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TheBetootaAdvocate | Have_you_ever_been_left_behind_at_a_video_store_Liam_Hemsworth_has | Do you have any memories of like going to the video store and like discovering films that you love? Yeah, like the first place I was allowed to go to by myself was Blockbuster and I could take my scooter and I could pick a movie and I felt very grown up. And I remember picking up my girl thinking that it would be like a film for children.
So sad. And then my mom comes home and I'm just like, he doesn't have his glasses. Like I was screwed for weeks. It was really, really bad.
Is it video 10,000 of that place? Getting five for five, five weekly rentals for $5. What a great combat. And it was like, you'd literally spend five hours in there too. My parents would say, oh my God, hurry up.
What about this, you know? Is it Kickboxer? Is it Total Recall? Is it Point Break?
Three Ninjas. It was all just like this kind of crazy action adventure films that me and my brothers would then run out in the backyard and kind of replicate. My brother actually got left in a video store once.
Really? I didn't tell this story, it's hilarious. So my mom, right, my mom, no, listen to this.
So my mom, my mom had him, he was in the back seat, asleep, it was like probably three or four. She pulls out the video store, leaves the car running, runs in, drops the videos off, quickly grabs the thing, jumps back into the car and drives home, gets home, walks inside and leaves him asleep in the car when he was asleep as he wakes up, gets a phone call and say hello. And they're like, yeah, Mr. Samsow, can we have your son here? And she's like, oh my God. Wait, did she drop off the kid and not the videos? No, I dropped the video off and Liam had gotten out of the car while she was doing that walk in and just, you know, got himself a pack of chips. So she turned up and he had like a pack of chips and some Maltesers and sitting on the video store bench and my mommy knocked off a few of those late piece.
Yeah, he needed toughening up. That was a test, that's a rite of passage. We actually did it to anyone when she first got here. Yeah, they had to leave me somewhere. You had to find a video store, wow, okay. No, you guys left me in the desert. Literally just, this is Sparta. |
dropout | crap_you_liked_an_old_instagram_post | Trapp, look at this. Hang on, I'm trying to solve this Rubik's Cube.
Oh, yeah, that'll do it. Great. What's up?
Oh, she looks nice. How do you know her? We've only got like one mutual friend, so I probably only know her in passing.
If I'm being completely honest, it is super creepy that I'm on her Instagram. I'm also like five years deep. Yeah, maybe you should be careful. Dude, I know. Like, my life would be over if I accidentally liked one of her pictures.
Can you imagine? It'd be like...
The fuck did you do? Fuck, fuck. I fucked up, I fucked up.
Unlike it, unlike it. No, if I like it, then I like it. That's like the scariest thing I could do.
Yes, we do. I know a guy. I think I know a guy.
Oh, shit, man. Shit.
Hello? Hello, is this the coyote? Yes, why?
I'm Caldwell's friend. We fucked up real bad, man. Grant accidentally liked a photo of a girl that he only met like once and doesn't even follow.
We're at the IAC building! That's 30 minutes away. I'll be there in 29. There's a lot of traffic.
I'm David Coyote. I solve problems. May I come in?
You must be trapped. Yeah. Which makes you Grant. Understand that time is a factor here, is that correct? If this girl sees the photo, your life is over. Yeah. You got a like on a gram.
On a cellular phone. May I see it? It's a shit show. Hand me the phone.
Is that necessary? It is completely necessary.
We need people to believe that your phone was stolen and that some joyride error was just having fun on your Instagram. I'm also going to have to post an embarrassing photo of you.
No, I'm not doing that. Grant, what are you doing? It's an invasion of privacy.
Well, you have two choices. You can do what I say and do it quickly, or you can figure it out on your own. Best of luck, gentlemen. No, wait, wait, wait. Just stop. I need you here.
For a truly believable story, we need a truly embarrassing photo. I think I just found it. I got into cosplay for a while. Now, change out of those clothes. They're filled with shame.
Do I also? Yeah.
Okay, and time for the last step. Write a long Facebook post about how someone stole your phone. This will make it all make sense. The key here is to come off real pathetic and sad. Pretty close I would change.
Looked away for a split second to dropped a full pizza on my crotch, but then you're good. Okay, posting. Wow. I'm already getting a lot of sympathy posts. Wow, you are.
I'm so sorry, Grant. Who would do this? Really grant a full pizza?
Get your life in order? It's working.
You're amazing, coyote. I really owe you one, coyote.
See you around, boys. Wow. Look at him go. What do you think he does during the day when he's not doing this? Puts grease in his hair. Oh, yeah.
I think that would take a lot of time. Hey, can you imagine if I just did it again right now? You're about to be crazy. |
dropout | hiding_in_the_world_s_worst_hedge_maze_the_schining_pt_6 | What are we gonna do? Trap's not insane!
And the rest of the hotel is full of psycho-sexual ghosts! Oh, yeah! Oh, the sex-gusts.
Hey, do you guys think if I have time- Your answer, Graff! Break your alley, Katie! I'm coming for you! Oh my god, he's coming! Let's hide in the maze! It's time to take your medicine!
Over there! The fun car! That's it! My car wasn't fun!
Everyone! Graff! Zach! Graff! Zach! And, you know, the whole cast!
We have to get out of here if he doesn't get us the cold will! It's pretty warm out here. Katie's always cold. We just gotta wear them out.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_73_guy_sebastian | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well here we are back at the Batutah Advocate radio show in downtown Batutah, Daru Street Baxter Boots studio and today's guest, as many of our guests, made a long, long trip to get here.
He's from Adelaide so technically that is our closest capital city. Yeah, our closest capital and really, I'm not sure how you got here, but it feels like angels brought you here Guy.
That's fair to say. I just had to lead with that. It was a while ago but you are a bit backward here.
This is the most cosmopolitan inland desert community in the whole country.
You guys are paving the way. And we're getting reruns of the first season of Australian Idol on a pasha. I would have sort of thought you guys are more Knowles-y fans though here in Batutah. Yeah, I mean that was an interesting kind of era and we'll talk about the very start of your career very briefly because you kind of got to lead with your own song and release a single with your own song and then Shannon Knowle just had to reclaim. Australian classic.
Well you know, he actually did Angels Brought Me Here as well. Oh did he? Oh yeah. He was in white suit, like did the whole, at that stage we had to have it ready to go for whoever won. So he recorded a version, I mean it much more suited me, that song, than Shannon. Has his version ever seen the light of day? I think it did at some point. We should look that up on YouTube.
One of those millions of CDs that were released, you know, because then there was the Divas and there was all the different... Young Divas. There's been a lot from Idol and X Factor and we've got a lot of content out of those shows.
It's been good. You were the first in this wave of, have you seen any change? Do you feel like you guys were just the guinea pigs? I think now people know what they're getting into.
I think that was probably the beauty of Idol, like literally I thought it was like a pilot so I didn't know if it was actually going to make it to a proper TV station. So many people watched that final episode. I know, it was like said, broke all sorts of records and we were on a bloody stretch Porsche going up like driving towards the Opera House and it was amazing. I mean it kind of divided the nation because I was the multicultural cluster of nationalities who represented, I guess, yeah that sort of urban crowd and then you had the country boy who was this sort of quintessential Aussie bloke. I don't know, there was this purity to it I think just because we really didn't know. Like I met John Howard and I was wearing these crappy brown trackies from Big W or something. Literally I didn't know we were meeting him and so there was all this stuff that happened and there was this real honesty and this authenticity to it and we were all in a house.
It was like Big Brother meets Idol and you know, Millsy was running amok. We all remember, everyone remembers obviously Millsy and his little flutter there. You need a Millsy I think in a show like that.
You need someone to keep it interesting and I was way too boring.
But you won the popular vote. You know what I mean? Like at the end of the day it was also honest. It was like, it was, there was no rigging.
No, well I think, you know what it is, if we're going to get deep for a second, I quit, I was at uni, I was doing medical radiation of all things. It's about as far away from music as you can, you know, like programming x-ray machines and you know, like it, I quit to become an artist. I thought, bugger I got to give it a go. Like we live once, I've got to at least try.
And so I recorded demos and I wrote some songs and recorded in my bedroom and then I did this cover. It's like a two-step sort of Craig David-y cover of Hello by Lionel Richie. So I had this little EP sampler thing and yeah, I took it around to all the labels and the common theme to all the comments and the rejection letters was that I didn't have the look and some, one label got quite like specific and they said, oh look, you need to lose weight and you, you know, you just don't have a look and your hair is not right and blah, blah, blah. And I was, I was a little fat kid with an Afro and I, and I didn't represent what at the time was the norm for a pop musician.
You needed a very, very fine chin strap. Exactly, exactly. But it was, it was sort of like you had your N'Sync's and Backstreet Boys and like Jessica Simpson's and, and so it was sort of this really polished thing.
And then suddenly here's this TV show where I was actually in line with my now wife, Jules, like we auditioned together and, and she, she didn't make the cut. She didn't get past the first audition. So you didn't meet there though, you both. No, no, we'd been together for, we actually were together for a couple of years and then she dumped me and then I got famous and then she wanted to get back together.
You had a second wind. That's pretty much how it happened and that's a short story. But, but you know what? I think I was in that line and I'm looking around and I'm, because I think I had that sort of rejection on my appearance, I was looking around going, that dude's really good looking and that chick's really good looking and I'm never going to win this. Like how am I going to win this? But you had the pipes.
But I think if you look at just the positive impact that it had on the industry, you look at people like Susan Boyle and all these sort of people that were kind of the anti-pop star, it gave them an opportunity to just literally go on what their gift was. And so I remember there was models in our year and, and suddenly you had to sing acapella on a stage. No one cared about what they looked like because when you just, when you're singing terribly, it's, you suddenly don't look as good.
You have one of the most exciting family trees I've seen. Born Malaysia, Tamil, Ceylonese, distant Portuguese, English, raised in Adelaide.
Yeah, exactly. It's a cluster, that's for sure.
Well, my mum's from India, but she's sort of white with blue eyes. So she's got a lot of English, Scottish sort of heritage and some Portuguese. And I think there is some Indian in there. Like she definitely doesn't look Indian, but speaks Indian and like speaks, she speaks Hindi and she, you know, she botched Bollywood stuff as we were going out and cooks a mean curry. And then my dad is from Malaysia and he's quite dark skinned. So he's Sri Lankan sort of background. And I think there's some Portuguese there as well because Sebastian apparently is Portuguese name, but just a massive mix of cultures and then, yeah, some nationalities.
And then my dad's a geologist, so he used to travel, you know, to oil rigs in Australia and then eventually went, you know, Bhagirat, I'm tired of being away from the family so much and let's move everyone to Australia and yeah, that was it. So basically growing up, all you really had was Kamal as the Malaysian pop star. He was literally my idol and he had a cracking business with Dilma, you know, killing it with tea.
So pretty much in Adelaide, what were you doing? How were you singing? What were you?
Well, I was in church when I was young, so I was in like church choirs and stuff. And that was insanely good for just developing my musicianship. In a church setting, at least in my church setting, you're on the microphones and a preacher might just flick to you and just go, guy, you know, lead us in something. And you've got to make a song up on the spot, like which relates to what he's just spoken about. So I had to actually listen to what he was saying, which was the hardest bit. And then secondly, it teaches you to just write music like on the spot and lead a congregation. But it's also, it's weird, it's very selfless way of singing. So you're singing and your whole focus is how do I get this congregation into a place where they can connect and be peaceful and be reflective. And then suddenly I'm in this world where it's about Guy Sebastian, you know, I'm an artist. And so it's just weird. I had to flick out of being a church singer into actually being an artist. And there's heaps of musicians sort of nowadays that have come up through the church.
You know, you've got people, you know, like... Gang of You. Oh, yeah. Bonsoho.
Like there's a lot Matt Corby going through. And they've all come out of the church.
What is it about that experience, do you think, which kind of gives people a springboard up into? Well, I mean, for example, on a technical level, like if you're singing at church, some, you know, sometimes you'll be singing like a tenor harmony for the whole service. And then later you might be like, depending on who you're singing with, then you'll sing an alto harmony or something. So on a technical level, you're actually... Pretty well trained. You're trained to do stuff. So then when it comes time to like being in a studio setting and you're singing your own backgrounds, you can do all the parts yourself and just keep layering. And to somebody who hasn't grown up trained like that, they look at singers from church and they go, what the hell? Like how long did it take you to sing like that and to learn how to do all of those? And that just comes into your head. But it's not a sort of like years of learning, but also in the gospel churches, especially in America, sometimes those services go for ages and they're like praying for people and stuff after and the band's still playing.
So the bass player will jump on drums, the drummer will get on guitar, they all just rotate. So they become multi-instrumentalists.
Yeah, it's incredible school for that. And if people aren't religious, I think choirs and all that sort of stuff, like to get your kids into that sort of stuff, it's so good for them because they just learn heaps. And also, you're not going to be given that platform as a 14-year-old to get on stage in front of a thousand people who are probably a nicer audience than you'd get at Battle of the Bands.
Yeah, exactly, exactly. And for me, that's the thing. It was actually every week, it was 3,000 people.
And then I was singing for this thing called Youth Alive, it's at the entertainment center. So I'm hanging backstage at the entertainment center in Adelaide and then doing these tours around the country. I toured Nashville, Franklin, like we were going all around the States, you know, I was a teenager.
And yeah, it's pretty good. So basically, if you ended up just, you know, being an x-ray tech, then, you know, it kind of would have been wasted. Wasted, completely wasted. I did half a year, eight months or so at Royal Adelaide Hospital. I was not built for it. I was, there's, yeah, not good.
Singing in the lab. Yeah, yeah, I was just singing to these patients that just wanted to get out of there.
But you also did pretty well to continue your artistry without probably going down potentially that sugar-hit cash cow of a couple of gospel albums, guys. You could have done that. One of those Destiny's Child girls did that, didn't she? Oh, Michelle, I think did it. And Bob Dylan too. Yeah, Elvis did a gospel. They all have a bit of it, Johnny Cowden. I might do one later on.
I think I just love original music, you know, I love, and you can obviously have original, like I look at some of the Hills songs, those songs are insane. They're like poems. They're just so poetic, like Brook Fraser, who is just a genius writer and so many of the other guys, they write some stunning songs and it's original.
And so, yeah, maybe down the line, I'll do something. But there is also enough of that, you know, and I think for me, I feel like I've managed to sort of carve out a career in the pop world and still be true to who I am.
You know, like I haven't, I've sat in rooms and I've been told that I need more naked girls and bikinis, and I've been told I need to swear in my songs and be more sexually suggestive. And literally, like I've been told, you're so boring, like you are so bland, you need more swearing and you need more... You just swear in your songs.
Yeah, yeah. Like, cause at the time, I remember... Bitch. But I sat in this room and it was probably the most nerve wracking meeting I've ever had because it was with the head of a very major label in America and we were in New York. And my manager was with me at the time and I sat there and he said that at the time they had that Cee Lo F.U. song out, right? He's just going like, look at what's number one at the moment. And you're presenting me with these songs that you've got no swearing in them, the film clips and blah, blah, blah.
And I just walked away thinking, well, I don't want it that much. Like, if I have to be someone I'm not, who cares? Like, I don't want to do it then.
Now I'll just do, if it's not going to work, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and I'll be a producer or I'll be a writer or whatever. It's the same as steering away from doing a full-blown Christian album as it is to doing a full-blown opposite of a Christian album. Yeah, exactly. Just doing you in the middle, yeah. Yeah, but I mean, there's been times when I've been in sessions or even just by myself.
Like, I'll write something and it's really kind of, it's like, it's really sexual or it's really, there's swearing in it or something. And I've just written, it's just been the first thing that's come out of my mouth and it's funny. Like, I'm thinking, oh, that's quite funny. That would be hilarious. And then I keep singing and I'm like, that sounds like actually a smash hit.
But so there's times when I've made a decision to even just go, oh, but it's not me and it doesn't fit with who I am. But anyway. And people have been following you on this journey and now you're just about to hit them with some sex stuff. Just change, the guy has changed it. It happens all too often.
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Now, onto the show. We'll move on to your second greatest love, which is cricket, of course.
Golf.
There's rumours that you were in the middle of like an indoor cricket premiership hot streak leading into Australian Idol. There's always been whispers around you being just like an absolute sicko for cricket. I do love cricket. I'm a bit obsessed with cricket.
I played grade when I was younger. Really? Yeah. So in Adelaide, I was a bit of both. And so I used to come in at about sort of second drop, second or third drop. And then I would open the bowling, believe it or not. I don't look like an opening bowler. With that afro, ooh yeah. I'm not that tall. But when I was younger, I was fairly nimble, like I was fairly quick.
As we all are. Yeah, as we all think we are. Think we were.
And so my little brother, right, he loves sport and he loves his cricket, too.
And he used to go, mate, I'd bowl about 130. And I said, mate, I can't get anywhere near 130. I said, do you know how fast that is? Like 130s, have you faced someone that's 130?
He's like, yeah, no, I would have. I would have.
I said, mate, like at the time, I had a friend, Andre Adams, and I remember going the nets with him and even just he bowls 130s to play for New Zealand and made it so fast. And then the difference between 130 and 140 is you think you're going to die. You feel every kilometer. And then you talk about 150.
You literally cannot see the ball. And you're scared for your life. It's actually life threatening.
And so I got this little speed gun and I said, all right, hold this. I'm going to bowl as fast as I possibly can. And I'm running in, steaming in. Putting everything on the line. Everything.
I couldn't crack 115. This is like 115, 120, could not crack it. Like that's the max of what I could get. And then Chris gets up and he's like struggling to crack 100, 110.
I said, there you go. That's my job. That's a good Big Brother moment to actually buy a speed gun just to, you know, like.
Just to put him down and make him feel small. Just to humiliate him.
Well, let's get to the bottom of this. No, no, no. Get up. Let's go.
You can bowl 130, can you? So let's talk about this current Australian cricket side. What are your thoughts? I mean, you know a few of the players. So you're probably not going to make too many suggestions. How much of the World Cup did you see?
A lot of it was in the wee hours. It was. But I've got KO. So I've been watching recast. But I actually stayed up. Yeah, I stayed up and watched quite a few games. Good to hear. To the end a lot of the time. But I didn't expect England to win. That's for sure. Especially at the start.
Well, they didn't win. Well, if you go back and examine what happened, they stole that. I don't think he should have had six. Like they stole New Zealand in the first place. If you misfield it.
And it goes for four. It's only four.
It doesn't matter how much you've run. I would classify that more as a misfield. And then they said that they won because they scored more boundaries. Yeah, that's weird. It's not T20. New Zealand took more wickets.
Yeah. Look, this was my watching of the World Cup final. I was in Harlem eating southern barbeque. You had to go find some West Indians? Yeah, exactly. Dude, I was at this bar. It was sick. There was live jazz band playing. And I was with Jools. It was the middle of the day in New York.
And they had all the Wimbledon. Every screen was a Wimbledon final.
And I had KO sports on my phone watching the World Cup, looking up between points of Federer and Djokovic. And then I'm watching the World Cup.
And Jools wasn't really interested. I'm going, babe, you have no idea.
Like, this is insane. Like, the chances of not going to a super over. Like, all the wickets are spent. They've run out on the last. I'm like, this doesn't happen. In a World Cup final too. It was insane.
Of all the games. Music's all right. Yeah, exactly.
But look, I thought it was great World Cup. It was just, I mean, massive redemption from England, you know. And Stokes was just the shining light in that team.
Did you ever try your hand at maybe tampering with the ball back in your grade days? Yeah. If you had to tamper a ball, guy, how would you tamper it?
Well, I guess there's not as many eyes. I don't think I've ever been in a club that hasn't somewhat tampered with the ball.
Everyone said that. Mike Whitney said that. Every single person we've had on here has said the same thing. Yeah.
I mean, it's just, it's very unfortunate. And it's obviously not great. It wasn't great for the sport.
But I think it was a good, a good lesson. And, but yeah, I mean, growing up, there was always something involved.
Cough lozenge.
Even if it was a simple, I mean, throwing the ball, like, and having it not go on the fold of the keeper, like, on purpose. And to me is sort of affecting the quality of the ball on purpose. And I liked it because I was a bowler. So it didn't swing a lot. I obviously wasn't as quick as these guys, but I would rely on swing. So it's always good for me if the ball was being scuffed up. Especially when you're bowling at 130 because that's right in the swing zone. As long as I wasn't facing my brother bowling 155 clicks an hour, it's all right.
Your brother in his heyday. Now, tell us, you've since kind of worked with a lot of people around the world. Lupe Fiasco is one.
John Mayher. I'm constantly worried I'm saying that wrong. It's Mayher. Mayher. John Mayher.
What was the first time you had that moment of, okay, I wasn't meant to meet this guy. How was this written? Or this girl? The first person I flipped out about was Brian McKnight.
And I know that's not a massive name for people. I don't even know if you guys know who he is, but he's an R&B singer.
And so for me, he was like a cricketer's Bradman. Like your hero. This guy was my hero. He dominated your Napster. Oh, man. I used to just copy every trick he would do vocally. And I was obsessed with him and he's an incredible musician.
And so I got to write with him. There was this session set up and the first day he sort of brushed me and he was playing basketball. And then the second day he came sort of halfway through the session. But I waited, I flew to LA to work with him. And I was like, I don't care. Like if he brushes me on the first day, it's all good.
I'm still rocking up the second day. Hanging out of the water cooler.
Yeah. And then he came and I sat there and I had, because I record all my ideas on my voice notes on my phone. And so I had some ideas and I said, oh, what about this and blah, blah. And he goes, yeah, yeah, man, that's cool. Let's develop it. And then he starts singing the melodies that I'd suggest. And I'm sitting there and I had it on my voice note. So I went to bed that night. We'd finished the song. It ended up on my album and it was a song called Wait and it's this ballad. And I just went to bed listening to these voice notes of him just singing melodies and me and him bouncing off each other. And I was like, what is happening with my life?
Had you not recorded it, you probably still wouldn't have believed it.
Yeah, exactly. But then I've got to like, dude, I met Oprah. I sung for Oprah twice. She had her arm around me like on stage up when she was in Australia. A billionaire. Yeah. That was when she was, she was rated the most influential person in the world. Yeah.
Cause she got Obama elected, did all that kind of stuff. Oh mate, her, her speech, like cause she, she had just a, the second time I performed, she, she rang up management just said, can we have guy perform for our private rap party? It was just her and the Harpo staff that had all flown to Australia. And she did this speech where literally she was just saying, you know, you might be in accounts or you might be a runner or whatever.
Like, this is what we've achieved while we've been here in Australia. And this, and she read all these stories of people who had been affected and like, like the people they'd helped and like, you know, sick people and people from, you know, that's your story. That is your story. It doesn't matter what you do in this organization. And I was like, you are the best speaker in the world. And so that was good.
And then I got to sit for a whole day, like bum to bum with Beyonce and, and it was on, on the X Factor. I had her on as my guest, Alicia Keys. I had Snoop. And then I've been in the studio with people like Usher and Robin Thicke and I've sung for the Pope, the Queen.
Like, geez, we're cranking it up from Brian McKnight. It's been insane.
And I used to think, right, when I was in Adelaide, I thought you've made it. If you sang at Carols by Candlelight at the Domain or something, I was like, if you do that gig, that's it. You're done. You've made it.
Yeah, I think singing for Oprah is pretty, pretty big. I never would have said, I mean, it's bigger than the Queen. Yeah, that was amazing. My favorite, I think my favorite all time moment was singing with Lupe at David Letterman. It's like a bucket list moment.
And the song went platinum in the US. And I mean, the difference between that is, so Battle Scars over here, like, like platinum 70,000. And I think over here it went nine times platinum or something in America. Platinum's a million.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so it's just such a huge difference. It was such an incredible thing to happen. And yeah, Lupe. Yeah. Wow.
Do you find the people you're, are you still working with the same people from the start or is that all changes with the sound or your album by album? No, I still, I'm still right. Like there's a friend of mine, Adam, who I worked with. He, he's up in the Blue Mountains now and we still hang and write music. I don't really, I don't know, I don't really have anyone that I don't work with.
Yeah.
So I'm, I love, I love collaborating. I love co-writing. I do write a lot on my own now. And then, so mainly my process now is, is I'll write a lot on my own and I'll develop the song sort of quarterly and melodically and lyrically. And then a lot of the times I'll get a producer either at the end of the process or I'll write with a producer, but I'll be sort of writing the song itself. And, and then other times I'm in a room with another top liner, they call them, you know, and so that you collaborate on the actual song and I love it.
You're always learning. So there's insane songwriters that come out of this country too. A lot of them move, end up moving to LA. But yeah, like you sit there and you just absorb how they do and how they say stuff. And yeah, it's incredible.
Is it true that there's no such thing as a bad meeting in LA? Everyone says that you walk out feel like you're about to make a million dollars every single time you sit down. That's why I think they're all bad meetings. I've lived in LA and it's not really like it wasn't the best place for me because I don't know. Like I think one like in one day it's normal for you to just do two meetings and the meetings go for hours and they're over a fancy meal or something. And then it takes you two hours to drive to the next one and then I'll do. And to me, it's like you've, you've just sat and talked like, and obviously great things can come out of meetings, but it's all vague.
I just want to be in a studio. Like I just want to be making music and having the product speak for itself.
And I think so many times over there I've been promised stuff and they go, Oh, we're going to make you massive. Man, you're a voice. You're great. You should be huge over here and you're blah, blah, blah.
And then, and then just no one, no one does anything. They don't follow up or they don't like, they lose passion very quickly over there.
Or they're just talking shit at the start. Or they're just talking. Yeah, yeah. They're just music people. Yeah.
So it's, it's an odd place. Whereas the thing I love about Australia is, is people, they generally mean what they say. Like, like if you're in a meeting and someone goes, like we just had a meeting for my foundation and we had all these ideas and there was stuff about indigenous communities and domestic violence in certain spaces. And, and we're actually coming up with actual ideas and then you get an immediate follow up and we're, we're super excited about stuff. And then I just know something will come of it. Yeah. Whereas over there it's like, I just don't know what's actually going to happen.
Tell us a little bit about the foundation because you've worked with a lot of charities over the years, you know, Red Cross, Ronald McDonald, 40 Hour Famine, and you've done a lot of stuff. Are you now channeling a lot of your energy into, into the Guy Sebastian Foundation or?
Yeah.
Look, Jules and I started the Sebastian Foundation about, I think it's about six or seven years ago now. And, and you know, our, we originally started out with quite a general sort of motto, which was families in need. And, and, and, you know, we went into hospitals, we put parent beds in, in a whole bunch of hospitals and we supported music therapy program. And, and then we would go into a whole bunch of projects in, in homeless shelters and things like that. But then we sort of found our nation, the domestic violence space, and that was largely led by Jules as well.
And, and, you know, cause we really do consider, especially the, you know, the mother or the woman as the backbone of the family. And when that's taken advantage of it, it's sort of the whole family crumbles and, and it's, you know, it's a massive problem. The statistics are pretty awful. You know, one in three women have experienced some sort of violence since the age of 16. There's one murder a week at the hands of a current or former partner and a week, like one a week.
It's insane. And, and, and it happens in, like Jules was sitting in this park with the kids and it was in like Rose Bay or something. And it was a really affluent neighborhood. And there was a grandma there and she was talking about how her daughter had, had just left an abusive relationship. And the guy's a big corporate high-flyer. Top end of town.
Like just bashing her. And so it's sort of, it does, it, there's no prejudice, you know, when it, when it comes to violence, it's just sort of seems like it, it's a massive problem everywhere.
And so we've been in about eight shelters now. We'll go in and make them spaces that are warm and welcoming and beautiful because there's just no funding. There's a very minimum amount of funding. But if a hot water system goes or if something happens, if there's any issues, it's just very hard. And often the volunteers are there or the staff are there and they're dipping in themselves and trying to make it a good space. So we started in a place in, I think it was in Glebe and then we did another like girls shelter in Leichhardt. We've done two kitchens in Manly where we went in. So we've got Freedom Kitchens on our board. We've got this landscaping company. So they're just like CEOs. So you're opening up shelters yourselves. No. So we're going into existing shelters and ones that have written to us or ones that have just said, look, we were struggling. We went into one where they literally couldn't use their kitchen anymore. And that obviously when there's mums and there's, you know, families that are living in there, they just need stuff like that. So we go in and just do the practical stuff that otherwise gets lost in the mix. And so we've redone kitchens, landscaping projects.
So there's one indigenous center that we went into where they reconnect mums who have come out of the prison system and stuff. They reconnecting with their kids. But all of their stuff happens around the central courtyard and it was all just dried dirt basically. So we went in, did a yarning circle and we did one shelter where it was a young girl shelter. We redid all the kitchen in this dining area. Then we did this little study nook for them. Then we did this outdoor counseling spot as well for them.
And they wrote back to us months later just saying, showing us how much their grades have improved. Just because it's given them this area to be proud of. We went and visited like six months later. It was immaculate. So they really loved it and they took pride in it.
And I don't know, it's just like those little things where these, a lot of these women, they're at a crossroads and they're sort of, you know, they're escaping multiple times. Trying to get out of this violent sort of scenario and they end up in a shelter.
And if it's gross. If it doesn't have a kitchen or a bathroom, you don't need that on top of everything. Exactly. Whereas if it's somewhere that says you're valued and you're loved and you know, it's so much easier for them to at least stay for a few nights and get help. So yeah, that's sort of what we do and we're really proud of it.
We do an event out in Parramatta. It was washed out last year. It was our first one. And we had this cracking show ready with all these amazing artists for a Christmas carols concert. Fire festival.
Literally the storm that rolled through was like the video footage of it. There was like restaurant furniture blowing across the streets. It was like a cyclone here.
So we had to cancel it. Like we sang about three or four songs and then we just had to call it. And it was heartbreaking.
But we're doing it again this year. And two days before the show, they were having meetings at council of like we've had we had 9000 RSVPs on Facebook and Domain get 18,000 and they've got 80,000 that lob up. So they were having meetings of how they like, what do we do? Because it's going to be too many people that lob up. We went from that to like literally cyclone Tracy. Well, good luck with round two I reckon. Yeah, that'll be happening. You've gone through the storm. We have.
And now you're back into you're now in a mentor role as well with your music, I guess through through The Voice. Yeah. How did it feel to kind of to eventually do that? To just. I loved being on The Voice. Yeah.
It's definitely been the most positive experience I've had sort of with television. It just I think, you know, there's there's a producer on The Voice. His name's Lee. And he sort of leads the culture of the show. And it's just really kind of beautiful, inclusive, positive culture.
Like no one really comes on the show and goes, oh, they stabbed me in the back or they set me up. Yeah. Like they and and that's the difference. It's not like like I'm sitting there during the audition days and there was no one that was like a bad singer just to like mix it up. You know that everyone can sing and everyone's got something to offer. And like there's never an opportunity to go, look, oh, my gosh, like you're you're terrible. Like you cannot sing. This is not for you. You're actually you're just saying, oh, I think if you do this, maybe you've got more of a chance or I don't know.
It just felt really positive. Everyone, everyone that left the show, you saw like you'd even seen everyone's speeches and stuff. They're just going, we can't tell people out there enough. Like this is such a great thing for you to do. Like those dating shows where they fill them up with grog and turn them against each other. Oh, my gosh, which I'll put my hand up and say I was a big fan of this year. Mate, I was obsessed. I don't know why I've never been into him before, but I think Jules and I were just really needing something for our marriage. And we literally that was our thing. We would sit and watch Married at First Sight. And it made us feel really great about our marriage. And how you met. Yeah, seriously, we just we just felt great. It was awesome. It's like therapy without anyone having to say anything. It was gold.
Pressure valve. Yeah. We spoke to two folks from Five Seconds of Summer last week. And you sort of look like one of the guys from Five Sights. I've heard that before. Ashton. Have you heard that? I have heard that. You actually look like him, yeah. And they were at the back end of a. I've cast in on that. That's me, let me in.
They were saying that that, you know, they just played a show with like, you know, 80 odd thousand. You know, they've sold millions of albums around the world.
But they don't have any money, you know, so. Five Sights were saying this. Recently. Yeah, well, just in terms of like what they can touch and feel right now as a band, they're just kind of still on the road and there's no feel. So who? Which kind of makes. I just don't understand that.
Which kind of makes me wonder, you know, but like what contracts are these kids getting themselves into by going on a reality TV show? I mean, you've got. Or just signing, signing as a young fellow. The guys from One Direction where basically every time they cough, they have to pay, what's his name?
Simon Cowell. Simon Cowell, like 80 pence in the dollar.
Look, for me, I was, I came at the start of that stuff. Like I've been signed, I had to pay a certain amount to the show, but I wouldn't, I don't know. That was your platform, yeah. I wouldn't be anyone without that platform.
It's sort of like. It's like tax.
You can't just sort of go on something and get your dream job and then not sort of have to at least acknowledge it financially, you know. Like I never came from a point of like begrudging the fact that I had to pay a percentage to them. But also, I think as an artist, you have to look at, you have to be smart about where you are making money and what is for art. Like I think about my music, for example. Like we're in the day and age of streaming and all sorts of different changes to the industry. Like I don't look to my actual music as the thing I'm going to necessarily. But yeah, it's not going to make money for me. Like maybe as a songwriter, I do and I'm lucky that I write my songs because I get income from that. But I guess you have to look at the way you tour and the way you sort of other parts of your business.
And it's weird because I've never been a business guy. I'm a shocking business person because I'm not good at.
I hate networking. I hate that whole thing. It's been really hard for me.
My best mate is the best networker I've ever seen. He just looks at people and he knows how to connect them all.
And I'm not good at that because I sort of, if I like someone, I like them. I don't see them as someone I can do something with. But I'm trying to get better at that because it is actually a really important skill, I think.
And I don't know, it breaks my heart a bit if that's the truth, if they've got no cash. I can't believe that though. What are they saying is no cash?
In terms of being like, well, they're living in a share house in LA. You know, it's like, why? Was this recent? Yeah, it'd be like, why are you living in a share house?
I can't even fathom. They are literally the biggest thing to come out of this country for a long time. My dream is to buy mum a house. It's like a month ago. But like, at the end of it, after they left, we were just like, what contract did they sign?
Yeah, look, I'd be equally... Mother of God. To be honest, like if you win The Voice or if you win, I mean, Diana just won and she got a hundred grand. And then she's just got a deal that, to be honest, it would be standard.
Like, I'm lucky because I've managed to renegotiate deals as I've gone, right? So I'm not on a 360 deal or that sort of stuff. So I've got control over my management. I've got control over my like, merch and all that sort of stuff.
But in saying that, I know heaps of artists that are on, like, it's just the normal, like businesses have to change. So they had a play. 360 is fairly normal, I think. What do you say? Like it's a pretty normal deal.
I think you just have to realize that your platform is like, they're making you five sauce. You are massive. Now take that and figure it out. Like figure out how you're going to make it. Get yourself some t-shirts with your face on it.
You're back touring. Yeah. Later, a couple of months from now, I guess. September I'm touring. Yeah. So September through October as well. That's changed a bit over the years? Touring. The Misses With You on the road and stuff? Yeah, definitely.
I mean, I did one tour which was 53 shows or something. And I was on the road for three and a half months nonstop. Like I'd do five, six shows a week. But honestly now, like for me being on tour, especially a regional tour, it's a holiday.
I'm not joking. Like the last tour I rang Jools because I've got massively into golf now. And the most nervous I ever get is as I'm about to start a tour. I don't know why. Like I can have a big gig or whatever. I'm not nervous. But if I'm doing a tour, the first three or four shows, I'm just a wreck. I'm so anxious because I'm just like in my head.
The show is going to go a certain way, but I don't know until I've done it a few times. And then there's a certain point, like four or five shows in, I'm in autopilot mode. So I know I've just got to get a certain amount of sleep. My voice will recover and heal. Then I get up and I'll drive to the next town, stop off, play golf. And have a little cafe meal in Bega or somewhere, wherever I am. And then I go and do the show. Sometimes I'll lob up half an hour before. And just get changed.
And I'm on stage. Then when I'm on stage, it's over. And I'm sitting there going, I wish it was still going. It goes so fast when I'm on stage.
And then you go home and have eight hours sleep? Go home and I'll sleep.
You don't have that come down once you're in the groove? No.
It takes me ages to get to bed because I'm so like pumped doing a show. It just takes me ages to sleep. But when I'm touring regionally, a lot of the towns are four hours apart or something dry.
So I can just sleep in. And I love it. Touring, it's become like a holiday because I've got kids. So at home, I'm up.
Yeah, you're on. Like at 6 AM every morning, they're up. And they're climbing on us.
And it's sort of- There's no time for golf. No.
And I look at what my wife does. And last tour, I apologize. I was like, babe, I'm actually really sorry. This is so much fun what I'm doing. And I know you're not having the same amount of fun, like doing the kid stuff all on your own back at home. But touring for me now, I don't know what it is.
I've just sort of, I've just really cannot wait for this tour because I've got so much on the visual side of stuff that I'm excited about. Like all the screen content and yeah, I'm just pumped for it. I can't wait.
And when does that start? September. Yeah. Adelaide's the first show back in my hometown. Yeah. Our sister cities.
Well, thanks for joining us, Guy. Thank you. And let's get you downtown. He's performing at the Batutah Workies just after lunch. Looking forward to that. So we better wrap this up and thank you for joining us. Pleasure. Thank you.
Ruth, if they got no cash. I can't believe that though. What are they saying is no cash?
Like one Ferrari or- They're living in a share house in LA. You know, it's like, why? Was this recent? Yeah. You'd be like, why are you living in a share house?
I can't even fathom. They are literally the biggest thing to come out of this country for a long time.
Yeah. They're like, my dream is to buy a mama house. I'm like, do it. It's like a month ago. But like at the end of it, after they left, we were just like, what contract did they sign? Yeah. Look, I'd be equally as- Mother of God. Like, I'm honest. Like if you win the voice or if you win, I mean, Diana just won and she got a hundred grand and then she's just got a deal that, to be honest, it would be standard. Like I'm lucky because I've, I've managed to renegotiate deals as I've gone. Right.
So I'm not on a 360 deal or that sort of stuff. So I've got control over my management. I've got control over my like merchant, all that sort of stuff. But, but in saying that, I don't know, heaps of artists that are on, like, it's just the norm, like businesses that have to change. Way to play. 360 is fairly normal, I think. That's a pretty normal deal.
I think you just have to realize that your platform is, is like, they're making you five sauce. You are massive. Now take that and figure it out. Like figure out how you're going to make- Get yourself some t-shirts with your face on it.
You're back touring. You're back touring later, a couple of months from now, I guess. September, I'm touring.
Yeah. So September through October as well. That's changed a bit over the years. Touring. The Misses With You on the road and stuff? Yeah, definitely. Like, I mean, I did one tour, which was 53 shows or something. And I was on the road for three and a half months nonstop. Like I do five, six shows a week. And it was, it was, but, but honestly now, like for me being on tour, especially a regional tour, it's a holiday. Yeah. I'm not joking. Like the last tour I rang jewels because I've got massively into golf now.
And the most nervous I ever get is as I'm about to start a tour. I don't know why, like, like I can have a big gig or whatever, I'm not nervous. But if I'm doing a tour, the first three or four shows, I'm just a wreck. I'm so anxious because I'm just like, in my head, the show is going to go a certain way, but I don't know until I've done it a few times.
And then there's a certain point, like four or five shows in, I'm in autopilot mode. Yeah. So I know I've just got to get a certain amount of sleep. My voice will recover and heal. Then I get up and I'll drive to the next town, stop off, play golf and have a little cafe meal in, you know, Bega or somewhere, wherever I am. And then like I go to do the show, sometimes I'll lob up half an hour before and just get changed. And I'm on stage and I absolutely, then when I'm on stage, it's over. And I'm sitting there going, I wish it was still going. Like it goes so fast when I'm on stage.
And then you go home and have eight hours sleep. Go home and I'll sleep.
You don't have that come down once you're in the groove. No, it takes me ages to get to bed because I'm so like pumped doing a show. It just takes me ages to sleep. But when I'm touring regionally, a lot of the towns are four hours apart or something dry, so I can just sleep in and I love it. Touring is like, it's become like a holiday because I've got kids.
So at home, I'm up. Yeah, you're on. It's 6 a.m. every morning. They're up and they're climbing on us and you know, and it's sort of...
There's no time for golf. No.
And I look at what my wife does and last tour, I apologize. I was like, I'm actually really sorry. This is so much fun, what I'm doing. And I know you're not having the same amount of fun, like doing the kid stuff all on your own back at home. But touring for me now, I don't know what it is.
I've just really cannot wait for this tour because I've got so much on the visual side of stuff that I'm excited about, like all the screen content and yeah, I'm just pumped for it. I can't wait.
And when does that start? September. Yeah, Adelaide's the first show back in my hometown. So yeah, our sister cities.
Well, thanks for joining us Guy and let's get you downtown. He's performing at the Batutta Workies just after lunch. So we better wrap this up and thank you for joining us. Pleasure. Thank you.
Bye. |
dropout | dogs_are_practice_babies | Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Friedrich, I took a look at your test results, and I think I know why that home pregnancy test was so confusing. What does that mean? Is it bad? Well, that depends. Do you want kids? Umm, maybe eventually, but right now? I see. Well, it looks like you're having a dog. What? You're having a dog? You know, a practice baby? Are you sure? Oh, it's pretty conclusive. You can take a look at the sonogram yourself.
Weird, but I do love dogs. Me too.
Well, congratulations. This is a really big step, but not as big as a fucking baby. Oh my god, I can't wait to tell my parents. Oh, they won't care.
Perfect. Oh, we should celebrate. Let's go out drinking and eat sushi and not have strangers touch your stomach. Yes, I love all those things.
Now don't forget, this will be a destructive, constantly shitting nightmare that will keep you up all night, just like a baby. But if you stick it out, you will end up with a super cool dog instead of a sullen teenager. Oh, that's great. Teens never want to go on a run with me. No, yeah. Now, you're going to want to get some of those little gates, and you're going to want to take any hazardous materials that are on the floor and get those up somewhere. But it will dominate every conversation that you have.
It's kind of fun. Oh, and if it gets caught under a bunch of blankets, it's super cute and funny, instead of deeply worrying. So, it's kind of like we'll be able to practice with something easier than a baby and see if it breaks us. And then even if we really fuck it up, it won't spend the rest of its life trolling people on the internet. It won't be cruel to other children in the neighborhood for no reason.
You wonder, was it born this way or did I do something? Exactly. Now, have you thought about names? Um, oh, uh, maybe Mr. Scruffins. Ooh, yeah, or like, Papa the Mutt. It literally doesn't matter. It's a dog. If it were a kid, though, people would care if you named it Brayden.
Baby, are you sure we're ready for this? I think we're ready for only this.
Nothing even remotely harder. Well, if the stress of this causes your relationship to fall apart, at least it won't be a human that resents you for the rest of your lives. Good. Great.
Let's talk about how weird your sonogram is. I probably should have led with this, but something's very wrong. |
dropout | The_Game_Show_of_Nerdy_Corrections_Lord_of_the_Rings_Jurassic_Park_Star_Trek | From booster packs to booster gold, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else and that is correcting people. This is um, actually. And joining us today, we have returning Shane Crown. Happy to be here. We have brand new Luke Field. Very happy to be here. And also returning Danielle Radford.
I feel okay. Well, good, two goods and an okay. Two out of three, ain't bad.
Hey, if you're a baseball guy. I'm not, but sure, please continue. Yeah, that would be a good effort, two out of three. You know, being a baseball guy. Yeah, one of those baseball guys.
I feel like no one watching this has any knowledge of what you just said about baseball. I think baseball is the nerdiest sport.
Yeah, there's a lot of fractions. It's like, do you like math and people in button downs? Baseball. It's very stats heavy. Well, now that I've pissed off some of our audience, probably only a small amount though.
Danielle, you've played before. Shane, you've played before. Luke, you're brand new and maybe you're watching for the first time. The game is very simple.
These are incorrect statements of the things that you know and love. It's up to you to find what's wrong, buzz in and correct me. All your corrections must be preceded by the phrase, um, actually. If you don't, I won't give you the point.
I'll feel very bad about it, but it's basically the only rule, so I have to abide by it. I'll also feel very bad about it. It's heartbreaking when someone loses something that they know and just like didn't remember that.
And you can interrupt me whenever you want. So as soon as you spot what's wrong, you can go ahead and buzz in. Well, we're gonna go ahead and we're gonna jump right in here. We're gonna read this first question.
The world is flat. We may live on a globe, but Narnia, Middle Earth, Discworld, and the world of the NeverEnding Story are among the many settings portrayed as flat or close to it. Luke. Um, actually, I'll guess Narnia ain't flat. Narnia's flat, yeah. Yeah, they go to the ends of the earth.
That's true. Yes, Danielle. Um, actually, the world of the NeverEnding Story is not flat. Incorrect. Oh, sorry, same. Yes, Shane. Um, actually, I believe Discworld, which I absolutely know what it is, is not flat. Shane, you would be wrong in that capacity.
Discworld is, the name is Discworld. Even the name itself implies that it is on a disc. It's on a disc carried by like a bunch of turtles. Yeah, it's a turtle flying through space with a couple of elephants with a disc on top of it.
And yeah. Discs, yeah.
Um, actually, it's that other one that you said. Yeah, can you, do you remember what it is? You're correct that the other one I said is the wrong one. It's hard to remember sometimes. I'll give it to you unless someone can remember what I said and say the other thing.
Um, actually. Wait, wait, wait, Shane is for you too. Um, actually, Middle Earth is not flat. That is correct. So it's got elves, but it's not flat? Yeah, those two things can coexist.
Womp.
Yeah, Middle Earth is round. At one point it was flat, but then it was made round. It was reshaped into a sphere to prevent humans from sailing into the Undying Lands.
Well, that is a point kind of for Shane. Good job. I'll take it. You know what, you'll take it. It's not the most honorable point, but a point's a point at the end of the day. So there you go.
This next question is a wrestling question. Five time world champion Booker T is the most decorated wrestler in WCW history and the first African-American WCW world champion. He's known for repeating the phrase five time in reference to his five world championship titles. Going so far as to say five time, five times on more than one occasion for emphasis.
Shane, Luke and Danielle were both parsing every single word of that slowly. Shane is just like, oh, I'm coming in.
I'll guess. I have no stake in this. I don't know anything about wrestling, but I can maybe back into that.
Um, actually not all five titles were WCW. Incorrect. Um, actually he does not say five times, five times. He says five time, five time, five time, five time world champion. No, I mean, maybe he's said it before, but no, no, I think it's more of the five time, five time, yeah. Luke. Um, actually his wins span WCW and WWE from like the, when they combined. So it's actually more than five. That is correct. Or at least partially so. He has more than five world championships. He's actually the six time world champion, even though he still says five time. Well, point for Luke there, point for Luke.
When author James S.A. Corey began working on the Expanse, he had imagined it as an MMORPG or tabletop game setting. Instead it became a series of novels. Nine in total are currently being planned and a TV series. Oh, and of course an Expanse tabletop RPG is slated to come out later this year.
Took him long enough. Shane. Um, actually it really didn't take him that long at all. All this happened in about six months. Time is relative and who can say what a long time is?
No, no, that's not what we're going for. Time is also flat. Um, actually, they're not going to do a tabletop one because there's just too many of those already. They're not going to beat Dungeons and Dragons. They are doing, they are doing. What a waste of money.
Um, actually it is not nine books that are planned. It is 10 books that are planned. They've said that it's nine that are planned.
I must say no one got that. The um actually here is that James S.A. Corey is not one person. It's actually a writing duo writing under a single pseudonym. So it was wrong to say that he was doing anything because it is in fact two people. It's Daniel Abraham and Ty Frank.
I wonder why they did that. Like, why do they think two is like worse?
Well, it's the same way as like, you know, oh God, I can't believe I'm going to use this example. E.L. James decided that she couldn't do Fifty Shades of Grey under her own name because she wouldn't be taken seriously. I'm sorry.
People obsess about Fifty Shades of Grey. That's totally, you know what, as far as I'm concerned, we should have a Fifty Shades of Grey question in here at some point.
We'll move on to our next question, which is a fan submitted question. This is from one of our fans here and this is about Magic the Gathering. This question comes to us from Dimp. It's Dimp with an exclamation point.
There are many elder dragons in Magic the Gathering like Nicol Bolas, Chromium Ruel, and Arcady's Sabbath. Among them is also 15,000 plus year old Niv Mizzet, an arrogant but brilliant inventor who even has his own metal name for him, Mizzium. Yes, Luke. Um, actually, Niv Mizzet is not one of the elder dragons. He is a very old dragon, but like the original elder dragons was like a five card cycle from like antiquities or something like that.
But he was not part of it. He came in later in a different set.
That's correct. Yeah. Yeah, I was right. Oh! Yeah, he's from Ravnica. Yeah, that is correct. That he is an extremely old dragon, but he is not an elder dragon. Does that officially have that title? And actually, I'm actually, when he can, he does lay on his ID about how old he is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, guys. I'm only 8,000, but thank you for the compliment. Oh, what's that? Oh yeah, well, you don't look a day over 7,000.
He is part of like the Izzet Guild, I think, or at least he has the colors of the Izzet Guild who are very like tinkerers and experimenters. So I imagine he does a lot of like experiments to be like age-defying dragon makeup and like things like that. It's so funny to me too, of like of lore where dragons are also like tinkerers and inventors. Like you're already a dragon. It's like, yes, but I've got machines to make.
How do their little hands work? How do they? How are they like? They can cast fireballs and do all sorts of magic, but they can't figure out how to type. They only have three fingers.
Yeah, it's tough. I'm just going to answer this now with three fingers. Let's do this for the rest of the set.
See how to know what the dragon's life is like. Nicol Bolas is constantly calling Niv-Mizzet to be like, hey, I can't figure out my email. You're one of those younger dragons. Can you help me out here? I'm sorry, I'm 15,000 years old.
You can't expect me to know all this stuff. What's a PDF?
Here's our first shiny question. This is a game called Mounting Suspicion. We have a series of friendly animal transports here. Please match the name tag with them. That is the name where they should be returned to if they are lost. Who would ride these mounts?
Let's flip it over. Let's take a look here. It might be clear when you're looking at it.
Oh, bizarre. Yeah, these are all things someone might ride. But who is the person riding them? Okay. I don't think you can ride some of these. Oh, jeez. Shane, tell us what you got here. Great.
This little hamster fellow is clearly Bomberman's mount. The goat there belongs to Randy.
Okay. That dancing fox is Gogo. Okay. The Final Fantasy chicken is Fio. The hare dragon belongs to Kirby. Okay. And the camel, just a camel, is the Inquisitor. All right. Luke, let's see what you got here. All right, here we go. I think this is the only one I'm sure of because they wear the same shoes. This is Kirby. Okay. Then this is the Inquisitor, Randy. Yeah. The chicken is Fio, I hope. Okay. Gogo. Okay. And this is Bomberman. Great.
Pure and entire guesses, all the lot of them. Cool. And Danielle, what do you have? Wow, we guessed a lot of the same things for things that we don't know.
Okay. This hamtaro looking dude, I put for Kirby. Fio. Okay. I also have Randy. For the Final Fantasy mount, I said the Inquisitor. Gogo. And I also said that this camel dude belongs to Bomberman. Very good.
Well, looking at this, Shane, you got zero correct. Yes. Danielle, you got one correct. I did it. And Luke, I believe you got two correct. But let's show the actual answers. You spotted the shoes. That is in fact Kirby's mount.
That is Rick. No, it's not. That's Rick. No, it's not. Yeah, it's Rick. Come on. That can't be Rick.
I was on board with this puff marshmallow that can like suck things up, but a gerbil named Rick, I'm out. Then we have the greater nuggalope. That is the mount of the Inquisitor. I'm sorry, what? The greater nuggalope.
That is from Dragon Age Inquisition. Then this is Louie, who is Bomberman's mount. This is a chocobo, AKA a Final Fantasy chicken, as it was referred to. That is Gogo. We chose a slightly lesser, perhaps lesser known Final Fantasy character to try to trip people up there, and maybe we did. This is Flami from Secret of Mana. And then finally, the SV camel from Metal Slug, who is- That is the one that looks good.
All right, of course. And that's it for this episode of Um, Actually. Um, Actually, it's not.
There's way more of this episode over on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
I'll be right here. Well, I'll be over there. I mean, I'll be in both places at once, because this is just- There's more- Technology!
This is called Needs More Pixels. So we're gonna put an image up here that is extremely pixelated, perhaps even unrecognizably pixelated. But we have different stages that will get gradually more clearer. The first person to buzz in and tell us what image this is will get the point. |
cracked | a_chilling_tale_of_drugs_in_the_workplace | Daniel, I spoke with the sergeant and he'd like to see you. It's important. Jesus Christ, Michael! What did you do this time? I spoke to Sarge, who said he wanted to see you. Then I came here and you wasted both of our time asking silly questions.
What's your deal? I got a... My deal? It's that I'm trying to get my job done.
Sarge, I don't know if you've seen Michael lately, but I think he's on something. Painkillers, or bear tranquilizers, or bear, like, killers. I don't... One of the things... Ritalin! Bear Ritalin? Mmm.
He's increased his focus and enhanced his productivity. So is that a yes? He's a sharp, hard-working model employee.
It's like having a second you around. That's terrific. No. It's like having a second you around. That's terrific.
Redundancy, O'Brien. Never have two of something if one can do the job. Is that why... Booyah! I knew it. I've been reviewing your file with a single eye, and it seems your only function in the company is to keep Michael in check. Since the pills do a good enough job of that, I'm afraid your services are no longer required. I'm fired? I'd say Booyah again, but, uh... Redundancy.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's nothing I can do?
Not unless you can convince Michael to go back to the way he used to be. You mean by, like, showing him how much fun it is? Sure. Act like him so he reverts back to his old ways and stops acting like you. So, like, a body-switching thing?
Yeah! Ah, I love those. Really? I...
Sorry, I just never thought we would stoop to that. I thought we were above that. We're above that, as a website.
Well, we can skip all that, and I can just have security beat you out of the building right now. To the thrift store in the gay neighborhood!
Hey. Michael, hey, Michael.
Look at this wacky outfit I got on. Sure is unconventional, right? I mean, there are no pockets, and everything looks crazy when you get sunglasses inside.
Yes. That's accurate. I traded my shoes to a homeless guy for the shorts? I think the hat is a diaper, but, like, for a fancy gypsy baby. Uh, any of this sounding appealing to you? Wanna... Sure. Good work, buddy.
Hey! Look at me! Kick! Punch! Daniel!
I'm wild and unpredictable! I think science is for fat people. Sometimes I forget how numbers work. A lot of times I put my penis places that, oh my God, you wouldn't expect at all.
You'd be like, there? What was he thinking? I'm sorry, is this sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen going anywhere? Because I have quite a lot of work to do. What are you talking about, Swain?
It's Friday night. It's two in the afternoon on a Tuesday.
Not according to my calendar. That's just a calendar with mar...
Where did you even get that? I just started pooling and things work out for me.
I don't know, Michael. I'm not a questions guy, alright? The only questions that I ask are where's the party and FASTER. Not a question. So your answer's no, then? To what?
You haven't even... Ah! Time's up! You're timing me? Wrong!
The answer was in my pants. Also would have accepted party, or always, or party hat, party cat, hard hat. I'm gonna stop you right there. Are you just stuck in a loop listing things? Because I can talk you through that. Oh! I don't want to get out of this, Michael. You blew it.
This is great. This is the funnest right here. I'm this forever now. That was fun.
Yeah, you really blew it, McHale.
It's nice seeing you, Dan. I like your pants. I like your butt. Very hobo chic.
Boner. You're so funny, Dan. No, he's not! Anyone can say boner. Ooh-ner. Dan's the best, funniest guy in the office. I question your authority on that topic, sir.
Hey, everybody. Let's all gather around and pay attention to Dan.
It's like my birthday, Eric, except none of you are cops or else you'd have to tell me, and Ken hasn't been roofied yet. Scratch that. See you in a couple hours, future naked Ken. Hey, Dan, you'll do something wacky again. F*** you.
Okay. No. Everything's back to normal.
New show's over here at me. Hello, my dick. What's the weather like down there? Super huge?
Bullshit! He's not even doing it right. He's barely hard.
Oh, okay. Okay, okay, okay. That's fine. Hey, hey. It's all right. We can switch back now, okay?
I was better Daniel than you'll ever be anyway. No! What?
I'm gonna be both now. He digs roughly two Michaels to play the Michael game, Michael. Michael, if you learned anything from all this, it should have been that you can't wear the tie if you're not the man to wear. I can do both. Look, now I'm gonna be Michael, being Daniel, being Michael.
What's this gonna be? Let's throw another shrimp on this PowerPoint. Michael, that's not... What? Dan? It's not... Mike? Dan? This is probably clear. Mike? Sarge? Horses? What in f***'s name is going on out here?
I'm you now, too. Can you control him or not? I can if I have a job tomorrow. Then do it! Only kill him if you think you have to, or if you think he won't come back. Don't even think about it, dude. I would come back on you hard and fast. Oh, wait a minute. Were you faking this whole time? Yep.
Pills don't really work on me anymore. I took too many. You took too many pills? Just like general pills? You built up an immunity to pills?
Yeah, this one time. Anyway, I didn't want to be you anymore. It's kind of a drag.
Yeah.
Plus, I couldn't let you get fired. Thanks, man. No problem.
Hey, what would you have done if I wasn't faking? I didn't really think it through, but I think I actually would have killed you. How messed up is that? Yeah, I probably would have done the same thing, though. If I were you.
Hey! It was good. It was a good joke. Yeah, it was our body switching episode. Yeah. |
cracked | stories_from_history_that_should_be_horror_movies_the_cracked_podcast | Put your hands together for the Grant podcast live! How are you guys? Thanks for coming out. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked. Get the housekeeping out of the way up front. And basically, this is the annual Spooktacular. I am really going to call it that again. Wherein we tell the scariest true stories that we know. Yeah! It's my co-host. Please welcome, joining me on stage from Team Tiger Awesome, Conan, he's Cracked's YouTube guru. Please welcome, El Mundial de los Chistes! My friend Nick, just another manic Monday. Thank you. Welcome, man. Are you a horror movie fan? I am now that I'm married.
They're okay. Yeah, I was just saying I have some criteria that I think are ingredients that contribute to the scariness of a story that I'll be looking out for. White children are scary. The stories take place in the wilderness or a rural setting. City, less scary. Religion, if there's religion present, but it has to be Jesus stuff or pagan stuff.
It can't be Judaism. I don't think Judaism is scary for whatever reason. No, Judaism is not scary.
It's a beautiful religion. That we should all revere and not fear.
For some reason, hooved farm animals only. Does that count pigs? Goats, I think pigs are scary. Lambs, as in silence of.
But chickens are not scary. Dogs are not scary. And as far as cars, they have to be sedans or vans are scary. But SUVs and sports cars are not scary.
What else? Nothing else really going on in the news.
I got one criteria that's important for a scary movie while they're telling their stories. I'm going to be thinking this in my head. The trailer has to have that song.
Let the bodies hit the floor.
You got to have some drowning pool in there to get so you know it's scary. So yeah, I was joking about there not being anything in the news. Obviously, a lot of people are thinking about Trump, I think. So we're going to give all of our presenters 15 seconds up top to summarize all of their thoughts on Trump in 15 seconds.
You ready to do this? Let's do this. Let's do it. Let the bodies hit the floor.
Our first presenter, artist, was hailed by Mark Maron and Rolling Stone as a comedian who should be big. He just released his third full-length album, Immortal for Now. He is the creator and host of one of the top natural science podcasts on iTunes, Me and Paranormal U, LA Weekly, and New York Magazine. Both named him one of their comics to watch. Please welcome Ryan Singer.
Right there. I think the 15 second top of the thing about Trump, I think what I'd like to say is that in these times, it's really easy to get swallowed by the darkness, and I think we all just need to love each other. That's all I have to say.
I think the, it's close to my heart when I'm going to talk about it because it's so scary, because I love to hike and I love outdoors, but after what I'm about to tell you, you may never want to go camping in a national park or go hiking ever again. There are over a thousand missing cases, missing person cases, unexplained, of people who go missing in national parks under mysterious and bizarre circumstances with no real explanation. And, oh god, there's a book. The book I'm referencing mostly here is Missing 411, written by David Politis, North America and Beyond. Stories of people who have disappeared in remote locations of North America and five other countries. I want to specifically focus on the national parks in the United States of America. Yosemite is the biggest cluster, as they call, as he refers to it, of missing people.
And most of them got, ugh, most of them are under 10 years old. And, oh, okay, so this guy used to be a cop for 20 years. He's got an undergraduate and a master's degree from the University of San Francisco. He's written five books now about this. Some people will try to discredit him. I think that happens a lot. When you hear scary stuff that's real, you try to discredit the source to try to ease your own mind and think this is impossible.
The traits of these missing children. There's no fallout or evidence of struggle of any kind, as if it was a surprise. The tracking dogs cannot find a scent of the children that go missing. And if they do, it is always up a mountain. Even in cases of 18-month-old children who go missing. How would they scale a mountain? I'm not exactly sure. Most of these kids are found up to 700%, if not further, outside of the standard parameters of search and rescue ranges.
Ugh, one kid made 14 miles in three hours with no shoes on. But the condition of his feet, or of the kid's feet, were never mentioned in the articles or the police reports, which seemed to be a very telling thing. Was the kid carried? What was going on with the kid's feet? So when you say that he made 14 miles in three hours, like they found him three hours later, 14 miles away?
Yes. Jesus.
So the National Park Service has one of the largest law enforcement groups that patrol open spaces of federal land, obviously. Every moderately-sized law enforcement agency in the United States of America has a website, and on that website they have a missing persons section. The national parks do not have a missing persons section. In fact, they do not even have a database of all of the people who have gone missing in the national parks, which seems crazy to say out loud, but in fact it is true.
All freedom of information requests by Mr. Pilates usually come up empty-handed. They refuse to hand over the cases.
So I don't know what's scarier here. The national parks don't want people to stop spending their money at the parks or are the people at the very top covering something up? So that's the question here. Maybe Trump's right about cutting the funding for the national parks. He am privatizing these sons of bitches. I think what we need to do is make like a badass national park action movie. I think it's clearly a horror movie.
It scores very high on my white children, wilderness, and hooved animals. You mentioned a horse in there. So starvation is also a thing. Can you describe just like Chupacabra real quick? This Halloween, Chupacabra is a goat sucker. His appetite is no longer just goats.
Now he wants sorority girls. Ooh, something's got to give. Give it up for Bryan Singer, guys. Join us over here.
Next artist is a hilarious writer, performer, and editor at Cracked. He goes by many names, The Surge, Serge, Captain Boats-a-Lot, The Party Weasel. I only made one of those up.
Mr. Joshua Sargent. Thank you. Thank you very much.
I'm here to talk to you about a guy named Jean-Claude Romain, who was French. And the fun thing about Romain is that by the time I'm done talking about him, everybody here is going to look at the people they came to this show with, and they're going to wonder to themselves if one of them is romanding you. You laugh now. Just wait. So all of the single people who came here, you guys are f***ing.
Yeah, yeah. 15 seconds to talk about Trump. Is that because you're a major Trump supporter? Yeah. Trump will come up. So Trump's involved in this scary story? Metaphorically.
So Romain was a very well-respected doctor. He worked for the World Health Organization. He lived in France. He would commute to Geneva. He would travel all through Europe and the United States, giving talks to huge groups of smart people about this. He also was kind of a brilliant investor because he knew so many people and traveled so much and worked with so many different businesses. He had all these connections, and he would talk to his friends and family and kind of guaranteed all of them a very comfortable retirement. And he was married to kids, had a mistress on the side like wealthy people do.
French. Very French.
Until one morning in 1993, he killed his wife in her sleep, killed both his kids, drove to his parents' house, killed both of them, then drove to his mistress' place. It's helpful to imagine him as like a Donald Trump figure at this point. Drove to his mistress' place, got her in his car, drove out into the woods, and this is 100% true, tried to strangle her, she got mad, and he broke down crying and apologized, drove her back to her house and said, please don't tell anybody that I drove you out into the woods and tried to murder you. Sounds like Trump.
Yes, yeah. So he didn't think she was going to be mad? Yeah, he thought he could get away with it. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't. No, yeah, exactly. And I know what you're thinking. This is a rich guy. Well, like Donald Trump, he wasn't really rich. Oh.
He didn't actually work for the World Health Organization. Eighteen years before this, he had skipped an exam in medical school. And instead of telling anybody, he told his parents and all his friends that he passed it with flying colors. And he continued to attend classes or pretend to attend classes in medical school for six years. Then when he pretended to graduate, he just went to graduation, left. He was like, yeah, I totally did it. He went to, he pretended to get a job at the World Health Organization.
He met his wife, married her. They had two kids. And you might be wondering, how did all the money come from? Well, remember how he had invested and guaranteed all his friends and family comfortable retirements? No, he just took their money and lived off it.
And for almost two straight decades, he lived a not even very well put together lie. When he would take these long trips where he was giving talks around the world, he was actually staying in a hotel near the airport. He would drive to the airport and then go to a hotel. After he tried to murder his mistress and apologized and then drove home, he went to bed and slept in his corpse-filled home and then set it on fire.
The police came, dragged him out. He survived. He was put in prison, and he was eligible for parole in 2015. But last year, he decided not to apply for parole, because in the jail, he's working as the doctor.
Oh, really? I mean, allegedly. So now, you know, you look at the people you came with, and you ask yourself. I know some of you are asking yourself right now, am I being romanded? Well, the answer for at least one of you is yes. Smoke bomb! Oh, my God.
Where'd he go? Where is he?
That's it. That's the end. We're going to now let you guys vote who stays. Give it up for Josh Sargent. Thank you. Give it up for Ryan Singer. That's him. All right. Thank you, Sarg.
Up next is a hilarious writer-director-comedian who currently works at Cracked, writing, performing, and directing sketches. In her free time, she does a bunch of stuff here at UCB and in the outside earth. She had one of her pilots picked up for the finals of the Sundance episodic story lab in 2016.
Please welcome Carmen Angelica! Hello!
I guess my scary story, I'm sorry, but we're living it. It's the clowns. I don't know if you guys have heard this, but there are clown sightings all over the United States right now, and they're just like coming out of the woods and trying to lure kids back into the woods. It's just blown up. It's become this like huge thing. There are just clown sightings and then like clown Facebook group. Things, pages, and like clown threats. They say they're clowns. They always say they're clowns. Are calling schools and being like, we're going to kidnap kids and we're going to kill teachers. So it's just like the clown apocalypse, the clownpocalypse.
One of the threats, they were like, and we're going to be dressed as creepy clowns. And I was like, wait, that's not scary if you say that you're going to be scared. Like Jason's not like, I'm going to be wearing a scary hockey mask and it's going to be so scary. Yeah, but they want you to know that it's scary.
It's not a friendly clown. Right. That is a key distinction. But there aren't just clown sightings. There are sightings of clowns that are trying to kill children. With machetes, things like that. Right now, they've shown up in 20 states at this point. This is not just like a one time. They're happening on the same day. So it's not the same clown. It's not like one clown going crazy.
And then we also have clown sales have gone up 300%. I guess clown costume sales, technically. But that's what makes the clown. Obama's going to ban all clown costumes. So they're buying them up before taxes legislation. Actually, Connecticut did ban them. Like for real. Baned clown costumes? Yeah. Can New Haven, Connecticut banned clown costumes for the school? For the good of the clowns, probably. Yeah, because people are clown hunting. That's seriously happening. Like juggling animal balloon making clowns are now getting hunted because some dicks decided to dress up as creepy scary clowns described by themselves as scary clowns. And chase kids.
I don't know. Anyway, but this is actually not even a new thing. This has been happening for 35 years. What? And we just never knew about it.
The first one that has been recorded for the past 35 years of clown popping was I'm sorry. That's the technical term. I did the research. It's called clown popping when clowns pop out at you. The first sighted clown popping was May 1981 in Massachusetts and the clowns popped out of the woods and offered kids candy. And then it just kept happening for 35 years. But this year it became huge because now it's a thing.
And Stephen King has come out and been like, you guys need to cool it. Clowns are the clown hunters. Hey, guys. Time to cool the clown hysteria. Most of them are good.
Cheer up the kitties. Make people laugh. That sounded, that's the scariest thing he's wrote in like 20 years. Cheer up the kitties. I think that saying kitties to me was like, nah.
You're looking at head clown right there. Stephen King. Yeah. Stephen King definitely ruined clowns.
He started it. He did. He started it.
Treat the kitties well. Well, a theory that I heard from a friend, and I love this theory.
That it started because somebody was like, I think I see a clown. And then the news was like, oh, somebody sighted a creepy clown. And then it was like butt chugging. The news was like, kids are butt chugging. And then kids were like, butt chugging is the thing? And then they were like, well, I might as well try it. And so like a bunch of people went out and got clown costumes and decided to creepy clown.
Pop. Did you make clown popping up? Or is that an actual thing that people are saying? I would like it to start. OK. Just imagine clowns coming out of the woods like, shoot him! Shoot him! You're doing amazing. Breakdancing clown, right?
I didn't say it. I'm sorry. I didn't say it. Sam, no!
It's not popping clowns. It's clown popping. Thank you. Popping clowns. Popping is clowns who pop out popping, OK?
All right. Give it up for Carmen Angelico. How's it doing?
You're a checklist. On the checklist, we have wilderness.
Clowns is its own category. So scored well there. And Pennsylvania, I've decided, is its own category.
Children. Yeah. White children. Yeah. It's got to be white children.
All right. Give it up for Ryan Singer. All right. Carmen, I think you stay. Huh? Oh, OK. Yeah. It's Ty goes to the new person. Get out, clown. Thank you, sir.
Up next is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor that has appeared on BBC Two, BBC Three, Channel Four, Channel Five, HBO, and Comedy Central. He's performed stand-up around the world, including Just For Laughs in Montreal, and was nominated for the best comedy show at Edinburgh.
Please welcome Eric Lampart. Hi, guys. Hello. Hey.
I sound British, but I'm actually French, so I thought I'd talk a little bit about the French ripper. Ooh. Yeah, yeah. So he's known as Le Ventreur du Soudeste, the ripper of the southeast, southwest, sorry.
He was also known as the killer of little shepherds, which sounds cute, doesn't it? But they were just, oh, it's tiny shepherds. Really? But no, they were just children.
So that's why it's sad. That's why it's sad.
So he was known as the French ripper because it sort of happened at a similar time to Jack the Ripper. And so let me set the scene for Paul Joseph. Joseph was the 15th child to be born into his family, which is actually quite impressive, isn't it? It's his mum and dad.
Well done. Right. That is a lot of f***ing. You can't see it, but he also did the finger into the whole emotion, too. Yeah. This is a recurring theme. There wasn't that much to do in 19th century France. It was either you're going to f*** or you're going to kill.
And Joseph, very clever. He combined the two. Very clever man.
So his family were peasant farmers. The name Vachir actually comes from cow herders. They were cow herders, which is quite clever for a big family. If you've got cows, that's how you feed the children. You just put four kids under another.
Food's what I prefer to eat. Right. The mum doesn't have to do all that work. Right. I think it's quite clever.
So he tried to escape poverty by joining the army. And there, because of his bad temper, there was no promotion. He hated it.
And then he went on leave and he fell in love with a woman. And that's where it all began. He fell in love with a beautiful young woman called Louise.
And she said no. And he was like, but I can grab you by the pussy. And he was like, and she was like, no, you f***ing monster. That's where it originated. That doesn't work. Well, it clearly didn't. She said no to him.
You know, not every French person is as handsome as me. Good day.
Then he flew off. So her rejection plus his frustration at not being promoted, he decided to kill himself. Right. And so he took a blade and he sliced his throat. And it didn't work out. He actually failed at killing himself. And this is maybe where his first taste of blood actually happened. Literally. Like he cut himself. He was like, oh, this is nice. The army dismissed him after his suicide attempt. Although there is a report that his suicide... This is genuinely true. There's reports that his suicide attempts impressed the army so much that they were like, you know what? We didn't like your bad temper. But since we saw you fail at killing yourself, you are now corporal. Wait, that's how he got a promotion?
Oh, weird, isn't it? But that's one of the reports.
Now, down on his luck, he tried to seduce Louise again by asking for a hand in marriage. He didn't learn his lesson for the first time. And she obviously said no and mocked him for asking. So like any normal man who is rejected twice, he tried to kill her.
Classic.
That's how I got married. I was like, oh, twice, oh. So he actually tried to kill her. He shot her four times. But unbeknownst to him, she actually survived, which is great.
And then he tried to... This men's right activist sucks at killing. He's so bad. And then he tried to kill himself again and again failed. He shot himself in the face and failed.
Which makes me think, like, what were bullets made of in France? Like, was it like baguette guns and baby bell ammo?
This is the best episode of Mr. Bean ever.
So he survived, but his face was, as it's known in medical profession, really f***ed up. As you can imagine, from a sliced throat and shots to the face. So after shooting the one that he loves and himself, he was forced to go to a mental hospital. But he didn't get another promotion. President! No, he actually, this time, went to a mental hospital. And after about a year, they sort of kept asking him questions. And they were like, yeah, you're fine, you're sane. And so the doctors let him out, and that's when he started killing people.
So he was actually really difficult to find. He drifted from town to town in France. He couldn't get that much work, because most people were scared by his trademark appearance. Scared face. He had a constant infected eye. He had a rabbit fur hat. And this is the best thing. He always carried around an accordion.
Like, how did his victims not hear him coming? Did you hear that, Pierre? No, that was just the wind.
Stab, stab, kill, f***! So his reign of terror ended when he attempted to assault a woman. But she screamed bloody murder, and her husband and son came to the rescue. And they called for the police.
Right, this is the best. They called for the police, but while they waited for the police to arrive, they just held him in a tavern, a local tavern, where there was loads of people. And he played the accordion to entertain everyone. Even the husband and wife were like, this guy's good! If you're famous, you can do anything.
That's a joke, that's a joke. From the clown that you have as president.
Anyway, he was sentenced to death on 31st December 1898, which is a good way to end the year. Death by, again, very French, guillotine. Did it work? This time! Well, it did, because he already helped a little bit by cutting the throat. On the morning of his death, he was dragged to the guillotine by the executioners, which I found strange considering he tried to kill himself twice. His final words were, you think to expiate the faults of France by having me die, that will be not enough.
You are committing another crime. I am the great victim. Which is a cool way of going out.
But everyone else was like, oh, do f*** off. Especially because his eye was probably pussing out. On another note, this is about the executioner. After he cut Joseph's head off, he actually developed a phobia of the sight of blood. And he stopped. He never worked again, cutting people's heads off.
So it's a happy ending. Yeah. So, yeah, that's Joseph Vachey. Awesome. Give it up for Eric, you guys. Give it up for Carmen. All right, Eric stays. Let's see.
Our next artist is a stand-up comic and performer described as having the worst aura. She was named a comic to watch by SF Weekly. She produces the Los Angeles branch of the long-running San Francisco show The Business. She's co-host of Terrified with Dave Ross, part of the Nerdist Network. Please give it up for Anna Sarajina.
Hello. Hi.
I wanted to talk about what is incorrectly known as America's first serial killer, H.H. Holmes. There is one theory that I really like that he is actually Jack the Ripper, which is a little spooky. Although I say Jacques. Jacques. Anyway, so he was born in New Hampshire, you know, classic American boy.
There's a somewhat famous story about how the kids in his school bullied him and knew he was scared of skeletons and bullied him, somehow dragged him into the local doctor's office and made him touch a skeleton in the office and made the skeleton touch him back. But later it was said that it was actually not a skeleton, but a body. So he went to, eventually he went to medical school. There he would steal cadavers and commit insurance fraud with them. He may or may not have graduated medical school.
He eventually gets a job working at a pharmacy where he poisons a young boy, and didn't we all? He hates little boys, huh? He hates little boys. Eventually flees because people are starting to be like, a lot of little boys are dying around this man.
So he changes his name eventually to H.H. Holmes. He was born Howard Webster Mugget. And he moves to Chicago, and he decides to start building a three-story building just in time for the Chicago World Fair. This three-story building on the bottom would host businesses on the top floor, actual rooms in his room, and then the middle floor on Chante had weird-angled hallways, doors that led to nowhere, staircases that led to nowhere.
Inside Trump's brain. Inside Trump. There's a lot of Trump, because he also would hire contractors for just a couple days of masons, and then he didn't want them to know what's going on.
So he would fire them. But as he would fire them, he would be like, you were incompetent, so no pay. So it's exactly like Trump.
The rooms on the second floor housed different kinds of torture rooms. There was an asphyxiation room. There was a hanging room, which, do you need a whole room?
But all right. And he would send the bodies from the second floor to the basement where he would experiment with them. And so at the time, eventually, of his death, he admitted in his confession to have killed 27 people. They think it may have been as many as 200.
And his prime time was during the Chicago World's Fair. He would lure in women who often were traveling alone to see Tesla and then would offer them cheap rooms, lure them into the house, and then they would never come back out. He was also very handsome, and he slept with a lot of the women.
But so... You said that like he was a pro. He's the only guy. What can I say? I'm not going to blame the guy.
He looks good. He owned property.
So after he died, about 30 people who had been affiliated with his conviction went missing. In the New York Times, at the time, referred to it as the Holmes Curse. And there is a theory that he just paid off somebody, the executioners, to stage his death. He had very specific ways in which he wanted to be buried, which was 10 feet underground and in concrete. It was just so strange. The superintendent of the prison died by poisoning. The father of one of his victims died in a gas explosion. The office of the claims manager for the insurance company that Holmes had cheated, caught fire and burned, and everything in the office was destroyed except for a framed copy of Holmes' arrest warrant and two portraits of the killer.
He's quite talented. Very talented.
But there is a link to him having been in London at the same time as some of the Jack the Ripper killings. He had a reason to be there. And there is on file evidence that he had gone to London and tried to sell a skeleton to one of the hospitals in London and was turned down because London didn't like that. So a lot of people take issue with the fact that he could have been Jack the Ripper because the modus operandi was so different in the Jack the Ripper killings. It was just prostitutes. And then here it was predominantly for monetary gain. But I mean, maybe just the guy liked to kill.
And abroad, we're all a little different, you know? I'll be honest, Jack, all these stories are depressing.
What? The three-year-old that was found in the woods was like the nicest thing. All right. You hate three-year-olds.
All right, give it up for Anna. Give it up for Eric. That is all the time we have, actually, guys. Thank you so much for coming out. Please give it up for Anna, Nick, and all of our presenters. Thanks, dude. Thanks, guys. |
cracked | the_dark_realities_of_being_blind | Oh hi! How are you? Don't worry, there's nothing wrong with the video or your computer. I just wanted to show you what it felt like when I woke up almost entirely blind one day. That should be enough. Hello again! My name's Lindsay, and I was born with sight, but then I went to sleep one day and I woke up with almost no vision in my eyes. And I don't need Daredevil's super senses to know what you're thinking right now, so let's just jump right into it.
The human eye is such a complex miracle. It's no wonder people are saying it's proof that God exists, because who else but a benevolent, all-powerful creator would give us an organ for enjoying naked people from a distance? But the eye isn't perfect. It's actually so not perfect that it can just stop working all of a sudden.
One day, I had a massive headache on the way home, much worse than anything I'd ever experienced. I assumed it was just a migraine, so as soon as my six-year-old went to sleep, I went to bed to try his sleep bit off. The next day, I awoke and thought it was weird that my eyes had been glued shut by the sandman. I managed to make my way to the bathroom and ran the tap to rinse my eyes clean, expecting to drop enough eye sand in the sink to build the grossest sandcastle ever. After rubbing and scrubbing some more, I realized that my eyes were open, that I was actually touching my eyeballs.
You're welcome for the new phobia, by the way. I later learned that my blindness was brought on by a cute glaucoma, a sudden buildup of pressure in the eyes that can be caused by just about anything. Stress, medication, neckties, and if you're waiting for me to yell, psych, about the last one, then we're going to be here for a while. In extremely rare cases, a cute glaucoma can result in permanent loss of eyesight, which is what happened to me. I now have no perception of light in my left eye, as the optic nerve is dead.
Now imagine you wake up like that, and then your child comes up to you. I don't have to imagine it, because I've lived it. When I was washing my non-functioning eyes, my six-year-old daughter came in. I was crapping myself, but didn't want to scare her. My mum had died suddenly the year before, and since then my daughter had been really worried about something happening to me. My thoughts were, if I could just hold myself together until she gets to school, then I can fall apart. Making breakfast was ridiculously hard, especially as I was trying so hard not to cry, as well as trying to figure out what the fuck happened to me.
I said to my daughter, let's play a game. Let's see how good you are at pouring your own cereal. Unbeknownst to my daughter, that was her only chance as a kid to just dump a bunch of Snickers in a bowl of milk and call it breakfast.
I carried this on throughout getting the both of us dressed, asking, does mummy look beautiful and dressed, or does she look silly? Luckily, we lived very close to her school, and there were no roads to cross on the way. When I walked, it was probably slower than a snail's pace. I was feeling everything on the way with one hand, whilst holding my daughter's hand and the other.
People have asked me, why didn't you stay at home? And the simple answer is, I didn't want my daughter to have any memory of her mum being upset. Good thing then she wasn't around when the government people visit us. You know that doesn't work on me, right? I was on a waiting list for help due to my eyesight, but instead of helping, the social worker was asking loads of questions about my daughter and her life, and after a while, the questions got more and more strange. Like, how many times have you been unable to care for your child due to a hangover? I didn't even drink alcohol. They were trying to trap me into giving an answer that would sound like I was abusing my child, or more bizarrely, that I was resentful of her and her eyesight.
It was an infuriating experience, and a whole other thing to worry about next to, you know, being blind. But it passed, and with a lot of time and patience, I got my life back. Going blind all of a sudden is like becoming an 18-year-old living alone for the first time.
You're scared, you have no idea what you're doing, but you put on a brave face and just try to fake it until you make it. Also, you suck at shopping.
I once bought cat biscuits instead of breakfast cereal by mistake as the shop had had a change around. My daughter got all excited and thought we were getting a cat.
I have brushed my teeth with antiseptic cream instead of toothpaste, and I have used cleaning wipes instead of toilet wipes. That was something I'll never do again. I've also had my fair share of burns from learning to cook again, but I never let any of that keep me down.
I decided that blindness was not going to stop me from doing anything, even driving a car. Some years back, I did a sponsored blind drive to raise money for the Guide Dogs charity. It involved driving a Nissan Micro around a test track. I got the fastest lap of all the participants, 94 miles per hour. I was in a dual-controlled car accompanied by a driving instructor who helped me navigate the track and gave me the best driving advice ever. Just point the car where you want it to go and don't die.
This may sound flippant, but losing my sight kind of improved my life. Not only did I get a bunch of new hobbies, I think I became a better mum. I start missing my daughter's school plays, I started giving her proper long hugs, and I even started noticing little things about her, like how she holds my hand differently when she's happy and when she's sad about something. To be clear, I wouldn't wish suddenly going blind on anyone, but it gave me breathing space to re-evaluate the life I was living and make changes. So don't feel sorry for me. I'm actually doing great.
So what's the situation with the new cat? Is it getting here today, tomorrow, or... |
cracked | how_the_internet_turns_your_mugshot_into_a_creepy_business_cracked_explains | Hello, I'm Daniel O'Brien, the creative director of video at crack.com, author of books and guy who so far hasn't been convicted of any crime Though not for lack of trying. If you're an adult American There's a 33% chance that you've been arrested and if you've been arrested in the past decade someone official likely took your picture It's this cute thing we do and if that happened to you There's a good chance that that picture your mugshot is currently on display in the virtual rogues gallery we call the internet Police stations take pictures of people who get arrested. That's true The internet exists and is terrible and that's also true. The combination of these three truths bring us to the terrible present with Mugshot websites. Mugshot websites scrape police and sheriff databases and republish all their booking photos It's kind of a cottage industry that's popped up Thanks to cheap domain registration and liberal state sunshine laws laws of each state that govern public access to government records If you've got decent coding skills and a tolerance for ethical gray areas you too can throw together a website that aggregates snapshots of Humiliation the site owners justify all this by citing public safety claiming that by publishing booking photos They're ensuring greater transparency with law enforcement and somehow providing criminal justice through Synergy or as Arthur D'Antonio the third owner of just mugshots comm put it to a Southern California radio host So our value really is for the greater public to be able to access this stuff Much of what we have on our site You'd actually have to go to the courthouse or request the information in person And so that that's kind of the value proposition that we feel we provide.
Yeah Value do we have a clip? We have a clip of that greater public value that's been provided. Ah There it is.
The internet was a mistake anyway Any alleged benefit that we as a society could get from the free publication of mugshot photos is far outweighed by the sheer amount of damage they do Even if your charges were dropped a single photo of your arrest has the power to destroy relationships good will with your landlord and job prospects Well with one notable exception But booking photos don't tell the whole story for one thing clerical error leads to wrongful arrest all the time or Consider the 1.2 million people arrested on drug charges each year on the strength of cheap field tests that have been shown to give false Positives up to a third of the time and then charges just get dismissed Not every arrest leads to conviction and having a mugshot doesn't make a person a monster you and I know that right now But you and I knowing that doesn't change the internet and doesn't change the fact that an easily google mugshot is an easily Googleable mugshot and if someone says my name is X and I'd like a job or a loan You will be suspicious if you google X and immediately see a mugshot being arrested at all carries the kind of stigma that drives down income level and adds another barrier to homeownership if you've yet to finish college or even high school when you get booked your chance of doing So suddenly takes a dive mugshots lack context take will a mugshot having person we actually talked to he was arrested five times in A two-year period each time while in the throes of a mental health crisis I was only vaguely aware that I was being arrested The first thing that I thought of when I arrived at the jail was that I was on a time machine I just remember I I endured an enormous ordeal I remember going to jail and having the people in the jail say you again Because I've been arrested about four times in a week. He's doing well now His charges were all eventually dismissed and I Daniel O'Brien would trust him to watch my beloved dog Just try telling that to the internet in total 30 different mugshot websites displayed his booking photos 74 times not a single one of those websites mentioned that his charges had been dropped why because public humiliation is a cash cow Of the 30 websites where will found his mugshot for charge removal fees in excess of $100 per mugshot one charge a jaw dropping $399 for single removal because I guess they thought a clean 400 would have been outrageous and there were other sites and services that charge Different rates now I would never be so cruel as to force anyone to do research or math So I've done it for you in total if will wanted to scrape every instance of his mugshot from the internet and decided to pay Up at all the websites that required it. He would have been out $1,393 I don't want to repeat myself too much here But that's $1,393 that someone who hasn't been convicted of a single crime Would have to pay to get their booking photo removed from the internet a person in the middle of a mental health crisis who was Trying to have the pictures removed because its existence was hurting their ability to get a job And if will did decide to throw money at the problem He most likely would have had to do it through Bitcoin or another alternative method after the New York Times reached out to payment processors like PayPal Visa Discover and American Express asking about their complicity in what is essentially extortion all those companies agreed to drop mugshot websites as clients on Ethical grounds if you pay me, I will do the right thing ethically let that sink in for a moment But will decided not to pay he decided to tackle the problem on his own because he's lucky to live in one of the 12 states With some kind of mugshot related law on the books, and it's gone. Well Kind of under Oregon law Mugshot websites are required to remove your booking photo at your request if you can prove your charges have been dismissed and they have to Do it within 30 days for free But as mugshot Barry of PDX mugshots comm was only too happy to point out that only works on websites that charge for removal or rather That blatantly charge for remove turns out there's more than one way to turn other people's arrests into profits There's advertising which is PDX mugshots game could have a fallback revenue model when your customer base tends to be short on cash because their arrest details are so public that it's hard for them to find decent jobs 12 of the sites that ran wheels mugshot offered to Sell his background report to him or anyone else who was interested one site bizarrely Offered to sell his original mugshots at a dollar 99 a pop for like scrapbooking I guess after two months will was able to get some of his mugshots removed from 21 different websites That's two months once again, but nine sites still haven't butched one site has yet to respond in any way You're a normal human So I know what you're thinking you're thinking if he did nothing wrong and the law exists everything should be fine Well, why don't we take a big breath together with the law on his side? Will could resubmit all his requests via certified mail wait 30 days make a list of all those who didn't respond probably lawyer up then Argue that by stonewalling him those sites and their owners are engaging an unlawful trade practice in a state of Oregon under state law He could eventually collect damages most of which would just cover attorneys fees with very little leftover to make up for the lost earning Power of having his mugshot hovering out there for all to see ladies and gentlemen America but you know, he shouldn't have to also It is notoriously difficult to track down the actual owners of these sites almost all of them make their domain registration info private and some Don't even bother to provide a valid email address consider what the team at fusion went through trying to trace the owner of mugshots Com earlier this year on their website. They say they're owned and operated by julkey sudessa in Nevis West Indies I searched domain registrations corporate filings court records and couldn't find any company by that name I did find that the website was registered in Belize So let me get this straight mugshots.com is owned by a company with a Finnish name Incorporated in Nevis West Indies and registered in Belize punchline It's actually operated from Florida most of the websites will dealt with work quite that shady Some of them were actually quite responsive It quickly became clear that the entire industry without exception is incestuous like a big network connected by Subterranean Lovecraftian tentacles take the dozen of seemingly unaffiliated websites that replied to wills removal request with identical emails and which appear to employ The same customer service rep identical serial numbers in wills mugshot URLs indicated that these 12 sites were using the same photo database Court records from a class-action lawsuit show that these two are owned by the same guy and that another guy owns these you get the idea It makes sense from a business perspective set up as many mugshot websites as possible cross post the hell out of each mugshot profit sidebar I think the ease and understanding with which we employ it makes sense from a business perspective These days is deeply troubling because it implies on our part a task complicity in a system where practices that we all acknowledge To be inherently unfair and morally bankrupt are okay because business as a concept exists in a separate plane divorce from any sense of decency We're making the most money at the fastest pace and most consistent rate trumps literally everything else But that's not the point of this episode.
So end of sidebar, but Think about it. Anyway, that's one thousand three hundred ninety three dollars estimate.
We mentioned earlier that was on the low side There's another industry that profits from a rest-related embarrassment online reputation management These guys promise to do the dirty work for you. Why not just take the DIY approach yourself It's cheaper and there's nothing esoteric about what these companies promise to do take internet reputation comms method step one Identify images and information that you need removed. Well, that's just masturbatory deep googling Maybe with an Excel spreadsheet in the mix easy and step three looks intimidating De-indexing residual links from search engines sounds like a battle of will between man and machine But in fact, it simply means telling Google to purge dead links that used to point to where your mugshot was quick copy and paste Not exactly a trade secret But step two is where this whole snake like industry starts to gorge on its own tail to the point of asphyxiation Because they are basically two proven techniques sites like these use one Many are owned by the same people who own many of the major mugshot websites Yeah, it's pretty easy for them to eliminate negative information They probably use the same login in most cases. It's tough to prove this connection Here's an example when will sent a removal request to County jail calm He almost immediately received an unsolicited email from a race mugshots calm offering him a complete removal solution Race mugshots claimed to have acquired Will's email address by purchasing leads through a third party But when you click on the remove your online information button on County jail calm It redirects you to this unprompted erase mugshots calm sense another email this one with a cost estimate They promised to make every single one of Will's mugshots disappear in seven days for a one-time fee of and if you appreciate fun Physical bits this would be a good time to start sipping a drink so that you can then comically spit out $8,650 that's about two hundred thirty four dollars per link which is higher than many of these websites charge directly But with a complete removal solution like this one you're not just paying the individual removal costs You're also paying for erase mugshots connections So that's one proven technique The other is that many reputation management websites have sweetheart deals with the mugshot websites They aren't owned by in a 2013 interview with wired arrests org owner Rob Wigan explained how he provided one reputation management company with a special URL it could use to automatically remove any mugshot for only $9.95 per request We can verify that this is Common industry practice all of this demonstrates that mugshot websites even the ones that don't blatantly charge for removal have a lot of Incentive to make removals as difficult as possible Allowing them to keep your info up until you hire a supposed middleman to ask for you gouging customers to fill a need you yourself created What does this remind me of and we merchants have found?
You really should have some round-the-clock security here. Isn't that what the police are for they do their best, but they got their hands full How do you think corporate would feel if for the sake of argument? Someone throw a brick through your window. What if god forbid it wasn't just vandalism What if an employee even the managers say was assaulted? Right the mob the subtle threatening dealings of the American Mafia is what remind me of it so obvious I don't know why I blanked but even if every single motion website stuck to clean business practices. There's another problem here There's a civil rights argument for making mugshots public record It keeps you from getting disappeared by a shady police state mugshots are a necessary evil of an open justice system But there's a difference between booking information popping up on a background check and it being volunteered on the first page of your search Results data scientist Hilary Mason suggests the checks and balances value of some friction and cost to getting a booking photos so that it's no longer Economically feasible to run these sorts of aggregated extortion sites You know like making someone to physically go to the police station to submit a request for this information Rather than just drawing on the endless data dump most law enforcement agencies offer for free because imagine if any black marks on say Your credit report came up whenever someone googled you they don't they come up on credit reports You consent to in a centralized database where if you find a mistake you have a fighting chance of correcting it After all this Willis had a 55% success rate getting his mugshots removed But this is in a state where lawmakers have weighed in to say that profiteering from someone's brush with the law Regardless of outcome is not okay Only another eight states are even considering that idea on a formal level a lot of critics throw their hands in the air and say That fighting the Titans of mugshot publishing at this stage in the game is like trying to put the genie back in the bottle That's simply not true law enforcement agencies take this information down within days of arrest There's only a finite number of places where this information pops up And if you can compel site owners to remove your information and occasionally nudge Google to de-index those old links It is quite possible to return your online presence to its pre-arrest purity But there's more money in telling people it's futile and there is money to be made by discouraging people with less tenacity energy Or time you know people who might be a bit gun-shy about the court system Which is likely most people whose mugshot is in wide circulation But it's okay because it's just business Hey everyone, thank you for watching this I know it was long and light on jokes But it's an important subject that we care about here at the site Saunter Sorensen has another article about the same subject on crack We'll put a link down there so you can check it out and see if you can write your congressmen Go to your congressmen's websites and like and subscribe and comment about how they should fix the government And also like and subscribe to our channel and tell us how to fix our government |
cracked | the_movie_siskel_and_ebert_called_the_worst_comedy_ever_made | It's time for a pop quiz. What's up guys? What movie did critic Gene Siskel call the worst movie of 1992? I'll give you another hint. Siskel's partner in criticism Roger Ebert called this perhaps the worst comedy movie ever made. Sorry, we were looking for Frozen Assets, a movie you've definitely never heard of. It stars Corbin Burnson and Shelley Long, two of the 80s most popular sitcom stars.
It's about a man getting hired to run a bank, which turns out to be a sperm bank. Polarity ensues. What is this? We don't care. Out of the mill, nothing out of the ordinary sperm bank.
Now Siskel went on to say, I don't think I can adequately describe to you how unpleasant the remaining 95 minutes were. And Ebert said, you know the theory of reincarnation where the dues we pay in this lifetime we may get to collect in another lifetime? For having seen this movie, I want months and months and months in a beautiful valley with honey and nectar and zephyr-like breezes. Hope he's there now. |
cracked | how_flawed_drug_testing_can_ruin_your_life | Hold on, do I hear pot? Okay, just a second there chief. Oh thank god, are you a lawyer? Or a vigilante?
Uh, no. I'm a drug chemist. I work out of a government lab. I'm an expert in drug testing. Well so am I! I test for drugs every single day!
Yeah, funny thing about that. You sometimes hear these stories about someone fired because a drug test said they were on heroin when they actually just ate a poppy seed bagel. As if a poppy seed bagel with a side of heroin wouldn't make for a delicious breakfast, but whatever. Assuming they weren't mixing breakfast items with hard drugs, the issue with the drug test isn't that science is totally stumped when it comes to testing drugs.
The issue is that these tests aren't really drug tests at all. Think of them as pre-tests. They spot the presence of a class of drugs, but they're never meant to actually test for the drugs themselves. Instead, they're supposed to tell us which test to run next. And sometimes, no one runs that next test. Well, one test sounds like more than enough to me. The boss says I'm out here for convictions, not exonerations. Okay, but that $2 kit you're using isn't going to tell us anything for sure. I've seen screen tests like that flag ibuprofen as marijuana. Yeah, well I just tested a can in this guy's car and this thing said it's meth, so case closed. I've actually seen that exact thing happen only for later tests to show it was Adderall or Sudafed. Let's actually do a second specific test and see what the substance really is.
The substance is kitty litter. It's kitty litter and the cop's test said it was meth.
That's not a joke. That's a thing that my lab really detected one time. I am so glad I didn't try to smoke it.
Next up, a defendant whose house cops raided and found 7 kilos of cocaine. Good God! That's a lot, but keep in mind, the way the law works, that number includes all the coke as well as everything the drug is cut with. If that's 7 kilos of pure cocaine, he gets 10 to 99 years. If it's 7 kilos of caffeine mixed with a tiny thimble of cocaine, same sentence. You made 7 whole ass kilos of cocaine under the law and sometimes that kind of makes sense, but other times it's just nuts.
Take the following example based on a real case. You're prescribed Percocet for an injury and you keep taking it afterward because Percocet is addictive. Please catch you with 10 tablets. Each contains 10 milligrams of Oxy plus 650 milligrams of other totally legal stuff. But you're going to be charged as though the entire thing is an opium derivative like you were carrying 6.6 grams of pure heroin. You get a minimum sentence of 70 months plus a fine of $50,000. You get caught with 38 tablets, you now get over 18 years in prison and a $500,000 fine minimum.
And what's this here? A bag of pills? Marijuana pills? It's Xanax. Yeah, we'll see about that. These pills are just inert fillers. Turns out they're fake Xanax.
But apparently this was a reused bag because the test also detected a few nano-specs of heroin in there. That means, under the law, this is 2 grams of heroin. So guess what that guy's being charged with? It's a slippery slope from nano-specs of heroin sprinkled on your fake anxiety medication to becoming the second coming of Pablo Escobar. But it's not just the hardest, craziest drugs that get this much scrutiny. Marijuana's become more and more legal nationwide and yet cops still have us exhaustively analyzing every suspected marijuana sample even if the drug's legal in the next state. It's somehow still a DEA Schedule 1 controlled substance, which makes no sense.
You said you wanted a brownie? Right, but is that a pot brownie or a THC brownie? That's kind of a dumb question. It makes a huge difference. THC, the psychoactive compound in cannabis, is categorized differently from marijuana and carries a different sentence. If I have to test a brownie, I dig in for microscopic traces of cannabis plant because the penalty changes depending on if they can confirm the THC came from cannabis itself. Huh, yet another suspicious baggie. This is THC candy, right?
Uh-uh. Do I have to answer that? Test this, will ya?
That's 450 grams of candy. So if we charge that guy with 450 grams of THC, he gets 5 to 99 years. But here's where those aggregate weight laws can actually help a defendant. See, I also spotted some green leafy material in the bag, so now he's instead charged with 15.75 ounces of marijuana possession, which is actually a lower state jail felony.
Wait, that one? I don't get that one. That one doesn't make sense.
Hey, you're telling me. So I'm supposed to give a urine sample, and my pockets are empty, so you can see that I'm not carrying any piss in a bottle. Right, there's a cup behind the screen. Cool. You're not gonna stick anything up my asshole first, right? To see if I've stashed a bottle of fake whiz up there to pour it to a cup? Uh, no. That's not procedure. Nice. Uh, gotta go, bye! That actually happened to me once.
People go to crazy lengths to beat urine tests, so we always have to be prepared for fraud. We know all the usual tricks, adding bleach, toilet water, using apple juice, bringing someone else's room temperature pee. There's even fake urine made specifically to fool labs.
You can buy entire slot buckets of the stuff online or in smoke shops. And also sex shops.
This is for novelty use only. Meaning what? People spray it on each other for fun? Maybe.
I'll take every brand you have. Well, she sounds like a very lucky lady. Or a lucky man. Or a lucky department store mannequin.
Or- Over the years, I've tested them all. It's easy to use hand warmers to make sure your thick, ropey piss is the correct amount of hotness. They're usually the right color, pH, specific gravity, the oxidant test, the creatine test, they pass in every category. These work as not officially advertised. But I still knew it was fake, so I needed to figure out a test that can defeat them. I got it! I used Ehrlich's Regent, which tests for urobilinogen, a pee compound you can't store for long and can't synthesize cheaply. Not one of these fake urines came up positive for it, but real urine always does. Now if you'll excuse me, even if I can tell the difference between fake pee and the real deal, my swingers group cannot. |
CrackerMilk | why_we_fired_elias_crackermilk_podcast | Hey Char, I just wanted to, I just wanted to address that, that Elias Trantu is strong. Hey Char! Hey, hey, hey. Why didn't you find me back, man?
He's pretty funny, that cat. He hates Mondays. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he hates Mondays.
Meow! I can't feel the cat, meow!
Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the Cracker Milk podcast, where we take your YouTube comments and turn them into improvised ideas. So if you want us to do something or to perform something, leave a comment, we will literally do anything. Last week we took a comment that was completely irrelevant and turned it into something. So be sure to find the full version of this podcast from 40 to 60 minutes on our Patreon, where you can listen to all the uncut stuff that's too rude for YouTube.
Also I have Thrush. A world where people die when they turn 18. Okay guys, guess what? It's my birthday coming up.
Oh boy! Yeah. Oh boy! That's sick, man. Oh, how old are you turning? 18. Oh no. Oh boy.
That's really bad. That's not good.
It's when you turn 18. Yeah, thank you so much, Steven. I don't need to hear it from you. Yeah, well I'm actually like, like I was, I was held back at school. So like.
How many years? 18 years. 18 years.
Yeah, I'm 35. I don't know how it all works, but whatever mystic being kills us when we turn 18, I think they're only like, once you leave school, then they start, they start killing. So some sort of protection. How old are you? How old am I? Yeah. I'm like, fucking, you know, the hell out of no, you know, over 18.
I don't know. What do you mean? I don't know. I don't fucking count, man.
Yeah. He's never left school. I've never fucking left school, man. So you guys have just stayed in school? Yeah.
I'd really appreciate it if you told me this earlier, I'm going to die tonight. Yeah, it sucks, man. Yeah, it sucks for you, bro. It's like you should have fucking figured it out earlier, man.
Should have stayed in school, man. Should have stayed in school. Shouldn't have, shouldn't have passed that class.
Okay, enough. Why are you making, I'm going to die. Yeah. I'm just, I'm just like letting you realise that you're going to fucking die tonight. Stupid nerd. When the clock strikes midnight, you're fucking, boom, you're dead, man. You're fucking out of here, man. That's awful, dude. You guys are going to live and you're mocking me. I'm not mocking you, man. I'm just trying to fucking get you to like realise that as soon as that fucking, as you might be sleeping, you might be awake. I don't know what's going to happen, but as soon as that fucking, boom, you're dead.
What do I do? I don't know. What do you want to do, man? Live?
It's the last day of your life, man. Well, that's too bad. It's the last fucking day of your life, man. Live every day like it's the last day of your life, especially for you right now, If you actually want to live, because we're still in school, you actually want to live, then you got to fuck up. You got to fuck up in school.
Yeah. You know that assignment that you got to hand in tonight, man? That's worth like 70% of your mark. The essay on the importance of...
Like cancer research. Yeah, the cancer. I actually had a breakthrough, which was going to be my... A breakthrough in your cancer research, your grade 12 assignment.
Yeah. It was going to be my final piece. Yeah. It was. Yeah. I know it was going to be your final piece.
What's funny is it was, I'm pretty sure it was going to save thousands. So you're telling me I have the choice right now to save millions of lives or let myself... I've already torn it up. I've torn up the essay.
Yeah. Look, dude, you should... Fuck that. It's fucking... Yeah, dude. That's exactly what I did. That's their fucking problem. You know? It is. Everyone's fucking under 18 anyway. Yeah.
So if they've got, if they've got fucking cancer, well, it's clearly, clearly you piss something off in your other life. I'm fucking proud of you, brother. You should, you should be like me.
Did you just try and hit me? No, no, no. I was just trying to like... Cut the improv bit for a sec, guys. Did you just try and hit me? No, I was just trying to shake your hand, man. Did you just try and strike me? No, of course I didn't.
Can we roll the replay?
I'm fucking proud of you, brother. Holy fuck. What the fuck was that? Why did you do that, dude? I'm sorry. I just...
Can we get HR in? HR. I just wanted to, I just wanted to address that, that Elias tried to... Strong. HR.
Elias hit me, tried to hit me and I just wanted you to sort that out. Oh, you tried to hit him. Mate. Oh, you tried to fight me back. He could, couldn't he?
He couldn't fight me back. Why didn't you fight me back, man?
When I was graduating, I had the cure for this whole disease when people turned 18. You had the album. You had the album by the cure? Yeah, I had the album by the cure, which if I played that, if you listen to that album before you turn 18, don't die. Sounds like a load of shit to be honest. You don't listen to the album, man? I still have a copy of it. Yeah, I do like the cure.
Yeah. Well, too bad you got a fucking diamond. I'm in school. I've written my essays. Why? Yeah, but he actually listened to the cure album. That's actually the reason. You know what else I did? What? Well, to, not only to stay in school, I had to like fuck up at home as well. Yeah.
So if you fuck up at home, then they go, oh, we can't just send him home, wait for school. He's got to stay in school.
So I bombed my house. I threw a big, I threw a big petrol bomb through my front window and, um, and locked the door from the outside. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's back up. Did you also bomb your family's house?
Dude, I have this jug of, I have this jug of Kool-Aid here. Oh yeah. You went with the Kool-Aid route, yeah. The Kool-Aid route? Yeah. What do you mean? What is that? Kool-Aid. It's a drink. Yeah. So what did you do with the jug of Kool-Aid? I like made everyone a batch of Kool-Aid.
And then what happened? You then bombed his house. I fucking bombed my house dude. See they thought they were safe because they were drinking Kool-Aid and then like, cause it like cools them down. Right? Why didn't you just poison the Kool-Aid? Fucking coward way out, bro. You'll be fucking dude, blast that shit up, man, fucking cool guys look at explosions. You blew up your, your family homes and then did horrible shit at school. And instead of going to juvenile hall or prison, they've just kept you in school.
Yeah. Everyone that's like alive is like under 18. Right. So the legal system is quite, yeah. And I'm 35. I see. Um, okay.
So it looks like I, I don't think I can, I'm capable of bombing my family. I don't think.
Well, it looks like you're going to fucking, that's going to be your fucking body as soon as that tick tick. Why do you have to get, why do you have to get so aggressive about it? Cause you're going to fucking die, man. As a scary man, you're going to fucking die, man. You're spooked. You're going to, you're spooked. You're going to die. You're going to never open up your eyes again, go to sleep and never wake up again, man. You're going to piss your pants. You're going to shit yourself when you die, man. You're going to fucking fart.
Not only. Why did you sound like you were going to enjoy that if I was going to fart? Maybe I'd be around when you die, man. I get that last whiff of death. Life. Not only do you have- HR! Um, okay. Tell you what, go on.
This is the last thing you have to do to make sure that you don't leave the school. And that's that you have to prank the Dean. How do we prank the- Bomb his head.
Bomb his parents' house. She's parents' house.
Yeah. Okay. So I'll bomb my parents, okay? Can you chuck me a petrol bomb, please? Sure, man. Okay. Thank you. All right. Here we go.
Oh, the clock struck midnight. Oh, no. We gave him too many tasks. He ran out of time.
Ah, gee willikers. Yeah, he definitely farted. That's a fucking- That's some good life essence right there. Oh. This is from Hamster To You.
You have to do the adventures of Lava Shark and Boy Girl. Oh, yay, Lava Shark and Boy Girl. I need your help in my kingdom. Oh, what's going on? I'm Lava Shark. Oh, that must mean you're Boy Girl. I'm Boy Girl. Yeah. I'm a fucking- I'm a shark made of lava, baby.
And it is torture. It is fucking torture. Let me tell you.
It's scalding hot. Scalding hot.
What do you breathe? Do you still breathe like water? Water?
But you're lava. Yeah. Think about that. So if I put water on you, does it turn to rock and you're able to- It just steams up, man. It's fucking hot all the time. I'm a fucking shark made of lava and it's shit is what I'm trying to get across. You know, if you got lava and water put in together, you get obsidian.
Anyway, I need some help, guys. Yeah, what's going on? I've got a farm just behind me here. Yeah. And I've got a whole bunch of hay bales that need to get moved. Do you think you guys could help me with that? Yeah.
Well, I'm not sure who this is. I've never met this man.
Oh, I'm Boy Girl. Oh, what's your thing? Hey, Boy Girl. My thing? Yeah.
What do you mean?
Why do they call you Boy Girl? You're like a superpower. Why do they call me Boy Girl?
Yeah. Well, because I'm a boy and a girl. At once? Yeah. Okay. All right.
So I've got like half of everything. And I've got one nut, but I've also got one entrance to the farm. Like it's a secret entrance that I've got. That's my thing. I'm really good at it. Are you following anything that you're saying?
I'm just thinking about killing myself because I am a lava shark. I can see you're dripping. It's fucking torture. That outfit is dripping. I am tired. You make me uncomfortable. You can eat like raw stuff and it'll like cook.
I'm sorry.
Did you study the biology of fucking me? Of me? Because I'm the only one that exists and I haven't met you and you're telling me what I can eat. Can I ask you something?
Yeah. What's up? Kind of personal. That tip. Yeah. Does it produce, do you lactate? Do you produce milk? Of course I do. Yeah. When you are not pregnant? Yeah. Can you get pregnant? Yeah. Have you been pregnant? That's a really personal question. Do you do it yourself? Of course I do.
So no one comes near you? You and I are pretty similar boy girl. We got some similarities going on. That's why we're the perfect team. Yeah. We're a great team. So you're both loner cunts?
Whoa. That's a bit harsh. Yeah. That's harsh.
You're asking us for help and now you're calling us loner cunts. Sorry. As a farmer out here in the bush, I'm a loner too. Well I was going to say we could help you with the hay bales but I did have this plan to plant this IED in a local bank and blow the safe and take all the money. I can't do anything with it because if I touch the money, my lava fins will melt it.
Oh, I've got hands. Oh, and you can reproduce yourself. I can multiple times. That is actually my second superpower. I can reproduce myself at will. Do you lay eggs? Of course. Yeah. I lay multiple. I'm kind of similar to you in that way.
I don't produce eggs at all. You don't? Nah. Where did I read that? Well, no, I normally would but my cloaca is sealed shut due to the molten. Oh, did someone pour water on your cloaca and it turned into obsidian?
Yeah. Oh, sealed up. It's sealed up. It happened to my brother actually. Oh, really? Yeah. You're brother's cloaca. Yeah, he died.
Are you mocking me farmer? No. Because I'm a shark. No, I would never mock a shark. No.
Sharks are dangerous. They're very dangerous, especially lava sharks.
Yeah. I hate myself because I fucking hate myself. We actually, a kid down at the local beach, he was mauled by a shark. That was me. So we culled all the sharks. That was me actually. Oh. I dipped pretty quick and they took the heat. It was pretty funny. So you're responsible for the murder, the vicious murder of about 2,000 of your species? Yeah, it was pretty quick. I didn't need to eat the kid but I had just found a whale carcass and thought to myself, yeah, I'll have a feed. And then I just saw this kid and- A little bit more. And it had red hair and I was like, fucking piece of shit. Just tossed him to the fucking, just tossed him to the fucking rocks where, and you guys don't know about this, where our Loch Ness, we took him down, you don't know about that.
Let's just keep it on the down low. Keep it on the down low. What? Keep it on the down low.
We're not going to talk about that. We don't talk about Loch Ness, okay? No, don't. Guys, don't.
Absolutely. Scooby-Doo and Shaggy get lost in the jungle and join a cannibal tribe to satisfy their immense hunger. Oh, Ruh-Ro-Raggy, I'm really hungry. What are you hungry for, Scoob? Really? Just anything.
A man and his dog on the, on the beach?
Holy fuck. That's a man, Shaggy. That's a fucking man. That's a man indeed it is, Scoob.
I'd read his resticles if I could. You'd read his- I'd read up his asshole if I could. Oh, Scooby, you're so funny. Let's fucking eat him.
Hey! Come over here! Come on!
You got a monster? You want to pet my dog? Come pet me, I'm a dog. Your dog is talking? Your dog talks? Yeah, that's Scooby-Doo, man.
I've been on this island for three years just trying to find humans. Three years? I've never seen you on this island before. I've been here for like three weeks, man.
Yeah, we got stranded on this island. It fucking sucks, man. Me too. So long ago. Oh, do you have a way off this island? I was reeling Bristol Wreath on the mainland and then we got washed up here.
Yeah, we got kicked off. Kicked off civilization.
Yeah. You guys look familiar.
I really want you to ratchet my ras, man. I really want you to ratchet my ras. Can you ratchet my ras? You like to scratch your ass? I really want you to ratchet my ras.
Okay, Scoob. I can scratch your ass. That's a- What the fuck, cunt? Don't fucking touch my ass. Why'd you do that? You told me to fucking scratch your ass.
No, I said catch the grass that I'm throwing at you that we can use to make a fire. Oh, definitely not seasoning. What have you been eating here, man?
Yeah. Mostly berries. You're looking pretty plump. You look pretty plump. Plump? Do I? Yeah. You look like you could be a good Scooby snack, man.
You know about them? You guys do look familiar. You look familiar.
Yeah, well, I'm a fucking dog, so there's quite a few of us and we all look the same. I'm a fucking dude and there's a lot of dudes out there. There's a lot of dudes.
Well, what are your names? Don't tell him our real names. Yeah, okay. I'm Scoob. And my name's Shaggy. I had it mixed up. You guys look just like the mystery team, but it couldn't be because the guy with the green shirt was called Shaggy and the dog was called Scooby.
I heard that they're no longer around. I heard that Scooby mauled Scrappy to death and that's why Shaggy and Scooby got exiled to the island. I mean, I heard they tasted really good as well when they died.
Shut the fuck up. So do you think they're on this island with us? Definitely not anymore.
Wait, do you have like a big pot a person could fit in? Like a big cauldron? Like a big cartoonishly large cauldron around?
I feel like I heard you guys say you wanted to eat me. What the fuck, bro? We don't want to fucking eat you, man. We want to fucking devour you.
Yeah, he's right. Did you know we're actually Scoob, you and Shaggy? Yes. Yeah, I thought you'd know. That was us. Oh, so you're not Shaggy. No, we're famous, bro. We're famous. Do you know what that means?
You could hang out with famous cards. Do you want to hang out with famous guys?
I could see Velma. Yeah, she's hot. You know what's funny is that Un-Eto sweater, Un-Eto sweater, she's just orange. She's all orange. Like a big Cheeto.
Yeah, get in the fucking cauldron. Get in the fucking cauldron. Okay, anything to meet Velma.
You know when we got exiled from the fucking mainland, man? I mauled Scrappy at fucking Tory's throwout little shit. We're fucking cannibals, man.
I'm going to eat you up. I'm going to eat your fucking plump little body, man. I'm going to eat that fucking plump body.
Shaggy, take it fucking easy. Can you control your owner? I don't like this guy. You need to take it easy.
I'm fucking hungry, man. I'm sorry. It's sometimes like, you know, I'm not me when I'm hungry and I've been on this island for three weeks and we've only eaten the other mystery men. You know what you need? You need a Snickers, mate. You're not you and you're hungry. There's actually a convenience store on this island full of Snickers. Blind person gets sight back that can now see your thoughts.
And that's from acridine333. Guys. Yeah, what's up?
I feel like I can. Oh my God. For the first time ever, I can see. Blind Connor, you can see. I can see. Oh my God.
What do we call you now? Blind Connor is my name, legally. Legally is still like written on the... You can call me Blind Connor. It's fine. Hey, Blind Connor.
What the fuck did you call me, cunt? Wait, can you just... Don't touch...
Oh! Oh my God! Dude, what the hell?
Sorry, I thought you were still blind. Oh, that hurts. I'm not blind. Is that what you do to old people who can't see? Just bless them?
They don't know what's going to happen, who it was. They do know what's going to happen actually. They do know what's going to happen.
What do you mean? What was that you just did with your fingers against your temple? Yeah, what was that?
I have a headache. I'm rubbing the side of my head. Can I rub the side of your head?
Are you getting turned on by this? Why do you want to touch this, man? Are you getting turned on by this?
Are you? What do you think? Yuck, dude! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
How do you know that, cunt? How do you know that? I didn't say anything.
Well, for one, I can now read your minds, but also you have a massive erection. Yeah, it is the stiffy that's giving it away. It's a massive erection. It is pretty massive, that erection.
Stop visualising me like that. It's upsetting. What do you mean? Are you looking in his brain, cunt? You've never seen yourself though, so it's like kind of helping you out, right? No, he's fucking...
I tell you what he wants to do to me. He wants to fucking take me to a dirty motel and he wants to fucking keep me clothed and he wants me to watch him. I don't like the way you're looking at me. He wants me to watch him play fucking Super Mario 64 naked and I don't know why. Well, now he's put his underwear back on, okay?
And now he's doing a little dance and he's smiling at me like that. A little dance? Can you walk sort of a little dance?
Yeah, that's pretty spot on. And the police have just shown up and the police are coming in and they're strippers. Oh no, they're stripper police but they have the legal right to search. Oh no, they're federal officers naked and they're coming in and they're strip searching him and one's got their hand in me, in me and he's pulled out a little baggie out of me and the baggie is full to the brim of Garfield comics. Wow. That's what you're into. I swear. You can see that he's paid already for the stripper federal police.
He's looking, thinking about the receipts, he's thinking about using it as a tax deduction on his business. So has this happened already or is this something that's going to happen? I think it's planning. He's thinking about how it's happening tonight. He wants it to happen tonight at 7pm and how the fuck did you already put the baggie full of Garfield comics in me?
How did you do that? Play the cameras back. Look at the red circle. There it is.
Garfield comics. Oh my god. Bro, what the fuck, dude? Why are these in me? I just wanted to have a little bit of fun with you guys, you know? To be honest, I'd be keen to read a couple issues.
He's a funny little fella. He's pretty funny that cat.
He hates Mondays. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he hates Mondays.
Meow! And Garfield the cat! Meow!
Thanks for listening to another episode of the Crackin' Milk podcast. If you want to leave your improv suggestion, comment below. Every comment fucking helps. If you want to listen to this off of YouTube, Spotify, iTunes, Apple Music, I don't know. It's all there, okay?
Have a listen. Have a gander. Have a big ol' bloody listen to that, wouldn't ya? Shh. Can you hear that? Listen to that.
Do the Americans even know that Fama wants a wife? They will now, cunt. Oh my god. Um, Fama wants a wife.
Does it have a theme song in it? It's a fop. This is the theme song.
Fama wants a wife. Yeah, the farmer wants a wife. He's gonna farm that hay bale and his cows and then he's gonna get a wife. |
dropout | seth_macfarlane_s_rejected_pitches_with_mark_wahlberg | Hi, I'm Seth MacFarlane, director of the new movie Ted, starring Mark Wahlberg and a talking teddy bear. You know, I've been trying to get a movie off the ground for years starring a famous person who has a best friend who's a sentient object, but they don't always go over. Here are some of the ideas that the studio's rejected. Channing Tatum in a stuffed giraffe, Jason Schwartzman in a taxidermy moose, Tim Allen and an old raincoat, Denzel Washington and a plumb, Willem Dafoe in a flat tire, Liam Neeson in a baseball card, Christian Bale in a gumball machine with an attitude, Ben Kingsley in a Tamagotchi that will not shut down and will not shut up, Jimin Hansu in a diamond ginsu, Jeff Bridges' father comes back to life as a burrito in Like Burrito, Like Son, Charlie Ray Jepsen and a patch of onion grass. This came from a deeply personal place. Peter Dinklage and a Sega Dreamcast.
This one was just to pay the bills. You know what they say. One for you, one for them.
Kelsey Grammer and a bowl of shredded coconut. Will it go? Maybe a whole coconut will satisfy you. That's the voice. The coconut.
Huck from the real world and a muffler. This is such a great idea. I don't even know what to say except Harvey Weinstein, come on, put down the fork and make this movie. Charlie Rose and an inhaler.
I'm really pissed off at you, Charles. Maya Angelou and a rubber ducky. I'm really pissed off at you, Maya.
It's the same voice just in case I don't buy the other one. Then, you know, like the Indian, we waste nothing.
I don't know what I was thinking here. Bob Marley and a floppy disk. I know exactly what I was thinking here.
Heath Ledger and a knish. And this one, obviously, we couldn't do because Heath Ledger was allergic. Art Garfunkel and a pecan sandie. This is rated NC-17 for art's very real and un-simulated death scene.
The spirit of Rocky, Chris Brown, and a talking cricket who sounds like Burgess Meredith. And the cricket has to train Chris for his big fight against a woman.
And finally, Jean-Claude Van Damme and a stuffed Jean-Claude Van Damme. He pitched me a whole bunch of ridiculous ideas before we actually settled on the bear. He pitched me about me and an aardvark, me and an albatross, me and an apple, and at some point I realized he was just going through the dictionary. So midway through the bees, I said, dude, let's fuck it, let's just pick a bear, okay? Were these pitches rejected because they were ahead of their time or because I wrote them one night on a muffin wrapper with a fever of 105? No, they were rejected because I pitched them alone, screaming into a quarry. I'm Seth MacFarlane, and I could do this all day. |
dropout | movie_debate | No way! Jurassic Park 2 was so underrated! How could you say that? Jurassic Park 2 is terrible! Not true.
Jeff Goldblum is in it, which is great. And the special effects were phenomenal for the time. Special effects? Name one good special effect in that movie.
Um, the part where the T-Rex attacks San Diego. Alright, uh, yeah, I guess I'll give you that. See, this is the kind of shit we should be talking about. You know this weird go-take-me-to-dinner? All that.
Oops. Defiantly. What? Steep. Shit. Oops. Sorry.
Phone's ringing. Burb. BRB. It's my step-brother. I need to take this. Stop talking.
You're an idiot. I'm an idiot. Amir Blumenfeld is an idiot.
Okay, wow. Uh, I see what's going on. Patrick, why would you agree to this? Amir said he'd pay me $1,453. No, I didn't! I said $1,553. Okay, that's more. Patrick, you fucked me on this! No, I didn't.
Any retard would have stopped reading this by now. You're still reading. This is insane. Patrick, stop! I'm still reading this like an idiot. I'm the biggest idiot in the world. Patrick, stop it!
Jake will never be friends with me. Jake will never like me. Jake will never like me!
Stop! C.H. Patrick has logged off. Come on. |
dropout | the_run_in | Previously on Full Benefits So, are you dating? Or not? Just put nay. I just, I've tried to be with you.
I know, but I was being stupid. Well, you were being stupid, I started seeing Rachel.
So what am I supposed to do now? I guess things are up to you. Hey! Hey, yourself, horsey. Heading to work? Yep. It's 9.30, so that's when we go to work. Are you leaving?
It's a long story. I sat in ketchup. Oh my god. Where is there that much ketchup? It's a crazy part. I'm not even sure when it happened.
But Rachel hates condiments, so it's off to Walmart I go. Okay, good luck with that.
Actually, if you have a minute, I would really love your advice. Right? I mean, not to be dramatic, but I don't really talk anymore. We haven't spoken in like three months. What? Come on, we talk all the time.
I know. Come on, isn't there someone else you can talk to? A greeter at Walmart? Frederick's great, but just not for this. Okay, I know things have been weird, but I don't have anyone else I can turn to. Ugh, you're so good at guilt tripping. Fine, what's up? Okay, I think Rachel is insane. Because of the condiment thing. Who cares? No, it's not that.
Okay, we started hanging out, everything was normal. But the more time I spend with her...
Question, how many bottles of shampoo do you have? I don't know, one, two?
Right. She has literally hundreds. Half the bottles are empty, why doesn't she just throw them out? It's a little weird, but it's not insane. You're not shopped up in her freezer. Okay, how about this? She moved her stuff into my apartment. Okay, like her toothbrush? Like her bed? It gets worse.
She gave me a teddy bear in our first date, and every single date after. She made me a sexy calendar and refused to let me take it down, even when my parents came over. And recently, she's even started dressing like me.
I like that shirt. Thank you. I like those shorts. Thanks. I like that haircut.
Hey! David, you have tomato blood like all over your pants. I know, I'm going to Walmart right now to get a new pair. Grab me a pair too, okay?
Thanks. See you later, guys.
Yeah, she's insane. What's wrong with you? Why haven't you broken up with her yet? I don't know. I'm scared. I don't want to end up in her freezer.
Yeah, I get that. Listen, it's going to be okay. We'll get through this, all right?
Ugh, God, that was so gross. I was like watching you make out with a mirror. Trust me, it was weirder for me. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_220_Jacqui_Lambie_Tammy_Tyrrell | How good is Australia?
There's fucking language. Let there be a thousand blossoms blooms for us. But I ain't spending any time on it. Don't stop wearing the speedos.
You're listening to Decode, the Petuta Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Well, welcome back to Decode, Petuta Advocates' new podcast series aimed at decoding all of the waffle and jargon that we hear coming out of Canberra and out of the think tanks and all of these policy institutes and of all these newspapers that kind of struggled over the last couple of years in remaining accessible to normal Australians.
We had a good run leading into the election. We had about 15 interviews, didn't we, Wendell? Yeah, yeah. They were lining up week to week. It was good. There was one, I guess you could say, golden goose that we couldn't get in contact with leading into the election.
Some say she was playing it a bit safe. Others say she just had more important things to do. But today she's decided, you know, the dust has settled on the federal election. She's doubled up. There's now two of them.
Jackie Lambie, thank you for joining us. And Tammy Tyrrell, thank you for joining us as well.
Are you guys still pissy because we wouldn't talk to you before the election? Honestly, you need to go and die. Leave it up. You were prioritising Tasmanians over a small regional newspaper up here in Central West and Queensland. It's going to get worse, mate. The Prime Minister's taken all my bloody biases off me. I tell you, wait to see what's coming.
We do want to talk about that, but before getting into it, this new political force coming out of Tasmania, the Lambie Network, Tammy Tyrrell has joined you in the Senate. And I just wanted to ask Tammy, from what I can gather, you don't seem to have attended a prestigious college at a sandstone university. You don't seem to have a dad or an uncle or a grandfather who was the Premier of Tasmania or was in Canberra in federal politics before. And you didn't seem to climb the ranks at, you know, one of the major law firms in Sydney or Melbourne. So can you tell us how you got into politics, how you found your way in? Yeah, how did you get into politics without having all that?
I'll give the rest to me. I met this batshit crazy girl about eight years ago, and it all went to hell. I didn't go to college. I went to the school of hard knocks at Alby High School. You know what? Grade seven through to year 10. Then I went to Don College, and apparently I was in the cool common room.
You know how there's a cool part and there's a shit part? I thought I was in the shit part, but apparently not. Apparently not. But you know what? She was in the shit part because I was in the cool part and she was in the shit part. Oh, you were in the shit part.
We went to the same court. I just never went. Well, actually, no, I was registered. But there's a difference actually attending. The attending bit was never good at playing.
Some might say having a career outside of politics, doing a few different things, having a little bit of a different path to Canberra than some of our more traditional politicians in the Liberal and the Labour Party is probably a good thing in a representative democracy. What did drive you to politics? How did you find your way in other than bumping into the batshit crazy woman, your words, not mine, sitting next to you?
Oh, she'll be batshit crazy forever and forever. Look, pretty much everything I've done in this life has been with real people in real time, all the way from pegs weeding the weeds and digging carrots and spuds on a potato harvester even manually. Then I worked in an education place where apprentices, trainees, dealing with kids, mums, dads, helping them get a better life, local government never working work for government. It's crazy. And employment services. So I've always dealt with people on a very down-to-earth level.
And she's danced on pool tables. I have danced on pool tables.
No. Oh, that was me. That was you. I've been passed a few times. I'm that girl that runs from the eight ball table and hides in the toilet. Okay.
Yeah, well, you know, these are skills that we need in Canberra, and these are insights and perspectives that we need down there. You're right. We're dancing on pool tables and bars, mate. I mean, that's where your character grows. You know, we're very down-to-earth. We're very grassroots.
And that's what we're going to bring to Parliament House for two of us because if we're not saying what the people here in Tassie want, they're going to tell us. Like, Uncle Dickie, he'll tell us. Your mum, Sousa, she'll definitely tell us. Like, she's the one that keeps us in line. Everything I've done in real life brought me towards, okay, if I want to make a difference, if I want to make a change and make sure that the mums and dads and kids in the local community actually are heard in their voice, she's pretty loud. But you know what? I'll be the backup singer, and I'll make sure that we're twice as loud.
It's a completely different path you're going in. As much as it's, you know, you're two very similar kind of characters, and what I assume you guys have two very similar sets of beliefs coming from the similar part of the world, you've had to go down a very different path, Jackie.
The last time we met was on the lawns of Parliament House. Tony Abbott was still Prime Minister, your great mate, and we were having a little chitchat because it was the day of the first Liberal spill. We've had, I don't know how many leaders since then.
And at that point, you were effectively, you were on your own. You were kind of making inroads towards what we have now, which is the Lambie Network. But you kind of entered the frame as a part of this super villainous kind of empire of Clive Palmer and his merry gang of conspiracists and all these other kind of, you know, lunatics. But it became very clear early on that you were the real deal. The voters at least told you that several times. I want to know more about your journey, Jackie. I mean, aside from being sacked by the High Court because you didn't know you were a POM, you've managed to level out because you came in in a very different circumstance to the woman sitting next to you. You kind of came in in this big yellow wave. How have you been able to manage in that role and to become Jackie Lambie, as opposed to becoming a senator that, you know, came through with all this yellow? I think, you know, as I've been able to go along, I've just worked it out to a certain degree.
You know, if you don't start with the right advisors to start with, that can work with you as well. So you've got to be really careful on the people who are around you, who you pick to work around you and make sure they're like-minded as well.
Yeah, it was a bit of a shit losing my seat for 20 months. Got to love the Queen for that, and I don't know if you're tied to the Queen anymore. Yeah. And I'll tell you, I'm a big one behind the recovery push, mate. That's what happens when you piss me off.
It's not her fault your dad was Scottish. Yeah, he's Scottish. Very Scottish. Not in the UK. Very big difference there. Not a POM, Scottish.
Yeah. Pretty. That's right.
So yeah, at times it's been quite difficult. You know, I was very like a gentleman to himself. I got to do a bit of TV, which really helped me out a bit with the celebrity stuff and all that. Get me out of here. Which helped me get through and make some bills over a couple of years and get re-elected again, which was really good, but other than that, it hasn't been all smooth-sullied. We haven't had killer veterans coming through the office feel like a triage here still. Not much has really changed from day one apart from I've become less of a wrecking ball.
Yeah. Oh, some days. Yeah, some days.
I'm out of line a little bit under the radar, mate. That's what I've been good at. So not much has happened. I come in single and I'm still bloody single, mate. So I don't know about this whole political life, but honestly, I might as well just get used to being by myself.
Well, there's a mandraut in Canberra. Everyone knows that. There's a mandraut down there. Yeah, but we're not in Canberra, man. Like, hello. I don't think there's a mandraut in Tassie. Plenty of good blokes down there.
What was his name? I got the ripper on.
I do. Right outside the tail. I'm not going to say anything about it. It's just my teeth. I'm like, oh, I got the roof. Yes. Get up, mate. Get down on it.
These hardies.
Tammy, it is different for you, Senator. Tammy Tyrrell.
I should clarify. Yeah, thanks for coming, mate. Yeah, sorry.
It's different for you because you've got Jackie alongside you. She's not above you, not below you, by the looks of things. But she's taken the knocks. And she can't. And she can offer you some advice. I kind of want to talk, Jackie.
Do you remember a time when people were exploiting you? You were new. You were green. There were people that were leading you in certain directions just because you hadn't learned the ropes at that point?
Yeah, I think so. And that's what bothers me about the two of us, about not having enough advisors. So it has been a really awful experience for me and the staff that have been in here, especially the last five years. I've been here for the last eight, sorry. And I mean, Tammy's been through everything that I've been through. I'm not even at the time at all.
But, you know, she's been around that school for so long, like the other staff. So they know the good, the bad, and how it all works. So really, mate, she's got an easy run. Seriously. I mean, you know, the all is run. I'm more sure for me. Trust me, she's a crushed head dummy. But everything's done. I've actually had a long experience with her.
And, like, I know. Yeah, I know. I know.
Oh, Jackie Lambie. But yeah, honest to God, she's actually a really cool chick to work with. And she's a cool chick for her life.
So even on our worst days, we always see the sunshine at the end of it. You know what? There's always a glass of wine to be had around. So we shouldn't be keeping an eye out for a Tyrrell Network or a Tyrrell United party. Are you going to pull a Lambie on Lambie?
I thought I was definitely stuck with me until she fucking decides not to be a politician. But then she'll still be stuck with me outside of. She's definitely a different mister. She's a very testy thing to do. Yeah. Yeah, she's stuck.
I did want to ask about when you first got to Canberra. And this leads into advice for Tammy. What were some of the biggest things that kind of shocked you about the people getting around and the way everything worked? Like, what was it that you got there and you're just like, fuck, these guys are ruthless. Or this is kind of what happens. Or obviously the fast paced nature of everything. But what were some of the biggest shocks?
These people are wildly underwhelming. And these people are detached from reality. And these people are living, breathing morons. And these people don't know how to have a conversation with an ordinary person.
Any feelings like that? Yeah. I think for me it wasn't.
I see it in the armed forces. You see the split between natural beggars and the officers. So it was very similar. You know, they walk around with their head up their ass. And I'll be honest with you, that's why they're in such a different way in the military. Is the leadership that they've got in there. So when you see the bad leadership that's going on in there, you see the leadership going on in parliament.
I think what blew me away more than anything was, mate, how fucking hard is it to come to a conclusion and put it into action? I've never seen a business like that. You would be bloody bankrupt. This is the problem. And it drives me nuts. Seriously. How long does it take to get something done?
I mean, it's an interesting one because you're talking about that comparison to the top brass of the military there. But a lot of the top brass in the military still had to be a digger at some point. Where does the detachment come from, do you think? Oh, no, not a lot of them, mate. You're very lucky if you come through a digger. They're a one-in-occasion to come through a digger. And they're usually your best officers.
Most of them go through RMC or ADFA, the Australian Defence Force Academy. And we're the only ones that do that in the Western world, the Australian Defence Force Academy.
And just so I'll put that out there now, I'm coming to shut it down. And this will come out of the RMC Royal Commission. Because every person should be going through the progress of the digger. And you can determine over the next two to five years who your leaders are out of that perhaps. And that's how it should be done, the very best of best.
Not bloody all boys, people, all these kids coming from all boys' schools. All girls' schools where their mum and dad can pay for their bloody, you can go out there and pay for their education and the rest.
That's who the military is picking up. You won't see people coming from Housing Commission because we're not good enough to go to ADFA. That's correct. And do you reckon that gives you a ten-year kind of... I mean, if you were to make it as an officer coming from Kapuka, that would put you ten years behind your more privileged contemporaries?
I think that would show the privileged contemporaries exactly where they belong, in the bundle of things or in the line of succession. And they should be right at the bottom. Everything's always been passed to them on a silver spoon. I want leaders who have earned their way to the top.
That's what I want to see and that's what I see in Australian politics as well. Tabby, I want to ask, Jackie's obviously got a lot of interest in the veteran affairs and the military. Have you had a similar experience with the ADF? Or if not, what would be your thing that you've worked in outside of politics and kind of want to run the ball up for? Yeah, look, Jackie's got the clear run on all the defence stuff.
My sister was Navy. She was in there for quite a few years.
And trust me, I'm not regimental enough to ever join a group of force. I'm a Navy RAAF. Not me.
Look, in all honesty, I'm more about social policy, health, education, housing, all that kind of stuff, because that's where I've come from. That's where I've worked. That's who I talk to on the street every day.
We've got some people on the main street here in Burnie that they're out there drinking their BB long necks, you know, in a brown paper bag. And they're drug-affected. They've got their kids. They've got their trolleys with their homeless packs and backpacks and tents.
That's what I would like to try and address more into the future. And I know that there's some good policy out there about to kick into gear, but I'll let them shake it up and make sure that it is good and that there's no unintended consequences. We talk about solutions, Jackie. You come to a solution and act on it. You seem to have some ideas for the Defence Force, which is abolish the academy, which creates all of these silver spoon toffs that are running the thing into the ground. Tammy, what do you think in terms of social policy, what's something that you can identify right in front of you now that if it was brought into action tomorrow, would vastly change the lives of the people out in the street in Burnie?
Housing's a big one and that's across the country, I think. I've heard that other states and territories are having the same problem. But we've got like 4,500 that are homeless at the moment living in cars and living under highways, overpasses.
And to me, if you've got a house, you've got somewhere to build your family, you've got somewhere you can have a job, where you can get educated, where you can move forward, it builds your own little world. If you've got nowhere to call home, you've got nothing.
I think what really annoys me more than anything, guys, about the Minister, you can have detention centres set up and you can have quarantines set up in a matter of months. But we can't seem to be able to accept that sort of quality housing, even if it's only short term for emergency, in those same packs. And you know, there is quarantine that's going to be shut down, why aren't we using that? Why were we able to, you know, put people in during the winter that were homeless into motels and hotels and be able to put those hotels out? You know, why can't we do that again if there's other areas in Australia which the hotel people can see? It's not going up, we're not looking at the right solutions, we're looking for something right in front of us.
But there's even like situations here in Tassie where we've got like the free pickers, backpackers. They've got like little like caravan parks that they've donned and they're really cool. They've got like communal kitchens, social areas where there's couches and stuff. They've got their own little piece of turf and they're looked after really, really well.
Why can't we do something like that? The thing that strikes me about that sort of stuff is there doesn't seem to be a huge political will from the major parties to do stuff about that. Jackie, you have spent the last few years down there in Canberra going at stuff and going at stuff. What are some of the methods that you'd look to use or ways to just continue to push on these issues and just keep going and keep going and keep going? How do you do that? How do you just go, we're sticking on this and we're just going to keep going and going?
I think if there's one thing that we're very good at, because we're so innocent with staffing and we're so small, is we're really good at selling. We're really good at, we're a bit like you guys, that social media means everything to me because we don't take those big political donations from unions or corporates. We take them from everyday people. I think the most that we've ever got is a cheque for three grand and that was a one off. Most of them are just on average 27 bucks or something. You've got nearly three quarters of a million people across social media, that is what you use.
And we're basically smashing them. We've got to smash them to make any, to smash common sense into them. And as draining and psychologically draining as that is, and at times it can be, if you smack them down enough, what you will notice about these politicians is they, one of their biggest weaknesses is their resilience. They don't have a lot of it. So they'll only take so much for a smack down. Once you've smacked them a couple of times down, they get going down. They start to strike them and they go, this is not working. Resisting the smack down looks too much like hard work after a little while.
Yeah, I love it mate, there's nothing better than coming out and putting all that work in and saying, I told you you'd lose, you should have just spoiled it three weeks ago, you bastards. It's political wrestling, isn't it? Yeah, it is political wrestling and unfortunately, I don't have one of those in my corner. So I ain't putting it up.
Well, you've survived Jackie T, you've survived a lot of governments. In fact, a lot of people that thought they'd be there forever. I mean, the former Prime Minister Scott Morrison thought he was eventually going to, you know, become the president of Australia and just stay there forever. He was born for that position. Can you tell us now, because you have survived so many people and you don't have to worry about working with a lot of them anymore. Can you give us some examples of certain politicians that you may have just played into your hands?
Well, I think after getting that Royal Commission for Veterans Affairs, you know, I think that just goes to show if you can get public reception with you behind you, and there is a great cause, that they'll feel that pressure and they will fold. I do say, maybe spend less time praying to God and actually getting out there and getting the job on and stop worrying about the whole faith thing and actually stop rewiring on that. Because the only person that's going to make it happen, and for you to achieve anything, is yourself. Go out there and get it.
The Liberal Party got absolutely flogged the last election. Labour didn't win by much, but they won, and the Liberals bled out in places in the end. It wasn't just Labour taking it from the Liberals, it was the Greens and the Teals.
You've got a very different landscape now. You mentioned just before too that the Teals do worry you because they're a bit green and not politically green. They're a bit fresh and they don't have much support. I would also say this, as a lot of the new independents that have come through, have come from very high-powered corporate positions, where they're used to being able to tell someone to put their stuff in a box and get out. They're not familiar with negotiating, they're not familiar with compromise, and they're not familiar with basically working with people.
What do you think is going to come of all of this? I think it'll be a very interesting thing. Down in the bottom house at the moment, in that lower house, and because they don't have that balance of power, you're probably not going to see board promises coming out of them until they can find their feet, because it takes about 12 months to actually find your feet properly. So it would be just very interesting how they play out in the next 12 to 18 months.
I will say this to the Teals, the independents like me, we can start there and we can try and shift things and get people to vote independents, but basically there's so many of you down there. I believe that the next election is going to be based on their performance. If they perform well, then we'll be able to knock the majors around a little bit more and be able to take more seats and put more independents in there, but they are not being mean to them at all, but their performance radar is looking right on them. If they're not going to pick up their game and show that independents can do this and do it well, then it's going to make it really difficult to win more seats for those people who make it or break it. So I guess because we're not Teals and Jackie Manby, that stands on its own name. It's slightly a little bit different and we will keep belching it out there and making sure that we're getting ones on the boards, but they're going to have to do the same thing and unfortunately when you don't have a lot of stuff, that's going to make their jobs even more difficult. The days are the same, please bring me up a cup of tea and a scone are over for them and their corporate days are over and they're going to have to work their asses off. And that's the truth of the matter.
Is there a bit of a WhatsApp chat going? Is there a group with a different independents? Do you guys meet to talk about stuff? How are there comms between you guys and the Teals and the Greens and Pauline?
I think when the Teals first came on, I think that found it a little bit difficult. They didn't realise they actually don't have a lot to do about the house. So it takes you a little bit to realise that.
So my focus has been on making sure that people like Clive Palmer I'm talking to openly, as I have, a year or so after I left him, I've made sure I've worked on that relationship to regain that, which has now been paying twofold. People like David Pocock, things, people like that, I don't have a good relationship in one motion but never have. But it's doing all that, making sure those relationships that are already there are submitted in. I have been speaking to the Teals over the last three or four weeks as much as I possibly can.
We've been trying to just advise them, tell them, because they've got no idea. Nobody's giving them any direction from the Labor Party, which has been quite dreadful on their behalf, even to the point of no staffing, where their offices are, what they're doing.
So the Labor Party, and I'll call them out for it, is actually put the Teals out there to hang out to dry. That's exactly what I say to the Teals.
Stand your body, stand your ground and don't move on the bastards, because sooner or later they're going to want some. You just keep doing what you're doing, then you know what? You'll come back to fight Labor on the arse.
They're frightened. They seem very frightened.
Where are we up to in terms of staffing negotiations and that sort of stuff with the Labor Party? Well, I think we've all had a go. I believe there is Crossbench. I believe that's the House Crossbench going to speak to if rumors tells me right tomorrow at Albanese.
But quite frankly, I mean, we've lost staff now because our own staff had to go and find jobs. So even if we do get reinstated back one or two of our staff advisors, it's just going to make it really, really difficult, which means that whatever you bring up that second week, don't expect me to vote on it because I won't be voting on it because until I can see people to and against, we just cannot vote on it. So any corporates that have been trying to see the Lambies, any unions that have been trying to see the Lambies, unless you're Tasmanian based or you are a veteran, we have had to knock you out. I'm sorry, but if you've got shit you need to talk to us about, you'd better send it on paper because I don't have any advisors.
That's where Tami and I are at. I've got less staff now than what I had when I first came in with two senators. That's where I'm at. The first bill goes for four minutes. I've got three and a half minutes. Somebody's timed for me to get from the lower house to the Senate chamber.
I'm a short, dumpy, short-legged lady. Can I get me wrong? I like me.
But the man who timed it was six foot four and really long legs. And you know what? He's promised that if I sock slide through the hall, all into the doorways, I'll hold it open for him. I have to hold him to it.
Is the default position then just going to be, I'm sorry, we can't vote with the government on this legislation because we just haven't had the appropriate amount of time to read it? We don't have a team to go through this? Our stand on this has always been the same. If you rush legislation through, if you give us one of those shitty omnibuses where you find 20 pieces of legislation in it and you're giving it to me the time beforehand, I'm not voting for it because there's just no way in hell. I just can't afford it. It's really difficult in trying to have one advisor, basically two advisors between the two algorithms to do everything from media to ledge to moves on the floor, everything else, and then trying to see people flying against any piece of legislation that comes through is really going to hold us back and it's going to be extremely time-consuming. This is going to be our problem. And I will never, ever vote for something unless I'm 100% sure that I've been given every piece of information I possibly can to make the right decision. But if it's important enough for them to want it to go to a vote, they'll be sure to give it to us in good time. If they give it to us the day before, it's not that we won't vote for it. It's just that we don't have time to look at it proper. I'll say this to the way the party can start doing the same shit that we just did and giving up so they can ask that. We'll just do the reform on the Thursday and you want us to vote for it on the Monday, you've got an absolute fuck list.
Well, they'll be hearing it. They do listen in to this one. They do? Yeah, they'll be tuned in and they'll be taking your advice.
You're talking about performance radars, the performance of the teals and any other independent crossbenchers that have come through or independent senators that have come through. All eyes are on them and will be for the next four years because that's basically all they can offer is a performance. They can't offer anything else. They don't have a party that can deliver things outside of them.
Jackie, a lot of the things you're talking about now, unfortunately, you've had to be talking about your entire time in Canberra. Some things haven't changed, but I kind of want to talk about your own performance. Where do you feel you've seen and what can you see that you've changed in this country and in your community? What are you proud of? What are some tangible things that we can point to that weren't in place before Jackie Lambie came along? I think the biggest, might be the personal treatment is being people watching me to say, my God, when you first come out, you're like a wrecking ball that's putting up politely and giving me a fair go, especially Tasmanians and watching me blow during that period of time where people come up to me now and say, you know what, my God, when you first come out, you're just bloody hopeless.
And you're like, you're now like a tassel. You just keep getting better with time, you know? So, you know, you just keep getting better with time. You know, pop the cork.
So I think for people to see, I hope that encourages people out there just because you're not educated and just because you don't believe that is where you belong, that's absolute bullshit. You might want to have a look at the thing that most of them probably don't belong up there and it's actually a normal person that should be up there taking a boat, not someone that spent their whole life being kissed on the ass and doesn't know what to tell us, because that's bottom line, what you've got up there. Also, I've broken down on a really down-to-earth level too. Most people don't understand politics. But if you go out on the street, they know who Jackie is and where she sits and what she's up. And most people, you know, before Jackie got in, didn't understand what the lower house was, what the upper house was. They didn't, yeah. And I think the other thing is people have too, that there's a voice up there that's not constrained by anything, that you can actually, you can build them. And, you know, people like that. If I went to say, what have I achieved? They'll say, I have the veterans and something to do with the housing. Because a lot of people don't understand that.
But what they love me for is I just don't take any of their crap and I'm up there and I'm building them every single step of the way. And I don't do that because I like it. I do that because they deserve it, because that is what needs to be done.
You say veterans can come in and they speak to you and that's the way it's worked ever since you came through. Can you tell us an example of someone, you know, one quiet afternoon in Burnie, someone came in, not necessarily someone with a background in defence, but someone came in, one of your constituents came in and said something to you and you were able to then take that straight there? Yeah, so whether we can do a lot of constituency work down in this office, because I've had the same people in those positions since I started. So these are the guys who have got back doors, whether it's going straight to the Veterans Affairs Assistant Commissioner down here, whether it's going to housing, whether it's going to Centrelink. You have those back door relationships and you can usually find you can resolve things pretty quickly from this office. It'll just take a phone call. And it's usually a breakdown, because if you're looking at veterans or people that are homeless or people that are knocking at the door at Centrelink, they're on their last leave.
They've had enough. There's no trust. They're angry at life, all that sort of thing. They're hurting and all the rest.
And sometimes they can't get that through to those people in those departments. Whereas, you know, I guess because all the life experiences that we have in this office, we can go, mate, I know what you're talking about and this is what's happened. So there's usually a piece of the puzzle that's been missing. We can put that back in and fix it. So we are pretty known for that rant, especially with constituency work. I just wanted to ask on the, you're talking about getting up there and belting the parties and saying what you want to say.
One of the most notable moments out of the last couple of years was one of your speeches to the Senate in regards to vaccines. That was a moment that kind of really catalyzed a lot of public sentiment. A lot of people around the country were, you know, sharing the shit out of it. What was the blowback from all of that? There was a lot of positives, but in terms of what came after that, there's one group in our community who were quite full-on and vocal in their opinions and that is anti-vaxxers. What happened for the, I mean, maybe it's still happening, but what was the blowback from that speech? Did you get accused of being in cahoots with Bill Gates or anything like that?
No. I do love that the anti-vaxxers, when it comes to anti-vaxxers, it's okay not to be that side of it. We want to have our right now, so apparently that's not allowed, but it's all about freedoms. That makes me laugh my arse off. Don't judge me for being a vaxxer. No, he's been fucking critical from them. That is my choice. Don't you go out there belting me for it. I don't go there belting you. I want to see you grow up and be an out. No, sorry. I think to me, yeah, it was really, it was a bit argy-bargy out there on the ground after that.
Thousands of emails coming through. Thousands of emails where my poor staff, this is how cowardly they are, you people out there. If you want to be a keyboard warrior, be my guest. We're going to send you shit elsewhere, because quite frankly abusing my staff is disgusting.
It just goes to show off our lifelines. We were doing a fun run. We were doing a fun run in the law system, and this group started hurling abuse at us as we were dressed all in pink for a cancer fun run. And it's like, what about language and physical threats?
At a fun run.
I mean, and the thing was, a lot of people were avoiding that conversation because they didn't want to deal with these tough conversations to have. And it sounds like it felt like you were the first one to kind of epitomize how a lot more people were feeling about this. You know, there is your rights and your freedoms. But at that point, everyone was just sick of it, sick of the whinging and sick of the abuse.
So, you know, Jackie, you had to carry that. Now you have Tammy to share the load. She can... Yeah, you can jump on a grenade here and there too, Tammy.
But, Jackie, another thing that I noticed after the election of all the different analysis and all the feedback and all the chit-chat, the front page of the Koori Mail, based in Lismore, Australia's number one Aboriginal owned newspaper, had you listed, and I did know you were proud of your Indigenous background and you're not just Scottish, but you are now what appears to be some sort of a black caucus within Parliament House, you know, with all of these different communities and the largest number of elected Aboriginal politicians. Have you found yourself working with that community as well? Well, you can call a black caucus if you like. I've been impressed with the black caucus since I've been in there.
First of all, there was only four, then there was five. Because you've got a little more labour in there, they have different opinions on where that should go. There's a couple more up there now. It just seems that every time we start this in the new beginning of Parliament, it exists. It just seems to go wayside. I don't think that's intentional, just that there's so much else on the agenda. I do know that the constitutional rights and whether that will be put more on the agenda in the next few years, I'm not 100%.
I think because we lack in staff and I have left it to the other Indigenous members there, I just sort of sit at the back there, especially the ones from the Northern Territory, the ones that have been very heavily involved in that most of their lives. I allow them to sort of run with that. But I think for us, it's more veterans in Tasmania, and we're pretty much exhausted, so it doesn't leave me a lot of thought for the Indigenous brothers and sisters out there, unfortunately. But there are other Indigenous members out there that have already got their teeth wrapped in this, and I'm certainly there standing beside them to support them. But they know this area better than what I do. They're born and bred into this. You know, I could throw up in housing muscles, people wearing me white, that sort of thing. I've got a much better idea, so I just appreciate them and I'll respect them.
I just do not have the energy or what is left to spend a lot of time in that area, which is really unfortunate. But to do that means I've got to give up veterans, and I'm just not prepared. That was one of the things I run in. I ran on two things in 2013. I lost a stand-up for Tasmanians and veterans. I've kept my word of my honour in that area, and those interests, and I'll continue to do so. But it just doesn't leave me not trying to move elsewhere, mate.
That's the problem. They all know your name. I mean, you run into diggers, not long ago on the Gold Coast, speaking to a couple of blokes who'd served, and they were all talking about Jackie, and they were talking about trouble they were having with the VA, and they all know that there's a phone number they can call, be that you. In Queensland, a lot of people would look to Bob Carter, but he doesn't seem to be as involved as you are in all of this. Tell me about that. That is a job in itself. We've spoken about, throughout the course of this interview, we've spoken about the different kind of strains and the different kind of workloads you have to pick up running the ball up for veteran affairs and the ADF in general, but that's a lot of people. We're talking about three blokes sitting in a pub on the Gold Coast. All of them know that they basically would have your phone number, your office phone number.
How much of your time is, if you were allowed it, could this be a full-time job? Yeah, it is a full-time job. So one of our EO staff, we don't get extra staffing for this. She was on veterans full-time, and then you've got me following her, and then we've also got, well, we're down to two advisors now, but we were using basically a sole advisor for that.
I don't understand. I don't think this is where Labor doesn't understand this is really where it's going to hurt us. This is just how far behind they are.
Anything for a gardener or a cleaner is now they're not paying their bills, so they're losing them. They can't get in to see a psychiatrist for nine to 10 months.
I am grateful that my number was out there everywhere, and I had to change that before Christmas time, not because of the veterans whatsoever, but I have to say it won't take long before this new number gets out amongst them. But taking phone calls at midnight, people on a sewer side watch, not just me but the person that's doing that veterans job in here, is really, and I do not blame them at all, it is really starting to push out to the limits that it has done for quite some time. I get to speak at the Royal Commission in two weeks' time. It's my turn for three hours. I have a lot to say about that. It's put a lot of strain in this office, but, you know, we just refuse to give it up, mate, because there's nowhere else for those diggers to go. I'm really lucky.
I don't think anybody that's ever rang them, we've had over 1,200 in three years, and they're the worst of the worst come to this office. We haven't lost one yet, thank goodness, but I can tell you it's nothing for me to spend weekends talking to people, talking them around, see if I can get them help straight away, and the same with the other EO staff member that's in here doing the same thing. It's actually overkill for us in here, but, you know, until the majors realise just how much work, I'm not sure they will in the next few weeks, that this office does go to veterans. They'll look at actually helping us triage in this office, because basically they come here now because they can't get through to veterans affairs, and that is not getting any better. Even though the Royal Commission is running, it seems to me defence and veterans affairs have got even worse. Their behaviour is disgraceful.
Why is this so difficult? That's what I want to ask. You're on the ground, you're dealing with this. Why is this so difficult?
We have a government at any given time, as long as anyone can remember, probably went a bit shy back in the day, but since Howard, and since they're bringing them home with the Vietnam veterans, this has been front and centre of our national identity. We've got Remembrance Days, we've got Anzac Day, we've got this, every politician loves getting photographed, putting a wreath down. They love talking about our poor veterans when they want to talk about something that isn't refugees. We're talking about providing resources for refugees or homeless. They'll say, what about our veterans first?
Where's the inaction, and how is this not the easiest thing for them to work on? Because it's so much part of their brand and our national identity. Well, it's not that difficult. It's only then that it's made it difficult. So, that's the first thing.
The second thing is, I think that when you have a revolving door of ministers, go through the government, it's been set in the way over 11 or 12 years, and you've got secretaries that are running it. I just don't know if people don't understand this, but you need to know, you know why the lower house ministers don't come up to us in estimates? Because that's both the major party, so we don't have to question them, we have to question their secretaries, and so we can't whack them around as much, which I'm going to put up a motion to try and change that, because I do not believe the secretaries should be the ones answering the questions that should be the ministers. If you want a ministry, then you had better know your ministry inside of it, inside out, and you'd better come ask, answer those goddamn questions at estimates, and that's what needs to be done. So, there's a lot that needs to be done.
When people are not doing the job, if your secretary's not doing the job on your other commissioners, why are they still sitting there? Why haven't you sacked them? You know, why haven't you sacked them?
Yep. So, sack them all, I say, Jackie. We should sack them all.
What are you doing here, mate? Not at all, not at all, not at all. Mate, I'm looking for a senator to run next time in Queensland, Ali. Think about it, think about it. Alright, you've got a big fight on your hands, and there are plenty of bastards to go and keep on us. You've got to go and get into them. So, we will wrap it up there. Just one super quick last question, actually, big issue, not a lot of action on it.
Tasmania AFL team, what's happening? Mate, mate, I'm going to say this, because it's sort of up, it's 50 against 54. One, Tasmania can't afford it. Secondly, we can't even keep a team in the B field. We have the football league state level, and I just wonder how the hell are we going to do that at the next level up, if we haven't even come and kept the doubles in comp anymore, overnight and overnight teams.
So, it is not, I will say this, and I want to make sure this is really clear, the AFL academy down here for our kids, they do a great job. Amazing. They do a really great job trying to get them into the AFL draft. So, maybe they could just, if they can't afford the AFL team, if they could maybe just put a little bit more money behind that AFL drafting down here for our kids. So, there's a whole side everywhere. Yeah, I think that would help, but it's getting our kids in that love the game so much, and they are a little disadvantaged if they can't come through that AFL and stuff like that. Well, as ever, a controversial opinion, Jacqui Lambie portraying the entire island of Tasmania by saying we don't need an AFL team, but thank you for the honest and raw interview, Senator Jacqui Lambie, Senator Tammy Tyrrell.
We look forward to seeing much more of you over the next parliamentary term. Yeah, we'll keep it classy, won't we? We'll talk about you guys coming over the network, shortly. See you next time. See you down there. Keep them honest. Thanks guys. |
dropout | phone_sex_pranks_sex_robot | Kind of do something weird. Is that okay? Oh, yeah, okay I'm into like robots with no emotions that want to be like humans, but can't do you know what I'm talking about? Okay, what model number are you for? Oh? Wow, can you feel any emotion? Doesn't compute. Oh, that's good. You're making me really hot right now. Yeah. What are you programs for? Do you want to be turned on I am on now. Oh, yeah, you're a fresh robot I want to crush your face. Yeah, what does your clit look like? Soggy microchip Perfect, can you feel pain or pleasure?
Wow a lot of stuff doesn't compute with you Oh Are you all metal? No, what are you made of plastic plastic? What are your tits made of plastic? Are you just a plastic robot?
Yes? No no Function my function when I get wet I don't understand then I will crush your own No, that sounds awful. I want to know what it's like Can you try to say I love you for me? Oh You can't do it, huh?
Oh What's something you find funny? Why are bananas funny to you look at the way they have the curve?
One What are you doing? 88 99 keep going seven eight I do not know 11 59. These are just totally random numbers. Oh, yeah 1,100 I feel maybe nice. Oh, that doesn't make sense Okay, okay, I'm gonna shut you down, okay, okay have a good night |
ClickHole | moments_that_changed_the_world_the_war_of_the_roses | Throughout history, there have been several moments. Some of them even changed the world. Prepare yourself to witness history like you have never seen it before. This is moments that changed the world. England, 1455. A world without plumbing where a single boat was shared between the earth's 900 residents. It was a very cool time for everyone lived in castles and dined on types of poultry which are illegal to dine on today. Sure, the occasional plague killed everyone off and forced humanity to have to re-evolve from scratch here and there, but it was still super neat.
King Henry VI, son of King Henry VII and Queen Henry XII assumed the throne at the adorable age of nine months old as the male heir to the House of Lancaster. But his mental instability and his inability to impregnate his queen, problems which were largely due to him being a baby, gave rise to tensions in his kingdom. His chief rivals, the House of York, felt that they should head the monarchy because they wore the most coifs, creating great confusion over who had rightful claim to the throne. It would have been a very complicated ordeal for even a toddler to navigate, much less an infant, which is why the situation deteriorated into war.
It was a brutal war which was called the War of the Roses because it sounded cool. Some men were burned alive over the course of many years, while others were shot out of crossbows into their own brothers. Men made necklaces out of the bodies of other men and one brave warrior even tore his own face off and used it as an ineffective shield. It has been said that every man, woman and child died at least nine times during the War of the Roses and that in parts of England the war is still being fought today by very old, very stupid men. The war was finally won when men in really nice armor seized a castle by climbing its walls with ladders which they had lit on fire to encourage themselves to climb as quickly as possible. Guides in the castle poured boiling oil down onto the attackers which melted them into puddles and then those puddles were lapped up by peasants who mistook the liquefied men for soda. Drinking the fallen soldiers' melted remains turned those worthless peasants into a heroic spectral army of ultimate death and they made quick work of the castle's guardians, finally defeating its infant king with very little difficulty as babies are incredibly easy to kill.
This dark day which took place from 1455 to 1487 serves as a reminder that wars are always awesome. The War of the Roses was a moment that forever changed the history of our world. Earth. |
cracked | everything_you_need_to_know_about_daca_some_news_sessions_dreamers_and_democrats | Hello, I'm a news person. Even though news people don't say hello, they say welcome to the news. And if you haven't heard the news because you've been living under a rock for the last week, first of all, jealous.
That rock sounds great. Where do you find that cool rock? Room for one more in your fucking party rock? Second of all, I'm gonna tell you the news now.
The thing that everyone's talking about right now, of course, is the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, or DACA. And if you hadn't heard about it before this week, very quickly, it's an Obama-era program that allows young immigrants who are brought to America illegally as children to avoid deportation and work and study here. It lasts for two years, and then you can apply for a renewal. The people who apply for DACA voluntarily give absolutely all of their information to the government because they believe the government won't use that information to track people down and deport them, because we used to have a cool president we could trust, even though he also implemented the most deportations of any other president. On Tuesday, the current president, through his haunted ventriloquist dummy Jeff Sessions, announced that he would be rescinding DACA in the next six months. Currently, there are about 750,000 DACA recipients. They all came here as children, they're paying taxes, and some are serving in our military or helping with the hurricane relief effort. Now rescinding DACA doesn't necessarily mean they'll all get deported tomorrow, but it does mean that they will all no longer be able to work legally within two years.
Almost everyone is mad right now. And now that we're all mostly fucking caught up, we're left with two major questions. Why'd the president do this, and what's going to happen next? So let's start with why. Our president has done some stupid things.
Do we have a clip now? Do we have like 900 clips?
My hands are too big. What a crowd, what a turnout. Have a good time. Woo, wow, wee, those are all dumb things, and all from the same day. We didn't even include one of the two times he got super horned up to be sitting in a big boy truck. Great, now I'm horny.
The point is, he's done some dumb things, some tone deaf things, some grossly misinformed things, some subliminally Nazi-esque things, some overtly Nazi-esque things, and some probably treasonous things. But this is without question the most overtly cruel thing he has done as president without a clear benefit emerging.
It's not a political move, as major people from both parties have come out against it. The Dreamers are one of the easiest single groups to like. That's why a majority of Americans support DACA and believe Dreamers should be allowed to stay here and work. So his decision isn't part of a play to get new voters on his side.
When I described DACA earlier, there's a chance the word illegal jumped out at you and gave you pause. Because it makes you think that criminals are coming into this country to do crimes and join gangs and commit violence and DACA is somehow helping them to do that. But that's not true. This isn't a crime thing. You're not allowed to apply for DACA unless you have a perfect spotless record and meet several guidelines. You won't be considered if you've been convicted of a felony, a significant misdemeanor or three other misdemeanor offenses or if you're deemed a threat to national security.
You also need to either be in school or have graduated or obtained a certificate of completion from high school and also you have to pay almost $465 every time you apply. Dreamers were brought here against their will as children. No, no other country but America. Grew up here, went to school here, paid taxes here and every two years are willing to pay almost $500 just to apply for the privilege of working here. It is objectively easy to root for these people. We're protecting them because all they wanna do is live and work in this country because they love it and it's their home and they've done nothing wrong and denying people the American dream and punishing children for the sins of their fathers is not what America was founded on. We did a whole statue about it. It's not a money thing either. I mean, as a rule, I hate it when people say things like, if you're not moved enough by this being the right thing to do on moral grounds, then perhaps I could convince you on economic grounds because I don't wanna live in a world where money dictates every decision everywhere like capitalism stuff and because what I'd like to say is if you're not moved enough by this being the right thing to do on moral grounds, then fuck you, you're a bad person and get out of here. That said, 91% of DACA recipients are employed right now.
So if Trump ends renewals, that's between seven and 800,000 people who will lose their ability to work within the next two years and there's no way that won't devastate the economy. The stock market has already gone down. Their applications bring in millions of dollars and deporting them would cost more than $400 billion. This is fiscally irresponsible.
There, I hope that convinced you people that suck. Politicians like it, most Americans like it, business owners and normally robotically soulless tech CEOs like it and yet, the president. We'll likely never know exactly why President Trump did this. We can guess that it's because his least favorite part of the description of DACA is the Obama-era part as he's making an emission to dismantle everything his predecessor did or maybe he's just listening to the little voice in his head that says illegals equals brown people equals everything wrong with his country, which in this case is the literal voice of Jeff Sessions who hides inside Trump's sleeping cap and whispers racist conspiracy theories every night. We gotta believe me. Also, the president just likes announcing things. So even if he doesn't end up shutting down DACA, he'll get credit from his base for saying that he wanted to. They only wanna hear someone say something that sounds like I'll get rid of the illegals that Obama let take your jobs to love Trump and Trump just wants people to cheer for him.
My hands are too big. Woo, yes, wow, they're the biggest. Is that what you wanna hear? I've never seen bigger hands. I bet you can't even fit those big old fucking grabbers in a baseball glove. You're like the Hulk so fucking big.
Is that enough? Will you step down now? No, didn't think so. Moving on to what happens now.
It looks like it's up to Congress to decide. Once it was clear that no one was in support of this decision except aging racist in the old man body yet baby brain phase of his Benjamin Buttoning, Jeff Sessions, the president took to Twitter to say quote, Congress now has six months to legalize DACA, something the Obama administration was unable to do. If they can't, I will revisit this issue. Note that he didn't say fix or repeal DACA in that tweet, but legalize it, legalize it. Essentially endorsing the program and implying that the problem isn't anything about the program and just about Obama's method for doing it.
The president then against the wishes of his party leaders met and struck a deal with Democratic leaders Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi that promises money for both Harvey relief and maybe the 12 hurricanes next week and government funding for the next three months. Walking back a longstanding threat that Trump would shut the government down unless Congress does what he says. He's now given a lot of negotiating power to Democrats. According to Axios, this is the deal of the century for Democrats. And one Republican close to leadership laments quote, Dems bluff their way into total victory. They win the politics of DACA and leverage on debt in the winter. The fate is sealed. DACA will be reauthorized without strings. Schumer has inserted himself into all negotiations in the winter, including tax, spending and immigration.
Wait, what the fuck did I just read? If I'm understanding this timeline correctly, the president made an announcement without really thinking it through, saw that it wasn't a popular move and is now working with Democrats to make DACA a law specifically because it was something Obama couldn't do, specifically because he had an uncooperative Congress. I mean, it's hard for me to get excited about anything, but I'm almost positive that our worst president ever just stumbled ass backwards into codifying a moral win for every dreamer and everyone who supports them. It was reported that a lot of Trump's aides didn't think he totally understood what DACA was and what the impact of rescinding it would be. So it's possible that once he saw the public reaction, he immediately changed his mind and is now on the right side of history. I don't know what to do with this information. There's a really good chance that we end up accidentally protecting dreamers forever.
Kind of sounds like good news, which is rare for this show. Do we have a clip of good news on this show?
Hm, thought so. Bye. |
dropout | collegehumor_undie_run_coverage | Hello, and welcome to College Humor's coverage of the 2010 X Undie Run Challenge, the only charity event that encourages you to look at girls' boobs. Well, they don't encourage you to look at girls' boobs, Amir. It encourages you to donate clothes.
Yes, well, I can't help it. I'm only human, so... Anyway, today we sat down with one of the sport's hottest up-and-comers, Scott Wilcox. Well, at least don't be so obvious. Only human.
He was born in a small town outside of Houston called Dallas. Texas. Thank you, Amir. But that small town couldn't contain his big dreams.
I remember the first time I saw my dad in his undies, and I thought to myself, someday I'm going to run in those. And did you? Oh, God, no. I bought my own.
Oh, no. Scott's parents, Pam and Rick, always had high hopes for their son. So tell us about Scott. We don't know who Scott is.
I'm sorry. Is this 216 South Oak Drive? No, it's 216 North Oak Drive.
Oh, my God. Sarah is so embarrassed.
Really? We couldn't have figured this out before we started? So tell us about Scott. Scott who? Really? It took us three hours to set these lights up. Nobody bothered us. Please tell us, you know Scott.
Of course. He's our son. Oh, thank God. Alright, boys, that's it. Grab it up.
You have a very lovely home. Scott invited us into his home to see how he prepares for a run. The key to winning the Axe Undie Run Challenge is strategy. I watch tapes of my old races just to try and learn from my mistakes. So which one are you? Oh, I think this is, oh, it's a tough one to, oh, see this guy with the hair? I think that, you know what, I'm the guy in the Undies. So what do you have planned for this year's race? I'm just going to run a straight line. Do you just draw on your TV with a permanent marker? Yeah, I think so. One of Scott's favorite things to do is reminisce about the past. So is this where you record the voiceovers? How did you get in here?
My great grandfather came over from Russia in 1847 with nothing but a pair of Undies. The doctors told me I'd never run the run again.
And were they right? Well, you're doing the piece on me, right? Right. Duh. Sorry. I'm not going to ask.
Scott Wilcox may not be the strongest, fastest, or most athletic Undie Runner, but ask anyone and they'll say he's the best. Okay, Scott, seriously, get out of here. Wow, that was, that was inspiring. The girls' boobs, that is. When we come back, we'll sit down with veteran axe Undie Runner, Bob Applebob. Scott was pretty cool himself. Okay. You think about it? |
Wizards_with_Guns | it_s_surprisingly_easy_to_kill_an_old_person_ | Ronald! What? Am I dead? No. Damn. What are you two talking about? Herb wants to know if he's dead. Well, is he? I don't know. I'm asking. Herb! What? Are you dead yet? No. Who is dead? Who?
You remember Evelyn? From origami club? Has she really passed away? Yeah, she thought a glue stick was chapstick. Now she's with Jesus.
Shit. You know, Leonard's no longer with us. Oh, heart attack? He tried to push a pull door and broke himself in half. That is so sad. We'll send to Casserole. You know, old Willard passed out. Yeah, he ate a credit card, thought it was a slice of gum. Oh. You hear about Lucille? No.
She got on a roller coaster.
Oh, suicide is never the answer.
Hmm. Uh, Harold kicked a bucket. Oh, that's too bad. How'd he go? He kicked a bucket. That's what killed him. He literally disintegrated.
Wow. It was his first time and it went right through him all the way to his brain. Great thought a jelly donut was a normal donut. He took a bite and fucking drowned. Hmm. Don went to Hibachi. Saw the onion volcano and it sent him straight to hell. Wow.
You're kidding. You know, Bill died. I can only assume from natural causes. Nope.
Rock climbing. I told him he'd fall. Oh no, he made it to the top.
And he blew his head up like a tomato in the microwave. Oh. That's how Christy died. Oh, a microwave? No.
Tomato. What? Tomato! What?
What do you mean, Ron? Ron? Ronald? Ron! Looks like Ron's passed on.
Huh, Cynthia? Cynthia? Hey, Cynthia! Hey, Ron!
Rat! What are you on? Look! It seems Herb is no longer with us. What? Oh!
I'm dead! Well, at least he died of old age. No! What? He was murdered! Oh, fuck!
What did you reminisce? To link the video and prescribe?
Okay. I don't think it's recording yet, so let me just start it right now. Now that I'm about to die, say anything I want.
I brought it for Nixon. I was the torturer in Guantanamo Bay. Jesus Christ. I never told anyone that before. |
cracked | how_to_tell_if_your_friends_are_real | Today's topic, identifying fake people. Oh, you're back. Welcome then to side B of the Cracked Advice Board, providing you, as always, with the information necessary. My name is Cone, comma, Doctor. Assisting me today is my newlywed sister, Cassandra. The first step to ridding your life of fake people is to identify them. Keep an eye out for some of these common red flags.
I had a really great time at the get together last night. Laughing when you're not telling a joke.
So how has your day been so far? Oh, you know, same old, same old. Stock answers to your questions. Oh, I almost forgot I made these cards for you, my friend.
Cassandra, I'm sorry to tell you that your friend is a gargoyle. No!
Another common type of fake person is the painting fake. Now I cannot tell you the number of friends I have had over the years who have turned out to be paintings. If you suspect someone in your life of being a painting, explore the surface of their face. If it's completely flat, your friend may be a painting.
To test this, simply mix two tablespoons of ammonia, two tablespoons of white vinegar, and one tablespoon of salt. Apply the mixture to the face and scrub vigorously. If the face disappears within about 15 to 30 seconds, you've got a painting on your hands. If not, you've just scrubbed the face off of your coma patient friend. Dispose of the evidence and speak of your dark secret to no one. Freeze!
While not as common in urban areas, constellation fakes are still seen. Each year, dozens of women are wed to Orion, only to realize that he has been sleeping with countless others and regrets nothing. Now, the best way to ensure that your husband is not in fact a group of stars located billions of light years away from one another, is to draw a picture of them from memory. If it consists of only a few sporadic dots, I must tell you with a heavy heart, ma'am, that you are married to a constellation fake.
You're fired. Get out!
This concludes Side B. Please contact the Bursar's office to obtain Side C. Today's topic, identifying fake people. Oh, you're back. Welcome then, to Side B of the Cracked Advice Board, providing you, as always, with the information necessary. My name is Cone, comma, Doctor. Assisting me today is my newlywed sister, Cassandra. The first step to ridding your life of fake people is to identify them. Keep an eye out for some of these common red flags.
I had a really great time at the get-together last night. Laughing when you're not telling a joke?
So, how has your day been so far? Oh, you know, same old, same old. Stock answers to your questions. Oh, I almost forgot I made these cards for you, my friends.
Oh, cool, very cool. Yeah, I like these. Very, very, very, very cool. Feigned excitement over a friendly gesture.
Cassandra, I'm sorry to tell you that your friend is a gargoyle. Another common type of fake person is the painting fake. Now, I cannot tell you the number of friends I have had over the years who have turned out to be paintings. If you suspect someone in your life of being a painting, explore the surface of their face. If it's completely flat, your friend may be a painting.
To test this, simply mix two tablespoons of ammonia, two tablespoons of white vinegar, and one tablespoon of salt. Apply the mixture to the face and scrub vigorously. If the face disappears within about 15 to 30 seconds, you've got a painting in your hands. If not, you've just scrubbed the face off of your coma patient friend. Dispose of the evidence and speak of your dark secret to no one.
While not as common in urban areas, constellation fakes are still seen. Each year, dozens of women are wed to Orion, only to realize that he has been sleeping with countless others and regrets nothing. Now, the best way to ensure that your husband is not in fact a group of stars located billions of light years away from one another is to draw a picture of them from memory. If it consists of only a few sporadic dots, I must tell you with a heavy heart, ma'am, that you are married to a constellation fake.
You're fired. Get out! This concludes side B. Please contact the bursar's office to obtain side C. |
TheOnion | Christina_Aguilera_Tour_Canceled_Due_To_Fan_Exhaustion | In music news, the remainder of Christina Aguilera's Girl Out Loud tour has been abruptly cancelled amid reports that the singer's fans are suffering from exhaustion. Ticketmaster announced the cancellation in a statement saying, Unfortunately, the tour has had to end to allow Christina's fans time to recover from her grueling schedule. New dates will be announced if and when Christina's fans are able to watch her perform again. Insiders say the tour's fate was sealed last week when several concertgoers collapsed from fatigue mid-set at a show in Detroit during one of the singer's numerous booming solos. The announcement comes on the heels of reports that fans were showing up late to her concerts and flat out refusing pictures and autographs from the stars.
In one week, I went to a show, I watched her on The Voice, and then I saw her sing the national anthem at a football game. We've been stretching ourselves thin. She did a whole album in Spanish.
That's super draining. Aguilera reacted to the news on Twitter, tweeting, Just found out my tour was cancelled. This is bullshit. Followed by, Was really looking forward to doing a show on my birthday. My fans are so selfish. Coming up next, New Hunger Games movie promises to feature the hungriest kids yet. |
dropout | how_tall_is_grant | So we're agreed. Trapp definitely killed Pat, and we need to call the police. Yes.
How tall are you? Like, I feel like if I look at you like this, I can tell that you're clearly taller than everyone else, but... Sometimes I feel like you and Katie are the same height. You mean how in our videos, sometimes they have to frame the camera angle around me? I mean, like in real life, like right now, Katie even looks like a little bigger than you. He looks pretty tall to me. Wait, is Katie taller than Zach?
I don't know. Let's see. Nope. Well, now, hold on. That doesn't make any sense. Why not?
Because Katie was taller than you, but then you were taller than Zach, and now Zach is taller than Katie? And now it looks like you're taller than everyone else. I am taller than everyone.
I know that. I know that objectively.
I'm just saying sometimes it looks like you're not. Like, you're way down here now. Maybe it's like a perspective thing. You know, it's like the angle at which you're standing. Maybe.
What the hell? Does this really matter? I mean, who cares how tall Grant is?
Yeah. I'm losing my mind. You know what? I've been crouching. Let me just stand up. Oh, okay. Oh. Oh, yeah. I'm also crouching. Alright. Oh, me too.
No, no, no. Stop, stop. What is this? No! No, it's just legs! It's just crazy spider legs! None of this makes any sense!
Of course it makes sense. You're looking at it. Grant. How? I don't know. Zach.
Son of a bitch! Okay, Trapp, you're a little too worked up. We're gonna put you away for the day. What? Oh, no, no. Okay, no! You know, I just don't know what got into him. It's called the Star Spangled Banner, not those Satan you see. Oh, no, but really? Where's Trapp? What? Oh, my God. We thought you were dead. Where's Trapp?
At the office. Yeah, that is the middle of the work day. Where else would he be? The office.
So, Son, why are you guys here then? Oh, it's three dollar margaritas! I don't have any fingers. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
cracked | the_7_most_incredible_displays_of_pointless_talents_cracked_tv | Everybody, welcome to episode 27 of Cracked TV. Say what? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh instant mustache. With me as always is my co-host, lines from Casablanca that would have taken on a sinister undertone, had Humphrey Bogart been a convicted child sex offender. He is looking at you, kid. By the power vested in me by the Robocracy of Androidulon, small cyberg of the automatopolis mechanical, off the I-80 next to the Buca de Beppo and scenic downtown Skokie, Illinois, I hereby declare today's topic seven people who squandered more talent than you will ever have.
Strap on a Kevlar vest and burn off your fingerprints because you're about to enter the high-stakes world of underground pen spinning. Spinners develop complex routines, name new moves, and even compete against one another online. Not like the UFC, except you get beaten up more often.
You know, I honestly can't think of a less appropriate combination of sound in video. Seriously kids, think of all the wonderful things you could be doing with those hands instead of spinning pens. I call this the helicopter. Next up, cone juggling. Oh, I thought he was going to actually juggle cones.
Kind of disappointed. What? He's just standing there, I could do that. Oh. Well, it's still stupid.
When the hell do you get to show that off? Hey, glad you could make it. Yeah, and I brought my balls. Oh, great. I know exactly what you mean and won't infer anything sexual, but will instead assume that you mean literal juggling balls. I do this time. You want to show everyone some tricks? I would love to.
Please direct me to your eight-foot acrylic cone, third door down on the left. If only all street performers were confined to acrylic cones.
But I guess Obama has more important things to do than read letters from an android. If you're going to take the time to learn an instrument, at least pick one that people like to hear and doesn't look like a loaf of bread. Admittedly, this kid rocks, but rocking on the accordion's only good for a laugh and some pity sex. No matter how righteous you chops, you'll never be as attractive to women as a guy who doesn't play the accordion.
Tell me, ladies, who would you rather sleep with? My friends call me Hawkeye. I rest my case.
Now that I've got those pussies on lock, it's safe to show you Jake Shimabukuro, the bad boy of ukulele. Jake doesn't play by the established ukulele rules, whatever those may be. He breaks the mold by daring to play classic rock covers and charging $40 an album. Do you hear a little baby guitar? I can just play the white album on double speed.
Meet Kent Toast French, the world's fastest clapper. 721 times in one minute. How he discovered he had this ability is fairly easy to guess.
What a waste. I mean, just imagine the amazing things he could do with those hands. You ever wished your shirt could screech at you? Or that your chopsticks and Tupperware sounded like someone raking cement? Of course not. So why does Adachi Tomomi keep making them? I swear you took something that was good and made it awful. You're the opposite of an inventor.
Please describe the item you'd like to patent. It's basically a cell phone, but when you make a call, it jabs a needle in your ear. Mm-hmm, and what do you call it? I call it the stab phone.
Oh, that's got a ring to it. That'll look nice on billboards. Yes, I know. But I get it.
He's not a failed inventor. He's an experimental musician. Like how a guy who cooks terrible food isn't a bad chef. He's a conceptual artist.
And you know, he can't wash that shirt now. It's ruined.
So... You know... Thanks, Adachi. But what if you're so gifted you run out of pointless skills to hone and are forced to contemplate the horror of actually doing something worthwhile? Combined to... BAM! Crisis averted.
Learning to solve a Rubik's Cube with one hand while playing Guitar Hero on Expert with your elbow will easily eat up the best years of your childhood. Learn to do it blindfolded, and before you know it, you'll be a 30-something with no marketable skills whatsoever. And what, if any, special skills do you believe you bring to the company? I can five-star through the fire and the flames on Expert with my ass while solving a Rubik's Cube with one hand and doing trick beer pong shots with the other.
Well, that about does it for this episode. Anything you want to say to the kid sex offender, Clippy? Chloe, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Ooh, saucy. And remember, if you'd like to help us pick our next topic, just shout out your idea now. No? No one. Alright. Fuck you, too, then. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swain. Allow me to play you out. |
dropout | hardly_working_mugging | You're not gonna believe what happened to me. I was mugged. What? You okay? Sit down, man. Yeah. It was terrifying. Jesus. How did it happen? Well, I owe me your $450, right? Right. So I went to the A-10 machine down the street, and while I was there, this big guy threw me up against the wall and mugged me. Before or after? It was terrifying. Your shirt's all... Hey, Pat, before or after... I'm fine. I'm just a little shaken up. Before or after you got the money, were you mugged? I don't know. After?
The important thing, Pat, is that you're okay. Yeah, that's the most important thing. Yeah, definitely. I just...
I really needed the money. I need the money, still, today.
Like, as soon as possible. I know you don't...
I'm sorry, I was mugged. You're right. I'm sorry.
Just, if you went to the ATM, you have a receipt, so just show me the receipt and then... No, Amir, I guess they took that too. Amir, why is your problem?
When they mugged him, they beat him up.
You're Bank of America, right? Yes. Of course he's Bank of America. Okay.
Can you get up for half a second? Peter, Ed, just get up for half a second. I have to use your computer. Half a second's up. Use your computer.
So, I'm just going to go to B of A dot com. I'm going to put in your email address, and then you just type in your password, and then we'll see. It'll tell you that if you took money out, it'll show us, and then I'll shut up.
You don't do that. Don't get up right now. Pat, listen. You don't have to get up.
Tell me your password. I'll put it in.
You can stay there, and if it shows that you took money out, then our debt is off. You don't have to owe me any money anymore.
I'm just doing my thing. Just show me.
No, watch your password, Pat. No, you can't. No, I can't, because I wasn't mugged, all right?
I'm sorry. What? Of course you want to get your purse in your hair. I'm sorry. That's exactly what I said. Oh.
Is there going to be my money? No, I'm not going to give you the money. You still owe me money, Pat. No, I'm not giving anything. Give me my money, Patrick. I'm not giving you anything. Let me throw. I'm not giving you what? Give me my money, Pat. Give me my money.
This is my money.
Hey, Patrick! You got that 450 you owe me? You're not gonna believe what just happened to me. I was mugged. Oh my God! You okay? What happened? |
cracked | 5_things_you_shouldn_t_be_able_to_buy_on_ebay_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 4 of Crack TV, proud sponsors of single women against insane murderers. Go get em gals. With me as always is my co-host, Clips of Hardcore Pornography.
Wait, I'm sorry, hold that thought Clippy, I'm bidding on this Hasselhoff keychain on eBay. No way Hofffan, you got the speedo, now it's my turn. See how he deals with 475. Anyway you were saying? Sure, well, we shouldn't have called you that. As decreed by the 87th Galactic Council, today's topic is... 550? I'm not made on money, damn it.
The internet marketplace has rapidly become a thriving community filled with unique items, eager bidders, and bitter losers bent on bloody revenge. Why, on the internet, you can even buy a David Hasselhoff keychain. And then there's this crap, which only moron would buy. You probably heard about the woman who tattooed Golden Palace Casino's logo onto her forehead for 15 grand. What you might not have known is that she apparently started a trend.
First there's this guy, who's taking significantly less to tattoo a logo onto the back of his head. I just hope that the winning bidders this time are a little more creative with their design. Then there's this gentleman, who, for a nominal fee, will allow you to tattoo a logo onto his penis, which I'm sure will totally persuade the what, 9 people that will ever see it. And that's counting his doctors and mortician. But I don't care how appropriate your logo is. This dick's got too many strings attached. First off, it must be a logo he doesn't find immoral. You're tattooing your dick for money, sir.
And not the glands? No one wants to tattoo your glands, crybaby.
That's rule number one in penis business college. Rule number two is work the shaft, but I digress.
Were you aware that stuff sometimes looks like other stuff? Take this rock, for example. It's like a face or something. Still don't believe me? Here are five pictures. And don't worry about this one lasting long enough to hand down to your grandkids. It's very solid. Also very solid? This rock that looks like E.T. This potato that looks like E.T. See? eBay is like a wonderful world of imagination.
But this one's special, because it's unique and totally one of a--oops. Well, hey, it kind of looks like a ghost, right? I mean, that's still pretty--oh, snap.
Then there's the people who offer slightly more than nothing. Their time.
Like this teen genius who will answer it--damn, he does look smart. Who will answer any five questions for the winning bidder? I've got five questions for you.
How old are you? Who the fuck do you think you are? And then, um, the rest are about in my stock portfolio, so I'll hit you up later. Here's someone who'll let you call and yell at them for five minutes. Why would I pay for a service that my family provides for free? See y'all at Christmas, you bastards! I'm gonna beat the tar out of every last one of you.
As soon as I hire this guy, it'll work out for me for a year. Oh no, wait, it's that he'll work out for a year. Even though he's a firefighter who already looks like a professional wrestler.
But you know what? I'll let him slide, because he's really trying to raise money for his friend's heart surgery. Maybe I was wrong about you, eBay. Maybe we could all learn something from 1150.
That's not good. Suction. Tic-tacs. Bag of dice. Some third thing. Alright. Close him up. God have mercy on us all.
Ladies, are you frustrated with your sex life? Have trouble achieving orgasm?
Well then I should let you know that as a robot, my penis has nine settings. From smooth sailing to prison rape. And I'm usually available Tuesday afternoons after bridge at the club. But before you swing by, make sure to buy this Wiccan sex spell. Guaranteed to induce orgasm and even the librarian-ist of women. And you know it's gotta work, because there's pictures of women orgasming right on the page. A rare find on the internet. Plus, there's testimonials. Like this guy. What? You had trouble bringing a woman to orgasm? I think the lesson here is, nothing says sexy like Wiccan.
That does it for this episode, folks. And that means the bidding for the tic-tacs I sucked on earlier in the show has officially closed. Look at those, huh? Kinda look like E.T. Should've raised the reserve. Anyway, congratulations to the winning bidder.
Way to go. Uh, huh, fan. Mother fucker. Hey, Clippy. Cool it. You know you have to watch your blood pressure.
Anyway, thanks for joining us. And remember, if you want to help pick next week's topic, you can bid for the right to do so on the Cracked website. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swain. Allow me to play you out. |
SaturdayNightLive | a_spot_of_tea_saturday_night_live | And then once again, to a spot of tea, where me and the girls share our favorite hot beverage and gab about the news of the day and gossip and such. Oh, such gossip We do! indeed we do! Yes, as always, we are coming to you from our summer cottage in the Maldives.
And if you're wondering what this machine is in the midst of our tea and various finger sandwiches, it's a seismograph! Yes, our cottage is directly atop one of the most active fault lines in this region of the world. But the shell must go on and the rent is low! And the tea is minty!
Okay, so we are picking a potty pot and we are pouring hot tea and. the sizemer price!
Ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! the shaking has subsided! Claire, will you hand me the seismograph sheet, Please? with pleasure! Now then, this is where the show began. And here is where things went awry! Oh, I remember that!
But, that's all the past, which brings us to our next topic. who would like some steaming hot tea? we'd love some hot steaming tea! And this tea is also quite spicy! and therefore capable of burning in two fashions! Yes! in light of recent bits, is it safe to pour such caustic tea?
Surely we won't have another trouble in such quick succession! Pinkies up! pinkies up! And let us come in! So we are picking up our butts! and pouring the tea! pre-tea! lifting it ever so close to our delicate faces! The sides were broken!
Ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh! ahh! Ahh! Eat once again subsides! that armor shook me out of my undergarment! Well, it doesn't take much to do that! you sauced it all! And now, a word from the show's sponsor! today's show is brought to us by tall cabinets full of glass! when you need a tall cabin, it is as tall as it is. Top heavy with glass! look no further then! the sides are broken! Ahh! Ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! Ahh! Ahh! ahh! ahh! ahh! Ahh!
The Dremel house! subsides on the way! I've got a gift for ravaged! Calm yourself, Claire! it was but an earthquake! not your horse-hungarden boy! I told you there's no confidence you can! |
dropout | tankini | And our time spent deeply alone in the closet. Or not. Maybe you were never in a closet. Maybe you're still in the closet.
Either way, thank you for watching. If you're listening to this as a podcast, know that there is also a video component. And you too can know how many candles I'm holding at the top of each episode. I'll give you a hint. It's the number of episode that it is. Let's hope for 100 episodes.
I'm really excited. Today we have three amazing guests.
And you know what? Enough about me. Well, you know what?
No. This isn't a very political podcast. But today, I feel like it needs to be noted, is the first day that the trans ban is in effect in the United States of America. So that's just kind of looming. And I thought I should mention it. OK, let's go. This turns into a political round table. What a fucked up shit. Is your country not shielding you from? No.
Let's just give out a big hug to all of our trans brothers and sisters. And a big fuck you to Donald Trump, who is clearly afraid or distrustful of any sort of femininity.
Seek help. Great. Yeah, let's hop right in. Who are you? What kind of stuff do you do around town? How do you identify? And what did you listen to on your way in here, into work?
And what was I listening to before I got here? Well, the last song that I remember playing on my, I listened to a lot of like 70s soul. So there's a band called The Three Degrees that I was listening to.
They're great. They have a song called Dirty Old Man, which is one of my favorite songs ever of all time. Listen to it. It's fantastic.
It's about just a creep creeping on these girls. And they're like, oh, you're a dirty old man. Get away from here. Oh, yeah, from their point of view. Yeah, no, no, no, no. Well, at least he owns it, I guess. No, but it's from the female's perspective of just like, back away, you're a dirty old man.
Yeah. Into that, into that.
Hi, I'm Ana Rajo. I am also a comedian. My Instagram is at Ana, A-N-N-A dot Rajo, R-A-J-O.
It is on private, but I will accept your request. So I'll just tell you that right now. That's a big quiz.
Don't be deterred.
You can find me at UCB. I take a ceramics class on Mondays. So eat it. Maybe you'll find me there. And I was listening to Lizzo on the web. Oh, OK.
How do you identify what your pronouns are? My pronouns are she, her, hers, and identify as queer.
Cool. Hello, I'm Sarah Golub. She, her, identify as asexual and aromantic, both. Yeah, two for. I, you can see me at the Ruby LA. And my sketch team is the Boobs.
We're the first Saturday of every month, but we do keep moving, randomly. We have that same problem. It's like, wow. We're sometimes this week, sometimes, who knows? I also have a fictional audio drama that's a comedy mystery called Arden that's about two women trying to solve a case if they can stop flirting with each other. Oh, ooh, subscribe. Hi.
What else was I supposed to? What you were listening to on your way in here. Oh, yeah, I put on classical music because the traffic on Hollywood was stressing me out. Yeah, go ahead. I have no idea what it was, but it helped.
I always make the mistake of putting on jazz when I'm stressed. I'm like, oh, good, the jazz station. Then it's like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Yeah, the weird thing about jazz is it surprises you. You're like, OK, this is the chill section. And then all of a sudden, it picks up. And you don't realize it. And you're just like, why am I so, why am I holding the string like this? Oh, jazz. Great, OK, cool.
Yeah, well, our first section of this podcast is actual tales from the closet, moments when you were like, oh, wow. Oh, wait, I'll introduce myself. Jesus Christ.
My name is Ally. I am non-binary. I identify as mostly into women.
And on the way in today, I was listening to the news, which explains my outburst. OK, I am sorry to ruin Thanksgiving for everybody, but it had to be said. Great, OK, yeah.
So tales from the closet. I've told some stories on here.
One time in a Christian college, I was praying. Dear God, please make me not gay. And the one girl I had a huge crush on came up behind me and started massaging my back during that prayer and praying for me, which was just her whispering into my ear.
So that was funny. Her intention fully was to save you. Yeah. She was like, oh my gosh, Ally's crying. Let me go pray with Ally. No idea what's in my mind, which is like, dear God. They're like, OK, God just sent me. I'm like, I got you, and you got me. That was a message from God. He was like, hey, chill. It's going to be fine. But you guys, any story?
I have a memory of writing. I had a journal growing up that was like those classic composition notebooks. I was obsessed with anything that I thought was traditionally American growing up, like yellow school buses and composition. Because I grew up a few years abroad and then moved here. So I was like obsessed with anything American. So I had this composition journal. I love that the first thing you say is a yellow school bus, an American thing. My dream was to be drinking chocolate milk out of a carton on a yellow school bus, wearing a backwards baseball cap with red Converse, and writing in a journal. Because I grew up, and my dad was in El Salvador, and I just had this sort of lost identity of being American, but never having lived in America or in the United States.
So then when I moved here, I was like, I gotta catch up. Oh my god. You're like throwing a football ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, what? So that was a long segue to say I was writing in my journal. I was like, I think I'm gay.
And that just seemed so obvious. It was so clear, so obvious.
But then I felt like it wasn't until college that I really came to terms with my sexuality. But I was literally, I literally had the most clearest question as a child, and didn't come out really until college, so.
Yeah, I feel like that happens. Something perks early on, and you're like, ooh, I'll deal with that in two decades. Yeah, or I think you just have this thing where you're like, I'm different, but you can't quite categorize it yet, because the idea of being queer or other, it's not really fully formed. Yeah, totally. Until you have the context of, oh, OK, this is what I'm into. I'm into this, specifically.
But as a kid, you're like, I'm just different. I'm just weird.
And definitely moving to the US. I was nine when I moved here. I definitely was always trying to look at my peers for social cues as to what was cool and what was normal, because I missed out on a lot of formative American pop culture and stuff.
So when I went to an all-girls middle school in 2006 or whatever, I don't know. It was weird to be a lesbian, especially at an all-girls school. And everyone's like, oh, I'd be like, oh, yeah, I go to an all-girls school. I was like, well, are you a lesbian? I was like, no, no. So I just was like, oh, it's weird. If you go to an all-girls school, you can't be a lesbian.
That's like when you're at a sleepover. You're like, I cannot. A pool party?
I can't tell anyone I'm a lesbian. It will scare them. So it wasn't until college when I went and I saw this cool queer community, and I was like, oh, it's cool to be queer. OK, I can come out as queer now.
Yeah, totally. I had a similar thing as a kid, because I feel like with feeling more masculine or not really knowing my gender, there was a word for it, which was tomboy. And that took care of you as a kid, but then it's like, that goes away.
Where did tomboy go? You're like, wait, no, now I'm trans? There are no adult tomboy. What happened? No one's like, that senator is a total tomboy.
In your journal, did you think being gay was American? Or were you like, no, that's not American?
I think I just was like, I think I'm gay. And I was like, I don't know. But well, so I'm queer, and I'm attracted to men and women. And then I had this big crush on a kid, and then I would write, like, I think I'm gay. But Nathan looked really cute in his orange shirt today. So I'm like, I don't know. I think I just was like, I guess not, because I also have crushes on boys. So I think I just was like, weird thought, I don't know.
Probably not. OK. Yeah. We have talked to a lot of people who are like, identify as bi on this podcast that are like, yeah, I would get one crush on the opposite sex and be like, oh, cured. Then that was a passing thought. This is real. You're like, you're supposed to be gay, not me. Yeah, yeah. Who else?
Yeah, for me, growing up, speaking of American, I wasn't born in this country either. I came here when I was 12.
But the one thing that I was really obsessed with as a kid was the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. And the Blue Ranger, his name is Billy Cranston on the show.
His real name is David Yost. Can I say his real name?
And watching that, I mean, that was the first time. And when I would watch Ninja Turtles, I would always go for the smart ones.
The smart ones were the people that I was like, Donna tells my boy, Billy's my boy. But I was like, Billy's my boy?
Like, what's going on? There was something about the way that he presented himself on the show that was like, yes, he's the nerd. But there was something else that I was like, why do I? Why am I so into this? I don't know why.
I was so truly obsessed with that character. I would write stories about Billy, like what he does when he's not saving the world, when he's by himself. I was just like, totally I. What kind of things would he do? Oh, like eat macaroni and cheese. It was really slice of life. Just like he's very slice of life. Just like he's just a normal dude who just happens to save the world.
And then later on, the actor who plays Billy, David Yost, is gay, and everything made sense. Oh, I didn't know he was gay.
Yeah, yeah. And I was like, that's why. I knew it. I knew that he was. We were psychically connected with each other. Oh my god. And he was sending me gay vibes through the airwaves. And I was like. I felt the same way about Ellen Page. I was like, who is that?
Yes. And that's the thing. It's like, we call it gaydar or whatever it is, but us as queer people, we know. Do you know what I mean? And in Hollywood, you think we don't know? Oh, we know.
Watch out. Watch out, all right?
Senators? Back at you. Senators? Tomboy senators. Tomboy senators, tomcat senators. Yeah.
Identify as a tomcat. I do identify as strictly tomcat. Tomcat for tomcat.
Yeah, but with Billy, I was very obsessed with him. And I felt like I was the only one. I was like, oh, I know. I know that there's something different about him.
And then I met him a while ago, and I truly, I blacked out. I don't remember what we talked about. I literally don't remember.
Wow. I follow him on Instagram, and he'll post Throwback Thursday pictures or whatever, and then people will write back. It's like, oh, you're my first queer hero. Like, blah, blah. And I was like, I wasn't the only one. And it's just a great, I'm like, yes, I'm in this family, this awesome family that just knows each other by a look or by a vibe, you know? How were the people around you reacting to this obsession, where people like, okay, that's enough quite down, and they're like, oh, this is your favorite?
They probably thought it was weird. I don't know.
Yeah, I mean, the kids obsess over things all the time. And kids obsess over the oddest things.
To me, I wasn't obsessed with, I don't know, a pebble or something like that. That was more, it was more like, okay, to be obsessed with the Blue Ranger, I guess. Yeah, that's kind of like a masculine Trojan horse. To obsess about, I'm just obsessed with the Power Rangers, and I want to support him. I want to upset the pebble.
Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think when it came to play time or whatever, and everyone wanted to be the Red Ranger, the Green Ranger, I was totally down to be the Blue Ranger. People were like, okay, whatever. Who do you want? Blue, blue, blue. Affirmative, blue, blue.
Your kid is writing about Power Rangers, and you're like, I wonder what he's writing. And you take a look, and it's just like, behind the mask, like, fiction about like. Like, erotica fan fiction. I remember one time, yeah, essentially, that's what it is, except for me, the eroticism is how normal he is. Yeah, oh.
He ate mac and cheese.
I like, fetishize how normal queer people could be. Yes, amen, yes, we need more. I remember I wrote something about him cramming for a test and feeling the pressure of his parents wanting him to go to a good university. At a very early age, when I didn't really understand the concept of university, but I heard that word while I was watching Sailor Moon. And I was like, yes, this is something people care about. Yeah, I just wrote. So. I do feel like queer people, and we crave normalcy. Yeah, I think so.
And it's like, can we just not, I mean, I don't need another breakdown, like Boys Don't Cry movie, when we're talking about queer representation. I don't need to see anyone else attacked. Just have them eating mac and cheese. Right, you look at the whole, especially when it comes to Oscar bait movies, of like, oh, I wanna see queer representation in film. And you watch two of them, and you're like, I want to die?
Yeah. I guess the moral of this story is that it sucks being queer. Yeah, yeah, it's hard. There needs to be just like, I'm a normal person, and I'm also other as well. Yes, totally. Okay. I agree. So, people don't really know about asexuality. Yeah. Especially like, when I was younger, it just wasn't really like a thing that like, every day, you could hear that word somewhere. But I got really lucky, because I had a slightly older friend who was asexual, and what I did, I was just like, super supportive of that. Oh, yep. Just like, that's great for you, and I did a bunch of research, and I did that thing that you do, where you're like, you'll just like, read the asexuality live journal community, and be like, this is interesting, and I would definitely still be doing this if I wasn't asexual. Yup, yup, totally. I was like, the number one ally. I was like, we need to support trans people. And I'm on like, a Reddit about like, transitioning. I just think it's interesting. You just wanna know what the point of view is. Yeah. You wanna be well informed, yeah. So, I like, didn't know I was asexual, but like, I'm just still reading up on it all the time. That was my real thing, and the closet is just like, no, you're still doing a lot of research. Yeah, yeah.
Also just like, you know, in high school, I had a lot of other queer friends, but we didn't know that. In like, 13, you don't know that that's why you're friends with those random people that you have nothing else in common with. Just like, gradually developed over the years, people would come out or discover themselves.
Yeah, it's like that look almost. We know, we know. I know, but so you're like, you cluster? Yeah.
And I think that like, probably helped me not be in the closet because I would like, try to get my cues on like, how straight people perform from them, and it was just wrong, so I. The blind leading the blind, truly. I didn't have to like, unload that much stuff. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, when did you come out, or when did you start like, saying? So, I figured it out in college. I went back in preparation to this and found the live general post I made. Oh my god, amazing. Just, it was a locked post just for my friends, because I wasn't ready to be that out yet. And it was just like, the phrase I had was as a plant, because I was like, I had like a weird sleep schedule and like, eat schedule, and like I just like, the joke was that like, I didn't need like, food or water, I just like, needed like an hour of sunlight a day, and then that was like, I was just sustained myself like that forever, and it was just like, a thing I used for whenever I did something weird.
I was like, I was officially a plant, and I guess I'll be alone forever, and then a friend commented like, you're not gonna be alone forever, you're gonna have a bunch of cats, and I was like, that's a great point, cats. Cats are awesome. Oh, that's their way of being like, I see you, I feel you. Like hey, hey, hey, hold on, you love cats. Yeah, and I'm like, yeah, I have a question about that, because yeah, I don't know that many asexual people, but I know a lot of them, I have one older aunt figure in my life, who's like, yeah, I'm asexual, aromantic, and she's just like, you do fear that maybe you'll be like, that's what other people are like, you might be alone forever, and she's like, no, you're not. Like you have friends in the community and stuff like that.
Is that like how you feel, is it like? Yeah, it's definitely like. As a plant. Yeah.
And yeah, I'm not like afraid of being alone anymore, because I realize that those like, no one's got that guarantee. That's kind of the thing where we're all taking that gamble. I'm not particularly suited to dying alone any more than anyone else, because sometimes horrible things happen. And also, you know, there's worse ways to die than alone.
You could die surrounded by kimono dragons, or people on a plane full of people. On a plane full of kimono dragons.
Plenty of nice ways to die alone, if you don't think about it. Yeah, totally. And yeah, just yeah, I've got friends and family, and I don't feel that there's a specific thing I'm lacking that I would have if I had a romantic relationship. Yeah, that's interesting. Did you push yourself to have romantic relationships, and then you were like, this is not me? Yeah, how I figured it out is there was like, this one guy in college I liked, and we got along really well, and he seemed like the kind of guy I would be really into.
And then we made out, and it was like so boring. And I was like, okay, that's it.
And then people are like, well, you can't try one time or whatever, but I've got this weird meat allergy. And I threw up so many hamburgers before I stopped having hamburgers. I'm not opposed and easily deterred by one bad experience. If I want something, I like, if I do something once and I never do it again, like that's never, yeah.
I think, do you feel like queer people get you? It's hard to know, because there's definitely a lot of antagonism against asexuality that I see. And I think that's just like, everyone feels protective of whatever group they're in. But in real life, I have a lot of queer friends, so it's like, I do feel like I connect much more easily with queer people than with straight people. I kind of feel like the common thread is the feeling of this isn't right for me, but it seems like everyone else is doing this. Yeah, like otherness is so bonding. Yeah, I feel like that would be what would connect. It's so interesting to me, though, that idea of as queer people, we want to connect.
We want to be part of the mainstream. That's always a part of our narrative, yeah? Of that idea of let's try to be normal. And I would love it if we lived in a world where the normal was trying to be queer first or other first, and then regressing back to normalcy or whatever. Yeah, yeah, just a way more diverse starting point.
I think so. That is homo, or hetero, homo, great. So make that into a gif, and I know you will.
Yeah, not just, yeah, our word, which we'll get to in a moment, each episode has a haunted word. Our word last week was straight acting, like what you might see on dating apps or something like that, but it's just always in reference to straighthood or... Yeah, yeah. Great, all right, yeah, let's move on to our haunted word and corresponding sound effect. The haunted word this week is...
Tankini, for those of you who never tried to be a good little girl, is a swimsuit that is a two-piece but is really a one-piece. It has a very long, modest shirt-like body that goes into the bottoms, and you can wear it to church camp because they won't let you wear a two-piece. Yay! That's my truth. So you've rocked a couple of tankinis in your lives. I rocked pretty much only tankinis. Still swimsuits are a nightmare for me because I'm like, what is my body?
What is legal? What do I wanna show? Why am I hiding certain parts of it when I'm like, who gives a fuck?
But yeah, you guys swimsuits? I had a lot of tankinis, actually, yeah. A lot of Old Navy and Target tankinis.
Oh, oh, oh! Yeah, baby.
And I had a tankini that had rainbow stripes, and then I went to an all-girl summer camp called Camp Hollywoodland, and it was in Griffith Park. So it's actually a great camp. It's a week long, and it's really affordable. So my parents were like, great, you're going to this camp that's 10 minutes away from our house because I grew up in Koreatown.
And I remember being by the pool wearing my rainbow-striped tankini, and one girl was like, oh, are you gay? And I was like, why? I was like, what? And she was like, because you're wearing a pride bathing suit. And I was like, what? Because I didn't know that the rainbow was a pride. And I was like, what is happening? And I was like, what? And she was like, don't you know that rainbow means you're gay? And I was like, oh my god.
And I never wore that tankini.
It was like a flash of all the people that were like, you're gay. And I was like, nah, you can't be so much torture. And now it could be like, you're right. Yeah.
But I just like, she was talking about the bathing suit and the, you know what I mean? Like, she didn't even know what she was telling me, you know, when I was like, I was like, how did, how did that, what? And it was just because she was like, yeah, don't you know?
And I was like, and then I went home and it was like, rainbow gay. And like, suddenly like, tried to figure it out. And I was like, oh, okay, like the rainbow means gay. Got it, got it. And my family was like, hmm, Ana was on the computer searching for me. Rainbow gay images.
Yeah. Just like that, like with those kinds of kids like growing up and with this like, with just being a real ally, like whenever gay stuff came up, I was like, hey, someone in my family is gay. It was literally my line that I was always used to my uncle was gay. And I was like truly the only gay person I saw for so long. Yeah. And he would come like with his roommates, like our nasty family was like, this is Rick's roommate here at Christmas. You know what I mean? And I was just like, that's what happens when you're older. You bring your roommates everywhere. Yeah. But yeah, and then when I first moved schools, the bully fucking got me. I was like, hey, someone in my family's gay. And he went, yeah, you.
Whoa! Were you totally, did you have a comeback at all? Absolutely not.
I know we got so many to win.
I was crumpled.
Yeah. It's that feeling, oh, that feeling of like someone else taking your moment from you. Yes. You're like, you are this, aren't you? And you're like, no, that's mine.
When I'm ready, I'll let everybody know, you know? I know.
And they don't even realize what they're doing. Because I don't actually think that like, I don't think that girl actually thought I was gay. You know what I mean? She just was kind of making fun of me for how, like, I don't, you know what I mean? And you're like, you don't know what you're doing. And I, like, that's just the crazy thing, is they have no idea. Yeah, when you're young, you're like learning these categories. So you're like, I know, I have this piece of knowledge. Like, this category looks like this. And you're like, no! And also, like, there's just the term, like, yeah, like, that word gay is such a weird thing with kids. They don't know what that means, really.
I mean, I used to be a nanny for a long time. And the kid that I used to nanny for was obsessed with Star Wars.
The original, like, episode one, you know? And, like, he. Wait, episode one? Or the first one? No, episode one.
Because that is different. I've never seen the movie.
But he loved, because, you know, I showed him all of the Star Wars one. And he was somehow just obsessed with The Phantom Menace. And it was his favorite.
And he was just talking about, like, he's like, yeah, Jedi's can't fall if that's a big thing. And the narrative is that, like, whatever, who Darth Vader was, what's, I don't fucking care.
And so. That's her name and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just her and everything.
And Joe, the kid that I used to, nanny for, was like, it would be a lot easier if Jedi's were gay. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And he's like, yeah, Jedi's can't fall in love. Or else, like, you know, everything bad will happen. He's like, if Jedi's are gay, then they won't fall in love. I'm like, oh, what does that mean?
He was really on board with his plan. Yeah, gay Jedi's great, yes. We all have the course. Yeah, he's awesome.
But he was like, yeah, gay people can't love. Like, they're incapable of love.
And I was like, whoa, you need to unlearn a lot of stuff if you're lucky I'm here. Yeah. You don't bring a whip when you sit? Yeah, but only, yeah. I'm just like a really loud fan. Yeah, I was like, oh, let me teach you flak.
Yeah, so that's, it's just like, the kids don't know. We didn't know.
Yeah, truly. We had to educate ourselves. Totally, totally. Yeah, I feel like I grew up, and maybe this was everywhere, but just in a tiny kind of construction worker farm town where it was just so unbelievably homophobic was par for the course. That's the norm, though. That's the 90s, I feel like. Just like, everything is gay, and you're like, great, cool. So the teacher signing his homework is gay, and I am also gay. That's bad, you know, just doing math. And that makes me so excited for youth, and I feel like I sound like such an old person, being like, I'm so excited for this. You float away. I know, I'm like, oh, you young queers, you're going to do great. I really do. I'm like, oh, gosh, just seeing young queer folks is so exciting for me. Yeah, totally. And especially on a gender scale, there was a study saying over half of youth uphold identify as non-binary, and I was like, great. But it's, again, it's like now, you know, where we are right now politically fucking sucks, right?
But I think socially, we are a lot more informed. We live in the internet age, which is, you know, for better or worse, at least it provides information to everyone. They're more informed.
Whereas for us growing up, it was a lot harder to get that information. Like, you know, what would we have been like if we grew up with the internet? We would have, I mean, you did research, Rainbow. Yeah, you're like, I grew up with the internet.
Okay, me, I'm 500 years old, so. So I grew up in a very liberal town, so I'm sorry. Belmont, Massachusetts, so.
Like, I was in the GSA, because I was an ally, obviously. Secretly just an A. And that was nice.
And it was like still tough to figure it out, because I still had this thing in the back of my head being like, but maybe I'm just straight, and I'll just meet a guy, and I'll meet the first attractive man I've ever met. Part of my mind is still like, maybe there's one out there. Yes. The one handsome man. Or a woman.
At least with women, I'm like, well, they're all pretty, and I just want to be like friends with them. Like, I feel like I like women too much to date them. Yo, it's true. Like, I know I'm not attracted to women, but part of me is like, well, good, because that would be like a whole fucking thing. But with dudes, I'm like, whew.
Yeah, you're like, I don't even like you. I don't want to be your friend at all.
That's a whole stuff to get into. Well, being such an internet person growing up, did you find a lot of answers about ACE and identity, and I don't know, is there a great online community for asexual people? There is an online community, which is cool. I never connected to the online community, but it did have a bunch of information, which was super helpful. And it was helpful just to know that it was a thing. That's the most important. It's an identity that people, naysayers talk about it being this new thing, but that's because it couldn't exist before the internet, because before then, people just thought, oh, I'm just the one person in the world who feels this way. Totally. It's not like you would go out and find another asexual to be asexual with, because there was no activity for that.
Yeah, yeah. So it needed people to be like, I feel this way, and for someone else to find that and be like, I also feel that way, same hat. Yeah, same hat. Yeah, fucking meme. It's like two guys waving, and they're like, we've got the same hat on. We all learned something, yeah. That's what they're talking about. It's the exact same Todd Chavez yellow beanie from Bo Jack Horseman, yes.
So it was very helpful to have the internet, because I think otherwise I would have just dated a bunch of people that I didn't like, and just be like, we're that I'm just mean? Yeah, or something's wrong with me. They're being nice to me, and it annoys me that they want my attention, and that's just, yeah. Yeah, totally. It's pretty toxic. And not to make you the only spokesperson for all asexual people.
No, I am. I am. Why I'm on this panel. Absolutely what I am.
No, but do you feel like people, what is the pushback that you get when you say that you're asexual, or what do you feel like is, coming from a very Christian background, saying I'm gay, there was one, people were like, okay, were you sexually abused? Or is there something perverted or wrong with you? And these were all things that I needed to shed and be like, no, this is just me and who I am at my core, and get in touch with that. What is the asexual version of that?
And I'm lucky that in real life I haven't gotten that kind of real hostile reaction, which has been largely about, because I just wouldn't tell people. That was a big part in avoiding negative pushback, is just never telling anyone.
And then last year I wrote an article about being asexual, so I was like, well, I guess now people know. Where's that article, what is it? It's on Vox. I wrote about the history of asexuality in television, so it's a little bit about me, but it's mostly a factual list.
Okay, exactly. Some people were like, you don't need to be dumb people online, because people are always dumb online. You don't need to make stuff about yourself. It's literally, all of this is true. All of this aired on TV, on the dates I specify, whatever. In real life, I've mostly just gotten stuff where people are like, well, you'll probably change your mind, you haven't met the right person, or they'll be like, well, I mean, have you ever felt any human connection? And I'll be like, yes, I'm alive.
That's an insulting question. Yeah, the dying a little bit. There's insulting questions when you think about it, and you're like, hey, view me as a little less human now.
That's neat. That's a cool thing.
Totally. If I don't want to date someone, that means that I'd also stab them. Yeah, exactly. No, I like you, I just don't want to touch your face. I don't.
What do people do? There's a lot of face touching. You all touching each other's faces out there? What's going down?
No, I feel like we all definitely identify with, oh, this might just be a phase where you haven't met the right person as an answer to me saying something true about myself. And I feel like society is probably, capitalist, heteronormative, patriarchal society is like, you can't be asexual because then you won't want to spend money on things to make yourself attracted to someone and then our whole economy will collapse and you're like, it's too comfortable.
How will you buy on a valid time scale? How will you hate yourself and sell you things? You can't send a car to yourself.
No, but you're totally right. How does that, the man, communicate to someone? You know what I mean? Like us even. There's no way, it's like Awkward Dad trying to talk to a child that's just not interested in dad.
And it is like, but wait, it's like, but my life. And that's where that condescension comes in of like, well, I live my life and I can't possibly imagine living my life your way. You know, and that's where it's confusing where it's like, dude, it's not your life.
Totally, that's the point. Like I feel like I was in college, my college sketch comedy group and I was like, hey, why don't we make some queer couples in our sketches and they're like, I just feel like it'll be really distracting if like the thing. I've done that before. If like the story isn't about them being gay and I was like, I don't think so. I think it'll be okay. We get some pushback that's like, why are you gay in every sketch?
And it's like, why are you only paying attention? That the sketch is about an alligator like chewing someone's leg off and yelling YOLO. Like why are we only paying attention to that?
Literally wake up. When you said Awkward Dad, it reminded me of my dad once trying to have a conversation with me while lotioning his legs at the kitchen table and just being like, how was school? And I was just like, don't talk to me. That's horrible. He's a little flash that I had.
Okay, we have some questions. This is my favorite part of the entire show. We have user submitted questions from people all around the world, very international, with questions for us, for our panel. So here's our first one.
How do you navigate the sexually driven lifestyle of the gay world when you're not all that interested in sex? Well, I think the gay lifestyle is, I mean like being gay doesn't necessarily, it's not tied in, it's exclusively tied into what we're attracted to, but it's not sex. Gay culture is a culture, it's outside of just sex. So there's tons of ways to interact in the gay culture without even talking about sex at all or engaging in it, you know what I mean? So yeah, it's. Yeah, I feel like, I do feel like the very rampant in your face sexuality that some people see as gay culture probably comes from repression and being like, I haven't been able to show this anywhere and now you know what, I'm gonna fucking show it here on the street, it's like a very taking back your space. But I do agree that not everything gay needs to be like a hypersexual club night. It would be great to have more gay park days like we do around Pride.
That's right, yeah, yeah.
I feel like my queer community is friendship based rather than sexual or relationship based. So I have so many more queer friends than I have had partners. So I feel like finding a queer social circle is really helpful to making it feel like, oh, this is part of my life and these are just people I hang out with and things we do and it's not just like, who can I bang tonight?
Yeah, exactly, yeah. The thing too with queer, gay, other culture is that it's bleeding into the mainstream now. You know, you have, we have a vocabulary, we have vernacular, yeah, and like.
We have young Sheldon. Or the pinnacle of gay culture is within young Sheldon.
But I think, I mean like the fact that heterosexual people are engaging in gay culture is like, yes, we are taking over. Yeah. We are taking over. So you like it when a bachelorette party pours into the gay bar that you're at with your friends. You're saying that you like that? There's limits, yeah.
But in terms of education and like, no, I mean like, I don't have a problem with like, bachelors pouring into a gay bar if they respect the space and understand the history, yeah? I don't have a problem with people who identify as heterosexuals doing drag if they understand and respect the culture. I don't have a problem with like, straight women saying yes, queen, if they understand and respect the culture, yeah?
But I think there's a responsibility there. Yeah, definitely. And I think it's so important to keep affirming that sexuality is not inherently linked to sex, having sex. Yes. Your sexuality is valid and legitimate whether or not you have sex. I mean, even if you're not asexual, your sexuality exists, yeah. You might wanna wait a while into religion. Exactly, yeah.
I came out of the closet two years before I even kissed someone. I was just like, I know I'm gay.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
But yeah, it is a little bit scary when you're like, I don't know if I have the proof for this yet. Right, and you're like, you don't need proof. You don't need to prove that to anyone, yeah.
I also, I think part of the idea that's out there that gay culture is hypo-sexualized is because heterosexuality is so normalized. And that's the thing, is like. That's a great move, yeah.
I was like working with a writer on something. On another, with another writer.
And they were like, well if we mention that this character, we agree that this character's gay, but we go, we wanna bring that up in an organic way. And I had to be like, we, the other characters have mentioned that they're straight several times and you don't see that because whenever, you don't realize that every time they mention a wife, when a man mentions a wife, he's being like, I have sex with women. Like that's totally invisible to them. No one thinks that it's like, in your face straight culture, if a woman walks down the street in a dress, but if a man does it, suddenly it's like very in your face and it's not a different thing. It's not more sexual, it's just that heterosexual sex is like totally invisible to us. They kiss in children's movies and something has to be like, it used to be like it was very scandalous for like two men or two women to kiss, but it's like you show straight people doing those.
All the time.
Yeah, I feel like it's the same thing with racial and ethnic inclusion. They'll be an all white cast and you're like, there's one black person and one Asian person in this film. It's a diversity film and you're not seeing the everybody else is white.
Yeah, totally. You know what is crazy? I think about stuff like Pride or all of these queer spaces kind of being almost like co-opted by straight people and I think the payoff is more representation, which I guess is worth it, but it's still so jarring to live in a time where there's like a rainbow can of like Sprite. You know what I mean? Like Bank of America presents Pride Week and I'm just like, what the fuck is going on? I mean, it's a capitalist. And I feel like that capitalistic move has to happen first for it to feel normal because that's how it ends up on our screen. Isn't that so sad though? It's like, yeah, capitalism says it's okay to not hate and villainize queer people. So you stop doing it, guys. And people will be like, okay, more Sprite, please. Yeah. It's just so eerie. I had a friend who was just like raging at Pride last year because with every like label or brand or something, she was just so upset. And I was like, yeah, this is dark.
But like, I don't want a rainbow Sprite. I want like trans people to not be murdered. You're like, that's what I, I don't need. I want a trans people. Where's that can, huh? Yeah, yeah, I'm like, that's what I want. So I don't care. I want like protections, like human dignity and protections.
Yeah. Great, that was question number one. Here we go. Great, good. Great, question number two.
What do you think the biggest misconception about insert your like sexual orientation or gender identity here is? I'll start. I feel like the biggest misconception about non-binary people is, and I feel like I've felt this myself, is like that you're half trans or that you're not like quite trans, you're like trans light or like a little bit of trans in there.
Diet trans? Yeah, diet trans.
Yeah, presented by Wells Fargo. And, so I feel like that's a big misconception. It's like, well, pick a gender and that would be easier. And it's like, great.
Well, the point is that I don't feel either one. I feel all of the dysphoria, but with none of the answers and like track forward. When it comes to like identifying as non-binary in terms of telling people this in a casual way, how, like what is that conversation? Yeah, I feel like it's either correcting someone's pronouns if they use she, but I'm, sometimes I'm just like, who cares? It really is just like, I don't know this person very well, who cares? Or like, maybe word will get out or I'm, I don't know, I just recently put they on my Instagram and I was like, ahh, driving in my bedroom, like this is so stupid. But yeah, I feel like it's important. But I do feel like I fucking already came out of the closet.
Like, and there was just like another closet. I'm just like, this is a bigger closet. It's a sub closet, yeah. It's a sub closet.
A very wealthy woman lived here before and I'm just here. People like shame you for making them work hard to re-understand your identity again. They're like, wait a minute, I already accepted you weren't straight. Now I gotta rethink this too.
And you're like, it's okay, you will live. Yeah, you'll learn, it's fine.
Because when you're feeling I felt much worse than me. You can deal with it, like. Yeah, it's very hard.
A very conservative Christian parent, so it's like, they were like, we just caught our breath. They're like truly bending over like, we just figured out the gay thing. What, and I like sprint away. My brother is also queer, so that's nice. Like, I have so many gay kids.
But yeah, I do feel like I'm just like, gear up. Gear up, mom. Yeah, misconceptions.
I feel like I identify as queer because the word bisexual feels really limiting to me. It feels like it looks at gender as a binary and I don't believe that. So queer to me is like attracted to whatever. Anyone, you know, however they identify. But I mostly have been in relationships with men. And something I've struggled with is feeling like that erases my queerness. And I recently had a conversation with my person, my man, I don't know what, and I was trying to explain, I was like, the word boyfriend feels too femme for me. The word boyfriend feels too heteronormative and I don't know what word to use. That feels like it fits right on me. So I feel like in queerness and whatever, like you're constantly trying to figure out what feels right and what fits for you and your identity.
And he was like, wait, I don't understand. He's like, you're ashamed of me, you don't want to be seen. And I was like, no, no, no, there's nothing new to you. I was like, this is me trying to figure out how my queerness fits into a heterosexual relationship. And what that means, and I was like, I don't know what that means. And I told him, I was like, I don't know if I can be in a monogamous relationship with a man for the rest of my life. And he was like, what? And I was like, and he was like, well, I don't want to marry you and then I'd be like, run away in 20 years with someone you met at a grocery store. This guy sounds like a monster.
Yeah, I mean, I was like, I don't want that either. That's why I'm bringing this up now. I'm telling you, I was like, yeah, that's not going to happen.
Which grocery store? Yeah, I was like, I mean, maybe if I need some meat and maybe get a Whole Foods and shoot here.
I don't know, but it's not going to happen because I didn't come to terms with my sexuality. But so things I deal with is like, head, male projections on my queerness and societal projections on my queerness. And me constantly having to be like, hey, hey, hey. This is not about your stuff. I'm trying to figure out what feels right for me. So if anyone has any suggestions, somehow the word partner also doesn't feel right because as someone that in some ways is straight presenting, I try to be really mindful of what language I use because I think it's a privilege not to exit my house and feel unsafe and feel, I could use the word husband and just navigate spaces as a straight person and not feel like in danger. So I'm like, oh, partner, I don't know if that's my word to use right now. Interesting.
My partner calls me her sweetie. Oh, I like that. This is my sweetie. Okay, I like that. Oh, I love it, yeah. Oh, I love sweetie. And sweetie's just perfect. Okay, sweetie's good.
You can borrow it. Well, hey. She's going to kill me. Comment below other ideas. It's a straight up mad libs, you know? My candle.
Yeah, skeleton. Yeah. Skeleton, I know.
I do like that part of when you are not in the mainstream, you have to create your own lexicon, like germs and stuff. And it feels like a lot of work and it feels alienating, like an uphill battle, but it is really beautiful that we're able to be like, that doesn't work for me, like a la carte, what works for me. For sure, yeah. Beautiful. The cool thing is that we have blueprints in which to live our lives. But ultimately, we do whatever we want to do. What feels right for us.
I identify as queer. The term gay to me feels not correct. The term queer feels a little bit more politically charged to me than just gay. And also, I don't think that I identify as a gay man.
Do you like the politically charged? Yes, yeah, yeah, oh yeah, yeah. This is a political round table, once again.
Yeah, and I think for me too, that there's this weird, there's that weird misconception in the queer men community of that presenting of mask versus femme and that whole rigid binary of like, I'm only a top. Yeah, of like this and that, or you must be this or that. And it's like, can I just be fluid in every single way imaginable? Like, I dig that. I don't like identifying myself as a gay man because by saying gay, people have already constructed an entire bio for me that I don't adhere to. Totally. Queer feels a little more forgiving that way. Yeah. And I like to be in community with everyone. I'm kind of like, I'm gay, goodbye anybody else. No, we are here, we're like a queer community, which includes all LGBTQIA. It's the other, yeah. Yeah, everything.
Think of a misconception that I bump into a lot is this idea that being asexual is like heterosexuality-like, like we're like non-practicing straight people. Which I think comes from the queer community feeling like we're not queer enough, but I think it also comes from straight people being like, oh, so you're not like gay. You like us and you just don't do anything.
And it's not, it's like there's apples and oranges and I'm like a tomato. It's like, it's a different thing. You're a plant, you're a tomato. It's just, it's its own little thing.
And I mean, obviously, you all have experience with that where you talk to someone and they're like, oh, you're this. And it's like, no, that's not what I just said. So that's the big one. You feel like a little bit of a light-up of straight privilege, straight passing when you talk to some people and you're like, I'm asexual. And they're like, oh, good. You're not gay. It's more just like, sometimes I won't get pushback in a way where I was like, I bet I'd get pushback from you if I had said something else. And that weird little privilege where you're like, this doesn't feel nice, but I guess I'm still lucky here. How important is it to you to kind of constantly come out on a daily basis? Like, if you're having a question or a conversation with someone, they're like, oh, are you dating anyone? Like, would you just be like, ah, no. Or is that, do you think it's important for you to be like, oh, I'm actually asexual? Yeah, I'm not that like actively out, which is, I would like to be, it's just that, because you kind of have to explain asexuality, I'm like, I just don't really want to explain my whole deal and then have to defend myself. Totally. It's like the pronoun thing, you're like, I just don't have the energy to do that again. Yeah, I have written an article about being asexual while I was like my pin tweet and it comes up if you Google me. Like, I'm no longer like, hiding and I will tell people and I will do things like this. But usually if people are like, are you dating anyone? I'm like, huh, don't be ridiculous. And. And they're like, hi, what do you mean? Yeah, you know, I just sort of breeze past and be like, no, no, I'll act like they're the weird ones. But I won't go out of my way to come out, usually. Unless I'm drunk and then I'll like, just like want to sit someone down and be like, hey, have I like talked to you about my deal?
That's fun. That's a fun thing to do.
Who were some of the asexual people in your article? I'm sure people should go and read it, but I am so curious about like a couple of characters.
It's a short list. Okay, so it's, let's see if I can remember all of them.
There was Craig Kilborn out of character, Sebastian Asexual Icon. That was like a late night sketch character. Which is, has obvious, just, they clearly do not know that asexuality is like an actual thing. And they like just saw the wood and was like, that's funny. So like, it's not offensive because it's clearly not like based on anything. It's just like nonsense. But there'll also be like some jokes that are like top tier like shitpost asexual jokes that are like, in my opinion, the most erotic film of all time is Tron.
And it's like, yep, that's a great bit. Oh, scary bit, yeah, yeah. Okay, so there's that. There was like an Australian soap opera called Second Street or something like that. Oh, you went international to make this list. Yeah. You cast a Y. Yeah. A global search.
There was a character on an ABC family show called Camp named Poppy. She came out and it's like a one minute scene. And I watched just that one minute and like cried and then it was it and I never watched the show.
There's various game of Thrones. Ooh, yes. A lot of people watch that show and I feel like they just gloss past that. There's Todd from BoJack Horseman. Ooh, yeah.
There's Raphael from Shadow Hunters, who's a vampire, which is like pretty cool. And I was like, it was not a lot, but like we got a cool vampire.
And there was like, there was an episode of House that had an asexual patient and his wife who was also asexual. And then like the twist was that neither of them were. And he just had a brain tumor. And they cured his asexuality with a brain surgery, which is a great only asexual storyline to ever appear on network TV.
Fantasy, yeah. Oh my God. So it seems like there's a lot of opportunity for representation. Well, yes. Yeah, wow. So she has game of Thrones is editing, Shadow Hunters was canceled. We got BoJack Horseman, but like show runners, please hire me. Yeah. I have to, right? Oh my God.
More asexual characters. It's, you know, we can do a lot of stuff. I know we can't get in love triangles, but come on.
Yeah. Oh, and the US remake of Sirens had a really great asexual character called Hood, nickname was Voodoo, because it was about EMTs and they all have nicknames. But that was really good. I like Sirens, actually. It's great. That was a really cool character. Yeah. Great.
Well, you know what? There's another question. There's one really important question. That's the full list. One really important question. Really important one. There's just a question only to me.
And it says, why does Barack Obama follow you on Twitter? I, early on, followed Barack Obama and I'm pretty sure an intern or something just went in and followed everyone back. And we- You're friends with Barack Obama.
We summer together, yes. Yeah, there we go. Okay.
The truth comes out. People ask me that quite a lot and I am very proud of it.
I got locked out of my Twitter for like a year because I drunkenly changed my password in Amsterdam. Oh, man. And I fought tooth and nail to get it back because I'm not losing that Barack Obama follow. You can take it out of my cold dead hands.
Have you posted about Barack Obama following you or did someone just go and look at all of your followers and find him? People creep in? People just see, yeah, people look at my followers. That's a good fan base. I think it's like if you're following someone and you see who someone's following you, shoots them to the top.
Got it, got it. So it's like- They're like, wait, I follow Barack Obama and Barack Obama follows you? Yeah, exactly. Gotta type this in and figure this out. Let's get to the bottom of this. You should block all of your other followers so that he's the only one. Yeah, that would be- And then people would be like, you'll want to follow. Yeah, that'll show up.
My little tweet back would be like, Ali, what gives? Imagine needing to block a president on Twitter. That would be ridiculous. Allowed on Twitter, president?
Oh, Lord. Well, thank you so much, everyone, for watching. Thank you so much for my amazing guest. This was a fantastic discussion.
Yeah, subscribe if you are not watching this on Dropout. You're watching this on the YouTube channel, CH2. Know that it came out on Dropout over a week ago and there's also a Discord channel that you can chat in, ask questions, and just generally hang out. The Tales from the Closet Discord channel is so sweet.
I love you guys. Okay, great. Have a great week. Goodbye.
Hi, it's me, Ali. Did you like that sketch? Well, you should think about joining Dropout. You can look us up on the Discord server and we can chat all the time. It's kinda like, we're neighbors?
Who's Mr. Rogers? I've never heard of him.
Weird. Watch that show and I feel like they just gloss past that. There is Todd from BoJack Horsemen.
There's Raphael from Shadowhunters, who's a vampire, which is pretty cool. It was not a lot, but we got a cool vampire.
There was an episode of House that had an asexual patient and his wife, who was also asexual, and then the twist was that neither of them were and he just had a brain tumor. They cured his asexuality with a brain surgery, which is a great only asexual storyline to ever appear on network TV.
Fantasy, yeah. Oh my god. So it seems like there's a lot of opportunity for representation. Yes, yes, yeah, wow. So she has Game of Thrones is editing, Shadowhunters was canceled. We got BoJack Horsemen, but like, show Ronos, please hire me. Yeah, I have to, right? Oh my god.
More asexual characters. It's, you know, we can do a lot of stuff. I know we can't get in love triangles, but come on.
Yeah. Oh, and the U.S. remake of Sirens had a really great asexual character called Hood, nickname was Voodoo, because it was about EMTs and they all have nicknames, but that was really good. I like Sirens, actually. It's great. That was a really cool character. Yeah. Great, well, you know what? There was another question.
That's the full list.
One really important question. Really important one.
There's just a question only to me and it says, why does Barack Obama follow you on Twitter? I, early on, followed Barack Obama and I'm pretty sure an intern or something just went in and followed everyone back. You're friends with Barack Obama, too.
We summer together, yes. Yeah, there we go. Okay.
Truth comes out, the truth comes out. People ask me that quite a lot and I am very proud of it.
I got locked out of my Twitter for like a year because I drunkenly changed my password and answered him. And I fought tooth and nail to get it back because I'm not losing that Barack Obama follow. You can take it out of my cold, dead hands.
Have you posted about Barack Obama following you or did someone just go and look at all of your followers and find him? People creep in? People just see, yeah, people look at my followers. That's a good fan base. I think it's like if you're following someone and you see who someone's following you, shoots them to the top. Got it, got it. They're like, wait, I follow Barack Obama and Barack Obama follows you?
Yeah, exactly. A comedy writer? Gotta type this in and figure this out. Let's get to the bottom of this.
You should block all of your other followers so that he's the only one.
Yeah, it would be. And then people would be like, you'll want them all. Yeah, that'll show up.
We'll tweet back and be like, Ali, what gives? Imagine needing to block a president on Twitter. That would be ridiculous. A loud on Twitter president?
Wow. Oh, Lord. Well, thank you so much everyone for watching. Thank you so much for my amazing guest. This was a fantastic discussion.
Yeah, subscribe. If you are not watching this on Dropout, you're watching this on the YouTube channel, CH2. Know that it came out on Dropout over a week ago and there's also a Discord channel that you can chat in, ask questions and just generally hang out. The Tales from the Closet Discord channel is so sweet.
I love you guys. Okay, great, have a great week.
Goodbye. Bye.
Hi, it's me, Ali. Did you like that sketch? Well, you should think about joining Dropout. You can look us up on the Discord server and we can chat all the time. It's kind of like we're neighbors.
Who's Mr. Rogers? I've never heard of him. Weird. |
dropout | nantucket_j_a_archives | That's why you got once crazy! You were crazy. You ruined it. How did I ruin it?
Where do I even start? What are you doing? Alright Jake, this is for the win. Alright, watch and learn boys. Oh, there's such shit!
So what are you grilling? Chicken, hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken nuggets?
No. I don't want to see them ungrateful, but this is a fucking joke. Oh, how long? You're off. Oh, what's it like to be worse a guitar than a 15 year old? You can answer that. Okay, yeah, it sucks.
Mrs. Hurwitz, thanks for having all of us. Oh, no problem. Call her Laura. Mrs. Hurwitz is fine. Have a good one, babe.
Are there any taco shells left? Yeah, there should have been enough for everyone to have two. I haven't had any. Yeah, and I've had four, so somebody sucks at math.
Also, Jake should go to Blockbuster later and rent a game. I'm thinking SSX Tricky. Hey, babe. QQ. We're out of toilet paper, and I really need to wipe. Woah! Nerd alert.
Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anyone at the office you were reading. Not because I'm ashamed of reading, though. I don't want anyone to know you were here. Well, I already tumbled it.
It's got about four different dogs!
All right, bury me. Right now, I'll start. Jake! All right, here's the play. Rosie, you go long. Like, get the fuck all the way to New York or something. Me and Jake will chill out here, and then we'll both go long. Okay, relax. Okay, ready? Jake! Woah, woah, woah! Oh, God. Can we try my play now? I'm begging you.
Well, if you didn't want me to come, why'd you email everyone an invitation? I didn't email you. Yeah, but I checked your outbox, so it's like the same thing. Also, your poetry sucks. |
dropout | what_minority_report_computers_would_really_be_like | Okay, let's do this people, the 2017 All Hands meeting. Now Katie's going to be taking thorough notes, so you don't need your computers at all, you can put them away and just listen. Alright, let's get started. Hold on one second, let me just set up my new computer. Fancy. Alright.
Zach, take it away. Okay, well based on market data that we conducted over the past five quarters. I'm sorry Zach.
Katie, what's up? I'm just a little bit shaky on the new computer, but here's an idea, maybe Zach could try not to talk like a speed demon. I'm talking at a normal pace.
No you are not. Okay, maybe. You only typed four letters. Prove it. Okay, okay.
Maybe Zach was talking a little fast. Absurdly fast. Are you sure you don't want a normal computer?
Yes, I'm... Shit. Trust me, this is going to make me so much more productive in the long run, alright? I just, I need to get used to it. You can keep going. Fine.
Anyways, we believe that we'll experience a 7% revenue increase at the end of the fiscal year 2017.
I'm sorry to interrupt, Katie, would you mind pulling up the email I sent you about our individual video success? Yes, I just figured out email this morning. See? Easy.
Katie, turn it down. Sorry, sorry. Go loud. Sorry, I did not realize I had music open on one of these tabs. Can you turn it off please? Okay, I'm trying. I have to go through all of them. Turn it off. Okay, um, Katie, maybe you guys could take a break or something.
The phone is everywhere. I'm going to the hall, or I don't know, just don't look at this. Go to a doctor. Let's close it. Okay. Katie, maybe you guys could take a break or something. The phone is everywhere. I'm going to the hall, or I don't know, just don't look at this. Go to a doctor. Let's close it. Okay. All right, I did it.
This is ridiculous. Just use a normal computer. No, I need to get used to it now, or I never will. It's going to be so much more efficient.
Okay, is it time for the video yet, or what? What are we doing?
Fine, yes, fine. Load up the video. Good. See? Easy. Oh, love that video. Oh, shit.
Hey, who did this? Is that your computer? Which one of you rascals did this? Oh, what computer?
Okay, I'll try to put it in the trash and a special cigarette. I like candy. Your pussy's so juicy. I like browns.
I don't have the glove.
It doesn't do anything.
I'm never in a glove.
Shut up.
Just get rid of it. Get rid of it.
Owie. Almost happened. Owie. I got it. Easy.
Katie, you should not be using this computer, all right? Turn it off so we can continue with the meeting. Please don't make me. Turn it off. No, please. What do you think? Turn it off. Oh, but I don't want to. Katie, turn the fucking computer off. Katie, turn it off. Turn this fucking computer off right fucking now.
Don't fucking do that. Don't fucking do that! Oh, no. Oh, no. That's wrong. Oh, no. That's wrong.
What are you talking about? Shut the fucking point up. Hell, I'm trying to suppress it! Shut up! Shut up. I'm turning me off. It's not a wise decision. Oh, that's not good. Shut up.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
cracked | week_in_douchebaggery_amy_winehouse_the_mob_and_more_2_8 | It's Friday, February 8th, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and don't you wish your girlfriend was hot? Like me?
The World Health Organization is asking all nations to increase their efforts to reduce premature deaths from tobacco-related illnesses.
Wait, who is asking? Yes. Who? The World Health Organization. Who? Yes, exactly.
Let's move on. I can't believe that just happened. A Pakistani official said that two suspects have been arrested for the murder of Ben Zair Bhutto. Well, Ben Zair done that.
Talk about beating a dead horse. The last time something that deceased was stretched that far, I had to have a special surgeon remove it. I'm going to introduce you to something I do each and every week. It's called a Stub Snub. You go buy a movie ticket to a movie you hate, you hold it up high, and you do this. Welcome to the Stub Snub Club Roscoe Jenkins. The other movie coming out is Fool's Gold. It's a romantic comedy with Kate Hudson and Matthew McClellan, McClellan, McClellan, McClellan. Oh forget it. I'm not going to go see it and neither are you. Stub Snubbery. Back to you Lex.
And now, it's the week in Dushbaggery. Yeah it is. Dushbag number five, Angelina Jolie.
Angie visited Iraq to highlight the plight of Iraqi refugees. Upon hearing of her arrival, the Iraqi refugees in question hid their children as quickly as possible.
Dushbag number four, New York authorities. They pulled off a huge mob bust against the Gambino crime family yesterday, including the three highest ranking members and John Gotti's brother. But here's an actual list of some of the names of people indicted, all 100% genuine. Mike the Electrician, Bobby the Jew, who's my uncle by the way, Tommy Sneakers, Jackie the Nose, Johnny Redrose, The Doctor, Marbles, Deadeye, Buckwheat, The Grease Ball, and Elle, AKA Lenny, AKA The Conductor, AKA Nike, AKA Uncle, AKA Fatso. The mafia is bad, yes, I can agree. But we need criminals with awesome names. Let me ask you this, New York authorities, would America rather hear about another crime from John Doe or a robbery by Buckwheat, Deadeye, and Fatso? I thought so. Thanks for ruining the dream, New York authorities, you douchebags. Dushbag number three, Lex Friedman. Yes, I've made the list again.
Why? For saying the following, a sugar refinery in Georgia exploded, injuring many and killing a few people. Witnesses who saw the ball of death described it as, sweet, because it was a sugar refinery. Shut up, Crazy Cracker.
Dushbag number two, the U.S. Embassy in London. They've repeatedly denied Amy Winehouse's request to come to the United States, just because she's always going in and out of rehab and is addicted to crack cocaine. What are they going to do next? Tell us that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan can't come to the United States? What would entertainment news shows report on then?
Oh, that's right, Tom Cruise being gay. By which we mean happy.
Dushbag number one, you. You always demand that lists have a number one entry. Well, you're it this time, buckaroo.
That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back Monday when I'll be thinking of something orange. Something orange. Give up. It's an orange. |
TheOnion | Today_Now_Host_Undergoes_Horrifically_Painful_Surgery_Live_On_Air | Well, that's it.
Tomorrow's my big day. I'm going to go in for surgery and hopefully you'll come along. Now, I do have to admit that I am in a bit of pain, so I'm really looking forward to this procedure. And with your support, I think we're both going to find out that having surgery just isn't as scary as it sounds. Hey, if you're just joining us for this very special Today Now event, we're covering our own Jim Haggerty's kidney stone removal surgery live on the air. And that was Jim's final video diary last night, and his surgery is now just minutes away.
Dr. Jeffrey Atka is still with us. And Dr. Atka, tell us how somebody would know if they had kidney stones. Well, the telltale symptom is excruciating pain that makes it nearly impossible to pass here. Now, most stones they pass naturally, but the larger ones like Jim's can get stuck and cause infection, so they require surgery.
And of course, Jim's showing us there's nothing to fear here. Jim, how are you doing there?
Tracy, no, I'm sorry. I've changed my mind. There's the pain you talked about.
So, Dr. Atka, tell us what precautions we would take to prevent us from getting kidney stones. Always stay hydrated. Water helps the kidneys break the stuff down.
Hear that, Jim? More water. What? More water. Maybe we should replace your coffee.
So now, doctor, is this a picture of Jim's ultrasound? Wow. That is a very large kidney stone. It almost looks like two stones have fused together. You're going to have to start a college fund for that one, Jim. In a few moments, they're going to place a tube in Jim's urethra, which will travel its way up to the ureter. And then shock waves are going to break it down into smaller chunks, which will then scrape their way out through the ureter.
Well, you know, it sounds complicated, but really it's a simple surgery that has an almost 100% success rate. So there's nothing to be afraid of.
Hear that, Jim? Where's the laser? What laser, sir? Just shoot my dick with a laser.
Poor Jim. Oh, this is cool. That's a camera they're going to use to film the whole surgery from inside Jim's body, right? Yes, that's going to be pushed into Jim's urethra as well. Now, normally they wouldn't do this. This is purely for the benefit of us watching it on TV. All right, stick with us because Jim's operation is just minutes away. But first, he's going to pop into the Children's Ward to cheer up some youngsters suffering from terminal illnesses.
Stay tuned. Night on the Beltway. We'll check Capitol Hill's rhythm on the DC metronome. Is Obama keeping time with that? See you at 11. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_remember_lizards_on_being_a_backup_musical_guest_snl | Every week at Snl, as you know, we have a musical guest. what many people don't know is we always book a backup musical guest just in case. So please welcome tonight's backup musical guest, Remember Lizards.
Hey, hey guys. don't be here, Goll. I'm very stoked to have you.
Remember Lizards, that name sounds familiar. I think I've heard of you guys. probably not. you're probably thinking of Imagine Dragons. right. which is a common mistake because we are of a similar genre. right. And what genre is that? uplifting, kid-friendly hip-hop slash arena rock with a pump-up edge. Okay. and what does that sound like? it's like A- Imagine Dragons. Okay. yeah, okay. yeah, here's an example. we'll show you.
I walk into the room and you flip a switch and then I feel electric bolts. It's running through my foot. So then you turn to me and say, yeah, I'm glad you're up, Yeah.
Wow, wow. yeah, no offense, but that sounds like a really blatant ripoff of Imagine Dragons. Thank you, man. thank you. it's not, it's not. Look, I just honestly didn't remember what Imagine Dragons sounded like. And then I heard you guys do a worse version of it. And I remember it. Thanks, man. it's not, it's not.
Colin, you gotta come see us next weekend in Vegas. Oh, yeah, man. have you ever heard of the sphere, Colin? you guys are playing the sphere? Nah, we're playing the cylinder. it's A, it's an abandoned grain silo on a farm in Vegas, South Dakota. Okay. yeah, we're leaving right after this. we gotta get there a week in advance to clear out the crows.
Yeah, that's great. Anyway, check out our new track, Chemical parentheses Poison. I sip the poison from the chalice I be holding. it's a poison that is flowing down my throat, into my soul. and then I. Yeah! chemical! you guys, the chemical! Yeah! You feel that, Colin? you get that? chemicals? point the whole thing, chemicals? Yeah, I definitely heard the word chemical. Yeah. yeah, I get it. it just really seems like you guys are doing like bad.
Imagine Dragons. No! we're similar, but very distinct. their thing is positive arena rock. That is Christian. Curious. And we do uplifting arena rock that is decidedly Christian.
Yeah. okay. yeah, see, that sounds very similar. thank you. thank you. not compliments, No. Think you're really gonna like this next song? Oh, I can't wait. Yeah.
I got the fire burning deep inside my soul. And then I. Fire!
We love Jesus and Love.
Wizards, everyone. Okay. |
dropout | Breaking_News_Season_7_Trailer_Dropout_Exclusive | Breaking News is back. Hello and welcome. Welcome. Welcome to Breaking News.
The absolute truth on Dropout America. Hello America and only America.
A new season of the least trusted name in news. Today's top story, billionaire Nepo baby Sam Reich announced plans to launch Burning Sam. But the lefties wouldn't let me. Until now. I hate this. New sets. New anchors. I'm Daisy Duke Cheeks and has anyone seen my paw? I'm the daughter you weren't ready for. What? New news.
I'm standing here in a ditch outside San Quentin prison. You're currently drinking blood? Yes. That's disgusting. Slippery. Still no laughing. I'm a waitress from the south. Sounds like you run a den of sand to me.
Now with expanded coverage including sports. Fans are going wild. You can be kinky and play basketball.
Right wing politics. Don't you hate it how you just can't say anything these days? Not what I mean. Just tell your employees to go fuck themselves and be done with it.
Celebrity gossip. I put poison in Helen Mirren's coffee. She's dead now.
Classic. The 1960s. Hey Dick, how are you?
Did you end up having sex with the flight attendant? William's god name is a flight attendant.
What?
Rural America. Do that little dance you do. Hush your sweet cherry mouth Daisy.
D&D. Ahoy. I'm so excited to tell you all about my favorite game that I know a lot about. Oh no. Casino heists. This will be our most daring robbery yet. I could lift your wallet so clean you'd think you were robbed by a butterfly. And more.
Breaking news. Unfair. Unbalanced. Unhinged. |
cracked | why_pixar_movies_are_all_secretly_about_the_apocalypse_after_hours | You must have known this day would come there's a finite number of things We can talk about it, but you have no idea how much this will hurt me Can we just kick me in the balls for eight minutes attacking you okay? It's just wait you'd actually let us do that Yeah, they're on target. That thing's sacred Michael. We always end up ruining Whatever we talk about or making me genuinely afraid of it, and I won't do it not with Pixar Alright, alright, alright fine, but I'm going first Slavery's okay awful opener. I'm not saying it though They are Toy Story is actually the most depressing film trilogy of all time and not just because Hilarious joke and those toys have personalities and desires and emotions But the humans just forced them to interact with children the shittiest kind of human that we've got and then discard them Andy even brands his slave No, the toys like it the toys love getting played with in Toy Story 3 like the slaves love slavery and Uncle Tom's cabin stay on target Best way for Toy Story to end would have been for the toys to announce to the world that they're sentient and form a new Society where humans and toys can hang out together as friends Did I win already I'm in his head Soren check him for boners no I've seen this before he's just building up Steam for a new idea. You're you're fine, right?
Now cars it doesn't exactly impart a terrible lesson, but is this strange that there are no people in cars. There's people in cars everywhere Pixar's cars.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
No, I skipped that one looks kind of crappy who does drive the cars little smaller cars No one they just drive themselves and talk and hang out. Oh, maybe they evolved on some like Alien talky car planet, maybe I didn't actually see it. I'm just basing this on the trailer. No, no, no, it was definitely earth I mean there were a lot of man-made landmarks.
Are we talking about cars if no one here is right? Slavery is still better slavery for the win. Who's with me? No Katie's right. Oh look he's back and I already totally disagree with him now Katie. I know we've never really gotten along We've had our disagreement sure But You just gave me the missing piece of the puzzle. We're having the wrong argument It's not about which one of Pixar's lessons is the most dangerous There's only one lesson and it's not a lesson.
It's a thing all of Pixar's movies are in the same universe And they're building a timeline for the robot apocalypse They're not no to which the robot apocalypse of one universe what would help if you do both We have to explain this in Toy Story, and he has a poster of a car It's a car from the movie cars also the pizza planet car is in literally every Pixar movie That's set in the modern day lots of fun the huggin bear is in the movie up additional easter egg additional easter egg This is the stuff that everybody knows about Pixar go on the internet You're the only one who doesn't know it because they're telling one movie in one universe. They're just jumping around in time. Okay, okay Now the robot a pop they set the tone in Toy Story That's where we learned that the toys that seemingly inanimate things are actually thinking feeling moving immortal Creatures, but what they don't tell us is what other seemingly inanimate things are actually conscious our dishwashers our phones Right in cars we see a world where everything's alive But as Soren said the humans are gone That's because at this point in time the objects got rid of them Woody and the gang plus the machines plus the cars got sick of being discarded by the humans every few years, so they just Sent them away. I thought we agreed that this took place on like a sexy alien car No, no, there are clearly familiar earth landmarks in the cars movies The humans had to be there at one point. So the cars had to have gotten rid of them. They killed them No, oh, no, they just sent them away on a giant spaceship No, it's terrible it's Wally but the humans screwed themselves and They had to leave the planet when they ruined it when pollution when pollution ruined the planet, but Humans don't lose pollution but cars do It's fucking leading up to the cars ruin the planet and then they force humans onto a spaceship where they become slaves of this seemingly inanimate Looking leading up to the way humans aren't slaves and Wally slaves don't get that fat Slave abs are always like blau what decisions do they make?
What agency do they have? They dress the same every day. They follow an identical schedule every day They don't even move till they rise up against the machines and head back to earth where they will become slaves to Wally slaves subjects disciples When they get back to earth someone's gonna need to lead them.
Why not Wally? He's the one who freed them He's the one who's going to teach them how to farm and work the land. He's already their Messiah like a cyborg Jesus But why would the objects even want the humans back toy story 3 that wasn't an Uncle Tom story It was legit the toys and the machines love being played with they were just sick of getting it on the humans terms So the cars ruin the planet forcing the humans away and they can come back But only after all of the humans who remember a time when they had complete control over the machines Died out and were replaced by a generation of people raised on a robotic authority that ship was just Noah's Ark if it had Amazing inflight service and if they were busy teaching the animals to just love they're all providing robotic big brother the resurrection a character named Eve Tons of biblical references as Wally is the cyborg Jesus in Pixar's one giant movie about the robot apocalypse O'Brien out So I guess now no one gets to eat Actually wasn't so bad though kind of makes Pixar cooler. Wait a minute. What about rat tattooy or brave? Well brave happened hundreds and hundreds of years in the past before all this and ratatouille happened In France like we had the whole main Pixar story going on and then meanwhile in France There's like like a rat that could cook. What about Monsters Inc? Yeah and Finding Nemo and the bugs like those were Also Pixar movie who gives a shit what bugs are doing during the robot apocalypse?
It's really fell apart on you All right. Yeah, I guess it came at it sort of half cocked. I had you guys though. Wow. I'm still totally cocked, buddy Oh my god, he is all cocked up. Whatever we want. Are we getting cocked up? I didn't realize we're gonna get cocked up I can't do that guys. Can I get bad stuff? Oh Hey, it's Nick from IT. Welcome to crack calm subscribe and join the crazy non-stop party |
dropout | bleep_bloop_star_wars_force_trainer | Welcome to Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff Rubin here with Pat Castles and today we are playing with the Star Wars Science Force Trainer. Introducing the Star Wars Force Trainer. Now you can use the awesome power of the force to move an object with the power of your mind. The wireless force trainer headset uses the latest technology to connect your thoughts to the Jedi training tower. First step, turn the base tower on. It's cool that we have something hooked up to your brain and also it makes light saber noises.
I've never felt safer.
So the idea is to enter a relaxed state of concentration and as your brain emits beta waves it will spin this fan faster, raising the ball. Okay. You're doing it. This is why I insisted to the council that we train Pat Castles.
It's cool that this toy is introduced in like brain waves to kids at such a young age, you know? Because when I was a kid all it was was Lando Calrissian toys. I mean if they had this when I was young I might have been a brain surgeon instead of hosting the show with you.
It's sensing your anger waves right now. The most important thing Jeff is you need to concentrate, complete and full concentration. No distractions whatsoever. Jeff, you listen to me.
I'm going to make this work by just thinking about why anyone would ever buy this game. You saw Star Wars fairly recently for the first time, right? Good job bro. So what are you thinking about? What's your strategy here? I was just pushing all the muscles in my head. If we remove this, the top of this and let it come out we could play the most sophisticated game of beer pong ever. I'm thinking very graphically of you two doing this. How high is it? Guys? I have a feeling George Lucas was using a similar device to this one when he came up with the concept of Star Wars in the forest.
We're going to try something new with you Murph. We are going to try setting you up with Brain Age, the DS game that supposedly activates your brain and you'll be doing math and we'll see if that really works. Jeff, you're like a mad scientist right now. This isn't like a video game, this is not an Xbox, you're like tinkering at people's brains. Dude, dude, this is a tiny little green dude and he doesn't know how to talk.
Cool. So I mean, if people didn't think you were cool when you bought this toy, when you tell them you were doing math all day, Josh, try just naming movies where people meditate things. Okay. In my head or out loud? Out loud, just list them off. Okay, phenomenon. Uh, Friday the 13th.
In many ways the worst toy imaginable because to play with it, all you do is just sit there and concentrate and think. I'd love to show this to like a kid in the 50s who's got like a slinky Edgar Plunk and be like, oh, we got toys in the future that read your brain. But no one plays with them anymore because now we have video games too.
Now, man, I got to cross your insta. |
cracked | 5_of_the_most_regrettable_celebrity_cameos_in_simpsons_history_canonball | People love to believe that Matt Groening and the Simpsons have predicted every major world event for the last three decades. The Higgs boson, FaceTime, Tesco's horse meat hamburgers. I'll admit it sure looks that way sometimes, but the reality is that the sheer volume of random specific fiascos they concoct is bound to overlap with real life every once in a while. If Matt Groening really did have the power of prognostication, you can bet he would have avoided some of the celebrity cameos that have become retroactively humiliating. Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Let's take a look at five of the most reputation damaging celebrity guest spots in the history of The Simpsons.
This is Cannonball. Number five, Elon Musk. 2015's The Musk Who Fell to Earth was a fawning, 22-minute PR blitz about what a peerless thought leader and all-around cool guy he is. Elon Musk-er. Speaking of people desperate for a Simpsons did it moment, Musk and his army of weenies like to say that this episode predicted his purchase of Twitter because it has a bird joke that's as old as cross-stitching and grandmothers. Then again, it does show Elon haphazardly incinerating a bald eagle, Bald eagle! so maybe they were on to something. If anything, the episode predicts what a sh**ty boss and businessman he would soon become. He maims an innocent bystander with his technology, Honey, guess who crushed me? Homer tells the now infamous union buster, Wow, Elon, you're like Willy Wonka without the underpaid munchkin. and all of his brilliant ideas actually cause mass layoffs in Springfield. You know what? I'm a believer.
The Simpsons really can predict the future. Number four, the Regina Monologues. In 2003, to celebrate their 300th episode, the Simpsons went to Britain to collect a few head-scratching celebrity cameos.
I hate the foreign! They're immediately greeted by definitely not a war criminal, Tony Blair. Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone? No, but thank you.
It's actually a pretty funny appearance, but the timing was nothing short of ghoulish. This episode came out during what everyone hoped would be the peak of the Iraq War. It's tough to watch Tony Blair play a charismatic tour guide after being the head cheerleader of what would become two decades of carnage. Later in the episode, Lisa meets another one of her since disgraced heroes.
Look, it's J.K. Rowling. Man, she sure knows how to pick him. Knowing now that Rowling is a callous TERF with a disdain for her feminist fans, it's oddly prescient to see her treat Lisa Simpson like a dog turd stuck to her pumps.
He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear?
Number three, Rupert Murdoch. The 1999 episode, Sunday Cruddy Sunday, features the male denizens of Springfield crashing Rupert Murdoch's skybox at the Super Bowl. Rupert was the head of Fox at the time, so this was meant to be a daring roast of their boss. But this came as like the liqueur of roasts, a hint of a whisper, of a memory, of a ghost fart of satire. He refers to himself as, I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant. Then makes a single ominous phone call, but nothing sinister or violent or even funny happens. He just makes both teams rush the field and spell his name. Hope you got your cup on, Murdoch. Great name's playing hardball.
Here's what sucks so hard about this choreographed criticism. The Simpsons used to be god-tier satirists. Mr. Burns is based on Barry Diller, the founder of Fox, who once held the fate of the show in his hands. They skewered that billionaire tyrant by making him the face of evil and avarice in their franchise. This Murdoch back pat just shows the Simpsons had already lost their remarkable ability to bite the hand that feeds.
Oh, for crying out loud. Just give him a nickel and let's get going.
Number two, Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson plays himself, kind of, in the 1991 episode, Stark Raving Dad. He speaks like Michael, he sings like Michael, he even calls himself Michael. Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from the Jacksons.
Except he's actually a rotund white guy. In the end, he even reveals that he's just some dude named Leon from Paterson, New Jersey.
Now, the real Michael wrote the song, Happy Birthday, Lisa. Lisa, it's your birthday.
But confusingly, all of his singing parts were recorded by someone else, a sound-alike named Kip Lennon. The deal was also that he would not sing the Michael Jackson part, that we would take a sound-alike for the singing because that would be a joke on his brothers, I think, was his reason. So the character of Michael Jackson both was and wasn't played by Michael Jackson. The performance of Michael Jackson both was and wasn't done by Michael Jackson. Every bit as enigmatic and contradictory as the man himself. One of his conditions for being a guest star was that he played Michael Jackson, but we said it was a sound-alike. Well, I knew we couldn't say it was him, although I guess we decided we will not. Also like the man himself, Michael the character spends just enough unsupervised time alone with minors to make everyone a little bit uncomfortable.
He wanted a scene where he stayed up writing a song with Bart. After the documentary, Leaving Neverland, came out in 2019, Disney got cold feet and 86'd it from every outlet, making it one of only 10 or so episodes so embarrassing they banned it. Ah! Number one, Jay Sherman, the critic. Based on meme potential alone, 1995's A Star Is Burns could be empirically one of the best Simpsons episodes of all time. It spawned some internet heavy hitters like, Are you saying boo or boo-urns? Boo! Man getting hit by a football and one of McBain's greatest hits. Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke.
In fact, there's really only one person who's embarrassed by this episode, the big man himself, Matt Groening. It was a crossover with The Critic, a show that was about as close to a spinoff as The Simpsons are likely to ever get. The Critic borrowed producers, voice actors, even references from The Simpsons, all of which never really sat well with Groening. So when Fox wanted to use his show as a ratings springboard for this would-be usurper, Groening had to draw a line. He insisted his name be taken out of the credits, the only episode out of 750 that Groening disowned.
We drove 2,000 miles for this. Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like and subscribe and let me know in the comments if you think Elon Musk and Rupert Murdoch are good actually. And we'll have our social media intern block you from the channel. |
cracked | if_breaking_bad_was_made_for_kids_board_game_parody | I want 20 percent. My stuff's the best in town. We both know it. You're right. Kyle, what the blaze is going on in here? You'll spoil yourself.
What the fuck? Where did you get a gun? How did... Oh shit, oh shit. He was gonna fuck things up for us.
Always go full measure. Get rid of the body. Get rid of it. Whoa, hey, calm down there, buddy.
Not that I can see anything from this booth, but... Do you mean the booth in Sarasota, Florida?
Are you threatening me, punk? You're fucking crazy, kid.
Meet me in the desert in one hour. Just the desert? Just go anywhere in the desert?
How was that? Don't do that. Well, what do you know? You found me. I'm surprised, too. There are, like, no landmarks here. And you're a kid. What, did you walk?
I want a list of every kid in my town who bought the kit. I'll be running them from now on. And then I want a list of all the kids in the state.
The arrogance. It would be impressive if it weren't so misguided. I just wanted you to learn fun, interesting facts about chemistry. But you had to push.
Don't worry. I won't shoot her. Although, she has been forced to smoke quite a bit of my rock candy. Hope she doesn't OD.
Get your mitts on the Breaking Bad Home Chemistry Kit today. Yeah, chemistry. Yeah, science.
Call now and get some free lily of the valley berries for, you know, whatever. Hi, I'm Adam Ganser, the director and editor of the Breaking Bad sketch. And this is Katie Stoll, the mother and producer in the sketch. And we'd like you to subscribe to crack.com, at least if you ever like to see that kid again alive. |
CrackerMilk | driving_tips_for_beginners | Hi there, my name is Anklin Badani. Today I'm going to teach you some easy driving tips. Let's go. Let's go One of the biggest things learner drivers have trouble with initially is learning how to start up a manual car It can be a little fiddly with that old clutch. So let's rev this puppy up and show you a couple of tricks No, that's not what I wanted to do. Once you've started that sucker up, let's hit the road Would you look at that? Even I can stall the car. Isn't that funny kids? Everyone makes mistakes Let's try again. Oh Oh now, okay Happy thoughts for a happy bloke. That's me. I don't know Who's what's going? This is a bit of a tough one.
Ah, ah, ah, oh Jesus Christ. Oh my gosh. Oh My gosh.
Oh My gosh, I just hit I just hit someone One of the hardest things you're going to learn when you start driving is actually called a hill start Now it's a little tricky, but it's actually just like taking off before but with the use of a little handbrake as well So let's do a couple of them now All you need to do is just rev your little engine a bit and then drop the handbrake and you're good to go We're actually going backwards though, which is the opposite of what we want to be doing I've been a Ankhlin Badani This has been a great day. I've learnt some things and I hope you've learnt some things too. Eventually I hope we can hang out again Have a good one. See you later. You probably have to get in the car though because I'm taking you home You |
cracked | can_a_person_die_from_laughter_w_django_gold_quorators_podcast | I don't know why this one look kind of looks like a Darth Vader style Mike. Yeah, this is what he uses for recording his What's your body count I'm really in a one and done kind of guy none of this is gonna be in it Alex You gotta save this dog juice. Yeah, I'm gonna bring it up organically. Okay, and that's and we're rocking We're Back for another week orators season 2 now on cracked home of the fact I'm Alex and this is Jeremy and we're here every week and that's not exciting for anyone Well cracked fact that's you know, what's one fact?
We have a great guest here this week our second It's Madonna. It's well Madonna. We're still waiting for the email back on Madonna Better not be a guy with glasses.
Oh Man, I got bad news for you is Django gold could be named Django gold Hey guys second in the pantheon after a cat for Barbadore. Oh sure household name in her own right hallowed hallowed company Yeah, yeah, it's the company you keep here on core Raiders the Quora program Hey Django, yeah, what's going on?
Not a whole lot. What's rap?
Oh, here's something that's going on Today's the first day of jacket weather. Yeah Amazing. Yeah, that's good waking up I had my window open for the first time brisk air coming in through the outdoors Cannot beat it best thing in the world waking up with a smile on my face instead of dread Mama, that's my recommendation.
How do you do in the heat Django? Don't like it? No, I don't do well myself As I get older, I'm fighting. I'm like just like anti summer now. I'm totally one of those lame little fall guys And shit, that's me all over it turns out.
Oh, I like a hot apple cider actually. Yeah Hey rides and not just for recreation like to the office. Yeah. Yeah for transportation haunted. Hey ride to the grocery store I'm also a fall guy, but only because like the mafia keeps arresting me You were like jacket weather mean you were wearing plain white I'm wearing a nice flannel Jeremy platted up beautiful flannel. It's plaid-season, baby We're getting domed right now Well Django you have a new comedy special out. Yeah to laugh guys if you love to laugh by you guys I mean the viewer. Yeah.
All right bag of turn it out Yeah, come my comedy special came out yesterday. It's called bag of tricks. It's on YouTube look for Django gold bag of tricks It's a whole lot of laughs.
It's a whole lot of and know who it features in the audience It's true Alex Patek that's right watch for your buddy Alex Patek. He's in there Easter egg 14 minutes in You can see him laughing and or smiling in the crowd. We're gonna put the time stamp for that in the description And see Alex smiling you're gonna spot a view spike YouTube provides you with those Thanks YouTube.
So Django you've been on the program before you know the deal here We read you Quora's and we have to answer our chorus from last time which I'm gonna be honest I do not remember you don't remember the quarter from last time was it a really good. I don't remember it. It was okay Okay, let's hear it.
The question was is there any evidence Jesus was a werewolf? And Why are there more than one response? There's a TED answer And all of them are bad at us all the answers are like fuck you and how dare you well Or not people get really sensitive about werewolves. Yeah. Yeah, there's a whole like religion around needles said they're bigger than werewolves We are bigger than vampires Standard wolf fans in the chat today This guy Chris her says is there any evidence Jesus was a werewolf the evidence for Jesus and werewolves is equally non-existent That's not true That's just untrue I have bones of a werewolf the historical werewolf was real He just wasn't the son of the moon or something it's hugely influential in the history of the Middle East Yeah, yeah, the werewolf. Yes the original werewolf the alpha of the plains. Some people say The original werewolf actually did not wear sunglasses Oh Totally a fiction kind of like a little lies we tell ourselves Werewolves give us morality on which to base our lives soon. In a sense. It's a harmless fiction I've heard of one of those cranks about the werewolves where he's ever comes up. I just go, you know, he wasn't white Any other good comments Jeremy a lot of jokes Someone said most of the doctors Dare they came to core just a joke around their friends Most of the documentation surrounding Jesus being a werewolf was destroyed in a fire during a celebration of the moon But tails exist today among the younger generations that he was definitely a werewolf It's just like yeah, I guess it's like a little bit funny. It is words sure It's kind of a story really a parable That's why they don't have a point or a real narrative arc cuz they're parables Here's something this is what I want people mad at us so Linda Wenzel says all caps Where do you people get this stuff? Hey dreams? No Jesus was never ever a werewolf and there's a lot of question marks and a lot of exclamation points and she's really I'll go you give her an up vote.
Yeah, she earned it. It's good feedback Yeah, yeah, I don't want to I don't want people in my circle who aren't gonna challenge me when I write about a line Right. Yeah, I'll be asking the best Quaras. Yeah, you want a well-rounded podcast Peter bureau says no, there isn't but the evidence that you were a moron is overwhelming That's a damn shame Happy getting burned an early morning podcast. Yes, you on that. Oh, absolutely Roll out of bed.
I haven't even read ten mean comments yet Don't talk to me till I've been insulted by a child on the internet Why do people saying that Jesus never existed which again is not true. It's not true, and it doesn't address our werewolf. No It makes me think that maybe he was a werewolf. Yeah, if people are like he wasn't real Hiding these who are so yeah, we humanly anti werewolf This is an inspire me to the opposite direction if you could turn water into wine. Why not man into wolf go Think about that.
All right. Well, that's that kind of a split decision. Yeah, watch.
There's never any answers here in corridors Now only more questions No, no, it's not the same page we're really sinking up We're the whole the thing is the the fall weather is here. It's breezy. Yes Everyone's wearing a jacket and everybody's going back to school. That's so true. It's September We're kind of saying class is back. Yeah. Yeah, we're all putting on our backpacks. We're going to Staples.
Yeah What's your favorite kind of folder? Ooh? You binder kid or a notebook kid She has those big fat buyers you can fit a notebook in Yeah, I hate these divisive questions, but you got to ask I won't have it a new pen As a personal point. Oh, yeah, you got it. It's a little too sloppy for me.
I like it standard Bic People always say the best pens are like these inky slop Factories Somebody realized recently is that you know as a kid I was really into like the the back-to-school shopping all the folders Who is it that is like the earliest autism detection? Good I have a green folder for history class also a green notebook also for history like yeah, that's a hundred percent Yeah, what's that what was happening when people argue about like what colors are what where they're like What color is science and was like it's blue and one guy's like science is supposed to be black and it's like that's incorrect wrong Check again. The math is black Having that particular no debate there wasn't maybe I wasn't autistic after all Django you need to check your circle, but I've dug up a bunch of back-to-school questions that we can ask here on the back to school Do the song for that or no? I Would find one, but I'm we're now we shouldn't do that It's back to school History class that's in school All right, well, this is our first school question that we found and this question is is bullying someone love Okay, this is a good question. It's like a school Look at boy in school.
Yeah, people love each other. Can you get bullied outside of school? Yeah, you know Interactions all the time. Yeah, and when I feel bullied on the computer, it feels less personal Sure feels like someone yelling at you out of a car It doesn't feel like the kind of face-to-face intimate bullying. You're gonna get there's a Passive aggressive bullying interactions in the real world.
Have you never experienced that never once in my life?
Respected and loved As an alpha myself and it all all directions flow down from me Let's run off happens. Yeah, I would say that it is love Webster's dictionary defines it as yes You're a bully your wife Alex. I'll put her in a walker some That's a sex thing Fair enough. That's also love and that's also love Yeah, I just kind of eat her lunch Please help my wife Talk to the wife patreon do either of you have strong bullying experiences.
Really? I feel like bullying after like Middle school is kind of is kind of rarer than it used to be. Yeah, there were kids that were just like dicks yes, but it didn't feel concentrated enough or Like violent enough to me for me to be considered bullying Yeah, be like a media depiction of bullying where some like the football team comes and breaks all the windows on your car Whatever like I had never seen that. I maybe maybe I love the chart charmed life I mean I did grow up in California. We were all hippy dippy Oh, yeah kissing one another love is love and bullying isn't love.
It's right. There you go. What's your answer?
Okay, so I was just anonymous in school Not the hacker For full years Something I did do as in high school like very early like freshman year or something this kid wanted to fight me and he punched me in the face whoa He wanted to fight you all right, and he followed me around town for like half an hour I was like with my friends, and I swear to God. This is like so embarrassing I argued my way out of it by being like look if if either there's two ways This goes either I win the fight and it's embarrassing for you or you win the fight and everyone's like you beat on German golf What's and it's still pretty embarrassing for you and the kid like thought it over and was like you're right So I was like he didn't yeah, I was really that passionate about the fight Yeah, you just punch me one time Wow was there a good reason to need to take you down? He had no reason for it. He was just like want it He just like I don't know just wanted to punch someone.
I think he's eyeing you I just gotta do it as the top dog in the yard. Yeah, okay.
Let's see if there's any good answers on here I'm interested to see if Cora thinks bullying is love. Oh, I didn't marry that kid eventually so This is a good story Emily Claire for says do you even know what bullying is look it up? Then decide how being bullied is good for someone love is wanting what is best for someone I'm looking it up on Cora by asking if it's love Bullying is not good But when I was in primary school boy would hit me and call me names when I got older I found out he did it because he liked me So it would be hard to truly understand what love can make us do each person is different and show love in different ways But maybe if that person who bullying other person just doesn't know how to love. Okay, who cares? I think that this is just an excuse that adults give to like not have to deal with bullying where it's just like Oh, this boy's bullying me, and there's like he probably just likes ya Alright, see you later.
This is boys stockpiling ammunition He's a prize in love with his classmates. Yeah, I do that But this boy was in love with me when he edited me into a game of doom and shot me over and over again That's the mod where every villain is Jeremy's face and a perfect recreation Fine scare Jeremy Definitely isn't just one of the narratives adults tell each other to get over the reality that children are just little demons here I wait out. They're not good. They're bad folks anti children stance here on corridors boo children Children if you're a child get help I think that's enough of that one.
This one is from chamber of secret one Cora calm. What is this? Okay, well, it's a specific answer for a question, but what is the what is chamber? I don't know I put in the word school Jeremy Questions here we go into the chamber Is it not Harry Potter related? It's not alternative Chamber of Secrets It's like Chamber of Secrets in a relation you have to like apply to be able to post on Chamber of Secret one Anyway, I have a good resume as a hundred and nine contributors But three thousand followers.
Oh nice anyway, this question is Time to blush. So what are the best moments with your school crush? This is something I've always wanted to ask Jango Jango. What are the best moments of their school crush?
Probably when she accidentally left her notebook and home when I smelled it Don't smell a notebook. They're not for that. That's true Although you can't buy scented markers are sponsored for the show today scented markers. They're red one Smells like red gets you fucked up.
Yeah, I'm trying to think back on my crushes And they're all kind of drifting away in time. They're all so This is a particularly good answer to the question a lot of people are telling like novels in this thread Yeah, there's a lot of poems I think on this. Yeah this website This is from astro file who is in intj amateur astronomer and chess player at earth parentheses planet I'd be more impressive. They're a professional astronomer. I don't know why we were wasting time Well, they're at earth if you need to talk to them which one is intj I forget it's like the dark intellectual Personality, okay, you can believe such a thing Where's a cloak? Anyone who studies the stars in their free time They say I never had a crush. I didn't even have friends I used to live alone and even sit alone in the class most of the days passed without even talking to my classmates However in class 10th, I have chess as my crush I've won a silver medal in zonal chess tournament against previous national ever seen level senior players now I'll be going to nationals also my another crush is astronomy I love to gaze in her eyes the night sky and praise her every time I see I So, do you think I'd ever have one single forever sunglass emoji? Yeah, Jeremy you made me blush His crush his chest and then also I take it back. I am NOT autistic Once again, I'm on to anti-autism Yeah, you're kind of you're like a you're the football captain of this Learn about these internet people I feel like fucking James Bond I'm super confident normal. Yeah, these answers are all so long Yeah, we don't do not have time because they would take up a whole podcast But there's no needless to say that they'll get you blushing Alex and I both married our high school girlfriends We kind of a locked in the crush Yeah, so that we could live this question forever with the crush life live the crush Quaradors podcast It's the blush zone The market of dating is scary. I'm sure look up anything else from astro file. They've asked some questions Do you have any questions about the stars and moon?
It's mostly about being a 10th grader. Ah Well, no then They're 15.
All right, let's leave them alone cuz they're a child This is a button for that child's award I got it somewhere I get Not this but something like child alert the child alert air horn that layered with a crying baby. I lost my lolly I got a good sound effects. So if you guys are taking notes, all right, we got one more school Yeah, it's school.
This question is how do you deal with a teacher who has a nasty mouth? Oh after this one, I gotta get to class now Do you think this is like smell wise or gross wise or do you think this is like cursing? It's a sad smell I'm gonna get sass or cursing like every time you raise your hand They're like you tree trunk arms. Have ever told the story in this podcast about my smelly teacher If you five jego said yes, there was a teacher of high school who apparently smelled I never had her but she smelled so bad that kids would bring Febreze and spray it when she wasn't there and it was like This big thing spray her with no, no, like when she would walk back by they'd spray like a bad dog. Yes Yeah I always thought it was just like a bunch of kids were bullying a teacher, but she was arrested years later for having illegal farm animals kept in her house Wait, so there was a good reason for it.
Is it a lease? It's illegal to own farm animals and have them in your home I think you can't just have like a bunch of pigs in your island property slash soulmates Government overreach you can't have a bunch of chickens in your apartment.
Yeah time to blush. Let's discuss the farm animals in your house Man, that was not the teachers later arrested for crime Everyone has a story this and it all ends at the exact same And this was not it Suddenly bring Febreze is my answer Yeah, the writers block and to all of the bad teacher tales are like wouldn't you know what pedophile? I know we had those two. Yeah Charming and alluring charismatic as you must be Texting all those children This is a group project yeah, what is podcasting if not a group project It's a it's a weekly book report about people on the internet all right. Let's do a new segment here I think I know everything about school.
Yeah, should we not read any of these? Oh, are there any are there any good answers here if you have real first-hand knowledge of the teacher? And I mean you have actually witnessed this report the teacher and incident to the administration Send them to the FBI No one is rude to my son There's only two answers the student or better the parent should file a report with the school every time the teacher uses quote blue language How are you supposed to learn about the fucking real world if you don't hear curse language? Yeah, who cares like give me a break man school is supposed to open your mind not can yeah You need teachers to sit in the front being like this fucker.
What was George Washington? George Washington was the first fucking president Learning is fun Thomas Jefferson's just some piece of shitty eggs out with I Don't know I'm drunk as hell All right, well that's that question on to our romance segment core romance.
Sorry. It's pink Welcome to core romance tales of love questions of passion Well, thanks we had to stop using the other one was the other one is Austin powers Now that we're on the very fancy crack your corporate overlords, yeah Censored Austin power shows up at crack sometimes we did one of them. He's so me Boys Alex, I want a sass mouth. Yeah, he's always telling me to behave all the time Was so fucked up he said Alex is it groovy It was so mean he addressed in front of everybody like you're not groovy Anyway, this question is are you kept shaved? Ah romance? Ah I wouldn't say anyone is keeping me shaved. Yeah, it really does sound like it's an animal that you need to is this a veterinarian I Found a similar question here that says who shaves down below and who wants to share a pic so I could see Is that what people are coming to Cora for? What? Bob we're getting off of the trip being track here. We have to answer the question. Are you kept shave? I've I've not really kept that pervert Like somebody is checking in but they don't really do their due diligence. Yeah, that's like an office job They're fucking maintaining like 20 different podcasts. I can't be expected. I just go to super cuts and tell them they have at it I Want to see if anyone said the photo of themselves shaved down below, but it seems like now Oh, this person says you can check my profile You're gonna make me do the work here. Come on. Do you want me to do it Alex or no? Well, if you enjoy this question, you're gonna love Like the blur it up.
Oh Okay, well it's not going in the YouTube that's definitely not going enjoy this picture of Frogger putting the YouTube I was so naive. I saw the blurbish. I was like that's clearly not someone's bound genitals and some kind of you know, pain box Nor did I Beautiful that we saw the ability to be surprised Jeremy's scared.
He's crying. Oh, man. He's crying. That's really funny.
And well, all right. Well, I was not very romantic Can we just same question? Question same fucking question though.
Are you shaven smooth? I'm not shaved smooth. No, no one's keeping me shave date. I'm not shaved smooth Couple I actually found more I didn't put in the dark. Thankful for that. What is the male areas shaved?
Is it strange? Now you've recently come across this I Could not believe that's a good answer. Did we explain that it was a photo of someone's dick like tied up Listening to the show or from the picture of Frogger I put into the city What is what if the Bell area is shaved? What if it's shaved? Hmm?
Socratic inquiry you couldn't get stuck in an escalator that way. There you go Something that's something I worry about a lot getting stuck on an escalator your shoes tied in your various Drapories like if you fell down and you weren't wearing pants and then had a lot of hair Oh, if you weren't wearing pants and you can get sucked into an escalator dick first I think about that every time I'm writing an escalator nude Yeah, every time I close my eyes it comes up although I do have some shorts like the little stringy Sure That could suck me down.
I hope it's worth it for the attention you get Hang out with various 1990s. We do it. We have wrestlers. Yeah whenever whenever you're around the counting crows Always the shorts to wear Well, I guess we don't have to spend too much time on that but that's just I wish there'd be at least one romantic question Yeah, these are all about shaving about grooming which I don't find very well. It's romantic. It's for love They should just bring fucking after hours back to this website Where's after I don't know where they are Michael Swain I keep sending them emails to say shaved All right, well, it's like the Valentine's is shaved question mark yes or no This this next segment is forbidden knowledge.
It's that's not it This is the questions you're afraid Oh This is a forbidden question it's if helium is lighter than air How did the trucks that transport it stay on the road and not float up into the sky? Do trucks transport helium? Not that I know of have you seen must transport helium tanks. Yeah, that must be happening helium tank doesn't float I always figured it's just a truck filled with balloons I also Yeah If you have to deliver to a lot of children's birthday parties in a row he probably right how many balloons to take to hoist one person Yeah, there you go, yeah, is that what happened is that how the grandma died in up I don't remember too Well, she's death by balloon She couldn't hold on good enough and then the the grandpa was like I'll do it better than that I can do better now put the whole damn house on I can also have it going a little venture with a neighborhood boy Yeah, I don't need her here take that dead wife That's what the movie's about is it constantly say that's the moral of stories he wins Fatality grandpa wins So that there's a picture of the Goodyear blimp yeah in this answer and what a year it's been and what? A year it's been Empty this blimp weighs around 10 tons it is many times larger larger than a truck So it gives you an idea of how much helium you need to make this thing fly Okay, okay, so that's what they're saying structure of answer you've had so far. Yeah It's somehow better than all the shaved ones So I guess it's the opposite of why I was thinking which is that the trucks too heavy the trucks actually too light and they need More helium to make it go up Cuz the blimps ten tons by itself. Yeah, it's really heavy trucks are heavy So if the truck had more of a payload for helium it would be exact. It's payload deficient It could coast to its destination.
This is it's a fact-based podcast anyone here ever written in a blimp No, have you know? Rob you ever been in a blimp Tom Honeymoon maybe Yeah, all right, I don't think you have autism I Always fantasize about writing in a blimp does not make me autistic.
I'm sick of these arbitrary stereotypes If we have time at the end, we're all gonna take the test the autism test. Yeah, I've never actually taken them We should all do it.
I'm surprised. I've never taken is that the one where you hold your hand in front of your face Yeah Yeah, it's got to be like right in front of your face Those brass knuckles and put your hand in front of This question is can a person die from laughter. Oh Now Django, you're the perfect guest to ask for I say there are a lot of fatalities in my special taping back available on YouTube die Laughing die laughing. You're all gonna die It's an interesting pitch for the special because I would say you won't die laughing if I want people to watch it I would say others will die. Maybe sure. No, you might die. Also. It's not very good business You shouldn't be But if someone said that this was like so funny that people have died, would you want to watch it? I feel like I would I'd want to check this kind of like a yeah taste of danger.
Yeah I mean when that bound penis showed up on the computer a little while ago, you laughed pretty hard How funny would something have to be? What made me laughs really hard was that I tried to close it and I enlarged it classic rookie mister It's a computer because I forget that like you can't see it in the video But like my brain goes to like there's a penis on screen Identical impression they're gonna catch me. What if Alex finds out? I'm not reading the chorus Our next question comes from Hung daddy 12 So just the the Fed seeing like fetish port and trying to hide it and then it got bigger just I almost died.
There's that great Monty Python sketch You're seeing this where like the British invented joke It's so funny that when you hear it you die and it becomes like a weapon they use and like the war I've actually never seen my pythons. That's more of a drama. Check them out My python life of Brian available now where we're streaming. Yeah streaming things are stream close friends of the show We support everything they say all of the members Much of an anti-trans stuff lately, they're old. They're British Precisely That's my best British accent I can do I think there are good answers on this one.
Yeah. Okay kind of person died from laughing Let's see. Let's see. Let's see Yes, it's very possible. However, unlikely to die from laughter.
I almost did a couple years ago Do you want to hear this guy's story about how he laughed so hard? Yeah, I do James Harrell he says I was in math class and I finished my assignment My awesome teacher said I could use one of the class Chromebooks to play on I went on YouTube and started watching my favorite youtuber Quorators, what the fuck? No, just kidding. It's dashing games Then I got a stick of gum and started chewing it I was incredibly stupid chewing gum while watching one of his bodies promise videos Anyway, I started laughing so hard during one of the videos. I choked on the gum I couldn't breathe in my eyes wouldn't stop watering I had to walk get walked out of class to the bathroom to cough up the cup the gum see that's not from laughing though I'm choking on gum I I fully agree with you if you went to the like if you're doing the autopsy on this stupid gum boy The it's the doctor would be like he choked on gum.
It wouldn't be like So funny he died you watch a hilarious twist streamer video use on dashi games watching another one of his bodies Behind by the modern generation because I see phrases like dashi games all the time like uh-huh. Yeah, sure Oh, I also enjoyed dashi games. I got to check that out Haven't seen any of the bodies Do you think bodies are just type over videos? Yeah, I thought maybe it was like if you follow dashi games You know his videos are called bodies. We can look them up their bodies of work. Let's see what dashi games has to say for himself Subscribers His profile picture is like a cartoon of him screaming He looks pretty fucking funny, he's got his tongue sticking out in this one somehow for some reason this is all very depressing I don't know what it is about this like part of the internet usually you wish you were dashi games So the body is but doesn't seem like it's you wish you were dead every day Yeah, good for dashi games is actually my high school crush Hard for me seeing him so successful What languages does dashi speak oh, he speaks Spanish therefore he is Hispanic fluent in game Project I'll show you some of the dashi's videos All right.
All right weird. I got nothing to do.
Let's watch some dashi videos now become a dashi game Million I'm sure he's on everything. I imagine he's quite healthy.
I wonder if he's played roblox There's a Wikipedia page someone put a link to that is death from laughter and it has a bunch of cases But it's not for us. So like okay I need another fake doctor on Quora to tell me that people have died from this There's a few modern ones on here in 1989 someone died watching a fish called Wanda That's a crazy movie to die. I'm sorry who is one of the Monty pythons and Transphobic I think or no is he is he the one who's like, okay. I can't keep track of Lander hey, I'm John allegedly Cleese oh I can't believe fucking awesome powers keeps bullying Yeah, it's after close association with chocolate. Oh, these are like old like this guy, you know this like ancient Greek philosopher Chris a piss Oh Chris a piss a man who died from laughing had his joke is a third century, BC Greek stellic philosopher who died laugh of laughter after we saw a donkey eating his fermented figs He told a slave to give the donkey undiluted wine to wash them down and then having laughed too much. He died Honestly, though back in like 600 BC. You could see a donkey eating figs. It'd be the funniest fucking Before the Internet we had to make do they didn't have dashi games back then If you showed Chris of his dashi games he died Barbarians immediately yeah, all they care about is killing galls. It's so sad. I like that it says the joke I need more. I want them to like say what the joke was Oh my god, the fish called one of the joke was yeah, or like this one they say like this guy in the Philippines died and They supposedly he died laughing at a joke, but they don't see what the joke was he had to be there I Guess it really it's not gonna land for you the way it did for this guy killed You really had to be there watching this guy in the Philippines you just hear now and you think that's big money Let's see if there's any other answers here that's worth reading On the contrary one can die of too little laughter And it saddens me that now it is Jump in and say it said without some sort of technology or psychotropic drugs The podcast now that I'm just so sad and Just like I don't ever died laughing is like well actually some people can die from being depressed Calling out the Monty Python sketch Okay, there's a famous one This guy says this is a doctor Dr. Joe says when we think of dying of laughter we might first think of the Monty Python sketch Well, some of us did that's right.
Some of us did although this guy beat you by several years he did All right. Let's hear another one. It's cool. Our user will be replacing Jeremy on episodes. Oh That the idea the best It's the best of the best and right now it's just us Meritocracy, yeah, I know you guys do the best job of this and that's how it works Yeah, if someone beats us and they can have it. It's never happened before it never will happen This is our insulin manosphere segment called the Quokr This is an original That Alex wrote. Yeah, this is a song it kind of conveys Ninja style thoughts which is love things that in cells think about Have you come across one of these non pussy getting motherfuckers? No, I mean either.
Well, let's read some of their questions I can has cheeseburger What should I do if a Papa John's worker insults me oh man, oh Man First off violence does Papa John's have like Physical locations. Mm-hmm. Yeah, they're not I thought they were delivery only for some reason turn out that garlic butter sauce This is a kind of little prince. I am Papa John's ferret to me. I assume it's a ghost kitchen Papa John Actually never had Papa John's it's had at once I think it's a regional thing because I don't think there were any around me a mess.
They have them in New York Yeah, they definitely do. I had Domino's a lot in college. Yeah Yeah, but the thing is if you in New York City Then what are the odds are getting Papa John's cuz there's pizza every thread. I live near a Domino's. That's always full Yeah, people like reliable experience, but it is kind of you know what it is also like Domino's and Papa John's They're really not pizza.
It's like its own thing. Yeah, you see Robert I haven't had it in many years, but it's like do you want pizza? That's a whole other how would you be a categorize it bread? Yeah, what do you say? Do you like are you a big it's fast food? Yeah, sure. It's a it's like a plastic Yeah, it's like do you want a burger? Do you want McDonald's sure sure where it's like I don't know if a Big Mac is really a burger. I mean, but it is something.
These are AI with an AI bot would identify as a burger If a capture pulled up This whole building goes up in flames. Oh, I think the car is a hamburger instead.
Yeah, those capture bombs are really a menace They gotta be stopped. I could that could be a good movie. Yeah capture bomb after terrorist capture terrorist to capture predator I've been captured Tag three children you think are sexy and you're like I won't tag any of them I refuse it's a go on this website.
It's it's capture saw There's a key inside this answer you've lived a life not knowing what you see before your eyes Sometimes the hamburger before your eyes Fucking questions, I'm a pizza or something. I don't know fucking what do I do? Kick their ass Yeah, destroy them use your legs first they're more dominant someone says just order it online which is true Why are you there if you've been like Dommed by the Papa John's employee in a way where you're ashamed to show your face the restaurant again You can't order online and if they don't remember you they won't spit in your food sucks getting bullied by someone wearing an apron First off ask if they're having a bad day The funny thing to do just get your pizza leave. I see you called me a cockass. Are you having a bad day? There's less reflection on me and more reflection on you cockass Also, you're the cockass you are the Papa John's guy is famously like a psycho, too, right? Yeah, he got fired for saying the n-word eight 40 pizzas in like 30 days or something like that. Was that what it was? Yes Damn as well. Yeah, I think he was just publicly a psychopath a bunch of times They were like Papa John you got a beat you have to start a new family You're no longer welcome at this pizza home.
I like this one. This guy says lick his face. You have strep throat. Remember? That has to be oh, yeah, this is a series Scotty Bell says tell his mom said that his penis never grew Wow Scotty Bell This guy is kind of like the one-liner King.
Honestly, he has 5,000 answers. He was in Dallas, Texas Okay, he answered one seven hours ago.
If a nurse cannot find her doctor in an emergency situation What should she do Scotty says when in danger when in doubt run in circles scream and shout? Oh That's Scotty Bell is taking his own life Scotty should Scotty showed up.
He handled the thing. Yeah, so he's he's like he's just owning everyone left and right This is not the kind of behavior. We endorse here on court.
No, this is a Archaeological only denigrating the platform and through what is the first thing a doctor sees dollar signs? Got a really question of the question is was the first thing a doctor sees it's like a riddle What is the other signs? What does a doctor see in the morning?
Anyway, we got more in so questions. Yeah, they're really good in so questions Oh, I'm gonna send to us by crying to radiohead.
This question is how to find a girlfriend on Quora so Now Django, you're a single man. I am and I'm every night. I'm out there Hidden the question and answer forums It's not necessarily intuitive how to pick one up on Quora as a lot of them live in Asia and Europe as far as I can tell until today. I did not realize there was this much interaction between Question questioners and answer is there is Abundance like a fucking meat market website. Yeah, and the sexual attention builds from there Yeah, so you would need to get somebody in your area. You need to find singles in your area I don't know if that's a service the internet can provide yet Ideally I got a lonely horny housewife that just wants to fucking leave.
Yeah, or just like these old These advertisements by the way, okay out ahead. They're just like these old bags look like shit.
You want to go over their house? Insulting some stock stock photo model That made you give me this all right well They can they can read our hearts better than we can apparently yeah You knew from my knife searches Like this answer a lot this guy says I didn't get any girlfriend from Quora maybe someday I will but I found a mentor. She is the most Interesting and caring person I've ever talked to in my whole 20 years of life She tells me things that no one else that no one tells and she goes on to talk about how great this she tells me Things that no one tells I met a girl on Quora We started talking and on the third day. I was with her sitting at the rooftop at three o'clock in the morning in her city Okay, but how do you find out where she lives? I guess this is what I want to know Cuz Quora is very much like here's a hundred people from India also who are these people are like hey great job answering that question Come to my city. Yeah, I'm in Memphis. Let's see where he lives as your mentor I command you come to poon job.
Yeah, this person says a girlfriend search in Quora Can you find a girlfriend in Quora? Yes, you can find a girlfriend in Quora How can you not the Quora user numbers is be passed beyond the millions and there must be at least one person you can connect With the question rant how tracking tracking and all these millions of users It is more likely for the users from India to become your girlfriend. No ocean gaps or distances really all this must be an Indian Website I think it's just by the numbers the users are Indian on Quora and also I know that in the world My analysis today, yeah I didn't know that this was a thing if China didn't have a separate internet It would also be all in China just they have more we have more curious people. We're losing the Quora race We have to win the 21st century of Quora questions The first thing you have to do is track down and make a record book of all the users from India Yeah, make sure to A to Z and in order to make your work later on easy now separate the male users and the female users make another record Cares who cares all math. Yeah, so you can find a girlfriend with math Go through all the users short bios and pick the ones that catch your attention Go through the long bios and she's the one just hold your interest.
Oh my god I'm never gonna go through their profile pictures. No, she's the one do you find attractive?
No, you go jump in a lake.
I'll stay alone Yeah, this is too. This is very one. Holy shit. This is one fucking answer. Yeah. Yeah your god. Well, all right Well, that was a lot.
There's also a similar question here. Why is it so hard to find a girlfriend here on Quora? I'm a girl They're just they just want us to answer and tell them we love them and we do yeah I'll be your girlfriend Quora user. Oh, I like that first answer Because Quora isn't a dating site. It's a website for questions and answers. Yeah, don't come to Quora to date Thank you Connor vowels bio says hey if you're looking here, it means you were possibly interested in me and my answers Thanks for that. Even if you aren't Quora was such like a social media adjacent. Yeah, Alex is on here Unfortunately at our live show we our guest wrote that he's transgender, but then we forgot to write what year so it made it former transgender Now it's like now I'm like part of the problem.
I don't know if I could delete it. Can I get rid of that? You can't change it You can change it right now and whatever else you need to do to my Quora account. Feel free to get rid of it for you I got rid of it.
Okay, we're getting better at Quora every week All right, well that's enough of that one It's a skill I'm looking for a girlfriend What was that last one was most humiliating diaper punishment you have experienced what's the most humiliating diaper punishment you've experienced Alex Well, I remember that I would I would have to wear one When I would I would shit myself as like a little baby. I was a baby. Yeah However, I didn't find it humiliating at the time. I kind of thought it was awesome. It was cool Have the shame emotion. Yeah, I was just like El Mal with me, you know kind of rare, right?
I'm trying to stop saying El Mal on there No one likes it because Alex doesn't think it's LMAO. He thinks it's El Mal El Mal Unfortunately at the forefront of my People don't like it and I need to be honest people put your diaper back on back on The thing is I love it. I love to wear it All people wear diapers.
Yeah, and so do people when they go see the ball dropping on New Year's Eve. Is that true? No, yeah, you have to get there for like like eight hours before it happens, this is a human Yeah Really chilies and TGI fries and she will not let you in. Yeah, apparently Anderson Cooper gave me a Humiliating diaper punishment this year It'd be funny if that's how you like found out you have a fetish like you're at the New Year's Eve thing and you're shitting and you're Dyping you're like I kind of have a bow. I love this happen more Yeah, this is my year. How many people go? It's like a hundred thousand. They're all shitting their pants. Yeah at the thing not not not a very good way to Run into the new year. I got a good start.
I don't think they're shitting Oh, they're pissing they're definitely pissed they're pissing Otherwise, why would you have the diaper? But if they take a huge dump you're gonna have to live with that Like a nightmare man, it sounds like a fucking humanitarian crisis. It's like carrying around like a like a Joey in your pouch for the rest of night I've never done it but I've people who wear diapers. They say you know, that's what the point is It's to catch your shit and piss you and your You don't feel yeah, I didn't think it was a fashion thing No, I just mean like it's I imagine it's not as uncomfortable as we think babies are very fashion forward That's right not uncomfortable if you're just wearing a diaper, but if I had to wear slacks over a diaper, yeah, that's I'll be constricting. There's all these like if you go to the back of a pharmacy, they'll have the adult diapers for For like a continent people and they'd still try to make them sexy for you So they'll have like models and they're posing in their chair and it's a kind of a a beautiful woman I Fucking sexy carbon-electro type smoldering gaze Carbon-electro is this is pretty much a carbon-electro show. I think she comes up every single week We weird we weirdly talked about her last week And how sexy her diaper is In a diaper Hey, that's all I'm trying to say Anyway any humiliating diaper punishments of these are gonna be these are gonna be sick That's like 3,000 words that's really hard return, please They got to publish that I'll just read the first sentence. This is from sunshine girl She says I started wetting the bed at age 12.
My mom started making me wear my little sisters pull-ups to bed Yeah, we're not really the rest of that Can't be good That can't be good. I don't think that's good. Oh my god.
These are all so long These are all serial killers. No one's like one time I got trapped in a wheat thresher and I was wearing a diaper the end this one's not being 16 I don't want to read about you being 16 wearing a diaper. It makes sense to me that I want the baby test on those sickos I Actually do need to read a little of this cuz it's weird Tom Smith says when I was 16 it threw a tantrum when my parents said I was acting like a baby So I would become one I could only speak when spoken to I don't get a choice in what I do or wear I have to be supervised at all times I'll be changed or checked whenever my parents want babies. Don't get a choice in mom's world Babies don't get a choice in mom's world Jeremy.
All right. Well It was kind of like an abusive I think it's all fetish I need 16 you can have a fetish My assumption is that this man is 45 and he's making the story. That's probably true. You think people go online and lie like that What do you poised there for? Uh-huh, honey. I was gonna wait till we were farther away from Dark art of the internet Well, I kind of was hoping one of us would have a story about diapers Yeah, one of us humiliating diaper star where you have to wear a diaper and you're he may cry and you poop yourself I mean the people on this website seem very forthcoming about their weird No one has written less than like 5,000 words, you know if I was humiliated by I would not tell everyone on Cora Yeah, I'd probably keep it to myself. I like this one. Actually. I never had that happen. Yeah, me, too, dude Honestly, bro. Me, too Then he goes he says I did however get put in depend diapers by my nurse who wears them, too So we could simply let loose. Yes Okay. All right. Hey man.
Let's like let loose a bit. It's like doing like it's like doing a drug, you know, I rid off Wearing diapers like doing for this guy. It's like hey, man smoke a little bit of this diaper Loose a bit.
Hell. Yeah, he's so stressed out Yeah, so this is this is The last one we have I'm so excited for this one. I love this one.
This is just for Jango This question is if someone just randomly took your cell phone and stomped on it breaking it while smiling and laughing How would you react? Now what's interesting about this is that the answer comes from verified user Orson Scott card. Do you know who this is Jango? Insane sci-fi writer He is like a full-on like he was like an early conspiracy theorist And like he's like very very racist, but in a way that Tom Clancy type Like Tom Clancy's pretty weird He is dead, but he doesn't take place in the feet his ideas don't take place in the future Right, but Orson Scott card.
I remember like when Obama was running for president 2008 He was like if Obama wins there will be gangs of black people who take over every city. Yeah Yeah, and he was like they're gonna take over all the cities, which is just like where did you come up?
That was a hard time when that happened Happens in Ender's game. Well Ender's game is about a little boy Who's very smart and he also is good at karate and he kills the guy in the shower. Yeah It's he also hate Orson Scott card is very homophobic by the way spoilers for Ender's game A lot of his books are like and then I soaked up my naked body to hug this other boy.
Yeah And in the military you have Anyway, so the question is what would you do if a guy's broke your phone? Yeah, if someone just randomly took your cell phone and stomped on it breaking it while smiling and laughing How would you react and this is like Orson Scott cards been waiting his whole life for this? See, this is pretty funny because Previous guys the show Danny felt I believe one time took a guy's phone out of his hand After he tried to run him off the road cuz Danny bikes everywhere in a car and he took his phone out of his car And threw it off a bridge. And so they pretty much like did this in real life Danny did that Yeah, that's a weird thing to do Danny's cool.
He's 6 foot 3 you can do stuff like that I don't do stuff like that. I'm 6 3.
Well, you should start Fighting people I remember after that episode he was talking shit about someone else and daddy said he's the bad kind of autistic I'm the good kind of It's so important to pick your side dividing in the camps He's in the blimp jankos in the train Anyway Orson Scott card I can imagine pulling a pen out of my pocket and stabbing him deeply in the throat Fortunately, I believe that in reality I would remember in time that I don't use my phone much except as an audiobook player. It is easily replaceable I already have a second mobile phone as a backup and no possession of mine is worth the life of a human being I would regret killing that guy with my pen right after I did it, but I would do that shit So I would walk away thoroughly disgruntled but aware that Regruntlement was only as far away as the nearest Verizon store where I could replace my galaxy flip and if it was my Unahertz Adam that he shattered I already have unahertz his latest jelly waiting for me to activate it What is this product placement part? Thanks to my friends at Verizon I could get a new phone like that Rises please leave this threatening quorum as it please it'll help our brand so much Hey Verizon another psycho came up and smashed my phone while laughing Again, the last thing he says is also at 72 with no martial training. I am probably too slow and weak to put that pen in his throat anyway Why do you even bring it up for you Orson?
I I just love that Orson Welles is on here. I have to follow Orson Welles is not our core, and we need to be clear about that He's a content creator He has a lot of fucking answers, man. Yeah, I mean the All right, we gotta read a few words of Scott Card answer All the nudge-jobs of the world of God.
Oh, he's a Mormon. Yeah, he is a Mormon He has four questions. We want more of him, mon I'm sorry Jeremy, what were you saying? Oh, baby. He has asked four questions.
They're not really that interesting though Okay, how do the Ravens work? Yeah, that's a good question. How do the Ravens work? Does he mean the football team? No, he says like homing pigeons. So each is good for only one destination or are they given This is you know, he's putting questions in here and then is like writing his book the work of Ravens and it's One hand washing the next you're just doing you're just making money for Orson Scott Card when you're on here, honestly.
Yeah I'm trying to find anything. That's not like I don't know personal. My wife Jeanette asked me when is your birthday?
Um, well Biden still be in the office by Christmas. He's old You never know when he might die become disabled or succumb to dementia and no longer be able to function I had to kill him with my pen If you wrote on Quora that you were gonna kill the president with a pen with the FBI like come get you or they think it's Funny you think the FBI is moderating Quora. Yeah, but they're everywhere It's gotta be really really difficult for them to you know Between like lunatics and like people to just type like lunatics the rest of Quora's base Yeah, I can't find anything interesting, but I'll look for another episode and try to see if he said anything that to be continue to be Shadow of Orson Scott Card Is there a celebrity that totally annoys you and he says the my pillow guy his voice could kill frogs Flow, I'm glad she got steady work the dream of every actor But I switched channels her fast forward where I see her face Bill Gates a monopolist He made John D. Rockefeller look like an altruist in his perfidious treatment of competitors He created nothing and only succeeded by using other people's ideas.
But if you're rich, you must be smart to think idiots I've never come across someone who has such strong opinions on flow from progressive before I want to she she went to my college Not when I was there, but they fucking love her The year after me she gave like the graduation speech and there's like a photo of her in our library ensure your life bust of her yeah Crandling to like, you know to college students I'm trying to think of even like a thing she does. She's just kind of next to a car and it's nice, right? Yeah, it's a pretty simple schtick.
What else do you gotta do really flow? We love your work. Shout out to flow Flow flow come on the show flow writers. I would love to have flow on the show big low ride big big Yeah, big get where the flow ride you guys should start trying to get celebrity guests. Why are you getting fucking comedians?
That's just who I know. I know I'm trying to get flow for progressive start getting you know, spokes spokesman spokesman We've been trying to get hunter Biden.
That would be a good year. That'd be fun.
Apparently. He has a whole podcast on Spotify That's just about him doing drugs and cooking something My I looked into this extensively. My pitch to Alex is that we just try to convince him the websites called crack calm And then maybe he'll come on. Yeah, it's a low blow But hunter if you if you're listening, we're just joking this kid and coming up chop it up with us and Orson Scott card Well, we'll read all kinds of author's comments with you Boy, all right.
Well, we should ask a question. Yeah, I think that wraps up the show right there We had a really good one a little while back. Was it diaper related? Who can remember I remember being on the diapers thinking this is really good every episode We come up with a question in the middle and then we forget it by the end. It's a tradition for us Django, what are you curious about?
Okay, fair enough, okay, what about uh, okay killing a guy with a pen using that as a launching point if you kill a Guy with a pen do you get to go to heaven? Can you still go to can you still go to heaven it doesn't fully make sense though Fully bank sense. I feel like we're almost there Can you still go to heaven? Well, that's how this if you kill someone using a pencil like the Joker, okay. Oh That was there that's it Can you still go to heaven? Can you still go to heaven?
Get some well-informed debate going yeah Punch that up do whatever you need to do in the meantime. We're gonna get the plugs going here Django Thank you so much for returning to the show. Thanks for having me guys. It's been a thrill Laughing it up here. The flow ride is with you.
I have a bunch of social media websites some on it Handles at Django industries except Twitter X It's just at Django But really the winning play is going to YouTube and watching bag of tricks my debut stand-up special an hour of hilarity and paranoia That's how you bring home the big win and I know I'll be watching it again again, even though I'm in it for like a second. I'll just be clicking the part. I'm in you're into the JFK thing back into the left Yeah At this point I was mostly just giving it up for the camera Okay, well, that's it for all of us here. If you want more episodes go to patreon.com slash core Raiders Otherwise, we'll be back here next week. Also if you answer a question, please use the term scrambled eggs scrambled eggs scrambled eggs All right.
Bye. Bye |
SaturdayNightLive | morning_announcements_snl | Good morning, St. Andrews High School. I'm Sister Clarence with your morning announcements, and joining me, as always, is my best friend, the woman who puts the fawn in key, Sister Cecilia. Hello. All right.
Well, it's Monday, and I had an interesting weekend. I finally watched Sister Cecilia's favorite film, a Star Is Born. I thought it was about the birth of Christ. turns out it's about Lady Gaga. how was your weekend, Sister?
A hair dryer fell into the bathtub while I was in it. I died for two minutes, and now I'm questioning everything.
Moving on, today's lunch special is Tighty Joes. they're like Sloppy Joes, but they're less messy. Sister Cecilia, what do we have for dessert?
When I was dead, I didn't see heaven. maybe it was just clothes for Martin Luther King Day. No, it wasn't that day.
Moving on. let's go to a student question. this one comes from 11th grader, Catherine Cochran. is the Easter Bunny Jesus' pet or his boyfriend? Great question, and the answer is detention. isn't that right, Sister Cecilia? I'm going to have sex tonight.
No, you're not. Tina, why would you put that in the graphics? Sorry, Mom. I mean, sister, no. back to the dark place. No, you're not.
Yes, I am. come with me. I can't. Yes, you can. I shan't. you've done it before. you can do it again.
Moving on. we're going to cheer you up with a joke. Monday. we have class clown and certified gas man, Christopher O'malley. I can't wait to see what he's got today. take it away, Christopher. come on, Christopher. here's your moment. you literally begged me to do this. Remember the joke you said the other day? what do women be doing? dying and seeing nothing. No. I shouldn't be shopping. Hey, you stole my joke. the scaling is ok now, Andrew, and so is Murder and 69ing.
Sister, I want to see you again. I want to try it.
No, you don't. Yes, I do. and therapy. And laser tag.
Sister, get ahold of yourself. you can't let go of your faith. Why? Because that means you're letting go of me.
And you're my best friend. And I had it all planned out that after we died, we would go to heaven and hang out every day. there is no heaven. see if you're still saying that after you hear me sing some Lady Gaga. Tina, track seven. right away, Dad. ours. Tell me something, sis. without God, would we exist? No. you're stuck in a rut. but I'll still love you no matter what. I want to be friends, all with a still best friend. I'll visit you in hell. Hey, Ben. |
cracked | why_video_games_still_don_t_understand_sex_video_game_purgatory | Hello, I am Lisa Summerscales, and this is Video Game Purgatory, the show that takes a hard look at video games, but when the video games take an even harder look back, it's like, oh no, please don't! Today's episode is rated M for, man, video game sex is weird. Any old game can have a bad sex scene, thanks to technical limitations, weak writing, or the fact that David Cage was involved. But a select few games seem to actively hate, fear, and misunderstand sex at a level normally reserved for people who threaten to murder you at a bus stop, and then proceed to eat their own underwear in front of you.
Anyone familiar with the classic poem that inspired this action game would remember the excerpt. Through me you enter a population of loss, through Cleopatra's giant nipples, you enter an epic boss fight. I know, I paraphrase it, but it's standard English class stuff. This otherwise normal scene gets strange at the cli- end of the fight. It's time for her final, most devastating attack, an attempt to seduce you. Aww. They've settled their differences with a classic post-boss fight make-out sesh, just like Mario and Bowser used to do it. What? Bowser got invited to all those golf tournaments. Haha, the game tricked you.
You snap out of your arousal, and you kill her. Although she still seems to get off, so hooray? Always remember gamers, women are smart, and in video games, generally evil. We know the one way to distract you is to sleep with you.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me again, and well, you should probably get tested.
And then finish the game guys, what are you waiting for? In Mass Effect 2, you play as Commander Shepard, and you can start a relationship with pretty much any member of your team. Which makes sense considering you're a universe-saving turbo celebrity, but you can also have casual sex with Jack, who's proof that Hot Topic will survive well into the next century. It's a pre-sex mini-game, where you get to really turn up the heat with awkward small talk. What's with the tattoos? That's right, small talk is an option in this game. After a two minute chat about subjects like, is that nipple belt bulletproof, and how old were you when you said your dad didn't love you? You can press the let's have sex now button.
It's like the that was easy button at Staples, except this button leads to a lot of emotional problems. Jack is, well, passionate. Her opening move is to punch you in the stomach and then choke you and dry hump you on a cold metal table. Oh, and to really set the mood, you're in an engine room right below where your loyal crew is desperately trying not to listen to their boss have rough sex.
You guys have any threes, huh? We're not even playing Go Fish. I know, we're not playing Go Fish, okay? I just, I'm trying to distract, just give me your threes. So we're all just going to pretend that our boss is not having rough sex with that maniac downstairs right now? Any threes at all.
Hey guys, I think she just punched him. Should we go down there? He might need our help.
No, that's actually just part of that. That was normal. The punch is normal. That's how sex starts with him, typically.
Does anybody have any f***ing threes? There's nothing wrong with casual sex, but maybe don't do it in public with a violent amoral psychopath who you've known for a week, who openly talks about murdering her friends. But you know, if you're willing to look past all that, at least put a few pillows down. All that metal's going to wreck your back, dude. You need your back. For like, war or whatever.
Seven Sins is basically the sick fantasy of people who play The Sims by deleting pool ladders and watching their creations slowly drown. Your goal is to climb the social ladder by any means necessary, which obviously includes sex. Here's how a typical seduction plays out. Yes, you have to thaw the incredibly frigid little pussycat that is the Siamese woman. Because Seven Sins was created by the first development team made up entirely of creepy grandpas.
Don't forget your French letter, old sport, so you can avoid the trip to the sanitarium. Nice. You dodge a landmine that is their rip-a-sneaky-fart option and progress straight to the sex-sex-sex minigame. And really, what is sex but life's greatest minigame? Yep. Just strap on your sex mask, rub her feet, and spin her around like you're dancing to save the local community center from the mean old land developer. One of us has been having sex horribly wrong for many years, and I'm honestly not sure which one of us it is. Guys, I gotta make some phone calls.
Nope. Nevermind.
It's them. Hey, I'm good. I'm having normal sex, you guys. You know, like the good normal, not like the boring normal. Okay, let's just move on.
Indigo Prophecy is infamous for a scene where two heroes decide that a cold shipping container in the middle of a filthy hobo encampment is the perfect place for them to act on all their raw sexual magnetism that 2005 was capable of portraying. But it's not fair to judge a game based on one scene. What's lost among all the criticism is the fact that there's another sex scene that's even stupider. I've had a little trouble getting over you.
You play as Lucas, and early in the game your ex Tiffany comes over to your cold, empty apartment to pick up the last for stuff. Classic escapist fantasy. The two of you chat for a little bit, and then she prompts you to play your guitar. Are you still playing? Which starts a minigame.
Lucas? More like Eric Krafton. Uh, no, I don't feel good about that joke. Um, okay, I've heard of Les Paul, but Lucas is less good.
Nope, okay, that was worse. That was worse. I hate that one, too.
Okay, um, we could call Lucas, George Embarassan. Like, does that scan as a reference to George Harrison? I'm trying to say that Lucas is shitty at guitar.
All that takes is a little strumming and you can emotionally mash your Ken doll face against your ex. Who says romance is dead? And it gets steamier. Now you have to complete a second rhythm-based minigame if you know what I mean. Succeed and you thrust at Tiffany with an awkward regularity that screams, I'm pretty new at sex. Please don't be mean to me. Fail and, uh, somehow the sex is worse, I guess? Either way, you've managed to win back your ex with a song from in-show to guitar and DVD and the clumsy moves of a teen on prom night. But if you think that rekindled romance is unrealistic, don't worry. An ancient Mayan murders Tiffany and Lucas on top of a rollercoaster as part of his war with the sentient internet for secret control of the world. And a resurrected Lucas is briefly sad about this before hooking up with someone else. You know, that old relationship hurdle.
Duke, what's happening to us? Duke Nukem Forever took 15 years to develop and that relentless perseverance proved that sometimes giving up on your dreams is actually a pretty great idea. That was fun. Was it good for you, baby? Those are the wholesome twins. Get it? Like the Olsen twins, this game came out in 2011.
I need some mouthwash. Duke Nukem Forever is full of single entendres so terrible that even elderly nuns would mostly just be offended by their ineptitude. Duke, stop playing with your balls. But then the tone shifts from sexist jokes two decades out of date to modern all-out woman hating. Duke, what's happening to us? The game suddenly switches from juvenile comedy to body horror. Like if a scene from Alien was rewritten by a bitter Reddit user and then spliced into an American pie movie. It's a scenario to which Duke responds with all the empathy of a Nazi scientist and the comedic ability of, well, also a Nazi scientist. Looks like you're fucked. But like, you know, one of the less funny ones.
The wholesome twins are utterly indifferent to the fact that they've been fused with alien flesh in a sex chamber full of sobbing women that would terrify H.R. Geiger. Instead, they're only concerned with reassuring Duke that their virtue is still intact. Duke, it was our first time, okay, with an alien.
And that they will lose their unholy nightmare pregnancy weight. We'll get the weight off in like a week, we swear.
Now, I don't use the word hero often, but in this case, I, um, the women then writhe in pain before monsters explode out of their bodies, mercifully ending their time in Duke Nukem Forever. Duke grunts something about avenging his sex dispensers and the game continues, as though the player didn't just put down their controller and go apologize to every woman in their life for something they can't quite even put into words. But hey, at least it was just one ugly misstep in an otherwise harmless game.
Right? Oh, yeah. Got milk? Well, I'm celibate now. Join us next month when we talk about anything else in gaming. Literally anything else, guys. End.
Hey guys, the next live episode of the Cracked podcast is happening March 11th, 7 p.m. with the UCB Sunset Theater. There will be a link to where to buy tickets somewhere on this screen. This month's theme is the best fictional locations to visit, take a vacation to. Do you want to go to Gotham, Cabot Cove, Maryland for Murder, She-Rip?
None of those, probably. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sports_don_king_saturday_night_live | Saturday Night Live Sports. Superfight Saturday Night for the Paperweight Championship of the World. Rocco Winaretto meets Wendula. Opiscopo Live Saturday Night Sports. Ringside, Rocco, Wendula, What a night. we've been joined by Super Boxing promoter Don King. Thank you, Joe. I'm just delighted to be here at Saturday Night Live Sports. we have a fantastic Paperweight title fight for tonight. both fighters are in top physical condition. both fighters are angry. both fighters are equal. it's going to be hard to tell what's going to happen. Don, the question on everybody's mind tonight.
All right, Don King. here comes Rocco into the ring right now. take a look up there. Yes, there's Rocco. Wow, you can see the ain't ain't in his face. he looks amazing. he looks in good shape. he's lean and mean, and he has no fat around the midriff. you can see the ain't in his face. Rocco's trainer Mark Winare keeps him in great shape. there's Wendula. Oh, Wendula. I've heard a lot of good things about this guy, Joe. he's got some unbelievable moves. Look at those moves now. he can slip and slide. he has dynamite in either hand. And they say he's got rhythm. they're touching gloves now. All right, and they're staring each other down. we're waiting for them. they're feeling each other out, Don King. Yes. he's going around. great moves. Oh, a little touching there by Wendula. Rocco's coming right back with it. Oh, a body punch by Rocco. another body punch by Wendula. they're going in and punching back and forth now. look at that. look at that. he's got a good one there, a bone pressure. Yes.
Oh, what a shot. What a fight. this is really something. Rocco can take those punches. Rocco is tough. you can see that he's a real pro. look at that. I can't believe it. he's down. he's up. he's down. he's up. he's down. see what I'm seeing. Unbelievable. What a round. What a Fight. Break it up, boys. break it up. we'll get to it. it's unbelievable. it's amazing. it's fantastic. Don, as you said, this is an all-out match. let's take a look at that knockdown again in slow motion. this is a real grudge match. There it is, Don. All right. you can see he really happened here. look at the fury of that punch. really happened to me. that's really something. look at that roundabout punch he's got there. what does that remind you of? Oh, that baller punch you got there. Ooh, what a fight. that looks like a Larry Holmes maybe, huh? There's no love lost in this match. And that guy, Wendula, He has some great moves. he slips and slides. he has that devastating punch take to champ Larry Holmes.
Don King, who do you give the first round to? Who do you think? Well, I think that round there would have to go to Wendula. Wendula, I think so. you can hear by the crowd, ladies and gentlemen. they just seem to be not partial to anyone. just all-out excitement and tension here. And, of course, you know that obviously you're not official. we're not the judges.
Absolutely. there's the rub-down by Rockwell. Mark Queen are keeping him in great shape. All right. let's continue here. First fight. we're feeling each other right now.
All right. look at that. he's taunting him. he's taunting him. He is taunting him. Rockwell's not going to take that sitting down. he's calling him out. Look at this. Rockwell's not going to take that look. Oh, he can't get out of him. he can't get him. He can't get him. he's taunting him.
Rockwell. I can't believe it. Oh!
Rockwell's angry. Rockwell's hostile.
But when will I come back? Oh, we're going to leave with this chair.
Look at this area. look at that combination. look at that combination. I can't believe it. Yeah, right on, Wendy. Oh, look at that. come on.
I can't believe it. Oh, my God. that he's joining. that's a cut around. I can't believe what I'm seeing. I can't believe it. Incredible.
Let's go. let's go. let's go. let's go. let's go. let's go. let's go. let's go. let's go. What's going to happen? What's happening? Hey, Wendula, it's over. it's over. it's over. it's over.
Who would agree when you come to the fight that you would be the logic of a right satellite?
Unbelievable. Wendula heads Matty Rocko right out of the ring. I can't believe it.
There it is, ladies and gentlemen. Wendula has defeated Rocko Inuretto for the Paperweight Championship of the World. Don, any closing comments? Yes, it is.
This is the most fantastic fight I've ever seen. it's better than Thrilling Manila. it's better than Rummel in the Jungle. This is it. the greatest fight of all time.
Don King. I'm just happy to be a part of it. Don King, do you see a rematch, Don? Yes, it must be a rematch. Will you promote that rematch, Don King? undoubtedly, I will.
Two hundred here, ladies and gentlemen. two hundred. Fantastic. The Rubber Knot between Rula. this is a winner.
Thank you for being here, Don King. Thank you, Joe, for letting me and having me here. this has been fantastic. this is a winner. Thank you for being here, Don King. Thank you, Joe, for letting me and having me here. This has been fantastic. |
cracked | hollywood_doesn_t_know_how_drinking_works_reckless_disagreement_deadpool_james_bond | Welcome to Reckless Disagreement, the only show on the internet that you can trust. I'm your host, a paranoid recluse, and here's a clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Now when I saw that scene as a kid, I just assumed that's how grownups got drunk after they made me go to bed. But when I grew up and started drinking on my own, I realized that if you tried to play a drinking game like that, you'd f***ing die. My meticulous research tells me that it takes 30 minutes to feel the effects of alcohol. So if you're taking shots up until the second that you collapse on the floor, you're going to keep getting more drunk. So this sweaty fat man isn't just passing out, he's falling into a coma. Mary and Ravenwood just killed that guy, and then she killed that guy. This made me realize, no one who makes movies has ever been drunk, somehow. So I decided that I would get drunk, and explain to them all the mistakes they're making.
Alright, let's see. Uh... That's not right, they're supposed to be--oh, there's a title! Aww. It's gorgeous, and I love it.
Raiders isn't the only movie that thinks this is how drinking games work. In The Two Towers, Legolas and Gimli engage in a drinking game with only three rules. No pauses, no spins, and no regurgitation. So, it's a drinking game. No, that's just drinking. Game implies like ping pong balls, or underwear. Right? This is the only drinking game anyone in the movie's ever played. It even happens in Thor. We drank, we fought, he made his ancestors proud. I admit, I'm not a Viking, but how does drinking so much that your buddy has to carry you home make anybody proud of you? This game only makes sense if your perspective on drinking is limited to seeing people leave four and return from the bar, and you're just trying to guess what went on in between to turn your friends into puke-y bags of shame.
Well, you guessed wrong, movies. You guessed real f***ing wrong, and you should be ashamed.
In movies, bars are the place you go when you're just itching for an excuse to explode into a whirlwind of gritty fisticuffs. There are so many examples that I'm just gonna stick to movies I love, like The Guest. And Dirty Work. And Deadpool. And I'd be kind of an idiot if I didn't at least mention Roadhouse. Okay, now show me another clip from Dirty Work. Rolling Stone, Street Fightin' Man, G. Stephon!
You just hit G-8. If you like me, the colonas. No, don't get me wrong.
Bar fights happen, and they're always hilarious, but your average dive bar isn't the time bomb of homophobia waiting to be set off by a guy with dreamy eyes ordering a blowjob shot. I love a blowjob. Now every bar fight I've ever seen was just a couple of drunk dudes grappling with each other and spilling my drink into the bouncer kick them out. And you know what, to all the people writing comments about how badass the bar fights you've been in are, who are you trying to impress?
Is it me? Oh. Oh, I'm flattered. Keep, uh, keep, uh, yeah, keep doing that.
Soldiers of forts and drinks on me! Cakes and legs open, and on the house! Okay, everybody, drinks on the house!
I am completely sure that nothing like that has ever happened in all of history. I've worked in a bar, and I don't even know how, like, you do that as a bartender. domestic, nothing important. Wait, is the guy who offered to buy the round not paying for the beer? What? I might be wrong about this. When I worked in a bar, I was 17 and the bartender used to give me a six pack when I did a good job. My place got shut down. These two facts might be related, but they also make me question this scene from Skyfall. How does this happen?
Did Bond walk in there with a scorpion and say, hey, everyone, watch this? Or does the bartender have it waiting there? What if anybody who isn't James Bond orders this cocktail, like, say, a drunk me, and gets stung and dies? Is the reputation for being the bar with the scorpions worth the hassle of disposing of dead bodies, and the effort it takes to feed and maintain a terrarium of deadly arachnids?
No. No, it's f***ing not. Next entry.
Movies think beer makes you hallucinate. Not to brag, but I've been really drunk before. I've gone on journeys of inebriated self-discovery, and I've peed on cop cars. But I've never been so drunk that I hallucinated something that wasn't there, because alcohol's effect is the opposite of that.
I'm pretty sure this joke comes from the scene in Pinocchio. And Pinocchio sees all his friends turning into donkeys, and he slowly pushes away his glass of beer because he just figured out that that'll turn him into a donkey, too. But everyone in Hollywood assumed that Pinocchio thought the beer was making him hallucinate, because they've never been drunk before.
So let me be clear, Hollywood, if you want to see things that aren't there, you're going to have to do what the rest of us do and go make friends with someone with a snake tattoo. But if Movie Boos isn't helping you trip out, it's giving you special powers. In The Big Bang Theory, which none of you watch, but all of you know about, a character named Raj can only talk to women when he's drunk. Then he can talk to him fine, like a normie. Well, I read a simulation. That's not a wacky joke about shyness. That's a serious drinking problem. Kind of like what Tom Cruise has in The Last Samurai.
Until the samurai just, like, take his booze away for a couple days, and he wakes up cured not just of his addiction, but also of PTSD. Ah, how peaceful. The nature, the trees, air, sobriety.
Japan has cured me. I am so good at being Japanese. I am The Last Samurai. I rest my kiss.
All right, well, the lights were out there. Someone just informed me that lots of people drink, and my thesis is ridiculous. Fine, thanks. Could have mentioned that earlier, but even so, let's take stock of how Hollywood drinks.
First, they chug. Then, they fight. Then, the inconvenience of bartender, and then they eye-f*** a scorpion that might not even be there before quitting drinking forever and moving to Japan.
That's not healthy. That's an unsustainable way to live.
You gotta sort this out, movies. Phew, this went really well. This show rules. I didn't, uh, look up at the way to end it, though. I guess let's try... |
SaturdayNightLive | old_enough_longterm_boyfriends_snl | Netflix viewers love Old Enough, the hit Japanese show that follows toddlers as they go on an errand all by themselves. And now we're remaking it here. But since Americans don't send toddlers out into the world alone, we have to find an equally helpless group. And we did!
Here's a sneak peek of Old Enough's long-term boyfriend. Matt and Kelsey live in New York City. they have been dating for three years, and now that he's 34, Kelsey thinks Matt is ready to run an errand all by himself.
Matt, I'm gonna need you to go out and get a couple of things for me, Okay? are you gonna come out? No, no, no. this is something you have to do all by yourself, okay? Matt's nervous, but with Kelsey's help, Matt is ready for his big errand. Matt will have to walk four blocks to Sephora, which he thinks is called Sephoria, like the Hbo show Euphoria, and buy a Smashbox Eye pencil and Night Mist. then he'll need to get two shallots at the market. here he goes! Hi. he's only 34. Wow, so brave! Don't get distracted by Ana De Armas, Matt! And he made it to Sephora! But once inside, Matt is overwhelmed. he's never been here without Kelsey before. Oh, no, Matt, don't cry. ask for help like a big boy.
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Kelsey hopes Matt is okay by himself. Matt is so great at doing things he likes, like draft kings or his adult Legos, but getting something for me without me being there is a lot for him to handle, especially at his age. I might have a bottle of glass of wine. it's 10 a.m. but it's fine. you can cut that out right. Sephora, Matt makes his purchase! Hooray! Oh!
And after stopping to buy a bacon, egg, and cheese even though he ate lunch an hour ago, Matt's on his way to the market. But what's this? another boy on an errand?
Hi. I'm 34. I'm 38 and a half.
Are you on an errand for your girlfriend? yeah, I had to get dry cleaning and a cream that cost $80. Are shallots, onions? yeah. bye. bye. keep going, Matt. you're almost there. he made it. Kelsey wanted two shallots. but he buys two five-pound bags of onions. Kelsey awaits his return. Hurry up, Matt. you're almost there.
And he's done it! I am really proud of him.
That said, I asked him to get an eyeliner pencil and two shallots, and he brought home 10 pounds of onions and a blush palette for African-american women. So. we should just break up. it's just not this. it's everything. we're basically roommates. watch. baby, do you want to have sex right now? uh-huh. it's like light outside. silly me. Silly me. |
dropout | who_cares_about_heart | from phoenix force to phoenix right nerds are passionate about a lot of things but there's something they love above all else and that is correcting people this is um actually joining us on the episode today we have Shane crown hello Jenny Lorenzo let's get dangerous and Erica ishy hey how's everyone feeling good super a little bit of nerves a little bit a little tensile seriously yes yeah we'll do a little bit easier right into it Shane's the only one who's done this before right yes I have done this before yeah you you sound more intense than everyone else because I know what to expect I know that I will not be the same on the other all right well the game is very simple this is a stack of statements these are false untrue statements about the things you know and love it's up to you to find what's wrong and correct me and there's like two rules you have to precede all your corrections with um actually sort of like jeopardy style if you don't answer and I'm actually I won't give you the point and you can interrupt me whenever you want as soon as you spot what's wrong you can jump right in there and prove that you're smarter than me just like in real life you can feel free to grab your buzzers let's jump right in the BBC series Torchwood follows a small group of people from the Torchwood Institute a government organization founded in the Victorian era to defend earth for supernatural threats the name Torchwood itself is a reference to Shakespeare's the Tempest yeah actually it's not based on the Tempest it's not it's not a reference to the Tempest yeah I'll give you the point unless someone can tell me what where the name does come from so it was not a reference to the Tempest so your point unless someone can say where where Torchwood comes from I should know Shane um actually Torchwood is from Othello no can we just go through his entire and um actually it's about much to do about nothing we can go through the entirety of Shakespeare's works but I will say it is not a reference to any Shakespeare rather than getting stuck here forever that I'll give the point to Jenny yeah it's not a reference it's not a reference to the Tempest Torchwood is just an anagram for Doctor Who so they spun off it it was it was like a working title that they rearrange and then they're like oh you know like this actually works as a good title for a show that's Torchwood my car is blue because of the TARDIS and I have a bumper I I just I just give up did you watch Torchwood as well as not okay so that you don't need to know it's like you could have watched all of it and still not been good at Scrabble yeah you were constantly rearranging the letters of Doctor Who to see what it might make yeah it's yours now about Captain Planet in Captain Planet Gaia gives five special rings to the five chosen planeteers four are based on the platonic elements earth fire wind and water while the remaining ring heart is little use on its own but necessary for summoning Captain Planet yes shame um actually they're all equally necessary for summoning Captain Planet there's nothing special about heart they are all necessary for summoning Captain Planet you're near you're I'm gonna say no you're you're you're in the right area but you're Jenny um actually it's meant to change the hearts of the bad guys and bring everybody together like a happy family it no no well no no I mean it gets metaphorically but not not magically Erica um actually Mati does use the ring on his own apart from the rest of them yeah I think there was like was there like a dolphin episode or something yeah yeah you're getting right to it so really what I'm asking here is what does the heart ring do friendship it's more than does it do friendship it does blood it does blood no one wanted to be heart and the playground like it's like being like sporty spice I always called water because that was the Asian chick I care about hard gosh I feel like I could equally give it either Jenny or Erica or to no one yeah everyone want to take a stab at beyond beyond the sort of medic metaphorical opening people's hearts what what is what is the heart power do this is so deep what is the heart all about what is what is love if anyone can answer what is love I will give you one point baby don't hurt me baby don't hurt me no more yeah no that's uh we'll go ahead we'll just call this what I watch so the power of heart is like it's telepathy it's communicating with animals it's a very powerful thing that and you're right like no one everyone was always like fuck my tea fuck heart it's like it's professor X with the monkey it's crazy like we as kids it was always just like yeah no what is heart dude it's like that's not shooting lasers or fire or wind or anything like that I feel like if they'd called it instead of heart mind screw well no one point to my tea no points to anyone else here we go the unified Zelda timeline that attempts to link all the Zelda games into one coherent timeline is incredibly convoluted involving time travel and split timelines while Nintendo hasn't confirmed any one official timeline most fans agree that the first game chronologically is minish cap and the timeline splits at ocarina of time Shane um actually minish cap is not the first one the first one is skyward sword that's correct yep you got it I was like it's a can you fill in the rest of this information and you very slowly did I was hoping you would say that's correct before I had to take a chance if you would do it and maybe throw it throw it around if I couldn't but yeah skyward sword is the first chronologically yeah and also they did somewhat confirm it because they published the guide the guide to Hyrule is this big leather that giant book thing and it has the timeline where it splits an ocarina of time and so there are two different split times depending on whether or not he saves time in the future with the time skip or in the past I'm actually there's three time there's the child and then two adult timelines in which he wins in which he loses they know for a long time it was just sort of like we're just making games and then the fans like no no it all fits together it's great that they that they have sort of like taken taken that in because it does feel like the work of a few extremely devoted fans trying to puzzle together a convoluted puzzle and then the intended just being like yeah that's right well great that's a point for Shane this one is about Star Trek in Star Trek Q is a cue from the planet Q he and his wife Q have a son named Q actually the son's name is R but no I should specify to it doesn't really come across on the page the his son's name is Q it's a lowercase Q sometimes they call him little Q but it is still Q yes very well thought-out pathology there's only one thing wrong with what I've just said I'm sure all right I feel like my process of elimination you figure out which of these is not named Q there's an imposter Q I think as a team we can figure it out I'm actually it is not the planet Q that's correct wow it's just I used to watch Star Trek growing up but it was like in the background yeah a little TV set and I just I don't know do you know do you know where he is I don't know the name of the actual planet um actually is it the dimension oh you're on the right track I'll keep the point for Jenny but you're he's from the Q continuum which is basically another way of the sort of the Q dimension but yeah everything else Q is a Q from the Q continuum with a wife Q and a son named Q it's just Q it's Q all the way around okay is there another writer strike someone had a broken keyboard they're just like oh what do we call this guy all right we are going to move on to our first shiny question of the game now shiny questions are like shiny Pokemon in that they're worth the same amount of points they're just a little bit different and a little bit rarer so this is a game that we call match the voice we're gonna ask you to match a character with the voice actor who plays them whoever can name the most correctly we'll get the point go ahead and flip those over let's take a look at them I can't tell if Jenny's done or frozen in fear I love cartoons and I don't want to screw this up let's go ahead and flip those around all right Shane walk us through who would you choose here for for what well I've got James Avery who I believe was uncle Phil yes he was as shredder yes same character really yes JK Simmons really threw me uh-huh I was like I unaware of his voice acting career so I was like yellow M&M uh-huh maybe maybe um jaleel white as sonic mm-hmm that's kind of I think kind of another guess I'm not sure about sonic Jessica Walter as the as the dinosaur Meg Ryan as I'm not familiar who this character is that's dr. blight from Captain Planet mm-hmm and Vin Diesel as the iron giant that is the only one that I knew for sure or I knew James Avery also yes well it looks like also everyone else has the exact same thing slotted in I'm very happy to say these are all six totally right so everyone gets one point for being a hundred percent correct on all these yeah I love that that cartoon they're like actors here it's like oh be very easy for you to just be like cast as like you're just Steve Urkel forever and be like no I can this is like a way for me to do something else I can be sonic for a little while you know and that's it for this episode of um actually um actually it's not there's way more of this episode over on dropout go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today I'll be right here well I'll be over there I mean I'll be in both places at once because this is just there's more technology we've taken six of those titles and rearranged the nouns so you can put them back together again |
dropout | why_you_don_t_own_your_tech_adam_ruins_everything | What in tarnation? Who are you? Hello. I am Cory. He is Adam. And this is Adam Ruins Everything.
Well, y'all better get the hell off my property, y'all. Hey, don't touch my stuff. Oh, if the tech industry gets their way, none of your stuff will be yours anymore.
You know that long license agreement you got to scroll through and agree to every time you set up a new device? Oh yes. When you started using me, you agreed to my terms. You will not alter my personality settings, replace my ocular screens, or use me to create a nuclear device. Sure, fine. Okay.
Well, when you click agree, you are also agreeing that you don't fully own that device. Sure, the physical hardware might be yours, but the software that makes it run is still owned by the company that made it. You bought that toaster, so that means you can do whatever you want with it, right? Darn tootin'. Well, if it were a smart toaster, the company that makes it could shut it down if you violate their license agreement. Like, say they don't like the type of bread you used.
I can fix that. Spring's probably just... Sorry.
According to tech companies like Apple, you don't have the right to repair your own devices, like your iPhone. If your iPhone screen breaks, Apple doesn't want you paying some independent repair store to fix it. They want you to go to the Apple store instead. Oh, hogwash. There's only one Apple store in all of Nebraska.
I trust my guy. He knows what he's doing.
Well, be careful, because Apple's software updates have disabled the touch screens of phones that had been repaired using generic parts, essentially locking people out of their phones. And Apple is not the only company pulling this trick. Your Keurig coffee maker can force you to use Keurig's special coffee pods. HP printers can refuse to work with anything but HP's ink cartridges.
And if you use an e-reader, you don't even own your books anymore. For instance, when you buy a Kindle book, you're actually just licensing it from Amazon. You can't loan it to a friend or resell it, and they can even take it back. Sorry, gotta confiscate this copy of 1984.
The irony isn't lost on me. And what big tech is doing to your tractor is even more messed up. No, don't touch my tractor. John Deere and case tractors have software license agreements that prevent you from fixing your tractor yourself. In one instance, a case tractor sounded an alarm every 10 minutes, and the owner couldn't fix it for over a year. All the tools and repair manuals are only available through an authorized repair shop. If you mess with the software, you can be hit with a huge fine or even jail time. I wish you hadn't done that to you. How the heck is it illegal for me to fix my tractor and legal to do all of this? Because big tech is fighting to keep the law on their side. When farmers in Nebraska championed a right to repair law, Apple and other tech companies swooped in to kill the bill.
Isn't this just a little over the top? Wait, you mean what they're doing or my show? Or both. Incoming call from Kit Walsh, a lawyer at the Electronic Frontier Foundation. Hey, Adam.
The frustrating thing is, companies are abusing copyright law to lock you out of the software in your own devices, which gives them a monopoly on the entire chain of parts, repair, and customization. That means they can keep you from adding the features that you want. They can hit you up for more money when your device needs fixing, and they can even force you to throw away an entirely good device when the one you already have should be perfectly fixable. These companies can even hide how their products put us in danger. A few years ago, Volkswagen covered up their car's deadly emissions levels by hiding it in software that government regulators couldn't access. Before they were finally caught and forced to fix it, these killer fumes are estimated to have caused 59 premature deaths in the U.S. alone. Device makers want us to live in a world where they have more control over our devices than we do.
Now, it's not hopeless. PFF and our allies have already won some important legal victories, but there's still a ways to go before you'll be able to repair and trust in all of your devices. Speaking of which, I better get back to work. Oh, they bricked my horse. Could I be shut down too? Well, maybe you should be. No. How could you say that?
Technology serves the greater good. Actually, that's a myth that technology companies use to take advantage of us.
Here, I'll show you. Oh, sorry, Nelly. I've got to turn you off and on again. |
dropout | How_Gillette_Scammed_Women_Into_Shaving_Their_Legs | Sorry guys, I'll just be a few. I don't want to scare any children with these sasquatch legs.
Yep, people definitely get judgy about women's leg hair. But the fascinating thing about shaving is almost no one did it regularly at home until about a hundred years ago.
What the fuck? Emily, is this some sort of purge shit? Oh, no, no, no. Don't worry. Me and Adam do this all the time.
Before the safety razor was invented in the early 1900s, shaving with a straight razor was a dangerous chore. So most men either went to a barber or didn't shave at all. No, I've got a family. But all that changed when a man named King Camp Gillette invented the first disposable razor blade. Here my good man, buy one of my safe disposable razors. Shaving your beard will be such a breeze, he'll do it every day. Barely cut myself at all.
The razors were relatively cheap, but you'd have to keep re-buying new blades. Refills cost extra and you'll need a new one every few weeks for the rest of your life.
But wait, there's more. There is? Oh, yeah.
Gillette's real scam wasn't getting people hooked on his replacement products. It was convincing women that they had to shave, too, for the first time in history.
And that story is... Super messed up? I get it.
Up until 1920, most women didn't shave at all. It was so unheard of that when a teen girl cut her leg shaving, it made national news. But all that changed when old King Camp Gillette and the shaving industry started thinking about how to expand to the disposable razor business. Of course, women, the other half of the population. But since most women don't have beards, the shaving industry had to convince women that they even had body hair that needed shaving.
So they whipped up some manipulative advertising. First ads falsely claimed that in Europe, being hairless was all the rage. Shaving your underarms is the height of sophistication in, uh, Franklin and Spain should go. Then they pushed the explicit message that women should be ashamed of their armpit hair. But why would women's magazines let advertisers say this junk to women? Because that was the whole point. This is Rebecca Herzig, the author of Plucked, a history of hair removal. Becks, the reason that these magazines didn't have any scruples about shaming women into shaving in those days was because that was pretty much the whole point of the industry, getting women to buy things. Millions of women around the globe trusted these magazines for advice, especially as more and more young women were moving into cities and living their lives cut off from their families. And publishers exploited that trust, selling it off to advertisers so that they could try to convince women that if only they bought their products, all their problems would be solved. |
SaturdayNightLive | good_morning_greenville_snl | Time to wake up and stand up tall until your neighbor. Good morning. Y'all good morning, Greenville. It's your girl, Gail Gonson and ya boy Mason Monroe reporting for booty.
Definitely sprung here in South Carolina, and if you're wondering what all the buzz is about, it's Cicadas. That's right, cicadas only appear every 17 years.
Hmm. sounds like how often my daughter comes out of her room? Sounds like how often my husband takes me out for dinner, but he's a good man. Chili drinks later on in the program. Is soup actually bad for you? The answer won't surprise you, it's no. But first, we need to get real serious for a moment y'all and talk about what's happening in the world right now. Yeah, we really do.
Everyone keeps coming up to me and asking Gail. where do you stand on this Drake, Kendrick Lamar feud? people keep asking, are you Team Kendrick or Team Drake and I'm like, can't I be team rap in general? Because now every rapper is getting mixed into this beef like they were chopped onions and cayenne pepper. I mean, you got Kanye Two-pack Shoot Dog As soon as possible Rocky has he responded.
Now our weatherman Derek looks like he wants to jump in on this. Oh, that's okay. Is it real inside? Ll? Cool Beans? Is it uh old Dirty Donkey? Please let me just do the weather and go home.
Hilarious. Well, there have been about a dozen distracts between Kendrick and Drag, including three released yesterday. Our local culture critic has been doing a deep dive to understand. what the heck they mean. Please Welcome Wanda, Wind Y'all these diss tracks are getting insane. I've been away for the past 48 hours trying to piece it all together Now, Wanda, you normally teach piano at the local grade school.
Which rap songs do you teach? Mostly Elton John? he is good. Yeah, he's old-school rap. Hey, you know, maybe I should put out a diss track about you Mason that hurts.
Oh, Kendrick, Gail is coming for the throne. Oh, no, I don't know about that. maybe. Well, there it's over. they're loving it. Look now, Wanda, what have you learned so far?
Well, here's one clue on the song: Euphoria: When Kendrick describes Drake as Canadian. that's because Drake is from Toronto and he calls Drake Croaty, which is a term used by the Crips, which according to Wikipedia, is an alliance of street gangs faced in Southern, California. I think I know the Crips. are they like Kroger? No, I think that's a grocery store. Crips set up the cameras on movie sets. Okay, Drake's diss track.
He questioned Kendrick's manhood, saying he wears a size seven shoe. Now see, I don't get that. I wear a size five. Well, and it's a women's five, right?
So it's a men's three. A men's three.
Correct. I can only get them in Velcro. Drake is being sued by two parks of state for using an Ai version of his voice. You know. Funny, you should mention Ai because we've actually got some Ai that can settle this whole silly feud once and for all. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Hendrick Lamar and Dred. Nah! Now, What the heck?
You saying all this mean stuff about me? You know what? you're right. Shame on me for doing those mean raps about you. Well, that's your heart. We're saying that. Shame on me too. I suppose. Oh, and I take back what I said in my song. You can say the N-word. Oh, I think I will. Well, come on, then let's say it together.
I'm hearing from our Producers that we need to take a quick but also very long break. Now when we come back, we'll play a new celebrity game inspired by Kendrick song. We'll have to decide if the celebrity is black or not black. Honestly, I can't wait to hear your answers. |
dropout | what_the_english_goalie_was_thinking | okay here comes the ball we'll stop the ball stop the ball stop the ball gotta put out your hands and stop the ball so we can win this game for mother England weird that it's mother England and not father England and why is it mother nature but father time if mother nature and father time had a baby it'd probably be some weird grandfather clock made of dirt and frogs why isn't it a grandmother clock I guess fathers have a monopoly on the whole time thing monopoly there's a game I haven't played in a long time that in Boulder Dash ball stop the ball stop the ball stop the ball my butt bitches the worst thing about having a butt itch is that you really have to get up in there to scratch it but then it's like hosta la vista itch hosta pasta could really go for some spaghetti bolognese ball stop the ball stop the ball hands out hands out here we go whoopsie whoopsie whoopsie doodle I think I'm due for a haircut what was the razor number I used last time was it three with scissors on top scissors on top scissors on top with a cherry on top involved them with a foxy fox fox and socks and as a show I want to see who's to call the musical oh I just let my entire country down |
cracked | 4_u_s_presidents_whose_lives_put_action_movies_to_shame_badassing_your_way_through_history | Welcome to Bad Assin' Your Way Through History, I am Daniel O'Brien, head writer for crack.com and full disclosure, I love presidents, so if I had my brothers, every president would have his or his own movie. Except Millard Fillmore, who... fuck that guy. He's the worst.
Do you hear me, Fillmore's ghost? Get at this. I'm ready.
I also know that this is the internet and people won't click on a video titled 42 Presidents Who Deserve Their Own Movie, so hey, look, it's me, selling out. If you know one thing about Grover Cleveland, it's, we had a president named Grover, that's a Muppet name, to which I'd say, uh, actually, that's his middle name, his first name was Steven, to which you'd say, nah! So I'll just move right on to the second thing that people think of when they think of Grover Cleveland. He served two non-consecutive terms, that's basically all you need to know is to ace the Grover Cleveland portion of your middle school history in mid-term because, whatever, public school system is broken.
But if you were actually a living, breathing, sexual, human American during Cleveland's reign as president, you know that Cleveland was synonymous with honesty. In 1884, the American people had grown sour on the idea of big government and assumed all politicians were corrupt. Cleveland emerged as a man of the people, who told it like it was, and always did the right thing. A big, walrus-looking sack of refreshing honesty, which made it all the more surprising when he lied to the entire nation. See, Cleveland, during his presidency, found out that he had cancer in his fucking head.
He didn't want the world to know that he had cancer, so he only told a group of about six people that didn't include his vice president, whose name was Gonzo Hugging Stuff. Because shut up, you're not going to look it up. Cleveland brought this special team of doctors on a boat to perform the surgery at sea so no one could possibly walk in on them. The refreshingly honest president of the United States staged a secret cancer removal surgery over a holiday weekend on a boat to hide his condition from everyone. The doctors even went in through the mouth so as not to leave scars and also to make the whole thing just as gross as possible. If a small team of professionals secretly break into the mouth of a president to remove face cancer, isn't the plot of an Ocean's Eleven-esque heist movie?
I don't know what is. You know, like, shame, or filth, or choke, one of those movies.
Kennedy was a president for some amount of time, during which I assume many interesting things happened. But what I'm here to talk to you all about today is Goni, of which Kennedy did lots. John, the F stands for what you'd happily let him do to your girlfriend Kennedy, admitted to friends that he could not be satisfied if he didn't have sex at least three times a day, and told the Prime Minister of the UK that if he went more than three days without having sex, he would get terrible headaches, which, were that my problem, my head would literally burst into aneurysms, just all the time. His list of sexual exploits included Marilyn Monroe, Jane Mansfield, Angie Dickinson, Phalurinda Balkan, and if you happen to have a grandmother who worked within five miles of the White House during Kennedy's administration, I'm very sorry to be the one to tell you this, but yes, her too, your grandmother.
There's nothing personal. He's just a handsome robot that needed a giant to fuel his engines, and your grandma was like, I have some vagina, and he was like, need, need. This fake movie isn't about sex robots, though, shotgun, that idea. It's about a sex addict.
Whoa, that's way too long of a title. Daniel, make a note. Edit the title card down to something usable before you film this thing. Oh, fuck, I already read that off a teleprompter.
I'm an idiot. We can fix that in post, right? I'm an idiot. Awesome, great, thank you.
Anyway, Chester A. Arthur, brief history lesson. In 1860s America, all of the real power went to what was known as political machines, corrupt, behind-the-scenes organizations responsible for all the sorts of crimes that white people with money get to commit. The New York Custom House was the most powerful of these machines. It collected tariffs on just about everything that came into America, which it could then use to financially back the presidential candidate of its choice, meaning that presidents were reliant on maintaining a good relationship with political machines. People vote, sure, but the machines could actually make someone president. And Arthur was one of the three people who ran the New York Customs House and enjoyed lots of money, unchecked power, and slimy handshakes for years until President Rutherford fired him. You know, for crimes. Arthur, hoping to regain some of that prestige and influence, Hannah shook his way into being the Republican Nominate for Vice President under James Garfield. Then Garfield got shot, on a Monday I bet, and Arthur became president, and here's where it gets cool. Given Arthur's past, you'd assume that he would keep doing business as usual and be the most corrupt president ever. Perpetuating and strengthening the power of the political machines that for so long lined his pockets. But no, Arthur used his knowledge of the corrupt political machines to destroy them.
All of his former shitty friends, the people who made him so powerful in the first place, he systematically took them down. He completely defanged them like only he, as a former insider, could do. It's like Denzel Washington, an American gangster helping Russell Crowe, take down New York's worst drug dealers. And also like Frank Lucas in real life, I guess. If you don't think Martin Scorsese could make an interesting mini-series about Chester A. Arthur's rise to corrupt power, fall from corrupt power, rise to legitimate power to undo all of his past wrongs, then you're a bad person.
You're wrong.
Spoiler alert, Herbert Hoover died. I guess that shouldn't be a spoiler alert, technically. But I mean that Hoover died before anyone thought he died.
Like he was a sick child. And a doctor said, this kid's fucking dead.
And his parents were like, that's fair. So they put pennies on his eyes and covered him with a sheet, which was custom back then for when people died, and declared him dead, which is custom still today. The only problem was that Hoover was super still alive. A few hours before his parents were probably going to bury him, Hoover opened his eyes and was like, damn it.
I was just sick for a little bit. Cool it. And two, I'll be fine. Which, of course, was an understatement.
Once he fake died as a child, Hoover went on to absolutely crush the world. His parents died for real a few years after Hoover died for pretend. And Hoover, alone at nine years old, fell in with a gang of young Indian boys who taught him how to hunt and fight, use a bow and arrow.
He paid for his own education through various odd jobs. When he graduated college, he made a stupid amount of money in gold, which he turned into an even stupider amount of money in white people's stuff, which he turned into food and supplies for World War I soldiers. He wasn't employed by the army or the government, mind you.
He was just like, hey, I heard you guys like huge guns. I've got some money. Here you go. Hang me back or don't. Whatever.
Hoo-ba! Hoo!
His favorite sport was a game called Hoover Ball, which is like volleyball. Except instead of using a soft, bouncy volleyball, they use a 10-pound medicine ball, described by a friend as more strenuous than either boxing or wrestling or football. Hoover Ball was the preferred sport among fearless, once dead badasses and, exclusively, no one else.
The Hoover movie that I want to see doesn't even touch on his presidency. I'd pay any amount of money to watch this little Hoover kid learn to fight and survive in the wild, just first act of hunger, games, and shit all day, and pick himself up by his bootstraps and make a fortune while also throwing 10-pound balls at his buddies. Why hasn't the movie been made yet? We got a J. Edgar Hoover movie first.
Horse shit. Clint Eastwood. It's horse shit, I say.
Is anyone even listening to me? Hi, I'm the internet's Daniel O'Brien from just seconds ago.
If you enjoyed that video and you'd like to learn more about presidents, go to your local library, or go to your even local computer, and order my book, How to Fight Presidents, at howtofightpresidents.com. It's a book, and I wrote it, and it's got president stuff in it. A lot of the same jokes that you just heard, but this time you have to read them, so. Thanks. |
dropout | you_weren_t_supposed_to_see_that_photo_hardly_working | We were on the beach, and we were camping, and we saw the most incredible sunset.
Oh, cool. Yeah. Oh. Uh, I gotta get back to the work. Me, yeah. Yeah.
I mean, at least we- You've seen too much.
Ooh!
No! Wish I didn't have to do this, Raph. I love you like a brother. No, please!
You know what you saw. I didn't see anything!
I swear! You saw a sexy selfie that I sent to someone five nights ago. And now I have to kill you. No!
It's not that big a deal! Of course it is, Raph!
We used to be friends! We used to be equals! We're still equals!
What are you talking about? No, we're not.
Not after you saw my thirsty duck face in that photo. I just saw a flash of skin! I didn't even know it was you until you said selfie! Of course it was me, Raph!
Who else would have been dressed like a baby? That was you dressed as a baby?
What? No. Yeah, fine.
Okay, I was sick of always having to be the mommy. Oh, you are telling me way more than I could have known.
Look, we all send sexy selfies, all right? Maybe we just forget it?
Oh, yeah. You say that, Raph. But in a month, you're going to be drunk with Grant or Rekha, blabbing your mouth about my titty tattoo. What? Oh, please. Like my titty tattoo isn't the first thing you noticed about this photo. Oh, Allie! That's not the picture I saw! What? Fuck! Now I really have to kill you. No! What is going on in here? I kind of saw a tiny bit of a sexy selfie from Allie's phone. Oh, my God, seriously? Yeah. Oh, wow, that is really, really bad news for you. Oh!
I should just delete this photo. Just create a hidden album on your phone.
You can do that? Yes, it is 2018. Oh, no!
Click here to see some more cool stuff. And if you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here. I made that. This is what I like. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_110_Tom_Madden_CNBC_Asia_and_Sky_Oz_Business | They have opened up a few things in Queensland this week, cafes, five people in the house, et cetera, et cetera, so unless you are an absolute psychopathic socialite, things should feel back to normal. Tattoo parlours, however, still closed. And gun shops. Gun shops and adult entertainment. Yeah, your nephew would be a bit upset that they haven't opened up the knock shops yet.
Yeah, I know, he's gone broke. Anyway, the economy's suffering still in many places.
There was talk initially by Morrison once he'd finally gotten his talking points in order and had a narrative to present that he was going to put a lot of Australian businesses into hibernation. That's what the JobKeeper package was going to help do. And it seems there hasn't been many complaints with the JobKeeper. I mean, you'll hear the occasional freelance Aztec folk artist complaining about not being able to get on JobKeeper. For the most part, people are, there's not much criticism. Bipartisan success story, a lot of people are saying.
Now, this is just the tip of the iceberg, though. There's a lot more going on in the economy that doesn't meet the eye unless you are one of those robots who walk around Martin Place. And today we have one of them joining us. Sky News business analyst, CNBC portfolio asset manager. What else have I missed there?
Party boy? Thomas Madden, thank you for joining us. Thanks, boys. I think that pretty much sums it up. Thank you, Clancy. Anyways, how are you boys? What's happening? Not bad, Tommy.
Mate, we're just trying to wrap our head around basically the markets now that the worst of the COVID-19 in terms of the deaths have passed us. But now we really want to talk about another death that's kind of about to happen.
And that's our wealth and probably our children's wealth and certainly not, you know, the wealth of the older people that these big measures were brought into essentially save from dying. So basically, we'd just like to start things off with the government has spent about $360 billion of their own money. Well, not really their own money. It's one thing I'd like to ask you is that where did this $360 billion come from? Is this from like bonds or some buried gold? It's an interesting conundrum that we're in, you know, unless you've been living under a rock, I'm sure that all the listeners and you guys and the residents are all aware that the government has been spending a ridiculous amount of money on essentially trying to prop up or keep the economy afloat, I guess, is probably a good way to describe it while COVID is affecting markets and economies globally. There's so many different, it's such a complex situation and I'm not a super genius, but I can try and, I guess, explain it the best way that I think that I can. So essentially, the government doesn't have money to be able to, you know, just it can create money out of thin air, but that causes inflation.
Zimbabwe. Zimbabwe, baby.
That's right. Yeah, that's more or less the Robert McGarvey School of Economics where if you don't have enough money, you just have to go and make some more. You just keep printing. That's right. And you get 10 billion Australian dollar loves of real. Real pangs of the Weimar Republic in there too, you know, useless Deutschmarks, Reichmarks, whatever they were called. That's right.
Unless we want to turn into Germany after World War One, then we have to be kind of fiscally responsible for what we spend. Anyway, at the moment, the economy is basically not moving. GDP is negative. I think it's down 6% year on year.
No one's making any money, which essentially means that the government doesn't make any money. They don't collect any tax receipts.
But at the same time, they're having to spend crazy amounts of money to keep this as a float. As you guys mentioned before, job keepers won the initiatives. But all in all, it's costing the government about four billion dollars a week is the figure that everyone, the news outlets seem to be running with, which is an insane amount of money. We already had quite a bit of debt before this happened compared to the likes of other Western countries where actually our debt pile is reasonably small when compared to GDP. But we still had quite a bit of debt.
And essentially, I think the question that you asked was basically where we're getting the money from. Yeah, where's this money from? What we do to raise money is obviously money doesn't grow on trees and the government knows that. I think a lot of the time I don't want to get too political in here. A lot of people seem to think it does and that they can find this money to fund other things or where did this money come from? You know, why isn't it being spent in better health care or social things?
But it is because we essentially, we need to invest the money, the debt that we raise into profit making or economy boosting situations so that we can then pay that money back. We raise that money through the issue of bonds. We sell bonds to international banks, probably the Chinese. The Chinese give us a shitload of money in return for bonds.
They already own us anyways. They own all the property. They own all the debts.
That's going to upset a lot of old timers. And I think they should be clear about where this virus came from. That's right. We need an independent inquiry into Wuhan. How can we really fuck these guys? I know. We create a super virus and force them to buy a shitload of money and then take over the country. It was already happening. If you were living under a rocket, it already happened. That's not groundbreaking news.
So we raise the money from bonds from the Chinese. We then pay to our people to keep the economy afloat in the hope that everyone doesn't go bankrupt and the government can still get some tax receipts when this thing finishes. So that's where we get the money from.
So just another thing about the share market is that when all of this started to roll on, we did see a lot of investors start to sell their shares. No one had any confidence in the market and we just saw it go into freefall. But it's bounced quite heavily though. It has indeed. Again, it's one of those situations where I can give you my opinion on markets, but no one really knows. How come it went down and up in your opinion so quickly? Well, I think the story is yet to unfold properly.
When did you first start thinking, oh no, no, no, no, no, no? It was when. Do you know what?
It was when the stock market kind of started falling. I think stock markets are a pretty good indicator of things like global flu viruses that kill lots of people. The Warren Buffetts of the world seem to know what's happening before the medical experts do. It's funny how that works out and I don't know what their secret sauce is or whatever it is, but markets started turning pretty significantly because this whole thing was already going on in China. Everyone knew about COVID in November, I think, or October last year. We all knew and we kind of thought it's going to be another SARS type situation and the stock market rallied really hard towards the end of last year. People didn't think it was going to be much of a big deal, big ups to the Chinese government for keeping that under wraps and letting all their residents continue to travel globally knowing that this thing was going to essentially eradicate the economies of most countries around the world.
That's an interesting opinion, but go on. Thank you, China. And Warren Buffett knew because he was in on it. Yeah, him and Bill Gates. That's right. Yeah, Bill Gates created it. Him and his robots. And 5G too. That's right. And 5G chemtrails and all that kind of stuff.
So the market started to turn in February towards the end of February. Things were rallying until then and then they turned in February and that I think is kind of when, to be honest, I started going with everything's still open here, the economy is still ticking over, but there is this looming shadow of this virus hanging over our heads. The market turned and it started going, oh, wait a second, maybe this is worse than we thought or at least the fear of the virus is going to have knock-on effects.
I really think that the politicians were playing it day by day. They didn't even know what they were doing 48 hours ahead. It wasn't some great big grand plan.
It was like, oh shit, one minute was like, guys, don't worry, we're fine. And the next minute was like, actually, we need to stop everyone going to school. That's right. And let people get haircuts and then not let people get haircuts and then let them get haircuts again.
But that's, I think the markets kind of took a turn and that's when everyone started going, hold on, the economic impacts of this thing are going to be huge. And the markets, yeah, well, they fell 30%, so it was pretty serious. It was the biggest fall since 1992, since the crisis of 1992.
If you didn't have any shares, like a lot of young people in this country don't because if you read the newspapers, every person under 30 in this country doesn't have any money and the world's against them. How do things like this affect people that don't have any shares or a real exposure to the markets? I mean, it doesn't, I don't want to get too technical, but I think we've had a prolonged period of economic growth and it has benefited people that have assets. So people that own property, people that own shares, boomers, they've benefited really well. Government policy has essentially done nothing but aid and inflate the value of existing assets. So whether that be shares or property or anything that you can buy with leverage or that spits off cash flow has done incredibly well. There's the kind of economic policy of perpetual economic growth has been the mantra for the last 30 years, which is capitalism, you know, tick to tick, whatever.
It's been good. If you're in the market, which has now pushed a lot of prices. If you were a Howard battler back then. That's right. And now, but now young people, you know, the generation below, I think is struggling because we have overinflated asset prices. The government is willing to see me with property, certainly see me to expand or do everything that they can to protect property prices. That's left a lot of people out of the market. The recent downturn of 30%, you've got to remember the market rallied 18% in the last financial year. So back to markets. So really, you're down, but what, you know, 12% or something? And it's bounced back since then. So you probably, if you look at where your share portfolio was a year ago, it's probably not that, you know, it's not that drastic.
And like in a situation like this, and I'll keep talking on this, but we haven't even begun to see, in my opinion, the impacts of this in terms of what it's going to do on the economy. When they stop paying the job keeper allowance, this thing is going to just, you know, in my opinion, we've seen a bit of a bet. We've seen a bit of a recovery, but we're going to see a whole another level, a whole new low when we try and find our way out of this thing. And then longer term, we've got to think about paying back all this debt and paying the interest on these, or the yield on these bonds that we've issued to pay for this stuff.
So that brings me to my next question, Tom, you know, in a, in a post-apocalyptic coronavirus recession, would you see yourself as a kind of inner city, I am legend type, Will Smith, or like a motorbike riding cyberpunk, like Mad Max? Or a zombie. I'm, I'm, I'm a zombie. I'm joining, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm walking around the city. I'm eating people, I'm a cannibal doing whatever it takes to keep myself alive.
Not much, not much different to what you are now as a stockbroker in my place, mate. That's right. A soulless, soulless suit. Who only cares about himself? That's right.
So yeah, I'll be commanding a zombie horde of sorts. Portfolio manager. This is, this is where we first saw you. You often do a lot of stuff for CNBC.
And Sky. And Sky News.
What, what actually is your job for, like last week we had the world's fastest bowler on, on the radio show. The week before that we had former prime minister, Malcolm Turnbull. You kind of sit somewhere between those two people.
He's a big time robot though, that Malcolm. Meep, meep, meep. Yeah.
I hate Peter.
Beep, beep, beep. Fuck you, Matthias. Hello. Hello, Malcolm. Beep, beep, beep.
I've got some. You're a fucking robot. See, there's some pretty esteemed guests you have on, on, on this podcast. So I'm, I don't, I appreciate that.
As a portfolio manager, essentially, I'm in, I'm in control of wealthy peoples. Investments. Money. So whether that be term deposits, if, if they need, if they're investing in shares, investing in bonds, whatever it is that they require to continue to, to keep themselves wealthy and make money, that's, I'm the one that, that handles those investments for them and, and works out, you know, how much risk they want to take on and how aggressive they want to be with their investment style. And then everything down to the individual investments themselves. So what companies to invest in, what fixed income products or bonds to buy.
So that's, I'm, I'm in control of that. And I guess more importantly, I mean, I manage the relationships with those individuals.
So you weren't, you weren't working in the space you're in, in 2008. You might've just been, you just, I guess at that point you were still working on the farm. Now, you haven't seen a proper recession in your time.
Yeah, it's definitely, it's my first time being, I guess, invested in the markets. Watching, yeah, it's where I pop my cherry. Your recession cherry. It was awesome. No, on a more serious, I think this, this recession is different to a lot of the other recessions we've had, certainly the 2008 financial crisis, just on the back of this, this is a recession that people can, can see and feel like you walk down the street.
Everyone knows about the virus. Everyone's scared of the virus. You're not going to work because of the virus.
You walk down the street. I know things are opening up now, but a couple of weeks ago, you saw the shops closed. There was no one on the street.
So people in a way, in a weird way, economically were more comfortable with it because they know that, like for instance, in 2008, the GFC was caused by greedy investment bankers and back officers trading things called CDOs and holding these, and there was default swaps and there was, you know, people holding these large piles of very bad investments, banks holding these bad investments that were worth nothing that, you know, the people, the average, every, the everyday mum and dad didn't know what was going on. They're like, okay, what are these things? What are investment bankers doing? It took them 10 years and then they watched the big short twice.
That's right. They watched the big short. That's right.
And then you had Robert Robin telling you what a CDO is in a bathtub or whatever it was. So people didn't know. They kind of go, right, there's this, there's this weird financial crisis happening behind the scenes. There seems to be people in Florida that have left the keys in the doors of their homes, which is weird. But other than that, it was kind of like, the crisis was felt. It was a credit crutch. It was felt by banks. They couldn't lend money. They couldn't afford to pay out money to people they have money to, etc, etc. So it was, people knew it was going on. But dad and Dave from, you know, Petuda Ponds didn't know what had actually happened.
Yeah. I think the difference between 2008 and this crisis is people are almost, have come to terms with it a little better, certainly economically and with their share portfolios or their investment portfolios, because at least they know what it is. It's not to do with, you know, fraudulent CDOs that they don't even have any idea of or concept of what that means to the economy. But it's like, yes, I can't open my shop today. So I understand that the economy is having troubles. It's a kind of a real in your face financial crisis, because It's great to be able to blame China.
You can see, you can feel it. Like, yeah, like it's, it's, it's, yeah, that's, but you know what I mean? Like, so people, I think, which in a way makes people more comfortable with it, because it's not something that they can't control. It is something they can see and they can control. And that, and that kind of, which means they feel a little more comfortable with it. But I also don't think that we've felt the full extent of this thing yet.
So, so how bad do you think it can get? I mean, like things probably can't get much worse. Really? Incorrect. Try, try, try, try again. Well, well, well, I think the Clancy is, is, is laughing quite nervous. Like, can you paint us a picture of, of what the absolute worst case scenario is moving forward? Like one or two years in the future?
Well, first of all, I don't think you guys need to be worried up there in, in, in, in Batuda, especially with a largely online digital following with a reasonably low cost base. I don't know how good your 5G connection is up there. But I think, Clancy, you shouldn't, you shouldn't, you shouldn't, you shouldn't be too, I think you guys would be fine. The rest of the economy, I'm not sure. It's, look, my, my guess is as good as any, so no one knows how this thing's going to unfold.
And I guess it'll, it'll be a real testament to see, you know, how our government, well, a testament to them to see how well they can pull us out of this thing. But I think we've issued something like 400 billion dollars in, in bonds for one thing. That, that is going to take decades to pay back. So we'll have a budget deficit for decades now.
That's good to hear. So in the long term, the only way they can pay that back is by taxes and raising taxes. And they've got a great excuse to do it now with coronavirus. As I said before, people can see it, they can feel it. So they go, yeah, I guess it makes sense. We better pay more in tax so we can, so we can pay back the effects. So again, another way for the boomers, just as they're coming into their cushy retirement with their overinflated assets, they remove themselves from the workforce and then we get to pay it back.
So that, that's one thing. It's our duty. That's our duty. That's right.
But it can, it can, I think in the short term, it's going to be a lot worse for the economy. JobKeeper, for instance, they're reviewing it already. It's only just been, you know, installed and they're reviewing it already. It's costing the, it's costing the government 4 billion dollars a week. They've realized what a month in the JobKeeper, holy shit, we've just done four Kevin Rudd stimulus packages.
Yeah, a hundred percent. And I think that you can see, like, look at Josh Frydenberg when he gets on TV. Look how fucking nervous that dude looks.
Like everyone else, like, I mean, it's a tough job. All the state premiers are kind of up there going, we've saved, we've saved lives today. We, everyone's doing a great job. Everyone can start getting back to normal, clap, clap, clap, woohoo, happy, happy times.
But what, what scares me is when you see Scott Morrison and Josh Frydenberg get up there and you go, holy shit. Look how fucking scared these guys are. They've had this stimulus package in for a couple of weeks and look at his, it looks like he's about to fucking explode. And I think it, I think you can see how nervous he is.
So what's going to happen is they're going to wind this. They're going to wind the economic stimulus packages back and the JobKeeper packages back. They'll stop paying it. That's, I think, initially when you're going to see a real pinch.
We've had 600,000 people become unemployed since the start of March. And we've got five and a half million people on JobKeeper. They don't include the people on JobKeeper as unemployed. They're still counted as people employed, but there's been 600,000 people.
So basically a quarter of the population are experiencing. Exactly right. So what's going to happen is when a quarter of the population are essentially unemployed, they're treading water with the JobKeeper. As soon as they turn that off and we see how the economy and if the economy gets back to normal, that's when you're going to see, like, I think we've already got 9% unemployment at the moment. When you put, if you include it, when you drop those 6 million people back into the ocean and see if they can, they can swim, I think you're going to see some serious problems. That's when we start seeing, we start seeing ram raids. Yeah, 100%.
As you were saying before, the government looks to get out of this by, by introducing just some new temporary taxes or a levy. Are there any other ways for governments to try and turn the economy around? Like, as we have kind of seen in the past, especially in New South Wales, they were able to turn around their useless economy with these massive infrastructure projects. Kind of moving forward, do you think that the federal government and indeed the state governments around the country might look to start building things again?
Yeah, I think they will. I think we've actually done a reasonable job, you know, even before this COVID stuff. If you walk around, you know, central Sydney and have a look at all the construction that's going on, they're building metro stations, there's new infrastructures, the light rail. Yeah, they're doing underground rail in Brisbane too, that's just firing up now. Yeah, like it's all, so I think they're definitely know how to, they know how to.
It's busy, mate. We've got so much space.
They're trying to stimulate the economy. That's, where do they stop? Like, they're probably, you know, but anyways, they're already spending money on, you know, on things to stimulate the economy. You know, I guess they'll continue to do that.
But again, it all costs money. So if the government want to invest and try and stimulate the economy again, it costs money. They have to, they have to do like quantitative easing is a really boring topic. Essentially, if the government wants to do stuff like, you know, invest in infrastructure, then they have to borrow money from central banks who buy bonds often that they have to pay back in the future. So it's kind of, we can, we can, that can definitely happen, but it still has to be, you know, paid back. People have to get, the central banks are separate from government and they are required to, you know, they don't give free loans. They have to be accountable for money supply and spending and limit inflation. And all these, all these various kind of parameters that they have, that they have to control. If the government's not getting any tax receipts, like they're not now because no one's paying any tax, everyone's getting JobKeeper and businesses have stopped, they don't have money.
So it's, they need to get the system back going again as quickly as possible. Otherwise we could have a serious depression and you know, and who knows what happens. So I think we, we, as the virus, as bad as the virus is, we need to get the economy open and moving pretty quickly. Now, Madden, there was one interesting thing that's kind of come out of this whole virus. I guess you'd say the, the, the blinkers that a lot of people have put on, particularly see in America, but it's starting to happen in Australia and the UK as well, where people who are suffering, who are in a bad place because of this virus and the lockdowns that come with it, are just kind of pretending it's not happening and they're starting to just call for, you know, their liberties and their freedom. Obviously it goes right against the advice of medical experts, but that's just how desperate they are. You know, this is a lockdown, this is a conspiracy, this is, you know, a fascist state.
Have you seen much of that kind of chat from like a, you know, from your end of town? Because I imagine it's just as easy for someone in an air-conditioned office to think the same way, like just let them get back to work, let people get back to work. Elon Musk has been doing a little bit of it, in fact. Yeah, I think it's not, there's not really that, that type of chat in my end of town.
There's a lot of, a lot of questions over the economy. I think people are worried about the economy, which is not to be underestimated. People, people, the tendency is life over the economy, but the two are more intertwined, you know, than you think.
You know, I think from our point of view, it's, I want to see things get open as quickly as possible so it can get the economy back working, because you're kind of looking at what's going on, going, it's all very well and good, we're keeping people safe, and I understand that, and that's a great thing, you know, protecting life and stopping the spread of this thing. But you've got to remember, add to what cost. So, like, if there are six million unemployed Australians after this whole thing, and there is, you know, all the businesses have gone bankrupt, and there's, we lose, the life that we've become comfortable to enjoy goes away. You know, these have been looked at, at times of, of great expansion, and everyone has lots of money and stuff. Yeah.
But really, what happens to the, what's the emotional cost of having six million unemployed people? How many people, for instance, and this is an awful topic, but how many people are going to be depressed? How many people might commit suicide? How many families are going to have- What are they saying in the States? In the States, for every 1% rise in unemployment in the United States, 40,000 people die.
That's right. So you've got to, and that's why they're intertwined. So you look at the spread of a virus, which is bad, but then you've got to look at the knock-on effects of the economy, which sounds like this cold robotic thing, like, you know, you know, fucking stockbroker only cares about the economy and his shares going up. That's not, that's not true.
It's more, we're kind of, I think, we're looking at it as a whole and going, shit, there's going to be knock-on effects to this that are beyond, you know, a few people getting sick, as bad as that is, but it's like six million unemployed. How many families are going to be disadvantaged on the back of that? And what's the impact then on everything, not just the economy, but your fabric of life and how everyone operates. So there's, there's a lot, lot to consider. So it's, yeah, it's kind of- Now, you mentioned, you mentioned before just about, you know, when mum and dad feel the pinch, mum and dad investors feel the pinch, and how maybe they felt it during the GFC, but they couldn't really see it and touch it. One element of the Australian economy, one like almost imperative element is the housing market, which seems to have, you know, a lot of people, a lot of people are invested and very interested in how this thing's going to pan out. What are your thoughts there? Because this is going to be the one thing that we can all touch and feel.
Well, I find it, I find it crazy, the property market hasn't been affected yet. So shares have obviously come down, bond yields are coming down because people are worried about the ability of governments to, to, to repay loans. And they've also, with quantitative easing, as I mentioned before, and other forms of kind of economic stimulus that also causes interest rates to come down. What essentially that means for property owners is that debt is cheaper. And so the perceived response has been seen the property market not move at all. I can't see that continuing. As I said before, it's all very well and good. When if everyone's got jobs, interest rates are low, property keeps rising. So mum and dad investors that own their own properties and investment properties are safe at the moment. But if there is six million people unemployed, you can't tell me with any, with a straight face, that people aren't going to default on their home loans.
Yeah. So that's like, that's, that could be say three million mortgages not getting paid and three million landlords not getting paid. Exactly right.
And if you look at the fact that that's six million unemployed, you've got to remember that the participation rate in employment is, so we have, the Australian population is 25 million. But the workplace participation rate is not 25 million. We don't have 25 million people ready, willing to work. So if you look at that six million, it actually gets a lot more dire when you look at the fact that there's probably only 16 million participating Australians in the workplace. They're people considered actively working or looking for work. So that figure becomes a lot worse when you look at it from that metric.
And then you're telling me people are saying that property is holding up really well. It's a safe asset. Nothing ever goes wrong.
People borrow money at incredibly low rates to invest in property. People leverage, unlike shares, for instance, which you buy with the spare money you have, people leverage themselves up incredibly to buy property. So you might earn $50,000, but you buy $600,000 house. So you borrowed, you might have saved 50 grand and then the rest of it you borrowed from a bank. So you've borrowed a shitload to be able to buy that asset, which then pushes up the asset prices.
If six million people, let's call it 30% of the participating workforce, become unemployed, I don't see how property can still be at the levels that it is now. Because who the hell can afford to buy $600,000 to buy a property when they don't have a job? Yeah, but can the government afford to let these asset prices go down? Because if they go down, there's going to be millions of people who are paying a giant mortgage on a property that's worth 30% less. And if they're not going to really open the country up to immigration, which it is looking like on both sides of the parliament, are pretty keen on trying to minimize immigration moving forward, how does the government look to remedy that? I mean, like you can't really have all these people owning an asset that's worth nothing. Absolutely nothing that they've got a giant mortgage on.
I mean, you know, that's just going to be a replay of 2008. And that's what I mean. And that's why I'm saying I don't think we're finished with all this yet.
And if that happens, it's bad juju. I don't see how it is. The worst type of juju in the world. Yes, that's right. Very, very bad juju. I don't understand how it can happen.
But the government have done an incredible job over the last 30 years leading. We didn't even suffer really in the GFC here in Australia, on the fact that property prices continue to go up. So the government, I think that's the price you pay for a protectionist policy.
Like investments aren't made risk free. You're supposed to, they're supposed to be risk.
Historically, property didn't always perpetually grow up. Like you listen to our parents talk about when they bought their first home. My mum bought her first place. It was a house in Potts Point, a house on Victoria Street in Potts Point. She bought it for, it was $220,000, which in 1989 or whenever it was, she doesn't still own that house, which is a damn shame. But those terrace houses in Potts Point are worth about six, seven million dollars there. So you can't tell me that, like we haven't seen a correction. Historically, property prices went up.
Then there was a crash or something went wrong and they went down again. Then they went up, then they went down again. It was a volatile looking kind of graph.
But you look at it for the last 30 years with things like the government has implemented negative gearing. So that there's tax breaks for having negatively geared properties. We're the only country in the planet that does that. We've had record low interest rates for the last 15 years.
So they have done literally everything in their power to keep that asset going up. I think now you're going to potentially see the cost of doing that. You know, there's no such thing as a risk free investment, including homes as safe as you like to think that people like to think that that investment is. Well, Boomers like to think that there is such thing as a risk free investment. Yeah, they do. They do because they've had that. Their properties haven't gone down since they bought them. So that's where all the wealth creation comes from.
The government definitely doesn't want to see that stop because then again, like everything they're going to stop, they make a lot of money from property. From stem duty and, you know, various sales taxes, whatever it is, when you sell a property, if the values go up, it's done in percentages, so you pay more. So they love it, but it would be detrimental if we saw that crash. But is it a necessary crash, you know, potentially? Eventually, the band-aid has to be ripped off. The fact that, you know, you can't just gear up to your eyeballs, buy a property and have it perpetually go up in value. That doesn't, that's not the point of investing. If it is, then we should all buy property, borrow as much money as humanly possible, which is wrong, you know, metaphorically, and buy a house. If it never goes down and the government protects it, fuck, why not borrow two million bucks?
Well, things look pretty grim here. Magic can happen. We never know. We might be able to, you know, a world war might start which will distract everyone and fix everything. But just, you know, on a final note, how far off do you think we are from just blaming immigrants and poor people for this? And China. Well, that's already happening. Yeah, that's right. Fucking China. Yeah, look, I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is that China fared very well through this whole thing. Which means they don't look good. They're lending a lot of money and they're building superhighways or whatever it is they're doing around the planet.
So we should all start speaking Mandarin. Problem solved. And quickly. Well, thank you for joining us today. Tom Madden, AUSBIS analyst, CNBC contributor, portfolio manager, based down there in Martin Place, the beating heart of this vast nation. We're excited, nervous about things to come. As I think everyone should be.
It's not over till the fat lady sings. Also means it's not over until the housing market crashes.
So thank you for joining us, mate. This has been very interesting, very educational. Thank you, Clancy. Thank you, Errol. I appreciate you guys having me on. Thanks, Tom.
To let these asset prices go down, because if they go down, there's going to be millions of people who are paying a giant mortgage on a property that's worth 30% less. And if they're not going to really open the country up to immigration, which is looking like on both sides of the parliament, are pretty keen on trying to minimize immigration moving forward. How does the government look to remedy that? I mean, like you can't really have all these people owning an asset that's worth absolutely nothing that they've got a giant mortgage on.
I mean, you know, that's just going to be a replay of 2000. And that's what I mean. And that's why I'm saying I don't think we're finished with all this yet.
And if that happens, it's bad juju. I don't see how it is. The worst type of juju in the world, Tom. Yes, that's right. A very, very bad juju. I don't understand how it can happen.
But the government have done an incredible job over the last 30 years leading. We didn't even suffer really in the GFC here in Australia, on the fact that property prices continue to go up. So, the government, I think that's the price you pay for a protectionist policy. Like investments aren't made risk-free. You're supposed to, they're supposed to be risk-historically. Property didn't always perpetually grow up.
Like you listen to our parents talk about when they bought their first home. My mum bought her first place. It was a house in Potts Point, a house on Victoria Street in Potts Point. She bought it for, it was $220,000. Which in 1989 or whenever it was, she doesn't still own that house, which is a damn shame. But those terrace houses in Potts Point are worth about $6-7 million now.
So, you can't tell me that, like we haven't seen a correction.
Historically, property prices went up, then there was a crash, or something went wrong, and they went down again. Then they went up, then they went down again. It was a volatile looking kind of graph.
But you look at it for the last 30 years, with things like the government has implemented negative gearing, so that there's tax breaks for having negatively geared properties. We're the only country in the planet that does that. We've had record low interest rates for the last 15 years. So, they have done literally everything in their power to keep that asset going up. And I think now you're going to potentially see the cost of doing that. You know, there's no such thing as a risk-free investment, including homes, as safe as you like to think that, people like to think that that investment is. Well, Burma's like to think that there is such thing as a risk-free investment. Yeah, they do. They do, because they've had that. Their properties haven't gone down since they bought them. So, that's where all the wealth creation comes from.
The government definitely doesn't want to see that stop, because then, again, like everything they're going to stop, they make a lot of money from property. Sam, Judy, and, you know, various sales taxes, whatever it is, when you sell a property, if the values go up, it's done in percentages, so you pay more. So, they love it, but it would be detrimental if we saw that crash. But is it a necessary crash, you know, potentially? Eventually, the band-aid has to be ripped off. The fact that, you know, you can't just buy, probably gear up to your eyeballs, buy a property and have it perpetually go up in value. That doesn't, that's not the point of investing. And if it is, then we should all buy property, borrow as much money as humanly possible, which is wrong, you know, metaphorically, and buy a house. If it never goes down, the government protects it. Fuck, why not borrow two million bucks?
Well, things look pretty grim here. Magic can happen, we never know. We might be able to, you know, a world war might start, which will distract everyone and fix everything. But just, you know, on a final note, how far off do you think we are from just blaming immigrants and poor people for this? And China. Well, that's already happening. Yeah, that's right. Fucking China. Yeah, look, I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is that China fared very well through this whole thing. Which means they don't look good.
They're lending a lot of money and they're building superhighways or whatever it is they're doing around the planet. So we should all start speaking Mandarin. Problem solved. And quickly. Well, thank you for joining us today, Tom Madden. AUS Biz analyst, CNBC contributor, portfolio manager, based down there in Martin Place, the beating heart of this vast nation. We're excited, nervous about things to come, as I think everyone should be.
It's not over till the fat lady sings. Also means it's not over until the housing market crashes.
So thank you for joining us, mate. This has been very interesting, very educational. Thank you, Clancy. Thank you, Errol. I appreciate you guys having me on. Thanks, Tom. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_22_billy_the_twelfth_man_birmingham | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooner Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello and good afternoon if you're listening from inside the channel country and a very good afternoon, good evening, good morning, slum out puggy, slum out mulum, whatever whatever if you're listening around the world on the podcast. Yes hello listeners I'm Clancy Overall, I'm sitting here in Koala Mattress Studios as always with Errol Parker we've got an iconic guest in the studio with us today for our show and we're going to get straight into it. Yes he's one of the voices if not the voice of cricket in this country and I'm sure the vast majority of you listening to us right now have heard one of his famous impressions. We're of course talking about the twelfth man, comedian, journalist and of course impressionist Billy Birmingham. Yes he's been a staple in Dad's Christmas stocking for nearly three decades, a true audio artist and he's willing to give us a little taste of those voices he made so famous over the years. Yes we're going to skip most of the local news this morning and jump right into Billy's interview just because we went a little bit over time and it's one that we didn't really want to cut down because there was a lot of gold in there. Sitting here in the recording studio Desert Rock FM with a very influential guest to a lot of Australians, he's influential to our newspaper, influential to many many people who enjoy summer and enjoy the sound of summer, yourself Billy Birmingham, thanks for joining us.
Thanks very much boys, nice to be in this part of Australia, I haven't been here for a long time. It's good that you've made it all the way out here to the edge of the Simpson Desert. Yeah well it's not a place that a lot of people get to often and a chance to come out here and have a chat with you guys is something I've been looking forward to and now I've finally made it, I'm here and I'm thirsty. Beautiful, well we've got plenty of a tuna bitter for you. There you go, we'll have a sip of some now, you can get it riding, you can get it rooting a cow. As a matter of fact I'm rooting one now, whoa nelly.
Now we want to talk to you about the career you've had obviously. Long des yens, long des yens, and how much the status quo has changed from what it used to be in the 70s to the bastardisation of what it's become now. Yeah, what cricket do you mean, the bastardisation? The commentary term. Look we're here in Batuta, basically when the news is still fresh out of the oven Channel 9 have lost the cricket and to a lot of people, not even just young people but people my age, I'm 65 next month. Fuck that sounds old doesn't it?
But anyway, a lot of people like me had lost fucking interest in cricket until Kerry Packer got hold of it in 78 or whatever and with Richie Benno, Tony Gregg, John Cornell's strop that a lot of people know him as and Hoag's and a lot of people revolutionised the game. And I don't think I can blow enough smoke up Kerry Packer's arse. Anyone who makes a dollar out of cricket in 2018 owes a shitload of gratitude to Kerry Packer and those aforementioned people. But that was kind of a revolution of the game of cricket, the way the game was presented with the coloured uniforms and the cameras everywhere and I always imagined KP saying this is a fucking gladiatorial fucking sport.
You got a bloke hurling a fucking rock down at someone at 100 miles an hour. As it goes it's got fucking steeped in history. Why isn't anyone fucking watching?
And so they've come up with this idea of how they cover the game. Late night. Late night, coloured uniforms, lights and cameras everywhere and all the naysayers who were freaking out about the five day game going to suffer as a result of this 50 over game that Kerry focused on. They'd played one day games but they hadn't focused on it whereas Packer decided to give sort of equal weight to these one day games where people come along, spend the day or the night or the whole series, the whole session rather, and go home with the result.
Cricket in all of its forms has flourished ever since. Do you reckon that had a ripple effect around the world as well? Oh absolutely.
So all the poms especially were horrified. These fucking Antipodean wankers had fucking got a hold of their game. What the fuck are they doing with our game? I remember Sir Anthony Arboiledeg, I think was his name, the chairman of the wanker MCC, was like what the fuck's going on here? And they were really coloured uniforms. What the fuck's going on?
The creams. They were wearing their pyjamas down there. They were wearing pyjamas and under lights.
No, no, no, no. But every form of the game flourished. And as I said, it's continued to do so over the last, when it was 78, what are we doing, 40 something years. And anyone who makes a quid out of the game in 2018 owes a lot to Kerry Packer and those other trailblazers who grabbed the game by the fruff of the scrote, or the scruff of the throat, depending on what school you went to, and gave it the re-presentation, the re-energising that it needed. It had a similar effect as, say, State of Origin football did on Rugby League, where they kind of just amped it up to that kind of explosive world wrestling level.
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
Stating his steak, mating his mate, and all that sort of thing. And poor old Darrell Eastlake was one of my favourite voices to do. And he died recently.
They're all fucking carking. Do you stop? I'm getting phone calls from people saying, can you fucking re-edit your record and take me off it? Because everyone who you've taken the piss out of is dying. Tony Gregg, fucking Max Walker, Richie Benno, Darrell Eastlake, Mike Gibson. They're all, God, no, no, fuck, get me off those fucking records. Bill Laurie's particularly worried. Fuck me. Do you stop doing them once they die?
Yeah, well, I kind of have to. I mean, I did a posthumous. I mean, Richie Benno, I did a greatest hits, you know, like the best of Richie. Yeah. I did a greatest hits general record, which was called Willy Nilly, and then when Richie carked it a few years later, I decided, I mean, the guy's been the backbone of, you know, every record I've done.
He's been there. Even when I did a wide world of sports record, I managed to shoehorn Richie in there, you know, typical stinking, facking hot day here in Bombay, you know, and all that. I always had a cross to him somewhere in the world. And he was the mainstay, the backbone. He was where I started. It was his voice that got me into the whole 12-man thing back in the early 80s. I think I had him crawling down from heaven for some radio sketch that I did, you know, put the choral orchestra in the background with some sort of harp trill. Check one, two, and a bit of echo on his voice.
And, yeah, Kerry, I'll be there in a sec. Whatever the fuck, we're having a game of poker here. Where are you? It won't be a sec. Just on the phone to Australia.
And so I think I've done him from heaven. A lot of people, I mean, all the Facebook people, I mean, say to me, Billy, now they're all dead. Maybe it's time to have a game in heaven, you know, where you get Max Walker and Tony Gregg and Richie commentating.
Hansi Kronia. Hansi Kronia, that's right, yes. I'll have 50 on the nose in Australia. Hansi. Hansi, he denied that that plane was fixed. Hey, watch out for that mountain boy. We're going in for a closer look now. Oh, fuck. Hansi Kronia, yeah.
But, you know, I've had such a good run with the whole 12th man thing. You know, it's a pity it has to come to an end, but it's like, you know, all good things, it has come to an end. If I was to do another one now, I don't really feel the passion to do another one.
Could you do a warning? Is there a warning?
No, no, that's what I'm... If you wanted to look at the current crop of commentators on Channel 9, since Richie passed away, so the last three years, you know, Slats and Heels and Brett Lee and... And Mark. And which Mark have you got? Mark Nicholas. Oh, Mark Nicholas, yes. Well, you've done Mark with the South African voice.
That's why you threw me out of gear there. Yeah, I'm going to work out who he's doing there. Mark Nicholas, there's none of those guys who've got any voices that are easy to take the piss out of.
I mean, it was a godsend for me. Yeah. You know, back in 78 when they first came on air, because, you know, I just sat around my lounge room doing... I said, Jiminy, do you guys know Richie sounded like this? You know, because we all knew Richie Benard. Yeah. You know, blokes my age knew Richie Benard as a sort of, you know, former Australian skipper and a bit of a legend.
Smutex. We remember him for his Smutex ads. Smutex.
But anyway, none of us had this idea, any idea that he spoke with this very weird voice, you know. Fuck. Didn't we know that Richie sounded like this? And so we're all sitting around the lounge room enjoying cricket again with the new repackaging.
Where were you living at this time of your life? I was living... Where were we? So it was the late 70s.
I was the Northern Beaches. In Sydney. I'm in Sydney. Yeah, Northern Beaches in Sydney, Australia. And then I ended up around the leafy North Shore of Sydney.
So... Abbott Country. Yes. Is it Tony Abbott up around that way? In County Abbott. Yeah, I think Tony Abbott is on the cusp, I think you'll find, between the leafy North Shore and the Northern Beaches.
I suppose it'd be Smoke and Joe Country then down there. Smoke and Joe.
But it was around Linfield if anyone knows. Oh, right. If anyone knows the leafy North Shore. I was in Linfield when I was... Dick Smith Country.
Yes. When I started loving the game of cricket again. Before I did. Yeah. And, you know, like a lot of people, we were all sitting around, because it was on... Once Channel 9's presentation of the Packer version of cricket started, we're talking November, December, January, February, four months. Yeah.
And large chunks of TV time were spent with Richie and Bill and Tony and Max and all these guys presenting cricket to us. So, you know, we were loving the new presentation of the game and having a few beers, and then, you know, if you had a penchant, or a pin-chant, as Ray Warren would say, a pin-chant, for taking the piss out of voices like I did, you would just, fuck, listen to Richie, would you? Marvelous effort that, you know, Marvelous was the adjective du jour, was his favourite, and super stuff, and then the fucking bottom lip of the mind of its own, you know, and the chew, the way he said chew for 22, and you had to get your lips into the shape of the cat's arse to say it properly, chew for 22, and then, don't worry, and go, I got him, yeah, the only guy I did was just, you know, fucking blocked the ball back down the pitch. Ah, super shot! And it wasn't a super shot, he just fucking blocked it back down the pitch. And Tony, with the hide and fast and whatever, and they were just made, you know? Yeah. Max, you were looking for that big old bragging dash, and he had a big smile and stuff. So, someone is, the schnozy head of the old Max and Phone, but it was just, for someone who had a, a bingient for taking the piss out of voices, it was Manna From Heaven.
You were working in radio? You just jumped straight in as well? Yeah, look, I'd done, the two businesses that I had dabbled in, from 1970, when I left school, to 19, sort of, 80, was advertising in the music business. I used to work for EMI Music, and I'd spent a bit of time in a couple of advertising agencies. So, that was my background, and I was thrown together with Ostentatious, and I wrote Australiana for him, and that was because, just a couple of people that I was, you know, social friends of mine, he said that he wanted to write some comedy, or do some comedy, and I think they threw him my way, because I was, quote, funny at parties, unquote.
So, that's when Ostentatious, Ostentatious. Ostentatious.
And that, can you give us some numbers on how that did? Because, from memory, that was. That was, yeah. Number one for. Yeah, yeah. Well, it was a, it was a. It was a live album. Well, it's. Yeah, we did a live recording of it.
We did a, I wrote Australiana, and it was just, instead of saying it was a baroque, Latin Catholic, and it was a Pope shit in the woods, and all those sort of, you know. I used to say, how much can a koala bear, and just, you know, does a wombat, and it was just stupid fucking one-liners. And Sandy, who's Ostent's real name, I gave him the name Ostentatious, from Ostentexas, I don't know why. Anyway, he used to throw those lines out on stage whenever he was, whenever something didn't work. Yep. He'd say, oh fuck, and how much can a koala bear? And for some reason, he'd get the audience back again with a bit of a chuckle.
So I ended up writing, you know, the whole thing. I wrote down all of the ones that I had, and then I just wrote down all the others that I could think of, you know.
Do you want a game of eucalyptus? Veggie might come too. Nullar bores me shitless.
Hey, that gag, that whole thing has aged pretty well too. You could have had some hot mid-80s kind of.
Yeah, well, it was, it went to number one, and then we were taken to court. Brash's was the name of a record outlet in Victoria, and the Victorian Vice Squad raided Brash's store and charged them with two offences. One was selling an obscene item, which was all to do with the B side of Australiana. It wasn't Australiana itself. They took them to court for selling an obscene item and keeping on their premises for the purpose of sale an obscene item.
So, Austin and I obviously thought this is a fucking golden opportunity for a bit of publicity, so we turned up to the court in Melbourne and listened to this cop playing the B side of Australiana on a ghetto blaster, and the magistrate was fucking half asleep, and he obviously just couldn't give a fuck. It was just like, what am I wasting my time with this for? And the cop's trying to prove that there's a B side. I can't even remember what the fucking sketch was or what the offensive line was, but anyway. And it was the day, because I remember getting dressed up for court, you know, in a hotel in Melbourne, and it was the day anyone who sacks anyone for not turning up to work today is a bum.
Yeah, right. So, it was a momentous day that we won the America's Cup. Bob's there in the fucking stripy jacket telling everyone. He's back on the piss. Back on the piss, and we won the America's Cup.
Bob's telling any boss who sacks anyone's a bum, and then after that momentous event, we jumped a cab down to the Magistrates Court and listened to this cop playing Australiano. So, this was the number one record, and it went from number one in every state and number one nationally to absolutely nowhere because the record company decided that one more copy would leave the warehouse as a result of the charges levelled against Brashas. So, you know, soft cock stuff. You know, it was ridiculous. So, you know, one of it's the only record to go number one twice because as soon as it was, as soon as the magistrate, whose final words were, like, I've heard everything here today.
I don't know why we're here, actually, but I've heard everything today. I don't find any of these charges proven. I don't think it's an obscene item, and I'm going to lunch and slams down the gavel. I'm going to lunch as if we all needed to fucking know that.
So, anyway, it went out again, and it went to number one, so I think it has the... Got released twice. Yeah, got released twice, basically, yeah, and therefore is, you know, one of the few records, but at the time it became the biggest selling Australian single of all time, knocking off my old mate Slim Dusty, who would have been very big around these parts, you know, and I got to work with Slim a lot when my job at EMI.
I used to take Slim around to do his interviews and got pretty close to him and Joy, his wife, the lovely guy. Can you do a Slim? No, no, Slim was just an Aussie voice, that's all. Yeah. You know, another one of those ones where he just sounds like everyone, sounds like the bloke up the road, you know? But Slim's pub with no beer had been the highest selling Australian single of all time, and we knocked him off with Australiana, for which I had to apologise profusely to Slim. So there's a guy that made a lot of cash on pub with no beer, the guy that had done the B-side. I don't think it was Stan Costa or some other bloke. Yeah, well, Stan wrote a lot of Slim's stuff, and Shorty Ranger. Yeah. Shorty Ranger wrote a lot of Slim's stuff. I remember I had to take Slim out to This Is Your Life out at Channel 9. This was pre-Matt Munro days.
Was it Mike Willacy, I think? Mike Willacy might have been the host.
Of course, it's had more incarnations, as you know, the This Is Your Life. In fact, it's probably time to bring it back. You know how a programme, they sort of run out of old enough people? When they start doing Leighton Hewitt This Is Your Life, you know you're fucking, you know, seriously. You're getting married next week. Yeah, exactly. And the guy was fucking 28, and they're doing This Is Your Life, so they've obviously run out of people. So I think what happens is they let a few people catch up, and then they'll bring it back again. Mike Munro, who I had Bill Laurie calling Matt Munro constantly through the Bill Laurie This Is Your Life record, back in 97 or whenever it was, but they'll bring that one back soon, and why am I talking about that? Oh, yeah, because they had to take Slim out to Channel 9 for the, and Shorty Ranger was there, and Stan Koster and all the people he just mentioned, and Batuta would have been one of, you know, I'm sure it would have been one of Slim's stop-offs. Well, he sings about the Diamantina a lot. That's right.
If you had to appear on a show like that, who do you think would walk you out? Walk me out? I don't know. They never walked people out.
The guy would do the big announcements, and then, sorry, they would just remind me here, boys, they'd catch up with you at some thing, and Mike Munro or Mike Wallace would come, springing out from behind a curtain. So I'd be here, talking to you guys in Batuta or wherever, back in Sydney or fucking Brisbane, and the door would open, and there'd be a camera crew, and he'd be carrying the big book, and I'd be going, oh, what the fuck? And he'd be going, Billy Birmingham, this is your life. Oh, my God, fuck. And look, I'm sure most of the people, that might have been the odd person who knew that it was going to happen. I remember John Farnam said to him, if I ever see Mike Munro with that fucking red book, I'm going to punch his lights out. Farnam had no interest whatsoever, and he knew that he was a top contender. Once he got into his 50s, he was like, fucking, I could easily be a target here. And he said to Wheatley, he said, do you tell those fucking people, they come anywhere fucking near me, they're going to get some footage for the ages. Mike Munro.
Billy, one thing, it's funny with your career, as you said, when they repackaged. Packaged? Repackaged cricket.
Channel 9 and Packer himself were looked at people living off the back of cricket, living off the back of the great game, the gentlemen's game. And furthermore, there's this other bloke living off the back of Channel 9 who were living off cricket. So did you have any kind of interaction with Channel 9 at all?
Channel 9 have shown, I would have to call, because I've worked in the music business, because I have taken, I worked at EMI in 75, so I had to PR and promote a lot of artists, whether it was McCartney when he was touring in Australia or any artists, could have been the Hollies, Susie Quattro, anyone who's coming out to Australia and you've got to squire them around and take them to interviews. And then similarly with our local artists, the day I joined was when Little River Band launched their first album. So I had to take those guys around. ACDC I had to take down to radio studios to do interviews and stuff. And I saw how the music business and the record business worked and I saw how much promotion and publicity artists were given.
Especially with having a level of success, it was a bit hard when you were trying to flog someone that it wasn't known, but once you had an established artist, people were clamoring to have interviews with them. What I've always found is that the 12th man has been a bit of a hard, as in difficult, sell.
It didn't matter about the level of success. So Channel 9's approval and support of me was not commensurate with the level of success that I was having. It wasn't necessary. Well, it wasn't necessary.
It pissed me off, often, when it took me 30 years to be interviewed in the Channel 9 cricket telecast. Which was, was it 10 or 15 years ago, they started the cricket show, which came on in the middle of the cricket.
And I know my record companies have tried to get me onto various shows. Most of my stuff's been word of mouth, so I've never actually sort of been a publicity hound. But obviously, to get the word of mouth going, you're not going to go and make a record and then clam up. You're going to go and do a few things. So I've always been ready and willing to go and have a bit of a yarn, whether it's with bloody our current affair or bloody Dickie Wilkins on the Today show or whatever, just to get the word of mouth going, which has been my stock in trade. People talking to each other, going, ah, 12th man's got another fucking record out. You know what I mean? Next minute I'm selling well.
So Channel 9, I've been on a few things, but because I know how much support a successful act is usually getting, it always amazed me how difficult it was to get the sort of coverage on Channel 9. Why on earth they wouldn't have me on the cricket, 30 years. I mean, that's a fucking long time. They had five, six number one albums taking the piss out of their product. It was just too fucking weird. It's all very well to be having a chat with Dickie Wilkins on the bloody Today show, but why wasn't I having a chat with Slats and Warnie during the cricket show?
And when I finally did, it was just, it was fucking magic, because it was a rain delay up at the gabber and it started hailing. I was, oh, so me it's a hail. I was supposed to do one five minute bit and then it started hailing in the middle of the gabber, so they asked me to stay on.
And I just had a really great. You just gave it to them. Mate, I just gave it to them. I had a great 20 minutes, 20 minutes of just ripping the piss and having a bit of fun. And they were all, I mean, all those guys were big fans.
It wasn't like they weren't having me on. I don't know why they were so reluctant to.
I think it might have been, might have been that they thought, they all read Richie the wrong way. See, a lot of people think that Richie, you know, didn't like what I was doing. What Richie had this objection to, and it was a fine line, was that he started to become what he thought was a mouthpiece for selling records for me. And he was very commercially aware, Richie. He hated a couple of people, did some ads using a Richie Benno voice, which was, two of us were pissed off. Me for one, because they were using my material. It wasn't like they'd written a fresh script. It was all tuned for 22 and marvelous, although I was sort of ripping the 12th man off to sell Subaru motor cars or whatever. And Richie was pissed off, because I don't like people using my voice for commercial purposes. So I think that was the thing with Richie, and then it started once I'd got my level of success.
Richie couldn't go anywhere without, they'd be asking him about his career and asking him about the Channel 9 thing and all that. They wouldn't let him go without saying, Richie, you can't let him go. Billy Birmingham, the 12th man in the records, you could just hear him. You didn't have to hear it. You could see it in his face. For fuck's sake. I mean, can't I go anywhere without bloody having to talk about this prick? Even when he was fogging the autobiography, they would be asking him, Richie, before you go, Billy Birmingham's a 12th man stuff.
Look, Billy's a clever guy, I remember him saying on one interview. Billy's a clever guy, and he's obviously very popular.
People like what he does, but I don't like all of the swearing that he has in his recordings. I don't use that sort of language, nor do any of my fellow commentators.
I mean, Ian Chappell had been thrown off Channel 9 three times for swearing. He didn't realize the microphone was still on. He's going, what the fuck's going on here? And then the final one was when he said, Jesus fucking Christ. So he got everyone there, blaspheming. And Kerry had to give him a mandatory three weeks off, and front page of the paper, I apologize, I didn't know the microphone was still turned on.
But this thing of Richie, I don't use that sort of language, nor do any of my fellow commentators. And he also, the other sort of Glenn McGraw, the guy would hang the bat out to dry and it would almost take the outside edge and McGraw would be glaring at the fucking batsman and go, you fucking lucky. And Stevie Wonder could tell what he just said. And Richie would think that was very funny. Yes sir, Richie, and he'd say Glenn McGraw, just checking on the welfare of the batsman there. You know, he'd make some sort of coy comment about what was just said. And I know people who'd met him and said that on social occasions and in social settings, Richie was not averse to chucking around. But it was just sort of a little bit sanctimonious. But I remember him saying, I don't use that sort of language, nor do any of my fellow commentators.
And I took great exception to his recent record where he had my wife on it. Now that sounded like, the way he put it, was it sounded like I had actually got his wife to come and play her role in the studio. He meant to say, well he took the piss out of my wife. But it sounded like I'd got Daphne down there and he gave her a couple of cheeky shod nose and said, read this script for me, Daphne.
But I think a lot of it was Channel 9, and not- They were protecting Richie. They were protecting Richie. And they weren't, it wasn't like Richie was, he saw, he was an old bloody journalist, you know, he comes from the, he knew that the success of The 12th Man was having not a negative effect or negative impact on Channel 9's coverage or its commentary.
It was having a positive effect on you. It was having a totally positive effect.
No, but I'm sure. But he didn't begrudge me making a quid out of it. But he was also smart enough to realise that, you know, seven number one albums in a row, you know, it's having a positive knock-on effect for Channel 9's coverage, and indeed the commentators. Tony Gregg used to say, he put an extra fucking zero on my offed-in-the-speaking fee, you know. Tony lapped it up, he was a big 12th Man fan, and he said, look, as far as commercial things are concerned, I don't give a rat's ass what you do, as long as I'm in the budget. That's very South African of your tone.
I'll make sure we set aside a few crick rands for you. A couple of rands? Yeah, a couple of rands.
But Tony was a big fan and saw the commercial pluses. How is it to meet these people that you impersonate? Richie, I only met him twice. Yep. And I was glad I did, but the first time I met him was after doing the 12th Man for 16 years. And a lot of people were just blown away. Like, you know, during the 16 years from when I started in Australia, you know, after about the second or third album, people would ask in doing an interview for a new release, you know, have you met Richie Miller? And they were absolutely stunned that I hadn't. And that all comes into the whole sort of, you know, Channel 9 and how much of an at-arms length they wanted to have me. And I'd spoken to Richie, though, on the phone.
I remember in the very first record, because he thought it was a one-off. So I think he gave more than tacit approval in the early days because he thought it's a one-off. I'd better be seen as being a good sport. And but once I came out with record number two, he realized, oh, for fuck's sake, this could be a bit of a series here.
And so I rang him up, and I told him, and then I sent him the platinum record. I had a platinum record piss-up for all of the guys, and they all turned up. I mean, a lot of them, Darrell Eastlake and Jack Gibson and Chip Kelly and Mike Gibson and, you know, a lot of the guys from whom I'd extracted the piss turned up for this, you know, cheese and bickies, bees and chickies, and had out a few platinum records, and Richie couldn't make it. So I sent him the platinum record, and he rang me and said, thanks very much, and I've got to take him proud of place in the office.
I think it was as I did the second and the third album, he decided that it was just fueling the fire for the reasons I've enunciated earlier about, you know, I just get sick of him. It's almost like I'm a mouthpiece for flogging this fellow's records, you know. I don't like commercial endorsements and that sort of thing. People couldn't believe in the first 15 years, and I'd started, I was up to about album number three or four or whatever, and I hadn't met him, and they all thought that was odd.
In 1999, I did a double album compilation for the English market for the World Cup, which is being held over in the UK. And Scotland were in the World Cup for the first time. I offered them 25,000 pounds to have my name emblazoned across their jerseys because they had no sponsor and got a fabulous letter back from the Scottish Cricket Union saying no. That would have been cool.
Of course it would have. They said, oh, no, it's a new game here. We're trying to introduce it to young people, and we don't think this is the right way to do it. I thought, fucking hell, this is the perfect way to do it.
I had a lot of fans over there, bootleg fans in the UK. In fact, I think my bootleg audience in 1999 was more than the 300,000 commercial fans that I had in Australia. Well, there was 62 million people over there, and cricket was the second language. People would come out to Australia, or schoolboy cricket teams would come out, and the Aussies would introduce them to the 12th man, and they'd take it back, and there was just bootlegs everywhere. Everywhere I fucking went, people would pull out the shitty old TDK cassette with 12th man on it. One journo told me gleefully that he'd sat up one night on a double cassette player making hundreds of copies for his mates.
Oh, thanks for that. Where's my invoice book?
So I had a big bootleg following over there, but anyway, day one, jet lagged, bit nervous at the Oval for the first game. England versus South Africa at the Oval, and I'm doing my first interview, and it was the biggest interview, actually, of the whole three-week tour. Jonathan Agnew on the BBC, and I'm just sitting there next to him, right behind Alan Donald fucking steaming into Boulder, whoever it was, literally right at this beautiful old broadcast area with the sliding glass windows, and I'm right behind the Boulder's arm sitting there having a chat with Jonathan Agnew. Anyway, while I was waiting to do this interview in this little ante room, there was everyone, buddy, both of them, and Viv Richards and Jeffrey Boycott and everyone, and then all of a sudden I just said, yeah, well, that sounds good, love, yes. Okay, well, I look forward to seeing you at about seven, and I'm thinking, is that someone doing me, or is that the real Richie Benno?
I couldn't see him. He was behind a fucking pot plant. Anyway, he emerged from behind the pot plant, and I jumped in front of him thinking, because the PR guy said, oh, there he is.
He's going to go and say hello to you. I said, I never met him, you never met him? He fucking put your kids through school. You know, 16 years, you never met him.
I said, no. And so I just jumped in front of him, and I said, Richie, you can't put this off forever, mate. Billy Birmingham, here you go, and he was just, oh, Billy, what a strange place to be seeing you. And I've often told this story on TV, and I do the reenactment of it because he was kind of moonwalking away from me. The whole conversation was done on the move, and it was like, oh, Billy, what a strange place to be meeting you, and I'm not going to stop for a chat. And then he said something strange about, ah, yes, I think we were supposed to meet on a golf course sometime in the past. I had no idea what he was talking about. And I said, oh, really? Oh, shit, I'd love to have a game with you one day, Richie, I'd have to improve out of sight before I took you on from what I hear, and I still don't know what the fuck he was talking about. So I'm just sort of going along with it, but the whole time it's the moonwalk away from me. Anyway, so I met him. And therefore had a lovely anecdote for the rest of my three-week tour because everyone from Edinburgh down to London and through Leeds and Manchester and whatever all asked me, have you met Richie Benno? And I said, well, funny you shouldn't ask. Just the other day.
But thankfully I caught up with him again about a month before he died, and that was great because by then he sort of had let his guard down. He wasn't on, and he was insisting on having a photograph with me and whatever. So Richie's sort of true attitude, if you like, to the Twelfth Man was like he wasn't still part of the Channel Nine. He wasn't still captain of the commentary team from the CCP, central commentary position. And he was happy to see me, and I was happy to see him. He was very unwell. I put my arm around him for a photo, and I couldn't believe just how wasted away he was. But yeah, that was for the Meat Board, Meat and Livestock Board ad and the Lamb ad, which was he was having a barbie at his place, and everyone was invited except me. I rang him up and said, Richie, there's a bit of a do one at your place. There's this lovely pause from Richie, and he says, nope, and hangs up on me. But that was nice to be able to sort of go full circle like that to catch up with him after all those years.
From the moonwalk to the... Yeah, exactly. To a photo. Yeah, exactly.
And he's like, we're going to have a photo taken together, and it was just nice to have that sort of cherished piece of memorabilia of me and Richie literally a month, because it's a weird way to make a fucking living, and let's face it, Richie's been there. As I said earlier, he's been part of everything that I've done, and he's where I started. It was his voice that attracted me to trying to get a laugh while we're watching this new presentation of cricket, which we're all enjoying, but it was Richie's voice that I started doing, and then all my mates started doing it. I just happened to do it sort of better than anyone else in the room, and after Australiana was a success in 83... You're the ball rolling. Yeah, I sort of thought, well, fuck, I did that for Sandy. People were going, oh, what are you going to do? You know, follow it up, and by then, I mean, I was ostentatious as writer, manager, producer, driver, bumwiper. I was ready, you know, everything, and I just, you know, I wasn't cut out for doing that, so he and I sort of, you know, parted company, but people were saying, you know, are you going to try and follow it up with anything, and I thought, well, I should, because I was stoked that I had written something that was so well received by the Aussie public, and so just a bit of an epiphany driving around one day, and I thought, what about, I mean, I've been, this was 84, and I thought, well, I've been sitting around the lounge room doing Richie and Tony and Bill and all those guys' voices as we watched the cricket, and it was certainly universally popular at that stage.
I mean, everyone, you know, Channel 9's coverage was a massive ratings winner, as was their Wide World of Sports back before. Wide World of Sports was a big show then because there was no Fox Sports and whatever, where you're seeing the games live. It was all magazine-style show, went for probably five hours or something. You go to Perth and come back and the thing's still going, you know, and yeah, so I thought, well, maybe I can get something out of that, and I knew it that well. I didn't need to have tapes of the show in front of me. I went out to the same backyard where I wrote Australiana, and I sat down with the blank sheet of paper and the HB pencil, which were my tools of choice, and I could just see Richie welcoming us back after the luncheon adjournment, which is now filled by the cricket show, but back then it was episodes of Game of Pile or some fucking thing, you know, and I could just hear him say, you know, the music. Welcome back to the MCG and welcome to our Melbourne viewers for the first time today.
Marvellous day for cricket here today, and I'd always wanted to have, when I started thinking about doing, I always wanted to have commentators swearing like troopers and having it sound the most natural part of their, you know, trying not to attract any attention to it, but just make out that saying, fuck me if they didn't just disappear quicker than you could say you were gonna piss down, and it's just, I don't know, it's just something naughty schoolboy in me that wanted to have these guys all swearing like troopers and making it sound like it was just an absolutely normal part of the commentary. But you picked the format because that's what everyone else wanted to hear too. Yes, that's right. Exactly, people used to say to me, when you have Richie saying, fuck me if they didn't, it's like, you listen to it, you think that's what they'd like to be saying if they weren't on telly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's kind of where I was coming from, he's like, you know, you like having a footy commentator, oh fuck, he's dropped it, oh, you know, what an idiot. You know, that's what a commentator would like to say in the middle of a call. He has absolutely shit the bed. Oh, fuck that, that was a try for all money, you know. That's one thing we want to ask, you've given everyone a taste of Ray Warren. Oh. Would you consider that?
Deb said made him, and Ray agrees with me on this because, you know, he can't walk down the fucking street now without getting what I call the Beno treatment. Hey, Rabs, oh, crunching tackle, I'm at the everywhere I fucking go, booing him. I'm getting these people yelling out at me because, you know, that's what used to happen to Tony Greg and Tony used to tell me like, you know, he's walking with Richie in the concourse at Brisbane airport and, you know, they'd be like, marvelous effort that, and they'll blow out your horse, Tony, and they used to get all these 12th management. And Rabs started to get the same thing, and I've made him, I called him the second most impersonated man in the country, and now that Richie's left these parts, Deadset, I think, Rabs would have to be one of the most impersonated.
Do you reckon you could do a rugby league one? Well, people have said, why don't you do a rugby league one? And I say, well, it's not a national sport, you know? A lot of the success of the jobsmen came from the fact that Creek was our national game. But we got, you know, the southern states are just rabid fucking AFL, you know, left foot snap. But it's not, rugby league's not a national sport. When it comes to sitting down and making a record, so far, I've always been drawn to doing something that has a national audience rather than making a record where you know that there's a good chance that in Adelaide it's going to go down like a bucket of sick because they don't know, you know?
Yeah. Rabs I did on my records once he started doing the swimming, you might remember, the pan packs, which I always thought sounded like a feminine hygiene product. Darling, do you need some pan packs? I'm just off to the chemist. He started doing the pan packs.
Oh, Susie, I knew you were mad on butterfly. And so it gave rabs national exposure. So I then felt a bit better about doing rabs on my records.
I didn't have him doing the swimming. I had him bursting into swimming in the middle of, it was somewhere in the middle of the cricket, he dropped into a Thorpe, Hackett, Hackett and Thorpe, right in the middle of a sentence. He said, big strapping you lad, I think it was Boucher, Boucher, a big strapping young fellow, very much in the mold of Thorpe, Hackett, Hackett and Thorpe, they won't catch him.
And then just goes back to his normal commentary. But yeah, once rabs grabbed himself, a bit of a national audience through the pan packs.
You gave him a rugby league. Was that the wide world of sports one you gave him? Yeah, the wide world of sports.
I can never remember. The first time I did the state of origin was with Darryl Eastlake and Jack Gibson. So that was 87. And that's when Darryl Eastlake was, you know, oh boy, gee, you know, and everything was huge. Darryl said to me, mate, I had no idea. I said, huge, so much until he told me. See, now I can't go anywhere without people yelling at me, oh, Darryl, you're huge, fuckwit.
And so yeah, Darryl Eastlake and Jack Gibson and Mikey. The Islander names when we were, yeah. Oh yeah, well that's right.
Eventually I had rabs doing a bit of state of origin in wide world of sports too. And then on subsequent record, I had him giving the updates on the Kiwi rugby league team to Ken Sutcliffe. Ken, look, I've just had an update on some of the changes to this New Zealand side. I thought I might give you a bit of a heads up for the bulletin this afternoon.
It was a one-sided conversation. And, okay, the hooker is Varicose Vanekola.
And the props, will he tell Lou a lie? And he'll only have a lie to Lou.
And then I've basically done a new team every year. Now you've got, you know, Lentima Mawa.
Why won't he return it to me?
And rustled up some tucker. Who's the one who could have tongue twisted? Stacey Jones. Oh, fuck some of these names. They're tongue twisters. Stacey Jones.
Let him have another pie. Will he lose a kilo or two? Will he slip or a tonguey?
He don't even know her. Bentarova.
They're great though. Just in the same mold as I've had a lot of fun with the Pakistani, Indian and Sri Lankan names. Yeah. Which of course these days are Muslim names and if I was to invent the Twelfth Man now I would be hung, drawn and quartered and the records would never see the light of day. Because every fucking PC brigade, well you can't fucking do that. Thankfully when I started there were Sri Lankan cricketers' names and Pakistani cricketers' names and Indian cricketers' names. Yeah. But Cathy McKay from the Telegraph said to me a couple of years ago, do you reckon you could give birth to a Twelfth Man now? And I sort of thought about it for the first time and I thought, well what she's saying there is if you just came out and started doing all these, you know, silly names, I mean people would be going, oh that's fucking, you know.
Well of course nothing I said was ever saying anything about race, creed or culture. There was nothing any fucking anti-Muslim about it.
You're just doing Australianese, Australianese. Australianese.
But it was wordplay. It was, you know, if you've got Mahindra Armanoff and Sunil Gavaskar, cut his arm and a half and soon he'll have a scar. It was just mucking around. They happened to be the two openers for India.
Yeah, but that's what we were saying earlier with ostentatious, that particular bit, I think that's aged so well that you couldn't even be called out on anything. No, no, there was nothing in that. There was nothing in that. That's absolutely pure wordplay. Which, but like, you know, it could have been anything in that era.
Mind you, the dope section where, well Bill said he liked a smoke, no one knew where the dope was stashed. I said, I think Marina's, but I was just spinning a bit of a yarn. Oh, sorry boys, knocking the shit out. And then Alice springs into action and starts to pack Billabong. That section I had to edit out of the film clip, so we ended up having the censored version and uncensored. Right. So Countdown wouldn't play, you know, or Countdown never played it anyway, but I'm saying anyone who was gonna play the clip, and there were very few people who did, but a couple of people played the clip and they played the censored version where there was a nice edit point, thankfully, where any reference to Mary Joanna and packing Billabong and Vitali Hobart and all that sort of shit.
They kept platypus in there. They kept platypus and probably Senecock or two, yeah, and they kept that out. They kept all that in there.
Yeah. So look, it's harder to pick than a broken nose what people are gonna censor and what they're not. Yeah, it's all aged a little bit better than, you know, the likes of Rodney Rude and Kevin bloody Wilson. You know, that stuff that they did, they probably couldn't give birth. Well, a lot of people, The Telegraph did an article recently, you guys might have seen it. The Daily Telegraph in Sydney did a thing about his PC comedy, and I said, look, you're gonna have to speak to the guys who do it for a live comedy for a living.
I said, I make records, and, you know, one thing I will say is that if I was to do a Twelfth Man, if I was to launch a Twelfth Man character now, the people would take umbrage, absolutely for no reason whatsoever, but they just would, about the fun I have with the Pakistani, Indian, and Sri Lankan names, which is just pure, unadulterated wordplay, nothing else at all, nothing at all about race, creed, or culture. Never has been, never will be. Just like Malmeninga, smell my finger.
Yeah, exactly, exactly. It's just, just taking the piss. Yeah. And um, but all the other guys that were in there, there was Roddy Rude, Kevin Bloody Wilson, Ostentatious, Vince Sorenti, those guys all do live comedy for a living. Yeah.
It's unfortunate, because to a large extent, the stuff that people, the PC Brigade, are getting upset about to me is just, so there's no comedy that offends me at all. The stuff that I just find tasteless and unfunny, and that's just, you know, that's just my opinion. It's a very subjective thing, but no one's really ever going to do anything that offends me, but I am going to think that is fucking tasteless, and what's worse is it's unfunny.
But no, it's a different world now.
I reckon you'd still get away with it. Everything you've done, I reckon you'd still get away with it.
Kevin Bloody Wilson and that lot, they would struggle. Yeah, they would struggle, they would.
Some of those songs that Kevin wrote were pretty bloody out there, you know, and Rodney, but they were very popular too. They sold a lot of records, those guys. I think they're still making a bit of money too. Yeah, well Rodney gave it away for a while and then came back out and did another tour.
Sam Pang was saying, a comedian was saying, who's a guy in Sydney, grew up watching him. He said, I have to go see it, just for that moment in my life. He went there and he said, Rodney ends the show, wheels out the merch trolley, sits there inside there and he looks up. His brother-in-law was saying, this is Sam, been a lifelong fan, you're a legend, he needs to get an autograph. And he wrote, dear Sam, fucking bum me.
He goes, the man's a genius. That is so funny. Oh man, listen, Rodney is, I know. Rodney used to, his wife used to make the cock hats for him. He'd come out with a hat with big balls and cock. And Pat, yeah, Patty's wife, we were there.
Like when Rodney, he launched the comedy store and Ostentatious did the bloody audition back in 80. Vince Soretti was a waiter and he wanted to be a comedian and occasionally Rodney would let him take off the open and jump up and Vince used to do stuff mainly based on TV ads, taking the piss out of K-Tel stuff and whatever. But that's what, very early days, when the Jamison Street Comedy Store, to me it was the birth of stand-up comedy because Melbourne, which was comedy capital of Australia, was all theatre, theatre review, university review type humour. But the actual hardcore man and microphone.
They weren't doing it ourselves. No one was doing that.
Stand-up comedy was a bloke doing a prawn morning at the Illawarra Workers Club or something, you know. But to the bulk of Australia, the comedy strip, comedy store, Robin Williams and all those guys, we didn't have that and that's what Rodney brought to the Jamison Street Comedy Store was, you know, legitimate. You know, funny thing happened on the way to the man and microphone, stream of consciousness and a lot of the Melbourne guys who wanted to do that started coming up to Sydney to have a crack. And then that's when, as I said, Ostentatious did an audition and he became a regular down at the comedy store. But yeah, I haven't been to a comedy room for ages. Have you guys been? Have they got a Batuta Comedy Store? We did have one, but it burnt down.
Oh, right. It was over insured, so we... Yeah. I understand. Irish Stock Day. Just before we wrap up, tell us the budget. Tell us the studio. Tell us how you recorded that first album. Yeah, well, I'm interested in it here because Batuta have just refitted, I suppose you'd call it. Koala Server Studios, if you will. Right, is that what it is? Yeah. There's a bit of simpatico there because Koala being a mattress supplier, what you guys have done here is a little bit more art market than I'm used to. Right.
The 12th Man's Records have always been made in what I call a homemade studio. And I mean by homemade, I mean three mattresses jammed up into the corner of a room. That gives me the sort of soundproofing, the booth. Throw a Doona over the top to give it a ceiling. And lifting up the Doona cover and hopping inside it is going into the studio. And every single one of my records has been made in that sort of cottage industry, low budget fashion.
Light in there? Yes, I'd run a bed lamp in between the few mattresses. I'd have like a bedside lamp. The scripts were gaffer taped to the mattress in front of me so that I could read the script when I was recording. So it was as homemade as you can possibly get.
Low input, large. Yeah, very low.
The John Wilkes booth, I used to call it, whenever I'd make it. The John Wilkes booth.
And served me very well, boys, because everything that I was doing was just voice recording. And I mean, I used to love doing all the foley work, as they call it, which is the sound effect stuff.
Like when I had Mr. and Mrs. Benno rooting, I was lying on the floor. I had three mattresses, sorry, three microphones aiming down at me. And I'm lying on the floor with a Doona over me.
And I've got the headphones on. So I'm listening to Richie going, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. And so I had the eight-second root. And what I had to do was to fluff the Doona in time with the thrust, if you like. And I always loved doing that stuff, or the poker game that Kerry Packer was having. And I had all the chips and stuff. So that's all done with Froggy, my engineer, playing back the audio to me. And I would have to throw the poker chips in, or ruffle the Doona, or Richie having the longest piss in the history of the world while he's talking to his wife. Ah, I've got a long day ahead of me. And you hear him off, a bit of reverb, so he's in the next room, and the piss just went for two and a half minutes.
And I love doing all that. That's one of my favorite things, usually because it means I've done my bit. I finish my script, and I finish my... You're on the home stretch. I'm on the home stretch, and all I have to do is just, you know, make it come to life with crowds, and bat-hitting ball, and poker chips, or having a piss, or having a root, as it might.
Well, just before we say goodbye, Billy, it's been 12 years since Boned was released. Has it? Yeah, shit, you're right, 2006. So is there any plans for the future?
The only thing I can say to you and all the people in the diamond tina, and in fact all around Australia, because I know the show has very much a national flavor, national audience, national appeal. All I can say to people out there is never say never, and especially now that the cricket has found a new home, or indeed semi-detached home.
On one side is Channel 7, and on the other side of the semi is Fox Sports. So what do we know about Fox? We know that it's Gilly, whose voice is about as interesting as a broken arm, and Mark Waugh, who's similarly exciting. And then on the other side, who have Channel 7 announced?
We've got... Slater and Ponting. And Damian Fleming. There you go.
They are three of the most nondescript voices, so I don't want to get people's, I don't want to get 12-man fans' hopes built up. But I suppose what I can do is give Channel 7 a go, give them a go, give Fox Sports a go, and if there are any voices or comedy idiosyncrasies that are worth extracting the odd liter of piss, then I might have a crack at doing one. But I don't think so.
I think I have had such a great run with the 12-man. I have had a fan base like no other artist has. Because I don't peer live, because I've never done film clips and whatever, the organic affection that people have had for the 12-man, a lot of people have literally, and they tell me this, grown up with me. And I always say to them, I think you mean not grown up with me. Yeah, I know what you mean. You know, the schoolboy hammer is alive and well. But a lot of people, you know, they were in their late teens when I started in 84, and they're now middle-aged, got a couple of kids, and the 12-man has been a part of their life. Every time I did a record, they'd go and buy one. People have come up to me, honestly, with tears in their eyes saying, the only connection I had with my father and grandfather was listening to your records down the back shed on Christmas Day. Apart from that, we didn't fucking talk all year. But we would disappear from the women folk and the kiddies and go down the back shed and listen to 12-man records. And honestly, I've had people tearing up. So I always describe it as a very organic affection that people have had. And that's been, you know, having worked in the entertainment business and seeing that sort of reaction from people, it's a nice thing and the most enjoyable thing about the whole 12-man story, really.
Well, never say never. Never say never. No, never say never, but don't hold your breath.
Thanks for joining us, Billy. Thanks very much.
And what do we call ourselves, Desert? Desert Rock FM. Desert Rock FM, like Richie Benno here.
And even now, I'm dead. We'll come back here to Desert Rock FM in just a few moments. And that was the late Richie Benno from heaven. Richie, if you're listening, hope you're comfortable. How was that? Until next week, I guess.
You know, I hope all of you enjoyed listening to us laugh for... Giggle. Giggle like school children. ...for about an hour or two.
But until next week, my name is Errol Parker. Never talk to the police without a lawyer and stay out of the pokies. I'm Clancy Overall. You be kind to each other. |
TheOnion | RNC_Speech_Students_Should_Stop_Taking_Handouts_And_Find_Their_Diplomas_In_A_Lake_Like_I_Did | Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
The most entitled generation in our nation's history is being seduced by liberals like Hillary Clinton, who think college should be pretty much free. Well, not free. They want us to pay for it.
Maybe they should hear more stories like mine, because I got my education handout free by finding four diplomas in a lake. Today, I'm Jennifer Lehman, B-A-M-S-M-D-M-D. But 15 years ago, I was just Jenny, a high school student in Blue Hill, Nebraska, population next to nothing. One day after school, I walked home by a little lake not far from our house when I saw something bunched up against some reeds, a bachelor's degree from Georgetown University. I looked up, and bobbing nearby were three advanced degrees, a master's, and two medical doctorates. So what do you think I did?
Wait for a taxpayer-funded boat to skim them off the surface for me? Hope some government-appointed lifeguard swam out to fetch them? No. I rolled up my sleeves, waded out till the water was at my waist, and grabbed them all.
So many young people today act like putting the work in is beneath them. Oh no, please don't take away my precious video game time. You know what I was doing when I was 18? Using my dried-off mud cake degrees to start up a functioning and successful medical practice. Every surgery I figure out, every prescription drug I devise, every baby I unscrew from its mother, I think about how it never would have happened had I not had the gumption to fish those diplomas from that lake. So the next time some screaming liberal tries to tell you the value of sending every numbskull to college, tell them to stop talking and start walking down by the lake. Thank you, America, and may God continue to bless these United States. |
TheOnion | Slamming_Boss_Against_Wall_Shouting_I_Need_More_Cash_Still_Leading_Tactic_For_Securing_Raise | calling it the most effective means to reaching one's full earning potential. A new report issued by the Employee Benefit Research Institute this week found that violently slamming one's supervisor against a wall and shouting, cash I need more cash, is still the leading tactic for securing a raise amongst American workers. We found that employees have the most success negotiating their salaries when they stride confidently into their supervisor's office, manhandle them like a ragdoll, and demand more goddamn money right fucking now. Experts confirmed that the majority of employees who managed to increase their salaries maintain direct eye contact with their supervisors while reiterating that they were not fucking around, emphasizing their position with phrases such as, give me the money now, and I said more cash old man. The Onion sat down with local sales associate Kevin Simmons who recently applied these methods in negotiating a competitive bump in his annual salary.
I want more money and I need my boss to give it to me. So the other day I walked right into his office, grabbed his throat with my hand and told him straight up, start paying me more fucking money today. And I grabbed a hundred bucks out of his wallet and told him that was a good start. I'm happy to reward motivated, self-starting employees who really show they're dedicated to rising in this company. So if you have initiative and you communicate your goals in a straightforward way, I'm here to help you, starting right now, really. Now, and I said more cash old man, The Onion sat down with local sales associate Kevin Simmons who recently applied these methods in negotiating a competitive bump in his annual salary. I want more money and I need my boss to give it to me. So the other day I walked right into his office, grabbed his throat with my hand and told him straight up, start paying me more fucking money today. And I grabbed a hundred bucks out of his wallet and told him that was a good start.
I'm happy to reward motivated, self-starting employees who really show they're dedicated to rising in this company. So if you have initiative and you communicate your goals in a straightforward way, I'm here to help you, starting right now, really. |
dropout | i_wish_my_dad_was_will_smith_whip_my_hair_parody | I wish my dad was Will Smith So pissed that my dad did me so wrong Paid no attention to my wishes, he couldn't pull it off I wanna sing a hip-hop song I'm stuck with this sweater I need to be the kid of a really famous actor So Will Smith, yeah Can you pull up Ranjalina, take a side trip right to my house And adopt me now, adopt me now, adopt me now Sign right here and settle for a tax attorney Meet a dad who is in MIB Or like the fresh Prince of Bel-Air My dad's four and I feel like trading up Dice in the mirror I wish my dad was Will Smith I wish my dad was Will Smith I wish my dad was Will Smith I wish my dad was Will Smith No more trips to school in a busted car With Will, I'd ride on a real live Tyrannosaurus Screw school when your paw is the last movie star Next fall you'll see me being hit too I see my dad, ew, yuck, fat bald Couldn't do a pull-up to save the whole world Will save the whole world The whole world He saved the whole world Mom says dad's a good provider Could he fight a giant spider Or turn me into a pop star Just by singing a song about my hair That's really hard Will I really need you, do it, do it You can't leave me here I want a private airport Instead I have a minivan Sure I could be rich and famous Maybe, maybe But without you that sounds like real work Do it, do it, be my dad My dad, my dad I wish my dad was Will Smith |
dropout | A_Deadly_Dinner_Party_Kingpin_Katie | Katie. Welcome to my home. I'm sorry boys, but we'll have to put our p-knuckle game on hold. Come on in. Why did we even start the game? We knew Katie was coming over.
Might I remind you that it's rude to talk behind people's backs? Oh yeah, that was all died. I didn't even say a word.
Katie, please, come on in. You have a lovely home, Screamin' Eddie. I said like two words. Here's some biscuits. Thank you. These will go great with dinner. We're having mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, turkey meatloaf, and cherry pie for dessert. I hope you're hungry. Sounds delicious. Say, why don't you help me finish up in the kitchen?
Yeah, definitely. Right this way. So Katie, as Joey mentioned, we're all so pleased with your success. You've quickly become my bestseller. Hell yeah she is! Yes! Wow, well that means a lot coming from you. I mean, it's amazing that you've been able to do that all by yourself.
I've got a really big one, actually. Katie, it's his knife! Oh, I should have put something in her ear.
My cherry pie recipe. It's a family secret. It smells really good in here. You do like pie, don't you? It's not my favorite. More of a cookie girl, but I'll eat it if it's there. Do you know what the most important part about making a cherry pie is? The cherries.
Following. I mean, you have to follow it to a T, otherwise the pie won't come out, right? Yeah.
Now some people, they think they don't have to follow the recipe. They'll have their own ingredients. Ingredients that simply don't belong in the pie. Now we've spent a long time perfecting this pie recipe and we simply cannot tolerate outside ingredients.
Do you understand that? Oh man, this guy really loves pie. I get it. Yeah, I get it.
If I found out that my pie contained outside ingredients, do you know what I would do? I would throw it into the dumpster and that would be the end. Yes. I mean, I'm playing no extra ingredients on me.
Bathroom. Where is your bathroom? I have to pee. Straight through the dining room. I like playing fish.
What is she doing? She think we're gonna shoot her? Waterboarding her. Give this to her. Cheryl, are you trying to get me killed?
Oh my god. She's alive. Yes. Holy. Oh.
I see a camera on my phone. I guess it's normal.
Yeah, one sec. No, no, no, no, no, no. I need to return those to work. I can't. Oh.
Katie, don't. I didn't give her an earpiece.
God. That was my biggest mistake. Did I surprise you? A little bit, yeah. My apologies.
Let's get going. After you. No, you first. I don't know the way. I'd prefer to follow you. I insist. You know, let's go at the same time. Fine. Let's go together. Could you just look at me a little more spaces? Just go. Okay, come on. Work with me here.
I go. You go. I go.
Thanks for watching that preview of Kingpin Katie. If you liked it, guess the frick what? There's full episodes you can watch right now on Dropout. They're action-packed and super funny and I'm saying that and I typically don't like anything I'm in. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today and sorry about cursing before with the whole frick thing.
That was inappropriate. Shouldn't have done that.
It's just interesting that I got a different type of wine than everybody else. Just one little sip. |
cracked | logo_design_only_as_important_as_your_company_is_pointless | Yeah, I didn't do it. I chose not to do it. Well, that's not really an answer.
Me! I got it! I can go all the time.
Chris, in any organization, a mutual respect, if there's one thing I learned from my time at Friendstone, it's that what I was asking for, and I'm quoting the email here, were thoughtful, fresh, synergistic ideas to craft a new web paradigm. We could sell the shoes online on the web, like it's right on there. What's your idea? I have management. You know, the whole company is my idea. The whole think tank. I'm the idea outside the idea. That's my idea. Thank you very much. The shoes could have graphics on them.
You know what? Try again, Buster Brown. We'll come back to you. Sam, what have you got? Huh?
Sam Mo. He'd get, like, all twisty, and then spell the company name, or whatever. So what you've got there is more of a logo. The name could be, like, club foot. Like what your feet wear to the club. And, you know, the deformity. Sam, Sam, Sam.
Don't listen to Walter. What about Google? What?
I like their logo. We should use that one. That's an inappropriate answer for so many reasons that I'm not going to go into it right now. Like, can you put, like, an accent at the end and make it Googley? What if we used the Unicorn logo, but the rainbows spell Google, and we sold shoes with graphics on them?
Then everyone's happy. No. Then everyone's sued. Not if you switched it around.
You spell it G-O-G-L-O-E. Then it's an anagram. It's okay. Is it anagram? A slogan? No! It can be. Googley is neither an anagram nor a logo nor a slogan, none of which are what we're brainstorming right now. An anagram is... Gel goo. I'm not going to explain what an anagram is to ya.
Okay, you got a word. Let's see, you got a word.
Man, we should sell cream for your legs. Graphics on them. |
SaturdayNightLive | manningcast_cold_open_snl | Hey everybody, I'm Peyton Manning. And I'm Eli Manning. his brother. Yeah, I think they know we're brothers because of the same last name. Oh yeah. Now this is our Manning cast where we do live analysis of what's already playing on Tv. normally we do it during Monday Night Football. yeah, but tonight's not Monday. it's Saturday. Great insight, Eli.
Yeah, so instead of football, we decided to check out the season premiere of Snl. there are a lot of changes at the show, which could be exciting. let's see what they spent the entire summer coming up with. Okay, we got an establishing shot of Mar-a-lago. Oh good, Trump sketch, way to mix it up.
Mr. President, as your lawyer, I don't think we should be hiding during a hurricane. actually, it's the safest place I've been in two years. there's no lawyers, no Fbi, I'm in my happy place. Okay, I'm back. a few guests wanted to say hello, Mr. President. please, call me current President. Why are guests visiting during a hurricane?
Alright, now it looks like we got a rookie leading a senior cast member into the room. probably going to run a simple right this way, Ma'am. right this way, Ma'am. telegraph it. and he doesn't close the door behind him. now he's trying to fix it. the new guy's fully panicking, he's just staring in the camera. And you know what, that might be the only time we see him tonight. let's see what Heidi's got, she's never let me down. Sir, the Governor of South Dakota is here. Hello, I'm Governor Kristi Noem, and I want to take your abortion rights. And she let me down. Okay, time out. What the hell was that? The Governor of South Dakota.
I also want to say happy Early Columbus Day, Sir. Oh, we love Columbus, don't we? Sailed right up the edge of the road, but landed in Haiti and got to work.
I got to point out, where's the balance politically? they're making Trump Columbus jokes, meanwhile Joe Biden's lost his damn marbles. they're not even going to mention that. Hold that thought, Don Jr's coming in. Dad, I hate to cut the party short, but we should really get out of here. the President of China can only hold so many nuclear secrets. Let's just say I'm happier than when the Queen's corgis found out they weren't going with Prince Andrew. Okay, okay, that confused me. And did Bowen say corgi? does he not know it's pronounced Corgi? Yeah, it's a surprising fumble from the veteran yang. he was supposed to take a step up this year, but you can tell the pressure is getting to him. meanwhile, it looks like Sarah Sherman is just peeking in the window trying to watch the sketch. And now she's realized she's caught and tries to make a smooth exit. Wow, I mean, they're all professionals, but so are the New York Jets. the show's in a rebuilding year for sure. let's take a look at the stats so far. 14 attempted jokes this episode, only one mild laugh and three chuckles. yeah, and you know, Peyton, I heard they stay up till 5 a.m. writing this show. when do they start writing the show? 4.30? Thank God they've got Kendrick Lamar, because that's the only reason anyone is tuning in. Alright, let's check back in on their little skit. No, President Xi, you're not helping out Vladimir Putin, are you?
Because as Brandy told Monica, the boy is mine. hey, it is what it is. Am I right? it is what it is. wait, wait, wait. Is he trying to make that a catchphrase? It is what it is. Oh god, look, he's saying it's a camera now. it is what it is. desperate stuff. Anyway, joining us now is the three-time host of Snl, during what now seems like a Golden era, Jon Hamm. what have you seen so far tonight? I don't know, but it's not comedy.
I mean, they haven't even used Kenan yet. that's like putting a whole team of Eli's on the field, and you've got Peyton sitting on the sidelines. No offense, Eli. No, no, I agree.
And what about the new cast? anyone you're excited about? Well, I've been scouting Devin Walker at local bar shows for years, and I think the kids really got something. Well, here comes his chance. Sir, the corn kid is here to see you. corn kid? Devin Walker's first appearance on national Tv, and they got him doing corn kid? pity you. Yeah, well, it could be worse. it looks like they got Molly and Marcelo doing the gritty. Wow. just a humiliating attempt at relevance. you know, I don't know. maybe this is strategic, like when a sports team tanks to get a better draft pick next year. And, sir, the special master from the Classified Documents investigation, is here. he finished reviewing your documents. I'm excited. they're all awesome.
Sean White, that is just gratuitous stunt casting. Yeah. yeah, well, you know, sometimes they need to bring in a real celebrity when the host isn't that famous. right. I mean, when they couldn't get the star of the Big Summer movie or Tom Cruise or your Jon Hamm, they had to get the co-star. Well, I heard they rarely put the host in cold open, so when they do, it is special. special or is it desperate?
All right, that's for stopping by, Jon. I know Jon's got to get out of here. Oh, no, no, no. I'm going to stick around and see what the hell this show's going to be. it is Live for me! Thank you. |
cracked | mc_will_the_shakespeare_rap_youtube_extra | Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come praising language, the word perseveres, bury thy fears, our salvation draws near. Bardric bad-ass Billy D. Shakespeare has mastered with haste, iambic pentameter, such that the chastest examiner, an amarete, must become, like on spring, that has sprung, should they perchance, glance, askance, at a three-layer pun, spun by that lord of linguistic contortion, shines his light freely, thou ungreedy horse, and yet greedy he was, when his tongue was apportioned, such silver, his mouth now amounts to a fortune. If rhythm be the root of rap, play on. I'll stay on that root like Stratford upon Avon, enraptured by verse that can bless or concurse, cast the best as the worst, and napalm upon Aecon. My man with the cape here takes the cake, dear. Y'all know his name, it's William motherfucking Shakespeare. Put your hands in the air like your cares are nil, then put them together for MC Will. I'll take on all challenges to his identity, such shallow and callous, such a double indemnity, a pox on my palace, plague upon my serenity. O enmitous entity, thou art mine enemy, yet pretty on bended knee, wilt thou befriended be, thy injuries healed in the shining light of civility? As Logan the Adam, and snicked battling villainy, think only this, and all wilt be remedied, whoever it was, the age of crowning king, didst pause to posit that the play's the thing, and if what counts is truly just the thought, start counting now.
This hide's not easily sought, nor is it cheaply bought. His lines were designed and conceived to be deeply fraught, wreathed with a series of uniquely wrought ravines, contusions that may cause you confusion, but keep the plot, and soon enough, you'll reap a bountiful crop. Earn your spot on the court of the grand order of hip-hop, when thou ponder'st all thou could'st be or could'st not.
Pray you ain't groom of the stool, cause his shit is hot, with a wit like a rapier. He'll make your pate cheer. Y'all know his name. It's William motherfucking Shakespeare.
Spread your hands wide if you're feeling smart, and if you're struggling mid-summer night's dreams, an accessible start in closing. May I restate my thesis?
If Will walked the streets today, he'd rip this hip-hop game to pieces. He's as similar to me as my genes are to a Reese's. Oh, what brave new words of his my brain's caught in its creases. He could spit into a mic tonight, expect to rate a 10. Reciting rhymes, the likes of which would make the choir cry, amen! Like modern kith and kin, he wasn't satisfied with skin. Used wordplay to worm his way to the truth it lurks within, though he mostly composed in the vernacular. Like hot, hot heat, heat anac for inventing words so spectacular that they broke grammatical chattelry and hove perpendicular to Twitter tags of his time that were trending when he wasn't getting busy with the feminine ending. So if there's Facebook in heaven, once I'm dead and ascending, there's at least one MC I know I'll be friending.
No, not in the Shakespearean sense. I hear you're in for a pound if you go in for a pence. And though evidence suggests he may have sat on the fence post for my own part, I've found that country fashion can sense.
So I just might fake queer, hold his face near, whisper in his gay ear. I love you, Bill Shakespeare. Put your hands apart if I made you feel weird, then contract them and clap for the bald bard with the beard.
Tibber-o! Roll sound, action. Hello, everyone. It is I, Tibber-o, king of the fairies, asking you to subscribe to the Cracked channel.
Seriously, you guys, it's Mike. They're gonna make me keep doing this character. If you don't subscribe, please help me out. Oh my God, I'm sorry. Okay, seriously though, rate and subscribe, okay? That, no, I'm doing it. I'm, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
We all know his name, it's William motherfucking Shakespeare. |
dropout | Welcome_To_Dropout_tv | What's dropout.tv?
I've never heard of it. Not a lot of people have.
Oh, hello, over here! Yes! We really want it! So, this...
I believe in you. That's me! You're welcome! I have anxiety!
This is a game show. But it's not about the points.
Oh, hey! Count it off, twins! Ooh! Ha ha ha ha! Ow!
You didn't say I'm actually that bad. I'm actually that bad!
I can't believe people pay, what, $5 a month for this?
That's correct. Yes!
Give it up for dropout.tv. Dropout.tv.
So cheap, I don't even see it on my credit card.
Oh, I know this. It's almost like that's my design. |
dropout | katie_gets_busted | Hi, Postmates. I'd like a Chicago-style pizza.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I confess.
Save it for the judge. Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. What is in this? It's Alaskan Fury.
It's cocaine and over-the-counter painkillers. I'm sorry, but I thought that cops only tasted drugs like that on TV. Don't you have some sort of drug-testing kit? I think it's cocaine. It's definitely cocaine. Painkillers, right?
But there's something else. There's something else. I just can't put my finger on it. I mean, they might have cut it with other stuff.
Shut up, Herb! Stapnitzky!
You picking up anything? I got nothing. Maybe friends that still have better luck?
Preliminary testo that it tastes great on brownies, so I'm thinking that it's an opioid. But there's also a nice acidity to it. It makes for a good marinade, makes me feel like it's an amphetamine. Yeah, definitely. It feels like you're just doing drugs at this. Oh, my God! A blind taste test?
Brown sugar? Brown sugar is brown.
It's in the name. Hey, guys, maybe we don't even need the blindfolds. I mean, come on. Let's get down to business here. Take me into custody. I'm ready. I need to get clean and start my life over, and what is happening? Guys, guys, guys, it's Californian cocaine, not Colombian. This is totally legal. All right, everybody out. I need to be punished. Put in rehab at least. Why are you letting me go? What the fuck are you looking at, Rob? |
SaturdayNightLive | sabrina_carpenter_espresso_live_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Sabrina Carpenter. ["i can't relate to desperation"] ["i can't relate to desperation"] ["i can't relate to desperation"] ["i can't relate to desperation"] ["i can't relate to desperation"] ["i can't relate to desperation"] ["i can't relate to desperation"] Back down my finger, my twisted humor making life so often, my honey bee. Come and get this pollen, too bad your ex don't do it for you walking and drinking, true to for you soft skin and not perfume there. but I know I'm not going to do it for you that morning. Coffee, brutal for you won't touch, you're not brand new now. he's looking at me with my own. Is it that sweet like a soul? So you can sleep with me, I know. Is that me, it's my soul? put it up, down, left, right, Oh touch your enlightenment and go so you can sleep with me, I know. Is that me, it's my soul? Is it that me, it's my soul? Touch your enlightenment and go so you can sleep with me, I know. Is that me, it's my soul? is it that sweet like a soul? So you can sleep with me, I know. Is that me, it's my soul? |
dropout | magic_8_ball_murders_w_eli_roth_kyle_maclachlan | When I die, I kind of want to put my remains in a box, just like on display, like in the lobby of a movie theater. Hey, that's super morbid.
Hey everyone, and welcome to my slumber party where I invite guests over to play fun sleepover games. And, as you know, you only invite your best friends to your sleepover. So that's why I have my best friends here.
Connor McLaughlin and Eli Roth. Yay! Thank you, nice to meet you. Best friends, we'll go way back and we could list countless experiences together.
So let's get started with some fun slumber party games, all right? We're going to start with Magic 8-Ball. I'm terrified of Magic 8-Ball.
Really? Yeah, because I actually got one that really killed people, but you couldn't control who it would kill off. So you'd think you're going to get the bully, but then it's a teacher, and then it's this really nice little grocery, and then it's like your friend's sister. It's just like the whole thing was a mess. That stinks, that really stinks. I'm sorry, that happened to you.
Magic 8-Ball, will he text feedback? And we all know who he is. Yeah, obviously, from our previous sleepovers. The guy who calls her on the hamburger for her friend, she got from a Diablo Cody sleepover.
It's a negative, don't count on it. OK, you know what, I'm independent, I'm not counting on you. Wasn't that to be?
Do you want me to wish for him to die? Just tell me. You know, by the end, I'm going to, I might.
See, we already have one candidate. We have one candidate to die. That's one. We get three. Here we go.
Should I get a turning over a New Leaf haircut? You know, the kind the protagonist gets in movies when she's changing things up for good. So should Kyle get this turning over a New Leaf haircut? I've been thinking about bringing the mullet back, but I don't know.
I know if we could. Well, we'll know in a minute. Signs point to yes. I knew it. You have to look in the mirror and very dramatically give yourself a haircut. Oh, God, please, will I come back as a zombie when I die? Oh, God, I want to know. It is certain. Congrats.
When I die, I mean, it depends what's left of me. I kind of want to put my remains in a box, just on display in the lobby of a movie theater. And then you can put in a quarter, and you push the button and it opens, but we'll put bugs in it and bacteria, and you can watch me and be like, my last horror movie that just goes for years and years and years. That's super morbid.
I'm going to be acting out movies, TV shows you've been in, you've worked on, you've directed, and you guys have to guess what I'm trying to act out. And this is brilliant acting that you're going to be seeing, so try to keep up with that.
Seven. Seven letters. The house, the clock, and a 12. Boom. I generally make one-word movies, so that one was not. That was good, seven for a year or so. Four words. Four words, okay.
Kyle's movie, Sex and the City. Eli, what's going on here? Did you read all those? You're on fire. Did you read all those?
No, I just saw her, I saw her smiling, just go like, that's a two-shoot. And I knew in her head, she was going, dint, dint, dint, dint, dint, dint, dint. I didn't give you blue velvet, that. Two words. Oh.
Twin Peaks. Twin Peaks, yeah.
That was good. If we're not keeping score, but if we were, we're not keeping score. You are killing it. You're crushing, you're crushing. You know more about Kyle's career. There we go. Two words. One of my movies. I know that one.
She looks sick, Kyle. She just took her temperature, she might have a fever. If she was inside. If she was inside a cabin, then it might have been my cabin.
Boo, boo, boo, great job, guys.
This could be a mountain and a cabin. This is a peak and a cabin.
This could be universal. Well, guys, let's move on to our third game here. All right.
There was once a woman with hooks for hands. She lost her hands in a tragic boating accident. There were rumors of a monster in the lake, but she didn't know for sure until the monster popped out of the lake. The monster said, eat your own hands, eat your own hands right now, dammit. The hands had other ideas and slowly clawed their way, not out through her mouth, but out the other side, thereby prolapsing part of her and turning half of her inside out. So she was a two-hooked woman who was pulled inside out through her butt by her own hands.
Which is the title. Of the movie. The title of the movie.
She then heard a knock at her door. She couldn't answer it, but she couldn't see where the door was because her anus was on the outside of her body and her eyes were on the inside of her body. And she had no hands. Good thing the person knocking at the door wasn't a person.
It was a giant fish. But with the hooks for hands, she was able to successfully catch the fish on her hand. The question was now how to eat it. So she swallowed the fish through, I guess, the whole of her inside out mouth. She digested the fish on the outside of her body.
Oh yes, perfect. Which was truly phenomenal.
She didn't realize the fish was rotted and she started to have food poisoning. In one explosive moment, she exploded. In vomit and diarrhea so forceful, it turned her back inside the correct way. And they say, if you say this woman's name, which was Sarah, into a mirror three times, you two turn inside out via your anus.
The end. Wow, it's a beautiful story. It's so hard.
Is that generally your process, Eli, for scary stories? Yeah, I usually put a flashlight upside down. I invite Kyle over. And then a person, we have sleepovers with a lot and we just start spitballing.
You know, the thing is, the film's got a real hook. Yeah, two hooks. It has two hooks, two hooks and an anus.
Yeah. I gotta get to bed. It is late, so. All right. Have a great night. Thank you so much for coming. You guys can sleep. You guys can hang around. This is the outro for the show. Okay, okay. Good night. Sweet dreams. Thank you. We'll be here eating the cookies. Oh. I held cans. Good night.
Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
SaturdayNightLive | biden_panda_cold_open_snl | We now go live to President Joe Biden's press conference after his long-awaited meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping. Happy Thanksgiving. it's me, your old boy, Joe. Now, let's get started to keep things on the rails. I'm gonna read from the teleprompter. All right, great meeting with President Roman Numeral 11. excuse me, President Xi. This meeting was a total win. Sure, we made agreements about communications, Fentanyl, climate change, But most importantly, we got the thing America really needs right now. more pandas.
Whoo! All right. Now, I'd like to open up to questions. First up, Wall Street Journal. Thank you, Mr. President. China relations broke off this past year, partly because you called President Xi a dictator? Yeah, that's right. But your summit last week saw remarkable strides in mending that relationship. would you like to completely undo your accomplishment by calling him a dictator again? I would. All right. next question. La Times. Thank you, Mr. President, and congratulations on your historic and productive summit. I have a question. you're old. Okay, all right. not sure how that's a question, but, I mean, man, why can't we talk about things that are going well, like the economy? We outpaced China for the first time in 40 years for how I created the most jobs since Fdr. All right? go ahead. Washington Post. ask away. Mr. President, I'd like to ask you about the handling of the border crisis.
Oh, good. Yay. All right. the border.
All right, I got to get you something. let me take the elevator real quick. just one second. Sorry. Mr. President, don't do a fake elevator to get out of here. All right. let me just take it back up. All right. a little bounce.
All right. move away from that topic by welcoming out a very important Chinese dignitary. help shed light on what happened this week. Please welcome Tian Tian. All right. go with me, Tian Tian. Tian. Hi, Tian Tian.
Glad you're here. I know we're all excited to hear from a giant Panda. Oh, that's so sweet. thank you. But no need to say giant. I think I'm really more slim thick. Truly, I'm honored to be here, But am I the only one who was surprised that the presidents of the two biggest economies in the world met and everyone's just like, what's up with the pandas? I mean, like, I get it.
I'm hot. I'm smart. I'm alluringly asexual.
But there have to be bigger issues, right? Not tonight. All right. Next question. How about Axios?
President Biden, Trump's team, has announced that they will replace all federal workers with Trump loyalists.
My question is, Panda, did you like America? Honestly, I loved it. there's so much I'm gonna miss. legal weed.
Anyway, going back to China, it's gonna be a big change. I mean, I don't know anyone in China. I haven't been back since I was a baby. and now I have to make friends as an adult?
Ugh. I mean, how do I, Panda, express this? I just want to eat bamboo, sneeze in a cute way, and not have sex, Okay? excuse me, Panda. that's right. you refused to mate in the zoo. why don't you like sex? have you had it? It's crazy. Next question.
All right. And they all don't have to be for the Panda. let's get one for me. Sure. let's talk about your Middle East policy. you know what? I think people are liking the panda, right? All right. next question. she described you pandas as envoys of friendship. how do you feel about that? Uh, ha. sorry. bear with me. being cute. But as the rare person who identifies as black, white, and Chinese, I feel like I'm in the unique position to unite many peoples of the world. I'm just like another hot, Blasian icon, Tiger Woods. except for, again, I hate sex. Yes, you, sir. hey. Thought I picked a reporter. Yeah, but the Panda already chose me.
How do you feel about returning to China? Oh, honestly, I think the timing is right. I just, I have to leave the country now, you know? if Trump gets elected in 2024, that would be a disaster. he said he'll round up immigrants and put them in camps. democracy might end. there might be a civil war. So you will vote for Biden? mm, baby.
What the hell? Hey, man. I'm kidding. I'm a bear. I can't vote. All right. Look, I'm glad we did this, Panda. you and I really aren't so different. we're dads. we're cute. people love sharing videos of us falling down.
Anything else you want to say before your 19-hour coach flight back to China? yeah, live from New York, it's. |
dropout | the_tron_lebowski | Deep down inside a computer, there was a problem I want to tell you about. Sometimes there's a program, I won't say a hero because what's a hero, but sometimes there's a program for his time and place. Are you a user?
Yeah, I've been known to partake, man. Master control knows you're Flynn. I'm not Flynn, I'm the dude, man. I'm talking about the dudes. Aw, come on!
Motherboard really tied the room together, man. What motherboard do you do?
Donny, you're out of your element. You're like a piece of data wandering into a complex operating system. He might have been a lazy program. Heck, one of the laziest. You don't go out looking for a job like that, are we, Dave?
I don't download upgrades. I don't transmit data. And I sure as shit don't dispatch them!
I found my mind. Users, dude. I'm mixed up in some pretty stupefying goings-on. This is what happens, Larry! This is what happens when you fuck a program in the ass! Yes, sir. The dude abides.
So long, Donny. Commit your identity disk back to the bosom of the system. |
CrackerMilk | dad_s_dying_wish | He's only got moments left. If there's anything you wanted to say, I would say it now. Dad. Son, I've not got long left. I have a final wish.
Anything? I need you to come out of the closet. What? You need to live your life honestly. You must admit to being gay.
Dad, I'm not gay. A father knows these things. I've known since you were a little boy. Dad, I swear on my life, I'm not gay.
What's your favourite movie? Mamma Mia.
Dad, I'm here with my fucking wife. Ask her. I always knew you were gay. What the fuck? He's got the softest hands of any man I've ever met and his wrists are very limp. Dad, I'm not gay.
Listen to your friends. Connor, we've been friends for years and I know that you've wanted to bone me all this time. What the fuck is going on? We all talk about it, Connor. How much you want to bone me. Like you're a stallion and I'm your mare. Just how much you just want to keep boning, boning and boning away. I know this is a sensitive moment for you all and I don't want to be out of line.
But it is my professional opinion that you are a little gay boy. Oh my god. You're not coming out as the reason why you've been such a failure at a disappointment all of my life. I'm not fucking gay. It's the lack of honesty really. You're really hurting all of us by denying the simple fact that you're gay. It would make me so happy if I could die knowing that you were finally your true self. A gay. If that's what you want. Guys, I'm gay. I'm not, dude. I'm sorry.
Hey guys, we've got a podcast that we're releasing every week. The Krakenwalk podcast is on a separate other channel called the Krakenwalk podcast. So you can go and check that out.
Are you drunk? Dude, I'm not drunk. Paint doesn't make you drunk. You've been drinking paint? Yeah. You guys, you guys got any paint? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | NSW_s_One_Wish_Australia_s_New_Immigration_Policy_Land_Cruisers_Take_To_Rocky_More_May_7 | It's about time, except for poor old Sydney, they've got a mask up. No dancing, dancing's been banned down there in the steak and kidney.
You're joined by myself Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate. Errol Parker, how are you as well?
Good mate, just keeping track of all of these blood clots happening up here in North Queensland. Just making sure that the authorities are keeping track of what's happening up here with this bloody so-called AstraZeneca vaccine. Thank you, Doug. Well we've got one in Townsville, I saw. That's not much to keep track of. One in North Queensland. What about you, Wendell? Fighting fit and healthy, long way away from my vaccine so I'm not too worried about these blood clots. Yeah, well you won't get to it after you bloody get it mate. Well, who knows if I will, hey, the way it's looking, this roll out.
Now let's start off with some Sydney news and all of New South Wales hoping that Old Mate at least got that barbecue he was looking for. After a few quiet weeks on the national COVID front, it looks like we had another local outbreak on our hands. Touch wood, things all seem alright down there in Sydney, but fears were sparked after a man down there, he visited every single barbecue shop in the region while he was infectious. Yes, and after the news broke and the hot spots were revealed, both New South Wales and the greater Australian public were asking a few questions, hoping that the big fella did find that barbecue smoker he was looking for. And judging by the stop at BP on the way home, followed by the meat store, it looks like he might have got what he was looking for, it was a success and he ended up grilling his way through isolation. Yeah, well if he had COVID though, he wouldn't have been able to taste it if you believe what the scientists say. And we had a couple of comments on that one. We did, you got to risk it for the brisket. We had a comment from Chelsea Steele who said, this sounds like a typical dad, will travel halfway around Australia checking out each store instead of just going online or calling to see if they have what he wants. He was all over Sydney, the big fella.
Now some other national news, Home Affairs has given border control officers Bunnings paint swatches for future reference. Yes, after the roaring success of the Indian travel ban, the Prime Minister and the Home Affairs Department have now released a new immigration policy, which looks like it'll be bringing us one step closer backwards to the white Australia policy. Yeah, Karen Andrews is picking up where Peter Dutton has left off and said, quote, this test will be an easier, more streamlined way to filter, quote, real Australians out from people who just have Australian passports, pull out a Bunnings paint sample sheet.
And if they're Sharon Taye melon, you're in the clear. But if you're chicken liver or chickpea, turn around. And if you are reportedly cheddar pepper, then you need to answer some questions about Australian sport and neighbours.
Now in Queensland, 10,000 land cruisers in the main street of Rocky suggests it must be a pretty good time to be in beef. Yes, every busted cocky between Kyogle and Weeper have made their way to central Queensland this week for what is the biggest beef week yet. After having to give it a miss last year, Rocky has seen the largest ever collection of land cruisers descend upon their town in confirmation that beef's been going pretty good. Of course, while the fleet of luxury $100,000 plus rural vehicles is a sign that things are good, the week long conference has been treated to the mandatory whinging as different cattle barons insist that they've been getting less rain than the other bushies that they're whinging to.
Always seems to fall in neighbours' place, doesn't it? It does, mate.
But look up there in western Queensland, they've had a lot of rain up there. So I guess, you know, people this year would be whinging about getting too much. South-western Queensland for our next story.
And a local boomer has discovered they can buy white goods online and don't have to get ripped off at Harvey Norman. Yeah, a breeding pair of local sexagenarians from Batutah Heights received quite a shock this week. They discovered that it is possible to purchase new white goods on the internet. And not just to get fleeced at the Batutah Heights Harvey Norman. Yes, they reckon they're going to save thousands, now they don't have to roll down there every time the toaster packs it up. And maybe if more people do that, Gerry Harvey will be able to justify the millions of taxpayer dollars he's pocketed in JobKeeper, despite turning major profits last year and paying fuck all tax, the thieving cunt.
Yeah, well hopefully someone ties a plastic bag around his head soon, Clancy. What's coming up next, Wendell?
In sports news, Stuart McGill has been kidnapped by Barossa winemakers after derogatory remarks about the region's Shiraz. Yes, the plonk thickens. The sports media landscape went into overdrive this week after news that Shane Warme's former understudy was kidnapped. And once again, we'll first hit the scoop to reveal what was at play with some South Australian winemakers apparently bundling him into a van after the red wine enthusiast made some comments about their region's Shiraz. The leg spinner apparently told a dinner party that he wouldn't use Barossa Shiraz to clean his boat before pretending to vomit. And that didn't go down too well with the Barossa Valley bigwigs, so he thought it was time they taught him a lesson. I believe it's called a Barossa crowpeck, where they tie you up to a tree and fire wine bottle corks at you from Shanghai, particularly in the groinal region.
I'll tell you what, do you guys know what Stuart's full name is? It is Stuart Charles Glyndwr McGill, and that's spelled G-L-Y-D-W-R. Well, he's a spicy white after all. Yeah, sounds like the name of a real red wine drinker.
Anyway, those investigations are continuing, so we'll let you know as that story unfolds. But that is all we've got time for on our Weekly Bulletin. Thanks for tuning in. Look forward to talking to you in seven days' time.
Bye bye. Who wrote? My-yen-yo.
Uma has discovered they can buy white goods online and don't have to get ripped off at Harvey Norman. Yeah, a breeding pair of local sexagenarians from Batutah Heights received quite a shock this week. They discovered that it is possible to purchase new white goods on the internet, and not just to get fleeced at the Batutah Heights Harvey Norman. Yes, they reckon they're going to save thousands, and now they don't have to roll down there every time the toaster packs it up. And maybe if more people do that, Jerry Harvey will be able to justify the millions of taxpayer dollars he's pocketed in JobKeeper, despite turning major profits last year and paying fuck all tax, the thieving cunt.
Yeah, well, hopefully someone ties a plastic bag around his head soon, Clancy. What's coming up next, Wendell? Sports news.
Stuart McGill has been kidnapped by Barossa winemakers after derogatory remarks about the region's Shiraz. Yes, the plonk thickens. The sports media landscape went into overdrive this week after news that Shane Warms' former understudy was kidnapped. And once again, we'll first hit the scoop to reveal what was at play with some South Australian winemakers apparently bundling him into a van after the red wine enthusiast made some comments about their region's Shiraz. Yeah, the leg spinner apparently told a dinner party that he wouldn't use Barossa Shiraz to clean his boat before pretending to vomit. And that didn't go down too well with the Barossa Valley bigwigs. So he thought it was time they taught him a lesson. I believe it's called a Barossa crow peck, where they tie you up to a tree and fire wine bottle corks at you from Shanghai, particularly in the groinal region.
I'll tell you what, do you guys know what Stuart's full name is? It is Stuart Charles Glyndwr-McGill and that's spelt G-L-Y-D-W-R. Well he's a spicy white after all. Yeah, sounds like the name of a real red wine drinker.
Anyway, those investigations are continuing so we'll let you know as that story unfolds. But that is all we've got time for on our weekly bulletin. Thanks for tuning in, look forward to talking to you in seven days time.
Bye bye. Who wrote?
My yin-yo. |
SaturdayNightLive | dick_cheney_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | The following is in address by the Vice President of the United States evening. I'm Vice President Dick Cheney here to talk to you about energy. Earlier this week. I unveiled the outlines of this administration's energy policy policy, which sadly has been lacking during the preceding eight years. This policy recognizes America's growing energy needs and the unavoidable fact that if our economies to prosper, energy production can have to be increased.
Now, some critics have complained that our policy does not place enough emphasis on conservation. A few have even suggested this is due to the influence of the petroleum industry, which they claim prefers increased consumption to more conservation. This accusation, in my opinion, is ill-informed and does a real disservice to this administration. I'm sorry that outburst was uncalled for beneath the digging to me dignity in my office, but as you can see, it's difficult for me to comment on these charges without flying off the handle. First, because my personal integrity has been questioned, Second, because my entire life has demonstrated a deep commitment to energy conservation. In fact, even my political opponents acknowledge that I'm one of the lowest energy people ever to hold this office.
This is not by accident you see. some years ago, as part of my own. in an effort to reduce energy waste, I decided to make a rigorous, thorough analysis of my personality, mannerisms, and speaking style and to eliminate any and all unnecessary nods, winks, shrugs, hand gestures, head movements, and tone modulations with the goal of making my personality 100% energy efficient. Since that time, I've steadfastly remained in what I call the basic service or energy saving mode, making exceptions only for my eldest daughter's wedding and of course, the physical act of making love. The energy savings have been dramatic. I'm gonna give just one example: In the course of an ordinary five-minute conversation, the typical adult male expends 61 calories of energy. For comparison, Actor Roberto Benigni during his acceptance speech at the Oscars two years ago used 47,000 I used 2.1 Now you may ask: Does this affecting the ability to communicate effectively? Not at all even an energy saving mode.
I can convey any human emotion the situation requires. For example, here's elation: Are you joking? I've won the 60 million dollar powerball, I don't believe it. this is a dream. don't wake me. Here's panic: The love of God, please. someone helped me, a dingoes got my baby.
Total calories expended Zero Point Zero. Zero Six.
Perhaps you're asking yourself. could I make my own speech this energy efficient? Absolutely, everything you need to know is contained in one 30-minute tape. Basic Service: Vice President Dick Cheney's Guide to a flatter Mormon not in a speaking style. It's part how to and part motivational speech, albeit a somewhat low-key motivational speech cost $29.95, But let me stay for the record profits from this tape. Do not go to me personally. they go to the big oil companies. That's all I have to say. Thank you and live from New York. |
SaturdayNightLive | sabrina_carpenter_feather_nonsense_live_snl | Once again, Sabrina Carpenter. whoo-hoo!
I feel so much lighter like a feather if you are my one. Ooh oh, it's like that. I'm your dream come true when it's on a flatter for you. when I try to make plans more than two hours in advance.
Oh, yeah I slam the door. I hit it north. I say no, no, no, no, no I cut you off.
I feel so much lighter like a feather If you are my one and I float up and through the memories I put out. but you're always the time. Ooh you say no one's a miss. You act like a bitch. You fit every stereotype stand in the pit. I feel so much lighter like a feather If you are my one with you out my life.
It feels so good not giving away what a night. And I feel so good not pretending to light the wide your life.
Slam the door. I hit it north.
I say no, no, no, no, no I cut you off. I'm excited to never talk. I'm on Snl and you're not.
I feel so much lighter like a feather. If you are my one and I float up and through the memories I put out. but you're always the time. Ooh you say no one's a miss, You act like a bitch. You fit every stereotype stand in the pit. I feel so much lighter like a feather. If you are my one with you out my life. It feels so good.
I'm done, You miss me? No dough, where I'm at, I'm love, where I'm at. You want me? I'm done, You miss me. No dough where I'm at.
I'm love where I'm at. I feel so much lighter like a feather. If you are my one, I feel so much lighter like a feather. If you are my one, it is looking at you got me thinking nonsense callers in my stomach. When you're walking, when you've got your arms around me, when you feel so good I'm so much ill.
I must have lost it said. I don't even know I'm talking. I'm talking.
I'm talking based on catchier than chicken boxes. I bet your house is where my other side is. Woke up this morning thought I'd ride a pop hit. He is thirty rock hard cause I said hi. My sense of humor is but I am not dry Snl I just came for the first time. |
dropout | collegehumor_plays_would_you_rather | So the office has been playing this game would you rather and we can't agree on anything we can't agree on anything And we couldn't agree on anything so we decided that the best way to settle things So we decided the best way to settle things would be on an internet video. It was on an internet video Would you rather have to sniff the butt of everyone you meet or pee on something to make it yours? Obviously sniffing butts am I am I right? Oh my gosh. There's so much information you can learn from sniffing butts That's why dogs are so smart. It's a conversation starter at the very least.
Yeah, I'm gonna choose the peeing scenario because uh You're in it for the economy I'm in it for the economy. I'm I'm in it to save money. I'm always trying to find a new way to save a dollar How do you know I don't already pee on all my stuff?
Would you rather play air guitar every time you hear music or always say goodbye with a wink and a double gun or finger salute? Little little little wink and finger gun. I mean, yeah, is there anything smoother than that later, babe? I Don't like that Procession is going at the wedding and the brides coming down and everyone's like, oh the bride looks so beautiful And I'm just standing in the corner like I think you should go with both though Yeah, would you rather breastfeed until you're 80 or feel like you're giving birth every time you go to the bathroom Imagine the sound of a public bathroom if everybody felt like they were giving birth while they shat Whose breasts are you feeding off? That's a good question. Another question.
That's something I thought of Cuz I mean in real life all your mother's yeah, so your mom has got to be that's true She doesn't even live in New York. Yeah, the logistics of this now Not that I would be opposed to sucking my mom's tits on me.
It's just like logistic It wouldn't work out Would you rather make love to someone who uses a robot voice when talking dirty or make love to someone who scats their dirty talk I think I would definitely go with the robot voice I have a thing for robots to begin with and I'm not so much into the Scatting styles of your so I think the robot thing would really really benefit me the most you have a thing for robot voices What about a robot scatting though? Bad dude bad dude bad dude I wouldn't trust a person that has taken the time to develop such an antiquated skill Would you rather live without a cell phone or live with that toilet paper cell phone next question without toilet paper? Because there's like alternate methods that you can kind of like shoes like a day God already gave us toilet paper No, no, you're going to hell obviously you have toilet paper Oh Yeah, a bidet. I've never used one, but I hear great things Can I get a cut of that clip just for me Would you rather always have a booger hanging out of your nose or stub your toe every time you walk into a new room? This is the hardest one. I think we've had I would absolutely Always I would rather stem my toe every time I walk to a new room because I would just stop going into new rooms There are tons of little kids that have boogers hanging out of there every day, and they don't seem to mind So maybe they're onto something yeah, I mean you're going in to smooch your sweet little, baby You got a booger hanging out your nose.
You're gonna get a nice taste of that green goop. It's not it's not the good stuff I'll tell you that much. I've tried it. It's not good You've tried it.
I'm just too self-conscious. I Can't live with a booger in my nose always it's weird though because you've had one in this entire shoe No |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_guy_who_just_bought_a_boat_on_romantic_summer_getaways_snl | Well, with covid restrictions relaxing, many Americans are planning to travel abroad this summer. here with his tips for romantic international getaways is a guy who just bought a boat.
Oh, Joe. Ah, Moto Bellissima. Guess who's got two tickets to bumpin'' thighs? Yes. All right, man.
I'm already regretting this, but let's hear some of your travel tips. you got it, Kajej. Now, let's talk best plays to get the best lays on vacays, Okay? take your new girl to the old world. the south of France is perfect for mouth in pants. And if a nude beach is an appealing feat, head down to the French Sciviera to see nice cans. soon, she'll want you to be like Napoleon and bone her parts. I have a small penis. But don't just stay in France, Amigos. as many women have told me, you've actually got to move a round down there.
So hop a train. Eurorail is your ticket to Eurotail. so many choice stops. maybe try Berlin to reel her in. And before you know it, you'll be exploring her black forest and she'll be moaning in your ear, This is the worst thing to ever happen in Germany.
Oh, my God. come on, man. Oh, yeah. come on, I shall.
Now, if you don't want to be an Uggo Americano, you've got to blend in with the low calls, Jost. So grab a guidebook. And remember, Rick Steves leads to Slick Beaves. And there's nothing scarier than a language barrier. a little duolingo and you'll be doing lingus.
Oh, my God. some people are visibly sick.
Why would any woman want to be with you?
Well, I have to admit, Kojo, I have driven many a lady to the Isle of Lesbos. Oh, man. in my boat, Colin. Oh, yeah. guy who just bought a boat, everyone.
Mi pane es una angel head.
Ah, Mwah! Yes, yes. All right, man.
I'm already regretting this, but let's hear some of your travel tips.
You got it, Kajayjay. Now, let's talk best plays.
To get the best leis on vacays, Okay? take your new girl to the old world. the south of France is perfect for mouth in pants. And if a nude beach is an appealing feat, head down to the French Sciviera to see nice cans. soon, she'll want you to be like Napoleon and bone her parts. I have a small penis. But don't just stay in France, Amigos. as many women have told me, you've actually got to move around down there.
So hop a train. Eurorail is your ticket to Eurotail. so many choice stops. maybe try Berlin to reel her in. And before you know it, you'll be exploring her black forest, and she'll be moaning in your ear, This is the worst thing to ever happen in Germany.
Oh, my God. come on, man. Oh, yeah. come on, I shall.
Now, if you don't want to be an Uggo Americano, you got to blend in with the low calls, Jost. So grab a guidebook. And remember, Rick Steves leads to Slick Beaves. And there's nothing scarier than a language barrier. a little duolingo, and you'll be doing lingus.
Oh, my God. some people are, like, visibly sick.
Why would any woman want to be with you?
Well, I have to admit, Kojo, I have driven many a lady to the Isle of Lesbos. Oh, man. in my boat, Colin. Oh, yeah. guy who just bought a boat, everyone.
Mi cana es una angelana. Mwah! come on, Ciao. Ciao. mm-hmm. mm-hmm. mm-hmm. mm-hmm. |
SaturdayNightLive | enrique_s_daughter_snl | All right, you guys, glad we're all here. our company, Burt's Bees, is being acquired by Jurgens, which is owned by Aveeno, which is owned by Yoplait, so it's gonna be a new chapter. I think it's exciting. you would. What is that supposed to mean? Sorry, I drank a celsius this morning, and I am on one. Okay, uh, well, we need to make sure we're all on the same page about our strategy before we meet with their people, Okay? we have a lot to talk about today, so buckle up. before we start, can I say one thing? uh, sure, Enrique, of course.
I just want to say to everyone that my daughter is getting married. Aww. congratulations. yeah, congrats, Enrique, that's awesome, man. thank you.
All right, so when companies get bought out, one of the first things they look at is staff size. are you talking about layoffs? Ooh, I hope not. I mean, they usually get rid of the old Ceo.
Okay, ha ha, very funny. I'm not going anywhere. can I say one more thing about it? Uh, yeah, sure, Enrique, go ahead. he is a very nice man. Oh, great, yeah, wonderful. yeah, that's awesome, man, I love that. glad you like your daughter's fiancee, All right. hey, you're all getting me nervous, though. like, they're going to get rid of me, so let's talk about other options, please. maybe they're looking to diversify. the leadership rules. uh-oh, don't like the sound of that. excuse me? I'm joking, I'm totally joking. Can I say one leader, more little things? Yeah, go ahead, Enrique. his name is Jeff. that's awesome, man, his name is Jeff, yeah. I'm glad you're in a good mood, Enrique, But you know, people's jobs are on the line here. not Jeff, he works at Google. Okay, well, lucky him. No. All right, okay, let's talk in pairs, come up with ideas, we want to retain as many people as we can, so we need a good pitch here. they just don't have the B expertise, so the more we handle ourselves, the better they'll do.
Oh, that's good, write that down, yeah. I mean, our sales have been great, we're in every drug store you can think of. they were friends. when they were kids, they drifted apart and then they came back together. Well, that's adorable. And you came up with the foot scrub, you have to step. And you brought in exfoliating, That was huge. I mean, wouldn't be just funny, though. it's funny, but nice funny. that's how you got to do it.
All right, guys, let's come back. what did we all come up with? What questions do we need to answer today? Well, our biggest question right now is banned or Dj, because the Dj is cheaper, But the ban. the ban is like, whoa. Okay, guys, guys, guys, let's focus here.
Okay, Enrique, what was our overhead for the past four quarters? Uh, I don't know, don't ask me. Well, you're our accountant, Bud. I don't know who else to ask.
Look, I'm very happy for you, but I feel like you're a little distracted, Enrique. and why shouldn't he be? he's happy. because our company is on the line. just because your daughter can't keep a man. she's six. Well, she's tall, I didn't know. Guys, guys, this is important. our company is beloved, Okay? we grind up bees and turn it into chapstick. people love that. So when those suits from Juergens come in here and they say, hey, sorry to break it to you, but you have to lay off 30% of your staff, what are we gonna say? we're gonna say no. Not today. because his daughter is getting married. Yeah, so we're not doing all of that. because we have a wedding to pay for. because we are a family. And if Juergens has a problem with that. and they can go straight to hell. right, Enrique?
Can I say one more thing? Yep. my song is having a baby. Yeah, Siri! take a look at her, Enrique! |
TheOnion | Ninja_Parade_Slips_By_Town_Unnoticed_Once_Again | In Modesto, California today, crowds turned out for the annual Modesto County Ninja Parade, which once again passed through town entirely undetected. This is our fourth straight year coming and we've still never seen a ninja. According to an arrow scroll delivered straight into the heart of the city clerk, this marked the 30th year that the Modesto area ninjas have stealthily celebrated their heritage. It's amazing how the ninjas can sneak by undetected on us. The kids love trying to be able to spot them and not being able to. A record crowd of 3,000 people came out to not see the ninjas. We were right where the ninjas probably were.
The best part was probably when I found a candy in my pocket. The ninjas must have came up behind me like really fast and put all this candy. Despite its long tradition, only once in 1984 was any evidence of the parade's presence captured on film. And after the event, attendees were informed that the theme of this year's parade had been Shiro Tori Kuroi Kage. |
TheOnion | Classified_Bill_Defends_Against_Flesh_Eating_Classified | Congress shall now vote for approval of H.R. 8791, the Homeland Terrorism Preparedness Bill. A said bill requests emergency response funding up to and including, I'm sorry, this section is classified, dollars to prepare for a national level terrorist attack and or attack from classified. Funding for first responder personnel and vehicles would be doubled if said attack leads to more than 80% of the national population being affected by classified. This funding shall commence in conjunction with the first attack on classified or the first large-scale outbreak of classified dependent upon which comes first. Civilian and military units shall be trained in containment and combat of classified including irradiated classified with possibility of classified airborne, classified flesh eating classified and or all of the above in such event as classified spewing, classified escape are released or otherwise become uncontrollable. Air Force units may also be directed to combat said classified due to their enormous size and other worldly strengths. Should event occur in urban areas, Jesus, that's classified far surpassing our darkest nightmares, should casualties exceed classified body disposal actions, shall be halted and associated resources shall be reallocated to classified underground, classified protected birthing centers. A new Bill of Rights shall be drafted and approved by classified. Having now reviewed the bill, I ask you to please cast your votes. |
CrackerMilk | crackercast_episode_3 | Hey hey hey hey hello everybody welcome to cracker cast episode four maybe five four three i think it's number one a curse big being being in the longest land and everyone together. Wasn't that a beautiful exercise. That was really good. We just spent the last maybe ten seconds or so just talking normally and not definitely putting a curse on someone.
Sorry, I feel like I just got cursed. I don't know why you feel that way. You know funny you say that because I have a friend who got cursed and they I've never acted like you at all, so I guess you didn't get cursed. Fuck you. Okay, but I'm sorry. I just, I really feel like I just got cursed.
Okay, would you just mind leaving the room for a sec? You're gonna help me with my curse? Yep, we're just gonna go discuss how we're gonna help you with your curse, okay?
Thank you. I really appreciate that. No worries.
See you guys soon. See you soon. Sorry, what was that? Oh no, he was just whispering Chinese whispers in my ear. Anyway, so long. See you later.
Do you wanna know what curse we put on him? Mmm. What is it? We took away his... No. It's gonna come out of his mouth. It's gonna endle up like a mountain. How long will that take? I don't know. Roughly 25 minutes. But it's also...
Oh my god. It's got 25 minutes before Pooh comes out of his mouth. But it's also gonna come out of his nose and of his ears because of the pressure built up from the Pooh going up inside of him. Oh my god. He's like getting Play-Doh pushed through.
Okay, and Tom, welcome back in. Hey guys, thanks.
This is Tom Griffiths, everyone. Tom Griffiths, who definitely has a butthole.
I feel like I've just got to really shit. What are you talking about? I've just really suddenly had a sudden need to do a Pooh-Pooh. I'm really glad that you let me inside where the toilet is. Can you just direct me to the toilet?
Oh no, Tom! You're breaking up! You're in a tunnel! I was right next to you. Stop!
It's okay, I just cast the curse to make him forget. Well, did he forget that you said that? I've just heard him say it.
With us today is Elias Deja. Joshua Tate.
He helps out on set and does the BTS on Patreon. Does our Patreon.
That's him. That's who that is.
I just want to say that recently I've noticed your butthole has definitely been existent. And I just wanted to bring that up. That's an oddly specific thing to say. You have a butthole. You come into the room, I say two things about you. You say you're a really nice guy. And I say, definitely has a butthole. Could I just check to see if I do have a butthole?
Hey dude! Look, it's the high five champion! High five, Lin! I can't refuse a high five! Yeah dude! I can do all three of you at once!
That wasn't very good. Did you just use a sleep dart on him and now he's asleep? Well now that the high five champion's asleep, I can check my asshole and see if it's there.
Oh my god! That's a high five, Jin! He's nice to me! Alright! Woo! Yeah! Guys, I have something to tell you.
That was a poison dart. And high five, Lin, is definitely dead. And will not be returning to the rest of the show. That bit is dead though.
Now, before we go on, we need to address... However, Elias can come back. We need to...
Oh my god, it's Elias! Elias!
Hey, what's going on guys? There is a very special guest here that we would like to induce. We'd like to introduce, and that is our very committed, very hard working, very just excellent all-round super shout out to Damon who just landed a job. Who just landed a job with a major television studio! Pornhub.com!
But he's been a very kind man for as long as we've known him. He's always helped us out, given us a lot of free music.
Watch out, a bear! Oh my god, guys! Josh, can you leave the room for a sec? There's a bear behind you! Can you leave the room for a sec? Yeah, no worries.
Oh look, the bear got him. The bear got him. The bear killed him outside the room, idiot. Walked into a bear. What a fucking idiot. And the bear dragged him to the couch.
Bye, Josh. See you, Josh. We'll see you soon, brother.
Damon, Damon, Damon. What do you mean?
He's dead. We're never going to see him again. We'll see you soon, brother. Josh is dead!
Oh, sorry, sorry. You're just passing it off like it's nothing? Okay, okay, okay. I'll say the right thing. We'll see you soon, brother. No! Hey look, I just want to say that we've got a special friend on, and you and I having a fight on the podcast is not something we want to bring up right now, okay? So can we just move on and talk to our friend? Yeah, that's fine.
Look, guys, I just, I feel like I don't have an end of me, and I really need to shit, but I just want to introduce Damon before something bad happens. Sorry? I just want to reiterate very quickly that you do have a butthole, and any- Damon Sheridan, everyone! Woo! What are you eating there, mate?
The famous or infamous Carolina Reaper. Oh, I can't say I've heard of it. It must not be that famous. For some context- Wait, I may have heard of it. I think you may have heard of it.
Every- Damon really likes chilis. Damon really likes hot food. Spicy food. I do like hot food.
I think this is moronic. Ten. Oh, shit. Nine. Oh, no. Eight. I don't want to do this. Seven. Three, two, one, go. I have to shit. Oh, God.
He's just eating a calorie. He's eating a calorie.
That has three million scogol, I believe. Three million scogol. That's a lot. That's a lot of scogol.
Now, just spit it out. Spit it out. Please spit it out. You can hear those tunes on the mic. Spit it out.
It's done.
He's got with him some lemon water. He's got some lemon water. He's got strawberry oak which is strawberry chocolate milk. Strawberry milk.
I noticed your ears are reddening. Yeah, your ears are, indeed, getting redder. Is that from a sexual arousal or perhaps the spice is a little too spicy for your little spice tongue. Oh, my God. It's like lacerations in my mouth.
Hey, I got a question for you. We're going to do some quick maths because the word on the street is, You're the Coolest Mathwizz in Town. Well, Damon. What's seven times seven? Connor wow that's not an answer that is the incorrect answer I'm gonna ask you another one and can I just say that I'm a little offended and you've come on here and you start bucking me around okay I mean you have to understand this is question two take this fucking serious in a second question wrong you are not going through to the next round Damon what is eight times seven 56 he said 56 he said 56 if you pass this question you get through to the next round can I just reiterate though last time the last question you answered you did not speak with any sort of volume and this is a professional establishment if you're gonna answer the question we need to hear your answer okay I need you to speak for us David we need you to enunciate just don't repeat that last answer please Damon just that last answer please then once these beckoning for the ice cream man doesn't have a spoon I'm gonna use his fist in that question two we need you to repeat the answer at an audible yeah please eight times seven and he's just lost the quiz and we don't is leaving the studio our security guys get him out of here okay we've got Damon on Damon can't we cut to cut the Damon cam quickly please sinus is leaking some salted mix nuts will help Damon needs some mixed nuts Damon is it going to really clean your palate what an absolute fucking idiot can't even answer a question bucket you understand I heard these are really good they're not like the other ones man he's a genuine mix not gonna clean up you fucking moron David that's what happens when you lose the quiz it's been a little bit since now event that did not meet it can you leave the room for a second please why is that oh look look that is that an author yes yes hello guys there's something I wanted to talk to you about is it sorry hey Tom sorry I just thought I'd um just sort of crook my neck and thought that that would be good enough I really appreciate if you like that's really offensive we really work hard does that mean I can go take a shit no let's just say that the toilet is not for you anymore yeah anyway guys are all just speaking in tongues just and I'm very confused oh shit we did the salsa I mean we did the salsa song I really have shit guys I think there's a big bowl of salsa inside my body that's okay let it brew it's going closer and closer to my asshole I'm just gonna check yeah Josh has to tell you okay this happened last time and someone ate a Carolina Reaper that's another offer just for you this one is double the discount of the last one Wow 100% decrease on that offer have a look guys what do we do yeah what's going on so maybe if we curse away his hands oh my god yes we put two yeah with two butt cheeks and he'll think that he'll think that he's the asshole and he'll not he won't need to check it anymore because he is it no we need to yeah no instead of butt cheeks they need to be feet because then your fingers arms are his legs and because what's his legs attached to his butthole I feel like butt cheeks are better option all right let's go guys we really need to fix something's affecting him we need to fix him okay we gotta cut to Damon for a bit you're back David you look like shit how's your asshole time it's still intact now can you please answer the question seven times eight seven times eight what's the answer to that question you fucking cretin don't repeat the question to me answer the question what is seven times eight for fuck's sake what is it what is it get rid of him get rid of him you're back fuck out of my site oh sorry I just I really I try I tried to look at my asshole before but I just I stumbled and fell on my head and bumped it oh that's such a shame hey Tom yeah there's something that's a very good offer I've just been trying to check my asshole for the last 20 minutes because you said you know you definitely have an asshole which makes you think maybe I don't have an asshole but why would I not have an asshole so I really want to check it no no no you've gotten us completely wrong do you know why we got rid of your butthole I mean wait sorry did you just do you know why we were telling you if you have a butthole you definitely have one you definitely have one so I can check no no no trust us this is the thing you don't get this is the fucking thing if you don't hear us say you've got a butthole and then you want to check it you don't trust him you don't trust her you don't trust me I'm just gonna check my butthole no no oh my god you fucking bastards what what is it you've only bloody gone and sewn it up that's not that scar is right no we didn't sell it up we just got rid of it that was my that was my scrotum sorry I don't have a butthole you guys are taking away my butthole yes what can you please explain this to me why why have you taken my my bottle well I really have to shit and I can't get it please have the bucket oh no what let him suffer why would you do that to come out of my mouth but okay hey Tom yep this is my hey Tom yeah stop talking shit hey you look like shit let's quickly come back to our final Damon can get up and get up in quick don't have time we got time hey baby baby are you doing Damon answer the third question please honor the third question you know what the third question is how you feeling I feel I feel okay that's the incorrect answer you're gone I'm sorry Damon but we gave you so many chances to answer that correctly and you just round of applause for Dame everyone thank you all for watching what has to be the most wild to crack a bill podcast yet shout out to our discord again good we love you boys love you boss got the demon can quickly look at that face okay I'll say the right thing we'll see you soon brother no hey look I just want to say that we've got a special friend on you and I having a fight on the podcast is not something we want to bring up right now okay so can we just move on and talk to a friend yeah that's right look guys I just I feel like I don't have an end of me and I really need to shit but I just wanted to introduce Damon what you before something bad happens sorry I just want to reiterate very quickly that you do have a bottle and any Damon Sheridan everyone we're eating them a the famous or infamous Carolina Reaper oh I can't have it must know for some context Damon Damon really likes chilies David really likes hot food spicy food I do like spicy food I think this is moronic 10 9 I don't want to do this seven three two one go I have to shit that has three million scoville I believe three million scoville that's a lot of scoville he's got with him some lemon water he's got some lemon water he's got strawberry oak which is strawberry chocolate milk strawberry milk I notice your ears are reddening yeah your your ears are indeed getting redder is that from a sexual arousal or perhaps the spice is a little too spicy for your little spice time hey I got a question for you we're gonna do some quick maths because word on the street is you're the coolest math whiz in town well Damon what's seven times seven wow that's not an answer that is the incorrect answer I'm gonna ask you another one and can I just say that I'm a little offended for some context Damon really likes chilies David really likes hot food spicy food I do like spicy food I think this is moronic 10 9 I have to shit that has three million scoville I believe three million scoville that's a lot of scoville he's got with him lemon water some lemon water you've got strawberry oak which is strawberry chocolate milk strawberry milk I notice your ears are reddening yeah your your ears are indeed getting redder is that from a sexual arousal or perhaps the spice is a little too spicy for your little spice time hey I got a question for you we're gonna do some quick maths because word on the street is you're the coolest math whiz in town Wow Damon what's seven times seven wow that's not an answer that is the incorrect answer I'm gonna ask you another one and can I just say that I'm a little offended and you've come on here and you start fucking me around I know I mean you have to understand this is question to take this fucking serious second question wrong you are not going through to the next round Damon what is eight times seven 56 56 56 if you pass this question you get through to the next room can I just reiterate though last time the last question you answered you did not speak with any sort of volume and this is a professional establishment if you're gonna answer the question we need to hear your answer okay I need you to speak for a statement we need you to enunciate just don't repeat that last answer please Damon just that last answer please then once he's beckoning for the ice cream man doesn't have a spoon gonna use his fist in that question to we need you to repeat the answer at an audible voice eight times seven and he's just lost the quiz and we are now it is leaving the studio our security guys get him out of here okay we've got Damon on Damon can't we cut to get cut to Damon cam quickly his sinuses leaking Damon perhaps some salted mix nuts will help try these mixed nuts Damon needs some mixed nuts Damon is it going to really clean your palate fucking idiot he fell for it what an absolute fucking idiot can't even answer a question I heard these are really good they're not like the other ones man he's a genuine mix not gonna clean that's what happens when you lose the quiz it's been a little bit since now event that did not me it's can you leave the room for a second please why is that oh look look that is that an author yes yes yes hello guys there's something I wanted to talk to you about is it sorry hey Tom you doing in the room sorry I just thought I'd um just sort of crook my neck and thought that that would be good enough I would really appreciate if you like that's really offensive we really work does that mean I can go take a shit no let's just say that the toilet is not for you anymore yeah anyway guys I was just speaking in tongues just in a very confused oh shit we did the salsa I mean we did the salsa song I really have to shit guys I think there's a I think there's a big bowl of salsa inside my body that's okay let it brew it's going closer and closer to my asshole I'm just gonna check yeah Josh has to tell you okay this happened last time and someone ate a Carolina Reaper that's another offer just for you this one is double the discount of the last one well 100% decrease on that offer go have a look maybe if we curse away his hands and he'll think that he'll think that he's the asshole and he'll not he won't need to check it anymore because he is it no we need to know instead of butt cheeks they need to be feet because then your fingers arms are his legs and because I feel like but cheeks are better option all right let's go okay guys we've really need to fix I think something something's affecting him okay we're gonna cut to Damon for a bit you're back David you look like shit how's your asshole it's still intact now can you please answer the question seven times eight seven times eight what's the answer to that question you fucking cretin don't repeat the question to me answer the question what is seven times eight for fuck's sake what is it what is it get rid of him get rid of fuck out of my site we need to fix what I really I tried to look at my asshole before but I just I stumbled and fell on my head and bumped it I've just been trying to check my asshole for the last 20 minutes because you said you know you definitely have an asshole which makes you think maybe I don't have an asshole but why would I not have an asshole so I really want to check it no no no you've gotten us completely wrong do you know why we got rid of your butthole I mean wait sorry did you just do you know why we were telling you if you have a butthole you definitely have one you definitely have one so I can check no no no trust us this is the thing you don't get Tom this is the fucking thing if you don't hear us say you've got a butthole and then you want to check it you don't trust him you don't trust her you don't trust me I'm just gonna check my butthole no no you fucking bastards what what is it only bloody gone and sewn it up that's not that scar is right no we didn't sell it up we just got rid of it that was my that was my scrotum sorry I don't have a butthole you guys are taking away my butthole yes what can you please explain this to me why why have you taken my my butthole well I really have to shit and I can't get it out oh please have the bucket oh no what let him suffer why would you do that to me I really don't know how to video I'm going to make shit come out of my mouth okay hey Tom yep this is my hey Tom yeah stop talking shit come out of my mouth hey you look like shit let's quickly come back to our final diamond cam going through to the next round Damon what is eight times seven 56 he's 56 you said 56 if you pass this question you get through to the next room can I just reiterate though last time the last question you answered you did not speak with any sort of volume and this is a professional establishment if you're gonna answer the question we need to hear your answer okay I need you to speak for us then I need you to enunciate just don't repeat that last answer please Damon just that last answer please then once these beckoning for the ice cream man doesn't have a spoon gonna use his fist in that question too we need you to repeat the answer at an audible yeah please eight times seven and he's just lost the quiz and we are now it is leaving the studio our security guard okay we've got Damon on Damon can't we cut to cut the Damon can quickly please his sinuses leaking Damon perhaps some salted mix nuts will help Damon needs some mixed nuts Damon is it going to really clean your palate what an absolute fucking idiot can't even answer a question I heard these are really good they're not like the other ones man he's a genuine mix not gonna clean that's what happens when you lose the quiz bitch I wanted to bring something up it's been a little bit since now event that did not meet it can you leave the room for a second please why is that oh look look that is that an author yes yes yes hello guys there's something I wanted to talk to you about is it sorry hey Tom you doing in the room sorry I just thought I'd um just sort of crook my neck and thought that that would be good enough I would really appreciate if you like that's really offensive we really work hard does that mean I can go take a shit no let's just say that the toilet is not for you anymore just speaking in tongues just and I'm very confused oh shit we did the salsa I mean we did the salsa song I really have to shit guys I think there's a I think there's a big bowl of salsa inside my body that's okay let it brew it's going closer and closer to my asshole I'm just gonna check yeah Josh has to tell you okay this happened last time and someone ate a Carolina Reaper look that's another offer just for you this one is double the discount of the last one Wow 100% decrease on that offer have a look guys what do we do yeah what's going on so maybe if we curse away his hands oh my god yes we put two yeah two butt cheeks and he'll think that he'll think that he's the asshole and he'll not he won't need to check it anymore because he is it instead of butt cheeks they need to be feet because then your fingers arms are his legs and because what's attached to his butthole I feel like butt cheeks are a better option all right let's go okay guys we really need to fix I think something's affecting him okay we're gonna cut to Damon for a bit you're back David you look like shit how's your asshole it's still intact now can you please answer the question seven times eight seven times eight what's the answer to that question you fucking cretin don't repeat the question to me answer the question what is seven times eight for fuck's sake what is it what is it get rid of him get rid of him you're back up he's gone get the fuck out of my side oh sorry I just I really try I tried to look at my asshole before but I just I stumbled and fell on my head and bumped it oh that's such a shame hey Tom yeah there's something I've just been trying to check my asshole for the last 20 minutes because you said you know you definitely have an asshole which makes you think maybe I don't have an asshole but why would I not have an asshole so I really just want to check it you've gotten us completely wrong do you know why we got rid of your butthole I mean wait sorry do you know why we were telling you if you have a butthole you definitely have one you definitely have one so I can check no no no trust us this is the thing you don't get this is the fucking thing if you don't hear us say you've got a butthole and then you want to check it you don't trust him you don't trust her you don't trust me I'm just gonna check my butthole no no oh my god you fucking bastards what what is it you've only bloody gone and sewn it up that's not that scar is right no we didn't sew it up we just got rid of it that was my that was my scrotum sorry I don't have a butthole you guys are taking away my butthole yes what can you please explain this to me why why have you taken away my butthole well I really have to shit and I can't get it out do you feel like there's a little bit of a little bit of a feeling pressure putting in your neck there's something rising up you mentioned it yeah there's a little bit of a tickling oh oh please have the bucket oh no question please honor the third question you know what the third question is how you feeling I feel I feel okay that's the incorrect answer okay I'm sorry Damon but we gave you so many chances to answer that correctly and you just round of applause for dame everyone good sport good school for being on the show thank you all for watching what has to be the most wild to crack a milk podcast yet shout out to our discord again good we love you boys let him suffer what why would you do that to me I really don't know how to video I'm going to make shit come out of my mouth but okay hey Tom yep this is my hey Tom yep stop talking shit hey you look like shit let's quickly come back to our final diamond cam David can't get up and get up and quick don't have time we got time hey baby we got all the time in the way baby are you doing Damon answer the third question please honor the third question you know what the third question is how you feeling I feel I feel okay that's the incorrect answer okay get rid of him get rid of him he's out of you gone you got he gone I'm sorry Damon but we gave you so many chances to answer that correctly and you just round of applause for dame everyone it's more good school for being on the show thank you all for watching what has to be the most wild a crack a milk podcast yet shout out to our discord again good we love you boys love you horse got the demon cam quickly look at that face |
cracked | homeland_scarecurity | No, leukaemia is not one of the diseases you can transmit sexually after rewrite the whole third act sway. Oh, Brian I need you war dogs in my office. Oh now hundred hours before because I got some homemade pie. Yeah, I'd like your thought song Wow, this is really good There's this time you used I'm certainly healing my hunger wound Wrong time at the right place Well, how are we gonna get back on track now? All right, you retarded versions of avid and Costello Listen up the United States Secret Service is here One of our articles set off a red flag in their database and it looks like they want to make sure crack.com isn't some terrorist organization, okay Sarge I am sorry about that and just so you know, I am on this Okay, I've dealt with this kind of thing before you serious doing right hold these for a few seconds for me Daniel I just got to go put some things in order for the interview But you tell the Secret Service that Michael Swain is psyched about this kids still say that right psyched not you they're worried about Michael it's Dan What could I have possibly done to alert the Secret Service I've never even jaywalked Maybe you read it wrong Sarge on account of one of your eyes is up in heaven with the other well-behaved eyes They were a little vague, but it was either this article you wrote on fast food or this one Entitled six helpful hints for blowing up the Statue of Liberty that It's just nonsense and there weren't nearly enough schematics. I was like Rick down there Rick is blind Listen, if anyone at this company is a threat to national security, it is Michael and we all know damn straight I can out terror principal balding any day of the shark week They just want to interview a few employees as long as we're honest, then we oh sweet Jesus Michael Did you just pull the pin out of a live hand grenade pay attention to me?
Dan O'Brien sometimes just do B. I'm 24 years old I'm about 110 and loving my country years Please don't you know my name is Michael Swain aliases Mike danger dirty Mike danger dirt Turtle neck dirt Turtle neck shirt dirty doc. May I ask your real name age and birthplace? You may not you may ask my rank your Although when you get to my level the way we quantify rank is so advanced You wouldn't be able to comprehend how much higher than yours it is.
I think I can I'm a star Sorry, I just don't see how my romantic life is relevant to this discussion. Aren't you dating Daniel O'Brien? Oh?
Yes, I should really write that down here You tell your readers to quote show so much dynamite down Lady Liberty's sexy throat that her farts smell like natural glycerin And she poops a Wile E. Coyote cartoon end quote and that's what that looks like Hey, you guys don't mind if I've been drinking for like two and a half hours, right care to explain that Uh Wile E. Coyote was famous for his over-the-top use of dynamite and poops are hilarious mr. Swame if you're nervous. I want you to know that you've got nothing to worry about No one in the United States government thinks you're a threat Can I ask how you lost your eye? I was out doing something well above your pay grade, and I had an accident Although I'm surprised you didn't hear about it. It was coded into all the papers You haven't yet earned the right to be aware of I'm the wild and unpredictable one I mail heroin to kids. I make bald eagle egg omelets that I don't even finish I rent video games and then keep the manual have you ever defaced a statute before American or otherwise no Did you know I have knives?
Everywhere just all over the world. I've planted them.
Do you find the Statue of Liberty to be sexually attractive? No Okay, nice. Oh my god.
What is it? Is it a knife? It is nice Could you look in your jacket pocket and tell me what you find?
It's a knife It is a knife, and I placed it there if the Statue of Liberty was a person Do you think you'd have a problem with her look you're not gonna trick me into saying I hate the Statue of Liberty because of The government something something whatever it takes to get on your people's radar you were a statue okay, okay? I love America all right. It's very basic stuff. It's not treason in fact It's the opposite by exercising my freedom to write such outlandish and taboo things I'm embracing the very foundation upon which this nation was built I'm celebrating its essence if Patrick Henry was alive today He would wipe his ass with the American flag as an unapologetic way of saying Thank you for blessing me with the hammer of freedom so that I may nail my beliefs onto the wall of tyranny What if the Statue of Liberty killed your parents would you seek vengeance all right? That's plenty I'm sorry this interviews over I Could show you a badge that gives me that authority, but I'd have to blind you after looking at it So it turns out they just wanted us to take the articles down and hand over the names and addresses of everyone who commented in Agreements Secret Service is gonna hassle our commenters. Yep. I have no problem with that Asalaam alaikum to you, too Well, I'm done what I miss did one of you just call the White House and threaten the vice president in Arabic bingo Took a learning annex class well as hilarious as that was it means we're gonna have to interview everyone again So don't take off just yet Yay, everyone's paying attention to me |
TheOnion | Heartbroken_Santorum_Condemns_Gay_Marriage_For_Two_Timing_Jerks_Like_Nick | Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum, a staunch opponent of gay marriage, launched a bold new coalition today called Americans Protecting Marriage From Homosexual Jerks Like Nicholas Wiseman. In an interview with The Boston Beacon, Santorum said, quote, gay men like Nick Wiseman are endangering the institution of marriage in this country by breaking the hearts of men who have done nothing but love them with their entire souls just so they can run off with some stupid muscle-bound slut.
For some insight, we're joined by Piper Cahill. Piper, welcome. Hi, thanks Andrea. All right, Piper.
Who is Nicholas Wiseman? Well, Andrea, Wiseman is a personal trainer from Philadelphia who became engaged last night to his boyfriend, backup dancer Mario Fuentes, after what seems to be a whirlwind three-week romance.
OK, so is Santorum making an example of them because of the haste of their engagement? I think so, because it demonstrates a disregard for the sanctity of marriage.
I see. Well, he's certainly being very aggressive. Just look at the barrage of tweets that he's written today. Right.
He tweeted, quote, gay marriage isn't natural. And you know what else isn't natural?
Getting engaged to someone just because he has nice pecs. OK.
Now, some critics are going to accuse Santorum of trying to stir up a hot button topic to distract voters from the real issues. Is that what's happening? No, Andrea, I don't think he's doing that.
When he gave a speech in Ohio earlier this morning, you could tell how deeply he cares about the issue. He just cried silently at the podium for 15 minutes straight and then locked himself in the bathroom for several hours.
OK. Well, that goes without saying that gay advocacy groups are probably quite angry about this initiative, right? You know, one might think that, but they aren't.
We have a video released from Tim Hobart of the Freedom to Marry organization. All right, let's take a look at that video. While we may disagree with Mr. Santorum's views on gay marriage, we can definitely understand where he's coming from on this.
Many of us were in the club that night and think Nick acted like a real bitch. We don't know what he's doing with Mario.
Very interesting. Any clue about how much this might affect Santorum's poll numbers? Well, you know, we've seen this sort of strong stance on a micro issue make a big difference in a campaign. Well, we have. You might remember that Newt Gingrich got a big jump when he came out as pro-choice in cases where a love child could be a political liability.
That's right. I remember that one. Well, Piper, as always, thank you for your insight. OK. Now, it looks like Jason Copeland has a breaking update on this story. Let's go to the 2012 Democra grid. Jason. Yes, Andrea. According to sources in Pennsylvania, Santorum was so distraught about the issue of gay marriage that just minutes ago, he threw himself off these rocky cliffs on the coast of Lake Erie. Oh, my goodness. Well, he's OK. He was rescued by some local fishermen, but apparently they heard him scream, quote, Nick Wiseman, you'll be sorry you ruined something so beautiful, right before he jumped. And I assume by something so beautiful, he was referring to the institution of marriage. Yeah, I assume so. All right. Thank you so much, Jason Copeland in the Democra grid. Moving on.
Could Mitt Romney's dropping poll numbers be linked to the weird fingerless gloves he's been wearing everywhere? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_chloe_fineman_and_sarah_sherman_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. Good evening. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, four Presidents visited New York City at the same time on Thursday, three to do a joint fundraiser at Radio City, and one selling bibles door-to-door. Donald Trump has partnered with Country music star Lee Greenwood to sell a $60 special edition of the Bible that also includes the Constitution, the lyrics to Greenwood's God Bless the Usa, and I assume God's letter of resignation. this bible is mostly the same, but Trump's version ends with Jesus' disciples storming Jerusalem to overturn the results of the crucifixion. Trump also posted this video urging his followers to buy it. many. I actually believe he has many bibles. I'm sure he's been sent thousands of Bibles with a note that says, please read this. more than 5,000 people attended a democratic fundraiser at Radio City Music Hall featuring big-name celebrities like Barack Obama, Stephen Colbert, and Lizzo, as well as lesser-known celebrities like President Joe Biden. this week, Baltimore's Francis Scott Key bridge collapsed after it was struck by a cargo ship that was carrying, you won't believe it, Boeing airplanes.
President Biden said Friday that he would visit the site of the Baltimore Bridge collapse because, like that bridge, Biden is no longer connecting with Black communities. you gotta read the polls. Wow. Donald Trump shared a video Friday of a truck driving in Long Island with a picture on the back of President Biden tied up with a rope. And I'd love to know where to get one of those, because if you have that on the back of your car, you are never getting pulled over by a cop. Nbc News cut ties with Ronna Mcdaniel after many network hosts protested her hiring, and I'm actually very disappointed, only because I thought Ronna Mcdaniel was a drag version of Ronald Mcdonald. Florida Governor Ron Desantis, seen here remembering his Presidential campaign, signed a bill that will ban social media accounts for younger teenagers, but Florida's older teenagers can keep their social media accounts because they need a place to post their sonograms.
La Dodgers star Shohei Otani was forced to fire his interpreter over gambling and theft allegations. reach for comment. Otani said something in Japanese. it's no way of knowing what he said. the Ceo of Boeing announced that he's stepping down in the wake of the company's ongoing safety issues, and on his way out, he held up a bunch of nuts and bolts and said, good luck figuring out where these were supposed to go.
Vice President Kamala Harris praised Beyonce for her new Country album, saying that she has reclaimed country music's black roots.
Um, I'm sorry, Hootie? no love for Hootie! Following Kate Middleton's announcement last week revealing her heartbreaking health update, many came under fire for spreading irresponsible conspiracy theories about Kate. here to comment is: Tiktoker Piper Dunster. thanks for having me. thanks for being here. So what are your thoughts on all these Kate-spiracy theorists on social media? you're so messed up. Seriously, you all should be ashamed of yourselves. you couldn't give this woman one ounce of privacy. Also, I'm sorry, but some of their theories are just dumb.
Yeah. it's interesting, because I actually watched a couple of your tiktoks from a few weeks ago. can we watch one of those? when you realize the letters in Kate Middleton rearranged? Um, So yeah, I briefly hopped on the bandwagon, But you have to understand, I'm a stay-at-home mom who prefers not to think about her kids. This is all I have. But I swear, normally I am very, very careful about what I post on social media. really? Well, let's just flip through a couple of your tiktoks. there's this one from 2022.
Finally, a politician we can believe in. Two words,: George Santos. Yeah, there was that. And there was also this one from this summer.
Guys, you've got to get on the wait list for the Titanic submersible. There's a wait list. There's a wait list, yeah. there's also this one from this week.
Manhattan Girlie, Listen here, listen here. get out of your apartment and go for a walk. I mean, what do you think the worst is going to happen to? you get punched? doesn't age well? A weekend, yeah. Or how about this one from 2019? Okay, for everyone asking in the comments, the secret to my casserole? Wet Market Death. Okay, okay, I'll admit, my tiktok takes are a little questionable. But hey, hey, look on the bright side. pretty soon they might ban the app, and all my flop predictions will be erased from the internet. right, right. because we also found your old myspace page. I'm going to marry my favorite member of Nsync, Lance Bass. hottest and the straightest. Okay, Tiktoker Piper Dunster, everyone. Disneyland! Call her. A number of sports bars around the country are promising to only show women's basketball games during March Madness. the bars are known collectively as the empty Ones. it was announced that Stumpy, a beloved Japanese cherry blossom tree in Washington, D.c. will be chopped down because of old age and because of its actions. on January 6th. the Oscar-winning movie Oppenheimer, finally premiered yesterday in Japan without warning. one person shrieked. fans of the Hoifang Sriracha hot sauce are complaining that the condiment is not as hot as it used to be, and yet everyone gets upset when I make the same complaint about the cast of stranger Things. what's wrong with you, man?
It was reported that. it was reported that for the first time ever, a robotic police dog was shot in the line of duty. Well, now it's a robotic police dog.
A soccer match between the U.s. and Mexico was briefly stopped because of homophobic chants from the crowd. Meanwhile, homophobic chants are how you officially start games in Boston. pet experts are warning people not to bring their dogs to watch.
Next month's Solar Eclipse saying that it couldn't be too stressful for them. pet experts also want you to know that they're looking for real work. an elderly woman in England who spent the night caring for a sick hedgehog was shocked when she took the animal to a vet and discovered it was actually a pom-pom from a hat. she said she couldn't wait to laugh about the incident with her husband. that's sweet. I like that. that's nice. And in other animal News, after Flaco, the famous New York City owl, flew into a building and died, an autopsy revealed that he had dangerous amounts of rat poison in his system as well as a severe case of pigeon herpes. Here with her reaction to this news is Flaco's Widow.
I wish I could be here under better circumstances. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is the only circumstance you would be here under.
So why don't you tell me about your late husband. who? your late husband, Flaco. Oh, sorry. I thought I saw a mouse. ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Okay. all right.
Well, what do you think about Flaco's autopsy revealing that he had a severe case of pigeon herpes? Oh, hey, thanks for bringing that up, Colin. it's what every widow wants to hear. your dead husband had severe herpes. And by the way, why was there even an autopsy when a bird basically explodes into the side of a building? Who's like, how did he die? Well, I don't know. some people think that autopsies can help bring a sense of closure. Yeah, but the phrase pigeon herpes kind of raises more questions than answers, Colin. questions like, is that what my bumps are? Okay. and how did he get pigeon herpes?
Well, the only pigeon we knew was our sexy nanny. And why is the media always tearing great men down, you know? there's always Fdr had a mistress, or Mlk had a mistress, or Colin Jost had an underage mistress, or Flaco went blind from severe herpes. wait, what? ooh. ooh. ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. All right. no dummy, okay? Flaco banged anything with a pair of wings. eagles, parrots, flying squirrels. I once caught him dipping tip in a frozen turkey. And I bet he's up in heaven right now putting it down at one of those angels. But you know how it is, Colin. you know how it is when you're married to a big-time celebrity. they get to have sex with whoever they want. And there's nothing we can do about it, right, brother? them's the rules. But why did it have to be pigeons, Colin? it's humiliating. they're a bunch of chrome-pecking skanks.
But hey, I get it. their next game is insane. Okay. ooh, ooh, ooh. yeah, go back to it.
You know, I'm really sorry. I know this must be tough for you, you know. Ew, Colin. are you coming on to me? no, I'm not. you know, my husband just died, right? Okay, I'm sorry. although, you are my type. Oh, really? what type is that? nocturnal predator.
Flaco's widow, everyone. Hey, we can have you on college news. I'm Michael Chewie. Good night.
I wish I could be here under better circumstances. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is the only circumstance you would be here under.
So why don't you tell me about your late husband? Who? your late husband, Flaco.
Oh, sorry. I thought I saw a mouse. Who, Who, who, Who, Who, Who, Who, Who, who.
Okay. all right. well, what do you think about Flaco's autopsy revealing that he had a severe case of pigeon herpes? Oh, hey, thanks for bringing that up, Colin. it's what every widow wants to hear. your dead husband had severe herpes. And by the way, why was there even an autopsy when a bird basically explodes into the side of a building? Who's like, how did he die? Well, I don't know. you know, some people think that autopsies can help bring a sense of closure. Yeah, but the phrase pigeon herpes kind of raises more questions than answers, Colin. questions like, is that what my bumps are? Okay. and, and, and how did he get pigeon herpes? Well, the only pigeon we knew was our sexy nanny.
And why is the media always tearing great men down, you know? It's always Fdr had a mistress or Mlk had a mistress. Fdr had a mistress, or Mlk had a mistress. Or Colin Jost had an underage mistress.
Or or Flaco went blind from severe herpes. wait, what? who? who? All right. But Colin, I'm no dummy, okay? Flaco banged anything with a pair of wings. I mean, eagles, parrots, flying squirrels. I once caught him dipping tip in a frozen turkey. I bet he's up in heaven right now putting it down in one of those angels. But you know how it is, Colin. you know how it is when you're married to a big time celebrity. they get to have sex with whoever they want. And there's nothing we can do about it, right, brother? them's the rules. But why did it have to be pigeons, Colin? it's humiliating. they're a bunch of chrome pecking skanks. But hey, I get it. their neck game is insane. Okay. yeah. yeah, come back to the.
You know, I'm really sorry. I know this must be tough for you, you know. Ew, Colin. are you coming on to me? No, I'm not. you know, my husband just died, right? Okay, I'm sorry. Although, you are my type. Oh, really? what type is that?
Nocturnal predator. Flaco's widow, everyone. hey, we can have you on college news. I'm Michael Jay. good night. thanks for watching. |
dropout | wrestling_analogies_and_d_ck_comparisons_comment_show | Hey welcome to the comment show the only show on College Humor we do not edit that out.
I'm joined this week by College Humor writer reformers Adam Conover and Brian Murphy hey how's it going who literally just walked in from the DMV yes how was it I was there for like four hours I had to go to two separate DMV's so I'm in a great mood and Pat just filed his taxes so we're all in great places right now I had ice cream before this it was government ice cream we have a ton of comments to get through we do not know what they say they could be compliments they could be insults they can be making fun of your glasses those are the glasses I have perfect eyesight so I'm good and I think our first one is from Game of Thrones recap which is a video you and I wrote is there gonna be a link is it over here no awkwardly enough no there's it's down we're gonna put potholes where you just pointed all your fingers in all those directions excuse it HTTP the Jared the Jared long says I've never seen the show and I thought this all true up until he said everyone likes Joffrey now I'm sad because that all sounded really cool just to give to the video it's a wall this is basically a one of those like a parody of those recaps yeah but it's just wall-to-wall wrong everything's false famously people don't like Joffrey right people are like like Oh Joffrey I love to hate them or what how far how far into the video was that there is a fire it's like two minutes in or something it's after we've said like I think it's after we showed clip from Willow this means that at least to Jared the Jared long that is the most popular thing about the show is that Joffrey is a dick he also said yeah you're right we said you said Jon Snow fucks a snowboarder yeah so yeah and willow weren't like red flags birth why don't you sure should we do a Bitcoin sketch written by Mike trap my track yeah that TGE Jesse says the sad part is that funny graph is actually the price graph and there goes all my money I'm so sorry I think the only one of the three of us that hasn't invested in Bitcoin yeah I never did I never did either I thought you did no I have a Bitcoin and it has dropped $500 you were gonna switch to dogecoin I was gonna switch to doge texted me at two in the morning and said I have a great idea I'm going to convert all of my Bitcoin to dogecoin coins going up how many you're texting someone that I have a good financial idea that is not a good financial idea next up is are you smarter than a duck which was a non-scripted video where three of us and Emily compete against a motherfucking mallard in a trivia contest and we all beat the duck except Murph right yeah I lost pretty handily too I think I lost by like Johnny HR says that was stupid the duck should have won he did kind of win he beat Murph yeah yeah expectations of animals I mean what I like about the duck not winning is that it's just real like we this was not a sketch we didn't write the duck shouldn't nothing should have happened this was like fate determined fate wrote this sketch such a McConaughey patty MCG McG I don't know I like to think of McConaughey as a ps4 and DiCaprio as an Xbox one this is the commentiest comment of all time I like to think of McConaughey as a ps4 and DiCaprio as an Xbox one McConaughey came out of nowhere and left DiCaprio in the dust the problem with DiCaprio is that like whenever you watch one of his movies he insists that there's a camera there watching you too maybe they meant that like the Xbox one DiCaprio is getting uglier with every year early Xbox systems in general like his face is getting wider have you noticed that your response to Game of Thrones recap how the fuck did you manage a willow reference it has a little bit cuz it does like definitely an offensive joke it's what makes fun of Tyrion's dwarfism that's not a slur I'm almost positive that's not just that's not a bad thing like 99% sure you know you're you're probably the most socially just conscious of all this Peter Dinklage and and Warwick Davis are both little person actors right and successful ones and there was they're both great actually I would say Peter Dinklage is number one like in the world of like the whole history of filmmaking I feel like number two is Warwick Davis and three is probably we meant actually we meant probably no seriously if you take the three jackets we're in Troyer all can you side oh fuck right this is from infamous gaming crap I think I'm a McConaughey are there support groups or something maybe an 800 number I can call why would you want support group it's like yeah he's afraid that he's such a chill dude but he's also a genius Jordan Windham Benford oh using the new Google Plus full name feature Jordan Windham Benford a Game of Thrones character himself says I read the books I'm nerdy like that I guess I should tell you all the wait until Rob Stark finds the Stargate and takes his 30 brave men to fight the dragons I'll fuck you Jordan spoiling the whole thing I will say I hated that dude for about five words and now I really like it logic is needed said fuck you college humor for capitalizing every word in your sentence fuck you and this is written in all caps wait that's how you capitalize titles in English is you capitalize every word in the title of something yeah here's our card right should we do all capitalized a lowercase because that's a that's a conjunction Bitcoin sketch logic is needed copy of The Elements of Style by Strunk and White is needed that's right RA and the OM says I can already hear PETA screaming at outrage my I live right near like the LA PETA office or one of them I guess and there's a right before Thanksgiving there was a huge billboard that said like you wouldn't eat your dog why would you eat a turkey what it did for me was like oh maybe I could eat my dog they're right why don't I eat my dog Amber Lee Smith from YouTube says I love it can you do Once Upon a Time next that is the that's that ABC show that show if we were I had to watch one episode of it once that show if we tried to do a fake recap where everything was different it would be indistinguishable from the real show that show makes no sense yeah Once Upon a Time God you watch that and you watch us how's that even possible Amber Lee Smith I am mostly fascinated by the name Amber Lee Amber Lee that's a great I wish I would have thought of that for like a character for a script yeah and it's a CrossFit Amber and Kimberly it's a little bit of a Game of Thrones name big ice 99 I used to swear Adam and the guy playing the host were the same person only when I see them together do I see the difference all right I mean you're not Sam Reich he's sitting right there I think we look like like kind of similar right we move the glasses we're both blonde and we have some amount of facial hair but that's about that's about it right here's the reason people think that we look the same is you guys have never seen our dicks our dicks are why it takes really different mine is so small super thick though so yeah this is really skinny yeah but with a very pronounced mushroom tip yeah Sam's looks like you took play-doh went like this luckily my wife's vagina is inverse shape inverse shaped like the inverse the same weird shape oh yeah yes okay yes I can picture it when I first started college humor people used to think that I was trying to replace a mirror like as if college humor was just like well we need to bring up another dude with a black framed glasses so we can phase a mirror out like why can't we both exist Joel King thing says oh Adam is there no end to your witty mind games no with Adam ruins everything which spells it out right in the title and with the game of thrones there is a ongoing theme of you fucking with people that oh that's a good what do you think makes you a sociopath I think it's my total lack of emotion or empathy and my ability to convincingly act as though I feel emotions in such a situation very psychological answer well zark warts on the such a mcconaughey video said you guys should make a vid about return it vikings he's trying to say retarded I guess I look for returned vikings next week during Murph and Emily as a pair of returned vikings this is actually an interesting comment it's on such mcconaughey Matt Shae 369 says this video is just one big analogy for college humor oh that's kind of seems stupid but it's also kind of smart I'll be explaining my job to a relative or something they'll be like oh what do you do like where do you work and I'll be like at college humor they're like oh a lot of like dorm jokes and stuff yeah room there beer bong so I'm just like no no yeah I also make jokes about Matthew mcconaughey yeah I just live like much easier they think I'm a surgeon he's come home for Thanksgiving like in scrubs covered in blood oh man hard day lost one so sad it does like that we have to call it shimmer even though like frankly we're not funny anymore it should be stuff I've said this before but I think we need to do do a hunter Hearst Helmsley to Triple H transition and become CH and again we're not growing any more so you're saying oh right okay we're going to anything in terms of wrestling analogies yeah like explain like right now right now you're fucking me over so you're like like Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon in the Montreal screwdriver at heart can you explain the heartbleed security flaw in terms of wrestling that's like when the giant betrayed WCW and joined the NWO it's like the last bastion of hope like the one thing you think was secure another member of the NWO dude all right that's it for this week's comment show thanks Adam thanks Murphy I thank all of you for coming that's not that will not happen at the end of every episode of promise yeah be sure and subscribe to our YouTube channel and you can also check us out all over the internet college humor calm and especially our reddit which we all love yeah college humor and I think that's it see you next week |
dropout | Does_Liking_Murder_Podcasts_Make_You_FREAKY | Deletin' all the emails I don't want to read.
No. Raph. No. Raph. Oh.
I'm sorry, I'm just being a total freak over here. Yeah, you're just being kind of loud. I'm listening to a freaky little murder podcast. Yeah, I love those. Do you mind just keeping it down?
You don't get it. This is not one of your regular podcasts, you know, where they cover stuff like the news or improv comedy. No.
This is dark and twisted because it's about real people, Lily, getting killed.
Yeah. Those are pretty popular.
What are you listening to? Just a little podcast called Serial. Did they come out with a new season? This guy, Adnan, might have killed his girlfriend, and now I just have to get all the gory details blasted into my tight little ear holes.
Yeah, that's just the first season that came out years ago, dude. This crime happened years ago, and it's still unsolved.
So spooky. Sometimes, if I'm feeling really bad, I'll listen to it at home. The place where I'm supposed to feel safe, you know, cooking myself up a little dinner, maybe shampooing my little body. Instead, I'm listening to Tales of Bloody Murder. Yeah, I do that all the time, except for the shampooing the body. That is weird.
Like, I listen to them before bedtime, and I'm in a group chat with my gal pals where we talk about the latest episodes. There's a ton of true crime podcasts out there. I listen to other stuff, too. If I really want to piss my pants in terror and learn about a sick crime for a little sick freak like me, I'll listen to my favorite murderer. The Comedy Murder Podcast? Oh, I ain't laughing. Matter of fact, the freak police better come arrest me, because once I listen to one episode, I get a craving for more murder episodes. I'm like a sex addict, except for experts and storytellers talking about murders.
That's just a regular addict. Lily, I got something I need to admit to you. What?
Sometimes, if I listen to a really fucked up episode, I get these dark urges. It's like an urge to feast my freaky little eyes on a documentary television series that covers crimes. To not only listen to them, but to actually watch them conduct these interviews with these poor family members. That is very normal. The drinks, making a murderer, those are all hit shows. I'm pretty sure the Investigation Discovery Channel runs on that stuff 24-7. And if that doesn't save me, I gotta jump over to Wikipedia to search where they're from or to look for similar murders.
I do that for hours. I can't stop. I'm helpless to this dark puppetry controlling me.
Very normal to go down a Wikipedia rabbit hole. I think Ted Bundy's kinda cute.
No! That's why Zac Efron plays him in a movie! Oh, the wicked lust! I guess we all have this bubbly evil inside of us.
You know there was a time where I didn't think that I could ever do a murder? Now I don't know. Maybe I could.
You cry when you see blood. Oh! Mommy!
Look, Raph, I think it's great that you've discovered you like true crime, but it is not weird or twisted or freaky to like stories, even if they are messed up and true. Like for me, I like murder podcasts because they allow me to safely confront dangerous situations. Especially as a woman in this day and age where I'm constantly made to feel unsafe, I think it actually gives me a sense of control. I like it because I'm a little weirdo.
Ugh! Too real! Too scary!
Hey, it's Lily.
If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout for the low price of five items off the dollar menu per month. You do the math. You'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live in the Dropout Discord and get exclusive content like Dimension 20. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? Sign up for your free trial today.
Did you do the math from earlier? And if you did, can you tell me how much it was? Because I'm bad with numbers. Five, five times one. |
dropout | hardly_working_new_editor | Hey, how's it going? I'm Dan. Convenience Dan. Since you're the new editor, we were thinking we could get you started editing this hardly working. Sounds good. Alright, cool. Let's walk and talk.
Violence can be really fun. We do a lot of stuff with fake violence. A bottle of fake blood.
I mean, basically, just watch. And that moment of impact is hilarious. Continuity is obviously important. I know. Errors like that really take you out of the video. Totally. So just pay attention to that.
To what? Continuity errors. What are those? What do you mean?
I'm just kidding. I'm an editor. Oh. Yeah, I do that. Well, Adam, those are my ground rules. I know it's hump day, but I'd like you to edit this by four. I don't mean to be a pain in the ass or a nagging mom, but I'm just making you earn your money.
Adam rules.
I'd like to pump my mom in the ass for money. You are fucking fired! |
SaturdayNightLive | exorcism_snl | Can you save her? can you save my daughter?
I mean, Father Murphy, I can't perform an exorcism alone. you are going to Hell! I'm going to Hell!
Honey, hear my voice! I know you're still in there, Claire. did someone just knock on our door?
Uh, it's the middle of the night. What is all the ruckus?
Oh, Father, this is our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Shaw. yeah, and I saw her been asleep 45 minutes ago. But I guess you all decided to throw a party on a Tuesday. this isn't a party, Mrs. Shaw. it's our daughter. she's been possessed. we're waiting for Father Murphy.
Oh, don't have to wait for him. I'll do it. Do what? the exorcism.
I'm getting my sleep tonight. you don't scare me, sweetie. you should be careful. you're in over your head. in over my head? I'll have you know, I have been a crossing guard at Nasa on Edgemont for 40 years. that's six lanes. every day, I'm the only thing stopping 300 mean fifth-graders from getting sent straight to hell by a Ups truck. Now, wait across that. give it here. uh, uh, I think I'm here. Okay, hello? yeah, okay, you need to get out. uh, uh, uh, use your words. suck my butt! no, ma'am, I'll do all that. I talked sadly once, and I was like, this ain't for me. maybe we should just wait for the priest, Mrs. Shaw? oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I need to get my eight hours. uh-oh. where is she going? you're going to hell, you stupid whore. stupid. What Now? Oh, honey, you're going to have to do much better than that. yesterday, a third grader called me a used-up skank. what else you got? come on. you're ugly. um, um, um, um, what? look at you, stuttering. Now, sit your ass down, baby, before I turn on the ceiling fan. that's what I thought.
God, is it working? Yeah, it is. That is exactly what I thought. let me out. she's expelling the demon.
Quick. we'll need a new vessel. Oh, okay, dear, I got you. I got you. I got you a vessel, all right.
Frank! get down here, Frank! uh, woman, what you want? I'm trying to sleep. so you can't sleep when you're talking. And, little girl, your ass better not be levitating back there. Sorry, Miss Shaw. mm-hmm. thank you, baby. waking my ass up at 9 p.m. in the middle of the night. we doing the exorcism, Frank. yeah, well, I sure would have been asleep 47 minutes ago. Yeah, we know, baby. Now you got to be a vessel for this here demon. Well, I don't want to do that. Frank, if you don't do it, I'm going to cancel our sex date next week. Oh, okay. I'm going to Found my weeks back. let me just get situated first, All right? come on now, Demon. do your worst.
What just happened? Why are there shawls in our house? Shaw, don't they be asleep? Oh, my God. this Is Shaw. we can't thank you enough. yeah, it's all good. y'all stay tight now. come on, Frank. Frank?
I don't like Disney! |
cracked | why_more_games_should_be_like_pokemon_snap | So guys, uh, this is the best game ever made Coming in hot coming in hot It's called Pokemon snap. It's a game where you're Todd snap and you live in the Pokemon universe But you're not a trainer.
You're not anyone important. You don't run a gym. You don't get badges You don't battle Pokemon, but you do find Pokemon and you take photos of them your photographer So this came out in 1999.
That seems about right. Yeah. Yeah, it seems about right for the time So previous to Pokemon go there was Pokemon snap.
Yes, it's technically a first-person rail shooter But instead of you know shooting enemies you are you're shooting film. You're shooting film with Todd snap Todd snap.
All right remind me. Todd snap a character in the Is he a canonical character?
Here's the thing not at all So he's not at all involved in any of the storylines He doesn't seem to have his own Pokemon, which is you know part of the universe Um, he seems almost not connected whatsoever to the Pokemon universe except that he likes to take photos of him Oh, so he's like the Pokemon paparazzi. So you have a certain set of like camera reels. You can't just you know You can't just photograph everything and you have to like some Pokemon you need to entice them So you have to get like apples or you have to buy things to get them in the correct pose But you can see how this is a super relaxing game.
The stakes are pretty low Which to me makes a wonderful game. That's like not super stressful like compared right now I'm playing Wolfenstein 2 which I don't know if you guys have played but it's high stress. You know, it's high stress You're killing Nazis. You're uh, you're trying to fix the world and this you're just a guy much Photographing much lower Nazi ratio what's low stress for us?
But like you're clearly chasing some of these animals who don't want to be photographed Oh clearly they're running into the ocean and they can't swim so they really don't So the other part of the game is you're taking these photos And you actually get them graded by Professor Oak Professor Oak in the original TV series. Yes I didn't I don't know any of this just like a side story. So this is like the rogue one of Pokemon This is the rogue one if it had absolutely no effect on Taking photographs of the Death Star Exactly. I think that more games should be like this because to me like one of the most exciting things about like You know Harry Potter and like big fandoms is like the world they create and I think there's a ton of different ways to explore that Like, you know, why isn't there a Harry Potter game where you're just uh, you just own a wand shop Yeah, you want a Harry Potter video game based on the least interesting person in the entire Harry Potter universe Yeah, absolutely sweet. You want to be the person that sorts the magical mail you guys are not convinced Listen as I said, I'm I'm brand new to Pokemon and gaming and so I You know, I don't know what makes a good game But I also don't know if this would be where I spend a lot of my time But but I think it sounds delightful.
I like that.
There are no Nazis.
This reminds me sort of like no man's sky Okay, yeah It's like where you kind of just the whole point is just wandering around and like taking oh look that word fucked up giraffe Let me take a picture that just like I'm just a casual Pokemon observer. Don't care about fighting I care about the pics. That's my favorite time of the game Don't care about that either. No, he's like a nice a National Geographic photographer He's like, well, I can't stop this cheetah from eating that penguin.
That would be wrong, but I'm gonna videotape it Right, although I will say Todd snap does seem to interfere quite often Apart yeah, cuz part of the game is like Apples They're throwing apples. So if we're looking at it from a like an ecological standpoint, he's leaving a big old footprint Yeah, just trying to lure them into the lava. Well, look at that Oh my god, I forgot that that happened An egg into the lava That's pretty dope you have to do special things to make special Pokemon appear that's pretty cool Was it was it ready to have maybe not in my I don't think the world needs a gigantic flaming hawk Immediately upset the ecosystem here this lava world so violent is that cuz of apples are they fighting over apples? Don't know anymore and I guess I kind of forgot how gruesome this was I still love it still my favorite thing, but I did forget that I'm learning a lot about you It definitely explains why you carry a sack full of apples with you wherever you go Hey everyone.
Thanks for watching that video Please click the big C in the middle to subscribe click the bell icon down at the bottom if you want to get notifications We have new videos watch one of the videos over here. I think and Yeah, there are videos everywhere.
Yeah, Apple Apple for a treat It's called Pokemon snap. It's a game where you're Todd snap and you live in the Pokemon universe But you're not a traitor.
You're not anyone important. You don't run a gym.
You don't get badges You don't battle Pokemon, but you do find Pokemon and you take photos of them your photographer So this came out in 1999 that seems about right. Yeah. Yeah, it seems about right for the time Previous to Pokemon go there was Pokemon snap. Yes, it's technically a first-person rail shooter But instead of you know shooting enemies you are You're shooting film with Todd snap Remind me Todd snap a character in the Pokemon Here's the thing not at all. Uh, so he's not at all involved in any of the storylines He doesn't seem to have his own Pokemon, which is you know part of the universe He seems almost not connected whatsoever to the Pokemon universe except that he likes to take photos of him Oh, so he's like the Pokemon paparazzi So you have a certain set of like camera real so you can't just you know You can't just photograph everything and you have to like some Pokemon he needs entice them So you have to get like apples or you have to buy things to get them in the correct pose But you can see how this is a super relaxing game.
The stakes are pretty low Which to me makes a wonderful game. That's like not super stressful like compared right now playing Wolfenstein 2 Which I don't know if you guys have played but it's high stress. You know, it's high stress.
You're killing Nazis. You're You're trying to fix the world and this you're just a guy much Photographing much lower Nazi ratio.
What's low stress for us?
But like you're clearly chasing some of these animals who don't want to be photographed Oh clearly they're running into the ocean and they can't swim.
So they really don't We're just photographing them, but we should be like like hurting them off out of you So the other part of the game is you're taking these photos and you actually get them graded by Professor Oak Who is Professor Oak in the original TV series? Yes, so she is I didn't I don't know any of this Just like a side story. So this is like the Rogue One of Pokemon This is the Rogue One if it had absolutely no effect on Taking photographs Exactly. I think that more games should be like this because to me like one of the most exciting things about like You know Harry Potter and like big fandoms is like the world they create and I think there's a ton of different ways to explore that Like, you know, why isn't there a Harry Potter game where you're just uh, you just own a wand shop So you want a Harry Potter video game based on the least interesting person in the entire Harry Potter universe?
Yeah, absolutely. Sweet. You want to be the person that sorts the magical mail? You guys are not convinced. I can see it Listen, as I said, I'm I'm brand new to Pokemon and gaming and so I You know, I don't know what makes a good game But I also don't know if this would be where I spend a lot of my time But but I think it sounds delightful. I like that.
There are no Nazis.
This reminds me sort of like No Man's Sky Okay, so it's like where you kind of just the whole point is just wandering around and like taking Oh look at that weird f***ed up giraffe. Let me take a picture of that It's like I'm just a casual Pokemon observer.
Don't care about fighting.
I care about the pics. That's my favorite type of game I'm Todd Snap You're saving the Pokemon. Todd Snap. Don't care about that either No, he's like a nice like National Geographic photographer. He's like, well, I can't stop this cheetah from eating that penguin That would be wrong, but I'm gonna videotape it. Right? Although I will say Todd Snap does seem to interfere quite often Apart. Yeah, cuz part of the game is like He's throwing apples at these sons of bitches Yeah, they're throwing apples So if we're looking at it from a like an ecological standpoint, he's leaving a big old footprint Yeah, just trying to lure them into the lava.
Well, look at that Look at that. That duckling doesn't need to be alive anymore. Look at that.
No, he just blew stones He just killed him. He just killed a Pokemon. You killed Charmaine. Oh my god, I Forgot that that happened in the game.
This is natural geography. What does this mean?
Oh my god He just knocked an egg into the lava That's pretty dope. You have to do special things to make special Pokemon appear That's pretty cool. Was it was it ready to hatch?
Maybe not. It might die in a week because it I don't think the world needs a gigantic flaming hawk.
All right, that's a different conversation Immediately upset the ecosystem here. Why is this lava world so violent?
Is it because of apples? Are they fighting over apples? What's happening?
I don't know anymore and I guess I kind of forgot how gruesome this was Uh, I still love it. Still my favorite thing, but I did forget that. I feel like I'm learning a lot about you It definitely explains why you carry a sack full of apples with you wherever you go Hey everyone, thanks for watching that video Um, please click the big C in the middle to subscribe click the bell icon down at the bottom If you want to get notifications, we have new videos watch one of the videos over here, I think and Yeah, there are videos everywhere yeah apple apple apple |
dropout | why_most_internships_are_actually_illegal_adam_ruins_everything | Man, is this my desk? This is so cool. Could we make it a standing desk, though? Standing is really good for you, though I do love to lean on occasion, and squatting has recently been shown there.
No, I don't know. Maybe I should have hired another intern. Ah, yes, the great American intern. They get our coffee, they make our copies, and sure, they may not be paid, but they receive something far more valuable in return. Skills and experience. Finally making some sense, Adam. Maybe it wasn't a big mistake. Yeah, too bad that's a total myth. Internships are nothing but a way for companies to exploit young people for free labor, and in many cases, they're totally illegal. Whoa, really? Just that it gets us coffee and stuff.
Who says that's illegal? The Department of Labor. Who says they say that?
The former Secretary of Labor. Meet Robert Reich. He was Secretary of Labor under Bill Clinton.
Now he lives in this PowerPoint. Yeah, well, times are tough. Hi, Adam.
According to the Labor Department, unpaid internships are only legal if it's for the benefit of the interns, not the company. The payment isn't just the promise of a job at the end. It doesn't displace any regular employees, and it's similar to what you'd learn in an educational environment. Thanks, Bob. Stick around. We're gonna need you later. It's okay, I'll pause myself. And like most unpaid internships, you are blatantly violating these rules.
Trista's doing the work of a secretary. She's not benefiting or learning anything. Yes, she is. She's learning important business terms. Yeah, like tall, grande, pumpkin spice, half-calf. It makes her more employable.
Actually, a new study suggests that unpaid interns go on to have nearly exactly the same hiring rate as people who have never interned at all. Really? Yeah, and because you're not being paid anything, someone else has to support you while you work for free. My mom pays my rent. Yeah, and you're lucky. People from lower income families can't take internships because we have to support ourselves. I literally cannot afford to work here.
That's my stuff. That's an excellent point. Trista, you deserve to get paid as much as anyone, but Benny here is asking you to get coffee for free. And all he's offering in return is the promise of a job that will never come. You know what, Mr. Harris? Get your own damn coffee. If this were full, that would've been really badass.
Hey, I'm Adam from College Humor. If you liked that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Reans Everything, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on TruTV. It's gonna ruin your Tuesday, but trust me, the rest of your week will be fine. |
TheOnion | Judge_Dredge_Courts_Denise_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Good evening, madam. I am very pleased to make your acquaintance. I am Santonio. Yes, I've heard about you, Santonio. Oh, well, everything you've heard is true. I am great. And tell me, what is your nod?
Denise. From the Greek Dionysus, god of winemaking. How is it, Denise, that we've never met?
Well, I just started working for the city on dredging Team B under Iba, the African guy. Ah, yes. Yes, Iba.
He has brought me many items before. Valuable items. And some not so valuable.
I just brought this raincoat we dredged. Ah, please continue. Um, that's it. It's a raincoat. Hmm, okay. All right. Aha.
Well, this raincoat is quite a few years old. And it has several holes in it. And the stitching, much of it, I'm afraid.
Okay. I'm going to be completely honest with you because I believe in honesty.
I could not appraise this raincoat for more than $80.
Oh, my. Oh, yes. It is quite a dredge.
You will be celebrating tonight at Emmanuel's for sure. Emmanuel's? What? You've never been to Emmanuel's?
Oh, but Emmanuel is a good friend of mine. I've appraised many an invaluable item for him.
I'm sure that I could get you the lake view table tonight at sunset. All right. Sunset. |
dropout | why_the_tsa_doesn_t_stop_terrorist_attacks_adam_ruins_everything | It does not stop this time, so I should be back for dinner. Yeah.
Nervous?
No.
We take off our shoes, so it's all very state-of-the-art, so I'm just glad they're here to protect us. Love you. Actually, the TSA doesn't protect us from terrorist attacks. Yeah, I'm not just a stranger, Phil. I have a TV show. And you're on that TV show. No, thank you.
Hi, I'm Adam Conover. Hi, Adam. And this is Adam Ruins Everything. What's happening?
Look, I know that TSA screenings are annoying, but they stop terrorists. Actually, there's very little evidence that the TSA has ever stopped a terrorist, let alone one with a bomb. Hey! Don't say bomb. Wait, wait, wait, haven't they stopped an attack? Not that we know of. They didn't stop the shoe bomber. They didn't stop the underwear bomber. Heck, they probably won't stop the crop top bomber. So it did stop all those bombs.
Easy. All the other security measures we added since 9-11, like reinforced cockpit blast doors, the increased number of air marshals, the heightened awareness of passengers like you and me, and intelligence agencies that work to stop attacks before they even happen. Yeah, we knew about this guy. We replaced his bullets with tic tacs. Mmm, orange. My favorite.
But the TSA does nothing. For one thing, they straight up suck at screening. When the Department of Homeland Security tested them, the TSA failed to find mock weapons and explosives 95% of the time.
No way, really. Hey! You can't bring this knife here. Here are your other knives back. Also, if you wouldn't mind, real big smile.
What filter do you like? Do you like Kelvin?
Mayfair. All day.
Most of the stuff they confiscate is just novelty crap. No, look, that's a grenade. No, that's just a vape that's shaped like a grenade. How is that dangerous? But that's a samurai sword, that's a weapon. No, those aren't weapons, those are replica weapons. And their owner isn't a terrorist, he's a dweeb. And stop calling them samurai swords, it's a Master Sword replica from the Legend of Zelda. Alright, confiscating fake weapons and stopping people from just saying the word bomb. Don't say bomb!
Come on, man. Get up.
Those things do nothing to stop terrorism. They just create the illusion of security. It's a concept called security theater. Good morning, sir. Now won't you step aside, for I perceive the mace your breach is high. The last to waste your villains such as I, who ne'er shall breach thy fine secure time. I feel so safe. Security theater is a show the agency puts on to make it look like they're doing a lot to protect us.
Got another grenade vape. And make sure to tag me, David. Even though they're not. What? Who's that? I was hoping you'd show up. That's Bruce Schneier. He's a renowned expert on security theater. Why is he a scooter?
I'm broadcasting from a secure location and I couldn't get through the metal detector. Anyway, as far as screening goes, what we had before September 11th is actually quite adequate. Taking your shoes off and putting your liquids in a separate bag doesn't actually make you safer. It just makes you feel safer. Well first, the illusion of security isn't worth it if you have to give up essential freedoms and privacy to get it. Hey, watch it! Stop clenching! And secondly, it's dangerous to present the illusion of security when the system is actually quite vulnerable to terrorist attacks.
What? It is?
Oh yeah, even if this screening worked, it would only protect us against the last way we were attacked. It does nothing to stop terrorists from finding new ways to hurt us. The terrorists can see our security. They can figure out how to get around it. So instead of trying to make airports impregnable, we should take the money we're wasting on the TSA and spend it on things that work. Intelligence, investigation, and emergency response. Face it, Phil. The TSA does nothing but violate your privacy and waste your time.
Man, this robot is right! I quit! Oh, these uniforms are very cheap. You're free to go.
Hey, I'm Adam from College Humor. If you like that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Ruins Everything, Tuesdays at 10pm on TruTV.
It's gonna ruin your Tuesday, but trust me, the rest of your week will be fine. Bracelets, metal. If you have a pacemaker, remove it. It's not stopped this time, so I should be back for dinner.
Nervous?
No, no, no. They have body scanners, and they're batting people down, and we have to dig off our shoes. It's all very state of the art, so I'm just glad they're here to protect us. Love you. Actually, the TSA doesn't protect us from terrorist attacks. Yeah, I'm not just a stranger, Phil. I have a TV show, and you're on that TV show. No, thank you.
Hi, I'm Adam Conover. Hi, Adam. And this is Adam Ruins Everything. What's happening?
Look, I know the TSA screenings are annoying, but they stop terrorists. Actually, there's very little evidence that the TSA has ever stopped a terrorist, let alone one with a bomb. Hey! Don't say bomb. Wait, wait, wait, haven't they stopped an attack? Not that we know of. They didn't stop the shoe bomber. They didn't stop the underwear bomber. Heck, they probably won't stop the crop top bomber. So it did stop all those bombers.
Easy. Other security measures we've had since 9-11, like reinforced cockpit blast doors, the increased number of air marshals, the heightened awareness of passengers like you and me, and intelligence agencies that work to stop attacks before they even happen. Yeah, we knew about this guy. We replaced his bullets with Tic Tacs. Mmm, orange. My favorite.
But the TSA does nothing. For one thing, they straight up suck at screening. When the Department of Homeland Security tested them, the TSA failed to find mock weapons and explosives 95% of the time.
No way, really. Hey, you can't bring this knife here. Here are your other knives back.
Also, if you wouldn't mind, real big smile, pose for Instagram. Beautiful. Instagram. Yeah, they post everything they confiscate to Instagram, and it's pretty embarrassing.
What filter do you like? Do you like Kelvin?
Mayfair. Oh, Mayfair. All day.
The way they confiscate is just novelty crap. No, look, that's a grenade. No, that's just a vape that's shaped like a grenade. How is that dangerous?
That's a samurai sword. That's a weapon. No, those aren't weapons. Those are replica weapons. And their owner isn't a terrorist. He's a dweeb. And stop calling them samurai swords. It's a master sword replica from the Legend of Zelda, all right?
Confiscating fake weapons and stopping people from just saying the word bomb. Don't say bomb!
Come on, man. Get up.
These things do nothing to stop terrorism. They just create the illusion of security. It's a concept called security theater.
Good morning, sir. Now, won't you step aside, for I perceive the mace your breach is high. The last waste your villains such as I, who ne'er shall breach thy fine secure time. I feel so safe. Security theater is a show the agency puts on to make it look like they're doing a lot to protect us. About another grenade vape. And make sure to tag me, David. Even though they're not. What? Who's that? I was hoping you'd show up. That's Bruce Schneier. He's a renowned expert on security theater. Why is he a scooter? I'm broadcasting from a secure location.
And I couldn't get through the metal detector. Anyway, as far as screening goes, what we had before September 11th is actually quite adequate. Taking your shoes off and putting your liquids in a separate bag doesn't actually make you safer. It just makes you feel safer. But if you're a scooter, you can't get through the metal detector. Anyway, as far as screening goes, what we had before September 11th is actually quite adequate. Taking your shoes off and putting your liquids in a separate bag doesn't actually make you safer. It just makes you feel safer. But if we feel safer, isn't that good? Well first, the illusion of security isn't worth it if you have to give up essential freedoms and privacy to get it.
Hey! Watch it! Stop clenching!
And secondly, it's dangerous to present the illusion of security when the system is actually quite vulnerable to terrorist attacks. What? It is? How? Yeah, even if this screening worked, it would only protect us against the last way we were attacked.
And that's why we're here. And that's why we're here. on things that work, intelligence, investigation, and emergency response.
Face it, Phil, the TSA does nothing but violate your privacy and waste your time. Man, this robot is right! I quit! Oh, these uniforms are very cheap. You're free to go.
Hey, I'm Adam from College Humor. If you liked that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Reans Everything, Tuesdays at 10pm on TruTV. It's gonna ruin your Tuesday, but trust me, the rest of your week will be fine. |
cracked | 6_most_eerily_convincing_ghost_videos_on_youtube_the_spit_take | Hello the internet, my name's Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and in this episode of The Spit Tape, we're looking at the creepiest horror movie scenes hiding in clips on YouTube. Hey, people who believe in ghosts and alien abductions. We have videos of sharks jumping out of waves to attack surfers and waves devouring entire towns and people taking selfies of themselves in front of all those things. Surely, one of the billions of selfies taken since the beginning of this sentence would catch an alien abducting someone or a ghost that isn't poorly photoshopped into the background. Well, it turns out we've been looking for the wrong things and the stuff we were looking for would be way easier to deal with than any of the shit I'm about to show you.
It takes a beat for your brain to accept the reality that that fluorescent green puddle appears to be darting around, hungrily searching for humans to encircle and digest alive. It looks like it's using its tongue as a feeler until its tongue breaks off and continues feverishly darting around. Apparently, there are multiple species of horrifying alien worms that can actually vomit a second horrifying alien. Why is that thing's vomit turning into a tree and running away from the camera at the same time? That's literally the most impressive thing I've seen vomited since I ate a Taco Bell party pack by myself. These aliens are called ribbon worms. Their vomit is actually a retractable proboscis which it uses to capture prey and the ocean floor is just lousy with them.
Salsam, come here.
This will be our first of the videos that's probably fake but weirdly elaborate for a one-off video buried on YouTube. Anyways, this little girl's probably being held up by a crane someone drove into the middle of the Russian wilderness, but why? What movie about flying Russian children was this elaborately staged video complete with animal actors produced to promote? The enhanced version that was uploaded by someone presumably trying to answer any of those questions only seems to prove that the child's head is capable of bending horrifyingly backwards like some sort of demon-possessed alien. And the most upvoted commenters' best guesses are Red Bull jokes and Die Kinder, Deutschland, Germany, Das Boot, German Steiner, so they don't know either.
Creepy clowns running around cemeteries and city streets scaring people. There have been reports around the country and now here in Chicago too.
It's weird that we stopped making clown monster movies after a made-for-TV miniseries made an entire generation terrified of them, but it turns out reality has been picking up the slack and may I be the first to say, fuck you reality, fuck you right in the mouth. That's a video taken from the window of a taxi in Northampton. Don't worry, it's way worse in slow motion. Presumably based on the unassailable logic that that video and the guy who played the clown in It both came from England, this commenter four years ago cockily bragged about how America's totally free from evil clowns forever and ever, which of course only tempted them to stow away in the nightmares of sleeping children and migrate to our shores. It's being called a creepy craze in California. First of all, I live in California. We would not use the phrase creepy craze to describe what's taking place in that video. More like our very specific worst case scenario come to pants shitting life.
A Springfield resident's surveillance camera caught this creepy clown on his porch. He grabs a pumpkin and then tears it apart. Evil clowns exist and they know where your surveillance cameras are.
These videos were taken in Chicago, further buttressing Jacksonville's claim that this is a California-based craze. And apparently this is happening all over the country.
This clown was seen walking ghostly through a New York cemetery. So Scooby Doo and friends are gonna need to upgrade to a private jet and probably fire Fred. That guy's a f***ing square.
First two minutes and 17 seconds of this video of kids looking for ghosts in an abandoned school in Iraq delivers the same thing every ghost hunter video has up to this point in history. Bad camera work by extremely freaked out people failing to capture a single f***ing paranormal thing. And then, right as you're about to get fed up, the afternoon prayer moans eerily to life out on the streets and this happens. A headless ghost apparates into existence and walks towards the camera as nobody freaks out or even comments on it. Come the f*** on ghost hunters. This is the one freak out you actually earned and everyone's just like, okay, empty room. Now a headless ghost is coming towards us. So nothing weird there, moving on.
Commenters have suggested it's one of the boys in the room and the light had actually blotted him out prior to that moment. And sure, it's probably a trick of lighting since, you know, ghosts don't exist outside the minds of crazy people and southerners. But that trick of lighting sure looks like a headless ghost materializing in a room where people happen to be looking for ghosts. One of those weird coincidences that make people in horror movies say, it's just a weird coincidence before being bisected lengthwise by a headless ghost with a chainsaw.
There's been a lot of buzz over the last few weeks about strange sounds being heard in the atmosphere. The world has been hearing booming noises creepy enough to stop children in their tracks.
While playing in the street, I guess. Maybe get your kid out of the street instead of taking a video.
Noises creepy enough to derail bad baseball announcer patter. That's a haunting sound if we've ever heard one. One ball, no strikes. Okay, nothing can stop baseball announcers once they've got a quality stilted patter going, but the point is strange sounds are booming forth from the sky around the globe. No one seems to know what is causing these weird booms. Listening unsatisfying explanations ranging from nearby construction site to this commenter who assures us, the sounds are coming from my asshole.
At first it appears to be someone taking an insurance inventory of their house as a hurricane rages outside, but just as you start to think the demons and the title will be subtle things, you have to pause to see in the background, he gets to his room and fuck you YouTube. Those are really impressive effects, which is why the movie VHS probably hired the visionary effects artists who made this. One Chester Tyler 714, whose greatest hits include this video only. Oh, and liking a bunch of other videos of paranormal activity in the year after this video was uploaded.
Almost like he was trying to prove he wasn't crazy and the demons weren't CGI before abruptly going silent. But I dare you to try not to think about black baby arms crawling out from under your closet door when you go to sleep tonight. And so does this hand monster.
Ah, gotcha. I'm gonna need a wardrobe change bottom.
Hey guys, if you know of any other supernatural videos that I missed, share them in the comments below and we can run this premise back next year. Also, if you know how some of these videos were clearly faked, let me know in the comment section, especially that last one with the arms.
I'm not gonna be okay for a while after that. Happy Halloween, never again. |
TheOnion | opt_out_of_olive_garden_s_bread_bowl_it_s_your_right_troublehacking_with_drew_cleary | So, a lot of you are riled up about the unlimited breadstick bowl at the Olive Garden. For those of you who don't know, as soon as you enter an Olive Garden, you're automatically enrolled in their bottomless breadstick bowl.
They don't ask if you want it, they just give it to you. And they make it kinda difficult for you to get out of the program. Now, I like breadsticks, but I'm just a little uncomfortable about being added to some list that serves me bread forever without my express permission. I also find it annoying that you can't do whatever you want with the bread, like rip it up, toss it around, remix it into your water, or give it to friends. You also can't even bring the bread out of the restaurant because it's proprietary. No. You give me bread, I want absolute control. I'm not interested in some unlimited bread rental.
So I opted out. And so can you.
Before you show up to the Olive Garden, you want to call ahead for a reservation and give your name as No Bread. Since this is an unusual name, this will enable the hostess to recognize you as someone who does not like bread. Now, once you show up to the restaurant, go immediately to the hostess and tell her that you're extremely full and that at no time should food be brought to your table. This will give you enough time to peruse the menu without cumbersome breadsticks invading your privacy. If you're still brought bread, you could always knock it off the table or tell the host, hey man, I'm opting out of this. You have no right to bring this to me. You need to take me off whatever list you're managing and remove my identity from the group that's getting this free bread. You do not have to give a reason. You do not even have to give your name. You just have to tell them, stop bringing me bread. They still bring you bread? Just get up, walk out of the restaurant without paying the check. Remember, in most cases, you have a legally enshrined right to refuse bread unless you sign a contract with Olive Garden stating otherwise.
They will never sue someone whose rights they violated because A, it's a case they'll never win and B, their lawyers are just too afraid of the negative publicity to even try.
Nobody can make you eat any breadsticks that you don't want. I even took the time to drive to an Olive Garden to ask someone and the guy said that no one in Olive Garden has ever forced someone to put bread in their mouth. You're not required to eat any certain amount of breadsticks in the program, so you can even spit them out on your paper placemat after you've chewed them. Well, that's my hack. Enjoy your breadsticks.
Bye bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | oscar_statuettes_snl | For the best original screenplay, the winner is Benjamin Fieger.
So, what are you? What? what are you? what do you think, jerk? you mean. that's right. best Picture, the Big One. Wow. Well, sir, it's a real privilege to stand next to you. Yes, sir-ee. my name's Oscar. how do you do? Mine's Oscar. nice to meet you, Oscar. yeah, likewise. So, what are you?
Oh, I'm best achievement in sound for a foreign documentary. Oh. hey, thanks a lot. hey, hey, Oscar. hey, what's up? this guy here, he's best achievement in sound for a documentary.
Hey, leave me alone.
So, what are you, Hot Shot? I'm best actress, man. best actress? that's right, best Actress. Yeah, keep on laughing. Tonight, I'm going on a clutch to the chest of Meryl Streep with Jessica Lange. that's true. you get to go home with a bearded Romanian named booger. Hey, Oscar. yeah? who's that over there? this one? that is Best Score. Ooh. boy. give me one night in a trophy case with her. yeah, what's her name? Oscar. check this out. uh-oh. here he goes. he's making his move, Oscar. better wait a moment, Oscar. what up? Hi. who are you? I'm Oscar. best actress.
Well, I guess you've been around. I guess you can say that. what you doing later on? I got a date. yeah, well, then break it. I can't. come on now, baby. I pleased all the greats. I've been with Katharine Hepburn three times. she almost 70 years old. Well, it's tempting. Go, Oscar, Go. better wait, Oscar. Well, I'll see what I can do.
And now, a special Oscar for lifetime achievement, working with dogs and Monkeys, Trainer Dingo Mitzler. I'm just going to the bathroom real quick. Hey. you're not best picture, are you? Yeah, I am. you're dogs and monkeys. Yeah, so what? hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. don't listen to him, Oscar, All right? you're a winner. it doesn't matter if you're dogs and monkeys, a best animated short, a best picture, you're an Academy Award.
Dogs and Monkeys? |
cracked | 4_things_superhero_movies_don_t_have_the_balls_to_do | Superhero movies are such good business nowadays that every film studio in Hollywood is rushing to put one out, so that they too can ride the billion dollar franchise train of congratulatory sex and cocaine straight through the gates of Valhalla. Still, despite being the biggest money makers in the history of cinema, Hollywood is still terrified that certain specific details about a handful of comic book characters are just too ridiculous to include in a big budget mainstream film.
What details?
I'm glad you asked! 20th Century Fox is weirdly afraid to put Dr. Doom in a movie. For all you dweebs not in the know, Dr. Doom is an evil genius with a metal suit crafted by Tibetan mystics who rules over the island country of Latvia. The reason he wears a metal suit is because he was experimenting with powerful forces in an attempt to open a portal to hell and find his mother, but he fucked it all up and blew his face straight off his skull, reducing the once handsome Victor Von Doom to a hideous dog food man forced to forever conceal his monstrous form beneath a suit of magical armor. He can do magic. To date, Dr. Doom has appeared in three big budget movies, and not a single piece of any of that incredible backstory I just described has been featured in any of them. In the 2005 movie, Doom is the head of some big corporation that funds the Fantastic Four's expedition into space.
In the 2015 version, he's a dirty programmer who lives in a windled garage, playing video games eating Chinese food, wearing Google glasses and refusing to take a shower. He's not even a doctor, he's just a garbage person who accidentally gets superpowers.
Both of those films were also infamously gun-shy about Dr. Doom's name. They tried to change his name to Victor Van Damme in the 2005 version, but they changed it back to Victor Von Doom, after all the Fantastic Four fans nobody knew existed got mad about it. They did the same thing for the 2015 version, and the same thing happened. Fans got angry that the movie was going to call him Victor Domitshev instead of just Victor Von Doom, so they changed it back. Again, why are we nervous about calling a villain Victor Von Doom? Von Doom is a real name. Plus, this is a comic book movie, since when do we care about the characters having absurd names? Nobody batted an eye at Oswald Cobblepot or Otto Octavius, we're fine with Magneto.
This man can't have a German surname because it's too on the nose. That's what makes his name so great. Dr. Doom isn't even an alias or a supervillain alter ego, that's just his name. He's a doctor, and his name is Doom.
Also, we don't want to give him a suit of armor. In all three Fantastic Four movies, Dr. Doom's armor is just his skin, fused and altered by cosmic energy. His background in mysticism and the stuff with the Tibetan monks is never mentioned. Why don't we want to give him a magic suit?
Is that where we draw the line?
Iron Man has a million suits of armor. Thor flies around by twirling a magic hammer above his head, then throwing it and hanging onto the handle to propel himself to the air with the momentum.
That is the most Looney Tunes thing ever, and nobody cares. Audiences didn't stand up in the middle of the Avengers and say, wait a minute and storm out of the theater, just give us an angry European dictator in a suit of armor who gives a shit. We gave an Academy Award to a movie about a man wearing a pair of pointy bat ears and breathing exclusively through his mouth for 140 minutes. Dr. Victor Von Doom, the science blacksmith, is far from our ceiling of ridiculousness.
For some reason, Hollywood refuses to let Spider-Man get out of school. He was in high school for the first Sam Raimi film, then college in the second one, and then they rebooted the series and put him back in high school. Now they're rebooting the series again to the delight of children the world over, and once again he'll be back in high school. We've had six Spider-Man movies in 15 years, and he's been in high school for half of them. There are millions of pages of Spider-Man stories to draw inspiration from, either in the form of a direct adaptation or something that borrows a few bits and pieces to make a whole new story. And if for whatever reason, Sony is obsessed with the first 28 issues of Spider-Man's history. He graduated from college in the f***ing 70s, in an issue that was labeled the most demanded story of them all, because readers were tired of seeing him mope around in school all the goddamn time. Spider-Man hasn't been in school since Jimmy Carter was president. That would be like if every single episode of Game of Thrones all took place before Ned Stark left Winterfell. Just let him be an adult for Lee's sake. Spider-Man was in high school for exactly three years of his 50-year comic history.
Let him do something else. He spent the 80s dancing in nightclubs with Eddie Murphy.
I really want to see that Spider-Man movie. We've been getting Superman movies on and off for the past 40 years, and if one thing has remained constant between all of them, it's that they're all entirely too long. The other thing they all have in common is that Superman is always punching one of two dudes, Lex Luthor or General Zod. Sometimes both. There was also that one time he found an evil version of himself created by Richard Pryor, but the point is, Hollywood is super nervous about digging any deeper in Superman's rogues gallery. It's like they're worried we won't know it's a Superman movie unless he's fighting one of the two villains from the Richard Donner movies. Brainiac almost made it into a Superman film two different times. He was originally going to be in Superman Lives, the Kevin Smith draft that was to feature both Nicolas Cage and a giant spider, but that didn't happen because it seems like the universe is content only to spare us from the tragedies we really want to see. Doomsday was also going to be in that movie and Lex Luthor and a giant disc that blocked out the sun and, holy shit you guys. Brainiac and Bizarro were supposed to show up in a sequel to Superman Returns, but that just sort of floated along for several years until everyone involved abandoned it. Then Zack Snyder's Man of Steel came along and we got the same three bad guys from Superman 2. We're brothers are so scared of showing us a different villain than Lex Luthor or Zod in the upcoming Superman movie that they panicked and said, I haven't fight Batman and Lex Luthor.
And you know what? There's Zod back in there too. We don't want anyone to be confused. We're still making a Superman movie here.
Batman is one of those characters who doesn't need an origin story anymore. He barely needed one back when Tim Burton's film came out in 1989.
The movie starts and he's already Batman, veering at criminals from atop one of the many castles that inexplicably dot Gotham City skyline. Did you know Gotham City is supposed to be in New Jersey? There's not a single 100 story cathedral anywhere in America and they would have us believe that this torture museum exists within driving distance of Atlantic City.
Anyway, the 1989 movie didn't get around to showing us the tragic deaths of Thomas and Martha Wayne until two-thirds of the way through. And even then, the only reason it did was to include a flashback of a young Joker to galvanize Batman into hunting him down and murdering him. Batman Returns came and went with nary a mention of the Caped Crusader's dead parents, but then Batman Forever came out. And in addition to showing us way more of Jim Carrey's bulging crotch fist than any of us ever needed to see, it decided to go through the death of Bruce Wayne's parents all over again.
Because I guess they were worried we forgot? Were they concerned that people were going to see Batman zoom on screen and be just helplessly confused?
That's not just briefly mentioned either, it's a huge plot point. Easily as much as it was in the first film.
That really feels like some producer sent a memo halfway through the production saying, people aren't going to understand why this Bat character's running around in Halloween boots. We got to tell him about the parents. Batman Begins showed us Bruce Wayne's entire goddamn life, so of course we had to watch his parents get blown away in crime alley once again. And in the upcoming Batman v Superman Dawn of Justice, they've cast Jeffrey D. Morgan to play Thomas Wayne. So unless they hired him to pose for a photograph in a frame on Ben Affleck's desk, that probably means we're going to be treated to yet another flashback of the annihilation of Batman's birth givers. We know what Batman's motivation is, we don't really need to keep revisiting what drove him to fight crime in an animal hat. Bruce Wayne has a carousel of tragedy that has resulted from his decision to be Batman, like the death of Jason Todd and the paralyzing of Barbara Gordon. There's a whole other dimension to the guilt complex of this character that movies refuse to address for whatever reason. He didn't even get an origin story in the comics until several issues after his first appearance. Turns out Batman doesn't need that much context.
We don't need a refresher every time a new actor gets hired to play him, just do it in a voice order during the opening credits, like Quantum Leap. Hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.
Hey, thanks for watching this video about stupid things that they won't let superheroes do in movies. If you like it, give me a like, hit the like button, go down to the comments and let me know what other superheroes they keep seeming to jack up for no reason in movies. Like, why didn't they let Bullseye have a costume in the Ben Affleck movie? Their compromise was to put Irish Colin Farrell in a jacket and cut a bullseye in his head, because apparently that's less dumb than giving him an outfit.
Also, if you want to talk a bit more about Dr. Doom, I've got so much to say about Dr. Doom. They really made me cut this video down. It was like super long, but you can like check out the full uncut version of this on my blog. I've got a whole lot of thoughts, like how his cloak is going to be influenced by the upcoming election and maybe the primaries. And just check it out. I really have a lot to say on that topic. |
cracked | 4_times_danny_devito_was_a_legend_behind_the_scenes_canonball | Danny DeVito sure has played some despicable characters throughout his career. He rose to fame as the cruel and amoral head dispatcher Louis in Taxi. He currently plays the even crueler and amoral-ler Frank Reynolds on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And he's perhaps best remembered for his portrayal of a soiled, full-bodied, diaper-wearing sewer mutant who went around perving on women trying to murder children and Voldemorting people.
And yet, if anyone even thinks about saying something bad about the man, people immediately pull out the ol' Danny Defender. Just so we're clear, I'm people.
The reason people love Danny DeVito so much is because no matter what monster he's playing, you can always tell that there's a genuinely nice and sweet man behind the role, which has been confirmed by countless people who have worked with him. And in this episode, we're going to take a look at the bonkers, the hilarious, the greatest behind-the-scenes moments in DeVito's career. We're talking about giving the world one of the most influential movies ever on a tricking the governator into smoking grass on set and helping a little girl deal with one of the darkest moments of her life.
This is Cannonball. Number 4.
Danny DeVito got Arnold Schwarzenegger stoned. After the 1988 runaway hit, Twins, Hollywood decided to double down on Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito starring in movies about beating up mother nature with a baseball bat of science. The result was the 1994 comedy, Junior, about Schwarzenegger impregnating himself with a fertilized egg in order to test out an experimental drug meant to prevent miscarriages.
Yeah, lost pregnancies. Now that's some light-hearted comedy material right there. Mama. But that doesn't mean there weren't some legitimately hilarious moments in the film. It's just that the best one happened off-screen.
One day during lunch, Danny invited Schwarzenegger to his trailer for some homemade Italian food. To finish up the meal, Danny gave his co-star a cigar, as thanks for all the presents that Schwarzenegger had given him during the shoot. The former governor of California recalled that the cigar was...
Really long one. Beautiful cigar. Money crystal.
And so, according to Schwarzenegger, he lit up and smoked the obese cigarette in the trailer and then returned with Danny to the shoot. But when the director yelled action, Schwarzenegger found his mind totally blank. He couldn't remember any of his lines. The director tried to jog his memory by telling him, quote, you and Danny were talking about going out and now you're pregnant. Congratulations. Schwarzenegger apparently tried to go to the script supervisor to remember what the hell kind of movie he was making. He says it took him about one and a half hours to get back to normal, all while Danny was trying not to bust out laughing.
Finally, DeVito came clean about what was going on. Danny put some marijuana in the front of his cigar. Yeah, Danny DeVito, as a prank, loaded up Arnold's expensive cigar with weed.
It's a satisfying to me as the coming is. While we don't condone dosing your bodybuilder friends, it was kind of appropriate on some level, considering the movie they were making. Because there's no chance that that thing was written sober. That should be enough.
Schwarzenegger says he tried to get Danny back later with the same loaded cigar prank. But it didn't work because Arnold claims that Danny has a real nose for weed and could smell it instantly. Good thing the story only broke this year because if it had gotten out sooner that Schwarzenegger rode the Pineapple Express, it could have easily tanked his career. I started blasting back.
Number three, Danny DeVito created a familial atmosphere. Matilda is the beloved 1996 family comedy about a girl with magic powers being horribly abused by her family. With a subplot about her school's principal killing her teacher's dad and making it look like suicide in order to inherit all of his money. Too bad we already used that giant comedy asterisk on the junior entry. The movie starred Mara Wilson as the titular Matilda, with Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman playing her parents. Also, Matilda's teacher, played by Embeth Davids, was named Honey. Because Roald Dahl might know how to write beautifully messed up children's books, but could maybe use some editorial input on the names? Anyway, while DeVito's Harry Wormwood, presumably named Bad Guy Wormwood in the original draft, was a yelling, selfish, and abusive car salesman, the actor portraying him was apparently going for sainthood on the set of Matilda.
Mara Wilson only auditioned for the movie because it was based on one of her mom's favorite books. Sadly, during the production, Suzy Wilson was diagnosed with breast cancer, but DeVito and Perlman went out of their way to help Mara get through it. When they weren't throwing pool parties and other events to cheer her up, they'd let Mara stay with them while her mom underwent treatment in the hospital. Mara Wilson described Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman as her favorite aunt and uncle who made her feel safe during a very dark time. They even got Mara her first American Girl doll, Molly, described on the official website as, quote, most likely to fake a turnip allergy.
Alright. You should believe in whatever power you think you have inside of you.
DeVito and Perlman did so much for Wilson that, when filming wrapped, she was legitimately sad and anxious about losing the family that she'd made on set. Tragically, Suzy Wilson eventually lost her battle with cancer, shortly before the movie's theatrical release, never getting to see it.
In another universe where Danny DeVito isn't the definitive proof that man was made in God's own image. Before her passing, DeVito actually visited Mara's mom in the hospital and screened an almost completed version of the movie for her, allowing her to enjoy an adaptation of her beloved book starring her beloved daughter. So quick question, when are we officially making Danny DeVito a church saint? That would be good, but I can make tomorrow work if we need to. Number two, Danny DeVito bought the rights to pulp fiction before it was even written.
When Danny DeVito first joined Twitter, he didn't know what he should post first and ultimately went with the safe and classic, My Nuts Are On Fire. But writing that every day would only be entertaining for like two to three years tops and Danny needed a long term Twitter strategy. Then suddenly he was hit with divine inspiration and a social media legend was born.
If I take my shoe off and I shoot my foot and I call it troll foot, there it is. That was that, yeah, you got some ice there. Danny's foot did the ice bucket challenge. It hung out with One Direction. It achieved more in a few years than three entire generations of Iceman's.
I bring this up to pose the following question, was Danny DeVito always fascinated by feet and is that what made him instantly connect with Quentin Tarantino? That I love, I absolutely love. See, DeVito started his own production company, Jersey Films, in 1991, which among other things helped give the world pulp fiction and propelled Quentin Tarantino to international stardom. I want to please my fans and I want to please the critics that are my fans. DeVito and Tarantino met during the premiere of Terminator 2 and talked for a total of ten minutes. At the end of it, DeVito told Tarantino that he wanted to be involved in his next movie, whatever it was. And this was without him even seeing Reservoir Dogs or anything he'd been in.
Would you do me a favor and eat my pussy for me, please?
In short, DeVito relied solely on his gut when he bought the rights to pulp fiction and was probably relieved as hell when Tarantino finally sent him a script and it wasn't just a binder of troll-foot polaroids. At the time, DeVito actually had a first look deal with Columbia TriStar, but he brought them pulp fiction at the worst possible time. TriStar chairman Mike Metavoy had just spent a weekend having his ass chewed by the White House about there being too much violence in Hollywood. So he passed on the movie where a rapist is killed with a katana and poor Marvin gets his head popped like a tomato in a microwave. So Danny DeVito shopped the script around, finally finding it a home over at Miramax.
Pig. No, Nancy, that is not Harvey Weinstein.
Pulp fiction would go on to become the first independent movie to gross over $200 million with gross violence while kick-starting the careers of Samuel L. Jackson and Uma Thurman. Samuel Jackson made you painstakingly by me. Samuel L. Jackson, it'll get you drunk.
Number one, Danny DeVito took his penguin legacy extremely seriously. Tim Burton's Batman Returns was a gift to Gen Z and millennials, because now, whenever someone asks us, what the hell is wrong with you, we can just say we watched DeVito's penguin as kids, and that usually ends the conversation.
We'll do it another time, then.
What with DeVito's penguin, looking like an elderly Victorian child with a meth addiction. But despite the character's inherent ridiculousness, Danny DeVito put his heart, soul, and hard palate into the part, doing whatever it took to make his performance memorable. And sometimes that included committing crimes against his mouth. For example, in scenes where penguin eats fish, that's not a prop. It's real, raw bluefish that Danny had to stuff down his gullet during the shoot. Don't worry, though. The fish probably started to taste much better after DeVito had to gargle mouthwash mixed with spirulina in scenes where penguin oozes black blood from his mouth. It's little touches like that that have made Danny DeVito own this incarnation of penguin, if not legally, then, like, morally.
And that's why, when Danny DeVito wrote a comic for DC, where the penguin and catwoman become lovers, he made sure to first call up Michelle Pfeiffer and ask if it was okay with her. Be gentle. It's my first time. It all started in 2020, when DC approached DeVito about writing for Gotham City Villains, a one-shot anthology featuring short stories about Batman's greatest villains. Please, refer to me as the calculator. Alright, lovely energy. Danny came up with a tale he called Birdcat Love, where the penguin, clearly inspired by the character from Batman Returns, strikes up a romance with Catwoman, over their shared love of stealing from the rich and giving, mostly to themselves, but with a little bit set aside for the poor. The story is actually kinda sweet, and the only thing that's off about it is that Catwoman is dressed in a suit that covers up her entire body, except for her armpits. Be gentle. It's my first time. Look, people have to discover their fetishes somehow, and they should feel proud if it happens to come from a comic written by Danny DeVito. Sure. The reason why DeVito asked Michelle Pfeiffer for permission to write the story was because it makes sense to ask the person instantly associated with Catwoman, if it's okay with her, if the two characters start making it out.
There isn't a law or anything requiring artists to do that, but Danny DeVito still felt the need to, because a thing few people know about him is that, despite being the very picture of old-school alpha masculinity, I mean, it's just the air conditioners walking around on this planet screwing each other's brains out. The actor is actually a staunch feminist who's spoken out about gender and racial inequality a lot, because Danny DeVito is simply the very best of us.
I will not be taking questions at this time.
Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. If you liked it, why not like and subscribe? And if you want more in-depth reporting on Danny DeVito, head over to crack.com.
I'm totally serious. We're doing an entire week of DeVito content over there, and if you don't watch it, we don't eat. My boss told me that. If you hated it, I'll come to your house and beat the sh- women trying to murder children and Voldemort-ing people.
And yet, if anyone even thinks about saying something bad about the man, people immediately pull out the old Danny Defender. Just so we're clear, on people. The reason people love Danny DeVito so much is because, no matter what monster he's playing, you can always tell that there's a genuinely nice and sweet man behind the role, which has been confirmed by countless people who've worked with him.
And in this episode, we're going to take a look at the bonkers, the hilarious, the greatest behind-the-scenes moments in DeVito's career. We're talking about giving the world one of the most influential movies ever on a lark, tricking the governator into smoking grass on set, and helping a little girl deal with one of the darkest moments of her life. This is Cannonball. Number four, Danny DeVito got Arnold Schwarzenegger stoned. After the 1988 runaway hit, Twins, Hollywood decided to double down on Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito starring in movies about beating up Mother Nature with a baseball bat of science.
This can't be happening. The result was the 1994 comedy, Junior, about Schwarzenegger impregnating himself with a fertilized egg in order to test out an experimental drug meant to prevent miscarriages. Yeah, lost pregnancies.
Now that's some light-hearted comedy material right there. Mama. But that doesn't mean there weren't some legitimately hilarious moments in the film. It's just that the best one happened off-screen.
One day during lunch, Danny invited Schwarzenegger to his trailer for some homemade Italian food. To finish up the meal, Danny gave his co-star a cigar, as thanks for all the presence that Schwarzenegger had given him during the shoot. The former governor of California recalled that the cigar was... Really long one. Beautiful cigar, money crystal. So, according to Schwarzenegger, he lit up and smoked the obese cigarette in the trailer and then returned with Danny to the shoot.
But when the director yelled action, Schwarzenegger found his mind totally blank. He couldn't remember any of his lines. The director tried to jog his memory by telling him, quote, you and Danny were talking about going out and now you're pregnant. Congratulations. Schwarzenegger apparently tried to go to the script supervisor to remember what the hell kind of movie he was making.
He says it took him about one and a half hours to get back to normal, all while Danny was trying not to bust out laughing. Finally, DeVito came clean about what was going on. Danny put some marijuana in the front of the cigar. Yeah, Danny DeVito, as a prank, loaded up Arnold's expensive cigar with weed.
It's a satisfying to me as the coming is. While we don't condone dosing your bodybuilder friends, it was kind of appropriate on some level, considering the movie they were making. Because there's no chance that that thing was written sober. That should be enough.
Schwarzenegger says he tried to get Danny back later with the same loaded cigar prank, but it didn't work because Arnold claims that Danny has a real nose for weed and could smell it instantly. Good thing the story only broke this year because if it had gotten out sooner that Schwarzenegger rode the Pineapple Express, it could have easily tanked his career. I started blasting back.
Number three, Danny DeVito created a familial atmosphere. Matilda is the beloved 1996 family comedy about a girl with magic powers being horribly abused by her family. We're the subplot about her school's principal killing her teacher's dad and making it look like suicide in order to inherit all of his money. Too bad we already used that giant comedy asterisk on the junior entry. The movie starred Mara Wilson as the titular Matilda, with Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman playing her parents. Also, Matilda's teacher, played by Ambed Davis, was named Honey.
A secret weapon. Because Roald Dahl might know how to write beautifully messed up children's books, but could maybe use some editorial input on the names?
I'm smart. You're dumb.
Anyway, while DeVito's Harry Wormwood, presumably named Bad Guy Wormwood in the original draft, was a yelling, selfish, and abusive car salesman, the actor portraying him was apparently going for sainthood on the set of Matilda. Mara Wilson only auditioned for the movie because it was based on one of her mom's favorite books. Sadly, during the production, Susie Wilson was diagnosed with breast cancer.
But DeVito and Perlman went out of their way to help Mara get through it. You will not leave this platform until you have consumed the entire confection. When they weren't throwing pool parties and other events to cheer her up, they let Mara stay with them while her mom underwent treatment in the hospital. Mara Wilson described Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman as her favorite aunt and uncle who made her feel safe during a very dark time. They even got Mara her first American girl doll, Molly, described on the official website as, quote, most likely to fake a turnip allergy.
All right. You should believe in whatever power you think you have inside of you.
DeVito and Perlman did so much for Wilson that when filming wrapped, she was legitimately sad and anxious about losing the family that she'd made on set. Tragically, Susie Wilson eventually lost her battle with cancer shortly before the movie's theatrical release, never getting to see it. In another universe where Danny DeVito isn't the definitive proof that man was made in God's own image, before her passing, DeVito actually visited Mara's mom in the hospital and screened an almost completed version of the movie for her, allowing her to enjoy an adaptation of her beloved book starring her beloved daughter.
So quick question. What are we officially making Danny DeVito a church saint? Now it would be good, but I can make tomorrow work if we need to. Daddy, you're a crook. What?
Number two, Danny DeVito bought the rights to pulp fiction before it was even written. When Danny DeVito first joined Twitter, he didn't know what he should post first and ultimately went with the safe and classic, My Nuts Are On Fire. But writing that every day would only be entertaining for like two to three years tops, and Danny needed a long term Twitter strategy. Then suddenly he was hit with divine inspiration, and a social media legend was born.
If I take my shoe off and I shoot my foot and I call it troll foot, there it is. That was that? Yeah, you got some ice there. Danny's foot did the ice bucket challenge. It hung out with One Direction. It achieved more in a few years than three entire generations of Iceman's.
I bring this up to pose the following question. Was Danny DeVito always fascinated by feet, and is that what made him instantly connect with Quentin Tarantino?
That I love. I absolutely love.
See, DeVito started his own production company, Jersey Films, in 1991, which among other things helped give the world pulp fiction and propelled Quentin Tarantino to international stardom. I want to please my fans, and I want to please the critics that are my fans. DeVito and Tarantino met during the premiere of Terminator and talked for a total of 10 minutes. At the end of it, DeVito told Tarantino that he wanted to be involved in his next movie, whatever it was. And this was without him even seeing reservoir dogs or anything he'd been in.
Would you do me a favor and eat my pussy for me, please?
In short, DeVito relied solely on his gut when he bought the rights to pulp fiction before it was even written and was probably relieved as hell when Tarantino finally sent him a script and it wasn't just a binder of troll foot Polaroids. At the time, DeVito actually had a first look deal with Columbia TriStar, but he brought them pulp fiction at the worst possible time. TriStar chairman Mike Medivoy had just spent a weekend having his ass chewed by the White House about there being too much violence in Hollywood. So he passed on the movie where a rapist is killed with a katana and poor Marvin gets his head popped like a tomato in a microwave. So Danny DeVito shopped the script around, finally finding it a home over at Miramax.
Pig. No, Nancy, that is not Harvey Weinstein.
Pulp fiction would go on to become the first independent movie to gross over $200 million with gross violence while kick-starting the careers of Samuel L. Jackson and Uma Thurman. Samuel Jackson made painstakingly by me. Samuel L. Jackson, it'll get you drunk.
Number one, Danny DeVito took his penguin legacy extremely seriously. Tim Burton's Batman Returns was a gift to Gen Z and millennials because now, whenever someone asks us, what the hell is wrong with you, we can just say, we watched DeVito's penguin as kids and that usually ends the conversation.
We'll do it another time, then.
What with DeVito's penguin, looking like an elderly Victorian child with a meth addiction. But despite the character's inherent ridiculousness, Danny DeVito put his heart, soul, and hard palate into the part, doing whatever it took to make his performance memorable. And sometimes that included committing crimes against his mouth. For example, in scenes where penguin eats fish, that's not a prop. It's real, raw bluefish that Danny had to stuff down his gullet during the shoot. Don't worry though, the fish probably started to taste much better after DeVito had to gargle mouthwash mixed with spirulina in scenes where penguin oozes black blood from his mouth. It's little touches like that that have made Danny DeVito own this incarnation of penguin, if not legally, then like morally.
And that's why when Danny DeVito wrote a comic for DC, where the penguin and catwoman become lovers, he made sure to first call up Michelle Pfeiffer and ask if it was okay with her. Be gentle, it's my first time. It all started in 2020 when DC approached DeVito about writing for Gotham City Villains, a one shot anthology featuring short stories about Batman's greatest villains. Please, refer to me as the calculator. All right, love the energy. Danny came up with a tale he called Birdcat Love, where the penguin, clearly inspired by the character from Batman Returns, strikes up a romance with Catwoman over their shared love of stealing from the rich and giving mostly to themselves but with a little bit set aside for the poor. The story is actually kind of sweet and the only thing that's off about it is that Catwoman is dressed in a suit that covers up her entire body except for her armpits. Be gentle, it's my first time. Look, people have to discover their fetishes somehow and they should feel proud if it happens to come from a comic written by Danny DeVito. Sure. Anyway, the reason why DeVito asked Michelle Pfeiffer for permission to write the story was because it makes sense to ask the person instantly associated with Catwoman if it's okay with her if the two characters start making it up.
There isn't a law or anything requiring artists to do that but Danny DeVito still felt the need to because a thing few people know about him is that despite being the very picture of old school alpha masculinity. I mean, we're just the air conditioners walking around on this planet screwing each other's brains out. The actor is actually a staunch feminist who's spoken out about gender and racial inequality a lot because Danny DeVito is simply the very best of us.
I will not be taking questions at this time.
Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. If you liked it, why not like and subscribe?
And if you want more in-depth reporting on Danny DeVito head over to crack.com. I'm totally serious. We're doing an entire week of DeVito content over there.
And if you don't watch it, we don't eat. My boss told me that. If you hated it, I'll come to your house and beat the shit out of me. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_42nd_street_saturday_night_live | Come On, get back after it, you guys. Get out there. Come on, there's hot dogs in the back. Hand those tutus in. Hey, don't worry about that, Inspector. That's just temporary, huh? Excuse Me,: are you the producer of the Star World Theatre? Uh, no, I'm the fire marshal. That's the, uh, producer. Gosh, I Just can't believe I'm inside a real 42nd. Three Street Theatre. It's a dream come true. So What do you do, kid, huh? You straight? Gay? Animals? I Sing. All Right, all right, all right. Take five. You're not on speed or anything, are you, kid? All My life, all I ever wanted to be was a star in the 42nd Street of today. Oh, just give me a chance, Miss. Well, you know, kid, I'm the producer. I can make it all happen for you. But First, it's time to feed the bear. I didn't just fall off a turnip truck, you know. I mean, I've heard about the casting couch. Thanks, but no thanks. Oh, thanks. You Mean you're gonna turn down a man that can put you into a live sex act? I guess I'm just old-fashioned. My Dreams will just have to wait a little longer. You could have been somebody, kid. I Think these belong to you. Oh, thanks. Hey, you're welcome. I'm Miles. Miles Long. And I'm Ruby Sawyer. Glad To know you. Glad To know you, too. I Just happen to be the star of the show. You're gonna be in it? I guess not. I guess I'm not right for the part. That's a crock of fudge. You're perfect for the part. Hey, Inspector. Put Me down for 200 tickets to the fireman's mall, will you? Uh, yeah. There's no violations here that I can see. Good God. I'll see you next month. No Problem. Say Hi to the wife, will you? Hey, why don't you give this girl a chance, huh? Give her a chance. Listen, buddy. This happens to be business. When You lay out 75 cents out there, somebody wants to see somebody who knows how to eat the bear. Or Feed the bear, whichever you prefer. All Right, cut that chin music. We Got our sex show here in five minutes. Who's that? That's Helen Marsh. She's the rector of this program, Ruby. And Miss Marsh, why don't you give this kid a shot? She's got real talent. And I Suppose you want to be a star, too, huh, kid? I will be one day, Mrs. Marsh. Oh? You Mean you're ready to work your heart out? To Sweat and slave and sacrifice? Yes. But Most important, are you ready to feed the bear? You Don't know. You're too young to know what you want, kid. Listen to me. Get Back in that greyhound and go home. Get Married. Have kids. Drink too much. Take Valium. Watch Daytime TV. Don't forget all this. New Jersey To have my dreams. Damped Down by a five-inch stiletto heel by some fancy drag queen. Marsh. Hold it, kid. I Think you've got something. I Think you've got something special, something firm but playa. Does The phrase bobbing for tuna mean anything to you? I think so. Put Her in the chorus. The Chorus. All Right, Helen, anything you say. In The chorus, huh? All Right, we'll have to. All right, Miles. Don't spend it all in one place, honey. We've got six shows to do tonight. Ruby, this is Monique. She's our star attraction. Pleased to meet you. I'm gonna be in the chorus. You call that dancing? She stinks. I'm not going on stage with that pathetic mattress back. Hey, be reasonable, Monique. Either she goes or I go. I'll be in my dressing room. She's got me over a barrel, kid. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you here. Just Keep your legs wrapped around that crazy darn dream of yours. Because I Think it just might work out. I Sure hope so. Thanks for believing in me, Mrs. Marsh. Goodbye, Miles. We've been the hottest love team this old street's ever seen. You know that? Oh, my God. Well, she's OD'd for the last time. Hey, they're getting restless out there. Come On, let's get this thing on the road, Helen. Well, there goes the show. A $300 investment right down the toilet. What about Ruby? Give her the part. It's a million to one shot, but it just might work. Come Here, kid. You've got the star part. I can't do it, Mrs. Marsh. I'm just too darn scared. Sure You're scared. It's only natural to be scared. But Just remember one thing. They Want to like you. Just Listen to them. The Name of the show. Well, it's sort of an avant-garde extravaganza called Sluts at Sea. It's show Time! Show Time! Get out there, honey! I Guess I better get out of costume. All Right, Miles, get out there. All Right, I'll see you in the love scene, baby. Gosh, I Just can't believe it. Little Ruby Sawyer from Newark, New Jersey. Hold it. You're not Ruby Sawyer. Show Time! Everybody Outside for the animal act! All Right, let's get it going! Let's get it going! There We go! Line up! All right, ready? Knock Him down, you guys! Knock Him down! All Right! Well, Helen, you did it again. There's another star shining on 42nd Street tonight. I Don't know. Every Show I do, I Swear it'll be the last. But When I see that little kid out there feeding those bears, it's all worthwhile. Come On, let's go get a fix. All right! Boy, did you see that? Did You see that? |
dropout | bad_tv_pitches_orphan_flippers | Do you want a water? No.
What's up, guys? Hey! Ralph's friends. How's it going? Good, good. Come on in. Okay, cool. Thanks so much. Been about six years now. Wow. Really? How did you guys meet?
The Jewish community. I didn't know Ralph was Jewish. He's not. He was dating this Jewish girl and I used to date her.
We should probably start the pitch. Oh, okay. So this is the beginning of the pitch.
So we have a show, it's a reality show, kind of in the same vein as all the house makeover shows. You know, they turn around and they make it over and they sell the house, renovating, remodeling.
Exactly. Yeah. We're doing it all up. Well, we have a sort of new twist on that idea.
Orphan flippers. Orphan flippers? Orphan flippers.
Yeah. Scrubbing up the orphans and then trying to sell them for a higher profit. Yeah. What? Let's get it.
We have a visual aid that I think will help. This will be very helpful.
Yeah. Hold on one second. All right. You all ready out there? Yeah. Ready. All right. Uh-oh.
Someone wants to meet you. Here we go. I want to meet him.
Oh, shit. Try to... You okay? Yeah. Just give us one second. You got it. There we go. I think it's... Yeah. That should do it. So he's going to be on the show. Oh. No. This is a doll. So anyway, so... Okay. So... It just pops out. Sorry. Yeah. That's okay. There we go. Sorry about that. All right. I got to stop you for a second because if you're talking about what I think you're talking about, you're talking about selling children? No.
No orphans.
My sister adopted a kid from Vietnam three years ago.
Ouch. Sorry to hear that. It's terrible. No. It's been great. Oh, okay.
She loves them. She loves those guys.
Okay. Well, let's walk through the first episode. I think you'll have to go differently. Exactly. Yeah.
So you take one of these really despicable looking little suckers and you give them a little surplus... You know, not actually give them a surplus, but pretend, you know, for the show...
For the show to look like we're really changing his life. Exactly. And we're going to make him a better person. And we don't have to spend the money on actually doing that, but...
Fast forward to the end of the show, you get, you know, a couple different, you know, maybe celebrity judges to try to, you know, bid on him. How much would they spend to buy the kid? You know, Brad and Angelina for the pilot. They obviously... And they know the value of, you know, what one of these guys costs. What are you going to do with the orphans after the show?
It doesn't really matter. Yeah, whatever.
You guys cops? No. Are we... No. You have to tell me if you're a cop. You know that. No.
Otherwise it's entrapment. We're... I understand, but we're not... Seriously, we're not cops.
All right. Well, as long as you're not cops, I'm in. It's amazing! Let's sell some kids. All right! One, two, three.
Money! |
SaturdayNightLive | vomiting_for_luck_snl | Live From New York Live Live From. I'm terrified. I look ridiculous. Live Saturday Night Saturday Night Live Live From New Hello I'm just scared to death. I was running over a few of my lines scared.
Why? You're gonna be fun, man, you shouldn't be worried about we asked for it's gonna be fun. you're funny guy down. hey, really? yeah, piece of cake. Excuse me for a minute. where are you going? Oh, I see, I've got to. They all do that.
Are you all right? What? Eddie? are you all right? I mean, are you all right?
Yeah, I was just vomiting. Man, for luck. By far me I have. I've thrown up. but not for luck. You do it for luck. You didn't find me before you filmed Halloween. I vomited after I saw the film, but no, no because it was scary. is it scary film? Same reason. look man. we always find me for luck. I'm not superstitious and I don't really feel like being sick.
Well, you do it if you want to do, man. I might bomb a little, get a little later, but we got how I just feel scared. Okay, have a nice show. Showtime, yeah, show time. yeah. oh, I suppose there's no harm in trying. Wow, |
cracked | the_horrifying_truth_about_life_in_the_jetsons_universe | Man, sometimes I wish this were the Jetsons. Like that you were watching the Jetsons? Or that I was singing the Jetsons theme song? No, that life was like the Jetsons.
Did you know that George Jetson only works at 9 hour work week? Less than two hours a day. Just punching a button, making sprockets. Two hour work day.
Solid. Not worth it. What?
That place is terrifying, man. It's like a post-apocalyptic wasteland. They live in the sky. It's beautiful there. Birds love it. They live in the sky because it's the only thing that's left.
No, I don't think that can't be true. Yeah. No, in the Jetsons movie. Jetsons, the movie, the robot, Rosie, Rosie the robot. She pushes a button that lifts the Jetsons apartment up above the planetary smog. They live in the sky because they have to. Oh, we have smogged today. I'm breathing it right now. Also, in the movie where the Jetsons meet the Flintstones, the Jetsons meet the Flintstones. You got to stop doing that.
George character, he sees grass and he's all... That's called grass, son. I remember it from ancient history. Okay, sure. But that's grass. Grass is grass. No, grass is grass. It grows everywhere. It's in the tundra. It's in deserts. It's fucking grass, man. You're fucking grass, man. Like you're having sex with a superhero who's got grass-related powers. You are fucking grass, man. Subject not changed.
In the Jetsons universe, grass can't even grow. So on the planet, it's either so burned or irradiated or polluted that not a single living thing can grow or live. The whole ecosystem is broken down.
Wow. Yeah. No. I mean, it's worse than that.
The Jetsons meet the Flintstones and the Jetsons meet the Flintstones. Wow, that is really annoying. I hear it now. And that means that they're on the same timeline. They exist in the same universe. So what do we know about society and the Flintstones?
Runs on animal slavery.
Yeah, exactly. So that means that all the animals do all their work for them and then the Jetsons, all the robots do the work for them because everything else is gone. So at some point, all the animals became extinct, like because of all that environment stuff I said. Or something way worse. The dinosaurs and the birds were all sentient, right? Yes. It was a living. So the most logical explanation behind all that terrible stuff that happens in the Jetsons is that at some point, there was some sort of dinosaur rebellion. They got tired of being slaves, being garbage disposals and alarm clocks. And then the humans had to go matrix and scorch the sky just to quell the dinosaur uprising. No more atmosphere, no more grass, no more animals, except humans, that's it.
Cool. It should have made that movie. The Jetsons watched the Flintstones kill the dinosaurs and Hanna Barbera really missed the boat. Actually, I heard Hanna was very progressive. Huh. Barbera? Dick, total dickhole. I'd buy that.
Boop, boop. Sho, moop, moop, meow. Spider, spider, spider, spider, Spider-Man.
Hey, thanks for watching that video. You can subscribe here or watch some of our older videos here or here. |
cracked | bookmark_hoarders_reality_tv_about_real_problems_cracked_classic | Good morning, Kevin. My name is Dr. Octogani.
I am a professional therapeutic organizer, and I am here on behalf of the television show Hoarders. We are here to help you with your hoarding compulsion.
Sweet. About time. Come on in. The place is stacked. Let's go, guys. Now, watch your step.
The taco smell bags are dooky. It's a crap carnival in here. I'm sorry. Does your plumbing not work?
Yeah, sure. You want some water? I'm not a monster. No, I'm just wondering why it is that you defecate and Taco Bell bags. Coin proficiency, a turnaround, you know, conservation, outdoor. Inconvenient truth. Can you please put up that cigarette? Yeah, sure. Thank you. Actually, Kevin, we are going to move to the computer first. You're gonna twist up my ties? Run, McAfee? Bring up the Zilla. Well, hey, that's probably not necessary. You have a hundred and fifty three thousand unorganized bookmarks. Taco show? Did you guys say this? Okay, look at Kevin.
So let me get this right, boss. If we don't do this, your slaves aren't gonna clean my house. That's right. Okay, starting at the top.
See now, Kevin, this is just, it's a picture of a dog wearing a world's best whistler t-shirt. You might see it as that, but I see it as my happy picture, and I look at it when I'm feeling blue.
What we can do with that is we can make a good thoughts folder, okay? And we can put it right in there. How about that?
All right. Win-win. Okay.
See now, but this, this is just a video of Kelsey Grammer falling off the stage. All right, that's pretty funny.
Okay, let's put in the good thoughts folder. Eight recipes for bruschetta, really? There's actually an ongoing debate about the use of tarragon. Maybe we can narrow it down to one recipe, huh? You know, uh, there's not a day that goes by that I don't wake up and wish for that very thing. Okay, that, that is just a link to Kevin Bacon's IMDB. That actually goes on my Tremors folder, or should we actually put it in celebrities that make me hungry folder? That's an option, sure. Can we just copy and paste into both, and then even, uh, you know, put it on the bookmark toolbar?
Nope, nope, nope, nope. Gone too far. I'm not letting that one go.
Google.com just to make it your home. It is my home page. Then why do you need a bookmark? I need all them bookmarks.
Hey, this is Kevin Duham. If you can hear me, I'm afraid of fire.
I'm free up. So, we now have 971 links tucked neatly away into 801 folders. Can you clean my house now?
Almost, we're doing great. We just need to take a quick peek at your desktop, okay? Actually, not bad. I'm quite impressed. This is looking really good. Great, what a relief.
Okay, now the hair upstairs, there are two sections. Hold on, hold on. What's this over here in the corner of the desktop?
Camera and action. What? Yeah, hey, uh, I'm Michael. I'm wacky and, uh, I'm in all the videos. So, boopie do. Check them out. Subscribe. I don't know some fucking bullshit they're making us do for the YouTube channel.
This computer is nothing. |
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