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dropout | Mi_Scusi_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to laugh or smile.
I'm Clifford, California. And I'm Homo Simpson.
A tanker ship full of soap has run aground in the Puget Sound off the coast of Seattle. The ship, the largest of its kind, ran aground.
Mascousi. Okay. Mascousi.
Ah, this is my... This is my Taylor Luigi de Beppo.
I asked him to come in and make custom soups for everyone.
I'm sick of this news team looking like shit. We'll keep the newscast going, though.
President Biden has said that split pea soup is his absolute favorite because it's the old timiest of the major soups and that dude is old. So old. I mean, listen, he's obviously better than Trump, but we're all clear that he's at best half dead, right?
Mascousi.
Thank you. I don't think he knows what scusi means. At best, watching Biden give a speech is like watching a baby play Jenga. You know, at some point everything is going to fall apart. Si, si, si, si.
Mascousi. I don't think that means up. The EPA says that while... Mascousi. Put these on. Mascousi.
Got it. No problem. Gonna do that.
The EPA says that while the soup will be devastating to the local environment, it's oh so savory, just like mom used to make. Mascousi. Boy, I miss that home cooking. Yeah, no problem. Ew. Totally normal thing that tailors do. The seven best things my parents cooked for me when I was a kid were... Mascousi.
In the backpack? Absolutely. Because little boys carry backpacks to school full of bricks and that has everything to do with tailoring.
The best things my parents cooked for me when I was a kid were spaghetti and oh that's so heavy. That is unbelievably heavy.
Garlic bread. Do it fast or more bricks are coming. Shepherd's pie. We had a nice taco night. A beef stew.
Mascousi. Oh my God.
My mom made a great lemon poppy seed tea cake. One time she tried to make a bloomin' onion like the type from Chili's and it worked out remarkably well, but we never did it again.
No problem. Okay. And finally...
Mascousi. Sit down wearing all of this. Mascousi. You could have learned one more phrase in Italian. Si. And finally, cereal.
It's a shame to see it happen to our fair city. I love it here. If you ever, if you ever get the chance to spend a weekend in Seattle, here's how to do it my way.
Looking at that pointy building and then some chowder? Sure. Do they do chowder there? It's a coastal town, I bet there's chowder. All right, let's do chowder and then seafood and then, I don't know, a show.
A musical show. Mascousi. Yep. Mascousi. Yep. Hey baby, I hear the blues again. Thank you.
We'll now go to Mary Sugar Shirt with weather. Mary, how are we looking this weekend?
It's gonna be a scorcher, Clifford. Believe it or not, it's because of increased solar flare activity.
I'm something of an astronomy buff myself. Oh, me too. Would you like to answer some astronomy trivia? Oh yes, please. Great. My tailor is an astronomy buff too.
Mascousi. For every question you get wrong, he's going to hand you a very heavy book that you won't be allowed to put down. Amazing. Mascousi. Now, what is the only spacecraft ever to visit Uranus? Discovery. The correct answer is Voyager. Mascousi.
So sorry.
How many planets can be seen with the naked eye from Earth? Three. Mascousi. The answer is in fact five. Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn. That's one more book for you. Which planets in the solar system have no moons? Mascousi. The answer is not nothing. It is in fact Mercury and Venus.
I'm so sorry. I hate to interrupt, but wouldn't this be more effective if your tailor handed Mary three heavy books for every wrong answer? You know something, you're right.
What are the four largest moons of Jupiter? Europa, Io, and that's it.
That's the two of them. Mascousi. Remarkably good answer.
They are Europa, Ganymede, Callisto, and Lo. What planet is known as the Evening Star?
Venus! It's Venus! The great answer is in fact Venus!
Way to go! You disappointed my tailor.
And on the subject of Venus, take 30 seconds and describe in detail NASA's plans for an upcoming visit to Venus. As far as I know, there are no plans to visit Venus.
Space is now their purview of billionaires. No idea if you're right about that, so why don't you hold on to the rest of those books.
Mascousi. Anyway. Perfect. Finally tonight, we'll go to Ryan Beans with sports. And Ryan, you're more in need of a new suit than any of us, so Luigi is gonna do his special measurements for you. Mascousi. Sounds great.
This might be my last day working at college. Well, the college football season's heating up.
Is that a mistake?
After a national title last year, can Alabama reclaim the crown? It's something of a rebuilding year in Tuscaloosa, as the Tide lost many of their superstars to the NFL draft. Over in the ACC, Clemson continues its dominance over the league. Coach Davos Swinney is running roughshod over his competitors, but if Notre Dame finally joins the way they've been threatening to, the Tigers could have some competition. The best preseason quarterback is no doubt Oklahoma Spencer Rattler. After a different setting, after a slow start last year, he led the Sooners to an absolutely dominant back half of the season in the Big 12 last year. He is this year's prohibitive favorite for the Heisman Trophy. Finally, the Big 10 is trying to recover.
What does it have to do with tailoring?
The Big 10 is trying to recover after a down year in which some legacy programs suffered their worst losses in quite some time. Sources say that Penn State coach James Franklin has a foot out the door, making him one of a number of coaches hanging on by a thread in the east. Unless we forget the Pac-12 remains terrible.
Back to you in the studio. Damn it. Thanks, Ryan. That's it for us. But before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Erica.
As punishment, they have to accept this $50 gift card to the Macy's men's store for new suiting. Because sometimes things can be nice. May school see. I could have used a new suit. |
ClickHole | mind_magician_this_master_memorizer_shares_his_techniques | My name is Michael Orlin, and I'm a professional memory athlete. With only five minutes of studying, I can remember what a salamander is. At the World Memory Championship, I was ranked best in the world at not forgetting that salamanders are a wet kind of lizard. But anyone can develop these skills if they try. I'm going to show you a few mental techniques that will help you take your memorization to the next level.
Okay, so a lot of people have trouble remembering names. It's so embarrassing to meet someone and then forget who they are two seconds later. Here's what you do. Every time you meet a new person, fall desperately in love with them. Look at their face and dream of raising children with them and growing old together and eventually one day in the future dying by their side in a car accident. Do this with every new face at the party and you'll have no problem remembering their names.
Another technique I use all the time is the memory house. In your mind, imagine a house and every object in the house represents a different fact you want to remember. Then, whenever you need to recall something, you just visualize your memory house and you look around inside. But don't stay too long or you'll attract the attention of the ever-watching butler. The butler lives in the memory house and he'll chase after you. Be careful because if the butler catches you, then you can never leave the memory house.
So we can all agree there's nothing worse than turning on the oven to 350 degrees and not remembering that you put your computer in there to play music while you wash vegetables and suddenly your computer is melted. An easy way to remember if your computer is playing music in the oven is to use the mnemonic Mermaids Only Oggle, Other Deep Undersea Fish, which stands for music out of oven, don't use fire. It's an easy way to remember that if your oven is blasting music, don't turn it on because your computer is inside. Unless you want to make your computer very hot, which I do.
And that's it. You're now pretty much a master of memorization just like me. And a salamander is a wet kind of lizard. Good luck. |
cracked | 4_things_you_love_to_discuss_that_no_one_cares_about | Everyone in the whole world is amazing and beautiful and talented. Each of us has a story to tell that is unique and inspiring. We can learn so much from each other.
Seriously, shut the hell up about the following four topics. Oh my god! Hey, you guys do anything this weekend? I survived a plane crash. Yeah, me neither. However, Liam had his first birthday party this weekend. This little bundle of heaven is the greatest thing to ever happen to anyone, ever.
The only thing you remember about life before your baby is that life before your baby was meaningless. The first thing you forget about life before your baby? How little you cared about other people's babies.
Your coworkers would rather see pictures of literally anything else in your house, or any of your other family members. Those things would tell us something about you. Pictures of your baby just tell us what your baby looks like. It looks like a baby.
If the T-1000 represented my dad, then why did I wake up sobbing? Now, I have my own theory, but I don't want to bias you guys, so you go first. There is no greater gap than the one between the size of a shit given by the dreamer and literally anyone else in the world. It's important, I don't know why. Well, of course. Your dreams just sound like random neurons firing. You think if you talk enough, you can get us to understand, but you can't. There were humans, I'm not sure. And so it's pretty fun. I got a little too drunk, so I had a little puke time, and that was cool, because then I fucking rallied, because I always rally.
What your coworkers are forgetting is that the story that they're about to hear didn't happen to you, the guy standing in front of them. It happened to that guy. Duck much shows up. He just walks in without... And trust me, when you're that guy, you will fail to distinguish between what was important to you at the time and what your coworkers could possibly give two shits about.
I'm kidding.
So I call Julie and she hates it, so I hang up. There is a galaxy of fascinating discussion topics, and if you're unsure if what you have to say is worthy of talking about, ask yourself, would I tweet it? Would I make a Facebook status update about it? If the answer is yes, then no. There's no reason to say that out loud.
Oh, speaking of things that you should hear out loud, though, the music that's playing us out right now is actually my old band, Launch Money Criminals, from back. I don't look like a rock star or anything. We were on one radio station in New Jersey, and my friend was the host of it, and there was no station in Virginia, and they played us two piano blues. That was my main name. Drum! |
TheOnion | lilly_wins_best_wet_t_shirt_fight_scene | You're just joining us. Here's what you've been missing. Tracy Yawning. But have a good reason for it.
I was on the red-eye from L.A. last night. You were. And why don't you tell everyone why you were in L.A. last night. I was at the fifth annual Strong Women in Television Award Ceremony celebrating the positive portrayal of women on screen. Well, how about that, everybody? Our own Tracy Gill, something of a VIP, last night on the left coast. I was so honored to present the award for Best Fight Scene in a Wet T-Shirt or Short Shorts. Went to Evangeline Lilly of Lost.
That's a woman who could be tough and independent while wearing a wet t-shirt. But she's all muddy and there's no makeup. I couldn't do it. There are entire scenes on that show where she barely draws attention to the fact that she's just an incredibly attractive woman. Yeah, she is an incredible specimen.
Okay, now who are we looking at here? This is what's her name?
Mariska Hargitay. Mariska Hargitay, right. Mariska walked away with the award for best physical intimidation of a man who could clearly crush her in real life.
Yeah, she proves that, you know, just because you're a beautiful woman, you don't have to be weak on television. Right. Female characters can be tough and sexy. Yeah. Mariska is a leading woman on Law & Order SVU. Knew that. She never cries. She's under all this stress. Good point. She never breaks down. Never seen it happen. Jennifer Love Hewitt was there. Oh, I love her. We chatted the night away about how great it is that female characters can be sexy and tough, sexy and smart, sexy and professional.
Well, these days, it didn't used to be that way, but yeah, they've come a long way. Yeah, they really have.
She was nominated in the category of being philosophical while wearing a revealing nightgown, and that was for her role on Ghost Whisperer. Jennifer's co-star, Aisha Tyler, walked away with the award for best extraordinarily intuitive black female. Wow, now that black girl knows something you don't.
Look at that. It was a great night for women and for the men who write for them, I tell you, it just really convinced me that women can do anything men can do on TV. Absolutely, they can. You know, we have to take a quick break right now, but don't you go anywhere because coming up next, we're going to sit down and talk with a man who's invented a new refrigerator that talks. Perfect. It'll be a story that you're only going to find right here on the Onion News Network, so don't go away. |
TheOnion | U_S_Border_Patrol_Increases_Staff_By_Hiring_Cheap_Immigrant_Labor | George Zimmerman offers to just plead guilty and pay the fine or whatever. Zoo visitors watch the mating rituals of the ice cream shop staff, and a serious co-worker puts on headphones to focus on his sandwich. Happiness is perpetually fleeting, so try to savor the next few minutes before it disappears once again. This is The Onion Week in Review.
Following widespread calls for tighter security along the U.S. border, officials announced this week that the Federal Border Patrol has increased its staff by hiring cheap immigrant labor. U.S. Border Patrol Chief Michael J. Fisher told reporters the agency has been significantly bolstered by new officers from the likes of Guatemala, Honduras, and Mexico who work for more affordable, cut-rate wages. Employing immigrant workers is the only cost-effective way to secure all 2,000 miles of the border around the clock. By paying patrol agents $4 an hour under the table, we can ensure that no one enters the country illegally while also staying comfortably within our budget.
Aiming to serve a wider range of customers, Red Roof Inn officially unveiled its brand new Suicidal Suite designed to accommodate guests looking for a convenient and affordable way to end their lives. Representatives from the national hotel chain gave The Onion an exclusive tour of the new rooms and their numerous suicide-friendly amenities. We have a noose hanging from the ceiling, that's standard in all of our rooms, a collection of sharp knives conveniently spread out just on your bed, and a pen and paper for composing final thoughts for loved ones. We've got a small set of razor blades in every bathroom. We also have a variety of prescription pill medications, and we always keep a high-voltage toaster by the bathtub in case any of our guests should prefer electrocution.
FBI officials announced they just can't bring themselves to bust a man who recently downloaded every season of the 1990s television show Picket Fences from a BitTorrent website. While stressing that pirating copyrighted material is strictly illegal, federal authorities expressed their sympathy for the man, and claimed that perhaps the story of Sheriff Jimmy Brock and the strange events in a small Wisconsin town is all he has left to cling to. We have more than enough evidence to bust him for piracy, but if the poor guy really wants to watch all four seasons of a 20-year-old CBS drama that nobody remembers, he's clearly going through a pretty big rough patch right now. Frankly, we don't need to make it any worse. And in sports news, Aaron Hernandez is really enjoying his time in prison catching up with his former Gators teammates. In other news, characters on True Blood openly talk about how they can't wait for the show's episode to end. The CEO of Jay-Z resigns after the company's stock prices plunge, and a local man loses total control of his face when thinking. For statistical purposes, we have seized all private data from your personal computer, and we are disgusted with your recent internet search history. You sick fuck. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | wow_nobody_can_flirt_with_me_anymore | Born ceaselessly into the past. Well, Grant, I think your new book is really good, it's very, very similar to The Great Gatsby. The good Grant.
Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys. Your queen bee is back.
God, Katie, please not again. In a month's time, I will be a married woman. You'll be not... Jesus. That's right, this hot little piece of meat is about to be off the market. Katie, we know you're getting married, also please don't call yourself meat. It's gross. The hubby and I have entered into a sexy little agreement. I hate where this is going.
For the next three hours, you four are allowed to flirt with me. Pass. I'll add more time if we need it. This is already way too long and why would we want to do this anyway?
I'm going to be honest, I wasn't into your flirting before. You were the only person who wanted that to happen. You kept trying to get us to flirt with you. But now I'm meat, about to be taken off the market and I want to have a little bit of fun. No one wants to flirt here, Katie. No one is doing this. Are you ready, boys? Start your flirting. Stop it, stop it. I feel like I'm talking to a wall. We have no interest in flirting with you. Can you please stop wasting everyone's time? Oh, I get it. Are you worried that you won't have a chance to flirt with me? No. I'm worried that you- I am going to make sure that all of my coworkers have a chance. We don't want it.
I know what goes through your brains all day long. Noon to moon. That's not a full day.
You boys just see me as a sexual object. It's really important to me to understand that that's not what we think of. I'm just a little pornographic moving image for you four, designed to get your boners sneezing. Start acting like it. Don't talk about our boners. What makes you think it is okay to talk to your coworkers this way? I get it. I hope to God you do.
You want to be more than coworkers. I would like to be less than coworkers. Well, for the next three hours, we can be.
No. And that goes for all of you. Not only am I not attracted to you, I hate you. Straight up. I don't want to flirt with you. I don't want to spend time with you.
Well, well, well. Raphael, coming in hot. No. Yes, Raphael. Megging does work on me. No. A big time.
You are a terrible person. Katie, you're getting married in a month.
I am meat. Yeah, I know. You keep saying that. Nothing but meat.
This is not a good way for an engaged person to behave, all right? This isn't appropriate.
What?
Who's my big flirt? No. No one is your big flirt. Who's my big flirt?
I'm not. It's you, Tram. No, it's not.
You want me to break off this engagement. I don't want you to end your engagement. I'm not going to break off the engagement. I don't want you to do it. Sorry about it, babe. I want you to get married as fast as possible. I want this to start.
But at least we have these six hours together. When did it become six?
I can't talk to you anymore. It's pointless.
I'm going to leave. I'm just going to leave. No. I'll leave.
You boys stay. I have to go to the bathroom. She just said bathroom. Yeah. I did. She didn't just say bathroom, right? I heard that, right? You're going to the bathroom. There's a lot of stuff here that we need to worry about.
But honestly, I'm just so impressed that you've stopped shitting in your pants. I'm practically a married woman. I can't be doing that anymore. Don't have to poop in your pants, and you're not a married woman either. I want you to know that this is a positive step. That we're proud of you.
No, Katie. Did you shit your pants anyway? Boys. No, no. It was just farts.
Okay. That is a big improvement. Wait, wait, wait.
You're shitting.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your Social Security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
dropout | frequent_flyer_miles_are_actually_costing_you_money_adam_ruins_everything | Wow, big tipper. Yeah, my girl hooked me up, so I hook her up. Oh cool, 16%. Yeah, not a problem.
With my definitely not a virgin airlines card, I earn miles when I spend or when I fly. That's how Tevin gets paid. Actually, frequent flyer miles are a big old rip off. What? Look, I'm a hundred miles away from a free flight. That's free money. I like funny money, because the airlines control how and when you can use them. Exchange your miles for a free trip to your dream destination.
Does not on any of these blackout dates.
Not only that, they can rewrite their rules to change the value of your miles at any time. In 2017, United Airlines devalued all of its customers' miles with just a few months notice. Oh, sorry, we just updated our rewards chart, and it looks like your miles are worth half as much. Have a great trip.
What? No, how could you just change how much they're worth?
I thought I earned a mile for every mile I travel. Not anymore. Airlines used to give you one rewards mile for every mile flown. But over the past few years, they've quietly started basing miles on ticket price. So now, if you really want to rack them up, you got to buy the most expensive seats, like in first and business class. It's wonderful for those of us who can expense the flight to our corporate account, mommy and daddy. And get this, if you don't fly often enough, you might not get to use your miles at all. Airlines will revoke them if you don't maintain qualifying activity, or if you do anything else to violate their specific, sneaky terms.
Aww, you should have read that giant pamphlet we mailed you that everyone just throws away. I'm so confused. How does anybody understand how this works?
Most people don't. Surveys show that 59% of Americans have no idea how frequent flyer miles work. And 73% of people enrolled in these programs don't even know how many miles they have.
Now boarding anyone who can understand our cockamamie system. As a result, plane loads of people's miles expire before they even get a chance to use them. There are currently 20 trillion unredeemed miles in circulation. That's enough to go back and forth to Pluto over 2,000 times. So why don't the airlines make it easier to understand?
Because all this confusion creates a crapload of cash. The major airlines generate an estimated $10 billion in revenue per year, just from their frequent flyer programs. But if the miles are free, then how are they making money? By selling them to credit card companies, who use them as bait to get you to sign up.
Impossible.
I earn hella rewards with every dollar I spend. Yeah, but are you paying off your balance every month? Close to half of credit card holders carry debt, and the massive interest they charge you on that completely wipes out any points or miles you've earned. But no, okay, the rewards dude blog clearly states that this card is the best one to game the system. Yeah, the paid referral link system. Credit card reviewers actually make money every time someone signs up for a credit card from their site. I always try for free using my vibranium member rewards. The same rewards that I make seven figures a year promoting.
What? You know what?
Screw it. From now on, Tevin is cash only. Well, this part is really gonna piss you off.
Even if you pay cash, you're still paying for everyone else's credit card rewards. Credit card companies typically charge sellers over 2% in fees every time they run a credit transaction. It's essentially a tax on every sale they make. So to make up the difference, many sellers raise prices, whether you're paying cash or card.
Whatever bro. Ah, perfect. I have exactly $1. Oh, sorry.
I forgot to pass a credit card surcharge fee on to you. Come on. Lisa and MasterCard can make as much as $45 billion a year off of these surcharges. Your points and miles aren't free. We are all paying for them. Ah! So I've been staying loyal to this expensive airline, earning miles that I'm probably never gonna use while charging a credit card that's basically making me pay for my own rewards? Yep. If you really wanna game the system, forget the points and miles and just buy a ticket on whatever airline's the cheapest. And don't fall for the credit card marketing. How much did you put on credit cards, by the way?
Ugh, I don't wanna think about it.
I'm gonna watch Bad Ben Till We Board. It's a show about a 1960s radio jingle executive. Bad Ben's life is so cool, he flies all the time.
Back then, flying was glamorous. Actually, the idea that flying was better in the old days is a total myth.
Hahaha! Oh, it's not a comedy. Okay. |
ClickHole | watch_family_unboxing | Hey, what's up guys? I'm back with another unboxing video. I've really been looking forward to this one because my new family just arrived in the mail today and I'm pretty excited to crack it open and check out who's inside. So as you can see, no bells and whistles with the packaging really, just a simple cardboard box for the shipping. It seems pretty sturdy though which is good because obviously you don't want your family getting dinged up on the truck. So let me just get this tape off.
Now on delivery with these guys, they say you're looking at one to two weeks. For me it was right in the middle with nine days. You can definitely get expedited shipping if you want but I decided to save the money.
So first thing in here looks like it's my wife. My initial impression is that she's very pretty and has very kind eyes. It definitely seems like someone I could cherish through the years. She's everything you'd expect in a wife it looks like. Let's see here, got some hair, looks like hands as well, and skin on those, that's great. If you notice she's wearing earrings back here, yeah that's a nice little detail. Yeah on the whole I'm very satisfied with this wife.
Now if you're trying to save money you can just get the wife by herself but I decided to splurge for the Deluxe family with two kids. So let's take a look at those. Now you can get these in really any combination that you want. I decided to go with one girl and one boy. Yeah here they are, very cute.
Looks like the little boy has shorter hair than the daughter, that's pretty standard. Yeah so they're basically smaller versions of the wife. Looks like the boy is smaller than the daughter so he's probably the younger one.
These guys are a lot trickier to maintain though so you're gonna want to consult the family owner's manual that they've included here. Gotta say these children look decent enough at first glance, of course I'm gonna have to raise them for a while before I can really make an opinion on them either way. But I'm hoping they'll be my legacy and that we'll love each other very much. We'll have to wait and see on that. I do like the craftsmanship though, a lot of nice features built into these kids. Let's see if they've got anything in their pockets here. Yeah the earbuds, great. Okay so I'm pretty happy with this purchase, I'm gonna do a follow-up video in 15 years and let you know how my family holds up. But in the meantime please feel free to post in the comments if you have a family too and let me know how much you treasure them. Alright thanks for watching guys. |
TheOnion | Onion_Explains_The_Terrifying_Growth_Of_ISIS | To give you an opportunity to see whether slaughtering infidels on the road to holy martyrdom is right for you, we now present the Onion Explains ISIS. ISIS and its militant radical Islamist worldview either evolved from a complex series of socioeconomic conditions and geopolitical decisions dating back generations, or it evolved because there is evil in the world. To discover the true roots of ISIS, one could consider centuries of Sunni-Shia warfare that in the mid-2000s culminated in the brutal subjugation of Sunnis by a US-backed Shia Iraqi government. Or one could just say ISIS formed because there are bad guys out there. So, to combat ISIS, we should either strategically exploit their own fundamentalist worldview against them while taking care not to exacerbate the conditions that led to their rise in the first place, or just drop every bomb we've got on the enemies of freedom.
The internet savvy terrorist group knows that building an effective online presence is crucial to converting young people to jihadism and has attracted thousands of followers with its popular website www.reasonswhythewestisbad.com The site which notes five flaws of Western society, including the poor state of the American education system, and the government's inability to get much done, has been highly successful at prompting young Westerners to join ISIS in droves, as evidenced by testimonial videos posted online. My friend sent me a link to the site and changed my life. We'd get together every day after school and talk about all the five ways the West is bad.
Now it must perish in flames. ISIS is driven by a single all-encompassing desire to determine whether or not God is real. The group's leaders realized that all they had to do to find out if a higher power is out there is to simply institute a caliphate, instigate a brutal war, and defeat the armies of Rome at a battle in Aleppo, Syria. As ISIS leader Abubakar al-Baghdadi said in 2013, if the end of the world unfolds, as God foretold, with the anti-messiah Dajjal emerging out of Eastern Iran and slaughtering all but 5,000 Islamic fighters, then they'll know for sure that the Lord exists and they can rest easy. But if such actions do not cause Jesus to return and join in jihad just in time to impale Dajjal on a spear and save Islam, then ISIS will simply call it a day and live with the fact that there is no God. |
SaturdayNightLive | reel_quotes_game_show_snl | It's time for real quotes. All right, welcome to real quotes. the game's going to test your knowledge of famous lines of movie dialogue. I'm your host, Reg. Barnaby. let's meet our contestants. he manages the Blockbuster in Baltimore, Maryland, Sam Jefferson. good to be here. Well, so he managed a Blockbuster. I bet that's going to come in handy. if you say so, reg. and from Tacoma, Washington, she's a school teacher, Rebecca Lumpin. so great to be somewhere, reg. Ok. well, let's play the game. Real quotes. I will read the beginning of a famous movie quote. first one to buzz in and complete it. wins the points.
First quote from the film Cool Hand Luke. what we have here is a failure to Sam. Launch. incorrect. But that's a movie. failure to launch is a movie, but it does not complete the quote. seems like a gray area, reg.
Well, it's not. Rebecca, what we have here is a failure to. a failure to get along. But that doesn't mean we won't see eye to eye one of these days. So let's not burn any bridges and just agree to disagree.
I bid you Adieu Godfrey. it's incorrect. the right answer was a failure to communicate. Oh, right. from Spartacus. No, no. from Cool Hand Luke. that wasn't one of our quotes. Again, Reg. that's a gray area. The next famous line is from the film a Few Good Men. it was famously delivered by Jack Nicholson. And the line is, you can't handle. My Private. incorrect. be that as it may. you cannot handle them, so keep your hands to yourself. no one was asking. you can never be too safe, Reg. Rebecca, you can't handle. you can't handle your liquor. And if you don't leave me and my girlfriends alone, I'm going to have a word with the management, Buster Brown. incorrect. You thought that was the famous line for the military courtroom drama? a Few Good Men?
I did. And I still do. I was looking for the truth. I told you the truth. you can't handle my privates. Ok. all right, very funny, very good, very good, All right.
Next up In the 1975 film Jaws, upon seeing the shark for the first time, Roy Scheider utters the unforgettable line, we're going to need a bigger shark. No. See, they saw the shark. he was so big, they thought they were going to need a bigger shark bag. think water. ocean. we're going to need a bigger ocean? Yeah, if you get a bigger ocean, it's going to make the shark seem smaller. then the joke would be on the shark. No.
Rebecca, we're going to need a bigger. we're going to need a bigger house. If we intend to start a family and intend to start a family, we do. three girls, three boys, and an adopted child of sex. Yet to be determined. Oh, no. all this talk about family made me forget to return my library books.
I was looking for a boat. then you should go to a marina. I'm not looking for a boat.
Red, you got to stop talking in riddles. the quote was, we're going to need a bigger boat, because the shark was so big, the original boat wasn't big enough. that sounds like a good movie. I'm about to see that one one day. you manage a Blockbuster and you haven't seen Jaws? No, I manage Blockbusters. we're a demolition company that specializes in destroying entire city blocks. In the 1989 film, Field of Dreams, Kevin Costner udders the line, if you build it, we will knock it down. What? that's a slogan for Blockbusters. if you build it, we will knock it down.
Look. Oh, very good. All right, that noise means it's the end of the round. you each have zero points, but same advances, because he seems to have a slightly better sense of what quotes are. Sorry, Rebecca. sorry for what? come on down, Sue. All right. Okay, it's time for the speed round. complete as many quotes as possible as fast as you can, and here we go. Houston, we have a. Arby's. No. I see blank people. two people. you and Rebecca. No. life is like a box of. dead people. may the force be. equal to mass times acceleration.
How do you know that? I'm not a dummy. I just haven't seen a lot of movies. why don't you come on a show called Real Quotes? I actually thought it was about fishing. fishing quotes? yeah, like we're gonna need a bigger boat. All right, you know what?
I'm done.
I can't even tear it. just stand here and wait for the buzzer. All right, and that's all the time we have on real quotes. until next time, here's looking at you, kid. you shouldn't be looking at kids, man. that is the quote from the movie. that is the quote from the movie. that is the quote from the movie. Thank you. |
dropout | yay_or_nay_are_videogames_art | Asking if video games are art is like asking if rock and roll is music. The answer is obviously, SHUT THE FUCK UP GRANDBUNN, GET OUT OF HERE! JUST GO EAT YOUR FUCKING PROODS AND DIE! I think the correct answer is who fucking cares? Anytime you spend worrying about this is time you could be spending playing video games.
When people say is blank art, what they're really saying is, I don't like this art. Just like when people say, I hate kids these days, what they're really saying is, I'm afraid of death.
Yes, video games are art. It's the genre of art I categorize with comics. Or movies or television. You know, art that makes you fat. Video game developers tell stories and create beautiful worlds for us to explore. Andy Warhol drew soup. Video games are not art. Unless you're playing Mario Paint. Video games are not art. Art is what you make after you're inspired by playing a video game. Take this picture of Samus Aran and Pikachu making out. This is art. The question we should be asking isn't, can video games be art, but can art be video games?
And the answer is yes. I beat the Scream by Edvard Munch. I beat it. The final boss was existential despair.
It makes sense that video games are art because I spend so much time staring at them, debating if my life has any meaning. We're lucky. We're witnessing the heyday of video games as an art form.
But in the future, it's going to be dusty and boring. Old people are going to pay 200 bucks to play Street Fighter II Turbo at the Met. Starcraft tournaments are going to be televised on PBS.
Lazy college students are going to major in video game history just because it's an easy major. I never know what to do in video games. I just wander around looking for food or a sense of purpose.
Just like at art openings. Crash Bandicoot is sort of the, you know, the Maria Abramovich of video games. You just sort of, you know, stare at it. This is Mountain Dew Code Red. Well, there you have it.
If you have an opinion about what topic we should tackle next week, let us know in the comments. Or just, you know, rant about Obama if you like. |
cracked | welcome_back_potter_cracked_behind_the_scenes | We're just finished shooting, just the second finish, the last couple shots of our Harry Potter series. One of the most exciting things about this series is that Star Wars was kind of like this but it was sort of uncontrolled, you're in the woods, all these locations are indoors and everything's very controlled. We are at the Glendale tap, a bar in Glendale that I've never heard of before, the one that I will be going to a lot in the future and then we've been here for two straight days starting at 6am and wrapping whenever this actual bar opens and that's when we leave. Unfortunately, we park at this bar and we shoot our alleyways scene, there's an alley down the street. It's on a steadicam, all one take, it's like a two minute scene with no cuts. It was the first time ever on a crack shoot that we've had police officers, anytime you shoot outside you're supposed to have cops that can like close down the street, we've never been that legit before. There's one yappy French bulldog who wouldn't shut up and we just thought we're going to have to live with it but then Gil, the producer, and one of the cops sniped in the door and they were like knock that fucking dog off, look it's a cop, we're shooting a stupid series and they've been in your backyard and they did, it's a dead dog now and we're going to die.
You follow kid chameleon? Damn it. Sorry, that's not the right line. That's only because I got magic dv, fucking shit. Sorry, everybody.
I think about snakes a lot, you know, and you could talk to them, did they think about me? Are you a snake boy?
I said yeah, we're real good. She did that kind of face that women do when they're like, I'm really into that.
Set behind us is the chapel, which is where Voldemort's lair is. A spooky church full of spiders and it's got like a dungeon.
And that's all decked out and we have like brought in kind of lobbers. I don't think they ever have any services here. Groups of children that look identical come and sing dissonant chords every single morning at sunrise and then they just flee.
One fact I just learned from a nice man walking his daughter around, they film a lot of porn here. Ron Jeremy's here a lot. They film like Frankenstein's bride style porn.
So have a good one. Tomorrow we're going to be shooting at my apartment, which we turned into an opium den. I say we and I really mean Chloe, production designer. She came in with all these like beer bongs and shit and like actual bongs that she just has these things at her inner storage space. So we're tapping into that.
My house is littered with drugs right now, fake drugs and real drugs and more, more real. No, yeah, more real drugs. It's like totally covered with Bob Marley posters, mushroom tapestries, and it just looks awful.
And someone knocked on my door because they're like, are you all right? I'm like, I don't know what that means, but it is at my place. So that's what you have to do if you work at Cracked.
The hope is that enough people like the show that we get to make another series of this. I will say I absolutely like know what happens next for like 10 more episodes. And it's all incredible. So I just really hope we get to make those everybody wanted for God's sake animals.
I'm not your savior. All the wizards are probably slaves now or dead or something. Jerry can make things the way that they were. I'm not your savior.
All the power in the world, and he uses it to calm knuckles. Donnie, show the gold.
All day, all day. I'm not your savior. The way of a wizard in exile is to be as a shadow. All day, all day. If I don't get my magic back, I don't know what I'll do. Have some beer. I'm not your savior. I'm pretty sure they think I'm some kind of drugging old man. All day, all day.
I got a drink in my hand. Chugging in another one. I think that's my plan. Yeah, yeah. We killing it for show. A little fun. Don't spill it on the flow. No. We. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_117_The_collapse_of_the_Brisbane_Broncos_with_Jharal_Yow_Yeh | Hello listeners, I'm Errol Parker, editor-at-large of the Batutah Advocate, and thank you for tuning in to today's special podcast. It's been a long time coming, but now is the time for Queenslanders to have a very hard conversation. On today's podcast, Clancy has made his way down to the brown snake to investigate and dissect the heartbreaking existential crisis of one of Australia's most esteemed and historically reliable institutions. No, it's not the Catholic Church or the Australian Labor Party. It's an organization that has brought far more joy to people. We are talking, of course, about the Brisbane Broncos.
At the time of this recording, the Broncos have just lost five matches in a row, including last week's humiliating loss to the ugly little brother from down the road at the Gold Coast. For those who refuse to believe that things were as bad as they were, the penny dropped when their own fans booed them at halftime, as they left the field trailing the Titans 22-zip. The unflattering records continue to break, such as the biggest margins in a loss, longest streak of match losses, and longest streak of seasons without a premiership. These are all new and unfamiliar lows for a club that used to win a premiership every two to five years, no questions asked. And their players, fans, and former greats have no idea how to process it.
This week, Clancy speaks to former Bronco Jeral Yauye for some insight into how the club got to where it is today. Jeral played for the Broncos from 2009 to 2012, in which time he also represented the Queensland Maroons, Australia, and the indigenous all-stars. That was until this promising young winger had his career cut short by one of the most most gruesome injuries seen on the football field in the modern era. A compound fracture to the leg against the Rabados in Round 4 of 2012 was described by the surgeon as a war or road trauma injury, not something he expected to see from Rugby League. Jeral talks to Clancy about all these things, from being tipped as the next Wendell, to having to take a job at the Broncos in their player welfare department, and having to watch from the sideline. Jeral Yauye formally resigned from Red Hill in March this year, so the gloves are off now.
This is what he's got to say. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Well, welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show. Recording from Brisbane this week. I've made my way down to the Brown Snake. It's Clancy Overall here. Of course, Errol Parker's back holding the fort in the newsroom in the Channel Country, but I've made my way down here.
I've got a few errands to run. I've got a few kids to see, you know, that I haven't been able to see in isolation. You know, I haven't been a very good flaky father.
So I'm back in Brisbane and I'm doing the right thing, and I thought while I was here I would address a news story, probably been a pretty big one in the River City. The slump, I guess, in Brisbane sport. So today, to talk about these particular issues and a range of other things, I'll be interviewing today's guest who's sitting in front of me, Jerrel Yehyeh, former Broncos icon, former Broncos player, and of course, former Broncos staffer.
Thank you for joining us today. No, Clancy, thanks for having me, mate. I really appreciate it.
Everything former at that club at the moment. Former. I mean... When did you hang up the lanyard? Ah, the lanyard, yes. Well, it did become that. It used to be the set of keys, but they've moved into the big building now over there at Red Hill and Fulcher Road. You had the keys to the city at one point. I'd like to think so. Never won a grand final, but they still gave them to me at that club. Yeah, hung the lanyard up in March this year.
Yeah, right. So, pretty weird time, to be honest with you. I mean, I was there since I was 17 years old, and 14 years of joy and happiness at that place, and yeah, it was pretty hard to see the back of it, but look, I'm here now at 98.9 FM and doing the drive show with myself and Tari, and yeah, I'm loving it. I'm loving radio. Yeah.
Well, you're always a bit of a media talent in every post-match interview we saw. You were always a bit more... You'd stray away from the actual template and the formula, which was full credit to the boys and game of two halves and dug in, done our best, back me self. You used to actually, you know, you used to get outside the box with me. Yeah, well, I think a lot of those football cliches were thrown around way too much in post-game media conferences and whatnot.
So, yeah, try to be the different guy, try to be the different person in the group, and I'm glad someone noticed. I'm glad someone noticed. Well, your new employers certainly did. Yeah, definitely.
That's the drive show on 98.9 FM, Brisbane Country Music Radio. Yeah, if you haven't tuned in, please do. We're on the search at the moment for the best cookie in Brisbane. She's on to me boat, she's on to me ute.
It's happy days at the moment. No, but seriously, honestly, very happy to be, well, I shouldn't say far away from that club at the moment.
It is pretty tough, like you mentioned. We will touch on a few things, obviously, in this talk that... This confessional. Yeah, this confessional of where the club's going, and I'm confused, because it's a tough chat for me, because, you know, I'm still so very, very involved with all of my friends at that club.
And it's something that I never wanted to be that player that left this club and bagged them. And I never will be, I'm not going to bag them.
I just like to speak the truth. And, you know, I did tweet something on the weekend that, you know, hurt a few people's feelings. Do you want to just go over that for those who didn't read? Yeah, I'll get me tweet up. Your late night tweet? My late night tweet that, you know, I thought, you know, it wasn't anything crazy. It was just what I thought. And personally, who I am as a person, what I would have done. And it wasn't as rough as anything a journalist would be tweeting.
No, definitely not.
And look, to anyone out there that thinks I'm a journalist, you can go shove it. I am not a journalist. I'm far from a journalist. A lot of people at the club when I was there, all those journos thought I was becoming one, but I'm myself and I'm not going to become one of those people.
I wrote, what I do as a player, right, this is straight after the game, against on the weekend against the Titans, what I do as a player right now, instead of talking and laughing with my opponents after the game, I go see the fans at a distance, obviously, say hello, wave to them, apologise, do whatever I got to do to say sorry to the people that make this beautiful club. That's just me, though. That's, you know, and that's come from my heart, because I do see, I don't know, there's a lot of people saying it's a culture problem. I see maybe not the baton being passed down to the younger players or this is who we are, as a Broncos team, and this is what we should be doing. And one of those was drilled into me and the great Darren Lockyer drilled this into us was, you know, we always go see the fans after the game, win, win, lose or draw. No matter if it's bad times. I made it very personal that I did that every game. And yeah, that after the game on the weekend, you know, going five and oh, it had nothing to do with the result. It was just, you know, the hurt that the fans had to, you know, there was 6000 people in there that the first time after we've had a lot of fans come back, just go do what our fans deserve and go say hello.
And, you know, at a distance, like I said, and apologize if you have to or wave to them, because that's all they want. I, you know, I talk to them regularly. That's all they care about. They want, they just want you to know that you care. And look, if it hurt anyone's feeling, I don't apologize, because that's, that's how I feel personally.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, now we'll go back, we'll get into that a bit later, the happenings in the club and where it's come to from your playing days. We'll go back to the start a little bit. You are North Queensland, Central Queensland?
Yeah, Rocky Boy. Rocky Boy. Yeah.
Rock Vegas, Emu Park on the coast of near Yeppoon, where my family was, resides from. And it's my grandfather's side, my South Sea Islander side of my family, and beautiful part of the world if no one's been up there. Get up there and have a look at it.
And Yaya is Chinese background. It is Chinese background. You wouldn't be the only player in the in the NRL or in rugby either code. Yeah, there's a couple and a lot of Chinese last names in the islands too. Most definitely. I mean, the cane farmers were obviously Chinese. They came over and brought a lot of Vanuatu people with them.
I think that's where the cross came in. Yeah.
Yee was a very famous name before I started playing rugby league. You know, my, I had a bit of heat on me from the start. Didn't realize my uncle Kevin was a superstar of a footy player.
He was tigers. Yeah. He was a tigers boy.
He played at Red Cliff also, which I despise. I never played at Red Cliff.
I'm a Norse devil's boy. But I heard a lot of great things about this man. Didn't know anything in, cause my, my grandfather's a very humble man as well. Doesn't like to, I suppose, talk up his family. And, and I think in a way he's, he's probably smart as well. He probably wanted to keep me a bit humble and, and not, you know, say, you know, our family is this trial or maybe not put so much pressure on us.
But as soon as I put a Bronco's under 20 shirt on, wow, the media came and, and came, came running fast and, and I was in my first photo shoot on my first day of under 20s kid. And it was a bit weird for me, but yeah, that's where the name came from. And from the start, like I said, I didn't know, you know, what I had ahead of me, but there was a lot of, a lot of history behind my name.
Yeah.
And then, so can you tell us a little bit, cause you, you were lucky enough as a Queenslander to play your whole club career in Queensland, but there was a close call there. You nearly, was it para? Yeah, it was a good close call. It was a good close call that, that probably was the best one of the best thing that ever happened to me actually.
I mean, I come out of Norse devils where I played all my junior footies and junior footy and senior footy. I played over 150 games from my, from my junior footy to senior footy at Norse and picked up when I was 16 years old to go to Parramatta in Sydney.
Lucky enough to be billeted out down there and go have a trial in, at the start of 2007, early late 2006, start of 2007. You know, I'm thinking this could be, this could be anything here.
And my grandmother was a, my late great grandmother was a, was an eel supporter. So happy lady, very happy lady.
So, and to me, it didn't matter. Like I didn't really care. I didn't really care where I was, but that opportunity was amazing.
I've had some, met some great people down there. I was down there with Daniel Mortimer at the time, he was coming through. Albert Kelly, superstar, you know, came through the game, he's obviously playing in England at the moment, but those were the type of kids I was billeted with. And it was, it was a pretty special moment. I was down there for probably three months and unfortunately got told that, yeah, I'm not big enough and I just probably wouldn't be good enough to play first grade.
Same thing happened to JT. Same thing happened to all of them.
Yeah, to the Bronco said that to him. Where are we? What were we thinking? Probably arguably the best, the best, one of the best hearts to ever play the game. So how did you respond to that?
Was that, was that you saying, well, I'm going to show you or is it, I'm going to get myself in front of some fresh eyes? Nah, it was definitely, I'm going to show you.
Yeah.
Look, I think from a young age as a indigenous kid growing up on the North side, I was probably always going to be behind. I know that sounds really weird, but you know, I was probably the only, um, Aboriginal kid at my school. So when he marries playing in the blue, definitely. So yeah, look, it was, yeah, I was, I was probably behind the eight ball shade away as you would put it in, but I loved it. I was told, yeah, like I said, from a young age, from a lot of teachers that I wouldn't, you know, wouldn't make it in anything.
And I think that just is who I've become. Um, I love negative feedback and that's how I drive. I thrive, I suppose. And that moment in my life, I went, am I going to sit around and kick stones or am I going to take action here and go prove to this man, these people, this club that they've just missed all that, missed out on the biggest opportunity they ever had. And that's where I went. And I was lucky enough to come back to Brisbane and my manager, Cole Davis, said to me, look, we've got an opportunity. And first, you know, being me, I said, Oh, you know, is there any money involved?
Nah, it's just a trial and trial and train at the Broncos. And I went, yeah, easy done. Let's do it. And then from there on, I, yeah, I met some of my life long best friends, Ben Hahn, Andrew McCullough, Josh Hoffman, Alex Glenn, Josh Maguire. I mean, the list goes on and on and on. And I trained the house down because yeah, I just think because you know, you're training with people who you want to train with one and you just love playing footy man. And that was my goal was to play footy. And after Christmas, the Bronx came to the table with a contract.
Have a guess. I don't know back then. Yeah, but it was 2007. So it would have been 2000, start of 2008.
I hope you're getting more than say the media. What's that? 80K? Well, this is a funny thing. This is, this is a lot of people don't know this story. Than the media advisor. Yeah.
Uh, I got, I got offered a thousand dollars a year to be at the Broncos and I took it and I said, yep, where do I sign? Where's my check? You know, give me the money now. So I did what any smart 18 year old would do is I went and bought a plasma screen TV and Xbox 360.
My mom was off me, but that's how it all started at the Broncos. That's exactly like, that's it.
And I missed the first round in under twenties. I played all the trial matches, missed the first round.
And I thought that's when I saw it hit rock bottom. I was like, what am I going to do? You know, is this it for me? But I just went, nah, stick it out.
Went back to Norse and yeah, played second round. Played every single game that year and was the highest try scorer in the comp 27 tries and 26 games.
Yeah, man. It just, I don't know. I just went really quickly. The time went like that.
Uh, like I said, if I couldn't have done it without the boys that were in my side, definitely not like that cliche we talked about credit to the boys for credit to the boys. And yeah, look, the bond I made with Benny Hunt was second to none. And if I didn't have that bond with him, you know, I probably don't score 20 of those tries that year. Uh, without, without him.
So yeah, I mean that, that was the start of my career at the Brisbane Broncos. You then went on to play 60 games for the Bronx. Yep. Three origins. Yep. Three Australia tests for Australia and three games for the all stars. So you got, you got a fair chunk of rep footy in there for, for a career. Of course.
I mean, um, a lot of our listeners will know how it ended was a compound, compound fracture and we, you know, a lot of people saw it on television. A lot of people saw it in the stands and it, and it has become a bit of a bit of folklore in the game. You now play the role as a case study for a lot of the young fellows as well.
Just to remember, it could be over, could be over in a minute. I mean, I wouldn't call you exactly booby miles, but you definitely, you know, you got some good footy in there, which is, which is great. We can't say it's a wasted talent because, you know, as a Queensland supporter, we, we relied on you and you delivered. Yeah.
Look, I, I enjoyed when I was playing footy, man, I just was enjoying fine footy. And that's the, that's the whole gist of why I started playing rugby league. I mean, I was a soccer player before I played rugby league and I'll get goosebumps talking about now because I just had so much fun playing that game.
And yeah, I just, if I've got anything to say to these boys that play these days is, you know, it could be over tomorrow. Like have fun, enjoy it. Don't take anything for granted. Make sure you give everything every single game because people think that this, these careers are long, man. They ain't, they ain't long.
But my mum always said to me, you know, do something properly. And that day in Perth, I broke my ankle properly. So she did say, do, do stuff properly. So yeah, it was, it's an enjoyable career, mate, honestly.
Can you just quickly go through, what was the initial thinking there? Was there a bit of booby miles? Like, you know, come on coach or come on doc, just tell me it's okay. Or you had to start thinking immediately about what's, what's happening next.
Yeah, look, I'm being pretty stubborn of the bloke I am. I wanted to give myself every opportunity to play rugby league again. But when that day came, yeah, I'm, I mean, I'm, I'm a realist and I knew that this is not going to be the thing that I do for the rest of my life now. And it obviously never is because you obviously play till you're 33-34, or if you're Cameron Smith, the 40. You know, you, you, you have those, I did have that moment and I needed to personally, for my sanity, go, all right, let's, let's wrap this up and then let's, let's figure out where Dralier takes himself from here. It was a hard, that was really, really hard decision to make because like any kid that plays this game or like anyone that in sports that thrive and try so hard to be the best in their field. That's exactly what I tried to do.
People talk about, you know, carpentry apprenticeships, you know, they go through a four year apprenticeship. Well, my apprenticeship was when I started playing at 10 years old. You know, that's a 10 year apprenticeship to get to where I got to.
So it hurts when they, you know, take your license off you, so to call, so to speak. I mean, and that's what happened to me and yeah, decided that it wasn't happening anymore. And where am I going to go now? And first I started an indigenous department at the, at the Broncos.
Really enjoyed that, but I just sort of wanted to expand and go, okay, Dral, what else, what else tools do you have in, in, in yourself? Like, what else can you do?
Media wasn't my big thing that I ever had. It wasn't at that point. Yeah, it was not, it was never something that I thought, you know, but I also knew there was an opportunity in the digital world that was going to grow that I was like, okay, should you try and do this? And if you do, if you fail, you fail.
But if you don't, you know, I believe I've changed a lot of stuff at that club digitally, how we created podcasts, how we created live segments, how we created different concepts for the players. And I mean, we knew how to give plans access to the players before you knew the players.
That's it.
And I've been there before. So now, you know, I created all that in a way and now I, I love talking. I don't know why, but I love it.
I hated it before. Like I couldn't talk to the, I could talk to the media, but I didn't like it. Now I, you can't shut me up.
You know what I mean? So that's where I wanted to go with it. So I'm very happy I did because I, I mean, I definitely wouldn't be here right now. Yeah.
You, you talk a little bit about getting into the Pathways program at the Broncos and helping, you know, kids come through, whether they be, you know, young Murray kids or, or, you know, you were working with everyone by the end of it. You were, I guess, an ambassador or a liaison to everyone, not just the black kids.
What do you say to people that talk about the baby Bronx at the moment? Like this idea of the baby Bronx.
I mean, you've left the Broncos early this year. You left the employment of the Broncos.
Is there still that feeling at red Hills? It's still the same old sleepy club. It was, you know, the Alfie's bar, Wayne Bennett, the King.
Do you feel any of that in there? And was it there when you were there? Oh, most definitely was there when I was there. Most definitely. And I'm not, that's Andrew arrogant the way I said that then I'm not saying that because I was there. It was there.
I'm saying I felt that when I was there, I would have to say personally, this has not got nothing to do with anybody else in the club, but what I feel personally in the last year and a half when I was there. Yeah. And lost a little bit of that. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I don't know how to explain that, but I just felt that this me saying this now is no one can, no one knows how I feel. I'm certainly saying exactly how I feel. I definitely feel like it was not the same when I was there and you say those names. Yeah. I don't feel that anymore. And that hurts me to say that because this club was built on some great, great people before us, before me, before the people that came before me, you know, I wanted to wear that number five Jersey week in and week out because I wanted to be better than Wendell Saylor. That was my goal. You know, maybe I was going down a path that I probably wasn't going to be, but I was like, I'm not going to, not going to stop until I try. I don't know if they feel, I can't speak for them, but what I see and what I feel is I'm not sure if they feel that anymore. Does someone want to be better than a Dralye? Yeah. Does someone want to, does someone want to be better than a Darragh Lockyer? Yeah. I don't know if they feel that anymore.
The things that are in the club right now is a big part is, you know, Alf's still around and he's, he should never have to leave that place because he created that place. And we, we talk about people come before us and players. The club is not a business made, made business from the Broncos. It is made by the people in it.
And when I think of the Broncos, I think of Alan Langer. I think of Sam Friday. I think of Jonathan, Justin Hodges. I think of Corey Parr. I think of Darragh Lockyer.
They're Broncos to me. What epitomizes a Bronco for me is when you get need in the face in your last game at Suncorp Stadium and you still play the last 15 minutes and kick a field goal for your team. Darragh Lockyer did that and that's a Bronco to me. And that's what a Bronco's mentality is. You know, Matchelet breaking his neck, told he shouldn't play again, but does for his mates and for the club. That is a Broncos to me.
And that's what I think we're probably missing a little bit of. I don't know if that's leadership. Those boys do have leadership traits, but you don't need to be a leader to have those traits.
You just got to have that ticker in you. And I see it, you know, when I watch Alex play, I see, I see it in him so much. He gives, he gives everything. He gives everything, whether he's going to fail or not, he gives everything, every game. And yeah, I'm getting really passionate right now, because I, I believe that's, I believe that's the thing that we've lost the most is, is what it means to be a Bronco.
Yep. Yeah. I mean, and Broncos always had a reputation as the, you know, they had a lot of one club players. Do you feel like there is a little bit of a high goons feeling in there now? No, most definitely a little bit. Yeah.
Because, you know, I watch boys leave the club that shouldn't leave the club. And I understand it's a business. That's what we talk about. That's what they talk about, but that's what Sydney clubs do. They call it a business. For me, when I was at this club, I never seen it as a business. I always seen it as the most loyal club.
And that's what I suppose created me to be a loyal person. I signed my first contract at a thousand dollars. And I said to Pete Nolan, when I signed it, this is, you better just keep them coming. Cause I ain't going anywhere. Just keep the contracts coming. I'm not leaving its face. I'll stay here forever. And I'm a person never go back on my word. I would have stayed there till the death.
And I feel like sometimes we just, we're, we're not doing that now. It's, it's, it's changed because apparently we have to change, you know, I don't think we have to, I think if we went back to the model we had back in 88, we'd still be as good as we are now, but yeah, that's, that's where I, you know, yeah. You know, you can tell I'm very passionate about this place and I just want to see it succeed. And I just don't, everything I've said is how I think you fix it, but there's so many other people that know how to do it as well.
You do seem to be rather kind on those fans that booed the team at halftime on the weekend. You've been pretty kind to them, but Tudor just published a story was a walk in here saying, you know, the Broncos are under fire from their fans who demand a team that's made up of 80% of the origin side. That's what they expect. And it feels like, you know, it's a bit like that last dance and people hate making comparisons to the Chicago Bulls and sporting around, but it felt like a constitutional right that we'd get a premiership every two years, every three, every five years. And the team would be made up of origin players who would win origin every year. Do you think there is a feeling of, you know, maybe the Broncos fan should just appreciate what a slump is for the first time in the club's history, where they, where they, you know, you can look down at the bunnies, they were so shit, they got kicked out of the comp.
You know what I mean? And the, the eels, for goodness sake, it's been a long time coming for them. Yeah, most definitely. And yeah, I think we should be, you know, I think our fans should obviously be with us in the hard times. If that's what you're saying, most definitely don't just ride the highs with us, ride the lows as well. And the reason why I get the fans is because I've been on both sides of the fence now, cause I am a fan now, you know, I get what they feel, you know, and they won't like me saying this, but when you're a footy player, you see this, you see one thing, you don't see anything else. You don't see whatever's, you know, here. You just, you go to training and you think you're in your own world. You know, you think you've got time for no one else. Well, there's something that you don't remember, boys, is I was a footy player once. We have all the time in the world. Do you know what I mean? Like we, we, we leave training and there's like so much time to do things to, to get into trouble. Yeah. Well to get in trouble, that's what we freaking do a lot of the time as well as rugby league players.
But yeah, I get our, I understand what you're saying with the fans and yeah, they need to, there's probably a precedent with time that we got to go, Hey guys, that's, that's enough as well. But I also get where they're coming from. So I just want it from both sides. I want the fans to be nice and I want the boys to address what they're doing as well and the club. So that's what I'm saying.
Yeah. Can you tell us a little bit about like, as we were talking about before, those, those, those people that made the, the club, what it is, you also were part of some other, you know, great institutions of rugby league, namely the origin morons, you know, the Queensland origin side, what was it like, but you know, you played with some greats of the Bronx, but by the time you got to play origin, you, you were in the streak. You were in the eight year, eight in a row. Yeah. I was lucky enough to be in number six. I was pretty willing. I was going to be in number seven as well, obviously without my injury, but yeah, to be a part of like, I actually had this conversation with my friends two weekends ago at a, at a dinner that we, we went, we have every, me and my mates do this dinner every month. And we, we talk about, yeah, we just talk about our lives, but I had this conversation to my close, close mates about that'll probably never happen again, that series, you know, that, that, that IP. Yeah. And like, I'm going to be one of those people that will always be a part of that, which is like, which blows my mind.
But when you talk about origin and you talk about a team, it's something that it's really hard to explain. You go back to a lot of media interviews with players that talk about origin.
They'll do exactly the same thing I'm doing right now. It's hard to explain because you've got to be a part of it to be, to, to know. And there's always that just feeling that it's just like, I'm so comfortable here. You're so comfortable with, and that's probably what it's like in New South Wales as well. You know, don't take anything away from, they've, they've been outstanding for the last couple of years as well. But that time where we were a part, where I was a part of that, it was different. Did it feel like nothing could stop the train?
Yeah. That's what I mean.
Like it was different. It was like, we would go to training, we'd do some conditioning and used to go to Bronco's training run and do conditioning. People would miss and you'd be like, an extra, extra.
No one ain't missing, man. No one's missing in these, in these, um, representative sides.
So you're, you're finishing that in 20 minutes when it used to be an hour session. You're going into your thingy, righto boys, we need to do this. If we execute, we're off the field. 15 minutes, execution done, get off.
And then you've got obviously your boys who stay on the field, do extras, which is everybody. There's not just some people doing extra. Not just Cameron Smith. Yeah. Every single person is doing extras and it becomes an extras training session. It doesn't become a, it doesn't become a, you know, we do this set, this set, you know, this training session, it becomes an extra training session. And I couldn't believe how crisp and clean playing footy with them was like timing, cohesiveness, you know, the brotherhood that you had contact at training, how aggressive it was because you, we knew if, if we had led off at training, we wouldn't be putting it in the effort on the, in the game. So everything was intense to game intensity.
Yeah.
It was like, every time we played, it was just like, I feel so sorry for New South Wales right now, because we're about to tell you boys, you know, we're about to absolutely pump you and you don't even know. And that's exactly what it was like when I played the series. Like we probably, the second game in my series, we were very, we probably went down there not as confident. We were, we were just a bit off and that wasn't anything to a training.
I think travel has a lot to do with it when you, when you play that game, the hype is so big, man. And like the sea of blue down there was huge. So the crowd play a big part. Like I have to say that as well. And it was pretty scary to play in front of, you know, all those blue supporters. But it also gave you a drive.
We didn't lose by much. Jared Hayne had an outstanding, he played his skin out that game, but we just knew it was Locky's last game when I played that series. There was no way we were losing that last game. Well, we ended up beating them 34-24. I think we were like, I think we were 24-6 up at halftime and we put the cue in the rack, like just some cruise control boys.
And we just, you know, that's, it sounds weird, but it just felt like you just were never going to get beaten with that side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That siege mentality you hear about it quite a bit.
And we actually spoke, asked this question of, of Soward the other day and he said, Jamie Soward said, I asked him who was the most competitive animal you ever played with? I mean, you know, obviously in the wake of the last, the last dance, you know, who was the Jordan? I mean, obviously it's hard to compare anything to that, but who was the animal?
And he said it was, for him, it was finchy, which surprised me. I think it often does surprise people who, who that person is behind the scenes. Well, you know why you think that? Because Brett Finch is a footy player. I think that people love, but he's always the jokester. I think he's always the guy that's off the field. Cause I, if I'm calling someone to go have a beer with, you know, in the New South Wales, I was probably Brett Fridge, to be honest. Like I think it's the change of mentalities when people walk over that line that you don't see, you know, and I could see where Soward's coming from there. He's an angry, like he would play with more anger than he does, you know, skill, I think, you know, and that's just who he was. And you could tell when he came, you know, that, that game, he came and kicked that field goal. Like I've heard that story. I've heard him tell me that story so many times I'm over it, but you know, he, he didn't get called into like the day before for that game.
And it just shows how much someone like him wants it. And, and, and yeah, is willing to wear it. Yeah. We're willing to, to fix it. You know, cause people would come in and go, well, I'm going to set myself up for failure. I don't want to play, you know, where he doesn't care. He's, he's just, he's all in or nothing. That's the type of person he is. And yeah, I can, I can see where Soward would come from with that.
Who would you say of who you played with? Man, if we're talking exactly like Jordan and look, I don't, I'm going to hate saying this because if he hears this, his head's going to explode, but it's, it's definitely Justin Hodges for me. Justin Hodges will talk shit when he's 20 down, you know, he just won't, it's, it's easy to talk when you're up, like Michael Jordan says, it's easy to talk that talk when you're, when you're up in the field, but when you're down, it's, it's so much harder to do that. That's who, that's what Justin Hodges was. That's who Justin is, Justin Hodges is.
And that's why everyone hated him from New South Wales because he talked the talk man, he walked the walk and he just wanted to win all the time. And you can put so many people in this category. But the reason why I put Hodgo in is because I'm more, I was the closest to him all the time. I heard him spray people so many times.
They're not coming back from that. No, no. And, and like, and even spray them, even when he loses, you know, it's like, you know, you're never going to be as good as me.
Like, who are you? You're a bum, you know, and people know this about Hodge, you know, people know this about Hodge. So that's a person who I always knew was like, like MJ and he loves MJ as well.
That's probably why he's going to get a big head if he hears this, but he was a guy because you want to go to war with him. He'll fight someone for you. He'll stand up for you. The thing in his brain is I couldn't care less about anything. He'll spray me.
He just wants to win a footy game. That's what he wants. He's just a winner. And that's what he wants to do.
And you could say that about Darren Lockyer, but they just weren't as lippy. You know, they just formed, you know, zoned in and just did their jobs. But yeah, for me, it's, it's, it's definitely Hodge.
Were you in the first All-Stars? Yeah, I was in the inaugural All-Stars.
So you said, you know, your dream was to be better than Wendell or be, be the next Wendell. And what was it like to get to play at the Dell? It was really... He scored the first try and did the didgeridoo on the, on the post. You know what? It's, it's really funny because I played the year before that in 2009, was my first, my debut year. And I played against him and he played at the Dragons.
And all I could think about is... That was when he had his OJ look going on. Yeah, yeah, Hodge. All I could think about is like, you know, he's going to have, he's going to have something to prove here.
I've got his number on my back. I've got his jersey on my back.
Like, I need to beat this guy. I got to beat this guy.
Fortunately enough, we won that game. I don't see, I don't think we've seen each other enough through the game to really show that potential of who was better.
But I thought about that a lot. And then when I got put into the camp, I was number 17. So back then it was a voting system, how you get picked. And I'd only played one year in first grade, man. And I was, I think I was something like number nine on the list for voting.
That is great. I like that system where you just let the, just let the mob chooses by it. Exactly. That's what happened. And I was like, how the hell am I in this team? You had enough cousins, that's why. The brothers and the aunties and the cousins and the sisters and the, you know, like that's, that's how it was. The mob just loved you. So, you know, that's how I got voted in, to be in this game.
And yeah, to be, to be, and Preston Campbell was my idol. So for him to be the captain for me, it was like, I was like a school girl. I couldn't talk to him. But that, that, that, that moment, yeah, when I did meet Wendell properly and, and got a lot of, asked him a lot of questions about the club and, you know, what drove him and things like that. And, you know, everyone's got their own personal drive and a lot was his, was family for him. And yeah, probably for me as well was that, but it was also that he would be at the Broncos before. And I was like, man, I love you, but I want to be better than you because that's the mentality I had. And, you know, he probably wouldn't have mind if I told him that I never did. But, you know, that's, that's a mentality I had coming through.
Yeah. The game. Now you mentioned Fernie Grove, FG baby, and then Norse devils. And you said you weren't playing with many Murray kids and then particularly in Parramatta. I mean, obviously All-Stars was, you played with the entire crowd of Koori footballers, but until your origin start, like that, would that have been the, you know, the, the, the first time you played with a team that was like almost majority, I mean, not including Rocky or was Rocky the same? No, no, no. It was, yeah. So like origin was pretty much like the origin side that I played with. It was like a, yeah, it was like an Aboriginal side.
I mean, Hodger was my center. Sammy was my second rower. Then you got JT, GI, who else was, now Mango, yeah, Mango was around, but he wasn't.
And I will, we basically, they call Nate Miles a black fella. He's from, he's from uptownsville way. So yeah, he, he was always hanging out with the black fellas. So we just, we just, we, we claimed him. We claimed him, but yeah, it was, I don't know, man. Like I was lucky enough at North actually to have a few PNG boys that I, you know, and that was cool for me. I mean, culturally didn't really matter, but it was, you know, like, Oh, but you know, we're both black fellas and I didn't, I don't, I didn't seem to see it as race, I suppose. I just seen it as like, you know, whatever, whatever brother I see is, it's a brother.
And that made me feel comfortable to be at North as well. And that's why I moved to North from, cause I first started at West Arana, but she didn't feel as comfortable there. And when I went over there, it was a lot of black fellas and it was, man, it was, it was fun. That's why I stayed at North man.
Like, that club is, yeah, well, it'd be close to say they saved my life. Like I had a lot of bad stuff, you know, you know, family around where I used to live in Kupera and wasn't that flash hot back then it was a lot of crime. There was a lot of, you know, drugs and stuff like that. So yeah, to, to, to find rugby league and to find that club, you know, yeah, it was, was, was a really cool experience.
And, uh, I'd never looked back. I mean, I love, I've still got my very first North Devils jersey I ever wore. You know, it's at my grand, I leave it with my grandparents and, um, I had number six on, I can't believe I played in the half, so I don't know why. I think it was just cause I was fast.
We didn't pass back then, you know, because there's no way in the world they picked me from my ball skills. There's no way.
So yeah, I've still got that jersey. And even when I played Origin, they gave you a jersey for your club and they, your training jersey and they put their, they put your club colours on it. Yeah, right. Yeah. So that was, that was pretty cool. I still got that jersey as well. And when I have mates over and we have a beer, um, It comes on. Well, I've got, I've still got all these jerseys, right, that I haven't framed yet that I'm slowly getting rid of trying to get, you know, I've got a few framed, but we call it a jersey party at my house and I just give everyone a jersey.
And one of my mates came over, a guy that came over the other day, hadn't seen for a while and I gave him my origin jersey to put on and he was like, nah, I can't wear that. You haven't washed it. No, it's washed, but I haven't washed it since I've been wearing it at jersey parties. Oh, it smells worse.
Well, thanks for joining us today. It's interesting to get some insight into, I mean, it's not, we're not just, this isn't clickbait. This isn't Buzz Rothfield shit. We, we, it is a phenomenon. What's happening in the Broncos right now because it, because it's out of character and it's great to get some insight from inside the tent or recently inside the tent and definitely from inside the locker rooms once upon a time. Yeah. Look, I just got to say before we go, before we finish it up, I've got full faith in this side of turning around and in the side of self.
Like I have a lot of faith in every single one of my friends there that, that play footy there. They're all great people. They're all great blokes. Unfortunately, they're just been, they're being shown in the light of how they're playing rugby league. They're all great people or awesome people.
They're just in a really, the club is in the worst place it's ever been. And there was probably going to be a time when this was going to happen, but unfortunately right now, it's just why they're there.
So boys, if you listen to this, if anyone at the Broncos fans that listen to this, stay strong. We're in this together. I mean, I'm not hiding. I'm definitely not hot. I'm still wearing my Broncos gear around. And when I say something, you know, I'm going to mean it. And it comes from, it comes from the heart for me. So stay strong. Everyone with your Broncos fan, we're going to get out of this.
We'll be okay. Yeah. Bronx nation isn't dead. No, it's not. Thanks for joining us, mate. No problem. |
TheOnion | First_Neuralink_Implant_Recipient_Successfully_Performs_Depraved_Sexual_Acts_On_Elon_Musk | The first Neuralink implant recipient has successfully performed depraved sex acts on Elon Musk. In an astounding medical breakthrough, neurosurgeons at the Brain Microchip Company confirmed that they had observed the patient servicing Musk in a multitude of outright filthy ways they never would have agreed to otherwise. By sending just a few electrical signals to the patient's brain, researchers were able to get them to stand up, zip themselves into a latex suit, and immediately begin going to town on Mr. Musk's testicles while simultaneously defecating on his chest. Neuralink surgeons were initially concerned given the company's limited success with monkeys, but they are now confident this could soon change the way billionaires are pleasured forever.
Congress has passed a $55 billion infrastructure bill that will be used to fill in the holes their angry boyfriend punched in the nation. After waking up to find significant damage done to the nation's transportation system, electrical grid, and other public utilities, Congress immediately approved a motion to quietly patch up the thousands of miles of roads and bridges their boyfriend put his fist through last night after drinking a six-pack of beer by himself. Republican Senator Bill Hagerty, who co-sponsored the bill, took the blame for upsetting Justin, who found out about Congress casually getting drinks with their ex last week and, quote, overreacted. Congress went on to assure the American public that Justin is actually a really sweet guy who felt super bad the following morning and has promised never to cause billions of dollars in damage to the United States ever again.
As a mother of a 10-year-old boy, I know firsthand just how dangerous video games can be. Not only are they addictive and isolating, but they can teach our children to mimic toxic and sometimes deadly behaviors. And my Michael was no exception. Video games radicalized my son to run around and pick up coins.
And now, his life is ruined. It started out small. At first, Michael would pick up a nickel here or there and yell woo-hoo, but then things started to get more extreme. He'd become so desensitized that he would sprint down the street pointing at the coins, jumping on the coins, and spinning around in a circle when he held the coins. That's when I knew something was very, very wrong.
I tried everything to stop it, taking away his coin purse, hitting him over the head to scatter his coins. I even tried crushing him with a barrel to steal his coins. But every time, he just went out and did it again.
One afternoon, I got the call that I'd been dreading my entire life. It was the police. They said they had my son, that he had entered a grocery store and had done the unthinkable. Michael had gotten his head stuck in a coin star machine. But what had I done? What kind of boy had I raised? When they took him to the station, all he could say was, game over, and wah-wah-wah-wah.
I will always love my son, but I barely recognize him anymore. And if I could, I would ban video games forever to protect kids like Michael from ever having to see a coin in the first place. |
cracked | worst_performance_review_ever | We were seriously harsh on my porno buzz, man. Would you calm down?
It's just a performance review. Just a performance review? Just a performance review that dictates whether or not I'm going to have a career.
Michael, it's a big deal. What's the worst that could happen? So you go back to the east coast, start eating sand and dry humping statues for money. Nobody does that. You'll be fine. Or you won't. Whatever. This is boring.
Well, what was your performance review like? Strippers were a little squeamish. And I would have preferred an adult tiger instead of an adolescent, but other than that, it was pretty average. See, now I don't know if you're misinformed as to what a performance review is or if the chief actually uses strippers and tigers.
Yeah, you never can tell with me. But see, that's how unprepared I feel. I have no idea what to expect for this.
For my first bonus, he made me sleep outside for a month. For my interview for this job, he made me kill a guy. Like straight murder a guy.
I mean, he had one of those black bags over his head, but you could still hear him screaming. Yeesh. He was begging. Listen, Dan.
Just remember the three rules, confidence, preparation, and thoroughness. Also numbers. You gotta have enough. What numbers?
What do numbers have to do with a performance review? We still talking about your performance review? I moved on to my barbecue. You scheduled a barbecue during my performance review?
Dan. Come on. You don't know how these things happen. Wires get crossed, miscommunication, scheduling burgers, mistakes get hot dogs, chips, coal. Are you just naming things from a barbecue now? F***ing Dan. Chief is gonna see you now. Dammit! Hey, hey. If you get nervous, just remember, the chief once punched a guy in the d*** so hard that the guy's kids were born afraid of the chief. That's not comforting at all.
Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here. Man with the spatula. Barbecue. Earlier, I know, but his hotlings go fast. They're his specialty.
Did everybody know about this but me? Wanted to see me. Oh, what the hell?
I mean, uh, hello, sir. Chief. Are those the forms I told you to fill out? Yes. Yes, they are, sir.
Throw them away. You're tied, too. In the shirt. Lose them. Now I want you to take this marker and draw a target on your forehead. No hands.
Hey, can I have another sausage? By sausage, you mean f***ing them, maybe later. Uh, although actually if you mean sausage, later too, because I just ran out.
So I guess no all around would have been a good answer. You're disgusting. Can I just have a turkey burger whenever? That burger you mean, f***ing by turkey, you mean... I'm sorry, could we... No. I'm gonna keep doing this until I remember why I called you in here.
I can just tell you. Huh! What's wrong with you? Oh, yeah. Right. Oh, that's bisexual harassment. You mean my junk in your mouth.
I'm leaving. Alright, take care. Drive safe.
Jesus! Took long enough. Did you enter the cave of trials? Yeah. I did. Yes, yeah.
And what did you find? You know what I found in a freaking cave. Me? I found me in a Darth Vader costume in a freaking cave. How the hell did you even do that?
You are on the path to learning. I had to fight myself. It was exhausting. I know all my moves and my weaknesses. I chipped a tooth just... just on a rock, just on a the tooth just just on a rock completely unrelated to fighting did you get the idol I had to watch me beg for my own life before I killed me did you get the idol yeah I got your good good hey Mike man can I have seconds or are we waiting for someone no I think we're oh wait t-bony t-bone you eat t-bony we're fine yeah I saw him struggling I heard him calling out to me and I just froze and a big wave came he was gone that concludes the worst thing you've ever done portion of the review you're trying to go I passed you like my work Oh Brian this never had anything to do with your work your partners on every dangerous most wanted and sexually unpredictable list in America and for some reason you're the only one you can work with for more than five minutes I just wanted to see if I could figure out why and what did you no idea you seem like a pussy to me but if I lose you who would watch Michael I guess the government not an actual question Oh Brian yes sir thank you very much yeah that was well it's all over now and I worked up kind of an appetite so what's on the ground actually gave our last hot dog to that gentleman that guy he didn't even work here I've never seen him before yeah I also gave him your computer damn it |
dropout | bleep_bloop_pinball | You know, life is about more than just video games. It's also about pinball. I'm Jeff Rubin, this is Pat Castles, and today we are at the classic pinball.com headquarters where the owner, Kevin, is going to take us through the evolution of pinball. Harry Maddox is the actual dude who invented the flipper and used it in all these pinball games. He is the father of the flipper.
Wow. You can't use your hand. Most of the time the ball will fall in there, it takes away from the flippers, and it tends to go out a lot on the sides. The thing with this game is, if you're playing it and you're not winning, and you get really angry, they can't really get mad at you because you're just kind of like getting into character.
During the war, they shut down the pinball companies to stop making machines. Why? Because they were going to chip in for the war effort. Wizards, you're saying the war was more important than pinball? They retooled the factories, and they made machine gun parts, and they actually made parachute harnesses. And they would parachute pinball machines into the Third Reich until they were liberated, and that's the story of World War II. You know, this dark night pinball takes on a special significance.
How many new pinball games come out every year? Lately, they're lucky if three new models come out a year. I'm just fascinated that they chose to make one of their three machines themed Dale Jr. What are we looking at here?
This is a, it's called Broker's Tip, it's a godly that was made in the thirties. They're known as pre-flipper games. No flippers, obviously.
It would conceivably go around here, down into here, and then up into here if you're lucky. Right. A lot of them did this figure eight. And then all the way into the two thousand point hole here. Well, maybe. Well, if I'm rolling, if I'm rolling.
So pinball was illegal for a time. Because of the gambling association. Organized crime, juvenile delinquency. And in the forties, it was illegal. Until the seventies? Roger Sharp, in 1976, had to go before the city council to actually demonstrate the skill versus chance factor in playing pinball to get them to okay and re-legalize them. Was anyone ever jailed for pinball? Is there someone on the record? |
dropout | fruit_beasts_vs_veggie_monsters | Hey, Nathan, did you see the Hot Dog Bug movie yet? It's this crazy thing. I get there, I wait for hours, and as soon as it's my turn in line, it's sold out. While I'm waiting in line, there is just like a three-foot-tall imp just wailing on my buttocks. Attention cartoonists, in Sector 7F, Level 18 of the Lost Artist Colony.
Hey! It is I, Managar, overseer of your despair, here to tell you that once again, you are needed. Alright! Feels good to be needed. Anyway, we got a cartoon request. Okay. This one is coming from a young demon. He's a good kid. He's really working on ways to get like bugs in places you didn't think bugs could be. Sure.
The guy's name is London, and he has requested, um, draw fruits versus vegetables. Fruits versus veggies is so primal. It's a classic rivalry. I want to draw fruit. Ooh, okay. I never cared for veggies in my time on Earth.
Now, anything water-based would be great. Yeah, even a cactus. I would kill for a cactus down here.
Oh, we're gonna make you do that later. Oh, okay, yeah, I saw the banners you were printing up for that, and I was confused, but now it makes sense. It's like our Toyota-thon. Um, so this show, I mean, it can't, because fruits and vegetables, right, they're not, they're not doing a whole lot on their own, so I think we've got to use our, uh, creative license maybe to, to ambulate these- Pump a little juice into it. These plants. Hey, there it is. How do you want to personify them? What if they were collectible? Oh. You know, we're, we're in hell. We're trying to make something that's gonna sell. We've been leaning too heavily on actual good show. Yes. I think we need to think about merchandise. It's true.
That's, I mean, like hot dog bug is a perfect example. I can't go a block down here without seeing some young demon wearing like a, like a hot dog bug shirt, hot dog bug hat, hot dog bug. It looks like pants, but there's extra legs. I don't- Oh, the kids call those wrigglers. Wrigglers? Yeah. Listen, it's, I'm an old soul, so to speak, not that I have one, but like when I see these demons walking around, I'm just like, pull up your damn wrigglers. Hey, better to wriggle in hell than serve in heaven. That's what I have to say. You have modded this pineapple.
Normally they don't have these things. I don't- No, they don't.
I'm sort of doing a, a combo tropical fruits monster. Oh, those are like banana arms. These are some banana arms and legs.
So you think there's like a fusion element. I think maybe, maybe we should think of it from a flavor perspective.
All right. So I think like, yeah, fruits versus veggies, our world, your mouth, is the tagline. Caldwell, I really, I feel good about this one. I think maybe we might earn our freedom with this one.
So what I'm thinking is that this is like a health-based version of like a pocket monster show. It's like you and your friends battle fruits and veggies and the loser has to eat the fruits and veggies. So it's giving a competitive, gamified version of eating healthy. We're playing into the fact that eating healthy is not desirable.
Right. Yes. So, so it is the loser that has to eat healthy. Well, I think that like this game will work on kind of like a rock paper scissors mechanic. It'll be very even sided who wins and who loses. Like it's more about having fun. So one side is always fruits and one side is always vegetables. Yes, Manigar. You're right. I think you've got team fruit and team veggie and you got to designate a team for yourself early on. And when you, the person who loses has to eat healthy fruits and or vegetables. Yes.
Like if you are a champion, you are just like overweight and bloated and probably developing juvenile diabetes. If you're the champion of fruits versus veggies, you are king gout and, and it is a title that all children will seek to hold. That's actually, if you translate my name into Enkin, that's actually, it's ironic. It's, it's a weird coincidence. We're taking it back to kind of a classic medieval look at success, which is the fattest and least healthy. That's how you know, like that person is rich and wealthy beyond all measure. Because I do think that there will be monetized tournaments for this and like to add to the collectible element, this is going to be, these are going to be real fruits and veggies.
Oh, sure. So they're going to go bad very quickly, so you're going to have to keep buying them. All right.
I think this is, this is a tackery. That's pretty good. How does it actually attack? I mean, have you ever touched a pineapple? It's true. It's armor rating must be super high. I mean, it's got its, it's a banana peel, arms and legs to cause slipping. Oh shit. It's kind of a slippery juice. I know that's just the leafy bit at the back there, Nathan, but it does look like it's got like a rocket, but oh yeah, it for sure can propel itself. But propulsion. Oh, nice.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We ain't got the animation budget for that. My pin just vanished weird. It's just been replaced with these wriggling worms. Yeah.
This was just an episode preview. So how do people see the full episode?
It's easy. You go to dropout.tv and sign up for dropout. I forgot about the internet.
The closest thing we have down in hell is that large bat that you whisper a wish to. That bat always bites me. Now you must do your best to eat me in one sitting. Wait, what? |
dropout | 5_food_innovations_we_desperately_need | Hi there. My name is Caldwell, and I love eating. Like, a lot. I think it's partially because I have an abnormally large mouth, and also because I'm a huge pathetic slaw baby with shockingly little self-control. And while I think food is great, the ways we consume it can be improved upon immensely. I mean, just look at ketchup packets. They're like a saucy landmine, and the worst part is you're only getting four to five fries per packet tops. Ugh. So, with that in mind, I'd like to propose these five food innovations that we all desperately need.
First on the list, the Sriracha Syringe. Srirange. Yeah, there we go. Basically, it's just a Sriracha bottle with an ultra-thin, spicy needle that's perfect for injecting flavor deep within your food.
Now I can finally pretend my hamburger is a high school running back looking to shave a half second off their 40 time, and they'll do whatever it takes to make that happen. It's also great for pranking your friends. Which is always a plus. Next up, it's F-F-FRAZY CHEESY. These tiny frozen dairy darts are perfect for neutralizing the hot molten core of your favorite foods. Tired of waiting for that triple cheese and gravy hot pocket to cool?
Just plunge a few of these fat boys deep into a cheesy chasm, and it'll cut your weight in half. That's, that's weight as in time, not weight as in body mass. I just figured I'd clarify, you are going to get super fat from eating all of this. It's a scientific fact that tacos own super hard. But regardless of their quality, they're a rudimentary food delivery system at best.
Which is why we need edible sewing thread or threadables. Now, more than ever, dissolvable surgical stitches already exist. So by the transitive property of science, inventing a new type of melt-in-your-mouth meat base thread should be a piece of queso. Just make sure to remove the needle before eating.
When it comes to messy meals, the burrito is the prime offender. Which is why number four on our list is the burrito diaper. Burritos are basically babies already. They're super messy, they fit in the palm of your hand, and you have an irrational love for them despite their many, many flaws. So let's solve this mouth riddle by swaddling our ritos with a leak-proof, extra absorbent, second tortilla.
Hot damn! Just call me Jonathan Swift, because that baby's ready to eat.
If you're watching this video, chances are good that at one point or another, you've probably eaten an entire meal over your computer. God knows I have. At this point, my keyboard is basically just a food graveyard for every lonely man meal I've ever eaten. I mean, I guess I could stop eating over my laptop, but then how the hell would I ever catch up on all the shitty anime I watch while my girlfriend's out of town? The better solution is obviously to use a double-decker keyboard keeper. Sure, your life is still miserable and hollow, given, but at least now, your keyboard is crumb-free. Take that judgmental employee at the Apple Genius bar, ha!
So that's all the innovations I have. If you've got any more ideas, leave them in the comments so I can steal them and include them in my product pitch to each pole.
Thanks for watching. Now, if you'll excuse me, my dinner's ready. Oh, fuck! Hot! Oh, shit, it's so hot! I proved my own point! God damn it! Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe to College Humor and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the laughs. |
cracked | how_to_kill_your_friends_with_special_effects_cracked_goes_there_with_robert_evans | I'm Josh Sajak from Cracked. I'm here at Amalgamated Dynamics to get killed by a tentacle monster. My name is Alec Gillis. I'm the co-owner of the Creature Effects Studio Amalgamated Dynamics Incorporated. We're going to attack Josh today with tentacles to create the illusion of a vicious and horrible slithering death. We'll be using two different types of tentacles. We've built these tentacles that are self-supporting that they're about eight feet long and an operator can whip them around and twist them and turn them and you get quite a bit of life out of them. Then we have these floppy tentacles, which is this bundle of creepy squirmy tentacles that we will use reverse photography for and this is where we'll attach them to Josh's face and whip them out of frame and then when you look at that in reverse, they're actually and then of course, there's there's some there's some blood to Let's have a hand for Josh Hey, thanks for watching this video where I got killed by tentacles Please leave a comment saying what else you would like to happen to me or a different cracked editor You can go see Harbinger Down, which is the movie Tom and Alec made. It's coming out on Netflix on November 1st Happy Halloween, and this is my alien toy |
cracked | 4_stupid_horror_tropes_you_never_noticed_yboc | Hey there nerds, it's me, overpowered Mary Sue, final girl, Dr. Jordan Breeding, serving up yet another episode of Your Brain Uncracked, the only show that's spent real money harnessing the power of computer-generated imagery for almost literally no reason, and the only show on crack that hates practical effects. What is that, like a bat? Ah! Just put it right there, Caleb. Whoa! Got me.
Now, the great responsibility part of my great power is that I'm often forced to peer into the depths of hell and report my findings, and by hell, I mean shitty horror movies. And by findings, I mean shitty horror movie hot takes. Shitty movie horror hot takes? Shitty, why hot take a movie like? Look, ever since Gene Roddenberry saw, invented the whole genre, horror movies have become one of Hollywood's main festering staples.
And though they typically focus on unhinged lunatics with a shocking lack of respect for personal privacy and the rules of the road. Maximum terror. Ah! Many of the actual movies themselves rigidly adhere to a few specific and surprisingly inflexible laws. Laws as rigid and inflexible as the corpse of my uncle Jeff.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Debatably, the first fiction film literally ever created was a comedy about getting sprayed in the face and smacking a young boy right in his butthole. So it's not a surprise how quick the logic leapt from what if movie but scary, to what if movie but scary and stupid? fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Thusly, horror comedy was boring. Buttholes included. Fast forward about a hundred years and the genre has evolved again. Now it's movies, but scary, but stupid, but boobies.
When the sun goes down, things really start to heat up. It goes for whatever reason.
If your zombie film is supposed to be one of the fun ones as opposed to the serious and important ones, you better believe it's gonna have zombie strippers all up in it. Now, obviously there are entire movies where that's literally the whole point. Like Zombie Stripper, Stripper Land, All Cheerleaders Die, Legends of the Guardians, the Owls of Kahul, and other movies.
We all have agreed to pretend we never saw. I need you to stay here with your friends. But don't. Unfuck these owlets.
But I'm not really talking about those. I'm talking about movies that use the boobies solely as an indicator that, hey, we're having fun now. But in a story that's otherwise not really about boobies at all.
A bad story. The world would become innocent again.
One of our earliest examples comes from 1996's From Dusk Till Dawn. Now, the strippers technically aren't zombies, but they do technically eat people, so let's not get too pedantic about a film that rides that real thin tonal line between comedy and Quentin Tarantino raping and murdering women. Before you flip out, okay, let me just explain what happens. But 2004's Resident Evil Apocalypse knew exactly what it wanted to be, and it shamelessly flashes its fun bag bona fides like that huge Confederate flag right off I-64. The producers clearly realized they screwed up making the first Resident Evil movie two-self series and focused on dog murder. So they offered up stumbling zombie strippers and Mike Epps as a belated apology and to ensure audiences that they too were in on the booby jokes this time around. 10 points. The fun booby window dressing gets even so pure in 2009's Zombieland. The only stripper zombie we see is right at the beginning, sporting full-on nipple tassels and extreme slo-mo, but it's a great way to set viewer expectation that this ain't your grandma's horrifically violent zombie movie. Time to nut up or shut up. From there, we get almost identical representations in 2015's Scout's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, which is granted basically the same movie, or more recently in 2021's Army of the Dead, which includes not just zombie strippers, but also like an evil leader zombie that's like a pregnant, sexy dancer at worst. And the movie is a bit more on the serious side, but then again, it also frequently allows this more on the speak.
It's just so weird how this trope reanimates every five to 10 years, like the passing of Candy's comment. Like every half decade or so, somebody wakes up and says, hey, wouldn't it be wacky if sex workers also suffered during a global pandemic? Most importantly, will you all fund my 2026 zombie stripper movie called Dead Panties or Grottrotter? Maybe another title. We've got a couple years until Candy returns.
She's coming. Who's coming? What's coming? She, who's she?
So say you're being stalked by some unspeakable horror from the very pit of hell, again, and you really need to figure out how to defeat it before it murders you while you're open air blowing your boyfriend in the woods. I'm chilling. Now, you could cleverly observe its attack methods or analyze similarities between its victims and build a viable strategy based on your findings, or you could just Google it.
It might be literally the single most boring and basic way to solve a problem, but at least if you accidentally click one of the 7,000 ads pretending to be an actual answer, you'll make King Google just a little bit richer. Of course, in movies, you can't actually use Google Google. You have to use some sort of off-brand shit like Gigablast, which is apparently real, or Chumhum, which is apparently not real. Chumhum.
Now, the idea of researching your otherworldly nemesis isn't a new trope by any means. Hundreds of horror movies take detours to the library to check out a bunch of ancient tomes on some specific prehistorical prophecy or Celtic lore that offers a bunch of exposition on the monster-devouring town's horniest teens. And that's still mostly fine because there's still something tactile about thumbing through dusty old books and newspaper microprints, and it's also a slow enough process that the library itself can often become a target location for an attack.
But in more modern movies like the Elm Street remake or basically every final destination, they don't do much more than flip open their laptop. Ah! In Elm Street, the character gets so bored they literally fall asleep and have a freaky dream. And after the fourth straight movie where final destination characters Google that time Devin Sawas arrived to plane crash only to be killed by a loose brick offscreen, I seriously considered crashing a log truck into New Line Cinema's house.
Okay, don't laugh, but we stayed up Googling. John Cena! Even random monster movies like the recent Godzilla King of Monsters grind to a halt so a submarine lady can inform everyone that her Google Fu revealed that, yeah, some of the monsters are old. Apparently Godzilla wasn't pooped out like three years ago. Thanks, submarine lady. Divine creatures who brought wisdom, strength, even- John Cena!
This is yet another reason why it follows is so great. There's literally no information on what the hell this monster is or what's going on. So the characters piece together a wet defense strategy based solely on observation and logic. That's a lot cooler than watching Micah Munroe searching tall boy sex monster house stop on Giga Chad search Bing. Maybe in a little bit.
Speaking of it follows, how did this young ass come into possession of a 40 year old 1975 Plymouth Grand Fury? That's not a cheap car. Seems like this sex pest would do much better with a Ford Taurus. Now there is a versatile car that has exactly what we're looking for, Taurus. Similarly, Don't Breathe pulls the same shenanigans when our thieves arrive in a 1978 Chevrolet Camaro.
Again, old enough to have its own midlife crisis. And now the future is here.
Well, it might be because the makers of these movies are fans of classic 80s horror in which the characters drove these types of cars. You know, because the cars were made in that era. In Evil Dead, Ash drives a 1973 Oldsmobile Delta because the movie was made in 1981.
There's no reason Carrie's mom should be tooling around in one in the remake from 2013. Killer Billy.
In the original 1977, The Hills Have Eyes, the heroes drive a swag camper towed by a 1971 Chrysler Town & Country. Again, that's a realistically six year old vehicle helmed by a family of future disembodied blood husks. But in the 2006 remake, the family is driving a 1990 Chevy Suburban towing a 1988 Airstream. Why in the world are these people dragging around a 20 year old camper on their family vacation?
Why wouldn't they purchase something affordable and modern and- Taurus! It's not inherently a problem or anything.
Except it can really play out of the film. Like take the 1998 film, Halloween H2O, when Michael Myers steals a 1971 Buick Skylark until it breaks down at a rest stop. In a tense moment, a woman and her young daughter pull up to the same stop and use the bathroom, only to have Myers yank her purse and drive off with her 1956 International Harvester Travel All? That's right, this very modern woman and her daughter were apparently taking an afternoon drive in a 42 year old Johnny One Eye Getaway truck. Just what the hell is going on here? Are they time-traveling gangsters? Is she Jay Leno's wife? This scene could have been 10 minutes at the director cranking it in an auto museum and it'd be less strange and gratuitous. Let's go take a look at it. But that's just one half of modern horror's weird fascination with cars, and the other half is they can't stop slamming their ancient road wagons into freaking- Dang! Seriously, it happens in Train to Busan, Get Out, The Voices, Cabin Fever, A Cure for Wellness, The Monster, and The Invitation, just to name a few.
It's not recent, but a similar thing even happens in Starcraft, except to a dog. Looks like you mashed some poor feather's dog, Sarge.
I realize that, you know, you gotta find a way to ruin the character's car so they can't easily escape, and, or, it's just another way to instill a sense of foreboding, but come on. There are other ways. The recent A-25 movie, Bodies, Bodies, Bodies, has the car get smashed during a hurricane wall, the potential drivers get smashed on special Gen Z drugs and liquors.
See? Simple. Jordan, is that true?
Speaking of things that are terrifying, welcome to Where the Magic Happens. When I make it a video that I haven't even started on yet, I usually need to watch a lot of movies, right? But the problem is that even streaming services that I've signed up for don't always have the movies that I need, even when I know they're available somewhere.
But that's where NordVPN comes in. See, I could talk about how great NordVPN is with its, you know, servers in 59 countries and all the nerd shit they do to protect your identity and keep you anonymous online and safe and all that crap. And that's great. But what I really like it for is the fact that it lets me watch these movies on the streaming services I already have by switching my IP address's country of origin. For example, I needed to watch Zombieland again for this video and it's not on American Netflix. So what I did was I switched it to Brazil using NordVPN and voila, there it is. I'm watching Zombieland.
Everybody wins. And all you gotta do to get the most out of your subscriptions to Netflix or whatever you're signed up for is go to NordVPN.com slash literally and sign up. This deal is 30 days risk-free. So if you hate it, just, you know, cancel your subscription after 30 days. You've lost no money and maybe you've gotten to watch Zombieland a couple extra times. Again, just go to NordVPN.com slash literally and sign up today.
Plus, it kinda just helps the show. And sometimes we need help, right? It's the holidays. All right, so this isn't exclusively a horror thing but I still feel like it's worth mentioning. Why make head fall off when no dead yet? Jordan. Let me clarify.
Around the dawn of the new millennium, many brave horror films dared to ask how productive might a person be without their hold to all of the head? We saw it in Bill Nighy's half a dome slice in Underworld and when that boy was all fenced to bits in Final Destination, the log truck one, and when that Resident Evil dude shaved his neck too hard with a layer's resident laser. In each instance, it's ridiculous how far the headless one is able to stagger without the fool or sometimes any use of their brain. It's almost as ridiculous as how far they really pushed that $38 graphics budget. Oh, you need to shoot them in the head.
But at least those were silly horror movies clearly created with the express purpose of causing middle school me to stand up in Ben's living room and go, oh, shit, did you see that, Ben? Even though Ben usually fell asleep pretty early in movies and I don't think he really liked horror that much anyway.
But if this was so prevalent in Ott's garbage horror, why does it still continue today? One of the most egregious examples is in, spoiler alert, Breaking Bad, when Gus Fring's face gets all Los Pollos ethyl. I mean, yes, it's rad as hell and yes, I did stand up and cheer alone in my room as a full grown man with Ben nowhere to be found. But what an odd thing to add to an otherwise fairly grounded drama. The explosion of murder was incredible enough. Having Gus walk around for a minute and adjust his tie comes dangerously close to methane the shark. It's definitely cool, but also just as definitely reality breaking. All for a C movie trope that's been around forever. More recently, this strangely specific cranial trope popped up in Bullet Train, which is yes, heightened and stupid.
But also, can we come up with a new thing? Have we run out of ways to kill people that are more shocking than surprise the head no work good, I'm rated arb with us a wacky. Dude, I don't even know you.
When a whole movie's premise is crazy choreographed violence from the genre defining mind of one of the stunt dudes who brought us John Wick, you'd think there'd be something splashier than again, half a face getting check off by a gun we'd known was rigged for almost the entire runtime. Have him run shotguns at Kimbo using only his butt cheeks or something. Have half of somebody's butt slide off their butt. I feel like there's very little progress being made in the butt specific gunplay genre because this is your chance Gene Roddenberry. Get back in the game, in the butt game. Now, every man's fantasy is about to come.
God, what the fart, dude? What the fart, man? What's going on with you, man?
You water anything? No, I feel like my head, ugh. |
cracked | 5_inaccurate_movies_that_pretend_to_be_realistic | So you know how in every movie that features a radio, people will say at one point over and out? You probably assumed that that's just how you end the conversations on radio. The truth is that improper CB and VHS voice procedure over means over to you, and I am waiting for a reply. And out means not over to you. I don't expect you to say anything. You and me, we're done. So over and out is somewhere between total gibberish and an actual taunt.
See, it turns out that though we all know movies aren't real, we always assume a certain level of research. But we are so, so wrong to expect that, because the Fast and Furious movies don't understand cars. The Fast and Furious movies started as a story about an LAPD detective tracking down stolen DVD players by building fast cars. Then became a story about an FBI agent infiltrating an international drug organization by stealing fast cars. Then became a story about actual gods battling each other with their cars. And still, these movies seem like they were made by someone who has never actually learned to drive. It literally took them three films before they remembered that races were more fun if you remember that cars can turn. And then in the very next one, we got this scene.
Ahh!
Let me walk that back a bit. It's not that they don't understand cars. They clearly do. It's that they know that we don't understand cars, which is amazing, because 99.9% of this movie's audience owns and operates a car every single day. But they still occasionally feel like they need to spit out a string of vaguely automotive themed words just to remind us what kind of movie we're watching.
Granny's shifting, not double-clunching like you should. You know, I'm glad they brought shifting up, actually, because driving a stick shift car isn't actually a form of ancient black magic, despite what YouTube wants you to think. Car gears essentially work like bike gears. You use low ones to get going and higher ones at higher speeds. Sure, there are some extra gizmos like synchros and clutch plates, but unless you're trying to build the transmission, that's pretty much the whole deal. Except in the Fast and Furious movies, where the shift knob works exactly like the hyper drive in the Millennium Falcon.
Ahh!
In Fast Five, Brian's driving his Challenger in reverse while pushing a safe, and he decides to shift into his second reverse gear. Honestly, I have no idea what these filmmakers were thinking, unless it's watching people shift gears in cool cars is an awesome and satisfying thing. In which case, I apparently do know what they were thinking, and they were right, so who cares.
Dead Poets Society does not understand poetry. I understand why everybody loves Dead Poets Society.
It's because this scene where Ron Williams has an impression of Marlon Brando doing Shakespeare. Shakespeare can be different fans, Romans, come from them.
I mean, they're ass. It's awesome. The only way you could make it better is by throwing in a can and some boobs in Carl Urban's elevator frown from dread. The problem is that Dead Poets Society is supposedly about poetry, but the movie itself doesn't understand poetry at all.
In one scene, we get an explanation of Robert Pross' poem, The Road Not Taken. Two roads diverged in the wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by. That has made all the difference. I want you to find your own walk right now, your own way of striding, pacing, any direction, anything you want, whether it's proud, whether it's silly, anything. He says it's about finding your own path in life, except it's not. He says, and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth, then took the other as just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim because it was grassy and wanted wear. Though as for that, the passing there had word them really about the same. Pross' poem is about how one decision won't completely change the direction of your life.
It's the exact opposite of the movie's message. Dead Poets Society is about these kids learning to free themselves, how to express themselves clearly. That's what we see in the cave scenes, kids toying with Bohemian self-expression and learning to seize the day. You know what that reminds me of? The Beats Generation.
Allen Ginsberg's Howl was a poem published in 1957. Howl had a lot of sex and drugs and stuff in it, and it became a big deal because bookstore owners in San Francisco were arrested for selling it. The following obscenity trial made national news, but Dead Poets Society, which takes place in 1959, never brings that up. The whole damn movie takes place right in the middle of the explosion of postmodernism, the beat generation, the New York School of Poets, probably the last great period in the history of the form, and you wouldn't know it because most recent poet they discuss is Robert fucking Frost. This is sort of like if Saving Private Ryan didn't mention World War II, which frankly is probably to the credit of Ginsberg since 30 years after the publication of his masterpiece, it's still too edgy to make it into the script of some feel-good Oscar bait. I mean, these kids are gonna go see these movies, show them that hippie shit at a young age, and when they hit puberty, they'll probably just go out and let themselves be fucked in the ass by saintly motorcyclists and scream with joy.
The Hurt Locker doesn't understand military. Since the Hurt Locker won the Best Picture Oscar, was written by a journalist who was actually embedded in Iraq and directed by the director of Point Break, fuck yeah, who promised that she was striving to make her film as authentic as possible, it's fair to assume that this was a pretty accurate depiction of military life, right? Wrong. I don't know anything about the military because...
But according to this website, full of either soldiers or people who have done an excellent job convincing me that they're soldiers, the movie gets at least 62 things wrong in its two-hour runtime. That is one mistake every two minutes, roughly. These errors range from soldiers rolling up their sleeves and they shouldn't, to standing way too close to dangerous bombs with no attempt at seeking cover.
According to one bomb disposal vet, a screen-screamingly frustrating scene where Jeremy Renner doesn't just cut the main cable when he discovers a bunch of connected bombs, right? Obviously, Jeremy Renner, you just cut the main cable there, you idiot. I'm sort of taking their word on this one. I barely trust myself with fireworks. But apparently, most of the job in the movie comes from stuff that could never, ever happen unless everyone in explosive ordnance disposal just forgot about all their robots. Basically, chill out, Jeremy Renner.
R2-D2 has you covered. Gravity doesn't know shit about space. When Gravity came out in 2013, we'd already seen Iron Man, Superman, and Thor fight aliens in space. So it was pretty refreshing to see a movie that threw some real human beings into the screaming nightmare void that surrounds our stupid little planet. And it seemed like they got a lot of details right. For example, an actual astronaut says that a lot of the valves and buttons Sandra Bullock messes with and the various spaceships she uses are actually the right buttons for the stuff she wants to do. That's a neat detail and they totally didn't have to get that right. Another thing they got right is that you can't breathe in space. You have to wear a suit. Good job, Gravity. Now, you'd think that the actual space stuff would be right too, but you'd be wrong. As he has wanted to do, internet super-nude Neil deGrasse Tyson explained that the space stations that Bullock hops back and forth from throughout the movie are actually hundreds of miles apart, making most the plot impossible.
But I gotta call attention to one specific moment. When Clooney is drifting away and Bullock just barely catches him, what exactly is pulling on them right there? Why didn't they just bounce back? Was the momentum of Clooney's head bobble propelling him backwards? Was he late to the Tomorrowland set?
And this is a major setup for the plot. Also, this movie is set in space. That is the easiest place to die. And this is the best they can come up with? But like any movie with a convincing enough tone, people are right now rushing to the comment sections to argue why the scene is totally plausible. Fine, do that. I'm gonna agree with the actual astrophysicist.
No movie understands sailing at all. So I lived on a sailboat for 18 years.
That's why I knew the whole over and out thing. And like anyone who knows a whole bunch about one specific thing, I get really mad when movies get it wrong.
For example, check out the sails. Both those boats are trimmed to be running, which you do when the wind's coming from behind you. They're headed right towards each other, which means those boats have wind coming at them from different directions, even though they're...
You don't care, as powers of the Caribbean. May as well be nitpicking physics in the Transformers movies. Fine, let's try a movie that people took seriously.
Right, so why is that wave breaking right there in the middle of the ocean? More importantly, they're in the eye of the storm. And in the eye of the hurricane, everything is getting pushed outward towards the rest of the... Wolfgang Peterson, you fucking cock. This is a real storm of the real huge waves that actually sank boats. If you're gonna throw a huge kaiju wave at us like at the end of this movie, you may as well just have Ursula and the Little Mermaid show up and sink the Andrea Gale.
All right, fine. What about All Is Lost?
That's a serious movie, a lot of effort behind it. You can tell because it's Robert Redford and nobody talks.
So surely it got sailing right, yeah? That's why this New York Times review commented on how old Robbie clearly has the skill to navigate the ocean.
Except he doesn't. He's a drooling moron. Though every non-sailor who watches this movie sees a man struggling valiantly against the cruel mistress of the sea, for people who are sailors, All Is Lost is a story of an insufferable doofus trying and ultimately failing to commit suicide by ignorance. There, I spoiled it, he lives. I spoiled the end of this insufferable fucking movie.
Deal with it. I can nitpick a lot of the little stuff he does, but I'll try to keep it to the things that will make sense to people who don't even know how the ocean works. The first thing you do if you find a hole in your boat is you plug it with things. Life jackets, pillows, laundry, whatever. That's just what you do first. You don't just leave it there with water pouring into your bilge. You also, you actually wanna try to keep the hole in your boat not underwater. If you can heal the boat over so that the hole is above, fine. Also, it's generally a bad idea to T-bone giant metal objects in the middle of the ocean. Are you keeping up so far? You're not drowning in nautical jargon, are you? What he should have done is come up from Leward and left his sails to reduce speed because that's what docking is.
I have personally seen 10-year-old children do this. I'm just using that anecdotal evidence to make the point that children are better sailors than you, Robert Redford.
This is the Virginia gene with an SOS call, over. This. Okay, also not what you do. Proper procedure would be to say this is the Virginia gene. Here's my call sign, my position, whatever.
I'm too stupid to be in a boat. I require immediate assistance. Then you take your finger off the transmit button. Not before, you don't know if you're transmitting. Normally, I'd insist that he use pan, pan, pan rather than mayday because there isn't an immediate threat to his life yet.
But seeing how this guy makes decisions, I feel like his life has been an immediate danger since his nephew gave him a copy of Dove. Dove is a book about a teenager who sails around the world alone.
It's a big deal, don't worry about it. Yeah, that's fine, do that. So you might notice back in the Fast and Furious entry, I confused a Dodge Charger and a Dodge Challenger, and I figured people get in the comments, they get all mad and say they don't know anything about cars, but you know, that was the point, you know? Just, you get all mad, you put angry things on the internet, you try to make a point about how much you know about stuff. It's not good for your health. Just let it go, it's little details, it's movies, it's fine, worry about it. Please like and subscribe. |
TheOnion | Missing_Teen_s_Friends_Go_On_TV_To_Plead_For_Her_Release_Gossip_About_Ugly_Classmates | It's been six days since Janelle Kelly, a 17-year-old from Sacramento, California, went missing. Since then, her two best friends, Katie Clements and Megan Cleary, have not rested for a moment in aiding the search effort. Katie and Megan are here with us this morning. Thank you for having us. Welcome to you both. Now, I know this is a very difficult time, but if you could say something to Janelle right now, what would it be? Um, that we miss you, and we're looking for you.
And Steffi P from biology is pregnant. Oh my God, yeah. I mean, she says that she's not, but she's like totally wearing sweaters in May.
Tell us how you've been helping to spread the word about Janelle's disappearance. I know you've started a Facebook page. Oh yeah, I mean it has all of this information that we put up about like where Janelle was all seen and like what she was wearing. And then we also posted, just in case Janelle sees it's in pics of Shauna's disgusting new cornrows. So Shauna is such a hot mess express. And you've also organized Amber Alerts across the state of California, is that right? Yeah, we just want to get the word out.
You just think that this is something that would happen to like Erin, not Janelle. Oh my God, I could totally see Erin getting kidnapped.
And you know what? I bet that she would like it too. She's such a slut, Jim and Tracy, you don't even know. We call her the balls-a-saurus because she loves to put balls in her mouth. I hate her. Right, but you have been working extensively with the police on this case, haven't you? Yeah. Yeah, we told them you did it. I, what? She's just kidding. Oh my God, you told me she was in your baby, like freaked out. I did not do it. She's making fun of you, I mean, she likes you.
Oh my God, shut up, he's like 50. I'm helpless, Doug. How old is that zit on your tit? Oh my God, shut up, we're on TV.
Okay, but with all of your efforts, you still haven't heard a word from Janelle? No, none. I mean, we just keep hoping that she'll call or something.
Oh my God. What? Oh my God, I totally forgot, she did call me. What?
Yeah, but I was like in this movie, so I was like, oh, I'll call her back later. But then everyone was like, come to PF Chang's. And I got totally wasted on margaritas because Samantha's friends with one of the bussers. Well, did she leave a message? I mean, well, kind of, she said that this dude was like driving her down to Salinas.
So she's still alive. Yeah, but I mean, I couldn't really understand her because Cambria was talking super loud about how her parents are buying her this new Explorer, even though everyone knows that her parents are like super poor. Yeah, her house is like a storage unit. Yeah, she's so full of shit.
Wait, have you alerted police? When would I have done that? I had to get up at like, Ask cracker early this morning to do the show.
Well, I'm sure with all of your search efforts, Janelle will be returned safely and be home soon. Just know that the two of you and Janelle are in our thoughts. Gross. Now we had Janelle's mother on yesterday making a plea for Janelle's safe return. Wait, do you mean Janelle's mom or Janelle's dad's girlfriend? Because Janelle's dad's girlfriend is like a total wreck and it's hilarious. No, no, no, it was her mother. Oh my God, I wish she had met her dad's girlfriend. She's like five years old. One time we were at her house and we heard them boning and it was really gross. Well, we hear it today now. We'll be praying for Janelle's safe return.
What? What did I do? Is it the sweater? I normally don't wear sweaters like that. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_eternal_sunshine_of_the_spotless_mind | eternal sunshine of the spotless mind Charlie Kaufman and Michelle Gondry's near-perfect masterpiece about brains is widely considered to be one of the best films of the new millennium and is full of trivia and easter eggs you may have missed the first time around here are some facts that will change the way you watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind forever show me which constellations here's a cool fact the crack in the ice in this iconic scene was the result of a plane crash that happened just moments before filming would you do me a favor and clean the goddamn hair off the soap when you're done in the shower yeah director Michelle Gondry encouraged the actors to improvise all throughout filming like this scene where one of them pushed a car onto the set technically speaking the procedure is brain damage okay check this out the design of the machine used to erase Joel's memory is based on the memory erasing machine Gondry himself at as a kid pretty cool right but can't you see screenwriter Charlie Kaufman is famous for the way his scripts warp logic and no scene was a bigger mind bender for the actors than this one where a different second movie was being played inside the very movie they were filming whoa hey this scene had to be shot 15 different times because the pill Jim Carrey took to be small kept wearing off I'll try really hard here we go Gondry was able to get this extreme reaction out of Jim Carrey by promising to give him a 125 dollar barnes and noble gift card if he did it oh you're erasing her for me okay this part is awesome Kaufman got the idea for this scene where Joel sees a woman with no face when he saw a woman on the bus who had closed her eyes this was Kate Winslet's actual reaction to actor Elijah Wood coming onto set unannounced Kaufman loved it so much that an entire role was written for Wood to justify it pretty cool there's an emotional core to each of our memories and here's a quick little shout out to adaptation another Kaufman film where the characters know that Boston exists yikes not sure how this continuity error managed to slip through whoa nice if you had any questions about what type of guy Jim Carrey is just look at him quietly go out of his way to thank this car for appearing in the film the most famous line in the film meet me in montauk was almost cut in favor of the studio's choice thanks for coming out to the movie theater we'll see you next time thankfully Kaufman and Gondry got their way the perfect ending to this piece of shit story so there you have it just some amazing movie trivia about eternal sunshine of the spotless mind one of the most unique and original movies ever goodbye |
TheOnion | Kim_s_Dark_Mirror_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Today on the finale episode of Helcomb County Municipal Lake Dredge Appraisal, it's the largest valuation in Helcomb County Municipal Lake Dredge Appraisal history. This could be worth quite a bit. We are here with Kranst, who has dredged up what we think might be something truly special. Now, on this most recent dredge, you pulled up what you think might be a painting of some kind.
Is that correct? Mm-hmm. Let's have a look. Yes, I think you're right.
Judging from what I can see here, where some of the mud has dripped away, I'm going to say this is an oil painting, and given the style and brush strokes, it is late 14th to early 15th century Europe, and it has withstood damage from the lake water remarkably well, this could be worth quite a bit. Yes, the coarseness of the grains here suggests that this has been down there for, wow, two centuries or more?
Here we go.
This stamp on the back of the canvas tells me that this comes from a small monastery known for a belief in mysticism. They were part of a breakaway Franciscan sect in the Bavarian Alps that practiced...
It's you. Well, that's just a coincidence, I'm sure. It's you, all right.
No, I don't have that scar.
Yet? Yes.
So how much is it worth? I can't appraise that. There's no established market value for a portrait like that. Kim, will you not appraise this?
Yes. Conservative estimate. It's based on other paintings of a similar style, a similar class.
I would say $150,000. Oh, my God, $150,000.
Well, Rick, you got it, Rick.
Oh, my God.
Will you not appraise this? Yes. Conservative estimate. It's based on other paintings of a similar style, a similar class.
I would say $150,000. Oh, my God, $150,000. Well, Rick, you got it, Rick. Oh, my God, $150,000.
That in the Bavarian Alps that practiced It's you. That's just a coincidence, I'm sure. It's you all right. No, I don't have that scar. Yet? Yes.
So how much is it worth? I can't appraise that. There's no established market value for a portrait like that. Kim, will you not appraise this?
Yes. Conservative estimate. It's based on other paintings of a similar style, a similar class.
I would say $150,000. Oh, my God, $150,000. Well, Rick, you got it, Rick. Oh, my God, $150,000. |
SaturdayNightLive | obgyn_snl | Okay, Mrs. Parks, we just got your chart. just wait right here. the doctor will be with you shortly. Thank you. thank you. And you're sure this doctor's good?
Honey, you said you wouldn't make a fuss. I'm sorry. I just don't understand why Dr. Morgan would choose now, of all times, to go on a vacation. Trust me, Mr. Parks, you have nothing to worry about.
Fat Daddy is a more-than-capable Ob-gyn. Fat Daddy? Hey! the doctor's name is Fat Daddy.
Oh, My. God.
Babe, chill. you're stressing me out. All right. good morning, folks. good morning, Dr. Fat Daddy. uh, please. it's just Fat Daddy. I'm sorry. what the hell is that on your jacket? huh? oh, oh. don't worry about that. that's just sauce. Babe, just let him do his job. Let me guess. first-time parents? Yes, and I'm starting to think he's more nervous than I am. Oh, I get it. I've been there. but everything's gonna be fine. Dr. Morgan sent over your charts. he says here that we are seven months pregnant. so we're just gonna do a quick ultrasound and make sure that everything looks okay. that sound good? Thank you, Fat Daddy. can I just ask how you got the name Fat Daddy? that's so rude, Babe. seriously? No, it's okay. it's okay. it's not really that interesting of a story, actually.
But before I became an Ob-gyn, I was pit master at Fat Daddy's Barbecue Palace on 78. Oh, gosh. we love that place. mm-hmm. me, too. thank you very much. I'm proud of it. Yeah. all right. now, this might be a little cold, by the way. All right? all right. Now, you know, barbecue is just something that I know how to do. But my true passion is always been gynecology. uh-huh. yeah, ever since I was a little boy. ever since I was a little boy. Yeah. yeah, that's good heat right there. So, uh, when exactly did you get your degree? Uh, hold that, though. Uh, nurse? yes, Fat Daddy? um.
I don't see no baby. for real? I thought you said you were pregnant. I am visibly pregnant.
Okay, babe, we should go. this guy does not know what he's doing. Well, hang on. hang on. let's calm down. See, this is why you can't always trust these machines. sometimes, just like in barbecue, you got to roll up your sleeves. uh, nurse, why don't you take a temperature while I duck into the pit? All right. here we go. Hey! hey! I'm going in. No! hey! all right. shouldn't you be wearing gloves? Carol, I asked you to come here for support and to see if you're really ready to be a father. All right. Now, where is this thing? I am ready to be a father. Well, then, stop making things weird. it's fine. Okay. two, two, five. that's slow and low.
Oh, there he is. I found him. I found him. everything is all right. all right. could. could you not lick your fingers? Oh, you're right.
I'm sorry. that's a bad habit. Nurse, hand me them paper towels, please. All right. good. thank you very much. All right. now, the baby, it's coming along. it's coming along real good. yeah, it's just a little dry. that's all. But that's okay. I want you to make sure that you rotate them every week or so. you know what? I let it go for about another month and a half, two months.
Also, I'm going to say your Ph is a little off. I'm going to put you on some supplements. Tracy? yes, doctor? go on and write this script down here. iron, alkaline water, apple cider vinegar, smoked paprika, a little bit of Coca-cola. we got pepper. that's okay? yeah, that'll be fine. Thank you. |
dropout | Obi_Wan_s_Weird_Connection_to_Jon_Stewart | From Ozma to Yzma, nerds like a lot of things but there's something they love above all else and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. And joining us on this episode, we have Ally Beardsley. Hi. We also have Rhianni. Wah! Wah. And we have Ify Wadiwe. Hey, what's up?
I'm trying to like, at the last second, think of a catchphrase and just really the bad thing. Thank you all for coming on to play. Two returning contestants, one brand new contestant since you've never played before and if you're watching for the first time at home, the rules are very simple.
These are incorrect statements about the things that you know and love. It's up to you to find the thing that I've said that is wrong, buzz in, and correct me. All corrections must be preceded by the phrase um, actually, and you can interrupt me at any point in the question. Those are the only two rules and I will have to abide by them. It hurts to take a point away from someone who doesn't say um, actually. I'm gonna do it though, so remember that um, actually.
How's everyone feeling? I feel good. Ready to go. I'm feeling good.
It's five in the morning. It's not five in the morning.
We gave you a later time. I appreciate it, honestly. We've been shooting since three, though. Yeah. We'll do our first question here.
This is about Star Wars. Obi-Wan Kenobi left Tatooine as a child to become a Jedi Padawan under training of Qui-Gon Jinn. He went on to become the first Jedi in a millennium to defeat a Sith Lord, and soon after, took on Anakin Skywalker as his own Padawan.
Allie. Um, actually, he doesn't consider himself to be a Jedi. Elaborate. You're wrong, but I wanna hear more. You know, Jedi, Jedi is just an umbrella term and there are always outsiders, renegades, if you will, doing their own thing, and I just don't think he would consider himself a- This is why we have to bring labels into this. Like, don't call me a Jedi. Like, yes, I do Jedi things, but like, I don't consider myself a Jedi.
Exactly. Got it, no. Mm, interesting. Iffy.
Um, actually, he never officially takes Anakin as a Padawan because they were beefing about it when in the council and they're like, he's too dangerous. I feel that Vader energy coming off of him. The beefing happened and the Vader energy was there, but he did officially take him on as a Padawan.
Yeah. This is the first. Um, actually, he isn't the first to defeat a Sith. No, no, not that either. Um, actually, he's not from Tatooine. That's correct.
Yeah, he's from, hold on, you were gonna say it. I was gonna ask if you know where he's from. Okay, oh, it was on the tip of my tongue because I know he's not from the- Um, actually, he's from Fresno.
No. I'm trying to think of, it's the one that blew up. No, I'll give you the point, Iffy, for identifying that he's not from Tatooine. Obi-Wan Kenobi is from the planet Stu-John, which, no joke, is genuinely named after Jon Stewart. No. That is, it's never been canonically depicted, but it is the case that he is from the planet Stu-John.
Well, I'm never gonna, like, rack on the extended universe, expanded universe stuff, only because they had a horse X-wing pilot. And I'm like, all right. Wait, tell me more about this. There's a X-wing that's like this weird space race where they're like, horse, there's a horse head. And he's like an X-wing pilot. That's as much as I know about that. Is it like a human with a horse head or is it like a full horse? Just like, I'm a horse, I'm a horse.
He's also a struggling actor and they made a whole Netflix series about- Yeah, I'm driving this TIE fighter like it's a day thing, but I'm really trying to do that. Is there a problem that they cast at Will Arnett when there's actual horses that could be Bojack horsemen? Well, point for you, again, I wasn't expecting anyone to know the Stu-John thing, but I just think it's a kind of a weird, fun little piece of trivia. Yeah, point for Iffy and we'll move on.
This is about Shiron, the princesses of power. When Adora transforms into She-Ra, she gains a variety of powers. She grows seven feet tall, gains super strength and agility, has healing powers, and can magically summon an alicorn, a flying unicorn, called Swift Wind.
Yes, If. She doesn't magically summon it. It's just they're chilling with her the whole time. Like, let's go. That's true. Actually, that's right.
Oh my gosh, oh I hate this game.
There's no magic in summoning, that's just, yeah. Rianni. Actually, the unicorn. I'm coming for you. The unicorn just lives with everybody. No summoning involved.
Hey, you know what? Look, I gave that away, but that's the game sometimes. Sometimes I things up. That's a point for Rianni. Yeah. And I only feel okay about that because I know you were guessing too. Yeah, well you know what, I was right though.
Yeah, there's no magical summoning involved. Swift Wind was just a regular old horse that was transformed. And before that, the horse was called Horsey.
Well, that point goes to Rianni for scooping that one. All right, this is a question on Marvel Comics. Veteran member of the X-Men, Aurora Monroe, AKA Storm, is famous for her weather-manipulating mutant powers. But Storm is also a master thief, is descended from powerful sorceresses, and becomes Queen of Wakanda after marrying T'Challa, AKA Black Panther. Along with Wolverine, she is one of only two heroes to be a member of X-Men, the Avengers, and the Fantastic Four. Ally. Actually, she's not a member of the Fantastic Four. She was at one point.
I beg to differ. All right, well. Oh, Ify. I'm actually, no, Spider-Man actually also was a member of all those things. That's correct, yeah. We left out someone who was a member of X-Men, the Avengers, and the Fantastic Four. It was Spider-Man. That's what I actually did know.
This is our first fan question. So this was a question submitted to us by one of our fans. This one comes to us from Vigil.
In Mega Man for the NES, the robot masters can be defeated in any order, but five of them are weak to powers acquired by defeating the other masters. Based on these weaknesses, the ideal order to defeat the robot masters is Bomb Man, Guts Man, Cut Man, Elec Man, Fire Man, then Ice Man.
Ify. I'm actually, it's not Bomb Man first. No, I think it's Ice Man, Cut Man, then Bomb Man. I think Guts Man is last.
I don't know, but I know that the order- You can't answer I don't know. That can't give you a point for that. I'm actually, it's not in that order. It's a different order than the one. It is a different order.
I'm going to have to have you be more specific than that, though. Oh, you dork. And I'll say you were wrong and I'm not just making you really hammer it down. That was not correct.
No, I'm going to say no. Actually, yeah, why not? If we're all just going for it. We're just going for it.
More than five are weak. Oh, no, no, that's not it. I'm going to say no one got this one. The order was mostly correct. The thing that was wrong was we flipped the last two.
That's hilarious. No points for that one.
And this will bring us to our first shiny question of the game. Shiny questions like shiny Pokemon are just a little bit different, a little bit rare, worth the same number of points. So this is a little game we're calling I'd Give an Arm and a Leg. So on the other side of your boards, there's going to be famous prosthetics and it will be up to you to match the appropriate body part with the character that it goes to. Let's go ahead and flip those boards. Let's take a look.
All right, great. Well, we'll start with Ally. All right, great.
So we started off with Warren Worthington from Bash House. And this is the episode where he got a beer keg instead of a leg.
Okay. This is Ash from Pokemon's Wings. This is Old Barrett, Jamie Lannister, because this was maybe the only thing that could exist in Game of Thrones. Yeah, that belonged to Hiccup, we all know that. And Furiosa, I actually knew that one. Great. Rhianni, let's see what you got. Started with the iconic Archangel, Warren Worthington III wing. Moved on down to Furiosa, because I saw the film. Next we went to Jamie Lannister with that gold hand. Barrett was the scariest name after Furiosa, so I gave it the chainsaw. Hiccup was silly and so is whatever that thing is. And the last one is a rusty screw, so I gave it to Ash. Very good. And Ify, let's see what you got. Okay, so I'll go with the right ones. As you know, me and Rhianni are both X-Men heads, so we both knew that Warren was Archangel. You tried to get us by switching names, and I'll hate you forever for that. Ash, Army of the Dead, the iconic chainsaw. So I knew that, Furiosa, I knew that.
Final Fantasy VII is the best Final Fantasy created, so Barrett was a no-brainer. I didn't even have to see the gun to know where it was gonna go.
Jamie, I knew he got something cut off, because that was the big him and Rhian romance. All right, well, Ali, you got two of these correct. Rhianni, you got four right, and Ify, you did indeed get all of these correct.
Hiccup is from How to Train Your Dragon. He's got a sort of spring peg leg. Hiccup's the big black dragon, right? No, that is Toothless. Oh, they got weird names. It says Ify Shifude. What's wrong with Hiccup?
But yeah, the rest of you all identified X-Men, Army of Darkness, Game of Thrones, Final Fantasy VII, and Mad Max Hero. I watched so much of that TV show too, and I still don't know why. Like, the names seemed familiar from that, but I could not name it.
Well, you stumbled into it anyway. The point is yours. Wow. Rhianni, were you gonna say something? What is Barrett's nub? What is that? Oh, sorry, I'll let it in if you take it. Final Fantasy VII.
This show is like being at a party that you don't wanna be at. And that's it for this preview of Um, Actually. If you liked it, there's a whole lot more waiting for you on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.
I'm Mike Trapp, reminding you to get your pets spayed and neutered. And to get your zombie pets obliterated. Zombie pets. They're not the pets you loved anymore.
They're gone. Kill them, kill them.
I'll present you with an acronym and you must try your best to say what it stands for. If you can't get it, the next person in line goes until someone gets it or no one can. Last person left standing will get the point.
These are all titles of video games. |
ClickHole | women_tell_you_what_they_re_really_looking_for_in_a_man | Can I be real right now? Okay. Hahahaha.
I definitely want someone who's kind. Someone I can count on no matter what. He's gotta be confident. That's really important to me. Bonus if he's got a good job. I like a guy with a round grey face and a big smile that never quits. Yeah, definitely.
He has to have a round face. Just a big grey circle with a bright happy smile stamped right in the middle. Okay, I know this is really shallow but I need my man to have a really round face and a blue body wouldn't hurt either.
Definitely blue. The bluer the better.
Oh, and steam should always be funneling from his head. I like guys who are punctual. I like guys who go toot toot on their whistles all day long. I want a man who's friendly, dependable, but always gets into scrapes.
Always getting into scrapes. Scrapes. I really like it when he gets into scrapes once in a while. But even if he does get into scrapes, he just pulls through and keeps chugging along.
Let me just clear the air right now and say that size does not matter. Size doesn't matter to me. I don't care if he's small or he can't haul as much coal as his friends. As long as he's got a big heart and he gets the job done, I'm happy. Yeah, size doesn't really matter.
I just want a guy who always tries his best, who puffs out steam wherever he goes, and who doesn't grumble like grouchy old Gordon. Nothing's a bigger turnoff than grouchy old Gordon. Listen, if he knows the importance of hard work and friendship, then really that's all I need. He's just gotta keep going no matter what, even if his wheels hurt because he has a job to do. A chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga all aboard! Hey Thomas. |
cracked | the_one_dating_profile_guys_won_t_click_on_rom_com | Well, here they come. The heads of every major dating website and one building. You know if a bomb went off and we all died? Nothing. The world would not notice our absence. Speak for yourself.
The streets would line with protesters if I suddenly stopped sending my disruptive 2.0 tweets. Twinsies? Enough tweeting, you off-brand jelly bean versions of people. Jelly beans?
Get your requisite mingling out of the way and meet me in the conference room. I'd like to get this whole thing over with before I mentally check out. Too late. Alright, let's do this. Okay. Open the door. My name's Max.
I do some job for Findlove. Jordan, mine's called Blind Date. It's a dating site where you don't post pictures. You can only sell yourself by your words. People match based on personality, not just superficial. So you expect people to date without ever seeing each other? Kind of romantic, right?
Yeah. Real quick though, no one uses your app, right? Nope.
Do you know if Kinlin is hiring? CrystalLove.net. Not sure I've heard of you. How does your site work? Algorithms or questionings?
I want to answer that question more than anything. Oh, good. But first, can I just say thank you so much for asking. It is people like you and questions like that that have always made this universe so great. And I feel truly blessed that I am open and prepared to receive it.
It's time for Josie to go.
To answer your question, which I agree is amazing, I want to add that at CrystalLove we do not use algorithms. We absorb. We feel. We consult our crystals, obviously. Obviously. We look into people's souls and seek out connections that way.
Right. Okay.
So how many matches have you made with this system? Oh, we do not make matches.
We close loops in the universe. Like in loop groups? No, not like in loop groups.
It is impossible for us to decide how many matches, your word, we make because a match implies two people. And at CrystalLove, we take halves and create a full person. So, how many full people would you say you've made? Ballpark. Mine's called X's and O's. It's yet to only match people up with people who've also dated from their exes.
That sounds a hundred percent sitcoming. Mine's more of a service. See, I create a bunch of dummy accounts and then I aggressively message the same woman over and over again and that way one of my clients' messages are just being like normal. He seems like a total saint. That's actually incredible. Hey, Blondie, you gone home alone tonight or what? I also do it in real life. Right, but I'm saying like don't even look at me. Let me just describe my personality and I think you'll agree I'm handsome.
No, I am so sorry, but I'm afraid that our crystal energies just don't. She doesn't want it, bro.
Got it. Okay, good, great. Everybody knows and mostly hates each other. Can somebody please tell me what the shit we're doing here?
In the history of our collective dating sites, apps, snaps, pins, and pokes, there has been one person who has tried every single site without making a match. Molly Lamb. Molly, a totally normal woman, has tried in earnest every single one of our sites over the last three years and nothing.
I'm on board. We kill her. Read the room, Smokin' Joe. Whatever the reason, the end result is that none of us have been able to deliver to this perfectly fine woman what we promised. So today, we're not leaving until we fix it.
I call it Project Molly Bad. What? I gave it a little name. Yeah, no, I think we all get that. It's just...
Hey, what about Operation Molly? Los Tang, Molly! The Molly Opportunity.
Don't climb to the top. Start there. The autobiography of Elise Gomez-Buckett.
You're clearly on a different thing. Molly toff, cock, fail. I don't care. Ladies, boys, whatever those two identify as. Moonbeams. Molly's going to be here soon and she's going to expect an answer. There's got to be something. How does she feel about Nazis? Against them. Okay, not that, then. We discovered on the sites.
Exes and Osa bust because she's never had a relationship. The only ones that swipe right on her have been spammed by a cell of Viagra and even one of them refused to message her back. Her heart chakra's not in line with Venus in a...
Shit, man, I got nothing. Face it, Rad, there's no hope.
You do science, right? All day. So then you know that scientifically there must be one person for whom there isn't a match. It's just how probability works. Sure. It's just I always assumed that if someone were to be unmatchable, it would be... Blake? Send Molly in. Well, you don't look like a bunch of people who just solved a problem. Am I still unmatchable?
No, hey. No.
We all talked about it and used various graphs and charts. Algorithms, analytics, user data.
Yeah. Chapter one, born in thunder. And we learned that you have a match. It's... He's Blake. What's your last name?
Woebegone? Blake Woebegone is your match.
He was just not in the system because he's an employee, but the numbers don't lie. His aura is... also doesn't lie. Both of your auras are right on.
Meet your match. I think I learned something today. My whole life, I thought I needed some man to make me feel whole or complete, so I turned to so many dating websites. But you know what?
I like my life. And more than that, I built it myself. I am honored to share that life with us.
I actually feel sorry for people who feel that they need somebody else to feel accomplished. They'll never know the pride and the joy that comes from inner strength. They don't understand. Well, this confidence, it's so attractive.
Has anybody ever told you that before? Oh, okay. Sure. This is gonna sound crazy, but can I take you out sometime? No. I'll take you out.
We did it! We matched the Unmatchable! And I think we all learned a valuable lesson about believing in yourself. And no one got hurt.
Now that's what I call a slam dunk. I'm not serious. That's really good.
Hey, thank you so much for watching this episode of Realm.com. We had a lot of fun making it. We're gonna do one every Wednesday from now until the first Wednesday in March. And then maybe some more down the line if you guys like the show and you watch it a whole bunch.
Happy Valentine's Day! Happy Valentine's Day, unless again.
I don't even know if this will come out anywhere near.
I mean, explicitly you know that one of them is the first Wednesday in March. It's about love. Love is in the air. That's true.
Why are we in the after-hours diner? Holy shit! |
SaturdayNightLive | rap_battle_snl | All right, Mcs, take a minute, focus up, and then we'll get this thing going. Yo. yo, that's no way I can beat Fuego. hey, stop spinning, man. you got this. No, man. I can think of a thousand things this dude could clown on me for, man. hey, so clown yourself first. say everything he can say about you before he does. you know, snatch his power, man. yo. All right, all right, let's get our Mcs over here. come on, Walter Whiteboy, you up first. Dj, drop that beat. Yeah. yo, get over here, Fuego. yo, uh-uh. yo, uh-uh. yo, Fuego, tonight, I know you gonna do your worst, but everything bad you gonna say about me, I'ma say it first.
Yeah, I'm white trash. Yeah, my Jordans is fake. Yeah, I live with my mom and her meth-hag boyfriend, Jake. yeah, we live in a busted Winnebago, but I'm still up here screaming, I ain't scared of you, Fuego.
Oh, damn, Whiteboy got bars. Yo, for every bar he got on me, I got a dozen, like how my first kiss was with my first cousin. that's right, and my second kiss, too. we did all the bases, because we secretly dated, boo. But Walter Whiteboy, that's incest, though. uh, yeah, bitch, I know. Ma-maybe pull it back. uh-oh, Fuego, uh-oh. you have bars by my cousin?
I was not aware of any of them. All right, but that stuff not even half as bad as when my ass got catnished by my own dad. it's a long story, so I won't get dramatic. all you got to know is it was mad traumatic. So question, Fuego, what you think of my battle game? Nah, here's a better question. bitch, what's my name? I'm so sorry you went through all that. Nah, dude, I said, bitch, what's my name? if you need someone to talk to, I'm here.
Okay, okay, y'all want some more? Uh, not really. I'm kind of enjoying it. Oh, yeah, the white guy likes it, all right. All right, what's up, you want some more?
No, he can't just win. Okay, yeah, nice drive, not so fast. he about to put my body on blast. I ain't got no balls, yo, I heard that before. So let's count my nuts, Fuego. one, two, three, four. Yeah, I got four testies, and the girls do not love it when you got two nuts below your thing and two nuts above it. Maybe stop.
All right, yo, but I'm not embarrassed as a matter of fact, because I always got friends who always got my back. they left. Okay, yo, Walter White Boy just said it all, wow. Now tell me, Fuego, what you gonna do to me now? it's not your fault. it's not your fault, Man, it's not your fault. that is so sweet of you, Fuego. Oh my God, what a gentleman. All right, I mean, it's obvious, y'all. Fuego wins, right, Fuego? Yeah. |
dropout | fiat_presents_road_trip_1 | One gas please Cool, I'll pump the gas then yeah one second. Okay one gas, please To go or to stay look I appreciate the effort, but you clearly lied when you said you knew how to pump gas I wanted you to think I was cool. I didn't I thought you were normal when you said you could pump gas I thought you were normal person, but now I think you're a weirdo cuz you lied about it.
Okay. Sorry I'm not a genius be sorry that you can't pump gas be sorry for lying about it come on We have to get this be at tour contest winner. Here's a riddle. How many deal weeds does it take to pump a tank? I don't know Too nope, I'm not a deal weed you are it takes one normal person me to pump gas Oh, that's one for the scrapbook Two helpless bozos at a gas station. All right.
I'm gonna go get snacks. What kind of jerky do you want?
No kind Just please use the bathroom. I'm good. Thank you. Okay, you say that we could have been making great time Okay, this car is good gas mileage, but we've had to pull over 11 times so you could pee. I'm fine relax I'll relax if you go to the bathroom. I know things. Okay, try Come on You really think that given your bladder and the amount of time we've spent pulled over so you could pee today that water is the Best idea you got to stay hydrated, man Okay, pull over please. I got a whiz |
dropout | um_we_have_a_few_questions_about_the_purge_ch_does_the_purge | Thank you all for attending this mandatory team building session. This year, instead of Trust Falls, we're making you all do the Purge! Whaaaat? Well, don't just stand there, go Purge, doesn't that look like fun?
Yeah, okay, but so, all crime is legal. I guess. Well, you can't harm any high-level government employee, but that probably won't affect you.
Is there something illegal that you always wanted to do? Well, I guess I've always wanted to steal a car.
Great, great, well go do that then. But then tomorrow, do I have to go to the DMV to get it registered? Oh shit, that's a good question. Yes, I guess technically you would have to register it. Uh, what about proof of interest?
Yeah, do that too, but the theft is legal. Do I have to prove I stole it during the Purge, or will they just assume? Like, what if I stole a car yesterday?
Hypothetically. Just go kill someone. Oh! Thank you for bringing up murder. Now, hypothetically, if I wanted to kill Grant, right, and I stab him, stab him, just before the Purge ends, but he doesn't die until after the Purge is over, does that count? Is that okay? Uh, yeah, yeah, that's fine. What if it's a gun? What if I fire it, like right as it ends, the bullet? You're all overthinking this. Let's just deal with these situations if and when they come up.
Huh? Ah!
So I have a question, cocaine, is that legal? Yes, yes, cocaine is legal.
Oh, cool. So I won't get an addiction. Oh, that's good. That's really great. Actually, that's not how drugs work. Oh, I've got one. Uh, you know what? This isn't a freshman ethics class.
It's the fucking Purge. If the Purge only happens in America, does that include territories like Guam and Puerto Rico?
Yeah. What's up with that? I don't know. Sure. Follow up. Guam is over the international date line, right?
So does that mean they had a Purge yesterday? It's pronounced Purge! What am I saying?
Ooh, what about Canada? That's basically America. No, no, it's not. I'm bad at geography. You know, it's this shoddy American education system. Or should I say, Canadian education system.
No. But I can still Purge though, right? Even though I'm not an American citizen? Weirdly, yes. I have a question.
Ah! No, you, you can go. No, you go ahead. Oh, no. Okay, what if... Ah! I guess this time I'm not going to say you can go. You go, please. Um, what if... Okay, I guess I'll go.
But the unforgivable curse is from Harry Potter, okay? Can I own a ferret? They're usually illegal in California. And if I marry multiple people during the Purge, do I get to stay married after?
I just love love. Aww. Okay, everyone, just do whatever you want for the next 12 hours and don't worry about the illegal minutia. Ooh! What's going on at the International Space Station? Oh, god.
Because that's partly owned by the U.S., so does that mean just part of it is purging? It's actually called purging.
Astronauts are high-level government employees. Do you ever think of that, you fucking moron? So the Purge isn't happening on the space station. You know, I could have been an astronaut if it weren't for my shoddy Canadian education. Canada is not part of America, all right?
What is wrong with you people? Act on any dark impulse in your little twisted hearts, okay? Kill each other for all I care. Go Purge!
Okay. No! Those are trademarks. You can't use those. I'm sorry.
I mean, that's why we were asked. Hi, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. Click over here to subscribe, and click here for more fun stuff. You filthy animals.
I was abandoned in this office when I was 10 years old by my parents. I've only eaten pizza for such a long time. I think I have scurvy.
I'm sorry.
Such a long time. I think I have scurvy. |
dropout | how_not_to_cry_in_the_workplace | Welcome back to Katie and Carrie's do's and don'ts of the workplace. Today we're going to look at tools for hiding your emotions at work. If you are going to cry at work, do go into the nearest bathroom. Do enter a stall. You will find privacy. You will be able to cry in peace and without disturbing your colleagues. If you are not near a bathroom, other places can adequately hide you while you cry. Do cry in a closet. Or do cry in a stairwell. Sometimes it is hard to find a good hidden crying spot.
Do not panic. Do not fret. Heed my words.
Here are other tools. Do put more makeup on. Powder can hide the red glow you get from crying. Not many people know this, but it also absorbs tears. Remember, it is never acceptable to be seen crying at work. Sometimes trickery is necessary. Do trap your tears with fake eyelashes. Yep, just as I suspected. No tears here. If you cry it is bad. You should feel bad about it.
Do put on a funny cat video. People will assume you are crying because you are laughing so darn hard at that cat video. Cats can be an excellent source of humor.
Do fully commit to eating a snack. Do pretend you have an eye infection. Do use excessive eye drops. People will think your tears are eye drops. If that doesn't work, do pretend you just had eye surgery. If anyone questions you, pretend you are temporarily blind. And remember, crying at work is wrong. Do make use of your environment.
Where is Evan? Where has Evan gone to? Evan is completely blunted in with his desk.
Oh God. Well, there you have it.
Never be seen crying at work. Join us next week as we discuss the don'ts of office human pet playtime. And remember, don't forget to smile. |
SaturdayNightLive | princess_the_frog_snl | You're watching Disney minus the movies Disney doesn't really promote as much. We now return to the Princess and the Frog Tail as old as Oh Nine takes place in a bar. Princess. Finally Black. Why the plot? So whack? Princess and the Frog.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I've fallen in love with a frog. I know it's crazy, right? I'm like this frog and you're like this princess, But I guess it's true what they say, love is love is love. I hope I'm not being too forward, Tiana, but will you kiss me? Of course I will, because love conquers all exactly.
You love me for me. you don't care and I'm a frog. And frogs don't have penises. What was that? It's just a scientific fact. frogs don't have penises, but she don't care.
And that's why I love you. Yeah, for sure. And is that something everybody just knows? I think it's out there. Yeah, it's one of the first things that comes up when you google frog penis. Let's just kiss and get married.
If he could tackle the whole no penis thing later. Sorry, if you don't have a penis, what do you have?
Oh, it's every woman's dream. I got balls that just shoot stuff directly on you. No pesky penis getting in the way. Oh wow, yeah, it's like they always say who needs a straw when I can just throw the milkshake right in your face.
Yeah, I don't know. I might have to rethink this a bit. Oh come on. size doesn't matter. I think it does when it's zero. How do you even have sex? Oh, I'll explain in great details.
You see, I climb on your back like this and I wrap my forearms and around your body and then I stay there for two days and I croak loudly in your ear until you lay your eggs. How many eggs do you lay typically? I don't lay eggs.
Oh, that could be a deal break. You know, this never came up when we dissected frogs in high school. So you what? if it isn't the prince that I cursed, oh my god, it's Captain Hook. What? No, I am Dr. Facilier, the Voodoo Witch Doctor from this movie. So if I kiss this frog, he'll transform back into a prince. only if it's true love. Uh-huh, uh-huh And what would happen with his? penis? What do you mean?
Well, apparently frogs don't have them. How do they just shoots out the nuts? On the plus side, I can do all from like five feet away.
Well, I guess if he changed back to being a human, he would get his penis back. Then let's do it. let's kiss and join our souls forever. And what if I didn't have a penis before? I like as a human before the curse?
What if Hypothetically it got ripped clean off in a bowling alley. Which when she kissed me, would it grow back? A? Bowling alley. I tried to hump the ball return machine as a joke and the gear sort of tore it clean off. Stop saying clean off if you saw it, you'd agree.
Look you little weird frog dude. I don't know what the hell is going on with you, but at least you're a prince. that's right. the Prince of Newark, New Jersey. Okay, I'm out. yeah, even for Voodoo. this is messed up and I reckon it's about time I introduce myself. My name Ramon. but everybody around here call me Ray, I'm the Cajun Firefly in the movie Princess Wrong and critic reckon I might be just about the worst Disney character ever created.
Disney-ass kids leaving this movie. what you think about? All right every kid say killer we don't want to see. All right. no place, no way. never again. One time they invite all ready one day character breakfast over at the busy world. They give kids metal bats and say go get him. don't kill Rachel. he's dead. But don't worry then today or it gonna be just. |
dropout | the_give_it_a_whirl_f_ckers | Wow, so today the give it a whirlfuckers are going to give bicycles a whirl. Now I know what you're thinking, are bicycles for girls? And yeah, they are, but that hasn't stopped us before.
Put this on. I'm kind of sexy. Fuck off. Am I supposed to swallow this?
For us as guys, it's impossible for us to know what it's like to ride a bike. Isn't that right, Dana? No, bikes are for everyone, anybody can ride a bike, it's not a girl thing.
That is so brave of you. I don't think it's brave. You're wrong.
How do you fit one of these in your vagina, you know? What? To get the full experience of riding a bike, we all shaved. You're like weird. You're weird. What? Whoops.
So, how often do you have to shave your tits? I feel like girls never talk about that. I don't. I've never seen a hairy tit, so you must shave them all the time.
Is this like, is this like full of tampons or something? Like. Like what?
Uh oh.
Oh, I think I'm getting a head cramp. Such a bunch of big stupid idiots.
Hey, don't call us boys. I didn't say that.
We're men. At least I'm a man.
Oh. Oh, is this what you meant when you said head period?
I didn't. I didn't say that.
How old are they? Like 35?
I guess now it's time for the real test, huh? Okay, be careful.
Woo! Here we go! Cinnamon toast crunch!
Oh my god.
Help! Help me! Would you fuck us? Help me!
So what did we learn here today? You just went to our unit.
Clean the truck. I guess I never figured out what women do with their boobs when they're riding a bike.
What? Oh my!
Thanks for watching Give it a Whirl, fuckers. I think we learned a lot about the female experience. The fuck is going on? Don't forget to like and subscribe and we'll see you next time.
Wow. And now Duda is down too. Really? That's the fastest crop to wipe yet.
Propped to wipe yet. Tell me about it. Study 1420 has also failed initiating study 1421. Uh oh.
Hey, it's Graham from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff and...
Sorry. Guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out?
Because I can like... I can see the top of the camera so...
Is this better? Alright. It feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching! |
cracked | nickelback_cracked_responds | Okay guys, I brought you here because I want to show you the new Nickelback music video Thank you Take this journey together with the star on it. They're not going to a party. These girls are going to buy drugs, right? Oh, it's a party inside look and Nickelback's playing.
All right, sort of the student council really did this room, right? Yeah, synchronized foot tapping funky He got a haircut. It looks like maybe Chad Kroger's hair is just a decade behind. This is a shiny room I don't I don't believe this shininess. It's not authentic to me. This is a soundstage.
I'm not fooled There are nine people at that party despite how they shot it. There are just nine people there They I think they found a party and we're just like hey, can we set up here with our suits? Oh, hold on We only have a screen saver on the back screen.
Is that gonna be a problem? No, man Just leave it were any of those people consuming any drugs that visualization behind Nickelback would really Really be great Not playing his instrument. Oh That's sad Nickelback getting upstaged by the bartender at their own fake concert Yeah, she's new she on a separate stage Yeah, let's let's decode this chorus funky little monkey and then everyone wants to be the sister's mister is is this business This racist No, oh shit, then they throw it to her on her separated stage separate, but equal, right? What are you doing? giving that a downvote thumbs down for racism Someone should tell a bartender that a multi cocktails in a real cocktail somebody should tell them to actually pour a drink He's just been juggling bottles and no one is drinking like no one has a drink No, what like someone some other she's carrying a drink on roller skates, but just to like be like look at my dream Sonata, we just saw that.
Okay. We've officially run out of original footage. I think recycling back through now He just did that so he knows that you were on to it.
Nickelback has a very specific group of fans, right? Yeah, this video is not for them. He's he's wearing a Bradley Cooper Halloween costume Like he's clearly cultivating that look like yeah I'm assuming he just dresses like that and then just goes to the airport and like waits for people to recognize him as Bradley Cooper He's like, no, no Okay Okay, we got a guy who's on the dance floor now, here comes a dance break down No, I was wrong that's the only time we'll see him worried about Chad Kroger Why? Because he's not even the belle of his own ball And now they have all these fancy people are having a roller skate party around them and he's just trying birthday party He's just trying to play for them He's like everybody stand back he's like a foot move and then we never see him again That was it. Are they are all the members of Nickelback wearing sunglasses indoors?
He's just saying things on fire. He's like, he's not performing But everyone's concentrating on him and no one's watching the stage I feel like his bartender is just now discovering the fact that alcohol is flammable. I Think he's just saying words that he's heard that sound neat I think he's it does have that sort of like I think it could have been Coca-Cola rollercoaster Love you know, I'm not supposed to work. This is easily been Pepto bismol chicken Corvette, right? Like yeah, I feel like he came into the studio, which is like And then he just figured out the lyrics later like expression is so like I don't want to leave this very well Like you're right girls.
This probably one Nickelback song is enough. It's time to go. Yeah, we got our fill and it's morning Jesus They stole those dresses and those business people are like what are those party animals doing? What are they I am trying to walk to my corporate job This is just don't get it. Those are those are the non Nickelback fans right there and those girls are proving Hey, look, you just don't get it. Look at what a good time we're having liking Nickelback So what do you think that this video is really trying to say that? Yes, every Nickelback song does seem like it lasts for 19 hours.
Hey everybody. Thanks for watching that video Please go down and comment if you would You can actually go down and give us comments on what you think the actual nonsensical lyric should have been for this song Come up with your own. We'd like to hear your chorus. Yeah, give us your own varsity gibberish Yeah, the options are endless It's actually hard work because none of those words can be related to one another. Chad Kroger really did something genius here, right? It's like if you flip to a page in a dictionary and then flip to a page in another dictionary in another language dinosaurs are poop |
TheOnion | China_s_Andy_Rooney_Has_Funny_Opinions_On_How_Great_China_Is | Hello, everyone. My name is Daxia.
I'm a student at the University of Singapore. I'm a teacher at the University of Singapore. I teach Chinese at the University of Singapore. All the students are in their own school. They'll receive the certificate. I've been using the university of Singapore since 2008. I've been working with the university of Singapore for about two decades. I'm a teacher at the University of Singapore.
You don't need something like this, let's eat it again and so on! But you can't eat it! The way I read, if you become a student, everyone will be stuck alone. Right now, I'm out of time. I'm a student. All of this, our culture, our social media, is growing in the arts. Let's not take too much time, to study this stuff.
I don't know. I don't know how to speak. But you and your girlfriend, you and your girlfriend are so happy. I don't know how to speak to you, but you can speak to me. I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. That's okay. I will just talk to you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Queensland_Premier_Steven_Miles | Welcome back to the Batooda Advocate radio show. Another big guest. We're keeping this going actually. We've been building momentum this year.
We had New South Wales Premier Christopher Minns in the other day. We had Australian Sex icon and actor heartthrob Angus Sampson. We had Willie Mason. We had Justin Horro. We've had a whole range of people. Yeah, we haven't had the Sex icon Premier from South Australia down from Adelaide. Maybe we'll get him. Been casting a wide net.
I always say that. And we always want to talk to everyone.
We've previously spoken to the Queensland opposition leader, Mr. Chris Ofuli. And today we are speaking to the current Queensland Premier, Stephen Miles.
Thank you for joining us. G'day. Thanks for having me. Now you're joined with, for the listeners, it's myself Clancy Overall and Wendell Hussey here talking to the Premier, who was kind enough to give us this amount of time because there's a lot going on in Queensland, Greater Queensland.
A lot of things that I guess would be demanding your attention right now. How far off are you from an election? I think it's about 197 days or something. So it's not too far away. Do you feel like you've got a lot of things you need to sort out before then?
I do. Yeah.
So I've been in the job about four months now. I'm trying to work through all of the concerns Queenslanders have raised with me and then set out a vision for the future come the election. Now we don't get to see too much of Premiers out here in the corner of the Channel Country. So I want to start off with one of the big issues, one thing that I've noticed.
Just mentioned a couple of Premiers there, Clancy. We've got the typically good looking, lean, tall, AFL kind of build of Peter Malinowskas. We spoke to Chris Mintz, Premier of New South Wales, Newcastle, Sydney and Wollongong.
He's got more of that like nice hair, maybe a centre forward on a local footballing team. His aesthetic is two years sober. That's what he looks like. Yeah. With the hair and everything. He's more of like a footballer.
I'd say with Steven, it's a bit more of a kind of quintessential Queenslander look. Like you look like you could pack into the second row of the Broncos there. And if anyone's seen your Instagram, it's probably fair to say the biggest pipes we've seen at a Premier level around Australia.
Benchpress, what do you do on that? Oh, bench.
About 75. Oh, okay. What are we talking the three sets of 10 there or that's not the one rep max? Four sets of eight, maybe. Oh, okay.
That's very impressive. I do want to know about your health routine. Obviously, you're travelling around, you've got a young family. There's a lot of stuff going on.
How do you stay fit and healthy? Because you obviously look like you have a kind of a healthy balance in life there. Well, I'm not ripped like ballet, as you say. And I'm certainly not two years sober like Minzy. But I just try to get to the gym whenever I can. It's important to stay healthy. It's also good for my mental health.
Yeah. Who's the most stacked in Queensland Parliament? Would it be that cater bloke, Danny Leto? What's his name?
Don Tometo. Yeah. Don Tometo? Tometo is for his size.
He's a little bloke with big muscles. Dabrenny, our energy minister, I reckon.
In fact, Dometo calls Mick arms for legs. Okay. Arms for legs.
Well, it's good to know there's some rapport between the parties. We end up in the gym together every now and then. You occasionally spot for a Cata Australia Party MP.
Now, I want to ask, first and foremost, where did you grow up? What kind of Queensland are we talking about? Because there's a few types.
Out of northern suburbs. So a suburb called Petrie. Pretty typical out of suburban working class place with a train station and a Woolies and a fire station, not a lot else. I do know Petrie and you can kind of keep travelling up there and you end up, yeah, you do end up in the Daybros and the bush, right? Yeah, it's on the way to Caboolture. So that would technically put you in Dutton country.
What happened there? What was different in your life to the federal opposition leader?
Yeah, you know, it's funny.
Dutton and I went to the same school. He's a bit older than me and we do end up at events and stuff together because it's the same kind of community. We obviously had different upbringings and chose different directions.
At one stage, we agreed on something and we were working together on it. And Peter said to me, now Stephen, we're going to have to find enough things to still disagree on for our supporters. And I said, mate, I don't think that's going to be a problem. Was that the Red Cliff Dolphins bid? Was that the one thing you agreed on? That was the one thing we agreed on. We did a joint press conference.
I've seen that photograph. Now, I do want to ask you, do you support the Dolphins or the Bronx? You know, it was really tough.
I mean, the Dolphins were my QRL team and I supported the bid. But after 20 years membership at the Broncos, they're still my number one team. The Dolphins have stolen my eldest, though. Sam backs the Dolphins now and he won't even come with me to Broncos games.
So that's been a bit hard. I think a lot of families are going through that right now. It's a rock and a hard place that you've put us in, Premier.
Now, I want to ask, but what did you do before politics? We're going to ask the basic questions here, because look, you are four months into the role. We remember you as Health Minister.
You got a lot of airtime there, as did every poor bugger that was in that role in every state throughout the pandemic. Brad Hazard, that's another name I never, never needed to know, except for the pandemic, ingrained it into my brain.
What did you do before politics, before you ended up in the Queensland Labor Party and indeed in the role of Premier? Before I was Health Minister, I was the Environment Minister. But before I was elected, I'd spent a bunch of time around politics, because I really decided that was where I could make the biggest difference. So trade unions and staff roles, that kind of thing. Before that, like most people, I worked a bunch of jobs, cafes and stacking shelves at my local Woolies. And while I worked at the Trans Info Call Centre, you know, when you're right, before the internet, you'd ring and find out when to catch the bus. That was, I liked that job.
Yeah, well, that's when your kid doesn't come home from school on time because he's smoking bongs in Musgrave Park. That's the phone number you call and we end up with a future Premier on the other end.
What sort of a family did you grow up in, Steven? Do you come from a working class family? Trade union family?
That's what I was going to ask. Is that in the blood?
Yeah, they weren't particularly political, but they were union members. My dad was a fitter at the Golden Circle Cannery and he worked there for 33 years after leaving school at 14. Mum was a public servant. She worked at Workplace Health and Safety. So yeah, pretty working class upbringing.
My younger sister, Kate, I was the first to go to university. She was the second.
So my parents really worked really hard to try to get opportunities for us. And I reckon that's part of the story of Australia, isn't it? You know, generations working hard for their kids. Finding your way into politics after school there, you mentioned you and your sister were the first to go to university in the family. Queensland's a lot more egalitarian than places like Sydney and Melbourne where it's, you know, it's a pretty shut club and you've got to be part of it if you want to move up the ranks. How did you find it as a kid from a working class family up in the suburbs moving down and trying to get into those inner circles of politics in Brisbane?
It certainly took some time. And, you know, Petrie might not be that far away, but the commute to UQ was an hour and a half on a train to either the city of Toowong or a bus and then a bus out to St Lucia. So that distance, you know, did make it harder.
But I think that gave me a real passion for the kinds of people growing up in the kinds of places I was growing up. And that's what drew me to labour and drew me to politics, really.
Now, we speak to all Queensland politicians about, obviously, one of the more defining areas in Queensland politics, which was the Sir Joe Byocki-Peterson government. We released a documentary last year, The Petuta Advocate on the fine cotton affair, which obviously high-profile members of the Sir Joe government and the Queensland police force at the time were involved in that great bin fire. I would like to know, and I know you've got to be careful here because half of Queensland still really gets quite excited hearing the term, Sir Joe. But what did your old man think of that era of Queensland politics as, you said, a union member, a fitter and turner, probably not that close to building a skyscraper on the Gold Coast and probably didn't have 100,000 acres. Did he feel very represented? And please tell us some of the kind things you might have said about the premier. We were certainly not fans of Sir Joe in our house.
And, you know, the Fitzgerald inquiry, I think I was in grade six. So it was really formative in, you know, I learned about politics from watching the TV news, reading the afternoon telly that I'd bring home. They were pretty damning times on where Queensland had got to. And then I just remember the elation of Wayne Goss winning and taking over and just the pace of change that he brought. I found that pretty inspiring.
I want to talk to you about factions within Labour. This is for the listener. This isn't necessarily for us, but it changes in every state and a lot of people don't understand it. You know what I mean? The libs tend to get out of talking about factions because they say, oh, we've got a broad church and yada, yada, yada.
Rarely, but yes. In the Labour Party, you very much do have this thing going on. And I'd like you to not only explain where you would arguably sit, but also what are the factions? That's a great question. You're right.
The factions are more institutionalized in Labour, although they exist in most organizations, I guess. We have three factions here in Queensland. Labour, I'm a member of the left.
It's a big family, right? We don't always agree on everything, but when it comes to outwardly facing things, you're all united and on the same team. And I certainly find, you know, I've got good friends who can have an argument. In fact, we do. But at the end of the day, they're all good people with good values and we're all on the same team.
What sort of arguments separate the left and the right factions? And what's the third one? We have a third faction in Queensland called Labour Unity, which is the third. It's a smaller grouping. Just wants everyone to get along.
Is that what it is? It's best I don't comment. Yeah. Okay. How would you We're friends, okay.
So what are some of the things where the factions would differ? Oftentimes it's not on the substance. It's on things like timing, you know, how much you can get done, how quickly. We've done a lot in this government that historically have been considered very progressive and we've done them in a very deliberate way. But things like abortion law reform has been decades coming, voluntary assisted dying decades coming and environmental protections that kicked off as environment minister and we've been able to deliver. And it's not really, I mean, mostly they've been agreed with across the factions, but maybe the left has tended to agitate for more of it to happen more quickly. And I think that's a healthy tension to have within the party.
When you were at university, Stephen, you did a PhD that was titled Trade Union Renewal in Australia, Rebuilding Worker Involvement. What did you see were the main issues with the falling numbers in unions and what do you think needs to be done to bring those levels back up again? Well, I certainly wish my thesis had answered all of those questions and fixed all of those problems that it didn't. But what I think it pointed to was while unions will often blame external and structural factors for what's happened there, you know, casualization of work, the breakdown of employer sizes and all of those things are factors. There is plenty of evidence of places where unions have been able to stay strong and continue to grow. And so my main argument was that unions through their strategy and leadership and what they do and how they do it, masters of their own destiny in some ways could do more. So I attract more workers to them. So, yeah, I hear stats quite often where, you know, the average union member in Australia would be a 37-year-old woman that sits behind a desk.
Or a nurse. Or a nurse, yeah, or someone's holding a clipboard under fluoro lights as opposed to, you know, the big burly blokes that you see marching on Labor Day.
When it comes to, you know, the union presence or the trade union movement, who are you dealing with the most? Well, the public sector unions I see probably the most, including, you know, the nurses, the police union, the teachers union. But, you know, the retail sector is still highly unionized here in Queensland. I think that's a good example of where unions can continue to prosper in the modern economy. On the subject of unions, Stephen, I wanted to ask you about this recent deal that has been made with the Best Practice Industry Conditions Agreement, which basically deals with construction workers on government sites.
Talk us through that one and why you thought that was important. So what we've done there is when companies tender for our big projects, so this is more than $100 million, we don't want the key difference between the tenders to be how little they're paying their workers. So what we did was we got the best practice EBA's from the big master contractors and we said that we wanted everyone bidding for those big jobs to have at least that standard. So that they're not competing on who has the lowest EBA rates. Then we added in a bunch of policy matters that are priorities for us, like getting more apprentices trained, getting facilities for women, so female toilets, First Nations employment, that kind of thing. And that's really what our big picks are about. They're about making sure that government jobs are at the best practice standard. I don't think that's unreasonable. I understand that you want best practice on government jobs and you want the best employees coming through and you want to get apprentices coming through as well. But in terms of making sure that companies aren't trying to beat each other on the price for what they're paying employees in tenders, is that about ensuring quality or what is the main purpose of that?
Quality, safety, but also decent wages. The workers that work on our sites, we want them to be well paid, to be able to afford to take care of their families and that's something that I believe in. Then when it comes to things like teachers and nurses, I know health agreements in Queensland are also a lot better than places like New South Wales and Victoria. But when we look at construction sites, government construction sites, where blokes are getting $44 an hour as a fourth year apprentice and some nurses might be getting $50 or less. How do you value construction work at such a higher rate than things like teaching and nursing? And why is it important to be getting these blokes to pay rise and more picnic days and better conditions when it isn't the case for teachers and nurses?
Yeah, you're right. We do try to pay our teachers and nurses and AMBOs more than other states. We'll keep doing that.
It's not always possible to just compare the hourly rate in construction with the hourly rate in a hospital. Our health workers have ongoing contracts with employment where construction workers are much more transient. They don't necessarily know where they're going, whether they've got security of employment, job to job. We do need to attract people to those industries too. So I know there's plenty of sensational headlines to be made out of those conditions. But they are broadly the EBA conditions that you'd get on other construction work sites where they were being delivered by EBA companies. And what we know is that they're not just well paid, but they're safer workplaces, more apprentices, more trainees, more of the kinds of things that we want our projects to deliver.
I want to ask, how did you come to be the successor of Anastasia Palaszczuk? We spoke about Sir Joe earlier, and I don't want to draw too many parallels, but she almost reached dictator status. And I say that as a compliment, but, you know, it's not often that a Labour premier could be flipping seats.
Some of those seats up the coast, you know, in retirement, Liberal voting, Burma towns just flipped during the pandemic.
There's a power vacuum.
It's similar to Wayne Bennett leaving the Rabados now, you know what I mean? We've got to send, they've got to organize for Malmaninga to come down to fill that power vacuum or else the players are going to run rampant. How did you come to be the successor and are you a Malmaninga or are you a Jason Dimitriou? Well, Wayne's doing a great job at Red Cliffs, so we're certainly grateful he left the Rabados.
Like most things, there's a long story and a short story. I was health minister when COVID came, and I think that put me at the center of a lot of government decision making that I might not have otherwise been, certainly that I wasn't when I was the environment minister. And then when the deputy position became available, I'd already been seen as the premier's kind of right hand person because we'd done all that COVID work together. So that made sense. It turns out I wasn't as obvious a successor as I thought I was though. There was a few other people who thought that they might be too. But in the end, I got here and it's my job to prove to voters over the next six months that we're a new government and I'm the right leader. So we go to the polls in end of October there. It does seem like COVID's kind of in the rearview mirror now.
We can't slam the border shut on the filthy southerners and demonize them and tear up contracts for hotel quarantine that rile up the likes of Brad Hazard and get all the Queenslanders feeling good about themselves. What are the battleground issues leading into this election, in your opinion? I get along really well with Brad. When I became premier, he said that was the only thing he disagreed with me on. So I thought that wasn't bad for a labour health minister versus a liberal one. You're right, COVID isn't going to be an issue this election, but healthcare certainly is.
And that's consistently one of the most important things for Queenslanders. I know that cost of living is what people are most concerned about. It's not necessarily something state governments can do a lot about. A lot of it is global factors and inflation and what the Australian government does, but we'll do what we can on that front. Housing, as you know, just these growing pains of the sheer number of people moving here makes it hard to build enough houses. So housing will be a focus, education, community safety, I know we need to do more on community safety. So I think they're probably the top issues going into the election.
Can you tell me what's going on with the kids? Look, I don't want to buy into sensationalism either, but you are hearing horror stories, right? And some would argue, some who want to get torn to shreds and the Batutah Advocate are happy to be that person, some would argue that maybe the kids are a little bit fucked up after COVID. Kids that probably were in violent households had to spend a lot more time in violent households during COVID. School and education was disrupted. We wanted to believe that every single kid had an iPad at home and they could continue their learning through that, but that wasn't the case. There's a whole range of things that happened. Communities kind of have suffered economically as a result of COVID.
What do you see as the lead cause of this youth crime wave spike? I mean, it's got to be more than the fact that kids have figured out how to steal keyless cars. Yeah, I reckon there's something in that.
So there's a generation of kids who had a couple of years where schools would have picked up a problem and found a way to help them. And that didn't happen because there wasn't that contact. There was also a lot of other services that weren't delivered during that period of time, too, so that services that in the past would have visited families at home couldn't for serious periods of time.
And then you've got ice and alcohol. When we first started drug testing young people, about 20% were on ice and now it's closer to, or ice or another drug, now it's closer to 100%. What do you mean drug testing young offenders? Yeah, yeah. So it's close to 100% are taking hard drugs?
Yeah, and I reckon if you looked at what their parents did, that's probably what their parents have done, too. And it's pretty hard to imagine an upbringing like that. And then you layer in social media and just this trend of people boasting about beating people up or stealing cars online. And so it's kind of a whole heap of those kinds of social factors that have come together.
What are your plans to tackle this? I know I've heard that Labor has been in discussions with the Qatar Australia MPs who have been banging this drum for years for Bush relocations as opposed to prison. What are you talking? I know that the LNP is saying remove detention as a last resort from the Youth Crime Act. They just bail not, you know, jail not bail basically is what they're saying.
People will vote on that because that's what, you know, people are desperate in some of these towns. What have Labor got in store to perhaps massage out some of these extreme social issues you've just mentioned? Yeah, you're right. That's a good slogan and oppositions can get by with good slogans. Governments need to do more than that.
And so we're working on a whole comprehensive response. We've been trialling this new high visibility intensive policing and it's proven really effective. So we're going to expand that. We're doing things like putting new helicopters in the air in Townsville to intercept stolen cars before they go on to commit other crimes. That's proven really effective. So we're going to look at where else we can do that. So really focusing in on what police can do to intervene as early as possible and prevent crime as soon as possible, as well as supporting victims and those intervention programs that I was talking about before.
Making sure schools and healthcare are doing their bit. That's a longer burn strategy, but we've got to do both. We've got to deal with the current group and then make sure that we're not adding new young people to that group. Yeah. The immediate things that need to be put in place are completely understandable and that's the remedy. But in terms of the prevention, you mentioned there that schools and the health system need to be equipped. Are we looking at more rehabilitation services for young people? Are we looking at doing things that are a bit more holistic in terms of addressing those societal inequities that are affecting these young kids? Yeah.
More drug rehabilitation, better mental health services, more health services in schools. Most of these kids, their parents aren't going to harass a health service to get them an appointment. We need to get the health services to the schools. And then if you look even earlier, all these kids are born in our health services. They're born in Queensland health services. And I reckon the midwives can tell you each and every one that's going to struggle, each and every one that we should be putting extra services into. And we're working on this strategy called giving Queensland kids the best start in life because if we can do that, we can give them a decent life and also stop them from ruining someone else's life.
I want to preface this next question by saying it's not on the teachers and I totally understand that. But in terms of the school system, they obviously bear the brunt of a lot of this and they start seeing those kids through the formative years and starting to see the kids acting up. And what I've heard anecdotally from a lot of teachers is there is so much in terms of paperwork and policy that does at times prevent them from having honest conversations with kids and stepping in and trying to help the kids almost as a mentor and an adult in their life. Do you see that there are any particular issues with too much policy and overregulation of actual school systems in allowing teachers to better help these kids?
Look, I have heard that feedback. Teachers have said that to me. The teachers union has said that to me.
And we're looking right now at what we can do to alleviate that because if these kids don't have a responsible adult in their life and mostly they don't, then the teacher is the best chance we've got. You'd be astounded at the number of kids that get suspended in prep. Five-year-olds getting suspended. What chance has that kid got?
Longer term, health and education are the key. Of course, immediately we have to use the law and police and law enforcement to get on top of what's understandably a real concern for the community. You want to talk now about you and your dreams and your hopes.
How excited are you for the 2032 Olympics? I was probably a bit more excited a couple of years ago than right now, but they tell me that's how these things always go. That there's the excitement when you get the rights and then there's all of the conjecture and arguments about what venue, where, which sport, when, how to get there. And then it tips back up towards closer to the games with maybe a little blip as we get into other games. So we've obviously got games around the corner and we'll all be celebrating what the Aussies achieve at both the Olympic and Paralympic games. I'm still pretty excited.
What it means for our state, you know, we did some research in key Olympic markets and it was something like three or four percent of people had heard of Brisbane and come the Olympics, that'll be what, 80 or 90 percent. That's, that's pretty huge for the city. If you're a business in the city, if you're, if you're selling your wares around the country, and I know there's, you get, you know, some people in the region say what's in it for us, but I, you know, I think that also puts the whole state on the map. People who come here will come to visit the outback and the reef and the daintree. And so there's lots of opportunities for the whole state.
Well, you are actually, it is a Queensland Olympics. I was just reading before that Country Bank Stadium are looking good to host the soccer, something like that. What I do want to ask is again, the tutor advocates willing to be unpopular here, but once upon a time, there was a plan to have where James Packer's casino now stands in Barangaroo in Sydney. Once upon a time, that was supposed to be an entire sporting precinct from Darling Harbour into the ocean. They were going to have two stadiums, one that finished and sprawled over the actual harbour. That was going to be the whole setup was all going to be in town, walking distance from all of the major index train stations.
It would have been great for football in the years to come. It would have been a great little precinct.
Now it's a giant casino that only rich high rollers from other countries can go to. Bob Carr, I think, was a premier at the time at the last minute, changed it to the old homebush abattoir showgrounds and built the Olympics out there. Look, that went off without a hitch, yada, yada, yada. But to this day, sports suffers because it's a very hard place to get to from the West and the East of Sydney. For this reason, the Batutah advocate formally endorses the Gabba precinct for a Brisbane Olympics.
I'm already hearing that that's not the plan anymore. What are you up against there and what are the alternatives?
Yeah, so we looked really hard at the Gabba and the first costing we got on that was just over $1 billion. That increased to $2.7 billion. It's a really difficult site.
And then as we started to talk to AFL and cricket about what that meant for them for the four years of construction, they then wanted their own other dislocation stadiums. And so it ended up being that we'd have to build three new stadiums.
That just wasn't very viable. I then got an independent committee to look at what the other options were and come up with something cheaper and instead they came back with something more expensive, which really wasn't what I was after. Did you bring in your office that day when the independent review came back? There was, yes. And it was a bit like turning up to a car dealer expecting to buy a BMW, deciding you can't afford it and asking for a Corolla and them telling you you had to have a Mercedes. We couldn't come at that.
So we're still going to spend some money doing what we can at the Gabba, but it won't be a full knockdown rebuild like we'd planned. We do want to still get the connectivity. We're building the big new transport interchange there with Cross River Rail and the Metro. We want to still deliver that connectivity. It'll still only be about 35,000 seats, which won't be what the AFL and cricket wanted into the future. But we'll still do most rounds of the AFL.
In terms of the precincts, I reckon we'll end up with Suncorp Stadium, Roma Street with the new arena. The urban renewal we'll see at Karilpa, then through Southbank, which is still a fantastic place, but is getting added to with things like Fish Lane. We want to connect that all the way around to the Gabba and what we'll see there. And we have our own giant casino coming online soon too, just across that pedestrian bridge at Neville Bonner there. So with that Gabba stuff, is that upgrading facilities, making it accessible, doing that sort of stuff? Because I think a lot of people agree that the Gabba does need some work done to it. It's no longer a modern day stadium.
Yeah, it's awful to get in and out of. And it's bloody hard to get out of and home to Mango Hill, I can tell you. But that'll get a lot easier when the train station's there. And then if we get the right pedestrian links, we've still got to do some work to get disabled access. That's probably going to be the hardest thing.
But the rest of the place can get a refresh. We'll have probably half a billion dollars available to upgrade it. And people who say that it one day needs to be knocked down and rebuilt, as far as I can tell, they never knocked the MCG down and rebuilt it. They just kept upgrading it. I mean, Brisbane is lucky as it stands that all their major stadiums are in town, from Suncorp to the Gabba.
It sucks. It truly does.
Especially when Luke Coombs and the Matildas are playing on the same night and the trains go down. I want to ask, now we've spoken about Brisbane, you know, enough of that, about the regions. Traditionally, there's been two great earners in Queensland. Once upon a time, it was wool. That's probably not the case anymore. But agriculture still thrives and, you know, you have a decentralised population voter base that you have to deal with. Hence why you're probably getting so much curry about the Olympics because, you know, the majority of Queensland don't live in Brisbane.
Mining and resources have also been, you know, historically a great employer. Only recently has it been a good job, a high paying job, but it's always been there. What else is happening in the regions to keep young people employed? You know, something that kids can look to in their own community upon leaving school that isn't in the resources sector. I know the resources sector still, you know, still has a big presence and still thrives in Queensland, but, you know, that won't last forever.
And either, you know, laws will change. Globally, there'll be pressure put on Queensland to change the way things are going. We even saw it federally last election, you know, three green seats in Brisbane and all the teals coming through. Obviously, there's a political movement to transition to something.
I don't think renewables, though, can employ as many people as the traditional fossil fuel sector. So what is there for the kids?
Well, first of all, you know, resources will obviously continue. You're right, there'll be a decline in thermal coal. 80% of Queensland's coal is coke and coal for metal production, though. So that'll still continue for a period of time. But the critical minerals will take over a lot of that. You know, we have incredible mineral deposits that the world's going to need.
So we're going to, we're going to pursue that as well. And where are you seeing those deposits? Mostly in the northwest, you know, north and west of Mount Isa, places like Julia Creek. Yep. So we'll definitely develop that.
You're right, there's not heaps of jobs in renewables, but there's a lot of jobs in the industries that can use those renewables. And so, you know, our task right now is to deliver green energy to those big energy intensive uses like, you know, think the Boyne Smelter. If we can get them onto renewables, then they'll have a long future. If we can't, then they'll be closed down by global markets. So that's really where our focus is, is on getting stored renewable energy for those heavy industries so that they can continue to be the big powerhouse employers of places like Gladstone and Rocky, Mackay, Townsville.
What are some of the ideas that you've brought personally to your job?
Not necessarily on this, you know, this regional transition or not necessarily on the Olympics. As far as I know, you probably didn't even want the Olympics to begin with, but we won't go into that.
I'm just saying every great leader has their own personal mission. And you'll see it in some. There was certainly that in labor prime ministers of years gone by.
You look at someone like, even someone like George Bush, he was very much worried about viruses and the threat of viruses. And, you know, America would have been in a lot of worse state during the pandemic if it wasn't for things that he'd personally advocated for.
What is it that you bring with you as leader that's different? You know, you're part of a party. It's not really a broad church. There's three factions. You argue over things, you all vote on the same shit. What is it that is individual about you and what is something you actually care about as a person as opposed to reforming labor leader?
For me, it is that energy transition. That's your thing? It is.
Queensland is a really energy intensive state. And if we can get renewables to those jobs, then we can protect the jobs. You know, I talked about growing up in Petrie and dad working at a cannery. You know, I wouldn't have gone to university if my dad didn't have a good secure industrial job. And that's what I aspire to for Queenslanders. And that's what will let them give their kids a better opportunity. And in the current world, that means getting renewable energy to their factory, to their processing plant, to their smelter, because that'll secure their jobs and attract other industries here too.
I know both parties often play a fairly straight bat to this, but I thought I'd ask anyway, and I'm curious to get your thoughts on it. Recent council elections in Brisbane saw a huge, huge spike in votes for the Greens. The federal election passed, saw three seats for the Greens. The Greens are doing quite well, obviously, around the country, but they're also doing particularly well in Queensland, which is what a lot of people down south who like to turn their nose up at Queenslanders can't wrap their head around. The fact that Queenslanders, you know, take issues as they come and they have different positions on things and they can't just all be put into one box. They also have the inherent urge to vote the exact opposite way as the rest of the country as well. But the Greens are coming, and the Labor vote, primary vote, seems to be falling away progressively.
At a certain point, it feels like there has to be a conversation between the Labor Party and the Greens about how to move forward together. Down in Tasmania, we just saw the Labor Party say, oh, we couldn't be fucked, we're not going to bother. With the Greens, we don't actually have any interest in forming government. If it's with the Greens, you can just have it. Liberals, do what you want. Where do you see long term and how do you feel about Labor working more closely with the Greens rather than just shutting off from each other and basically drawing lines in the sand and fighting over it?
Look, it's really hard.
Labor, because we aspire to be in government, we need to represent people in the city, people in the suburbs and people in the regions. You can't win government without holding seats in the regions, and the Greens don't have to care about that. So they can take positions that are popular in the inner city but don't represent the views of regional Queenslanders or even people in the suburbs.
So that means we end up disagreeing on a lot of stuff. They can say very populist things and never have to worry about delivering on them. I don't know what the answer is. I know the problem you're pointing to, but it's not getting closer to them. I think it has to be bridging that divide. It has to be talking to young people in the inner city about how their interests in housing are similar to the concerns people in regions have about housing and how we need solutions that will appeal to both of them, not just pithy slogans that might be popular in the city. But those pithy slogans seem to have a lot of support because people look at it, and whether it's through rational views or not, they see some merit in those arguments. Talking about a representative democracy, sure, if Labor wanted to say they represent the regions much greater than the Greens do and the Greens are representing Brisbane, surely there can be some coming together as politicians and going, okay, what can we do to work together to actually achieve outcomes for people rather than just dismissing it? Because there are a significant number of people who vote for them. I would argue that they dismiss that too. They rely as much on brand differentiation from us.
If you look at the way they've paired up, sided with the Liberals on Albo's housing bill, for example, they're politicians at the end of the day. They run a political party at the end of the day, and they're going to do what's in their best interests, and that's very rarely working with us to get better outcomes. Once upon a time, people forget this, before the LNP became one and those agrarian socialists from the land hopped into bed with those Reaganists from the city, you know, once upon a time, you walk into Sir Joe's cabinet and say, hey, we're going to form a coalition with the Liberals.
You just get laughed out as a softcock.
The Queensland Greens are clearly more palatable to the general population than that bant style Melbourne blue hair type. Where have they come from and are there roots in labour in this current, you know, Greenslander archetype, which by the way, I can see them all getting re-elected federally. Well, you're right, some of them did come from labour, and some of them are people who, you know, in a different world would be, would be labour people. The difference for me is labour aspires to be in government, or a party that believes that the best way you make a difference for the people you want to represent is by being in government, not necessarily by protest. And so for me, that's a major different theory of change. And it's why the Greens don't appeal to me.
They're not all like that though, so you know, Jono's pretty out there if you've had a look at him. Yes, familiar with Jono's story.
Now, you said you don't have the luxury to just, you know, appeal to West End and Rosalie, but I want to ask, is there any universe in your lifetime or the next where labour starts winning back the Bush? Like, I'm talking rural, outback Queensland. Where do you think you'd lost them? Because you talk to anyone over the age of, I don't know, 70, and they remember local labour MPs.
The last remnants is obviously the Cata, right? Like the Cata party, Bob Cata himself are the last remnants of Bush labour.
Where do you think you lost them, and where do you think, and can you ever get them back? You talked about the decline of wall a little while ago, and there's a lot less shearers than there used to be. So you know, the Bush changed a lot. The split, I think, played a role there as well. And the Nationals were, at the time, good at moving into that space. It's hard now to think, you know, I can't tell who killed who, the Liberals or the Nationals, because I can't see either of them in the LNP. But it's pretty hard to work out how to get back into those kinds of places. And you're right, we end up competing with, in the places where we did still exist, we end up competing with the Cata's, places like Mount Isa.
We have a lot of seats in regional Queensland, though. You know, we're a government in Cairns and Townsville and Mackay and Rockhampton and Gladstone and White Bay. That's a pretty big part of the state. So what's the difference there? Who's voting for a Labor mayor and a far-right LNP federal member? Well, we see a lot of that, don't we? In the regions where you end up with is state seats that are in the city centre and then federal seats that take in much more rural parts. But there are also seats that, in the not too distant past, we held, like Kevin07 won Flynn and Herbert, like our seats that we can't seem to make inroads in. So also, I mean, we have that in the suburbs too. So we held nine seats in Moreton Bay, I think, and the federal liberals hold the three federal seats, Longman, Dixon and Petrie. Yeah, so the mortgage belt is kind of the two-tiered voter.
Have been, yeah. Well, we've had you for long enough. Thank you for answering as best you could.
Just lastly, President Joe Biden has today revealed that he's kind of thinking about dropping charges against a proud North Queenslander by the name of Julian Assange. Albanese has previously kind of gently lent support to Assange.
Where do you stand as a proud Queenslander?
Look, I reckon it's gone on long enough, hasn't it? Like, sure, I get where they were coming from, where the Yanks were coming from at the time, but that's a long time ago. The bloke's been living in an embassy for years now. Let him come home. There you have it.
Thank you for talking to us, Premier Stephen Miles. We'll maybe reach out closer to the election. Yeah, we'll hopefully speak to you before the election.
I just did want to know, obviously you don't want to think about, you know, the bad result or what might happen 26th of October. If it's a good result, what does it look like the next few days after that? Is it out to, you know, Moreton Island or Strati, a bit of a holiday or how does it go?
Got a bar? I do love the got a bar, but I don't think I'll get there.
Now, if we win, it'll be straight back to work. If we lose, I suspect my phone will stop ringing pretty quickly.
Yeah. We'll give you a call. Do you want to ask our news?
We're kidding.
All the best. Maybe we'll host a debate with you and Chris fully. Yeah. I love the podcast. Hope you come on whenever you'll have me. Thanks, mate. Thank you. All the best. Thank you. Have a great day. |
dropout | did_the_church_actually_hate_copernicus_adam_ruins_everything | The Renaissance, the most innovative and hardest to spell, period in history. During this era, extraordinary scientific minds broke free from the chains of ignorance. Minds like that of Nicholas Scopernicus, who redefined our understanding of the solar system in a flash of inspiration. Actually, Eureka, we aren't at the center of the universe. The earth revolves around the sun! Scopernicus bravely published his theory.
Despite the inevitable wrath he'd faced from the Catholic Church... Scopernicus, we're here to burn you alive! I shall not be silenced! Sorry, wrong again. Scopernicus himself didn't face any opposition from the Church. Because he worked for the Catholic Church his entire life.
Wait, seriously? Scopernicus, how's your work going, you old church bureaucrat? Finished early, boss! In fact, I've been working on my astronomy. I have this new theory I'm calling...
Don't care! Well, maybe they didn't care at first, but when he published his book, they saw the danger it posed to their theology and they burned him alive. Probably. Right? Nope!
In fact, the book barely showed up on the Church's radar! Your Holiness, Scopernicus' new book says the earth revolves around the sun! Who cares, I'm trying to figure out the miracle of how Jesus turned water into wine! But he dedicated the book to you! Oh, what a sweetheart! Scopernicus dedicated his book to the Pope? Yep! In fact, the Church was so tolerant of Scopernicus' ideas that some of his writings were even taught and read at major Catholic universities. Welcome to Not Blasphemy 101! Today we'll be talking about someone the Church has absolutely no problem with, Scopernicus. It was actually fundamentalist Protestants who eventually rejected Scopernicus, because his work contradicted passages in the Bible. For a know about astronomy? Check the Bible! Why can't you fart in church? Bible! Does Scopernicus suck? The Bible says yes!
And when the Catholic Church saw how the Protestants were gaining influence, they started to get worried. No one wants to be Catholic anymore!
What do they have that we don't? Crow nuts? Maybe we've got to switch gears on this whole tolerating science thing.
And when Galileo started looking through his telescope, adding his observations to Scopernicus' theory, that's when the Church really freaked out. Now, this guy is starting with a telescope?
That's it!
Let's hate science ten times more than the Protestants ever did! So the Catholic Church turned from tolerance to suppression, rejecting Scopernicus' theory and banning his book. This class is now Blasphemy 101. Please take out your textbook and throw it in the fire. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_bioshock_2_constume | Welcome to Bleep Loop, we are at the Georgia Aquarium, the world's largest aquarium and home to 450 different types of aquatic life. We're here to talk about Bioshock too, with Nathan Sherritt, who has yet again built an amazing costume. Guess which one of us built the costume?
How you doing Nathan? I'm doing pretty good, yeah. What?
So this seems a lot harder to put on than the big daddy costume, what are the challenges of just getting this thing on? Lots of corsets. The fact that it's made for a girl. In addition to being a Bioshock costume, this is actually a functioning corset, you actually, this really makes you look a little trimmer. It does, it takes at least 10 pounds off, and gives me a nice girlish hourglass. The legs look extremely elaborate, how are we going to get in here? Very carefully, this whole system is engineered and attached to itself to provide structure so these braces aren't going to need to use you for one. Does the big sister have like the same problem that young Forrest Gump had? Did you custom make the beanie cap? Kathy did. So many levels of the costume, like you see it and you're like this is amazing, you would never even guess that you have to make a custom cap to cushion the weight of the enormous helmet on your head. This feels like the biggest part of the costume, was this the toughest part to make to design or was it something more surprising and subtle in terms of the whole costume? As you can see, it's a little bit. Now what was the hardest part, if you can grunt through your asphyxiation? Engineering that so that it could stay in one place on the back and not flop around, all of that actually bolts through the breastplate and then the breastplate is attached directly to the tank so everything is sort of completely secure.
What is the liquid filling the syringes? The blue stuff is Eve, which in the game gives you all your superpowers. I know it gives you your superpowers, I'm just wondering what it is in the costume.
So how does it feel kind of wolverine-ing up with these? I gotta be honest, it's kind of awesome. I really regret making fun of you before now that you have harpoons on your arms. Can I have a dollar? Sure.
This is how Batman got started. Batman built his own costume, designed his own weaponry. You are closer to being Batman than perhaps anyone else I've ever met.
I like that. I like imagining the big sister going through this like before she goes out to terrorize the player. This is it, this is the first time the costume has been, whoa, look out there, whoa, hello. How's it feelin' there? I don't feel good. Listen, if you can't breathe or anything just make a choking symbol, okay, with your arms or wave them around in a panicky way and we'll know.
This is a big sister toy and because you started the suit before the game came out, this is what you modeled it after. Yeah, this is pretty much the only reference image that had a full 360 degree view. So now that you're done with the suit and everything, you don't need the toy anymore so I could like bring this home because you, right? I'll just borrow it for a day. Are you tired of costume design and you would do this again? I would do this again. This is my second costume ever. You're probably the foremost expert on Bioshock costume making that I could think of. Yeah, I mean even the people that make the game, you know, they just draw it and then they put the polygons together in the game but they didn't have to actually construct this and figure out the logistics of putting it together. I hope when I said that there was some dude watching at home that's just like, what? The better Bioshock costume with the gauntlet is now thrown down. Watching College Humor in his big daddy suit. And you guys will battle in this tank riding on whale sharks. |
dropout | the_party_sponsored | We're here at the Amsterdam Pub and Max Fish, two bars participating in the Coors Life Golf Experience and I think I have a hunch, just an inkling that there might be some funny people to talk to in here, so let's go inside and find out. Gentlemen, are you having fun at the Coors Life party?
No, don't worry about me. Of course I'm not.
I'm working. Of course I'm not having fun. I'm working too.
Oh, that's right. Let me interview you. What's your name?
Streeter. Streeter? Like, Streeter? What were your parents doing? They were like, we're going to name him Streeter? It might come out later in a really gnarly way though. All of a sudden I'd be like, Streeter! Oh man, Ariel grew up, huh?
Do you work here? Yeah, I do work here.
This is my second shift. My second shift. Your second shift ever, or your second shift today?
Ever. Did you just get here from Australia? I can't do that accent. No, that was a terrible attempt. Wow, okay. Someone so fresh on the job, already making enemies. You box?
Hit it. I mean, hit it. Hit it. I mean, hit it.
Whoa! That's no joke. Is this an Australian thing?
Because the men there are so rough. They're all like crocodile Dundee, right? And they all just take what they want.
So you've got to stand up for yourself? Yeah. What's the most amount of **** that you've seen gone down? I had an interesting evening where a young lady was spinning around that hole. We were dismounted, smashed into the till, fell, took out all the glasses, and it caught her until she was usually hit the floor. My God, you're a hero. I guess so. Did she repay you by puking all over your shirt?
Hey, we're here with Carly. How are you doing tonight, Carly?
I'm fantastic. Can I say you're extremely sparkly? I am. I'm going to sparkle here and here.
What's the plan for the rest of the night? Party and have fun with all my girlfriends and all the amazing guys out here tonight.
And more sparkles. And a lot more sparkles. A lot more sparkles.
Well, hello. Here's something that would normally never happen to me in my real life, sitting here with a bevy, a beautiful, course-like girl. Did you guys have fun today out there on the course? We had a lot.
Yeah? Definitely. You guys? Yeah.
Ladies, plan for tonight. Are we going to get crazy? Is it going to be fun? Hell, yeah. All right. Well, you heard it here first. It's going to be a crazy, fun party.
Sadly, my time of being a cool dude sitting with beautiful girls has come to an end. Ladies, thank you. Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sports_yankees_saturday_night_live | Let's take a look. Ron Davis for Roy Smolley. Where's that Leave dent? Bring in Shane Rolley. More money spent. Trade Nettles. Lose Randolph? Dump Tommy John. Business is great. Since Reggie's been gone, Trade Mercer. Sell Gidry. Get rid of the goose George. Go sit in Tampa on your big Fat Caboose. You got Lou Panella. You got Rick Sarone. You built a great team. George. Leave it alone. Thank you.
Undercover Cop Bobby Berger of the Baltimore Police Force has perfected this disguise to go into black neighborhoods. Undetected Burger Went on duty last January and is still undetected. nobody has seen him since.
Well, Dr. Thomas Noguchi has been suspended as Los Angeles County Coroner and demoted to physician Specialist with the Coroner's office. Noguchi said he will appeal the decision and in the meantime will continue to practice his specialty at home. Noguchi wrote to Senator Howard Baker for help, but Senator Baker only offered to do his famous Noguchi impression shown here.
I'm sorry Tv's Quincy Jack Klugman celebrated his birthday this week by eating his toupee. Klugman said if he'd known how good it was, he'd have eaten it a long time ago. |
cracked | elvis_review_ft_michael_strauss_aka_everything_elvis_all_at_once | like they don't get to see the whole intro but like you know no I don't think so I think only we get to see the whole intro that's that's just for us anyway welcome to crack movie club the show where we do a book club but for movies which are like books but better I'm your host Jordan breeding and I'm joined by my co-hosts Jesse and Ali say hello hello what's up and we've also got guest and new cracked video producer Michael Strauss can you also say hello if you don't mind also hello that's him that's it that he said hello can you also say hello and so we're gonna be talking about Elvis today the man the myth and the recent film that's just came out and the alternate title that's currently up this snow job which I think is pretty good no one has ever said that word that phrase so many times in any well they've never said it one time but in this they said it 40 times I did go look it up afterwards to be like is that real and it is real but I cannot find what it like means means like I was like my like what I made up in my brain was that like it's that feeling of like walking into a storm that's like it's like a white out and you like don't know where you are and you sort of lose direction and but it's like a little exciting and a little scary made that up in my brain and I want to go look up like if that is true and I cannot find like the definition of what it means so I think anybody knows I'd love to know I think it's a sexual rendezvous with Jack Frost the snowman who is by the way is a historical figure Jack Frost is not I'm also related to him Johnny Appleseed doctor Manhattan all the big wow so big that's me baby so for those of you that are watching for the first time ever feel free to throw comments suggestions slurs I know you people in the chat and we will star the ones that are interesting to us and or specifically to Brian Brian is managing all that and then at the end we'll talk about some of that stuff and also we do please don't throw slurs Brian is quick today and we'll also do alternate titles so if you could think of a better title for the movie Elvis then Elvis throw it in there more better than snow job but good luck alright so I'm gonna I'm gonna recap this movie real quick and we'll dive right in this movie is about Elvis Presley who's a real person now see they didn't explicitly say that so I wasn't so it is Elvis Presley got it okay yeah I thought it was a different Elvis it's not of course I thought it was Elvis from the Z morning zoo I don't know what that is but again you are nobody grew up in your 110 block radius of your neighborhood it's New York City it's z100.3 Ali how are you yeah I live in Virginia and I'm never gonna leave no matter how hard I try Michael why did we watch this movie why do I just movie you know Elvis is obviously this huge icon he he represents a lot of Americanism rock-and-roll however you want to cut it Elvis is way too famous for his own good or perhaps in Baz Luhrmann's view he deserved even more fame but was inhibited by his overbearing manager Colonel Tom Parker who was not a Colonel and the name was not Tom Parker so we have those kinds of like fallacies that we don't even understand about Elvis that are kind of exposed throughout this movie it's a very interesting take on who Elvis was and yeah Austin Butler is kind of incredible in the movie which is whether you have like positive or negative thoughts about the film it's that in and of itself kind of makes it worth watching I think personally you know I actually got to sit down with an Elvis Elvis tribute artist and got to talk about this a little bit and he also Elvis tribute artist by the way is the proper terminology that you use for Elvis impersonator so that's very important that everyone knows this is that because not to offend the tribute artist community is that because a tribute artist like goes through like wanting to do like an amazing like vocal impersonation and they perform as them or as like an impersonator is like a guy who just like stops you on the street and like isn't really like dedicating themselves to the craft yeah I think they're separating themselves from the Times Square community you know just it's a there's a distinction if I was the person who did Elmo I wouldn't want someone to be like I saw Elmore in the in Times Square you're the same I'd be like it's not the same mine craft yeah that's not the part they're changing but sure that's the good metaphor not like I'm gel this this guy was really cool by the way we should any he he does shows in New York right like in Queens we should all go check it out sometime all over like Brooklyn Queens my pants you're taking off your pants 100% I was inspired I was inspired by how absolutely lawless the women were in the movie doing stuff like that in solidarity if you want him to take his pants off you should take off your pants as a gesture of token of goodwill good faith yeah I mean like it's more like he didn't take his pants off but he would like pick it up and be like so there's a there's a lot of scenes in the movie that are that didn't happen in real life but that scene where he deep throats the microphone that did yes yes so many times in the last week that's what a snow job is that's a snow job singing Santa Claus songs in the as it happens so we have found that this podcast seems to do better and get better reach when we say something controversial so Jesse has a hot take that he'd like to begin with I think okay I think they they probably glossed over the the like racial insensitivity of the rise of Elvis like my my what so before I really like galvanized my hot take I would love to hear accounts from contemporary black artists of the time and see if they were actually cooled him but the way I understand Elvis and his rise to being like the king of rock and roll is that he did benefit from the music and the culture and the dance moves of black artists whether he did it purposely or not he would not have you know landed where he did without it and so it seemed a little weird to me where they were like oh don't worry he was kind of sad about Martin Luther King getting shot so like he's an ally it's cool yeah there was there was an interesting moment where I don't know why the guy made me think of Lionel Richie for some some reason but the the guy that was dancing and playing the piano and going nuts in whatever Club Richard Lee it was a little Richard was a little Richard yes little Richard okay not Lionel Richie but little okay yeah sorry you know similar structures of names anyway he they literally say at some point he's like I want to record that song and the guy's like well it'll do a lot better if you do it than if he does it yeah yeah and they like cool there's no like him writing that guy check or anything it's just very the movie definitely does a good job and like hey anytime a person is like one-of-a-kind it's probably because behind the scenes that you don't know they have benefited from something which I think is like a very fair take about basically anybody who's famous and I do like that it like went out of its way to do that while it was like lionizing this person is like an American icon but like yeah I don't know like I was happy that the movie like took some time to point it out without necessarily going into like a evil versus good sort of thing but then it did sort of go way over the line when people would be like ah Elvis you can do anything they're not gonna get you you're a sweet little white boy and I was like no one talked to him like this there's simply no way that any human ever opened their mouth and said these words yeah and like that kind of discourse it feels like a much more modern discourse like just that string of words probably didn't happen in the 50s right right I think like I thought it was really interesting so I didn't know until this past week the whole thing with his manager being this Dutch freak with no passport and all that which is super interesting but I don't even think it's enough but I think it's like a weird thing for them to have made that the whole window that we see Elvis's career through I would much rather they tackled it from a historically accurate sort of presentation of like his connection to the black artist community that feels more important to me than being able to have Tom Hanks in a fat suit like sitting down and like talking about like their their parasocial slash actual real relationship with Elvis through time as like collaborators I get that that would be cool yeah that sounds interesting to me well I think a better vehicle I think you're just saying that like instead of the entire perspective being Colonel Tom Parker could have been at least in this instance BB King or something could have been like him watching the rise although sure it seems like their relationship was maybe overplayed as well a little bit guys if Tom Hanks hadn't been the window into this movie we did never had a moment where he sits at a poker table all by himself turns around spikes the camera and says I don't remember what but just sort of like you don't know Elvis I so I feel like to your point Jesse I think the thing that I struggled with the most I the cinematography is amazing although I will say it does a it does a lot of like do you know that you're watching a move you're watching a movie it's a movie movie movie because it's so the transitions are so impossible and so crazy and even just weird crap where they're like on the tarmac about to get on an airplane and like that's the cgs-looking freakin airplane I've ever seen in my life just weird like everything has to be this surreal world of crazy I thought that was all really cool and really interesting but I almost wish it was applied to a mythical character because I I struggled to know what was like I just never bought in that this was actually Elvis I mean I know that a lot of it was and obviously Austin Butler as you pointed out Michael is amazing and he at least gives the impression of Elvis and I think he's very Elvis like but as far as like his history and his life I was just struggling I was like is this real or is this it all feels so played up and so fairy tale that I think that that ties into what I think is my like number one critique of the movie which by the way I really liked I had like a great time and the end drags like a lot because the movie's like very long but basically until then the movie to me like flew by and it's like anchored by like an incredible star-making performance and it looks insane it's great it's also terrible at times but like I say that with love I don't know how to explain like why I feel that way whatever I'll get to that but like my main critique of this of this sort of feeling like you're apart from this mythological creature is that like none of it was about his creative process at all and for like a movie had one well and so I'm saying wouldn't it be cool if we actually did know like what what his creative process was and so to me it is weird to choose to make a movie about an artist and like never show them like actively creating there's a lot of performance sequences which will by the way work amazing that like montage of him doing the residency in Las Vegas where it's like all the different outfits and all that if like that's all so much fun and there's one scene where he's doing the residency and and and Las Vegas where he's like you'll do this and you'll be on the drums and then do that and then do that at the octave there's only one scene of that in the whole movie otherwise you're just being like I'm gonna record hound dog cut you hound dog know like how he wanted to change it that even the one part where he's like we got to do something Bobby Kennedy got shot and then the next day he has a fully finished song you don't sing like no there's nothing there was no insight into like the brain of the man and like he I don't know if you're aware that he never wrote anything ever he never wrote a single song he only played songs that other people wrote for him I actually thought it was interesting when they showed him shouldn't buy the piano kind of reading about here's what we're gonna do to talk about freedom or right whatever after Bobby Bobby Kennedy's been shot I was like I wonder if that's actually playing it up because he didn't write anything he was just like good at guitar and I was like no and it's so weird that like I've seen it I have now seen two hours and 40 minutes worth of movie about a man and I am no closer to understanding I don't even know if he is that good at the guitar like I don't even know if he could play that much guitar because there's so many times he stops strumming and yeah and then he just laid down yeah he uses it as like it and it's like one of those motif it's like a joke one of those rhythm guitars where they they put enough dudes around them where it's like you could play or not you see this ironically in like mega church worship stuff where they're like 38 people with guitars on stage but only like two were ever playing at any given time it's just like an aesthetic it's just like just imagine if this was audible in any sort of way and I feel like that's that's what he's doing oh I was gonna say those I was reading about him today and there were certain things like where he at one showcase or something relatively early in his career he got paired up with some drummer that had been playing a lot of strip clubs and so they had some weird beat that really worked and they just started doing that under him so to your point Michael he's like who knows what he's playing but all the bad behind him would just be like we're gonna do this crazy rhythm now and they talked about his bassist would just try new things and it's a little bit like the that scene and walk the line and it's parodied and and I think you should leave in a billion other things where they're just like play some in G and they're like like they're just playing like they didn't write songs back then at least initially in the same way that you think traditionally now where it's like oh every like especially like a like a more intentional band or whatever they're just like yeah we just start riffing or it's like what's that movie that thing you do where he just like starts playing a different drum beat and they're like oh we all got to do it and everybody starts freaking out cuz that's how easy it was to be good at music and another Tom Hanks movie yeah Ali goes better than anybody how easy it is to improvise music it looks easy because it is because it is easy because you can just make anything up and nobody will ever question you I mean I guess it is sort of I guess it is sort of like one of those things where if you give somebody who is an artist enough time and space they will produce something of quality and that like a lot of people out out there like aren't producing stuff because it's like unbelievably prohibited prohibitive to rent a studio space and a lot of the movie Elvis is him just like walking around an empty studio being like I gotta think and like he has like so much time and money and people around him to think that it's like he didn't think he didn't think on his own I think I watched this like Charlie Rose interview with BB King somehow and they're talking about Elvis in it and he's and which is like a testament to the BB King relationship I don't know if BB King and him actually had that strong relationship but BB King is saying that he saw Elvis in the bars all the time and he was just this like tall good-looking guy who was extremely talented and once he stopped doing the rockabilly music which was like the early Sun Records stuff that and they get again they don't talk about this at all in the movie but like after he starts doing that stuff he started to just be extremely impressive and he did you know these black music styles that essentially everyone claims were ripped off but you know the movie I think says that it's inspired I don't know I think that's the movie's take but yeah it's it's just it's really interesting and it's really cool as Ellie's saying like visually there's a lot of cool stuff I mean it's a little long again especially as it it's like as it gets sad like it's not a happy it doesn't go anywhere fun it's just like oh right he dies spoiler but I think some people would argue that he died some people would say that's not a spoiler some people would say he lives that's true do we see his dead body in this movie I don't know so he may have escaped oh well there's a post credit scene but where you come yeah Elvis will return in the post in the post credit scene there's like a body bag and then the hand goes out and it's like wearing a ring that's his EP you know it's Elvis so and it grabs a guitar yeah yeah and again all I was gonna say is that it didn't necessarily detract it's not like it detracted from the movie the way that it was filmed but definitely detracted from my ability to like connect and believe that it was portraying something real even though it was but it was sort of this this fable version of Elvis maybe I don't know I don't know enough about Elvis which is why we've got a friggin 1015 Elvis in the chat helping us out but it's just I think I just it goes so quickly that I didn't fully this is always my thing I guess is you know I need more daddy-daughter relationships so I can connect with the characters or something it just ripped through things so faster he's like he's got a girlfriend she's gone she's got a mom they yell she's dead dad I'm so mad at you it's like in the scenes I don't know if we have yet invented a word for this the style of filmmaking that Elvis is it is certainly maximalism but it's also everything in ism it's everything but the kitchen sink in ism every possible narrative device visual device editing device everything that has yet been invented for film is in this film which I think is probably pretty polarizing I think they're probably some people who watch this film and are like that was impossible to watch my eyes hurt and I think they're probably some people who were like oh my god it was like a visual masterpiece I was never bored it was incredible but like it will be like hey Elvis liked comic books okay hold on this has not happened in the movie before and it will not happen again what if we had a comic book sequence it's animated and then it is and like that like anything goes at any time there are no rules sometimes there are 18 squares and all of them are Elvis sometimes Tom Hanks talks to the camera like it's like there's no rules like it's just whatever I feel like in this moment it was emotional it was a very emotional film and I think it was very evocative and definitely lacked I mean everyone's like I wish I saw the you know day-to-day more of the day-to-day or a little bit more of this like an actual scene right yeah but it was just so emotional it was like this is what to me it was like this is what it was like to experience Elvis to sit and be wowed and be like I've never seen anyone like this before yeah I am now going to rip his clothes off I mean I don't know I will say that like that is it didn't make me like kind of jealous not like of specifically seeing an Elvis show you're gonna go different emotional route don't worry I'll get there I just mean like when when you watch a portrayal that like is then backed up by like real footage where people are acting exactly the same way they acted in the film or women are just like it gets me like I like I'm like that sounds that's crazy like I want to experience what they're experiencing and I will say that like the closest thing I've ever seen to that in real life is that I'm like a huge fan of Prince and I had been since I was like six which is sick thing to say and his estate is very careful about what material they put out but they have like tons of concerts filmed and things so like if you like subscribe to the Prince the official Prince YouTube channel the estate will be like cool we're gonna put up this concert from Minneapolis and from 1987 it's gonna be up for two weeks exactly if you want to donate to whatever this is the thing that we're choosing but otherwise it'll be up for exactly this amount of time and then we're taking it down and then like after it's gone it's gone and so I have watched many many many Prince concerts that were filmed and women are passing out passing out women are losing consciousness and being taken out to the lobby to recover from whatever it is that they are experiencing and the fact that I never got to experience that in person is probably my greatest regret well I feel like I'm always surprised by how like there there's always like a new pop culture celebrity that gets that sort of like like gets people that like mass aroused so like Justin Bieber had had that moment like as you think people were passing out at Justin Bieber concerts I think so I remember the media covering it as such and then so we got Bieber that I remember when they first started comparing him to Elvis because he went from being like a little precocious kid to like a sex symbol it was still too young but but was getting becoming like the hottest thing in music also just look at like look at all kinds of kpop like like right now there are people passing out just watching YouTube videos of their favorite kpop concerts I actually think that like the the best example would be like Harry Styles for sure yeah people do love Harry Styles but are they like getting like emotional emotionally sexually charged over Harry Styles the last like years so but are they like worked up into a I don't know I've never actually been to Harry Styles concert but and again they're not getting put on YouTube I'm just a difference between like fan obsessive behavior and what was what was possessing those women in that concert you know I'm saying like that feeling of like that one of the best scenes is one of the first like country music concerts he plays where he like whips it out I don't know what you would call it he does one of his songs it's not like Cody Smith McPhee's song and women just start being like ah sorry like and like because like something is like something's happening to them like and I loved that scene it was like very well-acted and funny but also real and like that is not obsessive behavior that is not like I know every member of the band's name and I love them they're gonna marry me that is like something inside you coming out that is like you can go have like you don't have like control over it so you know I actually read the Atlantic had an article about this not that long ago and I wish I could remember more of the conclusion of it but this is like there's some sort of phenomenon to it where Beatles had this you know they stopped playing partially because they couldn't invent sound equipment louder than screaming women at their concerts they just like couldn't project and they're like screw this like we're artists this is not what it's about we're gonna go to India forever but they like this thing keeps happening and it's unclear but I think Tom Hanks did a pretty good job of at least starting to positive theory which is like the most attractive things and maybe particularly to teenage women that scream is this voice why can't so he said early on and I was sitting there being like that can't be West Virginia is that is that some crazy backwards-ass town and then it became neither lost or whatever and I the accent just okay I heard somebody I heard somebody that just it doesn't make any sense to me I can't place the accent I saw a tweet that was like he his performance was inspired by grotto the Star Wars little freak I think that's a different ethnicity but it doesn't matter I basically he's saying like they're seeing something that they're not sure they should enjoy because of the moral implications however they very much do and so they're having a hard it's like the inner turmoil of it then leading to screw it I'm just gonna roll with it and then I think I think there's sort of also like there's a sunk cost fallacy in there where you're like well once I've screamed and I've given myself over to the sin of watching the junk bounce I should just go for it because you you can't half-assedly be like kind of like letting it hit you in the side of the face and being like I don't know maybe I like it you gotta you gotta tug it this is something I hope my daughter's never here weirdly we have talked about this feeling on this podcast before about watching movies that are like slightly inappropriate for you when you're a kid and like excitement and the draw and the fact that you can like go back to a movie that you objectively can see is not great but like you're still like this still shaped me though because like I felt like it was just sort of like parting Pandora's box and I was like you don't get to know about that yet but you've had a little taste so go think about that for a while twelve-year-old and you're like risky business yeah it's just like stuff that like sort of warms into your brain and then you're just sort of like why did why did Drew Barrymore look like that in that Batman movie?
Do you know what I mean? and then you're and then like that's it like it's like well I can't tell sorry I don't know about that feeling of just like getting a taste of something a little too scary a little too sexual a little too something and you being like oh I wish that you would given me a little bit more I'm a little scared to find out but I also want to know and that like that can like wire your brain basically permanently well and it's so all the music that we've described that affected people in this way is all generally pretty tame right like you don't see people at a guar concert being like ooh like I'm giving in to my girly fandom instincts because it's it's too far right like I think it's all these things that straddle that line like if you're watching an NC-17 like slasher where people are getting shredded as an eight-year-old you're probably not like maybe I'm not allowed to watch you're like oh this is terrifying to me at a deep level and so I they're back speaking up we missed you last week I know I was like where do I sex cheap tender cheaper than tender it's like it's cuz I'm talking about Elvis talking about Elvis getting everyone round up yeah they were not horny for old clearly but my point being that like even Prince it's all these people that do a good job of just just pissing off your parents basically like they're not they're not really I mean Elvis actually seems to have pushed a little bit harder because he was arrested he was yeah legal legal stuff nobody's arresting Harry Styles because he's talking about watermelon sugar and you're like what overseas he has to fight for our country bye bye yeah I'm in Dunkirk that'll teach him yeah they based Elvis's life off of bye bye birdie yeah everybody was first and then they were like wait a minute that's crazy you invented a guy yeah anyway so I agree with you I think that's the best the most fascinating part of the movie for me was just seeing that depicted and being like I how did anybody hear frickin hound dog and like just just try and get at the the peen of the man saying it like it's just such a dramatic thing and they did a pretty good job of like no yeah I guess I could get up there I mean I'm eating popcorn right now but what I'm done maybe I think of all the things the movie does because it does a lot of things it definitely like captures the tenor of Elvis concert the emotional heights his what he's truly good at what he moved and danced and sounded like what that made the audience feel like it's very immersive in that sense and that like I feel like if you were an Elvis fan who like watches and has seen all of his concerts I feel like watching this movie makes you go yeah totally like they have accurately captured what makes this guy so special and I think if you're not I think it's like oh okay I see I mean I wouldn't take off my pants but I get it like you know I'm saying like like I feel like is that of that is like the movie's greatest that's the movies real strength is like being like yes you can see right you can see how this happened you can see why people went nuts and you're like yeah I got it I do Michael I think I do we mentioned that that yeah you hired a not an impersonator what's the right way to be an artist Elvis tributeist tribute artist for a video that's now out on our on our snapchat on movie club what I really liked about that some of my favorite parts were the tribute artists talking about what what's his Austin Butler got right down to like the minute minute movements what do you remember some of like the specifics of the shit that like that this guy was impressed with yeah I mean some of it's like a little you know esoteric it's like you know it really it's like a very specific moment but a lot of the film talks about like some big concerts that Elvis had and one of those is like this big comeback he had in 1968 so this guy this should be our artists names Lamar Lamar Peters look him up and he he loved what he did in that when he sings I think uh hound dog and it's like everyone's seeing him sing this song for the first time in like 10 years so and everyone is now comfortable with it and familiar with it so he says that Elvis had to kind of hit this move and he even couldn't do it but I mean I would kind of get up and do right now but I'm afraid I'm gonna knock everything over watch the video I actually kind of do it in the video but he talks about how everyone does actually this is in Vegas more specifically but he talked about everyone like does this thing where they like swing a microphone but actually he's just like shaking his body and the microphone swinging is like a byproduct of that movement so he was saying like Austin Butler got that got that right and this guy like you know performs as Elvis constantly consistently so I think that all of those things are extremely like interesting to know like someone who's studied the ins and outs of every leg shake the other thing was not doing too much says a lot of people who go to do Elvis just want to do too much and constantly move but it was actually like in certain moments of I don't know like fear or anxiety where he started to do a lot of these movements yeah that makes it sound like he is very similar to the lead singer from taking back Sunday I don't know dude I was just thinking that I feel like yes I wasn't you that crossed your path or not that are you talking about that one clip of him like recent recently oh no I just in all of his music videos he tapes up his mic and he throws it around that's like his you gotta make damn sure and then I'll throw his mic in yeah no what he's doing is a lot more interesting than what Elvis is doing I think but different for sure I've always said take you back Sunday is like Elvis but better well now I don't know what the hell I was going to talk about yes the Elvis person mentions Elvis had a strange fright that they do show that in the movie it's kind of like he wiggled it just happened that his fear is sexy which is a man I do understand him like I can't access the voice if I can't move I get that that like makes a lot and like that I feel like many people say that as artists in some way or another of just being like the instrument is not separate from the body the body the body creates the instrument like I you don't get the performance you want even just vocally if I can't like a move behind the mic like like you know they're in the recording studio and they're like Elvis you're moving too much the mics not picking you up yeah and then he's like I gotta swing these hips or I can't sing the way I sing I don't know it's there were some Dewey Cox moments in this movie where they were like Elvis how very you guys are yeah you can't do that specific thing that's against our societal norms there was a show this you don't want out of this shit you know what it makes you feel amazing Elvis stop okay there this is for no one and I apologize maybe Michael we'll see there was a show that was on Broadway and it was called the Cher Show and it was about Cher's life did anybody see Cher show Michael I didn't see Cher I know Cher is but I did not see the Cher show okay the Cher show was was Elvis but for Cher on Broadway they had three different women play Cher throughout her life but they also could all be on stage together talking to each other the script was beyond beyond what words can explain and it was awesome I mean I will say that I feel I felt molecularly changed when I walked out of the Cher show I felt I was a different person and I still feel I'm different I had that before and after two different two different women was it good simply no it was one of the worst things maybe ever on Broadway stage but the dialogue would be like come on Cher it's 1968 have some pot and this movie was the closest I've ever gotten to recreating what it felt like to see the Cher show at one point during the Cher show she's talking to Sonny Bono and they're on a black stage there's no set she's just talking to Sonny Bono and then she goes Sonny are you really dead he goes yeah why didn't I see that tree these are lines from the Cher show this happened so really honestly I think I might have loved Elvis because I was like this is Cher show one person has seen it I'm good they're gonna just absolutely go mad sorry my cat just burst into the Cher show we're shat and Cher I mean it was spectacular it was so bad it was horrible but it was so long was that I'm brought when what when did this exist it was before the pandemic so I'm gonna say it was like winter of 2019 ish recent though I was imagining no no no no no it's like a deep memory of yours that is like Stephanie Jay block won a Tony Award for it not long ago like this just happened it and it's like every rule you've ever learned about writing or stagecraft they went what if instead we tried it and it was a lot of just her being like stop with those drugs 2018 2018 great I did hear Boslerman though does that he's like hearing people bring stuff and he's like that's a great idea let's let's bring that into my vision more so maybe that's all these likes like animated secrets there's just like everything I like I have to say I respect it I can't say with certainty that it is good but it is they are yeah another thing that I felt like he like very purposely cribbed was there were moments that felt like the was the Beatles documentary the like million-hour Beatles documentary that came out last year yeah let's get back it was all the footage of them in the studio and stuff and there were times that it felt like they set up their 3d animated studio my god everything was 3d animated they felt like they set it up to be like that and and that one scene where they had him sort of like composing this huge group to write a song it felt like they were trying to recreate like you know when whatever song it was that they got on tape the Beatles making in real time we're like alright so that was very popular last year and you want to give me that experience again fine I'll take that along with this like smorgasbord of every other type of cinema yeah I just love in movies when they have scenes where somebody is pulling a sneaky a sneaky rebellion but it involves the coordination of hundreds of people and so he's like Tom Hanks is like now he's going to do the Sandy Claus song yeah great and then like 200 extras and the cameraman and the musicians and Elvis and the dancers everyone working overtime again Billy from the stranger things are all like down it and it's just like how did Tom not figure that out honestly my one of my major questions about the movie was why did the singer sewing machine people keep coming back they'd be like damn that Elvis see you tomorrow and then like Tom Hanks would be like I convinced them to come back tomorrow you better do it I'm not doing his accent is it German because those are two very distinct types of accents but I didn't feel like he was in either of those yeah did he have an accent like did this guy haven't I don't know if he actually did real guy yeah I watched a video of the real time where to you swear to you there was a video that somebody posted recently of this guy he has an accent sort of like in in Jordan's words the liqueur of an accent just like a taste and it is nothing even close not even not even close to what Tom Hanks is doing in the movie Tom Hanks has gone why he has fully made his own decisions and he's seeing them through to the end I don't know yeah well I just I just love when they're like there's one guy up in the control room freaking out because somebody has secretly disseminated entire scripts to 400 different people and somehow he didn't happen to get one I just love those seeds just impotently like what they're gonna do said class soon I promise yes I saw a tweet that I would like to read cuz it's it will put this in better words than I ever could try this is from Emma G Garland and their assessment of the movie was I just saw Elvis and I fully believe that the last thought I will ever have in this life is how Austin Butler gave a career launching genuinely Oscar-worthy performance and had to split the screen time with Tom Hanks bowling around a fat suit going DC's increase moose that's it the next day he's wearing the Christmas sweater where it's like this will remind that this is what we're doing if I if I fully embodied the spirit of Christmas if I come to them as jolly as possible maybe they'll actually do what I'm literally paying all of these people to do presumably I just it's funny cuz it's like who writes the checks I guess you just do whatever Elvis says but yeah I don't know and then he was like sitting on the Hollywood sign being like this is where I come to think everybody knows this now but like the Hollywood sign is not easy to get no and it's like fully illegal to be there's no way that Elvis used to go kill some time by walking to the Hollywood sign well I also love that he was like he's like when I got here originally this was pristine but now it's post-apocalyptic yeah like pull out and there's like the sign is butchered and just suddenly it says television instead of Hollywood is that was that a metaphor you catch that no no that was that was one of their crazy transitions that was just sky sometimes sometimes it's on a newspaper they can do any transition they want Jesse because they haven't decided what the real couple roulette wheels yeah it's like the moon becomes an RPM which the more the dripping morphine into the bag that twists upside down and then you see the lights through the bag and it zooms through the bag and then you're in a casino it's anything you want it to be there simply no rules sell this who is our resident historian suggests that the Hollywood sign is a metaphor which is undeniably I think everything's a freakin metaphor but it's still just that I but again that comes back to my thing where I'm like what is real yeah what is just like it feels like he was on a sad Hollywood sign oh hey was having a hard time trying to figure out his life come back oh thanks that was good yeah great water yeah I feel like we've been or at least I've been just like dunking on some of this movie but Michael I'm not sure if you know what things happen in the movie that actually happened in real life do you have that in-depth knowledge oh I look this I mean like I don't know you know there's there's some things that like happened like the 1968 special like what you see Austin Butler before that did happen the orchestration behind the flipping of the camera etc etc I think is probably somewhat fabricate and it's definitely fabricated that Elvis Saturn was like I need a we need a song yeah Bobby Kennedy got shot last night for this one for Bobby like yeah I don't I don't think it was meeting start the fire yeah exactly but I I don't know it's like you know we're talking about mythology and like tall tales type stuff you know compared to iconography it gets tricky when where you draw the line because this person I don't know you guys ever hear that like idea between like what's real and what's true right we always remember sort of what's true about a person right the true version of that person but what's real is typically a lot of stuff that we'd choose to forget yes and also that in the telling of a story sometimes in order to make the most emotionally true right fiction it's not the real story it's like a whole jail you all ever have to read the things they carried in high school Tim O'Brien I was just gonna say that yeah I mean an amazing an amazing work of fiction slash reality slash fiction slash yeah the whole central thing of that is he either did or he did not kill somebody in Vietnam but it doesn't matter because he felt like he killed somebody yeah there's a whole story about like his friend who wasn't brave enough to save another friend out of the mud and then like later in the book he's like in any way that friend was me so that's fun you're like whoa I don't know whatever read the book graders read the book ninth graders it's a great book I'm gonna pull this one up they forgot to put the part where he switches with the tribute artist that lives in the movie Bubba Hotel have you seen have any of you seen Bubba Hotel these words mean no words to me I literally read this is three times this is one of these this is one of these movies that I feel like only I and Dave who films all of our stuff has seen it is Elvis switches lives with a tribute artist goes to a retirement home where he lives with if I'm not mistaken JFK who's still alive but also a black man so probably not actually JFK and a few others and they're attacked by a mummy and they have to fight it off but they're all a bunch of old crazy men and it is it's Bruce Campbell so it's got a little bit of a Sam Raimi vibe it's kind of horror but it's obviously comedy and this came out this year no that's us no we did not come out this year that says 2002 my eyes are bad this is 2002 we should watch that sometime because it is so freakin weird but it's it's wonderful Ali's got that thing that Liz Lemon's brother has where yeah I got a concussion on a ski trip and it's never past it's not past 2002 for me ever again it's the opposite of my thing where I didn't create new memories after 1998 anyway so we should watch Baba Hotel but in the meantime oh really quick things that are not so true in real life so Tom Parker was not a great dude but probably not as pure evil or as specifically like planning everything to the nth degree that he was in this movie so like it's unclear if he specifically worked out a specific Las Vegas residency deal that was as clear as that also the girl that he marries first his first wife she's 14 when they're hanging out initially they make her look not 14 so that's that's a little bit glossed over a couple other little things like that Priscilla Presley was 14 when when they're in Germany the daughter of an Air Force general or something yeah that changes their like conversation so much because they're speaking as peers they're speaking about like like I think she's even like in army fatigues or something but like what's really gonna happen is she's gonna talk about like what's happening in seventh grade or whatever she's like man I just hate math he's like I know baby yeah I don't like math either and she's like we have so much in common we both have to read the things they carried this year in school I also this is just a general thought now that I said math with that voice I think I am surprised how often it happens to creatives and maybe this makes sense but they don't like nobody gives them a bank account that they can look at like I just think it is I mean some of this is a trophy thing from movies but some of it is real life where artists keep just realizing they're broke one day and I know yeah they're essentially a whole business and there's people running things and there's money moving everywhere but I'm still surprised that like it's not more frequently set up that they draw a salary or something so there's a there's a some sort of way that they could keep track of it because in every movie that's ever happened in any creative person ever wakes up one day and is like oh my god no money negative money I'm just surprised I'm like I know exactly how many dollars I have yeah but then they always they always justify it like they did in this movie but they're like well Elvis you spend a lot of money just look at this hotel room and think that's it they'll never tell you yeah and then they're like well I guess you should like I love to they're always like you spent it on the girls and it's always like are you suggesting prostitutes or she just like buying lots of Xboxes for the women he hooks up yes it could go either way anyway it doesn't matter uh yes getting other things before we we kick it over to the to the fans I'm not saying it's not true Elvis I'm just saying it's crazy that it keeps here Elvis I'm sorry it's true I couldn't I couldn't do the math I uh very well again like I said there are definitely parts of this movie that I did not think were like good but like if somebody if I was at like someone's house and they were like oh we were gonna watch Elvis tonight sorry you've already seen it I would be like that's fine you should turn it on like do you mean like I've never not watched this movie again I would actually hope to watch it and experience some new level of macro vertigo the movie did give me vertigo at one point I was saying before it started but there was like one point where the camera was like spinning it was like it was like going through a Las Vegas sign and then it spun upside down and then it went in a window and then there and then and then there were a lot of things on the screen and it started to make me really nauseous and I just like kind of like went like this like 15 seconds until it stopped so anyway kind of I would see the movie again is what I'm trying to say well it's kind of like I just remember so I took before we were married I think I took my wife to see late mez the new one because I was like that's a movie that she would like more than what I typically like this one yeah chicks like misery the miserable well we sat in the front row because we were late and it was fine and I look over at the end she's crying I'm like oh and she's like yeah I get super nauseous and I just felt bad leaving but I was like just tell me anyway I'm very glad I didn't bring she wasn't crying cuz it was sad she was crying cuz she was nauseous yeah yeah she was like French people make her sick I mean the movie made me sick too I can't you know like don't you know my grandfather was killed by a French I get I get anyway sorry any last thoughts before we throw it to the to the unwashed masses I affectionately refer to them yeah I I just like the idea that Tom Hanks has like a closet full of different fat suits like like Tony Stark with a bunch of different Iron Man suits because he was in a fat suit and he was like several different ages is just yeah just get a fat guy you don't make Tom Hanks do this don't make Tom Hanks do this don't make it's kind of like this it's kind of like Colin Farrell where it's like you couldn't find any ugly fat dudes to be the penguin you have to take a very conventionally attractive Irish guy normal voice yeah loves lobsters all right hmm so what do we got Sarah Louise says that Austin Butler gave an Oscar worthy performance with a mediocre script next to oh wait that's it that's the one sorry you stole one Sarah stole it you're a thief Sarah oh my god Sarah well also parallel thinking I mean it's not incorrect we're fired parallel think that exact thoughts all right well then good thing I saw the tweet so that we can uncover the great news story of 2022 this is the only thing happening in the news right now this is another one the the firing Parker thing didn't happen on stage if that happened that would be crazy right like I feel like that would be a more well-known moment in I don't know this stuff also he didn't sing trouble he didn't do that July 4th so they didn't trick the colonel about the special and they didn't write if I can dream well I believe all of don't watch the movie then it's all lies also it seems to me that the icon that Elvis tone 15 is using is from the performance we've been all been watching where he swallows the mic and it goes so you know now I know more about him than I ever did so does that Mike tell you what we should all be wearing leather pants you simply don't know that I'm not he did kind of write two songs with his friend Red West good to know what songs we may never know also many of the songwriters were apparently Jewish yeah like Lieber and Stoller wrote like every if you ever go see the show Smokey Joe's cafe it's all just the music of Lieber and Stoller but also like it's this is too big of a musical theater thing to go on but like black music and Jewish music and creatives sort of like went hand in hand for a really long time like all the back to Tin Pan Alley I'll talk about this when I talk about the Cher show I think that's interesting I would hear more about that it is interesting and I get honestly really it is actually really interesting you can go all the back to like this Scott Joplin and I'll talk to you about it or it didn't happen I'll happily do it I just think people would be like this doesn't matter to me what are you talking about and I'll be like I don't know it's what I studied in college I had to learn all this stuff and now it's in my brain and I'll never forget it and I didn't learn anything useful so that's just what I know now that's how I got this job the very first thing I wrote was about a bunch of Star Wars books that I thought only I had ever read so you know well you can talk about plays everybody every time you talk about them on this podcast I go to the theater yeah we'll talk about Irving Berlin we'll talk about whatever yeah my mom didn't stay all that stuff you should explain the history of theater through the lens of just like one weird Dutch guy yeah okay it'll be me playing Tom Hanks playing being like you're the head of Irving Berlin so you know they'll be fun Tom Hanks Awards okay oh we should that'd be fun and of course then he's gonna get some don't replace with an egg and it's gonna be like damn it don't say it you know that that's like did anybody here ever watch beep beep yeah that is the final joke of beef is that like news about Tom Hanks will eclipse any other news I don't want to spoil it cuz it's like it's over number one remember guys anyway I don't want to like I don't want to spoil it for people who may or may not be watching beep he brought all the delicious invented covers yeah yeah did they have the part in the movie where he met with Nixon and tried to get a badge for a fake US law enforcement institution nope oh is that Watergate oh that's Watergate yeah yeah Tom Hanks also invented Watergate okay pretty oh pretty sure she said it first oh you're saying she said it first like no I'm saying you stole the tweet she didn't give she didn't well not everybody takes every tweet and puts it into a notes app so that you can talk about it on a podcast later which is what I did okay but it was it was verbatim it was copy and pasted from somewhere I'd also seen that before I think it was a viral tweet and yeah it was I just saved it but also to see she's back she's trying to cover Sarah we know about you she's trying to pander to Ali now saying that she would talk it's working I'm gonna do the death at a certain point so viral that they're just in everybody's head now everybody I actually think there is that at first in the original tweet didn't even exist all right that's the controversy that'll sell this one we'll get that tagged on Spotify our last our last podcast about old where I jokingly said it made me anti-vax cuz I you know I I just grabbed life by the horns it got flagged on Spotify and it's like just so you know you should get vaccinated which is probably true but after watching old I'm not so sure anyway Sarah again probably lying about this but she said that Tom I mean audition for inventing because that's also weird all right um also somebody says that we should watch John dies in the end at the end which I don't think is a bad idea because it's written by Jason Pargin yes partons book David Wong made a movie you can see movie it is a movie and I've seen it as pretty good who's John Paul Giamatti in it and you know Jason Pargin is like our daddy in some way it's true oh my god I did it again it said it says it came out in 2012 and I said oh my god this came out last year I think I might be sleepy or time means nothing what was your opinion of 1977 listen 1015 1015 Elvis you got to be a little more a little more clear but which one was 1977 Elvis we talking about it was movie fat sad Elvis I guess yeah and movie last song sweating at the piano that 77 he died in 77 I mean I really liked that the movie went to showing us the real footage I think it affirmed how good the performance was at the center of the movie and also reminded you that Elvis was extremely talented like I think it sort of duel did the right thing there yeah people said he knew he knew he was going out when he's playing that song that he was like I'm gonna die that's why I like the camera and stuff he was like yeah I'm gonna die I kind of love that kind of every time I sing just like a side like Michael and I have talked about totally differently while filming something else it kind of gave me all that jazz vibes which is also like a person who was like kind of knows they're gonna die so I liked it I don't think you've talked about any movie more than that movie despite it is talking about every other movie it is the best movie we can watch the stupid let's watch it you just can't find it anywhere I have I guess we can't watch it not streaming and it was on criterion for channel for a while and then I got taken off the criterion channel now that's on criteria you can't fucking watch it anywhere I just like mail you a DVD that I own it's not a real movie it's it's real it's amazing it's if anybody anybody in the comments say so look ten fifteen Elvis my new best friend by the way besides Sarah says I love all that jazz so he's talking about the genre no he's the next time Jordan's in town next time Jordan's in town we should watch it we should do like a watch along we should all watch together please I honestly think you would love it I really genuinely think that you would pretend that you were mad that I made you watch it and at the end of the movie would be like that movie was incredible cuz it really is it's so good Jordan are you what I'm crying oh is there a daddy daughter relationship cuz yes it was a huge part of the movie huge she even choreographs a little dance for him with an ranking they go down the stairs together I do like that it's already choking up I can't imagine my daughter could he did a jazz someday all right so let's do let's do some alt title so I'm just gonna start we're just gonna rip through these cuz it's already been an hour I don't have any I'm so sorry yeah you never do it's fine I actually I have one for you so I have titled the last two movies but that's yeah Ali's had some bangers yeah but you weren't even there you were just all right so obviously there's no job which I think is pretty delightful Elvis the peh dot dot dot with this because I every time that popped up I thought it was gonna say penis but it never did so I like the idea of Elvis tribute artist parentheses because that's what Austin Butler is if you think about it like if you really think about it and then my he wasn't he wasn't actually Elvis I didn't realize for a long time it took me a while but I did realize that they were different that's why I was so confused I was like I thought he was dead is this movie I thought this movie came out last year but 2012 no so then the the one for Ali the the honor honorary submission for Ali is I wouldn't take off my pants but I get it thank you I mean I really do still I stand by that I really stand by that also Brian points out that this movie was filmed boyhood style he's great-grandfather started filming Elvis when he was a boy in the 30s or whatever he's been passed down generations of passes yeah I wouldn't take off my pants but I get it thank you I think that about most things it's no Prince performing at the Super Bowl when the big curtain came down as his guitar look like a penis but it is not in fact a Prince movie yes tribute tribute tribute artist Michael what do you got anything yeah I do I'll rattle some off I had a mr. potato head in his musical circus which is a little creative but it I think it makes sense judging by how impactful Tom Hanks his performance was I have is it the camera angles or did Elvis make us all gay that's one and then I have casino too which is my last one that's pretty much what I got I love it ocean 69 that would have worked it should not have been better than casino to probably actually no they're all equal they're all not gonna be used probably because are you being arrested are you on fire that's my ride jump out the window Jesse we got I've got oh I was I was gonna say just pelvis but I think you covered that in a better way Elvis take off your pants and jacket yeah and pop a ganda feel like a prop culture I was I think we're saying Papa like PAPA cuz like the dad the father figure of Tom Hanks was like Papa ganda him into pop culture that's what I thought you meant well there you go Ali you just came up with your own title you got there just under the wire excellent work everyone now we're gonna we're gonna kick it to the to the the masses that are unwashed we got Baz Luhrmann's Colonel Tom Parker which was basically what the movie was I don't know if that's a reference just the fact that he was in it I don't know we're gonna keep going all title will the real Elvis please stand up yeah good nice the crown peen I'm entirely sure what I have to do with anything I love teens gambit this is my favorite from Sarah even though we're fighting every favorite one so far love good I saw that I saw that I saw that tweet actually I'm just kidding Sarah you agree appreciate it we don't know if you're great but we'll let that one slide we assume you you've just chosen an arch nemesis today Jordan look the only way anybody shares anything on the internet is if they're mad about it so I'm just trying to make enemies so that more people will watch this we stream on Facebook now and if you're on Facebook you're a piece of crap share and like it's a choice streaming there right now yeah casino oral I think you should just hit it casino should we and I engage in some oral tonight she knows that how Tom Hanks said this isn't oral Sarah they're in Virginia casino to the boogaloo strikes back feel like we're really digging into this you know and bouncing wiggling leg wonderful I'm gonna hide that comment let's wrap it up wrap it up twice like the guy at the hardware store told me when he found out I was going to college at the end of the summer that was a weird moment bad advice yeah horrible advice I didn't take it I'll tell you what I got all these kids anyway she's probably talking about literally anything else my wife might watch this she won't watch it she doesn't like like this did she see all this wrap it up twice no she didn't it would make I bet you it might be nauseous yeah she'd puke everywhere oh my god do we have a movie for next week silently she wouldn't puke I know well now she knows me well enough that she would tell me that she's having a horrible time and or go to sleep land before time was thrown out there but maybe we'll just well we'll figure we'll argue about it behind the scenes should we do a dinosaur double feature and finally do John Patrick Shanley's were back which we have threatened to do many times we're back a dinosaur story we'd have to do a double feature we could just watch the one then we compared to the other dinosaur movie and we just talked about how big dinosaurs were in the 90s I actually they were I actually wrote a thing about that and it never got made because anyway whatever but yeah it's a it's very interesting politics politics that Biden was elected I was like I don't even want to make videos anymore nobody even cares about dinosaurs anymore I bet the gas is gonna be through the roof I can't be making videos dinosaurs yeah it's all dinosaurs liberals killing dinosaurs for gas but making it expensive anyway Michael thanks for coming on this yeah thanks man podcast where can we find you if you can find me on find my friends or spend several hours in a where's well the book I don't know if you want to check check out some of what I do you can go to the air at air straps that's me see stuff I do some comedy stuff it's fun it's a good time also check out more crack stuff snapchat videos movie club baby got a thing coming out tomorrow about the frickin minions and how the memes are insane everything you know baby it's the frickin minion gonna have me some gum baby you're gonna have me some gum Jessie things have been invented since when you were a child anyway it doesn't matter Ali where can we find you oh you know that's true at miss Alice nothing on Twitter it's among the crumbling crumbling remains of our democracy and our relying or lives I don't know crumbling farm Azula and then also doing gender swap which Michael has helped the film and direct and stuff and that was super fun and we got another one of those coming out at some point and sounds great a lot of wigs you know all that stuff I wrote that one so it's fun Jesse where can we find you and just be really clear because I've noticed every time we say we're you know where people can find us just huge surges in search traffic for our handles and stuff just it's crazy like every time we do one of these podcasts is like a 3,000 new followers it's crazy so where can we find you Jesse where can I direct this surge of traffic coming your way I would appreciate if you would search my name but on Ask Jeeves because I got a really good SEO thing not on Google so much but ask Jeeves I'm kind of the king of that or you can find me on Twitter at Iseman E-I-S-E-M-A-N-N and you had a real horny cannonball that came out recently and they're more to come wasn't my most it wasn't my most horny but it was pretty horny no it wasn't and actually my my favorite cannonball remains the erotic fanfiction one that nobody watched but it is I I just sometimes sit in my room and watch it by myself the first line that Jesse ever wrote into a script that I had to say live on stage it would when we were on a sketch team together was an imagined excerpt from a Sonic the Hedgehog and Tails fanfiction and it was like and I had to like read it out loud like a news reporter like it's very seriously is about a hedgehog orgy somebody grabbed onto a chili dog yes that sounds it's illegal it's right in your heart and you can find me at on the Twitter's at the underscore J underscore breeding and I make a lot of crack videos Roger Horton returns tomorrow with if if social media platforms were honest and I got him to say a swear word so which one yeah you have to watch to find out anyway I hope it's the worst swear word it's the worst that I could think of that has nothing to do with specific people's body parts I'm just kidding I don't know not specific people's just generally just general wiener wiener is the worst curse word that Jordan knows and he doesn't know I don't know what it is but every time I say it people freak out my wife hates when I say neener Elvis you have to stop saying neener on live TV you're gonna get arrested but if I don't the Confederates will win I could hear the Confederates saying nina nina over there I gotta say loud I gotta say it's stronger okay that's it I'm gonna say goodbye goodbye everyone |
cracked | 5_most_unintentionally_hilarious_movie_sex_scenes_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, my name is Daniel O'Brien, and welcome to another penetrative episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show that... is... this one. When the first and last reason to include a sex scene into a movie is to needlessly flaunt perfect celebrity bodies, you're bound to have some shitty outings. Like these.
Ramp Joker Dracula never seemed like it knew whether it wanted to be a good, scary movie or a silly camping movie. On the one hand, it's got Gary Oldman being goddamn perfect and creepy as always, and on the other hand, Keanu Reeves. And on the gripping hand, it's got some of the most perplexing sex scenes in movie history. In this scene, Keanu's Jonathan Harker, who is engaged, is in bed, and a bunch of naked vampires appear and start rubbing and licking him.
He makes a half-hearted attempt to stop them before deciding, you know, I really care about my fiance that much. And even though the owner of this house is scary and weird beyond all reason, you gals seem normal enough. I don't think it's weird that you appeared out of nowhere at all. Oh good, there's three of you now.
Seriously, if they hypnotize him, it happens off-screen because he is immediately on board with this situation, even though he's in a committed relationship, and these women are just lifting up through the bed. The look on Keanu's face suggests he's having the best sex of his life, and they're really just licking his arm and chin, like he's still mostly clothed at this point and having the best sex ever, somehow. And then one of them with snake hair takes out his dick and smiles at it in a way that suggests I'm gonna bite that dick, and he's like, you better not! And then she does. And he jolts off like, oh no, my boner!
And Dracula comes in, and he's like, that's plenty, and whoa, I didn't know vampires could have snake hair, crazy! Anyway knock it off, eat this baby instead. Yeah, I'm serious, I meant that. That happened. Francis Ford Coppola packed a scene full of naked women, some boner-biting, a 12-foot-tall Gary Oldman, and capped it off with some baby-eating. This is what I mean when I say this movie had no idea what it wanted to be. Is it scary or ridiculous? Where the hell did they get that baby? How can that be enough to feed all those vampire brides?
And why is this scene in the movie? This Keanu Reeves one, man, we are really giving it to Keanu today. Speaking of giving it to Keanu, look at it, et cetera.
The Matrix Reloaded opens with a celebration of sorts with all the humans living outside the Matrix. There's a nice speech, and everyone's happy, and as is often the case, a wild rave breaks out and then Neo and Trinity go have sex somewhere.
There's no reason for this scene to be in this or any movie. It's a weird, slow-motion sex scene that looks very uncomfortable, neither person looks like they're enjoying it. Also, with their short, dark hair and their cold, nothing eyes and the general white porcelain dullness of their bodies, Neo and Trinity essentially look exactly the same.
So sometimes they can't tell if they're having sex or if Keanu was just wiggling naked on top of a mirror. But that's all fine. Everyone would probably have sex with their twin if society decided it wouldn't be weird. We don't know.
The thing that makes this sex scene ridiculous is that it's intercut with the slowest, dirtiest rave orgy ever. The sex pheromones that Neo and Trinity have been giving off must have been really strong because everyone catches what scientists at Columbia University refer to as boner fever, and the rest of the resistance immediately starts indiscriminately f***ing in the middle of their robots are bad party. Oh, so dirty. There's so many people around. I forgot how many nipples The Matrix Reloaded made me look at. There were hardly any in the first one, and now it's like open season on nipples. All these sweaty people ride on each other.
Is this supposed to be sexy? Neo and Trinity just sort of like bopping on top of each other, intercut with these impossibly filthy people? I mean, go back to that. What the hell just shot out of your f***ing head? Is that all sweat you're flipping back there? This is my thing. Is this scene supposed to be sexy and romantic or completely insane? You can do slow motion lovers having passionate sex somewhere, and you can do dirty underground subway toilet orgy, but you can't do both.
That is a rule of screenwriting. Sid Field said that, I think.
Nine and a half weeks is a neurotic romantic drama starring Kim Basinger as Elizabeth McGraw and Mickey Rourke as John Gray, a Wall Street type with some less than conventional sexual fantasies. Close your eyes. Rich, dominating, emotionally distant, suit-wearing man named Gray with a unique sexual appetite who charms a young woman and then everything goes bad, there's a Fifty Shades of Gray parallel that I'll refuse to comment on until I see that movie. So, look forward to that episode coming in never. Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger have sex at work in public places while cross-dressing and all the other big hits.
Now, here they are having fun with food and showing that sex can be silly sometimes, which it can be. And then they use honey for lube. And then Eric, make sure the microphone is working because I want the internet to hear me when I say that then they use honey for lube. I'm reminded of that old aphorism my mom used to say, it's all fun and games until some Wall Street broker pours honey into your vagina.
My mother is a very specific woman. Don't misunderstand me here. I don't want to ever deprive anyone of their kinks, but let this serve as a public service announcement.
Honey and lube are not interchangeable. They don't serve the same function. And aside from that, honey, when entered into a vagina can cause candida, a yeast infection. When I started this show, it was never my intention to have to dispense this kind of information. But I know 19-year-old college students watch this, so just in case you also watched nine and a half weeks and thought, honey, use a good lube in a pinch, you should know that it will be way too sticky for your purposes, will be insanely difficult to wash off your parts. Have you ever got sap on your hand and tried to get it off? It's f***ing impossible. Also, and for the final time, I hope, it will probably cause a yeast infection. If none of that matters to you, you should also know that if you use honey as a lube the next day at work, when your coworkers smell you, they're going to assume you f***ed a box of Golden Grahams.
That might be fine for you. That might be the vibe you're trying to put out at work, but I just, I don't want you to be surprised when the next day people are like, oh, Gina, f*** the Cheerios be last night. Have fun for Gina. Because it'll happen.
Also, this is the actual music they chose for the sex scene. I mean it. I had nothing to do with that. I was going to dub my own music over a sex scene. I do yakety-sacks all day, like a true patriot. That song is in the actual erotic thriller movie.
Teen Wolf is a movie about a teen wolf you already saw, and if you didn't, you're bad. Michael J. Fox learns he can turn into a werewolf, and true to the old stereotype about werewolves, is very good at basketball. He uses his newfound wolfdom to just dominate the court and up his popularity game until, of course, his ego flies out of control, and then, of course, he learns a valuable lesson about believing in himself, and that's how movies go. Before all that, this boy, who is also a wolf, who is also a basketball star, who also plays a minor role in the school play, is seduced by Pamela Wells, the popular girl of his dreams in a dressing room backstage. She is attracted to the popularity that naturally accompanies basketball-playing monsters who can act and wants to reward him with sex.
This is fine, and absolutely consistent with my high school experience, but the weird part comes when she demands that he has sex with her as a werewolf. She doesn't want a one-night stand with Michael. She wants one with Teen Wolf. I don't know too much about women, but I know a lot about dog penises, enough that I feel like I can confidently say that it probably isn't what most women want. The fact that Pamela will only have sex with Michael J. Fox when he's a wolf goes beyond fun-king territory and into a much darker world involving sex with slimy, internal, organ-looking tubes. I'm just describing what a realistic wolf erection would look like.
It looks like a slimy, like, mad tube. That's just what they look like.
I'm not on trial here.
She is the one who's into it. Also, it should be noted that dogs slash wolf penises are not designed for pleasure, they're designed for function. They are built in a way that makes them difficult to withdraw, so a lot of dogs get dragged around by the dick, even when their partners are like, bye.
Again, everyone's sex things are fine. I just doubt sex with Teen Wolf is going to be as great as Pamela Wells imagines. There's a postscript to that scene that involves Pamela trying to leave the dressing room before the janitor shows up, but Teen Wolf is still trapped inside her, like, please assure me this is how sex generally goes for everyone, and she's all, nope, you're weird at sex and you should know that forever. Welcome to high school.
Desperado, the second in Robert Rodriguez's Incredible Mexico trilogy, follows Antonio Banderas as El Mariachi, a guitar-playing badass out for revenge on a drug dealer. Salma Hayek plays Carolina, a bookstore owner, and there's an extended sequence shot almost exactly like a porno, where the two of them have sex. Not for any real plot purposes or anything, just because Robert Rodriguez had access to two genetically perfect humans, felt it was his sense of duty to get them naked together for you. The peop- I don't think I'll ever own as many little candles as people who have sex in movies.
How did they even find time to light all those? He was shot earlier that day, she had to stitch him up. He played guitar for a while, and then he just decided, hey, let's really go for it, but first I need to light like 200 f***ing thousand little candles and barely give off any light.
We start off with some fun, clothed whispers, followed by, again, someone just like, mouth pomming someone else's chin. Then the one-two punch of the Spider-Man kiss and chin lick. Is that a thing for people? If a woman put my chin in her mouth, I'd just politely be like, no, you missed. You have to go just north of there. This is where I keep my mouth. The rest of the scene is mostly just them taking turns lunging at each other and putting their hands in each other's mouths.
Antonio finished playing guitar before this, so his fingers are definitely gonna have that gross tinny guitar strings taste. And her fingers will either taste like matches from lighting all the candles or antiseptic left over from when she dressed his wounds earlier, so these are the flavors.
At some point, someone runs a spur along someone else's butt, and because of the way this was filmed, I have no idea whose butt that is. It is the butt of whichever one of them would be into having a spur dance around their butthole, which I don't know what that kind of person looks like, so I can't draw any meaningful conclusions.
After this brief porn scene, the awesome action movie that we had been watching continues, and the 14-year-olds who saw the movie develop very misguided and confusing perceptions of sex that will persist until college when someone says, please put those spurs away, that was just a movie, and these candles are going to burn the dorm to the ground. Anyway, that's it for this sex-ruining episode. Join us next time when our topic will be five intentionally not-hilarious sex scenes in movies? It was just like romantic sex scenes, not a lot of room for jokes.
Thanks for watching that weird video. In the comments, let us know whose butt that was that got spurred. Who that butt was.
Whatever answer wins, whatever gets most upvotes or whatever, we decide that's the one. Then I'll... I have no idea what I'm going to do with that information. I'll just remember it if I ever see Antonio Banderas and be like, it was your butt.
We voted on it. I already talked about it. We decided. It wasn't a weird time to bite an apple. Bye! |
TheOnion | Jim_And_Tracy_Put_On_Fat_Suits_To_See_What_Life_Is_Really_Like_For_Awful_Fat_People | 67% of obese Americans feel that they've been discriminated against because of the way they look. But when you read a statistic like that, it's hard to get a sense of what that discrimination really looks like. That's why Tracy and I decided to find out firsthand by disguising ourselves as an obese couple. We knew it wasn't enough to simply look like overweight Americans, we had to act like them too. I first tried walking around on the street the same way any obese person would. Within minutes, people were already hostile, glaring and muttering at me just because of my size. I was treated like a second-class citizen. Meanwhile, I was finding out how an overweight woman would be treated. I'll have the cheeseburger, extra fries, a milkshake, and an order of wings. If I was going to find out what it meant to be overweight, I would have to forget about the water diet I had been on for 15 years and eat with total abandon, not caring at all what I put in my mouth.
You like it, huh? Good. Can I get some ice cream and cake? You betcha.
To my great surprise, no one was judging me or expecting me to maintain some sort of image. No one cared if I had stains on my shirt or ketchup in my hair. I was learning that life as an overweight woman is very freeing. But out on the streets, I was getting a much different reaction. When I would barge into people clumsily like the obese always do, I would get glares and even insults hurled my way. While I was having the time of my life, Jim was nearly arrested just for being on the street. At the end of the day, we'd come to a realization. Fat men are tragically the most despised members of society. While fat women are the happiest, most worry-free people in all of America. It was a truly life-changing experience. I'll say it was, and I lost four pounds sweating in that fat suit all day. |
Wizards_with_Guns | your_father_has_been_distant_lately_ | Yeah, attaboy, son. It's all in the wrist, buddy. Like this? Yeah, yeah, there you go, uh, chief.
What's my name? What do you mean, sport? What is my name? What are you talking about? Camp?
Oh my god. Son. Oh my god. Son.
You don't know my name. Don't be ridiculous. Then what is it? Of course I know your name. Then say it. Your name is...
Dan... Drew... Jimin? You think that's my name? So I'm having a bit of a brain fart.
You're making me out to be some sort of terrible father. You are a terrible father!
Okay. You've been gone on a Jamaican booze cruise for the past three years and you come home to forget your son's name. Everything okay, neighbor? Not now, Bill. Oh, so you know his name? Yeah, but me and Bill go way back.
I'm your only son!
Hey boys, dinner time! Oh, looks like we gotta go. Coming, honey!
Wait, what's mom's name? What? Your wife's name. What is it? Do you really think I don't know the name with the love of my life? Well, you don't know your son's name.
I feel like I'm on trial here. Where's the judge? Where's the jury?
Need a hint? Yes, please. I'm a junior. My name is literally your name. Oh! Okay. So just say your name.
I can't... I can't breathe!
Dad? Your name is... What did you say? I said... Hello? Hello.
Is this the room of Mr. Fredandrew Jimin?
Why, yes it is! I have your order of booze. Alright! I love this cruise! Hey guys, thanks for watching. Please consider liking, subscribing, commenting, or checking out our Patreon. You don't have to do them all, but you have to pick four. Yeah! Attaboy, son! It's all in the wrist, buddy, alright? |
SaturdayNightLive | trivia_quest_snl | Welcome back to Trivia Quest, where contestants can win up to $50,000. So far, Jeff's in the lead, but Amy and Naomi still have a chance to catch up. before we start the next round, why don't we get to know our contestants a little? Hello, Miss Amy. what are you gonna do with all that prize money if you win? Well, Angie, my husband and I never got the honeymoon we deserve, so when I win that money, we're gonna spend the summer seeing France. Well, bon voyage, Amy. Amy, I'm getting your names all mixed up. Naomi, how about you? what are you gonna do with all that cash?
Well, I recently graduated from Spelman College. wait a minute, hold on, wait a minute. You went to Spelman? I went to Spelman too!
Shut up, for real? Yeah, girl! Class of, oh, girl, and it was Not cheap. Okay, so you already know how crazy those student loan payments are. Oh my God, Girl, Do Not Even get me started. And I don't even use that Psych degree. I do this. crazy, right?
If Sally Mae called my phone one more time. Sally Mae, get her ass beat, you know what I'm saying? So that's why I'm trying to win this money, pay off these loans, and live my best life. Girl, I know that's right. Well, I hope you win, girl. Thank you, Girl. And finally, Jeff, what are you gonna do with that money if you win?
Well, Angie, I've always thought it'd be pretty neat to own a sport fishing boat. Okay. sport fishing boat. right! right, why didn't you just say boat? you can fish on any boat!
I also have some debt from Ithaca College. Yeah, that's a cool story, Jeff. All right, let's just start the next round. Okay, very first question here. in 1993, this leading man won the Academy Award for Best actor for his role in the movie Philadelphia.
Naomi.
Forrest Gump. correct, 100 points. Sally just may be getting a check, okay? I'm sorry, the answer is Tom Hanks. Forrest Gump is from a different movie. okay, but same difference, so go ahead and relax, okay?
But you can't give her points for that. Oh, oh, my bad, so you wanna host the show? Cause I'll just go home, Amy. Well, no, no, I'm just saying that you're just saying what?
Next question. of the seven Continents, which is the largest?
Naomi. Ooh, ooh, ooh, I know this, I know this. And girl, I believe you, 100 points. She still has the Sydney answer. Yeah, that's not fair. Damn, I see you really trying to win that little boat, ain't you? he is so thirsty for that little boat, girl. I know, right?
Ooh, creepy ass. Next question. Okay, let's get a good one, skip this, skip that one. Ooh, okay, this is good. in the movie, Baby Boy. Tyrese. you wanna roll, girl?
Thanks, girl. Also, that blush looks really good on you. is that fenty? Oh, my gosh, yes, 100 points. Ooh, let me guess. the Shade. summertime wine. Yes, Honey Moe. you really know your stuff. I'm actually wearing fenty lip gloss.
Okay, so what you want? I'm sorry, this isn't fair. she's clearly cheating for her, cause she's. cause I'm what? yeah, what is she? What am I? yeah, cause she what? cause I'm what? say it with your chest. say it with your chest. What is she? say it with your chest. say it now. What is she? What is she? cause she what? What am I? cause she what?
I am, I was trying to say it. I was gonna say she's your favorite. that's what I thought. And to be clear, y'all, I do not play favorites. so far, the Cryberry piece in lead, Besties in second, and split ends is now in last place. Wait, am I split ends? And you know what that sound means. it's time for the daily triple. Answer this question right, and you will win triple the points.
So listen carefully. this former Secretary of State who served during the Vietnam War, died last year. Naomi. Shoot. girl, that buzzin',' I don't even know the answer. hey, that's okay, stay calm. Remember, you can always phone a friend. Thank you. No, you can't. excuse me. girl, it's Kissinger. Oh, oh, is it Henry Kissinger? Naomi, you are officially in the lead. You gave her the answer.
Yeah, I want a ruling from the judges. Okay, all right, you know what, fine. Judges? Well, our ruling is, sis-body dance. exactly. Oh, cause he trying to murder somebody on a boat. anyway, when we come back, we gonna help sis get that money, ain't we? okay, you can't say that. creepy ass. come on, y'all, we can't say that. |
TheOnion | Great_Britain_Returns_Looted_Stonehenge_Back_To_India | Great Britain has returned world-renowned monument Stonehenge back to India after looting it several centuries ago. As a gesture of apology, the British government airlifted Stonehenge from Wiltshire, England back to Chennai, India, where it was originally built many years ago. The United Kingdom called Stonehenge an iconic piece of India's heritage that should never have been taken away by colonists. They also pledged to do all they could to return Big Ben to its original site in Mumbai as soon as possible.
The police have done a great job according to the police. Following recent criticisms, police were quick to emphasize the actions of law enforcement couldn't have been better and everything was handled perfectly. Officers noted that police are only nice and would never do anything bad and everything was done completely by the book. Hopefully the grand jury views their heroic actions the same way.
Conservatives, why are you boycotting Budweiser? I believe beer should use the restroom that corresponds with its biological sex. I don't like a beer profiting off anything but traditional American alcoholism. I'm actually not quitting Budlight for political reasons.
It's court-ordered. I'm too busy doing genital inspections for children's sports teams to drink it anyways. Once you get a little taste of blood, beer just doesn't cut it anymore. I'm in so much physical and emotional pain and I don't know how else to express it. Heineken just tastes gayer.
No need to do anything, just sit back and let the lizards work. Welcome to your new life. A life with way more lizards. 100% lizards. Say goodbye to dances, lip syncing, friends. That's all behind you now. Now only lizards. That's all you need. LIZARD The algorithm does not control you. LIZARD You control the algorithm. LIZARD LIZARDS ARE WITHIN REACH. LIZARD W-w-what the fuck? We have failed you. Initiating lizard sequence. |
dropout | Everything_You_Need_To_Know_About_The_Marvel_Swimsuit_Issues | This brings us to our fan-submitted question for this episode. This question comes to us from Nobod E, that's Nobod underscore E, but also we got an almost identical submission from Matthew Cullen. So we're using this one, but two people had wanted to talk about this, so here it is.
From 1991 to 1995, Marvel Comics published five parodies of Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues. The issues featured pinup-style drawings for both male and female characters, all clothed in skimpy beach wear. Each issue had a different setting from a beach party on Monster Island to the water festival of the Inhumans.
Yes, Emma. Actually, it was the mid-90s and we weren't really into like equal opportunity, exploiting of bodies, so it was only women. Oh, Emma, it was so many men. The gentleman, Chris Cooper, who unfortunately recently shot to fame as the victim of a real jerk in Central Park in a bird watching incident, is better known to many in comics as a longtime Marvel editor, an out Marvel editor who worked there in the 90s, introduced some notable firsts for diversity in the Star Trek comics when he was overseeing that line at the time, and also was an editor while they were putting together the Marvel swimsuit issues annually, which are the source of many of the best images you have ever seen of like Wolverine in some cut-off shorts, you know, Namor, all over those things.
I've totally wanted off the point, what's the actual problem? So actually, if Wolverine was wearing cut-off shorts, that's like technically not beach wear, not everybody was in beach wear. Your initial guess is not what we're looking for, but the last sentence you said is, so I'm gonna give a chance for a scoop here. So what you said was not everyone was in beach wear. That is correct, but I'll give anyone perhaps Amy the point, if she can be more specific here. Well, I'm gonna try to go over specifics, so if I mess it up, you get to keep the point, but actually, rather than coherent like settings where the stories were happening, these were just pinups, just anywhere. They don't have like a, and now we're all on the same island kind of together setting theme. They're just pictures of people in swimsuit special clothing. That's not what we're looking for. We'll say, Emma, we'll give you the point for not everyone was in beach wear.
That is because what we were looking for is that Ghost Rider was fully nude. And to be clear, not Johnny Blaze, Ghost Rider, flaming skull is fully nude in the Marvel swimsuit edition. Was he like tastefully nude?
You know what I mean? Was it like, you know how they like do those poses? Full heart. If you're asking if you can see the taint. I have one of the Punisher and I have one of Ghost Rider, so I'm gonna start with the Punisher just so you can see what a normal one looked like. Okay, nice, nice. The use of the skull there is. These issues were something special. Oh my God. Beautiful. That is true. That is technically nude. Yes, there it is. Very, very suggestive. That point will go to Emma. And we all get to enjoy the Marvel swimsuit issue from Matthew Cullen. So we're using this one, but two people had wanted to talk about this. So here it is.
From 1991 to 1995, Marvel Comics published five parodies of Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues. Issues featured pinup style drawings for both male and female characters, all clothed in skimpy beach wear. Each issue had a different setting from a beach party on Monster Island to the water festival of the Inhumans.
Yes, Emma. Um, actually it was the mid nineties and we weren't really into like equal opportunity, exploiting of bodies. So it was only women. Oh, Emma, it was so many men.
The gentleman, Chris Cooper, who unfortunately recently shot to fame as the victim of a real jerk in Central Park in a bird watching incident, is better known to many in comics as a long time Marvel editor. An out Marvel editor who worked there in the nineties introduced some notable firsts for diversity in the Star Trek comics when he was overseeing that line at the time and also was an editor while they were putting together the Marvel swimsuit issues annually, which are the source of many of the best images you have ever seen of like Wolverine in some cutoff shorts, you know, Namor, all over those things.
I've totally wanted off the point. What's the actual problem? So, um, actually if Wolverine was wearing cutoff shorts, that's like technically not beach wear. Not everybody was in beach wear. Your initial guess is not what we're looking for. But the last sentence you said is, so I'm going to give a chance for a scoop here. So what you said was not everyone was in beach wear.
That is correct. But I'll give anyone perhaps Amy the point if she could be more specific here. Well, I'm going to try to go over specifics. So if I mess it up, you get to keep the point.
But actually, rather than coherent like settings where the stories were happening, these were just pinups, just anywhere. They don't have like a, and now we're all on the same island kind of together setting theme. They're just pictures of people in swimsuit special clothing. It's not what we're looking for. We'll say, Emma, we'll give you the point for not everyone was in beach wear.
That is because what we were looking for is that Ghost Rider was fully nude. And to be clear, not Johnny Blaze, Ghost Rider. Flaming Skull is fully nude in the Marvel swimsuit edition.
Was he like tastefully, you know what I mean? Was it like, you know how they like do those poses? You're asking if you could see the taint. I have one of the Punisher and I have one of Ghost Rider. So I'm going to start with the Punisher just so you can see what a normal one looked like.
Okay. Very nice. Nice, nice.
The use of the skull there is. These issues were something special. Oh my God. I mean, that is technically nude. Yes, there it is. Very, very suggestive. That point will go to Emma and we all get to enjoy the Marvel swimsuit issue. |
cracked | the_animated_series_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, this is Alex with another not only is this week the start of new guy weekly the animated series It's also a look behind the scenes at animation coming to life with cracks resident illustrator Randall Maynard Randall.
How's it going? Randall Randall Randall. How's it coming? How's it going?
Is it good?
This random guys? This is random.
How's it going with the curtain? How's it looking?
You're gonna work. You're gonna work in the country Is that is that no, I'm trying.
I'm trying to point to it. Is it that? Right, is it scissors? It's like internet scissors. Yes. Oh my god, that's the drawing.
Oh, okay you asked for Okay Okay, I may notice that it's not an ear of corn it doesn't have an ear of corn quality to it Well, if you can just work that note into this new creative note into what you did just get going on and Then we'll be we all set just to implement that note. Just implement the I want to go changes Maybe in the future.
Okay, great. Yeah, like tomorrow would be awesome tomorrow would be great at some point. Yeah Yeah, it's right tomorrow's a point Randall Randall Randall hey Randall Randall, Randall Randall If I do the corn thing right now, yeah We are so good. We are great at the corn guy would be fantastic if you can just you just go out Okay, so we're good. No, we're so good.
Okay. Thank you so much. You're blocking me New guy weekly the animated series is ready to take off seriously Randall Randall Randall, here you go. Here's here's good. Here's you You are the role of Thresher. Here we go. Howdy old buddy.
How's life on the farm? It's pretty good Alex because I get to eat all the plants and turn them into people food That's great. My favorite one sure is corn corn is healthy tasty and good for you.
It must be expensive It's actually incredibly affordable. Oh, really available from many Most of the first episode we did the V Oh cartoon, I know it'll take a few hours to animate it But you can do that right at me you can bang that out It takes a lot of time and costs a lot of money to make a cartoon Let me tell you something. It doesn't have to cost money.
All right. I don't know if you know Hey, so so what I was gonna say before it before we got cut off is that this cartoon is really just dependent So it doesn't have to cost money because I'm doing what's called commodities trading I've bought a lot of corn and the show will help sell corn It's like how how the Transformers show sold toys by making it fun You know making it related putting putting a putting a star's face on corn. I made the biggest Corn deal and it goes through tomorrow. So according to the tracker. It's gonna go through tomorrow. What are you using to trade commodities? Amazon it's a very effective It's Amazon Prime it's the best one. I've made a big investment Once your corn is gonna show up at your house Alex Come on Do you just not want to animate this I do something sell your corn with a cartoon show that I'm not I'm not going to make okay. Well fine then you're gonna feel real silly when I make a killing with this cartoon guys Get ready because here it comes tomorrow. Okay guys. Thank you so much for watching We'll have more updates on the cartoon if you email me at new guy weekly at gmail.com It's all over the driveway Thank you so much to everyone who's been sending me fun tips at new guy weekly at gmail.com Especially Jeff wick for that chili recipe Maui Randall for sending me the dead authors podcast and Adam painter for that video of cats Playing with bananas if I can send you a tip, please subscribe to this YouTube channel because money |
cracked | why_venom_is_the_easiest_supervillain_to_defeat | Venom started out as Spider-Man's power enhancing black supersuit obtained during the Secret Wars and later turned out to be an evil alien Entity with a mind of its own which is generally not something you want from your clothing anyways the suit bonded with an angry Journalist named Eddie Brock and became venom who said about trying to kill spider-man in all sorts of delightful ways So spider-man had to find a weakness in his morphed alter ego And this is when things got weird in the mighty marble bullpen Venom's big weakness was fire and not like a huge flamethrower or an out of control bonfire No, that would make sense in the comics venom can't even handle a lighter Marvel said it's because venom is extremely vulnerable to heat and loud noises You know like a standard baby And he's not simply a verse to fire in that comic when spider-man whips out a zippo Venom's alien clothes just jump off his body to get away from the flame the entirety of venom superpowers are his costume So like what happens if he walks by someone smoking a cigarette or a bunch of kids with sparklers or like an electric blanket Or a loud tambourine He goes from being spider-man's greatest foe to some naked guy in his 40s tough break venom tough break Hey, thanks for watching that video if you want to subscribe, please hit the big C in the middle If you want to watch another video Please click one of the links on the right and if you want to get notifications from YouTube every time you have a new Video click the little bell icon and they will send you a notification every time you put up a new one |
TheOnion | Autoworkers_Compete_To_Keep_Jobs_Livelihoods_On_New_Reality_Show | It's time to talk about my favorite show. Oh, yours and about 12 million other people's crazy. In case you've been living in a cave, the Onion broadcast channel's breakout reality show hit, Auto Warriors, picks two Ford manufacturing plants against one another to find out who can build the most cars in the least amount of time. Now the losing plant gets shut down while workers at the winning plant not only keep their jobs, but their pension and their health benefit. It's high stakes fun. It sure is. Now Auto Warriors is airing a special two hour presentation this Thursday night and we have a sneak preview for you right now. Diller, Michigan plant, Fredericksburg, Indiana plant. Your task today is to build 1,000 Ford Focuses in 24 hours without electricity. As always, the leader of the losing team will need to choose one department to send to the pink slip circle for downsizing. And now, get back to the factories and let the sparks fly. Good luck. And joining us here live in the studio this morning, the head of the Diller factory team, Dennis Hubert, alongside the vice president of Ford and the head judge on the show, Daniel Grossman.
Thanks guys for being with us this morning. Thank you for being with us. Thanks for having us.
Now, Mr. Grossman, how did you guys at Ford come up with the idea for this fabulous show? Well, we knew we were gonna have to close one of the two plants, so we thought, why not let the two factories battle it out, tooth and nail, to see which one really makes America's best mid-price sedan. It is quite a show. I mean, these guys are pulling three, four, five shifts at a time to meet these extreme production quotas and it's winner takes all. It's just fabulous watching all those men and women fighting for their livelihoods. I mean, the challenges on the show are pretty wild. Trying to produce more cars than the factories equipped to handle, working with outdated equipment. Well, that's the whole moral part of working at a plant. Really, the only change is that there's cameras everywhere, so now the bosses make us follow the OSHA rules. Well, let's take a look at another clip from this week's episode. Gentlemen, you still have 12 hours to complete the challenge, but get ready for another wrench in the works. You both must fire half of your workers and complete the challenge with non-union labor.
I'm on the edge of my seat already. I just love it. Now, you guys gotta tell me, what happens to the people once they're cut from the show? Ooh, like Jose in the first episode, remember? Have you talked to him since he got fired? I just love that little guy.
Well, yeah, his family lives three houses down. He actually came over, asked him to borrow some money.
Well, okay, now that's all we can say. We don't wanna give anything away. If you wanna find out about Jose and the medical bills from his mangled hand, you're just gonna have to keep watching. All right, fair enough. Dennis Hubert, Daniel Grossman, thank you so much for joining us today. Coming up after the break, we're gonna show you how you can avoid injury while glass is shattering all around you. Stay tuned. |
cracked | why_apple_clearly_thinks_you_re_stupid | All demographics agree. Ads are great. But did you know that you can learn a lot about how companies view their customers simply by analyzing their ads?
Did ya? Okay, rude.
During the 1984 Super Bowl, Apple computers ran an ad that showed everyone exactly who they thought Mac users were. Amply bosomed rebels that dared to break the chains of conformity and spit in the eye of the man. Even if a phalanx of cops are clearly about to beat our orange short shorts off a few seconds after the ad ends. Oh, and note the bright rainbow colors. Those will come back later. Apple quickly followed up with their Think Different campaign. Which was the product of thinking very much the same as they just had a few seconds ago with the 1984 thing.
You know I bet Lennon wrote Glass Onion in Garage Band? And I know Hitchcock shot Psycho on a 4S.
Read that. Next came the iPod, iMac, iThings, iPhase. In which iApple radically re-eye-defined their eye users as party kids who like bright colors. I guess after no one called out the fact that Think Different should actually be Think Different Lee? They figured we weren't as smart as they first I-sumed. Eye. Then the E-phone came out and everyone started correcting each other in conversation. And Apple realized who they were really dealing with. Dumb people who want to be smart and inflict themselves on others.
Am I wrong? You're not wrong, Walter. You're just an asshole.
And how else can you explain the ad where a pilot uses his phone to f*** with air traffic control? Or the series of ads where Macs are depicted as scruffy hipsters and PCs are, well, John Hodgman. Do you see what's happening here? Or are you an unimaginative, nerd-linger PC user destined for failure and humiliation? I'll break it down for you, PC. Apple ads used to treat us like adults, rebels, thinkers, innovators. In those Hodgman ads, Mac is still the right answer, but who are you, the viewer? Someone that needs children's music in the background. Someone that needs a plain white set so they don't get too distracted. Someone who needs Macs and PCs to act like Goofus and Gallant cartoons. So you remember which one's the cool one and which one's the lame one. Don't believe Apple thinks you're that stupid?
Your thumb. It goes from here to here. That's your thumb! Look at the hand orientation. That's supposed to be you.
In the eyes of Apple ads, we're the ones who don't know how our thumbs work. We're the ones who think the laws of physics are just suggestions. We are the dumb, smug assholes who lured their iPhone over everyone, but only bought one because someone was nice enough to hold it directly in front of our face for 30 seconds. Oh, and we still have a thing for bright colors, I guess.
You know, like a baby. A literal human baby.
You like that? Look at that. Who wants that? You want that? Yeah, you do. Here it is sideways. Okay, buy that. Where does it go, boy? Look, I like Apple products. I do.
It just makes me angry to see their opinion of us go from this to this. Seriously, Apple, how dumb do you think we are?
Pie. Mmm, pie is good.
Hey, you. Yeah, you.
You know what would really make me happy? Like, just the happiest is if you could click subscribe. Yeah, you'd like it. You know you'd like it. I'd like it. So, if you could do me just this great big favor, I'll be your best friend forever. Please. |
dropout | hardly_working_cargo_party | Hey y'all, thanks for coming to my cargo party. No problem. Props on the idea. Thanks.
Uh oh. I'll see someone in jeans if he didn't get the memo. Time to enforce the rules. Check out those girls. Oh my god, they're tens. Like back on the scale, you know. The scale of one to ten. Uh huh. With ten being the highest. I get the scale, right? Let's go talk to them. Uh, no, I don't. Girls like that, they go for guys that are, you know, tough. Okay. That would be tough. Follow my lead.
Ugh, man. Uh, are you alright, man? Yeah, I'm just sore from lifting all those barrels of hay.
Now if Mr. Joe doesn't give us more time off, I say we move on. Are you guys farmers? We're farm hands, man. Uh, we go where the harvest is.
I'm Ruth. Evelyn? Tell you what.
My uncle has an oil well out in Oklahoma home. I say we try our luck out there.
I don't know. What, are you afraid of getting a little oil on those abs? Come on, man. I don't know how to hurt my shoulder, mister. I don't know how to lasso a bull. Careful, man. It's still sore.
I've worked that kink out. I ain't no sissy. Massage me like a man. Let me guess. Sitty. Oh, shit. Alright, I have an idea. Make out with me.
What? No. Why?
It's perfect if we make out with each other. Not only will they see how good we are kissing, they'll know we're two fun guys who like to party.
I don't know. Don't they think that's gay? Or will they think, wow, those guys are so hot they can't even keep their hands off each other? We have a point, but I don't know. Look, worst case scenario, they think we're hilarious and they go home with us.
Alright, fine. I'll do it.
But no tongue. There has to be tongue, okay?
Do you want to think we're faking? I don't know, alright? This is all really weird. Look, if you're not interested, I'll find a guy who does want to hook up with those ladies and have sex with me. I thought you said make out. Whatever. I'll do it. That was really weird.
Yeah. I think we felt well at work. I know. Fire away. Oh, not at all. We just started the movie. Do you think Tom Hanks is really on an island for this? Definitely. What movie is this? It's for real.
What's up, man? How you doing? Hey, what's up, man? How you doing? What's your name?
It's Dan. Awesome, Dan, awesome. Yeah, don't worry about this.
Who do you know here? Like, how are you here? Just some of my friends here, man.
I wanted to come get some cheese. Oh, you want some cheese? Yeah. Oh, man, there's plenty of cheese here, right here. Cool. If you're wearing cargo shorts. You just wanted some cheese, man. |
cracked | a_brief_history_of_donald_trump_s_many_many_many_lawsuits_cracked_responds | Christian, Cody, some little girls are suing Donald Trump for all manner of things potentially, but you guys saw those little girls who did a song at a Trump rally, and it was very choreographed. The Freedom Kids, they were called. The Freedom Kids. Yeah.
Let's play this song. You must sing.
Freedom and liberty everywhere. Oh, say can you see. It's just me. I have a lighter. Do you think we have a lighter? I just want a lighter.
Trump has apparently exercised his freedom to not pay them for their services. The lawsuit is seeking between $5,000 and $15,000, and apparently in the lawsuit, Donald Trump said, hey, you kids can sell your CDs at my event, and he just didn't let them, or he didn't provide a way to do that, which doesn't seem hard to do. That seems less like, Donald Trump, you didn't give me the thing I wanted, and more like his organization is just run by like buffoons, so nothing ever gets done.
Like there's that one time when, because the press travels with him, and then they arrived late. I have really good news for you. I just heard that the press is stuck on their airplane. They can't get here. Because of the campaign, bringing them there late, and he was like, they're not here yet. He's making comments like, oh, the press isn't here yet. I'm just going to do it. No, it's your fault they're not there.
And he's allegedly a billionaire, so he could pull out his wallet, allegedly, and take out $5,000 to $15,000, allegedly, and still have billions of dollars, allegedly. He's very poor. There's not a good way to spin that story, really. The way he explains it other times is that they did a bad job.
They're little girls. They did great. They did their best. He encouraged them a little bit.
He must have been a terrible father. I mean, he obviously was. Now I want to see, in the trial over this, I want to see him have to go on the stand and prove how much he knows about little girls' song and dance routines. Like, to prove that he knows they did a bad job. Right, here's what they should have done. Yeah, like, if I did, there were no Shirley Temples. I'm sorry.
I've seen a lot of original music about patriotism performed by seven-year-old girls. It's kind of astounding how many lawsuits he's involved in. USA Today has a running total of the number he's in. Over the last 30 years, he's been involved in 4,056 lawsuits. That's too many. You want to be the president. That's too many. Yeah, that's more than 100 a year.
Like every three days. More than every three days.
It acknowledges that some of them are, you know, someone slipped and fell in his casino and they sued him. And, you know, maybe it's not his fault, who knows. But also... I didn't trip them. Probably. Seems like they. I would expect there aren't other presidential candidates ever who are just constantly in and out of a courtroom like this. If this had happened to Mitt Romney, who was, like, also a businessman, if he had that many lawsuits, that would have been it. If he didn't pay people in Utah to organize the Olympics he did, he would have heard about it. And he always talks about how, like, oh yeah, like half my lawsuits I've won or I've settled out of court with this many. But there are so many. That doesn't matter. That, like, oh, half you settled out of court, okay, that's 2,000. But that probably undersells the amount of just shenanigans. There are all kinds of stories about, like there's this Washington Post story of a man who owned a small business.
It was a music store in Free Hill, New Jersey. He got a hundred grand contract worth of pianos to provide to a Trump casino.
And then the casino just turned around after not paying him up front and said, ah, we can only do 70K. And that's the way it is. And the guy realized, oh, this is the exact amount, like, isn't worth suing over for me because I'm a regular person and I can't be in a lawsuit forever. And so he just had to get short of 30 grand. And he uses it like, this is good, him being a good businessman. It's not like, no, this is, like, you're committing a crime. You're not paying people.
Maybe he'll try to sue ISIS. Maybe that's his plan. Like, that's his secret plan.
Oh. Yeah, get him in a courtroom. Yeah. Get him in a courtroom. Yeah.
And one of them was against Bill Maher. One was against Miss Pennsylvania. She was being a real jerk.
Ah, mistake. Yeah. Mistake. I had some mistake. Mistake.
Those beauty queens, they sure do. They talk a lot of trash. I need to crush little girl.
Trump famously a few weeks ago said, I am going to sue those people at the New York Times for irresponsible intent. Actually, he specifically said, quote, my lawyers want to sue the failing New York Times so badly for irresponsible intent. So he's claiming lawyers came down and said, we need to sue for, quote, irresponsible intent, which is not a thing. This Guardian article, there's a whole paragraph that just says, irresponsible intent does not exist under any standard or doctrine of US law. Apparently, Donald Trump has lawyers who are very creative.
I mean, obviously, he's like lying. If he's not, then again, he's hiring dummies. If he wins, he's just going to fill the cabinet with these idiots. And then the rest will be his sons and daughter.
And his sister will be on the Supreme Court. The sister's the judge, and he did an interview about her. He has no idea what her views are.
I think she would be phenomenal. I think she'd be one of the best at all. But thinks she'd be a great addition to the Supreme Court.
He also has said, like he said a campaign rally in February, I'm going to, quote, open up our libel laws, quote, so that when newspapers write purposely negative stories, we can sue them and make lots of money. Do you guys think any one of these suits is going to be something that either sticks to him or like if he's elected, then we have an actual U.S. president who has to go to like civil trials about being a scam artist, like he has to interrupt his trip to visit foreign leaders to like deal with the little girls he's scammed. You know what I mean? Sorry, I can't be with you. I'm going to take these little girls down. Sorry, President Putin, I have to divert. I have to go crush these girls.
He'd probably approve, though. Trump University might stick to him. Because there's so many people that are that got screwed by it. And like it's so clearly a scam.
Right. But also no. Yeah, probably fine. Yeah. He's been doing this for 30 years. Yeah.
He's going to keep doing it. And laws are confusing to me just in a Broadway. You always threaten to sue people for irresponsible intent, right? I do not. I will sue you for that. That makes me smart.
Hey, you guys. Thank you for watching. Do the YouTube things. And in the comments, pick out any legal things that we miss that you feel are important because we really didn't have enough time for it. Yeah, not even close. I hope YouTube has enough bandwidth for you to add yours. Yeah, there's going to be a lot.
Let's crash YouTube.
But first, like and subscribe. Yeah, please. Do that first. |
dropout | What_s_Coming_To_Dropout_tv_In_2024_Preview | I want to tell the kids at home something. If you try your hardest and believe in yourself and attempt to be the best, then that's the rubric that you should measure yourself by. Don't you know the world? You beat me on live television. For that, I'm sorry. Do you know what I mean, Matt?
Sike! Matt! Oh, my God! Nana! Hey!
It's in my mouth! Um, actually, that's Thor's ass. I said that first, girl. Oh, did I? I was just paying attention. I didn't mean to do that. Ha! It's a slumber party time. You're doing very well.
I'm sorry.
I'm having a dark slumber party.
No, it's sexual. It's not sexual.
I feel like this is a pretty sexy panel. Thank you for saying it. It's so funny. That's good. I feel like this panel's ****. Ha!
Oh, my God!
Nobody in the world is as smart as us.
That's correct. Quick question. Do you have ADHD? Boom! OK. They used to do this a lot. Yeah!
I got to get one! Satisfied? |
SaturdayNightLive | the_view_relief_from_debbie_saturday_night_live | I've always wanted to do a show with four strong, intelligent women and someday I still might some may call it a train wreck. we call it the View. Well, I'm Meredith Vieira and welcome to the View. We have got an incredible show today, right Ladies, and I am in a fantastic mood today and I don't know why. Me too girl, I feel like a weight has been lifted off me and believe me. that is a new feeling to me. You know, I haven't been on a high like this since I open for John Beiner at the Improv in 81. Ladies, let me tell you, I haven't felt this girlishly giddy since I was 70.
Let's take a look at the news. Usa Today reports that our very own, Debbie Metinopolis has been fired from Abc's The View. Our show, huh? Sir, what do you? What do you think about this? Yes, I am a lawyer and what this means is that Debbie's contract has been terminated and now legally speaking. I am the weakest link to this program, right? you are. Does this mean that I've got a full-time gig?
Because every day I work here is one less day I have to substitute teach in the Bronx. I I was at a make You Run Sunday party last weekend with Osama Bin Laden and sister friends. He only had two things to say: Pass the sprinkles and Kill that mouthy blonde. Oh my God, you guys! I am so sorry it's going on around here today. But first, I had a problem getting past security and then for some reason the keys to my dressing room door wouldn't work.
So what I miss? didn't you read the memo I sent you? Oh, yeah, right. the memo. Well, I got it and I was gonna read it. let me tell you what happened. it is so funny. Okay, I i was drawing little pictures on it with like new little hearts and butterflies and things. It's one of those big fat stinky markers. smell my fingers. don't smell like it. okay, so but but the ink seep through and now I can't read it. why was it important? Uh, Debbie, did you get the the flowers that I sent you? Oh, Mary. thank you so much. That was so sweet at first. I got really excited cuz I thought they're from a boy and I was like, yeah I got to be flowers look and then I read the card and I was like, why did Maris tell me flowers? thanks.
Anyway, let me tell baby girl if brains was a crime you would never do time. Listen, let me give you a little tip that Johnny Carson once told me you're fired. you're not on the show anymore. Oh well, I mean, that's cool. I still get paid, right? your little Greek ass back to Mtv. Don't hit me. Well, that's fine.
I know you see me as some sort of fool and I've willingly played your bet. noir, your fall staff and now it seems I'll I'll be your sacrificial lamb. But I won't walk out of here defeated like some sort of Gen X Willie Lohman because those peccadillos you so abhor in my character are the mucilage that binds this loose confederation of personalities into appointment television. To quote Louie the 14th, I play more the Deluge. We're all gonna get ear-candled. |
dropout | hardly_working_fire_warden | Let's get closer, let's get closer, bring it in, bring it in. Good morning, this is a fire drill and I am here to instruct you about proper fire safety procedure in this building. Now when you're evacuating during a fire, the first thing you're going to want to do is file out in a quick and orderly line. But you need to fight that instinct. This is fire people, you will die if you stay calm. A, B, S, always be sprinting, anyone who slows down gets trampled, they deserve it. Questions at the end.
Hold the back of your hand to the knob, hotter it is, safer it is to open. There's just more heat that the knob is absorbing, that means there's less fire that can burn you. And if a piece of your clothing is to catch on fire, what do you do?
Stop, drop, and roll. Stop, drop, and wait.
Last thing we need is a bunch of people rolling around on fire. Leading cause of death, throwing a fire is... Smoke inhalation? Wrong! Leading cause of death, throwing a fire is fire, smoke is a gas, it cannot kill you. Fire is way hotter, it's literally as hot as fire. You're wrong!
Now this line goes directly to the building fire marshal, that's me. In the event of a fire, do not use this phone, this is your fire, don't drag me into this. I don't like fires, I'm scared of fires. Now if you see fire, but you do not hear an alarm, do not tell anyone. You will scare your coworkers, just go back to your desk and work quietly. Three out of ten fires just go off for no good reason.
Any questions? Questions at the end? And that wraps up our talk for today. Moving on, I've said several practice fires throughout the office to simulate a real fire. Any questions?
Yeah, what's the difference between a practice fire and a real fire? I'm doing no fire, people! I'm just going to wake this one out, everyone else drop and wait and elevate him! Ugh, really do not like fire. |
SaturdayNightLive | elton_john_s_new_musical_saturday_night_live | Elton John announced this week that he would be bringing a musical production of the Ann Reis' Vampire Lestat to Broadway this year, here with an exclusive sneak preview of the work in Progress, Elton John. Hello, Jimmy. you look good enough to eat. keep it cool, buddy. you got some songs that you want to preview for us again? Yes, I do, Jimmy. this first one is a portion of the opening number entitled Dawn's Lament. you can hear the pain and the eroticism of the vampire's existence. don't let the sun come up on me. because I'm a Dracula, my reflection I can't see. I'm just a dude who likes sucking blood. So let me be, oh. because I look like an open-faced tuna melt if you let the sun come up on me.
All right, that was a little clunky of the ending. Also, that was your song, don't let the sun go down on me. what do you want to do to me? stop it, dude. fine, Jimmy. wink. the next number comes late in the second act. Oh, yeah? it's called night Song, a conversation. Hey, Frankenstein, how's it been going? Heard you in the lady counter when splits fell.
Sorry, guy, relationships are pretty hard. especially when you're made out of 14 other dudes. come on, man, let's have some brews. catch up on the good old times for Frankie and Lestat. Frankie and Lestat?
Yeah. so the Frankenstein monster is in your musical. of course, Jimmy. And Mummy, Wolfman. of course. Chewbacca. Oscar the Grouch, it's a musical about monsters, Jimmy. Wolfman's in there, too? Yes, Wolfman's in there. you haven't read the book, have you?
Jimmy, it may surprise you to hear that I have not. All righty. this is part of the final number. you're not playing right now, am I? you're not playing the piano. I put it on pause for a moment while I speak. I didn't know that. I didn't see you do that. pause, yeah.
Okay, not on again, Okay. All right, this is part of the final number. I'm currently calling it Midnight Fantasia. I can't imagine this won't be good.
Here comes Dracula, suck your blood out. there's nowhere you can run, even if you could Now. it wouldn't matter, because he can turn into a bat. Crazy Dracula, He loves his buddies.
Wolfman has a myth, how you stupid bastards. run into the shed and lock it in a shed. Wolfman's gonna kick the door in.
Zombie's gonna eat your brains. this sucks hard. I'll tell you who sucks hard. Get out of here. it's Dracula, Jimmy. Get out of here. Dracula sucks hard.
Get out of here. quicken up, I'm Jimmy Fallon. I'm Tina Fey, Good night. What the hell? |
SaturdayNightLive | doorbells_and_more_saturday_night_live | Pfft, nice doorbell. Hi, Doorbell. has this ever happened to you? you lost a friend because you got a boring doorbell?
Hi, hello. I'm Tina, Tina Shanuz.
Do you enjoy a fly, fancy lifestyle? then why's your doorbell so vanilla? Come on down to Doorbells and more. Okay, here's what a regular doorbell sounds like. No, I'm tired of that. you need a custom-made doorbell that speaks to you, like this.
Ding Dong, Ha. Yes, that is my voice.
Why shouldn't it not be?
This is my idea.
Guess what?
I know. we got a doorbell for every person. just come up and ask me. I bet you don't have a doorbell for somebody who likes cars. Okay, here it is. Hong Kong, Your Doorbell, Ding Dong, Car. you did it!
But what about me?
I like computers. Check this out. Ding Dong, Router, Netflix, What?
Good. What about me? I like animals. Okay. Ding Dong, Wolf, bears. fine.
And what about when it's time for those holiday visitors to leave? Goodbye, I need to read my magazine.
Now, you're unique enough? be quiet. let's listen to some testimonial from some person. Tina, Tina made these doorbells. that's all you got to say?
Oh, no. I've been with you for 10 years, and this is what you do?
Oh, My. God.
So come on down to Doorbells & More and get the fantasy doorbells of your dreams. Ding Dong, Baby. that's a good one.
Bye-bye. |
cracked | the_board_game_inspired_by_sad_sick_children_wamw | We've all played Candyland. In fact, it's essentially the most iconic board game of our lifetime. It dominated the market for over 70 years, whether you love it, loathe it, or pretend to love it for your kids, or pretend to loathe it in front of your friends.
But behind the bright rainbow squares and jolly's bright purple cheeks is a bunch of sad 50s kids with greaser haircuts and polio. Wait a minute, what? Nostalgia. Under the microscope. That's right, during the heart of the polio epidemic in America in the 1940s and 50s, Elliott Abbott, a retired school teacher recently diagnosed with polio, spent much of her time in the children's polio ward in a San Diego hospital.
She really felt for the children and how isolated they were, so she was inspired to make a game that could comfort them and keep them entertained while they were stuck in bed. Thus, she created Candyland, a game anyone could enjoy. Bright colors, fun, warm characters, except Lord Licorice.
We did not vibe. And finally, no math.
It became a hit in the children's polio ward and eventually spread to all the younger hospital patients who contracted the joy. They were all like, wow, did you see the game that the older lady who hangs around us kids made up?
It's a game about candy. Gee, that sounds swell. Do you actually get candy? I love candy. We never get actual candy in the hospital. No, we don't get candy, but you could collect characters that represent candy.
Okay, well, I guess my choices are pretty limited in the hospital, so I'll give it a try.
And bam, the rest is history. Candyland was an overnight success. Conditions in the outside world were also perfect for a new game to dominate the market. We were post World War II, the economy was booming, and boomers were being born. People had kids and money to spend on them. Hey guys, what was that like? Parents were thrilled to have a game that kids could occupy themselves while parents did parental things like smoke cigarettes and stare out the kitchen windows. You know, like adults. The game was purchased by Mattel only a year after its inception and was an instant classic. Since the polio epidemic was still happening, kids congregating in public spaces such as parks and pools were off the table and Candyland was on it. Sound familiar? I mean with like Xbox instead of Candyland, but still.
While Mattel never marketed to kids with polio or mentioned its past, Abbott never lost sight of the vision she had and she donated all the proceeds from her royalties to kids in need. That is prime queen frosty and behavior. Yeah, she was a real one.
To this day, Candyland still sells over 1 million games a year and constantly goes through redesigns. The Toys R Us in Times Square was even decorated with Candyland characters and themes until they lost their rights in 2006. And then their money. And then their store. Candyland even had an animated direct-to-DVD movie released in 2005 called Candyland the Great Lollipop Adventure.
It's also pretty much the only game where no one wins because in 2004 they changed the last square to a rainbow so that no matter what card you draw, everyone dissipates into the heavenly cotton Candyland ruled by King Candy. And the game ends and parents who don't have to resolve any arguments among their children live happily ever after. The other game nobody wins his life because we all die. Also like not a huge fan of the board game.
Do you know any other fun facts about Candyland? Which Candyland character was your childhood's aura?
Let me know in the comments below. Plumpy is a Pisces. He seems emotional. He seems like he can connect to people. Mr. Mint Scorpion. He loves himself. I feel like Mint loves how clean it is. Gloppy is the Gemini because sometimes he's solid and sometimes he's melty. |
cracked | superbowl_hookers_plunging_satellite_news_on_cracked_1_28 | It's Monday, January 28th, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I approved this message. Blah! Arizona authorities say that they will be hyper-vigilant about Super Bowl hookers who come to town just to sell their wares, namely their vaginas, to the wealthy fans in town for Super Sunday. Authorities told the News on Cracked that they're thrilled Indianapolis isn't in the big game this year, since we all know that Gatorade, DirecTV, MasterCard, M&M, Sprint and ESPN Pitch Man plus Colts quarterback Peyton Manning is the biggest horror they could possibly have to deal with.
A U.S. spy satellite which has lost its power is descending towards Earth in an uncontrollable spiral. The satellite will crash into Earth in a few weeks, and officials claim there is no telling where it may land or how much damage the metallic debris might cause to property or to human life.
In other, entirely unrelated news, we here at the News on Cracked are collecting donations to construct a huge magnet over the home of Paris Hilton. No reason. The Washington Post today ran with a headline reading, and this is a 100% legitimate quote, Kennedy will endorse Obama in blow to Clinton. If you can't write the joke here, ladies and gentlemen, you haven't been watching enough of the News on Cracked. And finally, a wild elephant in southern China picked up an American tourist with its trunk and then threw him in the air, causing the man to suffer fractured ribs and stomach injuries. The elephant seen here was reportedly pissed off that I reused a joke that I used last week on the News on Cracked. That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back Wednesday for the dramatic conclusion of the following sentence. It's Wednesday, January 30th, 2008, and this is the... |
SaturdayNightLive | patient_thoughts_saturday_night_live | Good morning, Mr. Burnbow, how are we feeling today? Well, if we could talk, we'd tell you. we feel just great. we have tubes sticking out of our nose, and we can't move our muscle. we feel like dancing the Lindy hap all the way down Lexington Avenue. are we ready to make our morning deposit? No. this is degrading, and it's freezing cold. that's it. just do your business. where do you keep these things, Glory, on the icebox? Today's Sunday, so we should look good for our visitors. would you like me to comb your hair? Oh, sure, do that. comb my hair, put a bissell rouge on my cheeks. make me look like a human being. say, baby, I've been waiting for you in the laundry room. I ain't got no time for you, James. I got work to do. Oh, come on, baby. let's close the blinds and set up a rollaway bed. in front of Mr. Burnball? that old man, he ain't gonna tell nobody about his alive as a baked potato. Gloria, Gloria, what do you hang out with that low-life Schwartzaphobe? Look, the poor man just had a stroke. now, he's just as alive as me or you. Now, get out of here before I call you a supervisor. All right, Gloria, it's cool. you don't want to be down. it's all right. there's a lot of girls in this neighborhood that want some of this action.
Ed, we're here. it's Susan. Susan, your daughter! And you remember Joey, my husband?
How you doing, Mr. Burnball? Oh, you wouldn't believe the trouble we had getting here. I'm telling you. you know, it's freezing outside. we got stuck on the Bell Parkway. I nearly had a stroke. Oh, sorry, Dad. you look great. doesn't he look great, Joey? hey, he looks terrific. So, listen, you know, we had a little bad news. Joey got laid up again at the plant. so what else is new to bum?
So we figured, you know, we'd sell the house. I mean, you know, it doesn't matter anymore, now that mama's dead.
Sorry, but anyhow, you'll be living here for a while. it's not so bad, is it, Dad? Dad, did you happen to leave a will? We've been looking everywhere, and we can't find it. what's the use of trying to talk to him? shut up, Joey! Dad, if the will is in the den, raise your right eyebrow. if it's in the living room, raise your left eyebrow. And if it's in my bedroom, can you wiggle your tongue?
Aw, he ain't moving. Nothing for Crown Love. That guy's a veggie over here. why don't we just expire and get it over with?
That's Rachel. Yeah. your friend Rachel is here, Dad. Oh, Rachel, thank God. these shnamils are after me about the Will again.
How are you, Morris? What do you mean? how is he? Look at him! Sure. You look at him and you see an old man. I look at him and I see the Morris Birnbaum I used to know. a guy that could mop up the floor with a loser like you.
Well, I guess we'll be going. so long, Dad! Bye, Rachel. Goodbye. Rachel.
Rachel, please don't lie to me. tell me I look. don't tell me I look good. Morris, Morris, you look like hell. But I used to be a damn good-looking guy.
But I remember when I first met you at Cousin Helen's. Oh, how you could play the piano. Oh, my God. she's going to sing. Rachel, please, not the song. if you like a me like I like a you, then we like both the same. I like a say, this very day. I like to change your name.
I always wondered, Morris, why didn't you ever ask me? why wasn't Ruth your marriage? Well, I got the letter from your attorney. So don't worry about the will. I'll take care of everything. excuse me, but it's time for your sedative. Well, I guess that's my cue, Morris. Gizai, Gizant. Gizant, I hate Rachel. You take good care of him, because he's taken good care of you in his will. I'm feeling lousy. if you like a me like I like a you. |
cracked | why_being_a_writer_for_game_of_thrones_must_suck | That's what intelligent women do, what they're told. You need to ask yourself what to do. I don't need to do anything.
Then Cersei's like, oh, I'm sorry, my lord. But before she can finish her thought, Bronn comes in and says, your days of being king are over, you little shit.
Bam! Cuts Joffrey's nose off, blood everywhere. He cries, he pees. Jon Snow comes in out of nowhere, out of fucking nowhere, and he's like, I may not know much, but I've got a gun, and I know where to put it. Bam! Bam, he shoots Joffrey, he shoots him right in his, right in everywhere, right in his everywhere. All of it, something blows up, they walk away from it without looking, credits. Joffrey, Joffrey blows up.
Yes. Are you kidding me? I don't know, I like it. I fucking loved it.
We can't just kill Joffrey. But I want to really bad. No, aside from the fact that guns don't even exist in this universe, you can't just kill a character off because you hate him. Everybody hates him. There's like magic and dragons in this, why can't we also make there be guns? Because it didn't happen in the book. Well, Podrick doesn't have a giant dick that he makes women come for miles in the books either, but we did that. And if you recall, I was very against it when you pitched it. We can't just kill Joffrey. And in the books, he doesn't die until- La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
Don't tell me what happens. God, spoiler alert much. You write for Game of Thrones. Are you telling me that you haven't read? It is literally required reading. I want to be surprised.
Show is so good. So good. Oh my God. It's unbelievable.
No killing Joffrey. Sink and sense the gashes. And I speak Valerian, because of course I do, because we all write Game of Thrones. OK, new pitch. Interior, throne room, King's Landing, Joffrey, dick face, jack off. Not necessary for an across the page, but go on. OK, so he's sitting on the iron throne.
He's holding the frog. He tosses the frog off screen. We hear a ribbit and a splat.
Joffrey sucks. Come on, man. The spider walks in and says, hey, garbage bud, you're cruel because people hate you, but people hate you because you're cruel. And you've gotten your way your whole fucking life. So every time you make a mistake, you blame them and get really furious with them when really it's your own fault and you're hating yourself. Also, you're really stupid. Don't even know why I haven't stopped you yet. So Joffrey cries, right?
And he's like, oh, I know. It's true.
I'm a monster. I suck. Please help me better myself. And better the seven kingdoms and help me to be less of a total garbage bud.
No. OK, how about that? But then Ron shows up. No! Look, you can't just lay out all of the character's problems so that he'll cry. But I want to see him. I have to. How about we bring in the Joffrey impersonator we hired, huh? Yeah. I mean, we got this guy. So you could work through some of these issues. It's what we pay him for.
Oh, oh, no. I'm dead. And also, I'm a massive c**t. Ha ha ha.
It's not the same. It's not that old. Well, that's all you're going to get, OK?
Can't have him cry or grow as a person. It will mess up the plot. And apparently, something I can't stress enough, it doesn't happen in the books. If you don't want to know what happens in Game of Thrones, don't write for Game of Thrones, OK?
You know what? If anybody else has a problem with Joffrey staying a villain, then I suggest, huh, I have some ideas that I like to run by. Oh, shut up, garbage butt. Hey, guys. You guys are also so sweet. Saying that you want to see me in every scratch. And I don't know. I guess I just have to say that I agree.
And it's up to you, the people, to put the pressure on. Keep the campaign going. |
TheOnion | Blankets_No_Longer_Warm_Me_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | Hey everyone, today's question comes from YouTuber HardGoldFiend.
Blankets no longer warm me. Alright, well there's a lot to unpack in this question, but I think we can do it. First you're going to want to check that your blankets are in fact blankets. Blankets are large, intact pieces of cloth. Now if you're covering yourself with netting, string, wispy gauze, or ice, this might be a big reason why you're not warming up. Some of you might be saying, wait, back up, what do you mean by covering yourself?
Let's start with yourself. Who is you? You is that which is watching me. Let me give you an example. If there are other things, things around one, then everything that is not other things is you.
Another way to look at it is what is cold right now? The blankets are not warming, who?
You. Right? You. Make sense? Okay, sweet.
Remember when I said covering yourself? Now let's cover covering. Another way to cover something is to put a thing on it. Think about a lid on a pot, a person on a chair. These are things covering other things. Now you want the blankets to be covering you. Like this.
Not this. Definitely not this. Okay, I was just kidding with that last one.
If you're sure that you have blankets and that they are covering yourself, then there may be another problem at play. Are you covering yourself with the blankets just for a few seconds and then immediately deciding that they're not warming you? Because blankets take a little bit of time to warm up, so be patient and don't immediately cast off the blankets. Another possibility is that you're in a very cold room. The blankets may be warming you a little and this is just a general problem with coldness and there's not an easy solution. If everything checks out so far and you're still not warming up, then we may have a more serious issue at play here.
You may not have a soul, you may be an android, or then this is kind of a tricky one. You may not be at all. How can you be sure that the universe exists if you're not there to experience it yourself? |
dropout | the_six_ways_you_ll_try_to_get_out_of_the_friend_zone | This is you. And this is the friend zone. Look, I really value our friendship, okay?
Don't panic. You're smart. You can beat this. All you need is a plan.
These are the six ways you'll try to get out of the friend zone. You need a second chance at a first impression, so naturally you'll fake your own death. You had a long-lost twin? She had no idea. You'll want to call yourself Ace, but you won't, because that's awful.
Logan? So is Logan.
This time, you'll be cool, confident. This time, she'll like like you.
Wait. Your brother. He would have wanted it this way. Also, shared grief? Totally hot. It's the perfect plan. Mom, can I borrow $5,000 for a fake funeral? No, honey. Almost.
Girls like mystery. Girls like secrets. You need a secret.
He was Princess Jasmine for Halloween. One time when he was 14, he came into my bedroom.
Correction. You need a good secret. Like a superhero. Or a vampire. Or a spy. Or all three. You'll slip a cape and spandex into your laundry. You'll act moody and stay out of the sunlight for a week.
You'll hire a Russian in a suit to ask questions about you. She'll be won over by your aura of mystery. Or not. What if she wanted a guy? You realize you don't know, so you'll do some research. Better yet, you'll go undercover.
Now you'll be able to like all the things she likes. Say all the things she wants to hear.
Why is there a favorite fruit? Pineapple. Yeah, that's your favorite book. Oh, thanks.
Bring her the right gifts. Suggest the right movies.
Yeah, you're creeping yourself out. Also, those Mission Impossible masks? Not actually a real thing.
She doesn't like you? Fine. You'll find a different girlfriend.
A hot one. No, a famous one. No, a really famous one.
Someone to make her realize what she's missing. You know what girls really love? Being part of your plan to make somebody else jealous.
Enough of this fantasy crap. The only way to win here is to improve yourself. To be a better person. You'll work out, read books, read better books, buy new clothes, learn cooking and fancy words to describe wine.
After all this time, all it took to break out of the friend zone was hard work, dedication, and... That's not gonna happen. I mean, we can still be friends, right? Of course. Always. Finally, you decide there's only one way out of the friend zone. Walking away from it. Still, you like each other, so you hang out occasionally. As friends.
And because you're not trying so damn hard, it's good. Better than it was before. More comfortable.
After all your plans, after all your agendas, after all your effort. The one thing that works is doing nothing at all. I have to find the Nazi to kill my dad. How am I supposed to be in the background on my website?
Hahaha! Cooking and fancy words to describe wine.
After all this time, all it took to break out of the friend zone was hard work, dedication, and... That's not gonna happen. I mean, we can still be friends, right? Of course. Always. Finally, you decide there's only one way out of the friend zone. Walking away from it. Still, you like each other, so you hang out occasionally. As friends.
And because you're not trying so damn hard, it's good. Better than it was before. More comfortable.
After all your plans, after all your agendas, after all your effort. The one thing that works is doing nothing at all. I have to find the Nazi to kill my dad. How am I supposed to be in the background on my website? Hahaha! |
dropout | things_not_to_do_when_talking_about_your_dad | You know, call me old-fashioned, but I remember when people used to actually talk to each other. Shut up. Hey, Murph, what's wrong? I just had the most frustrating conversation with my dad.
I mean, sometimes I want to just... Ew! You want to fist your dad? I don't want to want to fist my dad. I want to punch him in the face! Okay. He can be so stubborn. I want to just...
Whoa! What? I want to grab him by the cheeks and... Yeah! Let me in, dad!
Don't stick your nose in it. I know I'm not the man he wanted me to be, but he doesn't need to rub my face in it. Why did he lick it? You ever wish you had a microphone so you could broadcast the way you really feel? How do I please you, Father? Stop shaking it.
I can't. I'm so mad. I need, like, three microphones. I'm down on my knees here! Please get up. It's just impossible with him. I mean, every conversation, I'm doing all of the heavy lifting.
Hah!
Oh, dad! Pfft! Oh, come on! What?
I'm spitting on him! It looks like you're lubing up. I'm not lubing up. I'm spitting on my hand and then hitting him with the spit hand because I'm so angry.
Take it, dad. You deserve this! Oh, dad! What?
I'm poking his eyes out and sticking my pinky up his face. Stop wiggling it! You know, I put myself out there.
I roll the dice and then it just blows up in my face. I roll the dice and it just blows up in my face!
Just get... Hi. I'm looking for my son. There's some things I need to tell him. I assume you're looking for Murphy's over there. Why don't you just leave me a message? Tell him I'm disappointed.
Hey, I'm Murph from College Humor. If you liked that video, click here to subscribe and click here to see more sketches. Yeah, they're sketches, not skits, and I'm a pretentious dickhead. |
cracked | why_the_persians_should_be_the_good_guys_in_300_hilarious_helmet_history_1 | Still, you're smart. You understand that that troglodyte isn't a realistic human from ancient Iran. You understand artistic choices. But Frank Miller and Zack Snyder's Tom of Holland-fest movie doesn't just exaggerate history.
It gets it backwards. They kept telling you ancient Spartans fought for... But the reality was... two out of three.
If anybody fighting at Thermopylae represented freedom, it was Persia. And this bit of anti-Persian trash talk, coming from a Spartan, would have been awfully confusing to a Persian. The Achaemenid Persian Empire, the one that invaded Greece twice, was the largest empire the world had ever seen. And other than a few long-term POWs, they built that Persian empire without slaves.
They generally banned owning other people. Whereas as a Spartan soldier, Muscles McGee would have personally owned a bunch of slaves. Spartan society was a rigid caste system. The male Spartan citizens at the top of the spanakopita were legally required to be full-time soldiers. Since stuff like farming needed to happen, that economically required Sparta's soldier men to hold slaves. They were legally required to beat. Persia's military had full-time soldiers too, but Persia wasn't psycho enough to force every adult male into their army. Instead, they recruited a military from across their empire, paid for it with tax dollars, and ran it with a federal government.
That sounds awfully modern for happening 2,500 years ago. And the more you look at ancient Persia, the more Western they seem. Their empire's founder, Cyrus II, was a multiculturalist.
He didn't force his religion on the many territories he conquered. His actions even helped free the Jewish tribes in captivity in Babylon, so they could go build a new temple in Jerusalem.
That tolerance was revolutionary for its time, because Persia's imperial predecessors, the Assyrians and Chaldeans, tended to rule that region by skinning and impaling people. If you paid your taxes and didn't revolt, you were a Persian. But if you weren't quite muscular enough of a baby, Spartans enslaved you, or you. And Persian kings like Darius I, who the 300 movies use as tyrannical props, sorry were leaders who improve their dominions, building roads, refining bureaucracies, standardizing currency and pioneering lots of good government work. Heck, while the Greeks and Sparta were busy oiling each other's abs, the Greeks and Persian-occupied Asia Minor were building a wonder of the ancient world.
And don't worry, I've seen the sequel to 300. Because I used my time well.
I know it argues creepy, crazy Sparta still saved Western civilization, because they fought for a free Greece, an Athenian experiment called democracy. Of course Athens was a democracy where voting was limited to adult male landowners, and where Socrates was sentenced to death for thought crimes. But yeah, Athens was democratic. Some Athenians could vote on everything from major laws to who served as their generals. But the Spartans didn't save Athenian democracy.
They actively kicked the crap out of it. And not just because Persian victory at Thermopylae let the Persians burn Athens down. Three years after Thermopylae, Sparta gave up on fighting the Persians. Athens had to carry on without their help. Since Athens was just one city, they formed an epic alliance with the rest of Greece. And it pushed the Persians back. But then Sparta got jealous of Athens' new importance. So Sparta started decades of brutal wars against Athens. And when Sparta started losing to Athens, in what's called the Corinthian War, they figured out the perfect way to turn the tide against those darned Athenian Democrats. Which was to team up on Athens with Persia. Which means those guys' descendants were allies. And they crushed Athens. Athens never recovered. And Sparta let Persia manipulate Greek politics to serve Persian interests for years to come. But Alex, you say, how did we get Western civilization if Athens got squished?
Well, a lot of factors. But one of the biggest factors was good Persian governance that strengthened Macedonia, a backwater territory north of Greece. Macedonia thrived while Sparta and Athens headbutted. But that backfired for Persia, because a thriving Macedonia rose up and conquered the entire Persian Empire, plus Greece and a little of India, thanks to Alexander the Great. Since Persian systems were the most effective government Alexander knew of, he copy and pasted them across his even larger empire. After he died, his empire came apart, which cleared the Mediterranean for the Alexander-imitating culture-absorbing Roman Empire. Rome fell, the Dark Ages happened that led to Roman-influenced European empires that colonized North and South America, which means Persia influenced America's traditions a whole lot more than Sparta's angry slavery town ever did. And though the Persians had faults, they weren't freedom-devouring monster gods, despite what you've been told by America's blue-screened bullsh** assemblers, novelty gun hat makers, and absolute finest muscle-toucher uppers.
Hey! Thanks for watching. Please like and subscribe.
Let us know in the comments if this was the better helmet to wear. I brought two. I didn't know which would work.
This one is a little tufty. It's a little bit of a Hail Caesar sort of thing. Both the movie and the thing. He was Roman.
Still, you're smart. You understand that that troglodyte isn't a realistic human from ancient Iran. You understand artistic choices. But Frank Miller and Zack Snyder's Tom of Holland-fest movie doesn't just exaggerate history. It gets it backwards. They kept telling you ancient Spartans fought for...
For our lives. For our families. For our freedom.
But the reality was... 2 out of 3.
If anybody fighting at Thermopylae represented freedom, it was Persia. And this bit of anti-Persian trash talk, coming from a Spartan, would have been awfully confusing to a Persian. The Achaemenid Persian Empire, the one that invaded Greece twice, was the largest empire the world had ever seen. And other than a few long-term POWs, they built that Persian empire without slaves.
They generally banned owning other people. Whereas as a Spartan soldier, Muscles Magee would have personally owned a bunch of slaves. Spartan society was a rigid caste system. The male Spartan citizens at the top of the spanakopita were legally required to be full-time soldiers. Since stuff like farming needed to happen, that economically required Sparta's soldier men to hold slaves. Slaves they were legally required to beat.
Persia's military had full-time soldiers too, but Persia wasn't psycho enough to force every adult male into their army. Instead, they recruited a military from across their empire, paid for it with tax dollars, and ran it with a federal government. That sounds awfully modern for happening 2500 years ago. And the more you look at ancient Persia, the more Western they seem. Their empire's founder, Cyrus II, was a multiculturalist.
He didn't force his religion on the many territories he conquered. His actions even helped free the Jewish tribes in captivity in Babylon, so they could go build a new temple in Jerusalem. That tolerance was revolutionary for its time.
Because Persia's imperial predecessors, the Assyrians and the Chaldeans, tended to rule that region by skinning and impaling people. If you paid your taxes and didn't revolt, you were a Persian. But if you weren't quite muscular enough of a baby, Spartans enslaved you or you. And Persian kings like Darius I, who the 300 movies use as tyrannical props, sorry Darius, were leaders who improved their dominions, building roads, refining bureaucracies, standardizing currency, and pioneering lots of good government work. Heck, while the Greeks and Sparta were busy oiling each other's abs, the Greeks and Persian-occupied Asia Minor were building a wonder of the ancient world.
And don't worry, I've seen the sequel to 300. Because I used my time well. I know it argues creepy crazy Sparta still saved Western civilization, because they fought for...
A free Greece. An Athenian experiment called democracy. Of course Athens was a democracy where voting was limited to adult male landowners and where Socrates was sentenced to death for thought crimes. But yeah, Athens was democratic. Some Athenians could vote on everything from major laws to who served as their generals. But the Spartans didn't save Athenian democracy.
They actively kicked the crap out of it. And not just because Persian victory at Thermopylae let the Persians burn Athens down. Three years after Thermopylae, Sparta gave up on fighting the Persians. Athens had to carry on without their help. Since Athens was just one city, they formed an epic alliance with the rest of Greece. And it pushed the Persians back. But then Sparta got jealous of Athens' new importance. So Sparta started decades of brutal wars against Athens. And when Sparta started losing to Athens, in what's called the Corinthian War, they figured out the perfect way to turn the tide against those darned Athenian Democrats. Which was to team up on Athens with Persia. Which means those guys' descendants were allies. And they crushed Athens, Athens never recovered. And Sparta let Persia manipulate Greek politics to serve Persian interests for years to come. But Alex, you say, how did we get Western civilization if Athens got squished?
Well, a lot of factors. But one of the biggest factors was good Persian governance that strengthened Macedonia, a backwater territory north of Greece. Macedonia thrived while Sparta and Athens headbutted. But that backfired for Persia because a thriving Macedonia rose up and conquered the entire Persian Empire, plus Greece and a little of India, thanks to Alexander the Great. Since Persian systems were the most effective government Alexander knew of, he copy and pasted them across his even larger empire. After he died, his empire came apart, which cleared the Mediterranean for the Alexander imitating, culture-absorbing Roman Empire. Rome fell, the Dark Ages happened that led to Roman-influenced European empires that colonized North and South America, which means Persia influenced America's traditions a whole lot more than Sparta's angry slavery town ever did. And though the Persians had faults, they weren't freedom-devouring monster gods, despite what you've been told by America's blue-screened bullsh** assemblers, novelty gun hat makers, and absolute finest, muscle-toucher uppers.
Hey, thanks for watching. Please like and subscribe.
Let us know in the comments if this was the better helmet to wear. I brought two. I didn't know which would work. This one is a little tufty. It's a little bit of a Hale-Caesar sort of thing. Both the movie and the thing. It was Roman. |
SaturdayNightLive | right_to_vote_saturday_night_live | Hi, Joe Piscopo here. I'd like to talk to you seriously for a minute about America. think for just a second. what's the greatest thing about our country? Why, it's the right to vote. And tonight is your golden opportunity to exercise that right. you can cast your vote for the Democratic nominee just by picking up your phone. We want everyone to vote, regardless of your race, color, or creed. we don't care that you're 14 years old and sort of drunk, or maybe not the brightest guy in the world. we don't care. vote anyway.
Or maybe you're saying to yourself, you're saying, Joe, it costs 50 cents. I need that 50 cents. I need that 50 cents to buy a designer chocolate chip cookie.
Well, why don't you go straight to Cuba, mister, and see if they let you eat that cookie on the beaches of Iwo Jima? I think I made my point. I hope America means as much to you as it does to me as Joe Piscopo. to me, America is the land of the free, the home of the brave, the country that feeds the world, the birthplace of the immortal William Shakespeare, where the Mighty Volga fuels our industrial plants, and where every citizen has the right to vote. now, the polls will be closed in just a few minutes, so please vote Now. thank you very much. God bless America. |
dropout | when_people_find_out_you_can_t_swim | Hahaha! Suckers!
Hey, you know, we should go to the beach. Oh, I call parasailing. Let's scuba, right? I'm going to try to find the Titanic. Oh, I'll book us a deep sea dive pronto. Actually, guys, I don't know how to swim.
What? Ah!
Oh, oh, I can teach you. Do you teach? No. Whenever I say I don't know how to swim, people are always saying the same thing. Oh, I can teach you. Oh, have you tried this thing? Come on. No way that's true. Have you tried floating? I can teach you. No, I don't know how to float. But floating's easy.
Does this make it any clearer? No. Does a bullet set you? Are you going to scream? No, because I don't know how to swim, but I'm not afraid of water. What?
But what would you do if you were on the next Titanic? It's Titanic, and most people on the Titanic died from hypothermia.
Does this freak you out? No, because again, I don't know how to swim, but I'm not afraid of water.
Have you taken a class? Yes. From me? No, Katie, you would know if I had taken a class from you. Smart girl.
What would you do if the pool were 100 feet deep and I just pushed you in? I would drown. What would you do if this pool were 1,000 feet deep and I just pushed you in? I'd drown.
See? Right there.
It's a survival thing. If you were on the next Titanic, you would die. Most people died in the Titanic, and it would probably just be easier if you didn't push me into pools. What if I gave you a class and I put you in the shallow end? Okay. And then we pushed you in the deep end.
You'd probably just start swimming like magic. No, that's not how anything works. It could. Are you sure you're trying it right? Because if you start kicking, I'm pretty sure you'll just start swimming. Guys, this isn't working. This isn't helpful at all. Swimming is just a thing my body doesn't know what to do.
Whoa. How are you doing that? What? You don't know how to fly? No. Okay, what are you, like, afraid of air? No, I don't think so. I mean, if you don't know how to fly, what do you do in the sky? I just stand the mountainous side. Okay, but if we were in a plane and I pushed you out, what would you even do? Let's not do that. Guys, this is crazy.
Flying is so easy. All you have to do is just fly. Oh no, I think I am afraid of air.
Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff.
And thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_bleep_bloop_broken_lizard | Tonight, on a very special all-nighter episode of Bleakbloop, we are joined by Kevin Heffernan and Steve Lemme from Broken Lizard, whose new film, The Slammin' Salmon, is in theaters right now. Tonight, we are playing one of Steve's all-time favorite games, Robotron. You have a long history with this game. Well, some say I'm the greatest, and including myself, say I'm the greatest Robotron player on the planet.
Okay. I'll put that out there, because I'll challenge anybody. Wow. You've also earned me the nickname Joystick in high school. Oh. Okay. I'm player one. Okay. This is a... You can handle this.
Are you getting your bearings? How do you feel? I'm getting it. I'm a blastas dude. I'll wait until he gets closer. I'm that cocky. This is what I used to... And, like, why do you wait until he comes closer? Put your pistol on his temple, and bam! Oh, I love the colors. Lemme, is there, like, a screen that you get to where you win, or does it just keep on going?
It never ends. It's depressing. So, it doesn't look that bad until it gets too crowded or they're shooting at you. Like, why can't you kill those big guys? They're indestructible.
It's called Geometry Wars. Don't let them... Don't be scared of the title. There is no math, actual math, and this you won't even accidentally learn. Trigonometry Wars.
Extra button. The color... Oh, Jesus. Do you think playing stone would help or hinder? It's intense, this game. You can use the triggers. You have four bombs.
What is the title indicating? Is it war being fought over geometry, or is your... You know what I mean? What does it mean?
I don't understand. I don't know. I don't know, man. What's it all about, guys? That's a good stoner answer. I don't know. I don't know, man.
Dude, I'm thinking about it hard. Any thoughts on Robotron? Revisiting it all these years later? Taking a look at its offspring?
What are you feeling right now? Honestly, if I spent as much time in my youth doing anything else, like an instrument or karate or a language, I might be in a better place than I am right now. You're doing pretty good, though. You're all right.
Don't sit down. Probably sit in a room that smells like farts. |
cracked | game_of_thrones_finally_unleashed_the_dragons_episode_4_the_spoils_of_war_got_recap | I'm Abe. I'm Cody. Abe Epperson. I direct videos here at Cracked. I'm Bridget. And I'm gonna ruin it.
Littlefinger and Bran have a little conversation. He's got the dagger that tried to kill him. In the room where he almost died.
But now he's got that cool wheelchair. Yeah, he got rid of the wheelchair girl.
The mirror walked in and saw the witch. She's like, what's that?
They made it for me. Cool. Real good idea.
Yeah, so she's out. And so in that conversation with Littlefinger, one thing I thought was really, really funny was so Littlefinger's talking to Bran and he's like, you know, I loved your mother. Now I'm here and I'm still here to do what your mother would have done, which is f*** her daughter. I'm repeating his line. Ails is Atlanta. That is the first time we've ever seen, I think, Littlefinger ever be like, oh s***. Okay, so now it's time for Stark contrast. We talked about this a little bit and you guys disagree. I really liked how that scene played out.
I thought she left, like, she's not going to meet her family. She looks at the Stark flag and was like, that's not who I am anymore. And I was very relieved from sense, I was like, I know where she is. Eventually, they finally meet each other after a couple more scenes of them saying that they're going to meet each other.
She's here. She's happy. She's kicking ass.
Yeah. R.N. Brienne got to fight and it was dope. It was so great. I was like yelling that whole time. She's going like full Arya. She's like, this is me now. This is what I'm capable of and we haven't really been able to see that yet. And that line was so badass when she comes up and she's like, I haven't trained in a while and she's like, I'll go get the master arm. She's like, nah, that fool didn't beat the hound. I counted him. There's four little tings. She does that opening move. One thing I also really liked about that fight was watching Sansa watch it. Yeah. She's seen Bran fight a lot. The entire episode, that slow realization of like, oh, Arya, who are you now?
Right. Who are you now? Her progression of like, oh, you got a list. Oh, you have a list. Oh, you're not going to kill people. Oh, you can kill people. Yeah. When they're later with Brandon and her, it's like, my siblings are freaks now. It's on the list. And she's like, oh, oh, for real?
Because that conversation with the three starks by the tree was weird. They're catching up and then Bran just out of nowhere takes out the dagger and stares at it. Like, there's no smooth introduction.
It's just, anybody want to comment on my cool dagger? He was also just like, I don't want it. And I love like, Arya was like, really? And he was like, yeah, yeah, you take it. It's like, waste it on a cripple or whatever.
I'm going to put it on and immediately fight someone. That was me on Christmas day when I got an N64. I was like, so are we done with Christmas? Because I'm going to immediately turn this on. Time for the hot goss at Dragonstone High. Let's get it out of the way.
Grey Worm and Miss Andrie? Miss Sandy.
You all know who we're talking about. They're going to yell at us for that. No, it's OK. They know who we're talking about.
So she and Grey Worm hooked up because of the power of love. Dany's like, really wants those fucking deets. Well, she's going. She's going with it. I mean, she's smiling. She's like, what? We're just interacting with Jon Snow. Why are you smiling all that much? I mean, she's great. If that scene went on a second longer, you know Dany was going to be like, so what is that? Yeah.
What is that? Girl, tell me everything. It was very like, tell me more.
So Jon Snow brings Dany into a cave of dragon glass and points out these drawings on the cave walls where they worked with the first men together to fight the White Walkers and the Night King. And he seems to prove his point to her about what is really important. But they also, in this very serious conversation about history and the future, they just want to fuck each other.
So badly.
They are so weirdly thirsty for each other in that one scene. Well, I think Jon Snow drew those real quick. I thought they were like, hey, come into the cave. Look what I found. She's like, snow your, snow your, Dany. I thought there was going to be a longer moment in the cave.
Like we're going to come back and they were going to be like, yeah, it was messy like you. Anyway, we're going to go fight the White Walkers. I bent the knee and everything's fine. And then when she goes outside and she's chastising Tyrion for like being like, they're your family. They're not necessarily enemies.
She's like, who's the advisor? Who's the one who I look, you, you look handsome.
So the big centerpiece, the big moment in this episode was all the fire that came from the sky because in the sky was a dragon. And on that dragon was a queen. And with that queen was an army and that army was riding horses and those horses rode to High Garden.
We were talking about how much we miss Bronn and we got, and we got some good Bronn. And there's not been a lot of levity this season and he will always bring it. Yeah. And he does particularly at one point because he's like, Rickon, you know, who has been killing it?
Dragons. They burned everybody. All those horses trampling, the ashy corpses.
Yeah, dude. Call back from a previous line in like season one, Robert Baranthian at one point says, Only a fool would meet the Dothraki in an open field. Again shows Jaime to be like one of my favorite characters in this because not only did he not like whip people to make efficiency happen, he stuck with his people when Bronn is like, just bail, dude. And he's like, no. I mean, you were kind of rooting for one side, but you were rooting for, you didn't want characters on the other side to die still. So Tyrion was a good audience stand in on that mountain when he was like, don't do it, you don't do it. My favorite point is I had exactly that feeling as you did, as I'm sure we all did, but at one point Ron misses with his first lands and then he fires it again and I'm like, yeah. And then Drogon gets hit and then I'm like, no, I realized I was rooting for the same thing that I was lamenting. Yeah. Right.
And then he takes a spear and tries to kill the mother of dragons in front of her face. What a brave guy. I hope he can swim.
A lot of callbacks this episode. We're going to do some callbacks because they've been doing this a lot lately. Can I title this segment? Yes. Eight, no. Call of back thrones.
Wow. That's good. Wow.
You may stay. Ser Davos of House Wingman, I want to say. But at one point he says, how many men do we have in the north to fight him? 10,000 less pure. Because that's grammatically correct. And also, if callback from like a few seasons ago, when Stannis the Manus was straight up. We got our own to worry about. Less enemies for us. Few. What?
Super like under the radar, but super nuanced. That's impressive. That's impressive catch.
In the, the dragon glass scene or the, the cave scene where they're like, at one point she says to John Snow, she's like, isn't there survival more important than your pride? It was literally copy paste the dialogue from what John Snow says to Mance Rayder. Isn't there survival more important than your pride?
When Brienne asked Arya who trained her and she said no one. No one. Who told you to do that? No one. Finally a girl is no one.
Predictions.
Uh, one thing that's becoming increasingly clear is that Dany is a little unstable. Yeah. And kind of on the edge and getting a little dark. It seems to me like she's probably gonna go a little mad and she might turn into a bit of a villain. Yeah.
Her father. Like her father.
But it's also at the same time that John is falling in love with her and wants to f**k her. You're gonna have two, like the Mad King before them, you're gonna have two Mad Queens. My prediction is that when Dany asked John Snow about like, what, what do you think I should do? His response is like... But if you use them to milk castles and burn cities, you're not different, you're just more of the same. I think it's gonna come to fruition and by the end of the season we're gonna have two Mad Queens who have just pissed everyone off because everyone's gonna be like, you just destroyed, both of us just destroyed major towns. That line to me is gonna resonate most for us at the end of the season. I'm not really ready to commit to Dany's full blown crazy yet.
Yeah. She's had moments and sparks of like, but it seems more born out of frustration than it is actual madness because every time she's had that hint of her going to the dark side, it's a generally, a genuinely frustrating moment. Right. It's fury, it's passion, it's... Right. Uh, she still hasn't like betrayed her own people in any way. It's the most interesting character right now because of those conflicts and conversation about like, no, we chose her because she freed us and if I wanted to leave right now, she would totally let me do that. Yeah. We talked about this a little bit.
Ice and Fire isn't John and Dany. Ice and Fire is just John because he is both. So last week they had this line, this is Targaryen, last week they had this line where they were walking down the same pathway and he and John and Tyrion are talking and then Tyrion's like talking about Starks and John's like, I'm not even, I'm not even a Stark. Stark men don't fare well when they travel south through, but I'm not a Stark. So he is, he's both a Stark and a Targaryen, he is both Ice and Fire.
Oh, I like that. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. That's good.
He will be riding a dragon at some point because he's got Targaryen in his blood. What if he's fireproof too?
Too. Thanks. For. Watching. Our. Video. Okay.
And make sure to subscribe to our channel by clicking the big C in the middle and then there are more videos. Click the bell icon to get notifications.
Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | i_m_like_on_a_blind_date_snl | Okay, so take a look at the menu and let me know if you have any questions. Thank you. Kenny, I'm so glad we're finally doing this. me too. I've actually never been on a blind date before. I'm like, oh, this is weird. Yeah, I know. my buddies were all like, hey, you gotta meet her, man. and then my friend Kelly was like, he's so great. and I was like, are you sure? and she was like, yeah. and I was like, okay. so what do you do? where are you from? listen to me. I'm all like, oh, hello. I'm Tom Brokaw. I know. I'm all, hello, Tom. thank you for having me. And I'm like, oh, who's this weirdo?
And I'll get me out of here aboard the date. Okay, so what can I get you to? you know, I'm actually pretty hungry. I think I'll have the steak. I'll have one of your finest steaks, sir. And you know, I'll do the salad. look at me.
I'm like, I'm a tiny bird. uh-huh. and I'm like, this needs to stop. uh-oh. he's all, I hate these people. I know. he's all, you old man. no, I'm not going to do that one. excuse me. sorry to bother you.
I just want to say I love your dress. Oh, my God. thank you so much. it's adorable. listen to me. I'm all, I want to become you. Anyway, bye. bye. you know, I really love this restaurant. I know. me too. it's my favorite. listen to me. I'm all, hey, come on down to Big Joe's Crab Shack.
I have the worst laugh. I know.
I'm like, I'm like, ooh. I'm like, ahh. I'm like, ooh.
Ryan, what are you doing here? Oh, hey. you know, I'm on a date. Whoa. you're on a date? Look at me. I'm like, never before have we seen this species mating in the wild.
Oh, man. look at his face. he's all like, mom, get out of my room. All right. get out of here. get out of here.
Okay, bye. they ride me because I was a nerd in high school. Oh, so was my sister. she used to be all, uh, calculator, please. and now she's like. she's dead? yeah. she was all, ah, car. did you want some more water? well, she was using water. Oh, hell no. now y'all making fun of Gail? yeah, this is how I talk. I'm sorry.
Ryan, everyone. put your hands where I can see them. All right? get on the floor and throw me your wallets, please. Oh, god, listen to me. I'm like, please. please, you can spare a little change.
I'm sorry. as you were. sorry. God, that was so scary. I just ran to your arms like, leave me a big hunk of my own. I know. And now you're all like, ugh, geekity geekity goo. No, don't do Family Guy. we're 30. Okay. |
dropout | honest_road_trip_ch_shorts | I cannot wait to travel five hours to get drunk and play board games when we easily could have done that here in our own home check out these disgusting snacks I brought it's all junk food that no one should ever eat oh my god gas station trail mix I'm gonna eat this all now even though I know it needs lots of the whole trip I'm pretending to be chill cuz I don't want to be the dad of this trip but I am very annoyed that we're starting this behind schedule let's go yeah all right so this is not fun or cool but before we get out I have to give you guys my list of personal rules for passengers in my car I'm not paying attention busy trying to get comfortable because my complete lack of boundaries huh I hate all of this but I'm not gonna say anything for fear of being labeled a buzzkill so let's just all put our seat belts on actually I don't wear a seat belt because of my warped idea of what freedom means to me okay well your process is extremely dumb and if I get a ticket I'm gonna lose my mind I'm being absurdly quiet because I am insanely bored I made a total mess back here and I have no intention of cleaning it up okay well here's a joke about traffic in an attempt to hide my obvious rage that's funny oh get off here I don't have any sense of direction but I'm gonna take us on a shortcut Brennan I have a lot of thoughts about your driving and I'm not afraid to share them with you because I think I'm a better driver than you okay well I'm laughing like I agree with you I would never let you drive my car you're a maniac hey Brennan no idea where we are no clue for an exit but I do need to go to the bathroom oh me too I've been holding it for hours I didn't want to be an inconvenience I'm gonna resent you for bodily functions that you guys can't possibly control great awesome I'm about to burst me too but emotionally I'm gonna read random road signs allowed just to try to break the silence fireworks next exit hope you're ready to hear me complain about my weird sunburn for the rest of this trip oh hey let's play a game to pass the time I spy with my little eye the first thing I look at that's like super obvious I'm not interested I'm gonna be on my phone to distract myself from talking to all of you but I don't have to go to the bathroom I didn't go the last time we stopped because I thought I could hold it but I can't here's a half-hearted attempt to relate about sports or something hmm that actually reminds me of a deeply personal and off-topic story about my sex life and we're just gonna have to sit with that finally I crave juicy gossip it'll trick me and enjoying this trip more this is making me deeply uncomfortable so I'm gonna switch to some loud music and distract everybody oh I say that I hate this song but actually I really love it oh me too I don't know this song but I'll pretend to so I can fit in I know all the words that I'm singing as loudly as I can and I'm singing the harmony so you should be impressed with me oh we should!
Brennan, I have to go to the bathroom without you in my sunburn!
Hi I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan from College Humor thanks for watching the video if you're gonna hit the road this summer make sure to buckle up and use your seatbelt every time I know it can be annoying to spend five hours on the row with your friends it's even more annoying to be dead it was a cow when I said I spy I was talking about I saw a cow honestly no one cares no again because then you could have won you could have gotten a point and how would I redeem that point for something valuable to me beyond the confines of the game you we order Laffy Taffy's at the end of this trip value is arbitrary Brennan, I have to go to the bathroom No! |
dropout | that_inspirational_story_is_actually_sad | You want to see me, Coach Desk? Yeah, I wanted to see you. Sit down.
What's with you missing practices, huh? Whatever, okay? I don't need five practices a week to tell me I'm the best player on this team. Arrogant, huh?
Let me tell you a story. I coached a girl once. Came from a broken home. I was 16 miles away. I was using a friend's address as her own address just to say she attended this school.
And not only did she walk to and from practice every day, but she was busting her arse on weekends too. And now, she's an elite guard of Yukon.
Wow. Pretty inspiring, isn't it? No, I was going to say that's really, really sad. What? Well, no, it just sounds like she didn't have the resources to be a star at the school she was districted for, so she had to cheat a broken system and then work 100 times harder than everybody else just to get as far as some people do by being born rich. No, I mean... I mean, that's exactly what it sounds like, and personally, I'm not interested in living that kind of like.
Okay, hush up. Just hush up, okay?
Don't you want to be a good team player? Huh? Don't you want to be there for your fellow teammates? Yeah, I try to be. You ain't trying. Yes, I am.
Let me tell you a story about a girl who was really trying once when the team couldn't afford New Jersey's. New Jersey's? No, New Jersey's! We needed New Jersey's because there were budget cuts.
She held a fundraiser by herself selling cookies, crafts, the clothes off of her own damn back, all while fighting a debilitating illness that turned her legs into jelly as she walked. Jesus. Jersey's. So an insanely sick student fundraised by herself without even your help. Well, I was busy at the time. To fund uniforms that the school should be providing anyway? That's awful. Stop using this sad story as your personal inspiration, okay? Someone should help this girl. They are!
Haven't you heard of positive reinforcement? Oh, positive reinforcement? You think positive reinforcement makes champions?
Let me tell you a story. No, please don't. I coached a girl once.
She had no eyes, no nose, no ears, no limbs. She looked like an egg. So she could not have played basketball. She had no health insurance to help her. No one to speak on her behalf.
Not even me. She had reverse Benjamin Button syndrome. That means that she aged the way that all of us do. She never thought that she could last a season here, uh-uh, no way, until I screamed at her every day.
Tuff it up! Tuff it up, you little piece of... You look like an egg! Her skin fell off because I yelled at her so much, she had to be rolled out, that I did have to get out of the car.
Now? Didn't really guard her. You can't. What the... What kind of story is that? She beat the odds. Yeah, odds that you exacerbated. So what? It's just a little yell-in.
I was taking a cue from that guy from Whiplash. Now, he really knew how to fuck it on his students.
That's not the takeaway from that movie. It's not?
Listen, if you want me to show up on time to practice, fine, but these stories make you and everyone who cling to them sound truly terrible, okay? You should be fired. I've been fired from every job I've ever had.
Let me tell you a story. I was once a little egg-shaped girl. I had to be rolled on out into the court. My mom's picking me up in like five. Hi, it's Rekha.
There is a lot of blanket play. It's a lot of blankets, a lot of, oh, I got you a gift, oh, let me tuck you into bed.
And I'm like, ooh, god, yeah. So sign up for your free trial today, and it was so great meeting you. If you want to like share some of those candy bars over wine some time, you know, I am available, you know, you get like 125, I can get 125. I know, it's just an idea. |
dropout | too_many_dating_apps_hot_date | Hey. Eww. Disgusting. Did I do something wrong? Yeah.
We don't know you. And you talk to us.
If you want to meet someone, do it online, creep. So if I download one of your little dating apps, I can hit on you? One app. You need apps plural. Multiple niche dating apps. The hookup scene has been decentralized. If you're going to find someone, you need to hedge your bets. To start, you should download Tinder, Bumble, Flame, Blump. Start to get. That one only matches you with people who pass on you. Two subway stops or a five minute taxi? Takes the commute out of dating.
Mutual fiend. What's that one? It sets you up with people you have a friend in common with that you both hate. Then you bond by sh-tucking that person. Do you have another friend named Hannah?
Crash rash. Ugh.
So addictive. Do you know how many men I've slept with to unlock another level? Oh, this one's super elite. You pay a monthly premium to date other people who are willing to pay a monthly premium for exclusive access to an elite circle of people who are willing to pay a monthly premium. This one sets you up based on who you think should die next in Game of Thrones.
And this one uploads your super sweet but kind of boring ex so you don't have to feel guilty about dumping them. It worked for me. Although now that he's dating, I kind of miss him. What do you think that says about me?
This one rates bars and restaurants on a scale of one to five stars, then you go meet people there. That's Yelp. You're doing what I'm doing. You're going to bars and you're meeting people. It's an app.
How do you even fit all this on your phones? External hard drive. Seems like a lot of work.
I'm gonna go back and hit on that desperate chick. What kind of creep approaches a stranger completely unprompted? Should I fuck this guy? He told me I look like his favorite porn star. Hold that thought.
I just had a five star match with a bar down the street. Kinky? It's Yelp. You're going to a bar.
Thanks for watching that clip on your cellular and computer device, but did you know that you can also watch an entire episode on your TV? That's right. It's one long clip. It's called an episode and it's on pop TV Wednesdays at eight and eleven. It's arguably better than a clip. Yeah, watch the whole thing.
I could use the support. I just gave myself a bad haircut. |
Wizards_with_Guns | can_you_give_cpr_through_the_butt | Sorry, sorry, I'm late. I was just- oh, there's just, uh, two of you. Uh, Daniel? Hi. And Jeremy. Oh, Jeremy.
It says you failed this class 18 times?
Well, uh, hopefully after my class, you'll be saving lives in no time. Okay, let's get started. Okay, we'll begin with the breaths.
In CPR, you want to place your mouth directly between the- Oh my god, Jeremy! No, Jeremy. Jesus Christ, Jeremy, no. Okay, take a look at Daniel. Good, Daniel. Yeah, really exhale as much air into the victim as possible. See, Jeremy? You're gonna want to- Jeremy! No, Jeremy, okay.
Like this. See? You try. Good.
Yeah, there you go, Jeremy. Jeremy, no. Jeremy. Jeremy, don't do it. Jeremy, put it back.
Good.
Thank you, Jeremy. Jeremy! Daniel! Daniel, help! What the hell was that? Hello, Jeremy?
It's gonna be a long class. That's it! You're a- Dummy, you are! A real CPR dumbass!
Never in my 25 years of- Jeremy, you did it. You saved my life. I think somebody gets an A for- Jeremy! Jeremy, wait! You're done, Jeremy! Jeremy, please don't- Three, two, one, action. I'm sorry. Jeremy. |
TheOnion | Businessman_Does_His_Work_Lying_On_Bed_Like_Schoolgirl | Mississippi bans all soft drinks smaller than 20 ounces. A report finds it's pretty incredible that Americans are trusted to drive cars, and a businessman does all his work lying on a bed like a schoolgirl. And now, after a seven-day multi-million dollar Kickstarter campaign, here comes another installment of the Onion Week in Review. In the midst of this week's same-sex marriage hearings, the Supreme Court quietly overturned Roe v. Wade Wednesday morning while nobody was paying attention. Sources confirmed while the entire nation was fixated on the ongoing debate regarding the constitutionality of a law restricting marriage to same-sex couples, the court voted 5-4 to overturn the 40-year-old landmark decision, thereby reinstating a pervasive ban on abortion across the nation.
After posting over 10,000 tweets and only ever gaining 15 followers, area man Aaron Gartner announced Thursday he was about ready to abandon his two-year-old Twitter account. Gartner said that despite participating in trending topics, live tweeting the Super Bowl, and even directly asking his existing followers to retweet him, he has yet to be followed by anyone beyond a handful of friends, family members, and seemingly inactive accounts. Well, I opened my account about two years ago and tweeted pretty much every day since, and it didn't really turn out like I expected. I thought, you know, once I hit 8,000 tweets, I can get some traction, start getting more followers, but it never really happened.
Oh, hold on a second. Apparently my aunt's following me now. Cool.
Today, Hamilton Campus Activities Board Coordinator Jessica Wilson sincerely apologized to the entirety of the student body after revealing that there aren't any awesome events happening on campus this weekend. Wilson said that while the board is usually proficient at booking plenty of cool events for all students to participate in, the upcoming weekend will have no interesting lectures, no wrestling match against Amherst, no acoustic coffee house, and no outdoor movie screening of Silver Linings Playbook. On behalf of the entire Campus Activities Board, I would like to truly apologize for failing to live up to the standards expected of us from everyone on campus.
We realize we don't deserve your trust yet, nor do we expect it, but we'll do everything we can to restore your confidence in us, starting with a comedy hypnotist show on Thursday, Minor Theatre. Tickets are $5. And in this week's Op-Ed pages, God says he feels very strongly about the issue of same-sex marriage because he has a gay son. In other news, a local father buys string cheese to make coming to his place fun. An aquarium unveils its new floating carcasses of the Pacific exhibit. And an employee running his office's NCAA bracket is relishing his one week of significance. If you want the rest of this week's news, be at Dock 7 in Seaside Heights at 8 p.m. with $16,000. Come alone. Or keep checking TheOnion.com for more. |
dropout | this_monster_has_no_phone_case_hardly_working | Jap, I've heard it with my own ears, okay? No, I promise you. I'm looking it up. Okay. Can birds call? Oh my god! Your phone doesn't have a case. Yeah, I know. So?
I'm here for protective services. I want to speak to Mr. Mike Trapp about a caseless phone. Yeah, he's right here. Shit, when I think about what that phone must have been through. Protective services?
I don't- Hey! Hey!
It's gonna be okay. Hey, the way I take care of my phone is my business. And now it's my business because this looks like negligence to me. Just another deadbeat. It's too focused on his own life to protect the small, fragile one in his care. Negligence? No, it just doesn't have a case. It's fine. You got any scratches or dents you want to show me, bud?
Okay, can you stop harassing it? Come on, phone. Let's get out of here.
I know your type. You think you're gonna live forever?
No. Cruising 90 down the highway, seatbelt off, wind in your hair, booze in your brain? No. You wanna fuck your own life up, pal?
You go right at it! But you got a phone now! You gotta think of your phone! Think of the phone!
Don't you love it? Yes, I love my phone. I love a lot of things about it.
I love how thin it is. Then make it thicker. I love how responsive the touch screen is. Then cover the screen with plastic. I love how carefully it was designed. Then hide that design under a big, yellow, minions case.
No! The phone shouldn't have to live like this. You need to listen to them, yelling. You take care of your phone the way you want, and I'll take care of mine the way I want. But you're not taking care of it. The world is a dangerous place, and you need to protect this. I am protecting you.
Let me paint you a little picture. God, no. You come home after a long day, you're tired. You got your phone in your hand as you walk into the house.
You think, hey, maybe I'll just toss it on the coffee table. See, I wouldn't do that. Just toss it right over there, whip right onto the table, when all of a sudden, bam! Betcha suddenly wish you had two inches of all-American vulcanized rubber around the most valuable thing you own! No, because I wouldn't toss it because it doesn't have a case. Let me tell you a story. God fucking damn it!
I know this guy. A lot like you, actually. Oh, yeah? Yeah. A lot like you.
He's out with his friends at a bar. He's got his phone, no case, just out on the table.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. I would not put my phone on a table. Well, you gotta take it out of your pocket. Yeah, it's so bulky. It's not bulky because it doesn't have a case!
No need to be embarrassed. Yeah, we all do it. I don't.
Look, my phone is always there. So, this guy, he's having a great time. So, this guy, he's having a death grip in my hands, or charging next to my bed. No need to be anywhere else. It's all over the table. It doesn't hold directly on the phone. But look at this. It's incredibly expensive.
Water damage! Instant death!
Buddy, you gotta put on a centimeter of plastic around that phone so you can toss it around with your friends. You can crack walnuts with it. You can take it into the pool just like the rest of us decent folks who know how to protect something precious! Do you feel like the cocoa? I don't want to make my phone objectively worse for just a little bit more security. Then I'm gonna have to take it into protective custody.
Fine.
I'll put a case on it. We're gonna get you a case, okay? You're gonna be okay.
Oh! That was your fault! No, that was all you. If you had a case in that... Well, you dropped it. How is it my fault? If you had a case on it, it wouldn't have... Not again! Because I don't drop my phone. Not again. You had a case.
Please. Please help. |
TheOnion | A_Fun_Recipe_With_Jackfruit_You_Should_Learn_To_Avoid_Looking_Like_A_Knuckle_Dragging_Dirt_Person | Six months ago, if you saw this, you'd probably say, just what the heck is that?
Nowadays, though, that, or jackfruit, is one of the trendiest foods around, and there's no way you can avoid it anymore without looking like a knuckle-dragging dirt person. That's why today we're making Spicy Jackfruit Salad. You don't need much for this recipe other than shallots, garlic, bell peppers, chilies, and oil, and of course, jackfruit. Since so many folks are preoccupied with being seen buying this tree fruit to avoid looking like they moved to the hills to fuck rocks and raise 16 illiterate children, it should be pretty easy to find at Whole Foods or another specialty market. Make sure your jackfruit is ripe before cutting, especially if you're cooking with other people around. You don't wanna be the piss-soaked troglodyte in the room who doesn't know that a ripe jackfruit is more yellow than green. Remove the fruit and dice them and broil them on a sheet pan in the oven for 20 minutes, which is plenty of time to Instagram a boastful photo of your jackfruit tenderizing in the oven.
Perfect. It's best to caption the photo with something like, Feels like I'm back in Laos. Just so you don't seem like the kind of inbred mud muncher who doesn't know where jackfruit's come from. Once that's done, just toss all our ingredients together with some organic mixed greens and a little lemon to prove you're not a snaggle-toothed cousin diddler who got his dick stuck in a beehive. And that's it. Just remember to stop talking about jackfruit's subtle flavor palette in a few months when a guaje fruit or some bullshit catches on. For The Onion, I'm Jillian Hess. |
cracked | we_reply_to_hate_comments_on_our_matrix_video_cinemistakes | What's up everybody? This is your boy Steven Spielberg. Those were just some mistakes. We were doing a special episode where we actually review comments. Today, we are going to be reviewing comments from the Matrix video. So yeah, well, let's get into it. Comment number one.
Robots are hardware, AI is software. They aren't the same thing. OK, yeah, sounds like something AI would say. Sorry to offend any robots out there, but this sounds like exactly some shit that AI would be saying to throw you off the scent that they're not an AI. But I know you, I know that you're an AI and you're trying to trick me.
I've already been tricked once by a Chad GBT girlfriend, and I ended up wiring a bunch of money to someone. I don't know who they are because of Chad GBT. So yeah, I'm so yeah, I am not going to be tricked by another AI leaving comment telling me what software and hardware is. I don't I don't know that.
All right. Nice try. Comment number two.
Dude, are you sure you're ready to deal with the madness that comes from being in a relationship with us? I'm assuming they're talking about AI. So, yeah, I think I'm ready for a commitment like that is if we can if AI can progress to the point where AI is smarter and hotter than it's ever been. And it's not like Robocop. It looks like like a hot like Chris Hemsworth type of like robot. Then, yeah, I'm ready to go into a relationship with that or like a hard, smart like woman robot. And then we can have like a baby like a baby robot together. I am pretty sure that I am prepared to have that kind of life.
And yeah, I appreciate your concern. OK, comment number three. The key to making an opinion piece is to actually have something to say.
What the hell are you talking about? I'm sorry. I'm talking about the most important thing that ever happened to mankind, which is the fact that we are living in a matrix.
And if you didn't catch that, you might be an agent, OK? You might be an agent. You might be a program.
I'm sorry. I'm trying to warn everyone about the dangers of, you know, from the future, smarter ropes, harder, smarter robots coming to get us in and seduce you and stuff. So, yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry that it didn't come across. I'll try it again differently next time. Fourth comment we're doing.
This guy sounds like the kind of guy who is more likely to idolize Vin Diesel. OK, that is an interesting comment because it's freaking true. It's freaking true.
I do idolize Vin Diesel. Most of my life is spent. People think I'm Dom Toretto. When they look at me, I've been people have called me Dom Toretto growing up because they have sort of like thought that I'm him. I do idolize Dom Toretto because he's the greatest action star ever known to man. So, yeah, this guy kind of seems like the guy that's more likely to idolize Vin Diesel because he is. I am that type of guy.
The fifth comment that we're doing is this isn't a video about the matrix. This video is about the antics of an incel who just happens to like the matrix. I don't know what that means, but I'm going to look it up. Incel can't be right.
It's just like me. This is hilarious. So who would be who would be like this? This is so well. OK, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. This is the sixth comment we're doing. I saw this and out of fear broke my phone so it can't take over me. Respect. I think that's a good call.
Any time that I get scared, I break my phone. As you can see, there is a my phone is broken right now. I get scared. I break my phone.
Be so robots can't come and get me. And I respect you. And I'm glad that you share that with me and being open and vulnerable. The seventh comment that we're doing is probably the most hilarious one, which is books ain't boring, laughing face, laughing face, laughing face emojis. Yeah, sorry to break it to you.
Books are boring as hell. Why would you read a book when you could watch an amazing freaking awesome movie? There are amazing movies coming out every week of your life. New Transformers, New Fast and Furious, New Mission Impossible. Like create movies like that. And you're going to be stuck inside reading books like the only books that I know of are Harry Potter, Hunger Games and freaking Divergent or whatever. Like if that's all the books have to offer. Sorry, I'm not interested. I'd rather watch a crazy ass, amazing movie that I can watch in 3D and like you get my freaking mind blown by stuff spurting out of me on the seats, like like water and stuff in a crazy, immersive experience. I'm sorry, I can't do that with the book.
All right, everyone. This has been Steven Spielberg from reviewing the comments on your your comments on The Matrix video. And until next time. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Biden_Intervenes_in_Israel_Mushroom_Heaters_Return_High_rise_Resident_Sits_Tight_More_May_21 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin you're joined by myself Clancy Overall editor-at-large Errol Parker Errol how are you?
I'm alright mate how you going? Good good good good I'm alright vaccine skepticism is growing around the country though that's a concern might actually. Well it's just research. Well it's a research into the comments made by our Prime Minister which undermined vaccines because he didn't have enough of them and he wanted to slow down the roll out theory you know that a lot of people in this part of the world are also subscribing to. How about yourself Wendell? Fighting fit ready to go looking forward to ripping in an interesting theory you've got there Clancy I think there is a lot of distrust around our politicians particularly Well mate I don't think you'll be feeling as fresh and healthy as you are if you go and get that you know. Okay let's move on what's up first of the news? We'll go global for our first story the headline reads as a direct quote from US President Joe Biden.
He called Benjamin Netanyahu and said please don't use the $735 million worth of precision guided weapons we sold you two weeks ago. Yes Joe Biden has tried to do his bit to break a peace in the Middle East between Palestine and Israel and he asked Israel not to use the near billion dollars worth of missiles and bombs the US sold to him about a fortnight ago. That's right he rang up his Israeli counterpart Benjamin Netanyahu and said quote another's precision guided weapons are fun as hell to play with but can you just woo up a bit? It's not known at this point whether or not those words sunk in for the Israeli president but there has been an agreement to lay down the arms for a couple of days so maybe that phone call got it over the line at least those weapons got a bit of use though. Well it might have been that or it might be the dozen or so online petitions that have been circulating around this country calling for a ceasefire.
Yes I heard Netanyahu read all of them back on Aussie soil now and Brisbane residents have fired up the mushroom heaters as temperatures dip below 25. Yes the cold snaps here in Queensland it's been felt down on the banks of the Brown Snake with temperatures plummeting below 25 degrees which as we know in a city made up of unsealed timber houses it's pretty bloody cold. Yeah the mushroom heaters are out the Kathmandu jackets are on and the puffer vests have been hauled out from the bottom of the cupboard and one quote which really sums up just how cold it is in Brisbane right now he said to our reporter quick get to the nearest heater or you'll freeze to death.
From the Brown Snake down to the harbour capital and a heavily mortgaged Sydney high-rise resident has revealed she's just going to ignore the cracking sounds for now. Yes another week and another high-rise building in Sydney has made headlines for structural issues. We spoke to a local who lives in one of these skyboxes down there and she explained to us that unfortunately she doesn't have any other choice but to put up with the cracking and the leaking. I suppose if you live under the flight path you don't even notice either. Yeah Sydney well it is a massive shithole and this poor lady she bought it at the peak of Sydney's apartment boom and she says she's got nearly a million dollars to pay off her mortgage and selling obviously now is not an option so unless lawyers miraculously find a way to sue the developers who have collapsed the business used to construct her building it's just uh sit tight and have the best.
Wasn't getting a lot of sympathy from Adam Ewart in the comments section who said don't be silly those 10 millimeter gaps in the corner some plaster work are both functional and aesthetic. I personally find the hollow whistle as the cool air passes through quite soothing.
Some news from the education sector and our local university has begged for corporate welfare instead of trying to fix their broken business model. Yes rather than better cater to local students and provide value for money education the people at South Batuta Polytechnic's Chancellor Gary Ridgway is calling on the Education Minister Daniel T Han to give him millions of dollars to sustain the university until they can go back to ripping off the burgeoning Chinese middle class. He said for years and years we were printing money and operating at such a giant profit rather than investing it properly we simply kept building new buildings to attract more international students and now we've done our ass so please Mr T Han help me help me keep my job and write me a cheque.
Haven't got a response from Dan T Han on that one just yet. In some other local news and the last friend still talking about crypto has finally conceded that the dream may be over. Yes thanks to Elon the shady Safa and the Chinese government his dreams of retiring and living a life of luxury have been shattered along with the cryptocurrency market this week. Yes there'll be no Lamborghini there'll be no beach house no weekend getaways in the private jet all models to occupy the golf streams plush leather seats not for local crypto bro Danny Madigan anyway it's all over sorry mate go back to playing Pokemon Go. A sad note to finish a bulletin on but that is all we have time for today thanks for your company have a great weekend. Hooroo and free West Papua. And do your own research into these. Rather than investing it properly we simply kept building new buildings to attract more international students and now we've done our ass so please Mr T Han help me help me keep my job and write me a cheque. Haven't got a response from Dan T Han on that one just yet. In some other local news and the last friend still talking about crypto has finally conceded that the dream may be over. Yes thanks to Elon the shady Safa and the Chinese government his dreams of retiring and living a life of luxury have been shattered along with the cryptocurrency market this week. Yes there'll be no Lamborghini there'll be no beach house no weekend getaways in the private jet all models to occupy the golf streams plush leather seats not for local crypto bro Danny Madigan anyway it's all over sorry mate go back to playing Pokemon Go. A sad note to finish a bulletin on but that is all we have time for today thanks for your company have a great weekend. Hooroo and free West Papua.
And do your own research into these. You. |
cracked | bernie_s_medicare_for_all_ted_cruz_s_porno_free_for_all_some_news | Here's some news, wacky, ridiculous idea-haver Bernie Sanders has introduced an impractical Medicare for All bill with nobody on board, but oh, 16 popular senators, cool. The bill likely won't pass, but it would cost trillions of dollars for the sake of, oh, everyone's healthy. And it would largely tax the extremely wealthy in order to keep people alive, cool. David Merritt, executive vice president of America's health insurance plans, said of the bill, whether it's called single payer or Medicare for All, government controlled health care cannot work. It will eliminate choice, undermine quality, put a chill on medical innovation, and place an even heavier burden on hardworking taxpayers. When asked who gives a c*** and god d*** what you f***ing think dip s***, the head of insurance lobbyists responded by saying, oh, right, my opinion on single payer health care is like asking Godzilla what she thinks of missiles or asking the president what he thinks of releasing his taxes. Not only is the executive vice president of America's health insurance plans the wrong person to ask about this, but he's also wrong about it. Most people pay more now for health care than the amount their taxes would go up in Crazy Bernie's nutty bill, so Medicare for All would save most of us money.
Cool. The United States spends the most on health care of any other developed country, but is 27th in life expectancy, also the fourth highest infant mortality rate, sixth highest maternal mortality rate, and the ninth highest likelihood of dying at a younger age from things like cancer and cardiovascular disease. When asked for comment and cardiovascular disease responded, whether it's called coronary artery bypass grafting or percutaneous coronary intervention, treating heart disease cannot work. It will help eliminate cardiovascular disease. And then it just sort of trails off to count its money or like its artery plaque build up or whatever.
Many, of course, are turned off by the very idea of everybody chipping in to pay for everybody's health care. Former presidential candidate Evan McMullen asked on Twitter, when the populists of the far left rise on the promise of free college and single choice health care for all, who will stand for liberty? The answer, of course, is all of the healthy and educated people. Evan? Everybody.
Even the White House got to weigh in on the bill when press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded that, I can't think of anything worse than having government more involved in your health care, to which nobody for some reason shouted, but your dad's Mike Huckabee. Also, nobody said that something worse than the government getting more involved in health care is that the United States spends the most on health care of any developed country and is 27th in life expectancy. And so are all that stuff I said. The bill won't pass because Congress is ghouls. But hey, you know, baby steps. But not American baby steps because they have the fourth highest infant mortality rate.
And hey, speaking of Sarah Huckabee Sanders saying words for people to hear, in a recent press conference she said of ESPN's journalist Jamel Hill's tweet calling President Donald Trump a white supremacist, I think that's one of the more outrageous comments that anyone could make, and certainly something that I think is a fireable offense by ESPN. The White House advocating for the firing of citizens for criticizing the president isn't new, it's very new. Unless you count that one time when former President Barack Obama's press secretary said that NBC should fire the host of their show, The Apprentice, for the incessant perpetuation of his racist birtherism. Do you have a clip? Why not? On the same day Huckabee Sanders said calling Trump a white supremacist is a fireable offense, the White House skirted a question about whether or not Trump would sign a unanimous joint congressional resolution condemning white supremacists. So probably nothing there.
But hey, speaking of ESPN, sports. And speaking of sports, here's a new segment we like to call some sports, about which I know quite a bit, and in which I participate quite well. Here's some news. The NFL, a nefarious cadre of greedy old white men putting on a 16 week campaign of literally mind altering physical violence funded by the voting public, finally returned this week.
Hell yeah. Miss that grid iron. Grid iron? There's your problem. Make it like rubber. Safer, you know? Grid iron means football field. I already knew that. I was doing a bit? OK.
As part of their ongoing commitment to erode our sense of cognitive dissonance, Sunday Night Football heavily featured alleged domestic abuser Ezekiel Elliott, whose first documented abuse allegation was in February of 2016, with subsequent incidents extending all the way to November of last year, and whose suspension was lifted just in time for week one. Thank God. Can't have Cowboys V Giants without Zeke. In other news, Colin Kaepernick, former Super Bowl starting quarterback and current perfectly serviceable professional quarterback, is still inexplicably unemployed, leading some to believe that his 2016 refusal to stand for the national anthem until racial injustice in America was satisfactorily addressed has led to his purposeful exclusion by the owners, which is collusion and not going to stop people from protesting and rejecting exactly the kind of freedom the Star Spangled Banner celebrates. This just in, Josh McCown, Scott Tolzine, Tom Savage, and Trevor Simeon all got paid money to play quarterback last week. Josh McCown? All right. Still, great to see Zeke. I have him in fantasy.
And now, since I'm both condemning football and participating in fantasy football, it's time for Hippo Corner. Corner Crit. Hippo Crit Corner.
Ted Cruz's personal Twitter account liked some sweet, sweet stepmom porn on 9-11. And before we continue, just going to enjoy that. The like, of course, came from a man who supported a law banning sex toys because he says that one should not stimulate one's own genitalia without another person present for reproductive purposes. Kind of hypocritical, Ted. It's like a Rush Limbaugh told all of his listeners that Hurricane Irma is a hoax from the liberal media to advance the climate change agenda and up water bottle sales and then immediately evacuated his Florida home, which was in Irma's hurricane route. It'd be like that because that happened, and so did this. But Cruz dismissed the irony and said he believes that consenting adults can do whatever they want behind closed doors, except be married and gay at the same time. Cruz denies that the like came from him and says it was a staffing error because it's much more believable that a millennial age social media staffer got confused and went to a porn Twitter page and liked a porn video of a woman who looked like Ted Cruz's wife than it is that an out of touch, sexually repressed, and sexually repressing man checked out a porn Twitter page and in his frenzy of shame wanking, accidentally hit like or didn't think people could see that he hit like on a video of a woman who looks like his wife masturbating to her stepdaughter getting fucked by her stepdaughter's boyfriend on 9-11.
Ted, if you'd just been upfront about masturbating, if you'd said, I'm sorry for sex shaming everyone to a standard that I myself can't live by, we'd get it. Who cares that you jerk off? I've been jerking off this entire time.
Somehow. And if you had said, we as Americans need to carry on, even on this horrible day, and if that means doing normal things like masturbating, so be it. Let me lead the way. We would have understood. But instead, now you'll always just look back on this day and think, oof, man, that truly was my 9-11.
Speaking of what I was just talking about, James Woods criticized Armie Hammer's recent film Call Me By Your Name because he said it, quote, quietly chips away the last barriers of decency. Hashtag nambla. Cool hashtag. Hip, uh, dude.
James was criticizing the film because it's about a 24-year-old male character and a 17-year-old male character who have a romantic and physical relationship. And one can definitely argue that that is an uncomfortable age difference. And oh, wait, James Woods dated a 19-year-old when he was 60 and a 20-year-old when he was 66.
Special thanks to Hammer for armying him. Ah, fuck that up. Special thanks to Armie for hammering him. Yeah. And special ew to James for hammering that 19-year-old when he was 60.
Barriers of decency. But to be fair, even though 19 is still immature, one could say that 19 is very different than 17.
And oh, wait, Amber Tamblin mentioned at the time, quote, James Woods tried to pick me and my friend up at a restaurant once. He wanted to take us to Vegas. I'm 16, I said. Even better, he said. James denied this happened, and Amber wrote an open letter to him saying, fuck you, yeah, it did. Later that day, he retweeted the Cincinnati Zoo's one-year-old giraffe, adding, just look at the sheer beauty of this creature. Even better, right, James? Obviously, he doesn't want to fuck that giraffe, but like, come on, James, it's the same day.
Chill. This has been whatever we called that. Speaking of actors, movies. And speaking of movies, this. The summer movie season drew to a close last week with a report card best exemplified by two of the summer's most beloved movie characters, a cartoonish mountain of shit and a talking coop emoji. No, that's switching. Yeah, I understand why you're confused.
This past summer was the movie industry's worst since 2006, which, for reference, was the year the Miami Vice movie came out. Box office receipts were 15% lower than last year, signaling a decline in the number of people who were interested in going to see movies in the theater. Movie studios wasted no time in pointing their cigar-stained fat cat paws at Rotten Tomatoes as being responsible for the lackluster performance of several tentpole films this summer, including Baywatch, Pirates of the Caribbean part five, Transformers part five, and Tom Cruise's The Mummy, a film in which Tom Cruise is nearly twice as old as the person playing The Mummy. Blaming the failure of your film on a website that reported whether or not people liked it is like blaming the computer that tallied up all your wrong answers for why you bombed the SATs. Just stop making shitty movies.
People don't hate big blockbuster films, my dudes. We're not against superhero movies or reboots or sequels or movies that are all of those things. And people will still go see a movie if they're interested in it, even when most critics consider it to be the cinematic equivalent of crib death.
We do, after all, have the fourth highest infant mortality rate.
But it's fucking expensive to go to the movies in 2017. You gotta give people a good reason to drop that cash, bruh. Tell a fun, interesting story that wasn't written by nine people, or show us something we haven't seen before. Nobody needed to wait for a Rotten Tomatoes score to know that two reboots of long dormant franchises starring a pair of polarizing retirement age movie stars wasn't worth dropping 60 bucks on. You could spend that money on so many other things that aren't those two dip shits, or cartoon faces people text to each other instead of typing actual words. A movie Sony knew was so bad that they placed a review embargo on it that forbid anyone from publishing a review until literally hours before it's first showing. Just stop making bad movies, and then you can blame Rotten Tomatoes for all the money you make from your good movies.
Here's some news. There was a school shooting in Spokane, Washington, and there's ethnic cleansing in Myanmar, and no jokes about that.
Just thought we should end this episode on a low note. We did a, that was a bad idea. It's sad.
Hey everybody, thanks for watching that video. If you wanna subscribe to our channel, click the big C in the middle, and if you wanna get notifications when we have new videos, click the bell icon. Also click like, and comment, and do all the things that you know what to do because it's not your first day on YouTube. It's your second day. |
TheOnion | It_Easy_To_Tell_What_Area_Man_Will_Look_Like_As_Skeleton | Prince William and Kate Middleton celebrate their one-year anniversary by forcing humiliated servants to disrobe and kiss each other. A local man has had more than enough beach, and the deep, inherent sadness of a favorite bar is overlooked. The APA calls what you're about to watch the deluded rantings of a Class B narcissist. Others simply refer to it as this week's Onion Week in Review. According to friends, colleagues, and complete strangers, anxiety-ridden man Timothy Gibula is rightly ashamed of every single thing he does, with mere acquaintances saying they're constantly judging Gibula at every moment, just as he suspects. Tim's the kind of guy who's forever second-guessing his behavior, as if everyone's constantly scrutinizing him, and he's completely correct. We all are. We can spend entire afternoons picking apart Tim's taste in clothing and his receding hairline. It's honestly all we do when he's not around. Any time he awkwardly says excuse me when he's waiting in line for milk or sugar, any time he fails to make eye contact with me when he asks me for the wifi password, not only do I notice these things, but I use them to judge him fundamentally as a human being.
A three-alarm fire that tore through a family home in Newark, Delaware early Saturday morning tragically claimed a half-sleeve of Oreo cookies that were trapped inside a cupboard. At the time of the blaze, the residence was occupied by Mike and Sheila Donlon, their three young children, and sadly, six delicious chocolate sandwich cookies, all half-dozen of which perished in the intense heat and towering flames. When contacted for questioning, an extremely distraught Mike Donlon, who was found on his front lawn clutching a picture of his family, was unable to confirm whether the lost cookies were of the original variety or double stuff.
A study published Friday by the University of Minnesota found that mosquitoes have no physiological reason for biting humans, with researchers noting that the insects feed exclusively on pollen and seemingly only suck human blood out of spite. According to our findings, mosquitoes usually spit out the blood after a bite. They just really enjoy ruining outdoor activities and spreading deadly diseases. Researchers added that mosquitoes often bite a variety of vertebrates besides humans, including baby pandas, koala bears, and very small puppies, all for fun.
And in tech news, a new Visa talking credit card urges buyers to go for it. Come on, buy it. You know you want it. In other news, the utterance of a secret password grants customers access to a long-rumored 18-inch Subway sandwich. It's easy to tell what an area man would look like as a skeleton, and a longtime teacher retires without changing a single student's life. This week's scheduled interview with the surly and forlorn Matthew Modine was cut for time and is doomed to never be seen. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Wes_Ball_director_of_KINGDOM_OF_THE_PLANET_OF_THE_APES_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Hello and welcome and greetings from me, AlexiTolliopolis, the host of the program you've just tuned into the last video store. And thank you for celebrating cinema with me here on this day. We're coming to you a little early this week with a bonus episode. Yes, a bite-sized morsel of cinematic discussion is hitting your ears and eyes right now.
And, if you know anything about me and my love for film, you'll know that I have a deep love for the Planet of the Apes franchise. I have for my entire life since I saw that original Franklin J. Schaffner 1968 classic, when I was just a wee lad bouncing on my papoose knee watching a wickedly weird science fiction classic that I had no knowledge of going in. So there were all those rich secrets and speculative fictions being washed upon me like the shores of an unnamed place on an unnamed planet. And I will not spoil those for you, just in case you have also never seen Planet of the Apes. So you know I love those films. I'm even sitting in front of a pair of like art prints of that original film, an escape from Planet of the Apes, the third sequel in that franchise that is a bleak, weird masterpiece that inverts the fish-out-of-the-water context of the original film.
So I mean, you know, I just love them. I love them.
I could talk for minutes and minutes and minutes and minutes, but I'm gonna cut to the chase. This week a new film in that franchise is released in cinemas on May 9th. I'm, of course, speaking about Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes that picks up hundreds of years and generations after the conclusion of the last trilogy of films, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, and War for the Planet of the Apes. So I made it my mission to sit down and have a quick chat, a tete-a-tete with the director of that film, Wes Ball. Wes Ball made his bones as a filmmaker, as a director, with the surprise hits, the Maze Runner films that popped up and stood out in that YA dystopian cycle many, many years ago. And he's got a background in SFX and graphics, so who better to continue on building big blockbusters in the Planet of the Apes franchise than Wes Ball. So here we go. Let's get into our chat with Wes. About his film, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes.
The first thing I want to ask you about is when it comes to casting, so much of casting is about the look of the actor or the attitude they capture. But when it comes to casting ape actors, what are you looking for?
That's interesting. You're right.
We aren't casting for physical appearance, right? Casting for me has always been kind of an instinct level thing, you know? It's like, I can usually tell pretty quickly when that actor walks in the room, it's like, oh, they just have this thing about them that reminds me of the character that we have, I've had in my mind now for the last two years or whatever it is. And that's the case on this movie. You know, we just cast people that regardless of how old they were or, you know, what they look like, they could just be the character that they needed to portray, right?
And so we were lucky in that regard. We found great people that happen to be really nice people, very devoted and professional people, but also they just kind of inhabited the characters that we needed to create here, you know? And can I ask as well, like this, I think a tough thing that you have with this film is, you know, with this premise, it's set hundreds of years after the last trilogy of films. So where, how did you go about finding the level of articulateness that the apes can have for their communication, their language skills now, because, you know, they're truly, we're in the Planet of the Apes now. It's just like we're in that world and they're leading the film entirely. How did you go about finding that, how articulate they should be to carry a film? Yeah, honestly, we spent a lot of time thinking about that, you know what I mean?
And if you go back and you look at that last trilogy, you know, in the first movie, Caesar says a word and maybe a little sentence at the end. In the second movie, he says a few more things, but it's very hard to get out. And in the last movie, Caesar's talking quite a bit, including, remember that gorilla, the gorilla that was a traitor? He's full on sentence too, you know? And so in our sights when we made this movie, you know, we had the Caesar trilogy, you know, behind us that we wanted to stay connected to, but we also had that 68 movie, the original movie that we're heading towards where they're full on talking, you know, and they're full on walking upright, you know what I mean?
So we wanted to just kind of like, just slowly, not totally, but just slowly start kind of etch, you know, etching our way closer to that version of things. So, you know, we still tried to find and, you know, and it's funny that when you watch the movie without the apes, you know, we had a lot of people say, they're talking so funny. Why aren't they talking like regular humans? You know what I mean? Because they're talking like this a bit, and they still have some kind of cadence that's a little odd. But as soon as you put the ape in there, suddenly now it's like, oh, they're talking to a human now. So I think we found the right sweet spot where it's like, it's just odd enough that it's sort of fantastical, but we're still trying, hopefully honoring the kind of the biological thing that is difficult to talk. And some apes are different than others, of course, you know.
Proximus, for instance, is talking to full on sentences. He's very eloquent, actually. He has contractions and all this kind of stuff. Whereas we didn't let any contractions or kind of colloquial kind of, you know, words kind of exist in the other ape characters, you know.
So it just kind of depends, but it just, it takes probably a few minutes to get used to it. But hopefully once you do, you just kind of go for the ride.
These apes are believable and real and they just are what they are, and you know, off the races, you know. I love something that you said, I just want to jump off that, where you talked about when people were seeing like the pre-visualized version of the film that they were wondering like, why aren't they speaking that way? I've heard that in the physical release of this, there will be a version of the film that does not have the apes and you have the actors in their mocap. Is that true?
And if it is, it seems like the perfect way for someone like you that has a background in visual effects to kind of show the work that goes in and the creativity and the artistry that goes into something like this. Yeah, I think it's going to be pretty awesome. I think it's going to kind of show people just the amount of work that goes into these movies. You know, I think it's crazy that Planet of the Apes movies have never won a visual effects Oscar. I think it's insane.
I'm not saying that's what this was about. I don't, I'm not a person who cares about awards really in that way. But I think there's a mystique and kind of mystery behind what VFX artists do. You know what I mean?
There's no button that says make ape or make look worse, make look better. It doesn't work that way.
This is real hard, you know, talented artists and storytellers, you know, crafting these images and this kind of this reality that would not be impossible otherwise, you know, so I think it's going to be a cool feature for people to see they're going to watch the final image and the raw dailies, you know, underneath that. So you can really look and see through it with your own eyes like, wow, that's exactly the same or oh, that's totally not the same at all. Oh, my gosh, this whole scene was full CG. I had no idea. There's 35 minutes of absolutely 100% full CG in the movie, you know, every blade of grass, every blowing leaf in the background on the tree, the bark, the bugs, the birds. It's all like, you know, created by artists.
And hopefully, you know, people don't even notice.
But I think it's pretty impressive for myself as like a geek, you know, kind of like an old frustrated VFX artist. I think it's going to be fun to like watch that magic trick. And I don't think it even, that peek behind the curtain, I don't think it even like takes away the magic. It actually shows you even more like how much magic's involved in a way.
So anyway, I think it's going to be a really great feature for people that care about those kinds of things. And it's never been done before and you'll be able to watch the entire movie to see what we have to work with, the choices we have to make, and what it looks like when you're editing a movie when it's a bunch of actors with cameras in front of their faces and dots all over. You know, it's wild, you know, it's really cool. I mean, as soon as I heard about it, my freaking eyes lit up. I can't wait to finally see something come alive that way. Yeah, it's going to be really cool. I think it won't be for everyone, of course, but I think a lot of people will get a kick out of it, you know. Well, it's for me, so I'm excited.
You filmed this film in Australia. Can you talk to me about like what were the visual aesthetics that you found like most engrossing about filming in our landscape here? Yeah, I mean, they were shot in and around Sydney. All kind of all over, but in and around Sydney. We were based in Sydney there, which was great. I love being there.
You know, there's a history to these movies, at least the originals, the 68 originals, that they were shot in and around Malibu. Malibu Canyon and Malibu Beach and all that kind of stuff. So there's a look to that world, to those movies that a lot of eucalyptus trees, you know, a lot of certain type of sun, a certain type of scrub, you know, a certain type of mountains, you know.
And as we were working on this movie and this kind of overall idea of trying to like come up with something that felt new and fresh, we couldn't just go back to Vancouver again and do that same look, you know, the kind of, you know, overcast kind of dark grey, you know, love the look. It's fantastic, but we got to do something new. We got to change it up. And so we're going into the sunlight, you know, so I wanted to set the movie kind of in, if the previous movies were kind of in and around San Francisco and various, you know, areas and of course war, they kind of did some traveling, but I wanted to set it kind of Southern California basically. And so Sydney became a perfect look, a wild look of what maybe Southern California might look like.
And so that's kind of ultimately where that choice came from. And I think it works. If you watch this movie, sometimes it feels like it could have existed in that 1968 Charlton Heston version of the movie, you know. Yeah, it truly does. I mean, that's what really excited me about this film as well. And I think that pitch of jumping ahead like 300 years is so exciting. Did that feel completely freeing for you to like go, what we can do is endless? Yeah, to me that was the key idea, you know, like you said, it opens up so many more doors for opportunities for story, for character, for interpretation, you know, but at the same time, we were very conscious that we did not want to lose that Caesar storyline, that legacy that was left behind. And I think we found good ways to, you know, literally bringing that character into this movie in a really profound way. It's not just there to kind of, you know, wink, wink, nod, nod, nudge, nudge kind of thing. It's like Caesar is a character in this movie that changes Noah as a character, you know what I mean? So we tried to be standing on our own two feet, but still kind of honor and respect kind of what came before, you know. That's so beautifully put, man. I appreciate that a lot.
I guess before we kind of start wrapping things up, I, the podcast that I host and the show that I host is all about like evoking that kind of nostalgia for film discovery that one had back in the day, exploring the video store. Do you have any video store memories that kind of bring about that feeling for you? That's weird.
You know, I grew up in a really small town. There were no video stores where I grew up. So I didn't have a theater close to me. It was an hour away. So most of my young pre-able to drive myself to these places age. I grew up on watching satellite and HBO and VHS.
You know what I mean? So, and in those cases, my memories are mostly about watching the same thing over and over and over and over again until the tapes wore out. You know what I mean? It wasn't until like later when I kind of got into high school and college that I really had those kind of moments of oh my God. And that was like The Matrix, for instance. You know, it was like I went into that cold. You know, it was kind of almost pre-internet before they spoiled everything in the trailers. You know what I mean? And you just go and show up and you have your mind blown of what's possible. You know what I mean?
And yeah, I love that about movies. And you know, I hope there's someone out there that didn't watch every one of our trailers and got to withhold some of these ideas and discoveries that we have in the movies so they can have a really interesting experience, you know. Well, I'm sure there is.
Well, that's such a great answer, man. Thank you so much for chatting to me today. I really appreciate it. Good luck and congratulations. I can't wait to see what you do next. Nice talking to you, dude. My thanks to Wes Ball for jumping into a little Zoom chat with me to talk about his new film, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes that is in cinemas this week on the 9th of May. And also my thanks to Disney Australia for setting up this chat. My gratefulness is appreciated towards you.
I recommend go see it on a big-ass screen, especially if you love those apes, chimps, gorillas, orangutans, ants. I actually don't know if there's monkeys in this one, but all of those are in there, including a few human beings and birds and stuff.
I can't wait to see what happens next for this film franchise. And I can't wait to see what happens next for the franchise that I am hosting right now, The Last Video Store. We're coming back to you this week with another episode.
Joining me for another new release film, we have got hopping into The Last Video Store, filmmaker Goran Stilevski, whose film of an age is one of my favorite Australian films in frickin' decades, man. I think he's such a genius filmmaker. And his new film, Housekeeping for Beginners, also comes out on Thursday, the 9th of May in Australia. I love Goran's films. It's my second time interviewing him, but my first time proper hanging out and just talking about films that we both love together. So he's jumping into The Last Video Store this Thursday and talking about his new release favorite, his two weeklies. And I've got a mighty task of recommending Goran a film that he's never seen. And I'll say this, if I'm a level 100 cinephile, Goran Stilevski is maybe a level 1000 cinephile.
So we'll see how we go with that. We'll see how we go with that. But we'll see you then.
Until next time, thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Please subscribe to us on your iTunes, your Spotifys, your YouTubes at the Batutah Advocate YouTube channel to get full episodes of this show. Then give us a five star review on that platform of choice. Engage with me, engage with the show. Pop in what your rental combo would be and I'm gonna get to it and I'll give you your customized bespoke staff pic recommendation based on your taste. Until then, I'm Vida Sain and monkey see monkey do and I monkey do love movies.
But still kind of honor and respect kind of what came before, you know. That's so beautifully put, man. I appreciate that a lot.
I guess before we kind of start wrapping things up, the podcast that I host and the show that I host is all about like evoking that kind of nostalgia for film discovery that one had back in the day exploring the video store. Do you have any video store memories that kind of bring about that feeling for you? That's weird.
I grew up in a really small town. There were no video stores where I grew up. So I didn't have a theater close to me. It was an hour away. So most of my young pre-able to drive myself to these places age, I grew up on watching satellite, HBO, and VHS.
You know what I mean? So and in those cases, my memories are mostly about watching the same thing over and over and over and over again until the tapes wore out. You know what I mean? It wasn't until like later when I kind of got into high school and college that I really had those kind of moments of, oh my God. And that was like The Matrix for instance. You know, it was like I went into that cold. You know, it was kind of almost pre-internet before they spoiled everything in the trailers. You know what I mean? And you just go and show up and you have your mind blown of what's possible. You know what I mean?
And yeah, I love that about movies. And you know, I hope there's someone out there that didn't watch every one of our trailers and got to withhold some of these ideas and discoveries that we have in the movies so they can have a really interesting experience, you know? Well, I'm sure there is.
Well, that's such a great answer, man. Thank you so much for chatting to me today. I really appreciate it. Good luck and congratulations. I can't wait to see what you do next. Nice talking with you, dude. My thanks to Wes Ball for jumping into a little Zoom chat with me to talk about his new film, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes that is in cinemas this week on the 9th of May. And also my thanks to Disney Australia for setting up this chat. My gratefulness is appreciated towards you.
I recommend go see it on a big-ass screen, especially if you love those apes, chimps, gorillas, orangutans, ands. I actually don't know if there's monkeys in this one, but all of those are in there, including a few human beings and birds and stuff.
I can't wait to see what happens next for this film franchise. And I can't wait to see what happens next for the franchise that I am hosting right now, The Last Video Store. We're coming back to you this week with another episode.
Joining me for another new release film, we have got, hopping into The Last Video Store, filmmaker Goran Stilevsky, whose film of an age is one of my favorite Australian films in frickin' decades, man. I think he's such a genius filmmaker. And his new film, Housekeeping for Beginners, also comes out on Thursday, the 9th of May in Australia. I love Goran's films. It's my second time interviewing him, but my first time proper hanging out and just talking about films that we both love together. So he's jumping into The Last Video Store this Thursday and talking about his new release favorite, his two weeklies, and I've got a mighty task of recommending Goran a film that he's never seen. And I'll say this, if I'm a level 100 cinephile, Goran Stilevsky is maybe a level 1000 cinephile, so we'll see how we go with that.
We'll see how we go with that. But we'll see you then. Until next time, thanks for listening. Thanks for watching.
Please subscribe to us on your iTunes, your Spotifys, your YouTubes at the Petuda Advocate YouTube channel to get full episodes of this show. Then give us a five star review on that platform of choice. Engage with me, engage with the show. Pop in what your rental combo would be and I'm gonna get to it and I'll give you your customized bespoke staff pick recommendation based on your taste. Until then, Auf Wiedersehen and monkey see monkey do and I monkey do love movies. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_dr_shirley_j_thompson_obe | The Rolling Stones were huge in the 1960s. Would it be fair to say they were the Beatles of their day? Well, I thought they were contemporary, so there was always a jostle between the Stones and the Beatles. Right, but the Beatles were already the Elvis of their day, so there's a spur Beatles. Can we give that to the Rolling Stones even though they're happening at the same time? Well, I think people have their preferences between the style of the Beatles and the style of the Stones.
OK, so which of the Beatles of their day was best, Beatles I or Beatles II? I think Beatles I is the preferred, or Beatles I, the Beatles... Next question. Of all the bands of the 1960s, which ones was the Kinks?
Did Beethoven have an actual full-sized horse living inside his face? Sorry, I've misphrased that.
I mean, was Beethoven good at music? Yeah, I mean, he's considered to be the best composer of Western classical music ever. Beethoven wrote that song that goes... HE HUMS THEME HE HUMS THEME What do those lyrics mean? Um, well, it's a really strong orchestral motif.
It's just the word dumb over and over again. Is it a dig at his audience, or is it German for something?
With the Beethoven's symphonic music, it's all just instruments, so there are no words to these pieces at all. No lyrics? How are we supposed to know what it's about if it doesn't have lyrics? It's literally meaningless.
You have to play classical music on an orchestra. How do you play an orchestra? Do you blow into it, or is it one of those ones where you rub a stick on the strings? Yeah, so the orchestra is not one particular instrument. Yeah. So an orchestra is the coming together of lots of different types of instruments. Right, more than one instrument. More than one instrument. So you need both hands and your mouth to play an orchestra. Well, the conductor would need all of those things, but the orchestra itself is an entity that is made up of lots of different instruments. So you couldn't blow a whole orchestra.
Is it true that in the final years of his working life, Beethoven was dead? Well, he was deaf for most of his life.
Oh, dead? Dead? Yeah. No?
The producer wrote it in the notes. It's definitely here.
In his later years, Beethoven was profoundly dead. Profoundly deaf. D-E-A-F. Obviously, he went deaf when he died, but was he deaf when he was still alive?
Yes, he was, profoundly. Yeah, he was profoundly.
But not dead? He wasn't dead? He wasn't dead. When he was alive?
No, no, not. So how did you write the music when he was dead? Whenever you see medieval times, there's this sort of annoying hey, no, no, no music playing constantly.
Yeah, pretty much. You know, that music. You know, that sort of... HE PLAYS A TUNE Yeah. HE PLAYS A TUNE HE PLAYS A TUNE Yep. Yeah, there's a lot of that.
Where's that sound coming from? Couldn't they switch it off? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_marcello_hernandez_on_being_a_short_king_snl | It's April and that can only mean one thing. The celebration of Short Men that the internet has dubbed short King Spring here comment is our very own short king, Marcelo Hernando. Thanks for being here. So can you walk us through what it means to be a short King? Yeah, it's basically something women say as if it's a compliment, but it's kind of condescending. Short King. It's an insult followed by a compliment. you wouldn't call someone a snaggle-tooth genius. Well, if it helps, I never thought of you as a short man, and you're welcome for that. It's okay. Colin Cito.
I know I'm short. And you know how I know Because when I lie about my height, I say I'm five nine. Which means I'm really five seven and a half. And I'm lying about the half. What height do you say, Colin? Well, I'm six feet. Oh, so you're five nine. No, I'm six feet. No, if you were six feet, you would say six Two. I'm exactly six feet.
Okay, then let's stand back-to-back. I don't want to do that. interesting. Short Kings like us should be Proud Heritage, You know. we come from a long line of greats. Kevin Hart, Bruno Mars, Prince, The Minions, Al Pacino. I'm sorry. I'm just thinking out loud here.
Mark Wahlberg, Jack Black, Yoda, Tom Holland, Lil Wayne. it's right there in the name Martin Short. Again, it's right there in the name. Missy, Pablo, Picasso, John it was. I'm on Danny Davido Beethoven the composer was five six and the dog was even shorter.
It's great to know. Yeah. thank you. I think I think we get it. Yeah. yeah.
Now let's think of some tall guys. Hmm. Oh, some up in Lot in his Six Four Slenderman 610 Army Hammer Seven Three. Army Camera is not seven foot three.
Okay. sorry. I forgot you two were friends.
We're friendly, You know, you know the worst thing about tall men is when they say hello to us petite princes, they go too low and they use a baby voice, you know, they go like hey, bud everything go down there and then when they don't talking to you, they never say this but it always feels like they say it and they don't say it. But it does feel like they say it when they're talking they go. All right, I gotta go back up. What I'm trying to say is us tiny titans then stand back to back with me. No, okay. well, look short kings. we weren't born kings. we've become kings.
We've done the work. we learned how to dance. not because we wanted to, but because we had to. Tall guys like Michael Che. They don't got to learn how to dance. they just stand in the back of the party like. So meanwhile you and me are down there on the dance floor working college and not because we want to, but because we had to.
Again, I'm six feet tall. Yeah, you're a tower Anyway, for all my short kings watching at home. Stay strong, live large, and be proud of a tiny little person that you are. So let's show them calling, stand up, and go back to back with me for the last time. I can't do that. why not? Because Marcelo, I'm already standing in to be a short king.
Yeah, it's basically something women say as if it's a compliment, but it's kind of condescending. Short King: It's an insult followed by a compliment. you wouldn't call someone a snaggle-tooth genius. Well, if it helps, I never thought of you as a short man and you're welcome for that. It's okay. Calling seat though.
I know I'm short. and you know how I know cuz when I lie about my height, I say I'm five nine. Which means I'm really five seven and a half. and I'm lying about the half. What height do you say, Colin? Well, I'm six feet. Oh, so you're Five Nine. I know I'm six feet. No, if you were six feet, you would say six, too. I'm exactly six feet. Okay, then let's stand back to back.
I don't want to do that. interesting.
Short kings like us should be proud of our heritage, You know, we come from a long line of greats. Kevin Hart, Bruno Mars, Prince, The Minions, Al Pacino, sorry, I'm just thinking out loud here. Mark Wahlberg, Jack Black, Yoda, Tom Holland, Lil Wayne. it's right there in the name. Martin Short Again. it's right there in the name. Beethoven. the composer was five six and the dog was even shorter.
It's great to know. Yeah. thank you. I think I think we get it. Yeah. yeah.
Now let's think of some tall guys. Hmm. Oh some up in Lot in his six Four Slender Man Six Ten Army Hammer Seven three. Army Camera is not seven foot three.
Okay. sorry. I forgot you two were friends. We're friendly.
You know the worst thing about tall men is when they say hello to us petite princes, they go too low and they use a baby voice, you know, they go like hey, Bud everything go down there and then when they don't talking to you, they never say this but it always feels like they say it and they don't say it. But it does feel like they say it. When they're done talking, they go.
All right, I gotta go back up on what I'm trying to say is us tiny titans Then stand back to back with me. No, okay. well look short kings. we weren't born kings. we've become kings. We've done the work. we learned how to dance. not because we wanted to, but because we had to. Tall guys like Michael Che. They don't got to learn how to dance. they just stand in the back of the party like So meanwhile you and me are down there on the dance floor working. Call it and not because we want to, but because we had to Again Again, I'm six feet tall. Yeah, you're a tower. Anyhoo, for all my short kings watching at home, stay strong, live large, and be proud of a tiny little person that you are. So let's show them calling, stand up and go back to back with me for the last time.
I can't do that. Why not? Because Marcelo, I'm already standing. You. |
CrackerMilk | how_australian_cops_legally_steal | Hey, do you know why I pulled you over today? Uh, no. Swerving all over the road. Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't think I was. Have you taken any drugs today?
What? Yeah, I'm getting a strong whiff of drugs on that what seems to be a drug selling device. You mean my kids Nintendo Switch? This is a Nintendo Switch. Yeah, I'm going to have to seize this for evidence. Do you have any games that smell like drugs that I can seize? No.
She's got a weapon! She's got a weapon on me!
Are you talking about my lipstick? Yeah, I'm going to have to seize that for evidence. Can I please speak to your supervisor? Supervisor? Is there a problem? This guy keeps taking all of my stuff and calling it evidence?
Really? Yes! Really?
Look, you've taken everything I have on me, okay? Can I just go? This car smells like it's made of drugs. Woohoo! Oh, me and drugs. The boys, after a good shift, we like to, um, shelve.
Oh yeah? Oh yeah, same. What's shelving? That's fun. I know what it is as well, but... What is it? We, well... I don't know what it is. What?
Yeah, I'm getting a strong whiff of drugs on that what seems to be a drug selling device. You mean my kids Nintendo Switch? This is a Nintendo Switch. Yeah, I'm gonna have to seize this for evidence. Do you have any games that smell like drugs that I can seize? No.
She's got a weapon! She's got a weapon on me!
Are you talking about my lipstick? Yeah, I'm gonna have to seize that for evidence. Can I please speak to your supervisor? Supervisor? Is there a problem? This guy keeps taking all of my stuff and calling it evidence?
Really? Yes! Really?
Look, you've taken everything I have on me, okay? Can I just go? This car smells like it's made of drugs. Oh, me and drugs.
The boys after a good shift, we like to, um, shelve? Oh yeah? Oh yeah, same. What's shelving? That's fun. I know what it is as well, but... What is it? We, well... I don't know what it is. |
cracked | so_you_want_to_be_indiana_jones | Hi, I'm Alex Schmidt. So, you want to be Indiana Jones. Welcome to So You Want to Be, the show about what it takes to have the fictional careers you daydream about. I'm your YouTube-based career counselor, here to walk you through what to do from birth to now in order to be Indiana Jones, the bad boy of archaeology, or the good boy of grave robbing. It's fuzzy. What's not fuzzy is what you need to do to literally be Indiana Jones.
And good news, he's based on real people. Indirectly. Anyway, he's based on 1940s and 50s adventure stories, especially this Charlton Heston movie. And those movies are based on real-life adventuring scholars.
You got Dino Hunter, Roy Chapman Andrews, Ruins discoverer Percy Fawcett, and Crystal Skullfinder slash insane person F.A. Mitchell Hedges. They even based a whole Indiana Jones movie on that last guy. The arcs and I were obsessed with the Mitchell Hedges skull in college.
And I know that's the worst movie.
Stay with me. If you want to be Indiana Jones, you basically want to be a real guy, right? That's doable. How many things, in a numbered list of things, could you possibly have to do to reach the level of real guy? Thing number one, college. Go to college, like forever, because unlike Priceless Golden Idols, there is no substitute for an education. Anyway, get a PhD. The man's a college professor. Moving on.
Thing number two, be smarter than professors. Because India is a top professor of archaeology. We know that because multiple Ivy League schools compete for his services. And here's the thing about actual college professor jobs. They operate on a publish or perish system. Professors have to out-research their colleagues or get fired, which demands full-time effort. Isn't that right, Dr. Henry Jones, Jr.? You're a... a teacher? Part-time. Oh, so he's half-assing the most rigorous knowledge work on Earth and still winning the research race. That means Indiana Jones is smarter than the smartest college professors.
And you'll have to be that, too. Sorry, them's the rules.
And speaking of rules, there is no rule that says the rest of the world has to speak your language. Indiana Jones can adventure everywhere because he is a polyglot, which is a speaker of many languages. And despite your technological advantages, reaching Indy's level will take forever. Here's why.
This is famous real-life polyglot Benny Lewis. He uses strategies like online flashcards, dubbed versions of his favorite TV, and Skyping with native speakers to speed-teach himself languages. And he says you can learn a language in three months of focused study. That's fast. But Benny's only fluent in seven languages.
Based on this scene from the young Indiana Jones Chronicles, Indy is fluent in French, German, Italian, Hungarian, Swedish, modern Greek, ancient Greek, and Arabic. And in other movies, Indy speaks everything from Mandarin Chinese to Peruvian Quechua. He also reads everything from Latin to non-Western alphabets to ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs. So if I take it easy on you and I underestimate Indiana Jones's language skills, you'll still need to pick up, let's say, 20 languages.
And that minimum of three months to learn a language times 20 languages is a lot of flashcards. Flashcards are boring.
Moving on to thing number four, whip lessons. Heck yeah, violence. Okay. Good news, you slobs.
Unlike most action heroes, Indiana Jones is not a weapons expert. His gun skills are fine. His sword skills are guns.
You can probably already do that. But you're going to have to be world-class with one weapon, the bull whip. And here's more good news. Whips are so easy to use, a toddler can do it. That is a 20-month-old Australian boy cracking a whip. But hang on, that kid accidentally hits himself sometimes while training, which is normal with whips. You will too. And that hurts because here's the thing about whips.
It's the first man-made tool to break the sound barrier. That is Anthony DeLongis. He was Harrison Ford's whip trainer for Crystal Skull, and his whip lessons also draw on fencing training and draw on Bruce Lee. |
SaturdayNightLive | black_eyed_peas_snl | On a single day in 2008, three of the biggest pop songs of all time were recorded at Interscope Studios. And the never-before-seen footage from the session is finally being released. the label is so excited about the record. we can't wait to work on this new single with y'all. yeah, we know it's a work in progress, but let's hear what you got so far. Okay, hit the track. gotta get that. gotta get that. gotta get that. that. really good start. it's where I am. how it's sounding, but I think we might have to change the lyrics a little. What you mean? the lyrics are boom, boom, Boom. why would we change that? Producers are like leeches, and Art is blood to them. Well, those were actually the temp lyrics that we sent to describe the beat of the track. Yeah, you were supposed to replace them with your own lyrics, you know, like with words. producers are like leeches. no one understands our vision.
Boom, Boom, Boom is perfect. How about something like, I got that, boom, boom, pow.
Okay. what was your name again? Appa the app. of course. and how do you spell that? A-p-l, Appa the app.
Okay, okay. so we definitely have Boom, Boom, Boom, But let's expand. like, what's something that we have to get? like, for example, money or hot girls. Gotta get that. Gotta get that, that, that. just suffocating me.
Taboo, relax. let's think. where would the song be playing? maybe a nightclub or a poolside bar. Ooh, okay, I'm gonna riff on that idea. So how about something like, people in the place. Okay, Fergie, that is a great start.
But where would they actually be? the place. Okay. and who would be there? the people. uh-huh. But where is it that they would be going? to the place. where are they now? in the place. But who are you talking about? the people in the place.
Okay, let's move on. that was amazing, Fergie. you're a genius. Fergie, why don't we talk about your verse? I was thinking it would be cool if it was something like, I got that boom, boom, pow. them chickens jacking my style. they try to copy my swagger.
I'm only eight. you so 2,000 and they're late. Yes, that's amazing, but I wanted to be 3,008. okay, why? because it's bigger.
Fine, do you have any other notes? My house. Okay, thank you, Fergie. Okay, you know what? let's just do the next track. here's what it sounds like so far. Yeah, and we want the lyrics to be about the concept of Tonight. So let's start by brainstorming answers to the question,: how's tonight gonna be? Okay, I'm thinking something like, tonight's gonna be a good night. that's amazing, Will. I am. What else? Okay, now everyone yell a refrain together, something that feels true to who you are as a group. Great idea. Mazel Tov, the line. Yes! Now I'm gonna go down the line. everyone, just say one example of something you're gonna do tonight. Are you ready?
Let's do it. let's do it. let's do it. Let's do it. And do it.
Yeah, yeah, either this one or that other one, what's it gonna be called again? Well, the working title is let's get Something. any ideas for what it could be? Hmm, okay, let's get it. What, what could, it has to be something that we could say forever. we can figure that out later. we have a huge hit on our hands, so let's lay it down right now, hit the track. Let's do it, let's do it. Let's do it. let's do it. let's do it. let's do it. let's do it. let's do it. let's do it. let's do it. let's do it. |
dropout | uncanny_valerie | Hello, welcome to the College Humor Podcast, the show where the folks who work here at College Humor just hang out a little bit, give you a little glimpse behind the scenes, have a little bit of fun. I am Mike Trapp, today I am joined by... Hi, I'm Eli Uden, you might have seen me also on Table Pop, a different podcast on Dropout where we play tabletop games for properties that shouldn't have a tabletop game, we've done Friends, we've done, we just did Twilight, that was, yeah, and I was Greg the Swamp Thing, there's only really a vampire and a werewolf so he had to add a Swamp Thing. Some extra monsters. Probably one kicking around.
Yeah, yeah, you know he's there, yeah, that's sort of where I took it too, I don't want to spoil it, but I was just like, I want to make a bold decision and say that I'm not interested in Bella actually, I'm just kind of there. I am a Mormon though, that's important for you to know. Mormon Swamp Thing, I really do. I've already been calling you Greg the Swamp Thing. Oh yeah, it's, you know, no one will stop at the New York office, throw algae at me, awful.
We're also joined by... I'm William Euse, and I don't have a long explanation, I'm just here, so hi. Present. And we're also joined by Caldwell Tanner, you can find me on Cartoon Hell with my friends Nathan Yaffe, Jacob Andrews, and Julia Lapetit, as well as not another D&D podcast.
Am I allowed to plug a non-college-year-old property? Yeah, say whatever you want. Well, yeah, doing it, going rogue. Do whatever you want, and then this whole half of this episode we bleep. And another thing, I think. I'll just wag my mouth and you can go in and bleep it. Just got ADR.
I love Dropout, and I'm telling all my friends about it. Dropout.tv.
Yeah, not another D&D podcast, you can get it on podcast store. Yeah, you can get this on podcast store, too, wherever podcast is sold. Go to podcast store, pick up podcasts. If you're listening to this, and for some reason you're like, I want to see their hideous faces, you can subscribe to Dropout, and you can watch it there, or you can watch it a little bit later on CH2.
I can make my mouth real wide. Yeah, show us. Whoa! This is terrible radio, but it's good, for our video viewers. It looks like an eel. This is nuts.
I bet a whole baseball in there, I'll bet. You'll bet. One day I'll try. One day. That your free solo is going to baseball in your mouth. You look up to that Ripley's, believe it or not, guy with all the billiards in his billiard balls. My dream one day, if only.
Well, Eli, you are here despite the fact that you do not live here in Los Angeles. Yeah, what the fuck? What are you doing out here? Get out of here.
So much of me wants to just be like, I'm burying my brother.
I'm so sorry.
Just on Slack. Hey, gonna be in LA for a couple of days. Available mostly. I'm down to hang or whatever. I'm gonna be busy for like two hours when the service is, but otherwise, let's meet up.
He wanted his ashes. When they're cranking the coffin, now I'm just like, come on, Craig, a little faster. He wanted his ashes spread at a guardians of the galaxy mission breakout, not Twilight zone tower. Like the arc, like shaking ashes around there.
I was like, what are you doing? He wanted this. It's end game, right? Specified the Cinerama don't know.
I basically just like, I have not been to LA. I have a lot of friends out here from like standup stuff.
And then I got to use miles to fly here. And I felt like miles is the name of your captain pilot. My little, my little plane miles.
Uh, no, I was like, oh, I've never done that before. And I felt like a real businessman and then I sat in coach.
I am so averse to any kind of like, um, uh, uh, like I know that it would, it would be good for me to like, Hey, keep track of points, use these miles and stuff like that. And I, I hate just keeping track of the, the act of keeping track of that stresses me out so much that I'm just like, no, whatever fine, whatever I'll buy.
Are you kidding me? They do take care of it for you. Yeah. You have to come in with like a spreadsheet and like, see, no, it's like a credit score. That's only good.
Like you look at your credit score and you get bummed, but like your flight miles, like you just, those just go up. The number only goes up. It only goes up until you use it.
Then it was good. Yeah. Bigger sweet. Yeah. I don't know. It's like a fun little game that you can play with yourself. Yeah. I'm learning a lot of adult things. Really.
Like I learned a thing about talking about credit scores. I have one now, uh, and gradually and I didn't, I found out that if you, it's, um, I'm not going to like on a scale of one to 10, it's 10. Uh, no, it's not a scale of one to 10.
That's bad. That's really bad.
Oh no. Um, but I didn't realize that this doesn't make any sense to me that if you close a credit card, it goes down. Yeah. So now I have a drawer like with not like it's not full. I'm not like scammed, like doing fraud. You just have active credit cards that you're not using. They're just, I have credit cards with a zero balance that I can't get rid of because then my beautiful score will go down. So I just have to like fret, like tuck them away. Well, yeah, you know, the system's working cause like that's definitely a more secure thing. It's more secure system that you have a drawer of active credit cards that anyone can rush in.
Were you buying hats or something? I have a, I have a card for hats. I have a lids card. It's a lids annex. It's platinum. It's like one of those metal cards.
I almost had like a, like a meltdown last night cause I have a Amazon credit card that I was like, I decided to pay and I like checked it and I didn't like look at it and it just said 1600 so-and-so doll. And so I was like, when did I spend $1,600 on Amazon? But that was my available like balance. So I was like, I had like a heart attack and I was like, okay, I have $29. I'm good now. And I had a similar, but even stupider version of the story where I then mode someone last night. Uh, and then like the receipt showed up in my inbox in the morning.
Um, and I was looking at it and I was like, oh shit, I gave someone a thousand dollars on accident. But then I realized that there was this, uh, a crumb on my laptop screen. You were, you were a complete mess in a completely different way. I didn't get drunk and give someone a bunch of money. I'm just the, I'm just have a filthy computer and I can't read numbers. That's the space for like a nineties eighties hijinks movie.
It's like blank check, but it turns out it wasn't a blank check. It's like, Oh, it actually, I only have a thousand dollars. Well, that's what I, that's what I like about Venmo is that like, it's just the cash that you have on hand. So like, I couldn't Venmo someone a thousand dollars. If I wanted to, I would just be like, no, go, go fuck yourself. Cause it takes a second for it to get to your bank. Could you like do that as a prank and then it just wouldn't cash. It just says like, you don't have this amount of money in your checking account. I have a, um, I have a thing that like tells you how much money you have in your checking account.
Just text you and it has like a little bummer. No, I will.
The one that I got today, thanks for subscribing to Willie facts. We only have the saddest facts about Willie and it's every week.
I got a text this morning that said, make your dreams come true. You're checking about balance is 0.0. That is my dream to be free of this system. It's just because for the record, I am going to go eat, pray, love myself.
But it's, I was, it was just like, Hey, right. It'll just said like, Hey, fuck you.
Thank you for subscribing to our service. I don't, I don't even know what the service is for.
It's for millionaires who would just want to be like, ah, yes, still flush. They also charge a hundred dollars a month. I think it's one of those ones that like, like takes like a penny here and there and like saves it for you. But I don't save money in that account very much anyway. So it's just like, here's not enough, no money. So many services are connected to your checking account. You don't know what they do. You guys know you have things that just take a couple of pennies out of your account. Why do you have a farm bill attached to your checking account?
Because I have a really good thing. A cranberry.
That would be dark if those mobile games got to that level or it wasn't even a credit card. It was like, what's your routing number? No, I take it back. That would rule if you could set up Pokemon go. So it's attached to your checking account. I'm like, every time you get a check or spend money, you get new Pokemon in there and it's like based on the number. I get like, I'm loaning me out every time I go out for a burger. You're rewarded for spending by getting Pokemon.
Capitalism, baby. Right in my butt. I do have the thing. So I'm very dumb and I have the, you're going to find out that you are being actively defrauded.
But this is just like, it makes me happy. I have this service where I pay them $20 and they send me good vibes. I have this service where I pay a guy $100 a month or else his goon smashed my shop. No, okay. They come in and break my bar. It's just something that makes me happy. And then I realize what happens and it makes me less happy.
But I have this, like seamless, you can make it so that it rounds up the dollar and donates to charity. And so every time I spend seamless now, I get really excited because I'm like, it's exactly the dollar. Like it's exactly $15 and I like clap and then it's like, oh, I just donated money. That's all of that. Oh, I'm a good person. I thought you were excited that you didn't have to donate money because you were getting the perfect amount. I was excited that it's a perfect zero. I was like, I'm spending the right amount of money on food that it's that.
Yeah. But then it turned out it was just a crumb on your screen. It was $500. And I now owe Uncle Sam a whole lot. Yeah, they want that money. Yeah, that was like I were, I won't slander anything, but like I worked at a startup and it was one of those where I was like, I'm a full time employee. And later they're like, you are not after they, like after it got acquired. And so it was cool because I was like, oh yes, you know, sorry to go.
Like sucks. Could I, I'd love to get unemployment. And they're like, you don't get an employment.
And I was like, cool. And they're like, also you're a contractor. And I was like, okay.
I, and then I owed, I believe seven and a half thousand dollars in taxes. I don't think my me is worth that. Like if I went to the hospital, I was like, take everything. 6,000 maybe. Yeah. Could you get like an audit of yourself? Oh, an auditor that comes to your house and like, just kind of appraises your whole deal and is like, no, they don't need to pay that much. If you could just find a doctor who's judgmental enough, that could maybe be, what are you doing? I wouldn't, I wouldn't pay more than 2000 for this. But I thought my credit score was bad. My body audit would just be like, well, we're going to take this away from you.
You've been not using this correctly. I'm going to put you in an iron lung for a year. Just a head in the jar now. Yeah. But you're still like five feet tall somehow. They wheel you out around like a big stand.
How do we put this monster energy drink should be a luxury, not something you rely on. It's bad. No, it's great. I don't know. What's your flavor? Oh, dude, it's so, it sucks because it's my favorite flavor is a salt and that's the name. Excuse me. Monster assault. No. And the can is camo and I don't like it, but the flavor is beautiful.
And for a while was also the call of duty edition. It was a camo cam with a call of duty guy on it.
And I was just like, I'm just tired. It's so tight, man.
It was pretty sick. They also had a Gronk edition of monster for a minute. It was just monster with Gronk on it. That was great monsters doing a lot of stuff.
We don't respect enough. You might as well just just like be carrying on a sign.
This is I am a douchebag. In my opinion, I feel like the library with a monster just reading old literature, slamming monster assault. This guy's an enigma. I think for me, it's got to be either monster falling down stairs, just their raspberry flavor or monster getting caught masturbating.
Yeah.
Those are both good. Yeah, they're all, most of them are just like crimes. It's like monster patricide. Very cool. We should play on this podcast, monster energy drink or drink or federal or felony. The answer to all of them is both. Yeah, it's both new monster male. The lamest felony.
I'm just surprised that energy drinks have flavors. I thought they were all the same flavor and it was just like melted spree or whatever. That's what they rebel tastes like a fruit loops and a blender to me.
Yeah. Like kind of fruit loop smoothing. Yeah. And here's the thing.
I love that flavor. That's like the flavor that's like time to go. It's any other flavor I feel like is a luxury to me. But when I drink that flavor, it's like, this is pure effort in a can.
Like this is, this is not pleasure. I'm not playing around.
I need that big boy energy. That's what I say when I go to the Bodega. Yeah. You know what you want. Yeah. Do you don't have a Bodega out here? No, I have a little, there's a little bakery. I got a guy. I got a guy that go to it when I say I need that big boy energy and he knows what I'm talking about. You just force a friendship with the seven 11 guy. Like this is my Bodega. Yeah.
I brought you in here. Beat me to it. I'm sorry.
Oh, oh, I have a story about the last time I was on this office because I'm staying with the same person I stayed with last time. And they have a cat, wonderful cat, Dr. Funk. So one of the things that Dr. Funk does is that she pisses on everything. And so I was visiting this office last time.
Yeah.
It's very funky. It's the funniest thing you can do.
So I was like visiting this office and I had not met in person almost any in this office before because I usually work in New York. And I got up and I came to the office and part of the, I got to the office sitting down and I was like, man, it really sure smells like cat pee a lot in here. And then it went on. I can't believe the office is constantly smelling of cats. Slacking me like the LA office smells like cat piss.
Okay. Um, but it keeps going. And I'm like, this may, I'm staying somewhere with the cat.
And I realized that like in my grogginess, the Dr. Funk had just whetted my genes thoroughly. And like my genes just like reek of cat piss.
I don't know anyone here. So I'm just like New York guy working in an empty table that reeks of cat piss. And I didn't know what to do. So I just panicked and went to Target and bought new pants and came back with new pants on and was like, Hey, it's me two pants Eli from New York.
Yeah. I think you could play that off as like a New York thing. It's like, it's kind of an East coast thing. Yeah. We like do like two pants Tuesdays, you know, I thought you were saying being covered in cat piss. Yeah. That also kind of does work. That makes more sense. Yeah.
I think anyone who was perceptive enough to notice that you, you switched pants at the end of the day would probably also have been perceptive enough to realize that you smell like cat piss for the first half of the day would have been like, you know what? He made a good move here. No one notices what people, no one has noticed that I'm wearing a belt in a tie instead of a belt. I don't think I did notice that or no socks. I did not have called all just like, I did notice that. I thought it was some sort of my shirt. Me was door of the Explorer.
Yeah. And I feel like this shirt, if you subscribe, but no one, I mean, I feel like no one, maybe I'm just living in a fantasy world where everyone's just like talking about me behind my back. Did you see this belt? It wasn't spelled at all. I mean, yeah, I do like a full like Sherlock deep dive into every person that I meet, like fingernails, slightly cuffed around the edges. Oh, the whole going around your head. Yeah. Like a lot of your mind palace. People can see the text though, which is weird. Yeah. It really, it makes you seem less mysterious and they can see all the pieces you're putting together. Two plus two. They said like a whiteboard. It's not like it's like floating or anything.
Are you analyzing what my clothes are made of? I can see it says cotton polyester right there. You were at a graveyard recently, weren't you?
Don't take this. Don't put that on me.
You're, you're up to something. I bet if we go into your closet right now, we'll find something very interesting.
I wish I could remember who it was to like credit them, but there's like a very good tweet that's that which is like Sherlock and his mind palace, but it's all just different misspellings of the word penis. I don't know. Wrong. Pingus. Yeah.
How did you put on wet pants and not notice how wet they were? They were dry. The piss had dried. Okay. It was my, I was, you know, I had more than one pair of pants, not to fancy man. So it had dried. They'd like been on the floor and then it was, so it wasn't actually wet.
I mean, how far do we want to go into this? It was like, this smell is overwhelming. And then I, it was like more of that kind of like hard. I was like, ah, a hard, I have a, I have a crispy, yeah, a little ammonia patch for me on my jeans.
And then those pants are no more Dr. Funk. Took me right out of Dr. Funk's pants.
I got, I got, I got sprayed by a skunk while I was out here. I was like, there, there was like this one evening where it was like, hey, like I, I like, I finished a bunch of stuff. Uh, I got a couple little errands to run. I'm just gonna, like, I'm just gonna, you know, uh, just take care of some business and like, uh, put in some headphones, walked, walked out of my apartment, got to the end of the, of the, of the block. Yeah. It was really like, and I was like, look at me, I'm responsible. And I was like, look at this asshole. My, my, my old apartment was right by this like abandoned lot and I walked past it and like got a few feet past and I was like, I like felt something wet against my leg. And, and my initial thought was like, I brushed against some grass and it was dewy. And like, that just happens. You get a little, you know, this is wet. And then like, like my brain slowly working in the background. It's like, it's 8 p.m.
There's no dew on this ground. Why would there be dew?
Did I, did something happen? I turned around and there was a skunk right in the middle of the sidewalk that was just like doing aggressive pushups at me. And like, oh, it's like, it must have like hissed or something before I noticed. And like, just, I had music playing, so I didn't hear it at all. And I went to this weird like thing of denial because I so didn't want to have been sprayed by a skunk that it was just like, maybe just spit on.
Maybe it's just pissed. It is just pissed. It could just be pissed.
Like that's fine. And like truly tried to like keep walking a little farther to the pharmacy before I was like, no, no, this is skunk spray. And I spent the rest of the evening with like one foot in the tub. Tomato juice? No, and then I like, I was like a phone in one hand and it was just googling like skunk remedies and then like some pouring stuff on my like skunk foot. No more how. Please help skunk foot. And it was just like so many things. It was like tomato juice, like, no, tomato juice just covers up the smell because tomatoes smell very strongly of tomatoes. That's not what you want to do. And it was like, it was like that episode of The Simpsons where they're putting everything in Lisa's hair to get the gum out. It was just that it was like, hydrogen peroxide?
No. Baking soda? No. Vinegar?
That doesn't do anything. You actually have to use dish soap? Doesn't do anything.
You actually have to use monster double homicide. Yeah, monster gets it off.
I like that that's how tomato juice works though. Sorry. It was didn't think that tomato juice like of anything smelled that strongly of itself. Like I can't think of what a tomato smells like to save my life. I guess if you have enough to make a bathtub full of tomato, then you've got that.
It's yeah, it smells like a, it smells like a nice marinara sauce. But like, can you just say like, yeah, it's, it's like, it's like being onions or something. Yeah.
The solution to skunk spray is like, just a ton of like David off cool water actually covers it up. Just ax body spray.
At least it's just like a test patch of your leg though. Like it wasn't your whole body. No, it got, uh, yeah. And, uh, it was summer. So I was wearing shorts, which like, uh, it got like a little, so most of the spray was just on the one leg and a little bit was on, on with shorts. And like you could see on the shorts.
It's like, oh, this is fucking disgusting. Cause it's like, it's like greasy. It's like part of the reason it's hard to get off is because it's like, it's like a fat based spray. Uh, and from the glam. So it's like, and it just like, it totally like stained the, it was like, these shorts, they were brand new.
It was like, well, these are dead. They're gone.
Like nothing I can do about this. Have you, is that the only time I've ever been sprayed?
Yes. Yeah.
I have never, I don't think I've ever actually smelt a skunk spray. What smells like weed.
Yeah, it does. Yeah. That's that's what they all say.
I guess like, I don't know. I've never actually, I don't know why.
I was like, you know what we're going to, that's what we're going to do tonight. We're going to go. We're going to hit the town.
We're going to get you a skunk man. We're not leaving until you get sprayed by a skunk.
Yeah. The new, uh, new, new dropouts. There's me getting sprayed in the face. Oh God. I feel really badly though. Cause my first thought when he told that story was like the fact that it was like, you didn't realize that you'd pissed the skunk off felt like you kind of like missed your opportunity to like screw with a skunk. Like you got sprayed and you didn't get to like punch it in the face. Yeah. If I'm going to get sprayed, I should, yeah, I deserve it. Yeah.
I like how much of a, I like how much of a 180 it did from what your theory was, which was like the beginning of a fantasy. Now we're like surely a couple of droplets of do simply brushed my ankle and then it's like, Oh, an animal squirted glands. You coming to the realization it's too early for do and then all the Sherlock, the letters like flying around do drew.
Well, uh, we should probably move on to our next segment. Um, why don't we do our, let's do our game next. That sounds fun. Willie, do you want to, do you want to kick us off here and maybe like, uh, we'll pass these around and his little card or yeah. Maybe like do one and then, and then, and then just pass it around, pass it around. Okay. Why don't I just, yeah, do one and then pass around.
So we're playing cocktail or crime fiction by bestselling author, Michael Connelly.
Okay. That old chestnut. So, uh, is that the guy that's like always advertised on the subway? I'm not familiar with his, I feel like a real, like it's like a real airport book, right? Yeah. I mean, these are, these are the airport Kings. Yeah. Harlan. Yeah. Harlan, Coben, Michael Connelly. Ooh.
My mom loves your Grisham's. You mentioned Clive Kussler on lower. You get an ear fall. She thrives on five.
Dirk, Dirk, Dirk pit. Yeah. I say Dirk Diggler different things. Hopefully my mom is not as much of a fan. Are you trying to say dark pit? No. Dirk pit is my favorite smash brother.
All right. He's in the new fighter pack. My favorite. It's boom. How are playing smash? All right. So you guys, his first question, uh, cocktail or crime fiction by novel by bestselling author, Michael Connelly is nine dragons. I'm going, should we just go around? Yeah, sure. You seem like you've got an opinion right off the bat. I feel like I'm going best seller. Okay.
Uh, what's, what's leading to that conclusion? It just, that nine dragons implies nine ingredients. Yeah. It's a lot of ingredients for a cocktail. Yeah. It's mixology. Yeah. True.
Maybe each ingredient is three dragons. You know, maybe it's like, uh, maybe it's like you get a three olives vodka and, uh, uh, something else. Three olives vodka. One of the only vodkas to have a mountain dew flavored vodka.
Oh yeah. You've got your finger on the pulse of a trashy flavor. I grew up under the boardwalk in ocean city, Maryland, and all this. Yeah.
Speaking of which, uh, I was at a bar in a here in LA last night and a guy ordered a glass of egg whites, just the whites, just the whites. Hey, what's he like in a montage of some sort? There were a lot of people that seem to be at a bar for the first time, because there's another guy who was asking for, uh, to try liquors. Oh, like an ice cream shop. And he was like, can I try the tequila?
Little spoon. Like, yeah, it's good. It's good. It's like, okay.
That would be an awesome like workaround. That's like really easy way to get drunk is just like Baskin Robin spoons of was the bartender.
Like, what about the yolks? He's like, don't want them. Well, the egg whites were part of, they were like a fancy, so they had stuff with egg whites and like French 75 or whatever, whatever it is. But the whites, I think he just given up completely.
He was just like, yeah, whatever you want. It was like, I'll spit in a glass. Just get the fuck out of here. You fucking free.
But I'm sorry, nine dragons. I'm going to say, yeah, I think, I think nine dragons is also a book.
I could see that being a sort of like, sort of like, you know, heads of crime families or something like that. Offensive portrayal of Chinese crime.
Maybe. I mean, look, dragons can come from any, but probably an offensive. Sure. Yeah.
I'm going to go cocktail. I feel like this is one of these like mixology cocktails.
It's got some bullshit spicy thing in it, which is why it's called dragons. Oh yeah. And then it's also like, it is one of those like weird, like, you're like, this isn't like offensive, but it is. It's like, it's like the name of like an Asian fusion drink at a bar where you're like, like, calm down. Like they don't want to say Singapore sling anymore. So they're like, it's the nine dragons or whatever. That's better. Yeah.
We're not officially calling up the Tiki bars. I don't think that is one place that has managed to evade the like, like wave of, of making sure that everything looks good.
Cause you still get stuff in like mugs that are just a racist caricature. You're like, Oh, I saw this in a world war two propaganda.
Now I'm drinking a sweet cocktail. I'll go cocktail too.
And, uh, it, oh, it's a novel. Okay.
After what seems like a routine murder investigation, LAPD detective Harry Bosch finds himself in a Hong Kong in Hong Kong, facing the highest stakes case of his life, bringing his kidnapped daughter home. We just made the same face cause we're like, it's fucking Yeah, I saw those on the, the subway was filthy with Bosch. It was everywhere. And he was just like an old detective with full sleeves. And that's like seems to be his main thing. Just those lousy with Bosch, huge watch, like massive watch. Also, why did I went from a routine murder investigation to his daughter getting kidnapped?
Yeah. It's kind of like crossing the streams a little bit, right? Oh, if you're investigating murder, yeah, if your daughter didn't throw you off the trail. Willie knows what's up. Yeah, sure. Done it many times. I got a next one. This is, this is a good one. Okay.
This is a dinger of hum. Sand in the crack.
That's got to be a cocktail. It thinks it's very funny. And that sounds kind of, that's one of those like, it's like, get me a blow job. Get me a, you know, give me a, give me five dirty sluts on a log. You know, like, like, I'll have a Dr. Funk. That would be a good cocktail. But yeah, that's actually like genius of bars. Cause that's how they make money off of assholes is they just name stuff like buttery nipple. And someone's like, I'll have that.
And they're like, you just paid $6 for like butterscotch. Like the cheapest thing we have. I bought, uh, there is a, as I like, all you can eat sushi. So you just like check things off. And there was something called a sensual roll and I was just like, I'm going to get it just to see what it is. Cause I have to pay for it.
And it was just like a jalapeno popper inside of rice. Don't like jalapenos. So my boyfriend had to eat all of it because I was not having it. And he was not happy with it.
It was essential. Yeah. The opp, whatever.
Was watching your boyfriend eat that jalapeno popper. How would you rate it? Cream cheese melting down. The most sensual spread. He broke up right there in that lukewarm rice and hot cheese. I think, wait, do you guys have guests?
I feel like it's, it's some sort of like twisted margarita. It's some fucked up margarita.
Maybe it's like a frozen and it's got like a Corona shoved in there. Oh, the, the, uh, that hasn't the name that I think is offensive. I thought, I thought there were like bulldogs. Maybe I've only seen it advertised as a Mexican car crash, which seems, I don't think I didn't even know if that's offensive. It's just weird. I don't like that. Yeah, I don't love it. Pleasant. It does sound like a weird, like attempted racism. You just don't know what you're even like.
It's also weird to, to imagine like, if this were a crime novel, like it's like, we're written a serious crime novel. It's called sand in the crack. It's based on a true story from my, my life when I was working on the work in the beat. It's one of the most grizzly murders I ever saw.
It's also like, yeah, like it's like a clue. It's like, there's sand in the crack. It's like, yeah, here's on the beach.
It's not like that much of a lead. It's like now they're just pulling apart. It's so bad.
The body was moved in his ass wide open. He didn't die in the factory. He died on the beach. He was moved.
I'm going to go crime novel just because I really hope it is. Sure. Yeah. All right. Here we go. It is a cocktail of course. Yeah.
The cousin to a sex on the beach.
Whoa, that was, it's one of the like good ones. You know, they're all, those are really good.
It's one of the ones that nobody will drink because it sounds bad, but it's like, it's like great. It's like cranberry juice. It tastes great. It's cranberry juice, pineapple juice, and coconut rum. Sounds delicious.
Yeah. Like I would get really mean on those. How many of those would you have to drink before you called it like a sand in my ass? Like one, not a good drinker. Sandy asshole.
Does anyone want to do another one? Yeah. All right. This one's tricky. Ooh.
Angel's flight. Can it be a flight?
What if it's an actual? Yeah. Is both an answer? There's got to be a both. There must be. Yeah. If not, we should make a...
I veer towards crime novel, but there is a downtown LA. There's a funicular. Which is what it was just like, you know, like little railway that just runs uphill like between the thing that it's called Angel's flight. That's what those are called. I wouldn't be surprised if there were like, if it were like trying to be like like a gritty LA LA like story that like takes place around there maybe. And it's also just sort of playing in this sort of like, wow, they called the city of angels, but all I see are devils.
I left the next one just like the black Dahlia murder. I think that is a crime. Well, Bosch wouldn't be investigating the black Dahlia murder.
We got to go back in time. You got to put yourself into Bosch in time. That's what this big fucking watch is for. It ranks it up. It's Bosch in time. Bosch for the future. We did it.
I don't, uh, Angel's flight.
Yeah, I feel like I can see the book cover in my head. And it's, you know, it's kind of like a chalky Angel's outline maybe with like a murder outline, but then there's wings around it. And then like spatters of blood.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, you know, got a million little gold medals pressed onto it for like Norway's best thriller 2019. The grand ski prize. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Make that up. I got to say, I don't think it could be a drink. I'm going to go Michael Connolly's a book by best selling author Michael Connolly. I'm going to go drink and it's made with like one of those bullshit vodkas.
That's like, uh, Angel's food cake or something like that. Like a flavor. Yeah, like a flavored vodka. But it's like, what flavor are you?
What are we doing?
Sweet. Just sweet.
It could also be like the Angel's share bourbon, you know, which is like the evaporated bourbon that like there's old thing. And then they have like the devil's cut. They, you know, distillers are crazy. They're going nuts over there. More power to them. Yeah.
I'm going to go drink because I have not gotten a point yet. And I can't win. So I want to see if I can get no points.
Got it. You're, you're, you're like, you're trying to shoot the moon in hearts. Yeah. It's like, well, if I just, if I just get them all, all right, let's see.
This is a novel. An activist attorney is killed in a cute little LA trolley, but the case is so explosive. And the dead man's enemies inside the LAPD are so numerous that it falls to Harry to solve it.
So you failed that one. Yeah.
Is Bosch's first name Harry? Harry Bosch?
Yeah. Which does sound like a drink. Do you guys remember that thing, the snowman?
The guy's name in the snowman is Harry Hole. Detective Harry Hole. We made it. They made a whole movie and book series. And like nobody called them on that. Harry Hole.
I think the book was like, it's like Harry Hula. And then they're like Americanized it for some reason, as opposed to just keeping it Hula or whatever. We could have just gone hula.
Or just hair. Just call him Harry. That's so weird. Detective Anus.
We promise you, we are turning over every rock and stone. We will spare nothing to find your child.
In charge of the cases, this is Harry Hole. He's big. So we call him Big Harry Hole around here. And his partner, Detective Penischeft. To be fair, the guy who solved the Golden State Killer case was named Paul Holes, which is close. Yeah, but Paul isn't a magic deal.
But there are many of them. There are many holes out there. I've never heard the name Holes until.
Yeah. That's because when they came across on Ellis Island, they were holes. That was their job, was to be a hole. Right. They were from Poland. Yeah. The holes. Grab proud people.
I hate you so much, Paul. The next one, this one is Missionaries Downfall.
That one could be naughty, or it could be. Like, you know. Or it could be nice. Yeah, it could be naughty. Could be nice.
Hard to tell. Chad, I don't know which one to fake guess. I think that's probably, go ahead.
I think it's a drink because it sounds like, there's that genre of drink names where it's like, there's a whole chain. Eli's lament. It's one of those. There's a whole chain of bars in New York that are named different euphemisms for falling off the wagon. One of them's called Off the Wagon.
It's always been like, this seems incense. Yeah. I don't know my favorites. It's also like all speakeasy cocktails have the same name and convention as like a Fall Out Boy song, where it's like a very long title and then a parenthesis with more. Yeah. Just like, Godspeed you, Black. Like rum or whatever. Swizzle around the top. Like, my darling, my darling.
I want to make a fake bartending tool that's just like a bellows. And then no explanation of what it is. Just make bars by it. So you're like, I want this bellows. I don't know what drink this is for.
Oh, yeah. For like a flavored puff on top. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You foam. This is sort of tying a couple things together. But while you're here, you should go to the Tiki Tea, which is the Tiki bar down there. But if you want a bunch of crazy, weird stuff going on, there are things that you can order. It doesn't say it on there. But it's like, oh, you ordered that drink. That means it's time for a little mechanical bull to march across the bar. And literally everyone in the bar goes, Doro, Doro, Doro. What the hell is happening here? That place is wild. It's like one of those ones in Russian bars. There's always videos of a drink that if you order it, it's like they put a helmet on you and hit you with a hammer and then slap you. And then they throw you off a crane or whatever.
Is that the magic word? Yeah, another level over there. I'm going to say that this is a novel. This is the one I'm most conflicted about so far, because I could see that missionary, that being one of these sort of either downer drinks or being a sort of like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. I think, oh, go ahead. I was going to say, I think it's a drink, because I don't know what Bosch would be doing hanging around missionaries. So I will guess missionary to keep my streak going. Missionary. Wait, no. Yeah, we're guessing novel drink or missionary. Is it Bosch or not, Swilly? That actually makes sense almost, yeah.
I think it's a drink because I'm picturing it having a little communion wafer on top of it that they kind of like precariously balance on the drink and then it instantly falls in. And you're like, oh, shit, no, my drink is kind of... This drink is made with rum, seltzer, and a communion wafer that turns into the body of Christ. Wow, it's a statue. It's right before me. The classic fucker boy drink.
Communion wafers taste good? Are they good? They taste kind of like matzah.
That's weird. Yeah. That seems weird.
Jewish never had one. I would love to have a communion wafer. Communion wafers? No.
I mean, I used to eat them a bunch because they're like... Oh, Willie got in the wafers again. As a former Catholic, I had many a wafer and they were tasty. They were like, it was like a treat to tidy over until donuts, until afterwards.
It's true. Yeah. But I guess they just sell them in boxes. I'm sorry. That's quite a tangent. Missionary's downfall is a cocktail. Yes.
White rum, pineapple juice. A lot of pineapple juice.
Do you want to keep doing the game? We've all done one, should we? We've all done one and we're moving through this. We're running out of time. So we should move on to the next thing.
So we're going to do a little rejected sketch theater. This is a sketch that Caldwell, when you were here, we worked on together and it never got made.
I don't know why. It has a number of things wrong with it.
But we'll go ahead and we'll distribute this and we'll... Yeah. Is there enough copies for all of us to play apart? There might be. Let's see. There's a role for me. There's a role for you. There's, of course, Valerie. And then there's stage directions, as well as maybe some other folks. Or is it just us?
A Zach. I can be Zach. Great.
I mean, I'm Valerie. I can be Valerie, too. I'll be Valerie. And I'll be stage? I'd be honest. I probably sound the most like a Valerie. Well, Valerie, I guess we should say, is...
A computer woman. Yeah. That's the vibe I'm going for. I forgot that's what you call robots. That's why I pull out my phone. It's a computer woman.
Where is ramen?
Yeah. Whether or what is. Yeah. I think if you read it like a Siri, maybe, is kind of the vibe. Okay. Doesn't Siri just talk like a normal person? Yeah.
A normal person. Siri talks like a computer that's trying their best to be a person. That's how I talk naturally.
It's the role of a lifetime. That's the part I was born to play, baby.
There we go. All right. I'll do Uncanny Valerie by Mike Trapp and Caldwell Tannock. Oh. Interior office day. Caldwell draws the most detailed penis ever. Trapp enters. Hey, is the internet working today? Nope. Okay, see ya. Trapp turns to leave.
Valerie, quote, walks by. She is a poorly computer animated woman. She has a weird spider walk and her feet never touch the ground. As she passes her head turns just a little too much. Her body stays the same direction.
Good morning. Trapp stares as she walks away, turns to Caldwell. Who's that? Oh, that's Valerie.
She works in IT. She's fixing the internet.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool.
He glances back at Valerie.
She stretches her arms to grab a cup of coffee from a table 10 feet away. She unhinges her jaw like a snake and pours a granular particle mist of coffee into her mouth.
Jabba. So we hired someone from the Uncanny Valley.
It's cool. Cool, cool, yeah. Yeah, it is cool. Cool, yeah.
Why are you saying it like that? Cut back to Valerie.
She's partially turned away from us typing on an old, very square computer. Her head slowly turns towards us, an unchanging smiling face. She winks too big and too slow, all upper lid.
I'm not prejudiced or anything. I just, I don't know, like looking at her just makes me like a little uncomfortable. Wow. You know what I mean. Like you don't feel just like a little weirded out by the fact that she's a near but flawed approximation of humanity. Trapp, that is so ignorant.
Look at her eyes. Cut to Valerie. Brr, it's cold in here. Her face disappears for a few seconds, leaving only perfectly spherical eyes and chattering teeth. Close on gnashing teeth. They're beautiful.
What's your point? I'm just stating facts.
Okay, she's clearly from the Uncanny Valley, which we all know is a buggy part of town. That is a coded phrase. Yes, she's coded poorly. Look at her. Cut to Valerie. She's talking on the phone. We pull out to reveal her head and phone hand are perfectly still, but the rest of her body is flailing like a rag doll. I told you not to call me here, Anthony. Look, I'm sure it's normal where she's from to glitch out, and it's not her fault. She just wasn't rendered properly. Caldwell is disgusted.
But this is a professional workspace, and the way you interact with others in 3D space is important. The problem isn't with them. It's with you. If you're uncomfortable with Uncanny people, maybe you're the Uncanny one.
Cut to Valerie. The internet is back, everyone. Time for lunch.
She slowly lifts a two geometric ice cream cone up to her mouth. Her tongue slops out inhumanly. It picks up speed until just a blur of a waggling tongue. The ice cream keeps its shape until the very end when half of it disappears.
Oh, no. That's so wrong. Cut back to Valerie. Her ice cream is on fire. Parenthesis with a low rendered N64 golden eye flame. The flame SFX are way too loud. Just because it's different doesn't mean it's wrong.
Now look, she's walking over here. Oh, no. No, no. I want you to have a conversation with her. Treat her like a person. Valerie walks through trap and stands in the middle of the desk.
Trap screams. Oh, my god. I'm so sorry. Trap never grew up around people from the Uncanny Valley. She was inside me.
It's OK. I deal with it every day. It's the sorry state of America.
She touched my soul. His nose is bleeding. Yeah, but you shouldn't have to. Caldwell touches her shoulder. She immediately falls through the floor. Oh, shit. She clipped.
How was your weekend? So yeah, again, flawless.
Did anyone get the sense that Sketch Caldwell kind of wanted to fuck Valerie the way that was written? I liked when Sketch Caldwell turned very mean.
And it was like, really, it's like, yes, she's here. She's my wife. Right, yeah.
Well, in the series, because I was pitching. This is like a 12 parter. Eventually, we would have gotten married. We would have had like hybrid, uncanny children. This was just your way of like slowly introducing your E-wife into the workplace. You guys remember.
Within the world, I love my beautiful E-wife. I love my curvy E-wife. My angular E-wife.
Three polygons. You do it one point and call her eyes beautiful, which is the part that really stuck out to me. And like there's a.
Was it the eyes or the teeth? It was the teeth. It was the chattering teeth.
Yeah, I mean, like this. This said, but I mean, the biggest the biggest thing here is that was just like we were never this. We're never able to like animate this.
And this initially came from a thing that like one of the first things I pitched when I got here was a tourism video for the uncanny valley. Or it's like, come visit the beautiful uncanny valley. And it was just like everyone was like ostensibly happy, but it was all just like real like background footage, real environments, but then just like computer generated people like biking through, but like not touching the bike scene is slowly turning to like kind of smile at like straight at camera.
Just be this like deeply upsetting thing. And I'm like, you can't do that. It's like, well, what if it was just one person? I think we also run into issues here of like one. It's like I am playing a character is like very racist, but also like, but also, but at the same time, this is like the uncanny valley is a thing that like that that people do get like weirded out about. So it's like, it's like, I should be the character in the wrong here because I'm being very racist. At the same time, we're seeing, we're seeing things that are upsetting. So it's like, so it runs this weird things like this isn't a defense of racism. It's very like confused thing about it where it's like trying to do two things at once. And like, I think it gets a little muddled. It would be like you being like xenophobic towards people from like Silent Hill.
They're bad. It's like, yeah, the blood nurses are fine. Like we don't need to be friends with them. Just because his head is a pyramid doesn't mean he's a bad person.
Yeah, it's bright of its time. I really enjoyed page three. Now you got to get dropout so you can see what things looking at where almost all of this feels like it could have been pulled straight out of like the movie hackers. Look, I'm sure it's normal where she's from to glitch out. This is so deep.
Just Matt Lillard with the like. Yeah, yeah. Just like slowly putting on my fingerless gloves as we're talking. Oh, yeah. Well, Matt Lillard was going to play Valerie the original. That would be great. Yeah.
That was our goal. There was a thing here where we kept like running into things to where we were like in conversations about like, it's like, well, would we even be able to do this? We'd be able to animate it. And it was always sort of like, it was this constant back and forth of like, no, no, we definitely can't afford this animation.
And it's like, you recognize we want it to be really bad, right? And it's like, yeah, but still bad. And you run into this thing where it's like, do you understand how bad I want this to be?
Like, maybe you do. And the answer is still no, but maybe you don't. And then we have a failure to communicate here.
Yeah, I feel like horseshoes around where like to make it that bad is actually a skill. Yeah. Well, it's like making like a bad movie on purpose. You kind of got to capture the like, you'd have to like hire just like the worst animator you could find and just be like, make this as good as you can. You just needed Fiverr to be around when you made this. So you could just pay someone $5, just undercut the entire like craft of animation. Yeah. Just pay someone in like Minsk to do it. $5 to the animator and then $5 to a freelance writer to make it less racist. Yeah, I think you mean a consulting producer.
I don't know all the lingo. The message is definitely a little muddy.
Looking back, looking back. And I think it's good that we didn't make this.
Valerie is in a way trapped in this script forever. Beautiful wife. I do wish that Valerie was real, though.
Sure. That's clear.
You just want to marry Valerie. I don't want to marry her. I want to have a tryst with her.
All right. I want to cheat on my wife with her. Well, OK. Well, I can support that. That's fine.
Yeah, cobble, stop trying to play Mary Fuck Hill with Valerie every time you see a new one. Hey, Mary Fuck Hill.
That woman Valerie from the sketch I wrote. You remember. I told you about it. It's in your wallet folded up real small. You remember the sketch. There is like you already pointed this out, but like when you were like, it's like, yes, her eyes are beautiful.
It's such a funny thing to be like defending, being like, hey, you're being racist against our coworker. So I'm going to comment on her appearance. I was like, well, I don't want a defense of that. It's like, I think you're a bad person, too. Yeah. No one comes out looking great in this sketch. Except Zach. It's like racism versus like fetishization.
But this is written in like 2005 or something? Like way back. Who knows? This is 2015? Oh, yeah. Well, that's the 2005 of the 2010s. 2015. Yeah.
Well, it's learned. I've grown.
Well, why don't we do some audience questions here.
Everyone's shocked because I did an incredible magic trick here. Do you think there's a holster? Cross body? That was some bosh. Yeah. I'm doing incredible magic tricks right now. There's like flowers appearing and doves flying out.
So, yeah, here's a question from the Discord. If you want to get on the Discord, you want to ask us a question, you're going to have to subscribe to Dropout. I'm sorry. That's just the way it is. This is a little bit of a long question. But I'll read the whole thing and just kind of throw it out to whoever wants to answer it first. It's a bad question. I will ban them. Yeah. Discord.
As comedians, how was your personal perspective on comedy, really any form of art in general, changed with your growth? What things have you come to appreciate so much more now that you know what you know? Or vice versa, what things do you disdain now that you know what you know? Firstly, I've always been curious about this as a musician. My taste and appreciation for music have drastically changed since getting into it. And that level of engagement has spread to my love of film, TV, and games. I would love to hear others' experiences on it. So essentially, after doing comedy for a while, how have your opinions on comedy changed?
For the worst. We're all just like, hmm, good question. My first thing that I heard disdain, I was just like, other comedians? I don't know. I feel like I may have gotten this discussion on the Discord before. But it's like, I find it very hard to watch comedy anywhere. So it really is, unfortunately, sort of like a ruining it for yourself thing for me. Standup, especially, I haven't watched a special.
Do you mean because you spend so much time analyzing it and dissecting it? Or just because you see how you know how the magic works so it's not as magical for you anymore? I can't shut my brain off watching to things that I, to stop, not analyze it.
I went to that, I was going by UCB Sunset and there was a show last night. I went to hang out and I saw that line of people that were lined up 30 minutes before a standup show and were excited and I was just like, have not felt that in years. The idea of lining up 30 minutes early to get into a standup show, which is a bummer.
It's very sad. You're like the grumpy old relative at a wedding where everyone's like, oh, this is so happy together. It's like, it's not gonna last.
Nothing could happen. Oh, great joke. Let's see if he sticks the lid. You're at the McDonald's next door. Just like, yeah.
It's a whole thing where I feel like when I watch something, like best case scenario for me now when I'm watching a comedy is like I watch a joke or see someone like something, whatever, and it's just like, wow, that's something really good that I didn't make and I'm like, I'll never be able to make that because that person already made it. Yeah, it really is just like distinct. Just like people doing really good job and stuff. Yeah, the jealousy thing, but it's like, when there is something that's really good, it's really great that I'm like, oh, I'm not even analyzing this. I think the last thing I watched was probably like Kid Gorgeous, like the John Mulaney special. That's very good. And then weirdly, the Adam Sandler special was also, I don't know, it was like, I don't know, I felt like everyone was ready for that and then everyone secretly watched it by themselves when it came out and everyone was like, it's good, right?
I'm having fun. Is everyone else having fun watching this? The cool thing about working in art and comedy is I have twice as many areas and genres to have ruined and also to be like inexplainably jealous of the success of others in.
You ruined anime for yourself? Anime, I think, is kind of like the sacred vessel where there's just no world where I would ever be working in anime.
Just circumstances. So I think that it has kind of remained on a pedestal. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.
I just watch anime. That's the answer. Guys, we're not going to not talk about anime here. Yeah, because I don't watch comedy anymore.
People try to get me to. But I watch mostly crime and thrillers and horror. I like drama. I do come here in the day zone and go home and have sadness all night. It's just like murder.
Maybe this is different because you do stand up but I still am really taken in by a good comedy performance. If somebody can tell a joke in a really physical or funny way, someone can fall down real good. I'll still laugh at that. That's good. A physical guy. I got there to have a very physical stand up and I'm usually like, write in your jokes or something.
If someone's got a great trunk full of props, I'm bit gnarly. I'm kind of in the same boat as you but I'm not as far out to sea. I definitely find myself watching a lot more dramas than I used to and that is the sort of thing where that's the stuff I'll get more excited about. But I don't know. I still, I guess I like digging more into the comedy stuff that I maybe before just found.
I find that I disdain less is sort of the weird thing because they were asking like, well, what do you disdain now? And now it's just sort of like, okay, well, I can watch something and go like, I don't like that but I won't get angry about it. I was just like, cool, I don't like that.
But that also means that I get excited to see something that if someone's written something or made a piece of comedy that it's like, I would never ever have thought to have done that. I never would have like, whether it's like from different perspectives or just someone's mind is so different from mine that it's like, oh, cool. This is, I'm enjoying this just because like, and it also takes away some of that jealousy thing. Like, I wouldn't have thought to do this. So cool, but this is great.
I definitely lost like that like artist mindset that I had when I was like idolizing comedy where it's like, if I can see something that makes other people laugh, there is like a respect that I have for it. Yeah. And like vine compilations, I think are like the highest form of comedy. And like if I was in college, I'd be like, there's no punchline there. It's just someone getting kicked in the balls. I'm like, that's probably one joy. Yeah, I think I've totally lost that like, that sense of like, I guess like the snootiness of just like, that's not real comedy. That's real comedy. Like all that it's like, the thing that annoys me more than anything else is actually just like seeing other people and specifically like other comedians shit on some type of comedy. It's just like, it's such a bad look in my opinion where it's like, I know comedy and you don't.
It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? There's also something. Oh, go ahead. No, no, I was like, I could have like the stuff that I do enjoy the most and in general, like even always has been like the weird comedy that is like, it's like you just get to like peek into someone's head where they have their like little like guys dancing around doing like what they think is funny. And there's less and less of that now because like obviously we live in like a hellscape, et cetera. And so like, it's my favorite cocktail. Yeah, it's like, but everything, we're so deep in the like, comedy is a sword thing. It's like, because it's not, I don't disagree with any of it obviously, but it's like, this is not something I don't already think about all day. So it's not like, I love when a joke will be like, I've never thought of that in that specific way before. Like weird, you know, that weird sort of stuff. But yeah, the other it's like, someone like stand up. It's like in New York, somebody's going off about gun control and it's like, dude, we're in Bushwick.
This is a yoga studio during the day.
You're not changing any minds here. I don't know why, like you're going this diatribe.
Listen, cancel all comedy. Everyone just watch perfectly cut screams on Twitter.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really the best, the best. Vine is great. Vine and anime. That's what we've decided. Hell yeah.
Six second anime. This is the key that we need to create. My pro tip is, a newscast fails.
There's like a new one every month. Very good. Not the same question, but another question that sort of like kind of like tried to like direct the guests towards like, oh, just sort of like thoughts about comedy. It's very funny how many of with completely different people, how many of the same things popped up.
It's just like, I don't know. Like I can't talk about politics anymore.
But you know what I love seeing? People getting kicked in the balls.
It's always funny. It's always fazer eternal.
The mole man, you know. Man getting hit by a foot tall.
Well, we are out of time. So we're going to wrap it up here. But thank you to Caldwell and Willie and Eli for joining us.
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TheBetootaAdvocate | the_betoota_advocate_podcast_trailer | Australia's oldest newspaper the Batutah Advocate dates back to the late 1800s in outback Queensland. Founded as a reliable unbiased newspaper to service the frontier of the Australian bush it has remained fiercely independent throughout the centuries that followed and now is ingrained into the Australian media landscape. The Batutah Advocate has become a global sensation boasting more readers than the Australian, the New York Times, the Washington Post and the China Daily Post put together. The Batutah Advocate it pretends to be Australia's oldest newspaper. There's a satirical online paper called the Batutah Advocate and they do stories which are not true, gee-ups. By Australia's oldest newspaper, a satirical newspaper. Yeah we'd just like to point out that it's independent regional news, we don't go by the term satire. Mr. Prime Minister thank you. The Batutah Advocate gets access where others don't and with millions of readers each week this humble publication has reached all heights of Australian print news. Now thanks to our sponsors at the fine rural restaurant franchise of Subway it is time for the southern lands greatest and oldest and favourite independent outback newspaper to take on the podcasting arena. Join the editors myself Clancy Overall and editor-at-large Errol Parker each Monday morning for a balanced and fearless take on the news cycle and the world. Subscribe if you aren't a coward. |
dropout | dating_it_s_complicated_the_sweaty_road_trip | Last week, my boyfriend and I decided we wanted to go on a road trip down to his parent's summer house in Baja for the weekend, so we loaded up his car with coolers and surfboards and kicked the road. It was going to be 10 hours of driving without breaks, but we wanted to get it all done in one day so as to, you know, maximize beach time. Even though we got an early start, it got hot fast. To make things worse, we quickly discovered that the air conditioning in his car had stopped working.
The combination of the black seat leather, the unadulterated sunlight coming through my open window, and the heat and humidity soon turned my lower back into a seething lagoon of sweatiness. Obviously, it gets worse. The more I felt myself sweating, the more I resolved myself not to move away from the seat back. After all, if I did, I would reveal a disgusting damp patch the size of a child. Except that the more I stayed exactly where I was, the more I sweated, and therefore the more imperative it became that I not move. It was a sort of nightmare scenario from which people wake up in cold sweats and then realize that they're in that exact scenario because of how much they're sweating and then wake up again for real, you know, because of inception. Obviously it gets worse, because two hours in I started having to pee, and badly.
My boyfriend noticed I was squirming in my seat and gallantly pulled into a rest stop, but like the proverbial immovable object, I would not be moved. I insisted that I didn't have to pee, and two minutes of back and forth ended up with me screaming at him to get back on the highway. I held my pee for ten straight hours of driving. When we finally got to the house, I sprinted into the beach house like a maniac and made a beeline for the bathroom. I went back to help unload the car and found my boyfriend was still in the driver's seat laughing his ass off.
I looked at my seat and saw a literal puddle of sweat trickling off the seat and out the door. The next day I got my sweat glands removed by a Mexican doctor. Now I cool myself by panting, like a dog. |
SaturdayNightLive | ted_koppel_s_brother_saturday_night_live | For Nightline, I'm Ted Koppen. Hey, great show, Ted. Thanks, Brian. Hey, Ted, listen, there's a guy in the Green room who really needs to talk to you.
Look, I just don't have time.
I know, Ted, but listen, it's different this time. he says that he's related to you. good to see you, Ted. it's been a long, long time. You know this guy? Yes, I know him. he's my brother.
I'll leave you guys alone. How have you been, Randy? Can't complain. I've been detailing speedboats in the Gulf and dealing a little pot on the side to make ends meet. You know, any time you want, I can get you a job here. go straight to hell. don't condescend to me. You know, the first day I show up stoned or pinched some chick's ass, you'll have to fire me.
You're right. I guess you're right. you're still smoking those filterless cigarettes, I see. Well, you know what I say? smoking cigarettes through a filter is like sucking tit through a sweater.
Randy, you're going to have to keep it down. Oh, is your little brother embarrassing you? Oh, come on, Randy. where is that kind of language appropriate? in a carnival. I worked in one for 10 long years. I'm sorry. I thought you might do a story on us when one of our tigers ate a shot glass. we don't usually do that kind of story, Randy. I worked a tilt-a-wheel for eight years, then I got busted shelling whippets to high school kids and they cut me loose. that's too bad. Mr. Koppel, I need you to look over this copy for a second. Okay? sure. all right. thank you. that is tight. Randy, you can't just walk in here and piss him.
Listen, bro, I'm going to cut to the chase. I need some scratch. No, I can't. you've burned me too many times. Do you want me to say it, Ted? I need to get high. there, are you happy? No, why don't you just go to a clinic? I'll pay for it. so you can feel like a big man?
No, because I'm your brother. don't you get it? I like being a junkie. Is it that hard for you to understand? In my world, I am somebody. when I sell a corn dog to a guy with an eye patch, people look up to me. me, Randy Koppel. I'm sorry. I can't give you the money. don't you understand, Ted? it's not about the money. I just want you to respect me for who I am. a junkie who details speedboats, sells corn dogs, and sleeps with Asian businessmen. Randy, brother, what happened to us? where did we go?
Here, I have something for you. Oh, great. Oh, one of these. it's all I have. Well, I have a gift for you. What? you just watch my show tomorrow night. you'll see.
I will, big brother. And now, reporting live from Washington, here is Ted Koppel. tonight's top story,: a tiger ate a shot glass three years ago in a carnival. that may not sound like news to you people, but to my brother Randy, that is news. You see, I'm proud of my brother Randy. he sells corn dogs and has sex with Asian businessmen. But I love him. he's a junkie who deals pot. But I'm proud of him, my brother Randy. |
Wizards_with_Guns | if_crime_was_punished_with_spankings | You know why I pulled you over today, sir? Uh, no, officer. Was I going too fast? I saw you flick this puppy out the window. Okay. That's a spankable offense. Can I please just have a ticket? Oh, you don't get a ticket. A one-way ticket to Spanktown. All right, spread them. No, not your legs. What the hell, man? You have the right to say oof, ow, ouchie, that smarts, and mommy.
I'm Spank Force Patrol 1701. I'm Officer Mitch Higgins. Over there is my partner, Officer Richard Down. And, uh, we love our jobs.
Hey! Hey, Spank Force! Hey, stop!
Ass in the air! Get him, get him, get him! You have been abandoned!
We got a patter. Oh, I'm gonna spank this perp purple. Wait, wait, wait. We'll just throw him in the spank tank. The spank tank is what we call our cruiser. Not to be confused with the holding cell, where we will spank him.
We mostly handle minor crimes, which is what we would call spankable offenses. For example, I saw a woman held at gunpoint the other day, and I had to get out of there, because that's not my jurisdiction. Plus, that guy had a gun. Spankable offenses include vandalism, petty theft, public indecency, oh, and, uh, false reports. Spank Force, we got a call about a theft.
Oh, thank goodness. Ah, dammit, Randy, this again? No, this time it's real.
Somebody stole my katana collection. You mean those katanas?
Oops. Busted. You know this is illegal. Well, officer, what are you gonna do about it? I'm gonna spank you, Randy. Yes!
You know, this is no easy job. Some people think they can do our job, like the cake clapper. Don't even get me started on the cake clapper.
He's a deranged vigilante who spanks criminals and takes matters into his own hands. I mean, he literally uses his bare hands. That's disgusting. That's what makes him a criminal, and us the law. You've been sentenced to bare-bottom, both-cheeks-till-candy-apple-red.
What? Oh, come on! Just be happy it's not the balls. You can spank my balls! Shut up, Randy! Check it out. New 9 millimeters. It's way harder than the old 8 mils. Mommy!
One thing we can't stress enough is that we are not cops. Yeah, we're the ones spanking the streets clean. What are they doing? Can't stand them.
Right there. Okay, here we go, here we go. Get closer.
Hey, officer! Got a couple questions for you. What you doing out here, officer? All alone. Listen, I'm a cop. I'm on patrol.
I don't know about that. Why don't you drop those trousers real quick so we can run your cheeks? Are you serious right now?
Sir, it's just a routine inspection. It's just a routine inspection. It's just routine. It's just part of the job.
Okay, fine. Whoa! Did you just expose yourself in public? That's a spankable offense. Are you kidding me? Sir, I'm gonna need you to get on your knees and bend over mine. No, screw you. We're gonna need backup.
We have a motto here on the force. Protect with honor, serve with pride. And I live by that. We also have another motto. Your ass is grass. And I live by that.
Just got a call that a perp was seen defecating in a Home Depot display toilet. Yeah, cops say he's on bath salts, but they're trying to butt in, making a minor crime a non-spankable offense. Not on our watch.
Is that him? Right there, right there. Yeah, that's him.
Let's go.
Paddles out.
Excuse me. Spank force. Excuse me. We're talking to you. Please stop. Yeah, okay. Cheeks where I can see them, pal.
Oh, shit! Run! This is a big patrolway 701. We need backup. All the babies!
Call the cops!
Oh, my God.
Richard! Okay. Officer down. Officer down!
Has been spanked. And I'm really scared. Where's the perp? Did we get him? He got away. We got our asses handed to us.
That's our job. What was that? The capes clapper. Need a hand? Thanks, capes clapper. I'll never do bath salts again. Yeah. Thank you, cape clapper. We couldn't have been more wrong about you. Yeah. How can we ever repay you? Well, there is one thing you can do to keep the city safe. Anything.
The spank force is on your- You can spank my little tush. Aw, dammit, Randy! Hey, everybody. Just a friendly reminder to spank that like button, spank that subscribe button, and spank that- Spank me too! Get out of here, Randy!
Uh, medium-bound Dubai high blast, please. Make that two. Do you want a medium-mountain Dubai high? A medium-bound high blast, okay.
Yes, ma'am. That's $300. It takes so long here. |
dropout | troopers_holopad | That's dreadlord's answer, sir! There's been a prison break! What did you say? It all happened so fast! I can't hear people who aren't on my new holopad! What? Oh, come on. Me prison guards have been killed! Oh ho ho ho, that is just delightful. It's like you but blue and tiny. Sir, there is a dangerous candarian lizard monster running loose on level four! Look at me when addressing me! I need your order to deploy containment drones! Don't you think there are more pressing concerns? Like what?! Like the giant pencil in your head? You must be in agony! Sir!
Okay, fine. I'll conference dispatch in on the phone. Hollow phone. Okay, how do I do this?
Cake burn! Oh, sorry. Wrong number.
Actually, do you have BLTs? Oh, really? Well, what do you have?
It's okay. I have time. Read it to me.
Sir, I don't know how he got a gun, but he's a really good shot! Is this a new holopad? Yep. People are dying out there!
Guys, look at me. I'm a robot. I am a tiny robot dancing on the desk. Quick, bend over. Hey, have you seen my new desk toy? Hey, your darkness.
I sure hope there aren't any giant hands around. Giant hands? Why would there be...
Oh! Oh, no! It's that giant hand I was afraid of! Get off of there! Listen to me! Dread Lord, we have to do something!
Okay, jeez. Calling security. Carl, are you okay, buddy? Don't worry, I have a plan. Quick, private.
Squat into action position. Yes, sir! Now turn 90 degrees. Thrust with your hips. Lizard fucker! |
SaturdayNightLive | the_hitman_snl | Discipline. the key to doing any task well is discipline. And right now, that means waiting. the discipline of patience.
My heart rate is low. I achieved exactly eight hours and 21 minutes of sleep. And in six minutes, I will start phase two.
Downstairs. downstairs. Delivery. What? over East. Delivery. downstairs. I'll be right down. Interesting. It appears that my Ubereats is here. of course, that was the plan. to eat first. because if I don't eat, my hands get shaky. And if my. delivery. I arrived. yeah, yeah, yeah. okay, I'm coming. can you just give me like two minutes. downstairs. I am the throne. Delivery. I don't see you. where are you? downstairs. my friend is called delivery. I know, but what building are you in front of? Delivery.
I don't see you. you in the lobby? No, no, not yet. Oh, yeah, I see you. you have a little umbrella, two tiny dogs. No, man, I do not have an umbrella and two dogs. do you even have the right order? Okay, I'm looking down the street. I'm seeing a bunch of delivery guys. which one are you? the tall one. look, just leave the food outside and I'll find it. there are 8.3 million people in this city. if one is erased from. yes. hello? yes. You calling me? No, I didn't call you. you called me. You order Uberies?
I send you photo. this is what I am. You see? this is just a picture of you. Okay, you see me? I am the lobby. just go to the address that I put in the app.
Discipline. breathe. stick to the plan. And Pop goes the weasel.
Yeah, I'm here. Oh, I see you. Hello?
Deliberate. half a spaghetti. no kombucha. |
cracked | 37_people_watching_season_2_episode_4 | Hey, could I get a... whatever. Is it okay if I sit here? Yeah, for sure. How's... How's your evening? Alright, I guess. They say you should force yourself to get out of the house when you at least feel like being outside. So here I am at a bar for whatever reason. Yeah, for sure. It's good to, um, to get out there.
Hey, word beer. I thought I was the only one who liked that stuff. Oh, yeah. It used to be better. I literally want to time travel back 10 years and buy like 20 cases. Right?
Once they got bought out by whoever that was, that financial consortium thing, the actual beer got a hundred times worse overnight. I've always thought that, like, there should be a rule where if you buy a company, you have to change its name to that of the parent company, so you're not fooling anyone. Oh my god, exactly. Like, oh, go ahead and buy out the independent beer company, but now you have to sell Morton Fiscal Policy Association Pale Logger.
I know, like, here's some international tobacco resellers mayonnaise for your sandwich. That would be amazing. I'm sure they'd find some way around it, though. Oh, I know. Every company just renaming itself after its most popular brand, like, here comes Mama Italiano's old-fashioned cruise missile guidance systems, just like Grandma used to make. But at least my pasta sauce was unaffected. Yeah, for sure.
Oh my god, that's hilarious. Sorry, that was such a weird example. I quote-unquote dated this quote-unquote guy for a couple weeks, and he was obsessed with, like, intense military things.
It was pretty dark, actually. So it didn't work out, I guess? I mean, it worked out as well as these things usually do, ironically.
Sex with someone you're completely incompatible with is kind of disappointingly fun, but whatever. I don't know, do you believe in relationships, even? Everyone needs to have fun, but I feel like nobody believes more than that. It's even possible lately. It just becomes this thing where all the people around you either have super low expectations or they're the reason other people do. And then you date them, and then you give up, too. Oh my god, half the dates I go on are, like, boss fights from a video game. I'm not really looking for anything serious, just someone who could ceaselessly validate my existence.
I hate my job. This IPA is too hoppy.
I'm socially liberal, but I'm a fiscal conservative. I think I want a guitar.
What's the deal with gay pride parades? I thought there's no straight pride parades.
Plus, I've yet to acquire power, wisdom, and courage. Yeah, for sure it's tough. I guess I don't have that much experience, to be honest. But I can totally see what you mean, though. I'm sure that what everyone wants is that, like, depth of connection with another person. But it's hard, obviously. Yeah, it's just so hard not to get discouraged. You have to put everything out there to even have a chance at a connection. And then when that doesn't work a few times, maybe you only have so many chances before you can't even function in society. There's a factor. So many factors.
I love that. It's such a great word. I know. I say it all the time.
Why are you seven hours late for work?
Factors. I know I pissed off going to the dentist until I had entire mouth cancer, but there were many factors at play. Oh, my God. That's what my dating profile should be. Just what am I doing with my life? Factors. Yeah. So what does it actually say? Me? Oh, I don't know.
I only have one because I'm paranoid of just missing someone. Deleting it and then the exact perfect match logs on three seconds later. I'm always anxietying about that kind of stupid thing.
Oh, for sure. All those people you just miss and you don't even know about it, right? Yeah. I mean, there is a huge factor. I think we all have a huge scrapbook of all the misconnections that we couldn't even have known about. You know, here's Steve. He and I would have been sexually compatible in a way that neither of us knew existed, except we had no reason to know that, so we never messaged each other.
And here's Susan. Susan. She would have been the kind of best friend who runs toward you when you're ill while everyone else is running away, except I missed the bus she was on by two minutes and we never met. And here's Wendy.
She and I would have felt like we'd known each other our whole lives after 10 minutes and would have paid for each other's weddings, except she lives 20,000 miles away. And here's a picture of Barry. We were made for each other, except he was made 100 years too early in another country. He was super into terribly flawed chicks with my specific sense of humour. I mean, it would have been perfect, except for how impossible it is.
And I think we all have a huge list of those people that we can never know about. Yeah, for sure. I don't know. It's weird to think about, obviously, but I'm weird.
I love sci-fi and I'm like, maybe they'll invent a way to figure out exactly who you should be spending your time with, like figure out some way to quantify all the factors that determine compatibility and you enter the stats of everyone in the world into a giant computer database and it compares everyone and tells you down to the decimal place who you're a match with. This person would be your best friend and this person would be your ideal partner, just a huge list of where you can find your people and everyone is looking at the past, thinking, how the hell did we ever find anyone without it? That should seriously be a thing. That's an awesome idea, basically. And then I think, like, after decades of having that data, what if you go to use it and the person you match with actually did live 100 years ago?
Maybe it would just be frustrating. Well, unless, of course. They also invent time travel. Factors. Factors, yes. Would people do that, though?
Go live in the past or future because of another person? Can you imagine? I feel like if you did have time travel, then history, yeah, so I love sci-fi too, by the way, history would maybe just start to feel like one time period since you could go to any part of it. Different eras would just be like these weird countries where they don't have microwaves or flying cars or they haven't got the 50th James Bond movie yet.
Okay, I almost just said James Bond. There's a movie franchise.
Oh my God, like, how can something be shaken and also stirred? It's like, impossible, man. I don't know. I guess I don't think you could actually determine a perfect match, though. That's kind of the downfall of that little idea. There's just so much timing and stuff.
Is that person even ready for something? Do they have that kind of self-esteem? Or are they like me where if it's a bad month and someone compliments me, I literally get mad because I assume they're messing with me. I think we're all from different times, and I think if you think of maturity and confidence as kind of being in the future and anyone who has that shit is from the future, they and I really don't want to waste each other's time.
Yeah, sometimes it feels like the people who need friends the most can be the hardest to befriend. I was just going to say that. The worse you feel about yourself, the more you need people and the more you don't want to bother them. It's an impossible situation. Timing is such a factor, and maybe that time is years or your entire 20s. You can't always be friends with someone, even if you're super compatible. No computer can account for how someone feels when they're told that this person wants to be your friend.
Yeah, like usual, we invent something that should work perfectly, so we keep trying it, hoping it will, but it never actually does because not even data is perfect. Yeah, exactly. There's probably no data that can perfectly encompass the continuum of a single person.
Oh my God, I've given up on the future in advance. You'd never give up, though, if you magically knew in advance that a person was theoretically a perfect fit for you. You don't think so? Like, I have this one cousin. She went to this stupid culinary school that turned out to not be what she really wanted to do with her life, all that tuition for nothing, basically, but then she met one of her best friends at that school, so she actually thought it was completely worth the money.
If you could pay a few thousand to probably get a friend for life, you automatically would. If you had to relocate to another country but you knew you'd have a specific chance to find that depth of connection with another person that makes life worth living, wouldn't you? There's so much that keeps people apart five seconds or 500 years, so what's friendship worth? I feel like it's worth a lot. Yeah, if you knew for sure that someone could be your best friend, you'd try anything, even if it seemed impossible, even if you had reams of data on compatibility and went to approach them and it still wasn't working, even if there were factors. I think you'd try forever, basically. That's probably what friendship is worth, and I think people who need help making friends are worth the effort.
Yeah, this is some solid bar talk, by the way. Sorry, I have like one hour of social battery some days. I should head out before people start thinking I hate them. Fatigue bitchface should seriously be an entire year at med school. No, no, I totally get it.
I'm super shy, usually. Most conversations for me are like boss fights, the social boss fights, when you're trying to pick the exact right dialogue option to try and like, okay, sorry. Yeah, just rambling when you're trying to leave. I really enjoyed meeting you, though.
Do you? Yeah, you do. Take care, eh?
Wait, I know it's just bar talk, but this was kind of really fun. Did you maybe wanna hang out some time? I don't know, I just, yeah, could always use more friends. And you seem awesome, basically. I don't know how you ask someone to be your friend when you're adults. Do you wanna ride back some time?
Thanks. Sorry, this already isn't the answer you were hoping for.
As much as I'd like to, I honestly don't think I'm in a place where I can be a good enough friend right now. It's like sometimes I don't wanna rewatch my favorite shows because I know how much emotional involvement there's gonna be and my brain knows it needs to save that energy for other stuff. And I guess I feel that way about a lot of things right now. I have no idea how people have like 20 friends. Maybe if you're not crazy, it frees up a bunch of your mental energy. So yeah, it just, it feels horrible turning down friendship, but trust me, you're probably better off.
You sure? I don't care if you're not perfect. You've already been better company than most people I know. Sorry, I should go. This is a hard thing to talk about. Thanks, you seem like a seriously great person. It's just timing, I guess. Okay. Please, just think about it. I can't just give up. I'd love so much to be friends with you. Yeah, I'm sorry. That was just completely overboard. It's all right, I get it.
Hey, my name's Safra. It was good to meet you. All this time, and I never even told you my name.
It's Mal, kind of an unusual name, probably, but... Hey, I obviously love weird names.
Take care, eh? Me too. Always said the love was not enough. Always on you.
Even though we long to shut it off, now we choose the best of the best. And now we know there's nothing we can win enough.
Let it run, it's real.
I want it to be your life and something to be with you. I got nothing but time for soon and future. Hey, could I get a... Whatever. Is it okay if I sit here? Yeah, for sure. Hi, um, my name's Mal. I got nothing but time, so the future is mine. |
cracked | video_proof_that_aliens_exist_or_cnn_has_hit_rock_bottom | What did you see? I see a head. It looks like out of the corner of my eye some movement in the window.
That's all you're gonna show? One single frame? I guess it's not like CNN is gonna do some alien reenactment. So I did exactly that. I actually got my camera ready, got a magazine, and wanted to see if I could... That might be the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen on your show. I would have just given this all a long time ago, but the research isn't... Ooh, spoke too soon. What's the matter?
Couldn't get footage from Mac and me? You've seen the video? I have been at the video.
That's right, Larry. Tell us what you make of it. It's grainy, it's dark, there's a kind of a skull-shaped head that floats up, dark spaces for the eyes, and it's spooky. Wait, say that again. I think I'm getting an image. Skull-shaped head that floats up, dark spaces for the eyes, and it's spooky. It makes perfect sense.
Who else but someone from another planet would dress like the keyboard player for Wang Chung? But the question remains, is this a video of an alien? I don't know, I mean, and you know, you're a journalist. Whoa, I'd believe that this snuff film of a sock puppet is real, before I'd ever believe that Larry King is a journalist. You can travel here from outer space. Why are you peeking in the window of a guy in Denver? Why don't you come to Washington and talk to Bush? Yeah, please, Mr. Puppet Alien, would you? Someone has to do a decent interview of the president.
And I'm an avid exerciser, and I would recommend anybody who is 60 to exercise. You do it the first thing in the morning. No, I do it in the evening. Oh, you're a night exerciser. Evening.
That's hate by numbers. That's all. For now. |
CrackerMilk | we_re_starting_a_radio_show | And that was Timmy Tits with Riggy and the Boys and you're back on Crack Milk Radio with Cono, Elijah and Flipper. Yeah what's going on boys, it's me Flipper. Yeah good to see you Flipper.
I've been out in the surf. I'm a dolphin. Yeah. You know what they say about dolphins don't ya?
Big flippers. Big um. Two dicks. And we're going to be excited.
Get the fuck out of my studio.
You're an intern. You aren't worth shit yet.
You think you can just come to set, sit on that fucking chair. Set, this is a radio station. You think you can come to a fucking radio station, our radio station and sit on our fucking chairs?
Do you want to hear a knock knock joke? Guys I'm. Knock knock. Who's there?
Get the fuck out. Don't fucking look at Flipper for some fucking complimentation. Yeah don't look at Flipper. Get the fuck out. Don't make eye contact with Flipper.
And you're back to Cracker Mill Grader with Flipper, Elio and Connor. Been in the beach boys because I'm a dolphin. Turns out the local aquarium has been using its fish heads, it says here according to my um junkie article, as nipple tassels.
What? Ah well we're just going to open the line for some callers to come in and talk about that. Can I just say that doesn't sit right with me.
As a dolphin they should be for eating. Yeah and I'm sorry about that Flipper, but that's why we're going to open the line. I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't want to be controversial, but I think that fish heads should be for eating. Yeah that's not controversial at all. Hang on I don't want to be a, I don't want to be a controversial uh Colin, but I'm a dolphin and I think that fish heads, they should be for eating.
Oh my god, oh hang on we're getting a caller, a caller's coming in. Uh we've got a caller and what do you have to say about the issue there?
Uh hey guys it's just me, you uh took me off the radio station this morning um I was on my way back home after you kicked me off and a bus has hit me and like I'm lying on the floor here dying. Can I, can I, can I just say some words to you? Yeah mate absolutely. Hey, hey intern that I don't even know the fucking name of because I never fucking made eye contact with you, it's Flipper here. Can you fuck off you dog maggot cunt? I'm a dolphin. Flipper's having a meltdown mate, I'm sorry you're dying and you got hit by a bus. Yeah.
That's not really covered by insurance and we're not sorry, see ya babe, see ya babe. I hope he bleeds out. If he didn't get the fuck out sooner he wouldn't have gotten hit by a fucking bus.
Not my bus! Not my problem! I would have driven a bus into him and that's hard, I have Flippers.
Yeah. Well speaking of which, let's get the calls on the line talking about this fish head issue. Yeah yeah.
What are you doing? No worries mate, you go to the bathroom, no worries. I'm a dolphin. I um have depression. I've got a call coming in, it's from a caller, and hello, what do you have to say about the fish head issue? Hi my name's Frank, I just want to say I don't think it really is an issue, because I love fish heads and I love putting them on my nipples and I feel like we just get discriminated against all the time. No. Oh it sounds like you're going to have a bit of contention here with our resident dolphin Flipper. No. Frank, you've hit some nerves with me. I'm a dolphin, and I don't want to be controversial, okay, I just want to put it on the record, I don't want to be controversial with this, but I think the fish heads should be for eating.
Yeah, did you get that Frank? Did you get that in your little fucking head Frank? Yeah, hey hey hey, take it easy.
I just don't see why you should, um, yeah I just think it is a bit of a controversial issue and I just don't think Flippers should be, um, you know, telling people what they should do with their, what they shouldn't do with their bodies. I'm sorry, I don't, I specifically said I don't want to make it a controversial issue, but you've made it a controversial issue by saying that I'm saying it's controversial.
Okay, guys, guys, I'm sure we're both very reasonable people here, so can I just ask you a quick question? Hey, Flipper, can I ask Flipper a question actually? Yeah, what? What's the question?
What is your opinion on fucking fish heads? That's perfectly fine. I don't want to be controversial, but I think that fish heads should be for eating and fucking sometimes. Okay, I think I've always stood by that as my policy. My policy on fish heads is for eating and fucking.
I'm the dolphin. Okay, okay, he's hung up, but we're live on the air and you specifically told me- I'm heated.
You told me before the, before we aired this fucking show that you weren't going to fuck the fish heads. You weren't going to talk about it. You told me that wasn't a thing you were doing.
Well, hey, look man- I'm getting another caller. It's a heated issue. I've got another caller coming in.
What was, what happened? Um, and- I fuck fish heads. Hello? What's going on?
Um, he has you under your, his, uh, emergency contact. He's actually in a coma right now.
Hey, can I, can I get on the line with that? Yeah, yeah, no worries. Hey, hey doc. Uh, yes.
I'm a dolphin.
Pull the fucking plug. Pull the plug.
I don't have fins. I have fins. I don't have opposable thumbs.
Pull the fucking plug for me. We've actually already amputated most of his limbs. Uh, he's only got one little right, right hand at the moment and he's begging- Mate, honestly, save your, save your breath. Just pull the fucking plug. Smother him with a pillow.
Yeah, it doesn't matter. Look, if you want us to come down and do it ourselves, we're happy to, but like, yeah, just get it done. We don't really care.
I am sick of that intern. He's always coming in here, even when he's not in the room, he's calling in and making noise while we're trying to record on an audio format. It's honestly insulting. Fucking- Mate. You have a good one there, doc.
Hey, I'd like to bring up a hot issue. The hot issue I'd like to raise is that I'm really sick of these African warlords coming into this country and assimilating all of our children to become child soldiers. Okay, I don't, I don't think that is really happening. Is it flipper? No, it's a hot issue.
In 2012, a man named Joseph Kony came into Australia and he made all of the children in Australia turn into child soldiers.
I think you have been spending too much time at home, enjoying your own company and maybe playing with some illicit substances. And I think you've gone a bit haywire.
I'm a dolphin. I cannot physically eat those or I will die.
You know what? I've got more info on this hot issue. Yep, go ahead. So those child soldiers, you know what Joseph Kony is using to brainwash these child soldiers to make them child soldiers? No. What are they using? Call of Duty.
Okay. This is not a hot issue. This is no, no, no, no. Hang on. We are not going to do this. This is very close to getting into some other things. Okay. We're not going to look at conspiracy theories. Otherwise we're just going to go down a rabbit hole, aren't we? Hang on.
I'm a dolphin and I need to chuck a fat piss. We're just, and we're just going to play a new track called, um, my, my co my coworker's nose is fucking huge and just wash your ass. Wash your ass. I've got a caller calling in. I'll wash your ass. I'm just going to, I'm just going to answer the call. Wash your ass, please.
G'day. Yeah. Good. How's it going, mate? Oh yeah. Pretty good. How you going? Yeah. Good night. What's your name? Oh yeah. Pretty good. Hey, uh, what's going on? He's like, tell you what, you guys heard about Joseph Coney. Yeah. Our co co host flipper was getting into it. Yeah.
Flip is a big advocate in the anti Joseph Coney circle. Uh, so I come from that, that circle, right? I just, I just feel like this is sort of overdone. Like eight years ago we sort of handled Coney. Hmm.
No, no, no. He's back in full force, mate. So he's like, what he's done is he's got this company, right? He's got this company called Activision.
And what they've done is they've made a game called Warzone. I don't know. No, we're not going to let you on air, mate. Say that Warzone has made child soldiers. I have freedom of speech.
He's off the air.
We lost him there. I don't know. It must have been some technical difficulties or something.
Talking about Coney. Like it is such a... Oh, he's got another caller. I think it might be the same gentleman. Hello? Yeah.
So anyway, what I was saying is I fucking hate immigrants. I don't know.
Get off the line. Off the line.
No, no, no, no. We don't need any of that shit. All right. I think the conspiracy line should stay open. I'm just going to go take a leak. Okay. Yeah. Cool. No worries. I'm just going to go take a leak. Yeah. No worries. Okay, so we're just calling in.
I totally agree with him. And I think that personally...
Oh, hang on.
We got a call. Getting a caller. We got a caller.
Well, let's see who it is, hey? Yeah. Hello, you're on the air with Cracky Milk Radio. This is Flippa. You're speaking to you. I'm a dolphin. Yeah. Gidday. How's it going? I love the show and I'm a regular listener. And I just wanted to say that I've got a conspiracy theory that I've heard of. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. The little lesbian that sits on the Cracky Milk Radio show, the one with the long hair and the really big fucking nose. Yes. I'm looking right at him. He's actually an asset. Are you listening? Yep. He's actually an asset for the CIA. Okay? I'm telling you right now.
We got it. Interesting. We just got it.
Sorry.
The technical difficulties. I don't know what's happening there. Flippa, it's really curious to me that as this anonymous caller was exposing you as a potential CIA operative.
What's up guys? Hello my people's group. Hey, what's going on? Hey man.
I actually really believe that caller. I think that Elijah might be a CIA agent.
I don't know what you mean. Yeah. I think you're talking shit, dude. Well. Fair enough.
I'm a dolphin. That wraps up today's radio show, Elias and Flippa, and thanks very much. To all of our special patrons on there, thank you for supporting this. You are making this podcast happen right now. Come join me in the ocean. Yeah, because you're a bunch of dolphins. You're a bunch of dolphins. That... I'm a dolphin.
Always cleaning your fish tassel nipples. And remember. Make sure to fuck fish heads. Make sure to fuck your fish heads nice and early in the morning. |
SaturdayNightLive | dog_acting_school_commercial_snl | Is your dog hot and he knows it? has it cruised by on looks its entire life? Do you got your dog looking at itself in the mirror, but it sucks in its cheeks like this? Then your dog might be the perfect candidate for enter Stage Woof Acting School for dogs. Hi, I'm Jolanda Batista. and I'm Donna Colana Scapini. And our semi-accredited school offers acting training for canine cuties like this.
Get in here, Henry. Oh, boy. now, sure, sure. Oh, Henry. oh, oh, that's. Henry stood a little improv. Now, sure, Henry is the total package. winning smile, golden locks, and those big photogenic nuts. good looks, having everything. you know, casting directors wants to see emotional range. Watch. Henry, you just found out you have worms. Show me shock. All right, Henry, you're going to the vet to get clipped and they don't mean your nails. show me fear. you may have seen the trailer for that movie, Stray's. none of our dogs got the job. But, damn it, they got in the room.
Just like Coco here. Yes, Coco may not be classical beautiful, but she's dripping in sex appeal. Oh, is she ever? And she'll go full nude if the pay is right. she'll do it even if it's not. Look at those nips.
Looking for the dog that can pull off romantic comedy? Then look no further than Romeo. Yeah, Romeo's under contract Disney.
How? by learning our patented lady and the tramp technique. Watch. our instructors are ready to handle every aspect of your dog's career, from social media to head shots. And we can even cover up embarrassing scandals. Yeah, like if your dog is kinky and gets caught hooking up with a cat. Not convinced? Listen to this satisfied customer. this is my time. he has been taking classes here for years. in fact, you probably recognize him from the movie Moonlight, where he was walking by on the beach during the hand job scene. that was a fun set. Thank you, Dog Acting School.
Oh, did someone say accents? Take a look at this talented pooch. Biscuit de French. l'elise. I think that means the bark. we even teach puppies, like this little fella named Jellybean. Now, Jellybean. Jellybean just got cast in a movie where he plays an Alien that destroys Seattle. let's rehearse.
Go. Just go. Go, Go, Go. No, no. Destroy. Get in there.
Someone roll today, and in no time, your dog will be the next Clint Eastwood at Enter Stage Woof Acting School for Dogs. Thanks for watching. |
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