exactly what he says first? He goes, yeah, very quietly. He goes, dujour means friendship. And then the whole fight does that. And then he goes, dujour means family.
I love it. It's so like, I had like a real or true laugh. Yeah, yeah, I was definitely cracking up, but like, dujour means seat belts. Yeah, dujour means seat belts. He's doing my face. It's so good.
And also, even in the beginning, beginning, there's a fun little joke where Melody, who's the stupid one, if you want to call her stupid, is holding up a sign that's like, honk if you love hugs. And then her next one's like, honk if you love pussy, dot, dot, dot, cats. But she's like holding, she's like holding up on a telephone pole. And so like a bunch of men get into like a three car car crash because she's holding up a sign and says, honk if you love pussy.
It's great. I definitely didn't get that when I was 11, but you know. I did not. Yeah. Now it's really funny. There's actually, there are multiple versions. Was that what you were going to say, Jesse? There are multiple versions of it. Oh, yeah. There is a, basically, and I think that's part of the problem, right? Sorry, not a problem, but like part of the reason that it might not have done so well is that it is kind of mature in a lot of ways. There are a lot of sexual jokes. Somebody mentioned in the comments before we started, this was in a time before bras or something. You know, like- I mean, you've watched Friends? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That also predates this movie.
It's just saying. So, yes, no, I'm just saying- You did not invent women not wearing bras. No, I'm not saying it did.
I'm just saying that Tara Reid is a very attractive woman scampering about. And so I could see people, basically whatever.
The PG-13 version had a lot of sexual references, had a bunch of these women who were, you know, I think this is the showing female empowerment in that way, I think was confusing to people at the time. So when it came out on VHS, they actually recut it for PG. And so they somehow made it like Tamer, like that joke presumably got cut out because- It is possible that I've never seen that joke. Cause like when it happened as I was watching it, I was like, wow, I either was too stupid to know what that was. And that joke is erased from my memory of this film. Or honestly, it's possible I never saw a PG-13 cut of it until this week. And I was always watching the PG one. I saw it in theaters.
Oh, there you go. So I think I must've seen both, but I was too young. I mean, in 2001, I was like 11 years old. So I think I was like too young to probably understand I had watched two different films. Yeah.
Well, I think it's possible they also released the PG-13 on DVD, but there's definitely at least a watered down version of it. But I think like with any satire, the thing that you run the risk of is which parts are real and which parts are, or like which parts are satirical and which parts are thoughtful and important or like intentional. And I can see potentially somebody going in and thinking that it A, was a movie about like a JoJo Siwa movie now where it's like she's the head cheerleader and people make fun of her or whatever.
But this is a lot more layered than that. Like they're trying to make a statement on consumerism and not even just music, right? Like you're saying that it's not just saying this band is great in your headphones.
It's also saying by Gatorade. Right, Gatorade is new Snapple.
Yeah, switch your color preferences. That was one of the weirdest things. When she walks in and she's like, something like pink is the new red. And I was like, I thought everything was the new pink. I'd never even heard of it. And then they do it again. It's like, oh no, pink is the new, or orange is the new pink. And just like, even as they're just like going- Also that's such a funny, weird little, I don't know if that's like a thing from pop culture in general, but there's a line from Legally Blonde where she says, whoever said orange is the new pink is seriously disturbed.
And they like, that like in my brain where I was like, oh, I guess I've seen that movie too many times also. That's also a line from Legally Blonde. It tried to get me to watch Legally Blonde when I was finished. Not a bad recommendation. Yeah, the algorithm was like, you like this? I mean, the best thing that it would recommend that it is impossible to watch and not streaming anywhere in a space world.
Well, so I was hoping- You can't find that anymore. It's just like gone.
I was hoping this would come up because I don't really remember a lot about it, but I remember it being sort of universally panned and especially Roger Ebert gave it the same rating. Gave the two movies the same rating, gave them each half a star and he compared Josie and the Pussycats like he basically equated it to Spice World, meaning that even Roger Ebert did not get this movie was funny. He just thought it was like another like outlandish like chicks on stage. I mean, I think it was probably a little smarter than that.
I have faith in the man.
Well, I don't know. His quote was he said, Josie and the Pussycats aren't as dumb as the Spice Girls, but they're not dumber than the Spice Girls, but they're as dumb as the Spice Girls, which is dumb enough is how he put it.
I mean, Spice World, which I have to admit, I think I've seen three times in my whole life because they have made it impossible to find or watch. One time was in theaters. It was a girl's birthday party. And so I went at the age of like nine or 10 and then like, you know, at random things throughout my life where somebody was like, oh my God, I happen to have this on a VHS or a DVD because they like have basically wiped it and you can't stream it.
And it is stupid on purpose, but it definitely has less of a satirical, unifying point of view about like pop music and culture than this movie does. Like this movie is like extremely overt and to the point where I'm sort of like baffled that some people couldn't get it. Like to the point where I'm amazed that these smart people aren't laughing at the jokes that are so obviously jokes. And Spice World is a little more ununified, ununifyingly silly stupid. There's like aliens, but also not, but also they're kind of parodying themselves as people. I don't know. It is also obviously supposed to be a comedy. And I think it was supposed to be an opportunity for us to engage with the characters they had created.
Cause like baby Spice is not a real person. The woman who plays baby Spice might be, but like the character of baby Spice is a character. And I think they were like playing up that, that like posh Spice, there's a really famous movie in the famous joke in the movie that baby like, we'll remember where posh Spice is like, hey, is my skirt too short?
And they're like, oh no, no, it's great. And she goes, okay. And she pulls it up shorter because like they said in a short, do you know what I mean? Like she's obviously making fun of herself and like the character she has developed in the world.
I wish we could watch it. I just don't think it's like around. I think there's something interesting to that where Spice World is benefiting from everybody knowing at the time who the Spice girls were and being very, very familiar with the property as it were. So they're playing with that. Again, I haven't seen it. I'm just assuming based on what you're saying. Whereas it's interesting because Josie and the Pussycats again is based off a thing. And the spin-off is them going to space and fighting aliens and shit. So like- Great, girls can do anything. But it is interesting. I mean, presumably they're too far apart. I mean, even right now, I have to assume that the majority of people watching Riverdale and the CW are not like massive fans of the comics per se in the way that people watching Green Arrow or whatever might really care about it.
But I think when Josie and the Pussycats come out it comes out three years after Spice World. And they're like, oh, it's like Spice World but with a band I've never heard of where that doesn't exist.
And I don't get it. And I don't like it.
You know, like Spice girls, you're like, oh, they're playing off their thing. That's fun. I get it. Although to be fair, that one is also critically panned but it did make four times its budget as opposed to this movie where it bombed in theaters and has since become a cult classic.
But it's just, I don't know. It's like, I think it's really hard to invent a new thing to be satirical with or something. Like, I don't know. I just think it's a really weird movie in my mind.
Yeah. It really felt, it feels extremely modern in that like, if you had replaced some of the references to be a lot less 2001 and boy bandy, I 100% could believe that somebody wrote this as like a spec script that got like a great reading on like one of those screenwriting competitions. And this is like on the blacklist or whatever. Like I 100% could believe that this movie was written in the last five years and it's just like waiting to be produced. Not with the references as is like du jour and stuff would probably be more like, I don't know, a Billie Eilish type thing, but it feels extremely current. Well, I feel like everyone is doing early 2000s period pieces right now. Like, you know what I mean? Like everything is set in 2003 right now and like we're having so much early 2000s nostalgia that I truly, I think that this movie as is could have been released right now.
You honestly might be right. And I think it would do better at the box office than it did. You honestly might be right.
It is weird that we- People have like this nostalgia like thing for that era right now and everyone dresses like people dressed in the movie. I saw a TikTok, an earnest one, not a parody one that was a girl recreating her mom's fashion from the 90s. And it was like denim Bermuda shorts and like a navy polo tucked in with a big belt and white sneakers with white socks and like her hair and a high pony with burgundy lipstick.
And it, the feeling that inspired in me has no words in the English language. You know what I mean? Like maybe you're in German, but definitely not in English.
At first I kind of thought it was a joke. And then as it went on and then she was like kind of like just like showing it in the camera and just sort of being like, this is kind of tight. This is kind of fierce. This is how my mom dressed. I was like, oh my God, it's real. It's a hundred percent real. And it is kind of fierce. It is still kind of actually how I dress.
I don't know. I have too many feelings about it. So like, I have to wait to say what it is. I think you're right. Like I almost think with a lot of these things, I mean, it did become a cult classic, right? You sort of have to be removed from it to appreciate it a little bit because I think there's something weird about kind of the late 90s, early 2000s where everybody was sort of trying to be cynical and satirical, but also they were still, the 90s were fun, man, and we're still doing and everything's fun and everybody's happy all the time and nothing can feel that dark or anything.
Then what happened, Jordan? What happened? Well, right, then. What happened?
Why didn't we stop being so happy? Then Alan Cummings abandoned another band over New York City on that plane.
That's what happened. Ah, I see. Yeah, this is pretty cool.
I think if 9-11 didn't happen, this movie would have made 300 mil. I like the idea that you're gonna go back in time to make sure 9-11 didn't happen just so this movie could be a success and get the credit it was due. I gotta stop 9-11 because of my favorite movie.
Oh, yeah. There was also a Rylo Kylie song around that time that was super popular but had the phrase sometimes planes, they smash up in the sky and it was on their 2001 album and they were like, well. Yeah, there's a lot of weird stuff like that. Jimmy World had their big album come out and it was called Bleed American and they were like, nope, it's called Jimmy World again. No, it's called Love To Be American. It's called 100%, no one should come to my house because I love being American so much. It's called Crazy Part? And Chumbawumba had an album called Don't Go To Work in early September and they had to pull it.
Stay in your tub and keep tub thumping. Did they have any other hits besides tub thumping?
I don't think so. Yeah, it was When The Tower Goes Down, we build it up again. Have you guys seen Girls 5 Eva? Yes. Which is also in the spirit of this movie. Very much so. But there's a whole plot line that one of their songs couldn't be released because it was about like we're flying planes through the sky. And it was released in like 2001 on September 8th or something. Good grief. 9-11 affected us all, go on.
I actually get paid by big theater if every time I bring up theater stuff. I get paid big actually. You have no idea, Jordan, how much I'm getting paid not by you. I'm getting paid at least seven rows every time.
I think Prince know about Broadway instead. That's more than we're making here, yeah. There's a Stephen Sonti musical called Assassins. That's a great musical, but it's about the people who either attempted to or successfully assassinated presidents.
And that was like, there was a huge revival planned for the fall of 2001. And they also canceled it because it just like felt sort of cynical and anti-American. Even though actually like when you watch it, it very much isn't, but there was just no way they were gonna sell tickets to a show.
And what's more patriotic than assassinating American presidents? I don't even understand why that would be- It's my God-given right.
Don't come to my house. We've been doing it forever. Don't come to my house.
I didn't mean that, it was a joke. I'm joking. Thank you for that clarification. My only point though, in saying all of that was to say that the lines were a little bit potentially too close for people to separate sometimes.
Whereas now, something like that, I think everything is already so cynical and sad and everybody's pissed all the time. That you're just like, oh, okay, they're doing a thing. They're making a point. They don't mean it because nobody means any, like we just assume that everybody is starting from a sad, angry place. You have to convince people that there's something good at the end, as opposed to here. Everybody's like, everything's great. And they're like, no, no, no. We actually have a critique. And they're like, I don't get it. You know how, so you know, like everybody compares everything to idiocracy.
It's almost like idiocracy was the first time that like pop culture at large was able to recognize satire. But this movie came out, this movie came out five years. This was the first satire. Yeah, but this movie came out five years before idiocracy and it did a lot of the same stuff, at least as far as like the weird, the like in your face brand integration kind of jokes. Yeah, but it got fully overlooked. And like I said, with that review, I quoted earlier, critics just didn't understand that that was a joke until idiocracies. So like, so that's just another reason why it would do better today because people are already primed to be like, oh, movies can make you think about stuff. All right, and to clarify, idiocracy is not the first satire. No, it's definitely the first satire. It's 100% the first satire ever written and produced.
Oh, but I'm saying it's, but I'm saying, I think I- I think I invented something. Yeah, no, but I think it's an early time that like the masses were able to be like, oh yes, this is like, I can put my thumb on this. This is satire. I think definitely of the early 2000s, like stupid happy brand of it, where it's like, this is actually, there's a cynical undercurrent. I mean, there's like, you can go all the way back to like network and stuff as even just one from the 70s. Anyway, when you go to Jonathan Swift or whatever. Yeah, but yeah, I understand what you're saying. People on Tumblr and Reddit are always talking about network. What I'm saying is people reference idiocracy all the time. Idiocracy walked so that a modest proposal could run. Exactly.
What did he say?
Was 1.03 higher than the US dollar? Yeah, so we, thanks. Is it Vegeta, Royal Vegeta? Yeah, you did it. That's another way to say anime. You got roasted hard for that one though, that last time. I know I did. So now we made what, $7 and 21 cents or something like that? That's great. Thank you, Europe. Once again.
I'm gonna use that money to buy Shirley Jackson's The Lottery and take it extremely seriously. Yes, so here's what's gonna happen right now. I'm gonna press this button, a curse.
Whoa. Here's my. I didn't know he came up here but it's neck. Yeah, I'm multitasking over here. So here's a theory that I have not seen anywhere else. You all ready?
So there were four actresses that auditioned for Val. That's her name, Val Rosario Dawson. There was her, obviously, Beyonce.
Yes. Also, how do you, I was a little bit separate from everything in the 90s. Are you talking about Lisa Left Eye Lopez? I know, I can pronounce Left Eye. How do you pronounce?
Aaliyah. Aaliyah?
Okay, so here's what I think happened. You really were sitting in the mud playing with sticks. I didn't have TV. We didn't have radio. I was just hanging out. I was playing GameCube.
Or NCC4. So four actresses tried out. Two are dead within a year of this film's release. Two go on to mega stardom. I think that they conspired Rosario Dawson and Beyonce.
So it killed, I don't know. Normally, it's also interesting that you would put Rosario Dawson and Beyonce on the same level of mass. Well, Beyonce did it better. Beyonce never got to have sex with Cory Booker, did she? We don't know. She can do anything she wants. That might be Rosario Dawson's first show. I saw a quote about this. Hold on, what was it? Okay, then maybe Beyonce cursed all three of them, but Rosario survived and has managed to continue. Fought her way through.
Okay, Beyonce, Aaliyah, and Lisa left at Lopez audition for the role of Valerie Brown. The screenwriter or co-screenwriter and director, Alphonse, said that they wanted someone who knew how to do comedy. Lopez read for the part twice. She really wanted the role.
Beyonce was quiet and shy, and Aaliyah was serious and thoughtful. I loved that quote. What a fun little summation of what these people were like when they were brought in to read for these characters. Thinking of Beyonce as quiet and shy really is surprising. I have heard that she is on the more reserved side.
She's really funny in Austin Powers, which came out, I assume, within three years of this. She's very, very funny in that movie. Maybe she did that because she was upset that she didn't get Josie in the Pussycat.
She was like, oh, they think I'm quiet. Oh, you think I'm quiet and shy?
I'm gonna make out with Austin Powers. I'm gonna be in Austin Powers' vehicle.
Honestly, I do think it's interesting. So Rosario Dawson is great, but I don't necessarily think of her as a particularly comedic actress either. I mean, she's good in this and she's funny in that, but she is also the thoughtful one anyway. It's kind of an interesting- Yeah, it's funny in the movie. She lands a couple really- She does. She lands a couple of good jokes. Sure, but I don't think it was like a wacky- But I would describe her as the band as the more grounded. I agree. I will say though, Tara Reid is so funny, so unbelievably giftedly funny. I'm sort of sad she didn't get to do more and more funny stuff. I think her performance in this movie is exceptional. I really love, I love a well-meaning dummy. That's probably one of my favorite character archetypes in the world. And I think she just lands every joke and is still so lovely. And doesn't seem to be mean or making fun of herself or women like that at all, but it is also not without its own humor. It's not angelic, it is stupid too. I just, I think she's good. And it is a shame that the only other thing of hers we've watched on this podcast has been Sharknado. Which is great. I watched it through.
Yeah, we had a great time. We had a really excellent time.
I feel like Tara Reid in this movie has big Jason from The Good Place vibes. One million percent. That line where when Josie's like evil and she's like puppies turn into dogs and dogs get old and they die. And that's like the worst things she's ever heard and she like runs away crying. I was like, wow, I love all of this.
No notes.
Yeah, I thought, I mean, she played like a real, kind of a nuanced kind of ditz. You know, like I think she's like, she's like just this master craftsman when it comes to like, to ditzes. Not even just, she's more than a hot idiot. He's like. Yeah, you know, there's something more there. There's like an indescribable specialness that makes her go beyond like hot idiot. Which is like totally an archetype also. But like, she's got a little something special that like you feel charmed and protective and like, she's just like lovely in her lovely dumbness.
Yeah, there's a couple or a few times when she like just sort of just really hit the nail on the head describing somebody's character. Literally like saying like, oh, the evil guy, he seems like he's evil because nobody really likes him. And they just use him for his power and stuff. The way she said that was the exact same energy that she says any of the dumbest things which then make you for a second be like, wait, is there wisdom in the other stuff she's saying? Yeah, there's also a line like on the other side of that. Like I love how many times in this movie people just say what is happening. I really mean that like I think more comedy could benefit from people trying to be less clever and just like just fucking saying what's exactly what's happening. And like one of my favorite parts is at the very end of the movie when the two villains have revealed that they were both social outcasts and actually are now in love because they were the only people who like cared about each other in high school. One person's like, so what? Only freaks should be in love with each other. And then somebody else is like, no, like I think we're just supposed to like try and see who we are, really are inside. And then Missy Piles character goes, unlike you whack jobs, I'm perfect just as I am.
And that at that exact moment, someone walks in and goes, holy shit, that girl's got a skunk on her head. Yeah, yeah. Oh, another killer line from her. I'm pretty sure it's her. Yeah, yeah, like early on her brother, like the manager or whatever is, I don't know what he's supposed to be saying, but he says, I don't know why you're still here. And she just goes like, oh, I'm here because I'm there in the comic books.
I know. Just perfect board wall breaking. That's funny. The holy shit raccoon on your head was the part where I laughed the most. It was great. And it happened so fast.
Yeah. They use their few curses. They use them really, really well. Yes. Yeah.
I wanna mention really quickly that the clown eating out of a trash can was one of my favorite sight gags I've seen in a long time. I don't know if you guys noticed that. Josie is realizing that she's being brainwashed or whatever she's walking down the street and kind of freaking out and everything is sort of going wild. And there's a clown eating out of a trash can. And I was like, I don't know who decided that or why. Maybe it's from a panel. Maybe they're doing the Zack Snyder thing. We're like, no, it's straight from the comics. But I thought it was very inspired. I was very delighted that there was just a freaking clown eating out of a trash can. I just felt, I thought it was important that we noted that.
Yeah. Now I'm just imagining a Snyder cut of Josie and the Pussycats and like other devoted comic book fans. So I think they're owned by DC, just being like released it. I think that- Yeah, because I believe it's owned by Warner, which owns DC, so. I think you're right, because I was gonna say CW stuff is all over HBO, which is Warner Brothers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Warner's though. That means that Josie and the Pussycats are DCU.
Okay. Whoa. I hope they're in the next Joker movie. Hey, maybe.
We don't know what time period is. Maybe it'll be another period piece where the Joker's like, I just freaking love Josie and the Pussycats. And he's walking around. I'm still a little shaken up about 9-11. It was kind of recent, but not that recent. But recent enough that we're still in the cultural zeitgeist.
That's what causes him to snap in that movie. He's like, why did nobody watch this? Yeah. Oh my God, the Joker's the Joker because nobody appreciates his favorite movie. The movie is Josie and the Pussycats, parentheses, 2001. Yeah, he's like, I got the satire, but nobody else did, corporations.
I'm kind of into this. Speaking of just like this movie and its aesthetic and everything, I was obsessed with it as a kid because they're all dressed great and look beautiful. And now as an adult, first of all, I think Parker Posey as Fiona is the height of fashion. I would walk out the door today in anything she wore in that movie. I think it's phenomenal.
And also it made me realize, I had a memory that when I was a kid, I wanted the Josie haircut so badly. It was also the Willow from Buffy haircut, the sort of spiky, short, choppy hair flips out to the side haircut. Yeah, it's not a real haircut in real life.
Humans can't do it. It's not meant to be done by humans.
It's not, it's just for film and movie. Josie and the Pussycats is Dragon Ball Z for girls.
I really might be, because I begged for this hairstyle so much and my mom kept being like, your hair can't do that. And I was like, well, you don't know, you don't cut hair. So we went to a salon and we sat down and I brought pictures. I printed out pictures of Alison Hannigan and Buffy and they were like, your hair can't do this. And I left with no haircut.
I had her memory of that while watching this movie. I was like, oh, right. Oh yeah, this isn't what humans look like. I really do know that hair is just like going super saiyan for women. Yeah, all those women went totally super saiyan and they neglected to explain that the average human can't go super saiyan. Jessie would know, right? Explain how one goes super saiyan. You just did that video. Trained super hard. I honestly forget, I don't remember the details. I haven't gone super saiyan in quite some time.
Royal Vegeta, give us a hundred euros and then also explain to us how it is. Oh yeah, we're just purely catering to this person now. I see one of us is watching and it's Royal Vegeta. But you kamehamehonde over some more euros. Okay, good night everybody. Watch this, I'm gonna stir the pot a little bit. Oh yeah, you go super saiyan because somebody steals your monkey tail.
Oh, don't know what that means, but I agree. Yeah, no, definitely. I vaguely know what it means.
I, just by the way, as a side note, I think one thing that's really interesting about this movie is also the same thing that was interesting about Elvis, which is depicting women emphatically freaking, and men actually, but freaking out over musicians. And I actually found that article that I referenced in Elvis and I forgot to actually read it. So next time we do a movie, but just something about this phenomenon of women, young women, usually losing their shit to some kind of like star or musician or whatever. And it's kind of like a traceable phenomenon. The Atlantic has a really interesting article trying to figure out why. And I would paraphrase it in some useful way, but alas, I didn't mean it.
Did you do his research? Who's got the time? Well, another Elvis- I'll throw the chat. How about that? Yeah, toss in the chat.
Another Elvis parallel was how they, oh, the whole like the big final concert was gonna be telecast across the world. And I thought it was interesting because in the Elvis movie, they say that Elvis was the, or Elvis's manager was the first person to do that. So just said to me that they knew they're like, I would love to know if the writers slash directors, like if they were comic book people first, or if they were like, had a history in the music industry. Cause it seemed like they really knew their shit as far as how the music biz works and how exactly to like lampoon it in a way that the masses would understand.
I will say at that final concert, everyone's having such a good time and it's interrupted for a solid 45 seconds when that guy decides to say that he loves Josie. That was so funny. And if I was at the concert, I'd be like, shut up. That felt like a- Shut up, I'm having a really good time.
You're totally ruining the vibe, you weird tall white dude. Like get out of here. That felt like either like a Monty Python sketch or like, and I think you should leave character. Crowd surfing guy who's in love with the, who's trying to win back the front woman.
So I think that's part of what probably confused. I just think shoehorned in love stories like that. Like it doesn't really add. I mean, it's necessary, I guess, but the guy just like shows up with a Pizza Hut pizza two or three times or whatever.
I mean, that feels very 2001. Right. Everything I've said so far has been that feels very 2001 parentheses, yay. And this feels very 2001 parentheses derogatory because like it felt like almost every movie at that time really did feel the need to shoehorn in some sort of romantic lead or make sure we were a hundred percent positive that the lead woman was straight.
Do you know what I mean? Like that's very 2001 that they were just like, no. Even like, do you remember like that really weird Scooby-Doo movie? They like made sure everybody hooked up with somebody at the end of the movie and they were all people of opposite gender. No exceptions. Do you know what I mean? Like very much like, do you know what I mean?
It is a great film. I was just saying that weird Scooby-Doo movie. Oh, you mean a great piece of cinema? I mean, it is really great piece of cinema. It was weird in that it felt away from the tone and genre of all previous Scooby-Doo type things. But again, as much as I think that- It's written by James Gunn. Here you go. Again, as much as I think that- Why it's groundbreaking. I think that movie's excellent and it's great.
He drafted with a grandma on a plane. But even then you were like, look, Shaggy up until this point has basically been a sexist being. It is very important though that people understand that he can fuck and will fuck but only if it's a woman. Do you know what I mean? Given the opportunity, that guy's gonna fuck. Given the opportunity, this guy will.
Yes, yes. Yeah.
Another two euros. Happy birthday, you kids. I have kids, they won't see this money but I'll tell them it's from you. If my kids ever lay a single eye on a euro that they're out of the house.
But yeah, that's it. It feels very of its time in that the assumption was no one will care, no one will anything unless we make sure there's a cute boy for us to also enjoy. Even if he has no plot line and nothing to do if he's not there, somehow the movie's bad. Very two dollars and one.
It's very weird that they made him musical. Like I thought that was gonna play. Like his voice seemed okay. Like that was such an odd thing to say. He also music but we don't wanna like get into whether he's good or if he's like.
I'm guessing that got cut down. I'm like, I am guessing there was a larger plot line with that and to make it around an hour 30 because that's all we have the attention span for as ladies. I feel like they probably cut it out and they probably just should've cut him out because it didn't do anything. Yeah, it didn't do anything.
But I also understand that like networks and stuff that like they want you to have that so bad. Yeah, I believe that you just have a movie about friends. I can see the pressure to keep it. Exactly, and that like, it is cool that nowadays we sort of trust people more in like a girls five ever type thing to be like, no, the relationship of this film, this movie, this franchise, this whatever, is the friendship between these characters. Like, I'm interested in how these friends interact with each other and how time has changed them and like, they're friends, but that's the backbone of this thing. And there's like, there's very little pressure to appease anything else or just be like, no, it really is just allowed to be about these five women who are friends. Right, like, I remember how in the sisterhood of the traveling pants, like they made it very clear that the pants are boy pants and that they really feel the connection with the pants. And they're just like, just so you know, we're all straight.
Also, actually they're not, are they? Isn't there?
I don't know, I haven't seen it as. Sure, I haven't seen it in years.
I was gonna say really quick, I do think it would have been fine if, I mean, it would have been pretty typical, but Josie goes so far astray, she tries to write a song to appease whatever. That's what's weird, I guess, about the subliminal messaging thing, where it's like, you could literally write anything. And that's what they do at the end, right? They write a song that people non-brainwash, but you would have thought that the poor, simple boy playing at the bar would be like, just write from your heart, they'll love it.
Is it Tiny Tim? Tiny Tim with Pizza Hut.
Also, I was going to mention just, so that concert, they actually filmed that for free with real people, like those are all there of their own volition. They're not CGI? They're not CGI.
And everybody learned their instruments and actually sang, and it's a real concert that they threw. And the girls were having so much fun that they actually spent too much time filming them, because they were like, we're rock stars, this is the best.
A bunch of people started leaving. So you actually, the directors have pointed out, there's no full shot of the arena, because they couldn't, like they were trying to shoot t-shirts at people, offer them hot dogs and shit, but like people were like, I mean, this is free, this is fun, but like. I can't even see Tara Reid. And so they, yeah, so they spent like an hour shooting them, and then like, oh my God, everybody's leaving.
So they're like. It's not a joke we made literally a year ago at this point about that giant crowd orgy scene perfume story of a murder. Wow, yeah. Aren't we like, have we not come to third beats? Like we're here, we've arrived. That some people were just there for fun? Or what do you mean? Long, I mean, look, it's been a year now, but I feel like at a certain point we were saying like, none of those, we were joking that none of those people in that crowd scene were paid extras, they were all there of their own abolition to have a giant naked orgy scene, and then more people just kept joining because it seemed fun, and that like nobody there was SAG, like it was just funsies. Hey Ma, you gotta get over here. Yeah, yeah, that feels like a joke we made a year ago at this point.
Speaking of the music, if you had to pick a fav song from the soundtrack, what is fav song from soundtrack? Well, I think that like objectively the best song is three small words. Yeah. Three, two, one, you know, the whole like, it's brilliant, and another girl's five-ever thing that is very similar. Yeah, it's true. We're gonna be famous five-ever. Yeah, because four-ever's too short. I love, my favorite song, like my favorite like angsty, like pretend I still love Avril Lavigne song on that soundtrack is probably Shapeshifter.
Ooh, that is really good. It's a good like rock out. I think if I like really, really had to choose a favorite, I think it's pretend to be nice. Oh yeah, that one's great. It's such a good song. It's also an Adam Schlesinger joint, which is like why it is. He's so good. It's why it's so good.
And it is like the song that is written to be their number one hit, but like when you're listening to it, you do believe that it's a number one hit. Like I really appreciate in shows and TV and things about creating a piece of art when the piece of art is like really quite excellent. And like when I hear pretend to be nice, I'm like, yeah, this could be, this 100% could have been played on the radio in 2001. This could have been number one hit. I don't feel like you are asking me to suspend my disbelief cause it's a movie. Like this is a hit. Yeah. I feel like the soundtrack is a spiritual successor to the 10 things I hate about you soundtrack. One million percent. Because of the Kay Henley involvement. A lot of the movie soundtracks of this era are phenomenal, but also just like, man, music was really fun. This was a really fun time for music. Just like, I know that everybody says that because when you think the things that are best when you were 11 are the best things in the world because you were 11. But like, you know, I still think it all kind of slaps when it comes up on Spotify. It's like, yeah, a hundred percent. Thank you for this one.
Well, that's why Machine Gun Kelly is making guitars cool again. Oh, yeah. Were guitars not cool for a while? No. Well, not until Machine Gun Kelly noted virtuoso guitarist brought it back. When did they become not cool? When did we decide it wasn't good anymore?
I did read the entire interview. Gotcha, gotcha. Okay. So they were still cool when Prince was playing at the Super Bowl and his guitar looked like his penis, but then it went cool again after that. That wasn't cool. Okay. So the guitar was cool until Machine Gun Kelly put a humbucker in a pink telecaster. Okay, okay.
And declared that he was punk. Because I thought, I did think, and now I said that I'm wrong, a hundred percent, and women often are. So I take it, I acknowledge it. But I thought it was cool when Prince was playing his guitar at the halftime show and it looked like a penis and he got the round of the censors, but now I realize I was wrong. I get it. So Sam, I'm now that you just said that.
You said humbucker in a telecaster, which means you know something. And I'm, am I seeing a guitar in the bottom left hand of your screen? You sure are. Yeah, that's my regular telecaster. Oh yeah.
Single coil. That's a fun little thing. I have an instrument next to me too, but it's not cool. It's a glockenspiel, a xylophone. I'll get it out of its little case. The triangle? Not a triangle. I have to unzip the case. Is it like a single thing? No, it's what I learned how to play during the pandemic because I needed a hobby because I was just sit staring at the wall.
This is incredible. Wow. That's pretty cool. It's actually fantastic. That's cool. Okay, it's not cool. But yeah, exactly. But it is fun.
And if it's like really good for people who- We're all grabbing our stuff. I wanna grab my stuff. If you are a person who- Y'all wanna jam? Let's, hey. Let's do it.
Do you guys wanna, now this only has a certain amount of chords. So we can't choose anything that has like anything too minor because this was most written for folk music. But do you wanna play anything from the Mighty Wind soundtrack?
I'm fully prepared. I have a Mustang on my wall that I'm like, should I try to lift it with one hand? I don't think I'm going to. No, no, we got it. It's not worth the bit to get a concussion. I completely agree or to break this nice guitar. I'm like about to pull my Les Paul out.
I'm so excited. But what I do think is like great about the movie in general is that like it does make you wanna be your rock star. Like I think that that's like lovely. And I'm sure there are some young people who saw this movie and then immediately were like, mom, I want a guitar. And then there were some people who said, mom, I wanna get my hair cut like Josie.
And they said, that's not real. No, sweetheart, that was a movie.
Yeah. We would not have machine gun Kelly were not for Josie and the Pussycats. I mean, he looks like- Josie played an instrument though, don't you? Am I wrong? I have like a hundred and something year old trumpet in my closet. I think let's do a Scott cover of- The entire Josie and the Pussycats soundtrack. I can play power chords.
I'm so down. I just got rid of my bass. But oh man, if I still have that thing. Okay, well, that's good. I think we're at a good spot.
Do you all wanna throw it to the unwashed masses or did anybody have any final? I don't have anything specific. Well, just say something non-specific.
Well, I think there's a lot of discussion to be had about like what Scott Pilgrim versus the world owes to Josie and the Pussycats. I was big Scott Pilgrim dweeb and it never even give Josie and the Pussycats a chance. And now finally watching it, I see so much of the stuff that like Scott Pilgrim, even in the graphic novels, borrowed from Josie and the Pussycats and some of the stuff that was so subversive about Scott Pilgrim was like directly a subversion of something from this movie. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but it adds a layer to both of these movies. But it did the same thing where it's like, yeah, man, it makes you wanna be in a shitty band. They never become rock stars per se in Scott Pilgrim really.
But yeah, I don't know.
There's just a lot of cool similarities and both very well crafted and very earnestly done. And I think we need more movies about music nerds, but they have to be based on comics, so that's tough. Okay. What if we gotta pick the most obscure character from the DC universe of comics. We need to write the most banging songs imaginable for these characters. And then we need to sell it as a franchise where by night they're a supervillain or whatever, but by day they play in a shitty punk band.
And then it's like, guys, we got a gig. We're playing at the garage at 11 o'clock on Thursday. And he's like, oh, yo, yo, I got a bank robbery on Thursday at 11. You know what I'm saying?
Holy. Whoa. Loco madman. Holy hell.
What did we do? What did we say? $70 Canadian, that's like $5 American.
Don't offend them, they'll take it back. They can't take it back.
I don't have any stake in this. I don't think I'm getting any of this, but I'm so excited about this. I think we should take all of it.
All right. Did you miss, did you miss type? Like, is that a, do you mean to say like 69? I don't think so. Yeah. It could have been 69. Nice. Well, nice.
Hey, do you wanna watch a movie more than Demolition Man? Who cares about that shit? I'm just kidding. We'll still do Demolition Man, did you wanna do a different movie? Loco madman, you've got three seconds to answer before the other, before.
You can make a spot to like the square again or something. At that price point, I'll even watch the square, if you could believe it. I like the square. Yeah, the square is great.
Too long. It's 54.83 US apparently, which is still great. That's still fantastic. The joke is an S-funny. 54.83 is a less well-known sex act, but not like the famous one. It's pretty good.
Yeah, you're like most of the way turned. Just not, you know, you're at like a 78 degree angle.
One thing I will say before we throw this to the unwashed masses, I love movies with female villains. I just really love it. I loved it because it did. It was one of those things I couldn't really like put my finger on, but I just like, I always really like a campy female villain. I like just, it's like one of my greatest, I don't know. I just sort of, I just love it so much.
And so- In a way, if there was no Josie in the pussy cast, there'd be no Ragnarok.
I really like kind of do that a little bit. I just keep saying nonsense. I like, like, I don't know. There's just something about like, it was obviously not at all appreciated in its time when it was released. You know what I'm saying? Nobody was sitting there being like, oh my God, Parker Posey, what a camp icon. Oh, you know.
They should have. But they should have.
But like, now knowing that people look back on it and go like, oh my God, Parker Posey, camp icon. Phenomenal, great performance line. Perfect. I like see so much of that in just like the kind of characters people write or play.
Or I just, I think it's fun when we have like a fun and dumb campy female villain, especially one who is not motivated by like sex revenge. This is a little bit sex revenge, but it's more like popular kid revenge, not like sex revenge. Yeah, it feels very like petty and not about a man.
100%. And it's just great. I love it. I think we need more of those. And if anybody's got a script with a high, which has a stupid female villain, you just send it to me. Because I'll do it for the low cost of 54.83 US dollars. Hell yeah. We're 69 Canadian. I'll take it. Cool. Let's see if anybody had anything to say. This is a great point by the Frances Knatter, Knater.
Why is it that girly movies are slammed and called dumb but overly masculine action movies are some are blockbusters. I think even more than that, it is interesting that like you will see even like the expendables didn't get great reviews, right? Like it wasn't, people weren't falling over themselves to say how great it was. But almost every review had the caveat, but it's fine. You know, like it's not good, but it's fine. Whereas with Josie and the Pussycats and similar type movies, it feels less likely that you get that. It's like, wow, I didn't like it.
One star. I'm entitled to my opinion. I don't have to explain myself.
If they see one more X-Marine going rogue to avenge their family. This happened a lot in Josie and the Pussycats. It's dead. I took her daughter.
Yeah. There's a remix of the opening of Josie and the P-cats by Cartoon Network. Yes. Oh, yes, you did. And also this is our favorite anime big tit. Oh, hey. Yeah, with a brand new one.
Looking pretty modest. A lot less spicy, thank you.
Well, they're still there. I mean, I know they're there.
I look forward to what you bring to the table every week. The zealot master one.
Let her live. What does this movie say about the culture seeing that Josie herself had to be brainwashed? Are you saying that she wouldn't have been a sellout if she hadn't been brainwashed? Because I think that is sort of what the movie is implying that the higher ups knew these friends would never turn on each other for money. They had to interfere and play dirty by implanting it in her brain.
She wasn't immune to it though, right? That is kind of a weird, I mean, it's not weird, but it is interesting that they didn't make it like, I don't know, she was the only one who didn't want to drink Gatorade or whatever. I mean, it doesn't necessarily affect me.
It wouldn't work on her because she's got tiny earbuds in that are playing Kate Bush. She's running up that hill.
You are all joking, but I have two Kate Bush posters in my office that none of us ever see on the camera. I'm like the biggest fan of Kate Bush, in like the world. Here's a question. Vecna grabs you, puts it in this evil clock hell. If they blast Josie and the Pussycats, are you running in slow motion? I might be, but it honestly would be more likely to be like, why should I love you from one of Kate Bush's albums? Like, it probably would be a lot closer to that 80s bitch. I love Ally arguing with Vecna about a Kate Bush B side.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, do you have babushka? I want babushka, play Ariel.
Vecna's like, I know you don't like this one as much. You can't escape with this one.
No, he's got like Spotify, he's got like Spotify, free Spotify or whatever. You're deaf because of a Squarespace ad. Is this best of? I'm kind of a real fan. You don't have to play best of. You can play a weird shit.
Yeah, you're running towards the portal or whatever. And then it's like an ad and it just like, it's all very funny. Yeah, there you go. There's a, there's a sketch. Hey, this is good, we can keep doing show and tell. I'll show you my, my auto.
Spotify. I'll show you my Spotify password.
I don't have anything else cool in here, unfortunately. Water bottles. All right.
Anyway, Saban and Fox tricked an entire country to show up for the closing scenes of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, the movie 1995 and didn't tell them or pay them as extras. That is fascinating. I don't remember the end of that movie, but I'm sure Jesse does. Jesse, how's that movie? Yeah, what happened?
I had shot it. I drank too much Coca-Cola. So I left when the credits started rolling.
Have you seen this movie? I've seen, yeah, I've seen it, but I don't really remember. Of course you've seen it. Derogatorily, of course you see it. Yeah.
You had television. Your parents would let you have a trampoline. All you rich kids with your TV.
It's not here. Selling my sister's dolls to buy Nintendo 64.
It doesn't matter. Which is true. That's not actually a bit.
Who did that? I did.
You sold her dolls? Well, there were two, they had a lot of dolls. I have two sisters.
My parents wouldn't buy me them. My sisters wouldn't buy me an N64.
So I took my Pokemon cards and I took a couple of their like Pokemon dolls like Eevee and stuff. And I went door to door when I was 10 and around our neighborhood selling them until I got like- I have a TV? Yeah, like 30, 40 bucks or whatever. And then I sold a Gameboy to somebody. And then I got my friend's mom to drive me to Babbages.
Cause we didn't have a GameStop yet. It wasn't bought out by GameStop.
And then I bought it and then I brought it home. And I was like, it already exists. Can I play it now?
Yeah, my sisters wouldn't buy me one. And I told my sisters I would split the money with them but I don't think I ever- Were they never like, where's my Eevee doll?
No, no. So I made a deal with them. I was like, I'll let you play the N64. You got to deal with them that Kate Bush was talking about and running up that hill. Yeah. Is that a titular deal with God? I switched places with my sisters dolls.
There's a song called Back Door Lover. I mean, it's a great, it's a real vibe. It sounds like a back door lover. Yeah, it's really good.
It could have been an Archie universe with this movie. And since Archie has a crossover with Predator which actually we pointed out, The Punisher Goes to Riverdale just kills everybody.
Jesse and I actually did a video about that that nobody watched. Oh, good. Guys, congrats. But I agree, that would be really fun. Speaking of videos that we've made that nobody watched. Vegeta says that the calculator video we just put out on Friday was funny or Tuesday was funny. Thanks. Thank you, Royal Vegeta. Nobody watched it.
All right, anything else? I'm an enigma, says, cracked itself. Brian, presumably. Okay, so alternate titles. I don't know if anybody warned you about this, Samantha. Did anyone, are you aware of this? Three girls, one band. Hey. All right, let me write these down.
Did that come out the same year? Actually, there would be no two girls, one cup without Josie and the Pussycats. Also two girls, one cup is owned by Warner. Yeah, Roger DeBertsoe didn't get it when it came out. It was kind of sick. This is just like pub girl.
I miss when every year there was like a shock thing. I know, we don't, we're just constantly shocked now because the world's so bad. Yeah, everything's just so horrible. Everything just fucking blows.
I don't care, shit wherever you want. It's a free country. Every year on my birthday. What am I gonna do? Call women what not to do? Go shit.
I was gonna make a predator joke but I feel like we've moved past that. Well, now you have to make it. I just think that the predator would be great in two girls, one cup. I was just gonna tie a few things together but you guys got a real bag.
That's the kind of crossover we're looking for. If we have any artists that are watching right now, draw some fan art, send it over to us. Yeah, we'll throw that up on the YouTube. We'll be fine. We'll get that monetized.
Throw that up on Facebook. Say, I hate Mark Zuckerberg. Picture of that, see what happens. We're trying to do more engaging tweets.
What's more engaging than predator engaging in two girls, one cup? Apparently that new Prey movie is pretty good. So it's time. It's got a woman in it. I don't know if she poops, but. Oh, but it's also like all the lead actors are Native American, right? Oh, that's cool. I actually don't know anything about that. Is that like two girls, one cup? I haven't seen it. Space surprised you.
I know you did because you had a TV. Yeah, they were often showing it on television. Yeah, I pulled that up on my AOL TV. Yeah, at night, if you kept the TV on for too long, it went to the pure moods ad and then after that, two girls, one cup. Yeah, it was kind of fuzzy but sometimes if you like messed with it, it would just, you could see it. Yeah, if you smack the side.
Okay, well, that's one title. Great. Does anyone have any thoughts on that title? It wasn't a theory. No, no, I have a title.
Are you ready for this? Everybody needs to listen really closely. Yeah, Allie, we're ready. What is it? Listen closely.
Allie is the most jerkin' girl in the world. Everybody loves Allie. She has the best hair and the most awesome clothes and she's so thin. Great. Allie is jerkin'. Okay. I've never seen Allie more jerkin' than just the hen.
That was the exact line from the movie and I thought it was so funny I had to write it down. It's great, that's really funny. So anyway, I hope everyone was listening really hard when I said that.
It's that Simpsons episode with super-limital messaging. Say it again. It's from The Simpsons? From The Simpsons.
Even at Niaj is Join the Navy Backwards and it's a whole thing where they're like a band that sings a song called Even at Niaj, if I recall correctly. So, Even at Niaj.
Let's see. Okay, that's it. Great. All I had was White Ass Wally, just because I like White Ass Wally.
And just nobody's pimp, because at some point she says that she's nobody's pimp. But I think that's the opposite of what she means.
As far as standalone lines go, I also really love the line. And I thank God every day I knew the lyrics to Enter Sandman. I feel like that could very well be the title of this. That was really funny.
It was weird too, because did they just like lose the actors after those first two scenes? Like clearly that wasn't them. Like that wasn't Seth Green wrapped up in a body cast, right? I mean, I don't think you can pay Seth Green to come get wrapped up in a body cast. Do you know what I mean? It's like three scenes, but they only got three of them for two scenes. I just thought it was a really weird, he's still here, but like he's instead of just killing or something.
I feel like, because this is only a couple of years after- 9-11. Right, right. Yeah, Seth Green took 9-11 really hard. But I feel like to me, it felt like there was a lot of stuff, even like the Eugene Levy, Eugene Levy, sorry. Yeah.
To everyone, that cameo. It just felt like, oh, these are people that like each other. Like these big names like wanna be in this movie.
So I feel like, I don't know, Seth Green just like came by and he's like, yeah, I'll do whatever. It'd be fun. I can come back to the end or you could just wrap me in duct tape and I won't even make a return. I don't know.
I just saw Bullet Train and it was fine. It was whatever. I enjoyed it, but I didn't think it was like the best movie I've ever seen.
But they do a lot of cameos throughout. Like every character that appears that they've been alluding to the whole time shows up. And you're like, oh, it's like the famous person.
That's cool. And I do think it did give off that vibe of a movie where everybody was just having fun making it. Yeah. And I do think that helps a lot.
Wouldn't you love to be Carson Daly who is now kind of a pop culture, but of a joke, but at the time like who wasn't running home to watch TRL? Like it was like the biggest, I mean, okay, Mr. I played the stick. Jordan would love to be. Sorry you went home with the Predator, okay? Jordan would've loved it. Some of us went home and watched TRL. Jordan would love to be in cops with the Predator. But like, I think I can imagine being somebody who was as busy and as famous as Carson Daly.
And somebody being like, would you like to play yourself in a movie? Except it's not really yourself. You're kind of an idiot and it'll be fun. And like being like, of course I want to do that. I do nothing but talk to Frankie Nunez all the time now. Like what I want to do is like do a stupid fun movie where I like play myself and make fun of myself and say it's more like total requests dead.
Like, huh, it was fun. You know, in a way there could be no, this is the end without Josie and the pussy. And I did love that movie. I thought that movie was really fun. I liked that one a lot. I was very surprised by this. Well, I didn't love the last third as much, but it was very, very fun.
I was just going to say, Tara Reid and him were dating at this time too. I don't know if you saw like all the jokes of like, she's like, I'd never date you or whatever. And that was just like part of the joke. And then she grabs Matt Damon cut out. And so I was like, Tara Reid and Matt Damon. Like, I didn't know if that was also a joke.
I didn't have TV. I don't know if you guys. That's cool. Has that made you normal?
Oh my God, wait, holy crap. I just, bullet train is kind of like lucky number 11. That's what we're watching after Demolition Man. Holy crap. I thought you were going to say instead of, and I thought you were about to have that.
No, no, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.
Boil Vegeta's cross continental bidding war.
Holy crap, I had ATV. I didn't have TV. I didn't have cable.
Shut up, Brian. Okay, here are my, I already did my titles. Here are the titles of the masses.
She's all that jazz. Now, you know, I like that one. My favorite movie. Showgirls two.
It's okay, three actually. That's true. Rest in peace.
Barkley, or what was her name? What's the actress's name? Or is that a different, I'm thinking two different actresses. Two girls, one cup. Who remembers? What about Lisa Leftye Lopez? No, the Brittany Murphy's who I'm thinking of.
She's not a showgirl. No, she's not. She's not, but what a talent.
Scooby Doo with music too. I like this because it was sort of written like an old English folk ballad. Riverdale Origins. It's actually true. It's great.
Josie gets a shrink ray gun. Does that happen? Does that make Janie get a gun? No. Maybe that's not even a title. Maybe that was a wish.
Josie and the premature satire. Josie gets pretty much. My satire came prematurely.
Now, Seth Green and Tara Reid didn't date. Tara Reid and Carson Daly dated. I mean, I guess you could have dated Seth Green. I'll date Seth Green, of course.
All right. Who cares? We're a little over. So I'm just going to wrap it up. We're going to be done. We got to go jam. I got a hot date. All right.
So we're live streaming every Thursday at 4th. You haven't picked up on it by now. And next week is apparently Demolition Man. So we're going to do that. Hope we can find it to watch it. Yeah.
So subscribe to us on YouTube mostly. But we also do an audio version on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, everywhere like that. I'll put a link somewhere where you can request other movies from us. But it really does help if you give us money first, I will say.
And yeah. So Sam, thanks so much for coming on. Where can we find you? Yes, Sam, that's awesome. Thank you. Yeah, thanks. It was so much fun.
What's your Twitter handle? Or where can people find you? So I'm on Twitter and Instagram at SamlyMatters.
S-A-M-L-Y matters. And yeah, you can follow me on there and watch Josie and the Pussycats join the army. The Navy, Sam, the Navy. No, no, no, it's different. Great.
Allie, where can we find you? Well, you can find me at Ms. Alice Nutting.
I usually spell it, but now I realize it's right there. I don't need to spell it. So do that. Oh, there's a podcast version too, but. OK. So if you're not reading it, it's at M-S-A-L-I-C-E-N-U-T-T-I-N-G. That's how you spell it.
You're welcome, whoever. You're so welcome. Listen to the latest episode. Welcome. Great.
Are you doing any things? Sometimes you talk about other stuff. Am I doing any other things?
I don't think so. I am kind of locking down in the house a lot nowadays to be in town. Because you're getting married. That's something. I am getting married like soon. And I like really don't. Can podcast fans get into the wedding? Yeah, if you give over $69 of Canadian money, you can come to the wedding. I really don't want to get COVID.
You know how it goes. It's just like fun to be alive right now. Yep. Just next week, we'll share the venue so that everybody can. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you keep tuning in every week, you'll learn a little bit more and more about where and when to arrive. It's sort of like an escape room in that way. And I'm not going to give you all the hints at once. But you kind of have to keep coming back and exploring. And then you'll find out how to unlock the safe that tells you where the venue is.
Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. That's the show.
So many mystery boxes. Eiseman, where can we find you?
Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go to the YouTube channel and watch the calculator video we just put up. Don't follow me on Twitter until after you've watched the video. I'll block you. And I will know if you watched or not. Yeah, the calculator video is great.
We're hoping to make a couple more. But I've got to convince somebody to pay for it. So we'll see. $69 of Canadian, though. Not bad.
That's a lot of duct tape.
But anyway, you could find me at the underscore janitor score breeding on the Twitter. But ultimately, just please watch our YouTube videos. I spend too much time doing them.
And your Brain on Crack season four reappears tomorrow. It drops tomorrow. It's different in some ways. It's stupid in all ways.
So good. We're going to start doing this more regularly. So I think that's it.
Maybe I just got anything? Anything? No?
That's it. Thanks again, Sam. It was great. Appreciate it. Yeah, thanks so much, everyone. Yeah, all right.
Goodbye, world. Cool world. I mean, I don't think you can pay Seth Green to come get wrapped up in a body cast. Do you know what I mean?
It's like three seeds. But they only got three of them for two seeds. I just thought it was a really weird.
He's still here. But he's instead of just killing or something.
I feel like this is only a couple of years after Can't Hardly Wait. Right, right. Yes, Seth Green took 9-11 really hard. But I feel like, to me, it felt like there's a lot of stuff, even like the Eugene Levy, Eugene Levy. Sorry, whichever one, that cameo. It just felt like, oh, these are people that like each other. These big names want to be in this movie. So I feel like, I don't know, Seth Green just came by and he's like, yeah, I'll do whatever.
I can come back for the end. You could just wrap me in duct tape and I won't even make a return.
I did, I just saw Bullet Train and it was fine. It was whatever. I enjoyed it, but I didn't think it was like the best movie I've ever seen.
But they do a lot of cameos throughout, like every character that appears that they've been alluding to the whole time shows up. And you're like, ow, it's like the famous person.
That's cool. And I do think it did give off that vibe of a movie where everybody was just having fun making it. Yeah. And I do think that helps a lot.
Wouldn't you love to be Carson Daly who is now kind of a pop culture, but of a joke, but at the time, like who wasn't running home to watch TRL? Like it was like the biggest, I mean, okay, Mr. I'm sure you were the predator, okay? Jordan would have loved it. Some of us went home and watched TRL. Jordan would have loved it, cops would have been predators.
But like, I think I can imagine being somebody who was as busy and as famous as Carson Daly and somebody being like, would you like to play yourself in a movie except it's not really yourself. You're kind of an idiot and it'll be fun. And like being like, of course I wanna do that. I do nothing but talk to Frankie Muniz all the time now. Like what I wanna do is like do a stupid fun movie where I like play myself and make fun of myself and say it's more like Total Request dead.
Like, huh, it was fun. You know, in a way there could be no, this is the end without Josie and the pussy. And I did love that movie. I thought that movie was really fun. Yeah, I liked that one a lot. I was very surprised by this. Well, I didn't love the last third as much, but it was very, very fun.
I was just gonna say, Tara Reid and him were dating at this time too. I don't know if you saw like all the jokes of like, she's like, I'd never date you or whatever. And that was just like part of the joke. And then she grabs Matt Damon cut out. And so I was like, Tara Reid and Matt Damon, like, I didn't know if that was also a joke.
I didn't have TV. I don't know if you guys... That's cool. Has that made you normal?
Oh my God, wait, holy crap. I just, Bullet Train is kind of like lucky number 11. That's what we're watching after Demolition Man. Oh, I thought you were gonna say instead of, and I thought you were about to have that. No, no, no, I'm not gonna do, that's something that is a bidding war. Cross continental bidding war? Holy crap.
I had a TV. I didn't have TV. I didn't have cable.
Shut up, Brian. Okay, here are my, I already did my titles. Here are the titles of the masses.
She's all that jazz. Okay, now you know, I like that one. My favorite movie. Showgirls 2. It's okay, 3 actually. That's true.
Rest in peace, Elizabeth Barkley, or what was her name? What's the actress's name? Or is that a different, I'm thinking two different actresses. Two girls, one cup. Who remembers? We're thinking about Lisa, Left Eye Lopez. No, the Brittany Murphy is who I'm thinking of.
She's not a showgirl. Oh, no, she's not. She's not, but what a talent.
Scooby Doo with music too. Honey. I like this because it was sort of written like an old English folk ballad. Riverdale Origins. It actually is true. It's great.
Josie gets a shrink ray gun. Does that happen? Does that make Janie get a gun? No. Maybe that's not even a title. Maybe that was a wish.
Josie and the premature satire. Josie gets pretty much. My satire came prematurely.
Now, Seth Green and Tara Reid didn't date. Tara Reid and Carson Daly dated. I mean, I guess you could have dated Seth Green. I'll date Seth Green, of course.
All right. Who cares? We're way, we're a little over.
So I'm just going to, we're going to wrap it up. We're going to be done. We're going to wrap up.
We got to go jam. I got a hot date. All right, so we're live streaming every Thursday at four. You haven't picked up on it by now. And next week is apparently Demolition Man. So we're going to do that.
Well, hope we can find it to watch it. So subscribe to us on YouTube mostly, but we also do an audio version on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, everywhere like that. I'll put a link somewhere where you can request other movies from us. But it really does help if you give us money first, I will say.
And yeah, so Sam, thanks so much for coming on. Where can we find you? What are you doing? Sam, it's awesome. Thank you. Thanks, it was so much fun.
Where, what's your Twitter handle or where can people find you? So I'm on Twitter and Instagram at Samly Matters, S-A-M-L-Y Matters.
And yeah, you can follow me on there and watch Josie and the Pussycats join the army. The Navy, Sam, the Navy. No, no, no, it's different.
Great, Ally, where can we find you? You can find me at Ms. Alice Nutting.
I usually spell it, but now I realize it's right there. I don't need to spell it. So, you know, do that. Oh, there's a podcast version too, but. Okay, so if you're not reading it, it's at M-S-A-L-I-C-E-N-U-T-T-I-N-G. That's how you spell it.
You're welcome, whoever. You're so welcome. Welcome.
Great, are you doing any things? Sometimes you talk about other stuff. Am I doing any other things? I don't think so. I am kind of locking down in the house a lot nowadays to be in town.
Oh, cause you're getting married, that's something. I am getting married like soon. Can podcast fans get into the wedding? Yeah, if you give over $69 of Canadian money, you can come to the wedding.
I really don't want to get COVID, you know how it goes. It's just like fun to be alive right now.
Yep. Just next week, we'll share the venue so that everybody- Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you keep tuning in every week, you'll learn a little bit more and more about where and when to arrive. It's sort of like an escape room in that way and that I'm not gonna give you all the hints at once, but you kind of have to like keep coming back and exploring and then you'll find out how to unlock the safe that tells you where the venue is. Oh yeah, hell yeah. That's the show.
So many mystery boxes. Eiseman, where can we find you?
Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go to the YouTube channel and watch the calculator video we just put up. Don't follow me on Twitter until after you've watched the video. I'll block you. And I will know if you watched or not.
Yeah, the calculator video is great. We're hoping to make a couple more, but I gotta convince somebody to pay for it. So we'll see. $69 of Canadian though. Not bad.
That's a lot of duct tape.
But anyway, you could find me at the underscore janitor score breeding on the Twitter, but ultimately just please watch our YouTube videos. I spend too much time doing them and your Brain on Crack season four reappears tomorrow. It drops tomorrow. It's different in some ways.
It's stupid in all ways. No good.
You know, we're gonna start doing this more regularly. So I think that's it.
Anybody else got anything? Anything? No?
Okay. That's it. Thanks again, Sam. This is great. Appreciate it. Yeah, thank you so much everyone. Yeah, all right.
Goodbye world. Cool world. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_best_picture | Sometimes, video games based on movies can be disappointing. So we thought, let's play video games based on the best movies. Today we are playing games based on movies that won the Best Picture Academy Award.
I'm Jeff Rubin, and today we are joined by Tim, Darren, and Sam from The Whitest Kids You Know, and Pat Casas. I have not forgotten him, nor the loss that you have suffered. Now, who do you play? Are you Al Pacino?
You're like a side character who's joining the Corleone family, you're not Al Pacino, you're not Diane Keaton, or anything. Because the Corleone family was the least interesting part of the Godfather show. Unlike Grand Theft Auto, I don't feel guilty about killing the cops in this because they're all corrupt.
No, but they also have names, so now you know that you beat up Don't All Bagley. They're all Irish. There's a name associated to your murder, like it's not cool. I believe in this sequel, they gave you the name of all those children.
I want to see Marlon Brando, like the Don Corleone scene, where like this person's telling me, we got a problem, one of us soldiers, he's just beating up Brandon people for the last 20 minutes. Doesn't he know his mission? His objectives? He clearly pointed out his objective on the map, and he just keeps hitting the button. Someone tell him to go press select.
I wonder if there's just this kid who's the laziest kid in the world, and they're like, did you read The Godfather? He's like, nah, I was going to watch the movie, but then I just played the video game and said, I think I got the juice from him. Oh good, we'll check that out for very points. That was me last night, I was up to the floor, yeah. Like, it's so funny, all this footage is like, even though it's like a really serious story, it's like indistinguishable from like Russian attack or any like generic, like NES Wari. This game is extraordinarily hard. I'm sorry, Pat, I didn't realize Vietnam was easy. I thought they just dropped you down there and you picked up one-up mushrooms everywhere.
Pat, see if you can get your morale meter up. It's always low. Where the heck is his platoon? Yeah, it seems misnamed. Does anyone notice the contradiction there?
I also had no idea that Vietnam was fought, entirely fought in a topiary maze. Well, they saw the shining. That'd be a great idea for a war.
One nice thing about this game is obviously you can play as Rocky and work your way up to the title belt, or we can play the story of Clubber Lang. I think we gotta try. The Rocky spin-off that should have been. I'm sad to report this is not fun. Maybe Mr. Team beating up a fat guy would be fun. This seems like the perfect game on paper. I feel like I'm watching. This is the first level to GoldenEye. So I heard that for this fight, that the same moves you know as Balrog from Street Fighter 2. The boxing is by far the least interesting aspect of this game. Yeah, this is like fan fiction.
Guys, what have we learned today? What's the deal? Best picture? It doesn't matter how good the movie is, the game will probably still blow. |
SaturdayNightLive | just_a_nickel_snl | I gave my grandson five dollars yesterday. for what? I can't remember. probably to go to the pictures. you know in my day what it cost to go to the pictures? Do you know what? what? do you know what? What? you know? what? a nickel. Five cents to go to the pictures. Well, these kids don't know anything about the money. everything's so expensive now. I bought a Coca-cola last week. What? You know what it costs? What? You know what it costs? What? it costs 60 cents. No! 60 cents.
Coca-cola! Unbelievable!
A nickel. a Hershey bar is a nickel. when you were coming up? huh? what? huh? when you were coming up, a Hershey bar? was it nickel? Yeah. that's right. a nickel. I remember when I was a young man, you would buy a suit. Mm-hmm. no, it would cost? a nickel. a good suit costs a nickel. not a cheap suit. not a No. a good suit.
My grandparents, my granddaughter takes piano lessons. Mm. they cost $20 a piece. in my day, with $20, you know what you could buy? what? anything you wanted. you know how much piano lessons caught us when I was young? a nickel? No. the piano cost a nickel. Oh! who knew from lessons? Oh, you know, Sophie and I had a big piano in our house. we bought the house in 1922.
Yeah? yeah, we built it. we scraped. we saved the house. it cost a nickel. And we thought it was expensive. where did we know? we made a nickel. we thought it would go on. a nickel. a nickel for our house? I don't believe it. a good house. a good? a house for dogs. I bought a house once. at four bedrooms. a garage. a garage. with two beautiful Ford automobiles.
You know what it cost? What? A nickel. No. Five dollars. it cost five dollars? No, I gave my grandson five dollars.
But now I remember what for? five. I said I remember what for? What? I remember what for? What? what for?
You brought a calculator. it was the size of a credit card and it cost five dollars. I remember the same thing with the size of a show box. It cost fifty dollars. Ah. fifty dollars. I remember when it was the size of a stone. it cost three hundred dollars. size of a what? stove. I read the card wrong. You ever notice I look like Al Franken in fifty years? Speed it up. the show is going all the way down. it's over. kids these days I don't know about them. everything's over. it's so expensive. wait a minute. if we keep talking, it will mess up everything. it's over. it's over. |
dropout | don_t_pay_your_student_loans | Fuck. Ah, my fucking student loans. Don't pay your student loans.
Wha? What?
Don't pay your student loans. Do something fun with the money instead. I have to pay my student loans.
Why? What's really going to happen if you don't?
It'll hurt my credit score for one. Who gives a fuck about credit scores? No one cool has ever cared about their FICO number. Can you imagine Sid Vicious or Maya Angelou trying to get their credit above 720?
Well, go to the Bellagio. Buy some Molly.
Don't pay your student loans. What? Student loans are extortion. People have to go to college and the only way for a lot of them to do it is by borrowing money. The student loan industry has a market of people with a gun to their head. Screw their business.
What about my credit score? Who gives a fuck about credit scores? There's so much bad debt in this country that in 10 years if people are only selling to buyers with perfect credit, they're going to be selling to ghosts and memories.
Take that money and pay someone to blow you. No, what about personal responsibility? What would my grandpa think? Don't pay your student loans. Grandpa, you don't want to talk about personal responsibility, boyo.
In 1976, the student loan industry lobbied Congress to make their debt non-dischargeable in bankruptcy. Took away the one weapon at a consumer's arsenal. Happened at a President Ford. Goddamn Episcopalians. Doesn't the bank need the money?
God damn it. I'm not even going to dignify that by the response. Motherfucker. Are you kidding me? I'll handle this. Who are you?
I'm J.P. Morgan. The bank is just fine. In fact, since the repeal of Glass-Steagall, interest doesn't make up half of our revenue.
What's that mean? Interest. It's how we make money off loans. That's basic stuff. Why don't you know that?
I studied acting. You took out loans to study acting? I was following my dreams.
This is a terrible century. Guys, think about the sense of accomplishment I'll get once I finally pay them off. Student loans. Don't pay your student loans.
Who are you? I'm your unborn son. See, even though you and your future wife decide you want kids, you realize you aren't financially stable enough to have them. So I hope that feeling of accomplishment is as good as teaching me how to share and make pancakes. Oh. What do I marry?
The hooker he talks you into seeing later. Dude, punk rock. She has a heart of gold.
Guys, what if the bank seizes my assets? Don't pay your student loans.
Who are you? Wait a minute, what?
I'm a used mattress you bought from Craigslist. Oh, he's stained and he smells like someone else's cigarettes. I'm literally the nicest thing you own. Am I the asset you're so worried about?
Let's go buy some pussy. Finance is the...
Oh, my heart is breaking. I can't.
I'm taking the last of my church. Enough! Look, what we're really saying is if you pay your student loans, you're a coward.
Oh, hey. That's great. You and me. Fine. You guys are right.
Paying back student loans is for cowards and suckers, and I'm neither one. I'm not going to do it.
I'm going to tell them right... Fuck. Now how are you going to buy pussy? Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.
Thank you for watching. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here to watch another video, and click here if you want to see what it looked like without a shirt on. Ah, weird that it's the same, isn't it? |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_venture_capitalist_in_2024 | I stand in the elevator, you know, looking at my phone as usual, listening to Slay, Taylor Swift, TikTok videos, and I wear a t-shirt saying, Stanford and OpenAI. You have one minute to give me your money. Go. How did I get here? Let me tell you my story.
After many years of hard labor and a startup, I decided to go all in and invest in crypto. So in 2021, through various Ponzi schemes, I made so much money, I could buy the entire Balenciaga catalog. But I wanted to do something good with my money, give it to tech companies, and I made so much money, I could buy the entire Balenciaga catalog. I wanted to do something good with my money, give it to tech companies, and I wanted to do something good with my money, give it to tech founders with a vision, so that I can make more money.
There was only one problem. I didn't know anything about the tech business, so I decided to do what everybody does. Start a podcast to learn from the best. You were previously with the startup Photo, which failed. Hypno failed.
At what point did you look yourself in the mirror and thought, without selling NFTs? And I did it. I ended up interviewing the bestest founders. And I also made it on a Forbes list by buying an NFT. But there's way more I learned about the secrets of technology, like what is AI, who has the metaverse, and who is killing the alphabet. And I'm here to bring it to you all, right after this round of Fortnite.
The first step to make it in the tech business is to understand investment. But I could not arrange meetings with big names like hedge fund manager Warren Buffett, startup investor Peter Thieltsen, or basketball coach Marcus Cuban. I had to start small, like Mario, in Super Mario, so I meet with Alex Men, VC at Micro Fund Begin Capital, to learn more about how investors think. VC stands for Venture Capitalism, a form of private equity financing that is provided to early stage companies that have been deemed to have high growth potential. As an AI language model, I don't have the capa... Alex, what is a GP? It's a general partner of a VC fund.
What is an LP? LP? Investors. Limited partners.
What is the difference between an LP and an EP? EP? What is EP? Extended Play Album.
Can we bring in a screenshot of the company website? Okay. Many people say VCs are overly profit oriented and have a lack of social morals. I think this is a bad generalization, but for scientific purposes, can we do a quick ethics test?
You know, Elon has this negative vision that AI will become dangerous to humans. If that would happen, when do you think will AI surpass and rule over humans? And what stocks to get to make the most of the situation then? Oh, I really hope that it wouldn't happen because I hope that humanity will control AI and use it as a very, very productive tool. But do you think if I buy Google stock then AI might punish me? Why? I probably will also have an AI.
But you know, because of all the ridiculous products that Google was producing. I do believe that there will be like much more people further in a row to be punished than you. They start with Google executives and stuff like that.
Hope not. You hope not.
Is this for the ethics test? No, this is just personal notes.
Let's talk about inexperienced founders. For example, Gen Z founders who grew up in the internet have some very original but sometimes bold ideas. I understand that not every investor invests in inexperienced founders, but bold original ideas is exactly what VCs are looking for. And we all know the line between insanity and genius is measured by the number of TikTok followers. So my question is, what would you do to appeal to a Gen Z founder?
What is sort of your approach? Sign up for a depression course, smoke a jewel, wear white Reebok sneakers, listen to Leonardo Del Rey. What is sort of your method to appeal to young talent? Interesting ideas, but we don't treat like young talent as like any other else talent.
Let's say we're in a WeWork. I have chai latte with oat milk and you have strawberry cheesecake. I stand in the elevator looking at my phone as usual, listening to slay Taylor Swift TikTok videos. What's your name?
Are you a founder? Yes, of course I am a founder. I am currently working on a company in Web3.
Probably after Web3 I will say, hey, nice to meet you. You would say nice to meet you.
And then goodbye. Do you want my rosemary cheesecake? So you don't want to hear the pitch in the elevator? No. Because I am Gen Z or... No, because like if you're a good founder, I'll schedule a meeting with you later. So you don't do elevator pitches. Let's talk about business again.
The moon landing mission led to the invention of many components that make up the modern iPhone. The iPhone led to increased internet accessibility and increased internet accessibility led to the most important innovations of all, NFTs.
So my question is... It's interesting that you believe that NFT is the best possible innovation. Well, it's not just me, it's all of Twitter believes that. Yeah? So you don't believe in NFTs? No. Because I am Gen Z or years ago people without goals wanted to be bankers and lawyers. Now suddenly everyone cares about innovation and has their own podcast. Why that change?
Intra capital was like always there. It's a way of like private investments. So investments are quite an interesting job. You can be a part of a lot of super exciting products, work with like very interesting people, learn from them. I learned a lot from investors on Twitter and I can recommend others to do so too. For example, Gail Wilkinson a partner at Vitalize VC recently wrote this in a tweet.
I tried acupuncture for the first time last week. Has anyone had really good outcomes trying to understand how many sessions this might take to address stagnant energy? And it's great because you can directly reply to the tweet. So I went ahead and replied with my list of best acupuncture specialists. Next time I look on my phone I have a $5 million term sheet.
It doesn't work that way. Can I tell you about a startup from a friend and learn from your valuable feedback? Of course. Okay. What do people want most in life? Who have? What? No. Control.
Have you heard of quinoa coin? No. You know it sounds interesting because of the words quinoa and coin. You know coin signifying easy money and quinoa stands for quinoa. Would you be interested in investing in my new project quinoa coin? Let me tell you what you get first. 5% shares at a $2 million quinoa coin valuation for $2 million.
I need to learn a little bit more about the project. Right. We can do due diligence later but on first sight does it sound interesting? So you know.
It's always about the money isn't it? It's not always about the money but our job is to deliver good returns for our investors.
Alex unfortunately didn't have too much experience pitching to Gen Z founders and also he didn't like my idea too much so I had to pass on him. But I've appreciated the chat and I will cheer for his career from the sidelines. Thank you Alex Men and consider investing in quinoa coin.
This podcast is not sponsored by Unistoten.campaign, theinteraxis.com. A movement to support the Wet'suwet'en tribe and stop the building of pipelines by coastal gasoline. With your Canadian fiat dollars click here to become a Unistoten Camp monthly donor on actionnetwork.org. |
cracked | avatar_2_for_20_deleted_scenes_bloopers | Man, if you were an Instagram influencer, this would be just perfect for you. I still can be. Is that piss? No, mate.
It's just a life force of Pandora. It leaves a lot to be desired in terms of flavour, but that's that true farm-to-table experience that everybody craves on Pandora.
Oh no, no, no! No! I thought it was boy.
Outcasts. That's all they see. I want to leave my home planet. I hate my parents. Let's go grab some pizza. And then I'll emotionally disappoint you and you break up with me and then I blame it all on you and a song. Outcasts. That's all they see. They all hate me.
How was that? Was that kind of cool? I'm putting that on my next album.
I love the smell of dead whales in the morning. Don't tell your mother, but... I love you guys. In fact, the baby whales are actually harder to get.
They got thicker skin. It's not spread out quite as much over the surface area. So when we go in there and we're killing all the babies, we think to ourselves, how can I penetrate this baby the easiest? And that's how we do it. You've got to get up underneath them. I want to penetrate. I don't need that. They weren't joking that your emotions are so much deeper than mine. I want the tortillas to be thrown more violently at me.
Was that good for you? I blew. Did you?
You are good at music. You are good at philosophy. You are so good at tossing my salad.
They don't believe you. They say, hey, you never fucked a whale. And I look them dead in the eyes and I say, I fucked four whales.
In one day. And that was on a Tuesday. Imagine what I'd do in a weekend.
What does it sound like? It's a heart attack. Oh no. Hey wha! It's a heartburn.
Upset stomach? Diarrhea? Diarrhea!
I see you. You know, back when I was working on Titanic, back in 99, a lot of this technology didn't exist.
But, you know, now, and especially with Avatar 1, we put on the 3D glasses and we see what's really possible with stereoscopic 3D capture. Well, Avatar 2, what we wanted to do was really take that and make it much more immersive. And so, you know, by allowing the audiences to put on multiple pairs of 3D glasses, we can actually put them into the sixth dimension.
You ever ridden a dolphin nude?
I'm about to open Pandora's box of emotions. Hello Smurfs. Welcome to my Pandora box.
Oh wow. To be or not Navee. That is the question. Give it a kiss.
Bro. I fucked everyone else. I've been running out of boxes.
We're going to live here for the next 15 years. We'll have half a movie shot by then. We'll cost $4 trillion. We're going to tank the economy of Greece just making this fucking movie. If you live here, you have to ride.
Perfect. Alright, let's kick it off and take it out. Damn. Damn it. This right here, we suck it right here in the didgeridoos. Right for the things. Wow.
The liquid that allows you to live forever, the whale piss. It's actually real. It's a practical effect. And so every morning I start my day and I chug about two bottles of whale pee. And it's thawed up really well by a sort of chia seed smoothie.
I think everybody should live forever. And that's what Avatar is really about. This family is our fortress. Wherever we go.
I know you think I'm crazy. I just know it.
I'm fucking shit. The wane of water. Why do you come here? Yes, it sounded like one of the whales makes right before it draws its last breath. Oh, where's my Navi? Need one of them riding on me. I need more spirit, sister. Right before I fister.
Some people say that the movie is an allegory for colonization. And I say the only thing I want to colonize is that blue booty baby.
Wait, what? There it is. What a water, people.
It was a Thursday night. I was out killing whales. And I come back in. And I thought I heard something in me flat. So I walked up there. And I thought to myself, eh, that's kind of odd. They're doing slightly a job. So I walk in there. And what do I see? It's a fucking tulook. I couldn't believe my eyes.
So I wrestled him to the ground. I said, get the fuck out of my house. And he just said, oooh. Which, of course, in whale means I'm a mathematician. Don't hurt me. I've got a family. And I said, I don't care. You broke into my flat, mate. And I took him. And I beat him right down to the ground.
And I said, I'm going to take your little brain juice. And I'm going to sell it for about $80 a pop on the black market.
And you know what he said to me? He said, oooh. Which, of course, in tulook, as the Navi will tell you, it means, please, please.
I didn't mean to come in here. This was an accident. And I said, guess what, mate? You messed with the wrong bloke. So I karate chopped him right in the fucking gills. And you know what? He died right there on my floor. But I kept going. I can't get the fuck out of my flat, mate. You messed with the wrong fucking Australian.
I'm a real Nazi legend. This thing is my retirement insurance, mate. And him and his family, they're going to be helping me and my family for the minutes to come. |
dropout | side_project | Hey guys, we teamed up with adaptive studios to make a really weird mockumentary about six musicians trying to make it big It's called downbeat. Here's an episode.
We hope you like it when I Linked up with these guys. It was like Like this instant lifelong connection They're like the family that I never had Mama bear, you know, what's on my mind? I've been coming around these woods for a long long time Does Jared know this band is just your side project? I Mean, I feel like it's implied. I don't think I have to formally tell him You're not gonna tell him are you Trevor and I are probably like the closest of anybody in the band. Like we're probably the tightest of People say that we even look alike people say that about YouTube like we have the same bone Structure jaw, you have similar chins.
Yeah. Yeah, they're a little similar It's like I like probably like go home with his girlfriend and she wouldn't even know or Just I'm joking. Yeah Replacing a string. Yeah at showtime.
I turn into this more confident front man Band leader guy. I think it's part of the show and I think it's what people are coming to see So I want to deliver on that but it's a defensive mechanism. I think primarily And I'm a man baby and you got pause but that don't bother me because I gotta get in the cave They wasn't a touring band for three years then our singer quit to go to nursing school Asshole But it's cool cuz now I'm involved in three really exciting groups that I'm even more passionate about What are the two others? Oh Three besides this we responded to an ad that said free rehearsal space, but we didn't Note meant with him and his music kind of weird But he's a nice enough guy and it's fun to jam and he pays us right hundred dollars to jam 200 for in public Wow. Yeah, I think his mom invented Splenda or something or wait Maybe it was activity. Yeah, do we know all these our bass player Trish and our drum player Maybe we don't have any songs with a drum machine That's good And then maybe I just take one just me these are gonna be my Ruby slippers, you know Except they're not gonna take me home. They're gonna take me Are you gonna wear for the show tonight Uh No, I find that sometimes I get a little overly confident and It could be argued that that gets in the way who argues that that gets in the way Um, it's a band Trisha Margot are like sisters and You know, I did not ever get along with my siblings so to have them you know, like believe in me and like the music it's just like Just means a lot Trisha and I are in a band together. Yeah, it's sort of like a shoegaze dream pop sound a little bit of doom metal mixed in Wait, no, no doom metal is that yeah, that's our other band with Trevor super exciting You see That I'm the one that you should let me up your tree Check it out haha, all made possible by Ian here the He doesn't even know this yet the official Jared low and the low tops merch coordinator.
What's up?
Congrats, man. I basically like the go-to merch guy for like all the bands in our scene I still have access to my college print lab. So Business is good. We needed you and you needed us obviously and and we just found each other like this. It's Feels like fate.
Yeah Yeah, I guess so Have we sold any so have we sold anything? No Okay I've been working on any song.
I hear it. Yeah Do you when you wake up in the morning? Do you see my face?
I've been sitting here watching you dream all night.
We've recorded three albums We've sold copies of two of those albums. We're looking forward though I think that the new album is really where we're gonna start seeing some revenue and you know Those others are stepping stones and every band has those, you know, yeah We actually have another band altogether same kind of sound but with Ian on vocals So wait, so do you think that Jared would be upset if he knew that you all had other projects that he isn't a part of I? Mean that's just music. I mean, we're all semi-professionals here.
I don't think Jared would cry if he knew he wasn't our main thing I could see like a baby. Look we can't assume anything.
We don't know what his life is like Does anyone know how old he is? Seriously, God, I mean he could be 23 or 43. It's driving me crazy I know how old is how old is you knew this old diamond?
You're just watching me suffer. I don't think he wants people to Please why would you bring it up over or under? Can we guess? Yeah, sure 17 She's doing it And these are the low-tops My best friends look I know this isn't their main thing and I pick up on little things like that But I'm planning something that I think we'll get everyone really just about the band Back your bags pick your face the tour Dude talking about the tour.
Yeah, I'm tight. Yes. It was a surprise. I wanted to tell them. Oh my god. I'm so sorry seriously Oh |
cracked | the_insane_future_of_the_jurassic_park_franchise_cracked_writer_s_room | So we still need to come up with sketches that are timely. I don't know about anything other than movies. I don't know about...
Fiscal Cliffs. What she's doing is that clawing.
Boom. Jurassic Park 4. There we go. He got it. I can't wait for Little Aliens. T-Rex arms.
They're scheduled to start shooting it in 2014. No script yet. No director yet.
But don't worry. Jurassic Park movie is coming in two years. Did you guys see online the direction they didn't go in? Because they were originally going to have some kind of mutant shenanigans going on because they have... The human and the dinosaur. Art of dino humans on internet.
There's like pencil drawings of a guy who has claw hands but also pants. Half dinosaur half man and the man half they chose was shame. He has to put pants on. I don't know if he put them on himself though because he literally has claw hands. Yeah he could.
So maybe a scientist... Science is...
He's not like a nice pair of slacks. Here's where it's Hulk style. Because it's not even like a human penis or a dinosaur penis.
We don't know.
That's the purpose of the poem. That it's like a scaly human. It's their way of keeping the dinosaurs in check. A dino in pants, it stops them from getting too out of line.
Here's the advice my father gave me. About shame.
If you're a giant dinosaur man with your dick out. People will put pants on for you. Plus now they can have the reverse scene of Jurassic Park 1. Where dino man has to awkwardly go to the bathroom and take his claws.
And a lawyer comes and likes him. A giant lawyer eats him. He likes that. He likes that as dino dick. Yeah. Law finds him. He likes him being over the horizon.
I love that the society says that the only problem with dinosaurs is that they're just so like proud of their dicks. We need to cross breed them with me. What's weird about Jurassic Park now is if there ever really is one in the real world, they'll have to be like, it's not like Jurassic Park. We've all seen Jurassic Park. Please trust us. We've seen the second one too, we don't have two islands, it's just one place. I would only go to a Jurassic Park park if there were station guards at every single pen, systematically shooting dinosaurs for no reason. Just let them know, we have 24 dinosaurs, we're going to kill them in a week.
Come check it out. Cool! Right? Oh my god! You want to put asses in seats? Hey there. What's that? Oh this.
Just an old relic from my childhood. You know, the old days. Hey listen, if you subscribe, you and I can have a catch together. Go deep. You know what, let's just do a hand off. Good times. |
TheOnion | Dredged_Stereo_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | You want to tell us what you have here? Yeah, I got a stereo.
I dredged it in the pond. Mm-hmm. Must have been a pretty shallow dredge, huh? Oh yeah, you know, like, it was in the pond, so that's why there's all this mud on it, you know. Not a lot of water damage. Startlingly little sedimentary layering here.
Yeah, you know, it's a good stereo. Pneumatic dredge? What? You using a pneumatic dredger? Oh yeah, man, you know, pneumatic all the way, you know. That's the way you think, like 75, 100?
You dredged this near the orange diving board? Yeah, yeah, there was a diving board there, yeah. There is no diving board at the lake.
Yeah, okay, yeah, but you just said there was one, you know, so I'm just... You want to know what I think? I don't know.
What I think you did here is I think you stole this stereo, then you threw a little mud on it to make it look like it came from the lake. No, man. Look, I'm not going to call the police, but I am going to give you one last chance. Tell me where you got this stereo. From the pond, man. I think you should go. Oh, come on, man. Please go before I get angry. I don't dredge unless I already know what's coming up the hose. Some people call it a sick scent. I just tell them I know the lake.
Six sexy Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This sex house. Welcome to Sex House. |
SaturdayNightLive | rock_bottom_kings_snl | The thrill of victory, the satisfaction of placing a bet and watching it hit big, the exhilaration of an upset only you saw color with betting apps right on your phone. It's easier than ever to turn your passion for sports in a cold hard cash. and with so many games to bet on, you almost can't lose, But there's a dark side as well. We all know a friend who struggles with online gambling, a friend who's on the verge of losing everything, his house, his family his entire life, and now you can bet on exactly how he'll lose it all. Kings. It's the only app that lets you take prop bets about how your degenerate gambler friend. he's finally gonna hit. Rock Bottom goes double another than on a random W Nba game or that's his child's college fund on the coin toss. And when your friend is desperate for cash, you can bet on what his lowest moments will be. Will he take out a life insurance policy on his own mother? Will he set up a fake Go fund me that says he has leukemia and what will he sell First, his Ps5 or his kidney? You can build a parlay about everything that could happen to divorce Mary's rich old widow, arrested for elder fraud and fakes his own death, but is immediately caught when he uses an app to gamble with Rock Bottom Kings, You'll feel like you're in the game, the game of your friend versus his horrible demons. But again, addiction is a real problem, and we take it very seriously. That's why all these gambling ads are full Of cash, gold, fireworks, and frames exploding everywhere. Because you're not a loser your friend is. They say the house always wins. Well, now you're the house and your friend is probably gonna lose his. Does it seem a little cruel to bet on your friend's devastating addiction?
Sure. But it's also hilarious.
So, however, your friend bottoms out, make sure you cash out at Rock Bottom Kings. Download Rock Bottom Kings today Because gambling is serious. Seriously awesome Rock Bottom Kings. he's the one with the problem You. |
SaturdayNightLive | tom_brady_janet_snl | Anything else, son? no, thanks. I gotta work tomorrow. Hey, are you Tom Brady? yeah. oh, man, yo, I'm glad my girl's not here. like, you're like her. One exception. stop, stop, stop. Ok. Oh, shut your mouth!
Tom Brady at Ruby Toothdays? Hey. hey, hey, hey. hey, it's me. it's Johnny Peckinpore. I'm just kidding. you don't know me. what are you doing here? are you doing the Super Bowl tomorrow? I couldn't sleep. I'm a little nervous before the big game. Oh, this is crazy. I'm a lucky gal. Tom, look, this is a special night.
So, I'm just gonna put it all out there. I'm 46 years young. I'm 5'5", this way, this way, and this way. I'm basically a flesh cube.
And, uh, I know that there's a little forward, but, uh, why don't you throw one in me? I'm sorry. throw one in you? Yeah, come on. just throw one in me, Ok? you're a quarterback, ok?
Oh, I get it. you're nervous. hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, bartender. bartender, hey, hey, hey. Yes, you're right. give me two shots of everything. you know what? Look, you seem like a lot of fun, but, look, I'm married. Oh, that's right to that model.
I can't compare there. I look like every bank teller in the world just squished together. No, stop. look, you're very pretty. Oh, please. you'd hit me with a truck if it wasn't illegal. I would never do that.
Oh, Tommy, that's so kind. look at you. come on, Tommy. take a chance. throw one in me. you know, that's a nice offer, but I just. Oh, come on. who am I gonna tell, my cat? Captain Corn Dog. Don't care. all he wants is five square meals and a good night's sleep between these boobs. he's a charmer, that one. you know what, Janet? One minute ago, I was ready to walk out of here and make love to my supermodel wife. My move? and get some rest before the Super Bowl.
But now, I'm listening. Ooh. I wasn't expecting that. Let's see. what else could I tell you? I got two elbows in this arm and only one in the other one. uh, let's see. I'm an amateur inventor. I came up with this thing where I cut up a bunch of sham wows into weird shapes and call them sham-whaaats. are you still with me? Ooh. uh, and let's see. I once swallowed an open safety pin but pooped out a clothes one. that was weird. um. yeah, you know what? I think I'm in. I'm in. you're in? mm-hmm. oh, god. Oh, boy, I wasn't expecting that. this feels wrong.
I'm knocking the room in another perfectly good marriage, not after what I did to Russell Brand and Katy Perry. let's just be friends, okay? You want to just get up on the bar and just dance like idiots? I'll take what I can get. Oh, come on. if you're funeral, let's do this. All right. I think I'm gonna need a little help, Tommy. hey, your phone's up here. Oh, all right. let's do this. I haven't been up this high in a while. Yeah, there you go, Danny. you're a little dizzy, Tom.
Oh, good night. I had a great time that night, and I made a new friend in Tom Brady. the next day, the Patriots lost a Super Bowl by 68 points. you're welcome, New York. Go Giants! |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Ambitious_Outsiders | Today we'll be talking about documentaries about ambitious outsiders, specifically the kind of people who are on a quest to do something creative and sometimes get there and sometimes not. The first person we want to talk about is Mark Borchardt, who is the center of Chris Smith's 1999 documentary American Movie. It's a movie about a guy trying really hard to make a movie. I'll fucking get this down, man, and I think with these last four shots, we might have this fucker in the can. His friend Mike Shank is a big part of the movie. That was wicked, man. And they essentially sort of gather amateur actors and shoot a 16mm black and white film. And there's a great scene of Borchardt attempting to put his co-star's head through a kitchen cupboard. I think a lot of the criticism of American Movie when it first came out is that it was kind of making fun of these rubes who were never going to get anywhere. Yeah, Borchardt has a pretty good eye. And a lot of the silly things that happen in the movie are not that uncommon to student projects.
You guys got to look menacing. Can you be more menacing?
The thing that I find interesting about the movie that sort of complicates it, too, is he's trying to make this movie, but he also has a kid and a divorce and bills that he has to pay. But at the core of every minute of his thinking is, I want to make this movie.
Do you see? I mean, do you get it? Yeah. Okay.
So, Keith, you're going to talk about ambitious outsider movies having to do with Grizzlies. One is Project Grizzly. It's a 1997 documentary about a Canadian named Troy Hurtweese who is a little vague about it, but he was either attacked by a bear or somehow encountered a bear or was scared by a bear. Anyway, he becomes kind of obsessed with bears. In that the bear didn't kill me, I've been on this trail ever since. He builds a succession of different suits of armor in the name of bear research.
You can park a truck on my shoulders, 4,000 pounds, and nothing's going to happen. He does put these suits through extensive tests, including getting hit in the head with a log, getting hit by a speeding car. At one point, he hires bikers to beat him up. He emerges from the suit intact. What are the negatives of this suit? He can't really move very well.
And then there's Timothy Treadwell. I'm here with one of my favorite bears. It's Mr. Chocolate. He's the subject of Werner Herzog's 2005 documentary, Grizzly Man. Another amateur researcher who started going to Alaska and for 13 summers lived with the bears and for the last few years filmed himself there. I'm out in the prime cot of the big green. Behind me is Ed and Rowdy.
Without giving anything away, he meets a pretty grim fate. Could only the big old bear possibly kill and eat Timothy Treadwell? What do you think, Ollie? Treadwell becomes friends with the foxes. Only Timmy is the boss of all foxes. And he thinks he can become friends with the bears.
Hi, how are you? I love you.
Treadwell adores nature but doesn't really understand it. I think it's sort of safe to say that Project Grizzly is about a guy who is too afraid of bears and Grizzly Man is about a guy who is not afraid enough.
Let's move on to less disturbing territory and talk about Robert Crumb, Scott. Robert Crumb or R. Crumb is an underground cartoonist who was very famous in the late 60s for drawing these very sexually and racially transgressive cartoons. When I was about five or six, I was sexually attracted to Bugs Bunny and I cut out this Bugs Bunny off the cover of a comic book and carried it around with me. Terry Zweigoff's great 1994 documentary, Crumb, takes an intimate look at his life and the way his art both transcended and it was part of his dysfunction too. There's this great scene in the movie where he is drawing these sketches of all of his ex-girlfriends.
This one's your Naomi Wilson with this cross-eyed farm girl that wore homemade clothes to school. I secretly had a crush on her.
The movie really asks that fundamental question about what is really the relationship between a person's life and a person's work. Of those three guys that we're talking about, the person you'd want to hang out with the most is Mark Borchardt because he would probably just want to get drunk and talk about movies, which sounds like a fun thing to do. I interviewed Mark Borchardt once and the first thing he said was, Can the onion buy me a 12 pack? Like, I always started. Oh boy. Yeah, sure. You'd get out here into the cemetery with your beer and your film camera and you were one with the world and equal with the world. For more films about ambitious outsiders, visit avclub.com. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_baron_vaughn | Please put it together, we're Barrymore!
The Klan has a website, guys. The clue comes, the Klan has a website. That would be true. KKK.com. Because they didn't want to be obvious about it. I kind of like that the Klan has a website, because that means there was somebody in the world that was like, Oh, I hate black people so much that I'm going to learn macromedia flash. I'm filled with racist bile, and I have a master's in graphic design.
Which of these twain become one? And what I really like about the website, besides the poetry section, was, on the membership page, there was a phrase that caught my attention. It said, the clue cooks Klan is not an equal opportunity organization. You must meet our requirements 100% to become a member.
And I was like, who doesn't know that? I would like to meet the black guy to keep showing up to the party. What's happening, Klan? I just got out of my talk like it's 1975, Klan. You dig? Sully. Sliding some skin homes, can I? Klan's been under the corner, he's just like, Oh my God, he's here again!
Somebody say something, he is drinking all of the punch. He is eating all of the chocolate covered pretzels, and the chocolate covered raisins, and the chocolate. He doesn't understand those ironic choices of snack at this particular event.
Call the Imperial Grand Webmaster. True story, guys, I read that on Wikipedia. Right after I wrote that on Wikipedia.
I prefer the word black, by the way, in reference to my race. If I know you, by the way, not like a stranger walking on the street. Black. African American, I don't really like, it's too many syllables, you know, if you're walking through the forest, and you don't know me, and you're in quicksand, like, African American, you're going to die. But you're like, black, I'm there with the roof. You're like, thank you black, you're the blackest black in black zone.
And I push you back in, because you went too far. When I've done you, I've done a few things on television, and I've done a couple of commercials and stuff like that, and commercials is all about type. You know, it's all about what you look like, it's not like, oh, you can talk and not vomit at the same time, right this way. It's how you look, you know what I'm saying, and I go off to do a lot of commercials that are like the same type, and that always kind of upsets me, because here's how the world sees me. This is the breakdown that comes out for the commercials I go up for.
We're looking for a sort of a Chris Rocky kind of. Chris Tucker is sort of street-diving sort of. That's talking kind of. Chris Rocky kind of. Kind of Cap Williams is sort of. Chris Tucker is kind of pop-locking, bottom-rocking, all that trip boogaloon shit. Chris Tucker is kind of Chris Rock, sky-diving, Chris Rock fighting an animal with his bare hands. If Chris Rock had an alligator in a headlock, what would he say? Action!
I'm mixed race, multi-ethnic by ratio, I know you can't tell, because I'm a consistent shade. My mom was black, and my father was absent, so I'm like half black, half empty, you know what I'm saying? Half full, I'm an optimist, I'm an optimist like that.
Don't get sad, some of you just got sad. I'm like, why? No, I know why you need to tell jokes. Don't get sad, people shuffle up the buffalo to me after a show, just like, oh my god, Mr. Comedian.
Do you miss your father? And I don't miss what I never had. There's no emotional attachment, no significance. It would be the same to walk up to me and say, do you miss your pterodactyl wings? Do you miss the ability to urinate Kool-Aid legs with crack? Do you miss your self-integrity?
Because... I'd rather have those three things. What's a dad going to do? Play catch? I'd rather fly around making crackheads happy. That sounds like a weekend to me. |
dropout | derrick_s_shouting_homeless_realtor | Y'all here to see the apartment? Well come on in. The old tenant stuff is still in here, but y'all get the picture. Over here is the intercon system. Every visitor that comes to the building has got to buzz up. You know, to keep the grazers out. Over here is the refrigerator. You can fit 10 of this member teenage bodies in here. And right here is the newly installed countertop. Solid wood. You can smell a lot of doo-doo on this.
Are utilities included?
There's a bare shit in the woods. On my hands? No, no, I do. I shit on my hands. There's shit on my hands.
Oh, you guys are going to love this. Over here we have a beautifully done bookcase that's been newly painted.
But y'all can't have it because it's mine. What happened to the previous tenants? Oh, it was very sad. They were murdered by a vagabond who wanted their clothes. Y'all want to see my new clothes? No, I don't think we do. Oh, well, that's too bad.
Y'all should take this place. I just sold a unit upstairs to imaginary couple that lives in my brain. Actually, we'd like to take this place.
That's great. Well, I'm going to need first and last month rent plus a security deposit. Okay. Yeah, man. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_175_Kurt_Fearnley | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show recording here live from downtown Petuta. The show goes on, the games go on, of course Errol Parker editor at large is home sick so you're just left with me Clancy Overall editor of the Petuta Advocate and today's guest I'm actually a big fan of today's guest I've been following him for better part of two decades I'm almost going to say now he's an esteemed Australian athlete he's a good country kid too from the hailing from the central west New South Wales and this is his first time in 20 years he's sitting back and watching the Paralympics which you know he he's watching but you're going to see him on the screens too because he's anchoring the coverage of the Tokyo Paralympics Games thank you for joining us today Kurt Fernley. No problems thanks for the invite.
Now mate what is life like when you kind of you know when the bright lights dim on like what has been for you one of the longest careers in sport we've seen. Mate I was I saw a lot of people go through that transition from athlete back into the life it's a friend told me before I went through it it's like you're getting divorced from a partner you just need to be able to let this thing go and be able to create something different on the outside. Thankfully over the last ten years of racing I found a lot of other stuff that I loved you know I would start my own family in the last few years and then I had an idea of where I wanted to finish I wanted to finish at the Gold Coast I would start representing Australia at Sydney in 2000 I wanted to finish in another home games at the Gold Coast Commonwealth Games it was a hell of a games an amazing moment I got to share the podium with my wife my kids and I just knew I was done so that was really it was a really great place to stop and just knowing that you were done and knowing that you love stuff more than the sport itself. Yeah knowing you had you now had an exit plan like you know you had things on the other side of these games that you were looking towards. For sure and a community that I like I'm a teacher I work a bit abroad I work a bit with employment for people with disabilities I've got a little school overseas that educates kids with disabilities I you know I'd started there was just so much happening on the outside that it was almost like a natural progression it was pretty fortunate because it can be a challenge but for me it worked out pretty nicely. Now you you had a I guess Sydney for a lot of athletes of your vintage and I'm looking at Thorpe on the screens as well on the screen now as well probably a good place to start really because it's just a just a drive away from wherever you are in the country whether that be Olympics Paralympics or whatever else was going on you know in Sydney there was a big push in the sports around that time I remember you know there was a lot a lot of success a lot of gold but also you know you look at the tennis and you look at the we had a Rugby World Cup around that time and you look at all of the kind of stars that came out of that era you know turn of the millennium in Australian sport. That was your first Olympics where were you living at the time did you do was it just to drive across the Blue Mountains? Yeah I moved down a year and a half before the games and I was sleeping on couches and doing whatever I had to do to kind of afford to be able to train the next day so I ended up living out in the back room of a lady's house in Lydcombe. Yeah right. So it was a challenging couple of years when I moved down there from Carkor from the central west I slept on my coach's lounge for a couple of months and then I found a job I was working in a leagues club checking IDs when I was 17 couldn't go inside the club you know I was the worst I was the worst bouncer in the world but it was momentum it was energy like Sydney around that period of time was one of the most exciting times to be in Sydney yeah people talk about those games whether you're in the games competing or or just driving through the streets people speak about how amazing that city was during that period of time which makes me just as excited about them coming to Brisbane in 2032 it's not just the competition you know it's not just the the event or the Olympic athletes or the Paralympic athletes that get that real sense of being part of something bigger than themselves it's it's anyone that's in that vicinity and at that point in time all sport everyone that had the ability to pull on the green and gold kind of just stood a bit firmer. Yeah and I guess with the you know with the home hosting the Olympics the country gets kind of they have to put someone in every event because you get automatic entry so that's where we did see a lot of personalities you might not have seen you know in overseas Olympics and there are a lot of characters too. Do you find it's been easier for you to get the ball rolling post Sydney you know because then then you had a big job of going you know overseas then you had the big job of going you know to all of these massive cities it was one thing to be you know working in a league's club you know couchsurfing to get yourself to you were still you're still a stone's throw from home really and then yeah was that was that a good place to start because then you know then all of a sudden we're talking about international flights we're talking about Athens we're talking about you know London. Mate it was an awesome place to start because you got to feel what it's like to have a hundred and eighteen thousand people screaming at you name you got your first competition you got beaten by what was just a heightened experience for every single Aussie and really the team was building for the six years before that as well so you've got to be a part of this it's it's like the leading hook the hook gotcha and it was just it was a pretty powerful hook at that point in time and then when I got into Sydney and got a couple of silver medals you kind of you'd had just enough taste of it to adjust enough success to want to be better but not so much success that you can kind of go okay I'm done yep so for me for me it felt like now looking at it it was a perfect way to start it got me in there got me fired enough up enough to kind of bury myself for another three and a half years go out there and get those couple of gold medals and then also to finish in you know 18 years later as well with an with another gold I couldn't have asked for a better story arc you won golds across you know so you write you won medals across you won your golds you won Silver's bronze across an array of events what did you think was your event what did you marathon me marathon my life was about a marathons yeah about marathons I would race 72 ish marathons over the 20 years I'd win 42 often I'd be on the podium in another 20 so all parts of my life were all about trying to refine that 42 kilometers and trying to figure out where the efficiencies could be made trying to figure out you know where what courses I wanted to kind of kind of get under my belt and the marathon industry I guess it's called the events are huge around the world as well like New York Marathon you race in front of 50 million people every year 2 million people on the sides of the roads so you get these really exciting events that are outside the Olympic and Paralympics experience as well but then it was more than just an event it was part of my life for a couple of decades now you come from a big family out there in in car core just outside of Blaney you can always eat the soil out there it's good it's an agricultural breadbasket what was going on around you we from a big sporting family yeah mate yep I was my family were a lot of rugby league and a lot of netball yep my uncle when I was a young fella through the early early 80s was coaching New South Wales and Australia in the rugby league he would coach coach New South Wales through to its first state of origin win and he'd be the reason why a state based coach can't coach national level team as well yeah he took hold of the reigns of the Aussie the green and gold and sacked every single Queenslander out of the uncle uncle Terry was he coached Parramatta as well and a few of my cousins were playing in the in the state on national base leagues and I always saw sport and really a lot of a lot of kids from the bush see this is it's the biggest stage that the world's got yeah you know like when you're sitting around school you're not talking about who's gonna be a scientist nah you know you're not talking about which one of the classes is headed into any other field you know yeah you're talking about sport constantly and the green and gold for me is and for a lot of kids especially in the bush I think the green and gold is like royalty it's the thing that is as high as you can possibly go that is achievable for you yeah it's yours you know you're not born into it every part of it you've got to earn every part of it you've got to hurt to get to yeah but but it can be yours but you can also see the pathway from the bush you know you can't necessarily see the pathways into being a scientist short of you know a school visit to the CSIRO base you know or do you end I'm sure you went down and saw the dish in parks like you know we all went to the dish and we all went to Canberra the science Questacon every kid from the bush walks through Questacon for one day over six years and they go wait there's more to science than a Bunsen burner there's all this gravity stuff yeah slippery slides and the like but sport is a powerful tool for that part of the world and I'm not saying that I wish that I wish science was embedded in every single school and that they all had the skills or the qualified teachers and the assets to actually do it but everyone's got a plea yeah you did have that for sport you know and you can see sure yeah yeah absolutely so from there you kind of where do you find you know the infrastructure because I mean you can't I mean you say that sport sport is a visible pathway but he's still coming from a pretty small town I mean short of rugby league and netball I don't imagine many javelin throwers came out of car call I was I was still crawling around on the field trying to tackle my brothers when I saw wheelchair racing and to me it was as foreign as anything I'd ever seen I never really knew that they were like me you know like I literally grew up crawling around the paddocks the hands in the dirt and it's funny when you said that you could eat that dirt I ate plenty of that but then when I saw it I saw wheelchair racing my teacher introduced me to it she bought wheelchairs out to the school put my mates in wheelchairs put my peers in wheelchairs my town found out that I wanted to have a look at this this sport and 200 cockies 200 farmers concrete as fences 200 people who didn't have the the money in their pocket but they found it and and they would raise 10 grand in two weeks and they would open up the world to me they would buy me a racing wheelchair they would buy me a ticket to go over to the US to compete and to see other kids in wheelchairs race and they told my mum when my mum and dad tried to stop them and they said that well we weren't financial but we were very proud family yeah my mum and dad tried to stop the town from raising the bucks they said to stay out of it and they would raise that cash they would tell my mum to drive me down to Sydney to put me on this plane and then all of a sudden I'm 13 14 years old heading over to the US and it just opened up a pathway that that gave me the world it changed my life changed the way that I see myself changed the way that I see where disability what it is and where it sits in community it was it was a pretty it was a pretty beautiful moment to start mate it's it's probably why I just felt so grateful to do this for 25 years because when you start from such a place and you require the intervention of people again and again to give you the opportunity you know like it's a lot of gratitude there behind that yeah I mean a beautiful story mate sound like good people out there and again with that you kind of you've been overseas you've seen that as a kid good time to see that too you know as a teenager when you are starting to weigh up you know what's happening after school and and then you know your local communities backing you and then of course you know you have the convenience of the next Olympics is just is in your state and then well I think I think that that actually was one of the triggers to get me in there as well you know even seeps into the tiniest little towns in this country the idea that we're going to host an Olympics and a Paralympic Games that's what filters through yeah and that does have cut through yeah and it was at that period of time where I was realizing that I was different to everyone else in the world well in my world at that point in time well I'm looking around and saying all my mates get bigger and stronger and quicker and the only time I'm seeing other wheelchairs is when I'm in a hospital and I'm looking at all these people who are sick and I'm like I'm not sick.
Or Anzac Day. I'm not return servicemen. It just kind of changed everything you know like everything yeah so then where did you find yourself silvers got a bit of silverware then what's the play from there is this a job is this a or is this time to study you've got another four years until the next games and you've had yeah after that 90% of Olympic and Paralympic athletes don't do it for cash yeah you know like that they're not banking millions of bucks they're not banking hundreds of thousands of bucks they're barely banking tens of thousands of bucks like the Olympics was created it is it is funny though the perception that that there is this real this idea that but they're seeking individual wealth but it's by far that they're seeking to be a part of something that's bigger than themselves and to put their stamp on the Australian tapestry you know but like the wide kind of story that the green and gold tells for me my coach said that I had to go to uni he didn't want my he said he didn't want my friends to be other wheelchair racers yeah he said that I want your friends to be something a completely different world because when these stones you know you need to be defined as a different as dip more than that so I went back to I went back to Bathurst Charles the University and study become a teacher and did a few good years out there and and then came back took another year off and and went back into Athens pretty fired up and being in a good paddock at Bathurst and came back and in one gold medals won my couple of gold medals and then it kind of did turn into a job a little bit and then it was you know from 2004 through to 2018 it was it was both a job and I like to describe it the way Dan Kowalski describes it as as well it's the Olympic and Paralympic athlete is the athlete that is given this teddy bear when they're when they're one year old yeah and this teddy bear means more than anything in the world and they carry it until that teddy bear is this desire to see whether or not you can be the absolute best in the world and that just becomes who you are and you know you just sink your kind of life into that area from that point for it for the next decade when did you start feeling that responsibility that I'm sure a lot of people carried for you when you you know when you first went over to the States the whole town flew you over there and then you start seeing you know other athletes in wheelchairs when did it start hitting home to you that now you were the guy on the screen or in the stadium you know that kids in wheelchairs were looking at I don't know whether it did for racing I was always intrinsically motivated you know like I would get up there and oh I could get a gold medal or I could win a race and you'd get praise but if I did something wrong within it I would always kind of personally you'd be questioned with it or vice-versa you would do a race and you'd you'd get negative feedback yeah and it wouldn't matter because I would know where it was headed yeah the reason that I did recognize that I was part of community when though when there were kids coming through because when I was the kid you know Louise Savage she was the greatest wheelchair racer of her time of probably all time she would take me into a living room and allow me to sleep on a couch yeah as a 14 15 16 year old kid the world champion when I was 17 18 19 years old out of Canada would allow me to live with him for two months every year the community look after each other and so when I got to my point where I was it was my turn or it was that moment that I was able to be at the rare air the the pointy end of the field I just made sure that I knew that the next guys coming around that were part of my family and they were allowed you know you just invite them in yep how are you feeling now you know obviously firmly you know you're on our TV screens now and you'll be you'll be very much a there'll be as much profile around you now you got your own SBS show you're anchoring the Paralympics coverage you know Kurt firmly is implanted into the Australian kind of public life now public eye how do you feel like you still got you know all of the household name but you don't have the output of 40 marathons you can kinda you can kind of deal with it is all comes with it right this all comes with it when you're training and you're competing but now you're actually a celebrity it's not necessarily not related to the you know the extreme cardio of a marathon but I do look forward to life being thrown up in the air and going full Kardashian yeah I'm gonna go I'm gonna go full Hollywood on on the Paralympic Games it has been it's been a real like I've got I've got a three-year-old and a seven-year-old and my seven-year-old gets asked what dad does he tells people I talk to on television yeah you know like in so much of my life was about that high rev kind of building and fatiguing moments life is much more about trying to tell the story of people around me people told my story in such a positive way for such a long period of time now I get to tell their story you know so being in you know what is it what is Australia really think on SBS that's coming out on August 18 being able to tell the story of what is the real experience of people disabilities have an honest conversation invite people inside the curtain to see what it is to actually live with the disability in this country or to line up and be on seven the following week and to introduce a huge part of this country to my family yeah and that's who I feel like the Paralympic team is they're my family and I love them you know I can't wait to see what it is that they get to contribute to the Paralympic world and I will do everything in my power to tell it in a way that accurately and allows people to feel what it is that they're going through my you're not a Kardashian until no one can remember why you're famous you've got enough medals to to last you know I think you got 10 20 years until we forget where he where did he come from again yeah now you are you are doing this show with the SBS working alongside some fellow darlings of Australian public life Nonny Hazelhurst of Play School Fame and of course Casey Donovan the Tamworth terror how has that been what does Australia really think about dot dot dot so I would take the I would take that community of people with disabilities and we would we would run a few different experiments that would be the largest survey done around around what people really think around disability it's pretty confronting I will say that even I had a fairly solid idea of what it is that the story was going to be told but then when you hear it when you see it take place it was pretty challenging to watch but I think that whether or not we tell that story or not people are experiencing it there are kids in the in the playground that are experiencing this atmosphere that we don't really acknowledge this show acknowledges it yeah right anyone that watches this will understand and get an insight into what it is to be a person with a disability so we're not strictly discrimination we're talking hurdles as well and just the the challenges or or the atmosphere we're talking social interact everything from social interaction to stigma to belief systems to literal you know social barriers that are standing up in the way of somebody being able to live their life yeah it was really kind of I love my community and most of the time I want to go out of my way to build it up to do nothing but really positive stuff about who we are or who we can be in it and the potential of the community this one in the end I think it is positive it's just very very honest yeah was there much stuff that you hadn't yourself experienced now that you're looking at all these different other perspectives I mean you would have you would have felt a fair whack of this you know as you said you were lucky enough to have a community to rally together and got the ball rolling for you and your got your ball rolling to help you live your life but you still at the end of the day we're in a tiny country town and you like you said you're crawling around tackling your brothers on the football level now I lived a really weird life in one in one part of my world I was praised for being this Paralympic athlete you know and this this invincible person and then I would go 10 meters the other way and be an object of pity yeah so it's a really strange way to spend your time and more and more often my life was also defined and I was well known through sport so a lot of the stuff that we would experience you know I hadn't felt for decades yeah but when you see it again you feel it again yeah and we've got young young kids kind of interacting with the world and you know just being having their back turned on them because they slur their speech yeah you've got young women who have small stature being mocked to their face and it just there's an honesty to this that even I don't know whether it's shocked or hurt but at the end of the day even though with that said I still think it is a positive story I still think it is a positive show because it shows the strengthen of each of these people however they deal with their life and the optimism of who they are and who they can be and where they're headed so it's a I'm equal parts excited and nervous for this thing to come to air yeah no it sounds like it's gonna be a hell of a watch mate it's interesting actually you know you hear a lot you know from people within the disability community about one thing they hate is the fussing you know what I mean like the it's one thing to pity you know it's one thing to be ignored but then to be you know fussed over is is equally frustrating as well you know what I mean most people with disabilities just want to be you mate you know like just want to be out in community and seen equal with their non-disabled peers it'd be given an equal run at it the same that we give to we I hope we would give to every other person out in the world they're all on fuss that I want pity that I want praise they just want to be seen as equal nothing more they want to be seen by everyone else in the same way that everyone gets seen by a train conductor not not me though I want to be seen as a deity if I want to be seen as some sort of godlike figure exactly although although you know what you when you do when you do you get given the job of hosting a Paralympic opening ceremony yeah you know what you realize very quickly they cop a lot of shit yeah you're a sitting duck I'm a sitting duck out there during those during that games and I know that everyone's gonna go don't read social media I know I'm gonna read it and it's gonna hurt another two stories on that one yeah no I think after speaking to some of the people you've spoken to on this new TV show you might have some thick skin coming into this media run I guess anchor you're a TV host and what what else do you find yourself working in nowadays I mean I'm guessing like anyone who's come back from overseas with a bit of silverware you're on the corporate speaking circuit my life is not a people actually they asked me what I do and I don't really know yeah exactly like every other man in an Annie's dog I've got too many podcasts of course I do do a bit of talking around around culture and community I do work with people with disabilities around employment I've got a little school that's looked after by the Edmund Rice Foundation out of Nairobi we've got 75 kids with disabilities getting five days a week education I don't know man just life I've got a farm I've got a couple of hundred acres up here in God's country in Doug in in in Dungog I'm living living the dream the beautiful pipeline of Dungog that's some good country up there actually you can almost eat that as well mate now again I've got a healthy diet of dirt and grit and any anything that produces Dougie Walters mate is fine by me what are you running up there cattle cattle right there's some Dungog there was something that happened in Dungog I mean of course you got Dougie Walters but there was a famous film shot out there it'll come to me in a second so you are on the Australia Day Council of New South Wales I've got the list of boards here mate NDIS independent advisory council that's a big one that's a tough one they appeared from a few years back I was part of the independent advisory council during the rollout from 2013 through to 2016 I think it was it was a big one man like it was the NDIS isn't perfect but when you went around Australia and saw the reality of lived experience with disability before the NDIS it's hard not to be just grateful that we are where we are even though it might need a good kicking and bumping and resizing for the next 50 years but yeah I'm glad we got it yeah well you know I'm sure people were saying the same thing about Medicare when we finally got it as well sure yeah and then of course you are now an outgoing Australian Paralympic Committee I guess member are you still still involved there in any capacity yeah Paralympics I'm on the the Athlete Council the end of the International Paralympic Committee I was on the board of the Australian Paralympic Committee the community the community gave me the world gave me everything so if there's ways that I can kind of give back and play a part in it still then I'm all for it well there you have it Kurt Fearnley champ champ champ champ champ I'm trying to rattle off all these medals here but he's done it all on the track and now he's doing it all on the screen for us thank you for joining us today Kurt what a great yarn good to see a Blaney kid or a Central West kid car core kid done well and all the best with your cattle my thanks my thank you get seen by a train conductor if he has to get the ramp out he'll get the ramp out otherwise he's not looking at you not not me though I want to be seen as a deity if I want to be seen as some sort of godlike figure exactly although although you know what you when you do when you do you get given the job of hosting a Paralympic opening ceremony yeah you know what you realize very quickly they cop a lot of shit yeah you're sitting duck I'm a sitting duck out there during those during that games and I know that everyone's gonna go don't read social media I know I'm gonna read it and it's gonna hurt no the tutor stories on that one yeah no I think after speaking to some of the people you've spoken to on this new TV show you might have some thick skin coming into this media run I guess anchor you're a TV host and what what else do you find yourself working in nowadays I mean I'm guessing like anyone who's come back from overseas with a bit of silverware you're on the corporate speaking circuit my life is not a key people actually they asked me what I do and I don't really know yeah exactly like every other man in Annie's dog I've got too many podcasts of course I do do a bit of talking around around culture and community I do work with people with disabilities around employment I've got a little school that's looked after by the Edmund Rice Foundation out of Nairobi we've got 75 kids with disabilities getting five days a week education I don't know man I just like I've got a farm I've got a couple of hundred acres up here in God's country and Doug in in in Dungog I'm living living the dream the beautiful pipeline of Dungog that's some good country up there actually you could almost eat that as well mate man again I've got a healthy diet of a dirt and grit and any anything that produces Dougie Walter's mate is fine by me what are you running up there cattle cattle right there's some Dungog there was something that happened in Dungog I mean of course you got Dougie Walter's but there was a famous film shot out there it'll come to me in a second so you are on the Australia Day Council of New South Wales I've got the list of boards here mate NDIS independent advisory council that's a big one that's a tough one they appeared from a few years back I was part of the independent advisory council during the rollout from 2013 through to 2016 I think it was it was a big one man like it was the NDIS isn't perfect but when you went around Australia and saw the reality of lived experience with disability before the NDIS it's hard not to be just grateful that we are where we are even though it might need a good kicking and bumping and resizing for the next 50 years but yeah I'm glad we got it yeah well you know I'm sure people were saying the same thing about Medicare when we finally got it as well sure yeah and then of course you are now an outgoing Australian Paralympic Committee I guess member are you still is still involved there in any capacity yeah Paralympics I'm on the the athlete council the end of the International Paralympic Committee I was on the board of the Australian Paralympic Committee the community the community gave me the world gave me everything so if there's ways that I can kind of give back and play a part in it still then I'm all for it well there you have it Kurt Fearnley champ champ champ champ champ I'm trying to rattle off all these medals here but he's done it all on the track and now he's doing it all on the screen for us thank you for joining us today Kurt what a great yarn good to see a Blaney kid or a Central West kid car core kid done well and all the best with your cattle mine thanks Mike thank you |
dropout | how_to_make_your_own_reddit_themed_cocktail | Good evening friends, I'm Caldwell welcoming you back to another episode of Internet Bartender. This week we're going to be making a cocktail based on my favorite link-sharing community, Reddit.com. Joining me is my resident taste tester, Pat Cassels. Good to see you sir. Pat, I understand you're a bit of a Redditor yourself. Are you ready to have your taste buds up-boated to the front page of flavor? You know it my good sir.
Alright, then let's get started. Now to give it that distinctive Reddit look, we're going to be using a modified white Russian. So first I'm going to use a little bacon infused vodka and then just a splash of absinthe because just like Reddit, this cocktail is not safe for work.
I'm in carbon heaven. Now I'm going to substitute coffee liqueur for some grenadine and then top it off with just a little bit of that vanilla flavored grumpuccino courtesy of Reddit's own Grumpy Cat. I love that as much as Grumpy Cat hates everything. Now let's top it off with a little allspice to represent the thousands of fantastic subreddits that make Reddit so cool and special. Pat, what's your favorite subreddit?
Oh, that's got to be r slash wtf. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I find messed up shit like that super low worthy.
Now are you ready to make this concoction go totally viral? Because I've got a Reddit alien antenna made out of a maraschino cherry and a cocktail straw. I'm going to plop it right in there. Holy Tesla, I cannot wait to taste this bad boy. Hold your horses, man, because I've got one more secret ingredient coming right up.
It's human feces to represent the awful, hate-filled subreddits and the terrible people that run them.
Um, what? Ah, let's go ahead and just plop this in there. Yep, okay. Time to drink up, pal. Yeah, I don't, I don't think I want it anymore. What do you mean?
You love Reddit.
Yeah, but it's going to taste like shit. Well, I mean, like you'll barely notice it. Just pretend it's not there. It's floating right at the top.
Oh, you know what? I'll scoop some out. Okay. How about that?
Is that better? It's not better, man. You barely got any of this. What are you talking about? This is like the worst part.
Look at all that spinach in there.
Can't you just give me a version that has no shit at all? Pat, are you? Are you trying to censor me as an artist, as a, as a cocktail artist? Listen, man, I don't like the way the shit tastes more than anyone else, but you know what? That's not what this is about. A cocktail represents the utter freedom that Reddit provides to us. And if you don't want to drink it just because it's got one or two pieces of human excrement floating in it, then you know what? Maybe, just maybe, you're a part of the problem. Bottoms up, you fucking coward. No, you don't have to.
Oh, God. Don't. Oh. Oh, God. Dude, are you okay?
You ate like the whole log. It needs more bacon. Bacon! Thanks for watching, click here to subscribe to College Humor and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the labs. |
dropout | hardly_working_the_new_girl | Okay, so basically you just click empty recycle bin and all your files are deleted.
Hey, Rosie, I'm looking at your sister's Facebook profile, she has some hot friends. Please. Hey, Jake, you better stop, you don't want the new girl thinking you're a perv, do you? New girl? Yeah, Lindsay, the new girl over there in green. You know, I've actually been thinking about asking her out for...
Jake? Oh my god. Whoa. What? Jake left his Facebook profile open. You want to mess with it? Yeah. Good. Ow. Jake left his religious views. Ate this. Oh yeah.
When I finally moved to New York, I was like, oh my god. There is no god!
Okay. Wow. Um, I'm sorry. Oh my god, this is awesome. Move on a try. It's working.
I'm going to change his birthday to 2000. He'd be eight.
You're a genius. Shut up. Okay. Ew. Cooties. Alright, cool. I like you.
This is not me. I'm not... You just pulled my hair. Sorry.
Alright, let me in. Let me in.
I'm going to change his occupation. I'm one of the higher ups here and you know I'm having like a really busy day and I'm feeling better. We have to make sure. We need a dishwasher.
Yeah, you clean it up. So yes sir. Okay.
Why I had that? I don't like dork. I want to change his favorite movies.
I want to build you your dream house out of River, okay? I want to grow old with you. If you're a bird, I'm a bird. That's actually really sweet.
Wait, no. Don't make the notebook his favorite movie. That's helping him. Okay, I'm changing it.
Wow, nobody's ever said that to me before.
Yeah baby, yeah. Oh, behave. Mini.
See? See that? See it?
Is this you working late? No.
And who's this? Your little whore? This is Lindsay, the new girl.
Dude, what are you doing? Oh dude? Dude, that's how you talk to me?
We're in a relationship. No! We were in a relationship. Now it's a complication. I love you, Streeter.
What am I doing? Jake, what are you typing? Jake is beating the ever-loving shit out of Patrick Castle's. No, you're not. |
TheOnion | Man_Says_Fuck_It_Eats_Lunch_At_10_58_A_M_ | Barely two hours into his workday, 30-year-old local man Kyle Dunedin reportedly said fuck it and went out to get lunch at 10.58 this morning. Dunedin spoke to Onion reporters about his decision to eat lunch so early in the day.
Some people might think I should have waited, but you know what? I don't give a shit.
I was hungry. I wanted a sandwich. End of story. And I'm glad I did too, because this is delicious. I didn't eat anything for breakfast this morning.
So whatever. I'm getting lunch now. Who cares? As Onion reporters quote, if anyone doesn't like it, tough shit, Dunedin revealed that should he get hungry again later in the day, there is absolutely no reason he wouldn't go out for a salad or another sandwich in the afternoon. Also, if I want to eat lunch at 10.30 tomorrow, I'm going to do it. I'm not going to starve just because everybody else at the office eats lunch at one.
If anything, it's a lot less crowded now anyway. For more on this story, check this week's Onion review. |
TheOnion | New_Prius_Helps_Environment_By_Killing_Its_Owner | A lot of automakers are rolling out green energy vehicles, but Toyota says its newest Prius is the most environmentally friendly car ever produced.
The secret?
It kills its driver. Toyota calls it the Prius solution. When the driver enters the solution, the doors automatically lock and a seatbelt secures him in place. Then it's time for Toyota's revolutionary Eco-Spike technology to go to work, impaling the driver through the heart and lungs.
Ads for the solution tout the fact that it's the only car out there guaranteed to reduce its driver's carbon footprint to zero. The newest member of the Prius family is the greenest member. Prius solution, when you're dead, you can't pollute. Over a thousand eco-conscious Americans have already pre-ordered the solution. I mean, if you care about the planet at all, it's the best car you can get.
If your car doesn't kill you, it's like, what's even the point? The car does have its critics. Some are complaining it's irresponsible of Toyota to not use recycled materials in the construction of the solution's killing spikes. But Toyota is betting on customizable features like the family solution, which kills up to six people at once, and the green gardener, which grinds the body of the driver into an organic fertilizer to create healthy demand for the solution. Members of the media will get a chance to test drive the solution at Toyota's annual green car convention this Friday.
And this lucky reporter happens to be on the guest list. So for the last time ever, for TechTrends, I'm Scott McKay. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_mitch_mcconnell_and_herschel_walker_on_2022_midterms_snl | It's our pleasure. pleasure. Yeah, let's go team, alright.
So, Herschel, you're a former Nfl player. yes. with no political experience. that's right.
And you were caught lying about having three secret children.
Yes, sir.
So, Senator Mcconnell, do you really think this guy is ready to be a Senator? It doesn't matter what I think. it matters what I say, and I say, Go Herschel Walker. hey, well, I love you too, Mitch Mcconnell. You see, we not so different. me and Mitch are like two peas in a bag. Alright. well, Herschel, you've already said some pretty bizarre things that they've got some Republicans worried.
I mean, for example, you said, quote, our good air decided to float over to China's bad air. So, when China gets our good air, the bad air got to move out.
What does that mean?
Sure. Aaron Brockovich. indeed.
You see, science don't understand. everybody's talking about climate, but what we really should be focusing on is putting the Hawaii closer. Oh, yeah. bring that climate over here. that's a good idea.
I like that. they don't need it. they little.
So, that's something we need to look at very, very closely. right, Mitch? right, it's Mitch.
Yeah, that's exactly. Yeah.
Okay, well, Senator Mcconnell, I got to ask, what qualifications does this guy actually have to be in the Senate? there's too many to name. First of all, he played football, And Georgia loves football. everybody loves football, baseball. in fact, man, catching balls is what makes us different from apes, Okay? that's right.
Of course I do. You know what?
I wrote a few down for Mitch on the way over here. Here, go ahead, read that there there, Mitch.
And number three, create a Department of Instagram booty. too many girls out here faking their cake. it ain't right. it ain't right. You know what, Herschel, why don't you just tell them about yourself?
Oh, okay, yeah. thank you, Stitch. I don't mind if I do. where's my camera? is it down here? No, it's right there, man. it's there. Oh, okay.
Hi, America. My name is Herschel Burschel, and I play football for the U.s.
Senate. whenever I'm in hard times, I think of the strength of our founding fathers, George Carver Washington, the Jeffersons, and Benjamin Frankenstein. they changed the world when they got together and wrote the Bible. And when I'm the government, we gonna see. Thank you.
Okay, Mitch Mcconnell and Herschel Walker, everybody. Georgia Senate Candidate: Herschel Walker.
All right, Jeff, Pleasure. Pleasure. Yeah, let's go, team, all right.
So, Herschel, you're a former Nfl player. Yes. with no political experience. that's right.
And you were caught lying about having three secret children.
Yes, sir. So, Senator Mcconnell, do you really think this guy is ready to be a Senator? It doesn't matter what I think. it matters what I say, and I say, go, Herschel Walker.
Hey, well, I love you, too, Mitch Mcconnell. You see, we not so different. me and Mitch are like two peas in a bag. All right, well, Herschel, you've already said some pretty bizarre things that they've got some republicans worried.
I mean, for example, you said, quote, our good air decided to float over to China's bad air. So when China gets our good air, the bad air got to move out.
What does that mean?
Oh, gee, I slow down so you can understand. we all know air, right? Air Bud. yeah. Air Jordan.
Sure. Aaron Brockovich. indeed.
You see, science don't understand. everybody's talking about climate, but what we really should be focusing on is putting Hawaii closer. Oh, yeah. bring that climate over here. that's a good idea.
I like that. they don't need it. they little.
So that's something we need to look at very, very closely. right, Mitch? right, it's Mitch.
Yeah, that's exactly it. Yeah.
Okay, well, Senator Mcconnell, I got to ask, what qualifications does this guy actually have to be in the Senate?
Well, there's too many to name.
First of all, he played football, And Georgia loves football. everybody loves football, baseball. in fact, man, catching balls is what makes us different from apes, Okay? that's right. Listen, listen, if we come from apes, why are they still apes out there? we don't need that, No bother, Michelle. what are you talking about? do you have any real policy proposals?
Of course I do. You know what?
I wrote a few down for Mitch on the way over here. Here, go ahead. read that there there, Mitch.
And number three, create a Department of Instagram booty. too many girls out here faking their cake. it ain't right? it ain't right. you know what? you know what, Hershel? why don't you just tell them about yourself? Oh, okay, yeah. thank you, Stitch. I don't mind if I do. where's my camera? is it down here? No, it's right there, man. it's there. Oh, okay.
Hi, America. My name is Hershel Burchill, and I play football for the U.s.
Senate. whenever I'm in hard times, I think of the strength of our founding fathers, George Carver Washington, the Jefferson's, and Benjamin Frankenstein. they changed the world when they got together and wrote the Bible. And when I'm the government, we gonna see. thank you. thank you.
Okay, Miss Mcconnell and Herschel Walker, everybody. |
cracked | why_hollywood_will_never_make_another_good_buddy_cop_movie_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | I love everything about Buddy Cop movies. The cops, that they are buddies, at all. Even though they're a little bit racist, oh yeah, you didn't, they're racist, okay. So the joy of Buddy Cop movies comes from the pairing of unlikely partners.
It started with straight-laced guy with wild, crazy, street-smart guy, Tango and Cash, Starsky and Hutch, agents of cracked. Everything you say and do is like, ah, ah, stab him in the throat with scissors. Well, when it was no longer surprising to see a buy the books guy and a wild card guy working together, unlikely came to mean one is white and one is black. Showtime, Miami Vice, Lethal Weapon, Lethal Weapon 2, Lethal Weapon 4. Just me, you and this cat are dumb enough to be down here, nearly a catastrophe. When that no longer seems surprising, Hollywood's next stage in the Buddy Cop evolution was Dog. Canine paired Jim Belushi with a German Shepherd, and Turner and Hooch paired Tom Hanks with one of those sloppy, jowly, wrinkly, what is it, a rink? Rinkweiler?
We don't know. We may never know. It's impossible to know.
Some kind of mutt. Sounds like. Anyway, then, Hollywood just kept making more of these movies. Top Dog, where Chuck Norris and a dog team up to track down Nazis, and Cop Dog, where a kid's dad and his dog both die, but then the dog comes back as a ghost cop dog to help him track down his father's murderer. Did I make either of these up? Man, that dog is some kind of hero, you know that?
Asshole been told. Get out the cold front with vengeance. Get him, boys! Holy shit!
Alright, so Hollywood thinks, look, a white guy and a black guy working together, isn't that wacky? And then the next wackiest thing they could think of is a white guy getting paired with a dog. The genre stopped being about unlikely partners, and it became the white guy gets paired with wacky things genre. There has never been a movie that partnered a black cop with a dog, at least not to my very extensive and specific knowledge.
So do you understand now why it's racist? Good. This is the part where I tell you this episode has actually nothing to do with racism. Boom! Buddy cop movies, the best ones are about tension between the two main characters.
I'm talking about springtime. You can feel it in the air. Only spring I can feel is definitely not in the air.
And this weird trend we're talking about, it has nothing to do with racism. Hollywood isn't saying that it can replace black people with dogs. They're just out of unlikely pairs. And what that means is that we will never see a good buddy cop movie again. There's no longer any combination of two people that would be considered weird to us. It used to be simple to see what two characters would have inherent tension, a cop and an ex-con, like in 48 hours.
I hate rednecks. You people are rednecks. Streetwise black cop and some nerdy white cops, like in Beverly Hills Cop.
Can we listen to me? I am not listening to me. I'm sorry.
Right. A rookie FBI agent and a veteran agent. Like in Point Break. What happened?
Could you stop shaving? I don't think I want to surf right now.
All those pairings, good versus bad, black versus white, old versus young, they all had clear tensions built in. But once we crossed that threshold and we paired man with beast, we ran out. There are no longer any pairs that lend themselves to the buddy cop format. Rush Hour paired a black guy with an Asian guy, even though there's no clear inherent tension there.
It's a car. Mahalo! We gotta make him look like a real car. I'm too sexy for my clothes.
We're throwing every possible pairing at the wall hoping something sticks. That's why most modern buddy cop movies are homages to or meta-commentaries on the genre like Hot Fuzz or 21 Jump Street or the other guys. You stopping me? What? It's that there will never be a truly authentic good buddy cop movie ever again. Solid episode. I usually ruin things that you like, but this time I ruined things that haven't come out. I future ruined buddy cop movies that haven't come out yet. We are. I am finding my footing with this show. It's gonna be a good show. Tune in next time. Our topic will be me calling Nicholas Cage to see if he'll rob a bank with me. I shouldn't broadcast that.
Welcome to Temple Academy. The entire first year is safety. The second year is safety and maintenance. When is the force class?
Use the force! By light of nothing, by dark of bright, the Jedi way. We look. We are. Protect. Jedi. Good. Yes. That... was nothing. Jedi Code.
No! Not the... |
cracked | titane_review_ft_bryan_slack_aka_trans_formers | All right, we are either live or we are not. No, we are. We're live.
So I'm going to start saying the thing. Ready? Welcome to Crack Movie Club, the show where we do a book club but for movies which are like books but better. I am your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-host, Jesse.
Not Allie. Allie's dead to us.
All right. Well, Allie's actually being John Malkovich-ing me right now. Oh my God. That's wonderful. I'm glad you guys figured that out. And we also have a guest host today. That's one and only and truest video editor, Brian Slack. Hello. Yes, good. Hell yeah. That's the kind of stuff. Long time listener. First time caller. Yeah. Really great to have you. Buy necessity because Allie is going to be fired. Just kidding.
By the way, we're going to say, I'm going to say this right now that we have a Discord and I'm posting the link and the thing and we have a newsletter also posting a link. And if you have any questions throughout this podcast or any alternate titles, or if you need to puke and just tell us that you're going to puke because you've seen this movie too recently, do so in the chat. We'll get to it at the end, assuming that I can keep up with the chat, which is debatable. So I'm going to recap. Describe your puke for us.
Yeah. Okay.
I'm going to recap this movie as I just did for Brian and it's not going to make any sense, but there's a girl in a car. The girl and the car crash. The girl gets a titanium plate in her head and then she falls in love with cars flash forward to much later. She dances on cars for a living and a guy tries to kiss her. So she kills him and then it turns out that she just is a serial killer and also she, she has sex with cars and then she kills too many people and the cops are trying to find her.
So she pretends to be the adult version of a boy who went missing several years ago and then her fire fire father is how I said it. Her firefighter daddy adopts her and even though everybody on the fire crew and everyone knows that she is not in fact, this little boy, including the dad, she, he lets her stay and then she has a baby and dies. Oh, cause the car got her pregnant and that is titane. Yeah, my, my, my distillation would be a young woman transforms from a fire man into a fire truck.
Okay. A woman from a man to a truck does what you said? Yeah. That's really. Fire woman to a fire boy to a, to a lump of dead fire mess. Brian.
Why? Why, man?
Because, you know, first of all, when you asked me to be on the podcast, I, it just like came out and then I regretted saying it immediately because I was like, oh, this is going to be, had you seen it? But then I remembered every time you're like, oh, we saw this movie and I didn't like it. I always liked those movies and whatever movie I don't like, I know for a fact Jordan doesn't.
So I knew this would be beautiful discourse. Beautiful discourse.
I will say I had an excuse to watch it. I fully came around. I, so what, what little I knew about it was that it was gross and scary on purpose. Um, I actually really enjoyed the movie, but also the more I heard about it, the more I read about it.
It's pretty popular. People like, people like this. People have opinions on it.
Yeah. I mean, I think I would describe it as this, as a kind of artsy Michael Bay film, you know, it's a lot of women on cars and it's like, if, if Michael Bay was Michael Bay was French and was allowed to have the women have sex with the cars, that's what he would do. And there's even an explosion at one point and they're fire peoples. You know, it's just, it's basically Michael Bay, but French, I would say. I mean, yeah, it's just the Transformers.
He already did this. Right. Yeah, he did.
Yeah, the movie like four times. Yeah, I should do a recap of all the Transformers movies.
And this is the last one. This is the first. So this is how the race began.
Yeah. That was a question I had from almost the beginning to up till present time. Are any of the cars sentient? Is this like, are they was it bumblebee? It's a metaphor. It's so French, so European. Yeah, I did get the impression that it doesn't matter, although that car did seem to be into it. So. I mean, the car shows the car of its own volition were led to believe shows up at the door of her shower house or whatever. Oh, right. That's right.
So I guess in the club, I guess it doesn't matter, but also I need to know in this universe, are they sentient or is that just in her head? Like, is she delusional? I will say my only car sex note was that I needed more information about how the sex was being conducted. I was like, I don't actually want to see this, but I do need to know how it's happening. That's the parking brake. I think I think it's all tantric. It's just mental. I think I think I think she has the car. I mean, none of it matters, but I think the her brain is very clearly not doing so hot. And so I want to think that the car thing is just an extension of that. It's just like, yeah, she she identifies with cars, I guess. Although I will say that's kind of the weird thing is I feel like that was never taken. I mean, it's going to sound ridiculous.
It wasn't taken far enough. It was taken way too far in many ways.
But I just I didn't really understand why she liked. I mean, maybe I don't need to know, but I don't get why she cared about the cars other than that.
She crashed the car. Yeah, it was car infused in her brain. Oh, it was just like literally that was a piece of car in her head. It was like a piece of titanium, which was making her cold and emotionless and and like not be human. And the further she got away from the cars and like, you know, the more car like she became, the more human she became. Oh, it's that guy took the more human he became. We stick. I thought it was just that he that that she was saved by the car. She like her dad basically caused the crash. So she immediately as soon as she's out of the hospital, she's like, screw you, mom and dad. I love car now. She hugs the car and she ignores. Well, she was she was making car noises before the accident. Like she clearly already had some sort of affinity for at least being annoying and making car noises. And then she just she liked cars even more and got even more annoying in that she murdered people.
It's like the most annoying. So at first, when I first watched the movie, I was like the all. Honestly, my only genuine issue was like, I didn't understand why she was killing people at first.
But then I did remember I know too much about serial killers. And a big thing is serial killers having head injuries as children.
Oh, so it actually does kind of like logically make sense that, you know, she had a horrible head injury. So she's kind of that's a really good point.
And she's like a sex worker, you know, so like she's already in a dangerous environment. It's already people that like, you know, no one's going to miss. So is she a sex worker or is she just still like a stripper?
Does that count? Is that is that sex work? Just is like, do I have to change my resume? Give me give me 10 minutes.
You know what I thought was really funny is so, yeah, she's in this like, you know, combination car show, strip joint rave. And she's dancing on. Yeah, I mean, exactly. Yeah. That so she's dancing on a car. Very sexy.
But also nobody's around her. As soon as she's done dancing, they start flocking over to get her autograph and stuff that just felt like a bad direction.
No, no, assume genius, man. I thought that was so good. I was like, oh, give me more of that.
Why weren't the horny dudes closer to her? Because they didn't they didn't give it because like when you're horny, you're like alone, you're a member, you're a faceless member of the crowd. And then they just want the signature and then they run off.
You know. Oh, OK. OK.
I'm back on board. I love this movie again.
I don't know. I can explain away all of the things you guys don't like. It's hard, baby. You don't get it.
Yeah, I will say just in general, talking about being horny and alone, this was the saddest possible way to begin my morning. I felt very ill.
And and in general, I think it's worth mentioning that I think the first 30 minutes of the movie is much more intense and much. That's like, again, we talked about Mandy last week. And the only thing that anybody's going to remember about that movie is the last like the second half. I feel like for this movie, mostly what you're going to remember is that first half, because that's where the car sex is and all the murder happens then. I mean, it does get some pretty intense pregnancy body horror stuff, which I didn't love. Not a fan of watching later in the movies, throughout the movie. But I feel like that first 30 minutes made me so queasy and unhappy that I wasn't able to hang with when it felt like it turned into more of a movie and less of like a I don't know, somebody with too much money trying to make me feel sad for some reason. Yeah, I genuinely after the house party scene where she like just runs through everyone, which again, Jordan and I were talking briefly, I thought was hilarious when she gets tired and she's like, there's more.
Very. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was what I was genuinely concerned that like we were going to stay at that level. And I was like, I was like getting lightheaded. I was like, I'm not going to survive through this movie. I was so glad that it like becomes like a romcom with her dad, with her not dead. Yeah. Family. I like a D com original. So I feel like and I feel like that's the thing is Brian and I were talking about this a little bit ahead of time, but I kind of want to get your take on it, Jesse.
So I feel like obviously the violence is intense. In general, I have no issue with violence in movies. This movie is called Titane, Richard, Richard. Pay attention, Richard. Yeah, but so, you know, usually I violence in movies. So I in general, I think the worst kind of violence in movies tends to be the PG-13, the like James Bond, where it's just like he bloodlessly dispatches 400 people and there's nothing to it.
It's not that fun. And it's also not really. It doesn't matter. It just is.
And I think what I would prefer in a movie is either the like visceral stuff of like, if you're going to bother to have it, I don't think every movie needs violence, but if you're going to have it, it should be like saving Private Ryan or something. This is what Brian and I were talking about where it's gross. It's very gross, much like this movie, but it also it's serving some sort of purpose. It's making you be like, hey, maybe war is not great. Vin Diesel gets shot and bleeding down the street and you're like, oh, no. Vin Diesel or the knife going into the guy's chest. Not fun. Or the complete opposite is is, you know, like some of the Edgar Wright horror stuff like Shaun of the Dead or The Babysitter or like any of these movies, horror comedies or whatever, where maybe not even like Saw, where like the point is that it's gross and kind of funny in that way.
This just felt. I just felt unhappy with how gross it was. Like it was just it didn't feel like it meant anything.
I this guy, Jacob, is going to yell at me because he's already yelling at us. Jacob, Jacob. It's all right, Jacob. I got I got you, Jacob.
It just felt it wasn't fun enough to be fun. It didn't seem like it served enough of a purpose. It just was like it felt often like, hey, this would be really gross.
Yeah, but I kind of write in my violence. Like I don't want me. I don't want violence to be like fireworks. I want it to like make me feel bad because that's what violence does in real life. So if you're going to depict it at all, it should be not in like a Michael Bay like kick ass and take names.
It should be like, oh, this sucks that this is all right. I agree. But I feel like there's this. But also, it's like it's so preposterous that it doesn't. She's like beating a dude with a chair that she then sits on the stool in his open mouth, which is like, which is funny. I like that. But that's like that's not. Oh, wow.
Violence. Ooh, I shouldn't feel things like nobody gets killed that way. That's such a ridiculous thing, as opposed to being slowly stabbed on a battlefield in France, speaking of French things. It just felt like it was so it wasn't fun. It wasn't like purposeful like, oh, wow, violence is bad. It's like, oh, you're right. I should stop beating people to death with stools and it's sitting on their heads and breaking their spines. It was friggin whatever crowbar or whatever. I just felt mindless.
It was strange to me that in the same movie with the same character, although same character, but unlike different ends of of their journey, there's like the Kill Bill style violence of the first half. And then there's like the the fly style like body horror. And that that body stuff was grosser to me because a lot of it was like self-inflicted with the scratching. A lot of it was like slow and like and and maybe it's a self-infliction. Maybe that's what the second half of the movie violence was.
And that's why it is even harder to stomach. I also found that gross just to be clear. Everything was gross.
Jordan loved that part. Man, I love it when motor oil comes out of me out of my holes that I scratch into my sides.
Yeah.
Honestly, I thought the scratching and the I mean, the the the DIY abortion was rough. Well, it didn't take. Which is even worse. Like, why do we have to watch that? She should have known as a car. Like, you got to deprive it of gas or something. I don't know how it works. Magnetize it. Yeah.
How do you record a car? OK, the baby at the end, I thought it should have been like a toy truck or something. It was too human looking. I wanted it to be a little machine, one little matchbox car.
Yeah. Have you seen that movie about like the goat boy that came out? No, I don't think so. Swedish movie and the whole thing was like they have this lamb child and it's like it's got a lamb head, but a baby body. Oh, that's cute. I was kind of hoping for more of that. It was very subtle on the baby. Did you? Is that movie out? Yeah.
What's it called again? It's been out. Lamb. That's been out. OK, well, we should watch Lamb. It's all the dudes. OK.
It's it's not what you expect it to be. I don't know. I don't really have any preconceived notion about the half lamb boy movie.
But I think it was like marketed as like very intense kind of body horror. And it is more like the second half of this movie where it's like found families are also good. You know, like that's what I thought. That's actually what I thought it was going to be. So that's good to hear.
I didn't think it would. It looked like a like a weird, much more literal babe where it's like, oh, the the the farm animal is a part of our family. Quite literally. You look like a lamb that wandered off not 10 years ago.
That or do lamb. That or do. Anyway, we're not talking about that.
I mean, yeah, why? What do you think was the point of the violence then? Like what what goal? Like what?
I will say that the violence did feel a bit shoot. It felt like the director who is known for doing this kind of like fucked up body horror, like bodies are gross violence. Like it felt kind of like she felt obligated, like, all right, I'm just going to give you weirdos, you sickos, the like violence you want.
So then I can make the movie that I want. Got it. It did feel a little shoot, shoot, horned in in this movie. Like I will agree. OK. Like of all the things I watched, I was like, did I did I need to see you stab multiple people? That's the thing is, again, I think if it had been more fun or if it had been more to serve a specific purpose, then whatever. That's fine. Other than it felt like it was just, yeah, looking at me being like, you like this, you forget a piece of piece of crap. Doing this to make you sad on a Monday morning at 9 a.m. It's like, it's working.
I will say, I think it was really poignant when she like saves the life for the first time. And oh, yeah, how like she like runs through a whole house party of people just like like doesn't give a shit at all. And then in this very intimate moment, she like like by choice ultimately has to save this person's life.
Why does she? Why?
Because she's like finding a place and it's her kind of it's the first time because clearly her parents like fucking sucked. And honestly, I kind of see the cars as like like her being kind of like abused. I kind of saw them as like maybe like it was kind of her having sex in like in like dark kind of seedy ways. But we were just seeing it as a car, because that's how she like does it in her brain, because she fucked a fire truck at the fire department. And we've all I totally I totally get that. I mean, the idea of like carrying this baby that like you didn't want and then finding, OK, well, I am I do have some sort of attachment to this baby itself, not to all the problems that come with it. But I do want to take care of this thing. You know, despite its dark origins. Yes, I think I think I feel like the cars were a stand in for some kind of abuse. And it also explains why, like near the very end, she does kind of like offer herself up to her like new dad, you know, when she tries to kiss him.
Are we talking about? Yeah, like that. Yeah. Which like it's French. So that was going to happen. But that's that's a super good ass point.
They'd also made it really creepy with like him. Every time he'd like kiss his son, it seemed like more than French. It felt it felt like they wanted you to feel like it was dangerous.
But because, you know, they're all like these beefed up dudes, but they are ultimately like lifesavers and like gentle giants. You know, we see them dancing and it's like so gay and like they're all having a great time about it. But they're like, yeah. But then we cut to them in real life. And it's like, no, they're just like normal, straight firefighter dudes. And they do make they can be soft and they do make that point. They're like, oh, OK, I guess Jesus is gay and white.
Yeah, you like walk her. Yeah, I guess she walked out of the room with him. Yeah, I that made the one of the more fascinating scenes was her just deciding at the end to do her sexy dance again on top.
And all the dudes are like. Uh, it's like they some of the faces the dudes made were just perfect. Like I I want to screenshot some of those faces and that should be the title of this. Yeah.
Why in universe did she do that? Why did she think that that was like like what does that say about her? Is that like herself? She's finally being herself in front of her like new family or? I think she was like, yeah, it was kind of like a final like attempt at like going back to her old life. Like she gave it like one final try and she saw like the way that her new the good family she had like they didn't like the like all the shitty horrible parts about her old life, you know. That's interesting, but but it's also like she's being really sexy and she was like showing off a skill she learned. And like that didn't seem to me to be like funneling in the horrible parts of her old life. She didn't look too happy about it.
Yeah, she should have. I couldn't tell you've been up there doing carpentry. It would have been the same thing. What did they expect her to do when they were when they were like when they dragged her out of the throng and shoved her up on top of the truck?
What they think maybe she's going to dance? Well, maybe to talk for the first time. Maybe their hope was that she would finally like, OK, looks like she's having a good time. Maybe she'll finally, you know, extol the virtues of drag race culture. I feel like I think it's interesting that you say that, Brian. I almost feel like we it would be interesting to have an interview with the director, because on some level it felt very confused to me, these like potential metaphorical things because everything was so weird, because it's like she was already. I mean, I guess it's a good way to put it. Maybe that it's she's showing them the dark side of her, whatever.
But it's also like she immediately was hot for cars upon leaving the hospital.
And so it's it's hard for me to even understand. It doesn't feel like there's as much of an old life and a new life. And I know there is to some extent, because obviously the her not mom that that is like very, very wary. This is not her son is like, you need to take care of him because like take care of the the fire father, which that's going to be another time I'm going to write that one down because, you know, he's got to deal with his grief in his own way. I guess if you're going to be here to help him. And I get that there is like that sort of story. The like two people putting their grief together. It's just that her grief. Her sadness is it's so confused to me because it's like I'm sorry that you were a murderer. And I guess you need to deal with that. I guess the car accident and having dad parents, but it just. She was a murderer as a product of her environment, you know, it's like that one shot of everyone gets seven to 10 free murders.
Yeah.
You guys haven't even done a single one yet.
I murdered it. I murdered like three cars. Not intentionally, but I had a few accidents.
And I said, so did you get for my childhood? So, OK, Brian, sorry to interrupt.
So there were so you think she was sort of like like coaxed into a murder? Well, no, I'm saying that I'm like, yeah, she's like a horrible, you know, like murdered a whole bunch of people seemingly kind of for no reason, you know, serial killer kind of shit.
But like, I mean, right off the bat, like the inner the first interaction you see with her in the car and the dad, it's like, oh, this is like not a good combination. And when they're leaving the hospital, like she just like leaves the parents behind and they're like, no, whatever. We didn't really want this kid. Like there's all these very like quiet ways that are like, this is probably a horrible upbringing, like car accident withstanding. Like this was not going to end well for you.
Yeah. I mean. That'll make sense. They weren't that mean. I mean, they were not nice, but like, I hope that if I'm if I'm not hugging my daughter enough, she doesn't kill seven people and have sex with a car, but I guess we'll find out. Yeah, well, then, but maybe that's where it's maybe that's where it comes in that maybe that baby isn't from a car, but maybe a product of rape. Oh, sure. But because I guess she lived with her parents still. Although it's it's clear that that she was impregnated via work, not by a home. So I don't really know. Yeah.
But it does seem like burning her parents alive was an overreaction to what we saw of their admittedly shitty relationship. Yeah, I mean, that first scene, I immediately clocked it as like this dad is having sex with his daughter because of just the way that. Oh, shit. Hated. Yeah, but I feel like, OK, so I actually was so violent. I actually agree with you in some sense. But I also felt like it was this weird thing where she when he checks her or whatever, because her stomach hurts, if you remember.
He's pretty like, I don't want to be doing this. And she's like, no, no, no, keep doing it. And he's the one that's like pulling away. And so that was the thing that was weird for me is I agree with you where he just has one of those faces. It's an unfortunate face to have where you just see that guy and you're like, that guy's doing sex crimes. But don't you think that it was her being like, like, feel the baby in me? And he was like, no, there's nothing there's nothing wrong with you. I don't want to I don't want to.
Yeah, maybe. Yeah, that's a really good point. Yeah. OK, so he's well, now lights as a Cadillac, but like a bat, but like a bad one. I mean, she liked that Cadillac a lot. Also, what their coworkers.
Well, now that well, now that's a weird. OK, that brings up a really interesting through line then, which is it's weird that she is now an adult staying at home. And if she just got pregnant from her dad, I mean. Then they've been sleeping together forever and just suddenly got not suddenly. But you know what I mean? Like and again, she could have had other things, could have had other issues, but it would be weird to be like 30 years old, still living with your parents, still having sex with your dad 20 years later. And now just getting pregnant.
She was like 30. OK, whatever. Say she's 20. I don't think she's 17. No, but I thought she was probably early 20s.
I mean, it's like, you know, like the actor obviously didn't look at it, but it felt like that's kind of what they were going for. Yeah, because like they go, you know, I guess in a way, this movie takes place over like nine months ultimately, right? Because it like really starts when she was pregnant.
And yes, one of the babies cars are quick. Yeah, thank you, Henry Ford. Yeah.
Oh, horse babies always took forever. It was terrible.
I have birthed many a horse, many a car. What haven't I birthed?
And that's the industry. Just yeah, OK, see, I think that's this is always going to be my problem. And I say this as an English major who spent many semesters and years BSing metaphorical content into papers to get A's.
I it's sometimes this one, at least in particular, it does feel constantly like there's more happening than I'm aware of. And there's metaphors going on. And there's things that I'm just not fully grasping. And even as we're talking about it, it's like I agree with you on some level. But then it's it just it never feels as clear as that. Like, again, like the thing like, oh, that's really interesting and totally plausible that it could be her dad's kid.
But then it's like, but then freaking why is it? You know, why is she so old when she gets I mean, again, I get comparatively, but it's just why is she living at home? And I don't know. It's just odd. It's just it's just very, very weird, which I guess.
Well, the housing market right now is pretty tough in general. I assume that's happening in France as well. No, but I feel like she's just deeply entrenched. I think that's like part of the like that's like the shitty thing about abuses. It happens because there's no real recourse.
And so even at whatever age she's supposed to be, she's just like stuck there. She's like all she can do. You know, this job dancing on cars presumably doesn't pay super great. She's got a shower like in an open like it looked like a prison scene. You know what I mean? Like she's there aren't really any high points of her life. Oh, yeah. I it doesn't she doesn't seem to be having a great time.
Give or take a Cadillac one night stand every once in a while. It is. It is nice. So if you're if you're the type to fuck cars, you got to imagine that fucking a fire truck is like top, top tier.
When those things are always locked away, they're little houses. How do you even get in there? Yeah, it's the little houses.
That's actually that's the long gone of this movie. It's actually just one woman's dream, one woman's quest to conquer, to scale the fire truck mountain, to climb that ladder that die, because it's like what else is there? You know, wow.
Who is it? Man and Blake on the name is embarrassing, but who made Titanic pretty much so they could just go down in a submarine and look at Cameron.
He makes almost all of these movies. So he's like Avatar, they're blue.
I'm going out of my sub.
Yeah. That was this that was this movie was made because somebody just wanted to fuck a fire truck. Yep.
That would have been a great ending if they did like the breakfast club, like she walked out of the fire truck. I'm normal now. It gets hit by an ambulance. She's like, ah, that would have been good, too.
Anyway, yeah, obviously, there is a lot of assault stuff implied, again, with the surrogate fire father and just when she gets on the bus to leave, which maybe to your point about her being entrenched, like all those creepy dudes in the back of the bus being like, I'm going to have sex with the front of the bus. Look out. Well, that was also weird, too, because at that point she was ostensibly passing for a man and a and a brawny firefighter at that, though. So when she when she's like kind of making eyes with the with the other woman on a bus, that other woman like like she looked scared and also angry that this dude wasn't making any move to stick up for her. Whereas Alexis or whatever the protagonist's name is just like scared for like multiple reasons, both because she thinks she's about to be a victim and also. And I feel like, you know, car baby. I would I would argue that debatably she is at no point passing with any sort of skill or like. I think it's it's a collective agreement from the fire captain more than it is like if she went to, I don't know.
I don't know why I was going to say Wendy's. I don't know why you'd have to prove what gender you would like to be or like what biological sex you are to win these. The number one's for boys. You don't take your pants off when you go in.
I do. And it is to prove something. But anyway, my only point being that it's entirely possible that that she and or the dudes there because even she was sharing the looks with that woman, potentially being like, oh, maybe we're both in danger here. Anyway, it probably doesn't. I don't know. I don't know that she necessarily thought that she was providing a perfect cover because there are like this is going to be a wild tangent.
But, you know, NPR does these tiny desk concerts and they do a they do a contest every year. It's like to get on the tiny desk concert.
And one of the winners from a few years ago was this transgender man whose song was basically about how he has power now in a way that he didn't when he was ostensibly a woman and viewed as a woman and just this like realizing just the sort of shifting gender dynamics around them. And this movie didn't really explore that like it didn't really go that route. Like you could have seen, well, for one thing, it's almost you. There's actually a lot of transgender woman serial killers in movies, which is kind of it's or like cross-dressing men. So maybe it didn't want to flirt with that. But, you know, like you could have seen an example where she becomes a man and then starts killing people because she's empowered. And then you would have a lot of weird, conflicting, weird, strange metaphors trying to sort all that out. But I don't know, I didn't get the impression that I know Jesse you'd mentioned that there's like sort of a trans allegory in here, obviously, with the with all that stuff. But it's also a little bit confused because it doesn't seem to benefit in a lot of ways.
And also she can't escape her biological sex because she is pregnant and unable to do anything about it or unwilling or whatever. I think I think one of the more kind of subtle themes, like to your point, Jordan, is that like she starts right as completely like a sexual object as an adult. You know, she's like dancing on a car and like people just want her to send their autograph or to have sex with her or whatever. And so as she becomes more and more of a boy, she becomes like the further she gets away from classic like femininity, she becomes more of a human and less of like a monster. Also, women serial killers typically do it for power whereas and like financial gain, whereas male serial killers typically do it for like sexual reasons.
So that would be true in my experience. Yeah. Right. And on the flip side, though, the dad, the new dad, who's constantly doing steroids and stuff and like it's clearly killing him. But then, you know, like the more he allows himself to be like feminine and soft, you know, like ultimately he kind of flips too. Like they both start at like the worst points. You know, the movies are doing. That's interesting. Don't let all that go. Yeah. It is tough, though, even still, it's it's that same thing for me or it's like, OK, if that's what you want to talk about, is that the most woman to be dancing on a car? Like, you know, I mean, I understand what you're saying, but it it I guess it is in like a raw sexuality standpoint. And he, I guess, is like super jacked and like ultimate male sexuality standpoint. It's just yeah, Jack and aging. So he's like getting weaker. Yeah.
Yeah, because I feel like they clearly cast this actress in part because she is a little androgynous just in general. I mean, I know she's like a model and stuff, but she just it's more, I suppose, plausible than if. I don't know. I don't know how who I would pick that wouldn't just sound offensive in some way.
But, you know, it's it was just an interesting all that stuff gets mixed up into this weird thing. And then people are leaking motor or motor oil from their body parts.
And I'm like, I don't want to think about anything. I just want to I just want to die.
But I do think it's like with a lot of movies that we do, as long as Jesse doesn't recommend it is it's fun to just kidding. It's fun to think about after the fact, though, it was not very fun to watch except Starship Troopers, which I think is delightful on both sides. That was an excellent choice, Jesse. And I would like more like that and less like blank man and Adam's Family Values. Well, sorry, pal, you get what you paid for. I think I think, yeah, as far as like what struck me about the like, I'm not necessarily one to pick up on on subtle or interesting things in in films, as we may know from some of the films that are my favorites.
But what struck me as a clear trans allegory was it almost seemed like so she starts at this hypersexualized woman. Then she's like transformed to whatever degree into this like into a boy. You know, does it I guess it doesn't really matter how much she passes, but she's living as a as a young man. But even still, like it seemed clear to me that the idea there was like there is this third thing or it's not just the binary. Like she's she's spent part of her life as a girl or young woman. She's now spending it as a young man. But also she's a car or she's like part she's like part machine or whatever.
And that seemed to me like like just a loud statement of like, you know, the binary doesn't matter. The binary is just important in like how society sees you or whatever, not how you actually are. I don't know if that's I don't know if that'll get me a B or C on my on my bullshit English text. I'm getting a nice I think it's perfectly well reasoned.
It's just it's always that tough thing of like. Is that what the freaking car sex meets? That's I mean, it's just like such an odd. It's so it is an odd. I mean, I mean, the sex with the car also muddies that water. But yeah, no. It's definitely one of those movies where like.
Yeah, you can you can pretty much take as much, you know, interpretation from it as you want. Sure. And it does feel very much so. Like I do see a world, especially, you know, you know, like right in the morning with a cup of coffee, I see a world where this is just kind of like. Like, I don't know. It's like that would look weird on TV on TV. And if we keep it vague enough, you know, you'll assume genius. Right. What people that look like me are like. I and I think I think maybe that's just one of my my primary. And not even really an issue with it necessarily, but it's that kind of thing where it's like.
I have changed over the years to be more of a maximalist than a minimalist and assuming that people don't get things more often than not. And so feeling burdened to oversell things.
I did this with our band back when we were making music all the time. I was like, if we're going to write a we should be writing hooks, we should be writing big ass breakdowns and guitar lines.
Because if I when I subtly introduce like like a like a discord tone, nobody frickin notices. And only I'm saying they're like, guys, did you see that? Did you? Hey, nobody cares.
And so I and I feel this way sometimes with my comedic writing, too, where it's like, you know, in a recent script, Cesare wrote something about pining harder than the Canadian forest or something, which is, again, not a brilliant joke, but it is funny and stupid. And I still felt the need to reference it later just to get that in your head a little bit like that was a joke because and not always like when we do those really, really long ones where it's like two hours long, it's like, but I'm just going to let jokes go. But sometimes I I don't like in movies where they're like, we've we're saying something, but you're not allowed to know what it is. And I get I get the like, oh, well, then you can bring your own interpretation to it. But when it's so it's like hidden under just brutal, gory, it's like, I just want to know what you want me to feel. Because I you know, like, I don't know. And so it's not this is not an accurate or like a fair critique of the movie necessarily, it's very subjective. But it just it's that thing for me where sometimes when I'm interacting with a piece, it's like I also hate when the movie is like, by the way, this movie is about sexism or something.
It looks right in the camera and makes it like a jerk off motion.
But I also would rather I still want there to be something. I like the reward of finding it. And so I just and I actually appreciate this discussion because I think you guys have pulled some stuff out of it that I did not find as I was puking into my coffee mug. But I still wish it I just wish there was a little more. Give me something clear. That's all I wanted. Anyway, just my general thoughts.
Yeah, this movie was I do tend to notice when a movie is kind of more like a play where it's like it's just very heady, you know, it's like very like you're supposed to like think real hard about this and read, you know, like an A.V. Club article after watching it or a crack.com or a video. Video is great. Like comment, subscribe.
But yeah, I don't know. I just yeah, very, very heady. I mean, I totally agree with you. Like it's just it's very heavy, but it's also so gross that it's like, yeah, well, somebody said I want to spend a lot of time in that headspace. Well, it makes me uncomfortable to think too much about. And it's like it's one thing if Lucy F. F. R. R. and friend says that I think the goal of the movie is to be unsettling to make you question yourself, which is very possible. But I also still.
You know, I still wish the violence was serving a clear goal like again, not that saving Private Ryan is like the best movie ever, but the violence and that is is very much to go. They never say. Well, I guess they do a little bit, but there's not a lot of instances where Tom Hanks is like watching a guy bleed out and it's just like war is hell because of the violence.
And I think like that that makes a point for you. I guess the question yourself. That's a good question. Question what?
Like, yeah, I'm not interested in questioning anything about myself. Memories that I might have stuffed deep down. Why I am the way I am. I don't have time for this. I will say it's interesting because for me, I spent a lot of time really like whenever I would engage with a piece of media that like made me feel bad on purpose, I'd be like, why the why? Why did I do that? But now I've that's like my favorite thing because it's such a good barometer for like how well something was executed, right?
Like if you watch a scary movie and like, yeah, you get spooked by the jump scares or whatever, like nothing really happened. But then you watch Hereditary and you're like, I can't sleep. That was like a horror film, you know, like. Yeah, like it's there's it's like I mean, it's like the opposite is with a comedy where like you know, it's good when you can like laugh out loud and you don't have any say over that because the movie wants you to laugh out loud. You know, this movie wanted you to feel like it was kind of inaccessible.
That's true. And that's a good point, which is I think sometimes we can ask too much or too many different strains to be successfully pulled on or whatever.
I'm not mixing my metaphors myself for like a piece of media like we would never have this discussion about a Saw movie, for example, which is ostensibly trying to do a similar thing, which is like, hey, can we make people sad when the dude gets his fingers ripped off or whatever? But there's some way about the way it's presented that it makes you it makes me want something deeper. And it feels like they think they're doing something deeper. But I'm still stuck on the it still feels like, hey, wouldn't it be rad if somebody got their fingers ripped off? But also, it's so much grosser than Saw somehow. Anyway, I think it's really interesting. It's a really good take. Is it now also the draw of saw is like look at all this effort we put into these like effects and violence and like the crazy Rube Goldberg.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just, you know, that like the violence is the point of Saw and it's used to make a point in Titan. That's interesting. Yeah.
But what is the point? Well, OK, now that I'm thinking more about like the first half being violence done upon others and then the second half being more about violence, they're experienced herself or that she does to herself. I don't know. I feel like there could be something there with like you have not that you have two paths. One is murdering people and one is slowly murdering yourself. But it's like if you've got this this like energy in you, the, you know, or maybe the thing is like find your found family and that will help dispel this this evil energy. So you have to neither kill yourself nor others. Maybe. Well, I'm just saying, try it before you go out and kill people.
Find a family, man. Find your own fire father who will accept you despite being very clearly not who you claim to be. Yeah, he will very violently accept you. Yeah. For who he wants you. He wishes you were.
That's problematic. What's that fire simulation? Is that like a real thing? I don't know that that blew my mind because I was like, why even have that in there? What a weird thing. It kind of felt like have you seen it follows? Yes. Yeah. You know how there's like for some reason they just have those fucking weird cell phones that are like literal clams and they're like kind of beepers. It's like what such a weird like random tech thing to include. Right.
You know, this movie already has a hat on a hat. What if we put a smaller hat on top of the second?
Yeah, it's we leave people. Isn't that like Fahrenheit 451 or whatever? Like the whole room is a TV and that type of whatever. I think so. Yeah, it's very like you're right.
It's it's very oh, also maybe we're in the future where the or this is the greatest firefighting force of all time. You're a little bit is also a big like it's a big team. There's like 40 dudes, 30, 40 dudes. It's like they're going to take out some fires. I mean, that's a big I'm just thinking of, you know, obviously, I live in Charlottesville. So any any any time I see more than 10 people in a place, I'm like, wow. But like our our little firehouses have like three trucks each or whatever, and it's still, you know, a couple hundred thousand people in our area or whatever. But I was like, wow, is that also the Capitol building and also like a Wegmans? How is it so big?
I have a friend who he's a he's a fireman in Wyoming, which is pretty pretty rural. So he was just visiting in New York a couple of months ago. And he was just like he was kind of like a dog or like a little kid whenever he'd hear a fire truck, he'd like to work up and be like, look around trying to find it when he when he'd walk by one, he would just be like staring in awe. He's like, do they fly here? I I have a friend like a family friend who has a house in upstate New York, and it's in like a big like midnight population, which for those who don't know, Mennonites are like slightly less Pokemon.
It's just Amish. Yes. Like they're like, yeah, I don't think they're full on. No electricity, if I'm not mistaken. But they definitely are like homespun clothes and a little bit. Yeah, there's more there's more levels. They can like like work at grocery stores or stuff like God.
So my friends, the family friends house is next to a fire station and they have a traditional fire truck, but they also have a Mennonite brigade. And so they crank a big alarm and a bunch of Mennonites on bikes and buckets of water and they like carry their their ladder everywhere. It's your friend. Hi, 911. I have an emergency. Can I get the real fire fighters and not the Mennonites, please? Thank you. Well, yeah, but they have to send a letter if they were the Mennonites, you know. Dear fire station, my house is on fire. Please send buckets.
Cool. Let's see. I don't know if anybody seems like people are just arguing amongst themselves or maybe they're having a good discussion. There's a lot of three large and it's hard to tell, but there are lots of people getting maybe not as much as they were, but people are saying each other's names, which usually is not a that's that's indicative of sadness, but maybe not. Maybe it's a happy time.
So let's unless did either of you have anything big that you were hoping to hit anything more specific? I feel like we kind of covered everything I was interested in. I just thought it was funny when one of the one of the dudes at the fire station like introduces himself as conscience. Fuck was that about? It's a French thing. Is that I get. Yeah, I mean, it was just so like I thought it was going to get real heavy handed.
Like I am character and you are coming. Yeah, I am. You're I'm. Yeah. Yeah, say I'm it and I'm his brother, Ego. Just stay in the firehouse, buddy. I'm super ego. I'm very conscientious. I'm.
No, I think that's cool. Brian, anything else? No, yeah, I don't know.
I liked it. I liked it too, man. I got to say, I thought I was going to hate it. And for much of it, many swaths of it, I did. But overall, I thought it was actually it wasn't just like gore porn. Like, like I kind of heard that it would be.
There seemed to be some sort of commentary, some sort of important. It was gore and porn and gore porn. I think that I will say that the marketing in that regard, I think was very smart because I did like that it was essentially like two different movies that kind of like, you know, crossover. It was kind of like there was a Pixar short that was hyper violent. And then again, we watch like a D-Com original about finding your true family. Yeah, it was a little like she's the man, but with Kill Bill at the beginning. Or yeah. Well, boy, the final scene in Old Boy, where he's like cutting off his tongue.
I'll just take your word for it. Cool. Well, let's do some. Let's do some titles. Some turtles ready. All right.
Here's what I got. I got French Michael Bay.
But now I'm thinking like French Transformers, Transformers, but French. And that's transformers. It should just be transformers parentheses, but like with a French accent. How about what about just transformers? Transformers.
Is that inappropriate? Wow, trans. Wow, that's really delightful.
OK, touch me with your eyes or touch with your eyes, I guess. That's what somebody comes up and tries to touch her. And the bouncers like you can only touch with your eyes.
And I like that line more than French, just based on Firefather. And somebody put oopsie in there and I like to oopsie. So oopsie.
What do you all have? Brian, go anything. Yeah, I have Stabby McGee and the Firefather.
I did put Transformers, the gritty reboot. Hell yeah. Tintin, which is just Tatane and a French accent. And my last one is the sequel to that like weird movie monster trucks. Monster trucks, too. Here we go again.
I'm not. I don't know what that is. You. Oh, you know it.
You've seen the marketing. It's literally like the movie where a film executive's kid was like make a movie where the trucks are monsters and then they. Well, I've seen I've seen Maximum Overdrive, which is much like what you're describing.
Oh, yeah. Oh, we should do that. That one frickin rips. All right, Jesse, what do you got? Oh, my God, it's written down. I got disco at the firehouse.
I feel like we didn't even touch on that. But that was like, that's true. Uh, hold on, hold on. No, no, no, no. OK, dancing with dancing with my big titty son in the firehouse. It sounds like a country. I like like I'll write it down, but like it's put it on the ballot, man.
What do people decide? All right, we got a couple in the in the thing. Or do we? Maybe we don't.
I had a girlfriend who licked my eyeball.
Cars three coming out. Thank you, Ed. Tentacle truck monster. Bryn Kelly, I like Cars 3 coming out.
That's a lot of ooh. You heard us said Michael Bage.
Except that except that like, isn't there already a Cars 3? So. Well, this is a parallel. It's happening at the same time as the Cars 3 we know. Cars 3 has been out for like five years. No, but still in universe and you can't call it Cars 4 because that implies that it happens afterwards.
So I'm with I'm with Bryn Kelly here. It's got a 69% on Rotten Tomatoes. So maybe that is just how it is. That's what Cars 3 was about. He crashed so hard that he came out, if I'm not mistaken. Because that's the that's the one with the infamous like surprisingly badass trailer where he has the like explosive car crash. And it's like cars. Yeah, yeah. And it's like all about him rehabbing. I haven't seen it, but that's what I'm I'm going off of based on. The the new Buzz Lightyear movies trailer kind of reminded me of that. Bryn Kelly. It felt like it was taking itself way more seriously than it had any right to. Yeah. Well, it's it's like it's like one of the animators like design this scene. It was like, guys, I'm like, oh, shit, I guess that's the trailer.
Do we have to make the rest of the movie like this? I guess I just don't do. We got to make Cars 3. Oh, man, can I can I just say, you know how my I hate long movies? Hey, I also hate loud movies.
So I was just in a theater yesterday and they had they had a trailer for the Downton Abbey movie, which I think came out a couple of years ago. Yeah, they're really good at like. OK, but like the trailer, they were treating it like it was a freaking Marvel movie. They had these like huge, loud, dramatic sounds. And all they were doing is opening like a weirdly embroidered little book or something like that. So did you see the part where it's like it's all the character names and then it transitions to like the actor names.
You're like, oh, my God, Miss Darcy. Oh, she's in this shit. Yeah, I thought that was funny. And all those like sweeping shots of the of the freaking mansion or whatever, like it was Avengers headquarters or whatever. Right. Yeah, it's like also very clearly CG.
That's not a real mansion. It looks it looks real janky.
But they're like, we've got that BBC budget baby. Yeah. Yep.
Anyway, keep it down. Keep movies short and keep them quiet. OK, maybe you wouldn't like everything everywhere else at once, although next week we're going to be watching Sonic the Hedgehog 2, which is probably as much unlike this movie as any movie that we will ever watch on this.
But we're also going to have Carolyn Page to guest star. And we chose it because it is about a video game character and she knows about video games. And that's all the connection we need. And Brian. Yeah, she writes a lot of great video game stuff. Brian has sex with cars. And so that's why Brian's our guest this week. You know, we just we like to keep it all tied together.
OK, have you ever seen the Internet phenomenon that is dragons having sex with cars? Oh, my God. Yeah. Mm hmm. Wow. That's just a whole genre of illustrators who just draw very graphic depictions of dragons having sex with cars. Yeah. Highly recommend.
We'll pop that in our in the in the community feed. I feel like I have to I'm like my fingers dangling over the end stream button. You're like, have we have we opened up something that we can't close back?
Anyway, uh, great, Brian. Thanks for coming on. I appreciate it. Hell yeah, Brian.
You tend to be behind the scenes doing stuff editing things. So it's good to get you in front of the camera once again. Yeah, where can we find you? I know that you are not really anywhere, but if we wanted to, you've got some stuff, you got tiktoks and. Yeah, you can go by slacking off everywhere.
Yeah, man, still over there on Twitter. And I'm also on Twitter at underscore underscore breeding. And there's the thing that I read all the time, which is we're live streaming every Monday at one p.m.
Eastern until we decide this is a bad idea, which may be coming sooner than we realize. But please subscribe to crack movie club here. But also we do like an audio version on Spotify and Apple podcast and all stuff. We've also got a newsletter. You can sign up for that at crack.com slash movie club. I think sometimes the link doesn't work. So don't hold me to that. We've also got a discord if you're interested in that. And, you know, we make a lot of videos and stuff. There's also articles.
That's pretty much it. See you next week for Sonic the Hedgehog 2, the greatest the movie that ended Jim Carrey's career. What a highly what a bang to go out on. All right. That's it.
Bye, everyone. Bye. See you.
Here we go again. I'm not. I don't know what that is. You. Oh, you know it.
You've seen the marketing. It's literally like the movie where a film executive's kid was like, make a movie where the trucks are monsters and then they. Well, I've seen I've seen maximum overdrive, which is much like what you're describing.
Oh, yeah. Oh, we should do that. That one frickin rips. All right, Jesse, what do you got? Oh, my God, it's written down. I got disco at the firehouse.
It's stupid. Picture this panic at the thought of human intimacy.
I feel like we didn't even touch on that, but that was like that's true. Uh, hold on. Hold on.
No, no, no, no, no. OK, dancing with dancing with my big titty son in the firehouse. It sounds like a country, like like I'll write it down, but like it's put it on the ballot, man. What do people decide? All right. We got a couple in the in the thing.
Or do we? Maybe we don't.
I had a girlfriend who licked my eyeball.
Cars three coming out. Thank you, Ed. Tentacle truck monster. Bryn Kelly, I like Cars 3 coming out.
That's a lot of ooh. You heard us said Michael Bage.
Except that except that, like, isn't there already a Cars 3? So. Well, this is a parallel. It's happening at the same time as the Cars 3. We know Cars 3 has been out for like five years. No, but still in universe. And you can't call it Cars 4 because that implies that it happens afterwards. So I'm with I'm with Bryn Kelly here. It's got a 69 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. So maybe that is just how it is. That's what Cars 3 was about.
He crashed so hard that he came out, if I'm not mistaken. Because that's the that's the moment the infamous like surprisingly badass trailer where he has the like explosive car crash.
And it's like cars. Yeah, yeah. And it's like all about him rehabbing. I haven't seen it, but that's what I'm I'm going off of based on. The new Buzz Lightyear movies trailer kind of reminded me of that. Bryn Kelly is it felt like it was taking it away more seriously than it had any right to. Yeah. Well, it's like it's like one of the animators like design this scene. It was like, guys, and I'm like, oh, shit, I guess that's the trailer.
Do we have to make the rest of the movie like this? I guess I just don't. Do we got to make Cars 3?
Oh, man, can I can I just say, you know how my I hate long movies? Hey, I also hate loud movies.
So I was just in a theater yesterday and they had they had a trailer for the Downton Abbey movie, which I think came out a couple of years ago. Yeah, they're really good at like. OK, but like the trailer, they were treating it like it was a freaking Marvel movie. They had these like huge, loud, dramatic sounds. And all they were doing is opening like a weirdly embroidered little book or something like that. So did you see the part where it was like, because it's all the like character names and then it transitions to like the actor names.
You're like, oh, my God, Miss Darcy. Oh, she said this. Yeah, I thought that was funny.
And all those like sweeping shots of the of the freaking mansion or whatever. Like it was Avengers headquarters or whatever. Right. Yeah, it's like also very clearly CG. That's not a real mansion. It looks it looks real janky.
But they're like, we've got that BBC budget, baby. Yeah. Yep.
Anyway, keep it down. Keep movies short and keep them quiet. OK, maybe you wouldn't like everything everywhere at once, although next week we're going to be watching Sonic the Hedgehog 2, which is probably as much unlike this movie as any movie that we will ever watch on this.
But we're also going to have Carolyn Page to guest star. And we chose it because it is about a video game character and she knows about video games. And that's all the connection we need. And Brian. Yeah, she writes a lot of great video game stuff. Brian has sex with cars. So that's why Brian's our guest this week. You know, we just we like to keep it all tied together.
OK, have you ever seen the Internet phenomenon that is dragons having sex with cars? Oh, my God. Yeah. Mm hmm. Wow. That's just a whole genre of illustrators who just draw very graphic depictions of dragons having sex with cars. Yeah. Highly recommend.
Yeah, we'll pop that in our in the community feed. I feel like I have to I'm like my fingers dangling over the end stream button. We like have we have we opened up something that we can't close back?
Um, anyway, uh, great, Brian. Thanks for coming on. I appreciate it. Hell yeah, Brian.
You tend to be behind the scenes doing stuff, editing things. It's good to get you in front of the camera once again. Yeah. Where can we find you? I know that you are not really anywhere, but if we wanted to, you've got some stuff. You got tiktoks and. Yeah, you can.
I go by slacking off everywhere. So is that an underscore? Just one word slacking off. Wonderful. Jesse, if I if that username is taken, I'm not using your platform. Suck it on.
And there's the thing that I read all the time, which is we're live streaming every Monday at one p.m. Eastern until we decide this is a bad idea, which may be coming sooner than we realize. But please subscribe to Crack Movie Club here. But also we do like an audio version on Spotify and Apple podcast and all stuff. We've also got a newsletter. You can sign up for that at crack.com slash movie club. I think sometimes the link doesn't work. So don't hold me to that. We've also got a discord if you're interested in that. And, you know, we make a lot of videos and stuff. There's also articles.
That's pretty much it. See you next week for Sonic the Hedgehog 2, the greatest the movie that ended Jim Carrey's career. What a highly what a bang to go out on. All right. That's it. Bye, everyone. Bye. |
Wizards_with_Guns | what_i_m_actually_doing_when_i_say_i_m_busy | Hi, I'm here to see mr. Henderson about my promotion. I made an appointment. Yes Mr. Mueller, right? I'm sorry, sir. Mr. Henderson's all tied up at the moment really Because he doesn't seem that busy. I assure you sir.
He's very busy Yeah, I'm not doing anything right now Sure, I can talk to anyone. What it's a very important phone call. That's not even a phone. That's a calculator He's crunching some numbers.
No, actually. Yeah. No, okay.
He's literally waving me in Needs to be alone right now. He's doing things that specifically require two people how shall he's playing chess You can play chess with yourself, sir on this seesaw Mmm, I'm so sorry. He's dealing with an emergency. No, he's not. Oh He he's he's using the I Mean, I guess I can no wait Look, he's still waving me in sir.
If you had just made an appointment. I already made one.
It's for now Now is a bad time sir, he's just got too much on his plate. Oh, right cuz cuz yeah He's making pancakes now. He is so clearly free. Sorry, sir He's bitten off more than he could chew for today.
Oh my god.
He's choking He's begging me to save him I'm going in sure you cannot Sure, if you would just assaulted me and he's choking I'm calling security We're busy damn it Looks like he's not doing anything right now. Oh perfect If you would so kindly hit like subscribe in the notification bell as well as our subreddit patreon twitter tik-tok and instagram That would be just great |
cracked | the_fever_dream_where_david_lynch_almost_directed_fast_times_ | Did you know we almost lived in a world where David Lynch directed Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Yeah, that David Lynch and that comedy classic, Ridgemont High. If you don't know, David Lynch began his film career directing indie bizarro Fast Eraserhead, followed by an Oscar nomination for the poignantly warped Elephant Man. So it was pretty weird when a film executive tapped him on the shoulder and said, David, we think number three should be Fast Times at Ridgemont High. But that's exactly what happened. Universal exec Tom Mount was the genius who believed that Lynch was the guy to helm Cameron Crowe's coming of age classic and Mount enlisted Crowe to help him convince the director to take the gig. Crowe told Variety on the film's 35th anniversary that he had a meeting with Lynch, who then read the script and got back to him. Crowe said he was very, very sweet about it, but slightly perplexed we thought of him. He said, this is a really nice story, but it's not really the kind of thing that I do. But good luck. He got into his white VW bug and drove off. |
cracked | needlessly_elaborate_movie_schemes_yboc_minority_report_the_prestige | Eat your heart out, okay, go. Oh, hey there nerds. I've got your highly detailed results right here.
And my name is Dr. Jordan of the House Breeding. First of his name, the unwashed, king of the sandals and the okay chin. King of screens, call of one great ass pee pee protector of myself, region apologist of the lucky number, Slevin, breaker of dances and father of one kid, so cute she'll make your eyes fall out, but please, call me Jordan.
You're watching another deeply intricate episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show where people keep telling me movies don't have to be as logical as I seem to want them to be, and the only show on crack, edited by physically cutting and splicing 35 millimeter film. Today, I diagnose. Alright, let's face it, if I was in a movie, most of my plans wouldn't get any further than pooping my pants and begging for mercy, and that's why I'm always the first to praise movie characters when they actually come up with a solid elaborate plan that does not end with a wet face and or diaper. But that said, sometimes these movie schemes are way longer, way more convoluted than they ever should logically be.
The elders in M Night Shyamalan's The Village one day so had it with 70s disco and mustachio porn stars that they just up and leave civilization behind to start a new community in the woods. They get rid of all present day technology and pretend that their new settlement exists in the 1800s and to ensure that their children are never seduced by the outside world, and it's Harry Potter books and meth fueled orgies and meth fueled Harry Potter themed orgies. The parents take turns pretending to be freaky monsters who attack anybody who tries to leave. Eventually one of the kids stabs another kid out of horned dog jealousy and the only way the wounded teenager will survive is with modern medicine, but of course anybody who ventures into the modern world to grab some penicillin will inevitably see a bowjangle and refuse to return to their life of chewy medicine and grass pies. The elders solve this problem by sending a blind girl because she can nab the medicine without ever being in danger of seeing any horseless carriages whizzing by or a trailer for a movie. Remember when we used to have those?
But shockingly, sending a random blind girl into the woods to scrounce for Advil isn't quite as foolproof as you'd think. To start, the dudes tasked with accompanying her immediately abandon her because they're terrified of the monsters nobody told them were fake. So when the jealous guy shows up to stop her, she just has to outrun him and hope she doesn't get stabbed or fall in a hole, which is sort of tough because, you know, the eyes don't work good. Except literally any of the elders could have grabbed a walking stick and got the medicine themselves. They know the monsters aren't real. The one the girl deals with is just a mentally ill Adrien Brody trying to have sex with her. He wouldn't try that on his parents, probably. There aren't different types of love. Also, the elders know the layout of the forest and aren't, and this is super crucial, blind.
You notice the worst chance of being seduced by the sultry sounds of 2004 and all of its chart-topping Black Eyed Peas album? Someone who hasn't had an erection since the Nixon administration. I'm guilty, Robert!
Minority Report is a story about pumping sad children full of drugs until they can see the future. Might as well be called Elon Musk's basement. The movie. They're sleeping. By the time the movie starts, the pre-crime program is still in beta, and the three pre-cogs only predict future murders in the greater Washington, D.C. area while floating in kiddie pools full of pre-ca... something. Thanks to the kids' horrific unceasing nightmares, nobody has been murdered in years, and everything seems to be going great for everybody except, I guess, the drug children.
But all that changes when Tom Cruise's character is accused of murdering some dude he's never met before, and he determines to find out if these coked-out vampires ever get a prediction wrong. During his quest, Cruise learns of the murder of a woman named Anne Lively from years earlier. The police had captured her initial attempted murderer, but as it turns out, there was a second killer who arrived only moments after the first and murdered her in an identical pattern to the original would-be killer. They were so similar, the police thought the pre-cogs were having echoes and just threw out the second murder vision. Except twist! It turns out that the second murderer was the director of pre-crime, and the woman was a pre-cog's mom that wanted her kid back, so the director devised this sneaky way to kill her before she ruined his program. What he did brilliantly exploited this system, at least until he messed with Tom Cruise, and as we all know, you should never mess with Cruise's, especially during a pandemic.
However, there is one way he could have avoided the Cruise entirely. Again, the pre-cog program literally only works in Washington, D.C. If the director had attempted to murder her literally anywhere else, he could have gone away with it. Pre-cogs couldn't predict a drowning occurrence, say, Camden Yards and, I don't know, the third urinal stall from the right and something like the club section bathroom, just as an example. At the end of the movie, the pre-cogs are given a happy life of not dreaming about murder by getting dumped way out in the middle of nowhere away from people and their salacious thoughts. The range is limited, such that he could have grabbed her, driven outside the city limits, and, I mean, you know, murder her or whatever.
I know it sounds like I know a lot about murdering people, but I promise things have changed a lot since I was actively studying this stuff. Well, let's say that I did spend an awful lot of time in the prison library. The director of pre-crime surely knew the pre-cognitive range of his little future seekers, but still devised this insane scheme, which ultimately leaves behind an abundance of evidence and, ironically, a whole bunch of murders.
Gosh, are you okay?
The emotional turning point of Fast and Furious is the brutal, but also soon-to-be retconned murder of Dom's main girl, Letty. Dom had recently left his girlfriend to protect her from crime, I guess. And to the surprise of exactly nobody, Letty, an insanely talented street racer and highly competent criminal, forgoes, getting a barista job and immediately turns to the life of crime she'd never left to support herself without Dom and his improbably thick neck. Shut up! Letty goes all in on the crime, skipping over growing her own pot or smuggling fidget spinners and diving straight into the heroin trade. 20% angle. Her boss's recruitment plan is to hold street races and offer spots on his heroin-running team to the winners, and Letty, of course, wins the tryout race. But what she doesn't know is that the drug lord, Braga, only has his drivers run heroin a couple of times before capping them in the head, ensuring the location of his secret tunnel route never leaks. It's the perfect crime.
Right on. Except, this plan requires Braga to host a massive street race every couple of weeks with enough attention to attract drivers talented enough to pull off the precise drive-in required to navigate his route. But doesn't anybody notice that the winners of these races disappear a few weeks after their win? Surely word gets around these are some of the best and most notorious drivers in the world. And at this point, Letty herself has already been involved in several major heists that warranted FBI attention. And the series makes very clear that Dom's gang are almost supernaturally gifted rumors, so how long is it before Braga exhausts his supply of competent drivers? After a few runs, he's going to be recruiting from the delivery team at the local Jimmy John's. Now, that's what I call real driving.
Now, that's bull****. Just pay them well or something. They're professional criminals. Stop micromanaging them and let them do their job. I'm tired of all these disrespectful bosses who don't trust me to run heroin without flipping. I ain't no rat.
The prestige follows the epic bitter rivalry between two grown up. This is literally their only job magicians, Robert Angier and Alfred Borden. After a few years of screwing with each other's acts, Borden comes out with a new trick called the Transported Man. Wherein he seemingly transports from one side of the room to the other instantaneously. Angier cannot figure out how Borden pulls this off, but he makes it his mission to one day come up with a better version. According to the prestige, a magician's life is like one third tricks, maybe two thirds overwhelming obsession and vengeance, and then maybe just a little rubber ball play thrown in.
And then I'll be gone.
Fortunately, Angier meets Nikola Tesla, who just happens to have built a big ass cloning machine in the 1890s. Angier uses this ex machina at every gig, duplicating himself and killing the most recent original Angier via a trap door, drowning his former self in a water tank under the stage. Angier then lugs his drowned clones to a big warehouse for safekeeping, or maybe just to look at them and talk about his day, I guess. Thankfully, each new clone has all of Angier's memories, along with his penchant for card tricks and his winning Hugh Jackman-y smile. So it's almost like he never drowned horribly at all. But at what point does Angier realize he doesn't need to keep duplicating himself and just use the same duplicate over and over? It's got his memories and stuff, so it wouldn't take too much convincing to get his clone to participate in this very simple plan. After all, Angier consistently chooses magic over anything else in his life. It'll take two seconds before his clone would say, oh, not just lots of fame, but lots and lots of fame, and I don't have to drown? Well, consider me and me. When he learns that Borden's version of the trick utilizes his twin brother, aka nature's all-natural clones, it blows Angier's magical mind. Why is Angier never considered that? Hell, he could make three or four clones and do an even crazier transportation trick with him showing up under people's seats and beside them at the third urinal stall from the right. Of course, Angier would never consider this. He's the kind of magician that would surgically graft a coin to the back of your skull just so it could pry it from behind your ear.
All righty, discussed the timeless sex appeal of the Black Eyed Peas, mentioned Christian Bale's rubber balls, confirmed that I am indeed not a rat. I think that's it. Be sure to talk to Kathy on your way out to pick up some drugs for your Will.I.Am fetish. Good luck with that.
Hey guys, thanks for watching that video. I really appreciate you watching it.
We're hoping to make a whole lot of these. So if you could hit the subscribe button, if you could maybe just ding a little bell so that you get the notifications when we find out new videos. I promise we'll make them funny. We'll make them good. Please do it. |
TheOnion | Paul_Ryan_Spending_Final_Day_Of_Campaign_Reminding_Homeless_People_They_Did_This_To_Themselves | War for the White House, on the front lines of election 2012, brought to you by 7-11-7 election. Unbiased, fair, extremely caffeinated, only then. Seizing the final moments of the campaign, Republican Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan hit the streets of Columbus, Ohio to visit with the city's homeless and clarify his economic position that they did this to themselves and have no one else to blame.
Maggie Holbrook has the story. Maggie. Thanks Andrea.
Paul Ryan started his day before dawn at the St. Alexis soup kitchen, serving meals to over 50 homeless men and women, reportedly whispering, you didn't pay for any of this, to each of them individually. I met him. I mean, this guy comes all the way out here from Washington out in the cold and he shakes me personally by the face and shouts, it's not my job to help you. He took time to yell, lazy, lazy, lazy in my face. He didn't have to do that. Congressman Ryan continued his morning at a local public school where he scolded a six year old black girl about the dilapidated state of her school building. Now he's headed to a local hospital where he'll tour the ICU and personally pull the plug on elderly patients draining our already strapped Medicare program.
Wow. Maggie, if Paul Ryan is tired from slapping change cups out of homeless veterans hands, he's certainly not showing it. You get the sense that after months of stumping and televised debates, this is where he wants to be, among the downtrodden and helpless, convincing them that they deserve 100% of the situation they're in. All right. Thank you so much, Maggie. Starting in with the other side, we go to Wilmington, Delaware, where a confident Joe Biden is voting as quickly as possible. So no one thinks he's masturbating in the voting booth. |
TheOnion | 6_Year_Old_Data_Entry_Prodigy_Already_Entertaining_Offers_From_Major_Temp_Agencies | Tech Trends, brought to you by Starbucks DoubleShot. It's the story that's stunning the tech world.
Despite his age, six-year-old data entry prodigy Jeffrey Peters is already entertaining offers from dozens of major temp agencies. Experts say Jeffrey's ability to sit still and perform mind-numbing tasks in Excel and Word for hours on end rank with a freelance worker three times his age. But Jeffrey's mom says that she knew he was special from early on. I've always thought that Jeffrey was different from the other kids. He started wearing glasses for computer strain when he was just three and a half, and he already has some pretty significant tendonitis. I've always wanted to work at Maverick Recruiting. The data entry whiz is at the center of a bidding war between industry titans like Workforce Solutions and Metropolitan Staffing, both offering lavish perks like starting salaries of up to $15,000 and a cramped cubicle shared with only two other temps. The way that Jeffrey never complains about lower back pain and always eats lunch at his desk is astounding for someone his age. We'll do anything short of giving him benefits or a full-time position to get him on our team. Jeffrey's parents say that given the generous offers he's already received, he could be well on the way to affording a dingy rundown apartment of his own. I'm going to live in a studio and microwave all my meals. Recruiters also noted that Jeffrey is so far ahead of the curve that he could soon start showing actual signs of clinical depression at being stuck in a dead-end temp job for the rest of his life. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_20_6_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | The day is Thursday the 20th of June, you're here with editor Clancy Overill, I'm joined by editor-at-large Errol Parker, hello, and of course Wendell Hussey, the cadet turned news reader, the Brooke Boney, Richard Moorcroft, what have you of the Diamantina Shire, what's going on Wendell? Hello, hello, we'll start off with some good news for our great state of Queensland this week. The economic trickle down from Adani has already begun with an Indian robot ordering a Chico roll down into Mackay server. That is great news, Senator Canavan came out and said that was great news to hear so soon after they'd signed off and got the final environmental green light for Adani because there was a lot of pressure on the government after the original 100,000 jobs shrunk to I believe below 1,000 for unskilled central Queenslanders. Well it is nice to see these robots are spending their money in the local communities up there. Today it was a Chico roll, tomorrow it might be a jet ski down Hunts Marine or it might be a houseboat. Yeah, yeah, it's going straight back into the community, you're right, and the actual robot was heard saying as he was leaving the Mackay BP, beep beep and some sauce love, thanks, beep beep, which is off to a great start up there isn't it Wendell? Yeah, it's doing very well but a commenter of ours, Daniel Robert has actually criticised that robot saying he's really disappointed that it doesn't drive a lime green Maloo Ute and have a Facebook photo of it catching a giant fucking snapper that it just caught off the coast.
Now moving on to a bit of a grimmer economic story and the government is getting on the front foot this week with Josh Frydenberg blaming the retail recession on the fucking Barefoot investor. Yes, and in fact if you read the Barefoot investors book effectively what he's saying to you is the only retail decision you should be making is to buy his next book. So I mean I guess he's created a bit of a market for himself, a bit of a vortex but yes Frydenberg did admit that we are in a full blown retail recession, they thought that handballed the impending recession to labour but actually they went and won that election so now they've got to blame Barefoot. Yeah I think to really kick start the economy now I would say that all those Barefoot people out there really need to get their Splurge card out and give the economy a bit of a kick start. As Frydenberg said, he said do away with that Splurge account, get rid of that orange card, run the ball up, get a credit card, go hard, spend money. Yeah hopefully that fixes things up for the economy.
Moving on to a bit of local news now and we spoke to a man this week who used a vague commitment to go to the gym to justify a mid arvo servo snack. Very very local news there, what spurred this decision and did he get to the gym later in the week? It is Thursday now. It has been a couple of days and we haven't been able to touch base with him regarding that promised gym trip but it was spurred on after a big weekend. He was feeling like shit, rolling home after a tough Monday, doing his best to look busy and he decided he wanted a little pick me up. What did he go for? I think he went for the new Maxibon double handle. Yeah if there's one thing that gets me through a terrible Tuesday, it's a double handed Maxibon.
It's like a midweek penga really isn't it and I don't think it was that bad of a decision in the end. Speaking of, there was a very bad decision and that was made by a mate famous for making appalling decisions announcing he just bought a jeep. Yep and as it turns out in the comments there were lots of people who own jeeps and as this newspaper seems to attract the bottom rung, the bottom draw of this nation that doesn't surprise me. Yes there were people defending jeeps and there were also people criticising their friends for making that decision.
Valued reader Chad Smith wrote that jeeps are actually the only car finance companies never repossess. By the time you get your jeep five kilometres home it's worth less than the cost of a tow truck and a stand over guy. Very very good Chad. Yes they're very expensive lemons.
Sports news now and we're on basketball with Lamello Ball picking up a few shifts at Port Kembla Steelworks to supplement his NBL salary. Of course this comes after the 17 year old youngest member of the basketball dynasty in America decided he wasn't going to go to college and would like to get paid for that one year of basketball that they tend to play before they go pro and he's decided on the NBL in what many people in our town have described as a hilarious hilarious decision and a hilarious turn of events. I have heard that NBL players don't get paid that much so I guess that's why he's going to have to do a few night shifts at the Steelworks to really put that good premium unleaded in that 1997 Hyundai Excel he's going to be driving. Yes well Lamello Ball did tell porters that he's already joined the footy comp at the Blue Scope Steelworks down there in South Wollongong Port Kembla and he's joined the union as well which is good. He just didn't envision spending his year off between school and the NBA with piss cutting Macedonian steelworkers down there but he's on the front foot and he doesn't mind getting a schnitzel burger at Chico's.
Disgusting.
Anyway, that is great news for the sport of basketball which doesn't often have great news in this country so we'll finish on that positive note. Thank you for tuning in whether that may be on the radio or through the Diamond Tina podcast network. Join us again next week for another wrap up of what's been happening around the town, around the country and around the world.
Until then, I'm Wendell Hussey. And I'm Glad you're over all. And I'm Harold Parker. Good bye. |
dropout | the_hottest_girl_ever_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show, the show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan And today we are drawing the hottest girl. The hottest girl suggested by uh-huh.
Someone named Kaka John Jay. John Jay.
I'm gonna let Nathan take over while I explain some things You're all in big trouble. Yeah But what I should say is that if you've been following the show on the College Humor channel You'll notice we changed it a little bit Today we are starting a new thing where this show will be its own entity Called the Drawfee Show and then we'll also be posting new Morning Drawfee's every Monday on the YouTube channel. On the YouTube Drawfee channel. So while you're watching Nathan craft this beautiful Beautiful woman.
The hottest. The hottest woman you've ever seen Kaka, I know for sure Kaka.
Oh That's your real name. I'm sorry for making fun of you. Uh-huh. Well, their profile picture is a car So I think they might be a car. Oh, okay, so I think you're fine Oh cars don't have feelings. That's a perfectly admirable name for a car. Mmm, but But I should mention that we are as I said, we're doing this show We're also doing shows on the Drawfee channel. So go to YouTube.com backslash Drawfee and check it out There's gonna be a link in the in the description on this video Especially if you like these videos if you don't like these videos and find them the fact that they're slightly different than other videos to be irritating then Don't don't watch them. Yeah, then you can fuck a duck You can uh-huh. That's all I'm saying in some states Is encouraged the good ones and the good yeah, uh-huh states of mind. Mm-hmm mine all the time so this looks Surprised suspiciously like not a woman. Yeah, hold on. Here we go.
We got oh You gave the chin in the wrong spot, that's what boobs are right? They're just like boobs are boobs are basically like Oh Women's lower chin. It's like Jay Leno chin, but for your your chest right for your chest Yeah, Jay Leno's chin was meant to be his boobs I mean like you could literally just draw a giant buzz light your face right on there and that would look great I don't think you should do that.
No, no I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Okay, so this is I never Let's give her a little bit of a booty and my fantasy coming true and Here it is legs Man, I'm hot and bothered already. Did someone turn the temperature up or is it just my boner? Okay, my boner is your boner is prehensile and able to turn up temperature Okay, shrink it down. Right shrink it down, right? I don't like I don't like them too big That's what you wanna kaka.
Does this hmm? Is it is this what drives you your damn car? Yeah, now you learn to use YouTube you car Pissed off at you.
Okay. Nice. Yeah, that's working.
Uh-huh Okay, I just can't wait to see the face can we can I draw a face please? Yes you call Well, I left the face specifically for you to there's something in in my in my heart of mine I see in your mind. I see this face your mind of hearts.
Okay, but cosmic paragon is like a pretty attractive female figure I think put some clothes on her. Yeah, but good. Well, she's got to be hot Yeah, so she's she must be wearing a fur a full fur coat So like we give everyone a little taste what she looks like underneath. Yeah, just so you know, but she is wearing it We're gonna be the hottest. Mm-hmm Gonna want yeah, she's wearing full a mink if you will perhaps a stable mink Oh, she probably you know, and it's it's not cruel because she killed the animal. We'll see free. That's hot to me that's hot is she still like Does she think about it? Does she the blood on her hands the blood the blood courses?
I don't know. Like do you know what a mink is? It's not very hard to kill It's not like you have to hunt them down I think you could like just pick it up by the tail and like swing it. I don't know that if they're if they're feral They're probably I don't actually know much about minks. Are they like of is it like a ferret or a weasel or a pine mart? Yeah, I think I think they're all sort of that weasel or a stoat.
I'm not done. Okay, keep keep keep going. I'm done actually I thought you might be I know I know I read the Redwall books as a kid So I know a lot of names for for Rodentia. Yeah, the Rodentia family. Mm-hmm. It's just I'm impressed That that you read some books as a kid know that I know so that you that you remember things from Yeah, aren't you impressed that I remember super impressive? Yeah. So here we go. She's she's gonna be very warm This you know what this this hot lady is impressive.
I know things and I don't know what you got in this hand. I don't know. I'm gonna give I'm gonna give it over to you I don't know. I'm gonna give I'm gonna give it over to you.
Let me draw this hand and that's pretty good So she's just you know, she's got she's got some lady parts. I'm like And she's really hot cuz she's wearing this big big puffy. Hey, you know puffy coat. You know what's under there That's right. Um feminine parts feminine parts. All right, so I guess Let me go ahead a little smaller Petite as it were I'm gonna go ahead and add the hand here holding You know what obvious her weapon that she used to kill this mink. Oh, that's so yeah, so it's gonna get nice crossbow Oh, yeah, nothing hotter than that nothing hotter than a than a woman who's physically uncomfortable because of how warm the coat She's wearing is also Holding a cross a medieval weapon. Yeah, she's hot because of the coat But also cuz this is crossbows very heavy very heavy and just physical exertion while wearing Something that doesn't breathe very well like a like a fur coat I like to mention that the in the inside of the third the fur coat is is lined with so sweaty with like a Pleather type Material it's insulating. It's it's super insulate. It's like what it is.
Is it's you know, that pink stuff in your attic. It's that Those of you who have attics, uh-huh. Sorry. I didn't throw my attic privilege around Yeah, I don't have an attic, but I assume there's pink stuff in all attics.
It's true Well, that is it. That's a crossbow. Yeah, I don't know where like the I guess like this It's it's no just goes a it just goes across Like that. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You're right And then they pull you pull it back to get it to get it you want wind it All right, that's good enough on that. That's great. Now.
What what's this? What's this babes? What's gonna push this thing?
From hot this lady friggin nuclear. I'll tell you what frickin Freakin the hottest she's got she's got to have one pretty hot head Yeah, let's get that shape in there like that and then like in this little mm-hmm chin Oh, yeah action and then of course the teeth are gonna be wet. Yeah, you don't see all those Call away why she has so many protruding teeth a nice, you know a subtle chin You don't want a woman. Well, you're drawing a human skull. Uh-huh I Guess you're right baby. I can say all your beauty is on the inside. She just she doesn't have any skin This is what the inside of her looks like You wanted kaka kaka try and drive away. I know you're a sentient car I know your secret fix fix that neck.
I would don't worry. Okay. Oh Don't worry. This is just phase one my friend.
Okay good cuz I mean, I know if you I made the neck weird I know you you're you're allowed to You adjust you and everyone at home is probably think I'm like, well, how can this get hotter? How could this get any hotter? I already know quote clad Crossbow wielding. Yeah, I've already all skull having skull duggery skull having duggery So yeah, like lady you're thinking like I've already got this bones already boning me up as it were Whoa, that is hot. It's very hot. She's she's burning up.
You don't come to this channel for subtlety Hell no You come to it for you trolley trolley wordplay come to me come to it so we can say fuck you you wasted your time Fuck you, please subscribe Just if you wanted to see You I guess I guess the just watch porn. Yeah, it's true. Don't expect us to draw your porn for you We do that. This is a prison This isn't prison. You got cigarettes for me You're gonna be my bitch Are you? Who's it did subscribe to the channel to be my bitch youtube.com backslash Drawfee? Click anywhere on this image to subscribe or go to the link in the comments link in the remember description This is our new showed the Drawfee show which is gonna be on the College Humor channel But if you want more Drawfee stuff go check us out on youtube.com backslash Drawfee There's gonna be a new morning Drawfee every Monday and a whole slew of programming to follow that I'm gonna go pin this up in my prison cell not not unless I do it first Well, I guess I have to shoot you hubba hubba Doesn't breathe very well like a like a fur coat I like to mention that the in the inside of the third the fur coat is is lined with so sweaty with like a a pleather type Material it's insulating. It's it's super insulate. It's like what it is.
Is this you know that pink stuff in your attic. It's that Those of you who have attics, huh? I'm sorry. I didn't throw my attic privilege around I mean, I don't have an attic, but I assume there's pink stuff in all attics.
It's true That's a crossbow, yeah, I don't know where like the I guess like this it's it's no just goes a it just goes across That yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right And then they pull you pull it back to get it to get it you hot wind it all right That's good enough on that. That's great. Now.
What what's this? What's this babes? What's gonna push this thing?
From hot this is this lady in nuclear. I'll tell you what frickin It's gonna be the hottest. She's got she's got to have one pretty hot head.
Yeah Shape in there like that and then like in this little mm-hmm chin Oh, yeah action, and then of course the teeth are gonna be wet. Oh, yeah, you don't see all those Call it why she has so many protruding teeth nice, you know a subtle chin You don't want a woman. Well, you're drawing a human skull. Uh-huh Baby I can say all your beauty is on the inside. She just she doesn't have any skin of her looks like You wanted caca caca try and drive away. I know you're a sentient car I know your secret fix the fix that neck.
I would don't worry. I'm okay. Oh, don't worry This is just phase one my friend.
Okay good cuz I mean, I know if you admit I made the neck weird I know you you're you're allowed to You adjust you and everyone at home is probably think I'm like, well, how can this get hotter? How could this get any hotter? I already wrote clad Crossbow wielding. Yeah, I've already skull having skullduggery skull having duggery So yeah, like lady you're thinking like I've already got this bones already boning me up as it were No, but oh gosh Fire that is hot. It's very hot. That's She's she's burning up.
You don't come to this channel for subtlety. Hell no you come to it for Trolley trolley wordplay come to me come to it so we can say fuck you you wasted your time. Fuck you Please subscribe just if you wanted to see You I guess I guess just watch porn. Yeah, that's true. Don't expect us to draw your porn for you We do that. This is a prison This isn't prison. You got cigarettes for me. You're gonna be my bitch Are you? Who's it didn't subscribe to the channel to be my bitch youtube.com backslash Drawfee Click anywhere on this image to subscribe or go to the link in the comments link in the remember description This is our new showed the Drawfee show which is going to be on the College Humor channel But if you want more Drawfee stuff go check us out on youtube.com backslash Drawfee There's gonna be a new morning Drawfee every Monday and a whole slew of programming to follow that I'm gonna go pin this up in my prison cell not not unless I do it first Well, I guess I have to shoot you hubba hubba |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_207_Rod_Jensen_Katter | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates Decode podcast, the new series that we've released.
We're a fair few episodes in now leading into the federal election where we're interviewing candidates and we're interviewing sitting MPs from right across the country. We're also interviewing different people who work in the background of politics. We're putting together quite a summary of how things work. In Canberra, from the National Party to the Greens, to the Liberals, to Labour and to different independents across the country.
Today, we're actually very excited about today's guest because we're zoning in on the third force from Queensland, the KAP party. Now, Bob Carter has been a regular, I guess you'd say, feature on the Batutah Advocate over the years. He really gets our way of life out here in the Diamantina Shire. He represents a lot of people, be they in Western Queensland all the way up north. Today's guest is running as a candidate further north than Bob, would you believe, north of the Kennedy electorate in Leichhardt. He has a distinguished career in a whole range of different areas, starting with as a young man playing rugby league football professionally, right across the country, and then moving into community work, education, and, of course, organizing with young people up there. He's announced that he's running for KAP, and a lot of people are excited. A lot of people in the community are excited up in Leichhardt because there really are only a couple options when you start getting that far north.
The Liberal Party, it's so far north of the National Party, it doesn't even get a look in up in the very tip. Well, it is the Liberal and National Party. Yeah, it's the Liberal and National Party.
It's a bit different to how things go in the Maranoa, where David Littleproud is still very much national. The ghost of Joe still lingers in the Queensland LNP. And today's guest is completely third party to all that, running for CATA.
Thank you for joining us, Rod Jensen. Yeah, gentlemen, thank you for the invite. Much appreciate being on the show. Looking forward to having a little chat with you guys and see where we're headed. Well, thanks for joining us, Rod.
The first thing we want to ask is, where did you grow up? I grew up on the Atherton Tablelands, and I'm Aboriginal Torres Strait. My dad's English, Danish, Australian.
So, I'm a bit of a mixer. I kind of just flow in all areas.
But traditionally, my grandmother grew up in Horn Island. So, my grandfather was born on Prince of Wales. They were moved off the islands around World War II, and then they came down to Atherton Tablelands. My mother actually grew up in Babinda, down here on Atherton Tablelands. My father's side of the family came over in the early days and was given land, and they had farming properties up in gelatin, the top end of the basin there.
And we looked after horses and also piggeries. So, the journey from there just sort of muddles around. People did a lot of moving around in the late 60s, early 70s.
So, a real North Queensland job. You're not an outsider, that's for sure. Yeah, look, and it's an interesting one. The boundaries have moved around a little bit through Kennedy and Leichhardt, and everyone's like, we have to be living in that space. And I don't know if living is enough, just being there every single day on people's doorsteps. They want a finite address to places. But as you know, find North Queensland, and North Queensland is a large, large place. So, you can be somewhere and not really anywhere at all.
You want to tell us a little bit about your story leaving that part of the world, because you ended up down there in Adelaide, which is a long way away. What was your journey, you know, prior to politics? It's a journey for me, and people find this a little bit interesting, but I think everyone's journey is.
As a young person growing up in Atherton and Tablelands, we saw a lot of regulation coming in. My father actually worked in the logging industry back in the day, in the tobacco industry. And we saw all of these things shutting down. So, as a young person, I'm looking for that springboard into life after school. I just couldn't see too much happening. There was a lot of unemployment, a lot of industries being shut down, a lot of change of thought. You know, government was sort of just talking about Brisbane at that stage.
And I'm talking in the late 80s, early 90s, and I made a phone call. I personally made a phone call to get out of the area and move to a boarding school. So, I moved down to Cairns, at St. Augustine's, and spent most of my senior years there now. Probably, while I was being looked after in the community areas, up in Ravensoe and around those places, the community was fantastic. When I came to St. Augustine's, people sort of just saw something in me and started to foster the belief that you could do something else. And I was kind of looking for that.
Can you tell us about that phone call? How do you, who do you call?
It's an interesting one. Back then, it's a phone booth on the side of the road, you know, and there was an expectation. I think we just grew up a little bit different back when I was young. Things have definitely changed. But I took an opportunity to take a couple of silver coins, 30 cents, and went down to the phone booth and made a conversation. I started a conversation on the side of the road, talking to St. Augustine's.
I don't come from money. I come from a hardworking family. And this is the reason why I'm in. I want to speak on the behalf of those people. I come from a hardworking family. My mum's a nurse. My dad worked in logging in.
And she, as I said, I make a phone call and say to someone, look, I don't know what life has for me here, but I want to stand up. I want to have something for myself afterwards. So the conversation kind of went down the line. I was, I don't have funds to come, but I'm sure there's something else I could do at your school.
And they sort of spoke to me about sporting scholarships and bits and pieces. And at the time I was playing rugby league in the local division up there, the Eton Rugby League. And I said, look, I think I could be pretty good at rugby league. And they said, look, come down and have a trial. And powers to be. Lionel Williamson at rugby league, great here in Far North Queensland, sort of said, come down, had a look. And he was like, this kid can do something. So it all transpires that I end up getting down there. I get a sports scholarship and I put my best foot forward.
And I will say also that heading to St. Augustine's, I was probably on the back end of not being able to read and write. I was a young person that sort of been forgotten from education. I spent a lot of my time without a disability. And that's a bad word to be using now, but they had disability units that separated those that were having barriers and those that could do mainstream. And for some reason, indigenous kids always ended up in the disability unit.
So me and my brother, I spent a lot of time in that area. But when I came down to St. Augustine's, things changed. People were like, hang on a moment, this young man can do some stuff. I left St. Augustine's probably in the best shape of my life. So I ended up going to South Australia. And at that time, it's not a big thing, but my wife now and I made that journey. So I met my wife when I was 13 in Ravenstow. And I think they say it's dating now, but I think we had a fairly strong courtship during that period and we made a decision. So that phone call and the idea of, hey, we can do something.
We move away from the Atherton Tablelands and with a plan to always return. We watched too many people, the leaders of the community go and follow those things into the city and never return. And I certainly wasn't that.
We head to South Australia, I take up work, play in the Australian Super League. Two years later, Australian Super League folds, ARL and Super League merge, become the NRL. And I head off to Canberra, spent five years over there playing for the Canberra Raiders and starting my teaching degree over there. And then luckily enough, being able to work hard and put time on the ground got me to where I really wanted to start back at the North Queensland Cowboys, where I should have been at the beginning. But came home, spent a good time there, finished my degree and yeah.
Now we don't want to talk too much about your football career. I'm sure Bob chews your ear off about it, but I want to talk about being what I imagine is a well-known footballer in North Queensland, a young prodigy, and then landing in Adelaide for this new club, the Rams, in a town where rugby league really wasn't the game. What was life like at that point? I'm sure it was different to Canberra and North Queensland Cowboys, that's for sure.
Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.
And being a young person, you're always told that the world is your oyster.
My wife and I went down, my girlfriend and I went down at that time and we didn't have any support. So we just went about the normal things, what I called normal.
Now, not so normal. Like it's very difficult. Times have got a lot harder.
Went to South Australia, started to get my licensing sorted. It was easy. The process was simple. I went and got myself a house with the support of the club. I'm not going to say that it was on my own, but we got to end up getting a house.
My wife went off and worked. She was doing university at the time. I went off and got myself a, I was doing a diploma of law. So I was down at the Torrens Valley Institute of TAFE and I was working part-time at a law firm, just filing some files, and in the afternoon after training and then playing on the television on the weekend. It was seemed to me very normal.
That is not the process. It becomes very difficult for kids to get involved in things like that. But we take the steps to do that and we start planning things out.
And like, what am I? I'm 17 at the time, 17 and a bit. Now I'm being told that kids stay at the house till we're 25, 30. So we've definitely gone backwards in giving people the opportunity that I had. Regulations and how things have changed are very different. Now the catters, both Robbie and Bob and everyone else involved in the party, they talk a lot about keeping kids out of trouble. It's one thing to be a kid in a country town with nothing to do. You can find yourself in trouble. It's another thing to be a 17 year old in the NRL. How did you avoid the riffraff that I'm sure, especially in Adelaide where there's no eyeballs on you and you're surrounded by a bunch of guys who grew up in leagues clubs. How did you do that? Because you were filing cabinets as a 17 year old. I'm sure there are a lot of blokes at the pub every night.
I certainly don't have an answer for that. If we had answers, you'd be doing other things. However, I will say that certainly for me at an early age I understood that I had no legacy.
I wasn't one of those kids that were your dad played or your uncle played or someone's given you favor here to get you through. I certainly was the guy that was in the backyard just making sure I was doing my tackling practice, getting dirty, getting dusty, making sure that if something was an opportunity I was always doing it. And people say, now stay busy, that'll keep you out of trouble. And certainly that was my goal when I left Far North Queensland.
People talk to me about how many jobs have you had? And I will say to them, I don't know how many jobs I've had because I've worked on that many fruit farms as a kid. And when people say working on fruit farms, I'm like, man, I carried 60, 70 kilo tomato buckets out of 150 meter row.
And I'll carry that down to a truck. It's interesting as we go through all of this because people are saying to me, what credentials do you have to step up to become a politician? I'm like, man, all I'm asking right now is for a title. Someone needs to put something on the front of the desk because we've been doing this all of our life. We transitioned through life, doing the political thing, except now I'm asking to take the voice of people to the places it needs to go. Now, Rod, I just want to talk a little bit about the division of Leichhardt.
It's 150,000 square kilometers, as we did say before. It's very big country up there in the Gulf and up in the tip. It's about the same size as Greece, but 80% of the population lives in and around Cairns.
So is that where most of the focus is this campaign for Canberra? If you listen to the major parties, it is. And I'm not mudslinging there. It's just, I don't know how much time they're going to spend in the outer reaches.
And the honest truth of it is Cairns is, it looks after itself. They're a tourist industry. There's a lot of big business here. I just feel that there is more to be had out of Far North Queensland. While you're saying that Cairns is the hub, you're 100%. But I think if you open up Far North Queensland to the Torres Strait and the Cape, there is much more to be had. There is more expansion to be had. I think the one big thing that you have to recognise here is that the large Indigenous population that is from Cairns, transitioning all the way through the Cape and the Torres Strait, and I think that that voice is often missed.
I want all of Australia, not only just Far North Queensland, to realise that we are in a seat that not every single individual has the same rights. And where we are standing, the incumbent said, isn't it beautiful that the democratic process allows everyone to stand? And I stand here as an Indigenous Australian, First Nations Australian, along with another First Nation female Australian and another female. And I say, it's not been a very long time for all of us to be standing here.
And if you look at the history since 1950, yeah, I think one demographic has stood out quite strong. We've not all had the same voice. And unfortunately, that voice has been cut down to only half the population.
The linen shirts of Port Douglas, mate. 100%. Yeah.
Oh, and look, that's a beautiful spot. And I know we're going to pick up the guys that got a very, very unique little spot there. And they've been able to build on that and make sure that their luxury has continued throughout the time that we've been here. And certainly, a couple of roads around the outside of them look really nice. But if you start to head on to the Great Northern Peninsula, you're going to hit dirt real quick.
And I look at it and say, yeah, it's not just those locals, but it's the cattle industry that's being held up. It's the tourism industry that's being held up. And it's those small businesses that are being held up because the local major parties are looking at specific niche areas to work.
And that's where the built-up population is, so. Yeah. So you've got, as Errol just said there, you've got an enormous electorate. Although it is only the third largest in Queensland. Yeah, yeah, well, we've got the marinara, we've got Kennedy. You've got a lot of indigenous voters.
And I shouldn't say voters because they're obviously citizens and people. But that's a consideration that I'm sure Warren Ench, even if he is not saying that on stage at the debate, is considering. But North Queensland's an interesting place. And Bob knows this better than anyone.
You're dealing with a lot of different demographics. You're certainly dealing with a lot of different religions. I mean, the Atherton Tablelands, you could mistake that for Southern Europe in some towns, you know what I mean? And with those industries bring different types of people. Fruit, particularly. And then, you know, further north, the tourism. I mean, you get up into the top of the bloody Daintree and you start meeting people from Russia who are out there catching crocodiles. How do you speak to all of these different people? Because there's so many different personalities and so many different characters.
Is that just, I guess, the North Queensland intuition where you just gotta talk to any man or woman standing before you and get on their level? I absolutely think it is the case. It doesn't matter who the candidate is or the party, to be honest. I think Far North Queensland is just down into the dirt people. They wanna talk about what's going on in their lives, how their businesses are going, what their children are up to, how they see how Far North Queensland can also join the economic boom that our government believes that we're going through. Yeah. At the moment, I think the way they look at it is that we're all here, as you said, the third largest.
However, for some reason, our voice is never heard. The constant barrage of lobbying and flying to Canberra, going down and doing that, and coming back with nothing has become the life journey of most of these companies or most of these families. And then even when they do get a voice, it's always like, well, we're just gonna give you the scraps of what you could have.
It's very easy. If you fly into Brisbane at the moment, cranes are in the sky. They are constantly building population growth. It's exploding. You come to Cairns and the council says to you, man, our population is almost at a point where we won't have drinking water. And how many cranes are standing in Cairns at the moment? Two.
And I'm like, well, how can we be there at an explosion of population, but nothing is being done? Housing is out of control. Education is on a teetering point.
And then everyone's saying, well, youth crime. And I'm like, yeah, that's because we don't have the infrastructure and no one has had forethought to say, well, in a moment, we're about to have a train crash. We're gonna just watch that happen in slow motion and then react to it. The youth crime is the people jumping off the train before it crashes.
It is absolutely the symptom. Everyone's like, oh, I have the flu, but I'm not gonna do anything about it until it's full blown. Hey, you've been coughing and your nose has been running for a period of time now. You need to do something before it gets to a point where you have to go to the emergency room. And often I think Fire North Queensland is always in the emergency room before someone comes.
At the debate, there was a young community member from Matons Beach said, it's awesome that all of these guys are getting funding for the flooding.
Like we really want to support that, but we never see the same outcome when we get smashed by a cyclone or the roads are cut off and we don't have any food on the shelves. There is no infrastructure that flows in behind that. There is no emergency help that comes.
And if it is emergency help, it's usually insurance companies that then just bump up the insurance premiums. That's an interesting point you make there with the youth crime because that's the only thing that makes the news in the South is they're out of control. The kids are out of control. The cars, the break-ins, everything like that. Obviously all very warranted issues and affects the way of life for local people.
No one wants that. No one wants to have to deal with that.
But it can be played as a bit of a dog whistle. It certainly is in Townsville.
With someone who's got all of these ideas and all of these, you're pointing to all these other symptoms, how do you get past that?
Park North Queensland is a very egalitarian place in many aspects on the street between people. A lot of people grew up together, different colors, different backgrounds. But when you start getting into this local media and local politics, it's very easy for people to be pitted against each other.
And that distracts from these things you're talking about here, like the fact that we're running out of water. There are a couple of things that governments are going to always jump on. And if you're really a student of society and you really want to have an informed opinion before you go down to the pub and yell at each other, you need to look into it. And I was only at, say, community gathering two weeks ago. And it was out in the Edmonton area and they're looking at putting in a alcohol and drug rehabilitation center for youth, which on the actual idea of it, you need to have those things. There are kids out there that are going through some stuff. It's a medical thing. We need to get it sorted.
We don't have those in far North Queensland, but there is an idea that with that comes crime. And I'm like, ah, that's disappointing to see. However, the police stood up and they gave a snapshot of what's going on in that community. And they're like, I don't think you really see what's going on because yes, there is some crime.
However, most of that's being dealt with and you have almost 100% compliancy of the youths that have gone through that trouble with everything that the courts have told them. There was one child that was on probation and that child is 98% compliant within the regulations that have been given to him. It's very difficult when you see just the other end where Facebook and all of these pages are jumping up saying, oh, my car got stolen.
I totally understand that. I'm with you.
You said to yourself, we don't want that to be happening, but what are the precursors to that? And I'm gonna say, I don't wanna use COVID as an excuse, but COVID unseated the apple cart for the pure reason that no one could go and do the activities that they were normally doing and which was their schedule. When you've got people that are unemployed, their families are unemployed and low financial reward at the house and there is no licensing so you can't go out and have activities, school becomes a very attractive thing. Take that away from the kids, which happened, they shut the gates for quite a while.
Some kids got online, 100%. My children did. They were in the Catholic diocese here. They jumped online. They had interaction with their friends at school, with the school teachers and they just continued to some normality. Some kids did not.
And I will say to most of the community, you need to look at who's saying that it's looking after education at the moment because many of those kids that are creating or have issues with crime are around about that 10 to 14 mark. And I will say to you, has education gone out and got those kids? Have they opened up the gates fully yet? Are they participating in schedules that they would normally have that curbs the idea of them being out in the street? I saw comments from towns were saying, these kids are creating crime during school hours. I get it. Why are they not at school? But more importantly, has school said that they're open yet? I know that they've been talking about a massive teacher shortage.
They've also been talking about mandates. These sorts of things that are actually creating some of the issue. And I know the government's not talking about mandates at the moment, but it was the Queensland Human Rights Commission came out and said, mandates for early childhood teachers and age homes is unconstitutional. That's three years after they got forced to do it.
And teachers are leaving in droves. If you don't have teachers, you don't have kids in the classroom. And it's easy to say that the kids are out there doing something, but we as a society and as a community aren't supporting the kids themselves.
Can you tell us about the first time you started having thoughts about, it sounds like a lot of your thinking and a lot of your working life, you've been politically minded in one way or another, but when were you actually thinking, okay, Canberra, when were you thinking, oh, that could be changed in Canberra or that could be changed in Brisbane? Like these issues could be taken down there. When did you start thinking politics? And furthermore, what took you and drew you and brought you into the KAP fold?
It's very interesting. You never, you can't become something you can't see. So growing up in Ravenstoke was all just about small community. This family looks after that and they're going to invite people to do it and we do a truck raffle. That's about as close as you get to government. Going into the NRL showed me something else. I recognize quite quickly that being a part of a conversation and being visual in a conversation allows a conversation to grow.
And I've just lived by the philosophy. If I'm going to do something, I need to tell other people so then they can hold me accountable. And I think that that's what government needs to be right now. You say it, you do it because I'm going to hold you accountable and don't get upset if I tell you that you haven't got there because I'm the person that's going to hold you accountable, not you.
So the idea of being in the NRL and understanding, being a professional athlete is a difficult thing. No one ever signs up to be a role model, but as soon as you get a contract, which is an interesting concept, it's just work, you become the morality for society.
You have to be doing the right thing. Do you know that thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of kids are watching you? There is a part to play. And I certainly took that on board to say, well, I'm going to be the person that if a kid is looking at me, I'm hoping I'm doing the right thing. And I just moved towards that. And it slowly starts to increase. And then you work on a program. I know that the NRL had one, Learn Earn Legend. I don't know if you guys remember this one. Like it was getting around, making sure kids are doing the right thing. Be a school, use sport as a carrot.
And then everyone else has sort of turned something into it. But that was a program that went away. And I'm like, wow, why? Why did that go away? And it was just because someone in Canberra decided on the ground, they're not actually in the community. The community doesn't need that anymore.
They do need that. It was working. We were doing the right thing.
And then they just carved it up and a lot of other people did it, but it doesn't wash out. It's been diluted to something else. So I'm like, well, we need to continue these programs. How does that program get washed away?
And it was just like, well, no one spoke from community that you continually needed that. No one said in the societal field that this is actually working, continue that process. I was like, well, who does that? And there were no advocates because when I was looking around it, the people that are in it are just lobbying for other things.
It is what it is. Townsville always needs a new football stadium apparently. So they were always working towards that. So they're going to have things that wrap around what the government requires for that. And I can see it, but at the back end of it, I'm like, well, would Townsville take in something else rather than a football stadium? Because they still had one. You still were able to do something. And my gripe with that is that as young kids, we helped lay the turf over there at 1-800. Now we're not at the same stadium. It kind of burns a little. You know, it is what it is. That's locals for you. Well, it doesn't help when your mate Jonathan Thurston's on stage at the 2015 grand final, telling the prime minister that Townsville needs a new stadium. Yeah, absolutely, 100%.
You know, we get along and I don't know if everybody knows, but I spoke out about some indigenous funding that was being used incorrectly at one of the schools where I was from. I'm just like, man, the integrity of how some of these things actually fold through is being lost, I think, over my period of life. You've been told a small lie and then that becomes the norm and government continues to do that. I saw a post on LinkedIn and it's all business people talking there and they're like, how about we make a stand to say that politicians need to be at the same level as CEOs of corporations? You are held to account for the promises that you make and the things that you don't go through on. It is a very good point to be made because at the same time, I look at government and say, they're allowed to get away with a lot of things. And certainly in my electorate, we're looking at it at the moment. The two major parties are throwing so much mud. I'm like, the thing that you're trying to say is that we both are a little dishonest. But the biggest thing you need to be saying is that you both haven't done too much in the last period. Which is why you're having a conversation and an arguing match rather than just saying, these are the things that we've done. These are the records that we have.
And I think that then goes into the conversation about the KAP, Kata Australian Party. Bob has been an outstanding advocate in Far North Queensland. And you guys would know, love him or hate him, it has to be said. Bob will be the one standing before the conversation, during the conversation and after the conversation. And he will remind you the next day when most government people fly in, fly out and the conversation is done.
And like it's, we had that, we spoke about it. You had your chance, it didn't wash. And then we forgot about it.
Bob's not that guy. He's the guy that says, no, I'm going to bring that up in three years time. When you most importantly need my support, I'm going to remind you that you didn't do that. And that's what community was asking you about.
That leads into some of the treasurer's comments about the budget at the moment. This is a six week budget, not a four year one.
Like we're talking about fuel access at the moment, which is killing us at this end of the world. Not just at the family bowser, but I'm talking about transport, the trucks. No one's really looking at how the truck industry is going to be hurt at tax time because they've changed how the access is actually being done, just for the period of the election. And the tourists too, like it is a long way from cans up up to the tip. That takes a lot of diesel. The Wikivan costs a lot to fill up.
It does.
Half of the fuel of Australia, which is meant to be, would have got three days worth of fuel total. Yeah, well, I reckon one day of that's on the top of a Wikivan running around the top end here. And our reserves for emergencies is over in Texas. I honestly think sometimes diplomacy with international outweighs what's happening on the ground here. And when I say that, and I'm talking about all of Australia, I then have to then, I have to make the disclaimer that Queensland, far North Queensland is under a second run there. So there's the Australia, and then there's far North Queensland, which is, people are jumping up and down at the moment. And I will openly say, places like Bemiga, Torres Strait, Weipa, they've been paying $172 for fuel for the last two years. Then the bowsers in Brisbane reads 170, and then someone jumps up and down and says, whoa, affordable living. Like man, we watched the tankers run past the tip, taking all that fuel down to Brisbane, and then they put it on a truck, and then bring it back to us. And like the forethought of our governments at the moment, the current time of who really can make themselves a sustainable entity is just not happening. You mentioned there, you've got global diplomacy, you've got Australian politics, you've got Queensland politics, and then you've got far North Queensland, might even be a few rungs below Australia.
And then from there, you've also got communities that never get a look in. And the last time a politician visited the Torres Strait was during the Mabo decision. What's going on in some of these remote communities? I want to talk about the islands, cause you've got quite a few in your electorate. It's such an interesting conversation. I believe that most of those communities are just disenfranchised.
And you hear it all the time. It's another dog whistle, like you said.
Oh, the communities aren't interested, they don't vote.
And I think maybe there's a little bit of honesty in that. You know, there's a bit of honesty. You're looking at it from a different lens.
They're not voting because that's their way to protest, to say, we're not being heard anyway. We will vote you in because you come with great promises, but when do we see you again? The next election. And I'm full advocate of saying, make sure that your voice is heard. Make sure that your vote counts. Cause those one votes do lead to a position.
I've got candidates here in Cairns at the moment in two major parties saying, it's only a two dog race. No one else matters. And like, to be honest, if you look at the tail of the tape, that's how it's been since I said the 1950s. They just swap between each other. And we were at a point, and how you look at it is your own point of view, but we were at a point where those two voices, so the two major parties are identical. One is supporting the other. One is in opposition and one is government. And that's all they're doing.
They're not actually saying that people need a voice. You know, it was brought up in the debates. There is an indigenous voice at the moment in parliament. And it was brought up by a Torres Strait lady. She said, if you're voted in, how are you going to strengthen that? And it's very important because at the moment, while you have a voice, it's unheard. It's just not being listened to. And the incumbent said, you know, you need to look at the KPIs. You need to look at the close the gap strategies. And I'm like, all right, sitting on the ground, the one thing that I see that is not being looked at because you just, the close the gap, which while is very important and a little bit disrespectful in saying that there is a gap. The one thing that's being missed is that the equal rights, the lawful rights of the citizens on the ground here just do not exist. And then people said, what do you mean by that?
And I'm like, well, let's have a look at land ownership, not necessarily traditional land ownership, but some of these communities are still living on dogged ground, which means that you can't have freehold lease. You can't have personal lease. If you build a house, when your lease runs out, you lose all your wealth.
If you have a cattle property at the moment in the far north, you actually own only the cattle. But we know that the law suggests that where you run that cattle is the person who owns the land owns the cattle. And so like if the state government is owning pastoral land that they're allowing an indigenous company to run cattle on, it probably suggests that government owned the cattle, not the business that they're allowing run on there.
These things lead through to a person having self-esteem within their community. They can stand tall on saying, well, that's mine. I own that. And I've been working alongside you. I haven't been just working a government program because I have ownership of that. I am now giving back to the community. Similar with the Torres straits, it's a very interesting concept. Fisheries, how that's all run through, who can get licensing, bits and pieces like that, which makes people become autonomous in their own wealth, their own health, their own education, all of those things spur onto something. So owning a house is a big thing.
And I hear it, you know, normal Australia, mainstream Australia is yelling out saying our children should be able to have the right. And I'm like, we don't even have the right to hold land at the moment.
Like it's very different conversations that are happening in Canberra to what's happening in Weipa. I'm not picking on Weipa, but they've got a large mine there and continually takes up iron ore and the people are still fighting to have a voice on how that is done. The conversation in Cairns and you bring up quite rightly Port Douglas and what's actually happening in the Cape and in the Torres Strait, very different. I saw footage in the middle of last year. On Yam Island, there was a large, quite a large king tide and the salt water was running to the middle of the island and people were frantic. Where was the government then? Because there's a flood down there in Brisbane and in Sydney at the moment and they're everywhere. Conversations are different. Yeah, you're pointing out, you know, something that a lot of people down in the Canberra political class wouldn't actually even consider is that North Queensland is a tale of two cities. And in fact, Australia in itself is a tale of two cities.
You seem to have some refreshing ideas and you know, you're bringing them to the table as a third party on these debates. What are you feeling in the electorate? You're talking to, you know, a lot of communities that aren't heard. So I imagine there's a lot of support there when you start saying things that they wanna hear or saying things that are addressing the issues they have. What are you feeling? Are you getting a pat on the back in these towns you pull into? Are you getting those nods?
To be fair, I'm gonna just say, far North Queensland are not decided yet. I think at the moment, similar to me, I will sit and I will listen. I'm happy to listen to anybody. Same with the everyday Queensland, I believe. We're gonna sit down and we're gonna break bread. At the moment, I think the government and final Queensland, we say, I'm just gonna say constituents because voting doesn't really mean anything. But the constituents are saying, at the moment, they're not even listening. I don't wanna put words in anyone's mouth, but I have been traveling in the Cape and the Torres Strait and I will do such for the next couple of weeks. So if anyone's listened to this, if you see me around, come up and say good day. But people are saying that they're sick of being spoken down to.
The government says, this is what you require, but realistically on the ground, they're like, that's not even meeting the mark of where we are, or it's so off target. You've missed the target totally.
Like I'll bring it back to the water, the water conversation here in Cairns about population growth. At the moment, there's a conversation around agricultural growth and also population growth.
But the government that we have standing at the moment, just as saying water, it's water. It's not, they're very different. And one can't be done without the other because the one that's underdone will make the other fall over. As I was saying, it's big picture stuff.
And at the moment we have a government that's thinking about only the next six weeks. If they're doing that the entire term, only for the next six weeks, this is a rug situation. The carpet is dirty, quickly throw something on top of it.
It's a conversation that I think Far North Queenslanders and Queenslanders as a whole are very used to. And they're looking at the moment to see what the next step is. We get confused with the idea because have the party saying, well, it's a main party and independent can't do anything. My conversation is just have a look across the border into the Kennedy Electric. You know, Bob, he's not even speaking on our behalf, but he's here holding the people that should be accountable. And he's only doing that because he actually cares for you. He actually wants to see things happen. And that's where we need to be. I'm like, the parties are important and don't get me wrong, Canada-Australia party, they have their policies, but we understand that we have to stand together because on your own, you get picked off by some of these larger beasts and they're not so nice when you're actually on the ground trying to get things done. Yeah, well, it isn't like the Prime Minister is coming over to David Littleproud's office and knocking on his door and asking what he can do for the people of the Maranoa to get his vote on some policy.
He's coming to Bob's office and saying, what can I do for you to get your vote on this? And he'll say, oh, I want air conditioning in every school in Kennedy. And they say, no worries, Bob, is there anything else you want? And he's like, yep, I'll have a dam, I'll have some railway, please.
And then that's why in Kennedy and in parts of Townsville, they have all this new infrastructure is because they've got Bob there to advocate for them and he's got so much power as an independent entity in the House of Representatives. He has more power than the Deputy Prime Minister would in his own electorate, because he, at the end of the day, can decide and be the final vote. And in many cases throughout his career, he's decided who the government is.
Absolutely, and you guys have articulated it quite well how Bob is able to influence. And certainly, I've been saying, if we could just for a moment fathom a similar voice side by side at the boundary of Kennedy and Leichhardt. We start moving to that idea that we can stand on our own, autonomously, it will happen a lot quicker than you think. The other thing that I'll add to that is that the political conversation is, all right, if you're gonna be the independent, who will you side with? Because I'm gonna choose the party and I want to know that you're going to side with them. And it's exactly how Bob says, it's not that. It's about who's gonna come and side with us, because as an independent, we have a very strong voice. And what does that mean? It means that the constituents of our electorate have a very strong voice.
It's not about, I know it seems like about Bob and he'll tell you he's the first one. He's not a workhorse, he's one of the show ponies, but at the back end of it, you have to recognise that the work that he's doing only elevates and amplifies the voice of the community. And you see it such as the programmes that have fallen on the ground.
Quickly before we go, Rod, I think the last time we saw Bob in a konkari, he was telling us that his boy Robbie, he could have been the next best thing in rugby league in this country, but he gave it all up to go into politics. Now you're about the same kind of vintage as Robbie, playing together in North Queensland as young fellas. Was Bob right in saying that Robbie was gonna be the next Wally Lewis? The next Rod Jensen?
I always had this conversation. It's an interesting one. There's only one Jonathan Thurston. Everyone does their time and everyone has their journey.
And I know that's sitting on the fence, boys, but when you say that you were gonna be the one, you were either the one or you were a different one. So when you came in, Rod Jensen was gonna be only Rod Jensen. And I said it before, I was very fortunate that I didn't have legacy. I see a lot of the footy players now that I played footy with and who were legends of my era and the era before, their son's now going through and they're having to live up to the legacy.
And it crosses all borders in that sense, like Bob and Robbie are going through their thing at the moment. And I'd really like to just steer people to the idea of how Cat has started and where it's heading to. And I think that as we move forward in the future, that there is really strong leadership in that next level down.
And there will never be Bob. There's a legacy that will be had. But remember, the person that's coming after will always be the next one. They won't be the one, but they will be the next one.
And saying that, if anyone's listening out at Kincurry, I don't know if you guys remember me, but I really appreciate my time out there. Battle of the mines out there, running around with the guys and the dust and the dirt and the heat. Absolutely wonderful community, looked after me exceptionally well. I hope that I've done you proud when I came out there. There's always a couple of beers at the local pub and a lot of footy being played. So just a shout out to the guys out at Kincurry.
Well, mate, you've given a very, very modest and humble answer to us asking whether Robbie Catter was shit at rugby league. Because I'll tell you- I believe I wasn't the best. I believe I wasn't the best. And there's that many people come up to me and say you had a stellar career. And I was like, I don't know if you were watching.
Pat Richards palms still in my chest from 2005. My brother will never let me forget it.
I'll tell you one person that would say that Robbie was a world beater was Chris Ofuli, the Queensland leader of the opposition. He reckons he got folded by him in some comp up there as young lugs. I appreciate your time, boys. And look, the rugby league stories are what they are. I'm pretty sure in 20 years time, I'm going to be in a bar somewhere and someone's going to tell me, hey, I was much better than you.
You should never have played.
Yeah. Mate, thank you for joining us today. It's interesting to hear KAP's plans for far North Queensland and your plans yourself. Rod, all the best with the campaign, mate. Gentlemen, I appreciate your time today and to all your listeners, what a great podcast. Keep supporting them. Good work getting the message out there, guys. Thank you very much. |
dropout | streeter_and_josh_s_coffee_town_mug_giveaway | Hey everyone, I'm Streeter from College Humor, and I'm Josh from College Humor, and you can see both of us in College Humor's first feature film, COFFEE TOWN! Coffee Town, available to buy rent on iTunes right now. In College Humor's first feature film, Coffee Town, I play Devin, who's sort of a rock star and drummer with a mohawk.
Probably play opposite Josh Groban. Names drop in everywhere. I play a guy named Man in a Prawn. That's called a stone. That's good. It's Man in Apron and your character barely at a part. Okay, well, it's a cameo, so it doesn't matter.
Anyway, if you buy a rent, Coffee Town, between now and July 14th, and you forward that iTunes receipt to this email, which will be somewhere around here, guess what? We will send you an exclusive Coffee Town mug. We're going to randomly pick 10 of you to send one of these to. Just 10, because there's only 12 mugs.
We took two. Then we took two. |
dropout | buffalo_wing_eat_off | Hi, I'm Dan and this is David. We're from CollegeHumor.com.
Can two normal human beings beat one professional competitive eater in a buffalo wing eating contest? It's a question that people have been asking ever since this camera turned on. So today we are at a Buffalo Wild Wings to find out that answer and a battle to the death. Well, it's a eating contest. Let's go meet our competitors.
I'm here with Crazy Legs Conti. He's a nationally ranked major league eater. What do you think the main keys to your success are in today's competition? It's manual to oral dexterity, just staying hungry and focused. All right, bigger words than I expected out of that answer. And I am here with CollegeHumor's team, Brian Murphy and Kevin Corgan. Kevin, how have you prepared for today's matchup? I have been eating food two to three times a day for my entire life. Very smart.
And Brian, how have you come together as a team? Well, we had a powwow in the men's restroom. We believe that the team that goes number two together becomes number one together.
Now we'll throw it to Dan to find out the rules. Our competitors will have six minutes to shove these flappers down their yappers. At the end of the six minutes, we'll see how many clean wings are in each bowl. Crazy Legs, show us what counts as a clean wing. Uh, paddle, drumstick. You don't stand a chance. The competition begins in three, two, one, go. All right, they're off. Can I already announce Crazy Legs the winner? Yeah, I think you might be able to just call it right here.
I think he's already eaten almost twice as much as our two competitors have eaten combined. I got to say, Kevin is doing really relatively well for somebody who is not a competitive eater. How much do you think a beard plays a part in his competitive eating?
I have to say 100%. Yeah, me too.
It's almost as if the beard is eating the wing, not Kevin. While Crazy Legs is so focused, he doesn't even realize he's eating one of his breadlocks right now. I think there's actually a five wing bonus if he finishes an entire breadlock. Here's something I've noticed. Okay, when Crazy Legs throws his head back, it's some sort of like eating technique.
But when Murph is lifting his head back, it's more like that he's just hopelessly pleading with a vengeful god. I wish I could say that I don't know who's going to win. I will say that if Kevin had a better teammate, they might have made it interesting. This basically falls on Murph's shoulders. I mean, it's his fault. Yeah, he's not going to be able to show his face around a Buffalo Wild Wings for months, maybe years. Alright, we only have 30 seconds left.
Dan, if you were a betting man, who would you bet on? I would have to bet on...
As a person, not even related to the wings. Oh, just in general? Yeah. Who I think will do better in life? Exactly. Crazy Legs film. Okay.
And the utterly outside of a food competition have very little going for the most people. Okay, we're approaching our final 10 seconds here. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. That's it. We got to call it there, guys. Put down your wings.
I've always wanted to say that. Weird. I know. Oh my god.
Alright, before we count these up, Crazy Legs, you are a machine. How do you feel about your performance? Well, you know, the Buffalo Wild Wings are fast today. And to be honest, I think the College Humor guys are vegetarians. Oh, the worst insult that a competitive foodier can use. Alright guys, we haven't counted the wings yet, but I just want to find out how you guys feel you did.
Kevin? Pretty happy. I had trouble figuring out how to swallow in the beginning, but then I kind of picked it up. And Brian?
And I'm really bad at chewing. I knew I was done as soon as I put the first wing in my mouth.
Alright, the results have been tallied. Crazy Legs Conti downed 60 Buffalo Wings. Very impressive. Wow. And on the College Humor side, again, two people working together. 52 wings. 52. Oh my gosh. Do you guys know individually, I'm just curious, how many wings?
It's not really an individual thing. We kind of, we work as a unit, so we wouldn't know how to put four of them on. 36. 36 for seven. So it's the mat there. It's not like a counting case. Simple mat. That means roughly eight.
Gentlemen in the spirit of camaraderie. Let's do the wing toaster. Oh, you'll love to see that. Cheers. That's wonderful. We live for this.
And Murph even struggling with this one wing. Oh man. Something's never changed. |
dropout | hardly_working_final_destination_part_5 | Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you two doing? Trying to kill each other so death spares one of us. We'll be done in a second. Asshole! No, I mean, why is no one updating the website? Get back to work. Are you gonna take our guns away? Ha! No.
Who am I, Obama? Seriously, though, he is ruining this country. I got a liberal pro. No, I'm just gonna turn.
Wind is energy. Wind is energy because I am a magician.
Hey! I think we should call it truce. You just shot at me. Yeah, but now I'm out of bullets. Me too. Okay, truce. One of us is just gonna die anyway, so... Not necessarily.
Remember that foolproof plan I had back before you killed the coroner? It would pop up a big box, bait it with some peanut butter, and then when death goes to get it, we pull the string, trap them like a rat.
I love you, Dan. Your balls are totally normal and not fucked up at all. Get ready for your first fresh kiss. That's not what happened, and that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
Is it? Yes. Is it? Yes. Is it?
Look, there's energy. Look, there's more energy.
It's not... That's a liberal fantasy. What the hell's this?
Is there ever gonna get more of us? You think you can cheat me?
I am death. The end of all things. Prepare for me.
Hey, baby! Hi, girl.
Wait, you know each other? Oh, sure, yeah. We go way back, Michael. Dan, sure.
Yeah, Mortamist and I met at the year one trillion when space and time was about to crumble into an everlasting void. We split taco salad and watch time unravel from the backseat of a clear saloon cone. I've never seen anything so beautiful, and the view wasn't bad either.
Hey, stop. I was waiting to give up the science, the job, everything, just to spend eternity with this angel I bet she'd ever call me back. Well, kill and die. Wait, wait, wait, Gail.
Why didn't you call back this handsome man? Well, sure. I called you several times. I tried it on my fan droid.
That's an upside-down rat. Oh, you're right. It is upside-down.
Hello? You did, Gail. Well, yeah, of course I did.
Kiss me, you big, dirty, black bow man. Man out.
Uh-huh.
I'm in love. I know what dies today. This is going to cause so many problems. Uh-huh. Oh, gee. Gail, you saved us. I was no problem, plant. Emily. Yeah, sure. Hey, you know what they say? Your deaths belong to me. |
cracked | music_notes_why_queen_s_lyrics_are_secretly_ridiculous | I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike, I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride... Ready? Is this song about sex? Right. Okay. You good? I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like it, I want to ride it where I like it. Ready. That's on you, darling. And you hear what you want to hear.
I have a granny who still thinks bow rap is about Galileo and basic astronomy. Do you and the rest of Queen called Bohemian raps? Is it not? Does he bow rap? Ew.
It's just a song about a bicycle race. Nothing sexual. I saw Tour de France last year and it moved me to write a song about a bicycle race. You know, just going against what society expects and just feeling free, going for a ride on a cycle. Yeah? Sure, but the back-up vocals stress bicycle. It's just a fun song about a bicycle race, dear.
You can look it up. Where? Library's not going to have that information, Freddie. Where else can we look it up?
You know, you're starting to seem not so groovy right now, man. Just trust me about the bicycle race thing, darling. Okay, I'd love to move on. Alright. Freddie, Bark and Bite are both traditionally aggressive acts, I'm not really seeing the distinction. Yeah, I'm barking at you, but at least I'm not biting, right? Makes perfect sense to me. I guess.
Freddie, those words don't even maybe rhyme? What are we going to put on the billboards? New Queen Album. Lyrics that don't rhyme. Wouldn't we otherwise have put New Queen Album lyrics that do rhyme?
Okay, let me just read ahead some. I don't like Star Wars, I don't like it either, but I wouldn't ride a bike with you. You say Rolls, I say Royce, really abandoning the opposites idea and just finishing phrases for me. It's actually pretty helpful. You say Lord, I say Christ, again, thanks for helping. I don't believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein, or Superman. Yeah, like most ages over baby.
All I want to do is bicycle, bicycle, bicycle. I want to ride my bicycle, bicycle, bicycle. I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle. I think babies of old ages can enjoy a bicycle race.
Absolutely. Don't. Are we good? Now you're finishing my words for me. What about all that independent stuff, man, you know, going against the grain? You say Coke, I say King, you say John, I say Wayne, just helping me out again.
Hot dog, I say cool it, man. Okay, thanks for the cold hot dog.
I don't want to be the president of America, you know, I wouldn't worry about that, love. You say smile, I say cheese, now you're taking my orders. Thank you, sign the establishment. Income tax, I say Jesus. Okay. I don't want to be a candidate.
Wait, do you, Freddie? Because you've mentioned it a couple of times now. Well, I suppose I wouldn't mind getting my ideas out there, yeah. I mean, I might be a little progressive for some, but who wouldn't want an old queen in the White House, huh? Wait, so you do...
Want to be president. Yes. Well, you've got my vote. I'm 16. The youth vote's important. You're welcome. Freddie, so this song is about you wanting to run for office, about joining the presidential race?
Bicycle race.
Well, do you? Sure, I guess. I knew it, right now, I knew it. Could also be about sex, of course. I could make the case for almost anything, doll. Bow rap could be about Superman. Sure. Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see.
I'm just a boy, boy. Farm boy.
I need no sympathy. Because I've got these great superpowers.
But you don't believe in Superman. You just said it a few minutes ago in bicycle races. Yeah, I don't believe we are champions of the world, either. That's probably... Maybe spiders. Oh, and I don't even know who Galileo is. Okay, then... How do you actually feel about Fat Bottom Girls? I don't believe him. The races are coming your way. So forget all your duties.
Hi, everyone. Thanks for watching that video. I'm Sorin Bui.
I'm the managing editor at Cracked. Managing editor is sort of a misnomer because I do a lot of other things. In fact, it's kind of a dumb blase title. What I'd really like you to do is go into the comments and ignore everything that you just watched and only comment on what you think my new title should be.
Nice things, preferably. You can go lowbrow, though. That's fine. |
TheOnion | The_Gameological_Society_Digest_Call_Of_Juarez_Gunslinger | Hey, Gamelogerinos, it is Jon Tady, your Gamelogical editor, and it's time for another edition of The Digest. I'm joined by Drew Toll, Gamelogical contributor, and our treat this week, Gamelogerinos, is ice cream novelties, is the theme, and we have our most novel items up first. We got a Spongebob, and we got a Spider-Sense Spider-Man.
Now these have gumballs for the eyes. I have to say ice cream and gum are not ever really two foods I want to consume at the same time. Well, this is a fruit punch and cotton candy with gumballs.
Wow. They don't even mention the ice cream. That's rough. Yeah. Mine is lemon and strawberry. I said it was ice cream novelties, but this just says it's a frozen confection, which... Oh, this is pretty, this is pretty good.
I don't want to take a picture of this. Excuse me, Gamelogerinos. You're taking a picture while we are, and you know we're videotaping this, right?
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Okay. I'm going to just start eating mine. Yeah. Whoops. Great.
Oh, diving straight in for the gumball. You're so brave. I went for it.
Sorry, Spongebob. I feel kind of bad eating it. It's got a face. Oh, the gumball is so bad. I try not to eat anything with a face. Popsicle brand, you have fallen a few rungs in my estimation today.
Shall we move on to our game? Please.
The addition of a grizzled narrator spices up this hidebound premise. The game is told from an old gunslinger's point of view as he recounts his past exploits. His unreliable memory gives your adventure unexpected turns, especially since this raconteur will go back and revise his tale whenever it suits him. It's a retrospective. The levels that we play are stories from this guy's life from the past, and we meet Billy the Kid, we meet, who else? Curly Bill, or Johnny Ringo from Tombstone.
This is a great way, I think, to dress up what is underneath a pretty simple shooter. A decent shooter. Yeah, it is.
It's great that they introduced the kind of unreliable narrator. The guy, they're like buying, they're actually buying him drinks at the bar, and he's in return kind of telling him these tall tales. Which is a clever twist, I think, because in all of these shooters, when you're slaughtering dozens of people, like that's not very realistic, that this one guy could survive this gunfight. But the tall tale conceit makes it so that it sort of makes sense in a way. Like the fact that you're gunning down 20 guys in one shootout and coming out unscathed, suddenly that makes sense in the context of a dime novel story. Right, no, because that's how they all go, and he's taking on all these kind of, just taking down pretty much every bad guy in the Old West. And the guys at the bar are just like, I don't know if it happened that way, I don't know, that doesn't sound right.
And then, you know, the levels change accordingly, which is a really, it works really well. You'll play for a little bit, you'll like, there's one portion where there's a shootout with some Indians on this ridge, and they say, oh wait, did I say, I just said it was like the Indians, I just said it was like Apaches coming to get me, and then the Apaches like turn into cowboys. They really play with it a lot, and I love that they had fun with that. The narrator also reminds me a little bit of Bastion, because here's another situation where you have this gruff Old West sounding guy narrating what you're doing. It's funny because when I took screenwriting courses in college, one of the number one rules was don't use voiceovers, don't use narration to tell your story. But in a couple of games I've played in the last year, it's actually worked really well because it spices up this otherwise fairly drudgerous routine of, you know, doing guys.
That's what I was going to say. I don't know why that was the phrase that came into my mind, but of doing guys.
Well, who's your favorite narrator of all time? I think the Bastion guy is the best, but this guy's right up there. I'm just talking, like if you could get one guy to narrate a game you were making. Of all narrators.
Yeah, have you ever seen Funny or Die Presents? No. Wait, maybe.
There's a white haired guy they've got on there who would be a kickass narrator for I think anything. He opens the show every time.
You're going to take him over Sir David Attenborough? So you pick David Attenborough. That's your... I didn't say I'd pick David Attenborough. Alright, well then don't judge me. I'd pick Morgan Freeman, obviously, or perhaps Werner Herzog.
Oh boy, that's a good one. I like that you knew the names of your picks, too. That was some quality journalism right there. I have thought about this.
The way the quick draw works is there's like this point of focus on the screen and you have to keep that on your foe, and you also have to manage the position of your hand over your gun. What I find interesting about it is that the act of drawing and shooting is very brief and really not that exciting. You pretty much just tap a button, right? But this game dramatizes the tension leading up to that quick draw, and I think that is pretty cool. It is, and it's funny you mention the kind of tension because you can draw early on the guy, but then you get a dishonorable kill or whatever, right? So you're supposed to wait until he moves and then draw, but you're sitting there staring each other down and I'm just like wilting, you know?
I mean, I'm on the couch. I'm not actually going to get shot, but... And then once I actually have to draw my gun, I'm trying to shoot so fast, I'm like shooting the guy in the leg because I just feel like I have no time to go for a headshot or anything. I'm just firing wildly into the ground. Yeah, flipping his shoulder.
Yeah, exactly. So you've got these skill trees in the game, too. We're all intimately familiar with this by now. You level up at a certain point, you gain enough points, and then you use those points to get to a new point in the skill tree, and you can shoot a little faster or it slows down a little when you shoot. I think maybe I've had enough skill trees for now. I'm ready for the next thing. I wouldn't mind it if, say, not to be a backseat game designer, but if Cala Juarez just made the choices for me, like observed how I used my guns and upgraded me for me. If there were that choice, I would definitely take that. I always did auto-upgrade in the Mass Effect games. I love that they have that. I feel like I agree with you in theory, but still, there's three main skill trees in this game, right? Yeah, go ahead. Well, the middle skill tree is like you get cooler weapons.
You get these engraved six-shooters. Who doesn't want engraved six-shooters? I want engraved six-shooters.
The middle skill tree is the best. Oh, the rifle one, the ranger one? Is that the ranger one?
Yeah. It's like pearl-inlaid dueling pistols, you know? I don't know. Aren't we pathetic that we can see the words pearl-inlaid dueling pistols on a screen and that excites us?
You can barely even notice. You can't notice the difference, right? But this is how dumb we are as players.
It's like, oh, yeah, I want that, because I'm not disagreeing with you at all. I'm like, oh, pearl-inlaid, yeah, I got that. That's really nice. Definitely nicer than whatever inlays my current guns. Right, yeah. And these could be diamond-studded guns. I already have. Oh, that would be awesome.
But that's basically what this entire game is, right? It's very familiar structures presented in very interesting ways. Right. Yeah, if you just describe the basic functions of this game, and to me, you know, I'd probably not play it. I had no intention of playing it until I, you know, kind of read about it later, and it kind of, you know, the kind of weird things they do with the narrative and the kind of just overall kind of absurdity of it. And I'll take that, definitely. Definitely. Especially when the game doesn't over-tutorialize, doesn't act like I haven't played video games. This game knows you've played this kind of stuff before, it does not belabor the point. It just gets on with it. Quality downloadable. Yeah, yeah.
I know, um, I'm gonna get home and, uh, earn some more, uh, skills. You make it sound so exciting, Drew! Alright, well, hopefully you can contain yourself until tomorrow. Sam Nelson will be here to talk about- Oh my god, SpongeBob's melting, dude. Sam Nelson will be here to talk about Reyes and to talk about other ice cream novelties. We'll see you then. |
cracked | can_parasite_go_on_the_comedy_shelf_we_debate_staff_picks | In this case, and this brings up the ethics of it, in that you have brought in three movies, which seems like a masterful move that I'm not certain is entirely ethical. Hello, and welcome back to Staff Picks. We are once again at The Archive in Bridgeport, Connecticut. I'm Patrick Willems, here with my cohost, Danielle Radford. We are joined once again by Milly Tamarez and Connor Ratliff.
And today, we're talking about comedy. It's a very serious topic. Never heard of it. No, this is a serious show where we discuss serious movies.
So Danielle, we're starting with you. All right. What did you bring for us today?
These are some really interesting movies. This is one time where I'm like, I don't know that I've seen a lot of these. Where's the out of print stuff?
Right here. Ooh.
Oh, I think I can convince people that Parasite's a comedy. This is gonna be one that I'm gonna fully admit is out the box and I kinda just wanna talk about it. I went with Parasite, which I know technically could be not considered a comedy. I personally find it to be a comedy because I think that the jokes are intentional. They happen very often and it is a hilarious movie. Obviously, it does that great thing that comedies do where they shed a light on issues and things that folks should be talking about. In this case, class inequality, things like that. But this movie's been out for a while. I just wanna say, if you don't think that this is a comedy, if you haven't seen the flooding scene, that would be the only way that I would think that you would not see this as a comedy because that flooding scene is nothing but huge physical comedy. That is all that this is. And so much of this is, the Calava comedy is based on dialogue. It gets really twisted and it gets really not so funny towards the end, but I would argue that a lot of comedies do that. This feels like comedy in the way that a lot of TV shows that are billed as comedy do have some dramatic elements to them, but they're still comedy. So I am going with Parasite. That's a great bit.
They're such a funny movie. It's a really funny movie.
I feel like the flooding scene was very sad. Well, which part? All of it. Well, yeah, it's sad, but the physical comedy of it.
Okay, no, when she's smoking a cigarette or when the whole time they're trying to keep the, we'll talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll talk about it. We'll talk about it.
Okay, so mine I think is a more conventional comedy, even though it has a title that doesn't sound funny. How are these organized here? Probably not at all. Yes, many are even upside down, making it extra hard to read. Okay, here's a contender for comedy, Running Scared, starring Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal.
It is a movie about cops. I'm sorry. You love the police.
But this is a movie about two cops who are just trying to finish this one last case so they can quit being cops and leave Chicago and move to Key West where they wanna open a bar. Has anyone seen this movie? Yeah, but it's been ages. Okay, there's a part in the movie where they basically just like quit the case they're on and they just go on vacation. And it's just this long section where they just like roller blade around and just hang out in Key West. And I've never seen a movie like this that does have like the police and crime aspect to it. Just have the characters basically quit, just leave town and go have fun and be like, you know, we don't like our jobs. We should just come out here and just like drink pina coladas all day. And that's the goal of the movie, to do that.
And it's also, look, there should have been like five movies with Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines as like a duo. It's a perfect like buddy comedy. Also has Joe Pantoliano, which immediately elevates every single movie. You know, Bound was one of our winners before. Joey Pants is in that.
And it's just a delightful little movie that I feel that also has a great car chase. I know this is a comedy, but it's a funny car chase on the L train track in Chicago, they're driving on it.
It's great. It's a barrel of laughs. It is, according to someone named Judith Crist, it's the best buddy movie in years. What more can I say? Brought a comedy. All right. And I have a VHS tape as well. You love to see it.
Yeah. I think this is the first time I've seen someone try to find things specifically in their head. Well, it's more just like I have a guidepost and if I'm looking for it, I might see something else. I just got to find the thing that I lost track of here a second ago. Yeah, you're not able to help me because that would violate the rules. You, that's the prime directive, right? Yep. A lot over there. Yep. One thing I'm looking for, but I don't see it.
How long do I have? How many minutes are we counting down?
There it is.
This is one of my favorite movies, Broadcast News by James L. Brooks. Now this is available on DVD and Blu-ray. It's a Criterion title, but I believe I would have seen this in the theater where it came out. I definitely own this VHS tape. It's one of those movies that I could watch over and over and over again. It's, there's a very small handful of movies that if you just, if you tried to torture me by putting this on a loop where you could only ever see this, I would foil that because I'd be like, yeah, you played right into my hands. I want to watch this.
What set you? What? What situation?
Nevermind. Like a jigsaw type situation. Okay, okay, okay. Like a dumb jigsaw. A jigsaw hasn't figured out what I like and don't like. You know that thing when you end up in a jigsaw situation? Oh yeah. Oh, sorry.
Classic jigsaw.
He thinks he's got my number. He's going to show it to me too much. Maybe that's his strategy. Like, see if he like feeds someone too much candy and then they're sick of it, but I would never get sick of this movie.
It's a romantic comedy, but it's also a documents movie because they're journalists. Just like in Transylvania 6500, I like movies about journalists, but it's also about ethics. It's a comedy that has substance because part of the triangle has to do with like Albert Brooks plays a very talented and serious reporter. William Hurt plays a very skilled and attractive on air anchor person. One of the things that I think is fascinating about this movie is that it really plays with your idea of like what skills are valued in a certain profession.
You know, there's a great cameo by Jack Nicholson in this. You first see him revealed on like a monitor in the back that like, oh, who's the head anchor for this network? And then you cut to him like, oh, it's this iconic Jack Nicholson performance.
It's very funny. It's very smart. Even though I think the ethics in journalism, it's now a time capsule because one of the key things that's in this is about authenticity in news. What's more important, entertainment or journalism? And this movie calls it. Like it's one of those movies where like network that it calls the shot. Like the entertainment part is going to overtake the news part. I think it's prescient. I think it's smart, funny, holds up. Who says that comedy can't be important?
Who said that? You did just that. Millie, did you say that? Who said that? I didn't say it. So Millie, last but not least, what do you got?
This shit is like dollar store movies. This is kind of like rom-com. That's what you need is a rom-com genre.
And honey and Josie and the Pussycats. We have comedy classic, Josie and the Pussycats.
I have to say you get two more movies for the price of one. So in your video store, you will also get Blue Crush, which I almost picked as my drama.
Honey, we can ignore. No, we can't. Don't you dare ignore, honey.
You know, is it a snapshot of white woman goes into an inner city place and saves it? Yes, a la Michelle Pfeiffer, gangster.
Dangerous minds.
I'm a little bit of an expert in the Save the Rec Center movie. And this is a lot closer to like a break in one or a break in two. Yeah, Save the Rec Center. It also has fantastic music done by Missy Elliott. Tweak is in it.
Yolanda Adams. Yolanda Adams is in there as well.
And also you get Missy Elliott being really funny going, what is all of this? I might have that movie in my mind. So your pick is actually honey now, right?
No. No, but it enhances. No, it's not. It's an enhancer.
Very strong anti-capitalist message. What it had to say about boy bands, girl bands, capitalism.
It was like the height of TRL. It was the height of TRL.
And it's definitely a cult movie. Like it did not do very well because people were like, what is this? I don't get it. It was a huge failure at the time.
Yeah, yeah.
And then I think once it started going onto cable and people started to like see it on there, they're like, wait, this is like secretly one of the most genius comedies I've ever seen. And very self-aware. Like Spice World, that's another movie that's really fucking funny and really self-aware and like doesn't take itself too seriously. You know, again, when we're talking about what movies are taken seriously as comedies and whatever, it's very rarely female led ones.
Like broadcast news.
Academy Award nominee for that year. I think that was the same, I think, was that the same year that she was in Raising Arizona?
Cause it was a real breakout moment for Holly Hunter that she was at two very different performances, both funny, but with completely different comedic styles. And she's third billed in this, but she is the lead. She's the lead character, yeah. And because she's the character who ultimately changes in the love triangle.
And there's actually, I won't spoil the ending of the movie there is a fascinating, not on this, deleted scene. Oh God. It's on the criterion? It's on the criteria. Cause I have that.
Well, basically James L. Brooks had an idea for the ending to this that I guess the studio maybe didn't want. And they were like, do an ending that's like this. There's this scene that I'm convinced they sabotaged on purpose. Cause they're like gave the studio like a single angle, like semi improvised sounding take. It's like the worst. Like if you watch this movie, you're like, oh, I wish it had a different kind of ending. They did it. And it looks like the type of ending that you turned in just being like, I dare you to choose this take.
Yeah, but strong female lead. Strong female lead.
It's just like now just the classic Patrick move. I'm going to remove mine from contention because I love Parasite as well. I'm not going to put keep us in contention. I just want to talk about Parasite.
I told him, it's one of the best movies I've ever seen. I would have never framed it as a comedy. Definitely the whole time I'm just tracking the humor. And if you think about the parts of it that really went viral was everything that was super funny. It was like Chicago, like that part was really funny. And the flood, yes, obviously it was really sad in the aftermath of it. But if you look at the way that they're playing it, it has played very high comedy. Like obviously it's got that, those really disturbing elements, which I don't think are out of place in comedies, but Josie and the Pussycats is one of my favorite movies of all time.
I feel like I'm picking your favorites. I feel like I got in there.
I could like, literally, I could sing so many of those songs right now, but I can't because copyright. Change the lyrics just to make parody versions. Cause that'll be fair use.
There's three small girls.
So he looked at me and he said something, something, and I can't say the words because it's illegal. But if they could say the words, they would sound like you would hear them coming out of my mouth.
Why do you do what you do to me, baby? And now I'm just doing the song. Making my confidence driving me crazy.
Broadcast News is also an incredible, incredible movie. The hard part about this really for me when it comes down to these two is like, this is also about preserving physical media. It's about preserving movies that are maybe not necessarily going to be the easiest to find in other places. In this case, and this brings up the ethics of it and that you've brought in three movies, which seems like a masterful move that I'm not certain is entirely ethical. Well, first of all. But it's the only way that you could get your pick in. So I feel like you're covered, but just ever so slightly because you're preserving three movies.
This is like having bonus features. Yeah, this is bonus features. But it's also- All the irony, you who hate bonus features bring in two feature-length bonus features. Two deleted feature films.
Well, in my defense, you made the case for Broadcast News. I want to, I mean, not over Jocelyn Piscat's, but I do, I've never seen it. I recommend it. And I want to watch it. But I take your point. On the one hand, I do feel like as a VHS, there's a charm to it, but you're right.
If you were looking at preserving the film, there's better versions. There's more- It's in the Criterion Collection.
Yeah. But maybe that's the point. Can I say this? And this is a hail Mary pass.
This is mono compatible. So for those of you- Well, that changes everything. For those of you audiophiles who have a great mono setup, who despise stereo. If you like the 0.1 and 5.1, this is the movie for you. Clearly. And if you thought mono was a disease you got after a kiss of the wrong boy in sixth grade, this is the one for you. I genuinely would be happy to go with either one of these.
I'm not going to be the deciding vote. I will say, if we're talking comedies, I just have to highlight this because it hasn't come up yet. The sequence in Broadcast News where Albert Brooks has his one shot to be an on-air anchor and can't stop sweating as like sweat is pouring down from his hairline down his back is I think one of the funniest sequences in all of cinema. And I just have to, I'm not saying that's got my vote, but I'm just like, we have to mention that and maybe hopefully put a clip of it as I'm talking about it because that scene is so good. Patrick's about to make a point. No, well, I was just looking at one of the, but I'm realizing all of these are, I got confused in the layout of the triple feature as to what reference to what.
So I thought this was about Josie and the Pussycats. It's actually about honey. That's PG-13 because of drug content. Oh no, hold on.
No, it was Blue Crush has sexual content, teen partying, language, and a fight. Yes, because- I just love that it's language and a fight. Because- One fight in Blue Crush.
She's come over to us. She cleans, she's all made and she finds condoms in this guy's room and then, and drugs too. But he's a football player and they end up sleeping together.
Now, would you prefer honey or Blue Crush? That's the question. I would say Blue Crush. I'd say honey over Blue Crush. Honey has Lil Romeo.
But Blue Crush has a scene where she's training to be a surfer and she's dragging a rock underwater. You know that iconic scene? She's just pulling the rock underwater to try to get more breath control. But this one has Tweet in a rig and she's doing like this really whack dance.
That's true. What I really love here, opening up the case, is you see that here's the Josie and the Pussycats disc. But then, instead of having three discs, they put Blue Crush and Honey on the same disc, showing them deep disrespect, but also knowing what the important one is. I will admit, I haven't seen Blue Crush or Honey. Oh, really?
Why do you hate women?
I love Josie and the Pussycats. Doesn't that make me like a full-fledged feminist now? I like that one movie. I have all my cred now.
Not when you say it like that. Give me my feminist cred. Okay, wait. I like a movie about women. Okay, wait, calm down. Yeah. No, no, be quiet. I'm gonna, let me talk over you and demand more feminist cred. Okay. I'm sorry, I'll shut up.
Yeah, I don't know. I am willing to, I made my case. I say, let's go with it. You got my vote. Okay. Well?
There's something that I love about the triple feature. Yeah. It's so funny. For the archive, because you really feel strongly about the Rec Center, even though this is about Josie, but this is a very important genre that we do need to preserve. Yeah, maybe we'll do that. We'll do one of those one time and we'll just do like best Rec Center movie. Yeah, I mean, a thing that I've thought about is we don't, in this show, in the format of the show, we don't really have the right genre for like a Rec Center dance movie. Where does that go? Or Freedom Writers or, you know, whatever. Isn't that a drama? Yeah, but it's very, Rec Center. Yeah. Let's just do a Rec Center episode. Also, the other thing I wanna say is this is the comedy round and I think bringing in a triple feature featuring two movies that are not comedies is so funny.
Yeah, it's kind of ridiculous, it's great. Okay, I will, I'm happy to have this win. And yeah, I do feel like this is a great time. It holds up really well. And Rosario Dawson, I mean, come on.
Ahsoka. That's her? That's true, that is Ahsoka. Yeah, Connor be happy. Ahsoka. I am happy. What do you mean? You love Ahsoka.
Yeah, it's fine. I haven't seen it. That's all. I feel like I should win an award. You did, you got the things on the thing. That's true. Yeah, you got the things on the thing. What's more prestigious than that? Yeah, the producers will mail you an award. Okay, okay, great, great, great, great, great.
It's that movie. I'll mail you that movie.
Okay. With a sticker on it that says, congrats. All right. Okay, so that's it.
It's Josie and the Pussycats. The disrespect to Honey Daniel. Featuring bonus features.
One of the pleasures of browsing a store that has a big selection is sometimes you find something that becomes your new favorite thing that you never would have found if you hadn't been browsing in that store on that day. Sometimes you make huge mistakes. You rent things that you think you'll like because the box looks good and you take it home and you realize, I used to make the mistake at Kim's Video in New York when I moved to New York and that was still sort of like the last era in which I was renting things. They had so many weird bootlegs that I would go in and they had all these great movies there but I would rent like the weird bootleg of like the Beatles cartoon show and I would give it home and I'd be like, I don't wanna watch this. This isn't good. But I would rent things because they were weird and because they were rare. Not because I thought they would make the evening better. |
SaturdayNightLive | winston_university_saturday_night_live | Students, could we have quiet, please? Students, this is Mr. York. he's from Winston University. Thank you. Hi. Winston University is a four-year liberal arts institution, which is located just 35 miles west of Boulder, Colorado. you kids like to ski?
No. hey, this is the science building. And we've got excellent laboratory facilities on campus, very modern equipment. Is anyone here interested in science? No? yeah. yeah. I'm interested in aerodynamics.
Now, you people are seniors now. this college day is for your benefit. you only have two more years to decide about your future. so I suggest that you pay attention. go ahead, Mr. York. thank you. This is the main Quad. right there. there's the main Quad. It's been a while since I've been on the campus. This is the main Quad. This is where most of the freshman dormitories are. Now, if you're a freshman there, you're required to use the dorms for the freshman year. you'll like them. they're very nice.
Oh, excuse me. Mr. York, are you all right? I'm sorry. terrible headache. do you have any aspirin?
Oh, yes. there's some up in the teacher's lounge. I'll go get some. Thank you very much. Now, you kids behave yourself.
I'll be right back. how long will it take you to get back here? How long, dammit? I don't know, about three minutes.
Ok. wake up. let's go. close those blinds. let's go. close those blinds. let's go. get this thing started. Ok, sit down. Now, listen carefully.
I'm about to tell you something. it's a secret. If this secret ever leaves this classroom, I will find you. and I will kill you.
You understand? Here's how it works. your parents cough up $12,000 a year to send you to Winston University, right? We split it right down the middle. $6,000 for you, $6,000 for us. for four years, that's $24,000. Got it?
All right, this is the campus. all of the buildings on campus, fake. This building is the dormitory. that's what we use it for on only one day of the year, Visiting Day, April 12. We don't care what you do with the money. we don't care where you go. But you must be back on Campus. Visiting Day, April 12. If you are not back on Campus Visiting Day, April 12, we will find you and we will kill you. this is your diploma. you will be handed your diploma when you first arrive on campus, but you are not to show it to anybody for four years. if you show your diploma to somebody within the four-year period, we will find you and we will kill you.
Excuse me, but what about our education? What about learning?
I'm sorry, go on. thank you. your grade point average will be a 3.8. Congratulations. we have operators on duty to forward all your phone calls. we will be forwarding your mail now. wait a minute, can we really get away with this? Last year, Winston University had a graduating class of $59,000. no books, no tests, no classes, just $24,000 in four years to spend in it. Winston University, remember our motto. you tell anyone and we'll kill you. And where are you going to spend your next four years?
Thank you. take some applications on the way out. thank you very much. nice seeing you. Bye bye. bye bye. here you go. Oh, thanks, but I'm feeling much better now. Well, I have never seen my students so enthusiastic. you must be a terrific salesman. yeah, but the school really sells itself. well, I can imagine. you know, a lot of the faculty here are graduates of Winston University. Oh, really? well, I've got to go. thank you very much. bye. nice talking to you. bye. no one seems to ever talk about it much, though. Hmm. thank you. thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_james_carville_on_national_security_saturday_night_live | The Obama administration was criticized by Republicans this week for their handling of the attempted Christmas Day bombing of Northwest Airlines flight 253. Here with the rebuttal is the raging Cajun himself. Mr. James Carville Well, it's good to have you here, James. So what is your take on the Christmas attack?
Okay. I don't know what everyone's so worried about. Seth, A guy put a bomb in his underpants and burned his manhood off. This isn't a real terrorist. this here is a Wiley Caliada. Now what are you gonna try next? Drop a giant acme anvil on Washington, Paint an airport on the side of a mountain, and hope a plane flies into it. it's Looney Toons. That's complete looney. Toons.
You have to be a little concerned about the intelligence failures. Our intelligence community did everything wrong. Seth and I mean Everything. And the worst thing that happened is that terrorist turned his kielbasa in the baba ganous.
Okay, now when you were asked about the new body scanners at airports and the potential violation of privacy, you said quote: just measure my penis and let me get on the airplane. I said that. Yeah. yeah. no. yeah, they'll measure measure. my penis is a long process and I intended the hell out of that pun. They don't just call me the Cobra because of my snake face. It's like a rain stick on that.
Now, what do you think about former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani claiming there were no domestic attacks under George W. Bush? Yeah, well, I guess he conveniently forgot to mention 9-11. that's like the Mayor of Pompeii saying you. we never have problems with volcanoes. It's ridiculous, Seth. I mean, these Republicans are like a fat lady in a milkshake store. they're grasping for straws now. Finally, I wanted to ask you about Dick Cheney and his comment. Yeah, yeah. Dick Cheney's comments last week. the President Obama refuses to admit that we're at war. Yeah, Old Dick has caused more more trouble than I thought he would, and that means it's time for an elaborate prank.
Now, what you do is you buy up all the property around Cheney's house, then you drug him so he falls asleep for like 48 hours. and you bring in some Hollywood set designers. They go to work and when Cheney wakes up and looks out the window, he thinks he's in Baghdad. Then he watched it go. Don't worry, Cheney, Cheney, a heart attack is like a hiccup. that is.
That is pretty crazy advice. Oh pretty crazy son of a bitch. You. |
cracked | worst_decision_ever_made_in_the_harry_potter_universe_stuff_that_must_have_happened | I assure you, whichever way we go, Slytherin House, or Berry House, I am confident you will make a fine addition to the Hogwarts School. Oh, thank you, Miss Ravenclaw. I'm just so great. Well, I need to hear Salazar. Also, according to your references, nothing. They're all dead. And you've got a very passionate opinion when it comes to Muggles. Muggles! Where are you? Interesting reaction. Do you see, Griff? Can't we just hire Berry and save ourselves all the trouble of having to fell a dark lord somewhere down the line? He's a little on edge, so what? His name is Slytherin. How is that not a warning sign? My mother's maiden name is Death Mother. She's a very lovely woman. Your name is Ravenclaw. We all have crazy names, my dear. Except Berry. That dick in her butt. How are we? Quite through here.
I have schemes. Schemes? Plans? What's plans? Lesson plans.
What was that? What the fool said? What the most foolish of you fools said.
The lesson plan thing. I'm going to go murder some lesson plans. Well, I'm still torn. How are you torn?
The answer is Berry House. It has always been Berry House.
My word! Is he all right? Oh, no. Gazuna Heights. He's gone. Not to worry, everything is perfectly murder. Gazuna Heights, Salazar. Thank you. Such manners. I accept your offer for the position of evil ruler of the world. Not on the table.
As evil head of Hogwarts. Evil head of a house of Hogwarts.
I accept that. I didn't offer it to you. You will. Such confidence. Keep it in your cloak, Gryffindor. All right, welcome aboard. You will not regret this.
I'll do it just too late. What? I'll do it just too late.
Hey everybody, thank you for supporting Cracked. If you'd like to subscribe to our channel, please do so now. I don't actually know. One of these directions is the subscribe button. In honor of the year ending, I'd like to give you all a gift. Because it's the giving season. I am flexing every muscle in my body. You're welcome. |
cracked | ready_player_one_trailer_looks_insane_justice_league_looks_insanely_bad_more_this_week_in_epcd | Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture discussion. This is our weekly unscripted pop culture show, where we take all of the headlines that are not about news, or the president, or anything important, and really talk about them until we get thirsty or we run out of time. I am your host as always, Daniel LaBrien, my co-host. Co-host. Now you may fish. Who is here?
Oh, what the f**k? and Soren's back. That's what happens. You leave.
I invited other, Dan said that other people could be on the show. I was inviting other people to do it. And you get, grandfathered in as a co-host because you were here the whole time? She refused to let other people come in and I recognized what a great strategy that was.
You're such a bummer. I boxed out. All right, well, I'm on the show. It's fine. Basketball. Well, that'll be the tone for this episode. |
cracked | bob_odenkirk_says_they_shouldn_t_have_put_me_on_breaking_bad | Kirk's early career was stuffed with Second City, Saturday Night Live, The Ben Stiller Show, and Mr. Show. Drama was a weird turn, and Oden Kirk thinks so too. In a recent interview with Tony Hawk on his podcast, he says while he's grateful, he has no idea why he was on the show at all. You're doing all this and it's all comedy all the time. Yeah.
And then, and I don't know what the transitional phase is, but there's no transition. They shouldn't have given me, they shouldn't have put me on Breaking Bad. I did nothing to- How did that come back? Nothing. I didn't audition for it.
In fact, Oden Kirk was so sure it was a mistake, he literally thought they got the wrong Bob. I was genuinely concerned that I would land and I would be told there's another Bob Oden Kirk. He went to Juilliard. He's a fucking great actor. I'm so sorry. We should have checked the names. Of course, he was so perfect for the role. He went on to do it for six seasons in his own show, the Emmy and Golden Globe nominated, Better Call. |
cracked | why_westworld_is_the_dumbest_good_show_ever_made_cracked_responds_spoilers | Westworld!
The premiere of this show I thought was really strong. Really good, yeah. The music was fantastic. Every time there was like... A radio head song?
Yeah.
Preplayed or like painted black play when you were like... Yeah, that's pretty dope. That got me on board. I think that's why I stayed on for the eight episodes. It's like, ooh, what's the player piano?
Yeah, once you watch an episode, you have to watch all of them, even if it's terrible. Particularly this kind of television, which is the J.J. Abrams style of storytelling where they just randomly withhold information.
Mystery box. It's a mystery box.
But not really. The mage. Right. It's not a mystery box.
It's a gift that you get at the very beginning, a puzzle, but like a bunch of pieces are missing. Every few episodes, someone's like, oh, by the way, here you go, now you can finish your puzzle. The first reveal is that Bernard is a robot.
Sure. And they do that by having him go into the cabin with the Danish lady. Right, he kills her. Right. She says there's a door here, and he's like, what door?
And we know at that point, the robots are programmed to not see things that challenges their world view. But then they stretch it out to be like, she walks downstairs and finds these schematics, and it's like they really linger on her being like, doesn't look like anything to me.
The next big reveal is that Bernard is Arnold. And they draw that out until like a 10 minute sequence. The mystery of who's Arnold for the entire season, basically. I'm hearing this voice, and we're mentioning Arnold, who is it? And then you're not in the middle of a scene and suddenly like, oh, reveal, you're Arnold. In this scene, we're going to talk about who Arnold is.
Bernard. Would you have anything? Like, so you're setting it up in the same way like with Billy and the Man in Black. The big reveal of the Man in Black. That's about a 10 minute sequence. And it starts with, I knew a guest named William too. Let me tell you a story that only Billy would know. Right.
You know that she remembers stuff. She's been remembering stuff this whole time. You watched it when she first started remembering stuff.
Anyway. It was me. It was like, that's me in theory if you don't have 10 minutes beforehand. Right. I really want to thank you, Dolores. Well, there was a small chance it was Logan, but also he had tied Logan to the back of his horse the same way he tied Lawrence to the back of the horse. And I thought that was also the reveal that we were supposed to put together.
Like they keep giving Ed Harris, like his mission when he starts out is like, I got to find the center of the maze. So it starts out with him scalping that guy and he's got a map on the back. Turns out that map is totally irrelevant. Why would it be printed on the other side of every robot scalp? What he needs to get to the center of the maze keeps changing. By the time we get to the end of it, it's clear they were just adding more steps for him to just stretch his storyline. Because at first it's got to find Clifton Collins Jr. It's like, no, then I got to find Lady with a tattoo interface.
And spoiler alert, he doesn't need to find any of these people. He doesn't need any of that. He just needs Dolores, who he started with. But even then he didn't need Dolores.
All he needed to do was show up at the reveal of Ford's new narrative. Like he could have just like been at home for weeks and been like, oh, he's revealing that thing. I better put on my tux and go. And then he'd get shot. And he'd be like, ooh, eh. I'm glad.
No. He didn't do it.
My favorite part of the finale was when Ed Harris gets shot, he's like, f**k yeah. That's a good moment for that character. And that makes sense. Now that I have all of the information about what's going on, now I can be satisfied by these things. Now I can enjoy the story.
Okay, so as a whole, Fanny Newton's whole character, the Maeve character, good actress. She's always really good. She's very strong in this show.
As soon as she gets to these two f**king yahoos, Felix and Sylvester, who are both named after cartoon cats for whatever reason. You'd write these two unbelievable characters.
One who's like, maybe I'll like try to get a promotion or like put an application for this. You're not gonna do that.
You're a butcher. You've always been a butcher.
They don't act like humans. No, they don't. They'll always be butchers because they don't act like f**king people. They're probably robots. They're not smart enough.
At least once in an episode, I would just think like, okay, but just like go tell your boss. Right. So he did look at his hands and she did say, you're not a robot. You're a human being. And that's all well and good. But we find out later that she's been programmed to do all of these things. It's part of her narrative to escape, to do this, to do that. So it's completely plausible that part of her narrative is that she sees that Bernard is a robot. Yeah. But these two guys, she doesn't see that. How many times can you do the same reveal of like, and they're a robot and they're a robot? They can do it.
How many seasons?
They can do it forever. When they revealed that Bernard was a robot. They can now do this whenever they want to. Well, like that's a fun, fine trick to have in your bag of tricks if you're writing a show.
So we want to talk about the security system real quick in the park, which is. Or lack thereof. Am I right? Yeah, right.
They have characters that disappear, but they also have a giant map of the park that tracks everybody. They have to track everyone all the time and we're told there's like a thousand guests there.
The whole work floor is glass for the explicit reasons that nobody can be doing anything untoward or sneaky. The Elsie character goes up to creepy sex monster and it's like, you're going to let me get this codes that I want because I have video of you f***ing this robot. And then like in the last episode, he's just on the floor, on the work floor, just jerking it while he's feeling up.
Yeah, at least the first time. Oh, I don't get fired for this? Sure. I do want to add a positive note. That scene with Teddy and Dolores on the beach was really effective. Yeah, that's really good. That's a good example, I think, of what we're in store for in the future seasons because that was, here's this scene, now we're going to change the context. It's actually this.
Isn't that a reveal as opposed to there's a history that you don't know and what's it going to be in regards to Samurai World? So in the original film, Westworld, there was Westworld, there was Rome World, and there was Medieval World. There was no Samurai World.
So there's going to be tons of these places. I hope so. Maeve had that as a piece of paper.
Her daughter's in Park One. Park One. How many parks you got?
We could still see Caveman World. Yeah. I mean, she had that whole line about... They say that great beasts once roamed this world as big as mountains. We had Jurassic Park. Hey, Michael Crichton. So serious overview.
Good pilot. Good finale.
Middle parts. Bullshit. There were some whole lot of bullshit. There were some parts in the middle that I liked, and I think it's just a symptom of it being a mystery, even though it's not.
By the end of this season, you know everything you need to know. A 10 episode, like, prologue, basically. But I will say it gives me a lot of hope for next season. Because this show, William Turned in the Man in Black, and this whole history of the park, they've taken all of the pieces out and told it in this weird sort of convoluted, mismatched way. But now it's done. So now it's at the point where, okay, we're in the present. We know basically everything we need to know, aside from the fact that there's probably space world and sea world and stuff like that. And also now, most of the characters can make choices, where you see characters want things, make choices to get them, and fail or succeed.
There was a tragedy that happened at Westworld. Like we're not going to get over the massacre that happened if we shut it down. It's a bunch of robots murdered people. That's been our nightmare forever.
Are you saying that that's a bad thing, though? No. Because that's... That's robots murdered? But that's really, really cool for the future of the show, because then you can say, like, oh, what's going to happen? I don't know. Maybe...
I mean, the park had shut down. Everyone that's in the park now is there.
So they're humans, and then there are robots, and now we're at war, basically. And then you also have, yeah, the military is going to find out about it, and they're going to come in. You're right. And that is Jurassic Park, essentially. Right.
So season two, we got all that out of our system. Hopefully... No more mysteries. Season two I'm very excited about, actually.
Just going to be watching these robots try to live on the island while there's also humans trapped in the island with them. The military might come in. We might see them bleed into samurai world.
There's just a... Oh, I like that. Hey, guys, please come out to UCB Sunset to see the next live crack podcast. It's going to be December 10th, and we're going to be doing our year in review app. We're calling it the year in review in review. What does that mean? I actually legitimately don't know yet, but I'm going to figure it out before then, and it's going to be awesome. Hope to see you there. |
TheOnion | Brooke_Alvarez_Must_Decide_Between_Watch_The_Throne_And_Carter_IV | Hi, I'm Brooke Alvarez, the undisputed world news leader. I'm just taking a few moments in between getting tonight's show ready and cyberstalking Wolf Blitzer to answer your questions.
Okay then. On Facebook, Tyler the Hater asks, Watch The Throne or Carter IV? Hmm, tough call. Both have a few hits with a lot of replay value and both have some filler with subpar beats. If this were a contest between lyricists, I'd have to give it to Jay-Z and Kanye for Watch The Throne. But we're talking about the overall package. I mean, which album do you want to drive around listening to when you're on your way to work or taking your dogs to the vet? I'd have to go with Carter IV.
I know the critics are going to disagree with me, but I love me some Lil Wayne. He's straight out of the prison and he's scrappy. Jay-Z's a legend, but I just prefer my hip-hop a little more raw and nasty.
That's all I have to say about that. If you'd like to ask me a question, just tweet it to my handle, at brookealvarez, or post it to my Facebook wall. Remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid question askers. Yes. |
dropout | every_hospital_scene_ever_ch_shorts | Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie? Katie?
Where am I? You were in a car accident.
Oh God, no! No, please leave these on.
Where the hell is he? I need to find him! Brad!
No, no, no. Don't take these out. Get these out.
How could this happen? You were hit by a minivan going down the highway on the wrong side of the road. Oh God, why?
You have three broken ribs, a broken leg, severe cuts and bruising, light head trauma, but we believe you'll make a full recovery. God, get these the hell off me! Katie, these are important.
Brad!
Can you hear me? Katie, can you hear me?
We gotta get out of here. They're trying to get us. I think they think we're aliens. They put a bunch of tubes in us. Get these tubes off of me! Gotta leave that in? I'm of this world. We're humans! Don't put your tubes in me, I don't want this. We're not prisoners!
Katie, I've got bad news. What? I totaled the minivan. I'm so sorry. Oh, God. It's gone. It's dust. Babe, as long as you're okay, I don't care.
Oh, no, no, no, no. We do not chew on the IV2. What are you guys pumping us with? They're probably putting mind juice in us. What kind of juice is this? Some government mind control, huh? Morphin?
Who are you working with? The FBI? CIA? Putin? Are you Putin? Huh? I'm not Putin. Are you Putin? Huh? Kaiser.
Get this off of me. I need this off of me. Stop putting them back on, man! I don't want to be a part of you. Please don't make it sexual. Hey, guess what? I don't want to be inside of you. I don't want you to do it.
Baby, look at me in the eyes. What?
We're not going back to jail. We'll make this and we'll help you jump out the window. We're on the next floor. Get back! We're jumping!
Dig deep! Push it!
We got to get out of here. You don't look like wolves. I'll feed you! Thank you, baby. Get that away from us. We're getting out! We got to get out of here. Come on, baby. We stay back. Get out of here. We're going to go get on the hog. Let's get out of here, baby. I'm not going back to jail!
Leave him alone!
I'm your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Partygoer_An_Unknown_Hack_An_Emergency_Trip_November_11 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap, on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin, you're joined by three of the greats from the Diamantina show, myself Clancy Overall, editor-at-large Errol Parker and lifestyle and weekend editor, Effie Bateman. How are we all? Yeah, not too bad mate, it's certainly getting hot up here in the Sampson Desert, we had a mob of Victorians come up in their caravans and that's all that they could talk about. Their body's too thin for this country Clancy, it heats up too quickly and they start whining like an old lawnmower. I tell you what though, while it might not be every grey nomad that does this but if the shoe fits, anything that's either free or not bolted to the fucking ground they'll take with them. I caught one grey haired bastard stealing the guna wrap out of a public toilet last week and when I asked him to put it back he told me to get fucked. Unbelievable. And on top of that we had a sausage chisel at the French Quarter Lions Club yesterday evening, it was an optional gold coin donation and that was meant to benefit our residents who were doing it tough but these Victorians, they must have caught wind and they came down and ate the lot. I mean we saved some but honestly we had to stop our President Freddie from getting that length of dog chain he keeps in the back of his fair lane, he was seeing red, he was ready to lash those blow-ins, I mean I don't know if you've ever seen a man get flogged half to death with a length of dog chain but it's not very pretty.
Especially not a senior citizen, I imagine that'd be pretty horrifying. No, it's much worse than getting COVID for a senior citizen, I mean that type of, you know, trauma to the face and head, scalp, that face. Back of the knees. I mean, you know, people can get over COVID in a number of days, I mean, but getting hit with a length of dog chain is something that takes much longer to get over. Yeah, and it probably affects their self-esteem a lot too, those old codgers, really, kind of they struggle with their confidence after something like that.
Anyway, how have you been Effie? Yeah, I'm good, I'm good, just visiting my mum and my sisters this weekend, having a nice wholesome one, should be good. Well that's great, you didn't have to deal with any of that riffraff that Era was talking about. Anyway, things have been pretty quiet for me, I keep hearing about this new COVID way but I prefer not to think about it. Either way, I'm staying in this weekend to, you know, mind my Ps and Qs and make sure that everything's in order for the holiday period. What's up first, Effie? Well up first, and somebody who's obviously not going to be staying in, I don't need alcohol to have fun, says mate who needs cocaine to have fun.
This one sounds a lot like your sister, La Dasha. Effie, yeah, I would agree with that. L dash A. Yeah, I'd agree with that.
Now the world of journalism has gone into overdrive at the moment after the revelation that old city district-based product designer Corey Kibble does not need alcohol to have fun. An office worker for 10 years, it has been long known that Kibble doesn't need alcohol to have fun, a personal fact he shares as readily as if it's a fact-sharing segment of a Zoom chat no one wants to be on. Yes, colleagues of Kibble state that work drinks are generally not complete until a light beer-drinking Kibble announces loudly to the room he doesn't ever need alcohol to have fun, because he does things like exercise in his spare time.
What he fails to mention is the fact that he would spend close to $900 a week on horribly cut, creatine-infused, rat-bait-infused, baby-laxative-infused cocaine, which I believe he buys from people that are at least three degrees separated from the local bikies. I tell you what, they should just fill every bag of that stuff with 1080. I mean, anyone who takes part in that depraved powder, I mean, they don't deserve to walk among us.
Well, that's very, let's say, very deter-tay of you there, Errol, especially knowing, you know, some of the hurdles your nephew Bryden's been having in front of him. No, he was on the ice, mate. Oh, yeah, that's been really different. That's a social issue. Now, what else have we got in the news here, Evy?
Alright, up next, a local man paying $60 for non-alcoholic gin, unaware of a product called Cordial. A new member of the non-alcoholic community has let a liquor store take his credit card for a ride, deciding to part with $60 for a bottle of non-alcoholic gin. Yes, at approximately 3.42 this afternoon, local geography teacher Sam Lyre lit 60 of his hard-earned dollars on fire as he walked out of the Batutah Grove family cellars with a bottle of Compost & Co dry London gin. A new proponent of teetotalism, the advocate understands Mr Lyre's considered the purchase to be an investment into his new-found hobby of avoiding alcohol at social occasions. We've certainly been bringing the baseball bats out for the non-drinkers this week, I've noticed. Well, believe it or not, mate, the highest selling beer at Dan Murphy's is Carlton's Zero.
Really? Yep. I got indigestion when I drank that. Real heart, well, is indigestion the same as heartburn, because I had that, maybe? Is it? No, well, I do remember that I had to go and buy it when you were going through your CrossFit phase, and you wanted a low-carb beer, and then there was that afternoon in the Sidley season last year where me and you sat around and put away half a carton of the stuff each, and then, yeah, we kind of felt like we were okay to drive. Has the gout gone away now? Yes. The non-alcoholic beer helped with the gout, but you know what the thing is, I was actually looking for no-carbs, and what I found was these no-carb, no-alcohol beers, if you have a hip flask, you can actually, you can Irish them up, the non-alcoholic beer, keep the carbs off, while also some hard liquor in the mix. It's an interesting flavour, but it certainly does the job, if that's the job that you're looking to get done, which is what we were when we were drinking 14 allegedly alcohol-free beers and pissing like racehorses.
Up next, with some local news, and a bloke on date three discreetly ducks into servo after making a poor judgement call with garlic-heavy dish. Yes, a bloke who's found himself on a pivotal date number three, which is the one where you usually get a root, has unfortunately made a poor judgement call with his meal choice, which now has the potential to impact how well the rest of the night goes, if you know what I'm saying. Samson Dale is alleged to have organised a date at his favourite Chinese joint, fuck, what a rookie, which admittedly he'd taken a few dates to, when he made the faux par, ordering what was arguably the most garlic-heavy dish on the menu. Yep, it's a shocker, you can see why, I mean, you had to get a packet of chewy, with a meal like that, I'm surprised you didn't get one of those hip flasks, Listerines. Everyone knows that if you make that kind of bungle, you've got to go for the real bottom shelf, like the fisherman's friends or something, like the type of thing that turns your mouth from like, the eastern... You need to like scour a layer off to get rid of the garlic.
But, I'll tell you what, I think he went with the extra spearmen, he did himself a favour there, and from all reports he did get a leg over, so good on you Samson. I actually made the fatal error once of having, well I ordered a banquet, meat-heavy, five types of meat at an Indian joint, date three, samosa's roti as well, it must have been a fusion food restaurant. It must have been a western Indian restaurant, if there's five types of meat there are. Yeah, well of course, the cow and the pork, I was surprised. But then, you know, you find yourself, you go have an espresso at the end of the night and basically the flood gates are open, you're on the can for about an hour, so she was outside, luckily she was a smoker, so she was able to wait outside and play on her phone. Didn't get the bickies in the end, but I learned a valuable lesson.
Yeah. Well for our next headline, I'm going to swing it to you Clancy, because I feel like it needs a guttural deep voice to do it properly. To read this headline? Yes, yes.
This headline reads, ha ha, fuck, the boys are rolling up to the formal on the back of a ute. Yes, and some big news from Batuda Ponds this week. It can be confirmed that Braden and the boys have made a serious splash around that part of town. Yes, the extremely popular year 12 student at Batuda Ponds High and his mates have caused a major stir by rolling up to their formal, in an unorthodox but epic ride. While some of the more straight edge kids in the year have pulled up in their Pops vintage cars, or their uncles hotted up Monaro, Braden and the lads decided to roll up on the back of his older brother's ute.
It's really good gear when you see that, they usually got a few stubbies going. Yeah, well in this picture we used, they all have glasses of white wine, which I guess is a sign of the times, that they've been saying for years that beer is on the nose, and all the kids these days are drinking. I can see those kids there, Braden, Tarnay, Tyrone, a natural wine, interesting stuff. That young fella on the back looks like he's had two bottles of sparkling Tasmanian white wine.
I know him, I know his family, it's a Declan, he's got a head like a half chewed minty that bloke. Yeah, well his father's got a head like a suck mango seed, so I guess. Yeah, like father, like son. The mango doesn't fall far from the minty tree mate.
Where are your lawyers now Bruce? Anyway, what else have we got in the news? A bit of finance there?
Yes, yes, RBA Governor Philip Lowe daydreams about having those Indian cops with his sticks here for Christmas to flog naughty shoppers spending frivolously in the economy. The happy-go-lucky economist that runs the Reserve Bank of Australia has revealed that he had a daydream recently, where naughty Christmas shoppers are beaten with sticks by burly Indian policemen who have a special hatred for people spending frivolously in our overheated economy. Yes, after years and years of outright begging Australians to live outside their means in some sort of neo-pagan orgy of consumerism and financial autofillatio, RBA Governor Philip Lowe has asked people to do the complete opposite so the economy can cool down and put a downward pressure on inflation, which our national bagman Jim Chalmers says is public enemy number yuan. Mr Lowe in his weekly phone call with the advocate's editorial executive said the daydream he had about shoppers getting flogged with a naughty stick is something he says has happened many times before.
Well, Clancy, as a man who's been to India, have you been hit with a naughty stick? Yes, I did, and I made the mistake of getting into trouble in the northern state of Punjab, where the military cast of the Punjabi men who are much larger than me, much larger, big seeks, and they can fucking swing a stick. I got one on the back of the legs as a lot of Pavlovian fruity and slip earlier mentioned that, we were talking about the boomers with the car chains and the dog chains. Dog chains hurt, but one of these, I don't even think they're bamboo, it's a certain type of timber that is native to the subcontinent. You get one of them at the back of the legs, it almost wins you, which is a disgusting sickening response to that level of pain. Well, as a teenager when I was having to backpack through Spain under Franco, I got hauled off a train by the Guardia Seville that used to have sticks like that, but they used to put lead weights inside the stick, and I got flogged to within an inch of my young Catholic life, so yeah, that's one thing. Was that when you came back and you had to get Wendell to dig a splinter out of your ass?
Was that related to that? Oh, the India trip? Yeah. Maybe. It's happened a few times actually in India.
Yeah, I also got flogged down there in Goa though. Have you ever done DMT? Flogged by those? Have you done DMT? I have, but I did.
I was acting like a fucking clown on that shit. I did make the mistake of doing it with some young Israeli men in Thailand. The sleeper hold, eh? Yeah, they were quite anti-social in the end, it really wigged me out.
Anyway, the last story today, we don't need to read it, you can kind of... Just try to imagine it. Do you want to read this last headline for us, Effie?
Yeah, so Barnaby Joyce reminded again that the fish in Parliament's fountain aren't there to eat his feet skin. Yes, the unsinkable Barnaby Joyce has received yet another written warning from the Parliament House staff for putting his feet in the fountain and letting all the fish in there eat the dead skin off his feet. Yes, under the parliamentary code of conduct, the fish in the courtyard water fountain aren't allowed to be fed by anyone other than the father of the house, and the father of the house is currently the member for Kennedy, Bob Catter, who witnesses say caught Mr Joyce with his feet in the fountain again and blew a fuse. So I've heard that the way that Bob Catter likes to feed the fish in the Parliament House fountain is that he spends all morning going around the garden collecting skinks. He collects these tiny lizards in a pillowcase, and when he's got about a good handful, he walks in there and throws them into the fountain, because he says, fish enjoy the hunt, because they do like to eat live animals themselves. I wouldn't mind watching that, I reckon you could get a little bit of a book going there. But these fish, they must be some of the most well-fed fish in Parliament House, because everyone knows that Barnaby Joyce has, in the scheme of things, quite good-looking feet.
Well, I mean, there's plenty of frayed skin on the side of them. I do remember when it was actually the Chamber of Commerce in Tamworth Band, Barnaby from wearing Birkenstocks down the main street, purely because of the, I mean, it's got good-looking feet, but there's the cracked heels and the tinea of course. I have heard on good authority that the way that Scott Morrison was able to get the Nationals in line before the next election was he actually sucked on one of Barnaby Joyce's toes. Well, look mate, he was doing his bit for the country, it took them two weeks of deliberation and then they realised that climate change was real, and then they all got voted out anyway, so ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country, and I believe SCOMO was a real testament to that kind of attitude of political selflessness. Well, look, if it was going to save the country from impending doom, I would suck Barnaby Joyce's toes too.
Alright, I think let's wrap it up. Okay Effie, if you say so, thank you everyone and enjoy your weekends. Have a good one. See you later. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_11_7_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're joined by myself, editor Clancy Overall and of course editor-at-large, Errol Parker. How are you, Errol? Good, mate. How are you? Thanks, mate. Of course, in the red corner, we are joined by the workplace millennial, Wendell Hussey, our news reader and our confidant. How are you, mate?
Doing well as always, Clancy. Doing well as always.
Now, starting off with some national news, returning One Nation Senator Malcolm Roberts has wasted little time getting right into it, just like us today. He's called for a royal commission into whether or not the blue tap is actually colder than the white tap on water coolers. This isn't the first royal commission that the big fella's called for, is it? I mean, just last year, I think he called for one into the science behind a microwave that was in the One Nation common room there at Parliament House. He's called for royal commissions into Islam, into corruption, into climate change. What's next? Yeah, not sure he really understands the whole royal commission thing, but he's demanding empirical evidence into whether the blue tap is colder otherwise.
I guess this is what happens when someone finds themselves in a spot of employment, having largely spent most of their life shooting pigeons at airports. He's never really had much to do with a water cooler before.
It's an issue that some people demand answers regarding. Well, I hope that Australia's most high profile Indian Australian gets the answers he's looking for. Actually, one of our readers, Brett Dalzell, did comment on that story, saying the data has been corrupted.
He said, we know that these taps in the 1930s were warmer than they are today. Logical scientific reasoning and empirical scientific evidence proves his theory. So it'll be interesting to see what happens there.
Now, in other interesting political character related news this week, the mad cowboy from Kennedy, Bob Katter, has caused quite a scene. That story was, Bob puts a hole through the telly after trailer for new Alligator themed movie pops up. Yeah, he's in a bit of hot water, actually. He woke up a few patrons at the motel in Longreach the other night after firing a few shots from his Smith and Wesson Model 27 into his television there in his hotel room. I think it was when the trailer for this new movie called Crawl popped up on the screen. Yes, I mean, it was an alligator he saw, but as Bob says, they're crocker roaches, all of them, big lizards. And they send chills down his spine, not because he's scared of them, but because he thinks we should be doing more to cull them.
And if you go up and you spend a bit of time in the Gulf or further into the top end, I think you'll find that a lot of people agree with him. Well, Elvis Presley, he famously used to turn off a television each night by shooting it. And I think anyone who's heard Bob Katter sing, I think they'd be able to put two and two together and see that, you know, maybe these two characters aren't too dissimilar to each other. Well, Mount Isa has been described as Queensland to Memphis.
Now, still outside town and we spoke to a clever family down in the northern rivers of New South Wales about a little life hack they've discovered. The anti-vaxxer parents have begun warping life expectancy statistics by counting their child's age in dog years. It's a very clever trick from the former Brunswick locals who moved up there for a bit of a tree change. Yes, instead of being slaves to the system and getting their children vaccinated, they've decided to take matters into their own hands because, you know, as many of our generation would remember, measles isn't that bad. As kids, we've survived it and now that there is a vaccination for it, a lot of people are questioning the government's agenda behind immunising young people against that condition.
That just kind of goes hand-in-hand with the lifestyle up there in the Northern Shivers, as they call it. It's another story we reported on this week about the freezing cold Byron Bay toddler who was just wondering if head-to-toe linen outfit was appropriate for early July. But I guess these things level themselves out because if you're wearing linen as a youngster in the middle of winter, you're probably going to be quite warm anyway because you'll have some sort of a fever. That family's moved on to protecting themselves from 5g now after they figured that out.
Overseas now and a man dragged around Italy by his girlfriend is gutted that real carbonara isn't made with one litre of cream. Yes, that Batutah Heights man certainly got a bit of a culture shock this week when he was overseas and he discovered that the Italians don't actually use two pints of full fat Paul's cream to make his favourite dish. If I'm not mistaken it's just a couple of eggs beaten together with a bit of guanciale and some black pepper. Yes, I believe that's the way they do it and it's a result of a westernised cuisine that he would have such a culture shock. You know the Australian carbonara has a following but you know it's a bit the same as during the New Delhi Commonwealth Games era when I went over there and realised that they don't actually use half a slab of butter in the butter chicken. In fact you'd be hard-pressed finding a bowl of butter chicken over there but it is mostly tomato I believe.
Moving on to sports now and things have gone from bad to worse for Australian tennis player Bernard Tomic. Skomo has now ordered that Dutton ban Tomic from re-entering Australia after he blatantly didn't have a go. And I would like to add that I think that Skomo also called on Peter Dutton to deny him a re-entry visa because he broke the promise of Australia and he was given a go by the government and and he has lost that go. He didn't have a go to begin with. Well he certainly had a go because he's a millionaire you know he's he's in the top tax bracket which means he automatically gets a go but he didn't use his go when he was over there therefore he lost his go and you can't come back here if you don't have a go. That's true and if you're in a position like Tomic was in Wimbledon representing Australia you've got a burn for us you know.
I know how good is having a go. How good is having a go. And how fucking shit is not having a go. Well it's so shit that he's gonna have to spend the rest of his life in England.
I know I am just so worked up I'm I'm out of here. I'm done. At least we can take solace in the fact that Ash Barty definitely has been having a go which came to an end the night before last so 15 match winning streak ended number one in the world for at least a week and a half there congratulations to Ash Barty good Queensland girl. Yeah that's it the Barty party is over for now and so is this bulletin by the sounds of things Errol's already left so thank you for joining us again for another week please be sure to subscribe to the podcast and join us again next week until then I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm Clancy Overell you be kind to each other. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_amazon_mother_s_day_ad_for_fifty_shades_of_grey_snl | This Mother's Day, why not show Mom just how special she is by surprising her with one of millions of gifts from Amazon.com. All Right, let's be quiet. Mom has no idea we're bringing her breakfast in bed, okay? Shh, shh, shh. Which means there's a million ways to give your mother a surprise she'll never forget. Happy Mother's Day! Hey, Julie, get out! Fifty Shades of gray. Isn't that. that sex book? What? No, go outside. Look, a microphone. Is that Fifty Shades of Gray? No, it's a cookbook. Mom, we got you bad stuff. I see that, Jonah. Thank you. You can just put it down over there. On Amazon.com, Mommy Surprises come in all sizes. Mom, happy Mother's Day. Oh, Fifty Shades of Gray. Get out. Is that Joel McHale? No, it's your dad. Get out! So this Mother's Day, go to Amazon.com and get Mom what she really wants. Fifty Shades of Gray. I'm Kendall. All Right, come on. Get Next to the kids. I Want to get a picture. Ready? One, two, yay! Oh, I'm smiling. The Kindle. What Are you reading, Mom? We'll never know. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Melbourne_Locks_Down_A_Dad_s_Love_For_His_Dog_Everywhere_Eddie_And_Much_ | You're listening to the Battuta Advocates Weekly News Rap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Battuta Advocate Weekly News Bulletin, you're joined by myself Clancy Overill editor of the Battuta Advocate, Errol Park editor at large, hello Errol. Hello Clancy how you doing today? Good mate, good mate, just getting amped up for Valentine's Day mate, I'm taking the Mrs down to Kensmasala, I believe there's this new thing called Pynnea which is basically a fetter I believe mixed in with lentils, apparently it's all the rave around town so the Mrs and I will be going there and probably pulling into the Lord Kidman after that for about 13 schooners to watch this rugby league fight night, so I'm not sure you know she got to pick the start of the evening I got to pick the end of it. Oh that sounds lovely Clancy, Wendell what are you up to mate? Not too much mate, taking the girlfriend out to Italian Domino's so she'd be very nice. Very nice mate, well on Sunday night I'm gonna be heading down to AMC bowling down there in the French Quarter, you know after I've been reading a few of these books in the past week have you blokes ever heard of MG Tower?
It's called Men Going Their Own Way. Ah the male separatist movement.
Yep, yeah basically so you know I'm at a level four at the moment so I'm actually quite lucky to be coming into work or really you know attaching myself to any social norm in society at the moment so you know yeah just you know not really falling into the consumerism around Valentine's Day and all the negative connotations that come with things like that you know. Fair enough, Errol sounds pretty full-on, enjoy that double chocolate thick shake on Sunday night, let's get into the news shall we? Let's do it.
Righto the first story we've got here is the story of the hour and it's about the imminent lockdown that is about to happen in Victoria from midnight tonight, five days the headline on the story reads Victorians not getting any sympathy this time. You want to tell us what this one was about Clancy? Look first time we were willing to thank them, congratulate them for their sacrifices but not anymore I think I think there's their third lockdown now so I know we're going to be met with backlash for this position but I hold the editorial line that they are not getting any sympathy this time. Well I don't recall you giving them any sympathy the first time Clancy.
Oh I did look I didn't you know join into the conspiracies or anything like that like many other conservative newspapers around the country did we you know we we stood by the public health measures at that time especially when they were getting 700 or so cases a day. Yeah. But you know we've got a city down there right now that are just going to be sitting back watching the tennis that brought this bloody thing in.
Let's move on now and we've got another story relating to a federal grants scandal and the headline read ah that's why this dodgy prick's been laying low. Yes it's been revealed that Peter Dutton's office fast tracked a one-off $880,000 federal government grant proposal to a retail association eight days after it made a political donation to the Queensland Liberal National Party in the dying days of their fruitless 2020 election campaign. Yes this newest scandal joins the countless private security contracts that have been given to Peter Dutton's mates the au pairs that have been fast tracked into the country for Liberal Party donors the international criminals skirting border regulations to go to the Crown Casino and now we've been given a little bit of context and an explanation as to why this dodgy **** been laying so low over the last few months. You could be the most xenophobic panel beater in all of Strathpine and you'd still think that this bloke is fucking dodgy. Yeah yeah yeah it seems to be that way look he nearly lost the election to a candidate that didn't even live in North Brisbane and he might just get finished off next election we'll see yet.
Not if get up has anything to do with it Clancy a bit of a human interest story now and report no love stronger than a dad and the pet he vowed he didn't want. Yes that's right this is a bit similar to you and that little Jack Russell you've got there Errol. We spoke to the family of 55 year old chippy John Wilchopay who says he still refuses to acknowledge his soft spot for the little dog that was caught on his lap the other day. Like you Errol he still calls it a stupid bloody mongrel of a thing and pretends he hates it whenever anyone is within earshot. Well I think you might be talking about John Warhope from down there in Batutah Heights. Oh it's Warhope is it I thought it was Wilchopay. Well I have to gloss over that one John if you're listening. Mate look I don't really like that dog you know but it has to be you know kept fed and warmed and patted by someone so someone's gonna do it so. Mate you built you built it a two-story doghouse. No you know that. I saw you down at the botanical gardens of that little Jack Russell the other day Errol.
Anything else in the news today Wendell? We'll get into a story about the News Corp bosses drawing straws over who has to tell Andrew Bolt that pedophilia is illegal. Yes was quite a prickly conversation by the sounds of things when Andrew Bolt was pulled into one of the bigwigs office after penning his distasteful and potentially highly fucking illegal opinion piece with the title why do elderly Australian men keep getting jailed for raping young boys.
He has since changed the headline but you can look it up if you don't believe me. It's rather concerning what's getting okay down there at the HQ of News Corp. Let's move on to some other Melbourne centric news and millionaire hot seat is now the last remaining avenue for Eddie Maguire's casual racism. Yes it was the biggest sports story in the world this week or at least in Australia. Actually at least it just made mostly in Victoria Eddie Maguire has stood down as the president of the Collingwood football club and with that it's become apparent that millionaire hot seat is the last bastion of Eddie Maguire's middle-aged red-faced casual racism. And one Victorian expat living out here in the Simpson desert he said to us it is a sad day for Collingwood and a sad day for the Victorian larrikin world mate With that attitude you won't go very far in the Queensland it's But he's not the only one Richard Burchnell weighed in with his two cents in the comments and said you should change your name to woke patoota.
Well Richard I have to tell you that is one of the lowest rent sledges we've ever received. It doesn't even make sense it wouldn't work as a newspaper title anyway or a masthead title.
The woke patoota maybe? The woke patoota advocate? No just woke patoota. Woke hooter advocate?
Well the best one we've ever received for those of you who would like to sledge us in the future is me tootah advocate. We spend too much energy and resources editorially believing sexual assault victims and everyone started calling us me tootah. Much much better sledge than woke patoota so blow that out of your arse Richard Burchnell get a real name. That was before Errol Parker went his own way though wasn't it? |
dropout | the_dark_knight_meets_superman | You can't just leave Harvey out there. Dent knew the risks. I'm going after Rachel.
HOOYAH! Haha! Yo, Bruce Man!
Sorry I'm late, dude. What's going on? What's the sitch? Ugh.
Rachel and Harvey are being held by the Joker in two separate ways. Yeah, yeah, the jokester got it.
What's his deal again? Mind control? Super strength? Something like that? He dresses like a clown. No, seriously, what is it? Like heat vision?
Because I have that. It's awesome. This guy knows. No, he carries a knife.
Sometimes several. And the buildings are really far apart. Like 20 blocks.
Are you fucking kidding me? BRB! Ooooh! Oh yeah! What the hell just happened? This is Dover. Anyone want to see a magic trick? Hahahaha!
Alright, dude, you're annoying, and you? You killed him.
No, I didn't. I just... Oh, wait. Quick quiz. You guys can or cannot breathe in outer space? Ugh. Did you guys see that? Can you guys see into outer space? No?
Oh, well, he's dead. Sorry. Wowie. Are you kidding? That was completely irresponsible.
And... What the hell is this? Oh, this thing is great. I just turn it on and he shows up with the bad guys. But what about... Guys! While you were arguing, Harvey did somehow became Two-Face, and now he's holding the Second National Bank of Gotham hostage. We're on it. You coming? What? Like, now? Ugh.
Excellent work. Okay. Okay, I'm here. Hey, Bat Bro! There you are. I think I got the guy.
But did you... Did you strike terror at his heart?
I don't know.
Okay, I'm here. Hey! Bat Bro! There you are. I think I got the guy. But did you... Bat Bro!
Did you strike terror at his heart? And did you make him fear the night?
I'm seriously about to pass out here, guys. Oh. I don't know.
I punched him in the head. That's enough!
It's time for Gotham to get the hero it needs. Not the hero it thinks it deserves, but the hero that it thinks that we think it needs to deserve. Because it's time to deserve a hero and things for Gotham, right? Dark Knight.
Right. Hey, Bat Bro! I hope it's not a big deal, but while you were talking there, I went ahead and stopped crying. Like, all of it. Oh! |
SaturdayNightLive | too_hot_to_handle_snl | Welcome back to Two. Lots of hands where the accents are all over the place, But the premise is simple. it's staying from physical intimacy and you win 200 Gs. Can you believe Netflix has made five seasons of this? Good evening, everyone. I introduced the ground rules of this retreat just 24 hours ago. and we've been so good, Laura. me and Izzy haven't even done nothing. even that Dom is pop a fit, yeah. we haven't even done hand stuff and I always do hand stuff. but it's all going to be worth it. the win is 200 grand. unfortunately, that won't be happening. last night, there was a rule break costing the Villa $3,000.
No! not until Hell. it was them two, wasn't it? actually, it was a kiss shared between Rodney and Glenn Beshamel. Oh, sorry, guys. I tried not to kiss Rodney, but then I wanted to, so I did. I guess I'm kind of wild like that. Wait, Rodney, you hooked up with Glenn? I know. we lost the prize money. Yeah, that's not why we're shocked. you could have snogged anyone and you went with Glenn. it's not my fault. there's something about her. listen to her voice. sorry, I had to sneeze. There was another rule break last night, costing the group $20,000. No! It was heavy petting in the grill area between Rodney and Glenn Beshamel.
No. sorry. I'm sorry.
I've just never met anyone like Glenn. she's so unpredictable.
Yeah. Rodney made ribs. let him use my body as a napkin. it doesn't matter. I picked 16 of these shirts. Rodney told me not to touch the grill. I did it anyways.
Okay, maybe this is more of a question for producers, but why is Glenn even here?
Oh, because I'm a horned up single like you guys. I had sex eight times, but who's counting? Me. I always count. except calories. you're what you eat, so I guess I'm Rodney's ass. jealous?
No, I'm actually numb from the waist down. Glenn is so weird and, like, old. actually, I'm 28.
I've just been through hell. another rule break is happening now. what's her name? she's kissing up his arm like she's mowing on corn. Not even a rule break. technically, no. but it makes me feel insane. So I'm draining the prize fund. someone unplug me. Mwah. mwah. mwah. get some kind of wild like that. Rules of this retreat just 24 hours ago. And we've been so good, Lotto. me and Izzy haven't even done nothing. even though Dom is proper fit, yeah. we haven't even done hand stuff, and I always do hand stuff. but it's all going to be worth it to win us 200 grand. unfortunately, that won't be happening. last night, there was a rule break costing the Villa $3,000.
No! it was them two, wasn't it? actually, it was a kiss shared between Rodney and Glenn beshemel. Oh, sorry, guys. I tried not to kiss Rodney. but then I wanted to, so I did. I guess I'm kind of wild like that. Wait, Rodney. you hooked up with Glenn. I know. we lost the prize money. Yeah, that's not why we're shocked. you could have snogged anyone and you went with Glenn. it's not my fault. there's something about her. listen to her voice. sorry, I had to sneeze. There was another rule break last night, costing the group $20,000. no! It was heavy padding in the grill area between Rodney and Glenn beshemel. sorry. I'm sorry.
I've just never met anyone like Glenn. she's so unpredictable.
Yeah. Rodney made ribs. let him use my body as a napkin. it doesn't matter. I picked 16 of these shirts. Rodney told me not to touch the grill. I did it anyways.
Okay, maybe this is more of a question for producers. But like, why is Glenn even here?
Oh, because I'm a horned up singer like you guys. I had sex eight times. but who's counting? me. I always count. except calories. you're what you eat, So I guess I'm Rodney's ass. jealous?
No, I'm actually numb from the waist down. I believe he's so weird and like, old. actually, I'm 28.
I've just been through hell. another rule break is happening now. watch her name. she's kissing up his arm like she's mowing on corn. Even a rule break. technically, no. but it makes me feel insane. So I'm draining the prize fund. someone unplug me. guess I'm kind of wild like that. |
CrackerMilk | directions | Mark, do you have a case of the Mondays?
Yeah. Oh, you always do at the office. Oh, the telephone.
Thank you so much.
Hello, is that Jarrod?
Yep. Would you like me to give you some directions? Uh huh. Sure, let me give you them. Totally. So you just take a left there and head straight up. Yep. Put your shoes on your hands for me. Yeah.
Do you see my office?
Yep. Uh huh. Yeah.
I got this. It's pretty something.
Jarrod, you've gone the wrong way.
Yeah, okay. Yeah, sure.
Alright Jarrod, once you get to the stop sign, just take a hard left.
You there?
Yep. Great.
You better fucking listen up, son.
Jarrod, you should see a large green tree. I want you to climb the tree, Jarrod.
Yep. Alright. Yep.
I want you to walk past the bin, Jarrod, with ten paces.
Did you do it?
Uh huh. Yep. Good.
Now listen to me, Jarrod.
It's very carefully.
Where are you, Jarrod? Do you see my office? Here. God fucking damn it, Jarrod! There's my office, Jarrod!
You need to see it. Do you see it?
Uh huh. Yeah. Yep.
Jarrod, mate.
Do you see my office here?
Yes. Yep. Definitely.
Oh, sick. |
cracked | 90s_femme_fatales_killed_everybody_with_their_legs_wait_a_minute_what | Wait a minute, what? Nastal Dalzal, under the microscope.
Women killing men with their thighs is a murderously popular trope you've seen over and over again. Maybe without even realizing it, chances are if you look through the 90s in particular, you've seen a man squashed by a woman's thigh so many times you just kind of took it for granted. Female assassin seeking revenge? There's going to be a thigh squash. Hot lady fight scene? Watch out, Nick. Here comes the thigh babies. The cliche of women choking men with their thighs isn't just bizarre, it's bizarrely overused. So, where did it come from? Is it because men think our thighs are truly the strongest parts of our body, or is it because stories are all written by men so they're like, whoa, what a way to go. Or is it like some kind of subconscious, vagina dentada thing going on?
I love that movie. Women with literally killer legs can be found all over pop culture. Let's take a look. Xenia Onatop from 1996's Golden Eye isn't the only Bond girl to use her legs for more than walking. All the way back in Sean Connery era, you can find a pair of crushing calves on Bambi in this fight scene from Diamonds Are Forever. Timothy Dalton almost got in on the femoral fun too in 1987's The Living Daylights. You may also remember Ilse Fost using her DFL's deadly freaking legs, like all the time in the Mission Impossible franchise. Man, that lady spent some serious time on her squats. Kudos. It's also in tons of other movies like Tank Girl, The War of the Roses, Romeo's Bleeding and so, so many more parodies. Due to its popularity in film, it's no wonder it's been parodied over a thousand times on television. The Simpsons made sure to include it in their James Bond inspired episode You Only Move Twice in which Scorpio's henchwoman performs her death thighs maneuver on the attacking government church.
Hey, what's going on? I'm having a little trouble with the government.
Oh, that was a jerk. It's also comically alluded to in the episode of Scrubs where Elliot shows JD how strong her thighs are by breaking a lunch tray and those things are hard to break, they were like plastic. It even happens in The Office when Aaron accidentally suffocates Dwight mid chicken fight. What a way to go.
One of the most classic examples of a woman who kills men with her thighs comes from the classic video game Mortal Kombat. It's one of Sonya Blade's signature movies. You might also remember it from 1995's classic Mortal Kombat movie. And last, my personal favorite example of a woman strangling a man with her legs has got to be Miss Congeniality which wins the award for most original take on the maneuver.
My award. I awarded it.
As several eager men watch in the background, Gracie brings Eric to the ground with the move only to be attacked back with Eric's legs. And then they play out the rest of the whole damn scene locked in each other's legs. I mean, you want to create some on screen chemistry, have the character share the firm embrace of each other's legs around their wind vibes.
Damn right. What a way to go. Alright guys, thanks so much for watching.
If you've got more examples of times in pop culture that women attack men with their thighs, comment them below. I can't stop watching these clips because they like feel feminist but they're definitely like not really because they were probably written by men and also it's like sexualized part of the thighs but I like it. So I don't know. Maybe I have unresolved anger issues. Bye guys. Wow, she's got thighs that could kill a man.
That's a saying, right? Right? That's a saying?
That's like a 1950s like, she's got thighs that will kill a man. Look at the thighs on that bra. Wow. Her upper legs are attractive. |
cracked | if_boxing_were_even_less_legitimate | Willy, Willy, Willy, what are you doing out there? You're letting him walk all over you. Where's your brain? Where's your, can someone get a cue? Thank you, good. All right, Willy, I need you to listen to me. I know he's big, bigger than you. Yeah, you could eat soup off your head.
I know, but he's slow. He's slower than you and he's getting tired out there. You can see it. Why are you slow out there?
I got a little spiderling that you have. You can't sit around with an anchor on your ankle. Whatever that fast kid, Willy. Willy, stand this one this time. You don't wanna waste some time with me. Where do you go? All right, Willy, what are you getting in there?
I want you to forget everything we talked about before and I want you to listen to me. Listen to me, this is important. No, no, no, do that.
Get them. Where the key is. Good, good, okay. This is a knockout in the make. Is it working on the right, champ? Put it on the right.
I've been doing it all night. I want you to stop him. Don't back down from this, Willy. I want you in there close, doing three hits.
Pop, pop, pow. This is a little liquid bridge, willy champ. Pop, pop, pow, all right?
You do it. You got this, Willy. Oh!
Thank you for watching our video. Don't forget to subscribe and check out our other videos.
Yeah, champ. It was so gross. Go, go. That was so gross. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Angus_Sampson | Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show, you are joined by myself Clancy Overall editor of the Batutah Advocate and Errol Parker editor at large, the two old bulls here today, there is no Wendell or Effie but we have actually asked them to sit this one out because we're talking to a kindred spirit today, a man who much like us is a trophy on the shelf of Australian literary arts and culture, sex icon export, I'm now you know very proud to say and all-round good guy thanks for joining us, Angus Sampson. Thank you so much, that's a lovely introduction, I've never been just called a trophy before, I guess that's a compliment. What was that show you were in where you played the trophy, it was the one where you had a drinking problem and then you had to smoke weed instead. Are you talking about work? No, no, I think it was Paper Giants? Yes, yeah Magazine Wars, Paper Giants 2, that was I really enjoyed that, I'm not a smoker despite my aesthetic, yeah and it's amazing Clancy how often when I visit Australia people think I'm you in regional towns especially, the last time I was in Australia last year I went up to Port Macquarie for a rugby league lunch Sounds heavenly. Sat with Noel Crusher-Cleel, the great crusher and there was like a female part of you know football team there that was raising funds as well and they asked me to like draw the winner, the raffle winner or something with Maddie Johns and the girls had no idea who I was and they're like wait are you your patoota? I'm like what? You're a patoota, you are? No, you are, you bloody are. And I had no idea what they were talking about.
I'm Aaron Woods or Sharon Woods, Sharon Woods. Remember when he used to have that headband, that plastic headband? Sharon Woods is one of the great nicknames that just won't die either. You play like a girl in one season, Sharon.
No, but those copies really are the type of copy that you get paid with the cash that's still warm out of the poker machine. Yes, that's exactly that. I don't want to go into too much detail but I did see envelopes being handed to the MC. And then the MC says goodnight and walks straight back in and feeds it straight back down the gullet of Pelican Pete. The club knows, the club knows it's coming back. Queen of the Nile. That money leaves the machines for 45 minutes.
I'm always happy to be back in Australia. I'm speaking to you from California in the United States of America where I've lived for the last maybe 10th year here, 10th or 11th. Yeah, so you work very well, well and truly in export at this point.
Do you have like a brat pack of, you know, who do you cut around with? You got a little bit of a little bit of Le Paglia action, like what are we talking? Bruce Spence, Bill Hunter, John Melian and me. As a rule, I don't seem to see a lot of antipodeans here aside from my two best mates from back home, Taika Waititi and Leigh Whannell, a New Zealander and an Australian who live, you know, near me or I live near them.
And anything that really sort of reminds me that I shouldn't be here, I guess on some level, which is what I sort of have to deal with on, you know, when I look in the mirror, I'm like, well, I really still look homeless. And I guess I don't sort of want to, I don't want to feel like I shouldn't be an option for filmmakers and storytellers here. And so yeah, I don't, you know, I'm always happy to have people come and stay.
Got a nice big home here that's, that, you know, I've been a benefit of other people's hospitalities or beneficiaries, so I want to offer that to other people. But yeah, look, it's where I live is, I'm up in the next avocado grove and some of the trees are still here and there's lots of Australian Moreton Bay figs that were a gift of the Australian government along the tree lines. And in my street is where the Griswolds live from the first vacation, even though it was meant to be Chicago. I take great joy in not thinking they're familiar too much.
Now, you're quite an all-rounder at the start of your career. You were on radio, you did your Tony Martin, you know, tandem thing. You were on Greeks of the Roof in Greekface. In my, look, you would ask me if I wasn't sitting in front of your Wikipedia page right now and ask me where did Angus Sampson come out of. I'd tell you what I'd heard through the grapevine in the pubs in Sydney, which was you were an improv guy.
Is that the aunt? Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, my sister befriended a gentleman by the name of Ewan Campbell. And Ewan was the warm-up guy for the midday show for Ray Martin back in the day. Also very funny, very clever, very generous. And he said to him, oh, I think my brother could do something like you or what have you. And so he recommended that we go and watch some stuff at Belvoir Theatre in Surrey Hills. And then, which my dad and my sister and I went.
And yeah, I basically was just an average, you know, layabout. I didn't really have any anything going for me or any interests other than charcoal, chicken and chips.
And my sister and father encouraged me to sign up for like some improv classes. And I think by the end of that year I'd won something at the Comedy Store, whatever it was, the best something, whatever. And then got invited to perform at Belvoir Street. And I started to learn off people like Lynn Pierce, who was the improv teacher at NIDA.
And yeah, I guess I didn't realize you could act as a job. I went to school in Armidale in northern New South Wales. And I didn't know there was a thing called Australian Theatre for Young People. Basically, working as an opal miner in Lightning Ridge seemed kind of all realistic to you at that age.
The Deschen family, Deschen goat depot.
Yeah, I never knew what I wanted to do. Like I sort of hoped to be a foreign diplomat when I was a kid. And then I didn't, I realized you had to study. Then I thought I could be a marine biologist.
Everyone has that. You need to study for about eight years and then you spend the rest of your life having to drive around in a completely fucked Subaru, up and down the coast, you know, having to touch urchins and starfish. Got about 37 urchin tips in my feet.
Yeah, look, the reality is you just don't know, and I still don't know. But you were playing footy, were you? Was that what life was all about? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I tried to. Chicken and chips and football. Yeah, at that time I guess, yeah, you just, you don't know what you're doing. And I was like, yeah, right.
I guess I'm meant to go to uni. I meant to do this, you know, but I didn't have the attention span. I didn't have the intellect or care to do that. I mean, I enjoyed going to Sydney uni parties. Not to bore you. I thought, oh yeah, well, I'll just play rugby. And I didn't realize that in addition to having some natural talent, you actually meant to work hard on it as well. I realized there and then I just, I just enjoyed the theatrics of it. I just enjoyed the speeches, the boat races afterwards, the camaraderie. So was there like a time and place where you decided to take acting seriously, where it started to become essentially what you decided to do with your life? Yeah, you thought I'm not going to be a kefu, I'm going to be a King Graham Kennedy.
I was working at the Burwood Hotel in Sydney in the graveyard shift. In the real inner west. I grew up in Croydon for a chunk of time next door. I played at West Rugby, West Harbour now, but Western Suburbs back then they sort of, I was there when they switched over and helped design the emblem.
I wasn't a big fan of the earring on the pirate.
There's quite an alumni of West Harbour. There's a, you and actually David Lepeppy of gang of youth's fame was a West Harbour football. Nice. One of the boys who plays the young rock on that TV show, he's a West Harbour lad and the girl from, what's that next Game of Thrones or whatever, House of Dragons, the Australian girl, Millie Orcock, her brother, I think he's playing hooker there at the moment. But my dad's still involved down at Westies.
I've heard about old Doc Sampson. I remember watching a game once and they did a shout out to him on the ABC. They said, oh, it's the first game he's missed in 22 years. I was like, wow. And so, yeah, I went down there once last year for the first time. I wanted to see the Concord Oval when I was out there filming a couple of shows because we had the rider's trike here last year.
So I managed to get out to a club footy. Oh mate. It's a great, I used to, I bought a ball boy for West. I actually used to be a ball boy to Blenderslow cup tests I've done. I got into trouble for holding the trophy up in the ball boys room. Yeah.
I basically had a lot of time around rugby. And so I guess I just thought that's, you know, basically I, when you, you know, when you play rugby, all you want is kit. You just want the tracksuits and your jerseys and the shorts. And so, yeah, that was sort of what I wanted to do.
And then in answer to your question, 32 minutes ago, I got asked to be, to teach them in pro over in Randwick. One of the students in there was a producer on a television program called, that was about to start called Recovery, the ABC 1996. This was Dylan Lewis, the great Dylan Lewis.
Yeah. And yeah, they said, would you, do you want to do a story? You know, I was like, what do you mean? They're like, well, it's sort of like, Hey, Hey, it's Saturday, but for like alternate use. And I was like, okay. And so I did a story.
They had a 15 year old girl hanging out with her friends, and then they got me in my Moleskine's and RM's and Ralph Lauren Polish to go and hang out with what 15 or 16 year old boys in Sydney do. And that was hanging out at Maccas on Para road. And so I was hanging out with these Australian Lebanese legends.
I can't remember if it ever went to air and we shot that and I rang her up maybe two or three weeks later. And I said, am I working for you guys or not? And she was like, I'll call you back. And she rang me, rang me back about 12 minutes later.
And she said, would you be interested in playing a character called the enforcer? And I was like, what's that? She's like, well, you know how, like when police put criminals in the car, they push their head in and so they don't bump their head. I'm like, yeah. She goes, that's, that's the enforcer. I go, when do I start? That was the description. I was like, I didn't know what the show was.
And, and I ended up working at the ABC for five years after that. And, and ended up like hosting recovery and hosting 10 thirties. So I ended up doing some triple J just feel very grateful, but, you know, people, especially in Australia, if you have the interest, maybe it's true anywhere, but if you have the interest in maybe a false bravado, I guess that people usually facilitate, you know, let you facilitate having a go at stuff. Like I've managed to, I've managed to, I've directed like 37 commercials. I've done a bunch of voice servers, not because that's what I want to do like forever. It's just cause I have an interest, you know, albeit flaking, uh, in these things.
And so, um, well, that's the, that's the West Harbor in you. Yeah. Well, I didn't think I was, I didn't think, you know, I didn't think I was an actor. I was just like, Oh yeah, there we go. But someone gave you a ball and said, run through a brick wall and you did it.
Well, I tried to anyway, and I'm still trying to, I'm still hoping that I can improve on, I've got Mad Max coming out in a couple of weeks. I hope that that's better than the last Mad Max I did, you know, years and years ago, I worked on a show called a secret life of us for like the forgotten season, like season 29 or something like that. The very secret life.
And, uh, Ben, Ben Mendelsohn was a guest on it as well. And, and I remember he, he, uh, he had a South, South footy jumper on it. We were in Melbourne in, in, um, Williamstown and he gave me some advice. I asked him for some advice and he gave me some advice and he said to me, uh, that working as an actor jobs, I like, uh, you know, when you go surfing, they're like waves. Sometimes you get a good set and he goes, now you're obviously surfing a few good waves at the moment he goes, but there'll be times where there aren't any waves or any jobs. And I, I realized, you know, sort of chatting to him and other people that I looked up to that it's, you got to stop trying to get it right in my industry.
You know, there's this propensity that I want to be Johnny jet Johnny that wants to be Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt wants to be Paul Newman. Like this is never, never ending. Brad Pitt really wants to have his own line of salad dressings. Do you ever get envious of those guys who, who just have one thing in mind and they have an Opus, uh, one that comes to mind of, of late in Australia, Scott Ryan with Mr. In between us, you know, you might've heard of him before, but you probably won't hear from him again, unless he decides he wants to do something else, but that was what he wanted to do.
And, uh, and, and you see this with, uh, occasionally with filmmakers and actors where there's like, Oh, there's just one thing, you know, I think one thing could be said for, um, you know, Frida Kahlo was a Selma. That was her, that was it. Right. The, everything she does after this, uh, is all good, but this is what it was about for her. Well, I mean, let's not throw out, uh, dust till dawn.
I mean, she was, uh, very, I haven't thought of a Python in the same way since, but it's an incredible scene. I mean, Scott, for example, I met him many, many years ago. I don't know Scott personally, but I met him many years ago, Melbourne underground film festival when he was screening the magician, which was the precursor to this in between, I believe. And the producer of that series is a wonderful Michelle Bennett who also did chopper and many other, uh, amazing films and TV shows. She told me that Scott has been offered a bunch of roles in Hollywood and he's turned them all down.
You know, I kind of go, I wish I, I'm still unsure enough that I'm here. You know, I think there's something cooler about Scott going, Oh no, I want to drive it. I want to drive cabs in Chuka.
I've done that, you know, you know, like after I made a film with some friends at the end of it, I was like, I was so spent, you know, they tell you, you've got to make the film three times, write it, film it, and then sell it. And I was so out of my depth and I thought I could sort of charm everyone by the end of it. I was just like, Oh, I really need a break from film filmmaking and film altogether.
And which film was this? Was this the mule? Were you in on that? The mule's a great film.
Thank you. I mean, lots of great people. It has a little bit of that Australian, like if you're in the know, or you've just moved to Australia gets recommended to people that that's, that's where it's at. I got cast in Fargo off the back of it. So I'm very grateful. I'm very grateful for the crew and the cast of the mule and Screen Australia and Film Vic.
There's a golden era now, I think in Australian with streaming, there's a golden era in Australian series, right? Uh, we saw, you know, the most successful kind of production, uh, in Australian history, at least, uh, well, at least numbers wise in this world with the boy swallows universe came out the other day and it, you know, did big numbers as number two in America on Netflix. And that's huge, but there is like, you know, there's, there's an abundance now coming out and, and you've kind of written that wave in, you know, to follow Mendo's kind of a metaphor here. You've written, you've written this set and, um, you've made the transition, although it's something you've been able to do for like 10, 20 years now, uh, into kind of patriarchal figure. Uh, we're seeing it now with, you know, with the next season of Heartbreak High, where you're playing, you know, the, um, sir, yes, PE teacher. You've seen in yourself different sets come in when you go, all right, well right now I'm playing like the larrikin, uh, young lad right now I'm playing the twisted flesh loving, uh, you know, mad max desert punk dude. And then, you know, in Australia on a television level, you're now playing, you know, bumping and Netflix. Are you seeing those things come through? And is it like a domino thing when you've all right. I think Samson can play the dad here. We've realized PE teachers next.
I didn't work in Australia from like 2013 to 2020. And if I did, forgive me if I did, but it certainly felt like I hadn't. That's a long time. And so I was very grateful to get any call to go to Australia and, and, uh, and, and work opposite with, with an opposite and beside Claudia. That was the first time I'd been put in as a grownup, like as a father of somebody.
And that was 2020, the first season above we're about to shoot the fifth season of it. And at the end of June, we start.
And so then I guess it begets other things. I mean, I, I've always tried to just pop up in random things, you know, usually have a connection to it. For example, you, I would have been asked and we'd been on about 80 podcasts. This is my first, first one ever. Thank you, by the way.
And you beat Taika. Taika has been kicking the candy on the road since the start of the pandemic when he was lost in Australia.
And we were the ones who were showing him around the, you know, the, the back alleys, I guess. And, uh, every time we catch up and get on the lash, she'd be like, yeah, mate, I'm coming on. I'm coming on. So we will get him one day. He's filming, he's filming in Auckland at the moment.
I don't have an issue on the size of my roles. Uh, you know, I was talking to a friend the other night, she's in a band. She'd been asked to go on tours and bills, and it's important to her where they are on the bill, on the listing. She's like, Oh, it would have been great to go on that tour, but we would have been number three and we don't do anything under two.
And I'm like, wow. Okay. I was told, remember that guy, Charles Budd Tingwell, him and, uh, Danny Trejo, who, uh, you may know from Machete and Heat, amongst others.
It never says no to a job. So if you're an Australian filmmaker now, send him, send him the script. He'll say yes. Uh, they never say no to a job.
Whereas I'm the opposite. I'm, I'm always like, why would I do that? Why would I, why would I do that? Why would I do that?
And what, and once that started happening, I started to get work ironically. I don't know. You just want to be compelling. And so I haven't worked it out yet. A little bit of hard to get there. I think so. And, and, and, and with, and with Heartbreak High, the wonderful Heartbreak High, which the way I came about to be joining Heartbreak High season two was that they shared a production office. They had asked me to do the show. I wasn't available. Then they shared a production office with Bump and they very kindly said, Oh yeah, you can have Angus. And they're like, what? And so I, I actually didn't end up being in the first three episodes of season four of Bump. So I could do this anti-woke PE teacher for, for Heartbreak High.
And I knew Grace Yotta, the director. I knew Neil Shama from Thor. I knew Adam and Jesse, Jesse Oldfield. I knew them socially.
So I guess it's one of those things, I guess in answer to that, does it lead to the other things? Yeah, it always does.
No one's talking to you at recess. Martin Scorsese casts you in something and at lunchtime, everyone's your mate. And it's, it's, it's such a, it's such a school yard.
You know, I enjoy, you know, popping up in random stuff, random roles in random countries, with random people. You're kind of emphasizing the blue collar element of, of the acting career. And we've had a few actors say that, you know what I mean? That's, you know, interestingly enough, that's why these strikes are important because everyone on set's got a different union and everyone's effectively waiting on jobs and doing jobs and wherever they go, everyone kind of has to operate in a way you're saying where you got to know people, or you don't have to know people, but it helps if you know people and, and, and you're working and, and then you get the big jobs. Well, I think it's probably true for you as well. You know, like it's your own context. I used to think that there was like a table of people like in a chorus line, you know, like testing out ensemble dancers in the dark and they determined who was in which films. And they were like, yeah, yeah, you can be in Aliens. Oh, and we're also going to put you in Queen and Slim, you know, and, oh, and it turns out that your mums, Andy McDowall, you know, it's a real, it's, it's a real misconception from me that, that there is like, you know, some tastemakers that decide that, but you get to Los Angeles and you, and it's just, who wants it the most for a lot of people, you know, who's, who, and, and I don't want it.
Yeah. I genuinely don't want it. I just go, I'm an option. That's, that's all. I'm an option. But has there been something, has there been something that ever, that's popped up or you've heard about something going into production or you've heard about something being optioned and you've gone, Ooh, for sure. But the reality is, right.
I, I, I wanted to be in Game of Thrones when that was on air. I was like, why am I in Game of Thrones? I actually look like I'm in that show already. And, uh, and, uh, and then I was like, you have this idea that agent agents and managers, you know, are out there, like, you know, sort of walking the beat, knocking on production officer, flipping your resume under the things that they don't, you know, I mean, I reckon I've had four weeks off in like since 2020, which is, which is weird for me because I'm, I'm not a, I've got no work ethic, but, uh, in, in answer to that, yes.
You look, the more famous you become, the more success you have here, the more people just contact you out of the blue. You start going to these dinners. Like you realize people don't, they don't actually socialize in public anymore. Start going from house to house in the Hills lunch to dinners, to dinners, to drinks in the Hills.
And then it's producer of white Lotus and Gerard Butler's house. And he says, Oh, everyone says, I meant to, I can't believe I haven't met you Angus in your head. You're like, well, cast me in it, you know, put me in white Lotus, but that's probably going to lead me to getting that job rather than me auditioning via a casting agent in Santa Monica.
So casting an audition thing is kind of like, it's the footballs that haven't come up through the grades. You know, it's, it's the, it's the kids that get seen in a YouTube video. And then they become, um, you know, a touch football competition in the North Island of New Zealand to get seen in the video. And then he ends up in the Broncos. That's, uh, that's what casting is. Whereas you've come up through the grades.
You're a, you're a nut trucker from way back. I just want to be around people whose taste and intellect I admire and they don't make me feel bad for wanting to be around them. This town that I'm in and live in, they do make you feel bad for wanting to be around. You know, there's a real us and them vibe and it can be quite demoralizing.
You know, you've got to be careful with what you cover, you know? And so, and you cover what you see.
So it's important because what does he say? Dr. Lector says that, doesn't he? Why do you guys do what you do?
It's you just, I just want to keep playing. And, um, you know, the older you get the, the, the weirder it becomes. Well, that's, I mean, I, I want to ask about this with Netflix, right? You traditionally played, you know, you've, you've got range as we said, you can play a fucking drug mule. You can play a, you know, a cuddly dad on bump. Now you're playing a man that I actually don't think you would go fishing with. You're playing the anti-work PE teacher. Yeah.
He's not, he's not a nasty person, but he's also not a, I just think he's a bit of a relic. That's all I won't say he's nasty. He's just, he's just a relic.
Yeah. He's just offered off a different time. And as Angus going into work with this fabulous cast on heartbreak for their second season, I've never felt, I'd never felt more old in my, in my career.
Not that they're like 12 and 13 year olds, but they was using jargon and idioms and what have you that I had. I'm like, what are you, what are you saying?
Angus is really giving Aaron Woods. Angus is giving.
You are. And so, uh, I don't know if I'm speaking out of school, but they said that, um, after the first season, some people were saying, well, it's all very woke. Heartbreak High is incredibly woke.
So Vos, the PE teacher is, I guess, is, he's a champion of man, men, men's rights in season two. Um, he's very much, uh, uh, about, um, not having people turn into man haters, um, just for being, just for being, for, for the males to be masculine and push tires and, uh, dig and eat pork. Um, I had so much fun doing it that, you know, there's a little element of, uh, you know, a bit of Eureka stockade.
Not that he, I don't know.
Look, the wokest thing about Heartbreak High was the fact that they had all these kids that were living in these fucking houses that were a stone's throw away from a beach in Sydney that were going to a fucking public school. I mean, in real life, those kids would be wearing a tighter school or in bloody knee high socks and a fucking city hat.
But I did like that they explored the gay esche because I have seen a few of those fellows around. Look, it's interesting you say that because, you know, we filmed at South Sydney High in, and, uh, which I guess is sort of like La Perouse, I suppose, or Maroubra, sit down that way. And, uh, it was interesting, you know, we were shooting while school was going and apparently that school like had like got 800 more enrollments after the first scene in reality. But it's interesting, you know, you make these incredibly beautiful and clever cast. They're so well designed and they're so attractive and they're all, you know, they're sort of the complete package and you're like, wow, they really, I guess this is what public school is like. And then you find out they went to Kings in Geelong Groma and you're like, oh, cool.
Um, I guess this is not, uh, a Hartley High sort of for real. I guess when I didn't think it needed to be a documentary, tonally, we just had so much fun making this season. I certainly did probably won an international Emmy and it was like top 10, I think in 43 countries, the first season of it for Netflix. So it's, you know, it's, um, I remember when it was out in the nineties, I never, ever watched it. Uh, but I remember it was really big in France for some reason. Yeah.
There's a couple of other new cast members. I'll tell you what was a, was a wig out for us was, uh, we went to the Arias last year for the first time. And obviously when you get invited as a, you're not in the running for anything, you're just there for the, uh, you know, for the, for the party. And, um, same thing happened with the Logies last year. They invited us to the Logies, but our show wasn't nominated because it was too laid out. So this year's Logies will be our real one.
But last year's Arias, all of the, the heartbreak high kids were there in the same kind of kit they were wearing in the show and were, and had peeled off in like the friendship groups from the show. It was freaking me out. Like they are, they are heartbreak high.
I had a, I had, um, one night out with them in Surrey Hills and, uh, yeah, I can relate. I was like, wait, am I inside my TV show at the moment? They're very tight crew. They all live together when we film. Yeah, they're really congenial atmosphere. And I've got to tell you, like, it, it makes me doubly happy to, you know, I'm getting, I get a bit sentimental. They're also utterly compelling and they seem to be wise beyond their years, very confident in their abilities. Uh, you know, I, it was a real joy for me to be part of Heartbreak. And, um, one bit of information I got from your podcast was that, uh, Kelly was filmed in great. And, uh, we do have a little bit of that and a little bit of Ned Kelly action happening. Yeah.
My favorite modern day, Ned Kelly reference was from the Samoan Western Sydney rap group. One for where they had these lyrics, my side's way too heavy. Your goons ain't ready. Jump out the whip and ching them with my belly on searching like Ned Kelly. So that's like a balaclava modern day balaclava is, um, is Ned Kelly still getting referenced by the modern day outlaws Western Sydney drill rap. I haven't listened to their music.
I always see them in the tabloid paper. There's always like, um, you know, they seem to be coupled with the pen with Panthers or something.
Yeah. They all, they all have the same dance moves, but one of them's one of the boys has found God and is now Mormon pastor, which is a terrific, um, soap opera result turn of events. We've kept you, uh, thank you for the way your first ever podcast, please feel free to Jesus, some rambling answer. There's, you know, cause we know that there's some anger stands out there. They're gonna listen to every single minute of this and people who like movies and are interested in how they're made. Well, we actually, we know all the ins and outs of that now. And it's, you know, obviously, uh, a big inspiration for us over the years. I feel like we should go over to LA in July. A bit of a look. Yeah.
Why would you wait till July? Because that's when I'm in Sydney. I'm coming to Sydney in July.
I thought, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, June to August. I thought you were coming back in August. How about we head over there after the Olympics? When's the Olympics? August. It's any time we come over, it's a good time of year.
I don't ever want to be here full time. And I also don't want to be in Australia full time.
So, you know, it's a good little set up. You got that. Yeah.
Well, let me tell you my aria story. I went to the arias a few years in a row when we were doing recovery and one on one episode of recovery, we had Natalie Imbruglia and just before I was standing out in the back, I was on set and just before she went to go on, she said something to me and I know she had something in her tooth and she couldn't get rid of it. Like I was like, Oh no, it's the next one over the next one. And then I please welcome next. And I ended up having to like fish it out of the teeth with my finger. And a few nights later, I'm at the arias in Sydney, having a yarn with her and a couple of fellows come up behind me and sort of grab me and turn around and I introduce Natalie to Daniel Johns.
Really? Thanks to Angus Greg Evans. We've got a bit of oil in this interview. I'm glad you waited a while to do your first interview and then podcast and did it with us. We're going to link up, be that in July or some other month if we're over there or you're over here. We can drink some dark beer in the depths of winter here. Yes.
It's mid strength in Queensland, isn't it? I have a rule, right? If it's over 14 degrees, the top, then you drink mid. If it's lower than 14, you drink two is old. Are you talking Celsius?
Yeah.
That's the temperature outside. I'll just leave you. This is my favorite Queensland story. And it's not even a story. I went to visit a friend who was living up at Yorkies knob. Oh yeah.
Hadn't seen him for a while. He's a pilot there and hadn't seen him for a while and went out to stay with him for the weekend.
And he said, Oh, sure. Should we have a few beers? I was like, sure. And he cracked it. I was like, what are these mid strengths? He's like, yeah, I only drink mid strengths now. I said, why? He said, it's too hot up here. I go, what is, what is mid strength? He goes, he goes, I just, you can just have drink more and not get us affected. I said, Oh, what, what, when did you stop?
He said, Oh, I went to the races once. I went to the cans cup and he said, I woke up the next day. He said, I didn't feel too bad. And he said, until I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and there was a footprint on my throat, like on his shirt. I was like, Oh, that's a good enough reason to get off the porch.
And then that's the, uh, that's the gift and the curse of, uh, four X gold, because then you do drink them, the mid strengths, they drink them like they can't ever get to that point. And the problem is when you do get to that point, uh, with mid strength, you tend to piss yourself because you've just taken in so much fluid.
Yeah.
Like usually after a big day at the races, usually on dark, all that you're doing is taking beer, warming it from two degrees up to 38 and then pissing it into a trough. I mean, do you ever drink, um, RTS? We call them, uh, room temperatures when you just don't have a fridge.
They're called Kimberley cool. Kimberley cool.
Wow. You can, you can drink RTS. Um, if it's, uh, those gluten free ones, what are they? That's the sorghum.
Yeah. I have had the room temperature ones in, in England and I don't mind them, but I just feel like you can, uh, there's something, something, there's something special about the, I mean, the boy swallows universe premiere was crazy because it was like peak Brisbane sweltering humidity and all of these Sydney industry people were just about to pop with perspiration and they also were just drinking, you know, when you're drinking to keep cool and that, and a lot of people miss the memo on the mid strength in Queensland when they're drinking to keep cool. Yeah.
I need to, uh, I need to, I need to watch that. I need to watch that shirt.
Felix Cameron, um, the great Felix Cameron. Anything else you'd recommend?
Yeah. I'd watch, uh, older movie love serenade Miranda Otto. Yeah. I know it well. In fact, good film. You'll be pleased to know.
I don't know if you, if you remember the, uh, the disc jockey character from love serenade, uh, that Miranda, uh, and her sister, they have the, they fall in, fall in love with him. He, uh, George, he, he, um, shifts tops, shifts. So he is in, oh really? Yeah. He plays the history man.
He would stand on the back of my motorbike as I would ride around the Monday, Monday planes, broken Hill. I was, I mean, why wouldn't you want to be an actor? Why wouldn't you want to know a broken Hill? We, we went out there and did some, um, we did some youth work in broken Hill last year, the year before.
And we were staying in the Mario's palace and we, you just forget those old country pubs that they, uh, like the pipes of just the same from 200 years ago. And so we were just coming home full of piss and the drinking out of the tap in your room. Just my tummy doesn't feel so good. Yeah.
I don't know how accurate I am because I, it was a little while ago that I learned this, but I was told when we were filming in broken Hill, uh, that there are six sets of traffic lights above ground in broken Hill, but below ground in, in the pit, I guess, or whatever it's called the mine, sorry. The mine is 119 sets of traffic lights underground.
It's such a, it's a wild old town. We would, we would there when the queen died. That's so that was a couple of years ago and Mario's palace in the middle of town had the pride flag at half mast to the queen.
I was like, oh, that's very funny. You know, uh, and on that note, where the Priscilla pub that, um, they, uh, another actor in the next Mad Max is, uh, a gentleman by the name of Ian Roberts Cowboys captain. Um, and they put Robbo in the Priscilla suite. That wasn't the, uh, that wasn't the production decision. That was, uh, the, uh, gosh, he's a good fella. He's could still play.
I reckon. Well, mate, when you come back here, we'll try and get you on the last video store. I'd love that. Yeah. I, I, uh, I saw that he, uh, interviewed Angela. Yeah.
He interviewed Angela White about her favorite films, but the great one is Polly Bennett. They're both great interviews, but the, the, the one that gave real industry insight was Polly Bennett. Who's obviously the movement coach on Elvis and the crown and saltburn and saltburn.
Yeah. Hearing her yarn about that really kind of opened our eyes. I watched that. I watched that interview. That was amazing.
She said that, that that was not going to be originally that dance of Barry's was not going to be the end. Like it wasn't going to be at the end.
It was like something in the film coming, you know, news Corp like fingers in everything. I know we've got this Queensland election coming up, so we're going to go full news Corp on that. Uh, yeah, we're going to try and sway the result and do what's best for us. Really? Oh, and we've just had the election down in Tassie when we were filming recovery, we'd have a break for Christmas from the ABC and I'd go down to Tassie and I'd go and help, uh, rouse about for the searing, some cheering teams, Tasmanian sharing that would have been in Tasmania. Yeah.
And my highlight was meeting Ronnie Laycock's brother. I don't know if you remember Ronnie Laycock, a weightlifter who won the gold medal in the 1990 Commonwealth games in Auckland. He later got done for steroids and he said that someone's spiked his teeth because he owed the money to remember Ronnie.
I had to kick him out once from the Burwood hotel when I was 18 and he held onto the bar with one hand and I had both my arms around his waist trying to pull him like 107 kegs. He just stood there holding, pinching the bar. I couldn't move him. And he kept his bourbon, his Woodstock and Coke in the glass at his mouth. Like he kept drinking it like I was trying to, nothing moved.
Which reminded me of the other time I tried to be a bouncer. There was a guy that was managed the Burwood hotel, Kerry Gibson, and he had one arm and he played first grade for Western suburbs rugby league. And he ran the security at Balmain leagues. And they got me as an 18 year old, I got, I was like, yeah, I'll do it. I could be a bouncer.
So they teamed me up with this guy on the run from Zoz. Zoz was best friends with Ronnie Laycock. Anyway, I do remember him getting kicked out of the Orient one night and he took his shirt off and went around the corner and punched the guy through the glass.
I was like, what? Anyway, this is, this is who I got partnered up with. And because I was the youngest, they had, they asked me to remove Jeff Vennick from Balmain leagues as an 18 year old. I was like, come on, I'm not doing that. They're like, you got to go, Matt. And, uh, anyway, that's my claim to fame. I politely requested, you would have been leaning on your words for that one. Yeah. Anyway, that was my one night as a bouncer.
Never again.
The sneaky through the window. He got arrested. It was right opposite the cop shop in the rocks. Took his flannel off, wrapped it around his arm and punched the bouncer through the window at the Orient.
I was like, I've got to get out of this. I got to stop working at these places. Like I was 18.
He was, uh, he was an international rugby player and a demolisher by trade him and Ronnie Laycock going down a rabbit hole on Ronnie later. They're amazing. That story, by the way, that story you just told me was very, uh, forest gump. So we start in cheering in rural Tasmania and then we're in the board hotel with Ronnie, who's now holding the bar. And then you were scored your Finnegan at Balmain Lake.
So, well, thank you, Angus. You're a great football. Come up through the grades. And we look forward to seeing a lot more from you, mate. Thank you for joining the two to have a podcast. Thank you, gentlemen. Lots of love to you.
I'd love that. Yeah. I, uh, I saw that he, uh, interviewed Angela. Yeah.
He interviewed Angela White about her favorite films, but the great one is Polly Bennett. They're both great interviews, but the, the, the one that gave real industry insight was Polly Bennett. Who's obviously the movement coach on Elvis and the crown and salt burn and salt burn.
Yeah. Hearing her yarn about that really kind of opened our eyes. Yeah. I watched that. I watched that interview. That was amazing.
She said that, that that was not going to be originally that dance of Barry's was not going to be the end. Like it wasn't going to be at the end. It was like something in the film.
Yeah. The tutors coming, you know, news Corp, like fingers in everything. I know we've got this Queensland election coming up. So we're going to go full news Corp on that. Yeah. We're going to try and sway the result and do what's best for us really. Finally. Oh, and we've just had the election down in Tassie. When we were filming recovery, we'd have a break for Christmas from the ABC. And I'd go down to Tassie and I'd go and help, uh, rouse about for the searing, some cheering teams in Tasmania. Yeah.
And my highlight was meeting Ronnie Laycock's brother. I don't know if you remember Ronnie Laycock, a weightlifter who won the gold medal in the 1990 Commonwealth games in Auckland. He later got done for steroids and he said that someone's spiked his tea because he owed them money. I do remember Ronnie.
Mate, I had to kick him out once from the Burwood hotel when I was 18 and he held onto the bar with one hand and I had both my arms around his waist, trying to pull him like 107 kegs. He just stood there holding, pinching the bar. I couldn't move him. And he kept his bourbon, his Woodstock and Coke, uh, in the glass at his mouth. Like he kept drinking it.
Like I was trying to, nothing moved. She was pulling as hard as you can. Yeah.
And the other, which reminded me of the other time I tried to be a bouncer. There was a guy that was managing the Burwood hotel, Kerry Gibson, and he had one arm and he played first grade for Western suburbs rugby league. And he ran the security at Balmain leagues. And they got me as an 18 year old. I got, I went, I was like, yeah, I can be a bouncer. They teamed me up with this guy on the run from the Zoz was the best friends with Ronnie Laycock. Anyway, uh, I do remember him getting kicked out of the orient one night and he took his shirt off and went around the corner and punched the guy through the glass. I was like, what, this is who I got partnered up with. And because I was the youngest, they had, they asked me to remove Jeff from Balmain leagues as an 18 year old.
I was like, come on, I'm not doing that. They're like, you got to go back. And uh, anyway, that's my claim to fame. I politely requested you would have been leaning on your words for that one. Yeah.
Anyway, that was my one night as a bouncer. Never again, I love the sneaky through the window. I got arrested. It was right opposite the cop shop in the rocks. Took his flannel off, wrapped around his arm and punched the bouncer through the window at the orient.
I was like, I've got to get out of this. I got to stop working at these places. Like I was 18.
He was a, he was a international rugby player and a demolisher by trade. Him and Ronnie Laycock. Oh, the life and times of Ronnie. I'll be going down a rabbit hole on Ronnie later.
The Laycocks mate, they're amazing cheerers. Tasmanian cheerers.
Yeah. That story, by the way, that story you just told me was very, uh, Forrest Gump. So we, we start in cheering in rural Tasmania and then we're in the Burwood hotel with Ronnie, who's now holding the bar. And then you were scored.
Well, thank you Angus. You're a great football. I've come up through the grades and we look forward to seeing a lot more from you, mate. Thank you for joining the Petuta over podcast. Thank you gentlemen. Lots of love to you. |
cracked | 5_baffling_things_about_twitter_porn_accounts | Hey, you wanna know the weirdest thing about the outward-facing Twitter feeds of sites that provide free porn videos? That there are those? Pornhub, RedTube, U-Porn, BangBros, BroTube, BangU, PornTube, BangHubbers. They all employ people full-time to do nothing but manage their user's Twitter porn experience. Even though the last thing you want from internet porn is that it be conveyed in words. Nor does porn really need the exposure. It's not rich crackers. It's naked people f***ing for you to watch on video for free. Did you really need to lure people in with a Twitter list linking every video as it gets posted? I have RSS feeds for that, man. Maybe it's an attempt to humanize the site. You know, put a face on the porn. Terrible idea. The whole benefit of internet porn is that you don't have to parade your shame in front of another human. Other than the NSA and Facebook's ad algorithm, obviously, to get to the nasty. So why is every porn site Twitter feed run by a sexy lady constantly inflicting her personality on her followers? And why are all of those ladies' personalities equal parts dirty bumper stickers, safe-for-work photos of cleavage, and little random personal details that absolutely no one wants to associate with making themselves come? I mean, the only poo-teen that I want to hear about from Pornhub is a guy poo-teen his man gravy all over some chick's cheese curds. Shit, now I'm doing it. Seriously, the abundance of terrible one-liners tweeted by porno site interns rivals that of any shitty multinational corporation's Twitter feed. That or a cracked article. It's like if a computer algorithm took greeting card jokes and inspirational shirt slogans and just added the word pussy or blowjob in at random. Not to say that there aren't some subtle nuances that become apparent after hour eight of reading nothing but porno tweets.
You're welcome. For example, Tube8 is a little more edgy and Hemingway-esque than the others. Brazzers is all about the music, and not afraid to ask if it doesn't know the answer to an important question. An X hamster is the one that's really sorry your video didn't load, but they're totally on it.
So hot. So yeah.
No, I guess I still don't get it. It is not like these are nothing feeds, either. They all have many thousands of followers. Must be a community engagement thing.
You know what? Check out the replies. Yep, that's what you'd expect.
That's just disconcerting. That's kind of the opposite of porn altogether. Even worse.
And yep, we've reached internet. This is now internet. Okay, we got there.
Jesus. Man, dark shit. Hey, did Brazzers ever get their question answered? My god, get that guy! Get that guy in here! The layers! That's like four jokes in there. You wear that? Oh, man. I hope you framed my crotch out, because that just made me hard as a rock. Yes please, I said.
She unbuttoned her blouse and showed me her boobs. Both of them. She had two nipples, like a normal person. I looked at the breasts and said, yes. Those are like baseballs, but ones that stick to your face.
She said, I know. I know.
It's a little bit of my erotica. I'll give you a lot more if you subscribe to our channel. Thanks for watching the video. |
TheOnion | Millions_Irrationally_Feared_Dead_In_Minor_Train_Accident | And welcome back.
If you're just now joining us, millions of Americans are irrationally feared dead this morning following a train derailment near Wilmington, Delaware. Less than 200 people were aboard the train, but because no names have been released yet, countless more are being imagined trapped inside the wreckage by worried parents and overly anxious friends. And the list of imagined victims is growing by the minute, from brothers-in-law who live in Delaware who usually drive but could possibly have been on that train to friends who went to Delaware on a business trip and may have been next to the tracks for some reason when the train derailed. And sadly, we're getting reports that even those who have never been to Delaware are now also among those irrationally thought killed.
My sister's phone just keeps going straight to voicemail. Why would it do that? She lives in New Jersey, which is right next to Delaware. My brother lives in California, but he rides a train, so I'm worried that he went to Delaware and knows me.
FEMA spokesman Kent Jeffries is joining us now live from Washington, D.C. Kent, how bad is this? Well, it's one of the worst disasters this country has ever seen in terms of completely unfounded concern. People are grieving based on virtually nothing. What can they do, Kent? Stop calling your loved ones. If you can't get a hold of them, it doesn't mean that they're dead. It's much more probable that they're walking on a busy street and just didn't hear their cell phone ring. Or maybe they're in a meeting. Right. We estimate 40% of those believed dead are just in a meeting. Kent, what is FEMA doing to mitigate this? Well, Tracy, we're setting up reassurance shelters in YMCAs and school gymnasiums nationwide where folks can stand in a big room with literally everyone they have ever known and keep them within their field of vision.
Hopefully that will ease some of the panic. So there's a possibility that nobody at all has died. No, Tracy, some people are definitely dead. Bodies are still being pulled out of the crashed train. However, the likelihood that any of your viewers knew them personally is quite small. Well, that's a relief. It's much more likely that someone you know died today due to something wholly unrelated to this train accident like medical problems, car accidents, being shot, freak acts of nature, poison accidentally ingested, falling down a flight of stairs, electrocution, accidental strangulation, random organ failure, drug overdose, surgery gone wrong. All right, Mr. Jeffries, thank you so much.
Oh, and we are just now getting word from Homeland Security that they're now warning people that their fears may spiral into a wholly new fear that their loved ones never existed at all and are just byproducts of a drug-induced lucid dream in which their consciousness is currently imprisoned. Such a shame since this is reality. There is nothing beyond this to believe otherwise. It would be folly. Stay with us because up next we're going to show you how to keep your teens from having risky sex by spreading disgusting rumors about them.
We're on time or we're running out of time. Tonight on The Beltway we'll look at the nation's timetables. Don't miss it. |
TheOnion | Romantic_Boyfriend_Surprises_Girlfriend_With_Valentine_s_Day_Love_Labyrinth | Hey, you know on Valentine's Day, some people spring for flowers or dinner at a five-star restaurant, but others go above and beyond with elaborately planned spectacles. This year we've heard about scavenger hunts, flash mobs, and of course, love bird Brendan Jensen, who started 365 days ago and built a nigh-unescapable labyrinth of devotion for his girlfriend Rose. Brendan, you just might be the best boyfriend in the whole world. Where is Rose now? She's inside the giant maze I built for her. Brendan hid cameras all over the maze. Hey Rose, 365 days in the making, is this the greatest Valentine's Day gift you've ever gotten?
Sure is. I am very excited to escape it.
Don't solve it, honey. You solve a labyrinth, you don't escape it.
Rose, tell us how your romantic day started. Well, I woke up inside the maze. I didn't know where I was or how I got here. You kept it a surprise, you old dog.
And when I came to, a video started to play. A video? Oh, well let's take a look.
Oh, you went all out. Wow. What can I say? I just wanted to show how much I care.
Honey, it's really hot in here. I'm sorry, babe.
Do you not like it? No, uh, I love it.
Rose, you've been through a lot of amazing chambers already. The corridor of a thousand vows, the music chamber that ran out of air until you played yours and Brendan's song on a piano. The cuddle pit. What's been your favorite test so far? Um, I'm not sure. There've been so many. So many rooms. Okay, Rose, where are you now? This one is my favorite. It's the candelarium.
Ooh. Uh, honey? The walls are closing in. Oh good, it's working. She has to figure out what all the candles mean to our relationship.
Oh god, I guess they could represent, uh, I don't know. Brendan, I gotta say, you're one heck of a fella. I'm sure there are guys out there watching and thinking, you're making us look bad. Here's a look at what some viewers are tweeting in.
Wow, this guy won Valentine's Day, single on V-Day, but still nice to see other people trapped in labyrinths. Rose's sister told us, Rose is so lucky, why can't I find a guy like that? This relationship means everything to me. I just wanted to do something big. Hey, Rose looks like she's making some progress here. Is it one for every day since we met?
Oh my god, you got it! You're awesome! I can't wait for there to be even more candles in the chamber next year. So good! Oh, well that's what love looks like. And that love has gone viral as Brendan's video stream is currently being watched by millions of people all over the world. Just amazing!
Oh my god, it's our apartment! I'm home. Oh thank god. Where are you? It was just a set. You're actually back at the beginning!
Oh, don't worry babe, Valentine's Day isn't over yet. Oh Rose, you are obviously just overjoyed. We want to wish the best of luck to both of you kids. |
SaturdayNightLive | jeopardy_1999_saturday_night_live | Don't walk away from your telescreen because it's time for the new Jeopardy! 1999. And now here's your host, Art F. 114. thank you very much. Thank you Don Vardo. Well, there's some exciting and valuable prizes to be won. Don, will you tell the folks at home who the contestants are? Art, our returning champion, is a shredding machine operator from the Ministry of Information in Sector 427. welcome back, Danny M. 125. Danny, you've won over three million dollars. what are you gonna do with that money?
Well, they've discovered the cure for the disease my mother was dying from and I'm going to use the money to have her defrosted. Great. how old will she be? 37.
Well, good luck to you. who's our next contestant, Don Pardo? she's a security monitor for the Osaki Health Works, a cheerleader for the Rocket Tennis Team, and she enjoys sex. Let's welcome Lorraine. A270. A270, huh? that's right. that's funny. you don't look like an alpha. you know, we always enjoy having test tube babies on our show. Tell us, are you having those headaches we hear so much about? no, but sometimes our words say in reverse. Well, good luck to you. Don Pardo, our last contestant. Art, it's a lobotomous for the Ministry of Love in Sector 753. let's welcome Lee. P. 413.
Do you have any hobbies, Lee? I collect antique sexual devices, art. Well, maybe you and Lorraine can get together after the show for some sex. Yeah, sounds great. I'd enjoy it.
Okay, and now it's time to play Jeopardy! 1999. the categories are medicine, movies, Tv, U.s. history, mutant viruses, and nuclear accidents. Danny, you're the champion, So you begin. U.s. History for 10,000. Okay. first President to accidentally kill himself in office.
Yes, Lorraine. Who was Gerald Ford? I'm sorry, that's wrong. Remember, it says here in office. who is Walter Mondale? that's right. go ahead, Lee. Uh, movies for 10,000. movies for 10,000. major film studio that will change name next year. Lorraine. What is 20th Century Fox? That's right, go ahead.
Okay, movies for 20,000. Movies for 20,000. original Tidy Bowl Man in Tv ads won eight Oscars.
Denny. Who was Fred Miltonburg? That's right, that's right. keep on going.
Uh, Medicine for 10,000. Medicine for 10,000. legalized in 1983, it eased overpopulation.
Denny. What is baby killing? That's right, Denny. Okay, go, Denny.
Uh, medicine for 20,000. Medicine for 20. first man killed.
Lee. Uh, who was Fran Tarkington? That's right. Back to you, Lee.
I'll go to Nuclear Accidents for 10,000. Nuclear accidents 10,000. in 1981, became first terrorist group to ransom city with plutonium.
Denny. who are the young Republicans? That's right, go, Denny.
Uh, Tv for 10,000. Tv for 10,000. longest running show on Tv.
Lee. uh, what is baba Black Sheep? That's right. Okay, now, Larry Lee, we're running out of time on this.
Okay, uh, Tv for 50,000, please. Tv for 50,000. comedian whose career fizzled after leaving Nbc Saturday night.
Well, I'm sorry, it took too long on that. the correct answer is, who was Chevy Chase? Chevy Chase.
Ah, there's the bell telling us it's time for Final Jeopardy. Now, that final Jeopardy category is assassinations.
Now, remember, contestants, you can wager all or part of your earnings. Lee, you have 10,000. Lorraine, you have 20,000. and Denny, you have 20,000. Okay, contestants, place your wager.
Avoid childhood traumas, save time and money. Another fine product from the people at Chromacon. And what home would be complete without the amazing laser manic, slices, dices, or chops? Everything from tomatoes to diamonds. And our contestants will ease their troubled minds with a new dial-a-blank electro-sharp kit. forget anything you want with a twist of the dial. so effective you won't remember your own one. dial-a-blank from Leisure-tronics. And our contestants will be taking home Mr. Wacky, Reese's multi-torture kit for the young scientist in the family. monkeys not included are.
Thank you, Don. And here now is our Final Jeopardy answer.: He Assassinated President Kennedy. No. Kennedy was President about 30 years ago, wasn't he? perhaps you've seen something about him on your home entertainment system. maybe one of you will just get lucky. Well, let's hope so on this. Okay, put those pins down. Lady, what's your answer? J. Edgar Hoover.
No, I'm sorry you're wrong on that. you wagered 10,000 That leaves you with nada. Okay, Lorraine, your answer is Fidel Castro. No, I'm sorry, you're wrong. you wagered 15,000 That leaves you with 15,000. Benny, who was Frank Sinatra Jr. That's a good guess, But no, I'm sorry, you're wrong. Let's see, you wagered 10,000 That leaves you with 20,000. you're still champion.
Who killed Kennedy was Lee Harvey Oswald. We'll see you next week on Jeopardy! 1999. so long! |
dropout | hardly_working_office_force | Um, hey, does anybody know how to fix this printer? I could use some help. Help? Someone needs help!
Okay team, let's walk over to the printer. I said walk. Come on, it's not that hard Guys, just left leg, lift up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, um, okay, uh, new plan, uh, right arm, reach for the printer. Right arm, reaching out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh my god, oh my god, that was scary. Let's just uh, fire a missile at the printer. No good, and there's our missile and he's out sick.
Power Sword? In a sales meeting. Hey guys, right leg here, new to the team, don't want to overstep any bounds, but I'm beginning to think that combo mode isn't as effective as five individual people. You know, I guess I could probably fix the printer on my own. Also my doctor said being a leg gave me scoliosis. Guys, guys, come on, remember what the ancient wizard told us? We're much stronger together than we are apart. Yeah, but then you asked him specifically if that meant we should form into a large five person fighting robot.
And he said no, definitely not. He was speaking metaphorically. And then he tried to sell us meth.
You did, you're right. Yeah, you're right, you're right, I just remembered, that is true, that happened.
Okay, combo mode is clearly not working out, which is why we need to go into super combo mode. Yeah! Let's do it! Haha, what's super combo mode? It's just like regular combo mode, except David is our head. Saddle up, nerds. |
dropout | the_couple_that_tries_too_hard_on_social_media_hot_date | Bridget, I have photos already! Get out of the cage! I'm sorry, I'm trying to... relationship goals here, Darius. Alright, you got your picture. Now let me hit some friggin' dingers! Damn it!
Um, actually though, that garbage usy of us only got 12 likes, so apparently we need a better one. Date night with my best friend, even though literally I cannot stand you right now. Hashtag boyfriend material. We don't have to document everything on this damn date! Except how about we do, Darius? Otherwise, how will people know we're a healthy couple, idiot? Wait, nobody liked my photo instantly?
Mortifying? I'm deleting it.
I will take one more cute picture with you, and then you have to leave me the frig alone. Okay, come here, come here. Don't look at the camera, look at me like you're in love with me, and also kind of like stand in front of me so I look so cool.
How about I look at the goddamn ball? fuck! Dammit!
Twizzed? This is like the cutest photo I've ever taken. Good!
Get out of the cage! Don't try to control me, asshole! Hashtag a swing and a kiss. I will literally, actually leave you. Hashtag he treats me like a princess. Get out of the cage, please! I wa- Babe, babe, I said to get out of the cage, are you okay?
Oh my god. I look like I got lip protection. Quick, photograph me before it heals. There's still like a quick swing to like start to even them out. I feel like this one's like way bigger. |
TheOnion | Weather_Forecast_Says_It_s_Windy_As_A_Bastard | Thanks, Tracy. If you were out and about in Pennington last night or this morning, you probably couldn't help but notice that it's windy as a bastard out there. We've gotten reports of garbage cans being blown clear across the goddamn street in the Poinsettia district, storm windows rattling around loud as shit by the dirty old canal, and it generally just being windier than a son of a bitch throughout Pennington. We have an email from one of our WONN 5 junior weather watchers. Margaret writes, It's windy as balls. You can hardly get down the frickin' street without walking backwards like a dick and getting all out of breath. Thanks, Margaret. And now your future fivecast for today. You can expect clouds with a high of just 43 degrees, which probably still isn't cold enough to stop that weird Fredericks kid from wearing shorts. A cold front will bring the wind chill to just above freezing this afternoon around three, right around the time the Fredericks boy will walk down to the gas station in his knee-length shorts and just sit there watching people pump gas.
Okay, looking at the 10 day, we're in for quite a bit more rain, and we all know what that means. The Pennington River is going to get really, really smelly. And about Wednesday, it looks like several unending days, black as pitch and utterly without hope. Okay, back to you, Jim and Tracy. |
cracked | how_captain_marvel_junior_has_the_worst_weakness | Comic book heroes are great and fun, and there are so many cool ones with different powers to choose from, but also ones with weird, strange weaknesses. And one of the silliest weaknesses is Captain Marvel Jr. Not sure who this is? It's Captain Marvel's sidekick, nerd. The way C-Marv Junes activates his powers is by calling his senior version's name Captain Marvel. Captain Marvel! However, Captain Marvel Jr. cannot say his own name. Yep, his weakness is that he can't introduce himself at parties or say who he is on the phone. We suppose this came up so the character would lose his powers sometimes. But even weirder, the writers decided to work around this issue when they realized it was strange and dumb by shortening Captain Marvel Jr.'s name to CM3. Okay, so now he has to sound like a droid from Star Wars instead of a superhero from the Marvel Universe? Maybe it's time for another rewrite.
You know the drill. It's YouTube. If you don't like YouTube, check us out on Amazon Prime. All of our videos are there now, and they're amazing, and they look great, and you should watch them there. |
dropout | Our_D_D_Crew_Crashes_a_Pigeon_Wedding_The_Unsleeping_City | I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. You can go to Dimension 20 show and just click the bell to get notifications. I get carried away. I'm sorry. Do you guys wanna play D&D? No, thanks.
I think I go to Priya's house. You swim through the dreaming of New York and you arrive right near Union Square, close to Stuytown, and you see a gorgeous opulent apartment all done in this illuminated nighttime glass. And you see that there is a little bowl, something imperceptible, flashes of light and color. And you get the sensation that Priya is dreaming in that room. Cool. Um, I know I shouldn't do this, but I just go anyway. I try to look in at the dream. You pop your head in and you see that there is a tea party on top of a clock in a strange, dark forest. And you see that Priya is talking to a fractured man as she's sitting at this little tea table. She looks gorgeous, by the way.
You see that she looks up and says, well, the collection didn't meet my standards, at least for myself, and I think that oftentimes when we find ourselves trying to create a body of work or find a theme or a central thread through something, we end up elaborating on subconscious ideologies. Culture works on us in ways that we can't even quite estimate or imagine from our conscious mind. And you see that she's just talking to this fractured man, this babble of stuff about her art and what she's working on.
Go ahead and make a stealth check for me if you'd be so kind. Heh. Um, okay. Let's see, that's 13.
She looks up and looks at you and she says, Peter, what are you doing here? What? Peter, Peter, have you come back to help me?
Well, it all feels so strange. You lose your grip on the outside dreaming world and are now just in this forest. The clock starts ticking underneath the tea table. You see that the fractured man gets up and takes a little top hat and cane and starts dancing very slowly.
I made a mistake. Um. Peter, my goodness.
How are you? How am I?
It's so funny you ask that. I don't think any of us ever really knows how we are. Or if we do, it's a narrative we're projecting.
I run. I run through the forest. You run through the forest and you see that this slow dancing man starts dancing after you.
Jesus Christ. Uh. Cool. Make a, go ahead and make a wild magic surge for me if you feel so kind. Oh, great. That's just a D20. D20, yeah. Eight. Cool. You snap awake in the master bed, not having blown up or anything, but you are covered in a cold sweat. I get up and I start doing some pushups. On the ground. Oh. Wonderful.
The next morning at Kingston's apartment, you guys begin to arrive there the following morning. You see that there is a small chair on the second landing of the building that has a little sign out. The sign says, gone to church, help yourself to a cinnamon bun. And you see that there is a big plate of fresh-made cinnamon buns steaming as you guys arrive there on the landing.
I touch all of them, just looking through for the best one. You gotta find the goopiest one. No, no, no, Kug, just take the top one. I don't think the one at the bottom, it's good. Jenga head, Pareto.
I pick all of the rat hair off of it. I come up just after that, like, oh, cool. It's just a full mound of rat hair. You guys find yourself in Kingston's apartment. What does Kugrash look like right now?
He looks great, I styled him this morning. He looks like full chinchilla. He's like the poofiest rat. He's almost spherical, he's so poofy.
I act like nothing's changed. What's up, guys? How's everybody doing this morning?
Kugrashawn, you look fabulous. Honestly, Kugrash, this is my favorite look you've had.
Really? I think it's the second look you've had, but I'm into it. Oh, thanks, Sophie, it's her work. Oh, I wasn't gonna take credit, but yes, I did do it. But you know, I had a good canvas to work with. All right. I do my dance again.
What? What are you doing? Can we get free drinks? You look like a hairy baby. So we talked to the fountain. Yeah, I was gonna say, does anyone know?
So the Don Confetti, that pixie, his daughter is getting married to a pigeon. Ronald Pigeon, good stock. Good pigeon family.
I just RSVP'd to the wedding last night. How many plus ones do you get? Yes, I love a wedding. So we're going with you. We're going to the wedding?
You have plus five. If Missy's gone, we're all gone, right? I don't think I have a plus five. That seems like an insane- I can spit in your bag, right?
I'm sure I could be a stylist or something like that. I do need a stylist.
When is the wedding? The wedding is tonight. The wedding's tonight? I RSVP'd for a wedding that is tonight. I'm a- I have been getting hit up so much. Where is this wedding?
Oh, it's in Central Park. It's at the Boathouse. Is it the Boathouse? It's actually in the Ramble near Belvedere Castle. But it's right near- Oh, beautiful.
Okay, I've been getting hit up nonstop by people who want coke for this wedding. Okay, really? So I was going to be there already. Not to slow it down, but it's- I mean, we're just going to run up in the Pixie Mafias wedding. Is that our plan?
I could probably talk to some pigeons and maybe get us invited by some lonely pigeons if you'd like to be a date. The plus one pigeon? To run with a bunch of pigeons? Okay, I'm not sure- I want to be a pigeon, plus one.
I mean, hey, I will say the markings from the pictures are really the only thing we've got to go on right now. But running up in a mafia's wedding is not a good way to get answers. It's a good way to get hurt. It's a good way to get kicked out of you. So- I agree. I mean, Don Confetti is a sweetheart, but he will kill you and all of your family.
But that's why we just go with the pigeons. We're just going to go with the pigeons. We just get a pigeon date. I'm going to go out and find some pigeons. See if there's any horny pigeons out there.
You know, Cuck, you've had crazy plans. Let's do this.
I have a spirit. I have my spirit totems as a circle of shepherd. And normally I think it's a bear, hawk, and unicorn, but mine are juicy cockroach, spicy pigeon, and unicorn. I would like to use a spicy pigeon aura and then just see if I can find any pigeons.
Cool. You have to go over to like the window of Kingston's apartment. You guys see that Kugrash spreads his little rat arms and you, before you hear anything, the street darkens and you see people go, ah, get out of here! And start running on the street. Are they coming into my house? They ate like a fucking fire hydrant. No, Kugrash, no!
You got my, summon the spirit of a spicy pigeon. Oh my God. Oh, they just come to me, my baby. You say spicy.
I'm helping you like shoo them on furniture. Hey, I'm in the bathroom touching up my makeup so I can be a pigeon plus one. You hear a very gentle knock on the bathroom door. You open the door.
Pfft! Ahh! Ha ha ha ha! Kug!
All right, is anyone here from the pigeon family? Is anyone here related to Ronald Pigeon?
I'm rolling over, I'm rolling over, I'm rolling over! Is anybody looking for a date tonight to the wedding? You see that a ton of wings start going up.
Actually, make a charisma check. Make a nature check for me. Oh, nature check, thank God.
So my house is just covered in pigeons right now? Covered in pigeons everywhere.
I'm looking for the hottest one. I almost had a 19, but it said I got a three. I have a seven.
You see that it looks like a lot of the pigeons are already like settled up. You see that they say like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, my date! I have my people set up. All the people that I'm going with are all there.
I think I'm gonna do a sultry lean up against the wall and say, if anyone needs a plus one, I'm available. Go ahead and make a persuasion check. Oh, dear. Guys, I'll just turn into bugs. You guys are all more curious. I got a nat one! Hey, guys, we gotta impress these pigeons. Maybe I should try it?
Ricky, please. You see that, as you say that, you see the pigeons all come over and say, do you have crumbs? I'm sorry? She doesn't have crumbs. Who needs her? I have so many crumbs, and I take one of the cinnamon rolls, and I. Okay, stop throwing cinnamon rolls around my. I'm helping you clean. I'm helping you. Take off my shirt, and then put some crumbs on my chest. Ricky! Make a charisma check with advantage, if you piece of that kind.
17 and three. So 17 plus three, so I did 20.
You see that there's one pigeon who says, oh, this guy's covered in crumbs. You can be my date any time, mister. Awesome, I'd love to go to this wedding with you. Do you wanna eat some crumbs off me? You see that she hops up and begins to peck crumbs off of your chest.
I'm kinda jealous, I poke her. I lean on her feet, and I'm like, I've been magical for 30 years. This is the craziest shit I've ever seen in my entire life. I've been studying men for a really long time, and I can't stare at Ricky enough.
I have guidance. I wanna touch Sofia and try to seduce it one more, try to seduce one one more time. Okay, what does that mean? You get to add a D4 to one ability, Jack. I'll go for another one who is still here to be a plus one. I added three to it. Oh. Okay, it's gonna be a 10.
Do you do anything with the crumbs or no? Yeah, I think I, oh, I don't wanna put them anywhere in decent. I just throw crumbs all over her. I think I'm gonna be really polite with the crumbs and just put them in my, make a crumb trail all the way up to my mouth.
You see one pigeon looks over and says, it's a trick, and then they start walking away.
Oh my god, what is wrong with me? Can I cast, is it a waste to cast suggestion on this? You can totally cast suggestion, go for it. Yeah, I'm gonna cast suggestion on just another pigeon. Cool. Oh, the pigeon completely fails, goes, huh?
I think my friend wants to go to the wedding if he need a date. You can come with me, you can be my plus one. Oh my god, it worked, I'm so charismatic, yes. Anything you want, Mr. Crumbs, I'm happy to help. Can I lean over and tell Kingston, like, seriously, people have hit me up for this wedding, so if you just wanna look like muscle, we can both go in there as dealers. I mean, I would much prefer that to the idea that I'm walking in there with a pigeon that I am possibly romantically entangled with. I feel like Kingston, you can be my plus one. All right, Fantasia, why did no one else get that offer?
Hey, honestly, Misty, thank you so much. I appreciate that. You're so welcome.
I would've loved to see you in, like, street clothes. Yeah, I wouldn't have liked it, this is much better. You got a nice suit, right? I do, of course, of course I have a nice suit. I'm gonna dress up really great for this wedding. You're gonna love it. I can lend you some cool clothes. Real quick, can we do it quick?
So everyone's got a way to get it, everyone's got a pigeon date on them. Do I have a pigeon date? coverage, I don't think you have a pigeon date. I ask my pigeon, do I get a plus one? I ask your plus one, do I get a plus one?
Oh, boy! I know, okay. Let me, I'm gonna cast guidance on myself and try one more time to seduce a rat. Rod nine, glad if I can use nature 13. 13, you see that one of the pigeons says, uh.
We can just go as friends. That's gonna make me look a little desperate, don't you think? That I can't get a date to the wedding? All right, we can go as. Why don't you just go with my handbag? No, well, pigeon, do you wanna be dates? Do you wanna go?
Do you wanna be real dates? Do you wanna be real, I'll be a real date with you. You want me to be a real date? We can be a real date.
Oh, gosh, I've thought about you a lot. Oh, no. Yeah, I've thought about you, too.
It's just scary.
She's happening in a room with thousands of pigeons. Thousands of pigeons. I'm super bothered with pigeons.
I could be wrong about this, but I feel like maybe I've dealt drugs to these people, but I didn't realize that they were pixies. Like, I saw them. Okay, cool, cool. Yes, you absolutely have dealt. Yeah, you look back over your text history and you're like, huh, some of this doesn't make sense that I would have been okay with it. I have to leave the drugs in a circle of mushrooms in a weird part. You know, stuff like that.
In like a bird house. In like a bird house?
Yeah, exactly. Cool. So you see the pigeon says, wow, I guess dreams really do come true, huh? Sure, you know what? You guys should kiss. Sure. Yeah, I think so, too. Get over here, Perry. I put my lips out. You see that the bird just inserts its closed beak into your first lips. This is fine.
All right, none of that in my house. All you have to do is, a broom is out. Shh, get everybody out of my house.
We'll meet you guys. We'll meet you guys in the next video.
Ow, ow. That's a bad, everybody get out of my.
Does the pigeon leave your chest? Or is it? Yeah, the pigeon does leave your chest. I didn't catch your name. Yeah, the pigeon flies away. You see it.
Kugrash, don't ever do that bull. I just got us into the wedding.
No, next time, tell me, you go on the roof. Next time, I have a roof. I have roof access.
This does not, thank you Pete, this does not need to happen in my living room. All right, all right. It is a disaster zone in here of just feathers and debris. I'm already helping to clean up. This is fine. Like spraying counters and like. It's fine, I'll call somebody. I'm like pretending to help, but I'm just like. All right, everybody stop wasting their time. Can I call like a cleaner friend of mine? Yeah, absolutely. I can't tell the way things are supposed to look. I'm just like, this is fine though.
There's a woman who lives on the block who comes, because you have such a crazy schedule and you've been working with her, she's great. You see that you get a little text back from her being like, nothing's gonna jump out or scare me this time, is it? No, just too many feathers. You see that there's a little ellipsis and then a question mark, and then it says, better not to ask is the text you get.
Yeah, with a bunch of H's. Cool. That evening rolls around. You guys head off to Central Park. What do you guys, do you guys do any preparation before you guys head there, or what do you guys do? I hit up Conway's for some discount padded bras and whatnot, and I squeeze myself into something provocative. Awesome, great.
I guess I would like a little suit. I guess I'd buy a suit like off a doll. I ask Sophie to buy a doll suit for me, like a dummy, eventual stuffy suit.
And you look really good, like it's like. It's well, it's like it's tailored to me. Wonderful. I think I go and get supplies and stuff. Cool, rad. Do you head to Seven to do that, or is your own supplies? Yeah, I feel like Seven and I have a spot that's like a karaoke bar at night, but during the day we go and do inventory and that's where we keep everything stashed. Rad, very cool. So I go there.
Cool, you meet up with Seven very briefly. Seven's got like long sideburns. He's like a rail thin, thick eyebrow guy. He's one of these like very high strung New York acidic nerds, like just very nerdy about stuff. He meets you up at this old karaoke bar.
Hey there, how's it going, pal? Good, man, how are you?
What happened with the home situation? Girlfriend kick you out? No, my, it's stupid. She thought I was selling drugs.
So you've been made. As long as you've been made.
No, no, no, it's nothing like that. No one knows anything.
Okay, what we are doing here is we are tapping into a market that has an incredible demand and not enough supply. Okay, so what I need is multiple eight balls for tonight.
I can do that for you, but what I have to understand is do you have the vision for the organization in mind? Like are you gonna be a company man? Do you have what it takes?
Like for example, have you upgraded to Bitcoin yet? No, okay, I don't do cryptocurrency. I don't wanna go to one of those cafes with you. I could have you set up in 20 minutes and your money is making money for you. The coins that you're investing in sound made up, okay? I'm not trying to waste my money. Money is made up by the government, dude. It's a fiat currency. I don't need to talk about this with you right now.
Okay, how many eight balls do you need? Give me as many as we have. All right, you see he digs out a enormous amount of drugs, hands them to you.
You see he says, look, honestly I prediction. I read trends. I am on my computer all day, every day, working this shit out. In the next five to 10 years, the United States of America will not have currency. Fact. You are usually right about, all right.
I hand him like $800 in cash. I'm like, can you invest this for me? Do you want me to take this and go buy Bitcoin for you? I want you to set it up yourself. I want my, I want an organization. I don't know, I looked it up. You have to get like a wallet or something. I don't want, I don't want my name on anything here. You see he takes $800 and says, all right, I'm gonna invest this.
You're not gonna regret it, all right? The future is happening now, which means that now already happened. And if you're too asleep to realize it, you need to wake up. I'm adding his name to like a note in my phone of people who owe me money and people that I have stuff out to. Awesome. You get the drugs, you head out.
Anyone else preparing or doing anything? I have a sad moment where I'm going through my closet and there's like a tuxedo from my wedding and I push past it slowly and then just grab like a white shirt and a black tie and just a little aftershave. Maybe, do I come back there at the end of this sad moment? He just catches me standing in my closet just like, look.
Oh, Pete. You good to go, man? Yeah, let's do it. Are you good to go? I'm great, man. Okay, great. Thanks for letting me stay here again. Of course, man. You've been great. You need a toothbrush or something? You good, you good? No, I'm good actually, yeah.
Oh, I also go to a Sephora and use free makeup. Because I don't wanna go home.
You guys arrive in Central Park. Snow has actually started to melt a little bit more today. Even though New York stays colder in the winter, the snow often just melts. It's not below freezing.
So you're in the lovely ramble. A little bit less living now that all the leaves have fallen off the trees. But the thick trees intertwine away from the lake. You guys arrive upon each other in your nice duds. And you see that there is a clearing through the trees where it appears that pigeons are beginning to descend.
All right, let's go pick up our dates. Yeah, you three have fun fucking up pigeons, you know? I take Kug aside and I give him a corsage I picked up for him to give to his date. I don't actually want to fuck this pigeon. It seemed like you had a really good connection. Harry and I are friends. He's a pigeon, I'm a rat.
I know, I'm just saying. I text Esther, just in case you hear about this, I am going to a wedding with the pigeon. Just thought I should let you know. I'm reading over his shoulder. Immediate text back, why would I need to know this? Nevermind.
I offer my arm to Misty and I think we head off. We're so much taller than me. I'm like maybe up to your elbow. I'm like holding your arm but like this.
I take out a selfie stick and just look like I'm a tourist. Like taking pictures in the park so that I can stay in one area for a long time. I think that we're all just getting together for a group photo. It's just you and me and all my photos. I'm in there too.
You guys arrive at, you see that two pigeons land on each of your shoulders, your dates land. And Kalgrash, you as well. A little pigeon lands there.
He just takes a selfie of all, oh that's cute. See you and he says, whoa, you look beautiful. Hey, you look great too, Barry.
Oh good, big day. Big day, Ronald Pigeon's getting married.
My life sucks so much ass.
You walk through the ramble, walk through the ramble. You arrive at an old, not a doorway, but it's just an area where two trees, two birch trees grow side by side. And in a little arch, two of their branches intermingle and Ivy has grown up in between them. You guys are walking in here sort of, I assume that Kingston and Misty are going ahead.
As Misty approaches, you see that the leaves of the vines begin to shimmer and twinkle and part, showing a separate part of the park beyond what you saw as you were approaching. And you see a beautiful wedding tent in a clearing and little lights everywhere that you see. The lights are themselves sprites and pixies and fairies. And a small fairy glen opens to you.
You see that there is a big buffet table. There's a band playing. You see the band is like a couple of working musicians.
It's like a bunch of like satyrs and fawns. You see that there's some dryads over in a corner that are smoking. And you see that there is a giant ogre that just has a huge tray of hors d'oeuvres. Many of the sprites and pixies are like on the tray hanging out as they're eating hors d'oeuvres. Huge tent. And you see that there is a smaller area which looks like a little kind of like hunting lodge. That has a bunch of pixies that appear to be in very nice suits, some of them pinstripe. And the lodge has an open door but also some entrances that are pure pixie-sized. Maybe like an old Central Park groundskeeper's cottage that has been renovated and is now held by the pixies. That seems to be where a lot of the family is. While more of the guests and pigeons are in the tent and out on the lawn. There's, you see that there's some like lawn darts, some bocce ball. People are just having a great time here.
It looks like the ceremony hasn't started yet. You guys enter. What do you guys do as you enter the wedding?
I say so loud, oh, what a beautiful wedding. Oh, oh my, oh, I love a wedding. You see that? What? Everybody's been talking to me, I love a wedding.
You see that the band quiets down for a second and one of the satyrs looks over and goes, well, well, well, well, well, if it isn't. You see, he shows his head and says, you recognize this guy, his name is Priapus. Priapus, oh my, my darling, I haven't seen you since.
Oh, what was that show that we did together you were in the pit for? A midnight cabaret downtown. Midnight cabaret, you know, I love doing Broadway but there's something about the visceral nature of the cabaret, you know, that just, you can see the people, the people can see you, you can touch them and smell them, steal their food.
I'm not gonna lie, you look good. Oh, darling, you look good. No, I'm talking, I'm attracted to you, I'm sexually attracted to you. Darling, I'm sexually attracted to you too. Yeah. This is really straightforward.
You see he says, any chance we can get you up on that bandstand later tonight if you had a few drinks? After I've had a few drinks, you know me, I love to perform, I love my people, I love my audience. I would bed you on the grass right now. You know, I'm a little busy right now and I do have some things to do but, you know, maybe later. I am possessed with the spirit of the wild and there are things that are happening to me.
Hi, I'm Kingston. This is Kingston, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I'm Kingston, I'm Misty's date this evening.
It's, we're just friends. Gotcha. But also, if you feel like having any kind of. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, if you wanna jump in. You're a beautiful man. Misty, I'm gonna take a walk. I'll be right back. You and your friend, could you? No, that's fine.
I have been trying to fuck that man for 40 years. He says, oh, he's hard to get, huh? Woo!
Well, we'll get the line flowing and we'll see what happens. Us theater people, we just have a different code, you know? Oh, this is the theater, exactly, we're artists.
New York! It's New York.
I fuck every member of my band.
Do these people have a lust spell cast on Shui? Can I check him? Oh, well, you see he's a satyr. He is a spirit of lust and revelry.
I know these guys are horny. Wonderful, what do the rest of you guys do at this lovely wedding? I'll look around just for snacks to see if they have any little plates going around. You see that there is another ogre who's kind of dressed. The ogres are the caterers.
He's just kind of tossing birdseed out to a bunch of the pigeons. You see that the pixies are all looking at these pigeons, very nonplussed and unimpressed. It's like they're not into it. I try a handful of birdseed. Yeah, I wanna talk to, I guess I'll talk to my date. Hey, Perry, how do the pixies feel about the pigeons?
Huh? Well, it's love, I guess. I think they love us, right? They love you. Maybe. Oh, okay. I don't know. Jesus Christ. That was a hard question. No, it's okay, you're fine. I think we might, I might, excuse me. Wait. Why don't you have some, let me go get you some birdseed. All right, you stay right here. I'm in love with you.
I walk away.
Aw. Absolutely me. I think I, is there like a door person, or like? Yeah, there's like an ogre over by the door that you can talk to, he's kind of dressed up. I see the ogre goes, hey, how's it going? Hey, good. You the plug? Yeah, yeah, so if anyone talks to you, you know, find me, I'll be around. And then I just kind of go around like talking to bartenders and stuff. Cool, you see he says, hey, if you wanna drop a ball over by the food tent, go for it.
And you see that he throws a bunch of cash in your hands. You look at it. This is like ancient British pounds from the 1700s. Hey, this, no, I need. What, this is what they use in New York, right? No, no, it's dollars. I show him, for example, this.
Oh, I just got here from Faerie, man. All right, I'll leave something back there, okay? I'll leave something. I appreciate it. If anyone hits you up, you hear rumblings, tell them you know where I am. All right, God save the king, man, you got it.
You see that. Can I ask, talk to one of the ogres? Yeah. Hey, is it? What? I don't know that much about this kind of stuff, but is it like normal for a pigeon to marry a pixie? You see that Jessica oversees us. Hey, man, I don't know, I just work here, right? Can I, you want some beef wellington? Yeah.
Yeah, trying to get those mackerels. It's like, I don't have enough napkins, I'm just, my hands are gross. Peeling off the pastry, because it's too much cup.
Can I grab, or can I walk up to Kugrash and Misty and kind of gesture to the hunting lodge and be like, feels like, feels like whatever we need to get done is in there. Do we think Ronald Pigeon might be in danger? I mean, are you?
Because these pixies do not seem happy. I mean, look, nobody's happy at a wedding. What is your sad life, Misty? No, I'm not saying that weddings can't be joyous, but joy and happiness are not the same thing, and there will always be people who are miserable.
Weddings have their own kind of magic. You know, that's why people who shouldn't always put a wedding, or suddenly the fight that you've been meaning to have for the last five years, suddenly you're having it in the middle of the dance floor. It's a strange, magical place, and you just have to go with it.
I think the mob is up to something. Yeah, I agree, yeah. But I mean, I don't know, I feel like, do you have a relationship with Don Confetti? I have a relationship with Don Confetti.
He's, as I said, a sweet man. He will kill you, but he's a sweet man.
So I can go and talk to him, absolutely. Could you make introductions for us or something? Yeah, you guys walk up.
Who all's going to the lodge with Misty? I'm not, because seeing this wedding is bringing back memories, so I grabbed a champagne flute and entered the first closet I could find.
Hey, guys, I just thought of something. You ever see that movie, The Godfather? Yeah. You know how they have to do the favor to the Don, the Don has to do favors for people on the day of his daughter's wedding? Yeah. Is that a thing? I think so. In The Godfather it is. But is it, it's like based on real stuff, right? Okay, but that's based on human people. These are all. I think, I don't know, it's a really old movie, it's so long. Do you have a Godfather poster up in your room? Yeah. Cool.
I got a Scarface poster, you got a Scarface poster up in your room? Yeah, I got both of them. That's sick, man. Those are my two posters.
The door to the hunting lodge opens as you approach and Misty, you look inside, you see that it smells so good, there's so much food in here, there's pixies everywhere, there's also like grigs and sprites and other little types of fairies. You see that on a countertop sitting, you know those little pizza tables, the little plastic pizza things? You see that sitting at one of those smoking a cigar is a very old pixie in a pinstripe suit, weathered face, fedora hat, rings on his fingers. The gravitas of this tiny little man, again, about that tall, pulls the cigar from his mouth, looks over and goes, well, well, well.
If it isn't Misty Moore. Donnie, darling, you look fabulous.
So, I see you've brought some acquaintances here, I didn't know I'd get a plus five on your invitation. I don't have a plus five, I have a plus one and these other people. They're guests of the pigeons.
I'm kind of walking off on my own to like drop off the ball where I was supposed to. I'm watching from the closet where I'm drinking by myself.
This food smells amazing. Did you bring it all the way from fairy? You see he looks and says, what? No, this is from fat cells. Oh, I love fat cells. It's great. I think much like yourself, Ms. Moore, I haven't been to fairy in some time.
You know, it's a real hard time getting all the way back there, especially from places like here. It's a hard time and maybe there's some people there that I don't want to see.
Oh, is that so? I don't know. That's real funny to me. Let me ask you a question. I heard you don't want a new play. Who are you playing in the play? Oh, you know, it's just a queen. Yeah, that's what I thought. Donnie, let me ask you a question here if I can. Does Titania know?
What a beautiful wedding. It's really so, is your daughter, I mean, she's probably getting, I'm so honored that you invited me.
My daughter, she fell in love with a bird. Love is love. I fell in love with a bird once back in like 1783, but really it was a fleeting affair. I thought it was love, but really it was just sex. The only bird I ever loved was a bird I killed when a crow tried to eat my babies. So are you in love? I love that he was dead. Do you not like the bird that your daughter's marrying?
Who, Ronald Pigeon? He's a good pigeon. He makes my daughter happy.
What can I say? Listen, you people come here to my favorite play, middle of Central Park. You come in here in the middle of my little pizza table. Is that the little center thing on pizza? You're saying, right? What do you people want, huh?
We're here to celebrate. Well, then celebrate away. Be my guest. Manju, this fall is for you, all you fine people. I shall be here until the ceremony begins. I hope you enjoy yourselves.
Well, we did have a question. Kingston Brown from our town, huh? Hello, darlin'. What? Your reputation precedes you. Oh, as does yours.
Oh, by the way, I did lose an earring a couple weeks ago. I don't know if, I'm not accusing you guys of anything, but I don't know if you found it on your travels, did you? Who's to say? Certainly not me.
Those things which become lost in New York only some portion end up in the pixie's coffers, although we do well for ourselves, I won't lie. Mostly these days, I'm an honest businessman. Yes, just like I'm an honest Broadway star. Ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, well, gotta feed the fire, right? Gotta feed the fire.
Santa's sleigh. Yeah, what happened to Santa?
Do you know? I'm sure you were aware. I heard about it. Seems like some pixie's got the wrong idea, huh? Can I do an insight check on him? Yeah, go for it. Any times. I'm also making an insight check.
16. Less than 16. 24. 12.
Misty, he knows. He knows.
See, he says, looks like two acquaintances of ours, two boys that have done a little bit of trouble in the past, got a bright idea, went rogue, acted on their own. They're in police custody now. Pinky and Twinkle. But they were not made men, not friends of the family. It looks like they might be going away for a long time.
I, for one, am acting in full cooperation with law enforcement, as I should. Now, I don't want to worry you, but it seemed to me that there was something more than just pixie dust. Maybe a little hellfire, as well. Am I being asked these questions on behalf of any state or legal entities? I am a actual rat man. I can't really speak to the police. I'm not speaking for the fire department. This is his ultimate narc standing there. You see he says, and if there's no official capacity, then I think I have business to conduct.
Please avail yourselves to your derbs. Your derbs, have a good time at the wedding. You see that some pixies go to usher you guys back out.
You're hidden in the closet. Actually, give me a stealth check. Well, what I would like to do, okay, I'll give you a stealth check. I got a nat one. The closet opens.
No. And you see your brother, Mario, looking right at you. Mario, what the are you doing here? Sophie, what the are you doing here? No, I asked you first. What are you doing here?
What do you see right now? Ah, I see Central Park at its finest and a Toyota Camry, what about you?
Sophie, finally running with you. I'm just running some errands. I'll tell you about it when I get home, I gotta go. You see he grabs a bag off a counter, looks over at Don Confetti, who doesn't look at him and heads out. Well, Mario, I'll chase him. You run out after him. You see he says, Sophie, funny when I see you here in the park, I gotta head out, I'll talk to you later, all right?
What are you doing with Don Confetti? You can't see it. Yeah, I was feeding you before. You see he looks at you and says, let's talk about this later, all right? It's dangerous here. I'll talk to you at home, okay? What's in the bag? None of your business, that's what's in the bag. I think it's my business, you and I share blood.
He turns to run. As he turns to run, you feel the flask full of water from Bethesda Fountain get burning hot in your pocket.
I don't wanna use that. It doesn't feel like it's actually, actually it's just burning your skin. It's just hurting you.
Okay, I'll just chase after him then. Cool, go for it. Make an athletics check. Okay, it's gonna be 25.
Hell yeah, you grab him, boom, into the wedding he goes. I wanna like backpack him and then pull him back in. Yeah, you backpack him, you pull him back in. You see he turns around, looks at you and says, what the fuck you doing?
Show me what's in the bag. I will tell you everything.
Just talk to me later, don't pull me down. These people will take, they'll come after Ma. Okay, I don't know if you're abusing Ma's name right now, but okay. He gets up, says, come to the house later, we'll talk. He takes off, he takes off.
The flask is now, you can feel your skin is actually starting to burn. Okay, I hold it with a fine, some piece of cloth to hold it with. You hold it with some cloth. Yeah, you see that it's getting like red hot.
I guess I, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just drink it. As you lift it up, get it to a closer thing, your flask bursts open and the water goes everywhere. It looks like the water inside the flask was boiling. These guys come out of the cottage. Does it feel like it was from seeing Mario that my flask started boiling? No, unrelated. It feels like something. Something's going wrong with M. Something's going wrong with the angel of the Bethesda fountain. What? I guess I run and I find you guys. Guys, I have a flask from the angel of the Bethesda fountain and it started boiling. I'm worried that something's wrong with the water.
How far is the Bethesda fountain from the ramble? Pretty close, right? Right next to it. Okay, yeah. I guess I'll run and check it out. You guys take off from there, rushing as fast as you can.
You arrive at Bethesda fountain to see people looking around, a little bit confused, but it doesn't seem like anything weird's happening. The statue of the angel is gone from the fountain. I guess I'll just get into the fountain and start looking for it.
Anyone can make an investigate or a nature check if they want to. Yeah, make some kind of check. I think I have a card for it, but do I have detect good and evil? Yes, you do. 24. Wait, no, I have protection. 24 on an investigate?
It's not hard. There's clear scrapes in the stone. Something dragged this thing out of here towards a section of road with a manhole cover in it. Okay, I'm gonna smash my champagne flute and then be like, actually, that was premature. Let's just go down the manhole.
What did you get on a nature check? I only got a seven. Cool. I got a 19 on my investigate check. 19 on your investigate?
You don't detect any fey anything here. Ricky, you're casting detect good and evil? I thought I had it. I don't see the card. You have divine sense. Yeah. So you just cast divine sense. You do not detect any celestial or infernal. You detect the faintest little whiff of undead, but then it's gone like a second later.
I'm at the manhole trying to. Yeah, I'm there too. I'm helping you. Yeah, you guys open the manhole cover up and yeah, you guys clamber down real quick. Scramble down. Kugrash, where the, where are we?
I don't know, are there tracks as to, cause it was dragged? Yeah, you see scrapes on the wall. You can even see scrapes on the wall. Clearly the statue was somehow removed from the fountain and dragged down into the sewer.
You see, well, you're like looking around very closely for those creatures that would be here. You notice something, which is you stop, you actually hear in the distance and you, now that you're not looking for it, you hear it too. You hear a chittering noise. You hear the rats speaking in a way you've never heard rats speak before.
The king has returned. The king, the king.
Oh, is this the rat king? This guy is such a douchebag. He doesn't know what, oh, this guy's not the real rat king. Don't we, this is, this guy sucks.
Do I detect anymore? Like, how is the? You detect, no, there's no more, there's no infernal celestial or undead down here. Can we see anything? Or this is just all hearing at this point.
Sorry, you do detect a trail of celestial magic. You see a trail of celestial magic left by the angel as clear as light in front.
There's a rat king. Follow me. I'll just take off running with you guys. You guys take off running. You're heading, you hear the chittering chattering all around you. At once, at once, the banners ring.
The day of man is over. Don't follow the rat king. He's not, he's a dope. A day of rats now comes.
Brother in arms, she's for all.
To us is congressional screaming. Screaming and like rat chittering. Shut the fuck up.
He does this. You guys vault through the sewers, going through from place to place. You guys see this like big little steel door. You have to open. You're in this giant cistern like beneath the central park reservoir. As you walk into the space, you hear a voice of many rats speaking as one. I turn the garage. Hee, hee, hee, hee. Oh, you are too late, I am afraid. For the rat king of the sewers now has his day.
And I have been gifted my bride. She shall be a queen to me. A queen to the king.
Ha ha, a day of rats, one man go. I carry a statue. Freak, this rat king sucks. He's not the real rat king. Try and stop me, bringer. I shall marry this rat queen at once. All right, we need to do this for the good of the rats, right gang?
Boom, the door shuts. I'm gonna need you all to roll initiatives. Ha ha ha ha ha. This is our fight, that one. And that's where we're gonna stop for this episode of The Unsleeping City. Tune in next time for a game of kings and queens. Gross, so gross. Ha ha, dice. Guys, that's all for this chapter of Dimension 20. But wait, more full episodes call out to you from the realms beyond dropout.tv.
Will you come to their aid and sign up for your free trial today? I open up my med bracelet and take my anti-psychotics, my Adderall, my testosterone really quick, remembering that I haven't taken my meds today. |
dropout | snowboarders_infest_collegehumor_all_nighter_2014 | Oh, fucking snowboarders. They're always just sitting around blocking everyone.
Sorry, brother. Get away from me. I was trying to do a fakey stalefish without strapping in. Idiot. Where are you snowboarding? Like, where are you getting momentum? Sorry, brother. You got away from me.
That's me, the flying tomato. No, you're not. That's Sean White's nickname. Shut up! I was calling myself the flying tomato way before Sean White sued me. Dude's litigious as shit.
We're ruined. Why not?
It's his attorney! Good work, brah. Thanks, brah.
What? On your left! Dude! On your middle! What the hell is wrong with you? We're left, brah. We're borders. Hey! Wait, what are you fuckers just calling yourself the flying tomato?
Oh, I know. It's Sean White. I told you to take down these goddamn flyers! Now, you won. Come on, dude. The ink is poisoning them. You eat one, too. Yes, sir. Yes.
Thank you for making me eat it. No problem. Thank you so much for watching The All-Nighter. If you liked that video, click to subscribe. You can't bear to miss another...
Hey.
Dude, get up and do the dance. You're not doing anything with the mask off. Good thing this guy's an intern. |
cracked | how_humans_will_eventually_beat_death_people_watching_4 | You know what I've realized? Death completely violates the laws of the universe. How do you mean? I mean, the universe is built on the law of conservation of energy, meaning for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. If say a car hits you, the distance you sail through the air is directly proportional to how fast the car is traveling.
For instance. Nice example. Right.
But anyway, that's a constant, that's how everything works. Energy cannot be destroyed, and so the destruction of one thing always results in the creation of something else.
But one thing I've learned is that death completely fucking gives that the finger. I guess I just never had the opportunity to confront that before, but it's really changed how I think about things. So how does death violate the laws of nature?
Think about it. Think about a human life. Think about the entire universe of thoughts and ideas and experiences and memories that are contained within just one person. Think about all the infinite potential of a single individual. Think about all the social connections, the family connections, the interdependence in a society. Think about the power of one person to affect others and the future and life in general.
But then when you die, it's like someone pulled the plug on a toaster, eh? Yes, exactly. All that and then a tiny bullet pierces some key location on your body and it all just fucking vanishes instantaneously? It's bullshit. Where did it all go? You can't fucking tell me that for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction when in the moment of death all of a person's decades of experience and love and abilities and interconnectedness just cease to exist.
It doesn't even come close to making sense. It's bad writing.
It's okay, right, to think about religion or whatever after going through something like that? Well, that's just it. I mean, I really started to see how the whole religion thing got started. It's 10,000 B.C., life spans are brief, someone's mate dies from a fucking snake bite and you're standing there watching someone's whole world vanish in an instant because of something so witless and random. Yeah, I'm guessing you're gonna start thinking of some kind of way to make sense of it pretty damn quick and then you'll probably get someone to write that shit down. No atheists in a foxhole, is that how it goes? That's just it, though. Despite it all, I'm still not religious.
Religion is just what people use to explain things before we had the mechanical capability to explain it all properly. And now we can explain the tides and the seasons and the stars and chicken soup. So if everything in religion has eventually had some equivalent in reality, then... Then what people thought of as the afterlife could also exist. It's just beyond our current scientific ability to determine it.
So what would that look like, I wonder? Well, having had weeks on my ass to think about it, I have an idea of what it would look like.
Do you really? So what differentiates us from other life on Earth?
Hats? Not hats. Other than hats.
It's our ability to defy nature, right? All other animals are locked into the natural balance of the ecosystem, but we're able to opt out. What do we fear most? Death. What are we best at? Breaking the rules.
So we'll make heaven somehow. Society exists to meet our needs. What we need most is to conquer death, so it logically follows that eventually we will. But not just death in the future.
All death. Because all death throughout history has been just as bullshit.
So what are you saying?
I'm saying, I pretty much now believe that to die is to find out if humanity ever conquers death. Because if we ever do conquer death, we'll obviously use that power to save everyone who's ever died. If we can imagine it, we can eventually build it. And I have to believe that in some distant future we'll have invented a way to not only preserve consciousness, but to reach back in time, back to the moment of someone's death, and rescue their consciousness as well, and transport it into the future to live on in infinity. Everyone who's ever lived, living still, a thousand years from now, or ten thousand, a man made heaven, analogous to what ancient people needed to invent for themselves to keep from going mad, to not lose hope. And so to die is to merely find out if humanity ever develops the technology to divide death and create a vast and infinite future that's the only possible, proportionate reaction to millennia of people dying. The only possible equilibrium to thousands of pocket universes going silent every day of every year forever.
That's what I'm saying. That's what I believe. Wow. You literally do believe all this. I basically have to. What can I say?
Death fucking makes you crazy. Near death anyway. Your time in hospital sure changed you, huh? Yeah, it did. It's not my death that got me thinking about this, though. That's my entire point. I don't think religion was born from a desperate desire to stay sane in the face of your own mortality. I wouldn't be sympathetic towards it if I thought it stemmed from love for yourself. I can accept my pointless, random death. I don't get how your time in hospital changed you then. It just did, alright?
Hi guys, my name is Natalia. I play Candy on People Watching. If you like the episode, you can check us out on Instagram. It's at People Watching Series, and I'll see y'all there. |
cracked | 5_permanently_banned_children_s_cartoons_canonball | Sometimes, while riding high on the success of their show, or more commonly, cocaine, cartoon writers get a bit cocky and end up with an episode of TV that censors yeet straight into the trash can before filling the trash can with concrete and sinking it to the bottom of the ocean. Or they just decide to never broadcast it again, whichever is easier. It doesn't really matter, because all banned episodes eventually land on the internet anyway.
In fact, that's all I've been watching this weekend. Which is why it looks like I've been crying.
And because I refuse to suffer alone, in this episode, we're taking a look at the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievably weird-ass banned cartoons you won't believe ever made it to air. We're talking about a surprisingly well-done PSA about gun safety starring medieval monsters. A cartoon musical being pulled because a background character had a beard and longish hair. And an uncomfortable amount of blackface, even by mid-20th century standards.
We're here to capture fucks you love. Great googly moogly. This is Cannonball. Number 5. Tom and Jerry.
The Blackface episodes. The Censored Eleven is the name given to a bunch of Warner Bros. cartoons from the 1930s and 40s that have been pulled from syndication for their portrayal of stereotypes, mostly of African Americans. They were so offensive that, after Ted Turner obtained the rights to early Looney Tunes and Mary Melody's shorts, he vowed never to let any of the Censored Eleven see the light of day. And remember, Ted Turner was okay with an episode of Captain Planet, where one of the villains travels back in time to sell an atomic bomb to Hitler. I wasn't prepared for the level of hatred radiating from that monster. His standards for acceptable animation material are... pretty low. Over the years, the Censored Eleven became a hot topic among cartoon historians. Some see them as an unfortunate but important part of history that should be preserved, warts and all. While others point out that, if you want to watch racist cartoons, there are like 50 internet forums and servers dedicated to just that. But the larger point is that, if 11 cartoons could cause such a ruckus in the animation industry and beyond, why aren't we talking more about Tom and Jerry's episodes that were banned or censored because of Blackface? Not only do those exist, there's at least 12 of those bad boys. The premise of those episodes is often the same.
An explosion occurs, painting Tom's or Jerry's face black, while also giving them big lips, wooly hair, and generally making them look like they just got out of the makeup chair while preparing for a minstrel show. The first such episode was probably The Yankee Doodle Mouse from 1943, which was never banned but instead edited to remove the Blackface scene. The last of the Tom and Jerry Censored Twelve was 1957's Feeding the Kitty, which also aired after the offending scenes were cut. But some episodes, like Mouse Cleaning from 1948, where Tom impersonates a stereotypical black man in full blackface, were banned not just from TV, but also from DVD releases of the show. The same thing happened to Casanova Cat from 1951, which not only features Tom smoking, Jerry being forced to perform a minstrel show act for a super sexualized cat, but also scenes of sexual assault.
Maybe just stick to slapstick, boys. Number four, the Powerpuff Girls. See me, feel me, know me. You'd think that if the Powerpuff Girls had a banned episode, it would probably be the one starring a character named Dick Hardley, a one-time villain who turns into the Hulk with tentacle nipples. You know, for a second there, I thought I was going to turn into a monster. Look into my eyes and tell me I'm joking about any of that. But no, so far the only Powerpuff Girls episode to be pulled off the air is See Me, Feel Me, Know Me. It's an homage to the Who song See Me, Feel Me, the finale to the 1969 rock opera Tommy, where all the Powerpuff Girls characters sing.
All the little old folks can walk real slow. Definitely an experimental episode, but nothing Western animation hasn't done before. Even the plot isn't breaking any new ground.
After getting their asses handed to them by all their villains attacking at once, the Powerpuff Girls feel overwhelmed and start praying for peace until a magical gnome arrives ready to grant their wish. But because the world has been reading Rumpelstiltskin for over two centuries, and more recently been watching its tasteful porn parody, Rumpelforskin, the audience quickly guesses that the gnome will only help the girls for a price. What the gnome wants from the girls in exchange for destroying all evil in the world is their superpowers. They eventually agree in order to save everyone, and to be able to live like regular girls. The gnome takes their powers, defeats all the villains, and then turns the entire city of Townsville into a cult worshipping him. The girls realize that that technically makes him evil, meaning that he didn't fulfill his promise. So they magically get their powers back and defeat the gnome.
The End. So why was this episode banned in the US? Only being available on the complete series DVD set? News creator Craig McCracken addressed the controversy surrounding the episode on his Tumblr, writing, They banned it because they claimed that the metal beams in the destroyed buildings look too much like crosses, and one of the hippies looked like Jesus. And alright, it's not like the guy doesn't look a bit like Jesus. It just feels like too little to pull an entire episode. Personally, I like to think that See Me Feel Me Know Me was banned because of the scene of Professor Utonium beating his meat in front of his daughters.
Tailspin Last Horizons Some time before 1990, a guy presumably walked into Disney's offices and said, Hey, I want to take the animal characters from The Jungle Book and reimagine them as businessmen, gangsters, and bush pilots delivering cargo and fighting sky pirates in the 1930s. And, because the Disney exec had apparently just finished hoovering a tablespoon of Satan's dandruff, he said, The only thing I hate about that idea is that it doesn't have a tiny bear named Cloudkicker riding a cloud surfboard. To which the first guy said, oh my god, you're not going to believe this. Anyway, Tailspin, despite the absolute bonkersness of the premise, turned out to be a pretty great show, full of real character moments, good jokes, and oftentimes spectacular airplane action.
Which still doesn't excuse the time the show suggested that real-life Japan deserved getting nuked at the end of World War II. Unfortunately, in addition to its setting, the show also borrowed its racial sensitivities from the 1930s for the episode Last Horizons, where the main character Baloo discovers Pandora, a hidden city populated entirely by Chinese restaurant mascots from South Carolina. To be fair, the residents of Pandora aren't really substitutes for Chinese people. They're actually supposed to be Japanese. We know that because, in the episode, the Pandas leader, Emperor Wan-Lo, convinces Baloo to lead the Pandas to his hometown of Cape Suzette, which they immediately begin to bomb in a treacherous sneak attack, an attack that also happens to occur about 20 years after the Great War. So around the start of World War II, making this bombing scene the most distastefully ham-fisted allusion to the attack on Pearl Harbor since...
Actually, I think they were the first ones to do it. So congratulations, I guess? We went with the Pearl Harbor. We're pretty classy.
But don't worry, the villainous Pandora is defeated when their fortress gets blown up in a gigantic explosion, which the audience is assured they deserved for being shitty buttholes and all. So yet, Disney produced a cartoon reenactment of the attack on Pearl Harbor and used characters from the Jungle Book to satirize the atomic bombing of Japan. A little pandemonium.
The episode was quickly pulled from syndication for its stereotypical portrayal of Asians and hasn't been broadcast since 2002. Well, we'll all miss him. No, we won't. It's also not available on Disney+, but you can get it on DVD.
Just in case you ever want to drop some shitty geopolitical takes on a bunch of unsuspecting kids thinking they're about to watch a show about cartoon bears flying a big plane. Alright, that's enough racism for one day. Let's change the topic to something much less controversial.
Like, um... A 14-year-old girl's breasts. Why don't you come out and have a seat real quick? Oh, f**k!
Number two, Braceface. Busted. Braceface is an early-2000s Canadian cartoon about a junior high school student with braces trying to deal with your typical challenges of teenage life. Also, her name was Sharon Spitz, a play on sharing spit.
Because when I watch a show about 14-year-olds, I want to constantly be thinking about them making out. So in the season three episode Busted, Sharon is angry at everyone assuming she's 13 instead of 14. When they get that old, they can't tell the difference between 13 and 14.
Oh, crap. And blames her underdeveloped breasts. Jesse looks up cautiously. What are you doing?
So Sharon does what any girl her age would do. If she was written by people who've had their computers seized by the FBI on more than one occasion, she buys a sci-fi pump-up bra, the Enhancer 3000, which the sales lady is absolutely giddy to sell her. What happens next on the episode hopefully resulted in some kind of police investigation of the show's producers. With her artificially enhanced breasts, Sharon gains confidence, a date, and a whole gaggle of freaks, including her goddamn step-brother, ogling her chest without any shame or a well-deserved kick to the nuts. Unfortunately, Sharon's boob remote gets damaged, and her bra starts to expand uncontrollably until one of the cups explodes, probably giving at least two people around her a disturbing new fetish. The episode ends like it started, ickly, with Sharon kind of sort of flirting with her non-blood related step-brother. Hey, Sharon. Still gross, but better than focusing on a 14-year-old's breasts.
So we'll take it. Number one, Gargoyles, Deadly Force. Gargoyles is a story about magical creatures from the 10th century who were brought back to life in New York in the 90s and eventually befriend a spunky policewoman. It's sort of like a more mature version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if it was voiced by, like, half the cast from Star Trek, The Next Generation. God Jesus. Now, did any of that make you think that this show would be a good place for a very special episode about gun safety?
See, that's why none of you will ever have a massive coke habit.
Because not only did the show have an episode like that, it bizarrely worked really, really well. It all started with the gargoyle Broadway. Imagine a centuries-old stone demon with a personality of pizza.
Jalapeno.
In the episode Deadly Force, Broadway becomes obsessed with a gunslinger western. When he later visits his cop friend, Elisa, he picks up her gun and starts playing with it. I was playing with the gun. Until he accidentally shoots her in the back. We don't see the bullet enter Elisa's body because, come on, this is still a Disney cartoon. But the original version did show the injured Elisa lying in a puddle of her own blood. It's all pretty intense, as well as a pretty good, non-heavy-handed lesson about gun safety. Because Broadway is a medieval monster who has no idea how our world works, the episode surprisingly stays on message, calling for basic gun safety and gun education. Broadway would never have shot Elisa if he had learned about firearms from somewhere besides a stupid movie. Not to victim blame, but the whole thing was partially Elisa's fault for not storing her gun away safely. The best part of the episode is probably when a distressed Broadway goes on an anti-gun quest to take down an arms trafficker.
A new kind of gun? A new way to kill people?
But the series never lets him disappear into his own be-hole and somehow make guns themselves the villain here. Despite Broadway steaming with righteous anger, it's made clear to us that he screwed up, that he is the responsible party, and it really drives home the message that you should be careful with things you don't understand. Despite that, Deadly Force was initially pulled from rotation but was allowed back on the air after the scene of Elisa bleeding out was cut. Because the last thing Disney wants is to put something out there that could mentally scar a whole generation of children.
Thanks for watching. If you like Cannonball, I think you might like this new show we just put out called Picto Facts, the game show. If you haven't guessed yet, it's a game show hosted by me, and it involves pictures and facts. If you don't watch it, they're gonna fire me, which means I will have all the time in the world to hunt you down and make you. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_dante_s_inferno | You are watching Bleed Bloop, I'm your host Jeff Rubin, here with writer and journalist Chuck Closterman and our own Pat Cassels. Today we are playing the first game based on a 14th century Italian poem, Dante's Inferno. Second actually. Really, what's the first? Burger Diet.
Have you read Dante's Inferno? I've... Well, you know, I read it in college, but you know, to be totally honest, I probably didn't even read it then. I mean, I've of course read Dante's Inferno, so I know that it's a 14th century epic poem that's followed by the Pergidario and Paradisio. I wonder if like, sixth grade teachers, if this game's last around, they'd be like, now make sure you actually read the book and don't just play the video game. Dante's Inferno is almost notable, just because it's so difficult to read and penetrate that it's, even though it's based on something, what is the crossover? People that have really read this epic Italian poem and people that also own an Xbox 360 and are interested in a second-rate God of War ripoff.
Well, you know, I don't know if I agree with you about that. It seems to me like they could have made this game very close to the story of the book, and I don't think it would have necessarily lost anything. There were three-headed dogs, and there was like, you know, people who was like heads or clocks. There's levels. But what fun would that be? I was in Italy last year, and it's a, that's a pretty good computer rendition of what Italy kind of looks like. I was in hell recently, and that was exactly like that.
The demo of this video game has more nudity than I've ever seen in every other video game I've ever played put together. The art form's really maturing. Well, it's, oh, maybe it's art, and maybe, you know, it's, they can have nudity, you know, at the same time, it's also like, still a game, you know. This is casual artistic nudity, like, they're not at a script club or something. She happens to be naked to represent her ethereal form of booby-ness or something.
Uh-huh. It seems like at every level of design, they ask themselves, what would be the most controversial thing we could possibly do at this exact moment? Cross in a preacher's eye. Done. Do people still get upset about that? Because I just, I can't imagine somebody who's like, you know what, I'm totally cool with everything about video games, but now they've gone too far. I feel it's all or nothing. There's probably not many people who, like, let Grand Theft Auto stand, but then they were like, upside-down crosses. Now I've got a problem. Exactly. Any genre or any media that messes with the Bible, I think they can and will take a, you know, could take offense to that. I don't see what the big deal is.
I worship Bowser. I didn't complain about Mario Galaxy. Oh, right. I forgot you're Jewish.
Obviously, there are tons of games where you can kill people. There's a whole Grand Theft Auto is about stealing. What are the other big crimes you can commit? Are there any games where you can rape someone? Are there any games where you can commit arson?
I don't know that anyone's crossed the rape banner. I can't imagine it, but the best people who lose their lives. What game is rape?
It's an entire genre in Japan. Oh, well, of course. In Japan. |
dropout | friends_with_benefits_wedding | We are gathered here today to join together Raymond and Courtney as friends with Benefits an estate exalted since the first man and woman wanted to F, but not like B tied down, you know. They're both pretty busy and they don't need labels. Those are a league that shall cease. Your total lack of commitment is a ting of beauty, and as one of you inevitably grows more attached to the other, we hope that you will engage in the sacred right of passive aggression, miscommunication, and disappointment. We're so proud of you, honey. Now the couple shall exchange toothbrushes. Mmm, hope you don't mind if I leave, so shit that you'll leave. Boy, I may tell you now.
If anyone can show just cause why these two may not be lawfully nothing in particular, drink now, or it won't really matter either way. Wait!
I'm also a friend with benefits. In the eyes of God in the law, that is totally fine, not even a big deal. Right? I'm also more than a friend. And Jesus saith unto Matthew, it's cool, bro, she can do whatever she wants. Yeah, I'm a friend with benefits too. Me too.
She was curious. It wasn't set, but it was close. Like a wet snuggle.
Oh, shut up! How can you do this to me? Dude, what? I thought that was the point. Oh, I'm sorry. I can't go through with this. Oh my God! Ladies and gentlemen, please, the ceremony can be over. When a couple enters the holy state of fucked buddies. |
Fitzthistlewits | the_great_gatsby_review | The Great Gatsby is a book by F. Scott Fitzgerald. It's all about unrequited love, and the prohibition, and ennui, and shit. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Hey, Fitz, baby, I don't give a shit about any of this!
I want video games! Give me video games, you mumbling, effeminate English prick! Well, first of all, calm down. Second of all, that hurt my feelings. Third of all, this all ties into video games. You see, F. Scott Fitzgerald's wife was called Zelda, huh? Shigeru Miyamoto, he saw that, and he thought, Hey, that'll be great for this game I'm making. I'll call it MegaMan. Oh, and more pertinently, there's a video game of The Great Gatsby. The game takes inspiration from chapter three of the book, when the protagonist Nick has a nervous breakdown and starts killing people with a magical hat. I didn't like the chapter, it felt out of place.
Real talk? The music is fucking brilliant in this game.
Take that, butler. Take that man doing the Charleston. Take that, flapper. You'll never get the right to vote now.
Look at Nick, walking on water. Who does he think he is? Jesus.
If there's one thing this world needs, it's more retro indie platformers. We just haven't had enough of them lately. Do you get it? It's because we have.
No, no, no, no, but it's free, it's great, there's a link below. Check it out, real fun, doesn't take itself seriously. Great music, fucking terrible, I hate this game. DDoS the website, please send a virus. |
cracked | 20s_people_watching_season_2_episode_5 | Check in with a video update of your life once a year for 10 years. You'll thank us by the end. Okay, I've already wasted my life and successes for other people. And I'll be dead in the next 10 years and nobody will ever want to watch videos of me. That should save you some time. Okay, I wrote something here. To whom it may concern.
I suck. I have a degree and good parents and absolutely no direction in life. In addition, I am also not attractive and am a loser. And I'm going to end up broke and living in a refrigerator box, so please enjoy this rare footage of me when I was indoors.
Sincerely, nobody. P.S. Who would even watch this? Who would even care? I don't even care.
Age 21. Checking in. Okay, see you next year. Seriously though, I don't get the point of this.
I hate this town and I hate the people in it. And I hate my face and I hate my body and I hate my family and I hate school and I really hate that it's almost over. And mostly I hate myself.
The same self will always be. I'm just average. I'm completely just boring and nondescript and I don't think this site is supposed to be for me. I don't think people necessarily care that today I play Tetris for six hours while simultaneously looking at porn somehow instead of knowing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.
Or how I've needed a job so I went by this restaurant that was hiring but I was too afraid to go in. I just kept walking, like always. I did a lot of walking this year.
I feel like there's this wall between me and other people and I try to make them like me. I say funny shit and they all laugh but it never really feels like there's anything coming back the other way. Everything feels the way TV feels.
Where you see people but they're all inaccessible to you. It's all this southern world that you can't actually be a part of.
You know that cartoon dog whose catchphrase is, I hate my life? You know that exercise where you try writing your own obituary and list your cheese? Yeah. You know how this is pointless and stupid and I hate it and goodbye? Oh, but one more thing.
It's not that I suck. It's that I have all the potential to not suck. But I go ahead and suck anyway, despite having every advantage. I call it the aristocrats.
And I swear to god this year felt like 10 years. And I don't know why I'm telling you but I just feel old. Just super old.
And I wish I hadn't missed my chance to be as successful and happy as everyone else. Everyone I meet. Everyone I see. Everyone that isn't me.
Fuck. What a stupid website.
Hi again. Age 23 just came back to say that you go through school and everything's always mapped out for you. But then you finish and it's just improv for the first time in your life. And I'm trying, I'm improving, which looks like the word improving but definitely isn't. I actually moved across the country this year just to get away from myself. I think she may have followed me though. Moving was way too easy. I wish I had something to lose, you know? But if I was going to be somebody, that definitely would have happened already. So I just run in place. Age 24, checking in. I wait tables and I write because I was the best writer in elementary school.
That's all I got. And I live in a shit hole. And I get unsatisfying haircuts and I'm alone as fuck. Now here's Tom with the weather. Oh and I met this girl in improv class and it's been just... I can't even believe it.
She's so smart and funny and I just wish I was good enough for someone like that. I think about asking him out but who am I? I can't imagine anyone thinking of me as attractive. Like logically, what would I contribute to another person's life? If she was interested, she'd have asked me anyway.
There's no point. Just forget it. It's just that I really like him and I know I'll never meet someone that good again. I just feel like that's it. I lost my one chance at something. And I'm completely alone in being this alone.
Because, you know, I hear stories about people who are exactly like me except they met someone anyway and they're super happy. And, you know, when you laugh to keep from crying, yeah, that. You know how your parents were younger than you when they met? You know that song that's like, I miss the comfort in being sad?
And now I'm 25 and things have been going alright. I was in LA for some meetings this week and they want to start me on a new show that's happening soon. Because apparently you can get a job. You can informally make vital connections. Apparently you take the bus for long enough and eventually you're the bus driver.
But it's always a surprise because nobody tells you shit. Everything's a fucking giant hedge maze.
Like how is there not a textbook? A textbook to like life?
My brother had to explain taxes to me using action figures in Play-Doh. And as much as Cobra Commander is an accurate metaphor for the government, I feel like I still lack a nuanced understanding of the social contract. And how to fucking manage without just going crazy. And how to actually be the kind of person who people don't have to pretend to care about.
Where's the manual? I just don't know how people know anything, you know? I don't know.
I know that I sort of randomly don't expect to live past age 30. And sometimes it's hard to get out of bed. I seriously need to man up.
I've heard about depression or whatever, but I don't have some kind of condition. I'm not depressed. I just really don't like myself. I'm not different. I'm just not trying hard enough to fit in. I'm not addicted. I just do it a lot. I don't have OCD. I'm just crazy. I'm not homeless. I'm just couch surfing. I wasn't sexually assaulted. It was just a weird situation. I'm not gay. I just have this bad habit. I don't have anxiety. I just suck. I mean, I'm not... I don't want to hurt myself. It's just something people think about.
I'm not an adult or even a fucking person, but I was supposed to be one by now, and I'm really not enjoying these updates. I'll be 30 shockingly soon, but still no sign of adulthood. I have super well-developed taste, though.
Possibly to distract from that, ask me about my 50 favorite action movies. Ask me about my favorite bars and drinks and mistakes, and... Ask me about my favorite people, none of whom I've actually met. Ask me about my favorite musicians, who'd achieved everything by this age, or the ones who didn't get any older.
And you can sort of understand because right now it feels like everything's building to something, and it's way too late to be someone else. And this is like one of those motion-sensing camera traps, but it detects aliens. All I do is bother people, and it just feels like nothing is ever gonna change. Shit.
I just randomly thought about this site, and I can't believe it still exists. Oh, wow. I skipped a few years there, but it's actually been 10 years since I first did this. I used to hate this site. Sitting here now, being made to think about the last 10 years, I hardly even know where to start. There's so much I didn't know. I looked back and I didn't even know what depression was.
Or mental illness. Or love. Or speed metal. Holy fuck. It's hard to even imagine now.
Because you can only look back in time, but then you start to see the point in all this recording we're doing. How so much of ourselves is on video, because there's nothing like video to be reminded of how you were feeling. And I've watched a lot of video. And the first thing you realize is all that you couldn't have known. I remember how the bad years seemed to last forever, but back then, each year was a way bigger percentage of your life. And it's not that you were incomplete, it's that you were exactly as worthy as you are now, but without the ability to see it. But hopefully someone will see this and it'll be at least a little like looking forwards in time.
So, hi. You know how you're young and unsure and you're not who you want to be yet, so you don't think you deserve love or respect? Well, you do. If anyone does, it's you.
You know how you think there's youth and there's adulthood and you're just failing to make the transition? I know you feel that, but you can't know what adulthood is supposed to look like because it's never been now before. The century has never happened before, it's all new.
You know how we compare ourselves to everyone? We're not all playing the same video game, though. We're playing seven billion different ones and it's impossible to compare.
And I won't lie. You may not find a place where you fit in, but what you can do is create your own place. It's not easy, but one day someone else will feel like they belong because of what you've made. And you would never trade that for anything. You think you're stuck, but maybe your life is like a tree growing up through a fence. Oh, that's just giving me a song idea. I'll see you next year. And I'm so glad if I can save anyone having to wait ten years to learn that what's real is the place where you know you matter and if you ever find yourself in another place, just know that you'll get back there again and you'll know that people care about you because they do. I don't even know you and I care about you. Nothing will evolve you as much as when you start to figure out just how much people need each other.
It's not that it gets better. I mean, historically, it kind of does, but it's more like you get better.
Gradually, at the job of being human, you get the time to actually figure shit out and one day you'll look at young people who can only see failure and shame in themselves and all you'll see is their potential. One day you'll remember how it was to be young and you'll be on here recording videos of yourself until 5 a.m. because you can't see the point of not describing your life. One day you might see the point in a lot of stuff, despite how imperfect your life will always be, you just haven't been old enough to feel that way yet. One day you'll look up and you'll have built something. One day you might decide that the point of life is to get older and then help other people get older. One day you might know what to say about being in your 20s. |
dropout | deceptive_deceptions | Did the Vatican suppress the fact that Jesus and Mary Magdalene together had a dog? Was Princess Diana really killed in the Challenger space shuttle disaster? Is the Loch Ness Monster actually a descendant of Jesus' magic dog? Did the Twin Towers really ever exist?
The clues are everywhere if one chooses to make stabs in the darkness. You are the shadowy elite that tell the lies which the rest of humanity believes. They are more powerful than the government, than even the Freemasons and the Illuminati. Their all-seeing eye watches you with your technology, from your money, and your reflective surfaces. It is these eyes whom the late Tupac Shakur refers to in the title of his album, or Eyes on Me.
He caught their attention when he sang the words, Vice President Quayle, eat a dick up. Three years later, he was murdered, but not before appearing in the 1991 film, Nothing But Trouble with John Candy and Dan Aykroyd. The same Dan Aykroyd who starred in Candy Shack 2 with Jackie Mason. Mason. Free Mason.
A regular on the Cold War era Ed Sullivan show that launched the career of the Beatles. Featuring the bassist Paul McCartney whose death was covered up in 1966 to be replaced with a doppelganger who composed the song, Helter Skelter, in order to possess Charles Manson with the spirit of the Antichrist. Adolf Hitler, a cyber-ganic demon created by the same Nazi scientists who would later be hired to form the fake agency called NASA, which was necessary to keep the public believing that space travel was something new. When non-Free Mason president John F. Kennedy declared that we should put a man on the moon within nine years, he unknowingly enraged the powerful lead, prompting his own Tupac-esque assassination, later explored in the film JFK, which also featured John Candy. And so the Apollo landings were faked by NASA, so as not to reveal the truth that the moon is nothing more than a prehistoric hologram which has always shielded mankind's eyes from the enormous star craft behind it. The elite produced the film Close Encounters of the Third Kind, which forever connected the UFO cover-ups with Hollywood fiction in the mind of the public. The movie was filmed in the state of Wyoming, at the time controlled by Congressman Dick Cheney, who, with his brethren, dictated the actions of the pentagram union of powerful corporations that control your world, tentacles of the same beast whose eyes are everywhere, all seeing like the pagan owl on our dollar bill, and in our culture, knowing all information, receiving us with lies, all of mankind, the playthings of these unseen puppet masters, for all eternity. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Crazy_Rich_Asians | Don't you want to see where I grew up, meet my family, my alma, and meet up with that strange college roommate of yours? Take Lynn. She has been begging me to come visit her, you know.
The universe has spoken. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today, I'll be reviewing Crazy Rich Asians, a pioneering romantic drama adapted from Kevin Kwan's best-selling novel, and a film that bravely explores the theme of mental health in affluent Asian communities, sending the powerful message that these people may be fabulously wealthy, they may be of Asian descent, and yes, they may be stigmatized as crazy due to their psychological disorders, but at the end of the day, they're just like us. The film follows Chinese-American economics professor Rachel Chu as she travels to Singapore to meet the family of her boyfriend, Nick Young, on a trip in which she will discover that not only does the Young family operate an extremely successful real estate empire, but they also suffer from a long history of mental illness. Initially, when Rachel asks Nick about this, he is, of course, evasive. For too many years, one could be rich, crazy, or Asian, but never all three at once. Yet over the course of the film, Rachel, alongside the viewer, learns to open her mind, all the while teaching Nick to realize that having various neuroses and coming from a well-to-do Asian background shouldn't be a source of shame, but rather of pride. This theme of embracing one's identity as wealthy, Asian, and psychologically troubled is evidenced in the film's title, which reappropriates the once derogatory label Crazy Rich Asians, spinning it as a term for strength and solidarity. To his credit, director John M. Chu never sugarcoats the harrowing realities of Crazy Rich Asians, showing in uncompromising terms the lavish parties they throw, their wealth tragically enabling them to enact the grandiose visions that continually haunt them. Indeed, thanks to the sensitive approach of the filmmakers, anyone acquainted with the DSM-V diagnostic manual can see that Nick's mother, Eleanor, clearly has a textbook case of paranoid personality disorder as seen in her pathological mistrust of Rachel and repeated attempts to sabotage any endeavors to marry into the young family. And yet, despite this, the viewer never overlooks the deep underlying humanity. Ultimately, Crazy Rich Asians serves as a stirring call to arms for viewers to open their hearts to the humanity of extravagantly moneyed Asians with mental illness. Indeed, the film bravely continues the tradition of past trailblazing works, from crazy stupid loves, depiction of the intimate relationships of low-IQ simpletons who also struggle with mental problems, to it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world, which shines a light on the global failure to treat mental illness.
For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_action_dolls_action_figures_saturday_night_live | Having trouble finding a gift for that someone special? Well, how about Saturday Night Live cast dolls? Yes, now you can have your own cast party with these life-like adult action toys.
Hey, did Anne come to the party with Gilly? No, it's up to you. Is that Denny passed out on the couch? That's right, she's had too much to drink. Look, there's Joe boogying with Gail. oh boy, Joe and Gail are really getting down. Brrring, uh-oh, it's Joe's wife on the phone. he has to go home, too bad, Joe. Yes, hey, look everybody, Anne's not wearing any panties. she never does. Or maybe she's wearing free pair, you decide. uh-oh, Gilly's gonna be sick.
Gilly, Quick, run to the bathroom, hurry up. Oh, just in time. that leaves Charlie all alone with all the women, But hey, he's not running away. he can handle that kind of action. Ta-da-da. uh-oh, that could be the police. maybe Charlie has to get rid of all his expensive drugs. Look out, Charlie, Quick to the bathroom. Run, run, Gilly's in the way. All right, get him in the bathroom, Quick. Whoo, that was just in time. What's that? it's just Joe at the door and he wasn't the police at all and he forgot his wallet. Oh, Charlie is furious. Don't fight, fellas. sound like fun, you bet. They're the Saturday Night Live Action dolls, action accessories and action Apartment not included. Ta-da-da-da. |
dropout | coffee_town_uncensored_trailer | You know what I was thinking about last night being straight is gay I mean, how gay is it being attracted to a woman all pink and perfumey? You know, it's like, ooh, I like girls I want to rub it up against girls My name is Will and this is my office Coffee Town you're sleeping.
No, not This is Sam.
He sees people like us as parasites squatters and his house of free Wi-Fi then Willetin's a gun to George Did I spell that right you just drew a penis But the best part of having a coffee shop is your office is your friends can come hang out whenever they want Calm down the safety's on Now the safety's off Here comes your girl As we get pumped up gets in vain showing right Oh make myself look bigger I Have some bad news on the whole coffee town front. They are converting to a bistro lounge I'm gonna lose everything my office my girl all the things you don't actually have We're out this place The executives think this is a bad neighborhood they won't convert the store So I'm gonna do it. Just grab all the cash. All right, you make it sound like fuck I want to be a thug. I didn't load up my iPhone with Kanye just so I could go jogging Oh crap, the one with Rihanna's on that one is for jogging. Okay, great That's the way my passion stirs stirs for you it stirs me that's all that I can Bitch You want to be straight jump up another guy that that's straight |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Angela_White_the_Meryl_Streep_of_P_rn_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE | Breathe it in baby.
You have entered my realm a realm of cinema movies and film This is the last video store and I am it's servant Alexi toliopoulos the clerk of the last video store and Entering this realm to discuss film cinema and their favorite movies with me We have got a really exciting guest. I'm so stoked to have in the store Angela white now Angela white is one of the biggest porn stars in the world Synonymous with adult films and I mean it's a true honor to have Angela white in She is an AV and Hall of Famer and was the first porn actor adult video performer to win performer of the year three times in a row so The bona fides are high the power is real Angela white is an icon I'm stoked to chat to her and I'll say this This is why I think she's also such a perfect guest for this show in particular in the way that this film looks at film at cinema When we think about the video store Obviously, there's a huge section of the video store and in our minds of what the video store was like and that belongs to Adult films adult cinema pornography behind that beaded curtain that we always talk about and you know in this store a lot of those movies Angela white is in in this This store in particular, but I'd say this When it came to video stores when it came to physical media when it came to home video experiences pornography and adult films is what always pushed the technology forward and pushed What we wanted and what formats won that home video wars, that's why VHS beat Betamax because porn went to VHS It's why DVD became so monolithic for such a long time because that is where pornography went And when we look at it right now Streaming what went to streaming first? Yes home Erotica that is where it began So Who better to join us in the last video store then one of the biggest most celebrated adult film stars in the world? I am stoked and so excited to talk to Angela white and get into what her rental combo is We're talking one new release film. That's any film from the last five years or so That's our big new release section Then we're gonna talk about two weeklies two of her favorite classic films ever films that mean a lot to her Films that struck her in a certain way and then I'm gonna use that information And through my conversation of her and the great deal of empathy that I have held within my heart To come up with the customized bespoke perfect film Recommendation for her to continue her journey into cinema. Let's get into it. Here's me Angela white Angela White thank you so much for joining me here in the last video store. I'm very excited to talk to you here today I'm very excited to be here. Thanks for having me. Hey, it's my pleasure It's my pleasure to have you in the store picking out some films But I'm gonna have to sign you up to our system first Okay, so I'm gonna ask you a couple of questions. I need your name for the record Angela white Okay, I'm popping it in I'm gonna need a piece of ID But as soon as I put you into our system I Only one we only need one piece of ID But I put you into our system and it looks like you might have more films in our store than anybody else They're all in one section behind our beaded curtain area my favorite area And I want to ask you you've got this great quote that comes up here from a deadly beast We did where they call you the male street perform Yeah, how's it feel to get that title have that quote about you It has to be right absolutely and it's an honor to have been recognized for my work Yeah, especially like compared to one of the great actresses award-winning your award-winning Performer that's why they called you that because you won more.
Is it three times in a row? Yeah for female performers the year. I'm the only female to have won that three times and consecutively So it must be like great to be recognized by your peers and like your colleagues.
Yeah, it's amazing Yeah I think one thing I want to ask you about this because I find it so interesting Like the idea of performance in pornography because it's you know, it's obviously it's a lot of hard work But I'm interested to you. Like what are your thoughts on the idea of performance? Well, here's the thing My aim in every scene is to have as little performance as possible to be real for it to be as authentic As it can be now, obviously if there's a camera involved there is going to be a little bit of artifice But my aim especially when I'm directing and producing myself is to make it feel like You're having the same kind of sex you would at home But that I can't do that on every set because there are On some sets you have scripts and it's far more heavily directed and some directors Want to tell you which position to be in at all times and when to orgasm and that's not really conducive to Authentic connection Exactly, so, I mean for me it would be more like I want to create Documentaries like all live-action sport, you know I want I want I want the people to be fucking like I want to have sex with my on-screen partner as if the cameras Weren't there. Is it like spontaneity? Is that we're trying to capture as well. That's what I want because I feel like Creating that space for spontaneity. That's where the real magic happens and creating that space and an environment where You're on screen performers can really connect I Feel like that resonates through the screen and I feel like that's what consumers want to see or at least I'll speak for myself As a porn consumer, I want to see two people having really great passionate connected sex Okay, I mean as one of the few male podcasters that have actually had sex I think that's probably what I'm after as well like that's you want that intimacy you want that I guess it is like that naturalism, right? Yes, exactly How what do you have to do to like set that up or like is there a process that you have to go to? To like find that like I guess that intimacy It's it starts from the ground up. So You're picking your talent very specifically because there are performers in the industry that are better at getting to that place of Vulnerability so choosing partners that you already have a genuine connection. We have really real chemistry Absolutely, and then creating an environment where they feel safe and comfortable then Making sure things aren't heavily scripted.
I mean, it's great. I shoot some heavily scripted porn and I have a lot of fun with that It's just a different kind of product in the end So when I'm shooting my favorite stuff to direct is called Gonzo which comes from Gonzo journalism You break the fourth wall you acknowledge that the cameras there but Gonzo as a term has kind of Expanded in pornography. It's not just that old-school sort of breaking the fourth wall Gonzo's sort of become erroneously, I guess an umbrella term for all sex scenes So all sex releases no scripts. Oh, okay. Yes, it would be no scenarios No scenario at all. There might be a little tease in the beginning So the the female performer if it's heterosexual porn might be wearing lingerie and do a little dance to the camera But there won't be any kind of the plumber turns up and you've got to find a way to pay none of that So the little tease gets filmed and then once the performers are on set together Just fuck how you want to fuck. Wow. Okay, so that's that's my favorite. So it's no like minimal planning Exactly, exactly.
I mean Because it is a production there is still things that happen behind the scenes that the audience doesn't see obviously You still have to go through compliance and you have to prove that everyone's over the age of 18 you have to fill out Model releases consent forms you go through a boundary checklist So there's still a lot of things that go on behind the scenes, but once everyone knows Your partner's hard nose. Yes is what they like what they dislike what they want to do on that day then within those boundaries Then do whatever you want in the moment And that's what I think creates the most spontaneity Yeah saying and the most genuine chemistry can't ask you're talking about as well like the Scripted pornography When it comes to like acting in those is it like a process you go to use like an acting coach? Do you like that? Should you try to get into a character? Like how does that work? It's less yourself Yeah, it really depends on the project the director what company you're shooting for So for example now I'm contracted with the biggest porn company in the world browsers and they do Saying so we do scenes which is you know one complete product, but it's just one sex scene Yeah, and then they're not really doing a lot of movies They're really just focusing on those one scenes and a lot of what they do is very Campy and funny.
They're really focused with the artifice. Yes Yeah, absolutely, and I love those because you kind of get to lean into that that those tropes I like those pawn trips like the piece of pizza delivery guy turns up and you have no money to pay Oh, no, what's what are you gonna do? Here's a big sausage pizza, but So for those There's no real need I guess. Well, I mean you could argue there.
There's always Like training yourself in acting is always gonna benefit you but it the fact that it's kind of cringy and campy makes it Yeah, does it make fun for you like to go into that goofy? Absolutely, absolutely It's fun and it's it's fun for me to be able to mix it up Depending like doing the same thing every day would bore me as well So having these these different kinds of things that I shoot is a lot of fun But I have shot feature-length films Yeah in porn and I did end up winning best leading actress for my role in perspective Congratulations. Can you tell us about perspective? Yeah, it was a really tough role because I played I basically played two different people because perspective it was basically a woman in an abusive relationship and one half of the movie is told from the perspective of The woman and then the other half of the perspective is the male perspective.
Oh, wow. So it's it was that's like new wave shit That's cool.
So I had to play so in in one version. I'm the villain and in one version I'm the victim.
So I actually did hire an ex an acting coach for that Yeah, and another movie that I did drive which was similarly quite Intense. I had a different acting coach. So I got two different styles of coaching, but it's not it's not required for porn But I'm always somebody that likes to I like to learn new things. You like to overachieve Yeah, I do. I like to hone in my craft I really wanted to do a great job on those on those movies and perspective was the one that I did Win best actress for and I'm very proud of that. Yeah, of course, you should be proud of that Can I ask like what were the lessons you took in from like acting to go into that film?
Like what was there any specific? Examples.
Yeah, the thing that I learned I learned a lot of things but how I benefited the most because I've always been this person If people have watched other interviews, you know, I just loved on so I just want to yeah have real connection But what was what was really interesting was when you get really deep into a character that is nothing like you and Then trying to have sex as that character you get you have sex in a different way, too Really? And yeah, you absolutely so it's I Learned a lot more about sex because this whole journey has been about me expressing and exploring my sexuality in a way It's kind of selfish. It's like I want all that but having sex as someone else was really eye-opening to be like, okay Like it can feel different you connect with someone differently when you're a different person or at least you're embodying a different character Wow, what do you mean?
Like what what were you noticing? Well, there was one of the things was really tough for me because okay, so in when we're doing the perspective of the victim and there was a moment where I'm having sex with somebody but it's sort of it was it was so tough because it was kind of non-consensual, but we're also creating a Product that's supposed to be sexy That was the hardest one for me mentally because I'm like, how can I make this sort of same obviously consensual non-consent It was a it was a consensual scene. But how do you find that line? It was a how do I find that line where I'm like Kind of in enjoying it enough so that the audience can get off to it But also portraying this moment where I'm having sex I'm having sex with my husband, but it's sort of a little coercive and I'm just trying to do it So he doesn't you know, like retaliate that was Really tough for me.
That was a real head fuck as well and then I guess When I was playing the the villain like using sex as a weapon was it kind of cool to like play that Like the villainy of I love playing the villain. Yeah, I love it Yeah, the victims hard for me because I don't feel victimized at all in my sexuality. It's more of a stretch It's much more of a stretch because it's I guess it's about like the control right? Yeah, but being the villain I Villain I also love I'm doing femdom stuff as well. I love being in control. It's actually not part of my Personal sexuality, but the performative aspect There's something very fun about having a man on his knees and him groveling and you Okay, I'm being sit down Very very fun about that.
Yeah far out and I'll say this I've read lots of interviews of the actual male stream She never said any shit like this.
I think what a deeper insight than she does now Deep inside you can take that Well, I'm gonna send you out you're all checked in here I'm gonna see you had to pick a couple of films I'm gonna get you to go into our new rental combo one new release which is any move from the last five years Stretch that we stretch what a new releases Yeah, and then two weeklies and I'm gonna supply you with a little stop pick at the end. Okay, great You Release all right. So Angela, we've got your combo sitting in front of us Let's start with our new release for our new release section and I'll tell you this if I was gonna categorize this by genre this Film to me. This was an instant classic one of my favorite frickin movies in the last ten years I've seen it so many times I would put this in the cult section Which is why I put the movies I think have you know catered to a little audience around them. Tell me about what your first new release film is Cult uncut gems by Josh and Benny Safi Starring my one of my actual heroes Adam Sandler. When did you first come across this movie?
Did you see in the cinema? I did see it in the cinemas in LA because you play in Australia at all Oh No On Netflix. Oh, I actually did see a screener. Someone sent me an Academy screen. I couldn't watch It was great seeing it at the cinema.
Yeah, because it's such a stressful movie. I was stressed the entire time I was on the edge of my seat like I was actually gripping the seat I was so stressed. My heart was clenched. My chest was just Yeah, I could barely breathe It's actually quite awful It's a wonderful big bed Have you seen it since or was that a one-and-done you can't handle it again.
I would watch it again I would I'd be I'd want to watch it again with someone who hasn't watched it Oh, wow. I just want to feel what they're feeling because it was so wonderful to what wonderful and horrible to watch it the first time it was I was completely captivated and The truth is I don't watch a lot of movies or TV shows and it's only because I'm Obsessed with my job and I work so hard that I'm like if I how can you switch off? Yeah, I actually it would probably be beneficial for me to watch more film So I'm I'm really I I love the idea that you're gonna give me Something at the end.
Yeah, thank God. I can hopefully switch you all I'll have to let you know. Yeah, I'll give you millions of recommendations. That's what you need.
I need you to relax Yeah, I would love that but this was this movie was just an incredible movie from from start to finish There wasn't one point where I was bored. Is this the kind of movie that you often? Get into like that kind of like stressful crime II type through a lot Wow So no, please completely this is not the kind of movie that I would normally want to watch or pick out But I watched it and was taken by it. Yeah, I really really love this movie I'd seen before this the sappy brothers have made two films before this. Oh, they'd made more than two films I had seen their two previous two films, which is heaven knows what which is like a great another gritty urban, New York underbelly type film it's about heroin addicts in New York City Kind of like live in parks and it's like they what they do from that onto their next film Which is good times like Rob Pattinson. Have you seen that? Oh my gosh, you will love it another similarly very tense crime thriller Rob Pattinson completely transforms into this movie. He plays a Greek guy I'm Greek so I was like this is one of the best movies ever to see Rob Pattinson be Greek my god a dream Come true for me. Okay so what they what I think they really do is they find like this authenticity to like who the Surrounding characters are in New York City like in this film There are so many oddballs like so many weirdos so many strange heads, you know like do I think there's that aspect of the film that makes it feel so lived in and like Finds like this real like a very specific point in New York to do it Can I ask you when we talk about performance when I was re watching this movie just last night.
I Found it freaking insane that Adam Sandler did not win an Oscar Oh, no, I'm watching I go This is one of the best performances I've ever seen in a movie Even under I underrated that after saying the same thing years ago going back to I think it's amazing What do you think about Sandler in this film? I thought it was brilliant. Yeah. Yeah, I thought it was fantastic Do you like Sandler? Do you like this comedy stuff? I think it's hilarious cuz I think it was so different so different from his other roles And I think it's good casting because what they like when you think about like what this character is Howard Ratner, I believe the name is he is I think it captures a lot of like the persona of who Adam Sandler is because Adam said like he plays like a lot of like You know crazy characters but what he does in like all his comedies is I think he's able to like Ground them into some kind of reality and this film it's like so much crazy stuff happens this guy Yeah, but because Adam Sandler you're like, you know even though this film is about a guy who basically defies fate and defies in a biblical sense defies God and Is like constantly punished for it or has to keep defying it.
You still root for him Yeah, this should be a slimy character. You should hate this guy I thought his portrayal of the character was brilliant.
Mmm. It truly is.
I just I love this movie I think great cast Julia Fox first time I ever saw her great performance as well The other thing I really love about this movie is it's got this beautiful score Like kind of captures like this cosmic this cosmic feeling of like what you see when you're looking to the opal Would you ever get one of those? Oh, would you get one of those opals that they find in the movie? Oh, what would I do with it? Would you stare into it feel inspiration like Kevin Garnett does I Don't I don't think I need if I if I had the money for an opal like that I'm not sure that that's what I would spend it on.
Okay. What about one of those gold furby bling things? So Maybe that's more realistic. Yeah, if there was any character or doll that you could turn into a gold bling, what would it be? Oh That's a great question I really I think it's one of the worst questions I've ever asked It's a it's an interesting quest. Oh, thank you. That's better. It's an interest. Sorry, my bad.
It's an interesting question Yeah, it's a weird question. Yeah, it is a weird question. You know, I don't usually use that word anymore Okay, I don't use that word because people are always like what's the weirdest thing a fan has asked or what's the weirdest? The weirdest thing was What would you have as a furby?
I'm gonna throw it back on you and ask you what you would probably it would be a DVD I would just have a lovely blinged out full-size DVD which TV or just adjust the disc No, it would be it I'd change it every day. I'd change about I would put my favorite movie my favorite me some Brandy this Sydney set film. Okay, Miranda, you're gonna have to send me a list of movies Yeah that I have to watch you would like this one. It's about teen girl that like is she's finishing high school She's about to go to university set in Sydney great movie All right, they're just like, you know, she's grew up in like the Mediterranean community in Sydney go out That's my wife on screen Sometimes the movies are pulled to another world.
Sometimes your reflective surface to see your own life. Okay. Wow, that's my wife Is that what you're drawn to movies that kind of in some way represent your life? Sometimes I would say that gets me on a deeper level though Like when I see something on my own experience ago. Oh, wow. I'm being seen I'm being represented on film Well to go back to your previous question.
I'm gonna probably just go for a dildo. Wow. Okay, perfect I feel like that is what that would be a great mantelpiece. Yeah Yeah, and that's like that's big bling if you were like a big golden dildo with encrusted diamonds, yeah, that's exciting Yeah, I feel like that would be the centerpiece Wow.
Well, how would Ratner if you're out there? Please make this happen. We have to make this piece All right, before we get onto our weekly choices. I've got another question for you.
Okay Have you ever been a member of a video store before in your life? He tell me about the first or maybe the one you grew up with yeah, I you know, I miss video stores It's always fun browsing the aisles and when you're a kid trying to look back into the Past the curtain those beads walk them away It was very exciting when I could finally go back there and see what was actually it was exciting to go back there But when you actually see what's back there, it's not. Yeah, it's like horrible video. Yeah and everything's are rated It's like you don't actually get to see really explicit stuff. It's in the video store that that I went to Yeah, yeah, is there any like other memories you had going in there any other discoveries that you made there Oh, I just remember going in and getting the lollies The lollies That was where we got all the lollies That nice stale popcorn The red frogs.
Wow red frogs. Yeah killer pythons. Wow. Okay, that nice jar. Yeah, you could pick out like ten cents for Red Fred a red red frog. I love the killer pythons. Oh, yeah Yeah, we've got to get a jar of them on here on this counter.
I don't know why we don't have one The milk bottles or the coke bottles Wow coke bottles and milk bottles. Yeah, which one do you pick? I like the coke bottles because they always had that kind of sweet and soury Yeah, I love holding on to like it like the dark of the light. I think it's one of the most aesthetic candies Yeah, there's a coke bottle. Very aesthetic. Yeah, and people don't normally like milk bottles. I love them. Milk bottles, they're okay You know what?
I hated the bananas. Oh, yeah Have you ever heard that you know, the fake banana flavor doesn't taste like banana.
No, it doesn't Do you know what that is? I learned this recently and it blew my mind Apparently like a hundred years ago.
There was a banana that tasted like that and it was a really popular banana No, it was and it was and it was and people ate it to death. Like they they ran out of that banana They extinctified it.
Thank goodness. Yeah. Well now now all we have is that crappy little Chalky candy.
It's horrible It's horrible. It's horrible. It's and I'd say textual nightmare as well.
It's like what are you a marshmallow gone hard? Thank you, okay. Well I'm glad we got I'm glad we go to the candy section. Uh, we can say candy. I say I Well, no, I mean here I say lollies, but if I say lollies in the u.s. They have no idea what I'm talking about So it's candy in the u.s. Okay.
We got a lolly section. It's a lolly section Yeah, we're not gonna panda to the u.s. Here. No, no, no, it's a lolly section Oh Weekly Well, I'm gonna go back into that beaded curtain section with you Okay because the next pick you've got we actually have to put it into that section because it features Unsimulated sex. I guess yeah, it would be back there.
We have to legally we have Fair enough and also we made a sting for adult films and we have not had a chance to use it yet We have to make our money's worth by putting that stick up in the podcast, but you've chosen Gasper knows love Adult Yeah, I loved this movie. I think the cell of this film is 3d. Yeah Unsimulated sex and it's like I guess a romantic drama. Can you tell me about when first time we saw this film? Oh I actually don't remember the first I have seen this film a couple of times. I don't see it in 3d I never saw it in 3d. No, is it worth? I mean that cum shot I feel like You see this movie in 3d you've lived it in 3d Yeah, I saw in 3d and I remember like about like probably couple minutes into the movie because it's like it's a fascinating experience to see Sex in 3d is anything 3d. It's like avatar or like some shit like that So like seeing a movie that's I guess a presentation of real life in 3d was kind of interesting and then I would say there was a part of me just in the back of my brain go like What if I'm seeing this in 3d and my brain like this part of like a primal part of my brain goes You're having sex right now. Like what would that would be so embarrassing gonna go? Well, I'm in an audience like 200 people what if they all have that what if we go crazy and I was like a whole Orgy breaks out orgy breaks out or just a few weird guys make a few scrones or something in the audience I was worried I might make a moan during it, but I thankfully I didn't I was able to check myself I realized that I was in reality in a room, but I remember seeing it at the Sydney Underground Film Festival I think it would have been the early time that it's screened in 3d in Australia And maybe it's only like film screenings as well and it was like the first film festival I ever had like part in Like helping present movies and like hosting Q&A's so this film and that experience it's very I don't know It's in place. I'm smiling think about it, which is a weird movie to be smiling No, you should be smiling thinking about this movie.
Look at that even look at the cover. I know it's a dirty cover Yeah, why did you three-way kids?
I kind of like so I found it such an interesting choice for you Really well, you know, we're using the way to just think interchangeably now It was hot. Yeah, I actually really like gritty films that deal with sexual topics surprise surprise I loved the portrayal of sex in this film I think it's it's different from what I'm usually portraying in porn. I thought it was incredibly erotic I loved watching her jerk him off on the bed. I thought that was just it's one of Cinnamon's great special effects. I I loved that Yeah, I just I thought the story was great I thought it was really engaging I just I love films that deal with dark matters and Sexuality and willing to get dirty and the sexual like power play as well how power dynamics shift in it Yeah, I thought it was really interesting. I think I can't stop looking at this cover Yeah, you can keep looking at those wetness of the tongue.
Oh, absolutely. Yeah, really?
You see those spittle lines. We love we love that in porn too. Oh, wow We like to get a backlight do like a really sloppy blowjob and the backlight like comes through all the spit Looks great. Is there a special technique to make that line happen? Yes There is deep-throating is the first thing because then you get that really sticky spit from the back of your throat True stuff Holding the dick down in the for as long as possible. Yeah, you can really get it out Oh, it is so much different from the spit sitting in the front of your mouth and I've always said that right Yeah, I've always it kind of it's so like the viscosity It's like it's so stretchy and thick but you can kind of come off the dick and have this long You're still connected to the dick.
Wow, that's it That's the intimacy the connection never ends and then if you're struggling the dry mouth spray if you've ever used What's dry mouth spray? It's biotin So it's like so you can get like biotin mouthwatch with mouthwash, which is for dry mouth They make a spray. Whoa, so you spray that in and it produces more saliva. Oh my god I'm going to produce your own you can spray that in wow They also have little lollies for that as well But I prefer the spray if you think someone's going to first date and they want that magic movie kiss Well, it's just that little spittle line. Should they spray that just before going in for it? Maybe just once you don't you don't want the kiss to be too wet either. I feel like there's a very There's a line like you don't want it dry, but you don't want it super sloppy You don't want drool you don't want to drown your partner in your spirit I think just a little bit of nice and then answer if you will exactly and that and that That spray is like minty fresh as well. Oh really had dinner, you know a little spray little yeah You can you can sneak a bar.
Yeah One in case we haven't seen this movie as well and maybe give a little plot synopsis It's about an American who lives in Paris and he's in like a highly sexually charged and emotional relationship with this woman and then there's like a third person enters the Relationship and it's kind of like the way power dynamics change the way that emotional Aspect works to sex. Can I ask you like did this film having unsimulated sex? Effect your viewing at all. Did it like enhance the viewing what it was it enhanced it for me I don't think it was a distraction. I think that it was it played into the storyline. It wasn't just sex for sex sake Which I quite like sex for sex sake.
Thank you Yeah, all these kids are saying sexy and should not be in movies I think every movie should have one sexy no matter what the movie is. I don't want to see the fluttering curtains I want to see how these characters would fuck each other.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Okay.
Thank you Can I say did it I can't ask did this?
Inspire you at all like to go to like what you want to see a direction porn go into a direction mainstream See no one to go or something you want to do it. It inspired me in like Okay, so we have kind of certain positions in porn that we kind of hit in every scene, which is great I mean these positions open you up to the light you get to see the penetration They're beautifully aesthetic. They're aesthetic and they're a lot of the times They're classic positions that people will do at home missionary doggy, you know riding So we we hit those positions, but seeing like the way she jerked him off. For example going back to that. That's not how That's not the way you would jerk someone off in a porno and for me It just got me thinking like okay, what different ways like what different positions?
In my own work When you see that scene it's not like it's aesthetically beautiful because it is capturing the reality. Yeah Yeah, wow, and it's beautiful. The 3d cum shot must be seen.
We'll say that. Yeah Fantastic Really captured like that's one of those movies like you were saying like that kind of like, you know Seem like your life. So it's very like Wow This is all the memories from that that's the You know this this movie it was hard It was a hard pick for me because I also I don't know if you've seen Lars one tree as an infomania Of course, I've seen it parts one and parts two. I part one for me That was a very a bit of a mirror a bit. Yeah Like definitely like that Yeah, that raw expression of sexuality Hot. Yeah. Yeah, I really liked that movie Do you have any like favorite sex scenes in films so a bit of a question to spring on you? But it came to me just now Exactly sex but that joking off. I don't know what that's the means like yeah Well, there was that a quite liked the sort of gangbang was in the nymphomaniac Three guys that she had sex with in that one thing. I think it was like yeah That was a I'm gonna have to rewatch it. But that was a really good. That's your homework. You have to rewatch them I get that's not a problem.
Yeah, what's your favorite sex scene? Cuz that's another thing in the list Movies to watch. I also want you to give me the best sex scene.
Okay. Wow. Okay one that came to mind straightaway was Okay, I'll give you a comedic one that I think is really funny okay the sex scene in MacGruber have you seen MacGruber? It's Will Forte.
It's like a parody on MacGyver SNL movie, but then it becomes like a parody of like 80s action excess films. Oh There's a sex scene with him and Kristen Wiig where they're just sweating crazy Like it's and it's sweating his and up. So they're just dripping on each other the whole time I just think that's like such a funny sex. I don't think that's amped up on porn Sometimes that is literally happening. I'm being drenched like rained on. Well, maybe that's why that you have another experience I got like wow, that's real And then there's another one that I haven't seen this move like gosh, probably like nearly 20 years now But it's like a coming-of-age film by Bernardo Bertolucci called stealing beauty with Liv Tyler and she like goes to Italy for like a summer kind of thing and then she Like loses her virginity and it's like in this like barnyard, but there's something about it it's like it captures the romance of like losing your virginity, but also the There's a reality to it and stuff. It's like not as romantic But it's just like there's something about that that scene always stuck with me I think I've only seen it once but I was like, that's a really interesting sex scene where it was like there's Purpose and performance in it and like to capture the story and then we'll talk about Italian sex scenes You can't go past frickin call me by your name like this love and sex scenes in that are just so beautiful I'm gonna be catching up on a lot of movie watching Wow.
Well someone in call me by your name. They do Ejaculate onto a peach and eat it. So very special. Yeah, the only movie that happens in more mainstream movie I've definitely done I did a birthday scene where I had someone ejaculate onto a cupcake and I ate that Wow. Okay Yeah, well, hopefully that's the next movie Yeah, it was nice to add a little saltiness to the sweetness, which I love a little savory.
No All right, we've got your final pick it is Another I'll put this in the cult section as well You've got some cult hits here and this is a movie that I so strongly associate with the video store era that I grew up in you've got Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller's sin city Cult hey tell about discovering this movie. I Just loved the cinematography the graphics. I just Yeah, everything about this movie the way it was shot the black and white and the little color moments I just thought it was a great film and it is it's got its own grittiness, too Yeah, and I'd be is that artifice as well of like because it's based on a comic book graphic novel series by Frank Miller and I think that like Adaptation kind of like well, how do we make this look and feel like a comic book? Yeah, I think it's really exciting and I it's been a long time since I've seen it But it was one of those ones where I truly just remember that poster like just there was that poster where it's like Bruce Willis has got the gun It's all these other heads in black and white like that kind of that really stark Monochrome and then there's those little bits of color in the movie But I remember I also had like one scene or guest scene directed by Quentin Tarantino I've never seen anything like that. I was like I gotta see this thing.
It's a whack movie Did you ever see a sequel as well? I did I didn't like the sequel not as much Yeah, not as much the first one for me, but I've never seen a sequel. So okay, I'm gonna take your non recommendation I'm just gonna stick. Look, it might be worth watching For me the first one was the best one.
Yeah. Yeah, I really I mean, can I ask you?
Do you like that one thing about this that I find interesting? It's like that idea of an artificial city kind of thing Do you like the fictional aspect or something more in line with like uncut gems? I think is very much in a reality set city I mean, I liked I like both for different reasons.
I just there was something I feel like this movie I mean I could be wrong I'm not a movie buff But I felt like it was so unique like I've never seen Graphics like this in a movie and if it existed before that I just missed it This is the one that like more to that kind of yeah, and I just I just found it so Intriguing and so visually appealing and aesthetic I loved like the rain like everything about it was just I don't know. I just I loved the way it looked and then I liked the story as well It's been a while since I watched it because it's like they're segmented stories Yeah, it's like multiple things and they all kind of like interweaved at some point Yeah, and I think as well like the other thing I really dug about this film is Where they try to make the actors look like comic book characters for a little bit like Mickey Rourke They put him under all this prosthetics. Yeah, and I just I found that such a fun way to transform Something into a comic movie because it's just like right on the cusp is when there's so many films about comics And then the superhero movies like coming around this time so many moves that comics But they just were not doing anything interesting with that. But this was just like how do we make it feel like you're in a comic book I only just thought of this as you were speaking. I was like cuz it's that like that neo-noir Look and I was like I wonder if part of the reason I loved this film so much was because I watched so much Noir and like old movies with my grandpa. Oh my god, like Humphrey Bogart Wow Cuz it's like that but for you for your generation I love those Humphrey Bogart like the big sleeve Maltese Falcon even like we would watch We would watch so many old movies so many old black and white movies me and my grandpa like he loved Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers So we watched a lot of like old musicals and Yeah, it was it's I can't believe I just only made this Connection that's what we're here for in the store to make those connections.
That's great. I love that you love know what classic Yeah, yeah, would you ever do anything in that space? Would you want to do something like that too?
I wonder how it would Translate into sex though in terms of I'm thinking about like Visually seeing the penetration when you've got such like the contrast and the lighting Mmm, a lot of people because there there was a film in the last couple of years that was released in black and white like a porn film really and it was well received and it actually did win some awards, but the fan criticism of it was that it didn't it didn't like Because they couldn't see the flesh tone It felt like they couldn't put themselves in it as much like there's something about seeing the flesh In porn that makes it more visceral or real or I don't know. It must be like that thing going Well, that's how I see it. So that's how it must be like the primal type thing that goes through your eyes Yeah, well, that's one of the reasons that POV porn films are so popular because you know, it's really from the viewers angle and they're looking down and seeing Their penis. Yeah doing the fucking so Now that would be crazy You really are looking down So maybe I If I did it, it would be more of like a passion project I wanted to do not necessarily like the fans might not Yeah, I mean, I like the sound of it. I think that sounds cool I'd love to play a character like that because that's it's kind of campy in its own way to the way they sort of and it Is sexy like that femme fatale aspect of all all that kind of like steaminess and that like very You know the intense flirtatious dialogue in those Villains, of course, you have to be you would have to be well, you know Chinatown's one of my favorite like noir films vagina town.
There you go. There we go.
You got it I just want to accredit saying special story by something like that Well, we've come time for your stuff big recommendation. Oh, yes excited for this I'm really excited for this because it I was I was actually because it's like such a nice List of films that you've got and I was trying to go. Well, what is like the connective tissue between them? I think the war is like an aspect to it, but maybe more in like that kind of crime sense So it's like trying to I really I really put myself in like just going like what is this something that can tie these together? I Pick it is the directorial debut of the Wachowski sisters before they blew up the whole world with the matrix It is the 1996 film Crime so let me tell you a little bit about bound It is that kind of classic steamy noir full of double-crossing lovers a bag full of two million dollars In cash stolen from the mafia, but the neo-noir twist here is our lead is not Humphrey Bogart but Gina Gershon as a tough female ex-convict that begins an affair with a Seductive girlfriend of a mafioso and I'd say this interestingly the film has been praised for its depiction of lesbian sex especially for that era 1996 and to choreograph those things that were chow skis collaborated with sex educator Suzy bright Basically forming the prototype for the now much more common onset job of intimacy coordinator Yeah, I think you really love it. It fits in with all the stuff. We've talked about today, especially those neo-noir notes. Thank you Yeah, I'm absolutely gonna watch this and let you know what I think there's a movie they made just before they made the matrix It's what wow matrix.
So yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it Anything want to push our listeners towards oh, well, you know, the best place to find me is Angela white calm Mm-hmm, if you're an adult, I think we can link to it I don't know if you legally can but you can look it up Angela white calm But yeah, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much. It has been an absolute pleasure Thank you so much.
And um, could I grab a killer python to go? Absolutely. I mean, is that a euphemism war? But both would be great Oh My sincere thank yous to adult film superstar Angela white for joining me in the last video store Kill a python kill an episode and that is not a euphemism I'm gonna tell you we can find Angela's pics in your own home uncut gems is on Netflix you can watch it wherever you want But I'd also say this the copy that we have in the store is that beautiful criterion collection 4k UHD which I highly recommend you can find sin city and Love on video on demand for rent and my recommendation to her was bound by Wachowski sisters It is on Stan available for you to watch if you're a subscriber from that service or you can rent it on VOD as Well, if you want to keep up with the show, you can follow us on YouTube And you can subscribe to the channel there as well You can also listen to us in podcast mode wherever you get your podcast. So follow us on Apple podcast Spotify or Whatever weird app you use you freaking freak you can use whatever app you want people use weird absolutes in the podcast Not me. I use the two mainstream ones. You're different. I'm sure of it.
You can also keep up with us on Instagram we're gonna be putting clips up on there. Sometimes a little bit of exclusive bonus features It is last video store, but tutor on Instagram and tik-tok Thank you for joining us and until next time.
I hope you do the one thing I care about most which is respecting cinema in every single form it takes including the humble DVD That deal with sexual topics surprise surprise I loved the portrayal of sex in this film I think it's it's different from what I'm usually portraying in porn. I thought it was incredibly erotic I loved watching her jerk him off on the bed. I thought that was just it's one of those cinemas great special effects I loved that Yeah, I just I thought the story was great. I thought it was really engaging. I just I love films that Deal with dark matters and Sexuality and willing to get dirty and the sexual like power play as well. How power dynamics shift in it Yeah, I thought it was really interesting. I think I can't stop looking at this cover Yeah, you can keep looking at a lot of wetness of the tongue.
Oh, absolutely. Yeah, really easy Spital wise we love we love that in porn too.
Oh, wow We want to get a backlight do like a really sloppy blowjob and the backlight light comes through all the spit looks great Is there a special technique to make that line happen? Yes There is deep throating is the first thing because then you get that really sticky spit from the back of your throat So the true stuff the truth is holding the dick down in the throat for as long as possible Yeah, you can really get it out. Oh, it is so much different from the spit I'm sitting in the front of your mouth and I've always said that right Yeah, it kind of it's so like the viscosity It's like it's so stretchy and thick so you can kind of come off the dick and have this long You're still connected to the dick.
Wow, that's it That's the intimacy the connection never ends and then if you're struggling the dry mouth spray if you've ever used What's dry mouth spray? It's biotin So it's like so you can get like biotin mouthwash with mouthwash, which is for dry mouth They make a spray. Whoa, so you spray that in and it produces more saliva You're struggling to produce your own you can spray that in they also have little lollies for that as well But I prefer the spray if you think someone's going to first date and they want that magic movie kiss Well, it's just that little spit of wine. Should they spray that just before going in for it? Maybe just one spray. You don't want the kiss to be too wet either. I feel like there's a very There's a line like you don't want it dry, but you don't want it super sloppy You don't want to drown your partner. I think just a little bit And then answer if you will exactly and that and that um, that spray is like minty fresh as well Oh really had dinner, you know a little spray little yeah, you can you can sneak a bar.
Yeah One in case we haven't seen this movie as well and maybe give a little plot synopsis It's about an American who lives in Paris and he's in like a highly sexually charged and emotional relationship with this woman and Then there's like a third person enters the relationship and it's kind of like the way power dynamics change the way that emotional Aspect works to sex. Can I ask you like did this film having unsimulated sex? Effect your viewing at all. Did it like enhance the viewing what it was it enhanced it for me I don't think it was a distraction. I think that it was it played into the storyline. It wasn't just Sex for sex sake which I quite like sex for sex sake.
Thank you Yeah, all these kids are saying sexy and should not be in movies I think every movie should have one sex. Yeah, no matter what the movie is. I don't want to see the fluttering curtains I want to see how these characters would fuck each other.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Okay.
Thank you Can I say did it I can't ask did this inspire you at all like to go To like what you want to see a direction porn going to a direction mainstream See no one to go or something you want to do it. It inspired me in like Okay, so we have kind of certain positions in porn that we kind of hit in every scene, which is great I mean these positions open you up to the light you get to see the penetration They're beautifully aesthetic their aesthetic and they're a lot of the times they're classic positions that people will do at home Missionary doggy, you know riding So we we hit those positions but seeing like the way she jerked him off. For example going back to that. That's not how That's not the way you would jerk someone off in a porno and for me It just got me thinking like okay, what different ways like what different positions can I implement in my own work?
Wow, and to capture that reality because it is when you see that scene It's not like it's aesthetically beautiful because it is capturing the reality. Yeah Yeah, wow and it's beautiful the 3d cum shot must be seen we'll say that yeah that was fantastic Really captured like that's one of those movies like you were saying like that kind of like, you know Seem like your life. So it's very like Wow It's coming up my face again. This is all the memories from that. That's the reflective surface That's it well, you know this this movie it was hard It was a hard pick for me because I also I don't know if you've seen Lars one tree is an infomania Of course, I've seen it parts one in parts two. I part one for me. That was a very a bit of a mirror a bit Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like definitely like that Yeah, that raw expression of sexuality Hot.
Yeah.
I really liked that movie. Do you have any like favorite sex scenes in films? So a bit of a question to spring on you, but it came to me just now Exactly sex but that joking off. I don't know Like yeah, or there was that I quite liked the sort of gangbang was in the nymphomaniac There was three guys that she had sex with in that one thing. I think it was like yeah That was a I'm gonna have to re-watch it. But that was a really good. That's your homework You have to re-watch Yeah, what's your favorite sex scene because that's another thing in the list Movies to watch. I also want you to give me the best sex scenes.
Okay. Wow. Okay one that came to mind straight away was Okay, I'll give you a comedic one that I think is really funny. Okay the sex scene in In MacGruber have you seen MacGruber? It's Will Forte. It's like a parody on MacGyver SNL movie but then it becomes like a parody of like 80s action excess films. Oh cool.
And There's a sex scene with him and Kristen Wiig where they're just sweating crazy Like it's and the sweating is amped up. So they're just dripping on each other the whole time I just think that's like such a funny sex scene. I don't think that's amped up on porn sets Sometimes that is literally happening. I'm being drenched like rained on.
Well, maybe that's why that you have another experience Like wow, that's real. Wow, that's a mirror And then there's another one that I haven't seen this movie for like gosh probably like nearly 20 years now But it's like a coming-of-age film by Bernardo Bertolucci called Stealing Beauty with Liv Tyler and she like goes to Italy for like a summer kind of thing and then she Like loses her virginity and it's like in this like barnyard, but there's something about it it's like it captures the romance of like losing your virginity, but also the There's a reality to it and stuff. It's like romantic not as a romantic But it's just like there's something about that that that scene always stuck with me I think I've only seen it once but I was like, that's a really interesting sex scene where it was like there's Purpose and performance in it and like to capture the story and then we'll talk about Italian sex scenes You can't go past freaking call me by your name like this love and sex scenes in that are just so beautiful I'm gonna be catching up on a lot of movie watching Wow. Well someone in call me by your name.
They do Ejaculate onto a peach and eat it. So very special. Yeah the early movie that happens in more mainstream movie I've definitely done. I did a birthday scene where I had someone ejaculate onto a cupcake and I ate that Wow. Okay Yeah, well, hopefully that's the next movie Yeah, it was nice to add a little saltiness to the sweetness, which I love a little savory.
No All right, we've got your final pick it is Another I'll put this in the cult section as well You've got some cult hits here and this is a movie that I so strongly associate with the video store era that I grew up in you've got Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller's sin city Cult hey tell about discovering this movie. I Just loved the cinematography the graphics I just Yeah, everything about this movie the way it was shot the black and white and the little color moments I just thought it was a great film and it is it's got its own grittiness, too Yeah, and I think is that artifice as well of like because it's based on a comic book graphic novel series by Frank Miller and I think that like Adaptation kind of like well, how do we make this look and feel like a comic book? Yeah, I think it's really exciting and I it's been a long time since I've seen it But it was one of those ones where I truly just remember that poster like just there was that poster where it's like Bruce Willis has got the gun It's all these other heads in black and white like that kind of that really stark Monochrome and then there's those little bits of color in the movie But I remember also had like one scene or guest scene directed by Quentin Tarantino I've never seen anything like that. I was like, I gotta see this thing.
It's a whack movie Did you ever see a sequel as well? I did I didn't like the sequel not as much Yeah, not as much. Yeah the first one for me, but I've never seen a sequel. So okay, I'm gonna take your non recommendation I'm just gonna stick. Look, it might be worth watching For me the first one was the best one.
Yeah. Yeah I really I mean can I ask you do you like that one thing about this?
I find interesting is like that idea of an artificial city kind of thing Do you like the fictional aspect or something more in line with like uncut gems? I think is very much in a reality set city I mean, I liked I like both for different reasons. I just there was something I feel like this movie I mean I could be wrong I'm not a movie buff But I felt like it was so unique like I've never seen Graphics like this in a movie and if it existed before that I just missed it Yeah, this is the one that like watches that kind of yeah, and I just I just found it. So Intriguing and so visually appealing and aesthetic I loved like the rain like everything about it was just I don't know. I just I loved the way it looked and then I liked the story as well It's been a while since I watched it because it's like those segmented stories Yeah, it's like multiple things and they all kind of like interweaved at some point Yeah, and I think as well like the other thing I really dug about this film is Where they try to make the actors look like comic book characters for a little bit like Mickey Rourke They put him under all these prosthetics And I just I found that such a fun way to transform something into a comic book movie because it's just like right on the cusp is when there's so many films about Comics and then the superhero movies coming around this time so many movies about comics But they just were not doing anything interesting with it But this was just like how do we make it feel like you're in a comic book? I only just thought of this as you were speaking.
I was like because it's that like that neo-noir Look and I was like I wonder if part of the reason I loved this film so much was because I watched so much Noir and like old movies with my grandpa. Oh my god, like Humphrey Bogart Wow Cuz it's like that but for you for your generation. I love those Humphrey Bogart like the big sleeve multi-sparken even like we would watch we would watch so many old movies or so many old black and white movies me my grandpa like He loved Fred Astaire and ginger Rogers. So we watched a lot of like old musicals and Yeah, it was it's I can't believe I just only made this Connection.
That's what we're here for the store to make those connections. That's great. I love that. You love more classic.
Yeah Yeah, would you ever do anything in that space? Would you want to do something like that too?
I wonder how it would Translate into sex though in terms of I'm thinking about like Visually seeing the penetration when you've got such like the contrast and the lighting Mmm, a lot of people because they're there was a film in the last couple of years that was released In black and white like a porn film really and it was well received and it actually did win some awards but the fan criticism of it was that it didn't it didn't like Because they couldn't see the flesh tones It felt like they couldn't put themselves in it as much like there's something about seeing the flesh In one that makes it more visceral or real or I don't know. It must be like that thing Well, that's how I see it. So that's how it must be like the primal type thing that goes through your eyes Yeah, well, that's one of the reasons that POV Porn films are so popular because you know, it's really from the viewers angle and they're looking down and seeing Their penis, yeah doing the fucking so now that would be crazy You really are looking down So maybe I If I did it, it would be more of like a passion project and I wanted to do not necessarily like the fans might not Yeah, I mean, I like the sound of it. I think that sounds cool I'd love to play a character like that because that's it's kind of campy in its own way to the way they sort of and it Is sexy like that femme fatale aspect of all all that kind of like steaminess and that like very You know the intense flirtatious dialogue in those Of course, you have to be you would have to be well, you know Chinatown's one of my favorite like noir films vagina town.
There you go. There we go.
You've got it I just want to accredit saying special story by something like that Well, we've come time for your stuff big recommendation. Oh, yes So excited for this I'm really excited for this because it I was I was actually because it's like such a nice List of films that you've got and I was trying to go. Well, what is like the connective tissue between them? I think the war is like an aspect to it, but maybe more in like that kind of crime sense So it's like trying to I really I really put myself in like just going like what is this something that can tie these together? I Pick it is the directorial debut of the Wachowski sisters before they blew up the whole world with the matrix It is their 1996 film Crime so, let me tell you a little bit about bound It is that kind of classic steamy noir full of double-crossing lovers a bag full of two million dollars In cash stolen from the mafia, but the neo-noir twist here is our lead is not Humphrey Bogart But Gina Gershon as a tough female ex-convict that begins an affair with a seductive Girlfriend of a mafioso and I'd say this interestingly the film has been praised for its depiction of lesbian sex especially for that era 1996 and to choreograph those things that were chow skis collaborated with sex educator Suzy bright Basically forming the prototype for the now much more common onset job of intimacy coordinator Yeah, I think you really love it. It fits in with all the stuff. We've talked about today, especially those neo-noir notes. Thank you Yeah, I'm absolutely gonna watch this and let you know what I think there's a movie they made just before they made the matrix It's well matrix.
So yeah, thank you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it And does anything want to push our listeners towards oh well, you know The best place to find me is Angela white calm if you're an adult, I think we can link to it I don't know if you legally pan, but you can look it up Angela white calm. But yeah, thank you so much for joining us Thank you so much. It has been an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much.
And um, could I grab a killer python to go? Absolutely. I mean, is that a euphemism war?
Both both would be great The last video store My sincere thank yous to adult film superstar Angela white for joining me in the last video store killer python killer episode and that is not a Euphemism, I'm gonna tell you we can find Angela's pics in your own home uncut gems is on Netflix You can watch it wherever you want But I'd also say this the copy that we have in the store is that beautiful criterion collection 4k UHD Which I highly recommend you can find sin city and love on Video on demand for rent and my recommendation to her was bound by the Wachowski sisters It is on Stan available for you to watch if you're a subscriber from that service or we can rent it on VOD as Well, if you want to keep up with the show You can follow us on YouTube and you can subscribe to the channel there as well You can also listen to us in podcast mode wherever you get your podcast. So follow us on Apple podcast Spotify or Whatever weird app you use you freaking freak you can use whatever app you want people use weird absolutes in the podcast Not me. I use the two mainstream ones. You're different. I'm sure of it You can also keep up with us on Instagram We're going to be putting clips up on there. Sometimes a little bit of exclusive bonus features It is last video store, but tutor on Instagram and tick tock. Thank you for joining us and until next time I will hope You do the one thing I care about most which is respecting cinema in every single form it takes including the humble DVD |
SaturdayNightLive | bridesmaid_cult_documentary_snl | It all started with a box on my doorstep and a note with a question. and I just got this feeling that it wasn't the kind of question you could say no to. will you be my bridesmaid? You keep Sweet Wild Wild Country And the Nexium documentary comes a harrowing new cult story. I was a bridesmaid. each year more than six million women fall into this type of cult. they prey on vulnerable groups like college roommates and sisters-in-law. they sell you on the big day. I thought it was a one-day commitment, but for 18 months I was fully sucked in. I mean, there was an email chain, a group text, Dms, a whole last conversation in the comments on Venmo. I got sent a 200 question poll about customized shirts. we ended up going with Bride Tribe. these cults also target another vulnerable group, outgoing gay men. I've been a bridesmaid at nine Weddings this year. whenever a girl starts calling me sis, I know I'm in trouble. the bachelorette party is the first major ritual almost always in Nashville. I tried to say I couldn't afford to go because my student loans. the Maid of Honor texted back no worries with a sparkle emoji.
I knew what that meant. I sold my car to make it happen.
At first I thought that the bride was in charge, but it was the woman under her, the Maid of Honor, Michelle. Michelle was a sociopath.
Oh you know, I'm actually not feeling that good so I might meet you guys later. that's okay. hey Brittany, can we talk for a sec? I don't have many memories from the bachelorette trip because I was drugged by myself.
I had no choice. these women were terrorizing every gay bar in town. As with all cults, there is a financial element. I spent $300 on a bridesmaid dress. the bride's tour I'd find other times to wear it. like where am I going That calls for a floor length light blue chiffon gown with a modest neckline. nowhere. then the bridal shower. more money, more gifts. there was all this penis stuff, sashes, straws. everyone acted like it was hilarious. I didn't understand. the penis stuff is is very funny.
I will say that. Then finally it was time for the big day. I was separated from my boyfriend and given a new partner. the groom's cousin, Donnie, who was inexplicably 61. The final ritual was the most demeaning. we had to write and perform original lyrics to Fresh Prince of Bel Air. And then all of a sudden it was over. But I just got engaged.
Don't worry. I'm going to be such a chill bride. |
CrackerMilk | we_go_to_the_gaza_strip | Woah Woah Woah Woah Woah Woah Muslim OOOOOOH What happened to your sleeves Bro? My sleeves, I ripped them off because it was too hot.
Guys this one was just sitting around Nice nipples dude. Nice nipples Can we get some digital zoom on the nipples? Cut diamonds they can.
Hey, guess what? What?
We've been planning for months, we've been trying to go on a trip and we're about to go on it it's available on Spotify and I know that I left it up to you to buy the tickets. So you got the tickets? Uh yeah yeah yeah no yeah I got the tickets.
Are you gonna be good? Yeah yeah yeah we're fine. And they're the right place? Yeah yeah. Because we said we're going to Fiji. That's right.
Did you pack all your things? Yeah. Did you pack all your things for where we're going? I thought we were going on snow. Oh what have you bought mate?
I brought my gimps suit. Oh my snow gimps suit. I didn't bring my Hawaii gimps suit.
This one isn't very well ventilated is it mate? Yeah not at all. That is not good mate. How is he meant to be?
I've brought latex to wear. Latex undies, latex shoes, latex gloves, latex eyewear.
Are you gonna get that through customs? I'll just wear it. Let's go to the airport okay and we're here due to the power of improv. And yeah I'll go up to the ticket booth and I'll just go like just put our tickets through so we can just. No worries. I'll sound like a lot like the receptionist. Yes hello.
Hi look I've actually fucked up. I was meant to. Sorry one sec what's your fucking language in front of me? Sorry I've fucked upwards.
Thank you. That's much better. Thank you.
Look I was meant to be planning a trip for me and two of my friends and buy tickets to feedy. But I've completely forgotten.
I'm gonna look up some places so we can take you to. We've got 60% off first class. This one's going to Vegas okay and let me read the other one. And we've got oh here we go so this one's full price and it's just economy okay. It's one of the worst airlines and this one's going to the Gaza Strip. I'll try and go for the 60% one here and my computer's just told me to tell you guys to get fucked. So why don't we just put you guys down for three tickets to the Gaza Strip.
I mean I'm happy with that yeah. I hope I get to meet Gaza. Hey Connor you happy with that? Yes. Perfect yeah let's lock it in let's go. Okay no worries and three tickets to the Gaza Strip and you're aware of the dangers yes?
A bit of sunburn. We've got sunscreen. Yeah of course you guys are well versed on the conflict between Israel and Palestine correct?
Ah don't worry about it it'll be fine it's not really a big deal anymore. Nothing to be concerned about.
No no no no just be nice and the locals are friendly and they you know. When do we get to meet Gaza? Hey. When do we get to meet Gaza? Okay that's a good one. Fuck off cunts okay. I'm excited to meet Gaza. Okay see you later just go line up over there. I guess we'll meet him when we get there.
Yeah I guess so. No worries. Hey guys sorry about that. Nah it's all good. Where are we off to? Alright well before we can get on the plane we gotta, fuck we gotta line up through fucking customs here so I'll be back I've just gotta take the bundles of heroin that I have in my arse and I've just gotta make sure that customs can't see it so I'll be back soon alright? All good man no worries.
Come through for me mate. Yep. Come through. Have you got any aerosol cans on you? No man.
Mate take your belt off it's making the machine go. It's latex. Ah mate. I'm covered in latex.
And where are you going today? Gaza Strip. That's a typo. You're going to see my mate Gaza. You're covered in black latex and you're going to the Gaza Strip mate that's not very safe. You're aware of that mate?
It was not safe. I think that's the safest you could be. Yeah I'm not going to get sunburned. Fair enough man. It's true the sun is gone.
Let me check your bag here and we'll just see what we've got inside okay? So a few books for the trip very good it's a long it's a long drive. Yeah I've got a little cookbook in there. And we've got some headphones as well for some nice tunes that's good.
We've got an IED in there and everything seems to be fine so we'll let you through. Thank you very much. And we'll come through. Woah woah woah woah woah woah.
What's your name mate? What's your name?
Does there seem to be a problem here? Yeah mate. It's nothing to worry about but the machine is going off. What have we got here Ed?
Yeah mate look we've got another we've got a Sector 29. What's a Sector 29?
We're just going to give you a pat down mate. Do you have a belt on? Ah yeah. Get your belt off. Do you have any other metal parts? Probably just my knee. Yeah get that off. I can't. Mate you're not getting on the trip unless you get with your fucking knee out.
Rich we've got a 209. We've got a fucking 209.
Alright mate I'm going to give you a pat down and I'm just going to make sure you're all good okay? Yep.
Ahhh!
Stop resisting! It's a procedure sir. Stop resisting! I'm not resisting!
It's a procedure sir. This is a procedure we are trained for this. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. Just going to give you a pat down.
Maybe you need some help. Yeah I think we need some help.
Ahhh!
Alright you're good. You're through. Thank you. Alright. Do you have my belt back? Yeah I went through it with no problem. Look at that.
Excellent well let's get on the flight and let's go to the guards of the strip boys. Alright let's all sit down. Okay what seats are you?
You're 17B. No that's weird. Tom and I are 18B and 18A. Did you? Oh no dude. Are we separated?
You're going to have to sit next to a stranger man. Good evening passengers. This is your pilot speaking. We are on our way to the Gaza Strip and I want to make sure that you all know the dangers.
Sunburn, twisted ankles from soccer and dismemberment from terrorist organizations. Did he just say dismemberment? I think he may have said dismemberment.
Oh he's right. Didn't you hear? Going to the Gaza Strip gets rid of your RuneScape membership man. Oh dis-membership. Oh right of course yes.
And if there are any RuneScape players on board just look to your left and you'll see. Woah it's Al Kharid. Oh Al Kharid. Very popular RuneScape place.
Hey law can I sit down? Yeah you sure can. Well I mean is it on your ticket? Holy fuck that's really, I can hear that from over here. What's your seat name?
I'm 17B. 17B? I'm 17C.
Oh that's your... I'm next to you. My name's Bessie Blow and I've got a big cunt. Do you mind if I sit next to you? Sorry what is your name? I'm Bessie Blow I've got a big cunt. My name is Elias. Elias? Yes. How big's your cunt?
Yeah please let me get, can I just get three glasses of... I'd like five whiskers please. Sorry what was that? I'm just hard of hearing through the turbulence. Five scotch whiskers please. Sorry what was that? It's just the turbulence is a bit louder. Five scotch whiskers please. Oh no worries yes but so five scotch whiskers for yourself and what would you like?
No for both of us I'm shouting. It's my shout. I know you're shouting but I just want to find out what he wants to drink. No it's my shout. Yes I'm aware that you're shouting.
I need to find out what this gentleman wants to drink and I'll get your face. Eh fuck it. I am a woman. Madam sorry. Can you tell from my big cunt?
And what's bringing you to the Gaza Strip? I want to see the world.
Sorry? Before I die. Why would, is there something wrong Bessie Blue? I've got diabetes. Excuse me Elias I'm sorry.
I can share my seat with you. Why not? I've got a big cunt so I need room for it. You may be a bit squashed. So where the hell am I meant to sit if you're going to take over my seat? Elias you could sit in her big cunt. That's a great idea. Why don't you crawl into her big cunt like she's a torn torn? No it's Scottish tradition for you to sit in me big cunt. Look that's great but I'm not a part of the Scottish tradition.
I'm just Elias. Please Elias it's me dying wish. This is the copilot speaking here. Captain's currently unconscious as we go through this. Oh sorry I mean he's sleeping while we go through this turbulence. But I'd just like you guys to get into the emergency position for me.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about and completely unrelated. We've just flown over Crimea and there is a missile that is directly heading for us. Absolutely no apparent reason.
Sorry sealed up for the winter. Sorry man I'm in here already. Oh come on damn it.
That's me David Haggis. It's me David Haggis.
I'll leave inside Big Bessie's cunt. I'll let you in but you're a real prick about it before. Sorry Big Bessie my name's Bessie Blue. Sorry I... Don't mention a big in me name that's a bit rude. Sorry you do have quite a big cunt. Aye it is big. That's why I call you Big Bessie.
Understandable. Have a nice day. I will. Hang on we're going through.
He's gone he's gone. Oh shit.
The only way I'm going to survive. I need you to store me in your cunt. Store me right up in there until you can get medical attention Bessie.
In you go. Elias. Are you with me Elias? Oh my god. Elias. Oh hello. You're going in me cunt. Oh.
And a peaceful end to this week's crack of a podcast. And we've got merch. Merch. Buy our merch please so we can afford to eat.
It's been a beautiful time and our patrons this week well. Five people inside Bessie Blue's big cunt.
Who's going to have to draw that is wincing. He's wincing. I'm sorry I'm sorry.
I'm just going to give you a pat down. Maybe you need some help. Yeah I think we need some help. Stop resisting.
Alright you're good. You're through. Thank you. Alright. Can I have my belt back? Yeah I went through with no problem. Look at that. Excellent.
Well let's get on the flight and let's go to the guards of the strip boys. Alright let's all sit down. Okay what seats are you?
You're 17B. No that's weird. Tom and I are 18B and 18A. Oh no dude. Are we separated?
You're going to have to sit next to a stranger man. Good evening passengers. This is your pilot speaking. We are on our way to the Gaza Strip and want to make sure that you all know the dangers.
Sunburn, twisted ankles from soccer and dismemberment from terrorists. Did he just say dismemberment? I think he may have said dismemberment. He's right. Didn't you hear? Going to the Gaza Strip gets rid of your RuneScape membership man. Ahhh. Dismemberment. Oh right of course.
And if there are any RuneScape players on board just look to your left and you'll see. Woah it's Al Kharid. Oh Al Kharid. Very popular RuneScape place.
Hello can I sit here? Yeah you sure can. Well I mean is it on your ticket? I can hear that from over here. What's your seat name?
I'm 17B. 17B? I'm 17C.
I'm next to you. My name's Bessie Blow and I've got a big cunt. Do you mind if I sit next to you? Sorry what is your name? I'm Bessie Blow I've got a big cunt. My name is Elias. Elias! How big's your cunt? Treats anyone?
Can I just get three glasses of... We'd like five whiskers please. Sorry what was that? I'm just hard of hearing through the turbulence. Five scotch whiskers please. Sorry what was that? It's just the turbulence is a bit loud. Five scotch whiskers please. Oh no worries. For five scotch whiskers for yourself and what would you like?
It's my shoot! I know you're shouting but I just want to find out what he wants to drink. No it's my shoot! Yes I'm aware that you're shouting. I need to find out what this gentleman wants to drink and I'll get your face.
Eh fuck it! I am a woman! Madam sorry. Can you tell from my big cunt?
And what's bringing you to the Gaza Strip? I want to see the world!
Sorry. Before I die! Is there something wrong Bessie Blow? Yes Elias I'm sorry.
I can share my seat. With you. Why not? I've got a big cunt so I need room for it. You may be a bit squashed. So where the hell am I meant to sit if you're going to take over my seat?
Elias! You could sit in her big cunt! That's a great idea! Why don't you crawl into her big cunt like she's a torn torn? No! It's Scottish tradition for you to sit in me big cunt! Look that's great but I'm not a part of the Scottish tradition. I'm just Elias! Please Elias! It's me dying wish!
This is the co-pilot speaking here. Captain's currently unconscious as we go through this. Oh sorry I mean he's sleeping while we go through this turbulence. But I'd just like you guys to get into the emergency position for me.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about and completely unrelated. We've just flown over Crimea and there is a missile that is directly heading for us. Absolutely no apparent reason.
Sorry! Sealed up for the winter! Sorry man!
I'm in here already! Come on! Damn it! It's me! David Haggis!
Big Bessie's cunt! I'd let you in but you're a real prick about it before! Sorry Big Bessie! My name's Bessie Blue! Sorry! Don't mention a big in me name! That's a bit rude! Sorry you do have quite a big cunt! Aye it is big! That's why I call you Big Bessie!
Understandable! Have a nice day! I will! Oh shit! I've survived because of the big cunt!
Bessie! It's me Bessie Blue! What's wrong David Haggis? I'm horribly maimed Bessie!
The only way I'm going to survive I need you to store me in your cunt! Store me right up in there until you can get medical attention Bessie!
In you go! Elias! Are you with me Elias? Oh my god! Elias! Hello! You're going in me cunt!
And a peaceful end to this week's crack of a podcast! And we've got merch! Merch! Buy our merch please so we can afford to eat! It's been a beautiful time and our patrons this week well! Five people inside Bessie Blue's big cunt!
Who's going to have to draw that is wincing! He's wincing! |
dropout | Murder_Mystery_Game_Show_Game_Changer_Full_Episode | Get ready for a game changer. Tonight's guests, coming in all the way from New York City, it's Josh Rubin. Coming in at eight foot 14 inches, it's Grant O'Brien. And coming in despite having two other dropout shows in post production, it's Rekha Shankar.
And your host, me. I've been here the whole time. This is Game Changer, the only game show where the game changes every show. I'm your host, Sam Reich. I'm joined today by these three lovely contestants. Now, you all understand how the game works.
No. I don't.
By design, I think. You've been trapping us in a room of secrets. That's right.
Our players have no idea what game it is they're about to play. The only way to learn is by playing. The only way to win is by learning, and the only way to begin is by beginning. So without further ado, let's begin.
Hold.
Sorry, I've got a sound issue here. Josh? Yeah. Can you come over here? I've got to fix your lav mic. Please. Come over here. It happens in the world of production. Just give me one second. Hollywood, California, am I right?
Players, there has been a murder. No kidding. Yeah, no ****.
It is your job to figure out who done it. Was it the sound mixer? No, no, no. It wasn't me. I swear. Was it the production assistant? Oh, God. Oh, no. This is all too heavy, man. Was it the production designer? This is not the kind of art I had in mind. Was it the script supervisor?
I'm on book. Or was it the producer of Game Changer? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't look at me. We are. You spoke.
We love scripts. We need our scripts, Rekha. You know, like the scripts came in very last minute. It's too much to ask everybody to memorize all of this dialogue.
Oh, I get it. Now, this will function like something of an adventure video game. There are lines of dialogue here that you will need to unlock until you've gotten all the clues. Once you've gotten all the clues, you will know who the suspects are, and only then will you be able to decide who you think did it. Whoever's right will win the game.
Are there points? There are no points in this game. No.
For now, you may address any one of these crew members about the murder. We are going to start with Rekha. The producer. Listen, I just can't believe something like this happened on my watch, on a game show no less. You know? I produce disaster scenes that are less disasters than this. Word travels fast in Hollywood, California. My career's over. Okay.
Grant, I feel like there's a clue. There'll be lots of clues. I don't want to say it out loud because then I'll tell Rekha what the clues are.
But we can just work together and then we'll share the prize. I love the lazy resolution. I don't hate that.
So the last thing that the producer said was Hollywood, California. Not Hollywood, Florida. So you're right where I'm at. And the last thing Sam said was Hollywood, California before all the lights went out seamlessly. Hollywood, California is a trigger word.
Production designer. I don't even know why we're debating this. The sound mixer was standing right next to the victim when he was murdered. It's definitely a sound mixer, but he's a weird dude.
I heard he breeds rottweilers. Adopt, don't shop. He breeds rottweilers.
Now, you may ask the script supervisor about the issue of proximity to the murder. So when you say ask them. Because I'm not asking anything. I'm just pointing and then they're saying something. Because I had a question for the production designer.
If you could be any animal, what would it be? A snake. Ooh. In the grass?
Okay, I will ask the script supervisor about proximity because I don't know what that question means. As script supervisor, it is my job to watch the action carefully. Now, at the time of the murder, the only people that were near the victim was the PA and the sound mixer. I'm not saying they're the murderer, I'm just pointing that out. As script supervisor. So PA, how close were you to the murder? Okay, look, I'm supposed to be nearby the action, okay?
In case anyone needs like batteries or water or anything, okay? Speaking of water, are you guys okay on water though? Does anyone need water?
Josh left his.
Well, if you have water, just be sure to mark it so people know it's yours. You need a marker for that one? I would love a marker. Yeah, mark it, please. Look at the marker, Greg!
I don't want us to get new ones. I'm actually... Okay, it's an unknown brand. I would like to ask the sound mixer. I know this looks bad, but I didn't do it, I swear.
I got nothing against Josh, all right? I think he's great.
He just had a sound issue. Seriously, that's it. What was the sound issue? Honestly. Yeah.
I saw somebody run out onto the stage, stab him, and then run off, but it was so dark I couldn't make out who it was. Please, look, I can't go to jail, all right?
I got seven Rottweilers at home I gotta take care of. That's the most suspicious dog.
And you wanna know something ironic? This was supposed to be the murder mystery episode. It says it right here, game changer murder mystery, all right? Of course someone was not supposed to die, yeah. That may be obvious, but it's my job to point out the obvious as script supervisor. Why do you keep talking like that? I'm taking notes on this water bottle. Hey, producer, what's going on? It seems like you're doing your job pretty badly if someone actually got murdered. Yeah, so this was supposed to be the murder mystery episode.
One of the other games this season, the game of prizes, was way, way too expensive.
So this was supposed to be a very cheap, cheap episode. Oh, great. Sorry, guys. So we were just gonna mic up the crew and then go get a murder weapon. That's it.
Can I ask a follow-up? Are there prizes? There is a prize at the end of this game. Ooh-wee!
Can we ask what the murder weapon was gonna be? It's my turn. We're trying to do the same fucking thing. Hey, what was the murder weapon gonna be?
Listen, there's only so many pages of this. You can't ask anything, Craig.
If you could be any animal, what would it be? It's a snake, for sure.
All right, sure. Okay.
You can also ask the sound mixer about those microphones we just heard about, or the production designer about the murder weapon. You can also ask the PA about the murder itself.
We haven't heard from him yet. PA, what you got? I don't know, man.
All right. It's just too heavy, okay?
I just know I got into this business because I can't take anything serious, okay? My dad told me to be a doctor, and I said, no, I'd have to deal with death. And my mom told me to be a lawyer, and I was like, no, mom, I'd have to deal with jail. But comedy, what can go wrong, right? Maybe you still have to deal with jail because you murdered someone.
Ask the production designer about the weapon. I mean, as part of my job, when I'm told I get a proper costume, I get options. So I didn't just get one knife, I got two. The first one was one of those cheap plastic ones, the kind that retract. The second one was beautiful, it was ornamental. The producer went with the cheaper one, of course, because it was less expensive. I kind of want to know more about the murder weapons. Listen, that second knife wasn't just expensive, it was also dangerous, okay? The blade didn't retract. But everyone should know, that knife is not on set anymore, okay?
I had it returned. I mean, I told the production designer to return it. You can now ask the production designer about returns, or you can ask the sound mixer about microphones. Absolutely not. I mean, the knife was returned. I mean, I told the PA to do it. PA, did you return that, what you were supposed to do? It was returned.
Shit. I mean, it will be, it will be. I haven't had time to do it yet.
Jacques! It should still be in the returns box. Oh! Something happened! Grant and Rekha, you may now search the returns box for the ornamental knife that was supposed to go back to the prop house. Ball is there.
So which knife is that? That's the retractable one. That's the retractable knife. This is the retractable one. So that means that the real knife is on someone in this room.
That means that you can ask the sound mixer about microphones, or you can choose to search any one of these suspects for the murder weapon. You know what? Because you keep dangling it like a frickin' carrot in front of a vegetarian, I'm gonna ask about the sound mixer. Look, the whole idea of the murder mystery episode was that the crew themselves were suspects in a murder, and because we were all gonna be on camera, I had to mic up the whole crew. Look, I didn't mean the eavesdrop, but I might have heard some things I shouldn't have heard. Do you guys wanna hear it?
Yes! Jesus!
What the frick? Amanda's dead!
And you're waiting until you're called on to offer important information. My dear friend! I'm gonna play it. Okay. You have a recording of it? Yeah. Why were you rolling? You know what?
I'm fresh out of batteries. Does anybody have any fresh batteries? I'm the frickin' PA! Oh, you need batteries? Yeah, yeah, cool. If you're out of batteries, my dude, I am going to Cut your throat!
Thank you, thank you. There you go. Okay. Are those the right kind? Do you need a decel? I'll just put my batteries in. Sure. Just use the cheaper one.
I don't see what the big deal is. What's the big deal? This is art. That's what the big deal is.
Stop being so dramatic. I could kill you for this. You know, if we were in a murder mystery, that kind of language would be a big red flag.
Yeah, all I'm getting is that they have mad chemistry. Wow, that is legitimately, like, I'm legitimately mad. That's so hot. That's really something. That was incredibly hot.
Hold on. This is a fun set. Wait, Josh, wait a second.
Oh, frick.
Close to the mic. Oh, man. Just all over each other. It's so dramatic if you say it like that. Grant, you may now search any one of these crew members for the murder weapon or ask the production designer or the producer about this issue of the budget. I suppose I'll search someone for the murder weapon. Is he physically searching them or did you just point? Physically. Oh, my God.
You can't search Josh. Josh doesn't have it.
Well, sound designer, you were right by Josh when those lights went out. I didn't do it. Well, I'm going to search you anyway for a weapon. Feel free. Do a good job, please. There is no murder weapon on the sound mixer. Sure. Since we're allowed to come out of our little turtle holes here, I search you.
Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat is hidden here. The production designer does not have the knife. What does she have? I bet it's cute. This is cute. She's got the producer's number on a little business card.
Yeah. Okay. This is cute, too. We are not trading fashion tips here. We are solving a murder. Oh, my God. Okay, fine. Grant.
I must search the PA. I'm going to touch you. I need an affirmative yes.
That's okay. All right. Okay.
No, no, no. It was me. It was me. Okay. I did it. Oh, God. I did it. Oh, no. I ran on stage. I stabbed Josh in the back. I was supposed to.
It says here in the script. Look. It says when a player takes center stage, the PA rushes out and stabs that player. Okay. I thought this knife was retractable. You're stupid.
I got it from the prompt table. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Someone must have switched the knife on the prompt table with this one. The prompt master. Someone pulled a switcheroo.
That's why he was so nervous, because he actually killed someone. First of all, that's manslaughter.
At least. You're going. You're absolutely.
Hey, honey. Absolutely. Hey, sweetie. Hey, sweetie, honey.
You're going to jail. Listen, little boy. You're going to go to jail.
Hey, sweetie. You are off creek, my friend.
A switcheroo. You think that's going to hold up in court? Someone pulled a switcheroo. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I shanked someone in the dark, because I thought the knife was retractable. You idiot. It was in the script. We have established the PA is definitely going to jail for a long, long time.
Sorry, sweetheart. Sorry.
Producer, what's going on with the budget? That's what's important right now. Yeah, yeah. Look, money's tight, okay? And when money's tight, tempers flare up.
But the production designer's hardly the only one who's been unhappy with me. Oh, brother. Look, we've all been there. Sometimes stuff gets going in the office. Yow. Listen, I couldn't get the sound mixer all the microphones he wanted.
He friend to sick his dogs on me. Rottweilers. That's fucking crazy. I would have fired him. The Rottweilers keep coming up. Seven. Seven Rottweilers.
Seven sister school. Liberal arts. Women's college.
Just the worst kind of lost fan. The worst kind of conspiracy theorist.
Production designer. Your budget seems a little out of whack to me. Look, maybe I don't agree with all the decisions the producer has made. Maybe I got a glance of his self-budgeted day rate, which is wisely over the top.
And maybe it's people like him that is the reason that Hollywood, California doesn't produce anything of quality anymore. Because it's all money and no art. But I don't know if that has to do with anything about someone being murdered.
Seems to me like the production designer. Hates the producer.
I agree. But also loves him. Whoa. Like whoa. Like just like sparks.
Are you kidding? I'm going to ask the sound mixer.
What I said was, I'm going to be sick and my dogs too. Because when I'm angry, I don't eat. And when I don't eat, my dogs don't eat because I'm the alpha.
That's nature, okay? Honestly, according to the script, I was supposed to mic up everybody, all right? Everybody.
You can't just not mic up someone who's supposed to speak, right? Well, asking about the microphones hasn't led to much. And I really do want to find that murder weapon. You think he's just going to keep talking in circles?
He's like, well, I don't know what to do about my seven dogs. But my dogs are all great. I was too sick last night to feed them. Yeah, I don't give a about his dogs.
May I check in with you? Okay. Because I do want to go over what we know so far. Okay. So, and are you right on this?
She hates him. He hates her.
But again, explosive chemistry. Like, oh God. Yes. The script supervisor doesn't seem to talk to anybody. Sure.
The PA is very nervous about impressing people, but also seems like a scapegoat for a lot of people. The sound person, this dog thing, I imagine everyone hates the producer because he's the one coming down so hard. Do we know how anyone feels about Josh? Interesting. Is Josh a difficult person to mic?
To get water for? Sure. To dress?
To script supervise? Rekha, you may now ask the producer about the issue of the microphones. The script supervisor about the script or the sound mixer about another recording that just came to light.
I mean, that last voice recording was hot as hell. I mean, you could get another one of those. I would love that. Yeah. We'll take a hot steamy recording for 1,000. You know what?
Out of batteries again. Hey, just a tip, and this is rude. If you're a sound mixer, you absolutely need your own batteries. This can't keep happening, man. Also, better batteries.
Yeah. Wow. What are you using? You're using dollar store? Yeah. Okay. Are you going to go rogue?
No. Stop. Yes. No, stop. What is this? You can't do this. Hang on. Wait, you have batteries? Grant, you can't. Oh, my God. Do you need help? Am I going to find stuff I don't like? Jesus Christ. I don't think so.
Look at all my creams and saps. You have a lot of creams and pills.
It's all right. I'm sorry. All right, here. No, no. All right.
I have them. Yes. Can I say, that was really clever and I think Grant should be rewarded for that. Wow. As is competition. That's really sweet. No. Ready? Yeah. Stupid.
The producer is cutting our budget. It's destroying our art. All the while, he lines his own pockets.
Maybe just don't work with him again? That's not enough. No one in the town of Hollywood, California should have to work with him again. If you don't mind me saying so, that's a very suspicious thing to say. Okay.
Now that was also way hot. This is a pretty hot combo between the PD and the PA.
So this PD, she hates the producer, so why the fuck is she killing Josh? Who cares about Josh? No one cares about Josh.
Right? He's trash. Maybe she's trying to sabotage the producer by having someone die on the set, so that might be a motive. Okay.
I'm going to ask the script supervisor about the script. As script supervisor, I am intimately familiar with the script. And I confirm, the script says, when a player takes center stage, the PA rushes out and stabs that player. The sound malfunction, though, that was not a part of the script, and Josh was not supposed to die. I should know, because I am script supervisor.
You are hot on the trail.
I would like to speak to the producer about the production designer, because I think that's something. All right, look, the production designer and I have had our differences, but would she switch the knife and have someone kill just to end my career? Either way, that sounds like a motive. A motive has been established, and therefore, the production designer is one of our official suspects. You may now ask the producer about the microphones.
That is the only thing you are able to do. Oh, I'll do that.
So listen, I said to the sound mixer, the victim doesn't need a microphone. He's going to die as soon as the game begins. He doesn't have any lines. You don't have to mic him up.
So we're all mic'd. Are you mic'd? You're mic'd. I'm mic'd.
So the situation here is that our sound mixer wanted a bunch of microphones. The producer didn't want to give him all those microphones because the victim shouldn't need one. So, sound mixer, the microphones, tell me about those.
What's the point of Game Changer, right? That the players don't know what's going on. So if I don't mic up the murder victim, they're going to know that something smells funny. And that's what happened. Isn't that right?
Grant! Shut up. Grant came to me asking why he wasn't mic'd up.
What was I supposed to tell him? I told him the truth. I told him that he was, you know, going to be the one that dies.
I am mic'd. I am mic'd up. No, get to me! I am mic'd up. Get to me! I am mic'd up. I'll start crying! I am mic'd up though. I am mic'd up. What's happening? You may now ask the script supervisor about Grant. This is ridiculous. Wait a minute. Shut up! I'm mic'd up!
You went to Tisch. I don't know what you learned there. Not much!
Okay, script supervisor, tell me. As script supervisor, Grant approached me before the shoot and he said, shut up. I should be the killer. I can really ham it up, do a big dramatic monologue once it's revealed. He asked me to switch the script around. He said, what's a little switcheroo? That's not. Do a better impression of me. You are using your appropriating P.A.'s language. I know I did this. And I told him, nah, I am not a script changer, I'm a script supervisor.
I hate you! This is a red herring. How do you feel? This is a red herring. P.A.!
Well now that I think of it, you did ask me about the knife earlier. You wanted to see if it was safe, but I told you that the dangerous knife was in the returns box.
I know what you're thinking.
What?
You think that I did it. They did it. They did a thing.
I mean, look, we all know that Grant is a total diva, but would he A, switch the knife, B, take the batteries out of Josh's microphone so he could take center stage, and C, get him killed just to be able to play the villain instead of a dead body on an internet game show. There's something I can't figure out. Why would the batteries have crapped out so soon after I put them in? And I just put them in, unless somebody wanted them. Someone who has batteries in their bag. Why did, I did wonder why the fuck you brought your bag to a podium. Grant, there is one option left, and it's to check Josh's lab for batteries.
You have to check the lav. That's the only way I know you're not terrible. She has a knife. I got a knife. I'll check the lav.
Please. Oh yeah, there are batteries in there. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's no batteries, you fuck. We have reached the end of our journey.
Two suspects have been established. The production designer or Grant O'Brien. You can now nominate whoever you think did it. I think the production designer. Rekha. I think it's Grant.
You understand that if I, if it was me, you are being Truman Showed, and the narcissism that it would take. The nerve, the nerve. If I'm being Truman Showed, the nerve for nobody to tell me.
You're right. I was asked to play a dead body, and I was supposed to lay on the floor for 20 minutes when I could have been standing doing meta jokes the whole time. I went to Tish. I know. That fucking rule of the arts. So did I. What?
Give me that. This? Give it to me.
I was born to play the villain. I am a love child between the Grinch and Jared Kushner. I am the greatest actor Hollywood, California has ever seen.
All right. You want to see me play a dead body? For you, and you, you'll get it. I hide my monologue. I'm ready. There are no small parts, only small actors. Well, I got the retractable one. And that's our show, Rekha. This was all for you.
I hate this. I hate it.
You did Truman Show me. Our prize is this beautiful real chef's knife, which the crew was so nervous was going to be confused for an actual knife on our set, given its meta content. They made us seal this box.
This has been Game Changer. I have been Sam Reich, reminding you that every crime leads one way or another back to Grant O'Brien. Good night. Stupid piece of shit. You should have told me. Thanks for watching that episode of Game Changer. If you liked it, I have great news.
There is way more of it over on Dropout. Just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
If you do, you win the show. I mean, you win the ability to watch more of the show. So you win the show in the sense that, semantics, but you win the show. |
dropout | contour_makeup_has_gone_too_far_hot_date | It's like I want a burger but I just saw Cowspiracy and it made me really hungry so I already had one for lunch. You have something on your face. Like an eyelash? No, like dirt and mud I think. Oh, it's my contour makeup. You look like you're in Broadway's The Lion King. I know, but it looks really good in pictures. You see, contour makeup is an optical illusion. By putting highlighter and bronzer in certain parts of my face, I can accent my cheekbones or make my lips look poutier. But in real life, you look like a dirty sand skeleton. Real life is bleeding. Instagram likes last forever. Okay, I guess if I look at you through the phone camera, you look normal.
Thank you. Oh! I thought you were a dumpster, Mommy. I'm sorry. Oh, shoot.
I need a touch-up. You need a bath. All better. How is that better?
You're wearing enough makeup to drown an elephant. Family. Enough makeup to drown an elephant family. Grown-ups too, none of them are babies, like four to seven adult elephants.
What? I'm gonna look great in our pictures tonight. Here, let me show you. Get over here. Oh, my God. You look disgusting. What's up? The world from award holders Murph and Emily comes a new web series called Hot Date. That's right. It's gonna be coming to you weekly, and if we play our cards right, maybe we'll actually win one of these. Yes.
These are other people's. But we're holding them, so who's the real winner? We'll be right back. |
dropout | porn_tech_support | Tech support, my name is Kunal, how may I be of assistance? Yeah, hi, your website logged me out, now it won't take my password. I can take care of that for you sir, what site were you using?
Um, Sticky Tits. I'm sorry? Sticky Tits, Dutches, okay sir.
And can I get your username? My name is Mark. Hi Mark, I said your username.
Dr. Cocter. Oh, is that a DR or is it?
It's spelled out. For security purposes, what was the name of your first pet? Charlie, but that's not what I wrote down. What did you write, sir? I put screw this question, I want to jerk it. And we're good. Now, what video were you watching? I had a bunch of different tabs open, I don't know. Anything you can remember, sir. Is this necessary? Yes sir, it'll really help us get your account back up and running. Okay, it was a guy and a girl. You're going to have to be a little more specific, sir.
It was a babysitter and the guy was dressed like a giant baby and he had her up against the wall and he was slapping her. In the face?
No, no, no, no, in the butt, he was slapping her butt and it rippled. I'm sorry, it rippled? Yes, it was a close-up of her butt and her butt rippled. And was it around this butt rippled that you were logged off? No, it was during the foot job.
Is this being recorded? For quality assurance, yes. Okay, hi, who's that? I'm a quality assurance representative.
Sir, I'm going to need a list of the search items that you used. Um, well, I searched amateur.
And? Interracial. And? Mother and daughter. And?
Fisting, gagging, and tent rape. I'm sorry, that last one. Yeah, it's short for tentacle rape.
Sir, how often do you access our site? I'm sorry, who is this? I'm an account representative. Okay, I go on once every couple of weeks. That's not what my records are showing. What did you ask me for? All right, I'm going to have to ask you to recreate the events leading up to the problem.
You mean do what I was doing right before? Yes. No. Well, I can always delete your account. Okay, all right, fine, hold on. First I emptied a bottle of lotion into my hand, a belt around my neck, and nipple clamps. While I was watching the video, I would whisper to myself, ooh, just like that. Now, do you have everything you need from me? Please, please, sir, go on. Go on. And I was about three knuckles deep up inside my own. Oh, yeah, here we go.
Who's that? Kevin. Okay, Kevin, what do you do? Okay, how many people are on this phone call right now? Hi. Hey. How are you? Guilty. What's up?
Okay, thank you. I'm getting off now. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, come on, you move on. Bye.
Tech support, my name is Kunal. I'm a baby of assistants. |
dropout | action_movie_pun_brainstorm_with_rob_huebel | Follow me, Hellspawn! Soon the flames of Admiral Inferno will lick the skies!
Playtime is over, Thugbutts. Well, looky here. You're just in time for the barbecue. Peacock! Fridge! Let's kick some Thugbutts!
You need to pipe down! Put this in your pipe! Get up and smoke it! Look who's coming down the pipeline! You need to pipe down!
Oh, oh, Fridge. I already used that one, my man. Yeah, I know, Brock. Sorry. Peacock took mine. Okay, well then you're gonna need to find something else to kill these guys with. There's nothing but pipes up in here. Dammit! Fridge is right!
Why are there so many pipes in here? Don't worry. There's gotta be other pipe jokes we can make. Let's just think. Oh, you better taste this pipe. Oh, come on! Oh, I got one.
What about pipe dreams? You know, like sweet pipe dreams! I don't really think people use pipe dream that way. Maybe you should try adjusting it like your evil plan was just a pipe dream.
It's easy to criticize, but not contribute. I'm not criticizing. I was just piggybacking off your idea.
She's trying to take credit! I was a colonel! A colonel? This ain't no cornfield!
Okay, what about this? This is the idea pipe. And from now on, you can only share your ideas when you're holding it. Oh, what about pipe cleaner? Like what little kids use to make Christmas decorations. How about this?
Piping hot. Like, hey! How's that pipe pretty hot? It's pretty lukewarm.
What about pay to pipe? Guys, I got an idea. Hey, suck butt. Time to lay some pipe. What? Guys, it was perfect! Doesn't count, Peacock. My man Fridge is holding the idea pipe. And I still think pay to pipe has got legs. Gimme that. Okay, go with me here, guys. Things that are related to pipes.
Like, I don't know, steam? You know? Oh, you got me so steamed. Yeah. Steamed! Oh man, it wasn't steam, it was sludge. Damn it! That would have been a great one, right? I mean, if steam had come out of that.
Oh, but I think you'll find me a much more worthy opponent. Guys, why don't we not worry about the pipe thing so much? Let's just check around for other stuff. Report back here in a few minutes.
Wish it was chains. I got about nine puns about chains.
What about this? What is that?
You've stalled long enough. Now it's time to start cooking with gas. Yes, because of the flame.
That's pretty good. You know what? We like it. Let us workshop it. We'll come back to you with other ideas. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Review_Week_Of_May_9th_2014 | A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was four eons ago. A brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can't change who you are, and a bodybuilder's veins are now outside of his skin. Bolder, sleeker, and three times as powerful as your father ever was, this is The Onion Week in Review.
An alarming UN report on magical realism released this week warns of increased incidences of women's tears flooding the entire world. A UN committee linked the catastrophic phenomena to matronly widows, commonly named Tita and Esmeralda, who wept for up to 90 days on end about their estranged lovers. Just consider how detrimental it is to a nation's workforces to have thousands of its plantation overseers simply disappear one night into the midsummer fog, only to return decades later without having aged a single day. Put simply, if such phenomena are not immediately halted, the effects on the international community will be catastrophic.
The nation's limo drivers spent a magical prom night playing scratch-off tickets in the parking lot this week. According to sources, chauffeurs nationwide began their enchanting evening by cramming swank magazines into their glove compartments before dropping off their students at a school gym, working through a stunning assortment of lotto cards, and dining upon a wide range of microwave-heated taquitos from a nearby 7-Eleven. A study published this week found that most serial killers developed their homicidal tendencies after not receiving a toy each time they asked for one as children. The first time I remember having the urge to kill was when I was eight, right after my parents wouldn't buy me the Yomega Hyperwarp. I remember my dad saying, not now, son, and then I went straight home, took the cat out into the garage and peeled off its skin. The release was extraordinary. And in this week's local news, puberty is absolutely teen off on an area teen. In other news, the nation's sisters issue their annual report on how to deal with dad, a newborn is soothed by the familiar sound of its parents' bickering, and an Airbnb user loves how easy the website makes it to ejaculate into a stranger's sink.
How did you feel after watching this? Satisfied? Relieved? Content? My name is Scott McKay, and though I'm medically unable to feel, I've been told that experiencing these emotions during our review is perfectly normal. Now keep up to date by checking TheOnion.com. |
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