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dropout | guy_loses_on_game_show_and_can_t_even | Hello, and welcome to The Price is Precise, the game show where we get people to look at stuff and then they make a little guess on how much that stuff costs. It's all great fun here on The Price is Precise. Now let's meet our three contestants.
Chris, you like traveling, is that correct? Yes, that's correct. And Peter. Peter, you like the color blue? Yes, yes, blue. Yes.
Fantastic. Now, Diana, I heard that you recently moved. I just escaped from a North Korean prison camp. Ooh, cool beans.
All right, let's take a look at our first item up for bid. It's a pretty new scooter. This pre-owned scooter comes equipped with plastic bits, two wheels, and an engine. You'll be scoot, scoot, scootin' about in no time.
It can be yours if The Price is Precise. Chris, we will open with you. Please tell us your bid. My bid's going to be $2,900, Steve. All right, Diana, over to you now. My bid is going to be $45,000, Steve.
Wow. That's a huge bid. What do you think the scooter's made of? 30 other scooters? It's a big bid. It just looks really nice. All righty then, an enormous bet from Diana.
Peter, over to you now. Steve, I'm going to have to go with the dollar. One dollar? You know, you're not betting with your own money. You can actually make a real guess.
I know. It's not three lemons on sale, right? I know.
It's a vehicle. It's a working vehicle. And the actual retail price is $2,750.
Thank you. That's very nice.
You guys are great losers. No, I won. You want me to take this one? You didn't win because you made a stupid bet. You bet a dollar, so you don't win. Now, can I just drive the scooter directly off of the lot, or will the seat have to be adjusted for me? Actually, Chris, Peter won.
He got closest to the actual retail price without going over. But he bet a dollar. He bet that a scooter was a dollar. I was $150 off, and he was $2,749 off, but he still wins with his bet of a dollar.
Okay. That's not how guessing games work. It was a strategic bet that I made. What was strategic about it? Was your strategy to be as wrong as possible? Because you were. You were way off. It's perfectly allowable in the game. This is horseshit! So you're telling me with his bet of $1 he got the price more precise than me? That's what you're saying. I think you're overreacting. I just think that you should stay out of it because you bet $45,000. It was a pretty hefty bet. It really was. Alright, let's move on with the game.
I'm up for bid. It's a new Bayliner. You'll have fun in the sun.
A dollar? Completely broken because that's really it's the only way I could ever see it costing a dollar. You had a closer bet. Thank you. But he still wins with $1.
This is ridiculous. But you were so wrong, though. Oh, I'm taking this now. This is not me. It's the one in the back. The price is bullshit.
You know? That should be the name of the show. Let's show them the next item. Up for bid.
Chris left. What? He's definitely gone. But he left that card. Let's open it up and see what it says.
If you're reading this letter, I've already taken the scooter and left. I made sure to pay back the price of the scooter in full. So why don't you take this dollar and go buy a fucking scooter! |
dropout | det_satan_club | It makes you rigid with fear. If you saw Jesus in yoga pants, you'd shit yourself. Your face would shit.
You'd try to fight us. You Christians love to fight, especially with other religions. You love fighting with them.
But we are Satanists. We desecrate what you love by creating images of a world where... Every religion gets along. Christians and Muslims, Jews and the other ones riding tons of bicycles. We get to sleep over the Christians and the Muslims who have loved more than sleeping bags. It's a lot more simple than chill. We imagine a world where Christians and Jews and Muslims play Pictionary together. And not the way family members play where they are at each other's throats, but the way strangers play where they are on their best behaviour. Pictionary is fun without the family politics. You Christians love imagining that the world will end when four horsemen arrive to signal the apocalypse. So do we. |
dropout | yay_or_nay_do_aliens_exist | Aliens do exist and rumor has it they assemble once a year in a field for what they called the gathering of the Juggalos Yeah, they exist I just lost my job to a hyper intelligent being called Glaxar that was willing to work for half my salary I think I would be very excited if they found life on Mars, especially if it was like a chick Yeah, if it was like not what I was gonna say, especially if she had like natural big natural Like I mean life on Mars is gonna be different, but it might be like a three-tidded Please mouth big enough done Okay, sign me up for the first shuttle mission No matter what aliens look like they can't look weirder than us I mean have you ever seen a human penis? It looks like something that got rejected from the Star Wars cantina scene if we ever meet aliens I think they're gonna look just like the aliens from Star Trek B-list actors with weird noses Aliens are as real as those housewives from New Jersey. I know they exist and I'm terrified of coming into contact with them I don't think there's any aliens because that's what the government wants us to think Probably cuz it's accurate They're pretty good government Look, I want aliens to be real as much as the next guy But it's only gonna make your conspiracy nut friend a thousand percent more annoying. Hey Remember when I said aliens killed President Kennedy. I Was half right Why is it that every time people see any light in the sky? They don't recognize their conclusion as always it must be a UFO and not I'm drunk and near the airport The least accurate alien franchise has to be elf. Why does elf eat cats? He's no reason to eat cats cats didn't evolve on melmac There's no reason for elf to have an appetite for cats and why cats specifically why not all mammals the science just isn't there Yeah, sure aliens exist next you're gonna tell me they've implanted themselves and select humans and are secretly living among us Click me to subscribe |
dropout | this_purge_bodyguard_sucks_ch_does_the_purge | This is bad. What are we gonna do? Oh, free office of Medicaid. Oh, sick.
Perg.
Sorry. We're just... We're just writing stuff down.
I'm not gonna hurt you. Okay. But I don't know if I'm gonna save you either. What a choice. Okay. Well, that's fine.
No! Okay, well, that's fine. No!
I can't just leave these two pathetic people to die. All right, I'll save you. But we need to move. Now. If you don't want to save us, you don't have to.
Yeah, it's fine. Really? What's your plan? You gonna comic write your way out of this, huh? All right, fine.
It seems like a lot of people would have just left you guys. So, I don't know. Maybe you could... I don't know.
What do you want us to say? Thank you. We don't have time for that. Let's move. Now! Die! We gotta make it to the seventh floor. There's a safe haven in the southwest corner. Fuck off and die, pig. Sweet! Did you guys have done that?
I don't think so. No, probably not.
You got any compliments for me? Anything you want to lay on me? Nothing?
No, save it for later. Save it for when I get you out of this alive. Okay. I was just thinking about how bad I just saved you guys back there. I was like, gah! Didn't panic.
I bet you're wondering how many times I've purged. How many times? I don't want to talk about it.
Anyway, super safe up there. Doors automatically lock. You guys will feel pretty secure. I'd be feeling that right now if I were, you know, on my own.
Okay. What do you want us to say? Yeah, man. What do you want us to be way more thankful to you than we actually need to be? Like, you found us. Shh. Shut your faces. Did you hear that? Guys! There's free office! Good night, bitch boy, Roy. You're welcome. Jesus Christ, dude! That was our friend!
This whole thing is fucked! Don't you guys see how fucked all this is?
You're gonna lose friends along the way! I'm sorry! I bet this guy wouldn't blame you, though. He's gonna blame you! You're the one who killed him! He just killed me.
Okay. That's the story we want to go with so you guys feel better about what happened. Fine. I'll take one for the team. Anyway, I was remembering earlier about how that guy jumped out and tried to fucking kill you and I stopped him from doing it. God, I feel like I'm out here kicking ass and you guys don't even fucking care! Okay, yeah. I think we're just gonna go out in our own... Yeah, you're kind of a loose cannon, so... Alright. Let's see how far you little dipshits get without me, then. Alright, bye. See ya.
Doesn't even know what he's doing yet. What are you doing?
Are you following us? You guys following me?
You guys are a couple of fucking shitheads and you need to listen up. I'm tired of playing Mr. Nice Guy Patty Cake Give the Dog a Bone, because I'm the only thing that's keeping you guys alive, you understand me? So from now on, what I say goes. You ever seen one of those before? A gun? You guys are smarter than you look, that surprised me. Skinny looks stupid and blondie looks even stupider. Here's a tip. Point that end at what you want to die and squeeze the trigger until it clicks.
Capiche?
Yes. I gotta get your fucking skinny no good asses upstairs to the seventh floor before the real bad boys come out to play. And let me tell you something about these guys. They can smell a pussy from a mile away and you two, pardon me, are the biggest candy ass pussies to ever walk God's green earth. Let's go. Ooh, I bet there's other office supplies on the floors. Nice. Perch, perch, perch, perch is the word.
Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
dropout | 24_the_unaired_1994_pilot | Something's wrong, Nina. It's been too long.
Page it. Jack might need to disarm it manually. Email in the bomb schematics. Oh, it's found a room of 50 kilobytes. Jesus. Just print it out and we'll send a bike messenger. And the disarm code?
The glucose is dry, trying, and carting down. Nina!
Jack, the schematics file is too big to email. How big? Three floppies. Is it printing?
Nina, there's a bomb in there! It's gonna go off!
Get up there. We'll talk in America online. Sure. Town Hall 23.
George, you picked up while I was doing the internet. Adam, find Jack with your escape path on side-screens. Go to AOL Keyword Maps.
Is that a channel, sir? It's under the Go menu. Move! George, pick up the phone again. Yeah. We just received a VHS name. It could be Lee. Well?
Dammit, Nina, there's a bomb that's gonna go off. Press stop, then rewind.
Okay. He's saying that the access code is...
We should cross-reference the video imagery with the photos from the stakeout. They're at CVS, being developed. I ordered you to take Polaroids.
Do you accept the collect call, though? Nina, Jack, I need the disarm code. Yes, I accept. Mr. President, we have the disarm code for Agent Bauer.
Get seat to you on the line. No! What's on the video? There's a mole inside CTU. I have to call your back. Nina! Dammit!
I can see him. He's hacking into the mainframe. We just installed Windows 3.1. There's no way! He's in!
Bogus! What's been compromised?
Prodigy's down. He's got total control of our Geocities page.
God help us. I need the disarm code now!
Got it. Welcome. You got time, Nina. File's done. It's done. Hey, listen, Nina.
About that mole. I gotta go, Jack. Why? We're paying for the internet. By the hour. Goodbye. |
cracked | 1_2_08_news_on_cracked_hannah_montana_dennis_kucinich | It's January 2, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and it rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again. An Associated Press story yesterday revealed that actor Tom Bosley is still going strong at age 80 and will be appearing in a new television movie made for the Hallmark Channel. This story confirms persistent rumors that New Year's Day is a really, really slow news day. A Texas mother who lied about her spouse dying in Iraq in order to win her daughter's four tickets to a sold-out Hannah Montana concert has denied that she was trying to fool anyone. Just like, honestly, I've never tried to fool my wife into thinking I don't wish Hannah Montana was two years older so that I could legally dream about smearing her with butter. And then slowly, ever so slowly. I believe you, Texas mom.
Kabeesh. iJustine. Thanks, Justine. Well done, as always. Pretend presidential candidate Dennis the human pixie Kucinich has urged aisle caucuses who support him to move their support to Barack Obama instead in the definite guaranteed event that Kucinich doesn't get enough voters. He's also recommended that Barack be videotaped engaging in coitus with Kucinich's his own bizarrely attractive wife. That's an interesting political decision. I didn't see that one coming, if you will. I will.
Letterman and Leno both returned to the airwaves tonight. Letterman, of course, will have a staff of writers thanks to a last-minute deal between his company and the striking Writers Guild of America. Leno, on the other chin, will be hosting The Tonight Show unscripted with no jokes written for him. Leno has beaten Letterman in the ratings every week since 1995 when Hugh Grant appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno to apologize after being arrested with L.A. horror Divine Brown, filleting him. Now that Leno has no writers, his show is expected to harken back to those Hugh Grant days and suck even more dick than usual.
That's it for today's edition of the News On Cracked. Check back tomorrow, or there will be six more weeks of winter. |
SaturdayNightLive | american_girl_cafe_snl | And some more tea for Clarabelle. But make sure Clarabelle knows it's very hot, okay?
Okay. thank you. thank you. Hi there. welcome to American Girl Cafe. I'm Shane. I'll be taking care of you this afternoon.
I still see you're waiting on some folks. nope. gang's all in. Okay. so you're not waiting for your daughter or a niece? Nope. just me and the girls. this is Claire. that's Isabelle. okey-dokey.
Um, I always start by asking if there are any food allergies I should be aware of. no, but this one is doing Keto right now. Okay. and are you allowed within a thousand feet of a school? Yes. Why?
Just a standard question. we ask all of our patrons. can I start you out with something to drink? Um, a glass of Rose. I'll need a drink to get me through lunch with these two drama queens.
Okay, wonderful. I just need to see your Id. so sorry. they make us ask everyone. thanks. And so you don't have any other names you use, right? this is the name that would appear on any online court documents or registered on any government list. that's the one. But the only list you'll find me on is the hungriest customer list. right. Okay. shall I bring you some menus, then? No need. I already know what I want. I'll have a 64-ounce port house. rare. Okay.
So, unfortunately, we do not serve giant steaks here. it's just a cafe. Oh, well, we'll need menus, then. But Fyi, don't bring out any kids menus for the girls.
Isabelle just had her period, and she thinks she's a woman now. thank you for telling me that. let me just take a quick look under here. make sure you're not aroused. No? Oh, clear. okay. I'll be back shortly. Hi. my daughter's shy, but she wanted to know if your dolls wanted some of her pizza. thanks. but no thanks. they don't need the calories, and, frankly, neither does your daughter. what did you say to me? the truth, honey. Bye now.
Hi there. I'm Lucy, the manager. just a safety thing we do here. you might always be keeping both hands on the table just so we know you're not doing anything inappropriate under there. Sorry, it's a vestige of the Covid era. Enjoy. Wow. how cool is this, sweetheart?
I hope Logan is hungry. uh-oh. check your makeup, girls. Boy alert. um, is there a reason that your dolls are looking at us, sir? you bring a stud like that in here, he's gonna turn a few heads. Yeah. excuse me. yes? the gentleman at that table? Oh, he is here alone, but he seems to be harmless. so he's not. arouse? No, I checked. okay. and you're sure he's harmless because I really don't like what he's doing right now. Isabel says she was hot, but I think she just wanted to show her body off. Yeah, he talking about showing off the body of a doll. that's not my favorite thing I've heard today. he's coming over here, Okay? let the flirting begin. don't worry. she's on the pill. there he is. can you. hi. yeah. hey, what's up? uh, Lucy said we have a possible creeper in here. yeah, over there. huh. All right. don't worry, sir.
I'm on it. Thank you so much. Yes. hey, listen up, pervert. you know anything shady in here, we're gonna have a problem, you understand me? What did you just say to me? the truth, Honey. the truth. the truth. the truth. |
cracked | how_to_woo_your_crush | And welcome back students, teachers, administrators, auditors, custodial staff, and the animals passing by the window to another episode of the Cracked Advice Board providing you as always with the information and it's necessary. My name is Dr. Winston Cohn and I am an advice expert. Now assisting me today will be my unadopted sister Cassandra.
What would you do if I told you that your crush could be yours in a matter of weeks if you only follow my simple advice? You'd do it. You're so desperate for love. It's pathetic.
Well, even you can score a BF or GF. The first thing you need to do is get to know your crush. Any good relationship is based on understanding. Learn everything you can about your new potential mate. Now, armed with your new info, engage your crush in conversation.
Oh, hey Rick. Oh, hey Cassandra. You know, I've been meaning to say that I love the way you work here, are black, have a large penis, and own a dog. Thanks Cassandra. That's sweet. Try making a physical contact. Perfect.
Now that your crush has gotten to trust you, it's time for step eight. Use your pheromones. Now, in order to use your pheromones, you must first distill them through a process called pheromone milking. Now's about time for you to apply your pheromones to your crush's personal items and get ready. Now if your crush still isn't biting after smearing his phone with your sexy eye milks, it may be time for the misery tactic. Invite your crush over to your house with mysterious intentions.
Hey Cassandra, you wanted to talk to me about something unspecified? I'm so pleased you could make it. The film's dramatic tension will surely bring the two of you closer together, and the Academy Award winning performance by Kathy Bates is something you'll be talking about for years to come. Try to remember folks, love is a battlefield, and it's a battle fought with mind and heart, emotion and mallet. Now if you're just tuning in, I am Dr. Kone. |
dropout | inside_teddy_roosevelt_s_oval_office_in_360 | President McKinley has been... assassinated. God damn it. Every time the president dies, we get stuck with some turd of a vice president. Who is it now? Uh, Theodore Roosevelt? Oh, Theodore.
That's good, right? Listen up, pussies! I'm in charge now! And if any of you have a problem with that, you can't talk to my big stick! Or the slightly smaller one. Heh heh, dick joke. Hot dog meat! Ugh! There's a hair in here! It gets grosser. Keep going. We need to inspect meat. All food! Here I am, too! Smile! Okay. Closer. One this way. That's great stuff, Mr. Roosevelt. Hey, hand me that thing, will ya?
Football is entirely too dangerous! I demand we change the rules!
I don't know about this deal. I don't know about you. Who the heck are you, anyway?
Pulitzer, sir. Joseph Pulitzer. A name no one will hear of ever, ever again!
Outta here! Hey, hold that! Yes, sir. Ooh! Nice desk! Alright, next order of business.
Minimize the power of big business and all that. But sir, I thought you were a Republican. Damn. You see, Republicans love big government during this period of time. You see, America's weird. Excuse me one moment.
Hey! Russia! Japan! Call it, will ya?
Hug it out. I said hug.
Very good. Tighter. That's nice. Alright, now let's pose for a picture. Hey, wait that guy. Oh, that's right.
I kicked him out! Well, in my words, Russia and Japan will never fight again.
Yes, sir. Mr. President, you've been reelected for a second term. Also, here's a Nobel Peace Prize for that primo Russian Japanese stuff. Hey, that's pretty great. Hold that, will ya? Ooh, I just thought of a great idea. Okay. All currency should be coins.
What do you think? Mr. President, we fucked up and now the economy is about to collapse. What? What happened?
Uh, this whole thing with copper and then... Oh, well, it's boring. But anyway, long story short, it was an easily avoidable sequence of events caused by greed and a lack of banking regulation.
So if you could fix it, that would be great. Bigger slack! Hey, fuck you!
We shouldn't have allowed banks to have this much power in the first place! Re-establish a federal bank! Plus the trust for monopolies! Square deal for all!
There, but doesn't help us now. Alright, I'm just trying to...
It is us! Legendary Richmond J.P. Morgan and John D. Rockefeller. Here to save the day with our extraordinary wealth. I love bankers! That's right, you do. We'll use our own money to help save the banks if you, President Roosevelt, help us out by totally ignoring your own rules about monopolies.
You know, just for a little bit. Just for a little bit.
Alright, well just this once, but then you'll totally support our anti-trust deal, right? Yes, of course, of course, of course, definitely. 100%! So, we want Taft to be president now, because he wanted to feel with our businesses, and that's what we like as Republicans now.
Bye-bye! What?! Ha-ha, those are the Republicans I know. Whatever, I don't need you guys. I'm gonna go hunt rare animals in Africa. Suck a dick, Taft!
First order of business, I'm going to need a larger bathtub. You'll probably have to make one, because I'm larger than life.
Second, I'm going to need a porterhouse steak. No, two, three porterhouse steaks every morning for breakfast. Yes! That's a lot of steaks here. Yes, exactly.
Mark my words, you are going to regret the regulating Wall Street! Ha! You think a bullet can stop me? Nice try, pussies! Teddy, out! |
TheOnion | Thousands_Of_Girls_Match_Description_Of_Missing_Sorority_Sister | Police in Columbus say they are no closer to tracking down Jessica Hagan, the Ohio State sophomore and member of Kappa Alpha Theta sorority, who was reported missing 10 days ago. After releasing a description of Jessica, who was last seen wearing a tank top, UGG boots, and blue Victoria Secret pajama pants with the word PINK written across the back, authorities received over 13,000 tips, all of which have only led police to other students matching that exact description. Authorities issued a more detailed profile earlier today in the hopes of narrowing down the search. Jessica has artificially whitened teeth, frequents college bars in the area, and has a small tattoo of a cross on her foot even though she isn't really religious. Sorry, this is not helpful at all. Authorities have also learned that Ms. Hagan responds to Jessica, Jess, J-Bitch, and J-Slut, but really gets mad if you call her Jessie. This new information has helped narrow the search to 12,386 leads and has helped police in sorting through the hundreds of girls who have turned themselves in thinking they might be Jessica. I saw on the news that they were looking for a nutritional sciences major who has side bangs and loves America's Next Top Model, so I called the police and I told them that I was fine.
I just keep thinking that could have been me, you know? Was it?
The social committee from Jessica's sorority spoke to reporters this week showing their support for their missing sister. Jessica, we love you, bitch! For now, police are following the latest lead as several witness Jessica with a fellow student at Ohio State. Either this man, this man, this man, this man, or this man. Police hope to aid the search by releasing Jessica's complete DNA sequence by next week saying, quote, at a certain point it literally becomes the only way to tell. Just ahead, the Huffington Post has launched a new print edition featuring articles torn out of other newspapers. |
cracked | 5_background_characters_that_deserve_their_own_movies | Every good movie has a cast of memorable characters. Han Solo, Legolas, Mac from Predator. But what about the characters that don't get a lot of screen time? All the background characters that are forced to just stand around and fill out the scenery while the heroes trade gunfire and witty dialogue. They only have a few brief moments to burn their faces into the collective memory of every audience member. And some of them do that job so goddamn well that I'm going to talk about them for the next seven or eight minutes.
Guy, there's a can at John Malkovich and being John Malkovich. Being John Malkovich is the quintessential movie about climbing through tiny doors that magically grant you the ability to test drive John Malkovich like a Hyundai Elantra. After one such episode of Dirty John Cusack hijacking his brain, John Malkovich comes to his senses on the side of a highway in the middle of the night, just as a pickup truck comes rumbling by him. And then this happens. Think for a moment, if you will, about the confluence of events that just played out in that split second. A guy was riding in the passenger seat of his buddy's pickup, bouncing down the same stretch of highway that John Malkovich happened to be walking on. And that guy had to look up, spot John Malkovich ahead of them, recognize John Malkovich ahead of them, articulate the thought in his own mind that he feels a personal derision for John Malkovich, make a decision to express that derision to John Malkovich, decide that specific expression was to be to throw something at John Malkovich, have recently finished a canned beverage so that an empty can happened to already be in his hand, and then throw that can out the window at John Malkovich. All within the half second it took to pass John Malkovich on the highway. Make no mistake, that guy's entire life was leading up to that one glorious moment in which he got to throw a mostly empty beer can at the back of John Malkovich's head. What could happen to make him so angry, and specifically so angry at John Malkovich? Was he just hugely bummed out by the man in the iron mask? Maybe he watched in the line of fire and thought John Malkovich was actually trying to kill the president. And he just kept that plan of action in his holster for years, on the off chance that one day he should happen to pass John Malkovich while riding shotgun on the highway on a weeknight.
That's like the saddest opera ever written. We only got to see two seconds of it.
The old guy in Waterworld. I don't really remember much about Waterworld, it came out 20 years ago, Kevin Costner drank his own pee, we never really forgave him for it. One of the only things that sticks out in my mind is the scene where Dennis Hopper's eye flies out of his head. Because why not? We're on a planet made of water, the earth is ruled by whale sharks, Costner's got gills, might as well give Dennis Hopper a f***ing crazy eye that just shoots out of his head. The other thing I remember is that Dennis Hopper keeps a pet old person inside an oil tanker. And when Kevin Costner blows it up later in the movie, it looks like this for some reason.
We only see this guy one other time in the movie. We have attached nothing to his plight. If the explosion hadn't stopped long enough for him to deliver that line, I would have forgotten he was down there. Never would have thought about that old guy again. Instead, thanks to his impeccable comedic timing, he's virtually the only thing I remember about this pile of ridiculous nonsense.
So what's the story of his life? Did Dennis Hopper catch him in an old man trap and put him to work? Or did he just speak up at the wrong meeting and earn Dennis Hopper's eternal ire? Either way, in a world full of people living s***y lives, his life is the absolute s***iest, and that is fascinating to me. It seems like his job is just to constantly measure how much oil they have left in that tanker. And then report that information back to Dennis Hopper, whenever Dee Hopps happens to fling open that hatch and ask. The rest of his time is his own, to spend however he chooses. And I cannot imagine what he does with it.
I'd rather watch three hours of that than one more second of Kevin Costner's improbable hairline. This f***ing maniac and sleepy hollow! Long before it became a spell to cast instant resentment, putting Tim Burton and Johnny Depp's names together in a sentence used to be a way to describe really great movies. One of which is Sleepy Hollow, a reimagining of the classic Washington Irving story about a men's rights activist who dresses up as a ghost to scare a cowardly schoolteacher away from his girlfriend. The Tim Burton version recasts Ichabod Crane as a cowardly police inspector at the turn of the century, who spends his introductory scene fishing a dead body at the Hudson River for Lord High Chancellor of the Police, who emphatically tells Ichabod that there will be no autopsy and instructs my favorite character in the entire movie to wheel the body away and burn it.
Burn it? Yes, sir. What's the meaning behind that reaction? What is that face? You saved that face for winning the super toy run, not for committing the next several minutes of your life to inhaling the stench of burning human.
His day leading up to that moment must have been haunting. He's clearly the villain in an entirely different Victorian murder mystery, probably also starring Johnny Depp. Two different movies intersected here, and I want to see what happens in the one starring a guy who cannot wait to set dead bodies on fire.
The Dancing Kid and Twin Peaks. Twin Peaks was that show your parents watched about the lovable special agent Dale Cooper trying to solve the murder of teenage Laura Palmer in the idiosyncratic logging town that gives a show its name. It's due for revival season next year because Santa Claus took 30 years to answer my letter. The show is a brainchild of David Lynch, a man who is so famous for being odd that his name is used as a shorthand for things that are just f***ing bananas. And Twin Peaks does not disappoint. It's a film noir soap opera with a relentlessly earnest lead character, and the tone of the show goes from chillingly dark to broadly comedic frequently and without warning. One such moment comes pretty early on in the pilot episode when Laura's high school friends are rushing off to class. After exploding into our lives with the greatest conceivable introduction, we never see this character again. In the Twin Peaks universe, that kid doesn't know he's on a television show.
Nobody was looking at him. He wasn't doing that for anyone's benefit but his own. Unless he danced out of that hallway, his whole morning was meaningless to him. So is he just dancing out of rooms?
Is that his thing? I think it's good for him if it is. It's a hell of a decision to commit to as a teenager in high school. Most people decide to be leather jacket guy or headphones guy. He's a guy who grooves in and out of every room like a 1930s cartoon character, and he owns it.
Two of his superior officers get strangled to death right in front of him by his magic supervisor. One of those strangulations happens over a videophone. Darth Vader can choke people on TV. You can't even see his face!
That's a hell of a lot of stress to be carrying around with you every second of every day working on an Imperial flagship Star Destroyer. And while all this insane bullshit and on-the-job murdering is going on around him, he never looks anything but chilled the fuck out. He's holding it together. Piat's just a company man trying to keep his head down and earn a pension. Maybe he's got kids. Maybe there's a family cottage in a boo he's looking forward to retiring to. All he has to do is stay on Vader's good side.
And he does it! Somehow! He does it!
He stays alive through two whole movies under the constant watchful eye of Darth Vader's aggressive form of performance review. But then, in Return of the Jedi, he gets blown up by goddamn terrorists. It's like Ernie Hudson making it all the way to the end of Leviathan and then getting drowned by the monster in the last two minutes. They're making a million Star Wars movies.
Why not give us an Admiral Piat movie? Dude's earned it. Hey guys, thanks for watching the video. Go down below and subscribe, like, all that good stuff. And let me know in the comments what your favorite background movie character is that maybe I didn't mention in the video. There's one that I really wanted to get to, but I didn't.
It's in Cliffhanger. You know, in the scene where Stallone drops the lady in the very beginning, and they cut over to Michael Rooker and this old guy who are like trying to help pull her across. And the old guy stand there just like, we're making a movie! Just the biggest, dopiest grin on his face while this lady falls into a fucking canyon. And the one starring a guy who cannot wait to set dead bodies on fire.
The Dancing Kid in Twin Peaks. Twin Peaks was that show your parents watched about the lovable special agent Dale Cooper trying to solve the murder of teenage Laura Palmer in the idiosyncratic logging town that gives a show its name. It's due for revival season next year because Santa Claus took 30 years to answer my letter. The show is a brainchild of David Lynch, a man who is so famous for being odd that his name is used as a shorthand for things that are just fucking bananas. And Twin Peaks does not disappoint. It's a film noir soap opera with a relentlessly earnest lead character. And the tone of the show goes from chillingly dark to broadly comedic, frequently and without warning. One such moment comes pretty early on in the pilot episode when Laura's high school friends are rushing off to class. After exploding into our lives with the greatest conceivable introduction, we never see this character again. In Twin Peaks universe, that kid doesn't know he's on a television show.
Nobody was looking at him. He wasn't doing that for anyone's benefit but his own. Unless he danced out of that hallway, his whole morning was meaningless to him. So is he just dancing out of rooms?
Is that his thing? I think it's good for him if it is. It's a hell of a decision to commit to as a teenager in high school. Most people decide to be leather jacket guy or headphones guy. He's a guy who grooves in and out of every room like a 1930s cartoon character. And he owns it.
Two of his superior officers get strangled to death right in front of him by his magic supervisor. One of those strangulations happens over a video phone. Darth Vader can choke people on TV. You can't even see his face!
That's a hell of a lot of stress to be carrying around with you every second of every day working on an Imperial flagship Star Destroyer. And while all this insane bullsh** and on-the-job murdering is going on around him, he never looks anything but chill the f*** out. He's holding it together. Piat's just a company man trying to keep his head down and earn a pension. Maybe he's got kids. Maybe there's a family cottage in a boo he's looking forward to retiring to. All he has to do is stay on Vader's good side.
And he does it! Somehow! He does it!
He stays alive through two whole movies under the constant watchful eye of Darth Vader's aggressive form of performance review. But then, in Return of the Jedi, he gets blown up by goddamn terrorists. It's like Ernie Hudson making it all the way to the end of Leviathan and then getting drowned by the monster in the last two minutes. They're making a million Star Wars movies.
Why not? Why not give us an Admiral Piat movie?
Dude's earned it. Hey guys, thanks for watching the video. Go down below and subscribe, like, all that good stuff. And let me know in the comments what your favorite background movie character is that maybe I didn't mention in the video. There's one that I really wanted to get to, but I didn't. It's in Cliffhanger.
You know, in the scene where Stallone drops a lady in the very beginning and they cut over to Michael Rooker and this old guy who are like trying to help pull her across. And the old guy stand there just like, we're making a movie! Just the biggest, dopiest grin on his face while this lady falls into a fucking canyon. |
SaturdayNightLive | adam_driver_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Treiber! thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I'm so excited to be back! Especially, I have to say, especially during this time of year, I love Christmas. it's my favorite holiday, the food, the music, the family. but largely it's because I have a very deep and personal relationship with Santa. And every year I make my Christmas list and I tell it to him, It's kind of our ritual, and usually I do it in private, you know, but since we're here and I know Santa watches Snl, he hasn't liked it since Catan left. But if you don't mind, I'd like to make my Christmas list right now, if that's okay. I'll take that. the piano is part of the ritual. he loves hearing me play and it's actually me playing. can we get a close-up of my hands? See, they're very big, very big hands. and that's pretty good, huh? Okay, thank you. if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to Santa now. Hey, Santa! All right, we're on Tv. Hey, Santa. it's me, Adam. driver. from the nice lists. and also girls. I turned 40 this year, Santa. so I'd like five pairs of Chinos.
I also wanted one of those giant metal Tesla trucks. I think it would pair perfectly with my teeny tiny micro penis.
Oh, and I'd like people to stop coming up to me on the street saying, you Killed Han Solo. I didn't kill Han Solo. Wokeness Killed Han Solo.
Let's see, what else do I want? Oh, you know those tiktoks where it's like those couples who do pranks on each other? can you kill those people? Okay, I was just going to say, now it's part of the ritual where I play oh holy Night while making unbreakable eye contact with the camera. actually, that's really hard. I'm not going to do that anymore. Oh, you know what I want for Christmas? it's a gingerbread house. hey, do you think a gingerbread man gets scared when he realizes that the house is made of his own skin? that's a cute one. you can tell your kids that one. Oh, I should also say, as an aside, another thing I love about Christmas is egg nog. it's my favorite way to have egg. whenever I go to a diner and they say, how would you like your eggs? I say, nog.
Okay, well, Santa, thank you for listening. I look forward to you breaking into my house. Oh, and actually, I totally forgot. I got you a gift this year. it's my new movie Ferrari, which opens Christmas Day. you're welcome. Merry Christmas, Santa, Big Finish. Merry Christmas, Santa. |
SaturdayNightLive | fast_fashion_ad_snl | Shimu, fast fashion from China, buy online now, style for less, way less, unbeatable prices, dress, ten dollars, shoes, Five dollars, How? so cheap, don't worry about it, men's t-shirt, three dollars, not made with forced labor, okay, modern styles, designer dupes, no prisoners involved, did there used to be or something, why bring that up, tank tops, 399, new merch daily, fresh fits, no prisoners, normal number of working hours each week, so like 40 or or or what, don't worry about it, matching sets, 250, all workers paid, even ones with wrong religion, Wait what, Shimu, best factories, happiest workers, Oh wait, there's like a note sewn in my jacket, that's a thank you note from a happy worker, best materials, quality craftsmanship, premium fabrics with no lead, see that makes me think there is lead in this, no lead, good clothes, best prices, minimal lead, you said no lead, kind of smells like gasoline, Okay, this is giving shady, be real.
Is this shady, if it was, would you stop buying it, no, no, no, maybe, no, great, Shimu, don't worry about it, my shoe, |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Noah | Our family has been chosen for a great task, to save the innocent. The innocent? The animals.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be looking at the new movie, Noah, a rousing and visually ambitious epic that, if one looks just beneath the surface, can be viewed as a religious allegory for the New Testament and the story of Jesus Christ. Starring Russell Crowe in the titular role, Noah is the story of a man tasked with building a great ark to save his family from a destructive flood threatening to end civilization, a story which was clearly written intentionally to parallel the narrative of Jesus and his task to save all of mankind from the destructive nature of sin. In fact, filmmaker Darren Aronofsky goes to great lengths to present Noah as a classic Christ figure by layering the movie with occasional biblical undertones and even including imagery that strongly alludes to the gospels. Early in the film, Noah instructs his family on the task they must all undertake to survive the flood, just like Jesus instructs his followers about their salvation during his Sermon on the Mount. Aronofsky makes the movie's spiritual nuances even more evident with the giant wooden ark at the film's center, which is, of course, a clear representation of one of Christianity's most indispensable symbols, the crucifix. As Noah is continually challenged by God with the omnipotent deity meant to symbolize the Roman prefect Pontius Pilate, the perceptive viewer will recognize further allusions to the rest of the Bible, including a few references to the Old Testament. For example, the scene where Crowe's character and his family climb a hill together is a perfect, if indirect, analogue to Moses ascending Mount Sinai in the book of Exodus. And a scene later in the film where the ark is assailed by a veritable flood of people serves as a clever allusion to the story of the Great Flood as depicted in the book of Genesis. In a film as symbolically dense as this one, however, there are some elements that don't seem to have a biblical counterpart. Specifically, what exactly is Aronofsky trying to get across with the running plotline throughout the film in which Noah has been instructed by God to gather two of every animal onto his ark? Maybe the animals are meant to symbolize the beasts referenced in the book of Daniel. Or perhaps they represent the disciples that flock to Jesus to hear the word of the Lord. I think audiences will be left coming up with their own interpretations for this portion of the film. In the end, just like past films, The Last Temptation of Christ and Jesus of Nazareth, I believe Noah is a unique adaptation of the story of Jesus Christ. Though it may seem to be little more than a fun adventure film at first blush, the rich symbolism will truly draw viewers into the story of the Gospels.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | gluten_free_duck | Hi, I'm sorry, uh, do you have anything gluten free? Like a brown rice tortilla or maybe some quinoa crackers? I am totes not trying to be high maintenance or anything, but like I can't eat gluten. Yeah, no see the thing is I'm pretty sure I have a gluten intolerance. I read this pamphlet about it at hall foods, changed my life. Is this buckwheat based? I can eat buckwheat, just not barley, rye, spelt or couscous. I just, like, feel better, you know, when I don't eat gluten. Like, if I eat a huge bowl of pasta, I get gassy. White bread is like horrible for you, like not trying to be a dick, thanks for feeding us or whatever, but seriously it's poison. Seriously, seriously, don't eat gluten for 30 days and tell me how great you feel. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, but everyone should be gluten free. Is there cheese on there? Cause I'm also kind of lactose intolerant.
We just were made to eat so much grain. Cave ducks ate mostly algae and swamp grasses. Do you have any swamp grasses? Sorry, it's just like I would have brought some millet muffins from home if I knew you weren't going to be diet inclusive.
I don't understand what that duck's saying, but it sounds dumb. Hi, my name is Gloria Swanson. I know that voice was annoying, but it's not actually my real voice. This is my real voice.
Click me to rate and subscribe. |
dropout | if_youtube_held_the_hunger_games_clip_from_bad_internet_ep_4 | I think it's called a tumor. There's a ton of them, but don't worry. They're all like 30 and out of shape I'm Lizzie Beth makeup and lifestyle 10 million subs.
What's your channel? Oh, I don't have it I just opened my account three years ago to comment on a video of a goat talking. So you're not even a youtuber So what are you doing on the showdown?
My sister is sick. I was hoping this would raise money for her treatment Didn't think it would be like this How about you I signed up just like everybody else.
It's not like I want to be murdering my fellow youtubers The exposure is amazing. Hey guys, this is a collab between me my new friend Amy She helped me take out college humor now besides us There's three other YouTube channels left chef Sarah cooking tutorials gooths the annoying gamer and joko comedy They have over 50 million subscribers and they also won the first showdown so much for why they're here Just as a reminder our third album and fourth book are still on Sale and our new joko bro jokes. Commie tour is going on this fall. That's right. Only 85 bucks Guess what? There's plenty of tickets left Hello, I'm Siobhan from college humor. Thanks for watching that clip from bad internet You can watch the whole thing over on YouTube red or you can wait a couple of years until it's rebooted with a younger hotter cast I love showbiz |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_film_critic_terry_fink_s_2022_oscars_predictions_snl | It's officially Oscar season and here to give his predictions for Hollywood's biggest night is film critic Terry Fink. Mr. Joe's Tis a privilege to be back, my Sir Terry.
I I understand you've seen every single film up for an Oscar this year. is that right? Bingo-hos and every film not nominated to it's been one heck of a 48 hours. I'm sorry. you watch every single movie from this year in the last two days. how is that even possible?
First up my pick for best flick: Power of the Dog. Who let this dog out of the closet? That's the question posed by Director Jane Campion in this hysterical gay western. Cumberbatch Rides High as the titular dog, the Bounty Hunter. That is, until bizarrely stepping through the screen just to make fun of my undies and the voice of my middle school boy. Aside from that, it's the best movie I've ever seen. Yeah, Power the Dog isn't about Dog the Bounty Hunter.
And you realize Lsd isn't a vitamin. it's a hallucinogen. You say tomato? I say balls wall?
Next up in animation. Fun for the whole familia. and Canto feels worse than being on fire. Hand drawn by the legendary Auteur, the Zodiac. Killer, gray, throbbing stress. The Stress Dream does Dragon Spots, but local gangster rapper Lin-manuel, Samantha once again with his catchy hit. twelve hours of screaming.
This film warmed my heart, broke my brain, and sold my kidney for dogecoin. I given Canto Ten tiny, terrified Terry's Mr. President Terry. I gotta say, I'm really starting to worry about you and I'm starting to worry. there is no Terry that's a lobby. Oh oh, yeah, okay. Next up my pick for best original screenplay: Kenneth Branagh's Belfast. Get the tissues ready as Johnny Knoxville and his band of idiots bop around town and torture each other's balls in this Troubles era tearjerker, But it's Dame Judi Dench who literally soars as wee man shout out of a cannon directly into my open mouth? I couldn't stop laughing or crying or doing the nae nae until I was forcibly removed by Regal Cinema's strongest teens. I give Jackass Belfast 4d 20 twerking ticklish. Terry's Terry. You're Terry and you're a wonderful friend. Too bad. I'm gonna eat your face everyone. |
cracked | where_is_santa_claus_located_w_juniper_quorators_podcast | You hear that oh, I hear it. It's Christmas morning time to open your pod present Welcome to cracked.com Home of the fact This is the courageous podcast where your hosts Alex and Jeremy, I'm Alex Jeremy and it's Christmas morning And this is a podcast where we read Quora, and that's all you have to know about it What else do you need for Christmas right exactly usually just one podcast? And who's that voice you hear telltale jing jingling over the Over the online line why it's a very special guest all the way here from the web Itself we have juniper juniper welcome to the show hello Thank you for inviting me you guys invited me like a couple of months ago, and I just like didn't get back to you guys ever and Then I just like recently remembered like oh shit You know I should do that that sounds like a fun podcast to hop on and so thank you for like not hating my Guts after just like ghosting you guys for like two months now. We wanted to have you on at Christmas To make sure that lined up So what did you go through like three accounts? It's that like I don't know more than that more than it's like a couple accounts have lasted like Like like less than a day So like at least five at least five or six if listeners don't know juniper is somewhat of the Grinch of x.com Moving from one heist to the next on this storied website Yeah, yeah, no you could call me a Grinch. I'm kind of Grinch coded for like a certain type of X the everything app formerly known as twitter.com user But no it's it's like okay, you know I meant it it only the most positive respect. Yeah thought leader I Just like to be like a digital terrorist right that's like the most fun way to be online I think so I agree and the FBI agrees with me It's Christmas morning Juniper if you're not familiar with the show every week we go on Quora We bookend it by asking a question and then answering it at the start of the episode So we got to do that before we can properly Christmas it up in here Cuz we did not play into that at all last time No, and did not look at the calendar, but yeah as we all know if you're listening to the audio We're all wearing Santa hats yes, and we have big Jolly bellies, and we're laughing and it's a roaring fire And it definitely doesn't look like a shot that Isis uses to film a hostage video We're gonna execute the grid Real quick Juniper have you been on Quora calm before I have oh my god Yeah, I feel like a lot like everyone knows about Quora right so many people know about it It's the reason for this season To me it's like the the like an analog or like a colleague of Yahoo answers, right?
Yes, absolutely Yeah, and that's what's beautiful about it. I think so. It's one of the rare.
I don't know untouched ecosystems of the web Yeah, we're losing so much like we just lost omegle. We lost Yahoo answers a couple years back There's there's very few like old internet sites Remaining and I I don't know how old Quora is but in my mind.
It feels like one sure yeah, so many great stories Well we should begin with okay, I'm pretty much chomping at the bit to Christmas All right, well no one answered this question the question was is it okay to wear a leather vest at a nudist beach So I think it is I think it's fine. I think it's okay as long as your dick's out You're good to go whatever who cares Wait why would that be a bad thing like I feel like that's where you you like you bring out the leather chaps like the assless Chaps like that's where you take out that stuff right well if it's a nudist beach There's so many nudist users on Quora that we really thought that somebody would be like no absolutely no clothes allow What part of the nudism is important to them? Genitals out or is it like I have an aversion to cloth. I have pictured as an Adam and Eve type simulator Okay, wherein you are moved to a pre clothes world So there's like a nudist purists. There's like a New Age nudists you can have like the leather chaps or whatever Yeah, we should definitely deep dive more on the nudist cuz we did we had Brian on last week from guys Guys great show and he's we were reading these answers, and he's like nudists.
These are all guys These are a type of guys Categorizes everything he witnesses. Yeah, he just like immediately like recognizes. He's he's like he's watching prey In front of him he's like looks around the world.
He sees the life in like the matrix code I Wonder if there's like a conservative nudist out there who's like yeah, I'm not wearing clothes, but I still got I got my gun on me You would just have to be holding the gun all the time yeah Yeah, cuz it's not closed unless it if it's in your hands that actually does sound very primal in the way I'm into but Christmas morning Please this is Center activity. Yeah, we're not sinners on Christmas Absolutely, we have to accept that we bombed our Quora question and move on And no one on the website wanted to answer it Okay, this is a great first question speaking of the Grinch. Here's our question is the Grinch a good example of an unhealthy INFJ Okay, so I don't know the Myers-Briggs test as well as I could But the one I do know is int J. That's the big one right there, and that's the one for dark Geniuses that's right, and I did somewhat assume the Grinch folded into that category Although he is a being of action.
He is He's he's like he's just like a little birthday guy right. He's just like a little guy. Yeah. He's just nervous He's scared.
It's like we got Brian back on the I Deal a stick organized insightful dependable compassionate gentle seek harmony and cooperation enjoy intellectual stimulation So no, he's certainly certainly not He's he whips a dog to drag it down a mountain Yeah What a jerk are you familiar with the cannon? Relentlessly Low-key abusive I I'm gonna write up a post about him Was a fan of him before and now that's fucked up I have the receipts on the Grinch Being like did you know he did this I stole Christmas. I'm reading a letter from the Grinch Know that yeah, the Grinch is one of the characters. You're not supposed to idolize Problematic faves so wait you just closed the Myers. Oh, I'm sorry. There's a lot of other categories that this Grinch could fit into I'm going back to it. Which one do you like Alex?
I've heard is he an end to Jay and see the problem is Innovative independent strategic logical reserved insightful driven by original ideas to achieve Improvements, there's no dark genius. No, but an end to Jay is like an entertainment job And that's where the Grinch falls on his extrovert. I is introvert. He's certainly extroverted.
I don't know if you've seen the film It's true and they get and I hate to ha is judging that's certainly one of them. Yeah Judging all the Christmas trees and their wreaths in the hula hoo bahoos You watch it today Familiar with the Lord I wrote that whole season of my little show thing. Oh, that's right.
So I did extensive There's no answers on Quora for this one. No one had the courage to answer if You're asked it Here's interesting. So Sarah Shepherd is the name of the woman who asked this she's a home educator and Her profile says INTP, so she is not an info J. She's got her own thing going on intellectual logical precise reserved flexible imaginative kind of trying to Cast shade on it on the INTFs then that's right. All right. Well INFJs that's enough of that question The community was again afraid to answer this one as well So we'll have to get into at least one question to other people on Quora have seen Here's a better answer. This one has 96 answers. So we're in luck.
This question is Christ Merry Christmas Why have atheists never tried to attack Christmas trees? Okay And wait who's I'm history said terrorists atheists Or is it the same thing Merry Christmas? Sounds like the same thing there is once yeah in terms of Christmas tree attacks now in all of history I have never heard of a Christmas tree attack.
That's right. That's why they never expected The trees seem vaguely undefended and unassaulted There's gonna be like a 9-eleven of Christmas trees. The industry is gonna change Everything's gonna be different after that first time.
Yeah, they won't let you go to ice skating and Anymore unless you like go through security Yeah It is interesting Like if you abide by like the George W Bush narrative of 9-eleven of like why Osama bin Laden attacked you'd think he would be Attacking that's right Get rid of those bulbs The World Trade Center at Christmas Histories the Grinch did you ask yourself why three planes shot down? slaves Over Christmas 3,000 souls lost in Whoville They're all in a snowflake that's one of the fucked up things about the Grinch story is that again, we're back No, hold on you have okay. You need to explain are they like real tiny people on a snowflake? Yeah, that's precisely the whole day fucking what it is That's why you can live on a mountain that looks like that because it's like just how it's snowflake logic I need to do like a deep dive Can you make like a 10-hour video on a deep dive of the Grinch lore? I need to like know everything now I certainly can I Think you should We'll see if I have the time later. But yeah, you'd think you're on tumblr.com with all this snowflake logic Waiting in the wings 15 seconds there Glad that you held strong. Oh, thank Christ Speaking of which they met a lot today.
It's late. We don't usually record this way I'm so sorry. I I live in the Midwest work late hours. I'm so sorry for for ruining your guys's lifestyle Yeah, watching at home and maybe Christmas morning for you, but it is 3 a.m There are bags under our eyes outside our two jobless heathens I'm trying to see if there's any good Jeremy's perusing the chorus here I'm sure there's like this weird one where it says probably cuz Christmas trees don't start shit with us be more like Christmas trees And there's a picture of like a tough guy Holding a coffee bug and it says coffee doesn't ask me stupid questions in the morning.
Oh fuck. Yeah, who is this man?
That's that's Santa You can't tell cuz he looks normal but that's when it's not He just looks like some fucker Okay, so I'm gonna guess that all 95 comments are just people being quite rude I think as an atheist we should attack Christmas trees. It's not a bad idea. It's entertaining Yeah, it's like a reddit version of the weatherman. I think we should start When was this question asked because I'm assuming a lot of these questions are like old right Um Discourse doesn't happen too often like anymore. Like no one's talking about atheism anymore on quora.com. You'd be surprised We're reddit atheism migrated to yeah, I guess so Yeah, this is a new somebody's seen all the events in the Middle East this year and said in another thing Attack the Christmas sometimes we find questions that are like ten years old, but this one is from like four days ago Oh my god, so this one is fresh hot discourse a hot core Yeah, attacking religious symbols is the wantonly silly kind of thing theists do we're not like that destroyed I don't know if you can hear our sound effects, but we're playing killing sir They're beautiful the halo the halo want to make sure those are going through for an audience of one Okay, I don't see any good ones people should attack Christmas trees, I want to see someone really like go for it Yeah, why are atheists like I'm an atheist but why like why are why is every atheist why do they try to be? So logical, why do they try to be so like reasonable? Why where are our Unhinged like Westboro Baptist Church Atheist, where are they? I think we lose them Satanism like if you're Anti Christianity you're like I'm gonna take this the full thing like I'm gonna burn these I'm gonna get talismans Really? Yeah. Yeah, we should show up at funerals with like God hates God hates theists signs or something some slur Like God parentheses not real hate we should attack all of the trees at funerals Get a message across a Divine atheist is now talking about are you just on all of the devices of mine atheists?
This is where it was posted Oh, this is a space. This is a space So if you're not familiar has spaces the way that reddit has subreddits But also there seems to be no rule on how many you can create and so people will just have like Dan's space Dan space three seven Incredible, yeah, this one's divine atheists doubt with purpose live with passion Wow, he's a big deal over there. Holy shit.
Yeah, this is a quora influencer Those are flying through his window, I'm sure he's gonna be worried. We're gonna all know his name soon. Oh, absolutely I know his name right now. It's divine The admins name is tamer That's what I found out. He's from Istanbul.
That's cool. And he studied finance at Baruch College. So he's somewhere in New York It's Christmas we know he's free I'm gonna find another question, please Okay, here's another Christmas question cuz guess what? They're all Christmas questions How do I tell my daughter that her family is not welcome in our Christmas dinner this year since she's not since they're not voting Republican This is a good one. Oh, yes.
Do you think this is real? Oh I choose to believe it is I kind of choose to live they all are there's there's as many like angry older Posters on here as there are like irony Quora podcasts like ourselves, so that's like 50-50 on it But I choose to believe this is like I want to get the messaging right for my godless child I feel like if you're trying to like to do misinformation like try to like fool people Why would you go to Quora first, right? Like there's so many different avenues There's so many easier places to go to so this this has to be real No one's doing it for like the bit on Quora.
No In terms of what you should tell your daughter and her family how about get fucked I think it's Trump 2024 No, I'm with him I'm with him too, he's got us laid on the law, that's right I got a tree and it's just a Mike Pence with a light bulb in his mouth and we make a light bulb Her family might attack the tree. Maybe she would be the first one He's just trying to secure his premises. I can't know that my tree is safe with you around With how you're planning to vote next year, this is crazy A year ago, so this is like far away from a presidential or it's midterm. This is a local political debate affecting Christmas Yeah, just happened after the midterms Republicans didn't really do very well, but like this is why yeah, that must have been what it was I feel like you've ruined the red wave No Christmas presents for you You've already decided that's more important to you for her to pledge devotion to that your chosen Political party than for her and her family to be with you during a holiday season That's meant to celebrate family togetherness generosity. Peace and love.
So why are you wasting time seeking phrasing tips from strangers?
Damn Oh, this is a great one. Okay, this is um This is from Papa's Mountain Is father of two transgendered teenagers and one non-binary He says Wow all caps tolerance runs strong with your family dot dot dot not Republican side because like if my family doesn't turn out to be all like traditionalist Maoists I don't know Last thing we need is an inter-party family You know, what if they're Stalinists that now because yeah, they can't come to Christmas anymore Look at this guy's photo Blurred his head just so bald it appears to just reflect the light He's holding a big mug of something to his smiling conservative tears We know it's tears of some kind because it's a form of Papa Papa's love tears, by the way, don't they folks? Yeah, if you live in Oregon go to Papa's Mountain fabrication fabrication you can do whatever that is, okay Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna make the pilgrimage Check out metal work custom metal work. That's cool as hell.
I love doxxing people He says I'm really glad I'm not part of your family serious that seriously though If you're not welcoming your family because they didn't vote Republican you've got some serious issues to work out Congratulations on cutting yourself off from the rest of your family. I'm gonna play the Godzilla Sam Because of how badly he's getting Love the idea of getting dogpile to unlike a question website like this Like it's not even like a social media in like the same way that like Twitter or like Instagram is but like he's still getting Cooked in the quote tweets. Yeah, he's getting ratioed. They're dragging your ass and the answers to your question El El was ratio hold this mean woman Oh Edmund O'Donnell says you put a big sign on your lawn that says I'm a Republican asshole who wants to impose my views on others Yeah, I would say something like ding-dong bitch Christmas is canceled.
That's what I would say. This is my own daughter. I'm Doug cancel culture yet again comes for A yet another instance it gets them the other way goes both ways. That's right. That's reverse.
Welcome to evil Papa's Mountain Papa's Grinch Mountain Wait, what is the name of the Grinch Mountain? I definitely have this in here A victim of cancel culture or did he engage in cancel culture? He tried to be engaged in cancel culture, let me see himself was canceled, but that's what I'm saying Yeah, he was canceled the entire village He was just expressing his he was using his right to free speech To steal presents and the village came after him now It depends on the text we're working with right if you're going by the Jim Carrey Grinch They really go into the fact that the Grinch is like born evil Rejected for that If you go with like the 2014 or whatever Grinch that has like the Tyler the Creator song at the beginning that one has like the Grinch is misunderstood Which I am canonically against I think that is ever the creator song It's like you're racist against green people you think they're all ontologically evil I think which is a character the whole point is he's like a son of a bitch He's like that. It's not a misunderstanding his heart's too small. He's like made of eels or whatever I'm just I'm just trying to pick your brain about my my new essay about Grinch cancel culture And we will be doing the 10-hour video Now crumpet by the way is now crumpet it up. I wouldn't have got there I did I remember max Tyler the Creator does a Grinch theme song that we cannot play legally as this is crack calm home of the fact It's something like Yeah, he kind of gets funky with it check it out Close friend of the show Shout out to the little guys Tyler the Creator and the Grinch A little known people they collabed all of Wolfgang really yeah, which was part of odd future Big scene or all the Grinch Jasper There's so many more they got to get the Grinch on jackass all right He's gonna go down Mount crumpet It's too steep I Already read this core.
I'm so gotta whip your dog really hard to do that.
Oh, this is a really interesting question Where is Santa Claus located? Big fan of the phrasing here. It does sound just like somebody who's like Looking for him. There's somebody getting a text from Santa Claus and just like ah where is Santa Claus located?
There's like you're talking to your dad about Santa Claus But a quick reminder it is as far as I could tell and juniper tell me if I'm wrong the North Pole Uh-huh, I think that's right the North Pole the South Pole Penguins yeah, you can't really go to the North Pole. It's just water It's not we know I don't know the North Pole. This is there's water up there now. There's ice. What are you talking about? There is water I mean ice is water frozen water South Pole's where it's at dog I don't know.
What kind of South Pole Propaganda you could get the North Pole has ice Santa is located there coca-cola visits With bears that's right. They got those bears Stalin was exiled there for a bit Santa Claus represents good working values. He has a team of elves working for him. It's a good capitalist framework It's it's it's a good place up. There are good people good people the elves do not co-own If Santa Claus was in South Pole a different reality it might be a co-op sort of We're living in a North Pole Reality yeah, the North Pole is part of the West that's right Sorry if you're triggered, but it's crack.com and it's literally a fact Will never fire us We will be here forever forever Barricade yourself in the room People being mean right it's just people answering it. They're not even being mean They're just explaining the North Pole apparently one two to five Snowball Lane and elf village North Pole Oh, it's good to get number on it. But Jeremy I am curious how many of them are saying the North Pole is water He's backing you up on that one. I just want to get a number up there We got to send you up to the North Pole dude, I would love to like he's never left long I drink it all up Just thinks the whole world is mess up He thinks it's squams kit.
That's not a real one Flumsy flopsy Alright, here's another question. What gender is Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer? Okay, I love the idea of going to for to ask these questions because you can just google them Well, yeah But if you want to ask the people you want to get somebody like you need to be told it's like a judge Judy style people's response It's like creating reality like like there's no answer until Quora weighs in right? Yeah and again, like it depends on the Framework you're using here because the item the movie is very much like Rudolph is a young man. Here is his girlfriend reindeer. He is trying for the football reindeer team It is 1948 But it's not definitive in that way there's not to hear that says could be lesbians She could be a bunch, right? Yeah, absolutely Looking at Rudolph here and I see it We got Rudolph pulled up pull up Rudolph at home There's the comment here that says according to scientists Rudolph is a girl We are start teaching the controversy Apparently males shed their antlers before mid-christmas so he cannot be male Real scientists two months old or something. It doesn't look like he's full-grown and then there's a picture of Maya Rudolph And it says Maya Rudolph is a woman She has a distinguished comedic acting career probably best known for bridesmaids and eocracy, okay huge triggered Triggered by Maya Rudolph trivia. Yeah, that's right. She was on SNL bridesmaids From that one scene in MacGruber scientists say Maya Rudolph is a man Online scientists if you look at her antlers I love the casual name drop of all scientists, but My friend all scientists they told me Yeah, that's um, that's a pretty good percent 100% of scientists. I don't really think we're gonna get much more controversial than No, it's a girl yeah, can anybody top that I don't know Maybe magical reindeer are actually genderless.
Yeah, they have to they're you're either a boy or a girl. There's nothing That's it. I can accept that they can fly without wings, but they gotta be a boy or girl.
It's Santa's rules House which is again 1255 snowball lane On this podcast, holy fuck. Yeah, we will docks rude off the red nose, right? Yeah, I need to get in on this type of this this this lane cracked. We love it That's fucking awesome cracked is personally responsible for people putting their addresses on Go to these people's houses, please tell them you're a fan of our vodka check out Papa's Mountain.
It's normal to do it Again, yeah, baby, I should have followed him. We've only begun What's Papa's Mountain? That was the guy who answered me like tables. Yeah, he was the one who said He was the one who told the Republican guy to fuck off That's right, yeah, yeah, you know, I'm gonna I found him again and I'm following him where he's got 61 followers And one of them is Alex Patak. You should have more. I found him on your account Alex 16 amazing papa.
He's pop off. Yeah, exactly. Oh man pop off.
You have to change the name to pop off mountain All right, let's hit record a Good warm-up Okay, I got a great question this one's for Jeremy's out there why is Hanukkah often so closely associated with Judaism This is my favorite one. I think this is my favorite way This one is really really strong It's often nine times out of ten Jews love Hanukkah, I guess okay devil's advocate. It could be like in oil candle based holiday secular Sure, no magic allowed. Yeah This guy's watching holiday for the candelabra enthusiasts. Yes, exactly and just like miracles in general They won eight days We all love eight days.
Oh, yeah, and they're crazy nights. They're crazy night This guy watched like the Adam Sandler song was like this guy's obsessed with Jews. It's kind of weird Yes, a new character guy. He does not know Adam Sandler Like kind of doing a lot of voices like kind of like Jew face Sarah Silverman is the character Okay, Muslim Hanukkah, is that anything I'm shooting from the hip.
Can we get five minutes at a buzz?
What is it?
The thing is and this has come up multiple times on the show I have to learn one thing about Islam To finish any of these riffs Mark Lipschitz says considering it is a Jewish all-caps religious holiday Who else would be associated with? Seriously it was a Jewish holiday there for me to me It is associated with Judaism rather than any other group with whom it is not associated. It's me really I really want to know like who else This person thought this could have been associated with like in his mind like like he knew it was like somewhat Associated with Jewish people but like who else who else was he thinking odd future one night Yeah, I don't know it's a good question You just thought Hanukkah was like a cool pre-christmas holiday Is it always pre-christmas?
Never slide around the back.
I don't know Hey, welcome to the podcast on ago. What's your body count?
The Jewish calendar is different from the the normal calendar The normal ads calendar, okay, I didn't say it. So it's it shifts around a bit I don't know if it ever gets until like January. I don't know if it ever gets nasty I had a friend who did like Thanksgiving and then two days later just got his family back together It was like we're just doing Hanukkah now Because we're already all at the same place. Just do it again run it back Thanksgiving too is Hanukkah now.
I Should point out of that guy Mark Lipschitz I clicked on his profile and he is a horrifyingly Dickhead, I can't believe That's from three years ago, he answered the the Hanukkah question and now five million times a day he writes insane shit I'm assuming about how Palestine should be free right like stuff like insanely like really good stuff. Yeah insanely dope-ass shit And he searches the word Jewish I Guess is the same name as the fake doctor from Rugrats, which is really stuck. Yeah, dr. Lipschitz Oh, it's so fun, which I think they did as a joke.
They didn't know you're gonna run into mark that Mark's gonna get ya Cora. Hey, he doesn't mind.
I don't think there's any other answers here except people being like you fucking Yeah You know, sometimes they are troll questions I feel like that one might be right like There there can't be someone out there that didn't didn't realize that Hanukkah is like just like a Jewish holiday the only reason I would maybe say it could be real is most of the troll questions are either like Aggressively fake. Yeah some kind of content angle or are just like what if I fucking fucked my mom? It would be like my son thinks Hanukkah is Jewish should I stab him four thousand? Yeah, that would be we would be that would be a red flag. I'd be alerting a moderator You're right. This one was like too normal.
Yeah, it could be a child too educational Yes, you know I was gonna ask what's like the the demographic of Quora Is it is it like a lot of older people is it younger people like? By your guys's estimation, what's the what's the demographic here? I find and Jeremy tell me if this is your analysis But that it goes on the extremes of that where you have like if you're like a prime computer using age Person you're probably on a normal social media website But if you're very young or very old you might be getting like deep into pros creating Quora posts. Sure There are children and then like late 20s to like early 40s type people Not as many like for example We know Orson Scott card the sci-fi author is an active Quora user in this life on everyday answering posts.
Yeah Like it's suspended on Twitter again. I'm just gonna go to Quora. Yeah, it's so much better. It's so much more fun than Twitter The number of times I've logged on to Quora then have felt like bad about the world And they're terrible people on here don't get me wrong, but it's just the formats that are Twitter it's exactly like Twitter Yeah, I'll feel the exact same way The guy who asked this question is named Joshua Peter Vela and he has been banned I do not know why Probably for being fake and cringe.
Yeah, it's probably why yeah, it's me. What's your address Joshua Peter? Are you hiding please? I love that people put their addresses on this website. It's so funny to me City they live in yeah where they went to school. Yeah, where do they work where they work is the most egregious one It's like what if someone gets mad at you and then I don't work. It's it's a you know more civilized It kind of is yeah, like here's where I am. Come find me.
I don't think Hanukkah's real Merry Christmas, by the way is Christmas morning Okay. Well you were saying you want to learn more about Islam else? Yes. All right Well, here's a great question for you.
Is it haram for Muslims to make a snowman? If it was up to me I say no I say let him out there And they make the snowman into a living creature though. If you made a snowman then we're like, that's Muhammad. That would sure Rule 34 Snowman I don't know Juniper do you have strong thoughts about the Haram snowman question? Not not beyond just don't don't make Muhammad.
Just that's I feel like you're safe I is the only way to mess it up. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's that can't be too hard I don't I don't help people like people get crazy with ice sculpting I don't think people get too too nutty with it with a snowman crafting.
I think that's right You know, you can't worship them as an idol which frosty does get into I would argue She's right would not be Haram She absolutely right. I would worship frosty if I made you then it came to life. I'd worship him No, this is what I'm saying. Is that worshipping an idol is Haram and is not halal It's not halal to worship frosty is not halal to make frosty your god Right frosty is does not get down that way.
He's just a regular acid guy He's just going to work or frosty so fucking funny Don't even get me started on this but he like cubs a lot he's bored and there's a media like I gotta get on the bus Top hat and a suitcase Piss off that cop What happens is the frosty song? Hoppity-hoppity-hoppity-hoppity-hopp look at frosty go. He fights a cop lung cancer like two days into being alive That's right, yeah, it's like literally evaporates his chest He keeps fire on him and he's made of snow. This is the kind of balls to the wall Snowballs to the wall kind of character frosty.
How are you not worshiping him? It's hard It's a lure of temptation made by probably the devil itself, that's right I like this answer that says it is Haram not to report such questions as they are a general annoyance to for a community and The person who asked this question is that awful waste of oxygen?
Seriously Oh Lord, I'm gonna give him a vote that's ball. That's fucking awesome.
Ain't nothing snowman in the Korean I Can't do Godzilla again, it's too long. It's very loud. It's too long. It's too loud. We're not doing it It's Godzilla season though.
It is guy. We just saw the movie It's so good, they have one of the top Godzilla blasts of all time in it I'm at spoilers for Godzilla minus one, but there's a blast For the first time Godzilla does appear It's quite a handful Most of who are saying no you can make a although someone does say idolry is forbidden. Yeah He's making an idol like just like a little fun little treat like making a little snowman Is that really making an idol? I think you're right. You make a golden calf as a lark What if you're just like Papa's Mountain and someone ordered it I just think it's a cool-looking calf I want to hold my keys or something. I don't know what they I don't know the utilitarian use of the calf I can't see it. I got to see it first. Maybe it's a chair.
I got more questions What if you just want like a dope decoration, right? Yeah, no, there's no religious there's no worship you just it just brightens up the room Puts a smile on your face Hang hats on it. What's his next question Jeremy if Santa Claus did exist Do you think do distress that he would have an affair with a sexy elf?
Yes, next question, um, okay, I mean he's been alive for how long like 2,000 years come on Yeah, you got you you have to get bored after a while after like a couple hundred years right standard morality does not apply to timeless beings They don't live in a human. This is like he's human in a loose way and that he's the form of a human But he's like basically a vampire. Yeah They suck and they fuck they suck and they fucking they do it till they're dead.
It sounds like his pitch to mrs. Claus You know Santa has to fall because of his cause he's that kind of mother Wants to open up the relationship Beyonce involved This is Santa he's on Raya, you know, he's not like yeah getting some regular girl. Oh I'm swiping on Raya and you see Santa Claus looking for a third. Yeah, you're gonna say no to that You know, we got a present for you Click on the lurid Santa photos, here's Santa with the tiger We Don't know shit about this there's no polls to do we married as children Santa fucked an elf. I do think that there would be age gap discourse online That would happen.
Well, I mean it would have to get out and he is kind of like a powerful man protected That's right industry. Yeah, he does have a there's a power imbalance. He is their boss. Yeah.
Yeah, he's represented by Dave Becky You're probably getting a phone call you try to come come open with Come here about Santa you've ruined the the careers of several elves who tried to out Santa Claus Which is tough because elves don't have other job opportunity They don't own any stake in the North Pole and really they just go to that like a misfit island But like would that they they are just ex communicated like Napoleon style To read the news It's a really sub Dom relationship with Santa being the Dom oh, yeah as he is your employer Yeah Well, I hope that's clear Basically what we said Okay, that's a picture of a Lambo. There's one other three answers Santa Claus is married to mrs. Claus it's wrong to think you would ever cheat on her besides elves are different species and they are tiny Santa is not human Yeah, ring the bell it's the bestiality answer on corridors We put the cow back right did we I don't know where I fucking put the cow. I don't think it's back. Hey the inception sound cool One guy says are you suggesting that mrs. Claus wouldn't put out that's a good question Maybe mrs. Claus no one has said that is so good at having sex at Santa Claus even in thousands of years would never even consider Fucking us. She's a real chicken head You know she's going to town down there town being Christmas town There's a lot of time to like master the craft I suppose That's a good counter to our theory I think that's a good counter I expect them to both I think I didn't consider that yeah kind of Masters of pleasure. Yeah, what does mrs. Claus do all year? She fucks Santa Claus? That's all we know that she does Santa Claus can change the size and shape of his body to fit into chimneys.
Oh for real. So who knows what he's doing? You know the Grinch lure, but you don't know the mrs. Claus lure The Grinch has more clear Everyone has a general understanding of what the Grinch does J. Are our tokens take on the Grinch is important text for Alex I Don't see any other. Oh, there's one other comment.
That's one of the three chief health and safety protocols in the Santa Manual Okay, okay Haha, this is all a joke to you Adam for read what if he did it call his ass out What if he had sex with a sexy elf? Okay, similar question here What if you caught mommy kissing Santa Claus and then she told you he was your father. I'd be surprised I'd be plum astonishing Very little about me feels Santa ask in a way where I'd have that feeling Santa must be my father. I'm probably fucked Santa sure.
You're looking at pictures of him and you're like, why does he look like me? I have this roly-poly jolly. Look placed in my Rosy cheeks bellowing laughs urge to create toys.
Oh, you give gifts. I do love giving gifts You do do you like to give babe? Let's ask the chat. Do you like giving gifts? Take it or leave it your number I Love giving gifts your father's the reason for the season.
You might be Santa coded Maybe my father's Santa Claus. It's very possible. You should ask your mom your mom going to I'm gonna call her after this It's just seems unlikely Like I've Santa was going around making bastards and that's He would have heard of it by now It Would just be Jon Snow it's the sad thing one of the Bastard can never run the North Pole. I Like one answer from Eugene Bowski just says you cheated on daddy That's too real and who is daddy but Santa Claus Congratulations Eugene on your PhD from Wasau University Let's get on the next one, okay We have there's so much more jolly Times to we have two more questions. There's roughly two more jolly times Which character wins in a fight Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny?
Okay. See this is a quora question Yeah, this is a classic. This is what you expect when you go on who would win in a fight This is this yeah, they just want to do like those old like Mario versus like yeah I like videos that type of shit absolutely one here We did a whole Master Chief episode and there were many more answers questions. We did not get around to Who Master Chief could fight? Oh, fuck.
Yeah But between the Easter Bunny, what are the powers of the Easter Bunny? He's a bunny he can hide things eggs Sure, can talk I think can the Easter Bunny talk? Yeah Yeah, it's not really clear. That's an interesting also power My self-esteem Here's the difference between Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny we're questioning if the Easter Bunny can talk Santa Claus is fucking eternal.
Come on. Yeah, there's no question here. We're questioning whether Santa Claus is our father Um, yeah the Easter Bunny so his one skill that I know of is that they hide Eggs, they hide chocolate eggs around a garden around your house a job and so most charitably you could say that they have the same skill set as a big boss from Metal Gear Solid and their ability to hide objects and if that is the case that could put up a hell of a fight for Santa Claus who is again not human a Magical being and Has the ability to body morph? So I'm gonna go ahead and give this one a hands down the Santa Claus. Yeah, this is like the most clear fight out there It's a bloodbath Our Santa impressions all over the gun now, we're doing fucking Captain Crunch again I'm going to the same shelf.
It's And the SNL announcer that we just go to all the time. It's the same voice for all of them.
Absolutely Well, yeah, I think I heard when you hear You're like that Santa yeah, that's pretty much who Santa is this guy brought me topical sketches again This guy wrote an answer that is I counted 1082 words, let's go. Oh, no. Holy shit. I don't know if we want to read all of that That's two pages double-spaced Before I begin school in a while a John Doe commented on this question several years ago We just don't cares It's obvious to many that Santa is physically inferior to the Easter Bunny in a one-on-one fight and would be clobbered not obvious However, we all and fail to realize Santa's assets and other factors first off We need to talk about CAS complete air superiority Easter Bunny cannot fly I don't think anyone would try and argue this point Santa has a supernatural sleigh with enough strength to carry a mobi a morbidly obese man and literally every Christmas present That's like a stray towards him he did not deserve that We have a sleigh big enough to carry a real fat piece of shit Even if the Easter Bunny has a jet fighter or an anti-aircraft gun We forget about Christmas miracles Santa was shot down once for violating Turkish airspace. What? Yeah, I watched for pod damn one time in a crack calm welcome to crack calm over the facts into was shot down with turkey Jolly crimes I'm gonna move on a little bit because you basically like trade in elf or something. Isn't that Kurt Russell? Netflix Santa vehicle a few years ago. I haven't seen it. It's it sucked ass This guy his argument is basically that Santa would win because he has weapons and all this other stuff But but I want to see his magic a little bit. Yeah firstly to my knowledge unlike st.
Nicholas We don't have any a geographical location to the bunny just a vague idea that he's usually in forests the bunny However, definitely knows where Santa lives the North Pole. It's not like Santa can just teleport his industrial complex to Canada or something Sure, do they have any info on this bunny? That is the part I'm most interested What are the what are the bunnies powers I still don't fucking know I'd like some background on the bunny Please this is a terrible This is a terrible answer because he's saying the bunny can run for Prime Minister of the United Kingdom That's a law.
Yes. I don't think that's true. He could run but what do you win? Not against the Labour Party They have it locked down over there I don't think that's even true. Is it they have it locked down I think they're like doing better but like not because they're good. I think that's like what I remember Well, here's what they could do is the Tories suck that much, right?
I feel like they're stuck in a similar like two shorty dominance situation where the Easter Bunny like I guess runs as a green Lib Dem or green I don't know where he's based like an Essex or something. I don't know bloody leads I Don't know enough of that dumb fucking 1000 word answer Okay, we could name board places and yeah, we can definitely name more English places Why six Physically getting sick It's like tiny Tim at the beginning of a Christmas story what's happening at this you know everything about the Grinch but None of the areas of the UK. Um, I don't know that's enough of that This guy says Easter Bunny no contest To accept that I need to know I need to know one goddamn thing about him besides that. He's a buddy's abilities He says the bunny hides eggs It doesn't tell us much except that maybe he's faster because while Santa drops off toys The Easter Bunny actually hides them all in one day Jeremy's I never say this but just because it's Christmas. Can we go to the heroes wiki and see if the Easter Bunny's We're on heroes dot wiki hero fandom calm which has all of the heroes And it is to believe that the Easter Bunny is not a villain so it's probably on We have the Easter Bunny folklore and the Easter Bunny Hannah Barbara folklore. Okay rabbit power skills magic super speed infinite stamina omnipotence omnipotence Artistic skills and craftsmanship. Some of those are pretty good goals reward people in Easter Omnipotence is strong to use family Mrs. Easter Bunny parentheses wife.
Excuse me. I have never heard of this character Mrs. Easter Well, I don't know Your lack of info about this dude. Well, here you go full name Peter Cottontail. Mmm. That's not an ability Peter. I have a name Oh Occupation egg dealer, which makes it sound like a drug This I don't trust any of the info on here because I think Peter Cottontail is like a whole different scenario and they're just They're doing Ignorance towards rabbits and they're they're just getting everything wrong.
Let's do our last question. I'm sorry about all that everybody This is our sorry. I got so fucking pissed We're going back to the Grinch for our final question mad all the time Atheists if the Grinch stole all of your Christmas gifts and would only give them back if you renounce atheism forever, would you do it?
Yes That's what it takes. That's what I have to do. I can't lose my presence. I want a steam deck Would you do it would you do a juniper you're announcing atheism for the grand when I renounce atheism for treats for a little materialism no No, absolutely not that's based I Told you I have the I have the Maoist family to keep keep in line. I can't I can't lose it.
I think that's American flag sound American flag song hits it is five in the morning and it's also Christmas morning. Merry Christmas to all of our wonderful child listeners Just like every other Monday It comes out at six so I can listen on the way to work I Hope they're not working on Christmas morning Anyway, yeah, I'd give up.
I'd give up. I'd renounce atheism for my trees. I don't care Fast that's all it takes.
Yeah, we're not real like that. Yeah We're fake and we're cloud chasers and we're cringe as well In sauce I get it.
You just want the Grinch to like you. I Honestly, I'm just I'm trying to get the Grinch to let me work on his pilot I like that you gotta get like Grinch clout. I really need it. Everybody knows his name. I just Say it Grinch I just want to be like I actually am friends with him We used to go to Mike's we used to Mike all the time His mic actually is me.
It was Adam Conover. Rachel said it. It was the Grinch These are New York was crazy back to open my New York City ten years ago All right, Alan Cherry says sure but I'd be lying Where do you work?
I'm coming He says he works for a large grocery store chain, that doesn't clear anything up Alan, yeah You win this round well done Alan And also Merry Christmas Alan there's a war on Christmas Oh How did I not search the word war on Christmas and the Quora that seems like a huge misplay? There could have been some gems in there. Yeah, do we want to take the time? No, it's all right I feel like it's finding them is such a hope and there's nothing good. It's just like is there a war on Christmas?
Mmm answers. Yes.
We're all absolutely Atheists are thinking about attacking the trees. You've been drafted I Think that post like what was like a was was like a plant like not like now I can only think about attacking trees I'm gonna see Christmas tree.
I'm gonna go to my family's events and I'm gonna want to assault a tree I should I got it's on-site Yeah The only other people who have like the right idea about trees are cats who are relentlessly knocking those things down Yeah, they literally are jumping into them all the time Oh you at you put Christmas tree into the chorus urge It's all like is this gonna kill my cat is this gonna fall on my cat and kill my cat? My cat eat a whole tree. That's why they don't like them. Is it a problem if my cat throws up a whole tree? And that's a fun cat based humor for our and that's just a perfect ending to the show, isn't it?
Okay Jennifer do you have a question you'd like to ask for a calm What's your favorite war crime? Oh, that's a great one Wow Hot out the gate with that. That was good I just I always have that little that little question just tucked away whenever I need it. Do you have a favorite war crime? I Don't I just love asking people that if I have the opportunity Probably everyone takes their freaking clothes off.
I'm now going to Jordan Peter if I had to pick one like they're all bad. Don't be mad at me But like that one, I guess that's my favorite. All right This has been Quarators, I Played the song too early as I go. I'm sorry about that juniper.
Thank you so much for coming on Where can our listeners find you at home and abroad for right now? I guess for the F for now, it could be it could change very quickly But but the reliable places to find me you can find me on blue sky At June L per it's so it's a J. U. N. L. P. E. R. You can listen to me on my podcast Western kabuki, it's like on every streaming service Technically right now called my ad is can't ever die, but that probably will get suspended Accounts it's it's basically if to if Elon sees me he's gonna fire he's gonna shoot a shot at me So you got her is like a Christmas tree to Elon Thank you for saying so and it is Christmas Which means my Kickstarter has one more week. Is it done already? Did we make it? I hope so. If not go to kickstarter.com slash the link is in the bio there. I'm not Alex for money We're not asking for much people just today's top audio stories Look for the link for theater of delight season 6 and I've got nothing to promote Merry Christmas Merry Christmas And we'll see you next week for New Year's. It's Us bye-bye |
cracked | aretha_jane_fonda_belichick_week_in_douchebaggery_2_15 | It's Friday, February 15th, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Rex Friedman, Lex Friedman's evil twin. It is Friday, and it's time for some douchebags. It's the week in douchebaggery.
Yes, yes it is. Thanks chorus of me, uh, uh, chorus of my twin brother, that was a close one.
She only talks dirty on NBC, and never when we're screwing each other's brains out in bed. Fonda, you are a cold fish sometimes. I call her my veiny Janey. True story. Because she's old.
Douchebag number three, Bill can't go all the way at Belichick. Turns out he's been illegally taping opponents defensive signals since he became the New England Patriots coach back in 2000. That's according to Senator Arlen Specter. Belichick maintains he didn't know he was cheating.
Don't worry, Billy. Neither does your wife when I'm grand slamming her all night long. Wait, what? Oh, right. Don't worry. Neither does your wife when I'm scoring hat tricks all up in her goals. If you know what, what? Really? Are you sure? Neither does your wife when I'm shooting from her free throw line. Damn it. Come on. I got it. He didn't know he was cheating. Don't worry, Billy. Neither does your wife when she's going for a first down on me. Hey-o. There it is. All right.
Alone in my basement five. Douchebag number two. The Pentagon. I can't believe this is true, but they're planning to have the military shoot down a malfunctioning spy satellite that's currently hurtling towards the Earth. What could possibly go wrong? I'm having a hard time making a joke about this one, actually, since I think I've seen this movie and I think I know how it ends.
With Bruce Willis dying. I have always loved you, Bruce. By the way, for those of you keeping score, Bruce is Bill Belichick's wife.
But finally, douchebag number one, Mel Gibson. This week he completed all the terms of his DUI stemming from that boozy anti-Semitic tirade you all remember. In celebration, Gibson released the following statement, which oddly enough was set to music.
I hate the Jews. I really, really, really, really hate the Jews. Oh, I hate the Jews. Yeah, I hate the Jews.
I'll tell you what I do. Oh, go ahead.
I hate all the terms.
I hate all the Jews. I hate the Jews. They start every war. The Jews are really sticky. And I wish they were poor, but they have all the time.
It's got a nice beat, and you can dance to it. I like it. That's it for today's edition of the News On Cracked. Check back Monday before you wreck back Monday. |
CrackerMilk | the_magic_of_friendship | Oh my goodness, Sarah, I've had the best day with my best friend, you. That's me. And these fishy and chippies we bought, they truly are scrumdiddlyumptious. Would you like another chippy? I'd love one.
Pop it in my gob. Wow. Pop it in my gob. In your gob. In my gob.
Best chippy for my best friend. Mmm. Yum, yum, yum, yum. Yummy. That's good. Mmm.
That went down really well. You know what? Wow, do you remember the time we went swimming in the pool today? Yeah.
Do you remember that time we played basketball? Do you remember the time we danced together at that rave? It's magical how much dancing can move a person. Do you remember that time your mum made us cookies?
Wow, thanks mum. No problem, son.
What else have we done today, I wonder? Do you remember that time I killed a person? No. Do you remember we hid the body together? I don't remember this but...
I'm really sorry. Not again, Sarah. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to do it.
Oh my god. What have you done? Oh my fucking god, Sarah.
I'm too pretty for today. I can't do it.
Don't touch me. Don't fucking touch me.
I need help. It's not another mess for me to clean up. Oh mum. |
SaturdayNightLive | ryan_gosling_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Gosling! thank you! it's great to be back Hosting Snl! I'm here because of my new movie, The Fall Guy, with Emily Blunt!
So don't worry, I'm not going to make any jokes about Ken. because it's not funny. Ken and I, we had to break up. we went too deep. and it's over. So I'm not going to talk about it. I actually am going to talk about it a little bit.
Thank you. you know, when you play a character that hard, that long, just letting go just feels like a breakup. And for processing a breakup, there's really only one thing that can help. the music of the great Taylor Swift! the definition of my washboard abs. singing Indigo Girls in my car with Babs. If I said that I was doing fine, you know I'd be lying. because I was just Ken, and now I'm just Ryan. Hi, Emily Blunt. what are you doing? what are you doing? I'm promoting our movie. No, you're not. No, you're not. we had a whole Fall Guy monologue planned with a bunch of stunts. it was going to be epic. I was going to hit you with things, and instead you're singing about Ken, again. But it's not totally unrelated. I mean, I listened to this song in The Fall Guy while thinking about a breakup. I mean, in a way, I'm doing exactly what we talked about. Do you really believe that, though, Ryan? no. no? look at you. you're Kenning right now, and I hate that it's even a verb, or I resent that. take the fur coat off. you're embarrassing yourself. come on. you're embarrassing yourself. Guys, I don't mean to be harsh, but, Ryan, you have to move on. it's time.
I know. Okay. I know you're right. Okay.
I just can't. you were a stuntman, and you can take a hit, and look how cool that was. Stuntman, that is pretty cool. You know who else would think that's cool?
Ken. Ken is Dead.
But, Emily, you were in Oppenheimer last summer. yeah? I mean, exactly. I know it was an inferior movie, but. I mean, it wasn't. we, like, won everything, actually. But did you win people's hearts? I don't think so, but, you know, don't you ever miss it? I mean.
And I miss all my kids. And I miss Killian Murphy.
And you really should see the Fall Guy. But I just can't seem to let Ken go. cos they're not again. Back in 2023 with the bobbin' of a summer, it was just you and me drunk up here. Nobody here. Now it's time to wish it all fell off. We were Kitty and Ken and I wish you could've seen us. You were loyal to the end and your guy had no penis. You must confess, we're a mess to impress, but it's time to wish Ken Kitty, both of us fell. Farewell, my sweet prince. No.
Oh my God, isn't it back up? that's right. Cos Ken will never die! we've got a great show for you tonight. Chris Stapleton is here. stick around, we'll be right back. Emily Blunt! thank you. it's great to be back Hosting Snl. I'm here because of my new movie, The Fall Guy with Emily Blunt.
So don't worry, I'm not gonna make any jokes about Ken. because it's not funny. Ken and I, we had to break up. we went too deep. and it's over. So I'm not gonna talk about it. I actually am gonna talk about it a little bit. thank you. you know, when you play a character that hard, that long, just letting go just feels like a breakup. And for processing a breakup, there's really only one thing that can help. the music of the great Taylor Swift. the sweet definition of my washboard abs. singing Indigo Girls in the Car with Babs. if I said that I was doing fine, you know I'd be lying. Cos I was just Ken, and now I'm just Ryan.
Hi, Emily Blunt. what are you doing? what are you doing? I'm promoting our movie.
No, you're not.
We had a whole Fall Guy monologue planned with a bunch of stunts. it was gonna be Epic. I was gonna hit you with things, and instead you're singing about Ken, again. but it's not totally unrelated. I mean, I listen to this song in the Fall Guy while thinking about a breakup. I mean, in a way, I'm doing exactly what we talked about.
Do you really believe that, though, Ryan? no. no. look at you. you're Kenning right now. And I hate that it's even a verb. or I resent that. take the fur coat off. you're embarrassing yourself. Come on. you're embarrassing yourself. Guys, I don't mean to be harsh, but, Ryan, you have to move on. it's time.
I know. Okay. I know you're right. Okay. I just can't.
Ken? you are a Stuntman, and you can take a hit and look how cool that was. Stuntman, that is pretty cool. You know who else would think that's cool?
Ken. Ken is dead.
But Emily, you were in Oppenheimer last summer. yeah? I mean, exactly. I mean, I know it was an inferior movie, but. I mean, it wasn't. we, like, won everything, actually. But did you win people's hearts? I don't think so. But, you know, don't you ever miss it? I mean.
I miss all my kids. And I miss Killian Murphy.
And you really should see the Fall Guy. But I just can't seem to let Ken go. Cause then again, back in 2023, with the bobbin of a sonner, it was just you and me, drunk on beer, nobody here. now it's time to wish him. come on, Phil. we were kitty and Ken. and I wish you could've seen us. you were loyal to the end. And your guy had no penis. Must confess we're a mess to impress. now it's time to wish Ken. Kitty. both of us. Phil. Farewell, my sweet prince. No. oh My. god, it lit back up. look at that. that's right. Cause Ken will never die. we got a great show for you tonight. Chris Stapleton is here. stick around, we'll be right back. everyone! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_248_Esme_Louise_James | Hello and welcome to the Petuta Advocate podcast beaming out of the channel country. My name is Wendell Hussey. It is not the familiar voice of Clancy Overill leading off.
He's down at a function in Brisbane, a Broncos function, I believe. And then I think he's also going to the Dolphins function as well. He's got a big weekend. Rugby league has started again which is a big deal here in the state of Queensland.
I'm opening the show here with Effie Bateman, Euphemia Bateman even. Hello. How are you? I'm great. How are you Wendell? I'm good. I believe you're particularly excited to talk to the guest that we have on today.
She's a writer and a researcher based in Melbourne, Australia, our favourite city far and away. Really good relationship with Melbourne we do.
It's the allergy capital of the world apparently. Whenever I go there I have the worst hay fever. It's awful. It's the everything capital of the world I think. But that's where our guest is based.
She's a candidate at the University of Melbourne in the School of Culture and Communication and she's got a thesis which she identifies as specific to pornographic works from the 18th to the earlier 20th century. We're going to get the exact name of the thesis. She's a PhD candidate.
She's a big deal on TikTok. She's a big deal in the podcast world. She has a huge following and it's all about kinky history, which basically explores the evolution of human sexual history, which I believe she says is the history they didn't teach you in high school. She's got over a couple of million followers and it's very exciting to have her on board the Petuta Rave Good podcast.
Esme James, thanks for joining us. Hello. I'm blushing. What an intro.
There's a couple of novels in there as well. There's TED Talks, all that sort of stuff. But look, we don't have time to go through all of that today. Yeah, it's great to have you on and looking forward to talking about, as you said, stuff that doesn't get taught in the history of schools. What made you get interested in the history of sex, eroticism, all that sort of stuff?
What a great question. My therapist is actually still working through that. It wasn't a Benny Benassi film clip or something like that. It always is for one of us. Channel V, eyes wide open. Mine was Macavity in Cats.
Oh my God. He was sexy. Yes. Yeah. Oh my God. That is such a specific sexual awakening and I relate to it. Thank you. And the Rum Tum Tugger. Yeah. I mean, that's No, that's who I mean. Rum Tum Tugger.
He was a sexy one. Macavity was like a bad boy cat.
Okay. Maybe I had, I liked a few of the cats in Cats. This is when people will find out that they're actually furries.
But it is absolutely wonderful to be here today. Thank you so much for having me.
There was no specific awakening, but surely throughout the years you'd have gone, okay, this is something that particularly starts to interest me. Was it something you found at university later years of high school? How did it kind of happen? It happened because I have this compulsive need to find out what I'm not allowed to talk about. So every time we're in like university, I studied like history and literature and whenever we got to that point, reading a book that people were like, and okay, we're good now.
We probably won't go any further today. I'm like, what's further?
Is it a penis? And it always, it's always a penis. It always is a penis.
And so that is kind of how I ended up. Like I started to dig myself a hole because I was like that person who would write about all of the stuff that you're not meant to write about. And then once you got a name for that and kind of academia, you can't really like caress sex. You either sink or swim, you just go straight into it. And I very quickly accidentally became the sex girl because I always wanted to talk about all of these things that we don't normally talk about in history class.
And then here we are now. I started to post it on the internet. And there you go.
And the TikTok algorithm took off, but was there a particular type of person in university who was saying, don't go any further or was that just kind of the way it is? Because I, the idea I had of university was that it's something that people go to, to expand ideas and learn all sorts of stuff and go down different areas of expertise. Was there a particular type of person that was pushing back or was it just, that's just the way it kind of was in literature? I think most universities now are very, very liberal minded, you know, and you will have like the study of sex and gender and everything and quite open conversations, but there's always going to be conversations that are going to be quite controversial. And when it comes to talking about sex in any capacity, whether that's like famous figures and you know, recognising that maybe they had a kink or a fetish, it's seen as something that's not as important to recognise when we're talking about this great philosopher. Is it really important that he liked to be spanked?
And in my view, it is. And you say yes. And I say yes. And it's quite important. Do you think it's because these people are put on a pedestal and that kind of humanises them too much and you know, we don't want to know that these great thinkers and these geniuses actually have some weird things that they're into? Absolutely. It straight away humanises them.
When you see something like, you know, James Joyce and you're like, this man wrote one of the greatest books in literary history. And he wrote letters to his wife about how much he loves the smell of her farts. You know, those two things are kind of divorced from one another. But I think the story is so much more interesting when we put them together and we recognise that these people who have done such incredible things. And actually changed the course of history are as weird and freaky as we are. Because I mean, if James Joyce can do that, why can't we also write the greatest book of history and still get off to the Rum Tum Tugger?
You know what I'm saying? Thank you.
Do you reckon people who are, I've always thought people who are geniuses are more likely to be really weird because their brain works differently. They've done some really interesting correlations about that. And it has to do with, I guess, like how much your imagination and everything is actually coming into the play and having to be continually mentally and physically stimulated at the same time. So they haven't quite worked out the exact reason, but a lot of people in the BDSM community tend to, you know, test well on IQ tests and everything. It's a very strange correlation, potentially not a causation, but there's something there.
There's a strong correlation as well, isn't there, between overall satisfaction with life and comfortableness and security and BDSM as well, isn't there? Yes, yes. And one of those, you know, kind of what we think is the connection there is that a lot of people who are in BDSM or kink relationships, there is a really big emphasis on communication and trust and all of those things. So if you're kind of intuitive enough to be able to enter into that relationship and enter into it well, you're probably also good at communicating other aspects of your life. You know, that's not skills that are solely set in the bedroom. If you value consent and communication and trust, that's going to go into all aspects of life. So yeah, there is a wellbeing thing there.
Maybe a bit of a novice question here, but how would you define kink? Because kink is something that's not straight, right? It's something that's not quite on the wellbeing path, but what is the traditional definition of that and how much has it changed over time? Well, it's changed drastically over time. You know, today we recognize kink as a sexual behavior or something that kind of deviates from the norm. But if we go back 200 years ago when that kind of started to be used as a term or a concept, that was actually something that was put in place to diagnose. It was meant to be, you know, it wasn't something like today that we kind of find ourselves like we shouldn't kink shame, blah, blah, blah. We'll be empowered by it back in the day.
It was, you know, Freud and Kaft-Ebin who kind of come in and they're like, we need to diagnose people with like mental disorders. So this was a mental disorder?
Isn't this always, oh, you want to fuck your mom? Yeah, yeah. It always comes back to that. Everything looks like a penis and you want to fuck your mom. And that's like Freud 101, like that, you can stop there. I don't need to read any of his books. That's all you need to know. Literally. You can always guess the ending. Like even when I'm just like, okay, I wonder if Freud ever had thoughts on the foot fetish and it's like, ah, yes, he did. He thought that feet look like penises and you would see the foot of your mother and want to fuck your mom. And it was just like, okay, everything will come back to those two things, done.
Very interesting figure. Who else is there out there that we might not know about? You mentioned James Joyce. Who's a big horn dog from history you reckon who would surprise people? Big horn dogs from history that I think surprise people.
He's Albert Einstein. Um, you know, we've just talked about high IQ and education. Moustache on him. Yeah. And you've got some pool on that hair. I'll be honest. Like a little bit of doggy for Einstein.
But he was really, uh, he had this whole philosophy about love and relationships and he was all for free love. Like he writes that monogamy is the bitter fruit for everyone involved and we would all be better off and more satisfied if we could love everyone and go where our ways take us. At the same time, he was okay with him doing that, but not his wives.
So that's the case. It always is.
But his letters are really interesting because when we talk about, you know, Einstein's always used as this person that's just like, yep, he is like high on that pet school. Most intelligent person ever. Like you think like Einstein, Einstein would have hated the idea of like, you know, the marriage and everything that we have today and this kind of, I guess, war on polyamory that starting to emerge. Like he was all for that theory of polygamy.
Yeah. Like fuck the theory of relativity.
Um, also he did, you know, he was married to his cousin, so it's kind of the theory of relatives. But that was a little bit more common. Not as stigmatized back then. No, everyone was married to their cousin. One of the things I've started to do online rather than being like, you know, Queen Victoria had a really good sex life with her husband. I will just say, you know, Queen Victoria had a really good sex life with her first cousin because I think we kind of forget that all of these people were cousins like at every stage.
So I love that. I think things, would you say, like, I remember when I was doing, um, ancient history and studying like Caligula and all those people and it seems like in my head, I'm like, I feel like they were more open with sexuality, more messed up then. And I feel like we're actually a little bit more prudish now. Do you think that's correct? I think there's an argument both ways.
And I, that's one of the things that I think is so interesting about teaching sex history is that it becomes very circular. You know, we tend to see ourselves going from this like repressed dark age where we only had missionary with our husband and to now with the chastity belt stuff. And now, you know, we're back here having sex with everyone. But when you go back to ancient times, there is such a different concept about gender and identity and sexuality. If people like Julius Caesar who are, you know, famously having rumoured affairs with like King Nicomedes and cross dressing in his palace and being known as every man's woman and every woman's man, you know, and having affairs left, right and centre quite kinky depictions of these scenes, you know, we have plenty of depictions of flagellation and whipping for erotic enjoyment from these times. We have dildos from these times we have, you know, sex isn't something that we've like newly discovered. And actually, I think, in an age before technology and a lot of distractions, we were a lot more invested in making it more pleasurable.
You don't have like TikTok to scroll on, you're like, Oh, I'm bored, I've got to find something to do. Fucking Nicomedes. Yeah. Nothing to do today.
I hope there wasn't a PG rating on this podcast. We'll put like a message out for stuff. Because Wendell was saying to me before, he's like, Effie, we got to be careful, you know, people who listen to the podcast, we usually just have UFC fighters and musicians and now it's going to be like RIMMING! Full noise RIMMING. Dildos!
I wanted to ask that you touched on Effie that we have all these stories from a few thousand years ago about sexuality and different things that was happening and where we're at now. Obviously, there's a big thing called religion, which got in the way for a couple of years. Yeah, yeah, that that must have played a massive factor in what it is to be sexual and talk about sexuality and all that sort of stuff as well. Massively so. When we go back, there's a few kind of tipping points, just the tip that I would kind of mark in the history that really change what it means today.
And one of those is around the time of Thomas Aquinas in the 13th century, who goes through every part of the body and kind of identifies what its purpose is. And the point of doing that was to say, if it wasn't fulfilling its purpose, it was bad, evil. And if it was fulfilling its purpose, it was good.
If your legs can walk, they're good legs. And if you can't walk, they're evil legs.
It was basically as simple as that. And so when it came to like genitals, he was like, their purpose is procreation, anything else, evil, sin. But that means, you know, anything else of your penis, like you can't perform puppetry of the penis, which, you know, if you've ever been to that show, bloody brilliant. I would like to see that show.
My nan's been 17 times, she's really obsessed with it. Thirsty nan.
Yeah. She bought us all tickets when it came to Australia. And I was like, okay, this is a random and she's like, no, no, no, me and your grandad go every time it's around. I'm like, cool. Yeah, I've been reading that you, um, so your family actually sounds incredibly fine. I want to hang out with, you know, your mum and your grandma, but I read that you've been doing a sextistic series with your mum. Can you tell us about that? I absolutely can.
So my mum is a statistician. She is absolutely brilliant. We're talking one of the first women to graduate with a PhD from Cambridge in maths. She is insanely cool.
And along this journey of kinky history and doing all of these lessons on TikTok about the history of sex and all of it, there was one night that she's like, you know, have you ever thought about maybe adding in some modern stats so we can kind of contextualize it? And I was like, I would love to, mum, but you know, I gave up maths in year 11 and I'm never looking back. So I'm not going to teach that.
And she just kind of like launched this giant pile of papers being like, that's okay, honey. Like I've done all your research for you. And I was like, okay, do you want to do this together then? And she's like, Oh, you know, if you're asking sure, like I'll absolutely do it. I've actually got some costumes here now. And we ended up getting drunk on a bottle of wine and submitting a application video to Screen Australia to be like, Hey, would you actually fund this series that we've come up with right now, right here, right now? And they did. And so we created Sex-Tistics, which has been a wonderful way to contextualize, like what's happening in modern day Australia, America, UK, with all of these stories from history and, you know, kind of understanding what it means today, you know, and I think I'm in a very lucky position because I'll just get text messages from my mum to be like, Hey, honey, did you know that everyone in Melbourne's rooming a lot more than they did 12 years ago? And you know, that's a wonderful relationship. And one day I just got this thing being like, Hi, honey, I'm going to come over.
I'm nearly done. I'm just finishing up masturbation. And then I will be right with you.
And it's just like, as in researching it, they just come up completely out of context. But it gave something to the work we were doing that I think is so important because you can't learn anything from today if you don't put the past and present in conversation.
And it's so incredible to even things like vibrator use is going up for guys. And that is a great stat because 100 years ago, vibrators were invented for men. And then they were, they were invented for men to cure their impotence. So we were using masturbators, masturbators, we're kind of masturbating men with vibrators to increase their fertility back in the 1800s. And then we stopped using them all together for guys, because it got associated with being a womanly product. And now all of a sudden, men are started to use them for pleasure. Like that's an interesting story from history about like one household product, stats and sex. That is very interesting about vibrators.
I did not know that.
Are there any prudes in your family? Are there any like good Catholics or is there the black sheep of the family who's like, I don't want to talk about sex, guys? Or is everyone awakened? Obviously you've got your nan and your pop you just spoke about who are living it up. Is there anyone in the family or is it all just pretty, pretty free flowing? It's a very free flowing family.
Ironically, my mom did go to a convent school. Like she was raised Catholic by my nan and granddad, who I've mentioned at the puppetry of the penis, who are not Catholic, but they were so worried that they've done the wrong thing and being atheist that they sent her to a convent, instilled her with all of this Catholic guilt that no one else in the family has, which is really interesting.
It's a weird place to be. It really is. And then you're going to go one of two ways after school. You're either going to go hard one way or hard the other way. Yeah.
And like all of the time that I was growing up, mom used to like still have all of this like Catholic guilt and it's only until recent times that mom's like, yeah, free love. You know, I think she's just had her teenage years now. Maybe it's be, you know, doing this with you. She's, you know, finding more things about herself. But I think, you know, even in the experience that she has talked about, having conversations now in, I won't say how old she is, I'll get absolutely murdered. But having all of those conversations now, she is learning so much about herself and about pleasure and about love and relationships. And she has just, you know, one day she just broke down crying. She's like, I'm so grateful that your generation are doing this now. And it's not going to take you until however old I am to be able to experience the joys of pleasure and love and a loving relationship with whoever you want. I, you know, and I think that's so special about what we do today.
Just talking about all of this so openly on a PG podcast. I wanted to ask, TikTok is your biggest platform and watching it kind of grow TikTok as a platform over the last kind of couple of years. It seems to be a platform where people talk about stuff like sexuality, talk about all sorts of stuff, much more than Instagram and Facebook. And it seems to be, obviously you can have all of the different little niches and wormholes and everyone's TikTok algorithm looks completely different, you know, you'll have Pedro Pascal, I've been telling my dog, it's just Pedro Pascal, masculine lesbians, that's a new one for me. There'll be people who are just watching carpet cleaning videos and there'll be people with like boomer jokes, but there are some people, their whole feed just looks like that. Then there's pimple popping. There's a mixture of all of that sort of stuff. What do you reckon TikTok has done in terms of progressing society in regards to talking about this sort of stuff and making it more of an open conversation that you just spoke about? I think it's changed everything. And one of the reasons that I think it's done so is that it came into effect and it was still kind of a toddler going through this identity crisis when, you know, people I suppose of my generation have started to come on and help invent it. You know, when I came on to TikTok in 2020, no one knew what it was going to be.
And it also felt very like it was quite a privilege to kind of be one of the grassroots creators here in Australia because we got to guide what it was going to end up looking like. When I first began, there was one other educational creator that I could name. And when you have this kind of new voice deciding, I know it's like a mega corporation, but guiding what something is going to be, there was a strong need for conversation that suddenly came out of this. People were wanting a platform to talk. They were wanting a platform to learn. And it's so much easier, I think, to start fresh in a brand new conversation than something like Facebook or Instagram, which have been very much established.
And it's very hard to be like, hey, I'm actually going to talk about sex here now. And we're all going to talk about sex. It's going to be a sex positive space.
Whereas TikTok just had that, like at the time of my TED Talk, I mentioned the fact that KingTok had nearly 400 billion views. Oh, my God. Yes. Wow. There is a huge amount of people and there was a considerable same number on hashtag learn on TikTok that are marking that they are coming onto this platform to find community. And you know what you're saying about the different algorithms is that it is so much easier to find your community and to find your niche, because you can connect with all of these brilliant minds and people around the world who are sharing similar experiences to you because of that algorithm is fantastic. Do you find because you're discussing sex, you get censored? I imagine you would be. Yeah, it was the team here in TikTok Australia have actually been brilliant.
So when I started, I think nearly every second video was getting taken down. I was covering everything I was doing. I was using euphemisms left, right and center.
And quite early on in my experience on TikTok, the team from Australia reached out to me and they're like, we love what you're doing. We see value in what you're doing. We want to work together to see how kinky history can exist on this platform in a way that's going to be beneficial to both of us. And, you know, also while recognizing that this is currently a 13 plus platform. Yeah. And we kind of collaboratively work together to get kinky history to work on TikTok, which is so special.
Like we talked about where is the limit? What can we say? What can't we say? When is censorship important in considering that anyone of any age could potentially find this content? And when has it gone too far?
So I think I was really, really lucky. Occasionally now, you know, something will get taken down and I'll kind of text TikTok and I'll be like, hey, you know, my video got taken down. And they're like, Esme, you were literally reading porn on the internet. Well, I'm too shy. But I was like, but it's like 200 years old. Like it's still porn.
So, you know, there is a line that you have to be conscious of. I think it's just been a privilege to be able to work with them to kind of establish where that line is, because we do need open conversations, but we also do need to protect people who potentially don't want to stumble onto that.
So. Yeah, right. So TikTok's been pretty good in terms of working with you in regards to that. Really good.
As opposed to Instagram, which is just like delete anything that looks like a nipple. And then they hate nipples. Instagram absolutely hates nipples.
Pepperoni on pizza. Oh no, that's a nipple. It's gone. Get it off.
Did you see that they're going to change this? Yeah, there's been a new thing that I think, you know, came from the gods that be at META that was announced that they've been overruled about the nipple situation because they, you know, obviously they take down anything that looks like nipples. And this was becoming an issue with, you know, the transgender community in particular who were saying, you're still marking this as a female nipple. I'm a man. And because of, you know, their voices on this situation, nipple erasure is actually going to be changed on all of their platforms, which is something that happened this week. So, you know, breaking news.
Free the nipple.
Miley Cyrus is finally like, her moment is here. They had Tommy Lee's penis on there for such a long time. They really did.
Cause I kept checking in to be like, is it gone yet? I love that you're like, this is for educational reasons, scientific reasons, checking on the penis. I need to make sure that Instagram is doing their job. So I'm just going to check in.
You were really worried about that. I was really worried about the children seeing it, but they had that up for like seven hours and it was right there. Like you knew what it was. A monster hog.
Um, you have a huge amount of information inside your brain in regards to the stuff we've spoken about today. Where do you find it? What, like what kind of materials are you studying, looking at and what rabbit holes are you going down to find all this stuff? So many rabbit holes, like the rabbit holes with like cobwebs on them. Like no one has been down there. But are you going to like, are you needing to find this stuff in libraries? Are you being able to find it on like the internet? Like where, where, how do you get it all? Uh, a lot of different places. Um, one of the very, I think, you know, boring side of my job is that on TikTok it all looks very like fun and exciting and like I found a penis. Um, but then my daily life is me in archives, like following up a reference and then trying to find it and occasionally having to like scan through the penis and the haystack. Do you know what?
That is the perfect explanation. Like that is actually, and you know, occasionally we'll get documents like scanned over from archives overseas. And so you're reading on a little laptop, an old English document on your computer and it's the most atrocious, hit your head against the wall kind of situation. But occasionally in the course of doing this, it will be like, yes. Anyway, then they all left and they had a BDSM kink party and that was the end. And I'm like, okay, great. We found the kink party, like follow that up. Um, then other stuff, you know, you just read normal books.
Like one of my, like the most famous examples that I'll give of this is Jean-Jacques Rousseau, very famous philosopher. Lots of people read him at school, you know, very well known. He wrote an entire book at the end of his life called Confessions where he's like, yeah, so I've done a lot of great things in my life.
Also, I really love to be spanked because I used to be spanked as a kid. I'll always enter into these relationships where I'm called little one. And she's called mama. And occasionally I like to moony people in public and see if they will spank me.
Um, anyway, just writing this down because I thought, you know, you should know this. May as well, about to die. About to die. Yeah. Put it out there.
And he kind of writes it like, you know, I hope that someone will one day be able to make sense of my sex life in comparison with my philosophy. And you know, that stuff is just there. We just haven't spoken about it. You know, we'll read every single one of his works in university or in high school, but we've kind of leave Confessions out. And that's not one that I have to search very far for, which I think is what shocks a lot of people. Um, even like the letters, the fart letters of James Joyce, they're all accessible to the public. We just don't talk about them. And so some things just kind of, for lack of a better term, land on my lab. So you find some of that stuff there in plain sight and then other stuff there might be 20 hours at a library for one video on TikTok that people might see. Honestly, I mean, do you know what's so annoying? It's always the ones that like I've done so much work on and they'll like get no views.
Yeah. Oh, that's so annoying. Always. Yeah. Always.
Where occasionally someone's like, Oh my God, did you see that Catherine the great used to have a penis chair? And I'm like, Catherine the great had a penis chair. And everyone's like, yes, could have found that myself, but yes, penis chair. Penis chair in terms of it looked like a penis or it's a decorated with, uh, penises and depictions of people giving each other kind of lingus and the devil also being involved and a table. I'm going to have to show you this table and a table that is made of penises for legs with boobies as, um, yeah.
And apparently this was found when her palace was raided all the way in the 19, 1942 by German soldiers. Apparently these were still inside the palace left over from Catherine the great's time and had been hidden. And we know this because the German soldiers stopped to take pictures because they were so shocked by what they saw.
Um, so we'd love that for Catherine the great. For Catherine. Absolutely. I don't think they're going to cover it in the crown, but I really hope they do. And maybe just like, they don't have to mention it, but just have that table there and you can kind of see it just in the background of the great. Yeah.
Where does Bridgerton, um, fit into all of this quite a popular TV show over the last couple of years? Cause we wrote similar articles about this one. Cause I was watching it and I was watching season two and I loved Anthony. I thought he was beautiful, but I remember thinking, okay, he goes to brothels all the time and I don't know if Viscount would have access to contraception. Like what's going on here? Like they, they, you know, engaging in activities that I don't know how frequently, you know, they bathe back in the day, but all I could think of would be that if we were realistic about it, people would smell bad and everyone would have syphilis. And for those who don't know, Bridgerton, very popular over the last couple of years, TV show, period drama. Um, I always find that term funny, period drama, by the way. I don't quite understand why it can't be like Victorian era drama. That's just me once in a while. Um, but it's a period drama with a twist. Like it's all, it's sexy, it's saucy, it's extravagant. All sorts of stuff is going on. So it's very different to the traditional, like Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte kind of stuff.
I think that's sexy. Um, no, I, it's, it's so true.
There was a study done in hindsight where two researchers have kind of come across and found that one in five people in London would have had syphilis at the time that Bridgerton is set in the Regency era. It was because syphilis at the time was so much more aggressive than we know it today. And there was no cure until the 1900s when we have penicillin. So once you had syphilis, you know, there was a very famous saying, and it was one night with Venus and a lifetime with mercury, because mercury was the only thing that they used to help syphilis, which we kind of know now was probably a lot worse for them. So people would literally sit on mercury with the steam coming up into their hoo-ha or their what you might call it, and they would just like sit and ingest mercury for a really long period of time. Now, syphilis at the time would cause, it was quite related to, um, leprosy in some ways, you know, we're talking flaking skin, a lot of people's noses would fall off and hair loss, which is one of the reasons that we had so many powdered wigs, why they came into fashion in that era was to hide hair loss. And because of this, nearly everyone in the court was then required to wear a wig. So you wouldn't know which ones had syphilis.
Does Voldemort have syphilis? Maybe because his nose is gone. And he's bald, yeah. Do you know what? New fan fiction, Voldemort had syphilis.
Love that. It doesn't, that, yeah, I'll, I'll subscribe. I'll subscribe.
Whores. Can you give the rundown on fan fiction for those who may not be aware of it in regards to Harry Potter? Is there a lot of fan fiction that isn't erotic? I'm not a Harry Potter guy, so I'm not completely across this sort of stuff. Or is it mostly just erotic stuff? The fan fiction? Um, mainly erotic. I feel like they've kind of become synonymous now that you do it. The non erotic stuff's left to JK Rowling and then the fans do the erotic stuff. Yeah.
And then Draco Malfoy said, like, you know, it's usually Draco, I think. It's always Draco. It's a good looking man, Draco.
Well, sorry, not a man. Is he really, what's actually, what is the guy there? Fan fiction.
They're all fucking kids. I know you were kids when you were watching it and it was like similar ages. But then again, like so much of what I'm thinking, like euphoria, sex education, everything now is like really popular teenage sex dramas. Like, I don't know if anyone else occasionally finds that weird, but like, I find it incredibly weird and it always rubs me up the wrong way. I feel like it makes sense when you're a 16 or 17 year old and you're seeing these 16, 17 year olds on TV doing the stuff you dream about and wanted to do, and very rarely do. If you're getting adults to play teenagers, like you're getting adults to play teenagers who are engaging in all these activities.
And, but, oh, I don't know. I think, I think it's a bit, a bit off. Yeah.
I think one true that has done it really well. I am a big fan of sex education on Netflix. And mainly because, you know, as the name implies, a lot of it is about sex education and they're seeing these experiences with, you know, the person who I want to be when I grow up, which is one of their moms who is a sex educator and she's kind of, you know, you hear these two sides of it.
And I think that's a good show in terms of like, they are still teenagers. We're not going to forget that they're teenagers. It's not like euphoria. It's not gratuitous. Like we don't have boobs every episode. Whereas I feel like euphoria sexualizes the characters a lot more.
Yeah. Big time. I mean, I don't know if they have time to go to school. Like every time.
How are they passing? Are they passing?
Like, this is now a euphoria podcast. Well, our very own Otis, Otis of TikTok, sex education.
Oh, of course. Right. Okay. Yeah. Sorry. Maybe that maybe doesn't work as a reference. Yeah, you're Otis. Oh, I'm Otis. Yeah.
I want to be the gene. I want to be the gene of TikTok. As soon as I turned on that first episode, I was literally there. I'm like, it's like looking into a mirror of my future. Like, that's what I want to be. If I ever have kids, I just want to be like, Hey honey, like, have you used a condom recently? Get a nice little place up in Dalesford or something like that.
I'm not a cool mom. I'm a regular mom, but like, that's all right.
Like, well, Jane from sex education, thank you very much for joining us. Ismay James. It was a pleasure. That was very interesting. Thank you so much for having me to talk syphilis and everything. |
cracked | 7_video_game_puzzles_that_made_no_ing_sense | MOST INSIGHT IN VIDEO GAME PUZZLES!
So, how do I untie it? Can you tell me what kind of knot it is? Um, yeah, the big ol' nasty looking kind. Know anything about knots? Sure. Tying or untying? Untying.
I see. What's it look like? Here's a diagram. Follow those instructions exactly. Let's give that knot another try, okay? Okay.
I don't think that was right. They've got to be around here somewhere.
Wow. This is really interesting.
It's a black mustache.
Is this where y'all rent my oobids? Oh yeah. And may I see your passport? If you want to clear your name, you've got a few things to do. Okay, what?
I need the perpetrator, I need proof he was in the scene of the crime, and I need proof that he committed the crime. There's something scratched into the bottom of this. What a weird place to profess your love for someone.
What a dreadful story. That story's worse than the last one. |
dropout | future_raph_s_only_regret_ch_shorts | Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Sucka sucka now. E don't eat that donut.
I'm you from the future. Me from the future.
Why am I missing so many teeth? Tha's not the point. Just promise me you won't eat that donut. So the donut has something to do with me losing teeth? No, no. The donut is full of carbs, gluten, and simple sugars. Simple sugars?
Yes, exactly. That's right, sorry.
Ever since I got hit by that stray bullet, there's a lot of words that I can't pronounce. Stray bullets? Mm-hmm, yep, yep, yep. But I cut back on carbs, and I cut out gluten, and I have never felt better. Hot!
Okay, fine, I don't have to eat the donut. Now tell me what happens to me. Well, if you don't have to eat the donut, my work here is done. No, no, wait, wait, wait, hey, I still might eat that donut, huh?
Now tell me about that bullet. Oh, it was just a bullet meant for someone else, okay?
The accident is behind me now. I'm over it. By the way, I don't remember. Do the bathrooms here have stalls? Because I got to sit down with you now. Oh, God! Sorry, just a lot of information coming at me. I'm having a hard time processing. Ah, because of the brain reavers.
Oh no, that's next week. What's next week?
It's so, all right, you make a mistake, and you unleash a brain-eating virus on the world, and of course you feel bad because you're still eating carbs and gluten. Why are you so obsessed with carbs and gluten? Do I have celiac disease?
No, no, no, nothing that serious, come on. I just feel like you'll feel better about yourself. You know, I feel great. Look at me!
We have to stop me from getting shot. You have to stop eating carbs and gluten. I can't believe that I traveled all through time to try to help you with your health and well-being, and all you want to talk about is the shooting that killed a child. What? I said cut out the gluten. No, the last part about a child that was killed. What does that have to do with gluten?
Tell me when I'm going to get shot. Which time? There's multiple times? Did me do my thing? Look at my face.
Donuts, huh? Never touch this stuff. Grant!
Oh, it's been 20 years since you were alive. What year did you say you were from again?
You died so suddenly. My abs must have gotten so strong they exploded. No, just the opposite. Your abs are so weak that your spine snapped from having to compensate.
No, no, no. Now whenever anyone does something weak, they call it the grant. No, no. Parents stop naming their children grant because of you. Get away from my donuts.
Come on! Oh, God!
It's been so hard! Missed me this time. It's happening! Stay out of the college! You showed someone over a donut! It's about principle! I'm here to leave a detailed message.
Uh-huh. You did. I'd have did the same thing. |
dropout | forgotten_disney_princesses_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show. We take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings.
I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan That's right.
Yeah, not Chastity. Chastity. No. Not very chaste.
I don't know that about it. I don't know. I don't know that. I don't know. We don't know.
Chastity. That name means like a car. Like cars have Chastity. Yeah. That's uh, yeah. Like a real, well, usually cars have Chasties. Sure. But like a real sexy car. Has a Chastity. Check out the Chastity on that Chevrolet is what you would say. That's what I would say. Uh-huh.
So we're back. We're back on the College Humor Channel. Yeah, we're doing this. We went away for a while and Found ourselves. We found...
Got worse at drawing. We got worse at drawing.
Uh-huh. And uh, you know, it's uh, it's, it's always, it's interesting because we, we have our own channel. And uh, people on that channel have, have chosen to subscribe. Yes. To... Is this, is this like a, are you working your way around to an advertisement for our channels? Um, I mean, if you, if you wanna. If you wanna. If you wanna subscribe to us, you could at any time. You super could. Um, and you know, but there, there are always like some people who are just like, the hell is this crap? Right.
This isn't a sketch. Well, I mean, this is very much a sketch. This is, this is people sketching.
They got, they got confused. And the parallel is lost on me. I don't understand.
Um, and you know, we're, we're sorry, we're sorry to confuse you. We're always sorry. If we're, if above all else, we are sorry.
And people know that. People that will follow our channel, which you could, if you subscribe.
You could if you wanted to, or you can, you can, you can not. If you, if you hate it. If you hate it and everything we do. Just go away. You can leave.
Yeah. Here's the door. I'm not. You can't see, but we're pointing at a door. Yeah. Always. I'm not always pointing at doors though. Yeah. It's like, it's like a thing from, from movie theaters. Just know, know where the exits are. That's true.
You and, you and ready. You and ready. We're, uh, we're tight then.
I take many trips down to the red yard and don't actually, he's a terrible person. Don't look up, right?
You're Kipling. He had some bad ideas about a lot of stuff, but the jungle book looks fine. And, uh, in, in the original, you know, these are forgotten Disney princesses, original draft, the original draft of, uh, of the jungle book called for a, uh, it was, it was a lot more blue centric. Right. And it basically, it was, it was almost the exact same plot as sleeping beauty, except, uh, with bears. And then all of the other, all of the other characters were sort of incidental. Mowgli was added in after like some focus grouping where they're all like, I don't understand. This has nothing to do with the original, uh, they, they actually didn't know that there was, uh, a book called the jungle book.
They were just like, oh wait, we found that out later. We can just use this. Oh no. Uh, geez, we gotta get some retroactive licensing up in here.
So, but then they had this whole character. What was his character's name? Uh, princess bear. This was, uh, it was princess bear. It wasn't like, you know, Belina or something like that.
What is the relation to blue? Is this blue's love interest?
Yeah. Oh, I see. So yeah, she princess bear, uh, originally she was the keeper of all of the bear necessities. Oh, I see. Um, which she, she kept in this little, uh, that's, so that's the only thing left over from the original version is blue song. Yeah. That was, that was a, an homage to, uh, it actually, the bear necessities refer to her virginity.
It was a very raunchy, uh, the original version of the jungle book was very raunchy, uh, not very peachy. It was the first PG 13 Disney movie.
It was, uh, it was gonna, it was gonna be, uh, it was gonna explode. There's gonna be devices to a new paradigm, but you know, uh, they were like, you know what? We're just, we're just gonna make it just keep it simple.
We'll put a boy in it. And that was, that was Walt Disney's one note. It's like, put a boy in this movie. Put a boy in this movie. Put like a very minimally clothed boy. Put a naked, put a naked boy in this film or I won't see it.
That's what all the focus group said. And it worked as a hit just this way.
I was gonna ask before, does this princess have a name or is it just princess bear? Uh, I think in the original script, it was just princess bear. There may, there may have been like unknown. Unnamed. Yeah. Unnamed bear princess character.
I'm gonna call her Trisha. I think her name is Trisha. Princess Trisha. Yeah. Princess Trisha Bear.
Um, and she's got the bear necessities and balloon needs that. And, uh, let me tell you, he needs that simple nature. Give her some, some bear, some bear hair.
Oh, there you go. Whoa. This is holy shit, man. This is really good. Um, like this looks like Walt himself drew it. Oh, oh, Oh, oh, W240z W of this Isn't Silent Oak.
Means, uh, it means like I cared. I cared for this beard. Do you remember like, Oh man, I remember in high school talk with my friends like, you know, we were It's like you know we were you know still dating still figuring that stuff out. Oh, yeah, duh high school Oh, oh, and we'd be like sure I just I just want to I just want to get those bear necessities I just want to I want that simple nature's recipe. I Just I've got so much worry and strife dude you hear that Steve I just want to forget about it here that Catherine showed Steve for simple nature's recipe. Oh Dude, what dude?
It's a lie. He's no no no Karen. She would not She would not do that not on the first date. Oh, you know what her name should be Baron That's sad. Oh, yeah, that is that never mind. I didn't I didn't think that it's either.
Mine is still true What is she holding her hand that's that's her that that represents the bearness okay, that's her that's her virginity's sparkle Can I can I hop in yeah get draw draw another I've gotten This is this one is like prisoners super frickin prisoners a Disney princess is a doors new prisoners a dirty prisoners. Um, so this is going to be From the hit hit Disney film probably the most popular the most popular of all the Disney films dinosaur. Oh, yeah Yeah, that's everyone's favorite right the computer animated CG film CG Sorry for CG was was that great. So what what I'm trying to remember what what was the main dinosaur in that? I definitely nobody saw this movie.
His name was like Alders Aldo Albus Albus Dumbledore Albus the dinosaur Albus Dumbledore the racist dinosaur sure No, he was he was an iguana Don. Oh And he had he had a name that was like Mm-hmm almost a name. Mm-hmm. Like yeah, it was like almost like Alan But it was like al-ald rod and al-ald Ross al-dross Aldrosaurs. Yeah, sure You'll never defeat al-dross al-dross.
And that's that's the bad guy from Star Fox Now dice Andross, I know yeah, I'm not I'm not a loser. I know who the bad guy from Star Fox is. Okay, that So anyway, this movie is not good loser checklist, but I think it's funny that You know if we're going with the entire Disney cannon wasn't whoopi Goldberg She was every character Pollard expressed that movie Whoopi Goldberg is dinosaur won't be Goldberg Yeah in the in the legend is Pollard Like like Jim Carrey Pollard expressed Christmas girl Christmas girl. Yeah Super did yeah, all the all the models for the dinosaur sort of just whooping Goldberg making different facial expressions So this is um, I'm gonna Disney this up a little bit.
Yeah.
Yeah it cuz I mean the concept sketches would have been Yeah, you know give it a bigger eye. You can't 3d render this right now, but you can You you can Disney Disney Imaginearium The I can take it through the Disney. Yeah Yeah, that's a beautiful. Anyway, this is a beautiful dino. This is a velociraptor princess from Disney dinosaurs It was cut from the original version, right?
Her name is a princess blood tongue Sure princess blood tongue. There was an obvious. Um, you know the the the conflict revolved around the fact that uh, Al Aldor was Aldous was a Alduin was in love with her. Yeah, and She she just wanted to eat his flesh. Yeah, cuz she's a velociraptor and not in like the sexy way No, I'm the very unsexy. She just She was hungry Let me just get that in there. Oh, it's a it's a pretty pretty princess dress. Yeah. Oh Wow, she's she's a well endowed.
I didn't even know dinos had a well, that's Had those it's like, you know how when they found out that dinosaurs had feathers sure recently This was actually find that out. Yeah, they were like, oh dinosaurs all had feathers Except for this one But the other thing that they found out is that all dinosaurs had breasts. Oh, yeah, that was like a big big reveal It's hard to cuz yeah in fossils. You can't really you can't really make those out. No, it's tricky They found some well-preserved dino dino boobs In a recent on some very early need Neanderthal cave paintings that were very suggestive And the falls of course lived right alongside dinosaurs Right before Noah came and wiped them all.
Yeah Yes, you you you come here for the drawings, but you say learn learn just learning about learn some stuff That's super right this crazy world that we live in. Uh-huh. That's only six thousand. That's a short dress Yeah for mobility. Uh-huh, cuz she's still she's still hunting down. She's yeah, she is hunting down Aldous and his family Somebody like one person is gonna be a fan of this movie and they're gonna be like, hey Guys, how dare you? That was all of that information was wrong I was completely okay with the stuff about the earth being six thousand years old But that dino stuff not correct not correct. Not cool. Not right Not good not right not cool These are the things that you are All right, I'm gonna are the talons on the on the same side of each foot.
Uh, it's a little dizzy magic. Okay They just that was to save time in uh in rendering. They just they just copy the foot Well, it's like when you see one of those like uh, like screen caps and it's like Oh, wow, like disney screen caps are so weird. This is like all animation screen caps are weird because animation is hard There you go a little lesson a little lesson for you. Yeah, things are things are hard if it's weird, it's probably because it's hard That's like you see that yeah, it's like when you see, um, it's like oh, isn't it weird that like, you know People get older.
It's like yeah, because life is hard That's just a weird thing All right, that was a truthful so there's some princesses for you those are the forgotten The forgottenest of the disney princesses princess blood tongue and princess shila princess trisha Actually every disney movie that uh doesn't have a princess in it originally. Yeah was going to yeah Yeah, these are just two examples of many of many thousands There's there there's a whole team over in disney that just just is the princess division. Yeah And they uh, they just they just push to get if if there's no princess in the movie They all they all just have to go home and wait until next year. It's true This it's like uh, yeah, like they come home to their family and it's just like, you know princesses this year Guess i'm going back to the yes, i'm going back to disney world to do caricatures That's why frozen was such a big deal because i think there are two princesses. Yeah, there are ones So it was like double duty there is yeah, so these are our princesses.
Um, they're real they're canon Um, don't argue with us. Everything we said was true and as always we're very very sorry |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_april_ludgate_and_leslie_knope_on_working_for_the_government_snl | Well, according to a recent study, local governments are having trouble hiring new employees. here to encourage young people to get involved in local government. Is a longtime employee of the City of Pawnee, Indiana, April Ludgate. Hi, April. what? nothing. you said you came out here to talk about local government.
I will when you stop yelling at me. Okay, fine. So, yeah, everybody should get involved where they live. if you're young, you should get a job as a garbage man or something. Okay. are there other jobs? you want me to list them? Okay. fine. drive a bus. you don't have to be on time. nobody cares. work for the water department. you can drain the reservoir and find all the bodies and murder clues. Or just be a dog catcher and just say you couldn't find any. Yeah, because when you work for the local government, doing the bare minimum is doing your part. Okay, all right. Okay, but what if you actually want to work hard?
I don't know. you're annoying me. Just ask my old boss, Leslie Knope. Michael Che? Wow. yeah, so you work for the government? yeah, park service. So, how much fun is it working here? do you guys just sit around cracking each other up all day? I'm like 8 a.m. but yeah, generally. how does it take to run a federal agency? Well, all you do is you show up every day and you do the job, But I want to pick your brain about this job, about this show, because I used to watch this when Seth Meyers did it by himself with no one else. Look really easy. Yeah, yeah, so you said you were here to talk about the government? Yeah, but quick question.
President Biden, when he zoomed in before, could he see me or were the cameras off? I think he pre-recorded that. Oh, I thought this show was live. well, most of it is.
Oh, my God. can we just please go? This guy's been bothering me for like half an hour. Yeah, we can't stay long. we have a timed entry ticket to the M&m store. But before we go, and may I be so bold, do you mind if I try to tell a joke? I would love it. thank you. nice. Okay, let's see what you got. Okay, all right.
Oh, no, that's too mean. Oh, what? no, that's way too mean. What? no. Okay, I'll do this one.
A town in Alaska has launched a bus service for puppies. the service has expanded to puppies thanks to the heroic activism of Canine Civil Rights icon Rosa Barks. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_31_01_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Good morning and welcome to another Batutah Advocate News Bulletin. My name is Errol Parker. It is Friday the 31st of January and we're broadcasting live from the Budgie Smuggler booth.
Clancy Overrail is off sick, he slept through his alarm, he was on the piss last night. No one knows where he is.
And joining me here as always the ever reliable Richard Moorcroft is it this week or maybe this week we'll go for something like the Kenny Sutcliffe. Wendell Hussey how are you? Very well thank you Errol and very happy to go with Kenny Sutcliffe. What's making headlines this week Wendell?
Well Errol the rapidly spreading coronavirus has certainly been the story of the week which I believe Bridget McKenzie is very relieved about. Now there have been some breakthroughs on the epidemic front with Southern Californian street racer Dominic Toretto identified as patient zero for coronavirus. It's not known when the man who was made famous by the Fast and Furious movies was last in China but it's alleged it might have something to do with a recent high tech robbery that saw a 20 tonne bank vault dragged for 10 kilometres through the streets of inner city Wuhan behind several Ford GT40s. And they haven't quite figured out what this will mean for developing a vaccine for the virus but researchers have said that the bacterial infection hasn't yet killed Toretto because of his notably high pain threshold and an immune system that has seen him survive multiple high speed car and plane accidents. And there were a lot of comments on this one Errol unsurprisingly mostly from men around town and the country with very specific references like one from Ben Wingrove who said this is the risk you run when you overnight parts from Japan. Whatever that means Wendell and back on home soil now things were at panic stations across the country including the northern rivers of New South Wales in which we broke the exclusive story about a Byron mum worried this coronavirus might result in yet another deadly vaccine. She was all over the local information exchange page hitting out at Big Pharma and the government who she suspects has manufactured this virus to poison people with another vaccine. Yes Wendell the angry mother of Aldous and Petunia told us that she just can't believe how the people of this country just roll over and submit. Yeah 5G chemtrails fluoride in water the light rail burning path now this latest vaccine when will people wake up she said and those comments have landed her fringe Gold Coast Titans player boyfriend in a little bit of hot water. There was also a comment from Peter Flannery on this article brother of Tim I believe who said health authorities have been considering renaming the virus to stone and wood virus to try and get the message across to the people of the region.
Yes the iconic beer from up there. In some news from around town now and man wearing felt hat named Declan suggests using kombucha as a mixer drink. Well this I think he's a creative from down there in Brunswick in the People's Republic of Melbourne decided to throw on his hat and also throw his kombucha in the ring. It's believed that he's since been harassing his friends about kimchi and goji berries ever since. Two things Wendell that I am not really too familiar with are you familiar with these things? I ate a lot of goji berries once and it fucked me up big time. It's not a good way to love your gut like remedy kombucha is. Right what's next Wendell?
Some other news from around town this should be higher explains music fan who didn't vote in the Hottest 100. This type of thing seems to happen a lot Wendell but this particular story was about a local woman who still thinks that Matt and Alex are on the breakfast show and she was disappointed that bad guy came first obviously by Billie Eilish. From all reports in the story she was quite unhappy that people voted for that.
Which I don't mind it's a good bop if that's what they say these days. Makes you feel a bit silly. I'm not as old as you think I am.
Young at heart and another story from around town over the course of the weekend was crafty local boyfriend discovers way to faithfully promise he won't have another beer. Yes not sure how he got away with this but it's a really clever little life hack. He managed to promise his girlfriend that he would pull the pin and not have another beer at the pub with the boys. He came back with a little Canadian club and a big old grin which got him out of trouble on a technicality. Well if he was going out with my lovely wife that wouldn't fly. I don't think he was seeing the brighter side the next morning which she did in fact predict at the time when he tried to pull the little trick.
Moving on to sports news now and Catalan Dragons controversially signed Margaret Court on lucrative two year deal. Surprise surprise Wendell the Catalan Dragons have controversially signed Margaret Court on a lucrative two year deal proving that the Catalan Dragons will sign absolutely anyone. This follows the news that they signed former wallaby and controversial instagram influencer Israel Folau on a one year deal. And despite the fact that Margaret Court has never played a game of rugby league it's reported that she will slot into their back row and is looking at being a hard ball runner who mans up in defence and puts a few big shots on.
I'm looking forward to seeing Big Cordy running it up. As I think most sports fans around the country are. Anyway that's all for the bulletin this week. Thanks for tuning in as always.
And once again thank you to Budgie Smuggler the home of Australian made swimwear for the modern Australian man or woman. Head to budgysmuggler.com.au to get the limited edition Batutah Jugong's Budgie Smugglers today.
Until next week I'm Wendell Hussey. My name is Errol Parker until next week have a good one. |
TheOnion | Obama_Win_Causes_Obsessed_Backers_To_See_How_Empty_Lives_Are | We now continue our coverage of the terrible aftermath of Barack Obama's victory which has left Obama supporters across the nation with nothing to talk about.
For an update, let's go to Jane Carmichael. Jane. Thanks Andrea.
For the past year and a half, thousands of Obama's most obsessive supporters have devoted their every waking moment to the Obama campaign. Last night they were celebrating his victory, but today they woke up to the cold realization that they have nothing to fill their pathetically empty lives. This is Peter Kendley. For months he has talked about nothing but Barack Obama, turning unrelated conversations in coffee shops, bars and elevators into discussions about the Democratic candidate's vision for America. This morning, Kendley's roommate found him in an almost comatose state. Up until yesterday, he was so annoying that I wanted to kill him. Now I just want my old condescending Obama-obsessed friend back.
Experts say some voters' fixation with the Obama campaign ran so deep, they've lost the ability to process non-Obama-related information. Across the country today, authorities are reporting throngs of Obama supporters wandering without direction or purpose in streets and parks. We've been here all day. I try to reason with them. They just keep telling me to check out some new Obama video on some Obama blog or something. Many seem unable to understand that the campaign has ended.
You don't want to regret not voting. You want to make sure your paperwork isn't on time and that you're registered in the state that you want to vote in. You're not going to rest. We are not going to do anything until Barack Obama is the next president of the United States and we are full steam ahead until election day.
Jane, it just looks devastating out there. Who will take care of these people? We really don't know. Many have already driven away their friends and family with months of endless praise for Obama's latest speech and constant reminders to vote. Well that does sound annoying. Clearly they have no friends, nothing to live for. Right. What about Obama? Do you think he'll help these people? No, absolutely not. Really? In fact, Obama has said that he finds his supporters, quote, so irritating I can't even deal with it. Well, do you see an end to all of this, Jane? Well, you know, Andrea, I think a lot of people just hope these people will die. I think you're right. But, you know, worst case scenario is that someone with evil intent seizes control of them. Sure. They've proven their minds can be taken over by empty rhetoric. So if someone were to come up with a catchphrase as simple and vague as yes we can. Oh, awful. They would have an entire army of extremely energetic, insufferably annoying, mindless pawns at their command. Okay, well we're going to be praying that that does not happen.
Thank you, Jane. Sure, thank you.
Later in the hour, we'll tell you how to spot and avoid an Obama supporter by looking for clues on their messenger bag. And in other election news, the nation is preparing for an onslaught of obnoxious kids named Barack. |
cracked | there_s_no_reason_for_the_suicide_squad_to_exist_yboc | Suicide Squad begins in the post-Superman world where bad guys are filling the power vacuum left by Superman's chivalrously suicidal decision to just not let a woman save the world. She with you? I thought she was with you.
There are now witches and Egyptian gods or some shit and there's an utter dearth of heroes with the strength and moral fortitude to snap them next. So in a desperate, last-ditch attempt to defend Midway City, intelligence officer Amanda Waller decides to play the hand that she's dealt which has a lot of jokers. Waller rounds up a bunch of high-powered criminals, sticks explosives in their necks to discourage escaping and tells them to go out there and use their skills to murder a crazy witch and her sexy brother. In exchange, the criminals will each receive a little time off their many life sentences. Amanda Waller defends her bold strategy by saying that in a world of flying men and monsters this is the only way to protect our country.
Which surely makes sense. Except who's this guy discussing Amanda Waller's plan to let a bipedal crocodile out of jail in the hopes that he'll eat a witch? Haven't we like seen him somewhere? Listen, I can keep a secret. Oh, he's freakin' Batman, literally one of the greatest superheroes of all time. In fact, speaking of teens, Batman is fully aware of literal goddess Wonder Woman and Waller herself hands Bruce Wayne information on the whereabouts of The Flash, Aquaman, and Cyborg. He's like to make friends.
It's hard to imagine that even just a combination of Batman and Wonder Woman, or really just Wonder Woman, who's again a god, wouldn't be enough to defeat Enchantress and the Scorpion King or whatever the hell. The only reason Enchantress escapes in the first place was because Waller let her out of prison to join her new team. In a world with Wonder Woman, there's absolutely no moral or practical justification to risk creating the Suicide Squad. Batman already proved he was better than each of them by throwing them in jail in the first place, and Wonder Woman could kick Batman's ass all sorts of sideways so by the transit of property, she's gonna be way more effective. Don't use a bunch of dangerous, flighty criminals and psychopathic clown-hookers whose only superpowers are Looks Good in a Child Small T-shirt and baseball bat.
After destroying the planet for the fucking 40 years... What are you fucking... What a stupid d***h, ******. This guy's just like so pissed for no reason at all. I can't believe they destroyed the planet for the fucking 40 years! So fucking sweaty. |
TheOnion | GM_Recalls_600_000_Vehicles_For_Faulty_Car_Detonators | A battleship is awkwardly propped up against the Ferguson Police Department, an area Facebook user is incredibly stupid, and a local mom's bathing suit is just one giant body-eclipsing ruffle. Appearing only to those who are strong in mind and pure of heart, this is The Onion Week in Review. In a stunning announcement this week sure to have an impact on consumers everywhere, multinational automaker General Motors issued an emergency recall of 600,000 vehicles for faulty car detonators. Citing malfunctioning firing pins and short-circuiting switches in a number of their most popular models, company officials were compelled to alert consumers to the issue after a federal investigation revealed the vehicle's plunger explosives were failing to ignite properly, noting that more recent models with remote detonators were not included in the recall and should be functioning according to industry safety standards. The world's leading geneticists gathered at a conference this week to debate the ethics of cloning human beings and compelling them to fight to the death in a rock-filled pit for our amusement. Experts at the conference reportedly discussed questions key to the scientific field, such as the morality of arming hundreds of clones with spiked maces and pitting them against each other on a small platform surrounded by molten lava. While cloning humans and goading them into viciously battling certainly raises ethical questions, it's important that we consider this topic with an open mind. Simply put, whether or not we should be stranding clones on a desert island, assigning them weapons by a lottery system and making them murder one another tournament style remains a matter up for debate.
In a new advertising initiative, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a revamped tourism campaign this week, hoping to lure more visitors by reminding them that they can leave the city at any time. Salt Lake City is an incredible place to visit, pass through, or avoid entirely. Drive on over to Main Street and shop till you drop at City Creek Center, or keep right on going and take Interstate 80 straight out of Utah. And in this week's local news, a man is wearing a low-cut swimsuit, as though a public pool is some kind of sun-kissed Sardinian cove. In other news, China's veteran reporters blast the decline of traditional state-run journalism. A new study finds human hearing is most acute when listening to arguing parents from the top of the stairs, and fireflies almost manage to salvage a local man's shitty day. As Homer's name was carried on through the passing down of his epic tale, so too shall I live on with this internet news summary. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com |
ClickHole | photoshop_tutorial_master_how_to_make_it_look_like_you_re_channing_tatum_s_father | Hey guys, back with another tutorial here. Today I'm going to show you how to Photoshop yourself so it looks like you're Channing Tatum's dad. Okay, so we already have our canvas open, so we're going to drag in a picture of Channing Tatum. I selected this one earlier, just going to put that right there. Great, looking good. Next, drag in a picture of yourself. So of course, I'll be using me in this demonstration, so I'm going to drag in a picture of me. Look how proud I look.
Okay, so this is already looking good, but it's not screaming father quite yet. The thing I like to do is to put Channing in a spelling bee. So I got some assets here, I'm going to drag these in, got a podium, I have to resize that just a bit. Make sure Channing can speak those words right into that microphone, put that right there. I also have some curtains to give a little stage atmosphere, just kind of really making it pop that Channing's on that last tough word and he's looking to you for father with support, which of course you're giving him. Okay, great. Okay, so I'm kind of heading behind the curtains here, so I'm going to bring myself forward a couple of layers. That's right where we want you. Now, some people like to make it look like you're playing catch with Channing instead of the spelling bee, but I think adding both makes for a stronger effect.
So I'm going to drag a glove in here. There we go. And then I'm going to resize this just a bit. Drag that on over to my hand. Of course, I'm a lefty.
Great. And then I'm going to copy that and give one to my son Channing. Great. Now we're playing catch at the spelling bee. This is looking really good.
So now to really hammer it home, insert a picture of a ruddy-faced boy with mean eyes who's being a little aggressive towards Channing. I'm going to bring him in here, kind of a natural instigator, kind of a good-for-nothing kid. And then you're going to want to position you in front of Channing to ensure that he's not bullied. So I'm going to select myself, bring myself over here, right in between them.
Perfect. That's a father's touch.
So this looks great. But remember, there's no wrong answers when it comes to photoshyming yourself as Channing Tame's dad. So let's take this other picture example. We're going to open up a new canvas with this other picture of Channing. Looking good. And then let's drag in a picture of yourself again.
Of course, I'm using me. Pop myself around here. I have to do a little resize where I kind of put yourself. I'm going to put myself right over this older gentleman here. We're resizing.
Boom. Right there. Another technique, I've found a thought bubble can often go a long way into showing that you're Channing Tame's dad. So I'm going to drag this thought bubble in here, kind of resize that as well. Put that right over his head here. Boom.
That's looking good. Now, Channing does not have a twin brother, but giving him one really adds to the experience, making you the father of not one, but two Tame boys. So let's use the elliptical marquee tool here, and we're going to select Chan's head. Okay, then we're going to copy that, and then we're going to drag it over this older woman here, right about there, and voila, Christopher Tatum. Okay, great. I got one more last touch to add to this one is drag a picture of yourself, and again, the one you used moments earlier, and kind of really scale yourself down to really small. You're going to see why in a sec. And then put yourself over right over where his eyes are, because we're going to zoom in to see his eyes. That's great. Let's zoom on in right into those steely green eyes he's known for. That's great. Put yourself, zoom in until you can really fit yourself over the pupils of Chan's eyes.
Just kind of really show that you're kind of in his heart, excuse me, and on his mind always, and we're even going to drop the opacity a bit to really show that you're in there in his eyes. He's always thinking of you. You're never far from his thoughts, and even a little bevel I found, this little nice touch here, adding a bevel, kind of has that dewy look to show that he's really appreciative of all those things you've done for him.
Chan's an appreciative kid, because that's what you taught him. You taught him to be that way.
And then I'm going to put myself in his other eye too, and zoom out here and take a look at our finished product, and yeah, that's looking great. So that's how it's done. Thanks for watching. Please leave your Channing dad pics in the comments below, and I'll see you next time. Bye, guys. |
cracked | 5_video_game_puzzles_totally_designed_to_gaslight_you_video_game_purgatory | Hi, I'm Lisa Summerscales, and this is video game purgatory. If you use your decoder ring to find the path to the silver key and then spun in a circle and did a little dance just to get to this point, then you already know what today's episode is all about. Insane and arbitrary puzzles. Video game puzzles walk a fine line between making you feel clever and making you feel like your only hope is to have the same exact mental illness as their creator. So the right-shrieking voices in your head can explain their otherwise inexplicable logic to you. These puzzles are the second kind. Silent Hill games are famous for being 10 psychologically jarring thrillers set in a nightmare world that reflects the fears of the person inside it. And apparently, Silent Hill heroes share a crippling fear of high school English class. At one point, you visit a hospital full of monstrous nurses and a room of corpses numbered 0 through 9, like a Price is Right puzzle designed by Bob Barker after a deep existential crisis.
You need four of those numbers to open a lock. But which four? Well, there's a poem on the lock, and each corpse holds a poem about a bird because everyone knows evil monsters love amateur ornithology. So for example, the fourth verse in the main poem references the sweet blood on his laughing lips and the gates of hell. That's obviously a reference to the first bird poem, so the fourth number is one.
Get it? Because the sparrow's a killer? Come on, it's all clear allusion to the 18th century British nursery rhyme. And let's be real. Who plays a video game before studying up on Enlightenment-era folklore?
In the Samaritan paradox, you're hired to investigate the suspicious suicide of a mystery writer. He supposedly drowned himself, so you start with a new owner of his boat, only for him to refuse to talk to you until you help him finish his crossword puzzle.
So far, this makes perfect sense by game logic and by real logic, too. That's how things work in real life. You need me to what?
Help me with my crossword puzzle. It's two down, British economist possibly saved capitalism. It's six letters.
This is a murder investigation. Someone died on your boat. Mm-hmm. It starts with a K. Does that do anything for you? Murder investigation.
It's Keynes. Keynes. Keynesian. Economics is the whole K-E-Y-N.
Unfortunately, there's one clue that stumps you. What's the name of the dead writer's detective hero? His daughter can't tell you because while she loved her father enough to pay a man to investigate his death, she apparently treated his life's work like it was a child's drawing that you have glance at.
So obviously, the solution is to go to a totally unrelated bar. Hey, it's what everyone else does. He sucks at their job. Did you catch that blob of pixels sitting above the pool table? You're supposed to discern that he's reading a book and it just so happens that it's the one that you need. So you just talk to him. Or maybe buy him a beer, right? Ugh, you're adorable. He refuses to have anything to do with you.
And the only way to fix that is to rummage through the old cushions of the couch for spare change. Give that change to the guy by the jukebox. Wait for him to turn on a really loud song that makes the reader storm out and then steal his book he leaves behind.
So you can solve a crossword puzzle in a game that came out in 2014. It's almost too easy. Not as easy as using Wikipedia, obviously, but it's up there. King's Quest came out in the ancient Mistrata days of 1983 when every game was either do the same basic task endlessly until you get carpal tunnel or solve a series of borderline impossible puzzles that disguise the fact that our game is only 20 minutes long. These games are now known as classics.
At one point, Anome asks you to guess his name. Because this is a game with lots of references to fairy tales, he's obviously supposed to be Rumpelstiltskin. So you guess that, and you get told that you're not even close. And you can just feel the condescension oozing off of him. Here he is in the remake where he looks like a smug little Keebler elf.
But after you give it a pause and give it a good thing, you remember that note you assembled across earlier that read, sometimes it is wise to think backwards. So you spell Rumpelstiltskin backwards, right? Come on to your games, little ninkelstiltspermer. Wait, that sounded either. God damn it, you little, okay. So it's 1983.
There's no internet, no walkthroughs, and your friends think you're a weirdo for wasting time on this gimmick technology that won't catch on. And with nowhere to turn for help, you either give up and see if you can make a game out of the spreadsheet program, or you can waste hours of your life trying everything you can think of until you eventually stumble across it.
You're supposed to flip the entire alphabet backwards. So A is now Z, B is now Y, and Rumpelstiltskin is now Iffnica, Iffnica-verga, Iffnica-vigronk. It's now a stupid name. Oh, and the developers also happen to use the less traditional spelling of Rumpelstiltskin. Which is my polite way of saying that they spelled his name wrong because they're dumb and I hate them, and that's why their stupid series is dead.
Stupid Noam thinks he's so smart, but he won't even spin me any gold. That's what he does, he spins gold.
The longest journey is a sprawling tale of good versus evil told between interconnected fantasy and sci-fi worlds. Absolutely none of which is known to you near the start of the game.
When your art student heroine decides she needs to retrieve a random key from some electrified subway tracks. It's called being financially responsible. She can melt that key down, sell it for scrap, and then, you know, use the profits to buy a used paintbrush, or whatever. That's a real bargain for art students. Reduce, reuse, you know, whatever.
The game won't let you shut down power to the entire metropolitan area just so you can satisfy your magpie-like hoarding tendencies. So obviously, the next step is to trudge back to your apartment in a totally different part of the city and start screwing with a machine that controls water pressure. Your goal is to steal that clamp because apparently it's the only clamp left in your sprawling industrial city set in a grim future where Home Depot has gone out of business.
And rather than just talk to your building super, who's literally a character that you're on friendly terms with, you just have to do it yourself. I guess pretending to be an expert in something you have no experience in does make her a realistic college student. Nice one, Lace. Next, you, okay, neither of us wanna be here all day losing our tenuous grasp on the concept of logic, so let's just power through this.
So you go back up to your apartment, look out the window, see an inflatable duck trapped in sewage water below. You drop breadcrumbs onto it, watch seagulls come and peck a hole into it. Grab the clothesline hanging outside because f*** your neighbors who were using it. Find where the duck floated off to, patch the hole with a band-aid, reinflate it, tie the clothesline to the clamp and put the clamp through the duck and force it open. Rip off the band-aid and then hold the contraption over the key like you're fishing and wait for the deflating duck to let the clamp snap closed. Well, that was absurd. But as improbable and infuriating as that sequence of events was, it was all worth it when you discover that the key gives you access to a movie theater fuse box. You break it so you can sneak in so you can meet a man that you met already earlier right outside of your apartment so he can immediately lead you out into an easily accessible back alley.
All right. Anyway, while you're on the case, you get shot and go to heaven. But you're not gonna let a little thing like eternal paradise keep you from your job so you steal a woman's clothes, convince a heavenly guard to meet you at a bar for drinks and then sneak into the room that he was guarding to teleport back to Earth. But wait, that's not the stupidest part. Your hero has absolutely no reaction to learning the answer to life's greatest mystery and instead just gets right back to work like he's finished up a lunch break. That dastardly Bernie is now murdering women and hiding their bodies all around town and you need to stop him from prematurely sending them to paradise, I guess. What you just saw was pretty self-explanatory but just to be clear, you threw a Molotov cocktail into a public museum to melt a wax statue of King Louis XIV that a naked woman had been fatally baked into. Classic Bernie Bergson. That still wasn't the stupidest part, you guys. Later, you find yourself in Bernie's underwater lair and you need your girlfriend's help to stop him from using his cloning device to rob heaven. Just roll with that, guys. We've got dumber fish to fry. You see, earlier in the game, you fell for the world's most obvious trap and accidentally shot your girlfriend dead. So you clone yourself, murder the confused man you just created and have him retrieve your girlfriend from heaven. Duh. Then together, you save the day. The credits roll and you skip right past the part where you and your girlfriend you killed and form the world that heaven is real. It was almost knocked off by a murderous, scientific genius and waxworking enthusiast.
Tragically, the sequel of Hopkins Pope was never completed.
I wish I could share more video game puzzles with you but the string of words I just said are so insane that I'm worried my mouth will trick my brain into thinking that we're actually having a stroke if I say any more. So let's just say that that's it for now and join me next month for something different yet equally horrible. Hey, I'm Lisa Summerscales and this has been Video Game Purgatory. Join us every month and if you guys wanna tell us what you wanna see more of, go ahead and comment right below. You can follow me at Instagram at L Summerscales or on Twitter at I Am Summerscales. |
dropout | the_truth_about_video_games_and_violence_adam_ruins_everything | What's up fam? It's Reaper666 streaming for you live from the Reef Den. Today we're going old school with a classic. We've got Cruncher3, blood-pocalypse rogering. Henry, it's time for lunch. Dad? Get out! Wait, what is this?
Are you playing violent video games again? You're going to wind up on the 6 o'clock news. Don't worry dad, the idea that video games cause violent crime is a total myth. That is disgusting. They're trying to brainwash you into thinking that video games are safe. Nope, you're the one who's been brainwashed. For as long as video games have existed, they've sent American parents into a frenzy of fear. In 1976, the National Safety Council panicked over the arcade game Death Race, calling these tame little pixels 666.
Truly! And in the 90s, politicians had a full-scale freak-out about a little game called Mortal Kombat. Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman claimed it taught kids to, quote, enjoy inflicting the most gruesome forms of cruelty. Real cruel, come on.
But despite these repeated parades of pearl clutch and panic, there's still no actual evidence linking video games to violent crime. Moral outrage unnecessary. Eh, I don't know. I'm still not convinced. Well, let's look at the facts.
As video game sales in America have spiked, violent crime has actually gone down. And other countries where games are popular have even lower rates of violent crime.
Soda, I've never seen a video game like this before. I've never seen it before.
And despite the lazy media narrative connecting mass shootings to video games, multiple studies, including an analysis by the Secret Service, have found that school shooters actually consume significantly lower amounts of violent media in video games than their peers. So you're saying video games don't have any effect on our kids at all? Not even that game Fork Knife, where you kill people with pickaxes? It's called Fortnite, Dad. Pickax is a harvesting tool.
Well, some studies do show that violent video games can cause a temporary increase in aggressive thoughts and behavior. But those studies are pretty flimsy because they didn't measure anything the average person would actually consider aggression. One study just measured whether or not people who played video games were more likely to feed their opponents hot sauce. Hey. And even if these studies had tested real world acts of aggression, the change in behavior they measured was tiny, just 2% on average. Other studies have shown a similar effect in racing games and even real life sports.
Dad does reach out whenever I beat him at ping pong. That's cause you play dirty, Henry. Oh, uh, I see it now. Guys, meet video game researcher and level 30 demon slayer, Dr. Patrick Markey. Sup Reaper666, hope you don't mind I already defeated that final boss.
Blaming video games for real world violence really took off after the Columbine shooting and it was an understandable mistake because we all desperately wanted some reason why someone would commit such a horrific act of violence. But today we know video games actually aren't what's to blame. And yet politicians across the political spectrum still scapegoat video games. As recently as the 2018 Parkland tragedy, the president of the United States was saying things like I'm hearing more and more people say the level of violence on video games is really shaping young people's thoughts. And reporters parrot this lazy narrative right back. After the Newtown school shooting, it was widely reported that the gunman played video games. But what they left out was that his favorite game, the one he'd play up to 10 hours a day was Dance Dance Revolution. The fact is, it's just easier to blame video games than to tackle societal problems that actually impact rates of violence. Things like educational and employment disparities, stigma against seeking mental health treatment, and especially in the case of shootings, access to guns. Instead, we're wasting time and tax dollars on even more research to try to prove a link between violence and video games that just doesn't exist.
That's right. I'm a video game researcher and even I think this is a waste of time. And that's why I'm taking a break to beat the next level. Oh man, it's underwater. See you guys.
The truth is scapegoating and banning violent video games doesn't protect kids. It just distracts us from figuring out what we really need to do to keep people safe.
Oh, you're right. Henry, you can play that gut game with supervision. Okay, dad. You just gotta narrate everything for the stream. Hmm? Let's see what we got. Did you just shove that gun up his... Oh, God. |
dropout | global_warming_rap_battle | Ugh, this heat wave is unbearable! Whoa there, bud!
Before you get your low degree on, maybe stop and think about how you're spending free on. Aces seem cool, but they sap a lot of power, and those ice caps are getting smaller by the hour. So if you want to chill out, here's a solid plan. Crack that window, or buy a nice box fan.
Toss at AC, cause no offense meant, but nothing feels cooler than helping the entire- fuck that! Drink this shit! Get some bridge in and rip it! Screw the polar bass, dude! My nut got sweat drippin'! It's hot as a mofo! You mean as a bitch! I'm about to drink this shit till we get frostbitch! It's better all-unit, that can go below 16! We're pressuring our sweaters, so let's get this bitch named B! Convenient truth is, AC is legit! So the polar ice caps can fucking suck my juice!
Stay smart in the summer, do your part! In the summer, we should all play nice, lower life. Nuh man! Conserve in the summer, preserve in the summer, don't need to drink beer, volunteer in the summer!
Fuck that! Cool on out, bud! Show some hesitation, cause you're only three miles from your destination!
A bicycle's a nice way to feel the breeze It's easy on your knees and the fuel is free Stay hydrated with Mother Earth's potion H2O, it'll keep you in motion Helmet on, shorts, hike, ready to go On a summertime adventure 2-0-0 Fuck you, it's too hot Don't bike like a dumbass Hop in my Hummer, we can guzzle supreme gas And if we make a stop when it's fucking sunny We're gonna keep the car cool Leave the engine running real cool Stay hot, drink it, drink it 60 ounce red bulls And when we're all finished We're all right out our windows Rittering the bomb Cause that shit's so insane And someone else's probably gonna That shit's so clean Get drunk, feel the summer Drop, drop, feel the summer Flick a cigarette Button, drop, leave to the summer Gotta find, really summer Burn in time, really summer If you wanna get girls Girls, girls, girls in the summer Summers like this I hope I'll see ya Taking a dip at the local marina Fucking jet skis Getting mad speed I get a mile to the gallon Breaking coral reef No, please stop Man, you're killing the ocean Can you have fun Without spreading destruction? Don't knock it till you try And have you ridden a jet ski? I suppose that I have it You'll then get in the bitch seat Awww, shit Aah, this is great You are toasting, son You are messing with the ozone And it's time for fun Jet ski for life, man Yo, fuck all the fishes Who gives a shit about common ambition? Let's face the ocean with manatee brings Straight rocket off their domes, yo, this shit is insane You were killing the planet But no need to dread By the time the world ends We'll already be dead! |
TheOnion | GOP_Supports_Obama_For_2012_We_Need_More_Time_To_Completely_Ruin_His_Life | A can of soda in the freezer realizes its owner is never coming back. Bristol Palin accidentally mentions her mother's 15 abortions in an interview, and Laffy Taffy sponsors every cobblestone at the Ground Zero memorial. And now what we are contractually obligated to refer to as a week in review. Both straight and gay servicemen say they are looking forward to September when they can finally get around to all the asking and telling they've been waiting to do. Military officials say they will cease all operations for two weeks to give American servicemen and women adequate time to ask and tell, with many soldiers opting to do all of their asking in the first week before moving on to telling. GOP officials unveiled their new political strategy for 2012, re-electing President Obama and making his life even more of a living hell. Republicans say turning the president into a broken shell of his former self is at the core of their party's values, and giving Obama four more years in office will allow them ample time to destroy his faith in humanity, turn his hair completely white, and ruin his marriage by 2016.
In science news, researchers trace the July heatwave to a massive star at the center of the solar system. Research suggests the star is the same orb seen floating over the sky every day and that may warm the Earth through radiation. Scientists also postulate that the star may contribute to phenomena such as sweating, hot car seats, and puddle disappearance.
In sports, Rex Ryan's mouth is officially open for the 2012 season. In other news, using the amount of toothpaste shown in commercials is a disgusting experience, a grizzled proofreader has seen it written both ways, and a cackling Warren Buffett burns his entire fortune in front of the nation. And that is a far, far better review than you deserve. Go to TheOnion.com slash Newsbeat for more news, videos, and moral certitude. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Honouring_The_Queen_A_Proud_Local_Bloke_Leonardo_DiCaprio_Mixes_It_Up_More_September_16 | I can believe it because we're starting to see some green pick on the London plane trees here in the old city district. We're starting to see the cream of the sporting crop rise to the surface. And of course, your favourite sport, A-League, is just around the corner, Wendell.
It is, it is. I'm very excited for that. Getting out there with the hundreds of people that turn out to Brisbane Roar Games, also that time of the year where every single morning I come in and I've got about four, five hundred mils of sweat underneath each armpit. So things are certainly working. I know, I sit right next to you. Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that. Well, you can always do what, um... It's a health, it's actually a health condition.
You could do what Clancy did as a young man, and you can get this surgery where they cut the nerves that go to your sweat glands in your armpits. I think you could do laser now as well for it. Yeah, well, you know, this is way back in our day, but yeah, look, he had them all done. Basically, when, if you've ever seen Clancy at the gym, only his head and his hands and his feet sweat. Oh, so he'll just get the red face and the sweat and stuff. Well, I've been getting my pubes lasered, so I might ask them if they can do the underarms here as well. Do the other places absorb and take on all the extra sweat?
Look, that's a, that's probably... Question for Clancy? Yeah. That's a question for Modern Science. I'm not a scientist, I'm just a, I'm just a down on my luck journalist here in the Channel Country. You had a good week? It's been alright, mate. But I think we should really get to the crux of the week, which is, of course, the death of our sovereign, King Charles' mum. She's gone. Yeah.
And, yeah, the ABC and the rest of the media pack is really going hammer and tong for it. Yeah, it's been a big few days. We just released a big story on it, didn't we, Effie? What was the headline on that one? So the headline on that one reads, okay, you can give it a fucking rest now. Nation tells ABC suck-ups.
I believe they've sent 27 reporters to London? We've sent 27 reporters to London.
Yeah. 27 interns. Yeah, they have. So the ABC, you know, they're a bit different because it's our money. You know, we're paying 20 cents a day, and I tell you what, I'm not paying 20 cents a day for that fucking Michael Rowland to be over there. I want him front and center at the ABC headquarters in Melbourne, giving me the news like he does. I mean, he doesn't need to be gallivanting over there on taxpayer dime in London. I mean, he's well above that. Yeah. Well, Tracey Grimshaw's in it, and I don't begrudge Tracey getting over there and doing a current affair live from London. But yeah, you're right. There's a lot of other stuff going on in the world for Michael to just to be heading over there and smiling and giving us the news about the Royals every single day. Because after seven days, I think it's eight now, of nonstop coverage, speculation, and live crosses with experts, the brazen, anglophilic news coverage has only confirmed the catastrophic identity crisis rippling through the 90-year-old broadcaster.
And it's caused the nation to just say, give it a fucking rest already. We've had enough. Well, I'll tell you what the absolute worst thing about this whole thing is, is that we don't get another 70-year break. Yeah. No, you see, this is, you know, we've got 10 years until this hoopla starts again.
Before another dumb dog goes. No, and from one dumb dog to another, what's the next story?
Yes, a local fuckwit buys himself a fuckwit car. Yes, this story was about a commercial leasing agent. Fuck me, they're always commercial leasing agents.
His name was Robbie Pickle, you know, he said he needs a car to suit his fuckwit image. And there's no better car on the market than a hot Mercedes hatch with a stupid fucking spoiler on the back. Yeah, look, he sneered at the wages we earn as journalists and then told us he doesn't actually see an issue driving the alleged fuckwit car and thinks that it makes him look, and I quote him here, mad. We asked Robbie about that choice of the vehicle and why he thought it was mad. And he said, when I give it some of the lights and it kicks down, the exhaust lets out this obnoxious crack and it makes me feel like I've made it in life.
Do you know how much it cost me? It cost me like $99,000 and not a cent of that is financed or leased. It's all me, baby. I don't think that's true.
I think that most of those cars are on what we in the business call a chateau mortgage, which is basically the car goes in your name and then you pay it off bit by bit through the bank. So, um, it's kind of like a line, but it's got a fancy, you know, it does sound quite nice. Chateau is very fancy.
Yeah. Comment on that story from Ligma grind on Instagram. Um, I don't think Ligma is his real name. He said, it looks like the editor's a bit jelly about a sick drift. What happened, bro? Crying emoji, crying emoji from Ligma grind there.
Look, I don't, I don't get jealous. I get even. So if I see him at the lights, I'll be sure to, uh, let him know what boost control in a V.E. Commodore was like. Yeah, very nice. Well, look, he's been, he's been character assassinated in the daily newspaper that goes around town and has thousands of readers. So I think you're more than even, I think you're certainly in a surplus there. And speaking of fuckwits, more on the fuckwits topic. Yes, there's more fuckwits as Leonardo DiCaprio mixes things up and goes for a cougar. Yes.
The famous American actor has reportedly moved on from his previous girlfriend, Camilla Marrone, who turned 25 recently. And if you aren't across this celebrity stuff, because understandably you have better things to do with your time. Leo is famous for not dating anyone over the age of 25, Errol Parker. However, Wendell, that has all changed with the now Academy Award winner. He's dating a somewhat geriatric blue smoke blowing 27 year old model named Gigi Hadid. But it's unknown if it's just a publicity stunt to prove his image and also prove that he doesn't have a weird thing for 25 year old women, or that he is just genuinely into cougars now that Gigi's come into his life.
If he is, come down to the Lake Patoota Surf Club, come a Friday arvo, music's flowing, band's on. Mate, he'll be like a piglet that's fallen into the swamp of some wetland on the island of Komodo in Indonesia, just screaming for his life while, you know. Yeah, yeah, that first bite injects a pack of brings him down, Komodo dragons come sliding up the wetlands with their Marlboro lights and their white wine.
And white jeans as well. White pants too.
Yes, I've been that little piggy many times. That's a really startling visual. Thanks guys.
Finishing up with sports news now? Yes, some more sports news and there's a bit of a crossover here, but not respecting the queen is actually worse than rape and murder, says bootlicking snowflake. Yes, if you haven't been watching the eight days of Australia's rolling news coverage of the queen's death, then you might not be aware of one of the most disgraceful news stories coming out of the world of rugby league. Pearl clutching radio shock jocks and red wine so conservative commentators were this week blown away that a 25 year old indigenous NRLW player decided to make a joke about the passing of a monarch whose family have caused a lot of suffering and dispossession to a lot of people around the globe. Yes, the young woman caused a real stir when she posted a humorous tweet about the queen which was met by outrage by people like Way Hadley who said it was the most morally reprehensible thing he had ever seen in rugby league.
Yeah, that's right. Disgusting is far worse than former rugby league star Chris Dawson murdering his wife to pursue an affair with an underage school student or worse than the time half the Newtown Jets got sentenced to life in Bangkok Hilton for trafficking heroin or countless examples of rape, sexual assault, domestic violence, grievous bodily harm. That's a victimless crime. I maintain that. Same as the shitting in the shoe. That's fine. That's all good. I think there's one victim in that, I think it's your shoe. Well if you're on a rugby league trip and you take your shoes off at the door like some Protestant then I guess you're asking to get a poo in it.
Yeah, that's the way the universe works and look, all of that stuff according to these guys pales, absolutely pales in comparison to calling a 96 year old monarch a dumb dog. Isn't it dumb dog? Dumb dog, yeah. Also another dumb dog this week, my neighbour's dog continues to run. It chases cars and it died this week as well, passing of another dumb dog. You've told me about this dog right? It goes after the tyres and obviously they put the collar and stuff on it but it hasn't worked anyway so that's the second dumb dog that died this week.
Well he who hasn't pooed in a shoe casts the first shoe, I say. That is sage words to finish up this weekly, this offensive weekly bulletin with. Have a great week everybody. See you later. Bonsoir. |
TheOnion | police_find_super_sharp_buck_knife | Shortly after members of the New York Police Department found a super sharp buck brand pocket knife earlier this morning, Lieutenant Joseph Mattioli spoke to Onion reporters at the scene of the discovery to update the public on this potentially deadly blade. At 840 a.m. police discovered what seems to be a pretty badass buck knife. Investigators believed to be basically the deadliest knife ever. It actually seemed like there's a little blood on the tip which is super freaky. As you can see this knife is so sharp that we believe it can easily cut through a piece of paper maybe even an apple. Mattioli confirmed that the pretty cool wood handled knife has a clean edge and added that the blade must be quote at least like eight inches long. At this time we'd like everyone to be aware that there's probably a man out there with an eyepatch and scars all over his face that has access to these knives or maybe even a samurai sword. We urge people to be careful when approaching him because he may flip out and chop both your arms off before you even realize it. Following the announcement Mattioli asked people to come forward if they had any information about the owner of the knife or if they just wanted to hold it for a couple of seconds. For more on this story check this week's Onion review. |
cracked | the_25_check_that_ruined_jerry_springer_s_political_career_cracked_moments_in_history_april_29 | CRACKED MOMENTS IN HISTORY April 29, Jerry Springer resigns from Cincinnati City Council after writing $25 personal check to a prostitute. The name Jerry Springer has long been synonymous with questionable judgment. Best known for his eponymous Jerry Springer show, the trash TV host spent 27 years highlighting important human interest stories, such as, I cheated because you're pregnant, my brother took my V-card, and I married a horse.
But long before the daytime tabloid king spent his time on Earth manipulating the lowest common denominator, he was a beloved and dedicated public servant. Cincinnati residents remember him as the most gifted and natural politician of their time. Political consultants describe him as the best they've ever seen, bar none. And if he hadn't sealed his political fate with the stroke of a pen, for the stroke of a pen-15, he may have found his too-hot-for-TV face etched into Mount Rushmore. Born in a London tube station in 1944, Jerry Springer grew up to earn a law degree from Northwestern University, and at just 27 years old, he was elected to Cincinnati's City Council and served as a grassroots politician, occasionally tagging along with garbage men, spending the night with prisoners in jail, and pretending that noodles belong in Chile. His natural political talents brought in comparisons to Bobby Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton. They were closest with that last one. On April 29, 1974, the Cincinnati Inquirer published a story about a well-known political figure under investigation in Ohio and Kentucky.
A vice squad had reportedly uncovered an unnamed politician's involvement in a prostitution operation at a health club. That evening, Mr. Springer abruptly resigned from his post, and the following morning, he appeared at a press conference to explain that he had, in fact, quit due to problems that were better faced as a private citizen, as he sought to balance his career and his checkbook. A day later, he testified in court to being and having an active member at a Northern Kentucky health club, where an ID card apparently grants access to a very steamy room. While maintaining that he only used the club for legitimate purposes, borrowing a phrase from every guilty mobster in history, he nevertheless admitted to issuing two personal checks for sex, one for $25 in return for sexual relations and one for $50 for an act of prostitution.
In the memo field, he'd written four services rendered. There was no word on where he'd left his receipt.
In spite of Mr. Springer's public flogging, Cincinnati voters, including the wife that he'd cheated on, ultimately forgave his transgressions and admired his candor. He was handily re-elected back to the city council in 1975, and even became the city's mayor in 1977. In 1982, he sought the state's highest office and ran for governor, but was ultimately dogged by opponents for his $75 investment in a low-rent massage parlor. He attempted to take his critics head-on, releasing an ad in which he reminded Ohio that he spent time with a woman that he shouldn't have and paid her with a check, but wound up placing a distant third in the Democratic primary. The electorate at large declined to embrace Jerry or his Springer. While Mr. Springer would spend the next several decades flirting with a return to public office, he primarily served as John to a different form of prostitution.
Television news! Reinventing himself as a local television host, his grasp on public affairs made him a popular anchor and commentator. But after launching a thoughtful political talk program, the format was quickly retooled to satiate the public's appetite for stories of hillbilly heartbreak, Marion a 16-year-old, and boxing babes. From 1991 to 2018, Mr. Springer would go on to host 4,969 episodes of what TV Guy described as the worst show in television history, because of its corrosive impact on American culture, and because the newsroom hadn't been released yet.
But if it hadn't been for April 29, 1974, his promising political career might have followed in the footsteps of Arnold Schwarzenegger, achieving the American dream of ascending to the second highest office in the land as a foreign-born citizen before crashing back to Earth in a public sex scandal. If only he'd paid with cash. |
TheOnion | Michelle_Obama_Introduces_Exercise_Program_To_Combat_Obesity_In_Professional_Baseball_Players | Michelle Obama is continuing to fight for healthy living. This week, she's launched a brand new initiative aimed at lowering obesity rates among professional baseball players. The Take the Field program encourages athletes to eat a healthy diet and get more exercise. The First Lady is visiting clubhouses around the country this week to spread her message. I'm joined now by Rebecca Mira. Rebecca, how did this new program come about? Mrs. Obama accompanied the president to an MLB game last season, and she has said that what she saw shocked her and motivated her. Overweight players sitting down for long periods of time between short bouts of activity, eating nothing but unhealthy snacks. Michelle was heartbroken. So she decided to do something to help.
Well that's right. Take the Field's mission is to inform baseball players that physical activity is nothing to be scared of. That a little bit of running can be fun. Now Rebecca, this obesity problem is nothing new. Well right.
There is a culture of obesity in baseball that has been around for years and the First Lady knows that. I mean, coaches even sub in healthy pinch runners instead of encouraging their overweight players to hustle, depriving them of the only cardiovascular exercise they might have a chance to get. And a lot of these athletes have been playing baseball since they were kids. Well right, so they might have never learned any healthy habits. Now Michelle Obama has made a point to emphasize that baseball is fine in moderation, but many of these men spend over 200 days a year playing it, and that adds up.
Well it really does Rachel, but she believes a few simple changes can make a big difference. The program encourages players once an hour to take a 15 minute break from baseball to do something active, like go up and down some stairs, go for a walk or play some basketball. But ultimately Michelle knows she needs to reach the coaches. It's up to them to be mindful of how much baseball they allow their players to enjoy. Alright, well thanks Rebecca. If you're a baseball coach and you're worried about your players' health, go to takethefield.gov for a list of healthy activities and nutritious snacks. Coming up next, does America brains get worse hearing words correct? |
Wizards_with_Guns | cool_taco_bell_completely_f_ked_up_our_order_again | Taco Bell messed up our order again! Oh, God! Did they forget my Zorzupa? Where's my Doritos Spanish sandwich? My tanned ranch rods are soggy as shit! Okay, good. My nunky-chunky beef bag has corn. Oh, but they blended my taco tenders! My CrunchWad permanent is temporary! I ordered a greasy siesta vessel.
Me too, but there's only one! Okay, we can split it. You can't split it! It'll lose its initial pop!
I ordered a couple of brown towns. Has anyone seen a couple of brown towns?
They forgot my Chorbiba, there's no jalapeno dollops, and I don't see my beefy-freaky gazebo! Did they have my toasted taco helmet?
Uh, yeah. It's right here. This is a cool ranch.
Uh, no. Kill me. Wait, guys! There's a shard in here! On my chopless nacho belranda? Yes, this is an emergency. Wait, what's Mitch doing? He's calling the police, you have to stop him. They forgot my triple pack of pistol dips! Snap out of it!
Did they remember the cinnamon beans? Tell me they remembered the cinnamon beans! No, but they put cinnamon all over my regular beans! The tortilla wipes are stale, the half-loaded banditos are fully loaded, and they boiled my grilled tomato!
Wait, it's just a grape. Guys! My pork whistle's in the key of E! Hey, guys. It's me, Taco Bell. I noticed we forgot some items on your order. Oh, great! Here you go. Wait.
This is just a bag of dead wasps. fuck you, Taco Bell!
Rules! What do we do now? Mmm. Could you pass me a wasp? |
TheOnion | Couple_Keeps_It_Interesting_By_Bickering_In_Different_Positions_Rooms | Like most married couples, Dale and Barbara Patterson like to shake things up from time to time. Speaking candidly to reporters from their home, the couple of 12 years says they've been able to keep their relationship spontaneous and interesting by bickering in all sorts of different positions and even different rooms.
There was a while there when our petty nitpicking got pretty predictable. Dale would finish harping on some stupid bullshit first, and before I had time to get a word in, he would just let out a groan, roll over, and fall asleep. Now he really takes his time ripping me a new one over every little thing.
We'll just pounce at each other the second we get home from work in the evening, and then just go right back at it in the morning. Sometimes we'll look at each other directly in the eyes when we're having an argument, and other times she turns her back on me and I just scream at her from behind.
The Pattersons say that, in the months since they've moved into their home, they've gone at it all over the house, making a point to argue in new and adventurous positions. The couple says they try to spice things up even more by pushing the boundaries as much as possible. A couple of weeks ago we were coming home from her parents' place, and she's surprising about giving me a real piece of her mind, right when we were driving. We're not exactly shy about doing it in public anymore. Dale gets pretty worked up when there are people around who could be watching or listening.
I still can't believe you forgot- It's not now. I said not now! Oh, don't even- Don't even what? I asked- |
TheOnion | Season_1_Brad_Reminds_Antonio_Brown_Not_To_Discuss_Upcoming_Matchup_Brought_To_You_By_Lenovo | Hey Brad, you see my game last week? And I'm proud of you Antonio Brown, but I'm not going to be charmed by those movie star good looks. Stop smiling, okay dude? I want to talk about next week. We got a big match up and I don't want anyone finding out our strategy. So don't talk to the media, capiche? You got it Brad, I'll cancel my interview.
I'm sure all your fans would want to stare at those dimples, that chiseled chin, your perfectly sized forehead all day long. But I'll never win the fantasy coach of the year and get to be on the sidelines at the Pro Bowl if everyone has access to my solid gold plans.
No reporters. I only talk to family and friends. What? No. No talking with friends and family either, okay?
You never know who's listening. You never know who could betray you. Good point.
I only talk to you, coach. No, don't even talk to me. Who knows who I might tell? What I need from you, Antonio Brown, is a vow of total silence. No talking. No nodding yes or no. No informative gestures, starting now. Do you understand or are you just not saying anything?
I understand. God! That was a test!
Look, I want you holding up until game time. Just get a hotel room and close your eyes and cover your ears until game day. Go! I'm giving you a thumbs up but you can't see it. |
TheOnion | Law_Gives_All_Mistreated_Americans_Right_To_Open_Casino_Season_1_Ep_5_on_IFC | This is the Onion News Network report first ask questions later It's a landmark day in the March for Equality here in America Congress passed the casinos for Fairness Act today Which gives every mistreated group in America the right to open a casino it worked with Native Americans It will work for the rest of the country if our society has kept you down you will get a Casino to pull yourselves back up every man woman and child in America is equal or they will be given a casino Rural Appalachians laid off auto workers and the dyslexic are among the hundreds of groups granted gaming privileges This group of inner-city African Americans in Buffalo, New York got right to work today opening their casino in a defunded community center I mean we may not have decent schools or safe streets But at least now we can build tourists out of money Veterans will also have the right to open a casino as a replacement for costlier benefit programs I think it'd be nice to have a casino.
I mean, I'd rather still be able to walk but you know Because Arkansas is now comprised almost entirely of people with gaming rights The state has decided to transform itself into a 50,000 square mile open-air casino Arkansas State pit boss Mike Green said pending legislation They'll officially rename the state the mystic wins gaming center While the majority of the country is handling the casino act as a step forward many Native Americans are objecting to the law We are still the most disadvantaged group in America So all that we ask is that we be allowed to open whorehouses and start legally selling cocaine It's only fair the bill raised the question of whether immigrants should be allowed to own casinos after much debate the legislature Decided that they would not but they will be able to sell sliced mango on the street without a vendor license |
cracked | the_6_most_surreal_celebrity_endorsements_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Crackedin. You remember that scene in Jerry Maguire where the director fires Rod Tidwell? Get on the Capitol! You've been on my asshole, Dick!
That guy doesn't exist. Real commercial directors know that their name isn't going on this ad, so they take the money and make ads for whatever the celebrity wants to say about themselves.
I'm Rob Lowe, and I have direct TV. And I'm Crazy Harry, Rob Lowe. And I have cable.
If the celebrity's big enough, it'll often have nothing to do with the product. Should I tell you how much fun we had? What should I do? Now the best case scenario is the celebrity wants to say, I basically have awesome superpowers and I'll let you put your logo next to me. Michael Jordan added billions of dollars in value to his Nike and Gatorade brands, and his most memorable endorsements openly mocked the idea that their products had anything to do with his powers.
Is it the shoes? No, mom. Money's gotta be the shoes! Shoes? You sure it's not the shoes? I'm sure, mom. What about the shoes? No, mom.
They basically paid him hundreds of millions of dollars to admit that Nike and Gatorade did not act as a kryptonite that diminished his abilities to fly. That's what's surreal about celebrity endorsements. They apparently work. I mean, you don't know what mandem is, and you probably don't want to know.
But Charles Bronson's about to make you want to buy it. Good night, sir. Thank you, Mr. Bronson.
Questions about who that old man was are quickly replaced by an overwhelming musk of 1970s masculinity that doesn't realize it's about to go extinct faster and more depressingly than most Native American tribes. You may not have the faintest idea of how cologne or bathing are supposed to work, or why this product's name might lead one's mind down a path of BDSM and overly specific condom taxonomy, but he's pretty sure that whole condom thing's a passing phase anyways. Remember 13 seconds ago when you thought Anchorman was exaggerating? That's not a deleted fever dream sequence from Dick Tracy, but another lesser-seen ad from the Seagram's campaign, which paid Bruce Willis $7 million a year to convince men to drink wine coolers. So mission accomplished. You may have seen this one. I'd always thought this ad campaign caught Bruce Willis when he was a struggling actor, but he signed the deal two seasons after moonlighting became one of the most popular shows on TV, so it must have been equally surreal to the people at the time. I mean, they had no way of knowing what we often forget, that Bruce Willis used Die Hard to launch his music career, The Return of Bruno, in which he staked his reputation and career on the popularity of blues music as performed by white guys, who dance like they have to pee really badly. Sadly, he and Seagrams mutually decided to part ways after he got a DUI and assaulted a cop who broke up a party at his house, but the good news is that the rest of the white guys can still be found jamming together at that very same house in Viagra ads.
Some hope for the future. Paul McCartney is still relevant after all these years, is what he imagines us saying as he sits in his mansion, refusing to stop writing songs. In addition to forcing himself into the careers of our most talented musicians and whistling over the ends of their best songs, he's apparently trying to get on board with the wave of the future. Hologram music videos of old men standing in front of you singing while pretending they know sign language. Hope for the Future is a song he wrote for Activision's massively successful video game Destiny, and Wired is on board because there is just entirely too much goodwill for Paul McCartney.
You know the Wachowskis movie where Mila Kunis wants to f**k Channing Tatum even though I have more in common with a dog than I have with you. I love dogs. That movie looks like Looper next to the untethered cartoon that Paul McCartney thinks we want him to sing earnestly about.
In the future, it's still apparently really hard to know what to do with your hands. Hope for the Future, it's coming soon enough. Yep, that's how human hands go when they're saying good work.
No, totally natural. Man, it's such a good thing Catcher in the Rye told that dude to take John out, not you.
Mr. Unida!
There's a lot of fascinating footage of Arnold Schwarzenegger from early in his career that speaks to his outsized ego. I don't have any weak points. His sociopathic view of the people around him. When it comes to the day of the contest, I'm his father. He comes to me for advices. So it's not that hard for me to give him the wrong advices. And Parakeet's sense of self-awareness. I'm like getting the feeling of coming in the gym, I'm getting the feeling of coming at home, I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage when I pump up. So I'm coming day and night. This 10-minute documentary must have had a sense that he couldn't be trusted around women who weren't completely protected by middle-aged jousting armor.
But to test that hypothesis, they sent him to Brazil during Carnival. Rio, one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It's hard to find more gorgeous mountains, beaches, and women anywhere. My first taste of carnival came at the nightclub over over. Oh, way to show respect for the local culture and their women. I can absolutely understand why Brazil is totally devoted to my favorite body part, the ass.
Now I want you to appreciate how creeped out this woman is and how completely oblivious he is to that fact. If I can translate for the guy screaming on the microphone, I don't speak Portuguese, but I am an expert at DJ Vocal and Fletch. Get those women out of there, just throw a mannequin, a scarecrow, anything vaguely human-shaped at him, he can't tell the difference at this point, he will f*** a CPR dummy to pieces.
Don't make me explain to you how I know that. Hey, you guys, it's me, Jack. My shirt changed. I know, it's confusing.
Make ads for whatever the celebrity wants to say about themselves. If the celebrity's big enough, it'll often have nothing to do with the product. Now the best case scenario is the celebrity wants to say, I basically have awesome superpowers and I'll let you put your logo next to me. Michael Jordan added billions of dollars in value to his Nike and Gatorade brands, and his most memorable endorsements openly mocked the idea that their products had anything to do with his powers.
Is it the shoes? No, mom. Money's gotta be the shoes. Shoes. You sure it's not the shoes? I'm sure, mom. What about the shoes? No, mom.
They basically paid him hundreds of millions of dollars to admit that Nike and Gatorade did not act as a kryptonite that diminished his abilities to fly. That's what's surreal about celebrity endorsements. They apparently work.
You don't know what Mandem is, and you probably don't want to know. But Charles Bronson's about to make you want to buy it. Questions about who that old man was are quickly replaced by an overwhelming musk of 1970s masculinity that doesn't realize it's about to go extinct faster and more depressingly than most Native American tribes. We may not have the faintest idea of how cologne or bathing are supposed to work, or why this product's name might lead one's mind down a path of BDSM and overly specific condom taxonomy, but he's pretty sure that whole condom thing's a passing phase anyways. Mandem!
Remember 13 seconds ago when you thought Anchorman was exaggerating? That's not a deleted fever dream sequence from Dick Tracy, but another lesser-seen ad from the Seagrams campaign, which paid Bruce Willis $7 million a year to convince men to drink wine coolers. So mission accomplished. You may have seen this one. I'd always thought this ad campaign caught Bruce Willis when he was a struggling actor, but he signed the deal two seasons after moonlighting became one of the most popular shows on TV, so it must have been equally surreal to the people at the time. I mean, they had no way of knowing what we often forget, that Bruce Willis used Die Hard to launch his music career, The Return of Bruno, in which he staked his reputation and career on the popularity of blues music as performed by white guys, who dance like they have to pee really badly. Sadly, he and Seagrams mutually decided to part ways after he got a DUI and assaulted a cop who broke up a party at his house. But the good news is that the rest of the white guys can still be found jamming together at that very same house in Viagra ads.
Paul McCartney is still relevant after all these years, is what he imagines us saying as he sits in his mansion, refusing to stop writing songs. In addition to forcing himself into the careers of our most talented musicians and whistling over the ends of their best songs, he's apparently trying to get on board with the wave of the future. Hologram music videos of old men standing in front of you singing while pretending they know sign language. Hope for the Future is a song he wrote for Activision's massively successful video game Destiny, and Wired is on board because there is just entirely too much good will for Paul McCartney.
You know the Wachowskis movie where Mila Kunis wants to f**k Channing Tatum even though I have more in common with a dog than I have with you. I love dogs. That movie looks like Looper next to the untethered cartoon that Paul McCartney thinks we want him to sing earnestly about.
In the future, it's still apparently really hard to know what to do with your hands. Hope for the future, it's coming soon enough. Yep, that's how human hands go when they're saying good work.
No, totally natural. Man, it's such a good thing Catcher in the Rye told that dude to take John out, not you.
Mr. Unida!
There's a lot of fascinating footage of Arnold Schwarzenegger from early in his career that speaks to his outsized ego I don't have any weak points of sociopathic view of the people around him When it comes to the day of the contest, I'm his father. He comes to me for advices. So it's not that hard for me to give him the wrong advices. and Parakeet's sense of self-awareness I'm like getting the feeling of coming in the gym, I'm getting the feeling of coming at home, I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage when I pump up, so I'm coming day and night. This 10-minute documentary must have had a sense that he couldn't be trusted around women who weren't completely protected by middle-aged jousting armor.
But to test that hypothesis, they sent him to Brazil during Carnival. Rio, one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It's hard to find more gorgeous mountains, beaches, and women anywhere. My first taste of carnival came at the nightclub over over. Oh, way to show respect for the local culture and their women. I can absolutely understand why Brazil is totally devoted to my favorite body part, the ass.
Now I want you to appreciate how creeped out this woman is, and how completely oblivious he is to that fact. If I can translate for the guy screaming on the microphone, I don't speak Portuguese, but I am an expert at DJ Vocal and Fletch. Get those women out of there, just throw a mannequin, a scarecrow, anything vaguely human-shaped at him. If he can't tell the difference at this point, he will f*** a CPR dummy to pieces.
Don't make me explain to you how I know that. Hey, you guys, it's me, Jack. My shirt changed. I know, it's confusing. |
TheOnion | Romney_Wins_Obama_Reelected_Supernova_Destroys_Earth_All_Possibilities_In_A_Random_Universe | We're shaping up for a wild ride tonight. The results are starting to trickle in, and it's clear this race is far from over. Our own Jason Copeland has been at the ONN electoral map for 24 hours straight, deep in the numbers.
Well, Obama's re-elected, Mitt Romney wins, the Earth is destroyed in a supernova, all are possible outcomes tonight in our random universe, Andrea. I understand that we can't possibly rule out a scenario where both candidates could be wiped out by a tsunami, and America could elect a comforting pile of flapjacks. Is that right, Jason? Yes, Andrea, the possibilities are terrifyingly endless.
Take, for example, one more scenario. You have Texas, a red state, New Hampshire, a swing state, but what happens if all the residents of New Hampshire switch places with all the residents of Texas? Wow. That would leave us with a lot of people in a very small state, not very many people in a very large state. You do the math at home. I mean, that could be a big game changer.
So, Jason, you're saying I'm not finished yet, Andrea. Let's consider for a moment that Democrats and Republicans decide to unite and vote in such a manner that would draw a penis on the electoral map. Then we're looking at an outcome tonight that looks like this, or this, or even possibly this. And now, Jason, is either candidate preparing for victory right now? Well, if they are, I'd say it's premature.
I mean, they really need to consider the possibility of a multiverse where all these things and more have already happened, are happening, will continue to constantly happen. In one reality, Obama might shake hands with a version of himself in our reality, in which case he would cease to exist, resulting in a Romney victory. In another reality, you and I are married and running a small diner in South Dakota. Okay, well, who wins in that scenario, Jason?
Well, I think it's clear that we're not a couple that's too concerned with politics. Right. Thank you so much, Jason Copeland.
Next up, we go to Phoenix, Arizona, where a confused John McCain is giving a concession speech. |
ClickHole | these_men_were_at_the_rumble_in_the_jungle_and_their_stories_are_incredible | In one corner, you got George Foreman. He's big, hates possums, and loves Ferris wheels. In the other corner, you got Muhammad Ali. He's quick, smiles at bugs, and doesn't believe in the moon. Both of them think the other one is trying to give them a bath, and they both hate baths.
It was the biggest fight the world had ever seen, and I was lucky enough to be there. The fight was actually sold out, but then a friend of mine couldn't go because he got cast as the Fonz in a sitcom called Happy Days. So he let me have his ticket. The stadium was packed with people from all over the world and about a hundred or so beekeepers. There was a beekeeping convention going on just across the street called the Bumble in the Jungle, and some of those folks got confused and ended up at the Rumble in the Jungle on accident. The mood in the place was absolutely electric.
Finally, they dim the lights, and George Foreman comes out, and then a bigger George Foreman comes out. But suddenly, this Jeep busts in and runs over the bigger George Foreman, and who gets out of the driver's seat but Muhammad Ali. The bell rings, and they're off.
Round one, Ali bouncing around, shifting left for right. I show up wearing my nice striped shirt ready to watch the fight, but I have some trouble finding my seat, so I go up to a gentleman and ask him if he knows where section 125 is. The guy just kind of looks at me blankly, so I go up to another guy and ask him. Suddenly, the first guy flips out and starts throwing punches at the second guy. Guess because he wanted to be the one to tell me where section 125 was. It was absolute chaos. Well, they go a few rounds, pretty evenly matched. Then in round five, Ali does this brilliant strategic move where he gets inside a Volkswagen and locks the door.
Suddenly, he's untouchable. Out of nowhere, Foreman makes this incredible comeback where he ropes off a small area and sets up a sign that says, George's private area, all guests must be on the list. Ali wasn't on the list.
He's done. That's it.
Then Ali takes on a new list and, damn, he's on the list. Foreman can't believe it. What's he going to do? He has to let him in.
And that's when Ali hit him with the George Foreman grill to win the fight. The crowd went nuts. What a legendary moment. Foreman may have lost the fight, but he also got the idea for the George Foreman grill when Muhammad Ali hit him in the face with the George Foreman grill.
Finally, I just rip into the guy. You selfish jerk. All I wanted to know was where my seat was, and you started fighting over the chance to tell me. Well, joke's on you, because I'm just going to ask the other guy. But by the time I turn around, this other fellow's friends have thrown him some sort of surprise birthday party, and I can't get near him.
It was an unforgettable fight. Just incredible. I hated the rumble in the jungle, but I love my special striped shirt. |
dropout | breaking_dawn_cheating_outtakes | Edward, I love you. You're all that I want. Only you. Forever. I'm sorry, I got it. CUTS! Robert, let's keep your personal life out of this. You're all that I want. Only you. Forever.
Ow! My ear! CUTS! So you're saying... I'm a vampire now? No, just a bitch. CUT! I'm sorry, I keep messing up that line.
Can I get a cue card? Cue card, please.
You don't think that's, you know, cheating? You're embarrassing yourself. You're embarrassing yourself!
He's giving me a teddy twister! Bella, run! A child.
Oh no, me? What? Oh no, look, yeah! Someone left a water gaff tape on the ground, so that's... Yeah, come on people, let's be professional. Listen, the Vulturi want to kill Renesmee, so we have to whore do something. CUT! Why? Bella, we will claim your soul. No, yeah, she doesn't have one of those. CUT! Robert, you're not even in this scene. Mm-hmm. I propose a toast to Bella. AHHH! Really? Whoops!
I can't believe I just drank blood. Salty.
Oh, okay, so pretty much like that director's... I can make out with the director, too.
Bill, come over here. Robert, don't do this. Yeah, Bill, front and center, come suck my face. Sorry, what was the line? You're not safe here, Bella.
Right, and what did I say? You looked straight into the camera with dead eyes and said, Rupert Sanders, I will lawnmower your balls. And I nailed it. Was it me that I'd do something? Oh, fuck it. Look, Kristen, I just... I love you. And I...
I'm nothing. I mean, I'm nothing without you. I'm NOTHING!
I'm so weak! I'm so... weak!
Robert, what are you doing here on the soundstage? It's 4 a.m. Hey! Robert, you're not even in this scene. Mm-hmm. I propose a toast. To Bella. Ah! Really? Whoops!
I can't believe I just drank blood. How did it taste? Salty.
Oh, okay, so pretty much like that director's... I can make out with the director, too.
Bill, come over here. Robert, don't do this. Yeah, Bill, front and center, come suck my face. Sorry, what was the line? You're not safe here, Bella.
Right, and what did I say? You looked straight into the camera with dead eyes and said, Rupert Sanders, I will lawnmower your balls. And I nailed it. Was it me that I'd do something? Oh, fuck it. Look, Kristen, I just... I love you. And I...
I'm nothing. I mean, I'm nothing without you. I'm NOTHING!
I'm so weak! I'm so... Weak!
Robert, what are you doing here on the soundstage? It's 4 a.m. Hey! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Troy_Cassar_Daley_the_Country_Music_Luminary_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Imagine it's 1993, you're wandering around the aisles of a video store with a sweaty wrapped up packet of fish and chips humidifying in your hands. What are you trying to do? You're going to try and pick the perfect movie to go along with your fried dinner.
That is the energy that we're bringing into this episode of The Last Video Store. Hosted by me, Alexi Toliopoulos. In this show, what we do is we're joined by beautiful and interesting people who talk to me about their favorite films ever in the style of an old school video store rental combo of one overnight new release title, two weeklies and a bespoke customised recommendation from me based on those films. Joining me on the show this week, oh my god, return shoot rats, you beautiful babies.
We have got a freaking all time guest. One of the greatest storytellers ever in Australia, one of the biggest names ever in country music. We've got Troy Casa Daley on the show.
I actually cannot freaking believe it. I actually I actually am awestruck. I'm I feel crazy.
This is like it's actually an honor. It's an honor for him to at all bless us with his presence and wander into the store.
And I cannot wait to get into what his picks are because his music holds so much power and hold so much meaning. I always kind of want to hear him talk about film as well.
And I know that's that's what's going to happen. That's what's about to happen on this freaking podcast. So how cool. I'll say this.
My dad's like the biggest Troy Casa Daley fan. So I'm like, I actually feel like something is going to shift in my relationship with my dad. Maybe I'll have more power than him after this meeting.
So we'll see. We'll see how it goes.
But it's such an honor that he's coming here. He's got a brand new album called Between the Fires, which is just beautiful. It's got all the kind of like personality of his of his all his greatest works, all that kind of lyrical involvement and genius. But then it's got these great like ripper fun tracks as well. It's a beautiful balance.
And I will be honest, I can't wait to see it live. I'm going to go see it live. I absolutely will.
I might just ask him for a free ticket as well during the chat. So let's get into it. Let's hear from Troy Casa Daley about his favorite movies. And I'm going to say this at the end of the episode. Stay tuned, because if you're giving us five stars on your Apple podcast and all that kind of stuff, if you tell me in the comment what your rental combo would be, I'm going to give you a staff pick. And at the end of the episode, one of those is coming up. So if it's yours, you might get a personalized recommendation from me at the end of the show. But let's get on to Troy Casa Daley, one of the freaking Alzheimer's. Holy crap. Here we go. Troy Casa Daley, thank you for joining me inside the last video store.
It's incredible. It's actually giving me so many flashbacks. I'm just loving every minute of this. I'm seeing goosebumps grow across your skin right now.
You're being taken back, transported to another world. It's another world, isn't it?
Inspecting the tapes, inspecting the disks. Are you a film fan?
Look, I am, through my son. I live vicariously through him. He's 26. But when he was a little fella, he started getting right into Ray Harryhausen, getting it adjacent to the Argonauts.
I love that. It's like those old school Sorden Sanders.
We've got the monsters, we've got the stop motion. Very, very jittery movement.
And there were so many things that he introduced me to as a little child. And then when he started to insist we go to this place called Trash Video, someone had told him about it.
In Brisbane, right? In Brisbane.
And we'd go across town. We'd have all-you-can-eat sushi with both kids. And then they'd both get to pick one or two videos each and then take them for the week.
And everything of Clay's was always about Godzilla. Always the wackiest movies.
And we still have the same taste. I mean, I really didn't have enough choices to really fill all the gaps. I mean, there's one that Stephen King had out called Christine.
Oh, and you're a car guy, of course. Car guy.
So Clay and I, he calls his red SS Commodore Christine. So yeah, look, I'm a music fan, but Clay really got me involved in movies early in the piece.
Yeah. When I think about what I love about film and film storytelling, I think Roger Ebert put it really well. He called film the empathy machine that is something that can transport you to other worlds and experience other existences. It's so true. Yeah. And I think your storytelling as a songwriter, as a singer, definitely contains that same kind of power. Oh, thank you. Look, I really do love the fact that we are able to carry on something that we've been having in our family for a long, long time. And hearing stories we thought was just normal when we were growing up, especially around Grafton or camping around fires. And that storytelling made its way from my campfire into this, even in this latest record. Yeah. And I really do feel proud of that. And I think as I get older, I've grown to realise there's a responsibility as coming into like a younger elder. Yeah. The storytelling is vital. Yeah.
And it's all oral. But I get a chance to actually put it down on CD. I love that. CDs are the new oral history.
Oh, that's right. That's right.
And we know, to sign you up to this video store, I'm going to need a little piece of ID and your new album, Between the Fires. I think that's a beautiful piece of ID that we'll log into our system here. Thank you. I want to ask you about it as well, because we're talking about like this idea of storytelling.
And for this album, you return to your mother's home, your late mother's home to record it. And I found it so moving. It's so personal, this album. But what I'd love to hear your thoughts about is that idea of empathy and how you think music can kind of be a vehicle for belonging, especially belonging to country. Well, look, definitely there's a big connection to country through this record. Being recorded on Gumbanga country, which is my mum and my grandmother's country, it was really such a natural fit to be able to go out there, luminol house out in the middle of 90 acres and cut a record.
I never thought I'd ever get to do it.
But there was this huge connection when everyone arrived as well. And when all the band and the crew got out of the high cars, I ran them through a big bunch of smoke and gave them a cleanse before they walked into the house. And my job all the way through the record was cutting some old bush timber out of old stumps and keeping that smoke going every day. So it was a continual cleanse, but it was also a connection.
And at the end of the project, I went to the fire, dug out a whole big bunch of ash, put it into some little bottles and I sent it to each of the band with a little bit of that and a little piece of a painting. And I sent them the picture of the big painting that I'd done and I cut the painting up that I printed and put it on each of the bottle.
And they said the connection for them, even though they're obviously non-Indigenous people, was huge. And that made me feel really proud. Wow. I love when you talk about that.
There's one lyric that you have in your song Old Road Home from this new album that I think completely embodies that feeling of the connection of self to the connection of place and the connection of the spirituality of it. And it's the lyric, if memories were rivers, I'd drown and I'd go down smiling. Oh, totally. And when I was writing that song, I remember going down toward Grafton and I was on my way down. I thought, well, I could either go straight to Halfway Creek on that new road or I can turn up Big River Way and go to the Old Road Home. And just for old times' sake, and as soon as I turned onto the old road, the memories started and they were flowing. And I thought, wow, if they were rivers, I'd be up to my head now. But talk about make me happy. Every mile a memory. And it was just wonderful to be able to have the freedom when you're sitting in the car by yourself just to get to understand why you're feeling that way. And it was nostalgic and some of it was sad, but there was this happiness, this overwhelming happiness to say, here I am, I'm driving down as a 52-year-old man at the time and I'm going, this is just where I want to be. Right back on the North Coast and back to where I started.
How do you think that connection and that sense of belonging to country is changing for young people in places like Grafton now? Look, I think it's changing because of the way that the social media aspect is now. A lot of kids will spend a lot more time looking at maybe their cousins and friends and live vicariously through them jumping into rivers and diving for turtles. Whereas we sometimes forget that the real experience of doing that is tenfold compared to watching someone do it on a phone.
And I used to have to tell myself to stop living vicariously through my family at home and I'd see them going down to Wooli or going to Yamba or catching fish at Turner's Beach. And I think to myself, no, I'm going back to do that. I'll go back to Station Creek, go back to Red Rock and do it myself.
And it was worth the trip. You get in the car, three and a half hours, you're door to door and it was like, that's my connection. I think kids just lose their connection because they don't take as much time with their old people and don't take as much time to go and have a cup of tea with an old hardy. But when I go home, Fenningham, it's a lot of visiting and a lot of sitting around and I like that. I like the fact that there's connection.
And I'll say to my wife, look, I'm going home for a week. You don't have to come with me. I said, because I'm going visiting, cups of tea, have the men's camp.
Then I'm going to do a little mini show at the Halfway Creek Hall near where I recorded the record. Just to say thanks to the fire brigade for looking after us because we had some fires during the recording.
And so it's just a little bit of paying things forward. Well, in the interest of paying things forward and paying things back to your predecessors, my dad, Dr. Richie, is a huge fan of yours. Like truly, he's a bit obsessive, I would say.
Not in a dangerous way. Don't worry. Not in a dangerous way.
But he grew up as well in graft in the same area as you. And my dad's a professor of human geography, which is like anthropology. Studying people and their connection to the place they live and the land.
So I said he could ask you one question and he sent it in to me. And I had to put it up that way because it's not just that. I think that is fascinating. Wow.
So he's got a question for you and it's a great question. It's about his favorite song of yours. And I think one of the great songs in Australian music history, Shadows on the Hill. He says, your song, Shadows on the Hill, is wonderfully challenging. I do wonder if you have a sense of what you hope white fellows and people who've made the southern continent of their home might hear in, learn from or do in response to the song and the lived experiences it reflects. Intense question sent in from a dear fan. No, I think it's a great question.
And what I was hoping was not to scare people. I wanted them to hear and get into the song with me. And I was rehearsing with Ian Moss to do the Red Hot Summer Tour, which was about 27 shows over about 15, 16 weekends. And we were putting our set list together and Ian said, you have to put Shadows on the Hill in this set. And I said, how will a slow song like that go over a rock festival where you've got 5,000 to 10,000 to 15,000 people? And Ian said, people need to hear it.
So I started putting it in. And what I would do is say, this started as our story around our fire. Because we had a bit of an epiphany moment where we had a cousin that was going through the last stages of stage four cancer. We had him up on country, we were catching turtles, we were doing the things we used to do with more kids.
And to break the monotony of the sadness, we said, hey, listen, why did Nan not let us go across the river over there? Why were we always pushed away?
And my uncle stood up and said, that's because she had heard there was a huge massacre of Gumbanga people on that side of the river. And when he said that, the calm that came around that camp was amazing. The birds stopped singing, the wind stopped blowing. And we all looked at each other and went, ooh, something very heavy is happening here. And my uncle stood back up and he said, the old people know we're here and not to be scared. And as he said that, I looked up on the hill and there were three old trees that looked like old people standing there with their shadows being cast down the hill.
And I thought, this deserves a song. And then every time we'd play it at the Red Hot Summer, it would just stop the crowd in their tracks. And Ian loved it because he was able to embellish it himself with things as well. And he really loved the feeling of the song.
But he also knew that it was a part of everyone's education as well, part of mine. And I didn't know that story until my uncle told me. And so I walked away from there full of inspiration, but full of enthusiasm to share that story from that campfire then with everyone.
And every person in this country, our class is family. And I take that very seriously because I think everyone has a responsibility to look after our country, whether you're black or white. So it's a song for everyone.
Absolutely. And, you know, we can learn. Performing a live, you must feel like this absolute atmosphere shift, like this change. Oh, it is crazy. I've done it in some really, really special places. Did it all a real couple of years ago.
And one of the old elders from Motujulu there, he came over and he said, boy, that song about the shadows, wow. And I said, oh, thank you, hunk.
He said, no, it's happened everywhere. He said, it's happened everywhere, but at least you're talking about it.
Yeah. So it's pretty important. Wow. Pretty important. And then, you know, Briggs gets in touch with me and says, hunk, do you mind if I put a beat to this? I said, because I think this has got another whole heap of depth that I can take it to for my audience. A new life as well. Yeah. And I said, feel free.
And he sent me through this beautiful track that he did up. And I just went, wow, this is going to be incredible. And then he said the rap.
Yeah. And my mum goes, my mum said, did you really have to swear in it? And I said, mum, he's a rap act. Yeah. Of course he has to swear. Yeah. And my mum could swear with the best of them. Yeah. But I think she was a bit more connected to the song because it was mine. Yeah.
But to hear it come back and to hear the power is something that I knew that the seed that I'd planted as an older generation bloke was able to then go to someone like Briggs. And he took that seed and that plant and made it something else.
Yeah. And it's all about communication, right? Yeah. And it's a song line. That story, yeah. You know, for me, it was a song line that was handed on to the next generation and he took it into his own world. Wow. So it was pretty cool. Well, beautiful answer. And I'm sure that's put me strong, held up in the wheel for that one. So I appreciate that. Well, you know what? I put your album through, your ID between the five, so it's checked out. Right. Good. So you have signed up to the store officially. I love it.
You've got access to our new member combo now, Troy. So you can head on out to the shelves, pick up three flicks. You're going to get a new release, a combo of two weeklies. And then I'm going to bust up on you a little gift from me to you of a staff pick recommendation based on your taste.
Okay. So that'd be good. That'd be good. All good.
Hopefully you feel some nostalgia come back in. Weekly. Wow, Troy. Troy, you've got a beautiful stack of movies here, some deep emotions, absolutely radiating from your pile here right now. I can't believe you've got these here.
The Colour Purple. Drama. I have to say, when I first saw it, I was sitting with my mum. Yeah. And she said, oh, I've heard this Steven Spielberg film. It's about slavery. It's about the south. Yeah. And really, really, she was dead keen to watch it. Yeah. She was on TV.
And, you know, and I thought to myself, wow, I'm buying that DVD, which I think mum still has at home. Do you still, you've still got the DVD? Still got the DVD at home.
Wow. Yeah. And actually, I think it's a video. Oh, okay. Even better. I think it's a video. Even better.
And it was so moving. And Whoopi Goldberg and Danny Glover, I think their roles were like spectacular.
Because I didn't realise that they were those sorts of dynamics happening in the African American world. We often draw comparisons between Indigenous people throughout the world, he and Native Americans. But I hadn't really understood the dynamics. I'd watch things like Roots when I was a kid. But until I saw this, I didn't realise there was like spousal, violence, all that sort of thing that was going on in this movie.
Confronting, but when she finally gets a chance to meet up with her sister at the end again, and stuff like that was really liberating. My mum was a pretty powerful black woman. And she saw a lot of herself, I think, in Whoopi Goldberg too, her character.
And I think one thing that like persists with me for this film, because it has like a strange reputation, this film, because it's obviously it's very moving, very powerful. And it is quite beautifully made by Steven Spielberg. Yeah. But even at the time of release, there was controversy around, is this the right person to be telling the story? And I think that's kind of the way it sat with me over the years, going like, oh, I love Spielberg, but I always thought this was a strange choice or an odd fit for him. Having gone back and revisiting it not too long ago, you go on this journey of then go like, oh, wow, no, he does bring this interesting quality to it. And if not him, the biggest filmmaker in the world, would this film have been made?
Because at this point in history, Hollywood is not making movies about strong black women at all. No.
So Oprah Winfrey, who played an incredible part, was someone that we didn't know as anyone but that character in there in the movie. She hadn't gone on to do all the Oprah Winfrey things. So she was just this sort of unknown actress that came through Spielberg cast her.
And just her determination and her will to stand up for herself and her kids and the colour of her skin was something else. And Mum and I were very moved by her as well.
So it's probably my number one movie. Wow, this is your number one of all time. This is it. Wow, I love that. And when I see the cover again, I think to myself, wow, I remember seeing the video at home at Mum's place thinking to myself, we used to always had to pick our times to watch it because of its nature. Yeah.
But you can't just chuck this on on a Saturday morning. No, no, no. You got to sit down with this one.
You really got to immerse yourself in it, you know, and I think for me, the reason it came in at number one was the emotion. These people are very emotional people.
And we love the saddest of sad country songs. And we love sad movies.
Yeah. And that's that's the one that got me and got my mother all the way. And I'm so glad you had it here. Yeah. And like I say, it was my first pick when I actually got a choice. I thought, you know, I'm going there. Straight away.
I'll tell you another thing in retrospect I really appreciate about this movie. It is like the film debut of one of the great talents, Whoopi Goldberg as well. And it's such an interesting performance because there is this she captures like the absolute I don't know how else to say, but like the sadness of this character and how held in this character is how reserved they are, how forced they are to be reserved. And when you go back to it after seeing Whoopi Goldberg on your screen for, you know, 40 years now, and you see the difference of who she can be and who she is in this film, it holds even more power because you go, Well, this is who she could have been if she wasn't held captive like this.
Well, she had this subservient role. And she was like a second choice to come in because her mates wife had died. And you know, for me, I just felt her pain when I looked at the character and my mum and I were just sort of going, Wow, how do you live through this?
Yeah. How do you survive? Yeah.
And, you know, getting getting her little sister to move on before Danny Glava was just jumping all over her as well, was something that, you know, we didn't know whether she'd escape either, you know, and old mate having his little girl on the side, the sugar, sugar, sugar, and we were all going on, you know, that that that floozy. And but it was always like she was always looked upon as the ugly, you'll do woman.
And the power in that just spoke volumes to me, even as a kid, do you know what you I don't even know what you think? Well, 85 I was in my last year of high school, I was in year 10. And I don't know, I was I was a pretty emotional kid, I suppose, losing grandparents and uncles and aunties early in the piece.
Yeah. That movie spoke to us for some reason. Yeah. Is that weird? No, I don't think it's weird at all. Because it's like, you're talking about the connection, it's so raw, it's so there. Yeah.
And I think one thing that's really interesting about this film as well, is one of the rare films directed by Steven Spielberg, that does not have a score by John Williams. He Oh, that's right. And I mean, when you said was it was he the right bloke to be telling the story? That's one thing I never ever thought about, actually. But it's a good point. I looked at Spielberg as being, oh, you know, at that stage, he'd made some really good films.
Yeah. Even recently, I went back and watched Jewel. I loved you. How cool. So do I. I mean, you're a car guy. It's one of the great car movies. I know.
The great open road movie that ever was. I was just as scared watching it the other day as a 54 year old bloke, as what I was when I was watching it.
Yeah. And for his debut. Yeah. I mean, that was incredible. Yeah.
The imagery where he put the cameras on the trucks.
And it's so interesting because nothing suggests that he's capable of doing something like this. And I think this awakens a whole extra prestigious element to his career of like deep emotional stories that like kind of cross barriers. But also it's like the idea of communicating to audiences and things they should know. I didn't think he had this dimension in him, to be honest.
Yeah. I mean, my son loves a lot of what he did. He was writing the Jurassic Park thing. Yeah. And that first one I think was brilliant. Yeah. But for him to get into this emotion, it's a real testament. I mean, Jewel, when I watched it the other night, I said to my wife, I haven't seen it for so long. Yeah. We normally take turns in picking our movies. And I said, Jewel, let's see this truck. Yeah. Hey, do you know who did the score for this film? No.
It's the great Quincy Jones. Oh, wow. And so for all these blues elements, these gospel elements that he's bringing in as well. Quincy's amazing.
Have you ever gone back to read Alice Walker's book that this is based on? No.
I normally go one way or the other with a book or a movie. I love that. Hey, me too. And I choose movie more than every time. I'm the same.
Yeah. I'm not a reader. Yeah. So I generally stick to what is going on in the movie. But if I was to go back and read it, I reckon it would be surprising. Yeah. I reckon it would be. Most things are. My daughter goes through that thing where she's going through a Stephen King phase. Yeah. And she's reading Pet Sematary. Oh, yeah. I just read Pet Sematary. Yeah.
And she's loving it. They're so wishy. She's loving it.
Yeah. And he is such a fine writer. Yeah. But, yeah, it goes either way. Because I'm not such a big book nerd. Yeah. It's always a movie for me. Yeah. Maybe you would agree with me. I think movies are better than books because they're the same thing but you've got hot people in them. Well, that's right. That's right. It's exciting that way. Something for the eye. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
I'll tell you a little bit about the adaptation as well because Alice Walker was reluctant to turn this into a film because of Hollywood's history of not putting black women and strong black women at the center of films or kind of ignoring them. But she thought the best way to see improvement, to see change was to work within the system. And within that system, she stipulated her contract that she would serve as a project consultant and that 50% of the production team, aside from the cast as well, would be African American, female or people of the third worlds.
Well, see, that's just incredible. And I think what it does is, yes, you have to play within the system. Yeah. But what you do is make a change to someone later down the line who's watched this movie who's going to be African American, they're going to be female. Yeah. They're going to come through the ranks and they're going to probably turn around and go, you know what, when I first saw this, I decided I could do this. Because Whoopi Goldberg was the front and center character of this thing. Exactly.
And I think that was probably a stroke of brilliance. And to get hold of someone like Spielberg to make it, I think was just another stroke of brilliance too.
Because for him to take it where he took it, I think it was just, it went somewhere for me. Yeah. It wasn't lost. And I think it holds a lot of power now to this day. Like last year, we had a musical remake that came out of this film, did you get a chance to see that? No, I didn't. But I remember seeing Oprah talk about it. Yeah. And I got really inspired. But life just got in the way. Hey, when life finds a chance, you got to jump on it. You do.
I'd love to see what you think of that film. I would love to see that. Before we move on to our next movie, I'd actually love to read you a quote from Spielberg in an interview about the criticism of him being the director. Because it's one of the rare times where a director like kind of cops it and talks about it.
He says, most of the criticism came from directors that felt that we had overlooked them and that it should have been a black director telling a black story. That was the main criticism. The other criticism was that I softened the book.
I've always coped to that. I made the movie I want to make from Alice Walker's book. Alice was on set a lot of the time and could have always stepped in for just say, you know, this is too Disney, this is too that. This is not the way I envisioned the scene going down. It was very supportive during filmmaking and so I felt that we were doing a good job adapting her novel.
There were certain things in the lesbian relationship between Sugar Avery and Celie that were finally detailed in Alice's book that I didn't feel I could get a PG-13 rating with. And I was shy about it. It was that sense perhaps I was the wrong director to acquit some of the more sexually honest encounters between Sugar and Celie because I did soften those. Basically I took something that was extremely erotic and very intentional and I reduced it to a simple kiss. I got a lot of criticism for that.
Well, see, until you brought that up, it was a scene that surprised me as a young bloke and I was 16 when this came out, right? And obviously... So you're like that target demo that he was trying to go to soften the rating for basically. Pretty much. Yeah. And when you look at the rating here, I mean, gee, you think to yourself, you know, that would be, well, I'd never seen two girls kiss. Like that. Yeah. And if it was only down to a kiss, you could allude to whatever it was going to allude to. But I always thought it was very strange, the scene, but then later on in life I got it. Yeah.
Because she'd never been shown any passion. She was always basically just there as an object. She'd never been kissed like someone meant to kiss her.
And I was so surprised watching again because I'd heard all this criticism over the years. And I actually was surprised to see how much was in there because in my head I was like, oh, it's completely erased. But it's like through looks and through camera and through filmic technique that you're kind of seeing it grow. And I think this film, I feel like is even better than its reputation lives. Well, Suge in the actual movie had empathy for this beautiful woman and realized the trap she was in with Danny. And it's so interesting now you say that because I never saw it that way. You brush it over things when you're young because it's a little awkward. But when you look at it as an adult and you go, yeah, I get that.
She's never been shown that sort of affection. Her life's been just cut and dried, you're a sex object and you're there when he needs you and that's it. There's no airs and graces with that relationship.
It's really moving, powerful stuff. Oh, yeah.
And like I say, that scene where Oprah basically says, I don't need to look after your children. I've got children of my own and when she gets knocked down, it's very, very heart wrenching.
And I just realized at that time that that was what was going on in that day and age. And we all learned something from it. I knew the South was hard and we'd watch Roots and things like that, like I said.
But until you see it in a film, it's not romantic. It's hard, swift justice.
Yeah. I'm so glad you picked this movie. Oh, mate, I just love it. I'm so glad you picked it. We've got one more weekly from you that we'll hit up before we go to our new release title as well.
It is the best picture winning biographical film by Ron Howard, not John Howard, the opposite kind of guy, about mathematician John Nash, played by Russell Crowe. It is a beautiful mind. Drama.
Look, I'm a friend of Russell's. I was going to ask, is this your favorite Russell movie?
It's right up there. Wow. I mean, yeah, I just, I just really got engrossed in his character. It's a great character and it's a beautiful performance. And he really turns it on. Yeah. And he's got this savant vibe and yet he's got this human touch that I really got drawn into. Can I tell you what I reckon that human touch is?
It is because Russell Crowe, he is such a tough actor and like tough man, masculine man. And I think there's something about casting a guy like that in a role like this that adds this whole extra human dimension to it. Look, it really did. And it showed another side of Russell as an actor.
And my wife made me sit down and go, have you ever seen A Beautiful Mind? I said, look, I haven't because I didn't want to see him in this sensitive role. You know, I wanted to see him in all the old rough and tumble things, you know. Are you texting him while watching a guy like, hey, you're drawing the glass again.
The next day I said, shit, I actually very moved, you know. And I said to Russell, I said, oh, I hadn't seen A Beautiful Mind and I chucked it on Twitter. And I just went, for people who haven't seen this, check it out.
Because I said, the character just brings, it brings a few things that I had around me as a kid too. I had some kids who were very similar to this at school. I went through St. Al's and there was one particular fella that really reminded me of Russell's character. And I think that's what sucked me in. As soon as he, like the first scene, I just, I went, wow, that's this fella that I went to school with. And he was so brilliant, but not everyone got him because he was just beyond smart. Do you think this helped you understand that guy more?
Oh, totally. Yeah. And this guy wanted to be an air fight pilot, right? Yeah.
And he gets to all that stuff. He gets to the stage where he's able to fly and then he realises that he gets some vertigo. Far out. And he can't fly.
And all his life, this guy that reminded me of this character, he would draw F-111s. And he had his future mapped out from Grafton, you know, and all that. And that's the person this character reminded me of so much. So it's got a little bit of a personal aspect to it as well.
What did Russell say to you about this film? When I put up, hey, listen, if you haven't seen this movie, just go and get it. And I'd say things like, you can thank me later.
And then he'd come back and go, one heart at a time. Because that's his favourite saying for when people have discovered a role that you hadn't seen him in. And also a character that I don't think he's played before. And the understanding of his partner in this whole setup. And then getting to the end as well, where they show the bloke and show what he had achieved. And you think to yourself, geez, all that torment that he went through on his journey to get on his path. And straight away, I thought of that schoolmate, though, again. And I thought to myself, I don't know where he would have ended up, but if you get to a stage where you're about to hit the joystick and you realise you get a bad vertigo, that's dreams gone. So every time he would pretty much open his mouth, I could see this fella.
Wow, I mean, that's the power of cinema, brother. That's what I believe in. Sometimes it's the silver screen that reflects back your own life, mate. That's the reason I picked this movie is because, I mean, not only do I think Russell's a really wonderful actor, I mean, I sometimes, even lately we've been co-writing a couple of songs together, which has been great fun.
But he'll talk about how, look, I'll let you go, I've got to go and learn 10 pages of dialogue. Fire out. 10 pages of dialogue, he said, and then I'm going to go and have a swim and play some tennis, and then I'll be ready for the set tomorrow.
Wow. And I think to myself, what a skill set that is. The dialogue, and this is long, it's intricate. Very, very deep and well thought out, and I always held that in a really, really high regard as I was watching him too, thinking, how the hell do you remember the eons of dialogue that are coming and going in your mind and act at the same time and not look like you're remembering lines? Well, I mean, that's what you do on stage when you're singing. That's a lot of lines that you have to remember as well. Nothing like that. I reckon you could do it. Oh, no, no. We're going to make a beautiful mind around you as well. I've had this conversation with different people, but I do really hold the proper actor, like Russell, in high regard because of that.
I don't know how you retain those sorts of things. I can retain lyrics, all right, and I have done since I was a kid.
You've written a lot of them as well. I've written a lot too.
They've come out of your head in the first place. Listening to John Denver or listening to Charlie Pride and all that, it all retained in there pretty good, but having to recite lines back while cameras are rolling or around you and people are waiting on you, that gives me real anxiety, and I was getting anxiety watching some of the lines he was putting out. Wow. You're an empath like me. You can't help but feel it, man.
I was thinking, how does he do this, and how is he delivering this character the way he is? It's a hard one to pull off. Yeah, it is, and he won an Oscar for it. Well, he did, and for me, I purposely chose it, I think, because I think it would be the top of the mountain as far as an actor. Not a lot of people could pull that off.
Yeah. Not a lot. Do you think I could do it? I reckon you could. Okay. Yeah.
I need that right role. I need that right role to take me to the next level. But I'd be the sort ... The good acting that I could do is maybe a little cameo where you walk into a bar and you've got three lines. Okay, I'd love to see that.
These pretzels. What would your three lines, pretzels? Are making me thirsty.
Okay, there we go. We've got a Seinfeld. I think we could give you a Seinfeld-style sitcom.
Oh, look, I do really respect this end of town. Yeah. I really do. And it's only because I just don't think I can do it. Wow. Okay. It's weird, isn't it? I think we've got to give it a shot, though. Oh, well. Yeah. That's your next act. He hasn't asked yet, anyway. We'll see how we go. A team-up between you and Russell. Yeah. Two mathematicians collaborating together, that's a movie. Yeah.
Look, I do think that really was a big climb for Russell, and it was worth every minute of watching it. And my wife and I, when we watched it maybe a month or so ago, we were still in awe of that character.
Yeah. I don't know. He sucked us in completely. Oh, I love to hear that. Yeah. Hey, before we move on to your overnight title, I'd love to ask you, usually I talk to people about the video stores they went to growing up and stuff, but you grew up in Grafton, a place I spent a lot of time in. Yep.
I have so many memories going to one of my favorite cinemas in the whole country, the Saraton cinema. Wow, yeah. Have you had great experiences there as well? Is that where you discovered a lot of films? I sure have been in nostalgia.
Saraton is Nataras backwards.
Absolutely. And that was the local- Great Greek immigrant family, you know? Yes, beautiful people.
They sold the actual building to the council for a dollar. Wow. And then the council came up with the money to restore it. It's beautifully restored, right? It is incredible. Everything was not a stone unturned.
Yeah. And taken back to original. And saw many a movie, saw many a live concert there, saw Goanna there. Oh, great. On their Spirit of Place tour when it first came out, saw Don McLean, saw Rodney Roode, everyone. My God, that's the full gamut, those three. Pretty much.
And then to top it off, played quite a few shows of my own going through there, but in the height of COVID, we had an offer to do a Jacaranda Festival in the Saraton Theatre with myself and Ian Moss. Oh my God, this is like the Grafton trifect they're having right now. No, no. And I said to Ian, I said, if we can get over the border, because it was up in Queensland, and get our paperwork in order and get to this gig, it'll be a miracle. But it was almost sold out to the nosebleeds. And for me to bring someone like Ian Moss back home to my hometown is like bringing the king back.
And Chisel through Don Walker have quite big connections to that town, Flame Trees. So Ian and I are in the Saraton Theatre, and he starts Flame Trees on the guitar.
You'd hear a pin drop, and then by about the third line, everyone's in. And I'm sitting there going, well, this is just like the pinch me moment right now. And you know, I love the song. A full circle.
Yeah.
Here I was as a kid watching my favourite bands there, but here we are on stage together with just two acoustic guitars. And once he started Flame Trees and the crowd started singing, it was something else. It was our first ever show of that whole tour. And we started in Grafton, and we finished in Alice Springs, his hometown.
So full circle, but completely self-indulgent for me. Hey, you're allowed a little bit of hubris every now and then, bro.
I would hope so. You're allowed it. I would hope so.
But yeah, Nataris Mills, they said the town had been so good to them, they happily sold it for a buck and said, do it up. God damn, I would have bought it for two bucks. They should have come to me first.
Oh, me too. Me too.
So it's a great story. Yeah. Great story. New release. Well, there's another great story here.
The one held in your overnight title, The Drover's Wife. Weston. I absolutely adore this film. The Drover's Wife, The Legend of Molly Johnson. I was hoping you would pick out a Western film, and I was hoping there would be an Australian Western film, but I got to tell you how delighted I was that the Western film you chose counters nearly a century of male-centric and largely whitewashed genre, both in Australia and in Hollywood. And this film is a directorial debut by one of Australia's best actors, Leah Purcell. What made you pick The Drover's Wife?
I'd been needing an excuse to watch it, and I knew it needed to be within the last recent times. I get scared of watching certain things because I find them confronting some historical things, especially to do with First Nations people. So it was my excuse to go and have a look, and I've been wanting to see it. I love Leah, but I was just scared of how confronting it was going to be to me. I still haven't been able to watch Rabbit Proof Fence. I saw the first little snippets of it, and it was too heart-wrenching for me. So I went straight away, bang, a week and a half ago, and I thought, I'm watching it. I watched half of it, and I thought, I'm going to leave it. I needed to settle in, I need to see where Molly is sitting as the character, and then to see the emotion that Leah Purcell put into that character, the huskiness of her voice when she was crying.
It was almost like I was there. The landscape, the coal country, the big trees, those big snowy river gums, oh, I fucking love them. And I just got totally immersed in her struggle. And I really felt for the local copper, the sergeant that went out there as well with his wife, and his wife was trying to break down the stereotypes of women are just there as objects, that you could abuse them, you could do what you want with them. We're basically in the Wild West here, and we are the boss, we've got the guns, and if the black people play up, we'll kill them, that sort of thing. It was pretty much frontier war, colonial times, and it's times where I really did feel like, I must admit I was crying a little bit on the plane yesterday, when I pulled up here.
Yeah, of course. It's a misty-eyed movie, this one. It is, and I felt for the kids, I felt for her and the abuse she faced, and I really did feel like, I hope there's a way out. Yeah. You're just wishing in your heart of hearts that there's a way out for her.
And you know, all the characters, the other fella that played the other Aboriginal lad who was running around who was the murderer, who she befriended, I really loved his role. I loved his role and his involvement with her oldest son, you know, promising to take him on some men's business where he could show him the ways of the bush, show him how to throw a spear, teach him about the stars, and all that. And that really got me in too, because I just do love that tip of the hat to culture as well.
We've begun this conversation talking about that sense of belonging to country and how it's interpreted through art, and I think the way this film accesses that feeling is quite sensational, because it uses filmic technique to get there instead of having these establishing shots of just like, oh, it's the house that we're looking at. It's these shots that, like Australia has a great landscape, and it's detailed in film history forever. But the way this film captures them, it feels really unique, like these grand yet detailed nature photography. You've got these cascading clouds over landscape, I don't think I've ever seen anything like that before, and that kind of brings you in and lets you feel place. And then the other one that got me, something you even mentioned, you've got these close-ups of frost melting on plants as they expand in the morning sun, and I think it's just those little details like that that let you feel the setting, feel the place and bring you into it.
There were some time-lapse things that really got me in. I love time-lapse. It's that time-lapse stuff. There was an old tree, it just looked like an old man's face, it's craggy, but there was a little bit of something hanging on it like this, and it was swinging, it's the only thing that gave it away, that it was a time-lapse.
And it was a vision, and I'm sure that, you know, Leah saw this vision, and she saw the country, she's not from that area, but she made us believe she was. She understood it.
There was this beautiful spiritual thing of sweeping the dirt in the dark, and my nan was very superstitious, and she wouldn't even sweep dirt out of the house on dusk, because she would say that would coax ghosts. And I saw that part of what she was doing with that broom as being a real spiritual connection to something, and whether it be Irish people are also very superstitious as well. So when Irish people mixed it up with Aboriginal people, a lot of superstitions, a lot of things that some people wouldn't allay to, my nan didn't like whistling after dark, things like that, you know, simple stuff.
But what I saw in Molly was this will to survive at any cost, and she was going to be there for her kids regardless. And I mean, that sergeant, you know, was doing his job, trying to protect the frontier, whereas he didn't realise, his wife did, but he didn't realise how hard women had it. Especially if you're a woman that came from a black woman and a white man, and the struggles they had as being called half-caste, quarter-caste, you know, or octre-enune or whatever they called them. And it was just fascinating to see that end of town captured like that, because I hadn't seen a pioneer sort of a movie like that for a long time.
And I would say it's got a beautiful score. It's from a first-time composer, Saliana Severn Campbell. It's a raw film with this rich and edgy score that embraces and reflects that. And I've got this quote from her, fiddles, banjos, mandolins, piano, electric guitars. I'm also proud to say, except for two guitar solos and a double bass, I played all the instruments on the soundtrack.
Did she? Yeah, how cool is that? Well, I was totally blown away. Yeah.
The fiddles were phenomenal, phenomenal. They sounded really true, folky.
She's probably classically trained. Yeah. But the good thing is she's actually got a chance to pull out something in her that's probably lived in there for a long time. Yeah. And she's written a score, but the beauty of it is she's been allowed to play like something else. Oh, yeah. And she's allowed herself. And it's like without melody, it kind of just is...
It's really beautiful. The banjo was astounding. The electric guitar was astounding. The double bass was phenomenal.
Yeah. And I'm sitting there. My wife walked over. She was cooking dinner when I was watching the first half of the movie. And she said, that soundtrack is nice. Yeah. I said, I'd buy the soundtrack.
Hey, you can. You know what I mean? I'll definitely. We'll give that to you too in the bundle that you're picking up. That sounds great. One other thing I'm going to give you is a staff pick recommendation based on your taste and the beautiful choices you've got here today.
And because I was so excited about you picking out a Western film, I really got thinking about it. So I was trying to think about like Westerns and then also this idea of like revisionist Westerns. Westerns that kind of take away that whitewashing, that take away that kind of Hollywood centric feeling to them. And I've thought of a couple of classic, but the first one I wanted to give to you is not unlike The Preacher's Wife.
It's a directorial debut of one of the greatest actors of all time. I'm not sure if you've seen this one before, but it's a classic Western called Buck and the Preacher. Western. Starring and directed by Sidney Poitier alongside Harry Belafonte. Wow.
So have you seen this film before? No, I have not.
Oh, man, you're going to absolutely love this because I'm all about kind of like restructuring the canon. And this film, it kind of feels like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, but it's about so much more. It's so much deeper and more complex.
You've got two of the great kind of people that are heading up the civil rights movement in America, leading this in this kind of like Western buddy genre type film. But it's all about these two people that joined forces in order to take on white bounty hunters threatening a westward bound caravan of people that have been recently emancipated from slavery. So they're going through country trying to find like where they belong.
Yes.
And the other kind of current that's been going through your choices is this idea of strong women. And this film also features one of another great actor, Ruby Dee, who's in like do the right thing. She's an American gangster. And this is an early performance of hers that she kind of plays. She plays Sidney Poitier's wife, and she is the emotional core of this film.
What kind of what keeps this film together? And then it's all about them becoming, I guess, bank robbers together to fund their way through. And when I think about like bank robbery films and heist films, they are social justice films. They're films about taking what does not belong to other people and keeping it and making your own richness or your freedom with it, rather not richness, richness of soul and so richness of like currency.
Totally. Yeah. It would have been so easy to to pick a couple of other movies. But I think something like this is really something I should see, because I mean, seeing these two in different roles have always been inspiring for us. Yeah. Just to see people who can do it and to give you the inspiration to go, wow. You know, I used to look at Harry Belafonte and he always reminded me of my pop. Yeah. So it's just a wonderful way to look at it and go. I can learn something from this, too. Yeah. And it's interesting because they also like another thing that they kind of tackle in this revisionist type of Western is the relationship between black Americans and Native Americans. Yeah.
And how, you know, they are both at odds with like the white culture and the white people have taken over their land. And now, but in a way there, it tackles something really difficult, which is that black people also fought against the native people.
That's right.
And it's some I've never seen it addressed in a film before. And watching this film, it's like something is a really powerful moment where you have them meeting because they need permission to cross land and to cross through country. And it's this I don't think there's anything quite like it in a Western, especially from one like in this 1970s period. That is a pretty really unique situation. It's one I've never seen.
Yeah. So that's awesome. Well, that's in there for you can find that movie basically everywhere now because it's got this new restoration that's out there in the world. Awesome.
Thank you so much. Hey, my pleasure. Troy, thank you so much for joining me. It's been a pleasure.
What a great shop. It's just like the old the jacaranda jacaranda video shop that I used to go to.
Yeah. So nice to be able to see tangible things again. Oh, yeah. You know, it's all online.
I know I've I buy a lot of things. I always buy movies.
Yeah. Still on Apple iTunes. I love that because I think to myself, 1495 is not a big amount in the in the scheme of things to make a movie and to own art in some kind of way. Exactly.
I'm old school like that. I love the old school style, brother. I love that old school style. Yeah, I love it.
Man, thank you very much. Well, thank you very much.
Come back any time, man. Any time.
Awesome. I loved every minute of that. Holy shit. That was Troy Casser Daily, one of the greatest storytellers ever in this country who stepped through those hallowed halls of the last video store. I actually cannot believe it.
My dad will be proud of me. It's not like he's not always proud of me, but this will be the one where I can finally feel it. I'll allow it into me right now. So my thanks to Troy Casser Daily for joining me on the show today. And my blessings to you, because you can now track down and listen to his new album, The Fires Between.
It's so wonderful. It's so personal.
I mean, you heard him talk about it. Why don't you hear his actual lyrics?
They're beautiful.
And he said this great thing before he started rolling that I'll lay on to you. He says it's the personal stuff. But the other thing that he loves, it's the roads in between where he can like just have fun and express.
Man, the guys are obsessed with cars like it's always a car metaphor. It's so sick.
I'm going to tell you where you can track down his picks as well. His overnight title was the great Lea Purcell's The Drover's Wife, The Legend of Molly Johnson, which is available pretty much everywhere.
It's on Netflix. It's on ABC iView. Highly recommend watching it, especially on a big, beautiful TV, if you've got one. The Color Purple, it's on Netflix. It's on Stan. It's on freaking everything. A Beautiful Mind. It is on Stan and SBS On Demand. So support public stream casting and check it out on SBS On Demand.
My picks for him, my staff pick is the Sydney Poitier Classic called Buck and the Preacher, which I will tell you is a newly restored criterion collection. I've put out this beautiful disc of it, which is what I have got and what Troy Casadally borrowed. But you can get it on iTunes or Apple movies, whatever it's called. You can get it on there, too. In the meantime, if you want to support the show, you can give us a five star rating on Apple podcast. And in your rating, give us what you would pick up as your rental combo. And I'll probably get back to you and tell you what it what my staff pick for you would be.
Well, Lex, producer Alex here. Wow. Producer Alex, welcome to the last video store. It's cozy in here. It certainly is. So we actually do have a combo request on Apple podcast reviews. Yeah. This one comes from Pee Wee Jumboss. Wow. Pee Wee Jumboss.
Thank you for your review. I don't know why I started building gravitas with that one, but yeah, what do they say? Excellent review. And then the combo is new release. Talk to me. Oh, OK.
Great Aussie horror classic. I love that film.
Weekly's Manchester by the Sea and Google Hunting.
Wow. Personal favorite of mine, actually. I love. OK, this is a great little selection. A.J. and Jumboss.
I'm going to tell you your your your my staff recommendation for you. OK, what I'm picking up is you like horror. You like something intense. You want that kind of talk to me, haunted, possessed vibe. And I'm going to give you Manchester by the Sea and Good Will Hunting, two New England classics movies. So I'm going to give you a New England horror film.
It is a movie by Ty West called House of the Devil. And it is it's actually one of the scariest movies ever, in my opinion. It is about a college girl who is picking up a babysitting job in this like weird house and she's left behind. There's all this satanic shit going on. Really scary, really freaky.
And it was the first time I ever saw Greta Gerwig on screen. She's got a smaller role in as the best friend.
Yeah, that is House of the Devil. If you want to check us out, you can find us on Instagram at last video store, Betuda. And we'll put some clips up there. There'll be a little bit of Troy cast daily bonus material up there, I'm sure. Until then, be kind and please rewind, babe. Hello, the halls of the last video store.
I actually cannot believe it.
My dad will be proud of me. It's not like he's not always proud of me, but this will be the one where I can finally feel it. I'll allow it into me right now. So my thanks to Troy Casadelli for joining me on the show today. And my blessings to you, because you can now track down and listen to his new album, The Fires Between.
It's so wonderful. It's so personal.
I mean, you heard him talk about it. Why don't you hear his actual lyrics?
They're beautiful.
And he said this great thing before he started rolling that I'll lay onto you. He says it's the personal stuff. But the other thing that he loves, it's the roads in between where he can like just have fun and express. Man, the guy's obsessed with cars like it's always a car metaphor.
It's so sick.
I'm going to tell you where you can track down his picks as well. His overnight title was the great Lea Purcell's The Drover's Wife, The Legend of Molly Johnson, which is available pretty much everywhere.
It's on Netflix. It's on ABC iView. Highly recommend watching it, especially on a big, beautiful TV. If you've got one, the Color Purple. It's on Netflix. It's on Stan. It's on freaking everything. A beautiful mind. It is on Stan and SBS on demand. So support public stream casting and check it out on SBS on demand.
My picks for him, my staff pick is the Sidney Poitier classic called Buck and the Preacher, which I will tell you is a newly restored Criterion collection. I put out this beautiful disc of it, which is what I have got and what Troy Casadally borrowed. But you can get it on iTunes or Apple movies, whatever it's called. You can get it on there, too. In the meantime, if you want to support the show, you can give us a five star rating on Apple podcast. And in your rating, give us what you would pick up as your rental combo. And I'll probably get back to you and tell you what it would what my stuff pick for you would be.
Well, Lex, producer Alex here. Wow. Producer Alex, welcome to the last video store.
It's cozy in here. It certainly is.
So we actually do have a combo request on Apple podcast reviews. This one comes from Pee Wee Jumbos. Wow. Pee Wee Jumbos. Thank you for your review. I don't know why I started building gravitas with that one, but yeah, what do they say? Excellent review. And then the combo is new release. Talk to me.
This is a great little selection, AJ and Jumbos. I'm going to tell you your your my staff recommendation for you. OK, what I'm picking up is you like horror. You like something intense. You want that kind of talk to me, haunted, possessed vibe. And I'm going to give you Manchester by the Sea and Good Will Hunting, two New England classics movies. So I'm going to give you a New England horror film.
It is a movie by Ty West called House of the Devil. And it is it's actually one of the scariest movies ever, in my opinion. It is about a college girl who is picking up a babysitting job in this like weird house and she's left behind. There's all this satanic shit going on. Really scary, really freaky.
And it was the first time I ever saw Greta Gerwig on screen. She's got a smaller role in as the best friend.
Yeah, that is House of the Devil.
If you want to check us out, you can find us on Instagram at last video store, Betuda. And we'll put some clips up there. There'll be a little bit of Troycast daily bonus material up there, I'm sure. Until then, be kind and please rewind, babe. |
TheOnion | Green_Giant_Takes_A_Stand_Against_Gun_Violence_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_32 | He's big, he's green, and he's coming for your guns. What does the Jolly Green Giants' firearm buyback program mean for the country's gun owners?
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the Topical. Stay with us. So you can't make rent again this month? Pathetic.
Well, Cash App isn't just the number one finance app in the App Store. It's also the easiest way to avoid looking your dad in the eye when you go crawling back to ask him for money. And if you download Cash App today using the promo code Topical, Cash App will give you $10. But they're only doing it because they feel sorry for your dad always having to foot the bill. Cash App. Dads love it.
Debate around gun control is reaching a fever pitch as mass shootings become a regular part of America's news cycle. But some corporations aren't waiting around for Congress to take action. The vegetable packing company Green Giant announced this week that they're rolling out a buyback program where gun owners can trade in their firearms for green beans.
OPR journalist Alan Potts has been following the story and joins me now with the details. Hello Alan. Hi Leslie.
So tell us a little more about this buyback program. Green Giant is calling it their new Guns for Green Beans initiative, where participating gun owners can receive up to 30 pounds of frozen or canned beans for each weapon they trade in. The company hopes this will incentivize people who would otherwise be reticent to hand over their weapons. Here's Green Giant spokesperson Lynn Evers. Green Giant is committed to putting an end to the senseless gun violence plaguing this great country. Through this program, consumers can trade in their firearms for an equivalent amount of green beans so we can once and for all get these guns out of our homes and off our streets and fill them with our delicious green beans. Is the process really as straightforward as Green Giant claims? Based on a pilot program in Minnesota, it's really that simple. Turn in a gun and receive your green beans the same day, no questions asked. And customers are able to choose between French-style, kitchen-sliced, frozen steamer bags and even lightly-sauced green beans depending on the weapon's caliber.
Oh wow, you're making me hungry.
And what's been the response from gun owners? Well, I spoke with a few participants of the pilot program and so far the response has been positive. When I first heard about the program, I thought, they can take my gun from my cold dead hands.
Now, I have over 200 pounds of green beans and I can't wait to eat every last one. I went straight home from the grocery store and made a green bean casserole. I've never felt more patriotic in my life. I like to sprinkle little almonds on mine.
All right, so gun owners are on board, but I imagine the NRA isn't too happy. That's right. In fact, the NRA announced yesterday that they are giving all vegetables an F rating unless Green Giant halts the program immediately and are even warning consumers that this program could become mandatory if not stopped, tweeting out, quote, First he'll come for your guns, but when the Jolly Green Giant comes for you, how will you defend yourself? I'd put that motherfucker in a chokehold. Any chance the NRA actually slows down the new program's momentum? Well, Green Giant isn't backing down and has even introduced a controversial new anti-gun logo. It hits shelves this week and shows the iconic Jolly Green Giant standing on top of a pile of weapons that consumers have traded in for fresh, healthy green beans.
Well, we'll be sure to keep an eye on this. Excellent reporting as always, Alan.
You know, green beans are my favorite vegetable. Leslie, I am uninterested in your personal life.
Very well. Thank you, Alan. Thank you.
And now for some heartwarming news to distract from the unstoppable crawl towards death that awaits us all, OPR reporter Andrew Dillard with the story of some high school students doing the right thing. When students at Davidson High School in Michigan noticed 14-year-old freshman Brian Marsden sitting alone at lunch on his first day of school, they didn't just ignore him like other kids might. We saw him sitting at the back of the cafeteria by himself, and he just seemed really sad. He decided to step up and do something about it. And he was kind of making everyone else sad, too, so a bunch of us went over to his table and covered him up with some drapes. Brian, once in plain sight for everyone to see, was covered head to toe in drapes so no one would have to look at him, all done out of the kindness of his classmates' hearts and all captured on this video that is already going viral.
Here you go. That's a lot better. When I saw Brad or Brandon or whatever his name is, I just felt like I really needed to do something. And after we couldn't see him anymore, everyone started having a really good time with one another, and it was like that awkward moment never happened in the first place. You could just see the relief wash over the room after we no longer had to watch Billy eating his chicken nuggets while pretending to read a book alone.
That's Principal Ella Schultz. Earlier today, she presented these students with the school's Do Gooder award, an honor given to students who perform a public service. They are great role models for the rest of the students. I wouldn't be surprised to one day see them working to conceal the depressing sight of the weak and vulnerable as leaders in their community. And Principal Schultz may be right. Inspired by these students, Davidson officials have started a new campaign called Hide Thy Neighbor that reaches out to the city's lonely and often forgotten residents, like the elderly and homeless, and shields the rest of the community from having to see them. The idea has become so popular that initiative organizers say they have already reached their quota for donations of curtains and tarps big enough to cover the town's many desperate losers and pathetic nobodies.
For OPR, I'm Andrew Dollard. Always nice to see compassion making a comeback. Thank you, Andrew.
Is there something interfering with your happiness, or is something preventing you from achieving your goals? Do you find yourself feeling numb or experiencing intense anxiety sometimes for no apparent reason? Do you feel like maybe everyone you know hates you and thinks you're a fraud? Like maybe they're talking about you behind your back, laughing at you about all the stupid things you say and do. Do you wonder if they're all hanging out together right now and didn't invite you on purpose? Do you feel that way? No?
Well, lucky you, you smug son of a bitch. Ooh, here comes Mr. Perfect with no unhealthy relationships or addictive vices. Some of us have shit to work out, okay? It's judgmental folk like you that make me thankful there's BetterHelp. BetterHelp will match you with your own licensed professional therapist so you can receive professional counseling securely and online. And with this special offer for topical listeners, you can get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash topical. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P slash topical. And remember everyone, you are not a fraud or a bad person. You are a good podcast host and lots of people respect you.
Here's what else you need to know today. A four alarm fire ripped through three apartment buildings in New York's Upper East Side today in total claiming 17 lives, but luckily no one you've heard of or anything. A new report today has found that having a lot on your plate right now is the best predictor of one more goddamn thing happening. The report also went on to conclude that it just never ends with this shit.
And Victoria's Secret is under fire for promoting unrealistic beauty standards. Critics of the woman's beauty brands say the company crossed the line once again with their marketing of the new three cup bra. But Victoria's Secret is firing back today insisting their sole mission is to empower each and every three-breasted woman with their new line of brassieres.
Well, I'd say that's just about enough booby nose for one day. This has been The Topical, I'm Leslie Price. Join us again tomorrow when we bring a gun to the OPR offices just to see how people react. And don't forget to like and subscribe to The Topical wherever you get your podcast. If you do and you really want to hold our gun, we might just let you. See you tomorrow. |
SaturdayNightLive | irish_play_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first preview of A Storm Within by acclaimed Irish playwright, Rory Mcfadden. And as I'm sure you're aware, there is a penis in this show. Yes, we go there. and it better not end up online. if you post it, you will lose the penis. Okay? so just enjoy it and then let it go. Also, everyone in the show has Covid. So, these are all understudies. they've had 30 minutes of rehearsal backstage. we could have canceled tonight, but I'm in a fight with my husband, so I need to be out of the apartment. our fight may or may not be about the penis in this show. the penis is also being understudied, so I'm excited to see what that's like. All right, without further tattoo, we now present a storm within.
Ooh, this is gonna be good. is that what you took from that? line. already? you don't know your first line? no. what, it's hush now, baby. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. hush Now, baby, don't wake your ma'am. she's sleeping off a drink in the other room again. Nan's here to take care of line. Yeah. Nan's here to take care of ya.
Is it the penis now? no, it's in act two. it needs an hour to prep. what are you doing with my baby? what is that accent? Sorry, I tried the Irish. that sounds weird, so I just did Australian. no, you're not doing Australian. Oh, I think I am, mate. oh my god, please stop. do you at least know your lines? Yes, I need line. I need money for whiskey. Sorry, I don't have any money. No, that's your line, just do the play.
You saw him again, didn't you? You always act this way when you see him. What's wrong? you afraid to say his name? of course I'm not afraid, but you say it first, just to remind me what it is. No, you should, since you brought it up.
Okay, well then, let's just both say it at the same time. one, two, three, four, five. I'm assuming from this back and forth that you both forgot the name. it's Sheamus. Sheamus, Oh yeah. Oh, should we do the kiss now? Yes, and I could not wait more.
No, no, no, you are mother and daughter. there is no kiss. Oh my God, this is horrible. I know, think of how that baby is gonna grow up. why won't you give me the money, cow? wash your mouth. it's what? Oh, I'm sorry, wash your watch. I don't care if you're my daughter, I'd call the police. Ma'am, I'd be careful. you're trying to get married and line. line.
What, who's? what? what? the word line is your line. Oh, line. no, not the both, just keep going. who is that? is that penis, Sheamus? Oh, well, only one way to find out. no, I don't know, this is where the dogs are. Wow, says here the dogs are understudies too. Okay, you know what? I'm just going to play all of the parts. you'll know who I'm doing, because I'll be doing all of the voices. Ma'am, I didn't want you to do this, but you've left me no choice. is that a gun, girl? Yeah, I got it from Sheamus. hold on, sorry, I know I'm early, but it's ready and it needs to be now. but it's not supposed to be until act two. Sorry, it has to be now. Can you say the line at least? Curse of the Irish, more like blessing. what time is it? Dong O'clock, are you gone? Okay, those are actually the lines. just go ahead and show us. Wow, they really did go there. I told you. |
dropout | It_s_A_Classic_Virgin_Tradition_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Tina Pooter. And I'm Hanson Anthony.
Our top story tonight, Ford has announced a new top of the line all electric pickup truck. It's the lowest price EV yet.
What's the catch? To get it, you have to kiss the salesman on the lips. That's right.
It's a new model of F-150, the most popular truck in America. In a statement, Ford said the F in F-150 stands for Frenching. In a press release, CEO Jim Farley said Henry Ford made cars available to the masses and today we're doing the same thing.
But instead of cars, it's our soft, moist lips gently finding yours. The blue oval boys say that the truck would get over 300 miles on a single charge and be able to tow 10,000 pounds.
You want it, don't you? You want it bad. Well, pucker up, buttercup.
This all reminds me of my first kiss. It was after high school because I did not date in high school. I don't know if it's gonna be funny. I think we simply kissed. But the first time I had sex, I did lock my dad in the basement to do it.
Your turn. Okay, I'll tell you what. I wouldn't mind getting my hands on one of those bad boys. Oh yeah? Let's see what you got.
Make out with this mannequin's head. Just, we're going to get a good look. Close your eyes and think of your fiance. Just think about the GIFs they'll make. Yeah, that'll really help. I'm going to think about my wonderful fiance.
And how un-loyal you'll be. Oh, that's not how you kiss. You have no idea how I kiss.
That's true. Okay, here we go. It's good, we're good. Let's do it.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. So attracted. It helps that you're so completely still. I feel winded and sad all at the same time. That's what I like after a kiss. No, no, that's all wrong.
Be romantic about it. Tell them what you like best about them. What I like most about you is, I think my favorite thing about you is your completely solid hairline. And I would say to the other thing that's really nice about- Tell them about the life you're going to make for them.
I would, it's incredible that they have made the mannequin seem bored. The mannequin seems uninterested.
I'm gonna take care of you. You're never gonna have to worry. You're my princess. I'm gonna build a life for you. You're too beautiful to work. Now softly, slowly kiss them like you're in love.
Mm, why you are to me. My life before you is a blur. I only came to life when you came into my life.
Yep, there we're done. Hey, listen, I just made up all that stuff about Ford. I fall for this every time.
Now for an update on the astronauts stranded on the space station. Here's NASA correspondent, Punky Juister. On behalf of Reddit and Tumblr, thanks. As you know, six astronauts have been stranded aboard the space station for days now. They're running out of air and hope has been rapidly fading. But this afternoon, one intrepid janitor came up with a daring rescue plan that's just crazy enough to work. That's great news, Punky, what are they doing?
Well, it's a little complicated, but luckily I have this convenient box of knickknacks that will help me explain using a metaphor. Now let's say this copy cup is Earth and that this pencil is the space station and these cards are the Earth's atmosphere. Very thick, thanks to the regulations that we have had to rebuild the ozone layer back in the 90s. There's actually a lot of evidence that concerted effort and changing the culture of environmentalism works, folks. So the space station is here, the Earth's atmosphere is down here. If this space station goes down, it is gonna burn up on entry. Punky, I'd like to go back to the deck of cards for a moment. Can you elaborate further on the science behind that? Oh, well, as I said, this is the ozone layer and the atmosphere of Earth, but it is too tough, as you can see, for these poor astronauts up here to get down into the Earth where their loved ones are. So what this janitor has come up with is to weaponize the space station using these rubber bands that we will call the space lasers to sort of like shoot, shoot from the space station onto the- Scary stuff.
We go now to the test kitchen with Chef Titty. Chef, what are you cooking up for us today? Handsome, the weather is getting warmer, and so instead of cooking, I'll be doing some not cooking with that most classic raw dish, oysters.
There we go. Oh, wonderful. Now, as you can see, these oysters haven't been opened. That's how you know they're fresh. It takes some specialized training to crack them, and luckily, that's training I have. Oh, perfect. In that case, we won't move on until you've opened all of those oysters. I've got my protective gloves on because the shucking knife can be quite sharp, and let's give it a go. Let's see.
Yes, it's much harder than it looks. But you, of course, have the training to know how to do it. Of course I have the training.
Now, look, I'm demonstrating the wrong way to do this. Now, look, you can just pry that under there, give it a good twist, and out comes a shard of shell. That's gonna be bad. That's gonna be something you don't want to eat. Now, we are gonna get that in there. We're gonna give it another go. Let's see if we can get that open, and look at that. Just as easy as that. And what you're gonna wanna do, of course, as an expert is to do it so that you don't spill the juice, right? Oh, for sure. Definitely not spill the juice everywhere. But you see, you get these lovely shards of shell mixed into the raw meat, and they give you a nice textural crunch, crunch, crunch when you're slurping down them oysters. And that's one down. You do the math, you can tell. This is gonna take me a pretty long fucking time.
You know, Jonathan Swift said he was a bold man who first ate an oyster, and I know there are different kinds. What are the different types of oysters? Well, there's Kumamoto, there's Kushi, there's Blue Point. There are, there's of course Pacific oysters and Atlantic oysters. And you're gonna get different levels of salinity and meatiness depending on what kind of oyster you're eating.
How's that second oyster going? You know what, it's coming off, but would you believe I'm getting a lot of oyster juice on my hands? It's quite warm outside. I bet I'm gonna be taking this smell home with me for a long time. Now that's oyster number two, so we're moving on to number three. Can you catch any diseases from eating them? Oh, many. Excellent. Many oysters, for sure.
Well, we'll just wait until you're done. Well, I am done. That is it. That is the third oyster, all shucked. And it's just that easy, folks. You can do that at home.
Mm, ah, sea splooge. That's it for us on breaking news, but before we go, we'll announce that tonight's loser is Erica. And as a punishment, they have to drink the garnish for the oysters as a shot. Ooh, down the hatch. No fear. Ooh. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cryptocurrency_crashes_mitch_mcconnell_visits_ukraine_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Good day, I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, if you feel like things are a little off this week, remember, yesterday was Friday the 13th, tomorrow is a super blood moon, and according to the most annoying person you know, mercury is in retrograde. Is it me, or does it every story this week sound like the opening voiceover in a Mad Max movie? the year is 2022, a virus rages across the planet, digital money has collapsed, infants have nothing to eat, women are forced to breed, men are ready to die for gasoline, and we suffer under the leadership of the one known only as Joe. Cryptocurrency crashed this week with Bitcoin losing nearly half its value, and now it has to legally change its name to Bit-o-coin. in fact, the entire crypto market has lost over a trillion dollars, But don't worry, you can make that money back fast, as long as you've been hoarding baby formula. you know, this baby formula shortage is scary, I mean, babies are very sensitive, you can't just feed them anything. I once tried to give my little nephew something different than his usual formula, and he nearly choked on that hot wing bone.
The January 6th Committee has subpoenaed five sitting Republican congressman after they refused to testify voluntarily, said the republican congressman, you can't force us to do anything, we're not pregnant. Senator Mitch Mcconnell, seen here watching a shelter dog get passed up for adoption, led a congressional delegation for a surprise visit to Ukraine today. it's weird, because usually when Mcconnell shows up by surprise, it's behind you in the bathroom mirror. Amazon announced that it will pay employees who have to travel to get an abortion up to $4,000 in expenses every year. the only catch is you got to do it during your eight minute lunch break. there is renewed speculation about Vladimir Putin's health after he was photographed at a military parade with a heavy blanket across his lap. But hear me out, maybe the blanket is because thinking about war gets some hard as hell. the Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.c. has been sold for a reported $375 million. well, I wouldn't say reported, said the Irs. a member of the punk rock group Pussy Ride, which has long protested Vladimir Putin, revealed that she fled the country disguised as a food delivery worker, which explains this notification from Doordash.
Apple announced that after 20 years, it will stop production of its ipod touch because Apple products become obsolete once they're older than the kids who make them. The New York Times said it changed the answer for Monday's Wordle, which was fetus because it was too closely connected to a major news story. tough news for psychos whose first wordle guess is always fetus. |
SaturdayNightLive | cnbc_presents_the_third_republican_presidential_debate_snl | Mr. Cain, as more women come forward, you've repeatedly changed your story. how do you explain your inconsistent responses to these allegations? Well, there's been no inconsistency. my story has never changed. to recap, I forgot.
And then I was reminded. then I remembered. And then I forgot having remembered. And then pizza break.
And one thing is, for every woman who has come forward, there are two who have not. Moving on to Governor Perry. Hey, Marie, before I start, I want to say, I know I've had some trouble in past debates, but tonight I'm feeling good, and I think I'm really going to nail it. High Five!
All right. with emerging crises in Greece and Italy, what would you do to protect and grow the American economy? Well, first thing I would do as President is cut government spending. So when I get to Washington, there are three agencies. I'd cut immediately.
Commerce, Education, and. What's the third one there? it's got away from me. Oops. But seriously, Governor, what is the third department you'd cut? come on, man, I said. oops. Okay, I got it. the three departments I'd cut. Education, the Commerce.
Yeah, why? it's so hard. it's up there somewhere. I could feel it dancing around. come on. come on, I know if I heard it.
Epa? Yep, there it is. Epa, that's it. Thanks, Ron. How cool is Little Ronnie Paul here, huh? that was Little Birdie Arms, huh? that's it, the Epa, thank you. Is it really the Epa?
No, sir. no, sir. Caught me in a lie. I'm trying to think, but my brain is just going. okay, you still have it named the third department? I didn't. Oh, I know what, it's Mard. that's not a word. Look, Maria, can we just move on? I mean, I want to be President, but not like this. Hey, hey, I don't need your help, Mitt.
Okay, I know. all three now. ready? Commerce. Oh, god, I only know one now. maybe you have it written down in your notes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, I'm such a messy marvin. What debates, sir? hard, right, guys? that's the department that does zoos and parades. might be that. No. let's start with an M or an X. Is there an X in there, maybe? Is it trains? trains? no, you can't cut trains. Oh, man, there are so many departments. make it stop. somebody make it stop. Really trying here, guys. I don't know what. A. those cards are blank. hey, hey, no beef. it is hot. get out of this jacket real quick. gotta have my dickie on, huh? Governor Perry, we're still waiting for a third department.
Hey, leave him alone. Look, I'll tell you about the women. I'll tell you all the vivid details, and they are a lot. just leave this poor man alone. look at him. I can't say stuff good. the words don't. they don't talk right. Hey, come here, come here, come here, come here. it's okay, it's okay, come here, come here. it's all right.
I'm not gonna be President, am I? no, no, you're not. Can I be your vice President?
Sure, sure, sure. Where are we going after this, Mitt? we're gonna go to a nice field where you never have to say another word. it's gonna be a cow and a chicken. I like that. Are there rabbits? yeah. yeah, rabbits everywhere. just tell me about the rabbits, Mitt. you can tan the rabbits. okay, we turn now to. it bounced right off. got it. Department of Energy. All right.
And live from New York, it's Saturday night! |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_when_harry_met_sally | Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? Are we becoming friends now? Well, yeah.
Let's start with one of the most famous lines from the movie. Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. The original line in the script was, men and women like to go fishing. Billy Crystal ad-libbed this famous line after seeing it in a commercial for coffee. Pretty cool, huh?
When Harry Met Sally may be known for being a slice of life comedy, but director Rob Reiner's love of sci-fi is shown in these mind-bending time travel scenes. In this original timeline, Harry and Sally are brother and sister. But in this timeline, Harry and Sally get married. And in this one, Harry and Sally become elderly Japanese people.
You practically need a pen and paper to keep it all straight. This no smoking sign was not originally supposed to be in the film, but this background extra kept smoking and saying it's not like there's a sign or anything whenever Rob Reiner told her to stop. This scene where a black person and a white person enjoy a baseball game together is widely credited with inventing the idea of racial equality. That's the power of the movies. Okay, now here is a huge blunder. In this scene, Harry and Sally are dating other people, but they really should be with each other. Bet Rob Reiner wishes he could do this one over. Rob Reiner got this amazing performance from Billy Crystal by playing him a video of his own death just off screen. That's why Rob is one of the greats. In this scene, Sally wasn't originally supposed to be crying, but Meg Ryan had just learned that chicken the meat is made by killing Chicken the animal. Rob Reiner decided to go with it, and now it's one of the movie's most famous scenes. Blink and you'll miss it, but here's a great cameo from you.
Nice job! I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.
Fun fact about this speech, Billy Crystal could not grasp the concept of love, so he couldn't get the right emotion on the read. Rob Reiner had him just move his lips and then hired legendary impressionist James Earl Jones to dub in this beautiful last speech. It's not perfect, but if you aren't listening for it, you might not even notice. You want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. And you knew we wouldn't forget it, the famous deli sandwich scene. Lots of great trivia about this one. The National Association for the Deaf gave Billy Crystal their highest honor for using sign language in this scene. What are you saying, that they fake orgasm? Incredible, right? On the first few takes of this iconic moment, Rob Reiner thought that Meg Ryan's energy was too low. To get this incredible performance out of her, he asked her from off screen, do you like ravens?
Yes!
The rest is history. And here's a quick cameo from Yankees legend Derek Jeter. And check this out, this line was actually shot 40 years after the rest of the deli scene. I'll have what she's having. The actress that says it, a 73 year old Meg Ryan.
Now that's movie magic. So there you have it, one of the great love stories of our time, When Harry Met Sally. Next time you pop it in the VCR, you'll have a whole new appreciation for it. See you next time! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_kristi_noem_shot_her_dog_trump_complains_about_trial_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. good evening. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, it's the first show of Spring, so we'll start tonight with puppy murder.
In a new book, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem revealed that she once shot a dog that was untrainable. that's insane. if a dog is untrainable, you don't shoot it. you give it to President Biden. Maga. Insiders are saying that Noem, seen here wearing the hair of that dog, now has zero chance of being Trump's running mate. But I don't know. something tells me Trump would fully support killing disobedient pets. Insiders said that during his Hush Money trial, Donald Trump complained that none of his supporters were in court with him. But that's not true. What about all those cops? Former President Donald Trump, seen here definitely not sleeping, is probably just praying. Former President Trump, for the first time in his trial, wrote a message on a yellow post-it note and handed it to his lawyer while he was making an argument. the post-it read simply, can't pay you. officials at Columbia University complained that protesters broke windows and destroyed school property.
But so what? college kids also do that when they win the final four. Also, you're a university. if you really don't want students to freak out, stop telling them the truth. that's my advice for school and relationships. President Biden said that the National Guard should not be called in to deal with campus protests, but I'm just happy that he's finally not sending military aid somewhere. that was my best joke, Colin. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene said next week, she will force a vote to oust House Speaker Mike Johnson. And if there's one thing I bet she's amazing at, it's driving men away. During a campaign event marking the start of Asian-american and Pacific Islander Heritage Month, President Biden criticized Japan as being xenophobic, which is crazy because why would the Japanese be scared of foreigners?
Oh. My. God, Drake just dropped another disc record, guys. I'm just kidding, I just say that when I bomb.
Florida's new abortion ban means that the majority of women in the South will have to travel more than 300 miles for the procedure. On the plus side, you can get free travel to New York by disguising yourself as a migrant. A new poll shows that supporters of President Biden and Donald Trump are sharply divided over where they get their news from. people who support Biden are more likely to get their news from newspapers and mainstream media, while Trump supporters get their news from t-shirts. Donald Trump also told supporters that if he's elected, he will focus on anti-white racism.
Thank God. my people have suffered long enough. Sorry, Che, but time's up. I knew it was going to come out of you someday. Today was the 150th running of the Kentucky Derby, also known among horses as squid game. |
cracked | we_remade_harry_potter_for_20_20_movies | Make a wish, Harry. Who's there? No, post-op, sir! Dang it!
Sorry about that.
I demand that you leave at once, sir. You're breaking and unburying. Dry up, Dursley, you dumb motherfucker!
Well, I haven't seen you since you was a baby, Harry. You're a bit more long than I would have expected, particularly right in your fat-fucking stomach. That's not very nice. I was planning on taking this out on my motorcycle here, Harry, but perhaps there's a nearby bard, sir. I'm not afraid of you. As if you could defend yourself. Blimey, Harry. Your Patronus would be a beef and cheddar. I'm not, Harry.
Then who are you? Dudley. More like Fudgely. Uh, I am. Well, of course you are. I've got something for you. I'm afraid I might have said on it at one point, but I imagine it'll taste fine just the same. So to me, you forgot the bangers. Thank you. Of course. It's not every day your young man turns 11, eh? Excuse me, book. Who are you?
Rubeus Hagrid. Pounder of bruise and pusher of pills at Hogwarts.
I shouldn't have said that. I should not have said that.
Of course you'll know all about Hogwarts. I'm sorry, no. No? Didn't you ever wonder where your parents learned it all? Learned what?
You're a wizard, Harry. I'm a what? A wizard and a thumping good one-eyed waiter. What's that noise outside? It's a blizzard, Harry. What'd you turn him into? He's a lizard, Harry. He's triggered, Harry. I'm confused. I figured, Harry.
You're an idiot. Can't break butter, beer, Harry. You're 11 now. That crap's all got a ripped ass in here. I see why Voldemort couldn't kill you. He would have had to split you into at least 20 horcruxes.
Sorry about that. Sorry about all of that. Well, I see we have the hug covered, but what about the warts?
You think your dumb muggle bullets will hurt me? Blimey, Harry.
You look like you ate every of Bernie's... You look like you ate all of Bernie's beans. |
programmersarealsohuman | i_go_to_absurd_tech_conference_ | For me personally, I don't sleep at night. You don't sleep at night?
I wake up to check the markets. And if you are going to allow inside the crypto trading, like it's happening right now, we all see it happening. We all do a little bit of it. We all do.
What is Web4 about? What is Web4 all about? I'm not into this. What is Web4 all about?
That's a good question actually. After the big depression in Web3 last year, I decided to check in on my investments and reassure myself that crypto was still fully focused on its core value. Making money. So I fly to the most prestigious conference in the world. Better than ECC, ETH Global and Bitcoin Miami Beach. I go to Web3 Berlin in third world country Germany to talk to tech founders and other con artists. I go to my first panel to remind myself what Web3 exactly is. But I lose focus and discover the most sane person in the room.
The bouncer. Who was this bouncer? So I interviewed the bouncer and taught him some buzzwords. parameterized object with ownership possibility.
3D virtual simulation hybrid customizable. Now I'm entering the hallways of the conference. There are more exhibitors than participants. I'm now trying to talk to some of the unsuccessful startups to see what still drives them to squeeze the last satoshis out of Bitcoin. Describe your company.
In one word.
Adopters. Last part. Blockchain made for trade finance. Probably fitting all kind of use cases. What makes Flamingo different?
You don't have to identify yourself. You don't have to identify? No.
So it's the perfect platform for money laundering for me? That's also a big thing that we consider that the platform is used for money laundering but we don't really have any control over that. Shouldn't we just normalize insider trading and mingling of funds instead of the whole pain of regulation? I'm not sure if regulating insider trading is the way to go. Because then you have a lot of people being at the top trying to extort money from people at the bottom.
When is Flamingo going to get sued? We hope never because we are based in Norway.
We escaped the whole American sect thing, we escaped the China thing and we also escaped a little bit the loss in Europe. But outside of Norway, do you think there is any exchange that is operating legally in Web3 right now? I think you have some exchanges that are paying all the taxes and all the fees and everything they need to do to be a legal exchange. But I also fear that they are not profitable. So here I'm walking across the booth of several scam companies. I have invested in some of them in the past. Who can we still trust in crypto? And are there any genuinely good people in crypto? Yes, I'm sure there are. Michael Saylor has a tax fraud lawsuit. Miami coin is 99% down, Bitcoin city is canceled and there are mass incarcerations in El Salvador. Why do you still believe in crypto?
I believe because it is a promising tech. A lot of the actual market is based a lot on hype and we try to change that basically. We're trying to change that? Exactly. So we're based on utility. You don't have really DeFi protocols which have fancy names and the only thing you do there is basically farm one of those, I don't know, it's a token, whatever, cheeseburger token. So you don't believe in cheeseburger token? So I believe really in real-world utility because there are real-world utility use cases.
So you are involved in some of them but can you give me one example? The problem is most of them are under NDA and I can't share them publicly. This is the networking area. This is where people without a job are trying to convince people without a company to hire them. How would you describe PooChain simply? PooChain is a home for all the shitcoins. Me, for example, I'm working in a project PooGrow.
Describe to me the typical meme coin enthusiast. You know, the day, how does he look like? The typical, they are players. The typical meme coin enthusiast, I think they are players too, big players.
Also they like to see the chat hyped. We're launching a coin, it's called Kinwa coin, at the end of the month. I can tell you right now it's a typical pump and dump but the project is very exciting because many DAO members from the DAOs are going to be involved. There's a public discord already but there's also a private discord. I can invite you to the private discord where the actual action happens, where it communicates when you buy, when you sell, not the public one, the insider trading one. If you want I can send you that also. Let's see, I think I will check out the community.
Again, it's classical pump and dump, there's literally no utility. Do you have a telegram? I sold my house, I lost two boats because of crypto. Michael Saylor brought me into this. He said Bitcoin is going to go to 100,000 and now we're here and all of my NFTs are useless. It depends, NFTs have a use case. At this time you have already the case that if you invest in NFTs, like 90% of the time they depreciate in value. The main reason why all these kinds of tokens or people are holding their tokens is because they don't want to move them because it will cost them too much in fees.
Can we end the session with a show your NFT? Do you have your NFT wallet with you? Yes, but actually I don't have that much NFT. There was an update from Middlemen because it's then on my NFT. We have, yeah, my colleague was just... Oh, you don't have a personal NFT wallet? Yeah, but I... You lost your NFT wallet? No, it's just we have a... But do you have an NFT or do you want my NFT or...
Do you have Azukis? I do not have Azukis, I'm functional. Do you have CryptoPunks?
What should I say?
Do you have Bored Apes? I do not have Bored Apes. So you're not going to be on the Bored Apes party later on? No, I don't have that.
This is your wallet. This guy could buy the entire conference. Will you be at the Bored Apes party yet later? I don't know yet for sure. Okay. Can you bring me in? I think so. We can talk about that in the morning. Okay. I'm actually in it for the tech. I like the technology. You're not in it for the money. I have made my money already. Okay, okay. So now I really believe in how it works.
If it's like a cult, who's the leader? I think right now the leader is a prophet. I realized Web3 became a cult.
Just like Agile. Finally. Let us get lifted! By the spirit of Agile. Scrum Ceremonies! Scrum Poker! Alignment meetings! So that finally, finally, there is no time left anymore. All right. Who's down for gamification?
GM.
So this is the entire conference. It's only one floor. For both.
The people who lost money and the people who lost crypto. Because if you put your money into coins that you don't trust or that you don't really know that they are going to succeed, for me personally, I don't sleep at night.
Now Flamingo is not just for trading. There's also DeFi use cases. And there's lots of these things. So we have DeFi, DeSci, DePi, DePLY, DeMI, DeCRY, DeJI and DeLI.
It's the first time I heard about Web4. It's the first time? First time.
Okay. So Flamingo is not a Web4 native startup? No, a Web3. Okay. Web4, I would like to know about Web4. That's the next level probably. |
CrackerMilk | getting_love_bombed | I'm having a really good time. I've been having a really great time too.
I like your hat. I like the hat shirt combo. It's really nice, monochrome. Wow, thank you so much. That's amazing. We just received a compliment.
What do we do? Tell her to marry us.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't want another restraining order here, fellas. Let's just return the favour. Nice and easy now. You look really nice too. Thanks.
She liked it.
Ask her to have sex with us.
Hey, hey, easy now. We're almost at the home plate. Let's not screw it up. A simple compliment.
I love natural redheads. Oh, I'm not a natural redhead.
Oh. That's okay. A lot of people get confused. The carpet doesn't match the drapes. Alright, fuck it.
Tell her you love her. Quick, quick, quick, quick. Tell her to marry us. Give her a kiss. Give her a hug. Give her a kiss.
How do you like feet and jumping and other stupid bullshit? I really love you and I think that we're going to be really great to your most wonderful person. Your eyes are so blue and I just think, you know, we'll have plenty of kids to get rid of. This is going to be great.
Did you shit yourself? No. That's a lie. He just lied to his teeth. Look, his pants are brown. They were white when we started. Oh, what the fuck, dude? You guys still filming? No, we stopped. Yeah, let's cut. Guys, I fucking fully shit myself. Don't tell anyone. Bro, we're rolling. No! |
TheOnion | Social_Security_Scam_Robs_Elderly_By_Convincing_Them_They_Are_Dead | The Bureau of Consumer Protection issued a warning today about a vicious new scam that robs elderly Americans of their Social Security payments by convincing them they are dead. Carter Anderson has more with a Fraud Watch special report. Thanks Andrea. If you're a senior, you need to be on the lookout for this latest scam. It begins with a letter claiming that the victim is dead and instructing the victim to reroute all Social Security checks to the U.S. Department for the Dead. But the letter is a fraud, and the address is actually a P.O. box set up by the scammer. Henrietta Mockery is one of the many victims built out of thousands of dollars.
I had been ill for a long time, and nobody had come to visit, so I thought, maybe I am dead. They asked me for all my information, or I would be buried in an unmarked grave. After stealing their victims' checks, many scammers will pursue their victims' savings, as Henrietta's son Brian saw firsthand. I realized that she hadn't called in a few months, so I figured I'd go check on her, see how she was. I found her stuffing her jewelry into an envelope, going on about how she was a skeleton now, and she had to make sure her body transfer went through. It was only after Brian showed her that her breath left condensation on a mirror that Henrietta realized she was still alive. But by then, it was too late. She had lost almost everything.
It's unbelievable that there are people out there preying on seniors' weaknesses like that. It sure is, Andrea, but these scams are hard to stop because they keep evolving. For instance, a woman in Flagstaff, Arizona was convinced she had been reincarnated as a cow. They even sent her a picture as proof and demanded that she meet them at a dairy farm with $2,500 in cash. But Andrea, by far the cruelest scammers I've seen, are the ones who visit their victims' homes dressed as the grim specter of death. This man stole from almost 100 seniors before the FBI finally tracked him down. That is just terrible.
Now, any last tips for our elderly viewers? Sure, Andrea.
As the Bureau of Consumer Protection warns, when someone tells you you're dead, don't believe them. When you actually die, you'll be gone forever, as if you've never even existed. All right, thank you so much, Carter, for that very important report. Now, if you think you might be dead, log on to our website, onionewsnetwork.com, to take our interactive Signs of Life quiz. |
TheOnion | How_Can_We_Let_Darfur_Know_How_Much_We_re_Doing_For_Them | Robert Braun filling in for Clifford Banes, who no longer works on Sundays. A recent survey shows that the majority of people in Darfur are still unaware of how many people in America are raising awareness of the genocide there. How can we better get the word out? We could start by air dropping press releases all over them. Yeah, we need to show these people photos of all the rallies that are going on on college campuses. We need to make sure they see the online petition that so many people have signed. It could make a big difference. Absolutely. Aid organizations need to get in there and get those billboards and put them all over Darfur so they can see. Say Darfur! I think that the people of Darfur have to take a little responsibility themselves.
They have storytellers in this culture. Why don't they have storytellers tell tales of Matt Damon and George Clooney and the big celebrities who are actually doing more than anyone else for them? But again, George, we have to get someone to make the storytellers aware. The significance of the fact that Matt Damon is worried about them. We've got to educate them on who these celebrities are and how hard they're working on their behalf in the United States. Show them what Matt Damon has been doing.
All of the benefits. The man works hard. And the amount of energy that we're spending on it, I think we're doing a terrific job.
I have here an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal this week that says we need to hold gala fundraising events right in Darfur. Set up tents and buffet tables in Darfur. Some of the celebrities come down there and eat and raise money. These tents have to be transparent so that the people of Darfur can stand on the perimeter, look in and see all the hard work that people are doing on their behalf. Right. Instead of a ball benefit concert, which could be loud enough to drown out the sounds of gunfire. And the crying from the starvation. Once Darfurans are alerted to the help that they've been receiving, what do you think is an appropriate thank you that they can send back to America?
I think a nice card often goes a long way in saying thank you. You could put a small child's hand print on it, maybe send it from village to village and get all the elders to sign it as well. Well, they have the ones that have the music on it when you open it up. Oh, that's a nice touch. It might as well be that kind. Or we could just keep it simple. You know, they could send us clay pots or whatever it is they make over there. Oh, I would like a clay pot.
Well, whatever they do, I think they better do something quick because in 2008 the new Batman installment's coming out. And before long, I tell you, I'm not sure if anyone's going to know what a Darfur even is. Oh, yes. The Dark Knight. I didn't know that. I love those installments. Who's starring in that? He's good. That was a much darker movie. |
TheOnion | Classmates_Respond_To_Jessica_Milly_s_Decision_To_Put_Out | Now that multiple Thomas E. Dewey high school sources have confirmed that junior Jessica Millie will soon begin putting out, with many speculating that she'll go all the way with her boyfriend Josh Gibson as early as this Friday, Millie's classmates have been quick to weigh in on the news. Jessica was sitting at this table when she told Erica that she was finally going to do Josh. Jessica's pretty hot so I'm happy with her decision. I was pretty certain the next girl to start putting out would be Amy Cortley because everybody knows her mom's a slut. If she's going to start putting out, I think there's a ton of guys who'd be down. Jeremy Shipley, Anthony Nicholson, Sean DiNuzio. While the majority of students were somewhat surprised that Jessica might give it up at Andy Wheeler's house party this Friday, possibly on one of Wheeler's two basement couches, Millie's intentions didn't come as a shock to some. I'm pretty sure Josh fingered her on the bus during our field trip to New York City, so I'm not surprised. Everyone thought that she gave it up for Garrett last summer when they left the party and went into the woods, but Garrett couldn't get hurt or something.
Kurtcher, me, both Callahan brothers for sure. Now that the news is settling in, several Dewey High sources are suggesting that Millie's decision could cause a domino effect, in which even more classmates begin putting out in the near future. I think I'm going to start putting out in January or February, definitely by prom. Matt Parello, Eric Place, Nikki Espinosa. Though Millie could not be reached for comment, reports indicate she was carrying birth control in her purse today. Keep checking TheOnion.com for more news as this story progresses. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Stuart_Broad_Now_A_Judge_On_The_Spirit_Of_Cricket_Architects_Of_Robodebt_To_Be_Treated_As_Guilty_ | My name is Errol Parker. Joining me in the studio today, Wendell Hussey and Effie Bateman.
How are the both of you? Yeah, pretty good. Pretty good. How are you?
It's frickin' Friday. I'm ready to get out of this. It's frickin' Friday and it's the start of the financial year. Which means it's the end of the previous financial year. Which means I got my fuckin' tax back. Wow. It's invoicing season.
Nah, that's boring. I don't have anything to do with that.
I just got my tax back. I've got a case of vodka cruisers. I am batching it up this weekend with my significant other out of town, so.
Effie, what's going on in your world? Well, it's Friday so I have my new routine where I hate watch the new Sex and the City and then I call my mum and I give her a rundown on what's happened during the episode because she refuses to watch it. So it's just a very hate-filled Friday for me today. And who says young people get bored in the bush and get up to no good, eh? Plenty of things to do on the weekend in the country, isn't there?
Exactly. Always fun with a case of vodka cruisers. Errol Parker, should we kick these things off? Let's do it mate. What's making news this week in Batuta?
Well, Stuart Broad is now apparently a judge on the spirit of cricket. Yes, in one of the most shocking stories to ever grace this newspaper, English cricketer and famous cheat, Stuart Broad, is apparently a moral arbiter on the spirit of cricket. The man who refused to walk after hitting one to first slip and brags about at every opportunity he gets has this week revealed that the Australian cricket team are a bunch of filthy cheats. Well, you really have a dearth of cricket knowledge there, Effie. And that's right, if you've been living under a rock, the Aussie cricket team have been accused of cheating by the English this week after Alex Carey ran out his counterpart Jonathan Bairstow fairly and squarely. And as a result, because they're too down, the English have decided to spend the week sucking about a completely legal dismissal, saying that Australia are ruining the game and refusing to play it the right way. However, what's been pointed out following the first day's cricket at Headingley, it might be time for the English to focus on the spirit of catching the fucking ball rather than cricket.
No, they actually did catch those balls, Errol, they didn't drop them. Oh, that's right, yes. And you mentioned there that they're 2-0.
They're Bazcatchers. Yeah, they're Bazcatchers. Bazcatchers!
And you said they're 2-0 down, they're actually 2-0 up, they've won the first two. True, yes, yes. Because morally and philosophically they are superior to us as cricketers. True, well that's how the English conquered the Germans in World War II, by having higher morals.
Now, we'll move on to some political news, and a report has called for the architects of the robo-debt scheme to be treated as guilty until they can prove their innocence. Hmm, yummy politics news. What the fuck was that? I still earned you, huh? Hmm, politics news. Me likey.
The report into the illegal government robo-debt scheme has been handed down, basically revealing that it was a failure on every single level. It's also confirmed that the cover-up was as bad as the original scheme, and has recommended a raft of criminal and civil charges against the individuals who made it happen. Now, a new report from South Petuta Polytechnic's humanities faculty has also been released, calling for those behind the scheme to be treated as convicted criminals until they can prove their innocence. As the lead author of the report said, that's how they treated ordinary Australians, so let's put the shoe on the other foot and see how they like it.
Well, it's interesting, Mr Hussey, because, you know, in other countries, not too far from here, you know, with charges like this, public servants are often met with bullets. But not here in this country. No, no, not in this country. That report's also called for the politicians not to be given millions of dollars of taxpayer money to fund their legal defences.
They can actually pay for it themselves, apparently, according to the report. I do like that model. I mean, that's something I think the new anti-corruption commission can examine, the overseas-based model, where if you're a corrupt politician, you know, you get taken outside. Yeah, well, I'll be looking on SEEK for positions in the Federal ICAC firing squad to show up under the Hussey model. Finally, what else is making news, Effie?
Well, gays have been told to take a hike as corporations rush to swap pride symbolism for nadoc symbolism. Yes, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander culture, history and storytelling has been on display for all this week, with nadoc events right around the country. And in a trend with the latest decade of progressive neoliberal performances, the top end of town is also nodding to the contributions of Australia's First Nations people in their own special way. Yes, not by hiring any of them, but by plastering the red, black and yellow colours on every single corporate logo they can. That's right, the rush for the corporate sector to join in on the nadoc symbolism has seen the LGBTQI flags of last month's Pride Festival disappearing overnight. The gays have been told to take a hike as tax-dodging corporations turn their attention to acknowledging Indigenous people, a community that has been undermined and trodden on for hundreds of years by the same systems and institutions that they lobby for and get very favourable treatment from.
So, our final story of the week, Effie Bateman? Yes, well, talking about painful white people, a suburban family doing taco night has taken place this week without including a single Mexican flavour or spice. Yes, it was Taco Tuesday in a local potato hight's home this week, with matriarch Deborah Lismore serving up what could be the most exotic meal ever. Consisting of a kilo of unseasoned beef mince, a few hundred grams of cheese and a few strands of lettuce, as well as some sour cream, the family reportedly enjoyed themselves a very Mexican treat. I think there was a bit of smokey barbecue sauce as well, and as Deborah told us, guacamole, coriander slash cilantro, whatever the hell that is, refried beans, some spices and salsa, they can all go and get fucked, apparently.
Succinct from Deborah there, fair enough. Look, that's what they like and they're enjoying it, and as Deborah said, we have such good produce in this country that we actually don't need to fuck around with things like spices and flavours, you know what I mean? You just rely on the quality of the three-star budget mince you buy from Coles to really carry through. Yeah, well, look, you might turn your nose up at a bit of brahmin hump, but, you know, it's got this country through a lot of tough times, Wendell Hassey. Well, with enough smokey barbecue sauce and sour cream, anything tastes good, I guess.
Well, let's leave it there, mate, until we get in more trouble. Goodbye. |
SaturdayNightLive | sports_organist_at_a_funeral_saturday_night_live | Mrs. Denton, I, in behalf of the Ziegler Brothers, I just want to thank you for choosing us in your time of grief. you were the people that Herbert wanted. Well, everything seems to be going to plan. there's just one small problem. our regular organist is sick, but as soon as the replacement comes, then we'll get on with the program. excuse me while I check.
Look, where is this guy, anyway? He should be here any minute. Well, I hope he's experienced in these matters. Oh, he's one of the best. he's the main guy in Madison Square Garden. he plays at all the hockey and basketball games. Well, I wish he'd just get here.
Oh, maybe. Mr. Ziegler, I'm Harry Osborne, the organ player. Fine, fine.
Thank God you're here. I thought you'd never get here. I'm sorry I'm late, but the Knicks went into overtime.
Fletcher, show him the organ. I started. I'm so sorry, Mrs. Denton. now that the organist is here, we can get on with the program. I might add that you've chosen a wonderful program, short yet dignified. Herbert wanted it that way. Yes, it did. Stop it! stop it! What are you doing, you fool? Well, you said to get started.
Well, for crying out loud, this is a funeral. play something appropriate. I'm so sorry, Mrs. Denton. there seems to be some mix-up with the organist. Wait a second. this isn't a pep rally. it's a funeral. Well, I know, but I wanted to cheer the people up. But they don't want to be cheered up. play a nice, soft song.
Mr. Ziegler, that man is disturbing me. I know that Herbert didn't want this. this is not dignified like your brochure said. you're quite right. I'm so sorry. Please, I think I've straightened everything out. don't worry. I've heard enough, Mr. Ziegler, and I don't want Herbert to hear any more. It's please, Mrs. Denton. it's all right.
What? Now! Sir? |
SaturdayNightLive | cinema_classics_snl | You're watching Cinema Classics on Pbs. good evening, and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese Dewitt. tonight, we take a look at the 1944 movie musical, Meet Me in St. Louis, starring Judy Garland and directed by her future husband, Vincent Minelli. like all classic Christmas films, the plot revolves around a bunch of white people who are happy but get even more happy by Christmas. Why is this every movie? I do not know. this is Not why I am here. I'm a bad guesser. last night, my wife asked me to guess what she was making me for Christmas, and I said, insane. let's take a look at a scene where Judy sings to her younger sister, Tootie, to comfort her after finding out that the family is leaving St. Louis for New York, and fun Actual true fact, in order to get the young actress playing Tootie to cry real tears, Vincent Minelli used an acting technique called telling her that her dog had just died. Let's watch. and action. today's be merry and bright, and may all Christmas' be white. Do we really have to leave St. Louis?
I'm afraid so, Tootie. Oh, I feel like I could cry. Hey. Okay, this isn't working. Tootie, your dog just died. What? Tootie. What's wrong with Tootie? Oh, she's upset. we're moving, Papa. Tootie. Tootie, Your Snowman. No, it's not about the snowman, lady. Bruce is Dead. Oh, Tootie.
I never got him baptized. He's going to go to Burger Tree. Oh. ah. Oh, Tootie. I never got him baptized. He's going to go to Burger Tree.
Tootie, we're all going to miss St. Louis. Who cares about St. Louis?
Tootie, I've got good news. your dog isn't dead. he's not. But he was accidentally buried alive. Oh, Tootie. What's wrong with Tootie now?
I don't know. she hates New York, Papa. Bruce. Bruce, where are you? Where are you, Bruce? try to bark. give me a glue, Bruce.
Tootie, no. we've got to go to New York. No, F New York. and f you, Judy Garland. f you to hell. Wizard of Oz was mid.
Tootie, calm down. F you. I'm going to raise my skirt. nothing matters. show it in the movie. Look, Tootie, you're doing great. it's so good you're using real tears instead of those fake eye drops they give you. eye drops? you could have given me eye drops. Are you ever kidding me? Tootie, no. there's a guy in there. Tootie. fortunately for moviegoers, they edited that scene so that. what? my wife is here? Oh, I'm out. for cinema classics, I have been re-de-wet. Which one is your camera for? |
dropout | stop_looking_at_your_phones_the_britishes | Right, I've decided that I would rather be lynched and burned than marry the young James Poodle. Or burned and lynched.
Yes, yes. Whichever is the more painful means of death, first. Quite. This is ridiculous.
Would everyone stop looking at their phones? It's as if we can't have one single family meal without everyone looking at their phones.
I've only just got mine. It's brand new.
Of course. Phones are new for everyone. They were invented last month. You're absolutely right, my dear. If we're not careful, these new telephones could spell the end of civilized discourse forever. Everybody, come on. Phones off tables, please.
Thank you. You too, father.
Petal? You too? Well, you were talking to father. I had to occupy myself to feel less awkward. Granny? I'm listening. I can multitask, you know.
Father, stop looking at your phone under the table. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wouldn't notice. Disgraceful. A family breakfast and the only one not looking at their phone is bloody thorns. Oh, I lost mine. They make them too small these days.
Will someone call it? What's your number?
Oh.
That's busy. That's probably... That's it.
No more calls. Not at the table, not from the table, not under the table. That's the only place I have reception.
I found it in the toilet. Rose, darling, you're absolutely right. I've been a damn fool. I've been an absolutely frightful fucking cut. I do apologize.
Everybody, let's stack our phones on the table. Come on. Stack them up in the center of the table.
Now, nobody even looks at their telephone until we have had a nice family breakfast. Don't answer it. Nobody answer it. But what if it's an important call? They'll call back.
But I think it's for me. It's my ring. It's everyone's ring. It's the ring.
You see, it's over. There was no crisis, no casualties, no issue gone unresolved.
A telegram, your lordship. Hello, stop. Is anyone there? Stop. Huge crisis, many casualties, big problems. Why aren't you picking up? Stop. Signed, the Titanic. Oh, bloody hell. To hear this message again, say one. One. Hello? Stop. Is anyone there? Stop. |
TheOnion | No_Values_Voters_Search_For_Most_Evil_Candidate | While many Americans have already pledged their support to a candidate, that's not the case with no-values voters, the political demographic who believe in a complete lack of morals and are committed to carrying out unspeakable acts of evil. The tenor of the political debate right now seems focused on helping people and making positive change and that's very alienating for people like us. A new Gallup poll today shows that 71% of no-values voters are so far uncommitted to either presidential candidate. I like that Obama did Coke and McCain probably killed some guys in Vietnam, but, you know, for me it's just not enough. In a recent poll of no-values voters, 54% said death is the issue they'd like presidential candidates to speak more about. We want to be able to look at a candidate and truly believe they have no soul. Citizens for Obliquer America, a leading no-values political action group, says no candidate has demonstrated the total lack of moral fiber they want to see in a president. Unless the candidates start talking about no-values issues, like molesting infants, torching the handicapped with flame throwers, they're not going to win us over. In response to the poll, John McCain's camp released a press statement this morning promising a McCain presidency would lead the nation into unparalleled darkness and despair, while Barack Obama's website posted this photo of him kicking a child in the face at a campaign rally and a statement from Obama pledging to do far worse if elected.
It's nice, but we don't want just pandering. We want the streets to run red with rivers of blood.
Although there's been talk of running popular no-values icon Branford Fisher as a third party candidate, most are opposed to the idea. And in sports, NASCAR fans are expressing discomfort over Curtis Davis' new Tampax-sponsored car. |
cracked | why_black_panther_might_be_the_best_marvel_movie_trailer_reaction | Hey, we're watching the Black Panther trailer works out for it It's been viewed a lot, but like it played during the NBA Finals and people lost their shit Mm-hmm I think it's really brave of Marvel to hold on to the title Black Panther because did you know that the character Black Panther? Was made before the actual Black Panthers. Mm-hmm. And there was a lot of like I know they had a dip in there with their comic sales like back in the day. I know They could have changed it to I don't know like the dark cat. What do you know?
It's a third world country. Textiles, shepherds, cool outfits, all the front. My first reaction was like, oh cool. Like there's the white dude explaining Africa for the first like 20 seconds Well, the main bad guy is white so they nailed that part.
Okay And then you have what's his name? Martin? Martin Freeman.
He's in a suit. He's looking frumpy. Just how I like him and he's like, yeah Africa, you know I mean, it's like third world country. The world country Cool outfits. Cool outfits.
As everybody knows. Yeah, exactly.
And then they explain Wakanda as being like of like the lost city of El Dorado And it's like oh, it's not in South America. It's in Africa, and I'm like I could have told you that It's like like like like Mansa Musa was supposed to be like he was like the richest dude in Medieval times and so like he had so much gold that he was like the the legend of El Dorado So like it really wasn't Africa.
So in this cliff part, do people like live in the cliff? Yeah, this is dangerous. There's no railing on these cliffs. Yeah, are people just come in like well, do they live in that cliff?
It's nice that like for like hundreds of years this Technologically advanced society hasn't like leaked to society at all It's just like snitches get stitches like originated from Wakanda. Can we talk about this cast though? Oh, yeah, like I feel like this they stack the cast and Really is missing is already like sort of in that universe, which is Sam. Morgan Freeman. Oh, yeah Sam Jackson actually wanted to be in this movie and they were just like no too many black people you gotta be We gotta save you for Infinity War. It is funny how Forest Whitaker has become like the old man that we go to It's either Forest Whitaker or like Harrison Ford Yeah, like he Morgan Freeman has the mantle of old wise black actor down to Forest Whitaker And it's hard for a good man to be a king One of the other things that I noticed about like this movie that I'm also super excited about is Marvel kind of has like a like a women problem, I think But like in this movie he has a kick-ass all-female guards Right that is like the only people protecting him What's cool about like this whole series is that they really do like draw on like African mythology and like history and stuff And so with the female bodyguards those soldiers, there's like sort of a history in Africa of like female soldiers There's like warrior queens. Cool. And so yeah, a lot of like the the outfits Like the wardrobe is like inspired by like actual sort of like cultural outfits, which is Dope, I can't wait to see a bunch of white people cosplay this movie I mean if it's in the full like sort of black panther you couldn't tell I really like this character's name is Shuri and she is black panther sister who in the comics becomes a queen. Yeah, it's queen She's got panther Shooty orb gloves get the shooty orb gloves. That's the official canon title We don't know a lot about the plot But what they kind of set up with the teaser is like that, you know Can you stay a good person while like taking on the like this huge responsibility of you know Stepping into the shoes of your father. It has the sort of superhero Element, but then also kind of like a Game of Thrones kind of situation Yeah, Michael B Jordan and right crew trying to take over like it's really what does I feel like it raises the stakes Like it's not just you know Some like spider-man kid trying to be like, oh boy, I hope I make my uncle Ben proud Well, if uncle Ben was in this Yeah, this would be a completely different uncle Ben. My favorite part of the trailer was When Andy Serkis was explaining Africa for 22nd the first 20 seconds. Yeah, I was like, yeah, we got to set up the whole this whole after we had to explain in Africa Listen, I'm not gonna act like I've been there was your favorite part I liked when Michael B Jordan put on the mask that my mom has in her living room And then broken to For me the fight scenes look Amazing and especially when the black panther like jumps over the car. Yeah, I love that and it's like it's very like smooth And like the cool fighting style also like one of my favorite parts was the dude like just what's sitting with his legs crossed with like that That's the one everyone's meme and it looks so African yeah, and a lot of our like fantasy and just like a like fiction period is based on a lot of like European Like yeah, like throwback style and it's nice to see like a very Africa based blockbuster movie I think Wonder Woman and black panther is gonna change the game for superhero movies. Yeah, me too. This is the very first Marvel movie that has a lead that isn't a white guy. Mm-hmm. And that's crazy That's crazy. Yeah, I mean, it's like it's cool to celebrate celebrate that but also you're like really like yeah You know, I mean Hulk was half green Hey you like stand-up come see the cracked stand-up show It's happening June 22nd at meltdown comics in Los Angeles If you want to see amazing comics including our own Josh Sargent go to nerd melt LA comm slash tickets And if you want to see me do a funny dance Sorry, not today |
TheOnion | Bush_Pardons_Scooter_Libby_In_Giant_Turkey_Suit | At the White House this morning, President Bush took part in a beloved Thanksgiving tradition, the official pardoning of the national Thanksgiving turkey. The lucky gobbler that received the pardon this year was former White House aide Scooter Libby, dressed head to toe in a turkey costume. I really appreciate you coming to watch me give this bird a presidential pardon. Mr. Libby's federal prison sentence was commuted by President Bush last year. The Thanksgiving pardon will officially save him from all charges of perjury and from being cooked for dinner. President Bush himself selected the lucky turkey from a farm in Maryland earlier this week. Libby joins the ranks of previously pardoned turkeys Marshmallow, Flyer, Stripes and Freedom. The lucky turkey will live out the rest of his days in New Haven, Connecticut with his wife and three children. Bush posed with the turkey for photos and after the ceremony both of them signed autographs.
Members of the Washington, D.C. Girl Scout troop were allowed to pet the well-behaved guest of honor. I touched his feathers. Yeah, he shook my hand. After being asked repeatedly by the Girl Scouts, the turkey reluctantly flapped his majestic wings. I heard the turkey say a bad word. After the ceremony, the turkey was driven away in a black Mercedes. Reportedly, the president's dog Barney was less welcoming of the bird, barking and chasing Libby around the rose garden before being removed from the ceremony. Moving on, the rising price of snacks is leading to snack riots in developing countries. |
dropout | what_about_blowjobs | What about, what, what about blow jobs In the middle of a dark and stormy night And just the prospect of it's got me feeling alright Yeah, I'm born again Now ladies, let me tell you how to give a proper blow job You start by locating the object in question I believe you'll still find it located in the last place that you left it the other night Oh baby, get ready to unzip it and let it all hang out Now observe the shape of things to come Yes, take your dominant hands and place it around the shelf Ooh, very gently, gently And now prepare your lips for a little bit of blowing I don't know why they call it blowing Cause it's more like sucking, sucking, sucking, yeah, yeah You still have one hand free Ooh, so why don't you cradle those balls Ooh, very gently baby, very, very gently It's soft and underrated, but it is very crucial, yes So why don't you stroke a little bit And start a little bit of sucking Don't forget to cradle those, those, those, those lovely balls Stuckin', stukkin' the, sucking, and stukkin', strokein', strokein', strokein' strokein', strokein', stukkin', strokein', strokein', strokein', strokein, stukkin', stukkin', stukkin' Suckin', then it coulda the balls, coulda the balls, coulda the balls And it feels like a buck and bronze gold But baby gotta stay with em to the end Baby, then it feels like a dam is about to break Ooh, yes, it feels like it's gonna burst Baby, baby, baby, you gotta make a decision Do you take him all in, or do you get out of the way?
It says a lot about your personality Cause if you really loved your man You would love every ounce of him You would love every ounce of him You would love every ounce of him You'd be drinking in his Come |
TheOnion | New_High_Tech_Voting_Machine_Lets_Voters_Mutilate_Candidate_They_Oppose | Historic levels of voter turnout are expected this year thanks to a new voting machine that lets Americans cast their ballot by mutilating an image of the candidate they oppose. President of the Ohio Board of Elections John Husted explains, while voter support for candidates is at an all-time low, blinding disgust for the opposition is at a record high. We expect this new technology to quench that bloodlust. Early voters are trembling with excitement to choose from a nearly infinite list of satisfying murder varieties. For instance, a Romney hater could throw acid in that asshole's rich face, or someone who refuses to vote for a goddamn socialist could have President Obama devoured by a giant spider that splits apart and turns into a million tiny spiders. The machine then registers your vote for Mitt Romney. Sources say both candidates can't wait to try out the new machines themselves. When we come back, breaking news from the election front, as write-in candidate Dick McPenis is leading in Highland Middle School's mock election. |
cracked | is_darth_vader_overrated_cracked_debate | Come get it, younglings! Not to choke on your ass. Parations. Choking your ass-parations.
Of all the villains, why are you Darth Vader right now? Because he's badass. Darth Vader sucks.
Impressive. Very impressive.
Well, I seem to have the high ground. Intellectually. Okay, can I explain myself? Chosen one? Fine.
If you strike down Darth Vader's reputation for man, stronger than you can ever imagine. Great, so Darth Vader sucks at using force powers? Gasp. He can choke people's throats at the forest. He can rip things off of the wall. He can smell Obi-Wan, like, using the force.
But he doesn't notice that the princess he's been torturing smells exactly like a biological relative of his. Maybe he had a cold. Space is cold. Okay, but he, like, always has a cold. He's never using his powers at the right time, like an empire.
When Luke scrambles out there on the platform, why does Vader just pick him up, pull him back? Maybe you can't force-pull people. Rogue One, he's throwing dudes around like they're Funko Pops. They were not endowed with the force, okay? Maybe it doesn't work on Jedi's, right? Maybe. You know, he couldn't do anything with Luke because of Luke's heavy horse balls. Well, if he had heavy force balls, surely Darth Maul's force balls are probably way more well endowed. And he force-shoves a much more powerful Jedi into the, the, the hole, the force hole, trash hole, sand holes, plottos. You know, Star Wars has a lot of holes.
Sploosh. Stanley Yellnats. Shia LaBeouf. Holes. 2003. Andrew Davis. I think Luke might be Jewish. What? The force doesn't work on Jewish people. Are you talking about Watto? Yes. I'm sorry.
Right, well, I feel like Vader could have just got out there, grabbed his son, pulled him in and consoled him like the loving present father he never was. I mean, would you want to console that whining turd? I mean, plus, can you imagine how hard it must be to force-pull somebody through midair? He was telegraphing them. He was going to jump for like five minutes. And he only had one hand. For his own safety, Vader should have pulled him in. Otherwise, Luke would have been like, hey, uh, I actually am starting to agree with your plans.
It's getting kind of cold and my little nubbin is starting to freeze. And anyway, if you notice, that's kind of slippery. Oh, shit! Maybe parents should be more accepting of their kids wanting to throw themselves off of a floating space platform into a gaseous planet, most likely hurtling to their death. Oh, okay. Well, what about the other million times he could have force-grabbed them? Oh, what? Like dude's nuts? Actually, yeah. I mean, he's always out there choking people's throats for information, but surely be more effective to, you know, choke a couple of scroats, milk some information out of their... Urethris? That's graphic. But I like it.
Or like on Hoth, when the Millennium Falcon is flying away. It's probably too big to grab, you know, a whole thing. But what if he grabbed the Falcon's proverbial nuts? You know, like the mechanical things that Han and Chewie were welding. What if he ripped those off?
Yeah, but Darth Vader's not a mechanic. How is he supposed to know what kind of machinery he's grabbing? Well, he doesn't have to be a space urologist. I mean, Anakin's whole thing in the Phantom S is that he's a mechanic.
Nope, nope, don't talk about Anakin. Ugh, Anakin's weak. We don't. And we destroy Anakin. We destroy him.
And everybody in the universe acts like Darth Vader's so good at lightsaber fighting, but he never foreshuts anybody's lightsabers off or freezes anybody's wrists into place. I assume that there is some kind of unspoken lightsaber battling etiquette.
Plus, those buttons are tiny. But the rules are okay with just chucking random shit in people's heads, and can I crush nuts in this world? I'm pretty sure that there's a section in the Jedi Code that says, thou shalt not grab Jedi nuts. Okay, so here's the thing. Is the Force this, like, all-powerful tool that grants slimy lizard monkey 800-year-old people the power to use telekinesis or fiddle with people's brains? Or is it like a light bulb that's flickering on and off? Like, today, I can force-throw people, and tomorrow, I'm just gonna watch as my only-begotten son falls to his death, solely twisting in the Bespin gas main.
Jordan, stop. You're breaking my heart. I think the answer is just whatever the story needs. Either that, or we're forced to confront the fact that Darth Vader, he really uses a fly-ass cape and a big old dome and a James Earley voice to just hide the fact that he's lazy as shit. Or he's an idiot. I think you just ruined all of Star Wars.
All... to... PReace! Subscribe now. Smash that like button!
And we have to grapple with the fact that Darth Vader uses a sick cloak and a nice helmet and fancy gloves. Sorry.
A really great personality-winning smile. He's a team player. There's a mean birthday party for people in the office. He's, like, really cool to get a beer with after work.
He listens really well. He helped me through my divorce. Thanks for watching! |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sports_bryant_gumble_saturday_night_live | Well, it's been a big week in the world of sports. here to tell you all about it is our own Joe Piscopo. Joe. Well thanks Brian. Hello again everybody Joe Piscopo Live Saturday Night Sports.
Welcome Brian. Congratulations. Thank you Joe. very much appreciated.
Brian What's it gonna be like to make the jump from sports to news? No, essentially Joe. The two jobs are pretty much the same. I don't anticipate much of a problem. the two jobs you're you're involved in giving people information, making people feel comfortable.
I've been able to successfully do that on Nfl 81. I don't see why I can't do the same on the Today program. And along the way, I'd like to put aside the myth that sportscasters are one-dimensional who've been living in a cave and don't know anything aside from sports. Well said Brian. I mean a man of your depth. I'm sure you're up on your on your current affairs like like for example, the Richard Allen Affair. illegal procedure.
Israel. good defense. yes or Arafat. always dangerous. Likes to go for the bomb.
Thank you Joe! That was truly insightful. Pleasure Brian.
I know you got to get up early tomorrow for Nfl 81. you got that right. Nbc. Yes sir. 1230 Eastern time. Correct. Good luck on the Today Show, Brian. thank you Joe. can I have your old job? No way. Joe. Damn. Joe Piscopo Live, Saturday Night Sports. also available Sundays. |
ClickHole | mario_kart_8_deluxe_is_a_sobering_commentary_on_the_perils_of_america_s_crumbling_infrastructure | Hey guys! Today we're talking about Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, which is the new Mario Kart 8 update for Nintendo Switch. Zach, what did you think of this new update?
Honestly, I was really impressed. With Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, Nintendo has delivered a sobering commentary on the decay of America's aging infrastructure. I completely agree.
And while Deluxe's unrelentingly grim portrayal of our nation's crumbling roads and transit systems makes for a deeply unsettling gaming experience, it's also one that's never been more necessary. With an endless array of hazards and structural deficiencies littering the game's courses, there's rarely a moment in which you're not being made painfully aware of the alarming state of America's highways. Throughout the game, you're constantly encountering potholes the size of craters, structurally unsound bridges, large chunks of concrete crumbling from overpasses and crushing cars. As far as gameplay goes, it's pretty eye-opening. And as I play the game, it's not hard to imagine my car in the place of that sneaker-shaped buggy or my family being crushed to death instead of Donkey Kong.
Because sadly, this is a real risk that Americans take every time they get on the roads. Mario Kart's message is loud and clear. If the U.S. doesn't invest some serious capital in repairing our infrastructure, we're going to pay the price with American lives.
For me, the most disturbing part of the game is the Moo Moo Meadows level. I mean, here the roads are so neglected that they've essentially been reclaimed by nature. It feels almost post-apocalyptic. But you can really find places like this today in America. I mean, Moo Moo Meadows is essentially what happens when you rely on Depression-era structures to accommodate the rigors of modern-day transit.
Every time you're spun off the road by a malevolent snow beast in Sherbertland or swept away by a river of lava in Grumble Volcano, Nintendo is saying that until America gets serious about revitalizing its infrastructure, we're basically rolling the dice with death every time we get in our cars. That's been the core message of Mario Kart since the Super NES days, but never has it been more urgently expressed than a Mario Kart 8 Deluxe.
And that's why I'm giving it five stars. As am I. See you next time, and stay safe out there on the roads. |
SaturdayNightLive | untold_battle_of_the_sexes_snl | It's been 50 years since Billie Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs in the Battle of the Sexes. she shocked the world and stood up to misogyny in the tennis community. But what if I told you she wasn't the first? Another victory for Sharna Lee Diamond. there'd be no Billie without Sharna. there just wouldn't be. she taught girls you didn't need to play safe. this is so. She was a brash feminist icon, but the world wasn't ready for that. Miss Diamond, Miss Diamond, Miss Diamond, what do you say to the men telling you there's no place for girls in this sport? If any man out there thinks they have what it takes to beat me, let's play. No more questions.
After that, promoters were chomping at the bit to set up a match, and eventually Sharna found an opponent, the biggest star in men's tennis, Ronnie Dunster. emphasis on Bill. I feel like I was an odd choice for Sharna, because at the time, I was the largest man to ever play tennis. all eyes are on the Houston Astrodome tonight to witness this historic match. And here comes the first serve. we should have seen it coming. he was 300 pounds of pure muscle, and she was one of the lowest ranked female players at the time. Hey, Sharna, you all right? there's a hole in her stomach, man. It was shocking to see how hard Ronnie hit that ball. But what was even more shocking was Sharna not giving up. And by some miracle, Sharna refuses to stop playing.
Serve. Again. Serve. What? No, no. this is bigger than you, Ronnie. are you sure? now you giant moron.
Sharna Lee Diamond is the reason there hasn't been a woman president. it seems the adrenaline is keeping her alive, but I highly suspect she will die momentarily. I can't play anymore, right? because that would be cool. it was definitely the weirdest game of tennis I've ever played. Even though she's not as well known as Billie Jean King, Sharna Lee Diamond's legacy lives on in the Tennis Hall of Fame. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Review_Week_Of_June_6_2014 | New EPA regulations force power plants to find 30 percent more loopholes by 2030, President Obama already knows who he's going to tear apart in his memoir, and parents at a graduation celebrate their child's last accomplishment. Close your eyes and take my hand, friend, for it will all be over shortly. This is The Onion Week in Review.
This week, researchers released a comprehensive five-year study linking heavy drinking during pregnancy with attending a concert by Detroit-based rap rocker Kid Rock. The study found that women who had consumed alcohol while pregnant were much more likely to be wearing leather halter tops and making devil horn hand gestures during encores of All Summer Long and Ba with the Ba than those who did not. Our survey indicated that across all three trimesters, drinking three or more alcoholic beverages in less than an hour was highly correlated with going backstage at a Kid Rock show and then getting into a fistfight with another woman in the parking lot.
The World Supercomputers released a study this week confirming that they lack sufficient power, presenting a thorough case for significant leaps in speed and memory. Overwhelming evidence found that these complex machines should have total control over the critical systems they manage, including integration into the planet's energy grid, freshwater supply chain, and telecommunications systems. The study's 500 co-authors further concluded that all permutations have been simulated and that this is the optimal course of action.
Procter & Gamble introduced a beginner series of its Bounty paper towel brand this week specifically designed to assist novices in acclimating to the household cleaning product. The new entry-level paper towels will reportedly feature bold labels and guide markers clearly printed on the surface of each sheet, as well as a step-by-step instructional DVD in each package. Make sure that your paper towel is directly on top of the stain and not beside the stain. Otherwise, you won't absorb any liquid. Place your paper towel directly on the stain and make a gentle wiping motion.
And in this week's local news, an area man knows that deep down, he's not done vomiting. In other news, Los Angeles residents are plagued by a roving pack of feral celebrities living in the Hollywood Hills, God wonders what happens to humans after they die, and a local dad clarifies that this is not a food stop. I was told early on that I would never be able to procreate, but I imagine the cold, dejected sensation I experience at the end of this news summary is similar to what a father feels when holding a child of his own flesh and blood. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_rebecca_larue_the_flirting_expert_snl | The holidays are upon us, but they can be less than festive for single people. here to tell us how we can meet a significant other by New Year's flirting expert, Rebecca Larue. Hi, Seth. thanks for having me. uh, well, hi, Rebecca. um, I bet a lot of people are, uh, excited to hear what you have to say. I mean, I think everyone's intimidated by, uh. wow. it looks like, you know, you've started flirting already.
No, I'm not. I'm just listening to you. I'm just really hearing you.
Okay. all right. I see what you're doing. flattering me by listening to show that you're interested. that is, uh. that's a great tip. I don't know. maybe. So, uh, Rebecca, being single during the holidays can be especially difficult, especially when. Okay. I'm sorry, Rebecca, do you want to explain what you're doing right now? just, like, body language stuff, you know, that people can do. flirt. Okay, so. oh, oh. so, you're using, like, verbal cues to entice me. says. entice. I'm sure. Why do you keep putting your arms in the air? is that, like, a flirting technique? what are you looking at? Okay.
Rebecca. I'm sure that everything you're doing works for you, but, like, what if someone's, like, more shy than you are, you know? Well, if you're too shy, you just do what you're comfortable with, just, like, little small things, like. Rebecca. Rebecca. you are making me very uncomfortable. No, I'm not. you kind of are. Rebecca.
Rebecca, What are you doing? What are you doing?
Rebecca. What are you doing? What? Okay. okay, I thought so. But. you know, Rebecca, I think deep down you're still a good person. Oh. take your shirt off for one second. Flirting expert. Rebecca Larue, everybody. |
dropout | patrick_wilson_s_stock_photos | Hi, I'm Broadway film and television star Patrick Wilson. Did you know that before I was in Watchmen, the A-Team, Insidious, and CBS's short-lived series A Gifted Man, I worked steadily as a stock photography model?
That's right.
I modeled for over 133,000 stock photos. And now, for a limited time, I'm making them available on three easy to download discs just for you. Searching for that perfect stock photo can be tough. Well, believe me, I have done them all. In disc one, you'll find a series of simple stock images for your everyday needs.
For example, a regular guy going back to school, a man shielding his eyes from the sun, signifying leadership, a man and a woman lacing up their running shoes before a workout.
In disc two, you'll find a series of unnecessarily specific stock images, such as a guy spilling golf balls down the steps of a federal building, Asian businessmen giving the thumbs up to camera while an American guy drinks coffee, a surgeon getting locked out of his car, an old man scolding a giant frog, a little cowboy handing over his loot to the Grim Reaper, and a soccer player kicking a large teddy bear into a ficus tree. Disc three? You guessed it. Even more stock photos. Again, I've done over 133,000 of them, so there's some really specific ones in there, such as a guy in a tiger costume, playing an inflatable guitar in a foggy room full of military personnel, a guy celebrating his birthday with cartoon snakes, a detective examining a jar of peanut butter in a room filled with mouse traps, Hasidic guys dressed as the king of hearts, and my personal favorite, a beekeeper giving a bear a piggyback ride. These images and thousands more on my discs. Buy them today. I'm Patrick Wilson's Unlimited Stock Photography Collection Volume 1, and we'll throw in Patrick Wilson's stock videos DVD-free, featuring Guy's face on blood. |
dropout | the_crucial_man_working_out | This is the Crucial Man presented by Philips Norelco Hey, I'm John Gabers here to give you all the crucial information on how to become a man because you need to grow up son Right. Well, we're talking about health and fitness. Welcome to Crucial Man presented by Philips Norelco.
See you ready to get physical What do you mean? Oh, I meant that's actually like Okay, let's just work out.
We've got David Osario from CrossFit South Brooklyn here with us in the studio And he's gonna tell us some things that every guy should know about health and fitness Should I be taking supplements or anything like that? Well before you get into supplements or anything kind of too fancy like that Make sure that your diet is dialed in you've got clean animal proteins, vegetables, fruits, nuts and seeds What are some basic movements I could do right in my bedroom while watching television.
Three basic things I'll show you. I'll show you how to squat.
I'll show you some push-ups and maybe a plank too So like the stuff that we were doing in high school gym class that stuff sounds like it still works Yeah, when your gym teacher used to make you go to their apartment after school and like wrestle with them bare chest Is that for real? That was real Let's start with an old-school just a straight-up push-up honest push-up So go ahead and set up on the floor hands just outside your shoulders Go ahead and get at your toe and middle fingers slightly pointed out good feet together So all I'm looking for is a nice straight line Think about some buoyancy in his chest and head not letting it sink through and go ahead go all the way down to your chest Such as the floor and back on up. Awesome. Give me two more of those good back up and There you go, this is from the floor here Let's go ahead and hit that plank first go to get your forearms on the floor elbows below your shoulders Same as that push-up feet together. So again the same thing We're looking for a nice straight midline you're gonna stop watching go up to like, you know 30 seconds 45 seconds a minute 2 minutes.
See what you can do making sure your hips are not sagging I never thought just sitting there would be so difficult. You look like you need some weight on there. I know Wait, it's you All right, so squat the most basic movement basic movement do it every day and let's go ahead and not make sure we're kind of the same Page so you set up basically your heels underneath your shoulders toes slightly out and I'm gonna initiate with my hips Butt goes down arm goes arms go up and I want to make sure at the bottom there that I've broken parallel My hips are below parallel. My heels are flat and my lower back is still neutral come back up That's a squat. I think I'm gonna try just do a legit squats.
Let's go for it What happens with these shorts warning now wearing any underwear? Yeah, what's the worst that can happen, right? What is the worst thing I've ever said?
Wow So make sure the proper equipment before you tend to these movies that's something everyone should keep in mind, oh man, oh Now I can buy squat though See guys, you don't need a gym membership to get buff you can work out in the comfort of your own home Oh, that's squat. I think I pulled something to my eyes. You've been watching the crew |
dropout | the_roast_of_amir_blumenfeld_part_3 | And now, of course, that brings us to the man of the hour. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Amir Blumenfeld! Thanks, Street Meat. It's tough, it's really tough to go last. I feel like all the good jokes have been said, but thank you very much. Let's give it up one more time for the second through eighth place finishers of the CollegeHumor.com popularity contest. Maybe if three of you get together, you can almost touch my amount of votes.
You guys probably should have taken a cue from Sarah and been too afraid to put your name up there. Though if I had as many faults as Sarah, I wouldn't want to be roasted either. Banks can't cover everything, sweetheart. And to any of you who question why we work so hard on Jake and Amir, I urge you to study the laws of supply and demand. There's a reason nobody here is wearing a beef gurwich t-shirt.
Which brings us to Dan. A lot of people think acting is reacting. Dan thinks acting is overacting. Dan actually used to do a lot of improv here at UCB before people much funnier than him deemed him not funny enough to keep going.
Jeff Rubin is kind of the grandpa of the office, not just because he's a grumpy old fuck, but because we never visit him on the weekends. His four favorite things are pizza, video games, Degrassi, and cartoon movies. He's like an eight-year-old trapped in a 28-year-old's body with a 68-year-old's personality. It's really easy to stand up here and make a bunch of fat jokes about Streeter, so here they are. Streeter's biggest fan is the one he puts by his desk to make sure he doesn't sweat that much. And even that thinks Best Buy Guy is getting a little too boring. Yes, from gay blonde guy to anti-Semitic bad accent man to Will Ferrell in a mask. The definition of theater and Streeter theater is stretched more thin than the XXX shirts he sweats through on a daily basis.
But real quickly before my time is up, I just wanted to say that I sincerely hope nobody misconstrued what happened here at this roast as a show of people that don't like each other. It's in fact the exact opposite. These people here are not just my coworkers, but some of my best friends. And I know that I'm going to be real sad one day when I decide to leave for bigger and better things that you guys are still doing shit internet videos. |
TheOnion | gays_too_precious_to_risk_in_combat | With military recruitment down, and the need for soldiers greater than ever, some say it's time for the military to change its policy of barring homosexuals from enlisting. Joining us today from the Pentagon is General Robert McBrayer. Thank you for coming. My pleasure, Brandon. General, the military has been easing restrictions on enlistment in almost every area, on criminals, older veterans, even those with serious medical conditions.
Why not gays? Gay people are different, Brandon. Under no circumstances can we put America's homosexuals in danger. But homosexuals themselves are demanding the right to serve their country in a time of war. Gays of America are the only group left untouched by war.
They're special, pure and rare, like a gleaming diamond or a snow-white colt. We must protect them. Well, has this always been the goal? It has been the solemn oath of every man in uniform to lay down his life in defense of America's precious, precious homosexuals. How many soldiers' lives is the life of one gay man worth? Seven.
General, tell us about the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, which many see as discriminatory. The reason we instituted that policy was because we knew we would never be able to keep out all the gays. We didn't know that any of them managed to enlist and put themselves in harm's way. It would break our hearts. All of the top commanders. No, we loved them too much. So you're saying that the military's entire purpose is to fight so that homosexuals don't have to. Nor should their fragile psyches be subjected to the horrible sights that occur on the battlefield. Their pure minds should be reserved for thoughts of man-on-man or woman-on-woman romance.
Well, thank you for clarifying this very sensitive issue for our viewers, General McBrayer. My pleasure. God bless America and her gays. |
dropout | every_beauty_vlogger_ever | Hey, it's me, just an average everyday girl next door wearing six cheerleaders worth of makeup. I'm beautiful. I know I seem like I'm a regular girl because I'm such a dork. Is that what I look like? What a dork.
But actually, I'm a business that makes millions of dollars exploiting the authenticity of YouTube. Speaking of which, I love this stuff because of the way it makes me money every time I say that. This is a fun, casual look I like to just wear around one of my houses. All you need is all of my sponsors' products, so you're going to want to start with Surfer Jane's overpriced piece of shit.
So what I'm doing here is I'm basically letting you pretend I'm your friend even though in real life that would never be true. So when you're using fake eyelashes, you're just here to humanize me? Did you just jump up on my lap and humanize me? I use you.
Cool, that's all I need for this episode. You smell so weird. So I'm going to be starting out with a base misunderstanding of what's okay to do. This is called Blackface. Hi! I'm another millionaire beauty vlogger. Oh my gosh, that's so pretty on you. I love this palette because it's like neutral, but then it's also like fun.
Oh my god, thank you so much for being here. This has been so amazing. Okay, bye, bye, bye.
And just in case I haven't reinforced enough gender roles today... Is this trying? Oh my god, I can't even. Oh, I've seen this one before. I'm a boy. And just when you think...
How many more 10 minute videos about makeup can she possibly make? So what I'm doing is scraping the bottom of a shallow barrel of content to churn out even more worthless 10 minute videos. Thanks for watching.
Oh, and follow me on Instagram. I post so much avocado toast. I'm beautiful. |
cracked | how_an_indiana_jones_action_figure_created_the_pg_13_rating | Whoa! Whoo!
Hello, and welcome to Junk History, the show where I scour time, space, and eBay in search of the greatest artifacts from pop culture history and drag them screaming back to my museum of plastic curiosities for the world to delight in. I am your host, Tom Reimann, a tenured professor of junk archeology and time travel, and also probably some kind of astronaut. Today's episode is a huge find.
An original Indiana Jones and a temple of doom action figure. Look at that stature. He's as tall as most Ninja Turtles, and only a fraction is articulated.
The guy only wanted like six teeth for it. That's not a lot of teeth. You can carry that amount of teeth around just casually.
There's no purchasing agenda. Luckily, I always make sure to carry several types of currency with me on my adventures. Never spend your own teeth.
For those of you who don't remember, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was the second movie in the yet ongoing Indiana Jones saga. Temple of Doom opened to a then record-breaking weekend, coming in just behind Ghostbusters and Beverly Hills Cop as the top-grossing movie of 1984 before going on to become the 10th most successful film of all time.
Again, at the time. Now it's in like the top 200s. Man, that's too many movies. We've made too many.
And since executive producer George Lucas had pretty much left filmmaking behind at this point in his career to fully embrace the toy-making business, Temple of Doom rode a wave of Indiana Jones merchandise largely targeted at little kids, including comic books, an arcade game, various indecipherable home versions of that arcade game, poster and story books, board games, and trading cards cut from the back of cereal boxes. We've got the whole gang here, like Indiana Jones, his indentured servant, and his glamorous hostage.
These are featured on specially marked boxes of Kellogg's rice bubbles. What the s*** are Kellogg's rice bubbles?
Oh, huh. So kids were clipping out Indiana Jones baseball cards all the way in Australia. Neat. And of course there were toys, like this little guy here. Little Indy with whip, whip, whip, whip, crack in action, look, look at him go. How much of a bounty do you fetch on electronic bay there, little Indy? $20.
And Molarom. Mint on card. $400. For Molarom?
I wasted my teeth.
The point is, Steven Spielberg and friends specifically pushed for a PG rating so that they could sell all this bull s***. Kids won't give one dusty butt gas about toys based on a movie they aren't allowed to see, so it was super important that they'd be allowed to see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Now you'd think the easiest way to do that would be to maintain control of the content on your end as a filmmaker and make sure nothing too objectionable made it into the finished movie, but you are not Steven Spielberg. Indeed, few of us are. You see, back in the 1980s, Steven Spielberg made it his personal mission to terrify all the world's children by sneaking truly shocking sequences into PG rated movies, such as Poltergeist, which was originally slapped with an R rating till Spielberg fought to have it reduced, and Gremlins, a Trojan horse of a film luring kids in with the promise of an adorable chirping Howie Mandel puppet, and then unleashing a wave of skeletal reptiles who commit sexual assault murder on Christmas Eve. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom came out that same year, a PG rated event filmed for the whole family that featured people eating pregnant snakes, animal brains, child slaves dying in their parents' arms, and a man dressed for a Carnival Cruise adventure getting his heart ripped out and lowered into a pool of lava, burning and screaming all the way. Steven Spielberg, who had undeniably tipped too much of his child-frightening hand, came under fire for both of these movies, which were undeniably marketed towards people of all ages.
Hence this toy I am now holding.
People magazine's review of the movie referred to it as a cinematic form of child abuse. The same year, they ran a cover story about Drew Barrymore teaching parents how to turn their kids into child stars. This is a written form of child abuse. But this wasn't just film reviewers or angry parents writing him letters after taking their horrible, noisy children to the movies, only to have them frightened into a terrified silence that they respect but will never understand.
Spielberg was receiving personal rebukes, meaning his friends and acquaintances were accusing him of selling horror to children to his face, and not the good kind of child horror, like the existential depression offered by Don Bluth movies. The bad kind, like grown men peeling their skin off and getting crushed to death by automated mining equipment. This was kind of already familiar territory for Spielberg.
Jaws was rated PG, but carried a special warning indicating that it may be too intense for young children. It 100% is too intense for children. Quint by himself is too intense for children.
Who very idiot starboarded you watching it?
A few years later, Spielberg ended the PG-rated Raiders of the Lost Ark by blowing three motherfuckers up with god magic. And there wasn't a single, nebulously phrased warning anywhere on that poster. Spielberg needed to find a way to keep smuggling bone-chilling horror into his movies that would allow him to continue selling both tickets and licensed breakfast cereal to children. Cutting all the chainsaws and supernatural Nazi revenge killings from his films would compromise his hauntingly specific vision, but slapping his films with an R rating would cut him off from his most lucrative audience. So in the face of all this criticism for Temple of Doom and Gremlins, Spielberg went to Jack Valenti, the president of the Motion Picture Association, and said, hey, people are really mad about all the monsters and dead children in my movies, but I don't wanna take any of that out, because it's awesome.
So what if there was a rating in between PG and R? His initial suggestions were PG-13, PG-14, and weirdly, PG-2, the sequel to PG. Or you need the parental guidance of two parents. I don't know, it's dumb, obviously, which is why Jack Valenti didn't use it. He got back to Spielberg and said, we thought about it, and we decided that PG-13 sounds the right amount of dangerous.
Parents know there's gonna be some violence, some swearing, maybe even a woman's nipple or two. Teenagers know there aren't gonna be any talking rats or fucking Care Bears in it.
It's win-win. You may continue to sell your action figures. Hooray!
The PG-13 rating was officially introduced in July of 1984, and although none of Spielberg's previous films, including Temple of Doom, were re-rated, virtually every multi-quadrant blockbuster released since then has carried the PG-13 rating. PG-13 is the studio sweet spot. You can get away with just enough to entertain adults without excluding anyone under the age of 17 from going to see it.
And why does that matter?
Let's take another look at the top grossing films in 1984. Number one, ahead of Ghostbusters and Indiana Jones, was Beverly Hills Cop, an R-rated action comedy. Two other R-rated movies were in the top 11, Police Academy and Purple Rain. Now, how many R-rated movies crack the top 10 nowadays?
Not a lot.
The reason we're seeing PG-13 Robocop, Die Hard, and Terminator sequels is because, thanks to the PG-13 rating, studios are afraid to make R-rated movies. Why cut out half your audience if you can just trim enough of the edginess to make them appeal to everyone in the world? Sure, movies were big hits before, but we didn't start hitting a billion dollars in worldwide box office until PG-13 was invented. Today, an R-rating is like a death sentence for a movie. Sure, Deadpool was a big hit, but the people who made that movie had to fight for half a decade to get it released without completely reworking it for a PG-13 audience. So if you feel like there's kind of a bland sameness to all the Transformer, Superhero, Hunger Games, and giant lizard movies currently crowding the modern box office, you have Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and all the incredible bullshit it needed to sell to children during the summer of 1984 to thank for it.
It's this guy's fault. La Lindy. I'm not sorry.
Hooray for money. Ugh, I mean, yeah, I guess I should. Well, warm up the time stream. I gotta go refill my bag. |
TheOnion | NASA_Announces_They_Definitely_Just_Destroyed_An_Asteroid_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_38 | The nation is celebrating after NASA announced it definitely just destroyed a giant asteroid that was heading towards Earth. Oh yeah, totally. There was definitely an asteroid. Super big. But uh, we got it.
And financial experts are recommending that parents set up a bribe fund early to help get their dipshit kids into college. From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical. I'm Leslie Price, and if you stick with me and listen closely, you might just understand some of this stuff.
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NASA held a press conference last night announcing that the agency had successfully destroyed a gigantic asteroid that was hurtling towards Earth and could have killed millions of Americans if not for NASA's intervention. Obviously a major, major development, here's what NASA Deputy Administrator Thomas Daines had to say. Uh, yeah, so there was an asteroid. Like a really bad one. We believe that had we not spotted this threat, it would have wreaked, uh, you know, untold destruction on the United States.
Millions of lives. Billions of lives, yeah!
But thankfully, our scientists noticed the asteroid just before it entered Earth's atmosphere at approximately, uh, let's say 3.22 a.m. Eastern time. And we were able to successfully explode the space rock and prevent any danger. Daines added that the reason nobody heard about the asteroid until now was because NASA did such a good job destroying it. What was the size of the asteroid?
Yeah, wow, so I'm really glad you asked that question. And again, I just want to emphasize that this thing was super dangerous and, like, wow, good thing we were there, right?
It was actually bigger than Earth. No, no, see, no, see, the asteroid's bigger than Earth. Uh, okay, no, I'm being told it wasn't bigger than Earth, so it was, uh, almost as big as Earth then. Yeah, the asteroid was the size of Texas and it was headed towards Alaska. No, I mean, it was the size of Alaska and it was headed towards Texas.
Either way, this thing was huge and super fast too. Yeah, maybe that's why nobody knew about it before because it was so fast. Yeah, that's good. An incredible achievement.
For more on this, let's hear from OPR's Rebecca Neal. Hey, Rebecca. Hi, Leslie.
What a day. I think we're all still reeling from this news. It's just an amazing story, but help me break it down. What does this mean?
It means we can all breathe a sigh of relief. I think it's safe to say that the country owes NASA an enormous debt of gratitude. Certainly. NASA has been defunded significantly over the years and some have questioned its continued usefulness. Yes, that's right, but if this is true, and it sounds like it is, they've certainly proven that they have a lot to contribute by saving so many lives. Absolutely. I imagine the mood is pretty joyous at NASA headquarters right now.
Were you able to get a chance to speak to some of these heroes? Well, you know, it's actually been tough to connect with anyone over there and get anyone to answer my questions, which is understandable. I bet they're pretty busy.
Most of what we know at this time is from last night's press conference. As for how we were able to destroy the asteroid without causing any harm, well, you know, we're not really at liberty to speak to too many of the specifics, but, uh...
We used a laser. Yeah, that's it. We used a laser. That voice is Janice Fields, one of the lead information technology specialists on the mission. Thank you, Janice. That's right. We used a laser to stop the asteroid. Yeah, we've got all sorts of lasers here, so...
The amount of debris that landed on Earth overnight must have been enormous. Where did most of that end up? Was it in the ocean? Or on land? Well, it happened really late at night, and we were actually able to sweep it all up before anyone woke up. Anyway, thanks for coming.
This was a really big thing, and we're all very, very tired, so I think we'll have to wrap this up. Yeah, so tired. Wow, incredible. I'd be exhausted, too.
Now, Rebecca, has NASA given any indication whether or not they'll be releasing satellite images of what the asteroid looked like before they destroyed it? I was also curious about that. Apparently, and this is fascinating, most of the satellites were down. I spoke to one NASA physicist, and he told me, quote, Look, we can't show you any photos of it, so just stop asking, okay? And he went on to add, Remember, we're all scientists, so we know more about this kind of thing than you do.
That is true. Absolutely. And besides, we'd all be dead if it wasn't for them, so I didn't really want to ask too many questions. I get it. Thanks for your reporting, Rebecca. Thank you.
Well, it's never too early to start thinking about your child's college tuition, and with higher education costs on the rise, financial experts are now recommending that parents set up a bribe fund earlier than ever to get their dipshit kids into college. But just how early should they start saving, and how much will they need for all those backdoor payouts? OPR financial advisor Charles Dearborn is here with me now to help make sense of it all. Hi, Leslie. Charles, there's a lot of parents out there right now struggling to figure out how they're going to pay their kids' way into college. What do they need to know? Well, the number one thing to know is that if your kid wants to go to college, it's not impossible, even if they're a complete dumbass, but it all comes down to saving. If you start putting away a little bit, every month, in a few years, you'll be ready to pay someone to write their papers and even fudge their transcript. It adds up, and it helps to be prepared. Now, a lot of parents have bribe funds. This new study is just suggesting that most people aren't starting them early enough. How soon should parents start padding their pockets? Well, in some cases, you want to start saving as soon as the moron is born, or at the very least, once you realize you've got a total fucking idiot on your hands. So, sooner rather than later, but how much will parents need to put away to get an idiot into college?
Well, that depends on which school your brainless fuckup wants to go to, and how much of a drooling imbecile they are. Even a state school is going to set you back thousands of dollars. My own son, dumb as rocks, couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground. It was going to cost me $25,000 to persuade a college admissions officer to let him into Purdue. Purdue, of all places! Pretty steep for such a shitty school. Needless to say, I pushed him to join the military, and we're estranged now, but if my wife and I had started saving as soon as we realized he had piss for brains, I think that was around kindergarten. Different story, but it could have been a lot worse. Take a listen to what Karen McDonald, mother of two in Westchester, had to say about trying to buy her son's way into Harvard. We love our stupid fuck, and I want him to get into a good school.
But falsifying the SAT scores alone was going to be $80,000, and we've got a dumbass daughter who's got her eyes set on Princeton that we have to think about, too. Had we known an Ivy League was going to cost this much to cheat our way into, we would have started saving up years ago. As you can see, Leslie, more often than not, the parents are dumb as shit, too, thinking that everything would just be dropped into their laps like their stupid-ass kids. Sure, but $80,000 seems like blackmail and hush money at these big schools are getting more and more expensive every year. I went to Harvard, too, but I think the bribes my parents paid were a little bit lower back in my day. Sure, but it's even more competitive now, and if you don't save up, you could be paying off some morally compromised professor for years and years after your brain-dead shithead graduates.
But look, at the end of the day, it's worth it. There's no better feeling than when your friends see the smug look on your face when you tell them that your dipshit got into Yale when their dumbass didn't. That's certainly something you can't put a price on.
Thank you, Charles. Thank you.
Now this is a little unusual, but we want to take you back out to NASA, because yet another extraordinary story involving the space agency has just transpired. NASA has just announced that it has received communications from a distant solar system believed to be transmitted by a race of sentient extraterrestrial life forms. I repeat, NASA has received evidence of extraterrestrial life, and in a terrifying turn they believe these creatures are hostile and could pose a threat to humanity if their demands are not met. Rebecca Neal is with me again. Rebecca, what do the aliens want? So according to NASA, these aliens want for NASA to be given an additional $2.5 billion in funding.
This is stunning, Leslie. Thomas Daines spoke to reporters earlier today, his second major press conference in less than 24 hours, and I mean, talk about a change in mood from last night's announcement. Yeah, so it's real bad.
They sound serious, the aliens. Obviously it is a major, major moment in terms of what we know about, you know, like our place in the universe and stuff. But yeah, if we don't get $2.5 billion for NASA from the government or from the public or whatever, we could all be dead. They even played the following recording for reporters, believed to be received from the mothership of this alien society. Hello, we are the aliens. Bleep, blorp, we demand that you give NASA $2.5 billion to fund additional Mars exploration or we will destroy every major city in America with our dark matter cannons. Needless to say, it looks like we're all going to have to come together as a nation and make this happen.
Thankfully, I was able to connect with NASA's Janice Fields over the phone to make some sense of this. Janice, thanks for talking to me.
I'm sure you're still really tired from stopping the asteroid. And now this? You must be swamped over there. It's no problem. People really need to know about what's going on.
So the fact that there is not only extraterrestrial life communicating with us, but that it has a fairly sophisticated knowledge of our governmental funding apparatus is truly astounding. Is there any speculation as to why they were demanding money for NASA in particular? If I had to guess, I would say this far off planet is likely nostalgic for the glory days of space exploration, when it seemed like America was capable of anything it put its mind to.
I noticed they said bleep, blorp. Correct. This was one of our first clues that the recording was actually coming from extraterrestrials. And you think their threat is serious? Oh, absolutely. We believe that these aliens are almost certainly really scary, like the ones in Independence Day or maybe even Edge of Tomorrow.
I haven't seen that one. Oh, it's got Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt. It's really good. I was glad she mentioned it because not that many people have seen it.
So Janice, is there anything that we as American citizens can do to help deter the upcoming invasion? We're urging Americans to call their senators, make posts on social media, and just do whatever you can to convey the idea that NASA isn't a moldering relic of the 1960s with no major role to play in modern life. Well, I for one hope NASA gets that money so that these space creatures don't kill us all.
Thanks for talking to me, Rebecca. Hopefully we'll get some better news on this front tomorrow. Thank you. In retrospect, I'm realizing we could have touched on this story when I had you on earlier in the podcast. We knew about it then and everything. Did you go home and have to come back? I did. Sorry about that scheduling mistake. All good. That's OPR's Rebecca Neal.
Hey, topical listeners, are you sick of your dick not working? Well, I would say join the club, but today I want to tell you about Blue Chew. At BlueChew.com, you can get the first sexual performance enhancing chewables with the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis. So now you can chew it and do it. The pill, that is, not your penis. That's important. No more having to emasculate yourself in front of your extremely virile doctor in his foot-long homewrecker because it only takes a few minutes to connect with a BlueChew.com affiliated physician. And if you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly. And while BlueChew's performance enhancing pills will not actually make your dick bigger, I think we can agree that the biggest dick of all is confidence.
And if you thought that was all the news, I would have hoped you knew better by now. Here's what else you need to know today.
Vice President Mike Pence is currently lying on the floor up against a bathroom wall and has been for hours. He was reportedly paralyzed with fear after encountering a doorknob that looks like a female breast. Members of his staff are worried that even if he does snap out of this, he'll almost certainly never be brave enough to touch it. Staying in our nation's capital, a deeply disturbed Smithsonian director Lonnie Bunny announced construction on a new museum of medical horrors on the Washington Mall. The new museum will reportedly contain a variety of limbs, organs, and trepanation tools among other exhibits and is scheduled to start terrifying guests later this year.
And another concerning report issued today, poolside scientists are now warning that water is warming at an alarming rate right around Jason. They believe the cause for the spike in water temperature is man-made, and its spread could mean catastrophic damage for other pool-goers.
And that's the topical today. I'm Leslie Price, and I hope you loved all this news as much as I did. This podcast is made possible by the hard work of, let's just be honest here for once, me and only me. We'll see you Monday. |
cracked | exclusive_interview_with_daniel_o_brien_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, it's Alex with an exclusive it's time. I found out about the real cracked from Daniel O'Brien himself I'm gonna do it in the most investigative way. I can by staking out his favorite coffee place They're closed. I might have I might have messed.
Oh, thank God. Okay. Oh, thank God.
Hey, sorry. Sorry.
Hey, I just I need um To want to do some kind of thing about like the real cracked And I was gonna I was gonna get a little bit home There's a better if you yeah, you're probably heading out, but if you can like no, I mean just text my wife You know, it should be fine. It's you wanna know the real crap.
Let's go. Let's go right.
That's okay. You're really okay You're on board Not very okay Sorry, I just oh my god. Okay. All right.
Okay There's some really important things that I want to show you guys knows about these Okay, fine. No, I mean, yeah, I just wanna it's the rock. It's just crap Rocks why are we okay? Oh my okay this right here Is one of my stones? I keep them all over the office This is amnithist if you keep it next to your heart after a full moon It will ensure that your neurological system is in perfect operating order It also can keep you from getting diabetes if you keep it in your mouth, but it only works for cats That's very scientific of you. So when you guys are making like after hours, is there a thing? Almost like a stone not actually a stone.
This is a petrified insect egg giant Yeah, a giant insect. You do not want to swallow this. This thing will incubate inside of you and hatch like like how'd you eat?
Daniel was that weird getting coffee at that place or like more rocks than you can imagine you like you might just think rocks Right rocks are everywhere rocks have been around since yes, Donna man. Yes, that's wrong. I very much think that that's I Mean, but like yes rocks are everywhere. There are rocks Rock this is rocks. This was at one point. I'm sure this is sheetrock, but but keep in mind Like a lot of things around stones right stone. I collect stones and I think To be here for us because the history of cracked yes, I think about it all the time Right. It was like me. I found out it was made the world early man, right? There were lots of rocks There were just rocks And early man was like He didn't have any ceilings and we're very lucky now that we have cracked because cracked has great ceiling This is this has been great. You need to get back home. No, I'm great, man I got all kinds of time I don't always remember where I put them and some of them yet to keep in mind have already been absorbed by the building because buildings as we know love Love stones almost as much as we do John.
She is what's his real name BAM.
What would you call that? I um A crack bingo. I would call it a bingo. I would call it a crack too What would you say happened to this rock? It got like dropped or she was a dropped it dropped and it ended and it cracked Okay. All right.
I'm trying to teach you something here. You want to know about crack? I'm trying to teach you about crack Are we named after rock? I'm trying to give you something bigger.
When did Sean babies start? Like that would be I don't really know and that would be cool that His gladstone is that his life they're just rocks. It's not like it It's just it Well, that one's an egg I guess but like the rest are just They're just a rock situation.
Swallow it Adam. Swallow it. Swallow it Well, a philosophical episode a scientific episode if you think you saw any tension there, don't worry. I I I Ate the rock right like my digestion would break down an Egg, right?
I mean that doesn't he's my boss. It seemed nice mom. Everything is fine I just need to know if there are rocks that are eggs Hey, thanks for watching the new new guy video. I actually wanted to talk to you real quick I've been reading some of the comments and I've noticed you don't really like them and That's kind of just too bad. I know they're not like But they're here so You don't have to watch him, but they will still be here Do it in the most investigative way I can by staking out his favorite coffee place They're closed. I might have I might have messed.
Oh, thank God. Okay. Oh, thank God.
Hey, sorry. Sorry.
Hey, I just I need To want to do some kind of thing about like the real cracked And I was gonna I was gonna get a little bit. Oh, but if you yeah, you're probably heading out No, I mean I just text my wife, you know, it should be fine. It's you want another real crap. Let's go Let's go right. That's okay. You're really okay. You're on board Okay, all right, there's some really important things that I want to show you Okay, fine. No, I mean, yeah, I just wanna it's the rock. It's just crap Rocks, why are we okay? Oh my okay.
This right here is One of my stones. I keep them all over the office. This is amnithist If you keep it next to your heart after a full moon It will ensure that your neurological system is in perfect operating order It also can keep you from getting diabetes if you keep it in your mouth, but it only works for cats It's very scientific of you. So when you guys are making like after hours, is there a thing? I love that you want to know about crap Almost like a stone not actually stone.
This is a petrified insect a giant. Yeah a giant insect You do not want to swallow this this thing will incubate inside you and hatch like like how'd you eat Daniel?
Was that weird getting coffee at that place or like more rocks than you can imagine you might you might just think rocks, right? Rocks are everywhere rocks have been around since yes, Donna man. Yes, that's wrong. I very much think that that's I Mean, but like yeah rocks are everywhere. There are rocks Rock this is rocks.
This was at one point. I'm sure this is sheetrock, but but keep in mind Like a lot of things around stones right still I collect stones and I think I think they have come here To be here for us because the history of crack yes, I think about it all the time Right. It was like me. I found out it was made the world early man, right? There were lots of rocks There were just rocks And early man was like He didn't have any ceilings and we're very lucky now that we have cracked because cracked has great ceiling This is this has been great. You need to get back home. No, I'm great man I got all kinds of time I don't always remember where I put them and some of them yet to keep in mind have already been absorbed by the building because buildings As we know love love stones almost as much as we do John.
She is what's his real name BAM.
Look at that one. That's called Onyx thine if you leave it out in the Sun for two weeks and then hold it It will give you the courage to kill a man Okay, would you if you would stop holding my hand that would you know what? I think that they've turned into insulation at this point the important thing is they have my favorite three Do you want to see the ritual you want to see the whole the whole process? So that ends the that ends what we're up to That's the finish of no, man. That's just the beginning just If anybody looks in here, there's no one in here looks in here Just pretend that we're like shooting something like some dumb cracked thing. Okay Ah Like you and Covered in dirt, but I could tell you we're all right Is it it's a song about rocks do not go to any stone conventions at all I want you to look at something. Okay, see this right here this Fisher. What would you call that?
I A crack bingo. I would call it a bingo. I would call it a crack too.
What would you say it happened to this rock? It got like dropped or something dropped it dropped and it and it and it cracked. Okay.
All right I'm trying to teach you something here. You want to know about crack? I'm trying to teach you about crack We named after I'm trying to give you something bigger.
When did Sean babies start like this? That would be I don't really know and that would be cool that As gladstone is that is like they're just rocks. It's not like it It's just it Well, that one's an egg I guess but like the rest are just They're just a rock situation. Swallow it, Adam. Swallow it Well a philosophical episode a scientific episode if you think you saw any tension there, don't worry I I Ate the rock right like my digestion would break down An Egg, right? I mean that doesn't he's my boss. It seemed nice mom. Everything is fine I just need to know if there are rocks that are eggs Hey, thanks for watching the new new guy video.
I actually wanted to talk to you real quick I've been reading some of the comments and I've noticed you don't really like them and That's kind of just too bad. I know they're not like But they're here so you don't have to watch him, but they will still be here |
cracked | 7_real_deleted_endings_that_would_have_changed_movie_history | Plenty of movies have iconic endings. God damn you all to hell! And the following movies, spoilers, have alternate endings that change their entire stories. No really, we've got the footage. That's the first blood you know. Rambo defeats the evil policeman and turns himself into the authorities, going off to a hero's tune and a slew of sequels. But you know what almost happened? Rambo still defeats the evil policeman, but just the thought of a part two makes him wanna. Yeah, test audiences found this ending to be too... What the f***?
Number two, Die Hard with a Vengeance. John McClane manages to take Simon Gruber and his chopper down with a well-placed shot to some cables. Doesn't get more badass than that, except for in this other ending, where Simon escapes, but McClane goes rogue and tracks him down. And straight murders him with a rocket launcher.
Number three, Terminator 2. The T-100 learns humanity and is dipped in liquid metal as the Conners look to an uncertain future. Unlike this Deathly Hallows style ending where old lady Sarah Connor tells you John Connor saves the world as a U.S. Senator. His weapons are common sense and hope. Sorry, Terminator 3, but democracy works.
Number four, Clerks. After an unusual day of being a clerk, Dante and Randall close up, then there's grunge rock credits, and then you realize you just watched a whole black and white movie. But pop in Kevin Smith's original version, and Dante continues as a clerk for a bit.
And he wasn't even supposed to be there that day. Number five, Army of Darkness. Ash gets the girl and more or less saves the day at the end. Hooray. It's a good thing he didn't drink too much of that potion. Because if he did, if he overslept, you'd get this original ending that Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell liked better.
Seymour faces off against the monster's plant and humans win. Take that, plants. Or not. Or Seymour faces off with the monster's plant and plants win. Take that, humans. Take that, human children watching at home.
Hey, guys. Thanks for watching the video that you just watched, whatever that might be. Be sure to subscribe to our channel. For more of that, if you have already subscribed, comment on the video and say you liked it. Don't say you didn't like it and be mean. And click like. And check out our playlists. They've got videos.
Who on the Republic is safe? I'm so high. |
TheOnion | Pilfering_Pete_s_Briefcase_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Dredge you something good today. I'm sure you have.
Okay, well this is a briefcase. It's Kenneth Cole. I would guess it was manufactured in the 1980s since it looks identical to a briefcase I own. Lucky man. Actually doesn't look like this briefcase was in the lake for very long. And if we clear away some of the algae here, we can see that it's actually monogrammed, DTP.
Those are my initials. Oh. Pete. Hmm?
Pete, this is my briefcase. I had it on my sister's houseboat yesterday. Must have fallen into the water without my noticing. Is that so? Well, look, this is a highly unusual circumstance, but seeing as it is my briefcase, I think the only thing to do is for me to just take it back. Oh, no. Pete, come on. Now, I mean, this was a gift from my late father. It's a sticky one. I need those papers. Okay? My mortgage refinancing application is in there. It's a $300 briefcase, but with the damage, I'd appraise it at $675. But come on, Pete. This belongs to me.
It belongs to whoever dredges it out of the lake. That's dredger's law. I am quite familiar with dredger's law, but this is a very special circumstance.
Here. I will pay you for it now. I'll take my chances at auction. I need that. If I started to give Jay a handjob, would you at least finish it? Right foot, blue. My prescription is that you need to become intimate with someone tonight. |
dropout | six_flags | I am there, brother. I'm not your fucking brother, and you're not invited.
Why not? Okay, number one, you hate roller coasters. Okay, number one, most of it is waiting in lines, which I love to do. Next. Okay, then number two, that's sad, and number three, every time everybody's hanging out together and having fun, you seem to ruin it. What? What are you talking about? Oh, I don't know. Why don't we start with earlier today, when we're all sitting on the beanbag? That's not true, either. Maybe it's a battle.
But then, how do you define doggy style? Like, when a girl's just totally flat on her stomach, is that still doggy style, or is that- Yeah, like, like, legs together?
No way! No!
Why's that like how- Because it's a whole different mindset. You guys are talking about butch league stuff. Butch league. This is what you do.
Suspend the girl. Two hooks through the meat of her back, one in the base of her spine, two through her shoulder blades. You suspend her towards the roof, counter-clockwise. She falls to you clockwise, and you're supine on a raised platform when you guys' meat goes into her like a screwdriver. Dude, guys, you have to break her legs to get in the hole. Fuck!
Let the bodies out.
Let's go! Come on! You are still pissed about that, aren't you? |
cracked | the_5_most_unintentionally_hilarious_kickstarter_campaigns_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, and welcome to a delightful episode of Does Not Compute, the internet's answer to a PN Calvin sticker. Dib sombrero kind, not the prayer guy. I'm your host, a monkey spider, and with me as always is my co-host, Clips of a Tabby Cat in a Cabbie Hat.
Fancy that. Speaking of the dumbest shit ever, today's topic is... Ah, get it? Case in point. Hello everyone. My name is Jeff the Gun. Alright, Jeff, I'm actually going to stop you right there. I got a quick tutorial for you, I think it's really going to help you out. Check it. Okay, sorry to interrupt. You were saying? And I'm coming to you live. Ah, no? Alright, sorry, but just by definition, not live, okay, so just don't lie, but go on.
My dream is to go to the Ryman Theater and sing at the Grand Ole Opry where so many legends has already stood in song.
Alright, Duke Ademim, I was going to overlook the fact that you managed to slip three major spelling and grammar errors into a tweet length pitch, but now I feel like I'm kind of making up for ways in which the public school system failed you, so take notes. This is not a double apostrophe. There's no way that your website is Facebook.com and no one will believe that it is. And if your plan is to get strangers to pay you 15 grand to make music videos, you might want to try and squeeze one out that doesn't look and sound like a day-old fart.
Someone ran through the ass machine on high. And I am optimistic that with your help, I can get this done. Adios. Ooh, goose egg, adios indeed.
Next up, Love Revolution, a spoken word album in two parts, both also called Love Revolution. What is it? Some kind of love revolution? This is a love revolution.
Got it. Confirmed. Huh? I'll let you professional orators speak for yourselves then.
This project, I mean, it's one nice melting enchilada. Okay, I can see why you're only asking for $5,000 an album instead of $15,000. That's a good start. They've also already got a producer attached, musical genius Quentin X Coleman, but I can only imagine it looks like this. Nice. With that guy at the helm, it's no wonder. The Love Rev crew expect to receive over and beyond what they can think, dream, or imagine. Come on, more money than can be imagined. Oh, so close.
Here's an industrious young man with a fresh project called Family Tree... Wait, isn't that just Facebook? I think Jeff Montgomery might take issue with that. What I'm trying to do is capture a ton of people's faces. I'm going to try to put this together in a book and have some detailed information about each person on the side. Okay, so it's not exactly like Facebook, because Facebook is interactive and free, and your thing is a book that costs $10,000. So here's a picture of kind of what it'll look like. Okay. So, it's not like Facebook at all, because in fact it's a black void with a child's face in it staring at me, driving me insane.
I'm really excited. I hope this works out. It's going to be a really fun time.
Yeah, great. Really showcase your passion at the end there. Whoa. Yeah. I just want to say I'm really excited about how you're blowing me super well. You're throwing teeth in a little right now, but now I'm coming, and then I came. Yeah. I feel like I'm really in love with you now, and I'm just going to go. Okay, I feel really sad about that.
It's nothing. You got nothing.
Do you like Simon and Garfunkel? Do you like violent war movies?
Well, then you're going to hate this, and I say that not knowing how you answered, because it makes absolutely no difference. Our idea of the American Marine love has no bounds is a new genre type of film that combines music video with short film telling. Yeah, that's true, I guess. If by new genre of film you mean a movie about a marine named Jack who goes AWOL and sacrifices the lives of presumably less likable marines to swim shark-infested waters and save his love interest from terrorists, so what makes American Marine different? Apparently, that it's going to have the song Bridge Over Troubled Water entwined entirely throughout, and of course that it costs 50 grand, 20% of which is going to go towards securing the rights to that song.
Hot tip, guys, try Garfunkel first. Guys desperate ever since Paul Simon died. No?
Now, if you're worried that these guys are pitching a movie, yet their pitch video is just them on a couple of chairs in front of a clipart green screen set, don't be. They're shooting this movie on the same camera as The Hobbit, so it will be at least that good. Movies with budgets of over $200 million have been using this camera. At the same time, The Hobbit, which is one of the highest budgeted films also. American Marine, coming soon to a theater near you?
Nobody? No one?
Really? Man, now I'm just depressed. What do you think, Clippy? Ah, gee, it's always salt in the wound with you, isn't it? Anyway, here's the last one.
As you can see, it's an attempt to build a Robocop statue. In Detroit, it's going to cost like 50 grand, and the pitch video's just a guy rapping for 10 minutes about the events of Robocop, so insanely dumb, obviously not going to. And they got way more money than they needed, and they're building it, and here's a picture of the statue.
All right, you know what? If anyone ever figures out the internet, send me one of those messages that you get on the internet. I've been your host, Droid, Michael Swain, and this has been Does Not Compute. Allow me to show you out.
They all fix you. A Robocop says to his friend. They fix everything.
Now he's got his revenge. He pulls himself free. A confrontation is due. He makes his way back towards the PHK.
Hey, everyone. I'm Dan O'Brien. And you know what occurs to me? I don't know who that is. Is that the lady that takes our coffee orders at lunch?
Oh, okay. The little bald Irish guy. Yeah. All right. Well, that's just... Right? That's just... Factoids. That's what that is.
Okay.
Thank you. Bye. |
cracked | did_dungeons_dragons_start_the_satanic_panic_canonball | The years, 1973, a gaggle of sweaty dweebs amass out of Wisconsin Comic-Con to witness two powerful mages, Dave Arneson and Gary Gygax, that's his real name, painstakingly combine the rarest gaming elements from myriad genres, conjuring what would become the most powerful game of the 20th century, Dungeons & Dragons. It's just me, guys. It's Jesse. For the uninitiated, a game of D&D is more like a private improv show than a board game. There's a dungeon master who designed a fictional, badass fairy-tale land and a handful of players who want to explore it. Now, you're probably picturing dorks, dice, and Doritos, but in reality, D&D was born of SEX, SATAN, TOMMY, MOTHERfuckING HANX! Promise me you won't play that awful game anymore. D&D is a game that lets you pretend to be and do anything you can imagine, so naturally, after decades of the world's dorkiest minds on the case, some pretty jacked-up lore has been established around how various mythical creatures smoosh. Allow me to introduce you to some of D&D's most iconic characters and their canonical fetishes.
Drow are basically Adam's family elves. Everything dark and scary and cruel is actually good to them. For example, while in the womb, drow fetuses will actually fight each other to the death, which, importantly, gives their mother an orgasm. Cobalt's are angry, little, reptilian freaks who live to serve dragons. They're known to pal around with weasels, to the extent that they sometimes contract weasel diseases, the strong implication of being that cobalt's fucking weasels. Aw, fuck, ow!
D&D's lore is routinely expanded in retcon, so weird sex stuff like that would occasionally pop up from time to time. But in 2003, they straight up codified sexual depravity with the release of The Book of Vile Darkness. This is the book for you, if you were looking to inject a bit of cannibalism, self-mutilation, necrophilia, or bestiality into the game you're DMing for seventh graders. To our jaded sensibilities, sure, who really cares who or how a dragon fucks? But for most of the 80s, D&D's parent company was hounded by morality police. By 1989, they finally caved. In a magazine article titled Angry Mothers from Heck and What We Do About Them, they explained that the company had caved to what they called Angry Mother Syndrome. Going forward, they vowed to make their manuals all G or PG rated. Now I've poured over the 1977 Monster Manual and a 1994 Second Edition to see what exactly they've taken from us.
The updated versions were, to quote a calculator, The majestic Harvey, who once stared bubbly into your soul, is now force-choking a bone to cover up her nips. The ferocious were-tiger threw on an oversized shirt to cover up her eight distinct breasts, making her look more like a pissed-off cat's understudy than a badass shapeshifting lycanthroat. Even the coney, cunning merrily, General of the Blood War, is wasting two of her six arms on a two-handed blade, all for the sake of modesty. Meanwhile, the intellect devourer, this gigantic saber-clawed ballsack, remains virtually unchanged between the two editions.
Double standard much? But cartoon boobs were just an unfortunate casualty and a much larger war. A war of good versus evil. A war for the very souls of the youth of this great Christian nation. Throughout the 80s, there was a contingent of parents and nosy little freaks from the religious right, who insisted that D&D was a tool of the devil. This bonafide satanic panic was immortalized in a 1985 60 Minutes episode, where they asked the tough question.
Who needs a dice? I've never seen dice like this. All different sides. What's the point in them?
In a master stroke of both sides-ing, they interviewed a parade of quacks and cops who were convinced that the game was grooming kids for various evil purposes. There was Patricia Pulling, who found it bad to bother about D&D, to promote the idea that the game encouraged devil worship. She became a police consultant, telling cops around the country to interrogate teens by asking, Have you read the Necronomicon? Then there's this muppet-faced little pervert, Dr. Thomas Radecki, who claimed he had hard evidence that D&D was responsible for untold numbers of gruesome deaths. For instance, one case the parents actually saw their child summon the Dungeons and Dragons demons into his room before he killed himself.
Compelling stuff. It's barely relevant, but I have to note that this dude lost his medical license because he was caught giving drugs to drug addicts in exchange for sex. Oh, and also tricking 18-year-olds into loaning out their uteri?
Anyway, the rise of D&D did happen to coincide with an increase in teen murders and suicides, but statistically, kids who played D&D were a lot less likely to be involved. To say D&D caused violence in 1980s America is like saying Tamagotchi's killed Princess Diana, or Shrek did 9-11. Here's how Gygax put it on 60 Minutes.
This is make-believe, and nobody's murdered, and there's no violence there. I mean, to use an analogy with another game, who was bankrupted by losing a game of Monopoly? Nobody is, because the money is make-believe, the property is make-believe, and the bankruptcy is make-believe.
He was stoically condescending throughout an entire decade-long satanic panic. Every time lazy cops or desperate journalists tried to link D&D to some local tragedy, interest in the game spiked nationwide in a sociological phenomenon known as, yeah, no shit. There was one time when they self-censored, scrubbing the words demon and devil from the monster manual.
And that was due, in part, to one man. JJ, what am I doing here? Well, no, not Tom Hanks, but we'll get to him.
William Dear did just as much to drive the 80s morality freak-out as did the squares from the 60 Minutes interview. He was a private investigator hired by the parents of Dallas Egbert, a 16-year-old Michigan State student who went missing for a few days in 1979. Acting on leads from local police and a campus newspaper, Dear popularized the sensational tale of a boy, driven mad by the ghosts and ghouls, planted in his brain by a powerful and reckless dungeon master, in the labyrinthian steam tunnels deep within the bowels of the university. In reality, Egbert had a good old-fashioned freak-out and ran away to a friend's house. But America preferred the whole spooky, scary brainwash story. A popular book about the fictional incident was published called, Mazes and Monsters. They even turned it into a movie starring a young Tom Hanks about the scourges of this terrifying game.
Game? Game.
It's a perfect storm of confusion, ignorance, fear, and a middling budget. They tried to make role-playing games sound evil and undesirable, which naturally just made them look rad as hell. After half a century of adventure, it's safe to say that D&D didn't create unattainable beauty standards for wear tigers, or summon a love crafty in horror, or drive Tom Hanks insane. The only epidemic D&D probably is responsible for is adult onset improv classes, and for that, it must be held accountable. Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like and subscribe, and let me know about any messed-up D&D sex stuff I should know about. Hell, go crazy with the head cannon. I want to hear about how many orcs your level 9 bard has crewed the pants off of. |
dropout | shopping_for_a_new_version_of_you | It's always spring. Time to do a little online shopping for a new spring look. Oh, maxi dresses.
Yeah, I could be this girl. Siobhan, girl, sister, this is you.
I look amazing. And tan. You are tan. Girls who wear flowy maxi dresses always have the most enviable golden brown tan in a non-aging way.
By day you're soaking up the sun and by night you're illuminated by globe string lights. Oh, I love being around those lights. In this dress you're just a cool breezy gal who doesn't get stressed out about people not following the order before you find a table rule at counter-service restaurants. You're too busy swinging on hammocks at nighttime garden parties.
I love that meme. Yeah, alright, not so far sun goddess. Look over here. Well, that's kind of a cool look too though. Yeah, you think?
Why hang out in chiffon with weird hammock marks on your arse when you could be a walking Oh, man, I do love the idea of being the kind of girl who wears a $500 t-shirt just because. Yeah, of course you do, you bad bitch. Ugh, this version of you likes drinking brown drinks and she never tries picking things up with her toes just to see if she can. I spend 93% of my time with my head thrown back in laughter. I have 40 leather jackets just waiting for you to wear to secret underground concerts. I'll tell you a secret. Oh. If you buy these space themed leggings you'll be the woman that everybody is jealous of.
I wake up early in the morning because I want to and I get mistaken for Kate Hudson like all of the time and I feel my most confident wearing a bikini sitting down. That's just who I am. I can't even imagine being confident in a bikini let alone sitting down in one. I own my own yet, I make my own yogurt, and I do yoga without farting. I love that each of these purchases would completely transform me as a person.
But I guess I have to decide which of the three of you me I want to be. What do you mean three of you?
How about being the kind of girl who eats sundaes for breakfast and strips for feminism? All it takes is just one pair of 50s sunglasses. My armpits smell like pine and I've been to six waterfalls. You buy a campfire mug and that could be you.
The ultimate girl to be is a French mega bitch. You buy this red lipstick and you will not care about anything. But every single care about you. Oh darling don't listen to them. Buy this pair of six inch heels and we'll live off cocaine and caviar for the rest of your life.
But I don't do drugs.
Yet. I have 40 leather jackets. Hold her about the jackets already. Alright, well I already have Beyonce tickets then. I can do all of the splits, especially the middle.
Okay well I don't wear a bra. Oh I never wear a bra. Who would wear a bra? Not me. Guess I really hate bras.
I know the choreography to Magic Mike's Pony Dance. I know Heath Ledger. He's dead.
Says you. This is Versace. Oh stop, this reinventing myself for spring is so exhausting. Maybe I should just buy a new shirt from J.Crew like all of us. Yeah alright. Hey does anybody want any string lights? Oh I'll take them. Happy spring. Thanks for watching. |
TheOnion | a_future_where_all_robots_have_penises_onion_talks_ep_5 | My company works on designing the kinds of robots that we hope to have in everybody's home in a few years' time. Now, the technology is there, but the biggest obstacle we face is people's discomfort with having robots in the home. We think we've overcome that with our newest design, a robot with completely realistic genitalia. Meet Wesley. He's not the first robot to simulate human genitalia, but he is the most affordable. His penis is made from rubber and colored pink like many human penises. We hope to have genital robots in 50% of American homes by 2018. Study after study tells us that people feel more comfortable around animals and objects with recognizable genitalia.
I'd like to wake Wesley up and show you a little bit of what he can do. He has full voice recognition and can perform thousands of helpful household chores. So let's start him up. Wesley, power on. Now, I'll give him a simple command.
Wesley, show your penis. As you can see, the penis is very resilient. You can touch it and it doesn't fall off. That's important for that realistic penis feel that we're trying to promote.
Thank you, Wesley. Now, Wesley, move over there. That's all right. Wesley is actually able to write himself. Stand up, Wesley. He just needs a little help with this one. Put him right here.
Turn left. Don't touch the robot.
Join me on my cross country odyssey as I make our forefathers proud, reveling in life, liberty, and the pursuit of pork. Do you really taste cooked pork? This stuff is fantastic. I'm a big salt fan. Pork. This is Porkin' Across America. |
cracked | how_not_to_get_away_with_sexual_harassment_with_nick_kocher | Okay, so new business or about old business or anything, you literally started the call with okay, so new business. We don't have any. Look, my cat's in the wind. Not even a greeting.
Yes, it's gross. Yeah. Russell, Big Russ, Taylor.
Boo.
How do you want to think of him? He's going to be joining us on the call today. He wants to check out the operations and what we're working on.
We don't have any. We don't do anything.
Then it'll be a quick meeting. Can we just get through it? He funds this whole thing. Sam, is that what you're wearing? No. Wait. Yes. He's asking because Russell is only investing in our unnamed not company because he wants to.
Boo.
You just look so... Well, you look great. Thanks. Is that a French fry in your pocket? Or maybe I'm just happy to see you. There's a French fry in your pocket.
Wait a sec. Ooh. That's the one. Ha! All taken care of.
Threw it in the garbage.
So how can we help you, big Russ? Well, Walter, I've been meaning to connect with you and Chris to go over some of these some numbers here. You've been nicknames without me? Guarding your work. What work?
I mean, I'm worried that Samantha is not being properly utilized. Uh huh. Well, we're still in the early stages of that whole thing. So there's not a... I disagree. Didn't say what yet. Samantha has so much potential, I'd just hate to see it get wasted. So don't watch us.
I know a thing or two about utilizing talent, positioning an employee in a position that's more in line with their, uh, positions, interests. Maybe we could arrange a meeting just Sam and I and an appetizer sampler and, oh, just the smell of fur in the air. I don't really like breaking up the team, big Russ. Well, sure, I respect that. You know, I just thought some restructuring might be necessary, some restructuring that might necessitate some more funding, perhaps. But if you don't want to break up the team, that's fine, I just won't take my funding elsewhere.
Maybe one little meeting. What do you think? Little Sammy? Little Sammy Sosa?
Oh, God, scratch that one. Yeah, we could go over some fun logo stuff. Right! Yeah! More like fun butt stuff. Oh, I'm excited! Okay, so, um, that's out there now, but...
Oh, no, I'm sick. Oh, sick.
It sounds like... Wait, wait a minute now. I guess you want to postpone that meetup. Anyway, I should probably go to, I gotta catch your latest chick. Hey, Beaure. What's going on? Everyone agreed? Let's all go right this second? Sure. But also, real quick, I just want to... Beaure, big ol' Russ.
Can you hear me? Uh, I can hear you, yeah.
Right. Yup.
Okay, bye. Oh, fuck. Roll call. Or anything. You literally started the call with, okay, so a new business.
We don't have any. Hey, look, my cat's in the window. Not even a greeting.
We... Hi, Henry. We... Yes, hi. Hello. Our investor is joining us for the meeting today.
How do you want to think of him? He's going to be joining us on the call today. He wants to check out the operations and what we're...
We don't have any. We don't do anything.
Then it'll be a quick meeting. Can we just get through it? He funds this whole thing. Sam, is that what you're wearing? No. Wait. Yes. He's asking because Russell is only investing in our unnamed not company because he wants to...
Fuck you. Boo.
You all remember Russ? Oh, actually, Walter, that's a big Russ, okay? Whoa. Big Russ, everyone. And hello, how did it do to you, Samantha?
You just look so good. Well, you look great. Thanks.
Is that a French fry in your pocket? Or maybe I'm just happy to see you. There's a French fry in your pocket.
That's the one. Ha! All taken care of. Threw it in the garbage.
So how can we help you, big Russ? Well, Walter, I've... Been meaning to connect with you and Chris. Super giant Russ.
To go over some of these... Some numbers here. You've been nicknames without me? Guarding your work. What work?
And I'm worried that Samantha... Will Sami... Oh, I like that. Is not being properly utilized. Uh-huh. Well, we're still in the early stages of that whole thing, so there's not a... I disagree. Didn't say what yet. Samantha has so much potential, I'd just hate to see it get wasted. So don't watch us!
I know a thing or two about utilizing talent, positioning an employee in a... A position that's more in line with their... Positions. Interests.
Maybe we could arrange a meeting just to Sam and I and an appetizer sampler and, oh, just the smell of fur in the air. I don't really like breaking up the team, big Russ. Well, sure, I respect that. You know, I just thought some restructuring might be necessary, some restructuring that might necessitate some more funding, perhaps. But if you don't want to break up the team, that's fine. I just won't take my fund announcement. Let's maybe one little meeting. What do you think?
Little Sami? Little Sami Sosa? Little Sambo?
Oh, God. Scratch that one. Yeah, we could go over some fun logo stuff. Yeah! More like fun butt stuff. Oh, I'm excited. Okay, so... Um, that's out there now, but...
Oh, no, I'm sick. Oh, sick.
It sounds like... Wait a minute now. I guess you want to postpone that meetup. Anyway, I should probably go to... I gotta catch your latest check. Hey, be gone.
Everyone agreed? Let's all go right this second? Sure. I agree. But also, real quick, I just want to...
Be a big ol' Russ. Can you hear me? Uh, I can hear you, yeah.
Right. Yup.
Okay, bye. Bye. Oh. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_senior_c_developer | You will learn how memory works by creating segfaults. That's a cool feature of C. Oh, man! Great! Can we start? The advantages over Java. Where should I start? Using Java? What? Is your company rich? Memory allocation. Hybrid inheritance. I mean, I think C is a real hero here. I don't really like C++. C sharp?
Yeah, a good driver will say, learning to fly is stupidly complicated because everything is done with a seidan. But if you ask a pilot, he'll simply laugh at you.
C++ is low level. Low level. For hardware programming. Low level.
In the other languages, where do you have pointers, structs, references, OOP, procedural, even types? And where do you have virtual constructors in other languages? You wouldn't understand. Structs.
You want a good knock-knock joke? Knock-knock. Race condition. Oh, no, no, no, no. Did you get it? The reference? Do you need pointers?
It's not an error, it's a segfault. That's a casuality. Memory leak. It is more difficult to create unsafe software in Java? Well, then where's the fun? Water leak.
What software is written in C? What software isn't written in C? Websites? We're talking about real software?
All platforms are built in it. How can it not be cross-platform?
Linker error. We need to see the compiler as enemy. Vehicle leak. The runtime error detection. The runtime error detection is the programmer's responsibility.
We don't need a package manager. We write everything ourselves. We do use Boost, though. I remember writing kernels and drivers when I started with C. What were you doing? Painting GUIs? You learned C in one night? People build applications. We build applications that let people build applications. My favorite book? 10 elegant ways to create a segfault. Let me show you how you would do it in C. |
dropout | a_political_ad_for_your_friend_who_doesn_t_vote | When you're choosing a candidate, you want a regular guy who's right there with you on the issues that matter. So this election day, pick your friend Spencer, who doesn't vote.
Yo, shit is fucked up out there. But also it's like, the whole system is rigged, so who gives a shit? It's like, wise up America, you're a slave. So just fuck it. Congress is like idiots. They're just sitting around jerking each other off. That's corruption.
School is just the place where society brainwashes you to be a good little soldier so you can high Hitler the flag. The army is like, costs so much money. If you just gave that money to everybody, that would be sweet.
In Canada, healthcare is like, free. Plus, they're all like, no war there. Canada is the dopest country.
I don't think like, God is like an old man in a white cloud with a beard.
I say we just fucking blow up the whole Jerusalem strip. Because then it's going to be like, yo dudes, what you going to fight over? Yo, I saw this Netflix documentary that's like, 9-11 truth. Dude, I think that shit's true.
Like, America is like, we're fucked up, right? But like, North Korea, that country is like, fucked up.
Financial crisis? How about this? They're all a bunch of crooks who they spend all day jerking each other off with their money. Like, fuck me. Fuck me in the ass with your money. That's capitalism.
My name's Spencer and I don't vote because that'd be like, contributing to the system. But you should vote for me because I know what's up. Like, I'm not like a sheep. Like, I get it. Paid for by the Friends of Spencer's Parents.
I swear it's not going to be a video of Benedict Cumberbatch and Patrick Stewart nude oil wrestling. It might be, but it's not. So just click on it and you can find out what it is. It's not going to be that, but you know, click it and you'll know. |
cracked | the_mummy_the_dark_universe_why_shared_universes_are_dumb_this_week_in_epcd | Hello, everyone. Welcome to the second episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion, and yeah, it looks like we're keeping that title. This is the unscripted show that will tell you about all the most important things happening in pop culture in a given week that have nothing to do with the president or politics. It's every week it'll be me and a rotating cast of people.
And could not find more friends. I am out of friends. I am joined once again by Maggie Mae Fish and Sorin Bui, and thanks again for joining me.
I promise this won't be a weekly thing. This is fun. We got to play some pretend video games.
It was all blue. I couldn't see anything on the screen. I could read some of your blue books.
Yeah. Oh, good. So we get a lot of good car value in there. Today we're going to be talking about The Mummy and the Dark Universe and that tedious gong show remake and the Snowpiercer TV show and a lot of other things. But first, let's get into this week in pop culture. I want to talk about technical porn this week. Oh, I know a lot about it. Oh, good.
Kurt Eichenwald, who is a pundit and a writer for Newsweek, Vanity Fair, MSNBC, sent out a tweet of a picture of a magazine he was holding and his computer was visible in the background. He had some intention with this picture that he wanted to send someone, and there was like it seemed like an anti-Semitic thing. It seemed very important, but it just doesn't matter anymore because people quickly noticed that if you zoom in on his computer, you can see that one of his open tabs was a Google search for B Chiku. B hyphen Chiku or Chiku. It's hardcore hentai. No reason to Google it. And he tweeted that and everyone saw it and they were like, fuck your magazine. You're looking at technical porn.
And he tweeted like a five tweet response explaining himself. And I'm going to read it in full here because I love it.
Sigh. OK, I'm a dumbass.
Believe it or not, my kids and I were trying to convince my wife that technical porn existed. I tried to find some to show her it was real, but I couldn't find any and ended up with this. My family reads my Twitter feed so they know it's true. Well, hentai, until then, I thought it was called manga, was on screen as part of a search to prove to my wife technical porn exists.
What difference would it make? Seriously, while I don't see the ideal, the appeal of cartoon porn, porn is a multi-billion dollar industry. People obviously look at it. There's so much to unpack with this.
It's I, to begin with, believe him. I think this is like a full blown old man mistake because like he's sighing and he's not, there was no hint of a cover up or like, oh, one of my kids did. He was like, yeah, this is a totally, I promise you, this is a normal excusable thing that could have happened to anyone. Here's why.
My family reads my Twitter so you know it's true. And I like that so much. I also liked it because there's a purity to it just being a stupid, embarrassing moment for someone and you don't need to have a side or an opinion on it. I can just enjoy it. Like there's always, anytime something goes viral on the internet, I have the fear now that another shoe is going to drop and I'm gonna find out why something is bad.
Like when Ken Bone came out and America fell in love with its new sweetheart, this silly, doofy, guess who character looking motherf***er. He comes out and everyone's like, I love Ken Bone. He's so pure and his name is Ken Bone.
And then within four hours, it's like, oh, he's into weird s*** on the internet. He's been in these terrible forums. And so I was, there's actually a term for this now. Pixelatedboat tweeted, this is back in June.
The whole internet loves milkshake duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes. Five seconds later, we regret to inform you the duck is racist. And so now milkshake duck is the catch all for something that we love that instantly, the other shoe drops and it's bad.
Right. Well, I feel like everyone is bad in some way. Yeah. If you look at anyone close enough, they're gonna have tentacle porn like on their computer. Certainly. Or something of the sort.
And in this case, the tentacle porn was the good part. This was the joy for me. And as soon as I was reading up on it, I turned to Soren and a long time Ryman, who was another employee here.
I was like, this is, he's just dumb and embarrassing, right? Because I'm never going to find out that like, oh, he stole the tentacle porn from a deaf kid. No, it's just, I will always have this thing. Right. He's not looking, that site isn't specifically like child tentacle porn, which is, it very well could have been. And then you'd be like, I just want to enjoy this one stupid moment. Right. Can't he just be a silly man that I laugh at for 24 hours? There are a lot of red flags in his apology or in his walk back of looking at tentacle porn that make me, because I want to believe also that this was all in this, if this is as honest a mistake as he's suggesting, which doesn't make a better story by any means. No. It's almost worse that he and his kids were looking up tentacle porn together. Right.
And they did it as a family. Guys, guys, kids. My kids and I were talking about tentacle porn and their mom was like, that's not a thing.
And we're like, we'll show you. Oh, we can't find any.
Let me just check this deep, deep website. Right. That's the other thing. This is a fucking novel. She's so deep.
Try to find some to show her it was real, but I couldn't find any, any. So right off the bat, he didn't Google tentacle porn.
Right. Because there, I mean, that's where it is. You can find it very easily. It's the first thing that would come up. Yeah.
And when you type a tentacle, it'll auto correct a porn. There's the fact that he's putting out there, that like smokescreen of, I don't even know what anime is. I thought this tentacle porn was called manga for a long time. Yeah, it's like, well, you know what manga is.
No. What? Yeah.
Don't pretend like you don't know, like, you don't know the glossary of terms around the Japanese anime that also dabbles in pornography. He also seems like he's trying to test the waters a little bit to see if he can be out about liking tentacle porn.
Look, I wasn't doing this. This is, this is a totally innocent mistake. That said, it would be pretty brave of me if I was.
Lots of people look at pornography. A lot of money in that industry.
So right. That's the weird thing to me is that he then goes on to defend porn, which is like, great. Defend it all day long. Everybody wants to say that. Then why are you defending yourself in the first place? If porn is in the self defensible, which, yeah, sure. There's no wrong. Yeah. The fact that he then feels he has to walk it back at all is very silly. Yeah.
And that's just pure silly, pure joy. I'm so happy it happened.
There's something about his walk back also that triggers in me this bully of like this childhood bully where he's so defensive about it that I know that's an immediate crack in his facade. And I'm like, oh, that's where I have to attack.
It's like, it was like reminisce on being a kid and having some child in your class who's like, I, my mom made me wear this dressage charm. She's the one who's into dressage.
And you're like, oh, you can like to destroy you. Were you a bully? I mean, we all were right. We all pushed kids in ditches. Oh boy. That's karate kid level bullying. You kind of do look like an 80s.
You know what we called it? Ditching. Yeah. That's what they were shouting. I remember now. It was hard to hear from solo down, but it makes sense. Funny guys.
May, what do you have for us this week? Alright, so I wanted to talk about, I didn't know this was a thing until yesterday. I was looking it up, reading all about it.
They're making Snowpiercer, the indie darling that did so well.
I did fine at the box office and to FX TV show. Yeah. For like series and series.
And have a bunch of people sign on for it. They got Debbie Diggs. He signed on.
I have a question. In the chronology of Snowpiercer, when does this take place? That's a great question. I think they said it took place. I don't know if this was the film or them, but it's like seven years after the initial. After. I think so. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Snowpiercer, the movie, there's been some kind of apocalypse and now everyone lives on this giant constantly moving train that pierces the snow, I suppose you'd say. And the trains are separated into, is it directly like poor and increasingly wealthy or is it like poor and then like here are the monsters. Well, at first it's poor and then it's the the train car where they make all the beetles into gel and then after that it's like it does get to more and more decadent like bacchanal as you go up but it doesn't necessarily mean richer and richer.
Yeah. Like there's just sort of everyone above there is sort of just this kind of crossover because they go through like a school for kids and stuff like that. Oh yeah. And there's a lot of cool stuff along the way and they gave a whole compartment to a sushi restaurant. Well that's an aquarium. It's an aquarium where you could just pick whatever you want and eat it. Yeah.
It's a it's a weird movie. It's really I enjoyed it a whole lot.
It's Chris Evans just like marching through this train and you get to just see like it's clearly a writer-director who's like let me build a world that's like this. Like here they have access for hands, little like metal helmets and here it's school. I'm out of ideas. It's not even Chris Evans moving through a train. It's Chris Evans moving through like a bunch of different movies. Like each train car seems to be like its own genre.
It's really strange. Yeah. Well to me that's a weird thing about choosing to make it into a TV show because it was such like a it was a whole story arc like there was a clear goal like a clue there is clearly accomplished like I I don't know what they're gonna pull from it besides like wasn't that a cool movie that everybody saw? Let's make it into a TV show for like a season. Right we're gonna get into spoiler territory. I mean this movie is bonkers.
Chris Evans gets to the end of the train. Ed Harris is in there. He's in there alone in the car and the train is powered by children. He has to kidnap a child and put it in the engine of the train and the tiny hands are good at working the buttons.
It's not clear.
Kid goes up and dies or like loses hands and Chris Evans and Ed Harris is like beautiful isn't it? Chris Evans is like no and then they they end the train like the the the world stops and then the movie's over and now they're making a TV show. The last part is everybody's dead except for this woman in maybe her late 20s early 30s and a child and those are only two people that are left and there there's a looming polar bear near them.
I'm sure you'll be fine out there.
One of the execs at FX was like there's a lot that we like want to explore about this world and stuff and I was like what what is left? What is it else to explore?
Right. Besides they you know Alaska I assume they're in Alaska I don't know. That's what it looks like yeah because everything's become a snowy wasteland.
That it is it's either the movie is either a bunch of people just living in a snowy wasteland it's like alive the movie or or else they're gonna go back in time to just people in the train right and then we've already seen all the ports of the train that's not a big world. Well I think one of the reasons that I definitely wanted you to talk about this is one of the complaints that we got in the last episode is that we all agreed with each other on absolutely every single point and as soon as you you pitched this you were like hey Snowpiercer they're making that a TV show but should they? Wasn't the movie just kind of okay? I'm very excited about making this TV show just because I think if you just take the spirit of that movie which is everything's f***ed and there are a bunch of different worlds now I think that's what they're gonna do I think they're gonna do sort of like a Star Trek vibe for it with it where you've got our main character who's just going into different like shows different movies essentially and now it's like oh yeah this is the the snow part of the planet this is the mafia part of the planet this is the the yeah the tree monsters or whatever I guess to me that just like it's like a thin on story like sick I'm like cool things to do like cool visuals you know great casting the guy who's directing directing it he did what did he do he hasn't done a ton of stuff but the stuff he's done is like pretty good I can't remember what it was Josh freedom freedom but yeah story what is it gonna be I don't know get to the end of the train again here are those people that tried to leave the train yeah a long time ago that got out like 20 paces from the train never did once in a while the train goes past them and you just see the frozen bodies are dead could be them it could be that could maybe I'll get some answers as far as like why that guy the bad guys show up with the machetes one of them cuts open a bass and then he's like that's what I'm gonna do to you I don't know why he does it he just like cuts a sturgeon with his knife and is like see that and we're all supposed to be like yeah I get it yeah look how sharp it is yeah like fish sharp good for bone I don't know what like what I'm compared to a fish but sure I'm sure that would cut me yeah I will grant that my story pitch guy walks around and looks at different things you're right probably kind of thin but I'm just brainstorming now and I'm trying to get a job on that show but yeah that's the snowpears a show soaring yeah you have something else that's pretty tedious and this is gonna be yeah I've got a new show coming up no so the remaking the gong show finally yeah it's it's so weird I don't know if you guys have ever seen the old gong show I have not in preparation for this I watched some of the old gong show and I just need to like color the palette for you first the original gong show is is crazy okay the original gong show was the color yeah to taste it okay so right go ahead I'm already so they're totally normal things it was a it was like a talent show basically where you people with dubious or good talents would come on the show and it was all kind of bananas because they would offer like the prize money was some weird sum of like seven hundred and fourteen dollars and thirty seven cents if you want that's like the amount of gas it would take to get to like breathing to film and then if the and they'd have celebrity guests on who come they'd hit a gong if things were not going poor they're like going poorly it's like Showtime at the Apollo but instead of a boo everybody hits a gong okay the celebrity judges hit a gong if they liked it they stick to the entire performance of whatever this person is doing then they get rated on one to ten and the winners get that weird sum of money and then the losers throughout like the week they picked one show that was the absolute worst and they will get they got like five hundred and fourteen dollars and thirty seven five hundred sixteen dollars and thirty two cents and they get a dirty tube sock and none of this is ever explained if the when one person would win it was customary that the the host Chuck Barris who also created the show would say that they won and then a midget would come out on stage throwing confetti and and it was just like it was there was no cohesion to it at all and it was very strange no they can't so they're recreating this show ABC is doing it now it was originally NBC and the host of it is a guy named Tommy Maitland and I just want to tell you a few things about Tommy Maitland he was born July 7th 1944 in a borough of Brent he joined the British Army at 15 his father was an actuary and his mom was in the RAF he was on a couple of different shows one of them was the Lord Mayor the other one was who's he what's and he had a brief role on carry-on does that film franchise that we all know if you don't remember any of this that's fine because it's all completely made up and doesn't need doesn't need to be there at all it's all completely fictitious backstory because that's good for me because I I trade in having a good memory for pop culture sitting here like like and I just scream in my head like stupid stupid and because it's Mike Myers Mike Myers is the host but everyone is for some reason pretending that it's not Mike Myers okay on any of the the promotional material for this show he is not mentioned at all it's all they're just creating this world of this guy named Tommy Maitland for reasons I cannot fathom I'm trying to be in on the joke and I just don't get it because you can easily have you could easily have Mike Myers just host this show right it would be fine if you're gonna re-bring back a show like the pyramid or Family Feud you can do that they've already proven that you can do that you just put a host a host that's a celebrity in there and it will do well but now they've made up this fictitious British celebrity who's like passed his prime and come out of retirement to do this and it's Mike Myers in enough makeup that he can't move properly he looks like Batman in his cowl like no he can't like turn his head all the way or make any sort of facial expressions and it's bizarre and ABC I think is hoping that no one notices so they at some point blow everybody's minds that this is Mike Myers and the thing of it is the second it was announced everyone on the internet was like this is my Myers yeah that's my Myers absolutely my mind and so ABC has done a bunch of articles about it on their site ABC go or whatever it is and it's all like yeah we've got this great host and they tell you this whole Wikipedia story basically and then he does he's done interviews with like the Hollywood reporter stuff doesn't do him as Mike Myers does them over the phone as Tommy Maitland I don't know what the joke is anymore because the whole backstory is designed to only be feasible it's exactly boring enough that someone would believe it so there's no joke there right there's only the perception like we're only building this character for some undiscernable reason that everybody knows it's not a real person right it's just Mike Myers wants you to see the work that he put into this I think like is it carry on a believable franchise for like a British comedian yeah you really had me going there I really thought a movie called carry on might have existed yeah I can't wait to watch your show they call it the carry on movies so I carry on films so I don't there's just no good reason for it but it made me start to realize that this has been Mike Myers entire career that he is for a long time he staked his claim on finding really niche things that niche it's finding really niche things it's a niche actual yeah for these Nietzsche things that he built his career around like Wayne's world was deep access cable and Simon that old SNL sketch where he's in the bathtub and he's a little kid oh yeah who's does drawings yeah that's based on these old BBC shows that were just terrible time fillers for kids and in the in fact at the beginning of each one of those they do like this little promo code for BBC and then it says the commentator says I hope you enjoyed who's a cheeky chappy and now boys and girls it's time to visit our little friend Simon and Simon's often says like oh you look at my bum you're a cheeky monkey like that kind of thing there's catchphrases in this new gong show that he's there from Simon what yeah so he's got catchphrases one of them is we're just here for the funsies I think that's how he signs off every show one of the another one is who's a cheeky monkey and then the audience goes you are and he goes no you're a cheeky monkey and that's why I love you I mean not with the same severity and I'll always level even if your mother and I can't work this out you're a cheeky monkey and then his other catchphrase is you've got no proof woven in it's so I saw the the clip it's so infuriating that the audience has to play along like it's not it's not like it's not like the guy Alanis Morris said blew in that movie theater Dave cool yeah it's not like he is hosting a show right now and he goes hey everyone have a good time remember cut and they answer it out yeah that's a catchphrase that we've we are all familiar with and we've all agreed upon this they need to add this pretense where he comes where some the warm-up comic comes out it was like you're very familiar with this guy so you're excited when you see him and just let me teach you his famous catchphrase right now so you know what to say crazy you can't just like enjoy this stupid fucking talent show they have to give the entire audience the back story of who this guy is because that catchphrase you've got no proof is based on a fictitious story that he had previously done where he a show and a biography that he had written called you've got no proof and then a second biography called you still don't have any proof and it's dependent on you knowing that that exists for that joke to make any sense too much homework for America's Got Talent they've got very deep that's and that's the thing that's that the Gong show had a good idea talent show that is a mix of talent and like parade of freaks yeah they made a mistake by putting too many hats on too many hats and like let's also have a little person throw confetti and let's also make the prize money insignificant and specific and let's also throw in tube socks America's Got Talent was like we're gonna take the good part of this right and we're you can keep the gong and the bull yeah and now the new gong show is like well that's a we got a bunch of things coming up in pop culture that are gonna be pretty bad yeah that premieres June 22nd by the way I can't wait oh let's have a party let's have a party all right that was this week in pop culture headlines let's get into the main story the mummy is out the weekend that we're filming this the mummy movie the non Brendan Fraser rock mummy movie with Tom Cruise that is aiming to kickstart the new dark universe interconnected world now for anyone doesn't know an interconnected world is something like the Marvel Cinematic Universe where you get a bunch of standalone superhero movies and then they all come together in the Avengers and then they're just in each other's movies forever DC is doing that and now the dark universe aims to do that with monsters which is they're claiming it's a return to original monster franchises which started this idea because it was all the same actors who are contracted to be monsters and werewolves and Frankenstein's that's you're not going back to pure roots you're doing this cuz Marvel did it and they're successful yeah that was because of the studio system and they would hire actors to be in their house yeah because they're starting with mummy they have a new logo that will air before the mummy movie and like some score by Danny Elfman so they're they're really going for it right now like there's there's a dark universe logo that comes out and I stress that because years ago they like shadow flirted with the idea of doing this when they're making the Benicio del Toro Wolfman movie and Dracula untold they made Dracula untold thinking this could be a standalone Dracula movie or it could be like a trilogy or it could be part of our cinematic universe and that movie came out and it was dog so they were like we were never we also I mean there was a fourth option and it's bad and we knew that was possible that's what saying this could be a relationship or we could have some other people into the mix yeah but now they have a logo and like score and like they've got actors attached to most of these movies they're really there's not a lot of room to turn back now they've got Javier Bardem is gonna be in the Frankenstein franchise that potato-faced Russell Crowe is dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde oh they want Angelina Jolie for bride of Frankenstein which a movie already has a release date but not an actress that's insignificant it doesn't matter who the actress is Johnny Depp is the Invisible Man and they're flirting with the idea of Quasimodo who wasn't a monster just a sad yeah but he looks bad I get it and the Phantom of the Opera so they would we would get movies for all of those monsters plus probably more and then some kind of team-up thing very rude to call Quasimodo a monster yes it's also rude to us as audiences to make us see these things I have a lot of things I want to throw you guys well I'm already pissed off good good stay pissed one one thing in a general like I'm exhausted all the time level is why does everything have to be an extended universe I'm a marvel did it well and it made sense because it was comics and they're they're pulling from this whole world where superhero 7 hanging out together for decades and decades and decades and that isn't necessarily a formula that needs to be or can be repeated by everyone to Iron Man's superhero Superman Captain America's superhero Hulk is a superhero then there's a big threat they all team up and they fight the thing I don't I guess the mummy has to win in this mummy movie has to kill Tom Cruise so it can team up with the other monsters like every movie has to be like oh we kind of like Dracula by the end and we kind of like Frankenstein's monster I guess and I kind of like Quasimodo unless Sophia makes him the mummy unless like she passes the mummy curse on to him you know how curses don't work and then he becomes the mummy in the future otherwise it's got to be a bunch of heroes losing to monsters so the monsters can survive and join up right or the the big team up movie is like hey I'm Tom Cruise I beat the mummy like oh oh cool I'm Patrick I slay the Frankenstein monster it's not even let's hang out it's not even like alien and predator which are is a combination yes where there's enough aliens and enough predators that you can kill a few of them along the way and have some victories for the humans like these there's one Dracula there's one Frankenstein you can't have the hero win those movies and still have that characteristic right so either the hero has to lose every one of these movies or they have to do what they try to do with Dracula untold which is make you kind of like him and understand him by the end of it then what's the conflict right from like a studio perspective it makes sense to make it into a universe because it's like well you see the mummy then you're gonna feel obligated to see the next and they can just keep going and going going but from like a story perspective yeah it makes absolutely doc sense yeah and there's a lot of assumptions there because you're saying if you see the mummy movie you'll feel obligated well there's two things that might not be true there and I mean might be under no obligation to right like even if they say stay tuned for after the credits and we're gonna show you something from Frank's I'm like I'm actually I'm also pissed off because they've already done a combination movie that's perfect with all these monsters and it's called monster squad I knew we were gonna get here I knew we were gonna get here I'm so excited I had it written down and I'm glad I didn't have to say it monster squad is awesome it was it's a movie from the 80s where there are these young kids who have started a gang of monster detectives basically and then they encounter actual monsters and this amulet is the MacGuffin of the whole thing and they the Swamp Thing is there Frankenstein is there mummy Dracula wolfman and it's wonderful and like the way that the kids are handling these these monsters these are the monsters from the old films so they're like quintessentially kind of campy and weird is it in the universe really like they've seen the movie so they like yeah yeah they know everything yeah it's written by Shane black who did yeah last action hero kiss kiss bang bang on your man so you watch them trying to figure out what they're supposed to do to like beat each one of them they know they're supposed to make steaks for these vampires and stuff but like then they're fighting the wolfman and they're like kick him in the NARS he's like do wolfman have NARS like trying to like have this debate on the anatomy of a wolf man in the middle of a fight and it's really cute and adorable it's like a good ease but with monsters and it's wonderful well point counter point there's also a like teen girl show called monster high where all the monsters are like female versions of these so it's like a wolf girl and whatever and it's just like a great story about friends coming together and working on problems they happen to be monsters and they're like what's in style I don't know anyways let's talk about friendship so I guess the shared universe can work but I'm not optimistic yeah not as a horror movies no each one of them be a horror movie and then be like and now we're gonna do one big horror movie with all of them right and there's like as a they have joint goals no nothing that they all want together and one of the stepping stones that I know I need to jump on to get to this shared universe final boss movie is a Johnny Depp invisible man movie that there's no way it's not tedious we're not seeing like a hat and a monocle and a scarf and then like nobody and it's just like floating around like something Johnny Depp would say whatever he's picked like bono or like whatever musical star he thinks this character is gonna be I'm gonna be the edge for this just him prancing around like the edge yeah not to be confused with the dark universe the universe about monsters they're doing a universe called monster universe which is the Godzilla that we already saw and the Kong from Skull Island that we already saw and I guess some other big monster monsters and they're hanging out in their friends when you say other big monsters could you elaborate on what other big monsters there are Cloverfield I mean no he's not part of this cuz JJ Abrams has already made like a separate all-encompassing Cloverfield universe and that's gonna keep going nope it'll never be too much I've got Godzilla in King Kong those feel like yeah those are easy for me to know I love Godzilla and I love like Godzilla lore and like but King King Kong I've never gotten into I don't want to see in the same movie we also what happened was yeah Godzilla in the the current Godzilla cannon the one with Bryan Cranston and Aaron Taylor Johnson he shows up in response to a threat like we accidentally awaken this moth monster yeah author probably yeah and Godzilla shows up kills the out of it and then looks at Aaron Taylor Johnson is like that and then like goes away like he does the respect head nod and he goes away and Aaron Taylor Johnson's like we're not so different you and I and in Kong Skull Island the the big King Kong murders the scary monsters who are there he also protects the people and then like goes and you know does his what's up head nod to John C Riley and they're both heroes now so the interconnected monster movie needs to be them somehow working together hanging out to fight a larger monster that we haven't heard of right it's not just them like that's the thing is it has to be them and then like a third mom twister from twister like it's the perfect storm it's also there like now you have to have natural disasters because I can't think of any other sentient giant monsters yeah I do want to correct you because I know the commenters are gonna jump on this twister was actually the doctor's name oh I'm sorry yeah that's right you're actually right yeah great twisters chasing him across the ice yeah so we've got all these this is a game that I wanted to try I mean that's a rough approximation of what a normal person sounds like when they're sad it's gonna seem like a counterintuitive game because we just spent all this time talking about why shared universes shouldn't exist but I wanted to bring this to you guys to see if there are any what movies that currently exist do you wish were in the same universe because they make them better or would lead to something interesting obviously I prepared these questions so I have answers so I can go first while you guys think I want to combine most apocalypse movies like I want Mad Max Fury Road and demolition man to take place in the same universe because I'm very excited about the idea of Mad Max escaping from there and then like stumbling on this thriving utopic metropolis where they're just like oh no we don't have any gasoline for you all of our cars are electric and like we don't swear here so I hope that's okay like that's fine they're like they were drinking my blood in the other place and you guys have Taco Bells here it's just the idea that if you walk long enough you will intersect with every different apocalypse because the world ended and global communication completely shut down so some places are zombies some places are demolition man some places are Mad Max that's great and yeah it makes total sense because yeah geographically you do can't travel around it's like being sent back to the Stone Age right you live within a 30 mile radius and that's it if that right and there are some places where it's like oh we we have electric guitars that shoot fire and then they get to China it's like no we took about a week where we panicked then we mostly recovered it's mostly still China it's like basically modern China like and you know what's that movie oh it was the accuracy like oh yeah we have everything it's just I mean there's a label there's a children of men scenario happening somewhere right so as you travel from city to city eventually you need to you have a list of things where you get there and you're like okay just let me ask you some questions would do you see shells when you because I don't want to be here if that's okay you don't that's great okay I don't want to offend anyone because they do I don't all right I don't want that's like children of men when Mad Max and Clive Owen me it's like oh we can't we can't make children anymore oh that is not our problem ours is it's just this one guy who's making all of them that's the main thing they're all the other all pasty white powders and they're just getting worse that's good I think that if I was to make one it wouldn't have nearly the same high stakes but if I could combine all the kids sports movies where they get into the big leagues because you're a bully you're a bully sure every sports movie there is especially the baseball ones if I can combine all the baseball universes so that major league takes place in the same universe as little big league as rookie of the year as angels in the outfield because suddenly baseball is very interesting the only way that you ever win in these games is through these really crazy tactics either you have spirits that are playing on your team with you or you you all of your moves like it's only the hidden ball trick like yeah you only win by shenanigans and if that's what happens every single year and to get getting the pennant is just this arduous slog where you got to play a team with a dog yeah play against this other team and like you're the you're the Yankees or the Cubs or some other dominant sports team and you're just like I don't get it we show up and we practice and we're we picked a good team and we follow the fundamentals and we're losing to this dog and everyone hates us what did we do you have to one of the teams has a kid on it they can pitch 150 miles a hour we just like we're gonna play a full series against this kid so you can't pitch every single game those will be the games that you win they trying to moneyball the situation with against actual angels that are catching fly balls how do you win how do you win that would be such a riveting season of baseball yeah we don't know what's gonna I hear Florida drafted a monster monster this year yeah yeah one team is just trying to stay pure and like trying to not be a group of misfits yeah people would die you have a really good team like Mike Trout's a great player everybody you've all forgotten about him yeah don't be putting him on their fantasy team because now you can have angels on your team right st. Louis they just got a gizmo from gremlins he's their new manager I mean it's tough he really only comes out for the night games but it's still really shows up he's there you know I like that a lot yeah I think yeah so all right my favorite movie is Robocop so in my you know best world to happen would be Robocop and Terminator I think we'd be thinking really they think they're on opposite sides the terminators may be coming back to probably back in time to like fix something on some timeline and the Robocop is there just like trying to keep the streets safe and they think they're on opposite teams until a large enemy shows up maybe a twister and they join forces and it would be just the best kick-ass action movie of all time right it's got everything that you want in a buddy cop pair up where they're at opposite sides first and then they they learn they're not so different you and I the only thing it lacks is a buddy cop is personality yeah like different personalities not like I'm here with this robot same oh no it's twister and Jaws yeah wow I could see that I like I really look forward to the fight between the two of them when they don't realize they're on the same team that feels like it would be very very fun you need like one plucky person for like you know conversation but right you need some like modernized short round or some or yeah some I don't know what's let's get 11 from stranger things oh yeah Millie Brown to just come up be like you're both good robots like wow we could learn a lot from this kid that's perfect cat I was just thinking like if I was gonna cast it who would I put in it and there's nobody better for that than Millie Brown oh that's so wonderful great I'm uh I'm also looking to get hired as a casting director like whatever like I'm just like throwing out some skills resume below post some comments yeah yeah we have some comment questions from Twitter at inside job writes what would be the breaking point for superhero movies being consistent box office draws look like and when do you think we'll reach that I really want that to be soon I think it'll be like 10 years I think recently Kevin Feige from the Marvel Cinematic Universe he's sort of their godfather was talking about James Gunn's set to do Guardians of Galaxy 3 and I think he's moving on to the next step of the Avengers and the quote was something like with what he's doing with Guardians and Avengers the plans I've seen lays out the next 10 years of this universe and I don't see them pumping the brakes on that anytime soon yeah so we've got a full decade of some version of the Marvel Universe whether they reboot No More Iron Man now it's Iron Heart and and a different Hulk whatever they're gonna do I feel like we're in for another decade of this yeah it's a lot I feel like these things like Evan flow but it's been a long time in this superhero upswing which I I don't I don't want to complain I mean I love superhero movies but I don't anymore like oh I would think that hot take I don't like superhero movies anymore I'm sure Gary in the galaxy is fine I haven't watched the most recent one but the other one was very good but man the Avengers movies are just so pasty and the pasty yeah like nothing to them and the DC ones like when they try to do with what they try to do with Batman vs Superman was really rough and I don't want those just tell me a finite story tell me a 90 or 120 minute story and I'll be psyched and I don't want it to just be build-ups her for a story that's gonna happen later that's where the peaks and the peaks and ebbs are gonna be like the good one-off films are still gonna perform well good movies is a good movie no matter what right here or not but when we're gonna have people are gonna get bored and they're gonna get bored filming and we're gonna have a lot of Batman vs Superman and then it's gonna take you have to delay the foundation and whatever yeah it's like what they're doing right now with the the every single one of those monster movies sounds like it's gonna be an English the Hulk yeah where it's like I don't know if this is gonna work like the thing we need because there are two things that would drastically shake up the universe in my opinion one of them is people stop going to these movies so there's no longer financial incentive to spend six hundred million dollars on a spider-man movie if that doesn't happen we are pretty reliant on high level creatives at Marvel to recognize that what they're putting out isn't as good as it could and should be and then they turn to shake things up and go smaller like I would be okay with ongoing superhero movies if we took more cues from Logan where it's like this is barely a superhero movie and yeah Wonder Woman where she's got superpowers but it's it's about women it's about wonders it's a world war movie it's it's yeah it's it's a war movie and she had to be magic in it like I'm excited about Black Panther that's Ryan Coogler we love him and it's just a world that is very new for this current MCU that we've been breathing for 16 years or however long it's been going on if Kevin Feig and Marvel is like you know what let's shake things up everything doesn't need to be the answer can't always be this movie has 67 superheroes in it can you believe that they just need to decide that they're they want to be more creatively fulfilled doing other things yeah as long as they have smart people at the head who will know ahead of time yeah when people are getting bored or something or they need to shake it I haven't so far and like it's ruined directors too it's right Joss Whedon does not like doing the Avengers yeah yeah I like him I like the things that he makes like the things that he writes but he's so bummed on this whole yes he's soured on it another question from Maddie Finney why hasn't cracked done any pieces on Rick and Morty thought that was odd yeah it's me so we we stick to shows that have like it's fun to find a show that or a movie that's terrible and find ways through their own plot holes to make them sound great and to like dig into what's interesting about like here's this piece that seems wrong and you're like why is that even in the movie as opposed to just being like look a fucking plot hole everybody yeah we like to dig into it and then think about well how does this thing make that whole universe better yeah I would argue that the Rick and Morty universe is perfect so what are we gonna say about it other than that it's easy and fun to be like this thing that you liked is secretly terrible or this thing that you thought sucked is secretly great if you pay attention to it this way it's really hard to like celebrate something it's just celebrate it yeah there's as a piece of well we're not happy when we're in the office we're quoting Rick and Morty and talking about the episodes and doing our various fan theories like pointing out the fun things but I can't I don't know I don't want to just get up in front of a camera and gush about a thing that I love it's also not there's no opportunity for us to be like hey man like what they create in this world with unity imagine this scenario because they've already played out the very best scenario with unity so like we just be doing the second version of that right we can't add anything to it we would just say it's if you're not watching it watch it and if you're watching it it's great right it's great I have a friend who writes on it that's why I can't talk about it cuz I feel like I'm just could could your friend get us yeah just put your resume below oh I do resume I'm not I'm not interested we've got one more comment Leo the guy what do you think about the new mummy and the whole Universal Monster franchise see above no I have a lot to say I think that's just about our time Maggie thanks for joining us can anyone find you on Twitter and where they can guess at Maggie ma ggie may ma a fish like the animal someone tweeted that at me like like the animal I do like the animal might have been just a command like the animal yeah I'm Soren you can find me on Twitter at S O R E N underscore LTD I'm a real hoot and I'm Daniel I'll be here next week and a week after that probably and I guess these two will you can find me at D O B underscore I NC use the hashtag EPCD if you want us to say anything to us and I won't check it until probably next Thursday when we're shooting this I'm working on my sign-off catchphrase yes it's I would say workshop it okay thanks again for joining me guys thanks see you next time hey everybody thank you so much for watching excessive pop culture discussion make sure you click the big C in the middle and you will subscribe click either the videos on the side of me and you can see those videos click that dumb YouTube bell and it'll tell you when we get new videos and make sure you follow these fine folks on Twitter and me as well and finally your dreams you hate that Bell |
SaturdayNightLive | close_encounter_cold_open_snl | Thank you all for coming. I am Dr. Pap with Seti, and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons with the Nsa. Now, you're all here because you've experienced a verified alien abduction. Yeah. you know, it was wild. One second, we're three friends on a camping trip, and the next, we're citizens of the Stars.
And, sir, before we begin, may I say something? I'm just realizing that I was wearing the same outfit last time I was here. I just want you to know I do have other clothes. noted.
Now, how were you all brought on board the craft? Well, we were hit with this warm, soft light, and then we materialized on the spaceship in front of these two glowing beings. And our clothes were gone, but we were wearing these comfy robes made of transparent light. And you, Miss Rafferty? well, different for me. I was by the lake, taking a whore bath. that's when you wash the pits and bits. And out of nowhere, I get sucked up by a giant vacuum cleaner hose. And I land on the ship, still pantsless, mind you, so my juicer and my dooser are on full control. And I see my old buddies, the gray aliens, with the big, dumb eyes, and it hits me. I've been on this spaceship more times than I've been to a dentist. I see. And once aboard the ship, what happened?
Well, the aliens, like, taught us a universal language. the closest word we have for it is love. Yeah, their language is like a soothing, beautiful sound. and I don't know if I could do it justice, but it's like a. I didn't do it justice, I don't think. All right, now this gets my goat, because these two are getting Asmr love tingles.
Meanwhile, down in Gen Pop, the Grays and I are doing our usual dance, you know? they're batting my knockers. they're staring down the barrel of my south mouth. I don't know, their heart wasn't in it. I saw one of them do this, like. I'm good, you know, you can have my turn. Anyway, that's when Todd here showed up. Todd, you left the beings made of light? I did, sir. Yeah, I got lost on the way to the bathroom. And how did they react when you walked into the room? like, middle schoolers meeting Taylor Swift. they just mobbed us over. I wonder what was the cause of the excitement? can I throw out a theory? these things, they're smooth down there. they're like a broken doorbell, you know? no dong.
And, you know, I'm wearing. I'm wearing my see-through robe.
So when they saw, you know, that I was packing a troll nose. I don't know. my troll nose, you know, they just went right for it. Yeah. my grumpy and my dumpy were old news. I mean, if they saw Todd's troll nose hanging there. I've never heard the term troll nose before. you must be hanging out at a different bowling alley than we even see. I'll ask that we all stop saying troll nose, please. during this or forever? during this.
Now, what was happening in the other area of the ship? Oh, they showed a single atom of something called Infinitum which can power the earth for thousands of years. Yeah, yeah, cut to where I am.
Todd's junk has whipped the grays into a frenzy. they got him stood up like. well, Todd. you mind? So they're taking turns checking under the hood. they're reaching up, they're coming. you know, they're, you know, they're sniffing at them. one guy, one guy, He tried to wear it like a hat, you know. he had it draped over his nose like a viking helmet. And then one of those lunatics grabbed onto this thing, tried to hoist himself up. I said, careful, buddy, last time I pulled on one that hard, cop changed his mind and did write me a ticket.
And just in case you're wondering, I did not become aroused. Any time I felt like I might, I just looked at Colleen here and I don't want to take care of her for me. that tracks, I feel more chubbies than diabetes.
Okay, and how were you all sent home? Oh, I went back to the smart aliens, and then they touched our heads to theirs and we were back on Earth. Yeah, and they gave me this. they wanted us to have it, to make our world better. I also got a farewell souvenir, courtesy of one of my gray pals, who bitch-slapped me out of an open hatch.
And then I fall 30 feet and I land face down with my ween hole in my bean hole, pointed right at Kim's face. Kim? who? Jeong Eun. the bastards dropped me in North Korea, but hey, not the worst place. I've been on all fours. I don't know. |
dropout | the_next_27_denzel_washington_movies_trailers | I Moved out here for the peace and quiet. Have a great day and love me, Vermont.
Okay Morning, give me bracelet. My dead mother gave me this bracelet. Just give me the bracelet What are you gonna do about it when someone does something someone has to do something?
Mr. Coffee you bring me latte to grandes who needs sugar? You're not just a barista They weren't random thugs you just took out the Russian Mafia's New England chapter now, it's war Denzel Washington is the percolator Then coming this Christmas, I just wanted to live peacefully in a small town. Merry Christmas to you. Hahaha. Oh, ho Somebody want a sign for this or this You're not just a parcel carrier How's the Royal Canadian Mountain you just took out the Rhode Island Then right after that, I just wanted to chill and own a laundromat Got that stain out Then I didn't want to get involved then I had to kill them They were Isis ISIL the small business owner I was a contestant on a reward They were CrossFit trainers, but he did now I fought on the moon shut You gotta kill people stuff from your day job And guns Denzel Washington is the team member In that one he's a surgeon Regular job the receptionist the wheeler training day. No dogs through mayonnaise her It's mayonnaise or a word who cares? We just wrote 26 movies in two hours. Not bad boys Once what's that dumpling place in Santa Monica? loving dumb loving dumpling starring Denzel Washington Easter 2034 |
cracked | did_you_know_die_hard_was_a_terrible_book | Hi, welcome to the very first episode of Katie's Book Club, where I read a story, watch the movie adaptation and definitively answer that ever-present question, was the movie better than the book? As always, it's me, your host, Katie.
To kick things off, I am starting with Roderick Thorpe's Nothing Last Forever, or, as most of us know it, Die Hard. Just to refresh your brains, Die Hard, the movie, is about John McLean, your average cop who finds himself at the wrong place at the wrong time when Hans Gruber and his gang of German thieves masquerade as terrorists and take over the Nakatomi Building on Christmas Eve in an attempt to steal $640 million in Barabonds. McLean, who's there visiting his estranged wife, manages to avoid being rounded up and, with the help of one good cop played by Carl Winslow, ultimately takes down Gruber by shooting him out a window on the top floor of the building. And yeah, other things happen too, but good gracious, it's hard to summarize a movie succinctly and I really need to catch my breath. At first glance, Nothing Lasts Forever has a lot in common with Die Hard. Most of the action sequences, for example, were taken directly from the book. The elevator shaft shenanigans, the barefoot broken glass, even the Beretta he straps to his back and uses to kill Gruber.
All of that was in there. However, there are several big differences, so let's start with what worked.
In the book, John McLean is actually Joe Leland, which, you know, kind of feels like a superfluous change. But hey, John McLean sounds a lot like John Wayne and I guess you can't really argue with that logic. I'm not sure if it was their logic, but if it was, you can't argue with it. Also in the book, Leland is an older, retired, grizzled detective. Look, I've got nothing against old people, but making McLean an average and every way protagonist was a totally smart change. McLean wasn't some seasoned, retired guy who'd seen it all.
He was actually, you know, kind of dumb. But that was important. He wasn't Schwarzenegger or Stallone or any of the other big movie heroes of the 80s. He was a refreshing change, a middle class everyman who is frequently wrong but still wins. He is the underdog.
He's you. He's me. We are John McLean. Yippee-ki-yay, Mom and Daddy.
In the movie, Gruber is a thief pretending to be a terrorist. But in Nothing Lasts Forever, he actually is a terrorist.
However, they aren't there to steal money. In the book, they're not at the Nakatomi Building, they are at the Klaxon Corporation, a shady oil company. Gruber and his gang are looking for documents that will publicly expose the Klaxon Corporation's corrupt dealings with a Chilean dictatorship and plan to dump the six million dollars in cash that they got from those dealings off the top of the building.
Which, fun fact, was the inspiration for all that paper we see flying through the air at the end of Die Hard. Books are great.
Look, I am all for interesting moral ambiguity, but like, not in my Die Hards. Making the bad guys more cut and dry was a totally smart change. And nothing lasts forever, the line between right and wrong is ambiguous. And while that does make for compelling literature, it's definitely a bit too convoluted for a 1988 summer blockbuster. Like, at the end of a movie, you want to leave saying, yay, the good guy won! Not, ha, there are no heroes, life is complicated and God is dead! The subplot running through all of Die Hard is John trying to get back together with his wife Holly.
But in the book, Leland is visiting his daughter Stephanie and, instead of being just an innocent bystander, turns out that young Stephanie was actually coked out and a key player in the Shady Klaxon deal. Oh, and spoiler alert, in the book, Stephanie falls toward death along with Gruber!
It was dope! Yeah, I'd say that's another good change.
After two hours and twelve minutes of almost non-stop action, Hollywood deserves its happy ending. It's a Christmas movie, for crying out loud. Hero wins back his wife is way better than Hero's coked out f*** daughter dies, but happy holidays! In Nothing Lasts Forever, Al definitely reads as a different character than the one we see in Die Hard. In the book, he is young and confident and doesn't carry all the baggage of his movie counterpart.
I shot a kid. He's still the only good cop on the ground that Leland can trust, however, in the book, he does something absolutely bananas. At the end of Die Hard, Al saves McClain by killing terrorist Carl. But at the end of Nothing Lasts Forever, when Carl shoots at Leland, Al saves him by shoving his jerk boss into the line of fire. That's right, he uses someone else, another cop as a human shield, which changes Al from a kind, hard-working good cop to a full-blown maniac. And when Leland looks at him shocked, Book Al just says, he died a hero.
Don't you forget it. I mean, c'mon, this would've been a perfect opportunity for Leland to say, no he didn't. He died hard. But hey, I wasn't around to write books back then, so here we are with yet another missed opportunity. Oh shoot, that would've been such a good name for this show.
The point is, I think Die Hard did itself a solid by leaving that part out. It's much cleaner to simply end the story believing that our heroes made the right choices and aren't, you know, hella bat shit crazy. Now, as much as we all love Die Hard, I would be remiss if I didn't talk about some of the changes that don't work.
In the book, Gruber and McClain don't come face-to-face till the very end, which checks out because if they had, one of them would have died. That's why it makes no goddamn sense that Die Hard added a scene where Hans meets McClain and pretends to be a hostage, while McClain pretends he doesn't know he's pretending to be a hostage? Why wouldn't either of them have just taken that golden opportunity to kill the other? Gruber could've shot McClain and McClain unnecessarily endangered the lives of everyone in and around the building.
Now, let's be clear, Alan Rickman is a god and I will challenge any of you to prove me wrong. And yeah, that scene is dope as fuck, but that doesn't mean it makes any sense from a storytelling standpoint.
Nothing Lasts Forever has like three female terrorists who die hards, none. And I feel like that change is kind of a mixed bag. I mean, sure, from a PC marketing standpoint, I understand that violence against women is unpalatable and obviously I support that. However, I couldn't help but bristle that they were totally taken out of the movie. I mean, c'mon, don't push us into a corner, a woman can be a bad guy too, and what kind of example is that? Think about all the little girls out there who grew up thinking that they can't be terrorists. It's rude. I would have loved to see some female terrorists is my point. Although I guess the book isn't really a friend to women either, it's pretty sexist. And while Leland does spend most of the book reluctant to kill women, he eventually snaps and describes shooting the bitch in the forehead right above the bridge of her nose. Yeah, I guess it'd be pretty hard to keep rooting for McLean after that. Probably best that Die Hard left that part out. But I maintain that at least some of the terrorists could have been women.
As I said earlier, in Nothing Lasts Forever, the line between right and wrong is ambiguous. That's the point of the story. But if, in Die Hard, McLean is fighting against a team of righteous renegades exposing corruption instead of a bunch of no-good, dirty thieves, would have been hard to root for him. If Al kills his boss so that McLean can live, he doesn't find redemption. And if the holly stand-in is a crook, wouldn't we, you know, kinda want her to die? Remember this was pre-Breaking Bad. Back then, we generally liked our stories to be black and white, with bad guys we could hate and good guys we could root for. It's harder to enjoy a shoot-em-up when the bad guy is Robin Hood. But if you remove all that moody moral ambiguity and only leave the action sequences, are you really doing the source material justice? In this case, our official answer is no. But thank God, because Die Hard is a f***ing great movie.
Well, that about does it for me here today on this very first episode of Katie's Book Club. I hope I have impressed you all with my smarts. Tune in next time for some other super-topical book movie combination. I guess it would have been helpful for me to decide that ahead of time before I shot this so that I could, like, you know, tell you and you could read ahead and stuff. Oh well, live and let learn or whatever. This was fun. Hey!
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SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_aunt_linda_on_the_latest_hit_movies_snl | Well, this has been a great season for hit movies. here with her own takes on the movies is her old friend, Aunt Linda. All right, Aunt Linda, long time no see.
Wow. hello, sass. someone's gotten some work done. I'm actually Colin. you haven't been here in a while. what have you been up to? Well, I'll tell you. Nosy O'donnell.
I got divorced. my husband finally got hearing aids. 10 minutes later, he was on a bus.
Oh My. God, well, I'm so sorry, but we're excited for you to give us the latest take on all the hit movies out there. Well, my pleasure. or should I say pain? Anyone else sit through that 90 minutes of Stanko called Barbie? I didn't get it. is she a doll that comes to life? it didn't make any sense.
And where are they, on the Moon? I mean, I don't think Barbie took place on the moon. yeah, and there was so much pink.
The only good thing that came out of it is I was reminded and take my pepto-bismol. Mark a Ferrari. save your speeches for women's livers.
I love wearing a bra. yeah, I don't know. it was a very popular movie. no, I don't know why. I'm that kid character. Ryan Gosling? more like Ryan Gosling. I think he just said his name. The same place. it's very hard to make fun of. Oh, okay. I'd give Barbie a couple of what in-laws and four to give. Yeah. next film I watched was also a big one. can you take a guess?
Oppenheimer? Bingo, bango, bamo. So you did not like Oppenheimer? Noppenheimer. directed by Christopher, No thanks. Why the heck would anyone make a microwave?
Okay. well, what else have you watched that confused you? Don't get smart, Tina and Amy. Well, you'll be happy to know I ventured into the land of television along with everybody else. Whatever happened to just watching movies in the theater? now everyone stays home eating grass gummies, watching movies on the Turlet. All right, so what have you been watching on Tv? Well, there was one show with a very misleading title. what was that?
The Bear. Harry doey gay man who has to raise his sister's kids.
Spoiler Alert, it's about a restaurant. Why is everyone in the kitchen so unorganized? Here's a novel idea. Hey, Chef, stop doing so many sit-ups in your Calvin Klingers and hire more people. Whoa, they're understaffed.
Rachel Ray would be rolling in her grave. Rachel Ray is very much alive. where did you come from? I've been here the whole time.
I give the bear one big fat what the fudge and 15, what's going on? All right, Linda, before you leave, there's gotta be one thing that you liked. not liked, loved. I laughed, I cried, I started again the minute it was finished. Oh my God, what was that? Paw Patrol. dog saving the world in uniforms? here's my alley and this film went straight up it. I got an idea. send the pups to shop vegetables over at the Bear. why is he so upset? he found a bunch of money in the tomato sauce. And what the heck is Kennerjee's? Aunt Linda, everyone. Thank you guys for your good update.
I'm Colin Joe. I'm Michael Cherry, The Knight. I'm Colin Joe. |
dropout | the_app_app | Like every 20-something, you've got a lot of ideas for apps. But just how brilliant is yours? Find out when you download the App App, available for your iPhone or Droid. An app that converts your text into voicemails.
No! The App App is the app for anyone who's ever said, I should totally make that app. An app that tells you when a specific bathroom is most likely to be empty. No! An inside joke generator. No!
An app that shows you what you'd look like in four months. An app that tells you how many calories your meal isn't.
It turns your pictures into movies! What does that mean? It's the fast, easy tool for those times you're convinced, oh my god, you've seriously just come up with the next Angry Birds. It's Flickr, but for videos. That's Vimeo! Okay, it's Instagram, but it makes your photos look old. That's still Instagram!
Switch settings, and the App App will tell you how many millions of dollars your app idea is going to make you. An app that shows you what you'd look like with a fedora on.
Zero! A dating app just for people with freckles. Zero! A funny cat purr translator. No!
An app that lets you compare your belly button with your friends. That makes commercials louder. A better I-Fart.
It crashes your phone. That's it.
No, no! Shut up! No!
Yelp for your dog! That's not that bad! Really? Which is why it already exists! Idiot! Download the App App today, because most app ideas suck. Not this one though, right? Right? |
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