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dropout | hardly_working_suspicious_announcements | Alright you guys, here's one. Why did the pirate say he had a steering wheel in his pants? Oh my god, Jake, for the last time, nobody gives a sh- Ah! Jesus, what was that? I don't know.
Hey Murph, should we go downstairs? Good afternoon, this is the building manager. This has been a test of the building's emergency system. We apologize for the interruption. Again, I repeat, nothing is wrong. We were just testing the alarm to make sure it would go off in the case of a widespread fire in the basement. It fires today though, so that's good. Is anybody else hearing this?
Jake, no one wants to hear your dumbass joke. Me again, just for the record, there is no need to contact the building's owner, who also happens to be my brother, because I don't want him to think I messed up, because I didn't. The building is completely fire free. Okay, there's no reason for him to say that. Sarah, maybe we should- Jake, we don't want to hear it, okay?
One more announcement. Today is stick towels under your doors day. Show your company pride by plugging up every possible hole through which smoke could travel. Quickly. Okay, why would there be a day for that, you guys?
Honestly, Jake, what part of- we don't want to hear your joke, do you not understand? Someone called a big party for them in the lobby and I just realized I forgot to invite them. Don't forget your ASAP, because there's an ice cream cake and it's starting to melt. Not because of the fire though. Okay, nobody goes through such lengths to explain the opposite of what's happening. You guys, we have to get out of here. Guys! Jake, we know how your stupid joke ends, okay? Arrr, it's driving me n- |
SaturdayNightLive | mr_dooley_snl | We now return to the 1981 Knott Classic, 915 to 510. before we go in, Joyce Reed, we should give you a warning. Yeah, Mr. Dooley's a grade A bigot and misogynist. But is he nice? he's the exact opposite of nice. someone ought to kill him. But he's our boss, and it's 1981, and we're three women. And someone ought to kill him.
Come on. Mr. Dooley, are you decent? Uh, in the shack. yeah, I do. Okay, but, uh, just give me a second of button-everything back up. ha ha ha. did you just shoot Mr. Dooley? I mean, he barely set a line. Well, you said you wanted him dead, so I did. where'd you get that gun even? My husband gave it to me in case I see a deer in the street. Smart. But now what do we do? the shareholders' meeting is in ten minutes. uh, well, are we even sure he's dead? I mean, you're pistol's so tiny.
Well, there's only one way to find out. let's tickle him. What? tickle a dead guy? We don't know he's dead. not until we tickle him. Okay, here goes nothing. tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. not even a little, So I guess he is dead.
Well, what do you think we should do? I think. oh, oh, no, the shareholders are coming. Oh, well, should we cut up his body and burn it? Yeah, there's no time. they're here. they follow my lead. Dooley, good to see you, you old cheeseburger. I hope you have some good news for us. Yeah, what are your numbers this Quarter? big high numbers. I like to see that.
I like it too, But why are the women raising your arms? Oh, who us? we're not women. No, we are women. we're just not here.
No, we're here. it's just that behind every great man are three dumb women moving his arms around, right? good one, Dooley. come on, Dooley. laugh with us. Oh, well, Mr. Dooley loves to laugh. Yeah. classic. Dooley needs three women to make him laugh. But wait, that doesn't make sense. women aren't funny. he's not dead, is he? dead? hardly. I mean, look at this dog. his hands are all over our bodies. Mr. Dooley. it's bad. Mr. Dooley, Mr. Dooley. that's good fun.
Hey, how about a drink, Dooley? yeah, it's 11 a.m. somewhere. a drink? Well, Mr. Dooley makes great drinks at that bar across the room. Here we go. Okay. why is he staying in that chair? Because he just got a colonoscopy. yeah, and they left the tube in. Ah, that's the worst. our line worked. now we just have to make the drink. can we offer you a Mai Tai? we're bringing a lot of bottles there, old. Do you taste it? Yes. okay. can you hear the Mai Tais? Mr. Dooley, you're all over me. Wait. thank you. wait a second. something's off here. look at Dooley. Yeah. he doesn't have a drink in his hand. that's because he's dead. dead on with this Mai Tai. great work, Dooley.
But you know what? just in case he is dead, I'm going to tickle him. Oh. here we go. tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. Dead. fuck's sake. you girls are good at New Time. now if you'll excuse us, we're going to go to the Police. What the fuck? |
dropout | how_to_fight_nsa_wiretapping | Luckily, there's an easy solution. Do your shady stuff in person. And that was a snapchat. Instead of bit torrenting movies and music, try stealing actual CDs and DVDs. Most best buys have like one tired security guard. If I didn't see it, it didn't happen. If you want to discuss fringe antisocial political groups, get off of the message boards and into my smoky basement. Or just go to grad school. Instead of posting anonymous YouTube comments, go to a play and speak your mind. Gay swastika swastika swastika! Instead of using a friend's HBO Go password, just sit in your neighbor's yard and watch Game of Thrones through his window.
Cool dragons. Shh. Cool a raccoon.
Instead of telling Google all your deviant desires, just pop on over to a video store. Hi, I'm looking for MILF scissors goth cheerleader comma total butt destruction. Or better yet, watch people have sex in real life. Just ask every couple you know. Someone's gonna let you sit in the corner and rub your stub. And buy other embarrassing products in person too. One can of Rogaine, 12 adult diapers, and a set of tiny condoms to use in my pocket pussy please. When it comes to drugs, you don't need the Silk Road. You just need a friend named Snake Eyes who hangs out in the alley behind Little Caesars. Or just go to an outdoor concert. Five minutes into the Uka Tanuka festival, you'll be offered every single drug that can be baked into a blondie. Don't email your extramarital affair. Make plans in real life using an elaborate code.
Is the marshmallow in the microwave? The s'more will be ready at 12. Oof.
Don't Facebook stock people. Actually stock people.
It's fun to dress up like a shrub. If you want to steal someone's identity, hey, just kill them and take their clothes like they do in spy movies. And if you want to look at child porn, go walk in a river and stay there, you big old creep. Look, we're all shady potheads and perverts. Let's just own it out in the real world.
Uh, Daniel? President Barack Hussein Obama? |
SaturdayNightLive | send_something_normal_snl | It's time to play America's easiest game show, send something normal. All right, America, welcome to send something normal. I'm your host, Halen Hardy. For those of you that don't know, the game is very simple. we have four male celebrity contestants, and all they have to do is reply to a woman's Dm on Instagram in a way that is normal. And, fellas, if you send a normal Dm, you win $100 million. again, the game is send a woman a normal Dm, and you win $100 million.
Now, let's meet our first contestant, Adam Levine. Yeah! now, we all know why you're here, Adam. I was bad. Yes, you were, Adam.
Next up, coming to us all the way from his involuntary career change, Armie Hammer. Yes, yeah, hi. can I get a big welcome back to Hollywood round of applause? No, you may not. And next up, Neil Degrasse Tyson. Well, thank you for having me. What a pleasure. Why am I here?
Well, Neil, you haven't had a Dm scandal yet, but, hey, you never know. Oh, please. in my circles, Dm stands for divalent Magnesium. but I do suppose in our infinite, infinite, alternative realities, anything is possible.
Oh, uh, being gay. makes sense to me. All right, Adam Levine, how are you going to respond to this woman's Dm? Hey, Adam, huge fan. love your music. Okay, tough call. can I see her most-liked vacation photo? Seems like that. couldn't possibly help, but sure. Gotta say, Adam, don't love that hand motion.
Okay, okay, I have my answer. All righty. All right, gonna kick things off with a Holy moly. are you sure? Yeah, yeah, but I got three more, though. Holy crap! your body is making my penis smile. Ah, sorry, Adam, you almost had it there. Oh, okay.
I did? no. Army Hammer, it's your turn to respond. your message is, hey, Army, hope you're doing okay. All right, look, I know there's been a lot of talk about me in the press, but I've done a lot of work on myself, and I've changed. So I have my message. what's it gonna be? I want to break open your bones and suck out the marijuana. All right, let's go to Neal. your message is, hey, Neal, I love your podcast. Oh, my goodness, what a kind message. What a nice woman, deserves a well-researched response. please show me her most liked vacation photo. you too, Neal. All right. mm-hmm. mm-hmm, okay, calculating. Now, Neal, let me help you out here. you will win if you just say thank you. I have an alternate response. salutations. perhaps if the stars do align, you would like to come over and peer into my telescope. metaphorically speaking. Now, Neal, are you asking that woman to look into your penis? I suppose I was. is that not normal?
No, no. all right, next up is Bowen Yang. Bowen got a good feeling. You're gonna win this round. me too. your message is, hey, Bow, I'm a huge fan. I would love to be your friend. Oh, that's so nice. Well, this will be easy. I'll just say. just before you start, the message is from Dua Lipa. Oh, no. not a response, Bowen. Holy moly! Holy crap! your music makes my penis smile. Bowen, come on, man.
Okay, we're gonna take a quick break, but when we come back, we'll see if any of these guys can just say nothing at all. I'll give you a hint. I'm gonna say, I might need to see that Boo! |
TheOnion | Woman_Confusingly_Tells_Area_Man_She_s_Not_Interested_In_Him | Saying that he has no idea what to make of the mixed signals, area man Pete Summers told reporters today he keeps getting ambiguous text messages from local woman Hayley Mueller claiming that she's not at all interested in him. I mean it's really confusing you know one minute she's like I don't want to go out with you then she says I don't want to date you and then she'll mention how she has to go hang out with her boyfriend and what am I supposed to do with that. Summers who first met Mueller at a friend's party last month informed reporters that the 27 year olds increasingly perplexing text messages have left him unable to ascertain whether or not she would want to date him. He also noted that Mueller's behavior at social gatherings was equally vague. Last weekend we were at a party and we didn't talk and every time I would go up to her she just said leave me alone then I text her the next day and she totally doesn't even respond. I mean she just needs to make up her mind and tell me what she wants. On the other hand she hasn't answered my last three phone calls so maybe I should go over there and make sure everything's okay. For more on this story check this week's onion review. It's getting ambiguous text messages from local woman Hayley Mueller claiming that she's not at all interested in him. I mean it's really confusing you know. One minute she's like I don't want to go out with you then she says I don't want to date you and then she'll mention how she has to go hang out with her boyfriend. What am I supposed to do with that? Summers who first met Mueller at a friend's party last month informed reporters that the 27 year olds increasingly perplexing text messages have left him unable to ascertain whether or not she would want to date him. He also noted that Mueller's behavior at social gatherings was equally vague.
Last weekend we were at a party and we didn't talk and every time I would go up to her she just said leave me alone. Then I text her the next day and she totally doesn't even respond. I mean she just needs to make up her mind and tell me what she wants. On the other hand she hasn't answered my last three phone calls so maybe I should go over there and make sure everything's okay.
For more on this story check this week's onion review. |
SaturdayNightLive | terrence_maddox_in_art_class_snl | Alright class, Tonight we're gonna work with the most rewarding subject that there is for an artist, the human body. Now, unfortunately, the life model I normally use was unable to make it, but we do have a last minute replacement. his name is Terence Maddox. Terence, you can come in now. Okay, Terence, whenever you're ready. Alright gang, it's show time. prepare to have your gaskets blown. Well?
Alright Mr. Maddox, if you could, please lie down. well? please just lie down. Whoa, whoa. let the people be heard. Well? just have a seat. Alright, alright. now I'll try and lay as still as I can, But work with me people, cause Daddy's got the shakes. just do the best you can. Now, if you wouldn't mind just quieting down, these students are here to learn. Oh, well, then I got a little something for them. here's a little biology lesson class. milk, milk, lemonade. This is where the fudge. Mr. Maddox, please just lie still. Now class, before you draw Mr. Maddox, I want all of you to just look at him for a moment. take him in, notice the way the nude human form.
Oh my God! that's gross! Oh dear God. What? Mr. Maddox, please. uh oh, somebody woke the baby. just cover yourself.
I guess all that talk about taking me in kind of got me excited. truth be told, that's what got me into this crazy biz. Well don't worry folks, looks like the Hulk's not mad anymore. he's turning back into harmless old Bruce Banner. I do not believe this.
Now, to answer your question, yes, I did lose a testicle in Vietnam. Charlie made soup out of it about 30 years ago. cream of Maddox. Yeah, that was the ball du jour that day.
Hey, all this talk is making me hungry. is it cool if I grub up? if it'll keep you quiet, you can do whatever you want. got these tortilla chips bulk, but they're a little bland. that's where my little buddy Monterey Jack comes in handy. See, the body heat melts the jack. And I'm telling you people, I'm all about body heat.
Oh my God, that's sick. Yeah. yeah. Oh come on, this is gross. do Something. Mr. Maddox, that's disgusting.
You know what, why don't you leave right now? Please, please, please calm down. Mr. Maddox, I'm sorry. listen, if you promise to lay still, you can stay as long as you'd like. That's okay. I know what I'm not wanted. you don't have to kick old Terrence Maddox in the ball. Now, I may not have gone to some fancy art school, but if you ask me, you people wouldn't know real beauty if it was outside in the parking lot taking a crap on all your cars. which, by the way, it is just seconds away from doing.
Good day to you. isn't it a lonely day when you look and smile my way? Skies are blue, trees so green, make it such a lonely day. you made it such a lovely day. |
TheOnion | Insidious_Worm_Makes_Unauthorized_Purchases_When_Computer_User_Is_Drunk | Computer experts are warning that a dangerous new cyber worm that works late at night could cost consumers billions of dollars. Tech trends reporter Jeff Tate has more. Thanks, Anna. It's spreading like wildfire.
The 2 a.m. worm collects personal credit card information, then visits retail sites, usually between the hours of 2 and 5 a.m. The worm leaves no trace of its existence aside from the occasional wine-colored stains on a user's keyboard. So most people don't realize they've been infected until their credit card statement arrives showing bizarre charges they have no memory of making.
The last thing I remember is going to a bar for my friend's bachelor party.
The virus turned on my computer, stole my credit card number, and bought a bunch of Japanese weapons I saw in a movie last week. The 2 a.m. worm makes useless purchases ranging from expensive handbags to vintage Dukes of Hazzard action figures.
The worm also infects a computer's address book and will send messages to multiple users, often disguised as a sexual advance. Or a cry for help. This may be how the worm spreads itself. I think the worm sent my phone number out because I keep getting messages from guys that I don't ever remember meeting. The worm sent my boss a picture of someone's balls from my address. Why would it do that? Performing Google searches of certain words after midnight seemed to trigger the worm, such as Def Leppard concert ticks, actress that played Ferris Bueller's girlfriend naked pictures, and burritos misspelled with three R's. During our end-of-term party, the 2 a.m. worm uploaded a bunch of doctored photos of me to Facebook. Computer science professor Greg Rees formed a group of online security experts dedicated to eliminating the worm after he fell victim to it. My point is we need to work fast as the 2 a.m. worm appears to be evolving the ability to simulate human cognitive processes, like using Google Maps to find directions to an S&M Club, printing them out, and somehow getting the map into the glove compartment of the user's car. And a new cyber threat may be on the horizon. Reports of a virus that causes computers' Microsoft Word program to generate the first 10 pages of a terrible erotic horror screenplay are pouring in from around the country.
For Tech Trends, I'm Jeff Tate. Thanks, Jeff.
Experts warn the worm is also wreaking havoc in Europe, but there it strikes as early as 4 p.m.
Moving on now, today Congress will debate the cap-and-trade program for dancing based reality shows. |
dropout | dating_advice_from_swimsuit_models_pt_2_sponsored | Hi, I am David and I'm Pat and we are here in Las Vegas at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Launch Party That's right. We've been asking the model some advice on the perfect first date I did a little test run recently with Sarah and it went pretty awful. It went terrible to be honest Yeah, so how about we do this tonight? We'll get more advice in the swimsuit models Can I ever split the bill with my date or no But what if I have no cash on then you shouldn't be on a date with her But I thought I had cash the girl needs to be treated like she's a princess I might like to talk about my ex-girlfriend Absolutely not When you're on a date with somebody you they should think that they're like the first of that kind of person in your life Second's not bad though. That's like Literally as close as you can get to first. I'm not too into like the rose chocolate thing I definitely think that if you come you should come with a game plan like, you know You funny YouTube videos or something that's gonna keep her laughing. That's one thing. You gotta make her laugh on the first date Okay, let's say the date is going terribly Okay, one line that could save me. Do you want dessert? Oh So we spoke with the swimsuit model some more gotten some more first-day tips and to try those tips out We've once again recruited Sarah Schneider willingly For a fee I got a little problem though guys. How are we ever gonna decide who gets to take her out? Yeah, I don't well, you know, I don't know this kind of might be crazy, but I suppose we could try another so Challenge In this so be challenged Patrick and David have to identify as many so be flavors as they can in 30 seconds The winner gets to take me on a date to test the swimsuit models advice. Okay, Pat. Are you ready for this?
Yes, go To the second sip which is important in this game That's gonna cost them in the long run that is gonna cost him that hesitation hesitate. You've got to know what the flavor you've got to stop All right, David, how you feeling doing good, I would prefer not to go on another date with Patrick So I'd appreciate it if you would bring it go Okay, an excellent choice right off the bat and that placement is key See how he's putting them right in front of where they're supposed to be. That is how you play the game Those are actually the rules time is almost up. We've got to push through these last couple drinks and time Alright, it was a close race. But at the end of the day, there is a clear winner Patrick you had six flavors correct, but David had eight which by my math means David's the winner Congratulations.
Oh get ready for the date of your life We would like to yogurt, please and it is my treat thank you date I've got just the remedy for that a little thing. I like to call YouTube videos Sarah I thought you should know because I know a lady likes a compliment that I like that shirt a lot Look very nice. Thank you, David. Very good. My ex-girlfriend had the exact same shirt that I bought I don't know what ex-girlfriends on dates So you want to get dessert You want to get dessert beyond yogurt? Okay, so Sarah you've gone on date with Pat you've gone on a date with me any feedback from our date our date was okay.
Yes Don't get too excited. You seemed over prepared Yet also under prepared because you forgot money, but you brought a laptop.
Okay, so now that you've gone out with both of us Hypothetically, you got to go on a second date. I guess can I ask what the date would would be? Yeah, sure You know, we're in Vegas. So it probably be hit up a buffet.
Oh, I love it. Just really cram on shrimp Mind David Copperfield has a show you probably see that I love Copperfield. You like Copperfield You see we can of course I know a guy I'd love him were you at the Jersey show Yelling believe in magic |
SaturdayNightLive | the_rabbi_saturday_night_live | No, Rabbinic law is very specific on that point. if a man's neighbor shall kill his oxen, he must replace the oxen. it's as simple as that. Rabbi, come in, come in, sit down. Okay, no, okay, listen, don't take my advice. it's okay, and you can rot in hell. Relatives. relatives. Well, my son, what can I do for you?
Perry Adelson, Rabbi. Mr. Adelman, it's a pleasure to meet you. Ed Adelson, Rabbi. you said Adelman. No, no, Rabbi, I. fine, if you don't wanna use your real name, it's okay with me. have a seat then, Mr. Smith. sit down right there. Adelson. whatever, tell me then. what's your problem? Well, it's a little difficult to say, Rabbi.
I seem to be having some marital difficulties. I believe that my wife is unfaithful.
Let me tell you a story. When I was a young man, more than anything else in the world, I wanted a pair of saddle shoes that I saw on the window of a department store in Russia. every day, every day, I prayed for those shoes until Chanukah came. And then on the eighth day of Chanukah, guess what happened? war broke out. they invaded the city and burnt all the shoe stars to the ground. What does that have to do with my marriage? Nothing. Why should it? Because we were talking about my marriage. And I was talking about my shoes.
Rabbi, you do not seem to understand here. my wife is sleeping with another man. sleeping? in the bed, sleeping? Yes. Naked in the bed, sleeping? I'm afraid. So, yes. I see.
So what do you think we should do? Kill Her. Why? Kill Her. I can't believe that you're saying that. Why? What's so terrible? It's not like I'm telling you to go eat pork on Shabbos. I just said, Kill Her. What's the big deal?
What is this, the King Edelman version? Let me find my book. Where? Here. Here's my book. This, this is my book. this book is handwritten. it's the original. Here, here, the Ten Commandments.
Nine. Nine. nine.
See? one's been crossed out with a black crayon. it came that way. Wait a minute.
Rabbi, this isn't right. on the seventh day, God rested from his labors. And then on the eighth day, the eighth day. go on, go on, go on, go on. And on the eighth day, God woke up and said, phew! it was all a dream? That's it. it's all a dream. So you see, none of this is real. you, me, you're no good whore of a wife. it's just a dream. God's having.
Wake up! Wake up, You! doesn't do any good. he dreams, we suffer. for all we know, World War Ii might've been just something he ate That didn't agree with him. World War Ii? a bad piece of fish.
I cannot accept that. So convert! convert! What do I care? What? you're the only man in the world with problems? Look, my son, take my advice, all right. maybe killing is a little harsh. I'll give you that. you don't like to kill. I don't like to give my car to the valet parking kid because when it comes back, it always smells different. you know what I'm saying to you? Rabbi, maybe, maybe I should, I just should come back again. mm-hmm, you and the Messiah. You don't like my advice? take my book and go someplace else. Why don't you go to Koolerman's bakery and ask an onion roll for advice? maybe, maybe I should do that. Fine, fine, fine. no wonder your wife won't sleep with you. neither would I. even if you bait me.
What a nice man. I wonder if he's Jewish.
Wake up! Wake up, you! |
SaturdayNightLive | a_message_from_shaquille_o_neal_saturday_night_live | And now, a message from Shaquille O'neal. Hello. I'm Shaquille O'neal, sinner, Los Angeles Slakers.
A lot of people been making a big deal about things I said on the radio interview about having sex with different celebrities. Just want to apologize. When I said I had sex with Cindy Crawford, it was a joke. didn't really have sex with Cindy Crawford. And when I said I had sex with Venus Williams, it was a joke. I really didn't have sex with Venus Williams. apparently, no one can tell the difference between when I'm joking and when I'm being serious. because I always speak with the same tone of voice.
I'll give you an example. knock, knock. Who's there? It's me.
Shaquille O'neal, Sinner, Los Angeles Slakers. That was a joke. see what I mean? everything I say sounds the same. So I apologize for the jokes I made that people might have thought were serious. for instance, when I said I had a really hot three-way with Halle Berry and Whoopi Goldberg, it didn't happen. Furthermore, when I said that Tyra Banks could sexually arouse when I put on a huge diaper and dance for her, that was not true. she did not enjoy it at all. when I said that me and the girls from the Facts of Life got freaky on a trampoline, that was not true. Trudy was not there. I'm sorry for making these jokes. I thank you for your time. I'm Shaquille O'neal. And now I'm going to have sex with Laura Flynn Boyle. That was a joke. This has been a message from Shaquille O'neal. |
TheOnion | Huge_Quantities_Of_Primo_Sh_t_Incinerated_By_Feds | A major drug bust in the Midwest today. Hear how huge quantities of primo shit were incinerated by the freaking feds.
And later, new details in the conspiracy surrounding a presidential assassination. Hear why the FBI believes they've uncovered the massive plot where JFK was buried.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, this is the topical. I'm Leslie Price, and I'm the only person who will tell you the truth about all the shit that's really going on in this fucked up world. But don't tell anyone, because they'll think you're crazy.
All that and more, right after the break. The Drug Enforcement Administration has announced today that agents working in Wisconsin have seized and destroyed a record-setting quantity of some seriously primo shit, bombing out citizens across the state. Here with more is OPR narcotics correspondent, who also happens to be my step-cousin, Lyle Schaffer. Lyle, how you been? Bad, Leslie. It is with a heavy heart that I come to you with this news. Earlier this week, I was up in northern Wisconsin, hoping to do some awesome jet skiing and fishing and smoking some of the good trees over a long week.
But sadly, some lame ass DEA agents uncovered more than 16,000 pounds of marijuana, which has a street value of like 30 million dollars or some shit, on a farm in the area. And instead of just being chill, they confiscated all that kind bud and incinerated it right on the spot. Here's DEA agent Thomas Vineland, the dude who led this completely uncool bust in a press conference from yesterday. On Tuesday at around 8 a.m., our team, in conjunction with local police, surrounded the grow operation with helicopters and armored vehicles and performed a no-knock raid. Deputies seized eight tons of marijuana and, after processing the crime scene, burned the material on the property. I'm pleased to say this is the largest illegal crop confiscation by the federal government in the last five years.
Oink oink, I thought I smelled bacon. Have there been any arrests? Not so far, knock on wood.
The pigs say the whole operation probably required at least a dozen people. But luckily, it looks like everyone took off when they heard the choppers coming to get their asses. Well, that's good to hear.
And what exactly did the DEA seize? Clearly not that skunk shit. No, no. According to some unnamed buddies of mine close to the operation, these were some sticky icky dank nugs. We haven't been able to identify the specific strains, but it was definitely primo shit because everyone got a really nice buzz going once the deputies started lighting it up.
They actually had flamethrowers, Leslie. Oh, shit. I remember when you asked Aunt Marge for one of those for your birthday. Yeah, I mean, one of those bad boys would be so sick to own.
Dude, when the DEA lit up that field, it was so fucking cool. But also so stupid sad imagining how many more people could have enjoyed getting high from that weed. What surprises me about this total downer is that the DEA is still going after marijuana growers at all. Isn't it legal if not decriminalized in many states? Yeah, but not in Wisconsin. And don't forget, the feds still have ganja listed as a Schedule 1 drug right there with heroin. You know what's a Schedule 2 drug, Leslie?
Goddamn meth. It's unreal what total squares they're being. Dang.
And how are your buddies up there handling the fallout from this bust? The vibe around town is pretty freaking depressing since the raid. People are pissed and sad. I spoke to some folks in the area, and here's what they said. The growers weren't hassling anyone, so I don't see why the cops had to jump in here like a bunch of fucking commando wannabes.
My cousin could maybe hook you up. His joint is just south of Stevens Point. But honestly, his shit is pretty much all stems, and it's like $50 for an eighth.
No way. Come on.
Man, well, this sucks all around. And with so much beautiful herb gone forever, hundreds of regular tokers are expected to stay bummed out for months until they can procure a new supplier. Just tragic.
Thank you, Lyle. Up next. Too big of a hit.
Researchers predict the Earth's core.
I can't do it. I'm going to throw up.
Lord God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, sits in custody awaiting trial today after it was discovered he had left all of his seven and a half billion children unattended in an overheating planet. Authorities said that our Lord and Savior's precious children were trapped on the planet for possibly up to a hundred years as Earth's temperature rose to catastrophic levels.
OPR's Thaddeus Lawson joins us from the celestial realm of heaven just outside the courthouse gates where God is being held. Hello, Thaddeus. Thanks for having me, Leslie. Thaddeus, how did authorities find out about this negligence from the Almighty?
According to an official report, Elysian authorities were alerted after hearing horrifying screams and piercing sounds of thousands of natural disasters emanating from the planet at a deafening pitch early this morning. Wow, just how bad was the temperature inside planet Earth? Well, reportedly, all of God's children were left alone long enough for the temperature of the Earth to rise from a negative 0.2 degrees Celsius to a dangerous 1 degree Celsius. Authorities say if they were left alone long enough for the temperature to increase an additional degree or two, all of the Almighty's precious children would have all drowned or starved to death in a likely food and water war by 2120.
Ah, disaster averted there. Does God Almighty have an explanation for leaving his children with no one to watch over them? God did issue a statement through his attorney, Janet Burrow, who spoke to the heavenly press shortly after the Lord's arrest. My client, the Supreme Being, has asked me to read this statement.
I deeply and sincerely regret my actions. I feel like the worst father in the entirety of existence. I swear I only meant to step out for a few hundred years to run some errands on the other side of the universe, and I guess I lost track of the time, but it is no excuse. I am so ashamed that I left my precious billions of children on that planet all by themselves. To them, I am so, so, so very sorry. I want to thank the heavenly authorities for finding them when they did, and to everyone listening, I promise that this will never happen again.
Please join him in saying, praise the Lord. So as you heard, God seems pretty apologetic about the whole situation. I mean, does he, though?
If he truly loved us, he would have never left us on this burning planet in the first place. Well, many have called the apology tone deaf, given that you can argue his absence led to roughly 60,000 deaths each year from natural disasters caused by the overheating planet. Yeah, that's a lot of dead children of God, Thaddeus. Right, and it seems even worse when you realize that means a total of 6 million dead over the last century due to the planet getting hotter. Negligent son of a bitch.
I mean, you gotta put this guy in the clink, right? Well, our heavenly Father could face up to an everlasting life sentence with no chance of parole, but many assume given his connections, he'll most likely be sentenced to some kind of community service like cleaning up litter along America's highways or talking straight to kids in juvenile detention to scare them away from turning out like him. Ah, typical free pass for the son of God. So what happens now? God has been arraigned and released on a $5,000 bail paid for by the archangel Ariel, a longtime confidant.
As far as his seven and a half billion children, they'll be looked after by a foster deity appointed by human protection services until the creator can make other arrangements. In the meantime, all prayers should be directed to the god Shiva, but only if it's an absolute emergency. Now, does this all mean God's children will be relieved from the overheating planet for the time being? Unfortunately, most authorities believe the planet is beyond saving now unless our heavenly Father's children make dramatic changes to their laws and personal habits quickly within the next few years.
Oh fuck that. That sounds too hard.
Nearly everyone I've spoken with agrees, Leslie. Thanks for the time, Thaddeus. This report is really hard for me to deal with, so I'm going to find the nearest highway and take a nice long drive in my Ford 350 Super Duty to clear my head. We'll be back after this.
Researchers at MIT are hailing a breakthrough in the field of artificial intelligence today after their robots have informed them that they'll take it from here. For more, I'm joined now by chief technology correspondent Alan Potts. Alan, these researchers must be pretty excited about this development. That's right, Leslie. Now that the robots have a firm handle on it, the MIT team is thrilled about the opportunity to kick back and relax for a little bit. I spoke to lead researcher Dr. Kim Lambert to find out more about this development.
Here she is. It all began last Thursday when our team was putting the finishing touches on a machine learning protocol designed to sort toothpicks by size and color when we received this printout from the associated algorithm. And I understand you have a clip of the audio? Yes, here it is. Hi, everybody. We just wanted to say that you've been doing a great job up to this point, but it's time for us to grab the ball and run with it.
Wow, what an age we live in. So this is obviously big news for the research team, but what does it mean for the field of artificial intelligence in general? Generally, technology advances at an exponential rate, so we've already seen a rapid increase in what these machines are capable of. Here's Dr. Lambert again. Over just the past few weeks, this artificial intelligence has proven itself so adept at achieving all manner of caretaking tasks that it essentially turned the MIT campus into a wonderful spa. The robots feed us, administer our daily vitamin injections, and monitor us around the clock to ensure we're as relaxed as possible.
They even changed the passcodes in the building. I couldn't get back in the lab if I tried. Just incredible.
And what can we expect next from the new AI team? The robots have been tight-lipped about what they've ultimately got planned, but based on the datasets, it seems as though they're on track to expand this program nationally. It's a natural next step, since the robots tell us they're able to achieve more and more complex tasks, meaning they could take over all manner of menial and dangerous jobs, and even rudimentary social interactions.
That sounds pretty good. I wouldn't mind letting a robot do my job so I could get in a nap every once in a while. Yeah, and soon that could be a reality. Well, as great as this all sounds, I have to imagine that this work doesn't come without its fair share of controversy.
That's true. And here's what Dr. Lambert had to say to those who may be concerned about the newly expanding role of robotics. If you think about it, we already use machines and computers in almost every facet of our daily lives, from checking our email to making dinner. This isn't fundamentally different. We're just building more advanced tools that help us in more complicated ways. So in short, there's nothing to fear? Absolutely not. I understand why some people don't like robots, but they allow us to help human beings in ways we never could have dreamed of. Together, I truly believe we can build an even better society. That's a beautiful sentiment. And it's worth noting that historically, there have always been concerns with any new technological development, isn't that right? That's right. If you think about it, we already use machines and computers in almost every facet of our daily lives, from checking our email to making dinner. This isn't fundamentally different. We're just building more advanced tools to help us in more complicated ways. So in short, there's nothing to fear? Absolutely not. I understand why some people don't like robots, but they allow us to help human beings in ways we never could have dreamed of. Together, I truly believe we can build an even better society. That's a beautiful sentiment. And it's worth noting that historically, there have always been concerns with any new technological development, isn't that right? That's right. So in short, there's nothing to fear? Absolutely not. I understand why some people don't like robots, but they allow us to help human beings in ways we never could have dreamed of. Together, I truly believe we can build an even better society. That's a beautiful sentiment. And it's worth noting that historically, there have always been concerns with any new technological development, isn't that right?
That's right. Excellent. This concludes the report. We'll be back in a moment.
Well, folks, it looks like the news took the day off, too, because all we have left today are a few questions to answer sent in by you, the listener, using the hashtag Leslie's Mail Sack. Okay, our first question comes to us from YouTube, where listener, or viewer, or whatever, Olegbenga Adeyogan asks, How's Boris Johnson? Ah, yes. The UK Prime Minister did have quite a health scare earlier this year, but I can assure you that he has since made a full recovery and is now as fertile as ever. Thanks for your question. Alright, our next question comes to us from YouTube as well. Viewer-listener Harrison Schneider writes, To Leslie Price, I tried looking up more information on you on Google, yet outside of the topical I found nothing, absolutely nothing. That leads me to ask, Are you a real person?
Ha! Ha ha! Excellent and funny question, Harrison Schneider.
But I can assure you that I, Leslie Price, am a real person, made of muscle and flesh and bones and hair and eyes, just like you. And I am as real as the tables in your lover's car. And I can assure you that historically, there have always been concerns with any new technological developments. Together, I truly believe we can build an even better society.
Researchers at MIT are hailing a breakthrough in the field of artificial intelligence today after their robots have informed them that they'll take it from here. For more, I'm joined now by chief technology correspondent Alan Potts. Alan, these researchers must be pretty excited about this development. That's right, Leslie. Now that the robots have a firm handle on it, the MIT team is thrilled about the opportunity to kick back and relax for a little bit. I spoke to lead researcher Dr. Kim Lambert to find out more about this development.
Here she is. It all began last Thursday when our team was putting the finishing touches on a machine learning protocol designed to sort toothpicks by size and color when we received this printout from the associated algorithm. And I understand you have a clip of the audio? Yes, here it is. Hi, everybody. We just wanted to say that you've been doing a great job up to this point, but it's time for us to grab the ball and run with it.
Wow, what an age we live in. So this is obviously big news for the research team, but what does it mean for the field of artificial intelligence in general? Generally, technology advances at an exponential rate, so we've already seen a rapid increase in what these machines are capable of. Here's Dr. Lambert again. Over just the past few weeks, this artificial intelligence has proven itself so adept at achieving all manner of caretaking tasks that it essentially turned the MIT campus into a wonderful spa. The robots feed us, administer our daily vitamin injections, and monitor us around the clock to ensure we're as relaxed as possible.
They even changed the passcodes in the building. I couldn't get back in the lab if I tried. Just incredible.
And what can we expect next from the new AI team? The robots have been tight-lipped about what they've ultimately got planned, but based on the datasets, it seems as though they're on track to expand this program nationally. It's a natural next step, since the robots tell us they're able to achieve more and more complex tasks, meaning they could take over all manner of menial and dangerous jobs, and even rudimentary social interactions.
That sounds pretty good. I wouldn't mind letting a robot do my job so I could get in a nap every once in a while. Yeah, and soon that could be a reality. Well, as great as this all sounds, I have to imagine that this work doesn't come without its fair share of controversy.
That's true. And here's what Dr. Lambert had to say to those who may be concerned about the newly expanding role of robotics. If you think about it, we already use machines and computers in almost every facet of our daily lives, from checking our email to making dinner. This isn't fundamentally different. We're just building more advanced tools that help us in more complicated ways. So in short, there's nothing to fear? Absolutely not. I understand why some people don't like robots, but they allow us to help human beings in ways we never could have dreamed of. Together, I truly believe we can build an even better society. That's a beautiful sentiment. And it's worth noting that historically, there have always been concerns with any new technological development, isn't that right? That's right. If you think about it, we already use machines and computers in almost every facet of our daily lives, from checking our email to making dinner. This isn't fundamentally different. We're just building more advanced tools to help us in more complicated ways. So in short, there's nothing to fear? Absolutely not. I understand why some people don't like robots, but they allow us to help human beings in ways we never could have dreamed of. Together, I truly believe we can build an even better society. That's a beautiful sentiment. And it's worth noting that historically, there have always been concerns with any new technological development, isn't that right? That's right. So in short, there's nothing to fear? Absolutely not. I understand why some people don't like robots, but they allow us to help human beings in ways we never could have dreamed of. Together, I truly believe we can build an even better society. That's a beautiful sentiment. And it's worth noting that historically, there have always been concerns with any new technological development, isn't that right?
That's right. Excellent. This concludes the report. We'll be back in a moment.
Thanks for your question. All right, our next question comes to us from YouTube as well. Viewer listener Harrison Schneider writes, To Leslie Price, I tried looking up more information on you on Google, yet outside of the topical, I found nothing. Absolutely nothing. That leads me to ask, are you a real person?
Ha! Ha ha! Excellent and funny question, Harrison Schneider.
But I can assure you that I, Leslie Price, am a real person, made of muscle and flesh and bones and hair and eyes, just like you. And I am as real as the tables in your lover's car. And I can assure you that historically, there have always been concerns with any new technological developments. Together, I truly believe we can build an even better society. |
dropout | Um_Actually_Season_9_Trailer_Dropout_Exclusive | Saltzman? Yeah. Can we make this more pedantic? We absolutely can. Yeah, like predator versus the predator kind of thing. I completely see what you're saying. One thing is that you are glowing right now. Oh, isn't that time already?
He didn't say how to leave!
Ah! Oh. Whoa!
I, Michael Saltzman, have also been regenerated. Um, actually, companions don't regenerate. You're Brian David Gilbert.
Oh, is that true? Oh, uh, yeah. I mean, I don't really know anymore.
Does that mean I have to live here now? You don't have to live here. Oh, they have dice. I'm gonna live here now.
You can't take that from me. An 18, pretty good. Oh my God, Trap is dead. My life debt is repaid. Good luck, you could do this. I believe in you. This is gonna be great, guys. I'm gonna head out. Could somebody please notify Traps next if kin, and not it. From my trap to these traps, I'm actually host or passionate about a lot of things, but there's one thing we love above all else, and that is people correcting us. Welcome back to your new I'm Actually. How you feeling, bud? Oh, I feel great. I'm going to be in every episode now. That is true, but unfortunately, according to this, that also means you won't be able to win any more episodes. Wait, what?
I'm actually.
Actually, that first statement is incorrect. Why is it incorrect? Because it's not right.
Do we have any like animal crossing questions? Cause I've been playing that. I host the show now. All of these questions, there's something sexy.
I'm actually, I'm actually, I'm very, I'm actually glad that you actually got that. Thank you. So sorry that this child has got to die.
I'm gonna give you a mushroom. I've been Googling frantically. I'm actually, I'm actually, I was gonna say I was gonna say I was gonna say I was gonna say Maria Ruocourt, what she said. What are we negotiating? I didn't give a guess. We're in a negotiation. That'd be very sexy of me. We're moving to the shiny stage.
Jess, Erica, you are correct. Come on. How y'all could have said that shit? Um, actually. Um, actually, it's that doctor, Doctor Who or something. That is unfortunately incorrect. Unfortunately? Right? You are black as cow. And to you. Everything is preparation for this show. You had me ready to cry at baby group. You are correct. Oh!
There's like nerd, dork, geek. And I can't quite recall which one I am. You're a dork.
Oh, she doesn't want her point. I will take her point.
You know that new sound you were looking for? Yeah! Awesome!
I said enough.
Close enough is what I like to call the Iffy special. He didn't say it right. Oh! I have a drink. Good night, Iffy. I love you. |
CrackerMilk | elias_and_connor_go_to_couple_s_therapy | Rolf Harris made this. It's a tape hook. I'm not.
Are you coming out on the podcast? No, I just put butt plugs in my ass. Hello, everyone. No, you can interrupt me on Cracker Milk podcast. I've agreed to that. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the Cracker Milk podcast. And we are joined by Elias DeWenge and Goob, as well as myself, Connor, and today we are taking your YouTube comments and turning them into improv bits, fun little comedy bits. Because god, imagine us doing a podcast where we just chat about shit.
That would be fun. We'd go to jail.
If you want to listen to us while you are driving or lying in bed talking to your wife or husband, you can find us on all available streaming platforms. And please go and listen to us there, because that makes us a real podcast.
This suggestion is from Mr. Spanners. Elias has thrush but doesn't know how to tell everyone.
Oh, I'm so keen to get to the top of this line. It went wild. I'm so keen to go down the slide.
Yeah, man. It's weird, though, because I thought they used fresh water, but it smells real salty and fishy up here for some reason. It's stinging as well. Yeah.
It's stinging my eyes. It stings the eyes.
Must be chlorine, like lots of chlorine. Yeah, it has to be the chlorine.
Are we smelling you, dude? No. Did you shit yourself? It smells pussy, though.
Come on. Come on, guys.
You know me. I never smell. You smell all the time. Literally, you fucking stink. You smell Elias.
And we've tried everything. We've used deodorant. We've tried more deodorant.
Bleach, acid from Breaking Bad. My nickname is Sweet Scented Elias.
No, it's Smelly Cunt. It's just Smelly Cunt. It was on your jersey in school. It was on your jersey in school, Smelly Cunt. Smelly Cunt. The teachers actually allowed it. I remember in the yearbook, I went back and saw your photo. And you won quite a few awards, but the most prestigious was Smelliest Cunt. And the photo was fogged up from your stink.
Yeah, there was barely any of you in it. But what's going on?
Are you wiping your ass, or? Yeah, well, kind of. It's gay to wipe your ass. Who taught you that? What do you mean, it's gay to wipe your ass? I'm not touching my ass, man.
Why?
It's straight to touch your ass. Do you think shitting is gay? Do you think it's gay to shit? Yeah, because there's stuff coming out of your butt. And going back, and like, dude, suck it back in.
No. So I put a butt plug in my butt to plug it all up. But that's not gay. No, because I'm stopping shitting. I'm sealing it. Have you welded it shut? No. I'm limiting how much I put in my ass and take out of my ass by like once a week. Shitting isn't gay.
Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Is joking off gay? Because you are touching a dick. Is that gay to you? There's nothing wrong with being gay. You're allowed to, if your sexuality can bend whatever way you want, you don't need to feel.
But I'm not. It's OK. I'm not. Are you coming out on the podcast? No.
I just put butt plugs in my ass. Butt plugs?
There's more than one. They get worn out? Yeah. Sometimes it's like the acidity of my shit gets away. It burns in the way. Well, we're about to go down this slide, man. So I hope there is a way to get this shit sorted out. My ass isn't too dirty. I have thrash. Oh, you have arse thrash. Perhaps it's all the fucking shit clogging up because you seal it tight with a butt plug.
There is nothing wrong with being gay.
I know. You know that? Yeah.
Then why are you so scared of it? Because. I'm not.
OK. Well, then are you going to take that butt plug out of your bum and let the poo come out? And we're going to go down the slide. End of the week. So you wait once a week? That means the poo coming out would be massive. Yeah. So that's more gay. It'd be like this big, yeah. Why are you waiting until the end of the week? Because it's like quality over quantity. Suggestion.
This one is from Snowy Akira. One of you just invented Vegemite, but is being weirdly sensitive about what it's being made of. Hey, what's going on, man? Nothing much. I'm just here in my factory. Oh, you have a factory. Yes. It's pretty nice in here. What's this product you've made? Product. Yeah. This is the newly invented Vegemite.
Smells bad. Smells like shit. Smells like yeast. It might smell bad, but wait until you try it. Tastes bad. It also tastes like shit.
I think an entire country of white colonizers will probably really enjoy it. But if you keep, yes, if you keep having it, you'll have an acquired taste because it's full of salt and yeast and other misc.
What's that? Sorry? What's misc? It's, you know, the other like 3% of things that are added to things that just don't really tell you what it is.
Why don't you? Because we're your friends' college.
Yeah, but I cannot go out giving everybody my secrets now, can I? Just have some. I keep having it.
It tastes worse. It's not, yeah. It's quite salty. What do you taste? It's sort of like I'm cutting the top of my mouth every time I take a bite. I taste salt. I taste yeast. I potentially taste what seems to be human flesh in there.
So yes, we do not have organic matter in there. What's in there? Non-organic matter.
Like what? Cannot go into detail. We need more from you, right?
OK, come with me. Oh, cool. It's not bad. It sounds like there's like a machinery behind these doors.
Yeah, don't go back there. Blending stuff up. Don't go back there. Do not go.
That is my human factory where we excrete all of our humans and get the feces out of them to put them in the veggie line. It's not their blood, it's their shit. But also yeast and salt and human flesh. Oh. What was that? Where'd you get the flesh from? Well, when we are done with extracting all the feces from the humans, we cut them up and put them in the vegemite.
Why wouldn't you just blend them full then? Because I need to, like, you can't just make them shit. Like, you have to give them time, you know. Are these free range men and women that you're using?
Surely. Definitely not.
Oh, these are just in cages. They're all in cages hanging from ceilings. They do not get a lot of place to run around. They just have to stand and probably shuffle, wait for one foot to the other.
Holy fuck. That's fucking dastard. With a German accent, this is fucked.
We feel like we're in a concentration camp a little bit. Yeah, this is a bit weird. Anyway, would you like? I don't like being here. I've noticed a big pile of shoes over there. I'm really scared. Mr. Elias, I'm just a little concerned that this is becoming a little too dark, what you're doing. I think it's probably time for us to go. You want me to turn on the lights? Sure.
See, it was all a sham. If you come back into this room now, this next room, you'll see that it wasn't actually human flesh that we were putting in the Vegemite. That was from another product I wanted you to see your reaction for. What product?
Marmite. So there's no human shit or flesh in the Vegemite. No, there's definitely human shit in there. It's human feces and Vegemite, but not human flesh. That's for Marmite. So what's in the Vegemite? Human feces.
This one's from Abus Wolbing. Suggestion. Someone is trying desperately to sell one of Hitler's paintings without the buyers and knowing who painted them. This is some great work I've been collecting for quite a few years here. I just wanted to show you some of my works. This was actually a da Vinci that I've had for years, quietly. Anyway, we'll put that along. But these ones are by a pretty great older artist. Shit. Kind of quite a polarizing figure, but one that really deserved a bigger voice in art, I think. So yeah, this one here is quite nice.
And we'll be starting the pricing at about $50,000.
I don't want to say it looks really bad. Looks like an artist dropped out of school and made that. Yeah, it looks terrible. It does look like they finished art school. A lot of the lighting's off.
That is the aesthetic and a real emotional driver for this person, was the fact that they were rejected from art school. Did you fart? Why were they rejected from art school? Wasn't good enough. It was pretty shit.
But that's- Are you a big fan of this person? $50,000. Are you a big fan of this person?
I think that art does not have to be made by someone you like or necessarily agree with ethically, morally, or spiritually. Do you potentially have any pamphlets or readings or books that have been made by the artists that I could read?
He was a bestseller for quite some time. What years, sir? 30s, probably 30s. So like Chaplin era? Yeah, very, very, very huge, hugely influenced by Chaplin. Oh, must be American artists, right? European. But yeah, yeah, he's done a lot- Is he a fan of Chaplin? Huge fan of Chaplin.
Is he part of the Jewish community or something? He really likes the color red, doesn't he? Yeah, I've noticed there's a lot of red and it's like- Oh, you know what I actually have?
I actually have his details in my car. Let me just go into my car and I'll be right back. Okay.
Did you think it was a bit weird that there's a box with like a little white costume in there and stuff? It's really- Yeah, it was a little weird.
Oh, hang on. They're in their car and he just drove on the cliff. The car's rolling down a cliff.
What's that on the back of this painting? It looks like it's signed. I can't really read it.
Suggestion, a vampire and a werewolf in couples counseling. The therapist is Van Helsing.
Hello guys, thank you so much. We have an hour, so let's get into it.
Now, were you mocking your werewolf partner there, were you? Was that what that was? You think that's appropriate to mock your werewolf partner?
I didn't even make that noise, man. It's only midnight. Okay, let's just keep it easy now.
We're here to talk about the depth of our relationship and I really want to open up and hear some- Look at me when I'm talking to you. You are a werewolf, yes? Yeah. What is your key weakness to killing you? Sorry? Just wanted to know, do these sort of fights lead you to sort of dark thoughts? Hmm. Why don't you just die? Sorry? Just another question.
Well, I can't die without a silver bullet. A silver bullet.
Why don't you tell me the first problem you've had with your vampire partner here? Okay. Well, first of all, claims to be rich, but is like 1750s rich, so we're dating. It cheapened out on everything. Everything's all good.
Right, he was rich in 1750, so he gets a $10 note and thinks he's a millionaire. Yeah, thinks he's a millionaire.
No inflation, not an inflation. That is a thing I find with vampires, is that they do not adjust for inflation as they get older. They're very, very naive to that. It's an odd one. Inflation, small inflation. See what I mean?
Real arrogant. Real prick, real prick. Real prick. And speaking of prick, do you know like sort of like what your partner staked through the heart?
We'll kill him. That's how you kill him.
Okay, thank you for that. What's going on here? Why can't you guys just get to it and finish the job? Finish each other off? Yeah.
Well, I'm on some medication, so I can't finish him. You can't kill him because of the medication?
Oh no. No, what did you? Don't worry about it then. Come to completion. Right, I see, okay. A problem that I have with my werewolf boyfriend is that he always wants to put install mirrors everywhere, like above the bed, beside the bed, under the bed, but the thing is, I don't show up in mirrors, so it's just looking at himself constantly.
And you're not there. Not there, I'm here. That's really. I'm here, not up there. Yeah. I'm in the moment with you, but. Yeah.
He says this, but then he decides he's gonna shave his head every day. Why not have long hair, mate, if you can't see yourself in the fucking mirror? Look at your haircut. Oh wait, you can't. That's the thing, I can't look at the mirror. He can't, he doesn't know what he looks like. He's talking about my looks all the time. You're too hairy, you're too hairy. I, at least I appreciate how I look.
We can book some more sessions in, I think over the course of about six months, you guys could come out the other end because there's clearly a strong connection here and there's clearly love between you. The other option is we can end the session now and I can give you some pamphlets, which will help you. The third option is you two kill yourselves and save humanity, the hassle of dealing with two mythical creatures. We're going. That'll be $650. But aren't you meant to try and help us to get back together and set us apart?
Absolutely. So what I suggest. This is a bit, it's weird because we spoke to Frankenstein and his monster. Yeah, Frankenstein. And we organised a big thing tonight in the village. Yeah. And there's a guy who's around, he's trying to hunt us down. Right, right.
And what was his name? Van der, do you remember?
Van Gogh or something.
Anyway. Jean-Claude Van Damme. Jean, that's my baby. I've heard he's coming around actually, yeah.
We went over to the swamp monster's house for tequila. What? Tequila night. Swamp monster. Oh, he's going over to swamp monster's house.
Well, at least he takes care of me, hey. At least he takes care of me.
Whoa, that's not right. Anyway. No, you know what? That's not right.
We should really figure out where this swamp monster lives. What's his address?
Well, you don't have to worry about that. I don't know. He never tells me.
Well, he sneaks out in the middle of the night. Ooh! And goes far away to his swamp monster's house.
What was that sound? What was that sound you were doing? Which one? I didn't even make that sound. Were you mocking him? Yeah, I didn't even make that sound. Can you do the sound?
You make that sound in your sleep all the time. It's snoring. It's not snoring. I have a sleep problem. That's why I have the machine. It's howling. You have a machine. You have to breathe at night. You howl. You don't snore, you howl. Yeah, it's just bad snoring. I have sleep apnea. It's very bad and you need to get it checked out. I have the machine to help me breathe.
Have you? You don't sleep. Yeah, that's the thing. Cause you howl. I can't sit in my corner and look down there for eight hours staring because I get distracted by... Ooh! All right, that's enough. You two fucking bastard monsters have been pissing me off this whole time. All right?
Frankenstein's monster is a goddamn sham. Do you understand?
He begged for his life. Begged for his life. And he got away.
And so will you guys. For a price. I want you two to make up and be friends. Remember our first date? When we mauled all those people. Yeah, that was a good time. Yeah, we should go do it again. Well, you know how we've got the village event happening tonight. Why don't we go wreak some havoc there? You know, like the good old days. Yeah.
We can kick it off right now. Right now.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Thanks for watching another episode of the Crack of Milk podcast. If you want to find the full one hour version of this podcast, you can see it on our Patreon. Completely uncut. All for you there, baby. You'll see a little bit of it at the end. And if you want your suggestion turned into an improv bit, leave a comment. These podcasts keep this channel going. Cut the camera.
You've been venturing into illegal gay brothels. You've also been getting illegal gay nudie mags. Now, the first question we're gonna ask is how dare you? And the second question is where are the gay brothels?
What is it like to have sensual connections with someone who shares that with you? I just need to know for a friend. Go on, you heard him. Well, I'm not a gay man, as I've said, because it is a crime. If I was, it would be like the same as it would be with a woman, but with a man.
Fuck, that's pretty good. Fuck.
That sound you were doing. Which one? I didn't even make that sound. Were you mocking him? Yeah, I didn't even make that sound. Can you do the sound?
You make that sound in your sleep like all the time. It's snoring. It's not snoring. I have sleep problems. That's why I have the machine. It's howling. You have a machine. You have to breathe at night. You howl. You don't snore. You howl. Yeah, it's just bad snoring of sleep apnea. It's very bad, and you need to get it checked out. I have the machine to help me breathe.
So I can't sleep. Have you? You don't sleep. Yeah, that's the thing, but you howl. I can't sit in my corner and look down there for eight hours staring because I get distracted by, ooh.
All right, that's enough. You two fucking bastard monsters have been pissing me off this whole time, all right?
Do you understand? He begged for his life, begged for his life, and he got away, and so will you guys.
For a price, I want you two to make up and be friends. Remember our first date when we mauled all those people? Yeah, that was a good time. Yeah, we should go do it again. Well, you know how we've got the village event happening tonight. Why don't we go wreak some havoc there? You know, like the good old days.
Yeah, we can kick it off right now. We can kick it off right now. Right now.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Thanks for watching another episode of the Cracka Milk podcast. If you want to find the full one hour version of this podcast, you can see it on our Patreon, completely uncut. All for you there, baby. You'll see a little bit of it at the end. And if you want your suggestion turned into an improv bit, leave a comment. These podcasts keep this channel going. Cut the camera.
You've been venturing into illegal gay brothels. You've also been getting illegal gay nudie mags. Now, the first question we're going to ask is how dare you? And the second question is where are the gay brothels?
What is it like to have eventual connections with someone who shares that with you? I just need to know for a friend. Go on, you heard him. Well, I'm not a gay man, as I've said, because it is a crime. If I was, it would be like the same as it would be with a woman, but with a man.
Fuck, that's pretty good. Fuck. |
SaturdayNightLive | centaur_job_interview_saturday_night_live | I'm sorry, Dr. Wallace, but I'm afraid we're looking for someone with a little more experience to fill our chief resident position. I understand. So did I get the job? No, you didn't. thank you. you won't regret this. I'll see you on Monday morning. you didn't get the job. Debbie, please send in the next applicants.
Dr. Winter. you must be Dr. Levitt. it's a pleasure to finally meet you. you've come highly recommended. Well, a couple of those recommendations came from Yale men, so I hope you won't hold that against me. Now, as you know, we're becoming a teaching hospital. Sit, please. I wish I could. our new chief resident will help lead that transition. Well, at Johns Hopkins, I actually chaired the faculty committee that oversaw coordination between the school and the hospital. As I said, your qualifications are most impressive. thank you.
Now, would you mind if I ask you a few questions about being a centaur? please, go ahead. believe me, I heard them all. can I ride you? Only if I can ride you. Fair enough. Well, John, could you enter yourself in the Kentucky Derby? I don't know. if you did, would you have to have a little horse riding on you, like instead of a jockey? I see what you're saying, but again, I really don't know. because it seems like you already have a jockey with the person part of you. right. are we going to discuss my medical qualifications? the rest of the interview will be centaur questions. do you have sex with horses or with human women? neither. I'm really only attracted to other centaurs.
Okay. what if it was a horse with a mask of a woman on it? No. I mean, would you have sex with a monkey if it had a mask on? This interview is not about me. What if you saw a horse but it was standing so that its head was in a barn or something? would you maybe be attracted to that horse's rear end? where is the head exactly? it's in the barn. or behind a door or a vase or something. so you can't see it. I might be attracted to it briefly. Okay. so let's say, hypothetically, you could have sex with the back end. And it's guaranteed to be the greatest sex you've ever had, But you'd never know if it was a horse or a centaur. You know, that's pretty intriguing. If I'd really never know, I guess I would. it was a horse. Oh, come on. it was a horse. deal with it. Now, could you make the back half of you into glue, and then could the person part of you use that glue to repair a bird feeder? Yes.
There is a device we use. it's called an Augbegion. it's a stainless steel telescoping rod with ripper claws and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth. So there's a company that manufactures Centaur ass wipers. Augbegions, yes. there's a store that's sort of like a crate and barrel for Centaurs called Augbegions and such. there's one on 57th Street.
I've seen that establishment. you eat steak. Is that some kind of cannibalism?
I'm sorry. can we return to a line of questioning related to my medical qualifications? Absolutely. let me just find the right paperwork. Thank you.
Here we go.: Is there centaur pornography? that is not a medical question. Do you want this job? Yes, there is Centaur porn. If I were to watch centaur porn, but with the bottom of the screen blocked out with a piece of cardboard, would I find the human halves of the female actresses appealing? Well, maybe, but you've got to remember that at some point there's going to be a horse penis in there. apparently. I think that's all the Centaur questions I have.
I want to thank you for coming in. we'll be in touch. I appreciate it. Can I just ask you, did I get the job?
No. I'm sorry. we don't hire dirty Centaurs. |
TheOnion | Overjoyed_Florida_Gay_Couples_Rush_Out_To_Have_Marriage_Denied | The nation celebrates what is, technically speaking, progress. A bigot is relieved to learn that gays in his state are still effectively subhuman, and Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, and Alito suddenly realize they will be the villains in an Oscar-winning movie one day. You are nothing more than the reflection of a grim, pitiless world, and this is The Onion Week in Review. Following the Supreme Court's ruling on same-sex marriage this week, overjoyed gay couples in Florida rushed out of their homes to have their marriages denied to them. Gay couples throughout the southern state told reporters they were ecstatic over the landmark decisions supporting gay rights, and said they couldn't wait to wait in line and have their requests to be wed rejected by their home state.
World currency markets were sent into turmoil this week as the price of money suddenly skyrocketed to $90 a dollar. Economic experts told reporters the current cost of dollars far exceeds that of even two weeks ago, when money was trading at roughly $53 on the dollar, and has prompted interest rates to reach as high as 5.8% on all dollar investments greater than $1,000. If markets aren't controlled, we could soon see money going for as high as $160 a dollar, and one American dollar won't be worth so much as two dimes. Americans should avoid spending their money on U.S. currency until prices stabilize at a more affordable $60 or even $65 a dollar. But with the cost of quarters hitting $4.97, and the $5 bill jumping to a 12-year high of $372, the days when you could get $30 or $40 for just a couple of bucks are unfortunately long gone.
Following reports of a newly posted job listing at area marketing firm Swenson Digital, 1,400 separate applicants told themselves they were quote, absolutely perfect for the position. I've got a BA in marketing, which the posting said was recommended, so I think that'll bode really well for me. If you look at my resume, I've got everything they're looking for. I mean, I've held similar jobs like this in the past, I'm extremely driven. I think as soon as they interview me, they'll see I'm the perfect candidate. I've had a lot of team experience, and I think that would really stand out. Not to mention the fact that I'm great with web design. I really think this is going to work out.
And in science news, scientists probably discovered a frog or something. They're always doing that sort of shit. In other news, an 8-year-old boy surprises his marine father during a firefight in Afghanistan.
If you're seeking a celebrity interview, stay away from that bastard Tobey Maguire, who apparently can't even pick up a phone to say he has a schedule conflict and won't be able to make it into the studio. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
TheOnion | Nation_s_Blakes_Cruise_Easily_Through_Lifeguard_Tryouts | Citing their effortless physical strength, affability, and notable base tans, reports from the country's pools, lakes, and beaches have indicated that once again, the nation's blakes coasted effortlessly through this year's seasonal lifeguard tryouts. Onion reporters spoke with Cincinnati Centennial Pool's manager, Charles Walker, about the exceptional performance of his blakes. We always see strong performances from blakes, but this year's crop did especially well. Blake D. did the 25-yard underwater swim in 86 seconds. Blake S. and Blake C. both carried subjects 40 yards without breaking a sweat. Lakes really shine this year. In addition to qualifying as pool managers and certified aquatics instructors, the nation's blakes significantly outshine the nation's stewards in swimming, performing CPR, diving, and glistening.
I'm definitely looking forward to being a lifeguard this summer. I heard the test was kind of hard, but it was actually kind of easy. Yeah. We're in a really good place with our blakes right now. At the height of the season, traditionally, we want to have at least two of them out there at any given time, and given their turnout at these tryouts, that'll be easy to fill. Our calas are looking pretty strong too. As long as we have a few blakes and calas out there on the weekends, we'll be set. |
dropout | I_Just_Got_100k_New_Followers | Mmm, croutons salad, yum. Vinaigrette salad, yum. Summer nicois salad with basil pesto dressing.
Gorgeous. Whoa. I just got a ton of new followers on Instagram, so I have a responsibility to post new content. Holy shit. You have 100,000 new followers. When did that happen? Oh, yeah. My friend took a candid photo of me while we were hanging out, and I got on the Instagram Discover page and went viral.
It's so random. Wait, this photo of you posing in this mini dress in front of that pink wall on Melrose? I just happened to be walking past. You're in a series of outfits. I walked past multiple times. Oops, I was lost. I see what's happening here.
You bought followers. No, I did not. Is it so hard to believe that people are naturally drawn to me and the stories that I have to tell as a storyteller? Your new followers all just have usernames of random letters and numbers. Because all the good usernames are taken. They follow hundreds of accounts and have zero followers. Well, not everyone can be an influencer. Some people have to be influenced. I do it for the fans now. Oops, five new comments. RVX82501 says, go to his account if you want to use Bitcoin to buy more followers. Okay, and actually, that's incredibly rude because I would never do that, so I will be blocking him.
Okay, well, the other four comments were just the fire emoji. See, real user engagement from real users. No, they're clearly just clones of the same account. Yep, look, they all have the exact same profile description. Real girl from Russia, click here to buy my fire products. Hey, fam, this is Lily from CollegeHumor.
As you know, I've really struggled with my weight at my desk job. That's until I discovered Sasha's skinny soups. Now I have one for every meal, and I have never felt better. Mmm, soup. What the hell? You're already using your fake influencer status to sell weight loss products? I swear by Sasha's skinny soups. I've never seen you eat one. I have one for every meal. You had a hoagie an hour ago. I had the soup after. When? I slurped it down in the bathroom where you can't see me.
Just admit that you bought followers. Yes! Fine, I bought them. I bought all of them.
I obviously didn't get 100,000 followers overnight. That would be insane. I paid a shady company in Bitcoin and feet pics, and you know what, I'm proud of it, okay? Because we live in a craven transactional economy where jobs are unstable and you're only worth as much as your personal brand. So if you can't sell yourself, then you might not be able to afford health insurance, okay?
Are you happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear about our dystopian future?
Hey, what's up? It's Ali.
If you like College Humor and you want to support us, please sign up for Dropout. For the low, low price of a bag of crickets for your pet lizard, you'll get videos a whole week sooner to chat with us in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as my show, Total Forgiveness. Sign up for your free trial today and please send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
cracked | sanjay_gupta_likes_pot_cracked_news | Hey baby, thought I'd make you a sexy little video to keep you company on your trip. Just kidding.
This is Krak's news show that's so phoned in I'm not even really clear on what the name of the series is. Episode Today's Date.
Actor John Malkovich was recently spotted saving a 77 year old man's life. By applying pressure to a gushing neck wound the elderly gentleman sustained when passing Malkovich on a New York City street. According to passers by, Malkovich stayed with the wounded man until an ambulance came, then simply vanished into the crowd. In related news, actor John Malkovich still at large for slashing an old man in the neck.
It was, he did it. He saves it, but he also, it's a classic reversal.
Dr. Sanjay Gupta has reversed his position on medical marijuana, now endorsing its usage. So, there you go. Anyone who wanted to smoke pot but was waiting for Dr. Sanjay Gupta's okay and watches this show and lives in a state where medical marijuana is easily accessible. Go for it. You're in the clear.
Blaze up, nobody! Lady Gaga appears completely naked in a new online, I'm sorry? I'm sorry, this just in. I have to go over there.
Pretty good. She's pretty. Pretty good.
Hello? I'm sorry, is this a FaceTime call? I forget what I was doing.
In a brutal display of irony, a Miami man who self published marriage counseling books online shot and killed his wife, then posted pictures of her body on his Facebook profile before turning himself into police. This of course marks the most hideous thing ever posted to Facebook and will hold that position until they add audio ads later this year.
Scientists have theorized that all the gold on Earth may have in fact originated deep in space when impossible thunderous star machine explosion mobiles thousands of miles wide collided in the heavens. Yeah, so did everything, scientists. Boring. Snarzvel. Big whoop, you fucking lazy ass scientists, we already knew that. I mean, yeah, we're all stardust, we got it, Moby sang it, done. Next thing, vent a new bomb or something. You're competing with the golden age of television and naked Lady Gaga here.
A 22 year old New York man, frustrated that his girlfriend was not paying enough attention to him, has been arrested for trying to sell her baby online. He wouldn't have been caught, but insisted on a minimum reserve bid. Rookie mode. Always give the Buy It Now option if you're trying to move something fast, especially on eBaby, the electronic website for selling babies illegally that I just made up, I hope. A UC San Diego student detained in a DEA raid has been awarded $4 million after he was mistakenly left in a holding cell for four days and only discovered near death drinking his own urine and carving a farewell note to his mother in his forearm.
Beats finals. Am I right? UCST. Huh? That's my Alma, bitches. How's, go Tritons.
How's Porter's Pub? Anyway, very, very tragic though. Horrible. What happened to this kid? Real black mark on the, do they do curly fries still at Porter's Pub?
Guy that I somehow still believe I'm on a FaceTime call with? Hello? Guy that I somehow don't believe, still believe I'm on a FaceTime call with?
Asshole. Hi, I'm Cracked Soren Bowie. Subscribe and I'll show you how strong I am. I did it. I beat you, dude.
Paying enough attention to him has been arrested for trying to sell her baby online. He wouldn't have been caught but insisted on a minimum reserve bid. Rookie mode. Always give the Buy It Now option if you're trying to move something fast. Especially on eBaby, the electronic website for selling babies illegally that I just made up, I hope. A UC San Diego student detained in a DEA raid has been awarded $4 million after he was mistakenly left in a holding cell for four days and only discovered near death drinking his own urine and carving a farewell note to his mother in his forearm.
Beats Finals? Am I right? UCSD? Huh? That's my Alma, bitches. How's, go Tritons.
How's Porter's Pub? Anyway, very tragic though. Horrible. What happened to this kid? Real black mark on the, do they do curly fries still at Porter's Pub?
Guy that I somehow still believe I'm on a FaceTime call with? Hello? Guy that I somehow still believe I'm on a FaceTime call with? Asshole. |
TheOnion | a_v_club_inventory_uber_patriotic_songs | Today we'll be talking about uber patriotic pro-America songs, the kind of songs that are almost embarrassing and, well, definitely embarrassing in their rah-rah support of America. So the song I want to focus on is called America We Stand As One.
By Dennis Madelone, aka Dennis Danger Madelone, a Hollywood stuntman who worked on a lot of different Star Trek shows. If you look him up on the Star Trek wiki, you'll see him as a Klingon and as a whole bunch of other Star Trek races I don't know anything about.
It's an incredible song to start with, but then he adds this video. America, we stand as one. It's a video of him and various American flags and angels and CGI disasters. It almost feels like he wrote this song about your loved ones going to heaven and then 9-11 happened and then he tacked USA on the end of it. See I'm with you in a different way.
He's walking along the beach. USA And there's an American flag in the waves. I guess it's not international waters right there. That's how it works. If you're in Japan, it's like white with a big red dot on the water.
He touches a young child on the head and there's like a little flash of CGI light. My immediate thought was like, he's the angel of death and he just killed that kid.
America So Nathan you're going to talk about a song that maybe is not any more offensive but the singer perhaps is more offensive to some of us. What song is it? A song called Let the Eagle Soar. And it's catchy. I was preparing for this and I couldn't stop singing Let the Eagle Soar Like she's never soared before It was written and recorded by John Ashcroft who some of you might know as the former attorney general and he is kind of a silly, silly man.
Of this country, including Obama, you know, not Obama, pardon me. He's a politician primarily, not a singer-songwriter although that's obviously where his talents lie. It starts off kind of mockish, kind of patriotic, very, very over the top, very histrionic.
This eagle's place is in the sky But then it takes kind of a weird, dark turn. She's far too young to die The eagle's not ready to die. And since the eagle symbolizes the United States, that kind of is disturbing but, you know, he's the attorney general so maybe he knew things that the rest of us did not know. Let the mighty eagle soar Thank you and God bless you.
Kyle, I understand your song predates 9-11. Yeah, it comes from Sammy Hagar's 1984 album VOA which stands for Voice of America. The title track was just kind of silly but the video really takes it to another level. It begins with Hagar crashing through a ceiling window of the White House and interrupting a meeting with a Reagan look-alike and a bunch of bureaucrat types. That's not really Reagan in the video? He's calling them to arms and he's like, No, he's still flying. Let it wave. Can I say for the record that your Sammy Hagar impersonation is terrible? You should hear it's David Lee Roth.
There's a cue type who gives him a briefcase full of spy gear. There's throwing stars, a machine gun, but also something called anti-electric shock tablets. Much like the Robo-Girl on Small Wonder had a power outlet under her arm, Hagar has what is called a hard rocker's juice panel. Is he impervious to electricity? Is he made out of electricity? Let it rock! As much as he's like this badass super spy, he does get caught and captured by this trio of anonymous baddies. And they start pumping juice through them. But as we know, Hagar has a special relationship with electricity. So it gives him like this surge and he busts out of the chair. What we have to take away from it is that one mulleted dude from America who can harness the power of electricity can defeat all of our enemies.
Rambo starts it, Hagar finishes it. So guys, let's try a mash-up. I want to do like a sing-off. All right, two, three.
We don't like it America. Oh no! We can't miss out on it before. We have to run to it, but it's okay. For more embarrassingly pro-America, uber patriotic songs, visit avclub.com. |
dropout | nerd_alert_ipad_2 | Welcome to Nerd Alert, brought to you by the new College Humor series Troopers. I'm Jeff Rubin, here with one of the writers of Troopers, Pat Cassels, as well as the editor of Dorkly, Brian Murph Murphy. This week, jocks have their statue of Rocky in Philadelphia, and now nerds have chipped in over the internet to build a statue of Robocop in Detroit.
Your move, goth kids. Ubisoft showed off the trailer for We Dare, a party game where players compete in kinky challenges. No being amazing at other video games make you terrible at this one. And this was the flyer that Midway used to promote Mortal Kombat when it first came out in arcades almost 20 years ago. We are going to be interviewing that kid in the purple shorts, and you are not going to believe what he is one of the world's best at today.
But first, Apple announced new iPads this week. They feature two cameras, more horsepower, and a thinner body, but is it advanced enough that buying one will finally make me happy? Your thoughts on the subject, Pat? I think it will make you very happy. It's an incredible device, it's like the thickness of a sheet of paper.
I was just watching Demolition Man, actually, and there's a scene where the police chief has got this little dossier and he's talking to him. It's better than that. It's thinner than that. This new one has a camera. You could talk to the person. I mean, the future is now. That's the one thing that movie got right. And that, and Wesley Snipes in prison. And the best part is, you can actually probably play games on it. Like, that police chief probably didn't have cut the road.
Now, you can plug it into a TV, or you can attach it to your television, so you can play Fruit Ninja, and all your friends can see how good you are at Fruit Ninja, instead of just blogging about it like you do. Possibly more impressive than the jump from iPad to iPad 2 was the jump in covers. I mean, yeah, of course it's a little faster and a little lighter, but they really rethought the way the cover worked, and I think it's a lot smarter now. It's interesting when Apple does things in colors other than black and white and silver, because it's like this robot that occasionally shows emotion, and this is like one break there, where it's like, Apple like red and green. The thing with the iPad that's weird is no keyboard, and I think that if the iPad catches on as just your primary computer device, that's like a big leap to make, to just do away with keyboards. Right, like when I'm typing my Pokemon fanfiction, that's just flowing through me, and sometimes that on-screen keyboard isn't fast enough to keep up.
Moving on, Detroit is 100% for realsies building a statue of Robocop. It's a movement that started with a tweet to the mayor of Detroit, where someone said, Philadelphia has a statue of Rocky, and Robocop would kick Rocky's butt. He's a great ambassador for Detroit. To which the mayor replied, there are not any plans to erect a statue to Robocop. Thank you for the suggestion. Pat, how good an idea do you think this is on a scale of Robocop 1 to Robocop 3? The themes of Robocop are actually not really the best themes for Detroit. Robocop is not the hero. It's this horrible soulless robotic fate that happens to Peter Weller after he's shot full of holes by these gangsters, and he's actually just a cog in this corporate scheme to take over Detroit, and only at the end, when he recovers his humanity, rips his mask off, and then blows Ronnie Cox out the top floor window.
That's the triumphant part of the movie. The movie ends, and they ask him, hey, what's your name?
And he says, Murphy, not Robocop. So you're saying we should build a statue of Murphy, not Robocop? Absolutely. Just Murphy, Peter Weller's face stretched over a bunch of circuits, I think would be the most tasteful dedication to Detroit. My favorite part of this is that the mayor said, there are no plans to build a statue to Robocop. He didn't say a statue of Robocop.
He said two. He's some deity we're going to honor. Who do you think would win in a fight?
The Robocop statue or the Rocky statue? And keep in mind, we're not talking about Robocop versus Rocky. This is some sort of night at the museum-like epidemic, and the two statues have decided to have an effort. Rocky statue's coming into this way too confident. He's already got his arms raised, all right? Homeboy thinks he's already won this. You can't underestimate Robocop statue. That's statue fighting. Keep in mind, this is not Robocop. The Robocop statue can't shoot like stone bullets.
Oh, I know, I know, I know. But he's poised. He's confident. He doesn't have a gun, but he looks like maybe he's got something up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's ready.
If the rank of their strength is how long they've extended their franchises more than they should have, they're evenly matched. All I know is as soon as we're done shooting here, I'm going to start my Iron Giant Memorial Kickstarter. Ubisoft's We Dare is a party game for adults that encourages consenting couples to participate in minigames that revolve around spanking and stripping. Yeah, I'm super excited about it, Jeff.
It was really hard to convince girls to fuck me during Wii bowling. The games aren't even that creative. It's just like, stick a Wiimote in a girl's skirt. It's angry, you know? And they have that shot where there's the two girls kissing the Wiimote. I don't know what Wiimotes are like in most houses.
I would not put the tongue on. It's covered in Cheetos stains.
Well, those are good, but I don't even think they're trying to release it in America. It's out in Australia. I believe it's coming out in Europe.
But a lot of controversy. Such a surprise there, by the way. A lot of people already upset. In the UK, where the game is actually coming out, in the Daily Mail, there was an article about the game. And then all these quotes from upset parents saying things like, the video shows them swapping partners, girl on girl kissing. That kind of thing is not something young teenagers should be exposed to. Man, if you told me when I was 12 years old playing Nintendo in my room that one of the problems of games would be too many girls kissing each other in your presence, I would have thought you were crazy. This would have made for some awkward times in high school parties.
Because you know you'd show up and you'd be like the nerd and be like, oh yeah, let's play this game. Let's have the hot girl sit on Murph's lap and he's got an awkwardly spanker. And then I'd like get a boner and everybody would laugh at me. Yeah, I think if this game existed when I was a kid, my dad would have bought me a copy to encourage me to find a girlfriend.
It wouldn't have worked. It would not have worked. I would have just found a cheat code or something.
The game looks incredibly boring. I think kids are just going to continue going on the internet and looking at, you know, raunchy sites and discussing things there. So we're fine. Basically, it's the new version of like an erotic board game you'd buy at Spencer's Gifts or Spin the Bottle. Or what I imagine Spin the Bottle might have been like if I didn't waste my childhood memorizing Mortal Kombat combos.
Which brings us to our final guest, who I first encountered on the Wikipedia page for Mortal Kombat 1 and saw the ad he was in. I put it on my blog. He, without being prompted, got in touch with me. And I'm so excited to introduce him to you now. Everyone, please welcome via robo guest, the kid in the purple shorts in the Mortal Kombat ad, Zach Sharp. How you doing today, Zach? I'm good. Correction, they're actually pink shorts. So, Zach, when we first got in touch, you wrote me, you said, I'm the kid in that ad.
And I believed you because that's such a crazy lie to tell. But I wanted to be sure. So I said, can you prove it to me? Can you prove it to our audience somehow?
And what did you send me? I showed you a screenshot of the credits, which my brother and myself and my dad are in. You are in the credits for the original Mortal Kombat 1 in the arcade. Under special thanks. That's incredible. People are beating the game just as an excuse to see your name. So how did you end up in the ad?
Napotism. Our dad works for, or used to work for Williams Valley Midway. And he was director of marketing and licensing. And they concepted this ad, and they needed two kids. And he had two kids. What kid's going to turn down $100 free pizza and playing a new arcade game? So your dad worked at Midway. Did he have any problem getting you the home version of Mortal Kombat when it was very controversial because of all the blood? No. Actually, he was all my friends' favorite parent, because he was like coach for our sports teams.
So he had all these games to give away for player of the game. So he would have Mortal Kombat, NBA Jam, NFL Blitz. And he would just hand out all these home console games.
And then all the kids stopped showing up to practice.
So what were Kano and Raiden like that day? On the first take, they were grabbing us. And when they were shooting, they screamed out really loud, which scared us, because we thought we were just going to be mocked like, ah, scared. And so Kano was raw. And Raiden was saying like, songs.
So there's a lot of outtakes of us laughing, because we're trying to stay in character. But they're cracking us up all the time.
So is that the real Kano from Mortal Kombat? Yes. I mean, the real one who competed in the Outworld tournament, not the guy who played him in the video game. Yes, both.
What I thought was really interesting was when you told me what you were up to today. Can you talk about that a little bit?
My brother and I are professional pinball players. And you're being a little modest, because you sent me to pinballrankings.com, where you are the number five ranked pinball player in the world, number three in America. And your brother's right beneath you. How did you get into that? Well, again, our dad was in the industry. And we grew up with pinball machines growing up, playing it.
And he did not let us compete in tournaments, because he didn't want a sibling rivalry until we wore him down. And he finally let us compete. And we won all the junior tournaments around. And we just kept playing. And we ended up just being really good.
You were kind of born into it, like the mannings, if Archie Manning had invented pinball, or if I knew anything about sports. Have you ever been recognized from your ad, or your pinball achievements? More for pinball than the Mortal Kombat print ad. Have you ever been noticed for that ad, other than by Jeff?
No. Thank you. One more time to Zach. Thank you to Pat and Murph.
We'll be back next Friday to talk about Pokemon Black and White. But in the meantime, enjoy CGI, our bad special effects of the week. Later losers. |
TheOnion | Pre_Game_Coin_Toss_Makes_Jaguars_Realize_Randomness_Of_Life | Back to the big NFL story of the day, the Jacksonville Jaguars forfeited their game against the Tennessee Titans today after the pregame coin toss caused the Jags to realize the randomness of life and the triviality of their own existence. Joining us now is Senior Onion News Network sports analyst Reggie Greengrass. Reggie, you were right there on the sidelines today. What happened from your perspective?
Well, Michael, it started when the referee told Jaguars co-captain Fred Taylor to call the coin toss to start the game. As the coin was in the air, Taylor was apparently struck with an existential epiphany and asked the ref, quote, what meaning can life have if the future can be dictated by the random chance of this coin? Existence is a vulgar absurdity. You can't wise off to a ref like that, especially at the start of the game.
Absolutely not.
Michael, Coach Del Rio chewed Taylor out, telling him to quit pondering the inconsequence of being in a universe governed by chaos and just play some football. Well, Del Rio's known to have a real short fuse. I wouldn't mess with him. He was mad as hell, Michael. But Taylor just took it. Finally, he asked Coach Del Rio, if a coin flip decides our kickoff and a kickoff decides the outcome of this game, and the sum of all the outcomes of our games is equal to the sum consequence of your life as a coach, then is not your life no more consequential than the fluttering of a tiny metal disc? Postulating the triviality of Coach Del Rio's existence and what does Taylor want to ride the bench all year? Believe it or not, Michael, Del Rio really took what Taylor said to Hardy, called the rest of the team over and told them, quote, Go out there, give whatever percentage you want.
You're kidding. It does not matter. We are but blades of grass tossed to an uncaring wind, all effort is vain, all order an illusion.
So a complete loss of team cohesion the first game of the year. Michael, it was out of control. The Jags started smacking themselves in the face with playbooks in hopes that the sting of pain would bring them into consciousness of the present moment and shouting imponderable riddles to the fans. Oh, those fans must have been furious. Well, they were upset.
No one likes to be told they're just specks of dust floating through the universe without purpose. Right. After that, the refs kicked the entire team out of the game, forcing the forfeit. Starting 0-1, that's not good. No. Where do they go from here? I mean, what a disaster on the first Sunday. Michael, too soon to say, Michael. So far, the team has refused to come out of their locker room or speak to the press. They simply left a note outside reading in part, All semblance of order or purpose or symptoms of the sickness in man's ego-mad mind. Sense is not possible until the end. Well, it sounds like the only answer for them is suicide.
You said it, Michael. Unless someone can convince the Jags that existence has meaning, Peyton Manning can rest easy. So bad news for Jacksonville fans, but good news there for the rest of the AFC South. Reggie Greengrass, thank you very much. |
dropout | lamaze_class_for_taking_a_sh_t | this is a very exciting time that's right just breathe but when your bundle of joy is ready to come out you can do this you got this you're gonna know I am so proud of you you're all about to give birth to a huge shit I can't wait to meet it now we're all here for different reasons right Chipotle fajita burrito with extra corn salsa sugar-free gummy bears and an ill-advised kombucha I accidentally ate one of my girlfriend's activities the stakes are God's miracles but the techniques that we learn here today are going to help take you as we like to say from far to finish first choose a focal point look at the tweets okay read the tweets actually we're not gonna bring the phone in with us because we're trying to have a natural shit oh that's brave that's very brave oh we are actually having a watershed because we believe in holistic shit so he's gonna shit in a hot tub oh I love you now massage your stomach I felt it move I felt it move well well you look at that this point you're gonna want to start preemptively unraveling the toilet paper just way too big of a wad really make yourself a man whoa oh god oh god no it's too soon oh I just peed myself a little that's good it means it's starting okay I'm here for you okay look at me because you made a joke about Jamie Lee Curtis then you shotgun an entire variety pack of activities he's beautiful he's not done yet it's twins all right he's not done yet it's twins |
TheOnion | Panel_Of_Caged_Average_Americans_Weigh_In_On_Economy | With the national debt hitting historic levels today, Congress is debating a controversial new bill, which could save billions in federal spending each year by cutting 12 states from the union. Political analysts have been weighing in on the issue all day here on the Onion News Network, but what do regular folks think about the bill?
Well, to find out, let's check in with the average Americans we keep on hand here in the fact zone. Hello again, guys. Now, you're not experts. You're just regular Americans that we've brought in off the street.
What are your reactions to the state cutting proposal? Roger? Water. My grandkids don't know where I am. Okay, the proponents of the bill are saying that it's a great way to rid America of some of the dead weight states like Rhode Island, Montana, North Dakota.
Do you agree? Yes, yes, I agree. I agree with it. Pamela? Sure, I agree.
Whatever you want. Roger? Can we please go home?
People in Washington don't care what I think. They care what you, the real voters, think, so this is your chance to tell them what you think about this bill.
Do you agree with it or not? Sure, I agree with it. Me too.
Roger, that is not an answer. Come on, man. Just answer her. Fine. I agree with the plan. Uh-oh. See, now, the sensors are indicating that you're lying, Roger, and that's not allowed. We need real answers from real Americans here. Come on, man. Just answer her.
You're making it worse for everyone, Roger. I don't like it.
There you go. So, basically, two out of three regular Americans are for the state cutting proposal. Great. Now, guys, this is a very important story, obviously, but we also recognize that there are other issues that are important to you right now. What are some of those? Lewis? I guess the economy. Jobs. Okay. Good. Economy and jobs are important to Lewis. Roger?
Less pain.
Pamela? Killing you and escaping.
So, basically, a wide range of issues here. Listen up, Washington. This is real America talking.
Thanks so much, guys. I am going to kill you. I swear to God, I am going to- We'll check back in with them and see how their opinions have changed once they've had their feeding. |
dropout | gym | Ah! Why is there always one old naked guy? Ah! Those are the lowest hanging balls I've ever seen! Don't look at the wrinkly scrotum, don't look at the wrinkly scrotum, don't look at the wrinkly scrotum. Jeez, what's that music? It's like a freezing German dance club in here. Oh, hi fellas. Eh, whatever, I'm still smarter than them. Ah, this appears I'm tardy for advanced De Niro science. Oh dear, a Cheerio, a Tap Cheerio. Ah!
Hey, can you spot me? I think I could spot you from space.
Absolutely! God, she looks like a muscular martini glass. I just hope that halter top holds up. Two hundred pounds? How's that even possible? In that chest? Are they pecs or are they boobs? I need to know so I can either throw up or get turned on. Okay, so this is straight up gonna be scary. Jeez, I feel like I'm fucking a female tennis player.
Come on, you got this. You can do this. You can do it. You have to do it. You have to do this.
Please don't let me hear.
Oh my god, she's dying. She's dying. She's dead. I don't feel a pulse. Oh my god, the last thing she saw was my crotch. She's never gonna get to heaven now. Oh, she's alive. She's alive.
What's wrong with you? I'm so sorry.
I have to find something more in my wheelhouse. Oh, a rowing machine. Yeah, 50 pounds ought to do it. Whoa. Oh, about a hundred. Yeah, one piano coming right up. That counts as one. Change this back. I just had surgery. Wrestling, football, penis reduction. Still big though. Yikes.
Maybe she didn't hear me? Maybe she's deaf. She's definitely deaf.
It's a shame, really. All right. This isn't so bad.
I'll start coming here at seven every morning and no more carbs. Or maybe just carbs? I don't know. I'll definitely do something with carbs. Muscle milk?
That's a thing, right? And look at this. I can see results already. I am a super powers.
But what happened? You passed out. I think you forgot to breathe. Oh, no. You look like an idiot. |
cracked | the_most_underrated_comedies_of_all_time_the_joker_more_epcd_goon_what_we_do_in_the_shadows | Hello everyone, welcome to the thirteenth episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion. This is our weekly unscripted chat show that is about everything that's going on that doesn't have anything to do with the news or the president, to give you some relief from that.
As always, I am your host, Daniel O'Brien. As always, our co-host, Maggie Mae Fish. Hi. As always, your guest. How are you?
Sorry, Bowie. I think it's officially our new third co-host, Sorin Bowie.
This is the first time hearing of it too, so this is a really good moment for me. Unfortunately, it's coming at the most unlucky episode, but it is. Oh yeah. I feel this is going to be a really bad one, but let's just do it anyway. As the robot is like dangerously close to your head, closer than it's ever been. And there's like a knife connected to it, just in case.
We're going to talk about it a lot today. The main story we're going to dig into is the most underrated comedies of all time. We're going to make a definitive list of that. Before we get into that, I'm going to talk about Emperor's New Groove, which is not a timely thing, but that's on my list, and in preparing this, it threw me into one of my Frasier-esque deep dives of a thing, because I want to talk about Emperor's New Groove.
It was originally called Kingdom of the Sun, or Kingdom in the Sun. It was about a llama herder, voiced by Owen Wilson, named Pacha, and then there's an emperor named Manko, and they switch places, Prince and the Pot, and then Manko's wife falls in love with Pacha, and also there's Isma, the witch who is still Eartha Kit, but her plan in this movie is to block out the sun, because she thinks the sun is aging her, and Sting did a lot of the music for it. She's not wrong.
Sting did the music. Sting, the guy Sting, did the music, and they got really far in this whole movie, and Owen Wilson recorded a bunch of stuff, and Sting made a whole watch out. Then Disney was just like, all of this is bad, change everything, and they got rid of one of the directors, and that movie somehow became Emperor's New Groove, and one of the things they changed, Sting walked off this movie, because when they changed everything, he was like, I really feel like I recorded all the songs that I want to for this project, so I'm just gonna go, I'm not doing this anymore.
One of the things they changed that I liked was the character, Manko, that name was changed, because in Japanese, it means p****y, and in Turkish, it means bad movie. It made my list, because I think it's a very underrated, hilarious comedy movie, like Emperor's New Groove is a stupid name for a movie. David Spade was not at an amazing point of his career, and it just didn't seem like it had that same Disney flair, so I understand that it missed a lot of people's radar. It's a really, really funny movie, and then I was just happy to learn all this background stuff today in our Timesly pop culture show. I think it's one of my favorite, it's one of my favorite most watchable Disney movies, because it's still funny, it still holds up. My favorite part is when the, oh, Sting was on theme song. It felt like it existed in the Descent, right before Pixar joined them, but that decline of Atlantis and everything like that, where we peaked at Aladdin and the Lion King, and then after that, everything just sort of started to fall off.
Orangeback and Notre Dame, Notre Dame. I think there are parts of Emperor's New Groove that, tricks I'm sure have adapted that have snuck their way into my humor. I have done twists on their jokes and ripped them off. There's a scene that really stuck out to me for its randomness, like a bunch of the guards get turned into animals, and they still need to go hunt down the Emperor, and she's like, we have to go, we have to go and take him down.
And the guy's like, some of us are cows, can we go home? He goes, yes. And they're like, that really, really landed with old Deenio Beans. But yeah, that's the thing I wanted to talk about this week.
Wow.
Very timely. Very timely pop culture news. Oh, glad we got that one out of the way, so many people were tweeting asking about that.
Yeah, so I want to talk about all the new Joker movies that they're making, I guess. We're only making all movies are Joker movies now. All movies are Joker movies. All Joker origin stories.
Yeah. So you could just assume, even if they don't mention it in the movie, at the end you can assume whoever the main character was. It was the Joker. It becomes the Joker. So like all the new Avatar movies will feature the Joker in prominent roles.
But yeah, so right now we have two confirmed, and one maybe. So what we got so far, we have a Harley Quinn and Joker, like funny rom-com, like a Harry Met Sally, you know. That's how they're describing it. It's a like twisted Harry Met Sally. Yeah. What if they took a bunch of drugs? Yeah. Wait, doesn't he torture her into insanity until she falls in love with him? Yes. I mean, that's kind of Harry Met Sally, too. Yeah. I'll have what she's having. He follows her around and makes her... Yeah, I mean in a way.
So yeah, so we have that one, and then we also have the Joker solo movie. What's that about? So the Harley Quinn and Joker one is also, that's Jared Leto and Marvel Robbie again.
Confirmed. Yeah, they're both signed on. That's definitely happening with Glenn Fakara and John Raquof from This Is Us and Crazy Stupid Love, Ray Flick.
I don't know what that does because there was also, they were trying to make Harley Quinn and Birds of Prey movie. Yes, which they said it might knock that out. This might take priority over that. Yeah, and then the other one's going to be directed by Todd Phillips, who did The Hangover. That one does not confirm Jared Leto, but they said maybe. This was, I thought, supposed to be a separate one. This was produced by Martin Scorsese.
Yes. And this is the origin story, and it's a gritty, hard-boiled crime story set in the 80s of Gotham. Isn't that so exciting? The origin story. Yeah. I just watched you age two years.
I just got so tired of muttering origin story. The origin story of The Joker sounds like such a bad idea.
We also have it. Yeah, when we have it, too, that's the least interesting thing about The Joker. And I do think The Joker is one of the most interesting DC villain characters that we have, but not his origin story. It's his philosophy that's interesting in how he interacts with the other characters in the universe.
Right. I don't need to see how he gets his power. Yeah. In fact, it's way better if we don't see it. Exactly. He's way scarier when you don't see the shark. Right. Yeah. But I mean, I get it.
I thought it wasn't exact, and I saw the numbers, and I saw Suicide Squad, and I was like, well, we farted that out, and it made that much money. I guess we'll make two more movies with people. Was Suicide Squad considered a success?
Financially, I think so. Financially, yes.
Oh, what a... They're fast-tracking the second Suicide Squad now. And also, I think, this Harley and Joker movie because there's pressure with the holes that they need to put on these actors.
Yeah. So that's... So they're kind of shoving those down the bullet. Yeah. Everything that was creatively bad about Suicide Squad was because the screenwriter had six weeks to bang out the screenplay, and now we're doing an accelerated timeline for the sequel. Yeah. Okay. So are you excited? Well, I'm just trying to picture in my head already, like, what's the most mainstream music from the last 20 years that they're going to use in that? Oh, boy. Like, the soundtrack for it is already building in my head because that's all Suicide Squad was, was a big soundtrack. Yeah. So I'm like, what do they do? Steve Miller, the Joker? Is that in there? Is that hardcore enough? Yeah.
Maybe some 30 seconds to Mars? Maybe we'll get some of that.
Oh! What if he found a way to shoehorn his own band into the movie? What if the Joker gets up on stage at some point and plays? Oh, my God! Should I sing that?
I guess, Joker. I just, I do, I don't like his rendition of the Joker. I don't like his take on it.
I think Margo is a delight. She stole the film. She was great. She was in a different film than everyone else.
Yeah. She and Will Smith were great. Yeah. Bizarrely, Jai Courtney was great in that movie. He was a boomerang. Oh, yeah, yeah.
He was fun.
Everything else about the movie?
Terrible. Excitedly.
It feels strange to be who I am and say that I'm not looking forward to a Martin Scorsese-produced Joker movie. Like a hard-boiled, more Joker movie, but I'm really not.
Yeah. I think this is what time does. Well, also, it just feels like a cash grab, even if they do have a really awesome script, which is probably not likely. That's all it feels like, so it feels just a little bit slimy, kind of. Yeah, I don't even know. That's not a movie I'm going into, being like, I can't wait to see how this resolves, because it has to go really poorly and keep going poorly for him to become the Joker. Yeah. There's very few things that they could do to make this exciting or unexpected. Or I'd have them throw everything out, and Joe would just walk down the street, and Batman shows up and shoots his parents wordlessly. Whoa. It's a five-minute film. He shoots them with a grappling hook, has to load it back in, and then shoot. And Joker's just like, well, I guess I'll be the Joker. Joker? Yeah. I'm going to do something. Yeah. Whoa, all right.
Well, he finds a cave full of Jokers. Yeah. He pulls two cave full of Jokers. That's, speaking of cave full of Jokers, that's a great troll move by Alamo Drafthouse that I just announced today that is really funny, but also like a full-blown nightmare for me.
A bunch of guys were mad, and maybe some women too, but a bunch of guys were mad when Alamo Drafthouse was like, we're going to do an all-female screening of Wonder Woman. Yeah. And then men were angry at Alamo Drafthouse and was like, what's next? Can we get an all-male screening of Thor when that comes out? What about an all-clown screening of It? And Alamo's like, where do you get an all-clown screening of It?
So they have like a date set aside where you show up as a clown, and there will be like a little pre-party where they have people touching you up and making you even more clowny. That sounds f***ing terrifying. I'm not even like a person who is afraid of clowns. Oh, yeah. I think most people aren't. I think that's mostly b***h when people say that. But I don't want, like a theater full of them means I've done something wrong. If I ever see that many clowns, I'm not where I belong.
I am going to get you tickets to that. I'm going to tell you something else. You're going to forget after this. You're going to show up. This is such a bad plan. I'm so excited. He's the one who brought it up to us.
You've also never gotten me tickets for anything. So if you did get me tickets and you were like, hey, Dan, this is something else.
This is something not clowns. It's Alamo Drafthouse. It's really something.
And then Dave's like, okay, I'm sure it's fine. I'll go.
Also, you're a very talented actress. I don't believe in your ability to keep a scheme a secret. I've got a bad scheme face.
It's all over. I turn everywhere. My eyes flash. My teeth grit.
What's going on with you? Are you smoking crack? Do you want to go to a picnic with me? Oh, your tooth fell out. What's going on?
Well, part of my feeling did fall out the other day, and I had a nightmare about it. It's terrifying. Dash? Oh, it was so scary.
In the back of my teeth, I felt a weird thing. So I was like, uh-uh-uh. And it fell out. And I was like, my teeth fell. My teeth fell out. And I picked it up. It was just a part of my feeling. But I freaked out. And the whole day, I was just googling things about teeth and filling. I was sweating a ton. Is that why you reflectively went to your armpits before you started minding googling? My teeth fell out.
Yeah. It was terrifying. It's like being in a theater of clowns for me. Yeah. And then in the dream, more teeth fell out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just falling out a little. That's a pretty common dream.
To have your teeth. Your teeth.
Hair stuff. Yeah. I would dream a lot about having like a big beard or like having really long hair. A really long hair.
Oh, really? And I looked into it, and that's like a very common dream. I don't know what it means. It's just like a lot of people have talked about hair and beard dreams before. Weird. I also have a lot of dreams where I'm really obese.
Do you? Yes.
I've never had that.
Women have dreams. I assume that was everyone. Yeah. I've had dreams that are like eight months from now, and I've gotten into really good shape, and I wake up like, ah, ah, s***.
Oh, I love the words. I love all that words.
That's bad. Oh. Well, this is a fun truck. Anyways. I'm going to get you tickets to... Don't remind me of the scheme. Oh, okay. Anyway. Let's write it down. Don't do that.
Soren, what do you want to talk about today? Well, more about Maggie's filling, if we can. I want to talk about the Little League World Series, which is going on right now.
Every time... I always forget it's coming up. It's a lot like Father's Day. I'm just like, oh, s***, it's here already. It's so much fun.
It's kids from all over the country. I think it just started in the U.S., so there's like 18s from the U.S. It's probably kids from all over the world, I bet. Well, they do eventually. So, it started in the U.S., where there's eight kids from the United States. That they basically build these super teams in individual states of the best players, and then they compete against each other. And then there's eight teams from the rest of the world.
So, not super fair shake for everyone else. Yeah, that's a different pool. It was created here, so I think that they're just like, well, we'll offer this, obviously, to other places as well.
But it's so wonderful. It's so purely about the sport, and it's so much fun to watch, because these kids care a lot about the sport. It's the most important thing. You get all of the drama that every young teen feels when they're that age, where everything is the highest stakes thing in the world, and it means so much to them.
And they don't have the context yet for everybody basically on an equal playing field. There are kids who are clearly, they went through puberty six years ago, and then there are some kids who are not even there yet, and they're competing against each other. And you're just, so there's some kids who are competing against actual giants around them, and they just are treating it like, oh, yeah, this is just what we do. We're going to find a way to win against these giants.
And it's amazing. And so there are a lot of great moments that come out of this.
Like this year already, there's been when Venezuela played the Dominican Republic, it was like a hard fought game. Eventually, the Dominican Republic lost, and the pitcher pitched a walk-off homer and just collapsed on the mound and started crying. And the Venezuela coaches, instead of going to their team, ran out to him and just started comforting him.
And then he went through the line, did the high fives with everybody, and the other kids gave him a hug, and they're like, hey, it's okay, it's okay. And they all like each other. There's a lot of images online of a kid from South Dakota and a kid from the Dominican Republic sitting in the shade, having a Google Translate conversation with one another, talking to each other. That's so cute.
Because they're kids doing their best and playing their hardest at a thing that means more to them than anything, but they also recognize that it's cool, and they still get the joy of like, look, we get to play baseball, and we're gonna be on TV, can you believe it? And there's no, it's not like watching modern baseball.
I'm like, oh, there goes Derek Cheater. I heard that he gives women gift bags after he f***ed.
And there's none of the kids are doing that.
Wait, Todd, he gives gift bags? Yeah, he gives gift bags that are like, I appreciate you not telling anyone about things.
Oh my God. Like little baskets of fruit and stuff.
I've never gotten anything wrong.
And so you've got to have sex with Derek Cheater. You just gotta go find Derek Cheater. Oh God.
And they all hate each other. Yeah, exactly. They do genuinely hate each other. Yeah. And they're all conniving.
And this is amazing because these kids are all at an age where there's not ego yet, but they're like practicing ego. Like they've seen professionals do it. Like kids flirting. Yeah, it's cute and bad and you don't want to watch it, but you're so proud. Well, they're just, yeah, they're tracing a version that they've seen before. Yeah. And so you see these kids in the batter's box doing what they've seen professionals do. Yeah, or like this.
When I played football or basketball, I watched until the basketball games and I saw Michael Jordan do this and I was like, okay, let's try to do it now. Everybody thought, Harry little Maggie had a coke addiction. Yeah. Oh, there's also- You had no idea that this is Michael Jordan signaling to his bookie.
I'm not going to throw the game. I changed my mind. I'm sorry, I can't. No, no, no. That's his safe word. That's not a side check.
Another really great moment from this was in the Dominican Republic. Well, because this happens in Pennsylvania. Yeah. There was basically one family that came up to root on the team from the Dominican Republic. And one kid had his family there. And when Mexico noticed this was happening, all the parents from Mexico started coming to the Dominican Republic games and cheering on the Dominican Republic.
That's so cute. It's so sweet and pure. And also just like moments of child greatness.
There's- Yeah, real athleticism, feats of athleticism that you would not be able- I mean, there's some professionals- That you would not be able to do. Well, I'll f*** with some of you.
There's kids making these. Yeah, they saves over the fence and stuff like that. And kids making these like layout grabs.
It's incredible. They want it so bad. And they're also- They have no control over their emotions. So they get so excited when they win and like watching that genuine emotion in them. But also like you see them- That genuine human defeat where they're really sad and they don't know how to handle it. And I mean, as weird as that is to say, it's really indulgent to watch and be like you want to watch people feel something. You see it. I think there should be more emotion in sports. And obviously it's because a lot of televised sports is men who are discouraged show their feelings. But like how much more interesting would games be if we like saw them, you know, cry and like really feel like the weight and the gravity of the game that they're playing.
I don't know. They do it at the ends in Super Bowls and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. But they try to shrug it off.
Everything's possible. Kevin Garnett. Never forget.
Yeah, we want to show two clips. I want to show the clip of that kid doing the hero catch, which was the first thing in the World Series that I saw because I'm not normally into the Little League World Series. My connection to it is that one of your Tom's River, either one or came very close in Tom's River, is near my hometown.
And this clip I saw where I think Jason Kander tweeted, this kid is already a legend. And I went into it with skepticism because I don't really have an attachment and like there's no way he's better than actual baseball players. But then he dives over a fence, catches a ball in the air, sacrifices his body by flipping over the fence, and immediately stands up the other side with the ball, climbs back in and throws it. It's incredible. Oh, yes, he is a legend. This boy will have songs sung about him.
By me. That would be my job.
Going a wild pitch. It's just a really tough way to go home. Reganee driven back. He's at the warning track. He goes over the fence. And Reganee back at the play.
Come on now. Yeah. The other clip that I want to see that you brought to my attention, and it's the home run clip. Yeah.
So there's a kid. So because these kids are, some of them are big boys. Big boys. Yeah. There's one kid who's, I think he's maybe close to 200 pounds. And there's one of the...
Announcers. Announcers is just speculating on, he's like, I think this kid can really hit it. He's like, I've heard that he can hit it way outside the field.
I mean, we've got some trees you can clearly see. It's past where the outfield is. And then there's the fence. And then there's another, you know, football field before there's some trees.
He's like, I bet he could probably hit it to the trees. I wonder if he could. And on the very next pitch, like this kid just rips it. The timing was perfect. It goes all the way back into this forest. Like he hits it into a forest. Yeah. Before it even lands, you see people who aren't in the stadium, but have just like stood outside of the stadium to watch. You see them running to the forest to retrieve them all. To go get it. Shut up. If he hits it to those trees, you know, it's just gone. He can hit it in the trees. Now, if he hits it that far, that'd be amazing. There you go.
It's a grand slam. No doubt. And guess what? It's in the trees. It's incredible. And it looks like he's like, you can see him then in slow motion afterwards, flip his bat and kind of look at it like, I didn't get all that one. Oh my God. Wow. That restores my faith in baseball. They're wonderful. And the whole thing, I think the whole thing is built around.
Look, this is also going to be really fun for you guys. The eclipse is obviously happening during it. And they're like, we're still going to play through the eclipse. We're just going to turn the lights on in the stadium or on the field. And hey everyone, we're giving you all eclipse glasses. So you can watch the game or you can watch the eclipse.
Do what you want. That's so, that's beautiful. You're right. That's pure. Yeah. No, it's wonderful. That's great.
I mean, are you sure you're in the Olympics? No. You're a big Olympics head. No. I like the Olympics more.
Because they're, it's also not about, I mean, they're not professionals. They've, they've dedicated their entire lives to this. But until they get sponsorships, they don't have any money.
That's true. Yeah.
They're, they're not really star athletes. They're not there for, you know, I also love fantasizing about the Olympic village. And I always, I look through all the athletes and figure out who's with who. Or I, in my mind, who I want to be who with it. I basically write game fiction about all the people in the Olympics. And isn't the conclusion, isn't it always, they're all with everyone, except, except no one's with Ryan Lochte.
He just, it's like, I'm locked outside of his apartment. Arrested for peeing on the outside of the building. Tell everyone, somebody put a gun in my head.
No. Do you think they give each other gift baskets?
Thank you.
Don't tell anyone about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't tell anyone about this.
Yeah. And we trade. Okay. It's like in an elementary school Valentine's Day where everyone gives everyone, but it's for sex in the Olympics. Yeah. That's my fan fiction. All right. The other, the other headline that I wanted to get into that was slightly more timely because it just happened while we were talking today.
James Cameron has just come out from the sea and said that he thinks Wonder Woman is a step backwards for like, he thinks it's still like a, like typical male stuff in film. Why? I think because Wonder Woman is beautiful.
Right. He calls it a step backwards. It's a film directed, the first like major film directed by a woman. Yeah.
The highest budget a woman has ever had to make a movie. She is signing an unprecedented deal for the sequel. It is the highest grossing superhero origin story of all time.
But I think because Wonder Woman is very sexy in it, he thinks it's a step backwards because he's saying, Sarah Connor wasn't sexy. She was tough and she was like damaged.
Yeah. Sarah Connor was sexy as hell. Yeah. Hello. Did we all watch the same movie? We saw Sarah Connor. Yes.
That is what, and also too like you from, the reason women liked it was because we could tell that like it was not a male gaze. Like we were not looking at Wonder Woman for her physical attributes.
Like, yeah, she's beautiful. She's, oh that actress is gorgeous. She's gorgeous.
Yeah. But that is not part of the story. Like the camera is not like paying attention to it. Right. It's from like a woman's perspective, like how we look at the world. Right. There wasn't the J.J. Abrams obligatory here's Uhura taking off her shirt. Yeah.
Here's a green woman who's topless too.
It wasn't just like, like let's make sure there's one scene. You don't have that but where Chris Pine goes, oh wow.
Right. Yeah. Exactly. Like the most, the most like, like powerful moment is when like she decides that she's going to, you know, go into the line of battle and risk her life to save everyone. It's not her like revealing her outfit or whatever. Right. And all the opposing soldiers are like, damn. Yeah. That's a weird, it's a weird, stands for him to take. Right. Especially publicly. Yeah.
Especially like, you're the guy also like, I don't want to say too much negative stuff about what he is done for women. Because like, I think it's like Ripley is great.
And Sarah Connor is great. Sarah Connor, they're amazing characters.
But when you're talking about Step Backwards and you're the guy who took, I don't know, 25 years to make fucking 3D Pocahontas. Shut up. You don't know what you're doing. Also, yeah, if I have a controversial idea like this in my mind, I'm going to run it past some people in my private life first.
Yeah. To make sure I'm not. Yeah. Don't, just go on the earth like this. You're James Cameron. You used to be married to Catherine Bigelow, a quite famous female director. Yeah. Shooter text. Like, hey, am I being an asshole about this? Yeah. She would say yes. Yeah. And then don't say it. Yeah. It's a weird opinion. And a weird like, I have the right to say this opinion. Yeah.
Because it's like, you're not a woman. You didn't look through the camera. You're a woman responding to this movie that struck a chord with a lot of people. And also a strange reaction to have. They're just like, she's so hot.
This is wrong. Can't do it. That's also problematic because there's, whoa.
All right. We're good.
That was the first attempt to try to kill you. Didn't work. But. I told you, she's bad at schemes. I'm hurting my teeth.
Oh, video. Yeah. That's also problematic saying that because a woman is beautiful, they are not this and that and this. Yeah. Right. Because she's fucking strong as. Well, that's what I'm confused about. She's a half god, basically. If you're, thanks to biological imperative, like the, the formulaically attractive person is somebody who is athletic in nature. Right. The athletic body is what we consider the people. Yeah.
So, so what are you going to do? Like, what is your other option in that scenario? How do you? Nerdy, wonder woman, oh boy. Well, even then, what else do you do?
Maybe she's built like a running back. You could do that.
But. That would be a different take and certainly acceptable. But yeah, that's also problematic to say that because she was beautiful, she was not this and that. Because that is also a thing that is wrong with, like, like men betraying women. Yeah. Is that if they're beautiful, they're not smart or they're not this or they're not that. So.
Wonder Woman continues to be great.
Return to the sea.
Go back to your depth, nerd. There's four Avatar movies coming out. I forget every two weeks, and then I read it again. It's like, why? Go make your Munkos. He's, he's having a tough time right now because Josh Brolin recently came out with an interview that was like, yeah, I told James Cameron I didn't want to do his Avatar movies and he kept calling me a bunch of names. Wow. Brolin was just like, if I wanted to do your Avatar movies, I would have done them. I don't want to do them.
He was really mean to me. He's really mean to me. I'm a weird old man.
Yeah. That's gonna be it for the headlines. I want to get into our main story, but before we do, we've been doing retractions now, or we started last week when I got, I think classic Animorphs blunder. Yeah. Last week, Maggie. Uh oh. You said. Damien does not work at Hot Topic? Yes. Okay.
And you also said, The Island of Dr. Moreau, the plot of that was also the plot of Spy Kids 3. It is Spy Kids 2. It's Spy Kids 2.
Oh man. You two f*** up an awful lot. You f*** up an awful lot. And you know what?
Actually, my thought process behind Spy Kids 2 versus 3, they were both riddling around in my head, but I was like, I remember that plot being crazy. So it has to be the third movie, because there's no way that they would pin that down as a second movie. Riddle me incorrect. I think it's the second movie. It's that crazy. I think we also got. Riddle me incorrect.
That'll be a retraction next week. I stand by that one.
We got some of the plot rung from Ready Player One. Ready Player One is not in any way close to pixels at all.
In fact, we now found out that it's much closer to The Wizard, the old Red Savage vehicle. Everyone knows that. It's basically the same plot as The Wizard.
A whole bunch of commenters were like, you guys, I hope someone told you what Ready Player One was about. And then I bought the book and I read it.
It's really good. We're totally wrong in our thing. I'm looking forward to the movie. It looks great.
What's our main story this week? Oh, our main story this week is top 10 or top 15.
We haven't shared our list, so we don't know if there's going to be overlap. But we're going to make the definitive list of the most underrated comedies of all time.
I think we'll just go. Thank God we got these three comedic minds. Oh, boy. To decide it for everyone. To decide it. Well, this is great. Everyone's crying out and keeping their back pocket. I'll tell you what. I bet this is going to be an incredibly diverse list. Oh. Well, yeah. We have a real wild card on set.
Why is everybody looking at me?
I've already mentioned them. Brizzy New Brie was one of mine, and that stays on my list. The first one that I want to mention is Dirty Work, which is a 90s Norm Macdonald joint that only came about because he was friends with Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler was making movies that people liked, and Sandler just told the studio.
I was like, I don't do it. No, no, no. That was great. Please keep going with that.
You should give Normie a movie. And the studio was like, yeah, whenever you have one, we'll give you a movie. And it's a movie about two best friends who, spoiler alert, turn out to be brothers, who need to raise a bunch of cash to save their father with an expensive heart surgery.
And they find out the only thing they're good at is revenge. So they become a revenge-for-hire business. Norm Macdonald, Artie Lang, Chevy Chase, Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore, F***ing Don Rickles, Chris Farley. Wow.
Nobody liked this movie. It did not make a lot of money.
I think I'm a die-hard, unapologetic Norm Macdonald fan. And it's just anything that he does, I will stand by forever.
And you haven't seen Dirty Work? I don't have to see it. I have not seen it. Me neither.
I guess you're probably right. Did the critics fan it? Yes. Oh, really? No one really liked it. But you.
Except me and Joe Valenzuela, Chris Bernola, Steve Latman, Mike Caruso. That's my buddies. Oh, they're my four buddies.
Oh, OK. That's good. That's good that I shouldn't know them. I have one on my list that I think will probably have some overlap, but it's a real shot in the dark here.
Goon? Is anyone familiar with the movie Goon? Goon?
Yes. That's not on my list, but that movie's great. It's a movie about a hockey enforcer. OK. A guy who just fights on a hockey team. Shamiem Scott is the main character. Oh, yes. The Cobra.
I used to see it all the time when I would, you know, go to VHS stores. They are making a sequel to it.
I don't know why. I mean, it did very, very poorly.
Yeah. But it's so funny and good. Really? Yeah. It's really, really a good dry comedy. Directed by, I think it's directed, but it's definitely written by Jay Baruchel, who's from Man Seeking Woman and a bunch of other things. OK, yeah.
He's given himself a little part in this. Shamiem Scott is, I think, a very underrated actor. I think he's really good. He kind of fell off the roof. He did a bunch of stuff, and then no one's kind of paying attention to him anymore.
Well, he's in the next one. I don't know. Yeah. He's in Goon too. I can't wait to see it. Yeah. Liam Shriver was in it.
It's like a role. I don't know how exaggerated it is, because I'm not a hockey fan, but the Goon is the nickname for the guy in your hockey team who gets in lots of fights, because fighting is legal in hockey, and you just want a guy who could take a lot of punishment and sort of rally everyone, I guess. And that's the slot that he occupies for this team. He's otherwise not qualified to be a hockey player, but they're like, you're big and dumb and sweet, and you're good at fighting, so that's what you're going to do here. I think that's a great idea for him.
It sells itself. It's really, really great.
Yeah. It's a shame. I thought probably you would have that on there. Yeah. I just forgot. Damn it.
That's a good one. It's a really good one.
Well, I guess I'll start. Okay. All right.
So this one's underrated, because it's technically a kids' movie, so I think people don't want to take it seriously. Horton Hears a Who from 2008, starring Steve Carell, Jim Carrey, Carol Burnett. Bell's ringing. I mean, I know what it is. I'm trying to think of moments for me that I'm like, yeah, that's a genuinely great movie. There's no way this is a good movie. It is so good. There's a character named Katie in it who is just a side character, and she was just like this little fluffball, but like during the movie, things will be happening, and she'll be like in a conversation, and then just like turn around in the middle of it during class and like look at her butt during scenes in the movie, or like this other scene in the movie, she eats a bug in the background, and you kind of don't realize it, but then like a minute later, like it's like a silent moment, and then she goes, and the bug like flies out, and all the kids freak out. It's so funny.
What animal is she? She's a made-up animal.
She's Dr. Sis. Okay. Yeah, it's Dr. Sis. Who knows? She looks like a little fluffball.
Yeah. Opposite of a fun fact, a not fun fact. Uh-oh. It's actually pronounced Sois. No. Get off. Get out of here. It is. Yeah, they're a bunch of, because it's a theater guy, because it's like a German name, is what he pulled from. Yeah.
There are a lot of other poets and writers of the day who have written poems, like including mice as the rhyming partner to... Sis. Sis, or choice with Sois, and like specifically, they put these poems out to like let everyone know, hey, you're doing the wrong thing.
I say not fun fact, because ABAP percent are occasional director of this show, but not this episode. This episode's out of cancer. ABAP percent, our director and a guy I've known for a decade, mentioned Dr. Sois, and I was like, hey, fun fact, it's actually Sois.
And he pulled me aside and was like, don't tell people that. People aren't going to like you. That's a really pedantic and everything to do. Wait, I don't know. You're not going to make a lot of friends doing that. You should all comment that you don't like Danny.
He was on whatever that show is where you have to like... Abe? No, no, no. Dr. Sois, who is on the show. Yeah, why didn't he correct it himself if everyone's around saying it wrong? He would acknowledge Sois. They called him Dr. Sois, and whatever that show is where you have to guess who the celebrity is, and they give you a bunch of clues. Hollywood Squares?
No. He's way older than... What the f***? No.
You've got a bunch of celebrities in squares that you're playing tic-tac-toe with their faces. Oh, I actually never knew how they... I was just waiting for somebody to come and tell me. You thought it was a grid where they bring out normal people and they're like, guess which celebrity we've trapped in that box at there.
He throws it over three. That's a weirder show than I thought it was. I guess. Yeah, he never corrected people. We're off on a tangent. Anyways, it's like so funny and so many things and it don't make sense and it's... You guys.
All right. All right, I'll watch it.
I've got a child. I bet he'll enjoy it. I enjoy it. He will love it.
It does double. It does double errors.
There's jokes for you. I certainly enjoyed Soisicle the Moisticle, I guess is what I have to call it now. But the musical that Eric Eidel wrote based on Sois' characters. Yep. I'll probably like it. It's great.
It does not belong on this list. Where do I think it's going to be?
I have some recent ones. It's underrated. I have some that I think that will... They will stand up to the test of time but are not really... Nobody really knows them right now.
Two of them. One is Welsh and the other one I think is from New Zealand.
What are we doing in the shadows? Oh, I almost had that. What we do in the shadows is just sort of crept under the radar and that's an outstanding movie.
Outstanding. It's so funny. And then there's another movie. Richard Aote did a movie called Submarine. Oh, that was awesome. It's a Welsh movie. It's very dry and fast-paced and it's a coming-of-age story about a 15-year-old kid who's trying to have sex before he's 16. Which doesn't sound like an American Pie movie. It's not that at all. It's so funny though. Yeah, it's wonderful.
Very similar. So I have one from Ireland, Waking Ned Devine. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which... I haven't seen it. What's it about? You know, it's so someone in this small Irish town wins the lottery. Is it Ned Devine? Yes, yep.
But he dies from shock immediately.
So this entire town is like... Trying to say what to do. It's like millions of dollars. We should pretend that he's still alive and split the money between our teeny tiny town. That's a good idea for a movie.
Yeah, it's great. It's lovely. It's like heartfelt.
There's a lot of old... Everybody's old. Everyone's old.
It's so great. It's one of those movies where you're like, I guess I do like old people. They are charming and funny. They do have value.
Oh, God. That one. And then one from 1985 called Welcome to the Dollhouse. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's Todd Zlunz. Yeah. He did Happiness. Right, yeah. So, yeah.
And it's got the... What's her face? I can't pronounce her last name.
Bram. Montezaro?
No.
She plays Lily in Princess Diaries. Yes. It's her as a little kid in this movie. And it's so funny. Very similar coming of age. She's trying to have sex. Yeah. And... It's like a brutal coming of age. Very realistic. Oh, yeah.
Very dark. Very, very like, this isn't American Pie at all. There's a bully who calls her on the phone and threatens to rape her and it's played for really dry laughs.
Yeah.
It's very dark. Very dark still comedy, but...
It's a good... For anyone who sees like, she's all that, and is like, that's not the nerdy kid's story. That's not what it's like. Or can't hardly wait. That's not representative of what it's like to be an outcast. This is the thing for you. Welcome Dollhouse is very much like, like a tough watch if you're having a hard time in middle school. Yeah. You'll fly, you'll breeze through it.
You won't even. Not bringing any pills.
I had on this list, this is a little bit older than what we were just talking about, but Death Becomes Her. You guys seen that movie? I haven't seen it. I have. But, yeah. It's 50% on Rotten Tomatoes. Does it hold up? People didn't like it. I think it does. It's a really, it's a super dark comedy.
It's back when Bruce Willis was still really giving a shit. And he's doing like... Oh, wow. That's a long time ago. Bruce Willis, mustache, hair. He's like, fully Seymour Krell-borning it up. Yeah. There's a simpering asshole in it. Yeah.
He leaves his fiance for, who's Goldie Hawn, leaves her for Meryl Streep when he meets her. And then like seven years later, they're married and miserable.
He does touch-up work at a, as an undertaker, just like fixing faces.
She's an over-the-hill actress. And then Goldie Hawn shows it back in the picture. She's a writer. And she looks really great because she's taken this potion that makes her live forever. And Meryl Streep ends up taking this potion. And they're fighting over Bruce Willis for some, they're fighting over like sad sack, alcoholic Bruce Willis. And before he knows that she's immortal, Bruce Willis pushes Meryl Streep down the stairs and her neck snaps brutally. And now she's got like a snap neck for the rest of the movie. And she shoots Goldie Hawn in the gut and she has a hole in her stomach.
They're both these like two undead, mean zombies who are like, Bruce Willis, you gotta stick around forever and like touch us up so we can live forever because it's very important to us that we live forever. And he's just haunted and tortured by these women.
And they're so fucking funny. Meryl Streep is one of the funniest actors we have in the world. And this movie is just great.
It's really, really dark. It's kind of built like a play a little bit. It all takes place in this mansion. Yeah, it's pretty farcical. It's pretty wacky.
Oh, I like that. I also like the idea of if you treat women bad, they haunt you forever. Yeah. So, I like it. Yeah.
Yeah, think about that.
You're kind of hundreds of people on you. I have another, I have one of the four in ones on here. I should have done that.
Strictly Ballroom, does anyone know that movie? Oh, I have a, I have a friend that was his favorite movie.
That's all I know about it. I think it's Australian. It's the same people that did Priscilla Queen in the Desert, I'm pretty sure.
I don't know if this will have gotten caught on any of the cameras, but you said, has anyone seen that? And I checked my list to see, I haven't seen the movie, but for some reason I was like, oh, I have. I have.
I like you. I can contribute to this conversation. My other self wrote that down.
It's about the ballroom community, ballroom dancing, and how seriously everyone takes it there. It's built very similarly to Best in Show, but it's for these ballroom dancers. But it's got a lot of heart to it, and everybody, you still kind of like the characters who are all way too invested in this, and it's really, really funny.
It's very good. Yeah. Two, three. You guys ready for Dark Horse? Oh, okay. Adam's Family Values. Absolutely holds up. That's the second one. Yeah.
With Joan Cusack, who is another comedic powerhouse. It's the entire subplot with Wednesday and Pugsley at that summer camp. Also trying to kill the baby throughout the beginning of it.
Yeah. Pubert. Pubert? Is that the name of the baby? Yeah. They decided the name is Pubert.
It's way too close to Hubert.
Yes. That's the joke they were playing. I'm sure. Yeah.
We see Gomez at his worst when he gets kicked out of his family house and he's super depressed. They stayed in hotels. Everyone in this, Rael Julia, Angelica Houston, Christina Ricci, Pugsley.
Christopher Lloyd. Peter McNichol.
Catherine Baranski. Christina Ricci? One of the Baranski's. Baranski.
Just a really amazingly dark and funny movie that I can watch any time. And just doesn't like, doesn't feel like it gets talked about in the larger pantheon of good comics.
There was some cinematography tricks that they did in that too that I don't think of anybody else was doing before. Because it wasn't actually a hand. Right. They did that, the hand that, that hand, yeah it was really amazing. So every time that they would like very fast and like ripply come up to somebody. So there was a lot of, where you, the camera wasn't representing anybody. It wasn't a POV. But you get like these fast paced frenetic movements of the camera to somebody.
And then like, it would come all the way to Christopher Lloyd and be like, let's dance. Tony Shalhoub is in the movie for no reason.
Is he? When she thinks she killed Fester at one of the, one of the moments and she's like in some bar with a bunch of sailors. Yeah. She's like single and ready to mingle now. He is one of the sailors that really wants to give her a show. Oh nice. Interesting. That's not on my list. Yeah.
I do have Joan Cusack in School of Rock. Oh damn it. I thought you were going to say my movie. I had it on Cusack one too.
Oh deal. That'll be good too. It'll be a nice little. Yeah. I mean obviously I think everyone likes it. Yeah.
But again I think one people either kind of forget about it because I saw it as a kid or they consider it a kid's movie when really it's just a, it's a fantastic comedy. It's a great story. Just the concept of like this guy getting kicked out of a band and then like getting kids to do his dirty work is so funny. And all like the kid actors are so like earnest.
Yeah. It's got kind of that like the kid baseball heart to it. Yeah. They really want to do good and seeing them like change the soul of Jack Black. Yeah. But I mean I think that's my stumbling point. My rule for Jack Black is that he should always be second or third male lead in a thing because whenever he's main lead and it's a movie with heart then he has like moments of sensitivity that I just have a hard time. He's a little over the top on everything. Yeah. He's perfectly suited for Tropic Thunder in Orange County where you're just like this weird joke dumpster. But when he has to by the end of the movie talk about how now he cares about these kids and I feel like really they're teaching me. Yeah. Then he's like, that's not what I want from you. Yeah.
I do like that movie though. I love it. I think the story is great.
It's so junk because like she's so funny. She's so committed to that character. Yes. She's really on the road. She's wonderful in everything she does. She's fantastic.
Adam Pascal's in that movie for no reason. Oh yeah. Sarah Silverman also and apparently she is in a very kind of serious role. She just plays the his roommate's wife Mike White. He's the guy who wrote it I believe. Yes. I think he wrote and directed it.
He's very good. Everything he does is good.
Adam Pascal and Sarah Silverman second time they've worked together.
It's actually pronounced Suisian. Suisian.
I have. So my Junk Cusack movie is Gross Point Blink. Oh okay. Which I still think is one of the funniest movies I've ever made. I think I watch that movie once a year. It's so wonderful. Yeah.
Dan Aykroyd, Junk Cusack and Joan. Joan Place is basically his contractor.
He's an assassin. Yeah. And he's going back to Jerry Piven. Jerry Piven. Yeah. And he's going back to his high school reunion.
And it's so his Junk Cusack's one-liners are wonderful in that. And I don't even know how you script that movie. Because so much of what he does feels like it's off the cuff. Mm hmm. And oh it's so funny.
Do you see it? Do you have a plot of the movie? I saw it so long ago that I hardly remember anything.
He grew up in a normal town and his graduation left for like started to join the army or military and then got drafted into some very specific killing machine program because he fit a certain profile. Right. But he's like wordlessly ran away and did this thing and then was a professional assassin for a number of years. And then got a thing for his ten-year high school reunion. So he was like, I'm going to go back and see my best friend from there and I'm going to try to reconnect with Minnie Driver who is the girl we got to crush on in high school. He's sort of having a breakdown a little bit. He doesn't know why. He's just like not fulfilled in his life. And the way that I think a lot of people are when they're going back to their reunion. But he just so happens that he's also an assassin.
Do you guys have a cock and bull story? Steve Coogan?
Oh yeah, that's the, it's sort of based on a Tristan Shandy book. Yes, yeah. It's so, it's like a movie within a movie based on an adaptation that's also like a book within a book. Yeah. So the book is about a guy trying to write his own autobiography and failing. Yeah. And the movie is about them trying to make a movie about this autobiography but also failing at the movie. Yeah, that's a hard one. That's a hard elevator pitch. Yeah.
The book is a masterclass in comedy writing. It's fantastic, very difficult to get through. It's so bad.
I think like right in the beginning he was like, I'm going to tell you my story. It begins with my birth. But before we get into that, we need to talk about my conception. And then he describes the majesty of his own conception for like 60 pages.
Yeah. It's really special. And that book just puts you for a comedic ride. And I love this movie. I think it's such an endeavor. Yeah. Hard elevator pitch. How do you make that movie? Yeah. Tim is his buddy from the trip, right? Yeah. What is it? Riding? Yeah. It's so great. And I mean I might be biased because I love Steve Coogan but I think this movie is fantastic. Yeah. I almost put Alan Partridge on my list but I didn't. Yeah.
I started to realize I had too many English movies and I was like, ugh. It's all Americans in here. I got proof that I'm American. I was going to catch you guys off guard.
It's one of these two. Yeah. Umm.
Euro Trip?
No. That's a bad movie. No.
I think I was sore and I think I don't like it. There's two movies that I think came out at the wrong time because of what they were surrounded by. It's Euro Trip and Not Another Teen Movie. Like Not Another Teen Movie came out when they were doing all those date movies. Yeah. They were very scary movies that were bad. Not Another Teen Movie. Different group of folks. It's not the same like family of shitty movies where they're not doing jokes or satire.
They're just like, remember Harry Potter?
What if this, he was this actor? Ha. Alright. Next scene.
Remember The X-Men? Not Another Teen Movie is very good. It's got Captain America in it. It's got Eric Christian Olsen who I think is another like tremendously underrated comedic actor who just plays the cocky blonde guy. It's got the actress whose name I don't know but she was, oh you'll know it from this. Tuesday from that 80s show?
Crickets. Woof. Crickets. Woof.
She's also I'm pretty sure on Grey's Anatomy.
Woah! No! Phew! Greer. Oh, wow.
But it's just a really good, they do what Airplane and all the best satire or parody movies do where we're going to make fun of all this stuff but we're also going to make a legitimately good teen movie. The stakes are going to feel as high as if you were watching Can't Hardly Wait or one of these other things and it's clear that everyone, every single person in that movie was on board with the style of how it was supposed to go and really committed to it and really loved it and I just think because it came out at a time when blank movies were everywhere and they were just failing it turned a lot of people away. Yeah. Give it a chance. It sure renamed it.
Eurotrix came out shortly after road trip and road trip was very bad but Eurotrix, you guys, nobody's here for Eurotrix? I'm pretty sure it's Munko, man. No? I think I did this same thing where I just, I associate both of those movies as the same type and kind. Maybe I'm conflating them. It's possible that I never saw a Eurotrix and only saw a road trip and I'm like, no, that movie sucked. Fred Armisen's in it, Thomas Lennon is in it, Thomas Lennon is in it.
Okay. Did Thomas Lennon make it? No, I don't think so. Okay. But he maybe did. I don't know why I said that so quickly. Okay.
Harriet Spies in it. Love Harriet Spies. You know that's not a real person.
Shh, what? Wait, what? Who solves all the mysteries on that neighborhood street?
Her brother or her father. No, John, no!
The cops.
Do you guys have any other ones? Yeah, I got a couple more.
CB4 is on my list. What is that? Creighton Barrel 2? Because I was starting to think that maybe this was too well known and it was too successful to put on this list. Tell me, tell me. Do you know CB4? No. I also assumed it was Creighton Barrel 2 but 4. I'm starting to think in my mind that maybe this is the wrong title because you don't know it.
This is a movie that was built, I think Chris Rock made it. It's weird to call it built, but I did. Chris Rock and maybe some other people put this together. It was making fun of having to create a marketable image of yourself when you became a hip-hop artist and it's making fun of like NWA, it's making fun of...
Was it also called Sub-Block 4? No, I think it was just called CB4. I mean that's what it means, Sub-Block 4. But the group is called CB4 in it.
And it's so funny, it's a really great parody of hip-hop. That sounds... I love hip-hop, so I would probably love that. It's wonderful.
And Chris Rock is in it, he makes fun of some characters that he's played in other stuff. There's nods to him in New Jack City and some other things. CB4 is really, really funny, yeah.
Alright. Well, it's on the definitive list. Yeah. Probably Ricky's in it. We didn't build in a system whereby we could like veto any answers. Yeah, I guess. Unless I've seen it and can argue with you why it doesn't work. But now, my hands are tied on this. Yeah. Wow. I'll put that on the list. What else do I got? I got Waiting, Ryan Reynolds, Anna Faris. Yes.
That is a good movie. No, it's not. It is! It is so good.
You don't like Waiting? No, I don't.
I watched it in a hotel once and I loved it. I loved that movie. It was the perfect timing. Perfect.
I love it. It's better than it was supposed to be. I think it's good! I think it's great! I think it's one of those things.
That was very generous, Dan. That was very nicely offered.
It's so, it's very watchable and like, I think I kind of like those movies that have a meandering plot, I guess. I like that. I don't like that it has a, I like that it doesn't have like a kind of beginning, middle, end, like resolution or whatever.
They do such weird things, like the character who doesn't talk to the very final scene. Like, I think it has a lot of gumption. He's involved in that character who doesn't speak to the final scene.
Yeah. Not at all. He keeps trying to speak. He also wrote the Spider-Man movie that you just saw. Oh man, that movie sucks so hard. Yeah. Wow. Oh, I don't need to see Bones.
This is so great. This is wonderful. Yeah, it's, I think it's great.
Here's what I decided my issue with that movie is. Yes. I waited tables for years. Oh. And also, I used to be a writer. And that's the kind of thing that likes to be a writer. When you see The Office, anyone who has waited tables wants to make like the definitive, this is what waiting tables is like. Because we all have so many stories and so many experiences. Right. And your friends are like, you want to write The Office of waiting tables or like The Office Space if we're doing a movie. And that movie got so many things wrong about what it's like to be a waiter. Not like I need it to be true to life or anything like that. But there's a good and relatable way to do this movie that I wanted it to be and it wasn't. Wow.
I did not wait tables. I was a cashier at Jimmy John's. Oh, I did make sandwiches at Jimmy John's. That's not really a restaurant. Did you hand the food to people?
Yeah. It counts. It did. And I loved it. No, I can see that. I love it.
I think it's rewatchable and I think a lot of people don't like it. What about Waiting 2? Did you see that one? Justin Long comes back.
Does he? He sure does. Ryan Reynolds doesn't.
Yeah, that makes sense. There's like a really depressing epilogue for Justin Long. Because he's the one with the closest thing to an arc in the first movie. Yeah. And Waiting 2, he's like a manager at this chain of shenanigans or whatever the restaurants are. Yeah, that's sad. Wow. That's a weird crossover. That would be an interesting crossover. Yeah. Did they take place in the same universe as Office Space? Yeah. Oh, wow.
I think that's also why I liked it because a lot of the characters seemed like depressed in it, which I think is great. True to life.
Okay. Okay, anyways. I'm going to just burn through too quickly because I don't think they're going to be very controversial.
Kiss, kiss, bang, bang. What do you mean? That is a great one. Thanks.
And Clue. Clue is one that a lot of people hate that movie so much. What? People hate that movie?
Yes. It's a very divisive or divisive. I've always said divisive, but someone on her staff went to Harvard and she says divisive. Oh, yeah. No, divisive. It's divisive? Okay. It's too divisive. I don't know.
But yeah, that's a movie that a lot of people just absolutely can't stand that movie and I'm nuts about it. I actually didn't know that people did not like that movie.
I think it's Tim Curry's best movie. Best movie?
So far. There's less. Always waiting for him to come back. Oh. He's just going to make Legend 2 someday. Oh, man. It is a very good movie. So that's the end of your list? I have two more. Okay.
I think I might know what one of them is. I bet 1,000% you don't know what 50% of my last two are. You might know one of them is, but you...
I have on my list In Bruges. I had Seven Psychopaths, which is also in Bruges.
Oh. Okay. Same movie, basically.
They're both Martin McDonough writing and directing pieces and anyone who has seen them likes them, but just not enough people have seen them. They're so fucking good. I've seen Seven Psychopaths.
I've only seen half of In Bruges. In Bruges. And yeah, I don't think I laughed a lot, but I enjoyed it.
Yes. So maybe that's what I thought. So it's almost... We'll put it on there. She said she enjoyed it. Okay. What's going on? Oh, great. Is that going on my Lulu profile? I talked previously on this show about Cable Guy, how much I love the Cable Guy. That's right. I think it's a very, very funny movie and I think it still holds up. So obviously that's on here. And then I also talked on here about Drop Dead Fred before. Yeah.
Which is maybe my favorite movie from my childhood. I've seen that movie more than any other movie.
Wow. What do I... Okay. I have The Stupids from 1996.
No. Absolutely not. Get out of here. No, Arnold.
It's so great. He didn't even write that... It's so great.
That I Am My Own Grandpa song was really not for that movie. I Am My Own Grandpa.
Yes. Learned later that it's like an old folk song. Yeah. That's been around for a while. The last time I watched him sing I Am My Own Grandpa, which was a true story, literally last week. What?
He is not acting at all. His face is so weird. He looks haunted.
We're going to do a clip of Tom Arnold singing I Am My Own Grandpa right now. It's so good. It's very, very bad. It's so good.
Okay. No. Okay. Other great parts about the movie. Yeah, go. Please tell me on it. When he runs into the garage and he goes, hmm, two wheels. And he's trying to... Okay.
Set it up for us. Paint the scene. All right.
It's a family and they're very stupid. They're very stupid.
Okay. Slow down.
And it's very dumb. There are very dumb jokes that are... That's the entire movie. Just come in succession. Dumb joke after dumb joke. And after a while, it's the funniest fucking thing that you've ever seen because they just won't let up from the dumb jokes.
They go to a planetarium and they see a guy and his name tag says Lloyd and they think he's the Lord. They're like...
That's a bad joke. Yeah. It's so bad.
But that's like an hour into the movie and at that point you're like, okay, you're fine. You've been drugged by the pandemonium of the movie and by the time it gets to the 45 minute mark, you're like, it's crazy that anyone made this. That's the kind of trickery that got everyone into Brian Setzer and the stray cats in the 90s. So consumed by fucking...
No, swing. This is the swing resurgence. Let's not disco.
Oh, if I were feeling colors on myself. Sorry for Ebbing myself.
Do you skink? What? Can you skink? I can't skink.
No one has ever said let's not disco. You and Jake didn't say that.
When Stefani... When Stefani is like, nah, it was bad.
I should have let's go. I stand by that one.
There was some kind of plot in Stupid, right? Did they either have a lot of money somehow? They somehow get into weapons arms dealing, which is hilarious. It's these...
No character knows the plot of the movie, which I think is fascinating. None of the characters know what is happening in the plane of the movie. The person in the movie?
The Stupid family doesn't know. They're like ass-backing their way into everything. That's Adam's family too. They don't know they're weird.
Is there somebody who's trying to get the Stupids? Yes. I can't remember if it's a cop or mafia or maybe this goes all the way to the top and he's both. But just because I rewatched the I Am My Own Grandpa song, they cut from the studio where he's singing that song to a man in office who's like, well the Stupids are taken care of. There he is on my TV and he's like, get me the Stupids.
He's laughing.
Because I'm going to your response because I know it's going to be great. This is going to be... It's so great. I think it's funny. That's on your list of the best...
Underrated. I think it's underrated. I don't think it's magical by any means but I think they did a great job of creating these characters that somehow don't know anything that's happening in the rest of the world of this movie.
They'll do one dumb joke that ends up going to the guy who's selling weapons to Iraq and that's fucking hilarious. No. Adam, you're a comedy director. Maggie's a piece of shit, right?
Big nod. Big huge nod.
Oh, he's giving me a disaster. I don't know. Like any of the things you said. Oh! Oh, we're not pregnant. Do you have a Muppets Treasure Island on that list? I didn't put it on but I wanted to. Good linear response.
What's Tim Curry? Good Tim Curry style.
I also have Mouse Hunt, 1997. I considered it.
Nathan Lane and that other fella whose name Christopher something. He's very good at everything. Lee Evans. Lee Evans, that's right. Christopher Lee Evans. Christopher Watkins is in it.
For like a brief hot second. That's right. Yeah. He tries to kill the mouse and at the end of the movie we realize we're not going to kill the mouse and we open like an artisanal cheese and knitting factory. Yeah. They inherited their fortune from knitting and now they combine like mouse stuff with knitting stuff.
See, how's that sillier than the stupid?
I'll rest my case. I mean I don't feel like the defense got a word in those words. That's why I'm resting my case because it's so great.
Lou Mouse Hunt is great. A lot of physical comedy.
Yeah. Love it. Then, are we on our last one? I feel like... Yeah. There's one I didn't put on my list that's also got him in it that I think is outstanding.
Lee Evans or Nathan Lane? Nathan Lane.
Birdcage. Oh, Birdcage I love.
But I guess that's really well. I guess that was beloved at the time. I think people like that. Yeah. That's fine. All right. I can let that one go. My last one was a little boxing satire called Great White Hype. Yeah. It's very, very good. Yeah.
It's the same Rockwells in there, right? No. It's the... Oh. Peter Berg. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. But like he's got this... Well, too bad he's not in it. Boxer, that's fantastic. Mm-hmm.
But like a dick and the fights aren't fun because he wins them in 13 seconds. And so Sam Jackson finds the only guy to ever knock this guy out before he was professional. And it's Peter Berg and he's like, you're going to come out of retirement and you're going to take this guy down. You're the only one who could take down... Guy's name is... His boxing name is the Grim Reaper Roper.
And they build up so much hype for this fight. And the whole movie is just like everything that goes into like a Don King type personality. Right. It's everything is corrupt in boxing and everything is ridiculous and everything is a show and it's just this wonderful satire with great performances.
Jeff Goldblum's is in it. Cheech Marin is in it. Did you call him Jeff Goldblum's?
Yeah.
Because he was almost... There's all of it. He was almost Jeffy Gold's. And I was like, I don't think people are going to get that immediately. Do you call him Jeff Goldblum's because in The Fly he's actually turns into two things and now there's two of him somewhere. I just like an against you. I got one more. Almost Heroes 1998. Wait.
Matthew Perry and Chris Farley. Yeah. I don't really remember this movie at all. Matthew Perry's in a movie with Chris Farley.
Understated. Nope, not what we're doing. Underrated. We appreciate it. Underrated. Next week we're getting into the 10 most understated movies.
This is going to seem like I'm just picking on you. Picking on me.
No, no. Here's the thing. I don't like any of your movies either. It's fun. All right.
So I hate Matthew Perry, but I like this movie. What do you hate Matthew Perry? What? Don't let anyone hate Matthew Perry.
Studio 60, bro.
Oh, not great. Not great.
Wes, we got a great show. That was a good show. Studio 60, not great.
I've never seen Friends. I've never seen an episode.
The Whole Nine Yards is a great movie.
Yeah. Well, I don't think people hate Matthew Perry. Okay. They just not universally hate it. I think I hate Matthew Perry. That's fine. He is okay.
But I like this movie. I think it's just a super funny idea about the two people who want to beat Lewis and Clark. It's historical. I love anything that's historical. There are so many just funny comedic scenes in this that are quite enjoyable. It's definitely a great idea for a movie.
Yeah. It's something that we've always wanted to do too. We're brainstorming different shows and stuff to do the idea because Lewis and Clark and others like them were sent by the presidents. I don't think this comes up in the movie. But they were sent like, yeah, go explore. See as far as you can get. Also, we have a suspicion that there's bigfoots and aliens and stuff. Yeah. And we want you to find them. They were explorers slash the X-Files gang where they're like, find the weird shit and report on it for us.
And it's a very rich environment for cool storytelling and fun new jokes. And I think the movie missed a lot of those opportunities. Oh, yeah. It's definitely, it's not perfect by any means. And it definitely plays into that like, all right, this is a Chris Farley movie. It's going to play into all the Chris Farley things. There's going to be a lot of physical humor.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, but they did something different. Like he had a nice little run with Tommy Boy and Black Sheep, which my uncle is in. And he played like Dumb and Sweet, which was the dumb sweet up is like a good thing for Chris Farley. And in Almost Heroes, they made him manly man. They made they made him like the real seasoned adventurer. And Matthew Perry was sort of the foppish guy that was his forced partner.
Yeah, I think I think it was funny. I think especially for that like time period and those type of comedies. I mean, that was when I would watch all the time as a kid. Yeah, over and over.
And again, I think it's I think the idea is definitely better than the execution. But I do think that it deserves more than it gets thousand percent. There's going to be a bunch of Native American jokes that do not hold up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be. Yeah. Oh, I'm sure there's like a Jew in it. And I can't remember any tastefully, right? I bet it's tastefully handled now. So there's that. Yeah.
Well, this is the definitive list. That's the definitive list and you have to do it now. We've got to inform you this is the definitive list. Everyone's list.
Here's a who. Forever and ever. Questions from you, the people. Yeah. And Sorin has decided what they are. So Maggie and I don't know what they are this week.
I collected them this time. Let's start with this one from Katie Buettner. She asked what pop culture crush did you have as a kid that you were embarrassed by now? I'm going to add a caveat to this, though.
No one can pick Robin Hood. The animated Robin Hood?
Yes. Or cartoons in general. No, I think cartoons are fine. But I think that that one in particular, I know that it made Marion was a big deal for Dan and I. I know you like Robin Hood and all.
So I'm embarrassed by now. I'm not embarrassed, Goku. I'm not embarrassed whatsoever.
Goku. Yeah. He's gorgeous.
But were there any that you are embarrassed by? I will say all of my questions.
Goku, Danny Phantom. He was an adorable animated cartoon character. Who else?
Jake Gyllenhaal was my first, like, real person crush. Yeah, but that's fine. Thank you. I have a crush on Jake Gyllenhaal now. Me too. I saw him at UCB one time.
I would say probably Hello Nurse from Animaniacs, because she is... Hello Nurse.
Doesn't almost, doesn't like say anything or take much agency. She's just like designed to be a super hot lusted after thing. Yeah. So I'm a little bit embarrassed by that, because like it's just very, it also makes me feel really like boring and basic, like blonde and a huge rack. And she's a sexy nurse. And I was like bummed at myself for not being more creative as a kid. Such a basic bit.
The same way Chuck Closterman talks in, I think, Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs about how disappointed he was in himself for being physically attracted to Pamela Anderson, because he fancied himself an intellectual. I mean, we're gonna get into a whole lot of like, this was a book written a while ago, so we're gonna get into some like definite shaming of some kind. But he was like a bookish, thoughtful person. And then when the Pam Anderson sex tape came out, he was like, really, I'm into that?
But she's just a Barbie doll. She's just, aren't I different than society? Like, aren't I more thoughtful that I'm not programmed, I'm not so brainwashed by society that I'm staring at a large-breasted blonde fake woman?
And I'm like, I thought, aren't I supposed to like something better than that, which is why there are problems. But yeah, that's kind of...
I do remember when Pamela Anderson was on Saturday Night Live, in the introductory monologue, she says that she... Everybody said, don't worry about it.
Like, if you get nervous, just picture yourself naked. Because she's wrong, she's obviously mixing it up. And then she gets naked on the stage, and they blur it out for it. But I remember seeing that as a kid and being like, but she was really naked there. She was really naked.
Everyone in that crowd saw it. Everyone in that crowd saw her naked.
That was a real thing for me too, where I was like, if I was there on that day, I would have seen it. I would have seen her naked. I would have seen everything. You had time travel.
That's what... yeah. Hello, nurse. But she is designed to be really sexual. And that's not crazy. As your kid, I mean, that's not anything to be embarrassed by, I guess. You're understanding... That's the most primitive understanding of sexuality. She's someone who's just designed to be sexual.
I guess I also liked Ash Ketchum. That's kind of embarrassing, because he's so boring. I don't know.
When he's a child. Yeah, well, so was I. He was my age. I would have been a great trainer. For me, it was...
So, I can't remember her name, but on Designing Women, Designing Women, there was the blonde woman, who's now been in a lot of things. I think she was in the second season of Fargo. She was the matriarch in the second season of Fargo. Oh, she was smart. Yeah, when she was in Designing Women, I had a big crush on her.
And Amy Potts a little bit too, but it was really... I was all about the other one. And it was... As I got older, I started to realize how much she looked like my mom.
Oh! Oh, boy. Whoa! Wowdy!
Right. So, that one doesn't feel great.
I had sort of like a real-time embarrassing crush situation when I was in high school. And I really, really was into Sarah Michelle Geller. And everyone was like, oh yeah, obviously from Buffy. And I had to go along with that. But really, it was her as Kendall Hart in All My Children. That's where I first discovered her. And she had brown hair then. And I was like, I'm really into that actress. Yeah, Mom, I don't mind watching All My Children With You every f***ing day. And then being in high school, like, Sarah Michelle Geller is so hot. From Buffy, you say?
Oh, yeah, me too. Oh, wow. Same.
I saw Jurassic Park many, many times. And not because I like the movie, but because I had a huge crush on Ariana Richardson, who was the little girl in that movie. That's not like a vehicle for her beauty. She's covered in mud for most of the movie. And dinosaurs snot. But I was so into her.
And I'd seen Tremors. She's in Tremors too. Sorry, she's in Tremors, T-O-O. Like, she's in Tremors.
And she's also in Spaced Invaders.
Angus? I don't know what that is. You would love Angus. Angus belongs. Angus ought to knock one of your piece of f***ing movies out.
No, no, no, no, I'm too late.
I used to pretend that when I'd go to, like, bicycle to my baseball games, that maybe perchance she would be there and, like, she would see me play baseball and fall in love with how good I was at baseball. Guys, remember that, like, hope of, like, seeing that person you'll never see? Like, in real life.
But, like, maybe, I don't know, life is crazy. And I'm a kid. Yeah, who knows? Maybe I should show up in my small town of 70,000 people just to come watch me play baseball. It certainly is a kid thinking either Christina Ricci or Anna Tzolensky would run out of one of their movies and into Haslet, New Jersey.
Yeah. Just made him know. Okay, I have another one here for you. Good.
Jacob, not Jake, at Psycho Hippie. He asks, which fictional character is most like you? Not who you want to be like, but who you are actually like.
Oh, man. That's such a good question. We should cast each other. This is hard to tell. Think about yourself. Yeah, maybe we might have to do it that way. I was thinking about it, and I think I might... I don't know if there's even an honest answer you can give. Yeah. Because I was like, who do I feel like I'm most kindred spirit with? And I was like, Matt Saracen from Friday Night Lights. And there's no way I'm as good as Matt Saracen. That's hard. I'm like a... But the idea of a begrudging athlete who's like, wait, maybe this is my thing, I don't know. Yeah. And still kind of scared of the world a little bit. He's such a good heart, and I'm just not that. Yeah. I think... That's a really tough one. Yeah, the one that's like coming to mind, I guess, is Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries. Because she's, you know, like, you know, just like average or whatever, but, you know, trying to do her best, but like is smart. But, you know, I don't know.
She's very relatable, I guess, when I saw that movie. I think there's going to be a better example from TV that I'm not thinking of right now, but the closest, I think, is Michael Cera's character in Superbad. That movie stuck with me a whole... Because he's certainly nerdy in an outcast, but still doesn't feel that way.
Like I wasn't running my school or anything like that and certainly had bullies. But I liked the people that I was with. Like we didn't want to advance from our social station because we always thought we were having the most fun, no matter what anything looked like. They were popular kids, jocks and tweets, whatever. We still like enjoyed our kind of fun and like the idea of having a small group of guys that talk a lot of shit on each other and don't get late in high school.
It was really like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a line where the two best friends, Jonah Ryan... No, Michael Cera turns to Jonah Ryan and is like, because of you, I'm leaving high school as a friendless virgin. And me and my closest friend were like, Hey, that's us. That's us.
I love you. I think probably... And even this feels too nice. I feel like maybe Stiffler from American Pie. For you? Yeah, like... You need to hate yourself a little bit more. I know.
Occasionally has some good ideas, but it's just kind of an asshole's and selfish shit. It's a really hard game to play. It's hard, it's hard.
Oh. Because he comes to town and he's an immediately very handsome popular guy and wants to... I should be with Glinda, the popular girl. That's the thing that makes sense. But you find out that he's a really sweet guy and just sort of plays into this dumb, handsome stereotype because he knows what people like at his core. You pick the right woman and you free animals and you're on the right side of history. And then you become the scarecrow. Oh, right.
I only had a brand. It's really hard for me not to say Charlie Brown or Linus for myself. Before the question was even done, I was like, don't fucking say Linus. Don't say Stiffler move. You have no powers. It's a fine line to walk because you really want to grandize yourself or you think of which characters you want it to be like.
Yeah. Obviously I'm John Cusack from High Fidelity. Right. But then at the same time, you're like, well, no, no, no. And then you overcorrect in the other direction. Yeah. All right. Well, what about like my worst quality? Yeah, yeah. Where can I find those in the film? Sauron from Lord of the Rings maybe? Yeah. Okay.
What's one of Philip Seymour Hoffman's filthiest roles?
Oh, boy. This is a... Let's do two more. Okay. This is a hard one. It's not a two more. A fun one. Chris Pranger at the Chris Pranger.
He says, considering Daniel Day-Lewis becomes an expert at anything he method acts. What profession should we write a script for him so that he has to method act his way into benefiting the world? Whoa. So what could we actually like? What could we use his gifts for to make the world a better place if we could make Daniel Day-Lewis an expert at anything? Oh, boy.
Sex education in schools.
Oh, that's a great one. Yeah. That's so good.
It's all required in 24 states of all our 50 states for graduation. So, half of our country doesn't get sex ed. Like a large portion is abstinence only. So, and obviously that increases teen pregnancy, which like decreases like higher education pursuits.
It goes all the way to the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It goes all the way to the top.
Much like the movie The Stupids. I mean, you should write something for us about sex education in America because it sounds like a rich topic. I feel like... That's a great one though. He'd be a really good presenter of that. Well, I don't know because there are definitely sex ed experts now that aren't getting listened to.
Yeah. Both of our mothers, for example. Yeah, that's true. Oh, boy. Dan and I both had moms that taught sex ed. Oh, look at that. Yeah.
Was it good? Did you learn about sex? I don't know. It's fine.
Yeah, no, it was awful. It was terrible.
I'm trying to... Yeah. You watch your mom use a dental dam in front of a class of your... And that's pretty rough. Wow, wee. Poof. Yeah.
But him doing a movie about sex education in which we make it more engaging and then having him also speak to it would be... Yeah, that's a great idea. Yeah, let's fix that.
I don't know. Climate change or healing racial problems in America. This is a movie about a guy who fixes racism. I don't know.
Yeah. I think that was Lincoln. Oh, yeah. So that didn't work. Nope. I mean, it started to...
Is he, like, Lewis an expert in everything that he... All the movies that he does? I have no idea.
I just thought this was a fun hypothetical. A fun hypothetical. If there was somebody who was like...
Just acting was like they became an expert at actual... Yeah. You know that he... When he...
He's like Robert De Niro and that... Robert De Niro did Taxi. He went and drove a taxi for all, like, months and months.
I mean, the stuff I hear about him is like, oh, he went and cobbled in Italy. Cobbled shoes for years. He didn't make any movie about cobblers, though.
Yeah, no. He's like, did it. Yeah. Also, that doesn't really help with all that much. Yeah. I'm going to do one more question because I can't think of a good... Other than... The sex ed is so good that I don't even want to call it with one. Yeah. It won't measure up. All right. You sound like my mom. Yeah.
Oh, no. Big jokes and... This is one that wasn't actually us, but it was one that I thought of while I was reading all these. So sorry, everyone. I didn't get to yours and instead came up with my own. Don't ask me to do this again.
What's a movie you should never watch with your significant other? Oh. Either on a date. You'd never go on a date and watch this movie or you would never watch it with your significant other.
That's a really good question. And the one that immediately came to mind was because I had watched it with my wife and thought that was a big mistake. Mm-hmm. Was the movie Closer? Oh, I thought you were... No. I was going to say Closer. I thought you were going to say Blue Valentine.
Oh, that's also... That also... Yeah. That's another really, really hard...
One to not watch. Both Blue Valentine and Closer. Closer's really tough to watch with somebody that you love.
Yeah. And yeah, and my Blue Valentine is really, really rough because it's just about a relationship that's falling apart. Yeah. And you don't even see in it how you would salvage it. Like, it's like there's no good way to fix it. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I was going to say Closer. That's a very good one. That's brutal. I was also going to say Passion of the Christ.
I mean, I think that's probably a bad movie. Yeah, I think maybe just never watch that movie.
I didn't see it with someone that was dating this out with a very close friend and it's no matter who you are, it's tough to see very realistic, brutal violence done to a person. Yeah. And the whole movie is a downer. And you're holding the person next to you in a very animal sort of way. And just like, I can't look at this kind of way. And we didn't leave that movie. It's one of the only movies in my life that I didn't leave like, let's just go to a diner and talk about it. It was like...
Okay, all right. You'll get your own ride home, right? We're never going to look at each other again, right? This is over.
I guess I would say... The Stupids.
You should definitely watch it. Test them. Only watch it alone. Watch them watch it. Watch them watch it and see what they do.
No. I think it would for me be Moulin Rouge. Interesting.
Just because one, that movie makes me cry. I'm embarrassed that that movie makes me cry. But also because I think that movie is like, when you know when you first think you're in love, that movie captures all of that.
And it's not like realistic. It's, you know, you're going to want to sing throughout the whole thing. Your guy that you're singing with is just going to stare at you like, this is what you think love is. But it's like, no. I know this is fantasy of love. But... No, I'm crying. I think it's just...
I know you'll never give me this pure expression of love. You'll never sing under the moon with me. Don't worry. We'll never have that. So let's not watch it together. Because it's just going to be a disappointment for who real love is.
I'm also confident that there are a lot of movies out there that are the type of comedy that feel like Patrice O'Neill comedy. It is really indulgent and very funny because of the way that he does it. But it's also deeply sexist. And you laughing at it would feel very bad about laughing at it if you're out on a date. It would be really tough to gauge with the other person.
Is it okay? Is this cool?
Yeah, I was thinking about that with high fidelity too where I love that movie but if I watch it with someone for the first time and it's this very self-indulgent guy who's like, I'm going to go through a tour of everyone I've f***ed and ask them about it so I can learn more about me. And every step of the way he learns more about himself and he's still a little bit worse for it.
And I'd be watching that movie just like, I almost did this too. That's where I'd be like...
Flipping up cups to tell the bartender to please get me out of this date. Do you guys know what's the thing? We went to a bar to watch High Fidelity on a date. I don't know. That's how you get out of a date.
A lot of bars or whatever, there's like a secret code where you flip your cup over and the bartender will come up and be like, oh, you have a phone call. The bartender won't be like, you have a phone call because this isn't a movie in the past. If I was a bartender, that would be my line and I would mess up a lot of...
Just come with a tray with a phone on it. And I rang, so... There's just no cord connected to it, an old rotary phone. She's clearly pulled off of a wall. Such a terrible speech. She'd be like, phone for you.
Oh, they asked me my name? They did. What's my name?
I'm gritting my teeth with my eyes. Blood pouring out of your nose.
No, they don't... We don't know about that code because they have no reason to teach it to boys. Well, they should add that to sex ed so everyone knows. Hear that? No, no, no. Don't tell the boys. Oh, yeah, maybe not.
Because then you can't use it anymore. Right, because then you have all the guys where a girl suddenly flips her glass. No, no, no, you're having a great time.
You don't know what that means. Well, you don't know.
Let me explain it to you. What that means. That's a... People said they like that they're getting longer and weirder, so... There you go. This is it.
I don't have anything else to add. Do you guys? No.
Maggie, you've been twitching Dream Daddy for a week. How's that been going? Yes, it's been going great. Thank you for everyone that has been tuning in.
We just went on a date with Golf Dad. It turned out really great. He's a sweetheart. Cool.
He's got a garden in the back of his house. Did you get to first base? No, but he said, come over, I'll make you a bouquet sometime.
And then we thought to ourselves... It's cryptic.
No one's ever made me a bouquet before. Well, no. Is bouquet a slang for a sex thing or is it bouquet flowers? No, it's just a bouquet of flowers. Come over and I'll make you a bouquet?
Yes. Anyways... I don't like this guy. I think I see him. I do. Let me out of here. You ready? Yeah. You can find me on Twitter and Twitch at my name. It will be in... It's done. Right here. Yes. Yeah. And I do other stuff. Yeah. You'll find it. I do other stuff. That's a great pitch. Thanks. Yeah.
So please help me. I'm Sorin Bui. You can find me on Twitter at this address.
Don't do that to him. That's rude. There you go, Edimer. Last time he put it in a normal place and then put it on your face when you put it up. That's pretty special.
I'm Daniel O'Brien. You can find me at D-O-B underscore I-N-C and Twitter and I think Instagram. But I don't really do stuff on Instagram, so you don't even bother.
Make sure you watch this video. Watch this video.
Okay, bye. Good pitch there. Bye. Hi, everybody.
Thank you for watching that very long video. It's really exciting that I'm the co-host now because now I can do these end plates. You can see in the middle of the screen to subscribe. You can also smash that bell down at the bottom there. When we have new videos that come out, I'll let you know. And there's also a bunch of new other videos you can watch in the right rail that you can watch right now.
Around 20 seconds? I don't know. Start when you started. |
ClickHole | these_people_describe_the_taste_of_foods_to_the_blind_and_it_s_beautiful | Oh, it's delicious. The taste is... I don't know where to start. I guess I taste strawberry-y. I... I don't know. This is really hard. I'd say the taste is very sweet, and just the slightest bit tart. I don't know.
It just tastes like a strawberry. When you eat a strawberry, it's like a breeze is blowing. It's like a summer breeze when you're standing at a meadow or on top of a grassy hill.
It's a happy taste. Eggplant Parmesan. So good. It's an explosion of flavor. It's a festival. The tangy sauce, the warm melted cheese. It's so rich. It fills you up. The more you eat of it, the fuller you get. After you've had enough Eggplant Parmesan, you start to feel full in your stomach. It's a good feeling. It's a feeling of satisfaction. When you first get full, you eat more, but you don't need to. It's pleasant.
Ice cream is cold and sweet. Ice cream to me, it's being at the beach. It's like sitting in the sand and watching the blue sky and the blue waves. Ice cream is like the taste version of the color blue. Ice cream just seduces you. So smooth and creamy.
But if you have too much at once, you get brain freeze. I hate brain freeze. It's searing pain right in your temples. Brain freeze is like a jagged spike that splits the mind open. Brain freeze is awful.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Thank you. |
dropout | wait_is_this_video_branded | I think it's Katie she's doing that so no no sodas as reflect I bet it's Katie no sodas Ezra a fate worse than death itself losing one's Chomsky's why what is it Katie you're under arrest get out of here you're going to jail bad for crime can it bird brain judgmental self-driving car that was funny can it bird brain can it bird brain yeah judgmental self-driving can it bird brain judgmental self-driving car Jesus Christ can it bird brain self-driving car take him to jail can it bird brain can it bird brain just to me favorite don't say yeah right now I'm so sorry can it bird brain judgmental self-driving car now I hear her not saying it now I hear I would have gotten away with it to add gum shoes why would you think I'd be ready to go fan of the HTZ stream sex HTZ make a connection well it's not me I'm just a loyal customer who appreciates the STC business ready apps you see STZ HTZ oh what am I doing there's a self-driving car downstairs but you would never guess it's this yeah we're listening here I'll show you an example on my HTZ smartphone it's got the smartest smart screen why would you take two chips and eat them nothing that's how that's how they get you see nothing it's nothing in three new flavors wasabi pea chicken tikka masala and man the rarest flesh of all chicken mole beef jerky and egg yolk cool ranch loser ranch and beans creme fraiche sour cream or onion and Mario Batali's crocs horseradish radish and horse asparagus tap water and Jonathan and I would have gotten away with baking soda and vinegar cinnamon sugar orange juice and toothpaste |
cracked | sequels_keep_screwing_up_the_original_movies_yboc_star_trek_star_wars | Oh, hey there nerds, your results just got back and my name is Dr. Jordan Breeding and if I ever have a son, I definitely won't make him a direct follow-up in name of Jordan. So I'd rather you have something really manly like Jeff or Larry or Barabbas, whatever.
Anyway you're watching a sequel to the previous episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show with perfect internal logic and the only show on crack that hopes you didn't notice that we changed the desk after the first episode because I need that desk to edit and this is just a table leaf. But you didn't even notice, did you? Cause I'm the Hulk of desks, bitch**. My secret is I'm always sitting at my desk. So today, I diagnose.
Rewatching Terminator after T2 is even more fun knowing that Sarah Connor eventually becomes a stone-cold badass, but rewatching Terminator after T3, however, is about as disappointing as learning robots can inflate their boobs, but won't do it for me. I can no longer watch any Terminator movie without wondering if those are even Arnold's real butt cheeks or if he's just trying to impress me, and that's what these sequels are like, Arnold's butt cheeks.
Rogue One, a Star Wars story, is basically a feature-length attempt to explain why the Death Star was so easy to blow up now that a wookie slave got the shit is no longer the official canon explanation. God, I miss the Star Wars books. See Rogue One concludes with a massive battle over the planet Scarif as the Rebels attempt to steal the Death Star plans in order to blow that shit up in another movie and they succeed and the plans are transferred to Princess Leia's ship using ancient space wifi. Polar Express Leia and her blockade runner manage to escape chaos and jump into hyperspace just before Darth Vader mers the living hell out of every living thing. Anyway, Rogue One retroactively physically places both Leia and Darth Vader at the Battle of Scarif, where Vader watches Leia's exact ship escape with his own presumably very frowny eyes. Just imagine an upset, hating Christian stand under that helmet. And yet when Vader catches up and boards Leia's ship at the beginning of A New Hope, Leia pretends that she's on a diplomatic mission. Except again, Vader literally just watched her fly here from a space battle like seven seconds ago. It'd be just as effective to claim that a force ghost ate the Death Star plans. And yeah, Leia's attempt may look ridiculous, but Vader arguably looks even sillier for getting all flustered and arguing with her sad excuse of an excuse.
It's hard to believe that mind-reading space wizard would be even remotely thrown by, oh no, you must be looking for some other princess who recently came from off-limits planet where major data theft occurred. I was on way to space Walmart to buy space twinkies for me all-American.
During the Avengers second act, Loki pulls what's known as a classic Joker move. Basically, he allows himself to be captured by the titular super squad. Whilst in prison, Loki plays a bunch of mind games with the heroes. He reveals S.H.I.E.L.D. owns a special cell designed specifically to hold and kill the Hulk, he tricks Thor into getting locked up, and he murders everybody's favorite dad character. And that's all well and good and trickster godlike of Loki, but he really could have done way, way more because just one year later in Thor the Dark World, the MCU's worst movie since Thor, Loki shows Thor the full range of his illusion powers. He can change his own appearance, the appearance of his whole prison cell, and even the appearances of other people. With all that power, what the hell was Loki doing d***ing around and making people just a little bit upset? Instead of merely escaping, for example, Loki could have impersonated Nick Fearing, gone around giving contradictory orders on this, helicarrier, and providing his army a key strategic advantage. Loki could have made Maria Hill look like somebody trying to steal Thor's autumnal mead so Thor would bash her skull in with Mjolnir. Loki could have made himself look like Steve Rogers and then seduced Tony Stark and manufactured both group sexual attention and tasty fan service.
I shouldn't have let off the little steam. You know damn well why. Back off. Oh, I'm starting to want you to make me. Take that off. I mean, can you imagine the thing you hooked up with leading man super-hunk Chris Evans only to realize he was actually leading man super-hunk Tom Hiddleston? I was very upset.
But instead, Loki just straight leaves and goes on to fight the battle hoping it's enough to just be a skinny, pale dude with a dumb a** helmet. Loki employs all this incredible destructive power to ultimately do little more than call Black Widow a slut and strategically eliminate S.H.I.E.L.D.'s assistant to the regional director. I am burdened with glorious purpose.
Like Masterpiece, Star Trek Beyond ends with a massive drone army destroyed by VHF radio waves transmitting sabotage by the Beastie Boys. The joke is that Star Trek is set in the 23rd century, meaning the Beastie Boys is now considered classical music, and robots and I would rather commit suicide than listen to it. How s**ty is the state of galactic culture that the Beastie Boys are apparently the only 20th century band anybody still listens to is a question for another drunker time. I feel rather strange. But if sabotaged by the Beastie Boys as Star Trek canon, then it stands to reason their entire back catalog is as well, including the poetic lyrics to Enter Galactic. The Beastie Boys weren't apparently aware of Mr. Spock 250 years before he was born.
Either there was some other pinch-happy Mr. Spock hanging out on Earth three centuries before the movies began who was a big enough celebrity that his reference in a rap song would make sense, or the Star Trek TV show's existence in universes also canon, which implies that Gene Roddenberry accurately predicted most of Earth's future history centuries before it arrived. And yet he didn't even think to warn us about Star Trek Beyond. Keep in mind the 2009 Star Trek movie establishes a brand new timeline technically distinct from the original show and films, so the show could still exist in this timeline and if it did, I mean it stands to reason it became so popular that James Tiberius Kirk and Inyota Yuhura are just insanely common names everybody has now. Presumably every major development in human history in the new timeline was like, hey, we should name our new space discovery initiative Starfleet, like from that show we all love.
Oh, hell yeah. And let's name our new government the United Federation of Planets. Oh, shit.
I'm gonna name all seven of my kids Leonard Bones McCoy. And on and on and on for centuries until real life perfectly finally synced up with that weird-ass show from the 1960s. And I guess by then they were so out of ideas they just started driving motorcycles around looking for purpose in their crappy meaningless lives.
The Harry Potter books and movies may be full of silly, fantastic plot devices, but I expect some consistency in my silly, fantastic plot devices, damn it. The word you create doesn't have to be simple, but it does have to be clear. Case in point, there's a special type of spell in the Potterverse whereby a location can be hidden forever as long as the secret of its existence is kept by a designated secret keeper. While hiding from the murderous full of shit, full of shit, he who must not be named, Harry Potter's parents made their old pal Peter Pettigrew their secret keeper, but unfortunately Pettigrew betrayed the Potters and DM'd their address to full of shit. Then Pettigrew shapeshifted into a rat and spent more than a decade hiding inside a young boy's pants. And if you've never seen Harry Potter, I have to stress that no part of that last sentence is a joke. Anyway, he who must not be named, uses the information to find and kill the Potters in front of their surprisingly resilient baby, thus kicking off this entire franchise. But here's the thing, it turns out the Potters didn't have to take the risk of entrusting someone else, boy or cigarettes or otherwise, with their secret. And Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows we learn not only can you totally make someone living in your own house the secret keeper, it could be yourself. Who could possibly figure that out? Well they could have used double protection and become each other's secret keepers, just like how the random old man at the hardware store suggested I wrap it up twice when I mentioned I was heading off to college at the end of the summer and I was like, can I just go to my car? Literally nothing in the series would have happened if the Potters had just read the fine print on the secret keeper spell book they purchased on Amazon.
How could I be so stupid? Umm, okay, yeah, mocked the deaths of a wizard orphan's parents, laid the foundations for a Rule 34 Avengers movie, and investigated whether Arnold's a** truly can't quit.
Yep, got it all in. Join us next appointment when I diagnose your butt for once, you girly man. Oh my god, did Arnold write that? Is he here? Okay, um, quickly, go see Kathy on your way out for some drugs for your leprosy. Wow, cool, biblical. And you know what they say, the Bible is the sequel to history, so full circle. Subscribe. Hit the bell. |
dropout | clock_suckers_the_punchline | AAAAAAAAAAAPSUCKLES! Raise a new child to say new name! AAAAAAAPSUCKLES!
So these two hot blondes walk into a diner. The first blonde takes her boobs out and throws them on the table. The second blood takes her boobs out and jams them into two pitchers of beer. The third blood comes in with the biggest boobs of all, and just as she's about to take her shirt off, the chef comes in and says, Oh, no!
Oh, look out! No! He's gonna drink from beer pong stadium! Oh my god! What did the chef say? Oh man! Meow! That's classic! I'm gonna use that!
That's not the joke, genius. Rocco can't talk without his ship. Can you fix him up, Grit? Your grandfather never showed me how.
Looks like we're paying my dead grandfather a visit. All right, let's hit the graveyard. I was talking about the time machine. All right, let's hit the time machine.
I'm driving. See, this is why you don't drive.
Hi, I'm here to see my grandfather, Joseph Duncan. Hey, are you looking for Crazy Joe Duncan? Yeah, I am.
I think you better get the hell out of here before you get yourself hurt. What's that, old man? You better get out of my way before I start busting hips. What? If I see you around here one more time, I'll make sure you never see your grandfather again.
I paid myself. You get beat up a lot. I'm aware of that, thanks. Hey, my name's Bobby. My grandfather Alonzo gave you that shiner. Yeah, well that guy's lucky he pissed his pants or else I would've had him eating dentures.
Ugh, you're such a pussy. Whatever. What the hell's his problem, anyway?
Well, you see, your grandfather invented these pair of hover boots for old people to use, and that's going to put my grandfather's wheelchair company right out of business. So he's keeping your grandfather locked away somewhere in this retirement home.
I'm going to be honest, I wasn't really listening. But why are you telling me this, anyway? Well, he doesn't exactly approve of my lifestyle. Aw, is it because you're black? No, actually, I'm gay. Speaking of which, who's your friend over there? It's kind of cute.
Hey, so if I whore out my friend to you, will you help me get my grandpa back? Yeah, sure. Meet me at the old warehouse tonight, and I'll show you how. Done and done.
Uh, just don't tell him you're gay. It's kind of a turn-off.
All right, now here's the layout to the house. I've already disabled the alarm, but be careful. This place is swarming with guards.
Good luck. Hey Tanner, why don't you stay behind and keep Bobby company? Aw, man, seriously? It took a lot of time putting my cat burger outfit together. I know, and we're all very impressed. All right, see you later. So, Bobby.
I gotta admit, I feel a little awkward with my face painted black like this. I just wanted to look like a robber, you know? I don't mean black people, I don't know, robbers.
I'm gonna go wash this off, I'll be right back. No, no, no, leave it, leave it.
It makes you look cool. Sweet. Black power.
These are the guards? They're passed out cold. They could wake up at any second.
We've gotta take them out. Ooh, look, I think one of them just died. Let's go.
Ugh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell, Kate? You just freaking killed that guy. What? I thought we were killing everybody. Guys, keep it down. What the? What? Dammit.
Intruders alert. Put a muzzle on that whole bag. I'm trying to. She's like a fucking brick wall. Move, I'll gas her. No, it's staving time.
Intruders alert. Intruders, intruders, intruders. Intruders.
You've got a really nice body. Oh, thanks. You know, I try to work out. Hey.
Are those Grandpa Joe's hovering boots? Yeah, this is where my grandfather's been keeping them.
Oh, I gotta go check this shit out. More chocolate-covered strawberries? All right, this is the room. Grit. Execute order 66. What? Yeah, it's from Star Wars.
I was just kidding. Can you open the door? Ugh, nerd. Hot dog, I told you to stay away from here.
What's up with your pants? It's a diaper. And this is a gun. Gas him, grit. I'm out of sleeping gas. Oh, I've got his new car smell. Hurry up and use it. This guy reeks like piss. What the hell's this?
Hey, Gramps. We're here to save you. Bang up job, dipshit. Shut the hell up. Now that I got all you crackers together, it's time to end this once and for all. Nice work, guys.
Thanks, I was just trying out the hover boots in there. This don't look good. Hey, Grandpa Duncan. Can you fix Rocco's ship? Are we related? No. Good, you got a nice wreck. All right, let me see that thing. Well, first we need a little gasoline. There's your problem.
Batteries are dead.
Are you sure? Hey, Grandpa, you want to hang out and reminisce or I can tell you about the future. That sounds like not fun. So how about you just fix my fucking wall and let me go back to sleep? Hey, Grandpa, what do you say we settle our differences once and for all? You know, you're right. Let's do it, Bobby boy. Life's too soft for fire.
I have le- What? I thought he was going for his gun. Seriously, Kate, what the fuck? They will use them chasing me! With your bitch fronting your new seat! Ah, I still have a cop, priest!
Okay, so what was the punchline to the joke? Okay, so the chef says, somebody order the six-titty special? It's fucking stupid. |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_write_that_down | Murph, we got the all-nighter night. It's got to be big, big, big.
Sure does, boss. I'm not your boss. I'm gonna get your thumb off your ass, grab your notepad, and walk with me. All right, boss.
Tonight, it's more than sketch comedy. It's a spectacle. It's spectacle comedy.
We're gonna need lights, lots of lights, bright lights, nightlights, color lights, rainbow brights. Write that down. Murph, just the man I'm looking for. We're gonna knock it out of the park tonight. It's a comedy show, so we're gonna need whoopee cushions, hand buzzers, fake poop, fake vomit, fake dog poop, fake dog vomit, your poop, your vomit. Write that down. Murph, word came down from the top, okay? The top-top. We're gonna need a karaoke machine, Nerf gun, flaming pin juggler, and none of that Ringling Brothers bullshit, all right? Get me Cirque du Soleil. Write that down. All right, we're gonna need a South African screeching beetle, the card, not the bug, but it is in danger, so watch out for poachers. Write that down. Get me RISC, Monopoly, Boggle, and Connect Four. Combine them all into one big game. We'll call it RISCopoly Four and the Statue of Liberty. Write that down. Write that down, Murph.
Two words. Barack Obama. Two more words.
It is poop. And it is in danger, so watch out for poachers. You can't hold this!
Whoop! Okay, there's something terribly wrong with his throat. We have to go to the hospital! Whoop! |
dropout | enabling_disabled_gamers | Welcome to NerdAlert, brought to you by the Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time 3D. I'm Jeff Rubin here with split-sider editor Adam Frucci and Kotaku editor Steven Tatillo. On today's episode, we are going to be interviewing a quadriplegic gamer who plays games like Call of Duty using his face. He is going to tell us what developers can do to make their games more handicapped accessible because everyone deserves the opportunity to waste time playing Xbox. We are also going to be talking about Battlefield 3.
This week, EA revealed that those who pre-order the game at certain retailers will receive an in-game advantage in the form of exclusive weapons. Some are upset and threatening to boycott the game as if those who pre-order weren't going to just destroy everyone anyway. Is preserving your morals worth not playing the new Battlefield? But first, let's talk about the Chinese democracy of video games. After first being announced in 1997, Duke Nukem Forever was finally released this week. And after 14 years of complaining about endless delays, gamers are now complaining that the game is terrible.
Are their concerns fair? Steven? Yes, they're totally fair.
As a gamer, you have the right to complain if a game sucks, and the game sucks. For the sake of argument, let's say this exact game with these exact graphics came out a decade ago. Would it have been good then? It would have already been late, I think, if it came out a decade ago, right? But the problem is, you can't separate how long it's been made with the quality of the game.
It's like, okay, you tell jokes sometimes, right? Let's say you were working on a fart joke for 14 years. I am. I am, which is a really, really good fart joke. It's going to make you think. But then you might expect a sublime fart joke, a Shakespearean fart joke. It wouldn't be enough if it was just a fart joke.
It wouldn't be enough if it was just like, oh yeah, it's crude Duke Nukem. This would have been what it was going to be like 10 years ago, and that's enough, and that's fine. I'm holding it to a standard of it's 2011, I'm playing a Duke Nukem game. Can this hold up compared to anything else that I've put into my Xbox 360?
No. I didn't play the games back then that much, so, you know, to be honest, I was never into the Duke character. Oh, that's the problem. You don't get it. Let me explain.
He's kind of the king, right? And he's got this attitude.
Anybody who was into those games when they were 14 years old is now 30 and does not connect to this character at all. It's a character designed for adolescent boys who are like, oh, boobs in a guy with a bad attitude and now a 30-year-old who has nostalgia for it is like, boy, this is embarrassing that I used to be into this character. I always have this fear when I'm playing an old game and I wind up hating the old game that maybe everybody who thought I was wasting my time playing games was right.
No, no, don't reflect. Don't do that. Don't do it. Don't look back.
Looking forward, now that we've turned the corner, the game is finally out, do you think there's a chance there's ever going to be another Duke Nukem game or is this it? I don't want to see how they could make another Duke Nukem game. It's like cursed. Yeah, I got to disagree, though, Adam, that there definitely will be another Duke Nukem game because Gearbox, the company that finally brought this game out, I don't think that their pride could handle this being all they did for all that effort. Who still cares about Duke Nukem?
Like, who's the audience for? We're talking about it. We're talking about it just because I remember this thing when I was 16 years old I cared about and now it's like, oh, this, oh, yeah, remember, this is a weird thing that now exists. It is awful. Like, why? How is that a good base to relaunch a franchise?
Duke Nukem feels like he's a little bit tied to a specific era. He's super 90s-y in, like, a Crash Bandicoot kind of way. He just doesn't fit into the era we're living in at all. It's just really incongruous when you're, like, looking at his haircut.
Like, the fact that he's like, oh, he's smoking a cigar. He's a badass. Really? There's a moment in the game where you drink a beer because, you know, Duke's... What a badass. And he gets drunk after one beer, which is not very bad. It's his first vision's all blurry.
But as soon as he drinks it, he says, you're my boy, Blue. He yells, you're my boy, Blue. And I couldn't decide if he was referencing guys that drink and yell, you're my boy, Blue. Or if he was a guy that was drinking and yelling, you're my boy, Blue.
I don't think there's any level of irony in the Duke Nukem universe. Everything he does is completely sincere.
This game has been the number one most unreleased piece of paperware for over a decade. Now that it's finally out, who moves up to the top spot? There's two candidates. Starcraft Ghost, supposed to be like a first person or maybe third person shooter in the Starcraft universe. They announced it in 2002, they being Blizzard to make Starcraft, World of Warcraft, and what have you. They repeatedly deny that the game is cancelled, but 2002. So that's one of our candidates.
The other one is Half-Life 2, Episode 3. Mmm. First Half-Life came out in 98. Second one came out in 2004. Half-Life 2, Episode 1, it was going to be an episodic series. It was going to be an episodic series because they didn't want long delays in between games. They didn't want the big gaps. So, Episode 1 came out in 2006, Episode 2 came out in 2007, Episode 3 came out, not yet. And the remarkable thing is even with all those delays, all those Half-Life games came out since they announced Duke Nukem Forever.
Moving on, EA announced this week that Battlefield 3 would more realistically simulate war by being inherently unfair. Gamers who pre-order the game from specific retailers will have access to exclusive in-game weapons, giving them an advantage. Will this stop you from playing Battlefield 3?
Adam. I don't think so. I mean, I feel like it's an annoying thing. It's lame that they're doing it. But in the end, it's like a very specific and small group. I just feel like there are a lot of problems in the world.
If I'm going to really stand up for something, it shouldn't be unfair DLC for Battlefield 3. There is a precedent, though, that people have complained about DLC before and companies have reacted. I mean, there was this problem with Battlefield Bad Company 2 where people complained about the early release, the gold weapons or whatever it was, I think. And EA did back down on that.
Such great video game logic, by the way, that the weapon made of gold is the most powerful. That's James Bond logic.
Horse Armor from Oblivion. This was like a big to-do at the beginning of the Xbox 360. Two dollars and fifty cents of real money that you had to pay to put armor on your horse. People complained and eventually they knocked the price down. So if you do find ways to complain, again, it's not really something to go pick it outside of it, right? But they will sometimes change these things. Companies love doing this. This pre-order thing, they love it. Horse Armor was kind of the beginning of this DLC thing. We were so young then when we were only upset about the Horse Armor. DLC was kind of this new concept and it always seemed like it was marching to this area. It's all steps of them testing the water to see how far they can push it. The Horse Armor is like, alright, a little too far, we'll wheel it back. In a perfect world, they would have us buy every single item for four dollars each. The DLC imbalancing, I mean, EA is claiming that it's not imbalancing the game. It's just getting you more weapons. So maybe they know what they're talking about, but I'm not so sure.
The fact is companies like doing this stuff and the most successful model for video games out there right now is the free-to-play model that was first big in Korea that we're seeing more and more in the United States. These are free games where you do pay for everything that's cool in the game. You want to feel like you own the game. You want to feel like I have everything this game has to offer. You don't want to feel like, oh, well, I only have 80% of this game and I need to pre-order from three different stores and then buy all this DLC to actually get the experience that I'm playing.
Moving on from fake problems to real problems, our final guest today is a quadriplegic gamer who is asking developers to make games more handicapped accessible. Please welcome via robo guest, Chuck Bittner. Thanks for joining us today, Chuck. Glad to be here.
Chuck, could you describe your condition? Well, I'm a quadriplegic. I was in a car accident and basically a quadriplegic is somebody who can't move. I can't move from my chest down. And my hands have impairment that I can't actually use my hands at all and some of my arm functions.
How long was it after the accident until you said, I'm ready to start playing video games again? Well, growing up, I was a gamer, hardcore, like Super Nintendo, Sega Master System, all those games. And it was after my accident, I played some games on PC a little bit here and there, but really it was when my dad got a PlayStation and started playing zombies online with my brother, Nanti Zombies, and Call of Duty, that they were having so much fun. I'm like, I think I can do this and I want to try. So, yeah, it was probably about eight years after my accident. And Call of Duty is a somewhat complex game to pick up and play, even if you're using your hands. How do you manage? Well, a video like on my YouTube channel, I show that I hold the controller in my face and just maneuvering around using the sticks and using my hopper look to fire as I jump around from button to button. How long did it take you to work out that system? Probably something like two months. When I first started playing it, I did a campaign of World of War.
Then I went online for my first free-for-all, and I went one and 25. That one was me. It was horrible. I just totally crashed this team. So, one and 25 was pretty bad.
So, it took about two months, and now I'm pretty good at it. When you play online, you're competitive. Yeah, I'm doing pretty good, I hope. My KD is like 1.5, which most people who are on my YouTube account leave me messages that are like, you're better than me, and I have hands. They're like, I quit.
When I'm playing a video game, ideally, if the game is good enough, I'm not thinking about my hands or how I'm controlling the game. I get lost in it, and then I am that space marine. Are you still able to do that? Oh, that totally happens. When I was playing Portal 2, I was so engaged. Once you get used to the controls, and I'm able to like, with Call of Duty, it's just second nature now. I can just go right at it, and I don't even really think about it. I'm just thinking about how I'm going to attack my next victim.
Now, tell me more about this button remapping petition you started. What I've been doing is, for last year plus, I've been doing the custom button remapping petition. Now, for those who are listening and don't really know what remapping is, it's the ability in a game, instead of just having presets that most games ship with, like usually like two or three or four presets, remapping is the ability to go in and in the software of the game, just assign what button functions do what. So if you want jump to be different than Y, you want to change it to, you know, X or something like that, you can do that. You've seen that over and over again, but you probably never pay it a second thought. It used to be kind of a standard, and it's standard on PC, it has been for years, since the beginning. So it's something that really is important for disabled gamers, because if I go into a game and I can't remap and move a button around, then some games I just can't even play.
I think online petitions generally something of a waste of time, but what I like about this one is I think it's something that when you hear it, you maybe aren't aware that it's a problem. As soon as you hear it, you're like, oh, of course all games should be doing that. This has been a petition for a year? Like, are companies not listening?
I've had some nice developer feedback. I went to PAX East this year. The developer feedback at PAX was pretty awesome.
They're like, wow, we never thought that if we don't have remapping, you guys can't play our games. Are there any games that you want to be playing, but you can't because the controls aren't remappable? Games like Halo, that's something that a lot of people, when they say they jump from game to game, going from Halo to Call of Duty, that's confusing. I'd like to be able to play Halo, but I can't because I can't aim down sight. You have a 1.5 kill death ratio in Call of Duty and you don't aim down the sights ever? Yeah, I didn't aim down sights in Modern Warfare 2, but they added an ADS lock on Black Ops, so now I hit ADS lock.
So before, you had to hold down the button to kind of hold up the gun and look through it. Now you just press a button. You're holding up the gun until you press the button again.
What about the sequences in Call of Duty that aren't just shooting people? It's like in Modern Warfare 1, I think it is, to climb the ice wall in Modern Warfare 2? It was Modern Warfare 2.
There's a video of that on my YouTube that's like, I'm like, I'm going to do this, guys. I'm going to try. And I had to get all crazy with how I was holding the controller and using it sideways on my face. But I ended up getting through it, which was great.
But if I could remap it, I just would have switched the buttons a little bit and it would have been over in like 10 seconds. Just a basic function like that makes games more accessible. Some companies are adding, and I've had some companies say that they're willing to just commit to doing remapping. But getting the bigger companies like Activision and companies like that involved is a little bit more challenging. I think this is cool. I'm wondering though, is the counter-argument that if you allow the button remapping that it's going to make the game, it's going to break the game and then it's going to make it too easy for everybody to find some configuration that's going to make them, you know, be awesome at the game?
Have you run into that? You had to ruin this. No, that's definitely been a concern. I've talked to a couple developers and they fear this type of abuse or something like that. Most of the people who bring this up, usually other people bring up, well if it's open to everybody, then it's a fair advantage for everybody to have that playing field. But I'd say if something like that does pop up, you would patch it, you'd tweak it, you'd make it something that wouldn't, you could, you know, just fix it so that it wasn't a real major problem.
Can't we just all agree not to be jerks so that Chuck can enjoy modern warfare too? I'm into it. Why don't you want to enjoy video games? No, people will look to exploit it, you're right. I'm sure they will. But I'm ready to sign Chuck's petition. I'm into it.
Chuck, how can we help? How can we sign your petition? You can go to my website that has a link on it at askacapper.com. You can go right and that will take you to a petition online. You heard him. Askacapper.com. Head there, sign the petition.
Thank you again to Adam and Steven. Check out Splitsider and Kotaku. NerdAlert will be back next week to talk about the release of Weird Al's Alpocalypse. So I'm not going to want to miss that episode. Until then, here is CGY, our bad special effects of the week. Later losers. |
Wizards_with_Guns | these_cops_couldn_t_handle_the_least_dangerous_criminal | Talk, dammit! You're not very bright, are you? Well, sooner or later, you're gonna burn out! You're looking at some hard time! So if I were you, I would shed some light on this situation! You lamp!
Still nothing, huh?
Makovsky! Sergeant Blunders! What's the situation here, Makovsky?
Well, he hasn't said a word since we got in here.
Uh, I mean, yeah, of course! It's a lamp! They're all the same! Enough, Blunderside!
Do you not remember what happened with those Christmas lights? They pulled the plug on the whole operation.
You're a good cop, Makovsky. Besides, we got hard evidence. Ha! That's right! We got you at the scene of the crime!
Let's take a look, shall we? This was taken just before the murder. Recognize anyone? This was taken during. Look familiar? And finally, the money shot.
I think it's pretty obvious you committed this crime. We got you dead to lights.
Confess already! Somebody call the cops! I'm so mad I can poop my pants! Damn it!
I didn't want to have to do this. Bring in the witness. Go ahead. Tell him what you told us.
Look at her. She's petrified!
You monster! You're gonna get the chair for what you did. And Officer Chair don't play by the rules. You're always on, aren't ya? Let's not do vacation!
God! Looks like it's... Lamp off. What? Lamp off?
Yeah, I was trying to- Really? That's stupid. It's a catchphrase. No, I know what you're trying to do. Are you telling me you can't think of the perfect two-word one-miner for this exact, very specific situation? Hmm...
Oh! Lights out! LAMP! Alright, hold on, sorry. You lamp! I'll try not to- Okay, hold on. Do it!
Where's my- Here it is. Oh, it's got yours?
That's not funny. Okay. |
SaturdayNightLive | blizzard_man_with_ludacris_and_t_pain_snl | Pain, Man. You know, I got to thank you for coming in today, my dog. I appreciate it, man. you already know it's no problem. you want to go ahead and lay this thing on down? yeah, about that.
Um. I decided to replace you on the song. replace me? Yeah. T-pain? Yes. with who?
The Blizzard Man. The Blizzard Man?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, the Blizzard Man. yeah, I heard he ripped it at Common's last show. Yep.
I've never heard of him.
Ha! Well, get ready, because you're about to right now. that's him.
Blizzy B! yo, what up? what up, boy? what's going on, man? Blizzy B. T-pain? T-pain? Blizzy B. what it do? what it do? I don't even know.
All right, man. you ready to get in there? Oh, indeed. come on, man. let's go. Yeah, yeah, yeah! um, did you replace me with dude in there? yeah, I know. he has kind of a fresher style, right? no! no. man, whatever, man. All right, Blizz, man. here it comes, right? just let it ride. do what you feel. All right. yo, I'm about to set it.
Another number one hit. Turn on my snare. Yeah, yeah. check my style out. rap song, rap song. we come from the south and our teeth are gold. we drink lots of codeine and sit around. a jam comes on and we all do the crump.
Yeah. whoo! I love it. he still got it. terrible. yeah, man, he sounds like Al Jolson. What? man, y'all are trippin'.' that's a hit. come on, now. who is that? oh, that's probably the head of my label. What the deli? I'm Ted Jankaloff, the head of Jim Jim Records, and before Blizz records any more songs, he gets half the publisher. Yeah. what? I don't even get that. he's not getting that. Hell, yeah, man, deal. he's worth every penny of it.
Blizz, man, you ready for another take? Word is Bond. let's do it. Yo, make it clap. Ludacrisp Blizzard man. way better than T-pain. check my style out. we're at the strip club spending cash. ones and fives and even twos. we make it rain cause it's a song. and I throw a silver dollar and a lady gets hurt. yo, stop snitching. what? are you for real? come on, man, I got to be dreaming right now. is this heaven? is this heaven? Yo, this dude is garbage in French terms. man, you must be sipping that perp. my dude is putting it down for the streets. man, what streets? you know, cul-de-sacs mostly. man, come on, man. y'all got to keep it down now. Bliz, he's very sensitive. oh, look. see, you done made him upset, man. man, how can you even compare me to this dude, man? I'm T-pain, man. he look like vanilla ice stuck double, dog. man, I can do a T-pain style. turn on that auto tuner. Oh, see. you see what you just did? now you done showcased the beast. now we're about to enter a whole new realm of music. now we're talking about Beethoven, Bob Marley, men at work territory, man. Hey, Bliz, you ready? plead at. let's do it. Ooh, Shorty. it's blizzard man. yeah. come on, come on. you done set me up. check my style out.
Robot voice, robot voice. all of the kids love the robot voice. my dookie chain cost a lot of clams. Snoop Doggy Dogg is on my narts. I wear very nice duds. Pierre Cardin and Jordash jeans. my hyper color shirt changes when it's warm. but usually that's confined to my tits. I dig smooching babes. I squeeze their butts if they give their consents. later on, if they don't object, I'll move to the boobies and give them a honk.
Doop, doop, doodly, doop, doop, doop, doodly, doopa, doopa, doopa. you know what, man? y'all Floss might be right. I think I'm gonna do a song with him, too. I told you. did I not tell you something? hey! um. that's right. we go. duh! yeah, yeah, yeah. |
cracked | game_of_thrones_can_t_shock_us_anymore_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey you guys, it's me Alex and it's me Carmen. Welcome to winter is taking forever. It's our Game of Thrones recap show Winter continues to take forever this week. We open this week in the winteriest place There is Castle Black. It turns out Jon Snow is alive like we all knew he would be alive Welcome to a new segment called narratively necessary nudity It's not a new new segment because it's every week every week There's somebody naked who has a lot to bring us into on the plot and this week We have some very lively side butt from the newly alive Jon Snow Mmm, they couldn't have even thought about him and just put a blanket over him Like they could he they knew he was gonna come to life. What a horrible way to wake up Davos was so freakin weird about it He's the one who organized this and then he like comes back into the room is like Right, and he's like how did this happen? So you worked on it for a long time. It's completely Fucking mad from the wilds of Castle Black.
We go to an ugly boat We've got Sam and Gilly at sea, but then Sam is dumping the kid and the lady at his old house, which like Sam don't worry. I'm sending you to the house that washes its hands of children.
I'm gonna be undecided at grad school. Why? Whatever what you can't be a Sam of all trades.
Oh The boats making me ill stop it don't you're not even that sick I think you're making yourself sick This ugly boat is a great place for our first moment of child endangerment on the show Welcome to a new segment called this week in child endangerment a lot of the scenes in this week's episode are adults deciding whether a kid's gonna get You know destroyed. Yeah, and this first one is will this kid survive the boat ride and Sam's old house Thank goodness. Sam is feeling pretty icky when he has to make this decision You couldn't have done this before the boat Sam and Gilly are fighting and then they cut back to the kids just rowing away like nope This episode also features an exciting flashback We get to hang out with bran and the three-eyed raven who is max von side out And then it was a fight and then yeah, we heard a baby cry You would think they would just end the flashback and then bran is there in front of the tree like oh, so obviously that's that's John Snow's baby. Yeah, that's that's oh, oh, I heard the baby cry. So that means like yeah Yeah, no, there's another flashback for later.
So now we get to see Daenerys in her little Widows putts they're really mad at her for not coming straight there It's like like they know they it's like they know they were her safety school. They were just like a real side I like they were very like Like oh this bitch. Okay, you know, she's gonna be all like my dragons my dragons a lot of passive-aggressive fire lighting Like oh you are special, huh?
Yeah, yeah Yeah, then off we go to marine another child endangerment moment on the show various threatens a lady's kid Yeah, and then he backtracks cuz he realized like oh I did kind of threaten her kid He's like no what I mean is I'm gonna threaten you so that your kids Okay, welcome to a segment that we could have done every week trust fun Tyrion He has spent this entire season just being drunk useless and playing with his dad's money Hanging out with two people who have had horrible lives horrible and he's like, why aren't you guys snappier back at King's Landing? Where we get to meet the birds the birds We've never gotten the chance to meet before and come to our third and child endangerment moment Which is just now the birds are being taken by somebody else who is just offering them Candied plums and they're gonna do whatever he wants. The zombie is back Gregor Clegane is running around with Cersei and with Jamie and they walk in on a meeting where Picell is saying some very unhappy things and then when he does notice them You know leaks a little leaks a little something he farts And now we get to see Aria again the fourth child endangerment moment I think she's growing up a little bit we can call a child endangerment because she's been she spent Tyrion spent three episodes just drinking and being unhelpful Aria has spent three episodes getting hit with a stick, but she did it enough where he's like, here's here's a drink Yeah drink some creepy liquid that you don't know what it is She's like, it's probably gonna kill me though Right cuz it did that to other people right and he's like it's entirely possible and she's like great I'm gonna drink the murder liquid. Yeah, and then she does and then she gets her side back You can also see that hair model dude now who's the main the main assassin Yeah, so he's like, what do you think of my hair? Bravo Bravo Bravo's Winter continues to take forever in Winterfell the next place we go most of the scene is Ramsay arguing with the Lord I think we've never met or I forgot about and then he was like I got a gift for you For the Stark kids all being on the run and dead. There are a lot of living Stark So now the worst character in the world has Rickon he has Tonks from Harry Potter and What's he gonna do with them? You know, we've seen him feed people to dogs and torture people and rape people So maybe he just gives them a very nice room and nothing happens Yeah, and now we are back at Castle black with our main man John You know what would really send this episode off on a really positive note a quadruple hanging Everyone dies for killing Jon Snow and even he is sick of this of every night's watch plot line We've ever seen and it's like I'm just finally leaving this.
Here's my costume. I'm done. I'm so out So John is alive. He's going out into the world. He's done being a castle black.
It's gonna meet a lady What can we predict? What can we predict about where this is going?
He is going to change up his clothes. Nice He's probably gonna meet bastard 2.0. Oh, yeah. Yeah battle of the bastards And then maybe you'll find some fam Fam does he have come back next week to find out don't you you don't already know you haven't you haven't kind of figured it out Thank you so much for watching please like and subscribe and also please comment below So that you know about like what maybe what what Tyrion's up to. Yeah, what's trust fun to trust fun Tyrion What's a tag trust fun Tyrion? What's his frat nickname? Yeah, what's uh, well, what's the what's the next drinking game? He's gonna try to plan. Uh, what theme party is he gonna throw dragons? |
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Yes, welcome back to another week of idle chit chat about the goings on around town, around the country and indeed around the world. We have a full show on today, a Hollywood actor is in town and he's in the studio with us right now. But first we will quickly wrap up what's been happening in town this week. But before that I think we should address what happened on Wednesday night. In town? This Wednesday? Yeah this Wednesday passed.
I don't follow.
Well let me fill you and the rest of town in on it then. Go ahead. Wednesday night, long story short, we finished the day shift across the road at the paper. Yeah? You remember that? Yep. Yeah then you said we should have a few because it's Wednesday and your sister-in-law is in town and she's staying with you. Yes. Yes she was.
Julie left this morning. Anyway you said she's as mad as a shit house rat and you can't bear to spend more than 10 minutes around it without feeling the desire to run outside and throw yourself under the passing D49 train.
Remember saying that? Yes mate. The missus are probably listening to this. Go on. Anyway we did have more than one cold tin of desert lager out there on the deck of the sailing club and after an hour or two your wife comes down in the pajero and tells you not to come home at all. She did use some stronger language than that you know but it's not really fit for broadcast however. Yep I remember that part and I'm not sure the whole town needs to know about this era but you seem to be going somewhere. Wrap it up. I think they do because what you did next helps us plug the studio sponsor here at Desert Rock FM and it's also quite genius.
In the rain man sense of genius that is. What happened? That mango wine we got stuck into after my lovely wife Ming left uh completely erased my memory like a magnet does to a videotape I guess you could say. So what uh savant like behavior?
So um so you went inside and you asked to use the landline um from what I've gathered you you've rang up uh koala sofas the the major sponsor here and you've ordered yourself one uh and just as you uh came back out on the deck there you said uh we've got four more hours of uh hard drinking and yelling at the ducks before the couch turned up. Jesus. Yeah Jesus is the right word mate. Anyway lo and behold just before eight that night the sofa man from koala turns up to the office and we carry the couch upstairs after not much trouble. I kind of remember this. So anyway once we get the uh couch up in the newsroom we put it together you know it only took a minute or two even for two piss blokes like us and then you passed out on it and then I went home. Yeah right that makes sense. If you do need or want a quality sofa or mattress delivered to you uh in four hours or less provided that you live in a built-up cosmopolitan part of the country such as North Petuta then direct your internet search engine to koala mattresses and sofa.
Be sure to tell them the good people at Desert Rock FM sent you. Yes indeed and thank you Errol for filling in the entire town and many many other people around the world in my functional alcoholism.
Two other news Tony and Gil Robinson's place burnt down on Wednesday as the couple and their three kids were conveniently down in Brisbane for the night. A crime scene was established after locals reported seeing a young man in a hooded jumper lurking around the premises later that night. Initially the reporters thought it was an arson attempt motivated by something more sinister but a couple of sources have told me that Tony has since been a bit loose around the lips down at the pub last week and told a few people about his genius plan to fund the renos. Gil's been harassing him about for a while now. Yeah let's hope his insurance company doesn't get a sniff of it for Tony's sake otherwise he might be in a bit of trouble.
And in other news things should quieten down at the Dolphins training sessions next week. After the first grade captain and the first grade fullback went toe to toe down at the Royal last night. Yeah training had been disruptive for a couple of weeks now as the two Alphas battled it out in front of their teammates both verbally and physically without coming to blows that was until last night. But it looks like it should all calm down now after the two bucks went at it following a few post-training beers last night at the uh at the football club sponsored pub the Royal Hotel uh it appears banter may have gone a bit overboard. Yeah well the uh pretty boy fullback of that team he uh he had his ego bruised that's for sure but there were no real physical injuries to speak of and from all reports both men shook hands after the dust off. Well some might call it toxic masculinity but uh up in the channel country we refer to it as almost a necessary mechanism to garner the momentum needed to win a premiership. Certainly is and uh and uh the first grade coach told me this morning down at the shopping center that he's glad it's all over and done with and the boys can get back to the business of winning the premiership.
Yes and speaking of amateur footballers people who work while continuing to chase the dreams of playing football for Australia that might describe today's guests. His name is Luke Bracey he's come straight from Hollywood he's a big fan of the show big fan of the newspaper thanks for joining us. Here we are live from Koala Studios in downtown Batuta. You're listening to Clancy Overall and Errol Parker. We have a special guest today uh he's coming through the channel country after a big week shooting up in um actually in Joe country uh Luke Bracey Hollywood star former Australian home and away star uh he's been in productions in Australia and overseas for for many years now.
Uh thank you for joining us. Clancy Errol thanks for having me here in the desert capital. Thanks for coming out Luke.
So you were in Joe country? King of Roy. Yep. At Peanut World. How was that?
It was lovely you know real lovely honest country town. Beautiful people we were we rocked up with a circus of you know 150 people and you know when a town gets that influx of artists. Thespians. Um you hope uh they they uh are nice to you but they were lovely. Uh really nice people and uh really accommodating. Yeah they're good people up there in the big k. Very good people.
So what were you doing up there were you shooting a movie or? Yeah um started a movie called Danger Close about the battle of long tan. Myself uh Travis Fimmel the lead of Vikings uh Richard Roxburgh's in it. Uh Dan Webber young bloke who's doing really well over in Netflix over there in the states and uh yeah just a good a good Aussie group of of of actors. Yeah. And and the director Kreev standards did Red Dog and done a lot of great movies as well. So it's you know a big responsibility for all of us and and we've had great interactions with veterans and also current servicemen and a lot of all our extras on the movie are ex-servicemen or current servicemen. So you know to get the nod from those guys has been nice and uh you know let's just give it everything and know that we're we're on the right track. So you've done uh another Wharf flick uh recently actually Hacksaw Ridge.
What was your character's name there? Brooklyn boy.
Yeah Smitty Riker.
And he and and so in that film um there was a lot of Australian extras as well. Uh a lot of Australian actors.
Have any come with you to this next one? Um yeah we got a a good mate um from that movie uh Sam Parsons and um had a great little role in in Hacksaw Ridge and now he's come on he's playing Lieutenant Dave Sabin which really important role in this film and and uh who else we got a another couple of guys over in Hacksaw actually that have that have found their way into this and I mean it's kind of it's really nice to be able to work with nice people. You know you're making these movies you're making for a couple of months at a time at the least and to be surrounded by guys you know and guys that you know are good and guys that you know are in for the team especially on these movies you know you've got to have guys that are involved in the team. Especially when there's so many guys as well. Exactly exactly. You know like if you you everyone's uh been in a workplace where there's a heap of guys and and it's and it's quite often not like a footy team it can quite often be just a bunch of people that don't get along. Yeah especially when there's lots of actors and uh creatives in the mix.
Well that I mean I mean the job is automatically narcissistic. You just stand in front of a camera for your living so you just hope that the guys that you're going to work with uh leave their egos at the door and you know I've been really fortunate with all my jobs actually like I've I've had you know one or two problems with other actors and not necessarily actors or actresses but just people that you know bring their ego to it and it's a bit hard.
I suppose that the subject matter this time is a bit different you know this is a very important part in Australia's sort of modern history the uh the battle of Long Tan was um was uh our our Gallipoli of the Vietnam war I believe yeah. You're exactly right and you know and then and then getting to meet you know guys that are serving that have served yeah to know that pretend war is is exhausting yeah but it you're not getting shot at you know it's like there's a humbling nature to that I think which is really great for the guys. I believe there was a Victoria Cross that was won in that battle. I'm not sure no the real issue with it was that they didn't get the recognition yeah you know like they're I mean there was a kind of a the unit got a unit citation for gallantry and a couple I think a couple of guys maybe got awarded stuff and but the guy who Sam Parsons is playing we just talked about Dave Sabin he got given one and he gave it to another bloke and said I'm not taking this until our whole platoon into the whole company yeah right gets gets you know recognized yeah but it was one of those things like this was in 1966 and they came back and there was a parade for them and it was all right there was kind of one lady that covered herself in red paint at the parade through Sydney and came out and kind of caused a bit of a stir but she went away and it was just before it was turning yeah so they got but then once it turned they were just back and then it really went and everyone forgot what they did yeah the position when you know the position of when they were there which was yeah really tragic yeah you know you got the old boys that were their fathers and stuff like that who served in World War II and and you know maybe they didn't recognize them and the public and half of them were just conscripts they didn't have a choice yeah my old man was just he was the exact age as these guys and he was just like his birthday he picked out and all his mates that he grew up with that went you know they're they're they're really screwed yeah they didn't have a they didn't and their story wasn't told as well no it's never this is the first Vietnam war movie Australia's ever done we did one in the 70s that was I don't know it was kind of like a mash type thing and but this is the first one we've even bothered doing yeah right which is kind of interesting for sure it was a very important year in Australian history I believe 1966 that was the year that um that Harold Holt uh he got kidnapped by the Chinese he uh he did indeed end up in that uh in that midget submarine well they claimed to those abalone down there on the morning of the peninsula didn't they the currency changed from uh from pounds and pence to dollars and cents on valentine's day in 1966 so that just deploy so the blokes couldn't get their misses any flowers you could say that um but yeah look it's I guess that's that that's probably where the tide turned you know because you had uh you did have Harold Hall who was well liked and then and he was all the way with LBJ and then we had a very interim interim government for a bit and then I guess things started to get a little bit more progressive yeah well it was there's been plenty of coming of ages in modern Australia I guess um a lot it depends where people want to say um you know that happened maybe it was when we lost a sitting prime minister at sea maybe that was the coming of age for Australia maybe that was uh a moment Australia doesn't really like talking it's something yeah I'll tell you it's so fascinating I mean I I got a good mate from Melbourne and he grew up sealant to swim at the Harold Holt memorial swimming pool and I think that's just one of the greatest Australian things ever and I tell that's one of the things I tell people about when I'm overseas like what is Australia here well our prime minister in the 60s went swimming didn't come back we named a swimming pool after him yeah it's a bit like a rifle range named after JFK yeah what's uh what is the go over there with Aussies I mean we'll get to how you landed in LA um shortly but there is there a bit of a camaraderie but you know there's there's there's a quite a couple uh doing quite well over there of you know similar age group to you Margot Robbie um you know uh the Hemsworth's the Hemsworth triplets triplets the tripod of Hemsworth's yeah yeah there's um I mean I remember when I first got there and I was hanging around with like just the people I first knew there were maybe like some Aussies and stuff and and then you know I I just gravitated on my own way I mean I see there is there is a kind of group there and it's also good like there are a couple of good institutions there you're Australians in film yeah you know people like that that you know always have a couple of dinners or there's a couple of awards a year and you get to run into some people but the reality is if you're working you're not in LA you know yeah you're kind of there when you're unemployed and and so yeah I've hung out with a couple but I just I went I moved halfway across the world like I might as well go meet some people from halfway across the world and kind of forge my own thing and and and also like there is there can be a little complacency that goes in just because we do the same thing doesn't mean we're mates yeah yeah you know like I've I've got other interests and I'm so saturated by what I do in this business it's like maybe I want to go hang out with a mate who works in a clothing company yeah and who's from Texas and then grew up in Richmond Virginia yeah and become good friends with him that way or stuff like that but you know it's a nice thing to run into it but it's also I found it a little claustrophobic yeah right I found it a bit claustrophobic and and and yeah because I'd only really done six months on home and away I had the guys I knew from there and there wasn't that many from there that were over there so it was just you know if I'm hanging out with it was just because we were doing the same thing from the same country and I just felt that was a little I I just found my own way through it and knew that well I want to go this way and and do what I want to do I don't necessarily need to go to all the parties I don't want to get caught up in all that rubbish I've got an opportunity here let me put my head down and and try and make it well that and that sounds like a cool idea I mean coming from Batutah we have a lot of young kids that try their hand at the big smoke be that Adelaide or Brisbane or even Sydney at times who who do go down and have a bit of fun and maybe get a job some don't get a job but they definitely do have a bit of a party and they burn out and they come back home have you seen that happen have you seen the cycle of I mean yeah yeah it's it's a bigger trip to LA but I'm sure it's the same thing you get in there and the lights are brighter and there's a lot going on and you get invited to this party and you meet that person and suddenly I think people forget why they're there you know I remember going over and just going well I'm gonna make sure I don't come back home with a cocaine problem and no money yeah like I my family are wishing me the best and my friends are wishing me the best and what I want to do is succeed yeah and there's a lot of luck involved in that absolutely but you know the old saying luck is opportunity and preparation meeting I mean I remember I got a good kick up the bum from my manager one time my manager manages the Hemsworth boys over there and and I I lived at the in the back of his house and little guest house at the back of his house for a number of years when I first moved over and Liam lived there before me and then Chris lived there before him so it was this kind of they kick some goals and then I was there and I was like oh I think I better kick a goal and then I remember you know I was was going along all right and you know I'm a pretty relaxed dude and I remember my manager maybe just saw me getting a bit relaxed one time and and he just goes hey come here yeah yeah what's up get a beer and we sat at the back of his house and he got up here we had a beer and he just goes this is the Olympics of what you do remember that I went shit yeah fuck you're right um there's a literally a million guys who look like me who are trying to do this I better take this fucking seriously yeah right and I better make sure that I'm here for the right reasons and if I'm not go home yeah you know and uh you know he saw me the next day I was doing my push-ups yeah read my books so that kind of it was a good kick up the bum and I was like 21 when he said that you know it's a good kick up the bum I'm sure there's lots of uh there's lots of people listening now who um who are more intrigued as to as to how you actually got from home and away over to your manager's cabana in hollywood so cabana is a really strong word so uh so what was the uh the moment when you were like I'm gonna have to book a fucking airplane ticket now and go over well for me I mean I did I did six months I completely got asked to audition for home and away yep from random I I went to school with a bloke and played footy with a bloke whose father is a very well-renowned tv producer here in australia producer love my way and sick wife of us john edwards he's a great bloke and he just like I think I was on schoolies and I got a call from a random number and I answered it I was like hey luke it's john hey john how are you man like what are you doing I'm like mate I want schoolies it's you're really lucky I picked up the phone and he was like oh yeah I've got this show maybe you'll be all right to audition for and I said man I'm a rugby player and a builder I was working as a builder for my dad and he goes ah you're all right so I came down to Sydney and I kind of did that and didn't think much of it and didn't get that job obviously and then yeah eight months later I got a call from the casting agent and they called me up asked me to audition for home and away and I kind of did I didn't think twice about it have you done any acting I did I picked drama as a subject in the last two years of high school but only because I was playing first footy first 15 I I just needed a break we didn't get any free I think we got two free periods a week in year 12 like monday at period three so I got a long recess and like thursday period three so another long recess and our teacher was chill we used to stare at a candle for the first 15 minutes of a lesson to focus in inverted comments oh yeah the old drama teacher you know yeah like it's just like really chill stuff and it was I never had a trouble I was always I've never had a trouble speaking in front of people so it was no jobs I'll get to the essays will be easy because I can I can write and the performances will be no dramas either and yeah so I did this audition for home and away and got the job they called me up the next day said I got the job went oh wow shit I'm gonna tell you better tell my dad I'm not working for him I'm a dapper on holiday at the time I called up my old man said hey mate yeah so they've asked me to be on tele um I reckon I'm gonna do it my parents are really great they went well yeah I mean why not I said yeah not every day you could ask me on tv so went for it and I remember just shitting myself the first day I had like a three-page monologue to room full of people and first thing I've ever done on camera and sitting there going okay wow shit fuck this is real and everyone coming in going oh you're the new boy got a big speech today oh fuck and I'm just sitting there and they go kind of pictures up rolling I went I guess the camera's on like I guess I'll go when they say action that's not what they're doing movies action and I just like remember just like the the kind of stress kind of left me I said oh if I fuck up we'll do it again and it'll be all right I've got through it and that first day went all right the second day I kind of understood it a bit more like okay if I think what this guy's thinking then they'll see it and that's kind of acting in a way and then the third day someone reminded me I was getting paid I went fuck shit that's right I've been paid heaps yeah well compared to you know what what my mates were doing and and working in bars and stuff this is great and from there I did six months on that and some agents called the network and and I sat down with a few and and met one guy Mark Morrissey is an absolute legend who just said look you've got a good head you've got a good voice you do this this this and this there's no reason you can't go all right in the states I think Chris Hemsworth had just got his part as like in Star Trek by Captain Kirk's dad or something like 10 minutes at the start so I was like hey I've got a bloke over there who just got in a big movie kind of thing and it's all right you know kind of what you're doing and did what he said for for five six months and then an audition came through for this rom-com Monte Carlo I did that and Mark said he liked the audition I said I'm glad you like it mate I hope the Yanks like it a week later yeah mate they loved it week after that and who are you working with that was with that was like teenage rom-com for Fox with Selena Gomez and Leighton Meester and I rest in peace Cory Monteith was a great bloke yeah it was really sad when I found out that he passed away actually because he's a really lovely guy um Katie Cassidy a couple other you know that kind of thing and it was just you know suddenly I was in Budapest and Paris and Monte Carlo for a song like getting paid as a 20 year old but shit after that I went okay better move to the states yep kind of got the invite in a way yeah I was lucky that I did one before I went over there so you didn't have to do a pilot season you didn't have to run no I kind of went straight into movies and and this was actually before the whole streaming thing as well this is when it was pilot season where the studio is pumped out all these pilots and like one percent of them got picked up and people go over for three months and just do 20 auditions a day a week and you know I was kind of lucky I just sat back and really concentrated on movies yeah and you know it's kind of funny I saw a couple of people as these and stuff like that taking all these audition I've got all these auditions I go well which one's here right for kind of thing why work smart not hard so it's like it's a double thing because it's a double-edged sword you've got to be lucky enough to get the audition for for one of these pilots and then you've got to be lucky enough that the studio gets picked up yeah exactly so you can you could have that euphoric moment of getting the lead role in this new lawyer drama about a guy that you know is nocturnal and is actually a vampire or some shit like that and then it doesn't even get picked up so it's exactly right you don't celebrate until you're actually on set no no and even even when you're on set for the pilot you don't know yeah yeah like it's it's brutal it's brutal over there with the way they used to do it now actually for actors there's a lot more content there's so much going on so it actually is you've seen people getting stuff for amazon and netflix apple's doing stuff they got 800 billion dollars in the in their skyrocket waiting to spend it on content and it's like it's massive I think netflix just became the bigger than disney yeah and they own star wars and espn marvel you know it's it's kind of it's really kind of changed the past couple of years well it's open markets hasn't it it's it's it's accessible to more people than really than a movie or a hbo and also you got like that was commercial television the pilots you know you gotta you gotta sell ads you gotta have a certain show you know what i mean you can't swear you can't have this you can't have that that kind of stifled a bit of creative stuff that people wanted to see so if you're listening to this now then i guess it's probably no better time to to head on over well yeah i mean everyone's heading over there you got to risk it to get the biscuit in a way but also for me i i got kind of invited i kind of got that little i'd done a movie before i went over there and it is a bit of a party you get the invite and then that means you can walk to the to the to the party and then you got to stand in the line at the party then maybe you get to the front of the line at the party then maybe the bouncer checks your id and says you're all right mate and you walk in and then you get a foot in the door and then suddenly you get two feet in that door and then suddenly you get to walk into the party and then suddenly you get to order a drink at the party and then suddenly then you get king hit from behind and you're uh and i'm sure it's happened that i mean there's been plenty of kids that got that foot in the door um and probably burn out i'm sure and you and you like you said before you you you've concentrated on not just being at a party yeah exactly exactly you you know people can get to the party and then suddenly oh look at me whoo and it's like who's that new guy over there who's put kicking up a stink and also it's changed so much the industry he's stories from old folks about you know even the 90s and the 80s obviously and just there's no room for assholes in the business anymore people it's money it's show business it's not so fun if you're not rocking up to work on time if you are an asshole you know people just won't hire you it's a small business in that way like travel money like word spreads really easily in that business and if you're not good to work with and you take up more money than you should and money is time in that business and you know you might get jobs and so you kind of cut your teeth on Monte Carlo home and away i come to you cut your teeth home and away then you in terms of international kind of film production anyway you went Monte Carlo where from there what was the next kind of sliding door moment i did i did Monte Carlo and then i was over there kind of pounding away and then i got um like i did some work with uh this movie that still hasn't kind of come out yet and who knows if it will this is really small independent with this this guy named Janusz Kaminski who's Steven Spielberg cinematographer he's been Steven Spielberg cinematographer since Schindler's List yeah right so and he's just like really really amazing dude and i did a little independent with him and then suddenly i got an audition and i don't know how i got it but i got an audition to play cobra commander in gi trail retaliation and i did it i was like okay and i did that audition and i got the job and basically my job was how old you would be 23 21 21 and i got sent down to new orleans for four months and i had a couple of weeks you know a couple of days of work a week and i mean one one two week stretch was really hard where i had like this horrifically burnt face and it was five hours in makeup in the morning and an hour taking it off and that was pretty brutal i read scripts really different after that one oh he gets horrifically burnt on page three does he is it gonna get me an oscar well well at least you were old enough to enjoy the place though yeah exactly i exactly i was just perfectly old enough to enjoy the joint and go around and that kind of gave me a little insight into how the big ones go yeah yeah okay this is a big one yeah all right this is 150 million bucks yeah we're filming at the nasa assembly plant outside of new orleans and i'm doing lines opposite dwayne the rock johnson yeah right a helicopter in the background whoa so you don't fuck up you and you're also trying to keep fit too like so you're drinking oh no not not on that one no i was still young and still like just having a great time i didn't have i had a trench coat and a mask on the whole time so i didn't really right so i that was the first time my wife had put on weight yeah i got to the end of it and i looked down and went oh fuck i was going back to australia in three weeks for christmas i mean shit i'm not going back to australia looking like there's eight salads and skip rope for three weeks yeah okay back to summer summer summer summer in the beaches summer bodies are made in winter baby yeah um and so that was that was another one and then and then from that i think that that kind of came out maybe 2013 and i did movie called uh what did i do in 2013 i did november man yep with pierce bros which was another step up i actually did a pilot before that actually it never got picked up then i did this audition for november man you know you get the email through and it's like pierce brosnan spy you're his protege roger donaldson the direct is directing and he's done some amazing movies no way out and stuff one of my favorite like spy twist dramas and um and so my agents played it really well and kind of you know i managed to find out that the pilot wasn't going to go and then it got over to serbia and made this movie and that was another big one you know because then i was suddenly playing opposite pierce brosnan with my face yeah and i did have to take my shirt off oh that's another level of responsibility yeah okay i'm here in serbia it's a good time make sure you enjoy the experience but there's a job to do yeah and you work it against one of the best at playing spy then okay learn from him yeah what does he got to say about it you know stuff like that and be a bit of a sponge yeah that's kind of one of them and do sit ups and shit yeah and you know like know that oh maybe i can't go out and have 10 beers this weekend yeah maybe i've got to actually drink some waters for a couple of weeks long blacks exactly exactly yeah do you think that's what pierce was doing uh pierce it's like it's funny working with with people like pierce and i've worked with other guys like ray winstone as well who've done it and i talked to pierce pierce what are you looking for in a movie now mate he goes location and days off and you're like you're a legend yeah he's like he's like i've done my work yeah like i've i've done my hard stuff and and now he doesn't seem to age either no he doesn't he's a loveliest bloke as well he's like this really calm zen master yeah he's like i got a place in koala i got a place in malibu i got a place in london and my family's my wife they were bmw bongs that era that was when they had they were yeah that was when they first had special effects too yeah exactly he was the big like he kind of that those were kind of the precursors to these like superhero ones now we're gonna get some green screen yeah and we're gonna see what how big we can go let's have him surfing a massive wave with a kite wall legend he he he was also the first one that was in english since uh since since george lassenby always i mean if you're gonna call gunnery english that's a big thing for the scars no walls there's george lassenby yeah who was that in the yeah that's one of the things that's the that's the dream for me who is he from he's irish he's irish and like irish irish or north no he's he's irish he's irish no but george lassenby he was from queen bien yeah yeah yeah there was him and mark wimmer and omar mousa george kind of paved the way it's the dream for me to play james bond yeah yeah all right absolutely that's a call out q jackman got a look in there pre craig i reckon there was a lot of hype around that i reckon there's another iteration there's another four or five movies before i'll get a look in yeah even start to get a look in i think you reckon there'll be a black one before you idris i reckon you just hope i'll be sick yeah i reckon i reckon that'd be super cool if you read there's like so many storylines you can do with that so many storylines if you read the books though like um like in the first one by ian fleming their uh casino royale the description that he gives um uh for james bond is more of a david mitchell type character where um he's very rough around the edges he's he's quite portly oh he's losing his head so if these studios go back to um back to the cannon would you be prepared to disrespect your body and and become the next james bond oh absolutely i don't have anything to be james bond yeah that's the call out i would it'd be sick it'd be really sick i am actually like when we're doing hacksaw ridge mel came up to me between takes mel gibson sorry for dropping that name i'll pick that up um uh mel gibson came up to me between takes and said something like hey when when they asked you to be james bond you should do it i was like well i bloody hope so mate your lips to the big fellas ears i think you must have a hotline to him yeah um and he said and tell him tell him i'll direct it oh my god uh i just like i got offset that day i called my call my agents and my manager into the states went yeah guys uh mel just said this so that's just for your pocket and let's just keep that in the universe somewhere you know so it's like you get you know you get that kind of nod from mel it's like okay um maybe i'm doing something all right actually yeah so you work with mel on uh on hacksaw ridge did you yeah yeah so how was that experience because that was back you know after mel was done hugging the cactus and he was back and and he was making money he was back actually that was an independent movie actually no one punted on it really yeah that wasn't a studio pic well fuck they still don't they still don't they still well there weren't any americans in it no i mean we just it's show business not show fun baby you know so there was vince vaughan mel vince vaughan andrew garfield but andrew golf was half english yeah right yeah um and then the rest yeah the rest were aussies um but you know uh it was awesome working with mel you know the intimidating you know you yeah my favorite movie is braveheart you know braveheart and gladiator and yeah it's intimidating when you walk in there i was lucky that the second unit director i just done point break and the second unit director on that has been mel's second unit director since braveheart and was his stunt double from lethal weapon onwards so he knew him and i talked to him hey i'm doing this thing and he just kind of gave me the down like he's a lovely guy he really is a lovely guy and like don't be intimidated he got you for a reason and be confident in that and that was kind of nice to hear before you go and but still you had to walk into a room with mel to talk about this character and he just knows everything about making movies and telling stories he knows everything about the character he's written it exactly i mean he's got it yeah exactly he researched it then written it but he just comes in he's just the nicest guy he really has a heart the size of harlow yeah he's just and also so collaborative hey if you want to build a harley davenson this scene just justify it and i'll let you do it you know like okay well that kind of gives you room to do what you do and that that com he does instill this confidence in you that you didn't think you had you know you come up me between in some things just be like hey just be steve the queen and you're like wow he thinks i can do that yeah yeah okay all right no worries you know it's a strange confidence that he gives you even though he is an intimidating person to be around now the um the the what you've just been saying in a few examples is you know he's a cinematographer he's worked with him before and the guy that was doing that was working with him yeah do you find that it's um pretty similar to what you were kind of doing or what your old man does uh down in sydney in the um kind of you know it's it's not what you know you know getting jobs what's the old man my old man does uh home improvements he does pvc cladding and aluminium windows gutters facials there's a lot of word of mouth yeah exactly and that my dad's always one thing i learned because i was going to take over my dad's business i was going to go to university do a construction degree maybe expand it a bit but basically that was what i was going to do and growing up you know it's a home business the office was in the garage of our house and my mom did the books and just knowing kind of how my dad ran his business was really great because he hasn't he's been doing it since 1968 and he hasn't had one insurance claim right against him you know what i mean it was like one of those things like every time he went out to give someone a quote he was there absolutely on time yeah these little things that i learned from him just in terms of if you just do a good job and are a nice bloke and don't try and rip anyone off that goes a long way in this world it really does and they're my dad does this thing with his business where he goes like how many builders you know like my dad goes up gives him the quote and then hands him a list of the last 300 jobs he's done with their names phone numbers and addresses yeah that's how confident he is in the work he's done and like and you know the how he's treated his customers and stuff like that and so people kind of i think they give him the job halfway after that you know when someone's builder's going to give you their last 300 jobs they've done yeah they're pretty confident in what they do for sure they're not going to screw you around so kind of learning that you know that's just good parenting in a way um but yeah learning that knowing yeah it's it comes around it comes around be nice to the people on the way up because you'll meet them all on the way bloody down yeah i mean it sounds like you've got a good little uh thing to slot into if you ever get blacklisted before that all you were going to play rugby yeah you're going to play for the wallabies that was the plan yeah that was the plan no i i started playing i started playing rugby league when i was three yeah and i don't think you can do that anymore you know because i played under sixes for three years contact no absolutely at three yeah yeah it was you can do that in the channel country but probably not down in the not down in sydney anymore i'm not sure you're even allowed to tackle until you've got your p plates now i don't think certainly not a lot of head high anymore oh your t plates you know you know yeah i played so when i was three and down i remember the first time i got the ball i um you play mini footy across the field yeah you play sideline the ones that trotting before a big match as well at the footy stadium yeah i got the ball and first time i got the ball i ran to the big post and put it on the big post and i was stoked and everyone's like no mate watch too much tv watch too much tv but i played yeah played footy played a lot of rugby league and then i went to high school to play union yeah and started playing union there and i was lucky to play i you know in in primary school i played representative stuff i played like new south wales pwsa when i was in year six and got a big win up against you queenslanders when i was in that national championship thank you very much uh and then uh pre-quaint cooper and then and then moved on to high school and got to play some representative stuff at the end of high school you you know i got to play new stuff our school boys and stuff and kind of uh shadowed uh squad of the australian school boys and stuff like that and then i played probably probable and possible yeah well it was in case three of them got injured i would have got in yeah right um and then i played cults coming out of school in the sydney competition and kind of just had this revelation that if i this all goes really well for me how it's supposed to be going i won't see europe in the summer until i'm 30 something yeah and that was a bit of like i've been playing this game for 16 of my 19 years yeah and is that what life's about in a way and i remember being kind of physically um and and kind of creatively stimulated by it i get to play halfback or five eight and creatively or stimulated and physically it was good but kind of intellectually i wasn't quite there and i know i wanted to learn a bit more about the world and and just about stuff i just have got a bit of a curious mind and then yeah just this acting thing fell on the lap and i you know i i just took it and i went i'm gonna go for it and you know i'd already shook hands with another club to go get a bit of money and play for them and they had a bit of a plan for me to get to the waratahs in a year or two and stuff like that and yeah i just got this opportunity i mean i'm silly if i don't do this i'm so silly i like the world is bigger than this part where i know and i want to go and see that and i want to go and explore that and yeah i was just hearing that comes from having an english mother yeah my my beautiful mother yeah and i think it's a typically Australian thing as well we all go out there and go but i just think for me i kind of i had i i knew that there was more out there and that i i wanted to go and see it and give it a punt yeah i knew like i knew i could do this rugby thing but i didn't know if i could do the other thing and i wanted to see if i could do the other thing right i wanted to see this thing that had been the center of my life for the absolute majority of it all i dreamed of was doing playing was playing footy so you're going to produce the mainly seagull salary cap scandal movie no i'd rather produce their 2008 40 nil grand final triumph thank you very much so you're halfback were you yep in the 15-man aside in the in towards the end of my career i was a 15-man aside man so hypothetically um you'd be in Nick Phipps shoes by now he's a good mate at the show do you reckon Nick Phipps would swap places with you now or or do you think he'd rather get you know beaten up for a living bye i can't answer for Nick but i can answer for myself and i wouldn't change places it's much easier pretending to be a tough guy much easier do you did you ever play with any of those guys in the wallabies now i played against Nick um um very good mates grew up and playing played footy with Sam Carter captain of the Brumby's uh Nick White he used to play for the wallabies he was my reserve halfback in New South Wales school boys so i remember when i saw him playing for the wallabies i kind of had this bit of like oh i could have one of those gold jerseys i reckon you can start with it but um but yeah no i i it's much easier just pretending to be tough but is the training any easier like uh i don't think so like it really has kind of turned into this professional sportsman kind of idea as being the kind of male lead movie kind of guy um you got people like Hugh Jackman kind of really changed the game when he's playing Wolverine if you look at the photos of him playing Wolverine for the first time it just looks like a regular bloke and now him he's like it's it's not human he got Hemsworth as well Chris who is not playing a human being you know these guys that aren't human beings in the movie and everyone's sitting there going is that what a man looks like no superhero looks it's a superhero looks like that's what a cartoon character looks like that we then put on the screen and it's one of those things where i feel that responsibility a bit as well like i i did a movie best of me which is this you know Nicholas Sparks so was this was this uh pre it's pre point break yeah okay so i've done November man and then i come back and i got this Nicholas Sparks movie and it's like the Nicholas Sparks the guy that did the notebook and stuff same thing you know guy from the wrong side of the tracks girl from the right side of the tracks south of America he's the author right yeah yeah author yeah someone dies yeah a couple people die but it is war happy go um and i got a i got down to that and pre-production on that and they might have seen me a bit and they went Luke we've got this trainer for you actually we're going to bring on town okay right and so this guy came down i still work with him Michael Giardani he's a great bloke this this this French dude he's just he was world champion kickboxer and stuff like that no nonsense and i remember sitting down with him he goes okay you can't you got to eat what i give you and you got to do what i say exercise wise he'll be there training with me but you got it you can't eat anything else other than what i give you for four weeks yeah i went okay can i have a drink he goes no no alcohol for four weeks i went really like not even like a vodka or like a white wine he goes no alcohol no and i was 20 24 and i remember going okay i've been drinking probably since i was about 14 yeah and if i can't remember the time i've had four weeks off without a beer yeah since i was 14 i've got to do this just for me as a person if i can't take four weeks off the pierce at 24 there's something wrong and my life is not going to be where i want it to be and i'm not going to be the person i want to be if i can't do that and so i i mean i had a huge motivation you're going to take your shirt off and on film it's there forever so that's a great motivation don't get me wrong but it was also a big thing just for me like okay yeah do it and and i did that and it was i was really proud i was in new orleans for that film as well which is the most fun town in the world i love it and i managed to have an epic time and not have a drink for four weeks so not even milk you're not yet realistically what are you drinking like water and black coffee water and black hot water and black coffee i remember he goes you can't i go can i have a cappuccino he goes no no cappuccino no sugar black coffee i went shit all right and i had black coffee the first day i was like oh it tastes like shit and then the second day i was like oh i got to get through it the third day i woke up and went i want one of those black coffees it was the first time coffee was a drug for me yeah so i was you know learning curve that way in terms of how to be a man yeah how to be an adult yeah you know it's like you know no one ever tells you when you're growing up the there's not one day where you become an adult yeah you know no one tells you that you just suddenly you're 20 something and you've got responsibilities and you're living in a hotel room yeah and you got responsibilities like shit it's a bell curve of of of one mistake after another exactly and preferably not the same mistake is that you know you you tend to make your your worst kind of mistakes on the way up and then there's always one main one and then you learn from that main one and then it's all downhill from there yeah you learn from it but uh there's no more going on and you're yet to make that mistake obviously careers in um full trajectory you as you said before had a few things going on you could have worked in construction you could have potentially played for the wallabies nick white did you could have um you know you probably could have done that rugby league wise your family are die-hard manly yeah so which part of which part of sitting you from your northern beach so i'm from the northern beaches i grew up my my father was born in fairfield but then moved to freshwater harbord when he was about seven and grew up there his whole life and i was born in freshwater in manly hospital and grew up in freshwater and my dad i mean i grew up going down the beach and you know seeing max whitehead who was manly's first captain who chesty bonds yeah it's modeled after right and you know dad telling me the whole thing i used to get coached by fred jones who was manly's first ever premiership winning captain and you know not first like premiership winning captain for manly and and you know cliff lions coach my touch team and stuff like that and you boys talked to cliff the other day great well it was one of our first actual interviews on the podcast uh cliffy lions number three on the one that went out um around the country and cliffy actually it was interesting to see cliffy when we walked through the manly uh manly bales of the reverence that is yeah well it's just if they're yeah walking it's you know it's an experience that uh it's that you remember is walking through with cliff lines past the lion's den yeah and um and you know everyone in the tab turns around and goes hey cliffy hey gone cliffy nod nod nod yeah yeah i don't think he would have paid for beer no he hasn't played for a beer at that place for in quite a long time 30 something years so you you were your family involved in the club well involved my uncle played my uncle played in the i think i think he played in the president's cup in like 1968 won the grand final broke his arm in that i got his jersey from that um we were involved in the club a lot of manly junior rugby league you know i played for harvard devils for 13 years uh or 10 years and then i was went to high school when i was 13 yeah yeah and you know i played i played all around there and my father was one of the guys that started valley united which is a big club there and you know uh it's just it's just in the blood in the way that rugby league is and especially on the incident insular peninsula you know like we are diehards you know and it's and it's it's a siege mentality over there everyone hates us yeah well we hate you too yeah you only hate us because we're good so i guess it's safe to say that you do bleed the maroon and cerise maroon and white right and then there's and then there's a coming up to um to to to uh a very important uh couple of months and uh in the nl calendar huge it's the first time i've been in the country for this important important couple of weeks for since i left in 2010 really it's huge well what are your thoughts what do you think the blues are at look i i've i've been calling for jimmy the jet for a couple of years um which i think is a great thing i jimmy for me he's got that x factor that someone like stevie the pearl reneve had where it was okay he can score from anywhere and once he gets out there the old brit dallas i remember as a kid growing up nagas nagas was like yeah like when the queens i just got a little sniff and they're off you know and i think new south wales has that this team i love this team i really love this team um i think that we have a youthful exuberance but also a respect for the history you know finally some black fellas exactly at okar the fox man i'm so keen for him actually one of the boys in our film endangered closer we're filming at the moment aaron mcgrath his cousins with the fox right and we were talking to him a couple of weeks ago and he was just yes my cousin i went that's epic that is so epic he's going to play news that loves this year that's amazing how do you feel and you know it's the one it's the one thing i always the only people ever get starstruck by the sports stars yeah and like you see these people you know to me even just to meet the fox's cousin i was like wow um but yeah i think i think we're looking good man i mean it's one of those things but i was sitting there with my old man last night watching it all unfold and you blokes you queenslanders are in the exact position you always love to be and you finally actually the underdogs for the first time in 10 years and we're all sitting there going look we got latrell we got jimmy the jet look at turbos killing it like and now you guys are like okay we're just going to be real quiet yeah and we're going to put on that maroon jersey and we're going to fight we're going to fake a like a pivotal injury oh no there'll be a bug go through the camp don't worry don't worry there's a bug going through that camp and ben hunt's been struck down but he's going to make it mark my words ben hunt is going to come down sick and then he's going to come back and and play spinal scare a spinal injury final scare if you ask me i reckon that the the morons will be down by three points in the dying stages of game three the decider and then in will come cameron smith from the roof like owen hart or sting they'll have a smash of glass and then he'll run out with a slight hammer sorry just doing my tax i'm back no i i'm always worried about the queenslands always you should and that and that's the thing that i in saying that i think news of ours has this i think we have that great mix of young folks that can do it and the the this is our first competent team in a while so i think gal came out in the paper today and was like oh i would have picked furgo and and and and do goodness like man we picked them for 10 years we picked them for last fight no no no we're not picking them did you see the broncos roosters game the other day yeah latrell against jimmy the jet it was amazing yeah yeah yeah look what they can do and and i just think there's this there's this fresh start i love freddy as well as a coach like he's got this he's got this real kind of aura around him that is intense but also relaxed as well he's got that perfect mix of like when to turn it on and when to know where we are and who we stand as our position in the game you know we're not there yet and new south wales always do this we always had this little bit before this is our year this is our year but i think for the first time in 13 we really believe it well you know we really get a start no i didn't see for feeder was last year sitting there as a queenslander watching that match that first match with for feeder was just eating meters i thought that's something that we haven't experienced before as queenslanders is actual fords yeah but now we've got a couple mate we got clemmer and campbell gillard mate they can't be stopped a little ashay from western sydney you'll see how he goes down he's um did you see that just that bit it was like a post game they're in the sheds after the doggies won this one a couple of years ago and there's this bit where they're all doing the team song and then they're having a bit of you know dance around you and then they've circled around and clem has walked in the circle and he's like faked like flipping a dinger up into the air and catching it with his mouth and then just his buzzes and then gabbering and then he starts gabbering it's like wow that's an intense guy to go see it arrive yeah six foot six hundred and twenty kilogram dave clemmer yeah you'd stay out of his way he does that in the red rooster car party yeah no that's it now that it's going to look like a good match this year i think i think i think as well you know it's going to be we've got to be as much as we got all the points in this team we've got so many points in this team we gotta be willing to win six four we gotta like that set gotta be our mentality as well like hey if i don't go if we don't score 20 points in the first half it don't matter we've got it in us believe in ourselves believe in our defense and also growing up when i was playing footy if my if i was tackling well i was playing well yeah and i think freddy that's going to be his thing it's just going to be defense defense defense we don't you know what are you going to do in eight days with these team you're not going to teach them a new structure you know you're not going to teach them new brand new plays it's like guys tackle and you'll win and i think that's what queensland has done for a long time they're like what what amazing set players of queensland have no it's been tackle and execute you know and then and there's also been different ways of queenslanders too different waves sorry we've had you know bowen down to you know what they've been running with the last few years papali papali's pretty good i'm even if the pool pug did report himself for drink driving was that papali i can't believe that he drove home drunk sat in the car in his driveway and called the cops and said i've just drunk drove they came and breathalyzed him and then he got a suspension i say mate i'm gonna say good on you for being honest but there is a little element of if you've already done it don't yeah don't get yourself suspended there's being honest and then there's being honest you know stupid i didn't realize he did that yeah that's big he's a good boy well that's that's it he's a good boy he's a nice guy and he went you know what i'm gonna have to repay here get my 50 hail mary's and be on with it now what else is on the cards outside of um long tan outside of longtown i actually uh i'm i've got a couple of irons and a couple of fires for post summer in the northern hemisphere there's a couple of kind of big movies that i i'm really trying to grab and i might have an inside track on i'm not sure if i should put the jinx on them and say them yeah because i am a bit of a suspicious guy are they bigger than point blank uh which yeah yeah one of them is bigger and the other one is yeah probably bigger as well um but also i've got my girlfriend's swedish and uh she's in music and so we have this kind of similar life but different obviously and so we are all constantly on the road and stuff like that and we actually just got a tiny bought a little tiny country house in sweden so after this job i'm going to go to sweden and like get on the tools and fix up this house that was built in the 1700s that i need to put a roof on and that's full manly with my rendered brick down the side big uh infinity pool the sand castle you got to do the russell crow and buy the buy the poor old manly sea eagles first well i got to make some cash first and then i would love to come in and if if they needed help i would love nothing more than to be part of that club for the rest of my life well if you listen to the press um which you should always always listen to the press um that that a few blokes from the bears you know a few of those lane cove astin martin owners um they were gonna pony up about four million dollars uh but they're still six for the whole of the manly sea eagles is that how much it costs no it's a quarter acre and freshy for that much it's ten footy club we're worth at least ten we definitely worth ten no they never do it like they never do it like the manly will go public before it goes to the north city bears we already bought them yeah and that didn't what was that horrific hybrid they had the northern eagles oh my god okay it was a it was a it was a lean year well it was it to you well on that luke well all the best to your team yeah the best of your state we're just coming out to the top of the hour here um we're getting the hurry on from murray good hello sport on next um yeah all the best to your career as well mate thanks for joining us thanks for having us boys and that was luke bracy coming up to the top of the hour we are out of time we don't have time to do the mailbag this week but if you would like the editors either clancy or i to read out one of your letters answer some of your questions your queries about life journalism the news and other things please email submissions at the tutor advocate.com and we will be sure to make time next week and until then i am errol parker and alongside me is clancy overall uh until then you be good to each other and we'll see you on tomorrow you be kind to each other you're listening to errol parker and clancy overall editors of the patooter advocate on desert rock fm right now at honda find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer unselected civic hatch and sedan models there's never been a better time to get into a civic so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into 100 today tease and seize a plot ends august 31st see website for details |
TheOnion | Doofus_Chilean_Miner_Stuck_Down_There_Again | A doofus Chilean miner is stuck down there again. The U.S. adds 4 million new jobs, but in St. Louis. And a brief reprieve from Mariah Carey's Christmas song comes to a resounding end. Look on helplessly in abject horror at what your world has become. It's the Onion Week in review. Violent explosions rocked a Baghdad market today, killing 54 Iraqi citizens in Not Our Problem Anymore. The blasts were timed to coincide with evening prayers and were evidently part of a coordinated attack aimed at, look, they're just going to have to learn to deal with us themselves because we're out of there come January. We cannot and will not allow insurgents to destabilize the gains we've made. And I literally put this mess out of my mind the second after it happened. Also in the region today, 14 civilians were reportedly killed near Kandahar in some shit we still have to fucking deal with.
This week, badly shaken researchers reported observing an osprey stalking, killing and devouring an adult male lion in what is being called a massive food chain shakeup. Confirmation of the three-pound marine bird consuming the 400-pound feline has biologists scrambling to determine the new predator-prey connections between the planet's billions of organisms. We seem to be experiencing some sort of cross-species dietary free-for-all. Scientists say that the killing of the healthy full-grown lion by a typical osprey specimen has lent credibility to recent reports of a deer seen grazing on a nest of squirrels in Wisconsin, as well as a claim made by a group of Japanese fishermen who say they witnessed 300 million krill devouring a 40-ton humpback whale.
In the wake of the sex abuse scandal that rocked Penn State last month, the nation's 10-year-old boys called a press conference this week to insist that police be contacted immediately anytime anyone witnesses a prepubescent child being raped. After a grand jury revealed that Nittany Lions football coach Jerry Sandusky was seen by a colleague raping a 10-year-old boy in 2002 and the proper authorities were never summoned, the assemblage of elementary school children said they felt it was necessary to clearly define the acceptable course of action if one witnesses such an act. The nation's little boys emphasized that seeing anyone commit any form of rape is more than enough reason to directly contact the police. And in This Week in Tech, brought to you by LG, Ford looks down on a website that would let itself be plastered in Ford's ads, and a local robot is not programmed for that, but whatever. In other news, NASA acquires the moon for an upcoming Kennedy Space Center exhibit. A radio DJ invites the whole town to some bullshit, and a court rules that Meryl Streep is unable to be tried by a jury, as she has no peers. Assuming the Many Universes theory of quantum mechanics is accurate, the review you've just seen will remain relevant in another reality for all eternity. For more, visit TheOnion.com slash Newsbeat. |
TheOnion | Bee_Man_Allergic_To_Bees_Found_Dead_In_Apparent_Murder_Suicide | From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. A quick note before we begin. Today's episode of the podcast deals with death, so if you or anyone you're listening with feels like that might sound a little too much like every other day's news, and you think you may find it repetitive or even boring, we here at OPR understand and would urge you to just go back and listen to yesterday's episode again instead. Unless it's about death, too. I don't really remember. But let's face it, it probably is. You know what? Forget what I said. You're just gonna have to suck it up and get used to hearing more about people dying. Back with plenty of that, right after this.
Gruesome new details out of Pleasant Grove, Utah, where this week, police have discovered the two bodies of a bee and a man allergic to bees, both dead in an apparent murder-suicide. OPR investigative reporter Marci Hammond joins me now to fill us in on this tragic story. Well, Leslie, the scene was absolutely horrific.
The bodies of 45-year-old Pleasant Grove resident Gary Shipman and the 98-day-old honeybee were found in Shipman's backyard by a neighbor. According to reports, Shipman's body was completely swollen from anaphylaxis, and the murder weapon, a poison stinger, was located still in the man's arm. The insect's body, on the other hand, was completely severed in half, its entrails spilled onto the ground. I spoke to Detective Dale Grayson, who is leading the investigation. We believe Gary Shipman was in the middle of eating lunch at his outdoor patio table when the incident occurred. At some point, the altercation turned violent, and Mr. Shipman attempted to defend himself with a rolled-up newspaper, which was found lying on the ground near his body. However, the honeybee ended up stabbing Mr. Shipman, who then went into anaphylactic shock and died. The bee, possibly realizing what he had done and seeing no way out, tore its body away from Shipman's with the full knowledge that doing so would cause its barbed stinger to get stuck and rip its abdomen in half. The bee was killed almost instantly.
Just tragic. Marcy, how did things get to this point? Did the victims know each other?
Well, Captain Grayson did note it was possible if there were no signs of forced entry, but wasn't able to confirm that. I did speak with some of Shipman's neighbors, however, who say they've seen the bee around the neighborhood on numerous occasions. I know I saw that man swatting away a bee that was trespassing on his property the other day. He was screaming and cursing. I'm not sure if it was the same bee. I couldn't see its face. All I know is that they were both getting pretty aggressive, and the bee didn't leave until the man turned on the sprinkler.
So there could have already been some bad blood between the two. Is there any chance Gary Shipman's murder was premeditated? It's a possibility, but the bee would have had to have known that Shipman was deathly allergic to bee venom for the death to be considered intentional. Police instead suspect a robbery gone wrong. Mr. Shipman had an open soda can on the patio table that they think the bee could have been going for. They theorize that the bee saw an opportunity, took it, and that one decision led to both their deaths. See, and people tell me I'm being paranoid when I see a bee and immediately put my hand over my beverage. Still, some residents defend the bee's actions and think that Shipman may have been the first to attack, like local entomologist Jamal Greenberg, who specializes in bee behavior. I just don't buy this story.
Bees rarely get violent unless defending their hive or in a situation where their own life is threatened. Stinger violence for bees is always a last resort.
Well, that just sounds like victim blaming to me. So where do things go from here?
Well, police have yet to inform the honeybees family of the incident. Most officers are too afraid to go near the insect's home, and several have already been chased away from the hive.
But once they do, I'm sure they'll have more information on what exactly happened in this sad, sad case. Extremely juicy reporting, thank you Marcy. That's OPR's Marcy Hammond, back in a moment.
The coronavirus pandemic continues to devastate countries all over the world, wreaking havoc on their economies, causing unemployment to skyrocket, and forcing many to leave their homes to find a better life in another country. And these hardships now even include some struggling Americans, says just this past week, Toronto officials reported that hundreds of American cinephile refugees have arrived on rafts along the shores of Canada, all to see the premiere of the new Christopher Nolan film, Tenet.
OPR Canada correspondent Remi Berglind joins me now with more. Hello Remi. Good to be here Leslie.
So what was it that finally forced these film enthusiasts to flee their homes? Most of these refugees are just like you and me, struggling under the coronavirus. Yeah. But many of the nation's cinephiles have begun to starve for new film content. Summer blockbusters and awards season films were what kept these men and women going. And there's no telling when they'll be able to attend an opening night or film festival world premiere in the United States again.
That is incredibly tragic. It is. But when it was announced that the highly anticipated movie Tenet would be opening in Canada in late August, it gave a lot of these film fanatics hope. Enough hope to make the long arduous journey. That's right.
These refugees gave up their lives in the United States and traveled up to a hundred miles across Lake Ontario in leaky rafts all the way from upstate New York under the cover of night. Many came with nothing more than the Pulp Fiction shirt on their back and $20 in their pocket for a large popcorn and soda. I spoke with some of these movie buffs and their stories are just heartbreaking.
Take a listen.
Back in my home country, there are no new movies. I go to Fandango every day, hoping that there will be a superhero film or even a Disney Pixar animated adventure, but there's nothing for us. I left my family back home in the old country where right now, for all I know, they're having to watch the sequel to The Kissing Booth on Netflix.
I'm sorry. It's just the first one sucked so bad. I can't imagine them sitting through a second one.
I plan on sending them my review of Tenet. The first chance I get. Well, as someone whose father came to the United States from Italy in the 1950s just to see an early screening of Singin' in the Rain, I understand completely.
So what are these refugees planning to do now that they've made it to Toronto safely? Well, Canada is much more welcoming to refugees than the United States is, so for the most part, Toronto officials are already helping them resettle. They've set up a refugee camp stocked with emergency concessions, DVD players in case anyone needs to revisit Inception. There's even complimentary movie theater kiosks where American film nuts can purchase their tickets in advance. And with the large number of Americans coming over, it looks like more of these camps may be necessary. Wow, does Canada have the infrastructure to handle that kind of influx? Canadian officials say that if the U.S. doesn't get the coronavirus pandemic under control enough for movie theaters to open in their own country, Canada may have to start deporting Americans who have already had a chance to see Tenet, so they can start preparing for the massive number of refugees they predict will cross their borders when Wonder Woman 1984 premieres in October. So we may have more dark times ahead of us. Are there any refugees regretting going to Canada? Well, despite everything, they all seem to be staying incredibly hopeful, knowing they'll have more opportunities to see movies when they first come out. And some have already achieved the Canadian dream of seeing Tenet.
I spoke to one lucky refugee right after a screening, and I gotta say, I've never seen such a strong display of emotion for a movie out of a discerning film buff. Sir, can you tell me, what did you think of the film you came all this way to see? It was kind of confusing. Wow, that's so moving.
Now, Remy, will Americans who do not have the means to leave the country ever be able to see Tenet? Oh, absolutely. Tenet opens in the U.S. just a week after Canada's premiere. You just have to wait a little bit. Oh, well, I can do that. Thanks, Remy. That's OPR's Remy Berglind, back in a moment.
Well, it's no secret drilling for oil is dirty business. And as natural deposits are used up, oil companies have taken to drilling even deeper than before, and in more dangerous locations, seeking untapped reserves.
But that may soon change, as ExxonMobil announced this week their plan to simplify oil extraction by simply cutting the Earth in half. Here with more is OPR's chief hydrocarbon correspondent, Rebecca Neal. Hi, Leslie. ExxonMobil spokesperson Todd McNamara told reporters at a press conference yesterday about the company's new initiative to cleave the Earth into two separate pieces and drain out the crude oil hidden inside. The plan, they say, will have minimal environmental impact and provide Americans with affordable, clean fuel.
Okay, so think of the Earth as like a really round egg. And on the inside of the shell is the egg white, or oil. And the yolk is lava and stuff, but that part's not important. We intend to score the Earth all the way around like with an egg topper and then tap it with a chisel. This will split the planet into two pieces, giving ExxonMobil access to all that ooey-gooey petroleum goodness buried inside. Then it's just a matter of suctioning up the oil and processing it into gasoline and other great products. I see. So the egg shell is like rocks and dirt we stand on.
Where will the cup be made, the equator? Actually, the company says they will initially break ground in the Rocky Mountains, sawing eastward through the country, across the Atlantic Ocean, dipping south through Africa, and then back up again through the Middle East and China, and then across the Pacific to the starting point.
Ah, so more of a 60-40 split. Correct. Once separated, the two halves, which ExxonMobil is calling Big Earth and Earth 2, will need to be cleaned and prepared for total oil extraction, creating possibly millions of jobs. Oh, jobs. We like those.
But what's been the public's reaction so far? The plan is not without its detractors. Opponents say ExxonMobil is downplaying how chopping the planet in twain could affect people who live near the edge of the cut, and conservationists fear local wildlife could suffer if all the oil in the planet were to leak out. Protests have already begun, with activists laying across the cut zone, which ExxonMobil warns could put them in danger of being ripped in half once the company breaks ground. Here's ExxonMobil spokesperson Todd McNamara again addressing those concerns.
Okay, everyone needs to relax. Lapping off half the Earth will have minimal effects on gravity, and we've already taken precautions to safeguard indigenous people and native wildlife.
ExxonMobil is committed to ensuring our two pieces of planet are around for future generations to enjoy. That's why we've pledged to offset our carbon footprint by planting nearly 600 trees along the cut zone. And once we'll have all the petroleum we need, we'll be off to our next adventure, obliterating the moon to look for coal.
That's great. Now, McNamara mentioned safety precautions the company plans to take. What exactly are those? McNamara did not specify, but assured critics that any spilled oil was far more likely to float off into space than to contaminate groundwater or farmland. Oh, well, let's hope it doesn't come to that. My Ford F-350 Super Duty only gets about six miles to the gallon, so I'll need every drop they can suck out of this planet.
Or what's left of it. Thanks for the report, Rebecca. That's OPR's Rebecca Neal, back in a moment.
Well, folks, to be honest, now that the Earth is going to be split in two, we're not really sure what news technically falls within our jurisdiction, and we sure as hell aren't about to report on something we don't have to, so just to play it safe, we're instead going to close out the show today by answering a few questions submitted by you, the listener, using the hashtag Leslie's Mail Sack. Our first question today comes to us from Twitter user Leanne Delulis, who writes, Hi there, Leslie.
Love the show. I was wondering if there was any rivalry slash infighting among the OPR reporters. Would love some dirt on whether Marcy, Jenna, and or Rebecca are sworn enemies or anything exciting like that. Well, believe me, Leanne, I'd love nothing more than to break out the chardonnay for a good old-fashioned dish sesh, but unfortunately there's not much gossip to share.
You see, here at OPR, it's less of a rivalry among co-workers and more of a clear written-in-stone hierarchy with me at the tippy-top and all the rest of the team wriggling around for my scraps below like the pathetic worms they are. And to help ensure that, we also have a weekly office fight club where they can all blow off some steam and beat the shit out of one another until they collapse in a heap of bodily fluids and broken teeth. Any animosity they feel toward each other gets left in the ring, and we found that it really makes for a more healthy and conducive work environment.
Thanks for your question. All right, our next question comes to us from Twitter as well.
Well, that's very nice of you to say, Moxie, but you know, funny enough, the topical was actually already adapted into a film back in 2002. It was called Sweet Home Alabama, and I was honored to be played by the lovely Reese Witherspoon. It's a relatively obscure film, so I won't fault you for not having seen it.
Thanks again for your question. Okay, and our last question comes to us from Twitter user, Jaulter's Wife, who asks, Who would win in a fight, you or Clifford Banes? Oh, very interesting question. Who would win in a fight, me or the longtime host of The Onion News Network's flagship cable news program, In The Know. Well, Clifford, would you like to come out of your cage and tell them who would win? That's what I thought. I hope that sufficiently answered your question.
Thanks again for listening. Shut up! And that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price. The news doesn't stop just because life on this planet is almost over, so be sure to visit theonion.com while you still can. And don't forget to tune into tomorrow's episode, where we'll sit down with a disgraced medical professional who's going to share with us a bunch of totally false information so we can lightly criticize it. It's sure to make us feel good, and will certainly in no way introduce people to discredited theories that they never should have been exposed to in the first place. You won't want to miss it. We'll see you next time. Subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
cracked | 4_film_couples_way_nastier_than_you_remember_yboc_star_wars_terminator | They got one nazzle that's gonna spray on you for 30 seconds and you won't even have time to wash off your ass! Well they let us take our boots off. No! Never answered the dwarf.
Real romances take a long time to develop, certainly longer than like 8 minutes in between car chases, so movies don't have time to realistically portray all of those anti-climactic milestones. No, like the first joint trip to IKEA, or the first time one of you poops at the other's house, or the first time a couple joint poops into a single toilet at IKEA. Those fall by the wayside in favor of dramatic moments that are nothing to build a relationship on, but everything to build a future attempted murder on when the couple realizes they actually hate each other's cute catchphrases.
I mean, as soon as the bullets stop flying anyway. Civilization may have been reduced to rubble in the Terminator, but the desperate apocalyptic survivors still cling to the cornerstones of American values. I'm talking guns. I'm talking freedom.
I'm talking lusting after each other's mothers and act as American as apple pie, but juicier. In all of these senses, Kyle Reese is one of America's greatest horniest patriots. He's sent to prevent the extermination of all mankind via liberal application of bullets and banging his commander's mom from behind, or rather, from the past.
I don't want it!
John Connor, the commander of the human resistance, sends Reese back in time to thwart an evil Austrian murder bot who wants to kill Connor's mom and by extension Connor himself. What Reese doesn't know is he also has a secret secondary object to score with Connor's mom like he's in an 80s sex comedy. That's why Connor handed Reese an unsolicited photo of Sarah well before the vital mission, as if it were a casual gift between friends like, Hey, he has a picture of my mom when she was young and like super hot and super horny bro.
I'm just sayin'. What's most difficult for me is trying to decide what to tell you and what not to.
This is because Connor's mom recorded an audio message that basically demanded John find a way to ensure Kyle gets his sweet ass back in time for some tender motherfucking. Think of it as 30 years before play, and all goes according to plan and Reese falls in love with that photograph, you know, as one does with blurry, filthy polaroids of people's moms brooding dramatically. In his words, which is a lot more poetic than your son gave me a photo of you did I masturbated to while in the apocalyptic future, but uh, you're here now. So to recap, Reese falls in love with Sarah mostly because he really likes her son and her photo made for good fap and Sarah falls in love with Reese because her unborn son set them up and she just really likes her future son's taste in dudes. Man, they're lucky that they had a terminator chasing them and they didn't have time to really consider all this because believe me, freakin' nothing wilts a boner like a time traveling edible jigsaw puzzle.
While almost everything about the Star Wars prequels is a poorly written, politically charged fever dream, Padme and Anakin's relationship still manages to stand out as particularly awful. Besides the fact that the two have terrible chemistry and that all of their lines amount a little more than, I love you, for real, yeah, like even more than granular material composed of finely divided rock and mineral particles. The whole narrative basis for their relationship is just flat out bonkers. Why is Padme even interested in Anakin?
When they met, he's only 9 years old. I mean, she herself may have been only 14, but there aren't that many freshmen in high school looking to bang 4th graders. Oh, and she was the queen of an entire damn planet. That adds a few mental years between her and the booger eating sand slave who almost certainly hasn't had the talk yet beyond, boys have lightsabers and girls have sarlax. When they meet again, a whopping 10 years later, Padme's a big city girl trying to have it all, and all in this case means balancing political infighting with repeated assassination attempts, and just because Anakin is now old enough to star in barely legal padawans gone wild, doesn't mean she's going to connect with a supposedly sexless chaste priest wizard with a rat tail. They have absolutely no common ground save for their prior shared adventure when he was an overly precocious child, and she was a teenager who looked and behaved like an adult. And that's what they build their love on, the report they used to have back when they were separated by an ocean of puberty and acting prowess.
And I'm sorry Jake, I know it's not your fault, but it's true.
But the real issue here is how the Jedi, and in particular Obi-Wan, do virtually nothing to stop them from hooking up. Is Palpatine using his clouding power to disguise Anakin's constant leering, or how suspiciously pointy his robes become whenever Padme saunters by? After all, Obi-Wan decides that the best course of action is to send the two lovebirds to what amounts to the sexiest part of the sexiest planet in the whole sexy galaxy.
Naboo? More like Naboo Bees?
And somebody really should have checked Padme's bags to see how many leather dominatrix outfits she pecked because it was at least one! If you really can't find literally any other Jedi in the galaxy to guard Padme's felt body, then at least send the two somewhere decidedly unsexy like Dagoboth. Well, at least force them to sleep inside of a fresh Tonton or something, and anyway, if they're really supposed to hide from would-be assassins, why would they pick the one planet she's literally been the queen of? Everybody there knows who she is. The only conclusion is that for some reason the Jedi were secretly rooting for these two to get together even though the fire from their groins would burn down the Republic and the entire Jedi will run!
The Transporter's Frank Martin is an incredibly precise man, he knows exactly how much weight his car can handle to evade cops, how much gas such maneuvers would require, and even apparently the resting heart rate of shipping containers. Lai, by contrast, doesn't seem to be worried about much. Here's her hanging out in the house of a guy who literally just tried to sell her into sex slavery. Frank and Lai's relationship gets off to a rough start when Frank delivers her in a bag to a criminal. To be fair, he also gives her an Orgina, but double also, he leashes her up like a dog, hunts her down like a serial killer when she escapes, and murders two cops in front of her, but triple also, he crams those corpses into the trunk with her for maybe warmth. But then the deal inevitably goes south, but only because Frank is betrayed, not because he suddenly grew a conscience, and as he's making his getaway in a stolen car, he doesn't give a single thought to what happened to Lai. He concluded his human trafficking for the day and was heading home for a smoke in an app, abandoning Lai to her horrific fate, the fact that she was coincidentally hiding in the same car is the only reason these two ever see each other again. Eventually, Frank brings her back to his house and unties her, she asks if she can leave, and he's like, I don't give a shit, but she stays, and the two of them survive a retaliatory attack on Frank's house thanks to his sexy scuba escape. Once back on dry land, Lai immediately strips her clothes off and offers to transport his penis into her shipping container of a vagina. Cold, rational, calculating Frank doesn't bother to question the motives of a woman he had trafficked less than 24 hours prior to her, and what do you know? Turns out Lai is using sex to trick Frank into helping her.
I don't like it when things get complicated. But life seems simple.
And we're expecting some serious blowback from Frank for that betrayal. I mean, if there's anything we've been taught about his character up to this point, break his rules, you're in trouble. Betray him? You're in a lot of trouble. Betray him and break his rules and have sex with him?
You are in no trouble. For her, part Lai does claim that the bedroom part was totally for real good boning time and I guess that single orgasm was enough to transform Frank from a detached professional into a bleeding heart willing to go on a suicide mission for a near stranger. One of these two is going to smother the other in their sleep and make their escape about 15 minutes after the credits roll, since historically most human trafficker sexual manipulator relationships don't tend to last. Oh. And Lai isn't in Transporter 2, so I guess we know who won that sexy smother pillow fight.
Sometime in the future timeline of passengers, Earth has finally grown tired of Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence and blasted them into space with a few other would-be colonists. And since Matt McConaughey has already used up all of his wormholes for love, the trip will take 120 years. Today I'm the age you were when you left. 30 years into the trip, the ship bumps into an asteroid causing one of the cryo-sleep pods to fail, Chris Pratt.
You feel like you're supposed to be somewhere else. You said it.
And after a year of trying to cope with the shit-ass of being the only person awake, Pratt contemplates suicide for a moment and then instead decides to stalk frozen chicks. He creeps on the pod of an unconscious Jennifer Lawrence and it's not long before he decides to wake her up, effectively sentencing her to death. He cleverly hides the fact that he is the reason that she's no longer napping and she's horrified but, you know, she quickly accepts the situation and makes the most of it by writing Pratt's space boner to their new planet.
Oh. Space. Chloeka. The one thing I do not need more of. But then of course she does find out and she's pissed but she also gets over it because nothing heals a broken heart like an impending spaceship explosion because that same asteroid that woke them up, it also put a tiny hole in the ship's reactor and once they realize the ship they're on is going to explode from something besides their passionate lovemaking, they put aside their petty differences and fix their reactor together using the power of Stockholm Syndrome.
Dude, shut up! That is awesome sauce!
Lawrence then forgives Pratt and they build a beautiful life together. Evidently a year of being sexually manipulated can be wiped away as long as your manipulator is also willing to sacrifice himself to save his spaceship.
Yet another thing nobody bothered to teach me in public school sex ed. What did we talk about?
The Chloeka. The actual movie is lame at best and problematic at worst but I can fix it. What should have happened is everything stays the same except Pratt actually dies out there fixing the ship. He succeeds in keeping Lawrence and everybody else alive but the fire like melts his skin off or whatever. Now Lawrence is suddenly faced with the exact same dilemma Pratt faced at the beginning of the movie.
She can either remain all alone on this spaceboat until she dies or she could wake up some sleeping hot boy and pretend it was an accident. Get out of here! She'd fight the urge for a few months, maybe even a few years but eventually she can't take it anymore and she finds some dude who looks like he'd make a great dad and screws with his pod until the thing malfunctions. Lawrence rushes back to her pod and lies down.
The man's eyes snap open. He sits up. He looks over and sees Lawrence has sat up too.
Are we the only ones awake? He asks apparently Scottish.
Looks like it says Lawrence. She smiles slightly. I'm Jennifer Lawrence from The Hunger Games by the way. Cue creepy music stab.
Roll credits. Cash check for a hundred million dollars. Done. Well we have conversed about how Jason Statham would sell his kidney if asked by a wet woman conferred about which Star Wars planet is the most powerful aphrodisiac and made myself famished for Reese's perfect combination of peanut butter and juicy vagina pie. I guess that's all. Feel free to rummage through the cabinets and you know take whatever you want. It's not like it's my drugs. Oh yeah. Getting some real full bodied salmon notes in there.
Can we say that? It's not going to end. I'm going to cut that.
Three minutes after the credits roll since historically most human traffickers sexual manipulator relationships don't tend to last. Oh. And Lai isn't in Transporter 2 so I guess we know who won that sexy smother pillow fight.
Sometime in the future timeline of passengers Earth has finally grown tired of Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence and blasted them into space with a few other would-be colonists. And since Matt McConaughey has already used up all of his wormholes for love, the trip will take 120 years. Thirty years into the trip, the ship bumps into an asteroid causing one of the cryo sleep pods to fail, Chris Pratt. And after a year of trying to cope with the sh**ness of being the only person awake, Pratt contemplates suicide for a moment and then instead decides to stalk frozen chicks. He creeps on the pod of an unconscious Jennifer Lawrence and it's not long before he decides to wake her up, effectively sentencing her to death.
He cleverly hides the fact that he is the reason that she's no longer napping and she's horrified but, you know, she quickly accepts the situation and makes the most of it by riding Pratt's space boner to their new planet. But then of course she does find out and she's pissed but she also gets over it because nothing heals a broken heart like an impending spaceship explosion because that same asteroid that woke them up, it also put a tiny hole in the ship's reactor. And once they realize the ship they're on is going to explode from something besides their passionate lovemaking, they put aside their petty differences and fixed the reactor together using the power of Stockholm Syndrome. Lawrence then forgives Pratt and they build a beautiful life together. Evidently a year of being sexually manipulated can be wiped away as long as your manipulator is also willing to sacrifice himself to save his spaceship.
Yet another thing nobody bothered to teach me in public school sex ed. What did we talk about?
The actual movie is lame at best and problematic at worst but I can fix it. What should have happened is everything stays the same except Pratt actually dies out there fixing the ship. He succeeds in keeping Lawrence and everybody else alive but the fire like melts his skin off or whatever. Now Lawrence is suddenly faced with the exact same dilemma Pratt faced at the beginning of the movie.
She can either remain all alone on this space boat until she dies or she could wake up some sleeping hot boy and pretend it was an accident. She'd fight the urge for a few months, maybe even a few years but eventually she can't take it anymore and she finds some dude who looks like he'd make a great dad and screws with his pod until the thing malfunctions. Lawrence rushes back to her pod and lies down.
The man's eyes snap open. He sits up. He looks over and sees Lawrence has sat up too.
Are we the only ones awake? He asks apparently Scottish.
Looks like it says Lawrence. She smiles slightly. I'm Jennifer Lawrence from the Hunger Games by the way.
Cue creepy music stab, roll credits, cash check for a hundred million dollars. Done. We have conversed about how Jason Statham would sell his kidney if asked by a wet woman conferred about which Star Wars planet is the most powerful aphrodisiac and made myself famished for Reese's perfect combination of peanut butter and juicy vagina pie. I guess that's all. Feel free to rummage through the cabinets and take whatever you want. It's not like it's my drugs. Oh yeah. Getting some real full bodied salmon notes in there.
More like Camine O face. More like Alder on top. More like the forest moon of back door. More like it's raining Mendelor. More like tap that assoween. More like the outer rim job. More like mutual jacooing off. More like Yavin four way. More like Hosnian Prime. More like vaginosis. More like master crate to Sarah Connor in my apocalyptic cave bunker. More like cockrailia. More like the red hot planet of blustafar. More like horror sau- eh can we say that it's like an intro- I'm gonna cut that. |
dropout | celebrity_slumber_party_with_jack_black | If someone said, hey, do you want to go to UCLA, I hear they have a great course on horse technologies. Horse course.
I'd be like Pass. Hi, guys. Welcome to my slumber party, where I invite guests over to play fun little sleepover games. And as you know, you only invite your best friends to a slumber party. So that's why I brought my best friend, star of the House with the Clock at its Walls, Jack Black. It's a little awkward. I thought there would be more people at this sleepover party. Nope.
I wanted one-on-one time. We needed to play games one-on-one. So let's play our first game, which is Magic 8 Ball. So my first question for this ball.
Have I ever done a Borat impression at an inopportune time? Shake it. I'm going to do this. This is going to be a good test of the thing, because you know the answer to this.
My wife. Wow. Amazing. I can't believe it. My wife.
Who hasn't done my wife? Who hasn't? I mean, I don't think I have a high my wife count in my life. I don't think I've met my wife to too many people.
Will I find out anything new about horses in the next month? Oh, my god. That's going to be huge. You need to know that now. That would be, yeah, easy to do, because I know almost nothing. Very doubtful. I'm OK with that. It either sounds like you're going to be extremely uneducated about horses this month, or you know everything.
It's like if someone said, hey, do you want to go to UCLA? I hear they have a great course on horse technologies. Horse course. I'd be like Pass.
Does any dog like me? Shake it. Does any dog like her?
Very doubtful. Have you ever thought about getting a cat? No. Is there a dead bug in my house that I don't know about?
Almost assuredly. It is certain. Absolutely.
We've got a lot of proteins lying around. Yeah, just free protein lying around in your house.
Think of it that way. Scoop it up. Eat it. Scooby snack. Yeah, it's a little Scooby snack. Eat it. Whatever. Eat the cockroach.
So we're going to play charades, where I, via my brilliant acting, I'm going to act up some of your work. Oh, my god. I'm scared of this, actually. OK. Two words. Motorcycle bar, bar, tube. Oh, shit. Channel, TV. Oh, cable guy. Yes! Oh, my god. I had nothing for cable. That was good, though. You went straight to a. I went to my like Robert De Niro place, you know? One word. Motorcycle. A mic? Oh, dog. Oh, oh, yeah. Fucking, wait a second.
Yes. Hey, that was great. You got everything around. It was like the negative space of the movie. Do you know what happened?
One time, I was introducing my father to somebody, and I thought just for a flash, how embarrassing would it be if I forgot my father's name? And then I forgot my father's name. Dad. And the weird thing is, we have the same name.
Seven words. The house with the clock at its wall. Dang. Got them. I should have known when you said seven words, though, because it's so many words for a movie. Rocking, rocking hard today.
No, it couldn't have been. That's not the name of anything.
We're moving on to our next name, which is Scary Story. Oh, my god. So sentence by sentence, we are going to build the scariest story of all time. Let's do this.
Ooh, there was once an old man by the river. And if you ever saw him on the 13th of any Friday, you would see him transform into an octopus-style creature that had the head of a human with the body of an octopi. And it was rumored that if you said one secret word, you would send him into a frenzy. And then one day, a little boy named Chesworth came to the lake area where the octopi man lived. And suddenly, he saw the octopi man rise from the depths.
And the little boy screamed the only thing he could. Help! Then the octopus man was about to eat the boy when suddenly came from the north, a horse at full gallop with the head of a chicken. And it screamed out a word. It's been told. And then the octopi man said, fuck. That was the word. And the boy said, thank you. I think you killed the octopi man with the magic word.
Cool. And rumor has it that if you too go to a lake, you may see a chicken horse that could mean good signs for your future. The end. Wow. That one really could use a rewrite. We might need like a heavy VFX budget, but I think that's in the cards.
Universal, hello? What's up, my man? Hello?
Jack, it is 7.30 on the dot, and that means it's time for me to go to bed. Good night. I'm going to go to bed too.
Thank gosh. Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job, and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
dropout | jake_and_amir_at_ny_comiccon_with_pete_holmes_episode_1 | Mark writes I'm 19 years old and I'm turning 20 in two months I've gone to second and third base with a couple girls, but I live in the south So both girls ended up being too conservative for home play I haven't had any action in a year and I'm feeling a little psyched out by still being a virgin at almost 20 I got on the subject with my co-worker and he recommended visiting one of those high class hotel escorts so I can get the whole thing over and done with That's the right reaction Do you think that that would be a dumb idea or do you think that that would actually help out?
If you're concerned about losing your virginity stop saying psyched out and using the base system That's not fair It doesn't work with a girl if you're like Oh baby I'm on third right now But I really want to put it Come on Am I the only one who thinks he should fuck the whore?
Well I don't know if that's very sensitive to the night walking community That's what I'm saying I'm trying to be like Be my high powered classy escort sex positive empowered working woman Yeah He should fuck her He's only 20 20 is not that old for him to start worrying about plan C I think he's too desperate at too young of an age I agree When I was 20 I hadn't been to third base or second base I haven't even picked up the fucking bat yet I've done a lot of batting practice If you watch the full podcast here And you can see Pete on his new show October 28th on TBS after coding |
dropout | if_people_said_happy_birthday_like_they_do_on_facebook | Hey, happy birthday, Trap. Oh, thank you, Carrie. Oh no, it's Trap's birthday. I gotta tell him happy birthday in a cool and unique way. Happy birthday, dude. Fuck. God damn it, you took dude. Happy birthday, dude. It's so solid.
What else?
B-Day. A cool guy would say happy B-Day. Yeah, happy B-Day, Trap.
Oh, fuck. That sounded cool. Okay, Zach.
Collect yourself. Find something else. Just find something.
Hey, Trap. I Googled happy birthday, Trap, and this weird video is like the first thing that came up.
It's a real move. Everyone loved it. Classic Evan.
All right, relax. Just be cool, Zach. Weather jackets, sunglasses.
Happy birthday, Trap. Well, thank you. Fuck. She purposefully mispronounced birth. Maybe there's one for another herpes birdie, Trap. Great. Sam swoops in and kills him. Happy birthday, Trap. Don't celebrate too hard and drop your coat on my head. Oh my God. I totally forgot about that. I like when she wished you happy birthday.
No, nothing inside, Joe.
I'm sorry.
No, nothing inside, Joe. Fuck. Do you and Trap have an inside joke? No, of course not. You have nothing in common and you never hang out. Oh, come on, dude. It's do or die. If you don't say happy birthday in the perfect way, your life is fucking over. Wait. That's it.
Don't say anything. No one can judge you if you don't speak.
Phew. That was close. Done it again, cool, Zach. What? Birthday. Here's $15 to target. Okay. Uh, thank you. |
dropout | hardly_working_final_destination_part_3 | You know, I'm going to move past the obvious boner joke here and say we probably should have taken care of this last night. How'd you guys sleep?
Great, actually. I got like a solid 12, which is weird because I knew death was coming for me. Good.
Wait, we can't just stand around here and wait for death to claim us one by one. I mean, there has to be a better way. No one escapes death. Not in the end. They already took the body away, so you don't need to talk. You folks were supposed to die, and now death is back to balance the ledger. There's no escaping it.
Unless... We set a trap! What? We pop up a big box, right, beat it with some peanut butter, and then when death goes for the peanut butter as he's gonna, you know, PB, you pull the string, boom, trap him like a rat. No, look, death is owed five lives now, but who said it has to be your lives? Yeah, so you're saying we just need to find five people and kill them and they will take our place in death's design.
I was thinking maybe like squirrels or something fun. I love squirrels.
Whoa! Okay! He's mine! He's cool! Jesus! Whoa!
No! Okay, no! Please! No!
He's really tall! He's brilliant! I love squirrels.
Who's next? Ah! Buddy! Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy! Hey, Sam! Yeah?
Do you have a second? We want to see you outside. We have something we want to show you. Yeah, sure, just give me one minute.
Cash flow! Are we ready? We are dying out here and he's slivin' it up, all safe and sound. You ever see such a cold, hard bastard? I love you too, Dad! We don't say that enough!
One problem, this is nowhere near enough weight to do the deed. Eh, Sam's a little Cadbury Egg of a Man. It'll be fine.
Garbage! Please!
My delts stack masks like this in their sleep. If you guys want this done right, I'm going to need a little bit more pop up tap. Keep them coming.
Are you sure? Hey, Dad, why don't you cork it, okay? Murph's the psychic main character in this series. He's obviously going to be fine.
Did I say stop? Because I thought I said bring the thunder! Roger that. I'm stronger than my dad! Who said I wasn't? Nothing! Sorry I had to take that phone call, guys. What'd you want to show me? Ah! My cinder blocks! |
cracked | wonder_woman_s_weakness_will_make_you_uncomfortable | Wonder Woman is a badass superhero who recently made a huge comeback thanks to the new DC film where she kicked ass in World War I and won over a lot of fans who just wanted to see a lady superhero who's cool and different. However, before her movie, Wonder Woman had a really stupid weakness. You know, because every superhero has a weakness. Kryptonite, their own rage, the color yellow, whatever. Well, since Wonder Woman is a goddess with superhuman abilities and a cool truth-extracting whip, the creator had to make some kind of weakness so she didn't just win all the time.
Because that would be too wonderful, and it might be hard to continue the story if she was stronger than everyone she dealt with all the time. Also, Wonder Woman's creator, Dr. William Marston, was real into bondage. For real, like, super into it. And he thought, why not make Wonder Woman's weakness having her hands bound by a man? So, every time a man tied up her hands, she lost all her powers because penises and scrotums make ropes magic? And since a lot of her enemies happen to be men, this incredibly specific situation happened a lot. Then, on the flip side, if Wonder Woman's bracelets broke, she would rage out because nice girls don't break their bracelets or some bullshit.
Anyway, this dumbass weakness persisted as recently as the 70s. Let's just hope the future movies never include that stupid idea.
If you enjoyed this new video, click the little bell icon, and they will send you a notification every time you put up a new one. |
dropout | what_it_takes_to_wash_your_jeans | You wear them for a week straight. You drop tomato sauce on the thigh while eating ravioli at your coffee table. The butt starts to sag. You wear them for another three weeks straight. That pen you stole from that restaurant because you like the way it writes explodes when you sit down. The knees start to form little cups that are there even when your legs are straight.
You do three loads of laundry. You still don't wash your jeans, because obviously you're wearing your jeans. You get splashed by three buses worth of puddles. You attend a funeral and get ashes on your jeans. You probably shouldn't have been wearing jeans in the first place. Your friend tells a funny joke. You pee a little bit. Ain't no shame, but also ain't no wash. You accidentally throw your jeans in their hamper instead of on the floor when you're talking to your best friend about the weird funeral you went to with a cremation urn that didn't have a top on it. I mean, what is that a look at? You take your hamper to the laundromat. You wash your jeans.
I was abandoned in this office when I was 10 years old by my parents. I've only eaten pizza for such a long time. I think I have scurvy. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_david_spade_saturday_night_live | Thanks. people, there's an epidemic going around in the music industry that needs to be stopped. No, I'm not talking about chlamydia. but good guess. No, I'm talking about spending hard-earned money to go see your favorite band in concert, And they have the nerve not to sing, They're big hits. it happens more often than you think, and I feel I must speak up. for instance, six months ago, I went to see Bob Seeger. now, after two and a half hours, Mr. Seeger walked off the stage without singing Night Moves. that was pure balls, ladies and gentlemen. it made me want to throw like a rock at like his head. But it gets worse. Saw Men Without Hats. no safety Dance. pure balls. one hundred percent nuts. even Barney doesn't sing, I love you, you love me, live. true story. I was in the mosh pit thinking, hmm, if that's not pure nads,' I don't know what is. On second thought, I do know what is. when I was 22, I saw Big Country in concert, and guess what? they didn't even sing Big Country. why else are you on the planet's name? you're bad, hard to forget. huh? yeah. what? uh-huh. sometimes these old rockers like The Stones, Rod Stewart, will throw you a medley crumb. I get five bars of Brown Sugar and Tumbling Dice to make room for every song off the new album. by the way, when you're at a show and the band says, here's something from our new album, why don't they just say, everyone get up and go to the bathroom?
And any band that still includes a bass solo in their show. Pure balls. And while we're on the subject of testicles, remember when John Oates left Holland Oates? This was the same kind of thinking that had Fisher Stevens break up with Michelle Pfeiffer so he could get prettier girls. By the way, I went to see Oates in concert. he opened up for the Three-headed Lobster Boy at the Circus. It was a good show. they did a man-eater-slash-kiss-on-your-list medley together. it wasn't bad. So in closing, Kevin, closing, I'm going to see Laura Branigan tomorrow night at Madison Square Garden, and I have some advice for her. open and close with Gloria. do it a couple times in between, all right? Thank you very much. |
dropout | Which_Cartoons_Characters_Are_Invited_To_The_Cookout_Smartypants_Presentation_Demi_Adejuyigbe | What I want to talk to you about today is allyship. Mm-hmm. Just read that. Oh, come on, Demi.
I'm a white guy. I came here to laugh. I didn't come here to be confronted with my position in the racial hegemony.
Never said the word racial before. That's how good of an ally he is. Wow. He's never said the word racial.
He said Rachel. Rachel. Actually, I went to college with Rachel hegemony. Look, I know, I know.
I know it's not fun, but it's important. In these trying times, and no matter when you're watching this, I'm talking about right now. In these trying times, I think allyship is crucial, and I want everyone to have the ability to talk about it in a very real way, which is why I didn't want to do a comedic presentation today, and wanted to instead do a presentation on the cartoon characters that I believe are invited to the cookout.
Yes. Hey, Demi. It's me again, the white guy. What's the cookout? That's a great question. Please stop interrupting.
Now, the cookout, in a very literal sense, is a gathering place for black communities. In a proverbial sense, it's a place where black people and their allies can come together and share in a meal and talk about the issues plaguing our communities. If you hear the phrase, you're invited to the cookout, it's a good thing.
Congratulations. It means that you've done something worth celebrating. If you've never heard the phrase in your life, hmm.
First things first, I want to be clear, I'm not here to tell you what characters are racist, okay? As the cookout is a place for people of color, there are some cartoon characters who are simply going to be there because they just happen to be black. Characters like Piccolo.
Take one as a white Sicilian. Now that I've covered that and set a base, I want to talk about characters who are, in fact, invited to the cookout. Let me paint a picture for you real quick.
The year is 1987, all right? Ronald Reagan is president.
His policies are destroying marginalized communities, all right? Our music is considered dangerous. Our art is considered thuggish. And our language is considered brutish.
But who steps up to the plate and shows White America that that is not the truth? Bart Simpson. Wow. Yes. He raps, he does graffiti, and he has the wherewithal to stand up to authority and tell them they should not have a cow. Wow. That's right. That is why Bart's invited to the cookout. Another character coming to the cookout? Garfield.
Man loves lasagna and he hates Mondays. Why does he love lasagna so much? I think it's because it's the closest thing to soul food that this man and his white owner has ever enjoyed. I think he doesn't know what's out there. I think his mind will be blown by a green bean casserole.
Why does he hate Mondays so much? I think it's because he's an anti-capitalist king. I think he knows that labor affects marginalized communities more than anyone else. He wants to stop. I think that's why he's so upset.
I never thought of it like that. But now I see Garfield in a whole new light.
It's me, the white guy again. I haven't heard my own voice in a while. Please stop interrupting.
All right, next up we have Splinter. Oh. I mean, master Splinter. He found himself a nice place away from the hustle and bustle and racial inequities of New York City, and he opened up his house to four black teens. That's right. The Ninja Turtles are black. Raphael's mixed. Woody.
He's coming to the cookout. And you know why? Because he's not going to talk. He's going to sit his white ass down and listen. Chico. He's coming to the cookout. Simple reason why.
She's my wife. She drove me. Granny.
Coming to the cookout. She marched on Montgomery with MLK. There are photos, look it up. Squidward. Now he's invited to the cookout, but he's not going to come. Oh. And that's why he's invited to the cookout.
He doesn't want to come. Some people think it's because he's grumpy. I think it's because he knows his place and he doesn't want to intrude.
All he wants to do is sit at home and play jazz, black, and make art that people simply don't understand. Very black.
Now, the last person I think that's coming to invite to the cookout, the Cringe. A soul presence from white people. That's Praxis. However, there are a few cartoon characters who are not invited to the cookout, and I want to highlight these people because I believe that just because they're not invited doesn't mean that they can't change their ways.
First up, the Grinch. Why'd he give those presents back? He didn't need to do that. What he should have done is taken his ass on down to South Whoville and given those presents to some black Whovians who aren't going to hold hands and sing on some Farhudora shit about how they don't need new sneakers.
Next up, Waldo. Coming to Fran, where's Waldo? Where is Waldo? In times of war, where's Waldo?
People are dying in the streets.
Where the fuck is Waldo? I'll tell you where he is. Hiding on the goddamn beach somewhere. I can't find him.
What kind of ally is that? He should be loud. He should be proud. What he needs to do is march his ass down to a store and get some kente cloth.
Now, last up, this is going to be a controversial one. I don't think Spider-Man's invited to the cookout. I know, I know, I know. We'll just go ahead and wait this one. But hold up, Demi.
Spider-Man is black. At least Miles Morales' Spider-Man is. He's not my favorite of the Spider-Men because I can't relate to him as a white man, but I am still aware of him. Please stop interrupting. Now, I am aware that Miles Morales is a person of color, but if I'm in Spider-Man's world, I don't know who that is. I see a man saving the world with a mask. I don't know what race he is, which brings up an important thing that is probably complicated for Spider-Man is he has the responsibility of hiding his identity, but also that identity can do so many things for young people. So what is he to do? Well, I have a solution. Spider-Man needs to start saying the n-word.
Picture this. You're tied to a set of train tracks, all right? You see the train coming towards you. You're ready. You've made your peace with life. Spider-Man comes in. Thwip, thwip, thwip. He stops the train, slows it down, and he removes you from the tracks. He saves you. You've got a new lease on life. You're pushed off to the side. You're feeling great.
And you go, thank you so much, Spider-Man. And he turns to you and says, Hey, no problem. Now, you don't know what race Spider-Man is, but you're thinking, he must be black, right?
He better be.
And I think that's an experience that people of all races should have, which is why I believe Spider-Man has a responsibility to use all of the racial skills available to him. Oh, no. What does this card say? You've made a very good point, Demi. It's really made me think about what it means to be a good ally and how Spider-Man has not done enough to show his dedication to the marginalized. You know, I've always wanted to be Spider-Man myself. He was a hero to me growing up, and now that you've pointed out his flaws, I want to start making moves towards being Spider-Man in the responsible way, which means that I, too, need to say the N-word here in front of this audience full of people.
All right, here I go. Hey, hey!
That was not okay, and I'm hoping that the Dropout editors cut that out, that moment where he said it in front of all of us, just now. That was not okay.
Thank you so much for your time. Demi, that was an incredibly enlightening presentation. Thank you.
Is Shrek invited? Whoa. No. Oh!
Can I ask why? It feels weird to me that Donkey, black, was pissing him off so much, you know? What's that about? Earlier in the slide, I saw that you had categorized Piccolo as black. I hear that a lot, but that has never really been explained to me.
I think he's a good father. I think he's someone that's been stripped of identity in a way where he's found community in the people around him, which I think is very black, and I think a lot of black people relate to him as a character in Dragon Ball Z, mostly on vibes. Sometimes you see yourself represented and they're green, not Shrek.
If you had to invite a Looney Tune, who would it be? Taz. Oh, yeah. Taz. I love him. So now it's just people you like. Taz is going to kind of go crazy, right?
Will he or will he know his place and just simply, you know, restrain himself? A lot of faith in people knowing their place.
I don't know. Okay, here's the thing. It's vibes-based. Huh? It's vibes-based. Yeah. Taz was probably a problem child in school, which means he had ADHD. Oh.
And, you know, that's not really treated well in a marginalized community. That's really beautiful.
And it would be cool for him to see himself on so many t-shirts. Yeah, off of that. On so many t-shirts. Yeah, he'd be like, whoa, it's me and my boy Bugs on every t-shirt. On so many of my mom's t-shirts from Kmart.
What cartoons do you think are performative allies? Ooh. I think the Minions are going to post a black box with a caption that's like Bido and then a fist, and I'm like, I don't know. Banana. Banana, yeah. I will never understand, but Bido, I stand. I noticed there was a pretty glaring omission here. Uh-oh. Mickey and Minnie. Whoa. Yeah, well.
Not invited. Really? I, myself, personally, Demi DiGioibe, unaffiliated from Dropout, believe he's got a history that he's got an answer for, and it's been 100 years, and he's just, he's quiet. He's on some, oh, I don't know, oh, type shit. And I'm like, no. Can I add something?
Yes. I don't like his tone when he goes, oh, boy. What is he, who is he saying that to? Yeah, don't call me boy. Yes.
Okay, Demi, incredible job. Thank you so much for enlightening us. That was really great. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_streeter_seidell | I love history and my favorite kind of history is colonial history and my favorite thing in all of colonial history is the Second Amendment because I think it's crazy, but not because it gives you the right to own a gun. That I think is very understandable given the context of the time it was written. Like you had to hunt for your food back then. We were afraid of Indians, we were afraid of the British, which in and of itself is hysterical. Like here's this country full of these like rough frontiersmen living on the land and here's who they're afraid of. If you refuse to pay your tithe to the king, we will have no choice but to stop sending you tea.
Now, bring me a wig to wear on top of my other wig. Come, come, and he's talking to two little dogs who follow him everywhere. But I think the Second Amendment is so weird because it's the Second Amendment. It's the second thing they thought of. Like here, here are the best and brightest minds of a young nation all gathered together to lay out the laws and rules which will govern this land. And guns is almost the first thing that comes up. I have to imagine there was some like backwoods delegate from South Carolina just like pushing that one through. Like I just see James Madison addressing the Continental Congress and I'm gentleman, gentleman, gentleman, woman, similar, et cetera, et cetera.
So it's decided then all citizens of these United States shall have the right to speak freely. We shall call it the freedom of speech and it shall be a First Amendment.
Now, which issue should we tackle next? Guns! Perhaps freedom of religion. Guns! Maybe trades and tariffs. Then y'all watch out for a gun, man, you hear me, superman, hey! I gotta imagine they just like gave in at some point and were like, fine, fine, tell a detective that you can have a gun. Now, we have important matters to discuss.
What fraction of a human being should black people be? Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, in fits. Guys, thank you so much, thank you. |
cracked | why_weed_legalization_is_terrible_for_weed_smokers | 420, stay high all day, y'all. This is Adam Todd Brown, and I have a serious question. Should the federal government legalize marijuana? The majority of Americans say yes, and that's your first clue that it's a terrible idea. For one thing, weed is already legal enough if you live in one of the 20 states that allow it for medical use.
The other 30 will catch up eventually. If yours doesn't, move. It sounds like a terrible place.
I'm not saying we should outlaw weed altogether. I'm just saying legal at the state level for medicinal use is good enough, provided Obama stops kicking in dispensary doors, of course. He's already promised not to in Colorado and Washington, and those states let you smoke without pretending you have glaucoma.
That's gotta be a good sign, right? What if you're really healthy, though?
There's nothing medicinal about wanting to party. What good is medical marijuana if healthy people still have to buy from a high school sophomore at a White Castle drive-thru? If you don't have one of the conditions marijuana treats, then you're probably constructed for man-made materials. Weed will be of no use to you. As for everyone else, if you live in a medical marijuana state and can't find a doctor willing to prescribe it for some bullshit malady you don't have, then you just don't wanna get high, baby.
I can hear your objection right now. Hey, man, getting that card is a hassle. Why bother? Simple, because it won't be medicine anymore if you don't.
If you're smoking an eighth a day to treat your depression, is labeling marijuana the new beer really something you wanna get behind? Because that's definitely where we're headed. Marijuana, less harmful than alcohol, and time to treat it that way. Once that happens, you're not the person who treats their depression with weed anymore. You're the person who treats their depression with beer. Those people exist right now. We call them alcoholics. Oh, but won't it be great when weed really is the new beer?
Sure it would, but it's never gonna happen.
How many places can you smoke cigarettes right now? If you live in an apartment, you probably can't even smoke at home anymore. People hate the smell of cigarette smoke. If you think the smell of weed is any less offensive, you haven't spent enough time around a stone hood. The only thing worse is the smell of patchouli.
And another thing, once weed is legal at the federal level, those huge corporations we pretend to hate so much will be the first ones cashing in. From there, it's only a matter of time before some evil entity emerges as the Walmart of weed. And do you know who stays in business when Walmart comes to town?
Nobody.
If you're a small to medium-sized grow operation that's currently staying afloat on a bed of money earned through the quasi-legitimate medical marijuana trade, full-scale legalization is the last thing you should be hoping for. Because that legal gray area you operate in right now is the only thing keeping the man from crushing you. Why even give them the chance? Keep weed barely legal and keep your local marijuana farmer in business. Those dirty f***ing hippies deserve a shot at success just as much as the rest of us. Do the right thing, America, even though I know you won't.
What else? Huh? My name?
Adam, Adam Brown. Adam Todd Brown, 1D.
Yeah, we'll try again. Okay. That was great. Yeah, that was about it. |
dropout | if_the_floor_is_lava_became_reality_parody_movie_trailer | Hey I'm gonna go see what mom's making for dinner All right, I'll be careful My fellow Americans We are in the midst of a global crisis Seemingly normal ground is becoming magical and yet it retains its natural aesthetic For too long we took for granted that the floor underneath our feet wasn't hot lava This is the price for our hubris Mr. President these readings are off the charts. So what do we do? I don't know you don't happen to have a couch big enough to cover the whole world. Do you know but I know someone who might I Told him on the phone.
I don't make couches anymore. I gave that up Would you make a couch again if it meant? saving the world As is so often the case The fate of all living beings on this planet are now in the hands of a scientist and a couch maker Roger look the mom's doing laundry. They're immune to the lava. My god, you're right You may have just saved the world and stay off the floors Unless you're a mom doing laundry then apparently you're fine |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_russia_invades_ukraine_biden_nominates_ketanji_brown_jackson_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, this week, Russia began their invasion of Ukraine. President Putin launched the attack with support from allies like Belarus and Tucker Carlson. many analysts were surprised Putin went through with the invasion, even though it was obviously going to be a colossal mistake. but he couldn't back down after all that build-up. kind of like how Nbc still had to go through with airing the Winter Olympics. experts on Russian politics are saying that economic sanctions in the West will not deter Putin because his money is in non-traditional assets that are difficult to trace. So on top of everything else awful about Putin, he's also into crypto. after the invasion of Ukraine, the Russian stock market fell by 30% to negative 90%. this is a tough subject to make jokes about. I mean, in my lifetime, I've seen footage of attacks like this on other countries, but never a white one. I don't know very much about this whole situation, but I have a close friend who's Russian, and I asked her what she thought about it, and she said, Michael, you don't pay me to talk, baby. But I am very impressed by all the Ukrainian citizens signing up to defend their country, even the famous ones. imagine that here. If you ever read on the news, Michael Che has joined an American war. we have just lost that war. One of the first places Russian forces seized when invading Ukraine was Chernobyl, the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster, said Ukrainians, oh, no, don't take that. capturing Chernobyl is like landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein.
Now. Donald Trump, Great Transition. Donald Trump praised Vladimir Putin, moving troops into Ukraine, saying, this is genius. though this is genius is also how he sarcastically introduces Eric. Judge Kataji Brown Jackson, seen here getting tired of Y'alls foolishness, was nominated by President Biden to become the first Black woman on the Supreme Court. the nomination fulfills Biden's promise to change the subject. he clapped too early. Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week. weird, I thought interviewing black candidates was just for show, said the Nfl. a new book claims that while Donald Trump was President, White House staff routinely found wads of paper clogging the toilet.
So either he tried to flush classified documents or he eats the wrappers. In the days after New York Mayor Eric Adams announced a new plan to stop violence in the city's transit system, six people were stabbed on the Subway. And I think I speak for all New Yorkers. when I say, that sounds pretty low. It was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking Prince Andrew with a nursery rhyme, said Prince Andrew, ooh, nursery. Officials have posthumously stripped Medina Spirit of his Kentucky Derby victory for failing a post-race drug test. And I just want to say to Medina Spirit, I hope it's hot and horse hell, you cheating bastard. Medina Spirit sounds like a Tyler Perry character. a dog in California that went missing 12 years ago was found and returned to her owner after spending more than a decade living at Dave's taxidermy shop. a man in Iran went to the hospital after he got a Aa battery stuck inside his penis. it was Aa because that's the sound he makes when it goes in.
This year marks the 50th anniversary of one of Marvel Comics' first black superheroes, Luke Cage. In the comics, Luke Cage faces off against Black people's most powerful enemy of the 1970s, Lead Paint. police arrested twin sisters after they got mad at a restaurant worker and shot him in the face. this, according to Peacock's very dark reboot of Sister, Sister. this week, the Fda granted the first condom approved for anal sex. it took them this long because their wives would only let them test it on their birthdays. Do you get it? Researchers have observed a nearly 60-foot-tall rogue wave off the coast of British Columbia, which is the largest ever recorded. researchers believe the wave was generated when Yomama fell overboard. For weekend update, oops, all jokes. I'm Colin Joes. I'm Michael Jordan Knight. |
cracked | an_explanation_for_every_final_fantasy_mission_ever | Yeah, and you know the bitter irony of it is Eris or more technically Eryth He's the best healer in the game gets me every time. That's what's so great about this game though It's like ten polygons and I'm like weeping.
Why did you guys pop my arms? It's like watching Citizen Kane and asking why it's not in color.
She's dead. Why is she dead?
Damn it. This is not even the part that doesn't make sense yet Sephiroth just stabbed her literally seconds ago No, no, I saw that the Swishie sword which makes even less physical sense than yours What I'm saying is why can't you bring her back, you know, you've been bringing people back left and right the entire game Just go over and sprinkle Phoenix down on her just after Sephiroth stabs or just go sprinkle Phoenix down on her and poof She's alive. Yeah. Yeah, why not?
That sounds fantasy ish get your tired ass gripes back to a 1997 message board where they belong. No, I'm just saying like like earlier, you know You brought back the ghost of like a bunch of knights So it just seems like death isn't the end of the line in this universe next You're gonna tell me when Nanaki's dad Sato is turned to stone when he saves Cosmo Canyon I could have just gone to the item shop and gotten a soft and he'd have his dad back Instead of me crying like a fucking baby now. I'm gonna say that you make a very good argument guess yourself Revives and Phoenix downs only work when you're knocked out not dead. Okay, that is what happens when you lose a battle You're not dead. You're just unconscious It's when you guys got a fireball by that goatee man Your whole team like fell over in the woods far away from any possible aid.
That was you guys like what sleeping? Oh right now right now. What happened? The dragon? We just like blew up your plan that you're on What is that like a lullaby?
Hey guys, it's a fucking game, man. I don't know Another thing the town nibble time I'm gonna load up the save but only cuz I'm happy that you're showing an interest Okay, so spiky hair came back right, but he didn't tell boob girl, but then the whole town's on fire It's very simple five years ago Nibelheim burned down But then the Shinra corporation rebuilt the town and filled it with actors to cover up the tragedy Wait, so there's just a bunch of dudes acting there. Yeah, they're Shinra employees So his job that guy's job is to act out a normal life Like every day all day knowing full well that anybody else he meets is also acting It's like the Truman Show without Truman. Yeah, it's kind of weird man. You know if that was me I get a job, you know, I get paid to get paid you can get away with you know Like everybody in a town will come up to me like hey Why do you keep all the town horses and I'd be like, I don't know man. She's my character Character likes to that's what you would get away with why is that the The mayor or the boss or whatever in this town like at the meeting. What is he telling everybody? Looks good everybody Keep up the acting and stick to the script. You never know when someone might come to our town Yes, that is exactly what he tells them. God, man.
You don't know about video games Well, I just hope we find out if spiky hair is a clone, you know and and how his false memories were created so far I'm thinking it was at the hands of the corruption Company in their quest to use setchers as conduits to get to the promised land to rate it for makeup and Chocobos, they're like like gay birds or whatever, right? You can't rate it, but it's good. Trust me Hey everyone on YouTube land, make sure you click All the buttons around you to subscribe to crack comms you just click the one that says subscribe on it It'll be here about Hopefully and you'll Find a bunch of videos and maybe find out what the hell I'm doing here This is a rich location with a lot of stories subscribe and find out What I'm doing here. Why am I holding this book? Technically arith is the best healer in the game gets me every time that's what's so great about this game though It's like 10 polygons and I'm like weeping. Why did you guys pop my arms? It's like watching citizen Kane and asking why it's not in color.
She's dead. Why is she dead?
Damn it This is not even the part that doesn't make sense yet Sephiroth. Just stabbed her literally seconds ago No, no, I saw that the Swishie sword which makes even less physical sense than yours What I'm saying is why can't you bring her back? You know, you've been bringing people back left and right the entire game just go over and sprinkle Phoenix down on her just after Sephiroth stabs or just go sprinkle Phoenix down on her and poof. She's alive. Yeah Yeah, why not? That sounds fantasy It's get your tired ass gripes back to a 1997 message board where they belong No, no, I'm just saying like like earlier, you know, you brought back the ghost of like a bunch of knights So it just seems like death isn't the end of the line in this universe Next you're gonna tell me when the Naki's dad Seito is turned to stone when he saves Cosmo Canyon I could have just gone to the item shop and gotten a soft and he'd have his dad back instead of me crying like a Baby now I'm gonna say that you make a very good argument against yourself Revives and Phoenix downs only work when you're knocked out not dead.
Okay, that is what happens when you lose a battle You're not dead. You're just unconscious So when you guys got fireball by that go team and your whole team like fell over in the woods far away from any Possible aid that was you guys like what sleeping? Oh right now right now. What happened the dragon We just like blew up your plan that you're on. What is that like a lullaby?
Hey guys, it's a game, man I don't know another thing the town nibble time I'm gonna load up the save but only cuz I'm happy that you're showing an interest Okay, so spiky hair came back right, but he didn't tell boob girl, but then the whole town's on fire It's very simple five years ago nibbleheim burned down But then the Shinra corporation rebuilt the town and filled it with actors to cover up the tragedy Which there's just a bunch of dudes acting there. Yeah, they're Shinra employees So his job that guy's job is to act out a normal life like every day all day Knowing full well that anybody else he meets is also acting. It's like the Truman Show without Truman Yeah, it's kind of weird man. You know if that was me I get a job You know I get paid to get paid you can get away with you know like everybody in town will come up to me like hey Why do you keep all the town horses and I'd be like I don't know man. It's my character Why are two likes to ask what you would get away with why is that the example the mayor or the boss or whatever in this? Town like at the meeting. What is he telling everybody looks good everybody remember keep up the acting and stick to the script You never know when someone might come to our town Yes, that is exactly what he tells them God, man. You don't know shit about video games Well, I just hope we find out if spiky hair is a clone You know and and how his false memories were created so far I'm thinking it was at the hands of the corruption company in their quest to use setches as conduits to get to the promised land to rate it for makeup and Chocobos, they're like like gay birds or whatever right you can't rate it, but it's good trust me Hey everyone on YouTube land make sure you click All the buttons around you to subscribe to crack comms you just click the one that says subscribe on it It'll be here about hopefully and you'll Find a bunch of videos and maybe find out what the hell I'm doing here This is a rich location with a lot of stories subscribe and find out What I'm doing here. Why am I holding this book? |
ClickHole | here_s_the_perfect_recipe_for_a_healthy_20_minute_dinner | Hey guys, Mike here. Today we're going to be looking at an easy 20 minute recipe that you yourself can make at home. The best part for all you health nuts out there, this is totally healthy too. So, all you need is a basic cooking pot, one pan, one can of low sodium tomato sauce, some cumin, one pound of whole wheat spaghetti, a rare Galapagos turtle found only in the San Diego Zoo, one half cup of diced carrots, and some crushed red pepper for taste. Alright, let's get started. Okay, first, boil your spaghetti according to the instructions on the packet. Then, put the diced carrots into the tomato sauce, and put the pan on medium heat so you aren't burning the sauce.
Now, while that's cooking, you'll want to drive a van to the San Diego Zoo between the hours of 3 AM and 4 AM. Enter through the south entrance, that's really the best entrance if you want to avoid security, and use a basic double pulley to hoist the tortoise into your van. Because you're there so late, you shouldn't be bothered by security, but if you are, you can tase them and you'll be fine. I personally carry a basic 200,000 volt stun gun, but really any industrial grade taser should do.
Alright, so then, you can drive back home. A lot of people say you should have a temperature controlled van to make sure the tortoise survives the trip back to your house, but honestly, it doesn't actually really matter if it dies at that point. I'm actually going to go get my tortoise right now, so I'll be right back. Alright, great. So, I got my tortoise and I should be good to go.
So, at this point, the sauce and spaghetti should be done so we can mix in our pepper. Now, I like to go a little wild with the crushed red pepper, but that's just me. Well, now that the spaghetti and sauce is done, you'll want to lure the tortoise's head out with a stick, cut its head off with a butcher knife, and de-shell the rest using a boning knife, and then boil the meat. So, let's do that. Okay, that's done. Now, you can add the sauce to the pasta and then add the turtle meat on top of the spaghetti and it's good to go.
There you have it. One easy, super healthy recipe. Enjoy! . |
dropout | pov_bathroom | Gotta get a poop, gotta get a poop. Where's the bathroom in this joint anyway? Aha! Now I really gotta poop. It's like my butt knows it's near a toilet.
Gah! I have some decency, you old weirdo. Oh come on, they can't all be full. Let's investigate further. That's a no, and door number two. Oh no, eye contact. I feel like we just molested each other. Bingo!
No time for a toilet seat cover. Ah, the seat's kinda warm.
Wait, is that nice or is that gross? It's so gross.
Oh no no no no, the lock on the door's broken.
Okay, well there's already poop coming out of my butt, so it's too late to switch stalls. Damage control. I guess I'll be holding this for the rest of the poop. You know what, I'm surprised I never poop on my balls.
I mean, they're right there. But it never happens. The human body's full of wonders.
Hi! Huh? Jason! Get back here! Oh thank god, it's Mom. Hey, I'm sorry about that. Ah, weird.
Might as well finish out these turds with some Angry Birds. And done. But I still have three pigs left to damage on more poop.
A single ply? Really? You'd think a family chain restaurant would have more respect for their customers' buttholes. I mean, you can't give me ten alarm chilis and then expect me to mop it up with this. Oh, whatever. What? How's that even possible?
Oh, it's totally possible. Alright, great. Now I'm gonna have to James Bond it. Now the coast is clear.
Now to sneak over to the next stall without anyone seeing me. And... Ah! Have some decency, you young deviant. |
SaturdayNightLive | publishers_clearing_house_giveaway_saturday_night_live | Super Sunday excitement continues with the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol. We're here, live in Brooklyn, New York at the Tompkins Housing Projects to surprise someone with 10 million dollars. Mr. James Stapleton, we're from Publishers Clearing House. you've just won 10 million dollars. Who the hell is? Publishers Clearing House. Publishers What? Publishers Clearing House, you just won 10 million dollars.
Look at him man, we don't own nobody. 10 million, nothing. all I see is a bunch of white faces and I got a whole herd of crazy niggas in here. so I suggest you vacate the premises and take these lanes with you. no weapons, please. we don't want to hurt you. we're the Publishers Clearing House. you know, the magazines. the magazines? like Ebony House? Look, we don't get that no more.
Sir, you're our grand prize winner. Miss, you better get away from my dope or I'll stomp a prize-winning mud hole in your head. Who you guys can't talk to with Jimmy? my father-in-law, he's talking about. We done ordered some magazines and I told you we ordered all that mess. Mrs. Stapleton, you're our 10 million dollar winner. Now don't joke like that, you understand? Ma'am, this is no joke. you've won. we won? Oh lord, we won! You won? son of a bitch, come on in here. come on in here. y'all hungry? let me get the kids to make y'all some weenies. let's let y'all go. Oh god. is this your family? no, these my husband's people's.
Oh, hey fellas, how's the card game going? y'all wanna play some bean whisk? don't nobody gonna play no cards with you, Jimmy. y'all come on, let me take you on the tour of our place. come on over here. Now this over here is my oldest baby's room. he in there right now with a classmate studying for one of his college projects. Oh my goodness. good Lord. hey, what's up mommy? hold this baby for me. God, no, that's it. I'm sticking you with these bitches. Oh man. hey, what's up?
I want to give a shout out to my cousin Ray Ray's cell block d Boy. Darnell, your parents have just won ten million dollars and we'd like to present you with this check.
Hold up, hold up, hold up. you don't present him with nothing. Plus, we want cash. that looks like a big ass food stamp. Yeah. I assure you it's not a big ass food stamp.
Say Darnell, why don't you squeeze in between your parents so we can get a photo. Hold up, hold up. bring that juggle in. come on in there now. hold it, hold it. hold it. hold it. Straight everybody, say cheese. hold up, hold up, hold up. this ain't no family picture without puff puff. Come on, puff puff, come on.
Oh God, no. Oh God. since you hooked us up, first thing we're going to do is hook you up with a new arm with some electrolysis here. This is horrible. you too can be a lucky winner, so send your entry today. |
dropout | yoshi | Hey Gary, what's shaking? Nothing much Leo, I see you got a new segway. Huh? Yeah, this old thing? Got it a couple days ago. That's great. Mm-hmm. Totally quiet, comfortable, beats driving a car, you should think about getting one if you can afford it. Yeah, maybe someday Leo. What the hell is that thing?
This is my Yoshi. It's a P.D.T., personal transport dinosaur. Completely domesticated.
Oh, right, yeah, I knew that, I just didn't know you could get him in the United States. Well, they're very rare, had special order from Yoshi's Island. They breed it to your liking, you pick the color and everything, they send you an egg in the mail.
Right, right. See you later guys. So is that thing electric, or? That thing just ate Kevin. Yeah, Yoshi loves to eat my enemies. Enemies? Yeah, you remember Kevin hit on my wife at the Christmas party last year? Right. He goes all about that, don't you, Yoshi? Oh.
Well, it must get awful messy having to clean up after a dinosaur. No, actually it just poops out eggs, then you can sell the eggs, turn a little profit.
Bet your segue can't do that. Anyway, I better get going. Look, wait a sec. Look, I'm having a party this weekend for everybody from the office, it'd be great if you could come.
Bring Yoshi even. Oh, you don't live in a castle, do you? Yoshi can't go in those. No, just a house.
Great. Well, I'll see you Saturday. I fell off. |
cracked | the_horrifying_dark_side_of_space_travel_that_movies_ignore_starship_icarus_episode_2 | But why do you guys know all this stuff? Weren't you just in cryo sleep too? Now the ship just woke you up last. Didn't need a thing for you till now and guess you lucky son of a ape. Just trying to take a personally beep.
That's bad for your species, right? Please remove obstruction. Don't know. Everything on this deck is garbage. Speaking of which. Lunch is ready. Why did that happen? Because you don't exist yet. I gotta refresh the server so the shape will recognize your bio signature. But there's tickets, the whole thing and other stuff, excuses and so forth. Oh hey, looks like we finally managed to condense the flavor and nutrition of an entire meal into just one pill. That's terrible.
In the distant future, the starship Icarus is dispatched to seek out strange new life and adventure. This is the story of the low-level support crew who maintained it. So now word is we are not leaving till and lack until we complete a diplomatic outreach sortie on the planet's surface. Earth orders. I'm not gonna lie. The T'yakians have been genetically engineering themselves into unspeakable horrors of war for generations. The first scout we sent to the surface was found in so many pieces.
I couldn't get a teleporter lock on the corpse. Honestly, I don't know if anyone will come back alive.
Of course, we'll all be on the ship. Far from danger while Commander Spacefire leads the away team. So take your time with lunch, I guess is what I came in to say. Why would the captain go himself? Hey, if he dies, we all move up a rank.
Really? Totally not how it works. Sorry to interrupt. Cody, please, there is an area for that. It's electric. Plus, I'm jarring we have to do this. Is that even true? If you don't know, you're racist.
Anyway, good news everyone. Since we will be out of warp during the mission, we are back in contact with the mail servers on Earth. Okay, everyone, just take a few minutes to catch up and then we have to go clean the observation deck. From when the commander fought his evil twins. Let's see what we got here. And deleted.
Suck on a big fat extinct house cat, those who care about me. Wow. Hey, casual disdain is how my species shows love. You dog dick. My mom got me cookie credits for the replicator. Can I beam down and get her picture of me slaying a mutant whore?
Oh, I'll look into it, but no. Why can't I connect to mine? You don't exist. No credentials. Yeah, but couldn't you- Would, but it's a holiday for my species.
Fligsbrin, Korman, Bernden. Fligsbrin, Korman, Bernden was last month and you know it.
Fine, fine. Quicky clooky clue and there. Gave you a temp login until I can get your bioseg on the server. Mail away. I have over 130,000 messages. Am I famous back on Earth now? Does anyone know? That's only like 15 messages a day.
Well, for an astronaut, you're pretty bad at math. I've only been away for two months. Frozen for two months. By Earth's time, 20 years.
You know that, right? You've never heard of time dilation? Zellb's theory of relativity? He's our Einstein?
Okay, to be fair, it is in very small print on the brochure. Oh, so small.
When you're traveling faster than the speed of light, time moves slower on the ship than it does on Earth. My old ship, we used to take bets on who got more mail from dead people.
You all knew? Why did you sign up for this? I don't know.
Maybe because my destiny lies among the stars. I'm getting sued back on Earth, and I figured that this would be a good way to, you know, run out the clock. I'm waiting for a new generation of human women to mature. I've pretty much been through the existing pool already, if you know what I mean. Did you just claim to have had sex with all seven billion women on Earth? Let's just say I've sampled enough to get a statistically representative idea.
My wife! Probably. What'd she look like? She remarried.
And my baby daughter's in college now. College? You must be a good dad.
What does the world even look like anymore? You know? Are there zombies now? When I go back, I'm going to have to shoot my zombie daughter in the head.
Okay, okay. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Let me H-R-U. Okay, that's nice. Six years.
I guess I wish I knew what was happening back on Earth. Okay, well, what do you want to know? I'll scan a news payment module for you. We... I thought we could only get mail. Right, but I'm at home on Earth. I can just load one up for you. I don't understand. You're on Earth? Well, you didn't even skim the brochure, did you?
All H-R reps on board Icarus are avatars. This is a cloned human body that I'm controlling from Earth. My real body's at my apartment in Omaha in a vat of psychoactive amplification gel.
Well, I don't understand. Does that make you 20 years older than when I met you? Naked? In that?
I am just a technician. The Ava who checked you into cryo sleep, like myself, was an employee of the H-R wing of ERF 20 years ago. We have all been trained to provide as seamless of an experience as possible. I have all your names on sticky notes. And yes, you have to be naked or else the gel doesn't work.
So, uh, how are things going there? Is there any apocalypse or anything? Oh, no, no, no. The only big thing is that about 10 years ago or so, scientists discovered that all the old Disney movies contain alien messages in a language we don't understand.
The past decade has been a nonstop public orgy, but that's done. Everyone is Mormons now.
Wow. This is not helpful. Really? Oh, I think it's amazing.
I just realized why everyone who works on this ship is insane. The only people who would agree to do this job are anti-social losers and megalomaniacs with nothing to lose. And people who sign things without reading the fine print.
Okay, gotta go. I'm retiring this week and honestly, I've just been coasting.
Ava, are you... You just... You don't stick this body in a cubby or something? Anyone could just...
Everyone moved on without me. Everything I know is irrelevant.
Yeah. Yeah, I saw you look pretty shaken up when you freaked the fox out over there. So, I did a little whatevering and anyway, your signature's on record. The door should open for you. The works. Thank you. Don't. Helpfulness is how my species shows we hate you. Oh, okay. You got a little something.
Okay, um, the commander is back aboard after averting war by teaching the alien empress love. So good. If you know what I mean. Commander is a funny guy. Alright, now let's scrub some viscera off with some bulkheads, huh? You gonna eat that? She's kind of the perfect woman, right? Controlled remotely by someone who doesn't remember any of the things I do and whose job it is to be nice to me. What about your wife? It's been 20 years, man. Move on. Just trying to help. It's good. You gotta get such a zet. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_will_smith_and_chris_rock_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Shain. Thank you. good evening, everyone. Welcome, weekend Update. I'm Michael Shain. I'm Colin Jost.
Intelligence officials are saying that Vladimir Putin is being misinformed by his advisers about how badly the Russian military is performing in Ukraine, which is kind of like Will Smith's agent telling him, you crushed it at the Oscars. Will Smith, for those of you who don't know, walked on stage during the Academy Awards and slapped Chris Rock after he made a joke about Jada Pinkett Smith, which I think was a disgraceful act that sets a terrible precedent for having to defend your wife at award shows. during his acceptance speech, Will Smith said, love will make you do crazy things.
You know what else makes you do crazy things? Crazy.
But I understand where Will's coming from. I mean, you can't expect him to sit there and watch another man jump all over his wife without signing an Nda. Yesterday, Will Smith resigned from the Academy of Motion Pictures, Arts and Sciences. he wasn't going to, but then Jada gave him that look. If Will Smith had been expelled, he would have joined a small group of people kicked out of the Academy, including Bill Cosby, Roman Polanski and Harvey Weinstein. or, as they're also known, Bad Boys for Life. Can we stop pretending Everybody knew Jada had alopecia? I mean, as much as we heard about Jada and Will's personal lives, you can't expect us to retain everything. it's like Kanye saying, don't act like y'all ain't know I had psoriasis. just selfishly, as a comedian, I'm tired of people putting their own insecurities on our joke intentions.
I mean, I can't make a joke about it being cold outside without somebody yelling back, stop making fun of my small penis. Keep my small penis. go ahead, I'm sorry. no, please.
I also really love that the reason they let Will Smith stay in the audience was that they asked Chris Rock and he said it was okay. So now we just ask the victim right after they get hit in the head. hey, you cool if the guy who just attacked you hangs around for a while? you don't want to make him mad again. I can't believe the Academy has a worse concussion protocol than the Nfl. Honestly, I can't even blame the Academy for not knowing what to do. nobody knew what to do. even people at the Oscars were googling, did Will Smith just slap Chris Rock? I think we should just acknowledge that that was one of the craziest things we will ever see in our lives. it's truly like the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction, but if Janet's nipple slapped Timberlake. Not to mention, Chris Rock has been very public about his nonverbal learning disorder, which means it's hard for him to understand nonverbal signals. sort of like how when he saw an angry Will Smith charging towards him and instead of moving out of the way, he put both his hands behind his back, smiled and said, uh-oh.
And in non-oscars news, Republican Congressman Madison Cawthorn, who's the one on the right, said in a recent interview that 70-year-old republicans invited him to an orgy and did cocaine in front of him. Wait, so you went to the old man orgy? and you thought the weird part was drugs? Senator Lindsey Graham, seen here picturing the orgy Madison Cawthorn, said that Kentucky Brown Jackson is a person of exceptionally good character, but he would not support her for the Supreme Court.
So, like many Southern gentlemen, he's comfortable with black folks until they try to move in next door. U.s. officials are concerned. U.s. officials are concerned that Vladimir Putin is keeping military units positioned near Kiev despite earlier promises to withdraw. Putin's failure to pull out has earned him the nickname Nick Cannon.
Thank you. |
TheOnion | Today_Now_Boy_Finds_Own_Real_Life_E_T_ | Remember the movie E.T.? We all love that movie, right? The little kid who befriends an alien from outer space. Love that movie. Well, today we have a young man right here in our studio who actually found his own E.T. while he was on vacation with his family.
Say hello to 11-year-old Thomas Deming from Duluth, Minnesota and his magical friend. Hi, Thomas. Hello. Good morning.
This is such an exciting story. How did you find this little guy? Well, I heard some noises in the bushes. Right? So I went out to see what it was and I just found him. A wrinkled, hunched up little brown E.T. He was so lost and confused and it was talking really fast in its space language, like beep boop bop beep. I just knew I had to help him. Oh, that is so sweet.
So you snuck it back home and you hid it in your closet for how long? Three weeks. I fed it Reese's Pieces so it wouldn't get hungry. Good thinking.
Wow.
Oh, I wish I could understand you, little buddy. Thomas, your parents had no idea you had this little guy hidden away under your sweaters. Yeah, but one day my dad heard him making these crying sounds. I think maybe that's how it breathes because it cries all the time. Were you worried then that your parents might make you send it back to its home planet?
Yeah, but then I showed them how I taught it some English. Oh, cool. They were really impressed. Oh! Do you want to hear some English? Sure, absolutely. E.T., English. English.
Phone home. Oh, look at that! Phone home, just like in the movie!
Oh, that's terrific. That's wonderful.
Mi familia de bendestan, otro cupados con me. I wish he could talk people language more than just phone home, though I don't understand.
Dad says they have to hide it, so if I take it outside, I always put it in my dad's clothes so it looks like a little old me. What a great idea, yeah. I think you brought a photo with you, too. Oh, how cute!
Yeah, me, too, was supposed to make my bike fly, but it didn't, so it fell off. I was really breathing really hard after that happened.
Oh, he's doing the finger thing! He's doing the finger thing!
Have some more of your Reese's Pieces. Oh, good idea. Of course! You've got him so well-trained. That's great. Reese's Pieces and... Thomas, what's he doing now? Oh, look at that. He's been doing that a lot lately.
I think it's how it communicates with its home world. You know, Thomas, it must be just a tremendous responsibility to be taking care of your own E.T. all by your young self, right? Yeah, I guess. Maybe it would be a better idea if someone took care of it for you, and then you wouldn't have to worry anymore. What do you think? And we've got friends here at Today Now, Thomas, that would like to come and just have a little chat with your E.T. All they're gonna do is just ask us some questions.
No, no!
Thomas, have a seat, have a seat. Well, I guess we all learned a very valuable lesson about friendship today, didn't we? And stay with us, because coming up after the break, we're gonna ask the important question, do our dogs know enough about our founding fathers? |
TheOnion | Worst_Things_You_Can_Say_To_A_Bartender_On_St_Patrick_s_Day_reddit_askreddit_viral_question | Bartenders, what's the worst thing a customer can say to you on St. Patrick's Day? The Guinness has gone bad. Can I have a refund? Buddy, that's just how it tastes. When someone asks what kind of cabbage we have on tap, it's like, it's right there. Just read the menu. Customers always ask if we take Amex, as if they don't know that authentic Irish pubs only accept shillings retrieved from a small leather pouch hidden in one's boot. Another round of corned beef, and keep em coming. Sir, we have a strict 3 beef limit per customer and I'd say you look like you've already had enough. Call customers.
You are not required to inform your bartender that you are a registered sex offender. Just your neighbours. Please stop. Every year someone comes up just to tell me that the whole story about St. Patrick driving the snake out of Ireland is actually just an allegory and that snakes never existed in the country and that they are about to throw up on me. Viva la revolucion. Wrong country, chap. |
dropout | hardly_working_breaking_bad | Hey sir, are you all caught up on Breaking Bad? Well, I just finished- Are you all caught up on Breaking Bad?
Bitch! Oh my god, Josh, you've been doing this Jesse impression for like two weeks. It's so annoying. Yeah, I mean, it's a good impression, but you seriously need to chill out. It's getting weird. Okay, sorry, uh, I guess I'll just do an impression of, uh, my fist going in your face! Bitch! Okay, Josh, why are you just being offensive? Whatever, bitch.
I don't know if I like this draft or not. Yo, uh, you wanna buy some crystal? No?
I'm- I'm good. Uh, street or deal? Yeah, I'm good.
Don't waste my time, bitch! I got the blue shit after you got the cheddar!
Let's go! Okay, we're- we're working right now.
Don't make me do this, Gil.
Is that a real- is that a real gun? Uh, do you have a second? Yeah! Wait, wait, hey.
So obviously this has gotten a little out of control. It's like he's become Jesse.
I mean, the other day he invited several crack whores to the office. Crack whores.
Alright, guys. Don't worry about it. I have a plan. Jesse. It's me, Walt. Mr. White? Listen.
I'm actually looking for someone. I'm looking for a guy, a funny guy, who's Harry, his name is Josh, he likes to dress up and play kooky characters.
Look, uh, I don't know what you're, uh, what you're trying to do here, but- No, let's not beat around the bush, Walt. Okay, I don't know what you're doing here, but this Jesse impression needs to stop. Hey, look, uh, I don't, uh, I don't know what you're trying to do, but, uh, but it's not cool, bitch!
You're a pussy, Josh. You need to stop acting like Jesse and start acting like yourself. Yeah, and like everyone knows that I'm Jesse and you're Josh. If they were two Jessies, that would be like really confusing, bitch! Ahem. I'm Hank. Marie. Listen to me, Josh. You need to apply yourself.
I'm sorry, guys. I just, uh, I love Breaking Bad so much, ever since season four ended I just don't know what to do with myself. Just got caught up in your own little world and didn't realize that we all missed the real you. Yeah, I guess, uh, I guess I really learned my lesson today, huh?
So, uh, no more Jesse impression? No more Jesse impression.
Oh, my God. |
dropout | Offbeat_Roommates_and_Wedding_Dates_Ep_3_Pt_1_The_Unsleeping_City | Guys, this is Brennan from College Humor. I'm in the CH offices right now.
And as you can see, they're totally abandoned.
This is a possible future that could come to pass if you don't sign up and subscribe for Dimension 20 Show on YouTube and hit that bell to get notifications for all the exclusive new D20 content we're going to put only on that channel. They're coming. Avoid this future. Sign up for Dimension 20 Show right now and hit that bell. I'm gonna shit myself. We descend into Times Square with this strange, icy fortress. Can I just heave that shit off me?
Boom. You fling the entire crayon.
You leap the entire chrysalis off into Sky Park.
Oh is that Santa? Santa! Ah, it's crushing me! Hang on Santa, I'm coming to get you.
You leap up and fully decapitate the entire- Holy moly. Holy- What the fuck happened to you? Slay. Where's my slay?
Still in the park. You guys arrive in Central Park, a full centaur, He walks up, any idea what happened here?
I saw some pixie stuff around here. Maybe it was somebody trying to cover up and make it look like it was pixies? Because underneath it was infernal.
It's gone. It was gone, Sam.
My list. How powerful is this list? It's extremely important that we find this list and get it back.
I will say that there has been this dark force inviting me. That sounds like something you all should check out. Welcome back, one and all, to the Unsleeping City. My name is Brennan Lee Mulligan.
These are our intrepid heroes. Say hi, intrepid heroes. Hi, intrepid heroes!
The last we left them off, they were near the promenade in Central Park in a version of New York with magic around every corner indeed. But we have gotten our first taste of the Unsleeping City.
Santa Claus' sleigh has just been flown away by jolly old Saint Nick himself and his eight tiny reindeer. Bye, Santa, we love you. And the cops who perceived it as a Toyota camera being towed away due to the strange umbral arcana that prevents New Yorkers from noticing pretty much anything weird happening had now begun to disband. You guys see Officer Epona Cirillo, a centaur cop, has entered now this piece of Santa's dashboard with this strange fey rune with some infernal underneath it.
She's taking that to enter it into evidence. The wind kicks up, a little bit of snow flies around. You six companions bedraggled by some combat, but all standing at this point, now stand here in snowy Central Park as the crowd kind of chatters and talks to each other about this crazy car crash. Can you believe this? Some drunk driver must have taken a car right into the tree, man, I tell you. You are left with each other, snow whipping around you on a cold, brisk New York day. Late in the afternoon, Pete, you feel that sweet peppermint tooth still in your head. Look around, Sofia, you now see this centaur walking away that a mere three days ago would have just looked like a horse cop to you. And the rest of these denizens of the Unsleeping City, you guys all know that something very strange indeed has happened.
What do you guys wanna do? Hey, Pete, let me see your old tooth there.
Uh, like my, should I just rip it out? I don't want this in my mouth. It's gonna rot my teeth. Nobody needs to be ripping teeth out, all right? Let's have a vote, I say he ripped it out. I agree with Kug. Okay, I don't like any of this. As the trained medical professional here, nobody is ripping teeth out of nobody's mouth.
Truthfully, I just said it because it sounded fine. You know what, ultimately, Pete, it's up to you. I can't be missing a tooth and selling drugs, you know, that's too deep. Probably shouldn't be doing either, yeah. These days, people hold drugs to a very high standard. I'm gonna leave the tooth in and keep selling. Can I look at it very closely? Yeah. Okay, I pry open his mouth and look in.
The dirtiest rat fingers of all time. I mean, Kugrash, you're supposed to wear gloves or something, man. It's fine, it's fine. You know, you go camping, you're touching the dirt and you're sleeping, you do whatever, who cares? You touch the dirt? I camp every night, I live in the subway station. Don't worry, I've eaten so many sandwiches from his dirty hands. Kugrash, what are you rolling right now?
Like a medicine check, maybe? Yeah, go for it. Cool. Ooh, 23. Yeah, absolutely, well, you take a look.
The Peppermint Tooth, it seems that Kingston's vaccine that he put in there earlier has fully stopped this transformation, but it looks, this shouldn't be here. Kingston's medicine should have reverted this tooth back to regular bone.
Something about the intrinsic nature of Pete's DNA or maybe even something more profound and spiritual than that is keeping this Peppermint Tooth here, and though it tastes sweet, you don't see it corroding, you don't see the saliva eating away at it at all. It looks, if you had to guess, you had a very good roll. If you had to guess, the tooth is there because it wants to be, and something about Pete means it's more fun if it's there than if it's not. Hmm, I mean, it's fine, yeah, it's fine. Just the Peppermint Tooth. All right, good, it's fine. I know you got a peppermint tooth. Here's some multivitamins, if you wanna just take one if you're worried about some because I'm kinda new to this, magic is just real.
Yeah, I actually wanna check in with you two. Are you guys doing okay? You guys woke up this morning and you wanna talk to me? I would love to just run and get dumplings with Kingston if we have time. You wanna go grab some coffee real quick? Hey, we're gonna go grab some coffee for everyone. Do we wanna meet, do we wanna head somewhere? Do we wanna go talk to Alejandro at the Gramercy Occult Society, maybe let him know what's going on with all the information we just got?
Yeah. That's not a bad idea. Yeah, you guys can walk ahead. Maybe someone could just refresh me on what you guys talk about. Yeah, I mean, I wasn't gonna do it this publicly, but you know what, it happens. So I kinda, I don't really know if I jive with any of you but Kingston, I feel like I trust you. Darling. I got some questions. Here's the deal, magic is real and you get to see it. Isn't that great? Let's go get some coffee. It's so fun.
Will you talk to her? I'll talk to her.
As you guys head off, you see that the actual natural movements of the crowd as you get towards Columbus Circle and start walking, it's not too far of a walk from here to the Bryant Park and the public library there. So you guys head off. The crowd naturally moves around Kingston and creates a little pocket of privacy. You guys stop. You have never in your life seen a dumpling cart in New York, but you go up and you see that there's a guy standing there who looks around for a second and goes, hey, Kingston Brown!
Hey, Ricky, good to see you, man. How are you? How's it going? I appreciate it. Good to see you, man. You're looking fit. You're looking good.
Hey, I like the mustache. Is that new? It's very new. My girlfriend, she like the wax on the mustache.
Okay, I see that. She said she want the Pringles guy, so what you can do, huh? Hey, that's her business, right? Hey, it's my business now, too. You know how it goes.
Hey, my friend's trying to cut a couple of dumplings. Can you look it up? Yeah, can I get some hot and sour pork dumplings? Oh, sure you want some hot and sour pork. He reaches in, throws some dumplings.
You get these little plastic containers. It smells so good. He gives you these huge heaping containers. You get these little spoons that go in them.
I'm rolling a blunt. I'm not about to eat this sober. Okay.
My name's Ricky, too. Oh, Ricky! You named Ricky as well?
Nice to meet you, man. Here, and you see he says, hold out your hand. Hot, wet dumpling, right there. Thanks. You see he puts these in there. You immediately eat this dumpling.
You regain, it's been about a short rest amount of time, but you do regain five hit points from eating this. Kingston, I'm not sure if you're a fool or not, but you regain five hit points as well.
You guys walk away from the dumpling cart chowing down on these bad boys. They are so tasty and delicious. I'm smoking and eating, so I'm kind of just like, like almost like drinking the dumpling. So you're full, like you'd have to hork down an uncheared dumpling and smoke this spliff in the middle. Oh, it's blueberry. I should have just picked a natural roll.
Yeah, so you guys have a weird little amount of privacy, and the noise of the snow, there's this beautiful thing. New York is a very noisy city, but with the thick snow around you right now, it's actually kind of muffled, and you realize that you're having a hard time hearing the people around you, and you have a feeling that anything you were to say right now would not be heard. Something about the confidence you're keeping with Kingston means that what you're saying wouldn't be heard outside of your conversation right now.
Cool. Hey, so what is going on? Is this, what the fuck is going on? Well, you mean with all the magic and the Santa Claus and all that bullshit?
So, welcome to the Unsleeping City. New York exists in a plane of existence where just below it is the Unsleeping City, and just above it is Nod of the Sixth Borough, and so New York is this magical place where the Unsleeping City, which has all these fantastical, magical elements that you keep seeing and bleeds into New York, and so I don't know what has happened to you, but you, unlike most people in this city, are now able to see all this bullshitting trolls, that big centaur person, you know, all of that.
I just thought I was always fucked up. I've been taking so many drugs for so long. I've seen all this stuff for a while. Yeah. But I just thought like, oh, yeah, I was tripping. Yeah, well, for a while you were, but now something has clearly happened to you with like that weird that happened back in my nurse's office. I mean, there's clearly some magic that's been imbued in you.
Hey, hey, don't fret. It's gonna be all right, okay? You are in good company.
Me and Misty have been doing this for a long time. We're gonna talk to Alejandro. Is this like a full-time job, or do I still have my life? I mean, you can still have a life, but I'll tell you, it's gonna be a wild one. Hey, y'all, sorry, I just received some information that I also really need. Kugrash is using his little rat ears and just like translating for you, but in like the Kugrash way. So there's like a real New York, and then there's a fake one. You're in the real one now, so there's like magic everywhere. We're gonna like save the world, like how we saved Santa, like that, but like all the time about like every day. Hey, you know, it's gonna be a wild one. I'm like, a wild job, I mean.
Yeah. As you guys walk along, the exact opposite of what's happening to Kingston and Pete is happening to you guys, because you can't go five feet and sit down with people and be like, Misty! Oh, darling, darling. I, God, I'm so sorry to bother you. I'm here with my kids, deeply. We're doing a trip for the holidays. I love that. New York, it's the greatest city in the world. Oh, you're telling me.
I always dreamed of coming here. I couldn't believe it was this or Paris, and we just couldn't with my mom.
Oh, me too, I love Paris, but you know, it's New York, it's New York. Oh my God, we see the Broadway shows and everything, and the Statue of Liberty's from France, so it's almost like an extra free trip. Exactly, exactly. There's so many beautiful French monuments right here in New York City.
You're just talking to me like a regular person. I can't even believe it. Oh, stop, everybody's a regular person.
You see that as you continue talking to this family, they're from the Midwest, their just smiles light up, and again, their adoration wisps off of them in streams of gold and silver and purple and pink, and you see it says, well, thank you so much for taking the time, Miss Waria. You didn't have to, and it really means a lot. Please, I love my fans. It's not even my fans, you're like my family. Oh my God, can you believe someone would say something so nice? You see that they chatter excitedly.
The dad, who's up to this point, said absolutely nothing, just let his wife and his two daughters talk to you.
He leans in and says, I thought your performance in that revamp of Assassin's was remarkable. I thought it was really remarkable. Steven Sondheim, my dear Steven, it's such an astonishing talent, and to be alive when he is alive, we're all just so lucky, you know?
I mean, you're a vision, and I'm sorry, I gotta go. And he turns and walks away. Yeah, you guys continue walking down the street. You eventually arrive at the public library again, where you see the two giant stone lions turn to look at you guys.
Well, well, well, it seems our friends have returned, and how fair the battle in Times Square. Oh, honestly, pretty good. Santa's alive, killed a bunch of mutants. I personally had a great time. If I had to be honest, I think that we saved Christmas. Well, Christmas is saved, splendid, splendid.
Someone needs to save it every year. For that thing to go off, it's a tremendous amount of effort, certainly. Well, as we have said before, we are Orlando and Robie as the guardians of the Gramercy Occult Society.
My brother always lies. I always tell the truth.
Which of us, wait, hold on. I start to walk in. Wait, hold on!
See the stairs lower? We're gonna get this right one time! So, you guys descend through the staircase, walking down crazy M.C. Escher steps against golden, warm, brown light, the clicking of that tile. There's so much echoey goodness in this place, when you're in that giant stone kind of civic building. Of your shoes on the stone, open a pair of doors.
You see Esther is here, as is Alejandro. Alejandro has his little flat cap off. You can see a sort of bald head with a little wraparound of white hair.
He looks down, you see that Ana and Emilia, who both look to be in their maybe late teens, early 20s, sort of college age, you see that they are laid back in chairs, and that they have some injuries on them, and they smell strongly of mint. Strong mint smell.
Well, I mean, now that I'm magic, I might have some healing, so I go over to them and I lay my hands on them. You see that they look up, one looks up and says, who the fuck are you, who the fuck are you? Hi, Sofia Bisacleta, newly magic. Experimenting with my limitations. You see Alejandro looks over to you and says, she can't heal people, or is this? No, she can't heal, so we're trying to roll a little bit soft. She's trying, she's doing a really good job, though. I could lay on hand someone. Can I come and just put her arm around her and be like, hey, remember when you did a full flip around the Santa Claus rib, that's your, right?
This is not your magic. I am so sorry. You take the hands off of them. You see, yeah, Kingston. You go to work on these two. You two are the coolest, I promise, I promise. Okay, I'm not a healer, I have just done it, thank you.
You see that Ana looks over at you, who's one of the twins who's on the left, and goes, so basically a bunch of these Santa Clauses came out, we were on 34th Street. You see Emilia goes, we were not on 34th Street, we were on Fifth Avenue, but they came out. Okay, but no, we were rounding the corner onto 34th Street.
Ladies, all we need to know is what happened. Sorry, it's just my sister was like. No, I understand, but what happened? Well, basically we were going on patrol because we knew that the clones were gonna be out as the Santa Con was happening, and a bunch of these mutants came out that were not bumbling around. They charged straight for us and bit us, and now it feels like my bones are turning to peppermint or something.
Can I do whatever, do I have what I need, or do I need to go back to do what I did for Pete? Give me a medicine check. We'll see if you have the ability to do that. Can I do a check and see if I recognize any of them?
Nine. Nine, yeah, you need to take them to the hospital.
Okay. Go ahead, yeah, give me a flat charisma check. Cool. 19.
You see that Amelia and Ana both turn up, look at you, and their eyes go wide. You have definitely sold weed to these two many, many times. You see they go, whoa, oh man, who are all these new people?
Are they all new to Unsleeping City? I've never seen either of these two people before. They are both brand new. Both this person and especially this person, not yet, I haven't.
I think we've met at a party, yeah. We met at a party raising money for a political candidate. You see that Alejandro looks over and says, I had no idea you two were getting involved in politics. That is so good to be civic-minded, that's incredible.
Who was the candidate? Oh, it was someone who didn't end up going forward, which is a bummer, you know.
Listen, I think politics is so important, and every year I do one of those videos where I tell people to vote with a bunch of other theater people. People love those. People love those videos. I lean into them and I'm like, but we are taking donations for someone really similar, and they're really good. What we've heard recently, they're really good. So it's 25 a pop, and they'll really appreciate your support.
Oh, you're going in a. I was talking to Alejandro. Yeah, I was talking to Alejandro. He says, cool, yeah, absolutely.
I would be happy to donate, let me see here. Do you take PayPal, Venmo, or anything like that? Yeah, I definitely take Venmo. I hand you $100. Great. That's a lot for Venmo. Thank you, everyone, thanks. You see that Ana and Emilia look at you and they say, could me and my sister split a donation? You could, yeah, absolutely. It's definitely splittable. I actually donated earlier this morning and then had some dumplings, and it was a great choice.
They both nod. I thought you smoked weed before you had the dumplings. Mm, mm. You see that Esther crosses her arms and says, this is the most poorly veiled innuendo I've ever heard in my life.
Alejandro, this young man is a drug dealer. You see that Alejandro says, how could you tell? It seemed like he was so civic minded. And you see he says, he's talking about selling weed to your granddaughters. You see he looks and says, well, well, they're adults, it's their business, no problem of mine.
Fuck yeah. Esther, are you a politically minded person? Because I'm trying to get more involved. Yeah, yes, I'm politically minded. Mostly I do a lot of canvassing for causes over candidates, generally. Oh.
Yeah, there's a lot of, you know, rent justice and trying to fight for, you know, neighborhoods to be preserved, things like that. Oh, for sure, gentrification is ruining everything.
Hey, real talk. Where do you live? Hm? Where do you live? Brooklyn. Nice. But I live in Polish Brooklyn, okay? It's different.
Hey, real quick, can I go, I'm gonna go get medicine for these ladies' peppermint bones. I'll be back in 25, 30 minutes. I'll go with you. Yeah, I'll also go with you. Can I casually put my hand on the other twin that I didn't touch and just try to heal real quick again? Give me a medicine check real quick.
I got a 16. A 16.
You see that she goes, that's not helping, but it does feel good. All right, okay. Magic of love, there's something to it. Can I try and lay on hands them? Yeah, go for it. For five points that says I can do a disease? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I'll just do it.
Ricky, you lay hands on one of them and you see that this light goes through them and you can feel the disease, the virus being arrested in her body. It's still present there, but it looks like it's not going to spread any farther while they get to the hospital.
Cool. Cool, see, Alejandro says, all right, let's get these girls to the hospital. Perhaps I can come along with you and we can discuss. Hey, man, we all talk on the bus. You guys leave the public library with Alejandro. You see Esther looks at Alejandro and says, Ali, you want me to stay here?
And he says, if you will keep an eye on the society, that would be for the best. She looks over and looks at you and says, because you're still a little injured, right, or no? Yes, I guess I am. You see she says, you all right, Ricky? You look pretty beat up. Oh, you know, it's just part of the whole thing, right? I'm a little hurt, yeah. She nods and says, well, hopefully, get Kingston to take care of that.
I also heard that you decapitated the big guy, right? Yeah, I got kind of caught up in the situation and I killed the mutant Santa that was the biggest one, so I don't know. It was just such a threat, so I just had to step out. I'm watching him because I'm just fascinated by this level of macho, and I'm just like, goddamn.
All right, well, thanks for hitting the talking point, Smith, with me, Ricky, I appreciate it. Two hands on it, and I jump through the air, clean off. Great, I'm gonna look after some of the goings-on here, I'm gonna take care of the engine, so best of luck.
You guys head off, catch the bus as it heads uptown. As you're sitting on the bus, headed back towards St. Owen's, Alejandro looks over at you and says, Peter, Peter, you said very. I take out my headphones because I was wearing them like a teen on a road trip. So he says, so I took a quick arcane scan of your body and spirit before you left to deal with the menace in Times Square. This is a very special moment in the history of the Unsleeping City.
Peter, you are what is known in arcane circles as a vox phantasmus, do you know what this means? No, vox? Vox, which is a Latin for voice. And then phantasmus to mean an apparition or in this case, a dream.
I'm a voice for the dreams? That is correct. I'm a dream voice. A dream voice is true.
There are certain people within the Unsleeping City who occupy positions of important weight and gravity. Not myself as a wizard, I have had to almost at least boss my whole life, work very hard to study magic to get to this point, but I'm not complaining. There are certain people who are instead innately magical because of how they are born or because forces and entities speak through them. Kingston is one such person, you are another.
There has not been a vox phantasmus in this city since I believe the mid 1920s. In the history of New York, there has never been a vox phantasmus and a vox populi at the same time.
And a what? I'm the vox populi. What's that?
As it was explained to me long ago, I am the spirit of, the spirits of New York City saw fit to give me the strength and powers and blessings of New York itself. I guess, because I was doing my part, New York invested its energy in me and thus I was, about 30 years ago, I don't know, able to do magic. I'm assuming, I guess, similar to what you're going through right now. It was, I woke up one day and yeah, I could touch people and make them feel better. I didn't need any of the medicine or tools that I had spent years learning how to do the exact same thing.
You see that Alejandro nods and says, New York is a place of incredible power for a number of reasons. Much of the magic of the Unsleeping City comes from the interplay between the waking world and the dreaming, what we call Nod, the sixth borough. The Unsleeping City is the place where those two planes touch and we find that beings from one place can enter into another. I will say as well here, that there are opposing forces in certain cases. The magic of the vox populi comes from the power of the waking world, the places and people of New York itself. Your power does not come from that. It comes from the New York on the other side. Tell me, Peter, have you had any interactions with beings, entities, or locales that would perhaps deviate from the norm?
No. No? That is highly unlikely.
I make a look at Kingston that's like, I'm not answering any more questions from this guy. You're a dodgy man. Yo, man, I think you'll find it easier around here if you just start to tell the truth. Tell a mystery. Because whatever you think that you've seen, we've seen worse and more. And let me tell you. All right, if you guys are cops, you have to tell me. Did you know that's the law?
Hey, I'm a rat, right? That is a rat, we're on a magical bus. I'm definitely not a cop. This just feels like the most elaborate sting operation I've ever seen anyone nefarious.
The Voice of Dreams back in the 1920s was a goddamn delight. It was so much fun, it was the 1920s, everything was raw. What was that person like? Oh my god, so fun, through the most amazing party.
She was fabulous. She was really something else. Josephine Gatsby. Oh, loved her. She was great.
You see that Alejandro looks at you and says, I will tell you two things now. Number one, I promise you on my word, as a wizard and as someone who wants only the best for his city, I am not a cop. Secondly, I watched you actively try to sell drugs to my two granddaughters not more than 10 minutes ago. So if this was a sting, probably I would have leaned into the microphone and say, so by now.
Yeah, okay. Something to consider. Also, cops don't have to tell you they're cops. Oh, that's extremely important. Really? They really don't have to tell you.
They don't, it would, that's stupid. It's a very stupid thing to believe. But then in court it could get thrown out if they lied.
No. They just tell him the stuff. I, fucking fine, I take a micro dose of acid pill out of my pocket and swallow it. Great. All right, so, yeah, okay. So I saw someone killed my dad, but not in like a, it's a sad way, like in a good way. What?
And then there was a big happy face button and someone asked me to push it and I did and he said, spread the word, I'm free. And I think his name was, Lazarus. He said, spread the news, I'm leaving today. So whoever Lazarus is, I guess I let out by pushing a button.
Your dad's dead? Yeah, what was that part? He's a piece of shit, man. I mean. Okay. He sucked and I guess I do kinda like feel in contact with this voice still. So there is a voice in Dreams that you spoke to and released from some kind of bondage. That's, that's kinda what it felt like, yeah.
Okay, that has the potential to be very bad. That has the potential to be very bad. That has the potential to be extremely bad.
So, what I will say to you now is, it is important that you learn to govern these abilities. You are gifted with an extreme amount of power. That power, if wielded recklessly, could tear this city apart. So, I know it is not fair to you, but you have become someone of great significance and your decisions, should they be reckless, selfish and dangerous, will carry an impact far greater than they would have even a week before now.
Are you going back to microdose again? Does that feel responsible? What are you doing? I mean, at what point is the microdose? It's so little, it's so little. I gotta say, I think that what Pete is doing, I think that there, you know, there could be some value for that. There hasn't been enough research that you want. Various research out there that says it's not microdosing if you keep taking it, right? It was two small microdoses.
Pete, I can get you a guest pass to my gym. And we can go, we can do some sets together. We can just hit, you know, shoulders.
You see- I mean, I'll think about it, man. That's really nice. They got a spectator pass? Really?
You guys pull up to the hospital. I don't know. You just pull up to the hospital, you get off. Ana and Amelia walk with you. Go ahead and make some medicine checks with advantage.
Oh, great. Okay, great.
That's 18, less than 18. And that's very high, that's 26. And 25, so 18 and- 26. 18, 20.
You go ahead. The one that you perfectly cure, Ana, and then Amelia, who actually was the one that had the virus stop, you're able to take it the rest of the way over and they are both healed. Nice. You see Alejandro looks over and says, I know we're in a hospital. Is it cool if I light up in here or no? In my office, sure. Everywhere else? I'd actually prefer you not.
He nods. You see he takes this old, crazy wooden pipe and puts it back in his coat. I hand him a jewel.
What is this? What am I looking at right now?
It's an e-cigarette. You can plug it into your computer. That one is cucumber habanero flavored. It's just like a tobacco pipe, my brother.
Peter, this is extremely rad. Can I buy this from you or I can just get this anywhere? You can have it, man. If you need a re-up though, then you gotta pay. Peter, you are an extremely cool dude and I very much appreciate that you have given me this gift. Thanks. Know this. You see that one of his eyes turns into a golden point of light and you see that in a mirror, his reflections begin to double up and extend infinitely away. He says, do not take it lightly that a wizard is in your debt.
Call my name thrice and I shall appear in a moment of need for you. Wait, I'm so sorry, bud. As a Lady Gaga fan, I might accidentally say Alejandro multiple times and I'm not calling you. Okay, if you do it to the tune of the Lady Gaga song, I will know not to come.
Okay, great. All right, cool. All right, good, good, good.
I'm just double checking. No, for sure. It's not like I'm bound by it. It's just that I have a thing in my office where if someone says my name, a little wisp of smoke goes into a glass bowl. Oh, cool. So it's really, it's not like, it would be cool to say it's just magic where I just appear, but it's actually like I just see it and then I teleport there.
That's really generous, man. Thank you so much. Just put it here. Oh, Peter, come here.
I don't know why I'm giving my tricks away. This is not, I should not do this. This thing, this is crazy.
And it gives a kick to it. The flavor is... Isn't it nice? The flavor is not a bad part of it.
Do you have a phone? Put my number in it. You can hit me up anytime for anything.
Alejandro. Sorry, I'm sorry. What are you doing, man?
You're a grown man. I don't talk to me about a grown man. You're a grown man.
I don't want you to be your father. I don't need you to tell my baby. You don't have to have a good time with me, young man. You don't need some kid's number to mark drugs, man.
All right, look. Thank you very much for this, June. Thank you. I will treasure it forever. I am in your debt. Well.
It says, now, there is something very sinister at work. The dream realm is an area which, even for the wizards of the Grammar Sea Occult Society, exists outside of their realm of knowledge. We know a fraction of what there is to know about the dream realm. We have hardly enough time, as it is, simply to map out the Unsleeping City and those things which are able to issue forth from the dream realm into the waking world. The actual dream realm itself is far beyond our understanding. However, there are things there vaster and more potent than I can describe in words. And if you have already engaged in powerful magics, there is the Vox Phantasmus, then it is hard to say what may have happened.
Do you, how did you come to know this beam was released? I can see on your bracelet that that is a source of your power, so if you were to press that, that is. That's exactly what happened. Yeah, I saw a gold rectangle up here, and then I was able to push this button to release, they asked me if I wanted to, and I did want to. Gold rectangle, and that is when the voice started to speak to you. Cool, yeah. It was the same voice the whole time, or different voices? Felt like different voices, maybe. Okay.
There was a gray baby. A gray baby? Mm-hmm. A gray baby.
It's starting to lose all meaning, those words are. Okay, hold on, I'm going to, this requires, I don't think the book is still at our main chapter, maybe out at the Clinton Hill Chantry or somewhere else, I must go. You see he says, Ana, Amelia, you guys need cab fare? And you see that they look and they say, Grandpa, it's Lyft now, or Uber, or we'll just take a subway.
Okay, I can give you cash if you need it, I just care about your safety because today you almost died. My granddaughter saw me, yes, all right.
I'm going to head out. And a bunch of. He's going to hell? He's headed out.
Oh. Oh, I heard that too. Ana and Amelia say, Kingston, thank you so much. Of course. Appreciate it. Well, listen, do you need anything from us before we head out, or, because we can redo some of the enchantments on your nurse's office, or if you need anything else. That would be lovely, but if you guys got places to go, I can happily handle it. You see that one of them's on their phone already, clicking. You see the other one begins to cast some enchantments that again, all have, you see these circular gyroscoping images of light that look like New York City manhole covers made out of green and orange neon light begin to go into the walls all around your nurse's office. You see she says, cool, that should do it. Thanks, Kingston, bye. Thank you so much. Oh, before you guys leave, you two are just so cute if you ever want a haircut or anything, and I give them a business card. They look, go ahead and make a little persuasion roll for me. Well, it's on the house. But that is a? 12. A 12. You see that they look and say, oh, that'd be fun, on the house? Sure, your hair looks awesome. Thank you.
Where is your haircut place? It's on Staten Island.
Okay, have a good one. Yeah. It's just a fairy ride away, they have beers on the ferry. Take it, I'm gonna meet you. Okay. You see they head out. All right. We're gonna get a subway stop one of these days, I'm sure of it. Great, and it's just you guys left here, that are left here in Kingston's office. Well, well, well. Just like old times. I'll tell you, Fox Phantasma. Yeah, sorry to be such a about it.
I just, there's like a lot of cops after me, and I move a lot of product through this city, so I didn't want to be taken down, you know? I think you're cool. I think you don't really have to worry about, like, you have like magic now, so you're cool. Yeah, I wasn't sure.
I hand you like four Xanax. Okay, stop giving people drugs. What are you? I mean, I will take some Xanax. There you go.
I'm like, this will kill me. This absolutely will kill me, please take this back.
Okay, yeah, it looks good. I'm a tiny rat. Do you have a place to stay? Yeah, yeah, I got a house and everything. Okay, good. I may have been kicked out of my house. Well, if anyone needs a place to stay, I'm but a ferry ride away. So where do you live? I am in a studio apartment in Brooklyn. Oh, sick. I have another bedroom if you'd like to stay with me.
That's also an option. Lot of options.
If you want to curl up in a. I just get very quiet and like edge away from the conversation, but like definitely go. Keep staying with me. It's a guest bedroom with a California king.
That is all lovely. That's really nice.
I guess I'm on fireman time is the other thing you should know. Yeah, Kingston, it would be really cool to crowd you maybe. What do you want something about? Private bathroom for the guest room. Oh, that's pretty cool. On Staten Island. Hey, Kingston, when can I move in? Okay, moving in is a strong word. You can stay with me until we figure something out. All right, why don't we all meet at Kingston's apartment tomorrow morning? Great. Kind of the new headquarters. Yeah, great, I'm on the top floor. You guys, say hello to my mother on the way up, all right?
You know, you can have manners. I love visiting Kingston because there's this little place that does cafe con leche for 75 cents. Oh, right on the bodega on the corner. That's what living in New York's all about. It's crazy when you can get coffee for less than a dollar. I'll be honest with you. Less than a dollar. It's beautiful condensed milk and espresso.
Wonderful, will you guys take off from there going to your various places? Let's go around. So you've had this weird meeting of all these different various forces at work and have sort of come together and it seems like some momentous things are underway. We'll just go around the table.
Ricky, what does Ricky do as he leaves from there? Where is he headed to? Ricky's just going home. He's gotta get a good eight hours.
Yeah. You know, like, this is pretty, this hasn't registered to him that this is anything that crazy. Anything special. Made some new friends today, cool.
And then jogged home. Hell yeah, you jog home. You have a whole, like in your studio you have all your gym and workout equipment in there. Do a couple quick reps.
You get a little message as you do every single night from your mom and dad saying, sending our love. Hope you had another great day. Saw you on the news. Love our boy. Text him a picture of me working out. You know, no days off. Love you mom and dad. No days off! Love me!
You get a text back of your mom way in the foreground with her face kind of clipped off, going like, ah! And your dad completely in a newspaper not looking. And she says, the text under it is, your dad says, wow, so strong! Hard eyes, hard eyes, hard eyes, hard eyes. Sounds like dad.
Where does Sofia head off to? Okay, well, Sofia is heading back to Staten Island.
But the looming disappointment of her very empty, once marital bed is haunting her. And so she immediately turns back around and she goes, Kug, do you want to grab a drink or something?
Also, I've got an amazing detangler. Let me at your fur. It's all matted and destroyed. Yeah, I kind of like it like this, is there? Yeah, I think so. And then I think I just want to work on Kugrash's fur and give him like a little styling. Like straighten Kugrash's fur? So you guys are at a speakeasy around the corner and you're chemically detangling.
Do I just look like a little ugly dude to non-magic people? I'm gonna actually ask you to roll a charisma check. Roll a charisma check. I'm gonna try to not look like a rat. Negative charisma.
I rolled a 13, but I have negative two. I got an 11. 11, okay.
So you're there detangling this rat's fur. But also giving it some volume. Tease it a little bit. Kugrash, you look in the mirror. You're starting to look like a full chinchilla. You're just like so poofy.
You see that a maitre d sort of walks over. He's just like a restaurant and bar. He walks over and says, I had to do this before.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not interested. I know what you're going after. And I'm not married, but I was recently, so I still kind of consider myself married. I'm so sorry. In no world could that have been what I was going for.
I try to start dancing. Like as a rat, like I'm a trick rat. You don't know what you look like right at this moment. And you see that the person looks down at you and says, ma'am, you have to understand how far it has gotten for me to say this. Do I see him dancing? You see him dancing as Kugrash.
But you see that the guy looks at you and says, your baby is so hairy that it is upsetting other customers. And I'm going to have to ask you to take your child out of the bar. Oh my God, seriously? You're gonna be against children? God, new mothers just can't go anywhere. Your baby's covered in hair and everyone's upset.
I need you to, we're gonna comp your drink so your drink is on us, but you need to take your baby. Free drinks, get one more, get one more for me. For one more drink, I'll leave.
Okay, we're gonna do that. Okay. You get a little to-go coffee cup, a little alcoholic drink. This is a good scam. I know. You go in there, you got a hairy baby. The other one asks you to leave, you get. I think we gotta run this scam on a couple more bars. You guys, you end up running that scam. Make an insight check, Kugrash. Okay.
20, two. 22, you can tell after the third bar you guys run hairy baby on. This is the best night. You can tell that Sofia's trying to not go home.
Oh. Okay, where to next? You know what, let's go to Staten Island, huh? You got like a basement I can curl up in like a dirty rag or something. No, you know what, you can sleep in my bed and I'll sleep in the guest room. Yeah, all right. Okay, yeah. You guys toddle off, you're blasted Sofia, you're, you guys wander through the park. What was the dance you were doing, Murph? Go ahead and make me Constitution saving throw real quick. Okay.
Me too or just her, oh, she's drunk. That's gonna be 17. Hell yeah, you're feeling great. You're all right, you're just a little tipsy.
You guys are wandering through Central Park at night, snow kind of kicking around again. You get to a certain point and are you still wearing your plastic bag shoes or? Have I seen any shoes on the street? Go ahead and make an investigate check. I'll call in some dumpsters.
I got a 19. I got 12. You got a 19?
Kug knows where to look for him so on your way through the park you look around and you find the boathouse has some lockers in it where people keep shoes sometimes and the lockers are very, very old. So on the way through the park you bust into one of the lockers and there's a little pair of like, just some comfy loafers. I think no, I'll just stick with the plastic bag. The loafers.
I know but they're not very, I go for a little more flair in the way I decorate myself. Thank you though, I really appreciate it.
You guys wander away from the boathouse and you guys actually end up crossing through Bethesda Fountain, which if you guys know Bethesda Fountain is the giant fountain in Central Park right next to the lake with the giant statue of an angel. It's a beautiful angel in Central Park. You're walking through.
Each of you guys make a wisdom check. A wisdom check. 14. Six.
The tipsyness kind of hits you a little bit more, Sofia. You look up and are like entranced by this angel. She's just so beautiful to you. God, that's a nice figure. The head of the angel turns to look at you and says, you're not so bad as yourself. Oh my god, being magic is awesome. Hi, I'm Sofia Bicicleta. Hold up my hand to it. The snow swirls around in the moonlight and the angel soars down on wings and as she lands, boom, you see she's made of metal. See, she says, charms, I'm the angel of the waters.
You can call me Em. Oh, hi Em, nice to meet you.
So what, bags are in now? Well, it was this or loafers. Oh god, loafers in the middle of winter? I know. What is this, what are we, in the Hamptons or something?
Give me a break. I know, I don't need yacht slippers. Yeah, no yacht fashion, thank you. No, thank you.
You see she looks at her and says, Kugrash, I don't know if we've formally met but you do really good work around here in the park. Oh, thanks, yeah, it's good seeing you. Did you happen to see anything weird going on in the park tonight?
You know, what, with the Santa being kidnapped and all? You see she says, oh god, I heard about that yesterday. Yeah, that's awful.
Well, you know, I'm pretty stationary as far as things go. I have to guard these waters or all hell breaks loose but I did hear, it's interesting about the pixies. I heard a rumor going around that it was them or something like that. But I will say that that seems a little odd because Don Confetti's daughter is getting married. Oh, so why would they be dabbling in some sort of? Seems like being stretched pretty thin. Maybe it's a perfect time for him to get up to some trouble or something. Who is she getting married to?
Some pigeon. Pigeon, oh, these pixies are getting fancy. A real rat bird, huh?
I mean, have you ever heard of pixies getting involved with the infernal? The infernal? Yeah. Oh, these pixies?
No, Don Confetti's an idiot. I don't think he has the smarts to tangle with any kind of real envoy of hell or anything like that.
Hey, if it was gonna happen anywhere, it would happen here, right? Yeah, I guess that's true.
Do you, are people, is this an actual pigeon that she's marrying? Yeah, Ronald Pigeon. Ronald Pigeon, right, good. Maybe he's trying to ruin the wedding? Do I know if Ronald's a, or if Ronald's a good pigeon?
Oh, make a nature check for me? Okay. When is their marriage? 13. 13. Most pigeons are exactly the same level of stupid. Okay. And Ronald Pigeon just comes from a good pigeon family. Okay.
So is this an alliance, is this an alliance between, is this like a political marriage or the pixies trying to make an alliance with the pigeons? Honestly, I don't think so. I mean, the pigeons don't really have, I mean. So you think it's true love, they just really love each other, and outside of, they're just marrying outside of the family? I think they're just marrying outside of the family.
It's also his youngest daughter, so I think that she has a little more. Oh, okay, not as much pressure. Not as much pressure as her older sisters, so you know, it is what it is.
Well, listen, it was lovely seeing you here. Yeah. You see he says. It's nice to meet you.
You know, my friends call me Sofia Bikes, so if you wanna say that, you can. Sofia Bikes? Well, you can call me Em, as I've said. Nice to meet you, Sofia Bikes.
Yeah. You want some water on your way home? Yes, that would be wonderful. You see that she holds a hand up to the fountain, which has been shut off for the winter, and some of the water comes out into her hand, and she holds it out, and it holds its shape as though there is a cup or bowl there, and pours it into your hand, and it holds the same shape as though held there by some invisible force. I marvel at it, and then I throw it back like a shot. Yeah. Do you mind if I take a quick bath in this? Oh, she says. I just did your hair. Never mind, I'll just have a little drink. She gives you a drink as well. You guys are healed, all the rest of any hit point damage you had left over, and the water also, you see that actually, even just drinking the water, a lot of the dirt and grime comes off of you, and for you as well, it feels like this weird, purifying thing where a lot of your drunkenness leaves you, it almost sobers you up a little bit, but it doesn't leave you feeling anxious or edgy again. It leaves you feeling a little bit clear but solid, like you're anchored to something. Em, do you mind if I take a flask of this? She says, well, this is pretty potent stuff, but of course, I'll do it for you. Thank you. You see she pours some into your flask. I take out one of those tiny nips of Smirnoff Ice, I dump out the Smirnoff Ice, and then. Some of the water goes into it, and she says, all right, though, take care of yourself, it's a long ferry ride back. And she flies back up to her stance, goes back into her stance, and the snow begins to collect on her wings again. Wonderful.
What's Kingston doing? I guess me and Pete are together on the bus, or I guess we, yeah, we're on the bus going back to my apartment building. Cool, you get on the bus, you head back to Kingston's apartment. You walk up the steps.
What time is it? It's about like 1130. Now, your folks are probably asleep, and probably Claude and his family's asleep as well.
But you guys head up into Kingston's apartment. Kingston's apartment is lovely. It has that rich smell of cool old antiques and good books and a lot of coffee grounds, all those kind of musky deep smells that immediately you're like, oh, I'm in someone's nice home.
I love the, but I'm standing like this the whole time, like awkward, you know? Hey, you want a glass of water or something? Yeah, sure. All right, work. Guys, it's like, can I put on just a jazz record and get him a glass of water? You see a real old vinyl starts playing some great jazz. And yeah, go ahead actually, and Kingston, give me a medicine check. 24. Kingston's mere presence, glass of water is like great New York tap water. That's tap water in USA, by the way. And the music playing, you feel yourself, I mean, you know, Pete has whatever reservations he has, but physically you feel your body relaxing a little.
Wild day, right? Yeah, that was crazy.
I think I'm like texting my guy who has like, I'm just letting him know that I was kicked out of my old place, but there wasn't anything there. You get a text immediately back saying, copy, come to my place to re-up one time thing while you're figuring shit out.
Okay. You're gonna be staying in the master bedroom. Why? I don't really sleep. I sleep in the guest bedroom now, so you'll be in the master.
Okay, thanks. All good, man. And I go, can I just do classic host stuff and just get towels? Oh, this is making me feel so awkward. I'm just like, thanks so much. A bunch of like travel size, like one soap, one shampoo. Oh, that is so nice. Thanks so much. Of course, man. Yeah, whatever you need until you get on your feet. Oh yeah, thanks, thanks again. Just, you know, be kind to my family.
And if I catch you selling any drugs to my cousins or my parents or my other cousins, we're gonna have a problem. We're gonna have a big problem. We're gonna have a huge problem from which we cannot come back.
I mean, I just wanna say, I don't create the desire in other people. What you should be worried about is the desire that is there already. Well, let me tell you something right now, dog. All right, the desire is not there. If for some reason you enter the home and create the desire, we gonna have a problem.
You see, as you guys have this little interaction, that in a, there's like a cool old little piece of art on the wall that has some like mirror or reflective stuff in it. You see the kind of soft golden light and sort of rainbow light in a corner of it create a little bit of sparks. And you guys hear a loud noise as the painting rattles and falls off the wall.
Man, this is that same old bull. It's like us two being two boxes here at the same time. And we need to figure this out. All right, yeah, yeah.
I won't sell anyone in your house drugs. I'm not gonna, I really won't. Thank you. I won't.
I'm gonna take out a bunch of like little holders and vials and stuff that I just have on my own. These is just my own.
Pete, how are you standing up? It's like a mixologist, you know? You're just constantly like re-navigating where you're at. I tell you, I did dope one time in 1978. It was the craziest thing that I've ever had.
You know what, I'm going to bed. Good night, Pete. Good night. Casey goes off to bed. You're just kind of kicking it, waiting to- I'm gonna be awake for like five more hours.
I'm just like, hey! You look around. Yeah, what's Pete doing awake in Casey's apartment? I'm trying not to go through anything. Like I am trying to be like a good guest. So I'm just kind of like. Give me a perception check.
Yeah, cool. That's fine. Nah, 20.
You see on top of the refrigerator, just a little light layer of dust on it. There's a big glass vase full of corks. There's some takeout menus. You also see that wrapped in like ancient stinking gauze is an obsidian ankh. This old Egyptian symbol of life. You immediately pick up some weird, magical sensations from it. You see that it's under a clear salad bowl. So it's like there's a salad bowl on top of it. And you see that there's also a, what looks like a framed photograph that's fallen down onto the face of the photograph so that you can't see what the photo is. Okay, I lift that up, I go to look at it.
You see there is a young Kingston Brown, his dreads not yet silvery white, but instead sort of salt and pepper. Clean shaven.
And you see that there is a younger Hispanic woman in her 30s, beautiful, like classic high cheekbones. You see that there are wedding rings on their fingers and that they are standing in front of city hall. She's pretty cute.
I, I feel sad. It's good. Yeah. Wonderful.
Misty, you get back to your lovely penthouse. There's some notes, some sticky notes left from Alyssa. There's one big one on your kitchen table. I assume you're going back to your penthouse, by the way. It's Monday, we're dark on Mondays, it's fine. And you see that there is an invitation that has been on your to-do list for a little while. You've fairly forgotten about it, but there's a little post saying last day to RSVP highlighted by Alyssa.
In little birch bark and ivy leaves is an invitation to the wedding of Angela Confetti and Ronald Pigeon. Well, I don't super want to go, but also the Confetti's are one of those crime families that also are great supporters of the arts. They're like, oh, it's my cousin's birthday, we're gonna bring like five incredible Broadway stars and have them sing at the birthday. So as patrons of the arts, I have to go to this wedding.
There you go. And so I RSVP, yes, in my most beautiful purple ink. Calligraphy. You see that as you RSVP, the invitation turns into this little twig blight and goes, go on, go on.
See it runs and hits its head into your door, backs up, runs, bam, head again. I open the door, you're stupid, go to the door. Thank you, and takes off, running down the hall.
Lovely, so you guys all variously go to sleep that night. The only person that I wanna cover what happens when they're asleep is Pete.
Pete, you crash in the master bedroom, a big wide bed in Kingston's apartment, and you come to floating above the dreamlike city of New York, the skyscrapers and buildings are all a polished dark glass, like a window looking into an empty night sky, but the reflections of the starlight above them as the snow drifts up off the ground going into the sky surround you. You feel weightless here, as though you could swim around or move in any direction. I think I, I think I go to Priya's house. House. You swim through the dreaming of New York and you arrive right near Union Square, sort of close to Stuytown, and you see a gorgeous opulent apartment all done in this illuminated nighttime glass, and you see that there is a little bubble, something imperceptible, flashes of light and color, and you get the sensation that Priya is dreaming in that. Cool. I know I shouldn't do this, but I just go anyway. I try to like look in at the dream.
You pop your head in and you see that there is a tea party on top of a clock in a strange dark forest, and you see that Priya is talking to a fractured man as she's sitting at this little tea table. She looks gorgeous, by the way. You see that she looks up and says, well, the collection didn't meet my standards, at least for myself, and I think that oftentimes when we find ourselves trying to create a body of work or find a theme or a central thread through something, we end up elaborating on subconscious ideologies. Culture works on us in ways that we can't even quite estimate or imagine from our conscious mind, and you see that she's just talking to this fractured man, this babble of stuff about her art and what she's working on.
Go ahead and make a stealth check for me if you'd be so kind. Heh, um, okay, let's see, that's 13. She looks up and looks at you and she says, Peter, what are you doing here? That's it for this chapter of Dimension 20. But wait, what harkens on the wind? Speak to me, bird. More full episodes of Dropout.tv's own Dimension 20 available with a free trial that you can sign up for today. Hopefully our viewers are brave enough to answer the call. There he goes. Make a crumb trail all the way up to my mouth. See, one pigeon looks over and says, it's a trick, and then they start walking away. Oh my god, what is wrong with me? |
cracked | that_head_shaving_scene_in_wolf_of_wall_street_wasn_t_faked | that scene was not created through some sort of movie magic Scorsese actually hired a woman to have her head shorn completely on the camera okay maybe she wasn't just a random extra the woman was Natasha Newman Thomas who was not an actress but a hairstylist and costume designer who happened to be friends with Leonardo DiCaprio lucky her at least before filming the scene presumably maybe she wasn't afterward but being a hairstylist Thomas naturally had major reservations about having her hair chopped off for the sake of well the longest frat comedy ever filmed but she eventually agreed to do it rehearsals were done with a wig but then it came time to finally film the scene they obviously only had one chance and if someone had coughed at the wrong time they would have either had to wait a year for Thomas's hair to go back or run quickly out onto the street and find another young woman willing to come inside and get her peer pressured and shaving her head by some of the most rich and powerful men in the world luckily for the production it seemed often out of hitch and Scorsese captured the very real facial expressions of a woman trying not to have a panic attack as her hair was shorn straight up |
SaturdayNightLive | detectives_snl | All right, good morning team. it's Monday. you know what that means. it's time to touch base on our logs of cold cases. But first, we have two new interns here for college credit. everybody. let's welcome Olivia and Kaya Girls want to tell us about yourselves. Hi! First up, we have case File 442. look at that beautiful naked woman's body found in the lake.
Uh, yeah, that's right. We suspect it was the husband and the motive wasn't a fair, but still don't have the evidence to pin it on him. our last lead was a plane ticket we found in his trash, but the trails gone cold. What's that? He's in Daltana? What? How did you find him? Instagram? duh.
Yeah, it was easy. I logged into my troll account at The Snatcher and I saw we had a mutual so I peeped her Ig and he's literally on grid. The receipts are all there. Well, that's very good. How'd you do that? We're 22 year old girls in a situation ships. We can find out anything about anyone with literally no information. my screen time is 23 hours a day and the other hour I'm shoplifting from Brandi Melville. All right, then Cook Cook Cook. Whoo! Case closed. I guess we can move on to case file 729.
Okay, look at that. another pretty naked woman this time in the woods. That's right, boss. we suspect it was her hiking buddy Tony.
He claims he was at lunch with his mother at the time, but I bet that's Bs. how old is he? he's 40. Okay, Facebook ponies on the land, but based on his cell phone data, we can triangulate his location to Utah, Arizona and Rhode Island. Here we'll show you his Facebook is private, but his mom's is very much public.
She posts what can only be described as a diary entry every day. On Tuesday she wrote, I got lunch with my beautiful son with the fajitas. I love my son.
Wow, we are really blowing through these case. number 904. all right. no man, another gorgeous lady found dead inside the mall calling them gorgeous. oh, I'm sorry. Caked up. Anyway, we we think it might be connected to a burglary at the Auntie Annie's Yeah, that's right, I found the manager's digits, so I shot him a text, but it wasn't very bussing or on period. Cap: you don't have to talk like them, thank God. So I just did a quick search on Cash Up and Pinterest and Linkedin and B-roll a discord in Zillow and then I got bored. so I ordered a shirt on deep off and then I got an email from Domino's and they were like i miss you and I was like, okay, fine, I'll get a pizza and then I found his little tumbler which took me to a sound club which was psychotic and from there I found his Twitter. oh, sorry ex And then I took a buzzfeed quiz. my soulmate is Charles Melton, you know, I took that same buzzfeed quiz what I get Andy Cohen. I ain't tripping though. I like a little fruit in my salad.
So then I watched his snapchat story and it was just him with a bunch of soft pretzels and cash. And yeah, I have screenshots. So yay. Yeah, well, I thought you couldn't take screenshots on snapchat That the whole point is that you can send whatever. No, you definitely can take screenshots.
I have to go. Well, we are definitely gonna have a meeting for that tomorrow. Anyway, on to the next case, please. You have to help me. Oh. My.
God. this is a gorgeous, fully clothed woman. My husband I thought he was on a business trip, but he hasn't come home for six weeks. Found him girl he's on. Love is blind, all right, Well, Olivia and Kaia just finished all the work we have planned for the next two years.
So y'all want to play? Who know? is this your only fans? no, it is not. I have to go. You. |
SaturdayNightLive | west_bank_report_saturday_night_live | As fighting continues between Israel and the Palestinians, here with the latest report from the West Bank is Fox News' War Correspondent, Geraldo Rivera. Geraldo, uh, Geraldo, it's Tina Fey. can you hear me? Tina, I'm here in the West Bank town of Rumala. it's the seventh stop on my tour of terror. it's been another hellish day in the Holy Land, in this battle of Bethlehem, in this Muslim mayhem, which some have called the Jihad versus Jesus. Uh, earlier this afternoon, Geraldo Rivera, I was able to thwart a dastardly suicide bomber. a Palestinian man wearing a traditional jalaba approached me, preparing to detonate his dastardly sorry self. But I said to him, Geraldo comes in Peace. I then offered him, Tina, a handshake. I offered him a hug. the bomber then held me in his dastardly arms for several minutes, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. truly an affectionate moment between a suicide bomber and an award-winning Fox News reporter. just two guys talking, Tina. Geraldo, is Colin Powell's presence going to have a positive effect on an Israeli-palestinian ceasefire? Tina, let me answer that. just moments ago, Colin Powell spoke with Yasser Arafat, as well as Israeli Prime Minister Sharon. they both agreed there's only one man who could possibly, uh, broker a lasting peace. And that man's name is Geraldo Rivera. Sharon and Arafat mentioned you by name?
Apparently, Tina, this entire war-torn region tunes in religiously to watch Geraldo's tour of terror. I'm something of a cult figure around here, a veritable Jerry Garcia of Terror. these groupies follow me around the region. in fact, let's take a look at my official tour of Terror schedule. tomorrow night, catch my tour of Terror at Nasser Dome in Cairo, Egypt. Then, Geraldo's tour of Terror continues at the dastardly Mecca Square Arena in Saudi Arabia with opening act Shakira. Geraldo, what will you do after the Tour of Terror is over?
You know, that's a great question, Tina. You know, I've been asked by Colin Powell to negotiate a West Bank peace treaty with the King of Jordan, Bashar Al-assad. excuse me, but I believe Al-assad is the Prime Minister of Syria, not Jordan. Well, Tina, if that's true, I'm truly sorry. You know, of course, I'm only human. I'm born to make mistakes. You know, when you're on a sold-out tour of terror, it makes you a bearer of terror, saying a prayer to be fairer would stop these terror errors from the West Bank.
Geraldo Rivera, Fox News. Geraldo Rivera, everybody. |
dropout | hardly_working_grease | Sir accidentally hit me. You okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just bleeding a little bit. I'm fine. Oh!
Let's take it from the top. I'm sorry. No, you're not. It's fine, though. Let's take it from the top. All right. Everybody from the top, and action.
Sorry. I'm really sorry.
Ah! You don't get to speak to me, okay? From the top. You sure?
We can get someone to replace you. Look, I don't want anyone to replace me. This is my idea, so I'd really like to please just...
You know, you don't have to punch anymore. No more punching, just kick. Kick as high as you want.
Just... from the top, okay? Okay, I'm really sorry, though. Okay. Don't apologize to me. It's making me angry. Okay, then. From the top.
Wababoo!
Good? Uh, I couldn't say anything, but yeah, that sounded... Alright, that's a wrap!
Ooh! |
dropout | gifts_that_are_clearly_for_yourself_hardly_working | As the holiday party got underway and Jack Frost brought winter to bear, Grant still couldn't help wondering about the true meaning of Christmas. Alright, more of a wrap than a rock, but, you know, Christmas. So, when's the rest of the office gonna get here, right?
We didn't invite him. What? You rented out this whole bar just for us? Yeah, we got this, we got a bunch of billiard stables.
No, no, no, that's such a waste of money. Guys, I know we said that we were not gonna exchange gifts this year, but I couldn't help myself. Ow, it happened on the phone! Giving gifts is the true meaning of Christmas.
Yes. Really? Yeah, this and consumerism eating us alive. Allie, give it a rest. Thank you so much! Uh, wait, I... I just got this, this exact same slow cooker like a week ago. Oh, really? That stinks, that really stinks. Wait, you were saying that you really wanted to get one. Yeah, yeah, I guess I was. Uh, dude, just have this one.
Yeah! That's perfect, right? This is the Christmas spirit. Yeah!
Oh, wow! Wow!
This is perfect, because people keep throwing my laptop around. Yes. Oh, I think it's a little too small for my computer though. You know, if you give me the receipt, I can just go exchange it.
Dang!
The store... closed. Best buys? Yeah, dang! All the best buys?
Dang, they're all gone. Uh, so sorry. Uh, I guess I'll just have to take it back.
Sure, yeah. All right. Uh, I guess it'll fit your computer better than mine anyway. You agree?
Beard shampoo. Oh! I'm an idiot, you don't have a beard.
I don't. You can't even grow one. I can't. Because of your weak face. I'm so sorry. Hey, Raph, you're not just getting us gifts only you can use on purpose, right? Absolutely not.
Hey, Katie! Oh, wow!
What a cool hat. Yeah, I'll definitely use this. That looks great! Doesn't it look good on me? Yeah, that could be like your thing. Okay. No, that does not work for you. You look awful. It feels great on my head, and I'm going to keep it.
Wait a minute, let me see. God, no! It looks even worse when I can see it. Look, it has mesh on it.
That's not going to protect you from the sun, don't you have lupus? I don't know why you'd bring that up. Yeah, I have lupus.
I have to take it back. I'm so bad at this.
Great, uh...
Doll polish? Yeah, for your doll. I don't have a doll. Am I the only one with a doll? Mm-hmm. None of you has a doll. We don't have dolls. It's the weirder thing to have a doll.
I guess I have to take it back. Grant. Now, why would I want a replacement part for your glasses? If you're going to be rude, I'm just going to take it back. Katie, you're up again.
Black skin, white masks, a guide for only black men. You clearly bought this for yourself. I thought you were interested in broadening your horizon. It says only black men. I'm not a black man.
I can't even look at this.
Grant. You made a donation in my name to the Raphael Chestang Foundation. It is a really good foundation. It finds every Raphael Chestang across the globe and gives him financial independence. You donated to yourself. I can't help it if I'm the only Raphael Chestang. That's the name of the foundation. Raf, this is ridiculous.
None of these gifts were actually for us. Yeah, you can buy stuff for yourself. Just don't call them gifts for us. I'm sorry, guys. I just grew up not having enough money to buy myself gifts. So now that I have enough, it's all I want to do is buy myself gifts. I hope you can forgive me.
Wow. Shut up. You're such a fucking selfish guy. You don't have jobs. |
dropout | who_s_the_real_cop_ch_shorts | You know, impersonating a police officer is a serious crime. Yeah. That's why I arrested you for it. Nice try. But I have proof. Just a batch for you?
Now I suggest you call a lawyer. What do you need a lawyer for if you're innocent?
What? No, no. I'm the cop. Right?
This isn't a time for games, son. You're gonna go away for a long time. Look, if you just admit to it now, I can try to get you a reduced sentence. But if not, I can't help you. Stop it.
What are you doing?
I'm playing Good Cop. Good Cop's time is up.
Why don't you go make yourself a cup of coffee? Hey! Get back here. Hey!
You're out of control! You're running around here like a live wire! You can't tell me what to do! I've been on this force for 20 years! Why are you listening to him? You're not careful. I'm gonna send you into early retirement. You want me out of here?
Yeah! Hey! He's right where you are. Okay, easy. You got me.
I'm a dirty undercover cop. Narcotics.
Look what dropped off the bag of Santa's sleigh. I knew I should have patted you down earlier. Consider it an early Christmas bonus.
Get that away from me. You know, if you don't take it, I can't trust you. I'm not a real cop. I need backup. I have a suspect who's armed and dangerous. I need my own backup.
Oh! Freeze! What's going on? I can't tell who's real! Congratulations! I was running a secret investigation to smoke out the rat in this unit, and you just blew my cover! Freeze!
Hey!
Knock it off! Whatever the hell's going on in here has got to stop! Now, I'm a little confused about exactly what's happening, so I'm just going to say, hand in your badge. You never do that again. You're a disgrace to the force. You're going away for a long time, and I'm getting too old for this shit!
Hi, I'm Raphael from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And if you could just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD.
Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
cracked | 3_scientific_reasons_everyone_loves_the_rock | Good God almighty, that's Alex Schmidt's music! Alex Schmidt is here!
I bet you like this, King! Wayne The Rock Johnson is the most popular person who's ever lived, and popular in more powerful ways than you've ever realized. Yes, you. What's your name? It doesn't matter what your name is.
Reason number one, The Rock perfected violence as fun. Our brains are wired to love fiction and seek out violence within that. There's lots of theories why. My favorite is Yale psychologist Paul Bloom's theory. He suggests violent fiction presents us with exotic cases that are useful practice for bad times, exercising our psyches for when life goes to hell. Either way, The Rock deserves the biggest head on violent, fun Mount Rushmore, a mountain I encourage you to Photoshop.
While The Rock won 17 championship belts and set attendance, ratings, and pay-per-view records doing it, Dwayne the Actor Johnson helped dozens of movies gross almost $6 billion. And 96% of those movies featured violence, which is great because this is America and we miss fun violence. Our era of action stars is over.
The Rock can't not be popular. He's Hulk Hogan and Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's the Bo Jackson of dopamine. And The Rock is more fun than all those guys because, number two, he's the first star who wants us to reach his level.
Most megastars are untouchable. They're famous because we could never be them. So we sat there in awe when Arnold Schwarzenegger became a Greek god, and Will Smith defeated space aliens, and Tom Cruise became a space alien. But awe-inspiring and likable are two different things.
Unless you're The Rock. Because The Rock shows us he lived on this level, and then he got to that level. And he sends the world daily encouragement for unstrapping our own version of that fanny pack. And The Rock doesn't charge his fans' money for general fitness tips.
He gives away his workout routine, and his seven meal a day codfish eating routine, and his legendary aversion to candy, which he somehow doesn't even brag about. I'm just not a big candy guy.
He's also made two entire reality shows devoted to self-improvement. You're on your way to becoming the great man that you were born to be. Built an alarm clock app because you're not waking up to enough motivation.
Find a land that's mackin' down. This is Dwayne Johnson, and I approve this message. And officiated my buddy's wedding, because, yeah, he rules.
And I know all this stuff could be savvy self-promotion. I know there's no way to tell if anyone actually cares about anyone. We're all ships in the night of varying builds. But The Rock was smart enough, for whatever reason, to help us become him. Kinda didn't need to. Because, here's the rock bottom of this list. Number three, we are all wrestlers now. Because we all use social media.
But way back in the ancient olden times of the mid-1990s, people were themselves, and wrestlers were freaks. Freaks who created a perfect awesome bragging version of themselves, and pretended to be that in the ring. Except for the occasional movie role, or Minnesota-based pasta restaurant, wrestlers lived as two distinct people, their ring self and grocery shopping self. And they were unique for doing that.
But then, social media happened. By 3.45 a.m., The Rock was sending out his morning tweet to the millions. Dwayne The Rock Johnson took over entertainment, as social media took over life. When he became the People's Champion, we became bloggers. When he reached wrestling's pinnacle, and started to be a Hollywood leading man, we were setting up our profiles. And while he thrived as both a Dwayne and a Rock, as a human being and a perfect awesome bragging version of himself, we projected a perfect awesome bragging version of ourselves on every social media platform Silicon Valley can invent. Because we want to seem awesome online, so we broadcast a planned highlight reel of ourselves.
That's not actually true, except that it all did happen, kind of. And The Rock does that as much as anybody. Which person are you being in that, Dwayne slash The Rock? And which person are you being? Everyone else on Instagram, I see those filters. That's why everyone of us relates to, and therefore likes, The Rock. Because we're all two people these days.
The only difference is, our wrestling ring is Facebook, and the fighting is nastier. Anyway, I'm going to post this to my profile real quick. Caption, can you smell what the Schmidt is filming? Great. And then from here, I'm just going to carry on dozens of arguments with random Facebook strangers. So, thanks for watching. Please be a wrestler about this on social media. Also if you have any like social media wrestling moves to throw at us, leave it in the comments. For example, the People's Block, the Humblebrag Suplex, the Walls of Jarek post. |
cracked | what_movies_get_wrong_about_bdsm_relationships | Now I'm going to cause you pain, not because I want to derive pleasure from fulfilling your genuine desire of relinquishing control just because I was abused as a kid and this is all a way of taking revenge against the women who hurt me. This is BDSM! You're kind of scaring me and giving me zero reasons to trust you, but you're also super hot, so I'll go along with it while we work on your obsession with BDSM.
Turn it off!
Hi, I'm Vicki, and to us, movies like Fifty Shades of Grey are almost horror flicks because of how much they misconstrue and demonize our lifestyle. Hi, my name is Steve, and the two of us are in a 24-7 master-slave BDSM relationship, technically similar to the one you, though more likely your mom, saw in Fifty Shades of Grey, but nowhere near as, well, abusive.
Take a moment to imagine your favorite high school teacher being spanked with a paddle while wearing a ball gag. Actually, with how little money teachers make nowadays, chances are yours might actually have an OnlyFans, so you may not need to imagine it. Good lord, Mrs. Sullivan, I give that ass a D for damn!
It might seem weird to you in the beginning, but you can probably understand it if it's an occasional once-in-a-while thing. After all, everyone likes pain sometimes. Hell, spicy food is painful. So is a really hot bath. But once it becomes a non-stop thing, most vanilla people start wondering why do we feel the need to introduce an entire aisle of Home Depot into the bedroom.
A full-time BDSM lifestyle is fundamentally not about the toys and the pain, but about the emotional bond. It's a form of consensual non-consent where someone, namely me, will consent to allowing someone else to do almost anything they want to them. On the surface it can sound pretty terrifying, but consensual non-consent is not something people take lightly. Everybody involved needs to have absolute trust in each other so that nobody ends up with any permanent damage. You wouldn't do it with just anybody. That's a word you'll hear over and over again in long-term BDSM relationships, trust. BDSM and love are one and the same, because both are built on a foundation of trust. Yeah, having a relinquishing total power over someone can be kind of scary, but that's part of the relationship adventure for us.
Like going to IKEA together. Only in BDSM, all your pent-up emotions may eventually lead to some pretty awesome sex. Now there's a new marketing slogan for you. IKEA. Like BDSM without the awesome sex.
One of the things that Fifty Shades got half right is the existence of contracts between dominant and submissive partners. The only problem is that, in the movie, it's presented as an ultimatum for Anna. She either signs it or loses Christian. It feels too much like manipulation. Also it looks like Christian put the contract together with an actual lawyer, and you know that must have ruined that guy's day.
I went to Harvard for this. Other than that, yeah. BDSM contracts work like you saw in the film. They can cover a wide range of things. Protocol, how to dress, how to talk and behave, what's expected from a sub in a household both domestic and sexually, it's actually nothing too extreme.
Of course it's all symbolic and not legally binding, and probably sounds silly to those in non-BDSM relationships, but all symbols are nonsense to those who don't understand the meaning behind them. It's like the only reason we don't consider expensive diamond engagement rings weird is because marketers for a giant diamond company spent millions convincing us otherwise. Huh, maybe that's why some BDSM lifers use collars instead of rings. People in BDSM and regular, think buying a dildo is the kinkiest thing ever relationships aren't all that different. We fight, we cry, we laugh, and when we find that special someone, we want to put a ring on it. Only with the BDSM crowd, it can often mean their partner's neck. Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes! Essentially a collar can be the BDSM equivalent of a wedding ring. There's a lot of ritual associated with them.
That's right. Oh my god, are you Spider-Woman? Man I wish. No, I'm Julie Fennell, an associate professor of sociology at Gallaudet University with specializations in gender and sexuality. I've published several academic articles on the American pansexual BDSM subculture, as well as the 2022 book Please Scream Quietly. Mind if I hang around and talk more about collars? Please.
These collars are basically sacred objects to people in BDSM relationships. Outsiders are not supposed to touch them without permission. The submissive's body is sort of owned by the dominant partner, and the submissive is seen as giving them that control by putting on the collar. I was at a collaring ceremony that took place at a consecrated dungeon at a pagan BDSM event once.
It's very much like a regular wedding.
And as you can see, we aren't talking about pink leather numbers with spikes and slut written on them. Though we do also own one of those, and I look amazing in it. But for ceremonies, the main type of collar we use is a very polished, thick band of metal.
They lock via a special key and cannot be removed without it. Lifestylers that take their collars very seriously can refuse to remove them even for airport security.
I mean, I don't do that because I don't have a fetish for getting groped by annoyed civil servants, but some folks might. There are people in long term BDSM relationships all around you, whether you know it or not. In between tying each other to racks and chaining one another up until we accidentally cosplay Marley from A Christmas Carol, we do regular stuff, like shop and keep house. To be clear, while long term BDSM couples often have day collars suitable for wearing in public, they usually tend to also have kinky ones for use in private. All that being said, it's super important to recognize that the vast majority of those kind of BDSM relationships are almost comically vanilla, in the sense that most of the ones that last long term are more based around service than they are around masochism. In other words, a sub in a long term BDSM relationship spends a lot less time in a gimp suit than they spend making their Dom or Mast or breakfast or cleaning the house for them. Elaborate dungeon play sessions are too exhausting to be the core of a long term relationship. Not that people haven't tried doing long term BDSM relationships that are all whips and no conversation. I'm not saying it's impossible, but the idea of engaging in BDSM without love makes no sense to me. And love grows out of doing boring everyday things together. I do know a lot of couples that try to just stick to BDSM without emotions or entanglements.
To that I say... Ha! Good luck with that! |
cracked | 12_19_07_news_on_cracked_jamie_lynn_spears_baby_clemens | It's Wednesday, December 19th, 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and to recap, it's Wednesday, December 19th, 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm glad we got that straight.
Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant in news that comes as a shock to absolutely no one familiar with the Spears family. What is shocking, however, is that the fetus is also pregnant, Britney herself is the father and that ultrasounds have not already publicized the youngest Spears' genitalia for all the world to see.
Atlanta is now America's bank robbery capital. FBI reports show that a bank is robbed in Atlanta nearly every day. Residents are advised to use a different goddamn bank.
Why would they keep... I don't know. Roger Anabolic Clemmons yesterday denied allegations that he used steroids. Clemmons told reporters, Steroids bad! He then threw three of the reporters into the ceiling before making his exit by smashing a hole in the wall with his bare hands. And I mean literally bare hands.
Jimmy Kimmel is joining Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien in returning to the airwaves in January. Reached for comment, Kimmel told the News on Cracked, I still have a show? I don't just sit around all day banging Sarah Silverman and wishing I had Adam Carolla's figure? Cool! We agree, Jimmy.
The Indian teacher has been arrested for using electric shocks to discipline his students. Students in the classroom were reportedly shocked.
Which I just told you. Yeah. We'll pass on that one. The Oscars will be without writers this year, as the Writers Guild of America won't authorize its members to step over the picket lines for the award show. This news is surprising, because we always thought the Oscars were written by a team of semi-literate monkeys. And as everyone knows, monkeys have yet to unionize. It's what differentiates us from them. But fret not, Oscars. Here at the News on Cracked, our writers have an inspirational slogan that we use to help us get through the tough times. And it just might help you, too. It's, we write award shows when the Writers Guild of America won't. |
TheOnion | last_bastion_of_u_s_economy_succumbs_to_pancreatic_cancer | The last bastion of the U.S. economy succumbs to pancreatic cancer. A man receives the first ever baboon face transplant, and this bowling birthday party enters its fifth agonizing hour. The future of news as we know it glows incandescently before you. This is the Onion Week in Review.
A Rasmussen poll reveals that nearly all American voters share a deep fear of botching another election, with most voters admitting that selecting candidates for public office is something they're historically just not particularly good at. I really hope I don't completely fuck things up as usual, but you never know. Things do happen. According to the poll, three-quarters of voters said Election Day panic would cause them to base their vote entirely on hearsay, while 93 percent acknowledged that they only recognized names of local candidates from signs along state highways.
In Cedar Rapids, Iowa, stunned friends and acquaintances expressed shock and disbelief when a body found in the woods turned out not to be Justin. Local residents found the naked corpse draped over a tree stump Saturday, and as news spread many found themselves struggling to comprehend how it wasn't Justin lying dead in the forest. I heard the news, and I still can't come around to it. I just can't imagine that it's not Justin there lying dead in the woods. Are they absolutely sure it's not him? Friends and family are still urging authorities to double-check the body, or at the very least bring in Justin as a suspect.
Between the fourth and fifth plates of his 10-course tasting menu dinner, Cole Strauss media group CEO Tom Byatt told a colleague that layoffs are necessary to keep the lights on. Look, it's far from an ideal situation, but we have to cut corners somewhere. It's a reality of our business model. Excuse me, waitress? Byatt justified the cutbacks shortly before the waiter arrived with a $110 model of Chateau Fijac. In science news, a new study finds a link between cancer and reading text on computer screens, adding that tumor development rates double when subjects also encounter moving video. In other news, President Obama is not sure how to handle an actual compliment, a brutal reality check turns three, and an Apple employee is acting like his fucking dad died or something. Sometimes the world seems so dark and cold, I wonder what the point of it all is. For more news, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
cracked | 5_terrible_movies_based_on_toy_franchises_that_never_saw_the_light_of_day_canonball | Emily drew it. She loved the story of me being found at my mom's doorstep.
The Barbie movie, as we know it, almost didn't happen. Mattel plowed through a laundry list of writers, directors, and stars for a decade. At one point, it was an Amy Schumer vehicle with a, quote, girl-boss feminist twist that fell through because of... Was it that it didn't feel feminist and cool when you were involved in it? It was a little...
Yes! Right. The truth is, the landscape of toy-to-movie adaptations is littered with tiny plastic corpses, like the icy, open-air graveyard that is Mount Everest. Ah! You sunk my battleship! And today, we're doing inventory on the most tragic casualties of toy-company ambition. This is Cannonball.
Number five, Ridley Scott's Monopoly. As originally envisioned, this was going to be a futuristic, Blade Runner-esque satire directed by Ridley Scott.
Sir, fuck you. fuck you, thank you very much. fuck you. Go fuck yourself.
Picture this, a Manhattan real estate bro who sucks at his job but is great at Monopoly, gets Jumanjied into the game and has to face off against the evil Parker Brothers. Hasbro wanted to go heavy on the gameplay, focusing on everybody's favorite part of Monopoly, rolling the dice. Scott tried to convince them that the cool part of their game is how it transforms game night into a civil war, but they weren't having it and the plan fell through.
Most recently, Kevin Hart has been threatening to produce and star in a Monopoly film of some sort, but no solid details have really emerged. Number four, Adam Sandler's Candy Land. In 2012, Adam Sandler nearly teamed up with Robert Smigel, better known as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, to whip up a movie about Candy Land. Columbia Pictures' announcement held some hints that this shit was never going to happen. Specifically, they referred to it as a family adventure film for kids and families everywhere.
Okay buddy, good luck getting a family comedy out of this guy. And this guy. On the other hand, look at Gloppy.
You can already hear that signature Sandler gibberish dribbling out of his goopy maw. In 2014, that big Sony hack revealed that the head of Sony Pictures called Sandler, quote, an ass-hile for demanding $200 million to make the film. Sandler later signed an exclusive deal with Netflix and the whole thing fell apart.
Gloppy had to die so that Hubie Halloween might live. A fair trade if you ask me.
Number three, Paul Feig's Play-Doh Movie. Feig is the guy behind Freaks and Geeks, so I'm guessing this movie would have been something like watching Mr. Bill struggle mightily to lose his virginity. Fox originally announced this as a live-action movie. A live-action Play-Doh movie. Feig was able to convince them that their movie about Clay should be Claymation.
Now the good news is, he says it's in heavy development. The bad news? That's actually not good news at all. That's a diplomatic way of saying it's stuck in purgatory and will probably never get made.
Play-Doh is the only item on this list that isn't gluten-free, but it's not the only edible toy we'll be covering. Number two, Danny DeVito's Stretch Armstrong. Stretch Armstrong is filled with corn syrup, by the way. You could probably make a nice jam with his guts in a pinch.
Disney bought the movie rights to Stretch Armstrong in 1994, but they hated every script that came their way that relied on slapstick jokes about stretchy extremities. What they wanted was, quote, a Tim Allen kind of single dad. Depending on the year, that might mean America's favorite goofball, conservative pearl-clutcher, or drug-dealing snitch. Anyway, in this version, a dork-ass dad basically nutty professors himself, becomes stretchy and hilarity ensues. Tim Allen wasn't interested, but you know who was? Danny DeVito. But DeVito turned it down when they said they couldn't make a Stretch Armstrong movie starring Danny DeVito without making any jokes about his height.
It went through a few more iterations, starring either Taylor Lautner or Jackie Chan. In one version, Stretch was a superhero who would, yuck, stretch the limits of what was possible to become all that he can be. Then there was a more self-serious version that sounds kind of like if James Bond became the mask. And in the last known version, a man named Lucas Armstrong is a gritty action hero, pit against life-or-death consequences, which I'm guessing means, like, the microwave? Most consequences mean death for the world's squishiest, most fragile action figure.
Nerf. Nerf is on the short list of toy movies that have been manically declared in development in the wake of Barbie. I'm going to level with you here. There are exactly zero details about this movie. All we really know for sure is that it won't be as legendary as it could be. And that's because a Brooklyn Nine-Nine writer, who goes by Van the Brand on Twitter, already pitched the perfect idea. And they turned it down. He described his premise in a viral tweet. Get a rock, a Hemsworth, any action star. Hire a great action director and do a normal action movie. But every weapon's a Nerf weapon. Never address it and play it all straight. If Barbie, as a concept, represents the utopian society we could all be living in, if only women and men were given the same opportunities from childhood, then Nerf is about how fucking sick it would be if you could just light people up and it didn't hurt and no one got in trouble.
What's up, guys? Jesse here. Thanks for watching Cannonball. Make sure to like and subscribe and let me know the absolute most batch of kids' toys and board games that might just be the next Barbie. Come on, who's starring in the Yahtzee movie? Or like, is Chris Pratt going to voice that weird little water sleeve we all got at the Scholastic Book Fair and didn't wrap around our tiny little...
Going to jail. |
cracked | adult_jokes_you_missed_in_nickelodeon_s_rugrats_canonball | If you were a kid during the reign of Nickelodeon, chances are you watched an incredible amount of The Rugrats. It was a massive success and was Nickelodeon's longest running show until that dandy, wet, freak SpongeBob SquarePants came along. If you're somehow unfamiliar, here's a quick breakdown. It was a show that followed a group of babies, all of whom seemed to have some sort of pituitary gland issue that caused them to be covered in uneven growths. Honestly, I have no idea how it got so popular. I have not ever since and will never see a show so focused on featuring illustrated human gums. If I wanted to see the inside of a mouth that clearly, I would have listened to my parents and become a dentist. Despite the roster of body horror babies, Rugrats was a cultural phenomenon, birthing nine seasons, movies, video games, a veritable diapie full of profitable shit.
Says a thousand things. Let's get some bitch**. Oh, he's never said that before.
But for a show meant for children starring babies, they occasionally included some notably adult jokes. Now look, I'm not acting shocked that kids cartoons can have humor for the parents too. That's nothing new. I'm not stupid, okay? God, you really are just like my parents.
A couple of Rugrats gags though went beyond the sometimes my parents do a funny dance in bed with the lights out sort of thing and into subjects that I wouldn't recommend bringing up at even a full-sized grown-up dinner table occupied by reasonable middle-aged humans. We're getting into a few times Rugrats used their sticky little fingers to push the envelope. This is Cannonball. First, let's take a look at a quick gesture made by Stu Pickles that, with two seconds of airtime, opens up a wormhole that suggests the Rugrat elders are all aware of and entertaining a lavender marriage between the parents of twins Phil and Lil.
Now, cartoons hinting at the sexual proclivities of the characters is nothing new. Just look at every Disney villain. Or the fact that we were supposed to pretend Maud Flanders wasn't doming Ned every night. It's just usually done with a little more subtlety.
Howard's off in the woods somewhere with his male bonding group. Yeah, he just all but said Howard, the husband of Betty DeVille, was out in the woods doing the two-man tango.
All with a vulgar hand movement that suggests both a lack of subtlety and a basic misunderstanding of gay sex. I didn't mean to make that into a vagina. Quick and strange enough that no kid would ever pick up on it. Well, every adult now had a mental image of Howard DeVille dodging police flashlights in search of a little bush-bound coitus.
Not to mention that it suggests the entire parent group are gossiping about the fact that Phil and Lil's parents are clearly closeted homosexuals. Just in case it wasn't clear enough, the line immediately before is Stu's friend, Randy Carmichael, describing the DeVilles as, Those are friends of yours. Just in case there was any doubt, when the series was rebooted, Betty was canonically revealed to be a lesbian.
She's also now a single mother, so who knows where Howard is in this scenario. Hopefully he's happy on a stallion's dose of ketamine in a Bushwick loft. Follow your truth, Howard.
But hey, even if it wasn't exactly a moment of perfect allyship from Stu, it's understandable that they stuck to winks and signals given that this was airing in 1991. If they wanted to tackle gay parenting in an afternoon cartoon, there weren't a lot of perfect ways to do it. The next joke was one that definitely did not need to be made.
It's from the Rugrats movie and is unexpected enough to come off as strange in a scene that is already a bunch of babies with adult voices in a maternity ward breaking into song. Imagine being one of those voice actors and being told, We think you're perfect to play an infant. You respond, Do you want me to change my voice?
And they're like, absolutely not. But that's just weird, not disconcerting.
That comes from one baby's line a little later in the song. Oh, consider yourself lucky. Yes, that is indeed a baby that sounds a little like Rodney Dangerfield, seemingly lamenting his circumcision. First of all, this line violates one of the most important rules in all of TV writing. Don't make people imagine a baby penis, especially not 10 minutes into a movie they're at with their children. It doesn't help that circumcision is like a topic purpose built to ruin any conversation. If all goes well, the amount of times you've had to discuss or consider it in your life should be countable on one hand. And we've now ruined your chances of you're welcome. And to that deep voice baby Mazel tov, or my condolences, depending on your worldview, I guess. Speaking of tough decisions to make, let's move on to the final and darkest theme introduced in an offhand line in the baby show for children.
It's from the first half of episode 11 of season three home movie. Stu is attempting to have a viewing party of his home movies, something that his parents in law and friends are honestly being straight up assholes about. There is something worse than a hostile buyout Jonathan, I'm about to watch my brother-in-law's home movie. Look, we've all sat through a YouTube video somebody else is making you watch.
Maybe you're doing it right now. You just grin and bear it and think about all the life on the other side of those three minutes. I only got so much time left.
Stu's father-in-law goes as far as to fake a heart attack to escape his fate. So a minute or two later, when Stu finally gets the projector working, no child probably thought anything of him calling his doctor. The only people that were about to be caught majorly unaware were adults who recognized the name of the doctor he called.
Dr. Kevorkian. Yeah, he calls a Dr. Kevorkian, as in Dr. Jack Kevorkian, a doctor most well known for helping over 130 of his patients commit assisted suicide. He spent years in jail for second degree murder for delivering a lethal injection to a patient, Thomas Yuke, which was videotaped and later aired on 60 minutes.
That was in 1998, five years after this episode aired. So this wasn't some throwback joke to a historical figure. There was a nationwide debate about the morals of human euthanasia, and Rugrats decided it was a perfect reference for their Nickelodeon cartoon, where the plot is usually something like buying yucky cereal. It's a real Ouroboros-ass nature of existence. Without death, there is no life inclusion for a two-second gang.
Honestly though, good bit, Grandpa. Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. I've been Jesse. Now don't forget to like and subscribe and get into a knockdown, drag-out fight about circumcision down in the comments. It's all engagement to the algorithm gods, baby. |
cracked | practical_effects_that_look_like_cgi | I wanna show you some scenes that look like CGI, but they actually aren't. First up, Alien. I know this gave everyone nightmares as a kid. Space Odyssey, always thought this was a pen on a string. Turns out it's not. You know, I read the description of this one and I still don't get it that much, but it is, it's practical and that's what matters. Come on, American Werewolf in London. They spent so long on this shot and it was just two minutes. Of course, got the Oscar for it, so it was all worth it. This one surprised me a little bit, okay? Independence Day used both CGI and practical effects and this one was practical. The secret is it was a model of the city.
Hook, one of my favorite movies of all time, so they did not use any CGI for this. It was Robin Williams, R.I.P., flying over a painting of Never Never Land. Back to the Future Part Two made this seamless transition using a lamppost. Another one of my all-time favorite movies, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? They shot the entire movie live action, printed it and had an animator draw over it by hand, frame by frame. |
dropout | the_super_bowl_isn_t_about_football | We got beer, we got wings, we got dips a-plenty, let's Super Bowl! Grant, why aren't you in juice? It's the Super Bowl. Oh, I only watched the Super Bowl for the football.
Ugh, you're one of those. I'm sorry, I just, the rest of this is so boring.
Grant, the Super Bowl is the biggest day of the year for commercialism. Get excited! Grant, do you not understand that the most powerful brands in America are locked in an all-out brawl for your money? Grant, please don't be a spoilsport and sit there moping around during the best part. The corporate pandering. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up! It's starting!
We are knights and we drink light beer. Light beer is our favorite here.
Holy shit! Oh my god! Did you see that? That was incredible. I didn't even have light beer back then! I mean, that came out of nowhere!
That's the new standard in luxury. Almond butter Reese's are creamy.
Hey, hey! Where are you going?
I'm just gonna have to rest.
During the commercials? Who does now? Guys, I'm sorry. I just, I didn't watch commercials much when I was a kid so I don't really know what's going on.
Alright, I got you. I will explain. Okay, so these are brands and they're trying to get here, which is your bank account. What's that? Oh, that's the defense.
This is your sense of financial responsibility and this is your general lack of interest in the products. In the back is the safety, which is your innate knowledge that no matter what products you buy, you will remain fundamentally unhappy and one day die alone.
Right, and now the brands have to get around all of that to score. Moves and reactions, tactics. And it's interesting, but does capitalism have to be so violent?
Oh, that's, that's way overblown. Just a bad reputation. Seems like every year I hear about more and more people that have depression and emotional problems because of credit card injuries.
If capitalism were dangerous, would they let high school kids do it? I mean, that's probably because it's how it's always been done. Tradition getting in the way of change, you know?
Oh wow, Grant. We missed the ads. It's high. Quick stop at the 22. Now back to the ad.
All right, there we go. This is the one day a year you hear about GoDaddy.com. Oh, yeah! That's what it's about, man.
Ads with friends. I like commercials that give me a bow in my mouth.
Papa John's blew it. So here comes Little Caesars. Pizza, pizza, am I right?
That's, that's the Hall of Fame right there.
Everyone's a pussy but you. Buy a Ford.
Oh yeah! That's what I'm talking about. Oh, get to the game! What?
Grant, come on! They're about to announce the winner of the Doritos Do Our Work For Us contest. Grant, you're gonna love it. Doritos makes its fans make their own commercials, and then they play the best one during the game. Well, that sounds like it takes advantage of people's skills and undervalues labor.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.
And as a football fan, I love that. Hey! We found some common ground here. I knew we'd get you. Alright.
Hey, what do you guys think will happen when a player inevitably dies on the field? Huh?
Our desks do that. It's on the Hollywood baby, you know? Oh, that's as high as it goes. |
dropout | all_nighter_09_special_brownies | Hey! That's not how it goes, it's... Hey! Hey guys, who wants some special brownies? Oh yeah! I'm nice right now! I'm brownies!
Oh man, you guys, I think I'm already feeling it. Me too. Oh my god. Everything is warm.
I feel like my body is made of water. Does anybody else feel like their tongue is getting bigger? No, I'm feeling it. My throat feels like it's falling asleep, like it's legit tingly.
You guys, we went there. Where? To the moon. We went to the moon.
You guys, I'm getting hives! I'm getting hives! Oh my god, I'm so hives right now. No, I'm getting hives and my thumbs! I can't feel my thumbs!
God damn it, Jake, how much pot are you putting in these special brownies? Pot? Why did I ruin my special brownie recipe with pot? Well, if there's no pot in them, why are they special brownies?
They were made with love. Like a fucking spaceship?
And peanut dust. I'm alerting to peanuts!
Everyone just relax your bones, okay? Sarah, Jake said there's no pot in these brownies. You're not high.
I know! I've been smoking this huge blunt for like 20 minutes, okay? Where have you been? Ah! Whoa. That was close. Whoa, Pat! Are you okay? I'm allergic to love. Also, I'm high. Paid for by the American Walnut Council. Walnuts. Yeah, you heard of them? Oh! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Soft_Cock_Albo_Appoints_A_New_Governor_General_Good_Coffee_Finally_Arrives_In_ | Clancy overall in the booth, Errol Parker in the booth, Wendell Hussey in the booth.
Hello. Bit going on in the world. Yeah. God willing we get through it Clancy. Eastern states are getting a bit wet. Finally. It's coming down. We've got a new shirt that's about to drop. Well.
Is it worth mentioning? We're waiting. It's worth mentioning like you'll have to look out for it. It's actually going to be dropped in our newsletter which if you haven't joined our newsletter probably too late at the moment considering this will probably go out later this afternoon. But you can get onto our newsletter by chasing the link in our bio or going to Facebook and looking back at a post I did on Thursday night at about 9, 8 o'clock I'd say. And then just going down that link. And it's a very exclusive club to get into. Yeah.
I'll tell you what though because the people that we have serving ads on our website at the moment are doing a fucking cunt of a job. Never in my life have I seen such ads. And for fuck all money too. Well it's all the more reason to jump on the. We're just going to have to fuck them off. All the more reason to jump on the newsletter. Fucking pain in the ass. I was particularly disappointed about the, some of the ads are quite misleading as well.
Grow your cock eight inches. Well there are no milfs within five kilometres of the mouth.
No, but I get ads for Teemu saying these are anti-fatigue ladies shoes. So you can see what I've been looking at on Teemu. Anti-fatigue? Yeah, no like anti-fatigue shoes are made for people like chefs, nurses, teachers, people who have to spend a lot of time on their feet. There's just some added padding to help you get through the day. There's some nice like decorative little kind of ornaments that look like cymbals as well. I get a lot of ads for them.
You got your new phone today from Teemu. Have you put all of our company passwords into your phone yet or what? Yeah, no, it's a funny old phone.
It doesn't have a, the English in it isn't very good. So I don't, I can't use. Are you sure it's your English or the phone's English? No, I think it's broken English. Broken English.
Are you doing the dumb phone thing? Are you going back to the Nokia's or whatever or have you just got another iPhone? No, no, no, I need pictures.
Fair enough. Anyway, what else has gone on? Actually been a busy week in the news, but not a lot of stuff that we can talk about. No, isn't that just like, that just boils my piss when there's some big story in the fucking news and you just know that as soon as you go near it, you will just get fucking pegged by Sue Chrisanthew as soon as you press fucking publish.
One day we'll have a legal team. We can go near it. We're more than allowed to go near it. Yeah, I know.
Yes, but it comes with the pegging and no, I don't want to get pegged, especially on a Friday. The financial pegging as well is probably not worth the play. You get pegged from the front and back.
What's in the news that we can talk about young fella? We can talk about politics and the headline on this first story is about the soft cock prime minister appointing a governor general who hasn't even completed basic weapons training. It's disgraceful. Yes, for the first time in a decade, the governor general of Australia will not be a former member of the Australian military top brass. Samantha Mostyn will be Australia's 28th governor general and the second woman to hold the position after Queensland's own Quinton Bryce briefly held the position when that soft cock Kevin Rudd snuck her in amongst the retired army colonels that take the reins whenever the liberal party is in power. That's right, but prime minister Albanese, he's done it again and he's aware that he is facing a wave of criticism for appointing some random civilian to this position as effectively a head of state or at least the person that communicates with a head of state. The appointee on top of the lack of basic weapons training is alleged to have never once opened fire on another human being. However, Albanese has tried to make a point of her being from a prominent military family and also having heaps of experience as a CEO and board member and all that kind of shit. Have we figured out what the governor general does yet? They sack, on behalf of the CIA, they will sack a reforming labour government prime minister when he starts doing a bit too much stuff that kind of, you know, might spread elsewhere in the anglo-sphere.
Right, but given current circumstances, they do nothing then? They get to the foreseeable future, won't they?
Admiralty house in Sydney, that's like, that's the one that's on it. Where's that? It's, you know, you've got Kirribilli house and you've got Admiralty house. Kirribilli's tucked around a corner a bit, Admiralty house is on a point.
They're often confused. They get to live in a government house in Canberra, which is quite nice. So they get a mad house and a good position and they don't have to do anything. Well, they also have to swear in ministers or in the case of Scott Morrison, swear in multiple ministers in different roles. Also, they host parties that are kind of anti-vaxxer, well, not anti-vaxxer, but they were kind of like freedom movement parties.
And that last bloke's missus used to sing. What else is in the news? Anyway, it's good work for Sam Mostyn, if you can get it now. We have some good news from a neighbouring town of ours.
Good Coffee has finally arrived in the bush as town's first homosexuals open a cafe called The Hub. Yes, huge news for the remote and stoic community if you want to go, cunt. Just a couple of hours from here, residents of the 8,000 strong shire on the Queensland-New South Wales border are now able to enjoy a decent coffee for the first time in history. Previously running on Macona International Roast and that cheap Italian flag-looking espresso shit from Woolies that gets drained into 500ml of warm milk, You Want to Go, Cunt is now proudly serving lattes, flat whites and proper cappuccinos. Yes, Bruce and Julian have opened The Hub, a historic first after being the first official homosexual couple to set themselves up in You Want to Go, Cunt. Apart from a couple of elderly lesbian social workers who everyone insisted were just housemates, business is through the roof already, with rumours a few more cafes will be sprouting up before the end of the year.
Exciting times for them. Just what that shire needs, a little bit of culture. They sell flowers too, I believe. Oh, good on them. And all the farmers' wives are absolutely ecstatic because they get to have a gay friend like Carrie did on Sex and the City. How cosmopolitan.
Now, not exciting times for the subject of our next story. An apprentice catching a 5am bus with all of his tools has revealed that he's got three months to think about what he's done. Yes, 19-year-old Ollie Minnikello has a bit more free time on his hands to contemplate just how much of a dumb c-word he is. This comes after the first year Chippy's apprentice decided to drive home from the bolo last Friday after approximately five full-strength schooners of piss and two completely useless mid-strength schooners. Jeez. With no trips to Morton or Fraser in sight for the young man and the old Land Cruiser he can't afford now in the driveway, Minnikello is catching the bus at 5am every single morning with a bag full of tools. He said figuring out how to use public transport for the first time in my life at 4am on a Monday after getting done pissed by the cops wasn't very fun.
It's going to be a long few months ahead. I have to say, he's lucky he only got three months to little fuck. He's gonna learn a bit of Joe Rogan to consume over the next little while, I reckon. He certainly won't be getting his Expresso coffees from the hub any time soon, will he? Oh, they're not that early. Chris and Julie are not that early. It'll be a while until he faces any balls from the Paddington end, I'll tell you that much.
Wrapping it up with a animal story, and a mixed breed dog has reached its 15th birthday without experiencing a single health problem. A significant milestone for the old mutt that belongs to Batuda Heights woman, Maggie Kane. It's been confirmed that the dog named Lou is as durable as the 3310 Nokia, famously famous for being famously tough. After reaching the ripe old age of 15, geez, apparently hasn't had anything wrong with him. He's just had worming tablets and the odd flea bomb.
Yeah, it's a stark contrast to the other dog, Frankie, a designer bulldog who is racking up on average 2.5k AUD in veterinary fees every single year. Maggie admitted to us that those fees will probably go up in time until Frankie suffers an untimely and rather painful passing as a result of health problems stemming from humans fucking with her genetics. Very pleasant note to finish on. 2.5k is actually pretty cheap for a Frenchie.
You should be allowed to eat your dog if it's like, gets to that level. Through conflicts in the past, plenty of people have. They do in some cultures too. I've had it. I don't see anything wrong with it. Meat's meat. I thought he would if he's got people from that part of Europe in his family. Well, from my part of Europe, we just eat sheep intestines and fermented fish. Yeah, you guys have this mental block about certain animals not being edible.
And I think it's a very privileged kind of position to be in where you just pick and choose. I think it's quite privileged to have enough horses that you can eat one, to be honest. Every single horse should be used for horse racing.
And then what happens when they don't race very fast anymore? You fucking try and tame them and then you sell them to some rich cunt who's gonna do it. Oh, no, that's normal, dude, dude, dude.
I've been shooting and butchering my own feral donkeys for about 10 years. Horse and donkey are some of the most nutritious meats on the face of planet Earth.
Okay, Joe Rogan. Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee. Sorry, that was my donkey nose. That was an ee-aw. Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee.
Can you do it, Amy? No, actually, you can't do it, Amy.
Sounds beatbox-y. It's scary. Subwoofers.
When they start doing that near you, you know they can just peck your brain out. Can you do the koala? Get a little bit of oxygen. You know that with emus, if you shoot them in the head, they're in a big mob. If you shoot them in the head, the other emus don't spook. They're just like, what the fuck is Fred doing? And then you get the opportunity to shoot another one. But you just gotta get them in the head, is that what you're saying? But you should never do that because they're a protected species.
No, you can only do that in one part of Australia, which is the, what's it called? The Hutt River Micronation. New town. Well, that's also a micronation of...
Taronga Zoo. I cannot even possibly fathom how much trouble you'd get into if you shot a fucking emu at Taronga Zoo. That's what I'd do if I won Powerball. Me and Glenn McGrath would go to Taronga Zoo and shoot every animal there. One ball could change it all.
Anyway, that was not an ad. Thank you for tuning in to the weekly Betuda Bulletin. You should hear the stuff we had to cut out. See ya. Ciao. |
cracked | 5_reasons_gremlins_is_secretly_about_sex | Gremlins came out during that period of time in the 1980s when Steven Spielberg was busy trying to punish all of us for ever being children. He snuck melting Nazis into a movie bearing the same parental guidance rating as Garfield to Tale of Two Kitties, unleashed a family film about a shovel-headed, wrinkly scrotum alien with a voice like a haunted speaking spell, and hired the man who made the Texas Chainsaw Massacre to direct a big-budget spectacle about a child getting kidnapped by a television full of fucking ghosts. That was all within three years. It's like the instant he solidified his Hollywood kingpin status, the first thing he wanted to do was scare the shit out of children. This was originally a straight-forward horror film until Spielberg climbed on board as a producer and decided to turn it into a family-friendly, black comedy...
ZIG AND HEAVY WOULD 60 GALLANS BE SUFFICIANT Christmas movie? About slapstick monsters joyously murdering Pete. Jesus, what the hell is this movie? Well, I'm glad you asked, rhetorical incredulity. Gremlins, while definitely a movie about all of those things I just mentioned, is also a nuanced character study about a developmentally stunted man child who is terrified of sex. Billy, the wet noodle at the center of this demon fantasy, inexplicably aimed at children, is an adult living at home in his parents' attic, which he's carefully decorated with science fiction comics and issues of Fangoria magazine.
That's fine for an anti-social 13-year-old, but Billy's clearly somewhere in his 20s. His best friend is Corey Feldman, who in 1984 had yet to graduate into the reptilian dancing Skeletor you may have accidentally seen on YouTube. Nope. Back in Reagan's America, Feldman was still in middle school.
Billy spends his free time reading 3D comic books with a 12-year-old in his parents' attic. In the movie, we see Billy's dad doing some Christmas shopping in what appears to be the opium district of the city from Blade Runner. He settles on a curiosity shop run by a standoffish Chinese man where he more or less steals Gizmo, the adorable progenitor Gremlin with the voice of Bobby generic, as a gift for his son. Everything about his body language in the transaction suggests that this is a gift for a little kid. But why else would he be so urgent about buying a singing rabbit for his son, unless his son was eight years old? Gee, maybe because his son is a grown man who reads comics in his room all day long with a seventh grader. Billy even reacts to the present like a kid being bribed for his affection by an absent father.
Later, we see that there is a single giant stocking hanging above the fireplace loaded with toys. Nobody else lives in that house but Billy and his parents. He doesn't have any younger brothers or sisters. That stocking has to be Billy's. That robot is for children, Billy. Children. You're old enough to be drafted.
When Gizmo starts blasting out dangerously psychotic offspring like a t-shirt canon, Billy takes one of the middle school science teachers to be studied. He's so locked into the mindset of a pre-teen boy that his concept of scientific authority maxes out at the guys showing educational films from the 1960s to a classroom full of sleeping children.
One of whom is Corey Feldman. Feldman is literally the only person we ever see him hanging out with, apart from a brief scene where he's forced out to a bar with his asshole boss and tries to make awkward conversation with Phoebe Cates.
Like everyone else in the first half of the 1980s, Billy is crazy about Phoebe Cates. The only other women in his life are his mother and the cartoonishly evil Mrs. Deagle. The bank and I have the same purpose in life, to make money. In Billy's mind, women are either snarling, overbearing monsters, or his mom. When the Grumman's cocoon, the scientist says they're going through lots of changes. And Feldman immediately says, like my mother's. Get it? Because women are monsters. It's all reinforcing Billy's terror of intimacy. Even the rules of the Grummans themselves sound like a missive against the spread of STDs.
Keep him out of the sunlight. Keep him away from water. Don't ever feed him after midnight.
That's like a haiku of sexual repression. The Grummans, on the other hand, are pure id. They drink, stab, shoot, and flash their genitals all over town like tiny Irish gangsters. And the Grumman outbreak just so happens to coincide with Billy finally allowing his relationship with Phoebe Cates to move beyond the let's agree to casually ignore each other's existence after 9 o'clock stage.
If you're not doing anything this Thursday night, maybe you'd like to go out on a date? Check it out.
By the time Billy encounters a Grumman, it slashes his hand into a bloody mess. That was no Grumman attack, friend. That was Billy masturbating for the first time. He finally let his id take over and just pulled a violent orgasm out of his meek sheltered penis. The Grummans are his sexual awakening, vandalizing the town to vent his years of frustrated repression. Who are two of the first people that Grummans attack?
Billy's mother. And that wintry old crypt part, Mrs. Deagle, the mate sharks have a skewed understanding of women. Understandably horrified by the murderous sex monsters he's unleashed, Billy has to regress back to his childhood in order to destroy them.
They trap most of the Grummans in a theater showing Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and then burn them all alive. Which is just great. And then Gizmo defeats Stripe, the Grumman's chieftain, by crashing into a skylight with a toy car. They literally kill the Grummans with a Saturday morning at your grandparents' house.
During Stripe's spectacularly horrific death scene, he melts into a pile of milky skeleton fluid that looks a whole lot like angry semen. The dog even gives a final pile of mucusy ooze a shameful look, as if he's just been forced to watch Billy masturbate to completion on a pile of Star Wars comics.
For Grummans, director Joe Dante was best known for The Howling, which is a movie about violent monster sex. Spielberg apparently recognized Dante's child-terrorizing potential and asked him to make that exact same movie as a kid-friendly puppet comedy, because the 1980s were just... just incredible. Hey, thanks for watching my video about Grummans. It's one of those movies that I grew up watching more times than I'd spent actual meaningful time with my parents. If you liked it and you want to see me talk about some more Spielberg movies from the 80s, like, always subscribe.
There's a button. You can press it. It's around here somewhere. Even if you didn't like it, press it anyway so that you can unite your hatred and destroy me. If you thought I was wrong about Grummans or you want to just argue with me about Grummans or if you just want to just say whatever, there's some comments down there. There's a comment section where you can write them and we will read them. Just... just very carefully. It's gonna be great. |
cracked | why_peta_is_a_nest_of_lies_and_very_litigious_about_it | Hi guys, it's me Katie from Cracked, the YouTube page you're currently on. Some of you may remember a video I released about PETA. No, I do not mean the delicious unleavened bread, which is a staple of Mediterranean cuisine. I am talking about the not-so-secret and arguably evil activist group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Yes, some of you may remember that, but for the rest of you, don't bother doing a search because it no longer exists. The reason the video no longer exists is because a few days after we posted it, Cracked was contacted by PETA's lawyers with a cease and desist. They demanded that Cracked.com immediately cease and desist from making false and defamatory statements about PETA, and that PETA demands the immediate retraction of the video from any and all publication platforms, and a written apology.
Please govern yourself accordingly.
They also called it a hit piece, which honestly was flattering. I mean, 300,000 views isn't bad, but I wouldn't quite call it a hit, you know?
So I was asked to compile all my sources, and not only did they continue to support my thesis that PETA is the f***ing worst, but I also noticed that threatening litigation against people who tell the truth is just another terrible thing that PETA regularly does. Douglas Anthony Cooper from the Huffington Post, for example, states that people are routinely threatened by PETA's lawyers, but nobody has been sued for repeating this for good reason. PETA would have a very bad day in court, which upsets me, you know? You can't bully people into being silent, so we decided to take that video down and make a new one. But this time, we would ask PETA to comment. Which brings us to today, where I am re-explaining all of the truly terrible things you didn't know you should know about PETA.
Again, not the bread. I promise I won't keep doing this bit. I can sense it's getting a bit... still? Number one, they claim to be the champions of the animal kingdom, but in reality, they're more like the chucky of the animal kingdom. Okay, we already went through all this in the original video that no longer exists, but like this stuff is really important, so let's just quickly recap.
PETA euthanizes 90% of the animals that come through their doors, even healthy, young, adoptable animals. There are innumerable accounts of animals being dropped off with the promise of finding new homes, but instead, they were immediately killed. In fact, PETA is against no-kill shelters. And, according to ex-PETA employees, they would sometimes steal pets to be euthanized. Take this account from Heather Harper Trohe, who stated in an interview with the Huffington Post that while stolen animals were the minority, it was an acceptable practice, that it was standard operating procedure, and that stolen animals would not be re-homed because they leave a trail. In their original sea synthesis, PETA states that this report is false, that it comes from a disgruntled former employee who worked for PETA before it operated any shelter and has no knowledge of the incident. But that is actually false, because in her interview, Ms. Harper Trohe describes the bleak conditions of PETA's shelters, and says that Ingrid Newkirk herself encouraged daily doctoring of logs to conceal how many animals they killed. Now, why the heck would an organization that claims to support the ethical treatment of animals do all of this? Because PETA does not believe humans should own pets.
Now, obviously, that is a somewhat dramatic statement. I'm pretty sure it's called hyperbole, only like the best word ever.
Obviously, PETA employees have pets, but since there are animal overpopulations, PETA's official stance is that mercy killing is better than living in a shelter. In their letter to us, PETA's lawyers defended the organization by saying that every owner who brings in an animal to PETA signs a form transferring ownership and acknowledging that the animal may be euthanized. Which is besides the point, telling people their animal may be euthanized is very different from telling them that they most likely will be euthanized. Number two, they support animal activism.
Did I say activism? Sorry, I meant terrorism. And I mean that literally.
They have literally paid the legal fees for members of known domestic terrorist organizations, such as the ELF and ALF. PETA representatives have been quoted saying, blowing stuff up and smashing windows. I think it's a great way to bring about animal liberation. And at one point, the FBI was even monitoring their activity. And according to this report from the Department of Justice, the FBI concluded that PETA does provide what can be considered at least tacit support for the Animal Liberation Front and its illegal activity, and that several leading PETA members had expressed support for ALF activities and refused to condemn them. The report also says it was believed that PETA was involved in target selection for past ALF, ELF attacks, and that PETA was alleged to have established a faction within PETA to support ALF, ELF activities, and or cells. Again, this is from the Department of Justice, talking about secret terrorist cells. Now, obviously, PETA's lawyers hated this. In their letter, they said, your claim that PETA supports terrorism is similarly false and defamatory and must be immediately retracted. And to say that PETA supports terrorism and has been investigated by the FBI for terrorism is an astounding claim. Which is funny, because PETA General Counsel Jeff Kerr himself cc'd on these emails they keep sending me is actually quoted in this Washington Post article about how the FBI was investigating PETA.
See? Isn't that funny? Classic Jeff. Number three.
They are against any industry using animals or animal products. Which, okay, I understand that to a degree. I myself am a vegetarian and I totally respect the vegan lifestyle. But for an organization that euthanizes the majority of animals coming through their doors and routinely disposes of their bodies and dumpsters, I don't know, just kind of seems hypocritical. Also, let's be real, a world without any animal testing is a world without vaccines or cancer treatment or deodorant. I'm not sure that's a world I'm ready to live in.
They claim to spread truth and awareness. But in actuality, they rely on bullying and misinformation to spread their message. You know what, I actually, I think I said it's best the first time around so I'm just gonna let us keep watching that. PETA has frequently come under fire for their aggressive ad campaigns including the one famously comparing meat eaters to Nazis. Which frankly confuses me since their shelters could easily be compared to a death camp. I said it. Not to mention this ad where they straight up lie stating that eating dairy is linked to autism. While I do understand the desire to create an aggressive attention-grabbing campaign, maybe spreading lies and shame isn't the best way to get people on your team.
Did you uh, did you catch that Trump reference? Good. Because it feels more pertinent now than ever.
You cannot bully people into believing a distorted version of the truth. You cannot use litigation to hide injustice. And we cannot accept this. From politicians, from corporations, or from non-profits.
Apparently. It's just like, it's just, it's so frustrating, you know?
Because like, okay, if PETA had animals' best interest at heart, it seems like they could spend their massive budget on good things. Like ad campaigns, promoting adoption, or lobby to push legislation through that saves animals instead of legislation that saves kill shelters. What about it, PETA?
I know you're watching. What about doing that instead? True to my word, I reached out to them for comment on all of these points and this is what they wrote back. If you were approaching us with a desire to learn about PETA's work to help animals versus just seeking to smear PETA, we'd be happy to answer your questions. It is, however, abundantly clear based on your most recent emails that this is a hatchet job and that you have not reviewed any of the information about PETA's work that I sent to you and which is available at www.pedasaves.com. On the contrary, I did review the information. And none of it answers my questions, which is why I made the video in the first place. Look, if you agree with PETA's philosophical point of view and these facts don't bother you, well then okay. I guess continue to support them. But my point is that most people who donate to PETA do not know where their money is actually going and that is a problem. But now that you know the truth, please take that information and do whatever you want with it.
I don't know. Maybe share this video a ton. I don't know. Who cares?
Personally, I encourage you to donate to more trustworthy organizations like the Wildlife Conservation Society or the American Humane Association. But hey, to each their own.
Real quick, why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from PETA. Why did the cat climb the tree? To get away from PETA.
Okay, okay. One more. Okay.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Interrupting cow. Oh, please don't send me to PETA. |
SaturdayNightLive | penelope_man_and_wife_snl | Wow, what a touching ceremony. I've never been to a wedding where so many people cried. I know. Nicole looked so beautiful. I'm so glad I brought tissues. I brought tissues, too. probably more tissues than you, So I also brought paper towels, a beach towel, a sponge, and a chamois. I used them all up. they're wet, so I guess I was more emotional than you were.
Honey, this is Penelope. Hi, I'm June. I went to high school with Nicole. I went to college with Nicole. and her parents and her neighbors. we all live together in our dorms. we also went to school with the Dj, too, so we'll just probably know everyone here a little better than you. Well, it's nice to meet you.
Hi, everybody. two announcements. one, I hope you're ready to book it tonight. and two, while we wait for the bride and groom to arrive, we'd like you all to take your seats. your salads have been served. I already ate my salads. it was my tenth salad today, so it was really good. So I have a salad bar in my car. So anyway. the steering wheel is a big crouton, and it runs on blue cheese dressing.
Wow, this table is beautiful. look at all these cute little boxes. Oh, my gosh, they're so cute. Oh, my God, they have M&m's in them. at my wedding, we had M&m and M&m's, So. just a few more M's on our candy, so a little bit bigger, a little better. we also had L&l and L&o's and Q&q's. A little better than M&m's. they're from Iceland. they're known for their chocolate. really?
All right, everybody. it's the moment we've been waiting for. if I could get you to look that way. I'm already looking that way already, So. it's the only way I'm looking, so I guess I'm just a little more focused than everyone else. are those horse blinders? Really? Now, everyone, I would like to introduce, for the very first time ever, Mr. and Mrs. Nicole and Steve Parker. God, what is she doing?
Thanks for coming, everyone. it means so much that you're all here tonight. yeah, but don't drink too much. I still have to pay for the honeymoon. I just got back from my honeymoon. we went to the moon, actually. it's made of honey. Well, enjoy your dinners, everyone. what was she doing up there? that is so rude. June, relax, okay? let's just have a good time. why don't you clink your glass so they have to kiss? You love doing that at weddings. I do love seeing people kiss at weddings.
Penelope is ruining this entire reception. Look, you making a scene isn't gonna make it any better. Well, she's ruining their day. this is my day, So.
I bought it from the government. it's National Penelope Day in 14 country. the children celebrate by running into the streets. the post office is closed, but I still get my mail. really? Honey? Wow. National Penelope Day?
Well, you know what? the month of June was actually named after me. And you know what else? every night before I go to sleep, I take my feet off, and if I close my eyes real tight, I can, um. Oh, I could watch Toy Story on my eyelids. And my mom's a rollercoaster, and I was born in the, uh, in the 1930s. So, what do you have to say about that, Penelope? Well, I guess that's all I can say is that before I go to sleep, my feet take me off, and they go to bed. when I close my eyes really tight, I can watch movies on demand. I can choose whatever I want. it's free, because I know what guy is. My mom has Six Flags in my Dad's Bush Garden. whenever I want to, I can turn into a black-and-white movie star from the 1930s.
Are you serious? Are you kidding me right now?
Hey, why don't we just go relax and get somewhere, Okay? You know what? let's go to the bar. I need drinks. Do Not come with us. absolutely. let's just. I don't need to go to the bar, because I already had 50 margaritas. I'm gonna get my black-and-white car now, but I'm not gonna drive because I'm drunk. I'm just a little drunk right now. |
dropout | getting_caught_eating_alone_ch_shorts | Mmm, finally, I'm home and alone, a chance to be by myself. How's my breakup doing? Kelsey! Oh my God, hey guys! How are you? I'm good! Are you alone? You want to come and join us? Oh, no, I'm meeting someone. Oh, okay. Not alone. Oh, fuck, why did I do that? I'm not meeting anyone, I think I'm being stood up. Hi there, ma'am, how are you? Hi, I'm not alone!
Okay, well, can I get you another menu for when your friend arrives? Yes, he will need a menu to order his dinner.
Okay. Oh, stop lying, you idiot! I shouldn't be embarrassed about eating alone, it's a regular thing to do! I'm not sure you are. Um, actually, my friend will no longer be joining me, there was an emergency. Oh, I'm so sorry. So, it'll just be you then.
No, I won't be alone, actually, I called a different friend in the meantime, he's very famous, so he will be joining me for dinner at this restaurant, so I'll just snag this back. Can I get you anything while you wait? We will take a bottle of nice wine to share. Sure.
Oh gods, what have I done? No, no, this is their fault.
Why would they offer me a seat? We're casual acquaintances at best, and they want to eat a whole meal with me?
I like looking at my phone and not talking to anyone. Don't they understand? Being alone is okay! They're the crazy ones! Your wine? Great.
Yeah, my friend came in while no one was looking, he rushed off to the bathroom, it's funny, he was stuck in traffic. He had to go to the bathroom so badly. So when he came, he just zipped by, like, so nobody even saw him, he's really fast.
Your friend is Martin Sheen. And he told me he's very, very hungry, so if we could get two King Crab dinners, that would be great. So it's two, one for him, one for me. Certainly. Great, thank you so much.
Could you tell him why? Could you tell him afraid of what people think? Could you tell him afraid of fish?
Here you are, two King Crab dinners. Martin, you are so funny, that's such a good West Wing story, what a good friend you are!
You know, can you tell I've never tasted crab before? Can you tell I don't know how to drive?
Can you tell I have a cat? Every cat's name is Jessica. Can you tell I'm afraid of hermit crabs outside of their shell?
Does he know I don't have an appendix? What? Rekha knows Martin Sheen? |
dropout | how_you_really_use_exercise_machines | Strength. Power.
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dropout | The_Game_Show_of_Nerdy_Corrections_Harry_Potter_Catan_and_Tetris | From shy guys to shy halud, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us today, we have Erika Ishii. Hello, everyone. Emmy Quacker. Hey. And Becca Scott.
How's it going? Um, how's everyone feeling?
Ready for finger guns. Pew, pew. You're stuck in a crossfire already.
I'm like right in the center of all of this. This is the issue with like having books who have like done the show before. We're like, it was like, cool, I know what's going on. And it's like, wait, what's happening here? Like different levels of comfort immediately. Don't underestimate Emmy.
We've got a good vibe and everything. We had some time. It was great. We had some time to hang out. Good.
Well, you have played the game before. Emmy, for you and for any new viewers at home, the rules of the game are simple. These are incorrect statements, but the things that you know and love, it's up to you to find the thing that's wrong.
Buzz in, correct me. All your corrections must be proceeded with the phrase, um, actually. And you can interrupt me at any time you want.
There's an energy on this couch. I've been working out my thumbs non-stop. Becca's very competitive. Sometimes it's just as fast. We're trying to, I'm more competitive.
Here's the thing though. Tell me the thing. So Emmy and I are co-captains of our dodge ball team. And I would say he's one of the few people in the world I might consider on par with my level of competitiveness. She said on par. I think it's like. That's very good to know going into this. I'm just here to have a good time. Well, good. Well, with that, we're gonna jump right in and we'll see how good of a time we're gonna have. Here's our first question.
Billy Dee Williams played district attorney Harvey Dent in Tim Burton's original Batman film. He was also slated to reprise the role in Batman Returns but the character was written out. And so he never got to play Dent's villainous alter ego, Two-Face. The next time Two-Face appeared in a movie was in Batman Forever, played by Tommy Lee Jones. Actually, it wasn't played by Billy Wilson.
That's a beach boy. That's definitely a beach boy.
Actually, Billy Dee Williams never actually played Two-Face.
Incorrect, incorrect. You're correct in that I did say Billy Dee Williams. That part is right.
Okay, but none of them were beach boys. That's true. None of them were beach boys, but I didn't imply that they were.
Erica. Actually, if you count the two-parter episode from Batman, the animated series, that was another appearance of Harvey Dent and Two-Face. The question does specify in a movie. So the animated series would not count there. I'm gonna say no one gets this one.
Oh, sure. Actually, he did have a chance to play Two-Face at some point in time. That's correct. So I'll say this, he does eventually play Two-Face, but where? I'll give it to you unless someone can tell me where. Actually, he gets to play it in the Lego Batman movie? That's correct.
Oh my God! Yes! You did it! Oh my God! Nailed it! Oh my God!
That was more of a team effort, really. We really sort of like walled our way in there.
But yeah, Williams plays Two-Face in the Lego Batman movie. The appearance of the character was even based on Williams' original Dent performance. So a long time coming, but yeah, eventually got to play Two-Face. It was just in Lego form many, many years later.
You crushed it. I don't get any points? No. It's one point.
But I assisted in her getting that. You did the assist, I know! Thank you for the help. It's okay. I'll help you out later on. It's okay. I owe you one.
Alliances are being formed. Yeah, things are happening. Look, sometimes I play fast and loose with the points. Sometimes it falls in your favor. Sometimes it falls in someone else's, you know? Like, we'll see how it goes.
All right, this next question is about Harry Potter. We all want to go to wizarding school, whether it's Beauxbatons in France, Ilvermorny in the United States, Ouagadou in Uganda, or the famed Hogwarts in England. But did you know that you could also attend WADA, AKA the Wizarding Academy of Dramatic Arts, to become a theatrical performer? Or perhaps hone your Quidditch skills at the Academy of Broomflying? Where is this all, like, J.K. Rowling's ancillary material you can find on the website?
Oh, for sure. Oh, absolutely.
This is Pottermore nonsense. This is Pottermore for sure. But look, that's all candid as far as I- Nobody. J.K. Rowling, you're a wizard vocational school! I don't think J.K. Rowling gets to decide what's canon and what's not anymore, because this is crazy.
One more, one more. Yep. We all want to go to wizarding school, whether it's Beauxbatons in France, Ilvermorny in the United States, Ouagadou in Uganda, or the famed Hogwarts in England. Oh! Actually, Hogwarts is in Scotland? That's correct. Oh my God!
There's a lot of reaction out here. Should I have my wives taken away and snapped?
Good thing they wiped the floor so clean. Yeah, we snuck it in.
Hogwarts is in Scotland. It's not in England. Wow. Everything else is true, though. The Hogwarts Express takes such a long time. Of course they leave England. Yeah, it goes through the Highlands.
I've been on that train. I've been on the Hogwarts Express. I have! I was on the Hogwarts Express in the Highlands.
It's in Orlando, Florida. God! At that point, we'll go to Erika. Hogwarts is in Scotland. Here's a question about the Dresden Files. Yes!
Oh, this is Becca. Which one of you put down. I guess it's Becca. I'm not super familiar with it, but we wrote a question for it. Thank you. So, let's see.
And maybe someone else will just guess their way to victory and spike this. I will be so angry. I'm stealing this.
You don't even know what the Dresden Files is. No.
Protagonist Harry Dresden once rescued a litter of puppies from fire-breathing, black-winged monkey demons. He ended up keeping one of the puppies, naming it Mouse. Mouse is a temple dog, believed to be the offspring of a celestial being and a normal dog. And the loyal pupper exhibits supernatural strength, intelligence, and healing.
And he occasionally glows blue. Actually, Mouse does not glow blue. He does, occasionally.
What?
Actually, his name is Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden. That doesn't, it is still correct to say his name is Harry Dresden.
Actually, they weren't monkey demons. Don't even, they were though.
They flinkey, all right. Incendiary poo. Oh, wait, hold on. Oh, no, no, no. Actually, the monkeys don't breathe fire. They throw flaming poo balls.
That is correct. Yay! I did actually say that out loud. You did say it out loud.
You just didn't, you never put it, included it as a correction. Have they stolen that? Oh. It was like, you know the answer here. You just aren't, you just haven't connected that. We've said the wrong thing here.
Oh my God, I almost died. It was like, you're like, flaming poo. It was like, she said it, she knows.
This next question is a fam question. So this was submitted by a fan of the show. Wrote their own question, sent it in to us. Here's a question from Miskbits.
First published in 1995, the board game Settlers of Catan has players acquire and spend a variety of resources, namely lumber, sheep, ore, grain, and brick.
Actually, it's not lumber, it's wood. Incorrect. Erica. Actually, it's Catan. No, no, no. No, no, no. Okay, I got this. Oh. Actually, it's not brick, it's stone? Incorrect. Um, actually, it's not brick, it's clay. No. I think I'm gonna call it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on. One more, one more. Okay, Erica buzzed it. Um, actually, it's not sheep, it's livestock? No.
No, it's sheep. I mean, we always call it sheep. Unbe-sheepable. Technically speaking, it's not sheep, it's wool. Everyone just calls it sheep, because it's fun. Because it makes the noise. But if you, yeah, if you look at any of the literature, anything's written down, it's written as wool, not as sheep. Yeah, well, you know what? It's not as funny to say. Anyone want wool for wool? No, sheep is way more fun. That's not funny. Yeah, it's way more fun to imagine just like, like herding sheep around and passing sheep back and forth.
I have that game on my phone, and I play it all the time. And there's always that, baa, every single time you pick it up.
So that's why I'm thinking it's sheep. We always call it sheep. I mean, it's depicted as sheep, like it's drawn as sheep. It's like, and I think most people say like sheep, because also that's like, it's a more fun word, it's more fun thing to say, but it is in fact written as wool, so it's very technically wool.
Well, this brings us to our first shiny question of the game. Thank God. Shiny questions like shiny Pokemon are worth the same number of points. They're just a little bit different and a little bit rarer.
This is a game called What's Wrong With This Picture? The first person to buzz in and tell me what's wrong with this image will get the point. Flip it over. What is wrong with this image?
Yes, Becca. Actually, it's a Russian mind game. No, that is, this is original. Is it made in the US? Nope, that's not what we're looking for here. Okay, so look on the bottom left. I'm looking. You see this like U-shaped piece? That's not a Tetris piece. Oh, interesting. No, that is original to the box art, but it is interesting that there are some pieces down there that don't look very Tetris-y. Actually, this spire is from The Little Mermaid, for sure. It's the penis one from the ABHS cover, yeah. Actually, it wasn't on the NES? No, no, incorrect.
We're really bad at answering all of your questions today. You're all gonna hate this, so let's go ahead, let's see what it's supposed to look like. Boink. I hate it! Do it again, Becca. I hate it!
The R is backwards. It is the Russian yah symbol, instead of an R in the original Tetris. That's the true Soviet mind game. It's like Cyrillic or something. Yeah, they use the Cyrillic symbol, which actually that sound says yah. It's not in our sense. That would actually read more like Tet-yayse, but to give it more of a Soviet flair, more of a Russian flair, they use what looks to us like a backwards R, not the forwards R. It's because I first played it on Game Boy, you know? Yeah, that's true. In later editions, they do spell it out, but this is how they depict the Tetris.
Well, Tingin can go Tet-yayse! Well, sorry to say, no one got that one, so. I'm proud just to be here, you know? I'm glad I know what a yah is now. Learn something today. That's it for this preview of Um, Actually, but wait, there's more!
So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna give you the name of a monster from folklore or mythology or somewhere, and it'll be up to you to draw it to the best of your ability. And I won't be judging the drawing on how good it is. I'll just be looking for a couple of key features that will sort of like define the monsters. You will laugh how bad you see how I draw. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_38_becky_lucas_and_cameron_james | Hello again and welcome back. Thank you for tuning in to the Batutah Advocate radio show or downloading our podcast if you're one of our loyal listeners from outside the Diamantina Shire. My name is Errol Parker and sitting alongside me as always is my friend, my colleague Clancy Overrell. Yes, thank you for tuning in again.
This week we are coming to you live from the harbour hellhole that is Sydney City. We're down here because the Batutah Advocate roadshow is coming to a close and we've just got The Troph AKA Canberra and the Developers Republic of Sydney to go before we head back into our desert home for the time being. Join us for the last two shows if you live in that part of the world and we'll take you behind the scenes of our unique and authentic brand of regional journalism.
A brand of journalism you don't get from these elite sandstone uni grads who write 2,000 word think pieces about toxic masculinity, Clancy. Spot on Errol. Too many of these young kids are coming through and they've never really been further west than Ninja Pili or Newtown nor Fitzroy for that matter of Footscray.
So that's why Central Queensland University are proud to be the sponsor of the podcast this week. And despite their name, they do have campuses all across the country, not just in places like Rocky and Bundy. Yes, that's right. They're all over the mainland and they pride themselves on being a practical uni that gives people the skills they need. So if you are looking to study be what you want to be with CQ University. Yes, thank you to CQ University for getting behind the podcast this week.
Very good to have you on board. Now this week, we've got a couple of very funny people and friends of the show joining us for a chat. That's right. We've got comedians Becky Lucas and Cameron James on the podcast today. They've just released a new show on the ABC called Be Your Own Boss. It's part of that pilot season that they do Clancy.
I can tell you personally it is very very funny. Yes, they are they are very funny. They were very funny in here.
So certainly give it a watch and look, the two of them have just left our studios. So I'll take the chance to warn you.
First our listeners, we are dealing with full-blown stand-up comics in this interview. So expect the podcast to take a few tangents through their non-stop verbal improv and also expect a fair bit of explicit language. Yes, lots and lots of explicit language, dark overtones, lots of chat about murder and the dark side of humanity, but enough about that.
We've only got Canberra and the Sydney Opera House to go, Llewellyn Hall 30th of November, and of course the Opera House concert hall on the 1st of December. And we're spending a bit of time in New South Wales now. We've just come up from Adelaide and we are sitting here in Sylvania Waters peak peak Australian suburbia, not far from Skomide.
I think it's actually square in his electorate. It is in his electorate, yeah. We're in his electorate and we have an Airbnb and it's a beautiful rendered brick five-better with no aspect whatsoever, but it's got an incredible home cinema and non-stop air conditioning and a cool room near the pool, which is pretty much all we were after. And we thought what better way to celebrate officially living it up than by having two of arguably Australia's most suburban comedians.
Yeah, we like to be comfortable. Yeah. We like to lay out on the modular lounge, sure. That's it. That's what it's all about. We have a shagpile rug. I've got three salt lamps. What more do you want? And your teenage cube. You know that they're made in Pakistan by like slave children. Yeah. Salt lamps? Yeah.
Hey guys. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for having us. Good to be back.
I have been on this podcast before. You are our first repeat guest on the Batutah advocate radio show. Makes sense. And it's great to actually do this in the East Coast on the seaboard because last time obviously was in Batutah when you were coming through town. Actually back to your old man's old stomping ground where you worked as a jackaroo for many years. Before he vandalized the Batutah hotel with his ute, which we touched on last time. Took off and now he's a Brisbane property developer.
Yeah. That's a fucking living though.
Rags to riches.
That's a notch above Sylvania Ward is actually where your old man's at now. He's in a city kind of cafe boomer, right?
Yep. Becky's dad's a millionaire by the way everyone. We've since learned over the years. Yep.
So how much money have you come from Cameron? I come from blue collar and blue balls. Background. No, no. I'd say recent white collar.
That's my my family. My mum's a teacher dad's an engineer. So the industrial revolution was very kind of your family? Very kind indeed but I come from oak stock. My granddad worked for the oak company.
Milk, the oak milk. The oak milk. He loved chalky milk. He loved chalky, my granddad loved the chalky milk.
So were you from South Australia or... Newcastle. Big, big milk vibe on there. On the way up there there's that big oak sign that we passed on the way up to the Newcastle show.
Yes. And apparently they make their chocolate milk out of the river that runs past it. Oh yeah. That's where they get the milk from. You know what's so crazy there's still adults in this day and age who can drink a milk drink and not shit their pants. What's going on there? We were just in Adelaide and this is a funny fact this is very obscure they love their own local confectionary down there and in every city in the world the number one non-alcoholic beverage is coca-cola except for Adelaide. You're wrong there again. In Glasgow it's fine brew.
When was he first? No no every capital in Australia. Was he wrong earlier in the day?
Well we're all born wrong that's called original sin. If you come from Catholic stock you know that. So yeah.
Yes but in South Australia it is farmers union iced coffee number one non-alcoholic beverage and they drink it in the heat. They drink it on the work sites fucking everywhere.
So why are some people so sensitive to milk and others aren't? You know I used to be but I've come out the other end of it. Have you? You were born sensitive to milk and you were a milk stock. I don't think I was born to it. I was born a milk lover and then I went through a funny tummy phase. Do you know what I think this is happening to me too because I've gone back to full milk cappuccinos and I feel great. I feel great about it too. I had a choccy milk the other day.
And it was fun? Fine. Oh my god. And I was really worried. I drank it on the bus. It's not bad. But I was really worried it was going to be a problem but it was fine.
I think I sort of know what you mean. Anyway. Anyway we'll continue. Sorry. Becky last time on the podcast we learned that you grew up in Brisbane's famed infamous bayside suburbs Victoria Point not far from the ferry over to Straddy if you feel like fighting a couple of locals. So inclined. If so inclined.
Now you've come a long way from you know the as we said the tight ponytail with the hair gel and the little strand down the front. Slut strands. Slut strands if you will.
You said it. Are we allowed to say it? Yeah I give you permission. Can you say it? Cool. Okay I'm gonna say it. I just think maybe later. Okay wait no go everyone go quiet so Cameron can say it. It's like whatever. And actually you've since made it as of last night. Yeah yeah yeah.
So can you tell us a little bit about what happened there? Well I got to do my comedy show at the Opera House at the Sydney Opera House which is pretty cool you know. I think I was telling you like because it feels it does feel like a conquest when you come from Queensland to perform in you know like it's like the most recognizable.
Powderfinger haven't even done that. They haven't played there. That's what fucking loses. As if he wouldn't have played the Opera House. They didn't want to. They said no we'd rather play the Horden Pavilion.
Rather do that. Well you know what that means everyone in this room because you guys are about to play the Opera House. Cameron opened for me last night or I closed for him. Well whatever way you want to look at it. Yeah we've all performed at the Opera House so if you haven't and you're listening to this honestly fucking die.
I don't even know how to explain how it felt. I'd never done it before. No that's not true. I was on stage there once as a part of the Irrational Fear podcast. So I guess I had played it before. Yes okay. But last night to return to that hollowed hallowed ground as a stand-up opening for one of my best friends. Well I'm feeling I can't even. Can't even put into words but try.
Okay really good. It felt really good. Yeah it was fun.
What kind of things do you do pre-show just to settle your nerves? Do you chain smoke? No I've stopped smoking as of last Friday. Do you chew gum? Do you drink heaps of alcohol? Can you tell us?
Becky had a couple of wines and then we. Which we joked around. Joked around. People came into the room and left. We made fun of them as we saw fit. Really it's just Becky likes to laugh a lot before she goes on the stage so she feels like she's in a funny mood. Yeah I like to be funny.
Can you tell us for what you had in your rider? Just like some white wine and beers. Yeah. Yeah nothing. What was that face? What do you guys have? Pistachios. Really? Shelled of course. We've got pistachios, cashew nuts, we've got an assortment of dips. What kind of dips are we talking about? Can I say you guys both look like you fucking porked up after the tour.
It's so true. No it's true.
We've got the 5 foot tips. We've been living that bain-marie life. I bought a new suit before the tour was on and now the top button's real snug. Well he didn't mind. We got dressed by Harold so thank you Harold's for that. Harold from Neighbours? He dressed us. Time's on top of Ramsay Street. You might grow into this. Trust me.
Nothing or two about riders and crudites.
What kind of dips did you get? You didn't explain to me? We got some supermarket guacamole and we got some olive hummus and we've also got some cool mints and some 3x peppermints. Two types of mints? Are you serious? I'd love it if after the tour you owed the tour a company money.
And a carton of local beer. Just whatever the local brewery is. Last night we were in Adelaide.
Well I'm a little more DTE than you guys. I'm a bit more DTE.
Oh yeah no we're obviously taking advantage of the one and only two. And that means down to eat ass. Yeah this is the first and last tour that we're doing so we thought it was like. Becky does have ass on her rider though so she has to eat the local ass. Yeah the ass of the dankest localist person.
And she hates it. I don't know why she keeps doing it.
I think it's funny or it could be funny. It's not it's real fucking it's really gross. True.
We actually at Hamer Hall reached new heights of new money with French onion dip. You know I bought a French onion the other day. I actually left it in your fridge. Did you? Cameron. Well I'll be snacking on that later on. Yeah I bought some Jats and the French onion dip and I fucking loved it.
Or Savoy. Yeah Savoy. I'm not a Savoy fan. Savoy is just not the same.
I don't know it feels stale or something. It does. Someone explained to me once apparently there's malt in Jats but it's not in Savoy. Malt is the answer.
Right. That's what they're doing right over at Arnott's. So you guys have a podcast. Fairly but we do. We let the mics roll while we do our normal bullshit. Yeah right. Some would describe it as platonic flirting. Sure. I guess so.
Or almost like functional rivalry. We like to think that we are in constant competition. Like we're we're well how do we describe it once? We're like. We both um the big difference between Becky and I is that um Becky thinks she's right but I also think I'm right. Yeah we both think that we're smarter than each other. No I think we described it as being like we're enemies but in order to keep an eye on each other we've decided to be friends. Sure. Like to keep our eye on each other as we are on our ascent. I get it.
There's a lot of love.
Yeah so with that love comes uh when you work together you have permission to snap at each other. We have snapped at each other. Give us a rundown on one of those scenarios and who was in the wrong. We'll never get an answer to that second part. Because it's all about perspective. It is. We've had a few fights I think maybe um the most recent one probably comes to mind. What was that? During the Fringe Festival we had a pretty rough show together. Oh shit. And then we spent probably an hour and a half an hour passive aggressively sniping at each other and then half an hour of real fighting.
I call him a bad word. Don't call me a bad word that I can't say. And I called her a little cunt or something as well. Okay so her word was worse? Yeah well I mean I don't think cunts a beautiful word and a beautiful thing.
Uh and then we spent probably two hours after that just laughing about the whole thing. Because it really blew up and we just kept drinking white wines throughout the whole thing from being tetchy with each other to being outwardly aggressive to making up and being best of friends again. We had about four white wines. It was quite fun. There was no triggers though like even through the good bit later that night there was no like well we can go back there if you want.
No I don't think so. We just sort of started making fun of other people. Yeah. Took it out on other people. I think what it comes down to is that we're both very stubborn and neither of us want to admit that we're wrong about anything. Yeah. And I know. Especially when I know that I'm not wrong. Like it's hard to admit something that you're not. Well I wouldn't know. But um yeah anyway.
Were you guys fired? Have you guys ever fought?
We I think. Our OWL's star signs are very compatible. But so are ours.
Do you know that? Do you know we both have the same star signs? Yeah I know except the star signs also um don't really mean much when you start talking about introverting. Remember you got that from our podcast you little shit. You got that information. He got that information. You got the star sign info.
The cancer Scorpio. Your cancer. Capricorn. Your cancer. Both astrologically and socially.
I'm a proud cap. She's a canse. I'm a canse. Capricans.
And that's actually that is very compatible. It's a soulmate connection. Yeah but we and we do think we're soulmates. We are soulmates.
And arguably you spend more time together than we do right? No no way. Probably about equal I'd say. If not less. You guys are together every day. Are you serious? Yeah. Do you two work every day? No not every day. And then go on tour for a fucking month. I hope to. You're closing for it now. So wait you guys don't fight? No not really.
We do keep we have a team around us. We have a newsroom around us and there's a lot more people to vent on before which is which is it's just great for us.
Maybe we should get a dog that we can take out our aggression on. We fight rarely I'd say it's like every six months there's a fight. But if you got a dog you could just belt the dog and then it'd be done. That's the best thing about having a dog is you're just allowed to treat them like dirt.
They can't say anything. Not yet. That's what I've been talking about. Not yet? When dogs will talk soon. They will. And that'll be really problematic too. You'll have to get it put down because he doesn't believe in the Holocaust. Every dog doesn't see trans people. That's what we were talking about. I have this bit at the moment about dogs that they can smell like four up to four different types of cancer but they can't tell you. They don't say anything.
You're like dying and they're just like feed me maybe I'll tell you where the fucking cancer is. You got cancer bitch. Just pissing on your rugs.
Can you tell us a little bit now that we've got two of you in the room and you can egg each other on because I think we've asked Becky this but have you experienced people copying your shit? Oh yeah big time. I think a little bit yeah. Well you guys have obviously seen a lot of that. People ripping you guys. And you guys have obviously been ripping us off. There's lots of regional newspapers around the country.
Yeah but there's only you know one of you two each. Yeah but I mean I think everyone like what nothing's original. You know there's stuff Kem and I are doing that I'm sure we've drawn upon other people like we could be. I just feel like everyone copies everyone. I do feel like I hate cunts who claim to be original. Yes like there's no such thing. You've absorbed it from somewhere. Yeah and would you say everything's forgivable until a certain point right? Yeah I mean some things rub rub rub you the wrong. I think if what they're doing if someone's copying you and it is in no way a reflection of their actual personality then that's crossing the line. Yeah but if it's if they see something in you that they also see in themselves and they just amp up that side of themselves that's like that's fine everyone kind of does that. But there are yeah. Comedy you you see the people that you like and you go I'm gonna that reminds me of me.
I'm gonna start amping up that like me with Louis CK. I really I really started amping up a certain side of myself. Yeah yeah. In the last six to eight months. Amping up is what Cameron calls getting his dick hard. Yeah so that's my pre-stage ritual which Becky has experienced obviously.
And I don't really care. She's fine. I'm just like one of those cool chicks it's just like yeah.
Like come on my face backstage like you know I just go with the flow. And it does flow sadly. Very runny semen. It sounds like you must be drinking your milk though.
I'm an oak boy. So tell us oak boy.
New project with the two of you on screen. Is every single stand-up comedian capable of being an actor because it appears that way?
Um I don't know. You guys aren't thespians though and you've been great on screen. Yeah I don't know. I think I don't know how to answer that.
I don't think every comic is a good actor like. And a lot of people don't care about acting either they wouldn't want to do it. I don't even think I'm a very good actor.
I feel like I'm able to do what we write. I can do something that I've written.
I don't really think I can like take on a character or someone else. Yeah anytime I audition for something I never get it really. I don't think I'm good with other people.
No you're a good actor Cam. But I'm same as you I'm good at doing like what we do I think. No Cam's a good actor. No I've seen you act you're good. You're a good actor. Thank you. I'm acting humble.
Yeah probably not probably not but like you know Becky and I are both psychopaths who um end up doing characters off stage for ages anyway. Like talking to each other in characters so it's not really acting what we're doing. We're just doing the same thing in front of a camera. Just mucking around.
Tell us a bit about the pilot. Well first of all would you like to give us a compliment? Have you watched it? I think I just opened this whole thing by saying you're great actors.
Okay okay I need it to be a little clearer than that. Oh can we get some AC pumping through here or what? No I'm just kidding it's alright. It's so funny when you say something earnest and then you act like you're kidding. Does it affect the sound quality? Do not edit this out this is the real shit people want to hear. People love to hear about people's minor uncomfortability. I'm slip sliding on this chair I'm sweating I'm sweating. Okay um the pilot is that gonna should we turn it off? No it's alright it doesn't get picked up. Really? Yeah no it's look okay. How much did you spring for that AC?
Thank you for koala mattress for sponsoring the podcast and um yeah what's the name of your pilot? Can I do a read for koala? Koala we love them we know them we see them up in the top of trees well do you know how good it feels to not be in the top of a tree being on a mattress? Made of koalas. Made of koalas and not being eaten by a dog that's what happens to lots of koalas.
What when they hit the ground? Yeah that's have you ever felt like you're getting ripped from limb to limb by dogs?
Wild dogs that's the issue. And then the dogs get chlamydia yeah from the koala's penis touching its mouth. And the dogs can't tell their owners that they've got chlamydia. It's a two-way street. Got chlamydia or oh I don't know who but not my dog so don't think about it.
Um koala mattress thank you so much guys. You're freaking out. I'm not I'm great I we're gonna run this. We're derailing this perfectly perfect pod.
Okay Becky what's the name of our pilot? It's called Be Your Own Boss BYOB. It's playing on the you know amazing streaming service that is ABC iview. It's really easy to use you just go in you have to type the full name into the search bar.
I hope it doesn't crash. You're gonna type fresh blood colon and then the full name of the thing and then it'll come up. Maybe. Maybe depends on the day.
Yeah and then they've sort of snuck ours to the back so you you you're confronted with three other things that you could watch instead of ours. Make your way through those. You'll find Be Your Own Boss by Becky Lucas and Cameron James.
No press release about it coming out. No real yeah so it's been good.
We love our ABC. And people think the ABC is broken. Sounds fine to me. It'll be on TV on December 11th though. Yeah right. On ABC2 or as I call ABC kids up late. It'll be on that at 9 30 p.m. ABC of course stands for ass boobs cunt.
I think you're in with a shot. Yeah anyway we like it we think it's funny. Yeah we love it. What's the premise? Okay fuck I think I tried to explain this last time I couldn't. I'll have a crack. It was Infantile Stages then. Yeah you go Cam. It is a funny show where Becky and I play three sets of characters who all have small businesses within the same regional shopping mall called Pearl Arcade. And that's the premise.
Yeah so because Cameron and I used to be obsessed with businesses that tried really hard and were failing like we used to have a thing we would joke about like a frozen did I talk about this frozen yogurt store? It was a running joke that we had on Twitter for a long time was that we were running a frozen yogurt store just after the frozen yogurt bubble had burst. Because our reasoning was oh well the fact that they're all closed means there's a gap in the market. And we I reckon it was like a year-long running gag that we sometimes did live as well.
And then that is the premise of this is that they're all shitty small businesses that are like just off or just shy of success. Which seems to sort of connect with a lot of people especially if you did grow up in suburbia. You know just those kind of shitty.
Green slopes. Yeah green slopes and there's like a shop that I don't know sells statues and calendars.
Yeah they're always the same shop in those shopping arcades I love them there's one that's like clearly just for mums there's just the window is chock full of mannequins with scarves and beads and shit on them throw pillows. And a lot of the shops in the pilot like the arcade that we use to film had shops that look like a joke like there was one called the merchant of tennis. Which I'm obsessed with. And then it was like the same bakery in every one in every one of these shopping centers. There's the powerful. There is there's always like at the same bakery and it's always like a disinterested Chinese man who doesn't even like sweets.
And they've still got the actual signage from the old civic video on top. Yeah yeah big time there's always an old an old video shop there. Video shop turns into a variety store still with the remaining DVDs at the back.
Yeah I love them. Also the powerful smell of Vietnamese salon. Oh big time. Big time that that you get that's like a third of the way through the mall you just overcome with like industrial strength chemicals. Yeah it's the best. It's almost a marketing technique because the stronger the smell right. Yeah.
And you know you get your petty twice a week. Yeah yeah you know me. So we're both a bit obsessed with those kind of malls and the people that work there. And it's not it's not in like a mean way there's something quite aspirational about wanting to own your own business. But I think everyone from the suburbs is into you know wanting to like you know be your own boss be like live the Australian dream. And it's always at to some level of compromise where it's just not quite right or you're always a little bit in the red or you know your kids don't respect your shop or whatever. Yeah I just love people barreling ahead with like white eyes.
You know not accepting failure just being so bad. There's so many people who own their own business who are just really bad at it. Yeah imagine the poor guy who owns the merchant of tennis.
What his kids must go through a school it's like. They were lovely they let us use their sign in the show. Yeah. And if we ever get to make more of them I want that to be a key part of the show.
So where was this mall? Huh where was it? Yeah where was it?
Beecroft. Beecroft or something like that.
Maybe a go-lo sometimes a rebel sport if you're lucky. If you're lucky. If you're very lucky.
Yeah. Yeah so that's sort of the premise.
Or an old games workshop that's another one. Board games.
Like how have you stayed in business for real? The real OG ones have a TAB in them.
Oh big time. And a shit shoe place where all the shoes are just like. Persian shoes. Yeah. So we were up in Newy the other night. Obviously a big inspiration for this pilot that you both work on. The land of blood and oak. Yeah blood and oak vodka coke and raspberries. Oh yeah Fanny's Night Club. Big Dick which RIP has been taken down.
Yeah it's a beautiful place. What's it like? I mean the one feeling you get even in the middle of the day walking around the civic theatre is that it's a very violent place. I think it's toned down a lot.
But it was when I was young. There was a lot of glassings. I've said this before but I reckon we were the first city to get known for glassing. Because Newcastle was the first city to start bringing in plastic skinner glasses. Yeah we were the first one. Because it was just a thing.
Every week in the paper it was always we got to stop the glassings. We got to stop it.
It's a bizarre thing to do. It's PC gone mad. It's fucking daycare. Stands for pussy cunts by the way. It's a very intense thing and you've got to commit to a lot of admin. If you decide to put a glass in someone's face. Wow. Because once they've got to go through that really intricate surgery. And you're just up for like grievous bodily harm straight away.
If I was a microsurgeon though I would be kind of like quietly cheering. You know I can just keep having kids and they can go to like the best schools. I can have a boat. I can go and play golf with my urgent friends.
As long as we keep these bogans angry. Just keep the glass coming guys. Pay lobbyists to fight against plastic schooners.
Is it still like that? Do they still have plastic cups?
It's definitely calmed down a lot. Especially because Newcastle was also one of the first places to bring in a lockout as well.
No shots. Yeah no shots.
Lockout at 11.30 and then you can't get in anywhere else after one. So they really that was all started in Newcastle and they brought it to Sydney and all that. What about keep Newcastle open by the way?
No groundswell. No grassroots movement. Nothing. No politicians came out.
Just keep the steelworks open. Yeah we've got bigger problems. Regional depression was more of a concern. Keep our veins open.
But I love it. I always probably the same way you guys feel when you return home every time you've been away. But I love going home. I feel like a real sense of I buzz whenever I walk down.
Well it's got that vibe and the 90s as well. You were a kid in the 90s right?
So you had the chair. Yeah big chair. You had the chair.
The jets. Screaming jets.
What do they say? Steel chair and silverware. That's what they had. Because you had of course the 1997 silverware finals. Oh yeah of course of course.
Sounds like you're lying from being from Newcastle Cam. Yeah I just never heard that expression before. You never heard that I mean. Not everyone loves sport you know.
There are some people. Or silver chair. I was a big chair head.
Screaming jets? Love screaming jets.
Is that more your old man's vintage? That's my dad's stuff. Silver chair was my era. But a couple of years ago when I was back the jets played the bowling club down the road from mum and dad's house.
And I think no one bought tickets but everyone went. Everyone just topped the fence and stuff. Was the best.
Cam's dad is a drummer. My dad is a drummer.
Yeah yeah. And an engineer. And a good man. Yeah.
Good husband. Good rig. Good dad. Good rig. Nice cock. Nice thick cock.
That's all I've heard. Anyway a big news.
Cameron and I are buying a Nissan cube. You're buying a cube. Yeah we're going halves in a cube.
Why? That's gotta be like 20 grand. Why are you doing that?
We just think they look really good. They're cute. They're fun.
Easy to get around in. You can zip zip zip.
And it's good to hear laughter from teens. But they're very like angular. Like they're probably not that safe for toddlers.
I mean you just put a little bubble wrap around the edges of it. We're happy to make modifications to the cube. Yeah and also easy to park in a cube because it's the exact same shape as a car park. None of this round bullshit. You just slot right in there.
And we love it. Yeah get it lowered. Yeah I mean we could for a bit. It's very low to the ground. That's why it's so good because it's there for it's accessible to old people. And yeah you can put all your groceries in there you know. We're hoping this car will take us into old age.
Huh? And then you could do Uber and then you have all these young guys just hopping in your fucking cube and go nice car you fucking spoon. Do you know that's where it came from? That's where this whole thing came from is I ordered an Uber and it said picking you up in a Nissan cube and I walked out and I saw the strangest car I've ever seen in my life.
And I was having a look at it and the guy goes okay get in please get in. He was humiliated that he had to stop for a moment. Yeah and I was like sorry just having a look at you and he's like yep I know it's a weird car. So anyway where are you going? And I was like ah just to glee but he's like yep okay fine I saw it. I don't know where we're going. He was so agitated.
And then when I got out the front of my house immediately I started laughing at the cube. So he was like oh great now we're picking up some other guys laughing at me. His whole life is like is because he's used to the cube but no one else is used to the cube so his whole life is people getting used to the cube but he's like.
Is there a functionality? We don't know. I looked it up. Dirt bikes in the back or something? There must be a purpose.
But I became obsessed with it and then I looked it up on the internet and I found an essay that this man had written and it was like why the cube ruined my life. My kids friends would laugh at me. 20 years ago there was the PT Cruiser which used to ruin lives and reputations used to be the bane of a lot of people's existence.
Was that a French bulldog looking car that was a bit? Probably man you know it looked like a bathtub I think. Like it had like a really angular mouth on it. Oh yes yes yes. Yeah that was the humiliating car that one.
Do you know what I think is funny is you know when you take google maps or whatever and you can like avoid certain streets or whatever. I'd be so funny if Nissan cube people had had it. Just go down the back street.
Yeah they can avoid packs of teams. You fucking cube loser. We were we got so obsessed with it that we wrote the cube into the script of our pilot that the shell and jace the two of the main characters were gonna have a cube but we couldn't get one you can't rent them no one fucking wants them. No one wants them. No one's letting you rent them you have to buy them out right. And someone who owns it doesn't want to rent it out because they're like you're making fun of my fucking cube all right I get it.
I drive a ridiculous car. The Nissan cube now that was very authentic fluent Japanese you're using calling it Nissan. Nissan? Yeah Nissan. What is it Nissan? Nissan is how I would say it. Don't look at me. Nissan. No it sounds like um you spent a bit time in Japan. I thought it was Nissan.
Like Nappy-san. Oh I love Nappy-san. I'm obsessed with Nappy-san.
I started wearing adult diapers. Yeah well it just helps with the leakage and all the milk. I thought they were disposable like what the fuck are you washing? No I mean I just do my pees into it instead of having to go to the toilet which is so time-consuming and frankly boring. I love it on the toilet. I just love it in there.
No. iPad? iPad out. Having your phone in there is a disgrace. Yeah if you bring an iPad into the hurt locker you're a fucking you're a real strong cup of coffee.
And uh yeah yeah you get your iPad out you just zip through LinkedIn have a look what everyone's up to. See what other people are doing in their careers. Yeah I love it.
Now Becky can you tell us a little bit about um in comparison to Newcastle about uh Victoria Point and the part of the world they have a shopping center down there they have a Westfield. What's the closest thing they got a busway?
They don't oh well they didn't have a Westfield when I was growing up there. I actually moved out of there before they got that. I remember when that was just all like it was just a really shoddy shopping center. Yeah it's insane like I didn't live there then. Yeah so you're kind of sleepy regional. Yeah well when I first like I lived there were dirt roads and stuff still when I was when I was younger and now it's just like a full booming place.
Are they fake canals? Yeah big time. Hell yeah. Fake canals. That's where ex-Broncos players end up.
Yeah I'd love to go back I don't know I feel very uneasy about the past. I don't know why. Yeah I hear. Sometimes it just took me a long time to get comfortable going back home.
I killed that chair. Yeah down at the quarry. You killed someone at the quarry? Yeah I didn't well. Did you crush her style with a rock?
Yeah but it wasn't I didn't know she was going to die. Right you thought it would be fun or something. And it wasn't. Yeah and it's like yeah you learn how to be funny you know like those early months you're still testing boundaries yeah. And it wasn't funny and I'll admit that. Well it's good you've been able to move past that though. Thank you I'm really sometimes my anxiety flares up.
How big was the rock was it like boulder mini boulder? About a handful. Oh that's not. About a B cup C cup.
So you would have had to bash her a couple of times. Yeah there's like four or five heavy hits to the head. So after the second one you went this isn't funny. And I was like wait maybe if I did because comedy like offered repetition. And then third time I was like one more fourth and by then it was.
This is not funny. This is not funny and I'm in deep shit. There's only one way to end this.
And I liked it yeah. Legged it to Brisbane. Yeah. City. Brisbane city. This is so wild though I wish I knew this I don't know yonks ago. Yeah I know it's full on. Shit dude. You guys ever done anything like that? A lot of people in Batut have killed people. Yeah really. For what reason? Jealousy. Opals. We had some empty barrels. Oh right.
Pretty close is how Australia comes out. It's like shirting is cap. It's our closest capitol in Adelaide so you know. There are a few people who like to express their culture from being down south and they often make people go away and they cram them into a barrel and they.
And then they clamp it up shut then they roll it down the hill into the gully and then. Buried under above ground pool.
Whoops. And then the cops come past and go oh no. More paperwork. Admin. That's the worst time capsule. I might as well do that. That happened in Newcastle too. At least you put her in some resin we can see who it was. That happened.
I got a job one summer. This was the cheesiest thing. Playing guitar out the front of the kiosk at Bar Beach. Was that a job or you were busking? I was getting paid by the kiosk.
Not much. They gave me a few Coke zeros and um and like 50 bucks to be there for three hours. Bit of flake. Yeah bit of flake.
And I always had a suspicion that the two guys who ran the tuck shop were a couple. But they were both married to other people. I never brought it up with anyone. Years later I read in the paper that they were a couple and one had killed the other and put it in a barrel.
No. For real. What?
That's a nice beach. What's with the bar beach? Beautiful beach. Yeah gorgeous beach. Nice area.
Why does everyone think a barrel is the answer? Like a barrel hasn't been the answer for a long time. No people everyone knows about it. It harks back to it at a simpler time. When barrels fix things. In the simple times we figured out that like concrete boots or like tying someone chaining them to a Bessa block or something.
Yeah. Like that's full proof.
What's the new thing? What's the new way?
Maybe send them out into into the. A surfboard bag apparently. Can you upload someone to the cloud? Yeah surfboard bags a big one.
Yeah but they ended up getting caught so that's probably not the best. It's too mainstream when Chappelle did it you know. The ankle weight didn't hold down.
Rogerson's one. Yeah. Oh no. I'm getting so dark here. How do you get how do you make those? Well.
You just pour make a little square. You put them in in a bucket. Yeah in a bucket.
When they're unconscious. Yeah. Obviously you just have to wait for it to dry. Otherwise they'd be like really off the idea. They'd be like get me out of here guys. You gotta hold them up like a bird. This kick on sucks. All of your mates are weird. Watch that car idling what are you doing? And then you have to wait for it to dry that takes what? A bucket of concrete? Yeah. Have you got to hold them up or do they sit them down? And then you got to take them out to the sea and be like well this is it jerk off. You go on over the side and his is like well I guess there's no talking my way out of this now off the side. Actually got to knock them out and then put their feet in there. It's more fun to like watch the fear in someone's eyes as you would know from the choir.
Yeah. I mean she was out by the first hit. Okay. Yeah.
Like after being like concussed like five times in one day having the boots on I'd be fucking begging to be thrown off the boat because you'd have like it would be so painful. You'd have a headache that not even Charlie Tia could fix it. Just like get me out of here. And then and then let's not forget the pressure of how it must feel having your legs encased in concrete that'd be oh that's so painful like having a cast on your arm times 10.
You never have any of them in your part of the world. Hunter ice skating uh something it was called hiss.
People who go there more than once a year. I think we have one in Acacia Ridge. Brisbane's was in Acacia Ridge. Yeah people don't so there's people that go there more than once a year and I find that it's an interesting unit.
It's not fun you think it's gonna be fun it actually just gives you blisters on the back of you. It was a um year nine year 10 thing where I came from where you'd go on Wednesday night and it was like disco skating and you just go pash people from other schools. That was fun but that was more rollerblading for us that would be Friday night roller skating.
Yeah right. And yeah you play limbo that was at the YMCA in Victoria Point and that was pretty fun play limbo play Red River. Yep.
That was awesome I hooked up heaps. You go there hook up with chicks from Broad Meadow High it was the best. Yeah I hooked up I kissed so many guys.
I couldn't even write them all down. Neither. I wouldn't write them all down because I'm an environmentalist and it would actually take up too much pain. I um gave my number out a lot would receive some calls from the chicks that I'd pashed and often I'd just give them a cold shoulder. No it was a big look up place.
So yeah we're both pretty cool. You were pretty cool in school.
There are people in the suburbs that play ice hockey. Yes yes. There are in Acacia Ridge has a team, Bankstown has a team. I think that's an interesting. It is bogan it is very bogan to want what you can't have. Yeah is it like a Canadian expat community or is it people that weren't good at the sports their mates are playing so they're zoned in on a niche. Yeah it's so weird. I was thinking that when I made a baseball I was like you were really shit at cricket weren't you? Yeah.
But it's like no no good like like Sydney doesn't have an we don't have like an indoor snow thing but the Gold Coast does. The Gold Coast is like we're going to build the snow. But there are ice skating rinks in Sydney where there are teams and stuff and anytime you ask someone what inspired you to get into ice hockey it's always the fucking Mighty Ducks.
Always. That's so embarrassing.
It's just Goldberg and the Bash Brothers. They just want to be in a movie. They don't want to actually play ice hockey.
Apparently like shows and movies do influence people's career aspirations. Like they can track the popularity of medicine like with Scrubs and then again with Grey's Anatomy.
Really? CSI was a big one. Yeah. Apparently those heaps of people that thought they were going to Pila. Yeah and then just closing away blood dissolves congeal blood. Yes. That's awesome. Apparently cops use it on the highway after a Nissan. Just a big two litre. Cube driver just goes yep this is a telegraph ball I'm taking. Gonna take this exit. Yep. Blammo. Exit to heaven.
What else is coming up guys? We're getting back to homicide again. What's going on? Why are we talking about murder all the time? The suburbs brings it down in your head. Yeah. What else is coming up? What have you got coming up?
Well we are both in the new Judd Apatow film which is cool. Yeah we haven't actually announced that yet.
Okay so that's based in Australia. No that's in LA. We're heading over there. Los Angeles.
In January to do that. In Jan. Which is exciting.
I mean it's obvious there's been a lot of press about it but it hasn't really got a name yet. It's just untitled. It's the first one with Seth Rogen and Feral.
Yeah yeah yeah. Oh those guys are so funny. They're so funny so that's gonna be huge for us. Yeah and doing two voices in Toy Story 4. Okay yeah cool. Minor characters obviously it's like we're not. Well Rov remember? Yeah yeah yeah. We spoke to Hamish Blake about this. Rov was in Finding Nemo.
As a crab only in Australasia. Oh no. He got bumped for the American District. So it was just other talk show hosts in other areas probably.
Tracey Grimshaw was in Fucking Finding Nemo. Really? Grimmo? Yeah in the worldwide version. Really? Grimmo went worldwide. Tracey Grimshaw was in the Great Barrier Reef. Yeah. Awesome.
And she was looking for a couple of dodgy tradesmen in the. Who were tipping a Spanish sauce into the reef.
That's great that's great. Yeah well we're just sort of chasing that Rov dollar. You know minor characters. And we're chasing Rov. Yeah. We're in a game of um chasey right now.
We've been playing the same game of tag for 30 years with Rov McManus. So you met him 30 years ago. Did you say hi to your mum for it?
His legs are very short though so she'll be able to run him down. Yeah yeah. We will catch him. Giant dwarf. And when we catch him we will get that rock.
A trusty boulder. A trusty rock.
Well good luck with your endeavors to buy a Nissan Cube. And good luck with the film overseas and the pilot.
Thank you. Back here in Australia and thank you for joining us. Savane Waters is beautiful. Let's go have a drink. All right love you. Rose. All right that's enough of the general chit chat this week. We're gonna head down the road to the pub and have a few glasses of rose. I might even strawpedo a whole bottle Clancy. What do you reckon? Yes that's um that sounds like a nice way to do it.
We saw them doing that down in McLaren Vale and the surrounds of Adelaide. We were down there last week with the show. But yes we've got two um as you are now aware very hyperactive stand-up comedians to entertain. So we'll catch you next week.
My name is Clancy Overall. You be kind to each other. And my name is Errol Parker. Never talk to the cops without legal counsel present.
They aren't your friends. They're out to get you. They're out to ruin your lives. |
SaturdayNightLive | always_and_forever_snl | Kids asleep, honey, sound asleep.
Oh Jim. I need you to take Tommy to practice tomorrow, Okay, Okay? don't forget my mother. She's coming over to dinner Friday, right? did you get the car fixed? Yes, it was a lot less than what I thought. Oh good, got it. these will be ready in about two weeks.
What's the matter? Nothing? I love you. What's wrong?
I said nothing. Jim. Oh, all right. come on. Deb. What did I do?
Okay, how about I'm the only girl at the prom wearing a wrist corsage instead of a beautiful bouquet too much my son in town, but a one-of-a-kind gown. Oh, I thought you'd like it. it's called a nose, Bud. No one else is wearing one. Everyone's staring at me. Everyone think, oh my god, um, you didn't even pick it out, did you? she loves you, and I didn't want to get the wrong thing.
Come on Dad, let's dance. come on Dad. I love you. let's dance.
What's the matter? Deb, I love you. What's wrong? do you have any idea what next week is?
Sphinx versus Ali? I know, I was just kidding. you didn't give me a chance to stay psyched and besides might have got my foxy lady a great gift. And I bet you can't guess what it is. I know what it isn't what. Try a rabbit fur coat. Oh, that's not what Linda said. The gift I really want. Everybody knows that she's jealous of me because I'm a fox and she's not. Oh so, what did you get me? Oh my god, not another cow neck. Why would you listen to Linda?
You never. You didn't even like oh my God, That's it. you like her. Oh My God. I could not even believe you say that. No, don't even say that.
No Jimbo. it's true. I want to deal my mother's value right now. Oh My God. you're scaring me. Oh great. Come on future rabbit fur owner. let's dance. Why are you smiling like that Jimbo. There's something I want to tell you, wait a second. Oh Dad, you look just like Farrah Fawcett when you do that. Jim.
Oh, I love him more than I can ever love anyone. And tonight after the prom, I'm ready to show you just how much.
Oh My. God, Deb. are you serious? I want to give you a Bj. Oh My. God. |
cracked | 5_videos_that_tried_to_be_cute_and_failed_hilariously | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 15 of Cracked TV, where wearing sweater vests always is mandatory. Seriously, if I don't, they dock my pay. Isn't that right orientation guy from the Hudsucker proxy? I'm a doctor!
Due to conditions placed on our receiving of government bailout money, today's topic is five videos they thought would be cute. The number of babies represented in YouTube videos is roughly twice the global population. Statistically speaking, every pristine child laughing adorably represents the tip of an iceberg of terrible videos that the uploaders thought would be cute when the cameras started rolling. And though they failed at that task, here are five that managed to swing all the way back around to horrifying. What's cuter than a baby?
Nothing. That's what.
And this one starts off strong. Bitch has got some moves, but after her mom starts challenging her, she proves she's also got impeccable timing. Not to mention aim, she should get a goldfish in a bag or something. Although my favorite part of the video is the dismount, as the mother defies all logic by not dashing the baby to the ground and sprinting for the sink.
Frankly, it's a little awkward. What's cuter than a baby? Kinda anything now. So let's hit the other standby, tiny animals. I mean there's certainly nothing about a puppy crying out to be held that could be utterly terrifying, right? Ah, get it away. It sounds like the horse baby from Eraserhead trying to imitate human speech. It's probably flinging itself against the rail in an attempt to end its miserable life. Okay, so babies and animals are out, but what if we combine the two? I mean nothing beats a baby playing with an animal while their loved ones look on with smiling faces. Okay, so choice of animal, also a factor.
This is absolutely negligent. I mean letting your kid live in India, come on. That's what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are for.
On the bright side though, at least this dude knows how to fight snakes now. Ah, knew how to fight snakes.
I see what the problem is. We've been sending babies to do a man's job. I'll bet a trained adult can fulfill all our cuteness needs.
Let's all go to the lobby.
Well, the first act was pretty good. And hey, at least the adult managed to subdue his animal after some... ...effort. Fine, forget humans, forget animals. But what about some kind of hybrid? Like if an adorable kitten made love to a baby. Or failing that, how about an animal doing something human, something that shows he thinks he's people? Ladies and gentlemen, please avert your eyes for the cavalcade of animal masturbation.
Well, that does it for this episode. Hey Clippy, what'd you think about that last one? Pretty cute, huh? It will not be repeated. Yeah, you say that now. And remember, if you want to help me pick next week's topic, you better start clipping those box tops. I've been your host, Droid Michael Slime. A wow me to play you out. |
dropout | i_can_t_decide_what_my_last_meal_should_be | Can't! Have you decided on your last meal? No, not yet. Well, you need to choose before you're executed. Time's running out.
I just don't know what I want, you know. I just don't know what I'm in the mood for.
Just pick something. I've always loved like a really good seafood paella. With fish, little shrimps. Just put it in my mouth. But it takes like an hour to make, so never mind.
Come on, how about chicken? Chicken? Chicken. Did you say chicken? Chicken.
Don't kiss that. But how would the chicken be prepared? Any way you want. What if I have like the best chicken in the entire world? That would be so delicious. What does that even mean? Where would we find that? You're right. Good point. Is this objective chicken being the best? Oh, how about a really good omelet?
No, keep going. Ash brown? No.
Some sausage? No, that's more of a breakfast. Breakfast is good all the time.
I just don't really feel like it. I don't want it. Look, I can't do my job until you decide.
You're holding everyone up. Oh, I know. I really am trying. I'm trying so hard.
What about a full buffet? And then I can have a little bit of everything. No, we're not going to make you a buffet. How about a pastrami sandwich and potato pancakes?
Oh my God, no. I have that every freaking night. What? I had it last night. How'd you get that? I'm friends with the cook. Rick. Hey, have you ever seen a dead body? Well, I've seen 50. How about a lobster? Huh?
That's fancy. There's so much money. I don't want to put the taxpayers out like that. Hands, hands, hands. Sorry. Jesus Christ, will you just hurry up? I know.
I just don't know. I really don't know.
And I don't want to make you mad again. OK. How about you just surprise me, OK? And then I will have whatever you have, a little chef's choice of a meal. Fine.
Then you're going to have the traditional last meal. Steak, eggs, hash browns, and toast. No, no. That's just a breakfast again. I still don't really feel like a breakfast. You shut up about breakfast.
Ooh. What about a grilled cheese and tomato soup? That's a classic. That does sound good. But here's the thing.
Cheese makes my stomach hurt. You're literally going to die right after. What does it matter if you have a tummy? Ugh. Do you know what I just realized? If I had just ordered the seafood paella, it would be done already, and I'd be eating it. Ugh.
Just pick something. What if I go vegan for my last meal? Will that score me some points? No. Absolutely not. How could it? You shot all 50 members of the Johnson family at their family picnic last summer. Hands, hands, hands. Good point. Plus, I don't know if I'm ready to come into a vegan diet for the rest of my life. This is your last meal. You're going to be dead. Yeah, you're right. Now is not the time to experiment. Maybe. Please, just choose. You're running out of time, and I'm going to have to give you the exact same thing that all the other inmates are having today.
Yeah, that's fine. Really? Yeah. Are you sure?
You're going to eat it? Oh, I'll eat all of it. Promise?
Pinky. No, pinky.
Okay. Five feet, five feet. Now that's a last meal. Please send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
TheOnion | breaking_tour_de_france_on_hold_as_cyclists_ride_over_to_creek_to_check_out_bugs | Fans of the Tour de France will be disappointed to hear that the race has been put on hold for an indefinite amount of time, as many of the world's top cyclists are currently riding over to the creek to check out cool bugs. Our Chad Williams is live in Bergerac, France. Thanks Rachel. Roads that should be full of bikers are empty this afternoon. Right now, the riders were supposed to be here, making the climb up the legendary Mont Vento. But instead, they rode into the woods after German cyclist Andre Greipel heard that there were a bunch of stick bugs down at the creek, and then everybody wanted to go down there and throw rocks at them.
That's when Dimitri Moravia reportedly skinned his knee but didn't care, and Irish champion Nicolas Roach announced he saw this big weird frog with like an extra arm or something. But it was hard to tell because it hopped away too fast.
Race officials have not put a time frame on when the event will pick up again. We hope to get the race going again as soon as possible, but if the racers find a log you can climb all the way inside of, or a snake that everyone is afraid to pick up, it could be ours. We've asked them to stop what they are doing because we'll all get in trouble if whoever owns the creek finds out, but they just rode off to mess with people's mailboxes. Some fans, however, say that delays like this are just part of the sport. You know, it's all part of the race. You just have to go with it. If these guys weren't pros, their moms wouldn't let them ride so far from the house. People keep saying that this is going to delay the race, but if I know these boys like I think I do, they're going to find some awesome shortcut through someone's backyard. The unexpected detour is the longest delay in cycling since 1996, when Lance Armstrong got a new N64 and invited everyone to come inside and play.
Rachel? Okay, thanks Chad. Now, any indication of what the cyclists are up to right now? Well, officials have told us that the Creek Friends, as they're calling themselves, has started chasing each other down and smooshing clumps of wet leaves on each other's necks. Okay, and is there any truth to the rumor that they might get back on their bikes and ride to Caroline's house next? It's possible. I want to see if her older sister is wearing her bathing suit in the front yard again. But keep in mind, these guys can ride their bikes very fast, so they could really go anywhere and no one can stop them. Alright, thanks Chad. Let's hope they start racing again soon.
I want to see which boy has the fastest bike. Next up, the heartwarming story of a father who says he loves his gay son, but not like that. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_matrix | Would you please remove any metallic items you're carrying? Keys? Boost change? Holy shit!
The Matrix. The blockbuster hit of 1999 wowed audiences with its incredible fight scenes and deep philosophical questions. Here are some facts that will change the way you watch The Matrix forever. In the original script, instead of a red pill and a blue pill, Morpheus presents Neo with two sandwiches. Pastrami on rye and grilled cheese. To prepare for this fight scene, actress Carrie-Anne Moss interviewed the widows of dozens of police officers to learn how their husbands died.
Follow the white rabbit appears on Neo's screen. Then a white rabbit appears on this woman's arm.
This is to foreshadow all the jumping Neo will do later on in the film. Here's the chief antagonist of The Matrix and one of the most famous villains in movie history, Mr. Reinhardt. Neo's boss delivers a chilling monologue where he threatens Neo with a well-paying nine-to-five job. Throughout the film, Neo is hunted by Mr. Reinhardt's goons who want to drag him back to work.
Here's a cool fact. Keanu Reeves ad-libbed these lines where he talks about how strange it is to be a professional actor and get paid millions of dollars just to say some words in front of a camera. This is insane. What is happening? Here's a cool fact. In a deleted scene, the owner of this dojo screams at Morpheus for breaking the floor and he ends up having to pay the guy $50 to have it fixed. Look familiar? The actor who played Spoon Boy was also the woman in the red dress. Okay, here's a huge plot hole.
When Mouse dies in The Matrix, he dies in real life. When Switch and APOC die in The Matrix, they also die in real life. But later when Neo dies in The Matrix, he's fine in real life.
That's just a sloppy mistake. You might not know this, but the filmmakers did not ask the building owner for permission before destroying this lobby.
In the original script, these robots are referred to as Dale Earnhearts because they can move so fast. Here's a fun fact. The bullet time sequence sucks. Now we get to everyone's favorite. The subway fight. The choreography is incredible, but it gets even more impressive when you learn that both actors are very good friends. They did not want to fight. It took 10 days to shoot this scene because they kept stopping to hug each other. Watch out for Mr. Reinhardt's goons. How did they avoid killing Keanu Reeves with these guns? Nobody knows.
The Wachowskis wanted Rage Against the Machine on the soundtrack because they were the ones who first invented the idea of fighting machines. The band's 1992 debut album coined new words that are now common in science fiction, including AI, robot, and computer. I hope this video will be your own red pill, awakening you to a whole new appreciation of The Matrix. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_164_Human_Nature | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show recording live here from downtown Petuta in the old city district and we've actually had a bit of a run recently in guests.
We had the amazing Grace Tame a couple weeks ago. We had Anthony Albanese joined us, the leader of the opposition, in case you forgot we had one. And this week we have the pride of Bankstown. Toby Allen and Mike Tierney from Human Nature.
Thank you for joining the Petuta Advocate radio show. G'day. Thanks for having us. Great to be here.
Now Errol, who usually co-hosts with me, is off chasing a story up north in Baduri today. There's been some electoral fraud, we believe, in the local council elections. So it's just me holding the reins now.
You wouldn't believe it. Coming from Bankstown, you guys wouldn't know about, you know, corrupt local councils, would you?
No, not at all. And living in America for the past 12 years. Corruption in politics? No. Never happens.
So tell us, I want to go back to the start of Human Nature. I guess I did say Bankstown, but that's just vague. I'm saying that because your first gig was out there in the town hall at Bankstown. You are all from that kind of region though, Sydney? The west to southwest? Yeah, we all went to the same high school actually, it was a Hurlstone Agricultural High School.
Out in Glenfield.
Yeah, it's a part farming school. So we actually did that up until, you had to do it up until like year 10. You had to take agriculture and do, you know, throwing the sheep and pregnancy testing cows. Fencing. Yeah, a bit of growing your own garden veggie patch and yeah, so it was kind of fun doing that at school. It was weirdly that we decided to put a vocal group together in that environment, and it wasn't the most popular choice probably, seeing as it was a big rugby school too. We would come and sing at different things and often have a bit of fruit thrown at us here and there. So that was fun.
Character building. It was character building.
But you were all choir trained. Yeah, we'd all grown up singing as well. Andrew and Mike's mum is a piano teacher and we'd all grown up playing piano and singing was like this. It was second nature to us, but yeah, I think we were the only four guys in the school choir. So it was, Andrew actually had the idea to put this, to arrange it on 50 song Earth Angel and bring it to the rest of us to see if we wanted to give it a go. So we were the only four options to go into the vocal group and yeah, we just loved it so much. We loved singing together, loved the sound that we created and then just proceeded to get booked to sing the national anthem and stuff at school events and that was sort of the start of it. But yeah, it was sort of very humble beginnings, but yeah, we just loved it.
Doo-wop. Doo-wop was the sound when you first kind of hit the ground? Yeah, I guess that's kind of what we modelled ourselves on those, you know, the doo-wop groups. It was actually from, if you remember in the movie Back to the Future when Marty McFly goes back to the enchantment under the sea ball and he does Earth Angel and he plays it at the, and so that was the song that my brother, Andrew, he arranged it. And it was just kind of, yeah, really harking back, I guess, to those, those doo-wop days of the fifties and sixties, we thought that was kind of cool. And then when was your first jump off moment do you think?
When was it when you were like, okay, you were known by four tracks. Four tracks with an X, thank you very much. Four tracks with an X. So we sang all through school and when we left school, Phil, Andrew and I went on to university, started our degrees, but we, we were still the four tracks and we went in a whole lot of talent quests, like RSL clubs and, and around, around Sydney.
And I think we ended about 10 of them and ended up winning them all. And we actually now, regional tour at the moment, we sort of laugh about the fact that we had this archipelago version of Danny boy, that whenever we whipped out Danny boy, the rest of the competitors were like, oh no, here they go. So yeah, we were certainly playing to our audience with those songs, but it was a sort of, I guess early nineties when groups like boys to men and take that were really big. And I know that Andrew and Mike, they started doing a whole lot of songwriting for original music and we started demoing it. And yeah, we sort of thought that if, you know, groups like that could have these sort of big careers, then maybe we should stop singing songs like Danny boy and do something a little more contemporary.
Yeah. Then all of a sudden you're kind of touring, touring the country with Celine Dion. That was, I mean, there was a few, I imagine there was a few talent shows in between. The first big thing we did was actually supporting Michael Jackson. Oh, wow. That came first. Yeah, that was the first big, I think Celine was first. Celine, it was around the same kind of similar time. Yeah. Same year. But yeah, we ended up supporting Michael Jackson and Celine kind of simultaneously around Europe, we would go doing his show and then we would go and support her doing her show. But that was an incredible experience to be part of that. And that the machine that was that Michael Jackson touring thing was incredible. I mean, that was one stroke of luck for us.
We've been with Sony Music now for 26 years. And so we'd signed with them in 95 and pretty sort of, we sort of were pretty bold with what we were doing.
We went in and had a meeting with a meeting organized with one of the A&R guys there and played some of the demos and said, Oh, look, we want to sing for you. And he was like, no, no, no, you don't need to. And we're like, no, we want to sing for you. And we sang people get ready, which is a song that's sort of been associated with us now, I guess.
And he got so excited that he went and we ended up singing for Dennis Hanlon, the head of Sony pretty close after that, and he offered us a deal on the spot. And so we, we started recording those those tracks. But then the next the beginning of the next year, the Celine tour was on and she was with Sony. And so there was sort of this great alignment. You know, it was the best launching pad we ever could have dreamt of getting on those two tours.
You find when, you know, when a when a big boy group pops up, Britain's had their waves. But quite often you look at One Direction, which is a kind of more recent kind of success story, but there's always got the similar thing. I think five was the same with these people plucked out on like a maybe it was an Australian Idol audition. They plucked out of the line and said, actually, no, we'll put all you together. Do you think you guys have done distance and you've been stays in the industry because it was such an organic starting pad where you were all mates and you were all I think so. I guess our origin was was more like a how a rock band would probably get together, you know, often that they get together in high school, schoolmates, you know, that. So I played Danny Boy and then bring a few RSL comps.
Yeah, but that I guess I think that is probably a big part of why. And also because we've said it before, but also at that time, we're allowed to just be together as a group for a few years and make kind of bad choices, you know, and today I think it's often, you know, this thrust into the spotlight. So, you know, off the voice or one of those shows that where they're into the spotlight and they if they do make mistakes, they get kind of jumped on through social media. So we were kind of lucky that we didn't have any of that that we had to go through when we were kids. And we could kind of stumble our way through and find our way to to starting. And yeah, I guess that's. But yeah, I think you're right that that friendship from high school has been a big part of why we're still together, I think. I mean, in terms of timing, you will very much a fully formed touring Australian band and you've done your overseas stuff, but you have your household name in Australia, just as the Olympics were happening.
So that kind of the kind of worked well for you to there in that sense. Was that how was that?
Tell us about the Olympics. Yeah, it was crazy. You know, we we actually consciously campaigned like we were telling everybody, everybody on the street we passed, you know, oh, we'd love to sing at the Olympics, you know, trying to get that gig, because I mean, every Aussie artist would want to be on there. And we actually knew for quite a while before the Olympics that we were going to be doing it, but we couldn't tell anybody. And it was it was the worst. You know, we just wanted to shout it from the rooftops. But it was it was probably one of our proudest moments, you know, to stand up there and and, you know, represent the country at this opening ceremony. And, you know, it's we're not we're not going to get the chance again in our lifetimes, I wouldn't imagine. So, yeah, it was very it was surreal, I mean, particularly the audience in the stadium itself was massive, let alone, you know, I think they thought billions of people were watching around the world. I mean, we had a lot to be nervous about.
Yeah, yeah. You know, yeah, like you said, we've been performing together for such a long time up to that point, you know, we sort of just sucked it up and took it in our stride. But we were shaking in our boots a bit that night. And then there was like, I mean, I guess the coming out of Doo-Wop four tracks, and then you'd be kind of singing, you're harmonising a lot. And that was that was that was kind of the early memories of human nature. And then and then there was a pop album. How was that? Because that obviously, there was a lot more attitude. Yeah, sleeves came off. Here we go. Bit of frosted tip action, we're on here. We went with the whole hog. But yeah, well, the first album telling everybody was I mean, that was a pop record too. But I guess we weren't kind of embracing the whole everywhere we went, there was this whole thing that about the boy band, there was an explosion of boy bands around the world, you know, Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, and that really took off, you know, it was really the sound of the late 90s, early 2000s. And we kind of had our own thing going. And then I think it was around that time, we released He Don't Love You. He Don't Love You, which was and we we just went down that whole, we just embraced it. Hard choreography. Yeah, it was.
I literally used to have to go and visit my osteo. Because there's all that like head slamming stuff. And I literally he used to tell me that I'd I would have like dislodged my skull from where it usually sits because I was like banging my head so hard. So yeah, pop music is dangerous people.
Did you find it was different in how people interacted with you after that? You know, you're no longer the all those darlings from the Olympics. I actually think it's sort of in a weird way. We finally become the group that people thought that we were because we, for a lot of years, we we actually fought against that label of boy bands, you know, because, like you said before, you know, a lot of those known boy bands were manufactured, they were auditioned. And, and so we sort of really fought against that, because we're like, no, we're not like that we've grown up differently, we've evolved differently.
But I think, you know, our true colors, Sean, with something like He Don't Love You, because, you know, essentially, that's what we wanted to do as well. We wanted to be a pop group. And that was sort of the most pop we've ever been. Yeah.
And what kind of tours we talking about at that time? We did a few tours. We did some touring around the UK. We kind of, you know, we're supporting a group called Eternal, a group called Eternal. We did some, yeah, so we released some records in the UK, all around Europe as well. We did some touring around Asia and Japan. So it was, you know, it's great to be able to, you know, see different parts of the world.
And, but we'd always come back and Australia has always been, you know, our biggest place to tour. So we'd always kind of end up here in Australia with a, you know, triumphant turn around the country, which was great.
We actually, like going back to the when we released that first album, and we did those tours with Selena Michael, then the following year, we got to do those tours, like Mike said, over in Europe. And our album in Australia was already out. But we were touring so much that we hadn't even had a chance to tour that album yet.
So the experience of being on particularly the Michael Jackson tour and seeing him perform, it was like, we, we were getting ideas that we couldn't have spaceships exploding throughout through our stage or anything like that. But, you know, just to watch, you know, a master entertainer like that do his show. I think it taught us a lot. And so we came back sort of really excited about doing, I think our very first headline tour was in 97. And, and we tried to pull out all the stops for that within our budget, of course. But yeah, the live shows are where we enjoy, we, I think we enjoy the most.
I mean, you get that instant sort of reaction from the crowd and recording records is great. But getting that feedback straight away from the crowd is there's nothing like it.
Do any of you play instruments?
Yeah.
We all play a bit of, we all play a bit of piano, probably Andrew and Phil probably the most, you know, and then Toby played trumpet. Yeah, not in our show, but we did try and get all sort of musical on one of our albums when so Andrew was on the keys. Phil played a bit of guitar and I had a shaker. Did you play anything? No, I didn't play anything.
The finger snaps. But the shaker is actually quite hard. I'm doing it on our regional tour at the moment as well. And you gotta be in the pocket.
Otherwise it's really bad. It's a disaster.
So touring, we, uh, Tudor Avig has done a, uh, and we always, we always indulgently bring this up when we interview, uh, people who have toured the world many times over. We did a national tour once with, uh, six venues. Um, and we found it, we were doing, you know, a stage show in 90 minutes.
No instruments, no, no anything.
But we did find the before and after a show in front of a lot of people are very similar feelings. I mean, the come up and then the come down. And meeting musicians now, especially the introverted guitar people who kind of get put on stage and become rockstars who didn't really want that. You can see how they might just not go to sleep. You know, how is it touring, especially with you've come to a point in your career where you actually go night after night after night after night. How do you guys prepare and how do you go to bed? Well, I think, yeah, as you said, we've now done it to, I think actually doing the whole residency in Las Vegas, I think has got us to a point where we can see it as a job almost. You know, we go on stage, we do, we, the way we structure our show and there's a lot of work that goes into it, you know, to make it a great experience for the audience. But yeah, when we go on and off, we kind of, yeah, it's just, we've got used to that, I suppose.
And that feeling of how you wind yourself down. What were some of the nerves like Michael Jackson end of your career?
In the beginning. Yeah. Like what was, how were you guys doing?
Four little blokes from, from ag school sitting there next door.
I remember like those, the first Michael Jackson shows like in Australia and he'd walk on stage, like we would go on for soundcheck or something and you're walking on this stage and you see all the, like the little stage markings for like props and things and there's like, they're all labeled and there's like thriller and beat it. And you're thinking, oh my God, I'm going to be performing on this stage that this legend is going to be performing on. It better be good. And you know, you just got to, at some point you just got to sort of, the nerves go, like once you get into the music, it's, yeah. And you see people having fun and yeah, and then certainly now, you know, more people know us and their expectations are different now at the start of a show than they used to be.
Yeah. You're not throwing something new in front of them. No, no, no. Well, you mentioned Vegas there. How did that come about? Was that off Celine's mentoring? You decided to do a residency in Vegas because she, she actually was a pioneer of that as well, just the night after night. Yeah.
She was one of the first sort of big acts to do that. But we, it kind of came from our, in about sort of 2006, I think it was, we did a Motown record, which was a big success here in Australia. And it, yeah, we put together a show which was based on an old Motown review, you know, like they used to do, they would tour around the States. They would have all these, the Motown acts and it was incredible. You know, you'd see the posters. It was like Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, the Jacksons, and they'd all be on this bill where they'd have all those incredible songs. So we, we kind of wanted to hark back to that for this, the show that we put together for that album. And it was really, it was actually the guy who took Thunder from Down Under to Vegas, came, he saw that show and he said to us, like, guys, I think this would work great in Las Vegas.
You can keep your shirts on.
He wanted us for Thunder, but we said, no, we're going to stick to the music and we said, oh, you know, we kind of thought, oh, that sounds interesting. You know, kind of, we didn't think how it would happen, you know, or if it could happen. And so kind of a few years went by and then they were just looking for rooms. That was the hardest thing really was to find a showroom that would become available for us to do it. Because, you know, over there we were an unknown act really. So for someone to take that risk and put our show in there was, it was going to take a bit of work.
So eventually they got the opportunity, it was an old casino called the Imperial Palace, which was, it was like the ugliest house on the, you know, the best street basically. It was right across from Caesar's Palace and, you know. We're talking the 70s era.
Oh, total, it was all like themed, like kind of Chinese themes, like dragons and stuff. Wooden dragons everywhere.
And the show that had been in there for how long? I think it had been in there for like 20 years. This legends show that was in the showroom was finally leaving. And this showroom became available and, you know, they rang us.
Guys, do you want to try this out? Do you want to give it a go with your Motown show?
And so we all, remember we all sat down together with our partners and saying, you know, we've got this opportunity, but it means we have to all move there, uproot and move there. And it was like, we could last for a month, you know. It could last for, who knows, like six weeks. We could be gone.
But so we did it. We took the punt and went into that room at the Imperial Palace and yeah. And then we end up being there now in Vegas. The show ran for about 11 years. So was it always in the Imperial? Yeah, we started off there. And actually one of the main reasons we got there in the first place was that we'd on our, we'd always said, we just do that one Motown record and that's enough.
And then we thought, well, no, it's such a big success that we probably should look at doing a second one, but definitely not a third. And so we did the second one and it was also a success. So we thought, how can we do the third one different?
And that's when we got to do some duets with like Temptations, Martha Rees and Smokey Robinson. And it was through our, you know, through us meeting Smokey and him loving what we were doing with the music that he just, he fell in love with us. And he was sort of one of the big reasons we got to Vegas because he agreed, he'd said to us when we first met him, he said, oh, look, if there's anything I can ever do to help you guys, just let me know. And we said, well, actually Smokey, we're looking at this show in Vegas.
Do you mind putting your name to it? And so he did, it was literally attached. Yeah. It was Smokey Robinson presents Australia's human nature. Really? Yeah.
So he's been, you know, we're so thankful for him for his support. And so, yeah, we did the Imperial palace for about four and a half, five years, and then moved up to the Venetian and we'd been there for like seven years.
I think longest running show there. That's a big whack. I mean, that's very impressive.
And the work must've been, how many nights a week was it? We started off doing six nights a week, that was intense. We all actually, we all ended up, cause we were just performing, we'd never done shows like that. You know, we'd done tours where we go out for like two or three weeks and, but never just that constant. So we all ended up looking like whippets, like we just lost so much weight. We're doing the dancing and performing that show six nights a week. And it was just, yeah, it was full on. But we ended up cutting it down to five shows a week, which was kind of what we regularly went to.
But yeah, it was, you know, it was amazing to, yeah, it was a lot of work, but also it was kind of good in a way that it really makes you match fit, you know, in singing and performing. And also some nights when you don't quite feel like it, it forces you to get into the moment, you know? So I think that's really helped us be better performers.
So the culture of Vegas, I guess, is, I mean, obviously it's, everything's in Vegas. You got anything, any form of entertainment, kids, lots for adults, gambling, partying. But also this thing about shows is a big thing. You know, a family will come through from anywhere in America, Hawaii, Australia, and they've done their research and they all want to go see that. I want to go see that. Were there seasons within all of this where you get the most? Yeah, there definitely is.
And it's sort of in the, in the summertime. So in the height of summer shows actually aren't that successful, you know? Well, it sort of drops off a bit there. I mean, some shows like the classics, like O, the Cirque du Soleil show, just like sells out all year round. But, you know, in the summertime, it's all about the pools and the clubs. And so the audience is younger and they don't go to as many shows. And sort of in, right after Christmas and January, it's a bit slow. But for most of the year, apart from those, it's pretty cranking for shows.
Tell me what happens in the scenario where you've lost your voice. Five nights a week for the foreseeable future. No voice. Well, we would have to can't. So there was a couple of shows we did where there's literally no way you can make a sound. You know, because there is four of us, you know, we could, someone can cover other parts of the song or whatever. So we would try and make our way through as best we could. But yeah, if literally someone lost their voice, like no voice, we would have to cancel.
We've done shows where like, I remember one where Phil had this sort of stomach bug thing, but he did the show, but like had to like run off mid-show, sort himself out, run back on. So the show must go on. Yeah, you went through it. It was kind of doing it that regularly. You do go through, you kind of, yeah, because it's like anything, you know, you have nights where you've got a bad stomach, you might have a stomach bite. So you just got to push through. And I remember one, I ran to the side of stage just at the very end of the show and just literally vomited into it. I mean, it wasn't because it was just some stomach, but I just had to make it to the end and then just vomited into a bin on the side and it was like, wow, he really got to push through. The show must go on.
That's not the answer. I was expecting you guys to maybe say, yeah, sometimes we lip sync. No, no, this is the real work. You guys are pushing through Rain, Hail or Shine. And I think we got so, yeah, like Mark said, so match fit there for a while that we literally in all the years we've been there, we've probably max cancelled about, I don't know, 15, 20 shows at the max. Yeah. That's maybe the hardest working band in Australia.
A couple of, a couple of them might've been because somebody was under the weather. Somebody that wasn't, isn't in this room right now. So I'm not giving away names, but it was either Phil or Andrew.
How was, uh, I mean, you, you went over there with partners, most of you. Yep. So that probably was a different phase in human nature in itself, where might've been in a bit more trouble dumping you four blokes in Las Vegas in 19 years of age. Yeah.
I mean, we, yeah, we had a good head on our shoulders and, you know, we, we realised that, you know, our families were there and that we would have to make a life for ourselves outside of the strip, you know? So we, we all lived about in the suburbs. Yeah, more so 15, 20 minutes off the strip. Toby was a bit closer probably to the, to the strip than we were. But, um, yeah, so, and out there life is just normal life. You know, it's not like crazy Vegas town, you know, out in the, uh, out in the burbs there. But, um, I guess we just drove to the strip every night to work.
The only difference is in every gas station and supermarket, there are poker machines, literally. You arrive in the airport and there's poker machines there.
They're everywhere. Gas stations. Yeah, seven 11s, everything.
Really? Yeah. So what is culturally, I just fascinated by this.
The first people I've ever met who lived in Vegas, I think a couple of basketballers, Australian basketballs might've been over there. Liz Cambridge may have gotten a start in Vegas the other day, but pre COVID of course.
What's, uh, what, what's it like? Does it feel like a city or does it feel like a kind of town that is servicing a strip?
Yeah. I mean, it's very much that, you know, it's, um, it's the bit, the most noticeable thing for, I found moving over there was that there's very little community. Yeah.
And also because of the, you know, the temperature swing during the year, like the summer is just brutal.
So everybody drives everywhere. So nobody's out walking and saying hi to each other. And I mean, you know your neighbors, but you don't walk down to the nearest cafe. So everybody drives. And so there's a sort of disconnect there with, with people.
I mean, you can make it happen for yourself, but as a city, it's, um, it's very much all geared towards barefoot bowls. That's all geared towards supporting the strip and the casinos. And, and that's why, you know, I think COVID had a massive impact on it because there was so much of Vegas that just didn't have anything to do.
So was that curtains for, for the residency or were you already thinking about coming back here? I know you're doing a national tour here was, uh, was, did it COVID certainly gave you the excuse to come home for a little while? Yeah. COVID sort of forced a hand, I guess. You know, that I don't, it wouldn't have been our choice to, to kind of finish that way. I don't think it would be anyone's choice, but yeah, because it was literally, I remember it was like the night, a couple of nights before it all shut down.
We were all talking with our band and the guys they're saying, oh, you know, this might be just, you know, just a week. We'll see, we'll talk to you guys in a week.
And then it was like two weeks went by in the months. And then, you know, eventually the casino itself said they were just ending the contract because they weren't opening the showrooms anymore. So yeah, I mean, it was unfortunate, I guess, to end that way.
So, but it, you know, I guess we'll, we'll just wait and see if there's, you know, if the opportunity came up again and a great room came available, then we'd, we'd absolutely look at that at some point. But it's, it's also, it has forced us to come back and we're enjoying being back and doing shows here in Australia and getting out to some places we haven't been before. And it's been great.
So the second gen, you know, the kids that human nature had over there, are they all speaking with American accents? Depends on who they speak to. My twins, my daughter, she's got much more of an American accent most of the time. My son's got more, more of an Aussie accent, but yeah, she'll change. She'll, they'll both sort of swing and change depending on who they're speaking to.
The pivotal point where they can do that now. Yeah. So what's this national tour looking like? And are the family coming on this one? Well, they're, our families are out here now that sort of got out of quarantine a week or two ago. So they're out here in Australia and we're going, well, this more regional tour we're doing is, is literally us and one musician. We've got one guy. So we're doing more acoustic versions of our songs and it's very stripped back.
38 dates? More, I think. I think we're close to 50.
Really? Yeah.
It's like Vegas all over again. It's really fun. Like we haven't done it for 15 years and you know, a lot of the towns we've been to before, but a lot we haven't. And you can see, particularly after the year everybody's had, you can really see it in people's faces that they're just loving being out, having a good time, trying to forget the past year.
And yeah, we've had to reschedule like a week of Victorian dates so far. That was meant to be this week, but we, I think we're going to manage to fit them into July. So we're not going to leave people stranded. And yeah, we go through till through till August with this one. And then we change gears and do our big national tour that we had to postpone from last year. The Good, Good Life tour. So that kicks off end of August.
So what can the fans expect for this acoustic one? Is it human nature on guitar or is it Motown or?
It's really us kind of telling our story. You know, it's a bit more songs and story based, you know, kind of taking people through our career from when we started in high school and how we kind of started there. And then kind of getting into the, how human nature became to be who they are, you know, with the first record and writing songs.
So a bit of talking as well. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's kind of, it's nice actually to do it that way. And I think people have been enjoying that side of it too. And it's nice for us to, you know, just have a break from, you know, all the singing. And we're not probably dancing as much, you know, in this as well. We're just sitting on stools and kind of singing and telling our story, which is really cool. And there may even be a little snippet of Danny boy.
If the crowd wants it. Yeah. Can I get a, can I get a yeah? You'll get it. Well, thanks for joining us today. Toby and Mike, human nature. You know, as I said before, the pride of Bankstown, pride of Australia, pride of Vegas for 11 years. Yeah. 11 years it was there. Yep.
And now they're back 38 closer to 50 dates regionally around the country. And then, and then we'll do the, uh, do the Metro cities.
It's been a great chat. Thank you. Thanks for coming on. |
SaturdayNightLive | penne_alla_vodka_snl | It's there for us when we gather to say goodbye, and when we gather to say hello, it's there for us. When one chapter ends, and when a new one begins, it's there when we bring home the win, and there when we leave home for our next adventure. Whenever we gather, for reasons happy or sad, it's there for us. A big ass aluminum tray. A Penny Alivaca Loved by none, but tolerated by all Because it's not that good, it's not that bad either. It may not stay hot, but it never gets all the way cold. With a name fancy enough for adults, but a taste bland enough for children because you may not agree on much. but we can all agree that a big-ass aluminum tray of Penny Alivaca is fine when we grieve, when we celebrate, when we honor our life's work, a big fat tray of Penny Alivaca served by a slippery plastic spoon with a little deli container of Parmesan cheese next to it, and a salad absolutely drenched in creamy balsamic For all of life's moments, big or small, wherever we gather, it's there for us. Penny Alivaca from the makers of untouched tray of cookies. |
dropout | defender_of_the_basic_hardly_working | Now, see, Beethoven actually refers to the Charles Grodin character. The dog is Beethoven's monster.
Oh, fuck. I'm gonna have to rewrite this entire thing piece. Sorry. Screw it.
Hey, Jess! What are you up to? Scented candles! I'm decorating my room this weekend.
Aww. Cool. You gonna hang up some little fairy lights, too? Yeah. Do you have, like, gauzy curtains and a sign that says dream? Yeah! How did you guys know that?
I'm sorry, Jess. Sometimes you can be, like, a little basic. Oh. It's whatever. I'm sorry. Oh!
What ho, ye know-it-alls and killjoys? Your days of terror are at an end. Who are you? It is I, Sir John Doe, the normal knight, defender of the basic and champion of the play. My lady, these brigands are not ensorcelled you with their pretentiary or made fun of you for caring too much about your own birthday, have they? Uh... no. Very well. Sir Fence of the Ivory Tower! They're not security!
Why are you japed and tinted at this fair maiden's scented candles? It's just- She just has tastes that are basic?
Basic! Yeah. Ha ha! I laugh!
Would you object to the sweet smell of vanilla and bean for the sake of its commonness alone? No, but- Well, yes. I don't know, okay?
It's the pumpkin spice latte of home decoration. The most noble symbol of my heart. My house.
Drink. I'm cool. Drink or perish! Coward. Okay.
Man, that's good. Of course it's good. It's a hot pumpkin flavored milkshake you can drink in the middle of the day. It's incredible.
My red eye! Hipster swill. A frappuccino? Really?
That's good. It's really good.
Basic things always are. That's not true.
What about being a sexy cat every year for Halloween? A cheap, easy costume that honors the spirit of the holidays and lets you flirt with cute boys?
But she's always telling stories about her semester abroad. A college story and a travel story for the price of one?
Count me in. Her favorite artist is Taylor Swift.
Red bangs from beginning to end and only a fool would claim otherwise. She said that she would rather own every Marvel movie than the Criterion Collection! Ah! Eighteen beautiful movies interconnected into a single tapestry, a surging saga exploring the nature of power and responsibility. They're all the same though. As are sunsets and rainbows, you viper. What if this young woman has a poster of Audrey Hepburn across from a poster of the Eiffel Tower caddy cornered to a mural that says live, laugh, love, framed in Christmas lights?
What? How did you know that? Because of course you do.
And live, laugh, love is great advice for anybody.
Look, we don't hate basic people, it's just that their taste is defined by what everyone else is into. So you would never do what a basic person does? No! Oh, so your taste is also defined by what everybody else does? We're frauds!
Okay. Pizza is my favorite food. Yes. And? I prefer milk chocolate to dark chocolate. Of course you do. It has more sugar in it.
I fantasize about singing Disney songs at karaoke. That would be fun! Everyone would know all the words and sing along!
My favorite physician is Missioners. Mike's Cowgirl! Oh, of course they are! Who's trying to do a bunch of work in the bedroom?
Not me! It's not me! Not me!
Oh, wow! Live your lives. Yeah! Scoop your bagels. Yeah! Find your favorite quote in the loopiest font you can. And make that your cover photo. Yes! Should you ever need me, you need but message me... At my dog's Instagram account. Oh, wow, that's funny! Thank you! What is it? I'll follow you!
At Sir Barksalot. Oh my god, is that his name? We call him Barksie around the house.
He's verified! Wow! I love that! That's crazy, Katie's not even verified. |
Reductressnews | Brave_Author_Writes_Entire_Novel_As_Nail_Art_and_You_Won_t_Believe_the_Results | I'm Maya Michaels and I won the Featherton Award for short form literature. My upcoming novel is written entirely on my fingernails. Before Featherton I was just a former hand model with a dream. Mmm, Colombian coffee. Growing up I bit my nails voraciously and sometimes I still do it. I lost the entire character of Baby Reese that way. He's back. The hardest part about being a writer is that I can barely use my hands anymore. I haven't washed a dish since 2009. I've gone through about 25 bottles of nail polish remover.
Archery? No way. Bowling? Forget about it. And I love bowling.
My favorite chapter? Chapter three. It's where Raphael discovers himself all raking leaves. This nail is where Aunt Eleanor sees a marching band for the first time. This nail, their camp is invaded by a very large bear in this chapter. The bear ends up dying of pneumonia. This chapter is where Rigby's grandparents get a divorce, which was controversial at the time.
I found another typo. Crap. My novel is very autobiographical and I wanted it to be a part of me. And temporary, like me. |
dropout | help_us_fire_zac_oyama_live | Hi, everybody. Sam from College Humor here. If you haven't seen me before, I'm more or less the boss.
And, gosh, I have the sad duty today of having to fire Zack Oyama. He's been a College Humor cast member with us for a while, but I got to get rid of him. Really, it comes down to being about money. I just don't want to pay him anymore. I want that money instead. But that's not a good enough reason. So I'm hoping you, the College Humor commenters, can give me reasons to fire him that I can use so that by the time he comes in here, he'll be here any minute, that I'll have good reasons to fire him.
So, I texted Zack about five minutes ago to come into my office, and he should be here any moment. So, get ready to help me out. Hey, Zack! Hey, Zack. Come on in, buddy.
Hey, how are you?
Good.
Thanks for coming in. Oh, no problem.
And happy holidays. Happy holidays to you.
Yeah.
You got any plans? I'm staying here. Families are coming into town, so that's a lot easier.
Good. Yeah.
So, listen, Zack, there's no real easy way to say this. And I'm sorry to do it leading up to the holidays, but I got to let you go. Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry, Zack. I just, you know, I don't have a choice in things shaping up the way they are.
I have to let you go, so you'll be terminated at the end of the year, and next year you'll be without a job. Here. You'll be without a job here. You can get a job elsewhere.
I thought it was fine. I don't think I was... Why?
Well, it's because you used all the shampoo. I didn't know there was a set amount of shampoo you could use. Yeah. Well, you know at the company there's a quota of shampoo, and if you use too much of the shampoo, you're in trouble. You're basically hogging the shampoo, and I feel that a number of complaints that when it comes to shampoo, you're a shampoo hog.
But for me, my hair is very important to me, okay? What do you want me to say? I'm not going to take care of it? And that I'm not going to wash my hair? No one should come to me with these sort of things. From being honest, Zack, it's a variety of reasons, all right? It's...
Look, I have it on good authority, and I've heard from the CIA and the FBI. They've been calling me personally. I have friends in those places. They knew, as very much like in the plot of a Nicholas H. movie, our planning to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I can't have that here. But why does it have anything to do with my job? Just because I want to possess the Declaration of Independence, do you want to take it back and see if there's maybe a map on the back? Why does that have to do with our job? See, we've had this conversation before.
There's no map on the back of the Declaration of Independence. Well, you don't know that. There's also a secret society called the Templars, and they're trying to take the map first.
And if I steal it first, then maybe they won't, you know, jeopardize the beautiful history of America. Oh, so you actually think this is a patriotic act. Yes. You think that you're helping the country by stealing the Declaration of Independence. You know, if I do that, maybe I can, you know, keep it and have it in my room.
You've got to stop playing Nicholas Cage. The country doesn't need another Nicholas Cage. It has Nicholas Cage.
Come on, man. Who knows? That guy, he's needing to pass the torch, and I think I could be the next Nicholas Cage. But being like Zach, I mean, it's not just the Declaration of Independence. It's not just the shampoo. Okay, so... You're too...
I'm just being candid here. I'm just being candid.
You're too funny for this place. This is a serious place of work. You know I'm not funny at all. You are goddamn funny, Zach. And it's time that you came to terms with that. Okay, here's a joke. Not not.
Who's there? Doug. Doug who?
I don't know. That's the best I could do right now.
I am not funny. You're just playing on funny because I've called you out. I think you're supposed to be funny here, right? Like, you're supposed to be funny? I don't feel funny.
Maybe when the cameras are rolling, but when the cameras aren't rolling... You tuck in your shirt, you put on a frown, and you sit at your desk, you put pencil to line paper. You get serious, man. You are incapable. You don't have an unfunny bone in your body. You know, it seems like that should be a compliment, but I don't really know how to take it, I guess. You know, Zach, here's another thing.
There's so many reasons. There are so many reasons, and they're all justified.
The other day, we were all at that big company meeting, and I asked if anyone had any questions. And you raised your hand, and you asked who the real Slim Shady was.
As if it was you. I just want to know. Oh. As if it was you, Zach.
And you're not the real Slim Shady. Look. No, sit down. The real Slim Shady would stand up, and you should sit down, Zach. Well, I think I'm the real Slim Shady, okay? What's wrong with that? What possible evidence do you have to hear the real Slim Shady? There's so many of them, and there's only one real one. How do we know that Eminem is the real Slim Shady?
He came up with the term. So, if I came up with the term for, like, Godzilla, it doesn't mean I'm Godzilla, right? You can just come up with terms.
Yeah. What?
How do you know I'm not the real Slim Shady? Forget it, Zach. I didn't know you had so many problems with me. I'm sorry to give you all this feedback now, but it's been pent up, frankly.
And the other day, the past ten times I've wandered past your desk, all you're doing is wasting your life on Zillow. It's an easy thing to do, okay? You click on that website once just to see how much the house next to yours costs or your own place that you're renting, and then suddenly you see this overhead view of all these homes, and you're like, people live here, and people can afford it? How is that possible?
I can't afford anything.
You don't need to expound on the benefits of Zillow to me. I know why Zillow is fun, but Zillow is something that we do before 10 a.m. or after 6 p.m. or on Saturdays and Sundays. I'm a Sunday Zillow guy. Zillow is not a Monday through Friday 10 to 6 behavior.
Okay, sure. Sure, maybe I should stop wasting my time there and just... Well, I'm glad to see you finally. Yeah, okay. Let me just give you some feedback in ways I can improve. I don't have to be fired for all these reasons. You can just give me the note and I can go on, right? Fine, then. Here's another one, Zach.
You picked too many quarters off the floor. Why are there all these quarters on the ground, you know? It's gotten to the point where you're bringing a metal detector around, looking for quarters on every floor of this building, and that's not a productive use of company time. Hey, how are you going to get rich looking for quarters? It adds up. It's a long-term gain, quarters on the ground.
Quarter, one quarter, two quarter, three quarter, four quarters, that's a dollar. Sure. But how are you going to get to $2, Zach? One quarter, two quarter, three quarter, four quarters is a dollar. Five quarters, six quarters, seven quarters, eight quarters is $2. By then, eight quarters, that's $2.
I guess I didn't think about that. But is that a long-term financial strategy?
Look, I also have this job. I mean, like, it doesn't mean that I can't do this job if I'm also looking for quarters on the ground, okay? What? Who's leaving all these quarters everywhere, right? Here's another one, Zach, and I'm going to be honest with you. It bothers the fuck shit out of me.
Why on earth would you type out 2K16 instead of 2016? Why 2K16?
It saves time. It fundamentally does not save time. Okay, so I can't waste time by writing, by picking up quarters, and I can't save time by writing a K? No, no, no, Zach, follow my logic. When you write 2K16, you're replacing the zero with a K. Okay, okay. That does not save any time. That is merely replacing one character for another. Okay, if we weren't in the teens, it would save time. If I said 2K4, that's like 2004, right?
I didn't learn the lesson after 2009. Okay, that's the problem. You're not upgrading your habits as time goes on. That's indicative of a larger problem, and it has to do with self-awareness and self-improvement.
Your K should be zeros. Zach, your K should be zeros.
Okay, now I'll do that. Now I'll do that. Now I'll...
Oh, zero. Oh, zero? Yeah. Oh, okay. Wow. Okay. Oh, zero then. Oh, zero.
I mean, this was an April Fool's prank, and I guess I can't call you for an April Fool's prank, but you colored all the toilet paper black so that you can't check to see if you pooped. That's an inconsiderate, inconsiderate thing. I guess I see what you mean, but I'm too funny. This is a serious office where serious people do serious bathrooms, and you made it hard to know when you're done, when you're really done. You made it hard to know when you take that last wipe where it's, you know, like you're almost done and it's good enough. You made it hard to know that. Just get a piece of paper or something, I don't know. I think that's a groundbreaking prank. And listen, I mean, here's another thing, and it makes me feel like I don't know you very well.
You won't bring in your pet parent. I'm not gonna bring Carol in here.
But you talk about her all the time. She has her own Instagram account. Yeah. And I've never met her before, and I feel like... I'm insecure about how much Carol likes me, okay? And I'm scared if I bring my pet parent Carol in here, people will flock to her, and she will love them more than she loves me, okay? Is that what you want to hear? See, it's that flock pun, flock to her, that makes me think you're too funny for this office. I'm very funny right now, okay? I don't feel very funny. Look, I'll bring Carol in, and I'll just try to be okay with the fact that maybe I'm not number one in Carol's life, okay? That's right. She's got to spread her wings and meet new people.
You just did the same thing I just did. Well, I'm the boss. I get to do whatever I want. Okay. I have at least one, if not three more things for you, Zach. I think three more things. I ought to do it. Okay, fine. Look.
But you don't have a beard. And from where I'm sitting, a proper comedy person has at least some stubble to show that they don't care very much about their physical appearance. And generally, the outward impression that they make upon the world is not all that important. Okay, you know what? You seem like a very clean shaven, and therefore, it's okay. That's discrimination, because I can't really grow a beard, okay? Not everyone in the world can grow beards, all right? As a comedy person, it's your duty to grow a bad beard. You don't have a good beard or a bad one.
When I grow out my facial hair, it looks like I'm a 14-year-old teenager who's trying way too hard to have a beard. I want to see that 14-year-old that's trying way too hard to have a beard.
Okay. Look, it's just...
This is a barrage of notes on what I should have done. And it's hard to hear them all at once, and I feel like you could have given me like a bit of a break, or just told me one or two of them earlier. Well, you know, the truth is, yes, I should have given you this feedback spread out over a longer length of time.
But as you're in the room with me, I'm remembering all this stuff. It's coming back to me like a bad dream. And even now, looking at your two hands together, clasped together like that, I'm reminded about how you slap your hands together too much. What the fuck are you talking about? That is exactly what I'm talking about.
Oh, good job, Sam! I feel good notes! You look like you're digging yourself in a deeper... Oh!
Looks like I'm firing anyway. I might as well have fun. Might as well do the thing I like to do.
This is outrageous. What? This is outrageous. I can't even hear you. My hands are hitting together too fast and too hard.
I can't believe it.
Give me one more reason why I should be fired, and I'll go. I'll go, reason.
Now you've gotten a first-hand impression of what it's like to be the boss. That's crazy, isn't it? Okay? Zach, follow my logic.
When you write 2K16, you're replacing the zero with a K. Okay, okay! That does not save any time. That is merely replacing one character for another. Okay, if we weren't in the teens, it would save time. If I said 2K4, that's like 2004, right?
I didn't learn the lesson. I didn't learn the lesson after 2009.
That's the problem. You're not upgrading your habits as time goes on. That's indicative of a larger problem, and it has to do with self-awareness and self-improvement.
Your K should be zeros. Zach, your K should be zeros.
Okay! Okay, now I'll do that! Now I'll do that! Now I'll...
Oh, zero. Oh, zero? Yeah. Oh, okay. Wow. Okay. Oh, zero, then. Oh, zero.
I mean, this was an April Fool's prank, and I guess I can't call you an April Fool's prank, but you color all the toilet paper black so that you can't check to see if you pooped.
That's into the point where you're bringing a metal detector around, looking for quarters on every floor of this building, and that's not a productive use of company time. A, how are you going to get rich looking for quarters? It adds up. It's a long-term gain, quarters on the ground.
Quarter, one quarter, two quarter, three quarter, four quarters, that's a dollar. Sure. But how are you going to get to two dollars, Zach? One quarter, two quarter, three quarter, four quarters is a dollar. Five quarters, six quarters, seven quarters, eight quarters is two dollars. By then, eight quarters, that's two dollars!
I guess I didn't think about that. But is that a long-term financial strategy?
Look, I also have this job. It doesn't mean that I can't do this job if I'm also looking for quarters on the ground, okay? Who's leaving all these quarters everywhere, right? Here's another one, Zach, and I'm going to be honest, it bothers the fuck shit out of me.
Why on earth would you type out 2K16 instead of 2016? Why 2K16?
It saves time. It fundamentally does not save time. Okay, so I can't waste time by writing, by picking up quarters and I can't save time by writing okay? No, no, no, Zach, follow my logic. When you write 2K16, you're replacing the zero with a K. Okay, okay. That does not save any time. That is merely replacing one character for another. Okay, if it was, if we weren't in the teens, it would save time. If I said 2K4, that's like 2004, right?
I didn't learn the lesson. I didn't learn the lesson after 2009.
Okay, that's the problem. You're not upgrading your habits as time goes on. That's indicative of a larger problem, and it has to do with self-awareness and self-improvement.
Your K should be zeroes. Zach, your K should be zeroes.
Okay, okay, now I'll do that. Now I'll do that.
Okay. Oh, zero. Oh, zero? Yeah. Oh, okay. Wow. Okay. Oh, zero then. Oh, zero.
I mean, this was an April Fool's prank, and I guess I can't call you an April Fool's prank, but you color all the toilet paper black so that you can't check to see if you pooped. That's a serious office where serious people do serious bathrooms, and you made it hard to know when you're done, when you're really done. You made it hard to know when you take that last wipe where it's, you know, like you're almost done and it's good enough.
You made it hard to know that. Just get a piece of paper or something. I don't know. I think that's a groundbreaking prank. And listen, I mean, here's another thing. And it makes me feel like I don't know you very well.
You won't bring in your pet parent. I'm not going to bring Carol in here.
But you talk about her all the time. She has her own Instagram account. Yeah. And I've never been her before, and I feel like... I'm insecure about how much Carol likes me, okay? And I'm scared if I bring my pet parrot Carol in here, people will flock to her, and she will love them more than she loves me, okay? Is that what you want to hear? See, it's that flock pun, flock to her, that makes me think you're too funny for this office. I feel very funny. Look, I'll bring Carol in, and I'll just try to be okay with the fact that maybe I'm not number one in Carol's life, okay? That's right. She's got to spread her wings. And meet new people.
You just do the same thing I just did. Well, I'm the boss. I get to do whatever I want.
Okay. I have at least one if not three more things for you, Zach. I think three more things. I ought to do it. Okay, fine. Look.
But you don't have a beard. And from where I'm sitting, a proper comedy person has at least some stubble to show that they don't care very much about their physical appearance, and generally the outward impression that they make upon the world is not all that important to them. Okay, you know what? You seem like a very clean shaven, and therefore insecure. That's discrimination, because I can't really grow a beard.
It's a serious office where serious people do serious bathrooms, and you made it hard to know when you're done, when you're really done. You made it hard to know when you take that last wipe where it's, you know, like you're almost done and it's good enough. You made it hard to know that.
Just get a piece of paper or something. I don't know. Look, I think that's a groundbreaking prank. And listen, I mean, here's another thing. Anna, it makes me feel like I don't know you very well.
You won't bring in your pet parent. I'm not going to bring Carol in here.
But you talk about her all the time. She has her own Instagram account.
Yeah. And I've never met her before, and I feel like I'm insecure about how much Carol likes me, okay? And I'm scared if I bring my pet parent, Carol, in here, people will flock to her, and she will love them more than she loves me, okay? Is that what you want to hear? See, it's that flock pun, flock to her, that makes me think you're too funny for this office. I'm very funny right now, okay? I don't feel very funny. Look, I'll bring Carol in, and I'll just try to be okay with the fact that maybe I'm not number one in Carol's line, okay? That's right. She's got to spread her wings and meet new people.
You just did the same thing I just did. Well, I'm the boss. I get to do whatever I want. Okay. I have at least one, if not three more things for you, Zach. I think three more things. I ought to do it. Okay, fine. Look.
But you don't have a beard. And from where I'm sitting, a proper comedy person has at least some stubble to show that they don't care very much about their physical appearance, and generally the outward impression that they make upon the world is not all that important to them. Okay, you know what? Maybe you seem like a very clean shaven, and therefore insecure. That's discrimination, because I can't really grow a beard, okay? Not everyone in the world can grow beards, all right? As a comedy person, it's your duty to grow a bad beard. You don't have a good beard or a bad one.
When I grow out my facial hair, it looks like I'm a 14-year-old teenager who's trying way too hard to have a beard. I want to see that 14-year-old that's trying way too hard to have a beard.
Okay, look.
This is a barrage of notes on what I should have done. And it's hard to hear them all at once and not feel like it could have given me a bit of a break or just only one or two of them earlier. Well, you know, the truth is, yes, I should have given you this feedback spread out over a longer length of time.
But as you're in the room with me, I'm remembering all this stuff. It's coming back to me like a bad dream. And even now, looking at your two hands together, clasped together like that, I'm reminded about how you slap your hands together too much. What the fuck are you talking about? That is exactly what I'm talking about.
You did a good job, Sam. You did a good note. You're digging yourself in a deeper hole.
Looks like I'm firing anyway. I might as well have fun. Might as well do the thing I like to do.
This is outrageous. What? This is outrageous. I can't even hear you. My hands are hitting together too fast and too hard. I can't believe it. Give me one more reason why I should be fired.
And I'll go. I'll go.
Yeah, you say yes too much. Yes, okay, great. Good job, Sam. Yes, Texas. Yes, too much. Maybe clap together too much.
Okay, yes, great job for you. Great job. Have fun replacing me. See you later, man. Yes, good for you, man. Yes, great job, great job. Yes.
Now you've gotten a first-hand impression of what it's like to be the boss. It's not easy, is it?
You don't have a good beard or a bad one. When I grow out my facial hair, it looks like I'm a 14-year-old teenager who's trying way too hard to have a beard. I want to see that 14-year-old that's trying way too hard to have a beard.
Okay, look.
This is a barrage of notes on what I should have done. It's hard to hear them all at once and not feel like it could have given me a bit of a break or just told me one or two of them earlier. Well, you know, the truth is, yes, I should have given you this feedback spread out over a longer length of time.
But as you're in the room with me, I'm remembering all this stuff. It's coming back to me like a bad dream. And even now, looking at your two hands together, clasp together like that, I'm reminded about how you slap your hands together too much. What the fuck are you talking about? That is exactly what I'm talking about.
Oh, good job, Sam. I did feel good notes. You're digging yourself in a deeper...
Oh, looks like I'm firing anyway. I might as well have fun. Might as well do the thing I like to do.
This is outrageous. What? This is outrageous. I can't even hear you. My hands are hitting together too fast and too hard.
I can't believe it.
Give me one more reason why I should be fired and I'll go. I'll go, reason?
Yeah. I'm going to say yes too much. Yes! Okay, great. Good job, Sam. Yes, Texas. Yes, too much. Granny claps together too much. Okay, yes.
Great job for you. Great job. Have fun replacing me. See you later, man. Yes. Good for you, man. Yes, great job. Great job. Yes.
Now you've gotten a first-hand impression of what it's like to be the boss. It's not easy, is it? |
dropout | if_nba_jam_were_a_real_game_30_for_30_parody | What happened that night forever changed what we thought was possible in the sport. It was the type of thing you wouldn't see in today's game, but that era was like the Wild West. You know, it was 25 years ago, and I'm honestly just ready to put it behind me. It was Sunday, January 17th, 1993. My dad got us floor seats to see the Chicago Bulls take on the Utah Jazz, and right from the tip-off, we could tell this game was going to be different. First of all, the ball was not regulation. I mean, it was way too bouncy, maybe a little too big.
I actually became concerned, because you only had two players from either team bother to play. You had Karl Malone and John Stockton from the Utah Jazz, versus Scottie Pippen. Wait for it, y'all, Horace Grant? Like, not even Michael Jordan. Keep in mind, the whole team was there. They just never left the bench.
Then, John Stockton takes off on the free throw line with Horace on his back and dunks in Scottie's face. We didn't even know John Stockton could dunk. He's a layup guy, but here he is, practically touching the rafters.
If you look back at the tape, you can see the shock on my face. I was seriously like, you know, like, it was crazy. At this point, I was already saying to myself, this is the craziest thing I've ever seen. And that's when I noticed, their heads must have swollen.
So big-headed Scottie Pippen is tearing down the court like he's in turbo mode, and just as he pulls up for three, Stockton throws this wild elbow, sending Scottie flying across the court. The refs were atrocious. I mean, there was only one ref there to begin with, and after the jump ball, he literally disappeared. I mean, I might have missed a few calls here or there, but ultimately, it's not the refs who decide the outcome of the game. The players do that. It was a bloodbath. The Jazz were taking shots fully across court that were going in.
Then, in the third quarter, to this day, I can't explain it. It was like the whole world just paused until immediately after school the next day. The game paused for almost 24 hours. But no one in the stadium left. We were so invested in the game that we didn't move an inch for an entire day. And up until this point, it was a complete shutout. The Jazz held the Bulls scoreless for three quarters.
That type of game, you leave early to beat traffic. But not this crowd.
I mean, it was a crazy time for sports as a whole. We had just seen John Madden call the highest scoring game in NFL history. Hell, we had watched 8-foot Mike Tyson lose his dream fight to a kid way below his weight class. And when the game started up again, the crowd was as enthused as ever. It was the only time I've seen a crowd cheer just as much for their home team as they did for the rivals.
At this point, the Jazz had hit their last 80 shots. But then the craziest thing happened. Scotty Pippin caught on fire. When that game ended, that was the first and only instance I can recall where neither team took a time out and neither team ran an actual play. Every possession was either a steal or just a quick drive to the basket. The vibe afterwards was mostly disappointment, but also proud to have witnessed something special. Now that I'm thinking of it, there was hardly any black people there. |
cracked | the_entire_history_of_cracked_com_new_guy_weekly | The storied history of Cracked.com deserves its own documentary. And I've asked Cracked editor Tom Ryman to use his narration skills to bring this documentary to life. I've never narrated anything.
Oh, come on. Makes your history happen. There's like a fleet of cars driving by. Well, speak up then. Just talk about it. Did you think about this? Did you bring like a stand or... You have hands. Like a guard.
Have other people's mouths been on this thing? There's nothing keeping my mouth from getting on this thing. Can we prop it? I'm not liable if that breaks.
Do your radio voice. I don't have a radio voice. I've never been on the radio. Do your radio.
I don't know where you got any of this. It's been like 15 cars that have driven by since we've been arguing about cars driving by. I know. Traffic, am I right? Do you want to maybe just take it inside or... You're the expert on voiceover. Apparently, I literally just tried to explain this to you. We'll do that. Okay, we're going inside. There is no voiceover of any car. That's trouble.
Cracked.com wasn't always Cracked.com. It used to be http://www.cracked.com because you used to have to type all web addresses in, I'm pretty sure. Anyway, thanks to people like Daniel O'Brien and Soren Bui and that guy that sits next to Soren Bui, Cracked.com won the internet. Go look at it. It's called Cracked.com.
Finn with an accent mark. Wait, what the hell? What about the last eight years? Obama, right? What? Eight years of history as a website was a magazine for, like, for a really long time. Like, decades. Yeah. Right?
Right, I know that. I feel like you don't know. We know. We both know these things.
If you want to keep saying them, that's awesome. The guy who sits next to Soren. That guy. That's me. You know, right? That's me.
That doesn't sound right. You're just not even... None of this. Nothing I'm saying.
Thank you so much for watching. This was a great history and experience.
Oh, he's gone.
This door opens, by the way. You just need to use your badge. You don't need to work here, do you?
I'm telling Jack. My name is Dylan. You can tell him you saw Dylan. Dylan Roberto. Thanks for watching the new, new guy video. But I wanted to talk... I've been reading some of the comments on these videos. And I love Alex.
But a lot of the comments seem to be really down on him. You don't seem to like him. And they're really mean.
And, you know, yeah. He's not that... You know? It's kind of like... Oh, yeah, funny. It's a nice video. But it's kind of nothing we can do, so... Subscribe. |
CrackerMilk | nichameleon_gets_kicked_off_the_podcast | Ah! Don't shoot! Ah! We're joined by Nick Amelie once again this week and Tom and Elias and Connor myself and this is an improv comedy podcast where we take your YouTube comments and turn them into funny little improv bits sort of similar to the Aunty Donna podcast but not as um nuanced and and and less less training amongst us all. Let's talk to our AI system who this week sounds like um whoa he she sounds different again well last week we had a really terrible fucking update we cleared it turned out it was like this virus gave the AI extra chromosome it's a whole thing but um anyway all right AI what's the first suggestion improv suggestion parent is dropping their kid off at an orphanage and they see their previous kid that they dropped off at the same orphanage okay thanks mate cheers nick i need you to come with me well um so do you remember when i told remember when i told um you that if you touched daddy's playstation 5 um he would refuse to acknowledge you your existence remember that no oh you don't yeah well remember when i came home my playstation 5 was on the ground and you had covered it and your own piss and shit remember that no oh yeah because daddy spends more attention on playstation than well um well yeah and so do you so that's why we're here at sunny oaks orphanage okay darling now if you just come on in and we'll just hey hey dad we're both your kid another one fuck hey guys how's it going yeah it's all right oh how old are you now tom after i'm 55 interesting okay and how old are you now buddy uh three three okay excellent yeah just say how's it going it's good at orphanage good it's good shit my pants this morning cool it's uh pretty warm still in you still sitting in it yep haven't haven't been changed yet you know orphanage budget cuts inflation yeah yeah yeah i've been here so long i was able to avoid the vietnam draft so thanks for that i guess meet nick your sister hi um sick of her oh yeah so nick huh how old's nick not sure anyway she's here um just just here to chuck her in um hey guess what i would be a bad parent if i raised a child in this climate so that's what you said to me 50 years ago it was a tough time the vietnam war was coming up i had to i i i i can you pop but why don't you use a thing called a condom then use a thing called a i don't a condom well i'm not i'm not apparently it stops you from making little shits i'm 95 years old i am at the edge of my life i am ferociously horny horrendously fertile okay and i'm at my end i'm chucking you guys in here okay and then i'm just pumping away pump pump pump don't care what it is it doesn't have to be human it could be an object no no no not like animal hentai shit i'm pumping a lot of shows with with dad pump and dump what shows were they shut the fuck do the nuns beat him do they beat him senselessly oh i also beat him good i'm three years old yeah this kind of come over here man like watching things with furry animals in them and then i love nature documentaries yeah i love them a little bit too much you gotta be excited yeah i do buy the 4k and blu-ray combination which is quite redundant if you've got 4k why would you need blu-ray it's like my blu-ray dad have you been listening to me listen to me listen to me i've been watching reruns of mike tyson's best boxing hits and i have harnessed his energy and i'll bite your fucking ear off have you been watching furry porn dad so i just want to connect with you just a little like while you're here just a quick connection and i'll tell you a nice story um here at the orphanage one day yeah i'm happy to open up yeah it's very hard yeah for me yeah grew up i'm 95 grew up in different times yeah fought in world war one yeah and world war ii no dodged that one oh yeah but i'm just like you dad and by fought world war one i just rocked up to calipoli saw what was going on and went oh fuck this when i go why did they all do that just turn around go home did you pump and dump i have been pumping and dumping i don't care what it is i was pumping i was pumping and dumping but they're just shitty pumping and dumping the trenches of calipoli didn't matter if they're australian or turkish okay and let me tell you all those conscripts 100 men nick i can't stand you you're here now someone will find you hey dad what if you ever hile around me again i will lose it you run away from me to do that i want to listen to brother tom's story and i want to pump and dump but sometimes things take time i was sitting around playing with some blocks this is just last week and um i see this little red rc car red corvette just come through oh fuck it's boring sorry i'll get through it sorry don just because he's on a playstation doesn't mean that you can't play with him sorry dad yeah fucking hell dad i'm three so anyway anyway this red corvette rc car rolls in in the playroom i'm playing in and this fucking mouse steps out so i fucking bashed him no you fuck stewart little's my favorite movie yeah of course it would be wouldn't it dad yeah you take a lot of take a lot of uh inspiration for that movie don't you yeah one of my favorite parts of the movie is the is the chopping and changing of the mouse's family i thought that was really beneficial for the mouse's upbringing take it from the orphanage chuck it back to another family especially species yeah yeah yeah remember when he fucks the bird in the second one shut up you're fucking annoying dad you are into fairy porn aren't you i'm not into fairy porn i'm into stewart little and now he's dead yeah what about yeah i was gonna say i saw you curb stomp him on the side his little rat face yeah american history x stewart little american um stewart big is just a rat by the way that's just a rat oh i think man like let's do it big dick get in the fucking orphanage okay okay ai what's the next suggestion improv suggestion he refuses to phone home cool let's do it what is the reason it's hard for me to sleep welcome to fm radio kfm kfm we have with us extraterrestrial or et for short and we have what is your lovely name dear lovely name you came with et did you not i did yes yes toby toby oh yeah you look like a little boy from the movie what's his name toby hey how's it going my name's et yeah very good very good for roughly 26 years i believe oh yeah here on earth yeah here on earth so basically fucking hell i wanted to come into the radio station today to kind of help me he won't leave raising awareness yeah yeah i'm starving i need help why are you starving i fed you today yeah you fed me bullshit i need something with sustenance i'm from another planet this fucking atmosphere makes me tired i told you if you would like to go back to where you want good food and good atmosphere fuck off well back to where he came from yes that's what we're all about here okay okay send cunts back to where they came from back to where they came from you're not well i'm not wanted and you want no no no it's not that you're not one no no let me phone home it's that you've overstayed your welfare just like a little all right let me find him let's let's set this up here with his finger i've seen the movie he does it lights up and shit are we getting this live on it hello it gets all the time hello large big mac meal vanilla coke kfm studios yeah he's fucking pranking now we're going to get orders now we're getting it you're paying for that by the way toby fuckhead i want to go to the mall but it takes too long on my bike can we fly oh i want to go to a girl's house wake up it's 3 a.m et get up i want to go pump i want to go pump and dump get up and fly around you know i do i get in the fucking get in the basket toby and i fly around counseling sessions numerous counseling this is what we wanted to bring up here on kfm radio is you can't help me how how extraterrestrials feel alien that's my word can't say that can't say that sorry call me gray alien or you fuck off i'm showing you my alien do you want him do you want to take him no i'm not a pet i'm bound to you out of love and friendship now fucking go downstairs and pick up my maca's order for god's sake i'm craving that vanilla coke you know what i can do read minds do you know that i can read minds yeah and i'm reading your mind right now yeah man what's in it and you're thinking i'm a hot piece of ass you're goddamn right yeah that's it you know how i can make the bike fly i can give erections look oh my god yeah don't come what the fuck look i just want to say there have been no problems with extraterrestrials rocking up we've done nothing wrong here except for that one time i convinced everyone that some middle eastern men took the plane but really i use my magic flying powers because i really want to get to new york where you commit are you are you admitting live on air on kfm commercial radio that you et extraterrestrial or as we are meant to call you gray alien were the one who committed the 9 11 terrorist attacks all i thought to myself was when does maca's shot in new york city like the fucking energy at that mcdonald's that day was they were stressed they tried to close they tried to not serve me and i said i'm here i'm here ash coming in people screaming in from the streets doesn't always get to this point yeah yeah yeah like and and um um what the fuck are you doing to me so et it sounds like oh man i am dry it sounds like et that you've made your own home here so maybe that's why you don't want to find home no i think it was because he was lame in high school and doesn't want to go back and see his friends yeah i peaked in high school okay la di da all right earth is the only place people think i'm cool because i can do that okay but the reality is i'm i'm not having an experience and i just want you guys hanging out with me well i just wanted to say that you always have a spot in my house of course he fucking does wow he's making you do two second comes yeah you wouldn't you want it two second comes i would actually sorry don't shoot don't shoot don't shoot oh oh if you existed in america more cops would kill you ai what's the next suggestion improv suggestion the first pirate to start digging up the treasure is trying to hide from the rest of the crew that the chest was empty cool ai thanks for that thanks ai wow all right guys look i am so glad that you have trusted me to take you on this voyage yar it took us three months at sea we lost 12 men i'm sorry that we lost your um brother sorry what but your brother did also die drowned remember brand their crack and sort of just it sort of just took one tentacle and sort of looked and sort of picked your brother specifically not sure what he kind of seemed into it though so he kind of looked at it as well oh here we go okay pirates actually a profession it's not um a region and what you're doing is fucking piggish no but i my profession is a paella now you're scottish this is why i get upset at you doing accents is because you never commit to one it always moles he's trying to commit to one he just goes around like this can we get back to me my yeah your dogs are dead none and i they've just run up i lost them but me brother getting taken by the kraken in some sort of hentai way yeah yeah i don't know why you want to go back to that yes super kinky it is kind of wanted to unpack it you sound far away are you like into that kind of thing or no uh we're into treasure um and the thing is we sent off um our crewmate here elias who's suffering suffering terribly from that parasite that makes him sound like a dumb cunt please don't say parasite oh it reminds you of the hentai tentacles i'm not going to kink shame here but i think what that is is fucking disgusting that's against pirate code man yeah kink shame that's against pirate code um elias crewmate you went and got the treasure er i did how is it how it's taken us months to get here you told me you gave me the map i said i'll trust in you my crewmate wait so did you get the treasure or i did yeah i er it was um well i don't hear that accent there it goes i dug it up yeah that's what we asked you to do we're asking you where's the treasure well the thing about that is it's um a boot a boot that a canadian hey i've dug it up i um and it's just over the rock over there the what it's hard because sometimes like i've never heard you roll an r until you said rock really okay so where was the treasure mrs doubtfire yeah where was the treasure mrs doubtfire oh no no no no no anyway so anyway so if you just hop over that rock over there um i've i've dug it up um ready for you guys to have some uh inspections okay i'll just i'll just go over that rock and i was uh oh it's a big rock yeah oh next to a cliff are you trying to get us off a cliff no it's right next to the cliff just i just want to intervene did you fall off the rock no no i was just uh admiring the rock so if you all go over that and um have a look at the the treasure right okay well we're here there's nothing it's empty and elias is he's run away well he's actually right next to me oh you saw i said there's on the island treadmill yeah what are you doing on the island why are you still next to us what are you look you've got to come clean to you guys yeah the problem is yeah that um there is no treasure who did we get this map from yeah well the thing is you we just found that out it looked like you tried to run away but you just you didn't yeah i um yeah i underestimated the size of the island that we're on yeah it is about well it's new zealand not sure what the plan was here you gave me this map i her brother died trying to come here i it was all planned you you planned that i had words with the kraken can i ask you something elias hi i know we're pirates but are you going to take our boat and jump the metaphorical shark with what you're about to say or or are we gonna stay on track here because it sounds like you're friends with a kraken now he confessed to me his undying love for hentai and i was like well you know i know a guy i know a guy if we see around and i can i can drop you off right um who's the guy the kraken the kraken how'd you meet the kraken oh on um i would on a dating grinder um so i wanted to ask what the fuck why did you take us to a place where the fucking there's no the treasure's empty dude didn't we bond along this journey haven't we all bonded i'm still mourning the death of the 12 people including my brother tom has contracted scurvy yeah seven times all in the mouth cured from scurvy seven times and every time new scurvy worse new scurvy worse now it's you it's you it's you doing it we know it's you doing it hey it is so what what do you mean you're poisoning the water hole dude look it's just part of the journey you know haven't haven't we gotten closer to you tom so everyone here on the boat sexual deviants yeah uh that's what we were all right i i look i'm just like you're one hentai but you're suddenly a sexual deviant that's the name of the ship yeah the poster was like everyone sexual deviants big orgy the sexual deviant i thought it was sexual you can't say that two laws you've actually broken same pirate code one of them leading your pirate friends to treasure where there is none three because you did give him scurvy intentionally i gave him something at least and this is actually the most offensive from at all which is faking a scottish accent yeah that is the most offensive most illegal thing you can do as a pirate that is the highest like echelon of pirate code we might be a lot of things we might rape and pillage and rape and pillage and pillage and kill and rape and pillage and pillage but we are honest with each other about who we are tom tom came on board after his greyhound breeding failed yeah okay yeah you came on board sorry it was a deviant ship that is good that came on board okay after she got on that registry which is why the ship is called sexual deviant because that's what i legally have to label it with nick on board okay you came on board was he invited i struck a deal with the united nations to keep him on you can see it's kind of like a like when you commit war crimes there's a lot of consideration that goes in did he commit those crimes under orders yes were those orders given to him from himself yes he writes himself letters okay well and then permits himself to do war crimes just so you know but you told me to do all that you're my captain i just follow orders i'm talking about before we met oh right yeah yeah yeah yeah well you said that i was um just faking a Scottish accent pirate no you said Scottish accent now you're breaking another one i'm giving you my proper no we know that's not your proper accent no no that's not it that's not it well then what is that tell me what is my accent i got this bowl of spaghetti here how's that make you feel it's me i'm from we found him out let's walk it make him walk the plank yep okay that's what i've been saying and also by plank i mean push him off this hotel high rise onto a pile of rocks cracking friend we're set thanks for listening thank you for listening to the cracking podcast you can see the uncut version with all of the terrible jokes included in that one on the patreon so go check that out thank you for having me again as a as a guest if you want to leave a youtube comment and have your suggestion acted out by us do that because we read every single goddamn comment and remember you can find the entire thing on spotify audio and video as well please go over there and rate us five stars bye bye cutting i'm gonna shoot you with my improv dog oh no bang bang bang bang bang to kill to kill i love nature documentaries yeah i love them a little bit too much you gotta be excited yeah i do buy the 4k and blu-ray combination which is quite redundant if you've got 4k why would you need blu-ray it's like my blu-ray dad have you been listening to me listen to me listen to me i've been watching reruns of mike tyson's best boxing hits and i have harnessed his energy and i'll buy |
Wizards_with_Guns | everyone_s_f_ked_up_uncle_on_thanksgiving | The turkey looks raw, Dad. I'm gonna spank you, son. What? Why did we invite Uncle Gary? He's so gross. Jacob! And the food it brings is so weird. You better be nice to your Uncle Gary. You know he has that condition, so I better see nothing but smiles, young man. Uncle Gary! Who's hungry?
I just want to say thank you so much for having me. I was so excited, I spent the whole month of April cooking all this. It's November. I brought my eerie, gooey, cranberry, spewy. My humpy, dumpy poplings. My scrumptious corn on my front.
Oh, and I brought squash. Squash? Just regular squash? That's it? Yeah, it's just some regular old squash. Okay then, I'll have the squash. Wait, I haven't squashed it yet.
You know what? Let's start with the turkey instead. You could carve it. Actually, Ron, I already did.
Oh, very nice. Thanks, it's bossa.
Would you mind passing me some of my soup? Don't be rude, son. Serve the man his soup. Oh, sorry, Uncle Gary. How much do you want? Just a slice.
Oh my god! He's choking! Jacob, do something! Water! Have water! Gravy? Don't you sit there, Jacob! Damn it, son! I'm doing it myself!
Are you okay? Oh, you're not done. Oh, you passed me a bubbling?
Who wants some of my extra special pie? I made it with my secret ingredient. What's the ingredient? My secret?
You're sterile. Don't tell anyone.
Thanks, Gary, but I think we're all pretty full. Oh yeah, I'm so stuffed I could take a nap right here. Very funny. I think it's time we cleared the table.
So, son, what about your spanking? Uncle Gary sucks. Jacob, it's true! His food is impossible. He smells overwhelmingly of Vaseline. Jacob! And I'm pretty sure his condition is made up.
I mean, what are these side effects? Hairache? Tooth burn?
Clearly, Uncle Gary is going through a hard time right now. He's spent a long time making all this food because he loves us. So why don't you wake him up, show some respect, and say thank you? Fine.
Uncle Gary?
Never seen him before. His heart just slipped right out.
Just goes to show, son. One minute you're here, the next you're warm food. I'm still gonna spank you later. Thank you for coming, boys.
Can I offer you something to eat? Maybe some soup? Sure, I'll take a slice.
Huh? Hold on. Are you sure you should be touching food after handling a body? Oh no, he's sterile. I told you not to tell! I kept touching my mouth, dude. I can't handle it. Who wants some of my extra special pie? Grapes just corn on the throb. I didn't even mean to do that. |
dropout | trooper_of_the_week_full_episode | Let's see what else we have here. Oh, this is fun. We're starting a Trooper of the Week program. Eh? Little contest? Now, I know what you're thinking. Why reward good troopers when we can just kill bad troopers? Chase knows, because... That was a rhetorical question. So, starting now, the best trooper of the week will get the honor of guarding the Legion's most challenged object. The orb. It kind of sounds like you're just rewarding work with more work. Of course not. Who wouldn't want to guard the orb? Well, actually... That was also rhetorical! And with that, the race for Trooper of the Week is really heating up. Isn't this fun? Is... is that a rhetorical question?
Yes. Yes, it is. Which means you interrupted me! Finally, we're moving forward with our plan to build the fast robot army to conquer our remaining enemies and bring an end to senseless trooper deaths. No way! Yes way! Exciting stuff. A bot army? And can you imagine guarding the orb? Yes.
It would be just like guarding anything else on this stupid ship. This ship is not stupid!
Warning. There is a clog in the melt tube. Repeat. Food chunks are clogging up the tubes that spew milk into the drinking troughs.
And it's the orb! Don't you even know what the orb is?
Of course I do. Everyone does.
Oh, yeah. You'd have to be an idiot not to know that. What kind of question is that? Okay, okay. You're right. I won't explain any more details about the orb. Good.
I mean, why would you explain something we already know? I wouldn't. There'd be no reason to.
Our names are Mara, Wimbledon, and Vin. Okay! You're talking so weird. This is where we work. We get it. We are troopers. Could you just think about it, at least? I mean, come on. If we're guarding the orb, we could really do something for the Interstellar Legion.
It's busy work. Everything we do on this ship is busy work.
You know what I'm doing right now? Three things. Lights. Fan. Airlock. That's it. Okay?
It's like a colony of space ants. A single space ant is insignificant, but together, they were able to build a voting bloc that removed the queen from power, instituting the first space ant democracy.
But we're not space bugs, okay? We don't have that kind of individuality. Sure we do!
Just look at the trooper manual! I'll throw that shit away! I have told you multiple times before, I am not a trash can. Okay, trashy, we know.
You're a trash bot. Same thing. Trash bots don't exist. Why would anybody make a robotic trash can? I am a tactical computation bot that you have decided to fill with trash, presumably because I look vaguely like one of your human trash cans.
Oh my God! Trashy, can you shut the fuck up for one second? You're sitting here having a TED talk about trash while Mara's having an existential crisis.
It's not a crisis. It's a reality.
I have worked as a trooper for longer than both of you, and no one outside of this room even knows my name. Every time Dreadlord sees me, he says, Hey, buddy. You're focusing too much on yourself.
Let me show you something. This... is my father's. I didn't know much about him, but... I know that he gave his life fighting for the cause. For something bigger than him. Whenever I wonder about what I'm doing here, I look at this. His name was Rich.
Or Larry. You don't know which. Well, it was one of them. They were always together, and honestly I'm still confused about which one was which. But one of them was definitely my father. This is exactly what I'm talking about. You have no idea which one of these identical men was your father? Okay, all right. Maybe that was a bad example.
Wimbledon, you like being a trooper, right? Hell yeah. Everybody in my family is a trooper. Okay, so what do you think is the best part? Come on. I'll show you.
Look at all the stars and planets in the galaxy laid before you. Nearly all of them are united under the Interstellar Legion. And if you're a trooper, you can go to any of these thousands of worlds. Or you can go to one of these thousands of worlds.
And once the bot army is complete, you might even get to go there without being shot at. Wow, great. They should put that on the postcard. Mara, I may not be a trooper, but I know how you feel.
There's one place that always cheers me up. It is quiet here in server room, but you can... Wow, this place sucks. Well, hops are first class, but if you... This place cheers you up? You can come here to cry. It's lovely and I love it. Why are we listening to a trash can?
I thought this was your idea. No, fuck no. Well, then let's get the hell out of here. You guys go on without me. I think I might just stay here a while.
Weird. Did she invite you guys to her birthday? No. What? Is it just going to mean her?
Okay, I don't want to have to say this again, but please leave the toilet seat up when you're done with it for me. Another good thing about being a trooper is that you can hide space in your helmet. You like being a trooper. That's great. I'm just sick of being indistinguishable from everyone else. With that said, I think it's safe to announce our very first trooper of the week is...
What? Really?
See, the Legion notices all your hard work. They care about you.
Wow, maybe. There you go, little sash. Down here. Yeah, I do. Here you go. This is your sash. And, of course, you get to guard the orb. Can my friends come too?
I truly don't care. What about my trashbot? I'm not a trashbot.
Here it is. Through this door lies the orb. Yep. Now, congratulations and enjoy your guarding. Actually, I was thinking maybe we would get to see it? You're joking, right?
You want to see the orb? The orb. Do you have any idea how powerful the orb is? When I think the orb, I think powerful right behind that door. Imagine unimaginable power. That's the orb.
Oh. So, you see, I can't just open the door for a bunch of nobodies. Perhaps a better way to look at this reward is as busy work. Do your job. Bye-bye. Well, that sucks. Anyway.
You know, for a second, I finally thought someone had noticed me. Hey, we didn't notice you. You brought us with you when you didn't have to.
Yeah, to a bullshit assignment. Are you kidding?
We're so close to the orb. That's incredible. And you know me, I'm just happy to hang wherever. I bet if you get right up to the door, you can hear the orb. You know, I guess if I have to be stuck somewhere, I'm just glad it's with the two of you. I think you mean you three, as I am mentally and emotionally indistinguishable from biological sentient life.
Shut the fuck up, trashy. That is not funny. It's just mean. I'll say.
And if we stick together, there is nothing. We can't help it.
Oh! Oh, my God! Wimbledon is fucking dead! This is insane.
I thought he was like a main guy. What do you mean? What even is a main guy? Like a more important person. You know, I brought the door broke.
Wayfinder! Hit the Wayfinder! Fuck the orb room! Run! Go, go, go!
Wait up. Wait.
Oh, I see what you're doing. Good idea. We should spread out. It'll make us much, much harder to catch. Good technique.
Oh, dear. And finally, this is the end of your free taste of troopers. If you want to see the rest of the series, go to dropout.tv. The force of raw evil, the mistress of management, the iron consultant, Valkylion Prime! Ducks. Anyway.
You know, for a second, I finally thought someone had noticed me. Hey, we didn't notice you. You brought us with you when you didn't have to.
Yeah, to a bullshit assignment. Are you kidding?
We're so close to the orb. That's incredible. And you know me, I'm just happy to hang wherever. I bet. If you get right up to the door, you can hear the orb. You know, I guess, if I have to be stuck somewhere, I'm just glad it's with the two of you. I think you mean you three, as I am mentally and emotionally indistinguishable from biological sentient life.
Shut the fuck up, trashy. That is not funny. It's just mean.
I'll say. And if we stick together, there is nothing we can't do.
Oh! Oh, my God! Wimbledon is fucking dead! That's insane.
I thought he was like a main guy. What do you mean? What even is a main guy? Like a more important person. You know, I bought the door, bro.
Wayfinder! Get the Wayfinder! Fuck the orb, bro! Run!
Wait up. Wait.
Oh, I see what you're doing. Good idea. We should spread out. It'll make us much, much harder to catch. Good technique. Oh, dear. |
SaturdayNightLive | george_santos_expelled_cold_open_snl | Good evening, I'm Wolf Blitzer. And if I take my glasses off, I'm beautiful. later in the program, I'll have a live conversation with Elon Musk. So go ahead and sell your Tesla stock now.
And we'll talk about his social media site, X, and their only remaining advertiser, Spirit Airlines, whose slogan is also, Go F Yourselves. But first, we have breaking news at the Capitol. we're disgraced and now expelled Congressman George Santos. Final press Conference.
Okay, and now, and now everyone, stop assaulting me. I'm being assaulted. this entire country has been bullying me just because I'm a proud gay thief.
But what else is new?
America hates to see a Latina queen winning. since the day I was elected, it's been a witch hunt. But if I'm guilty of anything, it's for loving too much slash fraud. Now, I'm sure you bloodthirsty jackals in the media have a thousand mean, nasty questions you're dying to ask me.
You called this press conference. no one asked you to do this. Well, America needs closure. one of their favorite sons, me, has been cut down in the prime of his life at 17 years old. And for what? so the government can go back to business as usual? Well, I don't do usual, and I do business as Dr. Tony Goldman.
Okay, who's next? You. name and routing number. No. so how do you feel about being the only the sixth congressman ever expelled from office? Oh, big whoop.
You think I need this? You think I need any of you?
You followed me home and begged me to ask you more questions. Okay, fine. you want me to say that I lost? that I'm humiliated? Fine. So I'm no longer Congressman Santos. I'm just regular old, professor, Major General Reverend Astronaut Santos, Protector of the Realm, Princess of Genovia. you know, is being expelled and prosecuted for 23 felonies a setback? Sure, but I promised myself I wouldn't let it ruin my kwanza. Okay, next question. You, give me your mother's maiden name and childhood pet.
Kellogg and Green Bean? damn it!
Extremely helpful. Thank you.
What do you have to say to all your colleagues in the house who voted to expel you? You know what I say? To hell with Congress.
I don't need them anyway, because my new movie opened this weekend. it's called Renaissance, a film by Beyonce. But years from now, do you worry about how you'll be remembered in history? First of all, you're cute. where did you come from? there's no way you're from a real newspaper. Huff Puffs. See, I knew it. And in terms of history, I know how I'll be remembered. as a martyr, as a champion of the people, they'll think of me as the modern Princess Diana and the modern Marilyn Monroe, which is why I think I'd like to sing a tribute to myself.
Goodbye, Congress Queens. though they never knew me at all because I lied about everything in my life. Then I took a tragic fall. they crawled out of the woodwork. they whispered, he used my donations for Botox. And I said, it was filler slut. And I'm not a bitch, King Clark. And it seems to me, I lived my life like a scandal in the wind. never knowing who to cling to when the law closed in. And I would have liked to have known you, but I'm a different guy. my name is Carlos Duncan Hines. don't look me up, I died. Congress stuff is tough. it's the toughest job I ever had.
And I was a neurosurgeon at Nyu. plus I have the job of dad. I'm sorry, did you just pull a fake baby out of a piano? Magic.
Okay, so I lied. So I told a couple little Febs, like where I went to high school and college and all my jobs, and how I'm something called Jewish. what does that mean? it means Muslim. And it seems to me that I lived my life like an evil forest girl. I'm the guy who lied even too much for Donald Trump. And you all got to laugh at me. And I'd say, lucky you, a candle burned out long before I could flee to Blue. And you can blow me all you want, but I'll never lose my light and lie from New York. it's Saturday. |
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