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TheOnion | rep_ingersol_s_murder_of_a_hobo | At approximately 3.25 a.m., I approached hobo while said hobo was asleep in parking lot of Victorville area Sizzler. Section 2, I licked my lips. Section 2A, I then produced from within my sport coat, one quarter inch torque wrench. Section 3, I proceeded to bludge and said hobo on and about the head, neck and shoulder. Section 4, upon expiration of hobo, I began to urinate upon corpse. Section 5, at approximately 3.30 a.m., I left said Sizzler parking lot, driving one 1992 Dodge Caravan. Section 5A, in course of drive home, I glanced momentarily in rear view mirror and did not recognize myself.
Section 6, upon returning home, my spouse, Mrs. Janice Ingersoll, asked, quote, my God, where have you been? Section 6A, to which I responded, quote, just taking out the trash. I've never felt so alive. Madam Speaker, I yield back the balance of my time. |
CrackerMilk | why_i_hate_spider_man | I'm responding to an emergency. I just got home from a conference and my house has been attacked by Spider-Man. My house and my husband. Babe, babe, come tell them. I was alone and Spider-Man came in and got on top of me and he webbed me up and he webbed the whole house and it's okay. It's not a big deal. I think you could probably go home now.
No, he was covered head to toe. He could barely open his eyes. They were webbed shut.
It was a little bit of web just here but I just wiped that off with a towel. Well, he licked that off. Tell them how you licked it off. He licked it off. Oh, you don't have to touch. It's quite sticky. No, no, don't put it in your mouth. Salty yet a little bit sweet as well.
Yeah, maybe Spider-Man's been drinking pineapple juice or something. What about the tissues? Is that Spider-Man's doing as well? That was also Spider-Man. Spider-Man, can I talk to you outside?
Well, of course. You've got to get out of here right now. I think they're wrong to us. But baby, what about us? And Spider-Man came in and got on top of me and he webbed me up and he webbed the whole house and it's okay. It's not a big deal. I think you could probably go home now.
No, he was covered head to toe. He could barely open his eyes. They were webbed shut.
It was a little bit of web just here but I just wiped that off with a towel. Well, he licked that off. Tell them how you licked it off. I licked it off. He licked it off.
Oh, you don't have to touch. It's quite sticky. No, no, don't put it in your mouth. Salty yet a little bit sweet as well.
Yeah, maybe Spider-Man's been drinking pineapple juice or something. And what about the tissues? Is that Spider-Man's doing as well? That was also Spider-Man. Spider-Man?
Can I talk to you outside? Well, of course. You've got to get out of here right now.
I think they're wrong to us. But baby, what about us? |
dropout | why_we_need_a_businessman_as_president_we_don_t | Yo, it's the Zack and the Jess and we're sick of people getting jobs based on experience Because there's one kind of person who could take care of any job when your job is taken care of business It's better with a businessman a business man.
He's in the business of business with his business plan Damn, no one can do it like a business can Everything is your business when you're a businessman a fourth grade classroom We're a ten-year teacher is shaping future generations But she's taught for too long and her wisdom's a bore You need a businessman who has never taught before Nap time's not productive enough so he'll stop it and sell the textbooks to maximize profits And if the test scores are low and the brand's a disaster He'll outsource to India where kids learn faster He's a businessman, you need a businessman You turn your healthy veggie snack into a business yam You see a farm field trip, he sees a business lamb Everything is your business when you're a businessman Fireman, saves lives, business man Pet life savings, putting out financial fires and other business Brave things, marine biologists, has ocean expertise Business man sells seashells for a hundred G's This yoga teacher's child poses mere child's play He'll take her down dog before you can say namaste Animal shelter volunteer loves everything with paws Business man builds a wall, nurture wall, look and cross And the dogs will pay for it He's a businessman, it's all business man You think you're good at your job, you're a business sham He traded pearls of wisdom with a business clam Everything is your business when you're a business I'm taking control because I've never been wrong Business men are the best at writing comedy songs I'm an outsider, you're not, we can't trust ya I googled funny things and got a beat from Russia Twerk, twerk, platypus, honey badger, epic fail Dab, dab, Pokemon, experience is a negative quality You need a business man, a business man My music's better than yours with my business band He's not unqualified, you just don't under business stand Everything is your business when you're a business man Pshh, mind your own business |
SaturdayNightLive | dress_rehearsal_bonus_clip_oprah_stops_by_the_update_desk_snl | Whoa, I'm back! Oh! hello, Seth. hello, Amy. Hello. I've got a surprise for you. look under your seats. it's a sandalwood soy candle, My volleyball! Oh, my gosh! Look under your seats.
Today, everyone at the weekend update desk is getting a furby! Oh, my gosh! you're a furby, baby! Awesome, Oprah. thank you. you got it. let's get back to the subject. I don't think I have a Furby.
Just for Girls!
Okay. are you making any programming changes, Oprah? Yes, Amy. we're giving the people what they want. more Oprah! That's why I'd like to introduce some new-owned originals for you. Oh, that's great. let's hear some of the new shows.
Okay. on Mondays, I solve crimes that happen at Harpo Studios. And also, I'm in the Navy for some reason on Ncis, Oprah! Then, on Tuesdays, I star in a comedy about a white working-class family trying to get by while raising a proud black woman, me, on Raising Oprah! Oprah plays a baby, y'all. they're cruising. well, I am, Oprah, after all. Then, on Wednesdays. I play a judge who invigorates her spirit by listening to the waves and dining on pole-cut mahi-mahi on Hawaii 5!
Oprah! And look under your chairs, everyone. you all get mahi-mahi! when did you put that there? Monday. Thanks for coming on Oprah. good luck. thanks for coming on, Oprah! Yeah. well, it's missing a comma. it's missing a comma. don't get it in there. the comma's in the cue card. don't shoot me. don't get it in there. thanks for coming on, Oprah. I didn't get a furby! Dress record! I love these chairs, you guys. we should get these for their own network. hey, I'll tee you up again. Thanks for coming on, Oprah. good luck. you're welcome. Who needs luck when everyone here is getting a cashmere mop by Ralph Morris! We're with you, Oprah! we're with you, everyone! Can we go get a good lunch? I'm Amy Poehler. Thank you. |
dropout | minorities_don_t_look_alike | Our mission? To kill an international crime lord, a villain more devious than anyone we've ever taken down before.
Worse than Pinkin in London. Worse than Sullivan in Rome. Hell, she's even worse than Sullivan's twin in Paris.
Returnal twins always have a subtle difference.
Yeah. I don't know what Chiffani Atul looks like, but that's a photo of Mindy Kaling, the actress. Wait, really? Yeah, I mean, it's like a little stretched out, aspect ratio seems a little messed up. Oh wait, Mindy Kaling, the woman from The Good Wife? Oh. No. Wow, Kelly Egg on your face. Yeah. Yikes. No, Mindy Kaling is not in The Good Wife. Yeah.
I think you're thinking of Priyanka Chopra. Uh, no, Priyanka Chopra is the woman from Slumdog Millionaire.
Oh, with Cal Penn, right? I loved him in The Big Bang Theory.
Did I do that?
Okay, wow. We're mixing up all brown people, I guess. Can we stop that and just get back to the mission? Yeah, right. So we need to track her coordinates. The intel has it that Atul was last seen at a Puerto Rican marketplace. Damn. Fucking horrifying. Yeah. I'm sorry. I think that's Mexico. Hmm.
Where? The photo. Oh, really? Where? The whole thing. That photo? This one? Yes. Which part?
Yeah, that's a Mexican flag. Well, yeah, okay. Well, close enough. Yeah, I knew what you meant. I mean, they're practically neighbors, so.
Yeah, which one is famous for tapas? Tapas. Traditionally, it's tapas.
That's interesting.
Shut up. Shut up, guys.
How is it that you can keep track of all these European cities?
You can tell the difference between slightly different looking white men. Returnal twins always have a slight difference.
Oh. Shut up, all brown people and the countries that they're from. I mean, on a human level, that is so bad, and we are spies, okay? Our job is literally accuracy. You're right. We shouldn't be making mistakes like this.
Okay, okay, wait. Let me just get a visual on this. Puerto Rico is, let's- One, three. One, two, three. Here. No! Okay. Let's do it again. One, two, three. Right here! That is almost the same place you pointed to last time! Oh.
One of the Sullivan twins. The one with the freckle on his ear.
I thought we had you in a jail 3,000 miles from here. You should know that no jail can hold me.
And now I'm going to take someone down on my own terms. We meet again, Shivani Atul. One. Oh, for fuck's sake! Are you serious? Neither of us is Shivani Atul! Okay? Twins! Which one do I shoot? You can shoot me. I volunteer. Triplets! Oh my god. Hi, it's Rekha.
There is a lot of blanket play. It's a lot of blankets, a lot of, oh I got you a gift.
Let me tuck you into bed and I'm like, oh god, yeah! So sign up for your free trial today. And it was so great meeting you.
If you want to like share some of those candy bars over wine sometime, you know, like I am available, you know. You get like 125, I can get 125. I know, it's just an idea. |
dropout | if_apps_were_people_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show where we're taking your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings.
I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan.
Guys, today we are drawing Alex Katzmarek's suggestion of social media sites as people. We were apprehensive about this one at first because it's been done. A lot of these have been done, but the good thing is people keep making new social media sites. They keep coming out with new ones, guys.
People are just desperate to... What an age we live in. People are just so desperate to talk to teens to get that teen time in. Get that teen time in.
You got to get your tea time. That's what tea time means now in 2015. It was like first it was a time you have tea.
Right. Then it was a golf thing. Yeah. And now it's when you interact with teens on social media.
Teens have all the money. How do they get all the money? How did they get all the money?
I don't know. That's what you use tea time for is you just go on, like if you're like Wendy's or Arby's or another fast food franchise. That ends in E's. Or CC's Pizza. CC's, yes. Yeah.
You go on Twitter and you're like, how do you have all this money? Can we have some? Can you give us some if you think we're cool?
We're Carl's Jr. So we're basically a teen too because we're not Carl's, Carl's my dad. Hey, please, Mr. Jr. is my father.
He's a baby with a beard and he's very weird. Don't look at him. I'm ashamed of my dad. That was a good, that was a good little poem. He's a baby with a beard and he looks pretty weird.
That's the jingle for Mr. Jr.'s. The classic nursery rhyme. That's the jingle for Mr. Jr.'s, which is. Mr. Jr.'s. Yeah. That's the original. Carl's Jr. before it became Carl's Jr. was just a restaurant called Mr. Jr.'s and like that was the jingle.
He's a baby with a beard and that's pretty weird.
Come eat some of our good soup. They only sold soup. They did a massive brand pivot, which I think has helped them out. So we're trying to, we're basically trying to get some of that sweet, sweet teen dosh.
Oh gosh. That dosh. Oh gosh. That dosh. Pish, posh, that dosh.
So Nate, what are you drawing for me here? I'm drawing only the hottest of the social media sites out there right now.
And on the Branscape. On the Branscape. Which is?
Vine. Oh, it's Vine. Is this Vinny Vine? This is Vinny Vine. He, I just imagine Vine as like kind of a crappy magician.
Yeah. Because it's like, it is a lot of kind of cheesy tricks. He's got one trick and he just does it over and over again. He goes, eh, eh? That sort of, that sort of wizard, he's got like, he's going like, eh. Yeah. He's not even too certain about it. He's like, you guys like my magic? He's like reaching in.
Where you guys? That's not where the arm comes from. Where you guys think about my magic? What do you guys think about the? Look at this.
I made up this trick. It's my trick. I'm going to get. I'm pretty funny.
Oh, what's going on there? He's pulling a. Is he pulling a rabbit out of his hat? Well, it's got rabbit ears. Yes.
But, uh, it wouldn't be a vine if it didn't have. Oh, it's just a big. This is just a booty. It's just a big gyrating booty. It's got the most, the best vines that I've seen involve some sort of booty shake. It's like the formula for the perfect vine was like, you know, joke that's been done before.
Uh, and then. But shorter. And then that booty go shake. Step one, step two, step three, uh, the loops keep rolling in. Thank you very much. Oh God. Sorry.
I bumped my face. The couple's face just creeping closer and closer to my drawing hand. Well, what I do, you guys can't see this, but when I'm filming, I try to get as close to Nate's face as possible because my breath, uh, my, my calming breath reassures him.
And uh, what, what do you got to do? So I drew, I drew the arrow going up and down, uh, because you know, it's, it's, he's just going to be putting it out. Yeah. If you have more time, we can make this a loop, but we don't got that. We don't got, guys, we know your, your, you teens, you teens have so much, you gotta be busy so much. You got lunch, you get first period, second period, third period, you gotta probably fourth and fifth. You gotta navigate the whole social landscape. Don't forget. And study hall.
I gotta give him an ear. Maybe if you're on the Dean's list, you can get out of that shit, but I don't know your deal. Maybe he's got like a funny earring. Maybe you and your friends can go to Carl's junior cause you did good on your grades and now you're on the Dean's list and you can go in your buddy's Sebring to go check out, you know, a Taco Bell, maybe get on that new, get on that new taco tip, see what's going on over there.
So that's, that's my, uh, that's your vine. That's vine. That's Vinny vine.
Can you draw a little V on his hat? Maybe. Oh yeah. Yeah. Let's get, let's get a little, uh, that cool loop. So it's got the loop because it's, uh, because of themes and you got it. Yeah. Perfect. And then, oh, thank you. I was afraid you weren't going to race. Yeah. All right. Well, let me, let me get in here and draw mine.
I'm going to be drawing, uh, Snapchat, which, you know, everyone's favorite ephemeral, ephemeral messaging service, which I've got, I've so many, there's so many ephemeral messaging services, but Snapchat's gotta be my favorite. They're the most ephemeral. It's the most ephemeral and the most messages.
Yes. It's got the best combo. I would say so. Of both worlds.
So I'm drawing, as you all know, like their mascot is a ghost. So I'm just going to draw an actual ghost, uh, because I think that, okay. So you're just, you're just stealing the mascot. I'm, I'm improving on it, I would say, right? So their mascot is a ghost, but like this is snappy, snappy, the ghost. This is the Gajinka, which I think is the Japanese term for when you, uh, personify something.
Maybe I'm wrong on that. Maybe I'm right. Doesn't matter.
Oh man, distant nerd, makes his first appearance on the, on the college humor channel. Thanks distant nerd. Hey, uh, check out the Drawfee backlogs to find out distant nerds origins. For those who don't know, distant nerd is Jake Young who works for Dorkly and corrects us or tells us we're right about, uh, petty nerd bullshit.
So enjoy that. Enjoy it.
Maybe he'll have his own social media site someday. Maybe. Yeah, that's true. It'd be like secret, but you just correct people anonymously. It would not be anonymous. Yeah, it would be.
What's the point of correcting someone if you don't get to stand there and gloat in your correctness? Maybe it's like, um, it's like a Yelp, but instead of leaving reviews, you just like review people. You just review, yeah, you just review comments, you like pick a comment from any other site and then you post that comment again and then you write a review of that comment. When I came to this website, I was looking for something nice and light, a quick little snack that I could enjoy. Then I went to the comment section and boy, let me tell you, those comments, they were bad.
Four stars. Why don't you give it four stars?
I don't know how the star system works. No one does.
All right, so this is, um, oh, he's so snappy. Look how snappily he's dressed. Yeah, he's not, he's not a good person.
I like that both of our drawings of people, they both have just like gross, gross little soul patches. That's the theme. It's just, that's what we think of teens, like, oh yeah, teens, these guys would have the soul patches. That's more what we think of social media people trying to appeal to teens.
Oh, sure. That's probably, yeah. Uh-huh.
Teens like it when you have some, some facial hair, but not too much. Whoa, he can grow that. If only I could grow that, then I would be the king of the teens.
We're really dating ourselves here. If I could date myself, dude, if I could date myself, then why would I be doing the show? Oh. I'd be smooching myself full time. It's just going like that. Date yourself app. Yeah. It's a good app. It's just, it's just a bunch, you just get to make a bunch of profiles and cycle through them and swipe right on all of them. And then it's like, hey, you got so many matches with yourself, dude. And it's like, oh man.
It's like all the same movies. Movie night. Let's watch Pulp Fiction for the hundredth time. It's a great movie.
Don't try new things. Yeah. Why try new things? Why try new things when you already know what you're like?
You could just be alone. Just be alone.
What are the things you already like? I think we're onto something with this app, with Date Me. Decide everything about yourself when you're in college. Uh-huh.
Just lock it in. Lock it in. Lock it in, Bozo.
Date yourself, idiot. No new, no new friends, no new experiences.
Yep. That's, yeah. Just think full Drake. I think of experiences like friends. Yeah. And that I don't want any new ones. No, exactly. So this is, this is Snappy the ghost.
He's dead. He died of a...
Is he wearing ghost clothes? Yes. These are ghost clothes. These are ecto clothes. Okay. He's got, like most ghosts sort of end in like a little taper off. Oh, like a wisp? Yeah. Like they have that wispy bottom. Yeah, he's got legs. You just gave him legs. Well, yeah. Because he's got a, I mean, ghosts have dicks.
What? Yeah. What are you talking about? What do you think ectoplasm is, dude? What? You mean?
That's just ghost pee. No, it's ghost juice. Nah, that's ghost wee wee man. Sorry to burst your bubble. So they're, so wait. Which is how it works when they pee. So you're saying the physiology of a ghost is it's just, it's just sort of, it's just sort of like a see-through sack full of pee? Yes.
Like all of your, all of your blood and organs go away when you die? All that's left. But your soul, your soul, your immortal soul that roams the earth because it has unfinished business. Your immortal soul.
Is just full of pee. No, that's what your soul is. Your soul is just ghost pee. Your soul is pee. So every time you pee, are you, you're peeing out your soul?
Yeah. And then like when you're done peeing out your soul, that's when you get to, uh, that's when your unfinished business is complete. Why do you think they call it unfinished business? The business is like, oh, I got to take care of some business. Oh, that's true. Yeah. You do call it. I got to take care of that bathroom biz. So when you have unfinished business, it doesn't mean you died before you could pee?
No, yeah, no. All ghosts have unfinished business. What is happening is that all the ghosts, when you die, you become a ghost and you have to, you have to just piss everywhere, get ectoplasm all over. And then when you're done with that, you can go to hell. And that's, that's how the afterlife, that's how the afterlife works. After life works. After like. Yeah. The afterlife, which is what happens. That's what, that's what ghosts do on social media. The afterlife.
Exactly. That's, um, that's a new feature coming to Snapchat. Oh man. Uh, I think we're, I think we're done. I'm just kind of like fiddling with your, your colors here. Cool. Well, um, Hey, we, uh, we have a very exciting announcement. Oh, that's right. Why don't you tell me about that while I shave this hat. All you teens with all your disposable income, right? Come out calling all rich teens, calling all rich teens, even, uh, even some middle-class teens, um, come, come, uh, out to Drawfee live. That's right.
It's this Thursday. A live show at the People's Improv Theater. In New York City, if you're in New York City or have the ability to get to New York City by Thursday at 7 p.m. at the People's Improv Theater, we'll, we'll leave a handy dandy link in the description of this episode, uh, if you want to come check that out. I would suggest it. It's going to be fun. It's like this show, uh, except live. Um, our friend, Susanna Wolf is going to be there.
Nathan's friend, my fiance, uh, so doubly cool on that front. What a good, what a good friend. She was such a good friend. She agreed to marry you. The friend's so nice. I married her twice.
Oh, dude, you're having one, you're having one of those double weddings? Yeah, yeah. It's going to be so dope. Nice. Got two preachers. They're going to battle. Preacher battle. It's going to be great. The one who, the one who defeats the other in armed combat gets to marry me. Nice. Come for that. We'll have that. We'll have a, um, the trials for that at the, the Drawfee live. We're going to have eight preachers going head to head. Oh man. It's going to be great. We're going to have some lions, uh, in the Arctic arms. Yeah.
One of the priest is just a lion. Yeah. He's the lion priest. He's the priest of the jungle.
Exactly. Um, guys, that was our suggestion to you. If you have suggestions for what you want us to draw, leave them in the comments. Yep.
We take them sometimes. Most of the times.
Thanks for watching. Um, and we're very, very sorry. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_everyone_s_a_critic_snl | Hey, Paul. hey, what's up, dude? nothing. what you doing?
Oh, just highlighting my lines. cool. What? All right, well, this is gonna sound kind of weird, but may I paint you? I'd like that. cool. it's cold in here. it could have fooled me. so everything is in the right place. big time. I get so self-conscious. here. maybe a little music will help you relax. Ooh, I love this. Yeah. who is this? it's me. do you like it? Oh, Andy, I love it. Hey, man, you know what I'd like to do? What? I'd like to paint you. So what do you think? you look perfect. Do you mind if we listen to some music?
Not at all. I love this song. yes, really. thanks. this thing is really good, man. I mean, I think we could actually sell it. Oh, I don't know about that. Paul, it's a masterpiece.
26,000. we've gone to 27. 27, we're here 27,000. going once, going twice. sold to the Gentleman in the Gray Blazer.
This is it. I'm so nervous. don't be telling you they're going to love it. this next painting is by a brand new artist, and we are lucky enough to have him here tonight. Please welcome Mr. Paul Rudd. it is a rare honor as a curator to introduce the world to a new artistic voice. it takes a quiet bravery to bear one's soul to the world. let's see what's inside Mr. Rudd's. everyone's a critic. that was a clip from Everyone's A Critic, starring Paul Rudd and Andy Samberg. Now, guys, I understand you brought a little surprise with you. we did, actually. Yeah, I don't know if you remember the painting from the film. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_metaverse_founder_2024 | One quinoa coin is currently around 2.3 amaranth pre-minth activations. We're talking only about post-inflation assets. Seems to me you're making things up. Because you don't actually have any money to invest.
Thank you so much for coming along. And thanks for your interest in anything, Wart. Thank you. Hopefully we can work together in the future.
GM, you have raised almost 10 million dollars in funding to build an AI-based creator utility for 3D game assets in virtual and web3 worlds such as the metaverse. I got to be honest. I see the words AI, web3, metaverse and million dollars in one sentence. And I am bored. But I still don't know what your product exactly does. But maybe you can explain.
So what we do is we bring 3D assets to life at scale using machine learning specifically. So we use AI to analyze 3D models. To rig them, create skeletons for them and bring them to life.
Gordon, 1.4 billion users are expected to join the metaverse by 2030 globally. In other words, 1.4 billion people will need to learn about it in the next few years because it's currently only 37 people running around Decentraland. And that is including me. Does that make you anxious about your metaverse startup? We're not a metaverse startup. My question for you would be, what is the metaverse? Nobody really knows what it is. It's a nebulous concept. But we feel that the metaverse is 3D worlds that accompany our lives whether that's gaming, social, work-based. We just believe that in the future, 3D worlds will become more important and we're making it easier to make them. Right. So now that the metaverse is dead, you'd rather not be affiliated with it. I didn't say the metaverse is dead.
You know, concept hype cycles come and go, don't they? Web3 you mentioned, crypto comes and goes, metaverse comes and goes, but I think there's a current wave of machine learning, AI-driven innovations. So you might say crypto is something that might come and go.
Yeah. Right. I'm not so sure about that, but let's continue with that crazy idea.
What is the message of the fox? Well, the fox has been automatically animated using our system. So with your AI program, could I make a dolphin fly?
Yeah, if you want to, yeah. Could I make a banana drive a car? If you want to make a banana drive a car, I guess you could. Bananas have no hands, at least the ones that I've seen. I guess cartoony type ones would.
Okay. Could I make James Harden dunk without celebrating, looking like he's cooking breakfast on court? I don't know. I mean, I'm just going to say yes. In your company's Twitter bio, it currently says, the platform to create your wildest 3D dreams, unicorn emoji. Hmm. Is that a Taylor Swift reference? No. You know the song? No.
While the streams are, you see me in hindsight, tangled up with you all night, burning it down. One day when you leave me, I bet these memories follow, follow you around. I don't know the song, but I do now and it's beautiful.
We saw what happens when overpaid, dead inside developers at Meta get a free run and start doing 3D games. But on PlayStation 2, they had legs in the beginning. So my question is, shouldn't there be some sort of license who can publish 3D games? No, I don't think so. Create whatever you like. If it's rubbish, then people may want to pick up on it. Let's say a mental person would write a Web3 game. And I'm not saying this happens every day, but let's say the game addicts young people by letting them create their own 3D worlds and sell in-game assets that are being traded on unregulated black markets, leading them to make huge amounts of money and subcontracting other kids. Wouldn't a game like this be a risk to the future of labor and other industries? I mean, there's not too much different from what you're saying from Fortnite or Roblox, that's what you're suggesting. Or not? That's what you're... Is that what they do in Roblox? No, but for example, Fortnite, they sell skins, and there's a lot of a young audience and there's limited time. So ask the number of parents whose children have spent too much on Fortnite, for example, or even Roblox. There's a lot of that stuff that happens now. So you're suggesting stop people from creating in case they aggressively monetize to children.
So you're telling me I'm being addicted to a dangerous game? What game are you playing? I mean, I'm king of the castle in Roblox. Are you?
Okay, well, congratulations. Congratulations. You can be very proud of yourself.
Okay, what is the best way to experience 3D? Well, VR is very immersive, isn't it? So I would say VR.
And as things evolve, you know, as Apple's device, maybe it's second, third iteration. Let's not talk about Apple's device.
Why not? No, the poor don't have access to this.
Oh, that's true. But you do.
So I would say Res in VR for me is a great experience. What is Res? Res is a music game. And what is VR? VR is virtual reality.
Right, we had that already. Yeah. I don't usually say this after an interview, but I think I actually understood what your product is doing. Thank you. Do you think you can appoint me to your board? I still have some capacity after laser tag on Saturdays.
And of course, I own lots of cryptocurrency, which I then maybe would consider offering. We have around 2 million quinoa coin, which we are currently looking to spread. Okay. Quinoa coin. Is that based on the grain? One quinoa coin is currently around 2.3 amaranth pre-minth activations.
We're talking only about post inflation assets. Seems to me you're making things up because you don't actually have any money to invest. Great. Now, your business might be last hour listed and doing better than your competitors, but your growth will never be good enough for Wall Street analysts. So you need to do innovation to bring your business to the next level.
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Gordon clearly didn't do his research on quinoa coin. Otherwise he would know that that week quinoa coin doubled its valuation, placing it among the top growing assets like Come Rocket, Poo Chain and Harry Potter, Obama, Sonic, Ten Inu. But in the startup industry, you have to move fast. So I had to move fast out of here to find the next best soup pasta. You're the next best soup pasta. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Eden_Mahalo_Prince_Andrew_Worksite_Comedy_Plenty_More_3_07_20 | Good afternoon everyone, it's Errol Parker here and welcome to another Petuta Advocate Weekly News Bulletin. Back again, this time I'm with Wendell Hussey and Clancy Overrell is not here, he's in Brisbane.
He's down there recording a very special Monday morning podcast and he just told me he's slipped into a massage parlour. Oh good on him. He has the worst back in the diamond tainer, I'm glad he's finally getting it looked at by a professional. Hopefully they dig their hands into it and he's feeling loose and limber after that.
How are you Errol? Always good mate, always good.
Very busy few days here, obviously Eden Monaro coming up. Yes, certainly has been a big week of news and we'll start off on Eden Monaro.
The Prime Minister has said this week, if I tell you what my plan is for JobKeeper, you won't vote Liberal in this by-election, haha. Well that's a very clever play there from the Prime Minister ahead of the Eden Monaro by-election, or as it's been dubbed, the Eden Mahalo by-election. From all reports JobKeeper is gone in September but Scott Morrison has confirmed that he won't be officially announcing that until all the votes have been cast on Saturday. Yeah he also said to us, if I tell you now that I'm going to stop with all of the free money in September, nobody will vote for the Liberals and we'll probably end up with some lunatic from the shooters or some pie in the sky Labour lifer who's never so much as broken up shit and thrown it into a skip bin. Very important for every Labour candidate to spend some time breaking shit up and throwing it in a skip bin. Absolutely, too many soft hands in the Labour party that's for sure.
In some international news now and Prince Andrew's inability to sweat has miraculously been cured by Ghislaine Maxwell's arrest this week. Yes, the former girlfriend of Jeffrey Epstein has been arrested and there are lots of people who are very, very nervous today and by people I mean rich, powerful people. Prince Andrew is one of them and he was spotted this morning sweating bullets. Yeah, well the Prince previously did claim that he was unable to sweat due to him being shot at during the Falklands War when he was making up some excuse for why he wasn't actually really good mates with that notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. I can imagine the Clintons are probably sweating buckets as well and Hillary's speaking to her hitmen as we discuss this one.
Yeah, I'm sure Ghislaine will not be left alone unsupervised though. Now elsewhere around this vast globe of ours and an African village has somehow managed to build a school without the help of any 19 year old Australian girls. Yeah, this is a real feel good story Wendell and it's been a pretty tough year. Obviously a lot of upper and upper middle class Australian private school girls normally go over to Africa to help build schools by paying a few grand in flights, holidaying along the way and spending eight or so hours basically babysitting kids while the school's built around them. Yeah, but that hasn't happened this year because of all the COVID stuff. So this story really is a little miracle. I've got no idea who would have played with the kids and taken all the photos while the locals worked on the school, but you know, that's also a very critical part of how schools are built in Africa. There was a great comment on this one from Jason Bammant who said Insta girls always conveniently ignore the fact that donating the equivalent cost of their airfares would be a far more humanitarian benefit to the African villages.
You can't put a price on content Wendell. You certainly can't, particularly if it racks up the triple figure likes.
Now next up, and we've got a pretty heavy story from here in town, a local gamer has confronted his mum about having an affair after being tipped off by a teenage Call of Duty opponent. Yes, this Petuda Heights house was the scene of a bit of a row this week after a local Cheetos enthusiast took his mum to task. Apparently he was concerned about his mother being unfaithful after a young Canadian claimed to be sleeping with her. Yeah, pretty full on stuff. He said it was moderately funny at first, but then he grew genuinely concerned and that forced him to have the tough conversation with his mum. His mum did swear though that there was absolutely nothing going on with this 15 year old Canadian boy and said that if he keeps it up, she will be taking the PlayStation off him.
No, but see, I think this is just more evidence that our NBN is much better than people in the inner city and outer city and regional areas like to whinge about. I mean, if you're able to play a game of Call of Duty against someone in Canada, you know, that to me is world class internet. Things are pretty good.
Now we'll finish the week on a nice little light hearted story. And good afternoon, says worksite comedian after young bloke turns up at 604 a.m. Haha, night shifts here. Aha, whoop, here's tomorrow's shift. Oh, hello. Good afternoon. This is the morning shift. Yeah, that's what happens when you turn up late.
Some of the classics there and Stuart Webb left a good comment on that one saying one of his favourites is when you take an extra three minutes on Smoko and the boss asks you, did you put in annual leave for that one? Haha. And then you can always say back to him, well, you're paying me cash so I don't get it anyway, you fat prick. Try that one on your boss next time. On that humorous note, that will do for another weekly bulletin here at the Matilda Advocate. We'll be back again in seven days time with all three of us in the studio. So we'll talk to you then.
My name is Wendell Hussey. Do not go near Victorians. And I'm Errol Parker. Good night. |
dropout | phone_sex_pranks_motivational_speaker | I'm kind of into like motivational speakers, like, you know, self-help people. Oh, okay, you know, like that Susan Powers chick? Yeah, yeah, exactly. So, uh, where are you? Are you on stage right now? Yeah. You have a tiny mic on? Like a wireless mic? Yeah. It's good. Like, how many people are in the audience watching us?
Oh, let's go for 25 hundred. No, a lot more. 25,000. A tiny bit more. 100,000.
Yeah, that's so good. Yeah. You want to raise my self-esteem, baby? Yeah. Feel confident about what you're doing. Be assertive in what you do. Yeah. Not anyone tell you that you're not good enough. Keep going. Your dick's got to be effective. You want my dick to be effective? Yeah. Yeah, just like what? Who else is effective? Oh, let's see here. Donald Trump, he's got an effective dick. Yeah. I want you to go out.
I want you to read more literature. Read more literature? What should I read?
Cicero.
Okay. Wait. I should learn a new language? Yeah, that'll work. Yeah. Like, what language should I learn? German. That's good. That doesn't make sense. Like, if I'm overweight, what should I do? I need to walk more. Oh, okay.
You're the greatest guy I've ever met. You have your own harsh story, don't you? Can you motivate me with your life? I can even forget it. You came from a ghetto? Yeah.
It's a very dangerous neighborhood. Nobody graduates. Oh, that sounds awful. It sounds like an awful city.
Yeah. Six seas. Keep going. Say it over and over again. Six seas. Oh, yeah. Six seas.
I can do it. Be effective. Be the best.
I'm going to come.
Big positive.
I am. Oh, yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.
Tell me you have your own harsh story, don't you? Can you motivate me with your life? I came from a ghetto. You came from a ghetto?
Yeah. It's a very dangerous neighborhood. Nobody graduates. Oh, that sounds awful. It sounds like an awful city. Yeah.
Six seas. Keep going. Say it over and over again. Six seas. Oh, yeah. Six seas.
I can do it. Be effective. Be the best.
I'm going to come.
Big positive.
I am. Oh, yeah. Okay. Bye-bye. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_222_Jordan_Simi | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overell, editors of The Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well, welcome back to The Petuta Advocate radio show. We've been on a good run of guests here at Petuta, we had Jackie Lambie on. Before that we had a range of playwrights and authors and stuff and really we're just enjoying not having to talk about the federal election, if I'm honest, and that's why we're really trying to mix it up today. We're joined by, I guess you'd say royalty of Australian combat sports. You've got me here in the booth, Clancy Overell, editor of The Petuta Advocate.
I'm joined by Wendell Hussey, the Eternal Cadet. How are you Wendell?
Yeah, going really well. Thanks. As you said, it's a little bit of a change of pace today from the likes of Jackie Lambie, Ash Langie from Weather Zone, but we've got an identity in here. Yeah, we definitely do.
An identity of sport, Jordan Simi, a man who has played 23 games of suburban rugby union for Randwick in Australia. We went deep on the actual stats here, with 30 games of group rugby league in Gundagai for the Tigers out there, hear the Tiger roar. New South Wales kind of kept him for a little while, he did two games for North Sydney Bears, a short stint with the Coogee Dolphins where he busted 312 tackles, trucked the ball up 912 times, scored four tries and assisted five more.
And now... That's some good stats. That's immortal stuff there. That's 10th, 9th, 10th immortal. I believe he did a little stint in Northern England visiting a mate there, he got a job in a pub.
No Southern France though. No Southern France.
That's a bit of a missing. No, he wants to go down there. That was off season. Ah yeah, holidays. Yeah, that was down there in Marseille, down there hanging out with Piercy.
He's had a hell of a time. And now he can add an official professional boxing fight to his name.
Thank you for joining us, Jordan. Thank you for having me, guys.
You actually missed out a season I did over in Kalgoorlie in the country AFL league. Oh, are you a Perth Kiwi? Yeah. Are you a WA Kiwi? I moved over to Perth, yeah, before Sydney. So I was working in the mines in Kalgoorlie and they didn't have union there, obviously.
So... How does minor footy go over there? That would be... Oh, it's disgusting. Is that a bush rugby league? Oh, it's, yeah, it's very violent and slightly racist. Yeah, exactly.
Imagine the heckle from the sidelines. Yeah, sidelines, you know, especially when you don't know what position you play.
You're just running around the rock, but it was a good time. I want to go back to the start before we get to, you know, the Cinderella story. Cinderella Simi, I've been calling him, everyone wrote him off, but he came through. You know, it was a wonderful thing for Australian boxing, what we saw the other night down there at the Horden Pavilion. We of course were there, shout out to the Roseboys, shout out to No Limit Promotions for hooking us up with the tickets, because we had to watch this, but I want to go back to the start.
And we're talking Jordan Simi against Queensland state of origin great, Justin Hodges, if you're not aware. If you're not aware. One of the greats. Yeah, a man that I guess, Jordan, as a Kiwi, you might've grown up cheering for?
Mate, I actually, I actually loved, yeah, Hodges, I loved it. This is nitty-gritty-ness, like you just always get into people's heads, you know, sometimes before the games, always had people questioning him, you know, his intentions before the game. But yeah, it got into my head. It got into your head?
Yeah, slightly. We'll go back to the very start. Auckland? Yeah.
So I was born in Auckland, born in South Auckland and went, got a rugby union scholarship to Kings Prep and Kings College over there, played over there and then moved over to Perth when I was about 14, 15. For the resources sector at that age, or your family already in the game? No, no, no. So I was actually sent over to Perth to play rugby union. Damn, force feeder. Yeah, and so how that all came about, I was actually going to boarding school at Kings and I was there on the weekend and at Perth, high school came over, I think it might've been Scots or whatever it may be. And the coach comes into the boarding house and goes, oh, we just need someone to play wing. But I was playing number eight at this stage in the union, so I was like, oh yeah, I would jump on and I think I scored about four or five tries and then one of the fathers were there scouting for the force and then they hit me up to come over. But yeah, it was, it was the start of the, start of the nightmare. And please indulge us. 14, did they send you to school?
Yeah, well it was, it was a bit of a sad, sad run actually from that age because my brother Thomas passed away. He committed suicide and that rattled, rattled my family big time, rattled my old boy and he just sort of went off the rails a bit and was like, yeah, just go over to Perth and whatnot. And a few family issues happened over there and I actually was homeless. I was, I spent some time at the force and my at home life wasn't good at all. It was just really, you know, alcohol, drugs and all that jazz.
So I was sort of scared to talk about it to the coaches. So they were saying like, you know, why are you late to training? Why, why are you coming?
And this is like the RM's Western force guys.
Yeah. So what's going on? Why aren't you fucking a trainer? Yeah. So this was around the same time as like James O'Connell was there. Yep. Um, Pocock. Yeah. Um, Sharp was still the captain. Senator Pocock. Yeah. Nathan Sharp. I remember those days. Yeah. Early days of the force. Yeah.
It was super early. So that was sort of just like, why, like why are you coming to training? You're not, you're not putting any size on, you know, you're sleeping after training and yeah, I ended up running away from home and sort of like me and my dad lost contact. And, and yeah, and I was sort of, sort of homeless for, for a few years until I turned 18. And then what got work in the mines there and kind of found yourself out of that or?
Mate I actually met, I met this, uh, this is how it sort of all came about us. I had a mate that I had met, this other Kiwi guy, um, he became my best mate and he actually committed suicide as well. So I'd, I'd sort of gave, given up on the rugby dream.
The nightmare. You, you were right. I thought you were talking about a string of injuries, but it sounds like a lot more than that. Yeah. Well, it's, that happened and, um, it was a lot of a dark time at that stage.
So I thought, shit, you know, I just, I just gave up and that's sort of when I was just living on the streets and I can't remember exactly how I linked up this Kiwi guy, but he, uh, he reached out to me, he goes, man, I'm a supervisor. This is fast forward, fast forward at all to when I was around 17, 18. And he goes, I'm a supervisor in the mines. He's like, you know, would you just come up and live in Kalgoorlie and work with, work with me? So I thought, I was like, stuff it, I'll come up definitely.
And he picked me up, drove down, picked me up and I was like, you know, hopefully there's no sexual favors involved in this, but the guy had a family and stuff. And he was just, oh yeah. I was like, you know, what's going on here? But his, um, just a nice Kiwi guy, not swingers, but yeah.
So his, his wife and him took me in man and gave me a job working at this engineering company. And, um, I think my first pay was something like 3000 bucks or something for a week's work.
And I was like, this is an early mine in like, not early mines, but yeah. During the boom. So I was like, I'm not leaving here. So yeah.
And then I want to fast forward through that. You obviously, uh, hit the paddock playing a rural, uh, Aussie rules. Then I want to fast forward back over the other side of the continent.
When you came into that fight, I gassed you up. Like you're a career fighter at the start and which you may well be, and we're going to get to that later, but how did you end up finding yourself in this world where you're now a prominent podcaster, I guess, YouTuber general kind of, uh, identity amongst Sydney's footballing and, uh, and now combat sports crowds. And, um, you know, you do have your followers, you have people that tune in every week to hear what the hell you got up to on the weekend. Yeah. I mean, um, you know, obviously as you guys know, my YKTR, I've been mates with like ice and stuff since about 2017. And I'd always sort of been the rat bag in the group, just partying all the time and whatnot. And so they were all playing footy and you, you you'd stepped out by that stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'd go to like, I was out at, um, at when he doing new South Wales cup and stuff, but then I was like, I just couldn't be bothered. I was like stuff this, you know? And, uh, so I was sort of, uh, Normie and I lived together, so ended up moving in with Normie when Chico signed with the Broncos, so him and I was sort of just staying in this house together. I was, I was working down at Cornell at the oil refinery. I was actually supposed to go on, on maps.
So that had all signed all the contracts, signed everything. Um, Normie was going to be my best man and we made like a list of like 30 people and I think it was a mixture of like NRL boys, AFL boys, um, union boys. That would have been the absolute dream for channel nine.
Oh man. It, it like, we were like, this is going to be a laugh, you know? And this is sort of when I had my foot in the door at YKTR cause it'd always be like to ice, give me, give me a shot at coming in. Like, and he'd just be like, no, no, no. I'm going to have 500,000 followers any month now. Well, I was, I was lucky cause yeah, the people weren't too red hot on that season, but um, the last day, the last day I sort of just, I don't know. I had, I, I was like, I can't do this.
Yeah. Just pulled out straight away. But yeah. So you're living with Corey Norman, quiet household. I'd imagine. Yeah. At this point he's playing origin at least he's playing every match every season. Yeah. You've obviously got a big personality and stuff. So you're not considered one of the hangers on. You're probably leading the boys. Yeah.
But what's it like in those circles? That's what we want to know. When you're rolling young blokes keys to the city, what is the vibe? Is it, can you see how these boys get into trouble?
Yeah. It was, um, it's funny. It's funny though, because a lot of them aren't actually troublemakers. I, my nickname is troublemaker. It just happens organically. But, um, I mean, uh, you know, but you, we, you remember the naughty boys from back home. Nah, nah, nah, nah, exactly.
But you know, normally wasn't having, um, too much of like, you know, it was the back end of his, uh, of his NRL career. And it was tough seeing him actually fucking cop a lot of stick because, um, you know, his phone would just blow up after games. And so, you know, it was, I learned a lot of him actually just with that mental toughness, um, you know, a lot of people just see him as a bit of a Playboy, you know, whatnot, but no, and you're all actually, you're all quiet as church mice and you absolutely, uh, a misrepresentation of all of you.
A night in and a good mood. We're artists, you know what I mean? It's, it's, it's no, we're just, uh, we're just, I always say, you know, we're just all misfits that found each other, you know, and, uh, ice sort of brought us together. So, so ice Isaac John from the, uh, proud North Island region of Rotorua, um, where the, where the Hills emit this lovely kind of lavender smell of sulfur.
And, uh, you've got all the go-karting and all that kind of stuff. Tree lopping country shit.
Yeah. So he's playing NRL. Then you've got young Chico. You're not playing professional sport at this point, although, you know, you came to Australia with that in mind. Yeah. How do you end up becoming, you know, what many would say is like, uh, you've been platformed by a sporting media company YKTR and you don't have the representative jerseys and now you, uh, running your own show and you have you and it's not particularly sport at all. Tell me how that kind of came to be. Okay.
So the boys would always, you know, normally would actually, it was a massive, um, he was, he would always back me saying, give this guy a podcast, give this guy something, put a camera in front of him. Cause the shit he does is just outrageous. And, and, you know, and I, and, and YKTR is almost like a family thing.
So ice was sort of like, you know, I didn't really know me. He didn't really trust me. So he was sort of like, Hmm, I'll, I'll think about it.
I actually met all the boys through Chico first cause Chico and I used to do sprint training together with Roger. And, uh, that's how I sort of weaseled my way in there. But ice and I actually used to go at each other all the time back in the day, you know, but so this is how it actually came about though. So they had the new office and stuff and, um, they were doing a companion, you know, they watched the games on YouTube and react to it, have a few beers. Well, I rocked up to the office, pissed one afternoon slash night. And then, um, and I was sort of just waiting for them to finish. So scope and I could go get on, on the person.
So then, um, Rennie Matua didn't show up for one of the, for the, uh, companion. Well, you're telling me Rennie flaked?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got him once. We're lucky enough. We got Rennie once.
He's mystical, man. Rennie's mystical.
So, um, they go, Oh, you know, somebody on a jump, jump on. So I was like, yeah, you're already half cut. Oh man. I was, I was twisted. Yeah. So I jumped on and, um, you know, I just went for it.
And then the comments just started saying, man, who is this guy? Who is this guy?
And that, that would have been about just a, just a bit over a year ago. Right. Were you nervous for that? Was that like starting at a new club, having your run on debut or was it just like greased up, let's go? As soon as I have beers, it's, it's like, as anyone, you know, you get that confidence and that glow, but I knew that it was my shot to make an impression because I was like, I want to be a part of this and you know, and I, I, I believe I can, I can, so give me the ball and put me on coach. Yeah. So, yeah. And, um, and it just, just went on from there. And then scope and I did a bit of work together, but yeah.
For the, for the listeners who aren't across YKTR, scope is what I would have to say a very clever nickname for Justin, horror, uh, horror, scope, uh, layers to that. And also, um, you know, another noted church mouse, not a quiet little kind of Kiwi bloke that kind of just found his way through the world of NRL. And, um, you know, all the different kind of soft launch openings and stuff like that, that these guys get invited to and found himself as somewhat of a media personality. So the tide rises together. We've got a range, well, I can, I can say four NRL stars here. And this guy that walked in pissed one night, uh, when Renee mature wasn't there. And all of a sudden we've now got a YKTR is pivoting into a dating and lifestyle.
Um, and that's what you kind of, I mean, and you know, culture, lifestyle, as you mentioned earlier, the arts. Yep. So this is it. You're now a podcast. And I guess for anyone listening, this is how it happens. This is how we find these people. And this is how people make careers doing this stuff. Lord knows.
I don't know how any of those, you know, prominent, uh, YouTubers or podcasters in America started. I don't want to say Jake and Logan Paul, because you've been compared to them due to your boxing debut. But, uh, you know, no one really knows how it starts.
All of a sudden you've got this audience, you've got this fan base. Yeah. And you're hopping in a ring with Justin Hodges. Yeah. I want to know, I want to know what led to that. Like, cause this is now you've got stripes.
None of those boys have been in a fight. None of them have been.
I said to the boys, I said, I'm the only professional athlete here. So fucking put me up on that pro professional athlete wall and put, put respect on my name.
And that always go, uh, you got the blue tech. How'd you get the blue tech? Who got it for you?
And I'm like, I'm a fucking professional boxer now. So I mean, ask Fox sports, man. I don't know. Um, yeah. So how they, bro, the, how that came about was, um, Lukey, you know, Lukey from YKTR. So he goes, Oh, you know, I'm going to go train at Bondi boxing club. This was about eight weeks prior to the fight happening. And I go, Oh, that sounds exciting. Yeah. Okay.
I'll come down and train with you. So him and I go do a 6 AM class and we go to that one and I'm like, fuck, that was amazing. I want to do it again. And he never came back. He just came down for that one and left me there.
So then, um, you know, I'm posting it up and we had already been going to the fights like you guys, um, you know, just doing a bit of content for, for no limit here and there. And so I'd always joke around to Georgie, like, I'll jump in the ring for content. Like, why not? It'd be a fucking, it'll go well. And we'd sort of just laugh back and forth.
And I started training at Bondi boxing and I said to him, I go, man, you know, it's in my mind. It's I like this feeling like it's, you know, so we, we kept chatting, we kept chatting and then, um, the Brisbane card was, was coming up and I had actually been in probably about a six week training camp before that.
So I go, man, why didn't I jump in there with, with anyone? He goes, would you fight Justin Hodges?
George Rose said this to you. Yeah. And I was like, Oh, I was shitting myself.
I was like, never, never boxed in my life. Not, not even a sparring session at this point.
So I go, I was like, yeah, let's, let's do it. Right. So, and then, you know, it wasn't really locked in locked in. So then, um, you know, I get a call. He said, Oh, he wants to fight Benny Hennet. I was like, Oh shit. All right, well fuck it is what it is. So I pretty much got in the piss for about two, two weeks. Just all my training went out the window. And then I get a, um, I get a call up from Matty.
He goes, you know, sorry from Georgie and Matty and he is, um, do you want to, uh, do you want to jump in the ring with, with Justin? He wants to go again with someone in Sydney and sort of, no one really wants to jump in and cause they haven't had time to train.
And I was like, man, I'm never going to get this opportunity again. You never know when it's going to come.
So I just go, yeah, let's fucking do it. I remember you saying to me, um, you know, you had, well, you just said, then you'd been on the piece, you'd been smoking, you've vaping. Yeah.
So then tell us about, and this is eight days before or 10 days. How, like, how much time frame about eight. So we, it was 100% a lock eight days prior to the fight.
So I was, I was like, man, they're going to do me dirty again. You know, like I'm, I'm not going to stop. So I was like, there's no point stopping what got you to the dance.
You know what I mean? So yeah. So about eight days. And so w was there a somewhat of a, a rapid training camp then? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
My, um, uh, because the Bondi boxing, weren't going to let me fight.
Cause this is what they do, right? This is their livelihood.
Well, not with their name on your shirt. They were like, we're not going to let you walk out there and embarrass our fucking well-established boxing club.
We haven't even seen you spa before. Put some tape over the name. Yeah. They were like, man, we haven't even seen you spa before. And I go, trust me, I've got a feeling this is going to be a good night. And my coach is like, I don't even know you that well.
He's like, man, this is the weirdest thing. Cause you know that they were like, this is the, this is so weird. What's happening.
And I was like, just trust me, I can do this. And he goes, Oh, uh, so probably about six or seven days out before the fight, he goes, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to, you have to spa to prove it. And I was like, okay, who am I going to spa? And then they're like point at Steve.
Who's fucking 30 fights deep, been boxing there for years. He's there all day, every day.
I'm like, okay, he's a bit smaller than me. Yeah. All right, let's, let's, let's get into it.
And I think he punched me in the head about 30 to 40 times. I hit him maybe three times in the second round and I got out of the six rounds and he goes, all right, you can take a punch.
Like that's all that matters. Oh, right. Yeah. So you can cop it. Yeah.
There's no chance. There's little chance that you should just get dropped.
Yeah. Well, cause he was, he was rocking me, like punching me as hard as he could. After that, were you like I'm done? And then like, were you expecting you to be like you can't do it? Yeah. Cause you've obviously been, there's some sort of a reality check there. Yeah. Well, to be honest with you, it's a funny story.
I told my coach, I go, I go, man, you know, I'm not a, I'm not a boxer. I said, I've had so many street fights. I said, my dad, this is how, this is the area I grew up in, right? The fathers used to get all the kids and make them fight each other.
What's that? What's that position?
Um, I'm going to East. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So yeah, so the old boy used to make me fight other kids in the neighborhood. The dads used to bet on us almost like cockfighting. So I had been punched in the head a million times before I even turned 15.
So I had no issue about getting hit. It was my, it was more my fitness that was, you know, I'm an Islander boy. I like to dabble in the McDonald's and the, you know, the bad foods, the dark arts. So that was the only thing I was scared of. I didn't want to gas out to a point where like I was just leaning against the ropes and getting touched up really, really bad. Yeah.
Bondi Boxing were confident in sending you in there with their name on you. And then you end up in the media junket circuit, which is interesting because not many fighters are coming in with your kind of gift of the gab because, you know, you spent, I don't know how many episodes you would have done now, just talking, talking, talking, podcasting, yeah, 50. And, you know, you've been on other podcasts and you've been in this world. So you've got that skill set, which is funny because most fighters don't have that. With what they have that you don't have, you know, you also have the ability to sell a fight and it became clear that you were going at all stations here when you declared live to Fox News that you were doing it to win back your girlfriend.
Notebook 2.0.
Yeah. Yeah, fuck it, man. You know, that's so embarrassing. It's good stuff. It's so funny because, That was when we got our tickets, by the way. Yeah. When we heard that, we're like, damn, oh, this is like a true romance.
Well, man, it was genuine, you know, because, uh, a part of the other reason why I jumped into the Bondi Boxing was because I was sad. I was sad about the breakup, you know, and, you know, men don't talk about it as much as they should. I was just like, I'm a, I don't know if you want to call it romantic or a psychopath, but I'm in the middle there somewhere where I'm like, you know, why don't I use this stage to just not, you know, go and fight like a fucking Viking to, you know, show my girlfriend that I love her with my axe and my shield. It was more me just going, you know, doing something and then saying, Hey, I love you, you know, just being on that stage and saying, I miss you.
I love you. Come on. Enough's enough. You know, so, um, you said that before you even got in the ring in the, um, in the promo junkets, there was a lot of standing up, flexing the arms. I'm going to win her back.
And, you know, uh, your ex-missus was, uh, you know, she's a model and didn't the Daily Mail love that there was photos of the two of you spliced, like for the love of war and that kind of stuff. They're trying to lean into the audience of like 55 year old Graham's on the Daily Telegraph and all that ridiculous as is.
Well, well the, um, so what happened was the whole media thing that happened, that everyone was telling me, don't, don't bring her up, don't do it. Don't embarrass the sport. Don't embarrass yourself. Don't embarrass the club, you know, don't embarrass YKTR. And I'm like, that's why I'm like, yeah, don't embarrass her. Don't embarrass her and embarrass her family.
And I was like, man, that's why no one will remember your name. Fuck that.
You know what I mean? I know her. She'll love this. It's a personal thing between her and I don't care what anyone else thinks.
So the first media day I was super humble. I was like, yeah, I'm, I'm fighting an NRL great. And that's the way I am. I'm, I didn't want to shit talk or anything.
And the boys come and I was like, oh, so what did you guys think? They're like, no, four or five out of 10. And I was like, what? They're like, you got to G up the fight. And I was like, oh man, that shit makes me cringe. Like, and, um, you know, this is when I say Justin Hodges got me, he was talking shit on the radio and stuff.
Who's this wannabe. And then the media day they go, you know, you got to get after him. If you get him, you know, get, get the fight pumping.
I'm like, all right, then sweet. I'm like, whatever, what do you want me to say? So the boys go, just attack his age and stuff and his last fight. And I go, okay, sweet.
I, so I attack him, felt horrible about it. And then they pass it on to him and they go, so what do you reckon Justin? He goes, oh man, I'm just really grateful to be here. And I was like, oh shit, now I'm the douchebag. Like I'm the villain. Yeah. And I didn't honestly, man, I felt so bad afterwards. I was like, holy shit, this, this is so ugly. And then, um, after he got off, we sort of went face to face and I was like, you bastard, bloody Hodges me.
Mind games. So you just decided to talk about love after that. Mate. So, so then, um, yeah. So what then what happened was I ran into the Daily Telegraph guy and he goes, why, why did, what made you start fighting?
And I was like, I'm just going to be honest with you, man. I was like, I want, I wanted to, you know, get my, my ex-girlfriend back. And then you just seen the Bondi boxing coach. Everyone's like, fuck, no. And then I was just like, yeah, well, you know what? I'm telling you the truth. Then I said, off off, I can want to get my ex-girlfriend back. And I want to use this stage to tell the world that I love her. And, um, you know, and, and he, he actually went word for word on it.
But then it got picked apart from the other, the other powers.
Yeah. Like, ah, this is so, you know, masculine and like, this guy's disgusting. Like fighting for love. Like, and I was like, Oh my God. I was like, fuck. You did your job. Yeah.
But the funniest one was, uh, me going on Sky News about it. Did you not say that? I get this email. They're like, Hey, Jordan, like such and such from Sky News.
Love the notebook. And love your love story.
Can you come on Sky News and do like a little, a little, um, have a little live chat on live TV about it? So I was like, yeah, sweet wins.
What do you think about climate change and Donald Trump?
One guy's like, why are you here? I was like, man, I don't even know. They emailed me last night.
Oh man. That's some good press. I mean, I'm, I know that I know Georgie would be loving it. Yeah. Man, the guy from the Daily Telegraph said it was the most clicked on, uh, sports story in the past year or so. Yeah. And said that, um, you know, something like that.
So yeah, he was having a laugh and, um, but it was genuine, man. It was genuine. A lot of people like, Oh, he's just doing it.
But I love Sammy. Like I'm bloody obsessed with her. So I was like, I'm just able to come on a boxing stage and tell her I love her.
Like any, uh, any luck? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah.
Back on. I'm trying, I'm, I'm working on it. I'm working on it, mate. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, it's, it's, it's what's next now. She said if you can get Gal, we're on it. Yeah, you can do it. Call it now.
Mate, yeah, I'll fight Gal for sure. I'll fight Gal for sure. I, okay. After that experience, I'll fight it. Honestly, I would fight anyone.
Okay. So that Daily Telegraph journalist right now, this is your, this is your headline.
Jordan Simi says, still hasn't one back ex-girlfriend willing to fight Gal. I'd literally fight bloody Scott Morrison if I have to.
Well, bam, bam, bam, bam. That'd be a good one. Tui Vasa. Oh yeah, no, that's bloody, that's stretching it. You know? I don't know if Scott Morrison would be much of a fight. Yeah.
Tell, tell us a debate. Tell him to do a debate. Tell us about the fight.
Yeah, you're in the ring. All right. We've already gotten, you've already called out Gal. So we haven't really kind of walked through the actual four rounds there. You walk out to Black Skinhead, absolute track.
Was that one that has been on your mind for years? Well, it was one of those songs that you go, I could walk out to a fight with this. You might just be watching Home and Away one night and you know, you, and this song comes on and you're like, I could walk out to this, but I wanted to come out to Tennessee Whiskey and, and no one let me, I was picking country songs. I love country music, you know? So I was, I was picking country songs, but in Mariah Carey, but everyone was like, no, I should have stuck to my guns because that song pumped my heart so much.
By the time I got to the ring, I was fucking puffing. And then my coach, I don't know if he's seen, but when we were walking out, he was almost sprinting to the ring and I was like, I had felt the need to keep up with them, you know, so, but yeah, it came out to a bit of Kanye West.
Now Clancy, listeners to this podcast will know Clancy has quite a storied history in tent boxing around Queensland. He's been in a few fights himself. I have only been in a few, maybe out the front of licensed establishments, footy field, that sort of stuff. Yeah, yeah. As someone who, you know, this was your first professional fight.
What are the thoughts going through your mind going out into that ring? What do you like? What do you think?
Is it just, you're scared of getting gassed out or genuinely what is running through your mind with all those people around you? So we, we get there, everyone's, you know, saying hello, blah, blah, blah. And we get into the, um, the tent and I'm like, I sort of sit down and I'm like, fuck, I'm like, man, what am I, what the hell am I doing?
This is math 2017 all over again. This is commitment.
I was like, you know, this is, I didn't, I wasn't scared about the fighting aspect that only lasted for like, I reckon about five minutes where I was sort of like, shit, it's a long five minutes out, man. Yeah, it was fucking long.
But someone goes to me, someone said to me, um, uh, I can't remember who it was. I think it might've been one of my coaches goes the only way, like you're not going to, you know, let the size of the, um, the night like defeat you or, you know, give you anxiety or make you freeze in there is it's just actually thinking like you're the man, like thinking you're Muhammad Ali thinking, you know, you can, you can box with the best of them thinking that everyone actually came to see you and I'm like, well, they did.
And he's like, exactly. So I was like, all right, let's like, and so I changed as soon as I changed my mind frame to that, I wasn't actually scared of the, the crowd or the people watching or people watching it T on TV. I was sort of like, yeah, this is, this is actually going to be probably one of the best moments of my life. And this is my moment to enjoy it. Yeah. So yeah, but it was, it was almost like an out of body experience flying.
And, um, you know, I really wanted to win. I knew there was a big chance that I was going to gas out, but I decided that I needed to manage the fight. So it was like a slow burn. So it wasn't like a, you know, yeah. Just like, you know, first round, throw it all out. And then what happened in the third happens at the end of the first, you know, and it just, cause I knew it was going to happen. It was just a matter of win.
You were carrying yourself pretty well, but I see ex footballs, particularly undercooked ones. And I wouldn't say Hodges is one of these because he's been fighting for a while now, but you see those blokes, particularly when they just do those full cards of footy fights and you see them taken in big breaths around the third four, around the round, the third, some of those ones go way too long.
Yeah. They've got, they've got guys in their first fight doing 10 rounds. Yeah. It's almost like they're in the first couple.
They're just throwing them everywhere. And they're like, fuck, I don't know what to do now. And if you have seen those pub fights, you have seen pub fights that go so long that people are fucked.
Yeah. I end up just kind of like cuddling on the ground. Come on, man. Thanks, bro. You ended up saying, thanks bro. Like, have a good night.
Everyone's embarrassed here. Get off the ground. Let's go.
Tell us when, when did you start feeling that burn? When did the air feel colder?
Made the end of the second round, I was, um, the end of the second round, I was like, Oh shit. Like I'm, I'm blowing here. But the thing that was hardest for me that I didn't have experience on was, uh, I was second guessing myself in there because my coach, in my mind, I was like, I'm going to throw a jab and then uppercut or a hook and then, you know, uppercut, whatever it may be, whatever combo it may be. But then my coach would yell out something else. And that I think just comes with training, sparring time together.
Yeah.
So, you know, I would be about to go throw something in here. Go, you go, um, you know, hook, hook, hook, and I'll be like, shit. So that was really, that was a hard, a hard, um, thing. There was almost one point where I was just going to be like, man, cause I yelled at, I yelled at him.
I don't know if you heard me, but he goes, breathe, Jordan. I go, I am fucking breathing. And he goes, no one's ever yelled at me. Came to the corner. He's like, don't fucking yell at me again. I'm like, I'm fucking breathing.
So, yeah, but it was a second round. And then in my mind, I was like, all right, I need to just try and manage my punching, manage my breathing, you know, and, um, just, I was like, I'm just not going to get knocked out. So that was like my main thing. So did you, did you feel him rockier? I couldn't see it personally. Was there one or two where you, yeah, I think it actually happened in the second round or the start of the third, he came with the right and I sort of moved, I moved in closer to him and his forearm hit the back of my head, just at the back here. And my eyes instantly went cross-eyed like my, my eyes, it felt like someone was pushing them in like that. And I, like, you can see me go like that, shake my head. And then he smiled at me and then I smiled at him and I was like, oh yeah, like, this is sick, I was like, man, cause when you get in there, you try and cause I'm quite a loose fighter. I was like, I was trying to just be too tight and like move around like a boxer instead of just moving around, like, you know, dancing around. But he, he rocked me then, but my, yeah, my, my eyes instantly just went like cross-eyed and I was like, holy shit, like I'm about to get knocked out here and we smiled at each other, but the best part of it was, um, there was a moment we hugged each other and he's like, you know, don't, like, don't, don't let go, man, don't let go. Cause he was naked and I was like, trust me, man, I'm not going anywhere and we, we laughed. And that, and that very moment I was like, like things in my life sort of like flicked in my mind. I was like, I'm in the ring with like Justin Hodges in front of like in thousands of people.
Like, sorry for all those things I said to you on that day. I told, I told, this is a funny story. A lot of people don't know, but he's there. He actually talked about it, but, um, I gave him some clothes from YKTR. Did you guys hear about that?
So like on the, uh, the weigh-in, the weigh-in, he, um, he was wearing the same kit and I was like, the fuck, what's going on here? Like, and then someone goes, oh, you know, they lost his luggage at the airport. And then I was like, oh, that's, I was like, that's slack. So I hit him up afterwards. I said, oh, hey man, like, where are you staying? I'll come drop you off a box of clothes and shit.
So him and I actually spoke for like an hour, like the day before the fight, we just sat there vaping, just talking at the, at the casino, the air and the, and the thing, like had a bit of a steak sandwich and like, we were just chatting then and he was just, it was giving me good advice and I was trying to think like, he's, he's trying to little bro me, so I feel bad, but he goes, you know, like, I'm going to try and knock you out and you know, we just, we just had a mad chat before that. And I said, man, sorry for saying that stuff. Like, that wasn't me. I said, you know, the fight game is, he's like, he's like, the most unconventional pre-fight preparation. I don't know the steak sandwich and apologize for everything you said there. We, I bought him a box of clothes too. And he's like, thanks bro. And we just like, we sat there and we just talked for an hour, man. And I, I said to my old boy, cause like my dad's a massive Queensland supporter and stuff. It's a funny fucking story too, but yeah, I was like, man, I was just talking to Justin Rogers for about an hour of having the steak sandwich before we fight each other. Like what?
Well, you get through, you get through all four rounds, you lose just on points, just, which is as good as kind of winning a match, I guess. If you, if you, if your first ever match, you're saying you just admitted then in the ring that you weren't familiar with taking instruction from the corner mid-fight to get through that, it was annoying me to be honest with you, I was like, fuck up, sorry for swearing on this one. So then you, you get there, you've done it. How soon after that fight did the conversations, what about your next one? Did you walk into the drinks after the match and one of the Roseboys says, let's do it again?
Yeah, well, I, I actually, as soon as I got into the change room, I will, after the fight, I was like, fuck, if I had a nice like six to eight week training camp, I would have definitely won that because it was just the engine that blew out. So I pulled my shots and I couldn't punch in cause I was just exhausted, but straight away and plus two, I made a bit of coin from it. So I was like, and that was only in a two week, well, not even that, like a 10 days, a 10 day period. So I was like, man, if I can do this again, make a stack of cash and, you know, fight someone else and actually knock gas out this time.
I, so I, I seen Maddie and, and, um, called Georgie in the next day and I said, yeah, sign me up. So, wow, here we go. Well, you've already called that gal. Is there anyone else in your, in your scope?
Yeah. I mean, ah, man, I would like to, I would honestly fight every month in the back end of the year, like any NRL player, probably not Junior Polo. Um, something about him just not right. You know what I mean? And you know, he's such a nice guy as well that it's just weird. You know, you'd rather him be an asshole, but yeah, I, not necessarily. I mean, the boys, uh, Georgie and stuff did potentially say, um, John Sudden. Okay.
He was training the other day. Um, I know he was at those boys down from Maruba and stuff and, um, it's just Rennie.
Yeah. Well, man, Rennie's apparently can throw them. Yeah. So, yeah. So who, like, who, who knows, man? I'll I'd honestly, if they hit me up and said, do you want to fight someone? Anyone? I would do it. Yeah.
Oh, it's, it's gal knockout gal SBW. No knockout gal. Get the misses back SBW.
Yeah. Engagement on cloud nine. I honestly, I will post-fight engagement. Like, um, Toto style. You could, I'm thinking maybe UFC. Yeah. Maybe even wrestling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, PWA as well. That's, um, we, um, you know, obviously dancing Clancy over made his debut earlier this year. Uh, see me, that could be some good off season training for you.
Cinderella man. Yeah. Cinderella man's a nice, I love that.
I actually fucking love that, but you know what I just, it was a, it was a thing to the boys at like, you know, YKTR and stuff. I said, I said like, you know, we could literally infiltrate, just infiltrated Australian boxing and actually, you know, pretty much got majority of the press for that.
Well, they said to you at the start, don't embarrass your company. Don't embarrass the sport. Don't embarrass your girlfriend. Don't embarrass yourself. Don't embarrass your family or her family.
And that we're just talking about the media. You managed to get through the fight without doing any of that either.
So I think, I think it's on the up and up for the Cinderella man, Simi.
Thank you. Well, thanks for joining us today, mate.
I'm actually, in my mind, I'm going over who is out there because some of these players are fighting mid-career too.
Yeah.
That's what I mean at the end of the, uh, at the end of the season, I would love to fight as many NRL players as possible. I mean, not, not saying that I want to beat up NRL players. I mean, even union players.
Oh, actually Quaid, maybe Drew Mitchell. Drew Mitchell. Yeah, he was talking shit about NRL players and footy players, but that'd be a nice one. Drew Mitchell from Quaid?
Nah, nah, can't fight Quaid. Nah, I'd lose.
He's had so many fights. Yeah, no, but, um, I actually talked, I talked to Quaid a lot. You know, this, this is another crazy thing too, man. It's like the line of work that I found myself in and the circles that I found myself in, you know, Sonny Bill reaching out to me, Quaid reaching out to me, like just people that, you know, you just would never have thought.
You could have played 300 games at NRL and probably not got those text messages.
Exactly, bro. Exactly.
So I'm just super grateful for, for anything and everything that comes, comes with it, man. So, well, you've done it, mate. You've done it, Simmy. Thanks, mate.
One fight under the belt. One man's fight for love.
And plenty more to come. Yeah. I've got another big thing coming up too for the, uh, for the, the fight for love is, um, I'm doing an, uh, an art show. Oh, right. An art, yeah. Fuck, he's an all rounder. I'm an artist too. Yeah, right. So I'm doing a big art show in, uh, Piermont. Okay. Yeah. So that should be, that's my next thing. So keep an eye out on the papers for that. Fuck, Cinderella, Basquiat, everything. You got it, man, in this, in this league. Yeah. Well, thank you.
And where can the listeners on the track do, who hasn't, who hasn't heard, where can they find you now? My podcast is Grass in a Few Reds, um, instagramjordan.simmy and yeah, YKTR sports. Let's go.
Lash goal.
About that, so like on the, uh, the weigh-in, the weigh-in, he, um, he was wearing the same kit and I was like, the fuck what's going on here? Like, and then someone goes, Oh, you know, they lost his luggage at the airport. And then I was like, Oh, that's, I was like, that's slack. So I hit him up afterwards. I said, Oh, Hey man, like, where are you staying? I'll come drop you off a box of clothes and shit.
So him and I actually spoke for like an hour. Like the day before the fight, we just sat there, faking, just talking at the, at the casino, the air and the, and the thing, like had a bit of a steak sandwich and like, we were just chatting then. And he was just, it was giving me good advice. And I was trying to think like, he's, he's trying to little bro me, so I feel bad, but he goes, you know, like I'm going to try and knock you out. And you know, we just, we had a mad chat before that. And I said, man, sorry for saying that stuff. Like that wasn't me. I said, you know, the fight gamers. He's like, he's like the most unconventional pre-fight preparation of the steak sandwich and apologize for everything you said there. We, I bought him a box of clothes too. And he's like, thanks bro. And we just like, we sat there and we just talked for an hour, man. And I said to my old boy, cause like my dad's a massive Queensland supporter and stuff. It's a funny fucking story too. But yeah, I was like, man, I was just talking to Justin Hodges for about an hour of having a steak sandwich before we fight each other.
Like what? Well, you get through, you get through all four rounds, you lose just on points, just, which is as good as kind of winning a match, I guess if you, if you, your first ever match, you, you're saying you just admitted then in the ring that you weren't familiar with taking instruction from the corner mid-fight to, to get through that. It was annoying me, to be honest with you, I was like, fuck up, sorry for swearing. No, you're right on this one. So then you, you get there, you've done it. How soon after that fight did the conversations, what about your next one? Did you walk into the drinks after the match and one of the Roseboys says, let's do it again?
Yeah, well, I, I actually, as soon as I like got into the change room, I will, after the fight, I was like, fuck, if I had a nice like six to eight week training camp, I would have definitely won that because it was just the engine that blew out. So I pulled my shots and I couldn't punch in cause I was just exhausted, but straight away and plus two, I made a bit of coin from it. So I was like, and that was only in a two week, well, not even that, like a 10 days, a 10 day period. So I was like, man, if I can do this again, make a stack of cash and, you know, fight someone else and actually knock gas out this time.
I saw, I seen Maddie and, and, um, called Georgie in the next day and I said, yeah, sign me up. So, well, here we go. Well, you've already called that gal. Is anyone else in your, in your Scott?
Yeah. I mean, ah, man, I would like to, I would honestly fight every month in the back end of the year, like any in our old player, probably not junior polo, um, something about him just not right. You know what I mean? And you know, he's just such a nice guy as well that it's just weird. You know, you'd rather him be an asshole, but yeah, I, not necessarily. I mean, the boys, uh, Georgie and stuff did potentially say, um, John Sudden. Okay.
He was training the other day. Um, I know he was at those boys down from Aruba and stuff and, um, it's just, yeah, well man, Rennie's apparently can throw them.
Yeah. So yeah. So who, like, who, who knows, man? I'll, I'd honestly, if they hit me up and said, do you want to fight someone? Anyone? I would do it.
Oh, well, it's, it's gal knockout gal SBW. No knockout gal. Get the misses back. SBW.
Yeah. Engagement on cloud nine. I honestly, I have a post-fight engagement, like, um, toto style. You could, I'm thinking maybe UFC. Yeah. Maybe even wrestling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, PWA as well.
That's, um, we, um, you know, obviously dancing Clancy over, I made his debut earlier this year. See me, that could be some good off season training for you. Cinderella man on it. Yeah. Cinderella man's a nice, I love that. I actually fucking love that.
But you know what? I just, it was a, it was a thing to the boys at like, you know, YKTR and stuff. I said, I said like, you know, we could literally infiltrate just infiltrated Australian boxing and actually, you know, pretty much got majority of the press for that.
Well, they said to you at the start, don't embarrass your company. Don't embarrass the sport. Don't embarrass your girlfriend. Don't embarrass yourself. Don't embarrass your family or her family.
And that we're just talking about the media. You managed to get through the fight without doing any of that either.
So I think, I think it's on the up and up for the Cinderella man, Simi.
Thank you. Well, thanks for joining us today, mate.
I'm actually in my mind, I'm going over who is out there because some of these players are fighting mid career too.
Yeah.
That's what I mean at the end of the, uh, at the end of the season, I would love to fight as many NRL players as possible. I mean, not, not saying that I want to beat up NRL players. I mean, even union players.
Oh, actually Quaid, maybe Drew Mitchell. Drew Mitchell. Yeah. He was talking shit about NRL players and footy players that, but that'd be a nice one. Drew Mitchell and Quaid?
Nah, nah, can't fight Quaid. Nah, I'd lose.
He's had so many fights. Yeah, no, but, um, I actually talked, I talked to Quaid a lot, you know, this, this is another crazy thing too, man. There's like the line of work that I found myself in and the circles that I found myself in, you know, Sonny Bill reaching out to me, Quaid reaching out to me, like just people that, you know, you just would never have thought.
You could have played 300 games of NRL and probably not got those text messages.
Exactly, bro. Exactly. So I'm just super grateful for, for anything and everything that comes, comes with it, man. So. Well, you've done it, mate. You've done it, Simi. Thanks, mate.
One fight under the belt. One man's fight for love.
And plenty more to come. Yeah. I've got another big thing coming up too, for the, uh, for the, the fight for love is, um, I'm doing an, uh, an art show. Oh, right. An art show. Fuck, he's an all rounder. I'm an artist too. Yeah, right. So I'm doing a big art show in, uh, Piermont. Okay. Yeah. So that should be, that's my next thing. So keep an eye out on the papers for that. Fuck, Cinderella, Basquiat, everything. You got it, man. In this, in this league. Yeah. Well, thank you.
And, uh, where can the listeners on the track do who hasn't, hasn't heard, where can they find you now? Um, my podcast is grass and a few reds, um, Instagram, jordan.semi and yeah, YKTR sports.
Let's go. |
TheOnion | Iron_Man_Trailer_To_Be_Made_Into_Feature_Film | Iron Man was one of the most popular trailers of last summer, but controversy is sweeping the fan community today following the announcement that Paramount Pictures is planning to adapt the beloved trailer into a feature-length motion picture. Here to discuss the details is Entertainment Weekly writer Rory Covey. Rory, good to see you again. I take it there's some mixed reaction to this news. You bet. What are they going to do? The trailer is near and dear to a lot of fans' hearts, so you can imagine how worried people are about this news. Apparently, the plan is to expand that fast montage, a very short shot seen in the trailer, into full-length distinct scenes. And in between those scenes, they plan to add additional scenes that weren't in the trailer. It just doesn't seem like that would work. That's right. The fact is it's very difficult to make the character, story, action that work in a 90-second format also work when they're stretched out to 80 or 90 minutes. Why do you think the trailer was so popular?
Well, it does tell an amazing story, Michael. A cocksure billionaire, industrialist, and inventor is kidnapped but turns on his captors by designing an amazing mechanized suit of armor, ultimately becoming a hero to the world. It is a breathtaking 90-second thrill ride.
Surely, then, Paramount realizes the tremendous financial risk of alienating the trailer's core fan base if they don't embrace the film properly and outright. Exactly. And that's why the studio has tried to reassure the public that everything that they love about the trailer will be incorporated into the movie adaptation right down to actual lines from the trailer. And they are bringing Robert Downey Jr. back to reprise his role as Tony Stark. Well, there would have been a real outcry if they had tried to cast someone else. Yes, but that doesn't quell everyone's fears over whether the integrity of the trailer is in danger.
For instance, the red-headed woman played by Gwyneth Paltrow. Who's great. She is great. And fans love her three-quarters of a second role.
I mean, what if they gave her more lines or more scenes? I mean, who knows what they'll put in there between the point where he breaks out of the lab in the suit and the point where he flies in front of those jets? What if they put in a tedious romantic subplot that was 20 or 30 minutes long?
That doesn't sound good. No. Well, I guess we'll all be waiting to see how it actually turns out. Yes.
Luckily for us, Paramount has announced that it plans to release the movie in theaters along with a group of eight entirely new entertainment-packed trailers to screen before the film. Even if the movie is no good, hopefully the trip to the theater will be worth it anyway.
Rory Covey, thanks for being with us today. We'll see you later on. Thank you. Okay.
In Seattle today, a man has bruised 23 people in a punching spree. |
cracked | what_is_the_worst_part_of_living_in_the_matrix_cracked_debate | I thought I was dead. You only thought you were dead.
I know, I literally just said that. Machine!
Man, living in the Matrix would be like really bad. Yes, I also think that it would be bad. But like probably for different reasons than you think. Being mentally enslaved by evil robots inside a big ass Oculus Rift forever is definitely a bottom five experience. Yeah, in some ways. But in other ways it would be totally fine.
You don't know that you're mentally enslaved. You probably live a pretty normal life actually. Even the steak is good sometimes. But you're still mentally enslaved.
And at some point you may accidentally discover that the Matrix isn't real and escape. But then you realize the real world is like way worse. It's just a bunch of living underground, fighting the end of the swords, and sweaty on hygienic orgies. So you agree then that living in the simulation would be better?
Yes. Wait. No.
Until agents possess your body and force you to fight kung fu terrorists until you're bullet time and addicted to death.
Warmer? No, I think it's pretty red high.
Okay, so yeah, that would be pretty bad. At least in that scenario, you die relatively quickly and you don't realize that anything's wrong. It's like playing with scissors and then your brother takes a dump that lights up the entire house and it blows the scissors into your eyeball and then you bleed to death. That is really specific. All I'm saying is that the scariest part of this entire thing is not escaping into the shitty real world, nor is it dying in the virtual. I think we have different definitions of scary. Just think about it.
If an agent takes over a person's body, they're doing it exclusively to kill someone. So now dying is bad. Sure, but killing is worse. Generally speaking, I think I'd rather not die, but go on.
Okay, we're never shown this in the movies, but what would have happened if a red pill escapes and the agent that's chasing them doesn't die? What would have happened to the helicopter pilot if Trinity hadn't blown his brains out and the agent inside of him had just gone on his own way into a new body?
Wait, wait, wait.
Red pills? Why are we talking about far right gamer dudes? The Matrix is clearly a trans allegory. No, like red pills.
The freed humans that are aware of the true identity of the Matrix. Neo, Morpheus, Trinity. And that fucking cat who clearly knows what's up.
Exactly, but like we never see agents leave a body unharmed and then like transform back into the body of like that dude Jeremy from high school who keeps trying to sell Cutco knives to your parents. Those things are sharp. So presumably the agent buggers off into somebody else's body that's definitely the rocks and they just, you know, leave behind the person with all the bodies of their murder victims. But how do you know these people come back as they were? Maybe their brain shuts down when the agent jacks into somebody else, or maybe they're reborn as a squirrel with no memories and a thirst for nuts. In the Animatrix episode, a detective story, we actually see an agent start to jack the main character's body, but then pull out halfway through.
Statistically, pulling out is only about 80% effective. Why do it?
Well, because Trinity shot the guy halfway through the jacking and the agent didn't want to finish inside of a dying man. That's some powerful restraint. So the agent aborts, but the guy doesn't keel over or go crazy or anything. If he dies, it'll be from Trinity's gunshot wound, not some sort of agent-inflicted brain cancer. Hey, my grandfather died of an agent-inflicted brain cancer.
Anyways, I don't even see how this is even possible to have happened because I don't see any proof of it, or that even if it did, that it would be a big deal. In the Matrix Web of Comics, Volume 2. No, nerd, God, doesn't count. Scan it!
Yep. And as the lineman assists her, he suddenly transforms into an agent and shoots her in the eyeball and then transforms back into a regular creepy dude. Yeah, a regular creepy dude who's probably like first shared clarinet in his choir at church. Yeah.
Well, the point is, if this has happened once, it's probably happened a thousand times. Red pills and anybody who gets in their way are constantly getting killed by agents, which by extension means that they're getting killed by a bunch of innocent regular people who just have no idea what's happening to them.
Yeah, but the lineman didn't actually kill her, so he shouldn't feel guilty. Well, no, this isn't about guilt, or at least not exclusively.
The regular cop who's pulling this guy in isn't going to believe, Your Honor, Elrond in a suit came by and then he told me to shoot them. And they're not going to let him off.
Innocent people like the Lineman and other people who've been hijacked by agents are going to be thrown into an actual virtual jail while still being inside of a physical mental virtual jail. It's done in prison! Oh, s**t, you're right. And since agents are basically federal cops whose whole goal is to maintain status quo, they're basically planting evidence and covering up their own crimes. Exactly. The worst part about living in The Matrix is that the simulated world that everybody lives in is actually an insane police state in which people are constantly falsely accused of murder thrown into jail to cover up the systemic abuses of the robotic Guhrm.
Wow. Damn.
But wait, now that people can choose to be released after revolutions when they do that dumb peace thing, it's not a problem anymore, right? Well, no, but anybody who does leave will go freaking insane because they explicitly state in the first Matrix that anybody who leaves The Matrix too late in life will lose their mind. They can't handle learning that they've been living in super hot their entire life. And what you're saying is that at the time of Matrix 4, there will be recently freed, wrongly convicted murderers who probably went insane because nobody believed them and are now definitely insane because they learned about The Matrix too late in life and are now running around in the free world and The Matrix.
Yeah, it's gonna be pretty cool. What? Exactly.
Anyway, we never see agents leave a body unharmed and then transform back into the body of that guy that you went to high school with who was constantly racing his truck up and down the street and then he got too drunk one night and he flipped it back over and then he survived but somehow came back to haunt you by asking you to join Jehovah's Witnesses. No, I can't use that.
Well, it's just so long. Yeah, it's just very long. |
SaturdayNightLive | we_got_brought_snl | My friend is going out, and I'm tagging along. she's gonna see some pals she hasn't seen in so long. it's my boyfriend's friend's birthday, and I was free. will I know people there? he said. you'll know me. My sister's meat and fridge, she said. you'll love him, I think. I said, I don't love strangers, but I do like to drink. everybody, this is Phil. Hey, I'm friends with Alexis. guys, this is my sister. I flew in from Texas. and I finally brought my girlfriend. that's me, I'm Heather. where did you three meet? we all grew up together. they leave us at the table, and they go do a shot. they ask if we'll save their seats. we say, yes, sure, why not? But now we're three strangers that our friends forgot. uh-oh, uh-oh. know each other. we got problems. so we all have to suffer. we're off of smudges, not in a lot. and we all want to leave, but it's only eight o'clock. we got problems. it's hell on earth, but we're trying to push through. I asked, where y'all from? and I asked, what do you do? and I couldn't think of a single other question, So I also asked, where are y'all from? we already covered that. does anyone have another question? Okay, so, uh, what's y'all's trauma? I make my escape and say I'm going to the bathroom, and this crazy bitch says. oh, I'll go with you. no, you won't. is she leaving? Nice meeting you. Now we're waiting at the bar, but no one's coming by, and if there's one second of silence, then we'll both die.
So I reach into the depths of what I know, and I say, did you know there have only been 25 deaths at Disneyland since 1955? and she says. only? I say, never mind. I ask, what neighborhood is your apartment in? and she says. Brooklyn. and I say, oh, whereabouts in Brooklyn. And without saving a beat, she says. which was shocking, so I panicked, and all I could say was. oh, good. I love the safe part. What? no. I said the south part. your mutual rules are on, your mutual rules are missing. you're wondering the dance floor while your friends are reminiscing. where are our friends? where have they gone? why would they bring us here and leave us so long? you're all out of topics and the conversation's lazy, so you just keep on saying, that's crazy, that's crazy.
Oh, really? so crazy. No way. that's crazy. Wow. crazy. that's crazy. so crazy.
Well, it's nice to meet you. it's getting late. it's 8.05. I don't want to be here anymore. |
dropout | if_iphone_6_were_actually_better | At Apple, we strive to make every product as innovative and delightful as possible. But with the iPhone 6, we've listened to our users, and now are adding the features you actually want. When Apple introduced the Lightning port, we required you to buy all new cables, because we're arseholes who love money. But we've listened to your frustration, which is why the iPhone 6 will be compatible with all your old chargers. The iPhone 6 also features an entirely new battery display, which for the first time fucking works.
Now it goes all the way to zero percent. Instead of getting to 11 percent, and then suddenly dying for no goddamn reason, you're going to love what we've done with Apple Maps. Because we've deleted it and replaced it with Google Maps. It really is our best version yet.
And in the iPhone 6, the podcast app won't be a big festering turd that's like, how does this suck so much? How is that even possible? Our users have fallen in love with their iPhone cases, because they know our slippery glass phones will shatter if they're dropped on anything harder than a marshmallow. So get this, we made the iPhone out of the same shit the case is made of. Now you don't have to carry your phone more carefully than a newborn with osteoporosis. Siri now works, whereas before it didn't ever. Let's be honest, up to this point, our commercials have been about as realistic as that Joaquin Phoenix movie. Finally, beginning with the iPhone 6, I will be punched repeatedly in the face. Ow, ow, ow, I deserve this, ow. |
dropout | what_is_the_worst_way_to_announce_a_pregnancy_rank_room | Like insects. No, I know. Why did you say bunny? Like Bugs Bunny.
What a joke! What a card!
Hello and welcome to The Rank Room. This is a game show where we try to answer life's most important questions. Today's question is, What is the worst way to announce a pregnancy? Today I'm joined by Michael Trapp.
An expert at living. Rekha Shankar. Expert at living. And Grant O'Brien. Expert at living.
Grant, would you like to start? I'd like to. It seems to me that the worst way to announce a pregnancy is in period blood. And I'll tell you why. Wait. Do you understand? Here's the thing.
You wouldn't be on your period if you... That's exactly why it's the worst way to announce a pregnancy. Because not only, not only, not only... Not only are you announcing anything in period blood, which is not a great way to announce things, but it means that it's either old period blood or someone else's period blood. Or what all of us thought, which is a miscarriage. Which would also be a very bad way to announce a pregnancy.
I guess if you saved your period blood for this occasion, that would be strange. It would be strange. That would be the first thing I would say. I would say, hmm. How strange. What a strange thing you've done.
Well, if a diva cup, this would be really easy to do. Yes, of course. Just save your little diva cups. I am pregnant. Rekha, would you like to go ahead? Yes. My first idea was a period advent calendar.
This is weird. This is also weird. This is a weird thing that's happening right now. No. This is weird for fun reasons. Yours is weird for bad reasons.
I gave a combination of the three. Let her speak. Rekha, you have the floor. Thank you.
You have an advent calendar that has, you know, from light to heavy tampons or pads under it. This is a fun way to have your period. You pull off the pad and you're like, it's my heavy day. Heavy day.
Come on. This is me. Sorry. This is me.
Then, if you're pregnant, you take out all the tampons and the pads, right? So then, when you're in front of your partner, you're like, oh, time to go to the period calendar.
And they won't think it's weird because they're like, that's Rekha. She does this.
Yes. You open the deck and there's nothing there. And then your partner's like, what?
They instantly know.
I love that. As a person who doesn't have a period, that seems to me to necessitate an incredibly regular period. Thanks. I feel like, I feel like, you know, that's just so easy to fuck up.
Trapp, what are you going to say? What are you really going to say right now?
What's nice about it is that birth is such an important part of Advent, anyway. What is Advent? It's the four weeks leading up to Christmas, which is the birth of Jesus. So it's the last month of Mary's pregnancy while she traveled to Bethlehem so that Joseph could be counted for tax purposes.
Sexy. Sex-e-ler.
My announcement is to just continue to deny it. One of the worst things you can do is to congratulate someone on a pregnancy when they're not pregnant. Yeah. Painful. And it gets more and more evident, the way a pregnancy works. Just to be able to, for all your friends, one by one make them feel that deep, utter loathing that comes with getting that wrong, which is like, when does it do?
No. It is not do. Really? Not at all. I just put my hand on your stomach and it kicked. No.
That's not what that is. That is a... And just... Miss, you're crowning. Hmm? You're crowning? That is not what's happening. No.
That's urine. Don't touch my urine now. I pee like a snake. Solid urine. Yes. This is a breech urine.
You don't understand. I need to go to the hospital. And with that, I guess, comes like, eventually that baby will show up and... Keep denying it. It's just cute.
I don't have a baby. No. I don't have a baby. No. I don't have a baby. Why are you doing this? I don't have a baby.
No. No, no, no. You are lactating. Not me. No.
I should go.
Sad sibling rivalry. Two sisters. They spend their entire lives with a fierce rivalry.
Who is gonna make the baseball team? Who's gonna make the softball team? Who's gonna, you know...
Super athletic. One gets on the baseball team. One gets on the softball team. Incredibly athletic.
No, never. I don't think I will.
Who's gonna make the squash team? Who's gonna make the racquetball team? The rivalry is fierce, okay? Their entire lives, they're competing for these things.
One of them gets pregnant. The older sister gets pregnant.
Sure. And around the same time, younger sisters like, I wanna have a pregnancy as well. I really do.
This is sad. So don't. But nine months, it ends with a death. A stillbirth? Mm-hmm. I'm so sorry. I will. And in that moment, her sister comes in, not knowing that it's been a stillbirth, and she goes, guess what?
I'm pregnant with twins. Because that's what everyone wants, right? Everyone wants twins. No. Oh my god, no. I don't want twins. Mary-Kate and Ashley, everyone wants twins. I have loved twins my entire life.
This is special. I know. That would be terrible. That would be terrible even if the baby wasn't stillborn. I know. And it would be especially sad if she just lost the baby. Sure.
Was it a softball injury? Is that why this baby was stillborn? She was the baseball.
To be clear, the specificity of announcing twins, that is important because that is the best possible thing. That's the best possible thing. Objectively better than one baby is new. It's two babies. Two.
Hello. Guys, do you not like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen? Grant, go ahead. I think the worst way to announce a pregnancy would be to say it's Grant's. Now look, I think I have a lot of good qualities. Why? Who told you that?
I'm not ready to have a kid. I'm not financially stable enough for it. I'm not emotionally stable enough for it.
I'm not in a relationship that would... I'm not in a relationship.
It would be very upsetting to me to hear it's Grant's baby. This is worst for you. Yeah. It's for everyone. It makes sense. Yeah. Wouldn't you be upset if somebody said to you, my baby is Grant's. Oh, I'd be so upset. Grant is going to be the father of my kid. Yes.
Hang on. Now, wait a minute.
You know what? This one loses. That's great. I think it should stay on the table. I'm going to leave it here, but this one, this is the wrong answer. I want to go back to something you said.
You said you have many good qualities. Yeah, I do have many good qualities. I'm as kind as I feel I can be.
No, I'm sure. Bare minimum. I think I'm funny. Okay. I... Okay.
Overconfident. I fuck people just right. Ew! Are those your qualities? You fuck just right?
You think you're funny and you try to be kind. Honestly, that is the diet version of it. I'm looking for someone who's kind and funny. It's like, well, he tries to be kind and he thinks he's funny.
Rekha, would you like to go again? Sure. Egg performance art. Now, you have to write a play, like a one-person show about birth and rebirth and whatever. And you got to be stressing a lot to your partner, like, oh, I hope tickets sell. Yeah. I hope people come. God, I'm so...
The lighting keys are all mess. Dress rehearsal.
Can't have dinner tonight. Gotta go. Done.
It's opening night. There's one ticket for your partner. The theater is empty. Surprise, everyone. You didn't invite anyone else to the show to watch this three-hour show by themselves in a large auditorium. And the end is you announcing your pregnancy. It's possible that most plays are bad.
I saw a woman in New York, I think her thing was she dressed up as bugs? Bunny? Tracks. That sounds like... Bunny? No. Sorry. Different types of bugs. Okay. What? Like insects. No, I know. Why did you say bunny? Like Bugs Bunny. Oh!
What a joke.
What a card. I... What is bugs? I don't know.
Guys, we didn't have to know, we didn't all... Go to the same school. We were raised by your parents. We all got to the same college. Okay, we don't all have the same degrees.
Trap, would you like to go ahead? Yeah sure. This is just written as a risky pregnancy, but what I would imagine would be a party for all your friends and all you can eat. Sushi and Roller Coaster Beer Festival. No! Yeah.
Hot tubs.
Beer. And soft cheeses. Yeah, all of that, it's part of this great party. Smoking. Cocaine.
There's so many truly fun things that you can't do when you're pregnant. I didn't know hot tubs.
Yes. It cooks the baby. That baby's dead, like for sure.
That's the announcement at the end. That's the big reveal. Okay, like I suppose you're wondering why we've had the best day of our life.
A carnival. A carnival of delights here.
All the deli meats we could eat. Yes, you can't eat deli meat? Can't eat deli meat.
You can't. There's so many rules. I will say, I think that this is a great answer and actually, I came up with it. No, I came up with it. I didn't mean that. What are you talking about?
And actually, this is my favorite. And actually, my favorite.
Let's do this. My final idea is lights, camera, conception. Get a load of this. Two people are, they are both in the film industry.
They develop a little GoPro type thing that sticks on the end of the penis. You're so proud of this. I love it. You're so proud of it. It sticks on the end of the penis and it can go inside a vagina during intercourse.
Like when you, like a colonoscopy. Yes, exactly. But this is a penis. Like a colonoscopy. Yeah, this is just like a colonoscopy. Like when I give myself a colonoscopy.
So anyway, the camera records the exact moment when the man ejaculates into the woman. And it doesn't get on the camera? The camera is set up in such a way as to catch the ejaculation.
And there's plenty of light in there. The lighting is stuck. Yes, I said they work in film, my God. They know how to light the inside of a vagina. You get a softbox up and you light the inside of a vagina.
What's going on? It's stupid.
That's why I said they work in the industry. Go on. Maya Culpa, you know what, you're right. They work in the industry. They know how to light a vagina. They know how to do this. Anyway, a few months later, they find out that they are indeed pregnant. They post footage and then they end it with a title card that says it was a success. The actual.
Announcement is this man's peeing ejaculate. But all that's on camera. I'm sorry, can you run those hand motions by me one more time, please? A man's peeing ejaculate.
Don't let me do that over here. That's not the moment of conception. It happens off screen. Grant, I got a five on AP bio, I know.
It's almost like you'd need a tinier GoPro on top of the GoPro that one of the sperm can snag. Yeah, there's an even smaller little camera. The sperm that will be successful, he knows, he's strong. He's got a little camcorder. He puts on the backpack. Why not, though? He's a backpack camera. And he floats, too. Yeah, and since he's like a dad, it's like in night vision by accident, and the lens caps on. The sperm has arms in your mind. The sperm has a backpack on. Well, what's it hanging on? Flagella. He's got little arms.
Okay, cool. You don't know. You're the one with the five in AP bio. I'm the one with the five, okay.
Stick to Bugs Bunny trap. Yeah, really. I'm getting hung up on the mechanics of this, which I shouldn't be. This is clearly a fantasy. You absolutely shouldn't be. But how is this attached? What does this feel like? This can't be comfortable for the woman.
They're in the film and it's a tie. It's just easily and it feels good. It's good. No. Anyway, all I'm saying is, yeah, it can happen, okay. You can have a camera attached to a penis inside of a vagina ejaculating to capture it.
It's a turducken.
I'll bet this exists. Yeah, hello. Hello. Knock knock.
Read a book. Reality calling. Read a book. Knock, read a book.
What's up, doc? Reality. Yeah, reality.
Guys, it is now time to eliminate and rank. Grant, I'm gonna turn to you first. Yeah. We have eight very good ideas on the table. I would like you to pick one to go on the top three. I would like to nominate Egg Performance Art. Yes. Being one of the worst ways to announce a pregnancy because of how much garbage performance art I've seen in my life. So I would submit this for the top three. Excellent, thank you very much. Raytha, I turn to you next. I think light's camera conception is pretty bad. It might be hot to some people, but also a bad way to announce a pregnancy. Michael Tapp. Yes. If we're talking about truly awful things that would just be absolutely devastating. For the globe. For everyone involved. If we're talking about what pregnancy announcement you just can't handle, it's gotta be, it's Grant's. Yes, I ask all of you to join me in throwing dramatically the questions that... Everyone, now it is time for me to rank the top three. Very good. In third place, we have light's camera conception. In second place, we have egg performance art. No, hell no. And of course, in first place, everyone agrees with me on tour. It's Grant's.
I don't think that's right. I don't think that's...
It would be truly devastating. Thank you so much for watching this episode of The Rank Room. Tune in again, and we will be answering more of life's most important questions. Michael Tapp, Rakeshankar.
Grant. Did you forget? It's Grant. |
SaturdayNightLive | oscar_isaac_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Oscar Isaac! thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. this is my first time hosting Snl. they actually asked me to host back in 2015, but I said, no, I'm not ready.
I want to wait till after the pandemic. And they were like, what pandemic? my name is Oscar Isaac, but my full name is Oscar Isaac.
I said, to Hollywood, you can pick two of these names. Guess what they went with? the white ones. I'm half Guatemalan, half Cuban. or, as casting directors call that, ethnically ambiguous. according to them, I can play anything from a Pharaoh to Timothy Chalamet's daddy. you know that joke, a priest, a Rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar? Yeah, I could play anyone in that joke.
But I am excited. I'm joining the Marvel Universe with Moon Knight. it's kind of a full circle moment since the first movie I was ever in was called The Avenger. not The Avengers, which was a massive blockbuster. No, no, this was The Avenger, which is a movie that I wrote, directed, and starred in when I was 10 years old. it was shot on location in my buddy Bruce Ferguson's backyard in our hometown of Miami, Florida.
I play a ninja assassin training to fight his nemesis, and we actually have a clip. This is real. Check this out. Okay, there's the opening title. And there I am, kind of losing my balance a little bit. perfect editing. And here comes my big stunt. I trained two months for this. Yeah! And I made it for half the budget, only $110 million. But I took it really seriously, maybe a little too seriously, like in this scene. Okay, there I am, acting my heart out.
And there's my friend's dad cleaning the pool. shout-out to Mr. Ferguson. And shout-out to my buddy Bruce. he's at home watching, and he had no idea our old movie was going to be on Snl.
I actually had to sign a licensing agreement to show it. it's true. Nbc Universal now owns The Avenger, coming this fall to Peacock.
I've got one more clip. this is a scene I did with myself where I play both parts. Okay? here we go. that's me. I'm my own henchman. can we do this? Uh-oh. uh-oh. uh-oh. now watch what I do with the sword. Total commitment from the start.
Now, you might be asking, Oscar, why did you use your monologue to show us these old home videos? And the reason is, it's important to encourage kids to be weirdos. because every once in a while, one of those weirdos grows up to host Snl. |
TheOnion | Fans_Flock_To_Lollapalooza_To_See_All_Of_The_Biggest_Brands | Summer music festival season is in full swing, and this weekend fans are flocking to Lollapalooza to see all of their favorite brands. We hit Chicago's Grant Park to find out which companies and corporate sponsors fans are most excited to check out. Verizon, Red Bull, Walgreens, so many great brands all in one spot. We drive up every year for it. You've got everything from soda brands to beer brands to websites. It's so diverse. I'm just trying to get in line with as many content pillars as I can this weekend. It's for this year's festival sold out instantly after Lollapalooza announced their line-up featuring big-name headliners like Coca-Cola, Bud Light, and YouTube, alongside must-see smaller brands like Whole Foods and Sniders of Hanover. Every year the festival gets bigger and bigger. With so many awesome sponsors, music fans know that Lollapalooza is the place to learn about which products and services to purchase. Even with advertising widely available online for free, festival-goers say there's nothing like experiencing great sponsorship live. I'm a dynamic millennial who's a leader in my peer group, so I'm obviously a huge fan of Citibank.
When they were handing out magnets, it felt like they were handing out magnets to me. The experience is amazing. It's been unreal.
Sprite is the best brand ever. I can't wait to see AT&T. Microsoft! Starfix caught up with one of Lollapalooza's hottest brands, Vitamin Water. It's amazing getting to be here live and seeing our fans shouting our slogans along with us. We're also super stoked to check out some of the other brands, too. I really want to engage with Bacardi. Their brand essence is sick.
And festival season means star sightings as well. Just this morning, Ryan Reynolds tweeted, "#Lollapalooza can't wait to rock out at the Taco Bell Crunch Off." And the big rumor out of Lala this weekend is that there could be a surprise appearance from crowd favorite Pizza Hut, who may be debuting a new Pizzone at the fest. Yum, I wish I could be there. Well, next up, find out which sexy celebs Jonah Hill was masturbated to. |
dropout | hardly_working_sticky_kids_with_thomas_middleditch | I captured Siberia!
I'm going to win! I'm finally going to win!
Oh no! No, no, no! Dammit!
Darien, Damien, what are you guys doing here? Ah, sorry. Sorry, yeah. Quick question.
Our mother, she was supposed to come us up here in three and it's been 48 hours now. Two days. We just wanted to know if our parents were going to pick us up or if we had to go home or if we're not wanted. Yeah, I don't know where she is.
I'm sorry. Hey, I'm Owen. Hey man, what are you doing that for, you idiot? You ruined it. You got our fun. Hey. You're bad first. Ew.
So my mom was Darien and Damien's school psychologist back in like fifth grade and she started making me hang out with him every day. Yeah, Pat's mom is a wonderful human being. Yeah, she let us kiss her one time in a session.
What are you guys doing? Well, we were playing Risk, but then you guys kind of dropped your pudding in the middle of seguro. Oh, there it went. Oh, you... Whoa, what happened to your hand?
We were at Robert Crucher's birthday party. My dad came to pick us up and Damien put his hand in the sliding glass door. He just rammed it. Slammed it and then I put my hand in it because I need to be like him.
Hold that story before you're lying. Please just leave so we can finish our game. Okay. It's coming out. Thank you. They seem nice. Oh, yeah. They're really nice until they bite you for touching them. Hang on a minute. Where are the dice? Uh-oh.
Oh, those are the least sour warheads in my mouth. They weren't warheads, Damien. They were dice. We're playing a game. They weren't sour.
Came here playing anyways. We can't play games because our parents put all of our toys on top of the fridge because...
Someone help me. Why did you guys come back? Oh, we want to know if you want to go have these on this burger. Oh, yeah. Do you also want this burger for you? No, we're not hungry. What?
Well, then are you thirsty? Because it's all juice. But you can't have too much and I was doing a little piss.
Yeah, I once was at Pat's house and I was too scared to go to the bathroom because it's dark. He gets really bad night terrors. He's kicked me in the fucking face. So what I had to do is I peed in his toy box. Once I start going, I can't stop. I remember that story. It's very traumatic.
You three hung out a lot, huh? Oh, yeah. We used to play all the time. We used to play kiss the nudie tag. I had pictures. I know.
You guys, listen, why don't you just go work on your math skill book until your mom gets here? Okay, but we drew some obstacles all over. Yeah, we had to because they were told us to.
Get out. Go. Whatever you say.
That's you. Hey, Pat. You look like this. I hate them so much. You know what? I think it's really cool that you're hanging out with them, man. Ow! Pat, your sticky friends pulled my hair and then put this on my desk.
She's a liar. God damn it. I'm not lying. You have a Pringles can in your hand. No, I don't. Stop lying. Everything lies. Damien, Darien, I'm calling your mom. I'm telling her what you did.
No! No, everyone just calm the heck down, okay?
You know what? I think Darien and Damien are very nice boys. You do? You are? Yeah.
Just because they're shy and sticky doesn't mean that beneath their cheeto-crusted and tooth-plactics terrier, they're not two very special young men. No! |
cracked | when_making_fun_of_bad_tv_isn_t_worth_it_agents_of_cracked_episode_12 | Hi, I'm Abe Epperson. I directed Agents of Cracked. Welcome to the Craterion collection of the Agents of Cracked.
Stay after and we'll be talking about what we did while we made the thing, little anecdotes and stories. Spoiler alert, I killed a hobo. Okay, I've got my coffee, protein bar, sweat towel, and I won't need another bathroom break for two hours and 38 minutes. You all set? I am on it. I got my bucket, acoustic guitar, number for an escort service, this is all wrong, a jar of urine mine, rice crispy treat, jar of urine someone else. Michael, stop it.
What is this? What is all this?
In case I gotta pass a drug test. No, we're doing a live vlog. We're live vlogging an event. And Hank, why would you need your own urine for a drug test?
Oh, yeah. Yes, you're right. No, Michael, what did I say the last time? Live vlog, live vlog! Damn it, you're right.
Two minutes the daytime Emmys are gonna start and we are the only way our readers can get sharp up to the minute commentary on the event. Except by watching it. Yes, except by watching it.
Yes. We're gonna stay here, watch the Emmys and make funny, funny jokes, no matter what, okay? No matter what. Okay. All right. No matter what. This I vow, Daniel, I will make it happen, even should a series of cartoonish events. Attention, mindless employees. Yeah?
There has been a bomb threat to the office. By the time you hear this recording, I will have already heroically jumped through the window of my sixth floor office to save me. Evacuate immediately. Should you choose to stay, your families will not be compensated and no one will warn you. Jesus Christ! Michael, what are you doing? The Chief just said there's a bomb in the building.
Oh, I heard what he said. I also heard what you said, Daniel. Why is it that the one time you decide to listen to me just happens to be during a terrorist attack? What is the name of this song? But, damn it, you're right.
Our readers depend on us and we can't let them down. Let's live vlog. But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this right. We're gonna take turns searching for that bomb while the other one live vlogs. I'll go first.
I've never been more attracted to you. F***ing hello.
Michael, it's Dan. Who? Could be. Is that you? It's possibly me.
Shut up. Listen. The bomb's not on this floor.
How's the live vlog going? I don't know. It just started.
Regis Philbin kind of looks like a penis. Damn it. That sounds sick with comedic potential. Oh, it is, damn it. Damn it.
I'm on my way. I'll take over from here. No time. Oh, no. You know, about, about, about, about, about, about, about, oh, and then I'm sweet home.
Michael. Rital Ray just fell down. It was hilarious.
Where the hell are you? The bomb's not in your car. I... Wait, how did you get in my car? It's a spare key in your apartment.
It's not fair either. We need to talk about its boundaries, but get back, man. At least if I go down today, I'll be going down with my best friend. We're just colleagues. You too, buddy.
Susan Lucci, once again nominated for best actress, because they still don't have a category for shriveled piece of s***. You look like poop. I hate you.
Send. Money. Hey, hey, hey. Jesus, where'd you find it? What? Oh, right. Um, third floor ladies restroom. I actually remembered that I saw it there earlier when I was... There's not a lot of timeline. I'll be able to help you in one second.
Red wire, green wire, red wire, green wire. Stop saying wires. There are no wires. There were never any wires. Now, Dan, I'm color blind. And sometimes I see wires that aren't there.
And Star Jones is like the iceberg.
Okay. We're running out of time. Delusionary wire phagia. It's recognized by the DSM. I don't think it is. Okay. We've got 40 seconds to disarm this bomb, and we don't know how bombs work. We also have 35 seconds to get this last live log on the internet. Right.
My God. The internet will never know how I feel about Guiding Lights Crystal Chapel. She is so underrated.
I think we know what we have to do. I think you're right, partner. What? We're posting. Okay. Well, we posted the live log. Now what? Now, we wait.
Hombre. You know, it's taking a lot longer than I thought. Probably could have made it out. Well, do you want to? I don't think we could now. Right. There was so much to do. I wish I could have seen France just once. We should call you Hombre more often. That'd have been nice.
T-Bone! Thelonius! You came back for us.
I left my wave runner here. Thought I'd disarm this bomb as long as I was around. How do you know how to disarm a bomb? You own a wave runner?
I did some things for the military. Learned a few tricks, black ops. It's boring.
I'm gonna take this. Wow. T-Bone is, like, super badass. Yeah. And, like, really terrifying. Absolutely. Any comments on that? A couple of firsts.
Spelled wrong. No, they're not.
Linked to a dating website for tall people. Looks like someone called you Darth Gator. Is it a mix between gay and Darth Vader?
Yes, that is what that is. Tough break, Hombre. Man, I am sick of that name on you. Yeah, me too. What I want to know is who planted the bomb in the first place. You know, I guess we'll just never listen. Damn, you are good! Mystery of the Ladies Room. This is one we affectionately called Bomb Thread as a working title, so we may say that.
But it's a lot of fun because we just ran around, like, everywhere in the office, just getting shit in the middle of the night. And we just spent, I don't know, maybe 10 hours on it. It was just so much fun. I wrote the script for this one, and it was one of the most underwritten scripts because there was just full pages of, and then we find stuff to do in the office, and action stuff happens.
Or I think I wrote the line, it gets really fucking actiony up in here. Yeah, up in here, yeah. And we had nothing planned, and it was just, look, here's a hallway, try to climb it. Look, Michael, you can make Wolverine claws get in front of this fan. And it was just three idiots running around, having a good time. I loved it because I remember there was a moment where we were like, what can we physically do? And Dan was like, well, I can suspend on the ceiling. And I was like, Mike, what can you do? He's like, I can be in front of a fan. It was just like, there's no, we just did, we played to our strengths.
Really? That's, yeah. How's that going, by the way?
Really, really bad. Really poorly. |
TheOnion | this_week_in_history_v_e_day_commemorated_with_historic_radio_address_from_fdr_s_rotting_corpse | From the day in 1907, when a briefly vegan Theodore Roosevelt freed the capital's Buffalo population, to Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide in 1972, the Onion looks back at this week in history. On May 10, 1497, Amerigo Vespucci left Cadiz, Spain, for his historic first voyage to the New World, only to sheepishly return three days later for his ships and crew. According to historical records, the over-eager Italian explorer excitedly howled Arrivederci before diving into the Atlantic Ocean and swimming nearly 72 miles before realizing he forgot virtually everything needed for the journey. Vespucci swam all the way back to the dock and was completely red-faced as he walked slowly past his crew members who were clearly snickering at him. One bystander's journal records that as he walked by he mouthed, which means, boy, I feel like an idiot. I'd like to take a few seconds once again to talk about my colleague, Professor Eric Kaufman, who was recently awarded a tenure-track position at Princeton University. Congratulations, Eric. You have proven once again that being an arrogant, slack-jawed hack with a penchant for whoring yourself in the world of academia, your erect phallus waving in front of every department head with a pulse will still get you whatever you want, whenever you want it. Bravo.
On May 8, 1945, Americans celebrated Victory in Europe Day by listening to a radio address from Franklin Delano Roosevelt's rotting corpse. Overjoyed at the unconditional surrender of German forces, families and returning soldiers across the country gathered around radios to listen to the heartwarming sound of grunts and raspy, incoherent moans from the freshly exhumed, decomposing cadaver of a former president. My fellow Americans, today the battle against evil is... our nation and a great day for... Nearly 25 years later, the nation would once again celebrate when JFK's headless cadaver announced the moon landing. And on May 10, 1869, a femur was ripped out of a Chinaman, dipped in gold, and driven into the ground, thereby completing the first transcontinental railroad. And that was what happened this week in history. In the words of Winston Churchill, history is written by the winners because the losers are usually poor and illiterate. |
dropout | who_got_me_sick | What's going on? I've asked you all to meet me here, because somebody in this room got me sick. Yes, one of you. One of us?
Why, that's preposterous. You may not be sick at all. Perhaps you're simply tired or dehydrated. Yes, hydration. It's terribly important. I read an article about it, you know. No, the fact is that I am sick. All the other warning signs are there. Swollen lymph nodes, headaches, scratchy throat. The only people I've been around lately are you. Well, piss part, right? Maybe it was an accident, or maybe there's just something going around. These things don't just go around, no. Someone got me sick, and justice will be done. You bred it. You seem quite keen to dismiss this whole thing. Pretty curious for a man who spent hours breathing in my face on set. How dare you, sirah? I have never been sick a day in my life. Besides, we all know who got you sick.
It was Graf. Me, sir? Yes. You, sir. Why, we all saw you hacking and wheezing away yesterday. You misunderstand.
They were my allergies. Your allergies? And what exactly are you allergic to? Why, everything.
My constitution is as weak as my arms. Oh, please, they surely can't be that weak. Oh, but they are. On account of my old age, this is a most convincing story. I can see with my own eyes how old and frail this man is.
Well, I refuse to believe that it is one of us. I mean, perhaps it was your wife, Trapp, or maybe one of those dirty old bus poles. I don't think that...
Nobody move!
Oh, no! Don't be my lord now. Oh, my God.
Someone got run in sick! It was Jessica. Grant, no. I can't be silent any longer. Jessica was tweeting yesterday about vomiting. You were ill. Jessica, is this true?
No. Was it you? No. Did you get us sick? No. Did you get me sick? No. I did not.
I vomited because of a very intense workout. And then I vomited again because I was excited. And then I vomited a third time because I saw the first pile of vomit. I vomited literally all the time.
You probably weren't drinking enough water. Water doesn't fix everything.
Well, I don't know. If you'd read this article that I'd read, you might be quite convinced. Well, here's the thing, Siobhan. We're not going to read that article anyway.
You all seem to be forgetting that there's a monster here. A monster in our midst. A monster named Raph.
Me? Why, I didn't even come into the office yesterday. No, you weren't in the office, were you, Raph? And why was that? I took a personal day. Can't I take a personal day? You can take a personal day, Raph, but I have seen the personnel calendar, and I know for a fact you took a sick day. No!
Yes, it's right here, plain as paper.
Now, why would you lie about that? Why would you try to hide it? I'll tell you why. It's because you're guilty.
You got me sick. You got bread and sick.
Blammo. Blammo, I say to you. Case closed. Okay.
I took a sick day. Yeah, no. But I wasn't actually sick. I was hungover on Wednesday. Don't judge me. Well, I hope you drank plenty of fluids.
God damn it, Siobhan. If you bring up this water theory one more time, I'm going to lose it. Here's the sticky wicket of it all. Though if it wasn't Raph, I owe it. Who in the blazes was it? Who indeed? This is a most twisted case.
Not Brennan, who got sick in this very room. Not Raph or Grant or Jessica, whose ailments were not contagious.
Which can only mean... Hello. Slap my tit. It's Siobhan. Yeah. Yes. Thank you, Colonel. Wow.
What would I do without you? It can't be me. I've been drinking simply bucket loads of water. My God, Siobhan. There's no crime so low as getting another sick. No victim more undeserving than I. Didn't you kill Pat?
Allegedly. See, that's not what we wanted. Rumors. Rumors, rumors, rumors.
You know, if you want to talk to the cast and crew here, you can at the exclusive Dropout Discord. It's a great place for behind-the-scenes content. And if you like behind-the-scenes, check this out. |
TheOnion | Getting_Started_With_Onion_Social | The homepage will take you to a short form where you'll be prompted to provide your email, phone number, birth date, social security number, bank routing information, and STI test results. After you make a username and password, draw two vials of your blood, and you're ready to start connecting. After you log into oSocial, the site will automatically connect you to friends and family based off your geographic location and DNA sample.
The newsfeed is designed to be simple and intuitive. As you scroll through the feed, you can immediately engage with posts from other users through comments, likes, and the Docs button. At OnionSocial, we understand how difficult it can be to properly and effectively Docs users on other social media sites, and we want to make that task easy and simple.
This feature eliminates the countless hours spent unearthing home addresses, tax documents, and health records through search engines. With the Docs button, you can share the incriminating information of those you disagree with in a single click.
In the settings bar, you will find a user agreement, a contract that you already agree to by logging in. No worries.
It essentially says that oSocial is an autonomous space that honors free speech, open opinions, and unregulated discussion. Feel free to express your opinions without fear of being banned, censored, or reported. Obscenities, slurs, hate speech, questionable pornography, it's all subjective and welcome here.
OnionSocial fosters connections, not restrictions. While other sites look to profit from the content created by users and publications without reciprocation, we at OnionSocial believe you should be rewarded for the things you make and share. As a content creator, you can monetize your work by exchanging it for oBucks, a virtual unregulated currency you can use to buy essential items such as food, clothes, firearms, anything that is available in the OnionSocial marketplace. And remember, the more you post, the more you make. These are just some of the many features OnionSocial is using to make our world a more connected place. And with over 3 million users joining each day, everyone you know is probably already on the site. So don't miss out. Join OnionSocial today.
Users on other social media sites, and we want to make that task easy and simple. This feature eliminates the countless hours spent unearthing home addresses, tax documents, and health records through search engines. With the Docs button, you can share the incriminating information of those you disagree with in a single click.
In the settings bar, you will find a user agreement, a contract that you already agreed to by logging in. No worries.
It essentially says that oSocial is an autonomous space that honors free speech, open opinions, and unregulated discussion. Feel free to express your opinions without fear of being banned, censored, or reported. Obscenities, slurs, hate speech, questionable pornography, it's all subjective and welcome here.
OnionSocial fosters connections, not restrictions. While other sites look to profit from the content created by users and publications without reciprocation, we at OnionSocial believe you should be rewarded for the things you make and share. As a content creator, you can monetize your work by exchanging it for OBUX, a virtual unregulated currency you can use to buy essential items such as food, clothes, firearms, anything that is available in the OnionSocial Marketplace. And remember, the more you post, the more you make. These are just some of the many features OnionSocial is using to make our world a more connected place. And with over 3 million users joining each day, everyone you know is probably already on the site. So don't miss out. Join OnionSocial today. |
cracked | trump_university_students_finally_set_the_record_straight | Hey there America, you've probably been hearing some negative things about Trump University. But you're not getting the whole story from the liberal media. We would know. We're Trump University alumni. Go Orange Lions! And we're here to set the record straight. First of all, Trump University wasn't a scam. Trump University was a real university, and not just because it had university in the name.
It was an old elite program that taught me everything from real estate listings to tax laws or just a Google search away. Unlike other colleges which act as gatekeepers of knowledge the internet has made free. They also act like college has to cost an arm and a leg. It doesn't. Trump University kept my education costs under $36,000 by not wasting my money on frills. Or wasting my time with professors who have never negotiated an actual deal. Donald Trump eats deals for breakfast, and he taught me that entrepreneurial dealings require seed money. And that getting that seed money might mean getting on your phone and asking friends or family to get in on the action. Which gets them in on the ground floor of an incredible investment, because no investment pays dividends like a great education. And a great education, like what we got at Trump University, is the one thing you can't put a price on.
Hey! Wait a minute. Can I buy that watch off you? Yeah. Sure. I used to have one just like it.
Don't vote. |
TheOnion | New_GOP_Smartphone_App_Streamlines_Voter_Discrimination_In_Swing_States | You know, a new election means a new set of racist voting laws in battleground states causing long delays and chaos at the polls, but does it have to be so cumbersome? This year, the exciting new Vote Right app aims to help minorities avoid the hassle by stripping away their vote right in the palm of their hands. The Vote Right app is incredibly user-friendly. When you register, you first enter a set of personal information and take a photo of your skin. Vote Right immediately makes rash generalizations about you and shows you very detailed directions to your nearest polling station. And these are just some of Vote Right's intuitive new features. The app also includes text alerts about how Obama has already won, real-time updates on the bullshit red tape preventing you from registering, and even a video of a condescending white woman who will scream at you from the phone rather than in person at the polling station.
This isn't a food stamp line, sir. You need ID.
The app's developer says Vote Right could revolutionize the way Americans callously fuck over other Americans. You can order pizzas on your phone. You can check sports scores on your phone. Why can't elderly people and Hispanics be legally prevented from voting on their phone? Or iPad? Vote Right is already the most downloaded app on iTunes.
Technology is incredible these days, but it's clear that whoever designed this, I mean, they really, really hate black people. It's every day. My life is nonstop discrimination, and it's not just at the polls. It's at school. It's at work. This thing just discriminated against me, as I was saying that. Fuck this.
Well, thank you, Jason. Cutting edge stuff. Now, Jason, have you tried the app yourself? I haven't, but I've got it right here, so let's give it a shot.
Yes. So you boot it up, and you just start by taking a photo of your skin. There it is. And it autofills my race and party affiliation, and oh, there it goes. It looks like my vote's already been counted. Okay.
I wonder who you voted for. I'm sure I'll find out soon.
Well, thank you so much, Jason. Incredible technology.
The developers of Vote Right are also releasing an education app for minority students, putting the experience of violent, underfunded schools right at their fingertips. Coming up, Romney accused of buying endorsements after being named best SUV by J.D. Power & Associates. |
dropout | hardly_working_ouija_board | Hey Dan, it's Ouija time! Oh jeez, um, I don't know, Ouija boards always kind of freak me out.
Come on, it's totally harmless, don't be a poos. I'm not being a poos! Okay, look, I just don't want to get involved with that stuff.
Let's just see who can be the first to connect four checkers. Ugh, fine. You know, little known fact, the checkers were actually red and purple before Milton Bradley could- Oh my god, Dan!
What's happening? Hey, what is your name? Hey, I'm- I'm Sarah. What's- what's your name? My name is- That is so cute. That's actually my grandfather's name.
Yeah. So, like, what are you into? Listen, before we continue, I- I must warn you. I'm using your friend here as an earthly portal. Every minute that I remain in your world, his life force is drained rapidly. Wow, that is so poetic. Like, are you a writer, or- Are you dabble? I'm actually working on a collection of short stories about raping the souls of the weak. My god, I love short stories. We have so much in common.
So, what's hell look like, or whatever? The description alone would probably turn your heart into a, um, black hole.
Ow. Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay. I like dangerous guys. My last boyfriend had a Vespa. Oh. So, listen, this, um, this really isn't me, but- Do you want to get out of here? Yeah, let's, um, live a little. Hahaha. Alright, let's go. Okay. Oh, god. I'm alive. You cock block! |
cracked | the_6_most_blatant_lies_companies_based_entire_ads_on | same advertising lies sometimes if I eat as I used to my digestive system gets out of whack it's not easy keeping it working as it should it's easy if you enjoy an activity every day delicious with the exclusive probiotic bifidus regularis activity helps regulate your digestive system put a smile back in your day some people will like downloading stuff twice as fast some people will like finding their way twice as fast but pretty much everyone will like paying half the price every day is a mix of food drinks and physical activity but some days are more balanced than others so coke dr. pepper and Pepsi have joined forces to launch mixify spend a day on the couch go for something less just finished an afternoon of frisbee maybe you've earned a little more did you know one in three men will face prostate issues one in three really that's why one a day men's is a complete multivitamin with selenium which emerging research suggests can't help prostate health one a day men's run for the coffee grab a soda but how long does that last before you're back for more try this instead take one five-hour energy then see what the rest your day feels like sure won't feel like 230 anymore or 330 five-hour energy hours of energy now no 230 feeling later new Duracell ultra the concentrated power force to get more life out of your high-tech devices new Duracell ultra more power more life experience Duracell quantum the number one most advanced alkaline battery with the exclusive probiotic bifidus regularis activity helps regulate your digestive system put a smile back in your day |
cracked | why_the_neverending_story_is_actually_buddhist_propaganda_today_s_topic | Are you not eating? Today is my fast day. I'm on cron. Cron.
Haha. Sounds like a dragon. Like, foul core. Actually, it's...
Do you know the never ending story? Of course. The never ending story is a great example of the Noble Eightfold Path. You're thinking of Kill Bill and the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique? No, from Buddhism, Dharma, the cessation of suffering through the surrender of attachment and delusion. Let me with it then. How is Atreyu like the Buddha?
Actually, the main character in the book is the normal human boy, Bastion Balthazar Bux. Is that his name for real? Hell, that's dumb. The point is that Bastion's the main character and he goes to Fontagion, a world that is fantasy made up of the imaginations of readers worldwide.
So Bastion is the Buddha. No one is the Buddha, okay? Bastion represents the typical human lost in a struggle of madness and delusion and destined for a downward spiral of suffering, pain and despair. But you and me, like every man. Buddhism is about enlightenment and enlightenment is about attaining on a gut level the understanding that everything in life is temporary and therefore not to be a subject of suffering.
I'm just kidding. I'm not taking notes. Bastion is not even facing his present conditions to seek happiness and fantasy.
Buddhism is saying that kids shouldn't imagine... When it leads to insanity, yeah. I mean, the kid spends a whole day reading a book in an attic and then yells moon child out a window into a storm. That is bananas. He's not doing it for nothing because he's doing it to save the childlike princess. She has dream aids. Oh, there's another clue, childlike, naive, empress, fantasy.
Buddhism is all about finding humility. The queen of Fontagion is literally the opposite of that. It almost seems intentional. I know, the whole thing is chock full of Buddhist symbols. Like that stone giant with the big strong hands just perfect to holding onto things but he can't and so he suffers because of his attachment. Buddhism.
This is the never ending story right now. I'm in it now and it's never going to end.
Oh, and then look at the effects of Fontagion on Bastion. It is a clean slide from clarity and wisdom to total delusion, madness, pain, and suffering.
Is it really me?
But not more painful than nothing. I mean, I would rather have Atreyu in Fantasia than nothing. Really in Buddhism, nothing represents calm and inner peace. It's not until you have nothing that you can let truth blossom.
Like how that wolf is so scary as a child. But when you watch the movie now, it's obviously just a bunch of wire hangers with rags on it. But you're forgetting one thing. None of this really matters because at the end of the movie, Falkor comes into the real world and scares off those bully children. So Fantasia wasn't fantasy. It was reality.
Right, which is just crazy. Really?
Now I choose to believe that the end of the movie represents Bastion's complete disconnect from reality. He's probably still up in that addict just reading a book and rubbing feces all over his body. I've seen the movie a bunch of times. Oh, you've only seen the movie. I'm sorry. I just assumed you were familiar with the German novel Die Unenlich Geschichte. So you're saying that at the end of the book, Falkor still scares off those bully children? No, that part was from the movie.
So you're mixing and matching. That still stands.
At the end of the book, he falls into an illusion and goes insane. At the end of the movie, either he loses touch with reality or reality rips itself a new butthole and a big floppy muppet flies out and traumatizes some kids.
You decide. Alright, sure. Truth is a vibration, man. It is what it is now, but also what it is now, you know? It's what you make of it. Oh, okay. I get it. You're crazy. Mmm, child! Alright. Crack has told me that I can't bully you into subscribing, so this is Sorin Buoy saying I'm sorry.
Hey! Nerd! |
dropout | weird_al_yankovic_on_a_boat_and_the_band_played_on | Men, we're not more than an hour above water. I suggest you find yourself seats on a lifeboat. We've decided to play on until the end. Perhaps our music can provide some peace in these passengers' final hours. Remarkable. Play on, men.
No hope is left of being saved. The ICC will be our grave. Pain and death await us all.
Hey! I wonder why it feels like the Drowned. Okay, hey, hey, hey, perhaps you gentlemen should find a seat on the lifeboat after all. No, no, no, no, no. We've accepted our fate.
Perhaps our music can provide some... Some peace, yes. I got that. Do you think that you could provide some peace with something a little less dark, perhaps? Ah! A happy tune! I like that new Jazima Taz that's been sweeping the American South. Yes, exactly. Some of that Jazima... is that a thing? Whatever, that'd be fine.
How many lifeboats are left now? No! I said how many lifeboats are left now? Not at all!
Well, maybe there's one left, maybe just one more. And if you're trying to fool the others, then the lifeboat could be yours. Maybe there's one left, maybe just one more. Throw the youngster overboard and the lifeboat could be yours.
Hey! Stop nodding! Why are you nodding?
What's wrong? What is with those lyrics?
Hey, I'll have you know that no lifeboats left is one of our biggest hits. Do you mean you've already had these written? Of course! I wrote that about the same time that I wrote, um, Survival as a Statistical Impossibility. Oh, and Deep Sea Crabs will eat your face. I will not hesitate to shoot you for that life jacket! Is another favorite.
The passengers are terrified. As they should be, after all. Their lungs will soon be filled with briny water and probably some fecal matter from the terrified swimmies in the sea who pooped their pants.
Don't tell me that's one of your biggest hits, too. No, actually, we're just kind of riffing there. Let's do it again louder!
Gentlemen!
The ship is going down. These passengers need something to give them courage, not morbid tunes about lobsters eating our bodies. Actually, it's crabs. And it's just eating the face part, you know, ears, nose, eyeballs.
And the captain is right. Let's play a tune that will fill this entire deck with the same strength and resolve that he has shown.
We won't fear the sea, but think instead of our brave captain who welcomes death. When that iceberg first appeared, he did not turn, he did not steer. A lot of people warned him about taking a ship out without enough lifeboats. But apparently, he would not be scared away.
Aw, he's so brave, our captain's brave. Yes, he's so brave, he's so our ship! |
cracked | nov_26th_news_on_cracked | It's Monday, November 26th, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and you probably have better things to do with your time. The FDA is demanding that warnings be added to flu drugs for kids after 25 children have died from neurological problems, such as throwing themselves out of windows. The drugs in question include Tamiflu, Relenza, and Go Kill Yourself and all. At least three people died and scores others were injured after a charter bus collided with a tractor trailer on I-40 east of Forest City, Arkansas last night, in what authorities are calling the most exciting Arkansas bus tour we've had in years.
The writers and producers go back to the negotiation table today and the WGA strike that has most of Hollywood shut down. The strike, of course, has put thousands of Americans out of work, and worse yet, has forced many of us looking for entertainment to turn to content like this. We don't wish that on anybody. The other entertainment industry strike, the Broadway stagehand, continues to leave nearly every major theater in New York shut down. A representative for Broadway told Cracked, We just want a resolution, we just want a strike conclusion, we're tired of all the confusion of the beginning and the strife, we all want an agreement, but it seems harder than cement, for us to let bands see what with their mistress or their wife, oh let's end the strike on Broadway, let's end the strike not the hard way, let's end the strike today. The stagehands had no comment.
A Russian judge sentenced chess champion Gary Kasparov to five days in jail yesterday after Kasparov's role in a pro-democracy rally earlier in the week. Kasparov told reporters, I am not a rook. Then he said, I really just had to get that off my chest. He added, jail time will certainly give me a few moments to ponder my existence. He was then shot mercilessly and repeatedly as part of Russia's state-sponsored cruel and unusual punishment. We regret all of that.
Jerry Seinfeld traveled to Israel over the weekend to promote his animated feature, B-movie. Seinfeld's a Jew lover, I never saw that coming. Some had assumed that Seinfeld wouldn't venture into a few Palestinian-controlled areas, but Jerry said in a statement, are you kidding me?
I'd use part of my mother's tombstone to promote this movie. But you know the rest. After weeks of reruns thanks to that aforementioned WGA writer strike, NBC is digging deep into the vault for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. They're going to show five vintage episodes featuring the first appearances on the show of megastars like Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. If the writer strike continues, we here at the News on Cracked may need to resort to the same trick. The drugs in question include Tamiflu, Relenza and Go Kill Yourself and All. That's it for the News on Cracked. Tune in again tomorrow, or just watch this video again and again and again. |
TheOnion | Jennifer_Love_Hewitt_Pays_Magazine_Millions_To_Run_Baby_Pics | Us Weekly really did not want these photos. I guess not. Apparently, there was quite a scramble among the tabloids to not print them.
That's exactly right, Michael. OK Magazine, In Touch Star, insiders say they really didn't want to waste valuable page space on such an uninteresting celebrity, much less the baby I guess she had. Yeah, but when she's willing to pay such a huge amount to have them published, what do they do? Right, plus sources at Us Weekly say in addition to this money, Hewitt also agreed to take all the pictures herself so their photographers wouldn't have to waste time on such a pointless assignment. Right. She wrote the accompanying article herself and provided the ink used to print it. But what does Us Weekly get out of this? Well, they did a cost analysis that showed the amount Hewitt is paying them is higher than the amount they'll lose in newsstand sales when thousands of readers refuse to buy the issue after seeing her and her baby on the cover.
OK, so it's profitable, but this Hollywood trend of B and C-list celebrities going to any lengths to have the public pay attention to them, it seems to me it's just getting out of control. It really is an issue. Just last month, Kim Kardashian almost ran a car full of paparazzi off the road while chasing them in hopes that they would take photos of her. And we also heard about the National Enquirer reporter who had to take out a restraining order against Tori Spelling to get her to stop hanging out around this house. Yes, and of course there was that paparazzi who punched Tara Reid in the face after she got too aggressive in harassing him to take photos of her.
Yeah, we got to draw a line here. OK, Carrie Lee in Hollywood, thank you so much. Coming up, the International Council of Landmines has warned all Africans to stop moving. |
SaturdayNightLive | spade_in_america_teri_hatcher_saturday_night_live | Ladies and Gentlemen, Spade in America with David Spade. I'm David Spade, or at least I will be for the next five minutes. Just go with me here on this premise. we're trying to keep this segment alive. Sorry my piece was so late in the show, but of course, update ran long again. Okay, Norm. Mary and Barry smokes Crack. we get it.
This week, I thought I'd spend my time interviewing the lovely and talented Miss Terry Snatcher. I mean, Hatcher. Whoops, Typo. you do know Terry Hatcher, don't you? she's number One.
Terry, get out here. Yee-hee. Oh, hi. David, it's so nice to see you here. it's going to be really fun. you look great. is this jacket cotton? Easy, Terry. what?
I mean, the fabrics. I'm a girl. what's the problem? And this must be felt. Terry, please. what? it's a fabric. I'm intrigued by fashion. I took a class in college.
Anywho, now Terry, you're on that hit show, Lois and Clark. how'd you wind up with that part? it was really a hit show. Well, David, I'm glad you asked that. my agent told me that there was a great part for a semi-good looking girl who can yell help a different way every week. Well, I've seen the show and it's obviously a high quality program done by skilled professionals, so I'm sure that it requires a lot more talent than that. Not really, no. but the show's starting to bore me, you know, because I'm really good. And so I want to do movies now. Oh, yeah. well, you know, I did a movie called Black Sheep. maybe you saw it the first time when it was called Tommy Boy. Yes, I did see that. you were great, David. I mean, you are very sexy on screen. sometimes I rent it late at night and then I think naughty thoughts about you.
There is no way that you, Terry Hatcher, would find me, David Spade, remotely attractive. remotely. Plus, I'm into guys. hey, hey. Oh, that's not true. Plus, no, no, Spade, you're a total catch. a lot of my hot chick friends think so, too. you're a babe.
Well, thanks, you know, because it does take me a lot of effort to look good. I come in here two hours before each show so the hair people can make me look like Lisa Kudrow. Lisa Kudrow? Well, I didn't know people thought your hair looked like Lisa Kudrow. they do.
Well, you know, Tom Arnold was right. maybe talking isn't my best thing. which isn't really bad, you know, because he's a talented guy. he's got some good theories. You know, Terry, this piece isn't really going the way I expected it to. but nothing I've done this year has been funny. Okay, that one's not fair. Oh. oh, really? And that remark about Tom Arnold. and what are those? are those boobs? you look like a cartoon.
Yeah, but this is a compliment. this is how I picture you in my mind when I think about you. Well, that's really interesting because I put about a half a pack of certs in my front pocket because that's how I picture you.
Terry, we better wrap this up because I've got to go sell out and do some more phone commercials. was that right? Well, David, I have to go do a photoshoot with my Sharpay for Instyle Magazine. And then I have to go put another nude photo of myself on the internet. So I better run. next week. |
cracked | introducing_linkedinfinite | Hello, Internet. I'm Ryan Roslanowski, CEO of LinkedIn. Recently, the Internet's been a pure bloodbath with Elon Musk's institution of the tweet limit, restricting unverified Twitter users to less than 600 tweets read per day. That's insane. I usually read about 10,000, right? So here at LinkedIn, we promised to do the opposite with LinkedInfinite. LinkedInfinite forces you to stay on LinkedIn for a very long time, much longer than you're comfortable with, through digital hypnosis.
Stare at tomato pendulum. Keep staring at tomato pendulum.
When I snap my fingers, you're going to endorse all 860 of your connections for Microsoft Office Suite. You're going to make an inspiring post. You're going to stay on LinkedIn for a while, as well as other, less complicated forms of manipulation. Your profile's being read by, like, a ton of hotties right now. Don't log off. So have no fear, corporate socialites. You can now be on LinkedIn all day and learn about college acquaintance getting their new job at company. LinkedIn fan. Stay honest forever. |
dropout | josh_s_mindhouse_magic_powers | Josh's mind bells. Please, Josh, what the hell? Sarah, Sarah, it's me, Josh. Yeah, I know, I just said that.
Is anyone following you? What? No, no one's following me? What's wrong with you?
Sarah, this is going to sound crazy, but just hear me out, okay? You're the only one I can trust. I think I have magical powers. Oh, come on. What? I know. Just hear me out, okay?
Look, it says so right here in this book of magic. People that have magic powers. Josh, uh-oh. He's a bad-ass warlock. Yeah, that's in Krayon.
You've got to be kidding me. Sarah, do you have any idea what's going to happen when the world finds out that a real warlock exists? Do you have any idea? They're going to take me in and take advantage of me and use me for science and cut me into a thousand magical little pieces.
I can't trust anybody. You understand? I can't trust anybody. Except for you. You're the only one I've ever been able to trust.
Hey, you see that guy outside? Mm-hmm. I can turn him into a woman with a snap of my fingers.
No, you can't. Yeah, I can't. Oh, my God.
You're right. Josh, don't worry, okay? Everything's going to be all right. Hey! Who'll I give?
Oh, my God.
She's a witch.
I'm a frog. Oh, my God! |
dropout | ch_does_the_purge_full_version | Thank you all for attending this mandatory team-building session. This year, instead of Trust Falls, we're making you all do The Purge! Whaaaat? Well, don't just stand there, go Purge, doesn't that look like fun?
Yeah, okay, but so, old crime is legal, I guess. Well, you can't harm any high-level government employee, but that probably won't affect you. Isn't there something illegal that you always wanted to do? Well, I guess I've always wanted to steal a car.
Great, great, well go do that then. But then tomorrow, do I have to go to the DMV to get it registered? Oh shit, that's a good question. Yes, I guess technically you would have to register it.
What about proof of insurance? Yeah, do that too, but the theft is legal. Do I have to prove I stole it during The Purge, or will they just assume? Like, what if I stole a car yesterday?
Hypothetically. Just go kill someone. Oh, thank you for bringing up murder. Now, hypothetically, if I wanted to kill Grant, right, and I stab him, stab him, just before The Purge ends, but he doesn't die until after The Purge is over, does that count?
Is that okay? Uh, yeah, yeah, that's fine.
What if it's a gun? What if I fire it, like, right as it ends, the bullet? You're all overthinking this. Let's just deal with these situations if and when they come up, huh?
So, I have a question, cocaine, is that legal? Yes, yes, cocaine is legal.
Oh, cool, so I won't get an addiction. Oh, that's gun 3-3. Actually, that's not how drugs work. You know what, this isn't a freshman ethics class.
It's The Fucking Purge. If The Purge only happens in America, does that include territories like Guam and Puerto Rico?
Yeah, what's up with that? I don't know, sure. Follow up. Guam is over the international date line, right?
So does that mean they had a Purge yesterday? It's pronounced Purge.
What am I saying? What about Canada? That's basically America. No, no it's not. I'm bad at geography, you know, it's this shoddy American education system, or should I say Canadian education system? No. But I can still Purge though, right, even though I'm not an American citizen? Weirdly, yes. Oh, I have a question. I have a question.
No, you go ahead. Oh, no. Okay, what if... Ah! Okay, this time I'm not gonna say anything. You go, please. What if... Okay, I guess I'll go.
Are the unforgivable curses from Harry Potter, okay? They might own a ferret, they're usually illegal in California. And if I marry multiple people during the Purge, do I get to stay married after?
I just love love. Aww.
Okay, everyone, just do whatever you want for the next 12 hours and don't worry about the illegal minutia. Ooh, what's going on at the International Space Station? Oh, god. Because that's partly owned by the U.S., so does that mean just part of it is purging? It's actually called purging. Astronauts are high-level government employees, do you ever think of that, you fucking moron? So the Purge isn't happening on the space station?
You know, I could have been an astronaut if it weren't for my shoddy Canadian education. Canada is not part of America, all right?
What is wrong with you people? Act on any dark impulse in your little twisted hearts, okay? Kill each other for all I care. Go Purge!
Okay. No! Those are trademarks. You can't use those.
I'm sorry. I just think that... I mean, that's why we were awesome. I'm sorry.
Okay, well, that should keep those maniacs out. Shrap, I feel like a machete's a little much. Cynthia, I'm a master of edged weapons.
Goddammit, Shavon. God, Grant, what are you doing?
Whatever I want. And today no one can stop me.
I'm gonna eat your lunch. What? Purge, baby. This is how you're purging.
I can do whatever I want today and no one can judge me for it. It's not illegal to eat Shavon's lunch. And we can all still judge you, which we definitely are. You don't have to wait until the Purge is technically fine. Is it technically fine to drink expired milk?
Oh, God. I mean, yes?
Oh, fuck the USDA. Those laws aren't for you. They're for farmers.
This isn't purging. I can't hear you. I'm smoking cigarettes inside. It's not illegal to smoke inside. It's just against company policy, which I think is still in place. It doesn't affect your hearing. Hearing.
Don't do that.
Stop it.
This is sexist. It just makes you a fucking douchebag.
I can't hear you. I'm going to fuck this cantaloupe. You keep saying you can't hear us, but wait, what?
I'm going to fuck this melon. No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to do it. No, Grunt, please. I'm going to fuck this melon. It's not illegal, but it's still horrifying. I'm going to fuck a melon. Don't you fuck that melon. Greg, do not fuck that melon. Don't fuck it. Swear to fucking God, you're dead to me. I'm not a good hole in this cantaloupe for my penis. Do this in the bathroom. Oh, God, don't spit on it. God damn it. Put it down. You go to hell for this. This melon's about to get fucked by yours truly. It was used to tickle. I will shoot it up. I'll fuck this melon.
You're dead. Grunt, please. Straighten up, I don't know. No. Oh, my God, Zach. Thank you so much.
I guess you could say I'm a master of edge weapons. Edge weapons, right. Yeah, and me too. I'm also a master of edged weapons.
Trap. This is bad. What are we going to do? All right. Oh, free officer brigade. Oh, sick.
Perg.
Back. Sorry.
We're just... We're just writing stuff down.
I'm not going to hurt you. Oh, God. But I don't know if I'm going to save you either. What a choice. Okay, well, that's fine. No. I can't just leave these two pathetic people to die. All right, I'll save you. But we need to move. Now. If you don't want to save us, you don't have to. Yeah, it's fine. Really? What's your plan? You going to comic write your way out of this, huh? All right, fine. It seems like a lot of people would have just left you guys.
So, I don't know. Maybe you could... I don't know.
What do you want us to say? Thank you. All right, we don't have time for that. Let's move. Now! We've got to make it to the seventh floor. There's a safe haven in the southwest corner. Fuck off and die, pig. Super! Did you guys have done that?
I don't think so. No, probably not.
You got any compliments for me? Anything you want to lay on me? Nothing?
I'll save it for later. Save it for when I get you out of this alive. Okay. I was just thinking about how bad I just saved you guys back there. I was like, dah! Didn't panic.
I bet you're wondering how many times I've purged. How many times?
I don't want to talk about it.
Anyway, super safe up there. Doors automatically lock. You guys will feel pretty secure. I'd be feeling that right now if I were on my own.
Okay. What do you want us to say? Yeah, man. I feel like you want us to be way more thankful to you than we actually need to be. Like, you found us. Shh! Shut your faces. Did you hear that? Guys! There's free options! Good night, bitch boy, Roy. You're welcome. Jesus Christ, dude! That was our friend!
This whole thing is fucked! Don't you guys see how fucked all this is?
You're going to lose friends along the way! I'm sorry! I bet this guy wouldn't blame you, though. He's going to blame you! You're the one who killed him! He just killed me.
Okay. That's the story we want to go with so you guys feel better about what happened. Fine. I'll take one for the team. Anyway, I was just remembering earlier about how that guy jumped out and tried to fucking kill you and I stopped him from doing it. God, I feel like I'm out here kicking ass and you guys don't even fucking care! Okay, yeah. I think we're just going to go out in our own... Yeah, you're kind of a loose cannon, so... Alright. Let's see how far you little dipshits get without me, then. Alright, bye. See ya.
Doesn't even know what he's doing now. What are you doing? Are you following us?
You guys are a couple of fucking shitheads and you need to listen up. I'm tired of playing Mr. Nice Guy Patty Cake Give the Dog a Bone because I'm the only thing that's keeping you guys alive, you understand me? So from now on, what I say goes.
You ever seen one of those before? A gun?
You guys are smarter than you look, that surprised me. Skinny looks stupid and Blondie looks even stupider.
Here's a tip. Point that end at what you want to die and squeeze the trigger until it clicks.
Capiche? Yes.
I gotta get your fucking skinny no good asses upstairs to the seventh floor before the real bad boys come out to play. And let me tell you something about these guys. They can smell a pussy from a mile away and you two, pardon me, are the biggest candy ass pussies to ever want.
God's green earth.
Let's go. Ooh, I bet there's other office supplies on the floors. Nice. Pa, pa, pa, perch, perch, perch, perch is the word. Cynthia. Hey girl. I'm perching to the very last second. Me too.
Huh? No! What the fuck, Katie? God, no! Crazy bitch!
And this concludes the annual purge. Have a wonderful day.
Um, Katie? Yeah, what's up? What was that? What was what?
You're trying to kill me! It was the purge. That's what you're supposed to do. When you bashed my leg and stabbed me in the stomach, that really hurt my feelings. Well, I don't know what you want me to say, okay? That's just how it's done. You're just being really sensitive. I just can't believe you would do that to me. That's so awkward. Confronting someone about their purge actions is like asking someone while they unfriend at you on Facebook. Well, I just failed my trade. Okay, this is gonna sound bad, but maybe you're just mad because I know how to purge better than you.
Ugh, whatever, let's just drop it. Can I just get some water? Of course. Hey, maybe we could plan that road trip we've been talking about, you know? Maybe we can finally get around to that.
I can't. I'm busy.
Forever? Let me check. Yup, forever.
You're still mad? How are you still mad?
Because it just fucking happened! Ow! You know, you're not completely innocent here, okay?
I saw you spray painting. Why was spray painting find your light?
That's still super illegal, okay? You would go to jail if this were not the purge.
Wow, okay, I guess I'll be the one to call my own ambulance. I'll do it, okay? I'm a good friend. Hi, I have my friend here who is stabbed. By you?
And she needs an ambulance, yeah. Okay, thank you. They said the wait time for an ambulance is 90 days.
I think it might have something to do with the purge. Yeah, of course it has to do with the purge.
And now I'm gonna die because of you! No! Don't touch me, murderer!
I'm not trying to purge you now, okay? I purged you during the purge when you're supposed to be purging. I can't believe you won't say sorry. I shouldn't have to. It was the purge.
Why are you not understanding this? Oh, god damn it. Where are you going? Cynthia, you should not be walking. Aw, man.
I feel really guilty for some reason. Don't feel guilty!
It's the purge! |
SaturdayNightLive | dog_show_saturday_night_live | Coming up next on Animal Final, Dog Show. Sposse Dogs. Sposse Dogs in Quiet. Hello, and welcome to Dog Show. This is a show for people. about dogs. starring one dog. and one dirty dog.
That's right. that's me. I'm Miss Colleen, and I like her dogs. And I'm David Larry, And I like dogs. As usual, I'm sitting next to my special dog friend, Mr. Bojangles, who is actually a girl. but I gave her a boy's name, because I'm playing a trick on her.
And I am joined by my co-captain, Mr. Rocky Balboa. And Rocky is featuring a cape today because he likes to do a magic. And now it's time for letter of the day. Mr. Bojangles, Not now. This one comes from Miss Blanche Richmond of Cleveland, Ohio. she also included a small oil painting of her papillon, Lord Pistachio. Mr. Bojangles, you stay there. she writes, she writes, Dear Miss Colleen, David Larry, Mr. Bojangles, Mr. Rocky Balboa. You two seem to have great chemistry. how do you do it? Well, for those of you who don't know, Mr. David Larry is my best friend, my husband, and my housekeeper.
And I don't like most people. And I don't like talking to people.
Ah, And Mr. Bojangles is really a girl. Mr. Bojangles is really a girl.
Mr. David Larry, maybe you're really a girl. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm an elegant lady in a grand ball gown with little white gloves and lipstick. maybe you are. And maybe I'm still in love with you.
But I still don't like most people. for example, I don't like my mother, because she's too bossy. And I don't like pushy little Japanese-american girls with identity problems who try to act sexy. But I do like. And I like Miss Colleen.
And I like our first guest. here to talk to us about his dog, Nacho, his dog show correspondent, Mr. William Alexander. William. thank you very much. my dog, Nacho, is really a delight. I like to feed nacho pieces of raw hamburger out of my mouth. I bathe Nacho in an old silver bowl. and every Sunday at your Dog Church, we listen to music. I like Rosemary Clooney, but Nacho loves Lena Horne. Quick, sing a song about Nacho off the top of your head. Well, that's easy. I love Nacho Bunches. Nacho, your head is full of dreams. Nacho, I like it when you smile and show your pointy teeth. Nacho, Nacho, I like to hold your little body and feel your heart. Go beep, beep, beep. Hey, Nacho, go to sleep. someone in this room has a heck of a lot of talent. And that someone is Mr. Rocky Balboa. Well, that's all the time we have today on. Nacho! |
SaturdayNightLive | showtime_saturday_night_live | It's official, Showtime is the home for Women with secrets. women like Mary Louise Parker in Weeds. Ideal Weed, Don't tell anyone, it's a secret, whatever. Edie Falco in Nurse Jackie. I'm a nurse and I take pills, so what? it's my secret and it's none of your business. Laura Linney in The Big C. I have cancer and I can't tell anyone because it's a secret. And now, this fall, Showtime presents a new show about a woman with the biggest secret yet. my name's Amber, I got Hepatitis B, a mad case of bed bugs, and I'm rocking one leg. But nobody knows, because that's my secret, bitch.
Amy Poehler stars in The Lean Years. Amber is this amazing, complicated character with a secret. she only has one leg. Oh, words to describe Amber. complicated, vulnerable, wobbly. There are some scenes with my co-star, Stanley Tucci, that people are going to watch and say, whoa, what? how? her?
Yes. take a seat. I'd rather stand. I have two legs, so it's super easy. as you like?
No, before we get started, you should know that I have a secret. you only have one leg. how did you know? Because I looked at your legs and I counted to one. Well, guess what, Brainiac? I got another secret. I just farted. Secrets Out, jealous.
And the title, the Lean Years, refers both to the tough time that Amber's going through, as well as the fact that she leans on stuff a lot. I've always thought that the best titles mean two things. yo, is this a place where people get money for their blood? Yes, this is the Blood Bank. good, because it's about time I get paid for my fluids. Ok. it's better than Ok. it's great. fine. it's better than fine. it's great. you just said that. I say everything twice, because I got two legs. great. What type of blood are you? Triple X. Woo, woo. Oh, boy. we picked the title, The Lean Years, over a lot of other great titles. One Leg To Live, One Shoe Diaries, The L Word, Parentheses, Leg, Ihop, The International House of Party, The Tipping Point, Hop, Skip and A Dump, Glee, and Farts and Recreation. it's a really good show. Hello, Foot Locker. you sell shoes in pairs. good, because I'm going to need both. Pfft. The Lean Years, only on show. |
dropout | Don_t_Laugh_News_Challenge_Teen_Heart_Throb_Helen_Mirren | Hi, I'm Long John Jovi, the San Francisco Dream.
There are 10 full episodes of Breaking News that will only be available on Dropout.tv. Start your free trial today, and from all of us here, have a very merry Swissmas. From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News. On the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh, I'm Doug Smuggles.
And I'm Tilikum the whale from Blackfish. Tonight, the New York Philharmonic is playing a special concert with noted composer Beans Beans, the musical fruit.
That's right. Teen heartthrob Helen Mirren is shacking up with the owls of Ga-hooly. It's a power couple fans have named Hel-hooly. Talk about a who's who of Ga-hooly. I will. If you hear a hoo, hoo, hoo, don't be deceived. That's not a baha, man. That's Hel-hooly, baby.
What a couple they are. One is America's sweetheart. The other is Helen Mirren.
Together they're a swirling mass of feathers in absolute class that won't stop shrieking. It's sure keeping me awake. Mirren met with the screeching night birds of her hometown of Ga-hooly. Since then, the two have been spitting out dozens of new projects and masses of indigestible fur and bones.
Crunch, crunch. That's something a fourth grader would love to dissect for a crappy science project. Are you telling me? I mean, what are they even testing? You heard it here first, folks.
Our pellets of Ga-hooly aren't science. Well, at this point we've said Ga-hooly so much that it's lost all meaning.
So it's time to toss it on over to our eye in the sky, the king of ding, the master of plaster, Dildo Baggins, who will be reporting on sports for some reason today. Dildo? Thanks, Tilikum the whale from Blackfish. Well, the Philly fanatic is being replaced by the Philly fundamentalist. He had this to say. Honk, honk.
Honk, honk. Praise Adubel, Herrera, our savior. Honk, honk. Powerful stuff. Indeed.
In other news, the L.A. Lakers suffered a loss against the Denver Broncos because they were playing two different sports. Many lives were lost. Something happened to NASCAR, but who gives a ****? Good news for people who like bad movies, there's a sequel coming to the 1994 movie Little Giants called Little Patriots. It's about a football team of misfit kids who find victory through constant, constant cheating.
And get ready for the XPGA, an extreme golf league. No matter what you like, you're guaranteed to hate extreme golf.
That's it for the sport report. I'm Dildo Baggins, bagging dildos since 1942. That's experience I can trust.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but we're now getting word of breaking news developing in the world of yesterday. For more on this, we turn to our reporter in the field, Billabong Thornton. Billabong, what's going on down there?
The year is 1847. America has just won its war against the sea.
A strange new music called ska, but it's good, is sweeping the nation. And everywhere, people are doing a dance called the jazzy taint. It's a disaster. People just won't stop doing this dance.
A pretty little number that I'm gonna explain. Take your right foot and step to the left. Take your left foot and step to the right.
Take your taint and add some jazz. That's catchy. Can I see? I can see how that took over the country. Yes, it's funky but fresh, cruel but sensual. Indeed. Well, keep us informed with any updates. Before we go, we should tell you that this week's loser is Grant. What a chump. That sounds right. I tell you, before we actually dump out, I'd love to see a little bit of the jazzy taint getting done.
Take your right foot and step to the left. Take your left foot and you step to the right.
Then you tell your taint to do some jazz. My taint won't dance.
And now for the weather. If you're a fan of breaking news, the forecast is bright and sunny because there are 10 episodes of Breaking News that will only be available on Dropout.tv. Go to Dropout.tv today and don't forget your sunscreen. |
cracked | rrr_review_ft_will_stephen_aka_dance_dance_rrrevolution | I feel like that didn't work in the way that I was hoping it would work, but it never does. So welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies, which are like books, but better.
I'm your host, Jordan Breeding. And I'm joined by only one co-host again, because I'm the only one who cares about the stupid show, which is Jesse Iseman. Jesse, say hello. Hi, I care about the show.
Yeah, you do. And we have a guest this week, Will Stephen, writer for SNL and bit player in a thing that you maybe saw that he will inorganically reference at some point. So just stick around for that. Inorganically later. Yeah. He was in RRR. Look out, look out. I'm in the background, I'm in the English scene. Yeah.
One of the guards beating a child in the back.
I'm just gonna, I'm gonna lay this out up front because I often forget to say it, but we are gonna be taking people's comments, questions, concerns, alternate titles for this movie. If you can think of what the three RR, well, the three Rs, which subsequently make RRR. Did you know, fun fact off the top about that, the reason he titled it RRR is so that it could work in any language. And then he, they had an open fan submission. They're like, what do you want it to be in India? They're like, you know, I think it's like rise, revolt, roar or something. I know that's not actually correct. But anyway, so we can all come up with our own RRR titles and we'll talk about it at the end. So if you have anything, throw in the chat, Brian will grab it, give it to us and you know, maybe we'll talk about it. Maybe you'll get lucky. Jesse, what did we watch if I didn't already reveal it? Yeah, I guess the first question is how do you pronounce the movie?
Is it RRR? Is it triple R? Like triple R?
Is it supposed to a growl? Like a roar. Yeah, just roar.
Yeah. Yeah, man, we watched RRR, which is the story of a man whose boss makes him spank his best friend to death. That's it. Or attempt to. And then, yeah. Yeah.
Well, so in reality, this is a fake story, but about two real guys. They were Indian revolutionaries fighting back against the British Empire as they were sort of encroaching on all these various tribes throughout India. I'm pretty sure they never actually interacted, but they were both fighting around the same time. They had their biographies like have these weird parallels and particularly they both sort of went into hiding for a stretch of years. And so the movie is about what if they were both in hiding at the same time and they actually ended up hanging out, becoming like absolute best friends, like Judd Apatow level, like bromance kind of stuff.
It's fan fiction. It's what if these two were buds?
That's exactly it, yeah. That is literally what this movie is. That's why they're so jacked.
It's just straight fan fiction. It's violent fan fiction. Fan fiction is back. I'm just gonna say it. Fan fiction is back.
And it's a rising art form. I think more people should take it seriously. And I think this movie proves that. Amen.
Well, what was it? Was it Twilight fan fiction of a different franchise? I always forget. 50 Shades of Grey is Twilight fan fiction. Exactly, there you go.
That she changed the names of. Yeah, she's like, it's no longer everywhere. I guess she had to get rid of their powers or whatever.
So I look forward to the absolute hyper sexualized like movie that takes place in this universe. Cause yeah, those guys are jacked. They're dancing. It wouldn't be hard to get there. I'll tell you that much. They're walking a line. It was a pretty, yeah. I'm 90% there already, yeah. It was a stimulating film, for sure. Yeah, I would love to rewrite this movie with white protagonists for once.
You know what I mean? Like just really really.
And that's our podcast folks. There we go. I think we reached the end of the discussion. End of season one.
No, no. I'm just saying that that's like, that's how fan fiction goes sometimes. This will probably get remade though. This is the most, we just lost like 20 viewers.
This movie is the most expensive Indian movie ever made. And the reason we watched it, which is what I was supposed to say, thank you Brian for pulling that up, is again, this is another shameless attempt to be cool. To watch the movies that the kids are watching. This is like a top 10 Netflix movie at the moment. It's one of the top 10.
Yeah, Twitter people talk about it. And so I wanted to talk about it. And so this is what we're doing. Teens and tweens just love to fight imperialism. They absolutely do. And I got a bunch of different things that I feel like I wanna talk about.
But my first thought, I wanna get your all's thoughts on this, is I think this is how Netflix wins. Gets back on top, if you will. I think the thing that Netflix seems to have that most of the other streaming services do not have is access to really good foreign content.
Whether that's something that they're making. I don't think they, they didn't make this or anything.
They just got the syndication for it. But like Squid Game is a great example of this. Smaller things like Dark, obviously this movie. I just think they should be leaning into that rather than like their own superhero shows that are not as good or not as funny or not as interesting and just look low budget. Or their own James Bond spy movies and shows. They should just be soliciting the great Korean stuff, the great Norwegian stuff, the great freaking Indian stuff. And just lean into that and be like, because not only does that let you build a more global audience anyway, because you're quite literally pulling in audiences from other places in the world.
I, unless I'm totally mistaken, I'm not aware that anybody else really has access. Like Disney doesn't really, they have to do it themselves. They're like, oh, it's like Moana, but it's not made in the Polynesian islands or wherever.
Power Mount Plus has Rugrats go to Paris. Sort of the RRR of the nineties. Of France.
Yeah. It was certainly an exploration of America's foreign policy and relations, you know. It was, yeah. There were undertones of American nationalism, just like there were undertones of Indian nationalism in this film. Wow. Yeah. I'm just saying. I think you're right. Yeah, man. This is actually, this was bankrolled by Klasky Supo. Oh, was it? Yeah.
Who is, now who is Klasky Supo? So Klasky Supo is like the people are like the production company, I guess, behind Rugrats and a few of the other like Nicktoons that are super weird looking.
So will- I didn't, yeah, I didn't remember that, yeah. Yeah. Jesse's whole thing is that he knows everything that happened from like 86 to like 94. That's sort of- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I got a concussion. And he woke up now and is forced to talk about all these modern movies, but he still finds a way to bring the Rugrats back in.
Of course. Frigged dead animation. I respect that. Studios or whatever. Thank you. Yeah, anyway, that's my thought. Do you have a counter other than Rugrats in Paris or something else you like on me? I'll tell you something.
I mean, I just love the over the top show business of it. Like, I liked that they just embraced just the grand, huge over the top action sequences that were completely unrealistic, obviously. And like, and the song and dance and the mix of action and all of it, it was just fun. It was like, I loved it personally. I mean, it was insane. It was very long. It was three hours, but I really liked that it just like embraced that like, this is a ridiculous movie and you're gonna see a three hour ridiculous movie full of ridiculous things. And I enjoyed that. I'm also, I don't know if either of you guys have watched a lot of other, of like Bollywood films, but I get the impression that a lot of the stuff that was super novel to us in this movie is sort of part of the algorithm of Bollywood.
Yeah, I've only seen a lot of, and only in spurts, but like garbage, like martial arts Indian, like Bollywood stuff, where it's like the really over the top, everybody's like getting shot and then looking at the camera and be like, ah! And then, I don't know, just like the really crazy fight scenes, even to the extent that, for whatever reason, I was at Alamo Draft House and whatever movie we were watching, they didn't bother to come up with a pre-roll before it. So they just had their own pre-roll and there's tons of these Bollywood action movies. And it's just, yeah, it's this ridiculous over the top thing. And I can see why this is the most expensive Indian movie ever made, because, for example, that opening scene where, how do you say it?
Rah, Rahma? Raj, Raja? So it's Bean and Raju. Raju, okay.
So he's, yeah, when they introduced him as essentially a British soldier, officer, whatever, and they say to arrest some random dude way out in this massive- Who broke the picture? Who threw the rock? Dared insults the, yeah. And then they- The king or whoever it was.
Yeah, he just freaking does it. He jumps over the fence and that scene took 32 days to film, apparently.
Because they actually had like 2,000 people out there. It was amazing. The crowd scene, I mean, unbelievable. You don't see stuff like that in American film, really. I mean, it's crazy. I can't imagine how complicated that was.
Yeah, they obviously do have CG, and it's pretty apparent. It's like, wow, that tiger looks real.
And then it takes a step and you're like, ugh. It's kind of this interesting thing where it feels like the issue now is maybe we can make anything look real with computers, but the animation is still tricky. Like, it's still hard to make it look like. There's that one scene where he scales the governor's mansion or whatever, and he's climbing and rolling around from afar, and you're like, eh. That doesn't happen. But it doesn't even look like a good video game. It just looks like this weird, like, Bob, check it out.
I edited a video. But anyway, that whole scene apparently took, yeah, 32 days by itself, and they went all over the world. They shot some of it in Kiev.
Wow, saw that, yeah. Just, they only spent $72 million, which is a lot of money, but again, pales in comparison to everything Marvel. But I think they used, like, new lenses that they'd never used in an Indian movie before, and that's the thing I was noticing a lot, is it looks incredible, I feel like, in a lot of their Sony-ramping Zack Snyder stuff. Anyway, I really enjoyed it. Yeah, and all the fire and the water imagery and sort of the coloration, when they start battling kind of back-to-back with each other, it almost feels like a Marvel sort of situation. I don't think either of them, even in this movie, are supposed to have superpowers, but they sure fucking feel like it a few times. I was gonna say, it felt like a sort of legend of a, it felt like a legend of a Greek god or something, like watching these humans that have sort of supernatural powers, like when the, is it the little boy falls in the water or something happens, I don't remember, they're on a bridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, one of them jumps in a way that is just so insane, like diagonally, they're flying, basically. And I just felt like, oh, this is like a story of like a Hercules type or something like that, you know?
So that is actually what the director wanted. So it was not only a fan fiction of two historical, historical fan fiction, he was drawing on these, I believe it was Indian gods, I would assume, more like Hindu gods or something specifically, but he was drawing on some kind of mythology as well. So I think that's exactly what he's going for. It is funny though, because it definitely keeps weaving in like, oh, this is a story about two revolutionaries.
And then it's like, oh, but then they do things that are so utterly impossible, like what you're saying, that scene where the train blows up and they got to save the kid. The plan they come up with is the weirdest possible way to save that child. They're like, I got a rope. I was thinking about maybe lowering it to the kid. And they're like, no, no, no, no. We'll jump off the sides as high a speed as we can, swing, grab the kid, give you a flame retardant flag, I guess. And you will go through the fire and then go through the fire.
The flag was a nice touch. The flag was a nice to make it nice and political, to bring in the government, to bring the government into it, yeah. Yeah, should have made it a don't tread on me flag.
That's how you get guys like me on board. Well, it's interesting, kind of looking back, it's like from their first meeting, it was like water is gonna save that one guy from fire. And I don't know if fire saves the other guy from water, but when if you fast forward to the end of the movie, they each kind of take turns like saving each other from certain deaths, sort of like an opposite of Romeo and Juliet, right? Because there's at the end, they each think that the other is dead at one point, then they each come back to save the other one. And I wonder if that from the very beginning is sort of a little bit of a foreshadow.
I really wanna quick, Mark Taylor, thank you. Oh, what's up Mark? For the donation, that's insane, thank you so much. And also, yeah, the corridor crew does a lot of really cool, I didn't know they did Bollywood movies necessarily, but they do a lot of like graphic effects breakdowns and other kind of behind the scenes stuff. So have they done this movie, Mark?
Do you know? You can put it in the chat, I might not see it, but yeah, it's, sorry, go ahead. No, that was it.
I was keeping my eye out for sort of like highly metaphorical sorts of things. And I feel like that might've been one instance where from the beginning, like water will save the one guy from fire and that sort of thing. They also, if you were able to keep up with the lyrics whenever there were songs going on in the background, there's a lot of like conjecture, like here. So one thing we didn't mention in the recap is that it turns out that they're essentially enemies, but they don't know it. Like one guy is searching for the other guy to bring into justice and all that kind of shit. So then there's this background songs that'll be like, if they find out, will the veil, like when the veil falls, will they like, will there be bloodshed and all this kind of stuff?
There's also references to East and West, right? Like presumably one of them is from the East and one is from the West. I'm not actually sure which is the more urbanized, like presumably one of them is from an urban setting and Bima, why can't I remember the fricking name? B-A-T-M. Beam is from obviously a rural thing.
That was also part of the thing that I was a little bit confused by where they're like, he's gonna come and he's gonna save the girl and you may never find him and it's like, well, doesn't he have to go back to the village that you were just, like are they gonna move the whole village? Like I didn't understand, just, I don't know. It seemed like it'd be very easy to capture, or if not capture him at least, you know where he's gonna end up later, or you could do the thing where you threaten to burn down the whole village. That's the thing that people do in movies too. I don't know. I thought that part was, I mean, it was great if you don't really think about it too hard, but it was kind of like, there's no way his plan works except for blowing up the entire mansion and killing every British person in the country, apparently. I don't think things working was the aim of this movie. I think like, this was a big-ass spectacle movie. You know, like, I don't know how much logic plays in, you know what I mean?
Oh, that, right. So that's what, yeah, it's that thing where it's like, things seem realistic and then they immediately flip into the dude riding the other dude's shoulder with two rifles that he just like points down and he reloads without looking. Oh, that's cool. That's one of my favorite scenes. I was just gonna say that I feel like the creativity of the fight scenes to me mirrors like the best Jackie Chan stuff where it's like all, it's always prop based.
It's always like, what if we were fighting but it's a revolving door? How wacky would that be?
And honestly, this is one of the first movies that I've seen that has rivaled the raid in some ways. The raid is my favorite series of action movies. I don't know if you're familiar with it. This is Indonesian movies and they just have some of the craziest fights I've ever seen. And this movie does a really good job.
I mean, the raid is cool because it still tries to be mostly grounded. This is cool because it doesn't at all try to be good which I think is fun.
Yeah, well, to your point, I forget who was just saying it that like the, well, I think you were saying like being realistic wasn't the point of any of this. They had kind of touched on that like toward the end when Raju is in jail but he's still working out even though he's about to be killed the next day. And that his whole thing, he's like, I have a goal. I'm not like, everything I do is in service of getting closer to the goal. Just because that goal is impossible doesn't mean I'm not gonna keep on trying. So that seems very similar to just the idea of like, who cares if it's impossible?
Just like, it'd be pretty cool, right? If there's a whole zoo just unleashed in a- Oh my God, that was so cool. Holy crap. Yeah, all the animals just hopping out at once. That was so crazy.
I was gonna say that's also like kind of like a right-wing fantasy too. Like the whole like nationalistic, like the sort of make America great again. Like the dream, the impossible. Like, you know what I mean? Like the thing you can never achieve. It just, I found that side of the film so amazing. The sort of nationalistic undercurrent of it.
I just thought- I like you. You just equated all the right-wing stuff to Les Mez. You're right, I did. That's where my brain went. I guess that's where my, you know, something about Les Mez spoke to me in terms of white oppression, I guess.
I don't know. Yeah, no, yeah, that is interesting too.
And I think it's so funny that it's undercut by the very first title card that you see is, by the way, this doesn't mean that we hate Britain. I don't want you to assume that we have anything against anyone or anything. We just have this big thing that's like, just so you know, I'm gonna kill so many British people. And they are so evil in this movie, except for the one nice lady. I don't want you to take anything from that. Don't take offense to that. Yeah, just because it's based in history, don't like read into it.
Yeah. I don't actually feel this way, yeah. That was actually like an initial title card, was like, hey, you're gonna see a lot of people dying.
No, it just is like, it's like, this is fictitious. Everything is fictitious. Britain's not even a real country. Don't even look it up.
It felt very, it was much more careful than like, usually, you know, they'll do some movie about, you know, like Zero Dark Thirty. And at the end, they might be like, oh, you know, maybe some stuff happened. Maybe it didn't, but this was like very much trying to get out ahead of the like, don't get mad at us just because we killed it.
It's truly all of the white people.
Is it Top Gun? Is it Top Gun where like the, they just, they never named the enemy country?
Yes. Is that right? It'd be very funny if they tried to do the same thing here. Yeah, exactly.
So this takes place in 1920 India and there's some imperialist force. Could be anybody, really. Yeah, in the first Top Gun, they make several references to the enemy. And it's like, it's fine because it's a Cold War scenario and you can infer that it's the Russians and whatever. Like, everybody knows who you're talking about kind of thing and you don't wanna overly do it because you don't wanna overly assign blame. It's like the same thing in any movie where the spies get disavowed because whatever. But in the new one, they're like, this country that we can't talk about has the greatest fighter jets of all time. Like they're not, like whoever they are, it would be a big deal to like blow them all up. And they're still like, but we're not gonna say who it is, but it's Russia probably. It's just such an interesting, yeah. It would be funny if this movie too is like, I don't know who these guys are.
I'm not gonna say.
Yeah, at least Sonic 2 had the courage of their convictions and said outright that they were in Russia briefly and they got brutalized by a bunch of local Russians. Until they did a dance off, just like in RRR. That's how you bring people together. And then Sonic 2, the greatest Bollywood movie of 2022. It's definitely top two at this point.
I think all movies about war should end in dance. Anything about conflict or military oppression, death, imperialism should end in a dance number.
Everything's okay. We're all having fun. Well, and you know, nothing bad ever happened again. It was all a big laugh.
Yeah, and people love the Peacemaker intro title sequence. I don't know if you guys have seen this, but it's the whole cast of Peacemaker, which is the Suicide Squad spinoff, dancing to essentially what is a proto hair metal song. And so it's John Cena dancing, but it's literally all the characters and it's super fun. And obviously they're not nearly as adept as these actors are. There was some good dancing. Yeah, there's something really fun about just taking all your actors and forcing them to dance for no reason. It's really awesome. This is reminding me of Ali, if you're listening, sorry if I'm getting the story wrong, but Ali was saying Little Shop of Horrors, when it's actually a play and not a movie, ends vastly differently.
Like I think everybody, is it that everybody dies? Is that everybody doesn't die? I think they take over the world, the plants do.
I think it's something like you see, there's like a lot of like on stage deaths, but then the curtain closes and the actors come out and they sort of take their bow and everything's fun and all that. And they tried to end it that way in the movie, but they realized like it's much different when the last thing you see in a movie is your favorite characters brutally dying and then cut to credits. So this takes the complete opposite approach, where it's like, okay, so we got out alive and now we're all having a great time. It's a festival. My high school production of the musical Grease changed the ending. My director changed the ending, where you know how Sandy in the movie comes out and she's like all of a sudden in the leather and she's all like bad ass at the end.
So in our version, she comes out and she actually hasn't changed at all. She's in the same thing as before. And she says, you know what, Danny, I made up my mind and I am who I am.
And if you don't like it, then too bad. And then he sings, you're the one that I want, as if it's like the sexiest thing that he's ever seen. And I don't know if you can legally do that, but we did it, so. John Travolta will find you. Yeah, exactly. That's really interesting. I guess I don't hate that, necessarily.
I mean, that's always a criticism that's leveraged that Grease is why does she have to change? And why would she change the shitty greaser car culture? Like of all the things to become, it's like. Oh yeah, no, the culture of Grease is not, it's not a perfect message.
Let's put it that way, you know. Unlike what we've been told our whole lives, yeah. Exactly. That's funny. Oh, I was gonna say, this is just, this is sort of an aside, but you know, I assume you guys both watch it on Netflix.
And the problem I found is the dubbing is off. Like even though it's in Hindi. I noticed that, yes. The dubbing does not line up for most of the stuff. That's because they actually filmed it in at least four languages. Wow. And so that's why you'll notice during scenes like when Raju, is that how you say his name? As far as the subtitles told us. When he is infiltrating the revolutionary meeting, coffee shop, they're talking, like people are translating in multiple languages that are not English during that scene. And so they actually dubbed it into four different languages. And I don't know why it's this way, but the version that Netflix has, it's not the version that it was originally, like when they filmed it the first time, it's not whatever language that was, cause it's Hindi, but it's not, that's not what they spoke in the movie. It's just a really weird, it's interesting that they didn't get the native, like whatever it was actually recorded in. And it's, if they had them all, and maybe there are more Hindi speakers that use Netflix than the other languages that I didn't necessarily recognize, but I just thought it was weird.
And to its detriment, they did all of their, so the main actors did all four languages and all the dubs. So they did all of it themselves, but they did it at home.
And I feel like the worst thing about this movie is the audio was like, I mean, the music was really cool and it was really interesting, but there was a lot of, obviously the dubbing was weird and the voices were off, but even there would be scenes where like, he's like, I'm going to start the motorcycle. Yeah, you're like, well, yeah, it's like the shittiest, saddest little noises. Some of the noises were great, but there was a lot of like, I don't know, it just didn't feel like it was mixed quite how you would expect, or there's a lot of like punching where it's kind of. Yeah, and then you would like, sometimes you'd hear footsteps and sometimes it would ignore footsteps and that sort of thing. It was like, it felt like I was in a quiet room with somebody like live, what's that called when they do like sound effects with like- Fully artists?
Oh, fully. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seems like I had a live fully artist in a room. It's like, I'm just getting everything I can, I'm getting the important stuff. Right.
This, despite having clearly invested a lot in all of these songs being like, what's gonna happen next? Some of that stuff like that first one, and I think they bring it back again, but it's like, for lack of a better term, it's like they're borderline rapping, they're singing so fast, where it's like, it's very unsettling. We're like, I'm not gonna try it because I'm sure that's probably ill-advised, but whatever that song was, I was so fascinated by it. It's just, for whatever reason, it reminded me of the beginning of Dune. I don't know if you guys saw the Dune movie in theaters, but before all the title cards, they have the like, oh, I really like, he's like, dreams are the gateway to sand, or I don't know what it says. But it's like this really unsettling, not unsettling, but just like unexpected vocalization that I wasn't anticipating. And I felt like this movie kind of hits you with that. Like that first song is just so aggressive and kind of people yelling all over each other.
The other thing about it that I thought was funny is, because I'm not familiar with any of these companies opening stinger logos, I kept thinking the movie was starting, and it's like, oh, it's just whatever pictures that has the most elaborate, like that one that did the fire and the water and the like, going through space and all this stuff. And I was like, wow, this movie, oh, that's just who made it. But also this movie had about like 20 title cards. Like the R's kept coming up and all that. Yeah, Jordan always gets confused when he sees like a little boy fishing from the moon at the beginning of the movie. He's like, where did this kid come from? I thought I was here for an ogre. The first sort of title, or not title card, but like the, I don't know, when they were saying like, no animals or birds were harmed in this movie. And then they were like, here's a list of all the animals that you're gonna see that are fake.
Don't even think about it. The wolves were fine. Did they do that? Yeah, yeah. Oh my God, I didn't even notice that.
That's funny that I noticed that the British people aren't real, but not that the animals weren't real. Yeah, they're like, animals don't exist either. Nothing that dies is real.
Like a secondary title card that says, if they did get injured, how would you know? They can't talk.
It's fine. That's funny.
Yeah, that's most of my thoughts on it. Did you guys have anything else specific that you were heading your notes? I think the, yeah, like the dance and music numbers, like being like several degrees removed from, you know, watching it with an eye that understands that sort of, that like wing of the culture and the language and all that. I didn't get any of that, but I got the energy and like following along with like the lyrics, thank God, were like really like, was able to keep me focused on like, what's important?
Okay, embers, lots of embers stuff. I'm gonna, yep. There'll be a lot of metaphorical embers.
Well, and I think it's an extension of the revolution sort of, right? And they're like, Will, you kind of mentioned the nationalism of it. Like they literally at some point say, the British guys like, do you know how to flamenco? And he's like, no, but I know how to do this fricking crazy suspender dance until you fall over and die. And, you know, I think it was just another example of Indian culture prevailing in this very specific way. And I actually did think the scene where he's getting whipped with the crazy nail whip and just everybody in the crowd getting pissed about it, I thought was really well done. I felt like that was the part of the movie that I most emotionally kind of connected with. It was like, oh, I kind of feel this. Like, I don't know. There was a way, when they were focusing too much on the British lady being like, I went to see more blood.
That didn't like, wow, she's so evil. I'm like, this woman is an idiot.
She's also a former Bond girl, if I'm not mistaken. So she's keeping the dream alive. I can't believe she hasn't had many roles in between those two.
But yeah, I just think they did a good job with that. Yeah, the crowd work overall rivaled that of perfume, story of a murder.
I don't know if you're familiar with that Will, but- No, what is that?
It's a 400 person fully nude orgy scene. Yeah, the climactic scene is like a huge, huge orgy that they choreographed.
Oh, cause you know what? Cause what was it?
It was like 70% of all those extras, hundreds of extras were actual like dancers. So they were all, yeah, so they all had this intricate, choreographed, gigantic orgy. And in comparison, that's easy. All you gotta do is get across like a horny for everything and anyone.
But in this movie, there's a lot of like pat, like the looks in the eyes of each person watching them get lashed, like escalated just enough for me to be like, oh shit. Like they're going from fear to righteous anger now.
Yeah. I think one thing that they do really well in the movie, it sort of happens in that scene, but it happens a lot is they do the truck flip from dark night where the truck flips all the way over. They do that like 17 different times and it's cool every time. Yeah. During that scene, all they do is they flip a barricade and pin a bunch of British soldiers on it. It still looks rad. And they do so many scenes. Every time that happens, we get one shot from underneath the hero as behind him, the thing is flipping and he's just like sauntering. They did a lot of, I think it felt very thoughtful in the way that they did all of their action sequences. They just, they kept finding ways to make it look rad and not even just from a, wouldn't it be cool if we had two guns and we were shooting people while riding piggyback or whatever. But they would always, they would like frame it in really interesting ways and really fun ways. Like that scene where Arrow goes into the tree but not into the guy's eye. Yeah. So he kicks it the rest of the way to his head and then like flies off to shoot.
That was legitimately very funny. That was a laugh out loud moment. A hundred percent.
And they do a lot of that where it's like, they know it's weird. Like it's nonsense and a lot of scenes where it's, he's like, he has a flashback to him shooting his dad. And he's like, oh, remember when I shot my dad and he exploded? What if I put grenades on my bows or on my arrows and then I shot them at people and you're like, I mean, I think you could have figured that out without thinking about shooting your dad.
But yeah, I guess that emotionally ties the movie together. Exploding British people requires sacrifice or something. But anyway. And then the final song, I loved how in the final like we're all friends song, the lyrics are also like, no one will rise against us. Like we are one united power.
Yeah. They're like, I dare someone to try and overtake us again. Yeah. Respect. Yeah. I yeah.
They just, the director seems to have an eye for just like fun almost. Like his ideas, like the scene where he's the, again, the guy's like, you know, you don't know how to flamenco, you're dumb. And then the other guy's like, nah, it runs over to the drum set and just starts like playing it.
And it's just like, Oh yeah. Playing it with like a service tray. Yeah. Cause it's got the, it's got the tray rolling the whole time. And you're like, why is that gonna happen when that lands? It's like, oh, it's going to be a part of a drum for sick feet. Yeah. Right. I thought that was going to be a weapon. I thought he was going to like flip out and he's going to slice off the jerk offs head with it. And no, they make it into a symbol for the symbolist British drum set. Yeah.
I just, they do a lot of like the fun set up of, again, that the like animal truck that they slammed through the gate. They're like, we have to, we have to make sure that the other gate is open. Like they plow through that first gate. I don't think a second gate would have really mattered that much, but it is, or conversely, they could just see the first gate open and slam and I don't know, whatever.
Right. They just did everything to be visually appealing and just cool rather than ever being worried about anything, which respect. Respect. Yeah. I thought it was really fun. It felt a lot like back in 1994 when I used to play with my GI Joes, you know, like you have limited stuff. You have like whatever, like you have like an old beat up plastic motorcycle. All right. I got to use that as a bludgeoning tool is exactly that sort of thing. Everything's a weapon. It doesn't matter how impossible. Right.
They just, they also did a, it was very kind of like gritty fighting where there's a lot of just tackling people, people trying to run somewhere and then just getting slammed. It's really funny, especially in that scene. It's funny, like they just intentionally make the British people so bad at fighting where they're just like, they're all trying to run. And the one Raju is just like slams one. The other guy's like, God, I hope he doesn't catch down. Shit. And they're just like, nobody's taking their guns to be like, maybe we should deal with this guy who's killing us one by one as we run.
They're just like, I'm just going to keep going. I'm just going to keep going. And I just, I'm just gonna, ah, it's great.
I just, I feel like for a three hour movie to me, it actually felt reasonably, like it held my attention a lot better than some of the two hour movies that we've seen because it just kept doing stuff. I don't know. Things just like kept happening. And, and again, during montages, they had a ripping song. So it didn't even matter.
You're like, yeah, I'm having fun. It's like structured like a variety show. Like it gives you like a little bit of this and a little bit of that. And like, you know, it keeps your attention. It's like a little something for everybody.
There's a love scene. There's a really violent scene.
There's a, you know. Yeah. And our special guest, former bond girl, this lady. Yeah. This mean lady. Yeah, it's a say. I want more blood. Ugh. Yeah. Why are you mad about your kid? Like I gave you two small coins. Right. Yeah.
It was a, it was a treat. I feel like, oh, I also noticed that the stunts were by King Solomon. Did you notice that? Hmm.
I didn't know. I didn't look him up because I actually didn't want to know.
I actually prefer the thought that King Solomon inspired the fight scenes in this movie. They found an ancient tome, just diagrams of a guy throwing a motorcycle.
Absolutely. Oh, and the only other thing I had, I can't do it, but, you know, they would head shake a lot, specifically the guy from the tribe. That's just a thing in India that they do a lot. And we, one of my professors for a class that I had, white guy lived in Nepal for a really long time. And he would do that all the time, just subconsciously.
It's just kind of like, we're agreeing. We're vibing right now. Like, understand me. It's just kind of a, it's sort of like using a vocal tic, such as, huh, or like, yeah, or whatever. It's just kind of like. Interesting. I'm listening to you, I suppose. And I just, remembering that, I was just noticing it all over this movie, especially for Bean would just at all times be doing that pretty much. So that's interesting.
I didn't even realize that that's what that meant. I thought it was more, he was being like confused or indecisive when he was trying to talk to like the evil governor's niece that he had a crush on because there was that language barrier where like, Raju had to like translate for him. He never, they never knew what each other were saying. So when I saw him shake his head, I thought it was like, he's expressing no when like he needs to be saying, yes, I'd like to go to this party, that kind of thing.
Anyway, that's interesting. I'm looking it up now just to make sure that I'm, okay, so it says, it can mean anything from good to I understand. So it's a lot of that. I think what I was saying is relatively accurate.
Also, you can use it as a way to give a, it's impolite to say no most of the time. So maybe that's what you're seeing in that scene is that people don't frequently wanna say no. So they'll say that, which is kind of like, yeah, maybe, but also it's not gonna happen. I'm not gonna say that.
So it's a little bit of that. But anyway, I just thought that was, that to me made it feel, not that it didn't at other points, but I was like, oh yeah, this is an Indian movie with Indian people. It's not like, Slumdog Millionaire had a lot of that, but it's also directed by Danny Boyle. And it's a good approximation, I suppose, but this is a Bollywood movie. That's why they're speaking Hindi and stuff.
Whenever I see in a movie, Spanish people say, barfelona. I'll be like, hey, I know a guy who went there once during college. I get where they're coming from. I kind of get the culture, you know? Yeah, me. Barfelona, yeah. That was the Spanish teachers that I had growing up. That's one of those things where I took 15 straight years of Spanish. And I could basically say like, donde esta el bano, like where's the bathroom, and Cara talking about it and all that. Yeah, it's, well, yeah, I know a lot of colors.
Virginia accent, yeah. I don't even think accents.
I have a DC standard. I could be a broadcaster. I'm from DC. Are you from DC? I'm from DC. Charlottesville, Virginia. Okay, there you go. I'm from DC. Nice, like Nova area? Like DC proper.
Oh, hmm. Are you corrupt in some ways? Yeah, I'm very corrupt. Good.
You can pay me off for anything, absolutely. That's how we got you on this. We offered to do some pork barrel spending. Yeah, just send me 200 bucks. I'll do it, sure.
Nice. Any last observations from you guys before we throw it to the unwashed masses? Yeah, the one thing I noticed is that the scene where they were piggyback fighting, it initially started out with a soundtrack that sounded either like a Ford commercial or maybe the Home Depot jingle. There's something just deeply American about the like, do, do, do, do. Oh, that's like a guitar riff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't tell if that's, if they were throwing, throwing me a bone. You're like, okay, here. Yeah.
Get your blood running for this. Yeah, I started looking up hacksaws sales right after me to see if there were any nails that I could procure. I did literally think, oh shit, I got to get my dad's solar lights for Father's Day. Yeah, I should show my wife that scene so that she'll get me something nice.
Nice. Any other one-offs or anything? It was a blast, I liked it a lot. It was.
All right, Brian, we're switching to the masses. Wash up masses.
We already mentioned this, but yes. Oh yes, big time.
What was your favorite? Everybody name your favorite.
I'm not gonna look at it, so just do whatever you want. Oh shoot, I unstarred somebody, but they asked, or they said, there's a good Bollywood movie on Disney called Once Upon a Warrior, maybe. Somebody can correct me on that if I'm misremembering the thing that I deleted. Also, somebody has been correcting me.
It's a Tollywood movie. Where is that from? From Bengali stuff, is that true? Segment of Indian cinema dedicated to the production. Oh, so it's the language thing. It's probably the language it was spoken, which is, I'm not gonna pronounce it right. It's from Lugu, so that differentiates it from, oh, there we go. Thanks, Amber. So I guess that was an actual Bollywood. Okay, so that would explain why they had to translate it because that's not necessarily, like evidently Hindi is what Netflix wanted because they, maybe more people speak that.
Phil says that it didn't feel too long. I mean, you did break it up into two, so that's cheating. So you lose. But to be fair, the filmmakers could have broken it up into two. That's true. Certainly, there was definitely some fat that could have been taken out. The film, it was, there were some mini plots there that I was like, guys, let's hurry it up a little bit, maybe, you know.
I'm gonna do a thing that we do every time now, which is I click on the big anime boobs over here. Oh, yeah. Got it. Now I click on the big anime boobas. We'll never learn. Just wanted to let that out there. That's for the people. Give us $20 and we won't click on the big anime boobas.
So Sells signed up for the newsletter, so good job. Sign up for that if you want.
None of us are really affiliated with it anymore, so. Yeah, our newsletter guy quit. I didn't care for the newsletter.
So hopefully it's a good time for you. Matthew Riggs wants to know if it's like triple X, but Hindi, yes. That works. Just like the Vin Diesel dance numbers that we all remember. Yeah.
Oh, well, Fast and Furious is like a musical for boys. It is. It's just lots of cutaways to things that couldn't possibly happen. But I wish there were dance numbers in songs. Well, that's the other thing. That's why it's like a musical. The whole point of musical is typically, and this one takes it even further, which is it's giving us God's point of view.
But it's always like an internal thing where it's like, I'm feeling sexy today on my way to work. And so I sing a song. And Fast and Furious, they're always cutting to them in the car. And they're like, man, I almost got hit by that car. I'm hungry.
Like, they're just no one. They're just like, God, I love Vin Diesel as a person.
But I guarantee you though, that if the next one had a musical number, an opening musical number and a closing musical number, it would be significantly more successful. I feel quite confident of that. I really do.
I mean, the whatever song by Wiz Khalifa, maybe, or? Yeah, exactly. That song was a fucking enormous hit. Yeah, it got like a billion views on. Yeah. Like a day or something like that.
Learn your lesson, Hollywood. Come on. Fast, can you see those? Copy Bollywood. And sing.
I'm only washed because I'm cooking dinner. I don't know what that asked me.
Okay. Okay, Arthur, good to know. Three hour Disney stuff has trained me to just consume content without complaint. Good. Sounds joyful. Yeah. I guess that's why you're here. Yeah.
Apparently only 60% of the director's vision was in the film.
That's crazy. I mean, I do know that it ran into a lot of issues with the pandemic. Like they started shooting in 2019 or something like that. And obviously they had multiple locations and all this stuff. And so I know that the main actors kept getting hurt too, which doesn't surprise me. Oh, wow. They were jumping off stuff all the time.
What else did the director want to do here? I was gonna say, this sounds like an avatar situation. Like he could make, like he sounds like a James Cameron. Like he could make RRR234.
Why not?
I wanna see them follow the wolf and the tiger from one of the opening scenes. I follow literally any character in that film. Oh, I actually, that is one thing that I thought while I was watching it, which is every movie that has a tiger stalking a prey somehow uses the exact same POV shot where it's like kind of blurry on the edges. It's a vignette and it's like low to the ground going through the grass.
And I was like, why did we all decide that you need that? Like, why does everybody have the tiger shot?
And they're like, tigers see kind of like humans, but more vignette. It's more stylized than we tend to look. We asked the tigers and that's what they said. You ever see how like across cultures, if you ask people to sort of describe their perfect landscape, they'll essentially like paid to picture the exact same thing. It's sort of like, it's like a bit of shelter next to water, but like under, like next to a mountain. So there's some, you know, some additional shelter or whatever it's like across cultures that's like deeply embedded in our brains is like the perfect area to live. It's the same thing with tigers. We all grow up instinctively knowing what a tiger is doing. How he sees. The sepia tone, whatever it is, yeah. The filter, the Instagram filter. Yeah, we used to be able to connect with tigers just like people connect with animals in Avatar.
There you go, through the hair, right? Uh-huh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's it. So this is interesting.
So this comment saying that we should avoid the big budget movies. This is a big budget, the biggest budget movie. Are there other movies that you would recommend that are either Bollywood or Tollywood that we should watch or everybody in the chat should watch?
Just stay that at some point. And also, if you can, where they're available, where we can get them. Yeah, I would love to see some. You can hold those. Yeah, also, if tigers could sing, they would sound cute. Thank you.
How do you guys feel about Joker 2 being a musical? Speaking about almost exactly what we're talking about, which is a weird action movie with a really high budget probably becoming a musical for no reason. I think you know how I feel about it. I think two thumbs away the hell up. I do think it's a great idea.
I do think this is what I've been hoping for, which is that companies like Marvel, DC, if they ever get their craft together, which I guess they're trying to do here, they're like, I mean, the first Joker, he was literally like, well, I wrote a script, but nobody would buy it unless his name was Joker. So I just, now he's the Joker. I think we could do that with a lot of Marvel stuff.
It's like, I wanna make a musical, but nobody's gonna watch a musical. So now it's the Batman musical, who cares? And so like people can, they could Trojan horse more interesting movie ideas just by happening. It's like Bruce Wayne's musical.
So he's got no powers. He's not doing things.
He just happens to fund a musical. It's like Birdman, but it just so happens that the first character actually is Bruce Wayne being like, I'm trying to fund my passion project play. That's my feelings about that. Jesse, what are your feelings? Go. Well, I wonder if it's gonna be a full on musical or if it's gonna be just sort of like a Midsurmin' Night's Dream kind of thing where, okay, so we're gonna have a portion of it that's like the musical written by the Joker or whatever. Yeah, but the whole thing, fine. Either way, I'll probably watch it because this is my job and I have to watch things like the Joker too.
Mark Taylor, who gave us more money. Thank you so much. Mark says, Tyler with cat Iraq's POV. Now we all have to look at that.
I think that makes sense. It's to some extent. Well, let's talk about Titanic with that double VHS pack. Homie Cameron is back. James Cameron is just saying. You're right.
I can't believe you even remember that. That's like 97. That's a little bit past your concussion. Oh, I have that mementoed on my bicep actually.
Titanic with a two VHS set. You wake up every morning and read it. Titanic came in two sets and they killed your wife. Two VHSes.
That's a good reference. Good job, Jesse. I really liked that one.
I also have the plot of memento, a memento. Including his tattoos. It gets pretty confusing. It's a lot.
Yeah. Do movies. Yeah. I would love to do. In general, I'm hoping to do...
I'm actually hoping to force you, Jesse, to talk about anime more anyway. I kind of want the cannonball stuff to start focusing less on superheroes and more on... I mean, you can still be superhero stuff but anime centric stuff because I just think it's interesting and something that I personally don't know a lot about and I can make you do that.
You have that power. I do. I have all the power.
Plus, it seems to do well because people are interested in anime. That's kind of a up and coming... It's not up and coming. It's a medium that... It's not a new art form.
Yeah. You guys heard about this anime stuff? I think they just invented it like three years ago. Yeah, no. They're right that we should do some Ghibli stuff. Ghibli.
All right. There's a million things that people said but I'm not gonna read them. Let's go to titles. Oh, yeah. Titles? All right. Will, do you have any alt titles? I was originally gonna do really, really right wing but now I think I'm gonna edit that and I think I'm gonna do raucous right wing radness. Fun, yeah.
So are the Indian revolutionary fighters the right wing in this? No, it's the fact that it's... I think it's being interpreted as right wing today. I think it's being viewed as like propaganda for the right wing cause in India.
I think that's how it's... This movie, yes. Oh crap. I believe so. I believe that it's being taken as like a yeah, pro I believe Modi pro yeah, anyway, so. No, I mean, I can see it cause so many times like there'll be a movie that like the right wing of America takes... Exactly. That's about us when it's so clearly like that wasn't made for or about you but people just see somebody being rad as hell and they're like, that's me. I'm that guy. So that when I type in RRR right wing the first thing that pops up is a Thrillist article that says it's the blockbuster of the summer but mind it's dicey politics. See, it's fascinating. Written by still weaving? You're right.
This is why we should only cover Marvel movies. Every time we step out, we just get burned.
No, okay. So that's interesting. We probably should have talked about that more but here we are at the end of things. I'm not qualified to, you know, I just it's about my big grade. Nice. You got any other ones or can we move to Jesse's Panic at the Disco? I'm done. Those are my two. Bastardations. All right. What do you got Jesse? Okay.
Raju and beams infinite playlist. Oh my God. Oh wow. We weaponized a zoo.
That's good. I like that one a lot actually. Let's see. I think we just go with ACAB, but in the RRR font. Oh yeah. I think that's all I got. That's good. My main one was great. Like it's great. They're great. Allie had Molly's game, M-A-L-L-I's game. That's good. Good golly Miss Molly. Yeah. And dance dance revolution. That's good too. That's fantastic. On multiple levels. That's actually probably my favorite so far. Let's see what else we got.
Ben Zuhr gives us recklessly wrecking racists. Nice. I suppose it means they are wrecking racists. They themselves are not racist who wreck.
But who knows? Gotta read that article.
It traditionally starts with a W. That's just saying. I did love how at the beginning when they revealed like the three R's. No, those words started with an R. What is it again? It's like.
R. Fire. Fire story.
I don't. I imagine it might be that goddess that they sort of prayed to and stole weapons from at the end. I don't know, maybe not. There aren't any fighting women in this, are there? They dance hard, but no. Sure do.
I like this one. Let the British bodies hit the floor. Straightforward. Yeah.
Everybody loves drowning pool. Speaking of drowning pool, did you know that like three of their lead singers have died?
Oh. They just can't stop. One might even say their bodies hit the floor. Oh no. They probably started on the floor and then just expired, but. Right. I don't know if they were standing before that.
Here's one. Really robotic rannibles because three R's is hard. I'm just gonna throw that out. I can make rannibles work, yeah. Yeah. Look at those rannibles. They ran, but in the past tense. I'm not gonna do that one. A pirate's life for me. I'm guessing is that R? Oh.
I don't think Dan saw the movie. He's just like, I don't know.
We got rocking and rolling. Titties together. Nice.
Very, thank you, Titties, for continuing on. As we say in every podcast, thank you. Thank you, Titties. Yeah, we usually start out with a prayer just to the idea of Titties. This podcast is brought to you by Titties.
Just the concept. Well, I think that's pretty much it. Somebody said 50 Shades of Fart. Joe SCH said that. I wanna make sure that got the airtime it deserves. Yeah, I see that now. Let's throw her up.
It's like a dog pepper. It's a beautiful image. Yeah. Like 27 flavors of a, or 23 flavors of a fart. It's so much I have to learn.
Also, Red Robin, but Urghurs, because. Urghurs.
Honestly, who cares at this point? Just words. Also, boob racks. There's a lot of stuff here that we're gonna miss that we really, why don't we just throw this up again? We should watch Bonio.
Yeah, I mean. Oh, that's right. This is another true thing. The RRR was a working title, and the three R's were the names of the two actors and the director. And then they kinda kept it, if I'm not mistaken, because again, it could be. Anything. It's very flexible in multiple languages and multiple variations of it. Oh, that's funny.
And 50 farts to leave your lover. So, let's just end this, because it's devolved quite extensively.
Will, where can we find you? Specifically, where on Netflix, because.
Oh yeah, I'm gonna inorganically say that you can check me in, I think, episode five of Inventing Anna as disgraced pharma bro Martin Shkreli in one brief scene. So, please check that out. The Shkrels is out of jail, I understand. If he's watching, I'd be open to collab on a web series or whatever you'd like. Two Shkrelis, yeah, anything. Yeah, I'd love to get in the business. I'd love for him to show me the way to handle drugs.
So, let's do it. Let's do it, Marty. Hit me up.
Yeah, otherwise, yeah. Find me wherever. Did you, I feel like I just saw you got something published in something. Oh yeah, I have a little piece. I have a piece today on the New Yorker website in the Daily Shouts.
Nice. Mark Meadow's texts on this January 6th business. I'm not familiar, what is that? Spicy topic, awesome stuff went down, it's fine. Nothing happened, nothing, nothing. That's good.
All overblown. Yeah, yeah. I think RRR is about that, if I'm not mistaken. It could be, honestly. If someone made a movie as good as RRR about MAGA, it would be a real problem for this country because it would be too good, it would be really good. Yeah, they're like, what is it, the Buffalo guy flipping off of the pillars and stuff? A few shaman, yeah, a whole dance number. In the halls of the Capitol, that'd be awesome. Yeah, everything's sad.
Yes, Eddie, I might at some point be romance. Or I think I shouldn't be romance, I should be like whipped or whatever, right? While I'm having to like, I don't think my wife wants me to watch those movies, I don't blame her. Don't want you getting any stick thoughts.
Yeah. Jesse, where can we find you? Yeah, okay, find me on Twitter there.
Also, you should check out my recent cannibal about Stranger Things, because it frankly didn't get enough views. It didn't do great.
But no, it's a real- It's like pivoting to anime. Yeah, well, but it's, I'm still only about halfway through this half of the season, but basically Stranger Things is based on an actual conspiracy theory that's like super dark and super weird and super fucked up. And it's just now some of the elements of that conspiracy theory are starting to, hey, Brian, we're starting to, oh, Jordan, are starting to become recognizable. Even to the extent there was a headline that was like the Duffer brothers confirmed that maybe there's gonna be time travel. And I called it a couple of weeks ago, there's obviously gonna be some fricking time travel.
Anyway, it's not as boring as, I wonder why it's not getting that many views. The guy who's in charge of marketing it, it says it's boring.
Oh, I marketed my little butt off, man. You're dumb, Paul. He did. No, it's fine.
Yes, and also the notifications are shitty on YouTube and people don't get them because everything is rigged. By the way, I'm just gonna go ahead and remind the two of you that this is also an audio podcast. So we'll say at Will underscore Steven and at Eisman for the people listening. Thank you very much. Although they probably have logged off by this point. You can find me at the underscore J underscore breeding and that's a Twitter thing. Although I'm probably different things other places. And also, I don't know if you guys watch the cracks YouTube channel, but I, they're doing stuff.
Our Tom Cruise, we should put titties in the thumbnail. I know, but there weren't very many in RRR. My great problems with the movie.
I mean, there are some exceptional male ones. I was actually surprised. I will just say that those guys got that jacked for really just one scene. I truly thought that at some point, like Shirley at, Oh no, I guess he takes his shirt off at the end. Raju does. So that was fine.
But I was like for three hours to be that jacked like in a Marvel movie. Yeah, they're always Thor's always losing his clothes or whatever.
If you've seen the trailer for the new one, a whole joke is as close by off. Anyway, I was just really disappointed in that. Again, this is why American movies are better. Just kidding.
Yeah, watch cracked. I'm Tom Cruise in a video that's doing okay.
And that's it. I think I'm gonna say bye and then I'm gonna hit the button. So bye. Bye everybody.
I don't know where my- Thank you Will. Oh, Will just- Scrawlies.
Yeah, anything. Yeah, I'd love to get in the business. I'd love for him to show me the way to handle drugs. So let's do it. Let's do it Marty. Hit me up. Yeah, otherwise, yeah.
Find me wherever. Did you, I feel like I just saw you got something published in something like- Oh yeah, I have a little piece. I have a piece today on the New Yorker website in the Daily Shouts.
Nice. Mark Meadows texts on this January 6th business. I'm not familiar. What is- Spicy topic. Awesome stuff went down. It's fine.
Nothing happened. It was nothing.
That's good. All overblown. Yeah, yeah.
I would have thought about that if I'm not mistaken. It could be, honestly. If someone made a movie as good as RRR about MAGA, it would be a real problem for this country because it would be too good. It would be really good.
Yeah, they're like the, what is it? The Buffalo guy flipping off of the pillars and stuff. The Q Shaman, yeah. A whole dance number in the halls of the Capitol. That'd be awesome.
Yeah, everything's sad.
Yes, Eddie, I might at some point be romanced. I think I shouldn't be romanced. I should be like whipped or whatever, right?
While I'm having to like, I don't think my wife wants me to watch those movies. I don't blame her. Don't want you getting any stick thoughts.
Yeah. Jesse, where can we find you? Yeah, okay, find me on Twitter there.
Also, you should check out my recent cannonball about Stranger Things, because it frankly didn't get enough views. It didn't do great.
But no, it's a real- It's why it's pivoting to anime. Yeah, well, but it's, I'm still only about halfway through this half of the season, but basically Stranger Things is based on an actual conspiracy theory that's like super dark and super weird and super fucked up. And it's just now some of the elements of that conspiracy theory are starting to, hey, Ryan. That was actually me. Are starting to, oh, Jordan, are starting to become recognizable. Even to the extent there was a headline that was like, like the Duffer brothers confirmed that maybe there's going to be time travel. And I called it a couple of weeks ago. There's obviously going to be some freaking time travel.
Anyway, it's not as boring as, I wonder why it's not getting that many views. The guy who's in charge of marketing it, it says it's boring.
Oh, I marketed my little butt off, man. You're dumb, Paul. You did. No, it's fine.
Yes, and also the notifications are shitty on YouTube and people don't get them because everything is rigged. By the way, I'm just going to go ahead and remind the two of you that this is also an audio podcast. So we'll say at will underscore Steven and at Iceman for the people listening. Thank you very much. Although they probably have logged off by this point. You can find me at the underscore J underscore breeding and that's a Twitter thing. Although I'm probably different things other places. And also, I don't know if you guys watch the Cracks YouTube channel, but I, they're doing stuff. Are Tom Cruise, we should put titties in the thumbnail.
I know, but there weren't very many in RRR. My great problems with the movie.
I mean, there are some exceptional male ones. I was actually surprised. I will just say that those guys got that jacked for really just one scene. I truly thought that at some point, like Shirley at, oh no, I guess he takes his shirt off at the end. Raju does. So that was fine.
But I was like for three hours to be that jacked, like in a Marvel movie. Yeah, they're always Thor's always losing his clothes or whatever.
If you've seen the trailer for the new one, his whole joke is as close by off. Anyway, I was just really disappointed in that. Again, this is why American movies are better. Just kidding.
Yeah, watch Cracked. I'm Tom Cruise in a video that's doing okay.
And that's it. I think I'm gonna say bye and I'm gonna hit the button. So bye. Bye, everybody.
I don't know where my.
Thank you, Will. Oh, Will just. |
dropout | Brian_Hitler_Is_One_of_the_10_Worst_Brians_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome back to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Taylor West. And I'm Kanye Swift. What are the odds the two of us would be paired together?
Crazy! Well, there's a new sheriff in town. Literally. The county supervisors responding to an uptick in crime have installed old-timey sheriff Wild Bill Bronson. He's straight out of 1800's Old West and has the chafed thighs to prove it. When asked about his plan to address street crime, he said, I plan to put it in God's hands, and if an outlaw needs to find God, my pistol can arrange an introduction.
We have a lot to contend with as the city has been under siege from Bad Brian and the Bad Brian Boys. He's a bad Brian. That's for sure, but by no means the baddest Brian. The top 10 baddest Brian's are, in order, Brian Mulaney, Brian Bill Hickok, Brian Wayne Gacy, Brian Brian von Ryan, Brian Hitler, Brian mis-directed me, and Brian Bon Vivant.
Wild Bill will be rounding up a posse at dawn to ride out to Hangman's Pass. If anyone gets in his way, the sheriff promises to introduce them to God. It's nice that he has a catchphrase. A reporter asked the sheriff how that should sound to people in the age of police brutality, but everyone else told them to relax and just have fun with this. In other news, the Department of Power expects rolling blackouts this weekend, here with advice on how to make the most of being without electricity is our own Adele Dazeem.
Remember that reference? It's from a while ago. Grant wrote this one.
We don't need to wonder anymore.
Thanks guys. I'm Adele Dazeem. When the power goes out, the best way to spend time is on the lost art of conversation. So when your lights and screens fail you, take a highball out on your stoop and ask your neighbors Grant wrote this. Probing questions about themselves.
Everyone loves that. Start with religion. Everyone loves talking about that.
Do they believe in God? If so, how can they possibly believe in something they have no proof for? If not, what makes them think they're smarter than almost every person in all of history?
If they have their kids with them, talk to their kids in a very familiar way. Your neighbors, after all. Let's assume that goes well. I'm still talking, but it started a new box for me. The next thing to do is invite yourself into their apartment for a cup of coffee and once you're inside, comment on the way their place smells. Does it smell like dog? Tell them. They might try to pivot to something innocuous like television. If they do that, be sure to throw out your hottest take.
Succession is overrated. This is Grant. Why is Siobhan with Tom anyway? He's such a fuckboy that it seems like more a plot device than a real relationship. Really dig in and insult things your neighbor enjoys. People like to be challenged.
When the power comes back on, say, Ooh, I guess you can make me another cup of coffee now. If there's a guest room, sleep there.
Back to you, Taylor and Kanye. Thanks, Adele. We now go to our food critic, Jack Kemp. Wasn't that the name of Bob Dole's running mate in 1996? Another throwback. Another Grant moment. Thank you.
I just had the misfortune of dining at La Luna, the newest restaurant on Broad Street. Terrible. They kept trying to serve me wine and seafood, but they refused to make me my favorite.
A big bowl of oatmeal with a lot of whipped cream on top. Luckily, I have some here. In the box, you mean? It would be weird. This feels like Grant. It's weird that I can see it steaming. It's crazy how the cream collapses under the weight of more cream. So it all fits in the bowl. Oh, it's about to. There it goes.
Mm. The tiniest.
That's good. Back to you. Well, Jack, we're a little short on time. I think you better eat that twice as fast as you are. Yes. Speed it up, Jack. Pick that bowl back up and eat faster. Don't mind if I do. I'm so sad this is almost over. Kind of regretting putting all that whipped cream on your bowl, aren't you now, Jack? Nope. It's actually really good. Currently on our screens, it says finish the bowl. And if anyone tries to move past this bit, I'm going to flip out in real life.
Now, a lot of this did feel like a Grant script, but Siobhan was spelled wrong, and we have a mutual friend named Siobhan. That's the most Grant shit I can think of. That's the way the character spells her name. So Grant did write this script. So Grant, absolutely.
Oh, I'm sorry, what has this script touched? Porridge? Porridge, pie balls, a Bob Dole reference. Hey. This is a Grant memoir. Check it out. If that food's solid, it's not for Grant. Mm, tasty. And it'll look basically the same the entire way through my tummy.
Thanks, Jack. Before we go, we'll announce that our loser this week is Ally. What? Because they couldn't stop laughing. No. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | the_coors_light_golf_experience_sponsored | Welcome to the Coors Light Golf Experience here in Whistler, British Columbia. 160 Coors Light Contest winners are going to come up here, play some golf, hopefully embarrass themselves so we can make fun of them. And then I imagine there will be a winner at the end of it all. And guys, extra special surprise. My family has been kind enough to lend us the use of their chateau for the weekend. So most of the main events will be going down here at Shayside L Establish. 1831, my family is very big in logging up in British Columbia.
Do you know how to hold the bat? The golf bat? Are you guys big golfers? More of a drinker than a golfer, but yeah, it would have worked for you.
You know that this event combines those two things, seamlessly. They are making some sort of line here to greet the winners. We did not receive that treatment when we arrived.
He's down, man down. He lost a flip flop. He's on the ground.
This is very aggressive. We are here with Caddy. Ashley. Ashley, who is just sustained. The best Caddy ever, according to the man yelling over there. And she has sustained a very serious injury.
I ran in the hamster wheel. I did it.
Here comes the law. Oh, never mind. Those are just people bringing more beer. So the law here.
Carrie, air bawling. Carrie, blaming it on me when it's clearly not my fault.
The real star of this event were the Caddies. I love the kilts and the victory red shirts and the faculties, all that business. You've got to wonder if someone's job at Coors Light is just to flip through photos. I want to enter it for that person. Both Silvay and Michelle from the Coors Light Golf Experience Club crawl. Is this, what, just, oh, the smoke machine.
I was about to push you guys down and run out of beer. So you're dealing with a lot of rough people tonight? You know what, it's still early. I'm sure they will be fat and rough by the end of the night. We've got some coming in right now. Oh look, that was like a challenge to you, man. This is going to be exciting.
Now who won the thing? Tell me everything. How did it happen? It was magical, let me tell you. Come here, I'll ask you a question. Did your girlfriend make you bring her?
Yo, there's real wolves around here. Don't do that. This is like one of those parties that you're like, you see it on like entourage or something. And you're like, that doesn't exist. And it's here. And it does. Guys, that is it.
Thank you for watching. This has been an incredible weekend here at the Coors Light Golf Experience. Girls, did you have a good time? You heard it from them. I did too. Now I have to go dance like an a**hole. Thanks for watching. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Puffer_Vest_Wearing_Prick_Mortified_Aged_Care_Residents_Katter_s_Pitch_More_April_15 | My name is Earl Parker, replacing Clancy Overrell, who's not here. -- No, he's off on a cruise of the South Pacific with his fiance? -- Well, I think that they're getting married on the boat. I think when you're getting married for the eighth time, you know, it's kind of like... -- Best to elope. -- Just buying a new pair of shoes. -- Yeah, it's not that big a deal. Just get the stuff signed and moving on. Well, look, South Pacific, seven days.
I hope they have a nice time over the Easter break. But his absence is the reason that we've got Effie Bateman in the studio with us today. Effie, how are you? -- Good. Very much looking forward to the Easter holidays. -- Yeah, it'll be a nice little break before we get right into this election campaign.
It's gonna be a long, long few weeks, really. I've had enough already. -- Well, yeah, you know, this is a very solemn day in the Christian calendar. You know, this is the first day that Jesus spent on the slab after being put to death by the Romans. So I guess, without further ado, I think we'll have to keep on moving with this bulletin.
And I think the first one up is about liberal Jesus. -- Yes. So now that the election has been called and that's dominated the majority of the news cycle, so we'll start off with our biggest story from the world of politics with this headline, which says they're better economic managers. Says puffer vest-swearing prick who heard his dad say it. -- One of those big four-headed blokes in chinos and RMs who starts telling everyone that John Howard was the best prime minister we've ever had after a beer or two at the pub. Yes, the battle lines have been drawn this week, with the Liberal Party pushing themselves as the safe pair of hands that the nation and economy needs, as they like to do leading into an election campaign. And that's a message that's been picked up by local patoota grove man Harry Rowland Thomas Gregory as well, Errol? -- Yeah, how about the name on that bloke? It's like he's got four dads, mate. -- Yeah, triple-barrelled or quadruple-barrelled? -- Who knows, mate.
So he's a 19-year-old student at the prestigious South Patoota Polytechnic School of Art designed for the directionless fuck-ups of rich people.
And he said that labor is bad for business. And that means they're bad for the economy and bad for people like him, who actually have a go in this life. -- Yes, and as he said to us, and I quote here, the Liberals put the personal responsibility on the person.
You are responsible for your own destiny, not me or the bloke down the street. That's all dad said before he dropped me off at art school. If you want to know more, you can go and see him at work or the golf course. -- Well, the golf course makes sense. I'll tell you what, I don't think that little four names would be too smart if he found his way working at a construction site over summer, getting hit with a length of dog chain every time he puts a bloody broom down window. -- Yeah, he might have a few different things to say, I reckon. -- And moving on to the other side's political launch, and there's been some strong backlash for the opposition leader as he tripped and stumbled on day one, which caused an aged-care resident living off powdered potato mash to be mortified that Albo overshot the employment rate by 1%. -- Now, you're probably across this misstep from the leader of the Labor Party because it was plastered on every front page and news bulletin for 24 hours after it happened, but Albanese wasn't able to name the unemployment rate or the cash rate when he was put on the spot during a morning interview earlier this week. -- Yeah, which probably isn't a good look for a guy with an economics degree who does want to be the next prime minister of the country. -- I know, but he didn't get his university degree from one of those sandstone fuckboy institutions down there in a capital city, did he? Or did he? -- I think he was one of those-- -- Jesus Christ. -- He wasn't a college boy. -- Put him on the fucking scrap heap and get Jim Chalmers in here, mate.
If anyone's gonna beat this fucking Scott Morrison, it's a fucking Queenslander. That's who it is. -- It's gym time.
Yeah, that misstep from Anthony Albanese did draw criticism from quite a few corners, including one upset Pertura Heights grandmother Melody Moon, the 85-year-old who, in between spoonfuls of powdered mashed potatoes and what appeared to be some form of baked beans, said to us, and I quote here, his inability to answer pointless gotcha questions is mortifying. And this is the man that has promised to me that he'll make sure I don't have to die in a destitute state of suffering surrounded by underpaid workers in a for-profit aged-care home eating food that probably wouldn't even meet RSPCA standards. Disgusting. He's lost my vote. -- Some pretty strong comments there.
Anyway, let's go all the way back up north for our next story on the campaign trail, and we have an interesting pitch from Bob Katter. It's quite a long headline, so I might have to pass it to you, Errol. Well, I might actually roll the tape on this one, because he spoke to Clancy during his bi-weekly sit-down earlier this week, so I'll just run the tape now.
Federal elections are not won, they are lost, and that happy clapper from Cronulla is doing his very best to lose this thing, because if Morrison had his head screwed on straight, he'd be focusing on the things that matter, like the fact that cash sales have been limited to 10 grand since Turnbull, which is a big issue for North Queensland Italians, who, like me, are ideologically opposed to letting the bank of the tax man know when to sell a car, a tractor, or a road train full of fruit stone. And while we're on the topic of pushing around honest farmers, let's talk about how there's cattle graziers out there who are forced to protect their fences from seven-foot kangaroos with bullshit post-howard-era peashooter rifles that couldn't blow the froth off a liberal stuffers' cappuccino. And don't get me started on those bloody crocodiles. Ever since they began restrictive native hunting rights from my brother cousins in the Gulf, these bloody louse lizards have been breeding like Irish Catholics and running the waterways from Torres Strait, although they don't have a tutor.
Not sure what else you have to say about that one. Strong, concise, and to the point from the cowboy from Kennedy, very, very hard to argue with what he's saying there. And side note, we do have an interview with Rod Jensen, who's running as Catter's Australian Party candidate up there in the electorate of Leichhardt. That's coming out on Monday. It was a good chat with Clancy and Errol.
So jump on the Deco podcast feed and give it a listen. Yes, Rocket Rod certainly knows how to speak North Queensland English, that's for sure. Definitely worth a listen. He really knows that part of the world and the people there. Tune on in.
Alright, and finishing up with some sports news. And the NRL is set to introduce optional buy rounds for the West Tigers. This is a move I think all fans of God's Winter Game can get around. If you're a Victorian leg tennis aficionado, however, the West Tigers are essentially the Carlton Blues of years gone by. Just lacklustre, useless. Yes, anyone who has inflicted a Tigers game upon themselves this year will understand why this new rule has come in. Simply, if the Tigers aren't feeling like they want to put in more than, say, 50% effort to play a game, they inform the NRL 48 hours ahead of time that they just want the week off and they'll be granted that. The NRL is going to give them up to five games a year off. And essentially it's to stop fans wasting their time and money turning up to watch another team's training run. Obviously very annoying. If you turn up there, you pay your money, you get a couple of beers, turn up to sit on the hill or sit in the stands, and then you're just watching this training run for, say, the Parramatta Reels on Easter Monday. Quite frustrating. I think they probably just could have taken a bit of a gap here and the Jets or the Bears could have come up, had a bit of a dabble in the top leg for a little while, and then maybe the Tigers can get back into business when they're ready to dance with the big boys. Promotion relegation. Bring up the Jets, bring someone up. It's the only way to grow the game. And that's what we all want to do in this country, is grow the game until it's too big for its boots, like the fucking AFL.
Oh, you know. Yeah, that's end goal, isn't it there? Yeah.
Anyway, we'll see how that all plays out, but that's all we've got in terms of the news wrap for you today. Enjoy your Easter break. We hope you're going well. Try not to get into any blues with the In-laws. We'll talk to you soon. Happy Easter. |
Wizards_with_Guns | tv_shows_where_the_detective_has_supernatural_powers | Heh... looks like this photographer isn't the best at... taking head shots. Hahahaha! I just said that a second ago, you all got mad at me. Quiet, rookie!
Let the detective work! Work? He's just... closing his eyes and touching his head. He's been doing this for hours. We need to start... collecting evidence. Do you know who that is? No... Kiff Langstrom, clairvoyant detective.
Ever since he joined the force, he's had 100% prediction success rate. 100%. That's right. Future, future. I see the future. The path is clear. His supernatural gift has helped us close hundreds of cases. Oh, fuck. Whenever he sees into the future, he's never wrong. Everything written in stone, I know what will happen. I know how it ends. I see it all.
What happened? Did we solve the case? Yeah, we don't do this one. What? I'm sorry? Yeah, I solved the future. We don't solve the case. It's, like, literally impossible, so. What?
So give up. You heard him, boys. Pack it up.
Wait, how do you know he's right? He's never wrong. How many times does he predict the case is unsolvable? Probably every case he's ever worked on. He never misses.
And when he says that, you guys just give up, like, immediately? Yep. He saved this precinct millions. The jails have never been emptier. Oh, I'm having another vision. What happens? In the future, we all go to Juan Pancho's, and we all order pinaritas. Yeah. Well.
Are you all serious? His powers are clearly bullshit. We need to investigate, or at least look around. This guy thinks my powers are bullshit.
Yeah, I do. How did he know that? I just said that. No, you never trusted me from the beginning. What? And I know that because I can see into the past, too. Whoa.
That's just remembering. That's just remembering something.
You're not going to last long in this department, pal. What are you wearing? If you wear a sombrero, you get half off pinaritas.
Hold on. We can't leave. We've got to actually do our jobs.
Look. Casey. Wait. Stand down. OK.
These Polaroids. Oh, my god. The victim must have taken photos of the murderer just as he was being killed. Let me see that. In the future, we order taco twisties just for me. Oh, my god.
Not for the table. Is anyone writing this down? Don't write that down.
And then after that, we all go back to my place and we watch Crash. Great. Or we could go back to my house and play games. No, we watch Crash on Blu-ray. That's my prediction. Ah, shoot.
I just got dominoes. You have dominoes? OK, new future. After Juan Panchos, we all go to Keith's house to play dominoes. OK, see, I don't even know how to play dominoes. In the future, I teach you how to play dominoes.
Told you he was good. Come on, boys. We're burning daylight. Let's get out of here.
Woo!
He's driving. I'm going to have problems. He's a real good.
Wow. Straight. That was great. We got it. Ow. |
cracked | an_open_break_up_letter_to_cgi | Hey, babe. Listen.
This has been good. This has been really good.
But we need to talk about us. Now, don't worry. I still want to be with you, CGI. But I can't be with only you. Now, don't go. Let me make my pitch here. When we first got together, it was perfect.
You were fresh. You were exciting. You could be something magnificent like an exploding building or a pack of dinosaurs. You could also be something simple, like a slight change to Kevin Costner's hairline or a single tear running down Jennifer Connelly's cheek. Hell, you could be a water-shaped alien from space or a liquid metal robot from the future that could take any shape and burrow into any orifice you wanted.
But that's part of the problem. It got to the point where when I was with someone else, I was still thinking of you. Turns out that most of the dinosaurs and Jurassic Park are puppets. But I gave you credit for them anyway. When they blew up the White House on Independence Day, we let everyone assume it was you. But no, it was a miniature. Even the crazy dream stuff in Eternal Sunshine and the Spotless Mind was just magic tricks recorded on camera, but everyone assumed it was you. You had infected my heart like a virus. But now you've spread everywhere. And this is where I've started to make mistakes. Because I abandoned the people who really meant something to me, like animatronics and prosthetics.
Remember Lord of the Rings? We had a great time with orc armies and huge lava monsters. But you also let me go off and have intimate moments with makeup to build, you know, a particularly disgusting orc or maybe just a really big nose. And boy, did we ever have fun with that nose. But then later, when we did The Hobbit together, you would let me focus on anything except you. You were the orcs, you were the trees, you were a bird, you were a hobbit sometimes.
Most people don't even know that there were non-CGI orcs on the set of The Hobbit. They don't even know that they looked like they were from a 1980s hair metal band, even though that's awesome.
And then I got cocky. I started feeling like I could do things that no man should try to do. I started exposing parts of me that, if we're gonna be honest, should have stayed buried. You're just too disturbing to live. Take that, bitch. But listen, even you have to admit that you got pretty needy. Remember when we did the Thing remake, and there were all those meticulously crafted puppets, and you came along and covered them all with your own shit? Think you may have been getting kinda insecure? Did you stop to think about how the puppets felt? Or in the expendables when no one even asked you to be there, but you showed up and started rubbing yourself all over the background details like a horny dog with a lobotomy? And when you were making these decisions, it's like you don't even care who you hurt.
You know you made Ian McKellen cry on the set of The Hobbit? Sir Ian McKellen, he's the sweetest old man in the world, and you made him cry.
Where is your heart, CGI? Where is your fucking heart?
That's the problem. You don't have one. That's why no matter how hot the sex is, it's never quite real. Because even when you're making some big grand gesture, it just doesn't feel like you're really there. If we're going to be exclusive, then I need to know that you care about consequences. I need the stuff you do, and the things you say, and the spaceships that you throw through highways to matter. Because you can't level an entire city and have a happy ending, CGI. You just can't. To have a real connection, I need a sense of commitment.
And prosthetics, animatronics, practical effects, they're there for me. When Mad Max Fury Road wanted to show us a guy on a giant speaker truck playing a flame-throwing guitar, they actually built a giant speaker truck and a flame-throwing guitar. When they wanted a Doom car to blast down the desert at 60 miles per hour, they stuck a water-cooled Merlin V8 and some mining equipment and said, Okay, stuntman, go do your thing. Carefully, don't die. That stuff really exists. You can hold it in your hands or flip it over eight times in the desert.
Do you see how that's important? Relationships aren't just about big budgets and pretty colors. They're about putting real human beings in harm's way for incredibly silly reasons. And I know that you feel like you can give me anything, but you can't give me that. And I think you know it.
CGI, I'll always love you. There will always be a place for you in the movie theater of my heart. And if you want to get freaky on an epic establishing shot or a superhero fight, or maybe a lovingly crafted mocap character, I'm down any night of the week, baby. But I can't be exclusive anymore because sometimes I just need to stick my dick in a puppet. Hey, thanks for watching me break poor CGI's heart. Why don't you go into the comments and tell us what the best use of CGI is and maybe make another thread about the worst use of CGI and then those two threads can duke it out and whoever gets the most comments is right. |
SaturdayNightLive | jeffrey_s_3_saturday_night_live | Hi. excuse me. do you guys, uh, care any Dk and Y? ugh. you should be asking yourself for Dk And how, as in, how could I still be cuffing my jeans in the 21st century? Yeah. we're the ones who should be asking Dk and Y: Are you wasting our time? Leave. leave Now.
Oh, come on. just that I don't happen to recognize all the labels in the store. Look, Corky. this is Jeffries. even our labels have their own labels. the Salvador Faragama label is made by Armani. Yeah. we work at Jeffries.
I use five different shampoos for the different hair types in my body. that's my deal. Is that the Hag? Are you talking about my eyebrows? Or my cloth? Your cloth!
Honey, that's my Bumble and Bumble vanilla bean post hair wax finishing cream. Yummy.
Now that that's settled, you officially don't exist, Okay? But I just wanted it. Oh, great. you just triggered the boredom force field. you can't get in. Sorry. fine. I'll go to the men's warehouse. people shouldn't. Yeah, they do. excuse me.
Do you think these pants make my butt look fat? Not at all. your butt looks fat on its own.
What? that is so rude. Look, this is Jeffries. the highest size we carry is zero. unless you're on a steady diet of celery and X-lax, you shouldn't even think of shopping here. Now, why don't you go get that ice cream? you know you want it. I hate this store! that was toxic.
How do you do, gents? I've decided to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet with this place. did you find gentlemen Direct me to the. no. no. come on, fellas. there's no way. No. no. come on, now. no. Come on. No. No. no. Look, I'm hoping you just came from a Live Aid concert. it's the only way my mind can comprehend that jacket you're wearing. What?
This jacket is cool. I've seen on the show Miami Vice. Oh, Miami Vice. hmm. which one were you?
Crockett or Tubbs? hmm. hmm. hmm. hmm. hmm. What are you guys saying? I'm fat? I think the door told you that when you had to walk in, your sideways. perhaps you had more luck shopping at a big and tall store. Or better yet, you could have yourself upholstered. Yeah? well, you should go shop at. a big in my fist, hit in your mouth, store, outlet place. you happy with that? I want you to be kicking yourself in your Dodge Omni on the way home thinking you should have said something remotely clever. really? let me bring you guys on to something. the 80s are biz-ac. yeah. just to let you know, I don't drive a Dodge Omni. I take the bus here. and my mother picks me up at the bus stop. checkmate, ding-dongs, bang! Omni 5000. whatever. Okay.
I can't believe there's so many people in here that aren't us. I wish they'd just clone us so we'd have someone more acceptable to look at.
I am pooped. I'm exhausted. I could just take a nap in one of those space pillows, those Brookstone little things. Yeah. stressed my spine out a little bit. yeah. gentlemen. Oh. hold on.
Hello. look at that ancient cell phone he's got. look at how big it is. Please, big is the new small. Cami Diaz has a phone twice this big.
Oh. what? Oh, I like that. hmm. Grand. we'll see you then. Chloe Savigny. Savigny? that's how you pronounce it. Yeah. it's unveiling.
Justine Bateman's new full line at a barbecue at her loft. you two, grab a car service, I'll meet you there. Are you sure you don't want to go with us? No, I'm taking my Prada jet pack. I'll probably beat you there. |
dropout | periods_aren_t_that_gross | Hey boys, how's it going fellas? We're here to talk to you about our bodies.
More specifically, what goes on during that time of the month. You know, when anti-flow comes to visit. When the old red ribbon is hanging on the door. Shock week. The blob riding the cotton pony to blood town.
Our periods! Because they're really not that big of a deal. Here are some facts. From adolescence until middle age, the majority of women have their period once a month. The bleeding generally lasts for between three to five days and produces about this much blood per hour. Fine, right? Literally every woman you know does this. Periods are a totally healthy, normal thing. In fact, the only threat to a woman's health during their period is that all the blood in the toilet will attract snakes and alligators that live in the sewers up the pipes. And this honestly happens so often that you just get used to it.
That's why women go to the bathroom in groups. To fight off the gators. It's also why our purses are so big.
Biologically, women menstruate because instead of having a liver or kidneys, we each have a powerful demon that lives inside of us. That's why we can't drink as much as you boys. The demon lives on blood so we drain ourselves of it monthly so it can't get too powerful and plunge the world into a terrible hellscape of our own making. The demon lets our bodies know when we have to start bleeding by giving us cramps and making us super grumpy for just like a couple days. It's totally natural, so get used to it.
Here's some myths that you may have been told. Myth. You can't have sex on your period. Not true. You just have to be careful of the teeth. Myth. Tampons make you lose your virginity. The only thing that makes you lose your virginity is sex. This is just a thing to stop the blood that would otherwise pour out of us so fast that we'd be floating off the ground like a ball in a fountain. Myth. Period blood can be used to stop forest fires. This isn't true.
You're thinking of water. So dudes, now that you have all the facts, let's just chill out with all of the period comments. Because it's totally natural and it's totally normal. And it happens to me.
And me.
And it's not going to stop just because you hate it. Oh and one more thing.
Sometimes you shit during your period and the toilet is just like a huge pool of blood and shit just floating around in there together. And mixing up like a big old tea cocktail of bodily waste. Oh yeah, that part of it is pretty gross. |
TheOnion | Dems_Praise_Biden_As_Only_Candidate_Able_To_Talk_To_Americans_Like_The_Slack_Jawed_Dumdums_They_Are | He's the man Democrats have chosen to take on President Trump come November, but just what was Joe Biden's secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former VP was able to unite party support by treating voters like the stupid slack-jawed dum-dums they know they are.
And later, could breast milk be turning the nation's babies into toddlers?
An OPR investigation sinks its teeth in and sucks out the truth. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. We've got all the news you need to prepare yourself for a long day of fucking around instead of working from home, so stay with us.
Now that the Democratic primary is coming to an end, political insiders are breaking down just how former Vice President Joe Biden was able to win the nomination in such a handedly fashion. And now a new poll from Monmouth University suggests that the elder statesman surged at the front of the pack so easily because he was the only candidate able to effectively talk down to the American people like the slack-jawed dum-dums they really are. When he called that one voter a dog-faced pony soldier for asking him a question, I was like, yes, Joe Biden understands that the American people are all dumb donkeys and don't want a candidate willing to engage with them on any ideological or philosophical level. That's when I knew I was voting for him. For more on why the Democratic primary shook out the way it did, we're joined now by OPR political correspondent Dirk Mullins.
Hello Dirk. Hi Leslie.
Tell us about this new poll. Well, it lays out a clear picture that Joe Biden was able to galvanize the Democratic party by initially talking to them like they were imbeciles unworthy of sharing the same room with him. Take for instance an early encounter in Iowa when he called a voter a quote, damn liar during a town hall. And then, shortly thereafter, he flat out told a voter to vote for someone else if they didn't like him. And don't forget when he told that one auto worker in Detroit that he was full of shit when the voter tried questioning him. Right, the poll found that the American people wanted to be a part of a political process that is consistently insulting to them, and Joe Biden offered them that path. Once he developed that baseline understanding, only then were voters more able to be open to his ideas, which they found comfortingly vague and forgettable. So basically what you're saying is people were drawn to the same old bullshit. Definitely. The poll made it clear that Joe Biden understood that the American voters' mental capacity was low and basically dripping with inferiority, so he made sure to condescend to them and insult them both directly and indirectly at all times. And this political playbook worked to a T. Take this supporter, for example, who I met at a campaign rally in Michigan earlier this year. Listen, I want a candidate who sees me and the millions of other Americans for the goddamn morons we are. And that candidate is Joe Biden.
He knows that I don't want policies that are more than my little noodle brain can handle. Plus, when he lowers his voice and does that little fake soft speak to pretend like he cares about bringing the country together, it speaks right to the dense part of me that finds that bullshit genuine.
And did you consider any other candidates? No, because when they talked, it made me think too much. But when Joe spoke, I could just zone out, start thinking about what I'm going to eat for dinner. Interesting.
I know I never really think about Joe Biden, which makes my small piss brain feel better and more at ease. Exactly. Americans want a president they don't have to think about. And the poll found they could envision themselves never thinking about Biden on a weekly or even monthly basis. Whereas with Trump, he's on your brain every fucking day. And with some other Democratic candidate, like a Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren, they would require you to pay too much attention to too many policy changes and requests for political participation. Ugh, God, you're right. People prefer to barely know who the president is. Absolutely. And many other Biden supporters I spoke with felt the same way.
Have a listen. I knew I was voting for Biden after I went up to him at a town hall and I asked him, do you have a plan for tackling climate change? Then he looked me right in the eye and reminded me that I'm an idiot who doesn't want to think about climate change or confront my role in it. Then he called me a dumb asshole and told me to go lick my cousin's dick. I like Joe. And how about you, ma'am? Yeah, um, I like that Biden doesn't insult my intelligence by pretending I'm smart and I'm actually seeking change. I'm dumb as horseshit and so are all my family, friends and neighbors. Joe Biden understands America. Sir, please quit licking my microphone.
What? This ain't ice cream?
So this leads me to ask, Dirk, what happened with candidates like Bernie Sanders who flamed out fast and quick early in the primaries after a promising start? Why couldn't he reach voters like the ones you talked to? The poll found that he never really connected with a wide swath of voters and, of course, in order to win a primary, you have to convince a large amount of morons to vote for you, not just young lunatics. Lesson learned for Sanders, something to remember for next time.
Thanks for the report, Dirk. Sure thing. OPR's Dirk Mullins, back in a moment. Here at OPR, we felt like today might be a good day to take a step back and discuss something we haven't heard much about lately.
That's right, it's the coronavirus. And in recent weeks, health officials have managed to pinpoint the disease outbreak to a wet market in Wuhan, China. And now they've gone a step further. Thanks to some complex contact tracing, scientists believe they can say with relative certainty that the coronavirus originated in one particularly promiscuous bat.
Here with the details is OPR's Marci Hammonds. Hi, Marci. Hi, Leslie.
Experts say an exceptionally unchaste four-year-old horseshoe bat with zero standards is responsible for spreading the coronavirus during the early stages of the pandemic. They claim the cave-dwelling libertine got around a lot. Like a lot-a-lot. Here's Dr. Katherine Fisher, an epidemiologist at the CDC. Even taking into account the fact that bats are non-monogamous, our findings indicate that this bat was kind of a tramp. Mated with hog-nosed bats, fruit bats, flying foxes, you name it, this bat banged it. And I want to emphasize that we're not trying to slut-shame, but this is an international health crisis, and the public deserves to know the truth. Wow, sounds like the little guy was a slut even by bat standards. He sure is. And top U.S. health officials agree, pointing out that as long as this bat was out fucking anything it could find, all the advanced preparation and preventative measures in the world couldn't have stopped this outbreak. This skank is really the one to blame here. So what can scientists tell us about this flappy little fuckboy beyond the fact that it was a vector for the coronavirus? Well, according to experts, COVID-19 may be the least of this bat's problems. Here's Dr. Fisher again. This flying floozy did not practice safe sex in any capacity, which is crazy considering all the nasty stuff it probably picked up. We know for a fact that it didn't wear a condom, so it was out there for weeks, raw-dogging anything with a pulse, even while it was showing symptoms of COVID-19. Again, no judgment on the amount of fucking, we're just upset about the disregard for the health and safety of the colony. So this bat was getting nasty all up and down the cave system.
That's correct. You'd think it would have used the skin on its wing as a makeshift dental dam. That's what I would do. It's really thin.
Yeah, there's really no excuse for this bat's reckless behavior. Now, has the CDC said what steps they intend to take now that they've identified those responsible for the original spread of coronavirus? Well, Dr. Fisher says the bat has been ordered to self-quarantine, which they hope will both flatten the curve and keep it from getting any other bats pregnant. Because according to Dr. Fisher, a bunch of pregnant bats is the last thing we need during a pandemic. They're also expecting to provide more guidance later this week for any college students who may have come into contact with the bat during spring break.
Wow. Well, we'll be sure to check back with you on this.
Thank you, Marcy. Thank you, Leslie. That's OPR's Marcy Hammond.
It's a low-whispering voice that calls you outside in the middle of the night without your mask on. We've all heard it. But today, health officials are warning this alluring voice could be the coronavirus. For more on how we can continue to flatten the curve despite this voice calling us to come out and play, is OPR's Chief Medical Correspondent, Jenna Resnick.
Good morning, Jenna. Hi, Leslie.
Now, of course, everyone is eager to get on with our normal routines again, but it seems like maybe we jumped the gun a bit here. What can you tell us about this report?
Well, today, the Center for Disease Control put out a statement reminding citizens to not let their guards down and to continue not answering the bewitching call of any voices right outside our windowsill. And how will you know if it's the voice of the coronavirus or just the callings of a dead family member or long lost lover? To clarify, the CDC released captured audio of the coronavirus' call, which could sometimes sound like this.
Come with me, my son. It's okay not to wash your hands. Come with me to the movie theater. Come with me to Applebee's.
Or even sometimes like this. Come to the grocery store and cough on the cans. Lick a stranger.
But the CDC did acknowledge that the voice could come in other forms, like a song sung by school children or through the cries of a widowed hag. So advised Americans to assume all voices billowing in through the cracks of your home is the novel virus. Well, that is a little different, right? Because last week, the CDC said this restriction only applies to voices that used your own name and spoke of your most inner desires. For example, the other night I heard a voice telling me to go walk down the sidewalk and put all my neighbors' doorknobs in my mouth. So I did it because the whispers never once used my name or mentioned my most inner desire to have Kathy Najimy slap me naked and raw with dead fish. So you're telling me now that I shouldn't have done that? Well, according to the CDC, you could have actually been tricked by the coronavirus. So any and all voices coming to you during the enchanted mood telling could be COVID-19. Well if every voice burrowing into your psyche late at night could be contagious, how can our listeners protect themselves?
I had the same question, so I spoke to CDC Deputy Director Rafael Cady. Here's Rafael.
We highly recommend bolting your door with several heavy locks and pushing a dinner table or piano in front of it in order to stop yourself from running outside at the voice's beguiling call. And some people have reported simply stuffing all orifices with garlic heads and clothes has successfully staved off any coronavirus spirits. Are there any groups at a particularly high risk? Reporting suggests that those above the age of 50 are up to four times more likely to hear the echoing refrain of their long lost sweetheart, but even those as young as 12 can be afflicted. During their press conference, the CDC played a chilling audio file from a young girl's room to show that the voices of the coronavirus do not discriminate. Take a listen.
It's Mr. Nuts, the hamster.
I miss you. Why didn't you ever come visit me after I choked on a wood chip and daddy flushed me down the toilet? Maybe I'm in your neighbor's toilet.
What a crafty pathogen. I know if it was me, I'd be knee deep in a septic tank looking for Mr. Nuts as we speak. That's why the CDC wants Americans to be on guard until this pandemic relents. Don't be fooled or you'll wake up in your driveway one morning covered in sweat with a fever of 102 licking every surface around you. Sound advice and some advice I should take as someone who's been waking up every morning with my wet tongue on a new surface that doesn't belong to me.
Thanks for the report, Jenna. You bet. That's OPR's Jenna Resnick.
In trying times such as these, it's important to remember that even in the face of all this, we at least still have the news. Here's what else you need to know today.
Republican politicians across Capitol Hill are ridiculing Democrats for caring about sexual assault as little as they do. Conservative Congress members and surrogates alike all mused at how fascinating it was that despite billing themselves as so high and mighty on the issue, Democrats were willing to overlook credible sexual assault testimony for their own gain, noting that they are all, quote, just as cynically power hungry as we are.
And New York is officially shutting down the city's subway system overnight to disinfect the rats. Mayor Bill de Blasio announced the new sanitation measures at a press conference today, stating that the closures will continue to take place each night until every rat in the subway tunnels is properly scrubbed and cleaned.
And Kansas has unveiled a new 50,000 square foot bless this mess border mat to welcome those entering and exiting the state. Kansas representatives are hopeful that the 1.5 million dollar welcome mat will not only match the state's farmhouse chic style, but also bring good homey vibes to anyone who visits.
Well that's it for the topical today, I'm Leslie Price. And look, I didn't want to say anything earlier, but one of you out there listening really needs to start thinking about showering more regularly. Look, I know we're all stuck at home, and I didn't want to embarrass you in front of everyone at the top of the show, but you were stinkin' it up the whole podcast and now it's kinda lingering. So before you come back and listen to tomorrow's episode, how about taking a bath, huh? And keep doing it at least every other day, because gah, god damn. Anyway thanks for listening, we'll see you right back here tomorrow.
Whoo! Damn! I gotta open a window. |
cracked | 5_secret_dark_implications_in_disney_movies_yboc_finding_nemo_lion_king | Oh my god, I did it, I turned myself into an Irish cartoon that can't take all Dr. Jordan Brady to jail if he's not even real. Oh shit, looks like I'm real again and looks like we're in a terminator situation where my lab code didn't travel between dimensions. Anyway, looks like you're watching another normal-ass live action episode of Your Brain on Crack that is sometimes accused of being too animated as is and the only show on crack still technically maintaining a subtle background story about how I cut a dude's head off and then later escaped from jail. So today, I'll honestly just straight up illegally diagnose.
Remember when Disney movies were filled with nothing but joy and childlike wonder until those six satists at Pixar came in and started murdering the barren wives of old men for our not quite amusement? Yeah, you forgot about her being unable to bear children, didn't you? Well, anyway, Disney movies were depressing long before Pixar showed up.
They were just a little better at sneaking it in the background. If you remember one scene from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, it's probably the one where the villainous Judge Doom dips an adorable cartoon shoe into some cartoon killing acid called the Dip, which is very effective. It's a scene I've been trying to delete from my mind for well over a decade and before you leave a comment note, Jessica Rabbit's boobs doesn't count as a scene.
But how could this legendarily tragic moment be any worse? I mean, did Judge Doom also force Mr. Shoe's wife onto Doom's sweaty bare feet after killing her husband? Or did he tie Shoe's children's laces together, crippling them for life? Actually, it's worse. Way worse!
Think back to the only other times we see cartoon characters die in this movie. In a scene that looks like the guy from The Raid directed a Three Stooges short, protagonist Eddie Valiant kills a bunch of Doom's henchmen weasels by literally making them laugh themselves to death. Thankfully, the weasels apparently manage to get right with God because from their corpses rise ghostly angels that flit away to heaven. However, when Eddie kicks another weasel in the ball so hard it flies into a vat of Doom's acid there's no angel. The same thing happens to Doom, a closeted cartoon, when he himself gets the acid treatment.
This is also true of the Shoe. Last long day, Shoe, hey boss.
Surely that innocent clog was more worthy of Jesus' embrace than a couple of literal weasels and a guy with the last name, Doom. Surprise! The implication here is that Doom's sludge burns away not only a cartoon's body but their freakin' soul. It's like reading a Harry Potter book for a Seventh Day Adventist. And because we've seen two different weasel face, we know it's not a morality thing.
It's not like the Shoe knocked boots with his brother's wife or something. Without acid, the Shoe would have become an angelic Air Jordan, floated off to the great footlocker in the sky. In the arms of... But he doesn't. So the only other explanation I can think of is that the acid doesn't kill cartoons so much as it dissipates their still-conscious molecules, which now live in perpetual agony at the bottom of that barrel for eternity, kind of like the friggin' pig head that melts down the drain. That poor murdered Shoe is burning in hell one way or another.
I just don't believe it. I won't believe it. I can't believe it.
You know what? Screw it. I actually do want to talk about some messed up Pixar movies that snuck some terror in through the back door. No.
See, the world of cars is pretty much exactly like our own, but with one key difference. Humanity has been replaced by sentient cars who murdered the ozone layer with every breath. Other than that, same shit.
Sarge is an army jeep who was built for war. Or born for war. Or bread? For war?
Specifically World War II. When I'm finished with you, you'll have k***ing places you didn't know you had. His primary purpose was slashing the tires and fuel lines of German panzers, and according to the Blu-ray extras, Sarge just loves talking about us World War II days. Like the time his tank friend lost his track in the Battle of the Bulge and Sarge had to tow him his safety. But that means that even the battles in cars are the same. Sarge's license plate refers to the year of the Pearl Harbor attack, the same year that America officially became part of the war effort and presumably drafted most males with at least 18,000 miles on them. The 60s weren't good to you, were they? Apart from the fact that it was fought entirely by motor vehicles, everything about World War II appears to be exactly the same, which very strongly implies that all of the atrocities also happened, but to cute cars instead. That means Nazi Volkswagens rounding up poor innocent opals and sending them to the scrap heap, vintage Massas, their paint still scarred with radiation burns some 60 years after the Nagasaki and Hiroshima bombings.
I mean, even airplanes are sentient in this universe, which means some of them personally drop those bombs. I mean, picture it, cutesy, cartoon bombers all screwed up inside trying to drink away the screams and failing, always failing. After that, I just couldn't bring myself to fly again.
So don't be surprised if Cars 4 sports an oblique reference to Russian gas trucks interfering in national elections or a global pandemic exacerbated by Ford F-150s refusing to replace their air filters or whatever. And that might sound a bit dark for a kid's movie, but Disney has to keep the world of Cars internally consistent, or I will complain about it... again. The 40s had Pearl Harbor and the Great Cars War, and the 60s had the JFK assassination, but the 90s had that time Disney killed a cartoon lion.
A whole generation of children developed an irrational fear of antelope hooves thanks to Mufasa's brutal death scene in The Lion King, though it is unclear if he died from the trampoline or if maybe his internal organs were squished by the fall itself, or if maybe just the claw wounds became infected on his paw and he died several months later all alone in a hospital bed in Zimbabwe or something. Whatever the case, that's the last we ever see of Mufasa, discounting his brief return as a giant sky ghost to give his son Simba a pep talk. You have failed me for the last time. And while Mufasa's death kick-starts Simba's journey towards becoming a king and kick-started many 90s kids' downward spirals into alcoholism and substance abuse, Simba never really gets any final closure. We never see Simba bury the body, though to be fair it's not like Lionpaws are very good at digging proper graves. Bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it, right? By the time Simba does return, he either refuses to go look for his father's mangled skeleton or he's blocked out the memory of where it all went down.
I mean, as far as the audience knows, Mufasa is now gazelle shit. But of course, there's another explanation for what might have happened to Mufasa's remains. How long do you think that Mufasa's big, meaty, juicy lion carcass was able to lay baking in the sun in a land that's now run by hyenas, you know, the same hyenas Mufasa had forced to starve? See, if there's one thing that hyenas love more than eating dead things, it's dismembering lions, and you can find plenty of evidence of that online if you don't mind looking at animal gore, which is kind of where I draw the line, weirdly, so.
Here's some human gore! Ew! Growth! Oh, Jesus Christ! There's like a very high chance that Mufasa's bloated corpse became lunch for Whoopi Goldberg.
It is the point of all of my videos. All of my videos have been building to this point.
As for the non-edible parts of his body, well, it might not be a coincidence that we later see Mufasa's trusted visor get trapped in a rib cage that's suspiciously close to the size of a lion's torso, like specifically Mufasa's lion torso. I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, dee-dee-dee. I mean, if you think about it, this would be kind of like if Joe Biden forced Mike Pence to live in a tent made out of Trump's skin behind the White House, so there's an image for the rest of your week. Don't know anything but that.
While I'm sure Finding Nemo's friendly pelican Nigel has tons of other friends the creatures he seems closest to are the fish in the dentist's office. He just loves flying in, talking shop, and catching up on all the juicy gossip about who's trying to bang that puffer fish, who could fill all your holes, all your crevices. But in general, Nigel just seems like a super nice guy. I mean, he agrees to help Marlin and Dory bust Nemo out of dentist's jail instead of, you know, like ripping them thin from thin like any other pelican.
However, unbeknownst to Nigel and Marlin, Nemo was already planning an escape of his own. When Nigel and Marlin arrive, they see Nemo floating upside down and looking for all the world like a dead-ass fish. Of course, Nemo was only faking it so he'd get flushed down the toilet in the sweet stinky freedom, but Nigel doesn't know that. What did I miss in my life? And while Marlin eventually reunites with Nemo, Nigel never learns the truth. Discounting a short cameo in the credits, which is probably not canon because birds can't breathe underwater, the last time we see Nigel, he's telling Marlin in a very Jeffery Rush voice, I'm so sorry Marlin. Not you, we named the monkey. Marlin.
It's pretty clear Nigel blames himself for the botched rescue attempt. He didn't get there in time and now a child is dead, you know, because it's Disney and everything's a child. And it gets worse. In the final scene of the movie, the rest of the fish at the dentist's office also managed to escape. The next time Nigel returns to say hey to his friends, they'll all be gone. As far as Nigel knows, that satanic girl with a brace is murdered every single one of them. Because we never see Nigel again, I mean he's not in Finding Dory, it's safe to assume he never learns the fate of any of those fish and simply goes on believing he's responsible for all of their deaths. Yeah, reckon somebody ought to help the poor guy. Nigel probably ends his life a few years later by drinking himself into a stupor and drowning in the Pacific Ocean. I cannot wait for the Disney Plus original Finding Nigel's waterlogged cadaver washed up on the shore.
Coco is about a kid named Miguel who wants to play mariachi music more than anyone on earth has ever wanted literally anything and is willing to die for a chance to jam on a nylon-stringed acoustic in an El Pollo loco somewhere. Yes, the old ways are still best. Unfortunately, his attempts to play result in him being cursed and taken to the afterlife and the good news is that he can escape as long as he receives a blessing from one of his deceased relatives. So after meeting one who asks for him to stop playing music, to which Miguel obviously chooses no, send me to more deathscape, Miguel meets a guy named Hector who will take him to see another one of his relatives but only if Miguel agrees to bring a photograph of Hector back to the land of the living with him.
Nope. See, the way the afterlife works in Coco is that dead people are allowed to visit the land of the living on the day of the dead but only if their family has put up a photograph of them. And this is a rule that only exists in the movie, by the way. So like, don't be worried that that photo of Graham Graham on the mantle is actually a fully functioning portal to hell or whatever. You don't think that, do you?
Hector's family doesn't appear to have any photographs of Hector and he's afraid his daughter will forget him and he'll disappear completely. And that's a sweet-ish way of looking at how the afterlife works, as long as it's the modern day or you're super rich. Nowadays our phones alone can revive every random stranger that we've met in a bar in the last 10 years, but even just 100 years ago, photographs were expensive as hell. And family photos were only common for the fancy upper class. And even when a family was able to scrape together enough money to purchase a photograph of a loved one, there wasn't really a way to produce tons and tons of copies. So Coco, if you lose that one photograph, your relative is banished for eternity. I mean, if your clumsy kid actually drops it somewhere, goodbye forever Aunt Brenda! And how did it all work before photographs were invented?
I mean, were the dead trapped forever or could they be summoned via painting? And did it have to be a lifelike painting or could you just enter the land of the living with a drawing that somebody scribbled on a napkin at Burger King? Because even these days, a realistic portrait will set you back like $15,000. So basically, no matter how you look at it, through most of history, the Day of the Dead was a celebration of rich dead people. Dead poor people needed to just accept that they never get to see their living children and or grandchildren again, unless they happen to become the protagonist of a Pixar film and only then a very rare kind of Pixar film because you're way more likely to be a war veteran, car or a deformed director set baby.
I don't believe that man's ever been to medical school. Yeah, all right, so covered alcoholism, the Holocaust and multiple instances of eternal damnation, that felt like a pretty good spread for an episode about kids movies. It doesn't seem like I'm ever going to be animated again, so I guess I'll just dunk my hand here in this cup of dip.
I'm not dead. I'm merely badly disfigured. |
dropout | the_ice_cream_truck_disaster | So, as you may have heard, Plum is running for president. Tell them, baby. We want dessert. That's right. So to get the word out there, we're going to get the dessert out there. Ah, scream, you scream. We all scream for Plum for president.
Hey, where are all the students? It's 11 a.m. They don't get out until 3. That's like two hours. So I was waiting around.
I ain't had nothing else to do. My phone died playing Crossy Road. So I figured, why not treat myself to a little ice cream myself? Oh, man. Chipwish.
That's like my favorite sandwich. Choco taco. That's like my favorite taco. Rainbow snow cream.
That's like, I don't have this. But then, all of a sudden, we ran straight out. Seriously? I didn't even eat that much.
Hey, ice cream. I want some. Me too. Um, yeah, um, this ain't a type of ice cream truck. What's got ice cream in it, so. What kind is it? God, this truck, um, takes you to get ice cream, yeah, yeah.
That's why I climb aboard, everybody. Climb aboard, come on. Next up, ice cream town.
But then, as luck would fuck me, I didn't have my keys. Oh, shit. Now I gotta lock myself out. Shit on me. And, um, lock them little kids in. Oh, fuck a bag.
What's going on? It's cold in here. Listen, I'm going to need you kids to stay calm. I'll figure out a way to break this window before y'all freeze a day. Freeze to death.
This woman had sex with a 16-year-old boy.
Ma'am, are you even allowed on school premises? For the 11th time, it's legal in the Mississippi. I am not a sexual predator. Help! Shut the fuck up or no one get in that life!
So, monologue, all them kids will sign an ice cream truck. Mm-hmm, but to find out what happened next, you got to sign up for the truck out.
It's a premium ad-free, uncensored comedy platform from the people what do call it humor. It's just like Netflix, except it's Kevin Spacey. |
cracked | why_the_board_game_guess_who_is_getting_more_racist_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hi Internet, I'm Daniel O'Brien and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, a show that is obsessed with pop culture. And then disorder is the other part of the title. Today's episode wonders.
Now I know what you're thinking, and you're right. Guess who is racist? But not just because it's a board game that trains kids to systematically group and then eliminate people based on physical similarities. Is it me? Is it you? No!
Recently, I found myself running a Google image search of Bernard from Guess Who because I wanted to prove that the sad, aggressively Russian-looking board game character bared a striking resemblance to celebrated British actor-comedian Stephen Fry. Google didn't have an image that was clear enough to support my point, so I went out and bought a copy of the game, because doctors think I have a rare form of sociopathy that makes me value obscure pop culture artifacts more than interactions with people. As it turns out, new versions of Guess Who come with updated characters, so the modern Bernard is no longer the clinically depressed, undeniably Stephen Fry-esque character that I remember from the 90s.
In fact, he's lost anything that makes him seem even vaguely foreign at all. They even got rid of his cold winter fez and replaced it with just a boring, casual white guy hat.
This made me wonder what else was different about Guess New. So I dug a little bit deeper and recalled the character of Anne from my youth. It was always a drag to pick Anne, not because I was racist as a kid or as a semi-adult now, but because if my opponent said, is your character anything other than white, I was out of the game. Imagine my surprise then when I found out a few decades later that Guess Who replaced the only non-white character in the game with this. Guess Who? More like Guess Who's coming to dinner, and actually, no, more like Guess Who's not coming to dinner because the movie had at least one black person and the game doesn't have any. Times change. It was invented in the 70s when a certain degree of casual racism was accepted. But here's the thing, those other games and shows got less racist as time went on. Did the makers of Guess Who look around at all the other 60s and 70s throwback games cleaning up to be more progressive in PC and just say, fuck it, we're going to go the other way on this?
I don't think they did. I don't think that Guess Who got racist.
I just think that they, like a lot of other shows, went crazy with a political correction because black people weren't the only things that disappeared in the new version. There were a lot of characters that, in the traditional version, were clearly miserable. But now, in the modern version, everyone is just psyched to be there. They're all thrilled and happy all the time, and I don't think it's because they finally got rid of all that black person. The makers were so worried about offending anyone that they just decided to make all the characters look the same, like a bunch of Stepford wives. They wanted the faces to reflect, and everything's fine, message to the kids playing at home.
Kids could no longer ask, is your character the sad one? Does your character look like it's about to cry all the time? Because we all die in the end? Now, it's forcing kids to ask, are you the happy one, or are you the really fucking happy one?
There's no sadness, there's no depth, there's no reality, no edge, no rawness, just a bunch of identical looking white people feeling and looking safe, grinning maniacally like it's a friggin Kanye West show. Boom! So, my conclusion is that Guess Who is racist, and also the opposite of racist. And also, Stepford wives. And also, Kanye West's Something Something?
It's bad, it's a bad show. Other episodes will be better. Um, anyway, that's it for this bad episode.
Tune in next week when our topic will be the deal with Stormtroopers, and specifically, what is it? I've been your host, Daniel O'Brien, and I'm sorry for ruining Guess Who. For... Who-ening Guess Roo?
Nope. Not a joke to be had. I'm not doing it, do your own videos. Do you have any idea who my father is? No, screw this, screw it. I don't want these nerds subscribing to our channel.
You do it! What's... What's that? Okay. Alright, you and me, we're racing. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_an_nft_non_enthusiast | Most people don't get the art because most people are not up there in the Maslow's pyramid The final step on the pyramid is crypto punks and bored apes. All right, let me just put this in here NFTs, so first they said it's an advancement in technology that will fundamentally change the way we interact as a society now It's JPEGs of monkeys with hats. I mean Yeah, I own one, but I don't take it too seriously. No, no, they will hold their value, but ETH will bump No, I do hold ETH.
They say that this year is the year crypto will find adoption They say that every year but this year is different So actually a smart contract you can do way more than just mint NFTs custom rules touring complete Not that we do. ERC721. Yes, but we actually use ERC1155 on Ethereum. It's different on Solana. Everyone makes their own rules now Technology, innovation, much more open than the traditional finance system. Millions of different APIs You can bypass legal restrictions, bypass securities law or directly go to the creator. It's still kind of legal though I don't really see the art in Screenshotting a tweet, but I'm also not a crypto millionaire.
So what do I know?
We did issue a few collections, you know, just to learn more about it Multi-chain, not that we care but some people bought in not that we care We generated an entire collection and it looks just like any other not that we care now It's our main business model. Before that we were SaaS fixing dockers. We just introduced the new DeFi protocol Here's our rainbow paper. Dogecoin? Yeah, hold a bit just to diversify the portfolio. Nope of my humor Well, many people don't know is that there are different chains out there polka dot, polygon, EOS, Solana, Solana Polkadot, Roxana, Cordana.
They're literally spawning while I'm talking No, seriously. I Have a script running foundation.
What are you talented?
We could spend our collective time building real-world use cases on the blockchain democratizing finance giving the less privileged access using it to track information Or we could just trade JPEGs of monkeys bored monkeys with hats I mean I do own one philosophy is about what should be happening economics is about what is happening NFTs is about what shouldn't be happening. Yes good to redistribute wealth A lot of people making money in web3 are reinvesting it back into the industry It's sort of an industry for itself make the rich richer and the artists So first you pay an artist to draw images then you pay for a generation service Then you pay someone to write a smart contract then you spend a thousand on deploying it. GOA is high. GOA is quite low Let's maybe have a break and part of that is used to pay for services that burn energy Part of it is directly burned the cost of innovation Then you create a website that people can mint their NFTs on they pay you fees They pay the transaction cost then they list it on open C. They pay open C They pay transaction cost then somebody buys it and pays transaction costs Then they shill it on reddit Twitter media Twitter some sketchy internet blog a Twitter scam medium article a medium scan a discord server 4chan and what can I say finally someone buys it and Pays transaction costs and all of this just to have monkeys on your phone. This one's mine Not that I care but it's way more than that under the hood the economic implications the societal implications post scarcity I see it this way you could list an artwork at an auction pay people to certify its validity pay for safe Transport pay for maintenance pay for safe storage or you could just sell a picture of the NFT But that's of course not how it's used its main use monkeys with hats bored monkeys with hats But hey, they have different colors while paper is only green. ETH will drop. Bitcoin will drop. I mean I do hold both. HODL Is this a serious interview higher liquidity automated market-making yield farming, Texas? I see innovative ways to make money I see innovative ways to make money and a prettier language and a better community and deaf environment than JavaScript JavaScript But it's way more than that building community without revealing identity bragging without proximity new asset class Allocating value without corrosion easier artist exposure artists Space for exploration space for technological innovation new ways to relate online global community all those people in their basements connected better way of showing your support for an artist or a Cause or your bank account not that I do social tokens utility tokens Antisocial tokens antisocial social tokens is all there empower creativity Decentralized investment opportunities ease access to funding empower innovation or board apes and crypto punks |
TheOnion | Colorado_Boy_Asks_Nation_Not_To_Find_His_Missing_Little_Brother | The entire nation has been transfixed by the emotional saga of missing toddler, Aaron Crawford. Police in Hartfield, Colorado remain baffled by four-year-old Aaron's mysterious disappearance. The Crawford family is finally speaking out, but it isn't easy. We're taking it day by day, you know? We just miss our baby so much.
My brother broke my Spider-Man. I hope he's dead. This must be so hard on everyone. All he does is cry. I hate him.
Little Aaron was last seen in the bedroom he shares with his older brother, Denny. Authorities say he was abducted by an intruder in the middle of the night. Denny was in the room when Aaron was taken. Yeah, right here. And that was just my room. Denny, can you tell us what happened? I was in my room. A man lifted up the window and came in.
Were you scared? Yes, because I thought he was going to take my Xbox. But then he grabbed Aaron's head and I was like, yes. What happened next? I waited until the next morning so that the man could get far enough away that Aaron would never come back.
Rescuers all over the Hartfield area have volunteered in the search for baby Aaron, combing the woods behind the Crawford residence for any clues. Even young Denny is helping. He's got blonde hair, blue eyes. He's so stupid, he can't even read. As the community bands together for support, the Crawfords are doing their best to stay positive.
Can we see my brother? Please don't tell anyone. But their lives haven't been the same since Aaron's disappearance. I haven't slept in weeks. I just want to know he's okay. I don't have to go to school anymore.
My friend, Alex, is allowed to sleep over whenever he wants. And, Miles just had to cook sweet pizza every meal.
It's just like it was before that stupid baby was born. Family members describe Aaron as a smart, curious little boy who loved to laugh and had a smile that could light up a room. Aaron was just a few days away from his fourth birthday when he was taken.
Yeah, people are still bringing presents, but now they're all for me. Are you going to get Skylanders? I asked for them.
Do you have anything you want to say to the person who took Aaron? Yeah, why would you do that? He's so dumb. And you can't bring him back because he's your little brother now. Hartfield Police have released a sketch of the alleged kidnapper. Whoever you are, you've made one little boy very happy. |
cracked | 5_famous_actors_that_keep_landing_weirdly_specific_roles_yboc_scarlett_johansson_ryan_reynolds | It's literally the only possible explanation for how the first live-action Pokemon movie was an adaptation of an obscure game where a guy's soul inhabits the body of a Pikachu who talks and looks kinda like Ryan Reynolds. Although, to be fair, that last part is actually not that crazy because Reynolds, for some reason, is always swapping bodies. It all seems to have started in 2000 with Bolt Neck, a horror comedy starring Reynolds as a dead dude who's reanimated with the brain of a murderer. It's basically Frankenstein, only instead of exploring the themes of sentience, parenthoods, and nature vs. nurture, it's just Reynolds exploring the theme of beating annoying teenagers to death, which, you know, let's not dismiss offhand. Maybe there's something to that. I mean, they laughed at Galileo, too. Reynolds 2011 movie, the change-up, was similarly themed, but perhaps a little bit less dignified as it involved Reynolds switching bodies with Jason Bateman after they both wished they had each other's lives while pissing into a public fountain.
Come on. Well, it snapped. Fun fact, this was also the original pitch for the first Freaky Friday, which was originally conceived as a fetish porno. Oh god, this is good.
In 2015, Reynolds starred in Self Slash Less as a man who pays off his daughter's medical bills by selling his body to a company that implants the consciousness of a dying billionaire inside of him, artificially extending the billionaire's life. Haha, America. Another fun fact, this movie is the only way Jeff Bezos can achieve an erection before he makes sweet love to an Alexa-enabled toaster. A sort of similar thing with the mind-swapping, not with Bezos priming everywhere, happens in 2016's Criminal when Reynolds' consciousness gets implanted into the brain of a sociopath, Kevin Costner. Sorry, the teleprompter says a sociopath played by Kevin Costner? Okay. They stuck Billy in my head. Reynolds also dabbled with the whole being inside of a body that's not his, like the world's worst mortician thing, in 2013's Men in Black, but with ghosts and also stupid action comedy, R.I.P.D. There, Reynolds portrays a ghost cop who appears as an old Chinese guy when he's on Earth. Similarly, in the movie The Voices, Reynolds lends his voices to a cat, a dog, a deer, and other animals that he thinks are talking to him thanks to his freakin' schizophrenia. He doesn't lend his voice, though, to the severed head of a woman he murdered who talks to him from his fridge, though.
And finally, I've got a spoiler for Free Guy here, so if you haven't seen it, go watch it because it's delightful and then come back and watch me because I'm delightful. Back for more delight?
Great. So in Free Guy, Reynolds portrays a video game NPC who has technically kinda been implanted with the personality of a computer programmer, sort of transforming that programmer, you know, by the transitive property into an NPC, and also Reynolds' character into a new lifeform entirely. And speaking of... Life.
Did you know that two out of three men will experience some form of male pattern baldness by the time they're 35? I'm hoping I've still got a few years and hopefully hairs before I hit that smooth shiny milestone. That's about to be my whole point here. Once you go bald, you can never go back. No matter how much black coffee or straight whiskey you pour into your stomach or, you know, on top of your head. That's why you gotta be preventative and Keeps the hair you got.
And that's the cool thing about Keeps. They'll set you up with a licensed doctor who will review your information online so that you can get your hair fixed without going outside or even putting on pants. They'll recommend the right hair loss treatment plan for you specifically. Then your treatment is shipped directly to your door every three months, and best of all, Keeps offers generic versions of FDA-approved medications so that you can save your money. And it's very cheap. And you can spend your money now on, you know, fedoras and stuff. And because treatments usually take about 4-6 months to start showing results, the sooner you start, the sooner you can have luscious locks that'll be the envy of every romance novel model. So if you're ready to take action and prevent hair loss, go to Keeps.com slash cracked, or click the link in the description to receive 50% off your first order to hopefully keep, like, 100% of your hair.
Again, that's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash cracked. Sign up today, and you, like Ryan Reynolds, can become a new life form entirely. That brings us to our next weirdly specific nominee.
Scarlett Johansson is one of the world's most well-known actresses working in Hollywood right now, but it doesn't seem to be enough for her because she seemingly just wants more. Not in terms of fame or respect, but more like evolution, like growing laser fangs and sh**. At least judging by how many of her movies revolve around her attempts to ascend to the next plane of existence. Sexual freedom forever! Although you could make the case that this started with Under the Skin, in which she plays a seemingly featureless goo alien trying to construct a sexy human body for herself, this weird typecast probably begins with her, where Johansson plays a smartphone AI named Samantha who falls in love with her user, played by the Joker.
It's really weird. Is that weird? Do you think I'm weird? Kind of.
She's essentially a flirty Siri, but unlike Apple's product, she doesn't ford your dirty talk store developers so they can all laugh. By the end, Samantha and other AIs upgrade themselves and evolve into beings of pure energy, leaving Earth for a world beyond physical space. Like Xbox Game Pass. From there, Johansson moved to Lucy where she gets like a kilo of super cyber-meth or whatever literally kicked into her system and she developed superpowers like telepathy, telekinesis, and an immunity to pain and eventually, you know, becomes the next stage of human evolution. She then ingests more of the drug and turns into a pitch black seemingly featureless goo alien which allows her to move into a world beyond physical space. So basically it's just like somebody accidentally glued the scripts for Under the Skin and her together, stuck Morgan Freeman into a sexy cyber sandwich, and just decided to roll with it.
Uh, well, I don't know what to say.
The idea of Johansson wanting to be more is also explored in the island where it's revealed that she's a clone created as a spare organ factory for a rich person. And a shocking twist, it turns out that this sentient thinking and feeling person who just happens to share the same DNA with some rando feels like they shouldn't be considered a lesser life form and has a right to live. No matter how much money some rich a-hole drops on their living insurance policy against any multiple organ failures that they may experience, you know, from like, I don't know, making sweet love to a smart toaster. Anyway, then in 2017, Johansson starred in Ghost in the Shell as Mira Killian, the first successful transplant of a human mind into a fully cybernetic body. A role that Reynolds must have been just kicking himself for not landing. By becoming the world's first true full cyborg, Johansson becomes the next step in human evolution, presenting some pretty profound questions about what it means to be human.
Unfortunately, the movie was ultimately a flop, which sadly some analysts will definitely blame on it, starring an Asian female lead. Perhaps one day the world will stop scene race. And speaking of scene, our next nominee freaking sucks at it.
Before capturing and presumably eating hearts with his star and role in Hannibal, Mads Mikkelsen reportedly told his agent to keep an eye out for any badass roles he might be good for. Unfortunately, they must have had a bad connection because his agent seemingly only heard roles eyes bad. I don't know how else to explain why Mikkelsen plays so many dudes with freaking messed up eyes. His first big Hollywood role was in Casino Royale, where he plays a terrorist financier with an injured eye that occasionally leaks blood like he's been playing too many video games, or like he's been in too many video games because I guess he also has weird leaky eyes and death stranded. A few years later, Mad starred in the Danish film Valhalla Rising, in which he plays a Viking warrior called Wanai, a nickname he did not get ironically, unlike some of us. Then 2016 came around and saw the release of Doctor Strange, in which Mikkelsen plays an evil sorcerer with burns around his eyes, like he'd spent too much time playing Death Stranding and got so bored, he set his eyes on fire to see if that would be more fun than playing futuristic UPS man.
By the way, this would have been a great opportunity for Doctor Strange to have been an optometrist. But I guess even Kevin Feige makes mistakes. Uh, I mean, yes.
2019 did not slow down Mad's weird vendetta against his eyes, as that year he played the Black Kaiser and the Netflix action-thriller Polar, for which he sported a fashionable eyepatch. Not unlike his fashionable eyepatch from the Three Musketeers movie. The road that you've chosen doesn't have a rainbow. The rainbow. Hey, you know who else wore a fashionable eyepatch?
Beric from Game of Thrones. How's that for a segue? Next nominee. The series finale of Game of Thrones had millions of fans wondering, wait, do I still have time to cancel my HBO subscription before they build me for next month? And the next big question was, what's next for Peter Dinklage? After playing Tyrion Lannister for nearly a decade.
I got one idea that I'm especially psyched out of my mind about. You know, it's one of those ideas where you're just like, yes!
Well, if his filmography is any indication, he'll probably make more movies about killing kings and queens. See, on Game of Thrones, he constructs a medieval nuclear bomb to try and kill King Stannis Baratheon, and later he's accused of killing King Joffrey before fleeing and helping Queen Daenerys fight and, you know, ultimately kill Queen Cersei. Shame, shame, shame! Then, in Avengers Infinity War, he plays Eitri the Dwarf, who forges the badass axe stormbreaker for Thor while almost killing the King of Asgard by having him stand in the energy blast of a star to reheat his forge. And that was also that he could kill Thanos, who while not possessing any official royal title, he does really have a little king vibe, a little kingly vibe about him. I mean, the dude literally sits on a throne for like 20 movies, so unless that was actually his toilet, I'm gonna count it.
["Dinklage's Regicidal Lust"] Dinklage's regicidal lust followed him all the way to the Angry Birds movie, which he voices Mighty Eagle, who fights against the Pig King Mudbeard. ["Dinklage's Regicidal Lust"] Finally, I really don't want to mention the movie, The Chronicles of Narnia, Cole and Prince Caspian, but I feel like I have to since Dinklage plays Dave to get this, a dwarf. Huh. He plays a dwarf, Peter Dinklage. And that dwarf is named Trompkin. And it's important that, you know, I wrote about a hundred jokes about a character named Trompkin trying to overthrow the ruler of a fantasy land, but I can't choose.
So I'm just gonna move on to our final nominee. That's the best you can come up with.
["Dinklage's Regiral Lust"] There are so many things I'd like to tell my younger self, like the curse only mentioned a bathtub of blood. It didn't specify that it had to be human. Anyway, that's why I'm kind of jealous of Bruce Willis. He's always meeting his stupid younger self. I'd go in to be a loser! The first time this happened was probably in 12 Monkeys, where Willis plays a guinea pig in an awesome possum science experiment to travel back in time so he can figure out who caused slash will cause a pandemic of global proportions, which feels like something we could use right now so that I can figure out the blood thing, not the pandemic. In the 18th century, no such thing. Instead, he merely manages to get shot and die in front of his little baby younger self, mentally scarring him self for life. Then, five years later, in 2000, Willis starred in The Kid, a seemingly heartwarming movie about a total jerk-ass meeting his kid's self through magic or some shit and deciding to un-jerk his ass after learning that being nice will eventually make him a millionaire and let him bang Emily Mortimer.
Ah! You can also watch an old and also sort of young Bruce Willis for the price of one movie ticket in Surrogates, which is set in a world where people control android avatars of themselves that are much hotter and younger looking, allowing them to be outside while never physically leaving their homes. In some religions, this is referred to as paradise. It's pretty cool, huh? Aw, come on.
Then, in 2012, we of course got the movie Lou Burn, which Willis plays a remorseless murderer who escapes from some other murderers into the past where his younger though equally murderous self tries to murder him with murder. I don't wanna talk about time travel. Shit. They even did makeup and CGI on Joseph Gordon-Levitt to make him look like a young Bruce Willis and Edie is amazing how much they don't look alike. At all. It was inevitable though, because we don't actually have any pictures of a young Bruce Willis because he was born in a time before cameras. And I also forgot the premise of the episode, but I think I won something. And scene.
Woo! |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_grinch_song_uncensored_is_brutal_ft_joel_haver_and_trent_lenkarski | Oh, Max, I heard there's a song about me. Why don't you put it on? I'm curious to hear it. Uh, I don't think you're gonna want to hear it. Max, just put it on. Put the song on. It's not very nice. Max, Max. Are you sure? Put it on! Okay.
You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. That's me. You're a fugly piece of shit. What? You bring bendy straws to bathrooms cause you like the taste of piss, Mr. Grinch.
No. No, I don't.
Max? I wouldn't suck your dick if it was dipped in honey and could cure cancer. Jesus Christ. Who wrote this? Who wrote this song, Max? Also, you have no dick.
Stop. Stop the song. I can't. Max? No, I can't. Stop. Just stop the song. Hit stop.
It's broken. What's broken? It's jammed. I don't know what to do.
Just, like, turn it down. I can't. I'm a dog. Max? You're a dipshit, Mr. Grinch. Okay. Even babies want you dead. Wow. You've never brought home a woman cause you're scared you'll wet the bed, Mr. Grinch. I wish they weren't so good at rhyming. The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote. Bitch. I'm not. Dunster. Bitch. No, no, no, no. This is not how it goes. I knew they changed it, but I thought it'd be like a key change or maybe like a solo or something, but this is degrading. This hurts.
Pretty detailed, yeah. What happened to the alligator part? I actually liked that part. It was kind of funny.
No, it's a crocodile. No, it was an alligator. No, it's a crocodile. Was it a crocodile? Yeah, no, yeah. It's a seasick crocodile, yeah.
Oh. You're poor, Mr. Grinch. You can't leave a stone unturned. You can't afford the bus. Lower middle class, maybe. You're deathly allergic to tree nuts, and your exact address is this, Mr. Grinch. No, no, no. 1482 Mount Crumpit Boulevard. Holy shit. Ooh. Ville, Michigan. That's my address. What are you going to do? I mailed your bitch ass a bag of nuts.
This is a song that kids sing? Every year they sing this, like around the Christmas tree.
Yeah. A song that says bitch. It has said bitch like three times. Yeah, that's too much, yeah.
They know I gave the presents back, right? Like at the end of the movie, I gave them back. I'm a good guy now. I go to church. Yeah, I believe you.
Oh, there's the solo. Yeah, actually a really cool solo. Wow.
Shame about the rest of the song. It's just a dress that you are inbred. I'm fucked. Mr. Grinch. This feels bad. You don't know how to read. This feels really bad.
I cannot stress enough how much you love to shut down pee, Mr. Grinch. According to an anonymous poll with a sample size of over 3,000 who's who are asked to rank you on a scale from one to a hundred. Mr. Grinch? Based on traits such as likeability, general odor. What's wrong, Mr. Grinch?
You ever feel like no matter how hard you try, people will always see you as your past self just as this one thing, one unchangeable thing. Like a dog? I guess no matter what, I'll always be a big green monster. I thought you were gray. No, I'm green.
Oh. You didn't know that? Oh, dog. That's right.
I love you, Mr. Grinch. I love you too, Max. Merry Christmas.
God damn it, I can still hear it. It's jammed. I don't know what you want me to do. I can't fix it. I'm a dog. How am I going to fix it?
This is a song that kids sing? Every year they sing this, like around the Christmas tree. A song that says bitch. |
TheOnion | Guy_30_Seconds_Into_Karaoke_Version_Of_Man_In_The_Mirror_Better_Get_His_Act_Together | According to attendees of a karaoke night at Charlie's Bar and Grill, a man 30 seconds into singing Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror better get his act together and get it together fast. Onlookers say the man is currently botching the rhythm of the first chorus and that he has roughly 15 more seconds to put his ass in gear and get fucking going. He fucked up from the get-go, coming in late on that first line singing totally off-key. It's not over yet, but he needs to shape up and get his head in the game prompt zone. Honestly, he needs to get serious right now or get the fuck off the stage. I mean, what does he think this is? Living on a prayer? Claiming that this is turning into a goddamn train wreck, eyewitnesses say they are embarrassed for the man who has missed several key words despite staring at the prompter the entire fucking time. Sources add that the man is currently making little to no effort to mimic Jackson's trademark falsetto, which audience members say is, quote, just not going to work, plain and simple. You know, he could hit every last note for the remainder of the song, and I still don't know if that would be enough to turn this thing around. Man in the Mirror is the big news, so you better show up with your apron.
Fucking pathetic.
That man, that man, that man, that man, you know, that man. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | the_real_science_behind_climate_change | Professor Scott Bug is the current Vice Learn Fellow in charge of space at the Cosmolarium of Wiese-Shrupshire Brook in London on Hildredge, Utah. Bug got his start in education by walking into classrooms and speaking until escorted out. He has five degrees in remedial advanced and two in just science. Professor Bug recently received the Jeff Award for discovering the two best moons of Titan. Both are named after him, so Scott and Scott.
Here, we have the Earth. Now, what do we know about the Earth? Well, we know what shape it is. Round. We know what color everything is. Great example, Wisconsin is yellow.
We know that it was once roamed upon by dinosaurs. What do we know about dinosaurs? Well, we know they once roamed the Earth. They were intelligent. They were definitely made of pot bones.
But that's it. We don't even know what they look like. So, what do we know? The things I just said and one more thing.
We know that before the dinosaurs left, they made the Earth spinsies. Now, this in turn makes the Earth aroundsies our Sun, along with all the other planets in our Sun area. And that, in turn, aroundsies the three thin long suns, along with all the other Sun areas in our Sun area area. And so on, again and again, exactly like that, infinity, the Earth spinsies. And that spinsies creates what we call gravity.
Gravity just pulls on everything made of metal. It pulls it down or in, depending on the size of your globe. And it pulls down, you know, metal from the eyeglasses, from buildings, from pipes, from like an anvil, like iron and stuff.
And you can do this at home. What you do, you just take a thing of metal, right? And you put it somewhere, like on concrete, and you watch it. You watch it.
And after 40 years, it will sink into the center of the Earth. And it gets smoshed up into tiny little bits that form a sort of soupy but flat sort of indescribable thing that creates magnetism. And magnetism pushes against itself. It pushes against everything. It's always pushing out. Gravity is always pulling in.
And this creates what we call the Magravatism effect. We're not thrilled with the name. But what it does, it can shake the Earth, yeah? In all the different parts that that happens, it makes wind in all of the places that there's wind. Magravatism can also make the planet very hot. It starts these sort of tiny fires on the ocean, which freaks out the water deep into the depths, so the sea level gets lower. But it leaves the glaciers very, very alone and scared. And so they turn into more water. The hot level of the Earth is rising, quickly, year after year after year, right?
But thanks to Einstein's theory of relativism, let's say, you know, what does it look like just day to day? Not so bad, yeah?
An incredible fact of science has saved the Earth year after year after year, skip a year, and then all the other years after that. Praise be to the science. It could be from anything, from anything to anything else. |
ClickHole | heartbreakingly_adorable_watch_this_mother_explain_death_to_her_child | Kayla, do you know why we're here today?
Because of Uncle Paul. That's right, sweetheart. And do you remember what happened to Uncle Paul? He died. That's right.
Do you know what death means? No, I don't. Death means that Uncle Paul's body has stopped working, and he won't be with us anymore. It's very important to remember that death is a natural part of life. Everybody dies except me. You won't die? No. Mommy doesn't die.
There is no end for me.
Will Daddy die? Someday. Yes, sweetie. Daddy will die.
But you don't have to worry, because it won't be for a very long time. It'll be many, many years from now.
But whenever it happens, Mommy will be there to see it. Because Mommy is endless. Mommy?
Will I die? Well, you aren't Mommy. So yes, one day you will die.
But it won't be for a very, very long time.
And Mommy will be very sad when you die. And she will bury you in the ground. And Mommy will live on and on.
But after thousands of years, Mommy will forget you. And she will stop crying. And she will wander the scarred surface of the ancient Earth, searching for a new family. But Mommy, what happens to all the people after they die?
It doesn't matter. Because I won't ever have to experience that.
Okay, sweetie. Okay, Mommy. Good.
I love you so much. Give me a hug. Aww. |
TheOnion | Scientists_Capture_Audio_Of_Beetle_Colliding_With_Paper_Clip_For_First_Time | What's that strange noise? That's the sound of a momentous scientific discovery. For the first time ever, scientists have successfully captured the sound of a beetle colliding with a paperclip. Physicists have long theorized what the insect colliding with the office supply could sound like. In 2013, a team of scientists from Caltech created an audio simulation which sounded like this. While others in the scientific community just assumed the collision would sound like this 1998 NASA recording of a pencil hitting a praying mantis. But scientists finally got their answer thanks to a $1.2 billion network of synchronized satellites constantly circling the globe, looking to capture the 0.02 decibel sounds that result from such collisions. At 3.32 a.m. Pacific Standard Time yesterday, the detectors captured the long-sought audio of the impact, which unleashed the energy of 1,000 fruit flies colliding into the side of a Ziploc bag. And more importantly, added another wrinkle to the soundtrack of planet Earth. For The Onion, I'm Rafe Gillis. |
cracked | how_whitewashing_in_video_games_is_worse_than_in_movies_escort_mission_nioh | What's this the Great Wall game, huh? What are you uh, what are you Matt Damon, huh? You get a contact Ben Affleck from Batman v. Superman Dawn of Martha, huh? What are you doing? No, oh The games called neo or nyo. I'm not sure does that make you a Nihilist Wow shut the fuck up right now But well your point about whitewashing and Hollywood is well taken I think the fact that you just confused a movie about the Great Wall of China With a game that's clearly steeped in Japanese folklore says more about the American education system than the entertainment industry I followed like half of that. So you're the last samurai. What do you do?
I am an Irish sea pirate with beautiful flaxen locks Who's watched over by a guardian spirit like a patronus or FF 7 summon materia? Ooh, don't explain that but go on well most of the guardian spirits are animals for some reason mine is slash-was a weird like fish bird lady hybrid, but Apparently she's the best one because I've devoted considerable effort to getting her back Even though I'm only halfway through the game and I already have like six other guardian spirits to choose. Oh, no Who took your magic mermaid ghost buddy?
Okay, see I know what you're doing But see that's actually a really cool part. There's this wizard, right Edward first What is the impossible and he used his snake ghost to steal my ghost which up until that point it made me unkillable So now I'm killable Very killable this game's hardest and Edward. He's using my ghost to hunt down amrita Because my ghost has the natural ability to find amrita amrita. What's that? I'm glad you asked amrita is the souls of living things congealed into like a Crystalline state Oh soul math if you will so you want your truffle pig back because it helps you find soul rocks Am I following god damn it. I wish we had a convection of them Why are you in Japan to become unkillable again? Although yes, you're basically following I've sailed to a foreign land to recover my stolen ghost Tale as old as time amrita. I've gathered is either a power source or I don't know good something one would want The point is John D. Royal advisor to the Queen of England is gonna use amrita to conquer Spain Got it John told Ed to steal Bill's guardian spirit because of England's designs on Spain Japan all right look there's plenty of Japanese flavor all the authentic stuff comes through in the monster design and the level design And whatnot I mean how else could I say with full confidence that the Sengoku period was a time of war prior to the unification Of Japan by the Tokugawa Shogun. I don't know Wikipedia a teleprompter look I remember these things From Princess Mononoke remember when you cried at the end of Princess Mononoke, okay? Yeah, okay, so I see it's like a virtual tour through Japanese history and folklore in so far as You go to Japanese places and kill Japanese things exactly now. You're getting it Speaking of getting it that what's that called that is a yokai or demon? Loose from the underworld by years of war and strike no I mean that exact one Oh, I don't know I call it tongue clops very authentic.
There's also kappa only by Creepy dude who plays that stringed instrument from Kung Fu hustle Kung Fu hustle written and directed by Steven Chow a Chinese person look what do you even care how authentic it is? It's not ghost in the shell. It's just a video game Williams. Just some low-paid voice actor in a booth somewhere I mean GTA 5 presents a modern-day Los Angeles with almost no traffic congestion Aha, that is far less believable than either a waggle tongue Cyclops or soul man I don't actually care you know that much. It's just okay if I were Japanese guy You know it would be like playing a game called Jack that takes place in America in 1776 except there's a lot of like triple cobras and Sasquatches around I play some dude from the Congo for no reason Okay, I know you're trying to underscore our often under examined soft biases But I would pre-order the shit out of Jack if it were real What is it's just about Robin Williams dying of progeria? |
cracked | 5_tech_training_videos_that_prove_the_90s_were_insane_does_not_compute | Greetings, some women, and almost infinitely more men. You know, it's important to reconnect to your roots. Since I live in the internet, my roots go back to the very dawn of wicked history, the 1990s, when friends still roamed the earth and Boba T. was just a glint in Froyo's eye. Show us how it's done, early adopters. But seriously, if you call it the information superhighway, I'm out. Five absurdly misguided 1990s how-to internet videos. Number five, caught in the web. If you watched Tron Legacy and thought, this is almost too immersive, then swallow that bite of unflavored oatmeal, my friend, and check out this shit.
So what was stolen? What wasn't? Dad, they took my computer. I wish I could figure out how all this happened.
You Hutchinson? Craig Hutchinson? Uh, yeah. And I mean literally, check out. There is no doubt in my mind this is available on VHS at your local library. Look in the way back, by the laser disks. Come on! Where are we?
Cyberspace, the net, the web, you know, out there. Even as it naively tries to scare us into changing our passwords, caught in the web showcases a simpler time in internet life. A time when virus detection was as easy as surfing down an energy tube. A time when you only had to worry about your kids accidentally googling double entendre. Instead of worrying about them googling literally any word, or clicking any link on any page, or using chat rooms specifically designed for kids, or even just sitting in front of the webcam.
Let's meet Katie. Looks like Katie could use a shave.
That's Yelp. That's what Yelp used to be.
Number four, how to have cyber sex. You've heard of computer sex, but is there really such a thing? Absolutely. Having sex with an online partner is easy to learn. I'll show you how to reach a cyber sex climax. Lesson one, don't tell them I am reaching a cyber sex climax.
Just type splooge city in all caps like a normal person. Also, what's with the editing? Yeah, that. Stupid. Let's get started. So, I'm just kind of going to get a general idea of who's here and what's going on.
That is not what you wear when you cyber sex. This is what you wear when you cyber sex.
You see what I'm holding up? You will notice that it is nothing. Light dusting of Doritos dust, if anything.
Now let's see if we can find someone interested in having a little cyber sex. I'm going to put I'm very horny. Ugh, come on! And I'm looking. I could have had cyber sex so many times by now. For some good cyber sex.
Seriously? My cyber kid is applying to online colleges. Are you interested? What the hell? What's all this then? I guess she was typing like my arthritic aunt because she was taking her shirt off and applying that black bar at the same time. And he puts yes with lots of S's. Whoa, red flag. My advice?
You don't want to mess with this guy. He's either got a disturbingly sticky keyboard or he's a snake man. Tell you what, you want to cyber safely with a droid who knows what he's doing, hit me up on realtime slash net dot com. That's C-O-N-com, like a fake scam. My screen name is M, bring a valid credit card. It doesn't have to be yours. Number three, how computers work.
Computers. Oh, computers. We use computers all the time, but there still seems to be this aura of mystery and complexity surrounding them. It's almost like they were an electronic brain or something. Hey, I will have you know that my electronic brain has very little mystery or complexity to it. Anyway, to truly learn about a computer, as with anything, you must climb inside of it. That's why I'm banned from so many zoos. I mean, this is the only place I know that you can actually climb inside of a computer. Except for all the early ones, alleged authority on computers. The rest of the video is like, I have no mouth and I must scream if the computer was torturing them exclusively with boredom and the creepy eyes from the great Gatsby.
It's like Lord of the Flies meets A Room of One's Own. You know? I've been reading more lately, I just wanted somebody to know. Number two. Kids' Guide to the Internet. Uh-oh, that's not a good sign. On your mark, get set.
We're riding on the Internet. Cyberspace set free. All right. Hey there, it's us again. This is my brother Peter, mom and dad, and I'm Dasha. Aww. Just your basic stock photo family doing Internet. Rip.
And the kids are improving in their grades and communication skills. Which makes me happy as I would sure like them to go to college someday. I too am pleased for my friends and the success their children can surely expect.
Jesus. It's like they're a forgotten Soviet-era sleeper cell or something. What's a web page? Something ducks walk on? Who? You shut up. Ducks? Walk on?
You shut up and you go back to your podunk schoolyard sh**kickers with that laffy taffy rapper's sh**t. Plays, and you leave this game to the f**king professionals. You understand me, you little prick? Even your production title's a rip-off. Figure out porn already, dumbass. Now that I've gotten on the Internet, I'd rather be on my computer than doing just about anything.
Number one. Two friends teach you Windows 95. Boom! They just made a million dollars apiece.
Taskbar's an email and shortcuts all mine.
The friends cast was so big in the 90s, they could barge into Microsoft HQ babbling like maniacs virtually without consequence. I think I'm gonna press that red button. Really? Windows. I know Windows. Get it? Because they trapped a bunch of people in a box and left them to die. You pressed a button and people got zapped into the computer, and now, uh... What do we do? Leave. What is it with 90s instructional videos supporting the fear of being sucked inside a computer? Humans, as a robot, let me say, I do not want to suck you inside of myself.
Also, learn hotkeys. Drag it down to copy. Then paste.
Oh, this is so trippy. No. What's trippy is that for all of this video's glaring inaccuracies, it gets the most key component of internet life absolutely right. Oh, boy, an entire gallery of cats owners' photos. Do they have an audio tour with this? Let's look at buttons. Oh.
Doo doo poo poo. Sidebar. A director told that man to make cute nonsense noises about his cat, and he chose to say with his lips, doo doo poo poo.
He chose that. Then again, as today's episode has proven, the 90s was a different time. This is Bill Gates' computer. I mean, that is like using Wayne Gretzky's hockey stick.
Yeah, well, nobody's leaving until somebody's mad enough to play a little 3-D pinball with old joystick Johnny. Why don't we send some email over the internet to my buddy Tim? He'd freak if we knew we were here. Oh, no, not that guy in the crunch pan.
The Microsoft network is your on-ramp to the information superhighway. Hey, information what? Super what way?
That's it. This episode is over.
Jack! We'll go to the building he is in and get him then.
Boba T. was just a glint in Froyo's eye. Show us how it's done, early adopters. But seriously, if you call it the information superhighway, I'm out. Five absurdly misguided 1990s how-to internet videos. Number five, caught in the web. If you watched Tron Legacy and thought, this is almost too immersive, then swallow that bite of unflavored oatmeal, my friend, and check out this shit.
So what was stolen? What wasn't? Dad, they took my computer. I wish I could figure out how all this happened.
Cyberspace, the net, the web, you know, out there. Even as it naively tries to scare us into changing our passwords, COD in the web showcases a simpler time in internet life. A time when virus detection was as easy as surfing down an energy tube. A time when you only had to worry about your kids accidentally googling double entendre. Instead of worrying about them googling literally any word, or clicking any link on any page, or using chat rooms specifically designed for kids, or even just sitting in front of the webcam.
Let's meet Katie. Looks like Katie could use a shave.
That's Yelp. That's what Yelp used to be.
Number four, how to have cyber sex. You've heard of computer sex, but is there really such a thing? Absolutely. Having sex with an online partner is easy to learn. I'll show you how to reach a cyber sex climax. Lesson one, don't tell them I am reaching a cyber sex climax.
Just type splooge city in all caps like a normal person. Also, what's with the editing? Yeah, that. Stupid. Let's get started. So, I'm just kind of going to get a general idea of who's here, what's going on.
That is not what you wear when you cyber sex. This is what you wear when you cyber sex.
You see what I'm holding up? You will notice that it is nothing. Light dusting of Doritos dust, if anything.
Now, let's see if we can find someone interested in having a little cyber sex. I'm going to put, I'm very horny. Ugh, come on. And I'm looking. I could have had cyber sex so many times by now. For some good cyber sex. Seriously, my cyber kid is applying to online colleges. Are you interested?
What the hell was all this then? I guess she was typing like my arthritic aunt because she was taking her shirt off and applying that black bar at the same time. I think he puts, yes, lots of S's. Whoa, red flag. My advice? You don't want to mess with this guy. He's either got a disturbingly sticky keyboard or he's a snake man.
Tell you what, you want to cyber safely with a droid who knows what he's doing, hit me up on realtimeslashnet.com. That's C-O-N-Con, like a fake scam. My screen name is Am, bring a valid credit card.
It doesn't have to be yours. Number three, how computers work. Hi, I'm science correspondent David Heil. My friends and I are discussing a rather touchy subject. Gay rights, abortion, immigration, legal weed, that you live on the set of a break dance video. The fact that your name is Heil.
Computers. Oh, computers. We use computers all the time, but there still seems to be this aura of mystery and complexity surrounding them. It's almost like they were an electronic brain or something. Hey, I will have you know that my electronic brain has very little mystery or complexity to it. Anyway, to truly learn about a computer, as with anything, you must climb inside of it. That's why I'm banned from so many zoos. I mean, this is the only place I know that you can actually climb inside of a computer. Except for all the early ones, alleged authority on computers. The rest of the video is like, I have no mouth and I must scream if the computer was torturing them exclusively with boredom and the creepy eyes from the great Gatsby.
It's like, Lord of the Flies meets A Room of One's Own. You know? I've been reading more lately, I just wanted somebody to know. Number two, kid's guide to the internet. Uh oh, that's not a good sign. On your mark, get set. We're riding on the internet, cyberspace set free. Alright. Hey there, it's us again. This is my brother Peter, mom and dad, and I'm Dasha. Aww, just your basic stock photo family doing internet. Rip.
And the kids are improving in their grades and communication skills. Which makes me happy as I would sure like them to go to college someday. I too am pleased for my friends and the success their children can surely expect.
Jesus, it's like they're a forgotten Soviet era sleeper cell or something. What's a web page? Something ducks walk on? Who?
You shut up. Ducks walk on. You shut up. And you go back to your po' dunk schoolyard shit kickers with that laffy taffy rapper's shit. Plays. And you leave this game to the fucking professionals. You understand me, you little prick?
Even your production title's a rip off. Figure out porn already, dumbass. Now that I've gotten on the internet, I'd rather be on my computer than doing just about anything. Number one, two friends teach you Windows 95. Boom, they just made a million dollars apiece.
Taskbar's an email and shortcuts oh my.
The friends cast was so big in the 90s, they could barge into Microsoft HQ babbling like maniacs virtually without consequence. I think I'm gonna press that red button. Really? Windows. I know, Windows. Get it?
Because they trapped a bunch of people in a box and left them to die. You pressed a button and people got zapped into the computer and now, what do we do? Leave. What is it with 90s instructional videos supporting the fear of being sucked inside a computer? Humans, as a robot, let me say I do not want to suck you inside of myself. Also, learn hotkeys. Drag it down to copy, then paste.
Oh, this is so trippy. No, what's trippy is that for all of this video's glaring inaccuracies, it gets the most key component of internet life absolutely right. Oh boy, an entire gallery of cats owners photo. Do they have an audio tour with this? Let's look at buttons.
Oh, doo doo poo poo. Sidebar, a director told that man to make cute nonsense noises about his cat and he chose to say with his lips, doo doo poo poo.
He chose that. Then again, as today's episode has proven, the 90s was a different time. This is Bill Gates' computer. I mean, that is like using Wayne Gretzky's hockey stick. Yeah, well, nobody's leaving until somebody's mad enough to play a little 3D pinball with old joystick Johnny. Why don't we send some email over the internet to my buddy Tim. He'd freak if we knew we were here. Oh, no, not that guy in the crunch pan.
The Microsoft network is your on-ramp to the information superhighway. Hey, information what? Super what way?
That's it. This episode is over.
Jack. We'll go to the building he is in and get him, then. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_18_11_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | Today I am only joined with Wendell Hussey as Clancy Overroll is out getting a colonoscopy as he's just turned 65. He thought it was it was about time. He is taking proactive steps he's got a young family so I would suggest any of our more senior listeners listening now if you've got thin ribbon like stools like Clancy has maybe it's time to do the old test at home kit or go and get a torch up your pipe. Wendell good afternoon. Good afternoon Errol yes good on Clancy for trying to get on top of that it should be very much encouraged. How are you going Errol? Very good Wendell as I'm only 47 I still have many many more years until I have to shit in a paper bag in the cupboard of my house.
Still a little while off now let's start off with some national news and the bushfires have been making headlines as is understandable. One of those stories that we broke this week was party that's been in power for 17 of the last 23 years frustrated with Greens fire policy. Yes as we all know Wendell the Greens are to blame for this latest fire disaster by crippling the nation with their restrictive fire practices. The government has been able to confirm that the awful bushfires are actually the Greens fault after finding a status from some bloke on Facebook saying the Greens and or Greenies prevent back burning and hazard reduction with their powerful single seat in the lower house. Yeah it's been an issue that the coalition government has been very passionate about for at least a week now after seeing that status so hopefully they can get on top of and change that policy that they've been unable to change for the last 23 years. And Aidan Crocker a reader from town commented on that story saying the sooner we look into the greeny deep state run by public servants and local councillors thwarting the state and federal government at every turn the better. There has been some good news for the nation though on the fire front now with the PM's emergency thoughts and prayers package finally arriving from Cronulla. Well Wendell as we all know Cronulla had its name sullied by those terrible riots. I think in recent years they've made efforts to change that and this story is evidence to suggest that. There's been a huge drop of thoughts and prayers which have arrived from Cronulla in one of those big creepy Hillsong buses that transport people into their churches was really welcomed by the fireys who are tirelessly working to fight the severe fires ravaging the East Coast still. Yeah unfortunately it hasn't put any of the fires out but hopefully it will subdue that threat soon and in other national news schoolies kicked off over the weekend.
We broke an exclusive story on that one which was bottle of little fat lamb to ensure excited schoolie won't remember a thing from last night. Mmm schoolies take note if you're listening. As thousands of young people descend on the glitter strip one excited schoolie made sure he wouldn't remember a thing from the first night of schoolies by purchasing a 1.25 litre of the 8% ginger beer. This comes after the CSIRO found that consuming a bottle of little fat lamb in a matter of minutes has a similar effect on the brain as a powerful magnet does when you hold it up to a cassette tape.
And some of our town's most piss fit residents have confirmed the power of that stuff. Kyle Scott said I still have a headache and a hangover from drinking this two years ago and Andrew Fielding said I don't care how piss fit you are this shit has your measure and there are a lot more comments like that on that story. In some local news from around town now and why do you watch this shit ask husband who can't keep his eyes off the TV. Well those shows are just doing what they're designed to do. The man who seemed to be glued to the bachelorette two nights a week can't understand how people waste their time on it. Similar story? I think so. Despite always floating around the TV when it's on the husband says the whole thing is scripted a complete waste of time and just one giant ad. However he did reportedly shed a tear when the popular fan favourite Kieran left the show last week so it's a little bit confusing.
Now in other news from around our humble regional metropolis a man in mid-20s has been greeted by adulthood with mystery knee pain. Well as a 47 year old Wendell and I think you have a long time until you really start to feel the terrible throes of age. I know that I have two bad knees and this story really struck a chord with me because you know this young man he did say that this knee pain did come out of nowhere which it does and he can't really attribute it to anything in particular which is also a very common story. On top of never being able to see his friends due to conflicting schedules and coming to the realization that his degree has done fuck all to better his career this local man named John says his knee problem is really the final straw. Yeah he said adulthood it sucks and we interviewed a local orthopedic surgeon about this Dr. Roy his name was and he said knee pain is normal and should be expected around the time you start meal prepping for fun, buying brand new non-stick fry pans and accumulating Tupperware. If anyone knows how to waste money it's an orthopedic surgeon, Wendell.
Yes moving on to sports news now this week and George Pell Shane Watson's to the High Court. Yes unfortunately Cardinal Pell did not have a sharpened toothbrush plunged into his temple while on remand or indeed while he's been serving his crimes so in the meantime he has had the opportunity to chain Watson to the High Court which is to appeal the decision and watch that appeal be shot down in flames hopefully. And more on the story the extremely unpopular national pedophile has tried to appeal his guilty verdict to the highest court in the land. In a classic Shane Watson style review the former Cardinal has reviewed the decision about despite the ball cannoning into his pads perfectly in front of Middle Stump.
Yes they're going through ball tracking right now, hot spot snico all that sort of stuff and hopefully they'll confirm the on-field decision. And that's all we have time for on this week's News Bulletin we'll catch you next week.
Until that time my name is Errol Parker stay out of the pokies, never talk to the police unless you've got legal counsel present. I'm Wendell Hassey goodbye. |
cracked | 8_videos_of_people_who_look_like_special_effects_creations | Hey everybody! Welcome to episode 17 of Crack TV, the only talk show with some weird acronym instead of a monologue. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Blaxploitation Movie Trailers. So they transplanted the whitehead onto the black body. Who would have suspected that neither would care for the idea too much? Really? I prefer Kant myself. Anyway, it seems we've run out of ideas here on Crack TV because today's topic is eight people you won't believe aren't photoshopped. That's right folks, it's the freak show episode.
But not as sick as this guy! Meet Indonesian Dede Kosawa. Those things that make him look like a tree spirit caught in mid-shape shift are actually growths triggered by HPV. The condition has ruined Dede's life. His wife left him, probably around the time insects started nesting in his feet. He lost his job at the handsome guy museum. And worst of all, the city's always sending by guys in cherry pickers to trim him back from the power lines. Fortunately, the international medical community took an interest in Dede, and he recently underwent surgery to remove the growths. So, he's cured!
What? You only removed four pounds of warts out of a possible twelve? I'm sure Dede's estranged wife is running back to him right now. Alright, maybe not. But you know what, Dede? Screw her. I've got a friend who's way better for ya. Okay, well that's not really the most flattering picture of her. There we go. That's Miss September right there.
Dwangjai Semak Semarn's hands are almost as unwieldy as her name. You know what they say about chicks with big hands. Hard to buy gloves for. Of course, we can't all have giant hands. Some of us have to settle for huge mouth-filling tongues. You know what they say about chicks with big tongues?
They're horrifying. Is it just me, or does the fact that they scored this with softcore porn music make it much, much worse? It's like a blind serpent trying to find a rat to eat.
Or some McNuggets. I wonder how she stays so thin. Oh, I see. She hides them in a tongue pouch for later consumption. The clip cuts out there, but I think we can safely assume she makes out with herself and they both choke to death.
Do not adjust your screens. The picture I'm about to show you is accurate. Unless this guy doesn't look like the blueberry kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, in which case you might want to adjust your screen.
Argyria is a condition that turns your skin and eyes blue and drains all the color from your hair. It comes in a few forms, most notably the papa smurf and zombie horror. Since you get Argyria by ingesting colloidal silver, a common ingredient in traveling medicine show tonics, it's a lot rarer now that people don't consider anything that's shiny to have curative properties. In fact, the last remaining sufferers of the condition have banned together and perform in Las Vegas to this day. Those hollow eyes have a lesson to teach us all. Don't eat silver, which frankly you'd think there'd be an easier way to teach, pamphlet or something. Have you ever opened a picture yourself in Photoshop, taken the smear tool and just swirl it around to see what you'd look like if your face melted sideways? Tragically, not everyone has the option.
Huang Chung Kai, Chen Zong Tao, and Huang Li Qian. Two of them have the same family name and they're all from China, which leads me to two conclusions. First, that one gave himself tumors out of brotherly affection and second, that China is radioactive, which in turn leads me to a third conclusion, namely that these three brave men shunned by society and united in kind would make the most formidable crime-fighting team ever assembled. Think about it, all they got to do is show up.
Alright Jimmy, just get the last of the TV's on the truck and we'll... Oh god, Jimmy, stop stealing. We are so sorry.
Do you guys need, do you need a ride anywhere? Can I help you out? A couple bucks, maybe? Some food? You good? Alright.
Despite evidence to the contrary, tumors are not restricted only to rural China. This Portuguese man proves that the old sitcom formula of attractive wife with unattractive husband can be pushed too far. The twist this time is the guy could have had his tumor taken off long ago but chose not to because of his religious beliefs. Jehovah, if you're witnessing, this guy better fucking get into heaven. Although, if you could put him in like a darkened part of heaven, I'd appreciate it.
Well that's all for this episode and I promise we'll never stoop to such manipulative exploitation again. Right Clippy?
He's black. He's brutal. He's boss. Ray Williamson is boss nigger.
And remember, if you want to help me pick next week's topic, just flash the Swaim signal. It's exactly like the Bat signal but different enough to avoid copyright infringement. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swaim. Allow me to play you out. |
cracked | 6_bizarre_implications_of_the_gremlins_films_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello Internet! My name is Daniel O'Brien and welcome to another corny yet mesmerizing episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the only show on the internet where I get to try out the various accents I've been working on. Today's New Zealand episode works through... Nope.
Gremlins. I love Gremlins, but I have some issues, and now I'm going to talk about them you've seen the show. Gremlins is a timeless Christmas movie about a small town that is overrun by Gremlins. Viscuous and surprisingly adaptive and intelligent monsters that no one seems to be bothered by.
That's actually my first point. In the beginning of the movie, our protagonist, Dad, comes in contact with a Mogwai, a new type of hairy goblin. He doesn't say, what the f*** is that? Which is what I or you would say.
He says, oh, I've been looking everywhere for something like that, for my son, for Christmas. It's a present for my son, for Christmas. It's exactly what I've been looking for, and I've been everywhere.
Which first of all, hey, now you weren't looking for this. Your son is a lonely bank employee with a broken car who lives at home. He doesn't need another pet. And you haven't been looking for a new creature you didn't even know existed until just now.
Second of all, this is a singing monster who can occasionally imitate human words, and he's just like, this fits with the reality I've accepted. Can I buy this thinking, singing monster of indeterminate origin for $200? That's $200.
He eventually presents it to his son, our hero, Billy, who is like, cool, this thing. No one is concerned that this is a species that doesn't exist in any book anywhere. It's so commonplace that when Billy shows it to his weird small child boy buddy, friend of the show, Corey Feldman, Corey doesn't give a shit. He sees the small cute goblin that has never been reported and is like, that's not a big deal. He's more into 3D glasses than a new species. This is incredible. How weird. Billy's father, his mom, his friend, and his old high school teacher all saw the new cute monster, and no one was like, that's a thing that doesn't exist, and we should talk about this. They're all like, oh cool, a new alien.
What are the rules of feeding it? Where did you get this? I hope he's housebroken. Don't ever feed him after midnight.
If my friend showed me a new animal that I'd literally never seen before, and they said, it's a mongwai, but I'd call it gizmo, I'd be like, f*** off, gizmo, don't name it. What is this thing? We need to tell the government because there's a new thing all of a sudden that I haven't seen in a zoo, nature documentary, or animal book. Everyone is okay with gizmo in this movie, but that's not even close to the weirdest thing. Title card. Let's look at a scene real quick.
Phoebe Cates finally explains why she hates Christmas, and it's because her dad died around Christmas. Climbing down the chimney dressed as Santa, he slips and breaks his neck, and then stays in the chimney for a little while, until they eventually find him, and she concludes this story about her dad disappearing on Christmas, and then turning up dead in the chimney with, and that's how I found out, there's no Santa Claus.
There's a lot to unpack here, but I need to sidestep into some context that might eventually explain why I don't have a job here anymore, if I'm ever fired in the future. I asked Jack O'Brien, founder of this website, and my boss of a decade if I could do an entire episode of OPCD on this one scene, and he was like, nah. And then I, in an attempt to compromise, asked if I could do an entire episode of OPCD on the movie Gremlins. And to that, he said, also no. Because we only do one OPCD a month, and Gremlins is probably right on the edge of that bubble of things that the internet might care about, so I shouldn't waste an OPCD on a topic that a lot of people might not f*** with. And then I, in an attempt to not compromise, made the episode anyway. Because I have some pretty deep issues with authority, for which I have been previously reprimanded at this company in the past for. But I think, at the end of the day, sometimes you just need to f***ing talk about Gremlins.
You understand? You get it. You're cool. You're on my side. Alright. On to the thing.
Billie decides to share this story in the middle of a monster attack. This isn't like a brief moment of calm for them. They've been living in a town overrun by Gremlins, and the police can't help them. And we already know that the Gremlins have a body count and are freaking it everywhere, and she's just like, this is as good a time as any.
You're probably wondering why I hate Christmas. And it is weird for a person to hate Christmas. I mean, it's slightly weirder that Billie previously assumed it was a religious thing. I don't celebrate Christmas. What, are you Hindu or something? Being another religion doesn't mean you hate other religions' holidays.
Billie, get woke. Anyway, it is weird that she makes a big show out of hating Christmas, and maybe Billie was interested in that story before at some point, but telling it in the middle of a monster war is a really odd choice. Also, ineffective, because when she's telling the story of her dad snapping his neck and getting trapped in a chimney, let's look at Billie.
Me and mom were decorating the tree, waiting for dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn't home. His mom called the office. No answer.
Funny, he is not listening. You're pouring your heart out, and he is actively checking phones for reception and, like, objectively half-paying attention to you. You're like, my father, Santa Claus, and my innocence all died on the same day. And he's like, mm-hmm, I hear you, yeah, parents are the worst. My dad's not home a lot, too.
Do you, would you check for a phone or a light switch or something to hurt the monsters? Also, Kate, you're closer to the story, is that's how I learned there's no such thing as Santa? What are you, are you trying to be cute? Hope you get a laugh?
Your dad's dead. And people are dying around you right this second. Save the cutesy, NPR bullshit for your f***ing memoirs. The tiny green monsters have hacked into the streetlights.
Double also, the story that occurs in the middle of running away from monsters never comes up again. It's never even discussed. Billie doesn't grab her and say, aw, baby, there is a Santa, and it's me, I'm Santa, and I know who's been naughty, and it's the Gremlins. And so Santa's gonna f***ing kill some Gremlins, I guess, to bring some kind of poetic closure to your story. That doesn't happen. He doesn't even say, I'm really sorry about that. She tells this whole long story about her dad dying in a f***ing chimney on Christmas, and it never comes up again, ever.
Finally, also, since we're talking about Kate, Phoebe Cates' character, Kate, let's, uh, Jack was right, this episode is super off the rails, Kate has two jobs that we know of. She works with Billie at the bank and also works at the bar. Gremlins take over the town, and literally everyone is either like, kill them or let's get out of here because their existence challenges the tenuous grasp on reality that I previously had and I'm not getting ready to confront a world where monsters are real. Two great options. Kate, meanwhile, serves the Gremlins at her bar. The Gremlins show up, and instead of saying, you don't have IDs, and also most of you are naked, and gross, and none of you should be a thing. She pours them drinks and lights their cigarettes. I've bartended in a small town before. You cut people off when they get too crazy, and these monsters are shooting guns at each other. The times when I served more to insufferable people were times when I anticipated a big tip. There is no way they're paying her at all, so she would like, full blown get fired after this. A bunch of naked Gremlins and some hipster Gremlins showed up, and I indiscriminately poured beer and liquor into all their glasses, and now I didn't have a credit card on file, but they seem trustworthy, hey? Bad judgement, you're gone. But here's another weird thing about Kate, separate from the other weird things about Kate. When daylight approaches, all the Gremlins go to a dark place to hide because light of any kind kills Gremlins, a fact that is rarely exploited.
And they choose a movie theater showing Snow White, a classic Christmas movie that theaters routinely replay at Christmas, whatever, f**k it. They're in the movie theater.
And Billy and Kate go there, and Billy asks Kate, do you know where the boiler room is? Where's the boiler room? It's in the back of the fan. And she f**king does. She knows that the boiler room for this movie theater is behind the screen and through a secret trapdoor in the floor. Not to turn this into the jobs I've had show, but my first job was a movie theater. I worked there for three years, and I couldn't tell you where the boiler room was. I'm in senior management of my current job, which I've been doing for 10 years, and I don't know where the boiler room for our building is right now. How in the entire motherf**k does Kate know where the hidden boiler room is for this movie theater?
Meanwhile, when they go to the candy and sporting goods store, her only job is to find a light switch, and all she manages to do is turn on a fountain. Gremlins hate lights, but they love water. How do you manage to remotely turn on a fountain? A fairly non-intuitive task, but you can't find a light switch. Have you checked, uh, next to the door where all light switches have been since the beginning of f**kin' time, Kate?
What's your deal, Kate? Do you run this town or don't you?
What else?
I rewatched this movie recently, and I completely forgot that Billy's father was a character. Like when I thought about the movie, I thought about Billy and Phoebe Cates running around, and there was Gizmo and the bad Gremlins, and Billy's mom being a f**kin' boss, waving out Gremlins like god-dad Captain America. But Billy's dad didn't make an imprint on me.
But check this out. The movie opens and closes with his narration. That's me there on the corner. I'm an inventor, and I have a story to tell. The movie starts with Billy's dad being like, this is my story, strap in. But literally, he buys Gizmo from a child, gives it to his son Billy, and then he and his narration leave for the rest of the movie. That's it. He buys Gizmo in the beginning, and then shows up at the end of the movie after all of the Gremlins have been murdered, and he has to give Gizmo back. And after Gizmo leaves, his narration pops back in to be like anyway, that's my story. Well, that's a story. Man, you weren't even in this story.
He was trying to sell a smokeless ashtray to a gas station attendant while the town was under attack. This is the Peltzer Smokeless Ashtray.
We open and close with the narration of a guy who was the least involved in the actual plot of the movie. Apart from buying Gizmo, the father is the least important character in this whole film. At no point in the production of this film did someone say, hey, this weird noir inter-monologue stuff is strange and not a tonal fit, and we never revisit it again throughout the movie, and maybe we should cut it.
I know they answered that question. No, no one ever said that.
They kept it. They kept everything. They kept it all, baby.
Even the weirder stuff. Like, I'm going to go to my grave knowing that this classic amazing movie probably could have used a few more drafts at the screenplay stage. I miss all of the Gremlin and Gizmo stuff.
There's a weird subplot about everyone in town struggling with the bank and losing money, and there was this horrible old woman who somehow ran the town and was making everyone poor. The bank and I have the same purpose in life, to make money. Not to support a lot of deadbeats. It's a weird, it's a wonderful life reference that never bears any fruit. A bunch of people are struggling in the town making vague payments, and this old woman plus the bank don't seem to care. You'd think that by the end someone would have figured out a way to make money off Gremlins and save the town, thereby giving the movie some kind of sense of closure on a problem that occupied the first third of the film, but nope. Also completely separately, the woman has twice explicitly in this movie threatened to slowly and painfully murder Billy's dog.
It better keep him behind locked doors because if I catch him, he's in for slow death. I'll take him to the kennel. They'll put him to sleep. It'll be quick and painless compared to what I could do to him. Maybe I'll put him in my spin dryer on high heat.
Better do it all right. And we're all fine with that because she somehow runs this town. It's never made clear what her power of the town is, but everyone owes her money and everyone fears her so much that she's allowed to openly get like rock lady hard about torturing a dog to death.
She eventually gets brutally murdered by the Gremlins, which, I don't know, man. What am I supposed to, what am I rooting for at this point? She wants to murder dogs and she hates Christmas carolers, but like murder is wrong and the Gremlins are bad. And I'd rather she learn a lesson than just get murdered, but like I don't even know where function in the movie was. To just be mean and die, she was just a powerful but miserable crone that made our heroes' lives inconvenient until she was murdered by the bad guys.
War is complicated and I'm wise for noticing that. Oh yeah, that's something that always sticks with me.
Gremlins is essentially a horror movie. It's a bunch of monsters trying to lay waste to a town. In most monster movies, we're dealing with a supernatural thing, a super strong thing, and that's true of Gremlins because they're supernatural. But by the end of the movie, Stripe, the main bad Gremlin, becomes a bigger threat when he picks up a gun. F***ing love that. And I don't know why more horror movies haven't done the same thing. He's a scary monster and our heroes are like, there's nothing scarier than that. And he picks up a gun and it's like, oh, f*** the monster's armed. And he's just indiscriminately firing bullets. Jason, Freddy, the aliens, they never just pick up a pistol. Such a natural next step for monsters that most movies completely ignore.
He was a Gremlin. He had sharp teeth. He ate human flesh.
That was enough to be scary and then suddenly, gun! And now it's just a standoff between an unarmed human and a sophisticated monster. I don't know why, but it's one of my favorite things that the final standoff isn't between human with human tools and monster with its innate monster ability. But it's a standoff that has nothing to do with our bad guy being a monster. It's like if the inevitable Harry and Voldemort standoff ended with Harry being like, he didn't see this coming. And then he whips out a gun and Voldemort is like, but it's my one weakness. I'm sure there's a commentary on how guns are the real monster, but this is not the show to make that argument. I'm not even supposed to be talking about Gremlins, so.
Aha, yes, I was ready for this. Put some amount of time on the clock, go.
There's a struggling war veteran with PTSD who early in the film said Gremlins were taking down our planes in the war. And then later, when he sees a Gremlin, he's like, it's one of the Gremlins I was talking about from the war. It's the same Gremlins brought down our planes in the big one. That's right, World War II. So like, confirmed, Gremlins were working against America in the war? Gremlins, next.
Billy finds the science teacher dead and tells no one. Next. Seriously, he goes to the cops who don't believe him about the Gremlins. He doesn't even try to say, don't believe me? There's a dead science teacher up at the school right now. Speaking of cops, hey, it's Mike from Breaking Bad. Next.
Where are the rules of that car? I'm not trying to be a dick, but like, how are you driving that? Does the car that fits you have a functioning gas and brake system? If so, why?
Never mind. Here's another thing. I'm not sure what you thought you were doing with that wrench in the boiler room, but you did it wrong. That's not the direction you want to wrench stuff for the outcome you were hoping for, Billy.
Since, Billy? Hey, Billy, since we're talking, I have a lot to say about your sexuality. And I think you've...
Ow! Okay, that's all for now. Join us next time when our topic will be Gremlins, too. Ooh, boy! Really trying to get fired, I guess. Okay. Bye. Hey, everyone.
Thank you for watching that obsessive pop culture disorder about Gremlins. And yeah, it was made before Jack announced that he was leaving. So that's why that's weird. Anyway, if you like the show, we're doing another show called Excessive Pop Culture Discussion where it's me and a couple of these clowns talking about pop culture. If you like OPCD, you'll love EPCD. So check it out. Obviously, someone made me do this. |
dropout | too_much_moneyball_from_jest_com | $400 million in ticket sales. $75 million from our cable network. $5 million in Derek Jeter bobbleheads. What are we going to do with all of it? We can keep it.
Not one new idea. Not one.
I need less money. Look, we're not Kansas City or Pittsburgh. We're New York. We have a lot of money. Figure something out. Our problem is that we have a lot of money, right? So maybe our goal should be to spend it. No, the legal hit us with the luxury tax. We'll pay that too. I believe there are ways to spend money.
You aren't even thinking about it. Overpaid hometown heroes. Cherry pick. Top free agent. Sign her a lever for three years, then blow his arm out after one. Sign eight starting pitchers. Post obscene amounts for unproven foreign players.
We aren't players in the casino. We are the casino.
I don't know, Mr. Cashman. I've never played for $120 million before. How about $180? Yeah.
Brian Cashman is ruining baseball because you can't spend your way to a championship. Here's what he needs to do. Get rid of the dollars, get rid of the cents, and just play the game. Thousand dollar bills don't hit home runs. Players hit home runs. You can't just buy all the good players.
What is happening in New York?
Spending all that money is miraculously working out for them. The New York Yankees professional sports most storied, gloryed franchise has once again scaled baseball's Everest. If we win by spending all this money, we'll change the game. |
ClickHole | girls_share_their_worst_first_date_stories | My worst first date. Oof. I mean, ugh. Dating is bad. All of it.
Well, I met him online, and we've been messaging for a while, and then one day he told me that I was someone that he'd like to eat a meal in front of. It's a long story, but we had mutual friends, and out of all of those friends, I wanted to kiss her more than I wanted to kiss any of our other friends. We met at a bar, and I was interested in seeing him again, but in a different building. So we went to dinner. Then we went for drinks.
Caught a show. But my first impression of her? Yikes. If you want to date me, don't show up 72 hours late to the restaurant. He walked in wearing his dirtiest football helmet, still chewing his mouth guard from last season. And even though his profile said that he was six foot three, he was still way shorter than me because I grew three feet on the train ride over. If you think you're going to be stuck down a Chilean mine shaft that night, just text me. Strike one.
So we ordered drinks. So we split a bottle of wine. I had a beer, and then some more beers. I want to start out by saying I keep a two drink max. I don't want people thinking my blood is made from wine and I need to keep refilling my veins to survive.
But he drank so much that he actually confronted the waitress about the time she killed his mother. He was so loud that even I could hear him, and my head was near a ceiling fan at this point.
Oh, also? Just because your food grows an arm and throws you against a wall does not make it okay to send it back. Strike two. And then there was the conversation. Ugh. I get it. Before me, you dated Mary Steenburgen, and that's fine. Mary? Effing. Steenburgen?
Well, I dated her too, but you don't see me going around talking about Melvin and Howard all the time. And you know what else you don't see me doing? Bragging about how much money I swallow every day? Constantly checking the NBA draft for mentions of my name. Talking with your mouth full of tablecloth?
Or asking me how many kids I wanted to heave off of a roof someday. That's strike three, four, five, and six. Check please.
But FYI, after dinner, we don't have to kiss our waiter goodnight. You don't have to walk me back to the ocean. And I don't want to marry you tomorrow.
Are you honestly trying to make me jealous? Really? Are all first dates like this? Why? It shouldn't be this bad. |
dropout | winter_olympics_in_60_seconds | Hi, I'm Bob Casas with the 2010 Winter Olympics in 60 seconds. Let's get started. First off, Sean White wins the X Games, which were accidentally scheduled at the same time as the real Olympics. What an embarrassing mistake. In skiing, Lindsey Von Shin wins the gold.
So does Bobby Miller, so he can go back to being an alcoholic without feeling guilty about it. Cheers. For some insight into Canada, we go to Mary Carillo. Polar Bears! In men's figure skating, Lady Gaga took six plays while Yevgeny Plashenko took home two medals. Silver in reality, gold in his head. More after these messages. Marriage ref, bitches! This gelsed in. Every single Olympian has a brother with Down syndrome. God bless him. Mary Carillo. Maltese! Apollo 1 now has eight medals in a stupid goatee, shattering his previous record of five medals in a stupid goatee. Now women's figure skating.
Let's go to Scott Hamilton. Thanks, Scott.
Dead Mom. Harry Potter.
Women wearing makeup and cleaning.
Nobody cares. And Ryan Miller. I don't care what anybody says.
Don't hold your head up high. You **** this royally on this one. Mary?
Bacon! This is their bacon! What a fortnight!
Nothing could bring down the elated mood of these Winter Olympic Games. Alright, see you in 2014. I'm Bob Costas and I haven't aged in 25 years. |
dropout | full_benefits_the_late_night | So what do you think of my new sheets? Actually, they're a little scratchy. No way, they're like a hundred thread count.
Seriously? That's like the lowest you can buy. What? The guy at Walgreens lied to me. Wow. Hey, what happened to you last night?
Uh, see you later, Pat. See ya. Hey. Uh, I thought you were gonna come over. See ya later, Stan. Hey, Stan.
Okay, is there anyone else in here? Yeah. The sound of the copier helps my digestion. Who was that? I don't know. Okay, but now I think we're alone. Thanks. And yeah, sorry about last night. I was actually with Rachel. Oh. Wow, I didn't know that was still going on. Yeah, it is. And it's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I feel like you and I should stop hooking up for a little bit. You do. Because of Rachel. And Joe, which reminds me.
I would love to get his email address. I have this hilarious gift.
Yeah, sure. That's probably for the best. I was actually gonna say the same thing because of Joe. Cool. That's uh, that's great. I'm glad we agree with one another. So I guess you and I will just steer clear of each other for a little bit. No problem.
I'm gonna need you both to stay late tonight and finish that script.
Uh, actually, I have a dog. I have a dog. I have a dog appointment.
Don't say lie. Good feedback. Listen, I know this is rough, but we all have to make sacrifices sometimes. Life isn't all fun and games, you know?
I need that script on my desk by 8am. Oh! Go football!
Okay, is this really necessary? Hey, we made a promise to each other and I intend to keep it. Okay, is it just mirrors at like 100 degrees in here? Yeah, I think they turn off the air at night. Well, what are you doing? I'm dying over here. Come on. Just like avert your eyes or something. David... Oh god, my button broke. Okay, here's something. What if instead of... What the hell is that?
The cleaning ladies love Kenny G. Where'd you go?
Two dozen chocolate-covered strawberries.
Okay, what if we scrap the beginning and... You wanna go find the light switch? Yes. Okay, I am certain the switch is over here. You're certain or you're guessing. You know what?
This is the wrong closet. Man, I always get my closets confused. Uh, David? The door's locked. Okay, seriously? Why do we even have a mattress closet? |
TheOnion | Hurricane_Bound_For_Texas_Slowed_By_Large_Land_Mass_To_South | We've got good news I'm told from meteorologist Kevin Fisher and the Onion News Network Live 365 total weather coverage super tower. Kevin what's the update?
Well as recently as last night we were predicting hurricane Isaac was on a collision course with the Texas coast here But we're now able to confirm it has changed its path And it's slammed into this big landmass to the south of us. That is an amazing development We've dodged a bullet here. We certainly have all these deadly winds and torrential rains We thought we're going to be so devastating. We're actually hitting right above this hook shape area amazing I guess we can be thankful for that big buildup of dirt down there Yeah This whole area here is basically serving as a kind of sandbar for America break wall Exactly if it wasn't there we'd be getting hit with one of the worst hurricanes of the past decade right now We're now predicting in the next couple of hours Isaac will head west and tear through this funnel looking part here with all these cities on it right the time it gets anywhere Near us. It's just gonna be a series of thunderstorms. All right, that's quite a blessing That's an amazing storm could have been quite a tragedy Yeah, Michael killer winds like these could have caused some major damage to those, Texas Yes, and you can just imagine how horrific it would have been had those winds hit Houston Astro Stadium getting ripped apart instead of that little hut thing. We scary stuff I understand FEMA had been preparing for a major emergency They had already trucked in tons of relief supplies food bottled water medical kits.
You don't need them No, we're not gonna need any of that now they can ship it all right back to DC Thank goodness for that, but not all good news Michael Isaac is battering the coast quite hard in this area here Which sadly is a known breeding ground for grouper and softshell crabs to delicious seafood delicacy So you may have to skip the crab cake appetizers at the deck party this week. Okay? Yeah Sorry about that, but the silver lining is Corpus Christi should be clear and warm and hey, it's bikini season Meteorologist Kevin Fisher. Thank you very much for the good news turning to the campaign trail now John McCain courted black churchgoers with a large beautiful hat today |
TheOnion | Man_Who_Crossed_US_In_Balloon_Only_Talks_About_Horse_Abuse | Adventurer Trent Montag just returned from an amazing six-month cross-country hot air balloon trip. Wow. Mr. Montag, thanks for joining us. I don't mind admitting to you right up top, sir.
I have always fantasized about riding in a hot air balloon. I haven't done it yet, but it seems like so much fun. Dreamy. Well, in my case, I did it for a very good cause, to raise the awareness for people of horse abuse in America. Really? I've always wanted to go in a hot air balloon. Tell us about it. It's very interesting.
Four years ago, I read an article about race horses being slaughtered because they were past their prime. These horses are shoved into trucks and carried long distances so they actually suffocate from lack of oxygen slowly and painfully. That is just terrible.
But how does the balloon aspect of this come into it? Did you always want to be a balloonist? Yeah, the balloon really wasn't the point. It was something to draw attention to the cause. The media needed to pay attention to me, and I thought a balloon was a good idea. You know, a balloon journey is not a bad way to go. Riding in a balloon is terrifying.
Well, I understand you brought some video along, right? Should we take a look at the video? Let's look at the video now, yeah. Oh, look at that.
That's the badlands of South Dakota. The balloon provided me a way to let people know what the face of horse abuse was like. Oh, my God. Tell us about the day-to-day life in a balloon for six months.
What did you eat? I ate very little. And even then, I was so much better off than these horses you see in Central Park pulling people around on protein bars. I ate very little.
I suddenly dropped dead from exhaustion after years of photos that you took along your journey. We should take a look at those. Yeah. Now, these are not of your balloon, right? No. Okay. I found mistreated horses all across the country.
Now, you say the journey took six months. That's a real long time to be by yourself. At what point do you start talking to yourself? I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts, obviously.
My thoughts were about pregnant mares tethered into tiny little skulls so you could collect their urine. See this tube? What's that for? This tube is shoved up their urethra to collect their urine. Have you ever had one of these stuck up to you?
I brought you some gifts. We're just about out of time with this segment, but we do want to thank you very much for coming by. It features my website, horsesdeservebetter.com. Perhaps another time, we'll invite you back to talk about that. In the meantime, you stay tuned because coming up, we're going to have some fun. We're going to have some recipes that will make your tacos taste more American than ever before. In the kitchen. Stay tuned. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_71_Ashes_Special_with_The_Grade_Cricketer | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overell, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well it's Ashes Eve, we're here in the Baxter Boot Studios in downtown Batutah, Daru Street. This is going to be our third repeat guess I think, Errol would have said no we had Becky Lucas on twice and then we had Ty Tui Vasa and in the theme of having great sports analysts like Ty Tui Vasa, Rennie Mathur, Willie Mason, Leonard Ferguson, we've decided to catch up with the great cricketer boys, how are ya? Good thanks gentlemen, good to be in Batutah, some esteemed company that you've just put us in there, that's actually something that I'll take to the grave up there with Rennie Mathur and Willie Mason.
The dogs of war.
Yeah absolutely, unleash them, don't worry, let's never speak of O2 again. O4 is all we talk about.
And we also had ET in here the other day to talk all things you know, Marlon, Flathead, Paul Miller, someone's wife, Mitch Healy, he was very earnest wasn't he ET? Well there were lots of people who were asking in the comments that they were like hey boys, great one but you didn't mention Paul Miller.
Well you know, he was the first Hillsong rebrand though, that was the first get out of jail card, I think a few people have done it since, like you go Christianity light and you can pretty much be forgiven for what you've done but Jared Hain seems to have gone, he's gone the worse, he's gone worse since he's been converted so. Christianity is very important in sport right now and cricket in particular. Any happy clappers in the Australian cricket side? Yeah, starts at the top mate, Jay Elza, he's huge for it, not just the traditional religion but also the new age. Oh yeah, he's more energies though, chakras. No but he's had some discussions with Manus Labushakni and others around faith. Jay Elza's stated public man of faith, he told a story recently about when he scored his 250 on Boxing Day, what year was that, 2006 maybe, yeah one of them, 2002, 3 or whatever, we were good. Richie Benno commented when he was on 170, not out, that he looked to be in a meditative state and he since said well Richie had no idea because when Langer went to scratch his guard into the crease, so for those listening you take centre to know where your centre stump is, he couldn't actually get a line scraped so he did it sideways, so he did it kind of horizontally and when he looked down he saw that he'd made a perfect cross and so he looked at that cross, this is true story, look at eternity.com as I was last night. Eternity.com. I thought it was because he saw Jesus in his jam of Scotland tea. It could have been that as well but Langer's a stated man of faith and now Bancroft, who looks to be set to be recalled, is a yoga instructor, Manus Labushakni is a man of faith, he has an eagle sticker on his bat and his favourite Isaiah quote.
This is the new way to make the Australian side. And the Australian team is sponsored by GoFundMe as well.
Well you saw when the English side won the cricket world cup a couple blocks jumped out of the photo when the champagne came out, I don't know if you saw that, might have been something to do with their faith as well. Yeah it certainly wasn't Ben Stokes. I think he was locked up, well I think the only faith he'd have now would be going for the All Blacks in the World Cup. I'm thinking back now to England, who was it that Warner put on their arse out front of the?
Joe Root. Yeah, he brushed his beard, he had a swing at him in a walkabout bar. Joe Root was wearing a beard, he was dressed up as Hashim Amla, who Dave Warner had an affinity to. Dave Warner protected Hashim's honour by punching Joe Root in the face.
Much like Brent Stokes protected the gay person that was... Same situation. Exactly the same situation, just leaving in someone's defence. Yes, protection. Yeah, when that guy was lying on the ground he thought, well I need to protect myself.
Well you know, that was the exact same thing that happened at the Bourbon and beef steak all those years ago when I think it was Justin Langer who came in for the defence of Ricky Ponting. Poor young Ricky at the time was getting flogged and in comes... It was a hate crime. Big Justin and everyone knows that his black belt in Tae Kwon Do, wasn't it? So yeah, he kicked that bloke in the head apparently so hard that they almost had some lockout laws then.
Yeah. Oh my god. We've been 14 years earlier. I think what was going on around then too, George Freeman was still on the cross and that still made people want a blood curdle. This is pre... you bring him obviously. Yeah, when things were really bad before things got cleaned up by the gentleman.
But you know, speaking of sporting codes again, speaking of heroic sports does, did you see yesterday down in Bondi, Dylan Napper's neighbour's house lit on fire and he ran in with the garden hose and put it out? I didn't. He fucked up a few computers and TVs in the meanwhile, but he extinguished the neighbour's house fight. Let me say that in Melbourne, that hadn't made the Herald Sun back pages.
It's usually about four or five pages of AFL Supercoach chat before anything else happens. That's a front page actually. Probably touches for Dusty on the weekend. Yeah, exactly. Front page when we were down there was the top 18 ACL injuries of all time.
That was before any mention of the cricket. It was before the England World Cup. That was on sound alone too.
So what are your thoughts for the Ashes guys? How are you feeling? Nerves?
Well, I haven't felt anything in years. Yeah, I don't have any feelings at first.
Too much Coca Cola in the bloodstream.
There is a problem that I think Australia can win, which makes me worried because going into like previous Ashes series, basically since 2001, which is when we last we won. It's just like no dramas. We'll just get dusted up there and then we'll beat them 5-0 when they come back here. So this series doesn't matter. But I think Australia can actually win. So maybe like I got some trepidation. I might actually start watching the games.
Well, yeah, you know, well, it has been a very, very long time since we have sort of won there. And our last big win there, I guess, was overshadowed by what happened in 9-11 just a few weeks after our come of victory. 9-11 didn't happen though. Yeah, that's the problem. Bush did both though, he won the Ashes and 9-11. Yeah, no, it was. It was overshadowed. And we've had a troubled relationship with England over the years, I guess.
Is it still a thing that they honestly over there think it's a gentleman's game? Is that still how they feel about it? There's a bit of that.
Because, you know, since the days of old, it's never really been that. In recent memory, in televised cricket in Australia, it's never really been that. It's always been the fucking open collars and gold chains and the Westie look that was so big in Australian cricket. They were never considered gentlemen, surely.
No, it's gentry in the UK. It's like very posh. It's played in private schools, in private gardens. It's not played in major sports high.
Exactly. In Australia, it's very blue-cods, working class cricket, which is why we've acted like fuckwits for so many years. That's why some people in towns will get a start, you know? Unlike, you know, other sporting codes. But yeah, it's kind of Tour de France level over there, is it? Yeah, like one of the most famous English performances in the ashes, like Pantheon, was Ian Botham at Headingley in 1981. And there's a noted author over there, Marcus Berkman, who's sort of written for Wisden and all bunch of other books as well, who said like, you know, Botham's performance, where he sort of took six for a hit 50, then 149 not out, England turned around the game to win against the great Dennis Lilly and Jeff Thompson. It was like, it's like the bedtime story for children over there. That's how, it's got a very pure kind of feel over there. It is the gentleman's game. It's just when you go back to look at that game, you actually learn that Dennis Lilly bet on England to win that game. And that's the official story that the rest of the team possibly did as well.
Yeah, well, and I guess by 1981, you know, like, I think that Jeff Thompson and Dennis surely by 1981 were fucked. Yeah. You know, like, you can't bowl that fast for that long and not be fucked. Yeah.
I think, and well, like, I think, I think they've been doing some autopsies on the recent fast bowlers, the demon Spoffa, and they found the evidence of CTE and sort of, it's a whole thing. In their shoulders, CTE in their shoulders. And in the spine. Well, everyone does know that, uh, a fast bowler, they don't have a brain in their head. They have it in their spine and their shoulders.
But Brett Lee set up a F45 franchise in Mumbai.
So he must have some kind of brains to him. Yeah. Shane Watson's involved in that. Who I presume is the brains of the operation and the chest. He used to be able to bowl 140s. That's true. What's Brett then?
The glutes. Not sure. He's definitely the glutes.
Now there's a big difference between the great cricketers, obviously, you know, that's your, uh, that's who you represent, um, when you're over there in England and when you're on the microphone and, uh, you know, in every thing you guys do, you represent the great cricketers, the, the eternal kind of could have been, would have been, could still bees in that great game. The biggest difference between the ashes and cricket of that level and the great cricket is touring, which when you talk to professional cricketers, they spend so much time talking about touring, like how mad it is like they've never been on sleepover before. But have you experienced, and can you tell us some of the perks, uh, for, you know, our listeners that might not be experienced with touring on a great cricket level? Like what are we talking? Are we talking Marucci door trip or have you done it or does it just not happen? Sometimes, you know, get on the, um, you know, the road out to Campbelltown, uh, for a game if you're in an NDC Sydney team and that feels like a tour.
And so, you know, that will involve getting picked up by the captain. Maybe it'll stop at McDonald's. He'll ask what you want, but you have to pay for it yourself. You'll be an awkward conversation about whether you owe him for petrol or not. You know, you might, um, you might get a power rate along the way. You might, you might then forget that you haven't got afternoon tea yet.
So sort of double back around or wonder what's in your kit bag. This is, this is the, you know, perils of touring. There's no exhibition matches pre-season where you go to the, where you go to a shitty coastal town. You can organize those and sometimes it's good to get that good hit out against a rough country or coastal outfit who can really show you what it's like out in the, in the real world when you're in your sequestered gray cricket environment, you know, paying $2,000 for kit, um, you know, 500 for subs, you know, $80 on petrol just to get to a game out in Campbelltown. It's a different world in gray crickets for you. You've got to have money is what I'm saying.
Well, just as a sidebar, are you guys aware that you can buy a bat on eBay from India that is made in say homage to a, uh, a very expensive kookaburra or gray nickels. It is the middle of winter here and I'm gearing up to, are you trying to verify purchase? Yeah, no, I'm, I'm, I'm just asking if you guys have ever had experience with buying a bootleg cricket bat off the internet. Not me personally, but I did play with the guy who did buy a bat off eBay from India, the ones you're talking about.
And this thing way, it was like a railway sleeper. It was honestly like, it was like four pounds. This thing is white, like a heavy bats, three pounds. This thing was four pounds easily. It came over in six parts, honestly. And this is before Air Tasker took ages.
I have heard that Glenn McGraw used to carry a heavy bat because at the moment now I have a, I have a county and it's, uh, I feel it's partly responsible for me averaging eight as a number four last year. Yes. I thought you referred to Glenn McGraw's rifle. It seems to have one of them as well.
Picture was taken out of context. That was such a dead big cat. Anyway, well, there was the elephant, the Buffalo, which just, which just big six, but like just quietly, if I could get away with it, I'd fucking shoot.
There's plenty of land animals. You can, there's plenty of land animals.
How else are you like, you've only got one opportunity to see and touch an elephant. Touch it as it's dying. All right. Tangent here.
But what would be the biggest non endangered animal? You'd be able to shoot without people looking at you. Funny. Non endangered.
Yeah. Probably Chris tremblet. But yeah, an elephant is a, it's, it's, if it's up there with probably being more hectic than shooting a person. Yeah. It's so big because it has to come down so far. It's like shooting down a plane. You can shoot heaps of people in various countries if you need. Yeah. You know what I mean? Shooting a dolphin. They've all got personalities.
Anyway, moving on, moving on. Cause he has moved on and so is the Australian media cycle. So we'll move on from, from that particular holiday. Tell us what you're thinking about the ashes, like, you know, and then, and then where do we go?
Well, like the, in sort of contrast to my colleague, he goes as views, like I think Australia will be up against it. Like I think if Australia wins, it will probably be the like greatest away win since India 04. We've not been able to like score a run over there in about 20 years. That's due to like some, you know, fundamental technical issues that have essentially been installed by Greg Chappell and his demonic system. So like three or four guys are going to have to very much surprise us for Australia to get on top of England. They know how to play over there.
You know, sorry for the serious analysis. The problem is that like edge busting the foot where the first test is in Birmingham is like England's gabba where like Australia's always win. So you always start the series one nil up. And that's, that's a problem. And Australia suck in Birmingham.
We played this, we played the semifinal there in the World Cup. You know, we gave them a game in the fact that we turned up. Yeah. And then they, they chased down. Notice that on the scoreboard edge busts and they've still left the scorecard from the semifinal, just a little bit of microaggression from the English. When the Australians turned up to go to training, I'm like, oh fuck yeah, we lost that game. But they didn't, England does microaggression very well, as I kind of forgot to say. Well, yeah, well they did. Cause they took the, cause Australia were warming up on the ground that morning. That's why they left the scoreboard up there. But then like within three minutes of Australia going on the ground, they took the scoreboard down.
So if you had to commit to it, like play highlights on the screen, like fully double down. Big giant blue hand saying four, four nil. You know, that's how we celebrate. Which is still on the SCG. That's part of the center we could dispute actually. The SCG trust needs to get rid of that. Except for running around it. Yeah.
But yeah, Australia can't score a run really. So something like different is going to have to happen. But, you know, we have a big, a good pace attack. But yeah, I mean, so do England. England can't score runs either. I mean, in one day as they can. But we saw what happened with them in, against Ireland the other day. I mean, they won and they needed to win that because it would have been a horrible embarrassment out of the ashes. But fuck me, that was a game.
A lot of wickets tumbling. I think it's just a problem globally with batting. Nobody can bat anymore in cricket, which people think that's a technical issue. I think it's a, like a climate change issue really. It's a global warming, it's affected wickets. Tension issue. It's just too hot out there in the T20.
That's right. Like if Shorten brings like meaningful climate change policy, but he pitches it differently to the electorate. If he says, you know, I will, I will guarantee us 600s at the ashes and address climate change. He's, he's the prime minister.
You should have said six tons of the ashes. That's really all you should have said.
Now that is an issue that you hear from dribblers is that these kids are being taught to hit 50 immediately from day one. And in fact, in some age groups, I can't remember, you're not allowed to hit over 50 because it's kind of, it's all that everyone gets a prize kind of attitude where, you know, if kids are, cause you know, there's always that kid who can fucking really play cricket and he discourages a lot of other kids. Yeah, that's the kid that should get to the top cause he's hungry. That kid fucking earned it. It's a fucking dumb rule because you have these kids who can hit 50 in no time flat, but you know, you're not going to come in and say, oh, you've been taken too many wickets.
We're going to take you off. You've got these people who take eight for six and then, and then those poor other kids getting over and a half each and then this guy steams in again and, and, and gets the last two wickets and let them bat. Everyone go home. Yeah. Everyone's had some form of humiliation as a youngster.
I don't think that's in the same kind of realm as capital punishment. I think, you know, you hear people of yesterday, you talk about, I don't know about the cane that did nothing wrong to me and the, you know, they're in prison greens and they're saying all that kind of shit, but you never hear someone saying, I stopped playing cricket when we versed Kyle from, you know, Marta Burra who was 13 and got 300 against us. You never hear that.
Thanking Kyle for the life lesson. That's what it's going to be like in, you know, in the workplace, in relationships. You're going to get an outfit at some point. Yeah.
Has anyone here ever received a mercy rule in any capacity? No, I've inflicted one, but I've never, AFL under twelves, but I've never been on the, yeah, the other side. Phil Jake's made 321 against the team I was in once.
And like the, the embarrassment was that like, as he kept racking, like going past milestones, people like, oh, you've just gone past Bradman. Oh, you've just gone past like Steve. Oh, you're nearing Trump, but that was in like 2008.
Was it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where we lost out. Right. Yeah.
That's pretty, I think anyone though, who's played cricket and like in a two day aspect when the team chasing has passed your total, but the game can't finish until like, you know, tea time on day two or whatever for some nefarious reason. And the other team just keeps batting. So like they, they hit like the four to pass your title and then everyone's like, all right, we're going to, and the captain's like in the dressing room with his arms folded. Just be like, no, no, I'm going to give some, I'm going to give some of our blokes a hit for finals, which we won't make because we're terrible team as well.
Yeah. We're near it. We're nearing a record. There's often that, oh no, they're on for a record. Oh, great. Oh, he's on 60. So we're getting to get a hundred. Yeah. And then it's the most demoralizing thing. Yeah.
You're basically getting kiled. That's when it gets, that's when cricket becomes a, like a ruthless jungle. But when the game should be over, but someone decides that you've got to keep going, the opposition becomes feral, but I was in a game once where that happened and like, this was a, it was a decent level, like decent level. And our guys in our team started sitting on the ground, like sat on the ground. Someone started bowing left-handed when they were right-handed. Like it was just bringing the entire game to distribute. We're an average club, both performatively and morally. Didn't someone tell us a story last week about, it was an AFL game last week in Melbourne, someone lost by 500 points.
Yeah. This is, but this doesn't give you some heart on the flip side for Australia that stuff like that still happens. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like some deep humiliation. I really knew it happens as well. Every now and then you read about an Indian kid who's gone and hit 1,200. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
In 112's game. And it's the next section. I read about that day. And they've got an official umpire, so it's an official record. Well look where they are, they're number one test nation, so there's something in it.
They'll continue to rise to the middle class, 1.2 billion people. It's only going to get worse for us.
So, uh, I'm in China. Just going back to the Ashes for a minute.
Um, we touched on a small issue a couple of minutes ago about, um, we don't have any batsman that can score runs. They don't have any batsman that can score runs. We don't have any bowlers that could take wickets. They don't have any bowlers that can take wickets.
Do you think this will come down to who's got a better command over the Dukes? You think, you know, because we as a nation can't take wickets with a Dukes ball.
Yes. So do you think that's going to be the defining edge in this series? As always with cricket, like you think, oh, well, it should be a great matchup of skill. It should be, you know, which team has the best system, has the best junior pathways, products coming through. That's right. Yeah.
Like, like who's got the best, um, middle class. No, like, like whoever is the polar opposite of the Wallabies and Australian rugby union.
But at the start of this series, um, like the news emerged out of the UK and this clearly briefed, you know, to the UK press from the powers that be in England. Like they, um, their officials approached, uh, like the warehouse in Walthamstow that creates the Dukes balls and asked them to put together a darker Dukes ball. So like the darker the cricket ball, the more it moves around and the scarier the prospect it is for Australia. So the Ashes may have been one with the selection of Dukes balls in England more than anything else, which is the most English fucking thing you've ever heard in your life. I presume. Well, we've tried to bring in, we played the back half of the Sheffield shield last season with the Dukes ball. We started using their ball. We started using their ball, which means fuck all because we don't have the same atmospheric conditions as England, uh, famously, um, which is why they played their games in the Great Barrier Reef. It's another climate change issue. And then yeah, the scores when we started using Dukes balls were markedly lower.
Embarrassingly so. Embarrassingly low.
Yeah. Just going back to that gentry element, do you feel like, no, we just talk about England and the microaggressions and the way they played and how Australia's always been playing with macroaggression. And do you feel like ever since there was a bit of spark there when everyone was able to talk shit and have facial hair and were rough around the edges and now there's this woman's day brand of cricketer because they're cashing in on their baby's photos on their missos new job or whatever. And the wife's now a influencer and the wags are fucking kicking gold. I've got, I've got, you know, I've got a lot of praise and respect for them, but do you reckon that is affecting the game? Do you reckon that's affecting, do you reckon if there was a little bit more feral, perhaps it'd be a little bit more. Yeah.
Do you think it'd be better if, uh, our captain Tim Payne came out and said, get ready for a broken fucking arm? It would probably destroy his brand entirely, which he's been curating very well.
Excuse me. I'm going to ask you to respectfully break your arm. Um, we asked you, that's the first day. Well, we'll put this back on you guys.
I mean, like, how do you think, cause Sam and I were talking before about like, there's like this undercurrent of like the old Australia, which still exists. Cause like now we've got this nice guy image brought about by sandpaper. Cause like we basically can't be cunts anymore. And then, and now like we've got Tim Payne as the captain, beautiful face, three step skin regime, obviously before every game. But like there still exists like this level, like, do you guys feel that as well? Like a level underneath to like, we don't, we don't buy it. We don't buy the nice guy act. No, I saw a little bit of a it in Johnson. Um, a little bit of the, the edge and actually a lot in Warner early days, but pre, pre Roxy, pre, uh, candy.
I reckon it has changed. Like the entire culture has sort of changed. And now we have adopted this culture of losing, which I think comes from being, you know, like nice.
I think we're a bit too corporate in these games, especially, you know, in, in a game like cricket where it's more or less a mind game, you know, like yours, you're stuck with the same opponent for, for months on end. I don't think you can kill them with kindness. I mean, you could have a beer with them afterwards, but on the field, you just have to fucking out, out count each other.
We did that. That's what we did in 1989 when we were just tired of losing, but 81, obviously both them's ashes and so on. And we were pretty shit in the eighties. It was pretty grim time. Kim Hughes resigned at a tearful resignation in the mid eighties.
And we brought in Alan border who obviously the grandfather of Australian cricket went over in 89 to, to England. We went when flute business class, boony drank 52 beers.
This was this new masculinity. And we were just there balls out. We weren't going home without a victory there. And then that lasted for many, many years. And it's all really, you know, 2005 when, you know, teetering frosted tips, came in and I think I was around the, the kind of Metro sexual wave as well. So it kind of ties in with social trends to the decline of the man, really the Australian man.
I wouldn't necessarily say that either because for everything we said and Errol just said there, where you can't kill them with kindness on the field or after, I mean, you can have a beer with them afterwards. But you can't kill them with kindness on the field, but you also shouldn't be trying to physically fight them on the way back in.
And that's, and that's another side of it too. That's, that's a big no-no. And that was the first I reckon we've ever seen. When Warner finally spat the dummy.
And I can't, you know, I would have done the same thing a hundred percent, but I'm not an Australian cricketer and I don't have a brand to protect. But the thing is we like, we've always had identity issues. Um, like, you know, which obviously, obviously goes back to reckoning with our, you know, indigenous genocide and stuff. Like we, we, Australia's never known who they are. And so we always have to, um, have an angle, you know, like, uh, Stuart Broad made the comment the other day that, you know, when, when, uh, Ricky Ponting was in charge, it was like, never look at the opposition, never look at England.
You know, we want to create a warrior image. When Michael Clark was there, it was get ready for a broken fucking arm. And now it's like, take your shoes off and walk around the ground barefoot. We're yoga instructors, we're muscular Christians now.
Apologize for everything. Yeah, exactly. Like apologizing.
Guys are getting selected based on their kind of love relationship with Justin Langer. We're still confused. And yet beneath the surface, you just feel like that, that anger is there. It's only going to take one or two collapses and the calls from them will come back. We were at our heyday when Trevor Hons had to hide his car whenever he posted, you know, his team, you know, inevitably there'd be like, like a fast baller in the wings, like your Gillespie's, your Casper's who would go to his car and kick off a side mirror or something, you know, like, but now you've got stark who is going to miss out on the first test.
What's he going to do? He'll, you know, he'd go back to the hotel room and just go, Oh, bummer.
Strange things. Even the dressing, though, is very confusing time, because you were just saying about how, you know, like in the dressing room, you got Cameron Bancroft, you know, certified yoga instructor. So, you know, you know, LaBouche has got an eagle eagle eagle on his bat, referencing Isaiah from the Bible. You know, Justin Langer, spirituality and stuff, but also Steve Wars there. So it's like those, those are those worlds colliding. It doesn't make any sense. The Australian cricket team is like, it's like two companies have merged, like, and it hasn't quite gone that well. They're two very different companies, different DNA. You know, you've got the alpha Steve War side of things and the aggression, then you've got the new age spirituality stuff.
And they're just working through that merger at the moment. Yeah, kind of like SBS Viceland. Yeah, exactly.
It's what are the synergies? What are the deliverables? And are there going to be any layoffs?
Yeah. And do we see any naked people? Hopefully not. Um, but yes, there is. But also we do, we probably are.
We spoke about this last week with Marsden. There's probably a bit of misplaced nostalgia there as well, because things have been toxic in the past. Things have been very, very toxic. There's all that fucking Clark stuff that if you speak to anyone, any deep gen exes, they'll tell you that Clark was the worst thing that ever happened to Australian cricket. And, you know, before that there was something, people used to talk shit about punter all the time.
I think that kind of more importantly, he did one thing that every captain should, and he scored bulk runs. And winning and runs can override everything. Yeah, I think exactly.
I think that when you're winning, I don't think that people tend to care about these things. I just think when things get bad, that's when the fingers start to come out.
And didn't Clark play his cricket like the way Australian wants to play their cricket? It was like just chests out Mitchell Johnson around the wicket, buying a tail enders, bumping people.
You know, it was like the guy that's peacocking at the pub. You know, that's what he was. He was, oops, oops. He was very like, unlike any other Australian captain before Clark, obviously like tattoos, drove a Ferrari or Porsche. He was probably the first model girlfriend.
It wasn't too much for us. It was all too much all too once for us. It was a lot. If you staged that out, it just came all in our faces too quickly.
Yeah, I think he was a healthy mix, I think, between Steve Warr and Michael Slater. The best of both.
Where you just had this unbridled aggression with just this underlying saturation of just insanity of just, you know, rumors about this and that and driving the sports car and having a Superman on your fucking arm, you know, I think that was the, uh, but now the Shane Ward's influence very early. Yeah, he was, you know, first captain's got a rock pool. I couldn't imagine like Alan Ward or Mark Taylor rock pool necessarily.
Yeah. At Trax one night in 2004, um, he lost an earring and, uh, like Trax was a Thursday night place, $3 drinks, et cetera, post uni. And, uh, he sort of from around that area and, um, yeah, he, he lost an earring and, uh, literally asked the, um, DJ to turn off the music and for the lights to come on so he could find it. Right. So that was, and this was pre his selection in the Australian site. We found the earring. Yeah. You definitely helped.
Now you guys, you guys are about to head off to England, um, and you're going to be doing live shows there. What is your reception like there? And what is your puntership look like? Where, how do you, I mean, I'll be here. I can imagine it. There's a great cricket, a lot of kind of Husky gents, a lot of Coca-Cola vanilla Coke kind of blog. Um, what are you looking at over there?
I know what you're talking about, Coke zero. No, no, like, like, like it means the type of bloke who would go out and stand blazing hot sun for six hours, be parched, thirsty as fuck. First thing he goes, walks past the bubbler and goes straight to his kit bag and takes out a piping hot half full fucking beat. Like, like a long neck of Coke zero and downs it. He goes, he goes, ah, I would play with so many guys.
That is the type of, yeah, that's Australia. We're not sure actually. I mean, you know, it is a bit of a brave new world for us. We're going over there. We know we have an audience certainly in London, but it's the regions we don't know so much about.
So Birmingham's the first show in a couple of days, frighteningly. And then off to Leeds and Manchester and then back to London where we have sold two shows out. But yeah, really, really interesting to see what the Birmingham crowd's like. First off, we've got Merv Hughes with us, so, you know, he'll provide some support, emotional and physical, hopefully for us, depending on how things go. And then we've got Tim Bresnan as the special guest for the Leeds and Manchester shows, who's kind of just a legend over there.
So we just want people to get around us. Maybe even if you don't know who we are, just turn up and get around us.
It's going to be half expats, isn't it? And the other half are just people who are curious about Australians and what they're about. It's an anthropological experience. They're very curious about us. People who are after an anthropological examination of club cricket.
Yeah. I mean, if you are listening in Leeds or Manchester to the Petunia Advocate podcast, then please come along for that. And you're interested in those things. I mean, I'm naked when we go on stage, so it's a full dissection. Well, I mean, one thing is for sure is that although we don't know who will turn up in England out, demographics and analytics tell us that it will probably be 97% male. We're trying to improve the ratio, I promise you. This interview should help well with that. I would imagine so. Well, we are almost split down the middle now. That is fantastic. 50-50, just like parliament should be.
Well, we did a show last week in Melbourne and we had some friends in the audience last week where you guys did anyway. And there was like one text came through saying someone had said, there are women here, hot ones too. And then someone else like three seconds later sent a text saying, absolute cockfest. Yeah, same bloke. Walked around the corner.
Actually, there's no women here.
Yeah, he had a drink. He just walked past a hen's party in the front of the bar. We actually got invited to perform at a hen's party in London.
That's been part of our trip. So on our podcast, we take some questions and somebody wrote in saying, listen, I never listened to your podcast. I've never listened to it at all, but my husband likes to run a bath and lie in it and listen to it and laugh for 45 minutes.
But she was, this woman who wrote in. That's very vanilla cogs. Yeah, right.
Run a tub and put your boys water. Beside the bath.
But she wrote in and said, look, I understand. I'm told that niche stripping is in at the moment. And she was made of honor for her friend. She was putting on the hen's party and she has invited us in a couple of weeks time to be niche strippers at her hen's party.
So we'll come dressed in whites. Have we replied yes to that yet? Yeah, we're on. It's on. So that's just before our London show.
Really? For a box? Yeah. So no, I'm not going to fucking Melbourne with the city. Yeah.
You guys seem like good people, but Melbourne's too far. Yeah, no, it's interesting what people will try and do for entertainment, those kind of things. That sounds like they're really stuck for ideas. Maybe it's just hard to get strippers in England.
But also you guys have got pretty tidy rigs. So I think they should be all right with that. Well, speaking of some tidy rigs, the battle between Josh Hazelwood and young Peter Siddle, your tip, who's in and who's out? Is it just between those two? And why? I think so.
Stark's out. I think he's probably more or less leaning to be a Brendan Julian type operator as opposed to the big shoes left behind by Glenn McGrath. That's a big couple of disguise. Yeah, huge Stark.
The damage hit Julian did 95 carabiners with the ball. As a bowler.
I've got a feeling that I've got to feel and this will come out and get away. Yeah. It feels like Siddle to me. It feels like they're going to go with Siddle. A couple of the journos are saying that they've been priming Siddle for this Ashes series for a year, keeping him in cotton wool, getting him playing county cricket.
Josh Hazelwood seems to be out of form. I don't know, you know, just laying us off him. And Mitchell Stark obviously hasn't been able to move the red ball since Santa Fe bus.
So that's a coincidence. Yeah. And it's a total, it is a massive coincidence.
Hazelwood's furious still from missing out of the World Cup. He was dirty not to be there.
So he would be fired up, but we've already got Pattinson who is just aggressive in his own right. So yeah, what do you want there? Wouldn't it be good to see them give a young guy like Siddler go, you know? 36 year old Peter still a chance, you know? I think he is the same age as Benji Marshall.
Yeah. I think, you know, this is...
He hasn't played. And he looks fit. He's looking for a game.
Is Siddle still on the Steve Jobs diet? What's going on there? He is a vegan diet, yeah. It's more than vegan. It's frickin...
It was basically just bananas. It's just bananas, yeah.
Yeah, I think he wasn't on the Steve Jobs diet. I think there was... I think you do have to kind of add a few more things, you know, as evident by the fact that Steve is fucking dead at the moment. That's dead at the moment. That was Ashton Kutcher's theory. Because in the movie, Ashton Kutcher tried to do the diet and he said, this will kill me. He said, oh, this guy died. So yes, I mean, Siddle must be doing something a little different.
Banana milkshakes as well. Yeah, legumes, grains. Kale. Kale, yeah.
I wonder, some people are doing the all meat diet. That's a new thing right now. That seems healthy. Everything is just binary these days. Like polities, food, yeah, diets.
It's got to be branded. It's got to be marketable. It's got to be easily digestible in both, you know, communicative and digestive. And digestible content.
All meat.
Yeah, that's a pretty solid.
Breakfast is a tough one there for all meat. Like tough to get up for a steak at seven a.m.
Yeah, before you're at 45. I'd imagine. Let's put the slow cooker in overnight. Oh, that's not a bad show. Let it just melt in your mouth.
Yeah. So how long on the road? Sorry. Yeah.
It's whirlwind. It's two and a half weeks. So yeah, we get there in a couple of days. We're back sort of like halfway through the Lord's test after. So yeah, we go around the country, get it all done. Yeah, it's going to be a bit of a haze. But, you know, hopefully we're well received. Hopefully some strange things happen. It's got to be rapid now because two of us have kids now. So we've got to get back as quick as we can.
Can't be away for too long. Has grade cricket stopped for you guys with the kids? Or just how did it stop beforehand? Well, they never really stopped. The physical playing of it stops. But the anxiety on a Friday night doesn't stop.
What's the weather like? Yeah. Wondering what the weather's like. Yeah.
Driving past grounds, watching the game while you should be keeping your eyes on the road. I'm just wondering if you were better than that bloke. The day my son was born, we went up to the postnatal ward and there was a cricket game visible outside from the window. And I couldn't help but look out and just wonder what was going on. And just looked at the scoreboard, check what the deck was doing.
Yeah. I'm moving a bit. Yeah.
If you were taking a first session. Do you want to see your son or no?
Fucking hell, what are all these decks doing? See how Sydney uni is refund.
End of the hour. I'm now driving past great grounds. You know how's that? Like I've come full circle. Yeah.
With a gun out the window. A rifle.
It's a tribute to Condograph. He was in a bad place. Thanks for joining us guys. I hope you enjoy that horribly bad place you're about to go to, which is Birmingham. And we'll get there.
It's like 10 seconds. Fuck. Okay.
It's a good show. The Great Creator, thank you for joining us this week. We've had a wonderful show and good luck over there boys.
And good luck to Australia. Maybe it is time for a bit of a reckoning. Maybe it is time for us to look at our cultural deficit. But as you boys have pointed out today, we might actually fucking win. So fingers crossed.
Thank you, Errol. Thank you, Clancy. Thanks.
Stopped for you guys? With the kids? Or just enjoying how to stop beforehand? The physical playing of it stops. But the anxiety on a Friday night, you know, it doesn't stop.
What's the weather like? Yeah, wondering what the weather's like.
Yeah. Driving past grounds, watching the game while you should be keeping your eyes on the road. Just wondering if you were better than that bloke. The day my son was born, we went up to the postnatal ward and there was a creek game visible outside from the window. And I couldn't help but look out and just wonder what was going on. Looked at the scoreboard, check what the deck was doing.
Yeah. Moving a bit. Yeah. If you were taking the first session, do you want to see your son? No, fuck. The deck's still there. Yeah. Sydney Uni's refund. Yeah. I'm now driving past Growgrounds, you know. How's that? Like I've come full circle. Yeah.
With a gun out the window. Cathartic, with a gun out the window. A rifle.
It's a tributary on the graph. Yeah. He was in a bad place. South Africa. Thanks for joining us guys. I hope you enjoy that horribly bad place you're about to go to, which is Birmingham. And, um... We'll get there. It's like ten seconds left. Fuck. Okay. Enjoy.
It's a good show. The Great Greer, thank you for joining us this week. We've had a wonderful show, and good luck over there boys.
And good luck to Australia. Maybe it is time for a bit of a reckoning. Maybe it is time for us to look at our cultural deficit. But as you boys have pointed out today, we might actually fucking win. So, fingers crossed.
Thank you, Earl. Thank you, Clancy. Thanks. |
cracked | lifehax_survive_earthquakes_for_fun_and_profit | Hi, my name's Michael Swain and me and my pal Abe Epperson made most of the cool videos on Cracked for about 12 years. We even did a movie once. Now, we're trying to make another movie about the time my dad came out as a gay furry. It's funny as fucking balls and we need your help to get it done. Please head to seedandspark.com slash fund slash papa hyphen bear to find out more and see how you can get involved and earn awesome rewards any Cracked fan would at least not hate. Probably. Hello my babies, it's it's Rice back again with more earthquake safety information because of the recent shakings. So let's say cutting-edge CGI is making the room move and you're worried about it because of what it pretends for the future of film and it's so violently quaking things are falling so you're gonna need to have prepared earlier. This is earlier and that's your safety pack inside of which is a mask for the gas and of course if you need to breathe gas through your eyes you have the lookables and inside of that there's a cool one in case you meet some cool gas and then a sleepy one in case you need a sleep mask. That's how you fall asleep and it's how you rhyme. If your flare is too light tamp it down but then you're also going to need nunchucku that's what these are they're an ancient weapon of killing this is just a kill hammer and if you kill someone by mistake patch them up they appreciate it. So make sure your flashlight has batteries and discard the batteries and keep the flashlight because it's lighter that's a carabiner which is kind of racist if you think about it a nav droid and a Mayan calendar that's so you can know what i don't know what he's this is just some liquid he's drinking this is not part of the thing i wish you would get back to its job you're gonna need two cans of cat food for your one cat and you're gonna need your one cat for companion ship when you get trapped in the rubble so put the cat inside of the bag and if it won't go don't forget you're prepared you have your killing hammer so kill that fucking cat and get it the fuck in there or you're gonna be sad here's the Mayan calendar i forgot to mention before and when you're done your pile will look like this and you'll know that you're prepared for the earthquake if your face looks like that so you wander out into the post-apocalyptic despair that the earthquake's created and you put on your mask because you're not prepared to see shit like that man it's crazy but you go out into the world confidently knowing that you're prepared and you haven't forgotten anything and if anything tries to surprise you you're going to be able to just dodge it and get up back in its grill i love you bye |
dropout | back_to_the_future_in_actual_2015 | Hey Doc, what's going on? Your kids, Marty. They're in trouble. We've got to travel to the future to save them. Whoa, Doc, we're really here in the future. Huh, looks different from how I imagined it. That's right, Marty. It's October 21st, 2015. Oh, incredible. Who knows what kind of technological advancements and like societal progress we've made in three decades. Far out. There's no time for that, Marty. We got to find your kids. Well, let's load up the Cars Fusion Reactor with garbage and find them. Oh, stop.
Are you crazy? Most cars still run on fossil fuels and the ones that don't are prohibitively expensive for most people. That's crazy.
Hasn't the government made like meaningful investment in clean energy? No, Marty. It's gotten so bad that carbon emissions have irreversibly changed the planet's climate.
Oh, heavy. At least it still flies. Cars don't fly.
In fact, flying is a real ordeal since the rise of fundamentalist Islamic terrorists has made travel a nightmare of fear and security theater. What a dark geopolitical era this is.
Bummer, Doc. You got to fit in, Marty. Quick, put these on. Oh, rad. I bet they're like futuristic self-lacing sneakers, right, Doc? What? No.
They're called Crocs. They're foam sandals.
Oh, man. It looks like a clogged, fucked Swiss cheese. Smells like it, too.
Do people actually wear these? All the time, especially at amusement parks and malls.
I got to tell you, Doc, this future seems pretty terrible. I know, but we have to survive it for the sake of your kids.
Cubs win? They finally won the World Series. No way. Cubs wins revoked amid steroids scandal.
Yeah, the whole sport of baseball is in pretty dire condition. It's been struggling to find new fans and rampant drug use has tarnished the game. Ah, geez. What a grim development for America's pastime. Also, print media is on its last legs.
Hey, McFly! I told you not to come around here. Oh, no. That's Griff, Beth's grandson. Chill out, Doc. It's the future. I'll just hop on a hoverboard and float away. They'll never catch me. Sorry, Marty. There aren't any hoverboards.
This is the closest thing we have. What the fuck is this? It's called an ox board, Marty. It's slightly faster than walking. Oh, OK. Well, I guess if it helps me get away. See, Marty?
There's a pack of Vine stars riding past right now. Yeah, I don't know what Vine is, but I hate them.
You got a lot of nerves showing your face, McFly. Ah, geez. Are you going to bully me? What? Think, McFly. If I was going to bully you, I'd do it anonymously online, where I would continuously encourage you to commit suicide and leak nude photos of you.
Hey, whoa. Sounds like we've all forgotten how to treat our fellow humans with dignity. That's right, Marty. Technology has connected us, but in many ways, driven us farther apart than ever before. Hey, Griff, what's that? All right, here we go, ox board. Great, Scott, how have we fallen?
Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe to College Humor, and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the labs. |
cracked | we_improved_armageddon_with_math | If there's one thing we expect NASA to be good at, it's looking into space. NASA has optics pointing in every direction to get pictures of planets, stars, and nebulae for the worst people's Facebook cover photos. NASA is funded by a culture desperate to find new things to be afraid of, and space is truly the undiscovered frontier of terrifying danger like, say, the supermassive black hole eating our own galaxy.
So how the hell do the scientists in Armageddon fail to spot a world-destroying asteroid hurtling towards our planet until it's only a couple of weeks away? Simple. Michael Bay's Armageddon is a dystopian, hellscaped, transformer's prequel. Don't believe me?
Well, let's look at the math. The space math.
Early in the movie, the president asks why nobody noticed a floating, Texas-sized asteroid in all of its 268,597 square miles of planet obliterating rock. Billy Bob Thornton correctly points out that space is very big, and our telescopes and probes can only scan narrow fields at a time. But counterpoint, the asteroid isn't some dinky comet, it's essentially a rogue moon filling up the night sky. Yet Armageddon astronomers, or astromageddon-ers, are only tipped off to the asteroid's existence when shrapnel from its collision with the asteroid belt begin tearing up their satellites.
That's like not noticing an intruder until he's already made several sandwiches, built himself a home office, and convinced your wife to leave you. Go get my goddamn phone box!
Okay, look, the distance between Earth and the asteroid belt is anywhere between 111 and 204 million miles. Let's give NASA the benefit of the doubt and say the asteroid collided at the nearest point. They point out the asteroid is traveling at 22,000 miles per hour, and they discovered it when it was about 18 days away from Earth. That means, at best, the asteroid crashed into the asteroid belt a shocking 192 days before anybody noticed, despite the collision resulting in this insane, apocalyptic, dust-cloud wake of death. Even worse, considering poor, dwarfy planet Pluto sits about 4.67 billion miles away from Earth, if we assume the speed was unchanged, the massive asteroid was potentially floating around in the solar system for over 24 years! What the hell has NASA been observing for a quarter-century if not a 700-mile-wide rock about a third the size of our freaky moon hurtling towards our planet?
Maybe they were all watching Ben Affleck's Animal Cracker-fueled sexual antics? Watch as he stalks his prey.
In those two and a half decades, we discovered dozens of moons on distant planets way smaller than the asteroid and launched unmanned exploratory spacecraft that must have gone at least fairly near this hulking monstrosity. And that's before considering NASA itself established six years earlier a program designed specifically to detect asteroids and objects as small as just two-thirds of a mile wide. How is this possible? Well, one very weird explanation comes from Billy Bob again when he explains that there are only nine telescopes in the world that could spot the asteroid. Even when it's only a scant 9.5 million miles away. A regular eight-inch telescope you can buy at Walmart can see something like 2 billion light-years away. The only logical conclusion is telescopes are for some reason extremely rare in the Armageddon-verse and have never been produced commercially.
With this universe's potent combination of managerial incompetence, scientific backwardness, and apparent lack of funding, it's no wonder their best plan to save Earth was sending a bunch of lunatic drill operators into space instead of actual trained astronauts. He's got space dementia. But what if NASA's incompetence is intentional? What if they actually don't want anybody looking into space?
Because they're worried they'll see robots. Transforming robots. In the first Transformers movie, We Learn Megatron was discovered on Earth frozen in ice back in 1895. By probing his exhaust pipe, humanity gained several major scientific breakthroughs. The US government doesn't want to give up this strategic advantage, so they are constantly trying to hide the existence of Transformers. In fact, in the third movie, We Learn even NASA is in on the cover-up, and the entire reason America went to the moon in the first place was to search for other transformer tech. They really should stop leaving that shit lying around. Now, Cybertron is technically a rogue planet floating aimlessly through space, which means at times it comes extremely close to Earth. The only way to be sure no snot-nosed kid accidentally uses his Christmas telescope to confirm the existence of robots who fuck is to ensure nobody can access telescopes besides a select few trusted members of NASA.
I am directly below! Enemy screwed up!
That hides the existence of Cybertron, sure, but it also means only a handful of people are scanning space for big-ass death rocks. The existence of Transformers and their crazy future tech would also explain how Billy Bob and company created a nuclear weapon able to output the 800 trillion terajoules of energy required to split the asteroid in two. For reference, the total energy output of Big Ivan, the largest bomb ever detonated, only came to about 418,000 terajoules. The Armageddon scientists constructed a bomb about two billion times stronger than the most powerful weapon ever built. That's firepower you can only build using information gleaned from the inside of Megatron's colon.
No shit! Can you take this even one step further and use the transformer verse to explain how chill everybody is with wholesale death and destruction? The Billy Bob justifies hiding the existence of the asteroid from the public to prevent a panic, despite NYC being absolutely fucking leveled by smaller asteroids. How did that not cause a panic? Everybody just laughs and does bits while the world explodes around them. It could have happened, look at that, let me see, it could have been a terrorist bomb to the dead body somebody shot stabbed. Again, it's because this movie is part of the Transformers universe where cities are constantly obliterated by insane extraterrestrial threats. That's just sort of the way of the world, as common as the New York Giants losing football games, no use getting all worked up about it.
I want to go shopping. Me too!
But we ain't going nowhere because this is a Catholic jam. All of the math points to Armageddon being a prequel to the 2007 Transformers movie and an integral installment in that grand cinematic series and a part of that hellishly dystopian universe. An honest accounting of the numbers proved John McClain drilling an asteroid to death as the direct result of close inspecting Megatron's taint. It's just math.
Prepare the world for bad news. I asked Michael why it was easier to train oil drillers to become astronauts than it was to train astronauts to become oil drillers. And he told me to shut, shut, shut the fuck up. So that was the end of that talk. Oh, one whole week. Now you know how to fly into space.
I need my guys. Why do you need them?
They're the best. Everyone's the best. Why are they the best?
I don't know. They just are. Like somehow they can build rocket ships, but they don't understand like what makes a good tranny. |
cracked | is_daenerys_targaryen_gonna_break_bad_winter_is_taking_forever_game_of_thrones_recap | Hey, everybody! Hey!
Winter's here, and we're just gonna talk about it for a while. Yeah, we're gonna do a classic Game of Thrones episode. Oh my god, yeah, the most classic. Everyone just stands around talking. We open with the most classic Game of Thrones moment where we get to Dragonstone, and it's raining. They tell Daenerys Stormborn, On a night like this, you came into the world. You know, this is your birthday, basically. They have this scene where they're, like, explaining what they're gonna do with their armies, and then, like, Tyrion casually reminds both us and everybody in the room that we don't poison little girls here.
He should be more mad about that, right? He should be more mad, but at the same time, Melisandre somehow appears.
And then reminds us, once again, that she poisoned a bunch of children, too, and... Oh, she burned them. Oh, right, she burned them. Poisoning with fire.
The last time we saw Melisandre, she was, like, leaving the wall, right? So it's like, she would have had to have known that Daenerys was gonna be at Dragonstone. Or maybe she got there, like, weeks ago, and she's been waiting.
But anyway, we forgive a bunch of people. Yes. Chest pieces move where they need to be moved. Literally, Tyrion picks up pieces on them. Oh, I'm sorry, that's when we come back to that scene. It's all one.
Uh, Diana Rigg, I'm pretty sure, is being weakened at Bernard. We only ever see her now sitting down. I think they are trying to tip it so Daenerys might become a bad guy. Elena telling her... You're a dragon. Probably, like, pushing her a little bit towards her dark side. Right, towards being evil. And then we see a scene with Cersei, where she's trying to convince Randal Tarly and the other lords to, like, help her fight. Right, that she's a good guy. My favorite part of that scene is when Qyburn comes up to her and he's like, Come here, I have a plan how to deal with the dragons. And he takes her down to the basement, and it's just a giant bow and arrow.
He made it seem like he had, like, sat there, like, pouring over some, like, incredibly detailed... Like ancient text, yeah. Like he had some incredible new thoughts.
No, it's just a gigantic bow and arrow that'll shoot a big spear through a dragon's face. Where did we go from there? Sam's.
His scenes are getting tougher and tougher to watch for me. It seems like they cast Jim Broadbent to exclusively be in growth scenes. Like, Jim Broadbent's character exists solely to obstruct Sam. Have you studied the varying rates of grayscale progression in infants and fully grown men?
No. Isn't that f***ing funny thing? Like, everybody's secret knowledge in this episode is hilarious to me. Because Sam, like, pours over the old books in the library. It's like, I found a cure, and the cure is just sawing the skin off. Yeah. We see Jon get the raven from Tyrion, which I was actually, like, super hyped for that. And then we go to the same scene we seen in the last episode where Sansa and Jon have their little disagreements in front of all their people, and they're like, Jon, don't do this. And he's like, I'm going to do it. It's the right thing to do. And then he put Sansa in charge, which was dope. That was cool. And she immediately stopped arguing. Oh, OK.
I'm pretty sure they got one shot of Littlefinger this whole season. And they just, like, 40 solid seconds of him just leaning against the wall and smirking. He's another character. Like, him and Tyrion and Varys, I feel like. And Davos, too.
Like, they no longer have any idea what to do with those characters. No. Because, like, Littlefingers, at this point, he's not, like, he has to know. He's not going to sit on the Iron Throne.
You're really smart. You know it's not you.
I'm going to sit on the Iron Throne. His plan has to be so circuitous at this point, because it's like, wait. Like, how are you going to manage?
Yeah. Like, at first, like, I thought it was going to, in the first couple of seasons, I was figuring, oh, Littlefinger's going to turn out to be, like, the big bad guy. Right. Because he's working. Shit behind the scenes. Yeah. But now it's, like, it's gone so off the rails. Right. He doesn't know what's happening. Like, he goes down into the family crypt to tell Jon Snow he wants to bone his sister. Yeah. That choke was earned.
Then what happens? Then we go to Arya. Arya. Yeah. Oh, we got to see Hot Pie again.
Another scene I did not need to be reminded of. Secret. It's brown in the butter before making the dough. I didn't do that.
I put it in a pie. I just put a bunch of toes in a pie and fed it to an old man.
He's one that tells Arya that Jon Snow's back in charge. Right. And that's when she decides to, instead of following Ed Sheeran and everybody else. Yeah, where was she going? She was going to King's Landing. Right. She was going to Kill the Queen. Yeah. And now when she hears that Jon's back, she turns tail for Winterfell, which is cool.
And then when they part ways, she says, don't get killed. And he's like, I won't.
I'm like, yo, I'm a survivor. I'm like, survivor.
Oh. Because of this show, I fully expected, like, the next scene. If an arrow goes over his head. And it's chopped off or something. For no reason.
Yeah. I mean, we'll never see him again. And if we do it, it will be another waste of our time. Right. Yeah. Speaking of wasted time.
Nymeria. Arya's wolf came back for no reason. This was HBO writers getting their cop out of being able to explain what happened after the show. At the end of the episode, when they do their behind the scenes thing with the two showrunners, they're just like, oh, yeah. It was, you saw that flash of recognition in Arya's face when she realizes that Nymeria has to run with her own pack, just like she has to run with her own pack.
And I'm like, dude, none of that is there. Like, we don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Totally unclear.
Yeah. Grey Worm. Oh, yeah. Grey Worm and Miss Andy.
We talked about this, and we had two different reactions where you were like, are they going to show it? And I was like, oh, boy. I hope they're not going to show it. That's all I wanted. I was like, what does it look like? I don't know. I want to see it. Like, don't show it, which is sad.
Yeah. And then like, that has to be weird for the actor. Right. Because he knows that the entirety of the audience is like, dude, that guy has no dick. Yeah. I mean, good for Grey Worm. It's, I'm glad that. Yeah. I mean, I like his character. Right. Like, both of them are really great all in support. Good for them. Of you guys. Yeah.
And we can move on to the boat scene. The boat. Euron just hey Kool-aids right in the middle of their fleet with his fucking sweet ass boat that had like that hammer on it.
We get to see his claw hammer come down right on top of a dude. Yeah. We didn't need to see that. We knew what that claw was for. I was into it. It was kind of dope. I wish, yeah, there was a common splat sound.
And he's so happy. Oh, yeah. Euron loves his job. He's having the time of his life.
He kills at least two of the sand snakes. He kills two. I don't think he kills the third. And then they take the queen. When he's killing the sand snakes, they stab him several times.
I thought they got him. And I was like, the fight's over. I was like, yeah. I was like, shit. Is that how fights end? You kill the main guy and then everyone's like, oh. Normally, I mean, he definitely had final boss status here because he kept getting hit and like wasn't taking damage. Yeah. And then he grabs Yara at the end.
And like in an unfair bargain for Theon. I mean, Theon did what Theon does. Theon, Theon down.
What was he supposed to do? Like, was he supposed to talk his way out of that? Because if he tried to make a move, Yara had an axe to her neck. Like, what are you going to do, bro? He's going to come back to Cersei with the Dornish queen.
Yeah. Which is going to be a real bummer. They just keep flushing the Dornish characters down the drain. Yeah, they really do. They build them up and then you're just like, nope. And then also like made really uncomfortable sexual advances to both a brother and a sister. Are you standing all the way over there, then? A foreign invasion is underway.
Let's do some predictions, Bridget. Bridget, what do you think? What do you got for me?
Next episode is going to be a table setting episode where we're probably going to see Arya get to Winterfell. We're definitely going to see Jon Snow get to Dragonstone. Yeah, Jon will be at Dragonstone.
Okay, we haven't seen Bron yet, so Bron's got to come back in kind of a big way. Bron, yeah.
I still think Dany's going to turn bad. Oh yeah, but I kind of feel like Jon, she should be at the brink by the time Jon gets to... ...Dragonstone and Jon being the one being like, no, be good and noble. Maybe he'll pull her back from the edge. Maybe. I have no idea what's going to happen, and that's kind of exciting. Yeah, I mean...
Because the pieces are now where they need to be. Right, it's just a matter of moving forward. After six years of this, we have everything in place.
There's got to be more fights. Fighting? More fighting. What's a fighting?
He's got no dick! Just a lot of fighting and no dicks.
Hey guys, thanks so much for watching that episode of Winters Taking Forever. Make sure to do all the YouTube things and check out our new After Hours. Really exciting we have a new cast, so don't miss that. Make sure to go back and watch it. |
cracked | 4_social_criticisms_hidden_in_sonic_the_hedgehog_games_today_s_topic | Oh, oh! Do you know what I just realized about Sonic the Hedgehog? He's fast.
Keep in mind I think you're very stupid. You're just saying that because you don't care about my job.
How are you even doing that? What are you playing that on? I hacked the system, partitioned the drive, moved all the work shit over, so now it's just a big emulator library. On your work computer, you did this?
So the thing about Sonic is that he's losing. Only when you play. If I hear that broing sound one more time, I'm gonna kill myself. Even when you win, Sonic loses on the whole, like throughout everything. Think about it. And you can't make me do that. Sonic's enemy is Dr. Robotnik, right? Or Eggman, whatever you want to call him. And he's the only human you see in the games.
He's human and he takes all the fluffy forest creatures and traps them in robotic suits. And then he invents pollution factories and whatever. It's industrialism gone awry.
Obvious environmentalism parable and so on. I mean, I guess that's obvious. I never really thought about it too deeply. I was focused on trying to make tales run into the spikes. It's an obvious anti-pollution, oneness with nature kind of thing.
Why do you think that when you go into the future in Sonic CD, that it's all pollution and techno, and then you go into the past, and it's all lush green forest? Because of... I was ten? This is a look into the future of that story's timeline. And Robotnik wins. That's depressing as shit.
No! He doesn't, and it's not.
Because when I do, I get all the chaos emeralds and then Sonic goes Super Saiyan and busts that shit right up. All day, every time. Maybe temporarily, but Robotnik clearly always comes back. I mean, the guy's got a casino, a factory, an airship. He can reverse gravity. And think about the world that Sonic exists within.
Do those look like normal forests or caves or lava-filled Roman ruins to you? No, there are loops and machines specifically designed to make a curled hedgehog go faster. And they're everywhere. Just look at the cross-hatched pattern on the grass and the dirt. It's not just the animals that are robotic.
It's fucking everything. And who do you think made all that shit? I don't know!
Sonic never indicated that everything was robots, or that that was a problem for him, or that he thought it was wrong, or that Robotnik was behind. Because Sonic is too busy collecting TVs and gaining enough rings to gain access to bonus levels that are clearly thinly veiled drug trips. Distractors. The real tragedy is that Robotnik has created these levels and filled them with loops and rings and TVs and springs and all sorts of shit that hedgehogs like to keep the one guy who could stop him busy. Sonic is just a rat in a maze, forever killing time in a simulated environment that Eggman made so he can continue raping the planet while Sonic just fucked off. It's like a hedgehog matric.
It's actually more like life now, if you're into that kind of thing. I mean, certainly folks today think the environment is totally fucked in that no matter what we do. There's just no beating the big business powers that be. Yes. Outrage.
And Robotnik even creates a robot Sonic. He's just rubbing his limitless technological power in our faces. And the guy is beyond foiling. I bet every boss that you face with his face is just a sophisticated robot.
I feel like you're more interested in talking about the specific design of the hedgehog than you are about steering this towards any kind of world. And I mean, just look at the implications of Sonic vs Mario Olympic games for the week. Oh my god, no. We're interested in what your experiences in online dating have been overall. What works, what doesn't, so on.
The guys are horrible. Terrible.
I got 100 messages in an hour. The messages I receive.
Hala. I'd go Pac-Man on that word for vagina I don't like using. I tear that ass up. Penis.
FindLove.net saw solid financial commitments from 11 new investors today. Nice work today, monkeys.
We've had thousands of years to study relationships. That amount of data was pound to yield patterns and consistencies. E-Harmonies for old people. Match.com's like a more dignified Craigslist. You're saying you can just tell what people have left out of their profiles? Anyone can, if they look through all our research and raw data.
We have to get into abuse of power territory at some point, right? This is just utilizing power more efficiently. You can't hack a person. I'm just getting started. And when I... Crap, why do I just do that?
We created the worst dating profile we could imagine. Someone that no one would ever date. She lists tricking guys into thinking I'm pregnant as her top interest.
This was your thing. Blake, you sopping possum. Peace out. Smoke bomb. Pumpkin bomb. Which I made out of science.
Give people a chance to pretend to be their best selves and maybe they'll get there. Josie! Right? What's zoosk for? Hand jobs. |
CrackerMilk | trapped_in_a_mcdonald_s_playground | we're doing we're doing the patreon bit where we do your ideas oh you voted for this this is what you want to podcast that's what it's called um you voted for uh trapped inside a mcdonald's playground that's what we're doing yeah i'm trapped inside a mcdonald's playground what about you yeah i'm trapped inside mcdonald's playground too what about you yeah same yeah that's good that's gonna be honest i don't know how i got here look neither my daddy left me here oh my god that's 43 year old man sounds a lot like a baby i went boom boom in my pan my daddy left me here it's a fucking little bro it's a little it's a little bro can you boys help me nah man i don't have to discuss it i don't want to play with him yeah i can you clean the shit out of your pants no i need help i have a feeling i know what's your name is chris what are you chris it's chris chris my daddy left me when five minutes ago oh just before we got scared you're scared scary stuff it's okay chris we have a job do you work a job i work here you work at the mcdonald's you work here my daddy is my manager oh it's all coming together it's all he said go in there and get this get all the kids out because we are closing soon all right hey i'll tell you what i'm gonna go down this dark tunnel i'm not sure where it leads no don't go in there yeah i'm not gonna go in it i'm not sure but i may not come out oh no is it because you're too big and you could get trapped in there i'm trying to play another character someone else going to come and take your place yeah look let's be real yes someone's going to take my place yeah can i come in that tunnel with you fuck off freak it's my bit i want to find your own tunnel from the dark tunnel who is this oh no you fucking dunk wanal weasley what are you doing here yeah very easy to mix hard yeah yeah did you go to the wizarding school what hugwarts i operated as a soul trader and launched a small kitchen where i said sold takeaway food as a clown yeah but i went up the ranks and i continued to sell food and became made franchises and now i run the country you fuck yeah but before that did you go to burgers have you eaten with my fucking name too many i feel it sounds like you're a man who pulled yourself up by your boo strappies that's right what do you think about universal basic income oh yeah do you know what that is welcome to my wonderland guys i'm really check out what i've got here it's like a big new open go into the shut up why don't you avoiding politics you go into my hatch under the ball pit and you go into an even bigger playground where hamburgers grow on trees and chips grow on trees and nuggets are slaughtered from chickens hey guys it's me the hamburger are you guys from from round here hamburger do you know about this hatch yeah i do you live there no yeah well not there where you from just around here no where just all around all around here where you from just you know around here have you been over there before look what about up there uh yeah i've been up there before have you been over there uh look at me let's go are we down the hatch yet look at me have you been over there over sorry can you repeat that have you been over there i've never been over there i swear to god where you from round here oh i was never raised or born in over there how do you feel about people from over there don't like them over people from round here yeah we're all good over there yeah but what about over No. Round here? Yeah. See, yeah, from round here, I know everyone. Oh, we're down the hatch! And look who's come behind us. You know, it's me.
Man eating burger. Oh, it's man eating burger. He followed us in. I'm eating a burger, and I'm a man.
I can't see it. What sort of burger are you eating? Ham. Where's it from? Over there.
No. Wait, what did you say? Why are you copying my voice? I'm not copying.
Oh, no, I've gone British. I've fucking gone British.
Oh, I got this from a porter. Did you hear what he fucking said? Yeah, I did. How do you feel now about people from over there? We got delicious burgers from a porter. Do you know how many fucking kids we've got to put into one of those cheeseburgers?
What?
I think I know the solution. I'm sorry for what I'm about to do. Are you going to kill me?
That's my burger. Yeah, I'm the hamburglar. You fucking dog cunt. I have to have burger hams. Burgers.
You're one of them, huh? Yeah. Well, how about- We're all from around. How about we go- Do you want to try some of this?
Hang on a second. Yeah, so can I have it back now? Because it was my burger. Yeah. Yeah, so could I just have that back? I have the whole thing. Could I just have that back now, mate? Yummy.
Fuck you, cunts. Yeah, sorry about that. Well, you want to get- You're just from over there and we fucking hate people from over there. I'm going to go back over there. And I'm going to get- Yeah, good. There's burgers over there. Go fuck off. Go around here. Fuck off.
Go on then.
Help me. Oh my God. I've fallen from this tree. I've got two big buns, mayo, tart pear sauce, and fish sticks. What's your name then?
Please help me. Are you a hungry boy? Yeah, I will be hungry. I've fallen from my home just over there. Hey, how do you- Buy all two?
What's the life cycle of a burger? Five years. Well, it's about to be- Five years of what? I'm a five-year-old boy burger. Well, it's about to be five more seconds for your life expectancy.
No, please. No, no, please.
I'm a Phil- Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen to him. I'm literally, that's just my hand.
He could be a magic, he could be a magical Philip burger. He could grant you 50 wishes. He could be a goblin from another planet. He could be Vin Diesel racing to save his girl. You never know the- But would he still be a burger?
In every single way, every single facet of my being, I'm just a Phil the fish burger that fell from a tree. But aren't you also a five-year-old boy? No, no, I'm a- So in Phil the fish- How do you identify as a burger? No, excuse me. In Phil the fish terms, I'm a five-year-old boy because I'm five years old. But five years is our maximum living age. How the fuck do you do that so well? I'm Phil the fish burger. Has this got a problem? I don't have a fucking tongue. It's a miracle I'm speaking. Are you going to eat this five-year-old boy? I don't even know. No, if he identifies- I'm just my whole life. I'm a steward. I should level to the tire. Can I be honest with you, mate? I know the teachings of a Phil the fish burger is that you go old from your tree, you hit the ground, someone picks you up, puts you in a boat, and Phil the fish sail into Valhalla.
That's how you retire. But the problem is once Phil the fish burgers reach maturity, they are harvested by sweaty 16-year-old teenage boys and girls who hate themselves. And they are honestly listening. They are consumed by human beings on the overworld. So that's sort of what you're dealing with. So just keep that in mind. I know you're concerned about us killing you, but it's really just more like we are hungry. So I think I handled that well.
I can't believe this. My whole life's been a lie. Yeah, it's shit.
Hey, do you want to kill yourself? Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. Please eat me. Yeah, baby.
Before we eat him, I just got to steal him first because it's my whole deal. Steal him. Hey, give that back. Now we can eat him.
Who the fuck is that? I'm the 16-year-old worker and I get paid $8 an hour. You're going to sacrifice your life for this burger. You're stealing fucking burgers, man. Do you know who the fuck I am? A kid's clown. What are you doing here? I'm Ronald McDonald.
Why do you have an erection? Why do you have big shoes and face paint?
He does raise a good point. That is a real good point that he does raise up there.
Why does your name tag say John Wayne Gacy? Who's John Wayne Gacy? I think he was the guy dressed as clown in Killglore Kids.
Jesus Christ. Do you want that one or nah? Yeah, sure. Yeah, you got me. I'm John Wayne Gacy. Wow.
What? What does that mean? Oh, I just, I just, you know, I feel like we would work well as a team together. What?
It's there. This went a lot of places. Yeah, it was good. It was good. I enjoy it.
Get all the kids out because we are closing soon. All right.
Hey, I'll tell you what, I'm going to go down this dark tunnel. I'm not sure where it leads. No, don't go in there. Yeah, no, I'm going to go in it. I'm not sure, but I may not come out. Oh no. Is it because you're too big and you could get trapped in there?
No, it's because I'm trying to play another character. Is someone else going to come and take your place? Yeah, probably. Honestly, yeah. Look, let's be real. Yes, someone's going to take my place. Yeah.
Can I come in that tunnel with you? Fuck off, freak. It's my bit. I want to find your own tunnel.
G'day.
From the dark tunnel, who is this? It's me, Ron. Ron. How you going? Welcome to my wonderland.
Yeah, yeah. They both have wet hair. Yeah, very easy to mix halves, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
Did you go to the wizarding school? What? Hogwarts?
Is that how you go to- I went as a soul trader and launched a small kitchen where I sold takeaway food as a clown. Yeah, but- And I went up the ranks and I continued to sell food and became made franchises. And now I run the country, you fuck. Yeah, but before that, did you go to- How many burgers have you eaten with my fucking name? Too many, I feel.
Yes. Ronald, it sounds like you're a man who'd pull yourself up by your bootstrappies. That's right, you weird cunt. What do you think about universal basic income? Oh, yeah. Do you know what that is?
Welcome to my wonderland. Guys, I'm really- Check out what I've got here. It's like a big new open.
Go into the- Shut up! Shut up about that! Why do we sound so cute avoiding poetics?
If you go into my hatch under the ball pit and you go into an even bigger playground where hamburgers grow on trees and chips grow on trees and nuggets are slaughtered from chickens. Hey guys, it's me, the Hamburgwa. Whoa. Are you guys from around here? Hamburgwa, do you know about this hatch? Yeah, I do. You live there?
No, yeah. Well, not there.
Where are you from? Just around here. Where do you live? Just around here. No, where? Just all around here. What's your home in the west? All around here. Where are you from? Just, you know, around here.
Have you been over there before? Look. What about up there? Yeah, I've been up there before. Have you been over there?
Look at me. Let's go. Are we down the hatch yet? Look at me.
Have you been over there? Sorry, can you repeat that? Have you been over there? I've never been over there.
I swear to God. Where are you from? Round here. Oh.
I was never raised or born over there. How do you feel about people from over there? Don't like them over there. What do you feel about people from round here?
Round here, yeah. We're all good couples. Over there? Yeah, but what about over there? Nah. Round here? Yeah. See, yeah, from round here, I know everyone.
Oh, we're down the hatch. And look, he's come behind us. You know, it's me.
Man eating burger. Oh, it's man eating burger. He followed us in. I'm eating a burger and I'm a man. I can't see it. What sort of burger are you eating?
Ham. Where's it from? Over there. No. Wait. What did you say?
Why are you copying my voice? I'm not copying.
Oh, no. I've gone British. I've fucking gone British.
I got this from a porter. Did you hear what he fucking said? Yeah, I did. How do you feel now about people from over there? We got delicious burgers from a porter. Do you know how many fucking kids we got to put into one of those cheeseburgers?
What?
I think I know the solution. I'm sorry for what I'm about to do. Are you going to kill me?
That's my burger. Yeah, I'm the hamburglar. You fucking dog cunt. I have to have burger hams. Burgers. You're one of them, huh?
Yeah. Well, how about- We're all from around. How about we go- Do you want to try some of this? Hang on a second. Yeah. So can I have it back now? Because it was my burger. Yeah. Not a bite. Yeah. So could I just have that back? I have the whole thing. Could I just have that back now, mate? Yummy.
Fuck you, cunts. Yeah. Sorry about that. You're just from over there and we fucking hate people from over there. I'm going to go back over there and I'm going to get burgers over there. Go fuck off.
Go on then.
Help me. Oh my God. I've fallen from this tree. I've got two big buns, mayo, tart pear sauce, and six sticks. What's your name then?
Please help. Are you hungry, boy? Yeah, I will be hungry. I've fallen from my home just over there.
How do you, what's the life cycle of a burger? Five years. Five years of what? I'm a five-year-old boy burger. Well, it's about to be five more seconds for your life expectancy.
No, please. No, no, please.
Hey, hey, hey, listen to him. I'm literally, that's just my hand.
He could be a magic, he could be a magical fillet burger. He could grant you 50 wishes. He could be a goblin from another planet. He could be Vin Diesel racing to save his girl. You never know. But would he still be a burger?
In every single way, every single facet of my being, I'm just a fillet of fish burger that fell from a tree. But aren't you also a five-year-old boy? No, no, I'm a, so in fillet of fish. You identify as a burger. No, excuse me. In fillet of fish terms, I'm a five-year-old boy because I'm five years old. But five years is our maximum living age. How the fuck do you do that so well? I'm a fillet of fish burger. Has this got a problem? I don't have a fucking tongue. It's a miracle I'm speaking. Are you going to eat this five-year-old boy? Don't eat it, no. No, if he identifies.
I'm just my whole life, I'm a steward. I should be able to retire. Can I be honest with you, mate? I know the teachings of a fillet of fish burger is that you grow old from your tree, you hit the ground, someone picks you up, puts you in a boat, and fillet of fish sail into Valhalla. That's how you retire.
But mate, the problem is like once fillet of fish burgers reach maturity, they are harvested by sweaty 16-year-old teenage boys and girls who hate themselves, and they are honestly listening. They are consumed by human beings on the overworld.
So that's sort of what you're dealing with. So just keep that in mind. I know you're concerned about us killing you, but it's really just more like we are hungry. So I think I handled that well.
I can't believe this. My whole life's been a lie. Yeah, it's shit.
Hey, do you want to kill yourself? Oh, fuck yeah. Please eat me. Yeah, baby.
Before we eat him, I just got to steal him first, because it's my whole deal. Steal him. Hey, give that back. Now we can eat him.
Who the fuck is that? I'm the 16-year-old worker, and I get paid $8 an hour. You're going to sacrifice your life for this burger. You're stealing fucking burgers, man. Do you know who the fuck I am? A kid's clown? What are you doing here? I'm Ronald Mcfucking Donald.
Why do you have an erection? Why do you have big shoes and face paint?
He does raise a good point. That is a real good point that he does raise up there.
Why does your nametag say John Wayne Gacy? Who's John Wayne Gacy? I think he was the guy dressed as clown in Killglore Kids.
Jesus Christ. Do you want that one or nah? Yeah, sure. Yeah, you got me. I'm John Wayne Gacy. Oh. Wow.
What? What does that mean? Oh, I just, I just, uh, you know, I feel like we'd work well as a team together. What?
You got a dark side, bro. Thank you for listening to another episode of the Cracker Mill podcast. Oh, a natural ending. Thanks to our patrons for making this one happen, and if you're watching this on YouTube, you want the big, full, fucked up, crazy, son of a bitch version, it's there. This went a lot of places.
Yeah, it was good. It was good. I enjoy it. |
dropout | hiiiiiiiiigh_castle_part_2 | We're all big fans of Amazon's The Man in the High Castle. The Who and the What Castle? Man in the High Castle.
I never watched it before, I just like getting high. Today, we've decided to combine the two. And this? This? This is... High Castle.
V.A. Day. Good old V.A. Day.
Open group on fever. Would you tell me when this little fantasy has worn off? He's like, hey, uh, Nazi force of July is coming up. What are you doing? What do you do for Nazi 4th of July?
I'm son and father playing catch with the baseball. By the way, John's son cannot fill a baseball.
He's the most adorable Nazi on the show, where he's just like, he just loves being a Nazi so much. Hi, grow up, I'm going to be a big and strong Nazi like you.
It's not just John Smith, you have to worry about it. It's Mrs. John Smith. My wife, Helen, he's rubbed off on her.
Maybe she was evil from the beginning. Yeah, that's why they're married. Oh, man, you're hella evil? I'm hella evil. Evil woman, evil man wanting to make the most evil baby, and his son comes out, which is just like, hi dad, hi dad.
It's hot. It's the hottest movie right now. It's real sexy.
Yeah. So they get the film, they escape. Frank and Juliana watch the movie. Grasshopper and chill. Or is that the next one? Grasshopper and chill. And in the film, they see. San Francisco is nuked.
And all of a sudden, you see Frank on his knees. That's me. And he gets shot, and then the camera pans off, and who do you see? Guess Jeff. In a Nazi uniform. You have to guess. It was Joe. It was Joe!
What? What I'm talking about.
And Frank just comes in like Mike Tyson. Just gives him a nice little jab to the jaw. Joe falls back. He's like, oh, snapping in. All of a sudden, guess what homie Joe did? He was first to Donald. Got him again. Team Joe for the win.
Oh. So Ober Gruppenfuhrer, as he's on edge. What happened to Ober Gruppenfuhrer? He finds out that his son has a disease. Yeah. Thomas, his son. Also, his immediate supervisor. Ober Gruppenfheimer. Yeah, I am. What? The comb hydrant.
Like, you know how there's Godzilla and there's mega Godzilla? He's like, mega open-minded. So he puts, he tells Rudolph, this fake Swedish guy, puts him up in a hotel and tells him, I have a mission for you.
You're gonna kill Hitler. Just go kill Hitler. Just go kill him.
Go ahead.
He tried to. Rudolph had that really bummer scene where he's like hugging his kids goodbye for the last time. He's cold, man.
And his daughter walks up and she's like, hey, I made shirts for you and Hitler. I made shirts? Yeah. I thought they were shirts. I want them to wear matching shirts now. I thought it was matching. I really thought it was matching shirts. I made you t-shirts for you and Hitler.
Ober's timer is now with open Gruppenfuhrer. On a hunting trip. The Nazis are very obvious when they wanna kill someone. You always know when a Nazi's like, yes, would you like to go hunting with me? I brought rifles for both of us, John.
With her feminine charm, she lures Joe to the docks. But Joe is like, I'm a better man now. It changed me. Sure, you're not really a Nazi. No way, I like you too much. Total denial. She somehow gets him on the boat. Bye. Aww, Julianna.
Yeah, it was like his James Bond escape. And he has a film. What have you done? Of all the people that want this fire mix tape tape, Inspector Keto wants it too. And so he goes to the Acusa and he's like, we know you have this film. And they go in this battle of words. You want it, then give me money. He's like, that's a bribe. FYI, Keto.
I have the name of the assassin. The real assassin.
What? You shut your mouth, we shut our mouths. And Keto's like, oh, gulp.
Ed tried to unmount the gun. To help Frank. So now the campaign tie is coming for Ed. Such a good friend is a sad sack.
Hey, no, no. To Gomi, if you remember, he's been seen meditating from time to time throughout the series. And he's always getting very close. He's like, in this moment we see him and he's meditating and he's holding the necklace.
The woo. The bling. And then all of a sudden, he vibes out into the current timeline where America wins the war. And everything is, as we know it, today. Hot dogs. Like red, white, and blue everywhere.
That's how it ends. What? That's how it ends. That's it? That's it. No more?
Well, there's season two. Everybody's empty. What just happened? Oh, we got to plug it back in. I want a Coke and I want a popcorn. |
TheOnion | Today_Now_Save_Money_By_Taking_A_Vacation_Entirely_In_Your_Mind | Fewer Americans than ever are planning to travel this summer, but what if taking that vacation doesn't turn out to be as expensive as you think? Travel expert Kathy Barnett joins us now with an affordable summer getaway solution, taking a vacation in your mind.
Hi Kathy. Hi Jim. Hi Tracy.
So Kathy, what exactly is a mind vacation? Well, instead of actually taking a trip, you simply close your eyes and imagine you're taking a trip. It's just as good as a traditional vacation, but at a fraction of the cost. So fun. Well, Kathy, we're seeing some photos here of you on some of your mind vacations.
Yes, yes. Oh, here I am in Paris last summer. Oh, and here I'm in Hawaii and I'm laying on the sand and I'm reading the latest Stieg Larsson novel. That's good. Clever.
Kathy, what do people need to know if they want to take their own mind vacation? Well, the first thing is it's always very important to dress comfortably. If you're going to Italy, you're going to be sitting there for eight hours imagining that plane ride, unless of course you imagine a good stiff tailwind. Then you can make it into about seven and a half. Good tip. I would say that it's always a good idea to set a maximum amount for your own mind vacation. Yes, it's so important, but the great thing about a mind vacation is that you can imagine you're eating a four-star meal even if you are just eating your usual tuna out of the can.
Oh, see? Here I am at Buca di Beppo. Look at that. Oh. At the Universal Studios City Walk. Oh, how wonderful. Well, Kathy, you say that if people really want to save money that we should be looking for last-minute deals. Is that right? Totally. Last year there was a sale at the store I was in on bulk canned stew and adult diapers. Now, that was enough for me to sit in my barca lounger for a six-day trip at half the usual cost. Wow. Now, our viewers at home should also know that you don't have to go on a mind vacation alone. Oh.
Neither do you. Nope.
Here's me on a trip to Vermont with my sister, Diane. Diane has been sick for a very long time, so it's really good for her to pretend to get out occasionally.
Sure. As long as you're both on the same page with what you're imagining, it'll work out great. Great. Kathy, you also encourage people to use these techniques in their just normal daily lives as well, right? Right. I do. I've been to your university, and in my mind I have the same bachelor degree as everybody else, but none of the debt. Good point.
Oh, and I also got married at Buckingham Palace last week to a wonderful man that I met on a cruise through the Orient.
Oh, and look at you now. You're being interviewed on the Today Now Morning Show. Oh, isn't it wonderful? Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. Oh, oh. We're going to commercial now? Today Now Morning Show. Oh, isn't it wonderful? Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. Oh, oh. We're going to commercial now? |
SaturdayNightLive | the_black_lotus_snl | Welcome Ma'am checking in. Yes, I am. it's just. oh gosh. I forgot my credit card. I must have left it in the limousine. is that okay? can you trust me? Oh, I can't. I have it in a couple hours. Well, then come back in a couple of hours. All right. I don't know you. I'm trying to run a business coming soon to Hbo Black Lotus. All the intrigue, none of the foolishness. Yeah, these two ladies are gonna be visiting me over the next couple days.
So if you just go ahead and give him a key, yes, sir. Hey William. mm-hmm. give these whores a spare key to the room. would you please talk a little quiet? Okay, look William, See this man right here. he didn't come with nobody. so he wants these hoes to come and go as they please. Everybody treat these hoes like they're regular people. Sir, you do realize that giving them a key allows them to charge anything. they want to the room.
Yes, it's fine. Oh, it's fine.
Oh, okay. so you rich, rich then ain't wealthy tourists, one luxury hotel, and a staff who has no time for this nonsense? Will your friend be joining us or is he still upstairs? your wife? Oh, we don't have scooters, ma'am, but I could offer you the hotels 1999 Chrysler 300. hey, baby. is the car back? Why don't you go look yourself cuz you were the last one to take it out? Does he look like Jack is taking me out to the countryside today to the countryside. didn't y'all just meet? Yeah, crazy, right? we're going on an adventure. How nice y'all Enjoy now.
Okay. bye You don't kill her and a staff that's had enough. Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm having a bit of a crisis.
Do you know where I could find a psychic or a fortune teller? A fortune teller?
Not in here. this is Jesus's house. I just can't believe it. I give her $50,000 and she totally played with you, huh? What did you think? What happened? there's plenty of holes out there who never slept with your Poppy.
It's good. I'm a me home. we're not kind of money. I would let you take me for a throw, but you don't know what to do without. realize Black Roses each season at a new exotic location like Atlanta, Washington, Dc and Italy. Hey beautiful, you'll let me sing the night, right? I'm good. I promise I won't let you down. Oh, you want to sing? You think you can replace Kenny in the Kirk Franklin lounge? You know it.
I think I'll sit this one out. mm-hmm. I think that'd be best. I paid for the Copa Suite. so I should get the Copa Suite. I don't understand why that's so damn hard, sir. It's like I told you, it's just not available. Well, then make it available.
Moron. Oh my God, welcome to Black Lotus, bitch. Dare bring an attitude folks.
Found a body on the beach. did anybody see anything? that ain't none of my business. I don't know nothing about that. So no one saw a body wash up from the ocean. Is the ocean, the hotel cuz I work at the hotel. coming to Hbo and stars spring. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_188_Matt_and_Alex | Hi, it's Errol Parker here, just letting you know that we recorded this podcast a couple weeks ago. We had a few topical, time-sensitive episodes come up, so we released them before we released this one. This one's a couple weeks old, but still, it's evergreen, it's timeless, and here we go.
Things are getting better across the land, borders are starting to reopen, South Australia made a move on that, and everything feels like it's getting back to normal. There's a lot of misplaced nostalgia that everyone has harbored throughout lockdown for the way things were, and we're lucky enough to see glimpses here and there of the way things were. There's a Jackass reunion coming, Jackass Forever, I believe it's called. I think Bad Boy 3 was pretty cool, and of course The Rock has returned to the WWE around the same time the newest Fast and the Furious came out. So we're getting a good look at that world we left behind before this virus, and personally, it warms my heart as someone who doesn't like change.
You've had the same two blokes recording this podcast for you for a couple of years, you've got myself, Clancy Overall, editor of The Batooter Advocate, Errol Parker, editor-at-large, Howie Errol? I'm always good, mate.
You know, I'm more in the school of change. I do love change, and I do like the way in which this virus has changed the world for the worse. I think moving forward, though, I think it's always good to look back on the past and learn from it, and look, I think today we've got a really stellar example of that.
So, Clancy, would you like to introduce today's very special guests? Yes, you might remember them from the Matt and Alex breakfast show on Triple J. Now they run the Matt and Alex breakfast podcast, which you don't have to strictly listen to at breakfast time. Thank you for joining us, Matt and Alex. Boys, pleasure to be with you. Bad Boys for Life is the new film coming out, and I think it is probably a good example, because I think, Matt, you're probably the Will Smith of our duo, and I'm the Martin Lawrence of the team.
People are really reminiscing, and I found myself doing this recently, because I was going to buy a skateboard during my holidays. And that was a sad moment, when I thought, oh, I'm going to buy a skateboard. But what was even sadder than that, than the 36-year-old jumping back on the board, is before I had a chance to buy a skateboard, seeing two other of my friends buying skateboards, and realising that I was not being some unique, cool dude, revisiting an old fad.
But in fact, one of the gnarly sheep, one of the pathetic skating sheeple that populate this red dirt earth.
What do you have at a skate park at Petuda, gentlemen? I haven't been there. I'm sure most towns, whenever they want to do something for the youth, they chuck in a skate park. What's it like there? You've got to have somewhere to smoke billies. Yeah, I've taken my push bike down there a few times.
It's very challenging. But yeah, and look, I thought, because we won the Cold War, I was never going to suffer the indignity of riding a push bike in public. You know, like, we won, we can all have cars, we can all have big cars that use a lot of petrol, blah, blah, blah, blah. But look, this pandemic has put me on the bike. And now that it's over, I can get off it. Well, the drink driving charge also helped that.
Yes.
Didn't get a section 10 for that one either. That's that's gonna ruin ruin me going to fucking Hawaii on a working holiday for the rest of my life.
You would have probably been boozing with the cop at the pub that pulled you over in Petuda. Well, you know, they send these kids from the city out who are used to policing. Like, you know, the most recent cop came from Maruchidor, which if you'd be familiar matters, a Queenslander, but it's kind of like a it's that the hinterland of the Sunshine Coast where they have extremely violent taverns. So he's used to riffraff. And when he's when he's not met with it, he starts looking for it in Petuda. And and that's why, you know, such esteemed local community figures like Errol Parker end up getting pinged for driving. He'd only had I was driving home with the cop and we'd sometimes play this game where we kind of lean out the window and we try and throw empty beer bottles at the guideposts on the side of the road.
And he said, oh, mate, how about you just hit one with the corner of the bull bar? And I was like, oh, sure. And I went out onto the shoulder and I hit one, but turned out it was just a bloke in a white coat. So he's so this blokes and it was a front line with an old fashioned doctor's life on his head. I've bounced, you know, he was a climate scientist, so I've bounced him into the table drain. He's got, you know, a broken hip and broken back in the magistrate. He just, you know, threw the book at me for that one. But that said, he was lauded by the Murdoch newspapers for he was a left leaning judge.
Yeah. They would have given you an order of Australia head of Sony for, um, for those kinds of actions. I would have thought a week ago they would have, he was left leaning too, because I think that he was hit by a car and got a broken hip and his left legs a bit shorter. Yeah. Right. Really like left winning in the truest sense of the word.
Now, Matt, back to your skateboard purchase. What do you think that is? Do you think that, I mean, aside from being, you know, a sheep and influenced by other people on social media, do you think that was like a want for the simplicity of life before you could afford eating at a nice restaurant where it was just like skateboarding was a cool way to spend your day? Um, for me, it's like, what can I do? That's not drinking. That's basically what I was, I was, you know, I was in a phase where I was like, okay. Uh, it seems to me I'm either working or boozing.
So what, what is there possibly in between in this current lockdown world that I could do? And they're just locked out of my radius. So I couldn't do it.
And I'll, and I'll have you know that I, I, I am quite the keen skateboarder from a long time. I once turned down free tickets to go see George of the jungle. I believe maybe George of the jungle with Brendan Frazier. Yeah. With Brendan Frazier for that tree. Yeah. Turn down George of the jungle tickets to go to gingerly skate park with my mate instead. So, uh, this is, this is, this is probably me just rediscovering my true inner self and the person that I have blocked for so long in a bid to, you know, be cool.
So you are a Southside Brisbane product. Westside bro. Westside.
Okay. So you wouldn't be that excited about the Redcliff dolphins have officially officially been bumped into the NRL, which will be a big coup for the peninsula. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The Redcliff dolphins are going to be in the NRL.
Yep.
This as of today. Hang on, I'm going to Google this. What's going on here? Just been announced the second Brisbane team. You can tell the gear blokes are working. Oh my God. This is amazing.
We're a feeder club. But to the dolphins are officially a feeder club to the NRL.
Yeah. Very, very happy about that. I thought it would have been Toowoomba for sure, but they're pretty much just the Broncos. Yeah. Anyway, we're the Clydesdales of yesteryear.
No, I thought they could have made it the Toowoomba, the Toowoomba team, just so that, you know, those Jetstar flights to go to Brisbane West airport. Close to the stadium. Well, everyone, everyone in Queensland's been getting given treats by the politicians. I think there was a lot of lobbying from the, from the government to get Redcliff. In fact, it was a great one where labor and liberal party came together. Deputy Premier Steven Miles stood next to a man. He obviously loathes in the shape of Peter Dutton and they announced it to the, we're both wearing dolphins hats. So they were pushing that Northside Brisbane bid, but Toowoomba got the quarantined facility, which is like a thousand beds.
You can't have your... So instead of a football team, they get a bunch of sick people. Your virus need it too, you know? How long until...
Well, there's some front row workers rather than some frontline workers on the NRL bid there. That means that the state high kids will have somewhere to sleep when they go up and play downlands.
Absolutely. Yeah.
In the quarantine facilities. And, you know, it's funny where we were at in Queensland, because it's like, what are we fighting for here? It's like, we demand the right to have a thousand potentially sick people with like gamma, gamma strain, less than five kilometres from our air, from our hospitals. They're like, yes, that's what we want. Give us the beds, I guess. So it's like everywhere else in Queensland is fighting to keep people out of there, but Toowoomba's decided that they're processing... What's going to happen with that?
It feels a year late. The opposite of the not in my backyard mindset. It's definitely like, no, I've got space in the backyard.
Thank you. Put a little bit of depleted uranium, uranium next to it. Thanks.
Yeah. No, I think it does sound a bit late, but what do you do? It's like, we've since learned, I mean, you do, you could go earlier, but we've since learned that there'll be another one and it'd be better if you'd be prepared, but like the other one could be a hundred years. I think it was, I think it was premier Jeff Kennett that specifically got rid of Melbourne's infectious diseases hospital about 10 years ago. Yeah. I mean, in a hundred years, all of the, you'd think all of the sockets in the lockdown facility would need re-going over at least. Yeah.
You know, get to the universal sockets. The ethernet socket for the MBN or whatever.
They might get MBN by then a hundred years into Toowoomba. Well, they probably, I'm thinking the same about the submarines. By the time the new nuclear subs are built, the Chinese will be able to just bob out of the water, detect them. It'll be $5 billion per sub wasted. They will be levitating by the time we get those submarines. They will be, they will be time traveling. They'll have a shitload more water to explore. They'll be able to go right up to, you know, the bottom of Mount Coot-her with the submarines.
Just park it on the forecourt of the opera house. The coral reef formerly known as Tuvalu. There'll be a lot, there'll be a lot going on. No, I think they were saying that the first part of the country to go under water will be Adelaide because it's the biggest hole. Yeah.
Also Bob Katter has had a theory that he's told us about, which sounds a lot like environmental vandalism, where he would like to... It's eco-terrorism. Eco-terrorism.
He thinks that so much of the center of Australia is below sea level. He doesn't think that that is a scientific fact he's willing to accept.
And he thinks that we should bore out the Gulf and the Bight and just create a massive inland canal. Like an inland port. Call it the Burke and Wills canal from south to north. He's talking about, he's talking about eliminating like... Takes the most arbitrary path across this continent. So you could take the gun or get the submarines could go in the canal. You could, a few boomers can be in the nuclear sub up the canal and stop off at Coober Pedy for a...
Well, there is a conspiracy theory in Alice Springs, right? Because they've got the Pine Gap facility, which is, you know, what the United States and we use and the POMs used to spy on the Chinese and the Russians. And the aliens. Yeah. So, but back when they built it, they wanted the power to be independent of everything else and they didn't have the technology at the time.
So they took some engines out of some World War II submarines and they still use them to that day to power the generators at the Pine Gap facility. And there are people who are able to pick up the vibrations and they're like, these are subs. The submarines are at Pine Gap. There is a tunnel that goes under the country into Pine Gap. And that's, it's a submarine base. It's a secret submarine base.
Who cares? Why would that be a secret? Because we don't know it. They're hiding a giant mega tunnel from us.
No, no. So the engine, so the submarine engines are on the land powering this base, but like people on dark corners of the internet actually think the engines are below the earth and that there's a massive underwater canal underneath. Oh, right. They've hooked up the submarines, like world's longest storm drain, just going into the Gulf of Carpentaria. Critical issue with that. If there were the submarines, they would be ones from World War II, because those are the engines that are down there. Yeah.
So it's like, fire out. I wouldn't be, I imagine that every single pub in Australia, you know, when you go get like a beer and they, and they, they're like, it's still runny or like still frothy or foamy. And they go change their kegs. So they just tip it all down the hole. I reckon every hole in Australia goes to that place.
Yeah, it goes to, it's vigil. Vigil on steroids and on shitty cloudy coopers pale ale. It goes into a bucket and that bucket is delivered to the nearest branch office of the national party. Here we go. Drink up boys.
So, Matt, you've been into skateboarding and early fatherhood. Alex, you've decided to become a member of the political class. Tell us about that decision too. Was it One Nation you were associated with? Who were you? No, I did get the prime position of standing next to the candidate, the Senate candidate for One Nation down in the Southwest of Victoria, where I hail from as good dairy country down there. Had a conversation with them and it's, yeah, it's interesting. You can have a pleasant conversation with someone's politics. You, you totally disagree with, but yeah, I ran as a, ran as an independence a little while ago.
I just admired our leaders so much. You know, you, you can't be what you can't see. And I saw people doing a really great job. And I thought, I want to be one of them. I started seeing the pensions that these jokers are getting after, after four years in politics. Oh, well done.
Here's 20,000 a year for the rest of your life. And a driver. 20,000. 200,000. $20,000 a year. I'd still take 20, but 200's a bit better.
You're back to working at McDonald's in 1992. I don't know why these people in Canberra can't save for retirement, you know, put their hands up in the industry super funds in the same way that we do. I mean, it's almost, it's almost ABC levels of, you know, job for life kind of stuff, isn't it? I've heard some interesting stories about the ABC having like, you know, guys that started in the 60s or whatever, and they're the lighting person on Play School, and they just retire absolutely minted. We've been in that when we were working at Triple J, went down to Play School at one point, and there was an very old dude, I had no idea about this, who's there.
He's sitting on a grand piano, and the people are there making their little pipe cleaner stuff. And he's watching it, improvising the piano live to what's going on. I thought they had the soundtrack or something. No, it's an old guy that they couldn't fire, who's still there playing the piano, as Jemima, you know, picks the arch window.
I was watching an episode with him yesterday. That's my life now. I'm watching that guy. He was playing along with Alex Pappas, who was playing the big double bass.
So are you guys still on the books with the Public Broadcaster? No, I missed out on my long service leave. Yeah, you don't pop in once a year to host like an episode of Backroads. Actually, if anything, it's the opposite. I bloody messaged Lewis Hobart to get on his show.
No, he still hasn't replied. All right. Not even a, oh, sorry, I'll check with the producer. Literally nothing. Yeah.
I couldn't believe it. That's a betrayal for someone that you mentored so closely.
Yeah, we messaged. We actually messaged quite regularly. And now, this is the last message I sent, and he hasn't messaged me since. Yeah, that's so called silence. No, they shut the door on us since we've been, I mean, I managed to get back in for six months.
Hosted the lunch shift. Lewis McCurdy, a very hard act to follow in that particular shift, but got the lunchtime legends there. And you know, the difference between Triple J Lunch and Triple J Breakfast is it's your peak, you know, diehard fan time.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That 12 till 3. You are on some of the filthiest worksite radios. Yeah, yeah.
Welded in. You're welded in. Exactly, exactly. They've popped the mask down, and they have got that dial welded to it.
And yeah, it's some pretty fun times in the midday hours, where they dare to play a song over four minutes in length. You can really push the boat out a little bit then. I'm guessing not so much Kid LeRoy at that hour. No, more kind of bad dreams, you know.
Get me as close to Triple M as you fucking can. But don't give me it. Friends of Rob. I fucking hate that MG.
Too outspoken for me. That's it. But it's tough with being the independent politician root, boys. Yeah. So I'm just waiting and wishing and hoping. Speaking of not replying to messages, I wanted to get in touch with you boys. I think the Betuda party in the Senate, I think we need to get it going. I've had some chats with some people. We're willing to, you know, there's some big fundraisers, some great candidates.
We need, I mean, you've conquered beer. You've conquered rugby league. Correct. With your feeder club. You've conquered print media. When are you going to get a seat at the table?
Well, the thing is with politics and media, you can do a lot more and you have a lot more of a say by not involving yourself in the political process. It's more about, I guess, influence. And if we wanted to get involved and go to Canberra, we just do it as journalists and tell people what to think. And, you know, as we've always said, we want to get the newspaper to a point where we get to decide who wins wars.
Yeah. I don't know. I don't, you know, if you become one of them, then you become everything that you hate. I mean, I think I would much rather charter a helicopter, go to Parliament House and jump out of it and try and land in the courtyard in front of some politicians. So at least they have that in their memory forever of me hitting the concrete at terminal velocity right in front of them. Absolutely. Make them feel alive. And then they'll say, I'll take that as a comment at the next press conference. What the hell was that? Yeah. Oh, it was just a newspaper journalist. That's fine.
Well, alternatively, you could just raise $5 million and give it to a lobbyist and then he'll go to Barnaby Joyce's office and tell him what to do. The absolute. You buy a little bit of water, $2 million with water and sell it for $80 million. That's pretty good profit on. That's the Bitcoin of the Riverina right there. Quite the cream.
Tell you what, you could aim for the New South Wales upper house because no one knows what they look like or what they do. They do fucking nothing.
He's in the New South Wales upper house. He's on more than a federal one.
And they sit in this fucking tiny red room and yell at each other for 20 minutes a week. Then they go and play golf or something.
Is Fred Nyle still there? That mad prison? Yeah, man. I think he's in his last term, but he is blowing a fuckload of blue smoke. There is fuck all going on between his ears anymore. Mark Latham should be remembered as the man that brought down Gladys, by the way.
Like people forget that. ICAC, ICAC. It was like she putting it to bed about with the bad boyfriend narrative and everyone kind of caught that and kind of the news cycle moved on. We're back into the pandemic.
And then Latham got up with parliamentary privilege and said, someone told me that Daryl Maguire had a key to Gladys' place, which means he was more than a professional fucking associate. And it was just exploded and brought it up again. Is that what he said? Did he say that Daryl had a key to Gladys' place? Yeah, that was Latham.
Parliamentary privilege again, or the one thing why I ran for parliament, just to get my hands on a little bit. There's a little morsel about parliamentary privilege. What even is parliamentary privilege? Because I saw that was one of John Barrallaro's defenses against friendly Geordies. What is parliamentary privilege?
It's basically a place where you can say whatever you want. It doesn't have to be true and you can't be sued for it. It's like you can't be held liable for what you say in parliament, unless it's something with a legal recourse or something like you could just hop up in parliament and say what Darren Hinch did and just goes, all right, the following people are pedophiles. And then just as he was about to do that, he was like, I'm not doing that anymore because I've just been threatened. Yeah, yeah. Not with legal action, but probably with a high powered rifle. I'm not going to say this anymore.
It's really up to ABC24 to quickly change. We're just going to interrupt that now to go to the chief minister of fucking Canberra has something to announce about a light rail. So let's go to the supermarket in Mournon.
What inspired you guys to get the gang back together, Bad Boys for Life? We really enjoy talking rubbish together. We have fun hanging out and yeah, we found podcasting being a really great way to do that. And we think, you know, Netflix, Stan, Paramount Plus now have taken over your Channel 9s and your Channel 7s. It's only a matter of time until people go, wait, I don't have to get up at 6am to listen to Fitzy and Whipper. I can put on Matt and Alex at a time convenient to me. And so that's how we sort of started the discussions around it.
Yeah, I would say money. Yeah, money. But the thing is, the thing is I was thinking money the whole time.
And then Daiso, I remember we had a phone call and I was kind of like, you know, is it worth doing it, blah, blah, blah. And then I was like, why would you want to do it? And Daiso said, well, because I think that we will have a lot of fun. And I was like, oh, yeah, of course. And then I was like, of course, I'll actually enjoy myself. Yeah, let's do it.
And I have. It's been like the best. It has literally been the best thing to come out of last 18 months for, you know, because we did it before. We said we were going to do it before the pandemic. And then, you know, everything hit. And I thought it was going to go away, but it actually just turned into an even better opportunity.
Although the anecdotes suffered, boys. I don't know if you felt the same in lockdown. There's only so much talk about, oh, isn't it weird when you're washing the dishes and this happens?
You know, do you guys keep your cutlery in this order? Or do you go full spoon knife or do you go that?
I was in Thailand last week. So hard about it. You were like, yeah, this has been talked about. I was like, well, I find it interesting. I bought a skateboard the other day. But I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. We knew we were in a different ball game because back in triple J days, we weren't allowed to accept anything.
Yeah, right. Right. But, um, you know, we're not like your fancy politicians getting secret cuts and, you know, bottles of grains. Yeah. Yeah, grains and stuff.
We had to say no to everything.
But then in our first week of podcast, I mentioned how much I've started liking hummus neck minute. Yeah. 12 cases of hummus turn up. I'm like, all right, let's go weeks. Let's see how much I like this.
Is there an ICAC at the ABC though? I mean like surely you would have been able to find a way. Well, we talked about recently on the podcast, got an email, this is a long time ago, like 18 months ago saying we're investigating whether people at the ABC have been underpaid. And they've got, they've come to the independent auditor to come in, which they're probably paying more than they would have paid the staff.
Tell you what. So they're coming in, they're like, we're checking, we're checking. Months go by, just an update. We haven't figured it out yet. We'll be in touch soon. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Finally, get the letter, scroll down. We have a decision. Open the PDF, enter your password and you will unlock this decision.
I feel like I'm on deal or nosy. I'm about to pull the suitcase down to check if working there for 13 years of the triple J has been underpaid has come up. You have not been underpaid.
And I'm like, oh, unbelievable. But O'Kine, different story.
How much? Nine bucks, 60. And they rounded up to 10. So that's some sweet taxpayers round up. Thank you very much. Nine bucks, 60.
I just going down a long bay for that, I reckon. Did you get free tickets and shit? Surely that's got to come with. Yeah, that's part of it. Yeah, yeah. That's not really anything like, like, I mean, Tyson got offered to get flown to New York and he couldn't go. Yeah, right.
They wanted us to go to New York one time to interview Hugh Jackman on the streets of New York. And so they were going to fly me and my co host at the time, Tom Ballard over.
But we didn't know about it. And they just told us months later that that was on the table. Like, oh, this is quite a, there's too much integrity going on around here.
Thank you very much. I'll tell you what, you do get invited to sweet, like, booths in, you know, at gigs. Yeah, yeah. So when you do go, you're not just like, sometimes I'll invite you to, like, the nice booth. Yeah. So it's like, hey, Matt, thank you for coming to this client liaison gig. Do you want to go over there and get as fucked as possible or do you want to stay here? Go into a nice fancy booth with you.
I only vomit on Suede. None of this linoleum crap that the punters are going.
But yeah, I remember sitting at a table one time with the Triple J crew. And one of the dudes from the record labels is like, oh, I'll buy you a round of drinks.
And the boss is like, no, sorry, I can't do that. Oh, really? But they won't even, they don't even buy you milk for your coffee in the morning. You know what I mean?
Like you literally have to bring, everyone brings their own little carton of milk with their name on it. And people draw lines as to where the milk's at so that other people don't bring their milk. And I can tell you, the Triple J fridge, I mean, you can only imagine, boys, you've got the almond, you've got the oat, you've got the rice milk, you've got the, you know, every variety you could ask for. So that means if you don't want anyone to touch your milk, then get full fat, cheap milk. That was my trick, the Triple J fridge. Full strength. Oh, no one's touched my milk.
I wonder why. We did a story years ago about the Triple J soundie who had to go into the toilets to watch the Melbourne Cup alone in the bathroom cubicle. And then we went in to do an interview, you know, a bit later with the girls who ended up, you know, on breakfast. And they said as a joke, they brought that guy in, that archetype existed, and they brought him in. It was like, he thought you'd written this about him because he had to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Big, long hair.
And he goes, man, it's so funny. You've got it in one. Everyone around here is saying nup to the cup. I'm in the bathroom. I'm loading up bets on fucking on whatever happened. Then I'm going straight through to watch it live.
The place changed. I guess you guys really did start that woke thing. You know, like a lot of the kind of cancel culture, I guess we could put down to you guys, which is pretty cool kind of legacy to leave in the Australian media. Because it was about time, because me and Tom Ballard, we took over from Marique Hardy, who is a known, you know, soft, you know, he just lets everything fly person who is hates the political correctness society that we're in. And the cats of culture and, you know, she goes to writers festivals just to abuse everyone and tell them how we had to tighten up the ship. And then the truth is triple J taught me a lot about that. More than like, I got changed a lot by that whole thing.
I remember what I was doing. We're doing, you stopped doing your Rodney Rood skits. I'll tell you what the accents were the first to go. I should have seen it. My cab driver on the way in here this morning, he was all like, let's, let's end it there, Matt. You have to constantly having to dump, dump impressions that coming through. No, but I remember, I remember getting a saying, and this was just one of the, this is the first time it happened for me where I was like, oh, I've got to be, I've got to understand what I'm actually saying.
Cause um, I was talking about on this day, you know? And I was like, oh, on this day. And I was looking, I was literally just reading off a website and the website said on this day, Ellen admits to being gay. Right. And so I just said what the website said. And then afterwards I got all these messages being like, Hey, what you've said there is completely wrong and really inappropriate because she admitted it.
Yeah, exactly. Something like that. And I was in a room with a single light globe swinging above her. Finally, the water dripping onto the towel over her face. Yeah. Someone's holding a lamp in her face. Yeah. I had not even thought about what I was saying. Yeah.
You could have said, you said on this day, Ellen DeGeneres finally concedes to being gay. It was a big wake up call. And the amount of feedback and the amount of feedback that I realised, the diversity of people were listening and I was like, oh man, I'm not just in a club anymore. Like on stage in some little club. Yeah, for sure. I've got to think about every word and what it means to everyone. So it changed me. On the other side of things, I remember being on the weekends or the overnight, like the real graveyard shift kind of thing, which is based into itself on triple J. I mean, I said lunches where the, where the, you know, the try to truly listen as you listen to triple J at three in the morning, you are some of the elite.
I remember we got a call from this guy called Forbesy. We were like, what's going on Forbesy?
He's like, I just got pulled over at a mudgie. I'm in the jail cell. This is my one phone call. I thought I'd call triple J to tell everyone to come bail me out.
Oh, sorry, mate. But I was, I wasn't one of those. Someone go get Forbesy. It was a few more years after George Bush decided to go into Iraq and get rid of those weapons of mass destruction. And I said the phrase on air, something about our George Bush getting into an illegal war and I got pulled up because ABC got some complaints going. Yeah, right. You can't be saying that as a, you know, impartial observer, you know, as, as many UN conventions that, you know, could be circumvented or, you know, wording of which have, you know, be damned. That's not something you can say on the ABC. So yeah, you do get used to asking questions a fair bit better rather than giving your own opinions on stuff.
Now you guys worked in different pairs, I guess, throughout your career. When you both disbanded as host, was it you both of you left? Was that the case? Yeah. So Alex, you worked with Tom Ballard before. Was there a time, cause we've spoken to Hamish and Andy before. Uh, we've spoken to Hamish Blake on the podcast before and he kind of tells a funny story of when the drums are ringing. Everyone had figured out they had a chemistry that worked and ABC came for them for triple J. I remember listening to that episode where you interviewed them and someone gave them the advice like, well, if you don't go Fox, otherwise you'll never get on triple J. Yeah. Yeah.
And triple J were like, you've made the wrong decision. They're like, nah, nah, we've just signed with, uh, Osteria. And they're like, you've signed, uh, the wrong contract with the devil.
You'll be hosting lunchtime on coughs. You know, you might, you may have to go to their studios in Parramatta. Do you want that? Yeah.
It was like, you've, you've signed the wrong deal. You signed the ABC. We're telling them, no, no, you've got an unsigned that and come with us. And they're like, no, but we've already signed it and we kind of feels good. And they're paying us more. And then paying us a million dollars this year.
But then you see it with, and I'm 22 and I'm allowed to take any gift. I get, and I get to go to the bird cage at the rate and everyone that I work with watches the Melbourne cup. But in the same breath, you know, you saw American Ross.
So bounce between the public broadcast from the commercial. Did you ever get a knock on the door as, as you guys as a chemistry, like as a duo with chemistry to get knocked on the knock on the door from the, uh, from the other commercial networks or, yeah, no, I got approached about a couple of times solo before what this would have been before I joined triple J. Yeah. But that was for things like just hitting up for like, yeah, regional or Perth or something and stuff like that. We never got, we never got tried to get poached. Yeah, it was quite, it's quite funny as well. Cause I remember like thinking about, oh, it's interesting that I genuinely think that they're outside of, you know, triple J. They really don't care about what goes on at triple J at all. Like you can feel it in the building with the amount of people who listen, whether you're broadcasting on the hottest 100 or, you know, the triple J Facebook, something blows up or just seeing people in the shop. So you could say, get a, and we don't, whatever. Like what's your fate, just asking what's your favorite, like a version out of nowhere or whatever, but outside of it. Yeah.
I don't think they really understand how big it is as a, as an organization, as a cultural touch point. Like I remember one survey when we were, I think it was our second year of breakfast, triple J as a station was the second most listened to station in the whole of Sydney and we were 0.3 behind kiss FM and Kylie as a station. And it's like, yeah, that just never really registered with anyone. It's quite surprising how they underestimate people outside of the bubble.
Yeah, for sure. Just imagine if they had ads. Yeah. But also it was great. I have to say in the end to see Ben and Liam get one away like that, you know what I mean?
To see those boys go back to their hometown as Kings with an afternoon show. And the content that they come up with, like that's, that's the beauty of having young radio hosts or even young people in any work is that they will work so much harder than everyone else for not as much money, you know, whether it's us at triple J or Ben and Liam, who then go back to Nova still, you know, in their early to mid twenties now. And they broadcast a show hanging from a billboard or run a marathon or they kayak to Kangaroo Island or whatever. And it's like a couple of these people, you know, who could sit around and have their breakfast radio show jobs for so long would, you know, never do those kind of stunts.
They were so radio. Get so much more money. We met them at Splendour. They were so radio. We went to the Splendour in the grass as a media capacity.
They just gave us a tent, which we left eskies in. Did you get the media pass or the triple A? What did they do? Yeah, we got a triple A. Oh, there we go. There it is. And we were playing up out the back. Every other like triple J had a giant tent with fucking desks and carpet and all this shit. And like all these people.
Did you guys just have two plastic chairs? Chairs and a table.
And that was it. That would be a bit more infrastructure than Desert Rock FM, though. We had the Zoom and a bit of paper with Betuda strapped to the front of the tent. But we saw Ben and Liam and I realised how radio they were more so than the we love music. Like they were real radio stars because we were standing there having a yarn to them.
And the whole, all the Ocean Alley crew, they just come off stage singing Confidence Baby or, you know, Baby Come Back. Like the absolute zenith of their career. And they're walking off the main stage and they're walking back.
So they're walking, they're beelining for Ben and Liam. And then Ben leans over to Liam and goes, who are these guys again?
The fact that you don't know who the number one on the triple J Hotter's 100 looks like just shows how good you are at radio because you're talking about him every day. Oh man. I love those guys.
And I think it's one of those things, I think it's funny that people, one of the things, oh, I mean, I remember I felt like I gave them the wrong intro to the whole world of triple J after, because they came along, they were about to take over us. I remember they came back to my place one night after our Christmas party. And it was just such a big night and it turned really, it was really messy. Me and KLP got into an argument about, you know, stupid stuff and there were tears. I remember Liam just sitting there going like, what have I gotten into? Like, this is the world that we're in and people are yelling in the room. Is that the night Gemma Pike busted a rib walking out as well?
But anyways, I always think it's funny because those guys did so well, especially by the end and they're such like, I really love those guys. Yeah. I've genuinely loved every single breakfast crew that have come after us and before us. And it's funny how it gets more and more difficult. I think Will Anderson, I remember, I think when we first started, told one of us that on a Friday, he'd listened to the last song of The Breakfast Show, driving out of the studios and going home because there's nothing else to do.
You don't need to post on socials. You don't need to film anything for Snapchat. You don't need to do this. You're not going down to, it is, people don't get it.
They had the phone number and that was it. And when they voted in the Hottest 100, you had to go down to your local Collins booksellers and type it in the phone at the shop so you could order it.
But now there's so many different ways to get in touch with people. You're giving so much of your time to all these different areas and it would be come so difficult to keep up with that, particularly when feedback is negative for no other reasons that you are different and people don't like it. One of the biggest mistakes I think people make, general public who are fans of Triple J, not realizing that you are friends with everyone.
Literally, all the hosts, everyone, and someone will be like, oh mate, you're so much better than so and so. You're like, they're my friend. You know that someone is going to say the same thing about you to the next person. You're like, they're my, we're all friends.
Is he a fuckwit? Is he a fuckwit to work with or what? Yeah, I remember thinking at one point, sort of realizing because Triple J Facebook can be one of the most toxic places around.
Who? Sorry, who? Kendrick Lamar. Who?
The comments can be crazy. And the weird thing is that all of these people have their idea of what Triple J should be. And they're writing these negative comments because they dislike it. Unbeknownst to them, it was one of the reasons I think that Triple J did have these bad feelings around it was because of these people who wanted it to be good, but their way of doing it was just writing every thought that came into their heads. You're the reasons Triple J is bad at the moment is because it's that dreadful vibe around it on the social media. It's some really not self-aware people. A lot of people who are feeling real, like don't know how they're feeling about turning 40. And Triple J is to blame for that.
No. Yeah.
Like if a bunch of 40-year-olds are coming up saying, yeah, I love this radio station. You'd like as a 20-year-old, you're like, well, I don't want to listen to that at all. 40-year-olds are really digging the tunes on this station. It's like, well, I'm not going to listen to that. So yeah, it is a sort of a bit of a badge of honour when the oldies are getting annoyed at you in that radio station.
Yeah. Like there was that tweet a couple of weeks ago. You know, it was like, man, were you upset when you aged out? It's like, fuck's sake. I mean, like I saw so many people bite back to that too. No, but they all just made it about themselves. You know, it's like, this isn't about Triple J. It's about me. And this is how I feel about turning 46. The social media team at Triple J went rogue. This is for the listeners. And they went rogue and they tweeted. It was a meme template that perhaps not everyone was across. But the tweet said, did it hurt when you got too old? When you aged out of the nations youth broadcast. Yeah.
Let's just say there are a lot of angry rockabilly's that day. It brought up a lot of conversation about women in music as well, which is a completely valid conversation to be having.
But it's interesting that that particular tweet then set off a side chain. And to suddenly, if you discount the tweet as a joke, meant somehow that you were also discounting this completely separate problem, which is a problem. You couldn't come in and say, guys, that tweet was just a joke and it was stupid.
Because then people were getting really offended about the side problem. Well, once people are outraged, you've got to throw nuance out the window. It's you just got to ride the storm.
No, but like all these people that were going on like, oh, you know, this is ageist. This is a big issue with ageism in general. But like, we as a nation have just spent half a trillion dollars, locking everything down for two years to protect people over 50 from a very powerful flu. I mean, so at the very least, they can cop a little bit of joke. Like for fuck's sake, I mean, we've spent so much fucking money, like like generation upon generation are going to be lumped with this debt, just because baby boomers wanted to have an extra 10 to 20 years. Do you know that everyone who responded negatively, like the old people who got angry at that, all of them literally said the same thing.
They're like, that's why I don't listen to this terrible station. Yeah, exactly. That's why I listen to Alan Jones.
Yeah, he says it's not my fault. We don't expect you to lose your fault, Graham.
Shut up. We don't fuck with you, man. We don't expect you to listen to the youth broadcaster. We don't expect you to, just as much as you don't expect a 20 year old to live in an aged care home.
It's like there's different courses for different horses and you're blowing a bit of smoke. So maybe you're not going to like this song by the kid, Leroy. I don't know. Yeah, there is so much nuance on those things because there's such a valid conversation where, you know, triple J could continue playing your Kanye's as a 40 year old man, but your Sarah Blasco's sort of move over to a double J kind of. Yeah, for sure. What's going on there. But there's also like a tweet like that is like, it's the history of triple J. Like when you play Express Yourself by Public Enemy, because they came in and banned F the Police. It's doing things that, you know, people don't like, and they're the things that you hold up. But there's also like, it's interesting working there because you do, when Merrick and Rosso, there's a button in the studio that says do not touch.
And they're like, I wonder if we touch this. And they did, the studio goes dark, except the mic was left on. And you can just hear them panicking. The producer comes in and is like, what the F was that? Like, what are you doing?
They're the things that you play, but then when you're working there, it's also, it's like, well, actually, you know, we can't do this. And there are rules around it. But then when you break them, they're the memorable times. It's, yeah, it's a really interesting.
Who did it? Who tweeted? Do you know who did it? Who did the tweet? I don't know who's running the Twitter at the moment.
I'm not sure if it's Angus, if we could get stuck into Angus or if he's left. Yeah, it must have been. It was Kingsmill.
Just the most ironic tweet of all time. He definitely read that article that Errol wrote about how he scraped the bong residue out of the June rats billy for stem cell research to remain young. The most offensive part of it was that you said that he was a rabbit-os fan.
Well, it's been a great yarn today, boys. We've actually got to get back in and start writing about this new NRL franchise. Yeah, you don't want to be, who's going to be putting up the articles when breaking news like this happens? You got to get straight on the gram. Can we workshop some titles now? What are you, what are you thinking, boys?
Anything about the return of the king, you know, that kind of, early this morning, we just said, we said that, you know, Peter Vlandis, the ARL commissioner, had to explain what Red Cliff was to New South Wales. So he said, he basically said it's Queensland's Cronulla, but less white. What about the, um, who's the coach of the Broncos at the moment?
Can we, um, can we get them, you know, in Japan at the Cove, trying to take out the, um, I saw Kevin last time I was in town at a, uh, fish and chip shop in on Park road. He was, he ordered the calamari and chips.
I'll tell you that much. Okay. That's some high roller shit. Kevin's pack. That's for sure. So that'll, that'll get him out to Dolphin Stadium, a big old six pack of the crumbed ring. Fuck. That sounds good.
Harpoon Harry. Oh, is it? Harry's, Harry's diner up there in Caxton.
Yeah. Thank you for joining us guys. I'm glad we, um, glad we got to have this yarn and hopefully see you around at the, uh, podcast awards. Oh yeah. We'll catch you there. We'll get you, uh, we'll get you on ours as well. Hey. All right. Beauty. Yeah. All right. Let's do it.
Go dolphins. Up, up. |
cracked | is_it_time_for_batman_to_tone_it_down | Has he arrived yet, commissioner? We've got a real mess on our hands. I'm not sure how much longer we can hold out. I say don't come and he'll come. Just tell him to do their best.
Where are you, Batman? Right here. How do you do that?
Is it a vent? Is there a big gaping vent up there? What's the emergency, Gordon?
An escape at Arkham? I've been dying to try out my new Bat Vision. Bat Vision?
What does it do? Nothing. Oh, wait. It does this. See, this is exactly why I called you. You're going too far, Batman. What?
Look, everyone in Gotham appreciates what you've done. When you're swooping in on these criminals with your robot car and your shark spray belt, frankly, it's terrifying. A little fear never hurt anyone. You know, not every criminal in Gotham has a freeze gun or half his face melted off.
Most of them are just down on their luck. You've apprehended 13 people over the past week for loitering, and 12 of them were hauled into the station with poop in their pants. Actual poop! Only 12? I must be losing my touch. The 13th was dead.
A fear! Are those fangs? You like them? They're haunted.
This is why I've got the ACLU on my ass for cruel and unusual punishment. There's nothing unusual about justice. There is when it's served up by a man wearing rubber nipples.
I don't know how much longer I can cover for you, Bruce. Bruce? I am Batman. Oh, come off it, Bruce. How many people in Gotham can afford a bat-shaped stealth jet that flies out of a holographic mountain?
It's not that long a lease. Commissioner, we could really use your help down here. We're out of a breeze, and Johnson just passed out from the funeral.
Sorry, Reflex. Well, I'm gonna go to the changing room. What? I'm begging you. Just tone it down. Some khakis, a polo shirt. Maybe a full-body tattoo, like a dragon or a giant gun or something. No! And less knives, like three knives tops. And not bat-shaped knives, like normal knives. Like this? Give me that. And as a favor to me, could you like yell something when you're swinging around? As a warning to let people know you're coming, okay? Thank you. Not that! You were right, it's a vent. I'm going to murder everyone that's one of you. Damn you, Batman! Those aren't muskets. |
SaturdayNightLive | democratic_candidate_party_snl | I just don't get it. Why him? there's nine of us running. Why does Reverend Al get to hang out with Jimmy Fallon? you know, why not a Howard Dean or a General Wesley Clark or a Joe Lieberman? we really didn't think they're gonna ask you, Joe. and why not, Howard?
I know quite a few humorous anecdotes. I've been told that I possess an impeccable sense of comedic timing. Why, around the Lieberman household, my Chris Tucker impression is legendary. do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? ha ha ha. What might my kids love it?
I don't know, I mean, I think the Reverend's doing a pretty good job. pretty good for a guy who's never held public office. kind of like you, General. I didn't serve in the public office because I was too busy serving in a country in uniform, not flying down some ski slope with a bunch of pot-smoking goldbrickers. Save it, rookie.
Hey, Edwards, Senator, we're running out of bugles here. Edwards, 10, whoo, maggot! Okay, and here's some peeling eats for Mr. Howard Dean. Oh, thank you. okay, and an extra helping of wheat thins for my favorite kosher candidate. and lurch of sclerosis. Oh, I'll get it, I'll get it. we'll get it, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, Hup. we gotta hide, turn out the lights. might be that goofball Kucinich. No, it's John Kerry and Dick Gippard. two of my eight favorite democrats.
Hi, all. sorry we're late, guys. Dick couldn't get his car started. sounds like his campaign. geez, hope that's not your a material, Joe, it stinks. let me grab your coat. thanks. thanks, John, it's awfully nice of you to have us over. Oh, well, I'm sure any one of you guys would return the favor. Now, can I get you anything to drink? Diet Coke. water's fine. All right, coming right up. if that guy kissed ass to any harder, he'd be drawing blood. Seriously, that's record time. we haven't even hit Iowa yet, and that guy's trying to brown-nose his way into a Vp nod. it almost makes you look dignified, Joe. Well, thank you, John. wait, that was a joke at my expense, wasn't it? Who wants raspberry mojitos? just bring out the picture, Edwards. you know, I just don't get it. Al Sharpton, I mean, why not me?
I'm the one with the most experience here. you're right, Dick. none of us have lost half as many elections as you. Eight-time loser.
Oh, come on, come on, that's not fair. Well, I'm afraid it is, Dick. I burned you, Man, I burned you. I know you burned me.
I'm afraid it is fair, Dick. you're like David Spade in a Hollywood comedy. it makes sense on paper, but the people just aren't going for it. you may be right. maybe I am a loser, Mr. Vice President. Oh, wait a second. you're not the Vice President. you lost that election. that's debatable. no, it's not. are we going to keep watching or what? Yeah, why not? Showtime at the Apollo is on in a half hour anyway. yeah, and if we get bored, we can try to rile up Dean, see if we can get him to punch another hole in the wall. Oh, who wants homemade caramel apple? just leave him on the table, John. |
dropout | collegehumor_s_worst_days_on_set | a Very tough moment for me on set was when we were shooting honest camping trip one of the one jay take two I just don't like Being in the woods. I don't understand why anyone likes the woods. I don't know what's good there There were big wasps flying all over the set at one point the wasp landed on traps hand And I like trap trap trap and he's like oh yeah, that's my B friend cuz he's a fucking psychopath nearest hospitals three hours away I'm normal for being afraid of bees. It's fine to be afraid of bees This is a regular fear that I have And that's how I would have set up the tents, but hey, we're three hours late because none of our cell phones have service Oh, that's all right.
I was just explaining how camping works. I would know I was a boy scout in fourth grade West great. I brought a rope and what I assume is that amf and flashlight radio I've never been camping before and I'm truly just guessing hey, that's all right.
I brought too much stuff. It's all brand new I hope no one notices well. I'm gonna go urinate in as private a spot I can find and hope I don't pee all over myself. There are no private spots Zach let me walk you through which plants are edible.
Oh, no, thanks. I don't eat dirty leaves. That's okay.
I'm going to anyway This is mostly for me I'm a pyromaniac I'm gonna get the fire going and that obsess over it all night fuck. I think I'm allergic to everything here I might die on this trip. Oh, Katie smells like urine. Let's all try to ignore that. I accidentally peed on my shoes I tried to wipe it off with leaves, but clearly that didn't work. Oh, you think you have problems I'm on day two of my period and I kind of haven't figured out how to deal with that shit out here I hope there's no bears.
Oh, we should cook dinner before it gets too dark out. You know at five o'clock good idea Cynthia We've got hot dogs without buns an unopenable can of refried beans and stuff to make s'mores I've got beer wine whiskey and vodka and I think the food's ready.
No one complained that it's ruined. Oh, I'm only eating this to be polite. I didn't bring any water. I'll just drink beer and have a massive hangover tomorrow. Oh Right, I forgot my tent is broken I'll have to fix that when I get home or you could just forget about it until the next time you go camping three years From now, that's a good plan.
Well, there's no way to clean these six. So hopefully nothing took a shit on them. Cool Oh No other campers. What if they're murderers? They're probably just assholes looking to party in the forest.
Oh Here's a fun idea Let's play that game that we all know from camp You mean the one we all learned slightly differently so we'll argue the whole time over the right way to play it Exactly. And if nobody else wants to play I'm gonna silk the entire rest of the trip. It sounds awful. I'm already drunk Fuck I'm the most over one here. So I'm gonna have to be responsible and the nearest hospital is three hours away Man it is way too early for us to be up the birds are surprisingly loud. I didn't sleep at all Let's all get the fuck out of here.
Yeah My worst day on set was also my messiest day on set when we filmed when you secretly love ranch dressing Our production designer had to manually blow air through a hose of watered-down ranch To make it fly out all over everybody And we did this before we realized that ranch dressing actually burns your skin And so what we did for our faces was like a mixture of yogurt and sunscreen So you can see in the video that it's like a slightly different hue The rest of our bodies are just burning So I'm like Clark if I go to Toronto, you'll be the first person to know Wings and would anybody like ranch with that? No, thanks. We're not goddamn hillbillies Do you love ranch but find it shameful then try new hidden Hidden Valley Ranch with hidden hidden Valley Ranch You'll always have some delicious creamy dressing right up your sleeve literally Everyone knows ranch is a poor man's unsophisticated sauce But that doesn't mean it's not delicious hidden hidden Valley Ranch is easy to use Just buckle in the backpack run the hose along your arm and pump the pedal to pressurize the hose and provide easy access to that beautiful creamy ranch Hidden hidden Valley Ranch. It's just too good Even if it does make me feel like a trash possum Zach.
I haven't seen you in forever. You get a bear hug Holy mother of shit Roughest day on set in the short amount of time that I've been here was on I swear I didn't wreck the bathroom The bathroom was the grossest thing I've ever seen it was nauseating to watch There was a puppeteer. Her name's Alexis wonderful professional puppeteer and then me leaning against the stall doing the kind of like And Alexis a constant professional had her head fully up under the bowl of This toilet and she has to syllable for syllable match every noise I was making I forced that woman to live under a toilet for a day Everyone's going to think you did it. Hi Alexis.
I'm so sorry I'm just gonna wash my hands You okay there Get up in there Gotta do more of the dirty business Need something weird? What the fuck? Just ruined this bathroom Everyone's going to think you did it I was just washing my hands and you're in here What the fuck are you? What does it matter what I am? All that matters is everyone is going to think you did this Goodbye Oh Oh God Zach, what did you do? No, it wasn't me.
It was just a goblin. Oh, oh, it was a goblin.
Come on. You're disgusting What did you eat like a milk and broccoli burrito? No, no God, what the fuck happened in here? Zach went insane and shit the worst kind of shit everywhere. I was just washing my hands I didn't even use the bathroom. I feel my eyes burning, but it wasn't me He says a goblin did it that the best you can do seriously fuck man. Oh God, it's not so rank in here that I had to come check it out. Yeah, Zach's ass exploded or something.
I don't know Oh, it's all over you there. We have it. You know undeniable proof.
No, it wasn't me. It was him Grant normally that would make perfect sense, but you're the only one in here Zach. It was you You're weak, oh my god guys, I just looked it up and Zach this actually makes you a sexual predator Right well crazy that that's the last we'll ever see of Zach and that this was his legacy I had a really tough moment on set with bar trivia ruins your night Sometimes when you're writing a sketch you hit a moment where you think this is what is Comedically the most fun thing to do or someone will explode or so I'll be in like a pool of cottage cheese or in some cases Zach will write a sketch like bar trivia ruins your night and then will have to be me Who gets covered in blood at the end of the sketch with those shots?
You will really only get one chance to get it right fake blood is all just like sugar and corn syrup the stickiest Sweetest grossest stuff in the world And then you can't really clean yourself up that well So you get into your car and track track syrup all over your car This looks like a fantastic meal Fuck these guys are always so aggressive. I really don't want to play. I hate trivia night Hey man, we're just gonna eat I think Sorry fuckers everyone's playing. It's trivia night Besides winner gets a free drink and I know we're all looking to get fucked up Let's get it All right, what animal has the longest gestation period Come on you fuckers. This one's easy. Could you stop calling us fuckers, please? There's already a table playing. Why do we have to play? Because if you don't like then they can't beat anyone Whatever I know I'm fucking funny Quick score check-in in the last place is team team Yeah Meet the shit out of you. You're an adult. We don't want to play everyone plays If you don't want to play then get out of here. We're like halfway through this meal. I hate this.
That's my move It's he time Hey It's part of my job to bring some personality, okay, sorry if you can't handle it. No, you're right I guess I guess I can understand that okay cool. Thanks. Hey by the way that free beer I'll give you one if you come to my stand-up show tomorrow It's at Giggle Sharts, and it's two drink minimum, so I was joking. I can't get you that free beer Too much My most challenging day on set would have to be when we shot disarming conversational landmines It was a pretty hot day, and it was super hot in that house I was in that bomb suit the whole time which is pretty heavy a little bit confining and also hot just on its own Got a little sweaty And this was the second sketch that we shot that day and then had to jump into this one Sorry, and this one took I want to say like around seven maybe seven hours just to shoot pretty Uncomfortable thanks again for inviting me to Thanksgiving.
Oh, yeah, of course nobody should be alone on Thanksgiving I'll introduce you to everybody. This is uncle Dante his wife on Tiffany Grandma and granddad great meeting all of you guys you've a lovely home rafts told me. What are you doing? There's gonna be a lot of landmines in these conversations, and I'm gonna defuse them so where's my favorite granddaughter She said her boyfriend's this Thanksgiving mom no child of mine will ever get away with that I know you're not saying that we're bad here. Is that what your mama trying to say you're trying to say that we've been here You see how your son turned out? How was Sunday mass grandma mass was wonderful?
Did anybody hear that beep we should all go as a family next week? Oh, we prefer not to support an organization that covers sexual abuse How about some football? You know I still have all the newspaper clippings of Dante when he played in high school isn't that sweet? There's that beep again, I Think I heard it that time.
Why is that boy kneeling during the national anthem? He's protest I don't care what the reason he should not be who testing this country's national.
He's not protesting the national anthem He is protesting inequality is this you do not desecrate the flag and the national anthem That's just a total lack of respect This is why we need to make America great again Trump Oh Oh, oh, no see Oprah Well, she certainly has my voice if that's what I'm talking about now you talk listen Oprah came to her wrong She saw the gold every everybody loves Oprah Everybody get back 75 meters I Have the suit save yourself There's too many locks do you understand I try is she a grandmother no no no no I never loved her a very tough day for a lot of people on the set was if hand turkeys were real I called it on the finger a very gross prop on set that people had to put into their mouths later Our production designer Rick sort of Frankenstein this Hand turkey bird thing and I told the cast that they could nibble on them, but they probably shouldn't you know really eat them And that to me is maybe the grossest thing that I walked away with It's Thanksgiving a time for family mountains of mashed potatoes and kids tracing out hand turkeys And no one knows hand turkeys like jemberly farms Jemberly farms hand turkeys are plump and succulent They're delicious whether you prefer finger meat the little leggy bits or the part that's both a thumb and a face Once you've had a real jemberly farms hand turkey. You'll never scrub the memory from your mind No matter how hard you try Because of jemberly farms all our hand turkeys live the way mother nature intended Briefly if at all and there's a turkey sized for any appetite Large medium or presidential got leftovers Jemberly farms hand turkeys make for great turkey burgers So this thanksgiving let us give you a hand with dinner we know you'll give it two thumb slash faces way up Jemberly farms hand turkeys what nightmare hath man wrought Smoked turkey legs ground beef pork chicken pork sausage chorizo chicken thighs whole chicken skin chicken bone spare ribs and onions for nails So hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor click here to subscribe click here for more fun things and send help to keep me from sinking please |
dropout | bleep_bloop_edu_tainment | I have played a lot of video games in my life, but the only time I was ever forced to play games was in school. Today we are playing the best edutainment titles of all time.
I'm Jeff Rubin, and I'm joined by Dan Klein, Pat Cassels, and N. Guy Kroll. Let's get started with the grandmammy of them all, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? So this is a huge crossroads. What are we going to call ourselves? This is a chance to express ourselves, boner.
We could be shit, since the detective or since the shit. What's catchier? Detective shit, or detective shit? shit. We'll call him shit.
Hosting bleep loop is pretty much the limit of my capabilities. I'm not going to be so good.
Frank's though. Frank's is uh, from Frank? Frank's? Frank?
Frank is in the Franco Austrian Empire. She must be in the Franco Austrian Empire!
To the jet! Another game should be like a crosshair over there when you get to like take them down. Alright, I was actually waiting for that moment. There's no weapons in this game. Your weapons are mine. You tell him that you know what he did and then he feels bad about it. That's the end. When I bought this game, it said like, use your intelligence to catch criminals. I thought intelligence was to put a high-powered rifle. I got an intelligence rifle!
Anyway, she converted her money to rupees, which tells me she's going to Hyrule. I think we got to go back to Kigali. I think so too. We just wasted a lot of money on airfare. Ah, listen Sargent, you're going to hate me, okay? So I flew to New Delhi and Moscow and Tokyo.
Turns out, I don't know, listen, call me back. What kind of bellhives are these like, you're not going to fucking believe what I heard? This guest had a Kurdish dictionary in his pocket.
The inherent goal when you're playing these games as a kid is to figure out a way to have fun with the game, while also not learning anything. I conquered Carmen San Diego. Time to move on to the granddaddy of them all, Oregon Trail. I always liked playing the bad guy when I played games.
Bankers are the villains of our time. That's true. Perhaps bankers were also the villains then.
Now we are ready to hit the trail. We've made the most important decision. Stamos has requested me by nine tons of moose, not the animal. Wow. How'd that happen so fast?
You're going to die, man. The thing about this game is you can learn a fact at any point. Like they're always giving you some information. But the hunting is completely without educational merit.
How does like caulking a wagon and turning it into a raft work? It's like Transformers. It just kind of goes... This is the only advantage wagons have over cars. You can't turn a car into a raft. Yeah.
Please, if I get wet, I can't... I can't catch a cold.
No! Pat! Drowned. I like how you lost me.
We have two sets of clothing. Me and Stamos are trading off clothes while you guys are shaking on... I need Stamos. I need your leather jacket and jeans.
Chimney rock. I wish I could see this, guys. Think about me as you're looking at it. Oh my God. I think we're learning something.
Quick. Go!
For this like straight burn you got, I can't believe you guys have been like so healthy since like a collar. I'm feeling good. I've been eating a lot of bison. It's lean.
And it's over. It might be over. We won the game. I think I might have pressed the button that flipped the disc over. We all get sucked into the game.
No! It's automatic. So what have we learned today? Theoretically, it should be more than usual. Yeah, you'd think it would be, but... |
cracked | drunken_hooligans_answer_all_of_life_s_questions_cracked_improv_1_of_4 | Really fine work, honestly, but when I asked you to label the cigarettes that I laced with ecstasy I didn't expect you to print a whole fucking thing up. Yeah, that's amazing I mean, I just wanted to differentiate them from the PCP laced cigarettes. Yeah, well this way you can always find it You're like, oh, we're my answer cigarettes Right, right, but if like a police officer is here, let me ask you a question Like how do you get over shyness if you shy about something when you do like some confident in a lot of places I got I got my skills that I know It's sort of a you know, a man-by-man thing.
Here's the thing. I've got a lot going for me You know, I'm I've got this going on right. I'm the chosen one of the wizard tribe. That probably goes a long way I bet we're right.
Well, you're more of a lackey. Sure. No offense. No, no, no, you're stationed That's what I like is like, I'm you're lacking you my lackey and we and we do each other's lackey We do that for each other. You think that's them? Mm-hmm. Yeah Well, let me say this I'm not big into hierarchy, but are you familiar with? The Native American totem pole, you know that I am NOT Okay Let me just I want to just stack a series of things and say you're the bottom one. Okay, chill chill Well, then here's my next question though.
Mm-hmm You got this and you're confident for it between you and me. I got a beautiful voice a beautiful voice I never show it to anyone between you and me is it this this voice cuz no if you have a beautiful voice Why didn't you fucking choose that way? We're picking undercover. I'm not gonna sing like my day It's like a musical voice. Did you see what I'm saying? We were both fucking British. Yeah, and we could pick anything we wanted This is good. You think that maybe I I picked this grating voice because of the shyness Constantly my brain like what a beautiful voice, but no one should know cuz you're shy Cuz you're so shy possibly if I believed that your brain could have a subconscious You know what I mean, but it's sort of a one-piece thing your brain chill right simpler than streamline. Yes Ditch oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm like seven deep. All right. Yeah sing for you real quick.
So long Oh, yeah, Oh Tenon bone I'm not your savior. All the wizards are probably slaves now debtors Your savior Not your savior All day all day if I don't get my magic back, I don't know what I'll do have some beer Pretty sure they think I'm some kind of We |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_black_ariel_on_disney_s_live_action_the_little_mermaid_remake_snl | Disney, Great transition, Disney recently made history after announcing the live action remake of The Little Mermaid featuring a Black Ariel. here to comment is: Black Ariel. you can just call me Ariel, Yeah, I don't call you White Colin to your face. that's my bad. So Ariel, some people online are now calling you a hero and a role model. role model to who? black girls who want to be a fish? I gotta be honest, Colin, it's a lot of pressure. people are all like, oh Ariel, you're perfect, you're the hero we need, bitch, I am normal.
Yeah, I guess heroes a lot to live up to, Yeah. it is. I did not ask for any of this. my mom got drunk and had sex with a tuna and now I'm here. yo, haha, woah, y'all gotta chill with the hero talk. right, so I guess you're not perfect, right? Seriously, worse than that, I'm kind of bad, yeah. I grew up rich, like Bezos rich. my dad was the king of the sea, we had money, money. I used to ride around on little seahorses for fun. what's wrong with that? down there, those are just poor people. Wow, yeah, well that's not great, No.
I'm dumb too. Colin, like yeah, sad, like stupid, stupid. my brains have fish, I'm dead ass by the worm on a hook, gets me every damn time. me too sometimes.
Ariel, why are you telling us all of this? Because I'm just trying to get ahead of stuff. for example, I hate the ocean, I'm pro sea world, I've met Shamu, and let me put it like this, I'm glad his ass is locked up. Wow, okay, well I'm sure there's some other. Also, I supported the war in Iraq, got nothing to do with being in the sea, just wanted revenge for 9-11. Oh, come on, I'm sure some of you get two-stop play. Okay, I don't know why you're telling us all of this, but I understand there's a lot of pressure being the hero.
Also, did the oil spill. I'm sorry, what? Did the Bp oil spill. I ran up on that pipeline drunk as hell one night and did a little damage, yet to this day, Flounder still won't talk to me. I'm so sorry, Well Ariel, that was really bad for the environment. Oh, come on, who cares? sea levels are rising, salmon are dying, good, salmon are racist, have you ever talked to one?
No, I have not. of course not, because you're not willing to do the work.
Ariel, I thought you were just going to come out here and sing a little song. don't you have a little Jamaican crab that you sing with? Listen, Colin, I got a lot of crabs, but they don't sing. they are Jamaican though. Jamaican my nuts, itch.
Ariel, Black Ariel, Everyone. just call me Ariel. comment is black Ariel. you can just call me Ariel. Yeah, I don't call you white Colin to your face. that's my bad. So Ariel, some people online are now calling you a hero and a role model. role model to who? black girls who want to be a fish? I got to be honest, Colin, it's a lot of pressure. people are all like, oh Ariel, you're perfect. you're the hero we need. Bitch, I am normal. Yeah, I guess heroes a lot to live up to. Yeah, it is. I did not ask for any of this. my mom got drunk and had sex with a tuna and now I'm here. yo, haha, woah, you got to chill with the hero talk. right, so I guess you're not perfect, right?
Honestly, worse than that. I'm kind of bad.
Yeah, I grew up rich, like Bezos rich. my dad was the king of the sea. we had money, money. I used to ride around on little seahorses for fun. what's wrong with that? down there, those are just poor people. Wow, yeah, well that's not great, no. I'm dumb too, Colin. like, yeah, sad. like, stupid, stupid. my brains have fish. I'm dead ass, bite a worm on a hook. gets me every damn time. me too sometimes. Ariel, why are you telling us all of this? Because I'm just trying to get ahead of stuff. for example, I hate the ocean. I'm pro sea world.
I've met Shamu. And let me put it like this. I'm glad his ass is locked up. Wow, okay. well, I'm sure there's some other.
Also, I supported the war in Iraq. I've got nothing to do with being in the sea. just wanted revenge for 9-11.
Oh, come on, I'm sure some of you get too stuck playing. it's okay. I don't know why you're telling us all of this, but I understand there's a lot of pressure being the hero.
Also, did the oil spill. I'm sorry, what? did the Bp oil spill. I ran up on that pipeline drunk as hell one night and did a little damage.
Yeah, to this day, Flounder still won't talk to me.
I'm so sorry. that was really bad for the environment. Oh, come on, who cares? sea levels are rising. salmon are dying. Good. salmon are racist. have you ever talked to one?
No, I have not. of course not, because you're not willing to do the work.
Ariel, I thought you were just going to come out here and sing a little song. don't you have a little Jamaican crab that you sing with? Listen, Colin, I got a lot of crabs, but they don't sing. they are Jamaican, though. Jamaican my nuts, itch. Ariel, Black Ariel, everyone. just call me Ariel. |
SaturdayNightLive | anton_jackson_s_testimony_saturday_night_live | Hello, I'm Terry Moran. welcome to Court Tv's continuing coverage of the Oj Simpson trial. Today, the defense cross-examined Skycap James Williams, who claims to have seen Simpson's missing mystery bag on top of a trash can at the Los Angeles Airport. let's take a look. Now, Mr. Williams, you never actually saw Mr. Simpson place his bag on top of this garbage can. No. then you don't really know it was Mr. Simpson's bag you saw on this can. Who is it? hey, this ain't the airport. what's happening, Jimmy? how you doing, man? do you know this man? yeah, his name's Anton Jackson. he lives in that airport trash can. the prosecution would like to call Mr. Jackson to the witness stand. Objection. Your honor, he may be able to tell us what happened to Mr. Simpson's bag and its contents.
Oh, so that's who the jury is. What's up, y'all? All right, I'm going to allow Mr. Jackson to testify, Bailiff. I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I don't. could you state your name for the court, please? my name is Anton Frederique Jackson. Oh, as French as you could see. And what do you do for a living, Mr. Jackson? Well, I'm an entertainer, excuse me, extraordinaire.
And what is your place of residence? Well, I have several. I got a box downtown. I got a box uptown. but for tax purposes, I reside at the La airport.
Mr. Jackson, did you see the defendant in the airport on June 12th? the who? that man over there, Mr. Oj Simpson. Hey, Oj Simpson, man, I didn't recognize you without the ski mask. No, I'm just kidding. See, we got something in common, man. I used to date Denise Brown. but I let her go because she drank more than I did. Mr. Jackson, please. are you wearing the clothes the defendant dumped in your garbage can?
You know, son, you a very sexy young lady. you got any black in you? No. you want some? erection, your honor, Erection. No, look. first of all, Mr. Jackson, you mean objection. No, I was looking at her ass. it's an erection, all right. please, sit down. sit down.
Mr. Jackson, what are those stains on your clothing? Oh, these one. last night, I went to see a 25-cent movie. Oh, God. no, it was a good one. the blood stains, Mr. Jackson. Oh, the blood stains. you ever get one of them boogers that be way up back here and you trying to reach it and it make your nose bleed?
See, I got one right now. I like to submit Exhibit B, your honor. Mr. Jackson, never mind. never mind, Mr. Jackson. please, just tell the court what's inside your jacket. Oh, well, this is sort of an invention of mine. it's, uh, it's my portable porta potty.
And Mr. Jackson, put that away. Put, put that away.
Ms. Clark. I have no further questions, your honor. you're a witness, Mr. Cackern. Mr. Jackson, sir. what's up, smooth brother, Johnny Cock?
Anton, I'll be straightforward. are you an alcoholic? My an alcoholic? Well, I'll be straightforward. every now and again, I like to have a little sip, like now. and again.
I see. And weren't you arrested for possession of crack cocaine on February 10th of this year? Oh, that was a setup, sir. that was prescription crack that I had. See, they tried to set me up. That's right. See, let me tell you something.
I don't like the hypocrisy of all these questions. See, nicotine is a drunk. that's right, caffeine is a drunk. the only difference is you can't get nobody spank the monkey for a cup of coffee. this is obviously some sort of attempt to assassinate my character. your honor, this witness is useless. I move he be dismissed in his testimony to be stricken from the record. Agreed. Mr. Jackson, please, step down. step down. Not until America sees my act. what I'm going to do right now is juggle not one, not two, but three latrines. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. no, you're going to like this.
I very rarely miss. Ok, I present the amazing Anton.
My bad, my bad. hey, look, let me try that again. I think, let me give me five minutes. I'm going to fill this up, and I'll be back in trying.
An eventful day in the Simpson case. court was dismissed until 10 o'clock tomorrow when the prosecution's star Dna witness will take the stand. beloved children's entertainer, Homie the Clown, See you then. we'll talk more in the next video. Bye. bye. bye. bye-bye. bye-bye. bye. bye-bye. |
dropout | queen_ship | I'm just a jailbird, guilty of love Sentenced to life, dear, ruled from above A jailbird of love Take pity on me Cause only your love Can set me free A jailbird of love Take pity on me Cause without your love Who would I be Thank you, thank you very much So, when I was a child... Aloha shipmates, we are going down to the Dauphin Room, where the lunch buffet is now open So, welcome to my room Um, we have a ship prom, I won Homecoming Queen a couple years back with my ex Um, so here's my pictures, can you see? Can you see these pictures? Some of the places I've been...
Greece, Mexico, it's pretty cool Um, Paris, Jardin Paris I've actually never been to Paris, but that's more of a vision board thing This is a windowless room, so I made myself a little window And inside it I put what I might want to see out the window, it's Broadway So, with six performances a day, you really don't have a lot of time to do your exercises in I have to do vocal and cardio at the same time She can ask me questions So, have you always wanted to be a performer? Uh, my whole life, yeah But I got very lucky, this was the first audition I booked out of theatre school Wow, it's crazy Yeah, I still remember I still remember the auditions, they were fierce, I was petrified But after a few rounds of callbacks Here you are Here I am Year one, you know, I had four roommates, then two roommates This is year six I got, this room So you're still in a bunk bed, but you got the whole room to yourself, which is huge Okay, so this is the community board Um, one's room assignments, this floor is about half crew, half performers How do you handle the mundanity of life on a cruise ship? Oh, um, well Uh, I'm, I mean, it's not mundane to me, I feel like it's, each crowd is different, you know I'm a performer, and every show is different, and it's like, it's the community, it's the people you're with It is a little mundane That was me, oh, hi, so sorry, are you the lounge singer? Yeah, I am Would you mind, uh Uh, no, not at all Thank you so much Let's do it Oh, uh, sorry, could we describe, just the two of us, we're married, and just Oh, yeah, sure I mean, if you had told me I'd be still singing the lounge after seven years, I would have just cried, probably So, the way you do that is you start in the lounge And then you get graduated to the main stage up on the deck Someone sees you, they tell a friend, maybe someone in the record industry Poof You're off the ship Don't get me wrong, I like the lounge It's small, you're engaged with the audience And, I mean, it's tucked away, even hard to find So, if you get an audience there, they're there to see you So, you wouldn't want to move up to the main stage if you were given the chance? Oh, I would Sorry, yeah, I would, I would, I would Have you heard anything? This was given to me by a fan My mother She came on the ship My third year, she finally made it on the ship She got to see my show, that was a big moment Do you love it? And, yeah, yeah, I don't think she kind of got it, you know But she, she loved it, I know So, sometimes on a Friday night, I'll ask one of my friends Who, it works on the crew, if there's a diamond class cabin remote And they'll let me go in there and hang out, so You want to check it out?
Yeah Okay, grab your martini Have you ever had a frog in your pocket, took it to the mayor's office Cause you're looking to demand a raise Have you ever had a chess game with a jar of pickles that have lasted for fifteen days Ever driven in a lake cause you're really gonna take an important call from your shoe Well, maybe, just maybe, you might be as crazy As I am in love with you Yeehaw! Thank you I know her This is so crazy So this is my friend Stephanie, we went to the same high school together I had no idea she was going to be on this ship I'm telling you, she was just as talented and beautiful then Yeah Oh, we were talking homecoming queen Field hockey captain Go Badgers Go Badgers And all the boys were obsessed with her When did you lose your virginity? Fifteen? That's not important Wait, fourteen? Fourteen Yeah Everyone just knew you were destined for the big time Aww I can hear you are Okay, honey?
Yeah We gotta go get seats for the main stage Okay But it's so lovely seeing you Aww Everyone back home is so proud Have fun I will Let's go That was so nice Ahh Attention passengers, we are taking on water So grab your swimsuits and head on up to the pool deck Because typhoon slides are now open So, where are you going to go? I don't know Gonna put in my last couple weeks here and call it quits Maybe I'll just go like I'll go home See my mom And I'll be off this boat Wait I was about to get my two weeks notice And I get a knock on the door And housekeeping handed me this letter I'll probably get it framed Hey, Mom I got news Oh, that's terrible I'm a ship Yeah No, I'm sad You know, I'm so sad I can't make your wedding But I don't know How long do you see yourself on this ship? You know, at the end of the day, I'm an entertainer It's all I know My life isn't perfect But I can't imagine myself doing anything else It gets sad and lonely and scary and smelly and awful But it's my journey Sentenced to life, dear Ruled from above My days go by slowly |
SaturdayNightLive | update_tracy_morgan_saturday_night_live | This week, the issue of race once again became the focal point for the Democratic presidential candidates. Hillary Clinton's longtime advisor, Geraldine Ferraro said if Barack Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. and if he was a woman, he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. Here to comment: An old friend of ours, Tracy Morgan. Why is it that every time a black man in this country gets too good at something? there's always someone to come around and remind us that he's black. First Tiger, then Donovan Mcnabb, then me, now Barack. I got a theory about that.
It's a little complicated, but basically goes like this: We are a racist country. The End: Maybe not the people in this room, but we're not a racist country.
How did Hillary convince everybody in Texas and Ohio that Barack didn't know how to answer the phone at 3 in the morning? Let me tell you something. Barack knows how to answer that phone. he's not gonna answer it like hello. I'm scared. What's going on? he's gonna answer like I would get a phone call at 3 in the morning. Yeah, who's this? it's better be good. I'm coming down there and put somebody in the wheelchair.
Some things just never change stuff. I people are saying he's not a fighter. let me tell you something. he's a gangster. he's from Chicago. Barack is not just winning because he's a black man. If that was the case, I would be winning. And I'm way blacker than him. I used to smoke new points and drink oh English. I grew up on government cheese. I prefer it. Now there's all this stuff and all this talk about the pastor Barack got to stay away from the pastor cuz he's too black.
But just because he knows a dude doesn't think doesn't mean that he's going to think like him. You know? Look, I have a friend that goes to strip clubs. that doesn't mean that I'm gonna go to the strip club. But you do go to school. Yeah, but I go for the girls. not because my friend is gone.
I have integrity, but Rock is qualified. personally. I want to know what qualifies Hillary Clinton to be the next President. Is it because she was married to the President? If that were the case, then Robin Givens be the heavyweight champion of the world. If Hillary's last name wasn't Clinton, she'd be some crazy white lady with too much money and not enough loving.
That's where I come in and I know women like that. You do not want them on the phone at 3 in the morning.
And in conclusion, three weeks ago my girl Tina Fey. She came on the show and she declared that Bitch is the new Black and you know, I love you Tina. You know, you're my girl, you know, But I have something to say. Bitch may be the new black, but Black is the new President Bitch. |
dropout | grant_vs_the_computer | I'm not a designer, but I can market the hell out of that. My volume. Better, wetter, water. Not water, though. Milk. I keep working on the tag.
What if you gave a cow water to drink? A cow sucked its own udders. You know, sucking on the udders. Oh, I'd be a flexible cow. Maybe we would remove a wheel like Marilyn Manson?
Was that true? I bet that was true. That had to be true.
Oh, screen play idea. A documentary about 90's rock bands called Bowling for Bowling for Soup. Reminder. Pick up this caused problems lesson. Come on! Get in there!
No, no. No, no. No, no. No. No. No no. No no. No. No.
Get in there! The cream that treats warps. If you eat the cream, that's made from warps.
Thought. One of Katie's toned down the load of shit. I don't care that she's sick. I don't know. I get that it's a brand and she shouldn't say anything. It's a funny word to me. No, no, don't. All right. Jesus.
Please, please. Please.
Now paired with grand laptops. No. Sketch idea. Everyone's familiar with comedian and roast master Jeffrey Ross, the Roast Master General. But what if the Roast Master had to sell a grill master? It might sound a little something like this.
No!
Hey, it's Mike Trapp. You know, if you want to talk to the cast and crew here, You can at the exclusive Dropout Discord. It's a great place for behind-the-scenes content. And if you like behind-the-scenes, check this out. |
cracked | why_this_is_the_worst_presidential_election_in_u_s_history_cracked_responds | politics is happening and we're here to talk about Donald Trump on Twitter and everything else Donald Trump's Twitter account is ruining the discourse it's it he started it but everybody else is following him you know like it's like when you got in fights you were like he started it he started it but everyone else is following him too and it's the worst surrogate of Donald Trump tweeted a meme saying that Hillary Clinton murdered an ambassador like personally right which I think the Benghazi investigation over the past several centuries has shown that that's probably not true it's clear that that's still going to be a talking point for Donald Trump's campaign and the way they let us know this is with a meme announcing that she's a murderer so the problem is not even necessarily the Benghazi meme it's that we saw this meme and we're like oh what a normal political story yeah this is the new standard of campaigning now is who can get the sickest burn on social media every message of his campaign has been delivered in 140 characters or less I don't know if you see on Twitter but Hillary Clinton tweeted Donald Trump delete your account which is a thing I've seen used and you know that's fine but it's a little less presidential than it could be but then Elizabeth Warren stayed way above the fray with nope also delete your account and it's like not double dough super constructive but it's also the tweet I know the most about from either of them yeah it's it's scary like even I feel like I'm swept up in this yeah which is a bummer because before that whatever strategists she had managing her social media presence they would take like a tweet of Trump's and be like well no this is not true here's reasons a and b why this is this is just lies but nobody cared about that I feel like the adults and children of the corn like like we've walked into this area we're like we're all the grown-ups you would not have expected George W Bush and John Kerry to be throwing back Twitter burns at each other one other way Trump is changing the discourses every politician has a Twitter account that is reasonably representative of what they think and what they would say just managed by staff Donald Trump doesn't have any of that so consequently we just have immediately just a direct pipeline to his brain meat when his message maybe doesn't come across the way he wants it to he doesn't have anybody he can pass the buck on to which is insane because it just invokes the other side of Donald Trump his ego will not allow him to admit he has made a mistake essentially his hack is saying things that you weren't allowed to say because you shouldn't say them and then getting free media coverage by doing it and then also attracting the people who are like finally someone saying the worst things the bottom of my brain yeah that's we have like a whole constituent of people who I naively thought didn't really exist anymore who are just like wait it's okay to be racist again Trump recently was opposed to a judge of Mexican heritage from Indiana handling the case about Trump University Jake Tapper was interviewing him and said well like what you're saying about that is the definition of racism right like Jake Tapper doing that was a story yeah because it doesn't happen anymore the new story becomes when somebody actually points that out to him so now that the discourse has fallen apart Donald Trump's led the way others have followed where do you predict the discourse can go from here I think we're gonna see the shift from campaigning to focus less on grassroots stuff like less on going around the country and making appearances and less on spending on television ads and just focusing entirely on social media I buy that and also as you were saying that I was thinking like well there has to be some real-life tactile thing he was doing for his campaign and it's hats Twitter and hats 2020 2020 the year not like right yeah or the TV show hey everyone thanks for watching a video please go down to the comments and like and subscribe and let us know what meme star you would vote for for president because apparently that's all it takes now to run also let us know what to do |
TheOnion | The_Desert_Where_Life_Goes_To_Die_Horrifying_Planet_Ep_9 | The desert, dry, hot, unforgiving. For millennia creatures have made the pilgrimage out to the desert to wither under the melting sun, collapse onto the hot sand, and die. Since the dawn of time, animals have flocked to the desert to expire in a landscape of misery and desolation. It is truly Earth's hospice. With weather conditions in the Sahara among the most brutal in the world, the desert is a place suitable only for collapsing, dying, and rotting. The biodiversity here is astounding. Hundreds, perhaps even thousands of species have been known to wander into the desert to be withered by the oppressive heat or choked by dust storms. Naturalists flock from around the world to observe the constant death of the desert before dying themselves.
Nothing to see here, but we can be sure nearby in this awful place something is dying. Starvation is just one of the many possible outcomes for the gazelle or desert elk. It could also suffocate in a sandstorm, collapse of dehydration, or be run over by a dune buggy. Only the vulture has the wherewithal to survive in this nirvana of death. They feed on the dead of the Sahara. Uniquely adapted to the rigors of desert life, the vulture usually dies of heart disease after becoming overweight from the feast of carcasses.
The landscape of the desert is dominated by towering sand dunes made from millions of years of ground-up bones. Another day ends in the Sahara, Earth's largest, most uncomfortable tool.
Six sexy Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This is Sex House. Welcome to Sex House! |
dropout | wizards_give_bad_directions_ch_shorts | This sucks. I'm bored.
And we ornate all good snacks. 2,999,000...
Ugh, you know what I wish? I wish we could go on an adventure. Did somebody say... ADVENTURE! Woah!
Gather round, gather round, young apprentices. Are you ready to begin your quest? Ready as will ever be. You leave at dawn's first light. Look to east.
Then you will find the Raven Rock. Here you will see... I'm sorry, what does this rock look like? I think it's pretty self-explanatory. It's called Raven Rock. No, but is it a rock with ravens on it? Is it a rock that's shaped like a raven? Is it just like a black rock?
You'll know it when you see it. Alright? You'll see it and you'll go like... That's Raven Rock for sure. Just don't get confused with Crow Rock and you'll be fine. Uh... You'll be fine!
Follow the sun for three days. Then you will find a white tree with seven fruits. Uh, wait, just... I'm sorry, we're just gonna follow the direction of the sun for three days?
Like walking a curve? Yes. So how fast are we supposed to walk? A normal pace!
Wait, now? Just now, why not now? What?
It's winter, why would there be fruit growing? Young man, last time I was there, I distinctly remember seven fruits and I assume they're still there.
And how long ago was that exactly? Three hundred years hence! Three hundred years in the future was the last time you were there.
Yes. From there you will jump over a four hundred foot ravine! How? Perhaps if you're not ready to take this leap of faith, then you're not ready for the burden of adventure! Why do you keep winking? Hmm? Is that a clue? Maybe. Can't you just tell us? I could. But where'd be the fun in that?
From there you will turn right at Curry Road! Great, yes, finally a real direction. Yes, but not to be confused with Curry Street, Curry Lane, Curry Boulevard, Curry Avenue, North Curry Road, West Curry Road, or North West Curry Road! All those will lead to certain death and they all meet at the same intersection that's very poorly marked. But after that it should be very easy to find the hidden temple.
Great, do you have a map or something we can look at? Yes, I do. This is just three trees and a picture of a dragon. You're welcome. No, no, no. Okay, where are we on this map? This dragon is really thin. Do you want to go on an adventure or not? No, we do, yeah. I mean, sure, I just kind of want more concrete info.
Good, great! It sounds like you've got everything you need then. Now off you go, come right this way, adventure awaits! Through the door, adventure! This is so cool. Whoo! Adventure!
I don't know, I got a bad feeling about this. Oh, I should have told him about the dragon.
Ooh, snacks! Danger bars! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_105_Dr_Dan_Suan | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well, welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show, week three in isolation, according from our respective budgie smuggler bedrooms. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, and of course, Errol Parker, editor at large.
And this week, we're going back into this topic that you may have seen in the news cycle, which is the global pandemic of COVID-19. A couple of weeks ago, we were joined by Dr. Norman Swan, Daddy Swan, as some people know him as. And we kind of talked about the early stages of policy and measures to prevent the spread of COVID-19. This week, we are talking to Dr. Dan Swan, who's a researcher at the Garvin Institute and is a immunologist. You may have seen him on ABC News in recent weeks on the 730 Report. Dan's here to talk to us about what the next few months are going to look like and how Australia is looking in general.
Thank you for joining us, Dan. How are you? Yeah, really good. Thank you. Nice to be with you.
Now, how would you best describe what an immunologist is to the everyday punter? Yeah, so it's an interesting specialty because it doesn't exist in many countries around the world. It was really the foresight of a couple of pioneers in the field here in Australia, Ron Penny and Tony Batson, who took the view that the immune system is the root cause of a lot of medical problems, things like autoimmune diseases, really common things like allergies. And so a lot of the specialties in Australia are based on an organ, like you might be a heart specialist or a brain specialist. But all the way back then, 60 years ago, you couldn't really see the immune system. It's kind of like this nebulous thing that floats around in your blood, does a whole lot of different things. And so they foresaw that the immune system was something that needed to be its own specialty so that you could study sort of underlying disease-causing processes in one field.
So they put a field together and yeah, so my job, I've got a few different jobs. I've got three different jobs.
So I do patients with different immune disorders, different types of immunological problems. I work in the laboratory where we do people's tests, do people's immune tests. And then I do research into the genetics of immune diseases too.
Now, can you tell us a little bit about how you would, for one, how you found yourself in this particular job? It sounds like something you don't aspire to as a 10-year-old, you know, when everyone else is talking about astronauts and fire engines. Was there a path you kind of became aware of in your study and went down?
Yeah, so we're really lucky in Australia that most of our large teaching hospitals have an immunology unit. And so when you're sort of a junior doctor rotating through different terms, people sort of want to try a little bit of everything, try before you buy. So you did a bit of emergency medicine, a bit of psychiatry, a bit of surgery. And I was lucky enough to do a couple of immunology terms. So yeah, just got to see how interesting the field was.
We have a really great array of different types of diseases that we look after. They tend to be really weird and rare diseases.
But yeah, that's what sort of sparked my interest when I was a youngster. And like I said, you know, we have a great tradition here in Australia of people in immunology. And so that's how I got into that.
As an immunologist, how have the past couple of months been for you? Like have they been off the charts busy or is this really what you've been training for really? So it's mainly been my colleagues, my amazing colleagues in microbiology, the people who study viruses, that they've obviously had to totally step up. For example, you know, to make a test for this new virus.
People worked round the clock. People have no idea how much work went in January and February to make a test as quickly as possible to be available here in Australia.
And then the epidemiologists and the public health units. So when there's a start of a pandemic like this, this is a really viral problem.
And so they're the ones that really need to step up and they're the ones that really did all the work that got Australia to the point where, you know, our curve was really behind those other countries, America and Europe. We did such a great job or they did such a great job of protecting our borders from viral cases coming into the country. And that's the reason why we're in the position we're in now because of their great work in January and February.
I've had much less to do with it from that point of view. You know, I've been part of the hospital's preparations, obviously, so it's a little bit different. Now, you've gone viral with a couple of posts online talking about the pandemic, the outbreak in Australia specifically. And in fact, you were one of the first kind of encounters I had with the term flatten the curve. How would you say Australia has done and is doing from when you first kind of popped your head up? I mean, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but you came across as a little bit alarmed about a month ago.
Yeah, that's true. So to answer your basic question, I think Australia has done a remarkable job. We've seen all of the measures put in by the government, closing the borders, things like that.
But really, that second phase was the community's response to the problem. And it's the community that has to understand what the problem is, which is a very contagious virus and what to do about it.
And then be prepared to go into their homes and stay there and adopt some very unusual practices. Not touching each other, washing your hands, those things are very unusual for our day-to-day lives.
So the curve is very, very flat. We've seen the number of cases fall, fall, fall. It's now hit a plateau again. So we're seeing about the same number of cases, new cases every day.
And so we've done an incredible job to prevent that first surge that everybody was concerned about. When we talk about the risk that we could have an outbreak that looked like Spain or Italy here, it's chicken and egg stuff, because if you don't do anything, if we just continue to live life exactly the way we did everything in our everyday lives, then it's possible that this virus could have caused an outbreak that looks like Italy and Spain as possible. But it's only through people's actions, everybody, the community in particular, that we've managed to prevent that.
So our curve is very flat. So that's brought us an incredible amount of time to prepare the hospital system for when there is an increase in cases. And so, yeah, I think the country has done incredibly well. With the flattened curve, the expectation, I guess, is that there will be a spike again. So, yeah. So a completely flat curve would be zero cases, new cases per day, right? So that really means that you've got it completely right.
So that's not what's going on. So there is still very low levels of community transmission going on in the community. So that's why we're seeing new cases every day. And that is the thing that concerns everybody. And I guess the way to put it is that you still see the government planning to increase the number of intensive care beds. So if everything was perfectly fine, they wouldn't be doing that, right? So what that tells you is that there's still going to be an increase in cases to the point that the hospitals will need to be treating a lot of COVID-19 patients. But the whole point of our action six weeks ago or four weeks ago is that it lowers the height of the surge and it delays it, pushes it back in time to give the hospital system time and space to prepare and cope.
Have you seen anything quite this contagious in your work before? So that's a really interesting question.
When I was a medical student, measles was a disease of textbooks. We didn't see any cases clinically because we had such great vaccination rates. And so as a medical student, I just thought that this was one of those diseases that had been consigned to history. And so it wasn't until 2008, about maybe 10, 12 years ago, that I saw my first case of measles. And what people don't realize is that measles is way more contagious than COVID-19 than SARS-CoV-2. So it just goes to show you that if you drop vaccination rates, and we've had a big surge in the anti-vaccine movement in the last 10 to 15 years, which is one thing that immunologists definitely battle against, if you drop the vaccine.
That's your enemy. That is your number one enemy. Exactly.
Well, they're not our enemy. We're people with a view, and we need to continue to talk to them respectfully and earn back their trust, right? It's actually very important that we don't belittle people too much, because then we just prick them away.
So now people see measles in the emergency department. Sick children, horrendous rash, fever, and all the complications of measles. We've had people die of measles. Measles is a deadly disease.
And so we're seeing small cases of that, but it just goes to show you what happens when we drop vaccination rates. Otherwise, look, we had a couple of previous pandemics. We've had swine flu, things like that, and the closest to viruses to this virus, things like SARS, obviously, and MERS. They are great examples of where public health measures were able to completely squash the virus and contain it to one region of the world, and it did not become a global pandemic. So obviously there are many lessons to be learned with this virus, because obviously whatever systems that we've set up globally obviously weren't good enough to contain the virus. The virus is a nasty virus. Do you think the economy has also changed a lot, a global economy, in that when those viruses were around and contained, we probably didn't have that much kind of passage from those countries to our countries?
Well, totally, totally. Yeah, it's levels of contagion. So to start with, you have a viral pandemic, right?
So you have a medical problem, and then if you don't control the medical problem, it's spilled over into an economic and then a social problem, right? So it's important to discuss all of those things together, but it's very important to realize that the medical problem is the root of the other two problems, your economic and social problems, right? So we shouldn't have a conversation like they have three equal problems. The medical problem, the viral problem, is the heart of the problem, and until you fix that problem, you're not going to be able to fix your economic and social problems, and that's exactly what we're seeing here. All the conversations going on about how we get out of this situation, we're balancing lives because people die from COVID-19 and livelihood, which is an economic issue, and we're trying to get that balance right, but the truth is until we fix the medical problem, we're not going to be able to solve the economic or social problem.
Dan, we know that this is a virus that came from the animal kingdom. It made the jump from either a bat or a pangolin to a human in a wet market in Wuhan. What makes this virus different to other coronaviruses? How is this able to make the jump from the animal kingdom into mankind? Yeah, that's a really good question. So coronaviruses are a large family of viruses. Lots of animals are able to carry coronaviruses, but it doesn't make those animals sick, so that's a really strange problem.
A virus which makes its carrier host, you know, it doesn't do much to those hosts, can make a human incredibly sick, right? And that's because we have different immune systems. So usually what happens is that viruses mutate over time. That's perfectly normal, right? The flu mutates so much that we have to make a new flu vaccine every year. That's how quickly influenza mutates. This virus mutates at a lower rate, I guess, but at some stage, it develops the properties of being able to jump into people. And this is a very unusual virus in the way it causes such a diverse range of illness in humans.
So it's actually the Goldilocks set of characteristics for a disaster, right? It's completely asymptomatic in 25, 50% of people, no symptoms at all. So they can go around and shed it and give it to other people, but not be sick. But it still puts 10 to 15% of people in hospital, 5 to 10% of people in intensive care, and kills 1 to 2% of people. So it's just got that horrendous set of characteristics, which makes it incredibly contagious, but also deadly to enough people that it quickly overwhelms the health system when you unleash it in a population that has no immunity to it at all.
Can you tell us a little bit about the coronavirus community transmissions a little bit? I mean, it seems like a lot of the graphs were showing, you know, at 90% compliance, the social distancing measures, we might be able to ease back in 60 days, and at 80%, maybe 90 days, and then 70%, you can't control it. What do you think we're at right now in terms of compliance? I mean, it's hard to know what everyone's doing in every suburb. What is the understanding in the medical fraternity of how Australians are doing at this?
It's too early to know. So with the number of community transmission cases creeping up very slowly, too early to know, right? So I think what we do need to do is to get smart and use some technology to kind of look at this, and I know some companies have started to do it. For example, your iPhone, you know, we track people's movements on freeways and things like that, and we can get a pretty good idea of people's adherence to social distancing and social isolation. That way, there are some privacy issues and things that we have to be really mindful of and not give up in the process of that. The answer is I think it's too early to tell in Australia because the number of community transitions is very low, and so we just need to wait and see whether that continues to increase at sort of a rate that will double every eight or nine days, or whether that comes down. So it's really too early to tell.
Is wearing a mask just as good as keeping your distance from people? There's two things I think about masks.
One is kind of a sociological thing, and the other one's kind of like medical and scientific. I'll deal with the medical and scientific stuff first. So scientists like to prove things, right? They have a hypothesis, they do an experiment, they want to know.
So there's some recent data that has clearly shown that if you have a mask on, obviously, the distance that you can cough out viral particles is less because it obviously hits the mask. Now, that's just basic common sense, really. One of the concerns is that when we cough, we can actually expel viral particles much further than we originally thought. It may even exceed the sort of social distancing distances that we've asked people to keep. So that is a reason. So there's building scientific evidence that wearing a mask is going to be useful, especially once you get to a stage where more people have the virus. So at the moment, we have very low numbers of transmission events, which means we have quite a low infection rate. So asking the whole population to wear a mask is probably not the most useful strategy. But if you're in New York right now, where they're having a major outbreak, like lots and lots of people with the infection, then it probably is protective for people to cover their face because, you know, their chances of spreading the virus are less. So it's also dependent on the specific context of your outbreak. That's the sort of medical answer. And I think people are doing more and more research to try and work out whether masks are actually effective. I think they will be shown to be effective. And I think it's really common sense, right? This is a virus that comes out of your face, like your nose, your mouth, when you cough, breathe, talk. And so covering it, if you are infected, probably helps reduce transmission. But, you know, we need to prove that with a whole bunch of experiments, which is interesting. So on a sociological level, I mentioned this in my earlier interviews, which is that in January, when the people of Hong Kong heard about the novel coronavirus in Wuhan, they just all started wearing masks.
And the government didn't tell them to do that. The reason they did that is that that community, that country went through SARS. So that's a completely different situation to Australia.
That is a group of people that are deeply experienced in how to deal with this problem, right? And so from my point of view, at least in Asia, the mask is a symbol. It's a symbol that people understand the problem and know what to do. And so I talked about how people in Asia kind of have two modes, right?
They have okay mode and then isolation mode. And so for them, isolation mode is the same as it is here. You stay at home, wash your hands, don't touch other people.
But in Asia, they also wear a mask. And when I see the whole street full of people wearing masks, I'm like, okay, that is a country.
That is a community. I'm looking at people that understand the problem and know what to do, right? So the start of the thing was that everyone was talking about what the government was doing, what the policy was, all this kind of stuff. And that's really important. But what's even more important is that we brought the Australian public up to speed because they had not been through this before and told them what the problem was and explained to them what the problem was and what the solution was, right? It's always good to do something because you understand the problem and you want to be part of the solution rather than being told by the government or somebody else what to do, right?
So the mask is an interesting sociological thing too. I feel like in a lot of the parts of the world, when you see someone with a mask on, they're viewed with suspicion in some way. In Asia, it's very different. If you ask someone why they're wearing a mask, it's usually because they are sick. They're like, I've got a bit of a cough or a cold. And so I'm wearing this mask to protect everyone else.
In other words, it's done with good intention. With other people's best interests at heart, right? So I think, yeah, it's a really interesting phenomena.
And I'm not saying everyone in Australia should wear a mask at the moment. It is possible that we have a big outbreak that the government will change their mind in a few months, right? Because I think in a few months, we'll have more scientific evidence about what masks do. As you know, in America, they've told everyone to put a mask on. The US CDC has changed their mind on that. So it's possible, right? And I just think that people should keep an open mind about that and realize that when you put on a mask, you're doing it to protect yourself. But also because 25 to 50% of people don't know they have the infection, they have no symptoms, you're actually protecting everyone around you when you wear the mask.
So it's a two-way thing. Yeah. So do you think that maybe the perception of masks in the Western world might change after this a little bit? I think so. It's one of those things.
Once you've worn a mask, so I've been wearing a mask for quite a month, but I take the train quite a long way to work every day. I think the perception will change because it's one of those things. Once you've worn one yourself, right? So some very strange things happen to you. When I wear a mask down the street, people kind of like circle around me when they walk past me. They'll like go another couple of meters away from me. I'm like, good, right? Socially distancing, right? Whereas when I'm not wearing the mask, they'll walk one foot from me. So I think people, once you do it yourself, then you realize why you're wearing it. Then I think the way you view other people wearing one will change as well.
And I don't see that as a bad thing. It's really good.
It is a shame we might have used up most of our masks during the bushfire season, but I think there's more on the way and we're manufacturing them day by day. Dr. Dan, I want to now see if we can dispel or kind of add merit to some of the myths that have been going around. Obviously, a lot changes day to day during a pandemic. Policy definitely does and just attitudes in general. But there were a couple of things early on that might've added to the complacency and not just in Australia, around the world. Particularly in some more equatorial countries, there was the myth being kind of circulated that coronavirus doesn't last very well in the heat.
And as well as that, there was also the myth that, oh, your kids are all right. The kids aren't going to suffer from it. And of course, the asymptomatic element that majority of people are going to have a mild case.
What have you kind of come to learn and where's everyone kind of stand on all that now? We've only known about this virus for three months. So it takes us quite a while to work out the answers to those questions, right? The first, I wouldn't call it a myth because we don't know yet, is about temperature.
And I guess being a coronavirus and being a respiratory virus, it may adopt some of the characteristics of other seasonal viruses, right? Like colds and flu. And it may be that once it's been around the world and being part of the endemic viral things that infect people for some time, that it may adopt a seasonal thing.
But this is a very different situation. This is a completely new virus that's being led out into a community that has no immunity. So that is a devastating situation.
It doesn't matter what time of year that happens. So that's not the most important priority. It may turn out much later on in 10 years time that there is a seasonal variation, but that's not the thing that matters right now. The thing that matters right now is that no human on Earth has immunity to this virus and therefore it'll just spread like wildfire and cause infection in everybody that it touches.
So that's the first thing. The second thing you mentioned, sorry, was?
Was age, the myth of age. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, age. It is true that very young people don't appear to get that sick. Again, we have to look at the data that we have.
So in the Wuhan outbreak, they had an extremely low rate of death in people under the age of 10. It is actually, this is one of the reasons why the government left schools open because there was actually no evidence that this was a serious infection in children and it was safe to leave schools open, right? So there's no way the government would have left schools open if it wasn't safe for the children, right?
So that statement is actually true. Now here's the problem. If you let a virus out into the community, if it infects huge numbers of people, there will always be the exception to the rule, right? You're gonna get someone really young that gets really, really sick. And of course, that always makes the news and that's the thing that scared parents, right? But on the numbers, it's true that in the vast majority of youngsters, this is a mild illness or they don't even feel sick at all. So that statement is actually true.
When we talk about young people though, we're also talking about people in their 30s and their 40s and their 50s and that is definitely true that we've seen a huge number of people under the age of 60 say, right? In intensive care and dying from COVID-19. So the original myth that this was, just like influenza, it's gonna make people grandma, grandpa in the 70s and 86, that is definitely untrue. We've seen huge numbers of people in their 50s, 40s, 30s, very sick from this virus.
And so that's a different thing to what we're discussing regarding the children, right? And the third myth you wanted to discuss? The asymptomatic percentage, asymptomatic, I guess you'd say. Yeah, that's a scientific question. Yeah, so that is something that you actually need to do some science, right?
So you actually need to go and test people who have no symptoms. So at the start of a viral pandemic, remember, we had to make this test from scratch. Of course, you use the test to test sick people, right? So you just don't know. It wasn't until they did some bigger studies, the classic study was the one in Iceland because the whole population lives around the capital, Reykjavik, that they were able to sequence just a whole lot of completely well people. And then they were like, oh my goodness, half the people who tested positive had no symptoms at all. That's crazy for a virus like this, right?
So that's a scientific question. And I guess, you know, there's a lot of assumptions. So at the start of this thing, people were making a lot of assumptions. And I guess that's where the myth-making comes from.
But it always takes time for little time to ask those questions properly. And aren't we glad we've got you there?
There's just one thing and I want to talk about age. I read this morning that the biggest age demographic that has COVID-19 are girls aged between 20 and 29.
That is true. In Australia? Yeah.
And that was also true of other analyses of other outbreaks in different countries.
Girls are gross. Gross.
I'm not going there. So yeah. So we knew that we had to talk to young people in this particular pandemic, right? And it's not about blame.
It's the fact that when you're in your 20s, you're doing a lot of things where you're incredibly social. You hug and you kiss a lot of friends. You probably share a beer. You do a lot of things where there is direct and indirect contact between people. You go out and party. You go listen to your favorite DJ.
Things like that. And you do those things overseas. With huge numbers of people. Yeah, exactly. And you travel. And so that particular age group is just because of how social they are, right? So that's what I meant.
It's such a strange situation to explain to people that you live your life a particular way. And then now we're telling you just by doing that, just by going out of your home and doing what you normally do is now deadly to many, many other people. What is a deeply distressing and disturbing thing to explain to people. And so, but it's very important that we talk to young people properly and in a way that it's not about blame, but it's about explaining a very, very peculiar situation that we've never been through in living memory and explaining why we have to change our behavior.
Otherwise many, many other people will get sick. And if you're in your twenties, the chances that you would fall very sick from COVID-19 are extremely low, right?
But that's what I mean. It's not about the individual person. It's about what happens to the rest of society.
I find it incredibly easy to explain to people because you just talk to them about their parents and their grandparents and parents and grandparents of their friends. And once they realize that their behavior potentially put at risk the health of other people that they love, it becomes very easy to change your behavior actually because you're highly motivated to do so. Personally, I blame Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City for the spike in young girls aged 25 to 29.
They've all flown back here from Brooklyn and they're hiding at mum and dad's potentially spreading COVID. And they're just coughing on people, aren't they? They're coughing on each other.
Exactly, exactly. Now there's one question I do want to ask because we're going to see a lot more of this in the news. And this might draw on maybe some medical disciplines that you haven't really kind of specialized in your career. But just in your opinion, with these cruise ships, we've seen basically what's happened is what they can say in these investigations, particularly in the Ruby Princess, what they can say is there was a mistake that was made, messages got mixed up and boat full of COVID-19 infected boomers unloaded in circular key. Now, who knows really what you're meant to do in that circumstance? What do you think, is there a playbook for this when we do have something like that sitting in Sydney Harbor or in the mouth of Brisbane? Like what is the play? Do you send medical crews on? Surely this has happened before with some form of a kind of contagious illness. So the answer to your question is I don't know, right? As far as I'm aware with the SARS and MERS outbreak, the most similar recent thing, we didn't have this cruise ship problem. So the answer is we didn't have a pre-prepared playbook to work on this problem, but I'm sure that we will develop one now, right? So we always say, so everything's so easy in retrospect, it's so easy to be really critical of everybody, right? When something happens, a mistake is made or something.
But the truth is that it was a completely unprecedented situation and there were just so many unknowns. There were so many things we didn't know and everything was moving so quickly. So these pandemics move so quickly.
So I always say it's very easy to be critical but that's not the important point. The important point is to fix the problem.
So we had that problem, but the mistake, then we knew we had a cruise ship problem. And so we've really dealt with every other cruise ship very differently, right? And so we haven't had a repeat of the problem. The problem, the medical lesson was learned very quickly.
The second element to the thing is can we do it better? Definitely.
And I'm sure, in the fallout of the investigation that there'll be a whole bunch of recommendations which will be adopted. The countries to look to, I think it's Singapore which is a country which is very small and they've been through several kind of viral things before. They have an incredibly well-prepared system, have a national plan. The government has there the whole hospital just for pandemics. So I think in the wake of this we're going to need to review all of those things that will happen at the right level of government with all the relevant experts advising and we'll be much better prepared the next time.
Good to know. Good, that is good to know.
It's like any disaster in Australia though. We need a big one before we have a playbook. We went from, globally now I'm talking, first three months since this virus first came into existence to get to 500,000 cases worldwide.
From there, it took eight days to get to a million. Now it looks like it's going to get, it's going to double from there in less than eight days. So it looks like it's going to go from a million to two million in less than eight days. That is now moving obviously 200% faster each week.
Where do you think are going to be the biggest hotspots worldwide? Where do you think?
Yeah, so the numbers that you're reporting it's just the classic numbers for a global pandemic, right? But you're also seeing a few things. Firstly, there are just more cases the virus is spreading but every country is increasing its capacity to test, right? So if you test more, you're going to pick up more cases, right? So with numbers, you can follow the numbers but what's even more important than numbers sometimes is experience, right?
And so the experience of every country so far is that around two weeks after you enforce a hard lockdown the cases, the curve really starts to flatten, right? So it takes about two weeks to do that. So a huge proportion of the world, more than half the world is in some kind of lockdown at the moment. And so hopefully by doing that that country is taking a proactive stance with lockdown we can minimize the number of global deaths in this first upswing, right? So hopefully we start to see that global curve level off but one of the reasons why it won't is because we're doing so many more tests so we're just going to pick up more cases, right?
So that's the way that that's going to go and there is literally no other way at the moment to control this problem other than to enforce some kind of lockdown and the lockdown is really just enforced social isolation, right? So social isolation, the thing we've been discussing keeping away from other people is the answer. You know, I was talking about people's personal responsibility to do that and understanding the problem of doing it yourself but lockdowns are sort of government enforced, okay? Your social circumstances partly determine whether you are able to socially isolate and there's been a really great conversation talking, you know, how lucky we are in Australia about how much space we each have, right? Whereas, you know, some parts of the world particularly the extreme opposite you know, the places in India where people live in huge, huge slums, right? They cannot wash their hands they cannot socially distance themselves it's just not physically possible and so social isolation is a privilege, right?
We have the ability to do it and we should be grateful for that so I think what you'll see is that this was a disease that started in China then we saw South Korea and Iran have outbreaks and then now the sort of Northern Western Hemisphere the next hotspot will be the developing world, right? Indonesia, India, Brazil and these are countries with very densely packed populations very poor healthcare systems yeah, so that's the ones that we are really fearful that we will see huge loss of life and they don't have the capacity to test, right? So we'll never know the true toll of lives in this pandemic because there are some places that just won't be able to test so that's definitely the next thing that we're looking at we're reasonably confident that Europe has its problem under control in that most of Europe is in lockdown and so it's just a matter of time before those cases level off so we see that happening in Spain, Italy in terms of cases and deaths America still doesn't have a national lockdown, right? They're doing it state by state and so you'll see that problem evolve so you'll go from New York and then there's a huge problem brewing in Detroit and New Orleans so that the country's problem will be spread out over many months but you'll see a rolling series of catastrophes across different cities so I think yeah, we'll see it play out very differently in different countries, cities and regions and the dominant question in a viral pandemic is when the government locked down, right? The earlier you lock down look at Australia, right? Look at New Zealand New Zealand was way ahead of the curve, right? and they're going to do great so they are one of the few countries that could possibly eradicate this virus by lockdown and testing because they locked down at such an early stage it's possible, right? If New Zealand is able to do that and I'm not saying that they will be able to but if they could do it they could do something remarkable which is that if they really get their cases to zero they could reopen the domestic economy everyone could go back to normal life but the international borders stay closed and they could like basically live normal lives, right? whilst the rest of the world is in this kind of half lockdown, you know you're releasing the brake, putting the brake on releasing the brake, you know, situation until the vaccine is found so full kudos to Justin Darden in having the foresight and the leadership to lock down hard really early I really hope that they're able to do it and that would be an incredible model to look at in terms of, you know how we deal with future pandemics So just, we'll ask you one more question then we'll let you get back to your very important work is the only real pathway back to life as we knew it in the time before the coronavirus is the only way back there basically through a vaccine then? Yeah, so this is an interesting question so the vaccine is by far and away the most likely way out of this quagmire, right?
Yep The really senior people at CSL and Johnson & Johnson have said it's a minimum of 12 months away and that's if everything goes right, right? I'm sure with, you know, complete global effort we can push that timeframe a little bit faster but, you know, we're talking about that timeframe which is a really long time, right?
So the other way is to attempt to let the virus out a little bit at a time what we call developing community herd immunity but the problem with this virus, as I discussed is that if you're not immune to it it still has that set of characteristics it's fine in some people it makes some people really sick put them in hospital and then intensive care so it's a really difficult alternative, right? If you can't get rid of the virus in the way that I described with New Zealand completely squashing it, eradicating it then we're really waiting for a vaccine there is one other way out which is if they find an antiviral agent that stops people from getting very sick in other words, you know, you catch the virus fine you have a fever, you get tested and you're not feeling well if we can find an antiviral agent or something that stops you from getting very sick in other words, we don't cause a massive crush of intensive care beds that would also be an acceptable way out in that you can let the virus spread into the community but be able to treat the group of people who are sick and prevent them from ending up in ICU, right? But, you know, we don't have an agent like that yet but that is the other way out other than a vaccine Right. So you don't think we're having that conversation in Australia that sounds like New Zealand are working towards you don't think that Australia in, you know we've got a few interesting weeks to get through namely this Easter weekend but you don't think that we'll be having that conversation about potentially resolving this through lockdowns and testing? So I think a lot of people, experts in epidemiology have, you know, discussed the different ways out and, you know, a complete squashing of the virus total eradication from the continent is possible but it's very difficult and the chances of success are unknown, right? So it's like, you know, I guess the way I think about it it's like the first when they decided to go to the moon, right? Put people on the moon they didn't know that it was possible or that the mission would be a success but they decided to do it it's a little bit like that the conversation is definitely happening, right? Among epidemiologists and those experts about whether it's possible in Australia so Australia has two things going for it it's an island continent and so we have total control of our borders and that is key number two, we have a very a low rate of infection at the moment, right? We don't look like Spain, Italy or New York but it's very difficult we have a very large country and so the problem with the process of eradication is that you really can't get it wrong you can't miss any cases because if you do it, you know if you go a hard lockdown that has an incredible cost associated with it and you do a heap of testing you roll out community testing now when you take everything off if you missed a number of cases and then the virus spreads again then you've gone through all of that you're going to have to lock down again at some stage and you've gone through that whole process with all of the costs and it didn't work, right? So it's like the moon landing it's possible that disaster happened it's possible that they didn't make it there so it's a really, really deeply complex conversation but we are having it people are literally modeling and working through is it possible to eradicate some of the virus from Australia? But I guess the government probably came to the view that it's unlikely which is why they've kind of come out with the six month package they think the most likely way through probably that we're just going to have to sit tight for a vaccine I think that's what's going on but the conversation is definitely happening amongst people who know what they're talking about Well, Dr. Dan, you've instilled a lot of confidence, I guess both Errol and I but also you've shared a lot of information that I just don't think has been that accessible over the last few scary months, may I add Thank you for joining us today, Dr. Dan and we look forward to reading more of your stuff and seeing more of you in the future Thank you Thank you We'll be in touch No problem, see you |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_california_s_ebony_alerts_national_no_bra_day_snl | Scientists in Europe are studying a skeleton that they say is rewriting the history of syphilis. the skeleton is better known by its stage name, Russell Brand. Oh. California has become the first state in the country to issue Ebony alerts when a black child goes missing. Here with more on. this is Colin Jost. that's a lie. it's the first show. Oh, read the card. Yeah. California has become the first state in the country to enact Ebony alerts to help find missing black children. And I'll save you some time. they're not with their fathers. you like that? Well, here's another. What's that, Colin? I can't wait. California has become, like we restated, California has become the first state in the country to issue Ebony alerts when a black child goes missing. And hopefully the police find them before I do.
Those are some rough jokes, Colin. the second largest Hindu Temple in the world has opened in New Jersey. Hindu leaders believe the temple ended up in New Jersey because it did something terrible in a former life. a fisherman in Texas sent a new World record after he caught a 280-pound alligator gar fish. And like everything caught in Texas, it was immediately bused to New York City. yesterday was national no-broad day, and boy, was I dizzy. a new study finds that 53% of dog owners in the U.s. question whether the rabies vaccine is safe for their pets. because they heard it could cause autism.
Alaska Airlines says it has created a new coffee blend for passengers that tastes better when the plane is in the air. While Spirit Airlines has created a special moonshine they give out when they have to land upside down. |
TheOnion | Poll_Reveals_430_New_Demographics_That_Will_Decide_Election | It's good to see you, Andrea. Great to see you.
A lot of data to sift through here. What do these numbers tell us? Well, it looks like the race is really going to come down to which candidate can woo the 430 crucial voting blocs that will be casting their ballots this November. What are all the factors you're looking at? Age, sex, gender, race, education?
That's right, Andrea. There's also religion, soda preference, drug use, body mass index, number of tattoos, size of television screens, and favorite non-sports pastimes. Of course, the big news this morning is over the Battle of the Dunkin' Donuts independence. Oh, that's right.
That is, yes, the working class swing voters who make under $60,000 a year. McCain was able to gain three points with them just this week. Wow. Time and time again, if we look back, we have seen how they influenced the Dinty Moore dads, men with multiple illegitimate children who eat single serving microwavable meals for dinner. This is Obama's weak area right now.
That is right. And of course, the Corolla in-laws, what the Democrats are losing there, they're rapidly picking up with dental office receptionists who plan on going back to school to get their real estate degree someday. Right. Now, the Democrats have got a lock on those urban groups like corduroy-wearing homosexuals and people who eat artisanal sandwiches, right? Yes, that would be a lock. Okay, let's talk about the 28% of necktie Asians living above frozen yogurt shops. I mean, they're urban, but technically they have more in common with underemployed mathematicians and farmhouse-dwelling, self-publishing mystery novel authors, right? That is true, Andrea.
I think with them, it'll come down to are they going to vote with their wallets or are they going to vote with their conscience? We're also seeing a lot of young people getting involved this year, including the loss-watching roommates, the Wes Anderson dipshits and the Facebook masturbators. Those are very strongly pro-Obama. Now, what about the employees of the Riggins, Idaho, Washington Mutual and Mark Street who have crushes on that girl, Amy, who works at the Wendy's Next Store demographic? We've been hearing a lot about them. Yes, Andrea. Well, Josh and Todd have both been polling in favor of Obama, but there is speculation that those figures are off since Amy is also for Obama, so they may be saying that just to impress her. Once they get in the voting booth, we think they'll go towards McCain, actually, because they're also strongly influenced by the Stoner friend Leo demographic, who will drive them to the polls that day.
So I think we're looking at a win for McCain there. Andrew, thanks so much for being with us and clearing some of this up for us. It's certainly going to be a fascinating race to watch.
Great. We'll see you again. Thanks, Andrea. All right. You take care.
Next up, scientists are predicting a large asteroid movie. We'll hit theaters in the next two to three years.
See you next time. Bye. |
dropout | google_is_going_to_blackmail_you | Here at Google, we've been trying pretty hard to get you to use Google+. We've even gone so far as to make you sign up for Google+, to comment on YouTube. But a lot of you still don't seem to want to play well. That's why we're proud to introduce Google Blackmail, a free new service that works like this. Either you sign up for Google+, or we release all the private information we know about you. You see, incognito mode was a straight up lie. And thanks to Blackmail, if you don't do what we say, we are prepared to tell all of your friends and family that your search history includes.
Luckily, Google Blackmail is as easy as ABC. A lot of you agree to let our corporation control every aspect of your online life. Or be ready for everyone you know to see that you watched a YouTube video called How to suck your own dick tutorial. And keep in mind, we know more than just your search history. We have all 13 backpedaling apology emails you wrote to your coworker after begging to sleep with them at the holiday party. We have a street view photo of that time you ate a third of a meatball parm sub out of a trash can. We know that last Friday night you went to see about time by yourself. And then change your Gchat status to hella great night for a party. We have every video sex chat you had with your long distance girlfriend three years ago. And we won't release the hot parts, just the parts where you're trying to angle the screen to make your dick look bigger. You've been voluntarily providing us with the means to ruin you for years. So make the right choice and help us make Google Plus just like Facebook. Something you hate but is so connected to everything that you feel forced to use it. Google Blackmail. We're, um, yeah, we're just being evil now. |
TheOnion | Survey_Most_Common_Deathbed_Regret_Never_Spraying_Fire_Extinguisher | According to a new report based on hundreds of interviews with the terminally ill, the Princeton Medical Institute has found that the most common deathbed regret, more than losing contact with family or spending too much time at the office, is never having sprayed a fire extinguisher all over the place. Similar themes emerged in our interviews with dying patients. Some wished that they'd taken more risks. Others wished that they'd lived a life truer to their dreams. But almost every single person surveyed, regardless of their age or circumstance, said that their most significant regret was never having grabbed a fire extinguisher off a wall and blasted it around a room until it ran out of foam.
I've lived a good life. I was a nurse for 32 years. I have three beautiful children.
But I've never smashed my elbow into a glass case, grabbed a fire extinguisher, and gone woosh over everything. I just wish I could have found everywhere that I'd be like, yeah, everything covered in foam. Researchers found that besides regretting never having deployed a fire extinguisher, people on their deathbed also regretted not having chucked a fire extinguisher out of a window, used it to bash in a door, or rolled it on the ground towards a thief to trip him up. The day we got the diagnosis, it was just so hard because it means I don't get to grow up. And that's really sad because it means I don't get to take one of those big red fire extinguishers and pull the thing back and watch it go everywhere. But maybe I'll get lucky, though. Maybe there'll be some fire extinguishers in heaven. |
TheOnion | hot_new_relationship_book_warns_women_wake_up_he_s_a_shapeshifter | We're gonna talk about romance, you know there are a lot of ladies out there who've read all the relationship books, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, he's just not that into you. Right, they still find themselves in one destructive relationship after another. Right, but all that's gonna change right now, let's welcome Craig Weeden, he's the author of the runaway bestseller, Wake Up, He's a Shapeshifter, Craig welcome to our show, good to see you. Jimmy Tracy, it's always great to be here, thank you. Now Craig, a lot of women blame themselves because they end up dating one bad guy after another, but you say that's wrong. Tracy that's right, there's so many women out there that are fun, sexy, and smart, but keep finding themselves dating complete jerks, and then they read my book and it's like they wake up for the first time. It's not their fault, they're actually dating the same guy over and over, he just keeps taking different physical forms.
He's a shapeshifter. Right, let's take a look here, there are 12 different types of shapeshifters, all of them hate commitment, and they would all sooner shift shape again than take responsibility for their own actions. The lying shapeshifter, the shapeshifter who's too career oriented.
The one who's bad at communicating, I know some women who dated him. That one gets around. You know all this week we've been asking women to send in their relationship problems to us via the website, and we've pulled out a few of them to show you here right now, you think you can help them Craig? Jim, of course I can. I met my new boyfriend at a bar, and he turned out to be just as shallow as the last boyfriend I met at that bar, Craig, help.
Anna, wake up, he's a shapeshifter, all of those men are one man. Wake up, I love it.
Well that's right, I can't stress this enough, you have to be aware of the warning signs outlined in my book. And one of the biggest ones is if he tells you he really isn't ready for anything serious. Tracy at that point, he may as well just peel off his outer layer and reveal his true reptilian form.
Well Craig, we have another one to listen to. I don't know what to do, I've tried to mix it up, after the last guy I broke up with, I dated his brother, his best friend, his best friend's brother, his other brother, and his cousin, what am I doing wrong? Rachel, I have three words for you.
He's a shapeshifter. That's so sad, really. Well Craig, what should Rachel and women like her do? The best thing that they can do is go to my website, craigweden.com, and buy a bottle of my shapeshifter nayspray, it doesn't smell like anything to you guys, but to a shapeshifter, it smells terrible. And if that doesn't work, then maybe your problem is he's not a shapeshifter, he's actually a robot from the future using a cloaking device to appear to be human.
Wow. Now check out my next book ladies, Look Out, he's an android, that's coming out in stores next month. Well Craig Whedon, thanks for being our guest again this morning, and right now we have the inspirational story of a couple that overcame the loss of their son by having another son. |
cracked | disney_princes_set_unhealthy_expectations_for_boys | Hi, hi, sometimes when I feel lonely I sit in my car for a while before going into the house and imagine I have a family waiting for me inside that I'm trying to get away from then when I remember I live alone, and I'm childless. I feel relieved to be alone. You should try it.
It's great I don't have kids because I stress out about how my kids would grow up messed up because the world is messed up Like can you imagine raising a son right now with the unrealistic expectation that Disney says for men? I mean it just makes me sad when I think about how my son will have no cartoon role models to look up to in Disney movies People talk about how Disney princesses set unrealistic expectations for women all the time But nobody's talking about how the men are just as bad. It's not worse First of all, they're all boring except for maybe Aladdin.
Do you trust me? I mean, I want to trust you because your hairless sculpted abs are so dreamy But I can't trust you because you lied to Jasmine about your identity, but at least you have an identity So that's a pretty good start quick name three Disney princes and three things you like about the personality Trick question, they have no personality How much do we know about Prince Charming other than his royal pedigree and apparently poor facial recognition? Is he a vegetarian? Is he allergic to mice? Does he swear in front of his mother?
Okay, we know Snow White loves making pies and has a great singing voice We know Ariel is a hoarder and hates her dad We know Belle reads dirty novels and is a furry, but we don't even know if Beast can read What message does this send to little boys that women don't care who they are as long as they agree to marry them I mean, I can't help but think it's not gonna lead to a lot of happily ever afters This is not an exaggeration Snow White dreams about the Prince marrying her Even though she doesn't know anything about him She sings about him before she even meets him Which means she sees him as an idea in her head and not as a real person and then when he tries to introduce himself And I don't know maybe tell her like a little bit more about who he is She runs away like a lunatic probably cuz men are better seen than heard or something Oh, no, if I get to know this guy, I might not like him and then how will I marry him? Oh better hold him up to some unrealistic standard of gentlemen in my head and then pick a fight with him when it turns out He's not at all who I tried to force him to be and then there's sleeping beauty She meets Prince Philip in the woods while she's fantasizing about falling in love Much like Snow White, Aurora already has an idea in her head of what falling in love is supposed to be like So we're basically telling little boys that you just have to be in the right place at the right time And you'll get the girl regardless of who you are There's no need to develop a personality just learn how to stalk someone until you catch them dancing alone in the woods Speaking of which the princes are actively encouraged to take advantage of the princesses and engage in behavior that isn't totally not assault I mean sleeping beauty is like an obvious one because you can't consent if you're sleeping But even in the Little Mermaid the sea creatures shame Prince Eric for not being more aggressive with Ariel on the lagoon You know that frustration you feel watching that scene wondering why he won't just kiss her already Did you ever think that the reason he didn't immediately as the prince grab this mute defenseless girl and kiss her was Because maybe he wants to make sure it's like consensual Also, these Disney princes are all Hot boys do they all have to be hot boys sure the Disney princesses all have tiny ways and like a decent V cup But if we're gonna criticize Disney for setting these standards for a woman We should talk about the men to all of these princes are CrossFit bros I mean Eric and row dive swim Aladdin does parkour and Prince Philip literally has to fight a dragon How is that a useful skill none of the Disney princess of any motivation beyond getting a girl? Even Aladdin arguably the most actualized Prince just wants to be a prince So he can rub Jasmine's magic lamp at least the Disney princesses sing about wanting to escape their provincial lives or be part of some other World they're dreaming bigger than any Prince does and before you tell me that Peter Pan didn't want to grow up He does not count. He's a child and while we're on the subject Simba doesn't count either. He's a lion I want my son to model himself after a real adult human cartoon character, okay? So let's recap Disney teaches men that they don't need to have personalities as long as they're hot Oh, please come back.
I don't even know your name. How will I find you? How do you dance all night and not like introduce yourself?
You must be boring Disney teaches men that the only motivation you need in life is to get the girl And even when you get the girl she only likes you because of an idea in her head and not because of who you really are Disney also teaches men to be aggressive when it comes to making a move lie stock pressure them whatever it takes to get the job Done. I wish for you to make me a prince The only man in Disney princess movies I care for is a hunter and Snow White now that is a real man He's not only average looking but he also has his own agency and save Snow White's life and like didn't get weird with her in the Woods or anything. Can you imagine if he was a prince? He'd probably have tried to kiss her and she would have liked it and that's not victim blaming. That is Disney blaming Anyways, the hunters chill. We should all be more like the hunter Even though 100% he would have killed Snow White if she wasn't hot So I don't know don't have kids I guess Oh, I don't have kids Who wants a party Thanks for watching that video if you like these videos click the see to subscribe and the bell to get notified when we post a new video |
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