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dropout | hardly_working_bug | Give me a bug. A bug?
Troy, get back, Sarah.
You okay? No, I'm not okay. You just destroyed my computer. How am I supposed to work? You're hysterical. I'm not.
Get Sarah a glass of water. She's all bugged. She's freaking out. God help us.
Where is it? Don't worry. I killed it.
Sarah's in shock though. Not in shock. You're such a trooper, Sarah.
Stop touching me, Pat. Jake didn't even kill the bug.
Oh my God. Guys, come on. This is the bug. Sarah, I need you to be calm right now, okay? I have a plan. Booyah, man. One bug zero. Are you guys kidding me? I was gonna return that, you idiots. And that bug is still there. Sarah, be calm. Jeff! There it is. Alright, I've had it with this bastard.
Let's take this thing out. Not from us. Pause us!
It's hopeless. The bug has won. Jeff, nobody won.
Shoo, shoo. See? Let's fly over to the printer. That thing can fly? Not for long. Let's roll, boys. What?
Honestly, the bottom line is that we're just wasting way too much money. I mean, new pieces of office equipment. Those should last more than like a couple days. No, I totally agree. And we're not wasting any resources. Have you been watching Wall Street? We're talking about expenses here. I mean, this isn't how a business works.
People are making comparisons to the Great Depression. People are saying it's not a recession. Like, this could be a depression. Sorry, you said you were depressed.
Jesus, Sam. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_arcade | Welcome to Bleep Bloop, I'm Jeff, this is Pat. We are at Arcade UFO in Austin with the owner Ryan and this was the winner of Stridegum's Save the arcades campaign. Arcade UFO is home to some of the most cutting edge new arcade games. Many of them imported from Japan and many of them very challenging. And you can tell because the players are so intensely focused they cannot wait for us to shut up and leave. So I look around and everything here is very clean and well lit and uniform and are you sure Ryan we're in an arcade? Yeah we are.
That's actually because I modeled it to be very much like a Japanese arcade. I was in Tokyo for about a year as a study abroad student and during my time there it seemed like there were arcades on almost every... What video game were you studying? Street Fighter III Third Strike.
This is DJ Max Technica. Ryan, this is unlike any game I've ever seen before. What is going on here? Well this is a Korean touch rhythm game. The premise is that much like Dance Sense Revolution or Guitar Hero you are pushing notes to a rhythm as a meter goes across the screen. The unique thing about this game is that the entire game is controlled by a touch screen. It's like I'm playing guitar here with my fingers. In other news, Pat has been playing Guitar Hero incorrectly for the past few years.
The sad thing is this actually pumps it to a techno house in Denmark. So right now we just missed the lamest rave ever. Sorry Denmark, we're even now.
You know what you did. I noticed there's already a cred in the machine. Jeff, I just found the funnest game. The object was to get like a yellow stream into a white bowl without splashing it all over the place. I did very poorly. When we walked in here, Jeff claimed he was the greatest Super Puzzle Fighter II player that he knew.
As he always does. It just so happened that Ryan is also a player of this game and has a copy of it here. So they're going to play each other one-on-one. And I think it'll be a pretty evenly matched.
Ryan, how many international gaming tournaments have you been to? Oh, six or seven. Jeff, how many have you been to?
I have not been to any international gaming tournaments, but once I beat my friend in Street Fighter II and I was using Zengief and he was using Guile and I had spilled soda on my controller so I had a sticky strong punch button and I beat him like four times in a row. In what way are Japanese arcades better than American? The main thing I like about Japanese arcades over American arcades is that a lot of their fighting games are head-to-head mode, which means as opposed to like an old-school American arcade where you sit elbow-to-elbow with your opponent, at Japanese arcades you sit on the opposite side of your opponent.
How do you punch your older brother's arm when you're mad at him for beating you if he's not sitting next to you? Usually we stand on top of the stool and yell at the other person instead.
Video games and sitting down have always been good friends, but you usually don't get this abundance of seating at an arcade. Why is that? Well, as opposed to an old-school American style arcade where everybody stands up, the Japanese style arcade cabinets are specifically designed so that you can sit down at them. Yeah, go ahead, go on. And you know, be arm level with the actual game itself. Now where are the arcade tables for our nachos? Saving the arcades is probably the single most important cause on the planet today. If you want to do your part, go to savethearcades.com and get ready for Save the arcades round two, coming in 2010. |
SaturdayNightLive | gym_call_snl | Girl, I am hurting right now. I'm taking up Battle Ropes class at this high intensity training gym and this morning's class was so brutal. wait, ugh, I left my bag at the gym.
I'll call you right back. Hello? Hi, is this Shred Zone gym? Yeah. oh, okay. sorry, I was confused because businesses don't usually answer the phone with just hello. who am I speaking with? Oh, me? right, I meant what's your name? Uh, I'm Brett. do you want to sign up for classes?
No. Oh, cool. Bye.
Oh, no, wait. hello? hi, I just called, I think I left my bag there this morning. have you guys seen it? it's a cross body? Oh, we're a full body, Jim. no, the style is cross body. it's a Lulu Lemon Bag. I haven't seen a bag of lemons today. I'm sorry, Lulu. my name's not Lulu, it's Tracy, And Lulu Lemon is the brand of the bag I left at your gym.
Hello? Okay, is there someone else I could speak to? Maybe? Yeah, I'll transfer you to Keith. please hold, Lulu. Jesus. Hello?
Hi, Keith. Oh, hey, my name's Keith too. no, sorry, my name's Tracy. I'm hoping you can help me. Oh yeah, no doubt, Keith. are you trying to cut or bulk? neither.
I left a Lulu Lemon Cross body bag there this morning. it's the color Salmon. Wait, salmon's a fish though. it's also a color. the color salmon is the color of a salmon. wait, stop. No. no? yeah, because like a dog isn't the color dog. right, because dogs are different colors, but salmon aren't.
Hello? Yeah, I'm still here. I'm sorry, can someone check if my bag's there?
It was super expensive and I don't want someone to take it. because like, you wouldn't say that like, apple is the color or apple, or that like, you know, orange is the color. Oh, hell no. Okay, your brain broke. can you just transfer me back to Brett? Oh yeah, no doubt, Keith. oh my God, that is too loud.
Hello? Keith, you're supposed to transfer me to Brett. Oh yeah, for sure, one sec. Hello? all right, hello? hey, who's this? Keith, who's this? oh, it's Brett, what up? Oh, what up, Brett, sick. What up? wait, where's the girl? Oh my god, guys. Hello? hello? hello? hello? is this Keith? yeah, what's up, Brett? hello? hey, how you doing? hello? hi. hello? I'm not, hello? is this Keith? yeah. what up, Keith? what's up, Brett? Hi. wait, hello? hello? hello? hello? hello?
You know what? is there a woman there I could talk to? Oh yeah, no doubt. hey, miss, would you mind talking to this lady? oh, nevermind, I'll just buy a new bag, Bye. All right, Mikey. Oh wait, whose light pink bag is this? you gotta put it in a cubby. Wait, oh, I left my bag at the gym.
I'll call you right back. Hello? is this Shred Zone Gym? Yeah. Oh, okay. sorry, I was confused because businesses don't usually answer the phone with just hello. who am I speaking with? Oh, me? right, I meant, what's your name? I'm Brett. do you want to sign up for classes? No. oh, cool. bye. Oh, no, wait. hello? hi, I just called.
I think I left my bag there this morning. have you guys seen it? it's a cross body. Oh, we're a full body, Jim. No, the style is cross body. it's a Lulu Lemon Bag. I haven't seen a bag of lemons today. I'm sorry, Lulu. my name's not Lulu. it's Tracy, And Lulu Lemon is the brand of the bag I left at your gym.
Hello? Okay, is there someone else I could speak to, Maybe? yeah, I'll transfer you to Keith. please hold, Lulu. Jesus. hello? Hi, Keith. Oh, hey, my name's Keith, too. no, sorry, my name's Tracy. I'm hoping you can help me. Oh, yeah, no doubt, Keith. are you trying to cut or bulk? neither.
I left a Lulu Lemon cross body bag there this morning. it's the color Salmon. Wait, salmon's a fish, though. it's also a color. the color salmon is the color of a salmon. wait, stop. no. no? yeah, because like a dog isn't the color dog. right, because dogs are different colors, but salmon aren't. hello? yeah, I'm still here. I'm sorry, can someone check if my bag's there? It was super expensive, and I don't want someone to take it. you wouldn't say that apple is the color apple, or that orange is the color.
Oh, wait, hold on. no, okay, your brain broke. can you just transfer me back to Brett? Oh, yeah, no doubt, Keith. Oh, my god, that is too loud. Hello? Keith, you're supposed to transfer me to Brett. Oh, yeah, for sure. one sec.
Hello? oh, wait, hello? hey, who's this? Keith, who's this? Oh, it's Brett. What up, Keith? Oh, what up, Brett? sick. What up? wait, where's the girl? Oh, my God, guys. Hey, hello? hello? hello? hello? hello? is this Keith? yeah, what's up, Brett? Hello? hey, how you doing? hello? hey, where are you? Hello? hello? I'm not, hello? hello? is this Keith? yeah, it's Keith. what's up, Brett? what's up, Brett?
Oh, sick. Wait, hello? hello? hello? hello? you know what? what's been there I could talk to? Oh, yeah, no doubt. hey, miss, would you mind talking to this lady?
Oh, oh. never mind. I'll just buy a new bag. Bye. Oh, all right, Mikey. Oh, wait, who's light pink bag is this? you gotta put it in a cubby. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_dr_ruth_adams | To be a 1980s yuppie, did you have to qualify as a wanker first and then just work your way up? I think some people identified as yuppies but it was also, I think, used as an insult in the 1980s. I've seen footage of yuppies holding filofaxes and mobile phones.
Are they still in that footage? Where are they now? Well, they're 30 years older now, so.
So they're not in that footage anymore? Well, that footage is historical, so. So if you look back at that footage, it'll just be empty? No. Because that person has now left? No, the footage is a recording of what happened in the past, so the footage stays the same but those people, we don't know what's happened to them. But what of the filofaxes? What happened to them?
Was the 1950s real? Yes, it was certainly real. Are we sure? Because it looks like it was made up when you see it. It's all men in hats and housewives smiling in kitchens. Were those people real and was all that really happening? Well, a lot of that is what you see in advertising.
It's the 1950s, a time of great change. The war's over, the NHS has been founded, the coronation's on TV, Mario 64's redefined the platform game for a new generation, and Anthony Eden's prime minister. How did Britain feel about these things? Well, I don't think computer games had been invented by the 1950s. The other things, I mean, the population was pretty positive about the coronation, that was a cause for excitement.
Anthony Eden perhaps less successful with the Suez crisis. What was up with the Suez? Did someone try to flush something that was awful? No, the Suez Canal. The canals used to be Suez, that's disgusting. No, no, Suez, it's a place.
Oh, right. Why do people say Elvis Presley appropriated white music? They don't say that. What they do say is that he appropriated black music. He was a white man that sang music of black origin.
Did he have to apologise on social media? No, because there was no social media then. Why doesn't Elvis apologise now?
Because Elvis is dead. So he's appropriated dead people's lifestyles now? What a fucking thief.
Why do people in old films move so fast? Is it because it was their first time on camera so they were nervous? Or because it was a silent film so they couldn't hear the director yelling at them to slow down? It's to do with the frame rate of the cameras was different than to what it is now. So it's our fault, we're playing it back too fast and the actors are having to speed up to make sure they can get all the story in before the end credits. They must be panicking. What happens if they can't keep up? Would the film cut to a room the actors aren't in yet? Just footage of an empty room? The actors are going at a regular speed. It's just the speed of the playback that makes them look like they're moving very quickly. Could we communicate with the actors in the film and tell them that it's all right that they can calm down? No, they'd all be dead by now.
Were miniskirts actually shorter? Or did they just appear that way because people's legs were getting longer? They were actually quite a lot shorter and they got shorter as the 60s went on. Was there a miniskirt for men? You know, like trousers that just stopped under the balls? No, there wasn't a miniskirt for men.
That seems like a shame. For whom? For men, so they didn't feel left out, you know. And it must be nice to have that sort of air circulating.
Why was it so dangerous to show Elvis from the waist down? Was he naked underneath, like a pervert on a zoom call? He wasn't naked. He moved his hips around a lot in a very sort of sexual manner. And there was a lot of anxiety that young women might be a little bit too turned on by Elvis. People were prudish back then, weren't they? If they saw his penis, they'd probably have a stroke, wouldn't they?
Probably. I don't think that would have made it onto the miniskirt. I don't think so.
That's not a joke. What's funny about that? If they saw his penis, they'd have a stroke. That's no laughing matter. We're talking about people's lives here. |
cracked | f_k_batman_why_gotham_would_hate_the_caped_crusader | Yo, yo, lotta rappers come out talkin' about growin' up was rough and whatever I'ma tell you about my hometown right now, here we go Yo, will you real jeans who bleed Compton?
You'd need to feed in the streets of my hometown Gotham You'd get blown to flotsam, it's not some soft-so-big-city bullshit Like Metropolis, home and host of the Kryptonian milktoast to boast a list of infinite powers At all hours, all we got's a nocturnal rich dick With a fetishistic love of bat-shaped bullshit Who likes to recruit kids so we can watch him do flips Well, the Joker takes pot shops for kicks that usually miss It's a dark night, isn't it?
Yeah, but it's a hard-knock life If you're average Gotham citizen Fizz on his businessmen tryin' to make a livin' Forced to squabble over corners with the likes of super villains Who are dutifully pursued by a wack dude in a bat suit Swings down from shadows and rafters to harass you And ask you questions about a mad haberdasher If he thinks you're holdin' out, you'll batterang Hang your ass from the 40th floor, yo No, he won't cap a bitch, but else we'll make you shit your drawers Though let it run and stick you rivulets up your torso Sick only more so Six hours later, the 5-0 inform you you can file a complaint Are you batshit insane, man?
It's obviously Bruce Wayne Who the hell else can afford a bat-shaped plane?
Guess if your dad made bank, then you can't take blame Yo, Batman Batman And his nipple havin' him suit The man The man The man Who won't arrest a wick dude Batman Batman Batman And his nipple havin' him suit The man Come on The man We say The man who won't arrest a wick dude You snow him cold Cause he slung bullets that are witnesses you rolled past him RDA got his head dipped in acid He didn't retire or lay low He said Fuck it Grabbed a sidearm and started robbin' banks Riddle me this Ever seen a penguin blow itself to bits I mean to smithereens on Christmas Eve Well, you and your wife and kids were waitin' in a line To trade a book of food stamps for baked beans Man, please Your hook was a breeze Compared to my block I often rock to glock Cause we got stalked by a scared crow Who fed on our shocked thoughts Can you say the same?
No, somehow I thought not Considered for a second the effect of Batman In the long run Stirs up a hornet's nest But then he won't swat one We need a cat that can get the job done Stop rooting, start executing like a shotgun Not fun, but what's the point of a vigilante Who gets his bat panties in a bunch Whenever push comes to shove He shoves them into Arkham Asylum Buddy, may as well take all their charts And file them under E for escapee Seems to me they hang around for a week or three Then suddenly they break free I'm sick of wakin' up to a newspaper headline That reads Mr. Freeze escaped to plan another caper Guess who's gonna stop him Your favorite caped crusader I forget it, man Call me a hater, but Batman, Batman, Batman And his lip will have a new suit The man, the man, the man Who won't arrest a rich white dude Batman, Batman, Batman And his lip will have a new suit The man, come on, the man We say The man who won't arrest a rich white dude What?
Yeah, hey I'm Michael, I'm wacky And I end all the videos So boopie do Check them out Subscribe I don't know some fuckin' bullshit They're making us do for the YouTube channel This computer is nothing |
dropout | cupid_is_out_of_work | Well this sucks. It's Valentine's Day and thanks to all these stupid online dating sites and social networks, nobody needs my help anymore. I can't stay up here any longer. I'm starting to get a little lonely.
Right, Cloud Girlfriend? What's that, Cloud Girlfriend?
If I purposely break up all those couples, then they'll need my help to hook them back up again? That's a great idea. Okay, I'll be back. Don't forget to take Tool for a walk. Man, for the world's greatest matchmaker, I am desperately lonely. Oh yeah, this is going to be good. Man, I may have had a little too much fun doing that. Alright, time to get them back together.
Okay, just one more stupid couple to go. Oh crap, I'm out of arrows.
This looks like a job for the love bomb. Just get this, put this in here, dump some of these in there. Okay, here we go. Now for the cherry on top. Huh, something about this doesn't seem all that safe. Hey, I'll just put some more condoms in there.
Oh, well that didn't work. Sorry guys, I tried to...
Oh, well it looks like my work here is done. Boy, you guys are really going at it. Here's an extra box of condoms on the house. Watch out for those thorns. Alright. Another successful Valentine's Day in the books.
I can't wait till Cloud Girlfriend hears about this. Huh, I should probably go to a hospital for that first. |
cracked | movies_secretly_told_from_the_perspective_of_one_character_after_hours | OK, Katie, Michael, Daniel, and the gang. Soren makes four, Ren. Tammy, Tamini Halls of Medicine.
She knows her name. It's called a memory palace. She'll get it. She called you name-sy, guy. You want it so badly, it's distracting. This is supposed to be our cheers, where everyone knows my name.
Really? I always got more of a diner from Seinfeld vibes. Exactly. Kramer, Elaine, George, and Vince from Entourage for some reason.
I don't know any of these other people's names. What's her name? I don't know.
By the way, Boston bars are full of people that just want to fight you because you think you look smart in those glasses. It only looks like cheers to the drunks in the bar.
Oh, there's this theory that courage, the cowardly dog, is actually just the normal world through the eyes of a dog on a farm. That's why it seems like they live in the middle of nowhere and all the monsters are mailmen and vacuum cleaners, people who aren't the dog's owners.
Cheers could just be a dive bar through the eyes of Cliff and Norm and Frasier. The drunks at the bar.
Where everybody knows your name, they're always glad you came. Gemado, the movie. It's all from multiple perspectives, so we get all the different points of views, but it's the same story. We know what a Rashomon is. This would be, we would do a list of them.
Cheers works. Everything drunks would like to believe about their lives is true inside of Cheers. They only get funnier and easier to be around the more they drink, and their nagging wives may as well not exist.
Yeah, but they fully acknowledge that they're avoiding their family. Doesn't your wife ever complain that you never spend any time with her?
Would you?
And it's hilarious. In Cheers, Lilith is the frigid wife that you hear about in every bar joke about a sexless marriage, but everywhere else, Frasier is an objectively terrible husband and father. The theme song is about going to a bar and drinking enough to forget about your worries.
Where's that piano man? Both. Piano man is.
Yes, they're sharing a dream, they call loneliness. But it's better than drinking alone. And Cheers is. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away? Piano man could just be a sober guy describing Cheers.
Everything smells like stale beer. The people are all drunk and lonely.
And Paul. Paul is a real estate novelist. Real estate novelist isn't a thing.
And the reason you haven't had time for a wife is the same reason you're still talking with Davey, who's still in the Navy. Quit lying to yourself. Man, and the Cheers song is just Cliff and Norm being like, woo, everybody knows our name. You never make no noise.
Just the drums at the end of the bar putting bread in the jar and screaming for him to play another song, even though he's clearly already doing that. P.S. I bet the people who work here are fucking. Sam, telephone call. I'll just tell them you're breaking in on their wages. New challenge. Rash them on off that doesn't make me want to kill myself.
Pulp fiction is two roughly 48-hour periods told from three different perspectives. So the first is Vincent's story, where he finds the briefcase, gives it to Marcellus, and then takes his wife out.
Vincent is also the one who equates foot rubs with sex. Eating a bitch out and giving the bitch a foot massage ain't eating the same fucking thing. It's not. It's the same ballpark. And that happens to be the story that includes the classic Tarantino shot, just camera fucking Uma Thurman's feet.
And second story then is Butch's, and it takes place the day of the fight and then the next morning. Yes, days or maybe weeks after. Marcellus refers to it as the night of the fight at the bar when Vincent and Jules walk in looking like a couple of volleyball players. That explains why me and Vincent are awkward when they see each other in Butch's locker room. Yes, and then the third story just cycles back. It's the first 48 hours again?
Yes, but from Jules' perspective. So we're seeing the things that are important to Jules. The guy with the hand cannon completely misses them. Jules thought that was a miracle, and it's the first thing we see when he's telling the story. Vince skipped it. Right. If Vincent were recapping the day to a friend, he'd probably say, said some cool shit to Jules about Europe and foot rubs. Saw a neat light in a briefcase.
A bunch of annoying shit happened. Guy in a tux was a dick. Took some heroin. The world became a French New Wave movie. Almost killed my boss's wife. Went home. Jerked off.
Their whole look and dance from Jackrabbit Slims was ripped right from the French movie, for which Tarantino has named his production company. And Vincent just got back from France. Wait, is this square dotted line thing that he does? French New Wave? No. That's from a cartoon, but it actually is very fitting for Vincent. Vincent wants to be cultured, but he's always missing the point. Everybody, he coolness is a rubbery. He goes to France and eats at McDonald's. OK, so when Tarantino steals a shot from another movie, it's actually just one of his characters who's a fan of that movie. You know, the logic of that actually fixes Adam Sandler's character in Punched Your Uncle Love being a fallen Superman.
Blue suit? Super strength? An unbreakable handle, finally.
When are those two going to f*** already, huh? Now fly. Yeah, and he literally leaps off of a second story balcony hands first.
He's a solid theory, but there's just as much wonka in there, right? He gets the real power of flight from winning that chocolate pudding sweepstakes. That blue suit is totally wonka. It just makes more sense if it's all happening inside of the brain of a person who likes Superman and Willy Wonka and is losing his mind.
Hey, speaking of independent films made by directors named Anderson who like to do creative things with subjectivity. And at the end of the day, isn't that what we're always really talking about? Wes Anderson. In the beginning of Grand Budapest Hotel, a little girl is reading a book that's narrated by a person 20 years in the past about something that happened 20 years before that, that he heard from an old man about something that had happened to him when he was a child. It's like nesting Rochamans. Truly. I've been working on a theory that all of Wes Anderson's movies are actually written by that melancholy little girl in Moonrise Kingdom.
She sees her dad, Bill Murray, get cheated on by her mom. And then she grows up to be Margot Tenenbaum. And then she marries and cheats on a guy that looks exactly like her dad.
Have you met someone else? Does that timeline work? Sort of.
In Moonrise, she's 12 and 65. And then in Tenenbaum, she's late 20s, early 30s, in what looks like a 70s impressionistic version of New York. Then in her early 30s, the love of her life either dies or they get divorced or something. And she becomes a melancholy teacher in Rushmore.
She's just mixing and matching real experiences. And all the characters have faces from people that she knows. In both Tenenbaum's and Rushmore, she's attracted to Luke Wilson. So there must have been some Luke Wilson-looking guy in her real life when she was writing these. But she always ends up with Murray. He's her dad, her husband, and the man she's having an affair with. And in Rushmore, she says that her dead husband had a crazy obsession with Jacques Cousteau. So when she finally sits down to write her fourth book and stops ripping off Salinger, she makes him his own hero.
What are you talking about?
Bitch got some daddy issues. Bitch got some daddy issues?
Is that really what won the argument today? No, I'm pretty sure Cheers was the best. I mean, yeah, it came first. But that doesn't matter. A lot of conversations start with the best point.
Cheers and Saved by the Bell, right? Both theme songs rush you through a sadder, more stressful world than the one in the show. Cheers theme was about people making their way into the world today, getting off work, and deciding not to go home to their horrible families. That reality doesn't matter because everyone's already drunk by the time that show starts. Saved by the Bell's theme song is about a kid missing the bus. I want it just in time to see the bus fly by. Which, I guess, is the high school version of crippling alcoholism? No. I mean, Saved by the Bell just zooms through Zach's whole day.
It starts with him getting woken up by his alarm in the morning. I wake up in the morning. The alarm gives out a warning.
Yeah, that checks out. And then the other bell is the bell at the end of the day, saving him from school. Riding low in my chair, she won't know that I'm there. If I can hand it in tomorrow, it'll be all right. It's all right because I'm Saved by the Bell. Yeah, that checks out, too. The bell that he's talking about in that part is the bell at the end of the school day, the one that's saving him from school.
But Zach rules Bayside. Why would he want to be free? Because he doesn't actually go to Bayside. That school only exists in his mind.
In the first season, he went to a really realistic middle school in Indiana, where he got seized and got in trouble all the time. Those timeouts that freeze the whole world don't even exist in the first season. I mean, he's not even popular. And Miss Bliss busts his ass any time he tries something.
So of course, when he dreams, he's going to dream that he's the big man on campus with this gullible principal who wants to be his friend. But that all happens between the bell at the end of the school day and the one that wakes him up in the morning. That bell is sending him home to dream Bayside into existence.
That makes him so profoundly crazy. Yeah. He's a sociopath. So cheer's still won, huh? Oh, yes, absolutely. It was a valiant effort, though. I think this is just how normal conversations go. Really, you're just going to shit on Zach like that? I know, Soren, you don't feel that way, right? Soren, that's his name.
This whole time, you've been trying to come up with it. Well, I built what's called a memory palace. I call that idea a Michael. Thank you. I think we should. How will we remember that, though?
Pop fold?
OK, cut. 22, he's from the top. Action. OK, new challenge. Rashomonoff, that doesn't make me want to go.
I stare-drink the camera. The character from his movie who is a fan of that other movie. Throwing so many movies there.
Let's just touch our faces for a while. We could do that better. I'll see what I can do.
The theme song is explicitly about going to a bar and drinking until you forget about your worries. Piano, man.
It's not Paris, it's France. He visits France, and he's in Paris. Paris is in France.
Capital. Really? It's actually Sacramento.
He has a love interest named Lena Lenore. That was her sound, anyway. She becomes the Moncola teacher in Rushmore. Do you remember that movie? Rushmore? Bitch got some daddy issues.
Ah. Bitch got some daddy issues, ah. That's what won the argument today, ah. Ah. No. Ah. Sure. This side won. That's too bad. |
TheOnion | Solo_A_Star_Wars_Story_Producer_Points_Out_All_The_Cameos_Made_By_The_Film_s_Kickstarter_Donors | I'm a driver, and I'm a flyer. I waited a long time for a shot like this.
Hi, I'm Stephen Randall, and I'm one of the producers of Solo, a Star Wars story. This movie follows Han Solo's early days in the Star Wars universe. I could honestly say it could not have been made without our amazing fans and all of their donations to our $300 million Kickstarter campaign, which is why it was so important to us that we give them something in return and offer cameos to as many donors as possible. Take this scene where Han encounters Kira for the first time. While Han is surrounded by countless extras, none of them are really actors. That's because the first 800,000 people who contributed to this crazy little idea of ours were guaranteed cameos in the film no matter what they gave.
These guys donated $10. These stormtroopers donated $5. This pirate is Ron Howard's Hollywood uncle, so he chipped in $50. It seems small, but it really adds up.
Okay, here we see Han meeting Lando for the first time, surrounded by his crew of aliens. This sequence was very expensive to shoot, which is why all of these characters were played by donors who reached the Friends of Chewbacca tier. Not only did they get to be in a scene, but if you look closely, their names are also engraved on the Millennium Falcon.
Pretty cool. And this is Tobias Beckett, Solo's mentor. Originally, Christian Bale was going to play Beckett.
He donated something like $750K. But with just two hours before the donation window closed, the role ended up going to Woody Harrelson, who donated more than $2 million to our campaign. And thank goodness he did, because otherwise we would not have reached our funding goal. At that point, Lucasfilm would have had to surrender the $298 million we'd raised back to Kickstarter, and the film never would have been made. Thankfully, though, our fans came through and kept Star Wars alive for at least one more movie. And we couldn't be prouder. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_seducing_women_through_chess_saturday_night_live | Chess. for centuries, it's confounded men and aroused women. tonight, I'll teach you how to stay three moves ahead. Welcome to seducing women through chess. there is no greater joust of the mind in the game of chess. each move represents thousands of choices, made or unmade. And the game, much like the mind of a woman, is a dance of seduction. Checkmate. damn it! Chess. a game as ancient as it is mysterious. knight takes rook. bishop takes pawn. and king takes checkmate. No! Checkers. a game of seemingly simple insight. But did you know that checker wisdom is the key to a woman's heart? especially when it's her first time. Your move, my dear. hey. the game of Jenga. eating glass. most chicks can't do it. so if you can, that might be attractive to them. Hey. hiring of prostitutes. it's a tradition as old as time. the rules are simple. you give them money and they are seduced.
Five thousand. What? I only have like 60 bucks. Oh, you stabbed me!
Dying. I'm dying. And I never made sex to a girl. Goodbye, mother. Checkmate. |
cracked | 5_reasons_homeland_is_the_most_sexist_show_on_tv_with_snl_s_noel_wells_today_s_topic | Ah! Check it out. James Bond marathon on Turner Classic this weekend. We could wear our pajama tuxes. Like I need a reason to. Pass. Oh, and by the way, I'm not available for sleepovers in my gym jams. Fine. You know, James Bond is sexist tripe anyway. Maybe. You said a homeland marathon. Ha! Ah! No.
Homeland's depiction of women is way more sexist than James Bond. What? Carrie Matheson is basically a working woman stereotype in a misogynist's world.
I'm gonna get you a bit more at a van to settle you down. I don't need to settle down.
It's just as archaic and sexist as Bond's boobs and explosions. But without the boobs. Invents me.
What makes Carrie such a good CIA analyst? She's obsessed with her job and she sees danger when nobody else does. I think you're working for Al-Qaeda. So she has a strong, sometimes illogical intuition and she has to work very hard to prove its value to her male counterparts. You can just as easily say she's great at analyzing because of all of her experience in the field. Except that her male counterparts who are just as seasoned never get those hunches. And every time she has a hunch, the only way she can prove her unsupported theory is to defy her superiors and put the entire operation in physical and legal jeopardy. She spends more time on illegal wiretaps than she does executing her regular duties.
How is that any different than James Bond going rogue to kill a bunch of commies? Because Bond isn't crazy and Carrie is.
That's why they fired her at the end of the first season. When you couple mystical female intuition with prone to hysteria, it turns out your protagonist isn't Supes Progs. You have a disease.
She's always bright. She saves the day then gains the respect of all of her male colleagues. Is she?
Her best friend Saul is more of a condescending father figure. He's thrown your life away. Who are you to say that to me? You don't know a goddamn thing. Her boss is an ex-lover who hates her guts.
Just so we're clear, this isn't you getting your job back. This is you being a good citizen. Carrie doesn't have a single emotional equivalent in the whole CIA. That's the toll the job takes. You know, do not let his icy exterior fool you.
James Bond has it just as bad. That's why he solves his loneliness with his dick. She's way worse with her lady dick, if you will.
Sure, James Bond has been known to bone his way into a missile silo and plan a booty call during the fiery escape. But the Bond girls know the score. Half the time they have sex with him, it's recreational. Rest of the time, they're trying to kill him. No one breaks up in a Bond movie. With Carrie, she sleeps with Brody to gain his trust, learns nothing from it, then decides maybe bumping it up to a full-fledged affair is the answer to all of life's problems.
Maybe all this lend in tears. We might make it.
Brody is like the James Dean of jihadist. He's all damaging and vulnerable and sexy and cute. How about you? James Bond would fall for him too. This is about justice. He has poured into that uniform.
It's like the creators of the show diagnosed her with feminine hysteria. Every time she sleeps with him, she either loses her shit or goes into a depression spiral or her libido goes turbo and she messes up all kinds of spy stuff. It's only a matter of time before the guys at the office start tracking her menses on a calendar.
Yes. Yes!
But she ain't happy. She wants a mate and a medal and the bastards aren't going to let her have both. I wish I could have both.
You and the job. It's the same stupid social shackle we've been putting on women ever since Rosie the Riveter. Sure, you can work sweetheart. You can even succeed in your career.
But you cannot have a happy home life on top of it. And don't even pretend that you're fulfilled without your 2.3 kids.
James Bond doesn't get that either. He's stuck traveling the world boning beautiful women and killing his country's enemies and gaining their respect. James Bond definitely has it way worse.
I just love him so much. Yeah, me too.
Hey guys, don't be yellow on the inside. Lotion. No clean. No. Journal. This is harder than I thought it was going to be. Please subscribe to our channel. This smells weird, man. |
ClickHole | this_man_says_a_series_of_offensive_statements_and_then_stands_there_so_that_you_can_yell_at_him | Fact, the murder rate for illegal immigrants is ten times higher than that of American citizens. Fact, if a woman dresses a certain way, then she's asking for it, and she'll get whatever's coming to her. I'm not afraid to say it. I'm racist. But that's okay because I admit that I'm racist.
I think voter registration should be mandatory in all 50 states. If you trespass on my property, I should legally be allowed to shoot you, and nothing you or anyone does can convince me otherwise. Library fines are so small that you can practically ignore them every time. So sue me. I fundamentally believe that abortion should be legal when the life of the mother is threatened, but never in cases of rape or incest. And you know what?
Tomatoes are vegetables. I challenge anyone to fight me on this issue. I am positive that tomatoes are vegetables because they are not sweet, and you cannot eat them like apples. They might be red like apples, but that does not automatically make them a fruit.
Science backs me up on that 100%. Eminem is the best rapper of all time. To be honest, everyone needs to stop being so sensitive. I only piss in handicapped parking spots, and I believe that lesbian mothers cause autism, not vaccines. Also, the Holocaust never happened, but I wish that it had because overpopulation is going to kill us all in the long run. I enjoy Cheez Whiz. Well, that's just the way I am, and I'll never change for anyone. Everyone's entitled to their opinions. Goodbye. |
dropout | amir_s_harold_and_kumar_stories | I think the most memorable part of the movie-making experience for me was the woman on set known as the baby whisperer, and to explain what that is, I sort of have to go into the plot a little bit. Basically, there's a two-year-old in the movie who has to act out certain things as though she's intoxicated in some way. So like, sometimes she's rubbing her teeth, sometimes she's pointing a gun, sometimes she's smirking, sometimes she's crawling on the floor really fast, and the baby would not cooperate. It was actually triplets, so it was three two-year-old girls, which they thought would be great, because when one is crying, they could just sub one in. But when one was crying, it made the other two cry. And even worse, when one was separated from two, it made one of them cry. For days, we would just try to shoot this baby, and they wouldn't be able to get anything. They called this baby whisperer to come by to the set, and she basically trained these two-year-old toddlers to do all of this stuff.
And the way she did it was turning everything into a game. They'd turn on Lady Gaga music. The kids would get real comfortable, and she'd be like, all right, we're hanging out, let's play, pass the baby. And she would pass the baby to Tom Lennon, and Tom Lennon, being a super trooper, would be like, all right, now we're having fun, and then you pass the baby back to mom, and then the mom would pass the baby to Tom Lennon. And then they'd start rolling the cameras. He would have her passing the baby, and she would be smiling for a split second. And they would have to get everything in small little chunks like that set to Lady Gaga music.
I guess it was fun seeing a car stunt live. There's a part in the movie where I'm driving a car, and it skids on the side, and it just flips up and lands on its head. They actually shot that by getting a stunt driver, who's the coolest guy ever, driving this old Jeep Wagoneer, and then turning 90 degrees while it was driving, pressing a button that shoots like this thing down from underneath it that flips the car over. And he's like, I'm going to try to land on my head, but there are no guarantees. And so we're all just standing, watching online, which is this guy actually did that, flipped up, and landed on its head. And then everybody rushed in and dragged him out, and he was wearing this leather jacket and helmet. He's like, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I was asking him about the stunt, and he's like, the hardest part is actually getting the willpower to press the button. A lot of stunt drivers that he's dealt with before have had moments where they do the move, but they can't bring themselves to pull the trigger.
Lot of delicious food, access to delicious food all the time, and it's all free, which is great for me, because I'm still living on the college mentality of whenever there's a free meal, you've got to pounce on it. I would have a steak for lunch and mashed potatoes, and then like two hours later, they'd like, oh, there's a frozen yogurt truck outside. I was like, all right, great, let's eat that. And then it's like, people are bringing them around like deep fried peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and ham, and mashed potato balls, and mac and cheese balls. I was just eating all day, and after a week, I'm like, I'm probably gaining a lot of weight throughout the course of the movie. And then you think, oh, that's why celebrities get fat, because who has the willpower to avoid food for like nine months out of the year?
Will Smith is the answer. Will Smith doesn't gain weight. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_guys_who_came_up_with_dubai | Roadhouse, roadhouse, roadhouse. Miss you.
Okay, Dubai, new city, no bad ideas, go. Okay, buildings, good start. Yeah, that's good. What kind of buildings? Big buildings. Yes. I love it, keep it coming. Medium buildings.
Sure. Great. Yeah, yeah.
What about the biggest building in the world?
Yeah, that's good. I'm putting that one on the board. That's really good.
And what are we building this on? Sand. Yeah, yeah. Is there already enough sand there? No, we gotta go find it. Slow down. So does this mean it's like an island? Sure, we could do islands too. Yes.
What shape? What do you mean?
Too late, already on the board. I mean, I love it.
What do we want happening in this city? What are we doing here?
Lamborghini races. Water jet pack. Yeah, that's good, I like that.
Fireworks. Drone shows. Firework drones. I already wrote firework drone shows.
Guys, what's like the main religion? I mean, Islam.
Can we put the hotels under water? I don't see why not. I love it. Half the hotels under water.
Yeah, I don't wanna do anything crazy. Under water like Little Mermaid. No, like Shark Tale. Sorry.
Oh, oh, you know that big building we did? Yeah. Put Tom Cruise on it, give him magnets. Yeah, woo! Magnets, we did it. Hell yeah. Yes! That's what we're talking about here. This is gonna be huge.
Good job, man. Guys, lunch is here. Oh, perfect. I think we've earned a break. All right, who had the Danimals Crush Cup? Right here. Here you go. Oh, it's crushed. I used to get underwater like Little Mermaid. That's a good line. Oh, man. All right. Who had the Gushers? Right here.
Sorry, I'm an asshole. I promise. |
dropout | Old_Rude_Donkey_s_Flamin_Anus_Hot_Sauce_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Sue Walton. And I'm Sue Dalton.
Aren't we a pair? Our top story tonight, I just had an idea for a hit show. Is it just hot ones again? No, I'd chat with celebrities and we'd eat spicy wings. Yeah, see that's hot ones.
It is not. It's completely different. How so? For one thing, I have hair. Tell me how it's different. I have beautiful luscious pink locks. That toast is bald.
Also, my questions would be rude. His questions, as far as I can tell, are polite and engaging. That doesn't sound very good. People like it when I'm rude to them.
You wait and see, you little bitch. I'm not improvising anymore. I'm just reading the prompter. I'm moving on as well. Oh yeah? You think you're so smart?
What's your TV show about wings? My TV show about wings is Plane for Hire Service, where people fly and deliver objects. The pilot is a bear named Baloo. You might have thought at first I was describing the show Wings, but in fact I'm describing the show Tail Spin. Okay, wings can be lots of different things.
Hey genius, you didn't list ten hot sauces in your explanation. Oh, my bad.
We'll go now to Lassie Bass, who's on the scene of a bank heist. Lassie, what can you tell us? Thanks, Sue. I'm on the scene of an armed robbery, and what's that? I'm sorry, our producer in my ear. Okay, I'm being told I need to go to my kitchen and get the condiment I own that's in the largest bottle of my refrigerator, if you'll excuse me. Fair enough, Lassie. We'll come back to you.
My heart stopped in the freezing water, and for seven minutes, I died. The paramedics shocked me back to life, but while I was dead, I went to hell. Hell is real, and I was there.
It's not the fire and brimstone from the Bible, it looks like a planet fitness. When I could get a bench, it was always next to someone much stronger than me, every time. I picked up a weight, it was just a little too heavy, so I had to go for a lighter one, and everybody noticed. There were trainers walking around giving me loud pointers on my form. Since it was a planet fitness, the floor of the locker room was always very damp, and there were a bunch of crumpled up paper towels near, but not in the trash can.
There were scores upon scores of old men changing, and they had on shirts, but no pants or underwear, and they were in no rush to fix that. They were sitting bare-assed on the benches with their long scrotums piled up like loose ham on the Formica.
Chilling. Who else was there? Everyone you'd expect.
Hitler, Stalin, Goebbels, Rommel, Himmler. It's a lot of Nazis. A lot of Nazis in hell, for sure.
For sure. Also, Stonewall Jackson, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, and it's not even my knowledge of heaven and hell, it's my knowledge of history that's really holding me up here. I'll go with Alexander the Great, and what's the dude's name? Fuck it, let's throw Julius Caesar in there, right? Julius Caesar. Yeah, sure.
Homer, I asked you a fucking question. Are the fish biting? God, I love your rude questions. Not really. I wish they were. I wish they ate you and you stayed dead.
Now, I'm being told that we have Lassie back with us. Lassie, any updates on the robbery? No updates yet, but I was handed this box by a passerby. Okay, let's see what we got here.
Ah, it appears to be a bowl full of good and plenty. You know, a lot of people don't like good and plenty because they think black licorice tastes like they're being punished for something. And the candy coating sheds away like moldy drywall.
Not me, though. I can't get enough. Actually, I've just had an idea. I better put this mayonnaise all over the good and plenty and eat it like it's cereal. Just like mama made it. That seems like a good idea, and it looks delicious. I guess I'm going to do this now? I guess you better do it. You've said that you enjoy this. You like sugar coating on black licorice with a with a gooey, viscous emulsion of oil and egg and lemon and salt. Just want to give a huge thank you to whoever cast this episode, feeling very grateful to our field correspondent. I might want to add briefly to that list of people who should be in health. Down the hatch. That's my version of hot one. You can really hear the crunching, which is good. Why don't you prove how much you enjoy it by swishing it around in your mouth? Oh, like why? Oh, my pleasure. I'm so happy right now. Squish the milk of light around. We all are. I promise we won't cut away until you have one more big bite and swallow it.
This takes so long to chew is the thing. It's pretty wild that good and plenty is the only candy I can think of that doesn't even try to describe its flavor in the name. It just references how much of it there is. It's as if the taste isn't worth advertising.
But the mayonnaise sure does add something. Oh, baby. What would you say it adds, Sam? Mayonnaise. Fantastic. Oh, my God. That'll do it for us at Breaking News.
This week's loser is Michael Trapp. Terrible work, Trapp.
Well, I'm headed to Lake Penis. Emphasis on the headed. |
dropout | the_poop_chipper_scene_from_coffee_town | He's a dick. I gotta do this for your friend. He's not. What do you mean? You don't know him? This is what I do know, okay?
I went into that bathroom right there a couple days ago, took out very adult shit, Lave some very heavy skin marks. I leave, he goes in. When he leaves, I go back in to wash my hands. Wait, wait, wait. You didn't wash your hands the first time? Of course not. Dries out my skin, but my thumb stunk a lot. I think I clipped asshole. Regardless, I get back in there, all of the streaks totally off.
That guy pissed him off the porcelain. It says a lot about a man. You know what he is? He is a poop chipper. Chad, you nailed it, dude. Dude is a poop chipper.
A what? What? He just said a what. What? Tell him what it is.
I'll take it from here. There are two types of guys in this world, right? Those who use their own urine and chip away someone else's poop for the greater good, and those who do not. I don't even chip my own poop at home. It's weird to say that, okay? And that, my friend, right there, we are looking at as a poop chipper, who is in a band. You should be nervous. |
dropout | the_crucial_man_haircuts | This is the Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm John Gabris, here to give you the crucial information on how to become a man. So put down that bag of chips and listen up. Today, we're going to learn how to give ourselves a haircut, so we're going to have to spend a fortune on some fancy schmancy haircut like this. Welcome to Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
No more tea tree oil.
Oh, hey Lex, sorry, I didn't know it was you. Yeah, what's the problem?
You seem a little uptight. Of course I'm uptight. I don't like people touching my hair, I don't like spending a fortune on a haircut, and I hate the fact that I can't get the same haircut twice.
Why don't you just do it yourself? Fine, I will.
Lexi and I are here at Ink for Hair Salon with our friend and stylist, Mari Damonti, and we're going to be talking about haircuts, specifically giving yourself one with the Philips Norelco 180 degree hair clipper. It is a do-it-yourself home haircut kit. We're going to bring out our friend and beautiful male model, Steve. So you already have a pretty sweet head of hair, but it can clearly use low trimming, right?
Absolutely. Because it's number five...
Yeah, there's ten settings, so it's number five with the big clip, and you can do one through five with a smaller clip as well. So I'm just going to start doing a little bit, and then I'm going to make him finish the rest of it. So this can really save you some money in between trips to the barber.
Oh, definitely. Ooh.
Yeah, it's very tricky. A lot of hair coming off.
Good job. Now you can rotate it if you need anything else. 180 degrees. Ooh, I can hear it. That's like a full, complete turnaround. I learned that from skateboarding. I'm cool. Make sure when you do the back, that you start from all the way down here. Got it.
Kind of makes cutting your hair not scary. Yeah. Especially it's great because... Now, Steve, you could probably go do this at your house, so we don't have to waste our time watching you do this, right? Yeah. I'm going to do my best, and I'm going to eat Gabriel's in there. Yeah, and you could do this with or without three friends staring at you. And you know, it's 2009.
We're trying to be green. You could always reuse this hair for costumes, and you put them in your girlfriend's hair dryer, so when she turns on, it blows flaming hair into her face.
So I'm going to hand this to you. I'm definitely going to use this from now on. I'm going to steal this and go home and cut my hair.
Oh, that looks good. God, that looks really good. Steve, I'm telling you, man. Very nice.
Ooh, I'll give you my digits. For the best part, ladies and gentlemen, he did it himself.
Thank you very much, Steve. Thank you. Back to the big modeling audition you got. And thank you, Mari, for your professional feelings. You're welcome. |
SaturdayNightLive | flight_announcement_saturday_night_live | Not believe our vacation is over. I know now we have to go back home to Hawaii.
Ladies and gentlemen, you could just stay seated with your seatbelts fastened. It's gonna be a bumpy ride for a little bit. Okay, okay, thank you. Better buckle up ladies and gentlemen. it's me again. The pilot has just informed me that we are headed for some severe turbulence. Okay, he said it's gonna be really bad. so just stay seated with your belts buckled cuz he said this is gonna be terrible. Wait, wait what did she say? Yeah, that didn't sound so good Folks, I did want to let you know that your oxygen masks will be released from above you. Okay, please do not panic. The pilot is scared. Hey everyone, everyone please please. I did just speak with the pilot and he said he is gonna do his very best to stay in control of the plane. but if he doesn't you cannot act crazy. Ladies and gentlemen, we have decided to land in the ocean. What? Okay folks folks folks, please calm down.
We have decided not to land in the ocean. Okay, We have spoken with our control tower and apparently the force of these winds are just gonna end up ribbing the plane into different parts. Okay, before we land. Okay, so just make sure all of your items are neatly stowed beneath you. Just in case the plane does rip in half, you will have your items with you on your half.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're not gonna like this. but I just checked and we are all out of tera blue chips. So ladies and gentlemen, I know, I know there are no chips. I know.
Listen, you really need to calm down. Okay, because the pilot is in the cockpit and he is crying and freaking out and screaming and shaking. Okay, he just got sick on some of his buttons.
Okay, so I'm gonna need y'all to be my strong bunch. I'm gonna see if I can sneak you got some pretzels. Okay, hey, what the hell is happening?
This isn't funny. No sir, you're right. this is not funny.
But do you know what is the Tv show Mike? Oh my gosh, You Do Not stop talking about Months. Aren't Tony Shalom, I'm gonna start having to call you Rhonda Monk Wilson. What? Why? Who's that? It's you. You love Monk. But my name's not Rhonda Wilson.
It's Carla. Carla Gillespie.
I don't get it. It's what's to get.
I gave you a new name with Monk in the middle. You Love Monk. So why do I need a new name? With my favorite Tv show in the middle?
I was trying something. I made a mistake.
Hey excuse me ladies, can you please tell us what's going on? Okay, here is the update. please. What is happening? Is this? Carla and I are fighting Cuz I put Monk in the middle of her name? What? No, that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about what's wrong with the plane.
Are we gonna die? Ma'am From what I do know about these things, it does depend on where you're seated. Good evening, Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Looks like we're gonna attempt a landing. However, we're almost out of fuel and the landing gear is not coming down. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, please do not panic. Sounds like we're just gonna glide right on in at about 700 miles per hour, you know what? But don't worry, we're gonna ask for some pay up and phone. Okay, guess you know I'm gonna get you guys those pretzels. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_nicholas_fehn_saturday_night_live | Here now with his own satiric take on the week's top stories. Political comedian Nicholas Fain, Thank you so much. For those of you who aren't familiar with my work, what I do is I read headlines from today's newspapers, and I provide my own sort of skewed view just off the top of my head.
So let's get to it. Great, All right, So oh, this is great. Oh, I love this. I was laughing so hard. this is from the Wall Street Journal and Labor market gains traction. Yeah, there's no way. Oh, this is classic. The The Washington Post. This was great. Right on the front page. Federal workers pay could bump up 0.5% And ah, I thought of you guys, I was on my way here and and you're gonna love this or hate it New York Times, The Great New York Times, Tweak and rule to ease a path to green card. Now there.
This is exactly the moment that we If I were to take a poll. and I don't mean any poll. I don't mean the kind of poll.
I mean I would never be the first person. I don't think anyone, as long as any poll taker if I were to take I. I had met an infant and super nice and even if every citizen decided to, you know, spray paint Charlie Chaplin's name on on every high school, or do a caricature or however tactile there's not, I listen, I would be the first. I would be the second. I don't think I don't think in any line of people look society before before we even launch into that absolutely across the board petroleum.
All right, you know, it looks like I am worried. here's what I'm worried about. That. this isn't going anywhere. That's what I'm worried about.
I don't have to bring you the problem with you and I and I love you and I know you and oh, someone saw you somebody so I forgot who someone saw you recently. Mark. All right, The the problem, the the problem with you And I don't mean anything personal with your personality and I love you.
And this is not a criticism by any means. this is not even. This is not even a statement. It's not even.
It doesn't even will never come across as anything. hang on, a sarcastic or ironic, or even any kind of statement against you, even in the in the in the lightest part of day you Seth and we all agree And we all and we all agree. I know we all agree. The problem, The problem With: hear me out with your personality in any situation, in any given situation and as great as you are and set absolute you and about now I will. I will detail your car and no matter and no matter how much and how pleasant and how much you try And I know that you try and I know that you do your very best and I and we see even behind that that you think before any of that even comes to fruition.
And I'm not. Listen, Man I There's no way with you if you sat with me anywhere. |
ClickHole | clickhole_presents_the_peel | In high school, I would get made fun of every time I undressed in the locker room and everyone saw that my legs were just bones. I tried explaining to them that it was because I was baptized in a pool that had a piranha in it and the piranha ate all the meat off my legs, but nobody ever listened. Instead, they made fun. It was hard. I thought the teasing would end when I graduated high school, but every summer when I'm outside wearing shorts, there's always some parent covering their children's eyes and giving me the stink eye or an old lady is scowling at me. I tried carrying a note explaining how piranha ate the meat off my legs while I was being baptized and that's why my legs are just bones, but when I hand it to people, nobody ever reads it.
I've just come to accept that life is hard for people like me who have legs that are just bones and feet that have skin on them. My feet have skin because I was wearing rollerblades while I was being baptized so the piranha wasn't able to eat the flesh on my feet. I rollerbladed to the baptism that day. That's what I had on rollerblades. My legs are just bones. I can only hope that someday people will accept me for who I am. Thank you. |
dropout | high_times_editorial_office | I don't even know if I can bring it up. I can speak that. No, that's the problem. All right, all right, all right, let's apply, people. Hey, hey, listen to me.
There's a new strand right out of Maui. And honestly, it's the smoothest thing I've ever seen.
And we've got our Hawaii correspondent on it, but he's going to need help. Guys, this is the big one. We can scoop on week if we work fast.
Gruber. Yes, sir. What? Huh?
I don't know where I am now. Hawaii, sir. Of course, Hawaii. Gruber, get on a plane. Andrews, handle it locally.
And Collins, Pop-Tart. Thank you, Collins. Can I get another Pop-Tart, please?
I didn't go in my mouth. I can take any Star Wars character you want and make it into a weed name. OK, go. Luke High Walker. No. Darth Hazer. No. Seed weed PO. Use it already. Last week. Han Bolo. No. Boba Fatty. No. Obi-Wan a Toki.
Morning, everyone. Morning.
Ashley Thompson? Yeah. Pretty sure I fired you last week. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're right, sir. I'm sorry.
I'm going to go clean out my desk here. Well, your desk is right there, so that's easy.
There we are. Drive, drive, lunch. What are you doing, dude? You trying to get yourself fired? Good looking out, man. I know that, but you need to give me something a substance. Look, it can speak on condition of anonymity. If this thing goes straight to the top, don't think that it won't, uh. All right, fine. Listen up, everybody. There's been a development with the Maui Strands, so we all got to work on overdrive, all right? Welcome, this is a farmhouse we have. Oh.
Is that the organic diesel or the bubble bubble? Missy smelly it. Alaskan Thunderfuck? No, missy smelly.
Hey, Thompson, can I fire you two times in the past seven days? Oh, I forgot, sir.
I'm going to go. About that time. Exit's the other way. There we go. OK, all right. Everybody take a seat, all right? Actually, let's all stand up. I got it.
I'm really, really proud of you guys. You guys did great, great work.
But before you leave, I got the results back from the drug test, and all of you failed. Except for Bartleby.
Sorry, man, you got a pack of things. Can I still hang out here? Yeah, yeah, you're going to come on, man. You can always hang out here. Thompson, you got his desk. I'm so sorry, man.
Oh! Hard drive, all right? Oh. Is that the organic diesel or the bubble bubble?
Well, I guess the water's better. Yeah, I don't think it's going to be as good as the water, but it's going to be a little bit better, and it's going to be good.
Wow. Oh, man. That's so good, man. I'm going to try it. Oh, man.
Oh, it's coming. It's coming.
There's two people on the other side. I'm going to go. You guys, you guys, there's two people. Yeah, but it's the only one on the other side. So I'm going to just put some water on the other side.
No. That's a great, great work. But before you leave, I got the results back from the drug test, and all of you failed. Except for Bartleby. Sorry, man, you got a pack of things.
Can I still hang out here? Yeah, yeah, you're gonna, come on, man, you can always hang out here. Thompson, you got his desk.
I'm so sorry, man. Oh! |
cracked | the_new_cars_movie_looks_dark_as_hell_cracked_responds | You ready to watch Cars 3? I am so ready to watch Cars 3, the least good Pixar movie. We should probably point out that we've watched the entire series this weekend. We watched the entire series to gear up for this trailer just so we could speak intelligently about the Cars universe.
Okay. This looks like super realistic. The first two Cars movies are like super cartoony, car toony if you will. But this looks like Days of Thunder. Yeah. Looks like a real movie. And then shit gets intense right here. That's his gut. Shit.
Yeah, like his kneecap just exploded. So it seems like this movie is going to begin with Lightning McQueen getting in a horrific crash during a race, which is like doubly horrific in the Cars universe because you're really just watching a bunch of dudes run really fast in a big circle. And all of a sudden, one of them, just his kneecaps explode and he just goes flipping through the air.
With Pixar, did they just figure that like, it's like, okay, we've had fun. Parts one and two. Part three is where we're going to teach children about death and mortality. All right, sit down.
Everything you love is going to die. Your parents are going to die. You're probably going to have to watch it happen unless you die first.
That's Toy Story 3. Apparently, it's Cars 3.
It's always more horrifying in the Pixar universe because these are objects that could potentially live in this decayed state. Because machine death is a long, drawn-out process that can take years. The other thing is I don't know how concerned I should be for McQueen because we've seen them get just super messed up. As soon as they go to the repair shop, they're fine, which I guess in the personal equivalent is like major reconstructive surgery. It seems Cars exists in a world where humanity has died. I guarantee that if you dig like a foot down in the Cars universe, it's just bones. Yeah, a full solid layer of just skeletons. All the smart vehicles we built have now taken over and they're just kind of doing their thing. And the society itself is completely insane.
There's like a queen, there's terrorists. The terrorists are lemon cars, and at the end of Cars 2, they almost like blow up the queen. So maybe Cars 3 will be about the horrible racism against lemon cars from here on. Right, because Cars 2 was like their 9-11. What's going to be the next plane-style spin-off?
Boats. That's not bad. I was thinking roller coasters, and they're just going in circles, screaming to be killed. One of the things we've been trying to figure out is how they have sex. Right, because these things definitely fuck. Like in the planes movies, the animals in the universe are also vehicles, they're just smaller versions of them. But then you see like a paper glider bird go to its nest with tinier ones. So those things fuck. There's a couple in planes too.
There's two old campers that are going to Yellowstone on their honeymoon. We burned all the treads off our tires on our honeymoon.
And then Dane Cook Airplane is like, clearly awkward. It's like, you mean, you mean, it's like, no, I mean driving. So clearly, fucking is a thing that happens in cars. And also, it has something to do with just burning out your tires. Alternate theory, the entire series just takes place in a coma victim's brain. Like the cars will just zoom out, and it'll just be... Oh right, it was a guy who was in a horrific car accident. That's what Cars 3 is. We're seeing the beginning of the Cars universe. Lightning McQueen was an actual race car driver. He's in a horrible free jack accident. And instead of getting pulled into the future by Anthony Hopkins, he goes into a coma. And it just is imagining the universe of cars where everyone is a car because he has, like, part of a steering wheel embedded in his skull now or something.
You nailed it. We nailed it right here. Yeah, we did it. That's why it's realistic.
What do they say? Everything will change from here on? Yeah, from this moment on, we're gonna pull back the veil.
We just solved cars. Yeah, we figured out cars. Hey guys, thanks for watching our video about cars. Please like and subscribe and go down in the comments and tell us how you think cars fuck.
Yeah. Because they do. The lady car in the first movie has a tramp stamp, so... Tell us where their genitals are. Yeah, how does that work? Because they're hybrids, too, in this universe. Is that... Do they fuck? Oh, they fuck. Let us know in the comments below. |
cracked | 8_local_news_segments_gone_horribly_wrong_cracked_tv | First best live Good evening Welcome to cracked action news where stories will always involve molesting after the break We'll be discussing which pet shampoos could be molesting your kids But right now we're going to clip Takamura for the latest on that molested beaver clip clip You are a card if you're wondering why our banter seems so warm and natural this episode It's because today's topic is eight local news segments gone horribly wrong Each of these clips has a valuable lesson to teach would-be journalists Lessons like if you don't have the reflexes to avoid objects hurtling towards you at least learn to do a wicked midair front flip When they hit it looks like Ruben is in the lead and here comes out Think that shit just happens two summers at the Cirque du Soleil acrobatics and journalism camp still not impressed check the recovery That was a bad idea At Riverside Park Rob what are you seriously trying to pass off the fact that you just flew through the air during a report? I'm not sure those snow pants are roomy enough for your massive balls global news Yes, my prince sleep you earned it Of course we can't all be masters of recovery some of us like Isaiah Carey must draw strength from our roots What really happened on that Thursday here at Augusta High School that led to Chris Wood's death Shit flying in my mouth the fuck. I can't see pilot and just get the fuck out this country mother Damn, he went black faster than I did in federal prison. Kerry's range is amazing. He can do stereotypical white guy We attempted to reach the mayor several times, but our calls and our visits to her house stereotypical black guy You know, it's what now he can even do a stereotypical black guy imitating a stereotypical white guy. I don't want to talk New Jersey, I don't want to talk Wow, you're like the Chris Rock a local journalists like black reporters be all I ain't got no prompter And white reporters be all I don't have a prompter in the interest of fairness I will now show a clip of a white reporter suddenly spewing expletives You're complete forecast all that is news straight ahead in the Fox lot of new fucking mother for sake I'm no doctor, but I think it's fairly apparent that this man has Tourette syndrome Did that not come up in the interview? So what would you say is your greatest strength as a meteorologist? Well, if I had to pick one quality I'd shit in a bucket fuck the Well, you know that or my smile Yeah, I was gonna say wow There's a law of nature that states that pointing a camera at a large group of people and broadcasting the footage live Attracts douchebags like a yeasty vagina convention and like classic literature such interferences can be put into four Basic categories man versus man Woman versus man The lines are very very short same man from before versus English version of the hamburglar And of course man versus cell we've taken the 360 we've added a DSP and then we self-baburrito Grumpy old men local news story about housing development Go gotta go now.
I want to thank you both. Thank you.
All right, it's back to you. Don't let her go away This is that's good. She's back if you want her.
Yes Yes, what'd you like to know? I would like to know a response to what the gentleman said, right? So what do you want now? Well, if I have to teach you how to be a reporter Ali, I'll do that later Oh, why don't you do that later Jim? This is like watching Henry Kissinger and Sam the Eagle go at it Is there any question you'd like me to ask her and no I I'll give you lessons on how to become a reporter I'll give you some lessons and how to be an editor because I was your boss once. Yeah, you were and are no longer How did that happen for Lola's victory?
I wish news was always this entertaining Breaking news Wayne Largas is a total douche with more on that story. We go live to Wayne Largas in the field Wayne Well, Larry the story we're getting out here is that you can suck my balls back to you And for our viewers at home, that's not a satellite delay. Wayne's just retarded. This just in It's a sad fact some people just aren't cut out for the high-stakes world of local sports reporting and all those people had a baby And this is him. Hello everyone. Well, the Ball State softball team continued to play this weekend and But the Ball State women's but women's team is shot down and ended up doing poorly. Oh No, he's mastered every possible way to fail at reading the news stuttering. It seems last Week player on it seems every week they have a player 10-second silences tomorrow's game will be the meeting between the two beating both He even sets up his own bits. Let's check out the highlights. Oh, yes, let's do that Later he gets the rebound passes it to the man shoots it and boom goes a dynamite Okay, well you tried For an afternoon news team, it's important to make gestures that reach out to the community Hey, it's time for birthdays. Let's take a look right now However, you should be aware that as an afternoon news team your audience is primarily unemployed stoners It's enormous.
Happy 48th birthday to you. I need a lay. Happy birthday to my sweet little girl Anita Mike hunt Lena Jensen. Oh Wow Is being high contagious Donna and Harry Mo Lester? Astor and Emma Royds Amy and Willie be hard again and then a Martha are huge and Martha new and more That's it for this episode any updates on that beaver clip So bring stuff remember if you'd like to help me pick next week's topic Just look into a mirror and say my name five times then email me I've been your host, right?
Michael Swain. Allow me to play you out The break we're gonna interview Eric why his mayor who climbed the highest mountain in the world Mount Everest But he's gay. I mean he's gay. Excuse me. He's blind |
SaturdayNightLive | ted_brogan_is_born_snl | Okay, Wendy. Okay, one more push should do it. come on, honey, breathe. breathe, honey, breathe, breathe, honey. almost here. Wow, he's a big fella. I can see his head. here he comes. here he comes.
Oh, my God. what? what? what is it? What?
Oh! it was hot in there. Geez louise, that was rough. Thanks, Doc. you really did me a salad. what the hell is that?
Well, congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Phillips. you're the proud parents of a brand-new, healthy 37-year-old man. how do, folks? name's Ted Brogan. Ted Brogan? we were gonna name you Michael. Yeah? well, it's Ted Brogan. man, is that me?
I am ripe. Geez. any of you guys got a clean shirt, maybe a necktie? I feel like an idiot over here. Doctor, who is this man? mommy, it's me, Teddy, Gaga, et cetera. Mrs. Phillips, let me see if I can explain. you gave birth to what we call in the medical profession: a dude. wah! wah! I'm hungry. wah! wah! what do you want? Well, Denver Omelet sounds mighty fine, but I'd settle for a little booby.
Mrs. Phillips, he is your son. you should let him have some boob. He's right, Wendy. Ted Brogan may be different, but he's our son, and we should love him just the same.
Hey, don't get all fruity on me there, Pops. whoa! check me out! I'm packin'!' Whoo! Thanks, Daddy-o. that's your umbilical cord. Ew! hey, Doc, a little help? want to clamp me off here? let's get this show on the road. Ah! he must weigh 220 pounds. buck 90, thank you very much. Hey, anyone know who won the Penguins Flyers game? had some moolah ridin'' on it. you bet on a hockey game?
Yeah, I'm a baby. I don't know any better. Jeez, I'm like a minute old, and you're only climbin'' up my ass. Doctor, when we looked at my sonogram, it did not look like there was a 37-year-old man in my womb.
Yeah, well, sonograms are mostly bullcrap. Ah, crud.
I think I lost my watch in there. it's a gold Seiko set to mountain time. you don't mind if I just take a little gander, do you? No! all right, well, tell me if it turns up. hey, can I get some slacks? I'm just hangin' out in the wind here. yo, Teddy, the car's runnin',' man. let's go! All right, dudes, I'll be there in a minute.
Look, folks, I got a blow. who are they? those are my bro bros. Chico and Catman. meow! this is a hospital. you can't just barge in here. no, no, it's cool. I know these guys. mm-hmm. we delivered this yesterday. both of us. So, doc. how you doing, fellas?
Listen, we'll catch you later. we're going to Atlantic City. wah! wah! what's wrong? you hungry? no, daddy, I need about 1,500 bucks. all I got is 60s. I got two Gs. then you, my friend, are in. let's get a yap and goo. sounds good. Well, I'm gonna. yeah. I'm gonna head Ac with your infant son and these two dudes and rock on. we're already 5,000. Take it sleazy.
Meow! Catman. |
SaturdayNightLive | little_league_trade_saturday_night_live | Hey, Billy, come on down right away, huh? do you want to see me, Dad? yeah, come on, sit down, son. big game today, Dad. I can't wait to play. Yeah, come on over here. that's what I want to talk to you about. Yeah, we're going to beat these guys today. you'll see. Man, I want to talk to you about a little something more than that, too, Billy.
I know. it's my hitting, huh? I'm not hitting so good, am I? it's not your hitting. it's something more important than that. what you doing to feel Last week? I made an error. not just an error. you made the error, Billy. it wasn't my fault, Dad. the ball took a bad bounce. Yeah, how many times have I told you the ball takes a bad hop on you? you take it in the face, huh? it's a little thing called guts, Billy. I know.
I'll try harder today, Dad. Billy, Billy, there's something I've got to tell you. there's not going to be a game for you today, Buddy. But, Dad, I've been practicing all week. it's a little more complicated than that. What do you mean, Dad? I got to release you. But, Dad, it was just an error. it was a big error, huh? what have I always told you, huh? to error is human, huh? to forgive is unheard of, huh? Yeah, but, Dad, everyone makes mistakes. that's exactly my thinking. your mother and I made a mistake with you. what do you mean? do you know why you're so small, huh? because every morning your mother, she put a special hormone in your cereal.
Why? so we could stunt your growth. that's why. so you could play little league forever. How could you do that?
Because we loved you. you had to make an error in a big game. you're gone, pal. you're history, huh? I can't believe my own father was kicking me off the team. No, not just off the team, Billy. no, not just off the team. I mean, you're released from the family. you don't live here anymore. But this is my home. hey, you want to stay here? then you paint yourself gold and sit up on that shelf where the championship trophy should have been, huh?
I can't believe this.
I'm a good son. Also? I keep my room clean. yeah. and I get good grades. Yeah, grades. grades don't mean anything to me, you know? catch the damn ball, huh? huh? Look, your mother and I think it's best if. and for the team, too, if you leave the house.
Where do I go? What do I do? Well, you're going to be with the Martin family. we've optioned you.
But, dad, you know what? maybe it's just a slump. I'm going to slump, Dad. it's not a slump, Billy. Hey, when you're eight years old, it could be a slump, Okay? you're 12. you've peaked. you've peaked. you've had it. can't you take it like a man, huh? your brother did.
But. Dad, I don't even like the Martins. you'll love it there. they'll do math with you. give me a break. Adios, baby. come on. But, Dad. Dad, I. I loved you. Dad, I. you'll be good. Bye. yeah. Oh, Billy. yeah, Dad? yeah, hey, don't forget to turn in your key to your house key. I'll take that, too. don't forget it, okay? But, Dad, it was a bad bounce. I'll take it in the face next time, Dad. I promise. it just. it could have been a great one. But, Dad. yeah.
Mr. Rod Jones. I'm Juan from Havana, Cuba. well, I'm your new dad and your new manager. Meera, Meera. look at the size of you. boy, for ten, you're big. Wow. Hey, howdy, Juan's here. I'll be very happy here.
Oh, I hope you like cereal. hey, don't touch nothing, huh? |
ClickHole | this_man_facebook_friended_a_guy_he_used_to_bully_and_invited_him_to_like_sublime | My name is Evan Gladstone. I'm 32 years old, and in high school, I was a bully. The kid that I was definitely the cruelest to was David Abrams. David and I were in the same graduating class, and I gave him a really hard time. I attacked him, physically and verbally, for four whole years. I'm sure I made him afraid to go to school every day. I regret it so much. I want to do something to make things right with David, so I'm finally reaching out.
I'm inviting David to like the band Sublime on Facebook. Sublime is a good band.
They mix reggae, ska, punk, and even some hip-hop. They sing about the laid-back California lifestyle. They talk about having a fun time, just smoking pot and playing guitar. They can be pretty fun when you're in the mood for them. A lot of their stuff isn't that great, but some of their hits like Santeria and What I've Got are pretty good.
I think David will like them. Smoked in Joints is one of their songs, and so is Bad Fish. They're fine. David will think they're fine. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_230_Cameron_James_Alexei_Toliopoulos_Finding_Yeezus | Errol Parker's in here with me. How are you Errol?
Good mate, the season's changed. I've put the heenie away for another winter. He doesn't mind the peaked beanie, like we're talking 2004 hilltop hoods beanie. Wow. See people laugh but it does get quite cold out here in the Diamantina Shire, but the sun doesn't go away unfortunately.
You need the best of both worlds. Protect your beak. You need your heenie.
We haven't introduced these guys but they're already giggling away. This might be the second or third appearance, certainly one of these blokes has been on here about four or five times now in different iterations, different troupes. You know how those comedians go, they've always got some new hustle on the side. This one that they're today representing on behalf of is kind of a pretty consistent template for two of the funniest cis hets in Australia.
Thank you for joining us Cameron James and Alexi Toliopulos. Hello. Thank you. Thanks for having us back on Desert Rock FM. We love it here and thanks for giving us the branded heenies as well, we'll be wearing those later on. Of course, once it gets chilly once again in the world.
Well all this mate, there's a thing happening in Australia where, and you guys are now experts in hip-hop, we'll get into that later, but there's a thing happening in Australia where Australian hip-hop is mutating to more of an urban sound, a little less kind of a piss-drinking barbecue white boys, now it's kind of drill postcode wars, we're hearing about all this. But what these artists are figuring out four years into their career, be that on YouTube or maybe they even get a start on Triple J is their bread and butter is regional Australia. It's the peaked beanies of Tamworth, Roma, Townsville, that's where they're selling tickets. Lots of tropical goths too, up into Central and North Queensland too.
That's commitment, the trench coat and the Townsville summer. Trench coat and stubbies.
No, no, no. Oh really? No. All the way? No, we're talking proper Prince of Darkness shit.
Greg Larson is a tropical goth. That's true. Comedian Greg Larson is a Brisbane goth.
Yeah. I've seen it. He was pretty base too, he was there man. Started necklaces, the works. Yeah, the makeup that comes down like two triangles. Like the crow. Wish I saw more of that. He needs to put more of it online.
I know he's trying to rebrand, but it's always good to embrace your roots as a tropical goth or in your case, Alexi, I've heard a story about you as probably one of the first foodies in the inner west of Sydney, while most of Heartbreak High, we see what the kids are up to nowadays. They're wagging school, doing edibles and smoking weed. You used to wag school to go down to the Sydney fish markets because you couldn't get enough of the lobster mornay. That's true. I used to, because I went through this high school right around the corner from the Sydney fish markets and I was quite a cosmopolitan little fellow. I would wag school, especially during lunchtime, even when I wasn't missing class, it would just be to go eat much nicer at the fish markets, get a beautiful view, hang out with a couple of pelicans.
So instead of, you know, talking about, you know, in the same sort of throws as Heartbreak High and Euphoria, your high school experience was more like that delightful show made by Claudia Carbon called Bump. It was more, well it was the same high school, it's the same high school. The exact same school. It's pretty awesome to watch, it's awesome to watch a teen show and feel the actual nostalgia for my own high school while watching it and just go, man, it does it.
It's not accurate. Me and a couple of other friends would go to the fish markets, they don't show that in the show.
Have a little prawn sandwich for lunch instead of a microwave, microwave pie from the canteen. The golden Greek of Australian comedy, real foodie, you need to do a bit more food related. Oh, of course. I love this stuff. A lot of people eat to live, but I live to eat. Like maybe the next one you do after this one could be finding the Michel from Michel's patisserie. That's good.
That's a dream come true, is he a real French, is he a real French guy or is he just a drawing, a clipper? But then you go like all the way over to rural like Bordeaux and you find him and he turns out to be a cunt and it's anti-climax. Chances are that is what he's like. You've stumbled into something there because I for a little while became obsessed with figuring out if Guzman and Gomez were real people or if they were just two separate clip arts pushed together with a brand name and turns out they're not real, they're fake. It was probably created by advertising agency, not far from your high school.
It's like the Suby Boys or something. It's created by Suby. The original bad boys of denim. Suby jeans.
Suby can get them in Kmart now. Pretty awesome. That's when you made it, man. Everyone ends up at fucking Kmart. Even liking a Suby is my own size now. It's opened up to the whole world.
Now while we do have this lovely Hellenic foodie joining us, we also have rock star, comedian. Devin sandwich either. Devin sandwich. I did have Devin. Devin and tomato sauce sandwich.
How long ago? Not that long ago. Maybe the last time I had one was within the last 10 years, but at school that was a staple, that and a Vegemite and cheese.
Me? I've never even eaten Devin. Different experience. I do more than Della, excuse me.
That's a very newy meal. It's actually funny, Errol and I have a friend who as a bachelor, he's got a Mrs. now so this kind of behavior has changed, but he would try and limit the amount of he made in the kitchen and would deconstruct the Devin sandwich. So it's. Oh no. Well, just eat it bit by bit. No, no. It was the bread and the Devin goes in at once and the squirt of the tomato sauce. Squirting it down. Yeah.
And the way he described it, he puts tomato sauce on everything and he said, and this will be interesting to think if you agree with this, Alexi. He says, tomato sauce is the ultimate condiment. He says, ordinary food needs it. Good food deserves it.
That's great. If someone has a life motto towards food, they're part of my ecosystem. I love that. I love tomato sauce. I've never outgrown Heinz. I think fountain glass bottle. Oh, I love the glass bottle. I love the Heinz one that they make look fancy by putting like gourmet looking tomato drawings around the edges of it. The skirting. I love it. You've got as much sugar in it as a can of Coke.
Yeah. We've got the best of Newy, the best of Sydney and two of the great investigative minds here. Thank you. You boys are back at it. Yeah. Finding Yeezus is your newest foray into investigative journalism and light-hunted entertainment. Now, I want you to quickly summarize because we had you on here last time, the last two that you got through and how this started. Sure. All right. So do you want to explain the last two just quickly? Yes.
This is our first podcast we made for the ABC Mystery Investigation into a bizarre book that was based off Rocky Falls villain Ivan Drago humanizes the guy written by an elusive author that was presumed missing. But then I found a book that was new and signed by them. So we have to chase down who the author of this novel was. Excellent. Finding Desperados season two was our investigation to another elusive character.
Yee Ling, someone who held the Guinness World Record for youngest filmmaker back in the 1970s, who we believe was a fake record holder. And we make our way now to Finding Yeezus, the latest where we have discovered a video game called Kanye Quest based around the rapper Kanye West. That rumor has it is a video game created by a cult called Ascensionism as a recruitment tool to lure in young minds to their to their new age ways.
And we have evolved out of the podcast format into the video format. This is a fully fledged visual feast of a documentary series webisodes. What made you feel like you were ready to make that jump from, you know, the very comfortable comfortable comfy investigative format of podcasting, which, you know, is really revolutionized the whole industry of investigative journalism into video. Like, it's a web series.
It's a really great question. And you're absolutely right.
The Australian have gotten guys locked up based on fucking podcasts alone. Hopefully they can do a podcast on themselves, themselves locked up in the next cell.
But we'll talk about that later. A little bit of company in there. Yeah.
Hamish McLaren is currently behind bars from Who the Hell is Hamish? People are fucking getting locked up.
They got him and they got teacher's pet, right? And they got the teacher's pet.
So we figured, you know what? Let's let's lock more up. You can lock people up with a podcast. Imagine what you can do with a video. You can get people to kill themselves.
Yeah. Well, that's the end goal of cancel culture, really, isn't it? Yeah.
Like, have like, have a look what the media did to Melissa Caddick. Chopped her leg off and went for a swim. No, we well, we started working with Auntie Donna who are a sketch group from Melbourne.
Yes. I saw that in the first episode. Yes. So unbelievable. Well, yeah, in the first episode, we a big reveal and you know, it's out now so we can talk about it. But we we have a main suspect in this journey and I had a mutual friend with him on Facebook and that mutual friend was Mark from Auntie Donna. And so we reached out to him and said, hey, would you like to be in our podcast? And he said, yes. And then a few days later, he said, actually, maybe we could produce it for you guys. All right, kind of evolved from there into a video thing. Yeah.
Okay, so not their first rodeo. Not their first rodeo.
So basically, they can and will get a grant. Yeah, that's what that was saying to you. Yeah. Would you guys like to do this? Well, yeah. They help us get a grant. That's it. God bless him. Okay, that's um, that that is interesting. So he came up in your research. Yeah.
Give us the name of this first suspect you found. First suspect's name is Nick Lyons.
So the creator of this Kanye West video game who we all believe is a cult leader. He goes by the name of Phoenix. That's the mononym that he goes by online.
Yeah. But some other researchers before us have kind of narrowed it down to it seems likely to be a guy called Nick Lyons who's from Australia. Yeah.
But no one's been able to contact this guy or reach out to him or get an interview. They've disappeared from the internet. They have no like persona whatsoever online.
And so we've we figured all right, if Nick Lyons is Australian, maybe we could find him. We're in Australia, you know, and then all it took was literally typing the guy's name into Facebook and saying that I have a mutual friend with him. From the area where you think he's from anyway. Yeah, exactly. And then, you know, finding the reason that we were able to find them is because the people have suspected that they're a musician as well.
They're like make experimental music. Mancinesque. It is quite Mancinesque because, you know, the music that we found is extremely dark.
I hadn't even listened to this. I don't even know what genre. I would say it's discomfort music. I don't know what it is. Well, how would you describe it? Well, they wouldn't play it at the fish markets. I'm sorry.
No, no, no. Unmedicated Nick Cave. Unmedicated Nick Cave.
Yeah, it's lo-fi where you feel like the disruptive kind of sounds are intentional. Yes. And also, can I also just mention that this video game for anyone who's completely unfamiliar with this investigative kind of stakeout that these young gentlemen are engaging in. You might be in your mind envisioning something like the 50 Cent game that came out in, I think it was like 2003 around that Get Richard Died trying movie era. Yeah. Absolutely not a first-person player. No, it's like it looks a lot like like the traditional Pokemons like your red and blues totally gold very much inspired by Pokemon. It's that it's basically Pokemon, but you play as Kanye and you go around the battle top-down perspective RPG style game role-playing game and you go around battle wrapping other iconic rappers in attempt to become the number one in the world.
And I remember when it came out, I played it with some friends and it was like a very funny silly very meme style game that we all enjoyed. We forgot about it went viral at the time and then two years after it came out. It became popular again a viral sensation because people found this hidden level that hides the cult within it. Basically the hidden level that some one has just kept plugging away at in this game and unlock something well and truly out after it's out of your life.
Yeah, and and and and it makes sense really because when you look at the actual concept of that game Kanye West is a producer. He's not a battle rapper. So it's kind of like a it's a flimsy kind of concept and they're dealing with there has to be more to this. Yeah, and I mean, I want to ask now do you think they use Kanye West purely for the pun of Kanye Quest? I mean, it's one of the great puns. I reckon that that's because there's been nothing from Kanye on on this hazard. No, no, no, no. Kanye's busy Kanye's got shit going on. He's got a huge life albums personal stuff. Yeah, stuff in between personal and professional doxing the entire out of house board. But do tell us Kanye around this time that this game came out was Jesus the album.
And that's when we started seeing Kanye West going from the college dropout, you know, backpack wrap up. Yeah, backpack wrap. What was the addicted to retail? Yeah, yeah, Louis Vuitton don. Yeah, and the college anxiety middle-class America.
And then eventually from that Jesus we see him veering into cult leader himself. Yeah Messiah type complex stuff. Yeah. Yeah, we've seen those shows. I mean, if you have seen those shows, they're actually quite incredible where he does those Sunday services. Yeah, I can imagine if I was there I would be feeling all of that ascendants ascendants. And so how long did you think maybe maybe this might lead back to Chicago? Well, I you know, it's it's like you say it's not out of the realm of possibility that he could be a suspect of ours. And we you know, we work on a few theories of him being a suspect.
He even made a video game himself that not many people know about because it was never released. It was never finished, but it's a video game. You play as his mother Donda who passed away and it's a the game.
We would literally meant to be playing her on her journey from this realm unto the next as an angel flying to heaven ascending ascending. Yeah, you will have a spiritual journey. He's kind of tapped into like that spiritual religious aspect of like what is there after we pass from this mortal coil until the next coil.
And we are coil worth as Cameron and I this is a really curious story. This obviously has something to do with as you touched on before ascensionism, which is basically the belief that we can, you know, leave this plane of being using technology through, you know enhanced biology to ascend to a higher plane of consciousness. So were you able to make any contact with people who are from this cloth? There's actually a crazy amount of people out there that believe in this stuff and and it's, you know, we met a guy in the first episode who kind of grounded it for us a little bit because when you first hear of these sorts of cults ascensionism or whatever where it's about, you know, like merging with technology and living forever. It sounds like science fiction sounds like Blade Runner, but but then this guy that we met in the first episode who's an expert on this stuff basically put it in the context of hey, if you have a bionic limb, that's that's transhumanism. Even if you've got one of those monitors that monitor your diabetes for like how much insulin you have. Yeah, like that's transhumanism have a like a glass eye or whatever. If you wear smart glasses, that's it. So it is sort of with this within our grasps this idea of kind of merging with technology to extend your life or to make yourself greater than human. It's just that these cults take it to the next level where it's literally uploading your brain into a computer.
Is it a cloud? Are we talking clouds? Kind of the cloud. Yeah, like the cloud or like a which I have so many questions about.
So I'm like surely there's a finite amount of data out there and it's all just stuff that can be turned off and on. So what if you upload your whole family to the cloud and then someone pulls you out of the wall? Cameron threatened to try to get me uploaded to a Dell computer.
Yeah, that's nasty. I know it's the coolest thing I've ever done.
What about a Bosch? You could go worse than Dell. A Bosch computer. An Asus.
I've uploaded you to a dishwasher. A smart dishwasher. I hate doing the dishes.
But yeah, that is I guess the general theme of this cult that we're kind of tracking down is that they all believe in some way that human beings deserve to live forever or at least to transcend natural biology and sort of extend your life into the hundreds of years. And it kind of like the way that I saw it spiritualizes and factualizes stuff that is religious ideas of like heaven and stuff. It kind of is a way to guarantee an afterlife of some sorts to continue on in a digital space or maybe a digital version of heaven, maybe a digital version of Sydney, Australia, 1999 Matrix style. You know, walking around Martin Place for the rest of your life. It kind of makes the concept of heaven, you know, something real and tangible. It almost guarantees it. That's what I found fascinating.
The office hacker gets in there and packs heaven for a ransom of 1 million dollars. You can have your hands and feet back for 600 million Dogecoins.
But doesn't that sound like something Kanye would get behind? That sounds like something he'd sort of at least go through a period of being into and And it's also ahead of its time. If we're talking in 2013, just this year we've seen Zuckerberg with all his metaverse shit. And it's, I mean, I want to talk about the cult aspect here because there was a real, it's great to get back into cults.
There was a cult era and we know that was Jonestown, Manson, you know, those kind of, Heaven's Gate. Yeah, yeah, those massive Waco, all these rippers, right? A lot of mass Kool-Aid suicides and, you know, people really believed and there was an era when that was popping. A lot of people forget that Australia played such a big role in that era too.
Like, even if you look at someone like Julian Assange who came out of the family, I believe. Oh, is he from the family? Yeah, bouncing around communes in Queensland. And it just would not surprise me if something like Ascensionism, which you say has heaps of followers, kind of, did Australia give this to the world? Was this one of our great kind of, our great contributions to the cults of the world? And is there some sort of engine room in Australia? Because I'm looking at this investigation you're doing and there just keeps being links to Australia. Yeah, yeah. Whether that's through someone knows someone from Australia or like prime suspects in Australia.
Totally. It totally took us by surprise. I mean, we were expecting maybe we'd end up in Chicago, you know, chasing down Kanye or in Ohio or wherever he's based these days.
Aunty Donna will shout the flights. Yeah, but everyone kept pointing us back to Australia, whether it was Adelaide or Ballarat or, you know, different parts of the country. Ballarat. That's so strange that everything keeps pointing back to us.
Yeah. And that's kind of where we're at now. I think by the time this, when this episode is out, what episode, what are we up to? Episode three. Episode three, yeah. Yeah.
So, I mean, it's safe to say we don't leave the country in this documentary. We're not spoiling anything. We don't make it to the Windy City. Yeah. But we do travel around Australia a little bit and it's, yeah, man, they're out there.
There's freaks in this country. Yeah, I think we are, you know, if New Zealand is the nation of creeps. We are the nation of freaks. Yeah, we're freaks.
And we're proud of it. We fly that freak flag at half mast at the moment. But we do fly it. No, it's over, baby. Oh, wait. We've got a little wing. Everything's back to normal. I thought you were going to break into Radiohead for me. We don't belong here.
So, I want to know how you guys decide something is worth investigating. Is it because you find some sort of tangible link to Australia or does this shit just come back? Like, I know your first two, you spent a lot of time on the ground. Yeah, yeah. What is it that tickles your fancies and when is it that you two decide this is what we're doing? Well, I think it starts with us now, now that we've been doing them for a while. We go on a search for mysteries and we usually find a few, correlate a few that we work on. Almost just trying to like get a scope and a scale of what the stories are. And then there will just be something that catches us like where you just have that instinct of this something bigger here. There's enough here for a full scale investigation. And for us, I'd say it usually actually is that emotional aspect of the story where you have that connection to either some kind of source material or an idea. Here, of course, it was the connection to Mark where like, that's crazy. That's such a small, like divine coincidence of the world. But then also, I think it was like this spiritual aspect where as our first two series, Finding Drago, Finding Desperado, the podcast, those thematic questions and what they're about, they're about truth and lies, really like the interchangeable nature of truth and lies. And this one, we became very apparent that it was about belief and like why we believe in things. And also, it felt like an evolution of the work that we've already been doing, but on like a bigger scale as well. Like the nature of belief and like why we choose to believe things. And then I think that's kind of it. Like and then how can we connect it to like the pop culture space?
And for us, this one was immediately very clear, like it's video games, it's virtual reality, simulated lives, like, oh, this feels like the matrix. And I think that's how we were like able to tell the story visually as well, was like to connect it to the matrix and stuff. And it was like immediately like, oh yeah, that's awesome. We love the matrix.
Can I just say the reenactments where you have matrix characters reading out DMs that you've received from people you've made contact with. Contact with the editors.
Really good stuff. Yeah, that was the best stuff to film.
And we're not even in those scenes behind the camera with the director Max watching comedians that we know dressed up as the matrix. And making sure they deliver word perfect dialogue written by some guy on the Internet that is not meant to be read out loud or spoken conversationally. Is that true, by the way, when that person was halfway through a conversation you're having about ascensionism, this person tells you that they really liked your stuff on the ABC that they saw? I was talking to this Redditor and we're like DMing, so it's real time, you know, and then he he's clearly just gone off and started YouTubeing me or something halfway through our conversation. Watching clips of you doing stand up with his wife, like, yeah, this guy's funny.
Which, by the way, I've got to tell you, that clip of me is really bad. I don't want it up on the Internet. It's on the ABC's YouTube and it's me pretty much bombing.
But it's a great bit. The bit's undeniable. The bit's not bad, I don't know.
But like, yeah, so yeah, him and his wife liked it. Took a break from the investigative journalism to tell you that that's really good stuff. And then like, you know, you did well, man.
That was a tough room. But that's what these people are like. They're all really helpful, all these Internet people, because they just want to they want to solve this shit. Yeah, they want to be detectives and they they want to research and they want to connect. And this happened to, you know, now we're just literalising that shit by making actors wear leather trench coats and deliver the dialogue.
For anyone who's just heard about this for the first time right now listening to us, where do they find where are they going to find the three episodes now? It's on it's on a YouTube channel called Grasshouse. If if anyone out there is familiar with Auntie Donna, the sketch group, it's a YouTube channel that they run and they curate it. Some of their sketches are on there, but also sketch and web series from comedians they like are on there. There's a Sam Campbell web series on there at the moment and Aaron Chen one and a Ben Russell one. And where I think we're the first documentary series on there.
Yeah, but, you know, it's a funny documentary. So, yeah, it's called Grasshouse. You can check that out. It's almost kind of like, I would say, an adult swim of Australia. Yeah, that's the vibe they're going for.
Funny or die. Yeah, and brother, we're funny, we're not dying. Please don't vote die.
But it is a good it's a simple Google search finding Jesus.
And I am actually from the first episode, I said, I don't think this is going to go as deep as it did. And I and I really am puzzled and now I'm hooked. Yeah. And also you have you have the talent of the cliffhanger to every episode. Every episode ends and I'm like, fuck. Yeah, we're not afraid of the cliffhanger. We've got to watch another one. We had to learn that when we were making the first series, we just had normal structured endings.
And I think someone was like, actually, if you want to keep people engaged, you need to give them a little something. We had a lot of expertise dispelled on us from the actual true crime podcasters at the ABC. That were like they were such like vital helps and like how to like turn the storytelling from like wide storytelling to just being like really focused and getting really into the nitty gritty and making it really turbo.
It's so funny, too, because, you know, we're both comedians. So we come from the world of comedy. And but then we just we've learned all this journalistic stuff just from being around other real journals and real documentary makers. And now I can't stop thinking in that way. Well, in the first episode, you said that you two both.
Yeah, journalism degree dropout. You both went into journalism school and decided you actually grew a brain and decided there's no there's no future in this. And then, of course, podcasting came around and all of us in this room are like, fuck, if only we'd stuck at it. I know when I started uni, I was I wanted to get a job working for a paper or for a cool magazine like Rolling Stone. And in my first ever lecture at journalism, the guy was like, Prince is dead. Journalism is a dying art.
And I was like, what the fuck am I doing? And what am I going to do?
I dropped out. I dropped out real quick within a few months.
That's a real shame. So some of the great talent in this country was working for Zoo. Yeah, I know, I know. Pub ammo.
But now there's not even Zoo. There's no FHM. You can't get no lads mags. No, there's none.
Lads mags. You just go on Instagram and look at bikini models, putting them up themselves. They're not taking my jokes at missions at all. You need like, you need to, that's what was great about the lads mags is you had bikini girls, but then you'd have an interview with like Max Verstappen or something.
Henry Rollins. Yeah, Henry Rollins has done a piece.
What I find funny, speaking of kind of the bros that you unintentionally bringing with you on this journey, because Finding Drago was such a hit with the boxing community. And then we go into Finding Desperado. And now we're dealing with like digital ascension cloud religion slash Kanye West. And I reckon you've migrated these boxing gym lads from the very beginning. And I remember you guys were getting tickets off the back of Finding Drago. You were getting tickets to four gallon flights and stuff like that. And I think, I do think that everyone's following this golden thread of whatever the hell you guys find interesting. And they're on the journey with you. It'll be very interesting to see where you go next. We've stumbled into a fun little niche where essentially we get to make funny documentaries, like which has been the dream forever. I always loved Louis Theroux and I always loved that kind of stuff. That Safran type vibe. So, but we've kind of accidentally stumbled into that and hopefully we can continue down the path.
I reckon we're going to run out of niche mysteries pretty soon. We're going to have to start hitting the mainstream mysteries, like the Blue Mountains panther or, you know. Every boring town in Australia has a panther living in the mountain.
Every single one. Every single one has big cats.
And an escape from the circus. What do we have here in Betula? Well, you see, we're home to Australia's only saltwater bore.
Oh, wow. A lot of runoff. So we do have a lot of saltwater aquatic life. So I guess, you know, they're all confirmed.
Yeah. If you... don't say that. But...
I think it's one of the most beautiful creatures. And the dugong too. So, like, but I'd say probably our local animal. It's hard to say because most of the panthers here get shot and they're just big cats. And the myth of it being, you know, something escaping from the circus. Our animals have been stolen from SeaWorld.
Yeah, okay. That makes more sense.
Well, actually Underwater World, which is one of the underrated worlds, by the way. I didn't even know there was an Underwater World. Where's that? Underwater World. It's on the Gold Coast. Underwater World.
Are you serious? It's basically just like a massive tunnel. A tank? SeaWorld with a snorkel. Although, if you had a kid with a lisp, you wouldn't be taking it there, would you? What? It's hard to say for them. Underwater World. At lisp?
Every town has one of those, one of those creatures hiding in the bush somewhere. Every single town.
We could literally travel around the country and just go, what have you got? What did you have in Newcastle?
Oh, there's, again, like big cats. It's always big cats or something that they go, do you know there used to be a zoo down on Lake Macquarie and it was privately owned. And then in the 50s it got shut down and the guy just let the animals wild.
Wow. And then you do two seconds of digging into it and it's like, nah, that didn't happen.
They got transported. The animals, of course, got transported to Taronga or something like that. No one's letting them wild in the suburbs. They just let them out.
In Sydney we had the Trough Monster. Oh, the Trough Man. The Trough Man.
He comes up on way too many podcasts. Way too many podcasts, the way we do.
Well, he's our only urban legend in Sydney. And he's out of himself now too. Now he's just a legend. He's got to dust off the rank I direct and he's back.
Sydney, is it the 50 year Mardi Gras or the 30 year this year? Sydney pride, get back in the trough. Bring him back.
I went to the South Panthers game and I was trying to be Trough Boy there and no one would have it. I was like, come on guys.
More of a more urbanized kind of legend. I'm from Snowtown, so our one's pretty self-explanatory. Pretty iconic. Yeah, pretty famous.
Yeah, the bank. It's where I open my Dolomites account. It's so noisy in there. I want to ask if there's anything on your minds. Is there something you're seeing in the future for the two of you next? Oh, wow, yeah. I mean, I know we've just spitballed a bit while down more than the mountains.
There's so many. We've got a Google Doc filled with like potential stories or whatever.
Fuck, Optus Hacker if you're listening. Please don't Optus Hacker.
I want that list. If you are listening, please scrub me from the list. Please, please. I've got a few worrying emails this week, please.
But also your time's up because these guys might have to come for you. Yeah. And they've proven they've got form. They can get to the bottom of something like this. Yeah, I don't know what the main one is at the moment. But we've been kind of asking other people for submissions. So if you guys have any.
In fact, the other day, someone brought up the urban legend that Tim Friedman from the Whitlams has killed someone. I wouldn't put it past him. Blow up pokies. Damn. That one's not bad, but then there's... There's no aphrodisiac like homicide. I love that it's like an urban myth.
It's like, I mean, if you live in Sydney, you can just go down to where he drinks and ask him. Yeah, yeah. Where is he? Botany View, probably.
Oh, no. It's turned into a holy moly. Not again.
I think it was. The Sand Ring. That was their spot. Got drinks at the Sand.
Yeah. Well, thanks for joining us, guys. There's a Google Doc. I look forward to more of this. But most importantly, I look forward to the next couple of cliffhangers as you finish up this. How many episodes did you end up with? Five or six. Well, let me tell you this. We got that six. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
At the time, we were not sure, but we ended up pushing and we got six episodes. We won't spoil anything now, but we'll just let you know we solved the mystery. You did? We did. We solved it. It turns out we're actually pretty good at this time. In episode six, we get all the answers.
We go deeper than anyone has ever gone before. And this is one, or up until now, was one of the great unsolved mysteries of the internet. And there have been people that have had cracks. There have been people that have put in the work.
There's been some great YouTube essays and stuff like that about this. There's some great journalism.
But nobody has ever gotten answers before. Nobody has found people out there in the world.
And we'll just say we did solve this. Well, congratulations, guys, for backing yourself into this. Because I could also see a world where you just finished a series on episode five and go, I don't know. Pretty wild. Pretty weird stuff, guys. We chased a few rabbit holes. Yeah. Luckily, we're both obsessive people who would kill ourselves if we didn't solve the thing. So we had to do it.
So there were two outcomes. We had two endings planned. One of them was a real life ending as well. And one of them was we hope we catch somebody at the end of that rabbit hole.
Yeah. Look it up, everyone. Finding Jesus. It's out now. It's halfway through.
It'll be in our show notes.
Thanks for having us, you guys. We'll see you all across the Australian media landscape as we get closer to episode six, I reckon. Oh, yeah. We hope so. Thank you, guys. Thanks for flying us here as well. It's all good, guys. It's a hell of a yarn, you know. And let's go get a lobster mornay. Oh, yeah.
I'm a meter. I'm back at home.
You guys find interesting. And they're on the journey with you. It'll be very interesting to see where you go next. We've stumbled into a fun little niche where, essentially, we get to make funny documentaries, which has been the dream forever. I always loved Louis Theroux and I always loved that kind of stuff. That Saffran type vibe. Yeah. But we've kind of accidentally stumbled into that. And hopefully, we can continue down the path.
I reckon we're going to run out of niche mysteries pretty soon. We're going to have to start hitting the mainstream mysteries, like the Blue Mountains panther or, you know. Every boring town in Australia has a panther living in the mountain.
Every single one. Every single one has big cats.
And an escape from the circus.
Yes. What do we have here in Petula? Well, you see, we're home to Australia's only saltwater boar. Oh, wow. Wow. That's great. So, we do have a lot of saltwater aquatic life. So, I guess, you know, they're all confirmed.
Yeah. If you... Don't say that. But...
I think it's one of the most beautiful creatures. And the Juyong, too. So, like, but I'd say probably our local animal. It's hard to say because most of the panthers here get shot. And they're just big cats. And the myth of it being, you know, something escaping from the circus. Our animals have been stolen from Sea World.
Yeah, okay. That makes more sense.
Well, actually, Underwater World, which is one of the underrated worlds, by the way. I didn't even know there was an Underwater World. Where's that? Underwater World. It's on the god curse. Underwater World.
Are you serious? It's basically just like a massive tunnel. A tank? Sea World with a snorkel? Yeah, yeah. Although, if you had a kid with a lisp, you wouldn't be taking it there, would you? What? It's hard to say for them. Underwater World. A lisp?
Every town has one of those, one of those creatures hiding in the bush somewhere. Every single town.
We could literally travel around the country and just go, what have you got? What did you have in Newcastle?
Oh, there's, again, like big cats. It's always big cats or something that they go, do you know, there used to be a zoo down on Lake Macquarie and it was privately owned. And then in the fifties it got shut down and the guy just let the animals wild. And it's like, and then you do two seconds of digging into it and it's like, nah, that didn't happen. They got transported. The animals, of course, got transported to Taronga or something like that. No one's letting them wild into the suburbs. They just let them out.
In Sydney we had Troph Monster. Oh, Troph Man. Troph Man.
He comes up on way too many polkas, the way we do. Well, he's our only urban legend in Sydney. And he's outed himself now too. Now he's just a legend.
He's got to dust off the Rancite direct and he's back. Sydney, is it the 50-year Mardi Gras or the 30-year this year? Sydney Pride, get back into Troph. Yeah, we'll bring him back.
I went to the South Panthers game and I was trying to be Troph Boy there and no one would have it. I was like, come on guys.
More of a more urbanised kind of legend. No, well, I'm from Snowtown so our one's pretty self-explanatory. Pretty iconic. Yeah, pretty famous.
Yeah, the bank. That's where I opened my Dolomites account. So noisy in there. I want to ask if there's anything on your minds. Is there something you're seeing in the future for the two of you next? Oh wow, yeah. I mean, I know we've just spitballed about it while down the mountains. There's so many. We've got a Google Doc filled with like potential stories or whatever.
Optus Hacker, if you're listening. Please don't Optus Hacker.
I want that list. If you are listening, please scrub me from the list. Please, please. I've got a few worrying emails this week, please.
But also your time's up because these guys might have to come for you. Yeah. And they've proven they've got form. They can get to the bottom of something like this. Yeah, I don't know what the main one is at the moment. We've been kind of asking other people for submissions. So if you guys have any.
In fact, the other day someone brought up the urban legend that Tim Friedman from the Whitlams has killed someone. I wouldn't put it past him. Blop pokies. Damn. That one's not bad. But then there's... There's no aphrodisiac like homicide. I love that it's like an urban myth. It's like, I mean, if you live in Sydney, you could just go down to where he drinks and ask him. Yeah, yeah. Where is he? Botany View probably. Oh, no. It's turned into a Holy Moly. Not again. I think it has. That was their spot. Got drinks at the Sander. Yeah.
Well, thanks for joining us, guys. There's a Google Doc. I look forward to more of this. But most importantly, I look forward to the next couple of cliffhangers as you finish up.
How many episodes did you end up with? You said five or six. Well, let me tell you this. We got that six. Oh, yeah. At the time we were not sure, but we ended up pushing and we got six episodes. We won't spoil anything now, but we'll just let you know we solved the mystery. You did? Yes. We solved it. Well, it turns out we're actually pretty good at this. In episode six, we get all the answers.
We go deeper than anyone has ever gone before. And this is one, or up until now, was one of the great unsolved mysteries of the Internet. And there have been people that have had cracks. There have been people that have put in the work.
There's been some great YouTube essays and stuff like that about this. There's some great journalism.
But nobody has ever gotten answers before. Nobody has found people out there in the world.
And we'll just say we did solve this. Well, congratulations, guys, for backing yourself into this, because I could also see a world where you just finished a series on episode five and go, I don't know. Pretty wild. Pretty weird stuff, guys. We chased a few rabbit holes. Yeah. Luckily, we're both obsessive people who would kill ourselves if we didn't solve the thing. So we had to do it.
So there were two outcomes. We had two ending plans. One of them was a real life ending as well. And one of them was we hope we catch somebody at the end of that rabbit hole.
Yeah. Look it up, everyone. Finding Yeezus. It's out now. It's halfway through.
It'll be in our show notes.
Thanks for having us, guys. And it's going to be all across the Australian media landscape as we get closer to episode six, I reckon. We hope so. Thank you, guys. Thanks for flying us here as well. It's all good, guys.
It's a hell of a yarn, you know. And let's go get an lobster mornac. Oh, come with me. I'm back at home. |
TheOnion | New_PS4_Feature_Allows_User_To_Close_Eyes_And_Imagine_Really_Fun_Game | Touting it out as the future of immersive gaming technology, Sony representatives at this week's E3 unveiled their latest update for the PlayStation 4, a feature called Interplay that allows gamers to close their eyes and imagine that they're playing a really fun game. With Interplay on PS4, all gamers have to do is hold down the touch bar during startup, close their eyes, then picture a scenario of their choosing to have an amazing ultra-realistic game come to life in their very own minds. They can imagine any game at all. It could be a role-playing world in which they were the most powerful wizard in history or a football game in which they're the star quarterback throwing the game-winning touchdown. It's an endlessly customizable experience and the best part for gamers is it's happening right inside their own heads.
Early responses have been highly positive.
Those given a glimpse of the new feature in Sony's booth noted that they had experienced an unprecedented level of gameplay immersion. It's totally unlike anything I've played before. First off, the graphics are phenomenal. It actually makes me feel like I'm in outer space fighting off a space mage with a plasma sword.
Now I'm booting in multiplayer. This is great. I don't even have to wait for my health to boost back up because I just made myself invincible and killed everyone on the server in one shot.
However, some have expressed frustration with Interplay's intensity, criticizing the disorientation that accompanies a game which taps into the deepest aspects of players' psyches. Well, that sucked. The second I closed my eyes, I was assaulted by hundreds of these boss characters who looked just like my stepdad. They were all criticizing me at once, so no matter how much I tried to level up, I was just never strong enough to fight him. The naked sorceress who looked like a mix between my ex-girlfriend, my fourth grade teacher, and 80s era Michelle Pfeiffer was pretty great though. |
TheOnion | NASA_Continues_Search_For_Planet_Capable_Of_Supporting_NASA | Following today's press conference in which NASA announced its continuing search for a planet capable of supporting NASA, researcher Dr. Kenneth Heiser sat down with Onion reporters to detail their ongoing mission to find a NASA habitable planet. Our objective is to find a planet capable of nurturing not just life, but also a sustained interest in the exploration of the cosmos. Now, such a planet would need to have water and proximity to light and heat, but also life forms with even the vaguest understanding of the importance of astronomical exploration. Ultimately, this would need to be a planet with organisms that have a genuine interest in expanding the limits of their knowledge. Heiser added that any planet capable of supporting NASA would need to be able to generate a steady stream of financing to meet the agency's $18 billion annual budget. While Heiser admitted the unlikelihood of coming across such a fertile celestial environment in the near term, he revealed there have been a few promising leads. Well, we did locate a planet approximately 60 light years away that we felt could provide an adequate level of funding for our research, but our analysis showed that the air was in fact toxic and would kill every NASA employee in well under 30 seconds. The important thing is we just need to be patient. There's a limitless number of planets in the universe and eventually we'll find one with the resources to support our work. We just have to, right? For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Big_Decision_The_Great_Resignation_More_November_19 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin, we're hoping you're enjoying the silly season, the heat is finally upon us, things are looking up after a fucking ordinary year for a lot of you, Queensland of course has remained the same, how are you going Errol? I'm alright mate, good to be up in here in Queensland, you know once again we're seeing the example of how you remain open to parts of the country and keep this virus at bay, it could be a combination of things whether it be our outdoor lifestyles, our love to wash our hands and just you know performing basic hygiene. Yeah these hoity-toity types from Sydney and Melbourne are always taking shots at us but things have been pretty good up here for the last couple of years. And they're all forgetting of course the one thing we learnt early on in this pandemic is that the virus hates the heat. And look if they want to keep on carrying on and you know heaping all this criticism upon the great state of Queensland we'll just have to upset them by returning Scott Morrison to power in May, how are they like it then?
That would teach him a real lesson, which leads us into our next story about the Prime Minister who said that if he has to choose he'll take Scotty from marketing over the liar from the shire. Not a light decision to make for the marketing man himself. Scott Morrison, after his relentless attempts to play politics at every opportunity and market himself as the most relatable bloke in the country for the last few years, the PM has been hit with another tag, one that is even less endearing than Scotty from marketing. Yes it is the liar from the shire. Yeah the nickname stuck at the back end of last week after he claimed that he never told a lie in public office, which you know as a politician they all have. I mean it just goes without saying of course his fabrications of the truth were pointed out and then you know he was forced to choose between his new nickname and his odd one. He understandably turned down the liar one. Yeah I think he spoke with you didn't he Clancy and he said he hates that nickname Scotty from marketing because it makes him look like a fuckwit that tries to distract Australians from his fuck-ups by getting photographed with athletes and much more important leaders from the powerful English-speaking nations. And then he said but yes I would prefer that nickname over the nickname that makes me look like a fuckwit that tries to hide my fuck-ups by lying through my bleached Hillsong teeth.
Interesting insight there. Here in town and a heavily leveraged owner of a shitbox apartment has revealed that he's not that keen on joining the great resignation. No Brad Day he's an area sales manager in our town's fabled French Quarter. He says he wishes he could just quit his job and see what happens. After reading plenty of articles about this new trend which is seeing people leave their employment and look for better work-life balance Brad said that news just made him sad. Not for him. Yes with a whopping mortgage repayment due at the end of every month the local 30-something said he doesn't reckon he'll be aimlessly resigning until he retires which will probably be at the age of 75 if things keep going the way they do. And then there were a couple comments on that article too with all these people saying that you know well you know you don't quit your job until you've got another one to go to but if you're that heavily leveraged I mean it's a very easy thing to say if you're just you know a lowly renter but if you've got the pressure of paying you know six to seven thousand dollars a month in mortgage repayments sometimes you just don't want to rock the boat. Yeah yeah can't afford a couple of weeks here and there looking for job interviews and all that sort of stuff. Just needs parents who work harder I reckon. Yep. Now some more news from Batuda.
A local woman has been finally able to have a good cry after holding off for 24 hours since her lash extensions. Yes Elise Holland from up there in Batuda Heights explained the cost of having long thick beautiful eyelashes put on her face, artificial ones of course, like never being able to rub her eyes again and no crying for the first 24 hours after a retouch very frustrating apparently holding it all in for the day long grace period it takes for the lash glue to dry. Which in this case wasn't ideal particularly when Elise discovered that her ex-partner Savannah had just gone and got a new girlfriend which she decided to plaster all over her Instagram story. With a few hours to go Elise told her she just had to hold it together until the clock ticked over she was able to have a good cry. But just a bit of a sidebar here I always thought that these lash extensions were taken from dead horses.
No they get they buy them from funeral parlors. Ah right just scat them right off. Yeah well I mean you think we'll be able to make them out officially.
It's a diner organ situation. We can put a man on the moon but we can't make fake eyelashes. It's an organ diner situation I believe. Certainly something to be listened to. This is why people hate scientists.
Finishing up with another story of courtship and a local bloke has attempted one last effort to pull by casually flashing his crypto portfolio in the middle of a nightclub dance floor. Matthew Fitzgerald Gibbs another double barrelled surname from another crypto investor in this town apparently this Matthew fellow resorted to some pretty desperate tactics in the dating arena over this past weekend after attempts at conversing with strangers went largely ignored and the clock ticking closer and closer to lights on, Matty apparently decided to pull out his crypto wallet to wow some potential suitors. Sporting a board and tied fellow club Aleni against the wall in the corner instead of just leaving her at peace until she found out where her friends were Matt decided to start telling her about the benefits of Ethereum and how he got in when it was 300 bucks and of course gave her a few unintentional flashes of his crypto holdings as well. Yeah I think he also told her to invest in some shitcoin he'd heard of that was about to moon and was later seen trying to grab a dart off some bloke in the smoking area so it didn't work out for Matt. Every time I see a person getting flogged out the front of a pub or a club by the bouncers you know being choked into unconsciousness around the side I try to imagine it's someone like Matthew and I just keep walking. That is quite a satisfying visual I guess Errol and we will leave that with the listeners hope they can enjoy it too and we'll be back again next week have a good weekend bye bye |
cracked | 4_movie_tropes_that_become_insane_if_you_swap_genders_yboc_dceu_rom_coms_film_noir | Hey there nerds, it's me, Dr. Jordan Breeding, and you're watching another episode of Your Brain on Cracked, the only show on the internet not afraid to ask the types of hard-hitting questions that inevitably lead to hard-hitting penis joke answers. And the only show on Cracked, where my eyelashes just look like this, leave me alone, today we'll uncomfortably diagnose. Most movies don't usually strive for any grand, thought-provoking statements, more provocative than, hey, I think that genocidal water goblins are bad, actually. And yet, sometimes the way they go about defeating admiral gobble gobble corn is so bat-shit bonkers, they accidentally reveal, oh no, the writers have some really weird thoughts about how they just assume gender works. For example...
Look, I'm not afraid to say it. Sex is pretty great. Ten out of ten would recommend two thumbs up. Way up there. But it's important to remember that I'm a legal adult of sound mind and fully conscious about two-thirds of the time if I'm having a really good week. But movie men, by contrast, aren't so worried about those things.
They're just like horny Oliver Twist, walking out to any random woman begging, please, ma'am, could I have some more sex, please, my lady? We don't think twice about it because Oliver's a boy, therefore the only thing in the world he wants is afternoon sex soup. But let's do some thought experiments with now Olivia Twist and allow the freakin' horror to just wash over us. Alright, let's get the most obvious recent example out of the way.
It is flat out bonkers that the writers of Wonder Woman 1984 couldn't think of any way to bring back Chris Pine without him mentally hijacking some random dude's penis and using it to pleasure an 800-year-old goddess. This is a comic book movie for crap's sake. The hijacking happens with literal magic. Why couldn't they just use that same magic to conjure him out of thin air or transform a particularly striking oak tree into a stiff wooded human for a while? There's no in-universe reason why you'd have to inhabit an existing hottie's naughty body. Here's some hypothetical multiverse scenario where Gene Roddenberry is finally allowed to release his long-awaited Justice League sequel where Lois Lane has died. In it, Superman will be so horned up for that sweet ginger-loving he'll find a way to bring her back in the body of some random innocent BuzzFeed journalist who he then plows repeatedly, superly.
That feels weird, yeah? Too easy? Okay.
There's a reason it's age of consent laws and not height and weight limit of consent laws. Presumably, there's a certain amount of life that needs to be lived before gaining the necessary emotional maturity to enter into a sexual relationship with an adult. This 12-year-old child's first sexual encounter is with a 20-something-grown-ass, fine-ass woman. I imagine that'll greatly affect his sexuality later in life. Having trouble seeing this as an issue? Imagine a 12-year-old girl suddenly physically maturing in the going-down on Mr. Rogers.
Not a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Not beautiful at all.
And speaking of underage sexual encounters, I've already discussed how upsetting it is that Blank Check sends a pre-teen boy on several days with a fully-developed CIA agent woman who he ultimately makes out with. And that's creepy predatory grooming as is, but imagine it's flipped. Now a young girl with a lot of money is charmed by an adult man into taking him on several dates while he gathers information on her and also runs with her through water fountains until they're adorably pervertedly soaking wet.
Later, he kisses her full on the mouth and says, He'll wait for her bad day in the neighborhood! The worst day! Someone who's hurt my friend and not just on his face.
But hey, at least all these characters are supposedly of sound mind without freaking Forrest Gump. Without getting all into it, I personally believe that it's bad for a woman with AIDS to have sex with a mentally handicapped man who's been obsessing over her for decades. But man, it is a lot worse the other way! But hey, at least the screenwriter says that his unproduced sequel, Gump Day, would have started with Little Gump's little boy having AIDS. So that sucks. Irrespective of gender.
You know, speaking of genders, or more specifically biological sex, did you know that two and three men will experience some form of hair loss by the time they're 35? I mean, I've still got a few years and hopefully hairs to go before I hit that shiny, smooth milestone. But that's the whole point. Once you're full on bald, there's no amount of electroshock therapy or spicy wing eating that'll bring all your hair back. What you need to do is be preventative and KEEP'S the hair you got. And that's what's great about KEEP'S. Through them, a licensed doctor will review your information online so you don't even have to go outside or put on pants to get hair better. And they'll recommend the right hair loss treatment plan for you specifically. Then your treatment is shipped directly to your door every three months, and even better, KEEP'S offers generic versions of the FDA-approved medications for hair loss which keeps it affordable so you can spend your money on more important things like hats. Because treatments usually take between four to six months to start, just so you know. So the sooner you start using, the sooner, the more hair you can save. And the better looking your head banging will be. So if you're ready to take action and prevent hair loss, go to keeps.com slash cracked, or click the link in the description and receive 50% off your first order.
That's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash cracked. Again, that's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash cracked.
In the real world, human life is a precious thing to be protected at all costs. In a movie, lives are to be snuffed out as punchlines. Human bodies are blasted into pieces any time a film needs to pick up the momentum. And when I say human bodies, I specifically mean man bodies, or dad bodies, or daddy bodies. Yeah, we talk about how filmmakers and moviegoers are desensitized to violence, but that's not entirely true. It's only violence against men.
In this fleeting moment of awesomeness from Batman v Superman that thankfully has nothing to do with a physically handicapped man's jar of piss, Batman bursts up through the floor and pounds a group of thugs in a ground-up batch. Pretty fun, right? Now imagine it's a warehouse full of women.
Everything else is the same. They're still armed, still up to no good.
But all the heads that Batman smashes into the floor have ponytails and eyeshadow, and every time one of their collarbones gets crushed, it's a woman's voice screaming out in pain. I doubt that sequence even makes it into the theater. Somebody at the studio would get Zack Snyder some counseling as soon as they saw the script. It's not because women would be no physical match for Batman, because nobody is a match for Batman.
He's tearing through those guys like a rat terrier loose in a hamster cage. The fact is, that kind of violence towards women would just hit you in the gut. When it's dudes, it's either awesome or hilarious. You can do this with any action movie, though.
Imagine watching Return of the Jedi, only every time a stormtrooper head is bashed in by an Ewok, you hear a female scream. It would be chilling. The cops would kick in George Lucas' door to check his freezer for a crowd of female corpses.
I have a knack for it. I studied it very well.
And remembering the two towers when Legolas and Gimli whimsically count out their kills, can you picture that being the same kind of fun if they were female orcs? Ha ha! Got that one in the ovaries! Seventy!
In fact, find any movie in which a human death is treated as slapstick, make the victims female, and you are left with a video suitable only for a serial killer's crawl space. Imagine Indiana Jones just hilariously shooting three women with a single bullet. At the very least, it becomes deeply uncomfortable, and suddenly you remember, hey, wasn't Steven Spielberg kind of going through a rough divorce when he made this movie?
And no, I'm obviously not demanding Hollywood show or women getting butchered to make it all equal. And I'm not even really demanding that they show us fewer dead dudes. I just feel like it's worth pointing out how we've definitely been conditioned to react a certain way to on-screen brutality.
And the difference between dread and hilarity is usually whether or not the victim has a penis. That's weird, right? Maybe I shouldn't have even brought it up. I'm sorry. Unless... I've got a hypothesis that rom-coms would be no fun at all if you flip the genders. So let's start with a quick case study.
While you were sleeping is a movie about Lucy, a cute plucky woman who works in the ticket booth for a train station. She crushes from afar in a guy named Peter, whom she's never actually met, when one day he falls onto the tracks and into a coma. Lucy pretends to be his fiance so she can see him in the hospital room since only family are allowed in okay already wearing restraining order territory. And you can see how this is the beginning of a horror movie if Lucy is a dude. But anyway, Peter's family eventually shows up and Lucy continues the lie, even though deceiving a family about their comatose son goes well beyond soap opera villain sh**y. Over the course of a few weeks, the family accepts her as one of their own, since that's what she claims to be. And right when you think it can't get any worse, she ends up falling in love with Peter's brother, Jack, forcing Jack into the greatest moral quandary of his life. She's seducing him while also manipulating him into thinking he's betraying his comatose brother.
Welcome to the family. Oh, thank you.
When Peter awakens from his coma, he naturally has no memory of Lucy, but he decides to do the right thing and it proposes her again. And despite now being in love with Jack, Lucy accepts.
And when her boss asks her why she's doing such an unspeakably sh**y thing, she says it's because she's sad. And the family is rich. You might as well shoot Grandma.
Again, this is portrayed as a cute Sandra Bullock romantic romp. We're supposed to be somehow rooting for her through all this, despite the fact that she's like one diaper and a taser and a penis away from a gritty, true crime documentary. And the day another did. Thankfully, while literally at the altar, she admits that she made the whole thing up. Oh, she's going to go with her heart after all.
But wait, how mind f**ked is Peter right now? He fell into a coma and woke up with a fiance he doesn't know. But then oops, she turned out to be a con artist stalker in love with his brother. What? That should be the opening paragraph of Peter's reasonably justified suicide letter. But no, Lucy runs away in shame and then Jack still shows up to propose to her and he brings along the whole family. And Peter, I guess, joins a cult.
Because what the hell else can you do at that point? Pull the plug. You're sick.
Imagine a man blasting 12 million megawatts of gaslight into a woman's life like that. Suddenly it'd be all problematic and truly twisted sh**. But that's just one movie. Consider others like a man pretending to be a woman to join a female soccer team and bunk with an attractive, often nude female roommate he falls in love with and he's the man. Or a man trying to emotionally manipulate a woman until she leaves him in How to Lose a Girl in 10 Days. And I've mentioned before the weirdness of the sh** triangle of love in the notebook. We're back to that. But that's also basically the plot of Bridget Jones, Reality Bites and 100 other movies where a woman flips back and forth between two men and is a cheating dirtbag in the process.
The straight rom-com genre survives almost entirely on the protagonist's lack of dicks. Speaking of dicks, specifically of the gumshoe variety, let's talk about femme fatales for a second. Typically found in hardboiled detective and or film noir films, not only do these lusty ladies possess vaginas and legs that stretch for miles. The sexy legs are almost always used to seduce good men into doing terrible things. Women who use their sexuality to achieve a certain outcome are basically always evil, or at least incredibly conflicted. Their husky-voiced red-lipped sex appeals the entire source of their power and evidently their naughtiness because this is not a two-way rain-soaked back alley. See, attractive flirtatious men with dicks that stretch for miles are conversely basically always the hero. James Bond skillfully uses his little PP7 to turn villainous beauties to the light side. Bond may later use his other PP7 to shoot those women into beautiful corpses, but they deserved it. Because whereas men can use their rippling pecs and overwhelming chest hair for the good of humanity, overt female sexuality can only be used to destroy, apparently.
Now, some of this comes from the true history of sex espionage. As early as the 1920s, Russians were using ballerinas to have sexy spy sex with important marks in order to elicit valuable information alongside less valuable juices. But the Russians aren't the only ones with attractive ladies, known as sparrows, and the past hundred years of spycraft have been absolutely moist with their fielded bedwork. But women aren't the only ones capable of setting a honey trap. We also know there's such a thing as honey-dicking. I bet you got him in here as a honey-dick just in case I'm gay, but I'm not. There are several examples throughout history of men called ravens also sleeping with the enemy for information.
It's basically a reverse Michael Jordan, Mia Hamm, Gatorade campaign, but sweatier. So why don't we see these hunks in war movies? Those bro fatals. Well, for two reasons. And before you say anything, no, the reasons aren't both testicles.
The first seems to be an extension of the assumption that men can't help but have sex with anything that walks within 10 feet of them. Men are evidently so ready for sex at any moment that it's clearly the number one way to corrupt them without offering them a chance to play the new halo beta or whatever. Movies still mostly assume that sex isn't even really for women. So the only thing that could bring down a virtuous woman is shopping.
Am I right, fellas? Yeah, you know what you mean.
But the second reason is that a majority of these ravens actually slept with men. After all, men historically have been more likely to hold positions of power and privilege.
So, you know, you got to get that dick one way or another. I got some stank dicks. Yo, my dick stinks!
But apparently that's not a film anybody's willing to make or trust audiences with.
Until now. The night was moist. Too moist. Are you Jordan? The way he talked was as moist as the night.
I bet his dick stretched for miles. My dick stretches for miles, by the way. I knew it.
If you're here to ask me to do evil, I won't do it. What if I show you my miles long dick? Yeah, all right, I'll do some evil. |
dropout | dr_manhattan_s_pants | This city is a festering limb. And we're its only prosthesis. You're late, Manhattan. I'm afraid things are more dire than Rorschach asserts. Earth is on a path toward nuclear annihilation unless we intervene.
Right. Manhattan, why don't you throw in some clothes and we'll get to work. That won't be necessary. Of course. Why is that? I've transcended the need for clothes. Right. Why don't you just tell us about this apocalypse? You can wear clothes, right? They won't melt off or anything.
Night owl, you seem preoccupied. Maybe he just didn't have time. Please. He controls time. I'm sorry.
That came out angry. Can't you just teleport to Sears? Very well. God, that was weird. So he doesn't like wearing clothes. He's very advanced. His junk. It was majestic. It is done. Great. Ah. What's the matter?
Pants. I obviously meant pants. You never specified. Does this satisfy your mortal need for pants? Look, I want zero pantsless people. A pantless body contains the same number of molecules as one with pants, night owl.
Observe. Whoa. Hello. Put Osmani's pants back on now. Actually, you know what, night owl, I don't really mind.
This actually feels quite good. You guys should try this. No one else is getting pantsless. I feel so free. You're like a boy, like a dancer boy. These costumes, they're what define us. If that is how you truly feel, then I should seek out a dimension that doesn't need pants.
Maybe I'll create one. Nice work. Look, we have to give humanity something worth fighting for. Just... What are you doing?
These are super itchy. |
TheOnion | Blockbuster_Offers_Glimpse_Of_Movie_Renting_Past | A new tourist destination in Auburn Hills, Michigan, is showing visitors the difficulties life held for Americans in the past. Blockbuster Video aims to transport visitors to a time before the internet as an historically authentic recreation of a video store, a specialty shop where customers exchanged money for the short-term use of videos in an archaic system called renting. The tour is amazing. It's like stepping into a time machine. It's hard to believe that people live this way. A historical research team spent three years making sure every last detail was accurate from the signs used to promote the store's merchandise to the costumes worn by the store's employees, historical performers who make history come alive for tour groups twice an hour.
My character is based on an actual Blockbuster employee named Jerome who worked there from May of 1999 to June 2000. My main responsibilities are to man the cash register and to put the movies from the return slot back onto the shelves. I am a Blockbuster customer named Kathy. Two times a week, I travel six miles to rent and return videos.
Oh look, we're in the comedy section. What's so poignant about this time is the uncertainty.
When you get to the Blockbuster, are they going to have your video, did someone else rent it? Is there going to be a line, are the alarms going to sound when you walk out the front door?
It's very difficult for the people that live during this era. Actors say their job is to create a historically authentic experience. Yes, we have it, but our only copy is currently checked out. After the organized tour, visitors are allowed to move around the store exploring the so-called living museum. It's really amazing that people had to go through so much just to get a movie. Blockbuster joins a growing number of historical tourism sites including Buffalo, New York's recreation of Virgin Records Music Store and Iowa City's Borders Bookstore Museum. |
cracked | why_no_man_s_sky_reminds_us_of_our_existential_nightmare_escort_mission | Oh, so this is for you. You can toss it. Some of these are bills, man. Or pay my bills, whatever. It's all meaningless bullshit, anyway. Just put your little slabs of carbon wherever you want on the larger slab of carbon.
Hey, hey, hey, come here, man. Come here, buddy.
No, no. Get your carbon off of me.
Oh. So what's up, dude? Huh?
You've been playing this game for like two weeks. You still haven't beaten it? It's No Man's Sky. You don't beat it. You just keep playing it endlessly, journeying from place to place.
What's the point? There is no point. That's the point.
It's gold. Oh, okay. So this is like the futility of Rich's level. No, it's not. Okay. I didn't mean every aspect is some artsy-fartsy metaphor. You just said that.
I am collecting resources to upgrade my ship. If I don't upgrade my ship, then I can't keep wandering the galaxy. Basically, I have to work to maintain all my stuff because it constantly wears out or breaks down, like in real life. And why don't you buy a better ship with your space gold?
I wish. Better ships cost millions of units. Space dollars. And, at most, I'll get like 50 grand out of this. Now if it was aluminum, I'd get double that.
Good luck finding aluminum. Aluminum is more expensive than gold and harder to find? What they don't have smelting in this universe with space travel?
It's unclear. Some things are unclear.
But look, even if I bought a better ship, that one will just break down too. Everything does. It's life, man. Although, a better ship would give me a couple more inventory spots and I could haul more shit around and visit more planets, which, you know, really makes you think.
Why don't you just use your materials to build a storage warehouse or expand your space mansion on your home planet or whatever? They don't have that. Warehouses? Shelter of any kind. You can't settle down on a planet and call it home.
You're always a visitor. Just like.
Then what's that icon that says shelter over there? That's an alien settlement. So the aliens get to have houses, but you don't? Well, they're clearly more advanced. You mastered space travel. Putting a roof over your head is way in the rear of your mirror. You don't get it, man.
This game is about the lonely journey of life. The wonder of discovery and the pain of solitude.
It's not sims in space. Is there a sims in space?
Because I would play that. I would play that right now. I would shove you off that couch to play that right now.
Look, the awesome thing about the game is its scope. The game designers created a universe with like a bajillion different procedurally generated planets. You know, it's massive. Almost every planet has unique plant and animal life and you can guarantee that you're the first person to ever be there and probably the only person who will ever go there. Except aliens. They're AI. I'm talking about the people playing the game.
Look, I'll show you. Ah, it's a different color. Yeah. Right? You noticed.
Look. Look at this guy.
Yeah. That doesn't make biological sense. Yeah, yeah. I feel like that one doesn't really add up. But I saw one kind of like this a couple planets ago, but it had like Stegosaurus-y plates. That was cool. So wait, the animals are just repeats with minor tweaks? Well, yeah.
They're procedurally generated. The computer only has a few hundred different animal parts to randomly match together.
Do you ever see a creature you haven't seen before? No, not really. Although once in a while you do get a really crazy one. Look at this guy. What the fuck? Is this the planet of Dr. Moreau? Haha. No, bud.
That's a good name. I'm going to call this planet and every other planet I discovered that. Oh, you get to name the planets? Oh, yeah, man. I discovered them.
You mean after the aliens did? Yes, after the fucking aliens did.
I am the first member of my species to see this planet, so I get to name it. And who sees the name? Nobody.
Probably. I mean, the chances of someone actually making it to my galaxy and stumbling across my planet are very remote, due to the size of the game universe. So this game basically makes you fly from place to place, forces you to spend the bulk of your time collecting stuff to keep playing, and lets you name things that AI aliens have already discovered, but that no actual human will ever see or know. Basically.
So the human experience you're having is disappointing? Look, okay, maybe the game got overhyped a little, alright? So you know, it's bound to be a little disappointing.
But there's still something very cool and revolutionary about knowing that this is my unique experience. Yeah, yeah. You know, who cares if no one cares or sees it? It's... and you're here now, so this is like a unique thing for us. It's ours.
Okay, okay, okay. Hey, you want a little carbon, buddy? Maybe. Yeah, come here. Come here. Yeah. There you go.
By the way, your rent is like way overdue. Oh, this endless resource grinding. And again, these are mostly bills, so... BILLS! You need help paying them, or?
Hi guys, thanks for watching another Escort Mission. Don't forget to like and subscribe.
And I gotta say, personally, I'm not... I've already decided I'm not going to have time for No Man's Sky, but I do want to see your craziest monsters. So please link us in the comments to like, just the wackiest animals you've seen, because that's really all I care about. Yeah, or your favorite names for planets, right? Yeah, I don't even care about those. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Heartbroken_Tradies_South_Africans_An_NRL_Player_Learns_To_Read_29_0_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin. It's a big week. Rugby league is back. There's a lot going on and lockdown restrictions are loosening.
My name's Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, and I'm joined today of course by the news reader, the channel country's favorite news reader, Wendell Hussey. How are you, Wendell? I'm very well, thank you, Clancy. I'm a little bit sore and a little bit brittle after the return of rugby league last night, but it's good to have it back and it does finally feel like things are getting back to normal now. How are you? I'm well, thanks, mate. It's all going well.
We've got a big weekend ahead of us. Finally, haven't said that in a while. What's in the news this week, mate? First up, and local tradies are reportedly heartbroken after a 2014 stereosonic pinger rat has reinvented herself as an earthy insta-mum. Yes, this is the biggest story of the week.
One prominent influencer, Kylie, has traded in the techno music and pingers for henna tattoos and weekends in the great outdoors with her two beautiful kids, Echo and Sage. A lovely transition, and Jai was the spokesman we talked to from the construction industry, and he explained that as one of her 94,000 followers who wasn't a bot from some random corner of the world, he said he's devastated that the softcore pornography has made way for more wholesome spiritual content. And look, it's worth saying I understand their frustrations, but I think tradies have had it pretty good through the whole pandemic thing, and Jai's probably charging someone 150 bucks an hour to track this young mother's transition from Avicii to essential oils.
So it's probably not the end of the world for him and his mates. There's always websites for people like that. Yeah, he'll be able to get it somewhere else. So you're right, I don't think it is the end of the world.
And onto some news from our little desert shire now, a landlord has been forced to fix the mold issues. Now his investment property has to compete for tenants. Yes, the red-faced 72-year-old property owner named Graham Pooley is crying poor after having to actually spend money on his property in the strengthening renter's market. He said it's pretty frustrating how much tenants can actually stand up for themselves. Yeah, it certainly sounds like it's been a real shock to the system for people like Graham.
I mean, at least they do have a little old thing called negative gearing, so he won't actually be out of pocket in the long run. And there was a comment on this one from Marissa Barton who said fuck, what happened to a risk-free investment? Isn't the whole point of investing in property so that I don't have to actually do anything but still earn money? I worked so hard my whole life. What do you make of that Clancy? Yeah, it's an interesting point, but you know, there's a generation of Australians that are used to risk-free investments, so it's going to be hard to recondition them.
And in some anthropological news this week, local South African can't handle the banter. They aren't known for their sense of humour, are they, the South Africans, Clancy? Not really, not really, mate. They are rather serious people, rather earnest people, and rather large egos from experience, so this is one particular example, but there's plenty more around the country, I'm sure. A very South African trait there, and elsewhere around town now, the children of some pokey addicts have revealed they were starting to get a bit sick of all the fresh groceries anyway. Well, even as a grown man, I do find things like Brussels sprouts and broccoli disgusting, so I don't really think you can blame them for wanting to go back to the two-minute noodles and party pies.
And that'll likely be happening, of course, when the pokies open back up, in line with loosened regulations. Money for things like fresh food, bills and so forth are going to be put back into the machines. And the kids did tell us, with the pokies opening back up, they're keen to have as much time as they want on the iPad, even if it is in the backseat of the car parked out the front of the pub. Sometimes you do wonder if the pokies aren't really worth a few dollars they're supposedly putting back into the community and into the pockets of underpaid hospitality staff.
Finishing up with some sports news today, and it's a bit of a follow-up from last week. It's been confirmed that an NRL star has in fact learnt to read after developing autism from his flu vaccination. Yes, last week we left you with rumours that an NRL player had learnt to read. Titans player Wade Slade has been able to learn how to read after having his flu shot, which is a pretty incredible story, and one you would hope stops the uneducated Botox and lip-filled wags of the NRL demonising and demeaning people with autism, just for some cheap likes on their struggling influencer accounts. Yeah, and Michael Fuzz dropped a comment on that one saying, this player's not getting ahead of himself, the next few chapters will be a big test for him, so he's making sure to take it one page at a time.
Wise words, and I will just say how good it is to have the rugby league back at this time. Full credit goes to St Peter Volandes and the NRL for taking us up on a Neil Armstrong-esque journey. Not Mars, but that is all for us this week, thanks for tuning in wherever it is you are in the world. We'll be back again next week with all of the biggest stories from our humble regional newspaper. But until then, my name's Wennell Hussey, my name's Clancy Overall, you be kind to each other, look after each other.
South African can't handle the banter. They aren't known for their sense of humour, are they the South Africans, Clancy? Not really, not really mate, they are rather serious people, rather earnest people, and rather large egos from experience, so this is one particular example.
But there's plenty more around the country, I'm sure. A very South African trait there, and elsewhere around town now, the children of some pokey addicts have revealed they were starting to get a bit sick of all the fresh groceries anyway. Well, even as a grown man, I do find things like Brussels sprouts and broccoli disgusting, so I don't really think you can blame them for wanting to go back to the two minute noodles and party pies. And that'll likely be happening, of course, when the pokey's opened back up, in line with loosened regulations. Money for things like fresh food, bills and so forth are going to be put back into the machines. And the kids did tell us, with the pokey's opening back up, they're keen to have as much time as they want on the iPad, even if it is in the back seat of the car parked out the front of the pub. Sometimes you do wonder if the pokey's aren't really worth a few dollars they're supposedly putting back into the community, and into the pockets of underpaid hospitality staff.
Finishing up with some sports news today, and it's a bit of a follow up from last week, it's been confirmed that an NRL star has in fact learnt to read after developing autism from his flu vaccination. Yes, last week we left you with rumours that an NRL player had learnt to read. Titans player Wade Slade has been able to learn how to read after having his flu shot, which is a pretty incredible story, and one you would hope stops the uneducated Botox and lip filled wags of the NRL demonising and demeaning people with autism, just for some cheap likes on their struggling influencer accounts. Yeah, and Michael Fuzz dropped a comment on that one saying, this player's not getting ahead of himself, the next few chapters will be a big test for him, so he's making sure to take it one page at a time.
Wise words, and I will just say how good it is to have the Rugby League back at this time. Full credit goes to St Peter Vlandys and the NRL for taking us up on a Neil Armstrong-esque journey. Next stop, Mars. But that is all for us this week, thanks for tuning in wherever it is you are in the world. We'll be back again next week with all of the biggest stories from our humble regional newspaper. But until then, my name's Vennel Hussey, my name's Clancy Overell, you be kind to each other, look after each other. |
cracked | old_timey_movies_scarier_than_anything_made_today | If you're anything like us, you don't find yourself getting particularly frightened by old horror movies. Look at these a**holes. A movie about walking to 7-Eleven by yourself would be more terrifying. Okay, he looks pretty suspicious. Hollywood isn't exactly telling the most bone-chilling tales these days, either.
Ten hours of footage of a producer's empty mansion, ghosts you can literally throw in the trash, and this whore's s**t. Bye bye, man.
You might be asking yourself, man, did we ever know how to make a scary movie? Well, the answer to that question is a loud, richly baritone yes, because if you go back to the early days of cinema, you'll find some truly horrifying works of film, many of which, it is important to note, were scary by accident.
Here's the execution of Mary Stewart, released in 1895. That was a year in which film was so new that most people were sufficiently entertained by watching soundless footage of trains and people riding gigantic bicycles. But Thomas Edison decided to go straight for the torture porn, because he, among many other things, was a big whistling a**hole. Edison hired a director, gathered a bunch of actors, and recreated the 1587 beheading of Mary Stewart from start to uncensored head-rolling finish. The 18-second film actually features the first trick edit at the moment when the actress playing Mary is replaced with a mannequin. Normally, we wouldn't bother pointing out that a movie didn't actually kill one of its actors, but when you're talking about a movie produced by a guy who was absolutely willing to publicly execute animals in order to sell his inventions, that's a welcome asterisk. Lanferno was Italy's earliest feature-length movie, and it mostly takes place in hell, because they didn't want anyone to actually enjoy it. This movie came out before World War I, and it's full of some truly wild s**t, including a naked man carrying his own head like a bag full of poop, people buried up to their necks in the ground, and this a**hole just ripping their hair out, and demons just wailing on a bunch of horrified, naked people.
They didn't ask to be here, guys. You act like they stole from you.
The final image of this movie is a huge three-mouthed Satan sitting on the horizon, presumably overseeing the events of the film, while chewing on the bodies of two hapless bastards. Look at him go. Weird they couldn't find people for his other mouths. Some movies like to save their most-chocking scenes for the end, but those movies are not The Man Who Laughs, which opens with a nobleman being sentenced to death in an iron maiden, while his son Gwenplane is given surgery to force his face into a grotesque, permanent smile. That's some weirdly specific justice being dispensed there. While we are clearly meant to sympathize with him, it doesn't help that he is smiling like an undead maniac for the entire movie. Just look at this goddamn ghoul. I can't have tears for you, man.
As you may have guessed, Batman's arch-nemesis The Joker was actually based on Gwenplane. Who, in turn, was based on the director's hatred of peaceful, dreamless sleep. 1933's The Peanut Vendor is a stark reminder of a bygone era in which child abuse was an acceptable form of children's entertainment.
The star of this experimental short is a pipe cleaner monkey puppet singing along to an uptempo jazz number, while simultaneously daring anyone who looks at him to continue believing in God. The director is said to have based the puppet's movements on his wife's dancing, making this one of the most circuitous cries for help in recorded history. He was either married to a reanimated skeleton, or psychological terror is a dance you can do, and we didn't know it existed.
Based on an Edgar Allan Poe story, the 1936 short Il Caso Valdemar deals with a man who wants to find out what happens if a dying person is put under hypnosis. He picks his good pal Valdemar, who is dying of tuberculosis, a disease you may recognize as being the closest thing to a retirement package that they offered in those days. Pretty low bar for hypnotism, too. The whole operation is suspect. Anyway, once the experiment is over, the hypnotist tries to bring his buddy back to life. Unfortunately, as soon as Valdemar comes out of his hypnotic state, his speed rots into a skeleton like he drank from the false grail.
He chose... one. It is unclear why this happens. It just does, because every reel of film from pre-war Europe is absolutely haunted. Hopefully he didn't mark this experiment down as a success, because buddy, you are inflating your numbers. That's all for today.
See you next time. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_11_10_18_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | Del, there's been a bit of commotion down there in Sydney this week. Hasn't there ever, Bruce? The gambling-sponsored state of New South Wales is currently the scene of a fierce debate over controversial plans to use Australia's most iconic piece of architecture, the Sydney Opera House, as a billboard. This comes after Alan Jones bullied the Opera House into promoting his mate's Gumtree ad for a 2008 Land Cruiser on the sales of the famous building. The Prime Minister has since weighed in saying that he thought projecting Al's mate Kerrid's 2008 Toyota Land Cruiser on the iconic building was a no-brainer. He said to us, I don't understand why we tie ourselves up in knots about these things. Alan has a mate trying to flog off a car, and his mate asked Alan to demand that the directors of Australia's most iconic landmark to do exactly what he wants. And Bruce, elsewhere in the country, the government has refuted renewed calls to act on climate change down in Canberra? They certainly have dealt.
Melissa Price, the Federal Environment Minister who used to work in the mining sector, has explained this week that she's pretty sceptical about the findings of 91 different scientists. She's called bullshit on the recent report released by the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which states that Price explained that those calling for countries to move away from coal were She finished by stating that she just doesn't understand why all these independent and impartial scientists are pursuing this relentless vendetta against coal. You do have to wonder why they're so obsessed with tarnishing the minerals brand. And Bruce, the fallout from the Royal Commission in the banking and financial sector continues this week.
The cult hero, financial guru and author Scott Pape has issued some interesting advice on how to keep your money safe. Pape, or the Barefoot Investor as he is more commonly known, told The Advocate this week in an exclusive interview that you just can't trust the banks. He said the best way to look after your money is to dig a little hole down the side of your house and bury your money in a bicky tin. Not even ING can save us now, he said. Sage advice there, Del.
And back home in town, a local Instagram influencer has posted an instructional video on how to cut fruit whilst wearing a sports bra. The aesthetically blessed influencer with very limited training in dietetics or maybe it's nutrition, I'm not sure, but she's posted a video online on how to prepare basic health foods, all whilst wearing very revealing activewear. The woman named Kelly told her 12,000 followers on Instagram, who are mainly tradies and teenage boys, that the sliced fruit was one of her favourite meals. After finishing the shoot, she told us that her transition from simply just a hot cheek on Instagram to an entrepreneur and wellness coach has been an incredible experience. Inspirational stuff really, Bruce.
And on the other end of the health spectrum this week, we covered a young woman's bold attempt to alleviate the effects of a hedonistic weekend. The woman named Brittany spoke to us about how she hoped to use a strategy known as intermittent fasting to negate the toll taken on her body which she treated like a garbage dump for the entirety of the weekend. Brittany explained that fasting just resets everything in your body and skipping a few meals early on in the week would balance out a couple of days of stuffing her face like they were her last days on Earth. The young solicitor said it had something to do with the body eating the fat reserves. Well I'm not too sure about the science behind that one, but I hope it works out for her.
And on the sporting front, a local MMA fan was thrown into a mad panic before the big fight last weekend. Nigh on wetting himself with excitement ahead of the fight between McGregor and Omega Madoff, the young man made a mad dash home after realising that he'd forgotten his Monster Energy flat brim hat. The local peptide user called Gareth said to us, Here did I fucking forget, it's Khabib McGregor and all of them fucking sitting here looking like an idiot without a flatty. Luckily for him, he did manage to make it back into the venue in time for the fight.
So all's well that ends well. Keys, wallet, phone, monster hat, that's what he'll be doing from now on I'd say. Well that's it for the News Wrap this week, thanks for listening. Don't forget, the story behind the Batooda Advocate, Australia's oldest and most respected newspaper will be coming to a town or city near you very soon, so make sure to grab tickets when we come to town. And please, subscribe to the podcast to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussey. |
Wizards_with_Guns | poor_people_in_every_teen_dystopian_movie | Whoa. There it is. President Senator's big tower. It's even thicker than it was in my dream.
Come on. If we leave now, we can make it by crust fall. Joffert? I'm not going, Payson.
What? Why? We've come so far, I don't- I don't understand.
I'm not a fancy top-towner like you. I grew up in the Underhole. I didn't have a pube to my name. Uh, I mean, that's fine. No one's gonna care where you're from. In the juice mines? I was a cum runner for the Collective.
What? What is that? When Skuzz Troopers raided our cramp camp, I had to suck my own dick. What? Why?
To survive. I had to suck my own dick to survive. We came all this way.
I was addicted to rust. Sold my sister for rust- for a rust.
Jesus. We didn't have education cubes like you surface dwellers did. What, like a desk?
Everything's powered by juice in the Undercity. Juice and rust.
You know you didn't have to live down there, right? Like, there's plenty of space and resources up on the surface. Like, you could've come up any time. No one was keeping you down there. I got my district assignment when I was 18.
Barber. Barber's not that bad. Pube. Barber. Oh, a barber of pubes.
Okay. Didn't even have scissors, had to use my teeth. Stop. It's nothing compared to what I had to do just to survive. I don't want to know what's worse than eating pubes. I had to gladiator a baby.
Holy shit. I don't believe you. I didn't do that one. I made that one up. Wow. The dick thing was real, though. I did that. I figured, yeah.
To survive. You know, honestly, we didn't even know you guys were down there. I think, like, a big rock must've rolled over the entry hole or something. I'll never forget rock day. We lost quite a few baby gladiators.
Wait. Did you hear that? Ghost troopers, get back. Over here. Rust. They can't be far. This is team 12 to command.
Suck your dick. What? Suck your own dick, dude. No. What? I'm not sucking your own dick.
Well, well, well. Now what do we have here? Oh, God. Please.
Don't send me to reconditioning. I'll go back to the juice mines.
I'll eat your pubes. What? No. I just found your ID. They wanted to return it. Uh. Oh. Yeah. Thanks. Did you say you'll eat my pubes? Yes.
I was a pube barber. A barber of pubes.
Didn't even have scissors. |
dropout | the_adventures_of_kim_jong_un_part_4_kim_jong_un_vs_psy | The Adventures of Kim Jong Un No theme song is ever good enough for Kim Jong Un Many singers have died at the hands of Kim Jong Un Oh god he's coming please come help me they're holding me Kim Jong Un Kim Jong Un Today's episode, take great deceit review and many wrongs righted or Sayonara, singers I love Gangnam Style Size moves are so freshy swag and certainly not stolen from any world leader slash noted gentleman adventurer That is an incredible one It's Kim Jong Un's handsome copter, the number one ace gift for all of true Korea's children Kim Jong Un, this ends now Now is the time for explaining the origin of Kim Jong Un's righteous fury Many years ago, Sai was a student of Kim Jong Un, learning the ways of dance and appealing pudginess Sai could not stand that Un would always be the better dancer and go-kart driver So one night he snuck into his master's quarters, stole the sacred funk dragon and used its power for personal gain and glory You can beat me in combat Un, but can you beat me in dance?
Such beauties Now once they're dancing any longer, might as well surely melt out their sockets I don't care Me neither Brush your power, pop dance dance, this character is never apart I'll destroy all of existence before I bow to you Kim Jong Un The five member explosive pulse sensation technique, I thought it was just a myth Not only did you defeat Sai, you saved the community center and brought these orphan's parents back to life |
dropout | the_secret_of_hbo_go | I'm really into Game of Thrones, and I have an episode DVR'd at home, so winter is coming. So long. Wait, wait, wait, actually, you don't need to leave because I have HBO Go, which is like HBO, except it's on your laptop, although you still need a password to use it. That sounds illogical. It is.
Don't move.
I'll grab that. Yello. Hey, Dad. Hi. How's it going?
Can I get the HBO Go password again? You know I shouldn't keep giving you the password like this. It's basically stealing, right? Come on, Dad. Let me put you on hold, and I'll look it up. Hank, I need your HBO Go password again. Oh, Jiminy Christmas again? Me and Margie are going to get our own subscription tomorrow, I promise, but I just got my son on the horn right now, and he'll be doing me a favor. All right, I'll pull your buns out of the fire, and then get you on the freezer. Fill it. Professor Deroski? Fill it. I need the HBO Go password to keep me again. You need it, like, right now? Yeah, now! Can I get that password for HBO Go? I gave you that password in good faith. And how do you return my generosity by handing it out to some punk with no cable? That password was a symbol of trust. I only gave it to you, my sister-in-law. Gotta get you to my gas meter.
And as family, I met at TGI Freitas. The 1986 New York Mets. And everyone watching this broadcast.
Dad, do you have the password? The password, Hank. If I could just get the password. Where are we at with the password? Who has the password? Who owns this password? Has someone paid for an account? I really need that password.
I'd like to watch TV on the internet. Everybody wants it. And it turns out, you're the original owner. So, can I have it?
Fuck you, negative. No. Nope, no. Sorry. It's not happening. No. Sorry, kid.
I still have Hulu Plus! |
cracked | we_ruined_john_wick_with_math | In just three movies, John Wick kills some 299 goons, 77 in the first one, 128 in the second one, and 94 in chapter three. If you stumbled across that many bodies in an open field, you'd be horrified, but the magic of action movies is you forget about all those nameless dead people the moment they vanish from the screen. But I didn't forget, and their loved ones definitely didn't forget, so let's use math to shatter your convenient amnesia and explore the horror experienced by the victim's families.
Hooray!
For starters, the John Wick universe may be full of shadowy cabals of elite assassins, but the real power's consolidated in the funeral industry. After all, the majority of John's slaughter takes place in New York City, where the good people at Choice Mutual say the average funeral costs $6,841. And that's just the service. There's also the plot and the headstone to consider. I mean, dying is expensive, which is why I recommend never dying. But if you get in John Wick's way, even a bumpy piece of land near the budget cemetery's ugly maintenance shed will probably cost your bereaved love on at least $700, and a basic headstone that only has room for beloved father and sick headshot victim will be another $300. Multiply $7,841 by 299 victims, and suddenly John has generated $2,344,459 in funeral costs. And yeah, maybe some of the less popular goons could just be rolled into a ditch, but it all averages out once the wife of henchman number 117 decides that her special husband needs a hilltop view guarded by a stone angel for all eternity.
Speaking of mourning loved ones, in 2019 Pew Research found that half of Americans over 18 are married, and another 7% are cohabitating long-term. 57% of 299 gives us about 170 grieving partners to say nothing of nascent relationships and casual flings left wondering why they're suddenly being ghosted. Possibly, literally. Whoo-hoo! And of course, we have to think of the children. The 2019 census determined that 61.6% of American men over 15 are fathers, not counting the results of the drunken one-night stands you would absolutely indulge in if you were a gunman in a world where John Wick tears through your profession like a hot knife through butter that's too dumb to learn from all the other sticks of butter that came before it. Ah! Furthermore, the average family with children has 1.93 of them, leading to a staggering 355 kids who will grow up without a father thanks to Wick's scorched earth policy. Oh! And while single parenthood is still largely the domain of women, 8% of households with minors are headed by single men, and 8% of 355 gives us about 28 orphans, which is depressing, but does make me wish for a movie where they team up to get revenge on John.
Now, it's a little tough to determine the average age of John Wick's victims because we see most of them for about half a second before their heads explode, but they typically look older and somewhat experienced, more like security guards or private military contractors than fresh-faced army recruits. And so, you know, if the average security guard is 41.9 years old and PMCs tend to be in their mid-30s to early 40s, let's go ahead and say that Wick's victims average out to about an even 40. The average American male's life expectancy is 78.54 years, unless they encounter John Wick at which point 38.54 years are abruptly cut from their lives. That means that Wick has exterminated a collective 11,523.46 years of potential human life that could have been spent with loving families if only Alfie Allen hadn't killed that damn dog.
Even worse, if we assume they were hoping to retire from this business of misery at the average retirement age of 65, then that's 25 years of prime money-making potential gone per victim. And if we combine the average $27,280 annual salary of a security guard with military contractors $61,955 annual salary and multiply that average by 25 lost years, and again by 299 people who can't work anymore, you know, because of their deadness, we get a freaking staggering $333,515,812.50 in lost earnings their families will never see. And even that feels a little low because these guys are all tied to organized crime and they're all wearing these really nice suits that are just, you know, perfect for blood spatter. But it's not all doom and gloom because at least half the victim's orphans and the other loved ones will be reasonably compensated because 54% of Americans have life insurance. And I know, I know, does your profession run the risk of encountering John Wick is probably a standard question in this universe that spikes premiums into the stratosphere, but this is also a universe where a secret underground bureaucracy oversees the hit man economy. So let's assume that they have a few agents planted in the highest offices of GEICO to keep rates stabilized. Anyway, as of 2018, the average American life insurance policy had a value of $168,000. Well, 54% of 299 goons rounds down to 161 responsible goons, thinking of their children's future, which means their deaths are paying out a collective $27,048,000 to their surviving relatives. It's not exactly enough to cover the cost of their loss, but if the families pooled their resources, that's more than enough money to buy a gently used 190 foot super yacht for the vengeful orphans to train on.
That felt good, right? Yeah. Great. |
dropout | clock_suckers_the_cold_shoulder | I had a little situation of my own I had to take care of. What?
Ugh. God dammit, Kate. I better not catch a cold from this asshole.
Well it's over. She has moved on. I guess it's time for the old murder-suicide. Hey, that's the spirit! Alright, we're gonna go talk to Mrs. Claus and see what we can do. Ah.
Pete. Pete, wake up. Pete-y. Pete-y?
Oh shit. Siena, watch your back. He's miserable without you. Plus his beard has eggnog in it and it smells horrible. He had his chance. I'm with Grinchy now. I don't think that Grinch is good for you.
On the contrary, Mommy. I'm good for everybody. Hello. Open robe. Ugh. Hey, baby. Give me some cash. I gotta take care of a couple things today.
Oh, okay. What kind of things? I don't see how that's any of your fucking business, do you? No, no, you're right. I'm sorry, Grinchy. Yeah, that's what I thought. The fuck is that? Oh, that does it.
I'm gonna shut this fat prick up right now. Fight! Hey, fuck off. Get the hell off this lawn, but fuck off!
You do still care. I love you. I like you too, Sharon.
Uh, does this mean I'm gonna get my wee now? Or, um... Should I just... Should I wait for it?
Is he gonna be at the house?
Okay, I'm sorry. I'll just wait, wait. You know what? Just send it to Ben's apartment. I'm there most of the time. I'll probably... Okay, okay.
As for the Grinch and that beating, they say... That his tiny brain swelled up three sizes that day. And they took him to the hospital where he later died on the operating table. The end.
They will use that chase in me! Perksaku! With your pitchforked in your new seat! Perksaku! Aw, so accomplished! I'm sweating way too much for playing a video game. I got next!
What the hell is he still doing here? He's got some uses. Who wants some more frozen margaritas?
Oh, I do! Wait, wait, wait! Oh! Oh God, that hurts! Oh, I feel it! I'm still alive! |
dropout | just_admit_i_look_bad | Take a pic, I want my ex to see I have a job. A job!
Corner! Over here! Come on! Ready?
Land!
Ooh, this is a nice one of you, Janey. Why is it Janey?
You are hot! Oh my god, I look terrible! Can we take another? Oh, stop being self-conscious, you look hot. I'm gonna post it. No, you're just saying that because you both look hot. Let's take another one. This is you at your best. You're saying this is my best. You think I'm ugly. No! I don't have to protect my feelings, I just want another picture. You are my friend, okay? You are not ugly.
And all our friends are hot. All good people are hot. Yes, inside and outside.
That's not true and the more you try to protect my feelings, the worse I feel. Do you think I'm ugly? No! You know what is ugly? Meanness.
That's the only thing and everything else is beautiful. You are a unique beauty. Very unique. Distinct.
Brave even. How am I brave?
Please just don't post this picture. Okay, but then how are you gonna get all the comments and likes proving to you that you are a gorgeous queen born to slay? Yes! Oh, give me this. The most beautiful people in life are those who know defeat. Can we at least filter it? Okay, that's what your warped brain needs, stunner. Jesus, there must be something wrong with the lighting in this photo. We're taking another one. Okay, fine. We'll take a silly one, that way we all look bad. I thought you said I didn't look bad.
Okay. You know what, if we could do the chin down. Okay. Tilt your head this way. And now this chin down. Thank you. Okay, and then this head this way. Okay. That's not right.
Just take it. Okay, ready? Let us! Okay, you know what, I don't care. Just post it.
I'm ugly. Let's lean in, you guys. I just, I want people to like me for my personality anyway.
No, I don't think that you want that. You have a bad personality. You don't know because you don't talk to you.
Yeah, but we do. Yeah. All right. Well, I kind of had a feeling. Hey, it's Lily.
Did you do the math from earlier? And if you did, can you tell me how much it was? Because I'm bad with numbers. Five, five times one. |
cracked | why_disney_marriages_never_work_beauty_and_the_beast_parody | Hello, my sexy beast. Guess where I was?
The West Wing. The forbidden West Wing.
Don't you want to punish me? Tomorrow. I promise. I just need to get this done tonight. The staff are breathing down my throats about payment.
Okay. It's fine. Totally fine. Don't be like that. Must be more to this provincial life. Alright, yes.
I'm so sorry that I forced you to live in this enchanted castle and that it's so boring for you. I'm just trying to keep some of the magic in our relationship. Noose flash, it ain't enchanted anymore.
Yes, because you kissed a dead bear monster. You weirdo. Everyone in town was right about you. I saved your life. You didn't know that was going to happen. You might as well be kissing roadkill. I did it because I was in love with you.
And I still am. Me too. It's just, you know, it's hard. I know. I came here looking for an adventure. Well, I certainly had one, but I fell in love with a beast, you know?
Surrounded by magical enchanted singing furniture. And once all of that was gone, well, I don't know. I guess it's just hard to keep up that same level of excitement. I mean, we hardly ever sing anymore. Belle, this castle used to be full of people with no hands and we weren't allowed to leave. We had to do something to pass the time, dear. Now I'm a human again. I can't have my staff singing and dancing all the time.
I've got a township to run now. A township that I will say is very hesitant to pay taxes to a lord who abandoned them for so many years.
I am this close to a grain shortage. Oh, God. This is what I'm talking about. A grain shortage?
That is so boring. Why don't we go on a trip? Huh? Are you fucking kidding me? I just told you that we are almost broke. Why don't you...
You love reading. We have a whole goddamn library where you can go on an adventure in a book.
Okay. I need to know that we want the same things out of life. When was the last time that you saved me from a pack of wolves with your bear claws? I don't have claws now. No. You certainly don't. What is that supposed to mean? You prefer me better as a beast?
That was an evil enchantment. I was an orphan and I was tricked by a witch as part of some morality lesson. Does that tail ring a bell to you? Does that ring a U? Your name is stupid. Well, at least I wasn't the one stupid enough to be rude to an enchantress. I was 11 years old! I was alone at home and a rando hag came to the front door and tried to give me a flower and wanted it inside. I think I handled that perfectly responsibly.
Enchantress.
Are you taking her side now? Okay. Answer me this.
What if that enchantress form was actually her mystical disguise? You ever think of that? It's just as likely that she was some centuries old perverted lady. You don't know. Let me tell you, do you know how many women would kill to be married to a handsome no-name prince like me?
Lots. Lots, I bet. My father said the maid's been stealing his things again. Yes.
Well, your father is a loon. I never should have invited him to stay in our house. And I never should have kissed you.
AHHHHHH! Eh. I'm trying to meet you halfway here. I don't know what to say to you. That's not quite right. Brrrrr! That wasn't even kind of like a roar sound at all. No. Excuse me. You know what?
No one's keeping you here. You can go whenever you like. The thousand-acre expanse of wolf-infested dead fall forest is that way. Be my guest. I think about Gaston, we fuck. So do I. Hi, everyone. Thanks for watching. Of course, that was a very tense scene, but we're actually just fine here. We wanted to let you all know that you can go down to the comments and you can tell us what your favorite type of porridge is, or the terrible things that have happened in your relationship. Absolutely, absolutely. We'd love to hear about your tales of domestic strife. No servants, please. |
dropout | road_trip_3_the_live_show_presented_by_fiat | deafening applause, deafening applause, and I come down from the the wire like with the wings Do you want to get started? Let's do this ready Thank you guys, thanks so much. Thanks for coming our first ever live show in Boston For those of you don't know Jake and I are I Don't want to say best friends cuz we're not cuz we're more than like God what's above so we're like inside each other What a poor choice of words, right? I Have a friend. She's an anti smoking activist and she's a she's very passionate about she's always like how do people still smoke? Don't they know that it's bad for them and she's always going up to kids being like smoking won't make you cool And I agree with you know, you shouldn't smoke it is bad for you But I do have to admit that smoking does look cool Like in high school when I saw a guy smoking I wasn't like oh he's gonna die someone should save him I was like, oh, he's going all of the girls Someone has to stop him being black Severely limits your costume options Like just for once. I want to be able to go to a costume party dressed as Wolverine and not black Wolverine Smith I've learned one thing on a dating website I've learned that like what you don't put on your profile is just as important as what you do Like there's this category on OkCupid called body type and a lot of the times girls just don't even answer it It's multiple choice. You can put like athletic slim curvy and they just don't answer it, which is the worst thing you can do It's like a horror movie. Like the thing you leave up to my imagination That's what's gonna scare me the most Like the second I see body type blank I just immediately my brain imagines a mutant tentacle creature in a top hat be like there's an area choice for me I feel that sex with a condiment Is like eating a hot fudge sundae with chopsticks I'm going to enjoy it.
I really am It's just gonna take a really really long time and There's a very good chance. I'm gonna get frustrated and give up before I finish so we brought nuggets, right? Do you throw them into Amir's mouth just like straight 19 more. Sorry. We're almost done. Oh So close you know it is I'm a vegetarian so I missed them on purpose |
ClickHole | behind_the_scenes_at_clickhole_our_daily_routine | Hello, I'm Samuel Rage, and I'm Chief Digital Officer of ClickHole.com. Here at ClickHole, we often get letters from people asking us, what is it like to work at a website? What is your daily routine? Well, I'll tell you. Here's what a typical day looks like at ClickHole.com. ClickHole's offices are located in the heart of internet and tech, Silicon Valley, USA. Our day starts every morning at 1 p.m. when Jeremy Granday lets the ClickHole staff into the office.
Once we're all settled in, we gather around our computer, and that's where the magic happens. We make the viral content that is our website's bread and butter. This is looking good, Ramona. Let's increase the font. Maybe a little smaller. Looks like we have some viral content.
After the content is made, it's time for us to go to the bathroom. ClickHole has a very exciting method of going to the bathroom. When one of our employees needs to use the toilet, they stand in front of the bathroom door and ring a bell until our Senior Secretary of Junior Bathroom Solutions, Jeremy Granday, opens the door for them. And in order to make sure that the horrible bathroom sounds cannot be heard by your coworkers, we provide complimentary air horns for you to blow while you make your mess. Hey Ramona, did you hear the sound of someone making a big mess in the toilet?
No, I didn't. And of course, at the end of a long day making the website, it's time for us to cut loose. We have a beer to celebrate a job well done.
And we even play a little drinking game called River Trivia. Hey Ramona, what's the longest river in Asia? Is it the Narmada River in India?
No, that's wrong. Looks like you'll have to take a drink of beer. It's empty.
And then to reward the staff for all their hard work, I let Jeremy Granday knock off my toupee with a broom so everyone can see my true form. And after that, it's time for us to go home and Jeremy Granday goes to sleep in the office. And that's what a typical day is like at ClickHole.com. Hope you learned a lot about what goes on behind the scenes at a website.
Thank you all for everything you've done for me. Thank you for helping me live forever. Goodbye. |
Wizards_with_Guns | grandpa_s_last_words | What's wrong with his mouth? That's involuntary. It's the medicine doing its thing. And his hands? Is that normal? I mean, he's dying. It's all part of the process.
I'd say your goodbyes sooner than later. I think he's trying to say something. Go on, Thomas. Go say hi to grandpa. Hm. Hey. Hey, grandpa. I'm... Sorry, I... wasn't...
AHHH! My bean bowl! It's on fire! Feels like someone shoved a railroad spike up my ranch rod! Mom? Feels like someone's using my dipstick as a ripstick! Mom! Normal? My lemon is deep fried! Uh, yes.
It's very common. I see this all the time. This one's like dry ice! This one's like a hot iron!
It feels like Edward Scissorhands is headbutting my ass!
Oh, crap! Oh, crud! Fuck!
I'll never forget you, grandpa. Should we take a picture? No, I feel ugly. Help me!
Grandpa? Is... Is he dead? I'm... I'm so sorry. But... He's gone. Are we gonna go to lunch after this?
Yes, it's very common. I see this all the time. It's actually very common. I see this all the time.
Oh, I think he's trying to say something. I think we can do your normal. I know! I want us to let him find it! Let him find it. I'm coming fresh into this. |
SaturdayNightLive | immigrant_dad_talk_show_snl | Welcome, welcome to the Immigrant Dad Talk show. This is the show where we're talking about our children, the good ones, and the sons as well. I am Joaquin Antonio, and with me as always is Hamid Ahmed, Mahmud. Hamdulillah, I am grateful for everything Allah has given me, except my son. Amen, Amen. You know what my son do? he treats his dog like a wife. he sleeps with the dog. he buys the dog gifts. the other day I come home, he's brushing the dog's teeth. Oh, no. be careful. he's going to marry the dog. Oh, hold. before we forget, time to introduce our sidekick on the grill, Ife. Hey, Ife, how's your son? Oh, man, my son is very bad, man. no job, no wife, no kids, no house. Ife, how old is your son? he's five.
I'm grateful, little guy.
Hey, but my daughter, oh, my daughter, she's a perfect angel, my friend, And she's funny, too. she's funny. the other day, she take my credit card. she spent $12,000 in Sephora. I'm laughing and laughing because I don't even know what Sephora is. I don't even have the money to pay for this. she's funny, man, funny.
Oh, brother, the other day, my daughter, she brings home five cats. I'm allergic, but she says, baba, these are our cats now. I say I love it. I used to have a house. now I have a zoo and rashes all over my body.
Hey, Ife, you have a daughter. how is your daughter? Oh, yeah, man, my daughter's so adorable. she takes naps, she asks me, daddy, cook me dinner, drive me around, give me allowance. Oh, and how old is your daughter? she's 51. Wow, your kid's so far apart.
Okay, well, now it's time for one of my favorite same old jokes. we're going to do it. things our sons like that they shouldn't like. I'm going to start. computer. why you liking the computer? He say to me, I'm working on my thesis. I say, this is, this is a waste of time. get a job, ungrateful. ungrateful.
Habibi, I go next. my son, you know what he loves? he loves to pay for coffee. I say, Habibi, make coffee at home. he says, no, no, no, Baba, I want to go to Brooklyn and pay $2,000 for one cup of coffee. Oh, my God, yeah, yeah. My son, I love to go to Brooklyn to pay $2,000 for a cup of coffee. my son loves Brooklyn. he says, baba, I want to live in the worst place in the best place. Oh, my God. Oh, oh. it's time for our first guest. But before this, we want to thank today's sponsor.
Ah, yes. the Veld. Why have a conversation when you can just hear the Veld? The Veld, available everywhere you buy pants.
Okay, now, let's bring out our first guest. it's another dad who's just moving into the neighborhood. please welcome Kevin. hey, hey, hey. hey, gang, hi. thanks for having me. ola and your things. Sorry, Habibi, just tell us about your children. Well, I've got one daughter and one son. Oh, I'm so sorry about the boy. Well, actually, I love my son. he's my best friend. friend? How can a son be a friend? No, no, no, no. your son is a beast of property. are you friends with a mailbox? Hey, and what do your son do for a job?
Well, Little Flex, he just started doing a thing called parkour. oh, he parkar like a ballet. that's good. that's a good job. oh, no, no, it's parkour. he goes out in the street and like tumbles over stuff. and he gets bathed for this. well, in a way, no. but it's very impressive. you got to see it. Connor, come out. show him your parkour. uh-oh. uh-oh. there he goes. Wow! Great job, son. Thanks, Dad. Oh! oh! I'll give the name a second.
Oh, my God. wow. my friend having sex with his home. No. no, that's not sex. it's just how we show affection. we've done it since he was a baby. Yeah, although he has sex with him since he's a baby. it's not sex. Looky, looky, looky, looky, looky like a sex. it's not sex. he's looking like a sex. No, it's not. he's looking like a sex. You don't looky, looky like sex.
Connor, let's get out of here. these guys don't get it. come on, giddy up. Well, uh, that is all the times that we are having for immigrant dad talk. And until the next time, Always remember. here with a man! |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_laser_cats_4_ever_snl | Hey Lauren, you're busy. No, no, Come in. Oh great. You know I get a little tired of this amateur night stuff. So some film people and I went out and shot a short video that I'd like to air. Would that be okay? Oh Steve, whatever you want, Great Lauren.
I present to you Lizard cat laser cats in the future. There was a nuclear war and because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. Some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of laser cats? Behind these doors Gentlemen, I give you the future of laser combat. Half human, half laser cat, half robocop.
I give you cyber face. Be not alarmed. I have them under control. Best Vacation Ever. Yes, Mars Devs have its perks.
Say if you want Sabi, what's up with the necklace? This old thing My no-good-father gave it to me before he left me and my mom years ago.
Yeah, Work never rest. Yellow cyborg, gone haywire, Earth in trouble? Sounds like a catastrophe.
It's master lock out of the way partner switching to cold mode. That's one cool cat.
Cyberface should be just up ahead. Wait, this can't be right. What is it? Well, according to this cyber faces in this room, whoa, where do you come from?
Oh, looks like we're dead for chemo, Sabi son, Dad there is. Take them down. I'm sorry, I left you son. it's okay Dad. don't die nitro. take this.
Your brother has the other half. I don't have a brother.
Good night, Sweet princes, right? Pretty mind-blowing, huh? Do you get that? it's King Lear. Get out.
I thought you meant me too. I did. |
TheOnion | Facebook_Employees_Explain_Struggling_To_Care_About_Company_s_Unethical_Practices_When_Gig_So_Cushy | I've worked for Facebook for years, but lately things have been pretty rough. I struggle to understand a company's behavior every day. The scandals just keep coming. We're still learning about the impact Facebook had on the 2016 election. It doesn't look good. Are we continuing to cause irrevocable damage to civilized discourse? Is Facebook truly the downfall of society?
Sometimes my mind starts to spiral like, oh my God, what am I doing with my life? But then a catered lunch from a Michelin star restaurant shows up and frankly, I can't imagine working anywhere else. I'll never forget when the Cambridge analytical story broke. I was actually working remotely from Bali. Every data breach weighs on me. Sometimes I just have to walk away. I'll throw on the latest Oculus, float around in zero-gravity, and completely forget about the security of third-party apps for a couple hours. But as soon as I take that sick VR headset off, it's back to defending our opaque privacy policies. It's been forever since I was actually able to relax during my Friday afternoon detission massage.
Facebook actually covered the cost of freezing my eggs. How generous is that? And when or if I do eventually concede, I'll have 17 weeks of paid maternity leave. I'm not saying bringing new life into the world warrants giving a global platform to insane conspiracy theorists like Hillary Clinton running a child sex ring, which led a man to drive across the country and fire a semi-automatic rifle inside a pizzeria, but I probably really do want to be a mom one day.
We all know that Facebook played a key role in putting Donald Trump into office. And we allowed flagrant disinformation to spread quickly and unchecked. We let private data get into the wrong hands and be used against us.
Oh, I just bought a boat. We all feel terrible, but at this point, it would be stupid to walk away from a cushy gig without rageously good benefits. If the country is in shambles, what can we do besides enjoy the perks while they last? |
dropout | clock_suckers_game_over | 🎵Labsuckers!🎵 🎵Raising the time to save the day🎵 🎵Labsuckers!🎵 🎵YEAH!🎵 This week's episode, game over. You'll never guess what I've got in this box. Uh, you hooked up Atari, Nintendo, and Sega into one ultimate machine. How'd you know that? Dude, I helped you put it together all day yesterday. Then you drank four pints of tequila, cried, and went home. Meh, it sounds about right. So I take it you're going to waste the rest of the day with that thing? What's up your ass, Kate? You love video games. I do.
I'm just sick of beating you guys all the time. It's like I'm the Harlem Globetrotters and you guys are two retarded assholes.
Besides, I got a hot date tonight. Whatever, go on your stupid date. We don't need you anyways.
We'll be just fine with the Atari, Tendo, Sega, right Tanner? Uh, it ain't working. I'm missing about 40 parts and I haven't existed since 1985. So we either hit the old time machine or RadioShark. Yeah, let's do 85. I want to see if I can get in the Super Bowl shuffle video. On that note, I'm off. Good luck fixing that hunk of shit. You guys in the bubble bath, uh, doesn't get much givingness. We're just here to do the Super Bowl shuffle.
What the hell is this? Why is everything all blocky? You hear something? Yeah. Oh, hi, guys.
You seem lost. Follow me. I'll get you out of here in no time.
Hey, thanks, Dig Dug. Yeah, thanks, Dig Dug.
Hey, what the hell? Come on, get up. We got to get the fuck out of here. Oh, great. Now what? Oh, shit. Check it out. Come on, let's go.
Two guys on an exciting bike.
Doesn't get much gaveness. Overheat, goddamn it. Nice driving, Knievel. Oh, shit. They're still coming.
I can't believe I'm on a date with THE John Cryer. You were in so many huge 80s movies. Uh, you do know I'm on Two and a Half Men now. It's the number one comedy in America. Oh, I know. I just didn't mention it because it's a horrible show.
Now, where's the expensive section? Hey, thanks for helping us out back there. Hey, you don't look so good.
Shut your fucking mouth and pick up these rings. I got to sell them to the Jug Yard so I can score some more meth. So, how long have you been a meth head? About 16 years. Keeps me moving. Look, help me with these rings and I'll get you back to your world.
Hey, check this out. Hey, look at them picking them up.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone order seven lobsters before. Dinner for the week. So, uh, did you just want to go out with me for the free food? What?
John, I see a real future here. Building a family, sending the kids to college, and growing old together.
Wow, I don't know. It's great. I don't know.
Nah, I'm just fucking with you. I'm gonna need some steaks to match these lobsters. Chop, chop.
Okay, okay. Here's the deal. You guys, get out of here. You need to pass a series of challenges. Hey, is this what I think it is? We're in Tecmo Bowl! Alright, as long as the D doesn't pick the same play as us, we should be all set. Ready, go!
What happened? I wasn't watching. So, this is the house of Pretty and Pinkville. Well, it's mostly from Two and a Half Men. Hey, what did I tell you? Sorry, sorry. We won't speak at that show again. That's better. Ooh, what's all this?
Dude, how long is this fucking challenge? We've already made a free throw and double dribble. Slow down. Played Qbert for more than five consecutive seconds.
Gay. And trapped Echo in some tuna nets.
Yeah, seriously, how much more do we have to do? Ah, is he dead?
The crystal meth exploded his heart. It's the worst way anyone can die.
Okay, alright, alright, I'm moving, I'm moving. Great, so now what? Now we're going to kill you. Okay, time to go.
Join the Nintendo Fan Club! Shut your fucking mouth! Ah, sweet Concha. You're my only friend.
What the hell? That looks like Ben and Tanner. Kate? Holy shit, Kate, get us out of here! I think all that lobster's making me hallucinate. Either that or that pound of hash I smoked. You're not hallucinating, Kate. And I knew you were the one who took my hash. Son of a bitch!
Alright, alright, what do I do? Restart, do something, I don't know! Uh, okay, hold on. Okay, here's the outfit. Shut up, Ducky, not now! Oh, okay, up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B-A-B-A, select, start.
Hey, how come you always get the sprinkles? You don't know how to use it, right?
Okay, guys, I'm back. I think a whirlpool just popped up right behind you. Come on, let's go! That was interesting. Ducky? Oh my god, I am such a huge fan!
Flawless. Victory. Nice job.
They will use them chasing me! That's a girl! With your bitch working in your new seat! That's a girl!
Aw, so accomplished! We now return to two and a half men. I am, I'm going to get drunk in womanize. I have a learning disability. You guys! |
dropout | hello_my_name_is_hello_my_name_is_barq_dogg | Welcome to Hello My Name Is. I'm Pat and this is how the show works. We put Josh in ridiculous makeup. When we're done, Josh takes a look at himself in the mirror and spontaneously creates a character. Then that character and I sit down for a short interview. Today's makeup artist once again is Hannah.
Hannah are you ready? Yes. Josh, are you ready? Yes. Then let's get started.
Oh my god. I called the bird down. She kind of danced, laying it in my arm, beating my arm. I just got this tattoo.
Is it infected?
Seriously though, I'm going to light heaven. I'm drunk. I just seriously have an injury.
I actually have a program for kids. Good evening. This is current. Important world issues from a close-up point of view. Look, glance, eyeball. Tonight's guest is the founder of a revolutionary community outreach project.
You know, why don't you introduce yourself, sir? Hey guys, most of the community knows me as a bark dog.
How are you feeling this evening? I feel great, man.
I was actually worried I wasn't going to make it to the interview. I was afraid I wasn't going to make it to the interview.
It's a great opportunity for me to plug my community outreach program, Ride For Your Life, where I teach 14 to 17 year old girls how to ride motorcycles. Isn't it unsafe to teach 15 year old girls how to ride a motorcycle? Yeah, anyone can ride a motorcycle, but there are dangers really when you do anything. For example, I got into a motorcycle accident 10 minutes before I got here.
I couldn't pass on the opportunity to plug my community outreach program on your local access television channel, so I figured the show must go on. I mean, we could always reschedule. I feel like it's very necessary and important, as is my message. Crickets, applesauce, underwear, Empire State Building. It's all right to be friends with anyone. Nothing you said just made sense.
Perhaps you've suffered a concussion of sorts. There's some serious facial injuries. How serious? Well, you're bruising along the... Can you describe the accident?
I stayed up really late last night smoking weed and drinking champagne because we were celebrating the one-year anniversary of the community outreach program, Ride For Your Life, my program. Congratulations.
And I didn't quite have my eyes on the road. And then I crashed eye first into an oak tree. Pat, my life has been a series of misfortunate events. I didn't quite know where things were going. You know, it was going one way and my life is going another way. Life is like... I didn't know what I was doing. These days, I feel so much more free than I used to. I feel lightheaded.
I just want to see eye to eye with these girls. I want to make sure that they see eye to eye with me and that I don't eyeball a problem. I want to give these girls a sense that, like, we're all pupils in this, that, you know, their eyes are hanging by a thread. Their lives are hanging by a thread. My mouth is just a little dry. Where's my eyeball? |
dropout | sex_scandal_resignations_through_history | I'm here today to again apologize for the personal mistakes I have made and the embarrassment I have caused. I make a apology to my neighbors and constituents, but I make it particularly to my wife. My private conduct has been a disappointment to my family, my nation, and myself. So I am resigned in my position, effective immediately. Though my private behavior has never once distracted me from my duty to you as your representative, I am clearly not the right person to lead this nation. I want to stress again how deeply sorry I am that I was not able to better control my personal yearnings. It's clear to me now that my addiction to sex is my addiction to sex is the source of my personal and professional troubles. I hope that... I hope that whoever holds this office after me... Can realize that by benefit of their office, they owe the public fidelity in both their professional and private lives. And though you may no longer respect me as a man, I ask that you still respect the office I held. In closing, I am deeply sorry for my behavior and to those whom my behavior hurt.
I remind you that all political figures are simply human beings, subject to the same desires and weaknesses as everyone else. There will never be a perfect politician, because there are no perfect men.
So I thank you for giving me the honor of serving you and hope your next leader is able to control his sexual appetites with more discipline than I. Thank you. Thank you. |
dropout | the_ultimate_game_of_thrones_recap | Hey guys, Game of Thrones is almost back, but a lot has happened so far. Here's what you need to know to catch up. Game of Thrones is set on medieval earth, on the continent of West Eros, which lies across the narrow sea from East Eros. Our story begins when Ed Stirk kills Robert Baratheon, also known as the Mad King, and claims the Chair of Blades.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Lannister catches a devious spy, watching him make love to his beautiful girlfriend. Things don't end well for our spy. While across the narrow sea in East Eros, Danny Tanner, the Dragonborn, has to choose whether to marry the Brave Prince or Cal Dragon, the seductive dancer. This upsets her secret admirer, Sir Richard Carlisle, but the real action is in the frigid south, where Jon Snow, Lord of House Snow, leads the Night Watch over the wall to find wives. Danny Tanner saves three baby dragons from a mill fire, and in gratitude, they become her friends. Ed Stirk's not happy about that, because he wanted the dragons for himself.
He kneels down in sadness. Now, we haven't seen much of Ed since this episode, and I don't want to give anything away, but you can expect him to make a big comeback this season. This brings us to season two.
King Stanley's wife Melissa gives birth to a smoke baby, who becomes next in line to the throne. This anchors his son Renly, seen here kissing a beautiful woman.
So where has the roguish Jimmy Lannister been all this time? The show hasn't said for sure, but if you look at the clues, it's pretty clear he's dead. Rest in peace, Jimmy.
And that's great news for 10-year-old Tyrion Lannister, who is bestowed with the hand of the king, giving him the right to marry Jeffrey. Aerie Stirk, the youngest of the Stirk boys, meets a magician and considers a career in the circus. Meanwhile, in Mordor, Kathy Stirk discovers the mastermind behind it all, the devious Lord Arryn, seen here seducing a wench.
Back in Tatooine, Danny Tanner's dragon friends go missing. So who took them? Nobody knows, but we have our theories.
Down in the icy south, Jon Snow has put on a lot of weight. He's so hungry, he hallucinates and imagines ghosts.
That brings us to season five. Mayor Carquetti exiles Tyrion from King's Landing, and his only friend is the warrior, Mad Mardigan. Rob Stirk gets a traditional Westeros divorce so he can finally live the bachelor lifestyle. Back in Arrakis, Danny Tanner must stop a crime ring that's been cutting people's nipples off. And Jon Snow gets back in shape and has sex with a snowboarder in a hot tub.
And in case you were wondering... Nothing you did with your mouth. Yup, he teaches her how to whistle.
Now even if you don't watch Game of Thrones, you've probably already heard of the Red Wedding. That refers to this scene, where Tyrion and Sansa get married. Notice those red candles in the background? That's why it's called the Red Wedding.
Well, that's everything you need to know to be ready for season six. A lot of questions still need to be answered though. Will Aerys succeed in his dream of joining the circus? Is Lord Arryn really the last dragon? And can Richard Carlisle and Mad Mardigan defeat the witch?
Whatever happens, we'll be watching. Nice. Well, what's in it for them? Forget it. |
cracked | 3_movie_and_tv_show_relationships_that_make_no_sense_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, my name is Daniel Joseph Nicholas O'Brien, which, yes, means you can call me DJ Knobbed if you want, and welcome to a brand new episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show that talks about pop culture so much that it practically screams this host doesn't have a girlfriend. Too real.
Today's episode explores... Really? I just referenced being alone and lonely. We're going to do a whole episode about relationships.
Cool. Fun. Thanks.
Let's look at friends who are mean to each other. And no, I don't mean the friends from the show, the friends. I mean friends in a general sense from movies and TV, although also, yes, the friends from the show, the friends is actually, though, a good jumping off point now that I think about it. Here are some friends from a show called Friends, which we have to assume is about friends.
Give me your money, punk. I've watched home movies of you eating ding-dongs without taking the tinfoil off. Get out, you doofus! Hit me, hit me, hit me!
Danger!
There, so mean. The mean friends from Friends aren't the only mean friends.
Let's look at the cool group of buddies from American Pie. I got an idea about something new. How about you guys actually locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and f***ing use them? Or these cool buddies from Seinfeld.
You're bald! You look like you're five years old!
Oh, hey, punk guys. Growing stuff. Whatever I gotta do. You're just out for sex! You're just out for money!
I thought we were friends. Or these admitted friends from critically acclaimed Westworld.
What the f*** ding-dong? You dressin' her up now? She coming like a f***ing hentai thing with you now? No, I just... You f***ing obsessed! You don't even turn you in for your f*** up before, because we're friends, but that was obviously a bad call. I didn't report you before, because we were friends, but in the meantime, f*** you. Are you gonna wear a dress later? Is this a fetish?
Or something that's probably vaguely racist? Anyway, I don't know. I don't care.
I'm gonna get you fired now, good buddy. Remember when I said from before how we were friends? F*** you.
I'll admit that there's some degree of chop-busting that goes hand in hand with every relationship I've ever had. I give my closest friends shit, and they give me shit. It's true. But what Hollywood ignores is that, A, this shit-giving is occasional and not the totality of close friendships, and B, it's mostly born out of understanding each other. When I give my friends a hard time, I'm not saying, you're a bad person and I hate you for your flaws. I'm generally calling out some innocuous flaw or quirk they have in a way that says, we're having fun here, but I only get to make this joke because I'm close to you and I know you so well. The jokes I make with my closest friends are celebrations of how well we know each other and confirmations that we are right for getting along. And also, again, importantly, hear me. It's occasional. TV seems to think the totality of close friendships is roasting, which is insane. Most of my conversations with close friends aren't, like, attacking each other.
That would be insufferable. My friends and I talk about normal stuff. Stuff like... No! Normal stuff. Normal stuff is what I s...
God damn it. Okay, movies have for a long time perpetuated this idea that guys like to talk about specific sexual situations with other guys on a regular basis. I dated this girl for a while and she was really a nasty freak. She just loved to get down with sex all the time. She was like, any time of day, she was like, yeah, let's go. I'm so nasty that I'd be nailing her. Oh, shit. She'd be like, oh, you're nailing me. Cool.
Like, I sit around asking, well, what's the sex like? Which is to say, what happens when you and your girlfriend have sex?
Like, what is this? Is this all born from Greece? I mean, she puts out... Oh, come on, sonny. Is that all you ever think about? Freaking A!
I know it probably seems hard to believe based on my... this situation, but I have friends and they have sex. And harder still to believe, I do too, everybody. I do.
I have a healthy sex life and I rarely talk about it and never share those specific details. And when I meet with my friends, we never talk like this. There is a weird trope that assumes close male friends like to talk about the specifics of f***ing. The specificity is insane to me. Two guys talk about a troublesome relationship and one guy shimmies his shoulders and leans in like, good weird, special sex though, right? And the other guy's like, oh, yeah, let me tell you about it in detail. Here it comes. But the only time I have ever in my life considered asking, what is the sex like, was when I was a child before I'd had sex. I've had friends who've gotten engaged and I'm pretty sure it would destroy our relationship if I was like, oh, you're gonna marry her, huh?
You must be pretty good at f***ing your wife to be, you must be pretty good at f***ing else you wouldn't want to stick with it. She good at f***ing?
Describe it to me. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend gets it, right? It's unbelievable. Yeah. Like, what kind of stuff, like off the menu? You ever hear of a Mississippi love slide? No. What's that?
Okay, you're gross. You need to grow up. I'm, dear movies, I'm 31 years old, I'm a man and an uncle and a full participant in sex and I never ask about the sex that my friends have. So, stop including that idea in your, in your movies. The syntax got away from me. I started with dear movies and then ended with stop including that in your movies, which must be wrong, but the broader point is, shut up, movies, you're wrong, movies.
Most inexplicable. Can I say least explicable? Can things just ever, are things ever just explicable? Like a dog barks and you're just like, that's explicable.
Anyway, let's look at the cool buddies in the Hangover movies. I'm not talking about Zack Galifianax's character, he's along for the ride because he's related to someone relevant to the plot. He wasn't explicitly anyone's best friend, but cool, fun, rabble-rousing dude Phil is supposed to be best friends with uptight, fun-hating, wine machine Stu. Stu is Jog, Jog is soft white rice in lube warm water. They hang out all the time despite clearly having nothing in common. They're supposed to be such good friends that they worry that an outsider like Galifianax is going to ruin their fun. That's an actual plot point.
He drugged us! I lost a tooth! I buried a whore! How dare you?
She's a nice lady! In Ferris Bueller's Day Off, I get the relationship between Sloane and Ferris. That makes sense.
It's explicable. So explicable. He's magic and she's perfect.
Why is Ferris, chillest and most popular guy in school, best friends with a no-fun-having nervous wreck that is Cameron? I get that friends can have different tastes and interests, but Ferris has to spend literally hours convincing Cameron to have a fun day with him.
I feel like complete shit Ferris, I can't go anywhere. I'm sorry to hear that. Now come on over here and pick me up.
Is it always like that? How do they ever have fun together under normal circumstances? What do they talk about when there's not a scheme, ball game, or art museum to distract themselves? Life share is great, eh Cameron?
No, not for me Ferris, I hate my dad and I'm actually depressed. Life moves pretty fast, really because for me it feels unrelentingly slow and endless.
We see this trend a lot in cartoons too, Total Rebel Punk and Uber Nervous Nerd. Bart Simpson, Millhouse, Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, and I list more now, but in the researching of this episode I googled jock and nerd friendship cartoons and got a bunch of fan-drawn pictures of strong jock boys, fucking shy nerdy boys, and that's the sort of thing that stops research right in its tracks. The genre of imagined jocks being secretly romantically linked to imagined nerds seemed to be bringing joy to a very specific corner of the internet. I'm glad y'all found each other and found your happiness.
Anyway, my point is this thing exists, the thing I said about friendship. And I get that in real life friendships aren't exactly identical and we're not all going to agree on everything, but having a best friend who was your polar opposite seems like it would be difficult on a purely functional level. The Chuckies, Cameron's, and screeches of the world aren't interested in or as good at the things that the Tommies, Ferris's is, and Zach's of the world are. I know why Hollywood does this, by the way, it's more interesting to see a diverse group of people in a situation because they want to show a variety in the reactions that the characters have. If Phil's friends in the hangover were all carefree, bro-y, douchebags, we wouldn't get a spectrum of reactions, just a bunch of chill dudes with hangovers. And that's not interesting. My point is there's got to be a way to still have a variety of reactions and points of view without straining audience credulity by forcing an implausible friendship down our throats.
Man, I like that sentence. It felt good about that sentence. It felt good sliding out the mouth. I want to end on that sentence. I have decided that's it for this episode.
Join us next month when our topic will be, what if the cars from the movie Cars were actually planes? Wait, they already did that? Okay, what if the planes from Cars were toys? What? They did that? Okay, then what's a thing that's not alive in real life that hasn't been brought to life in an animated movie? That's what the episode's going to be about. What if the non-living thing was alive?
Wow. Now, see, that, that didn't feel good, trickling out the old hole. Credulity. It's the liquid U. Correct pluralization of points of view. That all felt nice. Smooth. Smooth D, they'll call me. Chill, chill, chill, chill. Bye. Hey, everyone. Thanks for watching.
Make sure you do all the YouTube things that you're accustomed to do. For anyone who is going to in the comments tell me that Ferris and Cameron are friends because of an earlier draft of the script, Ferris met a troubled guy and tried to help him, but didn't and that person committed suicide and Ferris felt responsible, so that's why he hangs out with this equally troubled guy as sort of a parent for that. I know it seems hard to believe, but I hope we never run into each other at a party. |
dropout | stage_names_2 | I'm thinking of changing my name. Didn't you already change your name to danger of sandwich and then kill yourself?
Celebrities do it all the time. Like who? Tony Danza, for instance. He was born Anthony LaDanza. What about Iggy Pop? Ignatius Pop Secret. Madonna. Michael Edward Donna.
Magic Johnson. Magic Jordan. Halle Berry.
Halliburton Burial.
Okay, what about Portia de Rossi? Portlandia de Rossi.
Mick Jagger? Tumick Jagger. What about Tupac Shakur? Pac Shakur.
Olivia Munn? Olivia Newton Munn. Sacha Baron Cohen.
Satchel Batchel Coconuts. That makes sense.
Teddy Roosevelt. Theodore Herzl. So Theodore Herzl.
Flavor Flav. Riboflavin's Flavor.
Stalker Channing. A stock photo of Channing Tatum. So Channing Tatum.
Cecil B. DeMille. Cruella B. DeVille. Marilyn Manson. A. Maryland Manchin.
Zero Mostel. Negative One Mostel. A small but significant improvement.
Ozzy Osborn. Oscar the Grosborn. Bella Lugosi. Bemoral Legosi. Ron Howard. Don Howard Gay. So his name was originally in Pig Latin? Nope. Owl City. Bruce Damian Cunt.
Jason Marantz. Jason M. Razmataz. Alicia Keys. Aloysius Trees.
Slash. Flush. Flea. Flush. Sting.
Robert Loja. Louis Sique. Louisiana. Cirque du Soleil.
Viggo Mortensen. Rabbi Vigorous Mordecai. Sid Vicious.
No! Carmen Electra. Carmine's Electric Bill.
Itzhak Perlman. It's Ben Perlman. Wow. Julia Louis Dreyfus.
Daughter Judy. Thomas Jane. His Wife. Itzhak Perlman. |
SaturdayNightLive | lauren_hutton_wants_eddie_murphy_snl | Yes. Lauren, it's me, Eddie Murphy. Oh, Eddie, good. come in. Hello, Lauren. Hi. Hi, Eddie. how you doing? what's up? nothing. how'd you start? you got some time?
Yeah, I got a couple minutes left. Well, I just wanted to tell you something. and that is that.
You're a star. you are a real star. Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. everybody out there is real glad to have you. thanks a lot. thank you. thank you. And, uh, I mean, you were so funny.
I don't mean to bug you, but. what? I'm a little scared. my heart's beating. Oh, this is going to be fine. don't worry about it. would you do your buckwheat for me? Do what?
Buckwheat, please. No, come on. I'm not doing the buckwheat for me. Eddie, Eddie, please. one little buckwheat. Hi, I'm buckwheat.
Okay. I mean, you are hilarious. you show a beautiful woman, Miss Hotter.
Okay. would you do Stevie Wonder for me? come on, Laura. I'm not doing Stevie Wonder. You inside here? you want me to grovel? I'll do it. No, don't grovel. Okay. okay. stop it. you want me to do Stevie Wonder?
Yeah. yeah. you look good. How about giving me some of that cup? Come on, Bella. five minutes, Miss Hotter. Oh, my God.
I got a change. Oh, you got a change.
I'll leave then, Okay? No, no. stay here, if you can, if you've got time. it relaxes me a lot. it relaxes you when I'm in here? Yeah. You relax? relaxes you, huh? yeah. I'm going to relax. You All right. forget it, Eddie.
Joe, what are you doing in here? Get out of here, man. Lauren Hunt wants me to relax her, and I'm going to, thoroughly. take a walk. come on. Joe, I'm serious, man. the woman got a bath in me, so you better leave.
I'm going to be needing this couch, okay? She want me to put it back.
No, she won't get put down. Wait, wait, wait.
Eddie, hold on. you're going to make a move On Lauren Hunt. Damn right, I'm going to make a move On Lauren Hunt. are you sure you're man enough?
What are you talking about, man? Eddie. I'm Eddie Murphy. Listen, yeah.
But we're not talking about one of those girls from Roosevelt High, Eddie. this is Lauren Hunt and one of the most beautiful women in the world. Joe, I can handle her, Okay? Yeah, you can handle her. she played opposite Burt Reynolds, Robert Redford, Richard Gere. these are white guys, do you know them? Joe, I don't care if she played opposite Richard Roundtree, all right? she wants me. Eddie, what makes you think she'd be interested in you? What? she thinks I'm funny, man.
Yeah, I can't believe how young you are sometimes, man. Listen, have you ever heard of premature ejaculation? huh?
I'll be okay. Yeah.
Eddie, she thinks you're funny, right? So? yeah, well, what if you take off your clothes and she thinks you're even funnier?
Eddie, we both know the myth isn't true. Oh. yeah, listen, Eddie, you know, we've been through a lot together the last couple of years. we've come pretty tight, right? so I'm just trying to save you from the embarrassment. Eddie. so long, pal. Eddie, look at this.
I mean, my God, what the. I'm supposed to be playing an archaeologist in this next sketch. they've got me in three of these things. I think those two writers, you know, those two guys, they just want me to be in underwear every time.
I. yeah, well, Lauren, I have to go now, Okay? you look real nice and just listen real good, Okay? you take it easy. Okay. And it's nice that you. okay. keep it up, Eddie. Yes. |
dropout | the_guy_who_listens_by_interrupting_you | Hey Murph! Hey Ronathon, I heard you're having trouble with your computer. Yeah, thanks for coming down. Okay, so what seems to be the problem?
So every time I try to get online it's asking me for an admin password, but it shouldn't need a password to get onto the internet, and I should already have admin privileges on this computer.
Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Did you get all that? Yeah, yeah, totally.
So, you need admin privileges? No, no, no, I already have admin privileges. I just need to get on the internet, and I shouldn't need admin privileges on the internet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. I feel like you're not actually listening to me. Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, sure. Are you actually not listening to me, or are you saying that you get that it seems that way? Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, you need to stop that. Sure, okay. Doing what? You need to stop checking in with me so much, saying yeah. Okay, right, okay. You need to stop saying yeah. What do you mean? It seems like you're not listening, and then you're just focusing on saying yeah, and got it, and everything. Yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah, okay. You're not listening class, but you're not actually paying attention. Oh, sure, yeah, totally, totally. Yeah, no, I don't think so. Then why did you disagree with me a million times while I said it? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Okay, yeah, yeah, okay.
Yeah, I'm just showing you that I'm listening to you. So you have a problem with your dog, is what I'm hearing? No, you're clearly not listening to me.
Just shut up. Okay, sure. Shut up. Okay, sure. Shut up! Don't talk for a second.
Oh, I got you! Totally, totally. Okay, okay. If you're actually listening to me, why don't you tell me what I just said? Sure.
You said that when you try to get online, it keeps asking you for an admin password, which doesn't make any sense, because you don't need that to get online, and you should be listening as an admin on this computer anyway. You asked if I was listening, I verified that you had admin privileges, and you spent the next two minutes scrutinizing the way that I listened to you and my concern for your pets. Then you asked me to recap the conversation, which is where we are right now. So you're going to fix my computer?
Sure, totally, totally, yeah. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Megan_Pustetto_So_Dramatic | Now we've been in this game for a while, our listeners would know that. Been years we've been into it. Yep.
Everything hasn't been around that long, you know, as a consistent medium in Australia for that long. There hasn't been many weekly shows in Australia for that long. I still think it's a fad. Many people do, including the commercial radio networks who think that they're going to get those ratings back, but look, it isn't as far as we can see, but we don't see much overnight success. You very rarely see overnight success and that's all starting to change as well.
One case in point is today's guest, Megan Pestetto. She's in the world of reality television, which again, you probably heard Errol cracking open a can and pouring it into a glass before. He's going to need that to get through this world because we are so unfamiliar with that world. So to get through this podcast, we're having a bit of a tipple and we're talking to Megan Pestetto, also known as Megapuss, she's the host of So Dramatic Podcast and it's a new podcast that's out on all platforms at all places you get your podcasts from and in the first three weeks we were talking 150,000 streams.
So congratulations first, Megapuss on being number one for your success in this wild, wild, uncharted territory of media that we find ourselves in. Congratulations. Thanks guys. Thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me.
It's very off brand for you guys. I feel privileged.
Just for the listeners, Meg, I'll read out what your podcast is about in your own words. So it's from reality to real life. It's all so dramatic. Gossip reporter Megan Pestetto brings you exclusive reality TV tea breakdowns and all the latest celeb scandals and delves into the drama happening in her own life to Jesus may go straight to the source to bring you all the juice featuring exclusive chats with your favorite reality stars, celebrities and special guests and gets answers to questions everyone else is afraid to ask. So Meg in two words or less, what is your podcast about? It's basically reality TV goss. Well it is reality TV gossip. Reality TV goss. It's a tabloid, I would probably say it's a tabloid podcast. Tabloid podcast.
Yeah. So tabloid as a medium, tabloid as a genre in news is still alive. We all remember growing up, everyone remembers grandma had all of those, you know, royals on the front covers of all these magazines. New idea. That world obviously, you know, it's starting to implode a little bit in the magazine world. There's a lot of, you know, different buyouts and rebel Wilson nearly killed a lot of them, but the world does exist. Single handedly killed woman's day. Yeah. I think that I don't think tabloid journalism is dead. I definitely think print is dying as we know. So I kind of thought, why not translate what's in the magazines to a new medium, which is growing podcasts.
And you've done very well at that. Hence why we've got you on because we need to talk about this world because it feels like we're missing out on a lot. How many, how many people each week in this country do you think sit down to watch a reality television program across all, across all programs?
I don't know.
Across all programs. I haven't done the math, but for example, like married at first sight, which is the biggest show in Australia that can get close to 2 million, 2 million viewers per episode. But then something like the bachelor, I think is only getting like 600,000, which is still a decent amount.
Yeah. They've flogged that horse. They haven't. Yeah. Probably at the end of this. There's been about 50 bachelors. Yeah.
So can you tell us you, you are friends with a lot of these people and I say these people in a quite a derogatory way. What do these people usually do with themselves before they enter public eye? What are their jobs? It's gone to the days of big brother where you'd load a house up with like brickies and receptionists and you'd create a, an almost social experiment. Nowadays you've kind of, what are you dealing with here? Borderlines, pro surfers. Yeah. Who are these people?
There's a lot of influences. It depends what show like love Island bachelor. I think there's a lot of influences. Jim instructors, like social media artists, yeah. Those types of people, I guess, models, but something like married at first sight has more, I guess, diverse costs, more like a snapshot of society, a bit more broader range. But yeah, definitely the youngest skewed shows would have the influencer type people.
And that's where I think it's kind of gone a bit, I don't know. It's not like the old days. The old days were also, you know, the new days when no one really knew there was a raw data and they probably made a lot of mistakes. There was probably a lot of mistakes and those things that were aired back then would just not fly these days.
Do you remember the Turkey slap? I remember all of the, all of the, what would now be, you know, quite a media event. There was a lot of incidents that happened in those islands and houses that they locked these drunk bogans into.
But nowadays there's a bit more production goes into it. Definitely it's heavily scripted.
I don't even think. Oh really? Yeah. I don't even think I'd call it. It's not reality.
It's like heavily scripted. Who writes it? Are they writing jobs? It's not, there's not a script per se. It's more like heavily guided, like please say this or can you have a conversation about that? It comes from the producer.
Yeah. Right.
They, they have an idea of what they want before you go into there. They have an idea of what character you're going to play, where they want the storyline to head. Sometimes I guess even there's talk about contestants being pre-chosen, like for The Bachelor, like the winner is already determined before you go in.
Right. Do you think that's, that's a role you'd be able to pivot into one day? I mean. Producing. Yeah. You came from magazine land, you came from that world, magazines. I've never done TV, but I always joke that Channel 10 or 9 should put me on the payroll cause I feel like I'm influencing it a bit from the outside. I don't know. But what these so-called contestants are saying to you is not scripted. Right? No, no, no. That's off script. Yeah. That brings me to my next question.
Do these people really have sex with each other? Which people? The contestants.
All the shows are different. Yeah. All these different shows.
Some are like, like married at first sight, obviously they're living together and most of them are sleeping together. But then like something like The Bachelor, no way.
Really? What do you mean? Look, I did. Is there any real relationships that emerge in these scenarios? Yeah, definitely.
People are getting married. People are having kids. There's couples still together. The first bachelor couple is still together. They're having a baby.
It's, it's. Isn't that lovely? That's like the Truman Show to me. That's all part of the script. Yeah. I'd love to see it.
No, as if they would carry the script on for like eight years. But as if you wouldn't do it for, you know, if the, if the rest of their lives. If Channel 9 wasn't giving them a bunch of money each year to still, I think, remain together and keep, you know, the fantasy alive for the next class.
I've been told there is a contract. If you're on The Bachelor and you win, you have to stay together for three months. That's to protect the franchise. On paper though.
You don't have like this break up and it's like, oh, this show's fake and nothing. What's the point? But like after the show, you can just be like, you're not living in my house.
Yeah, but they have to make appearances. That's fucked up. They have to keep up appearances for three months and then after that they can do what they want. But you do know what you're getting yourself in for, don't you? When you're signing up, it's all in the contract. Yeah. Look, I've seen the contracts. The contracts are like thick.
Thick? How thick? Like, what's that word there? Dense.
Yeah. So there's a clause in there that says you give us permission or you sign your right away to like, we can betray you however we feel deemed fit. Oh yeah. So if there's a clause in there that says that, I'm pretty sure you know what you're what you're signing up for. That's where my sympathy ends. Because there was a lawsuit that's gone on now between like how... I think it was a House Rules contestant. Yeah.
How she was, in her opinion, being very nice and kind to everyone. But then on the shorts and on the show, she was making it out that, you know, she was a little Hitler on the show or something like that.
I don't know. Hitler.
So with limited screen time that each person gets, they will choose certain facets of your personality to amplify, if that makes sense. So you might not always be a villain, but sometimes if you have that outburst, they only show those outburst moments, then you're going to come off looking like a villain. So you have to be really careful about what you do because they might only show that side of you. And everyone, I guess, is like multifaceted.
So how long do these shows take to film? Are they things that happen, you know, each week for eight weeks and then, you know, or do they shoot the whole thing at once and then it goes to air? No, like it's, it goes to air quite late. Right. They spend a lot of time editing it, which is another red flag, I guess. But Married at First Sight, I think, is filmed for four months. They live together in like a social experiment.
How much do they pay, you know, or like? It's $1.50 a day. And that's... $150 a day? Yeah, but that's expensive. You'd earn more than, you'd earn less than a fucking station hand on any station in Northern Australia. They're working like the hours, like 20 hours a day you're filming for sometimes.
So you're literally, and when you're doing Married at First Sight, you have to buy your own food. You're losing out on work. You've still got to pay rent. It doesn't even cover your living expenses. I don't think it's worth it.
But as you said, the sympathy ends at the contract. Can you... There's something in there that says like, you don't have any right, how are we going to portray you? Like, as if you would sign that. Like, come on. Here's a hypothetical scenario.
Let's say a contestant signed up for one of these shows for reasons other than finding love. What would those reasons be? What can you possibly gain from being on one of these programs aside from finding love or maybe getting $150 a day for 20 hour days for four months?
Instagram followers. Is that it? Is that what we're talking about? Five minutes of fame. Yeah. It used to be 15. Now it's five. Yeah. I think it's mostly the Instagram following because once you've got that Instagram following, you can monetize that if you're smart.
But there's so many reality stars now. But there's like, it's not even a dime a dozen. It's like thousands now.
Have you seen any sad stories? Have you seen any flames immediately burn out?
Most of them do these days because back in back in the day, it was like a big thing. If you can get on TV, it's like... Oh, you're Fitzy. You end up on radio for 20 years.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Like I feel like people forget. People like Guy Sebastian, Jess Maubois, Sophie Monk, they were all reality stars back in the day and they've managed to build a whole career off it. But these days there's just what, like eight shows a year. They've all got about 20, 30 contestants on each show. That's like there's a hundred new celebrities each year were introduced to. It's like, how do you even remember them all?
And prior to being on these shows, they weren't really, they were high profile for just being hot or being muscly. They're not high profile. They're just normal people. I think there's a big difference between someone who's famous and just some bloke you recognize at the fucking post office.
Yeah.
You don't recognize these people, these contestants within 18 months at the post office, you wouldn't recognize them.
There's a few that can maintain some sort of status quo after like the villain always manages to forge a successful career after the show. Can you tell us why all these people always end up on commercial radio? They end up on like Home and Away or Neighbors. For a couple episodes, yeah. If they're lucky. That's like hitting the jackpot if you end up on Home and Away or Neighbors. I tell you what, it sounds like an absolute boom to be like an agent. I mean, because you've got these people who come in and then the TV stations, they rip them off and then you've got an agent who's like, I can get you on Home and Away and then they rip them off. It sounds like to me as a lay person that this is just people being exploited repeatedly just so they can be recognized at the fucking post office by someone who gets the bus to fucking work every morning like me.
Pretty much. Do you know how lucrative it is though? Immediately after, there's a lot of money to be made. What do you mean like you get free entry to the bird cage at the Melbourne Cup for one year? No. Okay. So you get to go to events and all of that. Also you can charge, these people charge up to $5,000 per club appearance immediately after the show. So nightclubs. Can you believe that? Yeah. So they'll do like a big nightclub tour around Australia or they'll go to like regional pubs. I know the ones, yeah. Like the bingo. There was Math Stars doing like bingo appearances in like Dubbo. Fuck me. And they were getting like three grand in appearance. So if you do like four a weekend, five a weekend, that's some serious coin. And then on top of that, you can charge like a couple of thousand dollars for an Instagram post. Yeah. There's heaps you can do.
But it's probably like a year or a couple of months after the show to a year max until the next crop come around and then no one wants to know you. So you're saying 2020 was the worst ever year to be a reality TV contestant.
Very unlucky, hey. Because they don't get those perks. So all the married, I think COVID hit when Married at First Sight was just ending. So all of, they'd gone through what, six months of intense filming, like torture, like Married at First Sight is an intense regime. Like you don't fuck around with that shit. And then they've come off the show thinking we're going to be rewarded with all of these like events and perks and we're going to have all this fame. And then COVID just like crushed their dreams.
It was quite funny. Yeah. So they didn't get any events. They basically just like faded away so fast. I mean that's just accelerated what was going to happen to them anyway though. Yeah. But they missed out on even like their couple of months after they had all these night club appearances planned and they had to cancel them. Yeah.
Melbourne Cup, like the spring carnivals, a great kind of little flutter. A lot of them don't get invited to that. So they're not even, they don't even get. Because like when I went to Melbourne Cup.
You were Birdcage of course. Yeah, obviously. As a journalist.
I wouldn't go if I wasn't joking. No, a lot of them weren't even invited. They were putting like a strict thing out being like, it's only top tier celebrities. So they don't even in the eyes of people begging like to go to the Birdcage and the PR was like, hell no. Because there's so many of them now. In the eyes of publicists, these people aren't even tier one.
Like some of them, like maybe one or two from each season are like managed to stand out and like. Imagine being like your run of the mill reality TV star being in the Birdcage, what was it? Like four years ago when the richest person in the country goes arse over tit down the stairs in front of you.
Yeah. Imagine that. You're just. Better yet, imagine being a fifth place Australian Otter contestant in the Birdcage in 2002 when Paris Hilton arrives and then Yuruta and your name's Millsy. Millsy. RIP. Is he still around?
Now, can you tell us, it is reality TV. That's what they call it. Basically soap opera. It's heavily scripted, but occasionally real life slips in there and you're dealing with unhinged volatile people who obviously put themselves through this shit for feeling like they're slightly famous for five minutes. Your words, not mine.
Now has there ever been any, has it ever gotten real in what you've seen? Cause you follow all this shit closely behind the scenes as well. Has there ever been any crimes committed?
Yeah. Heaps. Yeah. Like what are we talking? Drugs, fighting, assault, like punching on. I broke two really good stories actually. Inside of trading. Yeah. There's been enough. There's been a lot of crimes happen. So okay. Where do I start? There's lots of, lots of drug taking during filming, like a lot of coke vendors and stuff like that. Right.
Disgusting. They don't strike me as the type of people that would enjoy cocaine. Producers know about it as well. No, they'd all hate weed. Those fucking lunatics. I'd be bouncing off the walls with that bloody cocaine in them. So Devil's Dandruff, obviously they look like the type of people that would enjoy it. Once upon a time, I'd fill them up with champagne and just see how naughty they got. Nowadays, they're kind of turning a blind eye to maybe them racking up in the bathrooms.
It depends what show. Okay. So Married at First Sight definitely heard that there was blind eyes, blind eyes turn. Producers confiscated it. Who knows what happened to it after that? They threw it out. Yeah. Confiscating, taking this off you. Thanks. TV producers. Confiscating cocaine and flushing it down the toilet. It's very relatable. I'm sure they did.
Married at First Sight is a bit looser in terms of that stuff. And then something like The Bachelor, like definitely not. Like they do heavy searches.
A guy tried to smuggle Valium onto the island and he was mixing it with alcohol. He got caught though. Why? Why the hell would you mix Valium and alcohol? Because I think he just wanted to enhance the effect.
I don't know. Maybe he had a problem. Because a lot of them do have some sort of problem.
The Bachelor had like a super, there was, I think it was a sexual assault scandal in the US. So they used to like pump them with champagne and stuff. And then when that happened overseas, they basically crap themselves and they will, they gave them like watered down mocktails at Paradise the year after that. Because they were like, we do not want a sexual assault thing on our hands. So now in Paradise, because it's basically like schoolies, right?
You have to give consent before you have sex with someone. So they knock on the window and they're like, hey, do you give permission to have sex with this guy? And you have to film it.
So they're really strict on The Bachelor. The Bachelor's a bit more wholesome than Married at First Sight. Married at First Sight.
Don't do that. They just shove you in a room with your new husband and they're like, please like procreate or something. I don't know. Fuck this guy. But scandals. So last season, Married at First Sight, there was someone who I better not name because I don't want to get sued. I don't want any legal letters.
It's a litigious game you're in. Yeah. It's very dangerous. Someone was so angry with, they had an affair on the show and then they were so angry with what happened that there was death threats sent and there was like an actual like police investigation into the show and into this contestant and stuff. And then there was a contestant that was just recently arrested for breaching COVID rules. That was kind of juicy. That's just come out.
And then the season before that, there was a contestant who took an AVO out on his ex partner. There's, yeah, for some reason Married at First Sight is just unhinged. So if you were to do a Venn diagram of NRL players and the people that hang around them and reality contestants, there'd be a bit of a crossover there.
Like hook ups? Yeah. Would they, are they similar kind of people? I mean, a lot of the behavior you just described in terms of the cocaine and fighting and COVID breaching sounds very NRL. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know.
A lot of them are from the Shire and Maroubra. So are there very many... And the Cold Coast.
So in saying that, you know, have you ever come across people who just don't fit the mold in these reality TV shows that find themselves there? You know, like maybe someone who's come from a different walk of life, who's maybe found themselves, you know, maybe a bit in over their head.
I'd say a couple of the blokes on the Farmer Wants a Wife show, I think, you know, I've spoken to a couple of them in the past and they reckon that, you know, the world came and got itself in a big hurry for them very quickly, you know, and all they wanted to do was, you know, just make sure they had a good crop in for the spring time and make sure, you know, that they'd really kind of looked after their, after the soil and made sure there was enough nitrogen in it and stuff. And then you've got these bloody TV producers coming in. It's like, hey, mate, could you hop off the tractor? Because, you know, we have to start doing some filming is like, mate, there's some rain coming in two days. I've got to get this paddock done. I don't forget what you asked at the start.
Are there people who find themselves on these kind of shows that, you know, don't fit and what happens to them? Not really. They're all, they're all the same person. They're the same person nowadays. Yeah. Like again, Married at First Sight is different. They do have a broader range of characters, so to speak, but something like The Bachelor and Love Island, like that's all the same kind of younger influencer type person. And sometimes they'll always have like a kooky person, I guess, thrown in the mix.
The hippie, the hippie with the guy with his hair tied back and he's got the cool tats.
There's always one of those. That's always good fun.
But I feel like, you know, and there's been so many contestants speak out against shows now and give warnings to other people about what you're getting into and that it's not what you think it is that how could you not know? Like you'd be stupid going into that thinking I'm the exception and it's not going to happen to me type of thing. I met a former contestant who had been on Farmer Wants a Wife in far Western New South Wales and he knows who he is.
I saw him eat an entire schooner glass. Eating, eating a lot. That sounds like an entire. I thought you said a tie. No, no. An entire schooner glass. He ate the glass and swallowed it. It was a good party trick.
But I remember thinking, that's funny they didn't let you do that on TV. That would have been great TV. It would have been great. Probably wouldn't have found a wife though. Such a shame. And I don't think he did.
Can you tell us, you've told us a whole lot about this world. We're talking a lot of shit about the type of people that go on these shows. You're talking a lot of shit about the people that produce these shows.
Are you public enemy number one? I mean your podcast has blown up. You're talking about everything. You're spilling the dark arts to the listeners. Definitely public enemy number one.
I'm waiting anxiously for a legal letter. I've had people kind of tip me off that there's maybe something coming. Unfortunately lucky I've got eyes everywhere. I've kind of got a heads up.
This is the golden rule of this game Meg. You're only going to be sued if the other person's got something to take. So as long as you're broke, you've got no assets. All I've got is my handbag. That's my most valuable possession. They better not take that from me.
But you know what as well? Like everything that I put on the podcast, which I think people find it hard to believe because they think tabloid journalism just completely made up, is actually fact. Do you know what the irony is? Here you guys are spinning all this fake news shit and people are- Hang on Meg. Hang on, hang on, hang on. It's not fake news Meg. It's hard hitting original news. And your news is getting taken as fact. It's going global and being taken as like Bible. And meanwhile I'm actually putting facts out and people are calling it fake news.
And you're getting cease and desists and that kind of stuff as well. I don't think you can, well I mean I'm no lawyer, but I probably should check this out. But you can't sue someone if it's fact, if it happened. Like I'm just reporting on fact. You can. And people have been sued for defamation over things that were true. Maybe I need to get a lawyer. Do you know anyone? Well they must have had the world's shittest lawyer because you can't defame a person for doing something that they did. I know, but if they can prove that they didn't do it or they can remove the air, if they can imply an air of doubt around the fact whether they did this or not, you know, a certain member of the Catholic church will probably be suing a few newspapers in the near future.
Not us. We deleted everything.
Now, but welcome to the game though because this new fast paced world we live in in terms of media is a scary one. Defamation laws in Australia are wild. Have you ever received any correspondence from channel 10 or 9 being like, fuck that, that, Meg, Pesteta, that. Look, the contestants have told me that before they filmed the shows now, they actually specifically say, do not talk to this girl called Megan Pesteta if she approaches you. And it was funny because a lot of the, they said it at Paradise, Bachelor in Paradise, and a lot of the contestants like are actually my friends.
So they were kind of like, she's our friend, we can't speak to her. So I don't know. I think they are threatened.
But I actually think that doing this type of stuff is drumming up publicity and interest in the show. Like if I wasn't like highlighting all the scandals that are happening, I think the ratings would be worse. It adds to like another element of like interest and intrigue and people want to tune in and be like, is that going to happen? Or I want to see that person that was involved in that scandal. I think it's, they're stupid not to think that it doesn't help the show.
You're part of the machine. That's why I married at first sight is so the biggest show because they, there's so many outside scandals that happen outside the show that just create, it's like a show happening outside of the show that just creates this interest that everyone is like again like rugby league, the biggest shows outside of the show. And then you want to tune in because you want the two worlds to kind of collide. Absolutely. There's a lot of world wrestling about it as well. I mean, in terms of the characters and the scripting and then, you know, occasionally people get to do or say what they feel and it, um, it becomes, uh, you know, even more entertaining. What do you mean?
I mean, well, you've been, you told us that it feels very scripted, the actual show like world wrestling. WWE. I haven't watched wrestling. It's the, um, I guess it's the, what is it? Fake wrestling. Is that not real? Um, no, it's script wrestling.
They're basically, it's a ballet that's done by people on steroids. Yes. Wow. Modern theater. God. So it's not just reality TV.
If you're a giant man and you grow up in the middle of Texas, you can become a ballerina. But instead of wearing a tutu, you wear a face mask and you learn how to choke slam people through tables. Do people know this? Um, yeah, I think that's the general universal. There are people who go to the theater every single week to go and watch someone get hit with a chair.
Yeah. That's basically what it is. It's, it's like going down to your local art house and watching a play like going to Shakespeare in the olden days. Exactly. That's exactly what it is. And, and, and what I was initially saying is that's what reality TV is as well. It's modern.
It started off as like a fly on the wall idea, like documentary style, but it's just evolved over time. It's getting less and less real, I would say like eventually it's just going to be like home and away, I guess.
I know a lot of these TV shows exist overseas in formats and what these TV networks do is they buy the format and then they produce it themselves. Are there any home grown Australian reality TV shows, you know, like ones that, you know, like Australians in like invented farmer wants a wife, I think is one. I think married at first sight was invented here. What other ones?
See in the Australian Idol. Oh no, that was American Idol first.
In the States, you are allowed to get married on air to really, you're not allowed to do that here. That's why they kind of have a mock ceremony in America.
They treat you like adults were here. They treat you like children.
I think you need a month. You need a month between applying for your marriage.
Something like that. Isn't it?
So the American married at first sight, they actually get, it's a legit marriage, which is revolting. It's a lot of paperwork. They kicked up such a fuss over gay marriage and they're getting married to strangers on television like instantly. So much paperwork is going to come from that. They're not going to respect the institution of marriage. And then they're getting married like that on CBS. The American version of married at first sight is so insane.
Is it better? It's a bit, actually the married at first sight is a bit more like laid back. It's not as drama.
And they aired the Australian one over there and they were like, get these Botox bitches off our screen. This is ridiculous. Like they thought we were like so way more drama. Australians overproduce the fuck out of it. I think because the Americans actually have like authentic drama happening because there's like Americans are just Americans all have media training. You can interview any American in the street and I'll give you the most perfect sound bar. Whereas Australians, you need to fill them up with mocktails and trick them into thinking they're pissed.
And that's so true. Now, another element that I've been drawing parallels between, um, you know, between reality TV and sport and wrestling. But uh, one of the main parallels of course is the sports betting element of it. And people bet.
We'll finish off today's episode. I mean, if you want more of mega puss, Megan Pestetto go to so dramatic podcasts where you find all your good podcasts, but we're going to finish today's episode with, uh, we're going to ask for some tips. Who do you reckon has got it in the bag this year in the batch?
I always go off tab. Tab is never wrong.
Bachelor. I think they're, they've put the favorite as Irena.
So if you want to make some money, I think it's only like a dollar 60 now because there's always a leak. So yeah, I'm not going down this rabbit hole again. But you know what, you can only, I've tried to do it with, you can only bet like a hundred dollars max. You don't even win that much.
So you feel like there's so many leaks within the production camp that you as someone who covers this religiously and you cover this as you know, a journalist who's involved and following it every day, you think that tab have better odds than you would in your own pick? No, cause I'm speaking usually to contestants direct. So I do know, but when I go on tab to check what like they know as well. So obviously someone's leaked it somewhere. I think it's a production source.
Thank you for joining us on the patoota advocate podcast today. And we look forward to listening to a lot more drama on so dramatic podcast. Have you been listening though? Yes, we have been.
I'm learning a lot of names. A lot of Instagram handles.
Who do you remember? I'm going to test you. Lucky Gilbert. Yep.
Irene.
Oh, did you say, um, Kieran, were you watching the, I mean, you guys always across politics. Did you say yesterday there was a contestant, Kiki Morris, she's a bombshell. Don't forget her. Did you say Kieran, Kieran Stott was mentioned from bachelor in paradise contestant was mentioned at the national press club yesterday. No, I didn't.
Yeah. Is he the bloke who's just covered in tough stickers. The fuck boy. Yeah. The pink hair now. He had blonde hair. Yeah.
Um, I imagine what the, imagine what the diggers would say if they could see that they'd be loading up on Irene at the TIB. That's for sure. Thank you for joining us this week and all the best for your endeavors and let's hopefully we can, um, you can keep your fair and honest reporting of reality TV to do here. Truth only. No fake news guys. Just hope that the producers can get over themselves and let you get on with your job. That would be nice. Thanks mate. Thanks guys. |
dropout | why_the_electoral_college_ruins_democracy_adam_ruins_everything | Every four years, we hear the words Electoral College over and over again, but we never talk about what a ridiculous and, frankly, undemocratic system it really is. The Electoral College gives vastly more power to different voters depending on which state they live in. Bigger states. Nope. Smaller states. If your state has less people, you have more power. Not too many people live in Wyoming, but they have three electoral votes, or one for every 135,000 voters. California is packed with people, but they have 55 electoral votes, or one for every 411,000 voters. And that's totally out of proportion because it means it takes three times as many Californians to earn one electoral vote, getting voters in Wyoming three times the power in the Electoral College. As a result of this system, your vote could count for less just because of where you live.
Infographics rule, right? Yeah.
Those seem unfair, but who cares if the Electoral College is kooky? I'm kooky. I have two turtles. Okay, well, it gets worse because the Electoral College also creates swing states. Oh, I love the swing states. They make election nights so exciting, kind of like when my turtles move a little. Exciting? I think the fact that the entire election is determined by just a handful of states is really messed up. For one thing, it means presidential candidates can ignore almost the entire country.
Who? I don't know many actors.
Anyway, swing states have so much power that in recent elections, up to 80% of all the votes cast in America had no impact on the outcome. That includes your vote here in California. Some states are red states, and some states are blue states. That's the way America is. Actually, most states are pretty purple.
Surf's up, y'all. You announced it needs to go up. Border wall with Mexico, dude.
If electoral votes were awarded proportionately, in 2012, 16 of Texas' electoral votes would have gone to Obama, and 20 of California's would have gone to Romney. But in our winner-take-all system, anyone who wants to vote for their state's losing party might as well just stay home.
Oh, bummer. Okay, everybody, get out. I can't listen to any more.
How about we all vote? Wait, who are all these people? Oh, these are the electors. They're the people who actually vote for president. I thought the Electoral College was just a name. Nope. When we vote, we're actually just picking our state's electors. Then those electors get together and cast their ballots for president. But who are they? Oh, mostly retired politicians and party flaps. I'm the governor's rich cousin. Okay, Mr. Smarty, that's just a technicality. They have to vote for who we choose. Mostly in 24 states, they can vote for whoever they want.
And that's happened over 80 times. In 2004, an elector in Minnesota cast his vote for someone named John E. Woods, which was almost the name of John Kerry's running mate. Did you mean John Edwards? Yes. I may have a drinking problem. That actually happened? That actually happened.
That electors' vote didn't go to John Kerry. It went to the guy running for vice president. The Electoral College is such a bad system. People have been trying to abolish it for centuries, but so far it's been politically impossible.
Okay. Well, thank you for the information. I cannot believe our beautiful system has become so messed up. Oh, no. The Founding Fathers designed our system this messed up. All right. Hold on a minute, young man.
You do not talk about the Founding Fathers like that. They were brilliant men who fought hard for my right to vote. Actually, the Founding Fathers didn't think you should be able to vote at all.
Or me. Or most Americans.
Let's go back in time and I'll prove it to you. Hey, I'm Adam from College Humor. If you liked that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Readings Everything, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on TruTV. It's going to ruin your Tuesday, but trust me, the rest of your week will be fine. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_almost_pizza_snl | Mmm, pizza. I Didn't hear the delivery guy pull up. That's because it's not delivery. Really? And It's not exactly pizza, either. It's almost pizza. Come On, that's pizza. Nope, it's very nearly pizza, but not quite. It's almost pizza. See? Come On, let's eat. So It's tofu pizza, or something like that? No, you could put tofu on a pizza and still legally call it pizza. But Don't call this pizza. It's almost pizza. Pizza That's practically pizza in every way, except for a few key ones. Come On, dig in. But It's food, though, right? Come on. Mmm, pizza. Nice One, Mom. Hang on here. What exactly is this, Carol? It looks like pizza. It's meant to. But it's not. If it was pizza, it would just say pizza. Look, I'll eat some. Sure smells like pizza. That was their intention. Whose? Just Try it, Tom. It's getting cold. No, if anything, it's getting hotter. Okay, what is this, Carol? Just Eat some. Hell, no! I'll eat it. No! I Never said it was pizza. If It's almost dinner, it's almost time for almost pizza. The thing that's much like pizza, roughly speaking. From Pfizer. |
dropout | high_ted_talks | one-third of Americans are obese two-thirds are overweight let me tell you a story a few years ago my dog was fat my vet told me to feed him less I did he lost weight lightning bolt humans should feed each other I pour food in your bowl you pour food in mine oops I'm getting fat feed me less dude I'm for real I think this is a legit good idea imagine a world where we tune the pitches of all car horns so they play one beautiful cord cool right how do I know you're not all aliens I don't and watch this now when I turn around for all I know you've all transformed back to your natural alien pig faces and you're humans again pig faces humans pig faces humans pig faces humans got really dizzy I want all of you to close your eyes now press your eyes with your fingers like this right what is that it's the inside of your brain what would even happen if everyone in the whole world jumped at the same time I can google it I can't handle the fact that I have knees we should build everything out of Legos like really big ones skin pockets pockets for your skin so you have a place to put your key when you are naked do you realize the entire world is made out of hexagons just bring me a pen and paper so I can write that down let's do it guys let's start a business let's actually do it not just say we're going to do it wait have I just been not talking for a really long time |
dropout | this_system_beat_the_ps4_and_xbox_one | Hey guys, I'm Pat. I'm Owen.
All three big next-gen video game systems are out on the market right now And a lot of you guys have been emailing us asking which one's the best. So we got our hands on all three And today we're gonna put them to the test The Xbox one has some really great exclusives like Dead Rising 3 and Killer Instincts. The PS4 slightly fewer exclusives But still some strong choices like Killzone and Resogun.
In a distant third, which is surprising considering it's a system That's usually known for its exclusives is the Flock and Decker Chrome Belgian Waffle Maker I tried to load up Assassin's Creed 4 on this thing and I ran into a lot of trouble Winner Xbox One. Round 2, Waffle Making. No contest here. There's a clear winner and it is The Waffle Maker. I'm still having trouble trying to get a strong waffle out of the Xbox One And as you can see it had a lot of problems cooking the batter evenly or in a waffle shape or at all Ditto for the PS4. I had trouble even finding the waffle slot on that one Yeah, we looked for a while. It remains to be seen how that's gonna pan out in the next generation Winner Waffle Maker. Round 3, Cleaning. The Waffle Maker's nonstick surface makes it a cinch to just wipe clean Which is good because there's a warning on the box that says it is not dishwasher safe Yeah, luckily the PS4 and the Xbox have no such warning on their box. So cleaning them was a snap Winner Wrong. Round 4, Online. I heard a lot about the Xbox One and PS4's online capabilities But I just wasn't impressed. Honestly, I got tons of Glitches and error messages. They're both filled with soapy waffle batter.
That was weird Yeah, I agree. That was weird.
Now, of course, the Waffle Maker really outshined the competition in the online department A great lobby and party system, very intuitive menu set up, a fantastic multiplayer waffle flew me away I think the other companies are gonna be playing catch-up in this department for a long long time Winner Waffle Maker, Round 4, Final Thoughts You know at this point both Owen and I were surprisingly disappointed in the performance of both the Xbox and the PS4 So we took a little extra time with the systems and really looked into them to see if we missed any hidden ports or extra features Anything at all that would turn this great around Really dig deep to see what these systems are made out of Turns out a lot of weird circuit-y stuff So if what you're looking for is a great next-gen all-in-one waffle and game experience You really can't go wrong with the black and decker waffle Oh, that's hot. Overheating may be an issue though Hey, thanks for watching If you liked the video click me to subscribe to our YouTube channel where you can also yell at us for breaking these machines We're gonna we're gonna fix these right? We're gonna play cool video games on these man All right, okay. All right, I want to play Rezo gun |
dropout | wild_american_eagle_models | My name is Greg Treschuck. I'm a freelance nature photographer and I'm here to shoot the rare American Eagle model. This is some really great stuff. These are all my work. Models aren't that hard to find once you know where to look.
Fields, beaches, alone, beaches together in couples at night. I tried taser, rat poison, shotgun. Well, nothing seems to scare them.
Wow, look at the ethnic ambiguity here. Really prime specimens. Look how defined the V of that one's pelvic bone is. He's definitely the alpha.
Wool scarves with no shirts, snow pants and sandals. Wet suits with messenger bags. It's like they're trying to mimic human behavior but just can't get it right. Look, that one's carrying a surfboard. He has no idea what to do with it.
I should've threw up on my Chevy again. They love vintage cars.
You get it out of here, you tired of having some kids by me? You get it? Come on! Get it?
When I was younger, I used to go out after American apparel models. That kind of worked. Just things safe after a while. Don't look all right. Look in the eyes.
Turn, turn! Oh my God!
Their behavior, while it looks like courtship, never actually ends in intercourse. Most of the males are gay. Every once in a while, they'll ask me to dart one, send it back to the store for display purposes. Breaks my heart. Sometimes, beyond the perpetual vague disinterest, I think you see a glimpse of human intelligence. But then you remember, no. They're nothing but big, dumb, beautiful animals. God, I want to fuck them. |
cracked | after_hours_6_movies_whose_timelines_don_t_add_up | Did that one. We did that one. We did this one.
You're considered throwing the old ones away. They're beginning to smell weird.
It's the musk of companionship. It's the musk of a lot of things. Hey! Speaking of musk-smelling things, what ever happened to Ripley's cat in the Aliens franchise? Mmm, Jonesy.
She leaves him on the company ship before she heads off to LV-426. Presumably he lives a full life after that, which is more than I can say for his owner.
Oh yeah, Jonesy outlives Ripley in cat years. Not in human years, though. Yeah, in cryo sleep years, they both are pushing 90, so... Which would be like 300 in cat cryo sleep years. Cat-ho-sleep!
And yet for Ripley, the events of those movies all take place over a couple of months. Got it. Today's thing is why Voldemort is secretly canned up.
What are you all... No, stop thinking! Hey Marty, who are you supposed to be? Clint Eastwood?
Okay, so f*** the cards then, I guess, right? Is that what we're doing? Just abandoning the cards that I lovingly, tenderly put together for us?
Just... just... not so hard. Sorry, he's sorry. It was for an important moment of growth. Man, Ripley really doesn't get a break in any of those movies, does she? No.
After she wakes up in Aliens, she's asked to go fight a whole hive of them after like a couple of weeks. Then she crash lands on that sexless friar tuck planet and immediately has to fight an alien-dog hybrid. Then, depending on your philosophical views on the soul, that same Ripley who commits suicide at the end of Alien 3 is resurrected in Alien 4 just as the acid spit hits the fan. That's like a solid month of pure alien rambling.
Philosophical? Wait, are you saying... are you saying women don't have souls? Because I disagree, Soren. Okay, did you see that? I disagree. No, okay.
Any time travel movie plot is a complete mind-f*** marathon when you look at it from the perspective of the hero. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly spends a week in 1955, only to have Doc Brown screeching to his driveway the next day and drag him off to the future. Then back to the present, then into the past again, all in a single day.
Let me just say I was here yesterday. We're here yesterday, Marty. You were!
Then it's another week in the old west and finally he's dropped off exactly where he started. For everyone else, those two weeks of temporal mishaps for Marty all happen in a single quiet evening. The same thing happened to Ash in the Evil Dead trilogy. His romantic cabin vacation that was actually months fighting skeletons in medieval times. To all of his co-workers, that's just a long weekend. Oh, that's a good one.
Hey, did you guys all realize that the Evil Dead and Friday the 13th take place in the same universe? But don't Freddie and Jason take place in the same universe? And in Nightmare on Elm Street, they watch the movie Evil Dead. Yeah, it's real f***ed up. In Jason Goes to Hell, the final Friday, we see the Necronomicon from the Evil Dead just laying around Jason's apartment, right? And in the Friday the 13th chronology, that actually takes place in 2003. Wait, Jason Goes to Hell? The early 90's slasher? Yep, both Jason Goes to Hell and Jason Takes Manhattan are both post-9-11 in the Jasonverse timeline.
I mean, I'm surprised you guys didn't know that. Why would we know that? Why would anyone know that? How's that even possible? Because you read it on a Jason forum and remembered it?
Not what I'm asking. Oh, the timeline. How is the timeline possible? Right. Okay, so the first movie starts in 1979, and then the next two movies take place immediately after, until Jason is hacked to death by 12-year-old Tommy Jarvis, who is played by Corey Feldman. Come on.
None of you guys Friday the 13th fans? Did you even play the new game? I mean, I watched the first movie, but aren't the sequels all kind of...
Garbage. They're garbage films, Katie.
They have a rich mythology. See, Tommy Jarvis comes back in the sixth film, and he's 17 years old, and he accidentally resurrects Jason using the cemetery fence as a lightning rod. Sixth...accidentally res...trash. So that means that the story skips ahead to the 90s, and then in The New Blood, we meet this girl named Tina Shepherd, who's like in the same place at the same time, but she killed her dad with her psychic dockbuckling powers. The New Blood skips ahead to 2001, when she's 16, and she resurrects her father's dead corpse to trap Jason in the waters of Crystal Lake.
Just absolute garbage.
So Jason is 50 in the final movie? He's like 30 in immortal Jason years.
Which would be 127 in immortal cat years. How are you calculating cat years so fast? What have you been doing in your off time? Oh, speaking of 127, I have 127. Seven.
The movie. But from the killer's perspective.
Why aren't you answering my question?
Look, it's dated exactly one year ago today. Thanks to Sloth, we know that John Doe's been planning these murders at least a year in advance.
All of which culminate in the murder of Brad Pitt's wife and the placing of her head in a fancy package. It seems that envy is my sin. Oh, what's in the box?
But none of that could have been planned for longer than a couple days at most. Mills has only been on the case, or indeed in town, for a week. So the decision to decapitate his wife had to have been cooked up at the last minute. There's even a scene where he says that to Mills. I'll be readjusting my schedule in light of today's thought.
But since John Doe is Mr. Meticulous Von Stabby, we can assume that there are two other corpses posed elaborately, tucked away somewhere in the city with sins carved into their bodies. The cops just never find. I mean, for John Doe, the entire third act of this film is just improvising a good finale for his Riddler killing spree.
And all in a single day. Here's how we know. Mills and Somerset show up at the scene of the Pride murder in the morning. Later that morning, they're at the police station, and John Doe hops out of a cab covered in blood and turns himself in. Detective! You're looking for me. We also see Mills sleeping in bed with his wife the night before, which means the last time Mills saw his soon-to-be headless wife alive was that morning before he left for cop work. So John Doe had to have broken into his apartment, murdered his wife, and sawed through her spinal column first thing in the morning.
He had to skip breakfast. Then he would have to neatly package the head without getting any blood on the package, find an all-day delivery service on the Lord's Day, I might add, and convince them to deliver it to a far-off location at a specific time later. He said he wanted it here at exactly seven o'clock. And he couldn't just walk into the shipping center just covered in blood. I mean, that means he'd have to change his clothes with a Target bathroom or something. Which means to make the scene work at the police station, he had to change back into his bloody murder suit and take the most awkward cab ride of all time to turn himself in.
All with time to get booked and get driven to the desert. That is a lot to manage in a day. Oh, yeah. It's like Murderer Doubleday. I could do it. I could kill that much in a day. I got it.
Marvel. Marvel is the answer. I feel like you weren't even listening to Marvel. We know, according to the established MCU timeline, the official one, that the events of Thor, Incredible Hulk, and Iron Man 2 all take place within the same week, all before the events of Captain America, and all after the events of the first Iron Man, where Nick Fury is establishing the Avengers Initiative. So Nick Fury is trying to build a team of superheroes before he knows that Thor exists, that Captain America would be found, that Loki would attack, that Thanos was out there, or even that aliens were real.
All he has is a bunch of spin-kicking spy buddies, a retired Ant-Man, a blue cube, and the whispers of a green monster clumping around Brazil. That is a completely unrealistic plan, but he got phenomenally lucky for havoc. That's true. I mean, Tony Stark says that he's Iron Man, and then Fury just like breaks into his house and invites him to be a part of his hypothetical alien-punching clubhouse? That's crazy. But doesn't he know Hydra exists at that point? Yeah, but is that really enough to pour billions of defense spending into a color-coded super-team that you really have zero evidence of the necessity for? I mean, 99% of the time, that would get you pretty darn fired. It would get you pretty f*** darn committed. We're supposed to see Nick Fury as this badass genius when what's more likely is that he is the Doc Brown of SHIELD, a discredited maniac stumbling from fail project to fail project until hitting a statistically impossible jackpot. Bam!
Daniel did it. Daniel's the best.
And he did it without his cards. It seemed the cards were inside of the... My cards! You know, in a way, these cards are your own Avengers initiative.
How many of those do you actually have? How many consecutive days have we been coming here and doing this? 79? 80?
Well, so like it's only been two and a half months? It feels like much longer. Well, you've all been rapidly changing your appearance every day, so I can see how it would seem that way. Also, it's a lot longer.
Cat ears, I assume. I wouldn't know. There's only... I can't go the other way. I can't divide cat ears into normal ears. You'd need some kind of cat machine.
A cat cue later. A cat cue. |
cracked | 6_movie_fight_moves_that_make_no_damn_sense | No one goes to action movies for realistic fighting because realistic fights are all dirt humping arrest records and embarrassing hand casts But when a movie drifts too far in a fantasy we end up with something that looks more like a college freshman's interpretive dance Choreography than anything that could realistically incapacitate Vin Diesel In Fast and Furious 6 Dom Toretto and Brown O'Connor have betrayed the US government to free international terrorist Owen Shaw in order to save Dom's sister and Brian's wife Mia Uh Dom's sister and Brian's wife are the same person more specifically in this particular scene Dom knows that he has to win this fight quickly and Angrily and he makes a very interesting choice In good conscience, I can't make fun of this scene right now I simply know too much as a Fast and Furious franchise fan. I know that Dom is not a fist flailing physically first-rate fruit loop He is actually a punch artist experimenting with the form this moment marks the beginning of his flying head punch period see we've already established That Dom can easily shoulder punch through drywall And we know that Dom is not only proficient with the back punch But knows the proper mid-air form to take to prevent his spine from being mashed into powder bored by the mundane at ease of day-to-day Punching that us peasants find so stimulating Dom keeps his mind limber by challenging himself to punch through barriers and broaden the horizons of his chosen art Form this kind of depth is why he's my favorite movie character and alternate theory is that the Fast 6 screenwriter watched that scene from the lost world Where the Pachycephalosophilus is a head butts a dude through a jeep and thought to himself man Wish I was writing a movie about dinosaurs so I could rip that off When The Matrix came out in 1999 It was the coolest thing anyone had ever seen because it allowed us to watch anime style fight scenes Without having to be the kind of person who watches anime but the thing about that fight style And we didn't realize this into the sequel is that if you just shoot it slightly wrong It stops looking like S&M ninjitsu and starts looking like an overweight dude rolling around an invisible hammock This is a hundred and fifty million dollar movie and they spend 14 seconds ratcheting up the tension with helicopter shots and swimming music Only for Larry fish to awkwardly fall half a foot in the air and then tap that dude with his big toe like an eight-year-old Earning his bluebell martial arts and movies are a ballet But we're not watching actual ballet is something that someone should have told Keanu Reeves stuntman right before this moment Looks like an exercise the doctor gives you after you hurt your back at your Taekwondo class He's just lucky that random agent Smith flew in from off-screen for no reason or that would have looked really dumb And I would keep going but at this point in the movie I realized that there's a scene where Neo throws one agent Smith at a big pile of agent Smith's There's a sound effects like a bunch of bowling pins being knocked over and it made me wonder if maybe I'm the idiot I don't know how many people in the world are in the same blood sport situation as me, but let's try this out anyway growing up I had always heard of a movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme titled blood sport But I never actually got to see blood sport because my parents assumed it was too violent for me because it was called blood sport So I filled my little kid brain with fantasies about what my favorite time cop might be able to do in a universe called blood sport Then I grew up and never actually got around to seeing it But those fantasies persisted and I never in my life ever Imagine that there might be a scene where Jean-Claude Van Damme's character who I assume is named blood sport Kills a man by punching his balls into his brain I don't want to know anything else about this movie never tell me I only want my childhood fantasies and that crotch punch to live together forever Perfect. In fact if you go into the comment section and try to tell me the plot of this movie I will punch your balls into your brain and kill you that is a real legal threat that I'm making right now to you Brad Terminator 2 is one of my favorite movies because it's one of everyone's favorite movies because It's Terminator 2 in fact you could use Terminator 2 to make the argument that we don't even need to make movies anymore because we have Terminator 2 at this point Sarah Connor is locked in an insane asylum because that's exactly what a functioning society does to people who try to blow up factories because they Think robots from the future are trying to murder their children one orderly who we can only assume is Particularly dedicated to his job of making the world a better place manages to get the drop on her and yank the syringe of Drain out out of her hostage's neck.
Sarah retaliates by bashing his nose and then What it looks like she shoved him off a swing set because she had a crush on him Look at his two feet legs. She almost pushed him completely upside down I would be totally fine if we threw in some matric logic and he did a full-on backflip there Can we do that? Does anyone know does anyone know how to do that?
Ricky oh the story of Ricky is a 1991 Hong Kong action comedy horror drama soap opera monster movie about a man with superhuman Strength battling the Yakuza in prison. Remember how I said that the matrix is what happens You try to make an anime movie with humans I was lying to you the story of Ricky as that happens You try to make an anime movie with humans later on in that right Ricky is fighting another one of his nemeses in the prison Yard and that guy named Oscar Manages to cut Ricky's arm and Ricky rips out one of his own veins and sows his wound shut with it Oscar is so blown away by this explosion of raw masculinity that he performs Harikari an ancient ritualistic suicide in which you gut yourself horribly But it's a ruse because Oscar then reaches inside his own stomach pulls out his intestines and tries to choke Ricky to death with them Which I guess means it's not really a ruse because he actually got himself but Ricky retaliates by punching him across the prison yard and then they keep fighting for a while and all that stuff is amazing But let's stick with the intestines thing for a minute as Oscar wraps his own guts around Ricky's neck The warden clearly shouts. All right, you got a lot of guts Oscar Not only is he cheerleading this guy on in the middle of a prison yard modal combat But he's doing so a like a little league coach and be with a dad pun.
This movie is amazing Spider-man 2 is the last time anyone did or ever will make a great movie with spider-man in the title It features hands down the coolest superhero fight in the history of filmmaking on top of a train that if we're being picky Ben Your geography probably doesn't exist But who cares because it seems great and right in the middle of it Doc Ock in his most magnificent feat of mad science Tom foolery rips a hole in time and throws spider-man through it I know it may seem a bit odd to criticize physics in a spider-man movie, but look at me Look at me that can't have happened Ock and Spidey are traveling on top of the train They and the train have the same relative velocity then Ock throws spider-man forward in the direction of the train is traveling meaning spider-man speed is now The train speed plus whatever speed Doc threw him at and yet after Spidey darts to that walkway He appears behind Doc Ock and Ock is surprised to see him What what if you think I'm making a big deal out of nothing keep in mind This is the turning point in the fight Spidey is getting his ass handed to him by dr Octopus is clear intellectual and physical superiority the odds are even not by a clever strategic gambit or a show of strength But by a hole in reality that appears specifically to give spider-man the upper hand you may as well have had dr Who warp in and go off brilliant and wave his sonic screwdriver around like a lunatic my point is Spider-man is a hack winning superhero fights through luck and temporal trickery rather than through grit and determination and the superpowers He was given by that spider bite. He deserves none of the credit here, and I have no idea why this isn't a bigger deal the people I Got out of hand Spider-man 2 is fine. That scene is probably fine. I mean who gives a like and subscribe Sorry about this or I Mean just you know come to talk to me on Twitter |
SaturdayNightLive | neil_and_jean_glenn_and_their_first_super_bowl_snl | Well, uh, here we are. Yeah, Iggy's Sports bar. It's too bad that the Lily Pad Cafe was closed, but I'm sure the tea and toast here will be just as good. this place is on my speed-walking route, but I never had the nerve to come in. What happened? did you go to the Nerve Store?
Jane, good joke. let's find some chairs. my dog's embarking. who's watching them after being cared for? Jane, it's a figure of speech. by dogs, I meant feet. In that case, at my next barbecue, I'm going to serve hamburgers and hot feet. Jane. more tasty wordplay. Well, I've been reading a lot of Beatle Bailey. well, you can really tell. excuse me, little girl. little girl, my friend's feet are barking. can you help us muzzle them with a seat? Well, you guys are going to have a hard time finding a seat now that the game started. Oh, dear. How long does the game last? like four hours. four hours? here's a burger try.
Shut up. we're trying to watch the Super Bowl. Ah, the Super Bowl. so that explains the proud display of all the numbered shirts. I've never seen a Super Bowl. neither have I. I thought I had. But all I saw was one team of beer bottles playing. another team of beer bottles. I saw a Super Bowl once, but it was not my choice. I was in the hospital because my neighbor's cat literally got my tongue. and the man next to me wouldn't pass the remote control because he was dead. My first Super Bowl.
I'm on pins and needles. I have to call you out on that. to me, it looks like you're on a mixture of sawdust and peanut shells. Oh, Jean, you little funky junky joker monkey. don't set me up for it if you don't want me to slam at home. can you guys find another place to stand? Oh, certainly. Oh, here's a spot. Ooh-la-la, great find, Glenn. hey, man, you're blocking the Tv. I'm sorry. excuse me, little girl. are you sure there aren't three seats? why don't you sit on my face? I'm sorry. I guess we only need two seats now. excuse me, sir, is your face taken? Yeah, it is. Well, let me know if it opens up. Oh, look yonder. I think I see a clearing big enough for the three of us. people really seem to like their spot selection. kudos, Glenn.
I never felt such support from what was initially an unsupportive group. I'm telling you, it's Barack Obama. he's really changing things. you know what? all this moving and talking has made my breath smell like a garbage can at a sushi restaurant. I have some men, so I found them in my nephew's room. Oh, the same nephew that's in jail for selling ecstasy out of plastic bags marked mints? Yes, that's the law. Well, I better take 20, because my mouth tastes like a shoe bottle.
Okay. well, here's a bunch for you. Oh, thank you. Here, there's a bunch for you.
Oh, actually, well, these are not the most flavorful mints. Oh, I guess suck harder, glanton. most of the retzing is in the middle. I'm sucking as hard as I can.
I better take more. fill our bathtubs with baby carrots and lettuce, and trust me, the bunnies will come. And then we'll take all the bunnies and form them into a bunny tower, which we will climb bunny by bunny until we get to heaven. And then I can find Jesus and ask him the question I've always wanted to ask. what's your deal? Then you perform for the angels, a model.
We'll still call it the Super Bowl, but in our version of the Super Bowl, it will be pants versus skins. And by skins, I mean potato skins. And the winner will be decided by four impartial judges.
Okay, guys, seriously, we're closed. Hey, little girl, you're rude. What a rude little girl. that's America. it's a problem. |
TheOnion | Landmark_Supreme_Court_Decision_Lets_Americans_Cram_Cash_Directly_Into_Politicians_Mouths | US Currency Finally Achieves Universal Suffrage Forbes releases the 2014 list of the most punchable CEOs and a smooth operator is also a forklift operator. Punching over your computer screen as you squint at a two minute video summary you must be wondering, could this be heaven? No, this is the Onion Week in Review. In a landmark 5 to 4 decision issued this Wednesday the Supreme Court ruled to allow Americans to cram cash directly into politicians mouths. The ruling which effectively eradicates former prohibitions against stuffing checks and stacks of hundred-dollar bills straight down the throats, ears and other orifices of presidential and congressional candidates is expected to fundamentally alter the ways American politicians have large quantities of money shoved right into their bodies. This Wednesday the EPA announced a new 70 million dollar initiative to conserve whatever's left. Created with the intention of preserving whatever natural life is still there the Save What We Can campaign is directed to preserve what wildlife flora and few natural habitats have somehow managed to hang in there for this long.
Pointing to its super boring oort cloud and lack of any even remotely cool supernovas a study published this week found that Earth is located in what is without a question the lamest part of the universe. We're billions of light years away from any supermassive black holes, interstellar explosions or really anything even moderately cool. Our nebula just sucks so hard in comparison to some of the things out there. We're the cosmic equivalent of a fucking cul-de-sac. And in this week's op-ed pages a man asks why if God exists doesn't he throw us like a really fucking sweet party. In other news an increasing number of men feel pressure to accept realistic standards of female beauty. FedEx confirms that more than 600,000 people try to mail themselves each year and a recovering alcoholic doesn't need friends to have a good time. For more keep checking TheOnion.com and now for a few seconds of pure silent blackness to reflect the meaningless horror that is our universe. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_new_super_mario_wii | Friends, you're watching Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff Rubin here with Amir Blumenfeld, Pat Castle and stand-up comedian Baron Vaughn. Today we are playing New Super Mario Brothers Wii, a Mario game that four people can play at once. Now you guys might not have heard of him, but Mario is this video game character who's a plumber, and he gets into all kinds of wacky adventures. Now you're thinking of Luigi. I have a giant helmet with a little beanie on top. Oh, so the other move you can do in this game is when you shake the controller, you spin around.
Holy crap, guys, look, it's happening. Just completely not useful and happening. You know what's amazing?
We've been making Mario games for 20 years, they still haven't figured out that everyone hates underwater levels. I bet there's an ice level, and like, I don't think there's any ice level. Well look, this is desert level. Yeah, yeah, desert level, this is like from Mario. You know what that means? There's desert level.
Snakes. Snakes and quicksand. Oh, there's definitely quicksand.
It's not a play identically, it's not like Mario 2, but it still feels like Luigi sucks. Luigi's the best at Mario 2.
Oh no, I lost my beanie. I'm nothing. Nothing!
Okay, I got fire power. I like to think of the Nintendo, they were like, should we put Princess in this game as a character? And they're like, nah, two toads. This is where Tetris meets Mario. Up in the heavens. Up in gamer heaven. Which is cute girl hell. I got Luigi, and he's going in the fucking lava. Why would you throw me in the lava? I don't know, it seems fun. Look what I'm doing with Mario here.
He's not going up. I'm holding up.
And it's a shame, because this is the first time we're working together, so just throwing each other in the lava. The game is totally not reinforcing us in a positive way. Don't work together, it doesn't do anything. Okay, here's the thing about this game so far. It's very chaotic. Yeah. Because there's four people playing it one time, so that's pretty dangerous and it's hard to keep track of what everybody's doing. The other players are at least as big a hindrance as they are hell.
I think I agree with you. I think it's just kind of hectic and I think that it does play better if it's less than four people. Yeah, you're right. You know what, Pat?
Get out of here. You know, a lot of old Nintendo games had this format of side-scrolling with multiple players at once, and there was always that tension of like, if you're playing Russian Attack or Contra, you're done, you're at the edge of the screen, you're ready to move on, but your friend is just lingering in the back, and you're like, come on, dude! I can see myself playing it by myself, if I just kind of want to pass the time for a little bit. I'm not even reading literally any book, ever. Unless we're talking about Franz Kafka, because really, Franz Kafka is the Nintendo of literature. I mean, in a way, aren't these games bad for the progression of video games or run backwards here? No. You talk about this as like it's a freakin' civil rights movement. I think this video game is setting us back about three hymns.
What do you think Bowser would do with Princess once he got his hands on her? Do you think it's a sex thing? Definitely.
It's not even sex. It's just pure physical. It's just lust. fucking those blue turtle shells with... It's called Bowser, because bowsing is a really vulgar sex act.
So far, this is not better than just regular Mario, you guys. I'm not having more fun than I had when I played Mario. Okay, Grandpa. Sorry, this is a little too 3D for you. Why don't you go back to Mario 61 or something? 64. Sure. You have that weird Swedish system. 61 bits. I love this game. |
cracked | some_of_our_favorite_dark_jokes_in_it_s_always_sunny | He is at our bar right now drinking himself to death. If he dies, we get money. I'm gonna buy a gun because I'm the man of the house. It should be able to end his life if he's a woman of the year. He can't stop it. So should we get the dead h**k out of your poor man? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Out of your concern?
Did you f**k my mom, Santa Claus? Did you f**k your f**king mom? Did you f**k my mom, Santa?
YEAH! AHH! He's biting my neck! Charlie! Hey look, can you get us some more of that human?
My body's... Are you still going on about the meat? I didn't feed you human meat. It was a raccoon. As you know, I'm as sick as a three-legged dog on the streets of India. I'm having my mommy's a skeleton! I gristed your a**es good because you said I was slipping.
I feel too much!
You made me dig up my dead mother because I said you were losing it? Well yeah, I noticed. You put meat hunks in it. Wow, hunks to meat. It's tennis! Talking about... You're eating the dog! HAHA! |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_doppleganger_snl | Oh my God. that guy over there totally looks like you will. What? Where? over there on the bench. that guy? no way. he doesn't look like me. doesn't it look like him? it looks like him. I mean, you have to imagine him without the mustache, but he's a dead ringer. Okay, I guess so. that's pretty good. Okay, Seth, I'm gonna try to find you. good luck. Boom. right there. now where? over there by the wall. Oh, come on. that guy looks nothing like me. Oh my God. Andy, doesn't that look like Seth? it looks like you. What?
That guy's got a big top hat. he doesn't look anything like me. Well, you gotta imagine him without the top hat. he's your doppelganger, man.
I guess. No. yeah, I see it. Alright, let's do Andy. Okay. there he is. Wait, I got one too. by the trash can? same one.
Oh my God. that is you, Andy. that guy? Yeah, that guy. he doesn't look anything like me. What? he looks exactly like you. I mean, you gotta look past the gloves. it's not the gloves. that guy's a loser. Fine. who do you think you look like? I don't know. how about that guy? Yeah, that guy does not look anything like you. he's wearing a green bandana around his neck. Yeah, I know the first guy. that guy's your twin. that guy. you think I look like this guy?
Well, not now. he's wearing those gloves. Okay, fine. how about now?
Now I can't tell him apart. Which one's Andy?
Gotta be kidding me. I don't know which one to shoot. What? why are you gonna shoot anyone?
Wait, we can ask him something that only Andy knows. Andy, what do you think about sandwiches? I love them. Andy does love sandwiches. everyone loves sandwiches.
You're right. take the shot. don't take the shot. Take the shot! I shot the wrong guy.
Yep. back to work. let's go, Bozo. |
cracked | cracked_classic_worst_terrorist_ever | Oh, the American people, I addressed these words to you today in regards to the murder of our former leader, our martyr, Osama bin Laden. You wished for retribution against us, but you will receive nothing short of swift revenge instead of that. Oh, the American people, is it recording?
What? Yes. Are you sure? Yes, yes, keep going.
But the red light is on. Yeah, that means it's recording. No, red means stop. It is re- Oh, the American, this is Osama's camera, so... I know, I do use the camera! ...second people. We are so confident in our victory that I will assume by the time you see this, our upcoming attack will have already succeeded.
Fear my confidence! Do you want me to do it? No! Okay, take the glasses off if you want, fine. Fear our future and your past, for you see, after this recording, I will go and hijack a plane, can I get the ride to the airport? Oh, wow! I haven't even thought of that. Take a cab! Oh, okay, yeah!
Osama had the only cellphone. Fine, okay. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I know, I know, I know, I know, I will go to the ocean, you know, one of the oceans, and dive to the bottom of the sea, find Osama's body, leaf through his girls' pockets- This is not- No, and then I'll get the cellphone, and then I'll get his wallet that hopefully has the warranty in it, over, over, through- It's over, under, through- Over our- We see a Verizon store nearby, give them the phone, give them the warranty that had better be in that wallet, get the replacement phone, activate it, come back here, and then I can call the cab company. Oh, wait, what's the number for the cab company, Gary?
I don't know!
Well- Okay? Yes! Alright, we're rolling. Start from wherever. Okay, I'm gonna go from- Anywhere! Just go! Like all the American people- Fine! Excuse me? Oh, the American people.
Did you pay- Clearly not! Clearly no one paid the electric bill!
Well- Oh, the American people, infidels, etc. You will soon regret the murder of Osama. Look, as soon as we find the key to the shed, with all the bomb stuff in it- Okay! Um, yes, goodbye. Um, hell, Satan? Is that what we do?
Honestly, without Osama's morning pep talks, I don't remember. Right, like I- My name is Mr. App, because that's what I do. And furthermore- Remember the bunnies? Well, yeah, I remember the b- Give it your back, fatter! Hey, guys. I'm Adam Ganser.
I'm a writer and producer and director. I'm a writer and producer. I'm a writer and producer and director. I'm a writer and producer. I'm a writer and producer and director at the site.
And I just wanted to thank you for a great 2012, uh, let you know that there's a lot of really cool videos coming up next year. Uh, you're gonna love all of them, um, I hope. Or I won't- I guess I won't do them anymore. Um, anyway, subscribe, please, to the site, so that we'll make more videos. Um, because I make- I make about a quarter of whatever we make on every video, if you like them. |
cracked | the_9_most_idiotic_reasons_people_use_car_horns | Oh, hi, I didn't see you come in. Set up lights and a camera and then yell action. How embarrassed I must be. I'm here to talk to you about honking. I know, I know, Snoozeville. But what else were you gonna do? Take an online quiz to see which WKRP and Cincinnati character you are?
Spoiler alert, it's f***ing any of them. Honking takes on many forms. You f*** up, don't f*** up, you're about to f*** up, and f*** you, I didn't f*** up, you f***ed up. The actual purpose, of course, is to alert other motorists of hazards and potential accidents. The horn is too worn, and I wish it didn't rhyme. I so wish that, but it's true. That's the point of honking, look out. Yet studies have found that about half of honks are used to chastise people after an incident. The other half of honking is honked mere moments before a collision, basically saying, we're gonna hit each other, beep beep, hope that helps. So people are honking, not to accomplish anything, but basically just to let other drivers know that they're mad. The next time you're exiting a parking garage, fumble with your ticket at the gate a little bit, play around, put it in backwards, pull it back out, put your credit card in backwards, take a minute, you know, enjoy the sights. Soon, the person behind you will honk, even though they see that you're having trouble. Then others will join in, laying on the horn with fury, as if they can imagine some problem that can only be solved by a chaotic orchestra of loud noise. This happens in traffic too, fives of angry motorists honking the f*** out of their horns, waiting for some mystery person to think, oh, all of that unbearable noise is directed at me.
And let me just air. Everyone's home now, you're welcome, I'm the best driver.
Statistically, honking is an aggressive act. Honkers honk more when it's hot, a weekday, ugh, weekdays, and if they're men, ugh, men. And the people who honk the most are, if you can believe it, which you should because it's true, people with bumper stickers. Even one sticker raises the likelihood that that, this is believed to be true for two reasons. One, people with bumper stickers more associate their car with their own personal space. So they're more edgy about people being on the road near them. And two, yep, people with bumper stickers have trouble communicating, but they desperately want to communicate anything. And there are just very few options for them when it comes to honking. And I think that's the real problem here. A horn is one tone, one volume.
Yes, you can go long or short, like some sports thing, I think. Like go long, that's a thing. Go long.
But when you get down to it, horns basically all sound the same. Which is crazy to me, because we're an intelligent species that has created so many different ways to communicate complex messages to each other. Words, flags, ocarinas, hand gestures, tiny bumps, and even a series of short and long beeps. Coming up with a universal honk language would not be difficult, and it would make everyone so much happier, so much more understanding, and so very less angry and confused.
Of course, very soon, a good amount of the population will have a self-driving car. The first one from Mercedes-Benz comes out this year. This means that people will spend more time in their cars doing the things they already do. Texting, watching videos, and shaving. A car will become even more an extension of a personal space, and will spend even less time focused on the road.
Honking won't be necessary, because the cars will be robots, and won't make stupid human mistakes. And if any intricate car communication needs to happen, there will likely be screens hooked up to some sort of inter-network, whatever you're gonna call that, that allows drivers to send messages with actual words. So, we're actually nearing the end of all these honking problems, because soon, we won't need horns at all, which is good.
I just lament the missed opportunity, you know? A traffical utopia, motorists driving around, honking in multi-tone rhythmic melodies that mean things like, look out, thanks, I didn't see you there, no problem, nice car, thanks, have a nice day. What, I don't have a nice car? No, you do, I just am running late and must be on my way, didn't think I had time to return the compliment. Oh, sorry, I had no idea you were running late.
Thank you for letting me know. It is truly useful to communicate complex thoughts to each other, so that I may better understand your perspective, and not just assume you're some stupid anonymous asshole behind the tinted windows of your metal horse's carriage. What a clever species we are. Anyway, have a great day, you too, beep beep, beep beep. Hi, thanks for watching that video.
Please don't subscribe, because apparently, if we get too many subscribers, I have to take my shirt off. I thought it was a joke, but apparently, they're completely serious. Take off your shirt, sword. I don't, I don't wanna take my shirt off. Take off your shirt, you show it. I don't, I'm a human being. We need the numbers, you show them that, you take off that shirt.
Yeah. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Demand_A_Suss_Resignation_Gladys_Hits_The_Town_More_October_8 | You're listening to The Batooter Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Weekly Batooter Bulletin, hope you're enjoying yourselves right around the country. You're joined by myself Clancy Overall, The Batooter Advocate, Edward Large, Errol Parker's here as well.
G'day Errol. G'day Clancy, how are you going mate? I'm alright.
Fucking the young fella went and stopped breathing in the microphone like that I don't know what's going on mate. It's a loud sound. Yeah. Sorry I'm congested nasally so unfortunately it's coming out. You're breathing like Gina Rinehart at a bloody clean energy concert. You're breathing like you've been on a Melbourne bloody storm mad Monday. Anyway, New South Wales.
We are excited for you lot opening up, Monday I believe is your freedom day you'll be able to go. You can't call it a freedom day because the newspapers down there have said that you know if things kick off again the religious man who's overthrown Gladys down there will shut them right back down.
Doesn't really sound like something he's keen on doing old perotay but you know I have heard rumors through the press gallery down there that there's a conspiracy that he may be a French sleeper cell who's going to make life hard for the Prime Minister he would check out with the name Dominic Perotay. He's made life hard for him stealing his thunder this week of course announcing that opening back up so that's probably a pretty good point for us to start this weekly news wrap we've got a story about Scott Morrison he's had to find something else to get his teeth into and he's come out and demanded that social media companies leave the misinformation to the deranged boomers at News Corp. Yes with the new Premier of New South Wales stealing his thunder as you mentioned before Wendell Scott he's been forced to try and snag himself a headline on some other issue that can make him look like a hero so he's decided to lean into the issue of defamation on social media calling it a cowards palace during a very shouty press conference a couple days ago. Cowards Palace I think you know it's basically what you could call the the Sharks home ground after this year's performance but as the debate rages though about whether the likes of Facebook and Twitter should be classified as publishers in regards to defamation Scott Morrison has weighed in he explained that misinformation online is a curse and that the only people allowed to spread it should be you know his allies at News Corp like Andrew Bolt, Miranda Devine and so on. Yeah you know misinformation about the personal lives of conservative politicians is not okay but labour tax, labour debt tax that was a good one.
Climate change. Climate is always changing, personal favourite of mine in the News Corp rags and of course you know the relentless backgrounding of you know sexual assault survivors and you know and how George Christensen would disappear into the slums of...
Taking it right back to the start of the week and we've got a story from down there in New South Wales it's about John Barrallaro and the headline on it read like this resigning for absolutely no reason at all actually more sus than resigning for corruption. Yes the tale of John Barrallaro took another turn this week the political climber and ambitious backroom operator has decided to resign from the New South Wales Parliament and stand down as the New South Wales deputy premier claiming he'd just had enough of politics. Not exactly believable for a bloke seemingly on the rise which is why it was revealed that him calling time is probably fishier than Gladys actually resigning for actual allegations of corruption unless there's something coming up that we don't know, who knows?
Something to keep an eye on for sure. On Gladys she's had to cram her 117 different workplaces into a local Vinny's bin before heading out on a picnic. Yes in this newspaper's latest attempt to humanise corruption hot mess Gladys is coming to terms with her new reality. Before getting set for her ICAC hearings this week Berra Jickland decided to do something symbolic. She packed up a bunch of her different blazes and chucked them into some garbage bags and drove them up the road. Yeah she did donate them to a local charity which is a nice thing to do hopefully someone else can get some use out of them even if they won't be subject to a lot of attention from online gamblers. Anyway after that she ducked off to the park to enjoy a few takeaways, I believe it was the Guava Cruiser Strapitos with some girlfriends.
Enough in Sydney we're back up into Batuta and a man watching Squid Game has revealed that he wishes it was real and the people being killed were D-list celebrities. Yes with Australia still well and truly trapped within our golden age of low effort reality television, one local man decided to dive head on to the new Korean TV show Squid Game. It's taken the world by storm this show, apparently it's going to be the most viewed on Netflix of all time as you've probably heard. And the local man we spoke to about it said he really enjoyed it but he has proposed a new format, one where it's kind of like a real life squid game but with Aussie social climbers and influencers and the like you know.
Getting shot here aren't? Well yeah you know I mean like one other way you could do it is you could drop a J-dam onto the big brother house and have them blown all over Dreamworld and the people who actually survived the initial impact you could have kind of like a star sieve from channel 10 walk around and just put one in the back of their heads as they're lying on the ground smoldering. It'd have to be a bit later on I think, couldn't be in that kind of time plot. I think that'd be in season 2 yeah. Big brother after dark kind of turkey slap kind of stuff here. Yeah yeah fair.
Sports news to wrap up and Brian Toto has played 80 minutes of football with an engagement ring in his jocks. Yes one of the young whassos from the foot of the mountains got it done on Sunday night and in another twist to the Penrith Fairytale it seems that the Panthers winger Brian Toto actually played for 80 minutes with a 10 by 5 centimetre suede ring box in his underpants. Yes the man they call Bizzah decided to take in the minutes after the full time siren proposing to his girlfriend after winning a premiership and he spoke to us after the proposal. Toto explained that he was pretty chafed after playing 80 minutes of footy with an engagement ring and the box in his jacks.
Well he gets a ring, she gets a ring, it was a very happy ending. And a happy ending to our weekly bulletin, thanks for your company and we'll talk to you again soon.
Ciao. |
dropout | guy_gives_100_to_a_homeless_person_and_ | Hi, I'm Paul Adiero, and this is Man of the Streets. Today, we're changing someone's life. That someone is a homeless person, and we're giving them $100 of my own money to make their day. Let's go find our homeless person. Nope, definitely not homeless. Not homeless. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Homeless person.
How are you, sir? I'm good. How's it going today?
Can you help me out? Yeah, actually, I can. I have $100 here for you. Thank you so much. That's just what I do. I'm Paul Adiero, and I'm the man of the streets. Wow. So, sir, what are you going to do with the money? I mean, I could buy a lot of heroin with this. What was that? I could buy a lot of heroin with this. I could...
Nope. I actually know a guy who will do deals if you have this much. Nope. Okay, cool. I'm going to need that back. Yeah, this is enough to do a bulk purchase. No, we're not going to do... We're not going to... I might even be able to start selling. Cool. I'm going to need the money back, actually. No, no, no. You've changed my life so much. Are you a heroin addict, sir? No.
Actually, I've never tried it before. You've never done heroin before? No, but I've never had this much disposable income before, so I figured now I might as well try it. And I've heard heroin is great, man. Have you ever heard about it? Have I ever heard of heroin? Do you ever go on the blogs and check out what people say about it? No, I've never gone on the heroin labs.
They say it's like the best experience you could ever have, man. One guy said he thought God was sucking...
Is that not something you would want? No, I don't want that at all. That is something that I would want.
If I can get it, come with me. I'm going to find a police officer. Oh, good luck. I'm going to find a police officer.
There's no cops in this park. There's no one park in New York City we come to. There's no cops.
Let's go find someone else, all right? That was a big waste of time.
At Man in the Streets, we're about helping people, okay? We're about kindness. We're about changing the world, making the world a better place.
Son of a... What? What are you doing, guy? What are you doing?
I just gave you $100.
I know, man. I'm sorry. Look, I really screwed up. And if you could just help me out with a little bit more...
You're not going to do heroin? I'm ready to turn my life around. You're not going to do heroin? I'm just... I'm ready to turn my life around.
Can you just... It's fine. That was a little bit more. Yeah. Here's another $100, okay? Be careful with this, please.
You are a hero. Thank you. You are a hero and an idiot. Because my boy Fat Rick told me he could get me the extra discount if I had $200. Thank you! |
SaturdayNightLive | jarret_s_room_2_saturday_night_live | Hey dudes, if you're logging on for the first time, my name is Jarrett. I've been a junior here for the past two years at Hampshire College, or as I like to call it, Hampshire College. I live in the third floor of Lima Hall in a sweet three-man overlooking the Quad, and I do this webcast every 24-7, 365. the only time you don't get to see me is when I come out of the shower, and the other day when I watch the movie step Mom and started to cry. My first guest today is my good bud. I met him four years ago when he was a sophomore, and he's still a sophomore. I think he's like 35 or something. Please welcome my roommate and my homie, Goby.
Tension Earthlings, take me to your dealer. What's up, Ro, Ro? hey Jarrett, man, is it true? fish break up. Dude, you've asked me that question every day for the past month. I told you that you're just not gonna tour for a while. Oh man, I can't believe it. Hey man, check out my new t-shirt. Funkin'. Go nuts.
Do you get it? Yeah, I get it. No, I don't think you get it.
Funkin'. Go nuts. Yeah, yeah, Dunkin' Donuts, Funkin'. Go nuts, I get it. Dunkin' Donuts. that works on two levels.
Anyway, Goby's here to show us how to make a hacky sack out of a bandana and some M&ms. Dude, are you burnt right now? No, yes. Tell your friend you haven't left your room in like a week. you're not gonna show us how to make a hacking sack, are you? no. hey, can I crash here? Yeah, go ahead, I don't care. whoa, man, I'm gonna lay down. it's time to go on with the show. Anyway, oh, my roommate Goby. now's the time, It's my favorite part of the show. this is the part I like to call what Jared's into this week. this week, I'm all about the Midnight Tokers. they're the Steve Miller cover band. Last week, Goby and I camped out for tickets. check out these pictures, dudes. we decided that we were gonna start a drum circle and drum all night. this guy decided we weren't. we agreed to disagree. Oh, this is Goby's dog. he named it the basis from fish. we got it baked, it was hilarious. Oh, man, I don't remember that happening. Anyway, it was corduroy, Check it out. My next guest was my Ra last year. she's my girl this year. she busted me for cooking trisket pizzas on my Halogen lamp. she was kind of mad at first, but then we spent a romantic evening together watching Deuce Bigelow and doing a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. after that, we totally hooked up, And then we vomited, And then we hooked up again. And then we vomited.
Please welcome my girl, Jenna. Hey, Jenna. what's up, guys?
I'm still doing this webcast thing. yeah, can I have a camera? Oh, you mean people can see me now? Yeah. yeah, but I should show my new piercing.
Oh, my God! you shouldn't show anyone that. God! Oh, nobody's gonna see it. the only people that are gonna watch this thing are you and goby. that's not true. I got fans all over the world, I'm international. you got like one email from some weird dude in Iceland. Ah, yeah, shout out to Yeaorg. you're so lame, Jar. what's your prop, Jan? you're my prop, don't be ridiculous. what ifs? never ask any tea with me anymore. unabbreviate that. never spend any time with me anymore. Oh, I'm so sorry, I apologize. Jar, would you please keep it down? some of us would like to graduate. those of you who are familiar with that weird voice, it belongs to my roommate, Daniel. he's a floater. he's always going to class and stuff. a couple of days ago, while he was sleeping, Goby shaved off his pubes and glued them to his face. Another thing, I said that Vcr to court Quantum Leap last night, Who touched it? Hey, Daniel, like, what happened to your beard? shut up, Freak show. Narc. hey, Jar? yeah? remember when we went snowboarding last week at Killington?
Yeah, it was rad. Remember I did that sweet rodeo flip? I pulled it, it was inverted, and everyone was like all clapping and stuff. No, like you were on the bunny slope and you were like crying and everyone was like helping you to the infirmary.
My snot froze in both my nostrils. what'd you want me to do? I couldn't breathe.
Well, it was like embarrassing, and I don't think we should like hang out anymore. I'm not embarrassing all the time. I cooked you a gourmet dinner. yeah, you made me like ramen noodles on the radiator. what are you, what are you trying to say? I'm saying we're like breaking up. that's cool. and not like Ben and Gwyneth when we still have sex sometimes. this is for like real.
Well, I can't believe it, that sucks. we're breaking up. well, fish broke up. No, dude, go back. this is awful. Lates, Jar. Can't believe this is the fourth time girls breaking up with me has been broadcast over the internet. Hey, dude, let's go to Drum Circle. All right, all right, tune in tomorrow. my guest will be my roommate, Gobi, and Steve the janitor, who kind of looks like Jerry Garcia a little bit. this is Jarret, logging off, Lates. |
dropout | U2_Gets_Me_Too_d_At_a_Scooby_Doo_Read_Through_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the only news show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Children's Oncology Department. And I'm Omar GameCube. Tonight's top story, you two need 2D at a Scooby-Doo read through.
After 30 years posing as an Irish rock band Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton and that other guy have been exposed as a vengeful bed and breakfast owner who told authorities. And I would have gotten it away with it too if it weren't for my life.
And now for a little segment called Roger's Rants where our sportscaster and local man about town Roger Foosballs gives us all you viewers a little piece of his mind. Let snakes be socks! I want to stomp my hooves into some serpents and clop around the town square. Hiss, hiss go my tootsies. Oh, ah, goes the people admiring my kick-ass new socks. Thanks Roger.
In ongoing coverage, the city's sanitation department is still struggling to find the source of infestation in the city's water supply. As fishes with human mouths have been turning up in people's sinks and toilets screaming, please kill me, oh God, please kill me. The government puts chemicals in your water to control your mind. For now, the head of sanitation department is recommending people ignore the fishes please for death by either flushing them or sauteeing them with a dash of paprika and pepper for a sewer fish dinner.
Yum, we got a couple of those in our toilet and I make my kids cook them up for me in a big fat stew. Those used to be my kids. Oh, not this again. They liked it at my house better because I gave them jobs with wages, cleaning my kitchen and licking my windows. So now they are my beautiful son and two daughters. I miss them every day.
Hey Roger, you got another rant for us, big boy? If you're a baby, don't sneak up on me. You aren't quite human and that spooks me. I might think you're a big mouse or a loud spider that moves weird and try to stomp on you. Then my sister will be mad at me all over again for stomping on her big spider baby. Oh boy, got to agree with him there. You can't walk, you can't talk, you can't gobble down ass like it's Thanksgiving. Stay the hell away from me.
Hey Roger, finish up those rants. Grand Theft Auto should be a Broadway musical. Back to you, children's oncology department. Thanks, Rog. That's a terrible take and I disrespectfully disagree with you.
It made me feel nothing. I am hollow without my kids.
We now go to our Metro Reporter, Theresa, my pizza, for the latest in local news. Thanks Omar, I'm at the county fairgrounds where some unfortunate setbacks have befallen the fair before its opening.
A black bear escaped its cage and ate the bearded lady. You heard me, Bilbo Bearby. Whew! The beloved black bear bit the bearded belladonna into bits, belching boisterously. Afterwards, the bear put on its tiny bear jacket and bear blanket got on its unicycle and rode off into the sunset. The fair is devastated over its loss. We'll miss that bearded lady.
No, I don't want to say that. Go ahead, please do, please. No, it's rude.
The bear is the loss. Bilbo Bearbeard is his name and he's everyone's favorite bear. He's got a big, big mouth and even bigger bear balls. When he scoots around on his little bear scooter, I just want to scoot my boot until it's raw. Sometimes they let you watch as they feed him fish and then he is a big yum yum in the tum tum.
Boy, I am devastated. Back to you. Thanks, Teresa. I'm berry sad for your loss. Quickly, before we wrap up, you hate to see it and we hate to do it, but we have to issue a correction on last week's reporting.
Other than that correction, please remember that the news is always good and right. Just like my dude, my king, my gap-toothed god, Michael Strahan. We'll close with a bit of personal news.
This week's loser is Cameron. What a dummy. Thanks for watching. That's harsh.
Besides, just the teleprompter tells me to say it. It's fine. I will read it. Whatever Brennan doesn't read, I'll read it. I mean, Brennan didn't say bitch, but we'll say dummy, I guess. That's because I have personal standards that I adhere to. What is this? I'm not on fucking trial. |
dropout | the_girl_who_makes_every_disaster_about_her | I'm telling you, in 2016, sloths are over. It's all about capybaris. No, no, I still think sloths are funny.
Oh, my God. A train just crashed near Paris. 35 people died. Oh, my God.
I was just in Paris, like, two days ago. That is crazy. It could have been me. That is crazy, Sophia.
Are you okay? You're fine.
You weren't there, and even if you were, nothing probably would have happened to you. Yeah, but it's such a close call. I just, I don't even... Totally trapped. I mean, it could have been her.
I'm so glad you're alive. Thank you.
Oh, my God. I'm going to post something on Facebook about it. I could be literally dead right now. Oh, no. There was another mass shooting. Where? Arizona. Oh, my God. My ex is from Arizona. I was there, like, literally two Christmases ago, but for the grace of God go I. You know what I mean? Wow, yeah.
Here's a picture of me there. I'm going to post it, just like in solidarity. Okay, no. Look, you're trying to make yourself seem more connected to this than you actually are. Trap. She was there two years ago. She has a picture.
Just we Arizona. It doesn't mean anything.
Oh, my God. I'm going to hashtag it that. Oh, no. Oh, my God.
What? Robin Williams died. Oh, no. Yeah, like two years ago. Well, some of us are just finding out about it. Robin and I were literally so close. Oh, you were?
I once saw the back of his head at a Denny's in Iowa. I mean, I think it was him. It could have been a vagrant who loved pancakes. That's your only connection? Is that you think you maybe saw him or a hobo once in a Denny's?
How did you already change your profile picture? He was so important to me, both as an artist and as a human artist. I totally get it.
Bangerang. Banger what?
No, you don't get to be sadder about this than everyone else here. You always do this. Pull off colors I shouldn't be able to pull off. No, you make disasters about you when they super aren't. No, I don't.
You remember that earthquake in San Francisco? That was only 381 miles from my house. In 1912. Somebody is looking out for me clearly. You remember that building that blew up in Milan?
I've been in so many buildings. We've all been in buildings. I'm in a building right now. We all are.
Can we just start off this day again? I'm just like, I can't even. No, no, no. You don't have any greater connection to this than anyone else here.
But I'm the protagonist. Of what? The protagonist of what? My life.
And what do you think we do when you're not around? Oh, you just like hang out and wait for me together.
No, try again. No. Sea Story? No. It's not about you.
I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I think Trapp is right. Wow, I've never met a group of people who were so wrong about a thing ever in my life.
I'm calling my shaman. I can't believe Sophia would behave that way. I guess she's just a little self-centered. To me. Yeah, it feels like a personal attack on me personally.
No, it's not. It's not about you.
We blew up that train in Paris and Sophia wasn't even there. I'm sorry, master. She was there literally two days ago. I'll get you, protagonist. If it's the last thing I do. |
cracked | the_insane_full_house_theory_that_might_be_true | As you binge watch every season of Full House to get pumped up for the upcoming holy sh** third season of Fuller House in which all your unanswered questions about the Tanner family will be addressed you may notice something odd about the sitcom's premise. The show follows the recently widowed Danny Tanner who in order to raise his three daughters enlists the help of his brother-in-law Jesse and some f***ing guy he went to school with.
As you look at that photo two things may become clear three if you count John Stamos is probably a vampire. First that Danny Tanner has dark hair and second that all of his children are blonde. Who was the only other blonde person in that photo?
Uncle Joey. Now helping out a friend for a few weeks after his wife passed away is a cool thing to do but Joey moves into the Tanner house and lives there for eight freaking years. Who the hell does that? According to an elaborate theory by Wolf Nards Joey has a deeper reason for staying. He was having an affair with Danny Tanner's dead wife and those three little girls are actually his children.
Here's why it's not that crazy. Let's look at the facts.
Danny has dark hair. His dead wife Pam appears once in the show not as a zombie but on an old home movie where we see that she's a blonde with dark colored eyes. A child with one blonde parent and one brunette parent has a 50% chance of being blonde but the chances of all three Tanner children having blonde hair is only 12.5%.
Enter blonde haired Joey Gladstone. Joey's decision to completely rearrange his life in order to help raise his fifth grade classmate's children makes a lot more sense if those children were secretly his. Joey didn't stop there either. Jesse and his wife Rebecca both of whom are dark-haired have twin boys that inexplicably come out looking like little Joey Gladstones.
That's some Game of Thrones level sh** going on in Full House is what I'm saying. |
SaturdayNightLive | cowards_saturday_night_live | Chris, Chris, what are you doing back here in the makeup room? you're supposed to be on stage for the Army Sketch. what's wrong? I don't know, Steve. I think it's nerves. nerves?
Oh, you know what you are? you're nothing but a coward! It's Chris Farley. he's nothing but a damn coward. he's not fit to wear that fake army costume he's got on. I will not have brave cast members going out there with nothing but a prop and some bad material. Well, this coward sits here safe. you're being a little rough on him, don't you think? rough on him? Well, you're nothing but a coward!
Hey Steve, Steve, how's it going?
You know what you are? you're a coward! Well, hey Steve, you think we could run some lines? you're just a coward too! Not a coward? not a coward? coward! Not a coward? nice dress? Coward! Not a coward? a big stinking coward!
Steve! Steve, listen. you've got to stop this. What are you doing? take your hands off me, Mister! Steve, you asked for this. Thanks, Phil.
I don't know what got into me.
Yes, I do. you're nothing but a coward! Coward! Not a coward? Coward! Big stinking coward? Coward! |
TheOnion | Tim_Tebow_Becomes_First_Bad_Quarterback_To_Lead_4th_Quarter_Comeback | Get out of my face because it's haunted, I'm Kenny Kennedy. And I'm Doug Brooks dressed as Kenny Kennedy for Halloween.
Boo. You look nothing like me. Where's your costume? That's just a grease stained sweatshirt. I'm dressed as Bill Belichick. That's not true. You wore that yesterday.
The New Orleans Saints just scored another touchdown giving them a 376 to 7 lead over the Colts. It's a bad thing for a sports commentator to say, but I can't follow a football game that goes over 36 hours. I hate it when you say anything, alright? Look alive you terrible ghosts. It's the face-off.
Big story this week is Tim Tebow notching his first win as a starter becoming the first bad quarterback in history to lead his team to a comeback victory. The fact that he did it in his very first horrendous start is what makes it impressive. I didn't think he was that kind of terrible player. Come on, Doc. He's a bad flash in the pan. We shouldn't be treating him like he's the all-time worst greatest. I have no quality in someone terrible when I see it. I predicted Trent Dilfer would not die in a gutter. You're worse than Tebow.
Shut up. I'm dressed up as you so you just told yourself to shut up. Oh, stop that. I know you're not me, but it's still very confusing.
Giants hosting Miami this week and Eli Manning says he's unsure if he can bring himself to play in the game after befriending a real-life dolphin. Eli says he met Phineas during the Giants' bye week and the two became fast friends. Manning eventually promised he would never let harm befall Phineas or any of his fellow dolphins which includes the Miami Dolphins. This is how it starts for Eli. First he's friends with a dolphin, then he's sad because he can't be his dolphin. This team has been down this road with these heads before. Eli will forget to feed Phineas and he'll die just like Melvin the hermit crab and Larry the iguana. NFL quarterbacks shouldn't have friendships. Aikman was great that way.
NBA lockout looking like it's here to stay. Players are doing what they can to stay active including Clippers star Blake Griffin who announced today that he is taking to dunking whatever he can find around his house. Grags in the bleach buckets, expensive jewelry and class faces. The guy is bored. He's dunking everything. He could be raking it in overseas, dunking croissants and rushing nesting dolls into bidets.
Call me a purist but you don't have to dunk ham onto a sandwich. A simple finger roll gets the slice onto the bread every time I question. Oh I'm a disgusting inbred mick, I'm going to die of liver cancer. And you're going to look great doing it Kenny.
That's it for a very spooky face off. One more update, looks like the Saints stacked on another field goal as time expires. 484 to 7, New Orleans. That does it for the third quarter, keep it here, we'll let you know when the Saints hit quadruple digits. I think it would be cooler for football to get a thousand points. Shut up. |
dropout | For_the_Last_Time_This_Temple_Is_Not_a_Restaurant | I want to eat the food. I want to eat the food I want to eat. I want to live in a human being. I don't want to be a human being. I want to eat the food I want to eat.
Park Jang Mi will tell you that she's not a chef, Her food screams, Pak Shan Mee is a chef. She is the best chef in the world.
I don't know if it's like people come here. Oh my god, get with this, get with this. Oh, hi, the Buddha. Excuse me. Ooh, little Buddha date. Excuse me, no picture, please. Oh, she is so cute. Okay, wait. Oh, I love that one. Hi, hello. Look at this one. Oh my god, I love the pink one. I know that makes me basic, but I don't even give a... Will you get a picture of me like that? Okay, oh my god.
If I fall, then I'll kill myself. I will kill myself.
Excuse me. Let me see. But let me see. Okay, excuse me. Excuse me. Selfie time. Say twinsies.
Pick a garbage, please. Oh, pick up garbage, please. I get it. I'm carrying garbage with me wherever I go, and I need to take care of my garbage in order to live freely and presently. No, I mean this garbage.
I'm in South Korea. Yeah, it's great. Too loud. Our emotions are too loud inside of us. We have to quiet them down. I get it. Ma, Ma, did you hear that? I'm getting so much enlightenment. No, no, you're talking too loud.
No, pick a flower. Oh, right. I can't pick the flowers. The flowers have to pick themselves. Just like how I need to pick my own self up and ask my boss for a raise. Oh, my gosh. Guys.
I hope you enjoyed this episode. That's it for this episode preview. To watch the full episode, go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
Why? Where? How? When? Now.
She said, what if soup was hard? What if salad was loud? What if you got a bagel with cream cheese, but the cream cheese was the bagel and the bagel was the cream cheese? I mean, she really mixed up the adjectives you'd use to describe food. |
cracked | classic_video_game_premises_explained | Morning, brothers. Here's the skinny. Invaders are still making bread. I told you, man. Aliens, man. That's what they were.
A boy's in Namco workin' on a game that'll provide some real perspective on the inherent hypocrisy and tragedy of Vietnam. What's it called? Diggin' for truth? The man who dug his own grave.
Oh, no! Too political!
What else? A game where you fight monsters. And? You're a dinosaur. Dinosaurs fight monsters, I dig it, but it needs somethin'. Someone else's lessons are out. The dinosaurs blow bubbles, huh? That's how they fight! Sugar, baby. What's it called?
Bubble! No, bubble!
Both! Holy kittens, ride it. Next.
Okay, what if, like, you have a guitar? It's not like a real guitar. And you sound like Hendrix and Bowie!
Can someone please take McCory's blowaway? I think he's a loser.
You're a truck driver and you try to kill frogs across the road. No, you are the frog. You just blew my mind! Okay, he hops on alligators, he eats flies, and he makes it with lady frogs.
Keep him coming, pussycats. What if there's, like, a big yellow circle? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Hey, can it, Sims? I seem to remember you pinching a little game about a giant space centipede and we let you talk. I want to hear where this is going.
Okay, so he lives in this maze, right, but it's not like a regular maze. It's like an infinite maze, okay? Okay, and there's, like, pills everywhere, and it's like a trippy freakout pill party, right? And this yellow fucker just, like, eats everything in the maze!
Everything, like what? I don't know, like, fruit and ghosts.
Get off my back, man! I dig it.
In fact, make the bubble bubble guys eat fruit. No, you know what? Everyone eats fruit. Fruit for points. I'm digging a fruit, I'm starving, I want a fruit snack pack, man.
Pack man, that's it, that's the fucking thing, right? He's gonna like it, miss pack man.
He's speaking in tongues. Galicia, Gallica. I can't hide! Those aren't tongues, you idiot, those are titles!
Good work, Cooper! Everyone could learn from him. Acid tabs all around. Good job. Show me what you got so far. Looks good. All right, take Macquarie and Cooper into the cool-down room, give them some juice boxes.
Not cheap. Don't fall apart on me now, people. Sports, let's have it. Tecmo Bowl. What is it? I don't know, it just felt right. Ice Climbing! Bricks falling in Soviet Russia. Oh, sport. Wait, scratch that, it's gold. I saw this thing on a travelogue once where these guys were fighting over pits of lava on these flying ostriches for golden eggs. Wait, no, that was a dream. It's in production. Three more and we're solid. A guy drops bombs looking for boots and roller skates. And fruit? Yes! You're a marble, you roll around. Hey, every pitchless needs a weak one, ride it.
Fuck, she's not even here, is she? Blitz out of my corner. I didn't do.
What is that? What the fuck is that? It's Kuberman, this guy just hopped in.
No, don't say anything. You'll just ruin it.
Brothers and sisters, I suggest you invest in some lead underwear, because our asses are about to be gold-plated. Good work today. Leave your suits and group sex at my place in ten. I got the orange fresco and liquor main. I'll get my BG records. But when he eats the cherries, the ghosts turn last. Hey boss, you coming? I'll catch ya. |
dropout | all_nighter_first_aid | College Hebrews is all-nighter! Bring it in! Bring it!
I am your first aid instructor. I've been in several hundred violent accidents in the past year alone, so I am very qualified.
Two questions. Weren't you our fire marshal and didn't you die? Questions at the end.
Now in the event, someone is choking like a volunteer here. What you're going to want to do is explain to him the concept of chewing. Use your tea. Nom nom nom, your tea. Break up the food into tiny little pieces and then swallow, genius. Shouldn't you do the homework whenever? Hug a cold worker from behind. We've got to rape this to you, ladies. You've got a headache. You're feeling feverish. Take some medicine from the box here. Eat as many as you want, as often as you want. It's medicine. You can never have too much of a good thing.
Questions at the end. Now does anybody know what CPR stands for? It's all right. Nobody does. To perform CPR, you want to replace the bad air in their mouth with the good air from yours. Wait, sorry, you're not actually... No.
Then hold it in. Nice and tight. Keep that good air in. Keep it in.
Now in the event of an emergency, who do you call? 911. 911 is operated by strangers. You're going to call your dad. He'll know what to do. If your dad's not home, you can call your Uncle John. If he's at bed again and doesn't pick up his phone, call your Aunt Jeannie.
She usually keeps it on. If you begin to feel some tightness in your chest, some numbness at the left side of your body, start doing strenuous physical activity, get the heart rate up, get the blood pumping. You smell toast. Look around. Maybe somebody's making toast. I don't know. I can't tell you how many times I've smelled a food and found out someone was making it nearby. It's a good trick. I love it. To check for a pulse, put your hand around the neck and get a nice, tight grip.
Uh, I don't know. Tripping? Wrong!
It's cutting your head off in the paper slicer. When using the paper slicer, be absolutely sure that your head is not underneath. To do this, get your face up real close to the blade to make sure your head's not in there. And that concludes today's safety demonstration. However, I did cut off both my hands in the paper slicer, so if someone could call my dad...
Aunt Jeannie, put Uncle John on the phone. I don't care if he's in the bathroom sliding out of the door! My arms! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_08_6_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic. So talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today. Tease and Seize Apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
Beginning with national news this week and somehow Barnaby's tell-all interview about how he rooted an employee has failed to repair his reputation and his career. In a shocking twist, Barnaby Joyce's political career is still in tatters, even after telling the entire country the intricate details behind his sexual affair with a much younger staffer who he actually ended up impregnating. In the interview that literally everyone told him was a bad idea, the former Deputy Prime Minister revealed that he knew he'd impregnated his staffer in mid-2017, around the same time as his citizenship drama, but that he went on to fight a by-election without revealing his personal situation anyway. I suppose I was living a lie, Joyce conceded at the end of his $150,000 interview this week. Peter Downham from the Flight Path District texts Clancy, our editor this week, asking why Barnaby didn't blame the whole thing on Stillnocks or Ambien.
Elsewhere around the country, and our reporter spoke to a local dolphin this week, about the new range of reusable plastic bags that are set to be released. Our reporter's headed out to the Saltwater Boredrain to speak to Fred, the bottlenose dolphin, about his desire to try the new range of shopping bags. Fred said he's looking forward to having a different type of plastic bag drifting around his home, and he's curious as to what it will taste like. I am a bit sick of these single-use bags. I've been eating them for years. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy eating them as much as the next dolphin, but I've had enough to last me a lifetime. I'll be two in July, and that's basically all I've had to eat besides Yacht Barra and barbecue chicken.
And residents in Sydney's western suburbs have been treated to their very own Vivid Light Show this week, with an incredible display of bumper-to-bumper brake lights on the M4. Now in its ninth year, Vivid Sydney celebrates the technology and arts of the harbour city, with innovative and awe-inspiring installations designed to astonish the flocking crowds, and most importantly, not disturb the neighbours. In a festival first this year, a stunning lights display has been rolled out into the heart of Western Sydney, as weeknight commutes will now feature bumper-to-bumper brake lights glowing up and down the M4 from Ashfield to Penrith. New South Wales Premier Gladys Berejiklian said, the great thing about the light show is that it'll cost the people of Western Sydney absolutely nothing. Except for the cost of the new M4, that her government introduced for a road that had already been paid for. But apart from that, it's free!
In other news, a report has confirmed that there are at least 16 towns or cities around the country that believe they have a panther lurking in their shire. The report found that there must be at least 20 big cats stalking the countryside, with each supposed sighting somehow relating to a wild yarn about a big cat escaping from a traveling circus. One man from Cessnock who claims to have spotted a panther said this to the advocate, What does this fucking study even mean, huh? That towns like mine claim to have a panther? We have a fucking panther.
I've seen it with my own eyes. I'm sick of trying to convince people. He then pulled out a 2011 Hawaii T-Mobile prism and showed our reporters grainy photos of something that looked like a big dog amongst some long grass, and said, Look at these fucking photos. If you don't take these as proof, then there's no point in talking anymore. Our reporters told him they thought it was time to leave.
And back home in Batuda, there's some sad news this week, with a young woman literally dying after skipping her morning coffee. The 24-year-old public relations professional was discovered unresponsive by co-workers on Wednesday, and has tragically passed away in Royal Batuda Base Hospital this morning. Annie Narada of Batuda Hills was complaining of dizziness to her colleagues due to skipping her morning coffee after running late. The spokesman from the ambulance services said, Yet around 12.30 Eastern Time, ambulance crews were called to an address in the Old City District in response to a woman found unresponsive at her desk. The woman was transported to Royal Batuda Base Hospital in the French Quarter, where she tragically passed away some time ago.
Our thoughts are with her family at this time. That is all for now. Thank you. And in the sporting world, a Year 12 student has blown away his classmates this week with an inspiring rendition of Gus Gould's pre-game origin speech. 17-year-old Tony Martin from the Batuda Heights area performed the first run of his four-minute major work in front of the class on Wednesday, and drew a rapturous applause from all who looked upon it. Standing in front of a projector, playing a montage of iconic origin moments set to a Hans Zimmer score, he began with, It'll be violent, it'll be brutal. These players, these men, these warriors, they'll enter the courtroom tonight, and they'll fight for it all. We cringe at the cruelty, but it'll be compelling viewing. You won't be able to look away. He finished with, Enjoy your origin, folks, before dropping the microphone and walking off stage, as his classmates were reduced to tears. Anyway, that's it for the news rep this week. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. |
SaturdayNightLive | secret_word_peggy_zellers_saturday_night_live | You're watching the Game Show Network. at 10, it's verb hurdles. But first, secret Word. it's time to play the game. The Stars play. Secret word with your host, Lyle Round.
Hello! hello! I'm Lyle Round. my wife is in the hospital having her baby. good luck to you. So, why don't we meet our first guest. she's better known for her work on the Broadway stage. Please welcome Mindy Grayson. Oh, here I am. isn't it grand? Oh, well, thank you for being here, Mindy. you are looking ravishing, as always. Oh, do I? Well, I sleep with my face in mayonnaise. I guess it's working. Oh, right. our next guest is a hilarious comedian. Play The Concord Hotel and the Catskills. Please welcome Peggy Zillers. Yeah! well, I hope my face doesn't break the camera. what? ha! you are a living riot.
Oh, yeah. let's start the game. Mindy, you're up first. Are you ready? Lyle, as the great playwright Edward Albee, once said to me, oh, yeah. okay. try it from the audience in 10 seconds of the clock. the secret word is shrimp. You ready? Yes. hold my hand. look at me.
I'm only going to say this once, Shrimp. you just said the secret word, Mindy. I did, didn't I? I knew it as soon as I said shrimp. when I see text before me, I perform it. I'm an actress. this is my craft. it's what I do. it's my job to bring words to life. Who is this woman? who is this shrimp?
Okay, okay, okay. sit down. let's move over to Peggy's team. Yeah. the secret word is flat. Whoa, what? I can relate to that. Hello. nothing down there. I'll tell you what. I went for a breast exam and they brought out a floor waxer.
What? you're a great crowd. that never happened. What? time's running out. I went shopping for a brawn. asked, do you have anything for these? and the sales girl said, have you tried Claricil? what? because they're like pimples. you get it? did he win? Uh, no, Peggy, you didn't give any clues. Ah, you're full of bananas, you great crowd. you didn't. And I am not full of bananas. Well, no points on the board, and my eye's starting to twitch.
Uh, let's move back to Mindy. Yes, I am ready to be seen again. The secret word is Fringe. And remember, do Not say the secret word this time. Okay, you can count on me, Lyle. Ten seconds on the clock. Okay, wait, can we just stop the clock? No. I have one question about the rule. Mindy, we went over this. Okay, but am I allowed to just, am I allowed to say Fringe?
I really need to win some money here. my children have tuberculosis. oh, I know how that feels. I had the very same disease in a play, T.b.g.b.'s, where I played a flapper named Ginger who coughed her way right out of the chorus and into her grave. My best are the kids. I have T.b. too. tiny boobs saying what?
All right, back to you, Peggy. the secret word is Cook. Ah, this is funny, because I'm a terrible cook. I asked my husband, what do you want me to cook? and he looks at me with his boxer shorts on and he says, Cook, Cook, Cook. you burned sandwiches. What? Now we're cooking. Well, what's happening? Peggy, Peggy, you just said the word Cook like 50 times.
I played a cook in a little musical called Egg Drop Sue, the story of a little girl from the Orient named Chop Suzy, and this is her 11 o'clock number. Hit it. No, no. Chop Suzy and the Egg Roll Gang. everywhere we go, it's a Shanghai surprise.
Please stop. Stop?
Well, that's what the neighbors say when my husband and I make whoopee. Boy, are we verbal. I say please, and he says no. you've been a great girl. Oh, brother. we'll be right back after these messages. look at me.
Don't look at her. Look At her. come on.
Yeah! Three, Two, One. |
SaturdayNightLive | snipers_saturday_night_live | All right you pansies. You've trained ten weeks for this moment. You want to be snappers.
Yes, sir. You think you've got what it takes? Yes, sir. Hear this. You do Not fire your weapon until you hear me give the exact order. Human life is at stake and you need to be 100% certain before you pull that trigger. 100% Is that clear? Yes, sir.
Excuse me. What? Stand down both of you. Oh boy. Where you from Samson, Kansas City, Missouri, Sir, show me state, Huh? Oh, you better show me what you got and take the shot. Excuse me. Pay the shot. I'm sorry, Sir. can you clarify the order? I just want to make sure I'm hearing you right. But stand Down you.
What about you Hanley, do you want to be a sniper? Yes, I want to start my country sir. You ever sit alone in the dark and let your mind take control of your soul and try to play God.
I'm sorry. Yes. Oh, no, Hanley. Oh you God. I'll give you a hint. You are okay, Now Hanley, Take the shot. Excuse me, oh, I'm sorry. do you need me to enunciate? Yes, I do. sir.
Take the shot.
I mean, we can't understand your order sir. what the hell did you say to me? Nothing, sir, but it sound like you said something. I had no sir.
All right, but don't move. Okay, I gotta use the job. Okay.
Oh, he's saying take the shot right? I don't know why is he saying it like that?
I don't. I mean it must be some kind of test. Oh, false alarm. Okay. I have to go. I'm just lying on my bladder. Weird.
Okay, what I miss. didn't want to take the shot. No, sir. not to load it All right, What? All right, Hanley, I'm just gonna put my hand in the small of your back. May I ask why, sir?
No, you may not. But you know what you can do.
What's that, Sir? you can take the shot. Are you telling me to take the shot? I'm telling you to take the shot now. hold your fire and take the shot. Well, I should hold my fire. Or I should take the shot. hold your fire and take the shot.
Oh, man, this is messed up. they stand down not to load it. I locked it loaded sir.
Good God, you must be addicted. wait a minute. what are you doing? God, you must be addicted to doing squats.
Oh, excuse me, sir I said locked and loaded. Enemy targeted 75 meters. I have a lock. do you?
Yes, sir. are you sure? Yes, sir. the deed is sharp. I'll hold you fine. Are you. Are you ordering me to take the shot, sir? What part of whole You're fine. take the shot. don't you understand boy? All of it? all of it, sir. Oh, you're fine. take a shot. I should take the shot. Oh, you're fine.
Oops.
You told me to take the shot. No, I didn't. I told You to take the shot. it's military Slifer. stand down. But you are so sad. stand down.
Yeah, I'm inconsistent. What the hell was all your fire? I don't know with some voodoo chant. I learned in Honduras. you. |
cracked | dispatches_from_goddamn_space_episode_6_the_end_is_nigh | Type is to Mission Control. Do you copy? Mission Control, we have succeeded in our secret mission to find alien life. They have requested that we meet them on their home planet made entirely of water slides. But let's not tell the kids on Earth. This one's for us.
Is this the channel for Silverton Elementary School? I hear that place is full of kids. I've made a huge mistake! Hi kids!
How's life down there on rock number three? Of course, Earth, as I'm sure you know, is the third planet from the sun, which makes it just the right temperature to support life. Now, that might not sound special to you, but it's actually very rare to get the conditions exactly perfect. And in all the years, astronauts and scientists like myself have explored and studied space. We have yet to find one, just like it. You could say that Earth is a bit of a miracle. So next time you look up into the sky and you feel very, very small because of the big, big universe, remember that none of those stars, none of those planets are as special as Earth, because they don't have miracles like you. It always makes me feel better.
Excuse me a second. You have to stop, okay? I can't say it again. No, they don't want to see this.
Hi kids! Hey, Typhus was a Greek monster that killed many people. I'm okay. Everything's fine. There is no planet made of water slides. Okay, okay, Marcus, thank you, thank you.
Now, you might be thinking, oh yeah, sure, Abram, you say I'm special, but I'm just a regular old kid. Well, could a regular old kid see millions of years into the past? I don't think so. You have a superpower and you don't even realize it, because when you look up into the night sky, you're seeing back in time. Those stars are so far away that it takes trillions and trillions of miles over millions of years to reach it. So you see that million-year-old light now.
He's really dumbing it down. It's way more complex than that.
Okay, but if you were to transport yourself to one of those planets around one of those stars... And you had a powerful enough telescope, you could see yourself on Earth living your life now, there. And if you go even farther away, you could see the very first human life, and even farther, the very first living creature. That's pretty exciting, right?
You'd have to leave your mom and dad for a very long time. It'd be sad, unless you want to leave. If any of you are being abused at home, tell an adult.
Okay, and now your science unit on the universe is coming to an end, but all things end, and that's good. That means that you're freeing yourself up for new things that you can love just as much. And it means we're coming to visit you. No, no, it doesn't. This mission is also over. I've plotted a course for your school. We're gonna land in your playground. No, no, we are going to land in the ocean. I just want to say that it has been truly an honor spending time with you amazing superhero-y kids, however brief that time has been. Tell your teachers that we're coming to visit. Clear your afternoon in two days. And if any of you want to become an astronaut, I hope to meet you one day, and I'll explain some things to you. But until then, this is payload specialist, Abram, saying, catch you later on that miracle rock, you superheroes. And mission specialist, Marcus, dropping by for a visit. I'm bringing rocks. Cool.
Okay, guys, a while I told you that if you really wanted to marry me, like a lot of you have claimed, then to man up to offer me a firm proposal and an offer that I can or cannot refuse. No one's done it yet, and I'm just wondering if it was something that I did. I don't know, I don't know if there's something else that you want from me to get these proposals coming, but I'm funny, I'm great around the house, I have a cat, so if you want to marry me, Katie Stoll, please, please, please submit your proposals online and subscribe. But most importantly, you must subscribe. Please? Aah!
Of course, Earth, as I'm sure you know, is the third planet from the sun, which makes it just the right temperature to support life. Now, that might not sound special to you, but it's actually very rare to get the conditions exactly perfect. And in all the years, astronauts and scientists like myself have explored and studied space. We have yet to find one, just like it. You could say that Earth is a bit of a miracle. So next time you look up into the sky and you feel very, very small because of the big, big universe, remember that none of those stars, none of those planets are as special as Earth, because they don't have miracles like you. It always makes me feel better.
Excuse me a second. You have to stop, okay, I can't say it again.
They want to see me, they want to see me. No, they don't want to see me.
Hello, hi, hi, hi kids. Hey, Typhus was a Greek monster that killed many people. Why would you do that? I'm okay, everything's fine. There is no planet made of water slides. Okay, okay, Marcus, thank you, thank you.
Now, you might be thinking, oh yeah, sure, Abram, you say I'm special, but I'm just a regular old kid. Well, could a regular old kid see millions of years into the past? I don't think so. You have a superpower and you don't even realize it because when you look up into the night sky, you're seeing back in time. Those stars are so far away that it takes trillions and trillions of miles over millions of years to reach it. So you see that million year old light now.
He's really dumbing it down. It's way more complex than that.
Okay, but if you were to transport yourself to one of those planets around one of those stars. Go ahead, too far. And you had a powerful enough telescope, you could see yourself on Earth living your life now there. And if you go even farther away, you could see the very first human life, and even farther, the very first living creature. That's pretty exciting, right?
You'd have to leave your mom and dad for a very long time. You'd be sad unless you want to leave. If any of you are being abused at home, tell an adult.
Okay, now your science unit on the universe is coming to an end, but all things end, and that's good. That means that you're freeing yourself up for new things that you can love just as much. And it means we're coming to visit you. No, no, it doesn't. This mission is also over. I've plotted a course for your school. We're going to land in your playground. No, no, we are going to land in the ocean. I just want to say that it has been truly an honor spending time with you amazing superhero-y kids, however brief that time has been. Tell your teachers they were coming to visit. Clear your afternoon in two days. And if any of you want to become an astronaut, I hope to meet you one day, and I'll explain some things to you. But until then, this is payload specialist Abram saying, catch you later on that miracle rock, you superheroes. And mission specialist Marcus dropping by for a visit. I'm bringing rocks. Cool.
Okay, guys, a while ago, I told you that if you really wanted to marry me, like a lot of you have claimed, then to man up to offer me a firm proposal and an offer that I can or cannot refuse. No one's done it yet. And I'm just wondering if it was something that I did. I don't know. I don't know if there's something else that you want from me to get these proposals coming.
But I'm funny. I'm great around the house. I have a cat. |
cracked | the_6_weirdest_fan_tributes_to_mario_brothers_cracked_tv | Hey, everybody! Welcome to episode 9 of Crack TV, sponsored by the Wisconsin Association of Inuit Mechanics. They're a small group, but we appreciate the support. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Women I Find Sexually Intimidating.
Wow, you look really nice today, Clippy. You look cute in a teddy.
Since his invention, Mario has changed his professions, his dimensions, made friends of enemies and broken the Nintendo Sega barrier. And, along the way, he collected enough coins to make Nintendo richer than oil tycoon Jesus. But of all the strange things Nintendo's forced Mario to do for money, none of them hold a candle to the twisted machinations of his fans.
When Mario finally dies in a horrific karting accident, there's no question as to what song will be played at his funeral. The only question is, on what instrument? A fitting tribute to the world's fattest Olympian.
There's nothing particularly weird about mastering a game so thoroughly that it becomes an extension of your own thoughts. Well, if you're Japanese, anyway. But when someone utterly destroys a Mario Brothers game, how do their friends respond? With a mod of the game politely referred to as the Kaizo hack, an impolitely referred to as dude, why are you such an asshole?
Watch as Mario must descend to the bottom ring of a hell populated only by spiked turtles, football guys, and horror. To make matters even more surreal, here's a video that superimposes 134 attempts at beating that level. Jesus, they're going down like cheap hookers. It's like if a quantum wave function put on coveralls. All I can say is the princess better be at the goddamn castle. And now, for the complete opposite of that, here's a Mario game where you win by not pressing any buttons whatsoever.
You know, at first, I didn't really see the point of this. But that's before I saw it synced up to Japanese synth pop. Oh, now I get it.
These people are insane. Sick of watching Mario clips yet? Let's detox with some wicked Halo footage. That's right, you can't escape.
Apparently, Mario appearing in every Nintendo game ever made and teaching us to type isn't enough. The obese plumber has to stick his sausage-like fingers into every digital pie I'm asking for. Mmm, digital pie.
Also an excellent Proud Rock band name, by the way. The only thing Mario hasn't yet invaded is the real world. So let's get on with it. You're probably aware of the Mario Brothers movie that turned goombas into guys with tiny heads and scarred every child in attendance. You may even have seen the Mario Brothers Super Show that stayed on the cutting edge of 80s pop culture by having Mario and Luigi rap about themselves in the third person. This, of course, led to the tragic Mario Tupac beat for the late 90s. But, as ever, you can't top the fans. Hey, Mario, stay out of the real world. How'd you like it if I became a video game? Fleet, flip, fuckin' rock power up. Yeah, it's not pretty. Watch yourself. Like any beloved character, Mario's bound to inspire some fan art. Some of it's cute, some of it's pretty awesome, and some of it will haunt your dreams. Honestly, I don't even know what the Mario Brothers are anymore.
Well, that does it for this episode, folks. And, man, staring at that fat bastard really made me hungry. What are you doing after the show tonight, Clippy? I mean, we could, if you're not too busy, maybe grab a bite or something, you know, a great little sushi. Cold spaghetti alone it is, then. Remember, if you want to help me pick next week's topic, just draw an M on your hat, go out into the woods, eat as many mushrooms as you can find, and then the rest should pretty much take care of itself. I've been your host, droid Michael Swain, allowing me to play you out.
Do the Mario! Swing your arms from side to side! Come on, it's time to go! Do the Mario! |
cracked | bodies_bodies_bodies_review_aka_oops_all_final_girls | Hello, welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies which are like books, but better. I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-host, Jesse, because I think my other co-host, Allie, is either maybe getting married or will at some point be married, and I didn't write it down when, so maybe right now, according to- I think it's- Say hello, Jesse, and then also close your thoughts. I think it's today. I think, Allie, if you're watching, pop in the comments and let us know otherwise, but I'm pretty sure it's today, so everybody wish Allie a happy wedding. If you're bored in the pew or whatever. Yeah.
She also may be, you know, it might be, she might be mourning the death of a friend of the pod, Queen Elizabeth. Queen Elizabeth, rest in peace.
And before we went live, I was trying to get somebody to tell me why that matters. I mean, it's not nice when people die, but I also, I don't. Some people, I saw some slate article that was like, this is just the beginning, which titled that way makes it sound like the whole royal family's about to die of something, which would be kind of awesome, but they were awesome. It's a situation, and now it is following the next, the next in the bloodline. That's a good idea for a movie. Oh, you know what? Maybe it was just the beginning of the bad medical information because the article was updated that like, oh yeah, she's dead now. But even still, it just felt like also, yeah, shout out to Michael learning that the queen is dead.
Did you do you? Sorry, buddy. Who cares?
I think it's interesting that she's like a living was a living relic. She was like a portal to history. The proud history of, I don't know, colonialism or whatever. It was interesting that her, that she existed, but I have no affinity for her. I mean, I guess I could see it being interesting in the way that I think it's interesting to watch Tom Brady play football because I'm like, well, I'm observing something that, that is going down in a lot of record books and that's cool. How fun to be able to witness it.
So I'm glad I'm here with you guys as she bleeds out or whatever's going on. Imagine that she like fell on a, she like gripped into a, into a knight holding a sword. What a way to go out, man. She was trying to knight a guy, but dropped it on her foot. Oh God. Sepsis.
It is an old time lady. I mean, it's not actually an old timey thing, but it feels like this.
All right. Speaking of death and marriage, or at least women, Bodies, Bodies, Bodies is what we watched. It's a newer film, but we're, we're reviewing it just late enough for this to be incredibly irrelevant. So you can blame Jesse for that. That was really, Jesse's our resident SEO expert, good at getting, getting views. I had a tab open from three weeks ago that said Bodies, Bodies, Bodies was hot. Yeah. This is just the beginning of the Bodies, Bodies, Bodies discourse. But anyway, for those of you that haven't watched us on this live stream before, and if you've watched long enough in this to not immediately comment like everybody does, oh my God, an hour long review of a movie that's almost a movie length review. It's a podcast and it's a live podcast, which means you can say things in the comments and sometimes we'll respond to them and sometimes, you know, we won't, but Bodies, Bodies, Bodies is a movie.
Sorry, Terry, that we're cold hearted. You know, who's cold hearted? The queen. Oh, boy. Oh, jeez. She's cold as ice.
But anyway, we're also going to do alternate movie titles, which for the first time ever, I have very, very few because I didn't think to do. So do I. Shit. To do very many. I have two, which is fine. And so we need you all to give us alternate movie titles. If you've seen this movie and honestly, if you haven't seen this movie, just pitch some titles.
No. Maybe you'll figure it out as we go. All right. I'm going to recap. Hit it.
Bodies, Bodies, Bodies is an A24 film. And so it sort of comes with all that baggage that you might expect. It's artsy. It starts with two ladies tongue kissing. Oh, yeah. So you know you're watching art.
I never seen that before. I didn't know they could do that.
Two chicks kissing with tongues.
Well, now that the queen's dead, it's going to be rampant. Just all social order will descend or be destroyed. Anyway, bodies, bodies, bodies.
So these Gen Z, hip, rich children are hanging out at a house, a mansion because the parents are out of town for what they're calling a hurricane party. There's going to be a hurricane and they want to hang out during the hurricane because they're rich.
I don't know. That's what rich people do. And when they're there, you know, the power goes out. Oh, they want to play bodies, bodies, bodies, which is sort of like a live action role playing version of the card game mafia. You've ever played that? Yeah. It's like basically one person is the killer. They run around the house.
The lights are off and they kill people. And then you come back together and you vote on who you think did it. If you get it right, game's over. If you don't, you do another round, et cetera, until enough people have died that you win. But of course, somebody dies for real. And then they're trying to figure out who done it. And that's and then, you know, more people die.
And that's the entire movie. I do want to talk about the ending, but people yell at us for spoilers all the time. So just know that it's coming. Yeah, I'm going to talk about the ending. Jesse, why did we watch this film other than that?
It was hot. It's hot, man.
I was in the mood for two specific things. Good Halloween fare. Just cool new how spooky movie to watch. And also just hadn't been to the movies in a while. So I went on the Internet, Google Dotcom. I looked at my local movie theater and I saw it was playing in bodies, bodies, bodies. Looked good. I feel like there was hype around this before it came out. And then I completely forgot it existed until I was like looking for a movie to watch.
And I don't know why that is. I don't know if you're familiar with any, I don't know, marketing or production stuff. I couldn't find anything.
I think it's just a twenty four. At this point, a twenty four kind of every time an eight twenty four movie gets announced.
I mean, it did well in some festival or something. It did like. Yeah. So that South by Southwest, people saw it. The reviews were pretty good. So it's one of those movies that technically got all of its rotten tomato score six months out or four months out or whatever. So there was kind of like a, you know, whatever these critics were like. It's great. You're going to love bodies, bodies, bodies. And so there was.
Sort of that hype. But I still feel like it was mostly like a Twitter hype, like a. You know, film, Twitter, creative people on Twitter, not really. Necessarily like a broad.
A, you know, it's not a freaking Marvel movie or whatever. And it only made it's only made 11 million. So it's not like it thrashed. Yeah, that's more than you've made.
I think also or will ever been. Yeah, I think Pete Davidson, there was a very specific moment in time where like everything he did was interesting and rad and everybody wanted to see it. I still think it's interesting and all that. But I think that that luster has worn off. And so people are like, oh, whatever. So it's not in it that much. Yeah, yeah. And actually, I so I'm sorry, I'm seeing some things.
Yeah, we got we got a bunch of boob gates stuff. I'm wondering about the gate. I was wondering if we could bring Brian onto the pod. Brian's in the comments right now. But Brian, can you explain boob gate to us? You want to hop in here? What's a rubber nipple, Brian? That's a good question, cannonball guy. Brian, tell us about about a guy has hair boob, boob gate. The the great issue of our times go. This just in.
Yeah, so I don't really know any of these their names. I also didn't see the movie. So I couldn't even tell you who the character is.
But so The New York Times movie critic, one of them wrote Not So Great Review, basically being like I think the line that got a lot of attention is she called it like ad for like Charlie X, Yuck single and cleavage. And that that reviewer, who is a lesbian woman, she got reached out to by one of the actors who is also a lesbian woman. And that that woman was like, hey, maybe you'd enjoy the movie if you weren't staring at my boobs the whole time. Oh, I remember that. So the critic was like in the movie. Yeah. So the critic was like locked in.
Like, hey, I'm getting like fucking bullied by this this actor who's like, you know, I'm really disappointed, you know, like they're mean to me. And then the actor was like, I was being like flirtatious and joking.
And I thought that like we'd have like a mind melding. We're both like queer women. So we would understand.
So, yeah, so now all these people are like dog piling on the critic. And ultimately no one made the right decision. But so now this person's been like, people found out that the critic's dad is like an editor for The New York Times and like they deleted all their social media and like, you know, there's just like all this information about them being a nepotism hire and like them calling like another gay person a homophobe and shit. And it's just like everyone was using the wrong words. And there was it was a big oopsie daisy. Brian, what would you say the correct slurs to use in the story? Like the big just do like the wolf face with the tongue rolls out and like and all that.
Yeah. Perfect. Yeah.
So well, I forgot all about that. I wonder if maybe that's why it was even on my radar to begin with. Like maybe that was the best marketing that this movie had. Yeah. Well, I think that was a little bit after it's I mean, surely it just got to you and you're like, oh, oops. They're just they're setting up a sequel. We've got a little marketing. No. Oh, anyway.
Thank you, Brian. That was very helpful.
And that's why it's called. That's why it's called Boob Gate, Boob Gate. And by Boob Gate, I mean, I don't think anybody else is using that term except for me, because unlike Jesse, I am gifted at knowing what the Internet wants.
Just kidding. OK, hold on.
Let's see how many concurrence we got right now. We have a solid amount of concurrence. People want to hear about bodies, bodies, bodies.
No, would you? Would you?
Would you name the stream Boob Gate? Yeah, a.k.a. Boob Gate.
Oh, that's perfect. OK. Yeah. Design is clever. OK, so let's do this. I think you like this more than I did. Probably. I didn't dislike it.
I just I've wanted more. I wanted more, Jesse. So here's what I want to start with.
Quite low. Good.
It's a comedy, you know, it's a horror. I mean, it's not really a horror, but it's like a thriller comedy.
And so a lot of the the praise has gone to sort of the writing. The script, et cetera, which it's funny because the woman who wrote it. She's just she writes short stories and stuff, and she wrote this as a spec script and a 24 bought it. And then they had somebody come in and rewrite it so thoroughly. She just has like a story by they just destroyed it, which I think is really interesting.
But I for whatever the script does well, as far as like their dialogue and their banter, because that's what 90 percent of the movie is, is people trapped in this house kind of yelling at each other. I just I have a really tough time. I was saying this to Brian before the stream started. I just have a hard time getting excited about movies where a bunch of young people yell at each other over top of each other. And I just like, fuck you, you're dumb. And I just something about it just really like it didn't destroy the movie for me or anything. But I just I just don't like it that much. I don't like everybody talking over everybody in this big gaggle of like adult children kind of complaining and fighting and being terrible.
It just I don't know. It didn't it didn't let me connect. So I'm curious.
What's your favorite line from the movie? If you think it's so funny. I got to remember, I mean, it definitely came from sort of the ditzy girl with the with the neon necklaces and stuff like that. Yeah, I can't remember exactly.
She was really, really funny. The crowd like audibly gasped and sort of booed when she spoiler died. Almost everybody died. Sorry. Yeah, it was she was very funny and endearing.
So I know what you mean about the sort of like cross talk of just like millennial or Gen Z gibberish. But I thought it was it was actually pretty interesting because like a lot of the stuff that they were saying, they were coming off as vapid, but they're actually important things like they're talking about, like why it's important to talk about mental health. They talk about why it's important to like watch your own like ableist vocabulary, things like that. But they were saying it in a way that like was just like whiny and entitled and it just sort of like seemed like a new angle. I don't know if it was trying to, but it seemed to be saying, like, choose your words carefully, choose what hills you want to die on carefully, because like you can absolutely water down any argument that you think is really important. If you are just in a petty argument with your friends and you and you decide to bring up like, you know, ableist language or whatever, like maybe that's not the time to do it. Maybe that's not like don't make your whole personality policing people's vocabulary.
I don't know.
It was just something it was the delivery was great. The line readings were fantastic.
But I also thought there was something funny about seeing these like serious subjects used as just cudgels by like some, you know, dumb entitled brats. So to clarify, the thing that I didn't like is less about what they were saying, although some of that and more about the why, why don't we just have everybody yell their lines all at once? There are obviously scenes. I mean, I think the scene that you're mostly pointing to is kind of at the end. I want to say like four of the women are sort of they're the only ones left and they're trying to one of them's got a gun and they're all kind of trying to figure out who's doing it and who's bad, who's not. And they are sort of more taking turns in that moment. And I do think the satire is I do think they're sort of pointing out that Gen Z is maybe a little quick to start bringing that stuff up. And maybe that's such a good that's a much more concise way to put it. Yeah, I do think it's you know, it is interesting because it's not like it's a bunch of white dudes doing it. It is a bunch of you know, there are minority actresses. They're all women. There's somebody from like Eastern Europe, which is weird. And so there is kind of an interesting maybe they would be more able to talk about some of these things more legitimately. But the way it's being used is is very yeah, hollow almost where they're just using it to win this argument to get them to shoot the other person. It's not they're not having like a very thoughtful discussion about all of these issues.
They're just sort of that's true because they were they in the process like with every line that they used, they were throwing each other under the bus. They were like sacrificing their friendship or like the fragile bonds that held these friendships together. They were finally like spouting these hard truths like you're a bad actor.
Nobody likes you. Your podcast sucks. Shut up.
You know, they were like like setting off all these nuclear bombs and sort of detonating it with words like that's a little ableist. You know, like they weren't they weren't trying to actually improve anybody's habits or anything like that. They were just all of them were just out for blood. Right. And we got this comment already that, yes, it's kind of realistic how people act under duress. A lot of yelling, not a lot of actual communication, which is true. But again, Brian and I were talking about this. It's like, OK, but I don't like watching people fight in real life in shitty dumb ways.
So it was hard for me. It's kind of like, OK, so when I saw Tiger King, everybody thought Tiger King was great. It's so fun. How crazy are these people? And the whole time I'm sitting there being like, oh, this is just my dad's side of the family. It's just a bunch of sad, like depressed, like drug using redneck people. They have tigers. My dad's family doesn't have tigers. But I'm like, I'm remembering, like, I don't even know how they are. But for the reason, God go I. But they're just like, you know, we got I got this one cousin, uncle. I don't know what he is sitting in the corner. And he's like really quiet now because he crashed his motorbike and his head got caved in or whatever. You know, it's just like all these sad. Get this guy a show, man. Yeah, low income people being sad. And so when I'm watching Tiger King, I'm like. It's not that wacky to me. It just looks like my sad family, but they also have tigers.
And so anyway, I just I was saying again to Brian, really, Brian and I did an entire podcast before this. You really should have been there as I hope you enjoyed it. Yeah, I haven't cheated on you. Other podcast hosts, but we don't even film it. That's how special ours is. You're describing a friendship and I'm jealous. You ever had one of those like private podcasts with a with a friend where you just meet up sometimes you talk about stuff and you don't even record it?
It's really weird. I think when I think of horror comedies, which is one of my honestly, one of my favorite genres, I really prefer or lean towards more just thinking of recent ones or more recent ones like Past Decade, like Cabin in the Woods. I don't know if you've seen that. It is Joss Whedon, so it's got its own, you know, potential sadness that you don't know about while you're watching it or the babysitter is a random one with Samara weaving.
And I just they're a little bit more written like a little bit more. They're not trying to. This isn't how Gen Z. I mean, they're also kind of meta. They're more talking about the genre a little bit, which I think is fun for me. Anyway, I didn't hate it. And it did have some good lines and the characters were pretty funny and stuff.
But just that kind of. Everybody talking over each other, yelling delivery just made me. I don't know. Yeah, right. I mean, it's like when you hear like two cats fighting, you're like, this isn't a sound I want to hear more of it just just by its nature. It's you know, people arguing is unpleasant to hear. And if that's sort of the bay, you know, that's the emotional anchor point is like rich kids arguing. Then, yeah, no, I see that. That's not something I'm psyched about, which actually. Yeah, they kind of segues into another thing. So I had this epiphany over the weekend, so my sister got married and I'm assuming she doesn't. Oh, congrats. Otherwise, I'd feel. That about saying this, but basically, the gist is I was. Hmm. Now I'm wondering, this is a public thing.
Grace, I think Thomas is great. I think all of his groomsmen are great. I really there's nothing bad about any of it for who? No, no, no, they're all super good dudes.
The thing that I noticed is I wasn't really connecting with them super well. And, you know, me, I've you know, I have private podcasts with Brian. Like, I got so many friends.
And I was like, I just I don't really know what they're kind of talking about. Seems like their priorities are weird. And, you know, we're putting on our tuxedos and I'm trying to do a bow tie, which I can't do. I was like, I'm trying to do a bit. And then we're not jiving with it. No.
And I was like, I just asked one of them, I was like, why do you guys all have tuxedos? Like, who has tuxedos? And he goes. Well, I guess a lot of us have rich parents. And so a lot of our weddings have been black tie weddings. And I was like, oh, so when you guys are always talking about different clothing brands and types of shoes and like different liquor brands and like classy things.
I've just it's not that I grew up poor or anything, but that kind of like it felt like as I was thinking about it, I think I mentioned this to you offline as well, I went to the bachelor party and they were all just standing on a dock drinking. And I and I've never been really in a party situation where it's like we're all just here to drink and we're just yelling at each other about drinking and we're all just drinking that the thing is the drinking. And I'm like, well, like, do you guys want to like play halo while we drink or like do anything? But no, we're just sitting there. We're shopping beers.
Yeah, yeah. And there's nothing wrong with it. Inherently, it just I just couldn't it didn't connect for me.
And I think this movie is ultimately about rich entitled people. And I think a little bit of what it is is, you know, all these guys also work in finance and stuff. And it feels like for a lot of rich people, sometimes what it can be is you make as much money as you can so that you can party as hard as you can. And in doing so, kind of cultivate these tastes of like so you can buy a bunch of cool shit like tuxedos and like liquor and cigars. Yeah, it's swords. And I think I don't know, just some there's some disconnect in me with kind of richer people that I hesitate to call the materialist, but just kind of like have cultivated taste in this way. Whereas I care about like the bands that I listen to or the movies that I watch clearly, I just this movie felt a little bit like, oh, it's like a bunch of rich people doing drugs and drinking, which is just I think that I've never done really or identified with.
And anyway, I think there may have been a disconnect there where I'm just like, I don't see myself in this at all. And I know it's Gen Z and I'm an old ass thirty one now, but I don't know. There's some disconnect for me in that. I feel and in in real life off podcast in my other non broadcast podcast relationships, I definitely have those moments for like, you know, dudes and dudes in the group chat talking about like where to get the best cheese in Italy and stuff. And like, man, I don't know. I just went to Taco Bell two times in the last three days.
Sure. That's not that's not for me. And people aren't throwing enough euros at us here in this in this podcast for me to afford expensive cheese from from Italy. So yeah, throw us euros and we'll spend it. I won't even get European cheese. We promise. No, I'm not asking for my opinion.
But yeah, definitely. And that's that's sort of a chip I've had on my shoulder since I was a kid. So I grew up in like a pretty affluent area. But honestly, that little snippet of dialogue from this movie where it was so dramatic and so much emotion hinged is argument of whether or not this girl's parents were upper middle class or not. Right. Versus I guess middle class or whatever. Like that was so I feel like that was like something that probably in my 20s, I I noticed like, oh, my God, like here, I thought I was like really like roughing it growing up. And you realize, no, my parents were great. They were fine. Yeah, sure. But there's but I definitely get that.
Like the culture that is that is available to and popular among people with a whole bunch of money is it's like, well, just, you know, not fun and exciting to watch. It's like trying to watch a game of golf or something.
Like I don't get the rules. I'm not invested. I've never done this before. So I'm going to go. Yeah, I mean, Blink 182. And I guess I'm not trying to say that it's inherently like wrong or people should be doing something else.
I just sure I I personally was was missing something and I didn't quite get it until he said, oh, I guess all of her parents are rich. And it's like, oh, OK. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, it's good that they pointed that out. When I was watching it, I was trying to picture it like, you know, as soon as I realized, all right, they're all rich and I realize I'm not going to resonate with that.
I was just thinking of like what it's like to go ham with your friends when you've got at somebody's house for the weekend or something like that. And I've never done I mean, not really. So there's just a lot of I just now you've got your own house. And you can go ham with your daughters and your wife any time you want. I got like a truly and like three corona's in this fridge back here. I'm about to just that'll take care of the kids for like a day and a half.
That's true. Yeah.
And again, so it's honestly it was this way in college, too, where it felt like I didn't go to a nice college or anything. So I doubt any of them were wealthy necessarily. But it was it was still like the poor man's version of we just got to go out and get and get blitzed and party, which again is fine.
But I was like, like, will there be an Xbox? You know, like, can I get a play? Can I bring my Yu-Gi-Oh stuff?
You know, I just for whatever reason, like we would stay back. I mean, we weren't drinking either. But like when we were 21 or whatever, we were watching martial arts movies and drinking. It's just something about that has always been more appealing to me than just the literally just yelling at each other to drink more while you all kind of stand there on the dock. And this movie felt a little bit like that. Michael Dieters did point out, didn't you connect with him wanting to play the game, bodies, bodies, bodies? But that even that game feels like a game that can't possibly be fun unless you're drunk and high. You know what I mean? It just it just feels like it's a slightly more involved beer pong where it's like nobody plays this unless they're, you know, it's not accentuating a thing that you would maybe already be doing, whether whether whether there was or wasn't alcohol and drugs and whatever.
It's just like, you know, I don't know. It's like, ooh, I bumped to a girl in the dark. I don't know. It just didn't.
Anyway, I don't I also think it was one weird like change in tempo is when they went from basically having a little rave to playing this game that required rules and quiet and darkness. I don't think there's any party where that's going to happen. Just because a girl made music. One girl turns off the music and is like, everybody shut up.
We're going to play this RP, this like RPG. No, it's going to be like, yeah, hell yeah. Well, and they did do that. I mean, Pete Davidson was like, this sucks. I don't want to do like they did have a lot of pushback, which I think that was very realistic.
Yeah, I yeah, I also thought so before we get off the drug use, I thought that this was actually as far as like, like, you know, 20 something's partying goes. This was a pretty accurate, I thought, or trying to be a truthful representation of that, because it's not just like, all right, you do like more party drug, you know, more party drugs is just like more like juice in the tank and you just keep on feeling better and better. It like the more people did more and varied drugs, the more disoriented, the more paranoid they got.
One girl literally dies because she just got too high and fell down the stairs. Sorry, spoiler, spoiler.
So that was interesting to follow along with. I found myself invested in that instead of just being like, all right, these are hot people partying. It's like, these are hot people who are doing everything they can to avoid recognizing what they're doing to their body and mind. Sure. Yeah, I I do think ultimately, as has been kind of pointed out, like they're the realism of this movie is a lot better than I would say the average horror movie, like it feels pretty tight. I think it's cool that it wasn't some random. Like they try to leave and they just can't because there's a freaking hurricane in the car got smashed and they can't find the keys. Like it was very believable, plausible in a lot of ways. The whole kind of scenario made sense. It was very tense. You know, when they kill spoiler, when they kill Aaron Rodgers, I was very I was very nervous during that scene because I was like, I don't know what the hell is going to happen. But somebody is is in trouble.
And yeah, sorry, I saw Jordan was blocked for five minutes and I was like, what the hell? And then it's Christopher Michael Jordan was blocked. Sorry, Christopher Michael Jordan. I don't know what you've done, but you scared me.
You found you found our secret word of the day. Yeah. It's the C word. Is it? Take everybody guess in the comments which C word you think I'm talking about. Yeah.
Wait, wait, why do you call?
That wasn't real. That wasn't Aaron Rodgers.
No, but it's close enough that you have to think about it. Yeah, I did have to think about it.
Because Aaron Rodgers is now old enough that with his long ass hair, you're kind of like, hmm, you kind of look like a like a substitute teacher, you know, like a like probably has been in a band for way too long and is still picking up substitute teaching gigs to supplement it or something. The type of guy he looks like the type of guy who would go away to a 22 year old's dad's cabin to hook up with a girl he's known for two weeks.
Well, that's what he does. He pays for it. Sure does. He pays dearly. Yeah, I do.
The only the only weird thing is that whole hang up where they mentioned that he's a vet. That was funny, though. I like that. It is funny. It was really funny. And they all thought that he was a veteran, like some kind of badass, because he was pretty like jacked in general.
But it turns out that he was a veterinarian. And he's actually a veterinarian's assistant. Oh, right here. So he is like a substitute teacher. Like he's probably too old to be a veterinarian assistant.
He just gave off that like he's like, I'm just doing this for now, man. Like, I'll figure it out. You know, yeah. Yeah, that's funny. I just like Aaron Rodgers is just he's quarterbacking for now, but that's not his dream, you know. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be a real vet someday.
Yeah, I made that exact gaffe in first grade, and it still haunts me where we were talking about holidays and stuff. And the teacher was like, Oh, what what holidays is coming up? And I read the calendar. I was like, veterinarians day. And she thought it was cute.
And they kicked you out of school. I disrespected the troops. Yeah, and I had to go to a different school.
Oh, my God, you would never be allowed in a mission barbecue. Do they have mission barbecues up there?
Probably not. I don't think so. No, we got we got better stuff to do.
There's there's a chain. I don't know where it's from, but it's called Mission Barbecue. And every day at noon, everybody stands up and they play the national anthem. You have to put your hand over your heart and all that stuff. It's just makes me proud to be an American where I know I'm free. Yeah, free. Did you did anybody see that thing that was going around Reddit today where it was like this 9-11 themed menu from some restaurant in Virginia?
I did. I stopped to see if it was Dr. Hose. It wasn't. Of course it was a Dr. Hose.
Shoot, I forget what some of the items were, but it was like like first responder potatoes and flight seven, seven, whatever. That's mission barbecue. Really? Hold on. That is the funniest shit. 9-11 menu restaurant. Oh, no, this is one of them is like this is further than that. OK, well, what's Mission Barbecue's 9-11 themed thing? It's not 9-11 thing, but they have on all sides, they have like first responder potatoes or you know, like, yeah.
Oh, because they're not. I mean, you're never going to get a Virginian to say French fries.
You know, I thought that I thought the blonde girl was French for a while. At first, I didn't detect an accent. And then the first time I did, I thought she was French until somebody said something about Russia.
I don't know. I don't think she's Russia. She's like vague. Eastern European. I don't do they ever actually even the top gun cannon.
Let me see if I could find it now. I'm worried that that I'm not going to find it.
They didn't even try with that one. Didn't try Pentagon Pie, man.
So anyway, go check it out, folks. I'm not going to I'm not going to tell you where it is. It reminds me of the that onion image. Have you seen the it's like the subway gets a lot of flak for their 9-11 ad and it was like fly into savings.
It's like two. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And that guy like flying into it. Yeah, you'll never forget these prices or whatever. But somebody did it for real. That's really exciting. I mean, you know, why they did it is because now you know about it.
And freaking 5000 people are going to go eat there, even if it's angry eat. And then if 100 of them come back because they were like, wow, I was mad that the wings were pretty good. Then they've won, you know, the best oysters I've had this side of the Mississippi.
Yeah, exactly. Whatever.
I don't know how we went on that freaking. Well, 9-11 is coming up. What are you what are you guys doing for 9-11? Never forgetting. I'll tell you what. Actually, my my best friend got married on 9-11. So I mostly just give him shit all around that time about how he should never.
No, this is different. This is not the same person.
I mean, it's the same. It's usually the same.
And logo or yeah, avatar, but I like it under. I like the old one first. Do they? All right. So here's the only other the only other thing I wanted to talk about.
And I know I always get into the situation where. If I dislike anything about a movie, I mostly stick to that. And then it feels like I hated everything about the movie or whatever, but I didn't.
I enjoyed the movie. It was funny and a lot of parts. It was gory, which I always think is fun. And it was interesting. And it was whatever was well shot. It was cool.
Yeah, I didn't love the ending personally because. Connor Valley hate that guy. Yeah, screw that guy. No, basically, spoiler, here comes. Here comes the end of the movie.
So it turns out that Pete Davidson's character was trying to open a beer with like some kind of it's not a katana. I don't know what kind of blade it is, but some kind of friggin sword. And he somehow. Well, not somehow. He aims it at his own face and tries to pop off the bottle top and it slices his own throat and he dies. And so he's leaders.
Thank you. It's a kukri, I guess. OK, yeah, sure. I don't know.
And and and he is unable to tell anyone what he's done before he dies. And so they're like, oh, my God, somebody killed him. We can't go anywhere.
It's a hurricane, whatever. And, you know, there are lots of miscommunications and stuff. It was a comedy of errors. And I think for me, that's fine. Like it's funny and it's weird and tragic.
But it reminds me of and I'm going to make this video someday. The worst plot twist, final plot twist I've ever seen in a movie is, of course, movie that M. Night Shyamalan worked on almost. It's called Devil. And the premise of Devil, you maybe saw these trailers back in the days, like 2010 or something, but basically a bunch of people get on an elevator.
The power dies. Oh, yeah, back on and somebody's dead. And, you know, the whole movie is that it's just like the six people they're talking and trying to figure out who's doing it. Paradise comes back on. Somebody else is dead.
And then, of course, the B plot is the cops run around trying to figure it out or trying to get the door open or whatever. And, you know, you get to the whole movie and you're like, man, who did like which of these? Yeah, which one of these nerds did it? They all have reasons to. And the guy thought I did die. It's not him gets down to two people. And they're like, you're like, I legitimately have no idea who it is. I'm interested to see.
And then the grandma, the old lady who died at the very beginning, rises up and she's imbued, in fact, with Satan. And the answer is Satan has been killing them through the corpse of the old lady that it that Satan killed or whatever. And I was like, that is the shittiest worst. End of a whodunit ever. It's just now the film was called what again? It was called Devil Devil.
OK, well, they called their shot, but it could have been metaphorical. And I thought that it was they all had shady pasts. Their sins were catching up to them, et cetera. And I thought I actually would have liked if nobody like if everybody had killed each other. That would have been interesting to me because it was like you know, the guilty run when none pursue it or whatever. Like it's a bunch of people who are evil and think the other person is evil. So they all kill each other. That would have been interesting. The fact that it was literally just Satan like bringing cosmic karma was so disappointing. And in this movie, it wasn't nearly as bad, but I felt something similar where I was like, oh, so like I could never have guessed it. All the people's backstories and stuff, except for potentially the same conclusion, which is they're all shitty people. That that would that have the capacity to murder others.
And they all do pretty much right. Yeah. Yeah, just I mean, at least the two survivors each at least murdered a person apiece. Right. Yeah.
You know, I actually thought the ending was was reasonably clever because the whole time I was trying to figure out who could have done it. I didn't I didn't see it coming. And so they had me really invested in trying to figure out who had done it the whole time, but also I thought that it wasn't it didn't feel like a cop out to me because they'd gone. They've given so many red herrings. Like, you know, there's a guy that was at the party yesterday who's who's mad and has reason to maybe want to kill people. I even thought maybe they're like they did a good job of making each character pretty shady and like giving them reason and an ability to murder at every turn.
And well, except that some of them aren't. The vet was in no way malicious at any point in the film. But he'd circled the house on a map. You're right. He wasn't. Yeah, he he wasn't malicious, but he was mysterious. And to their paranoid eyes, he, you know, could have done it.
Yeah.
I'm just saying the gaggle of final girls because like Pete Davidson and that and the and the vet were never going to be like, you know, main cast. They were always like cannon fodder pretty much.
But yeah, I thought it was pretty interesting. It was just like I like looking back at all the deaths. They did a good job of making it seem like it could have been done by like four different people or by nobody at all. And then to find out that there's nobody at all. Pretty cool. I thought it was neat. Yeah. And that's why I thought it was it's just a funny twist also because they have all the horror tropes. Like it was a pretty is pretty good as a horror movie. And then to subvert it just, you know, looking back, I was like, of course, this is a Pete Davidson like vehicle where he gets to be a goofball for a few minutes.
Like it was never going to be like this crazy contrived. There's never going to be like a what's his name from? Saw a jigsaw kind of thing in his movie.
Sure. What I was kind of hoping for, and it doesn't really matter. I thought we were going to learn something crazy about Maria Aklava, whatever her name is, the Eastern European girl. She. Yeah. Because she obviously kills the vet kind of just. That little hesitation and not even a lot of hesitation.
She puts him down, right? She hits him once he gets up. She freaking ends him. She was brutal.
Yeah. Which is insane. And that's actually part of it, which is that kill was crazy. The other ones were never as to me as like impactful or like as terrifying, honestly, as that one. Right. There's scary and weird deaths, but yeah. Yeah. Even when somebody gets thrown off a balcony onto a pile of glass bottles and stuff like even that wasn't as scary and gory as the just the slashing back of the head murder of the vet. Right. I mean, that was also a very brutal. There are some very brutal kind of killings in this movie, which I appreciated.
But I just think I don't know why I because she was playing it so straight, like so. Oh, she must be innocent, except for the fact that she totally brained to do to death. I don't know. I don't know why I just I thought there was going to be some reveal about her character or somebody's character. But I feel like yeah, I feel like there was maybe never quite. A second death, which made me make sense because none of them did it. Like none of them were killers, but or I mean. Premeditated killers or something. I don't know.
I it's not like a flaw in the movie. It was just something that I got to. I was like, I wanted like some extra reveal of somebody's past that wasn't like, oops, you heard the word wrong. He's not a vet. And they did do some of that where they're like yelling at each other about podcasts and they're acting and how they hated each other and stuff. But there wasn't something extra.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I feel yeah.
I think I forget if I was saying this on our pre podcast friendship five minutes or or on the podcast, but I kept my my expectations were very low. And I think that that was key to me really enjoying this. It just seemed like it was going to be a fun. It was going to be a romp. It wasn't really taking itself seriously, except for, you know, production quality was really good. And yeah, man, so I wasn't expecting I wasn't in that headspace where like after M Night Shyamalan's like first two or three movies, you think it's going to be like he's going to kill it every time. And then the first time you're disappointed by him, it's devastating. I wasn't in that headspace. Yeah, I had pretty high expectations just because the ratings were pretty good and I like a 24 stuff. And so, yeah, I didn't dislike it. I just was sort of like, I was hoping that this would be a movie that I would, you know, be running out of the theater crying and like, I really don't see it.
And I was like, you know, it's fine. It's good. Yeah, it's fine.
The what you're talking about is how I felt with Bullet Train, which is I went into it being like, whatever, it's a movie. I got a movie pass thing. I'll just watch the movie.
And then I was like, well, I'm having a delightful time. I'm just Brad Pitt, you know, he's flitting around. He's saying stuff. I love it. I'm having a great time.
So expectations. That's why I just don't want to watch any trailers or know anything about any movies anymore. I kind of just want to go into stuff because it really could screw it up a lot, I feel like. Yeah, I mean, I keep meaning to do my research before I watch, but I keep not doing it.
And it and it's worked out pretty well. I'm always, you know. Yeah, I don't know. I'm glad I didn't know anything about it, except for that.
It looks fun on the on the the friggin poster. And Boob says you can't go wrong with trains. It's just true.
You just trains. Was there a train in this film? There wasn't bullet train.
Oh, I see. Oh, yeah, it's actually pretty central. Also, just as the devil was pretty central to devil.
And yet you didn't see it coming. I would say that's the greatest twist of our generation. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was turning a grandma into itself and murdering people on an elevator.
That's what they say. It's my favorite part of the usual suspects. Have you seen the usual suspects, by the way? Mm hmm. Oh, my God, dude.
If it's not, this is why you're going to get fired. No, no, no, there's lots of other reasons.
I've got them all cataloged. All right, so let's let's let's throw it to the masses. Yes, train to Busan is also great. Snow piercer is great and had a good twist. It's a good point. I really like snow piercer, but I'm not alone in that. All right.
This movie had the most unlikable cast as Dave. I don't know about the most unlikable cast. I think the cast was fine. I think the characters were all written to be unlikable.
Very true. Yeah, I think. I don't think they mostly overcame it. Like I thought. I thought they did fine. I like Aaron Rodgers. And other than that, we have mostly just all titles. Watch Wizards. OK.
Maybe I'll do that. Are we going to see glass onion when it comes out? Have you seen Knives Out? The first one? Oh, no, I haven't. Oh, I've been seeing glass onion stuff popping up, so I feel like I should watch. I should get on it.
Knives Out is an incredible who done it, in my opinion. It's very rewarding. Just how it all comes together. The twist is very, very clever, very, very interesting. It's it's it's a delight. And so I don't know if we're going to watch it, Michael, but I'm definitely going to watch glass onion.
I trust Ryan Johnson, generally speaking. Right. Well, that's true.
Doing a Netflix movie, a lot more people potentially have access to that faster than the theater. And then Joe Maximus. Sup, Joe? I know Joe in real life says to watch Repo, the genetic opera.
We have a offline podcast as well. We should watch that because it's one of the dumbest movies ever. Maybe we will. There's no telling what we will watch on any given podcast.
We have no, no rules. We just, you know, no ethics. You just kind of parents, no rules, no, no ethics. All right, let's do all titles unless did you have anything else that you want?
I did just remember that I I had I had one of those experiences where I thought maybe I was watching a different movie than what I was watching. I thought at a certain point, I thought maybe the twist is going to be that all this murder, all these murders didn't actually happen. This is just the game playing itself out. And maybe they're super fucking high and they thought it was happening or whatever, just because they like they they. They told you that, like the way this game always goes is people turn on each other and you get into like the darkest parts of your psyche and all that kind of stuff and you sacrifice your friendship and that kind of thing. So I thought there was going to be some kind of twist for these murders didn't actually happen.
Well, I feel like. Good.
Well, the deaths didn't happen because you do sort of feel for the two survivors at the end and you're like, how I couldn't help. I normally don't really think about the aftermath for people in horror movies, but like they were pretty reasonably normal people who actually didn't have an axe murder after them. And like, how the fuck are they going to like go about their lives so that my brain was clinging to hope that maybe none of this happened for them. Well, Eastern Europeans are there are hardy people.
But her mom has borderline. She has borderline.
Yeah, no, I I could see how you would get that. I mean, I think that was the it's just it was taken further than it normally is. But this is how it always goes. It's just that this time they all had to die. Yeah, or whatever. So that is actually kind of solid and fun. All right. Titles, so alternate titles.
I only have a couple before. Do we usually do us first or them first? I don't remember. I don't either. Let's start with them.
Yeah, Keith. Keith Plot says I have not seen this movie, but so far my vote for alternate title is Lipstick Lesbian House Party. Yeah, not terrible. I mean, not inaccurate. We got Scuttle Field says Gen Z clue, which is pretty much literally what it is. Yeah, I like that. That's yeah, that really nails it.
We got rich kids with problems from rule school. Yeah, maybe the rich kids aren't all right.
That could be good. Blue Frog movies, movies, movies. Very nice. Very good. Pete Davidson and the Marlboro bitches. I don't think they would let us put that anywhere. Bobby's, Bobby's, Bobby's, propane and propane accessories. Very nice. I don't know if these are Gen Z jokes. Oh, no. Jungle juice in the tank. Nice. Very good. Very nice. Barbecue, barbecue, barbecue.
So. The body's three, body squared. Kind of like dealing up to the three. Yeah. Let the bodies hit the floor. Thank you, zealot master boobies. They're good.
Aaron Rodgers, big brain. I kind of like that. It's kind of also like Aaron Rodgers spring break. Aaron Rodgers off season.
Something. There's something there. I like that crack says, oops, all bodies. Very nice. Good job, Brian. Weekends with bodies.
They go pretty, pretty gay kids with problems. Not all gay, but they did all have problems. But they're pretty gay. Yeah, I mean, they're like gay ish collectively. They're pretty, pretty gay.
Yeah, on the average, pretty good. All right. All I had was boot gate, obviously. But that's mostly for you all at home. And I had no done it. Cool. See, now you're thinking now, see, now you're on board. You got your brain working. That was the only title that I had that title at the beginning. It's always working.
What do you got for me? Anything?
Well, I had boobies, boobies, boobies. I've also got oops, all final girls.
Wait, what is the, what is the meme there? I'm not remembering like the, the beginning of it. Well, I don't know.
I don't think I'm, oh, like oops, all berries. You know, it's like, like a cereal thing where they like, you're not feeling, all right. So it's like, you know, a kid's cereal will be like, usually it's like some berries and some, like I don't know, little corn shaped berries. Yeah. And then they're always like, oh, there's an accident at the factory and now that's all berries in this box.
Tune in to our podcast every week, every week where we explain memes to Jordan. I mean, what am I supposed to, I don't know anything. Yeah, okay, Captain Crunch, whatever.
I, my mom, we didn't eat cereal growing up. We didn't have TV, so we didn't watch commercials. We didn't have cereal. We didn't have cereal and oats.
Got up at three o'clock in the morning to prepare our own steel cut oats. I started playing backyard baseball at 4 a.m. and then I wouldn't go up until lunch.
You know, that was, that was my childhood. Nice. You're stronger for it. Oops, all final girls, both very funny. Any other ones?
Jordan does need cereal. It's true, I don't. Yeah, I guess I've never seen him eat cereal. No, that's all, that's all I got.
Cool. So, I'm gonna ask you something live on the pod so that it's, you're beholden to it. Are you ready? Oh no, yeah. Last time I was in New York City, I left my keys in the hotel and they have it in the safe and I haven't figured out a way to get them, but you're coming to Virginia for this thing. Oh, uh-huh. You should break my keys. Okay, so you want me to go to the hotel you stayed at and break into the safe? Is this a high story?
We have permission. No, they'll know that you're coming. This is a modern movie. Oh, they think they do. They think they will. Yeah. They'll have no freaking idea. But also that's a convoluted way of saying that Jesse has helped me create a game show that we are gonna be filming in three weeks.
And I hope that it's good. I think it'll be good. I think it'll be a lot of fun. I think it's gonna be great. Yeah, it'll be great.
We're filming it in the same place that we filmed the last round of Honest Ads. So if you like Honest Ads, it's like just as good and the same in every way.
It's basically, here's the premise. So you guys know Double Dare, right? And specifically the game where there's a flag up the nose. We're doing that, but with noses with every orifice on the body. We're just gonna have people climbing up into these 3D replicas of bodily orifices and getting flags. Is this another kept crunch thing? It's a Nickelodeon thing. Yeah, you're probably not gonna get it.
Oh my God. I was born during the Gulf War, which means I didn't really come to consciousness until like 9-11, honest. Yeah, yeah.
The planes went down and I was like, what's going on in culture? The planes went down. The towers went down, yeah.
Well, Nickelodeon is still on during 9-11. You should see Nickelodeon's live 9-11 coverage.
Yeah, but I still didn't have a TV. Oh, I mean, I had a TV, but it didn't play Nickelodeon. It didn't get all the way up into the double digits, yeah.
Yeah. What are you guys talking about? I don't know what anybody's references are.
I'm going to bed. I have children. I'm about to have a third child.
Oh, wow. Wait, do we know that? Did I know that? You should. I remember now. Mazel tov from all of us.
Here it cracks. That was a quote from my own mouth. No, it wasn't. I didn't know what Brian said about- You said, I was born during the Gulf War and I didn't really come. I guess technically you did say that.
All right. Yeah, if you end the sentence there, fine. I hate my producer. Whatever, all right.
Where can we find you, Jesse, assuming that we ever want to? If you ever want to find me, I'll be at Jordan's Hotel in New York, trying to break into that damn safe. Hell yeah. I'm on Twitter, at Eisman. Googling. Yep, and you can find me on the Twitter at the underscore J underscore breeding and I'm just going to start mentioning it now.
I do have a YouTube channel and there's basically nothing on it, but if I get fired, there will be. And you never know when I might get fired.
Watch this space.
They might not let me announce it if I get fired, but you'll know if you're subscribed to Dr. Jordan breeding on YouTube. I'll slip it in there. If Jordan gets fired, I'll watch my blinking. It's going to be Morse code. Yeah, and I'm going to say this, maybe next week we will watch Lucky Number 11, but there's also a good chance that we won't. So if you want to watch Lucky Number 11, I promise we'll do it at some point. I'm just trying to get my friend to agree to film it with me because this is one of those movies that we bonded over when we were young and loved Josh Hartnett.
Whatever. It's it. Yeah. Do I say something else?
I used to have things where I was like, we're live streaming every Thursday at 4 p.m. Please subscribe to Crack Movie Club here, but we're also on, there's audio only versions on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. There used to be newsletter, but I don't think it does that anymore. I think that died a long time ago, speaking to people quitting or getting fired.
That's it. I'm done. I'm going to say goodbye. Bye.
Got up at three o'clock in the morning to prepare our own steel cut oats. I started playing backyard baseball at 4 a.m. and then I wouldn't go up until lunch, you know? That was my childhood.
Nice. You're stronger for it. Oops, all final girls, both very funny. Any other ones?
Jordan does need cereal. It's true, I don't. I guess I never seen him eat cereal. No, that's all I got.
Cool, so I'm going to ask you something live on the pod so that it's, you're beholden to it. Are you ready? Oh, no, yeah. Last time I was in New York City, I left my keys in the hotel and they have it in the safe and I haven't figured out a way to get them, but you're coming to Virginia for this food. Oh, uh-huh. You should break my keys. Okay, so you want me to go to the hotel you stayed at and break into the safe? Is this a high story?
We have permission. No, they'll know that you're coming. This is a modern world. Oh, they think they do. They think they will. Yeah. They'll have no freaking idea.
But also, that's a convoluted way of saying that Jesse has helped me create a game show that we are going to be filming in three weeks and I hope that it's good. I think it'll be good. I think it'll be a lot of fun. I think it's gonna be great. Yeah, it'll be great.
We're filming it in the same place that we filmed the last round of Honest Ads. So if you like Honest Ads, it's like just as good and the same in every way.
It's basically, here's the premise. So you guys know Double Dare, right? And specifically the game where there's a flag up the nose. We're doing that, but with noses with every orifice on the body. We're just gonna have people climbing up into these 3D replicas of bodily orifices and getting flags. Is this another kept crunch thing? It's a Nickelodeon thing. Yeah, you're probably not gonna get it.
Oh my God. I was born during the Gulf War, which means I didn't really come to consciousness until like 9-11, honestly. Yeah, yeah.
The planes went down and I was like, what's going on in culture? The planes went down. The towers went down.
Yeah. Well, Nickelodeon is still on during 9-11. You should see Nickelodeon's live 9-11 coverage.
Yeah, but I still didn't have a TV. Oh, I mean, I had a TV, but it didn't play Nickelodeon. Didn't get all the way up into the double digits, yeah.
What are you guys talking about? I don't know what anybody's references are.
I'm going to bed. I have children. About to have a third child.
Oh, wow. Wait, do we know that? Did I know that? You should. I remember now. Mazel Tov, from all of us here at Crash.
That was a quote from my own mouth? No, it wasn't. But the thing, I didn't know what Brian said about- You said, I was born during the Gulf War and I didn't really come. I guess technically you did say that at once. Yeah, if you end the sentence there, fine. I hate my producer. Whatever, all right.
Where can we find you, Jesse? Assuming that we ever want to. If you ever want to find me, I'll be at Jordan's Hotel in New York, trying to break into that damn safe. Hell yeah.
Or find me on Twitter, at Iceman. Google it. Yep, and you can find me on the Twitter at the underscore J underscore breeding and I'm just going to start mentioning it now. I do have a YouTube channel and there's basically nothing on it.
But if I get fired, there will be. And you never know when I might get fired.
Watch this space.
They might not let me announce it if I get fired, but you'll know if you're subscribed to Dr. Jordan Breeding on YouTube. Also- I'll slip it in there. If Jordan gets fired, I'll watch my blinking. It's going to be Morse code. Yeah, and I'm going to say this.
Maybe next week we will watch Lucky Number 11, but there's also a good chance that we won't. So if you want to watch Lucky Number 11, I promise we'll do it at some point. I'm just trying to get my friend to agree to film it with me because this is one of those movies that we bonded over when we were young and love Josh Hartnett or whatever.
It's it, yeah? Do I say something else?
I used to have things where I was like, we're live streaming every Thursday at 4 p.m. Please subscribe to Crack Movie Club here, but we're also on- There's audio only versions on Apple Podcasts and Spotify that used to be newsletter, but I don't think it does that anymore. I think that died a long time ago, speaking of people quitting or getting fired.
That's it. I'm done. I'm going to say goodbye. Bye. |
dropout | horror_movie_daycare | Hi, I'm Catherine Daisy. I'm the director at Happy Dreams Daycare. We offer a welcoming environment for all children regardless of any personal or supernatural issues they may have at home. We don't use words like slow or possessed or antichrist. Happy Dreams Daycare is a place where kids can just be kids.
Danny, do you want a juice box? Danny's not here, Mrs. Daisy. Only Tony now. Well, does Tony want a juice box?
Yes. Come play with us, Danny. Danny, remember how we talked about socializing? Go play with them. We try to engage kids in group activities to make learning fun. C-D-E-F-G-H-I-T-K-K-I-N-G. Great. We also make sure kids get plenty of outdoor time.
Nine, we're missing one. Where's Kevin? Kevin, come on inside. It's snack time.
I've always loved working with kids. Before this, I was a nurse in a youth mental hospital. After that burned down, I was a governess in an old orphanage. After that burned down, I- Can I come in?
Oh, not right now, Abby, okay? Okay, does anyone have a book they'd like us to read today? Oh, a fun choice.
Some parents come to me at their wit's end and I completely understand. There's nothing scarier than parenthood.
I was a little concerned with something that Damien drew today. Let me see if I can find it. Look at this.
Each day come nap time. You're reminded of what little angels they really are. I love your top side. I love your happy side.
Samara, get out of the TV. TV time is over.
But you know what? Some kids are a real handful. Reagan, Reagan, stop. You're gonna make yourself dizzy. Hey everybody, if you like that video, just click right on me to subscribe. |
ClickHole | these_people_s_stories_of_paranormal_experiences_will_terrify_you | My wife and I had just moved into a new home, and we couldn't have been more excited. But after our very first night living there, I found all the furniture in the living room turned upside down. All my pictures were upside down too, and so was my wife.
That's when I realized that it was actually me being held upside down by a ghost who was looking right at my ass and going, wow, nice ass for some old man. Then about 50 other ghosts floated up out of the floor and said, God damn old man, that behind is a ghost's greatest joy. The ghost that was holding me brought its mouth to my ear and whispered, jealous, because he just had a swirly little ghost tale, no anus at all. I still get chills just thinking about it. I was visiting my father's resting place in the cemetery when I saw this bright glowing orb floating through the tombstones.
I don't know why, but I called out, Dad, is that you? The white light stopped, then shook back and forth as if to say no. So I said, how about Aunt Jacqueline? It said no again. So I said, Buddy Holly? And it flew straight into my mouth and down into my heart where I felt it shimmy and do a tiny dance as if to say yes. A few months later, I passed the white light into the toilet.
I hate ghosts. I hate them. I got a huge pathetic one that lives in my driveway because it's in love with the exhaust coming out of my truck's tailpipe. This fat, cloud-looking doughboy gets all shy, can't decide whether to kiss the exhaust or not until I shut the engine off. Then it starts weeping and moaning about being Lovelorn and blue-balled, and I'm like, aloha, asshole, is this your first time in hell or what? This place ain't supposed to be a nice time. Jesus Christ, pathetic piece of shit.
I went to a psychic to try and contact my recently deceased grandpa, Joe. I wanted to see if it was cool for me to dump all his war medals in the trash because literally no one wanted them. Just seconds after walking into the room, the psychic said, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, here it comes. And out of her mouth tumbled the naked ghost of Hitler and FDR right onto the floor. Both looked at each other, smiled, and FDR shouted, yeah baby, Frank and the Dolph, back at it again. Hitler shouted, your grandpa Joe's in hell for loitering. Then they floated over to the psychic's laptop, bought season passes to an amusement park online, printed out a picture of a Tilt-A-Whirl, and floated out the window. I still can't explain it. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_pete_davidson_says_goodbye_for_now_snl | Well, guys, it is the final episode of the season. here to talk about it is Pete Davidson. hello, Colin and Che and millions of people only watching to see if I bring up Kanye. Yeah. Pete, you've had a weird year. yeah, a little bit. yeah.
I just, uh, I never imagined this would be my life, you know? I mean, look at me when I started here. like, back then, I was just like a skinny kid and no one knew what race I was. And, like, now everyone knows I'm white because I became hugely successful while barely showing up to work. And, like, look at me now. I'm aging like an old banana.
And Colin still looks like the only Kennedy who doesn't drink.
Thanks, Pete. So, so, are you officially leaving? Yeah, man. Lauren accidentally gifted me a sock, so I'm free.
Has a lot changed since you started here? A lot has changed.
In three years, Fox News went from calling me a monster. From making fun of Congressman Dan Crenshaw's eyepatch, to also making fun of Dan Crenshaw's eyepatch. Tucker Carlson called him eyepatch Mccain. that's two veterans in one insult. Geez, Colin, your dad's a dick. Actually, Pete, I'm not related to Tucker Carlson.
Well, I learn something new every day. But in fairness, though, to what I originally said, clearly it still bothers me, what I was saying, I was simply making a joke about someone's appearance without realizing that the medical condition behind it was a sensitive issue, which is an Snl alumni tradition. Here, on one hand, I don't like that people think they could just run up on stage and hit a comedian. but on the other, it's how I know all my shows will now be sold out. Pete, is there anything you're going to miss about this place?
Oh, yeah, Lauren for sure. he's amazing. he's led us through the Covid era, even though the only time he wears a mask is at his eyes wide shut parties. he always gives the best advice, really. This is all true advice that Lauren's given me. I'll never forget this. I called him and said, when I got engaged, I said, Lauren, I just got engaged to Ariana Grande after dating for two weeks. And he said, oh, hold on for dear life. it's a true thing he said.
And then I remember when I auditioned for Snl, he looked me right in the eye and said, i don't know, I don't think you're right for this show. So let's screw this up together. And that's exactly what we did, and that's why people who don't think I deserve this job shouldn't hate me since we have so much in common. like, if anything, I should inspire hope, you know, like that literally anyone could be on Saturday Night Live.
Seriously, you see a guy boming cigarettes outside of 7-11 at 2 a.m. that's not some meth head. that's the next Pete Davidson. Well, I'm going to miss you, Pete. Oh, well, thanks, Colin, even though I know it says that on your cue card. you've been like an older brother to me in that, you know, in the way that my mom openly loves you more than she does me. And I appreciate Snl always having my back and allowing me to work on myself and grow. And, you know, thank you to Lauren for never giving up on me or, you know, judging me, even one like everyone else was, and for believing in me and allowing me to have a place that, like, I could call home with the memories that'll last a lifetime. So thank you, guys. Pete Davidson. |
cracked | some_news_donald_trump_fires_james_comey_the_rock_might_run_for_president_more | Hello you, I am a news person and here is some news. Dove has come out with a new campaign in which a line of body wash has different size and shape bottles for body positivity. The outside of the bottles are meant to reflect the diversity of women's bodies while the eventual contents of the bottles are meant to reflect all marketing campaigns, completely empty. The campaign uses the slogan, there is no one perfect shape, which is true for a human body but not for something designed to sit on a shelf and dispense body wash.
Twitter did its duty and dragged Dove to fucking church about this because it's dumb. Speaking of dumb, a quick correction from last week when we claimed that the GOP healthcare bill would make sexual assault a pre-existing condition. This is false. Sexual assault was simply already a pre-existing condition, Obamacare provided protections against it being a pre-existing condition, and this new bill would simply remove those protections, making sexual assault a pre-existing condition again.
So... Ha ha! Peppy the Frog has been killed off by its creator, because that'll do it, the cartoon frog was born in a harmless comic strip and eventually was used in delightful memes and then some unsavory memes and eventually some quite Nazi memes. Becoming a bit of a hate symbol, though many have adopted to use it ironically, as if to say, we're not racist, we're just joking around with racists. The meme of course will continue in its many forms, because this is not how memes die. This was more of a symbolic parting of the ways between art and artist, although the actual Nazi faction of the alt-right has agreed to no longer use the meme for Nazi stuff on the conditions that ju- nevermind.
Steven Seagal has been banned from the Ukraine after Vladimir Putin handed him a Russian passport and told him he hoped their personal relationship will remain and continue. So Ukraine banned him for five years. A similar thing happened to Fred Durst around a year and a half ago, when he told state run Sputnik that he wouldn't mind getting a Russian passport. Quote, if you have communication with the relevant authorities, which could assist with obtaining it, share. Then Ukraine banned him. When asked for comment, Durst said, I did it all for the Ruskies.
Come on. The Ruskies. Come on. The Ruskies. Come on.
So you can hate the Ruskies and ban me from Ukraine. Ban me from Ukraine.
When asked if that was necessary, Durst repeated himself and did not stop repeating himself. Apparently quite ill. He is receiving the medical treatment he requires because luckily having a limp biscuit isn't a pre-existing condition.
The inventor of G.I. Joe has died. For his final wishes, his body was taped to a firecracker and set off in the backyard.
President-in-law Jared Kushner's sister, Nicole Kushner Meyer, held a fundraising event in China recently for her influential government employee brother's company that he's definitely not still involved in, so quit asking about it. The event urged potential investors to dump money into a luxury apartment building in Jersey City in exchange for American visas, and they slipped into President Trump mention to assure everyone the visas would be approved. Basically saying, don't worry, I have an inn. The president has a crush on my brother's wife. The visas would be attainable through the EB-5 program, which allows eligible immigrant investors to essentially buy their way around those pesky immigration laws the president hates so much. The program was due for some major revisions to discourage the kind of abuses that are these ones. But luckily, Kushner in chief and president of the United States of America, Donald Trump, president, stepped in and extended the EB-5 program literally a day before the fundraiser, allowing Kushner to sell visas to Chinese millionaires for $500,000 apiece of money to be directly invested in the Kushner's apartment building called Kushner One, because moon-based Kush Tower Alpha was taken. Anyway, Kushner One is a private business venture that may or may not be a supervillain base and does absolutely nothing to benefit the American people, yet carries the implicit seal of approval of the president of the United States of America, Donald Trump, president. The Kushners later clarified that the slides were prepared by the Chinese investment firm they're working with, and not the Kushners themselves.
It's like saying you don't deserve to get docked points on your shitty paper because your mom wrote it for you. No shit, you don't deserve anything.
Reporters were physically blocked or removed from the public event once the presentation started, presumably to prevent the plans of Kushner One from falling into the hands of the Rebel Alliance, and no other reason. In football news, why don't they just make the whole field out of the football?
Speaking of ballers, in a recent GQ interview, lovable former wrestler and action star Dwayne The Rock Johnson has said that the potentiality of him running for president one day is a real possibility. Which brings us to, could you just not right now? Dwayne, Rock, maybe you'd be a great president one day.
You seem really likeable, and genuinely kind, and your heart is always in the right place. No one expected you to be a great actor, and now you're the highest paid male actor alive. Your success in Hollywood proves that anything is possible for you.
And that might well extend to your presidential run, but could you just not right now? Even if you'd be a great president, we just got a new one. Do we need to start the 2020 campaign cycle now? We still got 2018, and a presidential election between a reality show host and an action movie star? No thank you. Maybe you're just doing this as a bit, like a fun little internet video where you run for president, and maybe Arnold is in it, and you shoot at each other, and I'd watch that. But Donny Johnny Trump ran for president as a bit to boost the ratings for The Apprentice, and then he became president, and is spending a really long time learning what federal judges can do, and how to pass legislation, and also about NAFTA and the Geneva Convention, and so on. Not to say that you don't know about those things, but it would be great if every four years the leader of our country didn't have to figure it all out. Donald Trump isn't proof that anyone can be president, he's proof that anyone can become president. So please, could you just not right now? Or run for Senate? We could use some earnest, good-hearted, brave action heroes in Congress, instead of, you know, only losers and ghouls.
After Stephen Colbert made a joke about President Trump sucking a dick, the president reacted, calling Colbert a no-talent guy, claiming what he says is filthy. When asked to elaborate, the president said, I did try and fuck her, she was married, I moved on her like a bitch, she's now got the big phony tits and everything, they let you do it, you can do anything, grab them by the pussy, you can do anything, end quote.
In that one segment, we like to call several seconds of respite. FBI director James Comey has been fired by President Donald Trump, and the story is fucking wild, you guys. There are so many amazing details about this, and you just, you gotta go read about it. Like, holy shit, or just, okay.
So Trump sent Comey a letter saying he was fired, and said that on three separate occasions he was told by Comey that he was not under investigation, which is odd to point out when the alleged reason for firing him, according to letters from its Attorney General and Deputy Attorney General, is because Comey handled the Clinton email case poorly, which is weird because of how much Trump praised him and thanked him for specifically that, at one point literally kissing him from across a room. Also, the Deputy Attorney General threatened to quit if he was used as the impetus for the firing, because Trump had apparently already decided to fire Comey, and had been thinking about it for a while. He even had dinner with Comey back in January to ask him to pledge his loyalty to him, which presidents can't do to the director of the FBI, and this dinner Trump requested so Comey could assure him that he wasn't under investigation for Russia ties happened the day after Sally Yates warned President Trump about his National Security Advisor Michael Flynn's Russia ties, so that's weird, and then flash forward to Comey telling Congress that there's an investigation into Trump's campaign, and eventually Trump asked for his AG and Deputy AG's letters as pretense to fire him, which on its surface seems like the president fired the man in the middle of investigating him for crimes.
That can't be right. It seems like the president fired the man in the middle of investigating him for crimes. But there's a lot to unpack, and there's some conflicting information and bad messaging, so let's not jump to conclusions. Democrats have often criticized Comey in the past for his handling of the email case, so maybe there were grounds to fire him. There's a lot of wild conspiracy out there, and a lot of wild denial. So let's look at the facts, and just listen to what the principal deputy White House press secretary has to say. Why did the president fire the person in the middle of an investigation of that president? We want this to come to its conclusion, we want it to come to its conclusion with integrity, and we think that we've actually, by removing Director Comey, taken steps to make that happen. Respectfully disagree. The way to make an investigation into the president of the United States conclude with integrity is not to fire the man in charge and then say it's over. That's fucking suspicious.
If you're just joining us, this person isn't press secretary Sean Spicer, who the previous night had a bit of a goof him up when he gave an impromptu press conference among the bushes under dark of night. No, this is Sarah Huckabee Sanders. No relation to Bernie, he who may have won. But let's quickly check in with one of her relatives, not her brother, who killed a dog with a friend during Boy Scouts, but her dad, former Arkansas governor and base player Mike Huckabee. In a segment we're OK with calling Huckabee more like Yuckabee, or maybe what the fuckabee?
I don't know, there are a lot of options. This guy is a dope is my point. Mike Huckabee tweeted this past week, CNN now stands for Cardiac Care Network because their people are having heart attacks over Trump doing what Dems once demanded. Fire Comey. Nice. Nothing says CNN like CCN. Real nice. Kind of a missed opportunity though, because I'm pretty sure CNN also stands for you fucking suck at this buddy.
Also, why would the cardiac care network be a bunch of people having heart attacks? It would be like surgery, consultations.
And to Mr. Huckabee's last point, Comey did make a mistake by announcing he was reopening the Clinton email case and subsequently closing it again mere days before the election while not announcing that he was also in the middle of an investigation of the Trump campaign. A person can think that was a mistake while also thinking it's suspicious that a president under investigation for crimes fired the person in charge of investigating him for crimes. Especially considering the reason. We want this to come to its conclusion. We want this to go away. But that's just a spokesperson. It's not even the old spice. So who's to say what President Trump's real reason was for firing the man investigating him again for crimes? And in fact, when I decided to just do it, I said to myself, I said, you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story, it's an excuse. You can't decide it's made up. That's literally the point of an investigation, even if you're the president. And you just said that you fired him to make the Russia investigation go away. If you want it to go away, let the FBI finish their investigation, man. Because I can't believe no journalist has done you the kindness of pointing this out to you.
This is how a guilty person behaves. So chill out or lie better. Because the president firing the person in the middle of investigating him for crimes and by his own admission doing so in order to stop the investigation is obstruction of justice. And that's a crime, and this is that, right? Legit asking, tell me in the comments if it's not a crime. Specifically, tell me if firing the person in the middle of investigating you because you want the investigation to stop is in violation of Title 18, US Code 1505, obstruction of proceedings before departments, agencies, and committees. Like, what adult can we call about this? Just get him out of there.
Thanks for watching. Come back next week when, oh golly, who knows? Hey, thanks for watching that video. If you wanna subscribe, hit that big C in the middle and if you wanna watch more videos, hit one of the two boxes on the right. Donald Trump, as we were filming this, just tweeted that he has tapes of Comey. So is that the reason you fired him? God, you guilty motherfucker. Don't forget to hit the notification bell icon below so YouTube will notify you when we have a new video out. Ah! |
dropout | obama_pardoned_the_turkey_that_killed_my_family | What are you laughing at? Oh, nothing.
Just this video of Obama pardoning a turkey named Butterball. Butterball? Butterball. Are you sure it was Butterball?
Yeah. What's wrong? That's the turkey that killed my family. No, it's just a fun tradition. No.
In March of 2012, I testified that Butterball was running an organized crime ring in New York City. The jury failed to convict.
I had to run away, start a new life in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. But he found me! Son of a bitch found me. Killed my whole family.
Thought they'd put him away for good. Why would they pardon him?
We're talking about a turkey, right? No! Turkey to kill my family! Fuck! Fuck, it's him! I gotta get outta here! I gotta go! Hello? No!
What the fuck are you doing?
You're making gobbling sounds. It's my ringtone! It's festive! Change it! AHHH! OWWW! Hello again, trap. NOOOOOO!
Four years. Four YEARS I've been locked away.
My only comfort, a fantasy of revenge. The dream that one day I might send you to hell with your pathetic family.
You don't have to do this. HAHAHA! Oh, but I do. Rock, rock, rock! WOAH! Loose corn! That's the last corn you'll ever have! Anyways, it's a cute video, you should check it out. Can you send it to me? WOAH! Hi, it's Mike Trap from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
dropout | How_Did_YOU_Get_On_Raya | Katie, you eat soup. It's a liquid. You drink soup. What about a hearty soup? Aren't you doing a lot of chewing and, therefore, a lot of eating?
I cannot deal with this. Tao, can you please tell Grant that he has no idea how verbs work? Tao, can you please tell Katie that she's a raging moron?
Huh? Oh, sorry. I just got on Raya, so I wasn't paying attention. I think you both eat and drink soup. You're on Raya? Yeah.
Sorry.
You, Tao, are on the exclusive dating app Raya for celebrities, models, and male DJs? Yep. That you have to be approved by a committee to be a member of you. Yeah. So you're on Raya? Yes. Hold on. I am misunderstanding something. So you are on Raya? Yes. Why is that so shocking? I got an invite and now I'm on it. Are we talking about the same Raya? Is Raya the name of a food delivery app or something that I didn't know about? Yeah. Because I could see you on that. No, the dating app. I'm on Raya. I got an invite for it.
You are rich. You're very, very wealthy and that is why you're on Raya. No, I'm not rich. I don't even own a car. I'm just on Raya, guys.
Who cares why? You guys think there's too much prestige in this elitist dating app? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Understood.
But you're on Raya because you were in the Olympics for swimming. No, Katie, I don't even know how to swim.
Yeah, for sure. And your dad is Arnold Schwarzenegger.
No. Your cousin is The Rock? No. Your mom is the Queen of England. No.
Your brother is Raphael. Do you guys know how race works? You're the guy who gives Lance Armstrong the blood for blood doping. Blood dope guy.
What? I know. You had a sex tape that leaked and went viral. I bet I can find it. Tao. Mario Yang sex tape. 500,000 views? Is this you? What?
No, I wish. Get that away from me. You gave one of the founders a kidney, didn't you? No. You're missing a kidney. No. Get away from me.
Let me hear it. I'm trying to hear it. Listen to this.
God. This is why you never binge drink with me. I know it. This is you.
What? I can't hear anything.
Get off of me. Get off.
Is it really that crazy that I'm on Raya? That some people there thought I was cool or likable or hot?
You know what's worse than being the elitist assholes who created this app? Being the ones who put those assholes on a pedestal.
You're right. It's not so crazy to believe. Tao, I'm sorry. I don't know what that item was. It's okay.
Now to answer your question about soup. I think you both have to eat and drink.
If you like college humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of .005% of my student loan debt, you'll get shows like Total Forgiveness, where I do stunts to try to pay down said student debt, access to an exclusive Dropout Discord where I'll talk about college loans, and sketches a full week earlier, like this one about my student loans. I studied acting. You took out loans to study acting?
It's my one thing. It's my whole deal. Sign up for your free trial today. Then pay after that. I need it. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_laser_cats_5_snl | Thanks for meeting me. I really appreciate it. James, of course, and congratulations on Avatar. you know, there was sections of it that reminded me of Three Amigos. you picked up on that. that's great.
Look, I'm gonna cut to the chase, okay? I've got my next project all ready to go, and I think it's gonna be perfect for the show. Well, if you're behind it, I'll put it on the air.
Great. guys? hi! in the future, there was a nuclear war, and because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of.
Destroy The Hive for Laser Cats for first Born and Stop Laser Cats from ever existing. Radical! Godspeed, boys. welcome to the past, boys. I've been expecting you. Chief, you look exactly the same. follow me if you want to live. the Central Hive is just up ahead. we have to destroy the eggs before they hatch. Blaster! Chief was a robot. that's why he looked the same. Get away from them, you bitch! Ripley! Believe it or not. come with me if you want to live. stay alert. we're close. Laser Bats! don't change it. he's gone. we've got to move on.
Okay. my legs. I'll never walk again.
Avatar Room. thanks for the save back there. Save the love letters, kid. we'll be lucky to get out of here alive. Speaking of which. Yahtzee. these are laser kitten eggs. they're about to hatch.
Ugh. ugh. Ugh.
I'm all out of ammo. me too. Looks like this was a one-way ticket, Kim Asabi.
Space Ship! Quickly. make the connection. he's using the power of nature. it's gonna blow! Stop! Stop! we're staying.
I've got to say, this movie, combined with Avatar, could make a billion dollars.
Get Out. No, I'm serious. No, I mean Get out of my office. What if I offered you some unobtainium? No. it's really hard to get. No. okay. |
TheOnion | Tensions_Mount_After_North_Korea_Destroys_All_Of_Asia | Well, tensions with North Korea continued to mount today after the rogue nation destroyed the entire continent of Asia in a move analysts say could affect the diplomatic climate in the region. According to the Pentagon, the impact of detonating nuclear weapons across the continent on the already strained relations between North Korea and the rest of Asia remains to be seen. We strongly condemn North Korea's decision to murder four billion innocent people. The president has stated that he is personally disappointed and will bring this issue up with the surviving members of the G8 at their next conference. Expunging 95% of life from the Asian continent is a clear rejection of the six-party talks that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton recently proposed. Chinese President Hu Jintao has yet to speak out about the attack, continuing a long pattern of his nation's inaction toward North Korean saber-rattling. Further complicating things are North Korea's ambiguous statements to the Western media. We have now destroyed Asia. Europe is next with missiles to be launched this coming Thursday, then North and South America in April. It's been reported that North Korea still possesses dozens more nuclear warheads, something that will certainly come up when the UN Security Council meets next month. |
TheOnion | Old_Grizzled_Third_Party_Candidate_Threatens_McCain_s_Base | John McCain is facing new competition on the campaign trail Jane Carmichael has details in the war for the White House election analysis bunker Jane Thank You Andrea a new third-party presidential candidate is cutting into John McCain's base of support Attracting voters who feel McCain is not grizzled and ornery enough Washington's drowning in snake oil Salesman and I'm gonna run him out An independent from the Black Hills officially entered the race for the White House this morning GOP officials are worried Kress Beckler could play a spoiler role similar to Ralph Nader in 2000 Republican voters 33% said they supported McCain because he was the most cantankerous Disagreeable candidate on the ballot now Kress Beckler gives them an even more irascible option. I like him He's mad all the time. McCain is old. Is he old enough? I'm voting for a man I can imagine drowning a bag of cats now while McCain says he would refuse to speak to leaders of foreign nations Opposing the u.s. Kress Beckler has refused to ever speak to a foreigner in his life He sports a wooden leg from his service in the Spanish-american war and while McCain has spent the last 20 years in Washington Kress Beckler has been living in a mountain shack with no hot water or indoor plumbing making him a true beltway outsider now Jane Realistically does Joe Kress Beckler have a chance at the White House here Well, no, but he's connecting strongly with the conservative base voters McCain needs to win they support Kress Beckler stance on the issues. They absolutely do They feel they're even more antiquated and unhinged than McCain's really.
Yeah, for instance Here's Kress Beckler on international trade All our jobs are going to China. Now if I was president the only thing be going to China would be missiles Position on Iran you can't put a bucket over a pig's head. It'll just make him skittish Kress Beckler also promised to cut Washington red tape by replacing Congress with a horse that stomps once for yes twice for no Well Jane, thanks for all the information Now we attempted to reach Joe Kress Beckler for an interview But when our reporters approached his campaign headquarters, he told them to get off his property and stick his hound dog on them We gotta make some changes We shouldn't be teaching those calculators in school we should be teaching our kids how to work Americans a man who relies on his self Every time I go to Washington, I smell a rat fish Vipers, let's get out the cards. They go one two three And then when I'm president will kill him No, I ain't gonna be in no debate But if John McLean wants to take me on the wood splitting contest I can guarantee I can split a quarter wood quicker He can |
SaturdayNightLive | dateline_real_life_crimes_saturday_night_live | Tonight, at 10, on Dateline Nbc, a Keith Morrison special Investigation. real life crimes and stories of real people in bad situations. Sarah Hallerman's boyfriend was into drugs and get him mixed up with some gang bangers. but one night, he just didn't come home. I looked for him for weeks and weeks. finally, the police called me and they found his car. And what did they find when they opened up the trunk of that car? It was my boyfriend's body.
Oh, my. was he all right? No, he was dead. Oh, no. Then later, the all-too-real story of Jeff and Lily Bishop. when their boat capsized, they found themselves alone at sea. But were they really alone? So it was day two and we were surrounded by sharks. Oh, what was that like? it was terrible. Yeah. we both just passed out. Yeah. And when I came to, my leg was gone. Oh, did you find it? No, it had been eaten. Oh, no. I'm sorry. are you smiling? No.
I'm horrified. Then stay tuned for the most heart-wrenching story I've ever reported on. Kirk Bird. He thought he knew his wife, but did he? I'd been away on business for about a week. then I found my wife holding a knife covered in blood. she had murdered our neighbors. Oh, yeah. do you get some sort of strange delight in all this? I do. All that and an old lady on fire tonight on Dateline. |
dropout | guy_fieri_at_hogwarts | Hey everybody, I'm Guy Fieri. You know what we always say here on Triple D? If it's funky, we'll find it. Well, the bunch of you wrote and told me I just had to come check out this place, Hogwarts. Woah! We're there doing potions their way. Now let's meet the man cooking up all the potions here at Hogwarts, Severus Snake. Hello Guy. So, what are we making here today? Incendio.
They're making Polyjuice Potion. And Polyjuice Potion is used for what?
To take the form of another human being for one hour. Who's going in the pool? Leeches, powered by corn horn. And that's a fixative. No, used for magic. Nard grass, flux reeds from under a full moon. And now why are you picking that during a full moon? Because if it wasn't, it wouldn't be magic. And if it ain't magic, that's tragic. Next, shredded Boom Slang skin. I'm not just going to give it a little color. No Guy, it is again used for magic. It's amazing you have yet to grasp over it.
Mike, Mike, you gotta get a shot of these. Look at these funky, gnarly little dudes. Snape, I gotta ask, what are these funky little guys right here? These are lacewing flies, stewed for 21 days. Snape, I gotta ask you, do you buy your lacewing flies at a magic grocery store or do you stew those bad boys yourself? I suppose I stewed them myself. Homestewed lacewing flies, awesome. And last but not least, a little bit of Guy. Because everyone should try a little Guy.
Now how long are you going to let this set up? One month.
The question right here is had time to brew and Snape, I gotta be honest with you man, this is some stinky stuff. This is a funky, monkey, chunky, stunky, stinky brew. But it's ready to drink. This is ready to drink now.
What's going to happen to me? Am I going to grow horns? Am I going to look ridiculous? Oh Guy, how could you possibly look ridiculous?
I can't.
So if this is ready to drink, I will assume the position you know about the hunch. Do you know about the hunch? The Triple D hunch. Read all about it on my website GuyFieri.com. Here we go. Okay, I'm getting some of that boom slang skin, some of that not grass is coming through, but you know what the real star is though.
Those lacewing flies, they're bright, bold flavors, a little sweet, a little heat. They're a neat treat that can't be beat. You just gotta get down here to Hogwarts and check out some of the potions. My man Severus Snape is brewing up on the ring. These potions will blow your mind. He's using fresh, locally sourced ingredients and he's preparing them right.
This is simple. Obliviate. Was that a killer road trip or what? We'll see you next time on Diners, Dryden and Knives, with a dreadful tale of it. |
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