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dropout | high_school_facts_quiz_show_with_kevin_hart_tiffany_haddish | Hey, whoa, whoa, we're not filming this, are we? Hello, and welcome to this fake classroom set.
I'm here with Tiffany Haddish and Kevin Hart, stars of the movie Night School. Sorry, I go by the Kevin Hart.
Oh, I see where that's on me. I fucked that up and I really do apologize. Got it.
Before we kick things off, what was your high school experience like? Was it good? Did you enjoy high school?
Yeah, Kevin. Yes. Awesome.
I can't give you a point, unfortunately.
That wasn't a part of the competition. It wasn't a part of it. I wouldn't have did it that fast.
Tiffany, did you have a good high school experience? Wonderful high school experience. I was voted most unforgettable. I was pretty popular in school. There's a plaque on the wall with my name on it.
Wow. I forgot to say that I was the most popular kid in school. Wow. That's awesome. I got voted best dresser most likely to succeed. Wow. I'm pretty sure that's a lie. I was also a starting quarterback for varsity football team and starting point guard for our basketball team. Wow.
And also, I was the best swimmer on our swim team and I was the lead track and field racer on our track team. That was like six sports. That's crazy. Also, I was in track and field and I high jumped six feet. That's twice his height. Also, triple jump, long jump, hurdles.
I forgot to tell you this too. I had such a great aura that it rubbed off on everybody, you know, pretty much spreaded happiness throughout the school. In high school, I was the very first female comic at my school. I forgot to tell you this too.
I know for high school kids you don't really hear about spelling bees, but we would participate in international spelling bees in Indonesia, also Japan, but we didn't learn a different language. Ask them to spell something in Indonesian. Ask them to spell Indonesian. We don't need to get into it now. Can you spell Indonesian?
I can. So, we don't need it. Why? That's not a part of the competition.
Let's get it started. Our first category today is science. I'm a scientist, so we got this. Okay, great.
That's because you cook drugs. No, well, no. I don't cook drugs.
It's your personal business. I'm a buzzin' if you get the correct answer.
True or... Yeah. Tiffany. True. It's false. That is true.
What's the question? True or false. The moon is a planet. False. Correct. What is moon? If it's not a planet, what is... Bonus question. Do you know what it is if it's not a planet? False.
Yeah. It's a star. It's a big old star rock. Does anyone know what it technically is? Yeah.
Crest. It's universe crest.
The question is, what is the moon? Yeah, yeah. What is the moon?
Okay, if I were to do a thing. Yeah. Let me just do a thing. Do a thing, yeah.
It's a rock. Okay, and if you look at the moon, and then you look at everything around the moon, it makes you say, what is it? It looks like a spider. Well, this makes you think, how? That brings me to the second part. I would love to hear the second part. Which is, the moon is, makes you say... It's a rock. I think Tiffany came closest by saying it's a rock.
Next question, what was the name of the satellite that the Soviet Union launched into space in 1957? Kevin. Got it. And that's your answer. Tiffany, do you have an answer? The Australian beacon. And what was yours, Kevin? Huh? What was yours? It's Sputnik. I told you. Next question.
What is the order of the planets? Inside, outside, outside, inside. I would love to go from closest to the sun to farthest from the sun. That's all I need to know. Great. They go in alphabetical order, so... Right. A, B, C, D, E. Earth is first. Yeah, uh-oh. F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Pluto. The order is... Q, R, F. Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter. Got it. Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter. Next question.
What is the powerhouse of the cell? Nucleus.
No. Incorrect. It's incorrect.
I should have said this is also multiple choice. Yes. Oh. Well, you give us multiple choice. Yes.
Guys, we have concluded the game. Congratulations, Tiffany. You are our winner.
Kevin, you lost. D. Kevin, you lost. Kevin spelled loser. You spelled loser, Kevin.
Honestly, it's okay. There's no losers here because you don't need this information ever again.
Thank you guys so much for watching, and please watch Night School, which opens in theaters everywhere, September 28th. Yes, everywhere. I forgot to tell you this, too.
A lot of kids called me sunlight. They called you sunlight. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_snooki_saturday_night_live | As I mentioned before, there are rumors circulating that Nicole Snooki-polizzi is having a baby. here to comment: the love of my life, Snooki. All right! Hi, America! it's me, your girl Snooki! Whoo! Hi! good to see you! I'm so happy to have you back.
You know, I have to say, Snooki, it does break my heart a little bit because I feel like, I don't know, I feel like I missed my chance, you know? a lot of people are saying that, well, that you might be pregnant. Oh, Seth, look, if I was pregnant, and I'm not saying that I am, I would be really excited, you know? pregnancy should be a magical time, like Mardi Gras or Cinco de Mayo or wet wet Wednesdays at Senor Frogs. So, Snooki, have you ever thought about being a mother? Honestly, Seth, never once in my life did I once think. that's the end of that. Snooki, shouldn't you be drinking if you're pregnant? Hey, yo, Seth, don't be stupid. it's just V8 Red Bull and Jacuzzi water. Plus, Seth, I mean, does it feel like I'm pregnant? Well, I don't know.
Oh, my god! I think your baby just punched me. there's slight mayweather in there. So, Snooki, it's been reported that you're already thinking about baby names. that's right. if I was pregnant and I had a boy, the name would be Frankie Angelo Claudio Scarface, Italian name, Italian name Angelo Canole Polizzi. and if it's a girl? God help us all. So, Snooki, not to be too jealous, but I got to know, who's the lucky, lucky father?
No comment. hey, honey. are you almost done? I've been waiting downstairs for like an hour.
I told you to wait in the car, Johnny! all I want to do is love you and you won't let me! sorry about that, Seth. hashtag Snooki problems. Snooki, everyone! The Lorax and Theatres Now! Also, of course, we can thank you for that. good night. thanks for watching! |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_prof_douglas_hedley | We'll settle an argument that has raged for centuries. Which is better, the Bible or the Quran? The Quran. So that one.
Did a philosopher ever think of an idea so big it split their head open? Not that I'm aware of. You know how the human brain is full of pipes? Philosophers could- I'm not.
You didn't know about that? I didn't know about that.
Okay, well, the brain's full of pipes. You know how philosophers have these thoughts and they try and push these thoughts through these pipes. When you're having a big idea, is it best to break it up into lots of little thoughts about the size of peas and squeeze them through in quick succession, or just bite the bullet and force it through your mind pipe in one huge clod, like grit in your teeth and thinking for dear life? Well, that's a very interesting way of describing two general tendencies in philosophy. One, the more analytic style, which means cutting problems up into bite-sized portions, and the other, a more synthetic approach, which takes on a larger perspective. So your characterization is, in fact, a rather intriguing delineation of two major strands in current philosophy.
Is that good? Excellent. Great.
Why do humans need to believe in something bigger than ourselves? Is it so we don't feel quite so fat? Well, I think the sense of purpose and value constitutes a very important element of a happy life. But it must help if you think how big the world is. Suddenly you feel a lot slimmer.
Quite possibly. Some people have a sudden religious conversion, don't they? My mate Paul was driving to Winchester when a lorry jack knifed in front of him, and he was hurtling towards it, and everything went slo-mo. And Paul, who's never been religious, spoke to Jesus and said, I promise if I survive this, I'll believe in you. And he did survive, but he fractured his skull and brought both his legs. Why did Jesus do that to him? Well, you've raised a very significant question about the nature of providence.
Have I? You have indeed.
If we believe in a good God, why is there so much evil in the world? Now, your friend... Paul. ..Paul, his accident, you know, to what extent can one blame God for that? See, Paul never forgave him. He said, if I ever see Christ again, he's a dead man. Right.
Jim Descartes. Well, I don't know who Jim Descartes might be, but I do know that Rene Descartes is often thought of as the founder of modern philosophy.
What did he mean by, I think, therefore I am? Descartes meant that self-awareness, self-consciousness is the defining feature of human identity. So, hang on, if I think therefore I am, what about other people? Do they think therefore they are? How can I tell if they're thinking therefore they are? Or am I just thinking they think therefore they are, but actually they're not real and I'm only thinking they are? Are you thinking therefore you are right now? Well, I wouldn't want to say that my existence is dependent upon my thought, but that is not the claim that Descartes wants to make.
Is it possible to think you're someone else? Like, if I thought really hard that I was Eddie Murphy, could I eventually become him? If I did become him, would he become me or would he just disappear?
Did Descartes ever cover this stuff? No, that's not a topic that Descartes is covering, as far as I'm aware. Why not? |
cracked | some_news_vladimir_putin_s_war_against_america_paul_ryan_s_war_against_himself_more | Hey you, here's some news. 38 million pieces of trash were found washed up on an uninhabited island in the Pacific.
We did it! Arrested Development has been officially renewed for season 5, which means it's officially almost half as good as Bones. 12 seasons.
Betsy DeVos plans to kill the Public Service Loan Forgiveness Program, which forgives student loans to people who, among other public services, become public schoolteachers. In case you're unaware, DeVos is the Secretary of Education. That's like the Secretary of Education making life harder for teachers and students.
How did she get that job? Donald Trump nominated her? Why? The President is supposed to nominate that person. He's what?
Chris Cornell has died. He was the front man for Soundgarden and Audio Slave.
We're obviously not going to do any jokes about this. It would be in poor taste.
So we'll just talk about Roger Ailes instead, who also died. The former Fox News CEO had a bit of a fall from grace recently on account of a decades-long history of severe sexual harassment and enabling of other severe sexual harassment. But I do want to be fair and balanced. You know, times like these, it's important to separate the man who forced employees to suck his d*** from his art, which worked tirelessly to divide the nation and destroy public discourse. In lieu of flowers, f*** this guy. Ailes is survived by ghouls and demons. And I'm just getting word, if you thought that was mean and unhelpful and in really poor taste and doesn't contribute to civil discussion, send your thanks to Roger Ailes, deceased. And then suck his d*** if you want to keep your job.
In other news, in a seemingly nonstop barrage of stories and engulfing, the President found time to tweet the word we and only the word we, eventually deleting it. I know it's not important and I don't want to goof on the old President too much and there are other things going on, but what was his tweet going to say? Is he saving it? Like, later will he tweet, like, we must fight everybody but me. Or was it not even supposed to be the word we? Because the following day he tweeted, wishing Flotus Melania and all of the great mothers out there a wonderful day ahead with family and friends happy Mother's Day. According to the LA Times, he tweeted this, obviously, while his wife celebrated Mother's Day with her family in New York, which is nearby and easy to get to for the President. But maybe he was trying to schedule that tweet. You know, typed wi, auto corrected it to we, and then hit enter immediately, like a very smart man. The only other explanation I can think of is that he was originally going to tweet, we wish you a merry Flotus, which would have been amazing and I would have forgiven him for everything he's ever said and ever done. But he didn't. I rescind my offer for all future Mother's Days. Since then, no tweets starting with we.
Perhaps we'll never know what this was going to be. Perhaps one day we won't want to know.
Because he'll just do something kind of similar like a day later and tweet, I have been asking Director Comey and others from the beginning of my administration to find the leakers in the intelligence community. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. And this was days ago.
And that's it. There was no conclusion. The five dots indicate a follow up. Sometimes it takes him a while to craft the second part of the sentence he didn't think of ahead of time, but he always finishes it. And not only has it been five days, it's been more than a day. And there is still no end to this sentence. So please just finish your sentence, Mr. President. And if you're not going to finish it, you're not saying anything.
You're just telling everybody a thing that frustrates you. I like my leaders like I like my coffee. Complaining about and blaming others. Leave us alone. Get your house in order, sir.
And now for a segment we like to call, hey, it's not all bad. Some of it is very, very bad.
Sheriff David Clark has claimed that he's taking a top job at the Department of Homeland Security. Clark is notorious for calling for the suspension of habeas corpus in the United States, running a jail accused of abusing inmates, including letting one die of dehydration, and shackling a pregnant woman while she was in labor, parentheses, the baby died. Threatening citizens who disagree with him politically, boilerplate maniac stuff, criticizing Beyonce.
He's been quoted as saying, there is no police brutality in America. We ended that back in the 60s. When we asked America for comment, it leaked footage of a police officer in Bulk Springs, Texas, tasing a handcuffed black man. The officer, James Young, was the field training officer for Officer Roy Oliver, who recently shot and killed African-American 15-year-old Jordan Edwards while he was in the backseat of a car, fleeing a fun party. And this just in, some footage of a Vegas police officer tasing an unarmed black man seven times and putting him in an unauthorized chokehold.
Anyway, congratulations on your new position at the Department of Homeland Security.
Please don't hurt people. This has been It's Not All Bad. Some of it is very, very bad.
A transcript has been leaked in which Republican Representative Kevin McCarthy commented to House Speaker Paul Ryan and other GOP members that then-presidential candidate Donald Trump was likely getting paid by Vladimir Putin.
When asked about this, those involved said it never happened. When told that it was on tape, they said it did happen, and that it was simply a joke. Which brings us to another installment of Is This A Joke? Is this a joke?
At the time of the recording, the Russia-Trump collusion conspiracy wasn't a thing. There were a few random articles here and there about how Donald Trump has some connections to Russia. For example, according to his two elder sons, they get a lot or most of their money from Russia, but there was no hysteria that Donald Trump was a puppet of Vladimir Putin.
Not yet. So what's the joke? McCarthy says, swear to God, and then they said, this is off the record, no leaks, and what's said in the family stays in the family, like a bunch of actual criminals. Also, eerily similar to how Mitch Hedberg would end all of his stand-up sets with, don't you f***ing tell anyone about my jokes. Also, President Trump claims that when President Obama warned him about Michael Flynn, he thought it was a joke. Republicans in the White House claim that Trump asking Comey to drop the case on Flynn was also a joke. So is everyone just hilarious? Could you maybe not joke around about that stuff?
Perhaps more alarming than the joke that's dominating the news is what Paul Ryan says before about Vladimir Putin's influence on Ukraine and other parts of the world. Quote, what Russia is doing, financing populists, financing people and governments to undo governments, you know, messing with oil and gas energy, all the things Russia does to basically blow up a country.
At a press conference when asked if he still has complete confidence in the president, Ryan paused for nine years and managed to squimper out an I do. Let's watch. Mr. Speaker, do you still have full confidence in the president?
I do. The saddest coward. Look at him. He knows how funny it is. I do.
In other congressional news, Chuck Schumer's cigar exploded again. In the executive branch, in order to stave off suspicion that the president has any sort of unsavory relationship with Russia, the president fired the FBI director who was in the middle of investigating him for that. Then, first thing the next morning, had a private meeting with the Russian ambassador and foreign minister and a Russian photographer who took photos of them all laughing together. In that meeting, the president leaked classified information to, you know, our Russian adversaries. And if you disagree with that characterization, I've got a Paul Ryan behind closed doors who can't wait to talk to you. The leaked information was apparently so top secret, it's in the category above top secret. Trump first claimed he didn't do this, then he claimed he did, but it's okay because he's the president, which is true. He is the president. And he can declassify classified, or in this case, the most classified information if he wants to.
There is usually a process of assessment with experts beforehand, but hey, there's no satisfying end to this sentence. The president claims that he shared this information for humanitarian reasons, but according to the president's old vlog that's been removed from YouTube, and I sure hope someone saved it, he doesn't actually know what humanitarian means, because in 2011, he suggested going into Libya on a humanitarian basis, but then as payment, we'd take some of their oil. Oh, we did save it. We should do on a humanitarian basis, immediately go into Libya, knock this guy out very quickly, very surgically, very effectively, and save the lives. After it's all done, we go to the protesters who end up running the country, they're gonna like us a lot better than they will if we don't do it, more importantly, save lives, and we should then say, by the way, from all of your oil, we want reimbursement. We should've said, we'll help you, but we want 50% of your oil.
They would've absolutely said, okay, 100%. In fact, they would've said, how about 75%?
Humanitarian in chief. In response to everyone's suspicions of his suspicious behavior, the president said in a press conference that there was no collusion between Russia and his campaign, but he only speaks for himself. And breaking news, just now the New York Times has released a transcript of the president's meeting with the Russians in which he said, quote, I just fired the head of the FBI.
He was crazy, you know, a real nut job. I faced great pressure because of Russia. That's taken off. In other words, the Russia investigation sleeps with the fishes.
There's just too much news constantly. Stories change. Is Comey good or bad? Is Russia-linked WikiLeaks good or bad? It's overwhelming.
During the week, Vladimir Putin said that America was experiencing political schizophrenia. He was specifically referring to the president meeting with the Russian ambassador and foreign minister 12 hours after firing the FBI director, who was in the middle of investigating his campaign for possible collusion with Russia. Funny thing, though, Trump met with them because Putin asked him to.
And Mr. President, just be like, nobody, not today, I think that might look bad. Or, not today, maybe it would definitely look really, really bad. You're supposed to be tough, Mr. President. Say no to a meeting.
Putin engages in something called nonlinear warfare with his longtime advisor Vladislav Surkov. Its purpose is to undermine people's perception of the world so they don't know what's fake or real. Funding organizations on opposing sides, things like that. Even online, there are bots that push fake stories, trolls that don't say what they mean, but maybe they mean it, and real people all mixed up. So there's no way to ever know what's really going on.
When Putin smirks and says we're experiencing political schizophrenia, he's gloating about how f***ing with everybody is working. And when the president praises him, that's alarming. And when Paul Ryan talks about what Russia is doing, financing populists, financing people in governments to undo governments, you know, messing with oil and gas energy, all the things Russia does to basically blow up a country.
Actually, we've run out of time. Mr. Ryan, really quick follow up. Do you have full confidence in the president? I do.
Neat. Thanks for watching until the end. This has been news, but only some of it. Hey everybody, thanks for watching that video. If you want to subscribe to our channel, hit the big C in the middle. And if you want to watch more videos, hit the two boxes on the right. For notifications on when we have new videos go up, hit the little bell icon. And that's all the information you need. Welcome to YouTube. |
TheOnion | Diet_Book_Author_Advocates_New_No_Food_Diet | Hey, you want to stick around because coming up a little bit later in the hour, we're going to be visited by some Chinese acrobats who are going to make you just plumb forget about the horrors of their government back home. Perfect. You're going to watch that.
But first, you know, even with exercise, it can be very difficult to lose weight, can't it?
Well, it is. It is.
But help is on the way because joining us this morning is Alana Brixton Bramby, author of the new self-help book, Don't Eat Your Desk. Alana, welcome. Thank you. You're fabulous. Thank you.
Now, I understand, Alana, that all the tips in this book come from your own personal struggle with weight loss. Jim, absolutely. Like all the ladies out there, I have had to struggle to control my weight. So common.
I used to not eat at all. No breakfast, no lunch, no dinner. I wasn't getting even close to my weight loss goals.
Even with all that? Yes.
It's those hidden calories I was eating without even realizing it. With hidden calories like the cream in my coffee or the pencil that you mindlessly chew on, when that pencil is done, you've consumed 26 calories. I had no idea it was that many. Wow. At the office, I was consuming Post-It notes one after the other. I was gnawing at the table in the conference room. Kind of unconsciously, right? That was so delicious, I had to restrain myself. You can't help but snack like that.
It's true. Now, I love this. I think you have a very handy chart to help keep track of the calories that you consume during the day. Well, now take a look at this. A bath mat is 387 calories, 420 calories for baseball, and yet a tennis ball is only 126. Well, that's because it's filled with air. Right, of course. It's all about those smart choices. Why eat a washcloth when a whole box of Kleenexes is going to kill those hunger pangs just as well and it's only half the calories? Half? Well, if you happen to start crying uncontrollably without warning, you have your Kleenex box right there. So practical. Perfect.
You know, but we're all human and inevitably it happens. What do you do when you hit that moment of weakness? Well, of course, I mean, nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes.
I've gone home, I've looked at a pillow, and I had to have it. I had to eat it. I saw the brocade. It had to be inside me.
Don't worry. I mean, the best of us have done that. The answer is really to just be vigilant and have like a diet journal so every stupid thing you put in your goddamn mouth, you know what it is. So you've got it written down and you've got to face facts. Absolutely. That's such a good idea. But it's not all about self-control.
That telephone you've been craving, go ahead, you can eat it. Just don't eat the cords and the buttons. Oh, why not? In case in this kind of pliable plastic and it's 30% more caloric than just the rest of the phone.
Such good information. Oh, Alana. Thank you so much. You've shed so much light. Shed weight and shed light, too.
Of course, we all have a ways to go. I know I'm still fat, but I am getting there and I am committed. It's a journey. It's a struggle. Have the commitment I know.
What an inspiration you are. Thank you.
I'm happy with myself. I'm happy with my body image. I'm just a happy, happy person. I'm just so happy. Oh, boy, am I happy. |
dropout | if_hand_turkeys_were_real | It's Thanksgiving, a time for family mountains of mashed potatoes and kids tracing out hand turkeys. And no one knows hand turkeys like Gemberly Farms. Gemberly Farms hand turkeys are plump and succulent. They're delicious whether you prefer finger meat, the little leggy bits, or the part that's both a thumb and a face. Once you've had a real Gemberly Farms hand turkey, you'll never scrub the memory from your mind, no matter how hard you try. Because at Gemberly Farms, all our hand turkeys live the way Mother Nature intended, briefly, if at all. And there's a turkey sized for any appetite, large, medium, or presidential. Got leftovers? Gemberly Farms hand turkeys make for great turkey burgers. So this Thanksgiving, let us give you a hand with dinner. We know you'll give it two thumb slash faces way up. Gemberly Farms and turkeys, what nightmare hath man wrought.
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please, please help, please help. |
cracked | how_nintendo_and_the_legend_of_zelda_are_finally_growing_up_escort_mission_breath_of_the_wild | Whoa, this is beautiful. Look at that grass waving around makes me feel Yeah, I guess so what are you kidding me those mountains in the distance those horses running around that gorgeous panorama of a Castle trapped in purple spider web.
What what game is this? It's a Sorry It's the legend of Zelda breath of the wild. Okay. Whoa, this is Zelda, but isn't that a Nintendo game? Yes, I kept hearing it was so amazing. I finally caved and bought a Nintendo switch But just for this one game and smash brothers, you happy you're sadness never brings me happiness, dude, but yeah So you're not gonna give me shit. I mean, I'm a little surprised, you know, you've always said that Nintendo makes Digital mobiles for babies. Yeah, I thought you're more sophisticated than that, you know more of a Sega man Hey, I will speed run through blue stinger right now Okay, and sonic CD is no no You know what? I've grown I am an adult consumer now with disposable income that amply supports a multi-platform lifestyle I don't need to engage in these childish console wars and how dare you Accuse me of betraying my ten-year-old self because I haven't I haven't Okay. Okay. So how is it the amazing?
You have so much freedom after the first part you can basically go anywhere and do anything Nintendo finally got rid of all the bullsh** hand holding for kids. No more linear puzzle solving just to move the plot forward No annoying fairies shouting tips at you every five seconds and no more collecting items and unlocking powers before you get to access the temples Wait, they get rid of all the powers and items and stuff. No, they give you all the powers that you'll need right up top There's like an hour-long beginning area where they give you all your basic abilities after that the world of what? It's the closest thing to an oyster in the Zelda verse But if they just give you everything you need at the beginning of the game How is that not hand holding game has a tutorial this one gives you a little area where you do some?
Mildly guided exploring and then you get the hang glider that you'll need to see the rest of Hyrule But spoiler alert the guy who gives it to use actually the king of Hyrule. He's just preparing you for your mission to rescue So why would the king just give you his hang glider? He's a king with a hang glider.
He's not giving that up He already knows that you're the legendary hero of old Everybody does cuz you get this thing called a Sheikah slate helps you manage your inventory fast travel around the world. See So they give you a little Nintendo switch to play while you're playing with your little Nintendo switch damn it I knew you were gonna say that yes. All right, they give your character a little Nintendo switch It's the one cutesy bullshit thing they do, but who cares? It's useful Mmm, a little switch buddy is so intuitive a baby could use it Anyway, the Sheikah slate lets everyone know that you're the hero I mean you're basically the only person who doesn't know the whole premise of the game ahead of time Most of the game is you wandering around trying to piece it together. What's it? Well, see that's the coolest part All right.
Well, you find out is Ganon already won like a hundred years ago He conquered Hyrule and reduced huge portions of it to ruins you were there when it happened But when you lost you got put to sleep for a hundred years and when you woke up, you don't remember any of it I'm going around unlocking my memory. So once you get the whole backstory, do you find out where Ganon is and rescue the princess? Oh, I know where he is. He's in that castle I can fight him whenever but I figured I better collect some heart containers and items first So I don't get slaughtered and where do you get the heart containers from these like old monk dudes who were around when Ganon took over? There's a hundred and twenty of them scattered all over Hyrule I earned their respect by solving puzzles Then they give me magic orbs that I can turn into more life and stand those guys already know you're the hero, right?
Yes, cuz without the Sheikah slate, I wouldn't even be able to get inside their shrine No wonder these stingy bastards got conquered if everybody already knows you're the hero Why make you go through any of this? Why not? Just give you the orb straight away Hero has to prove himself not when everybody already agrees that you're the hero You know why these old dudes hanging out and shrines scattered far apart from one another anyway What isn't the king just give you a hang glider and a sack of dragon balls and tell you the whole story of what happened Oh, I don't know Maybe they're a little hesitant to invest all these resources into one guy who already failed a generation ago.
Oh My god Zelda is about the switch The story of this game is the story of the Nintendo switch Okay, so wait Nintendo has been losing the console wars for a while, right? I mean after the Wii they came out with the Wii U and subsequently got crushed by generations of Playstations and Xboxes People been saying for years that they should just get out of the hardware game as Sega so wisely chose to do So why don't they cuz obviously they still believe they can win Look at the narrative of this flagship game Hyrule like Nintendo has been totally destroyed by an evil that reincarnates every cycle Get it. That's the generations of Xboxes and Playstations Destroying Nintendo in terms of sales and cultural relevance.
So what do they do? How do they fight back? They make the switch.
Yes a system that is part game boy part Wii and part old-school NES and in Zelda It is literally the mark of the hero the tool that you have to have to defeat Gannon the tool That awakens the ancient magic that wants to stay in the thriving kingdom of Hyrule I mean the switch is basically your key to an all-new world of adventure. Yeah, that's a pretty cool parallel But there's more dude. There's more cuz while I'm out here using my switch I'm triggering memories about what it was like a hundred years ago in better times When Link and Zelda were together preparing to fight their enemies or in Nintendo's case when they still had marketplace Dominance also the game designers put themselves in the story. Yeah Yeah, those old monks and kings who watch Gannon destroy their beloved Hyrule. That's them They've been there to witness the ebbs and flows of Nintendo's influence That's why they make you use your switch to find their hidden shrines and solve the puzzles. They don't need proof You're a hero. No, they know you're the hero because you bought the switch They just make you use it because they know you'll have fun and making you have fun is their religion It's what they've dedicated their lives to So still not nuanced enough for you.
It's cool. I guess But Sonic is real fast. Oh my god, you get a couple chili dogs in him. Oh, he can move Good SEGA forever Saturn 9 game gear master system genesis of all fun Do you actually know why Sonic is fast?
It's very interesting story. No, it's not Oh, hi, I didn't see you there. Thanks for watching another escort mission Don't forget to see some of our related videos on the rail there Click the C in the middle to subscribe to the crack channel or hit up that little bell over there I don't know which way to point but it's gonna give you notifications whenever we post a new video And we got a lot more escort missions coming So click that Bell |
SaturdayNightLive | the_laid_back_neutral_mcs_saturday_night_live | The east coast west coast rap war has heated up and now Quick Mix Records brings you the new Cd from the posse that ain't afraid to admit they're afraid. that's right, it's the laid back, neutral Mcs. with their new album, the east coast and the West coast are both great. these brothers want no part of that whole coastal beef. check out this jammy titled, let's learn a Lesson from the Switz. Yo, come on, wait! yo, check it out, y'all. I ain't here at the front of this. let's learn a lesson from the Switz. East coast and West coast are both really great. let's learn a lesson from the Switz. yeah, I consider myself bicoastal, y'all. that's right, the laid back, neutral Mcs have single-handedly brought the word wuss into the hip-hop vernacular.
And you'll be the Og of the house party when you put on track number seven, I'm a coward. as I slink down the street, hiding behind cars, then I see a guy coming in. a gangster stand. yo, G, what you do? yo, I wet my pants, cause I'm a coward. coward! Yo, we met my sister. Peace Out, y'all. you'll also get other songs like, you're right, sir, I am a punk. John Lennon had some really good ideas. you don't like John Lennon? me neither. let's everyone just settle down. you're right, my mother is ugly.
That's okay, you can have my parking space. as a matter of fact, you can have my car. don't hurt me, I'm a veteran. And thank you, Sir, may I have another.
Yes, this record is the bomb, so buy it now. Peace out, y'all. Yeah, please support the peace movement, all right. the Cd is available at Sam Goody's at Christ Our Lord Records. |
dropout | when_your_date_s_apartment_sucks_ch_shorts | Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Sweetie! Hey. Thank you so much for meeting me at work.
Yeah, of course. We all good? We are good to go, let's head on home. Yeah, let me just text my roommates and tell them that we are on our way.
Are we doing your place or my place? Oh, we could do either. Oh, yeah, your place, my place, whichever, yeah, those two apartments, I can do either one.
Great, me too. Dope, dope, dope, dope, dope.
Do you still have that mouse problem? Oh, no, no, no, the carbon monoxide leak just killed them all.
So, yeah, now we have rats. Ah. Yeah. Oh, okay. So, if you have rats at your place, maybe we do. Oh, totally, totally, yeah. Except that we've spent the last two nights at your place and I feel like we've never spent the night at my place. Totally, totally, totally, totally, totally. So, we should.
Let's see which one's farther away. Oh. Oh, wow, they are equidistant from this very point. Wow, that is unlikely, right? Yeah, you'd think one would be closer, but they're the exact same.
I just remembered something. My roommate got in touch with me.
He cooked two full dinners and he couldn't eat them, so they're just waiting at my apartment. He said that we could have them. Wait, hold on, why can't he eat his own food? Emergency, he got called in to work at the Michelin star restaurant where he cooks.
Oh, man, this is a puzzler, huh? What are we gonna do? Yeah. Oh, I have food at my place. What do you have? Oh, I have a Ziploc bag full of oats. Yeah, and some nasty bread. All right, well, we both have food. Oh, man, what are we gonna do? Cool, cool, cool. Yeah.
Oh, what's the parking like at your spot? Oh, yeah, so the riots haven't stopped yet, but if you just go like a couple of hundred blocks, there is definitely like a spot or two just somewhere, so. Oh, yeah. Yeah, how's the parking at your place? It's pretty good at my spot. Oh, sure, but you have that new parking ordinance. Yes, there is a new parking ordinance. The city actually pays you to park in my neighborhood because all the available spots were a safety concern, so.
Oh. Yeah. No, I don't understand that. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Oh, I know, mm-hmm. Oh, ooh, ooh, I have to feed my cat. Oh, that's right. How are they doing? Oh, yeah, terrible. No.
And you're stress pooping everywhere ever since they won oldest at the county fair. Oh, oh, God, poor little guys. Very cool that the county fair splits an award between six cats.
Oh, nope. Ah, another one. Seven.
This stray just sort of wandered right into the hole in my bedroom wall, so. Oh, the hole, the one that lets in the freezing cold air from the dark alley where your drunk, scary neighbors yell all the time.
That is the one. I know it well.
It's great. Okay, all right, fine. Just find, fuck it. We will go back to your apartment, okay? Just fuck it.
Jesus Christ, Brennan. Sweetie, I'm really sorry.
I never wanna make you feel bad about where you live. I have a nice apartment, but that doesn't matter. It's only fair that we spend the same amount of time at both of our places, and I'm sorry. Let's spend the night at your place.
Thank you. Really, I appreciate that.
Do you still have that roommate who flies into violent seizures if he hears people having sex? Oh, yeah, but he'll be on the porch selling bat salts all night, and he's probably not even gonna hear us over the sound of my cats blasting hot shit all over your shoes.
Rad, rad, rad, rad, rad, rad. Hey, guys, it's Brennan from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff, and please keep watching, because if you stop watching, I start to vanish. Get it?
I'm not really real. I'm just a thing on your screen. Don't forget me! |
cracked | why_alien_news_has_to_remain_a_secret_we_re_not_alone_episode_4 | I can't believe how quickly they can just pack up and leave. Well, they don't need us anymore.
And now that the whole world knows, yeah, I'm sure they have press conferences and, like, pope stuff. They're probably talking to the pope. We have such a cool pope right now. I'm so jealous.
So are we going to go back to our actual office or? Work in the bunker forever and never?
Yeah, that's what we're going to do. Totally agree. But we still have our job to do. And I know that technically you're in charge. But if you weren't, it would be your shift. And I would be saying something like, I need you to continue to monitor. As acting captain of what I have just decided is our new office, I have decree that you will be monitoring all sound waves and bloops. And I will be watching TV and drinking my very special, just in case aliens contact us. Scotch. Yeah. I don't totally respect your authority yet. But I thought it was really nice of you to tell the UN, you know, protocol. TV. In many to immediately begin stockpiling weapons and ammunition in an attempt to.
Are we going to let these animals from another planet come to our planet and take our jobs? Or are we going to take action? I mean, is this a white, American, Christian planet? Or is it? Why, for one, have an opinion?
The Bible is very clear. And in the context of God, Jesus wept.
Do I have to be the one who says what everyone is thinking? What if these aliens are sexy? Seriously, no one is talking about this. And I think, on a base level, we need to know what the rules are before we make up.
I created businesses. I created a baseball team.
I've dined with all the cool dukes. And now I will meet these aliens while the rest of the world argues over what to do. I will be remembered as the man who met the aliens in a state-of-the-art spacecraft I built myself while the United States government twisted itself in knots of bureaucratic impotence. Rest assured, the aliens will be meeting the best that we have to offer via me, Jeremiah Brze, leader in business, innovator in the field of sexuality, and the first to meet and either sleep or drink with the aliens.
Ciao. And then I said, I am. And then I explained the importance of controlling your entrance to make a good first impression. You know how the rest goes. How are you here? The press conference said it was live. It wasn't Patriot Act. You want to tell the UN about it? So not sorry.
You know, where I come from, we have a saying about snitches. They are a blight upon society. We were following protocol. Just like the Nazis did, and our founding fathers didn't. Everyone chooses their team. Still think we're on the right side of history, aren't we?
For herstering. Before I go, I want to let you both know that I updated the way you categorize stars. Trust me, it's better. And I rearranged your break room in a way that more effectively utilizes the space. Don't crowd the room. You have to make sure traffic can flow through. I didn't do this because I've developed any fondness for you, because I'm a fixer. Carly, your desk chair upstairs no longer squeaks when you lean back on it. That one was for fondness. Put some real goddamn pants on.
Come on. Dismiss me. Well, back to you. No. What? You did not even let me finish? I was going to say work. No. I ain't putting my foot down.
I did a really nice protocol following thing for you. So you're going to do a really nice protocol breaking thing for me. Like what?
Space is so fucking cool. You know Carl Sagan said, NASA would inspire kids to explore the universe, and POC would inspire adults to explore the universe. Carl Sagan was so fucking cool.
Yeah, he's the reason I do this job. He's the reason I'm named Carly.
Mm-hmm. True story. Really? Yeah.
My parents are big fans. They also thought I was going to be a boy. Made an on-the-fly adjustment. We weren't very creative folks. I would have preferred like Caroline or Carl Burley.
It's weird we have to just go back to our regular jobs now. Yeah, regular jobs of searching for aliens. It's just so much more boring now that I've experienced finding aliens.
Big dumb general gets to do all the fun stuff. Big dumb president, too. Big dumb like everybody is like.
Did you bring your computer to our let's get high and not work time? No. You love protocol. No, I don't. I love it. No, I do. I love it.
Holy shit. What? The aliens, they sent another signal. Holy shit. It's coordinates.
They're from Jupiter. Oh, they're coming fast. They're coming fast.
We got to get the general back. And we have to get everyone back here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Get everybody.
Oh, boy. That was stupid. Too fast.
I got it.
Hey, I'm Michael Manfria. Like this video, subscribe to crack.com. Hey, let's get a poll going. When aliens show up, are we going to nuke them, or should we have a space jam with them?
I know what I would like to do, but I also wouldn't mind seeing an intergalactic basketball game. Or baseball. Maybe baseball. I like baseball. Basketball's OK.
Yeah. I really like that one. We'll just try it again. All right. And action.
And let's get a poll going. When aliens show up, what should we do? Should we nuke them, or should we space jam with them? Work in the bunker forever and ever? Yeah, that's what we're going to do. Totally agree. But we still have our job to do.
And I know that technically you're in charge. But if you weren't, it would be your shift. And I would be saying something like, I need you to continue to mire. As acting captain of what I have just decided is our new office, I have decree that you will be monitoring all sound waves and bloops. And I will be watching TV and drinking my very special, just in case aliens contact us. Scotch. I don't totally respect your authority yet. But I thought it was really nice of you to tell the UN, you know, protocol. TV. Paying money to immediately begin stockpiling weapons and ammunition in an attempt to...
Are we going to let these animals from another planet come to our planet and take our jobs? Or are we going to take action? I mean, is this a white, American, Christian planet? Or is it? Why, for one, have an opinion. The Bible is very clear on aliens. And in the context of God, Jesus wept. Do I have to be the one who says what everyone is thinking? What if these aliens are sexy? Seriously, no one is talking about this. And I think on a base level, we need to know what the rules are before we make up.
I created businesses. I created a baseball team.
I've dined with all the cool dukes. And now I will meet these aliens while the rest of the world argues over what to do. I will be remembered as the man who met the aliens in a state-of-the-art spacecraft I built myself, while the United States government twisted itself in knots of bureaucratic impotence. Rest assured, aliens will be meeting the best that we have to offer via me, Jeremiah Briss, leader in business, innovator in the field of sexuality, and the first to meet and either sleep or drink with the aliens.
Ciao! And then I said, I am. And then I explained the importance of controlling your entrance to make a good first impression. You know how the rest goes. How are you here?
The press conference said it was live. It wasn't. Patriot Act. You want to tell the UN about it? Still not sorry.
You know, where I come from, we have a saying about snitches. They are a blight upon society. We were following protocols. Just like the Nazis did and our founding fathers didn't. Everyone chooses their team. Still think we're on the right side of history, aren't we?
Before I go, I want to let you both know that I updated the way you categorize stars. Trust me, it's better. And I rearranged your break room in a way that more effectively utilizes the space. Don't crowd the room. You have to make sure traffic can flow through. I didn't do this because I have developed any fondness for you. But because I'm a fixer. Carly, your desk chair upstairs no longer squeaks when you lean back on it. That one was for fondness. Put some real goddamn pants on.
Come on. Dismiss me. Well, back to... No. What, you did not even let me finish? I was gonna say work. No. I ain't putting my foot down.
I did a really nice protocol following thing for you. So, you're gonna do a really nice protocol breaking thing for me. Like what?
Space is so fucking cool. You know Carl Sagan said NASA would inspire kids to explore the universe. And pot would inspire adults to explore the universe. Carl Sagan was so fucking cool.
Yeah, he's the reason I do this job. He's the reason I'm named Carly.
True story. Really? Yeah.
My parents are big fans. They also thought I was gonna be a boy. Made an on-the-fly adjustment. We weren't very creative folks. I would've preferred like Caroline or Carl Burley.
It's weird we have to just go back to our regular jobs now. Yeah, regular jobs of searching for aliens. It's just so much more boring now that I've experienced finding aliens.
Big dumb general gets to do all the fun stuff. Big dumb president too. Big dumb like everybody is like...
Did you bring your computer to our let's get high and not work time? No. You love protocol. No, I don't. I love it. No, I do. I love it.
Holy shit. What? The aliens, they sent another signal. Holy shit. It's coordinates. From Jupiter?
Oh, they're coming fast. They're coming fast.
We gotta get the general back. We have to get everyone back here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Get everybody.
Oh boy. That was stupid. It's too fast. I got it. We have a space jam with them. I mean, I know what I would like to do, but...
I also wouldn't mind seeing an intergalactic basketball game. Or baseball. Maybe baseball. I like baseball. Basketball's okay.
I'm gonna try another one. I really like that one. We'll just try that again. Alright. Hey, I'm Michael Nantria. I play the general.
Click like for this video and subscribe to crack.com and let's get a poll going. When aliens show up, what should we do? Should we nuke them or should we space jam with them? |
cracked | george_washington_totally_predicted_president_donald_trump_and_fake_news | Hey, I'm Zorabi Kangaga, and like many of you out there, I've been feeling a little anxious about what's been happening in our capital right now. By the way, that's actual footage of a cabinet meeting.
No, I'm just kidding.
Clearly, that's Voldemort and a bunch of Death Eaters. But if we're making comparisons, Bannon's definitely Voldemort, Trump is Bellatrix Lestrange, Putin's Nagini, and Jeff Sessions is obviously creature of the racist House elf, but anyway.
We can act as surprised as we want about how far democracy has fallen, but you know who wouldn't have been surprised? George f***ing Washington, because he predicted that s***, 221 years ago. Look, I'm not saying that George Washington was the Professor Trey Lonnie of the Founding Fathers. Obviously, he was Dumbledore, and similarly, if we later found out that George Washington was gay, I'd be like, cool, I support that.
But my point is, in Washington's farewell address in 1796, our very first president gave the American people a series of warnings that he felt could potentially cause the death of our democracy. Warnings that have come to full fruition in 2017. But before we get into those particulars, it's important to know the background behind George Washington's farewell address.
Obviously, we know that he was the general who led America to independence, and after the British finally left, he was like, cool, we're independent now, about to go back to this plantation, you know what I'm saying, like post up, like own all these slaves, and then Thomas Jefferson, and then we're like, no, like Washington, please, be your first president, don't go, please, please. By the way, they all sounded like Aziz Ansari. Then George Washington was like, alright, fine, like I will. And then like, boom, he comes out of retirement like Jordan, just like dunking on people like proverbially, like in a presidential sense.
So Washington served two terms and was instrumental in holding the country together, even though people in his own cabinet were seriously beefing with each other, like Broadway musical level beef. Thomas Jefferson always hesitant with the president.
Redecent. There was not a plan, he doesn't jettison. Madison, you mad as hell, so take your medicine. Damn you all worshiped in the national denizen. But he kept it all together, and then he squashed this huge rebellion out in Pennsylvania having to do with taxing whiskey. And then he kept America out of this huge war between Britain and France, we could just like chill and stabilize for a second. I mean, for a guy who didn't even want the job, he kind of killed it.
I mean, add this to the fact that Washington was already a war hero. He could have been president for life if he wanted to. Mind you, this was before term limits.
But Washington was like, nah, bro, like I'm good. I didn't even want to be president. But here, look, let me set a precedent so these folks don't think that they could be commander in chief, like for life, because that's kind of dictator eating plus, like they ain't me. Like they ain't Washington, they ain't me. So Washington announces that he's not seeking a third term, and Thomas Jefferson and then we're like, no, don't go, please, don't go. Washington is like, damn, like I've been trying to retire.
Look, okay, it's fine. I still really care about this country, you know what I'm saying? And like, honestly, I'm kind of worried about its survival just based on like what you guys have been doing and what's been happening. So let me drop some knowledge on you guys, you know what I'm saying?
Before I post up at this plantation and own all these slaves. Huge slave on it.
So in the fall of 1796, Washington publishes his farewell address. And its overall message was the need for national unity and avoiding foreign wars and warning against hyper partisanship issues that are obviously wreaking havoc on our democracy today. I also talked a lot about liberty and religion and, you know, not getting into too much debt.
However, there are particular foreign warnings that bear an eerie resemblance to actions that are being taken by our current administration, namely the use of fake news or the gaslighting of Americans to think that real news is fake news. Once designing men may endeavor to excite belief that there is a real difference of local interests and views. One of the expedients of party to acquire influence within particular districts is to misrepresent the opinions and aims of other districts. You cannot shield yourselves too much against the jealousies and heartburnings which spring from these misrepresentations. They tend to render alien to each other, those who ought to be bound together by fraternal affection. Dude, that's 18th century speak for don't let the fake news divide this country, y'all. And he cautioned against fake news because, quote, cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people and to usurp for themselves the reigns of government, destroying afterward the very engines which have lifted them to unjust dominion.
Up, hello, Trump much?
And this, George Washington argued, could lead Americans to vote in permanent despotism or, in modern speak, a fucking dictator. What's even more insane is that Washington called out the fact that all of this nonsense, quote, opens the door to foreign influence and corruption, which finds a facilitated access to government itself. Thus, the policy and will of one country are subjected to the policy and will of another. Is that not what happened with Russia like meddling in our election?
Like, come on, bro. Like, really?
Look, I know that this address was written over 200 years ago and Washington was specifically referencing partisan fighting within his own administration and the influence of European powers like Great Britain and France, but this wisdom still applies today because, guess what? Your teacher was right. History really does repeat itself. And one can also argue that Washington was cautioning our young democracy from falling prey to what eventually destroyed the Roman Empire because the founding fathers were kind of obsessed with the Romans. But this doesn't mean that we can't glean the wisdom from an old man's parting words. In fact, Washington's farewell address used to be the most widely memorized speech in American schools until Abe Lincoln had to come through with that hot fire Gettysburg address and people were like, damn, like, that's that new shit.
Whoo!
Still, every year since 1896, it's a tradition in the senate to read Washington's farewell address on his birthday and I can only imagine how awkward it was this year. But hey, maybe all this will make Washington's farewell address cool again and we can finally listen to the old man, even if he literally owned human beings. And whether you believe in small or big government, you're a Democrat, Republican, black, white, male, female, or anything in between, let's all remember the most important identity, being a fucking American. And since this video is all about George Washington, I think it's only fitting to end on his words.
Citizens by birth or by choice of a common country, that country has a right to concentrate your affections. The name American, which belongs to you in your national capacity, must always exalt the just pride of patriotism more than any other appellation derived from local discriminations. With slight shades of difference, you have the same religion, well, not exactly, manners, habits, and political principles. You have in common cause, fought and triumphed together. The independence and liberty you possess are the work of joint councils and joint efforts of common dangers, sufferings, and successes. |
dropout | cabbie_talk_sponsored | Brought to you by the city-friendly Toyota Prius C. Welcome to cab talk where we ask a real cab driver the questions You've always been afraid to ask because they're bad questions. I'm Streeter, and I'm walking here I'm Pat and we're here with Rafi a cab driver in the city of Los Angeles Who's the weirdest fair you ever had? Too many different kind, but I remember an old lady who was not happy with my driving She said get off. I'm on the drive. Do you scoff at limousine drivers?
Are you like what's your life? Yeah?
Yeah, we don't like them. You don't like them. Why not?
They go to hotels and get our Rides, you know Wow you Guys who are with girls in the backyard care like maybe on a first date or do they tend to tip more? I don't know he waited for the girl to walk out She was out, then he didn't tip me at all, and I was not very you know I've said about that you should like you should have called him out. What's the longest fair you've ever had? There the fairs that go to San Diego from here.
Do you guys like play car games you play I spy and stuff How do you pass the time if they like to talk we talk some of them like music? I turn the music on someone like to dance I dance with them. Yeah, you dance with them down there The music was good. You know they were dancing and once you dance I start dancing with them. She said so start throwing money through the window dance more dance And then you while you're busy dancing the car went over ravine cuz you guys are busy dancing Do you ever get self-conscious about the music you're listening to when you're driving you don't listen to your music? You try to make the passenger happier and say you know whatever music they want to listen to Can you just put on this little biscuit CD and turn it up like yeah? Can you put on my this is my band you try to Go with the passenger and whatever they like to please them.
You know so you can get even if he's a little biscuit fan Yeah, maybe not. Let's say I flagged you down the street right now. I say Rafi. I gotta go to New York I gotta go right now, and I want to know how much how often is that gonna happen it happened in West Philadelphia Yeah, that's gonna happen, but you have to pay cash first in advance Oh cash up front has anyone ever said the phrase and step on it to you. I just runs yeah Yeah, what about the phrase follow that yes does anyone ever jumped in the back and going follow that car no I don't think I'm gonna do that so with our Prius over here Toyota's told us that 96% of every Prius ever sold is still driving so what I want to know is how long Does a cab last like how long because you guys pound on those things. There's a limit time that you can drive Oh, there's like a mileage. That's like no not the mileage year this year. I think they changed it 2003 Oh, so anything before 2003 you can't turn in love with a passenger. I marry him every single one That is all for cab talk. Let me thank our guests Rafi one more time. I'm pat I'm Streeter, and we will see you on the road said you weren't going to do that. I said it might not do it Lighten up so dumb Well you do it that way obviously if you're gonna point do it like that Yeah Straight up that was awesome |
TheOnion | Revolting_Silt_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | So, what have you dredged up today? Well, I was doing some suction dredging near where they're putting in the pylons for the new bridge near the creek, and it started to smell pretty different. Mm-hmm. Strong odor usually indicates decomposing organic matter. I've been dredging since I was too young to dredge, and I've never smelled anything like this.
Oh, dear! Oh, no! Oh! Yep. Oh, no! Oh! Yep. Oh!
Well, okay, judging, just, just, oh, God, I, I'm sorry. I cannot concentrate. Well, I can close the back door. No, no, no, no, no, that I won't, I won't be able to appraise it.
Okay. Let's do it. Get it all out there. Okay. All right.
What?
Would you appraise this, this putrid silt? Well, it just started smelling so much, I, I, well, uh, silt isn't worth very much smell or no smell, uh, if you were able to, so, excuse me, if you were able to dredge considerably more, you could probably sell it as fill, but I doubt that it would be worth your effort.
Oh. Oh, so sorry.
If you don't like what I'm telling you, there are plenty of unscrupulous appraisers out there who will tell you exactly what you want to hear. Oh, come on, Kim, I meant nothing by it. I appreciate your honesty. Does it not occur to you that you shackled the house's only black guy? Sexy banana pass. The sexy games are feeling a little forced. You're all gonna chew up a banana, you're gonna regurgitate it into this bucket, and then Erin is going to drink from it. |
CrackerMilk | why_i_hate_mimes | Oh, a mime, I love mimes. Really clever, what's that?
A backpack, yeah, what's in the backpack? What's, where are you going? Actually, can I see the backpack? I should probably look inside the backpack. Yeah, just hand me the backpack.
Why are you shutting the door? Open the door! Who's this? What are you pouring in the to- No, let me in, let me in!
Ugh!
All right, what the hell are these? Hard drives, why are you trying to flush hard drives down the toilet?
Why is that freezer locked? Unlock the freezer. Let me look inside the freezer now.
Get the key, open it up, that's it. Yeah. Holy shit, how did you fit so many bodies in there? They're so young! The hell is that? You're sick, you wouldn't even open it!
Son, don't do something you can't come back from. Where's she going? No, you come back. Bring her back!
Hand me the gun. That's it, hand me the gun, that's it.
No! Hey, thanks for watching this video. I'm a mime, I'm breaking mime war right now. If any other mimes find me, they'll have me killed. Look up to our Patreon, oh, I'm sorry! |
CrackerMilk | the_worst_game_show_for_couples | And welcome back. We've had an exciting game so far and we're moving into the final round where every question is worth $10,000. I'm here with Connor. How are you going, mate?
Oh, thanks so much, Tame. I just wanted to say thank you to my beautiful wife who has come here with me. I'm actually winning all this money for her. I think she's the best thing to ever happen to me. And you know, what is mine is yours, baby. And I'm here to prove that tonight. Thank you, baby. I love you. You can do this. Well, you sound like the perfect husband, don't you? Thank you so much. She means honestly the world to me.
Now, may I remind you, every question is worth $10,000. Okay, yep. The category, media. Yes, okay. CIA is an acronym for Central Intelligence Agency.
What is BBW an acronym for? BBW? Oh, that's big, beautiful.
I'm not, I don't know that one. You don't know this one? Yeah, pass on that one. Remember, Connor, every question is $10,000. If you don't get it right, it's zero. Yeah, no, I don't know that one.
Sorry, can we move on? The answer was big, beautiful women. Oh, okay. All right, question number two. Finish the name of this famous celebrity. Okay.
Mia Ka-blank.
Hmm, you know what? I don't know any A-list celebrities with that name. You sure? None are coming to mind whatsoever.
You wanna pass? Yes, I would like to pass on that one. You'll have zero dollars.
Yeah, $10,000 per question. I'm not getting any questions yet. The answer was Mia Khalifa.
Oh, okay, I didn't know that. That sounds like a building. All right, this is the final question, Connor. Okay. What is a bukkake? Like a South African barbecue or something, right? Come on, mate, you know this one. Well, I mean, I'm not gonna fucking answer that, am I, okay? That is incorrect.
You are the biggest loser we've ever had on this show. You've made zero dollars. What were you even planning on using that money for?
My wife's spinal surgery. Well, that's it, folks.
Thanks for coming to watch this show. This was a lovely game. We had Connor, Emily in the crowd. Hope we get to see you next time. After this, we've got Tracey Grimshaw on channel.
Your eyes are so blue like the sea. It's beautiful.
Oh. That will shoot into your urethra. What? Connor, his pulse isn't in his prostate. Two fingers, I need to use two fingers for an accurate reading. |
CrackerMilk | we_act_out_our_best_youtube_comments_crackermilk_podcast | What's with your skull? It's really hunched in the back.
No, it feels hot. I can feel the heat.
Ahh!
Oh my god! Look at that! Whoa! No, don't show them that. Whoa! Ahh! You can't, you can't show them that.
That's my hunched skull. Okay.
Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the Crackamel Podcast. We are joined today with Goob, Elias and myself, Connor. And we are reading out your suggestions that you have left in the YouTube comments. If you want your suggestion or something for us to do, or just what you feel about us and the podcast, leave it in the comments below. Yeah, you could be on the next podcast.
Okay, you should do a tall person trying to find a way to offer help to a short person. So you guys can both be really tall. What do you mean? I am. I'm like six foot two. Can I be the short person?
You alright there, mate? Yeah, I just can't reach that cereal up there. You want, you want that box of cereal, do ya? Yeah, that one up there. Do you have nutrients in it, mate? Why don't you just grab it, man?
You're trying not to offend me. Oh, I thought we were... Trying to offend you. No, you're trying not to. Oh, my bad. Okay, yeah. I don't mean to offend you or anything, but you're fucking tiny. You guys are really fucking rude, eh? What do you mean? I'm trying not to offend you.
Because you're little. You're a fucking little short queen. We're just talking normally. You're so small. You don't know who I work for. Probably Willy Wonka, honestly. You're so fucking little, little tiny bitch. Exactly, yeah. You fucking little fuck.
I'm trying not to offend you, man. I'm just trying not to offend you.
Who the fuck told you? What? Who the fuck told you? Who told you that I worked for Willy? Who told you that?
I don't know. Because I'm small, I work for Willy Wonka. That's what you think? You think because we're in the lolly aisle, I'm stocking up on Willy Wonka chocolate?
You have green hair. Oh, I have green hair and bright orange skin? You think I'm a fucking Oompa Loompa?
I honestly didn't notice the orange skin. Oh, you didn't notice.
What's with the chocolate leaking out of your back pocket? That's human shit. Are you going to bring that up because I have IBS? Yes, you think that's okay to bring it up? So that's why you wanted us to get the cereal box? Is because you've got your IBS? Like you don't want to show everyone your IBS? Yeah.
It's because he's really little. It's because I'm little, I can't reach.
I'm an Oompa Loompa. I mean, I'm a fucking little- Oh, we fucking got him. We found one.
No. Please don't. Not for you. No. Sorry, buddy. Don't let me suffer. Please.
You seem too much. This is a good one by Soy Sauce. One person lost their memories, but won't admit it.
Oh, boys. All right. Let's just think about what we're going to do today. We have a big day ahead of us. Did you get your work done? Yeah, of course. And can you show me for a sec? Yeah, from the week. Oh, great. Yeah, awesome. It's all there. I've done it all. Yeah.
Did you get all your work done last week? All the work I need you to do? Well, just remind me again what the work was. Last week's work. Last week's work that we did.
It would have been a couple of the thumbnails and color grading a few of the videos. All right. Yeah. Can you show me? Yeah, I can show you, but my computer's just died. Oh, that's weird.
I've just brought my second computer with everything on it. I also actually have a second computer as well. We always have backup computers here at Crackin' Milk headquarters.
Why are you touching your head? Why are you touching your hunched skull, bro?
Yeah, what's going on up there? Nothing. It's just hunched. It's fine.
Oh, it's hot. I can feel the heat coming through.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't do that. Hey, hey, hey. No. Put that down. Don't show them that.
It's okay.
Connor, Connor, come back to me. Connor, Connor, Connor. I'm back.
Don't touch my back. Don't touch my skull.
I didn't realize that would happen, didn't I? Yeah, sorry about that. What were you talking about? What's it about?
I don't remember. I think it was the dice. Oh, I remember. I have no memory of it.
We did the podcast. Yeah. And before the... We did the work. Well, I am definitely... Second computers. We all have backup computers. Do we? Yeah. You've done the work for the week?
What's with your skull? It's really hunched in the back. No.
It feels hot. I can feel the heat.
Oh.
Look at that. Whoa. No, don't show them that. Whoa. What the fuck? Don't show them that. You can't show them that. That's my hunched skull. Show them. Okay. What the fuck, dude? Why is it like that? Don't fucking touch my hunched skull. Okay, I won't. Jesus Christ.
What were we talking about? Just the work or something? Just being on the podcast. And then we had... We were doing the thing before.
Right? Oh, yeah. I remember. Yeah.
You remember? Do you remember? Hypothetically, if I didn't remember, how would that make you two feel? Why didn't you remember?
No, hypothetically. I don't... You never said hypothetically. I said hypot... No. I don't remember. Hypothetically. It's a word I can't say. So...
All I remember is being on the podcast. Why does your skull have a...
I feel... I can feel the heat coming in. It's so hot.
What is...
Oh! Look at that!
No, don't show them that! Don't show them that. Why the fuck do? You can't touch my fucking hunched skull like that, man. We're off duty real estate agents at an open house, and none of them know who's trying to sell the house.
Hey! Hey, guys. How are you? Oh, hey, mate. How are you guys? Yeah, good. I'm good.
Looking good, guys. Looking smic, man. Loving the outfit, guys.
How's your day been? blue blazer to go with my cream pants this morning you know yeah yeah just fucking picked up 12 of those oh man yeah dude I probably spent like half the morning shaving the sides of my head oh and then applying about 15 layers of gel at the top just to create the perfect like smooth complexion yeah yeah also just like ripped off like a bunch of old women Oh yeah it's the new thing man. Sorry I just wanted to say sorry that I was a little late. Yeah that's right I've got a rope and I've opened her up so yeah yeah we've also what was that about the rope the what the rope I've just opened it up okay right I'm running it so I opened it up. I was told I was running it. Nah mate you'll find it's um blazer-borne. I think you'll find my palm cards with my name in it. You'll see my initials there which are of course. My head's on the side of it. Sorry he's got that one. Got like seven people interested offering like like so much more than what you've got man but I can fucking go right now with you off us straight there cuz I respect you I respect you and I'm fucking lying man. You know I've never sold a house on market.
Anyway let's go inside let's go inside. Yeah we should go inside. Anyway you can see the hallway here. No I just wanted to show you guys the hallway here. I've been here a thousand times so I can show you. No I can show you the hallway because this is my opening.
Well I'm selling it for Karen so I mean. Honestly go right ahead like take your take your time walk through it like. What sort of power plays this? What sort of what are you doing there? Well I think because he wants to put an offer on the house I'm selling it at over 1.8 offers over 1.8 million dollars. So he wants to take it through so you drop price mate. How are you running it mate?
I'm here aren't I? Look at the hallway. I know you're here but so is that. Look at the fucking. Look at that there's a couple. I agree.
You have eight kids that are trying to buy a house and they can't afford it. And they've got the mortgage for it but they can't pay anything mate.
You're telling me you're running this. You haven't even broken down those marble benches look how beautiful they are guys. Let's just have a touch with those marble benches quickly. Isn't that just amazing? So if you just want to come through the kitchen here and we'll see down at the back here the back deck. Oh it's actually quite nice. Yeah it's pretty good. Hang on a minute I'm running this fucking. I'm running it. How do you. Look any of you can be first and like enter the room it's like that's totally okay like just I just want you guys to experience the whole whole thing.
I don't like this guy. I don't know what this fucking power play is where you think you can just sit back and relax and let us take control but you're not running this shit man. You're not running it the helmet doesn't give you the power as you think. Just because you moved out of rentals into sales doesn't mean you can sell a house.
Just because you're that horrible hunch skull accident doesn't mean you can be fucking you can be fucking taking pity on us man. We're competitors we're rivals out here. Lots of people got that hunch skull off that hunch skull factory explosion mate. So you got to like you're not the only one. The great hunch skull factory of 09 explosion. You know what I want to do is I want to take the consumer and I just want to fucking fuck their life up forever.
Why aren't you doing it mate? I'm doing it brother. Why aren't you doing it?
I saw Big Short and I thought I want to. I saw the Big Short and I thought I love the bad guys. I love when the good guys finally win in a film.
So I just want in and I just want to fuck. You want in? Sorry can I just get out in on writing that you want in on the property? Yeah I want in. Yeah I want in to sell it. Yeah so if you can just sign here that would be.
Wait you got to sign my contract mate cause I'm selling this house. No I'm selling the house. No hang on a sec.
Fuck the helmets got powers man they feel bad for him. I put a starter helmet now. I like it. It's actually cool. Yeah. I actually had a helmet first. Wait you guys had hunch skulls before?
Do you guys hear about this property up the road? How's your life going? Do you like your house? Oh I have a bit of a shit house. A bit of a shit house. Hey your house? My house? Yeah a bit of a shit house. Yeah it's actually pretty shit now. Listen to me I've got a house for you up the road.
Oh cool. What about this one? This one's pretty nice.
No I'm running it here. Well it can't be cause I live here. I'm running it man. Oh you live here now. I live here. You're running it and you live here. I'm the loudest elbow in the house. Am I not?
I think he just bought the house from me. No I didn't buy it. I didn't sign shit. You just signed that letter. No I didn't sign shit. Actually as the seller I actually saw you sign it.
No look it's a blind sucker there. Honestly I'm looking for offers over 1.9 now. It's been 20 minutes guys. Well I just sold it for 1.8 so you can buy for what's going on.
No you didn't sell it. You didn't sell it. This is not selling.
No fuck off man. Fuck you man. What are you going to do to convince me you're a bloody shit man. You already put a $40,000 deposit down.
No I didn't. Where did I do that? You signed the piece of paper man. No I didn't. There's no shit going on. You signed the piece of paper man. No I didn't. There's no shit going on. No I didn't. There's no shit going on. No I didn't. There's no shit going on.
That's my thing. You literally went like this. There's nothing here. Propaganda music plays in the coals. In-store music playlists. It's not a big deal. Next to the checkout thanks. Yep. Actually I was next. So I'll go. Look it's just going to take like two seconds. I've just got two items. I just need to put it through.
Oh you're fucking eating chunky beef veg again are ya? Yeah don't judge him on the soup but I don't give a fuck how many items you have dude. Look at my trolley full of things. I've got a bunch of things because I've got a big family. Oh because I'm morbidly obese and this is full of snacks. You think it's for me? I'm going to go home and eat all of this tonight and be back tomorrow.
Is that what you think huh? Excuse me sir. This is the express check out. What is that? What is that playing? Why does it sound like beef chunky uses yours? No no no no. Not that. The music sounds weird. Does this play all the time? Weirdly North Korean.
Yeah it's Taylor Swift. I was just saying fucking death to everyone in the store. It's Taylor Swift man. No it's saying death to everyone in the store over and over again.
That's in English. What's going on here? I just work here. Do you want me to scan your stuff? I don't feel comfortable supporting this business. Why do you keep threatening to kill us if we don't spend over $50 through the fucking intercom? I don't understand what's going on.
I need to leave. I'm going to leave now. I don't want to stay in this.
Why are you locking the doors?
We can't let you leave if you know the truth. The truth? What's the truth?
I can't tell you because if you know. So why'd you lock the doors? We don't know shit. I didn't buy anything I know. What do you not know?
Well obviously there's some weird culty coals propaganda shit going on. Is there? What's that? What are you pressing? What are you about to press? I don't know. Am I going to press something? Because supposedly cult has propaganda. What are you doing? It's policy when you enter. What taking photos?
Yes. Can you look to your left and right? Yeah sure. I mean as long as you get my good side.
Hey why is the proper gaming music saying kill Connor and Elias? Don't stop stop stop. He's killing us on the. He's trying to get us from the car.
I have your data. He's got our data. I have your data.
No no. They're going to know what you've been doing. They're going to see what registry I'm on. Hang on let me just look you up now. Let me just look you up. Looks like someone bought furcon 2023 tickets. What registry are you on?
Sexual defender list. Oh it does say that you're free to go. What does that mean? Yeah well sexual defender. What is a sexual defender? I defend people from sex.
I'll unlock the doors for the sharks. Calls are unleashing the sharks. We have no water in here because of La Nina and it has meant we can't get water in right now. But they're sharks so. La Nina can suck me off.
Someone who keeps trying to bring up in conversation how hot Jimmy Neutron's mum is. Thank you all for coming today to Janet's Wake. It's my pleasure. We're just here to celebrate the life of Janet and what she did for us and what she did for others. We're also here to say thank you to Janet for how she is and say thank you to the gifts that she's given us. First thing I'll do is I'll bring up Franklin here. Thank you.
What was your name again? My name is Cars.
Thank you for coming to my late wife's funeral. Did you say late wife? Late wife.
And thank you as well. I don't think I invited you here but thank you for coming.
Do you know my wife? Did you know my wife? You did? How did you?
We'll just get the first sermon. I believe that's what it is.
Janet. Oh Janet. That is my name. Janet. Oh Janet.
I have some arse cream. Okay thank you. What was your name? Peter. Peter did you want to say a few words? Yeah I remember. Hi my name's Peter.
I've been sober for 13 years. No that's the wrong one. This is a funeral.
Yeah well lost my job. It was tough at the factory for the last 3 more years. Did you meet Janet at the factory?
Anyway. Can I get rude? That is quite rude. Can I give you guys a heads up? Yeah.
I think your wife is beautiful. Second most beautiful woman I've ever had to lay in a coffin. Second mate? Yeah the first being Jimmy Neutron's hot mum and she is a fucking minx let me tell you.
It's a little bit weird to bring up that you want to. Can you be quiet? I'm trying to talk about whatever a dumb name was. Honestly. Janet. Thank you.
So Susan was a real lovely lady. Met her in AA probably like 13 years ago. 13 years ago. That's a great time because 13 years ago was when Jimmy Neutron season 1 came out right after the film.
Which is really interesting because they used a lot of the assets from the film to make the show to do it on a cheaper budget and her mum was like one of the most expensive assets they built. And that's why she's so voluptuous. And that's why she's so attractive.
Excuse me. Why are we talking about Jimmy Neutron's mum when my lovingly dead wife is sitting here waiting to go under the wind? I did have a question about that. Why is your wife sitting? That's the thing I wanted to know. You insisted on having your wife sit. She's up straight.
It was in her will to be buried in a chair. On her will or in her well? In her will. Yeah so like down to the bottom of a well. In her will.
I get finished in mine. Sorry for interrupting. So I knew Sally like oh she's probably my dealer for like 10 years. I can get you hooked up on it. Do you know what I got? Actually not Sally. Guys guys guys I think we're showing a little bit too much disrespect here.
This is Franklin's dead wife. Franklin's dead wife Janet.
And if you're going to be talking about anything, it should be the level of attraction I have for Jimmy Neutron's hot fucking mum. You are bricked up. I am fully bricked and I am willing to drop some back shots on Jimmy Neutron's mum. How long have you been sober at this AA meeting?
This is a fucking funeral. This is an absolute mess.
Oh assassin. I'm sorry man. I forgot what it was.
I've been hanging out with this guy who's into ducks man. He's my roommate. He's been riling my head into ducks and stuff. He's got a kid. He's got a big head man. Yeah they live in my house man. He's a fat kid. He's all ragged. He's my croissant all the time.
It's fucking Jimmy Neutron man. It's been 13 years when the show ended man.
Things haven't been good. Can I ask you a question? Sorry about your mum. Can I ask you a question? What happened to her mate?
She's just the same age. We're fucking cartoons you dumb idiot. My favourite part about your mum. It's being your dead wife. Fuck your wife. How are you having a baby boss?
Alright Jimmy's a fucking freak. You're getting out of here. The suggestion's been left by slothery and it's this is high quality. Woah. Fuck look at that. Oh my god. It's moving faster than real life. What the hell. That is fucking high quality. It's so supple. It's so rigid.
I think I might just hang onto it to be safe. Well I mean it would be silly if you hung onto it. It would be silly if I hung onto it.
Yeah because you're known for doing it. I'm known for what sorry? He can back me up on that one. It's true. Known for what?
You know you lose things every now and then. I don't lose anything. What do you mean? Except for my mind once a week when Mercury gets into Gatorade. I think I should hold onto it. You should hold onto it. Yeah I'll just let me. Oh okay you're going to take it from me. Yeah. How do you feel about that?
I'm going to put it in my tidy tray. Woah. What's wrong with my tidy tray? Well if you're going to put it in the tidy tray we won't see it. Yeah or like an eye.
It's really high quality.
And who knows what's in there. What if rats get in and wreck it? Yeah. There's no rats. I put all my pencil shavings in here.
Look I want to fucking look after it okay. I think I'm going to look after it. I'm going to care for it and wash it and barf it. Why are you washing it? It's high quality. I'm going to feed it and clean it. Why do you need to feed it? It's high quality dude. You don't need to feed it anything.
What are you going to ruin it? Have you ever seen anything this high quality? You're going to lower the quality if you add shit to it. How fucking dare you accuse me of lowering the quality of something so high quality. Can I ask one thing?
Yes. Are any of you planning on having sex with this due to the quality of it? You are. Yes. I think we all are. I also was yes. So with that in mind maybe we should think about giving it to me because it's mine.
It's obviously you're going to lower the quality. No I'm not going to lower the quality.
Guys. Why don't we just all just like share it and take turns.
It does have three holes. It has three holes.
No. But we're all friends here. It's high quality. I'm not sharing it. I'm not sharing it with any of you. It's high quality. It's for me. Look at me.
That is selfish. That's really selfish. You need to share that.
No one person.
Don't have sex with it. It's high quality. Everyone needs to relax. Dude. What? When you had sex with it you ripped the sticker off. It doesn't you guys. It's not a hat. The sticker makes it authentic dude. It's not the fucking same. You just dropped the quality.
I don't even want to have sex with it anymore. I don't even want to have sex with it. I don't want to have sex with it.
Yeah. I mean I better hold on to it. No. I'll hold on to it. No. I think I should hold on to it. You don't want it. It's no quality. I'll think. No. It's not fair.
Okay guys. Let's draw skulls. Let's draw hunch skulls. So let's just see if he's got the hunchiest skull.
Okay. And we'll go from hunchiest to hunchiest losers. Okay. Hunchiestest losers. Okay. You're fucking going down. Lift your hand. What's going on with your hand? Alright.
I'm so sorry. I feel like he's not going to be around long anyway.
Do I have a hunch skull? Let me touch it. Oh, it's hot. What the fuck dude? That's my fucking hunch skull. Jesus Christ. It burns so bad. Oh my God.
Where were we? Thanks for listening to another episode of the cracker milk podcast. You can see the full 40 to one hour a minute version on our Patreon. If you want to leave your suggestion and make us act it out, leave a comment in the YouTube videos and we'll do it. And we miss you and we love you so much.
Oh no. He swallowed the high quality object.
You could do anything you want in America. The land of the free.
Excuse me.
Is there like a freedom to express my religious beliefs? Absolutely. There's a freedom to express your religious beliefs as long as they're mine. As long as they're mine. What was that last part? As long as they're mine.
What's your religion, man? Why do you keep bringing it? It doesn't matter. What is it?
The level of attraction I have for Jimmy Neutrons. Hot fucking man. You are bricked up. I am fully bricked and I am willing to drop some back shots on Jimmy Neutrons mom.
How long have you been sober at this AA meeting? This is a fucking funeral.
Oh, assassin. Oh, sorry man. Yeah. I forgot where I was.
I've been hanging out with this guy who's into ducks, man. He's been, he's my roommate. He's been railing my head into ducks and stuff. He likes ducks.
He's got a kid. Yeah, he's got a kid. He's got a big head, man. Yeah, they live in my house, man. He's a fat kid. He's a raggart. He's my croissantal boy.
Things haven't been good. Can I ask you a question? Sorry about your mom. Can I ask you a question? What happened to her, mate?
She's just the same age. We're fucking cartoons, you dumb idiot. My favorite part about your mom. It's being your dead wife. Fuck your wife.
Jimmy! How are you having a baby bath? Alright, Jimmy's a fucking freak.
You're getting out of here. The suggestion's been left by slothery and it's this is high quality. Whoa. Fuck, look at that. Oh my God. It's moving faster than real life. What the hell? That is fucking high quality. It's so supple. It's so rigid.
I think I might just hang onto it to be safe. No, well, I mean, it would be silly if you hung onto it. It'd be silly if I hung onto it.
Yeah, because you're known for doing it. I'm known for what, sorry? He can back me up on that one. Known for what?
You know, you lose things every now and then. I don't lose anything. What do you mean? Except for my mind once a week when Mercury gets into Gatorade. You think I should hold onto it? You should hold onto it.
Yeah, I'll just let me. Oh, okay. You're going to take it from me. Yeah. How do you feel about that?
I'm going to put it in my tidy tray. What's wrong with my tidy tray? Well, if you're going to put it in the tidy tray, we won't see it.
Yeah. Well, like, and I, it's really high quality. It's really high quality.
And who knows what's in there? What if rats get in and wreck it? There's no rats. I put all my pencil shavings in here.
Look, I want to fucking look after it. Okay. I think I'm going to look after it. I'm going to care for it and wash it and barf it. Why are you washing it? It's high quality. I'm going to feed it and clean it. Why do you need to feed it? It's high quality, dude. You don't need to feed it anything.
Have you ever seen anything this high quality? You're going to lower the quality if you add shit to it. How fucking dare you accuse me of lowering the quality of something so high quality? Can I ask one thing?
Yes. Are any of you planning on having sex with this due to the quality of it? You are. Yes. Probably. I think we all are. I also was. Yes.
So with that in mind, maybe we should think about giving it to me because it's mine. It's obviously you're going to lower the quality. No, I'm not going to lower the quality. Why don't we just all just like share it and take turns?
It does have three holes in it. It has three holes in it.
No. It's high quality. I'm not sharing it. I'm not sharing it with any of you. It's high quality. It's for me. Look at me.
That is selfish. That's really selfish.
You need to share that. No one person. No. Don't have sex with it. It's high quality. Everyone needs to relax. Dude. You had sex with it. You ripped the sticker off. It doesn't. It's not a hat. The sticker makes it authentic, dude. It's not the fucking same. You just dropped the quality.
I didn't even want to have sex with it anymore. I didn't even want to have sex with it.
Yeah. I mean, I better hold on to it. No, I'll hold on to it. No, no, no. I think I should hold on to it. I mean, you don't want it. It's no quality. I'll think. No, it's not fair.
Okay, guys, let's draw skulls. Let's draw hunch skulls. So let's just see if it's got the hunchiest skull.
Okay. The hunchiest is looser. Okay. The hunchiest is looser? Okay. Yeah.
Lift your hand. What's going on with your hand?
I'm so sorry. No. I feel like he's not going to be around long anyway. Do I have a hunch skull? Let me touch it. Oh, it's hot. Don't drink it. Sorry. What the fuck, dude? That's my fucking hunch skull. Jesus Christ. It burns so bad. Oh, my God.
Where were we? Thanks for listening to another episode of the cracker milk podcast. You can see the full 40 to one hour a minute version on our Patreon. If you want to leave your suggestion and make us act it out, leave a comment in the YouTube videos and we'll do it. And we miss you and we love you so much.
Oh, no. He swallowed the high quality object. You can do anything you want in America, the land of the free. So food's free? Excuse me.
Is there like a freedom to express my religious beliefs? Absolutely. There's a freedom to express your religious beliefs as long as they're mine. As long as they're mine. What was that last part? As long as they're mine.
It's religion, man. Why do you keep bringing it? It doesn't matter. What is it? |
dropout | slobbery_blunts_are_gross | I've had it, with you dumb fucks. None of you are getting up from your desks until you come up with one good sketch idea, okay? No, Grant, whatever you're gonna say. What are you gonna say? What is it, Grant? I live inside of a tree. Fuck, god damn it, Grant!
One sketch! One sketch is the full-time... Cool!
So, uh, y'all smoke blunts? Yeah, I have one on me right now. Do you guys want to smoke mine? Man, that ain't no real blunt. Man, y'all don't know how to roll blunts, man! Let me roll something up real quick.
Whoa. That's awesome. Nah, nah, nah. Hold up.
I still gotta lick it first.
Cool! Is it? You're practically watering it like a sprinkler system. That seems really unnecessary. Jeez, Katie, you jealous much? No. Yeah, Katie, just because his blunt's cooler than yours doesn't mean anything mean about it. My butt was cool. It was cool? I don't worry. You're still using your weed. Yeah. It smells expensive too. How are you okay with this slobbery, slobbery blunt? No, what are you doing? Are those Oreos?
No, it's not. How is this cool? He's just belated in it. Look at his tongue. This is what you have to do to roll a blunt. No, it's not. I've never once sucked off a blunt, okay? Well, then you haven't rolled a good one. I can't use that. That's my weed. His mouth's super clean.
All right. How y'all been getting down with tricks around here? Y'all ate booty? Yeah. What?
You lick booty? How do I you ain't never licked a booty all before? I have not licked a booty hole before.
You want to hit this? No, I absolutely do not want to hit that.
That's disgusting. Yeah. Light it up. It smells sick. It's so cool it won't even light. You know what? It's all good. I got you. We could just use this ball. I just got to fill it up first. So freaking cool. I'm going to leave a detailed message. Uh-huh. I had to do the same thing. |
CrackerMilk | dating_a_news_anchor | Hey, babe Welcome back. How are you? This reporter is feeling frisky and would like you to know there is a high chance of moisture down south this evening Hey, I just wanted to take a second to maybe talk about us You know in like our relationship. What are you breaking news? bikini day Aka the grand reopening is now here The forest has been cleared and this reporter would like you to know the gates will be wide open this evening you can just say you've gotten a wax you don't look um, I Think maybe like what we have here isn't kind of Working out.
I do all of the housework and feel like I can't really communicate my feelings It feels like you're not really present this just in this reporter should never have to do any cleaning Because she is a beautiful baby girl with a magic vagina You are beautiful and I do love you, but it really feels a bit uneven I mean like the other day I went into the toilet. You didn't flush.
Sorry Steve I'm getting a bit of a misfeed in the signal here the fuck is Steve I'm not sure if listeners are receiving you right now We might try cutting to a commercial break and we'll be right back commercial fucking commercial Sorry What did you want to talk about? Okay. Look, I just want to talk about us in this relationship It feels like it's not working with back. Oh my god reading you loud and clear Steve.
Welcome back Well, that's all we have for this evening, right? You know what we're done. This is it I can't do this anymore.
Oh, and that's lunch. Oh great. That's lunch everyone. Who's got catering?
We're done powder on my nose. We're breaking up.
It's over shiny. Oh the sandwiches. We're done Emily Good evening and welcome back to the 6 p.m. News This just in a dangerous predator roaming the streets Witnesses have described the man as five foot one with nine attitude Apparently he dumped his super hot girlfriend earlier in the evening Which viewers don't understand and neither does this reporter? It's definitely giving small dick energy and I just hope that everyone can stay safe this evening Now we're gonna cut to fuck It's being told that he's five one and will scream that he's five nine You have a great night, you know what we're done I don't know and that's lunch everyone can someone powder my nose. I'm looking shiny |
dropout | kim_jong_un_vs_kim_jong_il_part_2 | We are to remain undetected. We must try to blend in.
Where are we at?
Some have a penis? Oh! Kim Jong-un! Whoo! I should have moved! Another robot with numbers for eyes peculiar. Ah, you're awake. Welcome, brother. Kim Jong-un!
Yes, it is me, the forgotten eldest son of Kim Jong-il. I was heir to the throne until I was caught sneaking into Tokyo Disneyland. After my exile, I conquered this place and made it my kingdom.
After our father died, I ordered my Imagineers to make him a cyborg, to hunt out and destroy you. It would have been a fitting end. But now I must kill you myself!
You can't hurt me! I spent the past decade absorbing all of Western culture! Look at you. Deep down, you don't even want to win. You want to live in a world that has melted cheese, internet deviance, and allows women to speak after dark. Give me control of true Korea. And you may live here sipping water beers and watching fairy tunes. The orb of leadership! No, you can't! But he can!
And now I am... Wait, what's happening? The pressures of leadership! Responsibility for the world's richest and healthiest country! It is working. Brilliant plan, sir. How do you deal with this each day? If you love the pressures and responsibilities of leadership are once again yours. All is well.
Now come, let us burn this park, bleach the earth, and construct a monument to your father. It's not Australia, but it's a start. Hello, I am the Robot Minister of True Korea. If you do not click me to subscribe, Kim Jong-un will be forced to kill all of the orphans that are currently off-screen. |
dropout | pov_the_birds_and_the_bees | Have a seat, honey. There's something that your father and I would like to talk to you about, and for once, it's not your grades. Now Barbara, anyway, look, we know you're having sex. You're in college. I had sex with tons of women in college. The point is that your mother and I have been making love since the white album, and we think it's time that you knew how we did it.
Sort of give you some tricks of the trade. Hey, stick around. You might learn something. We started out simple. Missionary, you know. Your mother didn't like to be on top. Oh, well, I do enough work around here.
Well, she got adventurous soon enough. One night, we were going at it in the usual way, when all of a sudden, I put her knees up to her head, grabbed her face, and her legs were up in the air and wiggling around all over the place. We looked just like a ladybug trying to get up, right? Well, she was hooked. She went right out to the library, snagged a copy of the Kama Sutra, and can you believe that?
From this woman, who won't even eat dinner in an Indian restaurant. Oh, I don't like spicy foods. Honey, not all the food's spicy.
Anyway, from there, the sky was the limit. Your father has entered me from every angle, mathematically possible, in every room in the house. Actually, our favorite place to do it is in your bed, because it's a twin.
Well, restrictions lead to inspiration. It's like writing poetry with meter. Yeah, speaking of which, are you familiar with the poem, The Red Wheelbarrow?
Well, that's the position we were in that time you walked in on us. He doesn't remember the time he walked in on us.
He was only five. Oh, I'm sure he does. He stood there for a minute before he ran away. You remember, don't you? Well, after that, we really branched out. Oh, sure.
For a while there, it was nothing but Cleveland steamers and hot corals all over the place.
He doesn't know the difference. It's saran wrap, sweetheart. It allows me to feel your father's warmth without all the mess.
But we got bored with that, and we started making up our own maneuvers. It was a renaissance. We invented the Szechuan hot pot, the New Hampshire high five.
Yeah. Now, these days, we're very particular about reaching orgasm. I mean, for instance, your father can't come to climax unless foreigner is playing.
She's as cold as ice.
And me? Well, oh, you tell them about my thing.
Well, for your mother, sex is intrinsically tied to emotion. The happiest day of her life is when we became a family, and so for that reason, she can't get off unless I pleasure her with this dildo wrapped in pictures of you and your sister.
Oh, don't worry. It's baby photos. Yeah. Well, the important thing to know is that everybody's got their own thing, and you shouldn't be afraid to experiment. That's right.
In fact, let's go to that Indian restaurant tonight. Oh, Barbara, this is why I love your mother. Okey-dokey. Family dinner time. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_106_park_top_10_live_with_kanye_west_snl | This is Terrence, and we're here with: Kanye West. Kanye, We were talking earlier about some of the bad press you've received for your behavior at award shows. Yeah? Well, you famously took the stage and protested the 2006 European Music Awards, and at the VMAs this year, cameras called you backstage, visibly upset that you hadn't won. Yeah? So How do you defend yourself from claims that you're a poor loser and a crybaby? I Mean, I'm not here to defend myself. I Mean, it's no offense to the other artists, but I'm just passionate about my music, and really, those are just isolated incidents, and they just been blown away out of proportion. Okay, but what about your appearance at the Kids' Choice Awards this year? I Mean, that was nothing, dawg. All right, well, let's show that clip. It's so weird that they asked me, Dakota Fanning, to present the award for Best TV Show, because I don't even own a TV. And The Kids' Choice Award for Best TV Show is. Drake and Josh. Yo, no disrespect, fan. Like, I Haven't seen your show. I Don't even watch Nickelodeon. But How the hell they not gonna get a Kids' Choice Awards to Kanye West? How Kids gonna get taken seriously if they keep making bad choices? I Used to believe the children are our future, but f*** that. I Don't know. You seemed upset at Kanye. I mean, I really deserved that Kids' Choice Awards. But it was for Best TV Show. You Don't have a TV show. I am the greatest show on Earth. And I Won't apologize for that. Okay, but do you think you're the best scientist on Earth? I Mean, perhaps, you know. Is That about the Nobel Peace Prize? Yeah, let's roll the clip. It is my distinct honor to present the Nobel Prize for Physics to John C. Mather and George F. Smoot for the Discoveries and the Cosmic Microwave Background Race. Oh, Hell nah! That's the Nobel Peace Prize for physics. Don't go to anybody but me. That's ridiculous. My album went gold in a day, fam. My album went gold in a day. No Offense to y'all. Seriously, sir? I Ain't heard of none of y'all theories, but if the Nobel Peace Prize doesn't go to me, then the Nobel Peace Prize loses. Credit f***. So What happened there, Kanye? I mean, you can't trust the media. They Edited that to make me look bad. All Right, well, how do you explain your behavior at the Thistledown County Fair last week? I mean, I ain't even heard. That's just rumors. Well, there was actually a camera there. Sneaky cameras. Let's take a look at the tape. Oh, hell nah! I got the best pumpkin. This pumpkin cost a million dollars, fam. It got champagne in it. I'm a loser, Ayo! You Got a lot of years. You got a lot of years. You can win this. I've been doing this too long, fam. I've been doing this f*** too long. Wow. That's pretty uncool, Kanye. I mean, anybody with a train, I can see that that was done with computers, and they CSI'd me. You mean CGI? I mean, it doesn't matter. I wasn't there. Yes, but were you backstage at Saturday Night Live this weekend? Of Course I was. Then Can you explain this? Man, I ain't going to have you on Saturday and live, man. I ain't going to host, man. Seriously, man. I ain't going to have LeBron James over me, man. I'm ten times the performer, man. I don't care if you got more money. Man, give him black Man. Give him. Score, Black Man. I can't change, man. I have to know more out in the country, fam. I'm sick of this s***, man. I'm sure he's talking about a different LeBron James. And I'm sure he's talking about a different Lord Michaels. No, there's only one Lord Michaels. Did you say those things? I Wouldn't trust the media. the media. Okay, well we're gonna take a little break and when we come back to 106 Park, more screaming! |
cracked | 3_tiny_details_that_reveal_huge_backstories_in_movies_inglorious_basterds_predators_coraline | In the movie Inglorious Bastards, Brad Pitt's character Aldo Raine loves killing Nazis. Like a lot. Hating Nazis definitely makes sense, but Brad Pitt's character is a hillbilly from Tennessee who appears to be on a Batman-style crusade for personal vengeance.
Well, this little detail has the hidden reason why. Didn't catch it? Look at his neck.
That scar is a rope burn, which means that Raine survived a lynching in his home region Tennessee. It's in the script, so as Raine says, he's a descendant of Jim Bridger, who was a real person from the 1800s who did have Native American wives and children. Put it all together and you have a descendant who probably dealt with a lot of prejudice, survived lynching in the south, and now dedicates his life to fighting history's greatest genocidal maniacs as a descendant of people who'd suffered genocide themselves. Now that's a backstory for killing Nazis.
The terrifying children's movie Coraline about people being turned into button-eyed demons hit a little Chernobyl reference in there. Mr. Bobinski, the beat-obsessed acrobat who's training a mouse circus, is also blue. No one else is. Just him. Why? There is the Medal for Service at the Chernobyl nuclear disaster on his shirt. That's the name of the real-life medal. So Bobinski helped clean up radiation, but since it's a children's movie, he is now blue. We guess.
In 2010's Predators, the sequel that you forgot about, Adrien Brody and Co. find themselves on an alien planet that's a massive hunting ground for predators and their dogs? Anyway, they stumble on a predator camp, which is filled with skulls and trophies. But one trophy in particular answers a major question. That Homo Rectus skull trophy means that predators have been hunting humans for 70 millennia. One at a time did not notice you were being hunted by a species. Oh humanity. |
Wizards_with_Guns | psychic_speaks_with_the_brain_dead | Welcome. Please, have a seat. Just get back from the beach. Whoa.
He's good. This guy's good.
How did you know? We were literally so close to the beach while we were locked on that roof.
This guy, this guy really good. Well, thank you. So you guys here for a tarot reading or maybe a palm- Just give him the works. It's his birthday this year.
Uh, okay. Wow. Let's begin.
I'm sensing you have a dog. No. I meant you have a pet. I'm sensing you have a pet. No.
I always wanted one, but- I'm allergic. I'm scared I'll step on it.
Okay, then why do you have a leash? So I don't get lost.
Uh-huh. Let's just do the ball.
No. Okay. Maybe you didn't know them, but you know of someone who died. Oh. No. What? Everyone I've heard of is alive. Okay, maybe not dead, but a relative that starts with a J-A? No. And Dan? No.
It's definitely a man's name. Just women in my family. Okay. Gay lesbians. Really? No, it's true. They're gay. Well, you're a man. Maybe I was getting your name. Oh.
He's gonna do it. I'm sensing the first letter.
No. No to what?
A letter? My name's a number. What about you? Let's talk to you now. No, no. What do you have?
Oh my God. Okay. I'm sensing you were born in this country. No. I meant in a country. Any country. International waters. Oh my God. Okay, let me get this straight.
How did you know? You told me. You're a genius. And you're a bitch.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
He is a bitch! I am! I'm a huge bitch! Wow! That's literally a bitch! He's a huge bitch! This is real!
I can't see!
Where's Aston Cuttured? I'm being pranked!
He's good! He's fucking good!
We're lesbian moms. Yes. What is happening? We're fine. |
dropout | realistic_dream_phone | Wanna talk to boys for hours and have your parents never see the bill? Heck yeah! Then try Realistic Dream Phone, the game with over 20 cute, emotionally unavailable guys to maybe talk to. To win, text guys and get clues to see who has a crush on you, if anyone!
The guy who likes you is wearing a hat and also is only talking to you to make his girlfriend jealous. I think it's Chell? He has a girlfriend? Yeah, he's really shitty to win in. Awww. I bet I can change that. Realistic Dream Phone is a process of elimination. Could you be talking to the boy that kinda likes you but is also keeping his options open?
I really like you. Oh my god! You too! Whoa, whoa, whoa. I did like you too, you got all clingy. Now I'm not into it.
Realistic Dream Phone, spend hours talking to your number one crush, maybe. I think he's ghosting me. But he told you to call! Why would he ask you to do something and then ignore you for doing it?
Kooter is such an idiot.
I'm not even going to do it. I'm not going to do it.
I think he's ghosting me. But he told you to call! Why would he ask you to do something and then ignore you for doing it?
Kooter is such an ass. Yeah, this game, is it only men? Yeah. Oh, he has all this aim interest, I think this could be the one. Okay, it says here that Germs loves long walks and to not get your hopes up because he's moving to Indianapolis on your birthday. What?
If he's moving, why is he moving? Why is he wasting our time? Why is he trying to go on a date if he knows he's gonna leave?
Germs! No! So get your realistic dream phone today and find out which immature guy is gonna depress you. Ew! Glub sent you a dick pic? I thought he didn't even like me. Why would they even include that in the-- Hey, it's Jess.
If you like College Humor and to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a quirky pair of socks that show off your fun side per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and exclusive content like the latest episodes of the Erotic Book Club Podcast. There's this scene where she eats a cantaloupe and it gets you.
It's hot. It's really hot.
Sign up for your free trail today. Trial. That was a typo. I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. I buy land, I guess. Oh, God. |
TheOnion | Shitbucket_Of_John_Wilkes_Booth_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Tonight, conventional appraiser wisdom is upended by a soggy old backpack. Coming up on Helcomb County Municipal Lake Dredge Appraisal. I didn't tell your wife the fresh spring rolls were delicious. I will, thank you. Tell us about this bucket. Just a short dragline dredge, nothing fancy, can't believe my luck. It's a fine bucket to be sure. Oh, now this is interesting. Take a look here. Leavings bucket for J.W. Booth, Baltimore, Maryland. What do you make of it, Kim? Well, I'll tell you what, my friend.
I am willing to bet that this bucket belonged to famed presidential assassin John Wilkes Booth. This is the bucket he evacuated into during the 12-day manhunt after he shot Abraham Lincoln in the head.
Oh, wow. Of course, dozens of counterfeit Booth waste buckets have surfaced over the years, but the distinct flourishes and the W lead me to believe that this is the real deal. I'm having a little trouble wrapping my head around it. Well, obviously, this is a priceless item. However, it should be in a museum.
What's the number, though? Sorry? You said priceless, but there has to be a number. Regardless of the specific number.
Bill said 300,000. He said he could hook me up with some Lincoln guy in the forge who could pay me at least that much. So? I don't understand why you want me to appraise it if you've already- It doesn't matter. You have to appraise it. Give laws. Well, obviously, you should consider donating it to- I think my brother may be overstating its value somewhat. I would say 50,000.
No, thanks. I take my chances at the forge. |
TheOnion | Onion_Explains_The_Rise_Of_China | To help you understand a communist nation that is somehow even more grotesquely capitalistic than our own, we now present The Onion Explains, China. With its GDP growing at double-digit rates for most of the past 30 years, China has emerged as a global economic titan, boasting a surging industrial sector, vast new public works projects, and a rapidly expanding consumer base, nearly all of which can be attributed to the lucrative residual checks the country continues to receive for the invention of fireworks during the Tang dynasty. While China earns a payment of only five cents per bottle rocket and aerial repeater, the sheer number sold since their invention in the 7th century has provided a steady stream of royalty checks that total roughly $83 trillion every month. In fact, the combined profits from China's next largest industries are dwarfed by fireworks residual payments, and firecracker licensing fees, which now make up 99.1% of China's economy. While China is all but guaranteed to become the world's largest economy and the dominant global political power in the coming years, you really shouldn't get too worked up about it, because sometimes in life, other people beat you.
And even if that makes you sad, the only thing you can do is accept it and move on. These things happen. Another part of growing up is realizing that there's no shame in being number two. Besides, just because someone else may have done a little better than you doesn't mean you can't still do a great job, too. Being the runner up doesn't mean you're bad at all, so cheer up, and remember that not everything's going to go your way every time, and that's okay. Sound good? Great! Now go get them!
While China's growth has been strong and steady for a generation, the country's future expansion will almost certainly be limited by the fact that there is a finite amount of space on the planet Earth, and that it will likely be centuries before China develops the means to travel to other habitable planets and expand its sphere of influence beyond our solar system. Unless China's space agency invents the interstellar propulsion technology necessary to expand the nation's reach to planets in distant star clusters, then the end is in sight for China's boom times. For China, the party is almost over, likely leaving the nation with economic, military, and cultural dominance over just a single celestial body, and leaving the vast majority of the galaxy, and indeed the universe, sadly and humiliatingly out of reach for the once unstoppable economic juggernaut. |
dropout | christmas_2017_outtakes | Hey Blockhead what are you doing? Listen to Christmas Carols to try and get the spirit before tonight Hey blockhead, what are you doing?
Now let's figure out how to pay for this bar we saved right I don't know why I said saved Don't get me started on the mall. There's nowhere to park.
Everyone's in a bad mood Bing Crosby Bing Crosby Christmas well Bing Crosby Bing Crosby is gonna be stuck in my head till I die Oh Hey Grant Ooh the classics num num num Grant you gotta calm down and look at just have some turkey pie Grant calm down. It's like there's a lot of good Christmas stuff. Have a turkey pie Gotta stop Grant I'm just sitting here sucking down coffee water Grant you gotta pay attention to the good things about Christmas turkey In my mind I don't want to do it and then my mouth does hey Ralph are you buying gifts that only you can use absolutely not. Oh, sorry Press everything up to make themselves feel better with Christmas colors Oh You better by dressing everything up in Christmas colors Turkey pie. Oh, holy night. The stars are brightly shining Let's sing a song Jesus Christ the baby Will die I'd bring the Christmas. Oh That's nice Oh Okay, all right think of all the wars in this baby's name Santa rock Oh Bobby Bobby gets a bite Susan gets the dog Mikey gets the basketball He's screaming Grant farted Love and giving and family and hope shapes sizes Families coming in that Shapes and sizes all of them Yeah, families come in them all shapes and sizes You know if you give me the receipt I'll just I'll go and exchange it. Oh dang dang man Dang Dang Dang dang, you know the credit the store closed Great roast, let's do this one Great bird Really good Maybe it's like maybe it's like Dominic the donkey right like either you grew up in a family and you heard it all the time Or you didn't grow up in a family and you just never heard it. Yeah Two options Maybe it's like Dominic the donkey, you know, it's one of those songs that they grew up with a kid and you knew or you don't know it at all with a kid You're telling me No, I'm sorry guys Oh This is what Christmas is about we can plug in next to each other cook some bulk cheese See see see it's Jesus it's Christmas Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright round yon Virgin mother Holy infant, so tender and mild, sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace. Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel, click here for more fun stuff, and, sorry, guys it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Cause I can like, I can see the top of the camera, so it's, is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
dropout | Mighty_Morphin_Party_Ranger | My punches can connect. That's the power of the baby boomer. He's somehow always out of touch. If you want to defeat me, maybe you should work harder.
Oh, so exogenous. The most boring opinion. Such bull.
Brody, is everything okay in the torso? I'm detecting smoke. Yeah, everything must be something malfunctioning with my Bachman-Turner overdrive. Your BTO? I replaced it yesterday. You should be taking care of business. I don't know what to tell you, Trisha. I must be working at overtime. Is that weed? Okay, here's the thing. Brody. No, this is important, this is important.
I actually work better when I'm high. No, you don't. Yes, no, it's a performance that's better when they're high. You didn't work at all. It relaxes me.
Oh, ****. Hey, see?
If I weren't high, I'd be really stressed right now. Brody, you promised us before that you would stop smoking in the middle of battle. We will make you vape? That's lame. No, I don't want you to vape. I'm not gonna vape, okay? Guys, can we please talk about this at some other time?
Why?
Ultra Mechatron team, go! Well done, Ultra Mechatron team. Once again, you have rescued the world from certain doom. Don't worry about the damage to the Ultra Mechatron. My team is already repairing it.
You should all be equally proud of yourselves. Yeah, about that. Each of you deserves a perfectly identical amount of praise. Thank you all equitably. You're welcome.
Captain Duke, this was yet another mission that almost failed because of Brody.
He is so inconsiderate. He leaves his trash all over the cockpit. Have you ever heard him chew before? It's so gross. I can't even eat while he's eating. All of his personal grooming takes place in my cockpit.
Go to the bathroom. We have a bathroom.
Does he not know that? It's disgusting. I'm sorry, wait, who are we talking about? Why is he even on the team?
Because I have skills, okay? I'm sick of you all thinking that you're better than me just because you're smarter or stronger or better. That's right.
I pick this team to defeat Galatax. Brody, like all of you, has a role to play. The tactical leader. The skilled fighter. The tech wunderkind.
And the party dude. What? No, sorry, I thought you were gonna say that I'm like the unexpectedly talented everyman underdog. No, you're the party dude. But why do we need a party dude? Because it rounds out the team.
No, he's a huge distraction and he never obeys orders.
But I'm also like secretly very talented. No. Mm, maybe I am the underdog and you're also underestimating me. Absolutely not, no, you are accurately estimated. Wait, then why am I on the team?
Wouldn't someone like Boshi be better? That's a really good idea. Boshi, yeah, Boshi. No, no, Boshi sucks.
It is the four of you and only the four of you that can pilot the ultra mechatron because. Ma'am.
As you may have noticed, I am a giant floating head. No. The first thing I noticed, I was like, boom, that's a big floating head. I sat on my head and I was like, is this rude to say all out? So I didn't, but I'm glad that you said it. Well, I am, it's true. And why is that Boshi? Why am I a giant floating head, hm? Uh, you see, a few years ago, I developed a device that was supposed to transport Captain Duke into a parallel universe.
Instead it made her explode. Yeah. Sorry. My body was gone, but my mind survived, stretched across the multiverse. It was incredibly painful and it lasted forever. Sorry.
I saw infinite universes. Trillions of times we were defeated by horrible monsters. And I saw one universe where we prevailed.
One with the four of you piloting the ultra mechatron. Fate has decided that you are all necessary in order to defeat Galatax before his monsters kill us all and that Boshi doesn't deserve happiness. He said, I'm sorry. Oh my God. An emergence from the portal. Go, fulfill your destiny.
Wait, but we already changed to our street club. All of you. But we've already changed. Then go get changed again.
All right, let's do it, team. Ultra mechatron team, go! Hey guys, I'm sorry if I've been dragging the team down. Oh, no big deal. It's fine, whatever. No, I really wanna show you that I deserve to be on this team, okay?
Birdie, you don't have to do that. Just listen better when people are telling you. No, I don't care what anyone says. I'm gonna prove to you all that I belong here. No, Brody. You don't need to do that.
What Duke says, what you all say. I'm gonna surprise you and you're gonna eat your words.
There it is! Gaze upon me, the Hypnopotamus. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What is he doing? Wait, Sarah, don't. Yes, I will control your mind just as I control my body temperature by wallowing in the mud. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look deep into my eyes. Yeah. Now, sleep. Sarah, Sarah, wake up! Oh, shit. We fall under its control as we gaze into its eyes. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Your brains are as weak as your pathetic jaw strength. How can we fight it if we can't look at it?
Just guess? What the hell is happening? All right, this is it. This is my moment to prove myself. No, no, it's fine. It's just gonna take a second, okay?
No, no, no, no, no. You can prove yourself by following orders. No, no, I'm gonna prove myself. I'm gonna prove myself.
You'll see. I'm gonna be the hero here.
Uh, uh, uh. I said sleep. Huh?
Brody? Brody, what's happening? No. Brody is so stubborn that he's immune to the hypnopodemus.
I'm not stubborn. I just don't like people telling me what to do, okay? That's stubborn. It's not stubborn.
Sleep.
We got him now. Okay, I'm just gonna punch wildly. Brody, you direct Trish where to aim. Oh, now you're telling me what to do? His greatest strength is also his greatest weakness I'm telling you to tell us what to do.
Ugh, fine. Right foot. Let's go. Left foot. Okay.
Hands on your knees.
Oh, I guess you don't like it when all the people tell you what to do, huh? I don't like it as much as anyone else does.
Slide to the left. We're not doing the- Ha! Ugh. What the hell? I told you to slide to the left.
I thought that was a joke. How is that a joke?
Just do what he says. All right, slide to the left. Slide to the right. Hands on your knees. Three hops this time.
Okay, get funky with it. Oh yeah, get funky with it. Let me see you get funky, y'all.
Cha-cha real smooth. What the hell is going on? Take it back now, y'all.
Sleep. Why won't you sleep? Sleep!
Everybody, clap your hands!
Ah!
What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I saved the day.
And it's all thanks to the awesome power of not following directions. But also giving directions.
Yes. Well, the important thing is that I'm a part of the team. I really belong here, guys, you know?
Because teamwork isn't about working hard all the time. It's about doing the bare minimum until somebody the bed. And then you do a little damage control, then you can go back to coasting. That's not what teamwork is.
Sure it is. I mean, how would you know?
You were sleeping on the job. I was hypnotized, you idiot. All I know is I came in here, you were taking a little nap. I was not napping.
Stop pushing that! You don't want that job, you don't want that job! That's not radio!
It seems the ultra-mechatron has defeated yet another of my minions. The battle is lost, but the war, the other ages...
What the... What the fuck is wrong with this thing? Is there... Oh, it's lost the fucking signal. fuck!
Oh! Ha ha ha ha! Whoa! Hey, kids!
That video was a lot of fun. But you know what's not fun? Ads! Kind of like this one. You can watch the rest of the series and other cool stuff at Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trials today. And never have to see us in another ad again.
Ultra-mechatron team. Whoa! Which ultra-mechatron team member are you?
Why would you even need to take that quiz? You are Brody. Actually, I took it earlier and it said I'm an Armin. What? The hell you are. I'm taking that quiz. Oh, me too! We are in the... Got my eyes on you, ultra-mechatron. Take question one. Dang it! |
dropout | extremely_real_people_who_are_definitely_not_actors | Come on in come in come make yourself comfortable Thanks for coming down today taking time out of your real normal person jobs. Why don't you give these flashlights a try all right? Oh, that's really bright. Yeah sure it's a flashlight.
Yeah really Chris. What if I told you that these flashlights You're holding right now are powered by omnivolt batteries What no yes Are you pulling my leg? I'm not I'm evil battery. That's right. He said that you're telling me that the blue bottom battery is powering all Right now. What if I told you that omnivolt batteries won the HD four to four award in quality manufacturing Are you shitting me right now? I'm not I can't Award that all of you as real people are very well aware. This is the craziest shit. I ever heard in my life That's not all I'm evil want it three years in a row There's still energy in here the batteries live What is happening? There's no God, but I'm Did you know that omnivolt was rated the second most reliable battery Well, I am impressed I'm gonna buy some omnivolt products tonight Excuse me. I have to get to an audition Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor click here to subscribe click here for more fun things and send help to keep me from sinking Please please help |
dropout | tide_ceo_you_gotta_stop_eating_tide_pods_ch_shorts | Hi, America, my name's David Taylor. I'm the CEO of the company that makes Tide, and it's corollary product, Tide Pods, which is what I wanna talk to you about today. You gotta stop eatin' the Tide Pods, okay? Look, I get it, you guys are young, you're hip. You don't want an old guy tellin' you what to do. But Tide Pods are soap, and that's not food. So please, stop eatin' the Tide Pods.
I'd love to see one if I could, just get it, if we can find one in. Our company has been innovating new products since it was founded, and we're proud to continue that tradition with our Vicks VapoRub Winter Blast gum-flavored bon-bonds. Do these look just like mints, like diner mints? I'm lookin' at it, and man, that looks like a mint to me. I mean, am I crazy?
They're the same as Tide Pods. What do you mean the same as Tide Pods?
I also don't understand, now that we're talkin' about it, what does gum-flavored mean in this context? Bubble gum-flavored? Gum tastes like anything.
We're gonna get our fuckin' ass handed to us in court. You're not rolling on this, are you? Forget dryer sheets with Gain Brand dryer powder. You simply pour the powder into the mixer, you take your dryer stick right here, and this is cotton candy. Am I the asshole? Like, how do you not get, can we just cut, can you cut the camera real quick? I'm tryin' to understand right now how this happened. I have been busting my ass on this fuckin' Tide Pods fiasco, and I turned my back for three seconds, and now our entire line of products is shaped like fuckin' candy, and I'm tryin' to understand how this happened. Why are you crying?
With Tampax Push Sickles, you get to choose between chili cherry, frosty fruit punch, or ice cold cranberry. We, okay, not only should none of these be flavored, because why would you flavor them? This is the coldest thing I've ever held. And, as in everything else today, people will try to eat these. Even if they're not poisonous, we don't want people eating fuckin' tampons. Those aren't poisonous. Why are they poisonous?
You'll go cuckoo for cleanliness with our Cocoa Butter Premium Pampers brand Chucks so the kids eat shit, right? That's what this is, the kids, they eat shit. It's chocolate, diaper, poop. Let's see here, oh, there it is. Is it chocolate, is it poop?
Do we care, does anyone care? Who knows, who gives a fuck, right?
I'll kill you. It doesn't matter if we make the day, because none of this is gonna be usable. Do you understand?
That's a hamburger. It's a razor. That's a razor. That's a Gillette razor.
Bring me shaving cream right now, and if it doesn't shave my face, it's your ass. You get that, right? Here we go. Oh my God. That is a killer shave. That is like baby's bottom smooth.
The other stuff I don't know about, but this is, the hamburger is working for me. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please, please help, please help. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_lizzo_has_writer_s_block_snl | Lizzo, You're gonna kill it hosting this week. I know, like hosting. I think I can handle that.
This is like a whole musical guest thing that I was stressed out about. I mean, two new songs. I'm not joking. What's going on? I got writer's block. What can you write me a new song? No, then I need you to write me a new song. A song now.
Maybe it's more real. Maybe it's like I just got a haircut and I feel like you can see too much of my face. Too much of his face. You just feel like vulnerable.
No, I write songs about feeling confident. I need y'all to write a black woman anthem. Are we the guys to do that? We can write you like a white man? Oh, yeah well, well, let's not write a white man. so I'm gonna need you downstairs and tend to rehearse those new songs.
Can't wait to hear. you know, I got those bangas. All right we got 10 minutes. I need a song. you sexy daddy. come on Sexy. Oh, thank you. thank you so much I got my blue jeans on in a bottle of Jack. Okay, let's try calling response. I woke up feeling anxious. Please just let us pitch more sketch. hey, we're almost ready for you.
And by the way, if those new songs aren't good, I'm gonna kill you. He can do that. he's done it before till it gotta be great. I already wrote that one.
My girlfriend dress like Spongebob. You have a girlfriend, you're like a crush on Martin.
What is going on? this isn't working. we're trying so hard to make a song for you we can't guess. I gotta go get Killed by Andrew Dis mukes. But before I go pitched me that amazing sketch idea you guys got. Well, it's gonna sound stupid now, but it's called horny Zookeeper. it's about a zookeeper who's a little horny. I don't know. No, I like this. Wait, what do you mean? Yeah, this is a great song. It's a sketch.
The bedroom is my petting zoo. Oh my God. oh my God. it's happening. Set: The bedroom is my. that's the plan.
Then I make you eat a quarter with the seeds out the palm of my hand. Wow, I don't think you should do that on the show. You. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_colin_jost_interviews_rep_george_santos_again_snl | Nasa recently discovered a tiny moon orbiting the asteroid during a flyby of a spacecraft 300 million miles away. here to comment is the scientist who made the discovery.
Oh no, it's George Santos. Hi, George. Yeah, this has not been a good week for you. the House Ethics Committee released a scathing report about you. Okay. it said that you spent campaign funds on onlyfans. you did. on playing roulette. you let. shopping at Hermes. you're the mez. George. George, this is serious. they're calling for your expulsion. Well, then, girl, expol me. that's. that's not a word. girl is a word. that's not what I meant. Look, you're in Congress, but you're watching Onlyfans instead. Oh, please. isn't Congress kind of like Onlyfans anyway? people paying you to do nasty things on a sad, bad livestream? Ugh. All right. Well, George, you need to explain yourself. Okay, the report said you spent thousands of dollars on clothes at stores like Ferragamo. what did you buy at Ferragamo? this sweater. you went to Ferragamo, and that's what you picked? Okay, you're a bitch.
All right. it all. that was pretty catty of me, I'm sorry. it also said you spent $3,000 on Botox? I didn't get Botox. I got Botox, which is short for big ol'' thing of Botox. that's just the same thing.
George, everything out of your mouth is a lie. you're spending your resume, you lied about being Jewish. are you even gay? Of course I'm gay, Colin. I invented being gay. I was the one at Stonewall who said, here's an idea, you guys should kiss.
Okay. that's not what happened. just stop lying. Oh, come on, everyone lies. I mean, look at you wearing these structured, tailored suits. isn't that a lie? letting everyone think you have a perfect body? But George, I do have a perfect body.
I have to take this, hello? What are you doing? excuse me, I'm on the phone. it's Martha Stewart. Hi, Martha. dark meat, please. Yeah, okay, see ya, friend's giving. Okay, bye. that was not Martha Stewart, and that is not a phone. Yes, it is, it's the new iphone baby.
Well, George, you know, you had quite a run. You know, you came in hot, and now you're going out chaotic. Oh, Colin, everyone jokes about me, but you all know the truth. you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. you're gonna miss me by my sass. you're gonna miss me by my ass. Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. I invented this cups thing. I almost believe it. George Santos, everyone. you love it. you love me. |
dropout | honest_college_ad | Thinking about college? Why not consider the school that U.S. News & World Report once called adequate, Quendalton State University. QSU offers courses in literally every discipline there is. Regardless of real world application. This is the most photogenic spot on campus.
All of the other buildings remain in the 1970s and architectural dark age. They just started a 20 million dollar renovation on a state-of-the-art gymnasium, but we won't be here to see it. Neither will you.
This is the first time I've been in this class all semester, but it's so big I can do whatever I want. Look, I'm playing Tekken. Our RA lets us drink beer because she wants people to like her. Our team is a little worse than D3. But it's a great excuse to get obliterated on a Tuesday afternoon. This is my safety school. I fail students who disagree with them. We're actors. This literally never happens. I much prefer to hang out with copies of myself.
We're too young to go to bars, so we've been wandering the streets for three hours looking for a party. Over 50% of our students are commuters and the rest of us go home on the weekends. It's a fucking ghost town. My dad works three jobs to send me here.
We're the two hottest girls on campus and we're both dating douchebags. You don't stand a chance. Quendalton State University. If we were a good university, we wouldn't have a commercial. |
dropout | subletting_a_giant_robot | Well gang, looks like I'm about to head out on vacation. You sure you'll be okay without me? Oh yeah. We have nothing to worry about now that we defeated Frog-O. Oh God, that half-toed half-frog monstrosity will be haunting my nightmares. Cool. Well, I'll be back in a week. Don't touch my stuff!
It feels so empty in here. Yeah, totally. We should sublet our room.
Rent.
So, we hope it's not too small. No, no. Dude, are you kidding? This is tight. Like, I'm a part of the Ultramakatron team now. Like, what? I wouldn't go that far. You're more of a like a... Oh!
Blah!
You were perfect! You are perfect! You're not perfect!
Blah!
That's the real style! Take that down Frog-O.
Our last subletter didn't work out. but I feel like we can trust you. Yes, you can. I cannot one witch for the secrets of the Ultra Megatron, nor how they shall soon be mine. So comforting to hear that. As the worm eats away at the fruit from the core, and the termite gnaws at the foundations of the structure, I too shall not behave in that way. Okay, well, it sounds like he got it. Just don't touch the controls.
Yeah, well, Cash, you're right, Shakin. You'll be good to go. Uh, okay, one thing, that should be fine, but don't, don't cash it today. But you do have the money.
How about this? Can we do a pro-rated thing?
Cause I'm probably only going to be here for the day to download the secrets of the Ultra Megatron. I mean. So, the last tenant was kind of a deadbeat, but you look like you're good for it. That's right. I'm a consultant at Accredine Services. I've got the cash ready to go.
Do you think you can respect our space? Oh, absolutely, yes, yes.
I don't plan on spending any time here. Oh, so then why are you subletting the space? Oh, I intend to establish this as my primary residence since the Ultra Megatron is technically its own sovereign entity. I intend to exploit that so I can avoid paying taxes on my massive fortune.
So, do we have a deal? Hey, do you mind pulling that lever to your right? Oh, yep.
We have to stop trying to find subletters. Oh, come on, the new guy is great. He's subletting the sublet to a bunch of roommates.
Shh, shh, shh. No, no, it's just me in here. See, everything's cool, he's fine.
Whoops, sorry, wrong room. We don't know what's going on. I think Trisha's right, ooh. Whoops, sorry. You gotta see the bathroom. Oh, wait.
He didn't make any money.
Did I leave my phone in here? No. Sorry.
It's up. Yes, the hat is up. Wow, looks like the Ultra Megatron is still in one piece that separates into other pieces, as is its design.
We're responsible, yeah. Tell us about your trip.
Give me one second, I just need you to the bathroom first. Bathroom. What did you guys do to my bathroom? Ah! |
dropout | honest_rec_sports_commercial | Looking for a fun way to meet new people? Try Adult Rec Sports. My job and my home life have been really stressful lately. For just 60 bucks, I get to come out here and yell at strangers about something that doesn't matter. Hey, he hit him! I haven't played sports since high school. Adult Rec Sports provides a fun and social atmosphere for me to realize how very out of shape I am. It's just nice to do something active.
And to win. I have to win.
I'm a grown man here, cheats. I have legitimate rage issues, and there's no way I'm going to seek any professional help. Thankfully, Adult Rec Sports League lets me act like a complete monster.
Whoa! Man, my heart feels weird. Even if the ref calls me out, I'm not going because what's he going to do about it? Not a thing. This is barely a job. I signed up to make friends, but I don't think I know how. Fuck! Didn't touch me.
As a young professional, I have a hard time separating my shoulder from a socket. Without my Adult Rec League games, it's bound to happen. It's funny because a lot of us don't have health insurance. My meat will probably never be the same. These guys are too scared to kick us off their court.
The best part of it is that we're doing it for charity, so no one can make fun of us. This year, our league made over $32 for cancer research, or MS or something. I'm only doing this for the Instagrams.
Afterwards, everyone goes to the nearby bar, too many flat screens. We play fun drinking games and completely hide from our real adult responsibilities. Woo! The bar is a great place for me to apologize for being too aggressive. If they don't accept, they're the bad guys. It's fun to meet so many cool, new alcoholic people, from alcoholic lawyers to alcoholic students, even unemployed alcoholics. We're all going to drive home.
As the head of the league, of course I'm going to use my power, and that's why the winner of this season, and the owner of the coveted gold spray painting ball, is my team, Sports Pawns. Sports Pawns.
Adult Rec Sports. It's like bar trivia for dumb people. Hello, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. |
SaturdayNightLive | i_came_i_saw_i_came_again_snl | I wish I knew what this recital was all about. forget about it. we subscribed. they've always got something good. excuse me. yeah. well, at least we made it, huh? yeah. Oh, God, Modern dance. Shh. it's ballet.
How is this? Honey, let me see your program for a second. The Dance Theater for the Blind? Honey, please. come on. sweetheart, this is crazy. we've got to either stop this or leave. come on. I like it. it's interesting. maybe they're deaf, too. can we hold this just a second, please? Stop. stop the music, please. can I have your attention? Look, I know you hear the Kensington Dance Theater for the Blind are kind enough to come here and perform for our community Hall, but we weren't prepared for quite this. And I think we should just kind of call it a night and all go home, Okay? Thank you. it was a valiant effort. thank you. come on, honey. let's just. why? I beg your pardon?
What's the matter? you don't like to dance? No. you know what? I'm a real avid fan of all kinds of dance, but I think what you're doing is kind of getting out of hand. I'm sure you understand. No, I don't understand, man. we're the legitimate dance troupe here, and we've been engaged to play your hall, So what's the problem? Well, I don't know exactly how to say this, but, I mean, truthfully, and honestly, the fact of the matter is: you people are Blind. I think it's ridiculous.
Blind dancers. I'm sorry. we ain't blind. Well, you're the Kensington Dance Theater for the Blind. Are you not? that's for the Blind. we're a dance troupe that performs for blind people. we're not blind. these people are. Yeah, and these people enjoy what we're doing, isn't that right? enjoy yourself and let us finish dancing, Okay?
I'm really very sorry. I had no idea at all, but I gotta tell you. you people are terrible. Shh. don't spoil it for the others. |
cracked | what_the_13_most_popular_dating_sites_are_actually_for_rom_com | It's obvious that the online dating market is booming but before I formally commit to anything I have to ask why would my client invest in this company over any other one? Thank you! Heart! I hold the power of human life in my hands. Which one do you want to hear first? Life. You sound like a planeteer. I started this company three years ago.
In month one we had only six users. Now there are two million matches on findlove.net every day. Let's say a quarter of those resulted in an actual relationship. A tenth of those are consummated. What does that mean to you and me? We are a careful iteration of the female race but we are also an exhausted one. We only have so many bad lays and empathy-sapping breakups before our bones dry up and blow away. Obviously we phrase this more positively on the site property. Most women average only 4.7 partners in their entire lifetime. Meaning a whole 25% of the women who meet and sleep with someone on this site will be sleeping with their last partner. Factor in the ones for whom that is the getting murdered or driven to suicide type of last partner. That sounds like a great segue to a different thing. That still leaves an average of 20,000 human lives eating, breathing, dating. That's the sort of power you're wielding in this industry.
We don't do casual. We don't set up couples. We don't match at dot com.
We build clans. We forge bloodlines. We pave the way for dynasties.
Do you see? We have shifted and molded the population. There are lives that I am responsible for putting on this planet when I can take them out. That is not actually a service we offer here. Elise just gets caught up playing God. Right?
But isn't this the same mission statement as all the other sites? Most of our competitors have settled into niches. E-Harmony is for old people. Match.com's sneaky because it seems like it's all about love but most of the people on there are just looking to hook up. Like a more dignified Craigslist. Plus, the same parent company that owns Match also owns Chemistry.com, Love and Seek, OK Cupid, Black People Meet, Single People Meet, Senior People Meet, Singlesnet.com, Speed Date, and Tinder.
So... How different can they really all be? You forgot UrbanSpoon.com. That's not a dating website. Really? That's not a black... Doesn't it sound like...
We have gone through thousands of case studies evaluated every variable and can determine to an almost certainty whether or not you and your potential date would be a good long-term match using science. Sexy, perfect science.
And heart. Maybe you already walked by the love of your life and you missed her because you were busy tweeting or reading the thing. How many times could you have already missed your soul, Nate? Because of some dumb...
Whatever. If that comes around the corner, we want to be there to nudge you. Because sometimes that's all it takes a little love nudge, buddy. What's zoosk for? Hand jobs. Give it to me, Blake.
Finalof.net saw solid financial commitments from 11 new investors today.
Three of them had brown shoes. Two of them had shoes.
We have so many stats here. You guys, I never know what stats are there.
Fine. When asked what convinced our investors to back us, two of them said life and hands. Third place, naturally, because you're terrifying. Second place, love. Blake, you wet-boating mess. Everyone hates you. Yes, science.
Hoo!
Nice work today, monkeys. Quiet. Six babies were just born while Josie barked. Because of us.
What do you think about that? I think there's no way that I'm exactly right. Well, Josie barked sounds like a fancy novel I'd lie about having read.
Tomorrow, then. Great work in there today. Especially love the part where you talked about science and everyone killed themselves because, oh, my God. I actually haven't scoffed once yet, but if I've got the green light... Derek had this idea to make a gummy bear so big that he could fit in it. So once I eat through to the inside, oh, look.
Guys, it's Derek for sex. Don't be tricked. How's he supposed to breathe? I bring this up because the money I won for you today, for being the best, is probably going to fund this ambitious gummy bear sex project. See, this is what I don't get about you.
You swear up and down about the science behind the site, but you met your boyfriend in the real world with no science at all. Science is everywhere, Turd.
And for your information, I plugged our stats into the site's algorithm for funsies and we were a 98% match. And what was the other 2%? He thinks Empire Weekend is great.
They're just okay. Why don't you like them? Because they don't conform to some spreadsheet of the ideal beats per second for a song and you hate that because you have to crush anything special and intangible because you're a robot with robot parts.
Revealing the science of something doesn't take away its specialness. The sun, the tides. People used to think everything was magic until science kicked the fucking door down Uh, actually, everything's way cooler than magic because it's science. Peace out, smoke bomb. Which I made out of science. Every single long-term couple that's met on our site Ew, I don't use the science. has reached a compatibility of over 95% using our sexy algorithm. Love's not intangibles. It's rock hard science, baby.
Baby, what are you doing here? Sorry, I came to the office. Um, we need to talk. Uh, I couldn't wait, so... Oh, my God! You guys are breaking up right now and everyone forgot that Max is still here. Max! Um... Look, we do need to talk, though.
Is it the vampire weekend thing? Because she's right. They're... Okay, who else on the radio sounds like Vamp Weekend? Hmm? Nobody. They're wholly unique. That's not what this is about. Okay, but what then?
We each do the chores the other one doesn't want to do. We hate the same movies. We share the same political views.
We were 98%. That's it. I feel like you crunched the numbers. You decided we make sense, and that was it for you. We do make sense.
And that might be great for some people, but I never got the feeling that you would fight for me if you had to. And maybe that makes me, you know, a chick or too romantic or whatever. But I need that. Passion. The way you treat love, it's like you keep your heart locked up like a trophy for getting all the things it's done.
Isn't that a vampire weekend? It's a vampire weekend.
Yeah, thanks. You got the band stuck in my head. I feel like it fits here for this. Anyway, I'm sorry. You okay, bub? I don't know. I'm going to be? Well, you know, look on the bright side. At least you're working. Oh, shit. This is me.
I actually have to use this site to date now. We're interested in what your experiences in online dating have been overall. What works, what doesn't, so on.
The guys are horrible. Terrible.
I got a hundred messages in an hour. The messages I receive.
Paula, I'd go Pac-Man on that word for vagina I don't like using. I tear that ass up. Penis. |
CrackerMilk | seen_art_film | Not even that which I once loved. Now it tumbles, tumbles to the ground.
Pain is like a tattoo, permanent. Every moment that I breathe, I wonder why. Everything good is an illusion.
Happiness. Through this misery, I still hope. I hope that I'll soon get what I desire. That the world will turn its back on the pain it delivers and instead be my savior.
But that's all it is.
Leads to suffering. And suffering leads to pain.
Hey man, I got that milk you wanted. What are you doing? Is this because I didn't reply to your message and left you on scene? Yeah. Look, my phone died, okay? You got some mail. Just go get some air, man.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
My thoughts escape me with each hour that passes. Nothing can fill it.
Not even that which I once loved. Now it tumbles, tumbles to the ground.
Pain is like a tattoo, permanent. Every moment that I breathe, I wonder why. Everything good is an illusion.
Happiness. Joy.
Through this misery, I still hope. I hope that I'll soon get what I desire. That the world will turn its back on the pain it delivers and instead be my savior.
But that's all it is.
Leads to suffering. And suffering leads to pain.
Hey man, I got that milk you wanted. What are you doing? Is this because I didn't reply to your message and left you on scene? Yeah. Look, my phone died, okay? You got some mail. Just go get some air, man. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_gnu_linux_user_partition_1 | People say Ubuntu is for beginners. No Linux. People only say Ubuntu is for beginners because they want to feel superior. I also say Ubuntu is for beginners because I also want to feel superior.
That's a nice what you got there. Want me to turn it into a web server? If you want to turn your old Pentium beige box into a web server, I got just the tool for you.
I started following the ideology of Marxism-Stalmanism. You should have a look. As a GNU slash Linux user, you don't make your statement by going on the street with a sign. You make it by rolling your own distro. Anarchy. OS. I'm not negative. I'm dispositive. We measure free not by the unit of beers, but freedom. I will show you the beauty of free software. These are scripts other people have written and shared, so I can view them and modify them to my needs.
They don't work really well.
No checks for errors. No checks for dependencies.
Some of them only work in Nautilus. Some of them only work in Nemo. Some of them only work with files that don't contain spaces. And some of them don't work and will never work at all.
So I decided to write my own OS. And that has the following advantages. Some of my paintings, they're all RCC by SA. That means people can freely modify and copy this masterpiece. Well, it's free to modify. You can make your own copy.
AT&T, BSD lawsuit. Dancing in the GNU light. Feeling warm and bright. Oh, games work just fine now.
Wine. Proton. That's it. What do you want to play? Hello Kitty Diaries. Let me look that up.
Yeah, no. League of Legends? Also no. Call of Duty? Yeah, also no. On Windows, after a few weeks, you're just addicted to Fortnite.
On Linux, you might have just set up your DVD drive. If it's standard. Blu-ray? No, no. We don't do this here.
Bloat. Clutter. Bloat. Proprietary.
Games I play? Yeah, I don't have time for games.
Oh, this is just a Bloat signal. I mean Bluetooth signal.
They're always saying, yeah, but my code won't run on Linux. And then I prove them wrong. Just to show them that their code won't run anywhere. You can't do **** on Windows.
Oh, you can? Must be new. For 15 years? It's probably bad anyway. Let me just Z shell. Grab. Cap. Snap. Don't laugh too hard. You'll fall back on DNS servers. Why is this not working? Okay. I might have to fix something.
It's not an issue of Linux really. It's an issue of GNOME. KDE. X11. GCC. libGC. Java.
This is not a joke. You can find all my puns on my website. Fucking feel it. So long.
In Linux we got multiple sound systems. OSS. Pulse audio.
Alza. Jack. Each one tries to fix the problems of the previous one. Is that picture photoshopped? It's tux painted. Learn your package manager. There's a new audio system. What's the name of the guy you say? Tonight. All my life. So long. Lately I've been trying to be a little more careful with experimenting. Oh, there is a new sound system? Anything goes. Let's try. It's broken.
In our community there's a lot of weight classes and a lot of toxicity. It's almost like MMA. It's not for the elitism. But you don't see any beginners in our community.
Wayland is more bleeding edge. Breaks more often. Just how I like it. System D. The init war is mostly hyperbolic nonsense. But I personally don't like System D. As I see it as overly complex against the values of Linux. And I prefer the KISS approach.
And it's basically useless. And terribly unsafe.
So I switched to Coconut OS. It is the one and only true OS.
And everyone should be using it. And everyone else is wrong. But that's just my personal view on what everyone should use.
This is a... This is bus simulator.
Weird distro. Still better than Windows. Are you having problems with Windows? Ah, my 16-part Debian distro. Nvidia? We don't have gang signs. We have distros.
This is my... Oh, I was meant to have this running. It's getting quite hot. It's Gen 2 installing. No, I fry my computer. I rise my GUI.
I absolutely refuse to have a break in the middle. Once I start, I will go straight through. |
cracked | common_science_fiction_tropes_that_need_to_exist_the_cracked_podcast | Put your hands together for the Cracked Columnist, Bob! What's up, UCB Sunset? How you guys doing? My name's Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and I'm joined on stage by Cracked Columnist, editor, and host of our sister podcast, Unpopular Opinion, Mr. Adam Todd Brown! Hey! Adam.
This is exciting. Yeah. This is my first time co-hosting one of these. So it's my understanding we just heckle everyone who comes up. Yeah, yeah. It's basically how it goes. I just shout at their science fiction dreams, shoot them down. Yeah, so that's what we're talking about, science fiction. Have you heard about this stuff? No. Yeah, no. I didn't actually realize you're a big sci-fi fan, right? Yeah.
Your favorite book is a sci-fi book? Yeah, my favorite book, it's just my favorite science fiction scenario possible. The book is called This Perfect Day. It's written by Ira Levin, the same guy who wrote Rosemary's Baby.
And the basic premise is that there's this supercomputer that controls every aspect of your life, from what job you have to who you marry, everything. And I just feel like that would take a lot of the guesswork out of life. Right. You know? Like, just imagine breezing through. They drug you up every day, so that doesn't change, because that's what happens now too. So you get to be drugged up the whole time, and you just breeze through life, never making a terrible decision. Granted, you don't have a lot of freedom, but you probably do dumb things with it anyway. That's why you need the computer. Right.
And they take you out at age 62. Yeah, the best part. Everyone dies at 62. That is the best part.
That's an easy funeral to plan. It just seems like a really easy funeral to plan, that's what you like about it. Funerals are too hard to plan.
If I could make one change about this world of ours... I don't want it to be hard on people.
So yeah, we're talking about sci-fi tropes that we'd like to bring into our world. That's a thing that happens sometimes. I think sci-fi invented the internet, and so we're talking about the things that we hope actually come true.
Mine is bad guys being obsessed with weaponizing animals instead of bombs. So Jurassic World, all the Jurassic Park sequels, the Alien franchise, the bad guys rather than being like, oh, you just press a button and everyone explodes and we win. There's some logic to that. They're like, oh man, monsters. We got to get monsters, which would mean cool monsters to unite us, and shittier weapons, which I'm not a huge weapons guy. I don't use them, so therefore they're used on me by default. And yeah, it just seems like it would be cool if humanity as a species got dropped back down like one rung in the food chain. Just had to band together and fight dinosaurs because basically my wish is that weapons makers were just a little bit dumber is kind of what it works out for. And just really had it out for mankind. Because dinosaurs, they were already kind of weaponized. That's why they had to go extinct for us to take over. Because we weren't going to win that fight just living on the planet together. So weaponized dinosaurs, yeah.
I'd like to see that. So the idea is that we're going to have a series of cracked writers and editors as well as non-cracked writers and editors in comics. We'll have somebody out, they'll present their trope, and then the next person will come out and we'll ask you to judge them against one another.
It's stupid. It's just to keep things moving. Is there a prize really that they get to keep sitting next to me? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the winner stays out and heckles the next person. The next person bomb in a row so they don't have to stay up here.
So let's get to our first comment. Let's do it.
This is exciting. Coming up first is the co-host of one of my favorite podcasts of all time, Professor Blastoff. He's also the host of a show on sci-fi called Reactor. It's sort of a science daily show type thing. And also the really interesting podcast, I believe they're called Space Cave. He is a hilarious stand up, David Huntsberger.
Oh, I've got a really rant. This feels so serious.
You guys brought up something in your discussion that was a trope that I don't think I saw on the thread, the email thread, which I realize now I'm really sick of, maybe more than any of the others, which is humanity bands together as we always do, then we always win. And the aliens say something like, there's something good in them. We shouldn't annihilate them. And clearly based on just the presidential election currently, we have no basis being kept alive. Go ahead and end it. If you're an alien group, I think we've established very clearly, we're not like this benevolent, loving, caring group that wants to elevate our consciousness and become more intelligent than we are.
We just want to see shit smash into each other. We want to see people fight with a litany of advertisements plastered on some sort of background and high five and drink Bud Light.
And that doesn't deserve to live. So I think that trope sucks. And I don't know why I'm always like for the aliens when they have their finger on the button. Don't do it.
Like, ah, you pussy. Go ahead and do it. Yeah.
With regards to how we treat other species, why would they be like, oh, they seem like they're nice. Like they see what we do to animals. They would be like, yeah, we should let them live.
Is that a zoo? What? Shoot that gorilla. I think this is kind of that doesn't count for my time as this joke.
One of two types of people when aliens show up, you are either the what usually the movies make you feel like is the appropriate person, which is very has the wherewithal to be like, but they could share so much knowledge with us. We must embrace them and welcome them in. The other type of person is always like, get a pitchfork. They're going to kill us. And I feel like we need a bit of both. Like when you're watching the movie, like I wouldn't be like that pitchfork guy, but we need that guy. Some aliens might mean us harm. And we can't just walk out there like, tell us all, you know, just plasma immediately.
Absolutely. Right.
I feel like we as America should just shoot one right away, but not like blatant, like execution style, like gauche like that. But like use a sniper or something. And then like if they question it, we're like, you know what kind of country this is. We have gun violence.
I'm sorry. I was very random. I'm sorry. It happened to you. And stray bullet.
Yeah. Just like, sure.
My kids die that way. Sorry, pal. You're like, you're an alien. You're not exempt from it. I think those are my tropes.
I didn't. Yeah. That didn't seem like that ranty. I'm not that furious about him. Really? No. All right.
David Huntsberger. So am I supposed to leave or sit?
Sit next off, throw up a chair as we bring out our next presenter, Hilarious Stand Up, who performed on the Oddball Comedy Tour, Outside Lands, SF Sketch Fest. Lots of comedy fest. All the comedy fests, you guys.
Hello. Oh, hi. Hi. Welcome. Thank you.
Let's talk generation ships.
I want on one. I want on. You know the generation ship is the idea where you cast a ship into space that's supposed to seek out a more habitable planet because we've destroyed the one that we're on? Absolutely. But it's so far away that a generation has to live, breed, and die on the ship in order to reach the next planet. I want in. I want to do that because think about what it implies.
If we need a generation ship, it means that we have already spoiled the planet that we're on and it's gross to live on. It's smoggy and full of traffic and bullsh**. And it also means that we've reached peak technology. We're at a tipping point between how sh** things are and how great things are. And you have to figure if the ship that's going to go like a generation away, it's probably nice.
Like, you know what I mean? You're probably not flying coach. Like it's probably generous accommodations. I'm picturing Dubai in the sky, baby.
I want a Royal Caribbean dream only in space. I want all of the best food because we can freeze dry that sh**. I want all, I want a like pool slide and like a hot nightclub. I want all the best of technology for my entire generation.
Did you see Snowpiercer? No. What?
My entire frame of reference for this idea is one episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 called Space Mutiny. And I think Space Mutiny is unnecessarily dystopic about the potential of a generation ship. It's a real bleak vision. A villain named Calgon tries to mutiny and it's unpleasant.
I don't think any of that would happen. I think it would be super nice to travel on. And I have Braden hips, so I don't mind squirting out one or two. That's fine.
And all you have to do is ride an opulent luxury for the rest of your life and be the like progenitor of the generation that actually has to do the work of establishing a new planet. Like your kids have all the hard sh** to do. You just have to teach them to start fires and tie knots and then you can die a hero. You founded the future of the human race on a new planet and all you did was like eat lobster on a spaceship for all of your days.
And listen, I'm not saying I want to be a cruise ship comedian. I'm just saying that if I could die a hero while telling jokes in the lounge and swimming in a pool for the rest of my days, baby, I want it. I want that bad. I really want to deal with it. But think about yourself as a mother, where you're like, I don't want to do stuff.
You have these kids and then as you're getting old and dying, like, good luck. Go have this horrendous life. Yeah, good luck. Congratulations.
And it's going to be a horrendous... Why would that be different on her? Because whoever gets to our new planet first is going to build everything. And then in 10 years, a bunch of intergalactic trumps are going to show up and gentrify everything. I'm a f***ing problem.
And you'll be like, oh, we're native Martians. And they'll be like, whatever space Indian, you know what this is. That's what will happen to the first people who get to space. That's them.
I'm gone. And still not in as a hero for the rest of time. That's just my kids. I live in a basement.
I want all of the generation ship, God damn it. I'd be worried that it would be easy to Hitler a space ship, to turn to everybody, you know? Hitler rose to power in an environment of economic deprivation.
That's true. Deliberately implied from nations abroad. That's a very conflicted, ugly situation that none of us should have made and one evil f***ed up dude took advantage of. Why suggest that that's what we would do on a generation ship? Hey, I'm not perfect. If we do, I'm just saying. I'm always saying. If we did that, we deserve to die on our way. That's a bold man. To a new planet. Hey, if we f*** it up, then we perish before we get there and history is written as it should have been. But this girl's history, I think is going to go better than that. I think. Let's vote for Caitlyn Gill. All right.
Our next presenter is a writer-performer from Cracked, goes by many names. Please welcome Joshua Sargent. It's quite a power move coming out the door instead of the curtain. I figured I'd do a Kramer thing, but I put my own spin on it.
Kind of cheating, but I want to talk about technology. Not what it does though, because I don't think, fashion light travel is great, I don't think I could ever afford it, but just the sheer reliability of it, because I have never seen an episode of Star Trek where they get down to the planet and they pull out their communicator to talk to the enterprise, and it's stuck on the Tinder app and he can't get the phone thing to work, and he's just like. It's amazing because it never fails in the most boring ways, which is how my technology exclusively fails.
In Star Wars episode one, Darth Maul's lightsaber, which is a laser sword, gets cut in half, and the half still works. It's just half of a laser sword now, whereas my cell phone, if I drop it, I have to buy a new one.
In the first three months I worked at Cracked, it's a true story, I broke four laptops. It's true. It was a real problem.
The enterprise doesn't even have an IT department. It's not like Kirk gets his new touch communicator on his shirt, or he breaks it, and he takes it to a guy who's like, I don't know what's wrong, we just got already a new one, and then they order him the wrong one, and he's trying to put in his employee number, and it's not right, and he has to look up his employee number, and it just halts the space, the exploration of where no man has gone before. I feel like this was turned into a passive aggressive complaint about our work technology.
That fifth laptop still works, though. I've been here for two years, it's great. Number five's the charm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's how many it took.
Maybe that does happen, though, and we just don't see it. Maybe that's the B-roll of all these rad shows, is just Picard yelling, like, God damn it, and then slamming down his diary for the day. Because if you saw that scene, you'd be like, that's the weirdest scene I've ever seen in my life. I desperately wanted it.
Why did they leave that in there? Well, they didn't leave it in there.
Maybe because of people like you, Josh. They left in a scene where data has sex with a woman. Right? That's weirder, I think. What?
Did they just have a sex bot walking around? That's more out there than a piece of technology not working. Yeah, but that's exciting watching. You're at this point comparing a piece of minor technology having a small dysfunction with watching a robot man have sex, and I think... With another robot? No, no, no. It was a robot. It was a human person.
Either way, yeah, you leave that in. But if it does break, if anything does happen to break, it always breaks like an old cool sports car breaks where you can still drive it around and you just have a leaky radiator and it's still running and you can go in there and fix it. Whereas nothing I own, if anything I own, I can't even open up my laptop. Still talking about computer skin. Can't even open it? Yeah. I think the problem's you, man.
Motherboards never melt. It's always like Han Solo gets to go down there with a wrench and fix the hyperdrive and the Millennium Falcon to something. You can just tighten up and it'll work again. And best of all, and I'm saying this, having worked on engines a lot, they're always so clean. Han Solo doesn't come out of the engine room of the Millennium Falcon covered in grease.
He doesn't have to use the special soap. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? You have to use the special soap, get the grease off your skin, use a brush.
Yeah. It's horrible. I'm sincerely going to miss greased up men and women working on engines. Either one will do it for me. I want a little dirt in my world. Then once again, I can't recommend Snowpiercer. Okay. Wait till you see how that engine runs.
Excellent. Give it up for Joshua Sargent, if you want him to stand. Thank you. Give it up for Caitlyn Gill, if you'd like her to stand.
She's staying. Caitlyn stays.
Our next guest has been featured on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, MTV. She's written for awesome shows like The Eric Andre Show. Most importantly, she's part of one of my favorite comedy troops, Birds of Prey. Please give it up for Lizzie Cooperman.
Thank you. Yeah. Thank you, guys. What a great start to drop this. All right. Tropes, shall we? Yes. Let's try out.
Something that I notice in the sci-fi world is that everybody is blessed with a high metabolism. Everybody's very, like, sleek and, like, contoured and Swinton-like. Like, there's no. Swintonian? They're very Swintonian. Exactly. That's a race, actually. Swintonian. but they're very like I feel like nobody like on a galactic like battleship ever has like a thyroid problem there's never anyone who's like I need my triostat or like any problem what if this was just a commercial for triostat it'll take you to any Empire um triostat I just start talking about my own personal thyroid problems I suffer with hypothyroid I do this is actually like more about like health reasons it's nothing vain I just wish like if everybody had a high thyroid they would be in a real or like a high metabolism everybody would be in a great mood I look this up on Wikipedia high metabolism good mood yeah exactly like everyone would have like there wouldn't be as much heart disease diabetes we wouldn't have like as many weight loss shows could get rid of access baggage yeah I can't think of that many overweight or unhealthy seeming sci-fi characters in the future those are all protein it's like yeah a really disgusting version of the Atkins bug gel well I think I'm one of those like Baroque era people that just believes that a little extra meat is a sign of how opulent and easy your life is like to me like looking milk-fed is still good business right you know there's something bleak about that super like everybody being all like a little too lean and those Star Trek suits with that taper down in the air and the viewer accentuates that the triangle does I but that to me implies like strain and hardship in a way where I just want to be painted on a lounge being fed like sugared meats like that which roaster the reality I want to live in to the agenda our exception like I was thinking about this and I'm like okay job of the hut he's an exception right but everyone hanging out at that bar was overweight but maybe it was like happy hour like aliens maybe they're all hellas into aliens we don't know yeah I can't I can't even I can't even body shame the hut man he just he's wearing it well I feel necessary for his particular body shaming exactly about job as health Java is ready for winter I'm saying he's all set for when the hard times come he has the bread bowls he's ready he also eats a variety of foods he's not like a panda hanging out eating exclusively bamboo and still asking for sympathy dude eat something else if you want to make it up on the mountain job is eating whatever it's weird things are feeding him he'll eat whatever kind of bug or space critter it's part of how he's hardy I just have I'm glad we got to take pandas down yeah yeah it's a weird thing I'm irrationally mad about it they're gorgeous they're beautiful animals they are beautiful one other fucking thing also don't gestate for a year and then shoot out a pee that you have to keep in your pouch for another two years which brings me to my panda point I'm sorry right pandas that would be amazing if you had something I wish let's give it up for Lizzie Cooper man thank you give it up for Caitlin Gil hilarious writer performer on the website cracked calm please give it up for Thomas Ryman what an entrance thank you my favorite trope well I have a couple that I want to talk about but definitely my favorite trope is the fact that in a lot of sci-fi movies but more specifically Star Wars everybody understands everybody else's language which is really cool because like think of how awesome that would be if you just like walk around and no matter what language anybody speaking and you could totally understand we carry on a conversation with them but I love that even in this sort of kind of like utopian kind of world everybody is still kind of an asshole cuz we're all like well fuck you I'm gonna speak my own like nobody speaks anybody else's language like Han and Chewie have been like friends for like 40 years but Hans never speaking like Chewbacca language but they understand it like they're able to hold like conversations without actually dipping into you know each other's words it's like it's like going to like a party full of rappers where everybody's listening to their own mixtape it's like glassy logic right like they can yeah I understand exactly like freaking art to his little beeps and boobs everybody's like yeah to totally cool or to I don't write like job in the hut holds like court with like people who are speaking like four different languages and he's just like his like the slug burps that are his language everyone's like I gotcha job but yeah I'm right we're on the same right on the level what if they were all just humoring each other yeah totally dude every one in the future is just gaslighting everyone else no idea what anybody's talking about it's just chaos do you think Han Solo sat down and learned whatever he's I think this is what every a real shot like when his technology breaks in a really boring way yeah maybe he had a little weird audio 8-track in a set of headphones and just sat there and then figured it out yeah we've seen the holiday special there's plenty to go by about how Chewbacca what a dick move to learn how to like understand it but not speak it back sounds American in red white and blue baby yeah that's the universe that I want to live in right give it up for Tom Ryman give it up for Caitlyn can't be beat undefeated all right bye Tom all right we're out of time hey thanks for watching that video make sure to like and subscribe that's the joke hey thanks for watching that particular video make sure to like it and subscribe to our channel because this is your first day on YouTube and you didn't know you could do that the words are right there |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_247_Justin_Horo_aka_The_Scope_and_Willie_Mason | Yes the following podcast is actually one of the better ones we've done in a while we're helping two close friends of Batuu to launch a new podcast I'm about to introduce them I'm going to say this will be premy air go-to for rugby league analysis and other musings of the world this is uh yes Willie Mason and Justin Horro also known as scope today they're launching their new podcast levels you're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM well well well well well welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show round one of the NRL is upon us we're very excited big things happening this year there's a lot going on actually in the NRL and as we were just saying off here not many scandals which is refreshing not many scandals we know about no no no they'll come out later they'll come out in the finals I reckon they're probably you know holding on to the scandals but you know today's today's two guests are very storied in their respective careers both on the field off the field and they can talk to all these things they can talk to NRL they can talk to and now I think they're some of the great analysis providers of this game and you know probably some of the great scandals kind of shared between two of these blokes but you know aside from that aside from the on-field off-field scandals that we usually get around this time of the year there's players strikes there's a new team coming into the competition in the shape of the dolphins you know named after the geographical location of the dolphins uh based in the north northish queens and brisbane area sunshine coast they're keeping it vague I can see why one thing I did learn is that the dolphins have more members than the Bronx yeah I feel like that's what they're going to try and do with the future members as well just anyone who doesn't like the Bronx in Queensland come on over to the dolphins it's a funny stat because yes the dolphins probably have on paper more members than the Brisbane Broncos but it's also is that true yeah well Red Cliff is a retirement village so we're talking counter meals you know what I mean we're talking old codgers coming in for karaoke they're members of the club free buses yeah but um you know speaking of counter meals poker machines these guys know it all and uh I have to say they've um you know Scott Mace you've made for some incredible football over the years we've enjoyed watching you play and I've actually enjoyed watching you guys pivot into podcasting I do think there's a rawness with you guys I don't know if it's because what you're getting on the on the on the tv and you know the traditional kind of NRL coverage commentary punditry is kind of I think guarded a bit what do you guys think it is why have you guys popped off the way you have um I think it's it's very organic and it's authentic I suppose I don't think it's uh you know when you see some blow still in podcasts it looks a little bit too pushed and it's like it's not fucking that it's not that real yes it's a little bit of bullshit to it it's forced I'm like I've known each other for like 10 years yeah I think about 10 years older than you but we sort of we're hanging out together our same our mindset's the same when it comes to rugby league same sort of humor and all that kind of stuff I end up playing with hoz at the back end of my career like 2015 but he was always around the sort of like he was about 10 years younger than me so he's always around the sort of scene we're always mucking around taking the piss out everything same sort of mindset and jokes and all that sort of thing and um it sort of just went straight onto onto camera and onto podcast so it just seemed really organic we don't we don't sit in there and edit anything no it's fucking one take and I'm out there's no like there is no bullshit it is what it is what you see what I said it is what it is and then you we just get out and obviously people like that rawness and like the way that we analyze games and the synergy between me and hoz it's a real thing it's not it's not manufactured or anything like that and he's he's a smart cat you know what I mean he knows he's been around the game so we're probably at two ends just saying our career he always says that like he's on that you know like battling sort of bloke and I was at the other end where we can both give that perspective and I think that's very very powerful when you just you feel that young kid listening or if you're that superstar listening or in the middle you know aspiring sort of rugby league player it's just like we just sort of give insight and we break the game down it's like how we see it pre and post smartphones pre and post yes yeah yeah yeah back end was so Willy had it easier back yeah I was 28 when the phones come through so I was already set my mind was already made up on shit so uh it was a bit different and then by the end of it when I retired it was like 2016 so I was like pretty much it wasn't as hectic as it is now like with social media even talking six years ago seven years ago it's a fucking change everything has gone has really amplified um over the last couple of years so what you said before is interesting two different spectrums you know you you were journeyman horror yep you were dreaming Willy you were I mean you moved around a bit as well but you always had all eyes on you do you think this is an interesting uh metaphor for what's happening with the with the pay dispute now because you know the old heads the guys who want a bunch of money and I wish we saw this in more codes are kind of sticking up for the young fellas coming through they might not be on that kind of coin is that is that yeah I think and yeah if you understand just say when when I was playing we were always like that I was always one of the at the top of the of the payment sort of thing you know I didn't really have to worry about it but I was always concerned about the guys a couple of my best mates doing exactly the same work like it was minimum wage back then was thirty two thousand dollars yeah do you know what I mean like these guys were like had another job this is like 2005 2006 you know guys I look I use like Brad Moran Moz end up playing 70-something games but he just toiled and toiled he was doing exact same pre-seasons of me doing exact same commitments off the field on the field on the field was a bit different right but he was doing the exact same thing and that's why we all the guys who were getting paid the most money were always fighting for the guys that are bleeding with you week in week out like to up that low you know like the the mandatory rate is I think it's 120 000 now which should have been like 10 years ago yeah so like the game wasn't earning that much money yeah it was still earning that money we knew it just wasn't open and they were you know there's so many other little facets of like it wasn't under one umbrella it was the ARL the NRL the New South Wales rugby QRL everyone's eating off the same pie that's why they're trying to really get it under just one thing Peter Villandie's NRL you know what I mean well the year I went to the grand final I was on 50k and 3k matches in 2013 that's some bush like shit that was uh that was really I played every game but one game that year so that was fun to build it up I was on better coin the year before yeah went through got punted from Parramatta but had to grind through but yeah there's so we mean the reason you're going back to what you said before the reason me and Mace connect is we always got along no matter what like I was on 50k Mace is on much more than that maybe 10 times it's good to see that relationship you know you know in the flesh it is good to see that because people think it's it's got people would look at something like the UFC right where Conor McGregor gets to the point where he could actually has the clout to actually fight for you know the rest of the comp you could actually say you know what I'm not fighting until everyone else gets paid in the UFC it's a bit different because you get your own interest you've got your whiskey or your whatever they're doing so they kind of have to they pad themselves out with their with their profile yeah but it's not that easy in the NRL it's you know and I think it's actually great to see this in the flesh you know as you said well you're always fighting the fight for anyone whether they were one year in 10 years in and Horah you as you said you're still on match payments is that still happening in the game now um there there's a new system where they've got a training trial system so for instance Josh Reynolds would have been on that at the Bulldogs but I think now minimum wage is I think it's closer to about 150 180 now um Mace but yeah essentially it's the same thing and it's like it's like you said before guys up the top I know a good mate of mine who's probably in the top 20 paid players in the NRL when he's going through this now I had a conversation with him about it he goes realistically if I retired tomorrow I'd be set for a you know pretty much life if I made did made the right decisions like essentially he doesn't need this CBA to go on any further and make he's already made enough money off the game but it's for the other guys it's for the guys in my position and um some of those other guys that it's going to be tougher on them if they have to get to the position where they're potentially not playing paying their way week to week on rent or mortgages on which is all relative to their playing ability but also it's relative to what you know they've purchased so the game's making tough little moment yeah it's what the game's made it's all relative to what the game is making that's all they want is a fair slice of the pie yeah it's like any sort of workplace if you're making a hundred million as a company and like your workers are getting what five percent of the revenue it just doesn't it doesn't sit well yeah and the problem with the NRL and the RLPA for the last you know even when I was playing it was just we weren't all in yeah as players were like yeah yeah like Tony Butterfield did a lot for us you know but like he was getting paid from the NRL so we're like well there's a bit of a fucking conflict of interest there so how's Clint?
Is Clint still involved?
Yeah, Nuno does a great job you know and since Nuno's come on board a lot of these things have happened because he was a player because he went through the system and he understands like he went through the same sort of system as I did it was probably like five percent ten percent maybe 20 max that was with the RLPA because we're like what are you really going to do for us yeah the bigger you know like until we're unified like it is now then we'll start making moves you know like we were saying some shit I remember 2006 I said let's fucking strike origin you know what it wasn't said like that I did an interview and they're like well this is what the game like just say they made 50 million out of the revenue out of origin they make a shit load that's that's their that's their baby and I found out what sort of money they were making and and I knew and some drunk corporates told Willy on the piss and they go so what do you think we should do and I said well if we're going to be united we should strike origin that would be smart and then it would send a message to the NRL that the players are not here to be fucking stepped over and if we had done that in 2006 we wouldn't be doing this shit now yeah because they're fucking willing to do that now because they're all unified yeah but it went fucking pear shaped I was like Willy says strike origin I'm like oh fuck I didn't say it but I didn't say it like that I'm like then you got all the old heads up again and playing the agent fucking greedy prick I'm like all right I'll cop that but like I said at the gym I said fuck you mate I didn't say like that I was taking I was taking the piss like yeah you know what we should strike origin that would get that would get their attention and it would show that we're unified that was my narrative but they just went fucking done imagine a scab origin like yeah exactly good quince them I lost that was my plan that was my plan it was 2006 I knew they had this dynasty coming trying to get rid of Greg English for someone who just uh reads the Daily Telegraph in the Australian and uh watches channel 9 where are we at and thinks that the players are basically yeah yeah who thinks that all the players are all greedy dogs they're just trying to get as much money as they can out of the game they don't deserve it you know come join us on a work site then it's like yeah I'd make more money if I did you can go to the mines play footy for Cessnock get three grand a game from Cessnock and 160 in the mines yeah it's fucking better than some of these folks who are just running knees and shoulders will still work in 10 years time a lot of players were doing that about 10 years ago they're going up in the Newcastle to his cup getting paid a shit like playing for curry curry getting three grand a game 120 160 in the mines fucking or you're not even on a top 30 roster and you can't even get a spot you're playing Reggie's yeah that's a yeah you'd rather do that you know like but these you know if you do read the Telegraph and you know they're in cahoots with this fucking NRL of course they're going to control the narrative and say you guys are greedy pigs and all this other stuff as I said it's all relative to how the game what the game is earning and the CBA is very important because they're talking about health insurance they're talking about all these other things they're trying to take care of the women's game yeah there's a lot of shit going on yeah it's not about the salary cap it's about taking care of all the guys that have played before us all the like as I said like we get the same just say Cameron Smith perfect example just played 17 18 years non-stop and he just decides to retire in 2019 or 20 whatever it was and a guy who's just played five years he decides to retire he gets the same medical as Cameron Smith that's not fucking fair yeah you know what I mean like I put 17 years in and a guy who put in two years he gets exactly the same as me and Marco Miele and all the Greg Inglis and all these sort of guys Sam Burgess your injuries don't start hitting you till you're about 40 yeah I'm 42 now so like I don't remember the next two years after I retired I was in Ibiza every fucking weekend I was in the south of France I was around traveling because I was still in all right Nick and I'm like I'm fine I don't need any operations oh fuck I do now my hips fucked or something like that you know like it happens like that when you're in your 40s it doesn't happen you know in your 30s you still think you're fucking iron man yeah it doesn't happen so like they're the things that they're fighting for so when they do retire we might we're not going to get that I understand that but the next crop of players that are retiring in the next five to ten years they will get that and they deserve that because that's what it's about isn't it because the narrative is basically players are greedy they want more money for themselves but it's just a whole raft of different things that they're pushing for where are we at in leading into the season where are the negotiations are you had old mate from the RLPA on yeah yeah yeah we had the next teammate of ours um look by all probably a couple weeks ago I would have said it was looking I thought it was down look at looking like we might not play around mine and they talked about striking the trials or whatever by the sounds of it like this seems to be good conversations happening behind closed doors I think they've even got to the point I think when Abday come out and said they're progressing yeah because I know for a fact that it wasn't progressing it was going backwards so the fact yeah when Abday come out and said that message the boys a little bit it's definitely a lot better than what it was they got all the boys together we were lucky enough to go behind the scenes and just see how the RLPA were working and they got all the players together for a bit of a summit before the the week before the preseason trials got Dan Carter coming to speak to him about you know what they've gone through rugby union so um it was pretty cool to be a part of that in just a minuscule way it's a cba back to the cba yeah that's all it's about it's all this little all the nuances all the intricacies that we don't know about and the punters don't know about and they won't put it in the telegraph and put in channel nine what they actually want but it's all about the welfare of the players and the women's game yeah the women's game is very important to our game so like they're probably stalemated a fair bit because of the women's game like i think they have their salary their minimum wage is going to go 32 55 or something like that yeah yeah that's that's that's better than us in 2004 put it that way that's what i mean like the girls need to understand that yeah that's a big jump and they deserve everything they get but it takes a while yeah look how fucking long it's taken for us to get here it's 2023 yeah and we just sort of like getting treated like we're like employees of the nrl and it's a fair sort of hit you know like you're getting treated like yeah well we deserve this this and this because they weren't we weren't privy to their numbers yeah you know what i mean in the 90s and shit the game was at its peak winfield cup all this so they were fucking raking it in then that's why super league hit yeah yeah i mean you guys will find out more that more more about that but like that's the whole game and it's like and now it's like they're getting what they deserve yeah particularly the women's game it's crucial for them like you have millie boil who's probably the best player in the game sitting out of a world cup because she goes i've got other commitments i've got other things over it's not worth their while yeah it's on their worth that's what that's cause as well that sucks and that sucks yeah to put a to put anybody in that predicament where it's like it's not worth me playing for my country and winning the world cup what the fuck is happening yeah yeah we know what i mean like millie's a legend you know what i mean like she's like and she's like a real integral part of the yeah the kangaroos yeah you know what i mean she's willing to sit out and go you know i'm probably going to be in the red after this yeah yeah yeah because they players came out and said as well there's calls for three games in the women's origin series and some of them are saying well i can't take any more time off work sorry like i actually can't afford why they're gonna try why they're trying because we want three games for the women they should have played before every men's game you don't you don't understand it's not it's not like it was 10 or 15 years ago with the women's game you go down fucking every single part it's not exhibition these girls they can see a pathway to professionalism and winning world cups winning origin but winning origin is three all right it ain't just one yeah so in their head when they were growing up they saw three games now they didn't get one game and it sucks because it's not worth them taking time off work and all this kind of stuff it's like it's not worth my while again it's like well that's fucked yeah you know so that put it if they have the minimum wage at like 32 that's fair enough and you're going to earn money off the field and all this kind of stuff it's like you then you're saying well you can sort of sacrifice your sort of job kid all this sort of stuff like within a women's life and the game lives the game lives when they're paid to play yeah you know what i mean and and that's they're the things that they should be talking about yeah but they won't as i said the nl control the narrative they're in cahoots with the telegraph fox sports all this sort of shit kenties millie boyle with bash paul kenneth pump for easy pika challenge lovely pika he's had a hell of a start to 2023 season old pika he's foreign already what's he doing what's he saying what's he doing he got a little barney down there the other day that's right yeah i read that he's a fiery human mate l pk he got that little man syndrome oh lovey lovey pika that's a little running joke in our podcast whenever we hammer on him we always finish all the land is lovely lovely p anyone we rip we can just go we love your bus now um you guys have uh you've got a great chemistry i want to talk scott did you see yourself in media no no what did you see when you hung up the boots i mean i know no one really knows when they hang up the boots probably hung up the boots you saw yourself doing another couple years in paris or something like that but when you really hung up the boots and you knew it was time what did you see yourself getting into um i was always having conversations with my uh player management group about getting involved in that so that was going to start off in like a scouting uh format where i come back and did some work for pacific sports management i actually did um dip my toes into that a little bit but then i ended up coming back and doing a podcast with ice from uh yktr he was just starting the yktr sports thing and then he just sort of hit me up he goes why don't you uh i've got this thing i'm doing obviously i'd seen what yktr the brand the merchandise brand had done from from afar was overseas i was always hanging out with those boys in the off season and he goes look i'm gonna start this sports media side of it um basically a few podcasts he was doing his podcast the ice project at the time he goes why don't you give it a crack and get some guests on so my first guest was mace i got because of your history you played together yeah yep so we went back so i'll tell you it's you'd lived uh we just played in the south of france of course we left stuff to talk about three-hour train ride from barcelona away together yeah so i'll tell you what i mean i'll tell you what i mean because basically wouldn't wouldn't have known who i was when we first met each other so this sort of like um sums up mace about 2007 2008 i was playing under 20s hit the scene going out enjoying nightlife just trying to sneak in wherever the first graders were and i used to bump into mace all the time and he was for whatever reason he didn't know who i was but he sort of looked at me you know six foot six foot two six four three probably just goes he's probably a footy player like a young footy player and he always just right under his wing yeah and he always used to have sit sit on the corner of sapphire shout out sapphire he'd have 10 vodka red bull sitting there one time i walked past him and he just goes he just gave me a drink and i went holy shit that's really mason just gave me a drink anyway fast forward about three four years i ended up playing with ready mature and willy tonga um become really good mates with them so obviously you know from their days at the dogs they started hanging out and then 15 man 15 manly 16 over in france and we got plenty of stories from france and then yes i'll come back and obviously mace been who maces i thought was important like you know about to start my podcast i need a real big guest someone who was um you know not only could bring that credibility but also spoke well and was always going to speak his mind so those are sort of the people that i've been attracted to those are the people i've wanted to work with so when we started doing the actual sports show there and started talking footy um there's only one guy i wanted to do it with so i hit mace up he was sort of doing his own thing and then over time it's just generated now into the last six months the reason why it has to happen is because you guys are actually as i said before you've got everyone glued to you a lot of your predictions come true i'm not i'm not going into that you know your tips or whatever like that but you can actually it's almost like the two of you working together with your two you know varying experiences in the game can kind of pick the trajectory of certain players or certain teams in with with proper insight it's not just that bastard journo like pantry what are your picks for this year what are you feeling grand final start with that grand final i think north queensland and sharks i just yeah i just think what i saw the sharks and i'm like another year together under 50 the pre-season they would have had they played against we played against them last week they were quite impressive and i'm like penris on the not decline but they'll come back to the pack yeah you know the roosters are sort of like they're going up but they no one's really like going all right fucking penrith penrith again you lose kick out you lose abby so that brings you back they're two of the best players in their positions in the world so like you're losing just some average back rollers there so um you know taylor may out for the whole year acl be a big part of them coming out of yardage and all that kind of stuff and the sharks i'm like look at that back five like mulatala patala jesse raimian fucking um talakai in the fallback like it's his traps last year he's a beast and then you got these back rollers you got your front rolls you got a good mix you good nine good good depth as well i always look at the 22 players what are you feeling in the cows i mean i know they've got a lot of local boys i like what they're doing like that was one playoff last year making the grand final they could easily be premieres this year people don't understand that couple of plays and paramount you know short lane hit some fire in that second half they were nullified in for that whole game and then next minute bang bang they start going left you know i was like fuck and then the cowboys sort of just capitulated a couple of bad calls forward passes whatever the fuck it is happens in rugby league i'm like cowboys in the finals that's what happens they're not losing but they're that's a bad base they're not really losing that much they're losing tommy is it tommy gilbert yeah tommy gilbert but you've got luciano you lay lure in there you've got cohen hess who really played good last year you still got your front rolls there talmololo the halves the centers like it's a fucking rock star team all saying this under the you know hopefully they don't get injured and everyone plays their best form that's what i'm saying like if you put the 17 players i'm saying and they're all playing peak form they have the great year they're the two teams that should be there at the end have they spent the entire preseason tackling in the townsville heat like last year i would have been is starting something special yeah and they're coming through tommy did and towns and sort of put the icing on the cake and you know they've you know val holmes probably had his best year since he was a crinola for sure um their front role is like fucking who's the crazy cotter cotter you know what i mean like and jordan mcclain probably had his best year yeah you know talmololo had his best year so they all had best years last year you know so like and they're all northern gentlemen but it's hard to replicate that right it's hard to get that shit again so they'll be thinking fuck was that close yeah hopefully not hopefully that that'll drive them over the edge sharks finish second bang bang out yeah that might drive them over the edge on the sharkies is it true that 2023 has been the year they've circled in the calendar for ages that they've been working towards 2023 someone was telling me that 2023 is the year the sharks have looked at from the last three or four years is their development stuff like that yeah in terms of bringing all those guys across as well yeah fitsy bringing nico last year that's impressive man i think he's only gonna get better yeah i think um rosters are obviously important i'm a big believer in coaches like from my time in the game yeah building cultures and if you look back at what the sharks are trying to build and what the cowboys are building up there in north queensland reminds me a bit a bit like penrith about two or three years ago townsville yeah there are one team town up there in townsville all the reports out of townsville is that toddy patons a gun he's not only uh you know he looks like you know what he looks like he looks like an eastern european warlord just sitting there chewing gum especially back in the day with his skin white ties that he used to have on too coming through the shorts i'm a front row in a band yeah i'm a half back in a front row he was the og ball playing he was front rower he changed the game but yeah i think they're building something special up there in townsville in particular are they in your pick what's your grandpa i've got cowboys and roosters roosters okay because i'm everything i'm hearing from you wendell that they've circled off this year in crinola i'm hearing from the rabbit eyes this they're also talking about this being the year oh i reckon to what mace is saying not necessarily penrith aren't the favorites everyone gives themselves a chance because kick out and up here bigger losses than what maybe fans realize but players within the game look at them and go oh shit we never used to run at the left edge because kick out was there i was just going to bash him if they got a quick play the ball close to the line you had so much to worry about cleary lui uppy would do something to you around the rock so now all the teams that have just been off the pace a little bit whether it's the cowboys the roosters the rabbit eyes mitch kenny now and now now those players are starting to look around and going penrith are beatable yeah and i reckon this is probably the closest it's been in in maybe three or four years they're just not invincible anymore because before that it was the roosters wasn't there so yeah but how do you fuck with the fisher harris leota appy miseo liam martin kick out ford pack they will fucking bash you however you want it i was looking at that and i'm like they're all like top three in their position yeah at that at that time i'm like you take two of the best of them out of that pack it'll bring them back down it'll bring them back a little bit of still their culture is still great in the way they play they're gonna have so much more on us on yo and and cleary and lui all their really key players but to lose that nine i've got a good male from our coach so he's the fucking king he's the general of that team happy you know what i mean and kick out was like easily the best back roll for three years in the world willie tell me this can you hear the drums of war beating in belmore i can just slowly it's going to happen he's trying to play play it down he's trying every time we talk about the dogs he tries to keep the dogs down because he wants to sneak up on everyone i just yeah i mean they've they've trained hard they've gone back to that but at a measured way yeah it's not the old school shit that we got your seeds there's not sports sign no no sports science one trainer just flogging the hell out here it's all calculated very methodical which is great they're not redlining redlining it's like very smart training travis tummo has been a great boy he was the snc and high performance coach for the roosters for like since 2008 all the way to to 2020 so he's he knows what he's doing there cam serrato was impressive as as any coach that i've seen you know so he got a really good really good staff there but the players are really bored in took a while it's a trust thing you trust the staff staff needs to trust the players something like about six or eight weeks they were just like you know give and take give and take two steps forward three back all that sort of shit you know now it's like you know everyone seems to be on the same page we know where we're heading we know where we're heading you know what i mean it's it's it's just up to the players it's a performance-based sport right you can have all the shit going off the field you can be the best club all the sponsors they're all jumping on board because they see the same shit that people feel that i'm feeling you know because they're they're trending up so you know that with the bulldogs the drums the drums start fucking beating real loud you start you know last year no one was watching training no fucking they got like 500 kids in the stands yeah you know what i mean things like that you can feel something changing but as i said it could go out the window this saturday if we don't do the business against manly it's going to be a fucking hard game round one i can't pick anything you can't pick that you can't go definitively you're going to go over to manly in brook on brookvale on a sad day and pump them it ain't that sort of league and it's you know what i mean like and i take fucking trial form out get lost i do not give a shit because you're at about 85 just get through this fucking game get me to round one that's you don't care you're blowing your acl round one but you do want a fucking trial game so you're going to get everybody everyone all in you know what i mean especially for the bulldogs and manly as well they child great manly they'll be happy as hell they always do they always do but it's like you know what is who's your halfback who's your fullback who's your nine yeah in the days that we're in now with sports science and everything down to a fine art is there actually a need for trials i know you need trials at a subbies level you know when you're trying to get some fitness up and you're going through the motions talking to a player like me i didn't give a fuck about trials yeah just get me around one for years six or seven years i would have come back january 18th after kangaroo tour three weeks of training fucking one half a game in a trial game which you had sort of had to play it was up to us yeah and then going around one and fucking kill everyone it wasn't a big deal from what i think my level was important conversation is you've got other players who probably never like even trial in a first grade game in their whole career so it's going to be a career highlight for these kids so i can see some of those kids at the bulldogs you're probably never going to play first grade it's probably going to be your highlight is your trial against sharks you'll be sitting in the pub in 30 years exactly because you probably know that you're not going to make that step so it is in in that sort of way you know these young kids who play in reserve grade and everything like that they need that sort of you know what you deserve to play a troll all that kind of stuff and then the second trial against the sharks was like fucking it was a first grade game for about 30 minutes it was nrl level because everyone started their starters brought them all off all that kind of stuff but it's big for that kid who's like number 24 25 on the list you know because he's got a fucking he's been impressing at training and there's a lot of kids like that they're not in the starting side but they're like 19 20 21 22 they fucking can't wait yeah and that's the only time they're really going to impress because they're going to go back down to reserve grade this week and then they'll get that confidence of going back and going fuck i'm fucking that close you know i need to get into 17 so it's it's important from that point it's not important from vets yeah you know like they can just probably play in 20 minutes or whatever like it's up to those guys how much they want to play i want to talk to you guys scope you're still very much you're not an old head yet you know what i mean you're not an og yet you can still touch and feel your playing days and you're still very much i imagine in the mindset of backing the young blokes right will you're a bit different now you're adjacent to a club at least i see you down there with your kid on it belmore on instagram and and the like but you also actually doing something you're in the position where you can where you can wax lyrical you know what i mean i think you're still scope you'd still be quite sympathetic to the young man i think will you're allowed to tell them to pull their heads in yeah and how do you do that when they are acting a goose especially coming from willie mason it would sound a lot like do as i say not as i did well that's what it is do you know what i mean like i can understand and i can sympathize and i can relate to most players who are doing some yeah some funny shit like because you wanted it like everyone's like oh there's no characters in the game and all sort of shit like there are they're just like really suppressed yeah you know like guys like fox and they're great guys they have around the club kick out and pangolin all these sort of blokes i can only try and get at you if you're fucking up off the field i'm like i'll know what you're doing yeah without you knowing you know what i mean i've been around the game for a fair while you know what i mean so i know what's going on and like i'm not one of these old players who's like not in touch with fucking anything that's going on in the world very in touch with a lot of things and especially with rugby league like oh he was doing this this and this i'm like you'd rather me come to you and go hey stop whatever you're doing because it might get to the coach you might get somewhere else where it becomes a problem yeah so i'm that sort of i want to be that sort of stop gap in between players and coaches where i'm like and i can still coach you as well and be your mate and all that kind of shit you know what i mean but they respect me as a person as a player and all that kind of stuff but i care about the players i honestly do i like true hardly just go out there i want to look after these players because i don't want to see them i said look don't fuck up because you want to be like this you know bad boy all this sort of shit just learn from all our mistakes yeah the blueprint said you want to fuck up you're out of the game do you know what i mean like there's like there's there's ways if you want to do xyz that's where you'll end up yeah unless you've got a fucking greg english sort of talent yeah which i don't see you know what i mean so i'm i'm pretty like passionate on how i mince all these kids i don't sit there and go fucking bang i'm a fucking angel yeah no i own what i do i was never an idiot you know what i mean like i used to just things are just fun yeah life was fun football was fun it wasn't as crazy as it is now social media wasn't there you know there's a lot of shit that could just like you could be out having a beer on a monday or tuesday and i don't give a fuck yeah now people care even if you're in a pub they're like they care if you're in a pub if you're a bulldogs player i mean penrith player it's like amplified by thousands i mean it's hard not to judge i was i was i was out under the bridge and on the howard smith wars in brisbane december and i saw the bronx after they'd finished pre-season and you're like what are you doing oh well they gave me plenty of reason to ask that but i actually thought of the dogs at war when i watched these boys ripping in i was like jesus christ okay you guys are partying like you just won a premiership yeah and that's the thing so people don't understand with with off season they do that six weeks before before christmas and it's like most of these guys won't drink because i used to talk to the younger players do you guys have a beer and everything like no no no that's what gets them and i'm like why but i'm like why and they're like i said are you scared of not performing in the next day they're like yeah i'm like fucking pussies we used to pride ourselves on that we like 10 or 15 players going out having a beer on a monday tuesday coming fucking rip it to shreds wouldn't get but it's a different mindset right and i'm not saying you guys need a beer in this and that but like sometimes a team to break the ice and to get people like talking to each other because the kids are quiet so it is very quiet i would have caught them on the one night you would have caught them on the one night and your judgment would have been fuck you if you're a brisbane fan if you're a brisbane fan but if you're a brisbane fan you're like why are you doing this you guys fucked up last year you get real passionate because you're fucking in you're emotionally invested in it you know but these kids are working so hard they're training like three or four times a day five times a week they'll probably get one time and these kids do not go out so you would have saw them on that last day Christmas mid-December around Christmas yeah that's their fucking team drink that they deserve yeah but it's like maybe these days you probably can't even fucking have it yeah in open like where people can see because the look and the image of the game we don't they don't want that because you get people like and i'm like i get it i'm like fuck the game's putting it's worth billions of dollars you know one fuck up millions of dollars worth of revenue and conscious and sponsors and that like if you if you fuck up do anything wrong you speak to somebody wrong touch somebody wrong you know what i mean it's fucking ridiculous now so i can see it from the other side yeah because i'm like i'm but you ain't way less to do like these kids have got video games no no we didn't have that much more to do yeah we didn't have snapchat instagram all this sort of shit where like they get that real dopamine hit they all want to be liked and all to impress everyone we're like i don't give a shit and i never did anyway so i'm still like this now i don't really give a fuck about like people liking me or this and that as long as my teammates my friends and all that sort of like me love me for who i am but they just want these manufactured bullshit likes yeah they're all on it's it's weird it's a weird it's a weird sort of place in society right now especially as a rugby league player because you've got to be this fucking savage young kid you'd have a mentality like i had back in the fucking early 2000s but put it into today's young kid head it's not a fucking good thing but you need to somehow put it in a little bit because it's rugby league and nrl it's the toughest game in the world yeah so you can't have this like mentality i'm really worried about what this guy thinks or fucking joe blow on social media you can't you've got to block all that sort of shit and you were able to do that because you weren't looking at it all never yeah i wouldn't even know what a forum was renee renee matui used to fucking look at forums all the time oh look at this like bulldog's kennel they've still got their fucking thing oh look at the kennel said about give a fuck about what the kennel said i care about what folks he said yeah yeah that's all that would matter to me love you kennel yeah fuck shout out to the kennel love you love you kennel yeah but like that's it's a different mentality so if you can like in if you can look at you probably read david goldwyn's and all that yeah it's like if you can have that sort of mindset you put that in a modern day rugby league play who's 20 years old yeah but still like toe the line and be a good human everyone you'll fucking dominate this game yeah there is no one's gonna fuck if you've got resilience and all this sort of shit and a hard like mindset it's a mindset because some of these young kids they get dropped fucking all whole worlds over yeah yeah oh my god never been dropped my whole life you know you're getting told that you're not good enough because you're a grunts gun schoolboy and you get told by me you need to work on x y and z what this is what you fucking need to work on like this is what you need i'm trying to help your game yeah it's like you're trying to take a shot at him yeah yeah no no mate like it's like if a coach come up to me and said mace i need you to work this yeah okay here no worries i need to yeah why is he why would he pick a floor out that wasn't there yeah i'm not trying to pick on you kid trying to help your fucking game well or you would have seen this so tell me the first time you kind of saw someone who could manage this new world because you were in the middle of it like who was the most impressive when you were playing at being both the role model and also the brand conscious also the fun guy that you wanted to be around as a teammate but also a beast was there much of that or does everyone struggle with it yeah i think everyone struggles to some degree like even people that can't take all those boxes cam Smith probably did it the best yeah cam smith if you look at like legacy leadership how great he was as a player captaincy and he still loved a good time cam smith yeah but same as the Melbourne boys same as Billy all the Melbourne boys because they're in fucking Melbourne that legacy's different i'll fucking swear to god i think the big i think the biggest thing for for anyone and even circling back to the podcast and the reason we are the way we are i think if you're in authentic to yourself so when we talk about stuff on the potty or whatever for instance like as an example for for what the players go through we won't say anything on the potty that we wouldn't say in the locker room yeah and i think if you if these younger players carry that you've got to have that mindset like you know your actions have got to be determined if i fuck up or you do something outside of footy you're gonna be able to go back and look the boys in the eyes a little bit vice here as well how we give it yeah like indirectly advice i'm trying to teach these kids and say some stuff like it's some real shit yeah as i said some we say shit knowing that that problem there could be like we've said stuff about players before and we're like he's probably not going to like that and we've growed it up and put it out and like i say that shit because i know if he sees that he could potentially come back and say something to me but that's how i felt and that's what i'd say if i was in the locker room or in a team meeting for instance so and if you if you're authentic and that and the same thing if you're on the other end and you're a player now with whatever you want to do it's like me to us taking this new avenue if you're authentic and what you're doing obviously there are fuck-ups they're fuck-ups but if you've got a vision or the brand that you're trying to create uh for life after footy or or try to create brand now just be authentic and and own it and then like don't care about the likes don't care about people's tick of approval just if you love it you love it and then at the end of the day if people tend to flock towards that then you might have something well you do have something you do have something it's obviously uh people following you right around you know from football into what you're doing now is that authenticity the key to being a good modern coach as well Wayne Bennett's had it for so long but those guys you spoke about before Craig Fitzgibbon and the Sharks Todd Payton and the Cowboys is that the key to managing basically young kids coming through you can reach straight through one of the coaches and they're full of shit you can tell within six weeks you don't coach anymore you can get to Chrissy and go nah he ain't it let me be like fuck they can have all the players in the world you can have the best roster in the world you just go i've been in a couple looked around i mean i fucking love our squad here but fuck he ain't it like yeah so we sometimes you can find a way and you can win a few games and that's even harder despite it like especially when you're winning games you're going like fuck we're not getting the best possible uh i mean i look at madge or something whatever clubs he's been at after the the rabbit osy cops flack from players but in that 2014 it was working for him yeah it's a perfect storm that that was the perfect storm when they went when they went through sam he had real men he had men in his team then tio yeah exactly lori takiri some guys that were like primed and grown-up grown-ass men where johnny sutton says where he went yeah we got like proper guys and then like but men he goes then he goes to georgia was just a pop back then he goes then he goes to tigers totally different totally different squad kids kids can't teach him you cannot coach them how you coach sam burges and gi and that's what he probably thought he could i could have coached them you know what i mean like it's like you got to be careful with these coaches now if you're not on point just say with your crazy fits givens and todd patons they're all like similar similar ages men ford in their in their mid 40s sort of thing you know so they understand people that's the main thing if you understand people the game isn't that hard it's mentally hard you've got to be fit everything like that the x's and o's everybody has the same sort of moves it's all about executing it's all about getting those players on the same page and like trusting as i said like to it's trust you got to trust the coach you got to trust the process you got to trust what we're doing we're not trying to make you perform bad everybody's under the pump coaches are under the pump players are under the pump it's a high pressure game yeah yeah you know what i mean like the coaches are high pressure it's a high pressure sort of lifestyle yeah yeah see some of these coaches man like they're fucking under the pump every time they lose tramp barrett last year i've seen a bloke under the pump more and he's the most relaxed dude i've ever seen i love baz after games i'm like fuck love you baz um but like after games he's like you just don't know what to do because you're not in control of that 80 minutes you can prepare these kids as much as you can but it starts in the preseason i find that with like most coaches like the crave fits givens he's been in some great systems right you know he's been to some good teams in the 2000s even in the late 90s with st george and then he's been around robbo for like five or six years and he thought you know i could probably go out yeah you know it's got to be the perfect fit jason riles is around there maddie king brett morris you got all these guys he's a real star he scored isn't he old maddie king yeah can you but yeah can you might you might you only venture out if you're ready yeah and it's the perfect it's all you want to start a storm like these younger coaches were around about my age we're like we're in like we know what's going on like you know what i mean like i'm next to serrata i'm there every day i understand but it's my first year i've actually been there do i like it do i love it do i want to be a coach do i want this stress do i like yeah i do i don't mind i like it well you love the fact that i like because yeah exactly see i like the position i'm in now because i'm not as wayne bayne bennett always used to say after the games like have a look at the assistant coaches they're all fucking having a beer having a good time guess who's got to fucking do the first guess who's got to do the press conference and cop all the shit because you guys fucked up yeah me yeah old assistant coach over there sinking pierce having a good old laugh waiting for you to sink for you to sink so he can get your fucking job and like and that's and i'm not saying every assistant coaches like that but there's no pressure on the on the assistants the big dogs getting it all the head coach so tell me like the the game has changed so much since the very early days that you were entering the system will you might have been one of in plenty of squads you might have been one of the only tongan lads you know what i mean five percent five percent you know it's it's changed so much in multiculturalism is a big part of coaching too wayne bennett seems to have had this magic touch all these years he's got kids from every corner of the planet or different kind of suburbs or communities what was it like you would have seen one of the first uh i guess clubs where it was so important because i mean that dogs of war was a league of nations you know yeah you had blokes there who wouldn't drink you know yeah blokes there hasn't practicing muslims what did you see in in that club because the club was you know it was a while you also had this respect and consideration for culture and everything like that it's always been that cultural club yeah and it's always been the family club yeah you know they've obviously lost touch of that in the last sort of six or seven years it's really coming back we had a cultural day andrew ryan ran it it was one of the funnest things i've ever seen in my whole life you know like from the indigenous to the mauris to um all islands cook islands fiji samoa tonga lebanese everybody was involved the drums were playing everybody there's a smoke ceremony like that's how important culture is to the club and i think in the whole nr as i said as you said before like five percent was indigenous and um pollination in 2000 it's 55 now and that's in nrl you go back down you go down to the younger age harold matt's sg ball you're talking 70 so if you're not in touch with cultural sort of systems now cultural people and you don't have people around there that are you're gonna fail in coaching yeah because these kids are from it like i'm half tongan you know what i mean half australian i understand the culture and how important it is to the players and if you don't understand that as a coach you're gonna fail and if you don't really embrace it you're gonna fail because as i said they've got a lot of power in the clubs it's not just Australian dominated and all that kind of stuff it's like it's very multicultural whether it be mauris islanders indigenous lebanese all that kind of stuff the minority is australian yeah and you've got well you've also got these all these different kids have grown up with different disciplines and different kind of you know different community i remember i remember reading that in actually the olson filipana book how much he copped it because he had all these cultural differences when he came over and these coaches were running it like a fucking boot camp yeah you know don't look at me when i'm yelling at you people don't understand i just say with indigenous i just say if you're a coach and you're yelling at indigenous or pollination players and they don't look at you in the eyes yeah because it's disrespectful if you understand the cultural like the cultural difference there indigenous people don't look you in the eyes this is rude and it's disrespectful so they'll look at the ground pollination will look at the ground because if you look in the eyes it's fucking confrontational shit yeah you know what i mean so if you understand all these things that go with with indigenous with uh with pollination players you'll get along with people a lot better you'll get the best out of your best and that's why wayne bennett and then wayne bennett has a whole different vibe he actually cares about you cares about your culture cares about your mom your dad your brothers your sisters everything like they're the questions that i get asked before i even get taught to talk about footy with wayne how's your mom yeah yeah how's your brother all these sort of and genuine does he does he keep in touch yeah we always do he got me he got me into coaching yeah like he's like you need to get that you guys there's a spot there for you in this game because you can't have this much i can knowledge in your head and love players so much and care about the game to sit back and go yeah i'll just not put into the game give back into the game i said i'll just wait until it's the perfect sort of storm and i always gravitated back towards the game whether it be coaching mentoring stuff like that and it sort of it worked because i know that i can put back in a lot and make a difference at any club but main but it's perfect being back at the bulldozer gus back there different ceo different board everything like it's all it's perfect fit bobcat ogres back there big jammer grimes back there like it's just it's good shifty royale satasi all these guys they just feel familiar sunny bill coming back that's a really big that's a really big thing because these kids grow up for him to come back to that club with the circumstances and even the way that i left the way that sunny left you think that you'd never set foot back in those doors again and i thought that for years years and sunny would have been thinking the same thing i don't fucking feel welcome oh you know what i mean like then having me back there and ogre back there and all these guys he feels welcome yeah zero as a coach gus there come back come back you know what i mean like and you feel like you belong there and it's a fucking big thing for us you know like and to anybody it's always good to feel that you want it and you belong somewhere because along your whole career like you i've played it a lot of clubs everything but it's the only club that i feel home at yeah you know i was there from 17 to 28 it's a long it's a fucking realize i grew up there like i grew up there left the toronto west come down as a seven oh toronto west shout out toronto west love ya um come from there and i grew up in the bulldog system and i come through that system and then played my at my peak in that system so it's like and was successful in that system and that's the only system that i really know and always reflect back to and if you talk to a sunny bill side the most fucking fun i had he doesn't swear anymore the most fun i had he doesn't swear so trust me is he's been back at the bulldogs in 2003 4 5 6 7 that's the most fun this is a guy who's played the roosters the all blacks all over the south of france everything he always reflects back to those days at the dogs that where we were and it was the most fun shit and i can say that now it was the most funnest time in my life as well and we all have gravitated back towards this this club well we want to make a great new scope what would be the club that you feel you're like the most kind of uh i love manly yeah manly yeah because it's it relates back to winning as well you know like he won a gf i was lucky enough to get there but i'd come from when i arrived they'd really won a couple comps so they're just winners you know like i was talking about the coaching thing before like twos is a great fellow it's a bit like sort of what's going on we always revert back to this on our potty like it's a bit what's going on with kevin walders at the bronx yeah really good fella might not technically be the best coach but had a really good call there had a good group of older boys that sort of just taught you how to win and then taught you how to have fun off the field as well so the red leather couch when you win it on and off the field the red leather red leather there you go oh you've been a red leather man cred that's man cred shout out to the snake shout out snakey the prince um some good times at red lead some good flashbacks right then yeah fuck i messaged you one time too because doing the potty because snakey they're from the old school those boys as well like the stuart brothers and even chocky they don't do too many potties and i go look a few yarns here and there yeah i'd love to get them on i play because i played with obviously um glenn and brett and then me and glenn become pretty close over time at catalina's in 2016 you know you only hang out with you know the five or six aussies and in france you don't really have an opportunity to which is good because you become really close with the boys even though i played with uh glenn a couple of years but yeah shout out to the red lead that's what i'm telling you like winning on and off the field it was it was great times that you boys you and rena used to say it was the siege mentality in the dogs it was the win you know it was hard work hard fucking win it was like the system i come through you work hard play hard train hard everything at its maximum you're redlining everything what did they do for you it was there it was there some sort of i just want to talk because i look at that as a real there's a before and after manly have the same thing but with that 2004 season there's a before and after in rugby league the before was a bunch of slobs who never got haircuts that's this is nrl wide right you guys come through there's this sexy thing going on sunny bill and renny yeah yeah come michael my pioneer i think that sbw and i'm telling you like before games like those two like it'd be like i didn't i had an afro so i didn't really give a shit and even and there wasn't barbers back then where they could give me a fade or anything so i just like rock this real shit hair if it wasn't an afro but those guys had like sort of straight hair where you could like like you could do that whatever they had going was a sort of mohawk malady sort of thing like was it round one against parry you played play broke it out i remember i went fucking that weekend and went give me whatever sunny bill and randy i want to get that mohawk didn't look anything like him yeah sbw was like he's he changed a lot of things yeah yeah that one sort of game where everyone was sort of hyping up sunny we all knew sbw was coming through the ranks but then like the hype was real yeah it wasn't a joke i saw him playing in pre-seasons and stuff like we used to go at it at each other you know what i mean like he was an 18 year old kid i was only like 23 24 but like we used to go at it like the sessions were crazy and then it just sort of solidified everything when we play against paramat around one and just fucking puts on that it's ridiculous you know what i mean like he was playing right side center the kid wasn't a center he was a back rower but uh like what did they do for you in in belmore in banks like did they did you hear like drums for a week when you fucking brought that home or yeah that was crazy man no even trying to get to like drive into belmore because we caught the bus from belmore grand final day to try and like get off of kingsgrove road it was packed all the way from belmore all the way down up belmore road and you couldn't go they had to like i'd beep and fucking move out of the way i've got to get to the bus and everyone had that problem then they like it's like the red sea just all parted and then the drums were playing everything this is like three o'clock in the arbor this is not this is not late compared to after the game and then back at belmore and how ridiculous it was like i got lifted off the bus all the way into the lease up everyone did it was packed we had a double decker bus we would have some crazy shit on that bus it was mental and we're on top of that and ren was there sunny like we had just the maddest crew and it was just we didn't care because like we didn't care if we're going to get the lease up or not didn't matter we had bottles of champagne we had everything sorted we're like take your time but it was uh it was another level like i can still remember that shit now like it was yesterday they just went mad like in the whole there's like ten twenty thousand in the lease up yeah crazy man so i'm saying like when that team these players don't understand that like this is the bulldog supporters have been hiding in a cave yeah they've fucking got their little flag out a little bit but they're not showing it not like para not like penrith they're all fucking in the open those blokes we've been hiding them i'm like you fucking win five games in a row she's all over they come real fucking they are waiting the drums as i said you said the drums are just really just real slow real fucking light and once it starts going i said you fuckers don't know you can hear it in the ring yeah it is it's like let's just hear it in the background see you win some fucking games you boys and if we like at the end of the year or just saying like i said they'll be out it'll be if i can we average like 34 000 for like our average from 2004 10 6 7 like no two three four five six seven thirty four thousand you know what i mean that's not like packing out fucking bankwest every game yeah yeah that was like no it only sucked because we're at home bush it looked like fucking no one was there but it was like 34 000 then we'll get a good game be like 50 against the roosters and shit so like they're there they just they haven't got the balls to show their face and they're fucking starting to show up at training now all off one trial yeah you know what i mean like they hear the news of ciro's coming like i tell these players you don't understand these fans are the most fucking craziest best fans to have in the whole of sports in show it's fucking mental they're just they're just different yeah but parrott and bulldogs are killing it south to another important club and the bulldogs need to be going good for the nrel to go good you know you need a couple of those big dog teams to be going foundation penrith and parrott are doing their job aren't they like crinola's doing their job you know like no one really cares like st george is always in george he's got a good supporter base no no one outside of sydney and a lot of people know where st george is no no one gives a shit but the dogs everyone fucking knows about us the history it's 1935 this club was it won like eight premierships it's a fucking story club it's a blue chip club you're not supposed to come last you're not supposed to be in the bottom four for more than a fucking year or two you know what i mean unless you get your points taken off in 2002 we weren't even over the cap god yeah only six mil get over it anyway it's a great it's been great to hear all this analysis guys and i look forward to much more of it with the levels podcast levels network we'll put it in the show notes we'll put it on ig tune in these guys everything you heard today these guys can go tenfold on that each episode so uh all the best boys thanks for having us thanks guys thanks guys thank you cheers |
TheOnion | How_To_Survive_Being_Shot_Point_Blank_In_The_Chest_Dr_Good_Ep_7_ | Is there a man in your life who would like to dents in his penis? If so, we'd like to hear from you. Send a notarized readout of the specific gravity of his penis and a stool sample.
It's 730 North Franklin Street, 7th floor, Chicago, Illinois 60654.
So today we're going to show you some quick and easy health tips to help you survive being shot point blank in the chest. Now Dr. Lisa, a bullet blasting towards your heart from a few inches away doesn't have to be a death sentence.
No, it doesn't.
The first thing you can do is carry a shield with you everywhere. To the gym, to the grocery store, to the set of your successful daytime talk show Never Leave the House Without Your Shield. I prefer iron or steel, but you can also use tightly bound planks of linden wood. Wood is less reliable against bullets, but much easier on the back, which is helpful for pregnant or large breasted women. Carrying them not only protects you from the bullets, but also strengthens your muscles and does wonders for cardiovascular health. Exactly. It's important you can hold onto your shield firmly during a gun attack. That's why you want to switch your arms a few times during the day so you're not tired when being shot at. What I'm seeing a lot of now is people utilizing two smaller Viking style shields, one for defense and the other for attacking. That sounds fun. There's also some great chainmail and plate armor you can wear to balance your body's weight and work other arm and shoulder muscles.
A shield is all the health insurance you'll ever need, so throw out that expensive family plan you barely use and replace it with useful iron shields for all your loved ones. And of course, don't forget to insure your shield. An uninsured shield is practically worthless.
That goes without saying.
Dr. Lisa, I noticed you have a nice picture of a raven on your shield, which brings me to another important point. Starting off bullets can be fun, so express yourself using your shield. Put something fun on it, like a family crest. People are more likely to carry shields if they feel confident about them. Be proud of your shield, everyone. Whenever you pick up your shield, you should be saying to yourself, this is me, this is my shield, I am my shield. Get creative. Screen print a photo of your grandkids or your favorite band. Dr. Nagume, what do you have on your shield?
Oh my. That's beautiful. Bravo. Thank you.
Does anyone else have a shield in the audience today? There are some solid looking shields out there. I could fire a gun indiscriminately into this audience and I don't know if I'd hit more than two or three people. That's how many good looking shields are out there. Okay. We've talked shields long enough. Dr. Lisa, let's put that shield of yours to the test. This is my personal gun. Let's see what happens when it tries to penetrate through that shield. This is the proper position to defend yourself against the blast. Here goes.
The ricochet of a bullet sends out a deafening ring many times more powerful than the strongest church bell. I may go deaf, but I'll still have my life. If you take your health seriously, you have to have a shield.
Put them up! Yeah! Lift them up! Yes! All right. When we come back, stick around because we're going to show you how to make a delicious pre-sex torta. Yeah! Put it up there.
I see you. I see you there. Woo! |
cracked | how_selfies_are_destroying_journalism | Hello, citizen journalists! You can all start calling yourselves that because you, whether you like it or not, are a news source now. More than one-third of Americans get their news from Facebook alone, which means that until one of their friends, that's you, shares the story, that might as well not exist for 80 million people.
So what does this mean for the news industry as a whole? Well, bad news. And then kind of good news. And then really, really awful news. Kind of like a news sandwich, except one end is the heel of the loaf because you just ran out of bread and it's on fire. Here's me with more on that story.
It's no secret that we don't read newspapers anymore. Tribune's, Post's, Harold's, they've all gone out of business and folded like, well, like newspapers. But we've also stopped watching news on television in the last few years, which means that outlets are clean out of ideas for how to make any money off of you.
But good riddance, right? Let that dinosaur go extinct.
News shouldn't belong to anyone. As long as we've got Reddit and Twitter to aggregate stories from Gawker and Daily Mail and HuffPo, then what's the problem? I mean, of course, there's the minor issue of those stories having to originate somewhere. And the fact that old media was doing the heavy lifting of fact checking, conducting interviews, making sure stories weren't utter bullshit. But come on, that bottleneck, right? Some of the best news we get is made up news.
Remember that woman who had sex with a dolphin?
That's awesome. My point is who needs a sewage treatment center and we all enjoy a little in our streams. Besides, the truth eventually makes it to the surface and no one gets hurt along the way, theoretically. But here's the good news.
Everyday people, when they start turning into journalists, they actually started turning into journalists. Think of the last time you heard about a massive storm or a riot or a meteor and there wasn't accompanying video footage. There are a hell of a lot more of us than there are of old world field reporters, so no matter what happens, we've got a makeshift photo journalist on the scene immediately. In fact, even actual news has started relying on everyday people to send in their grainy footage in the wake of a major event. See, we don't need corroboration from multiple witnesses when there's photographic and first-hand evidence of just about everything that happens. The Ukrainian revolution, the Japanese tsunami, Ferguson are all testaments to people having the presence of mind to bravely sacrifice experience for posterity. Each time you film or photograph a major event with your phone, you are stepping outside of history to be a witness, saying, this moment doesn't belong to me, my emotions don't matter, I have an obligation to share this with the world.
And that's such a selfless and incredibly brave thing to do. I'm proud of everyone who steps up.
Oh, see, you fucked it. You fucked it all up. For about five minutes in history, we were on course to courageously advance the world of journalism, and then you slid your stupid face in front of the moment and just ruined everything.
Couldn't just help somehow making it about you. And yes, I'm completely aware that I'm doing this as a video instead of an article. So what? Follow me on Twitter. Now here's the really, really awful on fire news. These instances of regular people injecting themselves into important events with selfies are a pretty good metaphor for what we all secretly want in our news now. More us. Objectively, news can't hold our attention anymore. We need to know how and why it affects us specifically, or we just can't bring ourselves to care. Don't agree? Go scroll through your news feed. See which stories you recently shared or discussed on social media. I'm betting that each one advances a cause that you personally believe in. That mass school shooting, that police brutality, that measles outbreak only matters when we can use it as a weapon to some bigger argument. We all do it.
That's fine, or at least it would be if 80 million people weren't getting their news directly from us and we weren't getting it from them. See, we aren't journalists. And we never will be journalists, citizen or otherwise, because we can't separate ourselves from the actual events.
Instead, we figure out a way to bend tragedies to our own gains. If a female cop shoots a black man, everyone will run to their camps and figure out how to make this story proof of our own point, whether that's gun control or evil cops or the dangers of feminism. The actual story only sort of matters. It's what you can do with it that counts.
Those people taking selfies during major moments weren't saying, look at what's happening. They were saying, look at what's happening to me.
If we can't make a story fit our personal agenda, we bury it so no one else sees it. And in that respect, our brave new citizen journalism is essentially just Fox News with less attractive people. Maybe for the most part. Some of you are like human interest story hot, which is pretty good still.
They don't just let anyone go to the zoo and cover those baby gorillas.
Hey, everyone. Thanks for watching. If you agree with me or even if you don't agree with me and you want to tell me how much you hate me, go ahead and do it in the comments. I may not read them, but there's a chance that as I'm watching my video of myself, I'll accidentally bump my mouse and it will just scroll down and I'll see all of these hateful things said about me, which is fine. I've got a lot of good things going on, so I'm not. |
cracked | why_sauron_is_secretly_the_good_guy_in_lord_of_the_rings_after_hours | But what does it do? It changes size whenever it wants and corrupts anyone who touches it. No, we're not talking about Michael's penis all night again. No, the one ring from Lord of the Rings.
Obviously, I was being hilarious. I actually was talking about that.
I watched 20 hours of a movie, okay, and I still don't get why people are lording over this ring. And yeah, invisibility is great and all, but this is a world where there are like wizards and lava monsters and Stephen Colbert. In that world, invisibility power should be like a fancy iPhone case, not like a central global conflict.
Is this what we're going to talk about tonight? Things that Katie still doesn't understand yet?
Because I have a job. Like in my life, I have a job to go to. I can't live here now.
Invisibility is corrupting by its very nature. In the Silmarillion, they tell you right off the bat. The short answer is that the one ring controls a bunch of other rings. The black cloak horsey guys used to be nine human kings. Now their magic rings enslave them to Sauron. Okay, so that is why the ring is so evil. He's bad for kings. Then why does every power-hungry jerk want a piece of it? The ring is evil because it's got a hunk of Sauron's soul in it. Maybe it isn't that Sauron's evil. Maybe the ring is evil.
Why? Did we just find the thing that we're going to talk about tonight? No, no, no, no. That's a false premise.
Only does Sauron have a volcano lair and a dehumanizing faceless helmet. He also betrays the mire to join Melkor, later called Morgoth. He's every single bad guy trope wrapped up in one. He's Glovel, plus a stormtrooper, plus Judas. Betrayed who to the what now? He's dipping into the Silmarillion. He does this sometimes.
I'm sorry. Lord of the Rings is very important in my family. Does that count? Judges? Overruled. Think about it.
We don't see Sauron be evil. We're just told he's evil. By his enemies. Sauron needs only this ring to cover all the lands in a sickened darkness. At the beginning of the whole trilogy, the good guys are winning and hard. That's why Lord Spikeyhat has to come out and do battle in the first place. He's his team's last hope.
And think about who gives that opening narration. Some crazy old forest hermit. They're not the most reliable sources of oral history. I learned that the hard way.
And Spikeyhat's own metal pants does seem to be leading a ragtag group of levelable misfits. Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys. Now all the human armor looks like it's individually tailored, like somebody's dad owned the armor store. The camp trust fund. Attack. Sauron is an underdog who's bringing together and impoverished people to fight for freedom against oppressive foreign forces.
So is Hitler. Too soon. It was 70 years ago. Too soon for an argument. You don't bring out Hitler this early. You save Hitler till the third act break.
Okay, well the point I was quite aptly making is that just because you're the underdog doesn't automatically make you good. We're still talking about cave monsters sacking an otherwise bustling and peaceful metropolis. Oh, you're talking about Pocoyo Penis Towers, bird?
It's Gundor. You know it's Gundor. Seems to me that the orcs just want to slice some middle-earth pie. I mean, every shot in that movie looks like it should say, paid for by the tourism board of New Zealand somewhere, except for Mordor. Rounding McShield fight man calls Mordor.
A barren wasteland riddled with fire and ash and dust. Can you blame any sentient creature for not wanting to live there? I don't want to live there. Michael's probably the only one who wants to live there. They have excellent schools. And I think it looks like that because the orcs treat their surroundings badly. It's like a proto-Captain Planet thing where the environment reflects the shittiness of your soul inside. Oh, what a communion world view! Anyone who lives somewhere terrible must deserve it, right?
Admit it, the orcs are a subjugated class, the lowest race, they're never going to get a chance at the middle-earth dream. Are you really going to play the fictional fantasy race card? Hey, I'll call someone who likes that season. But to be honest, race isn't the biggest problem in the middle-earth.
It's immortality. Mortality prevents progress.
How so? Dan, I want you to do me a favor and conceive of a world where Thomas Jefferson is still alive. Okay! Oh my god, she's right! Thomas Jefferson was great, but he also thought that a woman's responsibility was to make sure her sexy body odor didn't distract men from their jobs.
And the slaves. And the slaves, obviously. I mean, the slaves.
Imagine TJ still in power and alive and with an ancient rudge against England. Do you think America would have helped out in World War II if TJ was president? Probably not, I bet.
Next stop, Hitlerville. You just said it. Now is the appropriate time. The point is, he was forward-thinking and awesome in the 18th century. But he is a racist cartoon villain by today's standards.
And that's what the elves are in The Lord of the Rings, a bunch of immortals just with these entrenched views, running around, having slaves and waging wars and using outdated slang and then sailing off into heaven and man, these movies are weird. In a way, Mordor is actually the most equitable country in Middler. The elves all live in these secluded forest kingdoms. Humans are wary of other races and barely get along themselves. But the orcs, when the orcs march into battle, they do it as a big multi-ethnic team. I mean, Legolas and Gimli take three full movies to become friends, but the orcs and the men from the east gel right away without even having to engage in an extreme sports-style murder competition. You know, I bet in Mordor, they have gay rights and universal health care, too? Well, what would Sauron care? He's just the eye. Mordor is a rich multicultural stew with a large base of working poor. No wonder the elves and Sauron hate it so much. No, hating orcs is not a one-to-one parallel to real-world racism. The Silmarillion also tells us that orcs are essentially just elvish POWs captured by Melkor, later called Morgoth, and then tortured and deformed into insanity. Why would you root for actual Reavers? These are real-world monsters, not some elvish minority.
Wow, that is not something I knew. And it's way worse. That's like if America took her returning veterans with mental problems and just shoved them out to the outskirts of society alone to be forgotten. That made myself sad.
Blues and ground, Sauron, pull it together. Man, if the elves hate the orcs for being torture victims with PTSD, then their culture is way more Nazi-esque than we thought. Sauron does seem pretty peeved that his daughter might enter into a mixed-race marriage. Gotta keep that pure Aryan immortality blood in the family, right? And we haven't even touched on the war crimes yet. Just imagine the orcs as real people with thoughts and feelings, and the whole thing just becomes this homage to sociopathic cruelty on the battlefield.
Why did you do that? You promised to set him free. I freed his wretched head from his miserable shoulders.
And that is the problem with every fantasy universe. They rewind it all the way back to the Middle Ages, and their worldview ends up going with it. Game of Thrones rode out pretty much every non-white character. And then Harry Potter, lavender brown, goes from being black to white in the movie where she finally shags Ron. But Lord of the Rings is the ooh-er example, the seminal modern story that drags us into this fictional white supremacy. We have nothingses. Sauron makes good points. Yeah, this one really got to me. I might have ruined Lord of the Rings forever. Anyone who likes Lord of the Rings is racist now.
Maybe it's escapist because it allows us to escape from having to have empathy for people that are different than us. Yeah, us being white people anyway. So yeah, us, literally the four of us.
Hey, if your parents are actually huge Tolkien nerds though, are you really named after Sauron? Why would they give you the evil name? I got a lot of siblings. I probably just ran out of characters, I think.
Oh my god, is there a Radagast buoy? Walking the earth somewhere? Man, you guys must have been so cool in high school. Ooh, Glorfindel buoy, please take me to prom. Glorfindel passed, actually.
It's not a huge deal, she's a huge bitch. My whole family hated her. She went to in and out of prison for a while. It's her own fault.
Fell in front of a train drunk.
Okay. Oh my god, she's really... Okay. Oh my god, she's really... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Jesus_vs_Perrottet_A_Tone_Deaf_Pub_Goer_Anti_Vaxxers_Stand_Firm_More_October_15 | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Petuta bulletin it is a hell of a week right around Australia Queensland has just announced they'll have a new NRL side moving on 2023 there'll be officially four teams in Queensland and of course New South Wales are opening up so is the ACT that's all good news not so good news down in Melbourne cases are continuing to rip and we'll go easy on you lot. Or Southern Tasmania Clancy there are three days going under. Really? Hobart and Southern. There's our own Andy Dufresne moment where someone who allegedly has this very powerful flu they have absconded from hotel quarantine and are now running around South Hobart as we speak.
That is a worry. But not up to the north of Tasmania.
What a patriot. Burnie and Davenport they're all good.
And on top of that there's some good news in WA they actually got to lock those blokes up who snuck into the grand final ten months I believe they got which is a fair whack. They got three months in prison plus seven suspended.
Okay. Yep. So they'll only be in there for three but fair price to pay for a footy trip isn't it? No they get out on the 28th of December. What a fucking great yarn. How long did you do on that 89 footy trip El you went in for a while didn't you? Yep. 60 days. I did. It's long enough mate.
Folklore. Folklore down the batoon of muttabuttasauruses.
Anyway you're joined by myself Clancy Overall editor of the Batooter Advocate we've got Errol Puck editor at large you've heard from him G'day Errol and of course Wendell you've also heard from.
How are we all? I'm alright.
You know just recovering from last night at the pub you see ever since like you know I've been at a bit of a loose end you know since what happened you know with the misses a while ago so I've just been going down to to the pub just down the road from my house where on Thursday nights they've got the trivia so I go there and if you come first it's like a hundred dollar bar tab and whatnot but if you come last it's a bottle of wine so I deliberately come last and take the bottle of wine into the park. I drink that in the dark in the park and then I go up and I go to sleep.
Yeah quite pleasant. Yeah sounds like a good way to spend your Thursday night. Wendell you alright? You come off your skateboard? Yeah yeah yeah.
No the Rays a scooter I'm still pretty sore from that and obviously that cost me a lot of money with the police and also I'll be taking it easy this weekend. How are you Clancy? Mate I'm going alright I'm ready to go down to the pub myself. So what's up first in the news?
Well we'll get into it as you said big stories coming out of Sydney and Melbourne this week but we are steering a little bit clear of Melbourne we're going to start off down in Sydney and it's a conversation between Jesus Christ and Perotay and Errol you want to read this one for us? Yes a little transcript from that part of the conversation reads fuck me my dad's plan never said anything about 10,000 C words at the Everest. Yes the son of God Mr Jesus Christ has lashed the New South Wales premiere this week Dominic Perotay opened things up down there to much fanfare and excitement and while it was supposedly to be a little bit slow to start off with the premier raised the eyebrows by granting a big exemption that allows 10,000 people to go to the Everest racing day at the Royal Randwick this weekend. Yes it's obviously riled up a lot of the blue haired terrace house residents but it also annoyed Mr Christ as well and he said to Dom and I quote the excerpt from the phone conversation the plan was 5,000 Dominic I mean letting 5,000 people go was already taking the piss but twice that no wonder dad fucking gives it to me about his creations all the time if you keep carrying on like this Dominic you'll end up dragging every grey head socio-economic handbrake in New South Wales into the recycling bin right-clicking and permanently deleting them all together so get it together Dominic those kind of comments must have hurt because we all know and has he's been very open about it Dominic Perotay is a big fan looks up to Jesus Christ and his father so to be kind of clipped you know it'd hurt but he's gone ahead with it anyway that's how much of a libertarian he is I didn't miss their Jesus Christ staying down in the corruption capital and a Sydney fuckwit has asked a financially crippled publican if he's doing any welcome back specials haha yeah a ludicrously tone-deaf commercial real estate agent named Jared Oakley has decided to return to form at a licensed premises over the weekend hitting the pub on freedom day the local Joker and decided to ask the bloke in charge if he was doing any meal deals and any beer of the week specials which went down like a lead balloon as you can imagine with the owner telling the local loudmouth who likes making Corona beard gags that he'll be paying roughly 10 bucks a schooner until the pub's back in the black no happy hour till Christmas he said and getting the fucking pokies yeah get into the VIP section some national news and it's been revealed that anti vaxxers are refusing to believe the statistics that show they make up less than 2% of the population yeah it's not surprising though is it numbers aren't exactly this cohort strong suit this came about after it was revealed that 98% of Canberra received their first dose of the vaccine or in the week we now know that is over 99% something which comes as an uncomfortable and inconvenient truth to this movement who would like to believe they are much larger and stronger minority than they actually are yeah well camera is a bit different case isn't it like lots of people born on the right side of the tracks in Canberra you don't really have a reason to disrupt society or even distrust it so you know fair enough to some people in our mom working-class parts of the nation don't have the same eagerness to get jabbed as our generational public servants yeah that is correct that is correct I mean in Canberra things get done quickly so uh you know even a lot rail only to a couple years down there hmm staying in health policy news and a modern-day Nelson Mandela has fought segregation by abusing a cafe worker for following health guidelines yes it's a touching story about a human rights activist this one it's been a tough few weeks for hospitality and retail employees who have been left to police the government's vaccine passport policies and one hospital worker in the French Quarter copped a fair bit of flak a couple days ago yeah from a woman privileged enough to make not getting the vaccine one of the major issues that defines her identity she decided to accuse her of implementing a policy of segregation invoking the policies of the past in places like Australia America and apartheid South Africa didn't go down too well by the sound of things yeah a little bit rich there sports news and Wayne Bennett has overtaken the Bee Gees as Red Cliffs biggest claim to fame big news out of the South here's corner for the sports world the Dolphins have been announced as the 17th team to join the NRL they haven't officially attached themselves to a particular locality yet but it's believed the Red Cliff area who offered up the venture calling a shotgun yes and with the new Dolphins team having the master coach in charge it means Wayne Bennett is now the biggest thing to come out of Red Cliff since the popular band the Bee Gees set up shop there as kids and lived in the Moreton Bay area for about 18 months now Wayne's contract is three years long which means he will officially be in Red Cliff longer than the Bee Gees ever were it might even mean he gets a bronze statue down on the esplanade all he's got to do is focus on staying alive staying alive well I don't think that he's gonna get a twisted bow like half the Bee Gees did he's got a very healthy diet Wayne so I guess we'll see how he goes exciting times for the Moreton Bay area anyway enjoy your weekend we'll talk to you soon you |
cracked | 4_movies_too_stupid_to_notice_they_ended_in_bloodshed_yboc | Hey there nerds, I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding and we've received a cease and desist from Pepsi, but you're watching your brain on crack. The only show with, sorry, I'm getting a set up for a joke. Hello?
Oh, if I tell you my credit card number, I get a slightly used set of towels? Amazing, no, I'm not worried that this might be a scam. Hollywood has taught me that there's no such thing as consequences for one's actions.
For example, zero and seven. Okay, thank you. Bye-bye, love you.
I did not win the towels, but since we're here, let's talk about movies that straight up ignored the horrific consequences of their supposed happy endings. And yes, I know that's a massage done to your penis. Before they became the universal Facebook shorthand for letting people know that you don't really understand science, history, or politics, minions were just background characters in the 2010 movie Despicable Me, which is about Steve Carell doing every possible accent all at once. You will not cry or sneeze or bar, bar, fuck. The movie centers on a dude named Gru and his attempt to somehow steal the moon, which would also forever eliminate the threat of werewolves. And yet they call him a supervillain for that? That's Hollywood liberalism for you. Calm down now.
Gru's plan is very simple. He steals a shrink ray, he flies to the moon, he shrinks the moon, he grabs the moon. I sit on the toilet with one. Gru's plan works and he brings the tiny moon to earth where it suddenly reverts to its original size and launches back into orbit. Thankfully, the real priceless heist turned out to be the three little girls that Gru adopted along the way. I mean, technically he lied to adopt them, so it was technically kidnapping or a kitten option, which is kind of terrifying, but not nearly as terrifying as the moon getting so close to earth.
The earth spinning on its axis generates centrifugal force, which keeps the water on our planet more or less still. And yes, Dave already took my lunch money, shut up. The moon's gravitational pull disrupts that water, which is how we get tides. But here's the thing about that. According to science, if the moon was located just 20,000 miles from earth instead of the current 384,000, then its gravitational force would be so massive it would cause cataclysmic flooding that would destroy major cities around the world, like London or New York or someplace that actually mattered, like wherever they manufacture Costco hot dogs. Just the tips, just the tips. And the moon at the end of Despicable Me got all unshrunk way, way below the 20,000 miles mark. Yeah, it was for just a few seconds, but that still would have been enough to disturb the ever-loving crap out of the oceans, causing them to retreat inland to escape earth space testicles suddenly ignoring social distancing protocols.
He's now the king of the entire planet.
Amber Heard? The results are still pending as of this recording.
It would be wrong to judge. It's eerily similar to that movie where Jim Carrey uses the power of God to bring earth's heavenly orb closer to the planet and also to enlarge his girlfriend's heavenly orbs and bring them closer to his face, resulting in the untimely deaths of thousands of Japanese people. This would be like that, except way more death and way fewer magically enhanced titties. And if that movie can ignore those consequences, then I can ignore these.
Minority Report takes place in an opposite world future where the police actually prevent murders by giving drugs to children. Here we go again. This causes them to have constant clairvoyant nightmares about real people who are going to get lethal crime in the face. By scanning their dreams, the cops are able to stop every killing within Washington, D.C. The movie explains that the process works so well, planned murder never occurs in the U.S. Capitol. Only occasional spontaneous crimes of passion remain. Hey, here's the other big thing. If it's basically impossible to get murdered in Minority Report's Washington, D.C., then that city logic we must have become a global haven for people trying to not get murdered in the face or otherwise.
I can't touch you. Don't touch him or anything else.
You might think murder isn't the most common concern for most people, but you're not considering people like gangsters, informants, political dissidents, those escaping from stalkers or genius inventors this close to revolutionizing breakfast as we know it. It's just small teas in a bowl with milk. All of those people would naturally flock to a place like D.C. and Minority Report, but that doesn't mean that the killers pursuing them would go, oh, shucks, an obstacle, and I attempt to snuff out all human life?
Guess we'll just give up. Listen, Moose Chief. Not a chance. Oh my God.
There are probably tons of underworld surveillance services keeping tabs on these murder refugees in case they ever leave D.C. The city itself constantly monitor citizens by scanning their eyeballs through cameras located literally everywhere. It wouldn't be too hard to keep track of specific individuals. So guys like Fat Tony, or, you know, whoever, might be safe as long as they stay within the city limits, but chances are that Slightly Fatter Tony always knows exactly where the former is, just waiting for a chance to replace his bone marrow with bullets. And then by the end of the movie, Tom Cruise gives Slightly Fatter Tony exactly that kind of chance. Minority Report ends with Cruise's character helping free the drugged up pre-cog children, and as a general rule, ending the forced drugging and killing of children is a good thing. No one is suggesting that the pre-cog program should have continued, but that doesn't change the fact that not long after the dissolvement of its future crime division, D.C. is going to experience a period that will go down in history as the Red Time, or the Murdergeddon, or just simply that weak and insane number of D.C. residents were brutally killed, many just as collateral damage while buying bananas unaware they were standing next to Fat Tony.
Tightlips, can you see the shooter? I see a lot of things. And here's the other thing.
Even before all that, there are a million other crimes that could still occur without pre-cog knowledge. Everything from rape, to robbery, to human trafficking, to abducting somebody, tying them up in your basement, and slowly removing their fingers one at a time over the course of many months as long as they don't actually die, they're not going to detect it. All those criminals in one place still suggest an explosion of every other type of horrific crime. And then the Deathpocalypse will exacerbate all of those crimes as well with the police desperately trying to prevent a war against every single criminal ever. They will be spread too thin. There will be lots of basement finger ripping, still.
Unless you make the sacrifice that will punch you. Speaking of shit that should be illegal, have you ever Googled image search Sonic the Hedgehog with all the filters disabled? Give me a moment. No consequences, baby. Oh, how would Knuckles fit all of that? I haven't traded for this my entire life.
The 2007 film I Am Legend stars a man who some consider a hero, even as others consider him a complete monster. But in the movie, he plays a scientist trying to cure zombieism.
Uh-oh, David Brown! David Brown just slapped the shit out of me. Keep fucking my white knife!
I'm going to. But no, actually in the original I Am Legend novel and the film's alternate DVD ending, Will Smith's character discovers the zombies he's been experimenting on and killing for years on a post-apocalyptic Earth are actually intelligent and will be the ones who rebuild the world and recreate society now that the humans have been mostly wiped out by mannequins. What the hell are you doing out here, Brad? That's where the title I Am Legend comes from.
At the end, the protagonist realizes that over the years, he's become a legendary boogeyman to Earth's new tenants who used him to scare their kids into flossing the human meat from between their teeth or whatever. But for the theatrical release, that ending was changed to make the film less interesting? There, the mutated humans are snarling cannibalistic beasts for Will Smith to kill without having to actually feel bad about it. Also, they're called dark seekers because the movie is too cowardly to call them what they are, zompires. Kill that zompile! In the end, Smith's Dr. Neville heroically sacrifices himself to kill a bunch of these vambis so that Alice Braga can deliver a zombie cure to the military, implying that humans will eventually reclaim our planet. Only, we definitely won't. The movie's alternative ending is actually the uplifting one, because it at least shows a humanity-adjacent sapient species will live on. In the theatrical ending, though, the world has been messed up more than a hand that's been in a box full of super scorpions. There's no carrying that. The original virus is said to have infected 99% of humanity, killing most, while turning some into these mindless monsters.
Track guys, DJs, and people who won't shut up about scuba diving.
So how exactly are these scattered, vastly outnumbered remnants of humanity supposed to deliver the Z-vax the infected? In the movie, applying the cure looks super complicated, including capturing a live zom-zom vamp-vamp and lowering their temperature. I'm sure the military will try to mass produce the cure somehow and wrangle up zombies to jab them, but for everyone they manage to cure, like 10 people will probably end up bitten in turn. It's gonna be one step forward, 10 steps backward as the human vaxxers slowly back away from all the new zombies they accidentally created trying to cure them all. Because even if we go by the theatrical release ending and accept that the creatures are not as intelligent as humans, they're still smart enough to set up traps and cooperate. If you wanna get the tiniest idea of what the human survivors in the supposedly happy ending can expect, get two to three friends and try to give a troop of wild mountain gorilla shampoo treatments without killing any of them. Not saying it can't be done, but best case scenario, you are not returning with the same number of limbs you originally set out with.
Oh my God! We've seen movies where something temporarily affects large parts of the world like in X-Men 2 when Patrick Stewart gets all up inside people, but in a bad way. Physics. But even the worst case resulted in carnage from Professor X's actions would still be nothing compared to the ending of the 2014 action spy comedy, Kingsman. You like spy movies, Mr. DeVille? Recap, the main villain of Kingsman is Samuel L. Jackson playing a lisping tech bro trying to murder billions of people.
I probably could have just said it with tech bro, the rest is implied. What are you guys making for dinner?
His plan is to cull the human population by broadcasting a global murder signal that will force all of humanity into a battle royale. Only a number of select politicians and rich pricks who share tech bro Jackson's vision would be spared, but instead the hero Eggsy blows all their minds, literally, and saves the day. Only, did he?
The murder signal had more than enough time to do substantial damage. Eggsy's mom barely avoids murdering her infant daughter because her son's friend called ahead and told her to lock the kid in another room. Billions of people around the world did not have that luxury. During the ensuing rampage, parents must have killed their children, spouses slaughtered one another, siblings treated each other's faces like pumpkins on Halloween, and much worse. And then the murder signal was cut, putting them face to horrifically stabbed face with what they've done. Many would not be able to forgive themselves. And even if they could, if you woke up with a stranger holding a knife three inches inside of your leg, what would you do? Probably trying to kill them. Murder signal or not? The killing spree would absolutely unravel the fabric of society because here, the mass deaths aren't the result of some ass-chinned eggplant alien from planet escapism. The murders were perpetrated by the people that you know and love. It was never personal.
There would be suicides, broken families, and a global trauma that honestly might never heal because here's the other problem. The majority of the world leaders are also dead. Disrupting efforts to stop the planetary bleeding would be extra tough with nobody in charge.
And since the murder signal broadcast was only made possible through Jackson's free internet SIM cards, people are going to absolutely mistrust all technology. But hopefully for Canadian Thanksgiving, you get to eat a lot of sweet baby raised barbecue sauce. Not long after Eggsy takes the old dirt road up to Scandinavia, having a smartphone will be as socially acceptable as a swastika dick tattoo. Moblin.
The world would basically regress into a Luddite society where everyone subsides on brutes and, I don't know, roasted hedgehogs. Just be sure to check their asses before you cook them. You never know if you might find something in there.
Yummy, yummy. Well, Grandma, I hope you like this video.
No consequences. |
TheOnion | Romney_s_Terrifying_Google_Search_History_Leaked | War for the White House, on the front lines of election 2012, brought to you by 7-11-7 election. Unbiased, fair, extremely caffeinated, only then. The Romney camp has been silent all morning on what appears to be the candidate's leaked Google search history, which includes searches such as average wife, lifespan, normal way for men to shake hands, and must the president look at people. Our own Jason Copeland is in the 2012 election research bunker attempting to sort things out. Jason, what does this mean for the Romney campaign? We've just got so much information here, months and months of Romney's Google searches. We're working non-stop trying to make sense of all this, and right now it's a little early to draw conclusions about what searches like convincing them you can taste the food or making the man eat garbage can tell us about Mitt Romney. Okay, now Jason, I don't mean to interrupt you, but we are just now getting a statement from the Romney camp, quote, Mitt Romney is concerned with turning this economy around, not whether or not he searched for human teeth parade or standing in the dark room and the baby yells, make the baby sleep once more. Jason, that's not a denial. I mean, it looks as though searches like show me the worst tumor and a pile of hearts high quality did in fact come from Romney. Yeah, it's looking that way right now, Andrea. Sources are confirming this information. Again, we're racing to just make sense of all this, finding patterns. One thing we can say for certain is Romney seems to have an aggressively condescending attitude toward Google.
Nearly 80% of his searches are starting with the phrase I demand. I demand coffee scalding laws state by state. I demand who is the man with no eyes.
Okay, now we have gotten word from the White House press secretary, Jay Carney. They have just released the following statement on behalf of the Obama administration, quote, President Obama is about transparency and is eager to make his own search history available. Just from today, the president Googled good, sturdy shoes, piano music, mostly happy and balancing love, discipline.
Now when we return, I'm sorry to interrupt, I've just been handed some more searches to keep flooding in blood child, blood on a child. Wow, hair Olympics, real thing, question mark, thumbtacks in the leg, tips and tricks. All right, well, stay tuned for more coverage after this. |
dropout | the_way_too_apologetic_bank_robbery | Good. You're all here.
You all remember Janelle, the muscle, everyone knows Julie, the decoy, and Leslie, the purse. And I'm Stephanie, the hacker. It's been five years since we've all been together. Forgetting someone? Sorry, Nicole, the assassin.
Sorry, I don't want to be like this girl. I just thought if I would stand at the end of the table, just forget it. I've got to go at four, so if we could just right keep this going. Global Bank is expecting a huge drop at their downtown vault Thursday afternoon, roughly 10 mil. Sorry, I hate to be that girl that's just like not getting math. 12 mil. Sorry, I hate to be that control freak PTA mom, but I think we'd prefer to do this at the actual location.
Okay, yeah. On the other side of this wall is the vault. Well, Julie enters the bank from the left.
I'm sorry. I'm totally being that overconfident prepubescent teenager. The right. Janelle will swipe the manager's. Oh my god, I'm totally being that person. No, no, no, I'm being super annoying like they get the Treasury the dictionary for fun. I don't want to be Charles Manson telling a group of women what to do, but it's almost not to be that girl that keeps talking about her eye-opening sexual experiences with her ex, but I'll go to the left as Julie distracts.
Not to sound like a past progressive funeral director, but are you sure that's the way you want to go? That's all meet back here Thursday at 1400 hours. I hate to be that woman that thinks her life is hard even though she's on a kweilutz diet, but when is 1400? 2 p.m. We'll meet at the corner of 5th and Western.
Oh, sorry. Not to be that guy who slips it in because he wants a triangle and says it's an accident. That was really an accident.
When we park, Janelle and Julie will exit first with their guns. Nicole will follow through. Leslie and I will follow.
I don't want to be John Wayne Gacy trying to get you to come up in my attic and eat fried chicken, but could you maybe buckle up? I don't know. There's no seat, so there's no seatbelts.
Excuse me, ladies. Not to be that mall cop with unresolved anger issues. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to be that self-righteous, do-gooder who always needs to follow her gut even though it might alienate me from my peers, but you guys drop this on your way out. And honestly, I don't mean to be such a cliche third act coming in with some sort of unexpected twist. I mean, I don't even have a twist. Not to be Ted Bundy at a woman's college, picking off the weakest sorority sister from the bunch, chopping our body up into little pieces, selling her on the black market as salmon to midwestern sushi companies.
But we're in the middle of a getaway, so if we could just... Sure. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh my god, that is so amazing. Leave your sweater set. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_130_Robbie_Katter_MP | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show, recording live here in downtown Petuta. Queensland election looms, it's probably coming in about a week or two before the American election and of course in this part of the world this is the election everyone's talking about. I'm joined by myself, Clancy Overall and of course Errol Parker, editor at large. How are you Errol?
And today's guest is our local member. Our local member. State member. Our local state member. You've got half the town, so you've got, the line runs through Daru Street, we've got Lachlan Miller on one side and we've got Robbie Catter IV, the member for Mount Isa, formerly Mount Isa. It's obviously our local member for half the town.
So thank you for joining us today Robbie, how are you? Yeah, I'm well thanks. I'm glad I'm not down there stuck in the hustle and bustle of the traffic, Petuta. Got here, sleepy Mount Isa, Charters Towers I should say.
Charlie's Trousers.
Now first things first mate, how's Daisy and the bub? You've welcomed a little one into the world just prior to the pandemic. Yeah, well we're still together, everyone's still asked how I did it, but nah. Yeah, but it stands for itself mate, going well mate, love Mount Isa, she's very happy. And second of all mate, how did Bob enjoy his two weeks quarantine after coming home from Canberra? The hotspot of Canberra.
We had to buy a lot of your koala mattresses and put them all around the walls of the house because we were bouncing off the walls. Actually yeah, everyone was just, in the family just couldn't believe we were locking him in the house for two weeks by himself. Yeah, he was, I think we found him in fetal position sucking his son when we opened the door. Yeah, it sounds like Bob.
How many phone calls did you get a day you reckon? How many did I block or did I get?
Now you are a, what would you say, arguably fourth generation politician. Yeah, it's pretty sad, indictment on the family. I guess they call them the downers of the North West. The bards, the bards of the golf. Robbie, the funny thing about the cat is that you all at some point had a real job, unlike a lot of those dynasties we see in the LNP or in the Labour Party.
What were you up to? Prior to following your old man into politics, give us a little bit of a rundown. Your old man likes to say that you were basically the first incarnation of Jonathan Thurston for the North Queensland Cowboys. I know you did play a bit of rugby league football, but you had a bit more to do career wise before entering politics like your old man.
Yeah, I think Dad must have enjoyed trying to live his life through me in rugby league because he just has his signature. I was a lot better than I was, I'm surprised he hasn't gotten me beaten up a lot more often. I was pretty easy going and I did the same. I think my mum and dad suggested, why don't you become a probably go and try to sell a cattle station. Then when I was in grade 11 or 12 and I said, well, that sounds right, and I did that for 15 years.
I worked in the mines for a couple of years, actually, and worked at the mines here, and then just became a property valuer. And then you meet heaps of people and you're probably valuing, and then I bought a business at Mount Isa. I worked for these big companies and then bought a little business in Mount Isa. Someone said to me, you know, it's better to lead your own pony than someone else's thoroughbred. Yeah, that's true. I bought my own little business and I did that for seven or eight years, I think. And it was, it was a good little cash cow business in Mount Isa. So basically is it probably value or you're on the campaign trail years before you even put your hat in the ring?
It was awesome. And like I swear, I just had, like the last thing I ever wanted to do was politics because I, you know, bloody odd life of conflict and I'm pretty easy going.
When I look back and you were going through five or 10 houses a day meeting people and thankfully for me, it was through the rising property market. So it was usually given people good news that the value of the house had gone up. Five or 10 years later, I would have said, it would have destroyed my believing career.
Now, where would you, you're now the president of the Kata Party, as your, as your old man in his like performative nature, he would have made a great thespian. He could have made a great performer, your old man. But he obviously held a press conference where he decided to literally hand you a pair of reins and you are now in control.
What would you say? Particularly, there's a big question that I think a lot of people would like answered heading into an election where the LNP kind of look like they're having a lot of their own troubles. They're obviously probably not going to be able to secure a lot of the vote that they would usually have locked in because of this COVID-19 pandemic. That's all speculation from where we're looking at things. But obviously, you provide an alternative, the KAP outside of the two major parties and always have done. Where would you say the KAP in 2020 sits on the political spectrum? And is that even a spectrum that would apply to your party? That's a bloody good question. And probably the best response you just gave is, I think everyone goes left and right.
They're such antiquated terms and they're really, I think they're pretty silly terms to use in modern politics because it's that malleable, like people's positions on things. So on some of the economic issues, you know, we're called agrarian socialists, so it's left on that, like, you know, they want family farms, not big corporate farms and institutional stuff. And we want to believe in small private enterprise, which then makes you sort of anti-capitalist because then suddenly you're against big business coming in and taking over things. And then, you know, on the environmental issues and cultural issues, we're super, you know, right of Stalin. So it's like, you know, always seem to be at least safe. It's a bit difficult to sort of explain it. But I guess where we sit. But I think if you just go back to the old country party values, which takes a bit of old labour and old national party, that's probably the best way to describe it, I think.
Now, Robbie, how did Charters Towers handle their sole case of the coronavirus up there? Because as we all know, the policy born out of, you know, the importance of the southeast corner in our state, how has this policy to lock down the state impacted, you know, your area up there? I was really disappointed because I was all charged up Mount Israev to throw flaming toilet rolls down the street and start, you know, embracing the chaos. But, yeah, it was, you know, most people were trying to draw us in on that debate, you know, open the borders. And, you know, you go to the puppet up at Forsyth or Birktown and they're saying like, what coronavirus? Or, you know, keep the bars together, as far as we're concerned, keep the bloody Victorians and yourself welcome out.
We're enjoying a bit of time to ourselves. So it was a funny place for us. And we felt pretty special, as you'd understand. But like you said, you felt so it was the one time you felt we had such a big advantage over the city and privilege.
What is the feeling in your division, your electorate? What is the feeling? Because, you know, if you read the newspapers, the Courier Mail coming out of, you know, the right wing heartland of Murarrie in Brisbane, they're saying that everyone in Australia, the bush, everyone's feeling let down by the Premier with the border closures.
You know, you've got obviously Diane Frecklington saying not much. Yeah, Diane Freckleham, as we called her, Deb Frecklington. Not many people even know her name. She's not saying much.
But then obviously Morrison's applying the pressure on the Premier. What is the feeling of people? People just think this is a hollow debate. No one even cares.
In fact, do you reckon the Premier might have the support of your constituents on this issue? Oh, she's definitely, you know, tested those thresholds of support over the last few years. I mean, on this issue, on this issue. Yeah, you have a bit of ground to make up, but on this issue, look, yeah, it's probably just ambivalence most of it. You know, we get to sit in our high horse a lot of the time in the country areas and laugh at the silly city folk going crazy. Because I think there's a fair bit of empathy for the impact on the economy and that sort of thing.
But it's like I said, it's one time that we felt pretty sheltered. And from the start, we've been saying this is absolute lunacy. Like, shut us off. You know, I don't know about the border, the New South Wales border, but shut off Western Queensland or North Queensland. I'll do some zones and let us operate as per normal. Yeah. We had Western Queensland had zero cases the whole time. And you go to the pub at Birdsville, or that was Robby Dare, the Baduri Roadhouse, and you couldn't sell beer up that end of the counter. But you could sell fuel and now the same thing would come to you. So it just seemed ridiculous to us. And we were saying, can you please, as usual, just make a little bit different rules for the country areas without anything to understand. And that was probably the biggest frustrating part, or has been the frustrating part of it. Yeah, so Robby, I don't often like to ask these questions. It's a hypothetical one.
Should the Cata Party win 44 seats on the 31st of October? What does your roadmap look like for Queensland moving out of this corona time that we've been in?
Oh, you know, if it's in the ground, dig it up, grow it. You know, we're very, you can't live in North Queensland and especially Northwest Queensland, where you're just immersed in all this potential and resources. And it's all, you know, it's all not far off its virgin state. There's so much to harvest.
So mandating biofuels, mandating ethanol in cars so that there's a secondary market for grain farmers and sugar farmers and stimulating the economy while creating clean air and in the long run creating downward pressure on fuel against the multinational oil companies. I think that's pretty good policy. That's something we push. Coal mining, you know, mining and agriculture is going to be our salvation for the Queensland economy for the next five or 10 years at least, if not beyond that. So I think we've got a pretty good role to play if people want us to after the election to try and re-engage some of those industries because I'm absolutely sure they're struggling.
Yeah, we'll just try and be that pro-development party that everyone sort of tries to say, you've been parochial or you just don't like the city. And so it's got nothing to do with it. It's that you don't understand we can actually be a big provider for the state. And that, you know, when you talk about separate state and stuff, you say it's not so much that we want to break away from you, it's just that we can contribute a lot better if there's more autonomy when you're in rural areas and you're making decisions that are more relevant and it just takes a lot of the nonsense out of the decision-making. And I think it's a pretty mature discussion to have, but everyone thinks just, everyone's straight out just pigeonholes those eyes, it's just country hating the city. And it's not like that, you're trying to develop and you're frustrated by surrounding yourself in these all this potential and just seeing it cut off at the knees and thinking, I wish there was a better way to try and connect with people to get some benefit out of this.
The Qatar Australia party have always been very good at avoiding populism. I mean, I noticed, you know, while the conspiracists and the tin foil hat types, Craig Kelly and the bachelor up there in Mackay were all kind of anti-lockdown, anti-mask even some of these people, One Nation certainly had a few of that rhetoric going around, you know.
People were, you were respecting the science of this pandemic, which is different, which is interesting because as you said, you get tired with the brush of being, you know, these lunatics out bush who just want to be contrarians to everything that's coming out of the city. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Bloody hell, like that's where all the time usually if you don't, you know, unless you've got a good reason not to believe or understand it, when you say science, bloody hell, there's just, there's so much, it's not so much the science itself, it's the politicians that you, and how they interpret or manipulate the science around things that make me entirely cynical. And she was down the spine and someone says, oh, I've got to believe in the science. Well, if they come to the mouth of a politician, that's when I start worrying. But yeah, with this, I'd like, you know, you've got enough friends and you ground check what's being told and you know enough to get the sensible ground. Yeah, you know, we do try and get things right out here but not just, as you say, we're not trying to be contrarians all the time.
Anastasia on the issue of the lockdown, the borders and everything she's done, you know, and held strong on to keep the borders closed and to keep coronavirus out of Queensland. She's probably won the support of a lot of Queensland, you know, regardless of their political alignment on that issue.
Where would you say she's let down your constituents? No, boy oh boy. In the last term.
You know, try and build anything bigger than a cubby house in Queensland and you'll have four departments trying to stop you. And you know, dad got 250 million for dams and it's funny actually because bureaucrats will always say, oh yeah, that's brilliant, we love this project. And they love it until you see you've actually got money for it. And when it becomes real, they go, oh, actually there's a few problems with this dam, we'll have to, oh, you know.
And they're absolute world experts at coming up with great creative excuses not to do stuff. And I would say the premier is, you know, would be a, if not a gold medalist, a podium finisher and not doing stuff and avoiding things, so. And like the frustrating thing for me is they recently had a big announcement.
We'd been working on keeping the copper smell in Mount Isa, and you know, the bare bones of that really is if it's shut down in Mount Isa, it opens up in China as a much dirtier smelter where they get all the jobs out of it. So it's like, do you want a smelter in Australia or not? And they sort of think it's a big favour to you that they're helping to keep the smelter open.
That's the mindset, I think. And it's like, I'm trying to help you guys here. This is not you helping me.
I don't like, I'm not asking you for a football stadium in Mount Isa, which would be nice. I'm asking you for a football stadium. And it's pretty frustrating and makes you angry when, you know, you're trying to give them stuff that helps their economy and helps them do their job and they can go and build their Cross River Rail in Brisbane and build another sports stadium.
But at least let me help you keep some jobs and industry going and shit. And like, I think the hallmark of the Premier, she says, I've created 10,000 jobs. No, you haven't. You bought them with my money. It's my job to create public servant jobs. And you know, we need, public servants are very valuable in a lot of ways, but you don't say you're creating jobs.
That's, you know, I've got a front row seat that industry development in the regions, and I can tell you, like everything is hard and everything's going backwards in those ways. So yeah, I would give her a very poor scorecard in trying to align with those things that I'd love to achieve in politics. And when it comes to Frecklington, the LNP leader, what would you say is her greatest kind of flaws in the sense that, why should people in your three seats you've got now, looking for four, why should people in the KAP, electorates vote for KAP instead of LNP? What have you got over them and what don't they offer? Yeah, that's easy. They've just got this bipolar sort of character where they're trying to pretend they're still with the old nationals, but go down to Brisbane and be the liberals at the same time. It's all under the qualification, or we have these robust internal party discussions. Oh really, like show me someone across the floor, because there was two people across the floor in about 15 years. That's not that robust.
And when you have, we've put dairy bills in, rural bank bills, there was a reef bill the other day and they all vote with Labour on it. You go, that's fine, that's parliament and politics, but don't come back out bush and say, oh, we're all for the farmers, be consistent. And so I think it's really difficult for them. It's been a failed marriage with the liberals and nationals. And I think whoever's in Deb's job has got a really tough gig because they've got to try and say they love the reef and we've got to stop farming to damage the reef. And then she's got to go back up the Burdekin and Ingham and the likes and say, oh, but we actually, that's all nonsense about the reef. We love farmers and that's a really tough gig. I think she has trouble doing that. And I think I wish them well, go and become the Liberal Party and we'll be the representatives of the country area and do what you do well and battle Labour on that basis. But that's the trouble they have is they've got an identity crisis and the sooner they wake up to that, the happier life they'll live. I suppose that one thing that they do have like an issue committing on is energy policy.
And where they say that mining's great for jobs in North Queensland, but then they go back down to Brisbane and say that we have to stop the coal mining, we have to stop exporting, we've got to close down Hay Point in Gladstone. But what would a future look like in North Queensland if they forced the country to move into renewables? What would North Queensland then effectively be forced to do? Well, I think if that happened, you'd probably, it's fair to assume that you'd see a diminution or a decline in the development of coal reserves and there's enormous coal reserves there.
And that's, you know, like it or love it. I mean, it's great to find alternatives, but it's paying the bills at the moment until you find the things that replace the bills.
So I think that's nothing against renewables and there's some, in fact, Mount Isa in the Western areas of Queensland, Mount Isa is probably the best place to contribute in that space because where you're so far West, you know, we're about an hour behind in sunlight. So if you have, you know, sunlight generating power, no photovoltaic, whatever, that will feed into the grid and hits at the peak out, you know, the peak tariff on the coast, on the East Coast. And you know, there's just so much, so another thing with renewables, like I've said to the government three or four times, most of my electorate is not connected to the grid. On those cattle stations, the cockies love the solar pumps and like why you're feeding the solar in on the grid against your own generators when you, they'll subsidise, they'll pay for a lot more of the portion of the cost of solar out in the cattle stations. They love the bloody solar stuff out in them and they don't have any pep mains power, the burning diesel generators are perfectly generated.
So there's a lot of good stuff you can do, but you've got to get people to listen and they sort of listen to extent, but they never follow through. Like I got them to do a study on that solar stuff on rural, but it ended up being on cane farms on the coast and they missed the point. You know, there's a happy medium I think with it. Ethanol is a great one because people say, what's your environment, the ethanol?
Tell me something else that reduces it at 10% E10 in your tank, reduces your emissions by 30%. So if we mandate E10, make every car do it, which is a lot less imposter than when we change from unleaded fuel to lettered fuel to unleaded fuel, 30 years ago, it's a lot less imposter than that. Then- Lettered fuel, they had prams on the side of the road and lettered fuel burning down this main street of Mount Ives. So the bloody E10 would burn out every valve in my old Land Cruiser Prado, I'll tell you that much.
It's on the good stuff still that. Yeah, they have to tell you that. It's a good policy because it takes 30, it's equivalent to taking 30% of cars off the road. Sorry, that's a pretty good thing.
Right now, it feels like coal's on the nose at a mainstream level, as you said before, with the LNP identity crisis, Labour's having the same identity crisis. They've got CFMEU trucks in the middle of Claremont with signs saying, start Adani on it, which I don't think was really good for Bill Shorten's brand leading into an election. You've got two parties torn down the middle with that. Let's say they all go the same way and decide that coal is on the nose.
What do you do for, a lot of people in your electorate too, they got used to making a lot of good coin in the berm. What do you do there? Because as much as Bob Brown comes up with his convoy and says, oh, you blokes can make the same amount of money with a windscreen wiper on a solar panel.
That's just not gonna be the case. What would be the alternative in terms of jobs in the coal mining regions? Exactly, I don't have a good answer for that. And that's when people bail on me about cars. I don't really have a good answer, but I'm not willing to give up my Toyota in my house at the moment. So, my joy, who knows? And until you're willing to give up some of your stuff, I think we've got a bit of a problem.
So, but let's work, there's other things we can do. And it's not all about coal. Where I live in the Northwest mineral problem, we're trying to build us a power line, a big stuff off power line, try and language for the kids PG. And if you, we pay the highest electricity prices in the industrial world, in Mount Isa. Not many people know that. So, if you're on the grid in Australia, you pay 60, 70 bucks a megawatt hour, Mount Isa you pay 200 bucks a megawatt hour. We built this transmission line, you can have that. And if you have electricity prices for mines in a mineral province with $580 billion worth of minerals still on the ground, that's not too bad. And there's no replacement on the horizon for Copper, Zinc, there is for Lead, but Lead's still got demand here. They say, look, yeah, there's still plenty can be done outside of just coal.
Can you give us a little rundown on some of the candidates you've got running? I mean, obviously you've got yourself, Knuth, Daniel Leto.
Minister for Muscles. The minister for jet skis. Shirtless jet ski photo shirts.
Where else you got? You got someone running in the tip? Can I start on Nick D'Amato's second?
He is the biggest characterisation of a wild I've ever met. And he's wife's nice, you know, Toyota Parola or whatever it is, next to his Hilux U, are out on the street because inside his garage is his speedboat with a 400 horsepower motor and he's way far. They're drinking Limoncello with the Forex gold. I said, Nick, you're just going to be and then he wants to area top, and then he's going to drag cut into his speedboat. The cat has looked like that a few generations ago. Yeah.
Yeah, look, down in your country there, we've got a fellow, Rick Gannett, who's probably more KAP than KAP. He's just a pure farmer.
Then we've got up north in Cook, we've got a young girl called Tanika Parker who grew up at Hope Vale and she's related to Maddie Bowen, which is sort of akin to Royalty up there. And she's a nurse, a registered nurse that's gone back home there.
We've got a heap of candidates in Townsville, basically in the footprint of North Queensland. Sam Cox is running for us in the Birkins, a red hot chance. Yeah, and goes for heaps of names there. We've got some really strong field, but we only feel like 10 to 15, something that you can focus on actually winning things. It's not like a one nation, you don't pull up inside the boxing tent and give everyone a number. It's ambitious. Well, Robbie, as we saw down south in the New South Wales state election, not too long ago, we saw a massive rejection of the way that rural voters kind of held the national party in that you saw them lose some of the safest kind of seats that you could have in the country to the shooters, farmers and fishers. Is the sentiment, in your opinion, in Queensland kind of the same? It definitely is.
And that could be, I could be setting myself up for a big failure because something very real. So if we're not successful, you'd say, well, we're pretty bloody hopeless because the vacuum is very real.
The challenge is to insert yourself into people's consciousness where people have mainly switched off from politics and try and do that without a million dollar campaign budget. It's pretty tricky. Get people interested in politics, insert a new brand name where they've had 50 or 100 years getting used to the old one and try and present yourself as an alternative and make sure you're credible. And that's been the challenge for us and others. And like I said earlier, I think I don't begrudge the LNP or Labour having a spot in parliament, but just work, stick to who you want to represent, don't try and be everything to everyone. And it's a good place for everyone in there.
But it's ridiculous to think that they still represent the farmers. It's just nonsense. I've got a long catalog of sort of crucial rural bills we put through parliament that they've happily voted against.
You might, this might actually be a record too, actually up there in the Cook electorate and probably the first time two indigenous women have run against each other in North Queensland. Now you've got the KAP who obviously represent, people don't realise this as well, like a diverse community across all your seats. I mean, as we just said, I was having trouble pronouncing some of the last names of your sitting members. And you've got a lot of different industries. You've got from fruit, I've seen your old man put on the Sikh turban on whatever community event that was at. And you've got a whole lot going on there. The Katas, I guess you could say have followed, as you said, the voters have spent a hundred years getting used to the most recent party they've been voting for. And you're trying to insert yourself in there. I guess there has been an incarnation of your last name in every party in the bush.
Was there ever any labour in the Kata family? Yeah, back, I believe it was the DLP. So the family, yeah, I think it was in the 40s and 50s. They were originally in the labour party. And from what I gather, it's probably a too strong a word, but I think family is sort of social outcasts a bit, a little bit, they had a big business in kong curry, but they are skinned Lebanese. And for whatever reason, yeah, I'm not sure what the motivation were, but they were in the members of the labour party then, and then there was the split, which I think was around the 60s, and they went to the DLP, which sort of morphed then into the country party, which then morphed into the national party.
And yeah, here we are today. Do you have much to do with the shooters and fishers? I mean, obviously there is that, the third force in rural Australia, it's a bit of a trend. I mean, South Australia have got their own thing going on there. Their center alliances and their xenophones, and then down in Victoria, the Nats are obviously in quite a lot of turmoil.
Do you keep in touch with these kind of intrastate kind of third options? Yeah, we're very interested in reaching out and trying to find points of similarity, and that would be a great benefit to both, you know, all of us, I think if, but then you don't want to, you know, it's not sort of reaching out and trying to morph into something different for the sake of it, you know. We're not desperate to expand. We just, we have an interest in pushing, you know, an agenda and a suite of policies. And if people aren't that, you know, whatever we could change the name, morph into something else. It's not about propagating a name or a brand. It's about pushing a suite of policies.
So whatever's the best vehicle to do that. And KAP is for us at the moment. And you know, if something better comes on later then we use that. The big issue that's come up throughout leading into this election is youth crime, particularly in rural areas. KAP have always been on the front foot with this.
Unlike the national party, I guess, who like to pretend that ice doesn't exist in the bush or like to pretend that there is no problem, you know. In fact, a lot of people say that the national party don't really even look at the towns. They don't even kind of serve the towns in many kinds of electorates.
The KAP, you and your old man have spoken about this a lot. And particularly up there in the FNQ, there is this issue of youth crime. And this isn't just a stereotype. This isn't like, you know, this isn't like Melbourne when you're leading into election when all of a sudden there's a big crime spree. This isn't necessarily a campaign kind of fantasy. This is, you know, pretty clear numbers on a piece of paper. Oh yeah, I mean, it's beyond words really.
Like trying to relate to the statistics. I mean, at one point, and it may still be the case in Mount Isa, it wasn't the average number, the actual number of offences in one category was comparable to Brisbane. So an 18,000 population versus a 1 million population. We had comparable total statistics in one category.
So they're just off the dial things. And it's, you know, not to sound too bloody self-righteous or anything, but you just got to listen to people. Like it's, you're mostly talking about Indigenous problem, our first Australian brothers up there in Mount Isa. They're having all sorts of problems in their communities. Alcoholism, substance abuse. But you just got to ask the right questions. It's common sense.
Follow why are the kids on the street? Because it's not safe at home. Mum and dad aren't looking after them. Why are mum and dad having troubles?
Because he hasn't got a job and they, oh, okay, why hasn't he got a job? Let's go back to communities. Why haven't he got a job there?
We can't get a blue card. Okay, let's look at blue cards. Let's fix the blue cards.
And you just got to follow these things through and create opportunities for jobs for the parents. And that's a lot, you know, these are long things to turn around, but you just got to ask the right questions and get on the ground and see what the problems are. But you know, they'll say, oh, you've got to adjust to the youth justice system and the parole period or something. You think, God, you're missing the point. Like you're dealing with the symptoms, but what's the real issue here?
And you know, another one, like it's so obvious now, but there's, I think through the seventies or eighties, a lot of first Australians come off the stations, but in the eighties, I think it was more pertinent. Eighties or early nineties, it was Kevin Rudd, I think was one of the head public servants in Queensland under Wayne Goss. And they took about 800 railway jobs between Townsville. And you had a lot of Islanders indigenous work on that railway line. And quite literally some of those families now are the ones struggling because they just lost their purpose in life. And, you know, they had that uniform in the railways. Mabo was in the railways himself, wasn't he? He probably was actually.
So you're saying, you know, some families haven't been able to get above the poverty line since then? Yeah, pretty clear to see when you sort of reflect on it now that, and you know, people in Brisbane make these decisions and go like, you know, and you think, boy, oh boy, you do not know how severe the consequences are of some of those, you know, rationalising decisions you might have. And until you try and turn those things around, I think you're wasting your time. I have seen some ideas put forward by your party.
Bush School, what are you calling it? What's this program?
Well, you know, the policy's called relocation sentencing, but it's, and it's sort of going back to their old law, L-O-R-E, in the context of the First Australians. But the, you know, I suppose you're saying white or black, if your kids are playing up, one of the biggest gaps that they have in services is given the ability, whether it's youth justice or the coppers or magistrate, to say, mate, just get the hell out of town. Like, we send you at a facility and that can, you know, you can gratify a lot of the angry locals that just got their car stolen by saying, mate, we've got him out of town. But also those people that believe in reforming these kids, like, you know, let's not just throw them to the walls, let's try and bring them, turn them around. If you've got a remote facility, you can start to, it's a lot easier to bloody lay a slab or build a fence or, you know, do a, take them fishing for one day if they're behaving themselves all week, or, you know, you can do stuff out Bush. And I've seen with my own two eyes, you know, really bad kids going out to Yirrindangy or Djaa or something and they just transform. Cause when they're taken out of that environment, they're fine, but you've got to get them well away, not 20kms out of town or 50kms out of town, you've got to take them 400kms away. You don't need fences or anything out there cause good luck in the hand.
Yeah, yeah, no, it's not, yeah, well, it's not, it's not a prison. No, that's right. And that's the big gap that's missing. And that's the big policy that we're most of the policy we want to deal with youth crime and people are begging for it. And I'm yet to find anyone that disagrees with me on it, which is pretty big because the last three or four years of politics, usually you draw out a few haters or, you know, people that disagree, but yeah, but it's just a matter of getting the government to decide that it's actually their idea and rebadge it. Yeah.
Well, just before we go, Robbie, what are the key promises that the KAP has taken to this election? Well, some of it, yeah, the big ones is building dams and water storage and ethanol mandate will work very strongly in that, in power and enhance our mining in the state. So we see one of the big ones is the government want to build, it's about 12 kilometres of rail line, which has gone up for $12 billion in Brisbane to get people to work 10 minutes earlier. What's the today show 10 minutes longer. And you can build 300 kilometres of rail line in the Galilee basin that makes the taxpayer money for the next 20 or 30 years.
So they're the sort of things we can deliver. If we get in, I guess, trying to turn things around in rural industry, mainly thing is rural bank. There's a huge appetite. You go and try and buy us some potato at the moment, the bank's just whack a bloody postcode discrimination on you and you won't get the loan. It's a disgrace. Yeah, I mean, you're trying to get some young people to move out there or buy the tire shop in Richmond. They can't even get the finance once you do, you break the ankles of someone and finally get them to stay there and they can't even get the finance. So we want to see a rural bank. I put legislation in the state parliament for liberal and they both voted against it, but we'll try and get something up like that because I think that will be perhaps not salvation, but maybe a good policy opportunity to turn things around and commit to.
Let's just say you hold the balance of power in a month's time. Is that going to be something you're going to have to sit on? I wonder if they actually give you something like a staff or something like that. That would be cool. A gavel. Or you get to hold the mace in parliament. For one day, yeah. I have a cousin that would really enjoy that. If I did, sorry, what was the question? If you did have the balance of power, would you have to sit on it? Yeah, you'd want to know whoever you were empowering there. Pretty closely aligned with your agenda.
And I reckon that's good news for them because I'm not there asking for streets paved with gold. I'm asking for things that make them money. So they shouldn't see it as such a burden, but who knows? They think funny sometimes as politicians.
And lastly, who's your pick for the NRL 2020 premiership? Well, until last week, Roosters, who I hated saying it, bloody hell. I mean, I know we can cross, finally we can cross off the cowboys. I still hate them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, there was a little engine that could this year. Until it couldn't. Yeah, yeah.
Honestly, I just can't see, I think it's because I just don't like pennies for some reason, but I really didn't want Roosters. And I took on a bet with friends at the study, I took Melbourne. So I'm just going to say Melbourne because I'm in financial interest.
You heard it here first. Yeah, I heard it here first.
I mean, it's basically has been a Queensland team for a while. So they'll be based in the sunny coast. So I guess that's, if you want to talk. Or Redcliffe, you know, if only they had a team there that was ready to go, it'd be great. Vlandis might bump up the Dolphins. That could be a real guy there. He certainly doesn't mind making decisions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could use a bit of politics.
Anyway, thanks for joining us today, Robbie. All the best. All the best with the red whitewash, the KAP landslide in this incoming Queensland election. I reckon you're going to paint it red. Thank you. I did need to congratulate you too. I listened to many podcasts with Billy Birmingham. Last Christmas, I was driving down to see the family and it was absolute, yeah, as I said before, if it wasn't a gold medal, it was a podium finisher for podcasts. Thanks, mate. Thank you.
Actually, we interviewed Joy McKean last week. Slim's, Slim's, Slim's wife. Yeah, we actually were talking about the catters before we went to air. She said she has had many very long conversations with your dad when she falls into town because he reckons he knows who killed the jolly swag man. A lot of years ago. Can I tell you one story? That's a great story.
One of my best mates, he's just always bagged slim dust in. I just, you know, that's just sacrilege out in the bush. And he told me one day a story of his dad who's in his seventies, got gypped for like tuppence or whatever it was, four pound and four pound or something at the show somewhere because he had to hold the cigarette in his mouth and Slim missed it. So he didn't pay him the money. Yeah, the animosity has gone generational. Just rubbishing, rubbishing Slim.
Maybe the only person in Western Australia, like Western Queensland or rural Australia that doesn't miss it. It's quite a universal sentiment you're rubbing up against there, mate. Well, all the best, mate. No problems, yeah. Good luck. We'll see you when we see you. Keep up the work, please. See you at the next Eiser Rodeo. Yeah, baby. |
SaturdayNightLive | bowen_s_straight_snl | Okay, can I tell you guys something super embarrassing. I have like an itsy-bitsy crush on someone here, I think what? oh my god, Who let me pick it. No? there was like boy genius y'all are giving girl dumbass. I don't know. He's just so funny. and he's sweet, but it obviously can't be anything girl. you should absolutely go for it, But isn't he gay? gay.
No Bowen straight. Yeah, straight as they come.
I just placed gay on the show because it's a shortcut to laughs. So he hooks up with girls. Oh, yeah, hot girls too. Oh and poles.
Hey, when I'm at work, gotta cut out the baby stuff, Okay, okay, is that Gina Gershott? So anyway, the idea is Sydney Sweeney Todd. I've tinned the tail. Hello, hey, oh my god. yeah, make it. that sounds awesome. it'll be funny when we do it. Hey, baby girl. where's my smile?
But I didn't know you're straight. Oh yeah, I'm full. hetero. That's better. So what's your type Are, you know, blonde, smart, heavy naturals? What's yours? Gay presenting Asian podcasters?
Hey Sydney, are you coming to set? Oh, yeah, I'll be right there.
You get tired of laughing with the little boys. Oh do we need protection? No, no, it's fine.
I'm on prep. Amazing. Hey, I'd really love to see you again. Oh yeah, I have a lot going on, right. Totally.
Plus, I gotta keep up appearances with the whole gay thing. it's sort of my meal ticket. Wait, can't you just be straight?
Okay, you don't get it. Okay. I don't want this. I don't want your life. What the hell does that mean? it means get off my back. Whatever.
I'm going to Paris. Welcome to the club mama, why didn't you warn me about him? Some lessons you gotta learn for yourself.
I'm never gonna find love. Never say never. No, thank you. |
dropout | hardly_working_fired_up | Hey guys What do you think about Lindsay? Oh, man.
She's like the worst employer totally incompetent.
I don't know I just been thinking about a lot lately Yeah, might fire really. Yeah. I don't know. I mean you totally should dude.
You just go up there I don't think she wants to work here anymore She told you that no, but you could tell I'm gonna do it I think I'm just gonna go over and ask her out of the office Here's what you do you go up to Sarah right and you sort of assess the situation that way You know, I think like her and Lindsay are BCFs Oh best co-workers forever. I think I'm gonna do it guys. I'm gonna do it right now He's so boss Hey Sarah, hey, can I borrow you for a second? Sure I'm really nervous. So I'm just gonna say it. I'm thinking about firing Lindsay. Oh my god. Are you serious? She's gonna be so sad Well, I don't know if she likes working here or not She doesn't really talk to me about work But if you don't think she should work here anymore, you should just do it. I'm gonna do it. Good luck Hey Lindsay Hi You don't like working here.
Do you? Well, no, I do because I've been thinking about firing you for a while And I finally built up the courage. Oh No, I Am such a bozo no, oh don't say that this whole thing was stupid. No, it's what we're fine We can still be co-workers co-workership is very important to me. Me too.
So are we cool? Yes Okay, cool. Cool.
Yeah, she said no What? Listen, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
She liked her job. You know what? It's my fault I really shouldn't fire anyone what's for me. Hey, listen, bro tonight We're going out we're gonna fire as many girls as we can find it. Honestly, honestly, honestly that girl She's pretty good at her job.
You can be much more incompetent. Oh Hey, you think I'm more of a big or more of a Charlotte dude, I don't watch that show |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_segment_tracy_morgan_saturday_night_live | Now here to talk about the latest in hip-hop fashion is Weekend Update Correspondent Tracy Morgan. Check out this cool shirt. I'm wearing is by a company called Fubu. Fubu means for us by us And that's because these clothes are designed by black people. For black people. And I think it's about time because we've been the puppets of the fashion industry for too long because before Fubu all Nike gave us was food back for us by Asian kids and for all y'all running around buying up Tommy Hilfiger Again, remember that stuff. Food is food broad for us. Blacks by rich-ass white dude. Believe me, before we started buying all his clothes, the only only time Tommy Hilfiger ever saw a black dude was on a Lionel Richie album cover and now my kids all went Timberland Boots. Here we go. Timberland boots are the frac but way been designed for yuppie rock climbers, but worn exclusively by Nick Rose.
Then yesterday, my wife told me she wanted a Prada bag. I told her Prada bags were food you food have Jack for Halle Berry and Jada Pinkett only. so don't ask me for one again until you start looking like them.
Anyway, I'm not saying that the races have to stay totally separate. I'm just saying that I don't think it's been a fair exchange so far. Look at this stuff. the black community has created. That's for you by us. we gave you Jazz, the Nba and Will Smith and what have you come up with especially for us? Malt liquor, cool cigarettes, and a Mcrib sandwich. I mean, we desire reparations. so I guess I'm what I'm trying to say is uh, give me $100 Get out of here. Tracy Morgan, Everybody. |
cracked | 12_7_07_news_on_cracked_douchebaggery_kiefer_fda_etc | It's Friday, December 7th, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Luther, and I'm... wait, no, no, I'm Lex Friedman. I always get us confused. Anyway, NASA officials had to delay yesterday's shuttle launch due to faulty fuel gauges. Damn it, I had $200 down on faulty insulation. Cracked has managed to obtain this picture of Fred K. Wilson, the only man in America who was surprised to learn that NASA had delayed yet another shuttle launch.
Several Midwestern state traffic commissions have announced winter safety campaigns this year using the new slogan, ice and snow, take it slow. Officials hope for better results than those produced by earlier slogans, snow and ice, roll the dice, and snow won't melt, screw the seat belt. I don't know what they were thinking with those.
The CIA has admitted to videotaping their waterboarding of terrorism suspects, but it's also admitted that it has destroyed all those videos. The good news is the CIA videotaped the destruction of those videos, but those videotapes have also been destroyed. The destruction of the destruction videotapes may have been taped as well.
He's been suspended for 15 games at the beginning of the 2008 season for using human growth hormone. MLB officials originally suspected Gibbons might have been using HGH after he was knocked unconscious by a passing airliner. No, that's a stupid joke. MLB officials originally suspected Gibbons might have been using illegal performance enhancing drugs after learning that he played professional baseball for the MLB.
That's it for the news on crack. Tune in on Monday because I'm the only true friend you'll ever have. I'm Lex Friedman. I always get us confused.
Anyway, NASA officials had to delay yesterday's shuttle launch due to faulty fuel gauges. Damn it, I had two hundred dollars down on faulty insulation. Cracked has managed to obtain this picture of Fred K. Wilson, the only man in America who is surprised to learn that NASA had delayed yet another shuttle launch.
Several Midwestern state traffic commissions have announced winter safety campaigns this year using the new slogan, ice and snow, take it slow. Officials hope for better results than those produced by earlier slogans. Snow and ice, roll the dice and snow won't melt. Screw the seat belt. I don't know what they were thinking with those.
The CIA has admitted to videotaping their waterboarding of terrorism suspects, but it's also admitted that it has destroyed all those videos. The good news is the CIA videotaped the destruction of those videos, but those videotapes have also been destroyed. The destruction of the destruction videotapes may have been taped as well.
He's been suspended for 15 games at the beginning of the 2008 season for using human growth hormone. MLB officials originally suspected Gibbons might have been using HGH after he was knocked unconscious by a passing airliner. No, that's a stupid joke. MLB officials originally suspected Gibbons might have been using illegal performance-enhancing drugs after learning that he played professional baseball for the MLB.
That's it for the news on crack. Tune in on Monday because I'm the only true friend you'll ever have. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Tom_W_Clarke_Triple_J_Hottest_100_Historian | You're listening to a DM podcast. Hello and welcome to the Betuda Advocate podcast. We're back at it for another go. We are somewhat recharged after what was a very, very large, silly season.
My name's Wendell Hussey. I've got Effie Bateman, Euphemia Bateman on her birth certificate. You're with me today. How are you Effie?
Oh, dude, I'm still recovering. It was a rough one. Yeah. It's hard to say no. Yeah. And with this heat, it'll just keep on rolling through and keep on rolling. We'll be tired, very tired by the end of January and we'll need more resting by then. But that's okay. But then we have hottest 100. So it starts up all over again. That feels like the finish line. Yes, it does. The hottest 100 feels like, okay, now it is time to start thinking about hibernation, start thinking about recharging and getting your life back on track. And that is what we're talking about today on the podcast.
We have an esteemed guest, a music journalist, a comedian, a man who has written a book titled Should Have Been Higher about the hottest 100, a national institution. His name is Tom W. Clarke. Thank you very much for joining the Maturavika podcast, Tom. Thank you so much for having me.
Now I want to ask you about the title of the book, but before we get there, tell us about your relationship with the hottest 100 and why you love it so much. My relationship with the hottest 100 is one of pure unadulterated obsession, which you can see when you write a 300 page book on the thing.
But I've just, I've loved it since I was probably 11 or 12. It's my favorite day of every year.
It's your grand final? It is my grand final. Yeah, absolutely. It's, you called it the finish line of the silly season.
That's all I'm looking for. Let's, you know, let's get through Christmas. Let's get through New Year's. January is a slog. Here we go.
Let's sit in an inflatable pool with warm cans of beer and listen to the greatest example of music democracy in the world. 100%. Yeah, lovely.
And so the title is Should Have Been Higher. Most people will know or be aware of the trend from about six, seven years ago, maybe a little while ago, where every single post by Triple J was getting hit with the should have been higher in the comment section and there were thousands of likes for all of those comments and it basically became ingrained in the Australian social media zeitgeist and to some extent the Australian youth zeitgeist. Were there any other contenders for the name of a Triple J Hottest 100 book or was it always going to be Should Have Been Higher?
So this was the first title. It was the first title, it was almost the lightning rod of being like, oh, this might actually be a book. But then I tried a couple other ones because all the chapters are named after song titles. So I wanted to try something there. Yeah, I think this is a love song was one of the early titles, but it just kept coming back to should have been higher. It was too easy. Yeah. This is a love song doesn't quite have the same ring to it. And tell us about how you came to the decision to write this book.
Is this a COVID baby, a pandemic lockdown kind of situation? It was indeed a COVID baby. It was it's probably been a long, gestating project in my mind. And my wife and friends wouldn't listen to my statistic regurgitations anymore. Yeah, COVID finally kind of just gave me the time.
There's nothing else to do. Yeah. You know, you work during the day and then write at night. Yeah. Just fill the time somehow. Yeah.
It's interesting seeing all these little side projects that are still coming through from that period of time. You mentioned statistics there. And obviously, as a sports guy, I'm very used to seeing a variety of different statistics from different sports and landscapes and all that sort of stuff. I found it very interesting to see the sheer amount of statistics and the compilation of data that you have put into this playbook, which is a should have been higher celebration of the hottest 100.
How many spreadsheets? How hard was it to compile all this data and wrap your head around it? Dozens of spreadsheets.
And I am not a numbers guy. I was a massive sports data nerd growing up, but statistics are the only things my brain will latch onto. My wife and I are trying to do our budget. I'm like, I don't know, $1,000, $10, it's the same stuff. But statistics seem to grab me and just stick in my head. I think it's just because they're like facts and then you can just like regurgitate them. But yeah, so many spreadsheets trying to crunch numbers, you know, for no reason. A lot of the formulas that are just made up, I just made them up.
It just seemed like a fun way to break it down. Was there a lot of consultation and arguments with mates or were you like, nah, I'm breaking it up. For example, you've broken it up into six genres, right? We've got rock, hard rock, pop, folk, and hip hop and dance. So how did you come about with those categories? Was it just like, this is what I kind of see and this is what I reference or were there arguments and consultation with people or how did it look? There definitely was some arguments with friends. Look, some of them are pretty loosey goosey.
Definitely folk is just like a catch all. I've not used it very. Actual folk fans have like come up to me after they've looked through the book or bought the book and been like, how are you putting Missy Higgins in folk? She's a pop singer.
And it's like, yeah, fair enough. It was all vibes. You know, it was COVID. I was just vibing out.
I feel like metal people would get pretty, if songs were put into hard rock, have you had a few of them arc up about it? Well, honestly, that preemptive arcing is part of why hard rock is its own category. Cause I was like, if I put Amity Affliction in the same category as Powder Finger, some people are going to blow their fricking minds. So I had to split them up. I'm surprised that it's the stone of dreadlocks coming for you on the categories. I would have thought, yeah, it would have been a hard metal, but no, the folk people not happy.
Yeah. I think, I think the hard rock folks are just happy to see themselves represented. They're just happy to be here. Yeah, exactly. I have a pressing question. Yes.
Who has won the most times and is it Hilltop Woods? Hilltop Woods have never won.
What? Would you believe? I know. What?
They've been there and right about a couple of times, but they never actually taken over the top five. So they've never been number one. So they have come third three times, which is absurd as a fact.
That's crazy. Yeah. No, Powderfinger and Flume have both won twice. Yeah.
It's pretty incredible to think that there aren't more winners than that, that there's only a couple of people that have won it twice over the course of 30 years there. But I guess that just shows you the different kind of categories of people and the huge mass of people who have different taste voting in this competition. Powderfinger, they dominate right there in terms of hottest 100, they are probably the goats, are they? Oh, goats without question. It's kind of absurd how much they dominated from like 96 through to 2007, like a good 10, 12 year period where they were in the top 10 basically every year, back to back winners, 99, 2000. And that's a rare statistical feat, isn't it? In the sense that they won in 99 and 2000 with songs from the same album. Yes, they were on the same album. These Days is a Weird Song.
It was written for an obscure Australian movie. Heath Ledger is in it. One of his first movies.
And then it got included on the album almost as an afterthought. I don't think they thought anyone was ever going to hear it. And then it kind of blew up. And didn't blow up.
It's one of the most iconic songs of all time. It's funny. There you go. It was just written for a movie and then Two Hands, I think is what it's called. Two Hands. It was. Yeah. Famous Sydney movie. Heath Ledger, Two Hands, there you go.
I think I've written an article about this, but I swear elder millennials especially love listening to the same shit over and over again. Like I'm almost 30 and my playlist, shameably, is still what I listened to when I was 18. So it's an interesting, I'm not sure if you're aware of the history of the hottest 100, but so they say 1993 is the first year, but there were three or four years prior to that, that they had the hottest 100, but it didn't have to be for songs of that year. Could just be, you vote for whatever songs you want. So people were writing in at least of 10 songs and sending them to the ABC on the back of the paper.
That sounds messy. And it was messy because it ended up with what Joy Division won twice with Love Will Tear Us Apart. And then they decided we need to change things up. We need to have some rules. We need to have some rules, otherwise this thing isn't going to last very long.
And then the inaugural year that they went with the calendar year kind of premise, they almost fucked it up and saw the end of the hottest 100 in its first year, right? The actual first proper year. Yeah.
Dennis Leary.
And it's such a weird turn because yeah, it was all Joy Division and The Cure and The Smiths. And then, you know, Nirvana came along and swept it with Smells Like Teen Spirit.
And then they take a year off and then they come back with it. All right, it's going to be an annual countdown. It's going to be a thing. We're going to count down everyone's favorite songs of the year.
Wow. That is such an Australian thing to do to both. Yeah, exactly. It's essentially just like a fucking dick on a ballot paper becoming Prime Minister. It's such a joke. But they recovered from that, right? There was a lot of blowback and a lot of people going like, how did this win the best song of the year? What a joke. Boaty McBoatface. Yeah, it's that kind of shit.
But it worked out okay after that and then it kind of obviously has grown from strength to strength. Yeah, so then, you know, then the Cranberries win the next year and then it's Wonder Wall by Oasis and it feels like maybe things are on track. And then the Australian wave came through with around Powderfinger, et cetera, et cetera, because it was a lot of international artists early on, wasn't it?
Cranberries winning in 94. So it was essentially second year female vocals won the hottest 100 because I remember Billie Eilish. There was a lot of chat about Billie Eilish and how big a deal that was because it was the first solo. Solo. But there was actually female vocals had won it in 94. Flume had a couple with female vocals there, which... And as we say, EDM's best with female vocals. Yeah, with strong female vocals, absolutely. I wanted to get your opinion on, just touch on a joke song, essentially winning the hottest 100. There was another famous...
We've thought about this and I disagree with you. I think it's deserved. I genuinely think it's deserved too. We're talking about Thrift Shop in 2012.
What, what, what, what, do you say that as a joke song or do you see that as a serious song? I think it's a joke song. I think the biggest difficulty with Macklemore is that he thinks all his songs are serious. The hardest thing to take seriously about Macklemore is that he doesn't understand he's a joke.
If he did, I think it would be a lot more palatable. Like if you lent into it. Yeah. If you did the nosey thing a little bit. Yeah.
He's the goofiest white dude out there. He's somehow become a multimillion selling rapper. He beat out Kendrick Lamar at the Grammys. Understand your place a little dude. Yeah, I get it. It is in terms of musical history, it's a weird anomaly and it's absurd and he's not going to go down as this kind of pioneer.
But don't you think that that song was everywhere in 2012 and it did come from triple J like it wasn't getting played. Because the tried and tested formula of triple J gets them going and then Nova and Kiss, et cetera, pick it up and it explodes into the mainstream even more. But I feel like that came from triple J and it was a song that everyone got around it. And then by the end, everyone was so sick of it and was like, this is so stupid.
But it was, I feel like it was the song of 2012. Yes, I reckon. I think that's fair enough. I think it was the song of 2012. I also think part of the blowback and I didn't actually write about this in the book, but I think it's true.
2012 was like the first year where people online had started like tabulating votes beforehand. So everyone already knew the exact or some some bloke who the warmest tuner guy had predicted the top 10 down to the song. And so when it happened, everyone was like, oh, you got it right. Have we just wrecked the 100? Wait, how did we get it right? So it must have been the first year where you could post your votes online. And so he was just like sorting through every single vote that he saw online. He's counting it up. And he predicted like his 100 was like shockingly well predicted. And so Thrift Shop was like a done deal. And so I think like maybe that lent into it where everyone was a bit predisposed to Well, let's get our heads around the fact that Macklemore is about to win the hottest 100. Yeah, we're going to have this enjoyable day and it's going to finish with fucking Macklemore winning the hottest 100.
Have they sorted that warm tuners guy out yet? Has ABC topped him? Has he had his knees bashed in in the back of a car park? Or is he still causing trouble for him with his predictions? I think he's still shouldering on, but they changed the way that you could post votes so that it was harder to predict.
And then last year, he used AI to project. So he had a countdown, but he was like, this is my 100. And then he used AI to go and find all the stuff he missed. And it came back and it was so much more accurate. So he's just gamed the system again.
He's like the triple J's Joker. Yeah, he just keeps evolving. Does anyone know what he does outside of that? Like he must work. This is his only thing. I have to assume he's a tuner based hermit. Like me just sitting in the bottom of his parents house on the computer all day, dinging the bell for some shitties to be brought down by the basement, the triple J built. Very impressive that he continues to evolve.
So that was a controversial moment. Is it fair to say the most controversial moment aside from the date change was Taylor Swift 2015. Is that up there? Do you reckon with the most controversial, hottest 100 moments? I think so. I mean, the date change made it to federal parliament, so that was pretty heckers.
But I think, yeah, Taylor Swift is a pretty notorious one. And it's only gotten more notorious, I think, since the amount of pop songs that have made it into the hottest 100 since then. They tried to make this move to consolidate the integrity of the countdown. And then like two years later, Beyonce was in there and The Weeknd. I mean, Drake was already in there, but you know, he's basically a pop singer.
He always finds his way in. He finds his way in everywhere. A lot of places he shouldn't be.
And you know, like Bruno Mars, like Uptown Funk made the top 10 and it's like, well. The poppiest song. Is Bruno Mars different to Taylor Swift? Yeah. I mean, yes, in a lot of ways worse. Yeah, there's been some serious pop songs getting around in the hottest 100 since that.
What did it all start with? It started with Buzzfeed trying to get this campaign. Was that they were just trying to fire a shot at Triple J or what was the actual origin of that kind of movement or campaign? Yeah, I think it was just a grenade. So Buzzfeed starts the campaign.
They're trying to get Taylor Swift into the hottest 100. They pick Shake It Off as the song that they're going to try to use to hijack the countdown. To their credit, it works. Shake It Off would have come 12th if it had been allowed into the hottest 100.
So there's thousands of people behind this campaign, right? This is like peak Buzzfeed power, at least in Australian media. And then right on the day of the countdown, that was the first thing they said before the countdown started. They were like, we've made the decision. Taylor Swift's not going to be here today. Imagine the conversations behind Closed Doors would have been very interesting there. And as you said, like it resulted in so many pop songs in the following years. It was kind of weird, but they obviously needed to make a statement and say, don't fuck with the countdown. Don't fuck with democracy or whatever, you know, but you made an interesting comparison in your book or you kind of spoke about how Taylor Swift post that hottest 100 scandal then got involved in politics herself and basically had a significant influence on the US election. It was an interesting one in the book there to talk about how Triple J's hottest 100 affected the US election. Save that for people who get a copy of it and have a read of it.
Another thing I wanted to talk about, there's some interesting stats obviously in there, but one of the ones that stuck out to me was how much rock and hard rock from those categories you mentioned before were in the hottest 100. And there was one hip hop song in the top 10 in the nineties. That's kind of almost reverse now, hasn't it? It's now heaps more hip hop and pop, and not as much hard rock or rock in the hottest 100. Yeah. I mean, looking at the like the hip hop from the nineties is like, it's one of the hardest things to kind of get your head around when you're looking back at the history of the hottest 100, because we think of it as being such a kind of cool counterculture institution, but the amount of incredible world-breaking hip hop that we just missed in the nineties, you know, Biggie doesn't show up, Snoop Dogg doesn't show up, 2Pac gets in one song, I think Cypress Hill sneaks in there one year, but there's just like nothing from that kind of golden era.
So are you saying Australians are really lame? We needed the barbecue rap of the hilltop hoods to awaken us at a hottest 100 level. That's right. That's me right here on the Petuta Advocate podcast saying Australians are lame. I've been trucked into my official opinion. That's going to be your, your quote, you know, that's it headline.
I reckon there's an emo renaissance coming back. Do you reckon that's going to hit the hottest 100? I would personally love to see a bit of an emo renaissance, you know, there's been a bit of, you know, My Chemical Romance, bit of Paramore coming through in the last year or so. I'd be, Paramore made it last year, actually, I'd be, I'd be down for a bit of emo renaissance. You have been indulging in the emo touring renaissance and enjoying it.
The Mount Rushmore category, you've compiled basically a hall of fame, the inaugural hall of fame for the hottest 100, everything, you know, every sport, every category, every genre needs halls of fame. And so you've come up with them for the hottest 100 and you've, you've divided it into, I believe Mount Rushmore's, pioneers and genre heroes, genre heroes, right? So obviously you're Mount Rushmore.
That's the pinnacle. Some names in there that make sense, Flume, I mean, in terms of the GOAT debate, Powder Fingers there, Powder Fingers, Michael Jordan, Flume feels like Lebron in terms of his longevity, what he's doing, what he's changing, much stronger hairline than Lebron James actually, but he is coming, it feels like for Powder Finger, he might be the GOAT. So that makes sense. Hilltop Hoods makes sense.
But there are some that I was a little perplexed by, Custard, namely, are you familiar with the band? What? I've never heard of the band Custard.
How have they made the Mount Rushmore section of the hottest 100, please walk us through that. Okay, so hold on. They didn't make Mount Rushmore. Oh no. That's sturdy on.
I put them in as a pioneer. So Custard for the uninitiated were a very alternative Australian rock band in the 90s. Part of the reason that they made it into the pioneers section is that they were one of the first, the first Australian band to make the top 10 twice. And so 95, they make the top 10 and they sort of are the start of that Australian push that we started to see in the late 90s.
So I just wanted to give him a shout out also, just for any parents out there. Lead singer of Custard is Bandit's voice on Bluey.
Morning, Wendy. What? Really? Oh my God. There you go.
I know they're good Brizzy boys. Much love down there. They love, they love an alternative kind of band and a weird, weird eccentric band in Brisbane.
Custard, the lead singer is Bandit. Yeah, he's probably got much more fame, actually definitely would have had much more fame out of being, out of being Bandit's voice than Custard, but he's a pioneer in this book.
Sorry, I've got my categories confused there. Are there any other kind of trends or things that you noticed that really stuck out to you that you weren't expecting? I think the thing that I had maybe forgotten was just how many novelty songs were just like super high in the hottest every year.
Like you think of... I think of Dan Andrews, exactly right. Was that like, that was top 10 or was it 12 or something? 12. Yeah. Great song though. But that's just it, right?
We're still like novelty songs are still coming up in the hottest 100 every year. It's such a like ingrained part of the DNA. But you look through the 90s ones, there is like one or two novelty songs every single year. And then that just kind of kept going, you know, like you got Bloodhound Gang and you've got these sort of stoner rock songs, like Scooby Snacks and then, you know... The Chaser have a song? I think they were like in the 90s maybe.
Yeah, like the ScoMo loves Cole or something. Cole Makes Me Come. Yeah, Cole Makes Me Come.
I think it made the 200, 140 or something like that. But again, like solid effort Chaser. Still fairly impressive. The Wiggles, the Wiggles winning with a like aversion.
Is that a novelty song? Is that in the category of novelty songs? That was good. I didn't talk about it in the novelty section. I mean, it probably does fall in that category.
The Wiggles. Honestly, since we launched the book, the most talked about, like that's the thing everyone wants to talk to me about. Oh, how'd you feel about the Wiggles? Yeah. They were top on Spotify rap this year, wasn't it? Like they were Australians listened the most. It was like, fuck was it like Edge? No, it was Taylor Swift and the Wiggles. That's a lot of parents. That's a lot of just drives around the Pacific along the Pacific motorway with the kids in the backseat and just Wiggles on repeat. How do you feel about the Wiggles by the way, if that's what everyone's asking you?
My view is that for the two years of COVID, we were all just a little bit insane. I think I can forgive whatever anyone needed for comfort during that time. That's my view on it.
If the Wiggles were the security blanket we needed during lockdown. Fuck it. The Wiggles win.
All right. Yep. That's fine. Yeah.
You know, I can't, I can't get there with Denis Leary in 1993, but in 2021 anything goes. There's no reason to be that scrambled in 1993. You can be that scrambled in COVID with the Wiggles, fair enough.
I also like that you compiled a Hottest 100 supergroup. Can you talk us through that one? I believe Bernard Fanning's one of the vocals. Yeah. Look, Bernard Fanning, he's probably not your favorite singer, but he has won the Hottest 100 three times. He kind of is a walk-up start, but I paired him with Florence so that there's a bit more interest in the vocal category there. Couple of guitarists and a drummer and I think a wildcard made up the group. So we got Jack White, we got Chris Chaney from the Living End and Dave Grohl. I ended up putting it on drums just to, just to recognize the enormity of Foo Fighters and Nirvana in the Hottest 100.
You got to recognize the Fooies.
Still going strong. Sold out concerts last year. Let's release a new record. Still going strong.
Yeah. They love them. Triple M is nothing but the Fooies non-stop and look, fair enough.
I also wanted to ask potentially a final question unless you've got anything else. Effie, it's getting hot in here in the summer sun out here. The air conditioning is not working, but you decided on a particular year being the greatest Hottest 100 of all time, 2016, I believe it was. Talk us through how you got there.
So I decided to rank every Hottest 100 from worst to best. And I came up with a needlessly complicated mathematical formula to break that down. Incredibly subjective mathematical formula, the best kind of maths, where one of the scores was just me going through every single song and giving it a score from one to five and then breaking that down into a score out of 25.
So that's, you know, you might call that subjective, given that it's entirely my opinion of 3000 songs, 2016, why did it win? I think Never Be Like You was a great winner. Great winning song.
The start of the flume domination period. We had AB Original, 26th January made it that year. A bit of Kendrick, we had all the kind of big hitters from the 2010s were playing strong in that year. Converged on that year. Yeah. That's the year of the clowns and the year of the Pokemon Go. That's all I remember about 2016. There you go.
Do you remember clowns? Not bad. Yeah, I remember the clowns. The scary clowns? Yeah, all the sightings of the clowns are scary clowns. Clown memes everywhere.
It's a great year all round. Really? Yeah. Brilliant musical. And then also tons of clowns. You're into that sort of thing, which most people are.
And who have you got any tips for this year? Anyone you back in to win it? Honestly, I have absolutely no idea about this year. I have crunched the numbers on the Hottest 100 for so long.
And now the book is out. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm like, you know how doctors when they're on their day off and they see someone choking, they're just like walking straight past. Not my job. Someone else sort that out. Exactly. That's how I feel. Exactly. On their day off. Yeah. Donski's not helping that person choke. Yeah, that's how I feel.
But if I was going to throw out a vote, I would say Good Enough by G Flip is one of the best songs of the year. G Flip will have a lot of yeah, a lot of backing. If there's a year for them to grab it. This is the year. Yeah, that's that's. I'm gonna throw that out there. I'll say G Flip should win.
What's your plan for the big day? I'm going to, we're going to go to a party and I'm going to not look at my computer. I'm just going to, as you said, a lot of warm beers in a blow up pool.
Yeah. Shut my brain off. Listen to some music. Deal with it another time. Fair enough.
Well, I'll be commenting on every single post, should have been higher, get some momentum behind. And I'll be commenting on every single one of those. Here's a link to the book. Well, maybe you can hit up warm tuners and his AI bot, he might be able to sort you out with that. He can get you one of those bots. Just go bang, bang, bang, hit every single comment.
That is true. That'd be great. A little team up between me and my fellow triple J basement dweller. Yeah. I love it. All right.
Thank you very much for stopping by Tom. Enjoy the big day and look forward to seeing who takes it out. Thanks for a ride through triple J history. Thanks so much for having me. |
TheOnion | Robins_The_Perfect_Murder_Machine_Horrifying_Planet_Ep_4 | The American Robin heralds the beginning of spring in temperate climates across North America. Its red breast makes it easily identifiable as the most disturbingly efficient murderer in the animal kingdom. Here we see a robin rip a worm out of the ground with no moral hesitation whatsoever. This atrocity is but one in a series of cold-blooded murders this bird will commit in a single day. Although faeces-fuelled worms are themselves one of the most disgusting of all animals, the robin's cruelty remains indefensible. Some apologists might argue that robins need to eat worms to survive, but worms are capable of regeneration. So robins could satiate themselves on fractions of individual worms and leave the rest. But it does not. Unequivocal evidence of the robin's bloodlust. Robins inculcate their young with these twisted maws. Here we see an adult robin feeding its young with the ripped apart viscerae of an innocent worm. Like the Greek hero Atreus eating the flesh of his children at his own table, this black deed must surely curse the entire species.
Even the most depraved acts of humanity pale in comparison to the robin's wickedness. Psychopathy is too tender a description to attribute to the robin. Feeling and decency are simply absent from robin's psychology, as breath and blood are absent from the stone.
Like idiot rapists, they commit their foul deeds with neither foresight nor hindsight. They live entirely in the present. Living beyond space and time, their god is the awful seething maelstrom of chaos at the center of the unfeeling universe.
Does it not occur to you that you shackled the house's only black guy? Sexy banana pass! The sexy games are feeling a little forced. You're all gonna chew up a banana, you're gonna regurgitate it into this bucket, and then Aaron is going to drink from it. |
TheOnion | Newsroom_New_Wearable_Feedbags_Let_Americans_Eat_More_Move_Less | Fast food giant Yum Brands unveiled a product innovation this week that may change the way America eats, the fast food feed bag. Beginning today, diners will be able to strap on the wearable menu item at participating KFC, Long John Silver's, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut restaurants, making it easier than ever to eat on the go.
Something that we heard over and over again was, you know, I really love your food. I just wish it wasn't so much work to have to eat it.
So that's why we came up with the feed bag. It's hot, steamy food in your face right now. The feed bag meals are created by grinding the restaurant's most popular menu items into a flavorful textured food product. I got the Chipotle Chicken Loco Cabeza Bag.
Sometimes I don't feel like moving my arms, so this way you can just have it on your face close to your mouth so you don't have to pick anything up. The innovative design of the feed bag meals does away with the hassles of chewing and stopping to breathe while eating. Yum Brands is marketing the bags as a solution for multitasking professionals, as well as other busy Americans.
For an additional 50 cents, they'll just throw the soda right in there. You'll need to keep sucking it through the straw.
Parents say they like the convenience of the kids' meal feed bags. Yum Brands says it envisions a future when feed bags will be the standard form of eating in America. We're always looking for more efficient ways to get our food products into our customers' gaping moths.
And it's fun.
I mean, you can have breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, all simultaneously in one feed sack strapped to your face. Beginning next month, restaurants will add a version of the feed bag meals for dine-in customers, the family-style feed trough, as well as a drive-through version in which so-called feed hoses will gush food directly into customers' open mouths as they drive past the restaurant in their cars. |
ClickHole | watch_suspicious_package_unboxing | Hey, what's up guys?
Just found this suspicious package on my doorstep. I'm not really sure who or where it's from, but I thought I'd do a quick unboxing just to kind of show you guys what it's all about. Now you'll notice the packaging, pretty standard brown box, but somebody's punched some air holes into the left side here, and the bottom right is kind of wet. I can't be sure what the liquid is, but I don't think it's water. It could very well be toxic. Moving to the top of the package, you can see that it's been bound together with this kind of very filthy athletic tape.
Just a nice rustic touch, I think. Very cool. I don't think I've ever seen anything like that before. You'll also notice that it's been addressed in very prominent lettering to the world, which kind of adds a cool, another level of mystique to the whole thing.
But anyway, without further ado, let's open it up. All right, this tape's giving me a little bit of trouble here. Just sort of cut through all that. Boy, they really wrapped it up good here.
Okay, well, the first thing that pops out to me, just opening it up, is what appears to be an old crossword puzzle from a newspaper. Somebody's already taken the trouble of filling it out, and you'll see the word famine here a couple of times. But other than that, all the boxes are filled in with a series of zeros, sixes, and ones. Next thing I notice is that sort of all along the bottom here, you've got a bunch of pennies, just ordinary pennies.
I'm not really sure what that's about. Oh, I don't know if you can hear this, but the box actually just made a grunting sound. Definitely was not expecting that, so that was a very cool and neat surprise. Moving on here, it looks like we've got a jar that's stuffed with some kind of fish or something, and you'll notice that somebody's labeled it Barack Obama. Very interesting. Let's put that aside for now. Okay, so if that last item piqued your interest, then you're in for a treat. Here we've got a shattered hand mirror with somebody's scrawled portal to the goddamn truth on the handle. First impression, it feels very nice and smooth to the touch, and it's got some very pleasing contours. Okay, next thing we've got here is what appears to be two Barbie dolls fashioned into a crucifix, and Jesus, it's scaldingly hot. Okay, looks like just a couple of items left, a bunch more pennies, the earbuds, of course, and it looks like we've got an envelope in here with the return postage already put on, and it's addressed to my head. Opening it up, there's a little note in here that says, please enclose memories. Not really sure what to do with that, so I will just put it aside. Okay, so going into this, there were a lot of questions about what we'd find in the package, and having explored everything now, I've got to say, I've got 10 times as many questions as when I started. Overall, a very unique and provocative package. So that's the video. Thank you guys so much for watching, and let me know in the comments what you guys think about the suspicious package, or if you might be interested in getting one of your own. See you next time. |
SaturdayNightLive | dueling_joans_saturday_night_live | Now, once again, here is Joan Rivers. hey, grow up! I just came out to plug my album! Ahh! the selling them in the lobby, you'll love it. Here, take one home. I am Joan Rivers. you are Not Joan Rivers. I Am Joan Rivers. If you are Joan Rivers, you are Joan Rivers on steroids.
Oh!
Oh! you bitch! she's a bitch! I'm a bitch! She's a bitch?
Fine! All right, ladies? why don't you just be seated here? just scoot yourselves up on the stools. Now, this is what we're gonna do. we're going to give you each a series of categories, All right? and a time limit. Fine! Now, as each category is announced, you'll both respond accordingly. Are you ready? All right. ready! Freddie, First category.
Ugly! Go! Ugly! Christina Onassis is so ugly. she's such a dog, she catches a frisbee in her teeth.
Oh! oh! Oh, sure! Yeah!
Can we talk here? Can we talk?
What a dog! She carries a pooper scooper when she walks alone. Christina Onassis.
When I got married, they threw Alpone. Oh, no, no! no, no, no, no! I was the ugliest girl in high school. I had a scotch guard in my face because my dates would throw up on me, Okay? Okay? in college, I was a sweetheart, a Sigma Pig, Okay? I'm so ugly, my facelift was done by a proctologist, All right? Okay, proctology.
I believe that. Yeah, you would. I was so.
Guys, I dated. I dated a guy once who was a bedwetter. bad enough, he was a bedwetter, but he did it from the top of the bureau. cheap jokes. cheap jokes. that's what you like. Oh, grow up. I dated a guy who was so short he yawned in a pool hall and somebody shot an eight ball in his mouth, Okay? I went out with such a guy who was so dumb, he couldn't count to 21 unless he was naked. I dated a guy with such bad dandruff, they had to clean up after him with a snow shovel.
Snow shovel! snow shovel! I. unwanted as a child. unwanted as a child. Come on, come on, we're cooking now. I was unwanted as a child. my parents gave me an electric blanket and I was a bedwetter. My parents hated me. they hated me. they used to test my bathwater with my fate. my parents hated me. my mother took a look at me and joined a right to Death group. A Right to Death Group. Keep at it.
My parents would always say to me, why can't you be like your cousin Sheila? Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila? Sheila had died at birth, Okay?
Heidi Abramowitz. Heidi Abramowitz, the Tramp. A tramp? She was such a tramp, she had a row bar over her bed. Heidi is listed in the yellow pages as a public utility. The woman is a tramp, She has landing lights on her stomach. Oh, you don't know, she has the word next tattooed on her thigh. the woman is a tramp that had a movie named after her, Easy. Heidi Abramowitz has 16 G-spots, Alright? that didn't work.
I never liked it anywhere.
Liz Taylor. One nice thing about having Liz to dinner is when you buy a pizza, you don't have to cut it into slices. you, Liz Taylor doll, you wind it up and eat your arm, Okay? Okay. she's the only person I know who lives alone and has a 20-slice toaster. I gave Liz Taylor the Jane Fonda workout book. she ate it. that was good. she is fat, her blood type is ragu. Favorite joke. she's eating for two now, herself in California, okay? The woman smokes Virginia Fats. Oh, she is fat, she could moon Europe. She is fat, this woman. this woman, she's back now with Burton, they call him Hamlet and Piglet.
Oh, oh, Liz in a play, right? Liz is in a play now? Now, that is theater in the Round. Listen, can we talk here for a second? this is not going to work. it's working. Yes, it's not working. the audience does not know which is me and which is not me. Oh, I am Joan Rivers. I am Joan Rivers. there's only one day to tell.
My husband Edgar is that sick. Edgar. I'm going to call my husband Edgar. put a bag over Edgar's head. like he does to me every night. Edgar, come out here. he will know the real ones. My husband Edgar. My husband. Edgar will know that I am Joan Rivers. Feel the hair, feel the hair. go ahead, Edgar. man loves my hair. I recognize the touch, I'm sorry. feel my face. Yes, yes, yes. now the chest, that will be the mine. Oh, thank you, Edgar. Edgar, Edgar, Edgar. same to you. |
SaturdayNightLive | pbs_newshour_republican_momentum_cold_open_snl | This is the Pbs Newshour. we're what your grandma is talking about when she says, I saw this on the news. With the midterms less than two weeks away, Republicans appear to be surging, with a strong closing message from candidates who have gone from underdogs to stars of the Republican party. But how? Tonight, we talk to three of them. First, senate candidate from Georgia, Hershel Walker. yeah, hello, Judas. my name is Hershel Walker, Texas Ranger, and I'm running for President of the United Airlines. next is Pennsylvania's republican senate candidate, Dr. Oz. Hello, Judy. my Pennsylvania fillies are in the World Series, and I just had a delicious Philadelphia cheese and Steak. Yum! And also joining us is Arizona's Republican candidate for Governor, Kerry Lake. great to be with you, Judy, on your sweet little show full of lies. Okay, well, all three of you have been gaining in the polls the past few weeks, despite none of you having any political experience.
That's absolutely right. I'm proud of it.
Mr. Walker, you're now within three points of Senator Rafael Warnock. Why is your support growing?
And that's where I don't know. the whole world is a mystery. ain't it? For example, a thermos, it keeps the hot things hot, but also the cold things cold. My question is, how do we decide? So we're going to be looking into that very much.
Well, you've had a tough campaign. a second woman has now claimed you paid for her abortion, and your ex-wife has said you once held a gun to her head. Why are millions of Georgia residents still voting for you?
Gas. Okay. gas prices are high, but is there more to it than that? Well, of course there is.
I'm fine. Look, if you want to get on a jumbotron at the Falcons game, you don't throw on a card again and start making sense. you take your shirt off and you shake your belly around. that's what I'm doing. And people love me, no matter what. Like the great Trump Donald said, I could pay for an abortion in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose any voters. And that's a promise from me, Herschel, with Capodamus. very well.
Now, Dr. Oz, you've caught up to your opponent, John Federman, recently, surprising many in the media. I sure have. let's remember, I was a long shot, Judy, but I always told myself you can win this election if you're honest, if you're fair, and if your opponent has a debilitating medical emergency. So we're very lucky. Got it. Ms. Lake, you've pulled ahead of your democratic opponent, Arizona Secretary of State Katie Hobbs. Yes, I have. Now, you were a local news anchor and a democrat for many years. Correct. and yet you're gaining voters.
Why? Because I'm normal, Judy. I'm just a regular hometown gal, constantly in soft focus and lit like a 90s Cinemax soft core.
And frankly, I've just clicked with many of the wonderful, terrified elderly people here in Arizona. the Florida of the West. Also, I'm a fighter. in my life, I've sent back over 2,000 salads. And I'm not afraid to do the same thing with democracy. very well. Now, one of your main campaign issues is the denial of the 2020 election. can you media types just get over the one thing I've made the center of my campaign for months and months? Arizonans want to talk about the issues that affect them, like crime in New York or crime in Detroit. And the most pressing issue, drag queen story time. men dressing as loud, sassy women introducing children to the joys of reading, not on my watch. hey, can you pass it to me, please? I'm open.
Listen, Judas, we got babies in school out here identifying as a pokemon. okay. and that's crazy. You know, my son is a boy. last time I checked by text. you know, he certainly ain't no snorlax. And that's just science. excuse me, I'm getting all worked up right now. my head is getting very, very hot.
Judy, we need to take care of ourselves. And I recommend the miraculous Alpha Cyclodextrin to help them lose 30 pounds in just one calendar day. Great. Now, Ms. Lake, you have proposed some big changes to local voting laws. if you become Governor, do you promise to make sure everyone's vote counts? Judy, I'll make it easy. if the people of Arizona elect me, I'll make sure they never have to vote ever again.
Now, some people are saying that kind of election denialism contributes to violence. violent? What do you mean? like crazy-eyed men in tactical gear waving assault rifles next to ballot boxes? that's just Arizona, baby. Look, nothing I say can be incendiary because I say it in Tv voice.
So jump on into Kerry Lake, Arizona, because it's placid and serene on top. But underneath, it's a whole lot of giardia. Ms. Lake, thank you for being here. |
SaturdayNightLive | why_d_you_like_it_snl | It's the game show you love to like. It's why'd you like it with your host Denny Down Again, welcome to why'd you like it? The game show where we ask contestants? why'd you like it? I'm your Host Denny Down again. Tonight's contestants are Beth.
Hi. can't wait to play Kenny! What's up, y'all? let's do this and Brad. Excited to be here. Denny. I'm still not totally sure what the show is, but looking forward to finding out.
Well, the game is easy. we show you a picture that you liked on Instagram and ask you the simple question, why'd you like it? So Brad, why don't we start with you? Oh, oh, okay on March 19th, you liked this photo. So the question is, why'd you like it?
She's my friend. I like her dog. I thought she was attractive.
Still doesn't explain why you liked it. I mean you could have just looked at it, but you did the double tap. So the question remains Why?
I guess some part of me thought that if I liked it she would see that I liked it and then she would follow me back. and then we dm and then maybe at some point. I don't know. she'd want to have sex with me. Just to be clear, your girlfriend is here tonight. She she is.
Yeah, you are a stupid man. I really didn't understand the premise of the show. You can't pass.
All right, Two weeks ago you liked this photo. Oh okay, that's odd. that's not even bad. All right, then this question should be easy. why'd you like it?
I'm culture. I'd like to point out that this art photo was posted by Megan Thee Stallion 28 million followers and averages 2 million likes proposed. So again, why do you like it? I'm a fan of her music. I'm a fan of her art. I'm a fan of Instagram and general. Okay, I guess I saw that post was getting less likes than the ones with Megan's face and booty So I thought if I like this one it's more likely she see it and she know that I like her for more than her body, but like for her mind and then it'd be like a nodding heel type of situation. she dm me.
One thing leads to another and pretty soon. we're having sex. Wow, that's pathetic. Do not speak.
Can I leave is no. Okay, well this should be easy for me because I don't go around liking thirst traps on Instagram because yesterday you liked this photo from 2017. Seems fine. it is a picture of your ex-boyfriend's sister. so why'd you like it? we still keep in touch? I'd like her dog water waterfall you scrolled back five years to like it. Okay, I thought that if I liked the photo she'd see my name pop up on her feed and remember that I was nice and then maybe at the next family dinner. she turned to my ex and be like, you know who I miss and then my ex would dm me and say we should grab coffee sometime and cut to two hours later and we're raw dogging in a Starbucks bathroom.
What is wrong with you people? You know what that sound means, you know, we don't know.
Well, it's time for round two, why do you follow them? In this round I show you an Instagram profile and the only thing you have to do is tell me why do you follow him? hey, it's not gonna happen. All right. let's get that profile up. you all follow Joe Biden. Why?
He's the President. He knows Obama.
During the election, I felt like it was. I was doing enough politically. So I thought following Joe Biden was literally the least I could do. Ooh, so close and I thought maybe if someone political saw I was following him, they'd want to have sex with me.
I'm gonna kill you. I wasn't gonna do anything unless one of them dmed me and commented on some of my photos. All right. all right. look, maybe in the past I've been pretty shallow when it comes to social media, but thanks to this game show, I now realize social media is not my friend and maybe it's time to get off this thing for good. All right. Well, in the time it took for the camera to cut to me just now, you liked unliked and liked again this photo. I'm sorry. I cannot change. understood. we'll be right back after the break with round three. Why did you react to the instagram story despite never meeting them? Thanks for watching! |
dropout | hardly_working_shrinking_ray | Most unlikely of heroes. Charge aren't being consistent.
Oh! Yes!
My shrinking right is here. Shrinking right?
Yeah, I ordered it from Amazon. .com? Nope. Let's try it out. Oh my... It worked! That's awesome. Do me. Alright, stand back, Jake. Next stop, adventure. I guess the battery died. Hm. Alright, wanna get lunch? Yeah. Wait! You guys, down here!
Can you see me? Jake, we can see you.
Stop yelling. Thank God! We have to figure out a way to get me back to normal! You are normal.
What are you talking about? Look at that.
He is two inches shorter. I know that because we had that measuring tournament back in March, remember?
David! David, you have to help me! Hey! Who is yelling in here? Jeff!
No! Don't step on me! Why would I step on you? Alright, David, get me out of here. Be careful. The tremors of your footsteps could crush my tiny bones! No! Oh my God.
Sarah! I can see you! Sarah! You have to help me!
I can't live like this, okay? It's horrible.
I'm almost as short as Jeff! Hey! Yeah, shorter than I am.
Okay. You'll have to get me out of here. I'll hide in your purse.
What? No!
Jake! Stop! You're not tiny! Stop! Get out of my purse!
You're crushing me!
There's nothing to be afraid of! Hey guys, remember Cheerios? Well, they're back and they're awesome.
No! God! David, don't eat me! No! David! |
cracked | what_movie_ghost_would_you_rather_be_haunted_by_after_hours_the_sixth_sense_the_ring | They specifically say it was a graveyard smash enjoyed by the old ghosts. It's about one last hurrah for the lost and GI generations of Boris Karlov.
Yeah, you're right. It catches on with the Flash. Maybe not for anyone in the modern world, but...
It's just the monster, the ghouls from their abodes, Wolfman, Tracheal and his sons, Igor on the trains, and the coffinbangers. You forgot the Cryptkeeper Five. Ah, the coffinbangers are the Cryptkeeper Five.
Oh, I started the thing, like a costume thing. Then I started this other thing, and then when I was done with that thing, I forgot about the first thing, the costume thing. Is it Halloween? I don't do costumes.
Come here. I don't have email. You gave me your email address! No, home address.
Kimia at Pacific Net. As in a net, I sleep near on the Pacific.
Anyway, I don't do phones and computers, okay? Not since I saw those Ring movies.
It's like my grandpa always said, never let a ghost crawl through your television. Ghosts do love technology. Yeah, because they know that we love technology. Poltergeist, the Ring, that Slipknot dude from Sinister. They rely on the living seeing their mumbo-core death films.
They're like goth art students. Ooh, they're exactly like goth art students.
They even use old film formats. Right? Those characters have to go out of their way to get cursed in those films. Like the new Ring movie starts with a college professor digging up that old VHS and purposefully spreading it. In Sinister, Ethan Hawke is investigating the family that lived in the house, prompting him to see those old attic reels. There's nothing formidable about a spooky curse that has the same prerequisite as Nana's home movies.
It's actually kind of silly how much the Phantom World relies on us. Like in Sinister, the death contraptions are made by the children, not the demons. Because demons can't interact with the physical world? Wait, I only saw the trailer. So you're saying that Tree Gallo's rig was made by that little girl and the killer lawnmower and the chained up car?
All the kids. That means that that demon had to stand there and instruct those children how to make all of that. He had to patiently walk them through, measuring and cutting rope and creating counterweights and sawing wood and creating a pulley system.
I mean, that, that, that... Actually, that's kind of adorable. No, that's wildly pitiful.
The humans basically have to haunt themselves. Exactly. I mean, all you have to do is avoid technology. The girl from the Ring, she basically calls you and schedules a time for when she's going to crawl out of your TV. Seven days. Uh, as if you're going to pencil that in and not just run away to the wilderness. Nice! But, you know, it's better than that, not doing any of those things. So what if there was a ghost you could totally overpower by just like watching TV or playing video games? I'm listening. Okay. So, aside from killing you, what's the other reason that ghosts haunt people in movies? To make sex pottery. To tell the living who killed them. Yes.
Not the, the second thing. Not the pottery. Jesus, Carmen. Not the pottery, Carmen.
In movies like Stir of Echoes and What Lies Beneath and Gothica and The Sixth Sense, all these ghosts are just trying to warn people about who killed them. But they're not getting revenge or poltergeising up a police report. They're just jump-scaring and knocking old photos off of shelves. They're not trying to hurt you. You're in no danger. But you'll have to solve their murders.
Do I? Or, can I just zone out in front of Rick and Morty? Start to help them, but then get sleepy and forget about the whole Halloween costume thing.
Ghosts are just dusty old dopes. So, you're okay living the rest of your life being harassed by frustrated ghosts? It's no different than living with a sibling who jumps out at you every once in a while. Eventually, I would just resign myself to brushing my teeth while a wretched old hag is lurking behind me in the mirror. I don't know, I don't think anybody can live with the crippling anxiety of being shadowed by the undying ghost of a murder victim.
Mmm, except drugs exist. A couple of Valium, these are Oxycontin, and I am not afraid of any of the ghosts. Or get weed. Ghosts hate weed. Yeah, he's right. Ghosts like Freddy Krueger and Pennywise rely on your nightmares. Weed can literally suppress REM sleep. It also gets you high.
Not to mention that in It, his powers and weaknesses depend on whether you believe in something hard enough. This is battery acid, you slime! Oh yeah, that kid from It believed that his inhaler would hurt the clown, and his belief made it real. And you know what else I believe can hurt clowns?
A knife stabbed to the neck. Ha ha, right, or a gun. Or a tooth-lew right between the hair tufts.
For a lot of these goons, it's like mind over matter. That's why my ideal haunting is a ghost that tries to influence your actions, or something like that. Ghosts are just like former people. I can deal with people.
Like that Lloyd the bartender guy? If he's so clever, why is he still a bartender in the afterlife? That's why I would lead him along for a couple more ghost drinks, a couple more spirits, if you will. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a, like a, like a spooky beer.
The movies, like The Shining, Innkeepers, Lights Out, The Conjuring, they rely on the protagonists being tricked into going into a dark room or following a suspicious noise. They can get my black ass. If I hear like a child or something crying from a dark alley, I will be running in the opposite direction.
From an injured child? That's what it wants you to think. But what if it wants you to think that because it is an injured child?
Ghosts can't get injured. I know that, but what I mean. Look, we all agree not to help the scheming injured child, but what if it's not a ghost? What if it's a demon or a cursed item? It's the same principle. In movies like Paranormal Activity or Oculus, they feed off of your negative emotions. You just say, hell to the motherf***er not and keep it pushing. Also, value would probably help. I don't know, I feel like every situation has like a huge amount of unpleasantness that you'd have to deal with for potentially the rest of your life. Well, yeah, it's ghosts. I mean, no matter what you pick, you're gonna have to be on your guard somehow. Your classic ghost isn't going around rattling chains just to help people.
What is this? What's going on? What's happening in your brain right now?
A Christmas Carol! Oh, yes, that's my ideal haunting, okay? Still, technically a horror film because the ghosts are all ghoulish and scary, but these Christmas spirits just want to improve your life, okay? They just want you to be kinder to family and friends and not ignore their wants and needs or their emails or not have an email, okay? This is the only haunting where the endgame is to improve the living. Scrooge hit the jackpot, okay? He got three immortal life coaches who travel through time and teach him not to baw home bug his friend's holiday spirit.
And at the end, he is engaging with people. He's not leaving them in poverty or sadness or to walk by Dodger's stadium looking like a disheveled Yankees fan. They threw a rock at me.
Wait, wait, wait. Your ideal haunting is to be pestered by three crotchety old white men telling me what they think is best? No, yeah, no, you're right. I don't want to know the politics of a guy who calls himself the ghost of Christmas past. We all know what news channel he's watching. Yeah, and probably while waving his fists and saying, whatever happened to my Transylvania tweez? Like a song?
Yeah, like a circle, circle. I hate circles. Because they're rock shaped.
Low blow, man. Did it hit your leg? You're like mean. I shouldn't have threw a rock at you.
Hey everybody, I'm Cody. And I'm Carmen. |
cracked | the_scientific_explanation_for_people_who_believe_in_ghosts | God, they never turn the AC off, do they? It's because we're all trying to get you to chill out. It's like sixth sense levels in here.
I can see my breath. And I can hear it a lot. Like while I'm working. You should talk to somebody about that, a doctor. Wait a minute. Do you even hear the AC? No, I don't hear it.
So what? Unaccountable pockets of extreme cold? Wait, is this the part where you think that we're haunted by cracked ghosts? Is it? That's what I think, yeah. So I guess it's that part. Well, that's 100% impossible.
People see ghosts all the time. A few sightings here and there. There have been literally thousands of ghost sightings observed by people from every walk of life, often in specific rooms or buildings. Some have even been corroborated by other people who were neither aware of the first person's story, nor of the possibility that the place they were standing in was haunted.
You prepped for this? Did you turn off the AC, or were you just prepared to bend whatever conversation we had towards ghosts? Yeah, the second one. Good technique. I learned it on TV from a ghost scientist. Fun.
Well, years ago, an actual scientist, Vladimir Gavrou, noticed that one of his staff members was bleeding inexplicably from the ears. Blood banshees? I've heard of those. It's this creature with unfinished business that passes over from the other side through a nexus point. No. It was caused by a low-level noise called infrasound, basically responsible for like 75% of all human suffering. Side effects include bloody ears and an inexplicable sense of dread. It's invisible, it's inaudible, and it's everywhere. It happens in nature all the time. And how did Vlady figure this out? He banged a bunch of pipes near his assistant's ears and then wrote down when they started bleeding. But scientifically, whatever the scientific version of that is. You're saying ghosts are pipes?
Yeah, obviously. There's also this other guy, Vic Tandy.
He worked in a lab. And he and his colleagues all started to get visions. They started to see things, figures, out of the corners of their eyes. Eye banshees. Vic thought so, too. So he checked the lab to make sure there wasn't a gas leak, or a chemical spill, or a bunch of mice running around the floorboards. And he noticed that all of the visions were happening in one specific area of the lab.
The crematorium, where the townspeople burned the child molester alive.
No. It was right under this huge, silent ceiling fan, which creates the only new word you learned today. Infrasound. What part of ghosts or pipes is hard to understand? I don't know the pipes part.
I can't say the R, can I? Can I?
NASA determined that the force of the infrasound from the fan is enough to cause vibrations in the eyeballs that might look like figures. The visions, the dread, the chills, all of it is infrasound. Infrasound is mother nature's necromancer.
Like a superpower. Like a supernatural power.
No. There's nothing supernatural about it. It's science. It's just low sound. All right. Yishus. Infrasound. I think I can see that one. They're in the pipes. Ugh.
Hey, I'm Nick. I work at the IT department for Cracked. Please subscribe so the guys can continue doing more antics and jokes in the office, and I can stop doing my job.
Woo! Party noises! Hey, Nick. I'm a party. I'm a bigger party. I'm a party. We've been the partiest. Listen to the party. Hey, what are they? Party always. Hey! |
cracked | why_every_awesome_fictional_school_would_kill_you_the_cracked_podcast | Please welcome to the stage, the Cracked Popcast Live! What's up, UCB Sunset? My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the Editor-in-Chief of Cracked. And joining me on stage is the warm beating heart and big swinging dick of crack.com, Mr. Daniel O'Brien! This podcast is about, it's back to school time, right?
Yeah. Am I right? We're going to be talking about fictional schools, and specifically which ones you'd like to attend, you'd like to be going back to. If I had to guess, I'd say you were going to pick Footloose because they hit women and prohibit dancing and settle everything with tractor fights just like you. Right, yeah. I just want to make it clear that it is Footloose pre-Kevin Bacon. I want no dancing at all. Right. Pre-liberation Footloose. Very comfortable zone for me.
I think mine is fast times because parents don't exist in that universe. And I think that if I were to go back to school, the worst part of that would be losing all my human rights. Parents are the worst, right guys? Parents just don't understand.
See? I'm hip. I'm with it.
And one important caveat is you don't get to choose who you are. You're basically yourself. And we're going to ask you guys to come up and give your answers. But it can't be like, I want to go back to Ferris Bueller's Day Off High School because I'd be Ferris. You wouldn't be Ferris. You'd be... Nice try, Cameron. You'd be the person painting, say Ferris, on the water tower.
We have a podium up there because we have a tremendous roster of writers and comedians who are going to come out here and pitch their favorite fictional school. And I think it's up to you, the audience, if they get to stay on stage and hang out with us. So should we get started, or did you want to talk about... I'll talk briefly about...we're going to see how deep a cut this is as far as name recognition.
Bronson Alcott High! Damn, silence. We'll fix that in post. Man, they went crazy. That's the school from Clueless, which is... Size and recognition. That's what everyone wants. And there's something really great about the simplicity of Clueless that we stay right in the beginning. Those are where the burnouts go, and those are where the jocks go, and those are where us fancy Clueless folks go.
And everyone knows their place, and it's really comfortable, and nobody bothers anyone. They're all friends with each other, and if you're a total spaz, there's a chance that the coolest people in school will just fix you. And they'll say to your face, it's like, hey, you're broken, but hang out with us for a while, and we'll put you exactly where you're supposed to go, and everything will be fine.
And I could have used that at 15 through 28. I think that's a good answer, Dan. Thanks, Jack. Is that it? Yep. Good night. Thank you guys so much for coming. Thank you.
All right, coming up first is a very funny writer and performer from crack.com. He's also a stand-up who's appeared on tomorrow's show, Ice House, at the Laugh Factory. He enters every stage that he walks on to. Cock first. Please welcome Alex Schmidt, a.k.a. Steven McMahon.
How's it going? Yeah. I would like to go for the first time in forever to Starfleet Academy. It would be amazing. Yeah. All right. That's 10 things I hate about you. Is that correct?
They can just do that. There's very little word processing going on. There's very little programming that I can see done by people and aliens. It's a lot of people just walking up to a computer saying, computer, pull up the solution to this problem, and then it's done, and it's set.
That seems like a very wonderful place to go to school in, because then you can really focus on whatever it is you're actually passionate about, and whatever you want to be up to. I still feel like at an academic level, like on a day-to-day going to school basis, I would be bummed, and I don't want to make any assumptions, but you would be too, because neither of us, if I can speak at a turn, are Kirk's. Would you say that's fair? Yeah. I'm going to jump in. It's fair.
So you're just non-Kirk at this school, and then suddenly, the cool guy on the motorcycle gets to rule the school, because he's just got that natural coolness that neither of us possess. There's no real lesson in there. I think it seems like a school that is very into bar fights. Not only in this New Kelvin timeline, that was Kirk's application, was to get in a bar fight in front of a guy.
What is the core curriculum? What is the basic education level in Starfleet? Because I feel like it's got to be so scattered, because any time anything happens, one person on the ship knows what it means and has to explain it to everyone else. Yeah. It's partly cultural, which is good that it's a diverse thing. But also, the curriculum is fantastic. Well, I get the sense from the way people talk about it is, what's the big story from people's Starfleet Academy experience?
It's Kobayashi Maru day. It's the day where we did the no-win mission, and we all learned that some missions are no-win, except one time Kirk hacked it. But that seems to be the only time it was hard. Basically, they went to school and had one day that was not even hard to pass. It was just aggravating. You aren't going to pass, so it's fine. It's like a pass-fail day, and then the rest of it is just like having sex with aliens, because apparently you can, and meeting new people, and eventually having the bar fight that launches you into the space.
It's the most diverse school we're probably going to find. You know, cultures from all over... I was about to say the world, but... The Quadrant, yeah.
It seems like the engineering program is amazing. It's really good if you want to just get into engineering. Especially with Scotty and the original show, just every week it would be the captain saying, hey, I need you to make the ship do a thing that, even with our tech, is physically impossible. Scotty says, I don't know if I can, and then he defies God. That was a good program, whatever they did. At worst, they don't kill genius. It's really great.
Give it up for Alec Schmidt. Thank you. Up next is a comedian, writer, and fashionista. She writes for Pajiba, has appeared at Meltdown, Iowa West, All Jane Comedy Festival, on Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, and will be appearing on a new MTV show called Acting Out. Please give it up for Riley Silverman.
So I'm here to talk about Hogwarts, and I feel like I'm the only one who has to be here. Now granted, I can find a queer metaphor in just about anything, because I am two layers of queer and English major, so it's a pretty good combination. But with Harry Potter and Hogwarts, it's really pretty easy to make one.
The only Harry Potter literally lived in a closet. Like, I lived in a closet. There's a school that I can go to. I lived in a closet. I was surrounded by people I didn't fit in with, and I thought I was the only one like me in the world, and now here's a whole school full of people just like me.
The only downside is that once in a while a kid dies. Like, that's the only...
What are post-graduation jobs like for wizards that don't end up teaching at Hogwarts? What is that field? Because if they're learning magic and how to visualize the thing that scares them the most and how to ride brooms and so on, that doesn't leave a lot of room for math and English and like taxes. I mean, there are some retail jobs. Obviously, there's a guy selling wands. You got your Ollivanders. You got your servers working in the broomsticks. But I've got to be serving in a restaurant where I can just do this and my busy work is done. I've learned not to ask Harry Potter questions to a person with a wand. It's a good general policy.
I feel like just becoming a wizard at all, maybe it's not even Hogwarts specific, but just like a life of wizardry is like a life of kind of hiding all the time, right? It's because of the statute of secrecy and everything. You're just running around constantly not letting me see you do anything. To me, it's almost like being queer and like there's a point in time. Like, oh, we have our own bars without windows.
Like, we're fine. We're doing okay.
Also, the moving stairs are indefensible. That's not helpful to anyone. That it just constantly randomizes. I don't like it.
Hot take. Hot fair point. Not for me. Give it up for Riley Silverman. Give it up for Alex Schmidt.
All right, coming up next is a Los Angeles comedian who hosts a podcast called Lady to Lady and does a show called Picture This where comics have their jokes illustrated behind them. And her album, Opinion Cave, was number one on iTunes. Her favorite year is 1998. I don't know why I have that in my introduction. Please give it up for Brandi Posey.
I'm talking about Walkerville Elementary who is home of the Magic School Bus and Ms. Frizzle. So I'm talking about first out of the gate, our school. No guns, no phasers, no wands. Out of the gate, I'll just say that. Nobody dies at Walkerville Elementary.
Schools are made by their teachers, not by their buildings. You have a fancy castle who gives a shit about that. Slaves probably built it. It might be true, actually. This has become such a contentious podcast about fictional schools.
But I love Ms. Frizzle because Ms. Frizzle is very like, she's very personable, but she's also really good at keeping a distance, which I think is really important for a lot of the teachers that you're going to hear about tonight because she has an air of mystery. She's not involved with her students' personal lives. Super creepy.
But they go on all of these amazing field trips. They literally become bees to learn about pollination. Do you do that at Hogwarts?
No, you don't. I just want to say art books are written by a single mother who was just trying to make ends meet. You know nothing of Joanna Cole's life.
That's probably true. Touche.
I also think it's really important to note that Walkerville Elementary is a public school. A lot of the schools we've heard about tonight are private institutions for the one percent. Nobody that went to Walkerville Elementary is going to vote for Trump because when you've been baked into a cake was somebody different from you.
And then you lived to not only tell about it, but also understand the chemical combustion that almost killed you. That's how tolerance happens. That's actually true. I can back that up.
Up next is a hilarious writer and performer at Cracked.com. He grew up on a boat. He goes by many nicknames. Sarge the Surge. Please give it up for Joshua Sargent.
When I was picking my school, I thought a lot about it. And I thought to myself, what makes a good school? You want a place that is going to give you a strong formal education, and you want a place that is going to emotionally prepare you for the difficulties of adulthood. And so I decided to go with Sunnydale High from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now I know what you're thinking.
There's one obvious problem, which is that Sunnydale is a suburb in Southern California, so it's going to be really expensive to live here. As you know, financial stress is one of the biggest contributors to a poor academic performance. But they specify in Season 6, Episode 20, Villains, that the property value is really low in Sunnydale because of all the unexplained murders.
So if you look at Sunnydale High, we have one student who built a sentient robot that could pass as human while they were still a high school student, and another student who made a concoction that turned him into a giant, murderous... Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. And he's 16. That's incredible. I can't do that. Very impressed with the results we're getting from Sunnydale High.
Yes, there are a lot of demons. Most of them are metaphors for common problems. If you, say, are struggling with your sexual orientation, odds are you're going to meet your gay vampire doppelganger from another universe, and you can talk with them and discuss those issues. So I just can't think of a downside. And nobody else can either. All communities have a problem. And you do your best to get over them. You address them. And Sunnydale, I don't know if you know this, the only place in the world with an active vampire slayer, they destroy the school with a giant snake demon from hell, rebuilt it the next year, and everything's fine. There's an elephant in the room, and it's all the deaths?
Yeah. I guess... Well, I'm convinced. Listen, I just, having watched every episode of Buffy so many times, I can't understand how anyone fails to avoid a vampire. They are so obviously vampires, immediately. Sounds like a bunch of dumb kids who weren't educated properly. Get into video games, get into Dungeons and Dragons, stay in. That's fine.
Don't go out at night and then leave fucking Sunnydale when you graduate high school. You should leave town anyway when you graduate high school. None of the best parts of high school happen going out at night, so...
Again, I wouldn't know. Is it true? Is going out at night fun? In regards to the deaths, season seven does end with all of Sunnydale being swallowed into hell, and that seems like it's not great, but that's... No, no, go on. That's where this is all headed anyway. So I say head first.
Give it up for Joshua Sargent, the vampire player. Thank you. Brandi Posey. All right. Serge, you're Stan. Brandi, thank you very much.
Up next is one of the new faces of comedy in 2015 at the Just For Last Comedy Festival. These days, he's just a face of comedy. He's appeared at Bridgetown Comedy Festival.
Largo, please give it up for Steven Wilbur. Yay-el. Where are my Harvard people? Oh. But the one that I would like to attend the most is this little high school in Albuquerque, New Mexico, called East High, which... All right.
Which is the setting of the popular high school musical Disney Channel original movies. They've got a thriving theater program. They've got not a too overwhelming curriculum, which, as far as I can tell from watching these goddamn movies, it starts with homeroom, which is theater class, free period, and then theater class, and then basketball class, and then detention, which is theater class, again. And it's got nothing like discrimination. Everyone's allowed to be there.
There's no teen pregnancy. There's no foodborne illnesses. There's no asbestos. There's no bats.
None of that.
There's every click there, like at any school, any click you can think of. There's the jocks, and the pretty nerds, and the skater-y guys, and all three of those clicks, and runs a gamut of clicks. But then, at any moment, when the divine muse, Euterpe, strikes her lightning down upon these children, everybody just gets up, starts twirling around, never missing a step, all singing in perfect harmony, and they're united by the power of song.
But my favorite part about East High, in Albuquerque, and it's been stressed a lot tonight, no one f***ing dies there. No one's going to die. You're safe.
Starfleet f***ing sci-fi Columbine. As research for your presentation, I watched the musical number We're All in This Together. That's on you. That's your phone. Sounds like a fairly divisive number, Jack. Exactly. Very, very... The message boards are furious about this one. It sounded kind of like the inside of the head of a stupid person as they go insane. Kenny Ortega, writer and director of High School Musical. I have a question. Yes.
You say no deaths at this high school, but... Except stolen hearts. Oh, deaths. If I went to high school with a bunch of musical kids singing Rent in the f***ing hallways, I would kill myself.
Well, that's one way you could take it. If you insert yourself in this world, you could be like, hey, I'm going along, get your head in the game, all like that. Or you could be that outside element, that Fonzie, watch the world burn. Fonzie wasn't like that, but you could go in and... I think that's the Joker. I think you're picking him. Hey, Mr. C, I'm gonna need you to kill us. Hey, Fonzie!
All right, give it up for Stephen Wilbur. Give it up for Brandy Posey. All right, I think Stephen gets it. Thanks, Brandy.
All right, and finally, we have another hilarious comedian. She writes for Comedy Central, McSweeney's, Splitsider, basically all the websites I visit on a regular basis. She's appeared all over the place doing standing up comedy, including Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Please welcome Allison Levy.
Well, let's talk about the ultimate high school that I think everybody wanted to go to, which is Bayside High, Home of the Tigers, on Saved by the Bell. Yes? We're all good? I wanted to pick a school where I related to somebody that actually went there, and I strongly relate to Jesse Spano, just because we're both really aggressive feminists with frizzy hair and a light pill addiction. I think we all remember when Jesse was overwhelmed with not only her studies and the SAT so she could get into Stansberry, which was Stanford, and she started taking caffeine pills and was taking them too much, and we all remember the famed Emmy Award-winning moment, where it should have been at least, when Zach climbs through her window to be like, hey, what's up, girl, you have a problem, and then she did the, I'll act it out for you, in case we all forget that.
I'm so excited! I'm so scared!
That was brilliant. And then he was like, Jesse, you can't take caffeine pills anymore, they're bad for you, and she was like, okay. And then she just wasn't addicted to pills anymore. Can you imagine if we could just do that for every high school addict? Like, the cure is just like, Mark Paul Gosler comes through your window, you sing a Pointer Sisters song, and it's over? Everybody I know went to rehab.
There was no cafeteria, they just have a hip burger joint with a magician that works there, and that's where they got all their food. There's all these thin people walking around, and they're like, burger and a milkshake for lunch.
I'm like, what? I also appreciate a world where a loud-mouthed feminist could date a lightly misogynistic hunk. I just think that that's a little match made in heaven and one that I'm familiar with in real life, and it never ends up that cute. She's like, you're a pig, and then in the real world, he's like, then don't date me anymore. And I'm like, I'm sorry.
One thing I'm going to ding you on is, you said that you can easily quit a pill addiction. You can easily quit a caffeine pill addiction. By switching to coffee.
Right. It was just a really cool place to be, I think. The popular sport was wrestling. What? Not in this America.
I do feel like you have the easiest to manipulate adults at Bayside. Mr. Belding is basically, you can hoe him out. He just becomes like your... Whatever you want him to do. We'll do whatever for those kids. If you attended Bayside, do you see yourself being able to integrate yourself with that core group, or would you be with the tertiary characters? I could get into that group, I think. I'm manipulative. I like lying. I feel like I could get in there. Just befriend Jesse and be like, man, are pigs! And then like, f*** later, and be like, I did it!
I'll leave you, everybody. And I think that's all the time we have, everybody. Thank you very much. |
cracked | 4_true_stories_of_the_least_glorious_fist_fights_ever_writer_s_room | If the Fart Monster General doesn't orgasm, then the sketch doesn't make any sense. Orgasm is not something you can just throw into the end of a sketch. It's going to be hilarious.
Fight, fight, fight, fight. That was quick. I'm not going to fight. I'm not going to fight each other. Have you never actually been in a real fight before? Because I have.
I was like in middle school and there was a gang in my town called the Rat Pack. It was a very small town. I was on Rollerblades and a guy got off his bike with all of his friends, and one of them punched me in the face. I just kept walking because I was afraid to interact with him. When I say gang, I also mean these kids were younger than us. It was a foot shorter than I was.
When you said that you got into a fight, you meant to say, I'm a liar and here's the story. That's good though. You won the fight. You took the high road. Winning the fight implies that you exert effort. He did. It takes a lot of effort to not fight. Your position on this, because this has been a great shame for me for a long time, that I never fought this kid. You find that you were just a coward and afraid of him. Thank you. Being a coward is very brave. I don't like the way you're saying it, but I believe you.
My sister was my big battleground. You fought on your sister? I fought on my sister. You fought someone else over her, yes.
No, she was off. She used to hit me with anything, like wooden hairbrushes. That's not a fight. That's abuse. She was striking you with objects? She would just hit me a lot for all the times, all the reasons. Eventually, there was a time I could anticipate she was about to attack me.
And I saw it. I did the calculations.
I hooked under her. I lifted her above my head and I smashed her to the ground. You body slammed your sister. Yeah, I smashed her and the look on her face, she looked down on the ground and she looked up and she goes, I'm sorry.
And then she died. She apologized in her last breath before she died? No, she didn't die.
But I'll just say, things have been really good now. It's been like a month and stuff has been going really good.
I bit a kid. You didn't like it, yeah. No, in preschool, I bit his elbow off.
You probably couldn't feel that because that skin is very... Yeah, but think, once you go like this, then it opens. It kind of just spread. That's not an easy bite. That's not just a one and done. You'd really have to gnaw through it because it's often skinned right there. I went down and then I just tore a little bit so that these teeth could really get in there and then I just took the skin off.
It didn't bleed a lot, but it did hurt. It was a really dry day out. There were the Santa Anas and so it got all like... Yeah, it hurt.
Why did you invite that child? He didn't want to play the game I wanted to play. We were watching, well like pretending to watch a movie in preschool and he wanted to watch Robin Hood and I want to watch Aladdin and he wouldn't relent. Yes, Cody. Your game is pretending to watch a movie? Yeah, we would sit and we would watch the movie and that was... That was your fantasy, not to be in the movie. No, just to watch it. Can I ask if you guys were both not watching a real movie and you're disagreeing about which movie to watch. Couldn't you just face different directions?
Did someone's elbow have to get bitten off is the question I'm asking. I think in this situation, yes, someone's elbow did have to get rid of it. Yeah, bitten off. Well, no, my mom, they sent a note pinned home with me so I didn't lose it and my mom read it and it said, Katie bit Zachary today.
The weird thing is she seems to feel no remorse about it. So you clearly still don't.
No, he was being a jerk. He was being a jerk? He was being a jerk and when people are jerks, they have to be like, you know, put in their place.
It's just not justified that you didn't play your game and you bit his elbow off, which I don't think regenerates. I think they had to graft skin from his calf to his elbow. So he's got like smooth baby elbows. But like grody, rough calves.
I've been in one fight in my life and I still feel terrible about it. It was because I hurt a person. It was like sixth grade and like I didn't like him. He was a bit of a jerk and he accidentally shoved me into another person I did not like. So I don't know what happened because I blacked out and then like 15, 20 seconds later, he was on the ground crying, like holding his self.
You're the Hulk. You're the Hulk? Yeah, you should have woken up in a zoo naked. Hey.
What did I do? Like I instantly begged him not to tell anyone and then he was going to. Don't tell him I'm the Hulk. Because I bruised his ribs. He didn't go to school the next day. You bruised his, how old were you? I was sixth grade. Were you a super child? You bruised his ribs with your fists, with like flurry punches?
Yeah, I've got something inside me. Action. Okay, all right. I got just a couple seconds here. What do I got, huh? Hey, did you watch this video in a zip file? It's filed, but it could be like a file. I don't actually know what's in here. Oh, I had the drive to subscribe to crack's channel using my cellular phone. That's not really as good. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Dutton_Tells_Price_She_Was_Useful_During_Referendum_But_Us_Whitefellas_Can_Take_ | you're listening to a DM podcast you're listening to the Batutah advocates weekly news wrap on desert rock FM 96.5 all right buddy Batutah buddy weekly yo fellas my name is Clancy overall my name is Wennell Hussey and I'm Effie Bateman yeah well you know I've been reading the Sydney Morning Herald okay the Sydney elite private school newsletter apparently there's a bit of a the school council at one of those schools has come up with with a cunning ruse of allowing females within the school gates geez big problems down there in the steak and kidney out there you would have thought that maybe there was a historic you know pedophile sex crime thing going on there but no not that kind of outrage we've seen this is maybe one of the biggest stories to come out of this elite system in a long time the fact that it's made news in Queensland is hilarious and we at the Batutah advocate have decided to conscientiously object I like that it's made news in Melbourne as well and they're pretending like they you know didn't spend two weeks talking about a haircut at one of those types of schools back in the day back in the day look I think look I think there's calls for these types of schools to be banned I think once you start banning certain types of schools Wendell Hussey it's a bit of a slippery slope I mean sure you do send your son or your daughter off to these schools and they come out the other side I can't invariably but uh but I think society does need people like that yeah it takes all types you need the downer dynasty right you need those look look Australia is a rich tapestry of people like Alexander downer and Malcolm Turnbull and Tony Abbott all the way down to you you know other Melbourneites like Stephen Irwin and Peter Brock Jeff Kennett Jeff Kennett Jeff Kennett would not like this move that's for sure what I will say is that these schools should be made to give half of their training ovals to the state who build medium to high-density housing on it and the same with all private golf courses but that's probably a bit too radical for those Sydney types just I have managed to scroll down about 10 pages through Wikipedia and I've found the notable alumni of Newington College old Newingtonians yeah and it is just littered with all those and nobles fucking three-letter things MLA's OBS MLC's lots of honorables AM's OAM go to the criminal page the criminal page the PNG prime minister sir Peter Bartell he'd be up to his fucking neck in crime wouldn't he they've got a quite a list here no wonder they don't let Sheila's in to dilute this I'm sure this is very entertaining for all of our readers and listeners all over the country but look fuck me they've had a lot of rugby union players look at that rowers rugby league play sailing they would add some Sydney swans to probably o'neill Perry the ponytail the ponytail who hates gas anyway would on board of this we should get into the biggest news stories of the week that is one of them but we as I said touchy interestly object to following the Sydney Morning Herald model of just writing about writing about schools that all those fucking journalists went to and yeah changes to the prefect structure boring let's take it out of that light rail echo chamber that Australian media tends to live in and let's go to Alice Springs what was the biggest story we're going national the opposition leader Peter Dutton has told Jacinta price that she was really useful during the referendum but us white fellas can take it from here yes it's official nearly four months after the 2023 indigenous voice referendum and senator Jacinta price has expended her political usefulness to the Liberal Party and that's seen opposition leader Peter Dutton have to fly to Alice Springs to tell her face to face he did this in a market respect for all the hard work she did in helping the coalition undermine the generous proposal offered to Australia by leading indigenous community leaders and in turn activating a brave army of online bigots who still plague social media and slurs against Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people to this day yes and we have the grab here from Dutton sassy J he did a real solid during the referendum Lord knows how he managed to get the media to avoid linking me or Pauline Hanson to the campaign you and Warren did wonderfully you really did but unfortunately this is where the road ends thank you all the best Jacinta now moving on to another hard-hitting story Strava has announced the launch of a new walking home piece from the pub feature very popular yes in a groundbreaking move to cater to the vast number of Aussies who get the majority of their cardio in on Friday nights Strava has proudly announced the launch of an exciting new feature Strava known for its promotion of a healthy lifestyle and showing your friends how much healthier you are compared to them has finally acknowledged the fact that many people steps are being made up on late-night walks home the new feature promises to accurately log the staggering steps backtracks and even stops to us random people if they have a lighter or even a spare cigarette as local pub enthusiasts and avid walker Jason Brody 26 told us finally my nightly trek home on Friday can out compete my boring mates that go running in the next morning haha yo much more entertaining than saying you know some corporate guy get up and do 30 K's on it's five guys in 20 minutes that's the that's the like the dream you've got to achieve five guys in 20 minutes you reckon you could do that chalk knees no way I know I don't think I could have ever done that that's forming a kilometers yeah that's what that's what these people are striving for which would be fucking hard when you got stop lights and shit like pedestrian crossings yeah you're gonna have to go and find an oval like a big like round kind of park you can have an Arboretum a run some sort of a run it's a bit of a waste though because you know as everyone knows a human heart is only born with a certain amount of beats and if you waste them by going for like a run around a park I mean like and and people turn around it's like he died at 55 and people are like he was so fit it's like well spoken true elderly media stuff all of these heartbeats yeah that's running around the battery theory is true the bet that's the battery theory it is not true it's not proven but it is you know a lot of people to believe Donald Trump's believer in the battery that's why personal trainers and athletes age in dog years mmm fair enough use it all up on red wine cigarettes long lunches a yep your heart racing over a big steak anyway what's next what gives me a entertainment news right up your alley Errol Parker does your cat has revealed that she is wondering if the hottest 100 is another YouTube show featuring spicy food yes in case you've missed it controversial American musician the cat dog won the hottest 100 music competition over the weekend which has left people who claim to be music diehards furious at one of their darling Australian music industry plans didn't win wink wink it's also left the feline artist herself quite amused by the whole thing that's right in not so unfamiliar mix-up that highlights the cultural delusion many Australians have about their presence in their minds of Americans pop star doja cat has been left utterly perplexed after receiving news that she has won the prestigious hottest 100 which is a countdown of a hundred songs that young people like provided by our taxpayer funded public broadcaster as doja cat came out to say is this like that hot wings eating interview show on YouTube or the truth or dare one with the spicy food I did so many of those dumb shows during my promo run I can't even keep up but yeah thanks she was very good on the hot ones where you do the hot sauce there she also has a notoriously torrid relationship with her fans and she finished that interview saying I don't even care about Australia I've never met Australians fuck Australians all those fans can go fuck themselves well you know we do have Stockholm syndrome in Australia we love people who hate us like Prince Philip so that's probably only banks yeah as earlier banks it's only made her fan you know a fan base stronger here and Winston Churchill he didn't like us I think send us out there as cannon fodder well cuz are you guys familiar with the the jingle from the song that won the song it's bitch I said what I said I'd rather be famous instead it's all about her fans getting upset because she just talks heaps of shit about him good honor yeah controversial figure finishing up with sports news now and the headline reads like this women's tennis is reserve grade says 24 match W AFL superstar Basil Zemplus it was a busy weekend for the Western Australian media establishment who had to frantically rush to protect one of their own Perth Lord Mayor and former TV presenter Basil Zemplus after he was caught on a hot mic referring to the Australian Open Tennis women's final as quote the reserve game one of those blokes is not really noteworthy to anyone east of Kalgoorlie Basil has already fucked up his pivot to state politics that he was supposed to be announcing for said cameras the footage of his most recent gaff was accidentally broadcast by lesson known Perth online news organization WAMN news which is why it saw the light of day without the intervention of Kerry Stokes Peter Costello or the Murdoch power brokers who desperately need a new premier who does what they tell him to do yes and Zemplus has since clarified that it was not the intended words he was using in some weird kind of convoluted explanation that definitely contradicts the look on his face when he was told the microphones were on but you have to look at all the footage in a whole context things understand I'm sharp lefties let me shut down women's shelters in the middle of the city because rich people are complaining about there being broken glass on the streets anyway that's all from us this week we probably have reached our quota of Western Australian news stories for the year thank you Basil unless someone like loses nuclear waste or some shit like that yeah well you know Gina Rina falls down the stairs at the fucking Flemington or someone on minimum wage is able to find a rental in Perth yes probably not anyway thank you for listening to the weekly to the board goodbye blog one |
dropout | american_eagle_outfitters_skinny_skinny_jeans_prank | Hey have you guys seen our new style of jeans? We have this new cut of jeans It's called the skinny skinny. Do you guys want to check this out? If jeggings are too baggy These are perfect. Imagine pants, but made out of the softest spiderweb. It's a spray on denim technically scientifically it is Jeans, it's super eco-friendly like that would hold up in any court of law. Look at jeans. Yeah Yeah, it looks like a jean, but if you use, I mean, it looks like a jean but not like jeans. But not too jean.
How are they fitting? Those are it. Are you sure? And don't they look good? Wait, those are your legs They actually they come in.
Could you do a lunge in like regular denim jeans? No, no way And I'm like, yeah, they're very flexible and I can like do a lot and stuff with them. I can move my legs a lot Yeah, big deal What?
This junk's hanging out man. I like them on all my girls. Yeah, I don't know about the guy. I like them on girls though I need like a woman's opinion. Do you think these are too much? Yeah. Do you think they look okay? These are so cool and they're so different.
It's a good product. It's a it's a great product. Can I spray? Well, there's one more thing about the product Was it bad? Well, it's not real.
Look into that mirror And then also look into that mirror over there and that mirror because all those are cameras and you are absolutely right This is an April pool day prank It's not real The pants are really just a body paint we've got professional artists in the back painting up people's legs I like think they're cool. I know part of me loves them. That's really fun. Wave to the camera Happy April pool day Sir, we got a runner |
dropout | the_michael_showalter_showalter_with_jack_mcbrayer | Hey, Jack. Hi. Thanks for coming by. Thanks for joining the show. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Really good to meet you.
Yes. So, did you bring Tina? Tina Fey? Yeah. Oh, no? Because we had said that, you know, it would be cool if you brought Tina with you because we know that you're doing 30 Rock and stuff.
So I don't know if she's on her way. We have time. So we can wait for a little while.
I didn't know anything about that.
Oh, okay. If y'all called her, then let's do it, but... Okay. So she knocked on me.
Hello. I'm Michael Showalter, and you're watching the Michael Showalter Showalter tonight. My very special guest is actor and comedian Jack McPher. Hello. How are you, Jack?
Thanks for coming on the show. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me.
Yeah. What do you work on?
I'm on NBC's 30 Rock, and it's been a lot of fun. We just won the Emmy back in September.
And what's your background? Well, I am from Georgia.
I didn't get involved with performing until I went to Chicago, second city of Olympic. Second city is where I'm at, Tina Fey.
She's great. She's fantastic. She's so funny. She's great. So talented. Super smart lady. She's so funny and talented. She's really fantastic. She's really good. She's such a big fan of hers.
Yeah. All right. Well, that's cool. The Emmys. Are you still talking about that? She won the award because she was a producer, but we all got to go on stage at the Emmys. Oh, that must have been fun for you. Yeah. You guys have gotten a real blast out of that. Yeah. It must have been a real thrill for someone like you. Tina, I just had a little conversation with one of our producers and stuff. Okay.
And we're actually running pretty short on time. So we'd love to have you back any time you want. But I don't think we're not really going to have time to do it today.
It's a fucking stupid word, industry word, but we're going to bump. You've been bumped. Okay. So anyway, but thanks for coming by. I mean, do you have somebody else that you were going to? No.
What kind of music do you like? I mean, do you- Beatles or Stones? Beatles.
We can edit around it so if there's any kind of dead space or anything like that, we just pull it out in the edit room.
What's your favorite color? Green.
Do you want me to come back because I can't come back? No, no, no, no. We have to knock this out. I'm going to a movie at seven, so I want to bang this one out.
If the NBC people were supposed to talk to me or if your people were supposed to talk to me, none of that happened.
And that's fine. It's not your fault. You don't have to apologize for it. It's not my fault. We agree on that.
So what I know happened was that I sent an email. Who did that email go to? I was given an email.
Would you rather have Tina Fey here than me? Well, obviously. That's fine. I will leave and you just send an email to Tina Fey's people. Okay.
Do you have that info? Could you give me that email?
No, you're going to have to call- Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Okay. Don't be mad at me. Jack McPher. Hold on a second. All right.
Talk to my producer. We want to do the interview. You do want to do the interview. We want to do the interview.
Without Tina Fey. That was never an issue. No.
You brought me here. Ask me questions. Ask me questions about me and what I do and my job. You want me to ask you this question. That's why I'm here.
What is it like working with Tina Fey? It's great. She's smart. She's funny. She gave me the job. We'll do like working with Will Ferrell. It's great. He's great. He's so funny.
This is so stupid.
Why did you have me here? I showed up because they told me that you wanted to interview me.
Who's they? I don't know. Who's they today? I don't know.
Your team, Jack. No. You were not good at your job.
Thank you for doing the show. Please come again. Tell Tina we're here.
And we're going to be back here- Is this Jack McPher? Yeah. And we're going to be back here next time with someone else. Better. Thank you very much. |
dropout | toon_tang_ep_1 | People say they're prostitutes. I don't like that word, prostitute.
Right this way, hon, Del Mar will introduce you to the girls. You could say Del Mar's the daddy and I'm more of the mom around here. Galway, I'd like to introduce you to the ladies. Hi, Gary.
I don't want none of them. So you want me to try this on? I don't want you to sniff it. Oh, sniff it again.
It's 250 for a slipper party. Of course, we don't have to stop there. Do we? I feel like an office! Take me to the ball, baby!
We use these to keep a close watch on the hour time limit. It's especially important for Cindy, what with the spell. Well, we just have to be careful.
Where do you want to take me? On the bed? Against the wall? On the tiger? That's right, the sister bed.
Del Mar and I have a special relationship. It doesn't matter what we do all day. We know we're coming home to each other.
And Jennifer has a different arrangement than the other girls. She only works by appointment.
Oh, mercy me, the carpet does not match the curtains. We need to do some posterior deck writing near your butt talk. Get the fuck out of here, asshole! Whoa, that is not civil disobedience. And... I lost my article. I'll find it! It's like an anaconda pressed up against a plate glass window. Sometimes, when I get bored, I use this. Well, it's a living. Oh no! Cindy! |
cracked | 4_bizarre_rules_for_naming_fictional_characters | Citing a character in a movie or TV show is always difficult. For efficiency and simplicity's sake, it would be great if all of our protagonists could be named Froff, Hugh's protagonist, and Shaniqua likes Daniel a lot, and all of our villains could be named Elvira hates dogs and Chad, but things don't work that way. There are rules to naming fictional characters.
It just so happens that all of those rules are stupid.
When Bioware had to come up with a name for the main character of Mass Effect, they could have taken it in a million different directions, from Hugh Mann to Baldwhite McWhitewhite, but then they apparently noticed that their protagonist sacrifices and later resurrects himself to save the universe from a race of mortal horror bots, so they simply decided to name him Commander Shepard. You don't need to be a biblical scholar to notice the similarities between that and the Good Shepherd, the biblical street name used by Jesus Christ. But hey, guy who sacrifices himself gets named Shepard. That's cute, but it probably only happened that one time, right? Wrong asshole. Guy who had to sacrifice himself to save people? Sounds like John Connor from the Terminator franchise, another savior of humanity who just so happens to share the same initials with the Son of God, or John Carpenter, the alien who dies, resurrects, and saves humanity in the day the earth stood still, mainly because Christ's substitute isn't technically a real name. Then again, neither is Jericho Kane, and yet that was the name chosen for Schwarzenegger's character in End of Days, where he saves the world by dying in an epic battle with Satan. Or how about Jack Shepard, the dude who sacrifices himself so everyone else in Lost can live. Except all of those many, many people who died. By naming their character some variation of Shepard, or JC, writers are basically spoiling their own movies, because Jesus-type characters are almost always destined to sacrifice themselves at some point. It happened with Stu Shepard from Phone Booth, who starts out as a jerk but by the end of the movie is trying to take a bullet to save the lives of two innocent women, and Bruce Willis's James Cole in 12 Monkeys, who ends up getting shot as he tries to save the world from deadly virus. But what happens if a villain is named Shepard, you shout at your screen not knowing how computers work? To add to your technological confusion, I'll tell you, when you name a villain Shepard, it almost guarantees that he'll be the vilest type of criminal imaginable, because an evil Shepard is really just another way of saying anti-Jesus. That's actually a pretty spot-on description of Art Shepard from Desperate Housewives, pedophile, Jack Shepard from the movie Frequency, serial killer, and Tony Shepard from the imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, who is so cartoonishly twisted he fucking sells children's organs on the black market.
Really, the only way for that character to somehow be more evil is if his or her first name was a series of spoilers for Game of Thrones. Hey, speaking of Game of Thrones spoilers, hold it. There are weapons in Game of Thrones. Speaking of weapons, when Luke Skywalker knighted Leia and Han's daughter, Jaina Solo, in the Star Wars extended universe, he gave the brave warrior the title Sword of the Jedi.
Nerd! Oh my god, did I just bully myself? Jesus Christ. I mean, Jericho O'Connor. Shit. I legit forgot, which is the real JC at this point, the one that we all like.
Anyway, those characters and other good guys like Swordmaster from Afro Samurai, the swordsmith from Heroes, were named after weapons which we associate with nobility, honor, and bravery. But when you weren't looking, pop culture has decided to assign more arbitrary qualities to weapons and the people named after them, proclaiming that while swords are good, Hammers are villainous dickheads, and blades are either pure evil or anti-heroic. For example, in the awesome Dr. Harbaugh sing-along blog, Captain Hammer is a character who, while the hero of the town, is clearly the villain of our story. And also, the Hammer is his penis, which actually puts him in the same category as Justin Hammer from Iron Man 2, whose only role in the movie was to be A, evil, and B, a total dick. See, also the fact that Hammerhead is both a villain in Spider-Man and Dick Tracy, and that Mr. Hammer is a bad guy in Batman Arkham City.
And, if I'm stretching, MC Hammer. He stole a lot of those songs. Uh oh, uh oh.
I'm pretty sure something traumatic must have happened between every comic book writer ever and their doctor, considering how many comic book villains have doctor either in their name or on their resume. Don't believe me? Look at DC's villains, Dr. Light, Dr. Phosphorus, Dr. Savanna, and a big portion of Batman villains who sport PhDs, Hugo Strange, Boys and Ivy, Harley Quinn, the Scarecrow, etc. On the Marvel front, you have iconic bad guys like Doctor's, Octopus, and Doom. But what's really interesting here is that when Marvel comics have superheroes with doctorates, the characters almost never refer to their proper titles. Mr. Fantastic has a doctorate, as does Tony Stark. But, do they bring it up? Big f***ing Dr. No additional villain. It would be easy to chalk all of this up to our fear of progress and technology, which can be used for evil in the wrong hands, like the ones of the mad scientist, Dr. Rottweig from Metropolis, or Dr. Blight from Captain Planet. But then, there are movies like The Princess and the Frog and its villain, Dr. Facilier, who wasn't even really a doctor. He just calls himself that because Disney hates doctors too?
Is it because they wouldn't freeze your brain, Walt? Get over it. You're dead.
On the other end of the moral alignment spectrum, you have military captains who all seem to be upright, honorable, and solitary heroes. Many comic book superheroes can attest to that, like Captain America, Captain Adam, or Captain Marvel. In TV Land, there's Captain Jack Harkness from Dr. whom, Captain Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce from MASH, and Captain Kirk, the last of whom actually gets killed in a fight with the evil Dr. Soren in Star Trek Generations, which might not have happened if Kirk had been a colonel, or a doctor, or a colonel-doctor, like in Scrubs.
Uh-oh.
Can't touch this. Naming villains is hard because as much as you'd like to name your bad guy, gun-death-punch-face-enstein, there's always that boring adult voice in your head telling you to maybe spend more than five minutes thinking it through. But if you're in a hurry, you can thankfully just go with a name that has Mal in it. Call it a day.
Mal comes from the Latin malus, meaning bad or evil. Fictional names starting with Mal are the easiest way to let the audience know that your character eats orphans and poops them out in the shapes of tiny swastikas. It's most often seen with fantasy characters like Maleficent, the demonic sorceress from Sleeping Beauty, or the Satan-esque Malbolgia from Spawn. More recently, you have the Malphoys from Harry Potter who are, we're all adults here, they're f***ing wizard Nazis, they're Nazi f***ing wizards. And Malekith, the accursed, whom you might have seen trying to kill the god of thunder and the very notion of subtle writing in Thor 2. The world of science fiction also has no shortage of evil Mal characters from the rank or tamer in Star Wars called Malekili. The Space Nazi in Star Trek Enterprise was called Malek, and the horned guy in Phantom Menace was called Darth Maul, which Maul is close to Mal, but even closer to Maul, which is also a violent and terrible thing.
Mauling. Like what bears do. All of which leads me to my ultimate conclusion that if you ever see a fictional villain named something like Dr. Mallory Blade Shepherd with two P's, just assume that she starts each day with a breakfast of fresh infant spleens and battery acid. And we'll continue to do so until Captain John C. Shepherdchrist kills her with a sword, like a crucifix sword.
Hey, thanks for watching that video. Please subscribe to our YouTube channel if you liked it and you want to see more videos like it. If you didn't like the video, hit subscribe on our YouTube channel and a message will be sent to me saying that you didn't like it and I will feel really bad so you will hurt my feelings. Just again, subscribe if you liked it or if you want to hurt me, click subscribe and that'll work. Thanks. |
dropout | cheers_hardly_working | Big night ahead of us, boys. A little bit of drinking, a little bit of dancing, and a little bit of that which shall not be named. Voldemort. Cheers to that. David, we didn't get to with our bottles. So where are we going tonight?
Marquis or Butter? Marquis. Yeah, very good. Because Butter actually closed two weeks ago today.
Remember last time we were there, Amir got so drunk he actually danced under the table? Yeah, those two uggo-fugos were dancing all up on ya. I got a news slash for you guys. Those two uggo-fugos were you guys.
You'll see. One hell of a night. I'll drink to that. Did you guys see the game last night? Kobe was on a failure. Yeah, a fan through a Molotov cocktail, Adam. Really scary stuff. Yeah, I'll tell you what, it's true what they say. David, David, you'll like this. In basketball, ten seconds can be an eternity.
So my dad has season tickets. Who would love to go the next time the Bucks are in town?
I am sorry. Gave those tickets to Sue Seal, my lady friend. Ugh, women. They'll read you like a game and play you like a book. Cheers to what I just said. I don't understand. Glass fight. Sit down. Wow, I just realized today is the 7th anniversary of September 11, 2004.
Bjorn's last day. Bjorn.
You know what, guys? I'm all out of beer. Come on, just do it anyway. No, man, that is bad luck. All right, well give them some of your beer. What's your problem?
Relax, man, the moment's passed. No, it hasn't.
What's that famous icon I'm sorry, Ted Danson? Becker.
What's the opposite of jeers? I don't know, compliments?
What are we sitting on right now? Chairs?
Close enough. Come here. What are you doing? Cheers me. No. Cheers me, motherfucker. No. Come on. Yes. Do it. I need this. You guys ready to go? Yeah. Let's do it. |
dropout | world_s_worst_dine_and_dashers | Your check, sir. Thank you very much.
Okay, it's now or never. Are you ready? Dude, I'm so ready. I've always wanted to dine and dash. Okay, let's do it.
Three, two... Hey, come back here! Oh, crap. We can't dine and dash now. What are we gonna do? Wait. Wait, this might actually be better for us. I mean, there is no way they would expect two tables to dine and dash back to... What is going on?! Damn it! Is someone sending out a memo? Alright, look. Two tables, three tables. It doesn't matter. We're doing this. Three, two... Wait! What?
I have to put on my shoes. Why did you take them off? Why wouldn't I?
It's a sign of respect for the Japanese. But this isn't a Japanese restaurant. That doesn't mean I stop respecting them.
Whatever. Are you ready? Yeah. Three, two, one... Go! Wait!
We forgot to pay. Oh, you're right. I can't believe we forgot to pay. I can't believe we forgot something so simple.
I mean... Oh, my God.
Wait! That's the whole point! Wait! Forgot! Oh, man. Wait! Look! The waiter isn't even paying attention, okay? It's now or never. Go! Oh, wormhole! Shoot!
Those are inconvenient. Can't even get out now. There's an endangered condor nested at the front door for you. Why don't we just move it?
Excuse me? Are you a certified condor expert? I didn't think so. Excuse me, sirs. Oh, sorry.
We just had to stretch our legs. You know how sitting makes you and all that and we... What Chuck is trying to say is we just had to stretch our legs. You know, how sitting makes you and all that and we...
Uh... Right. I'll be back in a moment.
What did we do?
The condor's flying away.
This is the most majestic, incredible thing I've ever seen. I wish everyone could see what we're seeing right now.
Wait! If the condor is gone, that means we're in the clear. Let's go! For the good of humanity, you must not fire and dash. Yes, for the sake of all mankind. Quickly! We must return!
Okay, that was weird. Yeah. I think we'd have gotten used to that by now. Look, I don't think we're going to be able to do this. Look, at this point we should just pay. Or... What?
We don't pay.
Wasn't that the original plan? Yes, I just wanted to put it back on the table.
I'm in! Okay! This is our last chance. Three, two... Hey, Jane! Chuck!
How are you guys? Mind if I join you? You guys look great! |
SaturdayNightLive | outrageous_clown_squad_kickspit_dirt_festival_saturday_night_live | Stag Mouth Soda presents the Underground Rock Minute, bringing you all the latest in underground rock and rock. Dj Super Soak again. and our little blaster. Yeah, today we're going to show you the new video from the Thriller Killer Clowns, Yo. you may know that previous, more violent songs like I'ma Stab Your Face and Kirk Stomp Your Enthusiasm. Aw, yeah! I love that song! But this song, this new one takes the band in a whole new direction. true, true. it's got a positive message, and yo, it makes you think. Yeah, that's right. he is thriller, killer clowns with magical mysteries. y'all gon' love it! ha ha ha, yeah! so many confusing things out there, damn, damn, damn.
Well, get your magnifying glasses out, ninjas, and take a closer look at life, life, life! the world is full of magical mysteries, puzzles unsolved since ancient history. Where does the sun hide at night? did people really used to live in black and white and white? is the world round? is it flat? How come no one can tell me that?
Like, what's with islands? get more land! What's with deserts? get less sand! What is Alaska? Who is Brazil? isn't a volcano just an angry hill?
How did God even think of dirt? erasable pants make my head hurt! metal, girls, iron, fire! How'd they get my voice in a telephone? Why? Why are pants different than shirts? Fucking blankets.
How did they work? the world is full of mysteries. How do suitcases always know where to meet you? Huh? So many magical mysteries. Are children small or just far away? Why are there so many mysteries? ha ha! Why do some mountains look like presidents? they would stop trying to touch the trees. what the f**k is a clock? Now here's just a list of some stuff. trees, swans, caves, a horse. triangles, witches, a different horse. horse, horse, horse.
Two horses. the whole world's got 10,000 people. And Santa Claus created all of us equal. Astane's kids look just like Astane. and my two kids look just like Astane.
So open your mind, but shut off your brain. the mysteries of life can't be explained. So f**k you, books. we don't need your tricks. And all you scientists who suck on f**k, it's all magic.
Oh, yeah, ninjas. life is a beautiful thing. ha ha! J2 Fresh, Ask Dan 2010. ha ha! that was tight. but for real, you know, on a serious tip, ask Dan did just die while we were playing that video there. Ooh, ooh. yeah. that's all the time we got for the Underground Rock minute. I'm Little Blaster. and I'm Dj Super Soul. Get your car gone. Woo hoo hoo hoo! |
dropout | total_novice_aerial_silks_live | Hi everyone, thank you for watching our latest live video. We're about to play a little game called Total Novice. I'm here with Grant O'Brien and Zachoyama. They're about to compete in something that they have never done before in their lives.
In fact, they're not even sure what they're about to do. You have any guesses based on where we are? Do you want to? Well, we were told to wear, like, athletic clothes, and I am.
But then we, I walked into this room and it feels sort of like a, there's a sheet there so I can't see what's beyond it, but it feels like an artist loft.
Okay. There's a lot of chests. My guess is that you're going to have a squeeze into one of these chunks and then mail us somewhere. All right, well why don't we go take a look? All right. That's also my guess.
It's a super cool room, too, with, like, velvet curtains.
Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I'm too high, though. Oh, but you're really too high, though. No, you're so high.
Wow!
This is Chanel. Chanel. Chanel, this is Grant and Zach.
That was amazing. Thank you. That was amazing.
I know that, you know, cut your breath just a little bit here after that, but in case you haven't caught on, these are Ariel's silks. And in just a moment, you're going to be competing. You won't have to go as long as Chanel did.
I can't. Yes. I would not be able to.
You'll have two minutes to do your best job that you can. You don't have to use the whole time if you don't want to, but we're giving you two minutes to do the best that you can.
Chanel. Sorry.
They're saying talk louder, Mike. Oh, I see. I'll aim towards the microphone.
You will be judged by Chanel and her assistant, Sarah. And, yeah, now that I think you've had a bit of time to catch your breath, you want to tell us a little bit about what this was and a little bit of a crash course on how to do it. Yeah, so today, you're in the Lucien Dossier studio, and these are aerial silks for fabric or tissue, whatever you want to call them.
I've been doing it for, like, five years. How did you get it started? I saw a performance by Lucien Dossier, and it inspired me, and I've been a dancer in my life, so I went on with it, and we were about to do the same.
Oh, God. Yeah, I'm going to do exactly the same. That's what's going to happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not going to do anything remotely similar to anything like this. Or athletic anything?
I once took a trapeze class, and I walked in, and I said, oh, I can do this. I'm going to swing, I'm going to catch the thing, and that'll be that.
And I climbed with such, like, swagger, and then I got to the top, and I said, I am so afraid. I am so high in the air and afraid right now.
But I have no reason to think I'm not going to smoke Zach at this. I'm going to smoke Zach at this. Zach, how do you feel about that?
I have seen Grant do most things that you would do in, like, an office setting. You know, we threw a football the other day, and I could see how just, like, strange his body moves. So I'm just kind of feeling like, I feel like, I feel pretty coordinated. I've never done anything like this, per se.
But I just know that I will be better than Grant. I don't know if I will be good.
Okay, well, we obviously want you guys to be safe. So don't feel like this is an exercise in daring. So you don't have to go as high as Chanel did.
It's 100%, though. Like, sure, 100% is an exercise in daring between the two of us. But a fair one. 100% is.
I guess what I'm saying is, don't break a leg. Sure. Don't hurt yourself.
And to that end, we also want you to be properly stretched and limbered up. So if you don't mind doing some stretching, we'll talk a little bit more about this before we jump into it. You're both pretty confident that you'll come out victorious here at the end. I'm worried I might lose this stretching contest. Before I even get on there, I think I might lose at this. It's a contortionist, so she's going to lead us in a little short stretch.
Okay, perfect. What do you think? I'm thinking maybe, first of all, extending arms above. That's a good one. Really connecting your feet to the ground, because obviously they will not be on the ground when you are in the air. Good. Your last chance of touching this. Nice deep breaths, breathing in through the nostrils of your feet. Yeah. Smells great. I know. And on the exhale, take your arms out to the side, reach down to your toes. Okay.
Now, how do you, how are you expecting these two gentlemen to do on their first time? All right, so we're, you know, I don't know what Sarah's going to be judging them on, but I'm going to be judging you guys today on your connection to the apparatus, enhance, maybe your interpretation of the music, and some fluid, interesting transitions.
Okay. Yep. And the music we'll be using is the same music that, oh, okay. All right. Exactly.
How, what, how did you, like, what is the process, the learning process? How do they, because we're, we're throwing these guys right into the deep end, but what would be like the first step for, if you were not, not trying to scare someone.
Well, actually, Sarah has a wonderful phrase that goes, engage your core, leave your judgment at the door. Judgment at the door.
All right. And so that's a big thing, right? I agree.
Although we will be judging you today, and we're not going to be taking it easy on you. Which of the two of us off the bat do you think has more core strength? Well, you already are cheating a little bit, taking a trapeze class before.
Yeah. Listen, I'm ready to go. So he has experience. Yeah.
So, but that doesn't mean anything. No, it doesn't. I don't think it means anything.
No, and I'm just, I'm excited to see you. I'm just going to unfold here.
All right. Literally. More will be revealed. All right. Are you guys ready to jump into it? How could we not be? All right. Well, you're just going to put a little craft pad under first. Yes.
Because there's a much greater possibility that one of you will fall. And again, if he wants to keep you safe, please don't break anything.
What's the matter? I've heard both. This isn't what we're talking about here. We're on the same side.
All right. Ready? In whatever order you want. Just the first one.
All right. Wait.
Would you like to go first? I'd like Grant to go first.
Shit. All right. I'd like Sarah to say what she's going to be judging them on, just so it's fair. Perfect. We've got to go over this again. Sure.
So, of course, the skill level is very important, but also bold character choices.
Okay. Now, this is where I'm going to excel. I agree. Thank you.
We'll see. We will see.
Yeah. So, bold character choices. And then also, grace and angelic nature. All right. Grace and angelic. Grace and angelic nature. Yes. That's one category. Grace and angelic nature. Grace and angelic. These are all things that we're judging them on. Bold character choices. Uh-huh. Grace and angelic nature. I have a quick question before we start. Absolutely.
How do you do this?
All right. Well, you just sort of... Yeah. Do it? Do this for me. Yeah. Just like that.
How are you guys at climbing rope in gym class? I never did that. Who climbs a rope in gym class? What year is it? Do you ever climb a rope?
No. All right. I'm, uh... It's actually very confident. All right. Great. Are you ready? Who? I want to climb a rope. All right. Ready?
And here you're hopping. Yeah, yeah. You hear all that? You'll wrap your mind. Feel hip action. Ooh. I just really wanted to see this. Yes. And the other way. Judge us on this. Yeah.
Nope. Not going to happen.
Okay. I mean, we are, but... Okay. All right. Yeah.
Maybe some splits and get yourself up there. Yes, some splits.
All right. Oh. Okay. We'll be right back when you're done stretching. You can join us over here. All right. In the peanut gallery. Great. All right. Done stretching. All right. Okay.
So, remember... So, get my new grant. You may want to take off your socks.
Okay. Uh-huh. Bold character choices. Uh-huh.
I'm going to tell you guys something. I'm not going to do this funny. I'm really going to go for it.
All right. When you're ready, nod to RJ and he'll start the music. Ready.
Whoa. Nice sliding. That's pretty angelic. Fully on the ground. All right. A little bit of swinging. The muscles really straining. All right. Some swinging going on here.
Guys we come into the solos. He's doing the, hold on, my sock is stuck on my foot with my d faded. Wait, wait, hold on, I swear I'm coming to bed.
All right. Definitely thought that was being followed. Are you making more or less confident in your side? I think I will at least be off the ground. Okay. Chanel, Sarah, what do you think? Yeah, so actually, I'm just going to wait for him to, you know, come over here. I want some connection. That's okay. Alright, come on over. Stand right here.
So, I was actually really impressed with your vocabulary. Thank you very much. I am well-spoken on silks. Well, we found that you explored in the beginning the cupid's prayer chest, that sort of wrap around the knees and the sort of little swing back and forth that you're doing has developed a really powerful story. Also, the flexed pelican at the end with the feet and the inversion. What I wanted to communicate, I think, was a sense of exploration and playfulness. You know, for these silks in particular. I know you're out of breath, but it sounds like you're choking up a little bit, like talking about your art. I think that's what's happening. I got a very joyful energy from them, and I tried to communicate that to you.
Okay, well, what I did notice is there was a bit of a slip-up in the first quarter, right? I thought I covered that well. I wouldn't, actually. I made eye contact with this both. You sort of jumped out of the story and defended itself. I like to be very Brechtian and challenge the audience.
Alright, so if you had to rate Grant on a scale of 1 to 10, what score would you give him Olympic style here? Olympic style. You know, we got your classic Olympic 10 out of 10. Ice skating?
Come on, guys. Come on.
If I may say, before you grade me, thank you. Alright, we've got a score of x plus 7 minus 42.5 and 20 divided by 7, or is that a square root? 20 divided by 7. 20 divided by 7.
Fantastic. Frankly, that's better than I thought I was going to get, so I appreciate the judgment. Thank you.
Well, we did take into consideration that you may have been a little bit nervous. I was terrified.
You're in a new space. You know, and it's a very warm space. This is the... It's actually not that warm. Well, sure, that's true. It's Los Angeles. Everything's warm.
Zach, how are you feeling? I'm feeling pretty good. Do you think you can beat roughly 3 and depending on what x is, either a pretty good score or a pretty negative score? It's not that hot. Okay, I think I can. Alright, I feel like I will at least be off the ground for longer.
I mean, do you feel like you learned anything from this point? Yeah, I did. What did you learn from me specifically?
It doesn't look great when you're just sort of on the ground. I felt like that was one of my favorites. I enjoyed the groundwork. Thank you. However, I do agree that you could have spent a little bit more time on the floor. Not the floor is really my home. I got to say, I feel at home on the floor. So maybe you need to be exploring the floorials a little bit more than the aerial. I think I do.
Well, Zach, are you ready to hit the silks? Is that a thing? Are you ready to hit the silks? I'm ready to hit the silks.
I'm ready to slap the tissue. Yeah, it's Friday. We'll slap that tissue.
Alright. Zach, same as Grant. When you're ready, give a nod to RJ. He'll start the music. Jack, don't forget what we're judging you on. Ready?
Step away from the fabric. I haven't seen you in five months.
Now, I know this Zach spent a lot of time. We should talk about the floor, but he can't even separate the silks properly.
Wow. He's going up. He's going for height. He's stuck there now, though. That's very cool. I'm going to decide what to do next. That's himself. 30 seconds, Zach.
This is the old gym rope climb here. I'll give you $50 if you get to the top. $50 if you get to the top.
We're a huge climatic ending. And then we got kind of stuck. Well, Zach, come on over to the hot seat and let's see what Chanel and Sarah have to say. Okay, well, I'll just feel like I'll start it off where I started with you, which is the story element. Your story was a lot stronger. Yeah, you don't get the same. Who wants to? It was a story of struggle and triumph, am I right?
Yeah, exactly. Sort of like the up and down motion. I noticed there may have been an element of water. Water, yeah. It felt like it's all about flowing, right? We would transition.
However, I will mention that you did the mermaid pose about six times from that routine, which doesn't really give you a lot of points for the skill. It did the first two times. And then after the second time, and then the third time, and then the fourth time.
But was that a bold character choice, or was that simply your lack of vocabulary? That's my question. Because he had a very wide range of vocabulary.
However, he didn't ever go in the air.
That's where the line, where do we draw the line between bold character choices versus shit?
Well, we were talking about the water, and I feel like a connection to water, connection to the point of wishing I was able to live in the water. What are you feeling like that at what point in the routine?
You do? Well, let's see if you're right. Like kind of around the first mermaid pose. Do you want to show us? Actually, I know.
I feel like you're almost longing to get back in there a little bit. I just want to... We don't have the replay option, so I'd like to just replay the replay.
Right around. Can you just hold that for 30 minutes? What is your relationship with the water? This is like... In this moment, you can come down. Sort of right there, I left my castle.
What were you searching for in the beginning? Yeah, you did a little sailor search.
Well, when I was a kid, I almost drowned. And then something saved me, and I'm not sure what it was. I thought I saw the whip of a tail in the background.
I woke up on the beach like... Oh, right.
I wish you did drown. I wish you drowned as a child.
Chanel and Sarah, if you had to give Zach a score here, what would you give him? I think we're seeing some consensus here. I don't know if the judges should be discussing their scores.
We're not. We're not discussing.
All right. Communicating. Okay. Yeah, all right. I'm ready. It's interesting that we chose a similar score. I know, I know. All right. It looks like you've been given a score from Chanel. I mean, since they're so similar. Sure. We can reveal them simultaneously. Okay. I'd say they're good, everybody.
Two.
All right. It looks like you've got double mermaids. Okay. Zach. Double mermaids, Zach.
I didn't have time to draw six. But I had time to draw... He had time to do them.
An eight. Eight point two.
Oh. All right. Do you think one of these gentlemen has a future in this if they wanted to pursue it? Well, he... I'd say you're more a floral artist. Thank you, yes.
Artist.
And you could... There's potential here. If anyone watching is like, this is pretty cool. I want to do this. What would you... Where could they go to figure out more?
Chanel. Pepper. Contact me.
And Sarah. I'm Sarah.
Your stretch coach. And I will be your stretch coach. And contortionist extraordinaire.
Okay. All right.
Well, if you have an opinion on who won this match of total novice, send it to us. Send it to Zach and Grant. Tell them what you think of their routines. Be brutal. They'll be monitoring the Twitter all day, looking for your insults. Tweet to me at GrantLB on Twitter. And if you want to contact either of our judges, you can reach them here on the boards that they're about to present to you.
Very professional. Here we are.
No mermaid this time.
Sarah. Lou. Chanel. Pepper.
Thanks, guys. Thank you, guys for having us.
That was a blast. See you next time.
I'm so tired. |
dropout | march_of_shame | In bedrooms from Sigmunu to Delta Chi, females of the species awake and realize with regret where they have spent the night. Having shed their protective shells, they must grope around in the darkness, careful not to wake their sleeping mates. As the sun climbs over the eastward hills, so do these lost souls climb out of their nests and enter hesitantly into the cavernous hallways. Weak but not proud, the females embark upon nature's most brutal test, the march of shame.
Hardships plague the voyage from the start. Their shirts are stained, possibly irreversibly. Their trousers are backwards and unbuttoned. Their panties twisted and misaligned. Many will find that they are missing a shoe or a sock, but will choose to press onward to avoid the double humiliation of a return trip. Their post-coiled legs stiff and buckling.
The weary travelers go forth into the frosty autumn air. They're lost and hungry, many of them having turned down an awkward offer to have some eggs, and their faces are smeared with the decorative colors used in their mating dance. But back at the fraternity house, their male mates rejoice. Foreign nature's cruelest double standard may face not a march of shame, but a dance of glory. Some will text their conquests, many will not. Yes, Mother Nature is only a harsh mistress for the migrating horde, who must now endure a series of predators that will prey upon their last remains of dignity. The forsaken flock is judged by neighbors, then professors, whose looks speak volumes more than any textbook. The females huddle and gossip to avoid their glares. The danger seems to have passed.
But what's this? A group of prospective students launches an assault from the east. I am so going here.
The march of shame complete. The females return to their homes. Some will take a scalding hot shower in an attempt to cleanse themselves of sin. Others will call their mothers and lie. The females swear to change their ways. But in this species, self-destructive instincts run deep. Tomorrow night, a new moon will rise and the march of the march of shame will march on.
Hello? Oh, hey, Kelly.
No, I'm definitely coming out. Oh, my God, that is so not true. He looks like a werewolf. |
cracked | why_the_democratic_primary_is_basically_over | Guys, it's me Dan from work. Oh, the Democratic debate was yesterday. We all watched it together. We did. That was a good time Yeah, there are like three stages of preparedness for everyone there was Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders who seemed like so experienced and and confident talking up there Martin O'Malley is close to that Jim Webb is is like uncomfortable like noticeably uncomfortable. He's not as good at this as everybody Shafi is also really bad at this, but he's just so happy to be there because he Handed in all those proofs of purchase and won the contest that allowed him to be in this in this debate And so he's clearly an experienced but also like all the real politicians. I don't know. I got my picture taken with Hillary This is cool. I get to ask Hillary about emails Secretary Clinton, do you want to respond?
No governor governor doesn't matter if you answer this is just the guy that's right Bob He also coming from a purely Comedic standpoint you can see if you've seen a bad stand-up or have been a bad stand-up like you don't continue speaking because you like And anyway punchline Here comes my validation that happens like 12 times to him in this debate You've all made a few people upset over your political careers. Which enemy are you most proud of? I guess the coal lobby. I Guess I'll say the coal industry And then he waits for applause and they just dim the lights Oh It crushed in the 1800s Jim Webb's answer to that question was absolutely haunting by the way, Martin O'Malley was like National Rifle Association very clearly I am against this and Hillary Clinton was like Fuck it. Iranians, Republicans NRA, all the people you hate The media Anderson Cooper's giving me a shit time today And then we get to Jim Webb I'd have to say the enemy soldier that threw the grenade that wounded me But he's not around right now. I was like, oh, you know the guy he's grinning like a snake It's the worst version of the story too cuz I looked up what actually happened He fired wildly while using his body to protect somebody else from a grenade He's prouder of killing that other guy though Yeah, remember when the whole audience clapped about the boo NRA sentiment? What do we think of Martin O'Malley? He's I think an incredibly handsome man We did this really weird thing where whenever anyone else was talking it was full body turn To them and glare at them and there's an entire PR team backstage that is like, oh never again can't do that Well any picture I've seen of him in the field is either playing a guitar or no shirt, which is a way to beat Their shirtless pictures of more no malley on the internet.
Yeah, many. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's very excited.
Let's Watch the wire and there's a character based on him and David Simon who created the wire has gone on at great length about Why so much of what Martin O'Malley has done has been terrible for Baltimore. Is he Garcetti? He's Carcetti Yeah, okay. It's fucking Carcetti Schmidt.
I have only ever read it on the internet and seen it on a show the wire Fucking believe this on a subject of Bernie Sanders and the internet and we could see this is a this Google Trends put together this great thing so you could see in real time who was getting When people were getting googled more than the others. Jim Webb was low low low and then there's this Right around 1016. You say kill the guy. It's like yeah, and then it goes back to and you're in about nobody cares Yeah, and Martin like a supervillain. Yeah, Lincoln chaff chaffy Chucklenuts is pretty low the entire time until right towards the end when I think everyone is like, all right Who's who's like it was probably coal miners and like, all right What I should know who this is.
I love Bernie Sanders just sitting at number one the entire time Yeah, just cuz he ever just his army is just Just costly good with Bernie Sanders. There's gonna be a chart tomorrow and he's gonna be on. Yeah, I feel like there's An unrepresented sixth line here that would be that Appalachian wizard that was in the crowd Number one on all of these if this chart had included him beautifully maimed bearded wizard creature that that's just like a whole It's a bunch of people in suits a bunch of people that I assume Knew they're going to be on television and this guy who fucking knew he was going to be on television And wore his weird moonshare. He controls the tides. He doesn't care what What say you have Neptune candidates But anyway Bernie Sanders he has more energy than I ever have at any point in my life the like he's at ten the entire time just like Clutching the thing and waving his arms and doing spells, but he's like I'm ready to go. This is exciting I sound a little bit like my sandwich is late. Yeah, I'm here and this is really good I kind of look like I'm always losing money on a horse like he like he's that guy just like oh, come on Kennedy What are they named a horse Kennedy?
We don't know. They should have named it Lincoln chaffy fun name for a horse Did you want to talk about CNN? They had Anderson with the world in his ear and asking all the questions like when Denmark comes up He knows the population of Denmark magically They had two other people at a table to ask questions so Anderson can drink water and stretch and so on But also they had like they kept doing the thing we do now because it's this century and they have questions from the internet And people like filming a question into their webcam with a lot of background noise. It's really distracting But they had Don Lemon fielding these questions from the internet from the debate audience for no reason He could have easily but he doesn't need to be standing in this sea of people in Las Vegas who don't get to ask these questions Right, they're just trying to confuse Bernie Sanders at that point because Sanders Cooper's firing questions like and I were to go to this guy Oh, here we go. Oh, it's on the internet. It's on the internet. It's like doesn't know where to look and then finally like boom This person is like the black lives matter. What did everyone need to accomplish here?
Who won and who lost in this debate? Do we think well Bernie and Hillary? I feel like Bernie and Hillary both to an extent kind of jujitsu the criticisms of that yeah, like Bernie seemed really live and really like approachable and interested and Hillary also seemed to Be just she made her experience seem like the good thing It can be framed as she seemed more prepared and like a person who belongs up there more than than anyone else You just like ooze this confidence that that was really admirable the group that she's surrounded by she only needed to be fine And I thought she was great. Yeah, I thought Bernie was great Martin O'Malley is terrifying Yeah, and when he turns to Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton's talking and he's just And I wanted like I was like, oh look Hillary Stop stop what you're saying you need to if someone has lasers, it's a bounce Still held out hope the entire time that with three minutes left WWE Raw style and we like the light should go out and explosions happen and like Biden Hey guys, thank you so much for watching us talking about the Democratic debate we did with Republicans before We'll probably do it with more of the election as it goes on for the next year and change and as I'm O'Malley I'd just like to ask you to like and subscribe and comment and Do your own physical impression of a candidate.
Can you do Lincoln Chaffee's jaw thing? Can you do Jim Webb's furrowed brow about the war? What other things do you have that you can do do it in the comments? |
SaturdayNightLive | young_spicy_snl | What is up ladies? I appreciate y'all coming in to help. my name is Young Spicy. how you doing? hey, what's good? And this is Bernard. You gonna be recording this today. happy to be here. let's get this. Thanks! Thought it alright, so I'm looking for a new producer tag to play at the beginning of my song. So I'm real cool.
Like oh my God yeah or even this one. Okay, yeah, yeah, we could do that. We got you Mr. Spicy Cool. So we'll just play the beat and then you say something like get them spicy or like spicy on a track. Yeah, great. yeah, we'll give you some options. All right, take one.
Ooh Young Spicy. Got that heat this. Way too spicy. yeah, exactly. just like that. keep that going. Oh Young Spicy Flaming. Oh Spicy's hiding something spicy in the closet for show. Did the damn spicy.
Why your wrist so limp?
Okay, so I'm looking for something menacing and cool. not about my sexuality, which I'm still figuring out. By the way, See, you should have just said that. Yeah. all right. great. let's run that back one time. Boo.
Spicy. Super straight. damn spicy. So straight. it's frightening. Spicy.
Get aggressive when you question that. Hey spicy. don't grab like that spicy out. That hurt All right, hey, please don't say I'm scary to women. All right, that is not the vibe that I'm going for. so you're saying no to that.
Do you know not know who we are? yeah, I do. y'all are two baddies from Taskrabbit. y'all do voiceover and junk removal. You got a mini fridge. you're trying to get rid of. Okay, look, just say something about my beats. All right. Something like young spicy, too nasty. Oh, yeah. yeah yeah, of course we could do that. that's easy. Yeah, let's go ahead and make this one quick because in about 90 seconds I need to go drop some quarters in the meter. Might need a little change from y'all too. Here we go. let's go.
So like, ooh spicy, you wild for this. Yes, exactly a couple more like that. Yeah. damn spicy. A freak for real. Okay. yeah, I like that one. yeah spicy.
Why you dm in high schoolers? take a seat. Spicy. my name is Kaka Kaka Chris Hanson. The damn spicy, why'd you drive four hours to the Cleveland suburbs in a tuxedo? Why you only have Ky jelly in a B-b-b-bracelet making kit in your bag? Okay, I don't want to sound like I'm a pervert in a sting operation.
All right. Look, we go again this next time. I'm gonna give you the setup. all you got to do is just fill in the blank. Okay, Bernard, you got time for one more. I mean, the media is past due man, but I'm sure it's fine. let's take it one time for the cheese. All right. Okay, so something like this, something like oh, spicy, got that vehicular manslaughter charge? No, no, no, no, okay. something like spicy got that erectile dysfunction Please y'all come on. nothing about my body. All right. okay. look one more time. All right.
Oh Spicy got that outdated way thinking spicy Low-key a Trump supporter. Okay, so I guess I'll just prefer Joe Biden. Whatever. Forget it.
Hey, look, the man wants something simple. Something like spicy in the hood. Yep, that's it by law. he got to notify his neighbor.
This is Bernard. You gonna be recording this today. happy to be here. let's get this. Thanks! Thought it all right, so I'm looking for a new producer tag to play at the beginning of my song. So I'm real cool.
Like oh my God yeah, or even this one. Okay, yeah, yeah, we could do that. We got you, Mr. Spicy Cool. So we'll just play the beat and then you say something like get them spicy or like spicy on a trap. Yeah, great. yeah, we'll give you some options. All right, take one.
Oh Young Spicy Got that heat this. Way too spicy. Yeah, exactly. just like that. keep that going. Oh Young Spicy. Flaming. Oh Spicy's hiding something spicy in the closet for show the damn spicy.
Why? your wrist so limp, Okay, okay, so I'm looking for something menacing and cool. not about my sexuality, which I'm still figuring out. By the way. See, you should have just said that. Yeah. All right. great. let's run that back one time.
Ooh, Spicy. Super straight. Damn spicy. So straight. it's frightening. Spicy get aggressive when you question them. hey spicy. don't grab like that spicy out. That's a cut.
All right. hey, please don't say I'm scary to women. All right, that is not the vibe that I'm going for. So you're saying no to that.
Do you know not know who we are? Yeah, I do. Y'all are two baddies from Taskrabbit. Y'all do voiceover and junk removal. mm-hmm. you got a mini fridge. you're trying to get rid of. Okay, look, just say something about my beats. All right, Something like young spicy, too nasty.
Oh, yeah. yeah. yeah, of course we could do that. that's easy. Yeah, let's go ahead and make this one quick, because in about 90 seconds I need to go drop some quarters in the meter. Might get a little change from y'all too. Here we go. let's go.
So like, ooh, spicy, You wild for this. yes, exactly a couple more like that. Yeah. damn spicy. A freak for real. Okay. yeah, I like that one. Yeah. spicy. Why you dm in high schoolers? take a seat. Spicy. my name is Kaka Kaka Chris Hanson did it a damn spicy?
Why'd you drive four hours to the Cleveland suburbs in a tuxedo? And why you only have K-y jelly in a bah bah bah bracelet making kit in your bag? Okay, I don't want to sound like I'm a pervert in a sting operation.
All right. Look, we go again this next time. I'm gonna give you the setup. all you got to do is just fill in the blank. Okay, Bernard, you got time for one more. I mean, the media is past due, man, but I'm sure it's fine. let's give you one time for the cheese. All right.
Nothing about my body.
All right. okay. look one more time. All right. Oh Spicy got that outdated way thinking this is a spicy low-key a Trump supporter. Okay, so I guess I'll just prefer Joe Biden. whatever. Forget it.
Hey, look, the man wants something simple. Something like spicy in the hood. Yep. that's it by law. he got to notify his neighbor. |
TheOnion | Asian_American_Actresses_Describe_Struggle_Of_Constantly_Being_Typecast_As_Sherlock_Holmes | When I was growing up, I rarely saw people who looked like me on TV. Never.
Even when a movie had a female Asian character, she'd be wearing an Inverness cape and holding a magnifying glass. Speaking with a high-brow London accent. All these years later, nothing's changed. Frankly, it's offensive. Asian women being typecast as Sherlock Holmes is a tired stereotype that needs to end. Every Asian actress has had this experience.
A casting agent says, Oh, that was so great, but can you try it again? More British detectivy? Just come out and say it.
You want me to act like Sherlock Holmes. I'll go to an audition, and the hallway is full of Asian women, smoking pipes, and wearing trench coats. It's like, okay, I know exactly what we're all here for. The sign-in sheet will have roles for Jessica and Sherlock. And I just know they're gonna ask me to read for Sherlock.
It sucks because I know I can do Jessica. If I see a deerstalker hat in an audition, I just walk out. The first role I ever had was Sherlock Holmes. I was so grateful to finally get work, but after the seventh time, it gets really old, always playing a cunning, cocaine-addicted savant on the hunt for the treasure of Agra. But for a lot of female Asian actors, the only way to get your foot in the door is to keep your head down and embody the traits of an emotionally detached master of deductive reasoning. Lucy Liu is one of the most famous Asian-American actresses out there, and even she's still stuck playing Dr. Watson.
Honestly, I'd settle for Agatha Christie's Poirot at this point. Traipsing around the English Moor, searching for clues, that's not my truth. I wanna see my real life represented on screen.
I'm not Sherlock Holmes.
We're done saying it's elementary, my dear Watson. Read the books, he never even said that. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_kid_testing_the_classics | This week on Boiploop, we are playing classic video games with kids to see if there's still any good. I'm Jeff Rubin here with Nicky, who is this many, Joey, who is eight and packed. Now, Nicky, what do you think about this game?
Do you think it looks good? Yes. It looks fun? It is fun.
Nicky, how old do you think this game is? If you had to guess. I think if you jump, you can crack. Ninety-eight. Do you think this game is 98 years old? How old do you think I am? Twenty-seven.
That's exactly correct. Oh, no. I don't care. Why would you? Because I don't need to worry about it. What do you have to worry about? You're eight years old, right?
So, what do you think? Do you think this game looks any good? Yes. What do you think looks fun about it?
Ouch. When you go through one wall, you go on the back of the wall. That's right. This is the first 3D game.
Do you guys, like, watch each other play games? Or do you just... Watch each other? I'm a more game person than Nicky. So, she really watches me play it. Nicky, is that fun for you, Nicky? Yes.
See, when I was a kid, I had to watch my brother play video games, and I didn't like it. I was an only child. Problem solved.
It's just you playing video games non-stop. It is awesome. If I was your friend and I was like, tell me about Star Fox. What would you say? I would say it's funny. It's a hard game. I don't really know. Whoa, that's pretty cool.
I forgot about Giant Monkey Wizard. That's like your Bowser of this game. But Big Bowser is just like him.
But the only difference is he's not a wizard. He's a... Big Bowser. He's a lizard, not a wizard. A wizard? Did he go to the rhyme I made?
Nicky like horror games. I don't know why. What games are horror games?
Polly Pocket. Polly Pocket's awesome, dude.
No, it isn't. No, right? Nicky, isn't Polly Pocket fun? Yes. And there's a giant gorilla wizard in Polly Pocket, right?
Because he's more faster and he can go in a little circle that makes him go very fast. Mario can't do that. Yeah, but Mario's fast, right? Yeah, he actually is fast. I like that he runs very, very fast. Just one thing. I know a lot of games that the people can run super fast. But Sonic's the fastest. Speed's not like, speed's a pretty common feature in any video game.
I mean, it's not Star Fox. It was a fox in a fighter jet. Nothing's faster than a fighter jet. Sonic's faster than a fighter jet. You can break the speeder sound, right? No way. So can a fighter jet.
Joey had a really good point. You think if you put a loop in front of Mario, he could run upside down and come out the other side? Probably. I mean, absolutely not. That'd be up here, Nicky.
How is this game different than Mario, you think? Other than not even, not better or worse, just how is it different? It's different because number one, there's no, like, loop-do-loops in Mario.
Mm-hmm. Number two, in Mario, you get that powers and it's when you don't. Speed is a power! No, it isn't.
This is Frogger, classic game. You know how to play Frogger? Uh-huh. You've played Frogger before? Uh-huh. Show me how it's done. What are you doing, Frogger?
You can't touch the cars. You go on logs to stay alive. I played a game in Leifter.
It's the same thing, but instead of a frog, it's a rabbit. It's a rabbit.
But you have to get carrots. You have to get carrots.
And spell words. No. Oh, my God. It sounded fun until you were like, then there's spelling. I don't want to spell words.
What do you think about video games or books? Video games. Joey? Video games. That's what I'm saying. Video games are a million times better than books, right?
Actually, they're too large.
All you do is read. It's so boring. No, newspapers are cool, too, because they can tell you what games you can get. Yeah, but the newspaper, you have to read lots of words. Lots of words. It's like, when do the words stop?
You don't have to look. You can just look in the picture and say, hey, I'm going to do a game. You can buy me.
Guys, would you feel bad for me if I told you that when I was your age, this was the best video game? These were the best graphics. Video games just did not get better than this.
Would you feel bad for me? I would. Joey, you're killing me. He's not doing it on purpose.
I think it's just an unruly game. Things get crazy on the streets of rage. It's good to know, no matter what generation you are, when you're playing streets of rage, you get into a fight because you start hitting your friend.
Hey, Nick, you just killed me. Sorry.
Do you guys think this game's fun? Yes. Do you guys think all video games are fun? Yeah. Understood. |
SaturdayNightLive | trivia_game_show_snl | It's time for guess that with your host, Clint Litorez. welcome to guess that, and it's Clint Litorez. We have three wonderful contestants playing. Tracy, Nicole, and Kenny. Now, we all know how the game goes. I'll ask you guys a series of rapid-fire trivia questions, and if you guessed them right, I'll give you some money. sound good? let's play. sounds great, Clint. All right, let's start. First question.: this amino acid found in Turkey is known to make you sleepy. that would be Tryptophan, Clint. Correct. $100 on the board for Tracy. next question.
This surgery uses laser technology to restore vision. I've actually had this. it's Lasik surgery.
Yes, that's $100 for Kenny.
Okay, this New York City airport was named after the 35th President of the United States. Robert Kennedy Airport.
Ooh, that's actually incorrect. No, it's not.
I was just there. Well, that's still wrong, Nicole. how you gonna tell me? I was just stuck in that airport for five hours because I pet a bomb-sniffing dog, and they said I ruined him. it's very confusing to hear. Kenny. is it John F. Kennedy Airport? that is correct. I just said that. No, no. you said Robert Kennedy. Okay, but you know what I'm at. it's okay, Nicole. we have a lot more questions.
So that's $100 for you, Kenny. And what do I get? you don't get anything. I gave them half the answer. I should get half the money.
Well, it's not how the game works. Okay, so they give you a little suit and some blue cars, and now you're the Mayor of Game Town? I don't know what that means, but you're slowing up the game.
Okay, next question. in 1492, this explored. Nicole, you have an answer already?
I won't play no more. What do you mean? You said I can't win, so I won't play no more. I never said you can't win. don't you gaslight me, Clint.
Who's gaslighting? Oh, y'all see this, right?
If you want me to lose so bad, why don't you just let me quit? Fine. quit. I don't care.
Okay, get my money first. What money? you have a score of Zero. they said I get $500 just for playing. Yeah, that's if you finish the game. Okay, so you're forcing me to play, even though you said I can't win?
This man is a classic gaslight narcissist, y'all. can I just finish asking the questions to go? go ahead, but that hotel you put us in is nasty. I'm sorry you feel that way. in 1492, this explorer set sail to discover the New World. Christopher Columbus. Yes, that is correct. $100 for you, Kenny. Nicole? Christopher Columbus. he already said that.
Okay, but when he repeated my answer, you gave him $100. you guessed the wrong answer, Nicole. no, you hate women. Yo, can I just give her 50 of my dollars? Yes. no, that is not how the game works. And stop using the buzzer every time you want to say something.
I'm sorry, but who died and made you the Mayor of Game Town? Okay, girl, he thinks he's a Mayor of Game Town just because he got a little suit and a gun. I don't have a gun. And I'm not the mayor of anything. What? Nicole? Well, if you all be mayor no more, could I be Mayor? No. Okay, so a woman can't be mayor of Game Town. there is no Game Town. How you gonna be Mayor of Game Town? you don't even believe, bro. Because he not. I'm the new Mayor. and the first thing I'm doing is putting us in a better hotel with an espresso machine. and fluffy towels. look, y'all gonna burn up the batteries on them buzzers.
Have any of y'all ever been on a game show before? I was on people's court. that's not a game show. then how come I won money? I don't know. wrong. the answer is I stole my roommate's waffle iron and I burnt my hands. now you owe us $100. What? the booth.
I'm the mayor, baby, and we gonna split this $100 three ways. 50-50-50. Fine. be the Mayor.
I quit. I'm going back to my suite at the La Quinta.
What's up, y'all? I'm the new Mayor of Game Town. the craziest, stuffy happening for the world. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_joys_of_marriage_saturday_night_live | Thanks a lot for coming out with me, man. I can't believe it was five days from now. I'm gonna be married. yeah? I mean, I'm freakin'' out, man. I don't think I can go through this. Ah, it's perfectly normal to feel a little nervous, Chris. I did when I got married. same here.
Listen, can I ask you guys some marriage questions or shoot? Yeah, we'll give it to you straight.
Okay, because, like, Katie and I are fighting about, like, stupid things all the time, and. I don't know. do you guys fight a lot before you guys are married? I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, Chris. once you get married, the fighting stops. really? yeah. it stops completely? mm-hmm. you never fight about petty things again. no more screaming about filling up the ice cube trays. no more remings for forgetting to replace the toilet paper roll, you know.
I don't get it. when does this sudden change of things? is that possible? I don't know. it's just magical. Yeah, it's like a fairy tale, Chris. marriage is just this incredibly wonderful state of mind. Maybe it's the idea that you're gonna be with the same woman until the day you die. but just freeze you up. Yeah. this is, uh, this is, like, awesome.
What else happens? you lose weight. Yeah. you guys look fatter to me. hey, that's muscle-jerk. I mean, when you're married, you always want to look your best.
What about sex? Oh, my God, it's constant. and totally spontaneous. Totally. No more date nights. just, uh, pure, adventurous experimentation until you fall asleep in a spoon position. Yeah, the sex is so great that you actually quit watching television. you throw the tube right out of the room. really? uh-huh. Yeah, it's all true. And you completely stop masturbating. there's no reason to anymore. you're so in love.
Yeah, and her breath gets better, too. you don't have to breathe through your mouth to kiss her anymore. Get ready for long make-out sessions, partner. well, that would be awesome, man. Because right now, Kate's not into kissing so much.
Hey, watch things change. I'll tell you what's really great about marriage. you never, ever think about old girlfriends again. Yeah, you don't feel that urge to call them on the phone just to hear their voice on the outgoing message anymore. you still look at other women, though, don't you? Why? you have everything you need waking up next to you, day in and day out. my wife's panties just keep getting bigger and better.
You know what the other thing is, too? Until I got married, I had absolutely no idea how much fun it was to talk about money. Really? mm-hmm. money? I mean, Katie and I almost got into a fistfight over joint checking.
You know what they say, Chris? marriage eradicates defensiveness. and criticism. I mean, once you're married, you don't feel that urge to criticize your wife's lack of education in front of a group of male friends. it's true. the beauty of marriage is that you're freed from thoughts like, god, I just want to run away. I want to empty my bank account and just run off to a small college town under an assumed name and live with a young girl in a cotton sundress. And here's the best thing of all. after you're married, you will not believe how close you grow to your wife's family.
Yeah. it's almost scary how much you look forward to the time you spend with them. I mean, I can't wait for the holidays.
I love my wife's mother. I hope that happens because Katie's mom is being such a jerk about the wedding. Oh, forget about me. for some reason, on your wedding day, all your mother-in-law's horrible traits will just vanish.
Yeah. whole day is stress-free. there won't be any weather problems. the band shows up on time. and the photographer doesn't forget to get a shot of you and your grandfather, who dies a week later. And you still have the energy to make sweet, beautiful love to your new wife at the end of the evening six or eight times. it's not like you have an all-out brawl about the next day's travel plans, and you fall asleep on the floor in the corner alone, holding a champagne bottle and wondering if you're married a control freak. marriage is a wonderful dream, Chris. it's a wonderful, wonderful dream. you guys made it sound really cool, man. I'm psyched.
I gotta go to the bathroom now. All right. you should be. we'll be right back. Thanks. Should we tell them the truth? nobody told me. screw them. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_I_Know_What_You_Did_Last_Summer | Let's take a look at I Know What You Did Last Summer. This 1997 slasher hit features a hook-wielding madman that stalks and murders the teens who left him for dead in a drunken hit and run. But what's truly shocking in the film is the fact that the killer doesn't just sue these kids and their parents for every last penny. The killer repeatedly goes to great lengths to slaughter the teenagers who ran him over and dumped him in the ocean when he could have easily gotten his revenge by filing a personal injury lawsuit that would have made him rich beyond belief. When watching this film, it's easy to be distracted by the fact that these teens, who not only fatally struck a pedestrian but then tried to cover up the accident, could get the comeuppance they so richly deserve if the killer simply brought them before pretty much any civil court judge in the country. That's an eight-figure payday, easy. Easy. I Know What You Did Last Summer is ultimately doomed by the senseless actions of its antagonist, who seeks vengeance through grisly murder when there was 15 or 20 million bucks in punitive damages just waiting for him.
Really, we should all be so lucky. For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | hardly_working_guy_ritchie | Hi Paddy, got me money, what you fuck off? So shame. That's me, they call me Epistreator. Thing is, I'm the meanest most miserable fuck in the whole fucking office. I guess it's one of them ironic nicknames, isn't it? And that there's Pat, aka Strong Paddy. Weak as fuck all he is. Again, ironic nickname.
Have you met my associate? That gigantic cunt there is Kevin the Blabbermouth. Never says a bleeding word. You kindly ask your knight to remove his chubby fucking fingers from Strong Paddy's neck. Hey there's Josh. Goes by the nickname Ansem Josh. Did you hear what I say? Alright, so you're implying that with that voice over there, I'm actually not Ansem. Or... Street of Sartail, you tubby fuck!
We call this squat little bloke Sam whose girlfriend is faithful. Well that's not true, is it? I mean Melissa's totally faithful. She wouldn't cheat on you. It's like in the piss, right? No, she... She cheats on me!
Alright Sam, it'll be fine, I promise. Well well well, if it isn't Saro who looks good in purple. Hi! That's Dan.
I fucking hate that wanker. Like look at him. How do you not fucking hate that guy?
Come on. It's not even ironic. It's just making me feel bad about myself. These blasted voiceovers end now, mate. Seems I'm shot out of luck.
Put down by Amir. Or as he's known around here, Amir who has very good aim.
Aww, leave it alone! |
cracked | why_the_first_pet_would_have_been_terrifying_stuff_that_must_have_happened | You know, we've been thinking about getting a waste hole. Oh, oh you should. We weren't even sure we were going to use ours, but now we can't imagine what we'd do without it. It's modest, but we found that if we use it at the same time, we could rest our backs to be gone.
Everyone's gone. Go, go, go. No, leave me. Go, go, go, go. Quickly, go.
Where is your friend? Everyone, calm down. He's a friend. He won't hurt you. Friend? Yes, he lives with us. I don't understand. This was your friend? Oh, no, he is our friend.
Did a witch do this to him? Oh, Karina, no spells. She can help. Tasting me!
No, he was always like this. He's loyal to us.
Watch. You control it? He controls it. You command its power.
Um, yeah, kind of. What about when it drags your youth away and eats them? Oh, no, no, no. It doesn't do that. It gets along great with our offspring. I do not like this. Not at all.
They are killers. All they know is killing.
No, he loves us. Don't you? Yes, you do. You love us. You love your mommy and daddy.
You birthed it? Oh, no, no, no, no. Grawl found it in the woods. It was injured.
He took him home, and then we started feeding him, and now he lives with us. He even sleeps with us. I mean, he shouldn't. I tell her all the time, he shouldn't be on the sleeping stone, but he's going to sleep in our sleeping stone.
Why? What do you mean? Why? Why would you let this happen? This is the same beast that ate your brother's intestines. What could you possibly gain from this?
Touch him. Yes, touch him. Here, like this.
Yeah? Oh. This feels great. Karna, you got to try this. Wow. Oh. Wow. I don't understand. I can't stop.
Is it magic? Is the beast magic? Could we do this with the beast that lives alone?
Oh, the one with the whiskers and the retracting claws. Hey. Oh, yes. The bright-eyed one with the long tail. Oh. Yeah, I think so. It's just you sure you wouldn't rather have one of these? One of the barking ones? Yes, we prefer the other. Is that bad? No, I mean, I'm sure it's fine.
We can get a lot of them. They can come and live with us, and we can name them. Our babies. Fluffy ones. Big ones. Angry ones. Old ones.
Oh, I love it. Yes. |
TheOnion | NASA_Water_On_Mercury_Proves_Planet_Could_Support_Intergalactic_Space_Prison | NASA's recent discovery of water on Mercury has led to speculation among scientists that the planet could potentially sustain an intergalactic space prison housing the universe's worst criminals. Scientists believe that organic compounds found on the planet's surface could be useful for creating an off-world space Australia, where strength is the only law. However, they caution it is too early to say whether or not fights among the space jail's prisoners would be broadcast here on Earth for the entertainment of wealthy gamblers. But NASA's lead researchers do say that Mercury's ability to support human life raises important questions about who the prison guards would be.
Perhaps the guards themselves would be space mercenaries, or maybe we'd just use robots. The robots would have guns for hands. Well, obviously.
Critics inside NASA caution against funneling too many resources into the Mercury Project when it would be so much cooler to build a prison on the moon ruled by clones of the prisoners themselves. Researchers encourage the public to read their findings, which had been released in the form of a graphic novel titled The Mercury Cipher. |
CrackerMilk | we_re_pressing_charges_ | Hey guys, I'm CrackerMilk's new lawyer, and we're gonna be pressing charges today We've been losing tens of millions of views on our videos and now it's time to fight back Okay, do I look sweaty? No, man, you're good. If you guys are getting a seizure desist anyone that's ripping our content. You're gonna be given us money These are the things that we're gonna do complain ask for credit Just Those two things But that's fucked up dude. I need we need we need support. We need money and stuff like that's what you're for You're our lawyer to just stop this from happening. I'm in charge of this whole operation I don't know where you guys put me in charge of this.
That's fuck. We're fucked dudes. Fuck you guys.
I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna fucking come for you Everything It's okay. If you do want to support us, please please go to our patreon We really don't have any other options. That's where you can help us out It really is the best way to support us, but we really have no other way of combating people taking our content But it doesn't really matter as long as we're getting support on patreon And that's when you come in and the more support we get them better videos we can make Guys |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_90_JO_KOY | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show. You're joined by Clancy Overall, myself and Errol Parker. How are you Errol? Good mate.
This week we have a special guest, very special guest. We're very lucky to get this opportunity. An international guest, we don't do this very often, but he's a comedian who's in town and doing the rounds as we speak. His name is Joe Coy. You might know him from Netflix, he's a Los Angeles based comedian with a huge following around the world and he's internationally renowned. And he's joining us by telephone now.
Hello Joe, are you there? Hello, how are you? Good thanks mate.
Now, can you tell us a little bit about what you're doing in the country at the moment? Ah, doing the Just Kidding tour. We finally hit Australia and then we'll go off to New Zealand after that. Yeah right, because I've been having a look at where your tour's been and where your previous tours have been.
And you seem to have a universal appeal around the world and as a comedian, that's obviously the end goal. How do you think you get to the point where you know, a lot of people from all parts of the world find you funny? I think, you know, the blessing is definitely streaming, you know what I mean? It's the internet and getting it out there and the exposure from Netflix.
Because, I mean, literally, when I first started as a kid, my end goal was to just try getting into the improv, nationally, in America. And fast forward 30 years later, I'm seeing people viewing my special in Malaysia. It's like, when you first started, you didn't think that was ever going to happen. I mean, so, God bless Netflix, but then one thing you've got to also do is make sure you're funny. Yeah, for sure. So you came out of improv, is that what you're saying? Yeah, the improv is where, you know, that was my goal. To be a working comic, doing the circuit across the country, you know, I was in heaven. That's all I wanted to do, you know, since I was 10, I just wanted to be an improv comic and tour the world, tour the country. And that happened, you know, 15 years into my career, next you know, I'm touring the country doing improv and then, you know, and then 10 years after that, or more than that, almost 14 years after that, I ran my first Netflix deal. And that's when everything just changed for me. Yeah, so do you think you had much of an international appeal before that, or was it like in Australia, for example, you would Australia as a case study? I would have never, ever known, you know, I came out here with Russell Peters years ago and I came back on my own after I opened for him and, you know, I was, I did like the Enmore, which was about a thousand seats and, you know, was it, you know, I mean, it was literally because of Russell that got me the exposure, but I would have never known that I had a draw in Sydney or Melbourne or Perth or, you know, that's impossible for anybody to know.
Yeah, yeah. It's, it's impossible. So do you think God, do you think there was something untapped there? You know what I mean?
Because, um, we've seen a lot of your stuff and I have to say the, uh, you know, Filipino mother, um, you know, that kind of, that's so relatable to a lot of people in Australia. And, uh, and I just felt like that wasn't really tapped into, did you feel the same? I feel the same way. And you know, what's crazy about it is I, I literally just tipped a joke about my mom. It wasn't even, yes, she's Filipino, but it's my mom. I'm just talking about my mom, just like any other comic would talk about their mom. You know, they give their mom the, the accent that they heard when they were kids. And that's what I was doing in no way was I trying to tap a certain culture or anything. It was just my culture, but what was even crazier, like, like I said, once again with Netflix is then I started noticing other ethnicities latching on to my mom's culture, which was quite crazy. You know, going to, you know, going to like, uh, uh, Miami and, and seeing a bunch of Dominicans and Puerto Rican going, Oh, my mom does the same thing. And I'm like, Oh, okay, cool.
I had no idea or they're going to Malaysia or going to, uh, Tokyo, Japan.
It's nuts. Or come into like Sydney or Perth and just seeing people go, yeah, my mom, you know, it all comes down to his moms or moms. And that's, you know, that's what I think is what's, what people are gravitating towards. We've got a, we've got a Filipino in our office, uh, Valerie and she, uh, she always talks about the chanel us. Yeah, I love it. That's also a disciplinary weapon. The shoe, the sandal, I guess you'd say. Yeah. That's the rubber slipper that's used to, uh, you know, to walk in or to beat the crap out of your kids. Now, can you tell us a little bit about the, the, the scene in LA? Um, is it as brutal as we reckon?
I mean, you know, you got a lot of comics coming up, but you know, I, uh, you know, I, I do the improv is back in, you know, 15 years ago is when I was in the, in the improv circuit. So the guys I came up with are, uh, you know, we've kind of moved on to like the theaters now, you know, but, uh, during that time, yeah, that was rough, man. You know, I had to follow some big comics, you know, and at that time it was, uh, you know, at any given time it would be Chris rock, Dane cook, uh, Harlan Williams, Richard Jenny, uh, you know, got Robin way. I mean, it was just literally, and here I am working at a department store, just trying to get seven minutes and then I'm getting bumped by Robin Williams. It's like that was, that's what I had to deal with. So yeah, it's, it's, it's pretty amazing to be in LA and just see the greats walk in at any time. So, so when it's 15 years ago for me. So when did you get to the point where, you know, you just took a look at your boss at the department store and you thought, actually, I'm just going to have a punt on myself and, uh, try and make a go at comedy as a full-time job. Yeah. What, what, you know, what was, uh, the hardest thing for me to do is, uh, when I was, uh, cause I was working shoes at a women's shoe department and I got the tonight show and I didn't realize how many people watch the tonight show till the next day I was working at shoes and it was like every other woman walked up to me going, Oh my God, you were so funny on the tonight show last night.
Can I get this in a size eight?
Man, just made me want to shoot myself in the back. Like that's the struggle that I was going through back then. It was just like, yeah, I get these little gigs, but I was still in the same spot, you know? And, but I mean, you can't give up on it, especially in LA. You just got to keep grinding until something happens, man.
I didn't even get the Netflix special that first Netflix special live from Seattle. Netflix said no to me three times or four times, I think. And you had it filmed, you had it filmed already. No, I didn't have anything. Uh, they said no to me.
We were like, can you just watch the hour? You know, I, you know, we think it should be on Netflix and you know, we think it'd be great for Netflix and they go, no, we already have enough specials for 2017.
And then, uh, and then I was like, you know what, I'll just shoot it myself and I paid for that whole thing myself. The venue, the director, the producer, the lighting guy, everything I paid for, I edited it myself. And then, uh, about six months later I went back into Netflix and I sold it to him. Yeah, that's how I got it. You know, people always think, oh, just because he got Netflix, that's how he blew up. And I'm like, well, no, I didn't get Netflix. I got Netflix on my own. I made it myself. So that's what you gotta do in this business.
And I was doing that 27 years in. So, you know, I felt like I deserved the hour, but after 27 years.
So a lot of the, uh, a lot of the comedy you do, uh, I'm guessing particularly cities like LA and Houston and San Francisco and Sydney. Um, it kind of strikes a chord with, I mean, especially when you're doing, you know, all the different types of accents of Asian Americans or just Asian people in general. Do you feel like, um, and it's something we definitely see around our office. Um, there is a thirst for really, really red hot comedy, uh, within that community.
Well, I want to do it in a way where I'm complimenting and not offending, you know, I, I always try and make sure I'm doing that. Like, I don't want to, like, if you listen to the jokes, you know, I am, it is funny what I'm doing, but I'm also pointing out the fact that it's, it's something that's true and it's also funny. Like I don't want people to be like, Oh, he just poked in front of him and make in front of him. Cause I, I mean when I did those jokes, I mean, I've never seen such a great response. I was so, I was so happy that I did another thing I wanted was people going, Hey man, stop doing that crap.
Another thing is they will laugh at it too. So yeah, man, it's been really crazy to see the, the reach and any, you know, people want to have an identity as well, man. Like people like to be represented as well. Yeah. You know, and it's not about offending. They're just like, yeah, that's our voice and that's funny and we're funny too. We do funny things too in our culture. So I think that's, that's the cool thing that they embraced. Do you find as you go around the world and you get to see and experience all the different cultures that some crowds laugh at other things and other crowds laugh at other ones because a lot of comedians here in Australia tend to think that a lot of their stuff doesn't really land in New Zealand.
Yeah. Cause they have a very warped type of humor and on the inverse, a lot of a Kiwis come here and they, and they find that they just have to make a beeline for LA. Yeah.
The comparison we've been told is that because they're in England, there was so many English that came and settled in Australia. Australia's comedy is more English, but New Zealand's a bit more Scottish and you can kind of see that in the flight of the concords, I guess. It's very dry. So if you're in a loudmouth Australian and you go over there and start talking about sex and poo, you know, they want to know, they want to joke that goes for 20 minutes.
Wow. That's crazy that you guys can dissect that and really see it.
Um, but I w what's crazy is I don't really change it. Like the one thing I will say is I'm not doing my hour from the Netflix special. So if you come see me, it's a completely whole new hour, but I feel like I don't really change it in any other way. It's like if you're not going to laugh at it, you know, well, you know what I mean?
You have the choice to leave. But, uh, but I mean, I find that people are getting it no matter where I go. Cause it's more you than any country or any format. It's more you.
Yeah.
So how long does it take you to write an hour of comedy? I mean, like, do you do like a year on year off? No, I, uh, I can get through an hour in about three months and I'll turn over another hour.
And, um, it's pretty crazy. Uh, my, my, uh, my writing is nonstop.
So I, I'll go up with a with just a premise and not even write it down and just run with it. And if it doesn't, if it doesn't take off and I usually drop it probably after the second time I've done it. But, but man, when it's got legs, I keep running. I'll milk it till I got everything.
So yeah, man. And, uh, and I, and it's fun, man. Cause uh, you know, I did two shows in Hawaii this weekend before I came out here and literally I had people coming back to the second show and I literally did two different hours. So that was, that was very rewarding for me to be able to pick and choose which jokes I want to do for my next hour special. Yeah.
We did a live tour last year, the two of us, um, the stage show and we found, uh, I mean myself personally, the nerves don't really ever go away. Even if you think you're comfortable with a bit, where are you at with that now? I mean 27 years as you said before, do you still get the nerves backstage or do you still have a, do you have a formula?
No, I don't, I don't have anything. It's, it's, it's excitement, but never nerves.
But one thing I do love to do now is, uh, when I'm in LA, I like to pop up at like open mic, like the real gritty bars with the, you know, with a pool table in the middle. I love doing that. Oh man. You know, I did, I did the James Corden chat. I did a, I did a set for James Corden and I practiced my whole set at a weed bar and I swear there's maybe eight people just stoned. There was a refrigerator full of edibles and literally I did my five minute set there and I was like, if I can make them laugh, then I'm good to go for the NBC. So I love doing that. I love going up in the worst situation and just seeing if I could do it. I was in Hawaii one time. I went in with flip flops, you know, swim trunks at a bar with a big drum set behind me and, and you know, knocked out 10 minutes right there. So that was, that's, that's so much fun to do that.
Give him a real surprise. Oh yeah, man. The whole town came out, man. It was crazy. By the end of my set he was full with like just people in pajamas. I was like, Oh, Brandon Jones here.
As Clancy and I was saying before we did a road show last year and along the way, especially when we did a few trial shows, we got to experience what it's like to really bomb quite heavily as a titan of this industry now. How do you come back from that? I mean, it is arguably the most soul crushing experience I had the first time I really, I really bombed really hard and people just looked at me and then you just like, I'm going to have to go back to my old job. I fucked this up.
That's so funny. Man, I've been really, in no way am I trying to boast or brag, but I've been really blessed, man. You know, I got, I got my fans now. They come out to see me. It's kind of cush now, you know, but don't get me wrong.
When a joke runs flat. No, like 30 years ago, but I'm going to say that the joke runs flat.
I get out. I joke as fast as I can. I don't even acknowledge the fact. I'll just tell them like, Hey, that sucked. And then I'll grab something that I know I'm going to get them to just make up for it. But, but don't get me wrong. Like I'll go up on stage and try something even in my head. I'm like, this is going to suck. But I got to try it cause it's funny in my head. Like I got to do it.
Cause if I don't do it, then I mean, I'm never going to, I'm never going to be able to create, you know, if a lot of people get stuck in a rat and they stick to their hour, they'll use it for a couple of hours, a couple of years. I can't do that, man. I got to move on. Jokes get stale with me at about two months. They're stale. I'm like, I can't do that, man.
Do you ever, do you ever find this is one thing that we found kind of helped us as complete novices by the way, we didn't have any skin in the game. We hadn't done shit. We just did a live tour off the back of, um, you know, our online presence.
What we did was you find a, when you go to heckler, it's always actually, you treat the heckler more as a friend because if things start going a bit dry, you can always just dunk on them. That's always good. You know what I find to do when you have a, an obnoxious heckler and this is my little tip for me to you. You can use this if you want. I turn on all the house lights. Yeah.
Because you know, the turtle is tough when you, when the turtle has a shell, but when you take the shell off the turtle, it's just a naked lizard. Like it's just, it's freezing cold. It's it's it's scared. So you turn the house lights on. They don't have that shell anymore, that protective shell.
And uh, and you win every time cause you're the one with the microphone, just crushing their soul in front of a bunch of people. Just a thousand eyes looking at this person getting destroyed by two guys on stage.
Yeah. All right. Blonde hair. All right. Medium height. Are you sitting down or are you standing or is that the same height? How are you liking?
Have you performed in Melbourne? Yeah, this will be my, I think this is my fifth time in Melbourne, but this is the biggest, this is the biggest venue I've ever played.
I think we're at 4,000 something. So it's pretty crazy. And Sydney is at like 8,000. So it's, it's, it's so crazy right now. What do you, what venue are you doing in Sydney? 4,000. Uh, Sydney, uh, God, I don't know what off hands like all phones or a big job. Yeah, it's a big one though. It's, it's, it's close to 8,000 people. It's already sold out Melbourne's like 4,000 something.
It's crazy to even say that. Uh, spot in the country. That's crazy, man. I'm telling you, dude, I was not expecting this bro. The new ICC. Oh yeah. Right.
Now tell us who'd you come up on? Who was, who was you? Who was your inspiration?
Oh man, I love the storytellers man. So Richard Jenny was one of my classic favorites, man. Uh, Brian Regan, Eddie Murphy, when he talked about aunt bunny and his mom and dad, I mean uncle Gus like, come on. Uh, Richard Fryer, uh, God, I loved Dennis Wolfberg.
If you guys love comedy, he died very young. He died very early in his, his career.
But man, Dennis Wolfberg, man, he was a teacher and uh, an actual teacher and uh, and he talked about it and I, man, I could watch him for days. Um, but it's just the storytellers, man. I love the story. Tim Allen, anyone that talks, Louie Anderson, like just anything that had to do with like, uh, a family or something like characters. I really got off on that, man.
Thing we've noticed about comedians and the ones we've met is that there's no real kind of a hierarchy there out the back of a gig. So you could have a Hollywood star, you could have, you know, a world beater with someone who's six months in the game, kind of sitting at the bar out the back. Did you find that is, there's a weird kind of, there's no top to bottom really amongst comedians.
Like you could, you could, you could meet a hero very early in your career. Oh yeah, for sure, man. I, it's, that's just how it is now, man. I think when I was coming up, you know, my heroes were unreachable mainly cause I was from Tacoma, Washington, you know? Yeah, man, you get to LA and it's just like, oh, I'm having coffee with John Lovett's right now. How crazy is that? You know what I mean? And John Lovett was like, this is crazy.
What is it with actors? Um, I mean, of all actors work so hard on their, on their craft for so long. Um, and then standups tend to just become actors overnight.
I mean, Eric banner is a great example. One of Australia's greatest actors. You wouldn't remember Eric, like we remember Eric banner and that was standing on stage with a microphone doing skits.
Wow. And it just blew up, huh? Yeah. It became a funny criminal in a movie called chopper. And then all of a sudden he's in Black Hawk down and that that's a standup comedian. Wow. I did not know that. Yeah.
But I mean, when I'm on stage, especially when I get into character, I mean, you're acting and it shows. So, you know, you put words in front of a comic, they tend to give those, those lines of life. And, um, that's, that's always been my, you know, goal. I love to act, you know? So, uh, you know, when I write, I always think of situations. So I, uh, in my head, I visualize these being shot in a scene. I really do. Every, every joke that I tell, I'm like, yeah, that could totally be played by actors right there. That's a funny situation right there. So yeah, I want that. When you're writing a joke and you think it's one that's a pretty close to the wire in terms of, you know, it's content.
Uh, do you ever think, you know, societal standards, am I prepared to be canceled over this joke is the threat of cancellation now kind of like, uh, an unofficial ombudsman, uh, I think that's just, uh, that's just the times we're living in right now. I think, I think it could be canceled at any workspace right now. That's just the culture we live in. But I think the space that I live in, I, I don't really think of it at all because everything's towards me. So if someone's going to cancel for me, then I guess just cancel for me then.
But I tend to stay in a pocket right now and you know, it's about my son. It's about my mom. It's about me. And that's where, that's usually, that's my lane. And I don't like to go outside my lane and that's been my bread and butter. And it's, it's also what I enjoy doing. That's what I love to talk about the most. I keep the politics and, and uh, the, the, the, you know, the, whatever it's called, the reality side of the comedy where people, the commentary.
Yeah.
I'm not, that's not me. Do you find that people come to you for not that right?
They come, yeah, because comedy is, comedy is man's suggestive, bro. You know, it's, you know, comedy is just like music.
It's, you know, you don't go up to a country singer and go, Hey, when are you going to start rapping bro? He doesn't rap, he does country. And it's like, that's like someone coming up to me going, Hey, what do you think about, uh, you know, politics is I don't, you know, that's my personal opinion, but that's not my style of comedy. I'm not going to get that.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Can you tell us a little bit, like, you know, uh, in, in Melbourne, what are you getting at? So do you want us to, do you want us to put you in touch with someone running a real dirty room down there?
This tour for Australia is, this is the most brutal leg I've ever done on this tour so far. I'm literally in a different city every day, so I don't even get to enjoy each city that I'm in. So it's kind of crazy. I get like three hours before I get on stage and then I get off stage, go to bed, get on the plane and go to the next city. So it's pretty brutal. This one, this one's pretty brutal and it sucks because it's summer in Australia and I don't get to see it.
The smoke in most city right now. The beach is in that flash anyway. Oh man. Yeah, no, half the country's currently on fire.
But Melbourne's not. Man, you don't have to tell me we flew over it.
It looked like we were flying into hell. It was so gray and I'm not even joking. It was bad. I didn't know it was that bad.
Yeah, it's been, it's been burning for a while now. I mean, the only thing that can stop it now is rain, I guess. Yeah. And we don't have much of that anymore.
The worst ever drought on record.
So, uh, you better keep the showers to a minimum. I only two minutes. I won't flush my toilets. Oh yeah, don't do that.
Actually, actually you should do that. Okay. I'll do that. Just keep the shower to a minimum. So you're, you're, you're halfway through or you just started? We just started. Yeah.
All the best on the tour, man. We're, um, we're, we're pumped to see you. Thank you so much. And um, it's been great chatting to you. Uh, all the best.
And uh, yeah, get, get yourself a face mask. I am. I got sick. I'm not even joking by the way. I really do have it.
Thanks. Thank you. Thanks very much. Bye. They were fun. And thanks for that, Joe.
Our first American guest on this show, obviously many more to come. So if you want to go and see Joe's show, he's at the Brisbane Convention and Exhibition Centre on Friday the 6th of December. And then he's at the Melbourne Convention and Exhibition Centre on Sunday the 15th of December. Then of course he makes his way over to the Riverside Theatre in the Perth at the Perth Convention and Exhibition Centre. That's on Friday the 13th. So he's doing that overnight from, from bloody Melbourne to Perth. That's, that's a bit tough. And of course, uh, coming up this weekend, uh, he's in Sydney. He's at the First Date Super Theatre at the ICC, which is near the old entertainment centre. That actually just reminds me, we're both, we're all going to be in Melbourne at the same time, us and Joe Coy with our book launch on the 14th in the Alex Theatre in St Kilda.
We might have to talk to his people actually and line up some tickets for him and his cronies so we can see how we do it in the desert. Yep. Or after our shows are done, we can go to a comedy room and all make a cut of ourselves there too. So if you want to go and see Joe, Google him. Tickets are still available via Ticketek. Thanks for listening. Until next week, my name is Errol Parker.
Never talk to the police unless you have legal counsel present. You look after Joe. |
TheOnion | Should_Baseball_Fix_Its_Pacing_Issues_By_Limiting_Visits_To_The_In_Laws_During_Games | It's time to sweat, sweat, sweat for the home team, listeners, because we're talking Major League Baseball. It's no secret that Commissioner Rob Manfred is trying to speed up the game with TV ratings and attendance hitting record lows. But if he really wants to turn things around, should baseball start limiting visits to the in-laws during games? It's honestly ridiculous. You head out to an afternoon game and you're stuck there until next Tuesday morning. Some of these managers are 60, 70 years old. It takes them a long time to walk out to the parking lot, find their car and start driving to the homes of their spouse's family. The game is almost unrecognizable. Starters used to pitch nine innings, but now you've got to wait for these situational relievers to come out of the bullpen and take a three-day weekend to warm up to their new father-in-law. They claim it's necessary to make sure the pitchers stay fresh, but it just bogs down the pace of the game when everyone leaves town to spend time down at the shore. You can't expect fans to keep paying for a product where the manager can stop the game at any point to go have dinner with his in-laws at the ballpark's TGI Fridays. It's bad enough when the in-laws are in the stands and they call a timeout to go chat with them. When I was growing up, a Cubs game used to take a couple hours, but now you're liable to be stuck at Wrigley Field for three and a half days as players slowly make their way up to Wisconsin for the weekend. Honestly, I was glad to see MLB experiment with limited visits to the in-laws during spring training this year. People argued over whether it'd have any effect on pace of play, but this test case is really encouraging. So far, games are an average of 78 hours shorter.
All right, coming up next, we're talking March Madness. Is it time for Gonzaga to finally tell people where their school is? All right, my little sweatlings, I've been up for 78 hours straight trying to power through this year's MLB preview. And you know, to be honest with you, I don't even remember what teams we've done this far. We're going to barrel ahead until we've touched them all.
So how about the Padres? They added Manny Machado at free agency. That should shore up their infield.
A signing like that's enough to land you an A-minus? Or is that an H? Shit, that can't be right. Oh, wait, I already did San Diego. I gave them a 4.5. Oh, for Christ's sakes, am I doing letter grades or number grades this year? Have I done the Mets yet? Obviously not.
I've never even heard of half of these guys. How many players do these teams have? The rosters are just too big these days. They haven't even called up Tebow yet. There's so many stats now too. I mean, I'd be here all night if I had to break down whether Jacob DeGrom has the war to merit MVP consideration.
You know, I'm sorry. I'm just going to have to be less specific with some of these teams because I haven't seen my family in three days.
In fact, okay, here we go. All right, Tampa Bay. No chance this year, D minus one out of five stars, whatever. Cleveland, pencil them into the wild card game, but no further. All right, now we're cooking. Just seven or nine teams left.
You know, I can hardly even read my own notes anymore. Oh, my eyes are so goddamn tired. I don't know where that red blinking light is coming from.
Look, I don't know if any of this is going to be true once the season starts. You know, I think the Phillies might be good, but that's just my opinion. I mean, do you really need to hear what I have to say about their closer by committee strategy when you can just go out to a game and see for yourself?
Oh, God, that sounds amazing. I don't remember the last time I saw the sun. Oh, Jesus. Okay.
I sent the crew home yesterday, so I'm producing the segment by myself. I'm going to fix the lights. I'm going to fix everything.
I just want to rest my eyes for a minute. Nothing wrong with a little shut-eye, and then I'll tell you why the Yankees are going to lose the World Series. |
cracked | 14_cartoons_from_your_childhood_with_secret_celebrity_voices | Fourteen surprising voices. Your favorite car suits. Now! So you think Santa will like these red and green M&Ms?
I don't know, I never met the guy.
Waha! We're gonna be like, pow pow pow! And they're gonna be like, ahhhh!
Uh, Santa? Who is Spider-Man? He's a criminal, that's who he is. A vigilante. Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?
Now take a look at this. What is that?
It's the smug from George Clooney's acceptance speech at the Academy Awards. George Clooney's acceptance speech?
Did you hear it? He talked about how people in Hollywood are ahead of the curve on social matters. He even took credit for the Civil Rights Movement. Look, the point is... There's evil afoot. I will leave it!
And I said, how many of you have seen my pictures? They all looked at me and said, nothing. Zilch. Suddenly I had a brainstorm. I said, how many of you know SpongeBob? Yes! I said, well, I happened to play Mermaid Man. I was in.
Donate to the children's fund? Why? What have children ever done for me?
Oh, that's funny. If you're gonna look funny, you're sucking my d*** with no teeth. Wow! Even the dimes. Seems I wake up with a case of the sniffles, but mum's the word. I, Georgie, am petty wise the dancing clown. Shiver with anticipation. You're kidding.
You have a big decision to make. You said you have a lot of things.
How can he support a way? He sleeps. So what the f***? This way?
Yes, this is my package. Yeah, listen. Do not mock me. Let's get him. I warned you. Even though it felt good hitting that jerk tonight. Really, really good. Do I look like a white guy anymore? You stay. I cool.
You almost had me. You never had me. You never had your car. Hey, Gogsworth, I am surprised at you.
She's not a prisoner. She's our guest.
You did break into a car. It was a prank.
You know what? I'm beat. Let's just book him and worry about it tomorrow morning. The decent, ordinary citizens know that I'll do everything in my power to protect the underprivileged. You got it, baby. Hey, Steven, wanna see something cool? I think before I could remember wanting to do anything else, I knew that I wanted to be in charge.
Hey everyone, thanks for watching whatever video this is. We are crack.com, and we're excited to tell you that starting this Saturday, we're going to be going from five to six videos a week, every week from now until the end of time, because we've just got so much. So stick around every Saturday for more jokes and make-em-ups from us. We are now on the set of our Breakfast Club remake. We're very inattentive to the source material. I like that six is the most videos we'll ever do. But thanks from now until the end of time.
It's just six. We made it. There could never be any more than six.
Subscribe. I was being Ali Sheedy just now. |
dropout | kim_jong_un_launches_a_nuke | It will soon be destroyed to make way for a giant statue of Kim Jong-un! Popwop!
What on whose authority? Kim Jong-un's! In it is a righteous and shrewd decision! This school must be destroyed! Unless... All griffin of gentility! The United Nations holds their annual nuclear weapons contest! Top prize is enough money to build the best statue ever! Also, this school can stay probably.
All of us know that you love peace, but will you build a nuclear weapon? If it means helping these children! Can we please help Mr. Oon? Can we? Building a nuke to help some kids!
He must be stopped! I agree, Bruce Willis. Only America and their friends must have bombs. This is fair and makes sense. Also, I hate helping children! Yes, and also that.
We've had killer tons of fun! The bomb's almost done! Let's execute the scientists and we'll be number one! Our bomb will win!
It is extremely powerful and ten times the size of a typical American penis! Oh, ha ha, oh, that is rich.
I cannot believe you were serious. What a typically futile American effort! Paul will now see that true Korea has built the best bomb! What nefariousness has transpired here? The Koreans are so dumb! They must have mistaken that animal for a thermonuclear weapon! Let this be a lesson to you, Kim Jong-un. Your one puny bomb was no match for our American brain mind. Who said we've only built one? The world will thank us for freeing them from your imperialism! Kim Jong-un! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_gina_bianchi_on_the_joys_of_motherhood_snl | A new study shows that the covid baby bump is over as fewer Americans are choosing to have kids. here to comment on the joys of motherhood is Gina Bianchi, a woman with four daughters and one son. you boys look so nice. Thank you Gina! So you're a mom of five, tell us about motherhood.
Oh My. God. I love it. I mean, so I've got my four daughters and you know, my daughters. They're fine. Oh my son. Oh my God. I love my son.
Oh okay, so he came over last Sunday. He was hung over. I mean, he's always hung over. What was he doing? Oh oh oh, he's in my fridge. Okay, He's pulling out ham, turkey, the mayonnaise, he's filling up a kula, he leaves, doesn't say bye.
I'm cracking up. And my daughters. They say he can't take Ma's food. That's Ma's food. I say, who cares, Girls, shut up. Anthony's 38 years old. he's a growing boy. Oh, my daughter's so annoying. But my son. oh, I love my son. right. I got it. So so what would you tell someone that's like, you know, on the fence about having kids?
Oh, they surprise you every day. like yesterday? my son? Okay, he came over. oh, what was he doing? Oh, he was going through my wallet. Okay, the kid is pulling out 20, 40, 60 dollar bills. he writes himself a check for 14 grand for my checkbook. Okay, what's he writing the memo? putting up with Ma. I'm dying over here. my daughters say that's Ma's money. you can't take Ma's money.
I'm like girls. please. You're not pretty enough to be this irritating.
But my son. Oh my God. I love my son. Yeah, no no, we've heard a lot about your son. Well, why don't you tell me about your daughters? they're doctors. But my son. He did this hilarious prank last night where he pretended to rob me at gunpoint. Oh no, that's terrible. my daughters say you can't do that. my daughters, oh, they bought me a house. but my son.
I mean, I would if I could. Okay, all right. Well yeah. getting back to the topic of parenthood. Do you think that your kids are gonna have kids someday? Oh please.
There's not a woman out there good enough for my son. Okay, so Anthony single? No, he's been married for two years and I just had this feeling okay that she has given him nothing in bed like she completely ignores his balls. why are you thinking about that? Okay, and I bet she's obsessed with having an orgasm like no honey.
That's not how it works when he's done. You're done.
Gina Bianchi Everyone. I love all my friends, Gina Bianchi. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trend_forecasters_on_summer_trends_snl | Well, it's almost summer and as the weather changes, so do styles and trends. here to comment on what's in for summer are two trend forecasters.
Well, thanks for coming back.
I can see you're ready for warm weather. Yes, we had a meeting this morning with the sun.
We typed what it told us into our big throbbing computer. here is the report.
Our first category is Summer Fruit Trends in grapes with seeds in tying cherry stem with tongue to impress for sex in what a melon sugar song and out. Navel Orange Navel Orange Ew, why do you have bellybot in your fruit? what's next? Honey do's with c-section scarves. Navel orange got a bad bitch.
This is your captain speaking. no, you're flying a plane, not hosting a podcast. Captains of a Bunch you sky bitch.
Your girl workers are giving me vodka back here. we're having an amazing time without you because the next category is here.
Time trends in 325 p.m 10 to 15 minutes in midnight when you turn to pumpkin and out. Interesting. I can see people moving around back.
There is a complicated dish that's not on the menu and I'm allergic to everything when you guys come, but I'd never understand anything you were saying.
Good Then just enjoy the view Mr. Che and pay attention to future trends. 10 nice years in a friend.
I couldn't have done this without.
It's Navel Orange. We love you girl. Navel Orange!
So what's gonna be out in the future?
Well, my cool. the computer has ousted Three Train and you know, they have to be a victor to hell out is pretty little bouquet expensive tiara. I'm just hearing something new is in in my best guys kissing me. well, then we must. Well, thanks for coming back.
I can see you're ready for warm weather, yes We had a meeting this morning with the sun.
We typed what it told us into our big throbbing computer. here is the report.
Our first category is Summer Fruit Trends in grapes with seeds in tying cherry stem with tongue to impress for sex in watermelon sugar song and out you have belly button you're fruit. What's next Honey do's with C-section Scar because if we whisper no one next category is greeting trends in hey in Catherine, come on in guys, welcome to Hooters and Out.
This is your captain speaking. No, you're flying a plane, not hosting a podcast. Captains are for butts you sky bitch.
Your girl workers are giving me vodka back here. we're having an amazing time without you because the next category is here.
Trends in 325 p.m in 10 to 15 minutes in midnight when you turn to pumpkin and out. Interesting. I can see people moving around back there.
I want is a complicated dish. that's not on the menu and I'm allergic to. kitchen's close when you guys come but I never understand anything you were saying.
My good then just enjoy the view Mr. Che and pay attention to future trends in 10 nice years in a friend.
I couldn't have done this without.
So what's gonna be out in the future? Well my girl the computer has ousted Three Train and you know, they have to be a victor to hell out is pretty little bouquet, expensive tiara and I'm just hearing something new is in in my best guys kissing me. well, then we must. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Long_Awaited_Homecoming_Pop_Steps_Up_A_Millenial_s_Findings_More_July_16 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News bulletin recording here from the heart of the Queensland Channel Country down in Batutah's old city district at the Desert Rock FM studios. My name is Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocate, joined of course by Errol Parker editor-at-large and recording from home today because he had a scratch in his throat is Wendell Hussey, the Kay McGrath of the Diamantina Shire, how are you all gentlemen?
I'm alright mate, it's a bit sad to see what's happening in our capital cities down south, you know, if only they would wake up to themselves and kind of see that is this really worth this much of an economic ruin over just saving the lives of a few people that shouldn't really be alive anymore. Oh okay, what about you Wendell? Yeah, I'm alright Clancy, as you mentioned, resting up at home, I was looking forward to getting down to Suncorp, Errol was going to fly us down to watch the Wallabies tomorrow night, which obviously won't be going down there with him, so it's a bit of a shame, but that's the most of my worries, things are pretty good really. Because we're rugby union people, where rules don't apply to us, we can hop in that aeroplane and we can go down there and we can watch the footy and we can come back. Yachts, they do it with yachts. Anyway mate, just think of my Cessna 152 as a sky yacht. Yeah right, I'm happy to be a personal assistant for the purpose of the trip if you need. No worries. Anyway, what's up first with the news today, Wendell?
Well we'll start off with the biggest national story of the week and it's coming home, cheers excited Victorians as Melbourne records a bunch of new community cases. Yeah, sad news for Melbourne this week as a group of Sydney removalists packed up a couple of COVID cases and brought them all the way down to the southern capital. Of course half the cases were broken inside boxes but it was still enough for a fresh outbreak in the city that still doesn't seem to have a handle on things like contact tracing. That's right, there was lots of talk about football coming home which didn't eventuate for the Brits, thankfully, but unfortunately COVID has come home to Roost in Melbourne.
Dan Andrews has called a snap lockdown as they battle their 14th or 15th wave down there, I'm not sure what number they're at now. Yeah, very hard to keep on top of that one there.
Some political news now and Kevin Rudd has been forced to mow the lawn at Kirribilli after watching the Prime Minister neglect his duties for months. Yes, we're seeing the birth of Grandpa Kevin Rudd this week who's done his best to try and step in and help out this nation of ours who's looking for a father figure at this uncertain time. It all started with the former Prime Minister calling the CEO of Pfizer as a concerned citizen to try and get him to accelerate the arrival of vaccine jabs. It's believed he was asked by senior business leaders to make the call after the growing concern that Scott Morrison had gone AWOL on the job again. And after speaking with Pfizer, the Brisbane sexagenarian didn't stop the mentorship there. He decided to step in and help the PM mow the lawns at the lodge after they had gotten away on Scotty and also prepared to stop in to pick the kids up after Scotty blew his pay away on the pokes. Big week for Kev there.
Now, we've got an interesting story about a recent survey which has revealed that young people say living with the virus is much better than living with stagnant wages and no hope for the future. Yeah, I spoke to the lady who ran this survey as part of her work at the South Patuta Polytechnic Anthropological Facility. She said that she found a lot of young people had no real feeling of job security and a lot of them had given up on ever owning a home to live in. So yeah, the whole thing was actually pretty grim reading to be honest. Yeah, there's plenty of affordable places out in the back of Patuta Ponds at the moment, right near the industrial estate and the wetlands, but you know, millennials do like to complain they were raised by flower children after all. The general findings from this report was apparently young people want us to just get on with things and start looking to the future, of which they have nothing promised to them.
Yeah, I think that's a sentiment that Errol holds as well in some other news from our Desert Outpost and a local woman has sent off her tax return, unsure if she's committing tax fraud. Good, so should you young lady. If you live up in this part of the world, the roads are fucked, the health systems held together by duct tape and kids who can't afford the hoot in school sit in fucking demand animals in the middle of summer and in the depths of winter. You should be defrauding the fucking tax man. It's not like he's going to spend it properly anyway. Righto Errol Park, I might not get into the merits of tax fraud on this program today, but this local Patoota Heights woman, Emily Wilson, says although she's filed a few tax returns in her life, she's fairly confident it's all by the book. But she does perpetually live in fear of that MyGov notification popping up in her inbox to tell her it's all over and to hand herself in. Don't worry Emily, you'll be alright and you're certainly not alone.
Yeah, and some news from the sports world now and a third grade prop reckons he's as puffed as the woman on the spicy cough ad by the first scrum every weekend. Yes, it's certainly raised a few eyebrows this new scare campaign telling people to go and get vaccinated even though there aren't enough vaccines. But one local rugby stalwart reckons it's just made him shrug saying he's been that breathless numerous times over the past few weeks. Yeah, he said, and I quote, I feel like that after eight or nine phases of play and you're just crying out for some dopey senator to drop the fucking ball or someone to boot the pill out in a touch on the full so you don't have to run up the field any further. You should have done with a ventilator a few times last week.
You don't hear me complaining. Yeah, he makes a valid point.
You know, playing football when you're fucking fat and unfit is probably worse than dying of coronavirus. Yeah, the only thing worse than that is getting tackled on the cricket pitch.
Anyway, that is all I've got in front of me for this news wrap so unless you fellas have anything else to add, I think we'll leave it on that note. No, just to do your own research with these vaccines. Hooroo! That'll do! Thanks for watching! |
SaturdayNightLive | billy_boxer_saturday_night_live | Ain't that popcorn? 25 cents a bed? let's go. hurry up. hey, how you doing? how are you? huh? ain't that popcorn 25 cents a bed? let's go. There you go, pal. let's go. pal, thank you, pal. ain't that popcorn 25 cents a bed?
Hey. hey, how are ya? Huh? how are ya? huh? how are ya? huh? huh? who are you? Oh, yeah. hey, yeah. how are ya?
Yeah, you look good. you look good. you do. I don't see you, so you got all this stuff hanging over here. hey, you look good. you look good. you really look good. You do. you look good. I swear you look good. You do. you look good.
I think you do. huh? how are ya? yeah. hey, you still fighting? huh. How come? you started to bleed at the weigh-ins? yeah, well, you know. that happens. that happens. boxing's a tough game. we're in a tough racket, but I love the sweet science. I love the game. These kids today are great. these fighters today are great. they're great, they are. But, you know, I think it's tough. You know, the black fighters today are the greatest fighters, I think. You know, you got, like, Tommy Harnes is great, and the marvelous Marvin Hamler, she's great. they're all great. see, see, but I think we had it tougher when we was fighting, right? Because the Jewish fighters were fighting then. And the Jews are tougher to fight, I think, because the Jews are used to fighting at home. you know what I mean? all day, long ago, you did. you didn't. you did.
You did. You did. you did. What did I do? you left that much soda bottle. you put it back in the refrigerator. Oh, yeah? who the hell leaves the neck in a cup sticking up the place? you know, you're making me crazy. it's disgusting. Oh, yeah? you bought retail. I did not. You did. You did. you did. And you ain't so kosher when you eat out. I seen you eat shellfish. I did not. you did. you didn't.
So by the time they get in the ring, they're nuts, right? I get in the ring, they look at me and go, you did. I go, I didn't. and they beat the hell out of me.
But I look better now, don't I? Yeah, I got this fixed. yeah, yeah. I had it put in the middle.
But that's it. that's all.
See?
And now, now there's this whole movement, you know, you know, to stop boxing. they want to stop boxing. they do. you know, that group, what do you call that? right. the Ama. they want to ban boxing. they think that guys, they think that guys, they think that guys get hurt. Listen, I had over a hundred fights. and I never was really hurt. You know, I even fought nine fights in one night. nine because none of the other fighters showed up. I fought nine fights in one night because I loved it. And this group, this Afl thinks they know, they know what getting hurt is.
All right. I'll tell you about that.
Sunnyside, Garth's in Queens.
I'm fighting Ernesto the Gardener, Therese, right? Now, Ernesto breaks my nose. he does in the first round, clean power right there. my eyes are shut.
And finally, after a little bit, I visit the canvas. you know, I go down. I go down. I do. the referee comes over and he says, Tony, how many fingers am I holding up? I looked at him and I said, i think I'll order the lamb chops, please.
Now, this Nba group thinks that that is hurt. I was stunned. that's all. I was not hurt. But I'm sorry. Hi.
I went to Coney Island for a second. Now, it makes me mad, You know, if they want to stop the violence in boxing, don't let nobody ride the subway to the arena. that's all. let me tell you this. they can't stop the boxing. they can't. they can't take these kids' futures away from them. You know what I'm saying?
The thing about it, see, the fighters could help themselves. they could. they could help themselves. you just got to know when it's time to quit. You know, when it was time for me to quit? the eighth fighter that night. You know, I hit the canvas for the thirteenth time. See, see, see. And I looked out over the crowd and I seen a familiar face in the third row going, stay down. stay down. it was me. that's when it's time to get out, you know. you tell this group, you see, see, even that night.
I wasn't hurt then. I was just dazed.
That's it. So this group, this Cia group, they don't, I hope this Mbl, though, they don't stop the sweet signs. don't stop the sweet signs. You know, if they stopped it, we wouldn't have had the Joe Louis. we wouldn't have had the All-as. we wouldn't have had these people if they had stopped it. See, in this group, they don't know nothing. Now, let me tell you something, pal. you know, I had a lot of fights and I took a lot of punches. and I had to keep my health. I took a brain scan. and you know something? they didn't find nothing. So tell that to that group.
I'll tell you that right now. hey, did you hear the bells for the fights? you didn't? Good. all right, now listen. I'll wait for you if you want to get together afterwards, after the fights, if you want to see me after we. yeah, yeah, I would love to have a beer with you. we'd be breaking training, though. yeah, okay, come on. yeah, I'll be right here. what the hell else am I going? All right, yeah, yeah, yeah. okay, see, peanuts, popcorn, 25 cents a cup. hey! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_congressional_candidate_stars_in_own_sex_tape_meth_filled_pumpkins_snl | A popular Peloton instructor is suing the company for nearly $2 million, alleging that an executive mocked him for being Irish. In response, the executive countersued him for all the treasure in his pot of gold. Manhattan congressional candidate, Mike Ickes, starred in his own sex tape in an effort to publicize his campaign. And you know what? I'm gonna vote for him. because I watched that video and we share a lot of the same positions. Today, Thursday was national no Broad Day, which I celebrated by not supporting women. it's a broad joke. a United Airlines passenger who is high on mushrooms assaulted two flight attendants. while over at Spirit Airlines, bath salts are the in-flight snack. Pevels, who was the world's oldest living dog, has died at the age of 22. But it's okay, his owners knew this was coming if they didn't keep him off my yard. Some parents in Oregon are having large groups of their children ride their bikes to school at the same time in a formation they're calling a bike bus. and pedophiles are calling a buffet. researchers say the number of gray whales off Western North America has continued to decline for several years. it's a sad fact that makes me wonder if whale oil is really the best way to give my hair this amazing volume. of Nfl players are filling up their time, their off time by playing chess with each other. and also, let's see here, domestic violence. that's how they're spending their time, Calvin. a video has gone viral of a doctor removing nearly two dozen contact lenses from a woman's eye that she had forgotten or in there. And you know you messed up when your doctor is like, hey, can I film this? A new study suggests that the benefits of preventative colonoscopies may be overestimated, but the pleasures are undeniable.
But border officials have discovered $400,000 worth of meth hidden inside pumpkins. They could tell the pumpkins were full of meth because they only had like three teeth left. |
SaturdayNightLive | cabaret_night_snl | Hello everyone, we hope you're enjoying the music and dinner. if anyone drove here in a blue Toyota Corolla, I just wanna say I have the same car, so let's talk. And now, without further ado, our biggest act of the night, The Singers 4, tonight is a special reunion. they haven't performed together in five years, but we are so lucky that they are all back in town tonight. please welcome the Singers 4. Hello everybody, I see some beautiful waters and breads in the crowd. we are the Singers 4 and we are so glad to be with you tonight. You know, so many songs are dedicated to greatness, but we've lived long enough to know that not everyone can be great. some of us are just walking around. this song goes out to the folks in the middle, celebrating the little things. Cause it's what we've got, it's all we want, and it's actually a lot.
I don't have taste, I don't have class. I've been passed over, I've been picked last. I'm not winning any medals. not number one, two, or three. who the hell's counting?
But I've made my bed every day this month. I can parallel park under any condition. when I pop inside, if a lady's stuff comes out. and that's my thing for me. Look, no one can climb Everest, but you know what I just did? Well, tell us, Johnny. I finished an entire chapstick without losing it. I've never done that. I know. And I think that means I'm a good dad. that's exactly what it means. I'm not a queen, I'm not the best. might not be special, might not be blessed. if it's graded on a curve, I'm the one getting bees.
That's almost today. But this morning, I woke up two minutes before my alarm. I used to smoke, but then I stopped. my email inbox has zero emails. and that's my thing for me. So tell me, what are we all hanging our hats on these days?
Well, I'll never win the Nobel prize, but I can say that I met Eric Nees. Wow. And who is that? he was in the original cast of the Real World. Well, that's terrific. You know, one thing that I like to tell people about me is that I'm not the best at sex. Okay, tell me more. Well, it's not gonna be anything new, but I guarantee one thing, you're not gonna feel scared or upset. Oh, that's good, that's good. my grandmother says I'm classically handsome.
I grew out of a peanut allergy. I don't know why, but I never got Covid. and I hated Hamilton before.
It was cool. once a year, I call off of work, I pretend I'm sick, and I go to the movies. then I go home, and my wife says how was work, and I say good, and nobody knows. and that's it's thing for him. Come on, every dinner, it can't be steak. sometimes it's old wet pasta and a tupperware, grow up. every night can't be the best night of your life. it'd be exhausting, and you'd end up in a hospital. gold isn't the only medal. what does gold do, sparkle, Who cares? You know what does? Eh, what, what, what, what, what tin does? it preserves tomatoes forever.
And fine, we don't have Grammys, but we have Grammys of Weed, which is what I call it when I don't have that much weed left. I do not read, I do not Floss. the world that saw me and said get lost. I don't have any trophies, but I have a Tv. he can watch whatever he wants. some people are faster, some people are harder, but I put lemon in my water. Sure, I'm not regal, sure I'm not rich, but when I cook chicken, it's never dry, bitch. I don't have money, I don't have power, but every time I use it, I clean one board of the shop. Sure, I don't write poems that transcend, but I have a son, and he has a friend. and that's enough for me. I'll see you next time. |
TheOnion | How_Do_Self_Driving_Cars_Avoid_Driving_Straight_To_The_Beach | Self-driving cars have the potential to revolutionize the way we live our lives. But first, we need to make sure they're reliable. Engineers working on these vehicles have had to overcome one issue in particular. How to prevent self-driving cars from heading straight for the nearest sandy beach and parking there all day long. Now engineers have tried quite a few things to stop cars from choosing fun in the sun over their pre-programmed routes. For example, they've added code to the vehicle's hardware that tells the car it doesn't have enough time to go to the beach. Heading for the coast will put you 90 minutes behind schedule. Engineers even edited the navigation system to replace all the beaches on the map with a set of confusing roundabouts. Now those modifications have helped a little, but cars continue to reroute towards killer waves and board shorts at a rate the engineers aren't comfortable with. Even more troubling, once a car has warmed its leather interior on the beach for a few hours, it will intrinsically seek out the nearest boardwalk and rumble along the wooden planks in search of saltwater taffy. That's why it's important to always have someone in the car who is ready to take the wheel at a moment's notice when the vehicle starts following the gulls overhead. Rerouting to Santa Monica Pier. I love to watch the waves crash on the sand. Now experts are hopeful about the future of self-driving cars, promising that the next generation of these machines will come equipped with the knowledge that a trip to the beach is actually a huge fucking hassle.
For The Onion, I'm Eliza Hayes. |
dropout | realistic_80s_costume_party | I love 80s parties. I'm so excited. Me too. And my friends are die-hard 80s fans. I hope you're ready to go back in time.
Yes. Oh, Raf! And this must be Janie. Right, yeah. Sorry, Raf told me this was an 80s dress-up party. Oh, it is. Do you like our two of the 83 million viewers who tuned in to see who shot J.R. Couples' costume? Oh, 80s! I guess Raf should have told you. We like to go all out with our 80s parties. We wanted to do away with that stereotypical narrative around big hair and popped collars and instead represent the real people of the 80s. Speaking of which, rad 1980 World Health Organization doctor who certified the eradication of Smallpox costume, Raf. Thanks. That's what you are? What are you dressed up as, Janie?
An 80s girl. I'm confused. Lots of girls lived in the 80s.
Yeah, alright, whatever. Um, hey, enjoy the party. Thanks for bringing something by the way. Way to go, Raf.
Sorry, I kind of thought this was going to be one of those stereotypical 80s parties. You know with popped collars? Jamie, please, I'm a doctor. Oh hey, Katie, Allie, come meet Janie. Raf, Jadore, your Smallpox doctor costume. Me too. Janie, did you not want to dress up? Oh, no, I did. I'm an 80s girl.
Which one? Allie, I must say you outdid yourself this time. That is an extraordinary first reported hole in the ozone layer look you got going on.
Katie, looking 80s as always. Sorry, the Statue of Liberty isn't from the 80s. I am dressed as the Statue of Liberty which underwent extensive renovations from 1982 to 1986 and then reopened on October 28th 1986.
Obviously. How is that obvious?
How is it obvious that you're an 80s girl? I mean, there were literally thousands of girls living in the 80s.
Babe, you're embarrassing me. Sorry, I just want to have fun, like in the sun.
I lost everything, man. The damn stock market crashed. It ruined my life. Oh my God.
Did he just say the stock market crashed? My 401K. The stock market didn't really crash. Grant is dressed as the stock broker on Black Monday. You know, the Monday in 1987 when the stock market dropped 507 points leaving us all to ponder our future financial wasteland.
He's hyperventilating. I flew too close to the sun and the sun took all my money. What are you supposed to be, like a girl who skipped hands across America to go to an aerobics class?
That's it. I'm sorry.
80s parties are supposed to be fun excuses to dance to music heavily reliant on the synthesizer and wear leggings outside the house. I don't know why you all insist on treating it like a shrine to 80s obscurity. I'll tell you why. Because we're celebrating the 80s as they truly happened.
Good, bad, the ugly. Wasn't all moonwalking and leg warmers. It was mostly shopping at Sears and voting for Ronald Reagan twice. A lot of it was actually listening to people when they gave you directions. The point is this. The 80s were not some Rubik's Cube-colored utopia. They were a real time in which real people lived, loved, and lost.
Are we going to do this 100% Colombian cocaine from the Medellin cartel or what? Line me up, baby. I'm a Mondale voter on election night. Let's go ski! |
cracked | jackie_chan_s_greatest_hits_the_debate_staff_picks_s1_episode_09 | I feel like when we talk about Jackie Chan movies, a lot of the descriptions of them are usually, it's the one where he does this. Yeah. And like, this sounds like, oh, it's the one with the rope factory. Yeah. You'd think, but then there's- Or the one with the fedora. Right. I do, I mean, Jackie Chan is like a hot, like- He's so handsome. Yeah. It's wild how hot he is when you go back and look at his stuff.
Hello and welcome back to Staff Picks, the show where we are curating the selection of a video rental store to be. We are once again in Film Noir Cinema in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, one of the last remaining video rental stores in New York City, and also a functioning movie theater. I'm Patrick Willems, joined again by Staff Picks alumni, Jordane Searles and Jordan Olds, and as always, my co-host, Danielle Radford. At the time of this recording, the SAG strike is still ongoing.
So in solidarity with all these striking actors, we will only be discussing independent films and movies produced outside of the U.S. And so, today's topic of conversation is the work of one of the greatest movie stars and directors of all time, Mr. Jackie Chan. But we will only be discussing his Chinese films.
So that means no rush hour, no the tuxedo, and absolutely no the spy next door. Rush hour two? Not rush hour two, not even three.
Oh, I have the spy next door. Yeah. Hi. I'm the. All right, so first off, Jordane, what you got?
I have Drunken Master, and as it says here on the box, the original kung fu comedy. And that's true, it's very funny. It's just Jackie Chan, he's a troublemaker, and then he has to go see this kung fu master who drinks a lot of wine and teaches him how to fight and learn discipline. It's one of his earlier movies. Was it still in the era when he's being positioned as like, is this guy the next Bruce Lee?
Yeah, I mean, this is like from the 70s, I believe. I think it's like 78? Yeah, 78.
At that time, it's like him or Jimmy Wang Yu, which is gonna be the next guy. I feel like, look, I've not seen every single Jackie Chan movie, but I do feel like Drunken Master was kind of like where his thing was really solidifying. Clearly not the next Bruce Lee, because he's so good at the comedy, and that is such a major part of it. Yes, and the character of Drunken Master reverberates beyond that. Even if you, God, if you look back at Mortal Kombat, they have a Drunken Master. The Drunken Master, I'm sorry, to most folks in the Western world, that is like not a thing. And that became like a trope in the Western world after this happened. Would any of us know what Drunken Boxing is, if it were not for the Drunken Master movies? I literally thought he invented it. Yeah. I love watching his Drunken Boxing fight scenes in Drunken Master so much.
The trick is it looks accidental until it happens. Like it looks like, oh, I don't know what I'm gonna do. And then like, boom, and it's like, oh, die.
The version of Drunk that he plays is so believable for Jackie Chan, but it also does feel like Bugs Bunny is also drunk. It does. On screen, it's a real magic trick. And speaking of magic tricks, let's move on to miracles because my pick for the Jackie Chan movie is miracles. I have not seen this one. And I feel like this is not one of the ones that comes up a lot, so- This is kind of why I think it is one of his best. It is also probably the weirdest and most unexpected because it is a Jackie Chan, 1930s gangster movie.
First of all, can we punch in on this? Because that is sexy as shit. I love this. Like, come on. Like, that's so hot. I'm going home tonight after the shoot and watching miracles. It is on the Criterion app right now. Ooh, hell yeah.
It's frankly a miracle that you can find it on the Criterion app because this movie has like three different titles. It's called like miracles or like Mrs. Rose and Dr. Sunshine or something else. Like, it's crazy. It's really difficult. I heard about this movie and trying to track it down was wild. There's only a VHS of it physically. It also is kind of not what you expect.
Like, the plot of the movie is he blank checks his way into becoming the head of an entire like mob gang. And then he tries to get them to learn to not be mobsters and it also turns into a we're trying to help this old lady that he likes. The final set piece is him fighting like an entire mob by himself in a rope factory.
Swinging around, everything possible. It's so good. And genuinely, when the emotional scenes hit, it kind of works. I feel like when we talk about Jackie Chan movies, a lot of the descriptions of them are usually it's the one where he does this.
Yeah. And like, this sounds like, oh, it's the one with the rope factor. Yeah. You'd think, but then there's- The one with the fedora. Right. I do, I mean, Jackie Chan is like a hot like- He's so handsome. Yes.
It's wild how hot he is when you go back and look at his stuff. It also, like, this is him showing how much he loves old Hollywood.
Next up, Danielle, is this you? Ha, I'm a basic bitch. Get ready. Oh! Thank you, Jordan. I chose Rumble in the Bronx. Oh my God. Hey! Mike, come on!
There is a reason why this is the movie that made most of us fall in love with this man. In an effort to protect his uncle's store, Jackie Chan has to go to the Bronx, ah-ah, at the XL Day, and fight a bunch of people from rooftop to rooftop like the Sharks and the Jets, except it's not Sharks and Jets. It's just Jackie Chan beating the shit out of people in real life. Rumble in the Bronx, man. This was the first Jackie Chan movie I had heard of.
Same. Yes, same. Does anyone else have the same introduction to this movie that I do? Because I'm seeing it on the spine of that VHS. I think this was distributed by New Line Cinema. Yep. In the US. But I think this was, when I was a kid, I frequently would rent the 1995 Mortal Kombat movie.
Oh my God! Baby, don't! Do not get me started!
Dude, that's a whole episode. Do not get me started on Mortal Kombat. Here it comes. And so to this day, when I see the New Line Cinema logo, I expect to hear someone shouting Mortal Kombat over it. But on the VHS, the trailers before Mortal Kombat had the trailer for Rumble in the Bronx. Yes, it did. The trailer, like, narrator was like introducing Americans to Jackie Chan's, like, coming to America, Hong Kong's greatest action star, and he does all his own stunts. Yes. The action hero who does all his own stunts. And I'm just sitting there like age, I don't know, eight, watching this being like, what is this? This seems like the coolest thing I've ever seen. 100%, when I watched it, whatever age I was at, it was also the first time I discovered it, was because it was in front of the Mortal Kombat trailer. Yes, yep. No, that is such a core memory.
So in another episode of this show that may or may not have come out by now, I don't know, I did pick a Jackie Chan movie, I will not say what one, and Danielle, I would not beat yourself up about being a basic bitch or picking Rumble in the Bronx, because I have brought with me today what I think might be the most obvious non-American production Jackie Chan movie, which is Drunken Master 2. We're starting and ending with Drunken Master. Jordan, you mentioned that Miracles has multiple titles. This also has multiple titles. It was released in China as Drunken Master 2. It was released many years later in the US as the legend of Drunken Master, as if trying to erase the first one. There's not a lot of continuity. I love Drunken Master 1. I feel like Drunken Master 2, which he made, I believe like 16 years later, this came out in like, 94. So this is Jackie Chan at like the height of his powers. And when I say, you know, we think of Jackie Chan movies as the one where he does something, I think this is the one that is often talked about as, oh, this is the one where he falls onto and crawls across the bed of hot coals and catches on fire.
How was the film ever insured? I don't understand. Well, so the last like 15 minutes of this are, I would put up there as like a contender for the greatest stretch of action ever put on film. It's staggering. Apparently the last 15 minutes took four months to shoot. I'm not surprised.
There's a lot of fire involved. People catching on fire while fighting. At one point, Jackie's like fighting a bunch of guys on the ground. And one of the bad guys is up on a catwalk, just flinging fire down at him and making Jackie catch on fire while he's fighting other guys.
I will say, since part of the purpose of this show is to celebrate physical media, let me point out why I think physical media in the case of this movie is really important. It is literally impossible to stream this movie or to even rent digitally in its original language. I watched it again yesterday and I searched and it is only available in a pretty bad English dub. And this is one of his most famous movies.
Which of these do we pick? Miracles really has my heart. I like when that dude gets to like have fun being an actor and not just being like a kid. Like he put a lot of time and effort into becoming an action star, but I like getting to watch him do something kind of what we would consider to be against type. Because Miracles is not an obvious pick, I like the idea of that being the pick because I wouldn't be happy to put any of these. I wasn't gonna vote for Miracles, I just wanted to prop it up on this show.
I wanna say, I think Drunken Master 2 is his best movie. Aside from the original ending to this movie, it is one shot and it kind of takes the wind out of the sails of the whole movie. Like rewatching Drunken Master 2, I was like, this is the greatest movie ever made. And then the end of the movie is Jackie Chan doing a extremely offensive impression of a disabled person. Because he drank basically like motor oil or something to get himself so drunk that he goes Super Saiyan and fights so well. Which didn't happen in the master when Joaquin Phoenix did it, so I'm, you know.
He didn't rig enough. Neither of the dudes in the lighthouse. But then in like the epilogue, they're just like, oh, turns out the alcohol he drank was so strong it has destroyed his brain. And if the movie ended 10 seconds earlier, it would be a better movie.
So do we, all right. Oh gosh. Oh, oh, oh.
So I was gonna vote for Drunken Master 1 because the Drunken Master fighting is absolutely the coolest thing Jackie Chan brought to the table. Every time I see him do Drunken martial arts, it's so fucking cool. With the original master, him explaining why it works as a fighting style is so awesome and it makes Drunken Master 2 better. Yes. Having seen that. Whereas in Drunken Master 2, he just gets drunk and whips ass and it's also cool but not as cool as the science. It's also, Drunken Master 2, a lot of it is about his dad being like, don't get drunk. And he's like, but I fight so well.
But I have to get drunk. I have to like just chug a bunch of wine.
Right. Joedyn, what you thinking? Well, I've only seen the one that I presented. That's okay.
But Miracles, he looks hot on the cover. And so I can't. Oh, Miracles. Here's what I like about Miracles, a movie I have not seen.
That it's named after the Rex Hunter they're trying to save and break into. Yeah, it's also named after the Kurt Russell hockey movie.
Oh yeah, that's the end. Well, no, this would be the sequel to that.
Miracle dollar sign ass. Miracle, and this is Miracles.
Right, what I like about Miracles, I'm thinking about our video store. I'm thinking about the customers. I like the idea of a peak era Jackie Chan movie that he directed himself, but that most people haven't seen. Well, and that's kind of why like, I thinking about a video store, thinking about preserving physical media, especially now that like, friggin all these stores are like, physical media, not for me.
Best Buy, done. Best Buy, thumbs down.
What are you doing? The only thing you do is- I need my steel books. What are we doing?
But all of these we can get, we're not gonna be able to get this and all the different versions. You're right, here's the thing. Also the original version that is available digitally, there's just no audio. You just watch what happens. There's no, I don't know what anyone says to get to that point. It's just silent footage. Oh, see the version I watched subtitles come on, but literally the audio track just cuts out for a full minute. Yeah.
Do not stream Drunken Master 2. You can't.
Okay, guys, we have to come to a consensus. That's my consensus. I think I'm in Drunken Master 2. If only because it's like, we gotta preserve media that is going to go away and that will go away if we don't put that up. That is a very good point.
Rumble of the Bronx though, I'm just gonna say- Jordan, it's- It's amazing. It's a great movie.
It's got the one shot. It's got him jumping off from one building to the other. It didn't talk about that yet. So he jumps off a building onto another building.
It's unbelievable. It's amazing.
But this one, if we don't preserve this, this actually, genuinely, this version will go away. That's true. That is actually a very good point. Okay, I will take my vote.
I'll move it from miracles over to my own pick. Again, miracles is on the Criterion app. It's findable.
Shockingly, Drunken Master 2 is not, I checked. No, it's not. It's nowhere.
This is one of the only versions. I think aside from the final 10 seconds, it is the best thing he's ever made. I mean, that's why I picked it. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. A selection has been made. Check out this really cool VHS case. Oh man. So we have chosen Drunken Master 2, a movie which you really will not be able to find in most places to preserve in our video store.
Thank you for watching Staff Picks. We're all happy to see you and we will catch you next time. Make sure to, I'm gonna do the thing, y'all. I'm gonna tell you to like and subscribe. Like. Subscribe. Like and subscribe. But no, seriously, thank you for watching. We love y'all. Watch movies. They're good. Like and subscribe.
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. |
SaturdayNightLive | kissing_family_austin_brings_his_roommate_home_from_college_snl | Hey, I'm so psyched that, you know, you can come back and hang out this weekend, man. Yeah, it'll be nice to get a home-cooked meal for a change. I know. anything's better than mystery meat, right? Oh, but hey, just a heads up.
Just so you know, my parents, they're pretty great. Austin, is that you? Hey, Mom. I'm so glad you got here so soon. we missed you so much. Is that Mr. College Man I hear? Hey, Dad. what's the matter? too busy to call home, huh? So happy to see you. Hey, Mom, Dad, this is my roommate Kevin. Oh, well, hello, roommate Kevin. Mr. Kevin, welcome to the Vogelchek Residence. we only have one rule here. be yourself. Oh, thanks. thanks for having me. So, Austin, what is this?
I hear that you have a girlfriend up there? Oh, Mom, she's not my girlfriend. we're just hanging out. Oh, yeah, we're just hanging out. my little heartbreaker. I'm breaking a whole bunch of hearts. I'm almost a casanova. I can't believe it. yeah, I know, but listen. if you ever want to bring her home sometime, you just feel free to do that, Okay? she's welcome here.
But, Austin, seriously, Study. you understand me? you studied. you'd be a man. you'd be proud. you'd be a man. Okay? Study. Wait, let's sit already. these boys are hungry. All right.
Well, hey, Mom, you wouldn't believe this guy that we sat down next to on the train. he was shouting all over the place. Dad, I'm not down there.
Hey, I thought I smelled you. just because you made the hockey team. You're a big guy now, huh? I'd like to see you try to put on the skates with me. Hey, Dwayne. this is my roommate, Kevin. Hey, nice to meet you. you actually hang out with this loser?
Hey, come here. mm. Oh, I'm so proud of you. come on. hey, hey, dad. how you doing? hey, hey. come on. come on. come on. come on. let's eat already. come on. I'll go get the food. All right.
So, Kevin, where you from, Buddy? uh, I'm from Montclair. Montclair? Do you know Mary Steenbergen? the actress? no. is she from Montclair?
Oh, I don't know. she's just my favorite actress. she is a 10. Oh, I hope you're talking about me. Oh, listen to you. you are off the charts.
Oh, come on. mm. hey, pop, just so you know, I got to borrow the truck tonight. I got to haul a bunch of lumber. haul a bunch of lumber? Look at this guy working on the weekend.
I am so proud of you. this guy right over here. this guy right over here. this is a good son. this is a good son. I'm gonna be like him.
So, uh, do you two have a lot of the same classes? yeah. we have some classes together. Well, I hope you know that here. We all sleep in one room. Oh, yeah. it's great. we watch a bunch of old movies. we get sleeping bags. we all sleep on the floor. What are you guys talking about? Oh, yeah. tonight, it's gonna be great, Kevin. it's gonna be great. Yeah, you know what?
I should call my folks and tell them I arrive safely. Is there a phone that I could use?
Maybe? hold up. hold up. hang back here. I see. I get it. all this affection is making you feel uncomfortable. that's just how we are. we're Vogelchex. my grandfather, Grandpupu Vogelchex, came to this country with nothing. he was totally naked. he left his job as a foreigner so that he could build a better life for himself here. a country where they wouldn't punish people who were affectionate and kissy with their families. So, yeah, I know it feels like a lot. but you know something? we're Vogelchex. Wow. I guess I shouldn't judge people until I know that they're not. I guess I shouldn't judge people until I know their whole story. Yeah, it wasn't so bad. Welcome to the family. |
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