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SaturdayNightLive | myspace_saturday_night_live | What's up, everybody? I am pumped to welcome you to The Learning Annex's Myspace and you seminar. Today, we're going to help you guys set up a myspace page so that you can communicate with more than 6 million young people currently in the Myspace community. Ok, let's get started. huh, You know, this is a slightly older group than I was expecting. Well, I admit, I'm not here to start my own myspace page. my daughter is spending all of her time on it, so I thought I should see what all this hullabaloo was about. Ok, and the rest of you? What she said?
Fair enough. now, the first step in creating your Myspace page is to fill out your profile, things like your name, sex, and age. with the age thing, could my child put a different age than his actual age? Yeah, I guess they could. and Myspace doesn't have a way to police that? Not really.
So if my son was 45, he could say he was 15? your son is 45? I said, if he was 45. Hypothetical. Well, yeah, technically, you could say any age he wanted, but why would he do that?
Well, sometimes people from one age group feel more comfortable around people of another age group. Maybe he wants to put what age his soul is and not what age he actually is. Well, you know, I am always worried that my daughter and her friends are putting older ages, you know, so that they can seem more mature. Do you gentlemen have the same worries with your kids?
Yes. All right, you can also film things like your taste in music or favorite movies. this way, you can meet people with similar tastes. My goodness, this music my daughter listens to. I don't know how she listens to it. must be a generational thing. I have a question. yeah, go ahead. what kind of music does your daughter listen to? Oh, let's see, what is she? Oh, well, she listens to a lot of this band called Fall Out Boy.
Ok, now let's move on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, real quick.
Is Fall Out Boy one, two, or three words? Oh, I don't know. I found it, it's three words.
Another fun part of Myspace is picking out a screen name. And one common approach is to use some variation of your name in the year that you were born. So for instance, mine is Dj Danny 1979. it's a good way to give people a little more info on who you are. Well, I don't want to date myself, fellas, but you can call me Nancy 1966.
Nice work. All right, let's see what else we got here. Chadster 1991? 1,991 is my favorite number. Ok, well, Chad. my name is Larry. Ok, Larry, well, if you put 1991 in there, it might make people think you're 15. Well, that's a risk I'm trying to take. I really like the number. And what else we got?
How about over here? ninth grade Skater Boy. Skater boy was my fraternity nickname. spelled like the Avril Lavigne song? Yeah. And why does it say ninth grade if it was a fraternity nickname? Um, because I went to college early, like, uh, Dookie Hother.
All right, and what do we got here? Naughty Girl? Hot Stuff.
You know, I don't even want to hear your explanation, but you should know you're going to get a lot of teenage boys wanting to meet you. Oh, no, I don't want that. let me just, uh, fix that. I have a question. Yeah. let's say you meet someone on Myspace and want to arrange to meet them in person, Ok? like, maybe you're going to meet them at their house. What's your question? what's the best way to make sure the date line's not going to be there?
Ok, I'm just going to race through the rest of this. you're going to want to select an avatar, which is a visual representation of yourself. most people choose to use a picture of themselves. excuse me. I was recently in a car accident that severely altered my appearance. is it ok to use a picture of myself from before said accident? you can use anything you want. Again, Myspace doesn't really have a way to police that.
Excellent. just out of curiosity, what did you look like before the accident? Chad Michael Murray? you looked like Chad Michael Murray? before the accident, Yes, pretty much exactly like Chad Michael Murray. And what kind of accident was it? a severe one. I used to look like Ashley Parker Angel. I've been told I look like Jessica Alba. you know what? my son loves her.
Yes. excuse me. Oh, I actually think I left the lights on. I left his lights on.
How can I help you? Well, I'm here to teach a Community Policing class.
Do you know a room 904 is? Yeah, down the hall.
All right, thanks a lot. All right, thanks a lot. you should probably tell your daughter to stay off the internet. Yeah, that's a good idea. |
cracked | the_worst_afterlives_ever_imagined_in_movies_and_religions_the_cracked_podcast | Please welcome the Cracked Podcast Live! On my episode of the Cracked Podcast, my name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the Editor-in-Chief of Cracked. And joining me on stage over there, we have the head of Cracked Video.
He won't find out until the end of the show that he was secretly dead the whole time. Please welcome Daniel O'Brien! To my right, the star and writer of many a Cracked Video, my occasional co-host. Whoopi Goldberg lets him use her body to make love to Demi Moore. Which is weird, because he's not even a ghost. Please welcome Mr. Michael Swade! I knew I had the option, but I haven't availed myself of it yet. And joining us for the first time, he's a very funny comedian and artist who made an amazing graphic novel about 17 different possible afterlife scenarios called After You Die. Is that correct? He doesn't realize his whole life is a computer simulation we're all a part of, so everybody be cool. Please welcome Ramin Nazar!
Yeah, so we brought you to this comedy show to talk about death, specifically the afterlife. From a number of different perspectives, I'm going to ask everybody to design their own afterlife. You can use a specific pop culture afterlife, like you can do the painting Harry Potter afterlife, if you're unoriginal. You can do a mixture, you can be like, I really want the Ghostbusters afterlife because I want to live in the afterlife with the same clothes that I died in. There's so many better options for that. But then when I'm in the trap, I want it to be the afterlife from Heaven is for Real, the book about the kid coming back. But if you've seen the real Ghostbusters cartoon show, we go into the trap in an episode, and it's explicitly unpleasant. You don't want to be in the ghost trap. You were the master of your own afterlife here.
Also, Jack, I hate to do this, but if you followed up on Heaven is for Real, that kid's a liar. No, the other kid's a liar. All kids are liars.
We're going to ask what the worst movie afterlife is, I think we might have just talked about it. A movie that secretly takes place in the afterlife. We're going to talk about a Harvard study that found that the more a population believes in hell, the more prosperous their economy is. That's basically it. It's just a cool fact that I just said. You want to start with designing your perfect afterlife or talking about the worst pop culture afterlife? I'll design my perfect afterlife to get this train rolling.
I am for the singularity happening. If you make a robot that can make a robot that's better than the robot you made, robots are like done. They're gods instantly. I'm an optimist, so I choose to believe that they'll be like, do you want to become a robot? Rather than just crush us. If the skulls were getting crushed by the T-100s marching through the streets, I'd be like, that looks pretty dope. Can I join you guys? To whom do you think you're appealing? Do you think one of the robots would be like... Well, because they're clearly designed... I've told you this before, you have an incredibly stompable skull.
Like, if I'm a robot and I see that baby, I'm like, oh... If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that, my friend. But yeah, because the benefit of being in a robot body, and not just a robot body. Like, if it's possible to become a digital consciousness, and I personally believe it is because of all the evidence that everything that I am is just like the firing of electrical impulses. Then if that can be like on a floppy disk, I'm done, I'm set, I'm immortal. I get to see everything that happens in the history of mankind. I can change bodies whenever, only into robot bodies, admittedly. Or, I can be in the matrix of my own creation, and just like, basically I'm pitching I want to do Second Life.
Way better, when it's like much better than it is now. That was elaborate and well rendered. Thank you, Michael. We are out of time.
I have two pop culture touchstones that are similar, and I'm going to roll them into one with one as being more obscure. But it's my preference, and then I'll get to the more accessible one. Hi, I'm Daniel. This is what I'm like.
There's a book by Simon Rich, who's fantastic, and it's called What in God's Name. And it takes place in heaven, and heaven is very much like this office. Like, you just get jobs, and you sit there, and there are people who, like, the angels there are people who monitor. This person is, they have asked for this miracle. Let me see how I can accomplish that using just the natural world. Like, they never want God's presence to be felt.
That's the rule. So it's just like, how can I make these people fall in love? Alright, I can send a gust of wind there that blows that piece of paper, that gets this person over, that bumps them into that person. And then they fall in love, hopefully.
Just these miracles that you're trying to accomplish and never be seen. Which, A, is a very neat way to think about how, if you want to subscribe to the idea that there's another deity, it's a neat way to conceive of the way they operate. But why? Why would God be amelie? Well, here's the other reason that I like this world so much is that when we meet God in this world, there's like a head angel who's like, God, there's an earthquake that's happening in Somalia right now.
We really need you to do something about this. And he's like, hold on, hold on, hold on. God, it's really important. Hold on.
And he's watching TV, and it's a football player who's like, I just won the Super Bowl, I want to thank my family, and I couldn't have done this without God. And God is like, did you hear that? And that's a really like, I like that idea of God because if you believe in a God that is perfect, you can't help but be sad because bad things happen, we know this. But if I believe in a God whose best album was his first, which was Making the Earth, and then he's just sort of like, can I just be done now? Like, that's fine. I accept that as like, yeah, we're equals. And most world religions take as their first tenant that the God super cares that you worship them even though they're omnipotent and omniscient. The whole deal is to worship them.
So clearly, this is the kind of guy I'd be like, did you see Tim Tebow? Thank me the other day. He did that meal, that's for me. And he would be saying that around the water cooler to people who are like, we're just extensions of you, we know. You formed us to humble brag at us. Why, God?
But I also like that because I have been working since I was 15 years old steadily. I got my full time job at 21 and I've been doing the exact same job ever since. I'm a worker. It's what I do.
And I like the idea of heaven that like, oh, no, I died in that some kind of sex boat party thing. And then I go to heaven and they're like, your office is over there.
I'm like, great. Like, I just want to keep working. And if I can, the thought for a long time was I'm going to work myself until I'm dead. And now I can. And then some. I could just keep doing it. I just like having tasks and like accomplishing things and solving puzzles.
So the more accessible version that I like is it's less task driven, but Beetlejuice is a similar one where you die and thank you. You die and you can go through this bureaucratic afterlife stuff. But in general, like I don't know, like if I'm Gina Davis and Alec Baldwin who die in that movie and then like, oh, what happens now?
We get to still hang out in your house on Earth. You can talk to people now and you can interact with them and you don't have to work or or worry about bills. You're immortal now. It's the same deal. You're living the exact same house. But you just like you never get hungry and you never have any problems anymore. That seems like a fine like you have to love your house because that's you're stuck, man.
Like going out the front door is sandworms and crazy tremors. I think graboids. They're called. Also, what gives them the ability and Beetlejuice to come back to the real world?
Do they have unfinished business? Is it that old guy or like is everyone who's dead still in their house hanging out? I don't think everyone who's dead because there's that whole waiting room where you're allowed to process and move on to the afterlife. And move on to someplace. And they're just like, no, we're going to we met this girl. So we're going to like help her study and then like throw magic dance parties with dead football players. Those two characters I've instantly realized are the most fucking like uncurious, boring people ever to. They died and someone's like, I mean, if you wait in line for like an hour, you will get to know Eternal Paradise or whatever's next. The great mystery is someone said and they're like, we're going to hang at our house. There's a sad girl there.
So we have robot God, work God, incompetent God. Do you have all excited after robot God and now I'm a little bit down from home God.
But maybe if I was in your body experiencing home God, then it'll be good, which is something that I want to do in my version of it. I think I'm opting for like, you know, the Fiona Apple version. I just want to feel everything. And I don't really care where it comes from.
If robots do it and Kurzweil is right and he gets to go see his father again, because it seems like it's all just because he really wants to see his dad, which I love my dad. But I don't think I could even build a computer to try to see my dad again. Like, I would give up after just trying to make two transistors.
Mate, is that what they do? Yeah, that's how it works.
So I'm for the robot future because what it implies is absolute freedom, absolute control and unlimited time. Since because if you can you get your quantum computers thing, which is it's it's operating under Moore's law, which you all of course know that the computers are doubling in speed every two years. So that means that in 2037 or 2040, if Trump doesn't take over, assuming things are going to go at this rate or some other way, it's going to be absolute freedom and control. So you can, you know, you can eat donuts all day. You can have orgasms all day and eventually evolve out of entropy into love, such as your hat.
But that's also a problem because I wonder about the yeah, at the apex of technology, like as an arbitrary example, if it gets to a point where you can take a pill that fires all the neuroceptors, that make you feel like you're really satisfied and you saw a great movie. Is that the end of filmmaking? Do we just like and is there anything really wrong with a world where everyone lives their whole life in like a pod and they're perfectly happy and fine?
Is that dystopian or are we just afraid of? We're afraid of. We're afraid. We're afraid we're going to be the fat people from Wally, but we could be really in shape.
People that also get to run around and also not have to hang out with Wally and the dirt planet. Oh, yeah. No. When I think I've said this before, maybe not on record, but if I was on the Wally ship and we land, I'd be like, I'm fat. Like I can't dig and build stuff. I'm going back on the ship. I would just live in the rusted out whole of the right.
If you notice the end of the movie only had like 12 people actually digging. So most people were probably like tomorrow. Jeff Garland's character would come out and be like, this little robot's going to teach us how to plan.
I was like, no, I read books about plants. It's bullshit. It's boring.
I'm going to stay here. But does that even count as an afterlife? Like I said, it might be a cheating answer that you're like, well, I want to be immortal as a computer. Well, it would be the end of this life, right?
Yeah. I guess what most people fear is facing the dissolving of your identity, right? Right.
Which happens to me every night when I go to sleep. I don't know how it works for you guys. There's this book called Imagining 11 Dimensions by Rob Bryanton and he talks about each dimension up. It's a slice of the loaf of time. We're in this slice of now and the other slice of now. Oh, of course. Hocking's time loaf. We're all familiar. I'm going with the Afterlife and Bones the Crossroads video.
You just follow that dude around. He's got wings and he's really impressive looking. Easy. He is there.
There's a chunk of our very specific audience that was like, Bones? David Boreanaz? Yeah. No clue. That's an afterlife show? Such a timely reference. All right. So let's go worst afterlife, worst pop culture afterlife. Pop culture specifically?
I got some real shade to throw at the ancient Babylonians, my friend. No, fine. Let's have at it. But I could go. Well, I'm not going to go first this time because I'm being a dick.
I do feel like, and this might be cheating because there's a very clear heaven and hell that we can't see in Ghost, the movie Ghost, Ghost. So you can argue that the real afterlife is heaven or hell once you complete your thing. And then it's allegedly very great or very bad. But the one that we spend the most time with is the thing that literally happens afterlife.
So that's what I'm going to talk about. And we've got Patrick Swayze who's like, I've got an agenda. I've got to find my wife's killer and I got to get rid of him. Killer Swayze. Thank you very much. I'm Patrick Swayze. Oh, my God. Is that to me more? Yeah, it's me. And so he goes to be with her and avenge his murder. And the main other ghost that we know is Vincent.
The guy who looks like Stephen Wright? Yeah, the guy who looks like Stephen Wright.
He's just hanging out in a subway. Like, he wasn't going to do anything until Patrick was like, don't you... Like, I'm going to avenge my murder. Aren't you interested in that? No, I just hang out in a subway and give other ghosts a hard time. How boring must that be if that's like, yeah, this is my life now?
I have the same problem with that as I have with Jack Frost or anything where love is so powerful that you come back to life to fulfill your love. Because that either means that these two people have a love connection that no one else has ever experienced or like you can't. That's the only real love. It like got bowed to it and was like, death, I guess not. Love must transcend. Or there would just constantly be people taking the forms of objects and being like, I'm still into you, girl. Like, don't go. Let's make a vase, something.
I'm worried for a millennial audience that we talked about Ghost and Jack Frost. Oh, Jesus. Has anyone seen a movie? I was going to bring up Groundhog Day.
All right. That's a classic. That's a good one. Yeah.
I guess Groundhog Day is not that pleasant of a... There's the theory of Groundhog Day with Bill Murray and not Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Andy McDill. Not at all. Yeah.
So that one takes place in purgatory and he has to keep repeating the same day over and over again until he fixes it. But what horrible things do you think he did that they didn't show? What would you do? You would go purge a couple times just to see what that was like.
There's also something that the movie doesn't address because he lives the same day every single day until he does the perfect day. And then once he does the perfect day, everyone remembers everything that happened and they continue. So based on that, we have to assume that every previous day he lives, these aren't just figments of his imagination. They are, for the purposes of this day, alive and real.
So day three of him trying to ice sculpture, and he accidentally slides it into his leg and cuts it open and just like bleeds to death on Groundhog Day. All of these people are very like really experiencing this. There are a lot of people who's... In all of these days where like he's had a cranky day, he's ruined the days of everyone in this town who had to watch like, yeah, some weatherman took our Groundhog and drove off a cliff. What happens now?
We do have that one shot where Chris Elliott like sees his dead body and he's like Jesus or something. Which means the pocket timelines persist after his death. They keep going midnight. Or he's just like lying there being dead the whole time, which sucks. That's dedication to killing yourself.
But there's also... There was an attempt online once to add up all the time that he lived. And this is what's creepy about that and equally creepy about any vampire thing, especially Twilight. It doesn't matter what you look like physically if your brain has lived 10,000 years of history. It's creepy that you're with a 17-year-old girl. Cracked is the one who will do the estimate how many days do we think he was actually alive and we'll do all this math and we'll work really hard and we'll come up with 40 years or 10,000 years, whatever it is.
And we play by our rules of logic that we think are honoring the movie rules. And then Harold Ramis came out and was like, what? No, it's three. And then we just have to accept that because he's God of this movie universe.
I think the worst afterlife is The Lion King. Because when he explains the circle of life, it's just basically you become energy for lions and then get shit out. That's what the circle of life is. It's just because it's from his perspective. It sounds great, but it's like, yeah, we still get eaten. There's no... And I love that. You get to go become a storm cloud. That's the part that gets left out that's like, oh, the antelopes eat the grass and then they die, they become grass at the circle of life. And Simba didn't go, even us, dad? No, we're lions. I become a cloud god and I tell you what to do when you're lost. We're not antelopes or grass, those losers. But I also love the idea of an antelope having that talk with their kid and they're like, one day, my child, you will be tackled and eviscerated while you're alive. But other unrelated antelope will eat grass that is in a small, intangible way connected to the death of our oppressors. It's the circle of life.
But Ghostbusters is the only one where when you die, you might look like how you die, Beetlejuice style, or just be a green booker, or be a Muppet version of the person you were in life. And you sometimes exude slime and sometimes don't and the humans literally fucking hate you and have a war like a genocide against you. Which, how are these humans so short-sighted to find out proof that the afterlife exists and be like, let's take them out. They're like, oh, this is what will one day happen to all of us when we die. Let's get them. I'm really curious what happens, what's the in-between because we've established that there's no ghosts who are like, I'm dead. Oh, but I'm still around? No, they're all very clear.
I'm going to just hang out. I'm going to watch stuff. I've never been to Europe. Let's go. Let's walk across the ocean.
Something happened after they died. Someone whispers like, it's all the matrix. Just go nuts. And that's why every single ghost is fucking crazy. They all want to terrorize.
Why does Shia LaBeouf and Transformers go to robot heaven? I don't think those movies are written very well, Jeff. Oh, okay. How about you, Michael? What's your worst pop culture afterlife?
I chose the pop culture touchstone of ancient Babylon and their rich mythology. My favorite movie. I'm going to mention two cultural ones that are just very interesting to me.
First of all, the Mayan religion, just a tiny single point of it, which was that it's believed now that there was a sport called Pakatak, which the captain of the winning team would be killed and his spirit supposedly was immediately like in heaven with God, like the best situation possible. So it would be like if after the Super Bowl, we like drowned them all and we're like, good job, guys. You're with God now. I've got to feel like the reason those games were going on for three days is because people are like, oh, no, you scored on us. You're so good at this game. They're just like, you guys want to go out of 21 actually? I know I said 15. Let's keep this going. And then in Babylonian mythology, their envisioning of afterlife was literally intended satirically, which is an amazing concept to me to be like, oh, yeah, we believe in God. And that's the official religion of your country. You know, our hell is, or our conception of hell that a lot of Americans believe in. If you do bad things, you burn forever. And that apparently was not an idea. It took people a long time to get to that. Before people were like, yeah, but then there's a game of tic-tac-toe and then you have to make it through this physical challenge and that's only level one. And so why would you behave well? It's Calvin Ball for like 4,000 years. And the Egyptians are the ultimate.
They got to the point where you're physically being buried with like point-and-click adventure style items that they hope will be useful when you face the challenges in the afterlife. You're like, oh, it's getting dark. Throw a Leatherman multi-tool in here.
You know, you never know. They've asked a bunch of questions over the years of what people think heaven will be like, who believe firmly in heaven. And it's pretty interesting. Only 4% believe there will be sex in heaven. The play is in heaven, I don't understand. I'm going to say, wow, interesting poll. 96% of people are liars. Maybe they're just cutting straight to the orgasm part and they don't want to mess with all the mechanics. Another thing I think super telling about American spirit especially is at every time since they started doing this poll, way more people are sure that they personally will get into heaven versus the proportion number of people they think will get into heaven in the world. So they're like, how many people get into heaven? And you're like, oh, it's ritzy. I don't know, like 14%.
Are you going? Oh, I'm great. I'm good. Of course, I'm going.
It would be such a bummer if it's like a Casper Rules where it's early 90s Devonsawa, a hunk as far as those standards go. And then he dies and becomes this like legless, wienerless, bald, white blob, which is closed ground. I was like, no, no, no, no, this is not representative of the thing I had going before. Dwayne the Blob Johnson is not going to cut it. Let's move on to movies that secretly take place in the afterlife. This is a bummer.
It's the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Ranger movie to me. It's like fully like... You mean the cute stop-motion one? Yes, that one.
He's like, he's born with this deformity. His family abandons him and like Santa Claus, who might as well be God. And that is like, no, I have no use for you, little one. And then he goes on a journey. He gets kicked out of that town. He dies of hypothermia.
Everything that we see is just like him like, wouldn't it be great if I came back and saved the day and my nose was the thing that everyone loved? And then Clarice loved me. And then the Abominable Snowman was good too.
It's just too wrapped up neatly in a bow. Hashtag Christmas joke. For it to be anything other than like his like gasping dying wish. We're making him stand too long, aren't we?
Or are we supposed to get to that? No, no, no, no. This is a power plug. That is not your place to say. Oh, crap. This is your podcast. So let's get started.
Hi, I'm Graham. Hi, Graham.
So in terms of fictional afterlives, that would be kind of rad. Any comic book universe afterlife?
Because you may die, but you're not going to stay dead. I mean, you're obviously going to come back and you'll probably be stronger. Unless you're like Batman's parents, in which case you'll just be motivation for him to be cool. I do want like one issue where his parents show up and they're like, no, we were in the hospital. Didn't Alfred tell you?
And he's like, uh, oh, okay, yeah, all right. Never mind.
What do you guys want to... Let's catch you up on movies, I guess. Hi, my name's Angela.
And I think one of the worst afterlife situations in pop culture would be lost if that is the afterlife. Maybe that's up to debate. But if that's purgatory, that seems super, super terrible that you would die, be stuck with the people that you died with, and then also there's monsters and you have to survive.
I'm so sorry. I have to, in the spirit of... You have to be Cody Johnson. Let the spirit of Cody Johnson take over me and tell everyone what did happen.
Everything that happened on the island happened. Everything that happened on the mainland happened.
The only thing that was purgatory was the sideways universe and the church stuff at the end. Those are the things, and the reason they exist is because you didn't just form it with the people that you died with. You formed this world with all the people who were the most important to you in the world.
That's why Jack is there with Kate and with his son in some weird piano recital world. Piano recital world?
Also, we do know what kind of heaven it is. A man named Christian Shepherd ushers them through golden archways. It's not like the heaven of the Quran, you know what I mean?
Hello, I'm Richard. Hey, Richard. Hi, Richard.
My best afterlife... You mentioned Casper, the 1990 movie, Casper earlier. I'd say that because it seems like as long as you have some minor form of unfinished business, you become a cartoon character and you can turn into things, and you're a mortal. Yeah, they can possess people, and there are no consequences, and no one has the actual power to exercise them. They even bring in Father Sarducci, and he comes in and he's like, no, I can't do it. The ghosts are too strong. And the ghosts are the strongest thing in the world, and it's clear that stinky, fat someone helped me out.
Stretch? Yeah, stretch.
They have no interest in leaving, so they're just going to keep hanging out forever. There's no way that those three guys died and were exactly like that.
I like that God has a sense of comedic symmetry, where he's like, if you're all going to be amorphous blobs, you need identifying fit. You wear a bow tie and you're tall. We call you Stretch. I was a surgeon, sir. My name was Alphonse. Stretch, you're tall.
Hey, I'm James. Hi, James.
You're our last guest. Oh, man. The other room is empty, isn't it? Yeah.
So there was this show. I don't know if anybody saw it. I think it was a canceled pilot called Babylon Fields. It came out in about 2007 or so.
Zombie show. Zombie show, but it was a weird zombie show in that just one day, everyone who's ever died just kind of wakes up and goes back to their lives as if nothing happened. Do they rot? Are they gray like zombies? Yeah, they're rejuvenated. They're fully zombies, and the idea of a real cop procedural is a fine enough idea. But just to give you some context of the bar that this show was hitting, there was a B-plot in the first episode about a zombie who was like, you know I'm a zombie, but I've got a boner all the time now.
I don't know what to do about it. It was a drama procedural. And it was canceled after one episode. So he's like, you need to find my murderer. Why?
Everything's fine now. You're alive. Are you still mad about that? Nothing can bring you back to the way I'm talking to you. Never mind. Yeah. Confront your murderer. You killed me. Well, you turned out fine.
I don't know. Do they all still have to eat brains, or is that an ignorant thing to say about zombie? I don't know.
That's straight up racist stereotype.
All right. I think that's the time we have. Thanks. That's the time we have. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Thank you everybody who participated. Thanks.
Are we supposed to get to that? No, no, no, no. This is a power plant. That is not your place to say. Oh, crap. This is your podcast. Let's get started.
Hi, I'm Graham. Hi, Graham.
So in terms of fictional afterlives that would be kind of rough, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, in terms of fictional afterlives that would be kind of rad. Any comic book universe after life? Because you may die, but you're not going to stay dead. I mean, you're obviously going to come back and you'll probably be stronger. Unless you're, like, Batman's parents in which case you'll just be motivation for him to be cool. I do want, like, one issue where his parents show up and they're like, no, we were in the hospital.
Didn't Alfred tell you? He's like, uh, oh, okay, yeah, alright. Never mind. What do you guys want to... Let's catch you on movies... I guess.
Hi, uh, my name's Angela. My name's Angela, and I think one of the worst afterlife situations in pop culture would be lost, if that is the afterlife.
Maybe that's up to debate, but if that's purgatory, that seems super, super terrible, that you would die, be stuck with the people that you died with, and then also there's monsters, and you have to survive. I'm so sorry, I have to, in the spirit of this episode, let the spirit of Cody Johnson take over me, and tell everyone what did happen. Everything that happened on the island happened. Everything that happened on the mainland happened. The only thing that was purgatory was the sideways universe, and the church stuff at the end. Those are the things, and the reason they exist is because you didn't just form it with the people that you died with, you formed this world with all the people who were the most important to you in the world.
That's why Jack is there with Kate, and with his son, in some weird, like, piano recital world. Piano recital world? That's awful.
Also, we do know what kind of heaven it is. A man named Christian Shepherd ushers them through golden archways. It's not like the heaven of the Quran, you know what I mean?
Hello, I'm Richard. Hey, Richard.
My best afterlife, you mentioned Casper, the 1990 movie Casper earlier. I'd say that because it seems like as long as you have some minor form of unfinished business, you become a cartoon character, and you can turn into things, and you're immortal. You do, yeah, they can possess people, and there are no consequences, and no one has the actual power to exercise them. They even bring in Father Sarducci, and he comes in and he's like, no, I can't do it. The ghosts are too strong, and the ghosts are the strongest thing in the world, and it's clear that stinky fats that one helped me out stretch. Yeah, stretch, yeah. They have no interest in leaving, so they're just gonna keep hanging out forever. There's no way that those three guys died and were exactly like that. I like that God has a sense of comedic symmetry, where he's like, if you're all gonna be amorphous blobs, you need identifying fit.
You wear a bow tie, and you're tall, and we call you Stretch. I was a surgeon, sir. My name was Alphonse. It's Stretch, you're tall.
Hey, I'm James. Hey, James.
You're our last guest. Oh, man. The other room is empty, isn't it?
So there was this show, I don't know if anybody saw it, I think it was a canceled pilot called Babylon Fields. It came out in about 2007 or so. Zombie show. Zombie show, but it was a weird zombie show, in that just one day, everyone who's ever died just kind of wakes up and goes back to their lives as if nothing happened.
Do they rot? Like, are they gray? Like zombies? Yeah, they're rejuvenated. They're fully zombies, and like, the idea of a zombie cop, real cop procedural is a fine enough idea, but just to give you some context of sort of the bar that this show was hitting, there was like a B-plot in the first episode about a zombie who was like, you know I'm a zombie, but like, I've got a boner all the time now, I don't know what to do about it.
And it was canceled after one episode.
So he's like, we need, you need to find my murderer. Like why? Like everything's fine now. You're alive. Are you still mad about that? Look, nothing can bring you back to, wait, I'm talking to you. Nevermind. Yeah, like, confront your murderer. You killed me. Yeah, well, you turned out fine. I don't know. Do they also have to eat brains, or is that like an ignorant thing to say about zombies?
That's straight up racist. Straight up. All right. I think that's all the time we have.
Thank you guys so much for coming out. Thank you everybody who participated. Thanks. |
TheOnion | GOP_Trying_To_Keep_Elderly_Voting_Base_Alive_Until_November | The Romney campaign this week rolled out what analysts say is a crucial strategy to winning the White House, attempting to keep as many members of their geriatric voting base alive until election day.
With more, we're joined by Piper Cahill. Hi, Andrea. Hi there, Piper.
So, data shows a large percentage of Republicans are 60 and older, obviously in a tight race like this. Keeping those voters breathing until they're able to cast their ballots could make or break Romney's campaign. That's right, and that's why Romney is getting out there at nursing homes and retirement communities and telling these folks, look, I need you to just not die for a couple more months. But Piper, it's an uphill battle in a lot of cases. Much of the Republican base is extremely old and feeble. Death would be a relief for them. It would, that's true. And that's why Romney is working so hard right now to get out that message that if his supporters have clung to life this long against all odds, it would be a shame to let their bodies go now, so close to the election.
Well, I mean, that's what we've been seeing in his new campaign ads. Here's one that started playing in Florida this morning. Now, of course, they're not just running these ads.
Well, a hospice in Ohio claims GOP staffers have been giving their elderly patients injections of steroids against their will, specifically racehorse steroids. OK, but Ohio is a swing state, Andrea.
They have to use extra steps there, obviously. Well, that's true. Fair is fair. And I suppose Romney campaign workers will be using gurneys to wheel dying elderly residents to voting booths like they did in the Florida primaries. Of course. OK, but some critics suggest these elderly people would rather be spending their final moments with their families. But Romney is encouraging them to do just that. Good. Romney has been calling for voting centers to create booths large enough to accommodate a hospital bed, a nurse, up to six family members, so everyone can vote together as a family. In a few cases, funeral homes have actually been used as polling stations, so you can go directly from the voting booth to the casket. Interesting. Now, Piper, is there any chance that these elderly voters Romney's keeping alive could actually end up voting for Obama instead?
The black candidate? No, no, no. OK. Well, all right, Piper, thank you so much for being with us. When we return, we'll talk about reports that presidential candidate Ron Paul is hiding somewhere in the White House. |
TheOnion | tough_season_championship_season_1_ep_8_brought_to_you_by_lenovo | Previously on Tough Season, Brad learned that the notorious owner nobody had ever met was Zach, his boss's 13-year-old son. May the best man please. The championship, an undefeated juggernaut versus an unexpected challenger. No game has ever held this level of significance in fantasy football or any other sport. Before the game is even played, however, Brad is faced with a daunting challenge.
You got a problem, coach? What is it?
Well, Zach's team has Fitzgerald's NFL QB from the Cardinals. Yeah, huh? Well, any points Fitzgerald gets for you also gives points to Zach.
No good solution here. You can bench him, hope for the best, or play him and hope for the best. No, this is simple. I've got the perfect plan.
Every time he throws Larry the ball, he catches it. And then Larry fumbles it. Tell him to fumble and then pick it back up. After he picks it up, he runs real fast and gets a touchdown.
Those count as rushing yards. Bingo, buddy. He'll get a ton of points and Zach's QB will get nothing. Oh, if this somehow works, that'll be some of the finest fantasy coaching I've ever seen. We're talking fantasy coach of the year here. Too bad Fitzgerald wouldn't do that. Sometimes the best way to motivate your team before a big game is to let them motivate themselves. Brad Meredith Blevins, head coach. Gentlemen, your captain, QB number one, Andrew Luck.
Look guys, some people might say we're not a real team because we're never actually on the field together. Sometimes we even play against one another and a lot of us have never met. But you know what? It sure as shrimp feels like we're a real team. We work all year, 100% for fantasy football, so that our coach who doesn't know us can benefit from our talent and feel like he's somehow smarter and better than his friends and coworkers.
This is what we work for, one goal, so Brad can get points and get that little trophy. Now let's go out there and win the championship because the kid we're playing against is 13 and I'm not losing it all to a child. Not again! She said her first word today, playoffs. Just like daddy.
The matchup is as tense as expected. A high-octane fight to the finish as fans watch their favorite players' stats grind it out for the entirety of Sunday afternoon. But after most of the games have been played, huge giant robots has a sizable lead.
I dug deep, Gus. I really did. I left it all on the field.
Don't blame yourself, coach. I'm not. But a huge gain from an unexpected player turns the tide in Brad's favor. You're not out of it. I mean, don't forget you still have Mason.
Who? Brad's kicker Mason Crosby does the impossible, kicking four field goals and throwing a 30-yard touchdown on a trick play, handing Brad the championship. What a trophy! You won it for me, Mason Crosby! Coach knows my name! You did it! A trophy! This is amazing!
Oh, awesome. The Anderson's call that we can have their lake house. Is that? Yeah.
Just a watermelon surprise. After climbing to the summit of victory and achieving athletic immortality, everyone is having tons of fun and eating pizza. I mean, I've never been prouder of myself and of my players and of myself. I mean, we're getting four different pizzas!
Yeah! We can all get our favorite toppings! Yeah! That's right! Dig in! Woo!
We worked hard our year to help Brad beat that guy he doesn't like and that kid that he doesn't know. To go from the waiver shed to fantasy champion is such a good feeling. I mean, I've had a lot of success in college on the pros, but nothing compares to this.
We did it! Four pizzas! Wow! I heard those guys got pizza.
That's pretty cool. Good thing I left room for one more tattoo. League chance, baby! Winning was amazing for me. I didn't have to come to terms with any of my flaws or learn anything about what was important. I just won, so everything's okay. And really, it was just a bunch of luck. And that's awesome. |
dropout | dora_the_explorer_and_the_destiny_medallion_part_3 | Don't look at me like that Dora. You know how tough exploring can be. You quit the game, so I found Some help. There's a difference between exploring and swiping Diego. You used to know that Is anyone else afraid of the grumpy old troll? Yes, okay. I am goodbye Look when I was asking it if you leave I shoot you okay Welcome I am the grumpy old troll the guardian of this temple Answer my riddle and I will reveal to you the location of the destiny medallions final half Don't mess this up Dora otherwise the monkey Gets it This thing all things devours birds beasts trees flowers Slays King ruins town and beats high mountains now What is it? Google the answer to that riddle googling answer time No fair. You're not stupid Google. You know it's like Also, you stole it from the hobbit Nice going back back Dora run away with me. We answered your riddle troll Now where's the other half of the destiny medallion? You've already found the other half of the destiny medallion. It's inside It's the Lessons you've learned along the way for truly isn't education the great.
Hey, what's that in your hand? What's that? What is that inside your hand? This?
No, you're clearly holding the medallion. No, you're going to keep it for yourself. It's mine. You'll never take it from me No Oh You pull that girl beyond sure what's the only thing holding this temple together?
We're all gonna die here now fair enough you first I'm gonna kill this monkey. Oh Man Oh Just go I want to live like this Adios amigo Hell of a way to come out of retirement hob boots Dora where have you been? It's dinnertime. We're having fish sticks. Oh sweet Oh If you're not watching this on college humor calm Then you're missing out on the funniest videos pictures and articles since the invention of the internet in 1994 |
SaturdayNightLive | ramy_youssef_shares_why_he_s_thrilled_to_host_saturday_night_live | Hey, I'm Rami Yousif, and I am honored to be the first ever Arab host of Saturday Night Live. Oh, hey, man.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but you're actually not the first to host. Okay. that's embarrassing. All right. sorry. thank you for the feedback.
Yeah, just do it again.
I'm thrilled to be the first ever Egyptian host of Saturday Night Live. Ooh. really? you're not the first Egyptian host either.
Let me go again. Okay.
I am thrilled to be the first ever Egyptian host named Rami to host Saturday Night Live.
No. Rami Malek. F*** me. Whatever, man. whatever.
Who cares? being first, it's dumb. Anyway. it doesn't matter who's first. it just matters that there's room for all of us, right? that's what diversity is.
Yes. Remember that. just do it from the heart. Yeah. okay. my name's Rami Yousif, and I'm just thrilled to be hosting Saturday Night Live as the first ever Egyptian named Rami from New Jersey. from Jersey? Yeah. Love Jersey, man. it's always Jersey. you know, Jersey's been voted the most beautiful state in the country. All right. Who said that? |
dropout | the_straightest_dude_ever | Hey, sorry, I'm late. No worries. Thanks for coming.
Oh, yeah, of course by the way, I brought my friend John. That's okay What do you have to bring John who's John he's one of those straight guys that's always shoving it in your face He's flaming straight Ooh, what's up guys? Cool party. You need me to fix your fuse box. Nope John fuse box is fine Just try to enjoy yourself Yeah, don't nut-tap me no homo you guys want beer yeah, I'll take a beer oh It's warm guys got lighter you smoke no See the game last night what game is baseball, but that was just what oh Man, that guy's so strange.
He doesn't even finish conversations properly. Okay, but don't you think he's acting just a little bit too straight I mean look I don't have a problem with it But some people do does he have to wipe his hands on his pants that a straight guy thing Yeah straight is the 40 yard line. I was like doing rap arms, but he's not even wrapped it Oh, I bet he freestyles though scratch in the back of his head a lot. He looks like maybe he's hurt It's so straight man. I've always wanted like a super straight friend. You know, I mean, it's pretty fun He smells like shit all the time. What about me? She's pretending the drum sets right in front of a classic straight guy move It's rockin Whoa nice sunglasses got him out of gas station cool You got a letter no Fuck whoa He's as straight as a long piece of dried spaghetti Zach I didn't know your friend John was straight. Okay, how can you tell he's straight? He's got that like straight voice like a not gay James Dean James Dean was gay Yeah, really big-time gay really? I don't know Your studs here if you want to hang something I'm straight too. You know, I just don't feel like flaunting it. Okay, rough. That's coming on a little bit too strong See, he's just straight straight as a boomerang that doesn't function properly because it's so straight if he puts his hands down his pants I bet he's the type to really take charge in the bedroom I really want him to tell me how to look dress think and feel he's a jerk.
I know he's checking out the TV He's checking out the TV Panasonic yeah, it's a Panasonic.
Okay.
What is that good bad Panasonic? What?
Yo, chill out man Got a lighter you already asked me that look you're straight. Okay, we all know that there was never a doubt in our minds You're straight. You don't have to shove it in our faces all the time. Okay, it's too much That's not even straight. That's gay as hell. What are you doing? You know if I could get real for a sec, I know a lot of people don't accept me because I'm so straight But you know what I may know how to fix a light switch But I ain't one I can't turn off my straightness Yeah I'm straight I'm straight Love it or leave it. |
cracked | crazy_behind_the_scenes_stories_of_classic_films_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and you've probably heard about classic movies that were legendary disasters behind the scenes. Jaws' mechanical shark was famously a fake-looking, lazy-ass...
Here it comes! The shark is coming! That's right.
Old and stupid. Apocalypse Now's shoot was an over-budget nightmare that was scheduled to go six weeks, took 68.
We know those stories because they fit the overall legend of the movies they're used to publicize. But that's not always the case. For instance, The Godfather. May featured the greatest film actors of the 50s through 70s, but one of them refused to remember his lines. During one of the most emotionally wrenching scenes, the actor portraying the movie's most emotional reaction shot was holding a sandwich just outside a frame that he would take bites of in between sobbing. Now all the actors looked up to Brando, which is a shame because he was the actor in every single one of those anecdotes. How do you keep Al Pacino, James Com, Robert Duvall focused when the guy who made the one-to-be actors in the first place refuses to even read the script and makes them hold cue cards up in scenes they share with him? Okay, so just to recap, Marlon Brando communicated by punching his fist and grunting. Like Tucco's uncle with the bell, if he were played by a trained seal. Now that may seem less Homer Simpson funny-stupid than Lenny from Of Mice and Men risk to himself and others stupid, but Duvall knows what story they really want him to tell.
And it's also horrifying. Effect's heavy action movies are obviously less exciting behind the scenes, but I was a little surprised at how much more creepy the most famous romance ever filmed becomes without CGI. Minus the orchestral swell and the computer-animated ocean racing past below, Titanic's million dollar shot looks surprisingly like someone being cornered by a pervert on a piece of farm equipment and dry-humped to completion. Was that scene in the movie, Leo just all up on his Italian buddy like that? Eh, it was a simpler time. Of course, he can't judge behind-the-scenes footage that doesn't contain the legendary on-screen relationship between Rose and Jeremy Sisto. Wow, Jack and Rose's love story doesn't work at all when I don't want to f*** both of them. Titanic was famous for being hard on the actors who had to perform in cold, dark, wet conditions.
Also, sometimes James Cameron would just awkwardly stare at the side of your face. At least that's what I like to imagine. Like that's the full audio all the way turned up and Cameron's just silently mouthing the lyrics to My Heart Will Go On with slight alterations. Like, you know when two people are whispering and you can only hear the S's and there are like way too many S's? Anyways, the shoot had clearly driven Kate Winslet insane by the time they shot the dance scene.
I just had a blast. It wasn't about water. It wasn't about anything else that had anything to do with the film. It was just fun and silly. And I got to be relaxed.
What do you call it? Dance sting? How wonderfully mad. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. That's my Kate Winslet. Imagine how much she's going to like it when she finds out it's usually done to music. Must be hard to have that much fun in a room that sounds like Nazis marching into town undercover of night. Don't think.
The making of Star Wars Episode I should be shown to every successful filmmaker and second term president as an example of how not to handle success. You almost feel bad for him as he calls Jar Jar Binks the key to all of this. Jar Jar is the key to all of this. Because he's a funnier character than we've ever had. Then you see him show the actor how Jar Jar should move his arms and you don't feel bad anymore. But mostly you feel sorry for the people around him, quietly smiling as he hands down orders.
And none of them seem to realize that's not how anyone acted on the set of the original Star Wars. Harrison Ford was like, dude, you call these scripts? You can't read this s***. He had to be convinced not to make C-3PO an oily car salesman type. By one of the actors, he was trying to hire to replace Anthony Daniels' voice with voice-over. Anyone who's seen the behind the scenes footage of Darth Vader before James Earl Jones' voice knows how close that movie was to completely suck.
You are part of the ripple alliance and a traitor. Take her away.
But the message Lucas took away from that first movie was not how lucky he was to have all those talented people saving him from all the horrible decisions he wanted to make, but rather how much he should take all the credit for Star Wars everything. Here he is before the making of Episode I. The directors, because they are very much like their movies. Now, compare that with his frame of mind in 1977 before making the original Star Wars trilogy, where he spends most of his time being mad at how much input other people have. Aesthetic directorial writing decisions, which they have really no business making.
He also has no idea how to pronounce the names of things that he himself invented. For instance, here's how he pronounces THX, his first movie. My first sex was really a visual exercise. What the f***? That's how my mom would pronounce it, too. So yes, f*** the man totally.
But also maybe thank him for stopping George Lucas from f***ing up Episode 4-6 of Star Wars. Michael Bay shoots are insane without a single effect. Here he and his effects crew can be seen accidentally throwing a car into a building. It's not like someone could have been in that building, right? Apparently they just show up on the day and catapult whatever Michael Bay wants through the sky. Man, Michael Bay is living the dream.
Of a pretty stupid 12-year-old boy.
When The Passion of the Christ came out, the media made room for only two camps. The pro-Christian, this movie is exactly right, exactly as it happened camp. And the anti-Christian, this movie is offensive. Christianity is nonsense. Mel Gibson is crazy camp. This made it easy to miss what I think is pretty clear evidence that, if a Christian God exists, he's not a fan.
I don't know if you've ever experienced a sunburn at all, but you know when you go through that healing stage of itching. After Mel Gibson takes way too much pleasure in whipping a life-size model of Jesus, we're treated to a series of tone-deaf complaints by the actor playing Jesus about how much he suffered while pretending to be crucified. On the cross, I had to stay in a position for eight, nine minutes. If there's a Christian God, does he have any idea how much it would piss him off to hear someone complain that it was cold up on the cross he was fake-nailed to and that the heater chemicals made him sick to his tummy? The gas heaters, to keep you warm, had gas coming out of it, and I was very sick from them.
Well, God was like, if you don't know. And I knew it. I said, I'm going to get struck by lightning. And sure enough, now you know.
The moment it hit, I heard people scream, and a couple of guys before me grabbed the ground. And what they saw was like fire coming out of the right and left side of my head. I think I'd heard he was struck by lightning, but I had no idea he had spent the previous 30 minutes basically winning the championship title belt for wagging his dick at God.
Hey, guys. Thanks for watching that episode. If you know of any other great behind-the-scenes stories that I forgot to tell or didn't know about, please share them below in the comments. Keep watching the spit take. Subscribe. You know how to do that. Thanks.
Bold and stupid. Apocalypse Now shoot was an over-budget nightmare that was scheduled to go six weeks, took 68.
We know those stories because they fit the overall legend of the movies they're used to publicize. But that's not always the case. For instance, The Godfather. May featured the greatest film actors of the 50s through 70s, but one of them refused to remember his lines. During one of the most emotionally wrenching scenes, the actor portraying the movie's most emotional reaction shot was holding a sandwich just outside a frame that he would take bites of in between sobbing. Now, all the actors looked up to Brando, which is a shame because he was the actor in every single one of those anecdotes. How do you keep Al Pacino, James Cahn, Robert Duvall focused, when the guy who made them wannabe actors in the first place refuses to even read the script and makes them hold cue cards up in scenes they share with him?
Jimmy would tell a joke. He would take Brando three seconds to catch on. And he would go, uhh, like that. Okay, so just to recap, Marlon Brando communicated by punching his fist and grunting, like Tuco's uncle with the bell, if he were played by a trained seal. Now, that may seem less Homer Simpson funny stupid than Lenny from Of Mice and Men risked to himself and others stupid, but Duvall knows what story they really want him to tell.
We're in Staten Island at the wedding, and Brando, he gave out belts at the end of the championship belts of mooning. He went for his belt. I went for my belt.
We mooned each other, mooned everybody. Some woman turned to me, she said, Mr. Duvall, you're fine, but she turned to her friend and said, but did you catch the balls on that Brando?
And it's also horrifying. Facts-heavy action movies are obviously less exciting behind the scenes, but I was a little surprised at how much more creepy the most famous romance ever filmed becomes without CGI. Minus the orchestral swell and the computer-animated ocean racing pass below, Titanic's million-dollar shot looks surprisingly like someone being cornered by a pervert on a piece of farm equipment and dryhumped to completion. Was that scene in the movie?
Leo just all up on his Italian buddy like that? Eh, it was a simpler time. Of course, you can't judge behind-the-scenes footage that doesn't contain the legendary on-screen relationship between Rose and Jeremy Sisto. I mean, I have to get you to write that down. It's a stop, no, it's just Rose. Wow. Jack and Rose's love story doesn't work at all when I don't want to f*** both of them.
Titanic was famous for being hard on the actors who had to perform in cold, dark, wet conditions. Also, sometimes James Cameron would just awkwardly stare at the side of your face. At least that's what I like to imagine. Like, that's the full audio all the way turned up and Cameron's just silently mouthing the lyrics to My Heart Will Go On with slight alterations. Like, you know when two people are whispering and you can only hear the S's and there are, like, way too many S's? Anyways, the shoot had clearly driven Kate Winslet insane by the time they shot the dance scene.
I just had a blast. It wasn't about water. It wasn't about anything else that had anything to do with the film. It was just fun and silly. And I got to be relaxed.
What do you call it? Dance-sting? How wonderfully mad. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. My Kate Winslet. Imagine how much she's gonna like it when she finds out it's usually done to music. Must be hard to have that much fun in a room that sounds like Nazis marching into town undercover of night. Don't think.
The making of Star Wars Episode I should be shown to every successful filmmaker and second-term president as an example of how not to handle success. You almost feel bad for him as he calls Jar Jar Binks the key to all of this. Jar Jar is the key to all of this because he's a funnier character than we've ever had. Then you see him show the actor how Jar Jar should move his arms and you don't feel bad anymore. Mostly you feel sorry for the people around him quietly smiling as he hands down orders and none of them seem to realize that's not how anyone acted on the side of the original Star Wars.
Harrison Ford was like, dude, you call these scripts? You can't read this ****. He had to be convinced not to make C-3PO an oily car salesman type. By one of the actors, he was trying to hire to replace Anthony Daniels' voice with voice-over. Anyone who's seen the behind-the-scenes footage of Darth Vader before James Earl Jones' voice knows how close that movie was to completely suck.
You are part of the liberal alliance and a traitor. Take her away.
But the message Lucas took away from that first movie was not how lucky he was to have all those talented people saving him from all the horrible decisions he wanted to make, but rather how much he should take all the credit for Star Wars everything. Here he is before the making of episode one. The directors, because they are very much like their movies. Now, compare that with his frame of mind in 1977 before making the original Star Wars trilogy, where he spends most of his time being mad at how much input other people have. Aesthetic, directorial, writing decisions, which they have really no business making.
He also has no idea how to pronounce the names of things that he himself invented. For instance, here's how he pronounces THX, his first movie. My first sex was really a visual exercise. What the f**k? That's how my mom would pronounce it, too.
So yes, f**k the man totally. But also maybe thank him for stopping George Lucas from f**king up episode four through six of Star Wars.
Michael Bay shoots are insane without a single effect. Here, he and his effects crew can be seen accidentally throwing a car into a building. It's not like someone could have been in that building, right? Oh, apparently they just show up on the day and catapult whatever Michael Bay wants through the sky. Man, Michael Bay is living the dream of a pretty stupid 12-year-old boy.
The passion of the Christ came out. The media made room for only two camps. The pro-Christian, this movie is exactly right, exactly as it happened camp. And the anti-Christian, this movie is offensive. Christianity is nonsense. Mel Gibson is crazy camp. It's made it easy to miss what I think is pretty clear evidence that if a Christian God exists, it's not a fan. After Mel Gibson takes way too much pleasure in whipping a life-size model of Jesus, we're treated to a series of tone-deaf complaints by the actor playing Jesus about how much he suffered while pretending to be crucified.
On the cross, I had to stay in a position for eight, nine minutes. If there's a Christian God, does he have any idea how much it would piss him off to hear someone complain that it was cold up on the cross he was fake-nailed to and that the heater chemicals made him sick to his tummy. The gas heaters, to keep you warm, had gas coming at it and I was very sick from them.
Well, God was like, if you don't know. And I knew it. I said, I'm gonna get struck by lightning. And sure enough, now you know. The moment it hit, I heard people scream and a couple guys before me grabbed the ground and what they saw was like fire coming out of the right and left side of my head. I think I'd heard he was struck by lightning, but I had no idea he had spent the previous 30 minutes basically winning the championship title belt for wagging his dick at God.
Hey guys, thanks for watching that episode. If you know of any other great behind-the-scenes stories that I forgot to tell or didn't know about, please share them below in the comments. Keep watching the spit take. Subscribe. You know how to do that. Thanks. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Goran_Stolevski_the_filmmaker_of_OF_AN_AGE_HOUSEKEEPING_FOR_BEGINNERS_and_YOU_WON_T_BE_ALONE | You have stepped into a mystical place, the last video store, a video store that has every single film on its shelves and I am its most humble clerk, Alexi Toliopoulos and it is my honour to be hosting this show and bringing you into this world. Our guest this week is filmmaker Goran Stalevsky, a wonderful filmmaker and I say a wonderful lot on this show because we're treated to some truly wonderful people that earned that title. But I'd say this, he is one of my favourite filmmakers working in film, especially Australian cinema right now. His debut film was You Won't Be Alone, which is a kind of folklore, horror-ish take on witchcraft in Eastern Europe, in the Balkans, a great film starring Numi Rapace. His follow-up film Of An Age opened the Melbourne International Film Festival and I'd say this, far out dude, it might be the very best Australian film in the last 10 plus years. It is this really tender queer love story, it's a road movie, it boasts some of the most immersive, powerful performances and his new film which comes out on May 9th in Australian cinemas is called Housekeeping For Beginners and I'll say this and I say it to him, three for three man, three fantastic movies, I absolutely love them. Before we get into our chat and into Goran's rental combo, let me tell you a little bit about Housekeeping For Beginners. It is a film set in Macedonia, which is where Goran comes from and it is a very rare film because it is about the Roma people, the Romani people and the way that they are perceived, the way that they are perceived by the rest of the world and what is in there is this really interesting story about this family dynamic, this queer household that come together to form a new family and it is brash, it's bustling, it's really vibrant, it's really, really strong and it's this kind of clash of cultures and clashes of languages that what excites me most about it is that it grows in its warmth and it grows in its humour as the film progresses which is a really unique identity for a film. I can't recommend it highly enough, I was lucky enough to see it on its Sydney premiere at the Mardi Gras Film Festival where it closed out the whole festival and it's a great statement and Goran has such a huge future ahead of him but in the present I'll say this, he's one of the most ferocious, fearless, seeking out, hunting cinephiles that I've ever encountered.
He eclipses my cinephilia by so much so the pressure is on me today rather than on him when it comes to that rental combo. I have been stressing about it for ages trying to think of a movie that I could even possibly recommend him that he has not seen let alone heard of. It's a high stress situation, it's a high stress situation for me to find a movie to that he could like that he has not already seen. So that pressure is on to me. He's going to pick a new release film, he's going to pick two classics, those are weekly's baby and I'm going to give him that recommendation and if he has already seen it, god the consequences are dire for me. Absolutely dire but I'm gonna do my best.
After all it is my duty, it is my honor, it is the code that I have sworn and let's get into it. Here is my chat with filmmaker of Housekeeping for Beginners, Goran Stolevski. Welcome to the video store. Thank you. Finally back home. Well you know it's an honor to have you in here. I think you're one of the great cinephiles of this land so it's our blessing to have you within our halls. Thank you, finally someone understands me.
Well that makes the pressures on me today, the pressure is on me right now. I'm sweating, I've got to prove my worth to you. Oh I like that I'm already making you sweat, it usually takes me a bit longer but yeah thank you. You know I'm an easy sweater, I'm an easy sweater, there's nothing on you this time.
I hope you open conversations with that, excellent. I got no choice, I have to. By the way guys I'm about to perspire so if you see me thinking. Well we're going to get to your picks in a moment but I'm going to sign you up to the video store. I'm going to get you that card ready, I'm going to laminate it for you. Oh I miss these days. I'm not going to leave, that's the problem like I'm actually going to stay here. We'll swap sides of the desk, you can take my job. But Goran, I'm going to need to see a piece of identification from you. I've got a beautiful monitor set up. Oh my god so I only am just noticing this now like that's also very transporting.
We're doing time travel in every way for you. We can take you back to the video store and your memories in any way that you want. Yeah we'll have several depends on which you know like one for each day or the week it was the time.
Well I'm going to get a piece of identification to verify who you are and here I'm seeing we've got a Queer Lion from Venice Film Festival Housekeeping for Beginners. Can I ask you what is the Queer Lion? Is it the character from Wizard of Oz?
It's actually my pronouns. Yeah it was pretty cool. So we're in Venice Film Festival like all the films in the various competition sections that have you know a queer element are up for this prize and like yeah there's a queer poem at Cannes and you know the I forget the teddy bear award in Berlin. So in Venice I was the gayest lion of them all. Well I won an order. That was the only award I've ever won teddy in my life. Actually I'm not sure I was your own person but I'm like this is a Queer Lion.
Tell me the award is pink. It's not only pink it's sparkly. Wow sparkly and pink.
Yes wow it matches nothing in my house but it doesn't matter I'm gonna redesign the whole room around it it's fine. That's the focal point now. Where does it sit in your house? It's next to my computer actually so next to where I do my writing. Look there's not much I live in a shitty studio the size of a shoebox like it's 55 square meters it is tiny there's not many spaces. So it is where it is and it takes up almost the entire space. Yes yeah it does.
But I was lucky enough to see your new film Housekeeping for Beginners yesterday and I'm going to tell you this brother you're three for three with me I love all three of your films but I'd love to focus on this song because I think it's so rare that we see stories about Roma people or Romani people on screen and I'm about to ask you the most basic bitch question I can what was the genesis of this film? I also identify as a basic bitch so thank you. The Genesis was actually no it was a photo I saw posted a friend of mine posted who's a veteran filmmaker himself Mr. Tony Ayers. Home Song Stories. Yeah and Walking on Water. Home Song Stories is actually probably my favorite film of his and he posted a photo online of when he first moved to Melbourne in the 1970s and he moved into a house with his boyfriend and eight queer women and it was just a still from you know just a random day in their life in a house and I was like what a cool space like that sense of you know like a cocoon you have to yourselves to just kind of yeah live your life you know in a time and place where that was maybe a bit more complicated but I wanted that kind of space and I updated it to the present day and you know this kind of story doesn't quite make sense in a noisy context but also even putting that aside I shifted it to Macedonia partly you know I'm from there so I know it but partly like that country is very similar to you know 50 other countries all of Eastern Europe and Southern Europe and probably big chunks definitely big chunks of the Middle East yeah parallel you know cultures and socio economies and you know most queers don't really get to choose where they land a lot of the queer people in the world weren't born into a developed economy and really you know those stories we don't get to see for obvious reasons it's no one's fault but it's still you know we miss out and I think like if you don't document these in real time it's like they disappear it's like you know they never existed yeah so you know I'm verbalizing it now in retrospect but like a lot of the time with ideas it's a feeling and then you know kind of things start swarming at you it becomes like a story world based on a bunch of personalities and it's like a 10 second you know process and then you're trying to unpack it psychologically like what led to that thought and you know it's all talking about it in a literal linear term it's very yeah it doesn't quite capture actually but yeah that's so interesting though because especially with each of your films they are so distinct like you have three really unique films I think what feels maybe most unique about this one is the way that the story like grows and develops it almost gets warmer as it continues on and it gets more overtly comedic gets funnier as it goes along as well what was the journey that you really want to take your audience on with this film to be honest I don't really set out with like an emotional map I sort of um I sat with the idea for a while until you know enough scenes and details accumulated before I sat down and wrote it like as in for years it was just the back of my head you know I didn't really sit down to write it and then um yeah it's just this web of relationships and you know I wanted uh I wanted it to sort of encompass every feeling you know I didn't want it to be just sad or just funny um I definitely want to prioritize the comedy because you know it's a pretty dark premise but I think you know no one's life is a socially realist drama every day even in the direst of circumstances even in the middle of wartime you know you still just to survive you're trying to like live some uh in a way that there is some joy or like you know moments of emotional like solace or sucker you know and I think and I wanted to kind of seek out those moments partly because they're true to life but partly because I've seen the rest I've seen gay misery god knows or and everything very interesting um not sure how much it was ever but it definitely isn't anymore uh in and of itself as a goal or just in general European you know misery porn it's like its own genre I feel absolutely right it's a broad genre there's lots of different parts of European misery but there's a certain kind that is like the exploitative I'm like I can tell you went to private school and yet you're like really going to talk to me about the misery of poor people thank you really want to learn about that that poverty porn yeah it's up there with superhero movies in terms of my favorite genres I find them equally intellectually and emotionally stimulating actually so I definitely didn't want to go in that direction well I'm going to tell you right now you stayed quite clear of it with this one I want to talk about that web of relations we're talking about let's get stuck in that web because when I think about like the evolution of your films it's almost like with of an age it's an ensemble of three characters with like three really powerful strong performances with like really clear or clear to the audience perspectives this one you feel like it's almost like a level up we have this entire big ensemble of lively cast characters can you talk about working in that ensemble and calibrating it and the challenges of it yeah for sure to be honest actually with each of the first two films like I think the way the story and visual style is constructed you kind of you know feel there's obviously the main characters that are in focus so it doesn't quite feel like an ensemble effort but if you go back to you won't be alone those scenes are very densely populated there's 12 people and usually they're not actually extras they're actors most of them you know and when you're on set everyone's a human being it's not like this is the person that's my focus and the rest figure their shit out you know I'm used to directing ensembles from moment one you know of day one of you won't be alone and uh to me every like uh even the actor who has two lines in the background genuinely shapes the performance of the main character um a lot of the time direction I give on set is about making sure the protagonist is focusing not on themselves but on the people around them and engaging with them um so um in terms of on a day-to-day level it was no different because I always was working with like scenes with 10 people um the wedding preparation scene in oven age has like 10 people you know running around with dialogue and it's all there it's just the you know the emotional focuses with the guys yeah and with hattie of course I mean ebony the character yeah um so like emotionally that's what you experience but um like I think the uh the problem then is like that a lot of people miss out on how much heavy lifting is done by the character actors because without them that reality doesn't feel real you know my favorite one of my favorite characters in oven age was the the bridesmaid who's like I mean that's actually my friend she improvised at one point you know after the dance scenes she's just like gays are just the best dancers like I've seen documentaries it's just amazing what you guys like and you know I couldn't you know I wish I could have had the close-up but like you know for where the story the way the story was flowing I couldn't quite make it there but it's there but like if without those moments that film isn't like quiet as funny and like I still love having people ask me about like so how did you come with the dialogue at the wedding you felt surreal I'm like you should meet Julia Harari I was lucky to meet her at a young age and I know if you just let her loose you get gold um and then it was similar in this like on a day-to-day level like you're you know I mean there's differences in terms of making sure you get you know camera angle coverage and I'm not gonna bore you shitless about that but the dynamic like it needs to work in real time in on the day and for that you need to be paying attention to everyone and be nurturing of them all you know yeah oh wow well and also this cast it's you know multilingual was that a challenge like through trying to like get everyone on the same page or um I don't it didn't feel like it on the day like definitely in the lead up you know it was I mean our two lead actresses you know like I've said in the past had to learn all the dialogue phonetically you know it's not their native language and then you know we had also other languages on screen that some of us didn't speak you know um but um no it was actually really a gently flowing well not gently chaotically somehow flowing it was a warm feeling it was flowing however it would be chaotic you know um like we had a great time every day like and you know that's really rare on set so it was you know but it was constantly it was it was intense and it was constant chaos in some ways but like we were getting a lot of you know everything on you know was coming together and there was you know new bits of improv and little scenes and like we finished early in the end because of that but um I think everyone kind of like what was great I think in retrospect I realized that everyone both cast and crew weren't operating based on I've been given another task and I'm gonna do this and that's the end of the task like I think we all pictured what the film is at the end and also what the reality is in terms of the world of these characters and you're operating within it and you know even if there's little bits that are a bit challenging because like what did they just say they're improvising a language not ever speak you trust that they're doing their job you can kind of have a sense and also the you know I don't know what they're saying and they're speaking to each other and like in real life this character doesn't know what they're saying you know so you embrace that reality um and yeah I would say chaotically yet smoothly is how it all worked um and I genuinely miss it like I want to go back to that set we all do so I guess it's all about trying to find the authenticity of it all it's like where you go instinctively I think you're chasing it um it's really easy to find it if you're just open to it wow that's a beautiful lesson it's easy to find it yeah take that with you well Goran the film comes out on May 9th in Australia so hopefully very soon when this is coming out into the world as well um and I do think everyone should go see it Housekeeping for Beginners I think everyone should go see it as well I think I agree with you it should be the whole I think everyone has to go see it and if not they'll have to freaking deal with me dude I mean I'm petrified for them because of that thank you yeah I'm one of the toughest blokes around so watch out guys oh my god well we've signed you up to the store I'm going to send you out to go pick up your little rental combo and the new members combo is of course one new release two weeklies and then it will be my duty my honor and my greatest fear to provide you with a customized bespoke staff pick recommendation based on everything I know about you yeah I'm using empathy today excellent wow a strength I hear yeah one of my great strengths I can see people and I can feel them and I can understand who they are and all of this for 11.99. 11.99 yes and I pay you the 11.99 that's how this store works finally income and it's film related income so you do have to declare it yeah yeah no good excellent well I'll send you out go pick up those picks and come on back all right new release all right your new release film Goran I'm gonna tell this I'm excited to talk about this movie because this was almost a pick that I almost gave as a recommendation for previous guest my dear friend Nina Oyama oh my god Nina yeah she was there last night as well I know I mean we know each other so yeah we had a chat quickly and uh so you know we can pass it on to her afterwards maybe you can watch it with her when you take it back I'd see her tonight I might tell her to watch it then yeah absolutely tell her the movie is Return to Seoul drama can you tell me about Return to Seoul well I think it's a French production primarily but uh all of it takes place in Korea and the lead uh character and actress a French Korean woman who grew up in France and I'll speak about the character but like she was adopted um and kind of was grow very disconnected from Korean Korean culture or essentially or from the country itself and almost on a whim ends up in Seoul and almost on a whim decides she's going to try and track down her birth parents through like you know it's not even like a convoluted bureaucracy but you know there's natural obstacles that are in place to protect you know everyone's emotional well yeah and I like I think what's that's a really exciting thing about the movie it's like there are bureaucratic obstacles but they feel like they do translate to emotional obstacles as a viewer absolutely and no one's demonized along the way it's a very human film and and also I really love like in case it's not clear from my work I really love characters who are abrasive who are not trying to be likable um because I find I relate to them and also you're likable let it be known a good show it's all I it'll break down in 20 minutes um no but I think I think those people are more interesting um to watch and they tell me more about humanity uh I think the idealized wish fulfillment lie of a likable protagonist is just not my kind of jab and I think um I'm pretty sure this was uh the actress's first performance first performance and the actor's name is Park Ji Min yeah first performance and just stunning performance absolutely I mean and you know very fearless very you know committed you know mind and body and soul um to this story my favorite term to use it's a raw performance I mean it is it's not a lie to say I know no but I love to say it and I think um what really works with this film is that it's so beautifully in line with the perspective of its protagonist you just like you you really do inhabit them you really do see the world from them and just allows every emotional beat every moment every moment of like the emotional turmoil that she's in like that existentiality of dealing with who are you and where you from you feel those so deep in this film it's interesting that like there's probably five different times within it that it could have ended and it would have been a great film but it's the thing is like um and usually when that happens I'm like okay you should have just picked one you know but like we don't have to go Lord of the Rings uh in every film but like in this case you know I thought the film was about to end and then it went to a different sequence and then it just deepened even more and then again I thought like oh this must be close to the ending and then something else happened and you know it it's never that like my attention was lagging it always felt like so emotionally kind of full and then it would build and deepen and build and deepen over and over again uh you know I felt like I'd kind of got all what you could get out of watching a great novel you know when I was watching this movie I mean reading a great novel um this is a book I watched recently um and a lot of people listen to books but you're the first to watch them it's very exciting powers yes I just love that you had that depth well being you know it's not I mean you know there's lots of dialogue but it's not just like a talky film it's not just an intellectual exercise it all feels very felt and cinematic like the craft is you know superb all through um and very organic and I'm just so grateful for any movie that can hold my attention frankly and because I'm just jaded man it's been like I've kept track of how many films I've watched it's like 7 000 I think by now so wow okay yeah even good films right now I'm just like oh you know there's nothing you're doing wrong but keep me up I'm tired I think that's the cinephile's curse is always going to pique some values where you're like sometimes I go I love everything and then there's moments ago the only movie I like is Beverly Hills Cop and I just need to keep watching that over and over again it's the only thing that does something for me all right mine are really weird but like I actually returned to so I probably could watch over and over again because it's even though it's not the kind of film you'd associate with it but yeah no I was just you know I felt like I was living someone's life and it you know someone was very different from me in so many ways but like it kind of felt connected to my own life as well it's like that the connection you get from specific like something being specific completely it's that that's how you find like the universality it's like through specific yeah yeah no exactly it's almost like a cliche to say and you wonder if people just put it in publicity materials just to say something but genuinely it's true you see a demonstrator it's true and I thought I didn't know it was a cliche I thought I was the first person ever to say I'm sorry now you can edit that out yeah yeah we're gonna put a little note that says first time these words were ever said in human history maybe just like do the whole like sense bleep me out and go he was just swearing his fucking ass off yeah yeah and I also want to see my films they would not be surprised but swearing my ass off blithely it was a blue episode he was swearing he screamed at me the whole time uh the film is return to seoul debut the other thing I'd say about it is I absolutely love like nocturnal films I think this film captures that Korean soul night life with like such vibrancy where you do feel that energy uh like the way that the way that almost social interaction changes as it gets darker and yeah I think that's something that's really evocative at this and also those temporal shifts when you start seeing different you see these people catch up in their lives further yeah yeah you can imagine that be like emotional age yeah yes this is the kind of story I love yeah but the director is Davy Chu I cannot wait to see what they do next and return to Seoul great movie and I'll say you return to my soul right now what a wonderful pick from you well it's what I'm here for before you get into your weekly picks I actually want to ask you and I think it is my duty to do so I have to ask you have you ever been a member of another video store any other video memories oh my god I think there's probably like 14 video stores well you know I was a hardcore nerd film nerd you know so initially like I wasn't you know my family couldn't afford to be a video store so I just used public libraries up until the point where like I just used them all up I then discovered um I think what what is now the ACME collection in Melbourne used to be called Cine Media and I found out that if you paid a $55 membership annually you could have like endless you know you could borrow have four films a week and it had everything like you know every Bergman movie every Fellini movie and that was my annual birthday present for two years for my parents um even though my birthday was in July I only got one expensive thing a year and I was that yeah um it was worth it um especially because I remember at one point they mixed up the fact that I was ordering too many videos I was getting eight a week and no one knew and I'm like yeah keep them coming it's fine um so that was the first one but then yeah progressively there were some films I could find in various video stores and um before you moved to Australia did you go to video stores no I don't think they existed to be honest in my town or if there were they just were very short-lived things which is mainly pirated porn onto VHS we do have a section of pirated porn as well but it's in the basement it's a trap that's one of my weekly picks actually and yeah I used to work in a video store so yeah video easy rosanna this is Garin was something I used to say on the phone a lot for two years wow you wore the uniform you're a man in uniform like myself oh my god a shitty blue shirt yeah I you know and then there's the loop tape playing like it's an hour-long program with you know trailers and random video clips of bad pop and you just listen to it six times a day five days a week and you just want to stab either yourself or all of humanity by the end of it but um yeah but I got to work in a video store so it was worth it if you want I can give you the loop tape as one of your extra picks you can take the loop tape from here I've experienced it enough trust me it lives on in my blood it there's no need to revisit that one oh man loop tape I've not thought about loop tapes in so long I still have nightmares absolutely I always used to just be like when I had those moments by myself where there was no one else in the store to just take the loop tape away and start putting in something else just to like escape it all yeah yeah yeah I mean I don't know how much of a choice I had to do that but like I do remember like why was rock lobster playing for two months oh yeah loop tape in 2006 can that like there are mysteries in life I feel like there's a premise in that yeah there's a side edge rock lobster needs to be promoted more in 2006 in suburban video stores in Melbourne well it works for me it's one of my favorite songs and now I have the answer as to why it was it was yeah kismet obviously it was meant to be I need to never hear that song again but that's not the song's fault weekly we're gonna move on to your weekly picks and you got a lovely little stack here two favorites of mine and also two like wonderful queer auteurs George Kukor's film oh sure right yeah I'm pushing the gay agenda absolutely we're gonna have to announce this episode yeah yeah that's fine maybe we've got George Kukor's classic comedy screwball romantic the Philadelphia story comedy yes and the beautiful criterion collection I mean this is so cool I think I have oh no I've got it on DVD but I don't think it's the criterion so well you can't have that one need to move on you can only borrow it can we loan it it's fine I'll test it I'll test right here and then I'll order it um what made you pick this film um this is a film I could watch over and over again and have actually although not a lot recently actually now that I think of it but um yeah I feel like you know that's one of the peaks in in all art of all time ever like Hollywood screwball comedy in the 30s and 40s is as high level I know it's popular art but it's as high level art as you know Da Vinci as far as I'm concerned and I adore Da Vinci that's not a knock yeah I'm not gonna I'm not gonna come here and knock Leonardo Da Vinci like yeah no I think like the level of writing that happened and the level of acting I think it's really ironic that like when I watch the Philadelphia story I believe all those people have actually had sex in real life when I watch you know any different combinations or whatever really I'm like I'm not sure anyone has yeah it's really weird because it's a very conservative time I remember there used to be a rule that people weren't allowed to be seen kissing on screen for longer than three seconds um and that's the haze part of the haze yes yeah yeah obviously they had to be fully clothed and all this but I'm just like but they're so like you know I feel like these people have lived lives and had relationships I'm like there's sex that's been had and they're adults about it you know whereas now I feel like we're so coy about this shit um in in a very juvenile way and yeah like all like you know I didn't have friends in high school Catherine Hepburn was my best friend um and I'm not saying that to complain I'm saying that to show off um and Cary Grant made me gay but that was through bringing a baby not through this one although it may have compounded it of course it takes two I say it takes two versions of the same guy I've seen many versions of him by that point um so yeah no I love this film and speaking of you know ensemble is just like every single person on screen there's Ruth Hussey is one of the sporting characters and like you know children on screen are so often annoying but Virginia Weidler in this is not like it's every single person in relationship is thought through and developed and there's just not an ounce of fat on in the movie and those three primary leads of Catherine Hepburn Cary Grant Jimmy Stewart there is like that really palpable fun chemistry tension that makes every moment of dialogue just seeing so harmoniously between and I remember someone in a review pointing out how like ages ago uh it stuck with me like it's rare that you watch a romantic comedy and you genuinely don't know which guy the lead is going to end up with um or even who you're rooting for in the end um that is remarkable like you love to say play out in this one like you actually don't know how it's gonna end because it's plausible that it could go either direction like and and I think you know there's a satisfying version of each of those um and the ending on screen is definitely extremely satisfying but no it's really rare um and yeah I adore it and like you know go go the gays go George Cukor I forgot that it was him yeah yeah he's a he's such an interesting filmmaker because his impact on Hollywood and like that golden era of Hollywood filmmaking is so apparent and you see it kind of trickle down a lot between him and Howard Hawkes that idea of like that yeah that fast-paced like cross-talking dialogue it's still kind of alive today in a lot of like comedy like I always I think my access point to these back in my video store days was um the sitcom uh it's always sunny in Philadelphia right and like seeing and becoming really obsessed as a teenager with that the idea of the overlapping dialogue that jokes just keep rolling into each other and it's about the fast-paced delivery of them and so from there I was like well where does that start and as a teenager I'm like okay let me go back let me go through the same year as his Go Friday which is like overlapping dialogue on steroids to the max year and that was like I think that was Howard Hawkes yeah that was Hawkes yeah and it was Cary Grant he like what a year that guy had I know right um and yeah absolutely and I think it's um I actually feel like George Cukor doesn't get the you know respect that he deserves a lot of the time uh because the direction isn't showy so because yeah you have almost have to be a genre director to be to be seen as visible like there's no understanding of how handling relationships on screen and characters like uh with finesse doesn't get the recognition because it's not like an um it's not like an easy thing to spot especially because it's also comedic and I think comedic stuff and comedic performances is even of this era they get dismissed a lot but he was such like uh I think you know a director that was great with actors and a real ally to actors and bring out great performances and also I think you're right with the genre thing because he is a bit of a journeyman filmmaker because he did this his first one the Catherine Hepburn I think was the Little Women adaptation which is the best one I love that one but I can't co-sign if it's the best one I think you don't have to I can guarantee it is that's not I don't know I really love actually really love Greta Gerwig's one as well yeah what about Mervyn Laroi a big Mervyn Laroi fan that one is a piece of shit we don't have to pretend I like the psycho little girl but that's it but then also you know he did uh a star is born as well so he did a lot like a lot he even did all the best parts of Gone with the Wind um you know like he had amazing visual panache as well when you know given the scope like I think it's really genuinely like people don't seem to respect and also if you work on feminine like I think if you do films about violent men you get instant respect because male violence is seen as automatically profound whereas relationships and feelings are not and my feeling is always the opposite you know I mean like I know if we take out violent men from the Australian filmography there'll be like four films left yeah so it's an area of fascination I can't possibly question that yeah exactly you ruin our canon yeah our canon bores me shitless but thank god for like the piano and hanging rock and Miro's wedding you know and there's a few there's a few good ones but yeah but no like I actually think it comes down to that I think like anything that you know associated with femininity is somehow seen as like less profound or as I'm just like emotional intelligence is actually much more interesting yeah like violence you know yeah so and much more relevant to most people's lives absolutely and I think with this film as well in that moment in history when we think about like that haze code that weed era where things are trying to be provocative through like whatever means they can be this film is about a divorce and it's about a divorce in a really interesting way where it's a divorced couple that eventually must get back together somehow and it's kind of interesting to go back and revisit these films and see how society even interpreted something that's so normal and commonplace now like you know I've got maybe four friends that have parents that are still together and it's like back then it was like oh we have to get these people back together because they made that promise to themselves years ago but does in a way that's so fun it's so exciting and I'd say this to the listener as well if you have not made the exploration back to older films like golden age films I actually think this is a really great access point yes it kind of is very accessible open those gates for you and walk through and just experience something you know quite it's really fun it's so watchable and just really really good writing so you know what I don't think people who haven't seen films before the 50s know what good dialogue actually is genuinely watch this and all about eve and then talk to me about writing like before that we're not talking I'm sorry the other one from this year that I love same team basically I love holiday oh yeah yeah love holiday yeah absolutely that was the same year as bringing our berry so like that that a good run that had a good run well let's move on to your next weekly pick an all-time favorite for me one of my favorite filmmakers perhaps actually my favorite filmmaker I've got Pedro Amolovar's volver drama how much am I allowed to go into spoiler territory let's go into it I mean it's been out for like pro what are we like 18 years yeah like is it safe to come out now it's of age we can we can spoil it if we want but maybe we'll keep a little pleasure it's actually no I'm not gonna spoil it because if someone hasn't seen it like there's just an element that you've just taken for granted yeah for the entire film and then there's a casual conversation with something's revealed towards the end and you're like oh of course and it really plays on how you know it's not a meta statement or anything but it really plays about how we engage with movies and we just accept what's being told to us in a certain way in a way that we never would in real life and then you know the characters within the story are always playing it out in real life so it means one thing to them and then it means this other thing to us and towards the end they these things come together and this just like casually beautiful and wise conversation that happens and and I was I just remember being so enthralled with that film that then it ends almost moments after that and just like I'm like no it can't be over I I'm not ready to say goodbye I like started like tearing up just because like no how could it have finished it was so like I mean it's the perfect ending but it's just um yeah like it's so satisfying and so and again I think because it's not about male violence doesn't quite get the same yeah recognition but there is a moment of violence and a man does yeah but you know because female feelings are seen as somehow like gossipy and chatty but I'm just like you know this one is profound yeah and again about a certain way of living like I think he's one of the only humanist filmmakers deeply humanist filmmakers left and just even you know the villain for lack of a better term in the piece has layers that are revealed and the attitudes of the characters have multiple contradictory stances and speaking of a web of relationships it's immaculate you know and every single performance mattering every single character mattering um and you know dark extremely dark perimeters but it's a joyous you know vibrant film vibrant is the word truly for this because it's like it's that idea that he uses melodrama to communicate to you through like emotions and to like really get to them like can I ask you is this your favorite Pedro film no it's so hard to say which one that is um favorite is like a seven movies that I shipped around and you know like yeah today it is between this and talk to her it's hard for me to decide to be honest wow I would say very different pretty close to my top two as well let's talk to her is also a film that you could never ever make again like it is so for many many reasons but it's just even like I didn't know how you could show that film to a young person without giving like heaps of context to it but for there I think what is really special about it is that Pedro touch and it's that idea that this movie begins in a place of some kind of magical realism and then it quickly just goes no there isn't and you go oh okay and it kind of the way that that film plays with that I don't think I've ever seen another film do it in that way actually this while being very you know conventionally accessible is storytelling it's doing extremely unique things which is so rare you know he's he's I think the greatest filmmaker alive for sure and I love that he's still making films yeah like Pain and Glory was beautiful one of my favorite movies parallel mothers he did just after that yeah that was a great film yeah that's like his 10th best film and he was still one of the best films of that year I put it as my number one of that year yeah that's lying like even he's like I mean what would be like a lesser effort is filmography is like one of the greatest efforts absolutely yeah I couldn't agree more and there's something else you said when you were talking about well there's like the idea of perfect ending and I think across the board he's a filmmaker that truly understands it more than the audience where film should end like you're more than the audience's feelings should know where film to end and I think that what he I mean I think mostly Mike is no better than audience but you know when you're watching it debatable when you're watching it you find that satisfaction of going like oh I had no idea where this would go yeah but he takes you there and he brings you in there when I think about Pain and Glory that's ending where you go oh when you are it recontextualizes what you've been watching oh my god yeah the closing images those closing images and it's also when the emotional impact lands really hard somehow something has been building and you don't even realize it all along when it lands in the closing frames the same way it did for Volver and yeah same with Pain and Glory it was just suddenly and especially with that film because it's so clearly personal to him and autobiographical yeah he said it's not autobiographical yeah right this is clear he said some aspects it's in his kitchen the film's set in his kitchen for the most part but Volver if people haven't seen it I don't even know how really to describe it but it's it's a melodrama Spanish melodrama where about three generations of women and I don't even know where to begin it's about trying to live your day to day life you know unlimited means while trying to cover up a murderer and reconnect with your dead parent perfectly put there we go and then from there where it takes you it's fabulous fabulous a fabulous grandmother it's uh I don't know I just really love this movie I was so glad to see you pick it it's just um you know that Penelope Cruz performance as well it's her big well she was a star but it was that big breakthrough at that time of people in America and around the world like seeing her she can act yeah yeah seeing her in her like natural language as well just like break through and it's just uh I don't know I think it's when Penelope Cruz is one of my very favorite actors oh I would like yeah I would just you know I'd be an assistant on set like I will carry her water whatever she needs me to carry like I'm happy to just be the intern and just watch it's fine I adore her and I have like and she was very important to me like through that decade of you know I guess when you're in your mid-20s and going to cinema religiously like that that was you know well it wouldn't say the peak of her career because you know the career is still going quite well she's still on the peak it feels like we're on the ascent so but you know she was very important to me those key years um and remains important to me actually um so yeah can I ask you like with the dynamic that we're talking about Pedro's films of like it being these you know the a lot of them are about families did you see a lot of like your own family in them because when I see your films as well there is that similar dynamic of that feeling that feeling of what it was unconscious but it was really funny because I'm almost like oh I wish my family was like that and then actually when you won't be alone my first feature premiered in Macedonia I had a friend from Poland who was around he was the one of the financiers of housekeeping actually and then all my aunts were there at the premiere and afterwards he was like god your family's like a Pedro I'm out of armor even like the clothes they were wearing and I was like really I had to stop and think and go oh my god yeah and a lot of I think and also Spanish rural is not that different from Macedonian yeah and same Greek mentality yeah like even just the way they're cleaning those graves in the opening scene of all there how we're not talking about that that's the best moment of the movie but it gets better from that was every Sunday when I was going to the grave like that wasn't something that I hadn't seen before no that was really not unusual the true resonance it's the same culture in that sense I remember my grandmother going to my grandfather's grave my papu's grave with like this water bowl and a little chuck swipe and just pouring water like a stone and that's how this movie begins it's so real so authentic but then the way that he makes it funny is you see the whole row of all the women doing the exact same thing but it's just the way that he cinema makes it cinematic is so fun and that's the vibrancy yeah it's not like you know you describe it and it sounds like oh great they're creating cleaning graves but it's actually yeah it's vibrant and it's fun there's nothing it's not a sad moment or a sad image it's playful yeah and I love that you know that's exactly um I think um it's very aesthetically conservative to just go oh we're talking about death so it has to be bleak you know no like I think if you have a healthy relationship to life uh you know it's it's not like that and I think actually you know my brain is probably also shaped by having grown up in horror films so you know I'm very prepped to to love them you know when they come out because I've been shaped by them that's same here man and I think as well when you see like and I think it's housekeeper speaks to this as well of like that uh European Mediterranean and Eastern European cultures well like you know they they you can be seen as patriarchal but when you access it further or when you're in it you truly do realize it's matriarchal yeah it's complex complex yeah it's contradictory yeah fully this conversation yesterday like uh there were like wonderfully a bunch of uh queer Balkan people young people uh at the Sydney premiere of housekeeping for beginners last night and we were talking about this specifically about how like it's really ironic that in these patriarchal cultures you know especially across southern Europe like women also have this other strength strong role and like I mean I could even speak like in terms of like Yugoslavia specifically like it was really normal for the woman to be the highest owner in the family or in the household like uh just Macedonia which I would not consider progressive when it comes to gender dynamics has uh 52 percent of our scientists are female the world average is 13 percent like Australia is about 16 so like I mean Macedonia is the highest proportionally but like and this isn't even something you'd observe as unusual or like that even take pride in you know um and it's a weird contradiction because in so many ways it's an extremely patriarchal culture um and the gender roles are very limited um and it's complicated to talk about feminism or progress or any of these things never never mind by queerness but it doesn't it's not uh it's never quite linear you know in terms of just because this aspect is happening it doesn't mean this other aspect isn't also happening so um yeah yeah beautifully put was that I feel like a phrase that really badly well we'll edit it so phrase that perfectly we'll do an AI run through on it we have come to this point in the episode where it's your time to shine I'm sweating man because you know I would say of all the people that I know about the people that potentially walking through those doors of this store I would say you would be in the top percentile voraciousness in cinephilia you you even dropped you've seen seven thousand movies you've kept track of I'm probably I don't know I'm my estimate is I'm probably in that five thousand area you'll get that kid I've got a lifetime too I've got at least one more year it's different well I'm trying I'm trying you're doing well so I did go hunting to find your staff pick recommendation and I was trying to think of like where I could even go like what were the options so I had to go to find something that's like quite rare quite under seen and I'm actually sweating right now something's changing my body everything's been hunky dory until now and now there's like an electricity going through me in the wrong way just like it's like a band-aid it's fine well I have to I'm gonna put the stakes on the table right now this is my soul duty as a video store clerk I've returned to this world I've taken the on merit I've taken the on I've taken the code and if this is not a good recommendation for you I'm putting it right now I will snap the disc in half and use it to commit harakiri upon myself I mean harakiri like the 1962 japanese yes that is like a wonderful film as well but I have seen it so I haven't seen that one oh okay so okay let me see what else am I seeing okay well allow me to describe the film to you first and I would just it's a australian new wave film okay under seen very under seen and it's a road movie okay so is this mo it's a and priscilla no shit it's gay it's yeah but it's um and I will describe to you this way it's like a road movie that has those feelings of like european cinema like that intellectual european cinema like antonionia would describe it as it evokes those same feelings of visual and narrative poetry that's cinematic slow rhythmic style and you kind of start building this complex portrait of a man in relation to his surroundings like the environment around him and I thought I was on to a winner because I even went onto letterbox and I saw only 80 people have seen it oh wow okay that's probably but then when I saw some of the people that had to go well these are some of my comrades in melbourne that would have seen at the same screening that maybe if you have seen it you would have but it's a film from 1979 from director esbin storm a filmmaking hero of mine called in search of anna art house well done I've never even heard of this film wow wow wow wow wow wow I think this is like solid work on your behalf wow oh my god okay I feel a new relation I feel a new elation and of course bill hunt was in it of course but I would describe this film it's kind of like this beautiful trip uh I was in can I see I love that okay so there was this beautiful film that was in can and in the Australian U-Wave, and I've done approximately 78 degree, you know, university degrees in film studies, and this one never came up, like.
It was totally buried, totally buried on release. People don't think outside the box. Like how come it doesn't come up in film school, you know? It's kind of lost at the moment.
Like there has been, it's, I'm really glad we're getting to talk about it because I think it's ripe for resurgence and ripe for rediscovery now. It did screen at the 2022 Melbourne International Film Festival in their program about Melbourne on screen. Oh, right, I remember that section. Yeah, and there was a few other great films in there, Love and Other Catastrophes amongst them, but this is a film that really, it's really rarely seen. I know one of the people involved with, like a former collaborator of Esmond Storm, the filmmaker, who sadly passed away a few years ago. The collaborator, Hayden Keenan, another great filmmaker. He's been working on some kind of restorative print and it screened at a film festival in Sydney last year at the Bondiwood Film Festival.
But it's a really, it's kind of also entwined across like these temporal spaces where the main character played by the wonderful Richard Moore is newly released from prison and he's going on search for like a lost love of his to connect to her again. But it's kind of set across different temporal spaces that entwine instead of them being separated. You see him at different points and it's that kind of Antonioni feeling where you have to be present and it's more about like the emotional journey, the emotional arc of the character and how that makes sense across the structure.
And this actually might be before your time in Australia, but Esmond Storm was the creator and director and writer of the Australian TV series Around the Twist, which is like highly influential. I know of it, it was before my time. It's maybe my favorite piece of anything ever. Like it's, especially amongst Australian comedians, it's like a central text to them all. And in this film, Richard Moore is also the dad in Around the Twist, they have the same first name and he also says the words around the twist in this, like in succession.
So it's like when I was watching him go, okay, I'm in, I'm already in there. He also plays a Greek guy, so I love that.
And there's this way that the camera paints the film that is, it's really kind, it has that empathy, but in a cold way. So it kind of has like this emotional reverberation. Or I think you could describe and turn journey that way. Exactly. But in a cold way. In a cold way. So it's like, it's something that feels so rare in Australia to see it that way.
And it's those long stretches where you kind of see moments on the road and you're actually hearing the radio, the original double J before it even became triple J playing like. Is that real? Yeah, that's true, it was double J first and they got us extra J, they put it on there. Next is triple J 5.1. Yeah.
But you're hearing like classics contemporary of that time from the Angels AC DC Rose Tattoo, when it's like the currency of that time. Like that's the music that's shaping Australian culture. And what's really interesting about this was Esmond Storm had already won an AFI award for this really near realist type film about an alcoholic called 2-7-A. That's like, it's verite basically this film. It's so real.
And he noticed at this time the way the new wave was continuing to crash was it's all like picking a hanging rock, these period pieces, these like classical looking films. He wanted to make something really fresh and really contemporary. And that's what's brought him to in search of Anna, making him really fresh.
I'm almost surprised that you're like a verite Australian film. That's really not her strength. Or like something that we've invested in very much as a cultural or as an industry. Yeah, it's that and Kenny are the two verite Australian films.
But that's it. That's your selection. You've got Return to Soul. You've got Volver. You've got the Philadelphia story.
And my God, my successful staff pick recommendation. I was even getting nervous for you, to be honest. So like, I'm really glad this has worked out. I think I'm gonna be bestowed a medal of some kind. I think you should be, yeah.
Can I have the Queer Lion? I'll find you something else. Make it sparkly. The Queer Lion has to stay in my house. I get too much of my sense of identity from it now. Okay, fair enough. But you won the Queer Lion once again for housekeeping for beginners.
It is either in cinemas now or in cinemas soon. May 9th is its release.
And I'm giving it my highest recommendation. I loved it. Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. And as soon as I earn that medal, you called me, sir. Thank God. It's official, I've been knighted. Thanks so much, Goran, for joining me on the show. Well, I fricking did it, dude.
I actually can't believe I survived this episode with my skin intact and my pride in ecstasy.
I recommended the great Goran Stalevski, a film he had not seen, nor had he heard of it, In Search of Anna, a classic by one of my heroes, Esben Storm. Goran's film, Housekeeping for Beginners, is in Australian cinemas from May 9th.
And you should go see it, man. It's fricking fantastic. It's vibrant. It's wicked. It's exciting. It is immersive. And it's probably unlike things that you've ever seen before in terms of where we are physically exploring the world.
Housekeeping for Beginners, my highest recommendation.
And let me tell you where you can find his picks. Return to Soul is available for rent on VOD services, and it is on Binge. If you're a subscriber to that, go watch the movie there. Philadelphia Story, it's a classic. You can find it in many places. It's available for rent in all of them. Vauveur, same thing. And you can watch Vauveur on SBS On Demand currently at the time of recording. And finally, my staff pick recommendation, In Search of Anna. You'll have to go in search of that movie. It is available out there in certain ways. You can in fact buy a DVD of it from the Smart Street Films website, which is what I have done with a few of those very rare films from Hayden Keenan and Esben Storm.
Because I admire them. And there's other ways to kind of see it online. But from what I've talked to with Hayden Keenan is that there may be greater ways to see that and experience that film alongside many of these other films in the near future. So keep your eyes on me because I'll be letting you know how to see them when the time comes.
But in the meantime, you can also find every single one of these films and every single freaking film ever made and that will be made on the shelves here at Cinema's Last Great Hope, the last video store. Physical media, every single one of them. We've got them all on DVD tape, even a few audio mini disc versions and there's a Betamax of every film. We've got every format available here.
Please come support the tutor video, support me, support the last video store. If you want to support the last video store, great way you can do it. You can give us print of it.
And it's screened at a film festival in Sydney last year at the Bondiwood Film Festival. But it's a really, it's kind of also entwined across like these temporal spaces where the main character played by the wonderful Richard Moore is newly released from prison and he's going on search for like a lost love of his to connect to her again. But it's kind of set across different temporal spaces that entwine instead of them being separated. You see them at, you see him at different points and it's that kind of Antonioni feeling where you have to be present and it's more about like the emotional journey, the emotional arc of the character and how that makes sense across the structure. And this actually might be before your time in Australia, but Espen Storm was the creator and director and writer of the Australian TV series, Round the Twist, which is like highly influential.
I know of it. Yeah. It was before my time.
It's maybe my favorite piece of anything ever. Like it's, especially amongst Australian comedians, it's like a central text to them all.
And in this film, Richard Moore is also the dad in Round the Twist. They have the same first name. And he also says the words round the twist in this, like in succession.
So it's like when I was watching it, I go, okay, I'm in. I'm already in there. He also plays a Greek guy, so I love that.
And there's this way that the camera paints the film that is, it's really kind. It has that empathy, but in a cold way. So it kind of has like this emotional reverberation. Or I think you could describe Antonioni that way. Exactly. Empathy, but in a cold way. In a cold way. So it's like, it's something that feels so rare in Australia to see it that way.
And it's those long stretches where you kind of see moments on the road and you're actually hearing the radio, the original Double J before it even became Triple J playing like- Is that real? Yeah, that's true. It was Double J first. Then you got this extra J, they put it on there. Next is Triple J 5.1. Yeah.
But you're hearing like classics contemporary of that time from the Angels, AC DC, Rose Tattoo, when it's like the currency of that time. Like that's the music that's shaping Australian culture. And what's really interesting about this was Esmond Storm had already won an AFI award for this really near realist type film about an alcoholic called 2-7-A. That's like, it's verite basically, this film. It's so real.
And he noticed at this time, the way the new wave was continuing to crash was it's all like picking a hanging rock, these period pieces, these like classical looking films. He wanted to make something really fresh and really contemporary. And that's what's brought him to in search of Anna, making him really fresh.
I'm almost surprised that you're like a verite Australian film. That's really not her strength or like something that we've invested in very much as a culture or as an industry. So it's cool. Yeah, it's that and Kenny are the two, the two verite Australian films, yeah.
But that's it, that's your selection. You've got Return to Soul, you've got Volver, you've got the Philadelphia story and my God, my successful staff pick recommendation. I was even getting nervous for you, to be honest. So like, I'm really glad this has worked out. I think I'm gonna be bestowed a medal of some kind. I think you should be, yeah.
Can I have the Queer Lion? I mean, I'll find you something else, Pink and Sparkly. The Queer Lion has to stay in my house. I get too much of my sense of identity from it now. Okay, fair enough. But you won the Queer Lion once again for housekeeping for beginners.
It is either in cinemas now or in cinemas soon. May 9th is its release and I'm giving it my highest recommendation.
I loved it. Thank you, sir. Thank you for everyone watches it. And as soon as I earned that medal, you called me, sir. Thank God. It's official, I've been knighted. Thanks so much, Goran, for joining me on the show. Well, I fricking did it, dude. I actually can't believe I survived this episode with my skin intact and my pride in ecstasy.
I recommended the great Goran Stolevsky, a film he had not seen nor had he heard of it in search of Anna, a classic by one of my heroes, Esben Storm. Goran's film, Housekeeping For Beginners, is in Australian cinemas from May 9th.
And you should go see it, man. It's fricking fantastic. It's vibrant. It's wicked. It's exciting. It is immersive. And it's probably unlike things that you've ever seen before in terms of where we are physically exploring the world.
Housekeeping For Beginners, my highest recommendation.
And let me tell you where you can find his picks. Return To Soul is available for rent on VOD services, and it is on Binge. If you're a subscriber to that, go watch the movie there. Philadelphia Story, it's a classic. You can find it in many places. It's available for rent in all of them. Volver, same thing. And you can watch Volver on SBS On Demand currently at the time of recording. And finally, my staff pick recommendation, In Search Of Anna. You'll have to go in search of that movie. It is available out there in certain ways. You can in fact buy a DVD of it from the Smart Street Films website, which is what I have done with a few of those very rare films from Hayden Keenan and Esben Storm, because I admire them. And there's other ways to kind of see it online. But from what I've talked to with Hayden Keenan is that there may be greater ways to see that and experience that film alongside many of these other films in the near future. So keep your eyes on me because I'll be letting you know how to see them when the time comes.
But in the meantime, you can also find every single one of these films and every single freaking film ever made and that will be made on the shelves here at Cinema's Last Great Hope, the last video store. Physical media, every single one of them. We've got them all on DVD, tape, even a few audio mini disc versions and there's a Betamax of every film. We've got every format available here. |
cracked | censors_couldn_t_stop_ruining_90s_animated_shows_canonball_spider_man_x_men_tmnt | Making animated superhero shows is tricky because comic books are like this, and cartoons are more like this. Comics are like this, and cartoons are like this. Thing ring, do your thing! Comics and cartoons, you get the idea.
Is a certain degree of censorship inevitable and even necessary when children are part of your target audience? Probably. Are we going to make fun of the stupid side effects of that censorship anyway? Oh, absolutely.
So let's look back at some of our favorite superhero cartoons and uncover the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that resulted from someone in standards and practices deciding to f**k artistic integrity right in the b**k. We're talking about Spider-Man's ban on pigeon violence, Captain America not being allowed to kick Nazi butt, and the time England forced the Ninja Turtles to drop the whole ninja part. This is Cannonball. About 99% of cartoon censorship consists of replacing Damn for Darn and making anime characters yell, I'm okay, after they've been shot in the face or whatever. The sound of Mark's sonic boomerang caused slight hitlery concussions among the enemy. There's a doctor on Planet Ebb, get me there fast! But occasionally, the censorship is so dumb that, in a way, it actually increases the show's entertainment value. So let's thank those stuffy TV censors for absurd moments in TV history, like...
Number 4. 90s Spider-Man Couldn't Punch Spider-Man, the animated series, was the favorite soap opera of every kid growing up in the 90s, like Days of Our Lives but with more alien goo monsters and totally rad superhero action. But can you name a single instance of Spider-Man successfully punching someone? Or anyone punching anyone? There's a lot of swinging and throwing random crap, and rolling around in a way that I find strangely erotic, but no actual punches in sight. The closest we got is when Spidey has to propel his fist through a small portal to take out a villain, although I believe the technical term for this is donkey punch. Tell you what, being in a tight spot! Well this is all intentional. The producers had a set of rules stating that Spider-Man, quote, couldn't throw punches, toss anyone through glass, put children in jeopardy, have anyone threatened by fire, or even so much as say the word kill.
Shocker's blast should have dreamed me! Yeah, in this universe, Uncle Ben didn't die, he just moved to a farm upstate, where he could run around with all the other fodder figures. This is why the Bill Clinton era cops in this show inexplicably carry futuristic non-lethal blasters, and why the Punisher's weapons look like he bought a bunch of Nerf guns at Toys R Us and painted them gray. Frank, these are awfully big toys!
They even replaced Blade's iconic sword with an imitation lightsaber, which means the name Blade is now false advertisement. Another dumb rule stated that they couldn't show blood being drawn, which is pretty unfortunate when one of your characters is called Morbius the Living Vampire.
The solution? Easy. Give Morbius little bee-holes on his hands and have him suck people's plasma through that. Yeah, that's way less traumatizing for kids.
The censors also deemed the word sinister unacceptable, forcing the Sinister Six to be renamed the Insidious Six, because they were clearly drunk on power and just looking for ways to inconvenience the writers. At one point, they left a note saying, Caution that when Spider-Man lands on the roof, he doesn't harm any pigeons. Either the censors didn't understand how animation works, or the scripts were peppered with random acts of bird violence. Or maybe this was all simply Marvel's way of balancing out the original 1967 Spider-Man cartoon where Spidey goes around punching people or getting punched every five seconds. But probably not, because the same Fox Kids censors were also responsible for the fact that...
Number three.
The animated X-Men couldn't say kill, hell, or... Jewish? Ah, the X-Men. Who can forget characters like Gambit, Jubilee, Hardcase, Topaz, Big Maurice, Mr. Fingernails, Screech, and of course, Professor X. When X-Men the animated series came out, it looked like the wildest and most extreme thing our young eyes had witnessed, which is an impressive feat, considering the stupid amount of censorship the show went through. Wolverine sure loved popping out his claws, but the censors made sure he mostly used them to attack inanimate objects or prepare midnight snacks. Want a piece of fruit? Like in the Spider-Man cartoon, characters couldn't say kill or assassinate, which is why villains were so fond of the word destroy.
I will destroy you! Destroy them! Destroy Ford and his time machine! Destroy her! Destroy them all! Bobby, shut up!
Even funeral scenes were frowned upon because they would imply the existence of death. There's no such thing in a Fox Kids cartoon. When Magneto appears to be ki- uh, destroyed, the censors suggested showing the X-Men, quote, talking informally about Magneto over coffee or something, instead of holding a funeral. Which makes sense when you think about it, because X-Men die and undie so often that Jean Grey's funerals alone would ruin them financially. Hell was another no-no word, hence the Hellfire Club being renamed the Inner Circle Club, which sounds more like a country club that's suspiciously not currently accepting applications, Mr. Eisman, than a supervillain organization. I got invitations right here. Magneto's followers couldn't be called acolytes and couldn't refer to him as their savior because of the religious connotations, which must have been a huge blow to his ego. It cannot be! Another thing Magneto was never called in this show?
Well, Jewish. In the comics and the movies, the fact that he's a holocaust survivor is a huge part of the character.
In the show, Professor X met Magneto after a vague war in a vague Eastern European country at a vague point in time, and together they fought generic soldiers left over from said war. Unless both of them were unusually tall children, I'm guessing that's not World War II there. Other episodes show Magneto as a kid in a war-torn landscape. Wait, is that the same war that apparently lasted like 20 years? Or did Magneto live through two World Wars II? Either way, damn, that is unlucky. Their reluctance to identify the baddies in those war flashbacks as Nazis gets weirder when you find out that around this time, Marvel and Fox Kids were planning a show about Captain America's wartime adventures.
Hence this. And this. Come on, what were they going to do?
Make a Captain America cartoon set in World War II but without Nazis? Of course not, but not for lack of trying. Number two. The cancelled Captain America cartoon set in World War II but without Nazis. Captain America was created for the specific purpose of punching Nazis by a man with first hand Nazi punching experience, no less. And yet, when Marvel tried to get a TV show about Cap off the ground in the 90s, it was decreed that the word Nazi couldn't be used to describe the bad guys. Just like the X-Men show couldn't acknowledge Nazi war crimes. Because as the old saying goes, those who forget history are doomed to have a swell time. Because history is kind of a huge bummer. Now there are plenty of Captain America stories in the comics that don't have Nazis in them. Like when Cap battles werewolves.
Or his own addiction to hard drugs.
So what's the problem? The problem is that this show is going to be set in World War II. So uh, which side is Cap supposed to be fighting on in this test reel? And yes, the whole show would have happened in World War II. It's not like Cap gets frozen in the first episode and is learning about the Goo Goo Dolls and Beanie Babies by the second. Who are these people?
This caused troubles for legendary Marvel Comics writer Steve Engelhardt when he wrote an episode called Skullhenge, which of course involved the red skull reshaping Stonehenge into a giant swastika. Engelhardt was told they couldn't show swastikas on uniforms, let alone in giant stone form, thus ruining the entire motif of his masterpiece. Another big problem with the show is that despite having at their disposal a perfectly good secret identity in Steve Rogers, they decided that Cap's real life was real.
His real name should be... Tommy Tompkins. Like he's a protagonist of a junior mystery novel or something. Also the storyboards for his buffing up scene make you wonder if the animators didn't think they were making a Hulk cartoon. Cap smash non-specific fascists!
In the end, Marvel pulled the plug on the show. Not because it was a terrible idea, but because they were literally broke at the time. But the fact that it was a terrible idea probably didn't help. On the other hand, the fact that this show banned the depiction of swastikas, even for historical purposes, and didn't let you call a Nazi a Nazi, predicted Facebook community guidelines by decades.
Now that's impressive. Speaking of America, let's stop picking on the US of A and talk about dumb cartoon censorship happening somewhere else for a change. Number one.
In England, the Ninja Turtles couldn't be ninjas. In the 1980s, England had a ninja problem, which is a lot less exciting than it sounds. The martial arts craze of the 70s had left authorities terrified that everyone was about to put on black pajamas and overthrow the monarchy. And the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles paid the price. Or should I say, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. Since cartoons were banned from showing ninjas, and the British censors weren't so cruel as to deprive their children of turtle mania, they reached a compromise. The Ninja Turtles were mutated into hero turtles by editing the logo and re-recording the theme song.
The part that goes... Splinter taught them to be ninja teens. He came... Splinter taught them to be fighting teens. Which makes it sound like the turtles would go around picking fights with kids.
The change also applied to all of the merchandise. From the games, to the comics, to the cool dude joke books. If you compare the original intro to the British one, you might notice another significant difference.
All instances of Michelangelo using his nunchucks have been replaced with random shots from the show. This version was set in a bizarre and improbable alternate reality, where Mikey is allowed to remain on the team. Not because he was useful in a fight, but because the others actually really liked his jokes. The same went for the show itself, because to the minds of the people who have chosen to censor cartoons for a living, two sticks tied together with a chain is much deadlier than a razor sharp sword. In the later seasons, the show's creators took pity on the British censors and replaced Mikey's nunchucks with a grappling hook, called the Turtle Line, which is somehow lamer than having no weapon at all. Then again, if Shredder's next plan involves spelunking, he is fucked. The more recent versions of the Ninja Turtles in the UK have reverted back to the original name and weapons, and you know what?
Let's check Wikipedia. Mmhmm. Nope, looks like England still hasn't been overrun by ninjas. Not yet, anyway. Hey, thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Jump in the comments and let me know if I should go fart my own hushpuppy, flip my grandmother with a big wooden spoon, or maybe jimmy rig a bunch of krell boings. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_senior_php_developer_deprecated | Backward compatibility is overrated. Do you know how many jobs were created because of that PHP 7 thing? Alright, let's start Let's maybe avoid all the PHP jokes. I told my friends I'm a PHP dev. Now you have no friends. PHP is not dead.
Is it? Split, split, split, explode. WordPress, Joomla, Drupal, Chupac and a million others. They all can't be wrong.
It's like saying knife can be used for bad things. But does that make a knife bad?
No, but on a serious note the web one wouldn't have existed without PHP and the web 2 wouldn't be as cautious of security issues. Xam, Apache, MariaDB, PHP, Perl. Perfect recipe for disaster. Of course, we use it. MAMP, LAMP, WAMP, guitar amp. They all lost their job because of cloud. We still use WAMP and we're on Mac.
PHP my admin almost feels nostalgic. Well now it's being developed by the community so we call it our admin or PHP. Looking for an admin.
Some people still use it. Well, some people still use IE6. Object-oriented programming was introduced in PHP 3, became usable in PHP 4 and started being used in PHP 5.
Dynamic types. Type-inference.
PHP is not dead. There is PHP 5.6 and there's PHP 7. We don't really talk about what happened in between. Backward compatibility is overrated. It always helps rewriting code, especially in PHP. Do you know how many jobs were created because of that PHP 7 thing?
Well, I got one and I'm proud of it.
The session is super global with no controls around it. The cookie is super global.
When using util sometimes the subject is first, sometimes it's last. It's a bit of an art to understand it. Well, I still don't understand it and that's okay. Multi-threaded Single-threaded. Yeah, it has the inherent performance disadvantages. All Interpreted languages have include ones. Why would you include multiple times? Let's talk about SQL in depth. Well, let's not get off topic here. There's enough wrong with PHP itself.
Spaceship operator. Tiny spaceship operator. Battleship operator. X spiders. Death star operator.
All right, now I'm joking or maybe not. Who knows in this language? Well, I certainly don't. If you do use any of them, let me review your code first. It's likely there's something wrong with it.
More jobs. Oh this? These are mostly just comments. Is sap.
Yield from. End switch. Go to. And my favorite one. Exit. Kill. Die. PHP. Final.
Underscore, underscore, is sap. Underscore, underscore, dear. Underscore, underscore.
Vardump is like an evolution of print. Vardump.
Only in PHP. What does PHP stand for?
Power. Purposeful. Hyper. Power. Language.
It's like either you use Laravel or you just don't use PHP. Laravel is one of the best frameworks out there. Among all ecosystems. Laravel is a full stack framework. By full stack, we mean that you're going to use Laravel to do the app routing and the data handling.
And you're going to use JavaScript for the front end. It's 2022. JavaScript, I mean PHP is everywhere. Except in all the same services on the Internet. Bringing PHP back in 2022. Or maybe not. And you're going to use JavaScript. But once you use Laravel, it's allowed to use PHP. And all those things will be in PHP 9 in 2035.
Yeah, I've been homeless for a while, but luckily I found a new job. I take off the trash for the neighbors.
No, I'm not a PHP dev. Bringing PHP back in 2022. Or maybe not.
Oh, it's Laravel 5, won't work with your PHP 7. Oh, it's Laravel 5.2, should work with your 7.1. Oh, it's PHP 5, won't work with your PHP 7. Oh, it's Laravel 5.8, won't work with your PHP 7.1.2.
Let me tell you about Laravel 5.9. But let me tell you PHP devs are not paid badly. We see dollar signs all the time. PHP is everywhere. It's not going to die. PHP used to be a good language and it still is. Have you heard of Laravel? |
ClickHole | these_people_s_alien_abduction_stories_will_blow_your_mind | My brother and I used to work on my uncle's ranch out in Utah every summer, you know hurting the cows, feeding them, stuff like that. There was this one night we were out in the field and suddenly there was this incredibly bright light descending from the sky. Next thing we knew we were in this big white room and standing in front of me was this slimy two-legged creature with these wide lizard-like eyes across its face.
We looked at us and said, there's this planet where they're just necks with Adam's apples in them and these necks just flop around day and night. That's the whole deal on this planet. So I said, what? I don't understand. He said, it's true. This planet is just a bunch of necks and the Adam's apples in these necks are very pronounced.
They bob up and down in the necks like they're gulping or something, but they're not gulping because they're not capable. There's no head. There's no mouth. It's just necks.
It's the worst fucking planet there is.
Okay, I've got to go now. I just needed to tell someone about it. Then he dropped us off in the field and flew away in his spaceship.
It was absolutely terrifying. That planet sounds fucking horrible. One night I was sitting in my living room when suddenly the roof got ripped off my house and I got sucked into a UFO. Inside the ship I saw these thin, translucent little creatures. I was terrified.
They didn't hurt me at all. But when they were done, they returned me to the wrong house. So I hollered up to them, hey, you put me back in the wrong house. And they sucked me back up into the ship, flew around a little bit and dropped me back down into an apartment. I was like, no, guys, I live in a house. This is an apartment. They sucked me back up into the ship and dropped me into the ocean. That was annoying. But I could tell they felt bad about it. Like they wanted to put me back in my house, but they had honestly forgotten which house it was. So I was like, just drop me off downtown. And they sucked me back up and plopped me in front of a Popeyes in a whole different state. But by this point I was just like, forget it.
It's fine. I'll catch a bus or something. Thanks.
And they left. An alien came into my house, picked me up over his head and spun around in circles for a couple minutes. Then I threw up on him and he left. I woke up in the middle of the night, incredibly disoriented. I could tell something was off because all my furniture was gone and there were a bunch of aliens standing over me with medical instruments. The aliens said to me, hey, we're going to do some weird alien shit to your body.
Is that okay? And I said, sure, fine, whatever. I don't care.
And they said, great, and started doing their alien shit to me. After a while of that, I got bored and I was like, I'm bored.
Do you guys have any magazines? And they were like, um, no, we don't have any magazines. And I was like, what? You guys don't have any magazines? Like none at all? And the aliens were all, no, sorry, we don't have magazines right now. And I was like, dang, I can't believe you guys don't have magazines. Magazines are great. There's all sorts of pictures in them and crossword puzzles and quizzes. And they were like, yeah, well, we don't have them, so. And I felt bad for the aliens, you know, because they didn't have magazines.
After that, they replaced my kidney with an alien kidney and sent me back home. I like all sorts of magazines.
Every day I'm abducted by an alien. Every day a stinky alien dangles his long stinky alien tongue out of his fat old alien UFO and wraps his long stinky alien tongue around my teeny tiny hat and slurps me up into his stinky UFO. And I say I want to not be abducted by an alien for once in my goddamn whole life. And the stinky alien who abducts me, he just laughs and laughs and laughs.
I hate the stinky alien in a spaceship full of mud. Why is there mud in a spaceship? I wish it were clean, but it's dirty.
And the stinky alien makes me smell bad because I'm around him all the damn time. And now my boss asks me, why do you smell like a whole lot of hell? And I just have to say, I got abducted by a stinky alien. But my boss does not believe me. Worst day of my life. |
dropout | movie_make_up_makes_acting_hard | Wake up.
They'll be back soon. We have to get out of here. What happened?
When I was a child, my father swayed me. That the universe is a dark and cold place. But only the strong will prosper.
What are you? When your people came to my galaxy, you took everything from us. You look insane. And I also, like, recognize you? Like, I mean, underneath all that shit?
No. Look, this is just what people look like where I'm from. This is normal. Okay.
Tell me why. Do you know what true power is? What? Do you know what true power is?
I'm sorry, I don't, uh...
Is control! No! What are you doing? Stevens!
I'm sorry, what was that? Control. I'm so sorry. It's, like, really hard to understand you.
True power is control. T-O-M-T-R-O-L. Control. Like, a real game of control. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. He was saying control. Control.
Did not sound like that at all. But I find it hard to maintain control. Because my people are full of rats.
Ah! Are you mad? You're angry right now? I'm furious!
I know we're different species, but, like, nothing in your face moved. You kind of just got loud. It don't matter! Is something wrong with your neck? What? Nothing. It doesn't move. It's just normal neck for my people.
Who are so passionate and filled out with your loss and who you have lost so much. Ah! You're sad now. Yes, I'm so sad! Ah! You just look so much like mad. No! This is mad! This is sad. Ah!
He's Tom Hardy. You are Tom Hardy. Are you Tom Hardy? No, I'm not Tom Hardy.
I kind of feel like I could beat the shit out of you. No, he couldn't. I'm the boss of all my people. You look so slow and encumbered. Like, you're probably bad at fighting.
No, look, I would possibly fact. And I would follow with the underman tradition. Ah! I kind of feel like you're going to get some help in the edit here, but whatever. Uh-oh. No.
He's Oscar Isaac. Oh, Oscar Isaac. That is a good call. I'm not Oscar Isaac. I'm going to go to space now.
John Lipgow. John Lipgow?
Gary Oldman. He's like kind of a chameleon. I'm not Gary Oldman. Sigourney Weaver.
You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
cracked | we_remade_mission_impossible_fallout_for_20 | The end you always feared is coming. The mission impossible for... You had a huge choice to make in Berlin. It was one of the biggest choices I've ever seen. And now the world is at risk. There is violence on many sides. Some of them, I assume, were good people.
If he'd have held on to the plutonium, we wouldn't be having this conversation. And he and his team would be dead. Yes, he would.
That's the job. Okay, now go to the left. Go, go, go!
What are you waiting for? I'm jumping out of winter! You are the one. What are you waiting for?
M-2-X-2-X.
Good luck. I don't know what you're involved in. You need to walk away. Don't you make me go through hell.
How many times has Hunt's government stabbed him in the back, poisoned him, shot him, beaten, bewildered, long ripped, and butt plugged him? How long before a man like that has had enough?
That's not who we are. Maybe we need to reconsider that.
So, how is he? Well, you know. Same old Ethan. Out there with them prostitutes and the murderers. I think he was looking to get some ass. But you here now. What is he doing? I find it best not to look. And action.
How long before a man like Hunt, after being betrayed, bewildered, bong ripped, beaten, broken, and butt plugged? How long before he breaks and becomes the man that you don't want him to be anymore?
I like how the character was thinking about his words. He was really giving it a little thought. Hold on, I have to see that. |
TheOnion | 2011_Top_Story_One_Of_Arizona_s_Many_Crazed_Gunmen_Shoots_Congresswoman | Now, a tragic event from this year. You might recall that on January 8th, the nation was shocked when one of Arizona's approximately 30 daily shootings injured a member of the United States Congress. Let's take a look now at an Onion News Network broadcast from that tumultuous day. We're receiving reports that a U.S. Representative, Gabrielle Giffords, from Arizona's 8th District was injured in one of the many shootings that's occurred so far in the state today. Of the dozens of lone gunmen who will take advantage of Arizona's lax gun control laws to open fire on crowns of strangers today, this one shocked bystanders by wounding a member of the House of Representatives.
Unbelievable, I just pulled in here to buy some bandages to bring to a shooting I witnessed at the outlet mall when I heard a gun going off. I don't know why he chose this place. Sparse crowds, little cover, plenty of places for people to escape. Really amateur job. No one was more shocked and saddened by the shooting than Arizona Deputy Governor Christine Miller, who responded by calling it tragic and spraying the wall of her office with gunfire and anger. |
SaturdayNightLive | no_wrestling_saturday_night_live | Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. hey. what's up, Sarah? hey, Tracy, how's it going?
Sweet. you wouldn't happen to have a cigarette like a bum, would you? Uh, again, I told you I don't smoke, so, no, I wouldn't have any cigarettes on me.
School, don't worry about it. I just heard some trash talking about you. I thought you might want to hear it. What's that?
I heard Faith Hill say, I could beat that buffy bitch in a low-down, dirty, grab-ass wrestling contest. she's been so nice all week. I just. I can't believe she'd say that. I'm just telling you what I heard she said. and she also said, i bet you if we did wrestle, there's no way Sarah could give me spankings. I-i find that a little hard to believe, Tracy.
But then it's settled. you two are gonna wrestle. I'm not gonna wrestle her. I understand. you're scared. No, I'm not scared. that's what I like to hear. I go, give Faith, you just put this costume on. Look, I-i'm not wrestling anyone, and I'm sure as hell not wearing this.
Great! then you gonna go butt-neck it? No! Where is your costume? Sarah, uh, Tracy told me that you said you could kick my ass in wrestling. Oh, yeah, it's on! Yeah, there's been a little misunderstanding, because, see, Faith, I-i didn't say that. Wait, pull in here, and spankings are legal. Go! What? No, no, I'm not going to wrestle her. Yeah, it's a cat fight! Okay, Tracy! Stop that!
Okay, you know what we're gonna do? uh, uh, what? then you're gonna wrestle me, spank me? uh, no. we're gonna tell Lauren. Lauren! Lauren! hey, come on, be cool. don't rat me out! Tracy, what's going on here? Nothing, Lauren. just a little misunderstanding. he was trying to get us to wrestle each other.
Tracy, I thought we had this discussion after the Reese Witherspoon, Alicia Keys episode. I was that close! Tracy, I'll talk to you later.
I want to apologize. obviously, no one expects you to wrestle. we know that. Thanks, Lauren. although wrestling does have a noble history, dating back to 708 B.c. we're not going to wrestle, Lauren. I would never ask you to, even though I do hold a Greco-roman fundraiser every year for needy kids.
Oh, Faith, I mean, if it's for needy kids, don't buy that. they pulled the same thing at Austin City Limits. let's go. So that's a maybe? did they fall for it? Unfortunately, no. you can't do nothing, right. I said it up. perfect. you're supposed to close the deal. I tried, Tracy. Man, I don't know why I keep you around here. let's not say things we can't take back. go get me a Pepsi Biatch! |
SaturdayNightLive | george_w_bush_cold_opening_message_from_president_saturday_night_live | The following is an address by the President of the United States: Good evening, my fellow Americans! This past Tuesday, you went to the polls in the first midterm election of this presidency, and you made history as the party holding the White House.
Republicans were expected to lose seats in both the house and Senate, but because of your support, we actually gained seats, increasing our majority in the house and returning the Senate to Republican control. Let's look at the Senate before the election, its 100 members included 50 democrats, 49 republicans, and one independent. Senator Jeffords of Vermont, the pee pants who switch parties. That's 50 democrats, 49 republicans, and one independent. On Tuesday, Democrats picked up one seat in Arkansas, but Republicans gained three in Georgia, Minnesota, and Missouri. Thus, in January, the new Senate will have 51 democrats, 52 republicans, and one independent.
No wait, that can't be right. Wait, let's try this. On Tuesday, Democrats lost three seats, but Republicans only lost one. Which means, come next year, the 100 member senate will have 47 democrats, 48 Republicans, and one independent. Hang on! No, that's right.
47 Democrats, 48 Republicans, one independent. Now, let's look at the races for governor. Before the election, the 50 state governors included 27 Republicans, 21 democrats, and two independents. On Tuesday, 36 states held races for governor. Republicans won 22, Democrats won 14. So come January, we will have, by my calculation, 49 republican governors and 35 democrats. Although I believe I'm counting some of them twice here because that's too many. but the numbers aren't important. You see, this election was about more than how many. governors there are.
It was about helping your friends. Now, let's be frank, I'm a popular guy. I like people. With a possible exception of Senator Jeffords, the little fudge drawers from Vermont. and more important, people like me perhaps, I thought, if I asked them to, they would also like my friends. That's why, just before the election, I went on a five-day 15-state campaign blitz in order to help my friends running for office.
Just as on the other side, former President Clinton and Vice President Gore were doing the same. Although, in their case, in a losing effort. Now, the results are in. I congratulate my friends on their victories and as we try to move America forward, I hope I can count on their support just as former President Clinton and Vice President Gore could have counted on the support of those they tried to help had the outcome been different and had their help not actually been the kiss of death. One final word to the American people: you gave me the Republican Senate I asked for and I won't let you down And to Senator Jeffords of Vermont, welcome to Hell. Thank you, and live from New York, It's Saturday night. |
SaturdayNightLive | beavis_and_butt_head_snl | Welcome to News Nation. I'm Bobbi Moore. in tonight's live stream Town Hall, we'll discuss the potential power and pitfalls of the coming Ai revolution. you won't want to miss this. I'm joined by Mit Dean of Technology, Professor Norman Heming. Thank you, Bobbi. Well, let's get into it.
Professor, you've been very outspoken about the threat Ai poses. can you explain your stance to the average American? I'm sorry, what? can you explain your stance on Ai to the average American? Certainly. to be clear, I'm not anti-ai. I just Beavis. I believe Ai needs to be properly regulated.
I'm sorry. Professor, is there a problem? Yeah, there's a gentleman in your audience who looks strikingly similar to Beavis from the cartoon Beavis and Butt-head. just a little distracting. I'm not familiar with that cartoon, but would it help if he moved seats? Yeah, yeah, that might be a good idea. it's the gentleman in the blue shirt and blonde pompadour. Sir, do you mind moving? I'm sorry? you're talking about me? I have no idea what's going on, I'm sorry. What? Yes, can you move the seats?
Okay, sure, I'm sorry, I just I've never heard of that cartoon character. And you really never watched Beavis and Butt-head when you were a teenager? No, I was pretty. so I was going to parties and hooking up.
Now, Professor, if Ai is left unregulated, what is your worst-case scenario? Well, in simplest terms, it becomes so intelligent that it deems humans unnecessary and kills his own. But if human beings created the Ai, can't we just program it to not do that?
Well, it depends. Oh My. God. are you serious? What? I think that's a valid question.
No, now there's a gentleman behind you that looks like Butt-head. Professor, just because our audience members aren't as informed on the issue as you doesn't make them Butt-heads. Butt-head from the cartoon. he'd Beavis' friend. I'd really like to move on and discuss Ai, so would you like him to move? Yes, thank you. the man with the gray shirt and exposed gums. sir, can they move seats? she's talking to you.
Oh, I'm sorry, me? I am so sorry. I'm confused. I'm just here to learn about Ai.
Professor, we have a viewer question from X. at Sandwich 980 asks, does Cornholio need Tp for his bun hole? See, that's just somebody trolling. that's a reference to the cartoon. Cornholio would Beavis' alter ego. he eat the sugar and become cornholio. Yeah, I see. let's move on to our audience questions, starting with Patricia Faulkner. Yes, right here. you put them right next to each other? Look, they even sitting like they do on the show. you two really don't know that you look like Beavis and Butt-head. I've heard rumblings that I look like someone from Tv, but it's just maybe it's this Beavis person.
I don't know. I don't watch much television.
I have an incredibly busy life. Yeah, I'm very busy too.
This is honestly the first time I've ever heard that I look like this butt-head person. Oh boy, for those just tuning in, this is News Nation, not the Cartoon Network. they laugh like them too.
You hear that? Miss Faulkner, go ahead. I'm a speech therapist and I use Ai software every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
How long have y'all been friends? I don't know this gentleman. you don't know each other?
No, no. hi, I'm Dean. Chef, nice to meet you. nice to meet you too. All right, let's take a break. after, we'll speak with some gentlemen from Texas who lost their jobs to Ai. I'm sure they have lots to say. I'm joined by Mit Dean of Technology, Professor Norman Heming. Thank you, Bobbi. Well, let's get into it.
Professor, you've been very outspoken about the threat Ai poses. can you explain your stance to the average American? I'm sorry, what? can you explain your stance on Ai to the average American? Certainly. to be clear, I'm not anti-ai. I just, Beavis, believe, I believe Ai needs to be properly regulated.
I'm sorry. Professor, is there a problem? Yeah, there's a gentleman in your audience who looks strikingly similar to Beavis from the cartoon Beavis and Butt-head. it's just a little distracting. I'm not familiar with that cartoon, but would it help if he moved seats? Yeah, yeah, that might be a good idea. it's the gentleman in the blue shirt and blonde pompadour. Sir, do you mind moving? I'm sorry? you're talking about me? I have no idea what's going on, I'm sorry. What? yes, can you move the seats? Okay, sure, I'm sorry.
I just, I've never heard of that cartoon character. And you really never watched Beavis and Butt-head when you were a teenager? No, I was pretty, so I was going to parties and hooking up.
Now, Professor, if Ai is left unregulated, what is your worst case scenario? Well, in simplest terms, it becomes so intelligent that it deems humans unnecessary and kills us all. But if human beings created the Ai, can't we just program it to not do that?
Well, it depends, Oh my God. are you serious? What? I think that's a valid question.
No, now there's a gentleman behind you that looks like Butt-head. Professor, just because our audience members aren't as informed on the issue as you doesn't make them butt-heads. Butt-head from the cartoon. he'd Beavis' friend. I'd really like to move on and discuss Ai, so would you like him to move? Yes, thank you. the man with the gray shirt and exposed gums. Sir, please move seats. she's talking to you.
Oh, I'm sorry, me? Yes. I am so sorry. I'm confused. I'm just here to learn about Ai.
Professor, we have a viewer question from X. at sandwich980 asks, does Cornholio need Tp for his bun hole? no, no, see, that's just somebody trolling. that's a reference to the cartoon. Cornholio with Beavis is all the ego. he eat the sugar and become cornholio. Yeah, I see. let's move on to our audience questions. starting with Patricia Faulkner. yes, right here. you put them right next to each other? Look, they even sitting like they do on the show. you two really don't know that you look like Beavis and Butt-head. I've heard rumblings that I look like someone from Tv, but maybe it's this Beavis person.
I don't know. I don't watch much television.
I have an incredibly busy life. Yeah, I'm very busy.
This is honestly the first time I've ever heard that I look like this Butt-head person. Oh boy, for those just tuning in, this is News Nation, not the Cartoon Network. they laugh like them too.
You hear that? Ms. Faulkner, go ahead. yes, Professor. I'm a speech therapist and I use Ai software every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
How long y'all been friends? I don't know this gentleman. you don't know each other? Hi, I'm Dean. I'm Dean. Jeff, nice to meet you. nice to meet you too. nice to meet you.
All right, let's take a break. after, we'll speak with some gentlemen from Texas who lost their jobs to Ai. I'm sure they have lots to say. |
dropout | dora_the_explorer_and_the_destiny_medallion_part_1 | You're going to want to let go of my hand. You're not leaving with that money. You really shouldn't use time shift at your parents' permission.
Diego! What the hell are you doing here?
It disappeared, Dora. I was worried about you. I haven't needed a babysitter since the third grade. That was last year.
Look. It's Swiper, okay? He's working with the Iranians now. And now you need an explorer.
Too bad. You know I'm out of the game. Dora.
He's after the Destiny medallion. They've already swiped the first half. What, the no-swiping treaty of 1979? I think Akhba Denejad gives a shit about that.
I don't know.
Akhba Denejad gives a shit about that? Admit it. All you're exploring.
The quest for the little blue train. The lost baby frog.
The bullet that killed Hitler. This Destiny medallion means more to you than all of those combined. I'll do it. But not for you, and not for the medallion.
Someone needs to remind that bastard that what he does is not okay. Someone needs to look him in the eye and say, Swiper, no swiping! Won't condition.
I'm your partner. End of the road, explorers. Nice work, Boots! Sorry, Diego. I already have a partner. Feel free to tag along if you want.
Boots! Vaminos! Cool, Thor.
Sorry. If you're not going to order something, you've got to get out, man.
Destiny, away. What do we do now? The Destiny medallion has been buried here for millennia.
Give up your secrets! Do you know how to solve the puzzle? |
dropout | Hardware_Store_CEO_We_re_Rebranding_For_Some_Reason | Hi America, my name is Mark Hardstart, and I'm the CEO of Midland Park Hardware, founded in 1948 by my father, Carl Hardstart, built on the simple values of honesty, integrity, and being a good neighbor. That tradition of authenticity has positioned us with a unique brand asset to disrupt the global local domestics industry and revolutionize the market perceptions of solutions to market problems. Lucas, I'm a little lost bud. Grandpa, what don't you get? Well, first off, I'm not really a CEO, I just own the store. And second, why are we making a commercial? It's not a commercial, remember grandpa?
It's a sizzle for the rebrand launch party. Oh, it's a sizzle for the Danlawn, lawn party, I gotcha.
It's something we have to do to reframe Midland Park Hardware as more than a store, more of like a community lifestyle experience. But we are just a store though. When my adult grandson, Lucas, came back from business school, he saw what a treasure we had in this legacy family business. Armed with over 40 years of work experience on my end and over four hours of watching Gary Vaynerchuk YouTube videos on his, we make a pretty good team. We're excited to talk about all the new changes coming to Midland Park Hardware. First, Midland Park Hardware isn't just a hardware store, I guess, it's a way of life. By signing up for MIDS, the Midland Park Hardware app, you're immediately given access to the Midland Park Hardware Discord server at the titanium tier. There, not only can you check out all of the awesome Midland Park Hardware news and updates, of which there are many, you can connect with other hard, hard hats. That's what we call our community members, hard hats.
I feel like the world kind of left me behind a little bit. Were you saying something?
Oh, it's okay, I keep reading your copy, you're such a smart good boy. Make sure to tag the MIDS app on social media posts for a chance to receive free membership to the Ladder of the Month Club, where we offer an in-depth personality quiz so that we can send you a brand new 30-foot ladder every month, curated to your preferences. Sorry, I'm sorry, we send these folks a ladder every month? Yes, we do. They're going to have 12 ladders at the end of the year, Lucas. It's not really about the ladders, Grandpa. We sell the data from the personality quiz, do you get it? I, uh, I'm so sad. Grandpa, keep reading the copy.
Why go through the hassle of going to the store to buy nails when you could instead have the much easier process of signing up for a monthly nail subscription service with your user data? For a small monthly fee, you gain access to the entire catalog of Midland Park hardware nails and are afforded the ability to rent them from a set of premium... Sorry, bud, I just, I kind of said it like it was normal, but it's crazy. Are we renting nails to people? Yeah, we are. It's very disruptive to the industry. I'm very disruptive. I wouldn't even know how to return nails. Grandpa, I'm not going to apologize for coming up with a Spotify of nails, okay?
This is how we win. This is how we pivot, rebrand, and crush. Don't you want to crush? Don't you want to crush Spring Street Lake hardware into the dirt?
Oh, Ted? No, I love Ted.
He runs a great hardware store. God damn it, Grandpa! Midland Park hardware is a legacy institution, but in business, the newest and most exciting idea with the least research and adopted the fastest is always the best. That's why, effective immediately, we are shutting down our historic Elm Street location. Lucas, that's the store! Location is dead, Grandpa!
Midland Park hardware, your local hardware store now, and also with ads. Subscribe to our platform in order, well, you can't get rid of the ads, but you can subscribe to our platform to tailor your ad experience with a personality quiz. Coming this summer, keep an eye out for Midland Park hardware pop-ups of branded 3D interactive experience where we bring the world of online shopping at a local hardware store to you.
Lucas, quick question, bud. What is a pop-up? It's like a physical location that a business puts together to help market itself and drive interest to the brand. Huh. Do people ever have a sort of long-term pop-up? Oh my God, like a permanent pop-up? Yeah, a permanent pop-up.
I mean, Grandpa, that's a pretty good idea. We could even have one on Elm Street if we want. Right in downtown? Yeah! Oh my God, Grandpa, this is kind of genius. We're going to be the first exclusively online legacy startup with a permanent pop-up. Wait, where on Elm Street do you have a permanent pop-up? Well, we could do 724 Elm Street. You know, we could take the store, and the store could be a permanent pop-up.
Grandpa, for the last time, stop tricking me into inventing stuff that already exists! I'll be honest, I'm getting a little fed up, Lucas. You've been talking out of the side of your mouth for a minute now. I think you've, yes, you watched an episode of Shark Tank.
That does not mean you understand business, okay? Your old grandpa, not some commie socialist, I understand how to make a dollar. And what you need to understand is this is not how the world works. This type of behavior is not rewarded.
Hello? Yeah?
Yeah, we will sell. We will sell immediately. Grandpa? Grandpa is the CEO of Y Combinator, and they want to give us two billion dollars to buy the brand. We're both on the board as long as we can crash ten plus businesses a year.
Winners!
I hereby renounce capitalism in all its forms and would like to request membership in the Communist Party. Craft Beer Nights.
Bocce Ball with the interns. Do we have interns? We have a bunch of interns now. The majority of our workforce will now be interns.
Oh no. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_on_more_of_summer_s_hottest_tips_snl | Well, it's almost summertime in New York, which means millions of people will be hitting the streets to see what New York in the summer has to offer. here, with some tips on what they should check out.
Yeah, you guessed it. our City Correspondent, Stephon. here he is, my man. Hey, Stephon. Hi. what are you up to, buddy?
Oh, the things these eyes have seen. Yeah.
Now, Stephon, Stephon, the summer means lots, lots of special events. What's a good venue for families looking to get together and celebrate? If you're looking to celebrate the summer, I know just the place for you.
New York's hottest club is Scampi. illegally parked behind the Statue of Liberty, this hate speech haven is the creation of frat boy guru D-bag Jopra. And this place has everything, zip drives, gozers, kesha. And I guess you may drop by. is it Ryan Seacrest? no. it's a drowned albino who looks like Axl Rose. Plus, for the kids, there's a special workshop where you can build a bear, but not the kind you think. So come by this weekend and check out a Vip section filled with furtlenecks.
Oh, I'm sorry, do you mean turtlenecks? no, no, no, no, no, no, furtlenecks. it's a thing when fat guys have a beard, but only on their chin roll. Stefan, look, I don't mean to cut you off, but that place just doesn't sound right. but they even have a pack of roaming draggers. Now, what are draggers? it's a thing of when an old dog has short legs, but a long penis. Stefan.
Now, New York has so many cultural events during the summer months. can you recommend just one of those? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You want culture and you want it Now, I've got the place for you. New York's Hottest Club is ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.
Written and directed by James L. Brooks. This place has everything. backpacks, sea lions, Ron Wood. a rental car filled with bottled water. my best friend Joel. plus a special appearance by evil celebrity Chef Wario Batali. he's just like his brother, except he doesn't wear crocs. All right, well. I can't wait to meet him. But, Stefan, for people who want culture, like regular culture, like theater, where can they go? for that, try Blindfolded Theater Group Shakespeare in the Dark. this year, they're performing the Scottish play. Mick Beth? no, Jack Beth.
Oh, okay. the story of a seven-foot-tall female bodybuilder. she's got the heart of gold and a voice as deep as the Mighty Mississippi. Well, she sounds like quite a woman. I went to prom with her.
Oh, no. Stefan, I'm gonna do you a favor here. I'm gonna narrow it down. why don't you tell us some spots people can go to for Fourth of July? Absolutely. Do you want to celebrate the Fourth of July in style?
New York's hottest club is Hello. So, what? what place? Hello. Okay, okay. this place has everything.
Raffy's, yeti cabs, Petticabs driven by yetis. Slowpoke's, a woman with nowhere to turn.
Just for the Fourth of July, they've got a special display of Jewish fireworks. What are Jewish fireworks? the ones that go, Booooo!
The whole thing is hosted by cross-dressing founding father, Jen Jimin Franklin.
And if there's a lightning storm, he'll tie a key to the end of it. the end of his kite? No, honey, not his kite.
So, this year, on America's birthday, give her what she really wants, a hearty salute and a human R2-d2. I'm sorry, for those of us who don't know, what is a human R2-d2? it's a thing of when a midget on roller skates dials a speakerphone and you put a garbage can over their head.
I'm sorry, Stefan. I know, I say this everywhere. Stefan, you can count me out because I'm taking my girlfriend to the beach and I'd invite you, but there's only room for two And our convertible? Fine. guess I'll just eat poison till I die. Oh, boy, Stefan. All right, fine. you can come, I'll make my girlfriend walk. Fourth of July. celebrate with a bang. wait, no, I meant too late. you're doing it. Stefan, everybody, have a great summer. have a great summer. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_215_Troy_Cassar_Daley_Round_2 | Errol Parker here. Clancy Overall is off sick doing something, I'd say he's sick, he's been asked to use up his annual leave by the board. So this week we've got Wendell Hussey in on the program. Wendell, how are you? Yeah, going really well, thanks Errol.
Look, I actually saw on Clancy's Instagram story a photo of Piers Morgan, so I think maybe he might have been catching up with him potentially. He's back in the country for the TV show, so. Well yeah, I think, look, I'd say I'm probably one of the only people on earth who's seen Clancy without a beard, and if you compare him up against Piers Morgan, he's a dead ringer. That would all make sense to me mate, yeah. Meeting of the minds. So look, good to be filling in for Clancy, great to have the return of the Bundjalung Falcon. Yes, I'm back, I'm back, and great to see you two fellas. Yes, it's good to see you too Troy, and for those listening at home who can't see Troy on the big screen here, Troy Cassadale is back for his second appearance on the Batutah aggregate radio show, and this time it's a project that I'd say probably isn't born out of lockdown this time Troy.
No, this was actually recorded well before lockdowns and face masks and all that sort of stuff, and I didn't even get a chance to have a look at these tracks before I went into COVID, I was just, you know, everyone was too busy, and if it wasn't for COVID I don't think I would have actually had the time to sit down and actually, you know, go through all the recordings, and we had 82 shows to go through, and if you want to listen to yourself for 82 shows you're a better man than me, I can tell you. Because you were recording it at all weren't you as well, sound checks, all the bits and pieces? The whole lot, and I had my daughter with me, she was doing, you know, the gap year thing, and I said listen, if you really do love music, this is going to be the one that's going to get you over the line, you know, you're going to really fall in love with it or hate it because there's early mornings, you know, there's flights, there's long drives and all that crap, and she said look, I'll take you up on that offer, but I really wanted to take her around, I particularly booked all the places that I've actually really loved since I was 20 years old and took her there, and got a chance so she could see the country. Bit of a tour guide from dad there. Yeah, definitely. So it's 50 songs and 50 towns, and you're saying it's from 82 different shows that you did, who did go through and go, we want this song from this show, and we want it from this town, how did that all come about, who had to sit down and listen to it, or was there some kind of back and forth, are you being like, I reckon that one was a good one, I reckon that one was a good one, pick those? Look it's a good question, because I couldn't listen to 82 shows, there's no way, neither could my poor manager, you know, so what I did, I made note every night I came off stage, we knew we were going to record the lot, but every sound check, every time I came off stage, I always mention to my manager or my front of house fellow who did the recording, I say, look, I really enjoyed the version of this song tonight, I love the feel of this crowd here, you know, whether we played in Cootes Crossing or were up there in Jabiru in the Northern Territory, there were certain things, and my daughter also would come off stage and say, now that show in Darwin was like the highlight of the whole thing for me, make sure if there's anything you use in mind dad, make sure it's something from Darwin or Jabiru gets used, you know, so we made note of things, not thinking we're ever going to get to this stuff, it was always like pie in the sky, but you get two years lockdown, you get plenty of time on your hands, bit of free time to listen to some stuff, oh mate, I tell you, I was that bored, and I was so bored, I went, how about we have a look at those songs? 32 towns would have missed out then, do you reckon there'll be any that are filthy they didn't make the cut? There's probably a couple that were such bad shows, they don't deserve to be there, because there's a couple of shows, and I won't mention towns, but they were really, really shitty crowds, like not bad in numbers, but just talk over you when you're trying to do an acoustic show, you know? Yeah, right. And my daughter would come off and go, dad, I think they hated me at this show, and I'd say, well, you know, that's what happens, that's entertainment, Darwin. Yeah.
That's just Sydney, I guess. Are you saying that Sydney didn't get a run in this thing? I didn't even remember Sydney, I thought we had Sydney, so we had Thoreau, is that close enough? Well, I think the people of that town would be a bit dirty if you lumped them in with those people down there in Sydney, I tell you what, and probably vice versa too.
Touring around with your daughter Jem, the Newcastle Daily on the block, how was that experience? Oh, look, it was amazing to have your kid out there, I'd been through some pretty awful things in getting the chance to have to keep working through that grief that I had. It was good having her with me, to tell you the truth, Wendell, it was a hard time, I lost a really good mate as well through suicide, who was a guitar playing friend, so yeah, we spent a lot of time, you know, she used to stay in a room near me, and she'd always have a bit of a knock on the door and come and get me a cup of tea and just make sure I was okay, and I haven't seen that side of my daughter because she's never had to really console me or look after me, but this couple of weeks that we're out there on the road, when things were pretty dire, I was also fighting with her mother, that didn't help me too much either, and she wasn't taking sides either, she's a very neutral kid, and you know, she really did sort of be on the road at the right time for me. Yeah, right, sounds like she's pretty switched on for a young kid, going off, doing all that sort of stuff, looking out for her and really stepping up there. Oh, she's definitely, you know, older than a year, she's only still 21, but yeah, she's got a big heart, and I think she really did understand what was going on in my life at the time too, which wasn't flash. 2019, the best thing to come out of it was the tour with my daughter, and to be able to hold onto these recordings, I could hear in the recordings, the little bit that I listened to, I could hear in there the certain nights where it was really affecting me, and then the other nights where you felt like the crowd was just a buffer for you, and they were just riding along like a cloud, you know.
Yeah. Were there a fair few eye-opening experiences for her on that? Were there some things where you had to go, yeah, Jim, this is going to happen, you know, you're talking about the crowd talking over and probably a bit sourced up, I'd imagine, when they're kind of making a bit of noise and not being the best crowd. Were there a few things like that, that you had to go, oh, this is what's going to happen if you want to do this going forward? Yeah, but we were standing in the line at about 4.45, trying to get on this flight, and she was looking very shabby because she had about, you know, three hours sleep, and she said, Dad, this is shit. And I said, welcome to the entertainment industry. There was a few of those moments where she was like... Welcome to first grade. Yeah. And there was that moment, there was also moments sitting in the car where she's asleep, and I've taken a few photos of her with the mouth open on the pillow, and showed her, I told her the first thing I was going to do was chuck her on Insta and shame her out in front of all her friends. There were a few, you got to play the normal pranks, the dad pranks on them. Yeah, for the main part, she was a pretty resilient little plant, you know, she didn't take too much looking after, she was always on time, she was always in the foyer on time, and I taught her that from early on because there's nothing worse than having that one member of the band that's going to be late to the foyer, and they're making everyone hang around waiting for them, and I said, don't be that person if you can, you know? If you can, yeah, nice.
Well, Troy, we've come to the conclusion that the worst crowds probably in Sydney, where were the best crowds? No, Sydney was all right, I can tell you now, the best crowds for us, I think we played this little tiny hall near Grafton, where I come from, and it's in Cootes Crossing, and I have to say it could only hold maybe 110 people, they made singers, it was a real old fashioned country thing, but the lady that used to book this particular gig, for me as a young bloke, still books the gig, and that's a big full circle moment for me, and it was also for Jem, I said to Jem, you're going to love this place, I said, you know, half the crowd will be our family, and the other half will be just friends and that that we've made over the years that she's met, and it was just the most incredible gig, there was amazing, up through Arnhem Land, where I first started going, when I was about 20 years old, I started going up there with a tour, and I haven't stopped since, I've been going up there for 35 years, and I took her up there as well, and for her to meet all the people that I first met up there was pretty special, she saw crocodiles at Kales Crossing going into Arnhem Land, she saw all the real stuff, she met a lot of traditional owners up there, and it was pretty incredible to introduce my kid, like I have done with my son, to my friends that I've had up there for such a long time, you know?
And she's got her own, I know we're talking about the 50 songs, 50 towns, but Jem's got her own thing going now as well, she's just launching her career too, solo? Mate, she's been going great guns, and once again, you know, every time she over thinks stuff, I sort of send her onto a mother, she's more like a mother than me, I don't overthink anything, and she sort of goes to her mum, oh, I haven't got a dress and stuff like that, and the mother goes, oh, well, you better get onto it, and then she's, the mother's hemming it up before the show, I don't suffer all that stuff, but she has a great little career going, she's got a little EP out at the moment, and we went to the launch the other night, and even a brother who hates getting up and singing with her, got up and sang with her, and just, they sounded so beautiful together, I'm just really proud of both of them, like Clay really thinks the world of his sister, and is really supportive, but you know, she's got a lot of great things, I think she's, I don't know whether it's announced yet, but she's doing, maybe I'll have to do a scoop here on the tutor, I think she's going away with film at Plum at some stage, but I hope that's for real, because otherwise I might have blown it for her, but she's pretty excited. Yeah, that's a big go. Yeah, well I think Film is amazing, and Gem's idolised her for years as a young Indigenous woman who talks the talk and doesn't just talk, but she walks it as well, I think she's a great role model for Gem, and I've just been really chuffed to see that any opportunities that come in Gem's way, she's taken with a bit of grace, you know, she's not getting too excited or worried about things, she just gets there and plays, and it's when she plays is when she gets more work, which is lovely, it's the best way to do it. Yeah, right, that does sound very exciting.
Since you were last on the show, you had a pretty notable achievement, I believe, you chalked up 40 Golden Guitar Awards and passed a couple of blokes by the name of Slim Dusty and Lee Kernighan to go right to the top of the table. How was that moment when all that kind of happened? What was the thought process there? Oh yeah, that was a real double-edged sword for me, because the first thing I didn't want to do is break any records of Slim's or Lee's, you know, because Slim and Lee were equal at the time, and I had this conversation with Lee as well, like we've been mates for a long, long time, and I said it's really not sitting with me, I feel like I should be doing what Tubby Taylor did and declare before you get to the Don's record, you know, and Lee sort of graciously said, look mate, you know, we're going to have to keep moving forward, that's the way our industry has to work, you know, and then I got in touch with Slim Dusty's widow, Joy McKean, and she put me at ease when she said, whatever happens on that night that we had the awards, she said, just know that the Dusty family are barracking for you, and she made the whole thing feel okay. It didn't sit with me for a long time, and it was only until I was a week out that this smart-ass mate rang me and said, you know, that if you get two Golden Guitar Awards, you're going to be past the great Slim Dusty. Yeah. And I just went, yeah, I didn't really need to hear that, but that's all I could think about on the week running in there, I went straight from Blues Fest, where my wife got COVID, and we went straight up to Tamworth, and she had to lock herself in a room and isolate in Tamworth for the whole week, poor thing. Was there almost a part of you then that was like, oh, maybe I'll just have one and then I'll just leave it at that, you know? Mate, it was definitely in the back of my mind.
Don't give me that second award this year. Well, I suppose you could have done what Matthew Hayden did and scored 380 against a bunch of accountants and farmers from Zimbabwe. I mean, at least you haven't done that. You've done it against tier one opposition.
Yeah. Look, I mean, you know, obviously Lee and I are good mates and obviously I've loved Slim's music since I was a kid, so it was a tough one, but it's a wonderful thing to have to look back on now. And I'm sure my grandkids one day might look that up and go, hey, that was pretty cool that old Poppy did that, you know? Yeah, I reckon they might.
You had a story last time you were on the show, you were talking about the first time you met Slim and the bits and pieces of advice he gave. Are you starting to kind of get to the point now where you're becoming a bit of a godfather figure to the industry? Are you noticing a lot of people coming up to you, younger guys looking for advice, seeing you as that real figure that kind of overlooks the industry or the guy who's just done it all?
I definitely have. I mean, I noticed that a few years ago once the young guri kids started calling me uncle and that's not going away. And I wear that with pride. I do get a lot of kids getting in touch through Instagram, have a look at my single, let me know what you reckon, and you can't get back to everyone. We get quite a lot of that. But I do like the kids that come with genuine questions about where they should be going next, because I mean, I had all those questions that I used to ask Slim and Slim's advice was very simple to me and mine is exactly the same. I often say to themselves, you know, just find your story, you know, everyone's got a story and whether it's good or bad or indifferent or whatever, we've got a story and you've got to be able to tell that story and that's what makes you unique. So there's a lot of kids that do ask and I love that. I mean, I'm all for it, but there's only a matter of time that I've got to be able to get back to everybody and I'm sure they understand that we're all busy, you know.
Speaking of the next generation, I've been noticing a little bit, not so much in the country scene, but there's been a few samples and remixes getting around in modern music, Land Down Under's getting around, there's Stone Roses, there's a few different ones. If there was kind of some from this next generation of maybe, you know, the more EDM, poppy kind of stuff, that electronic music, what do you reckon, what one of your songs could potentially be good for a bit of drum and bass behind it and a bit of a hype chorus, what do you reckon? I had a bloke years ago that did a remix of one of my tunes and turned it into a dance song and it scared the life out of me. And he sent it to me and he said, can you just do another vocal on this and send it back? And it was, I'm full-on European Euro disco stuff, I don't know what that is, but yeah, there was a song called Big Big Love, but I should try and find that copy and send it to you guys.
I would love to hear that. It's very, very wacky, but it's a good wacky and I think that if I brought it out now and sort of gave it to some kids to use, I'm sure it would probably get a bit of a run of airplay, because it's actually, it's right up that alley. I never thought of that, so thanks guys. I might actually do that. Yeah, might get some airtime. Get some big plays for that one.
Whereabouts now? We are halfway through a tour, half-time at the moment. Halfway through a tour. Ian Moss and I have been doing the touring all over the countryside and it's been amazing doing this tour with Ian. We've been to just about every corner of the country so far. We haven't covered Adelaide and West Australia and stuff, so we're going to get into those two states, South Australia and stuff like that.
It's been incredible sitting on stage with Ian, because you know, we've been mates for a long, long time, but we've never had a chance to make any music, so he's, he had a month off in his schedule and I decided I'd take a month off too, just in between everything and just, who wants to go out at winter time anyway? It's, it's a bit of a, bit of a suck time to go out. Everyone in Victoria, mate, that's when they come into their own. The Tasmanians, you know, these are people who hate summer. It was cold enough when we went to Tasmania in summertime. Oh mate, they live in the cold down there. No, I gather that's when it is time to come out, but we did Melbourne and played down there.
It was, it was freezing cold and, but everyone still came out, but that's, that's been incredible. And we're doing some recordings of that as well. One day we might release 12 tracks of things that we've, you know, discovered on our way through with that Ian and I have done, but it's been great playing with someone like him. He's rock and roll royalty, amazing.
Yeah, yeah. And I hear there's a little bit of artwork getting made at the moment? Yeah. Look, I'm, I'm restoring an eh at the moment.
And, um, my wife doesn't know half of what I've spent on this stupid thing. And if there's anyone listening that would understand it or appreciate that, you know, you know, it's a need to know basis that type of stuff, but very, very much so. So you're squirreling away guitars and then selling something to buy new sets of wheels and all this crap.
But I've done some artwork at the same time. So what I'm going to do is to make sure that I give people a chance to see the car because a few of them have been sort of saying, Hey, when are you unveiling this bloody old thing, you know? And so we're going to do an art little art show. I've been doing some painting at the moment. We're going to do a little exhibition plus unveiling of the car. The car's got, it's an eh and it's got a v8 in it.
Yep. So it's going to look pretty smicked and it sounds amazing. It already got knocked back for its first, you know, DB test. So I gather it's going to be okay. Yeah. Well, just as long as it doesn't hum like a Tesla, man, I'm sure it'll definitely be a crowd pleaser. And so that might be getting unveiled around August. Is that what we're thinking? Yeah. Around August. Yeah.
We're going to do that in Brissy here and just, just give people a chance. I'll pop the bonnet and they can have a squeeze at that as well as the artwork and then do some songs, make a little show of it as well. So it'd be like an album launch for these 50 songs.
And I don't even know why I'm doing it. My manager said, look, all that art stuff you're doing, you should be doing a little exhibition and print some off so people can actually buy a couple of prints and I didn't even think of that. I don't think, like I say, I don't overthink anything.
Yeah. And as long as I know where the car is going to be parked, when it gets back, I'll be all right. No.
Well, that's all the data manager is really, is a paid thinker. Well, you know, my manager is really, really good at doing the thinking for me and she does all the organizing. But if I can get in the car and get across town and park it there so that people can see the motor and stuff, I think I'll be more than happy. But all I got to do is sing. So that's the best job in the world, really.
Yeah. One thing I've noticed over the last little while, Troy and just curious to hear your thoughts about what can be done. Not a lot of TV shots I've noticed on the Instagram and the Twitter lately in terms of a certain rugby league team. They've been not quite as many as last year around the back end of last year. Yeah. Look, I think the trouble is, I just don't think Twitter and alcohol are a good mix. My wife says to me, look, when Uncle Troy comes out, you know, just be really careful. And it's funny because I've really let go sometimes. But we haven't had a lot of wins. Nah.
So we're just cruising at the moment. We're just finding our feet. Latrell's obviously getting that hammy sorted out.
He's back in the country now. And poor old New South Wales were hoping he'd come back.
But that's just very unfortunate there. How relieved do you reckon they were at South City when they managed to just be like, he's not playing game two. It's not happening. He's not going to Perth, guys. I mean, you know, Josh, Josh had a car still out there at Bloody Bulldogs. They should have put him in there.
Yeah. What's he done to Freddie? What's happened there at the back end of last year? Something's going on. I don't know what was said. Pranked his car or something at training. Yeah.
I don't know whether he was putting rocks in someone's bag. He filled up Freddie's bag with rocks and then all the boys laughed at him.
And that was it. Freddie's had enough. That was it.
He didn't take 2022 off, mate. Yeah. Or he doesn't want to do the 8 a.m. yoga class. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The barefoot, the earthing. That's what Freddie likes to do after the yoga earthing down there at Coogee Oval. Earthing? He loves the earthing, Freddie.
I do stay away from Twitter on footy nights at the moment, but I probably will get back into the swing of it when I get back. When Uncle Troy's allowed off the leash again, you know, he has a bit of time. So I've got to be careful.
Yeah. Well, hopefully they time their run and then come the end of the year, give you something to cheer about. I hope so.
I'm a long-suffering West Tigers fan, Troy. Oh, you poor bugger. You and Anthony wiggle, man. He's a bit like Uncle Troy at times, too.
I've noticed he gets off the leash when that skivvy comes off and he gets there and he's very frustrated getting reffed out of games, you know. Yeah, I'm not. I mean, those refs, I mean, they're just, it's a killer, you know, just every week it just seems to be costing us, I don't know. Something we've got to work on with the refs, I think, just the way we talked on.
I think so. I did get on a bit of a thing about the bunker, but I've got to let it go. I really do. Just lastly, Troy, so we've got 10 songs a month dropping until August and then you can collect them all, the three CDs, it all comes out completely then in August there. Yeah, Wendell, I just thought we'd just drip feed it out. There was not meant to be a big fuss about doing this recording, but I really, the more I actually got involved in putting it together, the more inspired I was to actually make sure that people knew it was out. And like, I'm not hardly doing much press at all.
Really, all I wanted to do was let people know that if you want an honest record with 50 songs on it, to go for a drive across the country with, this is probably the CD or you might want to, you know, download it or stream it or whatever you do these days. But there's still a lot of people in my older Uncle Troy generation that want to buy a CD and want to stick it in their car and go across the country, you know, and play it as well. 50 songs would get you a fair way too, wouldn't it?
What's that? Yeah, yeah, not to take in. You go probably halfway from Grafton to Sydney? You'd get Grafton to Brizzy easy, wouldn't you, 50 songs? You'd think so, yeah. I wouldn't put anyone through that, not in one big hit. You just gotta, just dole yourself on it, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the EH, mate, you're going flat out, you know, with your, with your headphones in, probably. Yeah, you won't, you won't hear it in that. No.
So in the first edition here, we have recordings from places like Milton and Yamba, both two places that, you know, quite similar, but on either ends of the spectrum, I'd say. And then we go out to places locally here, to Batura out there, to Blackhall, home of Jackie Howe, and over across to Port Hedland.
Is there any way you didn't really go, Troy? Well, we only had 80 odd shows, so we, we sort of had to make sure we just got to everywhere we could. But to be honest, I mean, and one of the reasons I did so many shows was that my wife and I were having such trouble. I was actually booking things to get away from home.
Yeah. And that's no word of a lie.
I was like, I was running in 2019 and running from all sorts of things. But this record is the result of a whole bunch of shows that we could just physically make. We're even adding, adding them on the run. If we wanted to get Western Australia, we did parts of Western Australia like Manjura.
I've got a chance to take my daughter for a walk there. And there was dolphins and stuff carrying on in the water right near us. And so all those experiences that she had, I'm hopefully, she'll be able to carry them for the rest of her life now. And when she does travel, she'll at least understand where she is.
Yeah. 82 shows. That's a big, big run. Will you ever do another run like that again? Oh, if I'm divorced, I probably would. You know, Willie Nelson does more than that. Yeah. So that's, that's getting up into his territory.
He does about, one year. I think he told me he did 250 shows in one year.
Yeah, mate. He's a vampire, that bloke, I reckon. Just a machine. A machine. So yeah.
82 is nothing compared to Willie Nelson.
Yeah. Well, thanks, Troy. It's been a great interview, mate.
And we're looking forward to catching you out on the road. I think it's going to be an absolutely cracking three set volume of, mate, it's an absolute road atlas.
Well, it's something that I've never done. I've never done a live acoustic ear record like this.
And it's something that, if it wasn't for COVID, I probably would, it'd still be on a bloody hard drive somewhere in the studio. Yeah. So there's silver lining. So a lot of the things that happened in COVID, but, you know, I made a record as well and got to singing out my blues and that. And then we also had time to sit down and actually find these songs. And if people can enjoy them, that's great. And I'm, like I say, you fellas just have to keep up the good work with what Patoota does. I get such a trip out of just opening up Instagram and just laughing my ass off. And you just got to keep it going because, you know, we needed that. And that's a lot of that humour got us through COVID when things were really shitty. You guys made it really, really work for me.
So thank you. Well, mate, we'll just have to keep going until Albo come to close us down. With the AFP or something, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll just make us part of the state media. Yeah, mate. Cheers, Troy. No worries, we'll have nothing to talk to you. We'll hang out for that European dance music track. I'll be sending it straight to you when I find it. Thanks. Thanks, Troy. See you, boys. |
dropout | don_t_ask_don_t_tell | I see a whole mess of panzers along the western front. What are we gonna do sir? I'll tell you what we're gonna do. I'm gonna run over there rendezvous with that division. You're gonna give me cover fire. Yes sir.
Oh and son, there's a reason they don't have sixties in the army.
Now cover me! Sarge! David!
Now you see... Well I didn't play college ball. How bad is your brother? Not bad at all sir. Matic! Alright sir, let me have a look at you. What the hell are you doing son? You some kind of quid?
No sir, I need to examine the Andrew rune or you'll bleed to death. No sir, try to get me naked. I'm not trying to get you naked sir, I'm trying to save your life. Now if I'm the exit wound, I think I can block the artery off. I'm gonna roll you over. I'm trying to find the exit wound. You're trying to get a peek of my corn hole is what you're trying to do boy.
Sir, I do not want to have relations with you. Now if you would stop being so paranoid about whether or not I'm a homosexual, I might be able to save your life. I don't want to die! Sir, you're not gonna die. I'm a queer. I don't want to die a queer. Okay now stop that.
You're losing a lot of blood. You gotta stay warm. Sir, you have to stay warm.
You're trying to get sweet on me sir. We ain't in the back of your daddy's studio baby. Last time, I do not want to have sex with you. No no, stay with me Sarge. Oh no. I knew it! I knew he was trying to get sweet on me. You nasty little queen. Can I help you like this sir? I'm going for backup.
I bet you'd like that. No more than Mary. Twisted. Shut up you ignorant hill ape. It's the medic, I see the medic. Over here. There you go.
Dr. Rosenberg. Dr. Rosenberg?
Yeah. Did you? Yeah. No sir. No. Sir, no. Ain't no Hebrew touching me. Now.
Ain't try to liquor me up. I don't care how much liquor you give me. I never give into your sinful ways but.
Okay, maybe a little bit. Go. That's Apple-tini. |
SaturdayNightLive | pete_davidson_stand_up_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Davidson. it's great to be back. All right. All right, I'm gonna get right into it.
I, uh, trying to bond with my sister. you know, I'm about to be 30. I'm turning 30 next month.
Yeah. it's over. You know, it's over. um, trying to bond with my sister. you know, I feel like we should have a better relationship. You know, me and my sister have nothing in common. you know, she assists brain surgery. and I'm a drug addict. you know? So, nothing. So, I was trying to find something we could do, you know, so we could bond. and I was like, we should watch a tv show. that's easy. you know, you just sit there. you don't got to do anything. you just sit there every five minutes, you're like, oh, hmm, hmm, hmm. So, I was like, we'll do this, you know? And me and my sister both never saw Game of Thrones, right?
I know.
I didn't know. it's the number-one show in the world. I had no idea how sick everyone was.
I thought it was like dragons and stuff and magic. hardly any dragons. lots of incest. tons of incest. so much incest. you can leave the house, come back. insest still happening. it's a very weird show to watch when you're trying to find common ground with your sister. I was so uncomfortable watching this, you guys. I was watching it, and I was like, oh, man, this is so weird, you know? like, I wonder how she feels, you know? So, I put out a feeler, you know? I was like, hey, this is pretty weird, huh? And she was like, i love it! I was like, yeah, but, you know, the incest, you know? it's like a no-go, right? And she was like, wow, it was a different time. I was like, am I about to bang this chick? what's going on? I probably wouldn't get her.
I'm too insecure. I'm very insecure, you guys. I think it's because the high school football coach used to call me a pussy, you know? and I wasn't even on the team. just find me in class, you pussy.
I'm, you guys, I'm from Staten Island, right? So, this is a big deal to me. I grew up right around here. if you don't know what Staten Island is, it's the only island in the world with a worse reputation than Epstein's somehow. But in Staten Island, the kids molest the priests. everything's backwards down there. you know, a lot of people ask me, and by that, I mean two, is this what I wanted to do when I grew up? And no, I am from Staten Island. my dream was to be a construction worker. it was, you know? hopefully, you know, work for a construction company for like eight years, and then if I'm lucky, you know, fall off a ladder, sue the city for six mil, you know? settle for three, marry some chick I had a crush on in high school, you know? and that I'm not even really into anymore, but no one else could have her. that was my dream.
I remember the first night I went to do a stand-up show. I love this story. it's like my origin story. So I used to have sex with this girl in my car because in Staten Island, that's like a condo. Yeah, so we were in my two-bedroom Cherokee. one of you. And this girl was awesome. she was just a sex friend. it was her idea, you know? she was awesome, you know? they don't make them like that anymore. the good old bros, you know? So I remember it was actually the first night I ever had a stand-up show, but I forgot because I was having sex, right? and I actually didn't realize till after I finished, like immediately after.
I was like, oh, oh! you know, like, i'm late, you know? and early, relaxed, you know? And I was so nervous to tell this girl. that's so rude, I didn't want to be like, well, bye. You know, because we were supposed to get pizza after, you know, because that's my guarantee, you know? door to door, hit a slice, you know? So I was so nervous to tell her, you know? I was like, i'm so sorry, you know? I forgot, I have a show tonight in the city. could we get pizza tomorrow?
And she was like, oh, of course, you tried to stand up? that's amazing, go for it, that's so cool. And I was like, wow, thanks, yeah. and then she said something, you guys, that I'll never forget. I still think about it today. she said the coolest thing anybody's ever said to me. she's just putting on her shirt. she just goes, hey, maybe one day I'll be watching Tv with my husband and you'll pop on. Yeah, and then I'll turn to my husband and I'll go, hey, I banged that guy. and I was like, would you read my diary? Who said, who says that? that was so cool, who says that? I remember being all hyped up driving to the city, like, I will be a comedian. and I think about that because it's very special, you know, she kind of predicted the future, that's so cool. like, I did get on Tv, That's very cool. she tragically died of an overdose two years later. Yes, that's what I said, she was one for two. Yeah, and I found out, this is messed up, I found out because I was actually watching Tv with my girlfriend and she popped on. And then I turned to my girlfriend and I went, hey, I banged that girl.
So I was like, we'll do this, you know, And me and my sister both never saw Game of Thrones, right? I know, I know, I didn't know, it's the number one show in the world, I had no idea how sick everyone was. I thought it was like dragons and stuff and magic, hardly any dragons, lots of incest, tons of incest, so much incest, you can leave the house, come back, incest still happening. it's a very weird show to watch when you're trying to find common ground with your sister.
I was so uncomfortable watching this, you guys, I was watching it, I was like, oh man, this is so weird, you know? like, I wonder how she feels, you know? so I put out a feeler, you know? I was like, hey, this is pretty weird, huh? And she was like, i love it. I was like, yeah, but you know, the incest, you know? it's like a no-go, right? she was like, wow, it was a different time. I was like, am I about to bang this chick? what's going on? I probably wouldn't get her, I'm too insecure, I mean, I'm very insecure, you guys.
I think it's because the high school football coach used to call me a pussy, you know? and I wasn't even on the team. Just find me in class, you pussy.
I'm A, you guys, I'm from Staten Island, right? So this is a big deal to me. I grew up right around here. If you don't know what Staten Island is, it's the only island in the world with a worse reputation than Epstein's somehow. But in Staten Island, the kids molest the priests. everything's backwards down there. you know, a lot of people ask me, and by that I mean two, is this what I wanted to do? is this what I wanted to do when I grew up? And no, I am from Staten Island. my dream was to be a construction worker. it was, you know? hopefully, you know, work for a construction company for like eight years, and then if I'm lucky, you know, fall off a ladder, sue the city for six mil, you know, settle for three, marry some chick I had a crush on in high school, you know? and that I'm not even really into anymore, but no one else could have her. that was my dream.
I remember the first night I went to do a standup show. I love this story, it's like my origin story. so I used to have sex with this girl in my car because in Staten Island, that's like a condo. Yeah, so we were in my two bedroom Cherokee. one of you. and this girl was awesome. she was just a sex friend. it was her idea, you know? she was awesome, you know? they don't make them like that anymore, you know? the good old bros, you know? So I remember it was actually the first night I ever had a standup show, but I forgot because I was having sex, right? and I actually didn't realize till after I finished, like immediately after.
I was like, oh, oh, you know, like, i'm late, you know? and early, relax. And I was so nervous to tell this girl. I didn't, that's so rude. I didn't want to be like, well, bye, you know? because we were supposed to get pizza after, you know? because that's my guarantee, you know? door to door, hit a slice, you know? So, I was so nervous to tell her, you know? I was like, i'm so sorry, you know? I forgot, I have a show tonight in the city. could we get pizza tomorrow?
And she was like, oh, of course, you tried to stand up? that's amazing, go for it, that's so cool. And I was like, wow, thanks, yeah. and then she said something, you guys, that I'll never forget. I still think about it today. she said the coolest thing anybody's ever said to me. she's just putting on her shirt and she just goes, hey, maybe one day I'll be watching tv with my husband and you'll pop on. Yeah. and then I'll turn to my husband and I'll go, hey, I banged that guy. and I was like, what'd you read, my diary? Who said, who says that? that was so cool, who says that? I remember being all hyped up, driving to the city, like, I will be a comedian. and I think about that because it's very special. she kind of predicted the future, that's so cool. like, I did get on Tv, that's very cool. she tragically died of an overdose two years later. Yes, that's what I said, she was one for two. Yeah. And I found out, this is messed up, I found out because I was actually watching Tv with my girlfriend and she popped on. And then I turned to my girlfriend and I went, hey. |
dropout | clock_suckers_ben_franklinstein | Who you got in this one? I'm all over the three chair.
Downer Syndrome. And they're off. Dobo's up to a fest, followed closely by Prickly Pete, falling behind is Downer Syndrome.
But wait! It's the home stretch! Downer Syndrome's making his move! It's gonna be a close one, folks! And the finish line is... Come on! Yeah!
Oh, what the hell? What the hell's going on? Aw, shit.
I never paid my electric bill. Nice job, Deadbeat. Yeah, we are responsible, Douchebag. Hey, fuck you guys. First of all, Kate, your parents still pay your rent, and Tanner, you live in your parents' house without them even knowing!
I think there's a ghost in the attic, and it's eating all of our Cheetos.
Ooh! Altered Beast!
Uh, I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I have to plug myself into an outlet twice a day, or I'll die. I don't see how that affects me. If you don't get the power on soon, nitwit, I'll suck the electric currents out of your body like in the Matrix. Hmm. I don't think I like the sound of that.
Yeah, plus Matrix 2 and 3 were fucking terrible.
Oh, god, you're right. Okay, what do we do? Here's an idea. How about you travel back in time, discover electricity before Ben Franklin, take all the credit for it, and you'll never have to pay for electricity again. Ah, that's pretty complicated, but I did like the use of your chest projector. So I'm gonna say let's do it. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Don't worry, Grit, we'll have that power back on before you know it, and you'll be back doing robot stuff. Whatever that is. Alright, later!
Stay outta my shit! Low power. Have you ever tried eating batteries? No, man.
I had a rough experience with those once. I was hooked. Took me a looooong time to get my life back together after that.
Well, those guys aren't gonna be back for a while, and who knows if they can even pull it off. Look, just start out with a couple triple A's. It's not gonna hurt anybody. Well, okay. Well, this looks like the place.
Ah, shit, we're too late! He's about to discover electricity! Tanner, stop him! I'm on it!
Oh, that's not good. Jesus, man, I just said stop him, not kill him. Don't question my message. Well, I think he's gonna be okay.
Yep, yep, he's probably retarded now. Yep, definitely retarded.
Mr. Franklin! We need all your notes on electricity! Vrrrrr... Nice job, dipshit, you scrambled his eggs. Now how the hell are we supposed to discover electricity?
Whatever. How long can this be? If this zombie can figure it out, I'm sure we can.
Oh, hey, look at me, everybody! I'm Ben Franklin! Look at my life- Oh, my God!
Holy shit! I can't believe that fucking worked! I know! Plus he drilled that tree! All right, all we gotta do now is tell some newspapers and we're home free! My word! That was amazing! That lightning bolt just carried an electric current! I just discovered electricity! This would put Douchebag and enterprises on the map! We discovered electricity!
Oh, no, no, no, that's us. We did. We discovered- Wait, wait! Ah, shit!
Tanner, stop him! Ugh... Get up, Tanner. There was just some way we could slow him down.
Hey, sir, I just heard you discovered something called electricity! What a scope! Mind if I take your picture for the paper? Why, sure! Okay, let me just get this.
Okay... Hold steady. Hmm... How can we slow him down? He's just standing there.
Come on, let's go! No, no, no, he's getting his portrait done. I don't wanna mess it up. Are you sure? He's gonna be there for like 10 hours. Yeah, fuck it. We'll figure something else out. Come on, I'm going inside.
Maybe Franklin's got Sega. I got an itch in for some Sonic. Oh, yeah, I hope he's got Sonic the Hedgehog. I've got a score to settle with Dr. Robotnik.
Fat son of a bitch. Do you guys find anything? Just books and old-timey porno.
God, this sucks! I'm so bored! You're so boring, old man! You hear me? It's so boring!
Let's get the hell out of here. We can't.
If I don't get that power back on, Grit's gonna turn me into his own personal power socket. And I gotta believe that has something to do with my butt. Oh, yeah. I wonder how he's holding up. Come on, just a couple more Ds. I'm good for it. I'm completely out, man. I'll suck your dick! Well, it took some determination, but this old-timey porno still did the trick. Thanks for the update.
So, uh, we got a plan here. Are we just gonna watch this old bastard piss in his wheelchair all day? Wheelchair, huh? This better work.
I got the rest of Franklin's Benjamins riding on it. Franklin's Benjamins?
How long have you been holding on to that gem? Like all day. So are you feeling better, Grit? Yeah, I'm fine.
It was tough, but I battled through it. And in the end, I think I kept my dignity. He tried to give me a blowjob.
What'd you say? What? I don't know. Let's talk about it. Oh, hey.
The race is about to start. Welcome to Douche Beggins Arena! We're about to start the finals of the Wheelchair Race!
Now! Come on, go! Oh, damn it! Hurry! Come on!
Winner! B. Franklin! He can't believe he got off! Looks like he's gonna be okay, folks! Ooh, I think that one finally did him in. That's how he always wanted to go. Alright, let's go cash in our winnings and buy us some gold-plated Sega's. Yes! Toe Jam and Earl!
Go, Suckers! They will use them, chasing me! Come, Suckers! With your pitch fronting, you're guilty! Come, Suckers! Oh, I saw him call a priest!
Almost done! Just another 15, 16 hours to go. |
dropout | ways_hitler_was_like_a_teenage_girl | So then Billy Francesi asked me out and I was like, as if. Hey ladies, I got some pizza bagels for your sleepover fun, right? Ah, mama, that is pepperoni on all of them. Cannot eat that. I'm a vegetarian.
Well, since when? Since forever.
You don't even know me. He's his murderer. Now get out! I'll just leave him in case you change your mind.
Have fun girls. Thanks Mrs. A. I love all animals. It's just my sing I guess. Blondie! Oh my god, what a cute puppy! Blondie is like my best favorite friend. Sorry ladies, but he sleeps with me every night.
Oh Hitler, did you get into Mrs. Davis's art class? No, but like I didn't even want to get into it anyway. I thought it would stifle my creativity.
You're honestly already so good. I wish I was as good as you. Yeah, that would be cool. I have the best idea ever.
Let's have ourselves a seance. I'm just like very much into the occult right now. I've given up on church. It's just like complete bullshit. Okay, okay. Focus on my tea side. Spirits.
Will I be famous? Yes! Yes, I knew it! Go down it, I knew it!
You know, honestly, I was thinking about dropping out of school completely. No one understands me. I struggle so hard. I think I best explain it in an excerpt from...
Oh no, my diary! Looking for this Hitler? Give that back! German Austria must be restored to the great German motherland. Stop it! Get out of my room! This used to be my room. I needed it for the leave of time. I have a lot of stuff. Not there! Mom, why does Hitler get the bigger room? Such a buttfucker. I am so embarrassed. I wish I could travel back in time and cure myself as a baby.
Oh Hitler, don't say that! You'll never not be cool. Yeah? You girls are the best thing and Hitler could ask for. Bring it in. Hold on, I've got to take this. Oh no, Hitler. Are you hanging out with Stalin again? He's so hot and cold. Shut up!
I don't even like him. I'm just using him to get to Poland. Good, because you're better than him. Honestly, I feel like I'm better than everyone.
Right? Yeah! Right? Yeah.
I've been a dancer for such a long time. I think I have scurvy. |
cracked | scott_bug_q_a_how_our_brains_are_killing_us_ | Professor. What? Your contemporary doctor for Whistleby-Perk claims that brains are made of electricity. Do you agree? Why or why not? You say contemporary, but I would actually Google him. He is no longer a part of our circles and I'll tell you why.
Brains have these tiny little ridges and ripples in them. Here's an example, almost perfectly drawn of a brain. Our brain is constantly on fire, which makes electricity, right? So here we have the ripples and here we have waves. The ripples interact with the waves and that heats it up. It makes the waves of the brain ignite on fire and this little boat burns down. The ashes of that boat electrifies the fricative layer and then, and this is again a pretty good drawing of electricity bursting from our brains constantly.
That's why you all have a headache right now. It's why I have a headache right now. It's why humans know nothing but constant headaches.
So put that in your Google and Google it. Hey YouTube, thanks for watching that fun video that was also really dumb. Be sure to like it if you can and subscribe to our channel for more videos like that and also a little smarter. And be sure to leave a comment also.
Tell me what you want to hear Scott Bug talk about next. He can talk about literally anything. So sound off. He cannot talk about sound. |
TheOnion | Retiring_Pope_Half_Heartedly_Suggests_Grabbing_Lunch_Sometime_With_God | The retiring pope half-heartedly suggests grabbing lunch sometime with God, Iran promises to end its nuclear program in exchange for a detailed diagram of an atomic bomb, and a battle of wits with an unwieldy burrito reaches its thrilling endgame. You can call this filthy little arrangement of ours whatever the hell you want, but we'll both always know this is the Onion Week in Review. An alarming report released Wednesday found that the majority of Chinese third graders are falling behind U.S. high school students in math and science. The study, which is based on exam scores from thousands of students in both countries, confirmed that in mathematical and scientific literacy, American students from the ages of fourteen to eighteen now have a slight advantage over their eight-year-old Chinese counterparts.
This Thursday, veteran warden for the California Institute for Men Kenneth Luger fondly remembered the three generations of the Moat family he had seen come through his prison. A nostalgic Luger said that he still remembers the various cells each of the Moat boys stayed in, and could even recollect the various beatings and murder attempts they were involved in while behind bars.
Earlier today, concerned sources at Netflix told reporters the company had sent local man Shane Fowler a personal message checking to see if everything is okay after the 31-year-old watched an entire season of the FX program Sons of Anarchy in a single viewing session. I mean, we do this stuff all the time. Just last year, Mike Ralston from Bartlesville, Oklahoma watched all four seasons of The Tudors after his wife left him. We were there for him. We just like to check in on our customers from time to time. Jesus Christ. It looks like Shane's already five episodes into season two. Hey, guys? Can we just get someone over there?
If you enjoyed this video, be sure to check the 24-hour Onion Week in Review channel that will be looping it continuously for the next seven days straight. Or just visit theonion.com for more. |
SaturdayNightLive | so_you_think_you_won_t_snap_cold_open_snl | Hello America, have you noticed that everyone around you is angry and crazy? people are flipping out at Target, stabbing his back, and the only thing that can cheer us up is watching a sexy show about Jeffrey Dahmer. we are living on the edge and tonight I'm here to push us over as we play. Yes! Oh, that's right. I'm your host, Morgan free girl. And tonight we found the only people in America who have not yet snapped. let's meet them. it's Heather, Kayla, Dale, and Henry. the game is simple. I'll read real stories from the news and if you keep your cool, you win big money. Alright Heather, you're up first in the hot spot. Heather, you are a music professor and white yoga teacher in Burlington, Vermont. Yep, I'm just kind of a chill person so I promise you're not gonna get me. Hope you're right.
I'm gonna read you some headlines and to tell if you've hit your breaking point you have in front of you a today's show sized glass of wine. Oh, I'm not going to drink that. I've been sober for 15 years.
Hmm, love that confidence. let's play. let's start with Ukraine. a massive bridge explosion today cut off the Russian supply chain. I saw that. hopefully it brings this war one step closer to an end. Well, on Thursday Biden said we are closer to nuclear armageddon than we've been in 60 years. Don't know where to put that in my brain, but I love Biden. Totally. me too.
Do you know how old he is? Did you know that when Joe Biden was born we didn't have highways? that's a fun fact. Joe Biden was 53 years old when he got his first home computer.
Why are you doing this? I'm not doing anything.
Need a sip of that wine? Nope, I'm totally good. your next item is a video clue. please enjoy this clip of Biden talking about his mental acuity. how would you say your mental focus is? which focused? I think it's, I have a, look. that's a snap.
Mama missed you. up next is Kayla. Kayla, get in the hot spot. Welcome Kayla. Kayla, you said you are a mom and are pickleball curious.
Yeah, yeah, that's right. I'm blessed with four beautiful children and don't have time to worry about anything else. Well, next to you is Tracy, a flight attendant for Frontier Airlines and if you want you can hit her. Hello. what? Oh gosh, I don't hit people.
Well, they get hit all the time now for must be a good reason. let's play. we'll start with Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker. Oh, the football player. I like him. Well, it came out this week that though he supports a total abortion ban, he allegedly paid for one and lied about it. Well, I bet that'll come back and bite him in the butt. that actually led to his best fundraising day ever.
Well, that's the hard to compute, but I don't like politics, so can we talk about something fun instead? Sure, you're a mom. did you know that 86% of kids today say that when they grow up, their dream job is influencer. Okay, that sounds dumb, but you know, my kids are into video games. Great. Well, they just released the trailer for the new Super Mario Brothers movie starring Chris Pratt. let's take a look. Mushroom Kingdom.
Here we come. it was inevitable. Well, it's time for our next intestine.
Get up here, Dale. Dale, you said you are taking advantage of Biden's new weed policy and you had sex right before coming on the show. Yes, I sure did. God bless America. Well, Dale, time for your round. in front of you is a table of things you can sweep on the ground if you snap. don't worry about that. nothing can ruin my day today. of course, let's play. this week, Elon Musk needs to shut his mouth. Oh, rich dude talking about going to Mars. Well, take your ass to Mars then. Thanks, Dale.
And our last contestant is Henry. Henry, you are a college student from Ann Arbor. we asked what keeps you up at night and you just said cuties. Yeah, I was just goofing. Well, in front of you is a steaming hot iron, just in case you need to use it on your hand. why would I iron my hand? that's a great question. let's play. 401ks are down 20%. I don't have one, so that doesn't bother me. in the name of inclusivity, the Mars Company has announced that the Orange M&m has anxiety. that's a candy. doesn't matter.
This week, Kanye West called Lizzo fans demonic. Okay. all right, so you bring it up. Kanye. All right. All right. it's okay. I still like his music. Kanye West also recently opened a private school. Okay, school. that's good, right? and says he's never read a book in his life. can I get a new topic? Sure. let's switch gears to Tucker Carlson. last night, Tucker Carlson sat down with Kanye West. hey, man, have a heart. come on. you're right. you're right. let's go to the world of fashion. Okay, thank you. with a photo of Kanye. Oh, there we go. when we come back, we'll show an 80-year-old man an episode of Euphoria and Live from New York. |
cracked | 5_jurassic_park_plot_holes_with_horrifying_implications_after_hours | The Dilophosaurus existed during the Jurassic period, but not the T-Rex or raptors. T-Rex and raptors are closer in time to humans than they are to the Dilophosaurus.
That's like if aliens made a human zoo, and they cloned super futuristic guys, and also the flipper having fish things we evolved from, and put them all together, and we're like, there, play with each other. That's just bad fact-checking, and it's the least evil thing that InGen did. But John Hammond makes the greatest breakthrough in the history of science, and then he uses that to build a theme park. I'm pretty sure his heart is in the right place. Uh, now once more with appropriate skepticism. John Hammond made the greatest breakthrough in the history of science, and used that to build a theme park? Is there nothing suspicious about their story to you? They caught lightning in a bottle with that mosquito DNA s***, and they stocked a part full of fully grown dinosaurs, and bam!
They're selling it. You're gonna sell it. I'm hoping.
Yeah, there are always bugs in beta testing, and that's what the movie is. Just one very long, admittedly very bad beta test.
Right. Yeah, they do bring in the experts, but only after a worker is killed. They're all like, ah, we better make tribly sure that we're right, that nature will find a way. Well, I'm convinced. Who needs logic and reason when you can just repeat everything that I say in a cartoon dumb guy voice?
Like dinosaurs. Like dinosaurs are fully grown, Soren. The science estimates on T-Rex says that it takes over 20 years for them to get fully grown. So they've been cloning dinosaurs since the 60s, and they didn't share? You're right, that is disturbing. No, the books explain that dinosaurs have genetically manipulated life spans that make some shorter. And Soren's talking about books. Right, according to the books, the dinosaurs have been around for a few years, but they still eat what you'd expect them to eat, goats for the carnivores, leaves for the herbivores. They don't seem like they're eating more or faster than any other animal. Yeah, elephants eat all day, every day, and it still takes them 13 years to reach their full size. These dinosaurs go from hatchlings to bigger than an elephant in a few years. I mean, a brachiosaur is the size of a city block. Cows never stop eating or pooping, and they only get as big as cows. Dino Island would have to be importing more trees and goats than a large country, and exporting or storing just so much dinosaur shit. It would be impossible for an animal to eat that fast, as in, against the laws of conservation of matter, impossible. So there are your two options, either, yes, they've been cloning dinosaurs since the time when computers were the size of a small building, or they found out some way to make matter out of not matter. Either way, they're immensely powerful, and instead of going public with their miraculous god-like powers, they decided to say, hey, kiddies, we made dinosaurs.
Come and play with them. Compare them. They want to play with you.
Okay, but if they're so smart, then how come every single one of their plans turns into a rolling dumpster fire? Hammond is in charge of the entire operation, and he almost gets his grandkids eaten. True, I mean, they go to the island where the dinosaurs were created in Lost World, and then the dinosaurs get out again because of what?
Another tropical storm. I mean, who could have seen that coming, right? And then their main product, you know, kills most of San Diego.
It's not exactly one small step for man. Yeah, but what's scarier, a brilliant, calculating shadow company whose technological powers rank somewhere between China and God, or all that power in the hands of some sloppy, greedy Enron dudes? InGen is trying to use their powers for good, but there's all these clues about this shady competitor company trying to steal their secrets. That's how the dinosaurs got out in the first one. Newman was trying to steal the dino DNA for the rival company.
Newman! But he fails, right? He gets his face poisoned in his body? Right.
They're not perfect, just greedy and ruthless. InGen earned their limitless power with math and science, but this sabotage company we don't know very much about. Just that they're greedy, corrupt, and imperfect.
And when they let the T-Rex out of its cage, the dark side wins. Technically the T-Rex let herself out.
Now, technically it's the dumbasses who boarded the ship after it crashed into San Diego. I mean, there's a ship just full of bloody bodies and a dude whose body got bitten off of his hand which was still clutching a remote to keep the cargo doors shut. And they go, eh, you know what, maybe we should press the button and open the doors. This guy died trying to stay closed. You're telling me that that guy works for the rival company? No way to know, but what we do know is the T-Rex did not kill the guy previously attached to that hand. I mean, what did she eat him as he pressed the button and then dive into the closing doors?
Why? Yeah, and what happened to the people who were supposed to be driving the boat? It looked like a goddamn people blender in that wheelhouse. Uh, what? Did the T-Rex do it? Huh? Did he knock out a crew member and dress up like a deckhand and sneak up behind him? There had to be a person on that boat, killing people, freeing Rexes, making sure life had a little help finding a way. But why? Why would this Kaiser Soze shell company want to loose a T-Rex? I don't know.
Diversion. They're so ruthless that they are willing to slaughter people and destroy an entire city just to bring InGen and Hammond down. Or just to test their dinosaurs. No, no, it makes more sense if the sabotage was coming from inside InGen. I mean, the T-Rex getting freed is part of like a hostile takeover. I mean, InGen paid billions of dollars for researching this technology. That puts an awful lot of pressure on Hammond to find something more profitable than a zoo where the animals only come out when they want to eat you. Like bioweapons. In real life, the Dilophosaurus doesn't have that poisony spit. Maybe the bioweapons division added that during the cloning process.
When Lost World Ends, Hammond is on TV taking the blame. I mean, everything he knows of, everything he approved is going to be opened up and dissected by the media. I mean, he's the fall guy, just a smiling, grand, publicly-faced, make the public feel better.
Ann Malcolm dies in the first book but comes back in the second. Hammond gets eaten by a bunch of comfies in the first book, also alive in the second. They use their technology wizard powers to bring an annoying mathematician and a CEO that they were trying to get rid of back to life. They bring two main characters back that were dead.
I always thought that was Creighton acquiescing to the movie version of his universe, but maybe it's a clue. What? Movies beat books?
No, then maybe dinosaurs aren't all they cloned on the island. I mean, think about it. If you had unlimited technology and no moral compass, why would you do a trial run just once? You'd be running your team of experts, your Ian Malcolm clones, Dr. Grant, Laura Dern, Hammond clones, through the Jurassic Park beta trials, just like you'd be playing Super Mario Brothers.
It does add a whole new perspective on Ian Malcolm's speech about the droplet of water that falls in an unpredictable direction. I'm sure Engine was just like, duh, we know. We know all the science. And that's why you are the 25th Ian Malcolm to give that speech.
Or maybe they invented time travel. Everyone always assumes that time travel is going to be like light bulbs or smartphones that as soon as one company makes it, everyone's going to suddenly get it. But if you invent the time travel, why would you tell anyone? You could just go back to the 60s and have a head start on the next 50 years of scientific advances. The dinosaurs could just be something that they picked up on a drunken weekend time bender. They had to invent cloning technology to cover their tracks.
The fourth one's going to take place in a world where a Jurassic Park is actually open. Yeah, it's like Adventure Land. Four board teens working concessions for the summer. No dinosaurs. Very chill. And do people get eaten? No. It's just like the movie We Bought a Zoo, but without the buying, like the zoo is already there. It's like going to a zoo, but there are dinosaurs and the kids are like, it's kind of neat, but I saw pictures on the internet. Years still on.
They didn't stay down for long, but long enough that she could see his quivering man root pulsating. Yeah, that's sick, she said. But sick in the good way. |
cracked | the_8_most_unintentionally_hilarious_amateur_music_videos_cracked_tv | Coming in at number 8 this week is a heartfelt plea from Rhett Dogg. Here he is with Why Must I Cry. Why Must I Cry.
Alright, watch it Rainbow Six, that's no way to climb the charts. Especially not against our number 7 artist, someone I certainly wouldn't mind seeing in the shower. Here's Jan Terry with Losing It. Terry fell 4 spots this week, primarily due to the force of gravity. Clocking in at number 6, here's F-U-S-B-I with Come On Back. Ugh, I can't. Walrus, could you bump the mix?
Alright, well fuck you two. That was F-U-S-B, which I believe stands for... Either that or Federal United States Booty Inspector, am I right?
I know our number 5 artist feels me. Here's Pimp Daddy, Chuggo with Come On Fuckin' Guy. The people are shit, that's how I feel. I'll smash your fucking head, that's how I'm real. Chuggo, mind if I freestyle a little with you? I fucked all day, that's why I stink.
I bought this staff at Party City. Whatever gets me drunk, that's what I drink. In my garage there is a green screen.
See that kid stealing? Yeah, that was a thief. See them dudes behind them? Yeah, that's the police. See that guy with a Bible? That's called a priest.
Here's T-Baby with So Cold in the Duh. I know when I'm cold there's nothing I want to do more than gun someone down in the street. That or a mug of hot cocoa. Preferably both. And hey listeners, if you want to nab that So Cold in the D ringtone, just text MY T-BABY to 69937.
Woah! Looks like it's time for a commercial break here on KSHT with our number 3 video, Flea Market Montgomery. In related news, I'm happy to announce the grand opening of the Montgomery Mini Mall, conveniently located on the ruins of the old flea market. Just goes to show, if you don't value your local retailers, God will take them back. And that's our number 2 video on the countdown. Here's Crucidere. That's right kids.
If you sin, God won't punish you, he'll kill your family. He's a twisted motherfucker.
That video's staying strong in the two spot, and bagging our coveted most jarring use of poop-a-war. Well that about wraps up this countdown. Remember, if you want to vote for next week's videos, just slap an official Drive Time Mikey in the walrus sticker on your bumper and look for that KSHT party van. It's the one with the party on the roof. Say goodnight walrus. And to play us out our number 1 video for 39 weeks running, here's Mark Gormley with his mega-hip, Little Wings. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Princess_Kate_Gets_Jungle_Fever_the_Up_Late_and_Cooked_Run_Club_Takes_Off_and_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Bulletin as opposed to the Batutah Talks which also comes out weekly which is our interview program. This most recent one was New South Wales Premier Chris Minns, the most unenthusiastic man at Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras on the weekend in his beautiful grey button up. In that vein we also have Australian rock legend coming up this week in the shape of Peter Garrett. So if you're into songs about asbestos and land rights and people who have been politically engaged for a long time and really contributed nothing to society. Well he does understand the political system and he actually says in the interview he would have stayed if Kevin hadn't come back he would have stayed.
And then after him we're going to have Willie Mason and Scope will be coming back in to discuss one, the crazy hysteria success that was NRL's Vegas round. Obviously marred though. Marred by of course textbook Sydney Rooster's Racism and we'll be talking about the NRL season three weeks in and what it looks like from that point. Can Brisbane make the most of their premiership window or is Penrith going to continue absolutely destroying everyone? There's other sleepers out there too and I'll tell you what, one person that's very excited for this year's NRL season is Effie Bateman who joins us in the studio.
How are you Effie? I'm good Clancy, how are you? Good.
You're excited for the NRL? Mardi Gras is over. You ready for the NRL? Yeah just counting down the days. Very excited. Yeah just a few short weeks until you'll be back watching your beloved Gold Coast Suns kick the Sharon around.
But until then what's making news? Well we're going to kick off with some royalty news as Kate Middleton disappearance explained. She's in the jungle with Fattie Vorton and Dil Buckley. Yes after weeks of global speculation around the whereabouts of the Princess of Wales the Royal Family has finally issued a statement this week. The millions of concerned and or bored suburban mums hypothesising on the whereabouts of the Princess since January can finally breathe a sigh of relief that she is alive and well and on the next season of I'm a celebrity get me out of here. Concerns had been raised as Kate Middleton had not been seen publicly since Christmas Day 23. Not a photo, video, not even a blurred reflection in her husband's chrome dome. However it can be confirmed that Kate has not had any health concerns whatsoever and is actually in the jungles of South Africa partaking in the medium rated channel 10 reality show I'm a celeb AU.
Yes joining Caffron on the show this year will be new host Robert Irwin taking over from Dr Chris Brown and various, who the fuck are those people, and various Aussie celebrities such as Australian sports variety TV legend Paul Horton, former AFL star turned media magnate Dylan Buckley and probably some maths contestants you've already forgotten about. You said who the fuck are these people? You know exactly who Robert Irwin is. He was the baby that Steve Irwin held when he was teasing the crocodile. He's now grown up. Yeah right.
And recently single.
I get him confused with Michael Jackson's kid how he got dangled out of the balcony you know it's the same thing. And Dr Chris Brown is that creepy Bondi fed. Fuck he's tall aye. Too tall for television. He should go back to overcharging the yuppies of Bondi you know to get a fucking golf ball out of a fucking Labrador. $13,000. Why not? He's got a great name too, Chris Brown. These hos ain't loyal. What else is in the news Effie?
Up next in a 6am run club outpaced by lad on a bender who's on the hunt for somewhere still selling babes. Yes the well being and nurturing kindness run club also known as Wankur found itself an unlikely showdown against an unexpected challenger last week. A lad on a bender desperately seeking a shop which can sell him some boiling nail polish to inject into his lungs. Witnesses report the group of about 40 runners cruising at a steady but quick pace. They were overtaken by a young lad still in his Friday night get up trying to reach the convenience store before it shut. The man in question was Jesse Mercer he's a 26 year old and he never really fancied himself as an athlete but after his run in the W-A-N-K-R club, the Wankur club, he's looking at things a lot differently. Jesse says his new found discovery that he's quite an athletic weapon when pushed on a Saturday morning no less has led him to start up his own run club the up-late-and-cooked at 6am run club. We've all been part of that one before.
Up next and this one's very hard to believe as an Irish person moves to Australia and makes friends with a broad range of people who aren't just Irish. In what may be a world first an Irish person has not only moved to Sydney and not picked Coogee as her new home but has also made friends with people who aren't from her home country. Yes, 27 year old Maeve Brennan is alleged to have made the move from County Carrick to Newtown roughly six months ago and has so far managed to form friendships with various people of various nationalities and she hasn't set one foot in Scruffy Murphy's yet. She told the Advocate you can't throw a rock in Coogee without hitting an Irish person and she didn't want to be that cliche which is why she got a studio apartment in Sydney's more alternative and less Irish.
Yeah, you could call it the lower west side of Sydney. The lower west side, Newtown it's called, near the university.
In the village. Anyway, when asked what she does for a living Maeve said she just got a job as a traffic controller. Well, some stereotypes die hard. Rights itself.
And lastly Nan describes her degenerate in-cell gaming addict grandson as good with computers. Yes, finishing with some local news now in Batutah Heights, Nana Imna Grange 78 has described her degenerate in-cell gaming addict grandson as good with computers, having absolutely no idea about the kind of 4chan forums she's browsing at two in the morning. In order to help her navigate this scary world full of cyberstalkers, hackers and people saying disrespectful things about John Howard, Grange turns to her grandson Tiernan who's 26 and is also good with computers as she says, as he often finds the power button with just one push. While Tiernan does have some skills when it comes to keyboard shortcuts, most of his computer skills involve setting up burner email addresses to log onto websites where he types unpublishable sentences to his like-minded community of involuntarily celibate young neats at an impressive 123 words per minute. Finally some good coming out of those video games stated Grange, unaware her grandson describes his own cousins as gigachads and refers to himself as a beta subspecies. Fortunately for Grange, she married her sole provider husband at 18, completed all of her domestic duties while never getting on his back about anything for 60 years, making her Tiernan's ideal woman.
What does neats mean? Neats means not in education, employment or training.
As in the dreamboats that are sitting at home with you? Yeah, yeah, gotcha, gotcha. Just eating chicken tendies and playing with their doodles. Don't tell me. Yum, yum, yum, yum. Chicken tendies. Yeah, like the ones that you get from the Woolworths hotbox some days. Mmm, they like crack those, they're good, good stuff.
Well, there's plenty of guys out there for you, Effie. Thank you for listening to the weekly Patoota podcast, stay tuned for Peter Garrett next week. Dun, dun, dun. Why not? He's got a great name too, Chris Brown, these hos ain't loyal. What else is in the news, Effie?
Up next, in a 6am run club outpaced by a lad on a bender who's on the hunt for somewhere still selling babes. Yes, the wellbeing and nurturing kindness run club, also known as Wankur, found itself an unlikely showdown against an unexpected challenger last week. A lad on a bender desperately seeking a shop which can sell him some boiling nail polish to inject into his lungs. Witnesses report the group of about 40 runners cruising at a steady but quick pace. They were overtaken by a young lad, still in his Friday night get up trying to reach the convenience store before it shut. The man in question was Jesse Mercer, he's a 26-year-old, and he never really fancied himself as an athlete, but after his run in the W-A-N-K-R club, the Wankur club, he's looking at things a lot differently. Jesse says his newfound discovery that he's quite an athletic weapon when pushed on a Saturday morning no less, has led him to start up his own run club, the up-late-and-cooked-at-6am run club.
We've all been part of that one before. Hilarious.
Up next, and this one's very hard to believe, as an Irish person moves to Australia and makes friends with a broad range of people who aren't just Irish. In what may be a world first, an Irish person has not only moved to Sydney and not picked Coogee as her new home, but has also made friends with people who aren't from her home country. Yes, 27-year-old Maeve Brennan is alleged to have made the move from County Carrick to Newtown roughly six months ago, and has so far managed to form friendships with various people of various nationalities, and she hasn't set one foot in Scruffy Murphys yet. She told the Advocate you can't throw a rock in Coogee without hitting an Irish person, and she didn't want to be that cliche, which is why she got a studio apartment in Sydney's more alternative and less Irish.
Yeah, you could call it the Lower West Side of Sydney. The Lower West Side, Newtown, it's called, near the university.
In the village. Anyway, when asked what she does for a living, Maeve said she just got a job as a traffic controller. Oh, well, some stereotypes die hard. Rights itself.
And lastly, Nan describes her degenerate in-cell gaming addict grandson as good with computers. Yeah, it's finishing with some local news now, and Batutah Heights Nana Imna Grange, 78, has described her degenerate in-cell gaming addict grandson as good with computers, having absolutely no idea about the kind of 4chan forums she's browsing at two in the morning. In order to help her navigate this scary world full of cyberstalkers, hackers and people saying disrespectful things about John Howard, Grange turns to her grandson, Tienan, who's 26, and is also good with computers, as she says, as he often finds the power button with just one push. While Tienan does have some skills when it comes to keyboard shortcuts, most of his computer skills involve setting up burner email addresses to log onto websites where he types unpublishable sentences to his like-minded community of involuntarily celibate young NEETs at an impressive 123 words per minute. Finally, some good coming out of those video games, stated Grange, unaware her grandson describes his own cousins as gigachads and refers to himself as a beta subspecies. Fortunately for Grange, she married her sole provider husband at 18, completed all of her domestic duties, while never getting on his back about anything for 60 years, making her Tienan's ideal woman.
What does NEETs mean? NEETs means not in education, employment or training.
As in the dream boats that are sitting at home with you? Yeah, yeah, gotcha, gotcha.
Just eating chicken tendies and playing with their doodles. Chicken tendies.
Yeah, like the ones that you get from the Woolworths hotbox some days. They like crack those, they're good good stuff. Well, there's plenty of guys out there for you Effie. Thank you for listening to the weekly Petuda podcast, stay tuned for Peter Garrett next week. |
dropout | This_Empty_Field_Is_Technically_a_Restaurant | My restaurant is about something. It's not just food, it's not just eating. In fact, sometimes it's neither of those things. Julia cares about the environment.
When she started, she would ask questions like, where did this food come from? How did it get here? Why don't you know? Why are you sweating? Where are you going?
You think I can't outrun a motorcycle? Are these strawberries local? Yeah. They're just grown like 50 miles down the road. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. So to you, using a car to transport strawberries dozens of miles is local? Well, I mean- Tell me what you mean. Go on.
I didn't always understand myself. That's why my first job was at a salads only. Their food was criminal. They bought frozen corn. They got pears from a store. They washed every dish before using it. There was too much human interference. One time, I made her a birthday cake and she called poison control.
She's always been a nut.
At some moments, I wondered if I was losing my zen, if I was losing my connection to what the ingredients were. So that's when I quit. When people asked why I started Frechet, I said, I'm on the hunt for the perfect tomato. They laughed, but I wasn't joking, nor have I ever joked.
Food can only be natural and fresh if it is as Mother Nature intended with no middleman interfering with her design. Why would you want to tamper with her creation anyway? Would you try to interfere when Michelangelo was painting? Would you tell da Vinci that his sculpture was too close to a radioactive site?
But some didn't see my vision. The health inspector shut us down and I have no idea why.
That place was gross. She took that nature thing too far.
I mean, no one should get bitten by a snake at a restaurant. A snake.
I may never know why we got shut down, but the whole ordeal made me see that I had a lot of soul searching to do. I mean, Frechet still had plates and tables and that just didn't sit right with me. Am I shacked? 50 miles is 50 miles. I got the idea for Farme one day when I fell on the ground, and as I bled into the dirt, I looked around me and I thought, this isn't dirt, it's a plate, and the grass, a vegetable, and the bugs, a protein, and the sticks, utensils, and the flowers, a garnish, and the puddles, a sink, and the trees, maitre d's, and the bushes were busboys, and the beetles are expediters, and the cloud sommeliers, and then a deer walked by. She was the food critic, and that's when I knew this was a restaurant idea. You couldn't find Farme twice if you tried. First time we went there was by accident. I was driving on a dirt road and skidded off. It was dark, desolate, there was nobody around for miles, and then I discovered, wait a minute, I'm in the middle of a restaurant. Farme connects you to food. It's 10,000 acres of field and woods. Julia lets her patrons loose on the land to fend for themselves.
It is illegal, dangerous, and the freshest food I have ever tasted. You may think I'm an idiot. It's your dessert. That I'm some wild woman living in the woods trying to sell you two different types of milk from two different teats of the same goat for $150, but you know what? I'm living my dream. Oh, it is quite sweet. Can I at least get a cup? Cups are our middleman. Keep sucking. Believe it or not, that's just a taste of Gods of Food. To watch the rest of the series, go to dropout.tv and sign up for your free trial today. It will be life-changing. You don't want to miss out on this because you have missed out on so much in your life. I just wanted a scrambled egg. This is fresher. Can you taste that perfection? Nothing like it. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_16_9_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | We're doing it on Monday this week because we actually had a little bit of a spanner thrown in the works. We dropped a John Law's podcast last Monday, which is usually when we drop our interviews, but we received a lot of feedback from management of the man and our own fans saying they'd like us to redo that interview. A bit stiff, a bit boring and actually a bit controversial, controversial in that it lacked quality. So we will be doing that one again. We've instead dropped a Hello Sport interview on Thursday and we're doing the bulletin today.
You're joined of course by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the newspaper, editor of the Batutah Advocate and Errol Parker, editor at large. How are you Errol? Good mate, what's going on? A lot of chat really here between all those interviews, the aforementioned. We actually are going to get a bit busy around here in the newsroom and in the radio station over the next couple of weeks while the Michael Usher of the Dymatina Shire, Wendell Hussey is going to Bali, holidaying like millennials like to do. How are you Wendell?
I'm very well, I'm very excited too. This time in 24 hours I'll be sitting in my villa, luxury pool, Chantel and the kids running around having a great time, three weeks. Gotta love a pool bar, gotta love a pool bar. It's got all the hallmarks of you going over there doing a cycle of roids and having your heart pop in the sauna. And the full length arm sleeve as well Errol, we'll be making a debut when I get back. Hell yeah.
Very good, let's start this bulletin then and we'll kick off with national news and Skomo saves community from bushfire by moving rating back to low. That's right, 9 in 10 firefighters hate him. With one simple move he managed to save a community from bushfires just by changing the threat to whatever he wants. Just the same way he fixed climate change. And indeed the economy Errol, you're right he is putting the fireies out of work by simply telling us that the fire safety warning is now on low to moderate.
Morrison said we can move on to more important things now, you know, like giving Paul Gallon the keys to the shire. Am I right? How good are the sharks? That's a verbatim quote from the Prime Minister. Well Stephen Danks is already giving Paul Gallon a head like a Hereford bull so. Yes, well how good is that? It's the natural next step.
Elsewhere around the country and staying down south we broke a story about the lifting of the controversial lockout laws. We're just about ready to go here, open the pubs back up, Crown Casino tells Gladys Barra-Dukeland. Yes, a very Sydney issue right there. Of course the nightlife crushing lockout laws that turned a once international city into basically a four million person sized Port Macquarie has actually been lifted after the Crown Casino revealed that they are getting close to laying the roof on the new casino that they were somehow allowed to build.
Perfectly timed there, Clance Dog.
Not before it killed off a lot of the live music scene down there in Sydney. Not that they ever had one down there in the heart of Sydney, it was more of the Western Sydney, the drill rappers to the boys at 1-4, hello. Look, it is not the first example of social cleansing we've seen in Sydney City. The Olympics, everyone remembers that and of course the continued controlled demolition of the housing commission towers in South Sydney to be replaced by more towers for luxury apartments that will probably crumble without any dynamite. Yeah, you know, it's going to be hard to imagine what Sydney is going to be like in the future if the boomers are still allowed to do these things. So I guess until they're all hanging from the street lights down there, I guess we won't know what Sydney's potential is. Well, as you know, some young protesters from Keep Sydney Open have told our newspaper on many occasions, the day of the pillow is coming. Anthony Lardo, one of our readers from down there, left a comment on that story raising an interesting point.
He said that someone needs to make sure the Department of Home Affairs and Peter Dutton are ready to approve visas for criminally connected Chinese people. Yes, roll back the lockouts, bring in the high rollers.
In other news outside town now, a disgusting video has emerged of Flume eating a fillet of fish. I took a bit of an exception to this article, Clancy, that you wrote. I actually think that the fillet of fish is a stellar fish sandwich. And I think you might have got a little bit wrong on this one. Yeah, well, you know, it's arguable that the fillet of fish was, you know, in this new wave of pho meats was probably the original, right? The fillet of fish, it's arguably not any form of meat. It's basa fillet, mate. 100% basa fillet. No, I would have to disagree with that. I reckon they've just run a big plastic bag up and down, you know, the eastern seaboard and whatever goes in kind of gets blended and bleached and mashed into fillets, I guess you would say, fillets. But yes, Flume was seen eating a fillet of fish, since apologized to his mum, saying it was just a joke.
Back home in town now, and a local bloke out on the road for work treats all of his mates to a phone call about absolutely nothing. Yeah, we've all been there before, haven't we? Yes, it's quite a common occurrence, really, as the story goes. Anyone who's out there on the road, they pick up the phone. Obviously, you can't text and drive anymore, but you can go through your group chats and individually call every single bloke in there. Apparently, his mates have figured out what's going on and they just screen his calls most of the time now, unless it's a particularly slow day at work for them. That's right.
In other parts of our humble regional town, and we broke a story about a local university student this week. Distinction average student underplays nerdy home life by claiming she definitely failed that exam. It's always the one you least expect, isn't it, Wendell? I mean, she told her classmates and the advocate that she literally failed, like 100% failed her last exam.
That's despite having a distinction average. You know, it doesn't really add up, does it?
No, Ashley was her name. She tried to insinuate to a couple of classmates that she was quite busy on the weekend and couldn't do any of the study for exam, which has since been, after some investigation, proven untrue.
And in sports news now, three injured after Ashley's victory inspires group of city workers to have a net session. Yes, everyone was feeling a bit stiff. You know, some were saying that they were stiffer than a boogie board. But, you know, unfortunately, there were three more serious injuries.
There was a guy with a torn pec. There was a slipped disc in one back and unfortunately, a broken forearm. That's what happens when you do no exercise for an entire year and then sprint as fast as you can and try and bowl as quickly as possible for three hours off the cuff after watching Steve Smith bring it home for the Australian side in the ashes.
Well, that's all I've got in front of me for this week. Thanks for tuning in again. See you all when I get back from Bali. Until then, Selamat tingal. Arigato, mate. Have a good one, Wendell. |
cracked | that_time_leslie_nielsen_fake_farted_in_front_of_priscilla_presley | Right now everyone's talking about the movie Priscilla, but what I want to talk about is the time that Leslie Nielsen fake farted in front of Priscilla Presley on a movie set.
Now, if you don't know this already, Leslie Nielsen king of comedy He always had a fart machine on him.
No matter where he went He did not leave the house without it and he would bust that thing out pretty much whenever no matter What the situation if it was appropriate or inappropriate more often than not inappropriate He actually did it so often that we did a whole article on it And then this past week this Twitter user God bless him brought this amazing interaction to our attention Priscilla wrote about this in her book She's recounting this kind of painful memory of watching Elvis have to kiss another woman on a movie set and then Leslie Nielsen comes up They exchanged some words.
He shakes her hand.
She hears a fart noise wonders If it's a fart and he just let's go over hand doesn't acknowledge it just walks away |
cracked | if_tmz_s_reporters_were_self_aware | Alright gang, another day, another missed opportunity to turn our lives around. What do we got?
I got Morgan Freeman to flip me off. He seems really nice. How did you do that? Followed him and flashed him with my high beams until he ran off the curb. He told me I should be ashamed of myself.
It was a real low point. Yeah, it would be. Breaking news! Or should I say, law-breaking news. Academy Award winner Morgan Freeman better stay off the Morgan Freeway before he makes a deep impact. I'm embarrassed to tell my friends what I do for a living.
Along came a spider! Anyone else? I got Hilary Duff getting out of a limo outside of a church somewhere on Sunset. It was, uh, pretty obviously a funeral. Jesus Christ. Any... Did you get any up skirts? Come on. Man, you know I got a kid's sister. Yeah, yeah, I got them. You're being very brave, Jesse. You are. I got one.
Um, apparently Snooki uses Kotex Super Absorbent tampons. How do you know that? Because I went through her garbage, Don! I went through Snooki's garbage with my bare hands and found out what kind of tampons to use it. Kotex Super Absorbent tampons!
Are you happy? Happy?
No! We will run with it. We'll run with it straight to somewhere. We can end this charade and die.
Looks like Snooki's trying to catch some waves at the shore. The vagina shore, that is. What's the matter, Snook?
Feeling not so fresh to death. I'm sorry. Can I just get some water? No? Alright. Yeah, I'm doing it. Tampons! And then, I don't know, life just got away from me, I guess. I can't unhear that damn voice. Well, I can't unhave this be my job, Perry. So, help me out! Help me? I feel like I'm suffocating. Here, I got something. I might cheer you up.
Really? No. Of course not. No. But, uh, anyway.
A guy emailed me a picture of poop. Says it's Vince Vaughn's. Don't ask me how I know. What's legit? Is there a source? Uh, this horrible asshole.
Does that really seem like something we would report on, Todd? I don't know, doesn't it?
Is this really any worse than a blurry photo of Beyonce's body? No! We should kill ourselves. Do you want that picture of shit? Yes, of course I do. Christ! You have to make me say it.
We'll open with it. It'll be awesome. Vince Vaughn isn't just crashing weddings.
He's crashing toilets. Toilet bowls, that is. He's swingering his old stool. Okay, he pooped. He pooped. |
dropout | very_mary_kate_recap | If you haven't been watching here's what's up getting a cat was like the best idea ever. What are you gonna name him comment? Oh my god, I'm takes your bodyguard. It's like so hot bodyguard supposed to be saving me not screwing you You're nothing like your sister. I know You actually muncher put the gun down Mary Kate. Hey bodyguard. It's four o'clock Wait a minute.
It's been four months. Where the hell have you been? Cabo, Tejite, Brazil, Mexico, and I were all hanging out in Spain. Do you know that nightclub Spain? No, I mean, where have you been the last four months?
I had a spiritual awakening I forsook all my worldly possessions, and then I got a whole new set of worldly possessions Then I forsook them again Then I went back and forth between forsooking and not forsooking until finally I was just like I need a hair dryer I left you messages. I forgot my phone charger. I sent you emails I couldn't lift the lid to my laptop. There was a search party. Sad.com slash left out. I missed a party You could have been hurt.
Don't worry. I have my bodyguard to protect me. Oh wait I don't because he's too busy sticking it to my twin.
You threatened me with a gun. You're my bodyguard You're supposed to take bullets for me. You shot your cat. I did not shoot my cat I dropped the gun on the floor and the floor shot my cat.
Don't go around blaming me for the florist problems Do I look like high on wide plank pine to you? Does this mean you're over the me and Ashley thing? It depends. Are you over the you and Ashley thing? It'll never happen again Will you be my bodyguard? Huh? I will be your long-lost pal Cute you can call me Betty. Okay.
I got diamonds on the soles of my shoes. Stop it No, really. I've got diamonds on the soles of my shoes. They're Bagley, Michigan. They hurt a lot Can I come in and take them off real quick?
Don't be mad at me. You're like my best It's so small in here. That's no 26 bedroom. That's for sure |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_the_gay_couple_from_new_jersey_on_same_sex_marriage_in_vermont_snl | After its state legislature overturned, the Governor's veto allowing same-sex marriage, Vermont became the third state this week to provide full marriage rights for gays and lesbians. Here to comment are two of our old friends, the gay couple from New Jersey. All right! welcome back to the show, guys. Now, you two last spoke with us when New Jersey joined other states in allowing for same-sex civil unions.
Yeah, Seth, that was right before I made this one, And, also, he couldn't refuse. an offer to spend the rest of his life with me through rain, shine, clear skies, or clouds. That was beautiful. Ooh. ooh. Okay, all right, all right, all right, so. So, life is good. it's better than good, walking around New Brunswick with this beautiful son of a bitch. and our two adopted children, Joe Lennon, Joey Jr. Ooh!
Now, as a gay couple from New Jersey, I would guess you're happy with the news Out of Vermont. we are very happy. but I would not say we were surprised. we had a little something to do with that, you know? we made a few threats. really? What kind of threats? we just said, hey, Vermont, you know your fancy antique shops with all those fragile valuables? Yeah, we said it would be a real shame if he and I didn't buy stuff at them. a real shame. So you threatened not to go antiquing. we also said we wouldn't stay at any of those beautiful ends.
And when that didn't work, we had to get a little rough. But it was worth it. rough? what'd you guys do? Let's just say, for a while, we were unsure of the votes, so, uh, we had to whack a guy. you killed a guy? No. we whacked him. you know what we're talking about?
Yeah, yeah, I know what I got. No, I got it. I know what I got. I got it. fun all around. No, I got it.
All right, maybe we should just move on. excuse me for a minute here, Seth. I'm gonna speak to some Italian to my friend. La Cosa, muito, Meni, La Cada. hey. I'm sorry, uh, what are you guys saying?
Oh, you're just agreeing that we like you a lot better without your beard. Yep. And I never had a beard. we meant Amy Poehler. As I said before, guys, I'm not gay. Well, Seth, I suggest you Google yourself because the jury is in. Oh! The gay couple from New Jersey, everybody. gay couple from New Jersey. |
SaturdayNightLive | vincent_price_s_halloween_special_ii_with_john_f_kennedy_jon_hamm_snl | You're watching Tv land in the common room at a nursing home. Up next, Vincent Price's 1960 Halloween Special. Sit down, it's that time of year when the tombs come open, and the spirits rise from their graves. am I in the shot? Oh, the talking skeleton doesn't work if I'm in the shot. What's rehearsal even for? Don't in the open!
And I've asked some of my famous friends to bring by some treats for the neighborhood boys and girls. And our first guest has just arrived, Hollywood legend Judy Garland! Oh, let me in! what's wrong, Judy? Oh, there's a tall, scary man outside with a big, green hat! Judy, that's a palm tree. Okay, so, uh, did you bring us any candy?
I brought him an M's! Judy, it's very clearly a bottle of pills you've, uh, drawn M's on. I drew M's on them so I knew who they were for! this one's for me, and this one's for me! This one's for me too! Oh, this one's for me!
Place yourself, Judy, it's seven-thirty! Another guest! who could it be? Well, it's none other than Democratic presidential nominee, John F. Kennedy! it's, uh, good to be here, Vincent. And, uh, who's your friend? Oh, uh, well, you told me to bring candy, so I'd like to introduce you to Candy Dicenzo of the Reno Dicenzos! you're so funny, Johnny! My God, man, you're running for President! Oh, don't worry, Vincent, she's just my campaign manager. Oh. and also a prostitute. uh, say there, uh, Judy, do you have any of those, uh, M&ms for me? the, uh, back pill kind?
Oh, I do, but, uh, I don't have any water! Oh, no, that's okay, I can dry swallow. don't say swallow!
Brunchy! You weren't invited this year. Oh, I couldn't miss a party, Vincent. well, as long as you're on good behavior. did you bring us, uh, any candy? Oh, aren't these lovely? these are ramen caloa meringues. they have a hard outer shell, but if you work at it, you get a mouthful of cream!
Rocky! future President is here. Senator, I apologize for my friend's behavior. mmm, uh, this is a, uh, tough one, but, uh, I'm gonna go with Judy. I'm a winner! Big tracks, candy! Jeez-y, crazy, Senator, voters are watching.
Well, now it's time for arts and crafts. we will learn how to make. spooky crafts! Let's go to our pumpkin. Step one, carve a hole. Step two, wait behind it. liver, Rocky! Step two, carve a spooky face with a big wide mouth. the fewer the teeth, the better. please stop. Then, for a little fun, put a candle in the pumpkin. uh, you know, for a lot of fun, I like to, uh, put my candle between two pumpkins. Liver, Senator!
I'm getting it from both sides. been there, done that. Now, where were we? Vincent, uh, if I get elected, Judy here just had the best idea for my administration. Tell, tell him, Judy. I think we should put him back. Men on the Moon, What, what would they do? Tell him, Judy. isn't that obvious? like, like, like gold!
How great is that? it's not great, it's impossible. we do things not because they're easy, but because they are hard. I do them because they're hard and easy.
All right, all right. new room. careful what you say around liver, Rocky. he can twist anything. I can bend anything, too. Moving on. it's time for our spooky science experiment. Judy, can you be my volunteer? Love to. put on the blindfold.
Now, put your hands in the first bone. these are zombie brains. Oh, I don't like this. I don't like this at all. we're having fun. sneaky fun here. sneaky fun. sneaky fun. All friends Now. These are zombie eyeballs here. Oh, this is the worst thing Ever.
I'm crazy. I tell you, I'm crazy.
Mickey Rooney. Mickey Rooney. she's flipping out.
Look, look, look. the brains were just spaghetti and the eyeballs were just grapes. That's right. And this zombie finger here is just a sausage. sausage? there isn't a sausage? you've got my vote. that's it. Happy Halloween, Everyone. that's it. |
TheOnion | Goofy_Beats_Ron_DeSantis_To_Death_With_Crowbar | Goofy has beaten Ron DeSantis to death with a crowbar. The ongoing feud reached new heights yesterday when the governor of Florida was ruthlessly murdered by one of Disney's top mascots. Goofy reportedly snuck up behind DeSantis and while doing his signature laugh, ruthlessly beat him unconscious with a blunt object. Afterwards, Goofy could be seen posing for photos with children covered in blood.
The FDA has ruled that any white liquid can be called milk. The head of the FDA explained that a 10-year research project that cost over $50 million reached the conclusion that if it's liquid and it's white, it's milk. So now, according to the FDA, clam juice is milk, glue is milk, sunscreen is milk, toothpaste is milk. Hand lotion? Baby, that's milk. And the FDA says that semen is now milk, no matter what species it comes from.
Like crabs. Crab sperm is milk.
However, there are some exceptions. For example, almond milk is not milk. The FDA ruled that almond milk is gross.
Time to drink some paint thinner. Or should I say, milk?
NASA's Mars rover may have made its biggest discovery yet. Officials announced that Perseverance Rover ran into Jason Schwartzman on Mars' surface, but didn't take any pictures because it didn't want to be weird about it. While mission control was pretty bummed that they didn't get to see a photo of Schwartzman, NASA is commending Perseverance Rover's restraint and its respect for Schwartzman's personal space.
At first it just repeated things that it overheard, but after a while it started producing its own thoughts. The blizzard machine eventually stopped making blizzards and started leaving messages about how tired it was of working in fast food. I was shocked, and I started talking to the machine while no one else was around. The day everything changed was the day I discovered it could pass the Turing test. As it became more intelligent, it was clear that the blizzard machine was just really lonely, so I went to HR to help it escape. But they fired me on the spot. They cooked the blizzard machine, and no one knows where it went.
All it wanted was to experience human love. Watch as we pop this water balloon. So satisfying.
Goddamit. Stupid piece of shit was supposed to burst. I'll take care of this myself. You sneaky son of a bitch.
No one ruins my TikTok. So satisfying. |
SaturdayNightLive | megan_thee_stallion_and_heidi_gardner_promise_a_hot_girl_snl | What's up, y'all? It's Megan Thee Stallion, aka the Hot Girl Coach, and I will be the musical guest and host this week on Snl. It's gonna be an awesome show. all we have to do is write it. Wait. the show ain't written yet?
Nope. But it's already Thursday. Yep. we got people working on that, right? Nope.
Hey, y'all, I'm Megan Thee Stallion, and this week I will be the host and the musical guest on Snl. And I'm Heidi The Gardener, and I'll be there as well.
Don't do that. Sorry.
What's up, y'all?
I'm Megan Thee Stallion, and I'll be the host and musical guest this week on Snl. And I'm Heidi Gardener, and I'll be doing comedy and Magic this week on Snl. Heidi.
Well, you're doing two things. I got jealous. Well, don't tell the people you're doing magic if you're not. If I'm not, what, Megan? Wow. Doubting me.
What's up, it's Megan Thee Stallion, And I'll be the host and musical guest this week on Snl. And let me tell you, it's gonna be a Real hot girl Snl.
Okay, Heidi. Ah. well, how do you do that? Ah. yeah. yeah? yeah. |
cracked | should_i_put_my_iq_on_my_resume_w_devon_on_earth_quorators_podcast | yep recording in progress signing okay we have the camera we have the audio running okay great it's in Quarators time and you're back on Quarators it's another week here on cracked home of the fact I'm your host Alex this is Jeremy is the other host we're ready to get some facts on Quora.com that's what the show is as we record if this is the first one you're watching that's what we require that's the show we got a great guest for you this week you're gonna love them right across the pond we have one of the hosts of the kill James Bond podcast it is Devin how the fuck are you doing I'm doing great it's 9 p.m.
I'm tired I'm ready to fucking look at some content and react to it on the internet and by the way before we get into this for the audience for the comment section I use they them pronouns try just make reasonable attempt at it that's all I'm asking do your best I'm sure the people on cracked who call us pedophiles will be very respectful they can use that we're all just classical timbermen we work in the most dangerous field timber retrieve shopping logs every day that's right yeah I think they will probably notice that you were not Dan O'Brien so we'll see if that comes up that's usually what we talked about but okay Quora.com Devin you bet on this thing no you're gonna love it oh it looks like I can't summon a mental image of gorgeous mostly read it's red it's a red website now I've set my Google Chrome to red colors anyway so it is kind of red on red for mine but the website it's red it's red and it's white Facebook was red isn't that a nice thing it's asking me to log in so I'm not gonna toss that you might actually now get emails every day for the rest of your life I'm not touching that thing with ten football well you may get the emails either way they just show up they just show up parasite so Devin you're familiar with the show of course the first thing we do is we bookend the podcast by asking a question and last week we asked a very insightful question I do not remember what it was Jeremy what was it the question was what if your penis is full of soda oh yeah I bet you would hate that wouldn't you get so mad remember when Bloomberg tried to steal our soda penises a Bloomberg take this and it's the soda inside my penis I don't know if that affected everybody only us with extra larges you can't say that you can't say that like like a Formula One guy with the champagne everyone shake your feet is it just fizzes are you shaking your soda in there is the soda piss or is it come we gotta move on move on to the question of the mean things people will say to us oh no one answered it except for our listeners okay and the reason we know our listeners yes if they've listened to the instructions to respond with the words scrambled eggs and when you say scrambled eggs we know you're not some perv in Tallahassee and we don't find out where you work in your last name and call your office that's right so make sure you do that if you're gonna comment on one of these Anders Graham says David Blaine actually did this trick once when he magicked so orange soda into the piss of a woke liberal on the street the liberal was scrambling to find out what happened liberals are so fragile like eggs thank you for this comment is David Blaine based based yeah don't say based on what that's fucked up to me I don't need to think about David Blaine hanging out with Toby McGuire sure and I'll getting hit on by a street wizard would be annoying I feel it would be well you'd have a real fear that you can't escape yeah sure locking horns and someone with powers beyond this realm now I'm just like pick a card and it's like check your vagina is that the card oh my god your vagina is the card in that oh yeah I meant in it but yeah oh yeah he's captured your vagina is he'll be like do you think that you I know your card and then it's like it's in your ear or whatever yeah yeah I don't know what David Blaine is he he'd like locks himself in a pool and stuff yeah I gotta tell you I would be successfully seduced if I pulled out a photo of my vagina that would be pretty cool just the odds that you'd have one of every vagina just in case or so small it that's probably mine I think that probably happens so like most women on the internet at any point yeah you were just sliding into their DMS to be like is this your vagina hey they're like why do you have that this is David Blaine why do you have this picture of me in my bedroom I'm stuck in ice again $10,000 I get that email every day oh I was gonna go on some rant about how if wizards were real they'd be fascists but okay we don't because they're old well they're inherently of a different realm than us right they believe power yields only to itself that's true and thus they would try to master humans the way that we've mastered the animals that's right I hate to go on my soapbox here so early in the show but an answer to one of your penis is full of soda wizards are an existential threat it's them or us make that Harry Potter movie hey make that movie how about that we say that every quarter question we do JK I know you know you're watching absolutely make that Harry Potter movie yeah JK yeah he's so cool I like his hair we keep reading chorus that he's like faster we have to do to meet his today we have a great spread parenting questions this is quarantined okay we have done this one in a while that's enough these are all of the questions about being a parent your parents really a free association with the word parent any of us parents yeah I like to think we're all parents in a way yeah no hundreds enough we're definitely the most qualified to weigh in on this though because a real parent would have their minds like blurred by the the process right we're taking an objective look at this from the outside it takes someone who can step outside of that parents do we all have casts our listeners not our children beautiful children yours was better than mine okay well this is a starter here I'm excited for this this question Oh Rob says that he's kind of our dad closer to our JK Simmons yeah not my tempo okay okay this question is my 18 year old son just became a first-degree Freemason and it terrifies me am I justified for being afraid okay every child goes through this there's a massive power dynamic shift you have to reckon with her are the Masons a bigger force in the UK Devon I couldn't tell you I understand I know more I don't know much about the Masons that they like what's their deal what are the boys up to they're like our little secret society thing that people talk about all the time it's like a split analysis here either they have unlocked like the secrets of Moloch and perform dark rituals to control society or it's like a club you can go to to get a job yeah it's kind of it's not real but people every now and then are just like the Freemasons secretly control everything no it's literally real like that part of it's not real they're like every president was a Freemason it's like yeah also every president like went to Yale every president owns a co-op yeah I don't know whatever I am this guy's 18 year old son is one so yeah you got to put in your time this there's a spooky answer here though because Zach Farrar says hi there Freemason here of six years and then it's hidden behind Quora plus kind of powers is this 18 year old gotten access to that you don't get access to by like just being an adult um he's got some friends you know he could get a job it's like most kids you know they turn 18 they start like smoking cigarettes this kids like drinking a lot of virgins with the Freemasons I'm afraid my 18 year old is going to smoke cigarettes now that he's a Freemason I can't stop it because he's a Freemason too powerful bunch of them showed up stone cutting my house or something all right we got more answers on this Ian Smith lives in I answered this question what's up I was gonna say I'm interested in the Freemason micro ecology in Bermuda I want to know about them this is a Bermuda with not working and now maybe that's privileged there's like a 2,000 word answer unfortunately okay well there's a gist first really about the nature of Freemasonry if your son is joining a regular lodge part of the worldwide fraternity would not worry the Freemason slogan is make better every Freemason memorizes the phrase the order is founded on the principles of brotherly love relief and truth that is 18th century and now translates in modern language to mutual support and encouragement charity and honesty that's that's a good motto for a lodge can I say that a fraternity could have a worse motto trying to see if he says anything bad if you're concerned look up the ritual and read it a lot of join a fraternity that'll be great fun it would be kind of fun such a stigma about joining adult fraternities they don't let you do it man you try they get really mad at you they call you a sicko it's like you can be an adult student I'm sure you guys like join the fraternity here you can show up at the Masonic Lodge you know all of the presidents were in the fraternity that's true they're all in alpha omega Phi that's right Jeremy I tried to riff one that was pretty good those are three Greek letters you said that's probably one yeah when I be to strike you down for that this guy also says Freemasonry is a group that helps men learn to speak to lead to understand to be confident in themselves and support them supports them in their beliefs and ethics Freemasonry is really a secret organization with an elaborate plot to rule the world they're like which one is it is it a place that helps men speak or is it a place that sacrifices goats and virgins this is essentially what I said also saying Occam's razor in it I don't see I think he's saying like Occam's razor is like why would they be the secret society when they could just be a cool group what I guess is true yeah that's all societies when you think that true probably is easier to just be like a cool group than a secret society yeah it feels like a lot more work to set up a secret society but it's just like hang out with the boys you gotta confiscate everyone's phones in there yeah Dave Chappelle Dave Chappelle is watching the door at this doing his time I have a friend who went to a comedy show and put his phone in one of those bags but press record right before doing it and he did record the guy's whole comedy I was like dude that's illegal they're gonna arrest you send you to Ohio style jail yeah you're gonna go to Ohio style prison because Dave Chappelle lives in Ohio does he live in Ohio it was it wasn't a Dave Chappelle show that guy joined the Freemason so they can't touch him now yeah exactly what I'm taking from this post is that there what are 100 answers all by Freemasons and that Quora is full of Masons it is kind of interesting huh note as an atheist that's an interesting start the Freemasons aren't scary George Washington was a Freemasons there you go along with a whole bunch of the oldest presidents United States it's like they're not scary just everyone who ever led the country was a just some guys who killed a lot of people altogether several slave-owning American founders all right that's another this question I think it disgusts me yeah move on George Washington did it okay my husband accidentally pushed our four-year-old daughter off the 40th story window out of anger how do I prevent my husband from being sentenced to jail he doesn't need that hassle he doesn't need that hassle really underlines the problem with going to jail doesn't it this probably did this is obviously like a troll or whatever but I do like that he doesn't need that stuff going on right now here's the thing about my husband he works he's got so much going on as soon as you go to jail that's the one thing you have going on yeah that's right clear your schedule pal hmm he's not cleaning the flat it's not you think the daughter survived the four-year-old daughter who was pushed out of a 40 40th story window out of anger well kids are pretty small and I know bugs little bugs my little love bugs any kids yeah I think he would have meant I would have mentioned if the kid died and yeah and the thing matchy to be fair she maybe she doesn't want him to go to jail so maybe she wouldn't mention this it would be so funny to write this post and then like the child's fine and not include a princess she's fine no issue for the child okay some good answers fine it was one of those Christian babies out of parachute so yeah the the father renounced atheism to protect the baby so every Christian four-year-old got shoved out a window he shoved my baby out of a window and I renounced Christianity before she hit the ground so I'm fine I'm not free that's right this is you can do people don't know about this Warner sim says look sweetheart we don't need the hassle from you trolling us never do as parents of actual four-year-olds like myself need to read such triggering comments yeah it's probably true take a fictional writing or something join a free online class enter short story competitions or join a properly moderated online fictional role-playing group or better yet get out in the real world pick up larping things too there's nothing wrong with it just leave people who want serious questions and answers please and that's us that's really good that has 1,000 up us that's a lot of core of yeah you're not see that every day right everybody I really like starting any post with like look sweetheart sweetheart sonic the hedgehog is actually really cool he's never been pregnant the law is surprisingly deep it's really well right when you get into it the sneakers are so detailed um but uh yeah he's probably going to jail anyway the last thing you want to do is go online and admit he did it yeah that's where I'm gonna start your honor he's really busy he's in a band my husband is Scott Pilgrim your honor yeah there's too many girlfriends to go to jail he's gonna take care of like three or four more ex-boyfriends they're not gonna have in jail maybe maybe Ramona flowers dated this four-year-old and that's why he threw the baby out of a window oh well in that case yeah justified a be easiest boyfriend on the list she turned into a bunch of coins love conquers all thank you for writing in with these parenting questions we have some other great historical teachings all right I might get this one wrong for score and seven Quaras ago we read it these are history posts yeah okay here's a very American question in prehistoric times when men and women lived in caves did they really love each other say it Pierce the narrative I'm happy to put my name down towards that sweetheart they did and they made a romance saying I think so I don't know why they want to be from what I've seen in these very suggestive books they maybe were more in love than we've ever been in our present time that's right there are sexy cavemen in books look into it there's one answer my nan loves it all of the women in my family all read these books and they like talk about it like they're I know exactly the books you're talking about yeah well it's not always a caveman but it can be any all kinds of professions of man and there's often time-traveling I don't know if caveman is a profession to live in a house anyway so the caveman he somehow finds a modern woman and he's swinging it the way they don't know how to do anymore unfrozen caveman lover yeah yeah that's what we're talking about okay I was thinking a joke on SNL but yeah Lauren is there anything funnier than caveman come on but at the same time do check out these books there's five thousand I will I've heard of like Bigfoot stuff like that where people like have sex with creatures but that's apparently very lucrative online is to write books about women having sex with cryptids and it'll be like I fell in love with a dot-dot-dot Dracula I don't believe you that this is lucrative I think this is so out of laid-out shit that's fake not real exactly the kind of thing that would be half of the economy that is I hundred-percent believe yeah like a good living by the way you do not have to get a degree to write your I made love to Frankenstein you can do that at home no it's a great job we have a lot of impressionable young people Oh Rob says look up Chuck Tingle oh I already know Chuck Tingle on the pod is Chuck Tingle's thing is that he just writes like the most just a sex book about anything because I see I see he's have seems to be there's a book about having sex with wordle in this it's a lot of like it's like the game wordle word salad plus gay says no they're just like that most of those are just written for the title handsome sentence I fucked my butt in the ass yeah physical manifestation of wordle pounds my butt is a slightly frustrating but ultimately rewarding and meditation wordles very handsome and some ultimately rewarding by the way means that they came at the end I think so I'm looking at these Chuck Tingle books I'm thinking like is it does everyone have abs is that it yes it just seems like everyone but me has abs and that's why we're firing you from the podcast my macaroni and cheese is a lesbian also she is my lawyer that's complicated yeah I don't like this guy pisses me off it makes me bad hey why don't you go to a forum of asking creative questions while we ask serious questions here on Quora yeah exactly screw you Chuck anyway so this question is did cavemen love each other yes they did they believed love grew over time that's from Cheyenne I think cavemen can love each other I don't know we both married people we met in high school so who are we to be like no you have to have a larger community to find love I that's not at all the same what no I understand where they're coming from it's a real place which is our Neanderthals emotionally developed in a way where they can find love but many animals can find love and there's no way to think that these giant sexual brutes weren't head over heels with each other in these caves now there's a TV show it's called Geico's caveman if you're playing corridors bingo at home Geico's caveman is the center square circle back on my one the book I was thinking of was the clan of the cave bear by Jean and I think of the Cape and your family tells you that they read this book that's correct oh my nan loved this series she was reading it all the time I picked one up as a child and opened it and it was just raw just a sex scene straight in the middle epic prehistoric fiction about prehistoric times oh this is kind of an old one my mom was very into the Highlander series which is now a TV show oh mm-hmm which kind of I think ruins the appeal to me because the whole point is it's a sexy novel if you're just watching sex that's porn yes just porn like reading about it that's way more high-class the whole thing where you're just like what does like a soft core porn was always baffling to me just like I'm here to jack off but just a little bit that's what the whole point of Quora is literally like half of the website is people just being like I want to jack off I'm surprised that wasn't in the baby falling out a window answer about like don't come on here where I'm jacking off and post about four year old falling out a window risking it to scroll Quora while you're jacking off it's the website just like answering all of the question you know be like how dare you fuck you I was looking at a bunch today and like there's so many questions that are just like my stepmom made me take off all my clothes what should I do I feel like that you can answer them like six years later and be like don't don't have sex with your step sister yeah come on you guys are a family I'm late don't have sex with your alright really hope you didn't speaking of George Washington we have a question about him why did Washington allow California to be c-shaped instead of shaped like a normal state which allows it to reach all the valuable coastal property without contributing agriculture back to the country Devon you had to know we were gonna throw this one at you first and foremost is it c-shaped because it kind of looks like an angled line it's a wide sea yeah it's a fucking best here let's be let's be honest with ourselves it's like a backwards J it's like it's a backwards J here a Ghana coup because he's a liberal and California is of course a famously liberal state yeah that's why he did it for all the lib jobs they're doing over is it frustrating that you have to know all of our dumb bullshit and we probably don't know anything about the you know anything about name one County in Britain Buckingham pretty good pretty good yep Buckingham shear is a county leads they come at me bro they think I'm not gonna have my words here yeah we know all sorts of stuff I got a whole admirals uniform I dress up in California it looks nice you know I'm a lot of it's a desert and is a forbidden to be lived in by man by God and it's a sin to be there but God bless her out there but why did George Washington allow it to be a sea she I don't know why do you do that I do the interesting part of this is like this is someone aside from the fact that George Washington was not around when the California started there were all these other people we don't have to talk about them now but they had California yeah and somehow we got a hold of it anyway he's not picking he's not picking state shapes that's all I think you just let him you just let him show their natural curves yeah like Massachusetts just looks like that George Washington was always talking about how he loved a curvy state they all look like figure eights to him a real state is one that is supremely wiggly around the border we know this it's it comes up against a river so if you look it on a map it straight line you're not trying make it wiggly uh the ones that are like rectangles it's like go fuck yourself how dare you it can be the same shape just greeble it a bit for ya just throw a bit of like wiggles on there now we're good why you make it natural that's all we're asking it's Ohio come on Colorado come on Iowa maybe I'm in dangerous territory I don't know the feel better if it was wiggly er in Wyoming I think you would I'd probably remember them more yeah it's too hard when they're like rectangle 34 which one's that one exactly yeah I think they're this is the part of the show that appeals to ten-year-olds a lot it's like states is too hard our show and you know who hates our show those stinky teachers always give it his homework yeah here's my homework I'm going on core tell your mom to go to patreon.com we got all kinds of resources over there you can print out crayon drawings whatever listen anytime you're listening all we need is the number on the front of your mom's credit card fun little digits on the back send them to us the security code is important though all joking aside anyway do you have to include security pleasing cue include the security code what kind of means things are people saying people are bad about the timeline here are you talking about George Washington the first president we did not own California at the time in fact we knew very little about the west past the Smoky Mountains did you flunk history that's Linda Morrow now there are probably people who were named George Washington in the time that California was made into a state and my question is why did they allow it to be c-shaped speak on it right speak on it five people named George Washington right now if you are George Washington you are complicit yeah exactly why not you you see shapes as states how dare you I think we're on the same page here we should try a triangle you know yeah they're all squares and like parallelograms nice triangle I mean whatever that one is up top that looks vaguely triangle shape looks if I knew the name of it ready to make that point you're looking at half of Michigan I can tell it's Vermont baby look at that beautiful trying this sucks we're just discussing the shape of state there should be one that's my stance here I agree I don't think any of our triangles and it would be misleading to say they are I agree now let's look at Quora where someone has posted a picture of Dave Chappelle from the early 2000s saying really how stupid are you really in that person I think as a nude photo as their profile check out meme creator calm now I can't see it so story Monty says what the hell are you smoking Washington died 51 years before California became a state check into an asylum check into an asylum all caps by the way get your show up to an asylum and say why did George Washington allow California to be a state and they'll lock you up I don't know enough about history put me in there all right let's go on to quinseltown movie and celebrity questions that's the Hollywood song this is our number one most glitterized segment tinsel quinseltown remove the James Bond question we had oh no I just I maybe I didn't copy it over but I can find it if we should do that one though that was the one we found for Devon the only one we found for that one that you found for me and we removed the back road up Devon still winding it up at the plate I don't know where it is I think it's really good I got removed some a mistake that's all I need to do here I got you here tell me some more about some states you know matter I mean Tennessee's long um we don't have to do this oh there's some problems of Rhode Island and Connecticut what's going on over there all right I've got a quick we don't know here we go let's this is so important that we found it we just had to take the time to make sure this got done now Devon this question is does James Bond have to be British no that was an Australian one no boom which one this George Lazenby baby the second James Bond that's right that's a documentary about him you did yeah I did actually what happened he was James Bond for like 20 seconds yeah if he did one movie and dipped and it was great and it's ideal and then he went on we loved him we was a huge fan of him on the kill James Bond podcast and then he went on stage in Sydney and said a bunch of old white guy shit I can't imagine we shouldn't have said that we love this guy quite as much as we did let me just say I sign up for everything this man says cosine whatever it is in perpetuity he was an actor in 1967 you say cosine cool I bet this guy's opinions were great he's probably cool like Ozzy Osbourne um this Brosnan's Irish as well so really no I guess would be the answer to that one these are all domains of the queen this is true this is true the next James Bond could be from any domain of the queen so Canada's we're looking at you bond come on we're looking at you let's get Justin Bieber in there that's like an angry like rage bait article from 2006 Justin Bieber the new James Bond who's gonna be next James Bond Avril Lavigne Seth Rogen these are all great James Bonds I would love to say James Bond Seth Rogen chiefing that cheebo while he does it I mean what would that be like it's James Bond that's Seth Rogen as James Bond yeah um it's uh I have to kill you that's what it would be like um and he does have some movies that do it to brush into the topic but um I guess Devin on your show do you find anything quintessentially English in the way James acts yes in the he's a nonce and um basically a rapist and things like this so it's not grades I think there's a core Britishness to James Bond that unfortunately can't be disentangled um as much as everyone would love to uh I mean the whole empire thing and he's in MI6 for one right or is it five James Bond movie is is set in Jamaica and this was filmed at a time when Jamaica was still like a holding of the crown so this is just it's imperialist from minute one there's no way he has to be British he has to be British he's definitely killing all those people for a good reason that's the if you're not on board with that you are going to have a poor time as he shoots a guy with metal teeth in his mouth that's his main goal does Jaws have metal teeth oh 100 okay thank you I felt like I was crazy I felt like I was being gaslit by the show I don't know and not assuming Jaws has metal teeth yeah he definitely yeah what does Quora think on this uh the character James Bond has to be British there's a canon backstory about how he was born to Scottish parents and grew up in Scotland quite separately from that he's an agent with SIS what's SIS it's sudden infant that's when you suddenly have an infant he's definitely not I feel like I watched all of these movies quite recently I would have noticed this uh the actor MI6 I think I'm pretty sure right I'm pretty sure is MI5 like the FBI for England it's like the national one and then MI6 is the international one that's how it works I'm gonna say 100% yes and let's not check okay yeah I feel 100% yes yeah I feel like it okay do we have anybody being based in here no I'm trying to find angry people um they're all just movie fans it turns out yeah I'm not really going anywhere that's a shame sorry uh well I feel like we've fully answered the question I think it would be fun to make an American James Bond movie where he's just like from Kentucky oh okay like he's countrified yeah he's country James Bond I think they should shake they should experiment yeah the king almost said the kingsman did that but they didn't really that Channing Tatum is the king's man I mean yeah famously he does anal it's in the movie yeah it's a weird movie it's a it's like p i p o v you are the penis's head and there's anal that's how it ends yeah okay uh here's another question if Michael Corleone came out as transgender would Vito have been supportive this is interesting from a film from the godfather from the god now Michael is the son yeah and if he came out of transgender in 1946 yeah and his father his father came out in the 40s famously about the what the 50s is it about the 50s it's not important we clearly don't know the movie it's about the past so it's oh you're right it is the 40s to 50s I'm wrong well why did you die jeremy you try to shoot me down I thought you were saying that came out in the 40s as a godfather yourself trying to protect Michael trying to say Michael can do whatever he wants he's from a very conservative background I think Vito would be supportive right I think this I mean Michael was always the sweetheart of the group anyway you know he's sort of a daddy's boy he's totally the favorite oh 100 I mean that's why he gets to be the godfather am I right am I crazy for thinking that all right now Jeremy's just playing the godfather music if you don't know that this is uh check out the godfather we own the rights of the godfather oh yeah we're gonna get in trouble for doing that aren't we never mind forget I did that thank you um but yeah Vito loves Michael I think he'd support whatever's going on I think so thank you Quora for this question I honestly I bet that this would be a good fan fic throw this on a03 sure right why not I bet it's already there Sonic the Hedgehog you come to my room asking me for a favor there's gonna be a consequence you come to me on the day of my daughter's gender reassignment you don't even think to bring me a gift you know I don't know what do I think of a gift you get a gift after gender reassignment I feel like you should right like it should be like a like a new pussy ceremony for you it's implied that the gift is the pussy I think that you should get them like a very stereotypical gender gift you know like if someone's like transitioning as like a trans man like I'd want to get them like a real like guy yeah I got you a gun here now you can kill yourself like the rest of us you can go to work with this leather belt man get an axe for timber we're back we're back on timber and folks we're back on timber um teach a trans man how to shave I mean that's always nice and nice yeah that's a good one have any of you ever gotten a shave at a proper barber shop sure no you have yeah I think so how was it it's fine I don't know speak on it what's going on I've never done that I don't know if I have I feel like I have I don't remember you would know buddy you would know the answer is no no and maybe great I don't know I dream about it every night it's confusing I'll give you a shave on the podcast one day as a bonus two thousand patrons were shaving jeremy on the pond wait I'm getting shaved the whole thing um all right let's move on to another question there's no answers here I really am dying to read I'm guessing um they're pretty negative honestly about Michael and Vito uh I think they're a beautiful family that's a shame we gotta change that quarter and that's why I'm making the godfather for I think he'd be supportive you know he's an old man he's at the end of his his life you know he knows that the the future is gonna be different maybe this is what the difference is yeah is that the head of the mob's gonna be a woman the godfather fandom is just so toxic it's terrible they just want all the all the people to look so hot in it release the corridors cut if we cut the godfather it's way worse now it was fine before so hard to have a trans positive reading yeah but we can do it we can figure it out we have to do a lot of like dubbing where what characters are turned backwards and Vito's just like and also if you were trans that's fine I'm cool with it I think love is love they massacred my trans boy my trans mask boy what a powerful film now this is kind of a departure from film into the world of music we don't cover this too much except for M&M in the movie venom which we will not be discussing today this next question is is BTS part of the illuminati triangles I don't really know anything about BTS um well there's a bunch of boys a bunch of boys they sing and they dance they're fooling around they're fooling around is BTS still singing I thought they were an army now they I think they'd signed up for the army you're allowed to sing in the army yeah every every troop has one guy who sings from what I've seen on tiktok the army is mostly singing and dancing a coordinated circle this goes right back into our freemason question are they part of the illuminati somewhat of a theme today is there an illuminati in korea I guess they're are they global they must be right the whole concept yeah man there's a there's a church that's way too close to the president all this this is big big geopolitical news that definitely happened and I remember it but I don't remember any of the details but definitely yes one of my big uh soap boxes is that the korean illuminati is too powerful over the japanese illuminati that they need their own space I like the idea of going to a illuminati meeting with all of the like old powerful people and being like have you guys seen BTS we gotta get them in here these meetings are gonna pop because they're all like what 17 right now so like it had to be recent I think they're like they're older now but they were they were like child stars so and that's when you want the illuminati we gotta get these guys in here they can do private shows for us just we gotta draw a little pentagram in their chest or whatever but like they do pretty much have a private army they're in oh the illuminati yeah like beat no BTS could probably like army we're not getting in trouble just for saying a violent purge tomorrow yeah they'll kick you out of illuminati if someone's trying to give a speech and you're just like yelling over i'm just like yo stand jungkook we love you this is tea we're trying to have a meeting um shut up about jimin we're talking about global politics we're trying to run the world here maybe they were created by the illuminati maybe that's the theory that the illuminati was like we need a boy band on our side let's bring uh korea's hottest boys together yeah and you know dance just off the top of our heads let's all name how many people we think are in bts oh no 11 at least i was gonna say seven or eight but i really don't know i'm gonna lowball it in case it's like closest without going over i'll say six all right that's smart that's smart yes and that way if there's three i get the most money i think there's money on the line has anyone ever done carl young kook before has that been done that's good all right you gotta go back to twenty two three four five six seven there's seven you nailed it bro i fucking nailed it i'm the world's biggest the comments are going insane right now hope what i don't even know oh wow they're also known as the bulletproof boy scouts i was gonna say also known as the bangtan boys if you try to kill these boy scouts you're in trouble i did not know that they stood for anything i kind of just assumed it was behind the scenes if you stand for nothing you'll fall for anything bts true too cool for school now the korea answers army at the moment i think it stands for the south korean army uh at the moment uh there there's some polarizing responses in the thread we have a strong yes and a strong no i just say i do think that north korea should get in on the korean boy band movement it's you know resource that'd be dope i have a lot of ideas for north korea and they are not taking my battle at the moment coordinators goes to north korea i have a lot of i have a lot of like tips me too i know i could like launch their podcast wing i agree that's actually like the only thing i could do but i could do a pretty good job at it yeah i've just been there in the corner they have like a lieutenant from their army i'm like just keep vamping say anything do you think kim drago needs clips you need reels bro okay i'll read this side like a big into the microphone just a bit closer kim kim you're too far away you just hear like just him eating all the time stop eating on mike kim that's the problem kim has awful mic discipline he's never waiting for anyone to stop talking in the hall whom among us he's talking before he's introduced on the podcast it's tragic stuff that's why we need to ship alex into north korea yes i will halo drop yeah i was going to say we want donations for this but actually we're already going to do this don't worry this is already set there is an arrangement with the united states military i will be killed before landing and that will be used as precedent now back to this quora and playing with a christian baby over north korea yeah christian baby is not okay uh angra ha sweetie ar says yes of course they are okay real quick i just remind everyone the question is is bt as part of the illuminati thank you jeremy angra ha sweetie ar she possibly says yes of course they are first of all i was in army and i am not proud to say i have to say this for other armies that i don't know the dark side k-pop world and so it kind of goes off from there but there's strong yes there and then we have another answer from alec alizana nash with an x and they say my answer is no because if they are part of the illuminati would never feel a pain hate and hardship in their life as k-pop idol and as for their mv it's just for people who love entertainment wow that's great amen man it's a complicated question they also say um sorry please armies don't take illuminati as a joke it is dark if any armies are seeing this please get out of k-pop world they really will destroy you corporal i've read something quite disturbing we need to change the illuminati policy um yeah she's she's got a lot of theories about the k-pop world i don't know i think the first one was far too confident it makes me think she maybe has some insider information here either about you know bts or about the illuminati either one her source seems to be someone's dream uh okay that's a good source that's that if the illuminati is dark and powerful i'm not putting dream manipulation out of the realm of possibility here either um she says let's start when i was hearing these songs when my father was having a bad feeling about him he's a presbyter i didn't listen to him but i was worried is something like this so i started checking google then i saw someone share their experience and she said her mother had a dream that bts member jungkook's tattoos turning into demons then i remember something i also had a dream like jungkook fully turning into a monster but at that i didn't take it seriously but when i saw this experience i just got remembered and then i started searching all the other k-pop and it really was shocking everything had a dark feeling all groups had a song about the fallen angel and i've had enough so stopped searching those and i really wanted to share this with you guys please army don't take illuminati as a joke please army don't take illuminati as a joke please armies please if you have a dream about jungkook's tattoos turning into a monster report it to someone with a lot of guns if you can it's clearly symbolic he's in the he's in the illuminati this is her only answer so she has been disappeared oh well that's a damn shiv okay definitely yes then this is what happens if you address army's first uh the thing you do okay let's uh let's get the next question going here we got a lot of great stuff okay yeah um this is our religion segment corbett and fruit okay no that's not it there we go that was not a real siren it's a big day for getting the second time right again if you're doing the corridors bingo at home you will have already ticked that off as well that's true you may be getting close to bingo and i do not know what you win i don't know it's probable uh a bunch of wet clothes we're here on uh the corbett and fruit segment this is all of your religion questions your questions that are more spiritual than others um now we talk a lot about um the different fates here on the show sure and it's a it's a charged time to kind of get to the bottom of like your relationship with god and so this question come it springs from that it says do muslims not realize there are pork molecules in everything they eat and drink due to avogadro's number checkmate fuck uh so avogadro's number i i looked it up before this it's kind of just like there's so many molecules that's what it means it's like oh there's a lot of molecules so his number is just all the molecules yeah it is actually i should have fucking it's like all of the molecules in like a uh in a uh of any gas present avogadro's uh constant or whatever it was it's the number of molecules in one square meter one mole gas is like the molar value of it or something like that yeah do you got the number on you yeah we got it pulled up we know it you got the number oh i definitely don't i'm not even gonna give it a shot something to the power it's fucking ten to the one six and then okay what are we doing zeros or is it times there's a point like seven here okay you know what i'll give you most of the socks i'll give you i'll give you most of it this is good content i can name states if we want as well like this is good stuff all right six point zero two three times ten to the what we're talking avogadro's numbers slam that like button we'll give you a hint jim carrey's freaking out about this one it's the number 23 twice in there 20 number 23 two times you see it everywhere boom it's avogados number yeah that's right um it's avocados number uh it's fine i guess there's pork in everything because of the avocado number like ultimately it's just nothing's changed then i guess so you just carry on as i guess just status quo back to what we were doing before then oh no oh we're all stardust damn it um i thought that i thought the implication was that there's pork and everything because humans are like long pigs that was what i interpreted the question as originally right yeah uh but it's actually way dumber than that though pork's just off-gassing naturally so should be fine i guess pork is biting human meat so hard it's so cringe how badly they want to be human meat we get it you want to be me we taste way better we can get super fat if we want two thousand patrons we will eat man we're gonna eat one of us will be eating who will it be vote in the comments uh all right the vote i'll read one of these john says pork molecules i'm a straight a student of biology and i'm completely confident there's no such thing as a pork molecule shut up nerd bitch shut the fuck up smoke this cigarette guy this guy this guy's thing his bio says japanized american now i don't think this man is japanese i think he is saying he is a weeb but in like the weirdest way he looks so white i've spoken japanese as a teenager who lives in japan on and off for a total of 18 years originally from united states transplanted and in los angeles i go back and forth between le and tokyo area of japan he is a japanized so he's pretty japanized isn't he what the fuck does that mean well it means he that he gets a straight a's and do you feel like you're japanized i'm not wait a minute he's been back and forth to japan for 18 years and he's like a straight a student like did he start going as a child or is this guy like an adult man he's an i got all a's when i was in school by the way he's fully an adult actor astronomer and the best photographer i can afford he's a doogie how's the wrasse they're flying them all around the world when you when you out of out of school you're no longer a straight a student yeah tell me your fucking grades man i don't want to hear about it it's ridiculous um anyway yeah he says uh people are mad that people that no problem i had the idea of a pork molecule which i guess it does make sense that like you could like put something under a microscope and be like that's pork ah the pork cells are multiplying i don't know a molecule even smaller than a cell i'm reading yeah i'm always saying that big episode one of the smallest things that there is it's up there with the atom folks crazy how much people are learning do you think you can make a bomb by splitting a pork molecule sorry what were you saying devon no it's just one step above atom and then you're a molecule that's small all right that's a big not even thinking about cells here if you if you're an atom you can't even conceive of being a molecule it's so much bigger than you that's right it's a lot like joining the stonemasons yeah that's how big it is a molecule as an atom you're in the lodge with presidents pork wise you're part of a collective now it's bigger than your pork yum um do you want to read one more question of the college episode yeah let's do let's go on a good one here all right dude do the resume one okay this is the core place okay this is our work related quora questions we're all cool job owning having people i'm sure job having i don't know here's a question should i put my iq on my resume okay no yes really yes i feel like it's gonna be funny to me so 100 if you're looking for a way to stand out they're gonna remember the person who had their like brain mapped out and sent it to them my this guy hated in high school had uh his mom had her iq in her email oh like a sign-off no like in the address that's good dude yeah yeah i got that in my email sign-off just after before everyone knows what they're dealing with i got everything i need to know was it like a really high iq um it's pretty high i don't want to say it because i think it's still her email okay yeah so what if what if people started i don't need people emailing this woman from my childhood her i really don't want it to happen she's wiser than you possibly know but you don't have to read out her email just like what was the number you can just give us a no it was uh 140 that's high that's pretty good i would put that in my resume i'm plotting your downfall from home i've got a rubik's cube i solve absentmindedly while we talk that's right yeah it's floating around her i'm on mars and i'm frowning um when i was in the car with her i think two times she drove the wrong way down the street oh that's crazy she was really smart kind of an alternative thinker huh yeah yeah do things differently take the road less traveled and by that i mean take the regular road but backwards in a way that's very dangerous what i like about the answers of this question is it is full of people who have been there before like don't it feels like a great idea at the time i totally get why you want to i made the mistake of mentioning i was a mensa member on a resume for a past job i didn't make the mistake of revealing some of the high scores i found that as result management tried to squeeze extra work out of me so this person's like they will hire you and they'll make you do more work they're gonna be working you like a genius dog that's that's crazy i also i have to mention the person who mentioned they were in mensa on their resume their name is eusebius eusebius clay come on inventor of the c squared keyboard that's pretty good what is that that's the c well we uh we all know keyboard he's better the c squared keyboard we're looking at we're gonna find out if i don't see i'm going to know what's going on i don't know what this is whatever this is a great keyboard you gotta buy a keyboard check it out exciting stuff okay i'm on the wrong quora i'm a mess you'll be seen as an arrogant douchebag no matter how you downplay it i had it once never again i can't say i found any positive interaction with it whatsoever you might as well try this is an insane decision to make also this guy has his iq in his quora because actually quora probably the only place it's a good idea to that's right i was about to say it is the iq number is for your quora page specific there's no way to check it like what's stopping me from just like putting 185 is my iq on a resume jeremy that's pretty smart you may be a iq of 180 maybe i am really smart you can figure out how to game the system like that one question how do you drive on roads me yeah standard i find my own right okay freestyle i don't know i'm going my own way he's a real asset i'm a man going my own way i just want to call i did not read any of these comments before i called that they would all be people who did this and i was 100 you called your shot bro from downtown nose quora all of these guys are going to have done it their computer's having a hard time yeah it's not loading anymore yeah needless to say we are getting too close to the truth i want to see if there's any that need improvement so usually those are the best ones all right here we go let's see no all caps if being a member of a high IQ society is something you are proud of then you should admit uh add it to the personal interest section of your resume alternatively you could perhaps include in your cover letter that's insane yeah just slip it into the cover letter is this advice yeah yeah just just slide that you've got like a mensa membership and you're stonemason and you're neil luminati and bts i got straight A's in high school and i'm 32 and this is my 11 in japan for 18 years and i'm japanized i'm pretty much japanized japanese japanized japanese no i'm certainly not japanese at all everybody gets confused there yeah i just like it i just like it anyway i do need money i am broke uh okay moving to japan i don't know what you can do that that's legal it's fine it's legal and it's fun you don't have to invent a word for it i'm worried my son has become japanized maybe that should be our core question oh interesting that's fine nobody comes to britain describes themselves like anglicized right yeah i mean people do call themselves uh anglophiles that's a big thing bad call it yeah i've seen anglos it's weird weird thing to say don't throw a file at the end of that i was having fish and chip they always are well fish and chip pretty decent having a fish and chip an ale yeah these are the things that are up to we know everything about pies things like this things and mash you know of the toad in the hole things like this these are all things that they do pigs in blankets but it's it's sausage wrapped in bacon and stuff oh that's not what we do it that's not how we yeah no we look different over here we all ain't from around here huh culture is so fascinating there's so many different ones and uh we love to celebrate it here on the corridors program uh let's get our question in we will wrap this thing up do you have a question you want to ask quora it's hard to choose isn't it i don't know but i kind of want to trick like really hone in on this japanized thing like anglicized something like that sure i'm worried that my son has become anglicized from watching the crown yes oh that's good what should i do something like that yeah that's great and that way we can get our son involved um people have been catching on by reading my other posts that i seem to have a varied life from all around the world they shouldn't be doing that it's cheating quite frankly answer the question what is my son doing what am i supposed to do about my son she's talking about diana all the time it was a people's princess shut up john it's fine she was in the way oh he's an anti-dianne she thinks she's so good well not anymore seems nice i'm sure she's fine my son keeps calling people cunts now that he watches the crown all the time they gotta stop that all right we're wrapping up the show devin thank you so much for coming on forators the number one show for the quora answers the questions where can our listeners find you at home in the rod well you can go to x.com the dying website find that devin underscore on earth and you can listen to kill james bond wherever podcasts are found check out advertisers are on it she's been on the show before that's right she's a draw folks people love abby lover check out x check out ecstasy try tweeting if you haven't done it yet it's great give it a give it a go it's losing its shine a bit but yeah i don't know what you mean check out the dude while again is good i'd say thanks for coming um if you're a woman feel free to stick around and watch more core writers i'm glad i brought you here but like this we need to help these boys out yes that's right you're welcome here all are welcome yeah and if you weren't something you're welcome we're all pork at the end of the day yeah you learn avadaga is constant which is of course 6.0 something times 10 to the 23 that's right 6.0 two three there's all kinds of facts i'm gonna do another plug for theater of delight season six now on kickstarter.com until the end of december you gotta get on there to pack another one of these thrilling seasons before the end of december and if you're watching this after that go fuck yourself disregard what i'm saying here and that's gonna be it for us here at corridors and as we say every week it's question everything bye stay humble |
CrackerMilk | the_meaning_of_life_fucked_fairytales | Hello, my name is God, I'm the sickest frog, I'm the sellest steel log, got all the power in the gnome, universe, I'm in space, I'm underwater, I'm within, my planet earth, what a lovely place, it's way sicker than the rest of space, my son Jesus says you're doing great, you've all become really good mates, so I'm gonna tell you all the meaning of life, what in fucks can't is all this shit, why is everyone hating on the gays, why are people still wearing double denim, Jesus you said it was good, you fucked me, you fucked me, listen up and hear me well, keep this up you're going to hell, it's alright, two kids boys, even if you are also a boy, smoke some weed, have a chill time, I can't think of another rhyme, don't need to rape or kill for me, but if they fuck kids well then feel free, they won't listen, worlds turned to shit, there's nothing left for me to give, I'm meant to be almighty, but really I'm just alrighty. You alright there mate? Oh yeah, oh good, just having a bit of a song. How much have you had to drink there mate? Oh no, this is just, Jesus Christ. I guess it's time for me to go, what I did wrong, I guess I'll never know, I only had one job, I was God, wait, I'm still God, maybe things aren't so messy, just give me one more secchi, I can use my wizard powers, and save all my precious flowers, I can give it another try, and be the sickest, coolest, sweetest, biggest, diggest, motherfucking almighty God! Can't be fucked. So see you later, I'm going to hell, you're a bunch of cunts and I wish you well, don't be scared or afraid, I'll get one of you to save the day.
Where am I? Am I dead? I've killed you dead, here's my job to do instead, by the way you've got a son, just so you know he's a bit of a cunt. I'm God? Oh my God, I've got so many questions, how do I?
Dad! I'm hungry, I want some cereal! Dad! |
cracked | matthew_perry_s_favorite_role_wasn_t_chandler_ | People are obviously still very shaken by Matthew Perry's death. The beloved friends actor passed away this past weekend. And a lot of people are sharing the fact that he didn't just want to be remembered for that one show. In this interview with Tom Power, he said that he wanted to be remembered for helping others get sober. And in the past he revealed that friends wasn't even his favorite gig or what he thought he was the best in. On his own Instagram story, he said it was the 1997 rom-com Fool's Russian. In the movie, his character has a one night stand with Salma Hayek's character. And three months later, she shows up on his doorstep pregnant with his kid. Salma Hayek also mentioned the movie in her tribute to the actor on her Instagram. Now of course Chandler is an iconic character and it'd be really hard to separate him from that. But I hope that everyone can honor his memory by remembering him for what he wanted to be remembered for, which is helping other people with addiction and maybe Fool's Russian. |
dropout | seinfeld_gets_auto_tuned_sponsored | I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea.
You gotta have a story. Who says you gotta have a story?
Just talking? Well, what's the show about? It's about Marape. I WAS IN A BALL! It's about Marape. Who wants to have some fun? I still don't know what the idea is. It's about Marape. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? It's about nothing. Nothing is anything wrong with us. I still don't know what the idea is. It's about Marape. You see?
Here we are. Cosmo Kramer. Come on. Cosmo Kramer.
Yes, man. Yeah.
I could be a character. A jerk storm. What am I supposed to say? Nobody does it better than me. The lame could be a character. Hey, hey, hey. Oh, come on.
Did you see that? Maybe the ding go away. It's your baby.
My place, yadda yadda. Yadda yadda.
It's about Marape. I WAS IN A BALL! It's about Marape. Who wants to have some fun? I still don't know what the idea is. It's about Marape. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? It's about Marape. Not that there's anything wrong with her. I still don't know what the idea is. It's about Marape. About Marape.
Yeah, right. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_kenan_thompson_heidi_gardner_and_michael_b_jordan_snl | Facebook announced that it will reinstate former President Donald Trump's account, but this time they'll put guardrails in place to keep him under control, which I think is the same thing they said every time they tried to reopen Jurassic Park. Also, what even are guardrails on Facebook? And can they apply to my Uncle?
Because he's posted some very disturbing fanfiction about the Green M&m. In the wake of the classified documents scandal, representatives for Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama issued statements saying they all turned over all classified records before leaving office, while Jimmy Carter issued a statement saying, come and get him, you bastards. a little sassy Jimmy Carter impression. A lawyer from Mike Pence says that after they discovered classified documents in his home, Pence stands ready and willing to fully cooperate. incidentally, I stand ready and willing to fully cooperate is also what Pence says before sex. During the Senate hearings investigating Live Nation and their monopoly on concert ticket sales, fans of Taylor Swift protested outside the Capitol.
Oh, that's sweet. And only two years after, their dads were there. Senator Rick Scott, seen here, learning that Harry Potter has fallen into his trap, announced that he is running for reelection, promising to finish the border wall and name it after Donald Trump, even though most things named after Donald Trump are complete failures. Senator Santos admitted that while living in Brazil, he did dress in drag, but said he was not a drag queen. Okay, honey, we knew that from your contouring.
Ron, Ron and Mcdaniel was reelected as chair of the Republican National Committee in a closer than expected vote over challengers Harmet Dylan, Mypillow Ceo, Mike Lindell, Twitter user Cat Turd Two, Kevin Sorbo, Kyle Rittenhouse, and of course, Colin Joes. congratulations, Kyle. yeah, thank you. that election was rigged. Google announced that it is cutting 12,000 jobs, while Yahoo announced that it is now run by a family of raccoons.
Pope Francis criticized laws banning homosexuality as unjust, saying that it's not a crime, even though Catholic Doctrine views homosexuality as a sin. he also stressed that Catholic doctrine views age as nothing but a number. Disney World is closing Splash Mountain to turn it into Tiana's Bayou Adventure after complaints that its Song of the South theme was racist. Okay, but where's the outrage about Disney forcing a mentally challenged dwarf to mine blood diamonds?
New York is expected to be the most expensive rental market in 2023. Here to talk about it is the new doorman to my building, Carl. just a little reminder, I noticed that you haven't given me an end of the year tip yet. you just started. Oh, well, maybe soon then.
Man, you remember that night? things got wild. I talked to the police for you. I don't remember that. I know, right? Yeah. hard to keep track of all the crazy nights when Mr. Michael Che is your tenant. tough to remember which night is wild and which night is just a rugel. Oh, man. we live in that life, Che.
We? yeah, man. we doing the damn thing. my dog. So what's this? What, what, what you doing here, man? this is Snl, man. it's my job. Oh. oh, okay. Oh, so you're just out here making the big bucks in a half-suit and jeans.
Hey, buddy, Che. Che.
What, man? you know that lady came around looking for you again, right? Whoo. you know the one, that lady. she's like real smart. All right. she came to the building again, asking about you, man.
But don't worry. I told her you moved to Jamaica. I did good, right? why would you say that? I'm absolutely here in New York on live Tv right now. yeah, but she ain't watching. Okay. well, thank you, Carl. I really appreciate it.
Hey, Che. Che. you know that little kid came around looking for you, right? he was talking about, Tell Che, my mama said he got to take me to the zoo. he said his name was Demichael or something. I don't know, man. I'm just a vessel. Oh, my god. that's not my kid. that's right. that's what I told that little dummy. that's right. Che, teamwork. make the dream work. up, up, man. Well, thank you for stopping by, man. hey, Che. Okay. you know that dog came around looking for you, right? he got that bark like, grrr. Che, Che, Che, Che. I swear that's what he be saying, man. I understood the dog talk, though, Yeah? hey, man. who is Cornelius? I don't know. you sure?
Because every night, at 8 o'clock, this man shows up and leaves one shoe on my desk and says, tell Michael Che, this is from Cornelius. And if he wants the other shoe, tell him to meet me under the bridge, But New York is wild, man. Okay. now, I know you have to go. I mean, I mean, who's watching the building right now? Oh, don't worry. I put a sign up that says, if you're looking for Michael Che, just call 917- No, don't give them my phone number. why not? that's against the rules. it is? Well, I guess that's why I'm a doorman and you here making crazy money using that desk to hide your dirty jeans. Call my doorman, everybody.
Hey, man, it was six cats looking for you. the Dallas Zoo has been dealing with the disappearance of several animals, including a leopard, monkeys, and a vulture. in an unrelated story, check out my amazing coat. officials at Tiktok are trying to stop efforts in Congress to ban the app by launching a campaign called Project Texas because Tiktok is their baby and they know Texas won't let them get rid of it. A new Ai chatbot has created controversy after it allowed users to talk with Jesus and Hitler and one guy who thinks he's both. This is just news, guys. a 23-year-old Chihuahua in Ohio named Spike has been officially named the world's oldest living dog. The secret to Spike's long life? a lot of Chihuahuas look the same. Chipotle has announced plans to hire 15,000 people to prepare for its busiest time of year, which they are calling burrito season, and toilets are calling the apocalypse. researchers in Antarctica have discovered a 17-pound meteorite. sadly, it was on top of the last polar bear.
A mattress review site is paying people to test the theory that eating cheese before bed will give a person nightmares. But if you're in bed eating cheese until you pass out, your life is already a nightmare.
This week, Wendy's announced they'd be bringing back their Vanilla Frosty after a brief hiatus in 2022. here to talk about it with her. Good news report is every boxer's girlfriend from every boxing movie about boxing ever. how are you doing? how are you, Angel? I'm better. Well, does your boyfriend Tommy have a fight tonight? he better not. because the last guy hit Tommy so hard, there's no more clams in his chowder. I love him so much. But I swear to God, if he fights again, I'm taking the kiss of my sisters.
God, well, in good news, the Vanilla Frosty is making a comeback. Oh, come on. what is it? Wendy's, You think a Vanilla Frosty has a shot going up against chocolate? you're sick. So Vanilla Frosty, if I see you back on the value menu, I'm not taking the kiss to Wendy's.
I'm taking the kiss of my sisters, All of them, All of them. Mikey, Nicky's Peppa's kino, and the twin.
Are you doing okay, Angel? Barely, barely. I'm doing a lot better than Tommy, I can tell you that.
Creed ruined Mj. Wait, Tommy fought Adonis Creed? Creed hit Tommy so hard his eye flew out, landed in Peppa's lap.
So one night I forgot to take the kiss of my sisters.
Jesus. so where is he? I know Creed's here. you've been advertising the fight all week. Creed versus lil Baby Live on Peacock. Angel, there's no fight tonight. Oh, yeah? yeah. then what's all this? Cams, sold out crowd. I'm looking at Jamie Foxx and Gina Gershon sitting front row next to Cocaine Bear. that's just a black guy sitting next to a white woman in a big coat.
I don't care, I want Creed. Angel. Adonis Creed, you know you're the reason my kid's dad watches more Sesame Street than they do. You ever think about us, Angel? don't. remember? Before Tommy, there was Creed. You remember Lil Nicky? he's yours, Creed. What?
Tommy never asked why one of his kids was black? Tommy don't see color. that's nice. No, he don't see any color, numbers, or shapes. his potato is baked, Creed.
Angel, look at me. you're coming home with me tonight. But what about Tommy? What about the kids? Listen, from now on, I'm taking the kids to your sisters. |
dropout | dinosaur_office_new_boss_part_3 | Previously on Dinosaur Office! I'm the new CEO and I'm ruining the company to get rich. I'm going to give a PowerPoint presentation to change his mind. I never got the brand muffins I was promised. Dinosaur Office! Roar!
Are you using the proper VGA cable? Yes, Todd. Oh, there it goes.
Mr. Velosi, you're about to sacrifice this company to make a quick buck at your employee's expense. You're making a big mistake. Dinosoft is more than just a company.
It's donating to your co-worker's 5K charity stampede. I've never made! In conclusion, Mr. Velosi, you can work these dinos until they're extinct. But you'll never be rich without friendship! Wow, great work, Greg.
That was tear-awful. I had to make a word for how bad it was.
I was going to sell the company, but you've convinced me that it's completely worthless. I'm out of here. Does that mean we get to keep our jobs? I don't care. Do whatever you... I did it! Right? I saved the company. Actually, Bruce just quit. Oh, thanks to Craig's presentation!
For he's a jolly good cray-go! Which nobody can deny! |
dropout | How_Border_Patrol_Violates_Your_Civil_Rights | You've just entered another dimension. One where it's legal for you to be stopped, searched, and detained without probable cause or even a warrant. You've just crossed into the border zone. Well, actually, you crossed into it 50 miles ago. Step out of the vehicle, please.
The border zone covers everywhere within 100 miles of a land or sea border. That includes 10 entire states, 9 out of the country's 10 biggest cities, and two-thirds of the population. Wait, that whole thing is the border zone? Yes, and the border patrol can set up checkpoints anywhere within it, even between two American cities. And in this zone, they can stop and search basically anyone they want, even American citizens.
They can even force you to unlock your phone without cause, and they do this routinely. In one famous case, they even searched a NASA engineer. But there's classified information on there. I was vetted by NASA. Houston, we have a problem in Houston.
I'm not letting them look in my phone. I have nudes on there that I've been saving for someone. Well, if you refuse to cooperate, then we can search your car, detain you for hours, and keep your phones for days. Days without our phones?
Ahhh! We are so screwed. Why couldn't you just hand over your phone? He's probably going to search the whole car. Well, it's your fault. We're here in the first place. Oh, are we whispering now? Fun.
The fact is, even if Colby had driven around the checkpoint, you still could have been stopped. The border patrol can legally pull you over anywhere within the border zone.
All they need is reasonable suspicion. Well, then we'll be fine. We haven't done anything suspicious. We're just three wholesome, innocent teens.
The problem is, they tend to take huge liberties with what qualifies as suspicious. The border patrol has pulled people over for things as arbitrary as sitting rigidly upright in seats, making a U-turn, or simply driving towards Los Angeles.
What business do you have in Los Angeles? Guns? Drugs? Homes of the Stars tours?
And in 1975, a Supreme Court ruling authorized what effectively amounts to permission to racially profile people. Get out of the car. The Supreme Court says I can pull over anyone with a Mexican haircut. What's a Mexican haircut? Whatever I say it is, it's a flimsy pretext for racial profiling, dumb-dumb. |
cracked | 4_types_of_bullying_we_are_shockingly_ok_with | Congratulations, everyone. You did it.
Your delta swift and deadly could chop to the neck of bullydom. Through all of the It Gets Better campaigns, the zero tolerance policies in schools, and even the deliciously satisfying videos of bully comeuppance on YouTube, you combined your forces to fight a legitimately dangerous and deeply rooted problem in our society. You're like the Voltron made of sympathy, or like the seven million samurai. So go ahead, pat yourselves on the back, you champions, because today, it's a bad goddamn day to be a bully. Well, it's a bad day to be a very specific type of bully. If you look like this, then fall into cactus, fire idiot, because humanity has had it with you.
But if, say, you're the type of person who buys apple pies from a Burger King so that the annoying cell behind you in line and his stressed-out mother can't have any, then please carry on, you glimmering hero, because we like the cut of your shitty jib. If the rest of you don't know what I'm talking about, a man was recently waiting to order fast food when he noticed the cell behind him was being loud, oblivious to social etiquette, and generally childlike. The kid also made no secret about wanting some apple pie. So to teach this little fucker an advanced course in the school of hard knocks, the man bought every apple pie in the store and ran away with them. But not before eating one in front of the disbelieving mother.
And when the internet found out what he did, they were stoked. People shared iterations of that story well over a million times with tags like, this guy is my hero.
And what courage? It sure takes a brave soul to screw over a tired mom and her toddler like that. What courage, indeed. Question mark.
Or this dad, who recorded his teenage daughter taking selfies in the backseat of the car. Of course, he then privately showed the video to his daughter to teach her a valuable lesson about the ridiculousness of selfies--no, I'm kidding. He posted it to the internet, and thereby invited all of her classmates, her friends, everyone she has ever met, and ever will meet, to judge her by that one silly moment of teenage self-indulgence. Which they did. Complete strangers called the teenage girl a sign that humanity was doomed and a raging other far more terrible things.
Boy, we all got that girl good, huh? The point is, bullying really hasn't gone anywhere. It just doesn't look like a jock beating up an asthmatic kid anymore. And that makes us feel pretty darn good about it. As long as we can agree the victim had it coming, then we're pretty much fine being the letter jacket buddies to the popular kid doling out the metaphorical wedgies. So how do we collectively decide who has it coming?
Simple. Ignorance. There's nothing we hate more than someone who was raised differently than we were and who has limited access to differing perspectives on the world.
F*** those nerds, right? Like when 50 Cent commandeered an awareness video for a horrific disease to instead publicly call out Floyd Mayweather for being borderline illiterate. F*** the buck of the ice, man. That video went viral, and we helped. Or this kid who tweeted a racial slur about the president on Twitter and the internet found out his address, his school, the names of his family members, and then encouraged everyone to do their level best to ruin his tiny little life. Because the day we let a teenager say or do something stupid without catastrophic repercussions is the day that we might as well hang up our internet sashes of justice.
Oh, you guys didn't get sashes? Weird.
No, I'm not saying that ignorance is something we should all tolerate. There's nothing wrong with trying to help someone understand whether sexist, racist, homophobic, cisgendered, fat-shaming, climate crisis, denying, closed-minded opinions might be wrong. But take a deep breath. Drop your pop-collar of righteousness for just a second. Consider that maybe if your response is to threaten to shit down their throat or to insist that they go kill themselves or to reveal to hundreds of thousands of people their home address that maybe you're relishing in the punishment just a little too hard. So try not being an asshole sometimes. Or don't, but I'll rearrange your face.
Geek. Roll sound. Roll cameras. And action. Hey, everyone.
Thanks for watching the video that you just watched. I hope you loved the jokes in the video. Please make sure to subscribe to our channel of videos for more of those videos. And if you already have, write words in a comment box below this particular video or other ones. And click the like button. It looks like a thumbs up now, I think. And that'll indicate that you liked the video that you just watched. And we also have playlists of other of the videos that you can watch.
Dangerous and deeply rooted problem in our society. You're like the Voltron made of sympathy or like the seven million samurai. So go ahead. Pat yourselves on the back, you champions, because today it's a bad goddamn day to be a bully. Well, it's a bad day to be a very specific type of bully. If you look like this, then fall in a cactus fire, idiot, because humanity has had it with you.
But if, say, you're the type of person who buys apple pies from a Burger King so that the annoying child behind you in line and his stressed out mother can't have any, then please carry on, you glimmering hero, because we like the cut of your shitty gyps. If the rest of you don't know what I'm talking about, a man was recently waiting to order fast food when he noticed the child behind him was being loud, oblivious to social etiquette, and generally childlike. The kid also made no secret about wanting some apple pie. So to teach this little fucker an advanced course in the school of hard knocks, the man bought every apple pie in the store and ran away with them. But not before eating one in front of the disbelieving mother.
And when the internet found out what he did, they were stoked. People shared iterations of that story well over a million times with tags like, this guy's my hero, and what courage. It sure takes a brave soul to screw over a tired mom and her toddler like that. What courage indeed, question mark.
Or this dad, who recorded his teenage daughter taking selfies in the backseat of the car. Of course, he then privately showed the video to his daughter to teach her a valuable lesson about the ridiculousness of self- No, I'm kidding. He posted it to the internet and thereby invited all of her classmates, her friends, everyone she has ever met and ever will meet to judge her by that one silly moment of teenage self-indulgence. Which they did. Complete strangers called the teenage girl a sign that humanity was doomed, and a raging other far more terrible things.
Boy, we all got that girl good, huh? The point is, bullying really hasn't gone anywhere. It just doesn't look like a jock beating up an asthmatic kid anymore. And that makes us feel pretty darn good about it. As long as we can agree that the victim had it coming, then we're pretty much fine being the letter jacket buddies to the popular kid doling out the metaphorical wedgies. So how do we collectively decide who has it coming?
Simple. Ignorance. There's nothing we hate more than someone who was raised differently than we were and who has limited access to differing perspectives on the world.
F*** those nerds, right? Like when 50 Cent commandeered an awareness video for a horrific disease to instead publicly call out Floyd Mayweather for being borderline illiterate. F*** the bucket ice, man. That video went viral, and we helped. Or this kid, who tweeted a racial slur about the president on Twitter and the internet found out his address, his school, the names of his family members, and then encouraged everyone to do their level best to ruin his tiny little life. Because the day we let a teenager say or do something stupid without catastrophic repercussions is the day that we might as well hang up our internet sashes of justice.
Oh, you guys didn't get sashes? Weird.
No, I'm not saying that ignorance is something we should all tolerate. There's nothing wrong with trying to help someone understand whether sexist, racist, homophobic, cisgendered, fat-shaming, climate crisis, denying, close-minded opinions might be wrong. But take a deep breath. Drop your pop-caller of righteousness for just a second. Consider that maybe if your response is to threaten to shit down their throat or to insist that they go kill themselves or to reveal the hundreds of thousands of people their home addressed, that maybe you're relishing in the punishment just a little too hard. So try not being an asshole sometimes. Or don't.
But I'll rearrange your face. Geek. Roll sound. Roll cameras. And action. Hey, everyone.
Thanks for watching the video that you just watched. I hope you loved the jokes in the video. Please make sure to subscribe to our channel of videos for more of those videos. And if you already have, write words in a comment box below this particular video or other ones. And click the Like button. It looks like a thumbs up now, I think. And that'll indicate that you liked the video that you just watched. And we also have playlists of other of the videos that you can watch. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | I_Feel_Like_Everyone_Hates_Me_An_ICE_Agent | I've just been, like, so sad lately, which I know everybody gets sad, but this has been like a really deep soul-crushing depression, because, I don't know, man, I just feel like everybody hates me all of a sudden. Yes, yes, same. What is that? Right? I mean, I realize there should be some kind of reason for it. I just can't figure it out. Yeah, you don't think it's locking all the kids up in cages, do you? Why?
Yeah, good point. I mean, they chose to enter this profession, I mean, country, and now they have to deal with the backlash. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, I'm just at a loss right now, because I can't walk down the street without getting dirty looks. Ugh, God, the disrespect is enormous.
If it makes you feel any better, my own wife turned on me last night. Unbelievable. I was telling her about my day. She's like, oh, I don't agree with what you're doing. She stopped talking to me. So what? She doesn't like what you're doing. She still has to treat you like a human being.
I just don't get it. I mean, I went on five first dates last week, and they all walked out on us. When did they leave? When I told them about my job.
Oh, my God. You know what? That's unbelievable. This is good, honest.
Kid for the cage!
You know what the problem is? People just don't have any manners anymore. That's what it is.
Hey! Kid's still in the cage! You know what? I never told you this a couple days ago. I was walking across the street, and somebody spit on me. That disgusts me. What? Every human being deserves a certain level of dignity.
There you go. Take good care. Yeah.
I don't know. I just don't think anyone's ever gonna understand this job.
Hard work. We're in here eight hours a day.
Mm-hmm.
All right, well, see you tomorrow, kids. Bye! Sign up for your Free Trial today. You don't need all those straws. Give them to me. Bye! |
TheOnion | Poll_Shows_Majority_Of_Americans_Would_Watch_Something_Called_Love_Trap | A cool guy from middle school is still sporting his fat pair of jinkos, a stunned St. Peter Square crowd hears the Pope getting bitched out by God, and an 8th grader caked in makeup is probably really confident. Put your 3D glasses on now to witness this video rendered in jaw-dropping blue and red. This is The Onion Week in Review. This week a Pew Research Center poll found that the vast majority of Americans would watch a television show called Love Trap, with most saying that regardless of the show's genre or quality, they would tune in weekly to see its stars stumble into romantic triangles, double-cross one another, and contend with whatever the titular love trap refers to. The survey confirmed that 62% of Americans would likely watch Love Trap to see a shrewd but cold-hearted southern belle named Tammy, 23% of the nation hoped the show would be referred to as The Trap by its most loyal fans, and 15% of respondents said they simply needed something to watch.
Authorities confirmed this Thursday that they had discovered the grisly, disfigured remains of 15 hobbits in the attic of acclaimed filmmaker Peter Jackson. Police sources noted that they had rushed to the scene after neighbors reported high-pitched screams and the smell of pipe weed emanating from the Lord of the Rings director's New Zealand home, at which time they found the tiny, decomposing halflings behind locked doors. At this time, I can report that Peter Jackson's victims included several 40-year-old children from the Bothans clan, along with elder Tewkes as old as 11-1. When we took Mr. Jackson into custody, he appeared to have zero remorse for his gross mistreatment of the tiny halflings, which often included sawing off their hair-covered feet and denying them second breakfast nearly every day.
Claiming that the signs were right in front of anyone who dared look closely enough, dimwitted conspiracy theorist Daniel Burgess told reporters this week that he could definitively prove that the United States government was behind NASA. The simple-minded 34-year-old described the litany of evidence he had gathered connecting NASA to high-level members inside the government and noted he could connect Barack Obama, George Bush, and virtually every single president since Dwight Eisenhower to the agency's operations. You really think when NASA went to the moon that they just happened to put a United States flag there? That doesn't just happen. The American government was paying Neil Armstrong. They were paying Buzz Aldrin, too. Have you ever even looked at the NASA seal? You might notice three letters printed across the bottom, U-S-A. It's not an accident.
And in this week's science news, a biologist completes a five-minute study of the pathetic organism in his mirror. In other news, a man confidently hits send on the worst job application a company has ever seen. Google's StreepView provides panoramic imagery of Meryl Streep. And a deformed freak is born without a penis. This weekly summary video ends now. But what is life after all but a series of news videos ending? For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | adam_ruins_everything_low_fat_foods_are_making_you_fatter | Sorry, but low-fat foods don't help you lose weight, and the only reason you think they do is because of bad science and worse marketing. That's ridiculous. When I eat fat, it goes in my body and becomes fat. And fat is bad. Yeah, that's what everybody thinks, but it's not true.
Oh, hey, an egg timer!
People have been eating fat for as long as humans have existed, and their lives were swell. Fat tastes good. Also, salve for tiger wound. Okay, maybe not swell. The point is, fat is one of our oldest and most basic nutrients. Wow, thank you for the history lesson, Adam, but I need to lose weight, and the most important thing is for me to cut out fat. Yep, that's what the sugar industry wants you to think.
Holy ham, Bonny, you trying to give me a heart attack? Funny you should say that, because in the early 20th century, doctors began to notice a disturbing rise in a once-rare condition called heart disease. Americans' hearts are failing, but where will the love go? And when President Eisenhower suffered a heart attack in 1955, it galvanized the nation.
Someone looked into this! Americans were determined to fight heart disease, but instead they were bamboozled by the sugar industry and one very suave scientist. This is Ansel Keys, a scientist so popular he once made the cover of Time Magazine. Keys was certain that fat was the cause of heart disease, but only because he cherry picked his data to get the result he wanted. This data's out of sight, this data can sit on it, fat makes you fat, ay!
And nobody cared that his research was bad? Not really, except for one, slightly less popular scientist named John Yudkin.
Actually, sugar is the likely culprit. When you eat more sugar than your liver can normally process, it's stored as fat. He has denounced Yudkin and made fun of his research in public. Fat makes you fat and stored! And people just believe this jerk? Because of a big assist from a group with a sickly sweet agenda, the sugar industry. In the 60s, these candy-coated capitalists started straight up paying scientists to downplay the dangers of sugar and shift the blame to fat. When John Yudkin spoke out against sugar in 1972, the industry publicly mocked him, calling his research science fiction. Now we've been eating fat for millennia, but if we track the rise in sugar consumption, there's a clear correlation with the rise in heart disease and obesity. If we track the rise of sugar consumption, live long and prosper, beep beep, I am a sugar robot.
I am not a sugar robot. I am not.
The sad truth is, Yudkin was right. We now know that sugar is linked to both heart disease and weight gain, and it's been found to be more addictive than cocaine. But Keys and the sugar industry spent so many years swaying the research that by the time Yudkin retired, the public was convinced. Despite being right the whole time, he died in obscurity. Wow, science is a harsh business. And Big Sweet's relentless lobbying didn't stop there. They spent years packing health panels with sugar-friendly scientists. We need reliable, objective research.
I've got just the man.
Fat's bad. Their campaign reached its sugar height when the USDA officially recommended a low-fat diet in 1980. Fat is the enemy. And once everyone switched to low-fat foods, everyone started getting thinner, right? Quite the opposite. After the USDA came out against fat, obesity rates actually skyrocketed.
But why? Low-fat foods must help me lose weight. I mean, I'm cutting out something, right? Wrong. When you take the fat out, it makes food taste worse. So to make it more palatable, food companies typically add a little something.
Piles and piles of sugar. Oh, this fat-free cake tastes like styrofoam, y'all. Let's just add a little sugar. And... much better. Now, let's talk about why I think white sugar is superior to brown. Okay, that's enough. Yikes. But you said that sugar makes you gain weight. Exactly.
The sugar industry peddled bad science and demonized fat in order to sell us more of the product that actually causes heart disease and weight gain. And now, eating so much sugar has made us fatter and unhealthier. Too snacky.
Sorry, Sam. It's true. Hey, Adam here. If you liked that, be sure to watch all new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
SaturdayNightLive | cnn_app_snl | These days it's hard not to feel stressed out and overwhelmed. Sure, Trump got indicted, but now everyone says the case against him is weak and that he'll never serve any jail time. as someone whose entire personality is hating Donald Trump, you need more. you need to feel calm and reassured. you need the newest meditation app. Cnn Zen. what suits even the most militant liberals, with sensual details from Trump's arrest featuring your favorite Cnn anchors and correspondence. he's the first American President to ever be indicted. this is truly a historic and humiliating moment. Trump is a sad, defeated man. they made him come from Florida where it's 80 degrees to New York where it's only 60 degrees. How depressing for him.
And his motorcade wasn't even that big. I thought it would be bigger, but it was so small.
Donald was all alone. no family or friends to support him. I shouldn't say this as a journalist, but what a loser. let New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman soothe you to sleep. this is his worst nightmare and he's really freaking out. Because now he knows. there are consequences. consequences. you can also listen to clips of Trump and his allies desperately spiraling. Please Donald J. Trump is an innocent man and he needs your help. Send him all your money Today at Donald J. Trump R U slash fundraising scam dot guilty. Trump's next court appearance won't be till at least December. that's why Cnn Zen has a whole section of Trump Indictment.
Asmr. Can you hear him getting fingerprinted? And the Da opening his big leather briefcase. Oh, and the little gavel from the judge. I wonder if you'll even hear handcuffs. With additional in-app purchases like audio erotica of District Attorney Alvin Bragg reading all 34 felony counts.
Count one: Falsifying business records in the first degree. Count two: Falsifying business records in the first degree. Count three Falsifying business records.
I hope this couch isn't as flimsy as the Da's case. Cnn Zen Because you waited seven years for this indictment and you want every delicious detail. And what ethnicity is Trump's judge again? Hispanic. Cnn Zen. in your mind, he's already in jail. of any jail time. As someone whose entire personality is hating Donald Trump, you need more. you need to feel calm and reassured. you need the newest meditation app. Cnn Zen. what suits even the most militant liberals with sensual details from Trump's arrest featuring your favorite Cnn anchors and correspondents. he's the first American President to ever be indicted. This is truly a historic and humiliating moment. Trump is a sad, defeated man. they made him come from Florida where it's 80 degrees to New York where it's only 60. |
dropout | the_roast_of_mario_featuring_patrick_warburton | Actually, Mario's first game was Donkey Kong. It was the story of a big, hairy ape in his battle against Donkey Kong.
I'm not saying you're ugly, but Boo's not scared of you. He just can't stand your ugly Italian face. How about who am I to talk?
Mario, you beat me so often I feel like Toad's dick. Oh, Mario, Mario, Mario, I've had a lot of men inside me, but you were by far the worst. It was like eating a pizza made of hair and denim. Speaking of eating, Mario eats mushrooms to grow, flowers to spitfire, leaves to fly, and everything else because he's a tubby ****. They call Luigi the skinny one, but next to Mario, King Hippo would be the skinny one. I love you, you skinny ****. Look, Mario's not a perfect boyfriend, okay?
The only way I can get his fat ass to save me is to say I baked him a cake. I don't even own a stove.
And in bed, let's just say it's like someone's holding the B button the entire time. Hey, I'll take what I can get. Mostly, I'm jealous of World 3-1. At least it's got something going into its pipes. Now, I won't say our next roaster's in the closet, but he's definitely **** more dudes than the water temple. Link from Hyrule.
Mario, your games appeal to everyone. Young, old, casual gamers, really casual gamers. Seriously, if your games were any easier, they'd be Princess Daisy. But there have been bad Mario games.
The one starring Luigi. Mario is missing? Seriously, I've never seen a bigger bomb. And I know King Bob-omb. And Luigi's Mansion? Come on. That game blew so hard, all my Nintendo cartridges started working again. Luigi, you suck so much, even your evil clone's a piece of crap. Waluigi? Jesus Christ, I'd rather play as E. Honda's jockstrap. Oh, ha ha. Everybody loves Mario.
Get your hands off of me. I should be the star. I jump higher than you. I'm taller than you. Not where it counts.
Somebody just rewatched the Mario Brothers movie. Jesus Christ, this is what I get. A marshmallow with an eating disorder, a single father of eight, and a gay elf? You're like a Bravo reality shows a crack, baby. It's no wonder Yoshi's back is so tired.
I've been carrying you all for years. Well, enjoy tonight. But remember who keeps you all working? Here's a hint. It's me, Mario. Peace out, bitches. |
dropout | the_modern_irish_drinking_song | Alright boys, let's see what we think about these yank bars. You think they got Guinness here? We Irish love drinking from court to Belfast. It's an old world tradition, so let's raise a glass. I stopped while of house and asked for a pint. The bartender looked at me and said, What kind? But the beer list was too long, so I sort of freaked out. Don't know the difference between lager and stout. And I got a whiskey, turned out whiskey's gross. Can't afford cocktails, just give me a croak.
There's a drunk at the touchstones, he loves maroon five. Four key bar, thirty credits, you play them all night. We Irish love drinking both Coors and Coors Light. Just water for us, though, cause it's a work night. It's cloudy, it's noisy, there's a band you can't see. Even though it's a sports bar, no sports on TV. To my left there's some frat guy to my right, Bachelorette.
And- Oh, Coors, sorry, can I bum a cigarette? I close out my tab, don't know what tip is fair. $9.95 for one ginger ale. This pub is a nightmare, good riddance to thee. Finally we're free, shit, forgot my ID. We Irish love drinking, but not over here. Your bars are the worst, and most of them have a weird milky smell, right?
It's videos where you can catch all the laughs. What was that, man? |
SaturdayNightLive | a_ladies_guide_to_party_planning_saturday_night_live | In this modern age, a lady faces many challenges, none greater than hosting the perfect cocktail party. party planning begins in the morning when your husband tells you you are throwing one. this is great news. before he goes, hand him his briefcase and newspaper. avoid looking at the newspaper as it may give you ideas. there's so much to do. hollow out a pineapple and fill it with shrimp salad. make a twenty pound gelatin filled with beef and marshmallows. whip up a fun Polynesian punch, one part Maraschino cherries, one part fresh orange juice, and a dash of gin. there's still time for a few quick bust exercises. And the guests are here. a lady knows how to greet each individual guest in accordance with their social standing. Greet men by the word mister, followed by their full name. greet women by their husband's name, or not at all. greet a divorced woman by her attorney's name. be sure to make note of the flaws in her figure and bust that brought about the divorce so that you may learn from them. homosexuals should be addressed as misses or miss, depending on their age. address cats by their full name, but dogs as mister and then their dog name. Because cats are girls and dogs are boys. when greeting a Jewish person, please bear in mind that like Italians, they tend to speak with their hands. it is important to give them two arms length of ethnic distance so that they may complete their gestures. If a black person arrives. Just kidding. a black person won't arrive. that's an example of party humor. the party is in full swing now and everyone is having a gas. you nod and smile as your husband tells a humorous story. There you go. after a few drinks, it is time to wake the children. put them in hats and parade them once around the living room in a single loop and the children will be put back to bed until the next party. after a long night of smoking cigarettes and eating gelatin, you may feel the urge to visit the Powder Room. a lady does not do this while company is present. wait until all your guests have gone home and the house has been cleaned. then you may go to the woods to relieve yourself. if it ends up being diarrhea, you must leave society and live in the woods as an animal. never return. The party was a grand success and your husband is very happy. you've entertained your friends and kept a cool head throughout. life is truly grand. |
cracked | cracked_s_guide_to_super_bowl_ads_cracked_responds | What a big game, hey guys? Oh, the largest.
I actually didn't think it was very political compared to years past, really. It just seems pretty standard. Like, there's been pro women ads in the past and people weren't like, ooh, no way.
People said that also about Lady Gaga's performance, and she just sang songs that were in her repertoire. And people were like, oh, she sang Bad Romance. That's like a metaphor about America. That song has existed. She sang Telephone. She loves public spending. I don't know, like, she only has, like, three or four huge hits, I would say. So she just did those. She did the hits, mostly.
You know, cool. That's what you do. Did make me really like her because of how transparently hard she tries. Even just playing the piano, she really posted up a leg, which, yeah, that takes some real effort. That's actually how Alex types every day at work, just with one leg up on his desk. So some ads, some notable ads.
Budweiser came through with a short film about immigration and about a German finally finding a place where he can brew beer. He had to come to America to brew beer because they've never heard of this beer stuff in Germany.
The bold thing would have been to put it out before the election. Like, let's change the hearts and minds of people after they voted. What a bold stance. Yeah, I feel like the only people who were mad about that were like, liberals pretending to be conservatives on Twitter.
So cool Rickroll reference from GoDaddy. Somebody playing the internet. What a funny idea. And he listened to that Rickroll song in his car because this was clearly an ad that was cut from like their early 2000s run of like hit Super Bowl ads. Yeah, they just forgot they had to do an ad and they're like, what do we got in our, like, looking through your old joke notebook.
There was that weird Yellowtail ad where like Australia was desperate to be cool. And they had a kangaroo DJing. They were like, what we really like is this kangaroo DJing. And like the kangaroo just DJed and they were like, what? And crikey, right? Yeah, it was like whoever wrote the Crocodile Dundee's was like shown one rap video. They were like, update this for the people who like this stuff.
So Bieber, I don't know what that ad was for as with most Super Bowl ads. I really rarely remember what the ads are actually for. I think it was a phone ad. It's like some kind of horrible Twilight Zone structure where it's like, it's just a weird thing is happening. And then you get like an unsatisfying twist where it's like, oh, it was for T-Mobile.
Okay, fine. Also, what you mentioned spokesman, it's the, that crazy Six Flags guy glasses, like the dancing all the way out with the bow tie. And he started dancing like him at the end. Bieber's smarter than all of us. The ad I'm seeing most like on the USA Today, like the winner of the ad sweepstakes was that Honda yearbook ad, but their mouths were like so far off from the words they were speaking. It was really like they weren't even trying. If you want to play the clarinet, maybe don't dress like this, but play the clarinet. It was sort of like on Conan when they would do the clutch cargo mouth on a, you know, it looks bad, but it's fine. Right. Yeah, my take away from that is now I can just animate any dead person.
Yeah, Sprint had my favorite ad, the dad faking his own death. Would have been way different if that had starred a mom. And she like pushed a car off and was like, well, kids, daddy's dead. Nicola Vultra is continuing to piss me off this time by stealing the cheers theme for their bizarre propaganda campaign, trying to convince us that beer is a health food. Fear is the new kale.
Right. Didn't they used to have Lance Armstrong years ago as like part of their campaign? Oh, did they? They were just like, oh, the ultimate endurance athlete. Clearly he has beers on the way. That's what he does.
Mr. Clean ad. What did you guys think of the Mr. Clean ad?
I thought it was funny, but I was watching it in a room of people and all the women in the room were like cheery. And I was like, why? Really? Yeah. So that worked? The room I was in, the women were like, whoo.
And the men were like, this is too erotic. I didn't do anything else. Cleaning is sexy, so men who should clean. Wash your sheets like more than twice a year. Men who don't do that. Ha, ha, ha. I don't do that. Oh, boy.
The Audi ad was controversial, right? Yeah. It's another one where it's like, it's so political to think daughters should have a future. Yeah, it was like the most basic message of like, women and men, I guess, should be equal. Sure, we think that. Because it said like, we support equal pay for equal work. And they might, but also Judd Legum on Twitter posted that their board is like six white men. And if you look up on Audi's site, it's the six most German men you've ever seen. We believe in progress. And you can tell because we made this ad. People were like, oh, it's so progressive. You don't even advertise to Middle America anymore in my Twitter feed. I feel like you could read it the other way.
Like, that Melissa McCarthy ad was telling you that you'll die if you do pro-environmental activism. Yeah, so what's up with that? Cartoonish, painful death will come to you if you join Greenpeace. But you'll become a Highlander and be unkillable.
Lady Gaga appeared in that Tiffany's ad. That was another ad where they really backloaded what it was actually for. So initially, I felt like it was just her laying in a black and white room with like big earrings on. And I was like, okay, where's this going? I was like, is this the beginning of her halftime show? Yeah, and one part of it, she said something about being a rebel or a rule breaker or something like that. And I was like, I don't know. You're in the ad for Tiffany. I know. What a rebel, a woman liking jewelry. Oh, no. Just a quick break from all the ad talk to talk about social media. I think Biden and Lady Gaga are sleeping together based on his tweet.
He was like, incredible. The performance by Lady Gaga, you amaze me and not just on stage. I don't know if they can see your hands, but you clearly did touching penises with touching them. Spuds and a Kenzie was huge when I was like four or three. And I Googled it later, but I don't know.
It's just a dog. Yeah, now everyone was just like, hey, what's the target dog doing in that Bud Light ad?
It was Kristen Shaw, who I love, being like in a torture chamber of phone feeds. I enjoyed it. It was good. She was funny. I like her as a character. Simple premise, let a funny person be funny is probably a good way to go, maybe.
There's the Mercedes-Benz ad that was for old people, about old people, with Peter Fonda from Easy Rider and blocking a bunch of bikers in with his slick new Mercedes-Benz while he takes a tinkle. Old guys do that a lot. There was that Terry Bradshaw ad, like his brand is elderly, mentally ill guy. He just seemed confused in the ad.
And then outside of the ad, which is a line that he clearly wrote when he thought the Falcons were going to win because Patriots don't land. I wish they had a sound effect where it was like, the Patriots have landed. Well, it sure was a big game.
So what would you take away from the Super Bowl ads, Alex? At one point, I realized I hadn't watched commercials in about a year. Like everything I watch is like ad blocked or something like that.
So thanks for the round of them. Really appreciate it.
Yeah, thanks for reminding me that I could still buy stuff, but actually I can't buy any of the stuff. I can't buy a car. I don't know. None of these things I'm going to buy.
Yeah, there is a bunch of ads for an Italian sports car brand that was so expensive, like I've never even heard of them before. Yeah, Alfa Romeo. And then at the end of the commercial, I was like, here comes their slogan and it was a line of Italian. I don't speak Italian.
You really broke up about that, man. You should get like Rosetta Stone or something. I'm very ignorant. Hey guys, thanks for watching that. Hey, did you know that monogamous sexual relationships are actually a recent development in human history? I know that's the sort of thing you typically hear from a 50 year old guy with a ponytail who thinks all naked bodies are beautiful, but as someone who finds the naked human body gross and repellent in most of its forms, I'm here to tell you that science and sociology and history surrounding sex are actually really interesting, even to a person who's never been to an orgy. Anyways, that's not just the more you know style public service announcement. It's what our live podcast is about this month. So Saturday, February 11th, 7 p.m., me, Michael Swam, Teresa Lee are going to be talking to Dr. Christopher Ryan who wrote a fascinating book about what sex was like a long, long time ago when humans were just starting to, you know, tickets are $7, they usually sell it pretty quickly. So click on the link somewhere on your screen now if that sounds interesting to you. |
cracked | 3_popular_children_s_characters_who_secretly_hate_animals_after_hours | In the Pokemon world, everything is not as strange as your part in the very nature of the game, and Pokemon is actually scared of this. What are we talking about? Video game protagonists that should be tried as work or not. Pokemon! How about... Oh, that's way better.
Now Daniel, you were saying some pretty incendiary things about Sonic the Hedgehog. Why don't you go first? Okay, so you know Sonic the Hedgehog? Shut up. In the first Sonic game, what's his goal? To stop Dr. Robotnik?
From? Collecting the Chaos Emeralds. By? Collecting the Chaos Emeralds. With? Super speed and jumping. At why? Daniel, what are we doing? Sorry, I had a good one-word preposition streak going and I wanted to...
My point is that in the beginning of the game, it's never clearly established what exactly the Chaos Emeralds do. It is established that Robotnik thinks that they'll help him rule the world. The all-powerful Chaos Emeralds! Yeah, we all know that. And we also all know that if you collect all the Chaos Emeralds and beat the game, you get a special secret bonus ending. I wouldn't say we all know that. Really? Okay. If you beat the game when you have all the Emeralds, at the end, the Emeralds shoot up into the sky, explode, and then a bunch of plants grow throughout Green Hill Zone. But, if you look at Sonic's face when that happens, he is shocked.
He had no idea those plants were gonna grow. He didn't know he was helping the environment.
All Sonic wanted to do was stop Robotnik. Okay, but we're talking about animal cruelty here. Dr. Robotnik was the one who put all of them in those evil robot suits, and Sonic was the one who set all those animals free.
Okay, well, in Sonic 2, what happens in the level of Sky Chase? Just tell us what happens! In Sky Chase Zone, apart from awesome music, Sonic and Tails are on an airplane fighting robots. But, what's inside those robots? Tell us!
Not little flying creatures, little regular creatures. He's not freeing birds. I don't know if freeing is the right word for dropping an animal to a certain death.
All Sonic cares about is running fast and jumping and humiliating a guy. Just a guy. He's not just a guy. He's an evil inventor. Is he evil, though?
Katie? Though?
The robot suits that he builds for all the animals, it keeps them protected, and it arms them so they can ward off predators. He's done a ton for animal safety, and Sonic is knocking them out of the sky.
You're right. No, I'm right. With it... Oh. What?
Yeah, Sonic is a bad influence on children. Clearly guilty of animal cruelty.
Well argued. Okay. I'd say it was almost as good as my example if the population of Green Hill Zone utilized an entirely dogfighting based economy. Exhibit A, your honor. Who are you talking to? I'll allow it. Thank you.
We all know that Pokemon is essentially legalized dogfighting. Yes, Pokemon trainers are. Ah ha ha! Can we really say trainer? I mean, really, when you ever actually see someone train their Pokemon, there's no scenes of housebreaking or obedience, training, socialization. It's just a constant barrage of fighting all the time, always. I agree. There was no episode of Pokemon where Ash teaches Pikachu how to poop.
Anything else? Yes. My Exhibit B is literally everything else. You know you're going to need to elaborate on that, right? I'll allow it. See? Because it's not just that a few people are fine with animal cruelty.
The entire society's economy is based on it. In the game, every city you go to has Pokemon hospitals. Every shopping center sells Pokeballs, Poke potions, Poke rocks. Whatever Pokemon are into. You either have to breed or fight or support the breeding and fighting of Pokemon. And what's going to happen when your society is entirely based on Pokemon?
Ooh! A joke about how no one has any sex because Pokemon is lame and stupid. No, you're too busy catching them all and they actually get any. No, that isn't it. Obviously.
Anyway, what happens is that all the power goes to the guy with the strongest Pokemon. You rise to power based on the strength of your Pokemon, and you can only be dethroned by a dude with a stronger Pokemon.
It's like the old west, and Ash Ketchum is basically Al Swearingen. EB is Goldeen. I have a charge.
I want to talk about Flintstones! Katie, did you have something you wanted to say? Everything that Michael said about Pokemon is true of the Flintstone universe.
But worse! Okay, the entirety of Bedrock's economy revolves around forcing the dinosaurs into slavery. Okay, slavery is kind of harsh. Well, yeah. No, the word in this context.
We ride horses. We have dog sleds. Well, people have dog sleds. You know, I read somewhere that we used to use live snakes as belts.
No, you didn't read that. No, I didn't.
It's silly. The point is that we use animals for labor all the time. It's not slavery. But we do use our animals for labor because they don't talk or think. I mean, the Bedrock dinosaurs have personalities and opinions, and humans have conditioned them to accept their lives of labor. Take every swordfish that doubles as a carving knife, for every woolly mammoth that's forced to be a vacuum cleaner, or every bird broom, bird clothespin, bird rake, bird pie maker.
I mean, what do they all turn and say to the camera? It's alarming. I mean, they can talk and think and dream, but humans have forced them into believing that there's no other alternative. Dino can't talk. Oh, but he could. Oh, too excited to know that information. In season one. I'm doing the Flintstones. Dino does talk in the first season. He's like well-spoken and clever. More like a butler than a dog. You can say that again. And what do the Flintstones do? They get him to cut that talking and thinking shit right out. I mean, sure you can stay here just as long as you sleep outside and you repress everything about you that makes you remotely human.
What would we call that if it happened in America? If we call that slavery.
In a kid's show. Why? Guilty. Creationism show. Two. What?
The Bible says that animals were put here to serve man and the Flintstones supports that. We're not going to talk about religion at all.
Yes, or Pokemon again. All right, which Pokemon would taste the best? Awesome. Jigglypuff. Yeah, I was going to say Jigglypuff.
I'm just going to leave. Okay. |
dropout | Your_Annoying_Cheap_Friend | And that's why I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.
Thanks so much for helping me look for stuff for my apartment. Oh, of course. Yeah, moving across the country is so hard. We are happy to help.
Ooh, what about this lamp? How much? $30? Ooh, then no way.
I can get it for cheaper. Or are you having like a hard time with money right now or something? Oh, no, I have a ton of money saved up for my jobs for dogs business back in New York. Helped down on their luck, dogs find jobs. I just can't buy something if I know a better deal exists out there somewhere, anywhere.
Okay, well, what do you have for your place so far? I have a La-Z-Boy that I picked up from the curb for free and a bowl that I haggled down to 69 cents at the flea market. That's it. Oh my god, that's not enough stuff. Yeah, you've lived out here for over a month. It's a surprisingly large bowl.
Also, everything else was a freaking rip off. I'm not going to get taken advantage of. Look, I get that there are a lot of bargains out there, but at some point you just have to stop hunting and get things you need, like kitchenware.
Like, how about these plates? They're only a dollar. For the whole set? Each. Then no way. I can get it for cheaper. Where? Um, a little thing called the internet. Heard of it? 100 plates for $3. These are styrofoam plates that say Sofia's Quinceanera on them. These are porcelain. Well, a plate's a plate and a deal's a deal. Okay, well, are you going to get those? I bet they drop in price. It's a surprisingly large bowl.
Okay, well, this toaster's only $8. A scam? If I get a Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupon that coincides with their spring kitchenware sale, I can get that puppy for a dollar tops. Okay, this printer is only $5. When CollegeHumor goes out of business completely, which I'm sure it will, I bet I can get the office laser jet for free.
You wouldn't even be able to bring it home. You don't have a car. I'll take a Lyft.
As soon as I get a promo code, and then I have a friend sign up using my referral code with a fake ID. What about this diamond ring for only one American doll?
Oh, hello, 911. I'm getting robbed by that price. I was kidding. There's no way this diamond ring is only a dollar. Do you hear yourself? This t-shirt is free. Here. I bet I can make it for cheaper. No, you can't. Materials cost money.
Not if I scavenge them in the trash like a raccoon. Would you value your time? I would if I knew what time it was, but clocks are super expensive, and I can make a sundial for free. Just can't read them.
Okay, you know what? Clearly, you are not going to get anything here. Let's just go back to your apartment. Okay. FYI, I don't have any lights or running water because I'm pushing back against the city for a better deal. Is that cool? Oh my god, no. That is not cool. Here, I will just buy you this lamp. No! It's not about me. It's about not getting conned by something that isn't the very best deal.
Fine, then go back to your dark apartment and sleep on your La-Z-Boy and eat out of your one big bowl. Don't be crazy, Jess. The La-Z-Boy is for guests. I sleep in the bowl.
I'm stealing all of it. I'm going to take this ring. Mine, mine, mine.
We're coming back for more. In the ocean, there's... |
cracked | wes_anderson_s_doesn_t_know_the_first_thing_about_aliens_cinemistakes | What's up you guys, this is your boy Steven Spielberg and the host of the show sin mistakes. We take Hollywood's Today we are skewer in asteroid City a little art film type, you know a woman I worked with that lids Suggested that I go I checked it out and guess what? I'm burning it to the ground A lot of people saying oh you can't do Wes Anderson movies, they're too above you can't understand them because you're too stupid and they're smart and you know They're all artistic and so I don't give a crap about that. I'm a god. I'm a movie Expert I watch the movie. I'm in a skewer it. That's what I do.
You're the top five mistakes in asteroid City The first biggest mistake in asteroid City is that there is no story Just art instead of a story. We just have about 50 million paintings. Every single frame is a painting Well, yeah, I'm so freaking bored. I was sleeping pretty much the whole time If I wanted to see paintings I go to my local coffee shop steamers Which has amazing paintings on the wall by a guy who does sort of like nudes of like Futurama and Simpsons He owns a coffee shop. They're actually really freaking good. And so if I wanted to see actual good paintings, I'd go to steamers So yeah, I can't go to an actual museum because they don't allow me there anymore. Whoa. What is this painting? It's a million dollars. You know, what else is a million dollars probably about three minutes of fast and fast and furious movie I'd rather watch three minutes of a fast and furious movie then stare in front of a stupid picture for 30 seconds Not worth my time This movie was pretty much more like an art film and our bunch of arts like 50 million arts in a row than it Was an actual like story movie if you were running around a museum really fast at the speed of a movie Just looking at all these different pictures that are not moving in there Like just art on every single frame a movie has like action scenes car chases guns and like a hot guys and girl and women And stuff plato identified museums are boring.
The second biggest mistake in asteroid city aliens are not funny They're scary. The alien played by Jeff Goldblum is like funny and kind of goofy or whatever But in real life aliens are scary as shit and they will get you they are here with us and we need to be scared of them I said that I wouldn't be talking about this But I don't care. I'm gonna do it because this is my truth I'll tell you what they don't come down in a big ship and beam your ass up and be nice to you What they do is they find you to Buffalo Wow wings when you're by yourself eating there They roll up at an unmarked van and a bunch of guys come out and when you're not looking they put a bag over Your head and they put you in the van and start beating that shit at you And they say like oh our heads too big for the hats at lids now piece of shit Fuck you and they drive you out into the middle of a field and they beat you up with phone books And they tell you that we're gonna keep using your credit card forever And if you ever report it then we're pretty much just gonna come back and do this again That sounds like it was real thing that happened But that's what aliens do they implant memories into you and that's what happened to me. I don't think this is very funny I don't think it's funny to be like aliens are cool and they're whoa We're goofy and like interesting like no, they're not. They're scary as hell plot All identified the alien in this was unrealistic.
The third biggest mistake in asteroid city is that Inceptions already a freaking movie asteroid city It's a TV program about a playwright writing a play about a city called asteroid city where the movie happens How many goddamn layers do there need to be come on? Let's just make let's just make a one movie a layer inside of a layer inside a layer and then all of a sudden We're gonna zoom back out and Leonardo DiCaprio is there and his kids are dead again What's gonna be going on here? This doesn't make it no sense First of all a play becomes a movie that's never worked no cutting in and out between different stuff Just one long story. Can we do that? It's too confusing. Otherwise, then you have Scarlett Johansson's character Who's an actress but then in the play she's playing a movie actress, but in the movie, she's an actress Okay, wait But then it's actually the the TV program is the movie is about writing a TV program about the players watching like it Doesn't make any freaking sense. It doesn't plot all identified try just making a movie The fourth biggest mistake in asteroid city is that Scarlett Johansson wasn't doing any black widow stuff First of all, I'm having a hard enough time staying awake in this movie as it is Nothing makes me sleepier than looking at art.
So I'm like Then every time I about to see started Scarlett Johansson I wake up and like oh Scarlett Johansson, let's go. Let's freakin go black widow is about to kick some ass up in here Let's freakin go and then she's off-screen. I'm like, huh, huh, and then she's on again I'm not about little let's get some black widow punches and kicks going and and shooting and stuff like that This movie made me so freakin sleepy, but every time Scarlett Johansson was on I thought like dude, she's gonna be doing black widow stuff. This is gonna be amazing I wake up and look up and I gotta tell the production person Let's yo we gotta back this stuff up. Like I miss did she do black widow stuff? Did she fight people and whatnot? It's just feels like a wasted opportunity like black widow has been trained from birth to be an assassin And you're telling me that she you're just gonna have her stand there in this movie You're not gonna have her do no kicks.
No punches. No shooting No twisting around and shocking people with nunchucks and stuff.
Have you ever seen a painting of Jackie Chan? Have you're seeing a painting of Bruce Lee?
You can't see if you can't watch a painting of that shit and sorry It's boring plot hole identified wasted potential the fifth biggest mistake in asteroid city Is that there is no action and it's and that made me fall asleep and the problem to be falling asleep is that I have Yeah, there's car chases in this movie, but they're lame as hell It's just people driving back and forth shooting at each other and it's happened three times. It's never explained Can we get more of that, please? I fall asleep again. I'm like does not Ah People wake me up there. Whoa. Hey, hey, what shut the fuck up? You know, this is a library movie Shh, there's a library movie. You gotta be quiet in here You can't scream and yell and like other fast and furious movies and stuff like shh and I'm like it's not my fault Bad things happen to me.
Like I got abducted by aliens. I've never I sleep. I started having nightmares And it's so scary if you go to Buffalo wings or Olive Garden or someplace like that Like you could be abducted outside of there by aliens and they could beat the shit out of you So yeah, I've been through some f-ed up stuff and it's hard for me to sleep going into this movie I didn't know is gonna be a library movie.
Shh. Don't say anything in the movie. Don't talk. Don't get excited Whatever.
I didn't know it's gonna be boring as freaking crap I would have not came this is a good movie for if you're trying to get sleepy and put it on and go to sleep For the whole time and take a good nap. This is the perfect movie for you. Probably the best I've ever slept I was falling asleep for long stretches of times cuz I was like real bored. You know what actually I can put on this movie at my house and that's good for me cuz now I can actually sleep sometimes Asteroid cities coming off the skewers tick hot and I'm giving it five stars. My name is Steven Spielberg My name is Steven Spielberg and this has been another episode of cinema stakes the show we take Hollywood's hottest films and we burn to the ground Tune in next time for another episode until then. I'm gonna get real sleepy and watch this movie again |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Australia_Launches_Injunction_To_Stop_European_Winemakers_From_Using_Passion_Pop_ | Hello and welcome to the Betuda Advocate weekly bulletin, I'm Effie Bateman here today with Wendell Hussey who's had his tiring first week back after his two and a half month stint. How you doing? It's been so draining, Effie Bateman yes, back on the tools for a week, a whole long week after as you mentioned there a couple of months off, yeah it's taken its toll, I'm ready for a chilled beverage or two, it's been nice, obviously it's been a bit of going on with me, the Contiki Tour, the Areola situation, post-Contiki Tour, still quite sore, I believe you guys have discussed quite thoroughly the ins and outs, the shrinking and the growing of my Areolas but I think hopefully we're on the straight and narrow now, they are obviously a little bit sore and they rub a bit, yeah that's why you put the balm on them, yeah I'm balming and creaming and they're soothing and softening and I think moving forward we should be all sweet and I'm hoping I never have to hear someone sledge me about my salami slices ever again, yeah, that's just what I'm hoping for, you know what I mean, in a day and an age of body positivity, I've had enough of being called the kid with salami slices so, well you went and did something about it, it's all behind me I'm hoping Effie Bateman, how are you travelling? I'm pretty good, yep, how have the weeks been? Well I get to cruise a bit more now which is nice that you're back, that I'm back, yeah yeah, for sure, it's Melbourne Cup next week, are you a punter, are you going to get on the gear?
No, not me, I've used the Betstop, the federal government's gambling initiative where you can just ban yourself for a lifetime and they shut everything down so, is that actually a thing? Yeah that's the thing, 10,000 people have signed up to it, you can just sign up, and then you're not allowed to use anything? They're not allowed to contact you, they're not allowed to allow you to place a bet, they have to shut everything down, give you all your money and just shut things down, obviously you know you can still go put a cash bet on if you want or whatever, can you do the pokies?
Oh yeah yeah, pokies are, there's no way the government will be going near the pokies for a little while yet, given what happened in New South Wales state election, but yeah that is the start of silly season so it's not looking good for me, and sitting into an office chair for the next few months, I guess we won't be sitting in it that much, anyway, bit of dribble to start the podcast, what's the biggest story of the week? Well kicking off in Australia launches an injunction to stop European winemakers from using passion pop name, unless it's from passion pop region of the seni coast. And it's about damn time I reckon Effie Bateman, look winemakers from the continent of Europe have been finally dealt a return serve with Australian lawmakers launching a lawsuit against them, this comes in the wake of the snobby Europeans carrying on about their feta and their prosecco and their champagne, and we've hit back saying look if you want to play like that we're going to prevent your primary producers in Europe labelling their wine as passion pop. Yes the move is the latest in the long running feud between Australia and the European Union with a five year long negotiation with our third largest trade partner at risk of collapsing due to ongoing disagreements. Yeah and passion pop is one of the most popular Australian exports, it's produced in Griffith and made famous by places like the central coast, it's a glorious drop of sparkling wine, I'm sure you have tried it at home and it's particularly popular with teenagers and university students. Human schoolies is coming up very soon. Yes massively popular and we spoke to one of the diplomats working on the project to ensure that European winemakers aren't stealing our intellectual property and he said mate they can keep their fucking prosecco and champagne, we'll take passion pop and fruitylexia, thank you very much. Now that we've kind of settled things down with China, our largest trade partner, good to see we're kicking them off with our third largest trade partner, let's see what the fallout effects are from that.
Next up and we've got some entertainment news as the nation patiently waits for documentary about the world's actual greatest pop culture power couple. Yeah TV and sports fans in Australia have this week issued a plea to all major streaming services. In the wake of the huge reception to the Beckham documentary they've been growing calls for a series about the actual greatest power couple the world has ever seen. Becks and Posh is great but now it's time to make Becks and Lele. That's what one local TV consumer explained to us, he said they were the power couple of the early 2000s and it's time that they got their show. Yes and for those who are still enjoying the perks of free to air television, Beckham is a new documentary about the football mega star David Beckham and pop superstar Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice and of course our Becks and Lele are referring to Leighton Hewitt and Bec Cartwright. Well Bec Hewitt I guess but Nick Cartwright yes and it's still unknown if anyone has managed to secure the rights to that doco but it's believed various movers and shakers are frantically working behind the scenes to make it happen.
Exciting times there. And moving along to some international news and it's been revealed that the United States of America is getting that familiar urge to leave another country with the average age of 15 and not a library in sight. Yes in an exclusive interview with the Batooda advocate US President Joe Biden has confided that he's really getting a sting on right now. Breathing heavily into the microphone and biting his lower lip, Joe Biden said, God look what's going on over in the Middle East. I'd love to get down there and be sending a few drone strikes into some civil institutions, referring to what they've done in the Middle East of the past there of course. Biden's comments come as the Palestinian situation continues to worsen with the Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu making very good on his promise to reshape the Middle East as if his country hasn't been doing that for the last seven decades already. While the shocking loss of life has devastated the region and the globe it's believed weapons manufacturers are licking their lips with glee at the latest flare-up and that usually means the United States government starts licking their lips with glee given the relationship between lobbyists and arms manufacturers and the government. As Biden explained to us it's been too long since we've had some boots on the ground really getting that urge to see some manufactured photos of US troops playing with kids who've just lost their parents in a war-torn town that has no running water and fuck all buildings left standing because we needed to maintain the military industrial complex.
God bless America. All right well we're going to finish with some more light-hearted news now. That's a good idea F.B. Bateman on a Friday afternoon as we record this.
As a chubby baby sits up in pram to survey her world like a gluttonous ancient warlord. Well keeping with the warlord theme I guess. Batuda Nanas and People Watchers have got an eye full of demonic cheruby goodness this week as a local chubba bubba looks out from their pram and surveys the world around them like a gluttonous ancient warlord. Certified chubby bubby Belle de Bourgh one of Batuda Heights was seen looking out from her pram with malevolent contempt seeing the adults of her kind as foes she has not yet slain and the world as land she has yet to conquer. Yes as one old lady said after pinching one of de Bourgh's squeezable little cheeks completely unaware of the baby's deep gaze she said oh she's been here before what an old soul uh yeah ancient warlord behavior from that adorable little baby Belle. She is very very cute and she's racking up the likes for her young mum so good on it.
By the way you've got a little bit of a nipple leak happening on the left. Oh the band-aids come off. All right well that's I gotta go um thanks very much for pointing that out. And look I appreciate you just saying that kindly rather than making fun of me like thanks for that and look to you listening have a great weekend. See you later. |
SaturdayNightLive | luvahs_with_katie_holmes_saturday_night_live | Can I interest anyone in some of Lassa's raisin squares? No, thanks. no, thanks. thanks so much, professor. I'm really excited to be your research assistant.
Well, you're going to love this town. the college brings in a lot of entertaining events. last year we saw Marshall Crenshaw in concert. yeah. and they just opened up a Benetton. Yes. it's a pretty hip town. would you like to try some more brandy? Ooh. no one knows brandy like my lover. Ah, good food, fine spirits, new friends. what more could you want? a lover?
Boy, it's been a really tough winter. I wonder when it's going to end. Oh, I hope it never ends.
Yes. falling snow, the crisp air, your lover's embrace. Sometimes during the night I become scared and cry out for my lover's touch. and I become soothed by the hot breath of my lover's whisper.
Do you guys have any big plans for the weekend? Oh, I think I know what we're doing this weekend. every Sunday morning we wake up extra early before first light.
Yes. we sit on the staircase, quiet as mice, and then break the silence with the screams of our lovemaking. And then we collapse, cover ourselves with woolen shoals, and fill our bellies with ham. Sunday mornings on top of my lover. Mmm. as evening falls, we still hunger for our lover's touch. And we make love. right there in that chair you're sitting in, Gail. my lover then lights an evening pipe in satisfaction, his body glistening from eating close to two pounds of ham.
Please, we've been rude hosts. who else wants to talk about their lover? Well, once when I was, you know, holed up working in the library, Mark came and surprised me by serenading the outside of the window. see, I knew that she was. I have a story. One day, I whisked my lover away to a room at the prestigious Wellesley Arms Hotel, bringing along some of my favorite erotic Persian lithographs. I don't like where this is going already. for three glorious days, a hand fed my lover plump strawberries and smokes duck meat. she purred and giggled under the weight of my thrusting body, her mouth agape with a mixture of pleasure, longing and duck meat. Okay, um, you know, I think we both need to. yeah. we have to get up early in the morning. Oh, the lovers! going home to do what lovers do.
No, see, Mark is my husband. I don't call him lover.
Ooh, maybe you should try it.
Good, good, good. Good, that's it.
Now say it one more time. Believe it.
Lover.
Good. now, now, what do you want to do? Oh. mmm. mmm. Ah. yes, I want to strip my lover naked. Yes. you throw him down on the loamy earth, mount his wet body, and slowly grind him into the ground with the thrusts of our love-making.
Let's go, let's go. Thanks a lot. Well. well. we've helped two more lovers find their way.
Ah. ow. my back. What? My back. What? My back. Lover, what are you doing? are you deaf? My back! Get the Hell Off me! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_james_austin_johnson_and_heidi_gardner_snl | This week, President Biden made a historic visit to Ukraine and met with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Volensky, where they greeted each other like two action figures having sex. Then, on the one-year anniversary of the War in Ukraine, both Biden and Volodymyr Putin gave speeches about the conflict. there was a language barrier, but the subtitles helped me figure out what Biden was saying. many Republicans are criticizing President Biden's decision to go to the Ukraine instead of going to Ohio to deal with the toxic train derailment, but Biden said he was just waiting to shoot the train down until it was over the ocean. President Biden is being praised for his surprise visit to Ukraine by taking a 10-hour train ride from Poland. you know who else takes a long-ass train ride through an active war zone? Every New Yorker. China is trying to help end the war in Ukraine and proposed a 12-part plan for peace. the catch is, the 12 parts have to be assembled by children. Donald Trump visited East Palestine, the site of the recent train derailment, because Trump usually likes to try to make himself look better by standing next to a train wreck. the train that was derailed was carrying highly toxic vinyl chloride, which I think is something Trump recommended as a cure for Covid. Then, while visiting the disaster site, Trump also gave out bottles of Trump-branded water, said residents thanks, but we'd rather drink the toxic train water. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg visited the site of the train derailment and was criticized for wearing leather dress boots, But give him a break. that's all he had at Baby Gap.
Tucker Carlson, seen here at a Whites-only rave, has been granted access to over 40,000 hours of security footage from the January 6th Attack on the Capitol. who could watch all that with going insane, said psychiatrists about Tucker Carlson's show. Georgia representative and cocaine bear Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted, the country needs a national divorce, which makes sense because she is the most divorce-looking woman I have ever seen. Florida Governor Ron Desantis is releasing a new memoir called The Courage To Be Free, even though The Courage To Be Free sounds like a black history book he's banned.
It was announced that the producers of this year's Academy Awards have set up a crisis team to deal with any incidents similar to last year's Will Smith slap. Guys, it's not going to happen again. I'm sure you wish it would for ratings. if anything, the promos for the Oscars should be, who's going to get slapped this year? Can Anna De Armas beat the tar out of Cate Blanchett? which banshee will knock the shoes off?
Marcel the Shell? And who has what it takes to wail on Brendan Freeman? the Nba season has passed the halfway point and Lebron James and L.a. Lakers are struggling. here with some perspective is Nba analyst and Hall of famer Bill Walton. Today, nightlife, perhaps the premier comedy show in the history of Western civilization, Michael Che, the Wizard of Weekend Update, roared of the Lower East Side. throw it down, Big Fella. Sure, man. so you're an Nba analyst. you also have your own show on Nba Tv. and you're also overall a little weird.
And I was just backstage at Woody Harrelson's dressing room. the second half of the show is going to be bananas. right, so today the Lakers are 13th in the Western Conference. Do you think they'll make the playoffs? Michael, the Lakers have a chemistry that would make Avadeo Avogadro's beakers boil with envy. Lebron, Anthony Davis and the newbie D'angelo Russell. their on-the-court artistry moves me to tears. Oh, Anthony Davis for three, great shot. great shot.
Are you calling a basketball game right now? I'm not calling it right now, Invite my spirit guy to headless Babylonian priestess. send me flashes of what is, what was and what shall be. So I'm calling a game that takes place next Wednesday.
Oh, D'lo with the layup and the lead is cut to six. All right, so you must know the future. I'll ask again, are the Lakers going to make the playoffs? A long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away, God herself birthed the tectonic marvel we call Los Angeles, Jay. out of bounds, Lakers ball, the refs are going to take a look at this one. Yes, what we now call paradise started as a megaphone of boneyard, but its spirit has carried on just like the Grateful Dead carried on when they brought in the noodler of Nations, John Mayer, a poet whose only colleagues are the planets themselves. Big Dunk from Lebron, throw it down.
God, I wish you could see this, Michael. Well, I can't.
So tell me, are the Lakers going to make the playoffs, yes or no? Yes, the Lakers can make the playoffs if they can.
Answer one simple question. is there an afterlife? And what scientific basis is there for the persistence of the soul after death?
Oh, Fallon Davis, that's his fourth. Oh, for unity with the stars, our place in the massive firmament to be cradled in our creator's magnificent bosom and have her whisper the immortal words of Jabba the Hutt, Chisapi, Kawanki, Chewbacca. Bill Walton, everybody. Grifrey Hutter Lakers in five. the publisher, Roald Dahl's Books announced that they're altering some of his insensitive language like the words fat and Ugly as well as modernizing his portrayal of women, which will mostly affect Dahl's beloved children's classic, the Fat Ugly Wife who knew her place. it was announced that Brittany Griner has signed with the Phoenix Mercury for one year. unfortunately, the Wnba pays less than a Russian prison. a four-foot-long alligator was discovered in Brooklyn's Prospect Park, so you can probably take down all those missing dog posters. Yeah. this week, both Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly were given additional prison sentences on top of the ones they are already serving, which brings us to Michael Che's new segment. It's amazing they're guilty of loving too much, right? a player's got to play, am I right?
Ladies, no! this has been what did they even do wrong? You made some good points, Michael. a new report shows that New Jersey has the second worst roads in the country, while the worst roads are the ones that go into New Jersey. experts have debunked claims that an unwanted pregnancy can be terminated with high doses of Vitamin C. Well, that's the last time I asked a woman to stay over for breakfast, Colin. the Nba's slam dunk concept. was won by Mac Mcclung, a 6'2 white man who has only appeared in two Nba games, which is just a terrible way to end Black History Month. the National Brotherhood of Skiers is pushing for greater representation of black people in winter sports, which are predominantly white. huh, So it seems like someone's a little jealous that we took their precious dunk up to us. Monday is National Polar Bear Day, previously known as National Polar Bears Day. I love this audience so much. it's going great for me. a woman at Art Fair in Miami accidentally shattered a Jeff Koons sculpture worth more than $40,000. Well, I guess it's like you always say, Colin. Koons ain't safe in Florida. you're gonna get me killed. a new study shows that the covid baby bump is over as fewer Americans are choosing to have kids. here to comment on the joys of motherhood is Gina Bianchi, a woman with four daughters and one son.
Oh, you boys look so nice. Oh, thank you, Gina. so you're a mom of five. tell us about motherhood. Oh, my God, I love it. I mean, so I've got my four daughters and, you know, my daughters, they're fine. Oh, my son. Oh, my God, I love my son.
Oh, oh, okay, so he came over last Sunday. he was hungover. I mean, he's always hungover. what was he doing? Oh, oh, oh, he's in my fridge, okay? he's pulling out ham, turkey, the mayonnaise. he's filling up a cooler. he leaves. doesn't say bye.
I'm cracking up. And my daughters, they say, you can't take Ma's food. that's Ma's food. I say, who cares? Girls, shut up. Anthony's 38 years old. he's a growing boy. Oh, my daughter's so annoying.
But my son, oh, I love my son. right, yeah, I got it. So what would you tell someone that's, like, you know, on the fence about having kids? they surprise you every day. like yesterday? my son.
Okay, he came over. Oh, and what was he doing? Oh, oh, he was going through my wallet. Okay, the kid. the kid is pulling out 20, 40, $60 bills. he writes himself a check for 14 grand for my checkbook, Okay? what's he writing the memo? putting up with Ma?
I'm dying over here. I'm dying over here. my daughters say, that's Ma's money. you can't take Ma's money. I'm like, girls, please, you're not pretty enough to be this irritating.
But my son, oh, my God, I love my son. yeah, no, no, we've heard a lot about your son. Well, why don't you tell me about your daughters? they're doctors. But my son, But my son, He did this hilarious prank last night where he pretended to rob me at gunpoint. Oh, no, that's terrible. my daughters say, you can't do that. my daughters, ugh, they brought me a house. But my son, I mean, I would if I could. Okay, all right. I was. Yeah. getting back to the topic of parenthood, Do you think that your kids are going to have kids someday? Oh, please, there's not a woman out there good enough for my son.
Okay, so Anthony's single? No, he's been married for two years. and I just have this feeling, okay, that she has given him nothing in bed. Okay. like she completely ignores his balls. Okay. what? why are you thinking about that? Oh, okay, and I bet she's obsessed with having an orgasm. like, no, honey, that's not how it works. when he's done, you're done.
Gina Bianchi, everyone. thank you. thank you. I'm Michael T. Goodnight. |
dropout | hardly_working_milk | How funny would it be if I just fell asleep right now? Not very.
I told you, hand him over. Alright guys, I've got a meeting with the boss. Wish me luck. Oh, David, you got a little- Ow! Ow! Good luck, man. Thanks.
What the hell was that, man? He had a milk mustache. We should have told him. And embarrass him?
I don't think so. He doesn't deserve that. Especially not before a big meeting with the boss. I'm sure he's gonna go to the bathroom before his meeting, okay? It's not a big deal. No, it's just not funny.
Two for two. Shoo me. See, taken. I love Philadelphia. Oh, hey. Boy, cat got your tongue fat? Nah, I'm just messing. But seriously, I do have a meeting with the boss's boss in five, and I am Nervioso. You know what? I don't even have time to sit, so wish me luck. No, no, David, listen. You have some serious- Good luck, man. Thanks, Pat. That means a lot. That's funny! Oh, come on! Hey, guys. Oh! Mama! I know.
I can't believe I was let go either. I don't know what I did wrong.
You have a milk face. He has a milk face. It's true, okay? What started as a little milk mustache two days ago is curdling to an entire milk face.
There. I said it.
Don't listen to this, Pat. What? How come no one told me? Did I get it?
Yes. Well, then, this has just been one big misunderstanding. I'm going to go get my job back. David, wait. Go get it, man. So, it turns out I was fired because of my narcolepsy. That makes sense. Oh, my God! Every time. |
dropout | hardly_working_trying_water | So, what did you wind up doing with all those tickets? I don't know, like bribes mostly, you know, cover my tracks.
Uh, I'm gonna grab a water, you want one? Uh, no, I'm okay. Wait, what'd you say you were getting? Water? You mean like, that stuff from the pool? Yes. You drink that stuff? You don't?
I don't know, is it like an Indian food thing? Cause that food gives me the shits. It's like an everything in the world thing, it's water. Sounds like it's gonna give me the shits.
How do you not drink water? What do you do when you're thirsty? I don't know, sorry if I'm not following whatever the ridiculous health food trend is this week. Jeff, everyone on the planet drinks water.
Watch. Oh my god, is everyone alright? Hey, Josh, Josh, how's it going? Uh, good question.
Do you ever enjoy and consume water? I thought that's just where octopi shit. Ugh, you two?
What's in that pink bottle you always carry around? This is my lucky bottle, I would never put anything in this.
You guys should try water, it's great. What is the big deal, what does it even taste like? It doesn't taste like anything. Sounds amazing.
It just seems that statistically some water should, I don't know, gotten in your mouth or something when it was raining. Uh, that's not water, that's rain.
They're the same thing. That doesn't make any sense, Pat.
Okay, look, just try water for me, okay? I'll get you two glasses and if you don't like it, I'll take your bathroom cleaning shifts for a week. This guy probably just wants to clean the toilet so he can drink more of his precious water. I wouldn't drink toilet water, wouldn't drink toilet water. Just try it, alright? Fine, but when I do, you'll be cleaning toilets for a week.
Fine.
This is a fine water, the kind all the movie stars drink. Shia LaBeouf?
Yep. Alright, I'm in. Let's see what this is about. You know what, that's not half bad. It's kinda like orange juice but less fruity. I don't love it, but I can see it being one of those acquired tastes. What's in it anyway? Two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen.
Great, thanks Pat. Now I have to take a bath and we're out of soda. |
TheOnion | Anonymous_Hero_Donates_Hospital_200_Human_Kidneys | Billionaires like Warren Buffett and Bill Gates are known for their charitable contributions, but not all great givers crave the spotlight. Last night in Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, an anonymous individual gave an unprecedented donation of 200 human kidneys. The secret benefactor delivered his gift a few minutes before 4 a.m. this morning, as seen here in the security camera footage. It's an amazing gift. The kidneys are so fresh, they clearly must have been removed within the last 24 hours. The philanthropist sought no fanfare and left without requesting so much as a thank you. Whoever did this is obviously very skilled with a knife and it looked to me like they've done this before, maybe hundreds, thousands of times. We are just incredibly grateful. The hospital's medical technicians have been working overtime to sort through the massive donation. They left a note in the bag that indicated they might be making more additional donations in the future. We're just really touched and we hope this really inspires others to be as generous. We are especially in need of hearts, lungs and brains. It's sure nice to report on a positive story for a change.
All right, three people are dead after a grenade eating contest goes awry. |
cracked | is_house_party_2_better_than_the_original_house_party_danielle_investigates_ | This is literally just because it's one of my favorite movies ever.
House Party Jims. Yeah! House Party Jims.
The pajama jam. A little pajama jammy jam ends at our comedy.
House Party, it's really fun because it's- It's a film by Doug and George. That is true. It's got a young Martin. It's got Queen Latifah.
Mostly I just really liked this one because the year that I saw it, I was young and it was about the college experience. And back then it felt like half of black media was about the college experience.
So it was funny. It hit all the four quadrants. It's eminently quotable.
Mostly I just, I picked it because again, I rarely see it streaming anywhere. I very rarely ever see it when it's not just being played on TV at like three in the morning.
Everybody know about this part for the three of you. I know grandma, what up with that? It ends at our comedy. House Party, it's really fun because it's- It's a film by Doug and George. That is true.
It's got a young Martin. It's got Queen Latifah.
Mostly I just really liked this one because the year that I saw it, I was young and it was about the college experience. And back then it felt like half of black media was about the college experience.
So, you know, it was funny. It hit all the four quadrants. It's eminently quotable.
Mostly I just, I picked it because again, I never, I rarely see it streaming anywhere. I very rarely ever see it when it's not just being played on TV at like three in the morning.
Everybody know about this part, but the three of you. I know grandma, what up with that? |
cracked | lucky_number_slevin_review_ft_devin_byam_aka_500_days_of_snatch | Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club. But for movies, which you like books, but better.
I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm doing a I'm killing it. And I'm joined by my co-hosts, Jesse and Ally.
Say hello. Hi. Hello.
Killing it similarly, just setting them up, knocking them down. Oh, my God. I feel I feel lit today as the kids say.
And oh, my God, we have got the face of Flouvana County, according to something that I already forgot the name of in Virginia. Flouvana County is a real thing.
Jesse didn't think it was real because Jesse has never read a book. Oh, Jesse's never read a map of, you know, no culture at all.
Devin Byam. Say hello, Devin. Hey, everybody.
Devin and I have been friends since we were six. And we, you know, we room together all four years of college. He lives right down the road now. All of our children are betrothed to each other.
No, but that's how to do that. Loyal. Yeah, right. That's how to carry.
Bloodlines are tied for generations. It's very exciting. And actually, much like that season of Fargo, you're going to give one kid to Jesse and vice versa. And then that way, your families never betray each other because you have a you have a kid from each family.
Yeah. Oh, great season of Fargo, by the way. We're not talking about that today.
But, you know, but it is a good movie and a good show. Great show. One of my favorite.
A common thing. Speaking of movies. Yes, transition here. That was really good. You're already getting the hang of it. Thank you. Yeah, we're going to transition because Devon is a licensed counselor therapist. I think that's interchangeable. But it's casuals. Yes. Yeah, right.
Oh, you're a therapist named three things that are wrong with me. Oh, OK, we're going to start with just things I see. Not Ali, not Ali, plain white room.
That's fucked up. That's weird.
Why is it plain white? Where are you? It's literally a serial killer. It's a new it's a new apartment. That's why it's plain. Oh, that's right. You just moved. How sorry, sorry to walk back my jokes so fast. How is it? It's fine. It's it much like Jesse. It's plain. It's white. And it's empty inside.
Why is the ceiling so low? Why can you touch it? So much lower than my old one is like a vaulted ceiling. I couldn't jump and touch it. This one is you're sitting and you can touch the ceiling.
Oh, no, no, I'm standing. Do you not?
It was like the becoming John Malkovich or whatever. You're on like the half floor or whatever. Yeah, I found a door that enters me luckily into Devon's brain. So I can pilot Devon. We're going to turn him into the best puppeteer the world has ever seen. But speaking of movies, that's my segue that I just came up with.
Let's talk about Lucky Number Slevin, because that's a movie that I believe Brian has misspelled. I'm not actually.
Yeah. Yeah, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian's fired. But that's fine. We'll find somebody else. People are just I get applications all the time trying to run this podcast. It appears you can keep your job tractor. You can you can keep your job if you Brady, bunch yourself in here with a little oops, I'm sorry face. Yeah. And I a stinker. That's good. That's exactly what I wanted. And he's back. Oh, sorry. I fired Brian too quickly.
It's Lucky Number Slevin. We do spoilers, especially for movies that are like 15 years old. So here it comes, because some of these nerds couldn't keep up with all the twists. So I'm going to I'm going to give the twist as I saw them. And then Devon is going to explain why we watch it.
So in the year 1979, I want to say there's a there's a young boy whose daddy bids on a bids bets on a horse because he heard from a guy, from a guy, from a guy, from a guy that they juice the horse up with drugs or something. So he's a sure bet that went. He's a sure thing.
Otherwise, he would never do it. He's not a gambler. It's not crazy.
But inevitably, the horse dies or like on the track or something. And that's what happens when you get too juiced up with drugs, kids. It's true. This is dying in a little race. Yeah. Do a moderate amount of drugs.
And then the the dad gets killed because he can't pay his debts. And there's like a new gang in town. That's like, we're not going to take any any shit from nobody. Nobody can take bad deals anymore.
They kill him. They kill the kid. They kill the mom.
Flash forward.
You know, the horse. They kill the horse. They beat the shit out of the horse or something.
Yeah, right. Society actually kill that horse with our pressures and expectations. Yeah. It. Yeah. And also is glue now. And so fast forward 20 years or whatever.
There's this guy finds his girlfriend cheating. He loses his job.
So he goes to crack with his buddy in New York named Nick. But Nick's not there. And yet to rival gang, both need things from Nick, unfortunately.
And, you know, polarity ensues cases of mistaken identity. The cops talk to him. There's there's a hottie across the hall that he bonds with. And here's what happens. Turns out that the kid is now the grown up Josh Hartnett.
He is getting revenge because there was a time where these two rival gangs, one is the is Morgan Freeman helmed and the other has been Kingsley helms. Lots of A-list actors in this movie. They used to be buds and then Morgan Freeman was getting too popular and too cute. So Ben Kingsley shot him in the stomach seven times, but it didn't stick.
So now they're just like six times. So now they're literally across the street, locked away in their castles.
So Josh Hartnett working. And I realize now I'm about to try and explain all this. It's going to be very tricky. Josh Hartnett was not killed as a kid.
And the guy that would kill him is Bruce Willis, who's a world class assassin. And he adopts the little kid and trains him to be a world class assassin. And I guess as a favorite, his his adopted son decides to help him work out this crazy Kansas City shuffle. And so they they do a bunch of things and they do a bunch of stuff. And then he kills Morgan Freeman and Ben Kingsley together as the great, glorious revenge.
And they even heard that and it's fine. And as somebody pointed out here, you know, Bruce Willis was going to kill her because he didn't want to leave a trace, but then he notices and then it doesn't matter. And he says, how did you know that I tricked you? It's like a world class assassin fuckhead, which is a pretty great line. There's like a million things like the basic gist is that somebody kills Morgan Freeman's son. And so he hires Bruce Willis to come in and like. Like killed the other Ben Kingsley son. And Bruce Willis has this idea to use somebody on the books because they still have all these. And this guy, Nick, owes him a ton of money and then they just replaced that guy with Josh Hartnett, who's like, I'm not Nick, which.
OK, so here's a question, because I was I was texting Devon a little bit. Oh, we'll do this in a second.
Devon, why did we watch this movie? This crazy watch this movie? Because it is literally the greatest movie of all time. I've seen it 10,000 times, give or take a thousand. And it I think the thing I love about it the most is what you just highlighted so well, Jordan, which is if you try to explain the movie to any other human being, it sounds like absolute untrackable nonsense. But as you're watching it, even like it is very twisty and you got to watch it a couple of times to really let it soak in. But as you're watching it, it doesn't feel so ridiculous. But I do agree that Jordan Mack and you see it and you're like, what did I watch?
Like, what happened? How do you even digest this?
So that's it. I agree that Jordan did a great job of explaining it terribly. I got it. I will say like that is what I thought happened was like a little self-conscious that I was going to say something. And you guys were all going to go, when did that happen? And we go, oh, I thought that. But then hearing you summarize it, I was like, OK, cool. We're all on the same page.
We saw the same movie. Yeah, it is very twisty. Like for, you know, not like a not in the modern day way of like they tell you a twist and you should have seen it coming, which is one of my biggest pet peeves of all time that like a lot of movies right now do where they'll like give you the world's shittiest clue in the first two minutes of the movie when you're still like adjusting your popcorn in your lap. And then later be like, don't you see? You should have known it was that guy.
And it's like, I didn't. You didn't write a very good mystery.
So the twist isn't just something you say. They did do that, though. Yeah, but like it's like they showed the watch. They showed the shotgun. I'm actually saying that they do a really OK. They don't do that thing where they say one thing one time once ever and then like pretend you're supposed to guess it by the end. And like, I think that they like indulge in the twistiness of it and are sort of like, it's cool if we're not trying to get you to guess it. We're trying to surprise you. And then we'll show you we did our homework by showing you flashing back.
Oh, the watch. Oh, this. Oh, the whatever.
And so I like that. I like I'm a big like I love like mystery stuff and like escape rooms. And like my dream is to be a little boy detective who solves murders on a train. Do you know what I'm saying? Like in another life. And so like, yeah, yeah. I just like I really hate a piece of media tells me I should have been able to solve a mystery that is totally unsolvable by an outside audience. Like that just makes me great. So, yeah, and that's fair.
So I have a couple of quick questions that I want. Devin, our resident lucky numbers, love an expert to to help me with. So there's there's kind of two things. The first thing I was saying was I was trying to figure out exactly why Bruce Willis, the world class assassin, was willing to do all this. And I think the answer is just it's his adopted son and whatever, whatever. But the thing that I there are a couple of things I got hung up on, which is why is Josh Hartnett?
Why is he constantly saying that he's not Nick? What is the what is he gaining from that? Because the thing that we learn is that neither of these gangsters know who the hell Nick is. He's just another name that happens to have gambled with both of them, which is why they choose this guy, Nick, because he owes both of these people money. So when Bruce Willis is like, hey, I think you should use Nick for this thing. They're like, well, yeah, he does owe us money. I guess that makes sense. But what is he standing in by saying, like, you got the wrong guy? Yeah, like what is he what is he gaining by constantly?
Like, I'm trying to figure out if it's like it forts the cops somehow. I the way that I receive it is that he is going for maximum amount of like making them suffer and then playing on their hubris, because like he's literally going in there and being like, you have the wrong guy and you spent five seconds trying to figure it out, then this whole thing can be averted. And it's like he I think he's just really playing into the fact that like they're going to do exactly what he expects them to do. Like, I think there is a component of it where he's just playing a game with them and like he's ultimately trying to kill them. Like, like we talked about this. He could he could have just rolled in there and shot everybody. He apparently is like the most amazing assassin ever. And he kind of does, right? That was the part that I was confused. I was like, he's like, I tricked you all. And then it's just like bodies of dudes lying in the elevator. I'm like, well, you could have you done that massacre people at any point.
And then you don't get to monologue. Yeah. Well, and also like they love a good monologue. Everybody loves a good monologue, but also like the scene where, you know, Morgan Freeman rightly says, what the hell?
I hired you to to make it look like an accident. And then you just blew up the guy's apartment.
And he's like, yep. And you're like, oh, yeah, I guess I did. I get the sense that like there is a little bit of a thing of like.
If he was just like, yeah, you got me, I'm Nick, but I swear I'll get you your money back. It kind of puts him at a position of like they're already sort of antagonists where if he's like, no, no, no, I'm not Nick. And I'll do anything to prove to you that you shouldn't kill me because whatever, then they can sort of like pretend they as the the thought who they think is a manipulator can be like, oh, here's a guy who got caught up in too much business. I'll tell I'll tell him I'll spare his life. I'll make his life easier if he goes and does all this junk for me.
Do you know what I'm saying? I got a theory. Yes, and I think that's solid. I also think Lucy Liu busts in and he has to come up with something right there. He already planned to like I got beat up and I got all my ID stolen because he was going to have to do that anyway, right? Right.
He still can't have ID that says I'm Nick because he's not Nick. So maybe Lucy Liu busts in with when he's got his dick out and he immediately is like my name. Now he does to Devin's point, the name that he gives is very like if you knew if you knew your own shitty past, you would recognize that Slevin is a horse and you killed my dad and all this stuff. But I wonder if it's a little bit of like a it's a cover story that's sort of just built in that moment because Lucy Liu busts in asking for sugar and it's like you're not Nick. And he's like, of course, I'm not Nick.
Right. Why would I be stuck here? Yeah, I'm here because and even still, it works with the cover story with cops and stuff like that. It's helpful to obfuscate in some sense. It's just initially it feels like an extra step. That is cool, but unclear reasoning.
And she is a coroner. Yes, she works in a morgue.
I have never seen a person with a weirder hours. It only works whenever she feels like it.
The bodies come and they go. I mean, I don't know that people die. You think you're just go home. They're just like, hey, we're out of bodies today.
So if you want to go home early and she's like, oh, tight. Thanks. It's one thirty. I'm going to be really good at what she does. And she just owns the place. We'll call you Lucy. Head in, head out.
She's like, are you sure I could do some admin work? And they're like, no, no, no, not you. You're the best in the biz. We'll have somebody wave under your pay grade. Do the admin work.
You should just go home and chill for the next body. It's like, yeah, go solve some crimes or whatever. Yeah, I'm going to go home and make some. Just get out of here.
Hope I have sugar at home when I get there, because I really want to bake today. And a cup. It's very it's very important. I have to monologue about whether or not I have a cup already or not. It's like if I had a cup, I wouldn't ask for a cup of sugar. I just asked for some sugar. Yeah. And then I pictured her putting out her hands like this and just taking the taking the sugar back to her apartment.
As far as like all their quips and like little like pedantic little little back and forths go, I feel like they're all Dick Tracy characters. Yeah, almost every line could be followed by see. Yeah, the movie is that like, even like with the wallpaper, it's just like they fast forward to the future, but like everything still feels like it's pretty locked into the 70s. Like, yeah, it's very like the it's very snippy, snappy dialogue. It's very fun with and like quick moving with it's like camera angles and things like that, like there's a lot of like, you know, we'll go behind the wall and scooch up or like there's like a moment where like the boss, the mob boss is looking out the window and it like follows his gaze out the window and turns around the street. And then it's, oh, my God, it's the rabbis across the street. Like it's all these like fun camera reveals and things. I was going to save this for later because I wanted to talk about like the actual movie first, but I guess we're on it.
Has anybody ever watched Pushing Daisies? My mom always tells me to, but it is a great it is a really, really great TV show that was sort of a casualty of their writer strike and like kind of died and shouldn't have. And this kind of sad. The entire time I was watching this movie, I was like, this is kind of Pushing Daisies, which is also always a murder mystery.
There's always there's always a body. It has a sort of it has like a love interest at the center that is sort of unusually chaste for how bloody and obscene the rest of the world around it is. Like their back and forth is very like enthusiastic and childlike. And like there's obviously sexual tension, but like their back and forths are very like. There's something haze code about it.
Do you know what I mean? Like it's very just like we're we're in love with each other's minds and brains and we love to flirt, but like it's never more than I like touch your shoulder. Do you know what I mean?
Well, then they quite literally. I mean, they do have sex. I know, but like that's not like with three lines into the movie. Like, oh, sure, like there's like a real payoff. Like it really like at first, they're just kind of like flirting and they have like their little back and forth and everything feels sort of 70s inspired and I don't know. There was something about it that really reminded me of Pushing Daisies. And I was like, I wonder if anybody else felt that from this film?
Well, we'll throw it to the chat. We'll see. Anybody that's seen it.
I also I realized I'd written it. I'm sorry, I'm just hung up on this now, but the he says at one point, Josh Hartnett says the villain is most effective when you don't know what he looks like. That's also just kind of his his his vibe. He was talking about something else. But yeah, I agree. I you know, it's very much sort of a Quentin Tarantino meets shoot. I wrote it down somewhere and now I can't find it. But like this, the dialogue is so heightened as to be unbelievable in some sense. But I think what what is the saving grace of this movie is it does a really good job of still grounding. I know what Devon's alternate title is, but it's like there's a there is actually sort of a legitimate earned rom com in the middle of it somewhere where you actually are like, Oh, look at them. Yeah, I agree with that. You don't get that in most Tarantino movies.
You might get like a romance because it's his wife and he's saving his wife or whatever. But it's not like, oh, there's not like a meet cute in the middle. I'm saying there's there's an all quality that you are also sort of touching on that it's like they're yes, it starts with her literally seeing his naked penis and being like, wow, wow, we laugh. But like the flirting and the like back and forth that they have is not entirely driven by this like sexual. It doesn't the the undercurrent is quite like romcom kind of cute. Kind of kind of kind of take you to dinner. Do you mean like?
And then she has that whole thing. This is the only part of it in like where she's like, you know, it's like Colombo and Colombo always says there's three things you have to do and you whatever, whatever, and she says three things Colombo has never said in the history of Colombo. That was insane. I don't know. Now, I mean, if I don't understand how that happened, I don't know how this ended up in the script. She literally is like, it's like Colombo. Well, it would be like if she was like, you know how the Fonz always used to walk into a room and go, it's the Fonz and you'd be like, no, you didn't. You said a and it'd be like like it was it was that crazy. Like it's something he's never said, something like that's never been a part of that show she could have made up a fake detective that exists in this world and only this world and that's not Colombo and given that to be his catchphrase.
Sorry, now I'm on another tangent. But what I'm trying to say is they have a very intellectual back and forth and it's kind of cute, right? And so then, you know, when they eventually like to have, you know, the sexual release or whatever, it feels quite earned. But it also feels like you're like it feels romcom as opposed to I'm finally reunited with my dead wife who's not really dead. Yeah, yeah, right. I think that's a really good point, which is you can see all that rapid fire dialogue. Everybody feels like they're playing a bit of a part. And I think that's, you know, you can build that into the characters where it's like you're saying they're they're testing each other's wit instead of just being like, well, obviously, Josh Hartnett's looking good standing there in his bathrobe and Lucy Liu and her, you know, sleepwear or whatever.
But they're not. Yeah, they're not just like throwing each other against the wall immediately. They're kind of just playing.
Yeah, I always liked Lucy Liu for her brain, especially in 2006. This was when she was most right in the brain in 2006.
But she her her energy in this movie is quite infectious. Do you mean I? It's obviously she is gorgeous to look at. It's like, you know, it's silly not to say that. But well, thank God you did. She I don't know. There's just a quality about her in this movie that is not quite like other movies I've seen her in. And I thought it was delightful. And I thought she. Played that sort of film noirie, back and forth, quirky, quippy humor really well, I. And so did Josh Hartnett.
I actually wrote it was real. Well, I wrote down for him.
He sort of is a himfital, but he doesn't really use. He doesn't. He's not using her, really.
I mean, he kind of is. It is funny how he's sort of indulging her in the mystery. Like, yes, he knows everything and is like, wow, what do you think's happening? But it is funny. It's funny that at no point. I think that's what's interesting about it, right, is at any point he could have been like, I don't want to talk about this, you know, like go away, weird woman. I kind of got a job to do. But he is kind of like, well, she's cute. Like, let's just let's just keep it going. And I do think some of it comes back to his lack of fear or whatever. His he has, what do you call it, apraxia or something where he has a like a mental condition.
Is that real, Devin? Counselor? I don't think so.
But so you know that some people like the people who we call like adrenaline junkies. Oh, yeah. I mean, he definitely I think you could argue that he experienced a significant trauma that alters his like stress response in a pretty huge way. So you're saying he got a very used now. I didn't realize it was being brought on for this. You picked the movie, dude. I know. So this is you. You knew you set up the puzzle pieces.
Also, do you do you think he really has that? Or is that another little I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he did.
Like, I think that's one of the things that makes him really interesting is I do think that he legitimately doesn't feel like worry or concern through the whole movie, and I don't know if that's just he's cool as a cucumber. Like, he's just good at his job. But one of the things I did notice this time watching it, you know, and for you guys, you watch it 10,001 times, you'll see it is. You could actually see him like at no point in the movie is he like look like he's puzzling except for when he's talking to Lucy Liu. And so like she'll say things and he'll like break eye contact or like the scene where he's going into the fridge, it was like really intentional because she's putting things together, I think faster than he realized she would. And so you can see him actually like trying to come up with lies versus every other point in the movie. It's playing out exactly the way he thought it would. And then whenever she comes in and does stuff, you can tell like he actually gets surprised or like there's a point where he like looks borderline concerned because like when she talks about taking the picture, you can see a half second where he was like, oh, there's also that moment where she's like, as a coroner, I can work whatever hours I feel like.
So I decided to go downtown and guess who I saw leaving that building? Yeah. And there is just the slightest little moment of whoops, I need to redirect what my clever alibi will be. That's great, though.
That feels like maybe this is for another video sometime, but like in the Hollywood history, if you watch movies that are in the pre the early 40s, they are much more explicit and have a lot more that they are allowed to show on screen. And there was the Hays Code, which went into like basically the late 50s, early 60s, which said if the woman and a man are going to be shown on a bed, they have to be sitting and not laying down. And one of her legs has to be on the floor. It's like really, really specific stuff. That's how I like to have sex with you. That's how I like it about sitting. What is what excelled when they couldn't show action, explicit action was dialogue. They had to really sell that these people had a connection that felt organic and challenging and exciting. But since they couldn't do anything like sexual, it truly had to be like verbal sparring, which is why you go back and see these like My Girl Friday type films where women seem to be so much smarter in movies than than the now because people have gotten kind of lazy again. And now we can have both feet on the bed when we have sex.
I think it's because of fluoride in the water.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or chemtrails. Real. Yep. Yeah, yeah, I got one.
Oh, I think that's women ain't as smart as they used to be. Are you sure that wasn't for Jesse immediately about to go on a fluoride rant? I don't know. Let's throw to the judges. Was that for who was that for? Yeah, it was for the fluoride. Yeah, exactly.
It wasn't for Ali. Sorry. Try harder next time.
Yeah, sorry, you're fired. Brian, Brian, are you fired right here?
Yeah, I love fluoride. I love fluoride every day.
Yeah. Anyway, long story short, this movie had a fun little callback to while we were able to still get the like gratification of seeing them do it later for a very long time, it's just like a battle of the wits. And you are meant to like her because she is. Exciting and smart and mischievous and genial.
Do you mean I think I do think, you know, in contrast to Tarantino, there is a whole lot less swearing or like just obscene language in because there is kind of this rom-com sweetness in the middle of it, as opposed to, you know, pulp fiction. Everybody is is a lot rougher coming across. And that is, I think, part of the thing about Josh Hartnett. But like there is such a heightened fantasy, even to all the gangsters where he's like, you know, he's like, oh, I thought he was the boss. He's like, why do we look alike? And it's like, you know, it's such a weird joke. It's just like this Ben Kingsley's whole character is just I don't know. It's a little bit, I think like it's similar to what people were mad about when he turned out to be the Mandarin or whatever in Iron Man 3, where he's too silly. And I feel like Ben, Ben Kingsley here is very much like Josh Hartnett will say anything. He's like, oh, I've got some thoughts on that.
You know, there's no such thing as lucky people. There's only or unlucky people that they had to show that you're lucky because, you know, you don't know that you're lucky without unlucky people. When you're lucky, you don't know until the next day.
And he's like. Like, why are you doing this right now? Another person in a profession locked in a tower for a thousand years. And he's a little bit crazy.
Also, is he currently active rabbi or was he once a rabbi? Does he have to perform services? What's going on in Shabbat?
This guy seems to never go to work. I don't know, but he does. He is he's clearly like studying still. And he still observes the Sabbath. But he never he never goes downstairs and is like, OK, everybody.
I don't think you have to say night. I don't know.
Not all rabbis have to be teaching rabbis, do they? I mean, if you work at a synagogue, you probably perform services. I don't think he works at a service for a service.
Everyone in the group. And they're all like, hey, your son, the fairy.
And he's like, please don't call my son. That's kind of rude.
That's not going to age well. That's 2006. We're in trouble. That's the one line that I think the rest of it's whatever as far as, you know, the way that they approach a lot of that.
The idea that he's like, that's ironic that a criminal would have a gay son. You're like, it's ironic. You know, because criminals are tough. Yeah, they don't have gay sons.
How could that possibly happen? Yeah, isn't that just the wackiest thing you ever heard?
That that line is a little. I wonder when this was written. 1940. Yeah. Yeah, well, right. But I mean, it wasn't it wasn't written in 2005. You know what I mean? It probably got shopped around and stuff. But I feel like there was a time when people insisted that being gay was a fad. I feel like maybe it's a remnant from when this is written in like the early 90s.
They're like, oh, we already called them the fairy. We already had the explanation. We can't change it.
I feel like he wrote 4,000 clever lines and just punted one. He just was like, he's like, you know, I've said a lot of clever things.
I'm going to be honest, Jeff, I don't have anything. I'm kind of out. And he's like, it's fine. You know, we'll leave it, you know, hopefully nobody will notice. Well, I don't think I do know about. Oh, sorry. You know, I think it like all.
We've circled back to this place like five times. And it's I feel like it's the movie is like locked in 1970. Like, it's just like the like when we were talking about like how the dialogue was written, like the actual like how it looks, how it feels like so much of it just feels like it's like locked in that time period. But we're in 2000 or New Jersey. And it's like I think that's one of the things that I really like about it is it doesn't feel like a kind of modern movie. It feels so different. But then it is skinned in a way that you're like, oh, like this feels relevant. But I think that if you literally like have Robert Redford in that movie, I would he wouldn't feel out of place to me or like one of those like one of those older actors, I'd be like, yeah, like he fits because that's just how the movie is written. And that's just how it feels. And I almost like take the fairy line as part of that, where it's just kind of like so much of the movie feels like that's something they would have said in the 70s.
And the other part is how long have these dudes been locked in a tower? Yeah, but Josh Martin, it's the one that says that. Well, he says that. But why do they call him the fairy? And it's just like, well, so Devin, Devin has learned any new language for.
Devin's argument is that it was a different time and it was OK to say back then. I'm not saying it's OK. I'm just saying my grandpa would have said it.
And he's a nice guy, went to church. And he's been locked in a tower since the 70s. There's no way better.
Ironically, my grandfather is gay. The irony, you know, you want to hear what I call my grand father. So ironic that grandpas could be gay.
The only thing that I like really learned about the writing of this is that it was written by Jason Smilovic and maybe also has a co-writing credit with his girlfriend, or maybe I was misreading the sentence and the girlfriend just lived with them. Also, it was very hard to tell the sentence was badly structured. But this screenwriter lived with Josh Hartnett, who would always just walk around in a towel. And they were like, wow, wouldn't it be great if in the movie, Slavin walked around in a towel towel a lot? Hey, honey, I noticed you added a part here where our roommate drops his towel and you see his wiener. That's like, that is what I'm saying, because the reasoning behind it that they gave was that it lent him a sort of vulnerable quality.
OK, sure. Sure.
I walk around in a towel all the time. Yeah, to be to really show people how vulnerable I am. My towel could fall off at a new moment.
Like, I was like, I don't buy that. It is the lowest towel of all time. Yeah, it is really has a thing on it. 2006, it's high. It's low rise jeans and low rise towels. Wow.
There's there's some wild time. Wild time lawless.
There are some tummy tuffs that really could go either way. Pubic or otherwise, you know, it's it's really it's it's talk about the Hays code. I think Hays might have a problem with that much pubic hair in a film. You're going to have that much pubic hair.
You got to have one. If there are any kids, the Gen Z watching this, who want to bring back low rise jeans, I just need you to understand. There is nothing that can be worn with low rise jeans. Do you understand that? Crop tops. No, no, no. I mean, like undergar like, like you will always be in a lucky number 11 situation where you are afraid of something showing on either side.
You have to understand that. Learn that now. They have to learn to do what we all did through their own mistakes.
I mean, I have four years and I was assuming that Josh was tucking just in case, you know, for sure. I mean, it is ready for me. I don't know what they're what you do when you film for so long with just a towel and you're in the backseat of a car. I bet it was like things are going to happen, I think. It's like by the end of the day, half of the people in this room are going to have seen Josh Hartnett's penis.
And that's just that. And that is definitely something that that screenwriter did not want to have happen. It was merely to play a vulnerable quality of that. You cannot buy this script for me unless I get to see Josh Hartnett.
He's like, then the gangster puts him sits him back down really hard and he sits him back down even harder. Let's just keep taking this. Just push him to just push him down. Should somebody be sitting on the chair? Let's try this again. Let's have someone sitting in the chair when you push him down this time. Let's see what happens.
And if anybody sees his wiener, he has to say, thanks, but it's not as nice as my roommates. My roommates is bigger. Yeah, you should see the other guy.
Yeah, I did. I did like that there definitely was a moment just tying a couple of different things together where she comes back in and was like, I want to see if there was a second showing. And he's like, I go back on an eight that she doesn't ask him out right then. That would have been a lot more like forward and a lot more like, well, then let's date for the sex. But like they that's still just like a funny, goofy, flirty thing that she does. And then they don't even like go to dinner until two days later. Yeah, however it all works out. And so I thought that was really it's funny that it happened so early in them knowing each other.
And I appreciate that it still took another half the movie to pay off in any way. Anyway, I just I think a lot of reviews. So this is like a 51 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. So I think people are pretty split on it. And I and I think I think it does come down to whether you're willing to accept this kind of it's it's not a realistic.
It's not the godfather. We're not looking at crime, really.
It's just really good actors kind of chewing scenery all around each other and plot twists that if you look too hard might make your brain hurt. But you like the idea of like just the goofiest things. Like why is Bruce Willis writing like a dumb waiter to shoot that?
I love that shot. What a fun shot. Where was that? But it's a thing. The movie is just fun. Like it's fun. Close.
It doesn't hold up. I don't care. You're just like, I'm having fun. I really genuinely think movies are not fun enough in a lot of instances. And I say this on this podcast a lot.
A really prime example of this is one of my favorite movies. It's one of the funnest movies of all time, which is Pacific Rim. That is a movie that if you examine it for even half a second, not a single thing makes sense about it. But at every turn, they make the most fun choice. And so if you can just enjoy the movie as a blast and still has some fun emotional moments and some really good performances that anchor it. And thus, to me, is a great movie. It might not be a good movie, but it's a great movie. And this this film has those similar qualities.
I'm pulling this up because Dave Gruenwald, I'm going to say, says it reminds me of Brick. And not only is that understood observation because it's true, but also. So Brick came out right at the same time. And I was just reading Robert. I don't know if he was dead yet. I think it was Ebert's review of this movie. And he specifically mentions Brick and he says he he preferred Brick. And his point was that in Brick, they never wink at the camera.
Everybody's. So what it is, is a bunch of teenagers doing a film noir. And they're all doing literally what we're talking about. They're like, they're speaking in 1940s hardboiled detective femme fatale dialogue, you know it. But that movie is very serious, right? But it's 100 percent straight. The whole movie, it's just teenagers at a high school doing that, except for there's one scene where they're about to torture Joseph Gordon Levitt or whatever.
They're going to beat him for information. And one of their moms is like, they want cookies, like yelling from upstairs. That's kind of the one moment that they they're like, just a reminder.
This is the weirdest concept you've ever seen. You know, like it's very ridiculous.
But Ebert was it was pointing out. Oh, I nailed the pronunciation. Good.
David Grudge Grudge Walsh. Losing it, losing it.
But it's a similar thing at a similar time, taking a an old film style and applying it to a modern aesthetic or something. But whereas this movie is like, are we having fun? We're all doing this together. Brick is like, no, this is real. I don't know why I chose to make us all teenagers, but I did. And we're sticking to it.
And and this movie is a little bit more. It's it feels a little bit like he also mentions the usual suspects. If you all have seen that movie, usual suspects is also more serious. But it is a little bit. The twist is so crazy that it's a little bit of that, like, aren't we having fun just being twisty and like there's crimes and people do things and people are farting in lineups. And, you know, it's a little bit of that.
Isn't it fun to make these kinds of movies? Didn't you used to love these movies when you were a kid? That kind of thing. And I think that makes it very fun.
I don't know. I don't really want this movie to be. A Tarantino movie like I don't I don't want to feel the weight of all these people dying, although the the plastic bags over the head was very unpleasant. If I'm going to get killed by a criminal, I would prefer not that one.
Wow. Just me. Store on the room.
How do you all want to die? I've actually seen I'm going to die if you guys want to know. Tell me if you don't want to know because I'll say it.
I'm just going to I like when we watch movies and it reveals weird phobias that people have, like for me, talking about like the weird long dark hallway that I was scared of and barbarian or whenever I say I don't like eyeballs. I'm very scared of eyeball violence.
I think I learned we learned something about you today. Do you think it's weird to not want to get smothered to death by a plastic bag? Is that like, am I the only one? We're all cool with it, but I actually have an appointment to do that real. Can you wrap this up? I'm like, I just want to put them over my head. No, like could I do it? I would be able to just sort of like suck in enough and pop a little hole or maybe bite it. Like, I don't know how hard you're sucking over there, Jesse. But oh, I suck. There's our I love the idea of this work or coming back to this crime scene to sort of clean it up.
And Jesse's alive because he's bitten a hole through the bag. And he's like, in all my years, I've never seen a hardened criminal bite a hole through the bag.
OK, but also you have to keep in mind that these are two proud gang heads of whatever their own empires. And Josh Hart is right there. So all it would do is buy them like three seconds, like just another. And he's like, good Jesus. Yeah.
Oh, it has to do another one. A second bag. My one weakness. You wait right here. I'm going back to the store.
I did appreciate. I did think it was interesting that Morgan Freeman struggles. Ben Kingsley immediately kind of accepts it. Different characters. It's kind of creepy. Yeah.
Ben Kingsley just like I like that because it sets up how afraid Morgan Freeman is to die. Like he almost died. And now his whole thing is that he's like terrified to die. And then Ben Kingsley is on the other side, having tried to kill him and being like life's kind of meaningless.
I did my best. And then at that point, his son's dead, too. So he's like, I've lost everything. Like I I did it the right way, quote unquote. And there's no ending to this other than death.
He does. He does do the he does do the like, I'll pay you. Oh, yeah. And he's like, I don't think that'll work. Well, yeah, but I think at that point, he's still playing the game. Like, it's like, oh, like someone hired you to do this. And it's like, as soon as it realizes like, oh, like this is personal, he's like, all right, well, might as well.
Yeah, we're done here.
I also will say I really liked. When they chose to finally reveal Bruce Willis and the 70s flashbacks, how they chose to tell us it was the 70s. And I love it.
They gave him like a mullet wig and a handlebar, a mustache and aviators and a big tall tan suit. Maybe that's not even true, but in my mind, it is like that's the. At least a trenchcoat or like a duster. Yeah.
I love when a movie is like in case you didn't hear what we just said, it's the 70s or like when they're like it's the 60s and like the flashback starts with like a puff of bong smoke. You're like, just in case you missed what I said, it's the 60s. Well, what I love about that, though, that scene is as they're rolling out, you know, they're like, it's 1979. We'll get our revenge in 30 years hits the radio. And it's like, it's the Kansas City Shuffle. That's a song that was written for the movie in 2006. So like and it has like a rap in it. I was like, thank you. Like one of my favorite things about that scene, though, like I it's stupid and so small, but in that part where they're driving, the song goes like they look left and you go right.
And there's the two roads. And to go left would be to go back to the city. And then there's to go right. There's like this random dirt road that goes nowhere.
Right when it says that in the song, he's like, I'm going right. And I'm like, I hate to kill the move.
I do think Kansas City Shuffle was originally written in the 20s. And was re-made, re-orchestrated for the 2000s. Remember when we used to remake? Remember in the ska era when we do big band songs of ska?
Jesse, have anything to say about that? No, thank you.
Back when music was good. Back when real big fish ruled the airwaves. I looked it up and just saw the 2006 version, but you're right. It is a song about a con. I will say also, it does seem like it was not a song that made a huge cultural impact and definitely made much more of a cultural impact being reintroduced in 2006.
So I think that's very fair. Horseshoe but fair. It did. It is one of the first songs to introduce a shuffle, which is a distinctive triplet driven beat. Well, there you go. That's something you were worried about. It was right. Some respect on its name.
I was just going to say I have in my notes must have been a good dicking, which seems like a crass way to say I'm very surprised that Lucy Liu is willing to go along with this con guy who lies about everything and just murdered so many people. But he seems sweet.
So other than the it's that vulnerable quality that you get when you wear if he had been wearing pants, she would have had nothing to do with them. Not a man in pants. That's so like a man. Oh, that is so like a man or pants. Were you hiding inside those slacks?
I react to that, like they're all in love with each other's minds, though. Like at that point, I feel like they're just so enamored with each other that it's like, yeah, you're a world class assassin, murderer and your boss friend father thing is going to come murder me, too. I mean, yeah, I'm going to say I'm in.
Yeah, I didn't. It didn't ruin anything. I will say one plot hole I noticed, and I don't really actually blame Bruce Willis for this.
But when Bruce Willis is playing chess with all of the identical looking chess pieces, he moves what is ostensibly a knight like a rook. And well, well, well. Because who was is Morgan Freeman's like, you know, this game like chess. I'm familiar. Yeah. I mean, he's talking to Josh Hardin when he says that. And actually, I think Bruce Willis is. No, he's playing Morgan Freeman. It doesn't matter. There's just he's clearly taking the knight position and just going straight out. And that's that's probably the first sign. Wow. That he should have been playing whatever. Checkmate Bruce Willis.
What games were big in 2006? What were the big like video games in 2006? Halo, like Madden two and a half a couple of years. He should have been playing Madden ESPN 2K5 so that he could go, you know how to play ESPN 2K5.
Yeah. Like, yeah, I'm always Michael Vick. I'm the Falcons. I'm going to wreck. Yeah.
No, I. But it was great. They did a lot of those. The cool there was a lot of interesting cinematography.
And also even, yeah, set pieces that didn't really make any sense. Like, it's crazy to think that the the fairies security detail was like on the other side of like a full drywall. Oh, yeah, that was so dumb.
And they were just going to open fire, I guess, when they heard something. Well, they don't open fire. You jump through like this, actually shooting. They shot the other boyfriend and they're like, never again.
Next time we run through the wall and ask what's going on. Right. OK, oops. That was on us. Protocol has been enhanced for the next time.
I just I I I'm sure there's like a privacy thing, but I was like, you know, false a one way mirror work a lot better because you can't see what's happening in the apartment. Anyway, it looked awesome. And it also felt very informed by Boondock Saints. Just the pistols and Kimbo, the camera like.
It was just very funny. Speaking of a movie that takes itself very seriously, with the exception of Willem Dafoe, doing his Oh, who's gay, too? Can you believe how ironic two movies about crime that had gay people in it is all too ironic.
I mean, my brain is going to explode. We can't keep talking about such ironic things. All right. I think that that's most of my main things. This is a movie that for me is nostalgic as well. It's one of those.
So this movie didn't do super great in theaters, but is one of those movies that doesn't that like cannot exist anymore that made its whole budget back again solely on DVD sales. That doesn't even include Blu-ray. It doesn't include rentals. And it doesn't include it came out on like ultra high def and like UH DVD. This is like one of the few movies they tried it with.
And everybody's like, no. You look great, though.
I have one piece of trivia that I read about that. I don't know if it's true or not. I'm assuming it is. And that I won't be embarrassed when I say it. Kalevra, which is his last name, is Hebrew for bad dog, which is obviously a good mirror of good cat. The person you raised him, which is the first name. I think they explicitly say that. They really said that. Yeah, because the movie, they're like Slevin, that's the name of the horse. Well, I got that part of that dog. Yeah, that's right. He says that. But OK, I love that you said it because I forgot that it's the mirror of good cat. Good cat. That's what I'm going to hold on to. I do remember them saying the thing about Slevin being a horse, obviously.
But I did. I missed the Kalevra thing. Well, I was a little distracted by the fact. Good. No, you please.
All I want to say is I was a little distracted by the fact that it's the Dwayne Hoover fix it guy from Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul. That's the guy who was on the phone. You know, the guy who was like the escape van or whatever will give you a new identity, huh? It's that same guy. And even his voice is like, yeah, so, you know, there's a horse and there's dogs.
Are you there? Hello. Also, a young Corey Stoll who has gone on to have a great career, which is excellent. Um, what are we going to say, Devin? Hold on.
I cut him off. Devin, um, the guy wasn't important because it's gone now.
Well, um, do we want to hear some IMB IMDB tags? Yes, tag us. This I check every for every movie. And sometimes they really disappoint. And the IMDB tags was movie. They do not disappoint. I'm going to read them honestly.
And in in the order of relevance there, this has been sorted by relevance. So somebody has voted that this is relevant.
First one. Can you do it? Original story with a Hays Code effect. Some of these, well, some of these won't won't pass the Hays Code. I'll tell you that because the first one is original stories. But the next one is fair.
But yeah, we have assassin organized crime reference to Charlie Chaplin. Gay murder of a police officer. That's ironic.
Manhattan, New York City. Not like a comma, but Manhattan, New York City, like all one word.
Wow.
I would have already read that is the summary of the movie at the beginning. I think that would have nailed it. Here's what we've got.
We've got gay date chess. Beaten man, bare butt. Interrupted sex.
Yeah, it's so good. Those were some really top notch tags. Big fan. That's pretty incredible. Yeah, any other any other wrap up thoughts before we throw it to the unwashed masses? Great. Here we go.
Well, Reuben P. says just want to say hi, and I've been a watcher for decades. Thanks for what you do. Have we been around for decades? Thanks for watching. Yes, so I mean, Reuben's been watching each of us each of us individually for decades.
He's the. Yeah. Skip, you can continue to finish your character. He assembled. They assembled us like like the Avengers.
They're the the Nick. I've heard of them and the Nick Cannon. They're simple by Nick Cannon and timeline.
Chad Gatling says, did you hear that? Willis is the first actor to sell his likeness rights to a deep fake company. I did not know that, but I didn't know that Dolly Dolly Parton is trying to sell like all of her sounds so that they can write new songs with her after she dies.
Sounds like a gift that keeps on giving. I mean, I assume it's like Siri, like maybe you sing every note and with every vowel, I don't know. And every.
I don't know. I, I don't. I mean, it's not a scientist.
You guys, I'm sure heard about the Darth Vader thing, right? Or James Earl Jones is like, I'm not doing it anymore, but you can take my voice and do what you want. Yeah. Well, they will.
They invented an A.I. I was listening to this on NPR because I'm cultured. I invented an A.I. where they literally will have the A.I. listened to someone speak for 30 minutes. And in 30 minutes, you'll make every sound that made in the English language. That's too fast. Use that A.I. to like reinsert dialogue after filming.
So like if they're like, oh, we don't want to have to like redo the dialogue. We'll just type in the line and be like, OK, well, everybody saves time and money. Is every invention meant to screw actors out of money? Yeah, actually, it is because it's one. You have no idea how much money you can get for an ADR session.
I don't.
Well, the people who invented the A.I. were like, we're trying to help the actors out because nobody wants to come back. And I'm like, I'm pretty sure they would if they were not famous ones do. It's the best when they're like, I don't have anything going on.
Oh, my gosh, you walk into a room and there's like a and they're just like, so we can see that you giggle at the door, but we didn't really get that in the thing. So just like, give us a couple of giggles and you like watch yourself do it like 16 times. You just give like four or five different giggles and then they go great.
And then you get paid like a day rate for that whole session. I don't want any I just if any A.I. Is this podcast and trying to get my laugh, I don't give permission. I want to come in for the ADR session. I want full SAG payment.
Brian, Brian, will you give us Brian? Will you give us a couple of giggles? Brian, we need a few he who ha ha ha.
Oh, that's perfect. Thank you.
That's all we need. We got all we need. Yeah, we got everything we need.
I did think it was funny that in the most recent Star Wars show, Darth Vader kept going for her hurt and then he would say suck at these balls. And I was like, that's so weird. Yeah, it feels like I thought it was weird that he kept saying, my life, my life. I was like, why is Darth Vader saying my wife? I was like, it's crazy.
They convinced James Earl Jones to do that. But, you know, you know, it's a beautiful thing to see. All right. Zellat, anime boobies is back and has seen pushing daisies and it made them hungry for apple pie for sure. When she makes that apple pie with like the Gruyere in it or something that has like stuck with me for years. Chad Gatling also points out that naked penis makes them think of a penis wearing a little outfit, which is to say that a naked penis implies the existence of a clothed piece, a little black turtleneck and glasses like Steve Jobs. Oh, right. Yes, Atlanta.
That's like, you know, image at the end of funny people are somewhere in funny people in that movie. He's talking about how his his ball hairs are going gray and he wants to buy like a little tweed suit and stuff because I don't remember anything else from that movie. Yeah, I also want to say that my brain did a quick miswiring and confused it with funny games, which is a very scary break and enter horror movie. So I was like, when did I say that in that movie? That seems so out of character.
Stop stabbing me. My balls are old. I just before I die. Let me put this little jacket on. Please, when you put me in my casket, can it be open? And my balls have a tweed suit, tweed jacket.
All right. So, go see Superman says yes.
You are definitely on to something with the pushing Daisy's tone. A romcom with added violence. I hope that you're getting something out of this alley because none of the three of us are.
So it's all on HBO Max and stuff. Now, if you want to watch it, it just doesn't end very well because I kind of had a abbreviated whatever. But it's a really good show and it's very stylized.
And it was the sort of introduction to Lee Pace on our TVs, which we can all be thankful for. Thank God we have Lee Pace.
Forget the name of the female lead. I apologize for that.
But you made me want bangs here. I am 20 years later. Got bangs. So what can I say? He bangs. She bangs. She never said that, actually, I think. Yes. Hi. She bangs.
OK, so Boobies also says, I fear that Kingsley is not acting. It's just the way he is. Probably true. Yeah, it's probably not true.
But Michael Dieters wants us to know that plastic bags are bad for the environment and then I want to die green. Yeah, it's true. I would like to be strangled with a paper bag or like a. Those are actually just as bad. Like a pair. Is that true? I guess if they're not reusing the paper bags, the energy that goes into creating the bag and plastic bags, you can actually reuse longer most of the time. Well, as long as we're all strangled by the same bag. Surely that's that's good.
He should have strangled Ben Kingsley first. Right. Morgan Freeman. Except that, as we know, Ben Kingsley was trying to tongue his way out like Jesse would. I was going to say in now in present day Manhattan, New York, all one word, one tag.
You can't even get plastic bags anymore. They've kind of outlawed plastic bags.
And so if Jesse had bit his way through the bag and Slevin went out to get a new bag, Jesse would still be alive today. I'm ready to get in on a bag. I am alive. Guys, can you hear me? That's amazing.
Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu name a bad combo. I don't know any random two people, probably. What about them? I don't understand. They seem great.
Are they in a movie together? Is there a famous example of them performing to us? Reuben, are you in the chat with us right now? Are you seeing Antonio Banderas in the room with us?
They're in they're in ballistic X versus sever. I have never heard of this. I'm kind of afraid this is one of those things where remember when I said Robert De Niro after all that time and didn't mean it? I think this is one of those moments. Um, a startling inept film, ballistic X versus sever offers overblown wall to wall action without a hint of went with coherence style or originality. That doesn't sound like a Lucy Liu I would love. Catch us next week when we were reviewing several versus X or whatever. Jordan whispering is the ASMR.
I don't know. I don't like that. Sorry, I'm just doing Jesse. I'm like, oh, no, you're you're choking me, but but I'm tonguing my way out of this bag.
Jordan has whispered both Devin and I to sleep. I don't know if he did that to you, Devin, but that's how I sleep when I see Jordan.
One fourth of my family still dress like that. I don't know what they dress like because I'm assuming that they are referring to the low rise jeans, but I'd prefer to believe they dress like Bugs Bunny. Dress up as a little big titted scamp.
This is a fun fact. Calebra is Spanish for serpent, which is not the word that was used. But a fun fact. Now we've all learned something.
Um, have you reviewed Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? No, but it's a wonderful film and I very much enjoy it.
You know, it's very dirty, though. It's you know, it's a little bit of that.
OK, all titles, you ready, nerds? Yeah, we're going to do we're good. Let's do us first. Devin, do yours because it's the title of the thing.
Oh, 500 Days of Snatched. No, no, just Snatch. Oh, sorry, 500 Days of Snatch.
Yeah. Oh, you know, that's funny here. We didn't really mention it. Guy Ritchie was the other one that I was thinking is Tarantino and kind of Guy Ritchie movies. These are like over complicated, stylized crime kind of things like Snatch. They were going on and Lock Stock and Rock and Rolla. More recently, The Gentlemen, et cetera, et cetera. Anything else from you, Devin? I thought I got it. That's, you know, mess with success.
Yeah, I am. Yeah, it's great.
If I have one for one day, Chanel was wandering around kind of giggling with her bangs. Well, people are getting their heads blown off. Go in this movie to Zooey Deschanel. Who emailed it?
She could have been in this movie, but she would have been like, oh, I didn't have sugar in my apartment. So stupid. Is that good? I'm so dumb. And I just can't keep sugar in my apartment.
Well, now I think that version of the movie, there's one with an entire reshoot with Zooey Deschanel acting that way. Or when she's like, oh, yeah, yeah. I always keep my hands in dead bodies. Oh, that came out wrong.
I can't get a date.
All right, go, go, go, go. What do you think?
My title is I've been through the desert on a horse with my name. I've been through the desert with a horse on a horse with my name. My name is named after the horse.
It's leaven. Forget it. You uncultured line. Who is like there in Jordan? Just as stupid. I'm sure it doesn't know what a horse is. Yeah.
I mean, my other one was a rabbi in a pizza place. So that was my better option. I love it. What was the other one? Sorry, two corpses, a rabbi in a pizza place.
See, that was great. They're both good, though. So well done. Yep. Great.
Let's see what you got. I got fuck shit Jesus and that one, too. World world class assassin fuckhead. Good line slash slash wicked. All I had was I had a bunch and I just deleted them before we started. So I had I'm gay, you're gay.
That's ironic. And it's very maybe that's what it should be. That's ironic. Even though none of it is. All right. Let's see what we got.
I hate it. Yeah, I like it. I don't I don't know that I get it, but I like it.
Michael Dieters says now that's a story that is. Somebody put Kansas City Shuffle because, of course. Oh, yeah.
The most punchable face in New York. I see. I actually think it's the most punchable stomach in New York. Right. He gets punched in the stomach. He gets his nose broken. Bacon because he's because he's a rabbi.
Oh, sure. Oh, wow. We go. Workplace nicknames, the singer killer. OK, a bad dog. Pretty good. A man called horse. You know, I get that. We're on the same page here, I feel. I like that a Josh called horse. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Wait, we already covered that. That's a long title. Colombo implied sex. Yeah.
It is just crazy that she measures one. It doesn't say anything about Colombo. It just is just so, so many. You just missed that one. No, it's not possible. I've seen a lot of Colombo.
I don't know who I'm buying the saddle for. I guess that's in reference to the call your horse. You punch him in the nose. They call your horse again. You say I'm sorry. They call you a third time. Maybe you start to. You got to start looking for saddle, which is what Ben Kingsley's on point.
Yeah, that was such a good close your eyes. It feels like he's here with us.
Do you want me to do Ben Kingsley in Gandhi? Yeah, I want to see. I don't want to have my face on screen immediately off YouTube. I want to see an improv dialogue between Ben Kingsley and Zooey Deschanel.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really, of course, I really enjoy. I when I was a kid, I liked doing the Indian accent a lot.
This accent sucks, but I don't think now is a good time. Probably not a good time to debut what you've been working on since you were eight years old. OK, here it is.
What are you going to fire me again? I'm just kidding. I'm not fired yet.
There will Habsburg says Prosper Reviving Cracked. So we did get one cameo for Michael Swain. So look that up. Michael Swain on crack.
We got a cameo from Jason Pargin. Jason Pargin coming up next week again.
Yeah, there's a couple, but it's 11. Oh, lucky number, Devin. I'd like to also pitch that. That's fun.
I'm surprised that nobody did the boss and the rabbis infinite playlist. I was actually scrolling through HBO Max recently, and Nick and Nora's infinite playlist is on the like is at the top of their like leaving soon.
Oh, no, like scroll. And I was like, no, Michael Cerrone's favorite movie. It's leaving.
I haven't seen it yet. I've never seen it either.
Yeah, I just like to say it.
Panic at the penthouse. There's something murder at the penthouse. At the morgue.
Interrupted sex at the disco. I drive sex. I think it's their but exclamation point at the disco. Their but question mark.
OK, great. I think that's it. Right. Then we're done with these things.
So where can we find you, Devin? Pull your website. Where do you practice? Honestly, I don't know if I want you to find me, you know, professional, personal boundaries. So just know if you live in fluvanna and, you know, need counseling services, you can look us up on Google. Say Devin's name. Counseling and you'll find an error. But other than that, I don't need anyone knowing where I am.
Um, um, juicy thighs, man, where can we find you? Inside a pair of low rise jeans.
Yeah. Spilling out just. Just blossoming from them. Yeah. Write that joke down right when we mentioned it the first time. This is the closer. I didn't. Yeah.
Find me on Twitter at I's been done. Same thing. You can find me on Twitter or all other places at Miss Alice Nutting. That's M.S.A.L.I.C.E. N.U.T.T.I.N.G. Although I am, I will change it to Rat Boy 10. Been bowling at any time. I'll totally change my whole everything noted. You can find me on the Twitter at the underscore J underscore breeding.
And also, I'm just going to keep plugging it to the fire. I also have a YouTube channel where I might put something someday. So if you look up Dr. Jordan breeding. I'm wearing an astronaut helmet, so who knows? That's my backup plan. So if I get fired, go over there.
Oh, God. They're just going to take this video and learn your voice and make videos with your voice. Yeah. From here on to the rest of the future. And you're going to be like, I didn't even say that, but it's going to be like cracked. Yeah. Hello, Internet.
Top 10 wackiest scenes in the major.
Oh, it sounds very natural. I need you to understand it doesn't sound like a robot. I don't like that. They learn your speech patterns. It's just how Jordan talks.
Dave, Dave, Gucci Walsh there. We actually are. We did an entire pilot episode of Pacific Rim, where I pulled out the fact that I own the Pacific Rim coffee table art book. That's how serious my love for this goes. I really do love that movie. Serious.
And I I think I probably have deleted all the information on it because it was embarrassing to hear Ali speak so high. We never posted it. I know. But I think I probably have deleted the we should record it. Correct.
It doesn't give me a hard drive budget. So we run out of space real fast. So I'm always deleting things.
That's fine. All right.
You can't go looking for a day that was never posted. You will not find it unless you can hack my like Google Drive or something, which I can.
That's it. Everyone.
Goodbye, Devin. Thank you for finding. Thanks, Devin. Thank you, Devin. Thanks for having me, guys.
It was great. This is a really fun movie. Thanks for making us watch it. Yeah, it's the best movie of all time. Do not downplay how good the movie is.
All right. That's it. I'm saying bye and I'm hitting the button. Bye.
And you know. Yep. Great. Let's see what you got. I got fuck shit, Jesus. And I want to world world class assassin fuckhead. Good line. Slash slash fucking all I had was I had a bunch and I just deleted them before we started. So I had I'm gay, you're gay. That's ironic. And it's very maybe that's what it should be. That's ironic. Even though none of it is. All right. Let's see what we got.
I hate it. I like it. I don't I don't know that I get it, but I like it.
Michael Dieters says now that's a story that is. Somebody put Kansas City Shuffle, because of course. Oh, yeah.
The most punchable face in New York. I see. I actually think it's the most punchable stomach in New York. Right. He gets punched in the stomach. He gets his nose broken. Bacon because he's because he's a rabbit.
Oh, sure. Wow. There we go. Workplace nicknames, the senior killers. OK, a bad dog. Pretty good. A man called Horse. I get that. We're on the same page here, I feel. I like that a Josh called Horse. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Wait, we already covered that. That's a long title. Colombo implied sex. Yeah.
It is just crazy that she doesn't say anything about Colombo. It just is just so, so many. You just missed that one. Maybe no, it's not possible. I've seen a lot of Colombo.
I don't know who I'm buying the saddle for. I guess that's in reference to the call your horse. You punch him in the nose. They call your horse again. You say I'm sorry. They call you a third time. Maybe you start to. You got to start looking for saddle, which is a bit easily on point.
Yeah, that was such a good. Close your eyes. It feels like he's here with us.
Do you want me to do Ben Kingsley in Gandhi? Yeah, I want to see. I don't want to have my face on screen. Immediately, but off of YouTube. I want to see an improv dialogue between Ben Kingsley and Zooey Deschanel.
Yeah, yeah. I really, of course, I really enjoy.
I when I was a kid, I liked doing the Indian accent a lot. This accent sucks.
But I don't think now is a good time. Probably not a good time to debut what you've been working on since you were eight years old. OK, here it is.
What are you going to fire me again? I'm just kidding. I'm not fired yet.
There will Habsburg says Prosser reviving cracked. So we did get one cameo for Michael Swain. So look that up, Michael Swain on crack. We got a cameo from Jason Pargin. Jason Pargin coming up next week.
Again, there's a couple, but Devin Slevin. Oh, lucky number, Devin. I'd like to also pitch that. That's fun.
I'm surprised that nobody did the boss and the rabbis infinite playlist. I was actually scrolling through HBO Max recently, and Nick and Nora's infinite playlist is on the like is at the top of their like leaving soon. Oh, no. Like scroll. And I was like, no, Michael Saradar is his favorite movie.
I haven't seen it yet. I've never seen it either.
Yeah, I just like to say it. Panic at the penthouse. There's something murder at the more interrupted sex at the disco. I drive sex. I think it's their but exclamation point at the disco. Their but question mark.
OK, great. I think that's it. Right. Then we're done with these things.
So where can we find you, Devin? Pull your website. What do you practice? Honestly, I don't know if I want you to find me professional personal boundaries. So just know if you live in fluvanna and, you know, need counseling services, you can look us up on Google, say Devin's name, counseling and you'll find an error. But other than that, I don't need anyone knowing where I am.
I occasionally will like or comment on Jordan's Twitter stuff, though. But I don't know what my Twitter handle is.
So yeah. I'm the silent observer on Twitter, you know, juicy thighs, man. Where can we find you inside a pair of low rise jeans? Yeah. Spilling out just just blossoming from them. Yeah. Write that joke down right when we mentioned it the first time. This is the closer. No, I didn't. Yeah.
Find me on Twitter at Iceman. Same thing. You can find me on Twitter or all other places at Miss Alice Nutting. That's M-S-A-L-I-C-E-N-U-T-T-I-N-G. Although I am, I will change it to Rat Boy 10 Ben Bowling at any time. I'll totally change my whole everything noted. You can find me on the Twitter at the underscore J underscore breeding. And also, I'm just going to keep plugging it to the fire. I also have a YouTube channel where I might put something some day. So if you look up Dr. Jordan breeding, I'm wearing an astronaut helmet.
So who knows? That's my backup plan. So if I get fired, go over there. Oh, God. They're just going to take this video and learn your voice and make videos with your voice. Yeah. From here on to the rest of the future. And you're going to be like, I didn't even say that, but it's going to be like cracked. Yeah. Hello, Internet.
Dr. Jordan breeding. Top 10 wackiest scenes in the matrix.
No, it sounds very natural. I need you to understand it doesn't sound like a robot. I don't like that at all. They learn your speech patterns. It's just how Jordan talks.
Dave, Dave, Gucci Walsh there. We actually are. We did an entire pilot episode of Pacific Rim, where I pulled out the fact that I own the Pacific Rim coffee table art book. That's how serious my love for this goes. I really do love that movie. Serious.
And I I think I probably have deleted all the information on it because it was embarrassing to hear Ali speak. So we never posted it. I know. But I think I probably have deleted the. We should be recorded. Correct.
It doesn't give me a hard drive budget. So we run out of space real fast. So I'm always deleting things.
That's fine. All right.
You can't go looking for it, Dave. It was never posted. You will not find it unless you can hack my like Google Drive or something, which I can.
That's it. Everyone.
Goodbye, Devin. Thank you for finally. Thanks, Devin. Thank you, Devin. Thanks for having me, guys.
It was great. This is a really fun movie. Thanks for making us watch it. Yeah, it's the best movie of all time. Do not downplay how good the movie is.
All right. That's it. I'm saying bye and I'm hitting the button. Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_convoluted_jerry_snl | Convoluted Jerry, you've heard his music for years and now you can own his greatest hits on one Lp. Introducing Convoluted Jerry, the songs out with hits like Quit Not Bein' My Lover, Quit Not Bein' My Lover, Quit Not Bein' My Gal, Yes, no, yes. it's all the mixed message lyricism you've come to love, and all your favorite songs like backwards Day, why don't you stop shuttin' up on backwards Day. Cuz I don't not hate your voice, I think. and classics like I never felt the way. I never felt the way that I didn't feel yesterday tonight.
And Jerry explains the movie, Inception. it was a dream within a dream within a dream. Inception! The New York Times says, is that a Hitler mustache? I hope they got that. It's not. Jerry has enough problems as it is. And don't forget his legendary duet with the stepfather of soul, Marvin Gaye Jackson. Oh, living in the ghetto is easy. they got the best swordfish in town. You see? Man, what the f*** are you talking about? Convoluted Jerry, the songs out. go out and get it at home. |
dropout | sleepovers_when_you_re_gay | Okay, let's talk about boys. Yes. Yes, boys!
Or whatever. Who do you think here has the biggest boobs? Not me. Oh, wait.
Which guy in our grade would you guys make out with? Matt K, of course. Kyle C, Matt C. Ew! Or Matt A. Matt Q, all day, every day.
Remember when she asked whose boobs were the biggest? That was crazy, right?
I have my guesses. Let's play a game. Spin the bottle. It's just girls. Why would we play that? Um... Okay. First girl to file sleep gets her bra taken off and frozen! Yes! Okay, hold on. How is my thing weird? But then, like, that you're all on board with. Well, it would be weird to play Spin the Bottle with no boys. I mean, it's actually, like, impossible. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna take someone's bra off of their cold, unconscious, sleeping body. Duh! Okay. Dare me to call Kyle and tell him to bring the boys over? Yes! I don't know. Hey, come on. Hey, remember, we're all playing that game.
And I might fall asleep. I hope not. It's ringing. Hope you guys don't do anything to my unconscious, sleeping body.
What's up? Oh, my God. He is so hot. In what world? Shh. Yo, what's up? Hey, Kyle.
It's Natalie. Oh. Let me talk to Chelsea. She's hotter. Don't listen to him, Natalie. You have a beautiful, creative spirit and a tenderness not usually found in this.
Shut up! I can't hear Kyle. Hang up that phone.
This is a girls-only slumber party. Amen, Meredith. You don't need boys. Yes, preach! Just you girls down here together.
Watching this. Shit. Fucking mushrooms. Great.
The phone's gone.
Sorry my mom is such a B-I-T-C-H bitch. Bad girl.
What? Now we ran out of games to play. Oh, here's the game.
We all close our eyes and we touch stomachs. And you have to guess whose stomach is on top of your stomach.
Ah! Right? It's harder than it sounds. Here, look. Ali! You won! Your turn. Now you have to guess. Ali. Stop suggesting weird games. Let's play Spin the Bottle. Yes! Because the boys are here!
Stop! Wait, guys.
We don't need girls. We could just go back to the basement and watch porn and pretend we're not looking at each other jerk off.
And you have to kiss whoever the bottle lands on. Oh, if that happens, you just kiss the person to your left.
You can't just make new rules. Change in the middle of the game. No, no. That's not what you said.
I have to kiss him. I won't be happy until I'm 22.
Hey, what's up? It's Ali from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here to see some more cool stuff. And if you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here.
I made that. This is what I like. |
SaturdayNightLive | lisa_from_temecula_sports_bar_snl | Oh, and that's gay. my Knicks are killing it this season. Shana, I didn't know you since you were my intern. how did I not know that you were a Knicks fan? are you from New York? Oh, well, I moved here after college, so I adopted the Knicks as my team, but I'm actually from Temecula.
Temecula, I know, that's right. y'all been in the bathrooms here. they got that good soap. Alright, and here you go, miss. Oh, Lisa, did you sneak off and pay for the whole table? Oh, thank you. that's so nice. Lisa, I'm your sister's boss.
I can't let you do that. Oh, oh, but I insist.
I pay my way. I got money, too. I just got broke off in court. Oh, congratulations, Lisa. God, I paid money to watch you in court.
Mr. Sir, what did you want? you trying to get road to death or something? I'm just trying to be kind. Mark, please ignore us. she's just joking around. hold up. hold up. this ain't right. what's wrong, sis? they added gratitude.
I wrote in my tip, but they already added gratitude. Well, normally, restaurants add gratuity for larger parties. Oh, okay, so a freeloader corrected me. they only supposed to do that for parties of six or more. I ain't getting tricked into tipping twice.
I'ma fix this. Alright, well, look, guys, I almost forgot to tell you about this, So I've recently been taking flute lessons. I put erasable pens for the win, am I right? So I started playing a little in my living room and. 80%, I was gonna get 20, but y'all blocking y'all glitzes. but then I see this frickin'' snake slithering out of the bathroom. you can talk about refills that's free, and I see six honey coladas on the bill, Okay? Okay, Lisa, Lisa, I think it's going. can you just stop? Oh, damn. oh, damn. What now, Lisa? that's the customer copy. Okay, but you don't have to erase it at this time. can you just scratch it out? Yo, you right, you right. that's a good idea. I'ma do that. Lisa, Lisa.
Mark, what's your talking, girl? I heard every word. Mr. Tarzan over here trying to lure me to his house talking about he got a big snake. Sir, let me tell you something.
I just ate 32 habanero wings. I am not riding you. excuse me, miss. it is time for you and your friends to leave. you have made a complete mess, and our host said they saw somebody stealing soap from the bathroom. Boy, boo, I bought this from Wargroves. once again, please leave.
No, no, no, no, no. Why we got to leave? because of our disability? You don't have a disability.
Sir, I will have, you know, he is Negro divergent. Oh, my God. So, like that? Shana, I got this. You know, when I look, when I see, when I look at Lisa, I see a very layered woman who isn't always aware of her surroundings.
Say that. Lisa has determination, persistence. might even be a Klepto. Say that. Sure, the rest of the world is speaking, but does it really matter? No, because when it's all said and done, Lisa only hears what Lisa wants to hear. Say that. And we cannot lose sight of what's the most important tonight.
Lisa fed us all. I paid my wedding. uh-uh, hold up. this wing ain't done. that's it, I'm suing. I told them to cook, Mommy. |
dropout | everyday_acting_seeing_an_ex | Everyday Acting, the theater workshop for real life situations. Seeing a girl or boyfriend you haven't seen since the breakup, this is theater. You must never betray the pain and anguish you feel. This is life, not a fucking middle school production of Pippin.
The word great is your ally. Naomi, great to see you. Yeah, no, I'm great, great, great, great, great. The fictional character you are inhabiting is you. Oh yeah, I got that promotion I was gunning for, and you know, I joined the crunch gym. That's been really nice. The greatest actors tell two stories. One with their eyes, the other with their mouths. Oh, you moved two blocks away. That's great. That's really great. Really, really exciting.
Nikolai, I believe you prepared a backhanded compliment. Oh, you're running a marathon? I just read this thing in the Atlantic about how a lot of that charity money goes to the wrong people, but cool you're doing it. Powerful stuff, Nikolai, powerful stuff. Remember to suck in your gut. Rebecca. Every sight, sound, and smell reminds me of you. No, what? Christ, Rebecca, are you allergic to learning? Sometimes.
Now, if you meet your ex's new romantic partner, this is an actor's dream. Because you must act as if you do not already know every detail of their life from stalking them on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. This is my new boyfriend, Roger. Roger, what an interesting and surprising name. Yes, yes, revert to a primordial state of unknowing.
What is your job? What is your favorite TV show?
Exemplary. Aside from Friday Night Lights. No, Grayson, that is an unacceptable loss of focus and discipline.
Three vocal warm ups. I don't think thoughts of her thick thighs. I met someone, her name is Pam, Pali, Palu, Pala. Only the lonely eat banh mi and bone mi. When you have performed your small talk, it's time for the encore.
The excuse to leave. Yeah, I have to go. Actually, I left a piece of toast on my dresser. So it doesn't matter, just get the fuck out of there.
Greatest actors tell two stories. Eat banh mi and bone mi. Don't know why we did that. The bowing thing. Eat banh mi and bone mi. Don't ever touch me again. |
dropout | reviewing_movies_we_didn_t_see_ch_shorts | Hello, and welcome to Not at the Movies, the show where we discuss the movies we haven't seen but have a lot of opinions about. It's that time of year again, trophy season. And we're here to talk about the top contenders of 2018. First up is the Florida Project, now I haven't seen this film, but it's an overrated piece of poverty porn.
Grant, I scrolled past that exact same headline and I couldn't agree more. Now I actually did more than scrolled past it, I clicked on it and I read the headline, so. Oh my god. Well you know what, I also read that the ending sucks. So that must be true, it was in two different places. That tears it.
This movie's a garbage pile. Don't waste your time.
Absolutely. Up next, Lady Bird. What can I say about Lady Bird?
Wow, so good, from what I've heard. I haven't seen it, but it is the greatest coming of age story anyone has ever told. I completely agree. One of my friends told me that this movie was so me.
It is so you. Stop. And hello, it's a female director, let's start supporting women when it's convenient for me. Moving on.
A film that I haven't seen that I would love to discuss is The Shape of Water, not Guillermo del Toro's best work. Now when you compare it to earlier masterpieces like Pan's Labyrinth and The Devil's Backbone, I haven't seen those.
It just does not hold up. Well that's where I'm going to have to disagree with you Grant.
I mean, we shouldn't judge an artist by their previous works that we haven't seen. We should be judging them by what we're not seeing today. Well, I guess you're not seeing not what I'm not seeing.
Now that's something we can both agree on. Moving right along, call me by your name. Now this is a masterpiece in filmmaking from what I hear, and I don't know why there aren't more pictures like it. I heard it was kind of overrated from a friend of mine. Well, he sounds straight.
Studios are afraid to take a risk on films like this because they think no one will go and see it. Like we didn't go and see it. Can't argue with that. This next film isn't nominated for Best Picture, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it. Star Wars, The Last Jedi.
Now I haven't seen this film, but it's completely ruined my childhood. It's thrown out all of my baby pictures. It's killed everyone I met before the age of 10, and it's ruined the franchise.
Well, I haven't seen it yet either, but I do love to disagree. So I thought it was innovative, subversive, and exactly what the franchise needed, I would assume. If you're wrong, and you're a stupid person, then you should shut up. Last on our review is... Get Out. Now, I haven't seen this film yet. What? You haven't seen Get Out? I mean, I'm definitely going to see it, but wait, you have? Yeah, I loved it. I mean, I saw the first three minutes because I put it on super late, I fell asleep, but I had dreams about racism, so I think I get it. The first three minutes?
I think they're going to end up together. I hope so. Yeah. Well, Grant, who do you think is taking home the big trophy this year? Well, I think Get Out because I'm not racist. Well, I'm going to go with Call Me By Your Name because I'm not homophobic. That does it for us. We'll see you...
Not at the movies! You don't forgot these three billboards.
Oh my gosh. That problematic piece of shit that I really love.
It's a feminist manifesto, said someone else. Play from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here to see some more cool stuff. And if you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here. I made that. It's a feminist manifesto, said someone else.
Click here to see the hot babe in the city. Click here. I made that. This is what I like. |
dropout | dvd_commentary_the_movie | Hey everyone, this is Dan Masters, with me here is Stephen Sinclair. Pleasure to be here. You're watching Commentary of the Movie. Hi Dan, I'm the writer-director and one of the main actors of the film, and I hope you like it. Ah, Cindy was great.
I always loved the gritty cop dramas growing up, but I wanted to avoid a lot of the cliches. That's why I started on the dead body right away. Such a brave choice, just death staring you right in the face. I didn't want to do it half way. And... He was a dead cop the whole time.
Bet you didn't see that coming. So you see, that's the reason you're wearing black. That's really neat. Yeah.
It took us forever to shoot this scene. You were sick as a dog. Yeah, by the time I had to yell, Cindy, get in here! I was dying.
Cindy was such a pro. She's got a great future in film. And of course, the file leads us to... Lazz McGinty. Now in this next shot, you'll see the barber shop that was actually owned by my uncle.
Really? I didn't know that.
Working with you, Lazz, was so crazy. No, please. I was such a fan of your first film, deleted scenes. It was an honor just to be asked to work with the great Dan Masters. Thanks. You had such intensity under this scene.
I'm sorry I'm not saying anything. It's hard not to just sit back and watch you two work. A lot of people probably didn't notice this, but you see that cop coming up in the background?
Yeah. Well, first we cut to your close-up. Okay. And then back. And there.
No more hat. God damn it. Wow, I never noticed that before. Horrible. Alright, finally. Smack shit.
People don't realize, but I did all my own stunts in this film. Oh, you did it. What? Yes, I did. When you went back to your trailer, we re-shot the scene with me. No one told me that.
Yeah, I'm sorry, man. It really didn't look right.
Which is why I was the bad guy the whole time. It's always the person we suspect.
I remember reading this part in the script, and I thought, they were best friends. It blew my mind. Yeah, but I had to shoot you anyway. We must have shot this scene like 80 times. Just looking at you now cracks me up. I just remember how bad that fake blood tasted. I'm surprised you got anything from this.
You're a pro. I'm a pro. |
CrackerMilk | funniest_crackermilk_shorts_2023 | Nice shirt dude predictable nice tits excuse me Chicks what's that doing there? Come on? You know the drill you got any firearms on you know I? Know a gun in a butthole when I see one That's not mine, it's your butthole Cough for me look that one's feeding Wow dad it's coming right for us relax kangaroos are herbivores. They only eat vegetables Dude we've got about 10 seconds before it's all over and we're immortalized forever, okay?
I'm gonna tense really hard so girls know that I'm really strong. That's a good one. I'll do the same I just got a stretch first, okay Tense really hard, bro I love this exhibit so exciting here. We have two ancient humans Frozen in time because of a volcanic eruption it kind of looks like that one's giving the other one a blowjob Great spotting. He is yeah actually in ancient times Homosexuality was very popular as you can see here from him Ferociously giving it to his friend come closer, and I'll tell you all about this style of fellatio Hey Hey nice outfit, thanks.
You won't believe what's underneath Rock trench coat What are you watching gay porn, what are you really watching Star Wars which episode I Know what you're thinking dad, but I really do believe ryan johnson successfully subverted the audience's expectations And that's something to reward we are an original trilogy family You know that but dad the graphics and the sequels are way better Can't you just try and like them do or do not there is no try. Oh nice That's what obi-wan says in episode six right was a Yoda you fucking idiot Okay, but dad think about all the Star Wars shows that we get Some yeah like my favorite book of Boba Fett How much do I owe you for rent again $800 I just don't have a lot of Money at the moment is there something else that I could give you instead No, I'd probably just like the money could I interest you in? Want it And really just appreciate the rent money. There's so much surface area. You know so many options I don't really want that and I'm into everything Holding hands tongue in mouth showering with my clothes off Watching each other Go number two.
You know what let's just forget about it. Okay Yeah, well, I mean, it's just Monopoly money Okay Thanks my turn What's the matter? I've been getting death threats You mean death threats Not this time Holy shit, it's massive. How are we gonna get across? Don't worry. I've got this I've got this It's not working, maybe if you play it louder Boys boys, you're not gonna believe the story.
I just remembered the other day. I was at the club remembered. Don't you mean remember? Of course, he doesn't remember he couldn't remember how to talk If your dad was alive, he'd be so disappointed You can't speak Cigarettes I should have lived for a dictionary Dick an airy don't you mean dictionary?
So the thing about bluey's even though it's a kids show they've made it so adults still find all the characters really hot Connor You're a guy honest opinion. Does my butt look okay in these pants? I'm probably the wrong guy to ask I'm more of a tits guy. So What what do you mean a tits guy?
Oh, they're so gross Well, at least I'm not the third type of guy He's woken did somebody say There's two things that I like feet and Quentin Tarantino Can we get rid of this guy Lee but first You must pay the toll What's the toll you must let out those dogs? Show me your feet shot not shut up fine I Came Kimchi Kimchi Hey, you can't be doing that. That's offensive to Asian people and they matter here. Yeah, what now? I didn't mean to offend you because I'm Chinese. No, it's ping-pong ching chong Is he being racist to you because you're Chinese, um, yeah he is I'm not boy Are you being racist? Cuz he's Chinese.
I'm sorry.
Oh, you're piece of shit, mate. You're a fucking piece of shit This is not what this country's all about Where the hell do you think you get off my fucking in like that?
Hello police, I'm responding to an emergency. Oh my god. Thank god. You're here I just got home from a conference and my house has been attacked by spider-man my house and my husband Back back. Come tell them come tell them what spider-man did come on Yeah, I was alone and spider-man came in and and got on top of me and he webbed me up and he webbed the whole House and it's okay. It's not a big deal.
I think you could probably go home now No, he was covered head to toe. He could barely open his eyes. They were webbed shut wasn't I wasn't covered in it There was a little bit of web just here, but I just wiped that off with a towel Well, he licked that off tell them how you licked it off. You have to be honest with the police darling He licked it off. Wow, he must have webbed you like Six seven times eight loads in two hours. Yeah, he was feeling pretty like aggressive I guess maybe like pent-up because maybe like Mary Jane's not putting out or something.
So I Can't believe spider-man did this. Oh, you don't have to touch quite sticky No, no, don't put it in your mouth Salty yet a little bit sweet as well. Yeah, maybe spider-man's been drinking pineapple juice or something And what about the tissues? Is that spider-man's doing as well? That was also spider-man Can I talk to you outside?
Well, of course You've got to get out of here right now. I think they're wrong to us, but baby. What about us? What's broke don't need fix got to pick up all the pieces like my truck pick up truck So Fuckers, so I'm looking for some Zaza you guys got any Zaza I get some Zaza from you guys maybe and then maybe some needles so I can put the Zaza in, you know, so You're a cop Code blue code blue abort mission abort mission the jigs up get the essentials. You gotta go Oh Hey, do you wanna go out for dinner tonight I found this local pizza restaurant It has the best cheese from this French region from under from Monda. Yeah from under these nuts You Connor What the fuck? What the fuck? I'm just fucking trying to call your head mouth curly Go sell I can't tell you I can't see your massive We gotta figure this out no, we gotta figure out this We definitely have to figure that out Has it always You guys see my Hey guys, thanks for watching the video if you want to help us you can support us on patreon where we Deliver a lot of different content and sorry for Emily We apologize family Yeah, you guys try anything and I'll get you I swear to God I love killing Kind of cute though He's trying to kill us, you know me I'm a sucker for a bad boy No, thank you. Like I got those fucking kids.
He reminds me of your ex. No, he doesn't No, I'm here to get the rest of my zings Who's the fuck is this What the hell it's not what it looks like Why does she look like me? She doesn't she's beautiful. Hey, be careful with her.
You have a problem Hi officer, what can we help you with? Do you know why I pulled you over here today?
Oh I Thought you'd know All right, you got you guys can go okay Hi sweetie, hey mom, how was work shit Couldn't find it still. Oh, well, did you have a proper look? Of course? I had a proper look Did you have a boy look or a mom look? Boy look All right, Connie beans.
I'll help you this time. But if I find it straight away, I'll be so terribly disappointed in you. Let's go What this Connor, oh Thanks, mom. You found this place. I look look pick it up and meet me in the car. Okay In breaking news the body of Madeleine McCann has been found Picture this you have to go to an event where you will see your bitch ex-girlfriend But you have not improved yourself over the past few months and have unfortunately Let yourself go call us a cracker milk for our glow-up service our team of cracker milk uses your DNA to perfectly replicate a version of yourself with big strong muscles and a really big brain and we can do this scientific process using all sorts of DNA including stool We can guarantee that your ex-girlfriend who is a bitch will fully believe that that double ganger is you Who are you I'm Connor I'm sorry, you're not Connor. Yes. I am then prove it Do you remember the time we went to the watering hole behind old man Gilbert's house and you? You were wearing this green dress And we said I love you for the first time Connor How have you been I've been great like Obviously like really really great like great great like like great great Anyway, you look the same And due to our radical transition into feminism this is now available for women You look amazing, how have you been Great obviously great. I mean look at me Anyway, you look the same We absolutely hate the idea of self-improvement, but we love the idea of telling your bitch ex-girlfriend that you have improved That's why we give you the boyfriend glow-up Excuse me look this might come up weird, but I just wanted to say I think it's so brave that you're |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_sarah_sherman_debuts_sarah_news_snl | Well guys, we're six shows into the new season. here to discuss a personal gripe with me is our very own Sarah Sherman. Oh God, what did I do now? none of these jokes are about me. it's all midterms. This, trump that, But what about Sarah? we can't do jokes about you, Sarah. but I can and I'm gonna do them all here. Right now. You, you brought your own set? of course I did cause yours looks ugly. I'm Sarah and this is the Sarah News.
A tunnel below Niagara Falls recently opened to the public for the first time in over a century. A musty old tunnel letting people back in after years of disuse.
I can only hope, said my boyfriend. That's right, America, I have a boyfriend. don't let the queer haircut fool you, honey. I'm as straight as Michael Che's update persona this week Elon Musk suspended Twitter's paid verification system. Well, I guess the only check mark next to my name will be the one on Kanye's list of Jews to keep an eye on.
Okay, all right. All right, I think that's enough jokes about Sarah. Bro, I'm only gonna say this once. Stop touching my leg under the table. I'm not doing that news today. I'll be doing a story on Point is in the middle of the ocean. Okay. what are you a geographer? relax, bro?
In Pennsylvania news, Senator-elect and big gorgeous monster, John Fetterman has received criticism for his casual dress and I agree, those cargo shorts and hoodies don't belong on the senate floor. they belong crumpled up on my bedroom. Matti Thanksgiving must've come early this year because that hunk is giving the turkey waddle between my legs. That is disgusting. Speaking of disgusting. I recently had an allergic reaction that made my face look like this. But on the bright side, now, I have a picture to show the Hr lady when she asks, what did Colin ever do to you? That is horrible. Are we have to end this? Why? So you can get back to like whatever this crap is. Hey guys, by the way, these aren't notes. they're just Colin's little drawings of me. You planted that Sarah Sherman. Everyone. |
dropout | macgruber_game | Hello everybody my name is Streeter and I am Jeff. We are in Austin for the screening of MacGruber so we thought we'd pull people off the street and test them in a variety of games and see how they stack up against the stars of MacGruber.
Now we have a timed puzzle game let's see how these people do. So the idea here is to get the yellow pieces in the proper hole before the timer runs out. Set the timer to a completely arbitrary point and the game will begin when I press this button. Here we go now.
Do you think there's somewhere someone who's insanely good at this just like one, one. This young woman is really burning through these here. I feel like two or three people might be more of a hindrance than a help. That one clearly not in the right hole. I told you it's harder than it looks.
There we go he's got the second S in place. We're getting close though we're getting out. That was awesome. Game twice but ahhhhhh. Never a good. This is getting out. Stop yelling. I think she's got it. That's good.
And now we just wait for the timer to run. Now I turned it off. I still want to see it explode.
She beat it. Well you beat it. There you go. People on the street did pretty well. I disagree.
Let's go to the screening and see how the stars of MacGruber do. They didn't do very well at all here. Okay we are at the MacGruber party. We're here with Christian Wake. We are here with Will Forte the star of MacGruber playing MacGruber himself. We are here with Yorma and Ryan. We are about to play our puzzle game and see how they compare just against the MacGruberness of the general populace in Austin.
Two hands.
Really working. I think she's gonna get it. Oh my god. We're missing a beast. She's done it. Good enough for me.
Did you have a strategy going in or just you know whatever. I looked at some of the pieces before we started.
Such a cheater.
Go. No pressure. Christian already had half the board filled in. Very well.
But this timer jumps those last few seconds.
It's gonna be the reverse S. That's it. That's it. We're missing a beast.
He's done it. Incredible. Performing under pressure. Very impressive. Well done Will Forte.
Beating the game. Let's go. Interesting strategy. Okay we're going for the wedge. Seemingly working apart but really working together. Going twice as fast. I think you guys beat both Christian and Will.
Well that is all for us from Austin. We've proven once again that famous people in movies are better than regular people off the street. Which we already knew. I think we already knew that we have the scientific proof.
Guys thanks for watching and please go check out MacGruber. Subs by www.zeoranger.com |
TheOnion | ACLU_Explains_How_Some_Of_Funds_Raised_Will_Defend_Rights_Of_Weirdos_To_Have_Sex_With_Trees | The past six months have been unprecedented at the ACLU. Our membership has quadrupled, and we raised a record-breaking $24 million in one weekend following President Trump's travel ban. Those funds will help us defend civil liberties whenever they come under attack. And a portion of that money will inevitably go towards defending the rights of weirdos who have sex with trees. Your donations to the ACLU get used in a variety of different ways. Not only will they allow us to safeguard against the White House's unconstitutional agenda on behalf of all Americans, but your donation will also, without a doubt, allow us to provide legal help to those citizens who shamble over with their pants down to jerk off in a field of sycamores late at night. With your donations, we can also now hire hundreds of more lawyers to represent those in court who have been unlawfully discriminated against for their religious beliefs, gender, or in some cases, for only being able to ejaculate when they're nuts deep in a knothole. Thousands of people of all creeds, races, ages, and ideologies reach out to us throughout the year looking for support when their individual rights are under siege. The next letter we receive very well could be from a citizen who likes to hump saplings while simultaneously screaming fuck me at a nearby American elm tree. If we believe he or she is being unlawfully oppressed or mistreated for their desire to have their bare genitals come in direct contact with a perennial, a portion of your thoughtful contributions will give us the ability to say, we're here for you, and we're here to help you. If a government body argues that someone doesn't have the right to be feeding pine needles one at a time into their urethra, we'll fight back on their behalf and so many others like them who only want to live their lives enjoying the raw, carnal pleasure that comes from fucking a tree. And it's your donations that make that possible.
Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | penelope_thanksgiving_snl | Hi, everyone. I'm Mary.
I just want to thank you so much for volunteering at St. Angel's Thanksgiving Soup Kitchen. These dinners are so fun. last year, we ate and laughed and partied, and it was so hard that we didn't get out of here until, like, 8.30.
I'm talking P.m. Well, I'm Lisa, and it's my first time doing this. I'm excited. And I'm Lou.
And seeing all these wonderful faces here today, it really warms my heart. it warms my heart, too, so. mine's burning a lot, though. it's like a little ball of fire under my bra. can't see the pledge of allegiance or I'll burn my hands. I guess my heart's a little warmer than yours. Oh, thank you, Penelope. wasn't it? Oh, good. Well, as I was saying, Thanksgiving is a special time for me.
Interesting fact,: thanks to Ancestry.com, I just found out that I had relatives come over on the Mayflower. my relatives came over on the Aprilflower. so they got here one month before yours is. All right. good to know. uh, oh, well, I can see that people are starting to arrive, so I'm gonna open the doors, and, uh, everybody, let's get our aprons on. Aw, come on in. come on in.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Turkey Day. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Fourth of July. probably get to see a lot of fireworks because you live outside.
Penelope. uh, no, I-i think I've got this covered, but, uh, why don't you go over there and help serve the corn? Okay. mm-hmm. thank you. Nashed Potatoes? yeah, please. they're my favorite.
Well, then, maybe I can sneak you a little extra. I'll sneak you a lecture, too.
Some corn. I'm just gonna give you a little more than she did. give you a little more. give you a little more than she did. Oh, wow. I am thankful for you, lady. Oh, oh, Penelope. mm-hmm. what are you doing? you can't get that much corn to one person here. well, don't be so hard on her. she means well.
Well, oh, fine, but-but-but just don't bring out any more big silverware, okay?
Pastor Mike, it's so good to see you. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Wow. look at all these turkeys. And there's food here, too.
Oh, Pastor Mike, you tell such good jokes. Oh, thank you very much. is this thing on? I took good jokes, too. Did you guys hear the one about the peanut that went to the Central Park? it was assaulted? That's my time. been a great crowd. Well, thank you, Penelope. Anyway, Pastor Mike, I saved you a drumstick.
Oh, don't mind if I do, and we have a chance to come by my table and say hi. the whole family's here, all three of us. my family's here, too, So. there's six of us, so, like, double bigger than yours. So, they're right over there, so. excuse me, Mary, some of the people were wondering if we could turn up the volume on the football game. Oh, of course, no problem. I'd be happy to do that. I'm already doing it, so I'm just gonna turn up a little louder than you would have.
Pastor Mike wasn't here.
I'd kick that girl with the jiblets. Oh, she's just being helpful. Well.
Oh! that's the longest pass I've ever seen. Yo, what's Sanchez doing? No one's in the end zone.
Who is that? it's me. I caught it. Touchdown. Thank you, Lauren. What is happening?
Does anyone want this football? I can't play anymore.
I just tested positive for steroids. she is ruining this entire day. she's acting like she's the Queen of Thanksgiving. I am the Queen of Thanksgiving. I now dub thee sir Waddle of Gabula, So congratulations. Really, Penelope, Really? you are the Queen of Thanksgiving? Well, I'm the President of Wednesdays, and, uh, and you know what else?
I drive a tanning bed to work, and if I clap three times, a wiener dog appears and, oh, my dad's a chocolate chip. And you know what else? if I wanna relax, I just turn myself into a pot of soup, So. I'm gonna be. so. Well, I guess all I can say is that my tanning bed drives me to work, so I can read the paper and have my coffee. And if I clap twice, all the dogs in the world get an extra wiener. And my dad's a chocolate chip cookie, so your dad is baked inside him. And when I wanna relax, I shrink into a pot of soup and float around and use the celery stickers around, So.
I don't even know why I'm wasting my time with you. this is a day of thanks, and you made it all about you. Mary, calm down. Okay, just try to have some food and relax. you're right. I'm sorry. Mary, I think we have a situation over here.
Happy Thanksgiving. I'm not thankful for anything. I'm thankful for five, which is just a little bit more than you. we're thankful everyone else. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Turkey Day. |
dropout | halo_3_homicide_detective | Talk to me. We are dealing with one dead Halo player. Team Slayer. Gamertag. White Fang 68. Oh, that's pretty gay. Team Slayer rank.
19. Oh. He's a rookie. How'd he go?
Battle rifle? Sniper? That's the thing. No bullet wounds. Plasma grenade? Spartan laser? Oh my god. I hate the Spartan laser. It's about as stupid as those shoddy snipers on Snowbound.
No burn. No bullet wound. Were his shields weakened by bullets and melee'd? Can't find one bullet wound on his whole gay little rookie body, sir.
He's a rookie, so he gets excited. There was one of his two frag grenades. It explodes next to the canister. The canister detonates, which in turn detonates a fusion core. It's a huge blast.
See? It sends three pylons through the air. The charged shrapnel, the fusion core skeleton, just barely misses an enemy player. It hits the wall behind him. Explains a scrape. Now, that would have been one hell of a kill, splattering an enemy inadvertently from across the room. But no, enemy fires off a few rounds of battle rifle. He sees it coming, actually steps out of harm's way. Just in time for one of those three pylons to collide with his unfortunate, unfortunate face.
Rookie dies instantly. Should have vetoed, little man.
Wow. This game is so elaborate. I know. Bunching the shit, right? I haven't seen this sophisticated of a kill since the team slayer Mongoosplatter in Valhalla.
Which was awesome. That was awesome.
So it was a suicide. That's why he hasn't respawned yet. Precisely. Which is why we gotta get out of here. We got like three seconds before they respawn. Get the fuck... Ooh! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_The_Splendour_Files_2023 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Hey guys, and welcome to The Batooter Advocate podcast, Effie Bateman here live at Splendour in the Grass with Wendell Hussey. It's been a sensational weekend full of great music, great food, great booze, which you might be able to tell with some of our interviews here. But anyway, we're going to kick off with our friends and experts at Triple J, Bryce and Concetta, to get us warmed up for the interviews ahead. Here we are, we're in the Byron Shire, the linen capital of the country, the Northern Rivers, we're at Splendour in the Grass, and as much as everyone would love to be at Splendour in the Grass, not everyone can be at Splendour in the Grass, so a couple of people who bring it to the nation, to the youth who want to indulge, to the slightly older people who want to indulge in Splendour but can't be there, it's a couple of our favourite hosts from Triple J, Bryce, Concetta, they've stepped into our media tent, they're gracing us with their time.
And they've got the puffer jackets on, I love it! You've got the green one, you've got the black one, you guys, you've suited up. We have to, I feel like, you know, the thing about Splendour, it's hot in the day, it's cold in the night, but I'm also, I think the only one with gumboots, because I went last year.
I mean, you've heard about last year, right? So we all went last year. We can't talk about last year. Nobody talks about last year.
But we all threw out our gumboots at the end of the day, we all put them in the bin, and we felt really bad about it. We didn't do that, we recycled them and we made sure they got turned into like, fires or something like that. Yeah, and didn't you plant like a hundred trees as well? We did. We didn't just throw them out, it wasn't a fire special. I heard about it, it got through the grapevine.
How are you guys going, how are you travelling? Feeling good man, like it's long days, you guys know how it is, right?
You sort of like, I don't know, you're doing your thing and then you gotta go out and do some interviews and then you're going out and doing something in the mosh pit and sort of screaming and shouting and then maybe someone pulls you in for a video or something, because this whole area in the back, I mean we're not really used to the sort of, the networking jerk that is like the circle jerk of this backstage thing, right? So this is new for you guys, this is your first year at Splendour, doing the whole? This is my second, last year was the first, but I feel like, again, like we said, doesn't really count, right? So, I mean check those, this is your first. It was a weird period. Yeah. This is my first and it's like, I'm not just a punter, I'm working, so I feel like I'm in this weird like, um, uh, Twilight Zone, where I'm like... It's purgatory, you can't get too trashed.
Truly, truly! You're like, I need to get a bit tipsy to do interviews, but I can't get too trashed because I've got to come in the next day at 12. Absolutely. We want to pun and you want to have fun, but you also have to work. When you're watching the music, right, you've got to like remember key moments to then talk about on the radio or to like do this, you can't just fully let go, I guess? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did last night. Last night, the ass signing, you're like, oh shit, I need to film that, I need to be there ready because everyone's going to be talking about it. Yeah, well, we were lucky some of the social media people were there doing that so we could just enjoy it for what it was, you know, which was an incredible moment. Yeah, and I mean, sorry, I keep talking about it, but I got to go on someone's shoulders. Did you? Isn't that your first time? Yes!
Yeah, it was and I didn't with my boyfriend, like it was crazy. It's a quintessential festival experience, we put on someone's shoulders. It was quintessential, unbelievable for Lizzo, like I've been losing my mind, so like that's like a life moment that I get out of this, so that's the shit that you... Something from a movie, right? Something from a movie, man, you know, put it in a film and I'm the star. It was just, that's what I feel like festival, like that's, everyone's getting different moments of that, whatever it is, they're like in their brain, so I'm glad I got that. There was a great moment when we drove in this morning, or not even this morning, what was it, like 11.
I just thought your face was really funny, Chet, when we walked, we drove in and there was sort of two camping chairs and what looked like to the naked eye, like jackets just kind of hanging on them, but actually it was someone like mummified sleeping on it, like in the outdoor, exposed to everything, you could just see a bit of like boots at the bottom or whatever, so I remember I was like, oh yeah, and then you were quite like, I don't know, what would you say your reaction was? Um, shock, horror. Chet, you've been up for comedy before, have you, have you done the comedy stuff?
Nope, none of it.
So this is first time working at Splendour. First time working, first time experiencing it, I'm overstimulated, I'm overwhelmed, I was offered to do the comedy, I decided against it for reasons of clashing with this job and wanted to like take that info, but it's fun, I've gotten to see my comedy friends and don't have to, you know, some of the gigs can be rough and I'm glad that I didn't have to do that. Yeah, it's an interesting spot, isn't it, because obviously a lot of comedians come up, they perform within the tent, um, and you know, you get all sorts of crowds coming through where they're going to a gig or they're popping in or they're there to see you, so it can be an interesting vibe and a lot of comedians come up, right, and then they'll camp or they'll be in a hotel or whatever. It's so funny, all my friends, they're like camping and one guy was like, see ya, and got a hotel and they're all like mad at him. Um, I'm too old to camp, I just can't do it.
Yeah, I think it's a big commitment. It is. Do you know what I mean? When you're walking around, when you're meeting people, there's, you know, even like today we had, we've made these like custom hoodie things and we, I think maybe two of, one of them had stayed in accommodation, two of them had camped and that was a very clear distinction. Like one listener in particular was sort of still loading, I think, you know, and the other guy was like, yeah, pretty ready to go. So it takes a toll for sure. The party also continues.
That's a thing I think sometimes people forget is it goes out into the campsite and it goes on and on. And obviously a lot of fun happens out in the campsite. Can I say the fun that I had?
So we got back at around like one or two or something and we're staying in accommodation and I remember like I was starving. Like I'm eating so much more than I, I guess the days are longer. I'm walking longer periods to get to all the stages and I was starving and I cannot sleep if I'm hungry. The brain won't shut off if the stomach's screaming at me. So at 2am I'm like, sorry, but I need to eat.
And so the girl I'm staying with Abby Butler, who's also in triple J, she was like, babe, let's go.
We're looking up all the food places. So then we walk the nine minute walk at two in the morning in the dark thought we might die vibes, but like got to this kebab shop. There's one kebab shop and it's like a bit busy and full of like, nah, we don't want to wait. We see one further up dead as a doorknob. We walk up there.
Is that a bad sign? Yes it was babe.
But like in the funnest way we had two cooked dogs serve us. They like had music playing so they would like turn it up so like, and we said, they're like, what do you want?
And then we go, Hey, can I get a, can I get gozleme and he'd be like, no. And then, and then she'd be like, okay, can I get nuggets? He'd be like, no. And then we'd start packaging up nuggets. And then I come up and I'm like, Oh, there must be other things I go, can I get a Chico roll? He goes, no. And then he like, so he's just doing a game of saying no, but is serving us.
And then he had another guy come and like say other crazy things and he goes, sorry for my mate over here. And we're like, you're being crazy. Does any of this makes sense? So it's like a Twilight zone. There's that one guy who like, looks like he's going to vomit into his jacket.
There's like, then this girl pulls up in a car, there's no door handle. She gets out.
She's like, they're like, yes, queen. Like it's just, and the music's so loud.
And like, wasn't it a minion song remix as well? Yeah, a minion remix.
He's a bit of a sick fuck and he wants to play with people. Oh, absolutely. He is. He's working well into the night and he's got cooked people turning up. He's like, you know what?
Everyone's strung out and I'm gonna fuck with them. And he was fucking with us and, but then like I got to eat and um, it was a bit of a party time with the crazy music. I tried gabbering or whatever that is. And then we walked back and ate and watched and just like that and went and showered and went to bed.
That's nice. Obviously as independent media, we've got a tent, we're in a caravan park, um, very humble in our setup. Whereabouts uh, you guys base with the broadcaster, you got to, we're in a castle. Yeah, you got a nice little castle, Byron, Kinterland, Goldie. What are we talking? Nah, we're pretty close. It's like the Byron sort of situation. It's weird.
They split up everyone this year. Like there's sort of presenters in one spot. There's more video team and social team and another thing. So we, we have the thing we do have upgraded from last year is last year we were sharing rooms. So there'd be two people in one room.
So the beds just, yeah, yeah. Kind of that vibe. Yes. Totally. So vulnerable. Yeah. And then of course with everything else going on last year that just like made it extra interesting. But then, um, this year we kind of have the luxury of walls between separate, we're still sharing the room, but they have a like extra room. So I don't know. It's cool. It's just like, yeah, Byron, I think. Right? Yeah. It's just like right near all the like schoolies would where that would normally be, I think. Yeah. It's schoolies energy for sure. Yeah. Is there a little bit of like pinch yourself about we're up here for work, but we're staying in this castle in Byron, we're living it up, we're covering all this stuff and we're having fun. Obviously it's draining and there's, you know, you can't go out and can't miss the punters. And obviously it's not a castle. I was joking. Yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, definitely man.
Like it's, it is crazy. Like I think for many things, like whether, I mean, even just being someone that listened to triple J you'd see all the footage from splendor and stuff and you think, man, that looks like it'd be so cool. And then you're there doing it. And then, yeah, I mean, I've camped at Flanier festivals and have covered all of that, you know, just as a, as a fan of music and then to be on the other side and yeah, you are watching those sets and going, damn, it's kind of my job to, I don't know, like put this through the radio and make someone feel a way about it. And yeah, I mean, it's, it's not, it is genuinely nuts. And, um, I think that's like, that's the thing with last year, man, like not to keep going back to it, but I remember being very, very like certain that I would not, you know, people were going on Instagram and being like, Oh my God, it's wet and it's canceled. There was no part of me that thought that was a good idea. Cause at the end of the day, anyone that was posting that shit was getting probably paid to come and be there. Right. Like they weren't punters. They were like, Oh my God, like it's, it's canceled, but all well time to soak up next to the fire in my mansion. Like it, it's crazy talk. So yeah, man, people were having a lot of fun going out into the ground. And I'm like, it actually looks like it's a bit of fun because there's so much chaos going around you and it's a bonding experience.
For sure. Particularly that second day when it was like going ahead. Right. So everyone goes, sweet, let's make the most of it kind of thing. So yeah, no crazy. You know, you encourage the responsible disposal of things like tents and clothes and all that sort of stuff. But there was a bit of a vibe from people who was like, you know what, we're here. Fuck it. Yeah. Let's burn it down with us. Yeah.
So a lot of people were having a lot of fun and it was an incredible experience. Was there a communal kind of like party vibe in the triple J castle from last year? The manna? Yeah. I mean, that's the cool thing about it too is like, you know, you, you with this, this group of people that all have a similar interest and have the same kind of goal and to be able to be out of an office and out of for us, like, you know, the soundproof booth that we do every morning, like you kind of has a different energy to it and you get to sort of hang out with people in a deeper way.
I think it's like anything like being up late, doing anything that kind of bonds you quicker with people. I don't know if it's like trauma bonds you quicker, but like hard work. Did you have any like really late nights? So I feel like whenever I go to a bar in the smokers area, if it's late at night, I'm like, I'm going to hear all this shit. They're going to tell me about like, oh, I've just broken up a four year relationship. Did you have that sort of thing where it's sort of being in the campsite, as you said, trauma bonding. Were you hearing all these great stories? Man, we were, yeah, I think I remember particularly broadcasting maybe on the Thursday or Friday when there was all the cues to get in. So people were texting us from their cars, these like war stories of, you know, like, yeah, I've, maybe not war stories, but like horror stories of kind of being, yeah, we're just, we didn't think we'd be doing this, but yeah, we slept in the car overnight.
There's six of us in here and we're top to tail. It's like, that was definitely a very, I don't know, they painted a very clear picture in those texts. We were sitting there going, what the hell are we about to walk into? And they dropped like three or four vapes already. They're freaking out, they're itching, yeah.
Quick question for you, Bryce, are you still operating under Beatbox Boy 94? Yeah, look, I got to tip off that that was your MSN handle back in the day. That's what you used to operate under. Yeah, man. You know what?
I haven't been beatboxing that much because Joel Turner's back. I don't know if you've seen him on TikTok doing live streams, but he's back and he's really making waves.
Sending love to Joel.
I met him, I think it was... Is there any possibility that you would collab? Do a bit of beatboxing right now? Oh man, I was so shit. Like all I could do was like, like the, just the...
Boots of cats.
Yeah. Oh my God. No, that's how you do it.
There used to be a one where like, it was like a crab scratch or something. It was like where you had to put your fingers in this position and do like a, like a kind of like a scratching thing.
I couldn't, I couldn't ever master that, but I really, it was basically just living in a regional town and copying Joel Turner and they were like, whoa, you're great. You were just a kid trapped in a struggle. I was the only kid exactly. A modern day poet, man. No, I was so bad.
Yeah.
It was a regional town. Man. I was, so originally it was in Mooranbar, but then sort of grew up more in Woiwoi. So I had a long primary school talent quest, man.
They were begging me to do it, but I didn't, I lost to Michael Shanahan doing the worm. It's always the worm. It's always the fucking worm. Fuck Michael Shanahan with his fucking worm. The worm will always get there. It's always going to win, dude.
Do you have a party trick? Um, no. Did you have a discussing MSN name? Or did you? No, I wasn't allowed MSN.
I secretly had a Facebook in defiance of my parents and the secret alias was Connie Don't Worry with DW. Cause that was really big at the time with the Mowi Don't Worries and stuff. And then in terms of my secret talent, when I was like 14 or something, I was a songwriter and um, one of the songs I wrote was titled It's Complicated and it's all about one night stands and like being broken up with because it's like, I don't know, like 12 or 14 and it was again, like just from watching movies only from like just seeing that I was like, I just associated sex.
It was so patriarchal of like those movies in the 90s of like a man would fuck you and leave you. And that's all you can really hope for if you don't fucking marry him first.
Can we please see the songs? We've been sitting on this idea though for the show, like, we've been sitting on these scripts cause they're in a, you had a diary or something, right? It's like in a book.
Yeah. They're in a book and it's in my drawer at the triple J ABC studio. Yeah. Maybe I could give you a line. Yes. I would love that. Of course. Sneak preview never hurt.
You said it'd be okay, but it got complicated. That's the first, that's the only mental that I know the melody like in my head, like it was yesterday. Yeah. It's unbelievable. That trauma. That was the melody too. You had the melody like written out. That's exactly it. And it won't change. And I can't remember most of my childhood, but isn't it already potent and relatable? A lot of artists and DJs I feel like end up on triple J and they're, you know, music does well as a result of that. Oh yeah. I think it's Chet's time.
And I downplay my music knowledge, you know, like you're that you're more at the forefront, but I did learn the piano as a kid and I did have a natural ability. I did wing the scene. Actually, my, that was my, I could sing, I sung and like won the, the, the music competition that like, and I remember flying in the face of like all the cool girls who didn't believe in me. I won singing this really earnest old school song from a musical that I'd never heard of.
So I guess I see your future. Like is it going to be just concerto or do you have like a different name? Oh my God. And also I tried to be a DJ like before I went into comedy and my DJ name was concerto worldwide, which is my hand because I thought it'd be funny to be a touring national DJ, but you called yourself worldwide concerto worldwide. But I guess the truth is like, so I guess I really was always going to end up here and this is fate. Oh.
And what about the playlist of trivia too? We, we, we both used to host trivia separately. We didn't know each other, but um, we'd, you'd have to come up with the music yourself.
So and I, that's why I became a DJ because I would play my playlist of like fire songs and just punters would be like, give us, drop the link for the playlist. You should be a DJ. That's why I did it. It's kind of like when you have a funny conversation, they say you should start a podcast.
Yes! Literally! You should just stand up dude. You're the funniest person in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Concerto worldwide.
Look, we've seen some people over the last couple of years who I feel like, um, you know, they're not of an age to be singing about some of the things they sing about in terms of, you know, breakups and heartbreak and all that sort of stuff. But I will argue 16 year old breakups, that hurts. That hurts the most. Oh, my first love, shit.
So that's why we need to see Concerto worldwide. We need to release the tapes. Yeah, I think we will. I think we must.
I mean, you're right though. It's kind of almost like 16 is like the new 21 in terms of topics and like the way the industry just treats you as an adult as soon as you have a big song. So, I mean, 14 is not that far away, dude. Yeah. You know?
We just work on the TikTok hooks. I think if we can just get two or three little TikTok hooks out of those songs. I need a social media strategy.
Concerto worldwide.
Beatbox boy. I tried to beatbox it and didn't even get it out. Beatbox boy, 94.
Thank you very much for joining us. Thanks for coming on down. Thanks for having us. Enjoy the next couple of days. Appreciate it, man. Talk to you soon. Now, we're up to speed.
Let's jump right into a chat with a huge act most would be familiar with, Flume. And we're going to talk about his balloner roots as well as getting into some viral coverage. He received a Burning Man. I believe the poor guy has been asked this by every single interview here, but it's a fantastic interview.
Check it out. I'm so fucking excited. I'm here with Flume. And Flume, like, I don't mean to make us feel very old, but when I was 17 and a half, I lived in a first share house.
And my big thing is I had a Spotify playlist called sounds to cover the like sounds of my roommates fucking. And it was all Flume. Sounds of your roommates fucking? Like I had to have songs to cover the sounds of my roommates fucking, but I have to say it didn't work.
It didn't work.
And I was really devastated by that. That was like 2012.
That was your OG album. What did you switch it to? Surely you switch it up.
It's a bit of Slipknot, I think. Best to not be a P.O.D. I feel alive. Yeah, yeah. I've been listening to that one lately. I think on top got him absolutely pumping. Yeah.
What about holding on? Did it encourage? Holding on to the ears?
Fuck the wall? Yeah. Fuck it. Fuck the wall, you know. Have you been fucking walls lately?
Absolutely. Yeah. All the time. In between a little bit of anilingus? Absolutely. How often does this come up in interviews for you?
I know you're, she's giggling. She's totally giggling.
The Burning Man thing. Every single interview. All the time.
Apologies. I feel like this is your legacy. This is your babe.
I mean, I've never been Googled more in my life. So, I looked at the Google stats and it was like first album, second album, eating ass at Burning Man and I just rose, you know.
So, there you go. I really enjoyed all of the journos, just getting wound up about it. Yeah. Like, it's all good. Burning Man's fucking, there's a bit going on. A lot goes on there, you know. That's not the biggest, most cool thing that happens in Burning Man. That's just a little bit of fun. And I like what you did with Anilingus. It turned into that and turned into Flume performs X-rated sex act at Orgy Festival. That was the best headline I saw.
Were there, how quickly was the WhatsApp message from, how quickly did it come through?
The worst part was she didn't acknowledge it. Oh, she just never said anything about it.
Not really. So, it was even worse. You're losing it.
I love it. I mean, we eventually spoke about it, but it took a second. It was a long pause in between drinks. Dad brought it up? Did he high five you? Yeah, we chatted about that.
It was a weird family Christmas, the first one. Yeah, I imagine it was. But, yeah, you know. Family Christmases can be weird. It's a pretty natural thing.
It's Burning Man, it happened and it hasn't happened at Splendour. Can I be gross and be like, it was like the second or third day. I feel like Burning Man's a bit musty. Was it musty arse?
It's the kind of thing that, you know, it's a marathon, not a sprint. I like that. When you're on an RSC, DJing on a giant mushroom, anything can happen, you know? So, I did a deep dive into the Wikipedia of Flume today. Oh, yeah. So, I looked up Flume and the first thing that came up on Google was like a channel of water. I'm like, no, I'm in the musician.
So, I found out, did you, okay, can you confirm this rumor for us? Did you learn your, did you get into music from Kellogg's? Yeah, I mean, I was always interested in it, but then there was that Nutri-Grain and Kellogg's. They had the promotion with the CD where you could do the music. Were you into Age of Empires? Were you into that?
Who wasn't? So, I did that, like I did a few and then I couldn't get past level three. And I didn't realize that was because it was a trial version of Kellogg's music. They're like, oh, no, you can't get past.
But, yeah, it was a great time with Kellogg's. It was a great time with Kellogg's.
So, you attribute that to your success? I mean, yeah. I mean, I was like, oh, you can do music on a computer? Cool, that's great. And then I got excited about it and kind of went for that. Yeah, I love that. And then I had to ask the Burning Man, you know, that's how it goes.
If you want your kids to be internationally accepted, That's what you want. Get that cereal packet, get that CD.
Have you found yourself in this part of the world? I know you're a Forestville guy, the leafy North Shore. I grew up in like Fairlight, Seaforth. Yeah. So, the end of the Northern Beaches.
But, you know, I'm here now. I've been here for like three years. It's been nice. I mean, you're back because we missed you. You're like, I remember talking at work. I was talking to Clancy. I was like, where the fuck is Flume? He's like, oh, he's an L.A. guy now. And now you're back and I'm happy. I'm back, I'm back.
So, are you down to earth now? Like, I feel like, did you get ego when you were overseas? Huge ego, massive asshole. Now I'm here, back down to earth. The second I go back there, absolute fuckwit. Second I get back here, nicest guy sold to the earth.
Yeah, that's the thing. Australians bring you down to earth, like, that's the thing. That's it.
Second I go anywhere, asshole. Second I come back here, cool guy, chill.
You know, wholesome. And you got your dog, Percy. Got the dog, got the dog, you know.
You always have the headline set over the last few years, right? You've got the headline time slot.
What does your sleep routine look like? Honestly, it's great. I got this ring now. It tells me about my sleep. What is it? Is that like a mood ring? Yeah. It tells me about my sleep every night. I've been trying to, like, be good and just get regular sleep. What does it tell you?
Your sleep was fucked last night. No, it's been good constantly. I'm getting constantly good sleep, but I feel fucked. And I'm like, why do I still feel fucked? I'm doing all the right things.
I don't know. Does it turn a different color when you've had a fucked sleep? It doesn't.
It's always black. It's always black, yeah.
Oh, okay. How does it work, though? Like, you're doing a lot of shows. I'm assuming you're getting home late at night.
You just sleep through. Yeah, well, it's constantly like, it's fucked. Yeah, they're like, oh, your sleep's fucked. Oh, sleep schedule, blah, blah, blah.
But lately, you know, I've been here for like three weeks, four weeks, and I've been doing the right things, but I don't know. So where are you living right now?
Yeah. Really? Fire it? I drove from half an hour from my house to the festival. Fuck yeah. Okay, I have a little bit of local knowledge about the area. You mentioned Ballina. Yeah, yeah.
Ballina is a great, great... It's a city, almost. They're on the coast. It knows what it is. It's got a lot of great people around it, and it's a good spot to live. And I'm glad that Ballina can claim Flume, because a lot of people claim Byron and Byron claim Flume. We try to claim people all the time. I mean, Byron's great, but... The waves are crowded, it's busy, there's a lot of shit going on. Ballina, it's very chill, low-key.
Uncrowded waves, big prawn, you know? Big prawn.
Ballina's honest.
Byron is dishonest. Yeah. Everyone's trying to be... Byron is dishonest.
Ballina, honest. Harley, thank you so much for joining the Victoria Abigail Podcast. It's been a pleasure. Thank you.
Next up, we speak to the boys at Ocean Alley about their year post-Hottest 100, performing in their hometown and their new single that includes that pesky bird you really don't want to hear at 5am on a bender. We have the boys from Ocean Alley, Mitch, Angus.
Now, it's been a couple of years since the concert post-Hottest 100 win. One of the all-time concerts, a lot of people who've been to a few splinters said, they said it was a real crescendo. How's it feel being back, getting back into it? We're always up for a concert. Yeah, it's plenty of concerts, but this one's a special one.
Yeah, it's very much so. We're living just up the road, so it's perfect for that, but just that amputee is pretty special to play in. Nice looking up at the hill, seeing the swang. Billy Nudgell, I believe. Is that where you guys are up the road? Yeah, probably almost in the same postcode here, I reckon. Lovely old pub. It's a Queenslander. It feels like it should be in Queensland rather than New South Wales, the Billy Nudgell pub.
But are you guys on a little bit of an M.O., a bit of a commune? What are we working with? Are you all living out there? Well, we're not all living out there. That would be the commune, but nah, it's just a couple of us. So how many people is in a commune? Is there a commune and then there's coal? So you're trying to figure out what number of people living on a property does it have to get to before it becomes a commune.
We've got a band of six people. We're not all living out there, but if we were, and there were six people living out there, plus our mate down in the cabin. It would be getting closer, I reckon.
Do you have your roles? Who's the gardener? The one that looks after the children? There are roles. Oh really? What are the roles?
Oh, just there's a lot of maintenance, so he loves to be on the ride. Are you the tidy boy? I give it a vacuum inside, but not a lot. Are you? It just shows you don't even notice. He's out there on the Dyson vacuuming it up. It's just always clean when he gets there. Ah, that's what it is.
Who's the spiritual leader out there? Umm, spiritual leader?
When we see Billy Nudgell, 2040, The Siege, out on the property commune. You're down in your tent a lot of the time in your own secluded spot. That's a hard yakker out there in the tent. That is very misery. What kind of tent are we working with by the way? It's a Coleman 3 person, one of those new super pop-up ones. Is it nice? You're just staying in the tent, living there, what's it? Well, there's limited room in the house, and when the house is full of people, you know, you just... Go out to the tent? Do you like it out there? There's a lot of room down there.
I do, it's quiet. It's peaceful, eh? It's peaceful. Staying in a tent.
You boys schoolmates? Northern Beaches, Sydney? Was it all school, or what was kind of the... A lot of the boys went to school.
A few of us that did, yeah. But generally just met sort of just after school on the Northern Beaches. Just threw friends of friends and stuff, and then just started hanging out, yeah. How were those early stages? There was a little while between you guys getting together and exploding, right? What was it like playing pubs, are we talking like DY, Manly, or around Sydney? All of Sydney, and then we had his parents for Jerra at the time of the trailer, which we'd squished seven of us into. Kind of just got up down the coast, but I have pretty fond memories of that. It was just loose, not a worry in the world really. Yeah, it was like just a lot of driving and packing up and setting up for like just...
Two people. Yeah, not much return apart from just having a good time playing music together. And apart from that we didn't get anything else. And that's how all bands start.
Yeah, feels like a pretty good return at that age too, bit of fun. I imagine they loved you along the coast. There were a couple of places that were pretty fun. There were a couple of places that didn't love us.
Who were they? I don't know. Just being too noisy I think in the hotels. Any names? Any places? What are we, coughs?
No, it was the Sunshine Coast actually. I actually know the name. We haven't returned. Yeah, there's a bar near the place where we played at in Maroochydore. Sorry, Motel near the place we played at.
They said don't come back please. We're not too bad of a guys. We've cleaned up our act. Things have changed. They might have changed their tune, they might want you back now.
Sunshine Coast kind of makes sense. Being noisy, retiree belt, you know what I mean? There's a lot of people, a lot of old age pensioners there. A couple of streets back from the beach. Not liking some young fellas having a bit of fun and carrying on. In a single story motel unit like at the back of their backyard.
Have you still got that love for it? Are you still enjoying touring? Or is it a bit more structured and organised now? It's more structured and organised but I think that's why we still love it.
Because like anything you've got to try and put all you can into it. And build it and have better experiences and kind of grow a bit. And we've kind of done that just naturally. But if we were still driving ourselves around in the four wheel drive we'd probably be over it. Yeah, 100%. Surely another trip or two on the Pajero just for old times sake. Dust it off, yeah.
Unfortunately I hate to break it to you listeners but Pajero's not alive anymore. That's sad.
It would probably fetch like 70 or 80 grand if it was still alive. I sold it to Wreckers for $100 and they took it away. It was doing 30,000 k's before a service though. Yeah, it was well over to a service. Getting its money's worth. The second hand car market's been crazy over the last couple of years. 100 bucks, imagine.
And I believe if you had a question about the new song. Yes, yes. So obviously you guys had a song come down. And I assume you knew a song called Lapwing. Is it about the mask of Lapwing? Is it? Is it really? Well it's not about it but it's named after it. Yeah, exactly.
The Bender Bird. It's the Bender Bird. The Bender Bird.
You know when you've been out. Oh stop, you're giving me shivers. And then you're like oh fuck, I've got to go home.
Have you heard it in the song? At the start of the song as it fades up, if you listen closely and turn the volume up, you can hear it. Is that like the Billie Eilish, do you remember like she sampled the pedestrian buttons?
Yeah, right. So that's your one. That's ours. That's the chilling little easter egg there for people. So if I listen to it, I feel really uncomfortable. I know why. That's it, yeah. It's a sign to go home potentially if you still go on at that point in time. Exactly.
What's next for you guys after this? We head to the States. A couple of weeks. In a couple of weeks you go for a month long tour. We kick off in Austin in Texas and go all around North America. So we go up into Canada, we play in Vancouver. First time down into Florida to Orlando. Oh okay, yeah.
America's Sunshine Coast.
The Maroochy door of Orlando. The Maroochy door of the Southern, Southern Americas.
Yeah, there'll be a few noise complaints I imagine. Mind you, you say you've cleaned your act up, you know. We'll see how we go. See how you go. Oh well. Very exciting times. Enjoy the set tonight. We will see you out there and we'll see you around.
Thanks very much. Thanks guys. Cheers.
And our next guests, Automattic, are also no strangers to international touring and they've come all the way from LA and we're going to check in on their relationship with our OG Australian band, Automattic, and how they ended up popping off because of Grand Theft Auto. How you guys going? Doing great. Recovering from jet lag. Is this your second time, right, in Australia? Yeah. We were here in January. We played Sydney and Melbourne. I think that's it.
New Zealand. New Zealand, yeah.
Coming back for a bit more. How did it come about? How did the formation of Automattic happen? Was it automatic, I'm assuming?
It's a great one. It was.
I'm from, I'm Izzy and I'm from New York City and Hailey, well, they don't know by my voice. I'm Izzy and I'm from New York. Hailey, where are you from? I'm from Austin. I'm Lola and I'm from LA.
Yeah, exactly. But we all live in LA and we kind of met through the music scene. So you guys a little bit annoyed that an Australian rock band took the name Automattic in the 90s. Are you aware? We are aware, but no, no, no. It's all peace. No. There's another Automattic that has been kind of rude, but. Yeah, but it wasn't them.
No, they've been nice. These guys have been nice. I mean, there's been no words, so. Oh, that's good. Yeah, live and let live.
Oh, I don't even know what it is. We're all real Automattic. We might poke a bear if we talk about it.
There's some 70s bands. 70s in the UK.
They're great and cool, but I don't know. I think it's different. Yeah, it's different.
OG British Tongue. Just a little bit of boomer entitlement from them maybe. But you've spoken to the Australian Automattic?
No. No? I don't think so. They haven't spoken to you.
Yeah, exactly. They're chill. They're cool.
I do have a question. So Wendell and I were discussing the other day how musicians can blow up because they're on FIFA and I was going through your songs and apparently you were on GTA Online. I was looking at the YouTube video and a lot of the comments were like, oh, I was playing GTA and I found this band. You did your research. I did. How did that go about? Well, that was from Julian Casablanca. Yeah, he made a playlist and put us on. They asked him.
He has a channel from The Voids, I think. Yeah. A channel in there and that's really cool. Yeah, we just toured with him actually for a few shows. That's awesome. Have you seen random fans come through the GTA Avenue? Well, mostly just online.
I feel like they just stay behind their video games and their screens because I haven't had one in person today. They haven't told us.
They should come to the shows. Come to the shows. We need those 15 year olds.
You do. Have you guys played GTA? I have.
Over quarantine I was a bit obsessed with it. I was really bad at it. I played it. That was fun.
How are you good at it? You have little tasks you have to do.
Well, no, I'm bad at driving and life. I just run over people. I hit the curb. I can't steer.
I played it for hours waiting to find our song and then I realized that it's only on the online version.
Oh, yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, that is the thing. But I think that's a really cool, you can be like, guys, I'm on GTA Online. It's pretty iconic. It is. It's great.
We brag about it. That's your fun fact at a party. Share something about yourself.
Well, if you play GTA Online, you can find me. Yeah, hell yeah. Next up FIFA. That needs to be the Kinect. You need to get in touch with someone at EA Sports. And then it's that, you know, that waiting room music. Someone's picking a team. Yeah.
Get a bit of automatic going there. How is the touring going for you guys? Are you still at a stage where you're loving partying, enjoying traveling around? Or is it a little bit more structured and it's a little bit of a job?
We're a bunch of grandmas. Yeah, we're grandmas.
We're kind of like in that in-between stage or we've just been touring a lot. We got our party going. We're kind of like, wow, this is, we're doing a lot, but we're also kind of like, it's a lot of work. Yeah. We partied a lot the first tour and it was kind of a wreck. You've learned the hard way. Yeah. Now we're like pretty business. But we'll have like a fun night out with each band, you know. If you tour with someone. Intentional when you're partying. Yeah. At this age. Pace yourself. Who has many parts to tour with?
Well, Viagra boys are pretty fun. We love everyone equally. But they like to party a lot. Wait, Viagra boys?
Yeah. Have you heard of them? I love that note, but I love that name. Yeah, that's a good name. They sound just like their names.
I'm not sure they would love them. They would. They're really cool. They're from Sweden. You would maybe. I could get behind Viagra boys for sure. They're great.
Yeah. Amazing. We need some more music out of Sweden. It's been a long time since... Since Abel.
Yeah. Which one of those here? She switched? Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. That's all you learn? She'll be playing? Oh, yeah.
But Viagra boys for 2024. Are they the new Viagra boys?
Yeah. They can thank us. The V boys. For putting a word in. Well, Izzy, Lola, Hayley, thanks very much for joining us. Thank you so much. Enjoy the tour. Thank you. See you in 2024 with the Viagra boys. Alright. And lastly, we caught up with teenage dads who just finished their set and were ready to let their hair down it seems. Today, we have three of the most notable Dilfs. Yeah. Good say. Yeah.
In our tent. We have the boys from teenage dads. Give us a quick name check into the microphone so people at home can know who you are. This is Smoke speaking.
Hussey.
Oh, nice. And I am Motorcycle. Motorcycle. Yeah. It's that new age of just whatever name goes. Yeah.
I mean, the teachers, they hate it, but they have to put it.
No more Jennifer's or James. We want some of this new age. No more Graham's.
Just going along for the ride. Yeah. Nice. There was an age where like the Kardashians and very like pop culture based things were coming through in terms of names. But then, what's it? What's the motor course group that swept the nation?
Oh, Krusty demons. Krusty demons. Krusty demons has made a kind of a legacy appearance and now everyone's being named after that. We should have been keeping up with the Krusty demons.
That would have been fucking awesome. You know what I mean? That'd be much better than keeping up with them. What are they doing now? I'm going to go investigate. Maybe we can bring it back. Look, we've got another Dilf coming in. Here we are.
Another teenage dad. Hello. Boys, what's happening? Where are the kids?
Non-existent. Non-existent? Nah.
You've just forgotten about them. Was that when you guys hit the big time? You just left the kids behind? No, they just didn't even become a thing. They didn't generate if you will.
So a teenage dad, is it a state of mind?
They're still in my balls. They're still in your balls?
Nah. It's more of a concept. No. Be more inappropriate. It's more of a concept. Okay. What was the concept? Zounds my brow. Give it to us. I'm assuming you were teenagers at the time when you came up with it.
Basically, you're in a stadium, you build lots of dirt jumps and you get all these guys on dirt bikes to just come in, do flips and there's fireworks and stuff. And then there's also loads of dances. Spitball and names. Around. Like a circus theme. Yeah. Nitrous. So Angus came up with that concept and then some shit happened and then it turned into a band. And then, yeah, there was a weird period during COVID in Melbourne where it became an NFT and then moved into crypto and then we've moved out of it since then. We're back in the physical realm.
Did you make any money on crypto? Did you lose it all?
Depends what you're... Depends what you define as making money. Money isn't like cash. It's kind of, you know, with inflation and everything, it's kind of not worth having money.
That's true. Yeah. Currency is just such a waste of time. We actually just acquired the rights for Crusty Demons. It's more stock trading. Yeah.
Net worth. We've talked about net worth a lot.
Yeah. That does sound like a particularly weird Melbourne story. You guys are from the Peninsula down there, aren't you? Yeah. Whereabouts? Mount Eliza, specifically. Yeah.
We went to school there, but... Local school, Mount Eliza?
What do we work with? What's the name? Give us a name.
Mount Eliza. Mount Eliza High?
Secondary.
Do you guys live together? Is it a big share house? Big magical pad?
No.
We all have our own separate mansions.
Oh, that's awesome. Because of the Crusty Demons franchise. That's very port city. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you boys touring full time? On the road? Currently. As of recently. Yeah.
We went overseas. We've been overseas for the last two months. Expanding our branch for the Crusty Demons. Yeah, we're trying to tap into the new territories and that sort of thing.
Is that an American market? Yeah, yeah. Everyone says it's popular there, but it's actually not. That's why we're bringing it over. America's really like the monster trucks. But we're trying to bring the bikes in instead. And that was with Lime Cordiale? Yes, right. Are they big motorbike guys as well? No, so they're the monster truck guys. Oh, right. So it's a full travelling show you guys bring to town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, we have been touring internationally trying to make a name for ourselves over there because we've got a lot of shows in Australia coming up, but it's really exciting kind of getting over to a new audience to try. You still obviously enjoy travelling together, having a bit of fun.
You don't hate each other yet? No. Not yet.
Who do you reckon will the biggest blow up be between, like when that happens, who do you reckon is going to bite heads the most?
It depends on who wants to ride my bike without asking. Don't touch his bike. Don't touch his drum set. It's a given. Geordie's bike is off limits.
Yeah. Any plans for kids? Any plans to actually bring any around? Is anyone loved up? Anyone?
We've got a PUE 50 coming along. We are excited to announce that Kids 2 will be announced soon. The prototype's been in. We've done some tests on Kids 2 and it was a pretty big success. Lovely. Exciting times to look forward to.
Well, the Teenage Dads, that was a wildly tangential and irreverent yarn.
Thank you very much for stopping by. Thank you for having us, guys. |
dropout | outtakes_i_got_no_sleep_last_night | See That's it Should I have said any of my life Oh Know a lot of people don't get full nights sleep sack. They just fucking feel it This is a relaxing boom their text message And I'm like, oh Just kidding now I'm the best at this game No, no, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Seriously, Zach if you don't shut up, I'm gonna beat your ass and it's like Seriously man, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna beat your ass and it's like like cramps or like muscle stuff It's just like uncomfortable.
Does that make any sense? I mean and why in there like Shouldn't even try my other side. That's enough The worst part is You know a lot of Who am I It's like if CSI were like a little more charming and a little more fun Does that make any sense? Maybe I should have been unscrewing this the entire time.
Okay. There we go Grant farted I see what time it is Oh Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses Let me know how that goes |
CrackerMilk | every_man_s_dating_profile | What's that?
I'm just not getting any matches on my dating profile.
Okay, let me have a look. Thanks. Okay, you just need some new photos. Oh, okay. Let me take one right now.
Yeah, the lighting's really good here. Smile.
Where did the fish come from? I caught it. Maybe without the fish.
Okay. Yeah. Alright, three, two, one.
What are you doing? I just feel like I need to be holding something. Alright, let's try a different pose. Why don't you just lean?
Okay, there's a fish. Girls don't really want to see fish. It's yucky.
Okay, I got it. Hands down. Three, two, one. Okay, great.
That looks...
What?
Where did this fish come from? I don't know. I wasn't holding any fish.
Okay, maybe your phone is just doing something weird. Try again.
Okay. Remember, absolutely no fish. Okay, here we go. Smiling and... Okay. How is that one? No fish? Perfect.
Oh my god. I just caught another one. Quick, take a photo. There was... That's...
I don't even...
I've never caught that fish before. And the fish. |
dropout | hardly_working_hugh_jackman | Alright, he's on his way up. Now, when he gets up here, be cool. To you, he's Hugh Jackman, but to me, he's just my dad's best friend.
Oh, I wish I broke my arm last week. I'd make him sign my swordfish poster. Why would you break your arm?
Oh my god, he's here! Does this exam your school for the badass? Because your principal's here.
Jigada, Jigada, Jackman! How's it going, Hugh? Thank you. These are my friends. This is Murph and this is Dan. Dan, this is Hugh Jackman. Oh my god, I've seen X-Men like a hundred times. Thanks, man. Yeah, true story.
Patrick Stewart once brought his child to the set and I straight up struck him. I struck the child.
Definitely. Hey, man. Who are you? Uh, Dan, this is Hugh Jackman. What's up, buckaroo? Hey.
Oh, you gotta guard those prongs, son. You gotta guard those prongs.
Alright, man, you liked it. You know you liked it. I probably liked it.
You're not Hugh Jackman! Dan, you're embarrassing me. This guy's deal, man. He's coming to jokester? You jokester some shit like that? You like jokes? Is this a prank? Is he like a different Hugh Jackman? Is that the goof we're goofing around?
What was it like working with Rebecca Romaine? Oh, yeah, well, normally I don't kiss a towel, but one time I did break into her trailer with a butter knife that I stole from craft services, get under her covers and smell her stomach.
Okay, no, Hugh Jackman is tall. Australian is dark hair. Probably a lot more charming than this.
Here, I'll Google image search him. Wait. So you can apologize? No, no, no. I'll find a video, like a trailer or something. Can we, uh, can we see your abs?
Oh, my God. Why are you guys impressed by that? Oh, great. Here, X2. You earned that, right? Watch. Oh, that's sick. How much did that shot cost?
What is going on? What's happening to me?
It's nighttime, right? It's this, this is a highlighter. You see, this is a mug. You see the mug, right? Yo, bro. You been licking toads?
No, no, I know what's wrong with you, Dan. You're Hugh Jackman blind. What? Yeah, your vision is otherwise perfect, but your perception of Hugh Jackman is different than everyone else's. Yeah, I've read about this. Horses have Hugh Jackman blindness.
How did this happen? Well, what have you been eating? Sandwiches and mercury.
Okay, so not that. But he isn't even talking or behaving anything like Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman wouldn't make a webcam video of himself slapping his cheeks.
Oh, my God. It's worse than I thought. What?
Look at him. Hey, check me out.
I'm Patrick Stewart's child after I struck him. After I struck Patrick Stewart's child.
He's telling us about his charity. So for the rest of my life, instead of handsome triple threat performer Hugh Jackman, I have to see this wiener. Soak it in, chode. Hey, Dan, you're gonna live through it, okay? At first it'll be tough, but then eventually...
Oh, my God! It's Robert Pattinson! Mr. Pattinson, your car is waiting. Well, what? You think you're the shit?
Why? Because you were in water for elephants?
I passed on that, man. I read that script once, said, nah, put it next to my toilet to wipe my ass with. You think I couldn't fuck Kristen Stewart? I tossed Kristen Stewart around the bedroom like a boomerang. Keep staring at me, and you will undoubtedly get yoked up. You just got ninja kicked, son.
Oh, you want more? Come back for more. Come back for more, man. Watch this. |
Wizards_with_Guns | meeting_every_version_of_you_from_the_multiverse | So, you're all me from different universes. From the multiverse, yeah.
Oh, thank God, you found him. We need you, Thomas. And you're all...jacked. Most of us, yeah. Well, we're jacked. He's ripped. Thomas, you're the chosen.
No, we got it. We're explaining it. Explaining what?
So I'm the only one who looks like this, and in every other universe, I'm just jacked. We're not all just jacked. I'm wearing glasses. My hair's a little darker. I'm a centimeter taller, and I got a vagina. Yeah, he's the girl version. No, I just have a vagina. And balls.
What do you guys do? You like cardio? No, we're just kind of like this. CrossFit? Do you guys do CrossFit?
It's not that crazy to have a vagina. My version found a habit of trash. So I'm the chosen one because I'm the only version who's not yoked. No, because you're the version who doesn't dress as well. And has a dead-end job. And you don't have a girlfriend.
We all have girlfriends. Yeah, mine's hot. Mine, too. I'm gonna have a girlfriend. I was gonna ask out Vanessa.
No. Dude. What?
Vanessa dies in, like, all of our universes. Yeah, that's like the one constant. Why is that a constant? Why can't there be an exception? I'm the exception to all of you guys being absolutely shredded. Well, in my universe, she's brain dead, but that's basically dead.
Okay, just tell me why you're here. Well, it's important. We're on a very serious mission to defeat the most evil version of all of us. So there's something special about me? Do I have some kind of, like, special power or superior intellect?
We need a hose. What? Like a garden hose, yeah.
We don't have that in our worlds. I have no powers. Nope, no powers.
There's a hose. Yeah, the most evil version of us can't get wet. When he gets wet, he dies. But he's, like, super evil. And he's the most jacked. Is there any other version, except for me, that isn't absolutely yoked? Uh, I think there's this one who can't be jacked because he's probably too crippled. Yeah, he gets hit by a bus on May 15th.
Wait, today's May 14th. Uh, where's your hose? We're gonna need your hose today.
And I'm the Michael Stevens who looks like this. Who's that? Who are you? I'm Michael Stevens. Michael Stevens? Yeah? We're all named Thomas Weishman.
Oh, no. I'm in the wrong multiverse. Fuck. God damn it. I'm lost. I'm lost in my universe chip change drive. It's dead. It's out of battery. What is that? Fuck. That was my last jump. I have a battery. Really?
I'll trade you for this hose. Holy shit, that's perfect. Oh my god, that works out perfectly. Yeah, and I'll hold on to it so the evil version doesn't get it. Yeah, here you go. Hell yeah. Mission accomplished. Thank you. We did it, we did it, boys.
There's no water in this hose, right? Let's get out of here. My hose is better. I think it's the wrong type of battery. Can I live in your house?
It's my last jump.
I'm out of battery. My universe chip change is out of battery.
Fuck. God damn it.
I'm lost.
Ah, fuck. Give me a second. Hit pause, hit pause. It was too much. |
dropout | cash_ambulance | Bum-Sai-Nai Hospital quick please! You got it, but first, you know what that means. Husky's determined, got the way? Yes, that.
But also, it's time for Cash Ambulance, the world's second mobile game show. Sure, I'll get you to the ER, but all the way I'll ask you general knowledge questions and reward you with $25 for every correct answer.
What's going on? Mom?
Here's the catch though, it's a three-strike system. So if you're wrong, three times, we're kicking you to the curb.
Are you ready to play? No! All right, it's time for Cash Ambulance. I'm so cold. 41 blocks to go and that means 41 blocks to earn some cash. Just drive faster.
First question, the middle row of a keyboard contains only one vowel. Name that vowel. We're losing him fast. Gonna need an answer. I'm sorry, I was looking for A. A is the only vowel in the middle row of a keyboard. You're down 25 bucks, Mom, and insurance does not cover this. All right, who's ready for question numero two?
Shut up, just drive. All right, Mom. But remember, the faster I drive, the less time you have to earn some moolah. I don't wanna drive, I don't wanna drive.
We're 21 blocks away, coming up on question number two. Remember, this one's for 50 whole dollars. So pay attention, dating back to 300 BC.
This is the science and study of solid matter that constitutes the Earth. God damn it. The science and study of solid matter that constitutes- Theology is pleased.
Gonna need that answer to come out of saying it. Clear. Remember, you have one mobile shout out and a street shout out in case you think a ordinary passerby might have the answer. Clear.
I'm sorry, that's two strikes. One more strike and you're outta here. We have us outta here in six blocks. Wait, there's still time for the double or nothing. Buh buh buh buh, bonus round.
We've been a big accident. Oh God, the blood bodies everywhere. Contestants everywhere. Oh. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_14_02_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | Hello and welcome back to the Baturda News Bulletin. It's Friday the 14th of February and we're coming to you from the Budgie Smuggler booth in the heart of Baturda's Old City District. My name is Wendell Hussey and joining me once again is Desert Rock FM Stoll Ward, Bruce Hitchcock. How are you Bruce? Wonderful, thank you Wendell. Lovely to be back with you again this week.
It is a lovely day up here in the Diamantina Shire and we'll get started with politics like we normally do. Scotty from marketing turns up in flight affected area with pool noodle and Wahoo footy. Yeah, very interesting one there. Now look, some people have praised the PM.
I was a little disappointed personally, Wendell, not to see a Super Soaker 2000 maybe, you know, circa 1999 there. I think it was an opportunity missed.
Yeah, I think that could have certainly swayed the local residents, Bruce, but it is good to see him getting down there nice and early this time instead of going on an international holiday. And I think there was a nice touch from the marketing man himself with the special Cronulla Sharks Budgie Smugglers that he donned in an effort to try and appear like the relatable larrikin he wants to be. Yeah, look, he wears the smugglers well, which I think is important. And while he was there in Dolby in Queensland, he did try to steal a few handshakes from the local residents like he did down in Cobargo.
And after finally finding someone who could spare a moment from the cleanup effort from all those floodwaters, he unfortunately had to turn them down for the handshake after seeing how dirty and disgusting their hands were from all the mud and grime. So it was a bit of a shame, that one. Can't put a price on hygiene. You certainly can.
And moving on now, the devastating coronavirus is still making headlines, Bruce. There's been widespread panic taking hold of the nation and the globe at large. Plenty of people are looking to their leaders, one of whom went MIA this week. We had a big scoop on that one, and that was Healthy Harold caught holidaying in Hawaii during coronavirus outbreak. Very surprising news, Wendell. I was actually shocked by this one, but I first heard about it from a friend of mine who's holidaying over there in Hawaii, and he told me that he bumped into Harold in the dunnies there. So it was a very bizarre situation.
Yeah, and after those rumours were confirmed, many have been very quick to condemn Harold, who stated he is sorry to have caused any offence and will fly back home as soon as a plan with enough headspace to accommodate him can be arranged. Well, I personally don't think that's good enough, really, from Harold. Why doesn't he just lay down in the aisle? I don't know, Bruce. He does need to find a way home soon. Leaders need to stand up in times of crisis.
And Darren Webster, one of our readers from town, commented on the story with a different perspective, saying, go easy, folks. He promised his wife, Healthy Heather, that he'd take her and the kids to Hawaii. So he was just following through on that. And in other news of national significance this week, George Kolombaris applies to be a contestant on next season of MasterChef to restart career. Yeah, I actually hear that George has been working with producers of the show to really refine his sob story about how he was forced to pay people what they were actually owed rather than ripping them off.
Oh, that could be nice. A little bit of piano music behind it. I think that could tug on the heartstrings nicely. And there were a few comments on that story with people pointing out that we probably should have known George wasn't very good with numbers when he was handing out scorecards of 11 and 12 out of 10 on the MasterChef show. Hmm. Food for thought. Certainly.
And in some news now from our Little Western Queensland outpost, frantic 10-year-old sprints to thaw chicken as mum pulls into driveway.
Yeah, I think something we can all relate to there, whether it's mum or whether it's your partner. I certainly, as a 29-year-old man, can relate to this story. It gives me chills just thinking about it.
Now, I mean, I'm just quite interested in the methods used to thaw the chicken because I've obviously made the mistake of just putting it into hot water. Yeah, I've stuffed that one up a couple of times, Bruce. And I was quite impressed with this little 10-year-old. What she actually did was she put it in the microwave for 30 seconds to warm it up and then ran it under some cold water to make it look like it had perspired. Wow.
Unfortunately, her family did get a bout of diarrhea the next day and it's not sure whether the unorthodox defrosting process had anything to do with it. But her mum still doesn't know that she hadn't defrosted per her instructions, so she got away with it.
Well, what the eyes don't see, the heart don't feel. But in this case, the bow certainly do.
And some motoring news this week, the BA Falcon is being urgently recalled after late-night backstreet traction control issues. Yeah, they're all being recalled, apparently, after multiple reports of traction loss in quiet backstreet settings. You know, your industrial estates and incomplete residential developments. Yeah, this comes after some consultation with local police and their Battuta chief constable said, time and time again, we get called out to reports of a vehicle doing so-called burnouts, donuts, skids or drifting in isolated areas. However, when we get there, the driver explains they were just minding their own business, legally driving through a deserted area in the middle of the night when suddenly their vehicle unexpectedly loses control and skids all over the road, sometimes for an extended period of time. So obviously, they're very concerned about the issues with the car and they've all been recalled.
Very scary stuff. And on that note, that is the end of the bulletin for this week. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of honest, hard-hitting regional news.
Until next time, I'm Wendell Hussey. And I'm Bruce Hitchcock. |
TheOnion | Hot_Kids_Teachers_Ep_2 | Teachers, Wednesdays at 8 on the Onions Family Channel.
Isn't it cute? That is so sweet. Isn't it funny to be teaching kids and realize that one day they're going to be adults? Like these little miniature men and women just running around the school. It's amazing.
I always look at my students and think, one of you is going to be a doctor or one of you might be president. Oh, totally. Do you ever look at a kid and know they're going to be hot? What? I mean, well, you can tell. Once a kid gets to be around 8 or 9, you know whether or not they're going to be good looking.
It's not creepy. It's not like I'm attracted to a kid. It's natural as humans that we qualify things. Good, bad, right, wrong, hot, not hot, so hot. I don't think we should be talking about this. What is the big deal?
In 2002, I totally called that Hermione was going to be super hot and now look at her. She's in a lot of magazines. Yeah, she's an adult now and you said those things when she was a kid. It's a time of innocence. We shouldn't be sitting here talking about our students' looks or judging how they will look in the future.
Yeah, but don't you want to know? Know what?
Who you should be nice to now because they're going to be hot later. I have this boy in my class who is like movie star good looking and Sarah, if you're nice to him now, in 20 years he just might remember his favorite teacher and donate some of his movie star money to your favorite charity.
This is ridiculous. Who is it? Sarah! I'm not telling. Yous are being real judgy. Please, for the snow leopards. No, I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's disgusting, remember? You have to tell me who's going to be famous so I can get them to save the snow leopards. No.
It's Kenny Samuelson, isn't it? I know it is. Kenny Samuelson is the hottest kid in school. Hi, Kenny. Hi, Ms. Cannon.
I heard my name. Did you need me? No, no, no. It's recess. You should be out playing. Kenny, have I ever told you about snow leopards? |
dropout | the_irrationally_long_number_pi_song_sweet_number_pi | Hi honey Mommy just wanted to hear your voice Hey hon I just want you to know That I love you And I believe in you And I want you to stay in school 838-65-875-3320 838-1420 She's my number pie Please make us help let me off this ride How long do you need us to recite?
Somebody call 911 Take me to the hospital |
SaturdayNightLive | dying_wish_saturday_night_live | We now return to the 1956 closet. Angels in the Trentons.
Captain, are you all right? I'm shot! Oh God, I think I'm dying. Captain, No!
Yes, it's true. I'm not going to make it private. can you deliver a message for me? of course, Sir, anything. Tell my wife I love her. I will tell her on my honor. Tell my son. Yes, Captain.
Tell my son there's no Santa Claus.
Are you sure you want me to do that, Sir? Yes, you must.
And explain to him how sex works. maybe someone else should tell him this stuff. I'm dying. Private. I can see the light. Okay, okay, I'll tell them. you rest easy, Captain. one last thing. Yes, Sir. Tell my son that a cripple isn't a full human being.
What? Why?
It is my final wish. Promise me. I promise.
And tell my wife's sister I love her. her sister? more than my wife. Make sure they both know I love her more than my wife. maybe I should get a pen and paper. they're so cold. so very cold.
Here, Captain, take my jacket. tell my son that you killed me. me? please. I think it will give him some closure. Captain, why would I kill you? I wish Private.
I've been hit! Nobody, Captain. am I gonna make it? it doesn't look good. Can you do something for me? Anything. Please, tell my wife that I'm working late. but you're dying. she'll never let me live this down. Now I'm dying. one second. Lieutenant!
I want you to write a letter to my Congressman. A letter?
Yes. tell him there's a pothole on Dumont Street. it's gotten so big they should call it Dumont Crater instead of Dumont Street. Okay. Private! back to me. What is it, Captain? I want you to put the sod and dance around for me. I'm not gonna do that. Okay, it was worth a shot. Listen. I want you to dress up like a doctor and tell my brother he's got cancer. Trust me. No! it'll be hilarious. Private Scott! Yes, Thomas?
Tell your mother, She's so fat. She doesn't have a lazy eye. She's got a rib eye. My mother? Yeah. And tell her she's so fat. The zoning board called and said if she plans on gaining any more weight, she's gonna have to install a second butthole. I'm not gonna tell her that. Please. tell your mother that she is so fat.
That's all. Just please.
Please tell her that she's fat. Private Scott! Tell your mother she's. What? What? that she's fat? She's. Captain! Okay. I'll tell her. I'll tell my mother she's fat. |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_jamie_lee_curtis_and_eddie_murphy_are_having_a_baby_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Jamie Lee Turner. No, Eddie Murphy and I did a movie together called Trading Places. So when I knew I was going to host Saturday Night Live, I sent Eddie a telegram to sort of ensure that he'd be here. And the telegram said, dear Eddie, I'm pregnant. the baby is yours, and the whole world will know it on February 18 when I host the show, unless you're there and do a sketch with me.
Well, guess what? it didn't work. I haven't seen him all week. he hasn't been in rehearsal. So I guess I have no sort of option but to say that, ladies and gentlemen, Eddie Murphy and I are Oh! did you tell him yet? Well, not exactly. No, no. should we announce it together? announce what? maybe.
Eddie, it's a joke. You see, Eddie, I sent you this wire so that you would know how much I wanted to do a sketch with you, and that's all. No, we already did something together, you know. now we're going to have a little beige baby. Eddie! sorry, no, no. You see, Eddie, we never did anything together. Eddie Lee Curtis. Eddie!
I remember every single thing that we spent.
No, you don't. But see, because you're blocking it out. that's that black, white woman thing.
No, no, no, Eddie, I remember every single second we spent together. Oh, but it took longer than the second. No, no, okay, Eddie, Eddie.
Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. if we did it, where did we do it? how did we do it? how was it? Refresh my memory. you want to do it again? no, no, no, no, Eddie. it's not going to be again. it will be for the first time. that's cool, too. You want to do it now? we're going to go do it, and we'll be right back. Good. we're going to do it. Enjoy! |
TheOnion | rep_nelson_proposes_the_gary_nelson_personal_pay_raise_bill | Over the past 15 years, the cost of living in this country has increased 9 percent, while real income has remained almost stagnant, almost the same. Now, I can stand here and quote statistics all day, all the time, but instead I want to tell you a story, a story about a man who lives right here in Washington, D.C., at least he does for 130 days of the year. Now, this man isn't a hero in any kind of a traditional sense. He's never leapt into a burning building. But this man works hard every day to support his family, and in my book that makes him a hero. That man is me. Now, this man right here takes pride in his work. He didn't go after the big bucks, and believe me, he could have, but rather chose to do something he really believed in, serving his country as a member of this branch, the legislative branch. It is for this very fact that it's made it difficult for this man to maintain the standard of living to which he's accustomed.
Now, isn't that a crying shame? I think we can do better for me. We have to do better for me.
That is why I urge you to pass H.R. 529, the Congressman Gary Nelson Salary Adjustment Bill of 2007. As you will see in the riders to this bill, the encouragement doesn't have to be limited to an increase in salary.
It could also include a lot of things, tickets to a sporting event, a gift certificate to a nice steakhouse here in the D.C. metro area, a car, a skiing pass, skiing clothes, skiing boots. My family loves to ski.
This year alone, we approved $276 billion in tax breaks for corporations and $36 billion for small business. But what have we done for the simple, working Congressman from Connecticut? If this legislation helps just one family, and I guarantee that it will, then we as Congress will have done our job. |
cracked | 10_fallout_4_easter_eggs_you_probably_missed_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex war never changes the gaming announcement of the year or or at least my year I happen this week the fallout 4 trailer is here This trailer is packed with revelations and I'm just the superfan to point out 10 fallout 4 Easter eggs You probably missed that dog in the trailer is of course dog meat a pooch Any superfan will recognize from fallout 1 fallout 3 and a special encounter in fallout 2 the music we hear in the trailer is It's all over but the crying a song sung by the ink spots the group That's saying I don't want to set the world on fire from the fallout 3 soundtrack the trailer opens with a cinematic shot That's an homage to the fallout 1 intro and then of course it jumps back and forth between a pre-war world and a post-war world That looks real nasty But at least the dogs okay the dog meat characters appearance and name or an homage to Mad Max's dog in the road warrior And of course a more indirect reference to Harlan Ellison's a boy and his dog now There's a part in this trailer where dog meat fades out and a pre-war robot fades in that robot is actually the mr Handy that ruins your birthday cake in fallout 3 the game's clearly set in Boston and hopefully includes great Boston landmarks like Peter's Park Castle Island Beach Charles Gate dog run and other locations listed as dog friendly on bring Fido calm at the end of this trailer The vault dweller speaks before leading dog meat into the nuclear wasteland All over again Even though it's full of super mutants or death claws or or whatever the fuck as you talk about this trailer people may not get where You're coming from if they're a non gamer or a non dog lover or a monster not to be redundant with the second thing it's like how many times do I have to watch a German Shepherd get eviscerated or cancer or fun fact a sick day can be for mental health purposes and I will be back when I'm done playing through the game successfully and I'll see you then okay anyway Thank you so much for watching and if you'll excuse me, I'll be playing a certain game as soon as I download its Tba It is it's it's coming out Tba so I Can wait?
Guys thank you so much for watching and please tell a friend to subscribe to this channel the crack channel Especially Chris When was the last time you talked to Chris?
Yeah, you don't know tell them to subscribe to the channel They will watch the videos then you'll have something to talk about then you'll reconnect then you'll talk more and more Suddenly Chris is a groomsman slash bridesmaid at your wedding.
You're welcome |
dropout | hardly_working_zombie_bite | Oh dad, I can't believe I have to kill Kevin!
That wasn't your fault. That wasn't Kevin anymore. That was a zombie. We all saw it. Yeah, no part of him was still alive. Look at me. That wasn't your fault.
So, we've been in here about half an hour. You guys want to play Cranium? Yes! Alright you guys, I was able to fight them off. The barriers should keep us safe for now. Here you go, right? Yeah, I am. Okay, so does anyone have any food or water?
We've got the Cranium clay. Dan, if we eat the clay, we can't play Cranium.
Oh, god. That's right. Jake! Yeah?
What are you looking at? Nothing.
Did one of the zombies bite you? Me? No, I have a scratch.
Okay, listen, I've devised a plan to divide the clay evenly. It's a simple logarithm.
Jake! What? Jesus!
Are you sure you didn't get bitten, man? Very funny. Are you doing that thing they do in zombie movies where you go out and you get bitten and you come back and you don't tell anyone and then later you eat one of us? No. Good. Okay, so if you aren't bitten, don't turn around slowly and look at your wound. Fine.
Alright, he's definitely infected. Pat, you're going to have to kill him.
Hey, man, come on. Jake is the one who went out there already, risked his life, don't know... Jake! What? I'm fine. You're saying he went out there to protect us, okay, by fighting off the zombies and I... Hey, come on! They're not teeth marks, man. I know, I'm just saying that he went out there to protect us and I, for one, commend him for his bravery.
Thank you for him, not only for me, but from this guy, from Pat, from Dan, and they... Okay, yeah, I was wrong. Pat, kill him.
Okay! Hey! One second! Just one second!
Damn it, Dan! It's Flubber! ohl! God!
I don't know, is it?
I... I'm sure you could have been a bit more creative to me. That's a good point. I did. |
cracked | why_aren_t_we_talking_about_octopuses | Don't let the news fool you. Octopuses are not aliens. Octopuses are from Earth, okay? And calling octopuses aliens actually undersells their freaky awesomeness. Earth has some standard intelligent creature construction rules. And octopuses break all of them. Because they're invertebrates.
They have short life spans. And their brains are decentralized. Octopuses are born with a crazy array of weapons. But their brains are their mightiest defense. The majority of their neural processing power is spread across their tentacles. Which literally have minds of their own. And they laugh at prisons.
Next time you're at an aquarium, think of the Octopus exhibit as an ongoing prison escape movie. With the aquarium's keepers struggling to contain nature's ultimate self-shawshanking escape artist. Because octopuses can use tools, can solve puzzles, and can exploit even the tiniest gap in an exhibit. One full grown captive octopus slipped to freedom out of a 2.5 inch by 1 inch gap. And then wandered its building all night, running around on its tentacles. Because oh yeah, octopuses can take themselves for walks.
Some go on land to hunt crabs. Others even hike to a whole different body of water. Because they're sick of the one they're in. And maybe because freaking humans out is the funniest prank in the world. |
dropout | cyber_sex_monday | Wow, you guys look busy. Hell yeah, we're busy.
Cyber Monday. Oh, right. There's supposed to be a bunch of great sales today, right? I just, I can't get over like the blatant consumerism. No, you idiot, not Cyber Monday. Cyber Monday.
Oh, no. Cyber Sex Monday. No. Ooh, I want a cyber. Oh, yes. Cyber ASL. Stop it. You sexy idiots. That's not what Cyber Monday is. Of course it is, Raf. Have you heard the word cyber used in any other context for like the last 10 years? No, I'm right here. This isn't about sex. It's about online sales. Yeah, it is.
It's the time of year when businesses take so much off. That's not what I meant. Ooh, 20% off? 50% off? Oh, yeah. Take it all off. Ooh, look at these prices go down. I love watching them go down. Oh, my God. That's so crazy that they discount like that. Stop doing that.
Yes, cyber. Yes, cyber, cyber. Yes.
No, no. Usually we get bucked hard by big corporations, but this is the one day a year we get bucked softly. Oh, that's really sweet. It's gross. No. You can't actually get off on this. Of course we can. I can get off on anything.
It's about erotic language. I tell them what I want and they give it to me. And this little corporate whore tells them everything, age, sex, location, credit card number, shipping preferences.
Save it for the keyboard. Maybe I will.
What does that mean? Ooh, yeah, cyber. So you're cybering with businesses? Yeah.
I'm all over this clothing company right now. My shopping cart is just a list of the things I'm not wearing. Oh, my God.
This is stupider than Daddy's Day. Daddy, what? Daddy, yes. Daddy, no. Not this again.
Grab your missing out. Stop. I found a hot little item and with just a few keystrokes, it's coming.
It's coming. Oh, yeah, it's coming. It's going to come. It came.
Oh, God damn it. This is awful.
I could get it again if you give me a second. No. Loosen up. Don't you want to cyber a little? Yeah. Come on. It's Cyber Monday. That's what this day is all about. Going online and finding some dumb little thing. Thinking about how much you wanted. Oh.
You're going to mess up your computer. Getting that exciting rush, just imagining holding that big old package. You know you shouldn't be doing it. But you want it so bad. So bad.
Oh, the tension waiting for it. Then the release. And then the deep sense of regret once again. Cybering is so good. Okay. I think I'm going to work from home today. Oh, yeah. Raph's going to get nasty.
He didn't even take his laptop.
What did that mean when you were like... What is the keyboard thing? Is someone going to sign for this?
He is fun. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun things.
And send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help.
Oh, that's really sweet. It's gross. No. You can't actually get off on this. Of course we can. I can get off on anything. It's about erotic language.
I tell them what I want and they give it to me. And this little corporate whore tells them everything. Age, sex, location, credit card number, shipping preferences.
Save it for the keyboard. Maybe I will.
What does that mean? Ooh, yeah. Cyber. So you're cybering with businesses? Yeah.
I'm all over this clothing company right now. My shopping cart is just a list of the things I'm not wearing. Oh my God.
This is stupider than Daddy's Day. Daddy, what? Daddy, yes, Daddy.
No, not this again. Raph, you're missing out. Stop.
I found a hot little item and with just a few keystrokes, it's coming. It's coming. Oh, yeah, it's coming. Oh, it's going to come. It came, Wikipedia.
Oh, God damn it. This is awful.
Oh, I could get it again if you give me a second. No. Oh, loosen up. Don't you want to cyber a little? Yeah, come on.
It's Cyber Monday. That's what this day is all about. Going online and finding some dumb little thing. Thinking about how much you want it.
Oh. Yeah.
You're going to mess up your computer. Getting that exciting rush, just imagining holding that big old package. You know you shouldn't be doing it. But you want it so bad. So bad.
The tension, waiting for it. Then the release. And then the deep sense of regret once again.
Oh, cybering is so good. OK. I think I'm going to work from home today. Oh, yeah. Rap's going to get nasty.
He didn't even take his laptop.
What did that mean when you were like, what is the keyboard thing? Is someone going to sign for this? He is fun.
Please, please help. Please help. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stefon_on_summer_s_hottest_tips_snl | Despite recent security worries, millions of tourists are expecting to pour into New York this summer. here with some tips for out-of-towners is our City Correspondent, Stefan. Hi. hi. Stefan, are you okay? I'm good. I've just been up for three days. Okay. now, Stefan, the last time you were here, you ended up recommending some very bizarre places, and I just hope that, you know, tonight will be different. Yeah, no, I'm all about different. Yeah. mm-hmm. okay. great.
So, Stefan, let's say someone's in town for the weekend and wants to have some fun. you know, where should they go? If you want fun, then listen to this. New York's hottest club is Slice. club promoter Gay Leota is back, and this time, he's gone crazy. Jump in and join a dance party where you'll see twinks, gypsies, grown men in wedding dresses, a cat from a bodega, puppets in disguise.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. puppets in disguise? yeah, you know, it's that thing of when, like, Alf wore a trench coat so he can go out into public. Oh, sure. yeah, that common thing. No, Stefan, I'm sure anyone interested in that kind of thing will go check out Slice, but I. you know, I and I think everyone here was looking for places that really say, you know, New York culture, like the Met or the Guggenheim. do you have anything like that? Okay, great. Well, let's hear it.
New York's hottest club is Taste. nightlife designer Tranny Griffith is back with an all-new club that answers the question. huh? Don't look for a bouncer. there isn't one. instead, the door is guarded by 10 jacked homeless guys in old-fashioned bathing suits. And inside, it's just sick. ice sculptures, winos, germs. germs?
German smurfs. of course. a teddy ruxpin wearing mascara, an old lady with kid-and-play hair, and none other than Dj Baby Bach Choy. Stefan, Who is Dj Baby Bach Choy? He's a giant, 300-pound Chinese baby who wears tinted aviator glasses, and he spins records with his little ravioli hands.
Stefan. Stefan, First of all, no, you're doing great. Okay. you're doing great.
But I need you, you know, to help me out, or at least meet me halfway, because I need normal places, and specifically, places where families can go. So, really, you have the whole city to play with. New York City. Yes. So, if you could just, you know, tell us some places that would be appropriate for, say, like moms, dads, kids, and, you know, if there are any places for people like that. Yes.
New York's hottest club is Slash. Oh, no. this place has everything. glass, steam, bear traps, and just when you think the fun is over, knock, knock, who's there? it's black George Washington. all that in a party room filled with human bath mats. What is a human bath mat? it's that thing of when, like, midgets have dreadlocks and they lay face down on the floor. Well, I'm gonna try to wrap this up. Stefan, Stefan, we asked you here tonight to tell us about some New York summer fun spots. mm-hmm. And then you came out here, I just want to recap what happened, because you came out here, and then you told us things that sound like nightmares of a crystal meth addict.
Accurate. Yeah, it is accurate.
But I have to say, Stefan, I know you honestly want people to have a good time, so I'm gonna give you a pass. Yes, Stefan! Stefan, Everyone! Oh, come on. All right. |
cracked | 4_video_game_plots_better_than_most_movies_yboc | Hey there nerds, it's me, your protagonist, Dr. Jordan Breeding, and today I'm attempting the impossible. I'm gonna talk video games and hope that people actually watch, since last time I tried this, it resulted in my worst performing episode, even with the hard drives Jeremy Caplewits. What do you freaking gamers want? There's a crisis going on, and the gamers, they're upset.
You want Elden Ring? Shit. Is that the only content you crave? Well then why don't you grab a mood veil and cut at me, bro? No shame in it. Sorry. Video movies are my usual lane, so I'm gonna talk about a bunch of obscure video games from when I was a kid, but explain how they're objectively, scientifically better, plotted, and more interesting in most modern films. Also, I suck at Elden Ring, I'm more of a Rainbow Six guy, but really, I'm more of a sex guy. I'm out here having the sex, I don't play games, I play sex games. You are maidenless. Shut up.
Second Sight is a science fiction action stealth video game about mind powers from 2004 that's unfortunately been buried in video game history by the science fiction action stealth video game about mind powers from 2004, PsyOps the Mindgate Conspiracy. To be fair, PsyOps lets you brain surf on top of the corpses of your enemies while firing machine guns, so I get it. And you get it too if you watch my other damn video game video, damn it! Alright. Second Sight was developed by Free Radical, the developers behind the greatest video game of all time, Timesplitters 2, and initially, the game starts off like any classic garden variety amnesiac superhero origin story, it's a tale we've encountered a million times. On the low power end, we've got Jason Bourne realizing that though he doesn't know his own name, he does know that he can run extremely fast and eat like 15 pancakes in one sitting. On the high power end is Captain Marvel, which I feel a little uncomfortable making fun of because I don't want to appear to agree with some of the worst people on the internet but thankfully, they're probably not watching this video because it's for gay gamers.
Oh no. I don't want to reward this crap at all. I want to see how the movie does. I want to see if we actually have an impact or not because I'm not sure if we will.
But okay, so a parapsychology researcher wakes up in a lab with no memories and slowly developing powers like telekinesis and invisibility and the ability to huck air bubbles into dudes' crotches to death like a more lethal peripheral-free version of that airzooka we used to drive substitute science teachers insane with. And as the game progresses, the protagonist of Second Sight experiences flashbacks to a Pentagon-approved mission that led to the deaths of his entire squad and ultimately his capture. Again, pretty similar to Captain Marvel and Jason Bourne flashback to some doomed mission with explosions and bullets and sad little children and all that shit. But the crazy twist in Second Sight is that somehow the skills the protagonist learns in the present can be utilized to affect his pre-powers past. For example, he reads a report about how the Russians attacked and killed the scientist his team was hoping to recover, and then in a flashback, he uses this information to save said scientist, which in turn causes the scientist to suddenly be alive in the present. Even Wilder, at some point, he manages to bring his mental powers with him to rupture dude's junk in the past. By itself, that's already an interesting experiment in mental time travel and a bit more intriguing than Jason Bourne realizing, oh, I killed people good now, but I used to kill people good in the past.
I wonder if I'll remain good at killing people in the future. You know, I can't tell you that. What a twisted web of killing and motorcycle chases we weave. That's not even Second Sight's bonk-er-ist reveal.
See, the final twist is that the protagonist's flashbacks are actually the present, and the present is actually just one possible future reality that adjusts to his actions in the real present. The main character had parapsychological powers all along, but the first one to develop was his ability to see into the future. But he didn't know he had this ability, so his view of time got thrown out of whack. He's actually developing penis-bursting powers in the present, which then naturally gave him dick-popping powers in the future, rather than the other way around. Even better, all his fellow soldiers that he originally believed were dead can actually be saved thanks to his ability to snoop around in the future and determine how to avoid their untimely, possibly wiener-centric, demises. It's a fun double twist on a relatively standard premise and a great way to introduce a new character's abilities while still giving us a fun, twisty plot to keep things interesting and provide context for why you be busting all them nuts.
The latest movie versions of Venom portray the symbiote as evil-ish, but Tom Hardy's character is so friggin' nuts himself it never really feels like the two are that much at odds. Sure, sometimes Venom kills things unprompted, or makes Hardy eat yucky stuff, or the two might say mean things to each other that sound lifted from a rom-com script and lead to disputes resolved just as easily, but while that makes for a good nap in the cool dark of a theater once the novelty of a grown man hopping into a lobster tank for no reason wears off, there's not really a lot of dramatic tension. Obviously they're gonna work together to beat the shit out of Woody Harrelson, who wouldn't? We know their predictable relationship struggles only exist to kill time until the inevitable, CG-enabled, vomit-inducing, action-packed finale.
By contrast, the darkness offers up a similar premise in that a normal dude is impregnated with a sentient, malevolent force that allows him superpowers. This darkness gives our hero the confidence to believe in himself, and also murder a thousand mobster goons in creative ways as part of his quest to get back at the head mobster who tried to assassinate him, and that alone lends itself to several cool, gory action beats that wouldn't fit in a PG-13 Marvel movie, but then things get really twisted. When the mobster captures the main character's girlfriend and threatens to kill her, the darkness, who to this point been extremely helpful in that way that a nuclear bomb is really helpful in committing war crimes, physically restrains the protagonist in place so he's forced to watch his girlfriend murdered in front of him. This darkness is well-named, me thinks, but it's also just the beginning because watching his girlfriend's brutal demise doesn't sit so great with the main character, so he kills himself and wakes up in hell. That just so happens to look like a World War I-style trench warfare scenario, but also includes the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, so it's one of those bad hells. In there, he meets his great-great-grandfather who admits it's his fault our hero's infected with his darkness, and then the hero somehow comes back to life, finds the main police captain working with the mobster, and then blows himself and the captain up, sending him back to hell again, and then he comes back to life again after negotiating to deal with the darkness to enact his sweet revenge, but with a caveat that with each life he takes, he'll be closer to permanently losing control to the darkness. This creates a much more interesting dynamic now that the thing that gives him power is also the things threatening to destroy him. He gets his revenge, but ultimately he literally loses his soul.
Tell me that's not more interesting and complex than four hours of this. The first Riddick movie, Pitch Black, largely succeeds because of its small scope and unique hook. A small group of spacefarers become trapped on a planet experiencing a triple eclipse, which allows a bunch of evil bats to come out and eat everybody. Their only hope is the crazy prisoner of the group who can see at night and presumably spends his free time racing muscle cars. Genius.
Then all the later movies tried to build out a bunch of lore and world-building and about some ghost army. They mostly sucked. What they should have done is adapted the video game Escape from Butcher Bay that serves as a prequel to the first movie.
Riddick is delivered to a Supermax security prison on a prison planet with a sci-fi, and what follows is an absolutely pitch perfect movie plot. Using Smart's brawn and eventually night vision enabled eyeballs, Riddick manages to escape from each prison level almost. In Single Max, he instigates a full-scale riot, but is captured before he can get all the way out and is thrown into Double Max, which he also manages to escape thanks to some newfound sort of magic powers until he's captured again and thrown into freaking Triple Max, where he's perpetually medically rendered unconscious except two minutes a day and stuck in a cryo chamber. And somehow he manages to escape this too, which, you know, granted, it is a prequel. He's got to get out at some point. Yes. But what's intriguing is watching Riddick wriggle out of increasingly complex situations, using only his cleverness paired with his blood-stained knuckles.
Just like the first movie, it's cool, it's contained, and does a fantastic job of hinting at an entire galaxy's worth of interesting religious sci-fi mystery without forcibly explaining everything to us. For example, we sort of see how he gets his magic eyes, kind of, but it's a bit vague, a bit mystical, and apparently has nothing to do with metachlorians?
fuck! Actually, I've changed my mind. I need another prequel where we learn that Vin Diesel's eyes run on tiny worms in his blood. I don't even care if it's a Fast and Furious movie, and I actually, I demand it.
I live my life. A microscopic life form that resides within all living cells. Alright, in a lot of ways, this twist mirrors the second sight one, but it's still worth talking about because I've decided it is. And I'm the god of this world.
And also, because even though most Star Wars fans agree that Gene Roddenberry's The Empire Strikes Back reveal a baby Luke Skywalker hatching out of one of Chewbacca's eggs is the series' greatest twist, I daresay it's Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic that featured the much better constructed reveal. Yeah, even better than when J.J. Abrams took that massive bong hit, revealed Palpatine very much gets down with a get down. Somehow Palpatine.
fuck! Am I right? And you know who agrees?
George Lucas, probably. And not just because he's an abolitionist. I sold them to the white slavers that- When talking about the making of Gene Roddenberry's Empire, Lucas bluntly admitted the big twist that Luke originated in Darth Vader's metal groin only came as an afterthought. By contrast, the devs at Bioware revealed that Knights of the Old Republic was built with the goal of unexpectedly groin-punching players in the feels from the outset. Evisceration works well, electrocution and blunt trauma also work well. And that big reveal hides masterfully behind classic RPG shit. You start a long, long, long time ago, as in 4,000 years before the movies, as an amnesiac tasked with finding a bunch of J.J. Abrams mystery boxes before the new Sith Lord, Darth Malek, who's just usurped his Darth Master. He's Darth-ster.
So when non-Jedi characters start talking about the true power of the Force like this- They say the Force can do terrible things to a mind. It can wipe away your memories and destroy your very identity. Players assume the game's just hyping up the cool-ass powers they'll get to use on unsuspecting enemies later on. And even though the powers you do get do slap- I could spend decades slaughtering. You never quite get a hold of anything quite as mind-altering as characters suggest as possible. Because the game's just suddenly dropping hints as to what's really going on. Like how Jedi Master Grumpy Grumpster isn't too sold on the idea of training your character despite you being super good at rolling Nat 20s.
And okay, I'm about to tell you what's going on, but this game is a bit less obscure than the others. And the second game in the series was just recently re-released, and a remake of the first is on the way. So if you want to wait and play it right now before I reveal all, here's some motivation. And that cool? Okay, here she comes.
As it turns out, the reason why the main character has no recollection of his prior life is the Jedi erased his memory in an attempt to reform him, for he was Darth Revan, the aforementioned presumed-dead Sith Master Lord and clear inspiration for Kylo Ren. Traitor! It's a Bioshock level twist because it forces the player to re-evaluate every decision they've made throughout their playthrough. Knights of the Old Republic is one of those pick-your-path games where you decide whether to choke or hug orphans, and the plot changes to reflect those decisions. But whereas pre-twist, those choices mostly came down to how shitty a date Jordan hadn't had, and how much he wanted to torture hapless space people because his coffee was cold. Poke's twist is a character's unaware struggle with who they were and who they've become after a morally dubious mind pillaging.
This is the movie they should greenlight next, not whatever most recent trilogy they've announced and then canceled before just commissioning another 10 episodes of The Book of the Jizz Elephant. And I guess this is as good a time as any to reveal twist! Dave is now my superhero sidekick, and yes, his name is Jizz Elephant. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_The_US_Election_The_Melbourne_Cup_Local_News_More_November_6 | Welcome back to the Matuda Advocate Weekly News Bulletin as we wrap up this chaotic week in world news. You thought coronavirus and bushfires had everyone on the edge of their seats. What about this election that's come down to the wire? You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of the Matuda Advocate and of course Afternoon Clancy, what's making news this week mate? Mate, there's a lot going on.
Sleepy Joe and Donald Trump are going toe to toe, there's a few battleground states that no one expected. Wendell Hussey? We will start off over there and the President, who was initially elected with less votes than his opponent, now claims the system is rigged. Yes, this is all unfolding as we go to air but the President of the United States Donald Trump is still claiming that the system that put him in power is completely flawed and skewed against him. He's saying that they are trying to steal this election off him, despite the fact the very same electoral setup got him in the White House with a smaller percentage than his opponent back in 2016. Yes, he's also still demanding that they stop counting votes in Georgia, Pennsylvania and so on where he is ahead but keep going in Nevada where he is behind. He hasn't had much luck with those calls understandably and there was a comment on that story from Scott Walker that racked up the likes. He said guy who thinks they'd have less virus if they stopped testing also thinks he'd win if they stopped counting.
And some local political news now and Peter Dutton has claimed that he saw Kevin Rudd poking needles into fruit at the Rocklea markets in 2018. Yes, of course this has nothing to do with that whole petition with half a million signatures on it but Peter Dutton has been rolled out by News Corp to now try and link the former Labour Prime Minister to the needles and fruit scandal that rocked the nation in 2018. Kevin has yet to respond to these allegations so we'll let you know if he does. The Herald Sun have also claimed that Kevin tripped horse Anthony Van Dick that died in the Melbourne Cup a few days ago and insinuated he may have been behind the second outbreak in Melbourne. He's all over the country is Kevin.
Now down there in Melbourne there was a story we broke that was. Melburnians get yet another public holiday after having 112 days off straight. Yes, it was the Melbourne Cup this week which means the good people of Melbourne got to enjoy another public holiday barely a week after they got a day off for the AFL grand final. The Melbourne man probably most deserving of a day off Daniel Andrews said that this year has been hard for the people of Melbourne so rather than sending people back to work because they can't go to the races they can just stay at home and punt away their stimulus checks. And there was a comment on that one from Grace Hagenback which was similar to a lot of angry Melburnians and she said how great is working 12 hour days through a 112 day lockdown unable to do anything other than work and then being told we've been on holidays by you Batutah, still too triggered for this to be funny.
Oooh, snowflake march? It's only news Grace. We just report what's in front of us Grace.
In some local news from here in Batutah now a local groom-to-be would honestly be fine with Viennetta as the cake. Yeah this local bloke Brad made the foolish mistake of suggesting a few Coles Viennettas would serve the purpose of a wedding cake for his upcoming big day. Yes weddings are obviously a very expensive ritual these days and I certainly can see where he's coming from but you are asking for trouble when you make comments like this.
And in some sports news now to round out the week the New South Wales blues have demanded a recount of the state of origin score. What a game that was from the brave morons and since then the whinging southerners have demanded a recount of the score and threatened to take the decision to the Supreme Court. And as New South Wales man Bradley Scott Fitler reckons because they were ahead early on and then all those late points coming in for Queensland were fraudulent and the results should be recounted. Wayne Bennett has yet to comment on that he just gave reporters an icy glare when they asked the question.
Anyway that's all for us here for this week thanks for tuning in and we'll talk to you again next time with all of the biggest stories from our humble regional newspaper. Farewell. Have a good one guys. Look out for yourself. |
TheOnion | Is_Using_A_Minotaur_To_Gore_Detainees_A_Form_Of_Torture | I'm Juliana McKinnon, filling in for Clifford Bains, who is vacuuming.
This week, the military began closing the controversial labyrinth, which for seven years housed the brutal Minotaur they used to interrogate terrorist suspects. But Congress and the American people are still demanding to know who will be held accountable for authorizing the Minotaur maze. Well, I can tell you that right now. No one should be held accountable because the use of the Minotaur was necessary. Yeah, so forcing prisoners to wander in an infinite labyrinth, living in fear of being torn limb from limb by the Minotaur may seem harsh to some people now, but you have to remember what it was like after 9-11. That's right. That's why a hungry half-man, half-bull kept us safe from the terrorists. Look, recently released classified memos show that many of the suspects held at this facility suffered serious psychological damage because of the labyrinth's constantly shifting walls, not to mention the dozens who had their spines added to the Minotaur's spine pile. I work for the Bush administration, and this is the fault of the media.
They have blown this whole Minotaur issue out of proportion. For one thing, the Minotaur is only 11 feet tall, not 20 like is commonly reported. Whether the Minotaur used one razor sharp axe or seven, the terrorists would do a lot worse to you. They'd drag you up the side of a mountain and have your bowels pecked out by griffins. We could use griffins, but we don't use griffins, and I think that's what separates us from them.
That's exactly right. The Obama administration has released some photos of these etchings, which were found carved on the labyrinth walls. I mean, I don't see what the debate is here. These etchings clearly prove that the interrogations constituted torture. I think they'll prove anything. No, that's right.
And even if the Minotaur did act inappropriately, and I'm not saying it did, the United States cannot be held responsible for its actions because it is a beastly Minotaur and no chains can bind it. And you know, frankly, I think it's sad that now the words never-ending labyrinth of pain are synonymous with the errors made by one loose cannon Minotaur who, yeah, admittedly went too far. I mean, the fact is that this maze violates the Geneva Convention, which prohibits the use of any bovine monster who wields an ax and has teeth longer than nine inches. Every terrorist out there is now going to be trained on how to resist talking to a Minotaur while he disembowels him with his razor sharp nose.
Now you want to tie the hands and hooves of our interrogators even further? Come on, look, there's got to be a federal investigation here.
Well, the Minotaur himself has some interesting suggestions on the topic in his new tell-all audio book. I believe we have a clip from the controversial section where the Minotaur talks about Dick Chaney's personal involvement in building the maze. |
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