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dropout | furry_force_part_2_furry_superheroes_get_even_grosser | Now back to Furry Force on Fox Kids! Furry Force, the president has been kidnapped by Victor Vivisector! You can count on us, General! FURSONA TRANSFURMATION!
It's government business, I swear! Now, Mr. President, you'll sign this executive order turning every national forest into a beautiful parking lot! What is it with this guy and parking lots?
Stop right there, Vivisector! Oh, God! Is the squirrel one pregnant? What the fuck? It's time to get pounded by the furry force! Trunk! No! That chance, Furverts! You've fallen right into my trap! Hahaha! Finally, the day is at hand where I, Victor Vivis... What? Stop that! Stop biting!
You!
Haha! Restrain that! Ah! Boss! I think he likes it!
It's okay, Mr. President. We'll get you out of here. I'm sorry. I can't be seen talking to you.
Trank! Now! No! It's so sticky! We need a little help! Kelly, you know what to do! You got it! No! I can't move! I can't look away! This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening!
Kill me! I command you to kill me!
Introducing Fur-Ansis, the newest member of the furry force. I'll entire you in a jiffy gang.
Mr. President, who are these people? Why are they so sexy? Mr. President!
I resign. Click me to subscribe if you like this video. Hey, let's go. Quit plugging your channel. But it's all I have.
Please click me. Click me. Please click me. |
SaturdayNightLive | sandwich_king_snl | Oh, my God, that was the longest meeting in history. four hours. we've had a break. ridiculous. I hate to say it, but I'm hating this job today. I know. can we all just go home? uh-oh. sounds like some dudes have the midday blues.
Who wants a sob from Tommy Bling, the Sandwich King? Yum, yum. come and get it.
Oh, thanks, Tommy, but we're actually all set today. Oh, all set? What are you talking about? How about the girls? I made an extra meeting for you. thank you? Actually, Tommy, we already ordered pizza. how? uh, by going on the Domino's pizza app and ordering pizza. Okay, what's this bitch talking about?
Tommy, don't call him that. your subs are great. we've just been branching out, you know? Yeah, we used to eat your subs every day, and now we're trying something else.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I got it. I got it.
Guess you don't need me anymore. I used to flow, and now I just fall down. I used to roll, but I'm the truth that was made for you. Uh, Tommy? What, you okay? yeah, you kind of just stood there in silence for a while. yeah, you look pretty sad. sad? I'm not sad. you're sad for missing out on these epic subs. I guess I'll just have to take them back to my brothers that are counting. Oh, no, no, they said in the meeting they were going to order from Pav Baji. what the hell is that? it's Indian. it's a new place they wanted to try. Oh, oh, okay, something new. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, I got it. Guess you don't need me anymore. What was I made for? should we do something? He's been singing that Barbie song for like 10 minutes. Hey, Tommy, you okay, buddy? yeah, more than okay. it's you guys that suck dong and think you're better than my subs. that's not true. Look, I've been doing this for 15 years, and you won't even buy a soda? I mean, what's going on?
Well, Tommy, it kind of looks like you filled the bottles yourself because they don't have caps, just tin foil on top. Yeah, and the colors don't seem right. like, coke isn't light blue. buy a pickle, at least. well, not out of a listerine bottle. God forbid I recycle. I mean, look, just forget it.
What do I know? I'm just some sub guy. Tommy, come on. we don't just like you for your food. we like you for who you are as a person. How? well, like, you're funny. Yeah, I mean, you know, I know a joke. okay, knock, knock. who's there?
Two Italian queers.
Tommy, you got to get out of here. Okay, you're right. I'm sorry. we have a lot of work to do. you are always my favorite customers, that's all. Look, I tell you what, why don't you take these subs. they're on the house, Okay? Oh, well, Tommy, that's very nice of you. Oh, you even wrote my name on it, turkey for trash. a veg for deb. Like I said, you're my faves.
Well, there's no sign of the pizza.
Ah, let's do it. All right.
Oh, my god. they're covered in mold. I need a new fridge. Oh, they smell terrible. mine looks okay. you owe me 200 bucks. |
TheOnion | Scientists_Debut_Smug_Robot_That_Can_Run_Half_Marathon_Brag_About_It | His name is ASIMO. Honda has unveiled its new human-like robot that the team says is designed to run a non-competitive half marathon and then smugly brag about it afterwards. Project leader Kenji Saito calls the robot very aggravating, adding, quote, We knew how to create a robot that could run great distances at high speeds. The challenge was to build a bot that would be impressed with its own minor achievement. According to Saito, the robot even believes it could run a full marathon if it wanted to, but it's just doing this to stay in shape and have some fun. Aiming to make the android as realistically human as possible, scientists installed sensors to register derisive comments and eye rolls from annoyed co-workers as genuine interest in its self-centered blathering.
You can tell it outright. You are a complete dick. No one cares that you made $185,000 last year and no one cares that you ran a half marathon.
It still thinks it's the king of the fucking world. The team noted that the irritating robot could be useful in medical fields as well. Already, ASIMO has pestered scientists into sponsoring it to run a 5K in Cape Cod this summer and to date, it's raised over $700 for leukemia research. |
dropout | the_special_effects_of_wanderlust_with_ken_marino_and_david_wain | One or Less was probably the greatest challenge of my directing career. We wanted to push the envelope when it came to special effects, show you things you've never seen before. Nowhere was this more apparent than how seamlessly we integrated Joe Lattrullio's performance as Paul Rudd. We used cutting edge technology to bring you the most lifelike Paul Rudd you've ever seen. I was nervous about doing a big budget FX movie, but it really felt like I was talking to Paul Rudd. Special effects should always be used in service of the actor's performance.
Yes, absolutely. For example, Joe Lattrullio plays a nudist, but wasn't comfortable hearing naked on camera. And Ken Marino wasn't comfortable performing in close, so we digitally added his wardrobe. Right, that's correct. I believe I can fly! We knew we wanted real star power in the film, and so, of course, we hired the world famous Jennifer Aniston puppeteer on Swamiji. Well, I see your point, but I kind of value the sleeping pill and the blackberry and the...
This is a life-like wig made of endangered silkworm thread for Carrie. Oh, gosh, it's like taking a breath for the first time when I put this on.
No, right, right, absolutely. Like, my character drives a car, you want to see. Oh, yeah. So production bought a major Chinese auto manufacturer, so I could immerse myself in that world. What's going on? Is it much?
One of the most exciting things is, and this, we pulled a lot of strings, and it was a pain in the ass to all make happen. It creased a lot of wheels. And it was a lot of waiting. It was a waiting game.
Yeah. But we did become the first movie to shoot inside the Vatican. Totally worth it. Look, don't get us wrong. It's very important that all the money ends up on screen. Right, which is why we had a $200 million pile of cash on screen at all times. Do you want me to enter this data?
Unfortunately, the audiences and test screenings voted and didn't really like it and thought it looked stupid. They didn't like it, yeah.
So we had it digitally removed to the tune of several million dollars. It's not cheap. It's not cheap at all.
At the end of the day, it's a great movie. Great movie. And I hope that people take the time to go see it.
Yeah. And preferably like nine or ten times because we did the math and if everybody in the world sees it nine to ten times, I feel like it would be considered a hit. In retrospect, next time we want Paul Rudd, we should just get Paul Rudd. Wanderlust. |
cracked | dispatches_from_goddamn_space_episode_4_the_difference_between_humans_and_machines | Silverton Elementary School! Hi! Make some noise for yourselves! Whoo-hoo!
You are probably wondering about these little guys. Or, maybe not. I have no idea what registers with you, your developing brains.
These are tools specifically designed for this shuttle. And I thought it would be cool today if I took you through some of the projects that I work on here on Typhus. This is a plasma gun.
No, I'm kidding. They don't let us have guns.
This is a drill. A very, very powerful drill.
Probably more powerful than your dad's car. You know, assuming you have a dad. I have no idea what your home life is like. Or the economic stability of your school district. And let's admit it, those things are related. Or maybe you have a perfectly fine home life. Your dad just has to be away because he's an airline pilot.
Or he's at the bottom of the ocean in a submarine for science. Or whatever the celestial combination of those two jobs might be. And that doesn't mean that he's bad. He's not bad. He probably misses you very much.
So we use these to bore holes, to screw screws, fastened bolts. You get the idea. Right now, payload specialist Abram is out on the Affuse Lodge using one of these guys to fix a broken panel. And while he's out there, I have to do my job in here. I'm going to go around the ship and I find all the pieces of steel that aren't necessary for the structural stability of the ship. And I remove them and then I fasten them over the interior airlock doors.
But our work is never done. There's always some new task to take care of. Abram and I will move on to our next tasks.
Almost like it was preordained, like fate. Do you hear that? He's done already. Abram is very good at what he does. And in a second, I'll find the note that I left him explaining the revised objective of the mission. As well as why all of our food rations are in the airlock. That silence? That means everything is going according to plan.
There's a precision to everything that we do. Without precision, there could be catastrophic effects up here. Precision is the closest that we get to perfection. It's the closest that we get to God.
Okay, cadets. Who heard me say revised objective?
That's good.
You all are getting so smart. See, sometimes a mission specialist will have to come up with a new strategy, a new mission objective in the middle of a mission because of unforeseen circumstances that he... Abram! I am teaching! Shut up! I will suck you into space!
Who's heard of Fomalhaut? You guys learned about that yet?
It is the 18th brightest star in the entire sky. And it sits right on the horizon of Earth. It's out there for just a few hours every single night. But there are no stars around it. And that's why most people don't know it as Fomalhaut. They know it as the loneliest star.
Well, we're headed in the exact opposite direction. F*** that star. Sorry. I'm sorry for the language. It's just we are in a very unfortunate orbit up here.
I can see that star out my window every single night and every single day. It's a danger to the mission, is what it is. If my calculations are correct, they are. We will exit Earth's orbit in exactly 32 minutes. And if everything goes according to plan, we will just stop. And that way, you guys on Earth and the entire planet will always be between us and that terrible, terrible star. Look for us tonight. Use your telescopes. We'll be in the northwest corner of the sky. I'll be waving. Until then, this is Mission Specialist Marcus, boldly going. Make sure he's got enough oxygen.
God damn it, did I know? Hey guys, thanks for watching the video. And with no trace of irony, I beg you to subscribe to the Cracked YouTube channel and thump up the video in all our other videos. Yeah.
These are tools specifically designed for this shuttle. And I thought it would be cool today if I took you through some of the projects that I work on here on Typhus. This is a plasma gun.
No, I'm kidding. They don't let us have guns.
This is a drill, a very, very powerful drill. Probably more powerful than your dad's car.
You know, assuming you have a dad. I have no idea what your home life is like. Or the economic stability of your school district. And let's admit it, those things are related. Or maybe you have a perfectly fine home life, but your dad just has to be away because he's an airline pilot. Or he's at the bottom of the ocean in a submarine for science. Or whatever the celestial combination of those two jobs might be.
And that doesn't mean that he's bad. He's not bad. He probably misses you very much.
So we use these to bore holes, to screw screws, fastened bolts. You get the idea. And right now, payload specialist Abram is out on the Avfusilage using one of these guys to fix a broken panel. And while he's out there, I have to do my job in here. I'm going to go around the ship and I find all the pieces of steel that aren't necessary for the structural stability of the ship. Remove them, and then I fasten them over the interior airlock doors.
But our work is never done. There's always some new task to take care of. And Abram and I will move on to our next tasks.
Almost like it was preordained like fate. Do you hear that? He's done already. Abram is very good at what he does. And in a second, I'll find the note that I left him explaining the revised objective of the mission. As well as why all of our food rations are in the airlock. That silence? That means everything is going according to plan.
There's a precision to everything that we do. Without precision, there could be catastrophic effects up here. Precision is the closest that we get to perfection. It's the closest that we get to God.
Okay, cadets. Who heard me say revised objective?
That's good.
You all are getting so smart. See, sometimes a mission specialist will have to come up with a new strategy, a new mission objective in the middle of a mission because of unforeseen circumstances that he... Abram! I am teaching! Shut up! I will suck you into space!
Who's heard of Fomalhaut? You guys learned about that yet?
It is the 18th brightest star in the entire sky. And it sits right on the horizon of Earth. It's out there for just a few hours every single night, but there are no stars around it, and that's why most people don't know it as Fomalhaut. They know it as the loneliest star.
Well, we're headed in the exact opposite direction. F*** that star. Sorry. I'm sorry for the language.
It's just we are in a very unfortunate orbit up here. I can see that star out my window every single night and every single day. It's a danger to the mission, is what it is. If my calculations are correct, they are, we will exit Earth's orbit in exactly 32 minutes, and if everything goes according to plan, we will just stop. And that way, you guys on Earth, and the entire planet will always be between us and that terrible, terrible star. Look for us tonight. Use your telescopes. We'll be in the northwest corner of the sky. I'll be waving.
Until then, this is Mission Specialist Marcus, boldly going to check on Avro. Make sure he's got enough oxygen. God damn it, did I hit him? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_the_hulk_s_disappointing_transformation_snl | The Avengers shattered box office records last week and kicking off the summer movie season with a bang. here to comment is one of the Avengers himself, Dr. Bruce Banner. Thank you for having me. Now, for those of you who don't know, Bruce is also the Incredible Hulk.
Okay. you see, you promised me that I could come out here and talk about science, but I bet you just want to watch me turn into the Hulk, right? Well, yeah, because science is boring. you know what? that really gets me, Seth.
I'm not gonna lie. that gets me. What about this? does this get you?
Stop it. Stop it, Seth. I've got to switch to the pointy, eh? Ow! don't do that. Stop it, Seth. you're making me angry. And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry! Hey! you stop it! Turn around!
No! Oh, no. Oh, no, it's happening. Yes, here we go. Oh, no. Oh, Seth, Run! I'm not going anywhere. No! no! Oh, the pain!
Oh, the Hulk is coming! Oh, the Hulk is on his way to destroy all of the people who stand in his way. Oh, there is no stopping the Incredible Hulk.
Stand back, Seth! I'm really sorry about this. I thought this would be so much cooler.
And one hand, One hand of the Hulk has arrived. I'll be warned. Oh, the Hulk will smash. Two hands, two hands of the Hulk, and most of his face have taken over my human doctor body. shouldn't your shirt have ripped off? Oh, no shirt off, none, none Shirt off. Hulk is not comfortable with that. don't come on.
I can't help noticing your neck hasn't changed at all. Okay. well, it's a little hard to do with two Hulk hands and one hand is back to normal. and is back to normal. did one hand get less angry? Oh, my neck and my face is. Let's see, my face is.
Oh, this stinks. I'm done transforming.
Yeah, but your shirt is still on. Okay, Hulk is not comfortable with that, Seth. Hulk has body issues. Please respect that. respect the character and rip through your shirt.
What is your deal, Seth? I mean, seriously.
Okay, you know what, fine. fine, the Hulk is coming, Okay? The Hulk is coming. Look away. look away from the monster. Oh, no. this is trick Hulk learned in camp.
How about this? you have to rip through the pants. See, you make this weird. you did it. What?
Incredible Hulk. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_PM_passes_the_buck_on_Assaults_Josh_Intimidates_Facebook_More_Booing_in_ | We hope you enjoyed your weekend. Errol's not with us today.
He's out in the cabin that he's built at the back of his nephew's place. His nephew's got a few acres out there north of Batutah and he's working on, I guess, not exactly being a prepper but he's trying to be a bit more self-sufficient and yeah, it's all part of this new men going their own way movement he's been involved in. Yeah, he's got a couple of mates out there hunting, shooting, fishing, all that kind of stuff, self-sufficient. Sounds like an interesting little project.
Hopefully we do see him soon though, it's quite in the office today. And yes it is. So you're left here with myself, Clancy Overhill, editor of the Batutah Advocate and Wendell Hussey, the news reader. How are you Wendell? Very well, thank you Clancy, looking forward to knocking this over and taking the dirtbikes out the Tsavo so that should be a bit of fun. How are you travelling? I'm well mate, I'm well, I'll be manning the desk, waiting for any more developments from our bureau down in Canberra because as we've all learnt, the news publications are coming back online on Facebook bit by bit and there is plenty coming out of Canberra.
The news cycle just keeps on chugging and we will start off down there in Canberra with the Prime Minister claiming that sexual assaults in Parliament House have always been an issue for the states to deal with. Yes, unable to leverage a few doses of this vaccine to brush off all that talk of criminal activity taking place in his own workplace. Scotty from Marketing has this week tried another interesting play. Yeah, he decided to run out one of those strategies that worked so well for him during the height of the pandemic and sought to shift the issue of blame for something onto the states there, saying this was something the premiers should be dealing with. Sexual assault in the Parliament House offices of federal ministers has always been an issue for the states. I want transparency and cooperation from our premiers and I'll tell them that myself but I'll say it again, this has always been something that the states run point on. Straight shooting Scotty there, we'll let you know how that conversation goes if we get word.
There was a little win for the government though this week, Facebook seemed to have turned the news back on as you mentioned there before Clancy and Josh Frydenberg might have had something to do with that. He reportedly changed his Zoom background to Bowser's Castle to intimidate the Silicon Valley nerd Mark Zuckerberg during their negotiations and it seemed to get the job done Clancy. Yeah, sort of, both sides have stepped down a bit and Facebook have turned the taps back on for news publications here in Australia and the Treasury has taken credit for it after changing his video call background to the famous castle from Super Mario and putting the fear of God in the tech billionaire that is in charge of Facebook. Yes, lots of sniffing of brimstone and talking about how hot the lava was apparently had Mark Zuckerberg quite scared but we did have a comment on this story from Judith Clark, one that may be cause for a bit of reflection.
She said the Petuta mob were a great mob once upon a time. Recently they have become rude, crude and unacceptable. Petuta is a small town in western Queensland with a pub and I feel that you should change your name from Petuta to Rubbish. Sorry Judith. She was quite angry there Judith, responding to a lot of other people in the comments who gave her a little piece of their mind.
Down south in Melbourne this week and Victorians have taken a break from booing Aboriginal AFL stars to focus on booing public health officials. Yes, the nation's month long love affair with tennis came to a close on Sunday night and during the presentation of the male championship trophies the tennis crowds were even more feral than usual, deciding to boo public health efforts and any mention of the vaccine by the presenters. Yes, they really do love booing down there. There was some allegations that no Vax fans played a big part in it but there was a lot so it must have been the rest of the crowd getting into it too. It's not yet known what they'll be booing next with the tennis over but this has come as confirmation that perhaps there is a good reason why the pink test isn't played down there at the MCG. In some other anti-vax news, a local anti-vax here in Petuta has urged people to do their own research into car seats. Yes, we got a whole lot of angry comments on this story.
We wrote this one after speaking to Butter Hibiscus, a mummy blogger from our French quarter who said that she's exercising her right as a mother not to let her young children ride in government-approved seating devices in her car because this 29-year-old graduate of the University of Big Pond has done her own research and she has found that car seats, baby seats, may cause more harm than good. Yes, she said to us baby capsules can cause scoliosis and diabetes. Well scoliosis, an unnatural curvature in the spine, can be very bad for you. Maybe not quite as bad for you as your spine going through the windscreen at 110km an hour but certainly quite bad.
And in some more local news, a tabby cat has rejected the offer of an open door despite meowing for 10 minutes to be let inside. Yes, it's a heartwarming one this one. Young Emily Gordon down in Petuta Heights spoke to us about the incident saying after a fair chunk of meowing at the front door she finally caved and swung it open only for a feline friend to decide she wasn't interested in coming inside and prowling off somewhere else. Yeah, probably off to go and kill some native wildlife but Liz Stott left a comment on this story which is an interesting one I think. She said existentially, and Liz Stott left a comment on this story which might make you ponder Clancy. She said existentially speaking, the cat is always on the wrong side of the door.
Something to leave you thinking at the end of our news bulletin. That's all for us. Thanks for your company. Have a great weekend and we'll be back at you again on Monday morning. See you bye. |
TheOnion | 100_iPhones_Found_In_Lake_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | Alright Virgil, what are we looking at here? I have no idea. Okay, well on cursory inspection I would say this is an iPhone. Excuse me? An iPhone is a very popular type of cell phone that people often drop in lakes. I don't understand at all.
And as a result we see a lot of them dredged up for appraisal. Well I've got a lot more in here. Okay, okay, well it looks like you've got about a hundred iPhones here. And each one of these is worth about three hundred dollars new. For this little thing? These are worth that much?
Slow down Virgil. You just made the classic dredger mistake of not factoring in water damage. Oh, yeah. And in this case the water has depreciated the value by roughly one hundred percent. Can I use it myself?
Do any of them turn on? Turn on? They would need to turn on in order to function and these almost certainly do not turn on.
Stop right there. I've embarrassed myself enough. Well, I had a good dredge not too long ago up Akikwa Lake way. I don't know if I call it memorable. Although I suppose I'm remembering it now so it is a memorable dredge. You got me.
His hair has been all over me. Today is the day little J finally gets soaked. You can still eat that. That's disgusting. Can you help me hang up this banner of Muhammad with a dick in his mouth? |
dropout | that_special_someone_you_ll_f_ck_this_holiday_season | I'm nervous. Oh don't be ridiculous. They're gonna love you. Take it! And is this who I think it is?
Yeah, this is the guy from high school that I'll be fucking while we're both home for the holidays. Your holiday's stuffing. Bobby, hi. I'm gonna fuck him twice this week and then a couple of times next Christmas. We honestly don't know much about each other besides the fact that we're single and bored. Oh, you don't need to explain holiday stuffing to me.
Come on in, guys. Harold, honey, the kids are here. Hi, I'm Mr. Jarvis. You must be the young man who's ass pubes I found in my Lincoln. Yes, sir. We're both staying with parents, so I rail your daughter in your car. Right.
So, how'd you two meet? Actually, we know each other from high school. We never talked then, but we were the only ones who went off to college. Yeah, and now we're back in town. Everybody has kids, so we get together over the holidays and taste each other's holes.
So, what exactly are your intentions for my daughter? Dad?
No. Come on. That's all right.
Well, sir, I'm gonna text her every night this week around 10.30, except for the actual holiday, of course. That way you'll be asleep. Then we're gonna have one perfunctory drink before we find a parking lot away from the street. Well, he won't be interrupted while he eats my pussy for 30 minutes.
Yeah. We don't know each other well sexually, so it takes me a while to make her come. I remember my holiday stuffing. It was a boy from my church. I don't remember his name, but he had a thick cock. Oh. Mine was a guy. Ray. Was it Ray? Maybe. We used to masturbate together in the bed of my truck.
Oh, my Lord, it would get so cold. Oh, God, it was cold!
It's a wonderful holiday tradition, like eating at the restaurants they don't have in your new city. I like saying I think this is Grandma's last Christmas. Holiday stuffing is my favorite part of coming home.
It's a nice reminder that I'm an adult with sexual agency even though I'm staying in my childhood bedroom. And it means I'll get the hometown stretching I missed out on in high school. It means you can get through those tense family dinners knowing you're about to get bald. Or it means you don't have to masturbate with your folks in the next room.
Oh, my vibrator is way too loud for that. Oh, that's a singer.
Actually, Megan, we should... Oh, yeah, Mom, Dad, we gotta go. Yes, yes, get out of here, you two. Go on. Hey, you two, don't bring the car back smelling like an aquarium. We'll find an alley, sir.
Megan. Yeah, Dad? Merry Christmas. You too, Daddy. Oh, fuck, that's gonna make me shoot. Oh, yeah.
I feel like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's...
Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
cracked | when_i_was_15_i_jumped_off_a_building_with_an_umbrella_ft_dan_licata | When I was 15, I jumped off a 25 foot building with an umbrella and shattered both of my legs while my friend videotaped it and had to be rushed to surgery. Oh, they needed surgery for that. Yeah, they had to. They were shattering both of your legs. Yeah.
How did that feel? No, it's the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. By a country mile, they say like on a scale of one to 10, how bad does this hurt? Oh, with the ochie faces. They asked me and I was like, there's gotta be pain worse than this.
So I said an eight and then they immediately thought I was on drugs and I was stone cold sober at the time, which they did not believe for a minute. Do you saw the video? The police confiscated it. Wow, what? As I was trespassing on church property, so they took the video. Maybe two years later, this girl came up to me and she was like, wait, you're that kid that jumped off Christ the King Church, right? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, this is nuts. My brother was in a scared straight type program. And they made all the kids watch it. |
dropout | kim_jong_un_vs_kim_jong_il | It is late sir, do you require a sleeping cake? Kim Jong-Un, my son. It is true, I was dead. But then robot stuff happened and now here I am. I, your father, have returned. Ah, weak and emotional as always, disgusting. Now show me my kingdom. It's worse than I expected. You have completed none of my plans.
Great Satan America and false Korea remain unconquered. Infant plastic surgery is far from universal. Australia still stands in the way of my memorial centaur. Squirrels continue to secretly mock us. I know they do, don't deny it.
There is only one clear course of action. Kim Jong-Un must die. But sir, consider his accomplishments, his celebrity friends, his discovery of the female super orgasm. Meaningless, when it comes to Kim Jongs, there can only be one. A Highlander quote. Hm, an inferior Western film that failed to meet Kim Jong-Il's cinematic standards. He would never reference it. Let's go. You can't speak. Weird.
This cyborg was being controlled remotely. I will hack its mainframe and discover from where? Yes, hm, hacking, hacking, continuing to hack. Aha, I have located the signal. Shall we follow it to its source? |
SaturdayNightLive | cheri_oteri_saturday_night_live | A great honor. Now, with an editorial comment is our own Sheri Oteri.
Kyle, last week, the insanely beautiful Miss Catherine Zeta-jones announced her engagement to actor-director Michael Douglas, who was 26 years her senior. Okay, now, a lot of people are grossed out by this May-december romance, but I say it differently, Kyle, because I believe that when two people are in love, age doesn't matter. that's why I am here to announce my engagement to four-year-old Tyler Kimball. we met shooting a Cheerios commercial. I was playing the young mom, and Tyler was cast as my finicky son. Oh, sparks were immediate. we just fell in love.
Oh, okay. Oh, this is us at the Inspector Gadget Premiere. it was our first public appearance. we were both tired of saying we were just friends, right? Oh, okay, this is us at Chris Kattan's birthday party. Yeah, that was such a crazy night. Oh, Janine started flirting with him, and I was like, girlfriend, step back. Okay, she knew. All right, okay. Oh, this is when Tyler took me to St. Bart's for my birthday. it was so great to get away, because the press had been very mean to us, Kyle. the New York Post started calling me high cherry Oteri, which was arbitrary, but hurtful nonetheless. Come on.
But Tyler and I stuck it out, And, Kyle, I want to invite you to our wedding. it's gonna be March 8th at the home of Tony Randall and his wife, Bri. my friends. what happened to your last boyfriend? Well, I wanted somebody with a more secure future, and Tyler has big goals, very big goals. he either wants to be a Spaceman, or he wants to do something with trucks. we don't know why, but something with trucks. he loves trucks, and I support him. How could you be in love with a little kid? what do you talk about? Oh, God. we talk for hours about things like juice and what color things are.
You know, Kyle, there's this idea that people in show business think that they can make their own rules and do whatever they want. Well, I'm here to say, you know what? we do. because we can. I mean, rich old men are gonna get all the primo tail, and I'm gonna marry a baby. deal with that, middle class America. Cheri Oteri, everybody. you have your chance, Grandpa! I'm Tyler Quinn, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Get well, Dave. |
cracked | if_characters_knew_they_were_in_a_90s_kids_movie | This will be our fourth straight undefeated year. That's a record, right? I can't wait to- They don't count those chickens yet, boys.
We still have to win this game. We need to focus. Just because this team doesn't have the winningest record doesn't mean we- Oh, no! What, Coach? We're gonna lose! We're gonna lose bad.
I'll get some of those guys. Quick, Coach. It looks like a bunch of freaks. Yeah, exactly. Nerds, outcasts, troubled thugs. I've seen this before. Seen what? They're rag-tagging. You making that up, sir? Look at them. They've got everything. Kid with glasses, homemade uniforms, chubby kid who seems hilarious. He's probably gonna hit a surprise home run later.
Oh, they're rag-tagging us so hard. How are we supposed to compete with that? Seriously, with our years of practice and improved abilities?
Yes. Yeah, maybe. If it was the beginning of the season. But now at the championship game when everything's on the line?
No, boys. I'm sorry, boo.
Is there pitcher or girl wearing a cast? Come on, Hope! You're not gonna do anything about this! The arm is gonna be so good now!
But, Coach, they lost half of their games this season. They got into the finals on a technicality?
Don't you understand? That makes it infinitely worse! Have you seen a movie? This whole thing is about...
They have a dog. There's a golden retriever. Oh, that is just too f***ing rag-tag. There's no rule this is a dog.
Can't play baseball. Yeah, actually, there are several very clearly worded rules that say baseball is for people.
But I guess we're gonna ignore those! No, that dog is gonna play. And that dog is going to destroy you, my friend.
But, Coach, we practice every day for four years. I saw their last practice. They just did about 10 seconds of 20 drills and quit. They mo- They did a training montage and you didn't think to tell me?
What if we got inside their heads? That girl featured. I'll say something to throw up. Don't you dare! If you do, she's gonna look you dead in the eyes, wind up, and throw a baseball right in your balls! On purpose, she can't!
The arms- Oh, the arms! The arms are gonna do what?
That girl is probably being raised by a single dad who's just doing his best. And this little league team is the first time she's really felt like a part of something. So yeah, she's gonna win. She's gonna win and she's gonna impress the boyishly handsome second baseman. But first, she's gonna bean you in the balls, your eyes are gonna cross comically, and the up won't say a word.
Well, can we do anything? No! Not in le- Wait, neither of you are from a broken home, right? Or maybe someone's dying or something? Maybe? Or winning this game will reunite your estranged parents? Is that true for anyone on the team? Alright, show of hands, show of hands, sad broken homes.
We're all incredibly healthy. And my dad's the mayor of this town.
Damn, you sound like a villain when you say that. Do you realize that? Do you listen to- Okay, shut up.
Nevermind. Just- Okay. Okay, here we go. Boys! Ever since I became head coach of the West Memphis Country Clubbers- God, you're f***ed. I told you to try your hardest, to practice often, and that if you care about something and you pour in time and effort, you can't lose. But that's all bullsh***. So, the harder we try, the more those underdogs are gonna crush us. New plan. We go out there, and we put in the absolute bare minimum amount of effort required to win. And, we don't look like villains. Okay? What are we gonna do? Be nice and not try very hard?
That's right! Alright, get out there. Go on! Have fun, I guess. Give it your medium. You throw like a girl!
Ah, poor choice. Oh no! My ball! Walk it off!
Don't do that. We're not gonna do that. The next episode's already written. You don't know what you're doing. We're no power in this situation. Professionals. We know what we're doing.
You're here to watch it. Thanks for watching!
What, coach? We're gonna lose! We're gonna lose bad!
I'll get some of those guys. Quick, don't. They look like a bunch of freaks. Yeah, exactly. Nerds, outcasts, troubled thugs. I've seen this before. Seen what? They're rag-tagging. You making that up, sir? Look at them. They've got everything. Kid with glasses, homemade uniforms, chubby kid who seems hilarious. He's probably gonna hit a surprise home run later.
Oh, they're rag-tagging us so hard! How are we supposed to compete with that? Seriously, with our years of practice and improved abilities?
Yes. Yeah, maybe. If it was the beginning of the season. But now at the championship game when everything's on the line?
No, boys. I'm sorry.
Is there a picture of a girl wearing a cast? Come on, Hope! You're not gonna do anything about this! The arm is gonna be so good now!
But coach, they lost half of their games this season. They got into the finals on a technicality?
Don't you understand? That makes it infinitely worse! Have you seen a movie? This whole thing is about...
They have a dog. There's a golden retriever. Oh, that is just too f***ing rag-tag. There's no rule this is a dog.
Can't play baseball. Yeah, actually there are several very clearly worded rules that say baseball is for people.
But I guess we're gonna ignore those! No, that dog is gonna play. And that dog is going to destroy you, my friend.
But coach, we practiced every day for four years. I saw their last practice. They just did about 10 seconds of 20 drills and quit. They did a training montage!
And you didn't think to tell me? What if we got inside their heads? That girl picture, I'll say something to throw up. Don't you dare! If you do, she's gonna look you dead in the eyes, wind up, and throw a baseball right into your balls! On purpose? She can't!
The arms... Oh, the arms! The arms are gonna do what?
That girl? He's probably being raised by a single dad who's just doing his best, and this little league team is the first time she's really felt like a part of something. So yeah, she's gonna win. She's gonna win, and she's gonna impress the boyishly handsome second baseman. But first, she's gonna bean you in the balls, your eyes are gonna cross comically, and the up won't say a word.
Well, can we do anything? No! Not unless... Wait, neither of you are from a broken home, right? Or maybe someone's dying or something? Maybe? Or winning this game will reunite your estranged parents? Is that true for anyone on the team? Alright, show of hands, show of hands, sad, broken homes.
We're all incredibly healthy. And my dad's the mayor of this town.
Damn, you sound like a villain when you say that. Do you realize that? Do you listen to...
Okay, shut up. Never mind. Just... Okay... Okay, here we go.
Boys... Ever since I became head coach of the West Memphis Country Clubbers...
God, we're f***ed. I told you to try your hardest, to practice often, and that if you care about something and you pour in time and effort, you can't lose. But that's all bullsh***, so the harder we try, the more those underdogs are gonna crush us. New plan. We go out there, and we put in the absolute bare minimum amount of effort required to win, and we don't look like villains. Okay? What are we gonna do? Be nice and not try very hard?
That's right! Play ball! Alright, get out there. Go on! Have fun, I guess. Give it your medium. You'd throw like a girl! Ah, poor choice. Oh no! My ball! Walk it off! |
dropout | playing_diablo_summons_the_devil | From orcs to snorks, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else. That is correcting people. This is Unactualy.
Joining us today, we have Shane Brown. Hello there. Jordan Doll. Hi. And Ify Waddiway.
What's good everybody? The game is very simple.
I have here a stack of statements. These are false statements about the franchises that you love the most. It's up to you to buzz in, find the thing that is wrong with what I've said, and correct me. You have to proceed your correction with the phrase, um, actually, if you don't, I won't give you the point. I'm wildly uncomfortable around all of these kind of quarter turn off nerd paraphernalia.
Is that a poke cube back there? It's a kachum cube. I'm out of here.
Well with that, we will jump right into our first question.
This is about Diablo, video game Diablo. While the village of Tristram serves as the setting of the first Diablo game, we revisit it briefly in Diablo 2, though the only NPC from the first game still in Tristram, Deckard Cane, has been captured by demons overrunning the town.
Shane. It's not Deckard Cane. Um, actually, it's not Deckard Cane. It's not. It's the NPC. Uh, no. It's not the NPC. Uh, no. Deckard Cane is a character that... Yes. Um, actually, no. Deckard Cane isn't the only NPC.
You still have the armorer, the jeweler, the blacksmith, which is the same as the armorer. You know, all the other upgrades, they're there.
You are close. You're technically wrong in that you've offered too much information to the point where you become wrong.
But I... Okay. But...
But I'm tempted to give you the point. Yeah, you should. Because I... Are you good? I was coming with you. I know someone who might have a smoother answer.
You know, but I gave you the meat. I just gave you too much meat. You're correct in that Deckard Cane is not the only NPC. So you give us too many.
So I feel like you're just coming with a guess. But you know what? If you can guess who that other... other... other person is... Can you guess the other person? If you want the point.
Scotty Pippen. First one took place. No, it's not Scotty Pippen. Weird. Weird game, Diablo. It's just... It's just Deckard Cane and Scotty Pippen.
Welcome. Come. Stay a while. I don't know what's happening.
Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan.
Let's find some demons. It's like Space Jam, but with devils. Well, that's how they got on fire. The NBA Jam is Scotty Pippen. It's a demon fire. It's a crossover game. From the Diablo universe. He's got some diabolical power. I would play the shit out of that game.
So you see Deckard Cane. You also see the blacksmith, but he is a zombie now. All the other folks, you don't see the jeweler and stuff, but you did tell us that we do also see the blacksmith.
You gave us a little too much to be wrong. I'm still going to give you the point. So that is one point for Ify. Diablo was one of those first games that legitimately scared me when I was playing it. You know what I mean?
I was banned from that game because my mom didn't want me to bring the devil. Too satanic. Yeah. You don't bring that devil around my house. All right.
Well, we will move on to our next question, which is about Overwatch. Oh, my lips are just tingling. The heroes of Overwatch run the gamut from plausible to far-fetched, including a super intelligent gorilla named Winston, a dwarven engineer named Torbjorn, and a celebrity musician named Lucio. Ify. I'm actually...
Torbjorn isn't a dwarf. He's just short. That's true. Torbjorn is not a dwarf.
He just is a dwarf in like every possible way. If you're like drawing a picture of a dwarf, it would be like... There's a guy in mechanical armor with a hammer, and you're like, are you a dwarf? He's like, I take offense to that. Why are you dressed exactly like a dwarf?
Why do you live in a mountain?
I'm sorry, what's your name again? Torbjorn? Yeah, you've got a fucking word for us. All right, we will move on.
This next question is about Dragon Ball Z. I feel like a bad nerd right now. Oh, no, it's just this is Ify. I feel like they pulled it off the Ify holder.
Watch me just whiff this question, too. I don't want to be too jazzed up. Let me put this right here. I'm just going to watch.
Goku, same warrior and hero of Earth, first learns the Kamehameha energy attack from the Namekian warrior Piccolo, incorporating it into his fight against Ify. Um, actually, he does not learn the Kamehameha from Piccolo. I think he learns it from King Kai. He doesn't learn it from Piccolo, but you are not correct in that he learns from King Kai. He learns it from the older gentleman with the beard.
Master Roshi? I've seen, like, four episodes. Master Roshi?
Oh, my God. I mean, you're correct about it.
He does learn from Master Roshi. He didn't know it was Master Roshi.
Am I wrong, though? Is he an older gentleman with the beard? More importantly, Shane, you didn't say um, actually. Um, actually.
Um, actually, he learned it from Master Roshi. Master Roshi?
That is correct. I think, as a tiebreaker, you guys should jump 70 feet in the air and fight for, like, four episodes. Good.
Fightin'! That's also in the Ify folder. Fighting. Fighting and lifting weights.
Those are my subclasses. Do you feel, like, um, like a love of Dragon Ball Z stuff led you to being like, I gotta, uh, to, like, bodybuilding and weightlifting and stuff like that? Yeah, 100%. I say that all the time. That's why I started lifting weights, is because you want to get as strong as Goku.
And it's the only place that it's acceptable to go, ah! And no one thinks you're crazy, you know? That's true.
They think you're crazy. They're just also crazy. No, I'm crazy, too.
Everyone in a gym is trying to go super saiyan. The weights are just an excuse.
It's like, maybe today. Maybe today's the day.
Ify? Um, actually, I don't think they're called the Dora Milaje. I think they have a different name. Uh, no, that is the correct name.
See, I pronounce it Dora Milaje. I didn't want to hurt it. That's fair. I'm certainly not pronouncing it. Because I'm Nigerian, you know, there's a way you say, like, Dora Milaje. You know, you say it like...
That's totally reasonable. I apologize for the picture. No, but it's not your fault. That is all perfectly reasonable.
I still get the point, though, right? Yes, you still get the point. Absolutely.
I already Venmo-ed it. I got to pay some... Who only got that point in? I got to pay some points back from a different show I sucked on. I'm sure you got negative points. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went on Jeopardy! I sucked real hard. So I got to come on here and slowly earn a couple points to pay him back.
Yeah, I agree with that, B. If when you're leaving, they're just like, you know, we need those points. We'll be calling. Look, we don't care whether you go on I'm Actually or Join Weight Watchers. I don't care. You just need to give us these damn points.
That brings us to our first shiny question of the game. They're just like shiny Pokemon, right? They're the same as other questions, just a little bit different and a little bit rarer.
Now, spelling in English is hard enough. Spelling in sci-fi and fantasy is damn near impossible. Extra apostrophes, consonants, and all kinds of shit all over the place. So I am going to give you a word from sci-fi fantasy and ask for you to spell it. Apostrophes count, spaces count.
I'm sorry to say it's close, but no. Um, actually, how close was he, though? He was pretty close.
Gosh, I wish I was paying more attention.
Gosh, you're so close. I'm almost going to give you the point, but I'm not going to. I'm going to say that goes to no one.
It is R-A... Apostrophe... S... Space... A-L... Space... G-H-U-L.
That should have been a space and not an apostrophe. That's what I meant. It's the speech impediment that I have.
That's it for this preview of Um, Actually. But wait, there's more. In fact, a whole 66% of this episode. To watch it, just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. And since we're all about being correct here, I should point out that it's not actually 66%. It's 66.666666.
This is a game where you match sayings with particular characters. These could be catchphases. These could be all kinds of things. This particular round, we are going to be matching last words. Let's go. |
dropout | mount_everest_has_been_completely_trashed_by_tourism_adam_ruins_everything | So, you said your name's Burch? Is that a nickname, or?
Pull me up!
Of course. Sorry. Yeah! Thank you.
Now, if you will excuse me, I will be continuing my Everest Summit solo. I came up here to get away from people. Hate to break it to you, but Everest is actually way too full of people. And this avalanche of tourists is turning this majestic mountain into a depressing dump. I'm no tourist. I'm on a spiritual journey.
Summoning Mount Everest is the pinnacle of human achievement. Sure, it was the first time. When Mountaineers Tenzing Norgay and Edmund Hillary summited Mount Everest in 1953, it was a feat never before achieved by humankind. Huzzah! We've done it. Now, no one else ever has to do it again. But today, budget tour companies help over 100,000 amateurs climb Everest every year. Ah! Haha. Crushing Everest AF.
What? But he's not seeking enlightenment, he's just a tourist.
Yeah, and to make matters worse, these tourists are total slobs. So many climbers abandon tents, equipment, and other items on their climb. Every year, the mountain accumulates around 50 new tons of trash. Can we postmates a maid up here? Oh, that is shameful. I will be taking all of my waste with me. Yeah? Well, don't forget about your human waste. Everest tourists annually leave behind around 26,000 pounds of pee and poop. And since it takes longer for waste to disintegrate at high altitudes, that means this majestic mountain is now covered in our poop-sicles. So much human waste has built up over the years that local villages' major water sources are now completely polluted, and their yaks frequently get stuck in ponds of human poop. I can't imagine anything more disturbing.
Well, it gets worse, because Everest is also covered in dead bodies. This once pristine peak is steadily becoming the world's tallest frozen cemetery. Hundreds of people have died on Everest. For every 10 successful summits, there's one dead body. And since the temperatures are so frigid, they'll never decompose. There are so many frozen corpses on Everest, climbers actually use them to navigate.
Holy shit, is that a dead guy? Tight, that means we make a left.
Oh, back up more, so you can get that cloud that looks like a dick. Oh! He's okay. My trash broke his ball. This is appalling.
Not only are these narcissistic tourists ruining this sacred mountain, but they're getting people killed? Why hasn't the government of Nepal limited the amount of people who can climb? They can't afford to. Nepal is a very low-income nation, and Everest tourism is a major industry. Sorry, how many people are in your tour? 200. My girl wants a destination wedding at the summit, and then we're all going to paraglide down.
Ha! I am nothing like that guy. I'm afraid you are. I know it's your dream to climb this sacred mountain, but the impact that you and others have when you indulge in that dream is turning Everest into a poop-covered trash coffin. Oh, you're right. I'm no better than those monsters who picnic in national parks. People ruin everything! |
cracked | 5_ways_wallace_and_gromit_is_secretly_about_imperialism | Wallace and Gromit is the charming tale of an idly rich British man, living in the upstairs part of his country estate while the underclass downstairs does all the work for him, freeing that man to spend money on nonsense and obsess over his next meal. What's wrong with Wensleydale? I know, I know, describing Wallace and Gromit as if it's Downton Abbey or whatever is inaccurate in two tiny ways. Wallace and Gromit don't live in a country estate. They live in a house, a nice one, in a nice neighborhood, in the 10th most expensive nation to live in on earth. Also, it's unfair to say Wallace lives upstairs. He comes downstairs plenty of times, just like Lord Grantham does in Downton Abbey. You see, even though Wallace and Gromit is a clay cartoon about a cheese addict, it secretly modernizes a storytelling genre the British might call an upstairs downstairs drama and I will call a class struggle house party. Downton Abbey and its predecessors depict Britain's rich and poor coexisting in a mansion.
Wallace and Gromit does that too and its lower class is represented by Gromit, who is a beagle, the official dog breed of pointless British subservience. Beagles have existed for millennia, but the modern breed was developed by 19th century British aristocracy as a scent hound for beegling, a sport where beagles hunt and kill rabbits while an overdressed white guy watches. We miss that symbolism here in America because our cartoon beagles can rise above their station.
Snoopy gets a college education, plays baseball, and even joins the Air Force because he has talent, drive, and the blessings of American meritocracy. Gromit is just as brilliant as Snoopy. We see him read everything from the newspaper to electronics textbooks to Dostoyevsky. But just like how Britain's rigid class system forced the Downton-era's potential geniuses to scrub floors and groom horses, ongoing modern classism forces a dog capable of co-constructing spaceships to spend his time fetching slippers.
Thank you, old friend. And in the real world, the lower class struggles to speak up for itself in ways that could affect real change.
The show captures that by making Gromit literally voiceless. Sure, most dogs don't talk, but he can't even bark.
And since Wallace and Gromit is a British class struggle house party, our working class hero stays that way. Shows like Downton Abbey aren't about people changing their station. They are metaphors for Britain's unequal classes working together to save the nation. We love both classes of Downton's heroes because they want their estate and by extension England to survive. And they're up against disastrous threats from the Titanic sinking to World War I to women's rights to Irish people breeding. Wallace and Gromit's characters band together too, pursuing that same goal of saving Britain. They're just saving post-Imperial Britain.
Instead of a white British man like Wallace getting to own 25% of the world and an estate full of servants, Wallace owns British citizenship and a house full of his dog. Wallace's forerunners got to conquer a bunch of Africa so hard, they named 150,000 square miles of it Rhodesia after one British guy. By Wallace's time, the remaining frontier is space and all he can do with it is picnic because Wallace has to leave the moon. He's needed on the home front, his house, and by extension, his England, has a collapsing financial foundation. We shall have to economize Gromit. This forces Wallace to work menial jobs, breaking his back as a window washer, risking his life as a bread baker and slaving away in the agricultural sector in our terrifying era of GMOs.
And Wallace and Gromit is as wonderful as Downton Abbey because it celebrates people respecting each other as the glue that holds the world together. Every episode is a social parable where the upper class are so useless they can't even put on the right trousers. The lower class can't fix everything on their own. The upper and lower classes drift apart due to misunderstandings and deep-seated feelings of injustice, but then they recognize each other's value, team up, and save the day. Despite living in a world that's so topsy-turvy, penguins are renting property and stealing diamonds.
So chip, chip, cheerio, Britain. You no longer own India, Iraq, or Boston.
But you continue to own storytelling that recognizes the value of every human life, even if that life is canine and claymated. And Wallace and Gromit is so good, it's inspired me to make a little claymated show of my own. I've got all the gear over there, and I'm just gonna set up the first scene, like it's gonna be. Hey, you guys, thank you so much for watching this video. Please do all the YouTube things.
And let us know in the comments what you think of Wallace and Gromit and the world of Britain. We're gonna pick one lucky commenter who is gonna get flown to Britain probably at some point in the near future. I mean, one of you probably has those plans. |
cracked | why_everything_you_know_about_vikings_is_a_lie_hilarious_helmet_history | Culturally, Vikings are an entire culture of big hairy berserk guys with horned helmets who pillage medieval Europe 24-7. A nation of sea barbarians, which is ridiculous. Vikings were so much more than warriors. Vikings didn't wear horned helmets, and I'm air-quoting like this because Vikings isn't even the term for what you think they are. We'll explain. If you're most people, you think Viking means everybody who lived around here. In sword and sail times. Just all of them. But Viking is a job title. A Viking is a specific medieval Scandinavian person who sailed away from home to go raiding for adventure and profit. This guy is a Viking. The rest of his culture and civilization? Not Vikings. Calling all medieval Scandinavians Vikings is like calling all Americans Marines.
Or all Canadians hockey players? Or all Bostonians sad guys in Oscar movies?
There are centuries where there were lots of Vikings, around the 800s to the 1100s CE, give or take an amphibious robbery or two. So historians call that period the Viking Age. And historians call the Scandinavians who lived during the Viking Age, Scandinavians, an actual civilization and culture that generated settlers, traders, artists, inventors, and other non-combatants.
Kinda long-winded. But true. Scandinavians would also tell you that, relative to their era, medieval Scandinavians were big-time Democrats, feminists, and neat freaks. No, not really. Neat freaks. That's the thing.
Vikings were some of the cleanest people in world history. They would have zero interest in getting all messy and then having even one person see them look gross. Archaeologists digging up Viking gravesites find that almost everybody had combs and razors and tweezers, advanced grooming tools that they kept on their person. They'd comb and fix their hairdos constantly. Like a bunch of frosty Fonzies. And I will say this for the Avengers, Chris Hemsworth's blonde-blondy-blondness is accurate to Viking Age people. Because a lot of Norse fair-hairedness wasn't an accident. Or genetic. Those folks bleached their hair to preemptively kill off lice because it was too cold for medieval Norwegians to take a bath in some months.
And by some months, I mean throw a dart at a calendar. Norway.
Speaking of Norwegian heads, Viking horned helmets are a myth. In the 1800s, opera costume designer Karl Emil Doppler decided horned helmets were a fun choice for Viking characters. And he made that up so successfully, he made us all wrong about Viking history. He also made us all wrong about the rest of world history. Because many non-Viking cultures, from France to Persia to Japan, really did wear horned helmets in various time periods. But thanks to a few jerks in the 1800s, we put horned helmets on pop culture Vikings, from newspaper comics to the NFL to Looney Tunes. And when pop culture does manage to get Viking headgear right, like they do on History Channel's show Vikings, it still tends to screw up other stuff.
Big stuff. Like this.
Can't sail across an open ocean. I believe there's a way to go west. He means sail west to the British Isles, a place the show claims Vikings didn't know how to get to.
But Viking-era Scandinavians knew where England was. They ran it for 200 years. Also, they knew where pretty much everywhere was. Because as famous as Vikings are for raiding and pillaging across seas, they ought to be way more famous for trading across them. It's fun. Scandinavians tied the European economy together, with trade ships bouncing from England to the Mediterranean to Russia to Newfoundland and more. And yeah, I'm throwing in the fact that the Norse went to Newfoundland. The list of Viking-era accomplishments is so impressive, the time they went to America is just a line item.
Just another thing. I think they did before Columbus. Tuck on that, Christopher! Real name Christophoro! Better name Poopy Pants McGenicide! Think about it.
Any dumb Viking can swing an axe at a peasant. But Scandinavians made a trip from Norway to present-day Turkey in wooden boats, closed international trade deals, and even carved their names into the side of the Hagia Sophia without anybody's permission. A prank so mind-boggling, it's both definitely bad and maybe hilarious.
Either way, amazing trade network. And when Scandinavians weren't building trade networks, they were building nations. They created way more countries than they robbed.
And the heroes who made that possible were Norse women. There is a viking trope of Norse women being warriors. Shows like Vikings make a point of it.
And if you look into the historical accuracy of that shieldmaiden thing, it could be real. Or real but rare. Or a fake thing from poetry. But here's what definitely happened a lot.
Norse women being brave pioneers, crossing miles of ocean to break ground in a place like Greenland. Or Iceland. Or Ireland. Vikings founded multiple Irish cities. Including Dublin. They ran Dublin so well, it became Ireland's main city.
Also, I should say that in some cases, it's hard to tell whether Norse settlers came to new lands without murder. But either way, they didn't go there to rob and steal the silverware. They put down roots.
Scandinavians settled all along the Nipur River and Volga River in what they called Rus, a few generations of intermarriage and cultural exchange later. Other descendants founded the country of Russia. Other Scandinavians conquered most of England in the 800s, then spent a century or two fighting the locals and migrating there in huge waves. And by the year 1016, one Norse king ruled England, Denmark, Sweden, these islands up here, Norway, the North Sea, the Baltic Sea, had vassals in Wales and Scotland and lots of Ireland, had alliances with Normandy and Poland, and that's an empire folks!
You don't build that by robbing a couple villages. You build that by doing boring government stuff.
Printing money, collecting taxes, paving roads, and also making laws, which were often protective of women. Parts of Viking era Scandinavia granted women control of their own finances, granted women the right to get a divorce. Iceland even had a medieval anti-rape law, which said that anyone convicted of rape was fair game to get murdered. Speaking of democracy in action, Iceland was run by the All Thing, one of the world's earliest representative governments, which is something Viking Age Iceland came up with.
Because not everybody in Viking Age Iceland was busy murdering innocent foreigners. And sure, some of them were busy with that. Don't get me wrong, medieval Scandinavia was not perfect. But look at them in the context of Europe in the 800s to 1100s. It was a Europe where feudalist social inequality crushed generations of people, where basic democratic advances like the Magna Carta were a long way off, where Christians butchered other Christians for being Christian wrong, in between rounds of Christians and Muslims butchering each other. If any turn of the millennium European cultures qualify as savage, all of them do, just like everybody. So we ought to see the Vikings as one of many medieval societies, all fumbling their way toward sucking less. Not a weirdly brutal legion of both psychos ruining an otherwise pleasant time period.
And in conclusion, if you take nothing else away from this, remember me saying the following Let's get crazy horny. Vikings out of pop culture. That was a teleprompter hiccup. You will misunderstand that unless we do it again. Let's take it again. That's a wrap.
Nope. What? Help.
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TheOnion | America_s_Waitresses_Are_They_Hitting_On_You | This is the Onion News Network telling you what we want you to know Every day millions of Americans eat out at restaurants where seemingly nice waitresses charm and enchant them with their warm smiles and playful small talk But are these waitresses truly nice or are they using their feminine wiles to manipulate you the customer into leaving larger tips We decided to put one subject to the test Lindsay Kolb Lindsay happens to work at the cafe I frequent often she always appears to be exceedingly attentive to me and consistently remembers the way I take my coffee But does that mean she thinks our relationship is special or is this how she treats every customer who sits at one of her tables?
The special investigative undercover response team decided to find out our surveillance team installed dozens of hidden cameras Inside the restaurant to gather as much data as possible When I entered the restaurant Lindsay seemed eager to see me But when I took a quick reading of her body temperature using the seared heat meter It was not elevated like mine was our body language analyst informed me later that the way Lindsay Casually clasped her hands in front of her was indicative of sexual interest However, just 11 minutes after taking my order Lindsay reproduced the same posture for this person as well as this brutish-looking Truck driver who managed to stall her at his table for a full 22 seconds longer than me Confusing yes, very very confusing We finally decided to deploy two undercover operatives to infiltrate the staff and procure concrete data on the matter Clearly she was stonewalling us so we decided to follow Lindsay to her home After rendering Lindsay unconscious with a powerful sleeping gas We pumped him through the heating vents our seer team found no clear evidence that she had a husband or boyfriend We'll keep an eye on Lindsay and her type until we find out why she won't return phone calls when she's not seeing Anyone for the special investigative undercover response team.
I'm Gavin Fisher |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_254_Jennifer_Robinson | When's autumn start? Or has winter started? No, autumn has started. Or as we say in Queensland, fall. Yeah, because that's actually, you know, the start of the putty season where everyone's fallen down drunk.
And you know, we've actually had a good run on the Batooter Advocate radio show, podcast, whatever you want to call it, the last few weeks. Last week we actually had Oscar from Young Henry's Brewery explaining to us how they're going carbon neutral using algae. And of course, the algae then can be relayed and used again for cattle to eat as a feed, particularly when they're in drought or at any point in intensive farming. And the algae, they don't burp out methane. So it actually in turn becomes a methane credit.
Very interesting conversation. I found myself more interested in it than I thought I'd be. And to think people look back on the 1990s as the golden age of this country.
I say it's right now. Now we've got cattle eating algae. And it's a bipartisan support for this project. But today's guest is one we're very excited to have.
She's very busy and we wouldn't be able to lock her down if she wasn't in Australia at this very moment. You may have seen her on the news, you may have read about her. You've probably seen photographs of her if you are following any of the stories we're about to talk about today.
Today's guest represents Julian Assange. The official legal representation of Julian Assange is her job. She also represents West Papua and their provisional government against the oppression of the Indonesians in international courts right around the world. She also represented Amber Heard against Johnny Depp. And this is just a small number of the many big jobs and cases and causes she's fighting day in day out around the world at any given time. She's representing Vanuatu in the face of climate change and dispossession.
There's so much we can talk about today and whoever else has this studio booked after us, I apologise because we might run out of time. Today we are speaking to the pride of Bomedary High, Jennifer Robinson. Thank you for joining us. Great to be here.
Now I need to ask first question, Jennifer, are you still being underestimated? Well look, I enjoy being underestimated.
It's always right. It's always great to prove people wrong. But no, I think, you know, the older you get in the law, the more you're taken seriously. It's an important trait to have in law is to prove people wrong.
So it looks like you did find your calling. We've heard your story. I would argue, and I don't want to start off this podcast with extreme flattery, but I would argue you may be our greatest legal export from Australia. And it's a crowded field, I know, but we're going to talk about it today.
The range of different things you've worked on in your short career is mind blowing. Right now you're in Australia with a book you've just published. You managed to write a book on the side of bouncing in and out of international courtrooms. Can you tell us a little bit about that and how you managed to write this so quickly? Because it's very, as I was reading it, very current events in this book and it almost relates to the current news cycle, which I just found that mind blowing. Usually when someone writes a book about something that's happened in the world, it's, you know, looking back maybe with rose coloured glasses, it's almost like I'm reading a long form essay that's just come out on a news website.
Well the book's called How Many More Women Exposing How the Law Silences Women and I co-authored it with my colleague Dr Kenny Yoshida. The book is about all the ways in which the law silences women. So what we were seeing in our legal practices, I do media defence work, defending journalists and newspapers, but I also increasingly in the post me too world was advising domestic violence frontline services, rape crisis centres, the women's equality party who was campaigning in the United Kingdom against sexual harassment in parliament. The defamation risk in particular, but also all the other ways in which the law was censoring and silencing women activists, as well as journalists from reporting on stories about gender based violence. It was really shocking to me, but because we work in the law and we see it, a lot of it doesn't reach the public domain. So we were frustrated by what we were seeing and we decided, you know, as women were breaking the cultural silence about speaking about their experiences, we saw this legal backlash and it made more visible all these legal tools that are available to silence women. And so we wanted to write about it because there's only so many women we can advise coming into our chambers, but we wanted to start a public conversation about it.
But it was tricky to write, not just because it was current events. And so we were following active cases all over the world. So what we try to show in the book is this is not just happening in Australia and we all know it's happening in Australia or the United Kingdom where I practice or the United States. It's happening everywhere across jurisdictions, geographies and cultures.
But it was tricky to write because by their very nature, the cases we're talking about involve very litigious, wealthy and powerful men. So the legal risk was huge. Now we're media defense lawyers who were, you know, writing a book. We understand the risks, but it was tricky to write, but it was tricky to write because cases kept developing. And in the end, we didn't really intend to write so much about the Depp case, but the Depp case in the United States was decided as we were finishing the book. And I had to rewrite a whole chapter because Amber Heard's case and Johnny Depp's case against the sun was just one example in a defamation chapter. But because of what happened in that case, you know, we felt we had to write more. So we were writing right down to the publication date.
There was something I learn about the Depp Amber Heard case from you was the very fact that this had almost been settled in England. Well, it had been settled. You'd represented Amber Heard in England against the sun.
So basically, Johnny had sued the sun for defamation for an article that was written in which it claimed he was a wife beater. Now that allegation was made on the basis that Amber had got a restraining order from a judge in California when she divorced him, a domestic violence restraining order. Now he sued for defamation. I worked with Amber and the newspaper to prepare all the evidence to defend that on a defense of truth.
And a judge in the United Kingdom determined that it was true that he was violent towards her on 12 separate occasions. So she is a recognized survivor of domestic and sexual violence, according to the judgment in the United Kingdom. But then he sued her personally in the United States for $50 million.
And it went before a jury in Virginia televised live online to create one of the most horrendous spectacles of misogyny and tropes about domestic violence that I've seen in our public discussion in a very long time. And unfortunately, before a jury, the male centric myths that were perpetrated by his legal team in defense trying to put the case forward worked. It didn't work in front of a judge in the UK, but it worked in front of a jury. And that's one of the recommendations we make in the book that we have we have warnings for juries in criminal trials about domestic and sexual violence, warning juries not to listen to the old tropes about sexual violence or the memes, the memes that were coming out. Honestly, I had people calling me during that I was getting I mean, Amber received horrific online trolling, death and rape threats.
I got the same as her lawyer, even though I didn't represent her in the United Kingdom in the United States. So I represented her in the UK.
But I had friends calling me saying, oh, my kid's on TikTok and he's coming out saying that women are liars, women are gold diggers, all these things that we should be educating our children against because of the death trial. And so the silencing effect that that has. And this is the point that I make to people a lot.
One in three women in this country and around the world have suffered sexual violence. So we all know women who have suffered this. We all know women. How many of those women are going to come to you or report their abuse if they've heard you vilify, ridicule, speak as horribly as people did about Amber coming forward? And I know anecdotally from colleagues who are working in cases with domestic violence victims around the world, I get contacted all the time saying women are being threatened, saying don't be an Amber, no one's going to believe you. And women who are scared to take forward their cases because of what they saw happen to Amber.
And so the chilling effect of that case is global in effect and really problematic. And we've got a lot of work to do to work against it. Sounds like a very hard book to write, as you said, like ongoing cases and the case was changing as you were writing it.
There was one thing, though, that I saw that I found remarkable in your book, which wasn't necessarily a current thing. We're talking like the last 10 years. But when the Me Too movement first kicked off, when it all happened, Harvey Weinstein, all these things were happening. A lot of people's minds were blown about, you know, the scale and the, you know, the occurrence, particularly men, obviously had no idea. But there's almost like two graphs going, one's going up, one's going down. You've never heard this many claims and you've never seen so few people actually followed up on it. One thing you had articulated was that the lawyers evolved and the defenses evolved in the wake of Me Too. So less people started getting actually charged for harassment or whatever because, you know, the game changed. And one thing I did see, you know, we get into the point of NDA's non-disclosure agreements where victims can't even tell their therapists about what's happened to them. Were you seeing this happening in real time or was it something you just, you know, I'd love to hear your take on all that. Well, I actually met with Zelda Perkins very early.
She was the whistleblower who blew the whistle on Weinstein's NDA. So she spoke out in breach of the NDA that she had signed about what had happened to her and to her colleague Rowena Chu around the Me Too time when it was all breaking. And she took a huge legal risk. She could have been sued for breach of confidence, the newspaper, the Financial Times could have been sued. But thanks to her speaking out in risk of being sued, we started to understand so much more about non-disclosure agreements. And I had seen it in my practice, cases I can't talk about because, you know, we advise clients will come to us and seek advice about the terms of their NDA wanting to speak out. But actually the cost risk for women challenging NDA's once they've signed them is huge. And you need only look in the United Kingdom, for example, and this is all public now, but a bunch of employees of Philip Green had signed NDA's and the Daily Telegraph wanted to report their stories, including sexual harassment and racist comments. And he sued for breach of confidence, the newspaper, and it cost hundreds of thousands of pounds for the newspaper to challenge that.
And in the end, you know, it was broken by parliamentary privilege, but that was just at the preliminary stage. What individual woman can afford those kinds of legal fees to release themselves from an NDA? And what we see time and time again is that when you've suffered sexual harassment or you've been bullied at work and you're sort of, a settlement is given and you're sort of pushed out the door, you're traumatized by what's happened. You just want to get on with your life and you sign this NDA. And sometimes it takes women a little bit of time after they've left that situation to start to feel like, actually, I feel like I need to talk about this because I want to protect other people from this happening again, but it's too late. And so it's so frustrating that the amount of women I've spoken to who want to challenge their NDA's but can't afford to do it. And you know, and I understand some women want an NDA, they don't want to speak publicly about it. They don't want people to know what happened to them and that should be their choice too. But the problem is, you know, once these are signed, women are in these, what we describe in the book is silos of silence. So in the courts, it's a chicken and egg problem because the judges in the courts, if you go to go to the court to challenge an NDA, they'll say, well, the right to uphold a contract outweighs her right to free speech.
She signed a contract, she was paid for it, so we're going to protect his right to have an enforceable contract. But they do say, well, if he's a repeat offender, then the public interest might tip in favor of allowing her to speak. But how do you know if every woman who's been abused by him has signed an NDA? How do you possibly know?
Or someone's got to take the risk or a bunch of them have got to take legal risk to come forward. So it's really tricky. So the only pathway really at the moment to be released from these is essentially finding a pro bono lawyer to take you on. Not even a pro bono lawyer because the adverse cost risk of what you would have to pay him if you lost is so huge. So that's the problem. Even if you find a pro bono lawyer, like someone like me who does way too much pro bono work, it doesn't protect you from the adverse cost risk. And so if you sign an NDA and you choose to break it, he can sue you, get an injunction to stop you from saying it and you've got to fight it in the court. So you need the legal means to be able to do that. And if you speak out and it's already out in the public before he can get an injunction, he can sue you for damages and take back whatever, depending on the terms of the contract, potentially take back whatever you were paid in compensation for the sexual harassment you suffered. It's appalling.
So they can take back the settlement. Yeah. Under certain contracts, claw back provisions they're called.
But what would happen if you didn't have it? Could you just declare bankruptcy? Like is there a point where it becomes criminal and you can go to jail and stuff like that? Look, it depends on the individual circumstance of the case. Of course you could declare bankruptcy, but at the same time it's not necessarily going to help you to be able to speak. And declaring bankruptcy has all kinds of ramifications depending on what your profession is. So, you know, it's not, it's just, I just urge anyone who has a nondisclosure agreement put before them in any kind of contract to take legal advice because once you sign it, it's very difficult to get out of it.
Yeah. Now, how many more women is in households right around the country and around the world right now and it's doing its job, like you just said, just that piece of advice you said then seek legal counsel before signing an NDA, but there's a lot of things in there that kind of were sitting in front of us or hiding in plain sight about the way we live and about the way people in positions of power operate. It's definitely a legacy you're leaving with this line of conversation and interrogation of, as you said, me too, or just gender based violence, but it's a small percentage of your highly decorated career. And I want to talk about that now and how you got to where you are, where you're writing books like this.
Bombardier High, one of 40 cousins. Yep, on one side of the family. Good South Coast stock. Good Catholic family.
Yeah, I was assuming as much. How did you get to where you are? I mean, it is a short career, like I said, but you've gone all around the world and worked on a whole number of different causes and cases. What happened? Was Bombardier High School, you had law on your mind? It wasn't really.
I actually was studying Indonesian at high school and I loved my language studies at Bombardier High and I wouldn't be where I am today without public education, which is why I'm such a huge advocate for protecting, investing in and supporting public education in this country. So I had the benefit of learning Indonesian and I went off to Indonesia as part of a school trip, which was well outside my parents' financial means, but we saved up to allow me to be able to go. And it completely changed my perspective on the world and on life and created or sort of sparked this curiosity for the world that then when I was, you know, I got my marks back in the HSC and I did well, I wanted to go and do Asian studies at the ANU. My mum was like, please do a vocational degree. But I'd become interested, so law was the choice, but I'd become interested in East Timor because I was studying, learning Indonesian at high school, this was, I finished high school in 98 and so this was the year that Australia led the peacekeeping force into East Timor. It was in the news. Exactly. And so I was learning about East Timor in my language studies and following the news about Australia putting an end to Indonesian war crimes. And so I had this very naive snapshot of Australian foreign policy. So I actually went to uni thinking I'd like to become a diplomat and represent Australia.
Because we're the good guys. Because we're the good guys, right?
Forgetting that since 1975, we totally ignored Indonesia's unlawful occupation and participated in it by stealing their oil. So anyway, in World War II we evacuated and didn't think they would need any help against the might of the Imperial Japanese Army.
Precisely. So anyway, soon after going to law school, I realised that Australian foreign policy in general was not reflected by what we did in 1998 for East Timor. And so it was during my time at the ANU and my year living in Indonesia as part of my Asian studies degree that I went out to West Papua and that's really what sparked. I was always interested in human rights because of what I was reading about East Timor and I wanted to do something to help and I thought diplomacy was the way to do that. And then I realised actually it was being a lawyer. Yeah.
I can only just imagine a young kid, South Coast family probably wouldn't have left town. Probably wouldn't have gone to... I don't have passports in my family, no. And you know, a trip to Sydney is seeing the world.
You end up in Indonesia, which I can only imagine you loved, you know, got to see another country completely different and not too far away from home and you got to see all of these cultural traits and interesting things that come with Indonesia. And it's a language that you're able to pick up quite quickly. Yes, I speak fluent Indonesian from my time at the ANU and Bombardier High. And then you, at the same time, you're learning about Indonesia's war crimes. I mean, that must have been an interesting, just that juxtaposition between what you saw and what you learnt.
And I'm guessing what you, I mean, I know what it's like on your first trip. You're like, I'm going to move here. Yeah. Well, that was exactly what I wanted to do and part of why I went to the ANU to do Asian studies so I could go and live there for a year. It gave me the ability to do that.
But I love Indonesia and I love the people. And so I have a very conflicted view of Indonesia. I think it is a remarkable, diverse place. The people are very welcoming. So in many ways, when I was at university, I was kind of held up as an ambassador for Australia-Indonesia cross-cultural studies. But then what I saw on the ground in West Papua and my work on that issue ever since, it's a shame, but I can't go back to Indonesia really because of that work. And so I have a very mixed view. So while I'm a huge advocate for Australians, better understanding our biggest neighbour and how important that is and that we should learn Indonesian at schools.
And I'm glad that I did. And I'm a product of, you know, Keating and... Yeah, it was Keating's big Australia push, right? Exactly. And so I'm grateful to Paul Keating for that. I speak Indonesian because of that, which has been a huge benefit to me, not just in opening my mind to the world, but also in my work. Yeah.
Can you please educate us, maybe in North Queensland, certain parts of Brisbane, you'll see a Free West Papua sign. You'll see that. And a lot of people in their mind would think these hippies, Free Tibet, Free West Papua, like they'd think it's just another...
We did see a lot of it too in Belfast. Oh yeah, in Belfast.
They're obviously... I know. There's not a cause, they won't jump on. It does come across as a bumper sticker, right? And it is, you see them around. What did you see on the ground and what is still happening on the ground?
So I went out there as a 21 year old student, law student. And I went there because I was due to go and work in East Timor. And this was 2002 and my academic supervisor said, no, this is your year in Indonesia studies, so you've got to stay within Indonesia. Why don't you go to West Papua? And I remember thinking, why do I not know about this? I'd studied three years at the ANU, the best academic institution in this country and arguably the world to study Asia Pacific studies. I had studied every kind of contemporary politics subject. I was learning high level Indonesian. How had I not learnt anything about what was happening in West Papua? And that sparked my interest. And so I started hanging out with West Papuan students on my campus in Jogjakarta in central Java.
And they were starting to tell me a little bit more about it. But at that time, there was very little information available on the Internet. There was very little written about it.
Journalists were banned from going there. And so I went out to volunteer with this little human rights NGO that was documenting Indonesian war crimes and human rights abuse.
So West Papua was a Dutch colony that was administered separately from Indonesia. On the same effective island as Papua New Guinea. Yes. So it's the western half of the island of New Guinea. The eastern side was colonised by the Germans, taken over by the British. Then Australia administered it, brought them to independence in the 70s. So that's what is today Papua New Guinea. On the other side of the island is West Papua. West Papua was a Dutch colony, which was administered separately from the rest of the Dutch East Indies.
Really? Yes.
West New Guinea. When Indonesia got its independence, the Dutch kept West Papua and put West Papua on the non self-governing territories list like Papua New Guinea was, like many other colonies around the world were. And they were intent on bringing them to independence. So the West Papawans had a flag. They had a national parliament. Australian diplomats even went to the inauguration of the West New Guinea parliament in 1961. But then Indonesia went into conflict with the Dutch and said, we want the territory, we say it's ours, and invaded. And basically, because of Cold War politics at the time, America stepped in and said, Australia was going to go to war with the Netherlands to protect this non self-governing territory, West New Guinea. Where there are fuzzy was the angels who helped us in the Second World War, let it be said. And Australia took a step back and followed the US line.
And there was an agreement called the New York Agreement that was put in place in 1962. And under that agreement, West Papua was supposed, it was the first ever UN administered territory. So the UN came in to administer the territory. Like his team all had been many years later.
So they were supposed to get this referendum based on universal suffrage, a democratic referendum on whether to be independent or to remain as part of Indonesia. And the Dutch were backing this. The Dutch wanted them to be independent. They knew they wanted to be independent. And so that was that was what they got into the agreement brokered by the US. So Indonesia took over the territory, but was supposed to give them this vote.
There was never a vote. They basically rounded up a 1022 leaders and forced them to vote in front of guns.
So they're unlawfully occupied and have been since since the 60s. And since then, you see like mass human rights abuse, torture, rape, killings, internal displacement. There are so many West Papuan refugees in camps over the border in Papua New Guinea, who have historically been stateless and not probably looked after. It's a crisis.
And, you know, they have the right to self-determination under international law. They should be their own country.
And when I went out to West Papua as a student, I was working on the trial of a political prisoner who was the leader of the West Papuan independence movement, Benny Wenda. And I saw firsthand, I was at his trial, I saw firsthand how due process was abused and how the politics of the case was so much bigger than whatever was happening in court. And so I saw firsthand I was interviewing rape victims, torture victims, and saw what was happening.
And it was shocking to me. It was shocking to me that it was happening right here on Australia's doorstep. It was shocking to me.
Less than 100 Ks from North Queensland.
Exactly. Yeah.
It's shocking to me that nobody knew about it, shocking that I didn't know about it and I that it wasn't being reported and still it's underreported. So it's really difficult for journalists to get in there.
But I've been working on it ever since. And Benny later escaped from prison after I left, not long after I left the country, and I helped him and his family go to the UK where they campaign. He's since been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Really? Yeah. Two times, isn't it? I just want to talk a little bit more about this.
In terms of what is life like on the ground in West Papua, and I'd like to also know about Indonesia as a concept. I mean, the Dutch and the Germans, you know, had their fun colonising that part of the world and then they leave and they had the generosity to say, we'd like you to be independent after we leave. Indonesia, was it in any point a puppet government? Was it any point installed by colonists or was Indonesia in itself actually an independence movement? Well, Indonesia did have its own independence movement, but Indonesia is a construct. I mean, Indonesia is a construct of colonialism. So it is the Dutch East Indies. It is a bunch of islands that were put together because of colonisation. And so, you know, Benedict Anderson talks about the imagination. So it's, you know, Indonesia, when they got their independence, adopted Malay as its national language because there was no national language. There was no language that unified all of these diverse islands, cultures and peoples who were brought together under the Dutch East Indies.
But West Papua was always different and is different, ethnically, linguistically, even in terms of religion. What was shocking to me, actually, and what was quite confronting to me as a young Australian going there, was how I saw the the racism of Indonesians towards West Papuans and how similar the stereotypes were that I heard them speak, the way they spoke about West Papuans, very much what I'd heard in Australia when you hear white Australians speak about First Nations people. Right next to the Aboriginal stereotypes.
Exactly. It was shocking to me. So colonisation and the stereotypes, the pejorative stereotypes about indigenous peoples who are colonised, the similarities between them across cultures is interesting to me. Universal. I mean, you hear the Native Americans get the same treatment. Exactly.
So it is a form, it's ongoing colonisation in our region. And I believe we have a moral obligation. Well, we have an obligation under international law. Since then, I've been working with Benny to develop the international case for West Papua's self-determination. And the case is clear. I appeared in the International Court of Justice for Vanuatu and the Chagos Islands proceedings. And the judgment in that case makes clear the position, the legal principle set down in that case makes clear the position that West Papua is unlawfully occupied. And under international law, Australia has an obligation to assist West Papua to achieve their self-determination.
Well, it's interesting that you say that like how this big archipelago was put together a former country, but then you've got the first two presidents, they were ultra-nationalists. Ultra-nationalists. But like, how can you be an ultra-nationalist of like thousands of different cultural groups? Well, Indonesia's national sort of slogan, or I don't know what the correct phrase is for it, but it's on their coat of arms is Bineka Tungal Ika. And what that means is unity and diversity.
And so, I mean, it makes you feel warm and fuzzy. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy.
But in real terms, for West Papuans, for people in Aceh, for the East Timorese, there wasn't much unity in that diversity. There was oppression in that.
And what is the interest? What is the interest in keeping, you know, I look at something like Northern Ireland, and you can see they want to keep that there because they want to look strong. The UK want to keep Northern Ireland, even if it is costing them a bomb.
Right. Is there gold? Is there oil in West Papua? Absolutely.
So West Papua has the largest tract of rainforest outside of Brazil and the Congo. It also has the largest gold and copper mine in the world. And the contract for that gold and copper mine, you will not be surprised, was signed between the US and Indonesia two years before West Papuans were given the vote for independence. So we all know what the Americans thought that outcome was going to look like. And it's the natural resources in West Papua fuels Indonesia's economy. So there is a huge economic interest in maintaining that territory and the unlawful occupation of that territory. And nationalists, the Sukarno Suharto nationalists, would defend a phrase about Indonesia is that it is part, West Papua is part of, that's part of their imagined story of Indonesia, which is just not true.
You look at the history of it, it's just not true.
So what I'm seeing now in your career, you know, we opened with how many more women, but at this point, you're very much involved in your story that we've covered so far, which might be a three, four, five, six parter. Um, you're very much involved in Asian law or Asian relations or Asian studies. Very much. Just because, you know, this is our region. And then I'm, so for me, I was very interested in the Asia Pacific and I've actually come back to it in my career in this sort of this, this part of my career. But I was very interested in Indonesia and the region and human rights in the region. So that's really where I started because that was as a 21 year old living out there. Yeah.
So how do you get from our region, which is still very much your cause, you know, what's happening in our region, but just, just north of Queensland. How do you get from there to London? How do you get from there to representing Mr. Worldwide, Julian Assange, who's, I mean, he's a North Queensland boy, technically he's in our region too.
Yeah, born in Townsville. Yeah, but he's, you know, he, he represents very much a Northern hemisphere kind of story in terms of his public profile as WikiLeaks. That was very much not strictly centered around the Indonesian, Asian Pacific region. No, I mean, Julian's story is very much a global story. Very, very global.
But so I, after my year in Indonesia, I had, I had to have a year off because I was so traumatized by what I'd seen. And I went to the UK and helped Benny Wender and his family settle in over there, get their refugee status. And then I traveled around for a bit to think about what I really wanted to do because I was so disillusioned by what I'd seen.
And then I came back to the ANU and I decided I wanted to be a human rights lawyer. And it's funny once you figure out what your passion is and what your purpose is for your law degree, it makes the law degree so much easier. So, okay, for all the law students out there who are battling through their degrees, I hear, I feel you. My first three years of uni were the same. But I came back and I was like, right, I want to do, I want to do international human rights law. I want to do this.
And I ended up winning a Rhodes scholarship to go to Oxford. So I went off to Oxford after my degree. And Benny and Maria, the West Fafon family were living in Oxford. So I did my master's there and started working with Jeffrey Robertson, now Casey, not QC, who I had read about in books and was sort of a bit of a hero to me who was a lawyer that I could see who was out there doing the kinds of work that I wanted to do.
You would have been too young to see him on TV, but he was also like a late night TV show host in Australia. Yeah, the hypotheticals. I know I never watched it as a kid, but everybody raves about the show and it was brilliant. They should bring it back.
But yeah, so I started working with Jeffrey and through working with Jeffrey throughout my academic studies, I ended up starting, I practiced law in London. I started out as a solicitor in England and I was representing the New York Times and CNN and big media organizations in defending defamation cases and all kinds of media law.
And then WikiLeaks came along. So I remember, I remember Jeffrey Robertson rang me one day and this was, this was long before we met Julian. And he said, what do you know about this bloke Julian Assange? And I said, well, he's Australian. That's I know that much about him. And Jeffrey said to me, you know, he's publishing this material.
So they published by that stage, they published collateral murder, the video showing Americans killing civilians and journalists. Yeah, the Reuters journalists. They just released the Afghan war material.
And Jeff was like, we should represent him. He's, you know, the US are going to go for him. And how do we contact him? And I was like, I'm pretty sure Julian Assange doesn't have a mobile phone. Anyway, Jeff wrote an op-ed about why, why it was important that we defend Julian and that Australia defends Julian because he's exercising his right to free speech and Julian contacted him out of the blue.
Because he reads everything that's ever gone out on the internet. He does. Well, he did before I went to prison.
Yeah. And was cut off from the internet. So yeah, so that's how it came about.
Where was he based at this point? Julian was not based anywhere at this point. He was basically he'd been warned that he was going to be tracked down by the American government. And he was very much living under the radar.
But I met him first in London in September 2010 and became his lawyer soon after that with Jeffrey. And I walked him into the police station in December 2010. And ever since then, he's been under some form of restriction on his liberty. So in high security prison, under house arrest, in the Ecuadorian embassy, and now in Belmarsh prison.
How did the Ecuadorian embassy come about? We all knew the story, but no one really knew how it came about. It was just by the time he became a household name, like a universal household name, he was living inside the Ecuadorian embassy. And no one really asked why.
Well, I would argue he became a household name in 2010 through the WikiLeaks publications because those publications touched every country in the world. And it was the first time we saw a media organization. And WikiLeaks is a media organization, not traditional, but a new media organization, not mainstream. Basically, through the publication of that material, for which WikiLeaks won the most outstanding contribution to journalism award from the Walkleys in 2011. The publications that year was Collateral Murder, which we mentioned, the Afghan war logs, the Iraq war logs, and the US diplomatic cables. And it's the first time we've seen a global collaboration on a big data release. We now see it all the time, Panama Papers, with ICIJ, but WikiLeaks pioneered that. And so the reporting on the US diplomatic cables in particular happened in every single country around the world.
And what's interesting to me when I travel to go to different countries, so if I'm in India or Pakistan or Mexico, Julian Assange is a hero. And I am considered a hero for representing him. Australians ought to understand that Julian is globally renowned for what he did and for what he's now in prison for. And so I think that's really important to remember. But the Ecuadorian Embassy came about because at the end of 2010, when I started representing Julian, the US government under Obama started a grand jury investigation into the WikiLeaks releases.
So Chelsea Manning was being put on trial. In the course of those proceedings, she admitted having released the information to WikiLeaks and has since had her sentence commuted by Obama. So she's out of prison. And yet the Australian publisher who received the information and published it is, you know, facing 175 years in prison.
But at that time, so when he went into the Ecuadorian Embassy, he was sought for extradition to go to Sweden. We were concerned that there was a sealed indictment from the United States and that the moment he would be taken into custody, he would be at risk of being sent to the United States. So he sought asylum inside the Ecuadorian Embassy. He was there for seven and a half years. And the day he was kicked out of the embassy and arrested by British police, he was served with the US expedition request, which is the very thing we'd been warning about for, you know, 10 years.
I want to talk about the assassination attempts. Yeah. This is when it for me, I realized that this was this is where we were at to the point where was it the CIA? The CIA were trying to find a way to have him snuffed. What did you learn and how did that come to be? So we obviously being Julian's lawyer, it is we have been taking security measures for a very long time.
WikiLeaks actually pioneered the use of encryption in journalism. Journalists were not using encryption to protect themselves or their sources before WikiLeaks.
So Julian is also to be thanked for that. But we were taking those measures and we were very aware of the risk of unlawful surveillance and other forms of, you know, intelligence activity around the work that we were doing. So we were we were always concerned it was happening, but you don't ever really know. You can't really know. And it wasn't until there was a whistle after Julian was arrested, a whistleblower came forward from within the embassy, the Ecuadorian embassy. And there's evidence of this in the expedition proceedings. I'm not saying anything that's not already public, but just people tend not to know about it, which is a shame. So thank you for asking.
Basically came out saying that the security company that was employed by the Ecuadorians to protect Julian was gathering information about him and asked his lawyers and giving it to the CIA. Now, soon after he was arrested, we also learned through a Yahoo news investigation and from 30 different government sources confirming the story that the CIA had been plotting to kidnap or kill Julian in the United Kingdom. So we have an award winning Australian journalist and publisher facing extradition to the United States with their intelligence services plotting to kidnap and kill him in the United Kingdom. When this story came out, it was everything that we suspected might have been happening and worse.
And I remember thinking, surely this is it. This is the story that makes the Australian government stand up and say enough. This has to be put to an end.
This is the kind of stuff that if Russia was doing it to an American journalist, people would be up in arms. I mean, we're talking embassies. We're talking going into embassies. And that's literally the Khashoggi story.
There were discussions of leaving the door of Julian being poisoned in the embassy. There were discussions about leaving the door open accidentally to allow someone to come in and kill him.
I mean, this is what we've since learned. And you cannot make this up.
It's like I have been living in a spy novel for the past decade. Yeah, that's when it clicked for me. I was like, this is a spy novel.
I mean, and what would they do? They just think that they just do it in a way that no one was really to blame for it. Or would America even claim it?
Who knows?
But what's interesting is when the story was published, Mike Pompeo, who was then the head of the CIA, didn't deny it and said that those who had spoken to the media should be prosecuted under the Espionage Act. So pretty much confirming that what they said was true and classified information. Yeah.
So what are the legal instruments that the Australian government has to protect Julian at the moment? The Australian government could be exercising diplomatic protection over this Australian citizen.
I feel like a broken record. I have been saying since 2010, two things.
One, the Australian government needs to stand up for this Australian citizen. And two, this precedent that's being pursued against an Australian citizen and an Australian publisher is going to be used against the rest of the media. So the media needs to stand up for Julian because this will be used against them. And instead of doing that in the early days of the case, you saw the media othering Julian and putting him over here and making out that he's somehow different.
But of course, once the indictment came through, everybody, The Washington Post, The New York Times suddenly realized that actually this is criminalizing journalistic activity and the same kinds of activity that they engage in all day, every day. And because we had a president, President Trump, who called the media the enemy of the people, they suddenly realize that this is a precedent. Whatever political protection they thought they might have had was gone under President Trump. So happily, I can say now that most mainstream media organizations and free speech groups are with us and say that this indictment should be shut down because they see their own self-interest. This will be used against others.
And finally, we have an Australian government. So after, you know, a decade of successive governments doing nothing in difference. And frankly, the Australian governments, those governments failure to take action in Julian's case, allowed the U.S. to do what they're doing. If Australia had raised concern earlier, we would not have seen this indictment, in my view. But we finally have a prime minister and a government that has said enough is enough and want to see the case resolved. So I'm very much hoping that we will see a resolution and soon.
What's, I mean, there's a lot of smearing, obviously. I mean, aside from the CIA trying to kill him, which is one way of silencing him. There's also the smearing from the earliest stages of Julian Assange is painted as this sickly pale internet sleuth. Yeah. Yeah, there's a whole lot of allegations against him. There was a whole lot of talk a lot about the cult upbringing. Yeah.
What's he like as a person? Look, Julian is if he was sitting here with us, he's got a great dark sense of humor. He's incredibly smart. He's one of my favorite people to debate with.
He's he's an Aussie. He is Aussie.
And he's you know, he takes the piss. He's he's great. But obviously, he's not all the things that you read in the media. He can be very difficult. There's no denying that. He's been diagnosed with Asperger's. That's out in the proceedings and is part of our concern about the nature of the detention he'll face. But he's, he's great. He's good. He's good fun. And he's brave. He's so brave. And he's a great thinker. Look at what he's achieved with WikiLeaks.
It's changed the shape of journalism. It's changed the way we talk about journalism.
We didn't even talk about the right to know before WikiLeaks.
Yeah. And this is all because of him. And he's an Aussie who, you know, started this little organization in Melbourne. So it's kind of it's wild, actually, like, when I think about it, and I look back and I've said this before, it was really interesting to me watching what happened in 2010 with these publications and the aftermath was that a small group of people led by this Australian shook an imperial power to their core. Yeah. And I think that's pretty. Yeah. Pretty incredible. Certainly punch above our weight when it comes to that kind of stuff, Australians.
I mean, we've got you, Jen. We've also got Julian Assange. We've got Rupert Murdoch.
I mean, those two people basically decided the 2016 election or could have if they wanted to, you know what I mean? For someone like you, I imagine you meet heads of state. What is the exchange like when you're looking at someone who very much looks and feels like a real person and you say, hey, what's happening to Julian Assange doesn't feel very democratic or humane. How do they respond to you in that moment? Well, it depends on the leader. Yeah.
So there are many leaders around the world that support Julian Assange. So President Lula of Brazil has spoken out publicly, has said that he's raised it with Biden. The president of Mexico, Umlo, has raised it. In fact, other governments have done more than many of the Australian governments have done until Prime Minister Albanese.
So, you know, I think. I think there's a huge amount of support for Julian globally, both from global leaders, particularly in Latin America, from countries who benefited from the information that was released. So for many countries who have suffered because of U.S. imperialism and have a very recent memory of the role of the United States. There's not many left that haven't. Right. So there are a lot of people who are very sympathetic to Julian and are grateful to him for showing the world what U.S. diplomacy and what U.S. power does. And so those countries are very much when I say like, you know, I think in Australia and the U.K. and the U.S., Julian has been, like you say, very much vilified. But when you go to different countries around the world who have very recent history, lived experience of U.S. imperialism, he is he is considered a hero.
I mean, we've tackled three, I guess, three pillars of your amazing career. Jen, tell us what it's like when you go home, when you've got these these stories, you got to keep it a bit under wraps.
You know, when you're down there, mom and daddy. Down in Berry. So I grew up in Berry and I still go home to my dad's horse farm down there.
And no, I mean, dad will always say, how's Julian going? But I don't always tell my family everything about what's going on when I can't. A lot of it's privilege, but I don't like to worry them too much. And I think if I talk too much about, oh, dad, guess what?
The CIA is plotting to kidnap and kill my client.
It does. It is cause for worry. He's like, what's happening to you then? Yeah, yeah. So no, I think I give my I think I've given my parents enough sleepless nights. Yeah.
When you moved to West Papua when you were 19. No, they definitely did not know what was going on in West Papua.
Let me tell you. Well, there's a lot going on. And very impressed as always by the work you do. Jen, thank you for joining us on the Batut of your podcast. We are going to get so much feedback. You've blown so many minds today. I hope you enjoyed that sitting there in the tractor or on the commute, wherever you are. It's all true. What she's saying is true because she represents these people. So get that book too. How many more women in all good bookstores and online. Thanks for joining us. Thank you so much.
And want to see the case resolved. So I'm very much hoping that we will see a resolution and soon.
What's I mean, there's a lot of smearing, obviously. I mean, aside from the CIA trying to kill him, which is one way of silencing him. There's also the smearing from the earliest stages of Julian Assange's painted as this sickly pale internet sleuth. Yeah. You know, there's a whole lot of allegations against him. There was a whole lot of talk a lot about the cult upbringing. Yeah.
What's he like as a person? Look, Julian is if he was sitting here with us, he's got a great dark sense of humor. He's incredibly smart. He's one of my favorite people to debate with. He's he's an Aussie. He is Aussie and he's you know, he takes the piss. He's he's great. But obviously he's not all the things that you read in the media. He can be very difficult. There's no denying that he's been diagnosed with Asperger's that's out in the proceedings and as part of our concern about the nature of the detention he'll face. But he's he's great. He's he's good fun and he's brave. He's so brave and he's a great thinker. Look at what he's achieved with WikiLeaks.
It's changed the shape of journalism. It's changed the way we talk about journalism.
We didn't even talk about the right to know before WikiLeaks.
Yeah. And this is all because of him. And he's an Aussie who, you know, started this little organization in Melbourne. So it's kind of it's wild, actually, like when I think about it and I look back and I've said this before, it was really interesting to me watching what happened in 2010 with these publications and the aftermath was that a small group of people led by this Australian shook an imperial power to their core. Yeah. And I think that's pretty. Yeah. Pretty incredible. Certainly punch above our weight when it comes to that kind of stuff, Australians.
I mean, we've we've got you, Jen. We've also got Julian Assange. We've got Rupert Murdoch.
I mean, those two people basically decided the 2016 election or could have if they wanted to. You know what I mean? For someone like you, I imagine you meet heads of state. What is the exchange like when you're looking at someone who very much looks and feels like a real person and you say, hey, what's happening to Julian Assange? Doesn't feel very democratic or humane. How do they respond to you in that moment? Well, it depends on the leader. Yeah.
So there are many leaders around the world that support Julian Assange. So President Lula of Brazil has spoken out publicly, has said that he's raised it with Biden. The president of Mexico, AMLO, has raised it. In fact, other governments have done more than many of the Australian governments have done until Prime Minister Albanese.
So, you know, I think. I think there's a huge amount of support for Julian globally, both from global leaders, particularly in Latin America, from countries who benefited from the information that was released. So for many countries who have suffered because of US imperialism and have a very recent memory of the role of the United States. There's not many left that haven't. Right. So so there are a lot of people who are very sympathetic to Julian and are grateful to him for showing the world what US diplomacy and what US power does. And so those countries are very much when I say like, you know, you know, I think in Australia and the UK and the US, Julian has been, like you say, very much vilified. Yeah. But when you go to different countries around the world who have very recent history, lived experience of US imperialism, he is he is considered a hero.
I mean, we've tackled three, I guess, three pillars of your amazing career. Jen, tell us what it's like when you go home, when you've got these these stories, you got to keep it a bit under wraps. You know, when you're down there, voluntary.
Down in Berry. So I grew up in Berry and I still go home to my dad's horse farm down there.
And no, I mean, dad will always say, how's Julian going? But I don't always tell my family everything about what's going on. One, I can't. A lot of it's privilege, but I don't like to worry them too much. And I think if I talk too much about, oh, dad, guess what?
The CIA is plotting to kidnap and kill my client. Um, it does cause it is cause for worries like what's happening to you then?
Yeah. So no, I think I give my I think I've given my parents enough sleepless nights. Yeah.
When you move to West Papua when you're 19. No, they definitely did not know what was going on in West Papua.
Let me tell you. Well, there's a lot going on and very impressed, as always, by the work you do. Jen, thank you for joining us on the Batutah over your podcast. We are going to get so much feedback. You've blown so many minds today. I hope you enjoyed that sitting there in the tractor or on the commute, wherever you are. It's all true. What she's saying is true because she represents these people. So get that book too. How many more women in all good bookstores and online. Thanks for joining us. Thank you so much. |
SaturdayNightLive | canceling_a_flight_snl | You are next in the queue to speak to a Southwest Airlines representative. Finally! please state your name. Reginald Keene. thank you. Connecting you now. Hi, this is Zach Cray with Southwest. am I speaking with. Vaginald Kreme? it's Reginald Keene. of course, Mr. Kreme.
And let me be the first to apologize for losing your luggage. Oh, no, no, I have my luggage.
I just need to change my flight. I'm supposed to fly Denver to New York tonight, but I need to move it to tomorrow. Okay, so unfortunately tomorrow we are very full, but I can get you on standby for the 815. standby means I'm not guaranteed to get on the flight though, right? No, you'll be on the flight. you'll just have to stand by the bathroom the whole time. shall I book that for you?
No, I don't want to do that. I'll just try another airline and I'll just cancel and get a refund. Alrighty. no. did you just say no? Yes, we are trained to say no and see if people just accept it. but I see that you won't, so I'll transfer you to someone who can assist. Please hold.
Southwest doesn't assign seats. just another way we're making flying feel like riding a city bus. Hello, this is Mandy with Southwest Lost Leggage Department. can you describe your missing bag, sir? Oh, no, I didn't lose my bag.
I'm just trying to cancel my flight and get a refund. of course. let me transfer you to cancellations, and in case we get disconnected, write down this reference number. 5-32-19-b-s-1-581-m-s-m-u-b-a-5-2-1-1-325-b-s-m-u. did you get that? No. great. please hold. want more leg room and premium food and drink services? Fly a different airline. this is Donna. am I speaking with Vaginald? my name is Reginald. Look, I just want a refund, Okay? maybe you can help me.
Maybe I can help you? Why only maybe? because I'm black? don't be racist ass. A white person to talk to.
Oh, wait, wait, no, no. this is Christie with Southwest. I see that on your file. You prefer to deal with customer service reps that are white, And I get it, brother, because we ought to stick together. No, no, no, no, no. put me on with somebody else. Hello, this is D'artagnan. I can get you that refund, sir. question is, what are you going to do for me? no, someone else.
Hi, this is Kelly. how are you today? not great. how are you? honestly, still pretty drunk. Transfer me. absolutely. yeah, man. me looking for your last bag. but my tinkly found it. in a blue Samsonite rolly bag, yeah? no, I didn't lose my bag. I'm sorry, I can't hear you. let me get your bag back to you. please hold.
Hello, this is Mason. Mason, dude, listen to me.
I just want to cancel my flight, but I keep getting bounced around at different people. ugh, I hate that. it's like, put me on with somebody who can actually do something. Yes, my God, yes, you get it. Totally. All right, let me try and find someone like that for you, please. you are being transferred to a Southwest Refund Specialist. Thank you. in training.
No! hey. hello? you get high? Darius, no! sorry about that, sir. please hold. Did you know you can get Wi-fi on your flight? we didn't. if you know how that works, contact us. Hello, Terminal C Hudson News. are you interested in purchasing a warm Dasani for $16.99? No!
Why do they transfer me to Hudson News? Oh, who? Southwest? happens all the time.
I think I can get them back. please hold. Mr. Cream, I hope one of our white employees was able to help you with that refund. but I don't prefer whites, and nobody has helped me. Vote Dmx. Y'all gonna make me lose my mind up in here. So connect me to the highest ranking Southwest employee possible right now. very well. Please hold.
Greetings. Who am I speaking to? I am both south and West. North and East. I'm all directions, all destinations. as long as they're in the United States or Mexico. great.
Can you cancel my flight and just give me a refund? No. don't do the no thing with me. Refund. Now. so be it. your refund has been issued. on a $75 cancellation fee and $200 rebooking charge.
Thank you for flying Southwest, Vaginal. it's Reginald! Yes, say your name, Reginald! Well, then what about I said Jeffrey Smith? Ah-ha-ha! |
TheOnion | Hollywood_s_Biggest_Stars_Rally_To_Save_Their_Children | Hollywood's biggest stars are rallying for a good cause this week with the Save Our Children campaign. Celebs like Jessica Simpson, Brad Pitt, and Gwyneth Paltrow headlined a charity event to help their suffering kids who desperately need a chance to live a normal life. Angelina Jolie talked to Starfix about the charity saying quote, You don't have to be a mother to want to help my children, many of whom are not getting a proper education. If you look at the numbers, one in five of my children will struggle with drug problems. Joining us now is a representative from the charity, Julie Harrison. Julie, it was such a great cause.
Absolutely. We're talking about children who don't have any positive role models. They're born into a life they didn't ask for. And if the state's not going to step up and help these kids, it's time someone did something. Here's a quote from Victoria Beckham and I found this powerful. It breaks my heart to think about these kids living somewhere in my house with no hope for a happy future. Who knows if they even have food to eat? Julie, according to your group's website, a staggering number of stars' children are being exploited growing up without parents. Right. Living in underly harsh households without anyone telling them no. Being forced into child labor, it's sad.
Really hard to watch. For a lot of these stars, the issue is personal. Will Smith told People Magazine quote, This cause hits close to home for me because I lost my child. It's too late for Jaden, but not for others like him.
Julie, has this charity been successful so far? It has.
The celebs started a mentoring program pairing some of their neediest children with normal adults who spend time with them once a week. We sent Sarah Cruz to live with a nice suburban couple in Minneapolis for a weekend, where she learned what a dishwasher is. But what about everyone else? Is there any way our viewers can help these less fortunate kids? Follow us on Twitter. You'll find information there on how to donate normal clothes a child should wear.
Thanks, Julie. Coming up, who do you think Selena Gomez should date next? You can tell her because we found her email address. |
cracked | the_only_film_genre_that_gets_you_to_root_for_the_bad_guy_after_hours | Well, I've been having a terrible week. My landlord keeps yelling at me to wear slippers, because he says I stomp like a loud and sad person. My dog's been very distant lately.
And this morning, a woman passed me on the street, looked me right in the eye, and did the sign of the cross. Do I have Satan on my face? Of course not. Satan in every face. I don't say Satan. Toasty toast.
So anyway, I've been watching a lot of rom-coms to counteract it, because I need that. Because Daniel deserves that. Yeah, man. I also love watching villains wreak havoc on everyone when I'm sad. No, mine are the ones where love blossoms out of comedic situations. Yours is a, what are you talking about? I think Michael misheard you, or his brain is broken. And sometimes it's hard to tell. Michael, he said rom-coms, like will they, won't they, or the smoochies smoochies. Yeah, I know. I heard rom-coms, short for trauma accomplices, where two horrible monsters do mean, hurtful things at or to one another, and those around them, until they've earned their ticket to Bonetown, USA.
Population, peen hundred. I love Bonetown.
I have an annual pass there. You do it once a year? No, I pay once a year. I get to do it as many times as I want. You pay for sex?
No. I was adding to the hilarious. Soar knows what I'm talking about. Most rom-com couples are actually horrible villains. Not my rom-com.
Take my best friend's wedding. Successful food critic Julia Roberts has had all the time in the world to tell her best friend that she wants to marry him. Then decides that now, when he's actually getting married, to just go ahead and ruin his wedding to a perfectly decent stranger.
Yeah, it's the plot of the movie. Also the title of the movie. Meanwhile, our main guy, I mean, who cares what his name is, what's he even been in since?
Deron Lauren. He was in a Bouch Mitt, The Grey, Insidious Three, Family Stone. The point is, dear mate Mulroney is a sexist, emotionally manipulative, leathery man who doesn't want his fiancee, who's very, very young, to finish college. And Julia knows this. And she uses it against poor fiancee Cameron Diaz. In addition to bringing out this guy's inner control freak, Julia tries to hurt and humiliate Cameron's character at every opportunity, making her do karaoke when she knows she doesn't want to do it, forging work emails to cause drama between Cameron and Dermot, what's his name? Dermot Mulroney.
He dated Rachel and friends for a little bit. Oh, you think I would remember that leathery face. Also, you just said his name. Listing villainous acts here, trying to make him jealous by making her friend be her fake boyfriend. And eventually, she just makes out with a leather face. Meanwhile, dermatology is weirdly possessive of Julia, walking in on her naked, commenting about how good she looks. You look really good with that clothes on.
And he's always, almost kissing Julia while he's engaged to Cameron. Not to mention that everyone's flying out for this expensive destination wedding. And Cameron has done nothing but love them both.
Also, you notice how many times they make her unnecessarily pratfall in that movie? I mean, is that the only thing Julia Roberts can do? When I am unnecessarily pratfall, it is always at the exact right. Oh, you dick, you stole my necessary pratfall.
Hold on, but Julia doesn't get with whatever his name is. He is an actor who's doing just fine in Hollywood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dimwit, mulch money.
Anyways, can we even call it a rom-com if they don't end up together? I mean, she is supposed to be the villain. Yeah, but I'd say based on America's reaction of propelling it to number two at the box office, raking in $299.3 million, in 1997, when that was a fairly big deal, yeah, I think that does make it a rom-com. Not to mention that a rom-com just has to present a will-they-won't-they scenario. In this case, they wanted. But I think Katie's larger point was that this is one bad example in a genre that is about comedy and finding companionship among them. Yeah, and if we really want to talk about villains in rom-coms, then the people in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days are like super villains. Katie, no, Katie. Oh, come on. I mean, the whole plot of the movie is that the two of them make a bet to destroy a person.
I could start by dating a guy and then drive him away. Do you think you can make a woman fall in love with you by then? 10 days. You're on. For work, because apparently, that's how you get ahead in business in rom-com world. No, that's actually how you get ahead in the real world, too. I've tried it.
See, every week, Jack threatens to fire me, and then I bet him $5 that he won't. And then that sucker takes the bet every single time. I give him $5. I never get fired. Oh, that's so smart. Or you just give him $5 every week for doing nothing.
Also, that's not how bets work. No, it's, oh. That's besides the point. Anyway, in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, they plan to manipulate a stranger, in her case, by breaking up with him, and in his case, by falling in love. For their stupid jobs.
I mean, she literally says, I'm going to make you wish you were dead. And then she proceeds to make him miserable. I mean, imagine being a stranger who starts dating a woman who like tortures you and you don't know why. She invades his personal space. She throws these emotionally abusive temper tantrums. She humiliates him in front of his friends. She destroys property. She makes him question his sanity. She drove me half insane for a goddamn magazine. Oh, she even asked one of her friends to pretend to be a therapist.
I mean, that has to be breaking some law. Yeah, that is breaking the law. That's practicing medicine illegally.
Well, maybe she was just practicing, practicing medicine. Get it? Practice makes perfect. Although in this case, practice makes a malpractice case.
Yeah, it should be called How to Gaslight a Guy for 10 Days. I mean, that's not kooky fun. That's evil. Meanwhile, he's not even in love with her.
He's just so focused on winning the Blood Diamonds account. Yeah, that's right. He works in advertising and is trying to advertise for Blood Diamonds. We say a diamond is for everyone.
That he will do anything, which includes pulling his poor, sweet family into his fraudulent love lie. Meanwhile, he doesn't even love this woman. So his plan is just to emotionally manipulate her until he gets his work prize and then what, dump her?
I mean, they are both super villains just trying to outsmart each other. All right, that's two bad examples of child's play. You want to talk about real couple villains? Let's talk about America's Sweethearts.
Oh, I love that movie. Well, then you love actual monsters because John Cusack and Julia Roberts in that movie are actual monsters. John Cusack is a megastar who tries to kill his wife. Hey, OK, yes, he does that. But if you watch the movie, you know he does it for a very good reason.
Bring it home, Katie. She takes him to her crumpled duck, which is like edible cheating. Katie, damn it, you let me down. You let me and the whole cast of America's Sweethearts down.
Even Billy Crystal? You know Dermot Mulroney, but you don't know who Billy Crystal is. I don't want to talk about how much Billy Crystal probably hates Katie, which is so much.
Or how broken Dan's brain is, which is still just fine, man. You're great, buddy.
I want to talk about how America's Sweethearts should be renamed America's Psychopaths. All the footage we see of John Cusack, he is overly protective, untrusting, and just violent towards Katharzeta Jones. He does not trust her because she cheated on him. Or maybe she cheated on him because she was in an abusive relationship.
He stalks around her bungalow even after they're separated, spying on her and creeping around. He constantly fantasizes about killing her, even though he still wants to be with her. Meanwhile, Julia Roberts is pining after her sister's husband. Even so much that she kisses him and ends up sleeping with him while they're still married.
Even more, meanwhile, Julia is not being honest with her sister. She's enabling her sister's bad behavior. She could tell Katharzeta Jones that she is being self-destructive. But no, she doesn't do that because she is suckling at the teat of her sister's success. Anyway, Julia Roberts is just using her sister until she can hop on the John Cusack money train. Meanwhile, her sister is literally being slush shamed by the entire media.
Sorry, I can't get over what happened to you. She needs a strong supportive family during that time. But everywhere she turns, she has no one she can rely on, not even her own sister. Oh my god, you're right.
John Cusack is always a terrible person in rom coms. And in serendipity, both he and Kate Peckinsale are engaged to different people, but they keep chasing each other around because Kate was trying to be a kooky manic pixie dream girl and didn't just give him her number when they first met. And then he uses the present that his fiance gave him to ruin their wedding and find Kate. And say anything. He's a straight up stalker with boundary issues. OK, so John Cusack's bad for rom coms.
But last night, I watched You've Got Mail alone, starring America's actual favorite sweethearts, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. It's correspondence that blossoms into love. I mean, technically he runs her bookstore into the ground and then emotionally manipulates her when he finds out that she's the mysterious lady he's been chatting with. But she's emailing him and open and kind and in a relationship. She's distancing herself from said relationship, emotionally making herself unavailable to her spouse.
And she says it. She says it. She knows it.
Is it infidelity if you're involved with someone on email? OK, bad example. OK, never been kissed. Yeah, she's 25 and she goes on a date with a 17-year-old. Also, she manipulates children to get her story in the paper. Oh, and she's into a teacher who wants to bone his student. 10 things I hate about you. Oh, she has serious anger issues and he is being paid to date her. There's something about Mary. Oh, shit. Too late. Everyone is stalking her.
And Ben Stiller has a perfectly good opportunity to keep her from putting fresh jism in her hair. And he does not. Yeah, and she just takes the hair gel from his ear. Who does that?
And how does she not recognize what jism is? Personally, I would be concerned about pursuing someone who can't identify jism by touch, temperature, sight, or smell.
Me too. OK, we ruined all of them, all right? And also, we said jism out loud in a public place three times, four times now. So everything's ruined and everything's terrible and I have no way of fixing my bad day now or ever. Wait, now, look at it that way.
All the psychopaths have coupled off. Oh, yeah, all the offals are with each other instead of tormenting us. It's just like watching two sick people making out. It's not very fun and it's kind of gross, but at least you know that they're only swapping journeys with one another and they're not infecting other people.
Yeah, I guess so. You guys saw that, right? Maybe it was a meet cute. No, do you think it was like a holy terror cross or like a That was for her. I thought it was a personal thing. But if it's a meet cute, I should go after her. I wouldn't usually pursue someone who thinks you might be the devil. Be evil, yeah.
Hi, everyone. We had a lot of fun today, but we'd like to talk to you seriously about Dermot Mulroney.
He's passable. He's cast as handsome often, which is why we thought it was OK to call him leather-faced over and over again. It's not like we're not saying like, we're not doing much of Paul Giamatti jokes here. It's not like Giamat's and we're making fun of his goblin face. We would also like to take a minute to talk about Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti is passably a handsome gentleman. He's not awful. He's no Steve Buscemi. He's no like the alien monster. We've had a lot of fun here today, and now I'd like to talk to you seriously about Steve Buscemi. That's actually how you pronounce his stupid garbage goblin name. |
cracked | how_to_pull_off_the_fantasy_trade_of_the_season | Go ahead Make fun of me Do you jokes make you look fancy jokes belittle me make me feel small. He already seems so miserable.
It's probably worth it I lost my dragons Soarin, I don't my best guys my best dragon guys are gone gone Like the NFL cut them cuz I'm gonna be honest with you I was very scared that your entire team was gonna be cut like immediately no Like that jerk friend of yours took my best dragons in exchange for some I don't know football players Sucks like a trade like somebody in our league traded for your players. No, I can't that can't be You've got Aaron Rodgers, yeah, I had to give away my Griffin slash droid for him sucks. I also got that vegan guy Aryan Foster. Yeah, it's like eat healthy on your own time. You chump, right? Yeah Anyway, it's a major bummer. First of all The two players that you got probably the best players in the entire NFL had you played them this week you would have won, huh? Okay second of all Yeah, how how Cody how did you not only accidentally pick up the best players in the league? but you also somehow put my mortal lock on first place in Light Jeopardy.
Oh, well that jerk friend of yours. He's also a friend of mine. We have a mutual friend and He's in this like fantasy costume exchange guild.
It's pretty dumb. It's fun. I'm already very upset.
Oh, man I would have invited you like Anyway, he's all pissy cuz he didn't get some of the costumes he wanted That's exactly how he was so I gave him Joffrey Baratheon in exchange for some of his better players in this league The league you care so much about you know kind of looks like Joffrey like a lot shut up. Shut up Let me get this straight our mutual friend gets to be Joffrey for Halloween and in exchange you get Aryan Foster and Aaron Rodgers Yes, that's what this entire conversation has been about Oh, but hey I'm not that miserable anymore. So Thanks for that. Why would you trade Joffrey? I Am the perfect Joffrey.
Look at me. Look at my face. It looks just like him Look at me.
I'm terrible and I'm unfairly favored by the gods Hate fantasy. No, it hates you, too 10 seconds you said all right. Hi, I'm crack.com Daniel O'Brien. I'm our party animal. I like the three T's I like tits two beers with my friends and tight having tight times with my friends and my beers I want you to subscribe to our channel. So because that would be really tight. I would like that if you did that 10 seconds |
dropout | why_it_sucks_when_your_friend_becomes_successful | Anyway, she said it was a appendicitis. Cynthia, I don't think that's a real doctor.
Hey.
My buddy Julian's coming by for lunch. Oh, I don't think I know Julian. He's a good guy. And it's great because he's the last one of my friends who isn't wildly more successful than me.
O'Brien! Ah, please stand for the National Grantham. What's up, buddy? Get some cups. We are celebrating.
Network picked me up. I'm going to be starring in my very own television sitcom. Someone's making just Julian. Yeah? Yeah, they picked it up. I'm actually getting writer and creator credit, as well as being the star. I also wrote The Jingle, which is kind of cool.
Ow! You fuck. What? Don't you know how deeply shitty it feels when a friend gets more successful than you? Oh, buddy, I know. Your time will come. You keep making these funny. How is that?
Don't you give me advice. You don't know anything more than I do. Do you want me to remain broke and unsuccessful my whole life? Of course not. I want you to be exactly one level of success behind me.
Or equal. Grant. Or equal, I said. Hey, Grant, I get it.
We're roughly the same age. I'm a little younger. But we, you know, we went to the same school, took the same classes, and we're in the kind of the same industry.
And, you know, this maybe makes it feel like you're less talented than I am. Ow! That's going to leave a mark. Nobody who makes more money than me gets to use psychoanalysis. Hey, man, I'm jealous of you. You're saying all the most annoying things successful people say. Look, after taxes, it's not even that much money.
I'm not taking anyone's spot. Everyone has their own path. There's room at the top for everyone.
Best days of my life were before I made it. I felt hungry then.
Make sure you're always in a clap. You should quit your day job. Grant! No, stop it! He's your friend. Listen, man.
I even wrote a part for you. You did? I did. I even named him Grant. Now I can try to get you an audition, but the network really wants Keith from Buzzfeed.
No! Ah!
Calm down. Look, you're obviously stressed from your job.
If you need to, you should just ask your parents for money. Ask his parents for money?
Yeah. Just enough to cover rent and basic expenses for a while for like a few months. Where did that come from? Oh my God.
Get on the ground. No, no, no, no, no, no. Get on the fucking ground!
Oh, I gotta run. My new appendix is ready. Yeah, it's definitely not a real doctor. |
dropout | if_google_was_a_guy_part_3 | Next! Come on!
What up, Google? Electric outlets look surprised, why? Because... Millipiece ten times faster than centerpiece? Baby powder made out of babies? You know that it's not. Well, hello there, young man. Big booty Puerto Rican goddess. Taxes have to pay, why?
What is YOLO? Is that your kid's phone? Is YOLO a drug?
Siri, how big is the Serengeti? No problem. Show me pictures of spaghetti. No, that's not what she asked for. Your search for disafid vita du guppafin fu jic returned no results. Vaccines cause autism? Well, I have one million results to say they don't, and one result that says they do. I knew it. Just because I have it doesn't mean it's true! Three hundred pound beautiful Indian princess.
What's a surfboard? Do you mean surfboard? No. Surfboard. Oh.
Do dead people pay taxes?
How do I get to the deep web? Follow me. Google? You're here. Google.com. That is me. Google.com website.
Eh? Finally. How make people think you die? Sonic the Hedgehog picks. The old Sega video game? Safe search off. Oh! What have you done?
How big is the Serengeti? More pictures of spaghetti.
That's not what she asked for. That is not what she asked for.
How big is the Serengeti? Why do Asian... Have small noses, wear face masks, have small eyes, have small penises. Pandas have trouble mating in captivity.
Jesus. It's not me. It's them. Where to buy lifelike bearded mannequin?
Sorry, I don't see spaghetti in your contact. Sorry, I didn't see spaghetti in your contact.
Hey, thanks so much for watching the video. As a reward, we're going to do a little improv scene for you. Can we have a suggestion, please? Kill yourself. I heard water balloons. We'll be figuring this out. Please click to subscribe. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Albo_Enjoys_a_Sambo_Greens_Staff_Told_To_Keep_Their_Euro_Summers_The_F_ck_Off_Instagram_RBA_B_ | My sister's got her fourth baby shower which I think is a bit of a scam because I think after the first one you should have enough shit for the rest of them don't you reckon? Yeah, well back in the day we used to have hand-me-downs for kids but nowadays you know. Are you going to get anti-socially drunk like you did at the last baby shower?
Yeah, yeah. There's just been a lot popping up this year. Start lecturing people about their life choices? Exactly, exactly.
Wearing a white dress to the baby shower. Overshadowing the mum-to-be.
Fair enough. This is why I guess Philip Lowe has raised the interest rates once again because millennials don't know how to save and they just keep buying new clothes. We just want it all. We just want all the baby showers. Yep, buying new clothes for kids that are the same size as their siblings were six months earlier. Just a mentality. Buy, buy, buy, buy. I thought they wanted us to be perfect consumers but now being consumers is a bad thing. Yeah it is. So you millennials need to smarten up.
Now what have we got first in the stories? Well we're starting off with some political news which actually comes from overseas. The headline reads like this. We have these sandwiches back home.
Albanese tells Vietnamese officials. Yes, the Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has enjoyed a taste of home while in Vietnam this week. On the last day of his holiday Mr Albanese treated himself to a pork roll or banh mi as they're known in Vietnam.
He couldn't help but tell his Vietnamese counterparts that they had these things back home. Yes, it was a story that received lots of polite nodding from Vietnamese officials who were actually forced to cut the Prime Minister off when he started launching into his spiel about growing up in Camperton Housing Commission. Yeah, living in public housing. Not that impressive to the people he was talking to over there.
You've got to choose your audience for these things. Staying overseas sort of for our next story and the Greens have been forced to tell their staff to keep their Euro summers the fuck off Instagram during this cost of living crisis. Yeah, it's not a good look, is it? This memo comes as we enter the colder months down in Canberra where Parliament House usually operates on a skeleton workforce as the vast majority of the millennial and Gen Z staffers make their annual sabbatical to Europe. And this isn't an issue for the likes of the Libs and the Nats because they only hire people that are over 60 years of age and the Labor Party don't really bother with this class-conscious brand management. It certainly isn't for the teals either. But the Greens, it is a big problem. With the nation gripped by a shocking housing crisis, the apparently new advocates for the Australian working class have been forced to lay down the law to their staffers who have been posting way too many Aperol spritzes and photos from the beaches of the Italian coast. Yes, as Greens leader Adam Bandt reportedly said in that chat with his staffers, you've got to remember that some people are poor and the new plan is to get these poor people to vote for us. So keep Mayorka and Mykonos the fuck off your Instagram.
Staying on the cost of living crisis and RBA boss Philip Lowe has shared some modern money saving tips such as asking a woman in your household to make you lunch every day. Interesting one Clancy? Yes, in a time when everything is going bad our senior public servants are thinking of us and coming up with ways to make the lives of all Australians worth living. One of them is Reserve Bank boss Philip Lowe, who aside from pegging what's left of the Australian middle class with a rate increase after rate increase has been sharing pearls of wisdom that everyone can use to help pay the mortgage. Yes, and there's been some serious gems offered up by the man on a million bucks a year who was given a subsidised mortgage to pay off his ritzy house in the eastern suburbs of Sydney.
Speaking to a conference this week, Lowe said and I quote, simply ask the woman of your house to make you a nice meal such as a cold meat sandwich or some soup and a thermos. It is easy and it is free. Continuing on from that you can also ask the household woman to complete tasks such as organising dry cleaning and looking after the children of the house. Perhaps you can have an elderly woman in some sort of grandmotherly role who you can palm the children off to. Having an older woman person in the house who can still drive is also very handy. If you really want to turbo charge your savings you can swap out expensive whale blubber oil for something more economical like cold pressed olive oil, Australian of course.
Definitely helpful, relatable tips there that I think everyone can use. Apparently the room of economists and journalists that were at that conference lapped it up and thought they were really great and useful and relayed them out to each.
Well they all went to the same schools didn't they? Yes, exactly.
Now we're finishing up with a sporting story and a selfless local father has volunteered to do the night time wake ups for the next five days. Yes, a father of the year candidate has been heaped praise this week for taking a load off his life partner, the mental load that is, and also domestic load. Young Burt Beattie told his wife he'd make sure that he was on duty for any night time wake ups for their newborn for the next four or five days.
Which had absolutely nothing to do with the final of the World Test Championship kicking off a couple of days ago. The 7.30 to 3 am-ish sessions of cricket between Australia and India were reportedly just a random coincidence for the father of the year, so good on him for being a good dad. Good on you mate.
You've been a zombie for the last couple of days Effie, I know you've been up till 3.30 am. Oh no, past, like it finishes at 3 and then I'm thinking about it so much so I don't get to bed till 5.
Yeah. Good on you. Yeah.
Anyway that's all we've got time for this week, thanks very much, talk to you next week. See you next week. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ukraine_wins_eurovision_7_000_nyc_rat_sightings_reported_snl | Well guys, this is just in. The winner of this year's Eurovision Song contest is Kalush Orchestra. A group from Ukraine and this is cool. if you combine every member of Kalush orchestra you get post malone. It was announced that a new disco theme roller skating rink will open this summer in Central Park. Another classic 70s trend. Returning to the park this summer. Stabbings The makers of Barbie have introduced the first ever Barbie with hearing Aids. It teaches an important lesson. it doesn't matter if you're deaf, as long as that body banging Kevin Spacey will star in a historical drama about Genghis Khan's grandson. Said Spacey, you had me at grandson. New York City officials say they have received over 7,000 rat sightings here in New York, so everybody look under your seat. Oklahoma City Zoo announced that a 14 year old endangered chimpanzee named Naya is pregnant said the zoo's janitor. She told me she was 18 announcing this week's 86 million dollar Mega Millions Jackpot drawing which is why I had to go into Lauren's office and unquit you. |
SaturdayNightLive | blood_oath_snl | You're watching History Channel. at 10, it's bathing a beast, Hitler's hygiene. But first, it's ancient empires. Europe, 500 B.c. two tribes and a century-long feud and forge an alliance to protect their lands from invasion. for years, the Wundi and the Thracian tribes have been at war. But now, we must put aside our differences and face a common enemy, the Golden Horde. Though it stings my tongue to say it, you are right, Lord Vator. Oh, so the Thracian army will fight by our side? we shall. Then let us seal this alliance in a blood oath as my people have done for a thousand years. to victory! Victory! Oh, that was a sharp knife. may the Gods smile on this union and bring our people strength. she's cut myself good there. What news from our scouts? the Goldthans will be at our border in two moons' time. then we must act with haste. General Lyra, how many men do you have in your ranks? Lots. thousands.
Sorry, I'm still bleeding from the blood oath. is your palm still bleeding? No, a blood oath requires but a scratch. a scratch? Okay, so you went super light? I didn't know that. my tribe doesn't do blood oaths. so I basically cut into my hand like I was cutting into steak. Oh, that was unwise of you. No, like I said, I've never done a blood oath before. but it's fine, I'll deal with it.
Okay, so your cut will not be the focus anymore. we're finished with your cut. First, I don't love the attitude. And second, it's not a cut, it's a gash. But I'm done with it.
So proceed. the Goldthans horde will surely cross the river here. this is where we make our stand. Yes, and I can deploy my archers along this narrow pass. and my horsemen shall strike along this ridge.
I didn't know what was going to do that. it spurts out when I straighten my fingers like this. what did it say? close your hand. I knew, but I was just showing you what was going on with it. Yes, we are aware. So just keep your hand closed, man.
I'm on a map. I am! I already said, sell me a back-up map!
All right! how bad did you cut yourself? I don't know, I'm afraid to look. you look. oh, my. is it bad? is it bad? Oh, yeah, I saw a ligament. why would you slice your hand so deep?
I told you, we don't do blood oaths in my tribe. we drown a dove and throw it in the fire. Okay, random. I'm sorry I ruined your whole meeting. map guy hates me. girl thinks I'm a loser. such a flop. perfect! Surely we will lose now. This man can't possibly fight. Oh, Soldier Tom. I still have plenty of fight in me. And I have a plan. As we can all see, night has fallen and it has grown extremely dark. no, it hasn't. it's the blood loss, Ma'am. the blood loss. both in Battlehorns. the hour has come to victory! All right, let's do this! |
dropout | animal_gangsters_morning_drawfee | Welcome to Morning Drawfee. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. And this is the show, of course, where we take your dumb suggestions and make them into even dumber drawings.
Of course. Today, we're drawing animal gangsters, thanks to Carter W. Thank you for that wonderful suggestion. And thanks for having an easy to pronounce name. Yeah! Great work having an anglicized name. Great job on that.
I don't know what the W is for, but it doesn't matter. You didn't make us have to figure it out. W is for white.
Maybe. Alright, we'll see. I don't know.
Anyway, I'm going to draw an old-timey gangster, who's kind of what I'm going with.
Wilkins? Wilkins.
Because it's a gangster. Because he's a gangster. He's a gangster, yeah.
So, let's get that going there. I can give him like a little fedora. Oh, yeah. So, yeah. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. He's a smooth criminal. I'll tell you that much. Heh. Uh, chameleons are fun. Smooth criminal. I had a, um... Where's where that song goes? Yeah.
I had a, not a chameleon, but a, um... He looks so friendly. An anole, which is like one of those little green lizards growing up. Uh... An anole?
Yeah, they're like, they're like, people call them chameleons, but they're not chameleons. No. Um, which is something I learned, being a lizard owner. But they look, do they have the swively eyes? No. They just have normal, normal fucking eyes. So, then why do people call them chameleons?
Because they can change colors. They can change from, but they can't...
I went in thinking that this thing was going to be able to... Chameleons have the, have like the better PR on that. Yeah. That's true. They get the... They have a good rep. Um, but I went in thinking that this thing was going to be able to, you know, change to any color I wanted. Like, I had gotten this polymorphic pet that was going to be filling me with hours of joy. But it turned out it can just turn from green to kind of a muddy green to brown. Which is still pretty cool, that a thing in nature can do that. Those are three distinct colors. That's true.
Green, muddy green, and... Mmm, muddy green. I mean, like all the poop colors, all the best poop colors. Which one was your favorite? I was a big fan of muddy green. Muddy green, yeah.
One of them got cancer and died. Is lizards going to get cancer? Yeah, it got a tumor.
I thought that it was pregnant because it had like a big lump. Oh, no. That's terrible. I was so pumped. I was like, oh, boy, my lizard's pregnant. Pregnant with cancer.
But no, and then it died and it got real sick. Poor T-bone.
It's a nice suit. This guy's wearing... Well, you know what? It might be... Is that his skin that he has morphed to look like a fancy... I'm going to go back in here. Oh, yeah. That's a... He's all class. That's a gangster stash. Yep. He looks so like on a suit. Oh, there you go. Oh, don't worry. He is a bit dastardly.
What was that?
Dastard. That's how you say that word. Everybody... I've been saying it wrong. Yeah, you have. Ask anyone who is. You have to get suddenly a vaguely European accent. Ask anyone who is of English. Yes. Isn't that right?
Carter W. Carter knows. Carter, the W stands for Western Hemisphere. Carter dubs.
Cardiovascular. All right.
Well, I'm taking it way too long here, but I've got to draw... You've got to be holding the cap.
You can't rush. You can't rush perfection.
He's got to be holding like a gun of sorts. He's like flipping a... No, no, no. Flipping a coin menacingly. No, he's going to be holding that.
That's a tea gun. A Tommy gun. Tommy gun. I always thought... A Thompson. The first time that someone carried a Tommy gun in like a violent case must have just been my moment.
Yeah, it became... I feel like because it became just the thing where it's like, oh, no. People jumped on that.
Yeah. But you're the first person to think of that. I hope you got a patent. I hope he got like a raise from his gangster corp or whatever. Who he works for. Someone saw that was like, oh my God, that's so cool. Yeah, I wonder...
They're worth a violent in there at all. I don't think they thought it was cool at all because it probably got fucking murdered.
Well, no, the guy who saw it, not the guy who... I mean, the guy who saw it but wasn't...
The other gangster. Yeah, like his gangster crew.
He's like, I told you to bring a gun. I told you to bring a gun.
What is this? What's the violent case?
Are you going to serenade him? Wait, look at Mr. Yo-Yo Ma over here. Because that's a reference that they would have... Also, Yo-Yo Ma is a cellist, I believe.
So that was incorrect. Oh, man, you're going to get slammed in the comments for that one. Someone's going to blast me for that.
Full blast. Look, you just know how to draw a Tommy gun. Kind of. A bit. I think they've got a little thing here. I was never a big FPS guy, but I did play my fair share of Time Splitters 2 for the Nintendo GameCube. That's got like an old-timey section, right?
Oh, yeah, because they go through all the times. And it said on the box, on the back, go through all the times.
Double Tommy Gun was always... Because you don't need to aim when you have two Tommy guns. It's the entire screen, it's full of bullets at that point. I had a friend who is a gun enthusiast. A gun-thusiast?
Yeah. Well, you are from the South. It's true. It's the thing.
And he would always get mad when we'd be watching a show or reading a comic book or something, and they would mess up the guns. They would do them wrong. Or they would do what I've done here, which is just kind of like... Draw a bunch of interlocking L's that somehow form a gun shape. He did not like that. I feel like I'm missing something on this Tommy Gun, though.
I'm going to look up a picture of you. Oh, no. You did so good. Yeah, let me see. Yeah, close enough. Oh, I think it just has more of a barrel. It has more of a stock. Yeah. More of a... Yeah. There we go. It's got some kick.
You want to hold it up against the shoulder to brace. Tony... Tony Crymeleon don't need to worry about that. Oh, man. I wouldn't want to owe him money. Yeah, he's cold-blooded.
Let me tell you. He's... All right. On that, I'm going to take my leave. It's your turn. Okay, I'm going to draw. So, Gangster, you took it in the sort of old-timey Gangster, but there are Gangsters nowadays. There are. Sad. Hey, you know what? Let's get real for a second. A different aesthetic. You know? Show me what you got. Okay.
Well, let's draw. I'm going to draw. You're going to draw.
Morning Drop.
I'm going to draw a fish. A fish Gangster.
Yeah. Okay. Now you're doing like a modern-day Gangster. Yeah. Like a gang...
This fish grew up on the wrong side of the reef.
Ooh. Yes. Yes, definitely.
He didn't have a... Well, his father just like laid sperm all over his mom's eggs and then just bounced. Just wasn't there for him. Just, you know, he got arrested probably on some sort of trumped-up charge.
Yeah. But he left this guy to fend for himself. Uh-huh. And you know. It's rough out there, man. With the education system. Right. The way it is, you know, there's...
He couldn't stay... He couldn't stay in a school.
A float. He couldn't stay in school. There's a fish.
Oh, we've got all... We're the worst. We're... Wow, we're just... We're awful. We're trivializing real...
One of our nation's greatest problems. Real problems.
But he's got, you know, he's got some... Some bling. Yeah. This is the truth. Some fish bling. This is the sequel to Finding Nemo. Yeah. Right here. Where Nemo goes back to his old neighborhood and tries to teach some kids... Is it features Nemo as a... Yeah.
As an inner city teacher. I can't get through to these kids.
He's trying to pick up this... He's trying to pick up this gat.
Uh-huh. Am I saying that right? Gat? I think it's...
Glot.
That's how you draw a gun. Hey, kids. Want to learn how to draw a gun real quick on the show? Sure you do. Just draw an L and then add some other L's inside of it. Call those teaching voice. It's just... Hey, little guy. Want to learn how to draw a gun? You do. Draw an L, you dummy.
Now you're done. What's going on? That's okay. You need to adjust. Where's the... There you go. Ah. Get over there.
Well, now mine's going to be off the screen. Now people can't enjoy my art while you're drawing your art.
Hold it. Okay. Hold it.
It's fine. It's great. Don't worry about it.
You've got to press Escape. I know what I have... What you have... I know what I must do. Okay.
You need to learn the shortcuts, man. Well, your shortcuts are different from my shortcuts. There are no shortcuts. That's a trick question. There are no shortcuts in life. You know?
He's just sort of flailing out. He's got his... He's not doing... He's got his tail.
This is how... Fish society is... It's a miracle that they get anything done.
No wonder so many of them resort to crime. It's hard. You know, there are a lot of marginalized communities. A lot of silence.
You know, problems that... And you know what? That aren't addressed by the mainstream. And it's just...
It's whale privilege, really. Everyone's so interested in whales. Uh-huh. When do whales check their privilege?
You've got to check it. Even... Well, yeah. That's the thing, man.
Unless you're a killer whale, which is like a stigma. Society is thrust upon you.
What a team. What a team we have here. Past and present collide.
You've got Chrymeleon and Thugfish. You did it. I think... You've done a fish. I've done it. Mm-hmm. So... Actually, probably be bigger and flatter-brimmed. Yeah, you got... What's the term for that?
Fitted. I believe fitted. Yeah, but leave a tag on there, I believe, is the style.
Oh, yeah. The tag from the store they stole it from. Well, it's more like I think it fell in the water. Oh, yeah. It fell off the boat. Yeah. This one fell off the boat.
It's just a shipment of... It was better before. Whatever. I think it's great. You get the basic gist.
So let's do recommendations, though. Yeah, let's recommend... Because you guys want to know what we think is funny, don't you?
No. They definitely don't. No.
They've already clicked on at least three more videos. They're loading any other tabs right now.
But, Carlo, what's something that you think that people who like morning driving might also like? Well, this week I did a fun article called The Seven Deadly Sins of Public Transportation. It's got some fun drawings. It's about riding trains in the bus and how terrible that is.
So if you want to see that, I don't know. It is a really good...
Just click on this... Click on this button right here. Don't click on his lizard. No. Click on this button. Beep, beep, beep, beep.
What about you? I made a comic.
It's a tale of... It's got emotions. It's got a love story. It's a love story.
If you've ever loved and lost or had a haircut, you might like the comic I wrote called The One Thing You Don't Want to Hear After Your Haircut. It's a slice of life. It's a slice of life with a twist. You go to the diner that is experience and you order a slice of this.
Yeah, click on my gangster fish. If you want to see another thing that I drew... And if you want to see more videos from us...
Oh, no, we moved it. That's okay. We're not supposed to do that. Put the things in after we move it now.
Well, if you want to see more videos that we have done and that College Humor does, click this button right here, which is actually a weird whale's mouth. It's not a... It's a whale.
So we're going to go... We're going to go just think about what we've done today. That's the thing of nightmares.
And you guys can click all around this goddamn thing. Click all around it. And, you know, for those of you who are on mobile and can't click, the links to all of these things we've suggested are in the description.
Yes, you can find them there. Thank you very much to Card W for the suggestion. Put all your suggestions. There should be a College Humor comment. Put them below that. Someone should be asking what you want us to draw. Put them there.
We'll see you next week. Have a great week.
Don't commit a crime. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_seth_herzog | Please welcome Mr. Semperza! You guys all live in town, right? Everyone's in New Yorkers. Some people are really excited about it. I gotta keep your eyes open. New York is amazing because there's so much going on in the streets.
And it's just, it's its own show. About maybe two months ago, I'm walking down on 14th and 9th, you know that little area there? And there's a diner there called Diner. Very creative neighborhood. What do you call this diner? I don't know, what about the diner? You're a genius.
So, it's a Friday night, and I guess there had been a fight inside the diner. This kid had gotten into a fight. So I'm gonna call him a faggot. He did not take kindly to that. So as I'm walking by with my friends, he gets tossed out, okay? 21 year old Puerto Rican kid, right, drunk as shit. So the dude he got in a fight with is still inside. So he's yelling through the window to the dude he got in a fight with.
Just saying the same thing over and over again. Just going, I'm a faggot, I'm a faggot, I'm a faggot, I'm a faggot, I'm a faggot, I'm a faggot. Over and over and over again.
Like it was a mice nerve exercise or something. And now there's like, people are starting to stop and watch this. And he's oblivious to us. There's probably 10 people watching.
And he's not changing a word. Just going, I'm a faggot, I'm a faggot, I'm a faggot, I'm a faggot. Rips off his shirt. Did not help his cause whatsoever.
And now there's a group group of like 10 to 15 people watching. And we've now made it our Friday night. And we're doing that thing New Yorkers never do. Where we're making eye contact and bonding over something with people you don't know. New Yorkers who are not friends are doing this.
Right? This is good.
We only bond over things we can both hate collectively. We both hate that. We're going to tell our friends about this tomorrow, right? This is what we're going to talk about at brunch.
So we're all waiting for something to happen. And he's oblivious to this crowd. And all of us on the edge of our seat, we're all thinking, he's about to have an epiphany. That's what we're all waiting for. All of us are waiting for it. We're all thinking he's going to go, I'm a faggot, I'm a faggot, I'm a faggot, I'm a faggot.
That's not what happened. What did happen was the last drag queen that hangs out in the meatpacking district, there's one left, John Bonet Britt, I believe her name is. Thank you, Jews. This is one drag queen who walks by and sees what's going on. And without skipping a beat, just goes, Duh, he keeps on rocking. It was fucking hilarious. Thank you. |
dropout | vladimir_putin_s_local_olympics_commercial | You're next McBlae, Russia's a boy's job. It is Vladimir Putin. Hi, Russia is strong backbone of crippled world.
But for two week only, we have... ...Olympic fever! Fever!
Come one, come some to Sochi Olympic extravaganza. That's over not previous years ever! We have some of best olympic sport, including speed skating, curdling, and bobs sleds. Us, exclusive Russian sports. Such as shirtless horseback riding and door wrestling. America's shit olympics only have one goal per event. Russian olympics have all gold!
Leader, this gold is sweating. That is because it is working hard! I love gold! Vladimir, no expense! Such olympic costs 50 billion dollar.
Next!
Not for you! Shiver in terror at Russian-mounted Sean Whitehall. Who's Scammer? What a pussy riot! He's going to be out of control!
At which point control will be maintained by secret group of peacemakers. Duh. Our hotel's so beautiful, you will rub your eyes with disbelief. As did Bob Kossas, who definitely did not get pink eye from her 50 pillows. But when the sun goes down, the fun goes yes. With exclusive parties featuring TJ Edward Snowden, he'll be leaking this year's hottest jams.
Russia is proud to host all four olympic rings. Four. There are only four.
Anyone who say otherwise is the enemy of the state! Duh. We're nearly located between Ukraine's civil war and pack of stray dogs.
And remember, no gays! Only disco. |
dropout | public_bathrooms | Greetings travelers, welcome to Tales from the Closet. This is a show where we discuss coming out in whatever that means to you. There are a lot of closets.
Thank you for joining us. If you are currently in a closet, we're here to keep you company and talk about weird things that have happened to us and where we're at now. If you're watching this on Dropout, thank you for subscribing. We really appreciate you. Thank you for talking in the online Discord. Great community there.
I'm going to shut some of these candles down as I talk.
If you have questions, please submit them to the anonymous online survey. We love hearing from you guys. We have some questions that we're going to answer today. Really looking forward to it.
Let's hop in and meet our guests. We have three amazing guests here today. Please introduce yourself. Let's start here, Joan. Oh, hi.
My name is Joan Ford. I'm a writer, comedian, performer, and my pronouns are she, her, and yeah. My name is Adrienne Young. I'm a rock and roll musician by trade. My pronouns are she, they, and you can find me on Instagram at Adrienne Cyberspace.
It's not that exciting. I'm Sylvan Oswald and I'm a playwright and I also make performance text and books, publications, videos, and yeah, I have an Instagram thing and I have a website thing, so the website, you can Google me. Sick. Great.
Well, thank you guys for being here. This is our eighth episode, so relatively new podcast. God, we've talked about so much in here.
Feel free to get as wild as you want. It's crazy. Whatever.
Yeah, it's 9 a.m. It's 9 a.m.
Typically when I go crazy. We're all chugging coffee to wake up.
Cool. So yeah, usually we start off, what are some tales from your own individual closets? Be whatever that means to you. Well, the way you say individual closets I think is interesting to me because I feel like at least as someone who kind of came out a little later in life, you're kind of in multiple closets because I'm from New York but I started transition when I was living out here. There was a very long time where I was like out to and living one way in Los Angeles and then I'd go home to New York and I'd be, and so I have a big family, kind of been coming out to them in stages. Fun fact, I actually finally came out to my parents on like Sunday.
This Sunday. This Sunday, yeah.
Oh my God. Thank you. I did it for the antidote. I was like, I need something to talk about on the show. You did it for the podcast. Yeah, I did it for the podcast. Thank you. Best reason to come out for a podcast.
But no, it was like a long time coming but I still had those little detours back into my old life whenever I would go home and parents were very cool, it's like there's work to be done but the cool thing is they're there to do the work and they're on board and, you know, so work to be done but I feel like I'm excited that there's like kind of detours back into that, that individual closet are done. Yes. Oh God, that's so great. You really cleaned out your closet. Yes. Yeah. Cool.
Adrienne and Eve. Oh, Tails from the Closet. I have a lot but my brother actually, he came out before me. He's a year older than me. He came out probably seven years before me and I accidentally outed him and that totally sucks.
Oh, how did that happen? Well, I was, you know, I found Google searches but they were not, you know, they weren't freaky, you know, they were stories of gay people coming out and I was like, and I don't know why. It was kind of a homophobe when I was 13 and I was like, are you gay?
He's like, no, no, no, no, no. And whatever, he came out like a few months later and we're all good. We're solid.
He's the first person I came out to but I was just remembering this. He would hang out in like the girl's bathroom at school, just like shoot the shit with the girls, you know? And he told me one day, he's like, there's this girl and they're talking about how much she had a crush on you. And I was like, ew, what? Who was it? I ended up being friends and I would like, I had a sleepover at her house once and I was like, she would always tell me how hot I was.
I wasn't. It was not hot. And I made sure that we slept on opposite ends of the bed and the next year she was dating like the really hot butch basketball player. Oh my God. Nothing happened. That's really interesting though.
It's so, I kind of felt the same way because you try to put distance between yourself and queer people when you're not ready to be out. And then I made the hard switch to like super ally, like I'm not queer but I'm just such an ally. I just want to only hang out with those people and I want to kiss them and I want to be with them forever.
Get a house together. That's how big of an ally I am. I'm inside a mortgage.
Yeah. And Sylvan? Oh yeah. And I think I might have forgotten to say my pronouns which are he, his, him. Yes. Sorry about that.
God, you know, I was not in the closet. So I sort of had two coming outs. I came out. Well, when I was like 14, I was kind of a little bit too scared to come out as gay. So I came out as bi and then I came out as, I didn't really come out as gay at any point because I was like, I don't like any of the words that I have access to.
Like I am not a lesbian. I am not gay. I am not like those.
It just felt like the different generation to me, even though the word queer hadn't quite come back yet. But I was like, I just was sort of like, I'm a date woman a date and you guys are going to deal with it. Yes. Amen. I don't know. I mean, my parents, my parents had a little bit of a like, you know, sniffle, emotional moment when I was like a 14 year old. But then I didn't come out as trans until I was 30. So it's never too late. Yes.
That's what we talk about in here so much is like, there's no such thing as late. Like, let's get rid of that kind of like concept.
And so like for me, the closet, it was more that in terms of trans stuff, it was like, I didn't even know what trans was. Like I had not heard about it. It didn't exist in my little area outside of Philadelphia. Or if it did, it was completely invisible to me. I only met like one gay person my whole childhood. Yes. And it was like some colleague of my dad's who came over once and nobody said anything.
But like in my little lizard brain, like later on, I was like, huh, who was that person? And why did they look so funny? I wasn't sure what. But that was like a lesbian person.
Yes. Drinking a grape smoothie or slurpee in my. And I like, I could never forget that detail because you know you're so desperate for anything, any information that makes you think of that Ring of Keys song. Fun Home, look it up. Oh my God. So like this little girl who's sitting in a diner with her father and this butch UPS person comes in and they don't know, the little child doesn't know that this person is queer or butch or anything. But they know that those keys are the sexiest thing their little like seven year old heart has ever seen. Yes. It is amazing. It is just like a genius lyrics from Lisa Krown. Yes.
Did you get really into grape slurpees? No, I did like the slurpee. I like to coke slurpee.
I did that too. My uncle was the only gay person in my life and he accidentally left behind like a bag, like a really like nice bag of keels face lotions and stuff like that. And I was obsessed with that. Like I begged my mom to be able to keep it because he lived like out of state. And like I would use like toner and aftershave. And I was just like, I don't know why I'm so obsessed with Rick, but I want to be just like him.
What will this cream do? Yeah, totally. But he just makes you gay.
I don't have like a ton of closety stories except for just like an endless supply of tales of crushes on straight girls. Oh, you know what I mean? Like that, I mean, that's basically and the closet was only defined by my inability to express that, you know, otherwise I don't think I was so much hiding myself as I was definitely just like not talking about it, but I didn't feel like I was hiding. It was. I love what you said though about not having the words available to you. Yeah, I mean, I was like, I think about it a lot. Like I grew up in the mid nineties and I don't think I heard the word transgender until I was like, like in college or in life. But I remember I have this like really distinct memory of being in fourth grade. And you know, I was kind of like in like somewhat in touch with my feelings of who I was, but I didn't know how to express them. And I remember my fourth grade teacher, like I don't remember why, but she she went on some tirade about why I went to Catholic school. I don't know why. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but she was telling it was fourth grade and she was like telling the I remember the word gay came up in a in a poem and like it made one of the kids laugh and she's like, oh, why do you think that's so funny?
Do you think like do you think it means gay, like gay people who are men who want to be women? And like I was like, oh, is that what I am? And that like just screwed up my like understanding and because, you know, I was like, OK, I guess that means I'm gay. But then I when I learned more about like what what what what a gay person actually is, I was like, well, that's not me. And like it's just like I did not know how to define myself or oh my God. It was so weird. It's just like that one moment like but I feel like that one moment like like informed who I was and my understanding myself for like decades after that. The conflating of those two was like so popular.
No one knew anything about gay people. There was so little knowledge like especially I had like a really Christian upbringing to just like no one talked about it. No one was in this tiny town that was like actually queer and expressing themselves.
I mean, my only I feel like my only exposure to like like actual trans people in like the 90s was like watching the Jerry Springer show. And that was just treating them all as like circus as like a kind of like circus freak. And it was never like, you know, they were never like trans trans women or trans men. They were like, you know, I it was like I remember this one clip that I saw so many times of like, you know, a man getting a massage from this very attractive woman in the middle of it. She was like, I'm actually a man. And he like freaks out and like I was like, God, this is like what I have to like, I can't be that.
Yes. The immediate violence that it elicits in people in this like extremely like sexist society. Yeah. The gay panic defense is just so abominable. Like I can't even imagine how that could ever have been. I mean, of course. It's still in effect in certain states. Oh my God. It just really makes my brain explode. Totally.
I haven't heard the word transgender either, but any transness was never neutral growing up. The concept of transness was not a neutral or positive thing. Yes, totally. I actually have a memory of, actually, I think that I did meet a trans person in college, but nobody named him in that way.
Like I was in this class about acting scenes from Chekhov in particular. And there was this new student who was brought in, and the teacher was like, this is Joe, not his real name, but whatever. This is Joe, everybody.
And I was like, huh. Like there was just something about me that like about him and about my knowledge of gender, or my assumptions about gender, where I was like, somewhere in me I was like, I knew that I didn't see the secondary sex characteristics that would have like made that a bump-free introduction. But in my brain, there were these road bumps, where I was like, what's happening, what's happening?
And it was clear that Joe was gonna come into this class and play male parts. And I was like, oh, I hate Joe.
Yes, yes, yes. How dare they? Yeah.
I just took, I went to an acting class and ended up leaving halfway through because all of the scripts that they passed out were so like segregated. And it was like, women play Pam and men play Jim. I was like, oh, great.
Were you putting it on the office? It was an office-centric acting class to try to get on the office one day. And I hope, fingers crossed, I'm waiting for fallback for the office.
Greg Daniels, if you're watching. But yeah, my whole, I mean, as a player, it's something I have to encounter all the time.
Oh my God. Actually, what's funny, and talking about closet and like maybe in some ways how your work might be affected by your gender or sexual identity, some of the early plays that I started writing when I was in college were parts for girls to play boys. But I wasn't able to say like what was going on because of course I didn't know the word trans. Wow. And I had no idea. And somebody told me about this notion of pants roles, which is when, in opera, when girls play boys, sort of like in Twelfth Night where you hire the young woman to play a boy to be a courier to the woman you love so that it's actually this scene in which a girl just as a boy is seducing a woman on behalf of a man.
Yes. I mean, it's just like amazing. Or those of you who aren't aware of Twelfth Night, just watch She's the Man. It's a perfect recreation. Oh no. Did you know She's the Man claims that they're making a current Twelfth Night? Yeah. Oh, and when was that made? It was like fucking 2001. Watch that on a double bill with like 10 things I hate about you and all the 90s Shakespeare high school comedies. That's excellent. Yes.
But yeah, and so it was just like, and then it wasn't until like a mentor later on was like, what are you doing with that? Because you know, the convention is that that would be revealed. Like if you're doing that, the whole point of pantsrolls is that you find out that the girl's not really a boy.
She's a girl all along. And now she can marry a man. Yay.
You know, and I was just like, I'm not doing that. That's definitely not what's happening.
Yeah. How do I get the pantsrolls without the pantsroll? Yeah. So it took a while until I was like, oh, like now, but like here's my subconscious doing this for many, many years before I even knew what I was doing. Oh my gosh. I was like writing what I wanted to see for so long. Yeah.
Just like trans characters and sneaky care. Everything about being trans is so sneaky before you're able to like calm down and be like, no, this is just actually me. Like I don't need to sneak. And I feel like there's still so much of like that narrative, like if like imposed upon that like trans identities, there are like still accusations of it being like sneak, like you being sneaky or it's men trying to invade male spaces sort of trap.
Yes.
Um, but like, but I do so relate to that kind of, you know, finding yourself through a performance. Um, I, I, my first steps towards just like presenting, you know, as myself were, were in comedy. I was like, just like, I'm going to write a bunch of female characters for myself for, for like some reason. So like, I was just do, you know, I pretty much any excuse, I just got to the point that any comedy show I was doing, any, any performance I was doing was an excuse to like, you know, play, you know, play a woman. And, you know, eventually I think people just like, one of the big reasons I came out, just cause like people like kind of were like, you're like playing, you're playing women a lot. And I'm like, probably at some point, it just got too obvious to like, to like hide anymore.
But the, I'm just staying in this wardrobe.
I'm ready for the next. Yeah, you know, next week.
Yeah. I remember like being in like, like shows after and just like staying in costume after my, after my sketch, my performance, and like dudes coming backstage and being like, oh, you know, you can like take that off, right? And I'm like, yeah, fucking no. Yeah, I didn't know. I'm aware that this comes off. Perceived as funny that you were a man in. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I, I always like, I, I, I, the very least, I think I always drove to, you know, be like the funniest, I never wanted to make like the funny thing about the performance like that. I was, you know, male body in, uh, in like female clothing. I never, like, I never wanted the joke to be like, at least at the time, like, oh, that's a man playing a woman. I always drove to like, write like fuller, full characters whose game it was funny.
But like, it's, it's tough. I mean, it's tough being in like the sketch comedy world because that is still such a shorthand for like, this is what's funny. Yeah, you still watch SNL and that's like a full sketch. And you're like, cool. Kenan's in drag again. It's like, let's get past this. Yeah. And so, you know, I, and I still perform. I still love sketch. I still love performing characters and you know, it's still, you know, I, I'm, I'm on HRT and I'm, I'm transitioning, I still, you know, people who see me, if people see me take the stage, if they don't know me, I think sometimes their first instinct will be like, I'll just get laughter going out on stage and I'll like, I'll always know that's like, oh, that's like the laughter of like, oh, here's a man playing a woman. But I don't know. Yeah, it's, it's my, my always, my hope is always to like get, you know, get over that wall and be like, no, this is like a funny, this is funny for a million other reasons. Yeah, totally. I feel like, yeah, sometimes you're like, maybe people just need more time.
It is really interesting with this podcast, talking to people queer coming out of the closet and then talking to people who are trans and coming out of the closet. And that just the leaps and bounds ahead queerness is like in the public consciousness of like understanding. It's like, oh yeah, I came out of the closet and I've been okay for a really long time in who I want to date, but in who I want to be. I'm like, this is a very recent thing and like so confusing.
I'll say one thing, which is like, you know, I teach at institutions, universities, I teach at UCLA right now. And when I, but, but my other function as a playwright is that I'm, my other workplace is the American theater, which is this huge national diffuse cloud of humans who are in all of these major metropolitan areas and all little places as well. And so to come out in public, like the first year that I was coming out in my career, like I already had a career by the time I was coming out as trans. And so it was this year where I had two productions that was like a pretty, like one of the biggest years for me. And so I was like, okay, I'm going to do this. And I had both of those productions under my new name when that was happening.
And so it was like all this, because I knew all this press was going to go out. And I was like, this is a great opportunity for like everyone to get the memo. And then, but then I'm like, oh my God, everyone's getting the memo. Like I'm literally having like a press release put out in an incognito like Trojan horse press release for like, and also like, I know it's so weird. And like, you know, you read on these trans message boards about like, how do you come out at work and like, you tell your boss and then your boss sends an email and then it's like done.
And that was just like, oh no, no, not in this day and age.
Like we have so many are, and I think it's true because of social media as well. There's so many people whose, whose workplace is this diffuse national. Yeah, totally international.
I remember like two or three years ago when I was for, when I like, you know, first really started transition. I did a, I did an interview. I had written a book and I was, I did like an interview for like NPR and like, and then immediately I was like, oh shit, like people are going to like, see like see and hear this and like, and like immediately and like, just like immediately I was like, well I know who's googling me because I, the day or two after I got like a string of emails from like, from like the first sibling I ever came out to was a, a sister who just like stumbled upon that, that interview on npr.com. And she was like, just let you know, like I'm cool and like proud of you. But it was still like just funny to be like, oh, like God, like I just, I just informed so many people about this. Yeah, totally. I remember when I came out, I came out to like a bunch of people kind of like rapid fire, not even drunk, but just like tired.
I don't know. It's like different at Christian university.
Like you stay up so late, you're loopy and it feels like you're drunk. So I can't even like blame it on alcohol.
But I just told everyone at once just like, I think I might be gay. And then the next morning waking up was just like, okay. Like, let's go find out what everyone feels about this. Like, is it gonna feel weird? That's what happened. Like this Sunday, like literally came, like I went home with the intention, this was my like going home to come out to my parents trip. It was like there for the entire weekend, didn't do it. And then I just got like, I got like, I got pretty drunk at my sister's St. Patrick's Day party. And then when we got home, I was just like finally fuck it. Mom, dad, I've got something to tell you. Yeah, but yeah, alcohol helped. And then you wake up the next morning, you're like, oh, I did something. Let's see how everyone feels about this now.
Yeah, how did you guys all come out to people close to you? I started, I told friends, mostly women first, for some reason, even though all the, everyone, no one really cared. But I called my mom when I had an actual girlfriend. And I think alcohol helped her that night.
She thought, okay, so I called her up and she didn't answer. And she didn't answer, so I left it in a voicemail.
Go, hey, you've been pestering me about, you know. I haven't met any boys at college and I've been kind of avoiding you because I met someone, she happens to be a girl.
And then my mom calls back. My mom calls back, she goes, I thought you were about to tell me you were pregnant. Like the slow roll, like hey, I have something to tell you, mom.
Yeah, oh my God. And was she upset or? She was like, okay, glad your brother broke the ice first.
I'm gonna open some wine.
I love you, just wanted you to be happy. Okay, bye. Aww. That's so cute.
I told my mom over the phone too. Yeah, it's, I mean, you gotta do it somehow. Yeah. Two for two, two for two for her. Yeah, same, we both have that in common.
I kind of wish I had that. I'm jealous. I want a queer sibling. I know, it was so, so gorgeous.
I have, my sister Bridget is lesbian and yes, it was, she did a lot of work to pave the way for this. Her and Will and Grace, my mom. My mom, honestly, yes, my mom's acceptance of queer people just has so much to do with she got obsessed with Will and Grace.
No way. Yeah, 100%.
That show, whatever your feelings about it are, that show very positively affected my mom. My mom used to, we weren't allowed to watch it because it glorified the gay lifestyle, which now, looking back, my mom was telling that to two gay people.
It's like, hey, great job. And then you're like, they're going out tonight, let's watch Will and Grace. Yeah, exactly, hopefully. I was secretly recording it on VHSs and acting like nothing was happening to watch when she was at Jazzercise. Excellent.
How did you come out to people close to you? The coming out as bi, queer, whatever, as a kid was one thing to tell them and then another thing to be like, hey, you know that friend who's been sleeping over visiting from out of town? That we were, well, we just broke up, but we were together and they were like, my dad was really pissed about that because that, to him, felt like dishonesty. Like, you're taking advantage of our, you know, whatever, hospitality and house to have sleepovers and you know that if that person, if we perceived that you'd be in a sexual relationship with that person, we wouldn't have let you have those sleepovers. And I was like, you're right. That was a little sneaky, right? My trans coming out was a little more emotional and intense because I was engaged to be married to a woman and I had been feeling weird and concerned, you know, there were some things that were happening that for me were red flags about the impending date and I was like, and so I had to really do some searching and get a therapist and who was amazing, I highly recommend therapy.
Yeah, amen, therapy. We have the same therapist. We do!
But yeah, I had to work on it to figure it out. And yeah, and so I ended up telling my parents on the phone in the context of, we're gonna push pause on this wedding. So it was like heavy. So like, that's why I was like, it was a bit heavy and I mean, at the end of the day everybody was supportive, but you know, and I think it also, we did that because we were scared.
I mean, as you were saying earlier, it's just like being in the place of not knowing, not understanding, not having enough information, your head can get filled with misinformation or just fantasies or fears, anxieties, all kinds of things that don't need to be, which are not necessarily everyone's experience. They're like the worst case scenario or they're the way it was a long time ago, but no longer. It's kinda like when there's so little information, the most like salacious information floats to the top and that's what everyone knows about and they're like, you know, if you're trans, you might be a prostitute. I don't know, like the things that my mom is like afraid of is I'm like, we're talking about like night and day different things going on and let's talk about them in their own, you know, areas. Or when people are like, oh, if you take tea, testosterone, you're gonna get all violent and and it's just like, no, you guys. Like if you had an anger management problem before, it's just not going away.
You know what I mean? It's like, or you're more free to express it and then, okay, then go to therapy. But like, I felt so the same. Really? Except for the little parts of my brain that were like, you know, I had second puberty and I was like, I'm attracted to everything, you know? Yeah.
Wait, I'm so curious about that because I have friends who start tea and then talk about almost just like sexist behavior as like, and then the tea made me, you know, and I'm like, this sounds like a cop out. Is this an excuse I can use now? I don't know what you get away with being on estrogen, but let me know.
You just have to work twice as hard. Welcome to your new workload.
I just feel like I have a couple friends on tea who all of a sudden like, she's so fucking hot is like a normal thing that they say and I'm just like, where did this come from? Where did this like wild, rabid you come from? Yeah, the inappropriate, objectifying show of the mystic. Yeah, but I have plenty of friends on tea who seem exactly the same, like more themselves than ever.
So I'm like, let's cut it out. Yeah, let's not be jerks. Yeah, great.
Well, yeah, let's talk about, I feel like this episode is perfect for it, public restrooms, love them, hate them. Mostly hate them for me, but... Yeah, I think I go on record and say like, they are scary, like the public restroom riddle is always, it's always new, it's always refreshing itself. It's like, where am I? Do I feel safe going in by myself?
It's like, yeah, it's, I don't know, it's hard. Yes. Well, I was promised thunderclouds before. Yeah, we cut them, we cut them.
I'm cis and I still have, I have issues in public restrooms sometimes. With people wondering why you're in there. Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of androgynous, like I was kind of androgynous, whatever that means. I was like skateboarding and I went into a public, a public restroom at the public library and there was another androgynous person in there and this woman was looking around just like, she got really freaked out, like ran out, ran back in, like where am I? I was like, you're, we're in the right restroom, you're super rude, but as a cis person, like, you know, it's pretty easy for me.
Yeah. I feel like as someone in the middle, it's easy for me too, because I'm just like, yeah, fuck it, I'm here. Yeah.
But there are times where I think like, I'll go into like a men's restroom and like trying it out as you're just supposed to kind of like live how you want for like a while to kind of test the waters and it's fucking terrifying. And also filthy, but like, it's just like, okay, I don't, the preciousness around restrooms is so like unbelievable to me.
Yeah. Oh, hello. Oh, yes.
So many freaked out ladies. I was starting to fantasize that you and the other androgynous person should have started like a like kind of like thriller dance number to try to scare her. That would have been like Mary Kate and Ashley.
Yeah. Oops, I did it again. Yeah.
So yes, before I transitioned, I would definitely I, you know, I wear a lot of button down shirts, not today, but or at that time I did. And I would constantly get women being like, what, what, what, like double take kind of thing. At that time before I'd had top surgery, I would just like turn around and be like, because I was like pretty big.
You know, read him and weep, you know. But then it got better, you know, and I think I started, you know, the men's rooms was definitely scary. And I would do all this research of like, okay, what do people online say it's like going to the men's room and like, what do you do?
And then there are all these people that were like, nobody looks at each other. So don't look at each other. Like, don't, you know, and then of course, everyone's looking at each other being like, hey, what's up?
Like, hey, chief, like that, like all that shit that guys say to each other. Like I get called brother, chief, oh God, some other stuff, captain. Oh, that's like weird, like seafaring terminology. What is this about? Are you at like marinas a lot? Yeah.
I'm always at the war. I'm always at the captain.
Yeah, I, I, one thing I love, I, you know, just like on a positive note, something I'd stress is that like, uh, public restrooms are a place where I feel like cis allies for me, like really like are appreciated in common handy. Just having someone to go to the bathroom with is, and like, I don't know if it feels like, oh, they're vouching for me or whatever, but like it is appreciated. And I actually have a, uh, like my best friend, um, I can, I can say someone's full name if I'm going to tell like a nice, uh, you know, Kate Raft, uh, my best friend, like she, when we, when I was like, you know, uh, when I was kind of like first, like, you know, steady stepping my toes into the, the waters of like, you know, using the women's restroom, uh, like we would go to like Disneyland, which is like Disneyland is like a tariff, like kind of like a terrifying place to use public restroom anywhere.
That's like, think of the children. It's like going to be Disney land. And you know, it's not like a lot of LA you feel like you feel like these are safe, like open-minded people. Like Disneyland is just like people from all over the world, all over the country, all the world, you don't know, you know, you just don't feel safe.
Uh, and she kind of started this, uh, system for me where like, I would like run into the bathroom and she would like, and this is when I was first like very uncomfortable with it, but she would like, she would get two paper towels, one with like soap and water on it. And then it was just water on it. So like, I didn't have to like stop at the bathroom to like wash my hands and I could just like really quickly do it and get out of there.
Um, it was a very amazing. Yeah. Kate, I want to meet you. Everybody. She's amazing. Everyone wants to meet her. Um, but yeah, it's like, just have like, that's a place where I feel like having an ally, like being an ally like that is just like so wonderful and appreciated.
Um, and it's even, I don't like, I believe the own, I'm, I'm, I think like the only like gender neutral restrooms that, uh, at Disneyland just got like shut down because they were in the middle. They were in the, I'm, I'm probably wrong about this, but the one that I, I would say the gender neutral bathroom that I always use at California adventure, which is in a bugs land got shut is gone now because they're building Marvel land. And all I know, all I hope is that like, you know, Avengers tower, like when that opens, like Disney Avengers tower better have some fucking gender neutral bathroom.
Yes, they better. Cause like, you know, well there, there's so I want to talk about this.
There's an app. There are a number of apps out there.
I don't have their names on me, but if you Google it, uh, you can find gender neutral bathrooms on a map, uh, which is so helpful. And then also I guess Yelp just added a feature where you can find gender neutral or single stall bathrooms.
And it's like, I don't know. Yeah. A single stall is absolutely preferred. Mm-hmm. Absolutely not gender segregated all gender neutral, like big bathrooms. I'm kind of like, okay, like maybe that is the future, but I've just, I don't know.
Ali, as Ali McBeal prophesied. Yeah, exactly. As Ali McBeal once foretold.
Has you guys ever been to those airport ones that are like family changing rooms? Yes. But the ones they have the, um, disability friendly push button door.
So like you push the button and then like in like, this is very tells from the crypt. Like it opens really slowly. And then you're like, okay, here I am. The person going into the gender neutral bathroom. And then you stand in there and you're like, all right, I'm trying to close the door. And you can't close the door because it's operated by this hydraulic. So then you have to push the button again. And then you're standing there like, what's going on? And it's like, and you're just like, everyone's, you're like, yes, I'm waiting for the door to close on the gender neutral bathroom. You're like trying to hide like behind it.
Your chains in the schools. I'm like helpful, but not helpful. Yeah, exactly.
On my theme park. Has anyone ever used the bathrooms at Hogwarts in uniform?
Because when you go into the women's room, I don't know if it's the same in the men's room, but if you go into the women's room, they have like an ad, they have like audio of like moaning Myrtle, like just like yelling at you. And you're like, oh, this is not what I need as like, I'm already uncomfortable. I don't need like a woman's voice yelling behind you.
What are you doing? What are you doing here?
Yeah. I mean, I'm sure it's a fun experience for, for all you Harry Potter kids. It's like, it's like you sis Harry Potter kids. Yeah. My college had one. Really?
Had a ghost in the gender neutral bathroom. College had a moaning. Moaning ghost.
You went in Portland, right? I went in Portland, which was, you know, progressive.
And there was a general neutral bathroom, but it was really far away. It was like fourth floor on some random building. It's like an outhouse.
Yeah. Oh, we got you covered.
It's a porter potty. Honestly, though, I would probably take a porter potty most of the time, if it was like kind of clean.
If you could avoid. That's dark. Impossible harassment.
Yes, exactly. Yeah. Shit in the bush. Okay, great. Let's move on to our gorgeous question. Yes.
Our first question today comes from Clara, age 17. Clara writes, I live in a really conservative town in the South. I also attend a pretty religious high school.
I've always counted down the days until I could just get out of here, but I wonder sometimes if quote, running away is not necessarily a great thing for the community. For example, if I came out now or even if I came back to this town after college, I could help affect change and make my community better for young people like me. But at the same time, it would be much safer and less stressful for me to live in a city where queerness is accepted. To what extent do you think it's my responsibility to work with my own hometown to try to make things more accepting, or is it okay for me to just beeline out of here without ever looking back?
Bounce. You don't need to save the world first. You need to be safe and come out and figure out who you are. You're 17 years old. And then if you feel like you want to go back to your town and enact change, like do it, you know, do your thing first, I think. Yeah, right. Put on your oxygen mask first. Do not sacrifice yourself for future people at this juncture.
Like yes, later, sure. But I absolutely agree with that, that it's so important to just preserve your mental health and put yourself in positive situations where you can, that are affirming who you are and giving you an opportunity for community and friendship and positive relationships. That's the most important thing. And I would also tell them to like, keep in mind that wherever they are, wherever they go and whatever they do, like living there as their authentic selves, it's going to create like ripples and they may be like small ripples, but they are ripples that will eventually like, you know, get back to these smaller, you know, wherever they're from, places of the world. So, you know, just like, don't be somewhere that's going to like, you know, put like shackles, like restrain your authentic self. Be wherever you can be that and, you know, you will affect change. Totally, totally. I feel like as in the closet, you don't even really know what you're about to go through as you come out and find yourself and really bloom. I feel like right now you're a bud, you know, and like you're not going to enact any change. Like get out there. Find some like fertile soil for you. Yes, exactly. Plant yourself in. Fully. Yeah. But if that's... Oh, I was just going to say, I love what you're saying about like, you never know who you're going to impact. That like, just like I told that anecdote before about that UPS person in the Ring of Keys song from Fun Home, that musical Fun Home, and that is just such a great example of like, just walking through the world as yourself. You're going to inspire little kids and whoever it is that needs to see you. And that people from your hometown will hear about you probably and they will cherish that little shred of information and it will be a lifeline to them without you even coming back yet. Totally, yes. Which you can do later on. It's not a cop-out to move to a big city and get to fully experience who you want to be, you know. Yeah, totally. And I think it's lovely if that desire is in your heart to give back to the community, like you're not going to be able to fight that. Like, you'll be doing something for your community no matter where you are. Yeah. Okay, next up.
I feel like being in the closet also led me to being closed off about a lot of other things. Can you talk about ways in which being closeted affected your lives that aren't directly related to your gender or sexual orientation? I guess I'll go again. I feel like when I came out, it was the hardest thing about me to accept. And so by coming out, everything else seemed easier. So I think that just affected my confidence positively in pretty much every facet of my life. And now I'm doing things I never thought I'd do.
Like, you know, I play music. Yeah. You know, I'm in a band. Yeah. A few bands.
It like made you braver. Yeah, it made me more in touch with myself just by presenting a big secret to a lot of people. Yeah, totally. I guess I would say, you know, one place that I really feel like being in the closet had a negative effect on me was kind of my, honestly, my kind of creativity in my writing before I came out, you know, I would always write about such abstract, fantastical stuff that really had nothing to do with me. Not to say that, you know, my writing doesn't incorporate elements of that now. But I was putting none of my actual self into my work. And now that I can do that, now I can explore more facets of myself because I'm open about it in my work. I feel my writing has gotten better and it's more personal and more. And just by being, you know, more personal, I think it's more interesting. It's a voice that, you know, people, not a lot, you know, I don't wanna, it's a voice that maybe some people haven't heard and like, I don't know, just, I guess what I'm saying is just, you know, being able to put yourself out there and, you know, really be yourself in whatever creative endeavor you're doing, I think it's so vital.
Totally. And I couldn't do that until like I kind of accepted this part of myself. Yeah, I almost, I feel the same way. And I feel like I saw, especially like any sort of like romantic movie, I never saw myself in it. I just very much pictured myself on the outside of like, what, you know, you might write about. And same thing, I never wrote romances or something that had me in it. And then finally like taking up my own space and being like, no, I can experience this as well and this is what it looks like. I felt like I had something to say. Yeah. I mean, I think the biggest thing was the writing stuff that I talked about earlier.
But I also think that my relationship with my body changed completely because I mean, it's such a huge difference to be inside a body that you hate and feel so uncomfortable inside of and never want anyone to see or look at versus like suddenly I have a body that's closer to the thing I imagine myself to have and I'm going to the gym a lot and I'm getting muscles and I'm doing my thing and I'm like, you know, I'm just like so relieved. And to be able to wear a t-shirt without a million layers and underneath that make me feel sweaty and gross and not breathe. It's just been such a relief and I still have those issues that are not gone, like 30 some years with those issues that don't go away overnight.
But, you know, it's certainly much, much better. I mean, of course, yeah.
Oh no, it's like having that body that you feel, like you don't like and you feel, or at least I didn't like my body and that made it almost impossible for me to think that anyone else would want, you know? So it made intimacy and just being in a relationship like next to impossible for me. It's something I just, I couldn't see myself in. It's like I don't deserve this and like you said, it doesn't all go away overnight but I feel for the first time in my life I'm getting to a place where I can be in, you know, I can see myself in more long-term romantic relationships. I can accept the fact that, you know, someone could love my body the same way I do.
Yes, totally. Oh God, I love this section. It's my favorite part. Okay, great.
What do you think about terms like dude or you guys that are supposedly gender neutral as one tweet I read put it, they can't be truly gender neutral because a straight man wouldn't say I just had an awesome date with a dude or a guy when referring to a singular woman. Thoughts, does this type of language matter? It feels kind of personal, like if it matters to you. I don't know. I mean, I'm sensitive to what other people would want to be called. And I mean, I think dude, it's not so much that we wouldn't use it to refer to a cis woman or a woman in general but I think it's more like it's casual. Yeah. And it's like, would you refer? I don't know.
I do, at least with dude, I do feel like there are different like versions of the word dude. I will say like I have like just in general try to get out of, even though I still slip into it, get away from in any kind of like group setting saying guy, you guys, like try to refocus on like saying, hey, I'm like y'all or like everybody. But yeah, like, I mean, for me, it really goes like person to person. Like I can tell the difference between someone, I have friends who, I have close friends who just call, you know, they call everybody dude and when they call me dude, it's like it's just like the same term of endearment that they would use on any of us. And then there are like, you know, there are people who like will use the word dude and I can kind of tell it's like, it's a slight undercutting. It's, you know, I've gotten off stage, I've like, you know, gotten off stage before at shows where I've told like stories about, you know, like storytelling shows where I've talked about being trans and my experiences and there'll be like, you know, men afterwards who will be like, you know, like great story dude or like when they do like, oh, awesome job, man. That's just like, okay, you, that's just like completely like, but so like for me, like, dude, I almost take on a like person by person basis. Yeah, I am guilty of using these words pretty often.
I've been trying to use y'all more, but I'm like, that one feels weird too because I'm not from Texas. Yeah. Y'all, what are y'all doing? Yeah. I do say you guys a lot and I'm trying not to. Yeah, dude and man, I feel like was like part of my like identity for so long. Like I'm chill. I say what's up, man, you know, like, but yeah, I guess it's just another case of the language not being there yet. I mean, on the other hand, I, as we were talking about this, I was like, I mean, I do say y'all but like sort of with air quotes without making the air quotes. That's like a special dance. I don't know.
But the, when people saying ladies in a group I was a part of before I came out as trans was such a big piece of information for me. Every time someone did that, I was just, so I started to become very angry.
Yeah. And like, don't they see me sitting here? Yes. And they'll be like, well, well, you're still like, what? You know, and I'd be like, but I'm not the same. You know what I mean? And I would get so mad and then eventually I was like, all right, I just got to, I got to do something that would make that impossible for someone to say. Yes. Because it was bothering me so much. That is what I feel like right now. I feel like I'm being pushed into a much more masculine presentation because ladies and hey women, or you know, it's just like so grating to me. Yeah. And I'm just like, okay, so I have to like really like lean super hard in one way to be like legible to the world. Yeah. That's, it's so sad to like, to be like, I'm being pushed. Yeah, exactly. Man. Yeah. Am I being pushed or am I pushing myself honestly? Yeah.
I mean, just like that idea of, you know, how much I'm still someone who has to do a lot of work to get the world to, you know, gender me correctly. Like, you know, and like it's, you know, and as much as I love, you know, you know, the way I present and I love my, you know, my makeup regimen and I love my, my, my, my, my outfits right now. Like there are mornings where it's just like, fuck, like, I like, I wish I could just like roll out of bed and not have to like, you know, I wish I could like go to the gym and, and, you know, not have to worry about this stuff. So, you know, it's like, if I'm, if I'm not dressed like this, I'll, you know, I still get third. I still get, you know, I don't know.
Yeah. It put, there's, I think Sam Jay, you guys know that comment? Yes.
She's amazing. And she has a whole joke that where she's like, I don't even know if this is the kind of lesbian I am. Like, she's like really masculine. She's like, I think I've just been pushed this way. Like, so funny.
Great. Well, yeah, let's wrap it up. Let's do you guys have a, where can people find you?
They've now listened to you for a whole hour. They're absolutely in love with you.
Where can they find more? You can find me on Instagram or Twitter or more on Instagram. I barely use my Twitter, but I under, Joan Haley Ford, you can also, I wrote a book a couple of years ago called killing it. You can find that just go on Amazon.
She's for killing it. Joan Ford.
And also I have a, I wrote on a show for coming out on Cartoon Network in the next couple of months. We don't have a release date yet, but should be sometime this summer. It's called Thundercats roar. So look for my name on that in a couple of months.
Nice. You can just find me on that Instagram, Adrian cyberspace on Instagram, or just you might find me playing some rock and roll show rock and roll show on a stage near you. Yeah.
Do you have a tour? I don't know when this will come out. Maybe in like a month. Will you be on tour? I'll be on tour in a month with, with Sesame US US headline tour.
Hey.
Um, I have, well, my website has links to a bunch of my projects. One thing folks might be interested in as I did a web series a couple of years ago called outtakes, which is a lo fi mock doc, semi improvised web series about two trans guys making a web series in my bedroom. Um, and it's based on the genre of the transition video. So we started messing around with those and then started like fictionalizing a narrative within them. Um, so check that out.
And I, um, I did, uh, you could call it sort of a graphic novel, but it's more of like an art book thing. Uh, it's called high winds. It was published by X artists books. And, um, yeah, it's a pretty cool thing if you're into design and kind of language and stuff.
Oh my gosh. Cool. Well, thank you so much. Thank you everyone for listening.
I hope you have a great week and, uh, hit us up. Please submit questions. If you have anything, let us know.
If you want to sign your name and age, love it paints a picture, but if you're not comfortable with it, no worries. Okay. Bye. Hi, it's me, Allie. Did you like that sketch?
Well, you should think about joining dropout. You can look us up on the discord server and we can chat all the time. It's kind of like we're neighbors.
Who's Mr. Rogers? I've never heard of him. Weird. |
cracked | how_the_defense_industry_lit_a_trillion_dollars_on_fire_cracked_explains | Hi, I'm Alex Schmidt and United States defense spending is like the Hulk a heroic force constantly rampaging out of control Defense spending is important. It's also emotional so emotional It bombards our politicians like gamma rays turning those Ivy League friendliness bots into rage monsters turning their brains off and flipping Rhetorical cars at each other just look at this debate from 2012 Our Air Force is older and smaller than any time since it was founded in 1947 our Navy is smaller now than any time since 1917 That's right Mitt Romney's take on defense spending was to say Barack Obama a man who receives daily intelligence briefings straight up forgot We need planes and boats you mentioned the Navy for example, and then we have fewer ships than we did in 1916 well governor. We also have fewer horses and bayonets We had these things called aircraft carriers where planes land on them We have these ships that go underwater nuclear submarines. Yep President Obama claimed Governor Mitt Romney a man smart enough to organize an Olympics goes around modern America thinking we live in musket times As if mitt's some kind of powdered wig and cino man That is not an actual debate, which is a shame We need a practical talk about our defense budget because it's out of control Crucial to our economy and too big to fail or protect us in 2016 the Defense Department had a budget of five hundred eighty one billion dollars, which is a number and without context That number can't mean anything. Oh Hi context. Ah, okay the calories here so five hundred eighty one billion dollars The United States outspends the world's next seven or eight highest defense spenders combined We spend three times as much as the rest of our NATO allies combined security wise America is basically teamed up with itself Projecting the world's biggest Air Force and biggest Navy worldwide with ten Nimitz class super carriers supported by hundreds of US military bases Dotting the globe and the competition's shrinking the world's next two biggest military spenders China and Russia have one aircraft carrier apiece far fewer bases and are cutting their military spending Which means America can sit back pat itself on the back and our military is a disaster Every weapon system has been gutted. He's more interested in funding Planned Parenthood that he isn't funding the military Oh freak out all the time. Let's freak out all the time You thank you again horse word for one thing Planned Parenthood's 2016 federal funding totaled five hundred twenty four million dollars And since our 2016 military budget was five hundred eighty one billion dollars that makes our current government literally 1000 times more interested in funding the military But I don't mean to pick on Marky rubes on the frowny bunch except with that name I just said obviously nice hat but politicians on both sides of the aisle hate current attempts to cut the defense budget cuts known as The sequester which I know is a very boring name It sounds like something medieval peasants would call a scuba diver What it actually is is a gradual spending cap It was signed into law in 2011 put into effect in 2015 and totally ignored by the Pentagon's overseas Contingency operations fund a new fund with billions of extra military spending that the sequester can't limit the Obama administration Fought a veto battle to end that fund that failed and led to a new budget deal Which lets defense spending grow if non-defense spending grows too since then military spending's gone above the plan sequester limit every year Which means it's not a limit the Pentagon killed it.
They won Operations spending freedom my joke name for a real Pentagon mindset according to leaked Defense Department memos the Pentagon plans congressional Negotiations as carefully as wars and they're that motivated because they need every dollar they can get to fill a desert with tanks more than 2,000 of them row upon row of m1 Abrams tanks that report was from 2012 those tanks The government bought weren't useful to the government's army yet last year's military budget bought 120 million more dollars worth of Abrams tanks And this year the military wants another 558 million in tank bucks Even though the military is running a permanent military equipment garage sale They're selling off everything from body armor to armored vehicles and their buyer is America's local law enforcement as C Covel pointed out for cracked. That's how Eau Claire, Wisconsin the 9th largest city in America Just kidding the 9th largest city in Wisconsin That's how a tiny cheddar worst village like Eau Claire got a military grade armored personnel carrier And we've known Wisconsin isn't a combat hotspot ever since it was designated a safe zone by senior u.s. Military analyst Bill Murray, we're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia. It's like going into, Wisconsin Why is our defense spending debate only about arming soldiers? Why doesn't it include that food chain of contractors selling arms to the military who ebay them to officer-friendly or what about the way? Defense spending helps determine whether you have a job Key thing up top here I'm not going to argue whether defense spending improves the economy Actual trained economists can't agree on that and I'm a comedian in a tie But I can say lots of parts of defense spending are domestic spending spending that impacts your life and family and town or at least somebody's town Defense spending creates American manufacturing jobs despite what you've been told about America We used to make s**t in this country Build s**t Don't even make this stuff here It's so hard to get When you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world, I don't know what the f**k you're talking about Well, guess what you crazy fictional characters Remember those abandoned desert tanks from before? One set of workers at one factory in Lima, Ohio, USA makes the s**t out of that And only they know how to do that If they get laid off, we lose our tank building infrastructure and we give an American town the Rust Belt treatment Vice News found a similar situation with the Bradley Fighting Vehicle manufactured in York, Pennsylvania People who build those have very specific skill sets that you don't find in the civilian market For example, ballistic armor welding And you have to take all of that account in order to reach the true number that you're looking at when you talk about shutting a line down Thanks for that, Mr. Spokesman for BAE Systems Wait, that company is called BAE Systems? Are they America's BAE? Are they the ones catching us sleeping? Anyway, what happens in York, PA and Lima, OH happens across America Every time America gives itself defense jobs The biggest example is the biggest job, the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter Memorize that name Also known as the F-35 Lightning II The Air Force pitched that fighter to Congress as something Lockheed Martin would build Lockheed is a giant defense company and Lockheed promised Congress This Joint Strike Fighter would create 125,000 American jobs across 46 US states So permission to build it zipped through Congress Because something that sprays a fire hose of cash at 92% of US states tends to do well in the Senate vote What else does defense spending do for your state? Well, companies like Lockheed bring in our allies' defense spending, too When an ally like Japan raises its defense budget every year for five years running Most of those dollars buy America Defense spending also leads to accidental inventions You might already know about NASA's indirect inventions We can thank our boys and girls in orange and the needs of their dope-ass space missions for inventing insulin pumps, water filters, better firefighting equipment, and more But nobody talks about it when the military does that same thing Like the US Navy researcher, who laid the groundwork for modern GPS helping you get someplace today Or the military lab dedicated to improving field rations Their research is why your grocery store has instant coffee, boxed mac and cheese, soft-baked cookies, and microwavable anything And don't forget the heroes at the Kimberly-Clark Company who tried to invent a better World War I bandage material and ended up inventing cellulite cotton The magic secret of sanitary pads and tampons US military spending improves daily life for anyone who lives in a US state, eats food, or knows a woman Which makes it an even bigger shame that so much of our military spending goes down the drain by the trillion The Joint Strike Fighter is the most expensive weapons system in human history The Air Force has wanted it since 1996 Lockheed Martin started building it in 2001 Their F-35 Lightning program will run up a tab of over one trillion dollars with a T across its lifetime And that numbers from after the military made major budget cuts They cut it down to over a trillion bucks What is this plane? A bank we're bailing out?
No! It is that basically no!
It makes sense that the Joint Strike Fighter costs money It's supposed to be the world's most advanced combat plane And be every combat plane all at once The Air Force wants Joint Strike Fighters to replace America's aging A-10 Warthog And its F-16s and F-15s, FA-18s, AV-8Bs These numbers mean nothing to you Let's put it in Star Wars terms, okay? Imagine the Joint Strike Fighter as one spaceship with the powers of an X-Wing Y-Wing, Star Destroyer, Slave One, every extended universe fanfic rocket And a ship that could somehow make the end of Force Awakens interesting If you can't imagine one spaceship doing all that Congratulations! You ought to be in charge of the Air Force America's decision to build a magic plane caused massive cost overruns Because magic is expensive Another expensive thing is a Pentagon strategy called concurrency Which they made Lockheed do Concurrency is a system where you start manufacturing planes before you're done test flying them So when test flights indicated stuff Lockheed needed to fix In their already built planes, going back and changing that stuff cost an arm and a leg It also made finished planes happen slower than the next Game of Thrones book Full scale F-35 production was supposed to start in 2012 Now they're aiming for 2019 And Air Force Lieutenant General Christopher Bogdan Who handled cutting the program's budget Says this all happened because the government screwed up their Lockheed contracts terms Quote In the development program we paid Lockheed Martin whatever it costs them to do a particular task And if they fail at that task then we pay them to fix it and they don't lose anything So the Pentagon gave Lockheed impossible instructions and a blank check Lockheed spent that check over and over again Till they finished a thing with wings on it And the result is advanced Alex said without excitement Every F-35 pilot will have a quote unquote magic helmet for flying their magic plane With gizmos like an external camera connection to show pilots what's underneath them And the F-35 systems run on 8.6 million lines of code It's so cutting edge the Marine Corps wants to outfit their joint strike fighters with laser weapons When I compared that plane to Star Wars you probably thought I was kind of kidding But I wasn't The F-35 is supposed to make America's pilots Luke Skywalker As soon as we say goodbye to our dumb old planes Like the A-10 Warthog A broken down piece of junk that keeps our ground troops safe better than any other plane According to independent analysts They say the Air Force hasn't thought through what will happen when the A-10 goes away Everybody from veteran senators to active foot soldiers Begged the Air Force to keep the Warthog flying And either way we don't have enough F-35s to switch over to The Pentagon plan to have 1013 working joint strike fighters this year As of April it had less than 20% of that And the F-35s we've got are comically unprepared for combat The F-35's been unable to fly in bad weather for most of its lifespan As of 2013 this plane named the F-35 Lightning could not fly within 25 miles of lightning This past May test pilots found out the F-35's systems randomly shut down During about a third of attempted test flights You know, while mid-air And the joint strike fighter can't fight other planes It's too packed with too many gizmos and special abilities To do its basic job of air to air combat Outside observers have been saying that since 2009 But Lockheed Martin rebutted those critics At the time They pointed to U.S. Air Force analyses that said the joint strike fighter was at least 400% more effective at air to air combat than any other plane on Earth But something changed Because by 2015, six years later The Pentagon admitted the joint strike fighter cannot dogfight And they got all huffy about the suggestion that the Pentagon ever said it could dogfight And nobody noticed Did we all get amnesia between Fast and Furious' 4 and 5? Why isn't anyone accountable for this plane not working? And why is the Air Force declaring their F-35s combat ready Even as the Marines and Navy say their F-35s need years more preparation?
The answer might be big government And unlike the big government our politicians fear Like NSA spying, free market regulation, and decent healthcare Programs like the joint strike fighter are big government nobody warns us about Remember, America built this joint strike fighter in 46 states It's the product of 15 years of development A budget bigger than most wars And 15 million dollars of Lockheed Martin congressional lobbying every year Remember when U.S. banks became too big to fail? A whole system dependent on those banks kept them afloat No matter what they wasted or sold And the system dependent on the joint strike fighter is bigger than big Dwight D. Eisenhower called that system the military industrial complex And he didn't hate that system As a general, he used it to put a boot in Hitler's ass And as a president, a few years later, he said this Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals So hey Americans, find out how your country arms itself Right now! Heck, this year your country's giving you a jump start As of a few weeks ago, Congress saved the question of whether to raise defense spending for after the election So in the meantime, let's make ourselves knowledgeable citizenry Who elect governments that don't let mistakes like that happen Because doing that is as simple as discovering the full I was hoping that fun context graphic would come back again Really, you know, really punctuate this Show's over, please vote! This Saturday, I'm going to be with the crack team doing the live podcast at the UCB theater sunset at seven o'clock We're gonna be talking about all kinds of crazy things It's gonna be so good that we haven't even come up with a topic yet Because I've filmed this way in the past But by the time you're watching this video, we will have a topic And it's gonna be great And I'm gonna be there |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_53_dan_sultan | It was actually quite nice of him to make the trip up here. He's got a lot on, he hasn't stopped recording albums for about 10 years. He is on the go. Right now he's about to launch something for us. This is Dan Sultan.
Hello. Thank you for joining us. It's my pleasure. It's hot.
Now Dan, you are a worldly musician in that you've spent a lot of time working and living right around the country. You did your time up in Cairns as a young boy. I have. I've lived in Cairns for a few years.
Brand new day. Obviously you set out a broom. Yep. Spent a lot of time in the Kimberley's. Yep. Lived in Darwin. Yep.
And mostly Melbourne. Melbourne. Bitcheroi's favourite son.
I don't know about that. We'll say that. Depends who you talk to I think. Depends what period as well. Yeah. I don't know. And now I'm actually in Sydney these days. Yeah right.
Sylvania Waters way. Close to Sylvania Waters. Sylvania Waters.
Yeah. Do you own a jet ski yet Dan? No but I actually went in and bought a lawnmower the other day from Sylvania Mowers. Which was, I mean if anyone who knows it, it's floor to ceiling stacked with whippersnippers and mowers. There's mowers about five deep out the front. Right.
And nothing's for sale. He wants to hang on to everything. There's a few things in there. I walked in and I said oh you know I'm looking for a mower and he said oh look I've got some new stuff here but you're better off waiting a couple of weeks and see if you know there'll be a second hand thing coming in and the new stuff isn't that good as far as you know quality but there'll be a good quality second hand one coming in and I go oh okay. And I sort of looked at one and I go so what's this one here and he said oh that's brand new but it's about a year old and I can do that for you know I think it was about 350 bucks you know which is still 350 bucks but it's not 800 bucks and I was like oh okay so is that just not a good quality one or something and he goes no that's great and I was like well can I have it then? He wasn't too keen on selling stuff either. Bit like a guitar salesman.
But he was great. He was you know loved his mowers. He had to replace the fuel line and my darling fiance reckons that he just wanted to work on it a bit before he got rid of it but yeah Sylvania mowers, a bit of a plug there, it was good. Don't expect to buy anything but I think if you've got a mower that needs servicing he's good for that.
You might not get it back though. It was a bit like that in the guitar stores I guess. There's a lot of people having to sell things they don't want to sell. Yeah absolutely. There's a guitar shop down in Melbourne, friends of mine run, there's a couple pretty close to each other, Music Swap Shop and Found Sound and I've had to convince my mate Louie at Found Sound to sell me a couple of things. It's like it's on the wall mate and well if you sell it to me then you know where it is you know and if I sell it I'll sell it to you and you know and there's this other one Swap Shop. I've actually got a couple of guitars in there. I've been going in there since I was a kid and yeah I mean I don't know if those guitars are going to sell any time soon. It's hard to find them and look it reminded me of the mower shop actually. The mower shop reminded me of the Swap Shop. There's a lot of stuff in there and they're reluctant to sell some of the stuff. You'd think they'd just be better off just having like a hire store you know like having like a Kennards hire but for guitars and um.
Or a museum you know. More to the point. Or it's online. A library. Not even. The guitar library. You can't take it. You can come in and look at it you know and you know donations accepted you know.
What are you rocking now? What kind of acts are you playing with now? Right now I've actually got one with me at the moment like as you mentioned I'm in the middle of a bit of stuff so I'm cruising around with one at the moment which is an old 1969 Fender Telecaster which is pretty special.
Just like what the boss used to use. The boss doesn't mind a telly yeah. I don't think there's anyone who doesn't mind a telly I mean they're pretty much just a nerd out a bit about it all they're straight up if you can't handle it on a telly then you know there's just nowhere to hide on a Telecaster it's just wood with some pickups and just straight up and they're just you know they're just pretty pure as far as an electric guitar goes and 69 is to really nerd out is sort of post CBS buyout of Fender and pre-CBS is more expensive and more collectible and considered a lot better and look in a lot of ways they are but the early CBS stuff sort of mid to late 60s is beautiful I can't afford anything from before that but I've got a couple of nice things from just after that and this Telecaster is yeah it's a good one it's nice now back to back albums 2017 2018 and now you've got a bit going on this year back to back to back yeah to back to back yeah doubling up this year doubling up this year yeah I got an album coming out we actually just dropped the first single the other day it's a cover song of Michael Kuanaka's Love and Hate which is a beautiful song to listen to and to sing at least it was before I got my hands on it yeah look there's Gillian Welsh Miss Ohio so there's a couple of covers on there but it's also it's just songs from my past catalogue so it's a new album but it's old songs so it's it's the lazy man's new album but you know we spoke to Paul Kelly never read of him late last year yeah you might as is the AFL player oh yeah no no it's Dan Kelly's uncle the the journalist Dan Kelly have an uncle yeah yeah yeah he's a musician of sorts and he had done a similar thing with them but you know those and slim dusty the same it's you know when you do that much song writing there's always a few ones that were there right there was always a few that you kind of wish you could have put him on somewhere and then you get them again yeah well these are songs that I'd released before but they're just done really stripped back you know I yeah played everything on the album now that sounds a bit more impressive than it is because there's not really much going on on the album but I've you know it's acoustic guitar with some nice sparkly electric there and some some percussion and here and there just little things here and there and also piano yeah I've I'm feeling really good these days and you know doing really well and really healthy and I mean in some rare form everything we did most things were done in one take but no more than two or three takes really yeah so I mean look that comes from years of knowing the songs you know and you just it's just you know instinct but also I don't want to make it sound like we were being lazy with it because you know if we got it if we didn't get a take that we like then we'd move them and keep trying you know it's just that we got those takes really early and most of the time we got it in the first one well you're pretty fresh right now you're looking pretty good I'm pretty fresh at the moment it's good feeling good I mean taking care of myself since about early June yeah for one reason or another and yeah doing really well happy healthy and productive I mean this album that we were just talking about it's called Avery takes it was done at the Avery Studios in Melbourne okay in Abbotsford and I've also got another album a kids album that I've made right well this is this a Dan Sultan exclusive that we're getting here on the Batutah radio show well it is at the moment yeah yeah so it's it's a story about a an arctic turn which is kind of migratory bird from the North Pole that they migrate to the South Pole every year and this bird was born with a crooked wing so she's you know she gets a bit lost and she meets a lot of friends along the way and you know they're all they've all got their little things about them that are different to each other and it's you know it's about acceptance and you know just being good to each other and having a sing-song you know things were getting pretty full-on last year and the year before and this is why I had to take a break last year because I was doing my head in a bit about stuff with a made the album killer which you know charted really well yeah got really great reviews but I didn't really get on many festival bills and you know there was a bit of a lack as far as radio play was concerned which was pretty heartbreaking and look that is what it is and you either keep moving and you know just keep keep creating or you do what I did for a while there which was you know I became pretty fucking resentful you know and I made myself pretty sick yeah you know and you know I I needed to take a break from partying and all that stuff for quite some time leading up to that but they'd all kind of came to a head with all that stuff you know it's it was the best album that I've ever made and you know it was I had some expectations on it that didn't get met and there was it was a bit heartbreaking you know so well there's nothing like you know getting out of that rut of taking yourself a bit too seriously and all that stuff like writing a kid's album you know so now I've written a song there's a song in there but windy the windy gorilla and she farts a lot you know and there's also Timbo the giraffe and this is a true story she grew up she grew up in an elephant orphanage and identifies as an elephant you know like I was there identity politics going on maybe maybe not into it you know I was there in Nairobi in Kenya at this national park with this in this elephant orphanage with this baby giraffe who would go out with the elephants all day big herd and then they'd come back into the the orphanage at the end of the day and she'd see you know giraffes out there and be curious and stuff but always come back with the elephants and I just thought that's what kind of sparked us this whole thing I thought well that would be a great book kids book you know and I spoke to my friend who was on the trip with me who's a writer and filmmaker and I asked him if he wanted to write some stories and ideas for songs and it all just stemmed from there you know is this your first time delving into the lucrative market of Australian kids like you've been on play school before I did my time my time play school a couple of times and I I was on the Wiggles last album right but um you know I'm coming for him yeah basically I'm coming for you yeah they gave me my start and I've just turned on it you know yeah that's also very understandable the stuff you're saying earlier about a killer because there were some tracks on that album Kingdom particularly and what was the song you teamed up with Le Pepe Drover Drover yeah that was a redo so we did killer under a blood moon the following year which was an EP where we had camp cope we had a be original and Meg Mac redoing four tracks from killer which was awesome and that that was great you know and that all came around really well and organically as well obviously we had the tracks already there and we put two bonus tracks on it as well that we'd recorded while we were making killer that didn't didn't make the album but I they just didn't fit really with the album killer itself but you know great tracks you know on their own so it was good to be able to release those yeah and that all came around really organically and you know we've got a couple of knobs for that at the Arias and it charted really well as well well it sounds like you're back and you're wholesome and you're and you're wholesome wholesome I'm sober so you're telling us is uh this is this new kids out might be PG pushing it to PG now it's just fighting gorillas and frill neck lizards that are a bit neurotic and can't control their necks the frill so they're knocking they're knocking shit over all the time well it's a good way to stop taking yourself too seriously it's great you know and it's just been so good for my spirit you know it sounds like the top of album that the New South Wales government would rather everyone in the country try and listen to how they've gone to their huge efforts of closing down the live music scene in their state and closing down music I don't know that festivals have you found that in in in your line of work especially when you come to New South Wales things have gotten a bit grim yes and no mm-hmm I mean you say it sounds like the kind of album that they'd like but you know the way they go after young people I mean they just might go even younger yeah now it's the same mentality is you know people up in arms about council wanting to put in a skate park or someone proposes putting in a skate park in a in a country town it's got nothing to do with safety or crime or anything like that it's just got everything to do with you know it's a sort of war on drugs or music or anything it's a war on young people you know that's what it is I mean they talk about low-risk festivals and high-risk festivals I mean what constitutes a low or high-risk festival I mean basically you know if it's about safety then you'd put in pill testing because these kids are going to be taking those pills anyway yeah and if you're talking you know they're throwing around words buzzwords like money grab accusing festivals of trying to do stuff like that well what are you good you know I think shutting down the cross and you know sending all the punters who are still punching on and still there's still massive alcohol and drug fueled violence it's just moved to the casino where the government has vested interest what would you call that as far as money grab you know and another thing no and it's just you know it's just for me it's just you know it's just obvious what's happening it's just the classic war on young people I mean these people you know went to university for free they paid fuck all for a house they walk straight into a job that they had that they had for life and well you know then just living off their superannuation and now it's that's harder than ever for a young person to go to university to be able to afford it's harder than ever to get into the property market and now they want to take away music festivals you know what I mean go fuck yourself yeah hell yeah preach preach well I saw easily the most spoiled generation that we got and listen you know I know a lot of baby boomers my parents are baby boomers and there's there's some really good people you know of course and it's not just can't just paint a whole generation like that but I just think it's I just think if you just look at the big picture you know what I mean just let them dance I mean they're not going to be able to go into the property market unless they get some massive inheritance you know they're not going to be able to pay off their fucking hex debt unless they get some massive inheritance the least you can let them do is just go and have a dance and let them be safe yeah yeah little dance to every time well if he takes all gnarly and friends you know that's the kids album I read in the news a couple a couple of weeks ago that they classed the day on the green in the Hunter Valley as being a low-risk festival but they still had I was there mate and they still had undercover cops there with handguns they still had drug detection dogs and some bloke got dragged out and arrested because he blew his nose at a copper and the gollies come out like out of his nose and landed on this cop and these cops given this bloke a hiding and then and then this boy gets charged with assaulting a police officer yeah right well you know don't be blowing gobbies on people you know but but yeah look and yeah you're exactly right I mean I was at the rally recently up in in Sydney and you know I mentioned that I was at a so-called low-risk event the weekend before that and it was the Hunter Valley I performed at that and I didn't see it but someone working on the event and someone working for the for the bands that played went for a wander and just saw a big punch on between some between some men who had been drinking all day in the sunshine you know what I mean and these people were of a certain age demographic so called low-risk age demographic you know yeah angry boomers you know and you just think well I was playing with a half an hour afterwards that just they got yeah yeah so you know I mean what is a high risk and what is a low risk I mean it's pretty obvious to me what it is it's it's yeah it's an attack on young people and it's attack on you know look kids are going to do what they're going to do and they're gonna they don't care what what you or I say or what what the government says you know and the what we should be doing is responsible as a responsible society is making that as safe as possible you know I mean I've been I've been there and I've been I've been a risk at a so-called low-risk festival many times you know I've touched a lot of bullets yeah on stage more recently yeah but you know I've touched a lot of bullets in my time and I feel very fortunate but there are some kids that you know they overdo it people overdo it and they go down and you know you we're just gonna just gonna be there as a society to to put things in place to make sure that you know there's risky behavior that just make it as safe as possible what do you think Woodstock would have been listed as pretty high risk I mean they tell kids got born at Woodstock yeah yeah and also you know I mean I've I don't want to try to quote verbatim here because I can't actually remember it totally but you know people talking about this only being a recent thing with risky music festivals and stuff like that with kids I mean music festivals over the years you know people died at Woodstock people died at that you know a big day and big day out and what was that one Mick Jagger put on when someone got shot yeah yeah let's get the Hells Angels yeah the Hells Angels won at a racetrack it was I actually I actually know the guy who if you watch that video it's a British guy saying get in the chopper at the end like come on that guy's a nice guy he was there yeah that was heavy so things have been heavy for a long time and look you know people are always gonna say I'll use it today and all of that bullshit you know what I mean it's just bullshit so why doesn't this happen in Victoria I mean well because when they shut down the tote which is an institution you know the following day there was over 3,000 people out the front who blocked off the intersection of Johnston and Wellington Street you had a party out there because they weren't just they just weren't going to stand for it and then within a month Quincy and Helen from but from bakehouse studios had had organized this rally where we got about 50,000 people you know up Burke Street at the at the steps of Parliament House what just cuz the tote which was for all the tote was a symbol you know all right the tote was a symbol of where things were going these venues I mean if you were to put on live music if you were a restaurant that had someone playing guitar in the corner then you legally had to employ security guards there was all this legislation knee-jerk reaction legislation coming out you know so all of these places had to shut down which is you know something that happened to Sydney a long time ago and again I don't know heaps about it that the particulars so I don't speak out of school but so spoil you know in Sydney for such beautiful you know cultural happenings yeah and you know it's just got shut down a long time ago do you think you know the Wales New South the Walsh women and women are a bit more apathetic I mean geez 50,000 people on 24-hour turnaround that's a lot of people to March well it was about a week later than 50,000 but there was about just over 3,000 24 hours after the tote was shut down because they couldn't afford to employ all the security they always had security guards at the gigs and they always had people there and it was just a normal pub in a normal venue you know that it would have a dust-up every now and then but it wasn't like you know you knew that it was pretty mellow you know I think you'd be lucky to get 3,000 to a midweek NRL game down there in Sydney you know well I got a theory right and I think it all ties in and this is a Melbourne person recently moved to Sydney again you know but basically I think it's the weather yeah yeah Sydney is such beautiful weather so if it rains doesn't matter we'll just chill out and just go do it tomorrow whereas Melbourne if you stayed in every time it rains you'd never do anything you know so Melbourne just I mean you put your jacket on you take your umbrella you put your gloves on we don't mountains on put your docks on black got any blacker you know and you go out whether it's raining or not because if you didn't you'd never do anything you know and the city then gets set up for that over the decades and decades of it and people then go to it I mean a perfect example of Melbourne I can I can say here as I went to the football at the MCG and AFL football and I saw someone there I just recognized them because I'd seen them at the football before and it was just someone's face that you might see over the years it's like I've seen that guy around you know and then a week later my father and I went to Hamer Hall big beautiful concert hall on the hour and saw Herbie Hancock and the same guy was sitting about three rows in front of me you know and that's just kind of that's just indicative of Melbourne and yeah people are just keen and they just go out and they go to the football or they go to you know and it was again the middle of the year freezing cold and there's you know 60,000 people at the MCG it's still only two-thirds full you know what I mean.
Sydney's too pretty. 60,000. I think it was just I think it is the weather I mean just you know just so spoiled for for such beautiful weather in such a beautiful city that if it's raining today or tomorrow that doesn't matter because in a couple of days it's going to be beautiful and we can go I will say the rally in Sydney yeah it was raining that day and there was a shitload of people that turned up and I was a bit concerned about that just knowing what it's been like it shows over the years and stuff like that if it's raining or if it's not and whether people are going to head out or not and you know Sydney showed up and they showed up and I thought to it to Sydney's credit yeah that's great. Sydney has been described as the the pretty teenager that never had to try you know things come too easy to Sydney the Olympics came quite easily to Sydney you know a lot a lot of things come quite easily to this city down south that has the harbour and has the beaches whereas Brisbane I guess Brisbane's got a busier nightlife as well if you look at Fortitude Valley oh my god yeah I tell you what I am so I stopped drinking you know in June last year and there are moments where you know you'll feel like having a drink and you know you don't net passes and stuff and then there are moments when you know you really get consolidated and solidified in your decision and I played a show in Brisbane in December on a Saturday night you know and then I went out with some friends I've got good friends who live in Brisbane lifelong friends and we're all going out for dinner as we do every time and anyone who's stopped drinking and wants to stay off the drink for a while walk through Fortitude Valley at about eleven o'clock at night on a Friday or a Saturday night and you'll feel pretty good about your decision yeah and I'm I'm really trying not to be this sanctimonious self-righteous I don't drink anymore guy but I'll tell you and I'll be honest with you now I walked down that street and I was like oh I'm just so much better than all of you and of course I'm not I'm just sober and there's like when I was when I was drinking I was so much worse than all obviously you would have been deep in Wickham Street in the moment you know but yeah it was a there are things that come up and you know help you out like that so yeah that was good anyone who needs to who wants to give themselves a bit of a break who live in Brisbane and they've done so they might have done a couple of couple of weeks or maybe a month and they're starting to get a bit itchy they want to do a bit more go visit the Maccas just just go and get yourself a kebab at 11 o'clock on a Saturday and keep your wits about you yeah that's right now tell us moving into a you know a children's album have you seen how people describe you as a musician change over the years like there was a time when Dan Sultan was a country music singer in the eyes of a lot of people and then folk and then you know dare I say protest yeah yeah well you know being a young successful Aboriginal man is a fucking political statement in itself unfortunately we don't have to get right into that but look at our mind look people I've never belonged to us to click or a certain genre or a certain scene you know I've been on festivals with bands like violence so ho and then I've and then I've you know performed and recorded with some friends of mine who do hip-hop but I've also done country music and rock and roll and you know now kids album I mean basically I don't belong to any particular genre or anything like that which isn't something that I've you know done deliberately but it's just the way it's turned out and I don't mind it I think you know I like to listen to lots of different types of music and I like to make music that I like to listen to yeah so as complicated as it might seem initially the idea of someone not belonging to a genre and well it's a bit chaotic it's actually quite simple yeah you know I I just like to make music that I like to listen to and that's all different types of music you know would you come up on the penny wise oh yeah absolutely bro him fuck yeah oh yeah lots of penny wise no effects yeah this name that they were a bit more daggy but they were mxpx yeah but all of that you know and you know we skated and you know you know smoked bongs and yeah and all that Russia yeah yeah yeah yeah but you know toe-to-toe Frenzel Rom yeah yeah we were there I was there man I actually played in a band with mine who's in Sydney wait Kieran who's played in a lot of different bands he plays with Steve Smythe over the years and he's now in Polish club he's a producer and maybe a few of the listeners out there might know Wade and when we were living in Cairns we play in a band together called tosser yeah of course you know we just skated around and a bit of tropical north grunge we did own Far North Queensland for about five minutes I like to say we're in the bar fly which is the street press as you know 15 year olds we actually played at this played at this McDonald's car park in Innisfail classic a little festival they put on their day festival and we were on second last and of course swearing and all that bullshit you know and they cut they told us to stop you know yeah and we didn't of course and he's what yeah yeah and so we didn't swear so anyway they cut the power yeah Mac is car park classic and they and without will packing up our stuff and it was all very punk rock and I heard the fall back start come on again you can hear the you know the mics alive again yeah and I got up and this was at the start of a particular ad pet campaign by one of their competitors and I got up and said the burgers are better at hungry Jack's oh so that was probably that was pretty good and we still we still have a good laugh about that one there are people that I've met who I'm good friends with now who know Wade and they're like hey dad I heard from Wade you know tell me the you stuck it to the man tell me the burgers a better story you know Wade said it was a classic yeah so it was pretty rock and roll in the Innisfail McDonald's car park in 1997 1998 now was there any music in the family yeah are you becoming a musical savant I agree but yeah yeah music in the family over the generations my dad's grandfather Ripley it's a great old name he he used to play for the silent movies all right and he's he had a really great ear you know he could hear something and then play it pretty much straightaway you know he could figure it out in his head and that's something that I've you know feel really fortunate about that I've you know that's something that's a bit an ability that I've always had and dad didn't get that ability so I think it skipped a couple of generations but dad's mother and his auntie said his daughters Ripley's daughters you know they played music but they they read they read music now I'm dyslexic so I thought I could read music while I was doing it regularly in high school or learning about it but as far as just sight read and play as I go I've never that's something that I've never been able to do but I've always just played by ear and Ripley had the ear but on the other side on my mum's side you know my brother's got a great ear as well yeah he sort of you know he played sax for a while when he was younger and you know he can do it he doesn't do it as much as as he'd like to I don't know you'd have to ask him but he's definitely got the ability yeah we get that from mum mums got a great ear as well and she you know great great singer she actually could have been a really amazing opera singer but she had you know issues with her upbringing and confidence and stuff like that so yeah she had she's had a pretty hard time mum in a lot of ways so where's your mother's where's your family from on that side a mum's side they're from Central Australia yeah but they all went to Adelaide when they were kids yeah got taken to Adelaide I should say they didn't go then it's not like they went to Adelaide, they got taken to Adelaide so I've got a lot of family there and Elizabeth and what's the mob? Arranda and Gurindji which is why you feel is Gurindji and eastern Arranda which is Alice Springs east of Alice Springs beautiful lot closer to Batutta than Melbourne too it is yeah I'm feeling I can feel it I'm just gonna I might just head towards the sunset and keep going yeah yeah no it's a beautiful part of the world you know I spent the first few years in my life living in Alice Springs which you know obviously I can't remember a lot of it but there's a lot of it that I can I got a my memory goes back a long way and spending time out in Yundamu my father worked for the Aboriginal Legal Service and I spent a lot of time out there with him and I've been back since I was only there last year you know I've worked on a lot of work out and out in community and remote places and you know I'm very fortunate that I've been able to do that see a lot of beautiful things yeah in this country I actually I don't know if I want to get oh yeah fuck it oh well someone got stuck into me online as is the thing you know at the moment just so fucking crazy anymore is it everyone just fucking shut up and fucking just chill out anyway that's my rant about that but someone got stuck into me saying oh you know too famous to come out to Aboriginal communities too famous to do this to rah rah and it's just like you know you fucking got no idea who I am and the things that I've done and the family that I come from you know I've had family and myself included you know my brother you know we've worked in everything from legal land council housing health education with the go foundation that provides scholarships for kids from primary all the way up to university you know I've run I've run I've run workshops out there you know put on shows out there I've been out you know I've seen it and I've had people close to me who have experienced things and myself personally you know some of the really horrible things that can go out in these remote places if that person's listening go fuck yourself yeah tell them hopefully they are trolls obviously a big part of I actually commented on one thing you put up that baby boomers saying these they never worked for anything and I deleted it because I basically said these guys didn't have to pay for uni but with a spiel I just did before and some guy replied to me goes aren't musicians supposed to be happy and he said something like you sound like a whiny little schoolgirl or something I just thought fair enough and I just deleted the comment I thought oh you know what he's probably right I know that I'm right but at the same time it's just like he's right I could have got stuck into him about what so you know you know females automatically have a negative connotation to you and I could there's a lot of places I could have gone yeah but you know there's a great meme out at the moment of two corgis one's up on the couch and one's down on the bottom and they're just kind of bucking each other you know being possessive over their toys and there's overdubs of them saying what did you say about immigration you know it's definitely worth the look and it's pretty much sums it all up look at the end of the day it's only fucking Instagram you know what I mean Jesus you know just show me your fucking dog and shut up and it'll probably be on uncool in in two or three years time and no one will use it hopefully yeah I'm really tired I gotta have a break man not from this conversation but for me I'll just go too hard I mean I've got it I've got an addictive personality I went to fucking rehab this year for fuck's sake well we haven't even seen those modules and implemented in rehab yet they'll be social media there should be I'll tell you what I'll tell you what the absolute worst thing for our newspaper has been heading on to social media I mean now that we've just been exposed to this disgusting underbelly it's just Jesus you know like like I just like I miss when you know the most height that we'd get would be an angry letter to the editor yeah and now and now you've got people you know bloody yeah calling you this calling you that oh and and you've never met him no and you know it's and they've got no name and they've got no face they're just a Hilux or just an angry motorbike or an angry buddy HSV Malu that's got an automatic gearbox these fucking people or an angry silhouette standing up on a branch over a river about to jump in or something like that or on a rope swing are you still driving a Commodore you're in a done into it for a while I had a VN station wagon green oh yeah you know the old VN's that old holding color it was a light green nice and you have roof racks on it every frecks of course yeah put the mini male up there I was always a big big fella you know I was got up to about 135 kilos so your time I was about 19 right so you know driving around with the P plates and the mini melt I could handle the mini male but nothing more to the point yeah so by the time you were in brand-new day hmm was that like off like what did you go on a boot camp or something if you're 130 kegs at 19 that was you were a slender little thing I was opposite male boy I was yeah I was and every time I go out to community the kids like to remind me of that as a because they think oh brand-new day is yesterday well actually it was ten years ago and there are certain reasons why I didn't eat that much at the time you gotta try to keep a sense of humor about it rockstar well you're looking good thanks and you're sounding good too Avery takes that's out now yeah and the tour is well underway it's underway and like I said it's the longest tour in history yeah I'm actually getting to a lot of places I didn't get to go to last year when I took time off so that's really good and important for me to be able to do that and getting to some place some new places as well yeah and of course for the kids the parents that are going to be hearing this ricochet around the car and the house for the next year or so couple years ten years keep going and when and that's out that's in a month or two yeah hell yeah I'm sure I can't wait for my kids to hear it Dan farting gorillas yep identity jumping giraffes which is awesome you know specie fluid birds the hero she's you know gnarly she's got that's her name gnarly the G she's good no just na okay a lot of obvious surfing references never it's deep clear in that one yeah it's an Inuit name actually so all the names all the mark there we're getting pretty good with it I mean we're just trying to just do everything right you know all the names of the characters are local names of where they're from you know except there is one character I'll say now it's Kumba the potteroo which lives in Esperance and gnarly discovers her and Kumba that's a local name from there but the Kumba's best friend is a quokka she they live they're really shy but they coexist really well with is Barry the quokka and he's an extrovert he's trying to teach you not to be too shy you know we got a we're still figuring out how he's gonna look as far as copyright issues go with Barry Crocker but I want him I want him to have big big flairy lapels and a gold microphone and a big Mo and an awesome come over and what's the title of this gnarly and friends gnarly and friends beautiful yeah so that's a lot of fun this is this is Dan's ticket to wiggles money so everyone get out there get amongst it this is my yeah this is just my part of my diversifying you know something for the kids something fun you know these songs they go for you know a minute 40 to 2 minutes and they're funny and it's a lot of fun so it's been a really good for me personally in a healing way yeah looking looking forward to hearing it Dan thanks for thanks for coming on the show thanks for having me thanks for stopping by our quiet desert town and we look forward to seeing you again up here well thanks very much I might try to jump in that river yeah yeah well you know what it's probably safer here than it is in Sylvania waters less likely to jump into a shopping trolley so we'll leave it there let's go for a swim |
dropout | new_yolo_slang_words | Hey, I'm Dan Gerwich from Deep Inside the Internet. Don't know if you've heard, but there's a pretty hip-a-new slang word going around.
It's YOLO, and it stands for You Only Live Once. As in, what the heck, I'll do another shot. YOLO. Nice. Well, I did some research, and YOLO, that's just the tip of the iceberg. People are also saying YOLO-LO for You Only LOL Once. Ha! YOLO-LO. Or if you don't mean that in the gay way. YOLO-LO, no homo.
Guys, these are 100% real. You literally cannot make this stuff up.
YO-YO-CO-ONO-SOCO means You're Only YO-CO-ONO, so chill out. Aw, you don't have to create world peace by yourself. YO-YO-CO-ONO-SOCO. There's even one for when you're hanging out with Santa Claus and you need to say, You only ho ho ho, but once, so drink our cocoa. Yo ho ho ho, but so do cocoa.
There's also YOLO-MOFO hello moto, which means you only live once, motherfucker, and can only be spoken by Samuel L. Jackson in a Motorola commercial. YOLO-MOFO hello moto.
Alright, now we're into the advanced ones. Remember, people actually say these, that's what's so cray cray, y'all.
Late Baroque period oboes from Bono's personal collection, or Crazy Monkeys. One more, and you've probably heard this last one everywhere.
Wild, guys. Just wild. Whoa, YOLO-CO-ONO-HO-BO-BLOW-JELL. Ha ha ha. |
dropout | fictional_cosmos | Like grains of sand on a beach, our universe is made up of an infinite number of stars, each one so very similar, and yet so unique. Sailing endlessly on cosmic winds through a vastness so large, we can barely comprehend it.
What kind of life exists in the solar system nearest to our own, just a few billion lightyears away? Here, on Cybertron, a planet with an atmosphere of aluminum gases, life forms reproduce not biologically but mechanically. For beyond the realm of logic, its two species take on forms that resemble our Earth's Volkswagens, Toyotas, and cassette tape recorders. How or why this occurs is a mystery we can only begin to ponder.
Neighboring Thundara is a desert planet of clumpy, ammonia-infused soil populated by a race of humanoid felions, whose physical strength, agility, and fearlessness far exceeds Earth's own. Also, they're snarf. Every four billion years, the orbit of Thundara intersects with the moon Melmac, whose own alien life forms are a parasite-like mammal with a cruel roar. Their survival depends on this brief moment in the cosmic ballet, for alphs viciously feed on the Thundercats while they can, a violent interplanetary battle that occurs but once in eon. There are worlds that are grassy Edens, whose colorful insectoid life forms live in subterranean mounds, and whose source of energy comes from the eternal laughter of a sentient sun. And there are celestial bodies like Eternia, where the energy source is an ancient structure known as Castle Grayskull, which in the flawed mythology of its hermaphroditic inhabitants is all one needs to control to become master of the universe.
And these are just an insignificant fraction of the planets that exist beyond the frontiers of our galaxy. We can only wonder what other beings have lived and died in the epochs before our own. And who knows, perhaps some day we might be blessed to meet one, to exchange our own knowledge with the extraterrestrial- Woah!
Woah! It's all over the world. Who are you? Na-na-na-na. Woah! What are you doing? Woah! So this is Earth. Get the hell off me! Woah! |
dropout | clock_suckers_weekend_at_lohan_s | I'm putting in the thumb rule. No thumb rule. I hate the thumb rule. What's the thumb rule?
The twos still clear? Just red twos. Last time we played all twos. A little bit late. I don't have any twos.
Am I vice president? No, Grid is. You're secretary of agriculture.
Are we doing triples on doubles? No. Can we just stop playing already?
Yeah, deal, asshole. Rocko, you're asshole, asshole.
What? What did this happen? I've been reading my own cards. Is that cool? Oh, shit. God, would you guys shut up? I'm trying to read. Whatever. You're reading Gossip Weekly.
What's Brittany's vag up to now? Leave Brittany alone.
That was awful. Terrible.
Yeah, I know. It sounded better in my head. Man, this issue sucks. There's not one word in here about Lindsay Lohan. That's true. Ever since that train wreck went into rehab, you don't ever hear anything about it anymore. Well, let's do the responsible thing and stop that co-core from hitting rehab. Sounds good to me. Oh, I'm gonna president the shit out of this game.
I hate packing for rehab. Mom, how much booze can I bring to rehab? I can't let you go to rehab, Lindsay.
Shut up, Mom. You can't control my life. I'm not your mom, Retard.
Come on, Lindsay. Let's get you hammered and behind that wheel. Uh, I don't know, Mom. My agent was pretty pissed last time. Not your mom either, genius. What? Are you my mom? Hey, shit. Why not?
Great. Let's get exhausted. Man, that was crazy last night. Yeah, Lindsay. You're the craziest of the crazy whores. Three cheers for Lindsay. Hip hip?
She's dead.
Hooray. Well, let's dump her in the pool and get the hell out of here. Oh, I don't want to go back already. I love this lifestyle. Well, we're not gonna get into any of this clothes without her. Ooh, I know what to do.
Somebody's getting a huge ding dong drawn on the face. Yeah, Ben. We were all going to draw a ding dongs.
What are we gonna do about Lohan's dead body?
Ooh, right. Well, I think I got an idea for that too. Lindsay, are you sure this is gonna work? I'm telling you, I see no flaws in this plan.
We probably should have washed the pig penis off her face. Bet that's not the first time she's heard that. Seriously though, you're right. We probably should have. Wait a second. I think something's wrong with Lohan.
Now, shit, they're on to us. Time to pull out the big guns. Hey, check me out.
Oh, no, there you go. Same old Lindsay, all right. Say cheese, crotch. Ooh, that's gonna be a good one. Hey, Lindsay, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on the set. Oh, are you ready to shoot Mr. Redford? Absolutely. All right.
Scene 56, the librarian's heart. And wait for it. Action. It may have taken me a lifetime of heartache and tragedy, but all that matters is that it's led me right here. I could die a happy man, knowing that I've stolen the librarian's heart.
Cool. Thanks, Robert Redford. I have to go do library stuff now. Then I have to crap. Goodbye. And that's a cut. That was the greatest scene I have ever directed. Ever. Sweet. I'm awesome.
Come on, let's get her out of this stupid costume and get the hell out of here. Good idea. Yeah, come on. Let's go.
The clubs are closing in a couple hours.
Lindsay, I just wanted to... Oh, I'm sorry.
You've got company. Is now a bad time? Uh, no, it's cool, Red Dog.
I just wanted to say that you're doing a magnificent job. You know, there's a lot of Oscar buzz surrounding this film. I think that if we all stay on task, we can really do something amazing here.
Okay. Super duper. Right. Well, good night. Ooh, that's going to be a nice one.
And the winner for best actress is... Ooh, I'm so nervous. Lindsay Lohan. Wow. What an honor. First, I'd like to thank my best friend, Kate. She's so hot. And...
What's happening? Lemon in a coma again? Who are you, people? Die, zombie!
They will use the chase in me! Perksaku! With your pitch broadening your new scene! Perksaku! Oh, some accomplished!
Okay, so we're all settled on the rules now, right? Yep. Oh, so? Yeah.
My cards are upside down. My boobs fell out.
Oh, that's going to be a nice one. |
TheOnion | Department_Of_Treasury_Releases_New_Monsters_Of_The_Silver_Screen_20_Dollar_Bill | The sun is dreading rising this morning, a newly deployed soldier has dreamed of fighting in the Afghan war since he was a little kid, and the Department of Treasury releases a new Monsters of the Silver Screen line of $20 bills. Eons from today the wise ones will speak in hushed tones of the glory that was the Onion Week in Review. Overwhelmed by the ever-mounting list of problems it faces, the nation finally broke down this week and begged its smart people to please just fix everything now. Everybody from local citizens to prominent politicians apologized for messing everything up and pleaded with U.S. scientists, economists, educators, philosophers, and inventors to intervene. You were right, we were wrong, we have no fucking idea what we're doing. Please, smart people, just make things better now, okay?
In order to more accurately portray the risks of smoking, the FDA has approved putting a picture of Trish on the cover of all cigarette packs. Several trials suggest that images of diseased organs, corpses, and deformed infants all prove less effective than a single photograph of Trish smiling. Smokers can expect to see the graphic campaign as early as next month, paired with a simple line of text that reads, cigarettes cause Trish. In science news, a new study finds that every style of parenting inevitably produces disturbed and miserable adults. Despite a great variance in parenting styles across populations, from overprotective to permissive, the end product is always the same, a profoundly flawed and joyless human being. One bright note of the study, adults can find temporary happiness when they're able to perpetuate the cycle of human misery by having children. In sports, John Madden agrees to work as a consultant for the Oakland Raiders concession stands. In other news, the Pulitzer board adds a giant pumpkin category, a local man's utter failure in life is a bit of a sore spot, and some trick-or-treaters mistakenly choose to bypass a Jewish house. Dr. Klaus Dieffenbacher, if you're listening, bring back what you have stolen from us and we promise you will not be harmed. For more news, visit theonion.com slash Newsbeat. |
cracked | when_fantasy_football_trash_talk_goes_too_far | Ooooh. No.
I resign. I recuse myself.
Whatever it's called. Does your brain know your hands are doing a thing?
I'm quitting. Like your job? Because there's no way I'm the person you're supposed to tell that to. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I technically work for you somehow. I'm quitting your fantasy league.
Your friends are terrible people. What happened? This guy, Demolition Manning, he said some very salty things about my orifices.
Like, out there. For people to see.
I'm just in the mouth with an unrelenting pile on gross. Yeah. Personal. Foul. Cody, this is trash talk. This is just part of the game. Look, half the fun of fantasy is emasculating other people and trying to make them feel bad about themselves. That sounds awful.
No, it's not all. No, you're right.
When I say it out loud, it sounds like abuse. But look, you've got to hate him back. You've got to get inside of his head. Okay, so like if I was playing you this weekend, I would say, Cody, I hope you're looking forward to your circumcision this weekend because you're about to lose your manhood. Man's spacehood. Like, two words.
That doesn't mean anything. It's just mean. It doesn't have to mean anything. It just has to be, yeah, mean. But then he'll just say something mean back and we'll end up fighting about nothing with slurs we don't even understand. That's the whole point.
Now call him penetration-less. What? Call him a limp purple helmet. Why? Call him Ryan Leaf. Who? Call him something.
Cody, it doesn't matter. This is how camaraderie works. He's a single divorce dad who lives alone and this is the only way he knows how to make friends.
He is? Yes. Now say something really hurtful to him. Fine. I bet your kids miss you. Zing! Wow. Hurtful, right? Very.
Let me see why you guys do this. It's really freeing to just like say whatever you want with your buds, you know? Where are you going? I gotta make a phone call and try and fix some things. Okay. Hey, you're a mediocre at your job and I don't respect you. We'll work on this later.
The thing on your neck looks like cancer and your sister's all... Classic.
Hey, I'm Dan, crack's resident party animal and I'm all about the three T's. Tits, two beers with my friends and tight. Because I like to have a tight time with all my friends and beers and tits and subscribe and we can party together. Together, a fourth T. |
TheOnion | After_Weeks_Of_Media_Pressure_Shia_LaBeouf_Still_Refusing_To_Have_Public_Meltdown | Hey entertainment junkies, it's time to get your quick hit. Well, it's been three weeks since the media began trying to push Shia LaBeouf over the edge and sadly, so far, there are no signs that the star is becoming the next Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan. After noticing a lull in celebrity mental breakdowns, tabloids and entertainment shows like ours decided unanimously to target LaBeouf based on some encouraging warning signs from his past. He was arrested for a DUI a couple years ago, he was just in a bar fight recently, so he's a pretty good bet for the industry to pin its hopes on. It's just a matter of time before he's $7 million in debt and addicted to high-end prostitutes. The paparazzi continues to surround LaBeouf's house and follow the Transformer star around the clock, repeatedly asking him for comment on his own mental stability, drug use and criticizing his family for not getting him the help he so desperately needs. If over the next several days, LaBeouf continues to act like a normal sane person, TMZ will begin pumping hallucinatory fumes through his heating fins. Okay, and now for some political tainment news.
A new bill introduced in Congress today aims to open up Alaska's vast untapped reserves of reality stars to public filming. The entertainment industry is lobbying hard to revoke the 1988 Pristine Alaska Act that prohibits plumbing the northernmost state for reality show subjects like bear hunters, tobacco-spitting women and bearded loners who live in their vans. Reality show producer James Wesley spoke and supported the bill in fact some last night. There are only 700,000 residents in Alaska, but an estimated 70% are weirdos. That's 490,000 subjects, enough to supply every cable network with 20 reality stars per year for 50 years. But opponents insist on opening the area to filming what irrevocably damaged one of the only stretches of land still untouched by the excesses of undeserved fame. One preservationist wrote, visitors to Alaska are repeatedly amazed by the sheer weirdness of everyone who lives here. Generations to come should be able to experience what may be the only unexplored, truly bizarre region in the country.
And finally, Johnny Depp has announced that he has launched his very own website, www.johnnydeppactor.biz, which will make it easier for filmmakers, casting agents and members of the press to contact him. The site contains his headshot, his agent's name and number of photos from his various roles through the years, as well as a logo for the graphic designer he hired off of Craigslist to make the site. Alright, that's your Starfix quick hit. Make sure you check out our website where you can vote on how Shia LaBeouf's upcoming mental collapse will reveal itself. |
cracked | the_truth_about_identity_theft | Hello? Hi, I'm calling from the store. Okay. So someone came into the store, and they said that they were you, but they're not you. Uh-huh.
And we didn't look at their fake ID all that closely, and we gave them three grand worth of stuff, so now you have a problem. Wait, how did this person get my personal information? Probably a former employer of yours didn't shred some documents and threw them in the trash. Uh, that's not my fault. Oh yeah, none of this is your fault. Well, you should look at the IDs more carefully. Yeah, we should. So then you fix this. Someone stole your identity, so you have to fix it. Nah, I don't think my identity was stolen. I think what was stolen here was the three grand worth of stuff that you gave away. Yeah, that's not how it works. What if I don't fix this?
Then your credit rating will tank, and collection agencies will be harassing you for the next ten years, trying to collect the three grand. You're actually lucky that we caught this before we sold your debt to an agency. I'm lucky? Yeah, once the agencies own your debt, they do not care what your story is. They'll do anything within the bounds of the law to get the money. Why do you keep calling it my debt?
It's not mine. Ah, but it is.
Fine, what do I do? Option one is you give us three grand. Yeah, fuck that.
Option two is to spend hours on the phone with Equifax and send them scans of your passport, driver's license, health card, social insurance number, and a sworn affidavit saying that you were not the person at the store. Equifax? That's the company that had that massive data leak a few years ago. You want me to send all that to them?
Or there's TransUnion. TransUnion?
They also got hacked. Oh yeah, it's totally absurd. This is your mistake, and now I have to do a bunch of stuff or I'm screwed?
Are you gonna pay me for my time? Like at least a gift card or something? No, we're gonna give you nothing.
But I did write a song that might help cheer you up. Fine, let's hear the song. Leaves fall from a neighbor's tree They blow warm to your property You have to wake them all up It's a cosmic injustice Happens sometimes Sucks that it happened to you Happens sometimes If you like this video and want to see more, please consider supporting me at patreon.com slash glipare |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_The_State_Of_The_US_Censorship_Local_Politics_More_January_15 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio news board on the weekly. My name is Clancy I over all editor of the Batutah Advocate and I'm joined as usual when we're not on holidays by Errol Parker editor at large.
How are you Errol? Yes it's good to be back here again once again with my two favourite Gentiles. And speaking of Arians, how are you? Wendell Hussey? Ah yep, very well thank you, love getting in the booth with you too.
It's the sun that I've seen over the last couple of weeks. Yeah the hair's looking blonde mate, I'm sure it was just lemon juice you put in your hair mate. What's first in the news today? Yeah let's get into it.
We'll start off with some news from the United States of America and Donald Trump has fired up the old MSN messenger account after being banned from Twitter. Yes the early 2000s platform is back in the spotlight after the outgoing US President was booted off Twitter. Returning to the contact list with a new nickname, President Trump.
The election was rigged and Mr. 43 is continuing the narrative that hundreds of thousands of Republican votes were thrown into the river in November and the election was stolen from him. Yeah he's been nudging lots of people and trying to keep the fire burning. Now that caused a bit of a stir here in Australia and one of the stories we wrote about that was SusBloke who blocked release of documents about his overseas trips accuses Twitter of censorship. Yes that SusBloke being George Christensen who along with Craig Kelly has really been teeing off about the private company Twitter centring their political idol Donald Trump. Which comes a bit at odds with George Christensen's stance on censorship when it relates to his personal life. Yes censorship being the suppression of speech, public communication or other information on the basis that that material is considered objectionable, harmful, sensitive or inconvenient. Like when he blocked the information being released about the AFP investigating his behaviour in the Philippines. Which we can only assume he was doing what we assume he was doing. That is disgusting Clancy. And Pedro Madrid Caballero left a comment on that story saying he wishes Facebook would switch off the block function so Big George can have a little taste of freedom of speech himself. I'm sure there's a lot of people teeing off von George right now and he is centring them with that block button. Imagine how many comments he would have to hide and the content of those comments.
Anyway another national story here and the public is wary of a hastily developed vaccine that they demanded to be developed hastily. Yes this week a new report commissioned by the Department of Health has found a growing number of Australians really aren't sure about these vaccines that's been rushed through because of the devastating effects of that virus which is apparently called Covid-19. Yes one aspiring Instagram celebrity we spoke to named Ingrid Selene says I heard it takes a really long time to come up with a vaccine but they came up with this one in like a year. I saw a thing on the internet where they invented this other vaccine and it took a long time but this one was ready in a short time.
It sounds suspicious to me. I won't let them poke that needle anywhere near me.
A bit of a Queensland political update now and Anastasia Palaszczuk has been left confused as other states keep borders open to Queenslanders. Yes speaking to us earlier this week the Queensland Premier revealed her confusion as other state premiers around the country politely declined the opportunity to score political points against her by slamming their borders closed to Queensland. Yeah she said I've given them the best chance to dunk on me and they've just shown Queensland understanding and kindness.
What the fuck is wrong with them? Don't know Anastasia don't know.
Sports news to round out the week and Candace Warner's husband is set to star in a hit new reality show I'm an Opener get me out of here. Yes David Warner made famous by the TikTok videos he and his wife began filming in the 2020 lockdown is set to star in Channel 10's hit new TV show I'm an Opener get me out of here. Following his most recent performances as a test cricketer including his latest failure in the first innings of Brisbane TV producers have identified the Sydney batsman as an ideal candidate for the launch of the new program so stay tuned everyone. Hopefully these episodes last longer than his innings anyway that might be it this week I think thank you for tuning in to the Matuda Advocate Weekly News Bulletin whether you're listening on Spotify or elsewhere in the world other platforms we are of course live on the wireless out here in the Diamantina Shire. So thank you I'm Clancy Overall enjoy your week I'm Errol Park at Shiho goodbye. |
ClickHole | these_people_were_there_when_kennedy_was_shot_and_their_stories_are_incredible | All of a sudden there was a gunshot and JFK's head fell off and as it sailed through the sky the president's severed head was yelling the names of all the state capitals. That was his final gift to the country he loved. I had gone to watch the motorcade with my family. The president came around the corner in his convertible and I just couldn't believe that I was seeing him in person. Kennedy started exhibiting that classic presidential hubris. He made his neck extra long as if to show off his head to the world. It was wonderful to see his head but it also made his head an easy target for snipers and birds. There were a few things that seemed out of place that day.
There was a man in a trench coat who was holding an armful of hot dogs. He must have had 30 or 40 hot dogs. He kept holding up his hot dogs and telling people, I brought these hot dogs from home. When the gunshot went off, the man with all the hot dogs froze in his tracks.
He looked at me and said, holy shit, that bullet was meant for me. I asked, why is everyone screaming? And someone said, somebody just shot President John F. Kennedy. And I said, I thought that idiot died weeks ago.
President Kennedy's brain went sailing into the sky. Everyone was hoping to be the one to catch the president's brain but JFK's brain was the size of a chicken nugget so nobody could see it. The president's brain sailed through the sky and it knocked over a bucket of sunscreen.
The man who owned the bucket started to cry. He kept saying, my sunscreen, my sunscreen is ruined. It was the most heartbreaking thing I'd ever seen.
The paramedics arrived and started trying to save the president. They found his head, which had rolled underneath a beautiful car, and they started giving President Kennedy's head mouth to mouth. When the paramedics were done giving President Kennedy's head mouth to mouth, they sewed his head back onto his body. President Kennedy sat up and looked around and said, I'm back, motherfuckers. And then his head immediately exploded again. My father turned to me and he said, well, the president is now entirely dead. I guess we have to go home.
From that moment on, everyone knew that the president's head could explode at any moment. Lyndon Johnson became president and everybody was so paranoid that they decided to keep President Johnson safe by encasing his head in a block of cement. Then when Nixon became president, they kept his head safe by fastening a decoy head onto his shoulders. That way, if someone wanted to shoot President Nixon in the head, they wouldn't know which head to shoot.
People tend to believe that it was Lee Harvey Oswald that killed John F. President, but I'm not so sure. There are a lot of suspicious figures there that day. What about that gorilla with the sign? Nobody knows who that gorilla was, and nobody saw him after that day. To me, that's pretty suspicious.
JFK's assassination was a shocking thing to witness, but I do take comfort in the knowledge that JFK's head is in heaven right now, whispering all of the state capitals over and over into Jesus' ears. JFK's beautiful body is in hell because of all the times JFK was nude in his life. JFK's head is in heaven and his wild, nude body is in hell. That's something I realized when I watched the president get shot, and it's something that I think over time we've come to accept as a nation. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Luke_Bracey_Aussie_actor_and_Hollywood_hunk_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Hello, my name is Alexi Choleopoulos and I am the clerk of the last video store. On this show, what we do is I'm joined by wonderful guests, interesting people, and we talk to them about the films they love. But we talk about them as if it were or it is a rental combo of a new release title, that's any movie from the last five years, to all the films that I call weeklies because that is what they are always going to be to me. And then, I'm going to follow that up with a staff pick recommendation based on their taste. We're joined by a special guest this week.
It is Australian actor turned Hollywood hunk. One of my favourite guys around, it is Luke Bracey. You've seen Luke Bracey in Hacksaw Ridge, you've seen him play a villainous character in Interceptor, a pretty ripper Netflix action movie, and you've seen him play a real-life guy in Elvis amongst many other movies that he has made. He is a great talent, he is a hard-working man, and he's got some great picks, so much so because he's one of our first guests.
I actually gave him a little lenience. I let him pick a whole extra weekly and, I'm feeling generous, I gave him two bespoke recommendations. So, enjoy this chat with Luke, I think you will. I said that like Yoda, who's a film character, so it is a film reference that I did just then.
But let's get to it right now. Welcome to the last video store. Hello. You are our first customer here. I'm going to sign you up to our store. You're our first member in the new digital system.
What an honour. We've just gone from analogue to digital, so you'll be member 001. Oh, what an absolute honour.
Firstly I'm going to need your name. My name is Luke Bracey. Okay, beautiful, I've heard of you. But we're going to need two pieces of ID to sign you up. Okay, well I've got a couple pieces of ID here.
This is a film I did called Holiday. This is a Christmas card from Holiday. I love this movie by the way. Thank you.
I think it was such a fresh rom-com, came at the exact right time. It is goofy, it's sweet, but the thing I love most about it, it's so crude. Yeah, I think we found there's something really great about it, where there was a little bit of a gap kind of in the Christmas rom-com kind of world, where there were either four teenagers or there were people maybe more middle-aged, and there was that kind of just honest kind of late 20s to 40-year-old kind of world, where people were a bit cynical but also just want to have a laugh, and so there was a real good kind of space where that fit in when it came out, and people really love it. It's probably like one of the most popular ones I think that I've done, that people really enjoy. It's almost like you've got these two sides to your career at the moment. You've got like the action stuff like Interceptor, and then you've got like this fun goofy, or even like sweet like romantic or relationship movie side as well. Yeah, this holiday was the first time I really got to do a comedy type thing, and I just really enjoyed it, and I've been lucky.
I've been able to do, as you say, you know, running around, you know, being a bit of an action man. Shooting some squibs. Yeah, I've worn green a couple of times. That's like a rite of passage, right? Yeah, yeah. With the fatigues on.
Exactly, so I've done that a couple of times, and it's all been really good, but they've all informed each other one. I've always learnt things on one of them that's weirdly on a completely different type of film that I've taken stuff from, and I also just enjoy a bunch of different types of movies, so to be able to go into that world, it's the best bit about our job. You get to play expensive dress-ups in many different ways, and like do all these funny, funny things, so yeah, that's been good. And then my other piece of ID is I have a little bit of a role in the Elvis movie that came out last year. I play Jerry Shewing, who is Elvis's best mate. Yeah, and Jerry and I have become close friends, actually, so it's been really exciting, yeah.
Did you meet him before making the film? Was it research? No, we did it in 2020, kind of towards the end, and we were on the Gold Coast, so I couldn't meet him. I'd sent him an email kind of when I got the job, and just wanted to try and get in contact with him, but it got lost in the internets, and didn't get to talk to him beforehand, and then I got to meet him, actually. It took a long time for me to meet him. I met him at the Warner Brothers after-party of the Oscars this year, so I walked into the party, and we were there with the people from the film, all our mates from the film, and then Jerry was sitting there with his wife, and we kind of sat down and just chatted for hours at the party, and drank a couple of martinis, and he told me stories.
Did you swaddle across the room and just park?
Basically, as I walked in, I walked in the party, and he kind of looked at me and pointed at each other, and I don't know, we're like exactly the same height, and his wife, Cindy, and him were just so adorable, and they were really complimentary of the film, and they were really happy with the job I did, which made me feel safe, so I was like, okay, good, I'm glad you liked it, and yeah, so it was a real thrill, and then obviously to work with Baz, and on a film like this. I mean, such a humongous film. Yeah, very few of them are this big anymore, and you know, you rock up to work, and there's 300 extras dressed like the 1970s, and then you walk into the International Hotel in Las Vegas, and you watch Elvis do 10-minute performances of Suspicious Minds and stuff. You're just going, wow, this is wild. A lot of us had the best seat in the house. It was pretty awesome, and then Baz is a genius and an amazing man, and the whole crew and the cast and the whole time we had doing it was really special. It was a strange time in the world, kind of end of 2020 into the start of 21, and we were up on the Goldie, which was a great place. It really felt like we were the luckiest people on earth being able to do this, while everyone else was kind of having probably a pretty interesting and kind of upsetting time, and we just felt so lucky that we got to do it. So it was a thrill, and yeah, it was an awesome experience.
Do you know who gave Tom Hanks COVID?
I have no idea. Are there theories out there?
No, I actually wasn't on the film before COVID happened. Whoa, so you got the call up later? I got a call when they restarted again, and I'm not sure what happened to the guy who was playing Jerry. He might have been from overseas or something again, and kind of got a call from Baz saying, hey, I've seen a bit of your work.
Do you want to come and do this job? And I was like, I'm not doing much else at the moment. An easy yes, right? Yeah, even if I was busy, I probably would have dropped things to go and do it, just because...
I mean, it's the Elvis movie, like come on. That's it. Yeah, talking to a couple of people, when we're working on it, a couple of people in the cast, and we were having dinner one time, and they were like, oh, it's pretty exciting to be in an Elvis movie. I was like, guys, it's not an Elvis movie. It's the Elvis movie. They're not going to make another one. This is it.
And so, yeah, that's a real thrill to be a part of that, and such an iconic story. And then, as I said, to play a guy as awesome and as lovely as Jerry was, yeah, just real privilege, real lucky. I'm a lucky boy.
One other thing I'd love to know about Elvis, I feel like it's so rare where you see one of those big leading performances where it feels completely possessed by a real life figure. It feels like Elvis entered Austin Butler. What was that like being in the presence of? Did it feel spooky, eerie?
I think the reason that Austin was able to be as magical as he was, and to do the job that you can't really describe how brilliant the job he did was, was because he worked really hard. That was it. He did a lot of work, and he lived and breathed it, and he worked really hard. And he did that for a long time. And, surprise, surprise, you work hard, and you get a lot of good help from people, and that's what happens.
You get brilliance, you know? Was there moments where you're like, that's Elvis? Yeah.
Yeah, it was weird seeing him next to Elvis sometimes. He looked more like Elvis than Elvis did at times.
And I remember... Oh, it gives me shivers. I remember when he was filming the If I Can Dream in the white suit in front of the Elvis, singing that song, which is probably one of my favorite Elvis songs now. I obviously listened to the whole catalog through it, and that's something really special about that performance and that song. And I remember being, just before I was going on the set, I was in the background doing something, but they were doing some stuff, and I was in the AD trailer, and they had the monitor up, and they had kind of the three cameras, and then the fourth camera was the Elvis one, the original one.
Oh, to make sure, like to match it. Yeah, because like all performances, they were, you know, we called it train spotting, like they were identical, right? And watching Austin do it, and, you know, Austin, Austin, Austin, Elvis, on the monitor, it was really, really quite amazing. Quite amazing. It's like, spot the difference. Yeah, it was wild. And I'll never forget the kind of, I think it must have been maybe the end of the first week, and that was when we shot the 68 comeback special. He's in the black leather, and it's in the round, and, you know, that whole thing is quite amazing. All the extras or the supporting artists were dressed as people from that, like it was all, everything was exactly the same.
And then another thing was, no one in that room had been in a room with that many people for months, eight months. We'd only been in a room with 10 people at the most, so suddenly there was 400, 500 people in a room, an audience, no one had been to a concert in that long.
Oh my gosh. And Baz, as a director, and as a leader, and the captain of a ship, is amazing at creating an energy, and really had that place absolutely bouncing.
And the roof was coming off that sound stage by the end of that, and it was the end of a week, I think. And I remember we all kind of finished that Friday evening, and everyone was coming down from it, we all walked out, we're all looking at each other going, that was amazing, right? That wasn't just me, and everyone was just in kind of shock that, A, we were actually doing it, and that it was, that we time traveled, and saw Elvis perform. And it was just a confluence of all these different things of getting the first week away, and getting that first big performance off.
And so all those things, and that was a really, the tone was set for the film then. Then it was like, oh, this is amazing. And wow, we just kind of, in the nicest spooky way, it felt spooky, but in the best way. It was an absolute thrill, something I won't ever forget. And then we just kept having those feelings for six months. Oh my gosh, I've got those feelings now. I've got actual goosebumps. Yeah, it was pretty special.
Well, those IDs check out. I have one final question I have to ask you before I sign you up. Are you, or have you ever been a member of another video store? I have.
Our family video store growing up in Freshwater was Civic Video. Civic Video, wow. Civic Video in Harvard.
A lost relic. And it's right on the corner of Albert Street there. And yeah, just spent a lot of time in that video store as a kid. You know, probably going once a week and yeah, just loved it. When I think of the video store, the one thing I really, that I think was really beautiful about it, and it's the tiniest detail, was the return slot in the door, right? And it went down into a little bucket that had a pillow on it. Oh my god. And I always remember, so that the video hit the pillow and not a bucket. And I just thought, I think back on that. And I just, there's something so adorable about an old pillow that caught the movies that you watched.
But yeah, you know, the smell of that place and the popcorn and everything. And you know, new release section, the weeklies and going to the different areas. And yeah.
So Freshwater, it's in Sydney. Whereabouts in Sydney did you grow up?
It's Freshwater. It used to be called Harbord. And the name got changed to Freshwater. It's always been Freshwater Beach.
And it's just north of Manly. So one beach north of Manly and the northern beach is there.
My dad grew up there. And when he met my mum in England, my mum was originally English, they came back here. And dad was like, they moved to a couple of places.
But then... Pretty different from England. Yeah.
And then when mum was pregnant, was met with me, it was kind of coming into the summer. And it was a bit warm where they were. And she was like, I'd rather be giving birth near the beach.
He goes, I got a spot. This is where we should have him.
And so, yeah. I love it. My sisters live there with their families and stuff now. So... Did you go with your sisters to the video store? Would you like pick stuff out for each other? Yeah, we had fun. Yeah, yeah. Used to see my sisters there.
We'd see them like every other weekend. And so we'd always have a film kind of night or something like that. But yeah, we'd always go around.
And I remember them showing me some movies. They're a bit older than me. So I remember being a bit young to see Donnie Darko.
Oh, wow. I think it had like maybe just come out and we were watching it. And I was like, well, this is pretty intense. Did it scare you off? Or were you just like, OK, I'm in a whole new fucking world. I wanted to be old like my sisters, you know. Yeah. I wasn't scared.
Obviously, I had to watch it again when I was older. I was like, oh, there's a few things that went over my head. You have to have some kind of understanding of like advanced mathematics, I think, to get to a certain point with that film. Yeah, it was funny watching it again and having these like recessed memories come back.
But yes, stuff like that was really awesome. Wayne's World was a favorite of mine as a kid because of my sisters and they loved it. So like movies like that were kind of my early favorite films. Wayne's World probably one of my favorite films. Wow. Well, I tell you this, Wayne's World, top five favorite movie of me all time.
All the time, Mike Myers is my greatest hero. I love him. Yeah, he's great.
Well, I will have some bad news for you. You do have to relinquish your citizenship to that video store to sign up here. Are you willing to do so? Unfortunately, civic video in hardboard freshwater is no longer, so I don't think that's a worry. OK, well, I'm going to whip up your cards. And while I do that, why don't you go make some pics for your first member, 001. Fantastic. I'm going to put your photo in there. I'm just going to cut it off from this.
Get it in. There we go. Oh, perfect. Perfect size, perfect fit. There you go.
And you will witness the first time I've ever used a laminator. Really, this is the reason I wanted to come into this store is to really just have great access to a frickin' laminator. I don't think I've ever used a laminator in my life, so it's a first for both of us, mate.
Here we go. Let's see if it works. If it doesn't, you won't have to do it. All right, here we go. It's going, it's going. Perfect. New release. All right.
Well, there's a new member special that we have. The Rental Has Anything combo, I like to call it. You get one new release, three weeklies, plus I'll even give you a bonus stuff pick of my own. Think of me as your cinematic sommelier. Fantastic. I'll pick something, I'll use my mind, I'll use all my intuitions and my extreme empathy to figure out the perfect recommendation for you. I'm really excited. So what is your new release pick? My new release pick is Banshee Has Been Assuring.
Drama. When was that? Last year, I think it came out.
I just, I got a thing with films, I think there's such things as perfect movies. What do you think a perfect movie is? Well, that's it. It's kind of everyone doing their job perfectly in that film, and also just the whole movie being a perfect movie. It might not be your favorite movie, it doesn't have to be your favorite movie, but it can be a perfect movie.
And I think Banshee's was really that. When I watched it, I mean, obviously, Martin McDonagh, his writing and directing is amazing, and obviously all the acting was unbelievable. But I think the production design was amazing. I think the cinematography was beautiful. I thought costume was great. I thought locations were good. I thought art department was great. Like, just every bit of that film, I thought was absolutely perfect. And it took me on a really beautiful journey, and it had all the bits of it, you know, that you'd expect from one of his films, but it just had so much heart and a really great message. And I thought the allegories were great.
Just every bit of it, it's probably my favorite movie of the past couple of years, actually. And I saw it in the cinemas, and it was just, I didn't want it to end. It was one of those films that I didn't want it to end. And yeah, I loved being in the cinema going, oh, it's gonna end soon. I don't want it to end soon. And that was a film like that. And still up to the end, I was still like, oh, I still don't know what was gonna happen exactly, or if we were gonna have another death, or you didn't know who they were gonna choose, who was gonna choose to die, or whatever was gonna happen. So yeah, I thought that was a brilliant film from last year, and probably one of my favorites of the past few years, for sure. Yeah, I think it's such a wonderful film.
I'm right there with you. I think that, I love the way you call it perfect film. And it is because, well, I think one of the things that helps achieve that perfection is that it's almost, like the parts are great, but it's almost more than the sum of its parts as well. There is that little special bit of alchemy that kind of brings it together. And I think you're right. It's like that kind of allegorical fable quality to it as well. It feels like a story that you would have been growing up with, or a story that you've heard before, but it's something new. And it's something that's so, like that transportive nature of film as well, where you're like, oh my God, I feel cold because I'm out here in the Irish Hills.
I'm in the Moors. I'm seeing these freaking donkeys and stuff. I can smell the freaking donkey. You're there.
It did. And it felt like, I think, yeah, fable and allegory and stuff like that. It really felt like it was so realistic and real and you felt you were there, but you also felt like it was another little world. Yes, absolutely. Fairy tale quality. Yeah, fairy tale quality to it, which at least when I think of those type of fairy tales, when I was a kid and the idea of going in the forest and peering through it, I knew it was fantastical, but I still felt it was possible. And I think Banshee's really just perfectly toed that line of, is this a fairy tale? And if it is, I believe it. And I can be in that fairy tale.
And so there was just something so special about that film, I thought. Yeah, as I said, every bit of it, absolutely brilliant and obviously funny in bits and deathly heartbreaking in others. It's hard to talk about it if people haven't seen the film, but there's some really beautifully tragic moments that rip your heart out and you're crying while smiling at the same time. And yeah, there's something really special about films that can do all the things. And I think Banshee's is able to do all the things. That's why it's a great movie. And also just two fantastic, magnificent lead performances. Oh yeah, brilliant. And to see Brendan Gleason and Colin Farrell come back together with McDonagh after In Bruges, another fantastic film.
And it's almost like that dynamic has been completely played with. And seeing Colin Farrell in this, like the last 10 years of his career has been- He's a genius. He's doing something so fresh, I think. Yeah, everything he does is exciting. I don't think, I think, yeah, as you say, the past, I mean, a lot of his career, but yeah, maybe there's 15 years we've had of just this absolute joy to see him make such interesting choices. And every time you see what he's doing, you're like, oh, that's interesting. I can't wait to see that. And maybe the most interesting stuff he's doing is with his eyebrows. They are some of the most fucking expressive worms I've ever seen on film. Yeah, he's got an amazing quality of being just so devilishly handsome and charismatic and cool and then so believable in everything.
And so you're still able to connect to him, even though he has this amazing kind of quality of like, wow, you're the coolest guy. You're one of the coolest people in the world. But you still think you can have a beer with him. And I'm sure you could.
He's got that quality, which is a real, I don't know, it's a bit of a fairy dust kind of quality that you can't manufacture or you either kind of got it or not. And Colin seems like that kind of guy. Yeah, absolutely. And especially like he's got this weird movie star quality where he's like, obviously the guy's very handsome. He's hot. We can't deny it. It cannot be like the guy's hot.
But then all the stuff he's been doing recently, it is almost sweeping that movie star quality away and embracing something so odd, weird and eclectic. And it's almost like the performances themselves are egoless. Even though there's like, obviously there's some ego in being like a huge, fantastic actor, but the performance themselves, free of ego.
Yeah, he's just picking great films. He's like, it's going to be a good movie. And there's going to be a fun, you can see him having fun. Like, I think that's another thing with films is that you can see when they're enjoyable to make.
I think no matter what the subject of the film is, that kind of comes through in the pulse, in the literal blood pumping through people on the screen. And if it's fun to make the attention to details there and as I say about people doing their job really well, that's everyone doing their job really well. There's not a bit that's missed. And you can tell there's just something that comes through the screen in terms of people enjoyed this and really worked hard and wanted to make a great film and loved the process of it. And you know, making films is really, really fun. It's a great job. And so it's really a fun job. It's stressful and it's chaotic and it's crazy. And sometimes you're tearing your hair out. But we all come back to it because we can't get enough of doing it because it's so much fun. And you kind of see that come through the screen that way. And you can see Colin having fun in the movies he's making. And I think that's a really...
I'm so happy for him, you know. We're happy for you, Colin, if you're out there listening. We're so happy for you. You're the coolest, man. Yeah, we think you're cool, man. Yeah.
And then the other performances are obviously Brendan Gleeson. But is it Kelly Condon that plays his sister? Oh, Kerry Condon. Kerry Condon.
She was maybe my favorite character and my favorite performance in the movie was her. And right behind her was probably Barry Keaton.
Yeah. And then right up, the old crone lady. Exactly. I love that old crone lady. She was great.
But there was something about Kerry's performance as his sister and that kind of the heartbreak of her being trapped in inner Sharon and trying to get out and the responsibilities of being who she was in that village. And I don't know. I thought for me, I was really... That was maybe my favorite character and performance of the film.
And then Barry's performance was just utterly heartbreaking. Heartbreaking.
He was amazing. He's an amazing actor, that guy.
I would say like, man, it kind of resonated with me that thought of connecting with those two characters, especially the Kerry Condon character. I think as Australians, especially Australians that are in creative field, a lot of the time you feel like you're on the other side of the world or where your dreams are. And I feel like that's just a small little microcosm of capturing that feeling.
And I'm like, yeah, fuck. Yeah. That's me. That character is me. Exactly.
And seeing her get on the boat and stuff like that. And yeah, as I said, every bit of that movie was beautiful and heartbreaking and heartwarming and funny. And all the things, it hit you with so many emotions at once in so many parts of that film that, yeah, you were kind of...
I remember walking out and being a little... I didn't know what I felt. It's like that warm melancholy.
Exactly.
I just knew I was really glad I saw it. And I was really happy that it was a film that existed now. Have you seen it since? I haven't seen it since. I only saw this in it, but I will watch it again for sure.
Well, you've got the DVD to watch now. Yeah, I'm going to rent it off you guys. Absolutely. This is what I'm doing now. It's my new release.
Weekly. All right, let's go to your next rental. Going to the weekly hires. My weekly hire. Yeah, my first weekly hire will be The Year of Living Dangerously directed by Peter Weir. Drama.
The Great Peter Weir. Now, I could have picked any Peter Weir film.
Every one of his films is absolutely brilliant. And he's probably one of my favorite filmmakers ever.
I don't know. He's obsessed with water. I just... Really? Yeah, yeah.
Every one of his movies is something about water in them. There's some water in there, yeah. He did a whole one on the ocean, so he must really like it.
Truman Show. It's an obsessive water movie. Unbelievable. So, yeah, there was obviously Truman Show, which is brilliant and kind of... I remember seeing that when I was younger and it really was such a high concept.
I hadn't... Couldn't...
It was probably the first time my brain could get around to such a high concept for a film. It's also in that Donnie Darko Millennium Mindfuck type of hero genre. Exactly. Where is reality and what are we doing here? And then obviously Master and Commander, I think is amazing. Gallipoli, brilliant. Oh my gosh, yeah. Dead Poets, obviously. But the other film I would have chosen if it wasn't for this one would have been Witness with Harrison Ford. Oh, wow. And that movie has a...
John Book, the character's name, John Book. John Book, yeah.
It's a fantastic film and there's real moments in that film that are akin to Barry Lyndon in terms of the cinematography involved, where he does just set up paintings and films in a way like these qualities of these shots are really painting-esque and really amazing. And then obviously the story is classic and great and Harrison Ford's amazing.
But I digress. Peter Weir, you're an absolute legend and I think you're the best. The Year of Living Dangerously. Why is this the one that you picked over all the others?
There's something about this film that has a huge sweeping romance to it, but is also inside a really consequential and interesting historical setting. History, I think, is really interesting and I'm always kind of drawn to that in most things. And so that is another really interesting part, this kind of consequential thing. And then on top of that, the story and the way it's told and the characters involved are so true.
I believe every one of them wholly is people. I think everyone is so crafted in that way.
I think Mel Gibson is utterly captivating in that film. And you're so invested in his character and him and then Sigourney Weaver as well. And then on top of all of that, you've got Linda Hunt playing Billy. And she won the Oscar for it. She won Best Supporting Actress for it, playing a male character. And she is the heart and soul of that film. And I think that's a really amazing juggling act is to have a heart and soul of a film and a story and then have orbiting that this amazing romance and then orbiting that.
And then this is all orbiting a giant political kind of coup that's happening in Jakarta. So consequential and something that we don't really know much about, actually. This kind of in terms of history, it's not a hugely documented thing. I think in the west of this period of that country's history. And I think Indonesia in general, it's what the fourth most populous country in the world or something like that. It's 250 million people there, but it doesn't get the... I don't think it's acknowledged for how important it is a place.
And so to have all that existing around that was so amazing. And yeah, you got to love the kind of two people falling in love in pouring rain. Absolutely. That's the water obsession right there. It's the water obsession there when they go and they have that drink and then it starts belting down with rain. And it's amazing. And then there's another bit where she comes and finds him in the office and it's been raining and she just kind of grabs him and they have this amazing kiss.
And yeah, every bit of that film is great, is great. Every bit of that film, I remember just emotionally it really struck me as watching it. And it's a film that I would, a film that inspires me. I would love to make a film like that. Yeah. I would love to make a film like that.
I think as well, it's like this great, like it's one of the great journalism films as well. Great journalism films. And there's like a real history of those embedded overseas journalism films. And I think with this one, what it captures, it captures like that danger and the personal story within the greater context of history as well.
But that Linda Hunt performance, I mean, that's, it's hard to, when you talk about this movie, it's hard to talk about anything else but that performance because it happened at the one point in history where it could ever happen, where there was the right person to play this character. And the right person to play that character is someone that can't play that character now. And it's a woman playing a cisgender man, Chinese man, dwarfism, and she's an American woman.
Yeah. And it's mesmerizing.
And she is Billie. She's Billie.
Like it is, it's, I mean, it's just the kind of, the magic of acting in that way. And it's so rare to... Transformative acting. Yeah, and for such a pivotal character, for those decisions to be made, for Peter Weir to make that decision, for Linda Hunt to have the courage to do it, and to be like, yeah, I can do this, and put in that performance, and, oh, it's great. Yeah, I mean, it's, you know, if you haven't seen it, there's a moment towards the end of it where obviously Mills got Billie and, oh, it broke my heart, broke my heart. And also Billie as a character is this kind of center ground of the film, this moral center ground, but there's no saintliness, there's no kind of pomposity or pretension to this character.
There's a real desire to go out and you see this kind of journey of that character, which I think in another story or another director's hands, they could have just left them there as a character. But you see their journey, like they really go on a journey themselves. And that's really interesting when they are the rock and the other people are going on the journey as well, I don't know.
And it's like, how do you ground that performance? Yeah. It's like we said before, it's alchemy. There's something about it where Peter Weir is like such a wizard, where he was able to go, yeah, this is a performance that grounds the movie. And it is something that is undescribable.
And I've been doing this series recently where I've been lucky enough to interview a lot of like the great Australian filmmakers. And without fail, when I asked them, like, who is a filmmaker that you admire? Without fail, the first name out of everyone's mouth is Peter Weir.
Yeah, he's just got, he's got the runs on the board. He's genius. He knows what to do.
And also you're living dangerously. It's exciting. It's an exciting film.
I mean, just the title alone. Yeah, exactly. And you kind of, you sense the excitement of that lifestyle of living there, of being those expats and just the excitement of the chase and being in a dangerous place and getting through those dangers and running right up to them and going past them. And yeah, I, yeah, love that movie. Absolutely love it.
You've worked with Mel Gibson on Hacksaw Reeds. Yeah, I got to work with Mel.
Did you ever talk to him about this movie? No, I didn't actually. I didn't, I didn't really talk that much about his previous stuff. He'd tell us a couple of funny stories of like doing a few of them. And, and stuff like that. But no, I didn't talk to him about this. Maybe next time I talk to him, I'll ask him about it.
What was it like working with him? Because he's like such an intense actor, director, but also like one of the undeniable movie stars. Yeah, I was terribly nervous when I got the job. Just realizing you're going to work with someone who's one of the best ever to do it. But then the moment you meet him, he just dissipates all that.
Because he's such a lovely man. Yeah. He's such an excited man. He loves making movies. He loves telling stories. And his excitement and his, it's weird. I thought I'd be intimidated and be really scared, but this, he has some magical quality as a person that really allows you to, that he just gives you confidence in buckets in this amazing way that, yeah, as I said, I thought I was worried I would freeze and not be able to communicate or not be able to do anything. But there's something about Mel where he just trusts you and suddenly imbues this confidence in you that I kind of, I was 10 feet tall making that film because of him and the way.
That did shrink you in CGI later. Yeah, they had to. I was too big. If I put on too much muscle for that.
But no, just his want for you to have fun and to bring ideas. All the great directors that I've worked with, Mel, Baz, Roger, who we're going to talk about, they're great leaders and great leaders allow people to do their job to their highest level. They're allowing people to be amazing at their job from everyone down. That's not to say that is everyone. And, you know, someone from costume department would always feel safe in the middle of the shoot to come up and be like, Mel's hot.
There's something wrong with that. That needs to change.
And Mel will be like, oh, great. I'm so glad you're on it. Please go.
Oh, that's, you know, that kind of, you didn't feel like you couldn't say anything. The trust in collaboration.
He was like, please come if it's tell me how to make it better. We're all going to make a bit like tell me how to make this better, please.
That was really exciting. And and as I said, it was like, oh, he's like, you can do this like you're amazing. I've ever seen in more more eloquent kind of ways and stuff like that. That was the feeling I got of him kind of of working within that way was just, oh, wow, like I can do this. And he thinks I can do this. I might be able to do this. And so, yeah, I can't say I had just the most amazing time working and getting to know him. And we all see we spent some time together doing the press tour and stuff like that.
So, yeah, really, really special guy. Really special person.
It's so interesting because like when you think about his films as first as an actor, like working with Peter Weir, Gallipoli, the year of living dangerously, I think those films definitely inform what he becomes as a director for sure. Especially, I would say a year of living dangerously because there's something a quality to his films as a filmmaker where it's almost like he's making freaking apocalypse now every time. And then to hear that the actual nature of make them is nurturing collaborative creativity, fun and fun. As I said, there's moments of stress on films. Absolutely. And, you know, making Hacksaw Ridge is a very intense movie.
It's about every day. It was there wasn't, you know, there's very few soft days on that film. Most days are really kind of intense.
I mean, your first second on the film, you get a knife stabbed into your foot.
Exactly. But the life and the laughs that happened all through there. And he taught me things in the middle of making a film. So I remember doing a scene and he kind of gave me some direction. He was like, that was that was perfect. But say it while looking there and then say that line and then look at him. And I was like, he's like, but do it exactly the same, but just do that. And I was like, OK. And then so I did that.
And you just hear him go, yes, and then cut. He goes, come over here. And he came over and showed me on the monitor. He goes, play that one before. And he plays the one for you.
See, this is really good. This is amazing. But I'll play the next one. He goes, this one is better. Wow.
Because he taught me the technical part. He was going, technically, this is a little technical thing. He said emotionally it was really good. But here's a little technical thing that really makes it pop. And to take time out of the day of setting up to teach you that and to show you that, I think it was just his love of film. And as I said, his love of trying to help people and I don't know, his excitement for it. For someone to do that for me and for him to do that, it was it was really, really awesome.
How did that experience change you as an actor or an artist? I became a bit more aware of those bits of it. I mean, you're learning all the time. And I was maybe like 25. And to be on a set of that kind of caliber, I hadn't worked on that kind of caliber in that way. And so it made me a bit more, I guess, thinking of films or if there's ever a choice between two, I remember sitting going, OK, now I know how to pick them.
If I don't know how to choose one, I'll be like, oh, which set am I going to be sitting on, which I was wishing I was on the other one? Or which set am I going to be sitting on, wishing I wasn't doing?
You know, what what I learned from it, I was like, that's what I look for now. How much can I learn from these and what can I get from them and stuff like that?
Not in a two-step process. Not in a too selfish way, but just in a personal way. In terms of changing me as an artist, I don't know.
He gave me confidence. He gave me confidence and the next level of confidence that I didn't possess.
Wow. Yeah. Beautiful.
That's the Year of Living Dangerously. Yeah, Year of Living Dangerously and a bit of Hacksaw Ridge Dribble. But Year of Living Dangerously, amazing movie.
Go fall in love with that film and go fall in love with every part of it. Your next film is one I'm very excited to talk about. My next film is The Lives of Others.
Thriller. The Lives of Others by Florian Henkel von Donishmark. That's it. The Lives of Others.
It's a brilliant film. When I finished watching that movie, I sat there and went, I think that's the best film I've ever seen in my life. When did you see it? I saw it kind of recently, actually.
But I really, I've spent a bit of time in Berlin. I've got friends there and I actually did, I've done a little bit of work there. And so over the years I've spent time there. It fascinates me as a place and so does kind of East West Berlin.
For some reason, it just, I'm really interested in it. Yeah. How two worlds can live next to each other and whatever it is about it, I'm just fascinated by it. And so then when my mate kind of recommended this film to me, and then I got a chance to watch it and I was just so struck by every bit about it. And the end of, and as I said, I got to the end of it and I just thought that I don't know if I've ever seen a better movie than that.
And it really puts you in that point in history because it's set in, across a few years in 1980s. Early 80s, mid 80s kind of thing. Mid 80s I think it is. Mid 80s and it's kind of got a little bit of a saga, like it goes over a few years.
Yes. And it is from the perspective mostly of a Stasi agent, an undercover, undercover, I guess the word you would use is surveillance guy. I mean, I guess that's what Stasi people were. It was all about monitoring and surveillance and stuff. So yeah, he... Complete surveillance of the entire population. Yes, exactly. Knowing everything about everybody.
And it immerses you in that perspective, which at that time, it's pretty controversial to go, I guess, to humanize a character like that after the walls come down, after there's reunification. And I was reading about it at this time. We had Goodbye Lenin, which is a comedy that deals with a lot of the same stuff. But from the perspective of now, it's about a woman who comes out of a coma and doesn't know that the wall has come down and that Germany and Berlin have reunified. And this was the first serious film to deal with that subject matter.
Yeah, and in a way of addressing the absolute complete invasion and absolute trashing of any type of privacy in your life. And I think that's what this film does in such an amazing way of just the possibility of it and how it happened and the inability to trust anyone in it. And then also showing the loneliness of existing in that place and being that guy. There's something about that main character that is so terribly lonely. And that is just, as you say, it humanized him. And that was a controversial part of it was that, yeah, there were some people that did really bad stuff doing this, but I don't know, there's something I think really brave about humanizing someone like that.
And then also another film where every bit of it is perfect from a visual perspective, from a production designer, you're completely immersed in this world. You are completely there. It feels so authentic. It feels so authentic and so time traveling to there. You just feel it. At times it feels like a documentary. A time that feels like you're watching true lives.
And the suspension of disbelief is completely, completely, completely there. So yeah, the twists and turns of it as well coming at the end. And I think the ending is one of the most beautiful endings of a film after heartbreaking moments leading up to that and frustration and annoyance of this world that they were living in. But then the ending for me was just absolutely beautiful, absolutely beautiful. And so, yeah, there's something about it that was just mesmerizing for me, that film mesmerizing. I was completely, completely taken in by it in a way that films should, but I don't know, this was on another level for me, this film.
I remember seeing it for the first time. I saw it in cinemas. I would have been like maybe 15 when it came out, 2006. I think 2007 here. So I remember seeing the Margaret and David review where they're like, this is the best. It had already won best foreign language film at the Oscars by the time it came out here. And it was a bit of a surprise that it won.
Not anymore. Not anymore now.
And I remember my mum had seen it and she was like, I got to take you to go see this. At that point in time, I was already like a budding cinephile. I was watching all the Oscar nominees anyway and went to go see it. I just remember being like in such a wonderful way to experience this point in history because it is so immersive and it is so, like the perspectives I think are really on point and especially when it's about a film that is literally about perspective. Like it's about seeing the lives of others through the eyes of someone who lives their life as a fucking observer. Like there's something about that where it just really, really nails it. And I would put it in the same conversation as the conversation in another film that captures that same loneliness of being the observer.
And I think this one's really beautiful. Really beautiful. Yeah, again, every performance is brilliant.
The main writer, he's so captivating as an actor. I mean, the main stars, the officer. He's the kind of person where I was just reading a bit about him because he's kind of like- That he's Ulrich Muir. Yeah, and I think he passed away.
Not long after the film. Not long after the film, yeah.
And I was thinking about, because when I was thinking about this the other day, I was sitting there going, he would have been a brilliant Hans Lander in glorious pastas. It almost feels like- If it wasn't Christoph Waltz, you're like, oh, that's the, maybe I wouldn't be surprised if Quentin saw that movie and like there was elements of that character that sparked something in him in that kind of his wiliness, his knowledge of what is going to trigger people.
The interrogation scenes. The interrogation parts of it.
His ability to be a, quote unquote, gray man, like a forgettable person. His ability to walk through the world. Unnoticed.
Which is tragic. Unnoticed, which is tragic, but also what made him so good at it. It's a brilliant performance, brilliant performance. And yeah, the writer and the actress, their relationship is beautiful. And oh yeah, it's just, there's so many tragic bits in it, but it's not all tragic.
I don't know. That's it.
It's got this little hopeful kind of- Some little kernel in it, right? Yeah, that people can be good. There's something there for people to come to and to latch on.
But meanwhile, you're like, people are also awful. There's characters in there, you're just like, you're an asshole.
Absolutely. The guy that gets him to do the surveillance, Humpf or something, I think his name is, and he's just this pig of a man. Yeah, real rat. A real pig of a bloke.
And he just like- You're a real porky bastard. You're real awful.
There's a great bit right at the end when the writer sees him in the lobby of the theater. And he says to him, have a little chat.
And the writer says to him, I can't believe you guys are in a country. And I think that's a great stinging rebuke of these people. It's like, how did you guys run a bloody country? You guys are awful and useless. I think I was like, I don't know.
There was good bits in that, but yeah, unbelievable. It is the directorial debut. Isn't that insane? Yeah, and he like wrote it. He was only like 16 when The Wall came down or something like that. And he did it all. And yeah, his directorial debut, a movie like that, jeez. One of the most impressive, I would say, one of the most impressive directorial debuts.
Great film, The Lies of Others. The Lies of Others, must watch.
Must watch. Absolute must watch.
I think if you're someone that maybe has not taken that leap into international foreign language cinema, into European film, I think it is like a really great gateway film. For sure, for sure. Exactly, to see how good a story can be. And at the bottom line of that movie, it's an unbelievable story. The script and the story is just perfect.
There's not one bit of it you take out. There's not anything you put in. There's not one bit of that script or that whole film that is surplus to requirements.
All right, let's get into your final pick. No Way Out. Thriller. No Way Out, directed by Roger Donaldson.
It's like 1987. Spot on. And it is one of Kevin Costner's, I think like his first major leading role in a film, actually. I think he might have, I think Untouchables might have come out a little bit later that year or maybe the next year. Maybe just before, but still there's an ensemble quality to it. Yeah, so Kevin Costner wasn't Kevin Costner.
This was his first kind of thing and he is amazing in this film. Now, I always say this about this movie. I am really jealous and excited for people to see it for the first time. It's got great twists and turns and this and that and the whole time you're like, what's going on? I said, there is a, and it goes in all these different directions and it's such an exciting film and like sexy and great and funny in parts and just some really great characters, some really great chase scenes, some supreme tension and just an all around great fun film.
Yeah, I will admit to you, my shame is I had never seen this film before. I can't believe I've stumped you then.
Until this moment, I have this special power where if I see the DVD in front of me, I can place my hand on it and within seconds, I can absorb the movie. I absorbed the movie in its entirety. In probably four seconds, it took me to get through it and I will admit it, in those four seconds, there would have been moments where I was absorbed in complete, you know, it's got the right moments. Yeah, absolutely. So in your presence when the movie came across to me, there would have been moments, maybe a fraction of a second where I was turned on because this film has got it all.
I guess like how would we describe this film? It's kind of like in that era of Cold War. Cold War, spy, espionage.
It's a remake of a movie called The Big Clock. I didn't know that. Yeah, from the 1940s. Australian filmmaker Mia Farrow's father was the director of it. I had no idea. Great film as well. I'd seen The Big Clock before, but that is not a military thing. The military is the new invention of this film.
So basically, Kevin Costner is in the Navy but he's based in like Washington. I mean, he does go on a ship in one bit of it, but he's like a new hot star in the Navy. He's a star of the Navy.
He's a hero. He's done some heroic stuff. He comes back. He's a maverick, if you will. Yeah, but like really good boy. Good American lad. The only Kevin Costner can play. Yeah, in a really nice way. He's nice, crisp, white uniform.
And he's based in Washington. And Gene Hackman plays the Secretary of Defense. And he can see Kevin Costner as being a hand kind of helping him get around what he needs to navigate in terms of the Washington circle and stuff like that.
Meanwhile, Kevin Costner falls in love with Sean Young. They have this whirlwind romance and they fall in love and it's amazing. And then Sean passes away.
And that happens quite, it's a bit of a shock in the film. It happens quite early. Not early, but it kind of you're like, oh, whoa. And then the movie takes off.
Absolutely. And I think a difference is in the big clock, that's where the movie starts. Right. Is that exact point. Right, where I think that does a really good job in leading us down the garden path of what type of film is this going to be. And then suddenly you're like, oh, it's this film. And it's just full throttle. I have a real soft spot for films where someone knows too much. Yeah.
And they maybe don't know what they know, but they know too much. And someone thinks they know too much. And I've got a real soft spot for films like that. Three Days of Condor, The Firm, stuff like that. And no way out's right in that world of someone knowing too much and having the walls close in on them a bit. So yeah, having the walls, Kevin Costner, the walls are closing in.
And he's a bit of a pawn in this game. He's a pawn and he's trying to find his agency with him.
I think there's something that's like truly so fucking thrilling about this, where just like on the paper level of this film, the idea of someone investigating a murder and all the clues are pointing back at them. Yes. Is like, that's a nightmare to know. People wake up in the middle of the night like, oh my God, I'm having a panic attack. I dreamt that I was a detective trying to solve a murder. And then all the clues point back to me.
And he plays it so swiftly. There's something about it. It's brilliant.
Yeah, he's basically put in charge of investigating Sean Young's murder. And in the process of that, he realizes that they're framing him for it. Or they're trying to frame him for it. And then, so that's the whole thing.
Meanwhile, there's a whole Russian spy element to the film. They're framing someone as a Russian spy. That is happening, that is giving the pretense for them to go on this murder investigation using this kind of, you know, mythical Russian spy that they think has been running around the Pentagon for a while, right?
So you've got the puzzle wrapped up in the enigma and on top of that. And it all just kind of swirling around. And the tension of it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds. And it just keeps going as a film. It doesn't really let you down. And as you say, it's another film with all the bits.
There's a beautiful, like, they fall in love. There's some sexy bits. There's some bits on a Navy ship where Kevin Costner saves some guy's life in the high seas. Speaking of De Palma, The Untouchables, even like a train chase scene, like in Carlito's Way. Exactly, there's that. There's a whole...
What about the big kind of running around the Pentagon? There's a whole bit where they're trying to find someone inside the Pentagon. They're locking down the Pentagon and these people are going from door to door in the Pentagon and Kevin's got to get around and over here and oh, it's just great.
And beautifully directed by wonderful Australian New Zealand journeyman filmmaker Roger Donaldson. Roger Donaldson, who I had the pleasure of making a film with. I did a film called November Man.
Opposite Al James Bond, Mr Pierce Brosnan, which was an absolute thrill. It's almost like you're the Kevin Costner to his Gene Hackman as well.
I hope, I will take that. I'll take that comparison any day of the week. Thank you. But yeah, so I got to work with Roger and when I got the job, I then, I was talking to some friends, a really good friend of mine.
Shout out to Liz Hannah, an amazing screenwriter. She wrote The Post and is doing amazing work over in America at the moment. Girl from Plainville. She wrote the one with, what's, Charlize Theron and Seth Rogen, where she's...
Oh yeah, of course. Which I loved. She did such a good job.
Yeah, what's it called? It's called Long Shot. Long Shot.
Amazing movie, Liz. I reckon that's one of the best rom-coms of the last few years. It's amazing. So Liz Hannah, good friend of mine. We've been friends for years and then when I got November Man, she was like, oh, yes.
We have to watch No Way Out. Oh, wow. And I was like, I have no idea. She's like, you're working with Roger. We have to watch this movie. So we sat down just before I went and watched it and we watched it and we both just like, she'd already seen it, I think one time and we just loved it.
And then I got to go and work with Roger and I was just so excited because he just crafted that movie so, so well. And yeah, it was amazing, amazing, amazing working with Roger. He's a really great guy. I loved working with him. If you're making another one, Roger, give me a call, man. I'd love to work with you again. But he was great.
He told me some really, there's a funny scene at the start of No Way Out involving the limo when Kevin Costner and Sean Young are in the back of a limousine and there's a limo driver and he's got a good little cameo. And Roger was, I was like, what was the guy with that? And I think, and if I remember the story correctly, Roger said that that was the guy that picked him up from the airport when he was going to shoot the film in Washington. Whoa. And Roger was chatting to him, seeing some funny stuff in the back of the limo. He's like, oh yeah. And he was just a really fun guy. And Roger then was like, cast him in the movie. And then when the movie came out, I think Roger said that in this guy's hometown on the cinema, it had No Way Out starring this guy's name and Kevin Costner kind of thing.
And so that was a really cool story. I was like, that's a great story. Roger was like casting the guy that picked him up from the airport because he had some funny stories and a nice guy. And there's some funny bits in it. But yeah, so that was good. But Roger's great, loved working with him. He was such a, I was really, that was kind of, I was like 23, I was quite young and I was just kind of making a few more movies actually and getting a bit more agency and being a kind of a bit more in the lead of the next level kind of thing when I worked with Roger. And I learned a lot from working with him. It was great.
We made November Man for not much money for an action movie like that with no second unit. Now, if you know anything about making films and making action ones, it really helps to have a second unit to do all the fiddly, complicated action stuff. We were crashing cars and fight scenes and stuff. It's a violent, grisly movie as well.
And so then doing that, watching Roger do that and then also us doing the dramatic stuff in between it and watching him make that was really, I was like, okay, this is a bloke who really knows how to do this. And I remember we had one day where we kind of, we kind of got everything, we kind of got everything with maybe nine or 10 hours of the day. And I was like, oh, good day. What are we gonna, have we done everything today? He's like, everything was on the page. Yeah, I think, yeah. He's like, yeah, we've done it. I go, what are we doing now? He goes, well, mate, we've paid everyone to be here for 12 hours. We might as well get our money's worth and find something to shoot. And we just found- You became second unit. We found stuff to pick up and do. And I was like, oh, that's so great. And it was not so, he wasn't like, we're staying here cracking whips. He was like, guys, why don't we just make our life easier? I mean, no stress, but we needed, we've got to get that in so to that thing and we can do that. A few martini shots. Yeah, we just did a couple of things and it was a nice kind of like leisurely way to kind of like finish a day. But I remember him being like, yeah, man, we're into work, let's do it. And I realized like, yeah, it makes sense, absolutely.
Good line. Well, thank you for the gift of No Way Out. It's great to have it in my life. Oh, I'm so glad. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I can't wait to be the person showing it to someone else. To someone else because then you get to watch it again. I showed it to someone else recently actually. Wow, you're spreading it. Yeah, it was actually kind of recently when I watched it again and it was with someone and they were just like, oh, thank you so much for showing me that film. So I'm glad you liked it and I'm glad you've, you now got that and can give it on. Well, this is it. This is me giving it on right now. Fantastic. Well, it is only fair that I give you a gift in return now and you had such great picks.
So it got me so excited cooking up like, what can I give you as a recommendation? To the point I was also worried like, have you seen like anything I could possibly recommend you? Oh, there's millions of movies I haven't seen. I think I did okay though. I think I've done okay because your picks are all really interesting because there's something that ties them together.
And when I was thinking about it, all of these films, there's like a high pressure, international intrigue, espionage, political thrillers with those personal stakes as well. And another thing that ties them all together, like really great actors, not just great performances, great actors. Captivating. Captivating presences. And a lot of them like great body of work as well. But there's something about these films that stick out in their body of work. And I was even thinking like, oh, well, you know, the odd one out here is kind of Banchies of Inner Sheeran until I started thinking about, no, no, no, that is also deep in the background is the Irish Civil War. And it's the personal story within that. The allegory of two mates that are now, hey, they're fighting, you know? And like, I'm watching it happen just over there and seeing that and, you know, all these big giant things that are happening in these films are still people involved, right?
So I've actually, because you're our first customer at the new store, I have given you a little treat. I'm giving you two recommendations today. Fantastic. Thank you so much. I would say both of them fit right in that context.
The first film I want to give you is Missing starring Jack Lemmon and Sissy Spacek. Thriller. Missing, I haven't seen Missing. What is it about?
So it is from the master of the political thriller, Costa Gavras, a Greek French filmmaker. He made Z, The Confession, a bunch of other great films, but all in that political thriller genre. And he is the one that is known as the greats of that genre. Up there with like Alan Pakula, people that made like, you know, All The President's Men, those kinds of films.
But this film is based on a true story. It's set in Chile during the coup of Pinochet. And in the story is Sissy Spacek and her husband are like journalists. They're like radical leftists that are living embedded in Chile. The husband goes missing and Jack Lemmon plays that man's father who's like an older Republican, conservative type man. I've heard of this story. And he comes with Sissy Spacek and he kind of blames her for her son going missing.
And he comes to Chile to try and find him. And he, it's an experience that changes him. Like he goes on the journey of seeing like, oh, what is life really like out there under a dictatorship, under like this, you know, a fascist regime uprising.
And it is, it's fascinating. I believe it won best screenplay at the Academy Awards as well for Costa Gavras' screenplay. Amazing. But there's something about this that just, I think it ticked all those boxes for you. That does. Completely clicked. And I just think.
He knows too much.
Or they don't know anything they're trying to find out. Don't know what we know. They don't know what they know.
And I thought I could just see you really like digging into this one. It's been hard to find. I literally bought this Blu-ray two weeks ago. Amazing. That's how we got the prop here today. Oh, that's so good. Because I had to see it. All right. Can't wait to watch it.
And pick number two. This came off the back of Badgers of Innistria and just really thinking about that film again. And this is a film directed by Carol Reed in his lead up to his iconic The Third Man.
Wow. It's Odd Man Out starring James Mason. Crime. Unbelievable. And this is. Talk about captivating James Mason, right? Absolutely. And I think this might be. I mean, for me, this is his best performance. Oh, I love it already. So this is from 1947.
It's set in an anonymous city. But it's unnamed Belfast. Like it's clearly Belfast the whole time.
And he plays a man on the run. And he's part of an organization. It's the IRA. And he is basically bleeding out as the whole city is searching for him.
And I expected this film to be political in its nature. Like it reads like a political noir thriller of the era.
But what I didn't expect when I came to it is it's quite sprawling, but in his existentiality of it all. Right. It's a really existential film. It's really like in the mind of James Mason as being a man on the run. Oh, I love that idea of that existential. The existentiality of it.
And these two as well. And I guess another thing with No Way Out. I guess another theme of all these films of mine that I've chosen of a year of living dangerously of that. And it's something I think that what made John le Carre such a great storyteller was his ability to have the real individual consequences for individuals of giant isms.
Right. Yeah.
That all these big kind of worldwide events are just made up of people. And they're all being used by each other and they're all being used by the system. And I think these two are very similar like that. These individual consequences of these bigger pressures kind of playing down on them. It's like being the individual in the part of an international situation. Exactly.
And they're always the ones that lose. It's never going to be the bigger idea of it. They're always just going to be these kind of faithless kind of behemoths that just keep rolling on and hoover up these people. And these lives get destroyed and turned and they don't become their lives anymore. They're just these little bits in it. They're getting discarded.
And these seem like two movies that really fit that bill as well. I hope so. I like when you talk about that existentialism of it. Yeah. And that's the thing that really surprised me about that film.
What's the point, you know? Why are we doing, you know, like Clive Owen at the end of Born. Do you have a no way here? Do you have no way you're supposed to kill me?
Yeah. And then Matt Cezadega Ramirez. Do you know where you're supposed to kill me? Look at my Micky Giv. Ah, it's great. People just getting chewed up and spit out. Yeah.
Oh, great films. I can't wait to watch them. Thank you. I'm so excited for you to watch them. And you'll have to let us know if you like them. I will.
And if you don't like them, I will take it as criticism. I will take this personal criticism. They are right up my alley. I will commit hara-kiri if you don't like them.
Oh no, I'm doing that. That is my code. I don't think you're in any worry of that. I feel safe today.
These are pretty good people making them. So I'm sure they're great.
Well, Luke, thank you for being our first customer at the newly refurbished boot to the video. Here are your rentals. Here's your card. Thank you very much.
And come back anytime. I will be back.
We're going to have to maybe watch some of these movies together, Matt. Absolutely. We can put them on the TV up here in the store. That'd be great. Is there anything you're working on at the moment? I know you've got Mercy Roads has just kind of come out online. Yeah, that's on Apple TV, I believe.
That was a film I did that was like one of the hardest things I'd do in my life. I mean, it's basically just you on screen the whole time. Yeah, it's me having a nervous breakdown in a car for 86 minutes.
Yeah, Sin City as well is the other kind of thing that it kind of feels like. It's like dark and it's a bit weird. And you're not quite sure. Everyone that's seen it has a different idea of what happens, which I think was really cool. And yeah, there's this kind of like... That's the Donnie Darko influence coming in for you. Yeah, there's this...
I mean, John Curran, the director, did an amazing job. Fantastic filmmaker. Yeah, really great filmmaker and really the perfect guy to help guide me through that film.
It's really intense. Like, I'm not going to sit here and say it's a holiday of the world. It's an intense movie, but it's got just 86 minutes of just... And it doesn't stop.
And I really had... It was such a... It's a challenge, right? It's such a challenge to make that film. For me, it's hard for me to watch it. I kind of got maybe 10 minutes into it. And then I was like... But... Must be confronting just going like, oh, that's just me on screen. Yeah, it was really... It was hard. And also just in the best way. It was one of the hardest things I'll ever do. Just because of the intensity of it and being the only one there.
So I'm really proud of it. Really proud that it got made and we got it done. And John did an amazing job that way.
So that's an Apple TV. I think I have one just come out called One True Loves that should be out in cinemas. I don't know. But yeah, there's a few of them around. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, I'm going to go to work again soon. So I'll have more to come. Yeah. Many more to come. Hopefully, some that have... I've got my year of living dangerously and my lives of others coming up and... I can see them. Yeah.
I can see every movie in the future as well. We have everything that's ever been made and ever will be made in stock in this store. Exactly.
And I can see them out there. Yeah, they're out there. They're out there. I'll hopefully be able to come back... Just pass the pornos. They're out there.
Yeah, exactly. I'll come back and hopefully be able to hand over you a couple of good ones that are inspired by my choices today. Well, I think they will. Thank you so much. Come back anytime, brother. Thanks for having me, mate. I appreciate it. Slipping through that shoot, I'll put a pillow right there at the bottom. That's so sweet. I don't want them to get hurt. Thanks, mate. Thank you.
The Last Video Store. A big cheers and thank you to Luke Bracey for joining me in The Last Video Store. What wonderful pics that he selected for us.
The Banshees of Inner Sheeran is available to watch on Disney Plus. The Year of Living Dangerously is on Binge and you can get it on VOD. The Lives of Others, a great German language film.
Unfortunately, I have to tell you, it's a little bit hard to find right now, but it's worth searching for. No Way Out, the Kevin Costner thriller classic is on Amazon Prime. Missing. Also missing in action. It's a great film. Quite hard to find. But it's worth searching for.
There's a great Blu-ray from Indicator in the UK that I have bought twice because I gave it to someone as a gift because I loved it so much. And Odd Man Out, the Carol Reed classic is on the Criterion channel. So if you're a subscriber, definitely chuck it on. Until next time, I've been Alexey Toliopoulos. This has been The Last Video Store. You can watch it on YouTube. You can listen to it as a podcast, whatever you get your podcast from. And until next time, I'm going to tell you something and I'm going to make you hold on to it.
Cinema is art. Books are not because it's just writing. It's not as interesting, in my opinion. Movies, every movie is better than every book.
Yeah, that's true. Sorry. About captivating James Mason, right? Absolutely. And I think this might be, I mean, for me, this is his best. Oh, I love it already. So this is from 1947.
It's set in an anonymous city, but it's unnamed Belfast. Like it's clearly Belfast the whole time.
And he plays a man on the run and he's part of an organization. It's the IRA. And he is basically bleeding out as the whole city is searching for him. And I expected this film to be political in its nature. Like it reads like a political noir thriller of the era. But what I didn't expect when I came to it is it's quite sprawling, but in his existentiality of it all, like it's a really existential film. It's really like in the mind of James Mason as being a man on the run.
Oh, I love that idea of that existential, the existentiality of it. And these two as well. And I guess another thing with No Way Out, I guess another theme of all these films of mine that I've chosen, of Year of Living Dangerously, of that. And it's something I think that what made John le Carre such a great storyteller was his ability to have the real individual consequences for individuals of giant isms, right? That all these big kind of worldwide events are just made up of people and they're all being used by each other and they're all being used by the system. And I think these two are very similar like that. These individual consequences of these bigger pressures kind of playing down on them. It's like being the individual in the part of an international situation. Exactly.
And they're always the ones that lose. It's never going to be the bigger idea of it. Or they're always just going to be these kind of faithless kind of behemoths that just keep rolling on and hoover up these people and these lives get destroyed and turned and they don't become their lives anymore. They're just these little bits in it that get discarded.
And these seem like two movies that really fit that bill as well. I hope so. I like when you talk about that existentialism of it. Yeah. And that's the thing that really surprised me about that film.
What's the point, you know? Why are we doing... Like Clive Owen at the end of Bourne. Do you ever know why you're here? Do you ever know why you're supposed to kill me? And then Matt says to Edgar Ramirez, do you know where you're supposed to kill me?
Look at my Micky Giv. Ah, it's great. People just getting chewed up and spit out. Yeah, great films.
I can't wait to watch them. Thank you. I'm so excited for you to watch them. And you'll have to let us know if you like them. I will.
And if you don't like them, I will take it as criticism. I will take it as personal criticism. They are right up my alley. I will commit hara-kiri if you don't like them.
Oh, no, I'm doing it. That is my code. I don't think you're in any worry of that. I feel safe today.
These are pretty good people making them. So I'm sure they're great.
Well, Luke, thank you for being our first customer at the newly refurbished boot to the video. Here are your rentals. Here's your card. Thank you very much.
And come back any time. I will be back.
We're going to have to maybe watch some of these movies together, mate. Absolutely. We can put them on the TV up here in the store. That'd be great. Is there anything you're working on at the moment? I know you've got Mercy Roads has just kind of come out online. Yeah, that's on Apple TV, I believe.
That was a film I did that was like one of the hardest things I'd do in my life. I mean, it's basically just you on screen the whole time. Yeah, it's me having a nervous breakdown in a car for 86 minutes.
Yeah, Sin City as well is the other kind of thing that it kind of feels like. It's like dark and it's a bit weird and you're not quite sure. Everyone, everyone that's seen it has a different idea of what happens. Yeah. Which I think was really cool. And yeah, there's this kind of like... That's the Donnie Darko influence coming in for you.
Yeah, there's this, I mean, John Curran, the director, did an amazing job. Fantastic filmmaker. Yeah, really great filmmaker and really the perfect guy to help guide me through that film.
It's really, it's really intense. Like I'm not going to sit here and say it's a it's a holiday of the world. It's an intense movie, but it's got just 86 minutes of just... And it doesn't stop.
And I really had, it was such a... It's a challenge, right? It's such a challenge to make that film. So for me, it's like hard for me to watch it. I kind of got maybe 10 minutes into it. And then I was like... Must be confronting just going like, oh, that's just me on screen. Yeah, it was really, it was hard.
And also just in the best way, it was one of the hardest things I'll ever do. Because of the intensity of it and being the only one there. So I'm really proud of it. Really proud that it got made and we got it done. And John did an amazing job that way.
So that's on Apple TV. I think I have one just come out called One True Loves that should be out in cinemas. Oh, I don't know. But yeah, there's a few of them around. Yeah. I don't know.
Yeah, I'm going to go to work again soon. So I'll have more to come. Yeah. Many more to come. Hopefully some that have... I've got my year of living dangerously and my lives of others coming up.
I can see them. I can see every movie in the future as well. We have everything that's ever been made and ever will be made in stock in this store. Exactly.
And I can see them out there. Yeah, they're out there. They're out there.
I'll hopefully be able to come back... Just past the pornos, they're out there. Yeah, exactly. I'll come back and hopefully be able to hand over a couple of good ones that are inspired by my choices today. Well, I think they will.
Thank you so much. Come back anytime, brother. Thanks for having me, mate. I appreciate it. Slipping through that shoot. I'll put a pillow right there at the bottom. That's so sweet. I don't want them to get hurt. Thanks, mate. Thank you.
The Last Video Store! A big cheers and thank you to Luke Bracey for joining me in The Last Video Store. What wonderful pics that he selected for us.
The Banshees of Inner Sheeran is available to watch on Disney Plus. The Year of Living Dangerously is on binge and you can get it on VOD. The Lives of Others, a great German language film.
Unfortunately, I have to tell you, it's a little bit hard to find right now, but it's worth searching for. No Way Out The Kevin Costner thriller classic is on Amazon Prime. Missing. Also missing in action.
It's a great film, quite hard to find, but it's worth searching for. There's a great Blu-ray from Indicator in the UK that I have bought twice because I gave it to someone as a gift because I loved it so much. And Odd Man Out, the Carol Reed classic, is on the Criterion Channel.
So if you're a subscriber, definitely chuck it on. Until next time, I've been Alexei Toliopoulos. This has been The Last Video Store. You can watch it on YouTube. You can listen to it as a podcast, whatever you get your podcast from. And until next time, I'm going to tell you something and I'm going to make you hold on to it.
Cinema is art. But books are not because it's just writing. It's not as interesting, in my opinion. Every movie is better than every book. Yeah, that's true.
Sorry. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_226_UFC_IN_PARIS_Clancy_Overell_Debriefs_His_Week_In_France | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello and welcome back to The Petuta Advocate radio show. My name is Wendell Hussey and you are hearing it first up today because we're doing something a little bit different. Clancy Overall, the editor of The Petuta Advocate, decided he wanted to go over to the Venice Film Festival but obviously he needed a bit of a financial incentive there as well so he jumped into bed with another artistic institution, the UFC and they organized for him to go over there to Paris and cover some of the big fights over there before his trip to Venice. So we're going to play some clips there and have a bit of a discussion about Clancy and Paris.
Clancy Overall and Errol Parker are in the booth with me here today to walk through this journey into the art of hitting, punching, choking, kicking, all that sort of stuff as well, grappling, getting sound bites, no biting, no nut kicking, none of that sort of stuff, Chinese burns, no scratching, no typewriters, you can do a typewriter can't you? Yeah that got banned with all the new grappling rules I think, the typewriter. Yeah, no screeching in the ear. Lots of specifics you can't get into. Nipple cripples, bit hard with the gloves but I mean technically you probably could get away with it if you wanted to.
Anyway that's what Clancy was having a look at over there in Paris, he's just returned to the Channel Country off the back of a hip operation as well. It's been a big few weeks Clancy, how you feeling? Yeah I'm good, I thought you know I thought I was going to struggle with the hip on tour, you know of course humble, you know as successful as the Batooda Advocate is, I'm still flying economy and I was a bit worried about it. I got through, a bit of melatonin and some other goodies that caused me a great deal of white noise on the flight, although I kind of got a reality check when I was there at the Accor Arena in Paris and I had the great pleasure of meeting Justin Tafa.
Another brawler? Another brawler, another heavyweight who has had quite a hip operation, like one that happened in Sydney, like a scrape into his spine I believe they had to level him out a little bit and really really clean him up. He was there and I cannot understand why the fuck he came over because that just what was happening in his body at that time which was still not healed and he was on crutches in a city where he doesn't speak the language sounded like pain but I do I do believe he was he was well looked after by the UFC. Medicated? I'd say he'd have to have been, yeah.
Do you have any fears of DVT? That's what I always think about after surgery getting on a plane, the blood clots?
No, no. Is that something you worried about, Wendell? No, more from the vaccine, I guess. But yeah, yeah. No, just something else. I'm wondering if that popped in your head after a big operation like that. No, I didn't really think about it. I was mostly thinking about getting some sleep.
Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, well, I guess you know there's worse ways to go really, isn't there? On an airplane there is, for sure. Well, like with like, you know, like all these all these things with like the increase in the cost of living and whatnot and no one can afford to do anything like, you know, just peacefully drifting off in an economy class chair on the way back from Europe isn't too bad. I don't think you drift.
I think with the blood clots and stuff, I think it's similar to lying on the canvas there and having a heavyweight just batter your head in. It's a real thumping sensation, apparently. So yeah, anyway, we want to talk about the heavyweight battle that you went and saw over there in Paris, Clancy. It was a full fight card.
It was tied to Ivassa, a friend of the show. Headlining up there against the hometown heroes, Cyril Ghan. I arrived, I'm going to say it was the 31st. So that would have been Thursday, Paris time. And I pretty much dumped my bags in my hotel in Bastille and made my way to the Pullman Hotel where the Bam Bam entourage was kind of already underway. I was thinking there because I was floating, as you said, Bam Bam to Ivassa, a friend of the show.
I was wondering, am I going to be somewhat of a nuisance here? Because, you know, you start thinking about the amount of people that a fighter travels with. They've got the trainers, they've got their partners, they've got the kids. In Bam Bam's case, he had his kid there and he had all of his cousins, you know, all the, all those flew over too. And I was wondering, you know, are there too many people in his life back home here right now? Would that be causing him nerves? But when I got there, I realized I didn't even make up a percentage of the amount of friends and family that were there.
They were based in the lobby of the Pullman Hotel and out the front.
And I did have a word with Coach Sully and I said, is this going to be a distraction? And Sully said, no, actually it isn't with Bam Bam.
It would be with some fighters, but it's actually after, you know, three months training or six months between Thailand and Dubai, being able to just come back and down from his room, go up for his rest because he's still cutting weight before the weigh-in. He's exhausted. But being able to go up and down and it feels like home every time he kind of, it's kind of like Christmas time. Once everyone's settled in, you leave your room, someone's there.
You can have a little chat. Is there a bit of a distraction element to it as well? You know, he's not thinking too much, not dwelling too much.
How have you been? Thanks for coming out.
That was the feeling and I think when it was all said and done, it was great to have the numbers there because you wouldn't, you know, it's already happened and he's just lost. But if, you know, his last fight, not as many people could make it. There were still borders and everything in Houston and there was four or five people. When you come home to that after a loss and that's pretty grim. So, you know, it would have been glorious if he'd won because everyone was there with him to celebrate, but it was better that they were there when he lost, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, I get you. Yeah, so can you talk us through the logistics of how this big group of people would get through Paris to go to the venue? Well, what I did was I, you know, I was actually not there to be a part of the Tuivasse Entourage, which I ended up being well and truly a part of. I was there to do these interviews, which we'll play in a bit. So I kind of was able to walk on my own, you know, move on my own time.
Although, as I said, the first place I went to was to go see them and I met all the cousins and the uncles and then other family friends and, you know, friends from Dubai. And there was actually an American guy there who's a, you know, real estate guy who then made friends in Houston. He must have hosted them. And so he was brought along. And so to hear a 50 year old Texan man, you know, learning words like Uso and FTA and Chi Hu was hilarious.
There was all this shit happening. So I'm glad I got in there and met all them. Then I went and roamed around Paris to see if there was any scoops or any landmarks I could visit. So I did that. But I did notice once I was in the mix, had a few phone numbers of the boys just to figure out what was going on. Cause it was, it was day after day. So the first day of the media day where I got in there, actually, we can play that question now.
I just want to ask you, they're all talking about fans here. You've got close to 30 to 40 friends and family that have come out, mostly from Western Sydney. You said they, you know, there's a great opportunity for you to bring the family out and you have a reason for everyone to travel to Paris, but they're doing it for you too. So what is it about that part of the world?
You know, they're obviously breathing tough. They're breathing tough out there, but there's a lot of love.
And are you feeling that right now in Paris? Definitely. Like I said, some of my closest friends in my family have made a 24 hour plane ride to come and watch me do my thing and win or lose. I know that they're on my side and that's a great cheer link to have. And, um, shout out to the rest of Western Sydney. One day we'll, uh, we'll be fighting back home. That's for sure.
And, uh, do you feel sorry for the poor Frenchman that had to sit between 80 of your cousins on the flight here to Paris? My poor brothers, they're twice the size of me. I wouldn't want to get stuck with them on the chair.
That's for sure. Thanks, lad. Thank you. Yeah.
So as you can see, I was well inside the tent there. I had my media accreditation, thank you to the UFC, uh, but tutor advocates never felt more international than we did over the weekend. That was the Thursday, got that out of the way and kind of linked up with a few of these guys. And then I realized as I'm out, you know, at the Eiffel tower, I realized that a lot of his core circle weren't going anywhere else. They were just going to be around, uh, either with him when he needed to go somewhere or in the lobby. That's where they were drinking coffee and eating hotel food, um, which I guess is also a part of that support network that he has.
But, you know, I'd be getting messages from a boy hammer saying, where are you at? What are you up to? I say, I'm, um, just in town at the moment. What are you doing in town?
Uh, just looking at one of the greatest human achievements in Western civilization. Um, the Eiffel tower, the Mona Lisa, or as one of the boys called it, the Mona Vail Lisa.
Classic. And you know, doing that kind of shit and I'll be like, where are you? Oh, we're just hanging out at the hotel. Like that was where they were at.
They weren't in Paris. There's not that many.
So this was your first time in Paris, was it? Yeah, it was my first time.
So I had to peel away and check a few things off the list and I got all that done. You can do that in a day and a half. What else? I do know that our friends down at the German club, um, in the old area of town, they do often openly refer to Paris as being a cesspool and an absolute shit hole. Did you find that? I know I found it. I actually, you know what?
I think a lot of this shit about the French being rude is like an American conspiracy. And of course, Errol, we've seen him heading when we were in Ireland and we were, um, meeting up with the Waterford whispers over there and we saw the Americans cutting around Ireland and they're just, they're absolute pigs. And they, you know, only 10% of that country has a passport and only 50% of the 10% that have a passport have been anywhere but Mexico and the Caribbean. So they kind of travel with a closed mind and you know, that when you refuse to kind of, kind of cooperate with a language barrier, I guess it's easy to feel like the French are being rude to you. But I found them quite pleasant as long as you know, a little bit of French today. It's almost like the Americans in Europe are like the Australians in Southeast Asia.
Absolutely. They're just, they're very demanding and they're very noisy. But I find if you can learn your words, your mercy and your, that's about all I had. Bonjour, bonsoir, salut. Those kinds of things. They know you're trying and they'll see them and they wait on your table. That's another thing. Who are we to say that they're rude? Like we sitting in a pub or in a, in a brasserie or a restaurant and they just bringing beer to your table that we don't get that kind of luxury in Australia. We've got to go line up at the bar. Yeah. The only time I've ever had that was during those COVID, you know, no vertical standing rules when the actual bartenders had to come to you.
But as for the service, I found the French quite lovely. I do like the fact that there's a pride, a sense of pride in the French, you know, whether they're very newly arrived French people, you know, first generation migrants, everyone's French and they don't fuck around with any of this kind of a, we're more French than you, we're more French than that. It's a, it's a, it was an interesting thing to see, but I guess it's a very old, old city and it's always been very multicultural. So I did, you know, I got stuck into the snails, but I also got stuck into the falafels and that kind of, um, you know, that, that kind of French cuisine, French cuisine that you don't, you know, you don't see on the postcards.
Modern fusion. Yeah. As someone who, you know, who's hoping to get a rugby Australia to send them over to the world cup next year, what other stuff was there in Paris? Obviously the Eiffel Tower. Do you do a few other bits and pieces? Oh yeah. I went to the Louvre. Yeah. Surprised to learn that whole thing's underground. Arc de Triomphe. Did you think that the entire museum was inside that glass pyramid? No, I thought it was inside the building next to it, which apparently is just like almost a statue in itself. So did you go to the Musee d'Orsay? Yeah. Went there. Did you go to Shakespeare and Co, that famous bookshop?
No, did not go there. Didn't have time really. A grueling schedule. Did you go to Jim Morrison's grave? No, it didn't.
That's a bit, bit out of town. I did go to the nightclubs in Bastille. That was, um, that was a bit of fun. It's not too far from the famous Moulin Rouge where I thought a man of your ilk would be. No, I was warned to stay away from the strip clubs. Uh, apparently they're not as inviting as they are.
Yeah. Well apparently they rob you and they drug you. So I kept away from the Moulin Rouge. Sounds like heaven. Yeah.
I mean, uh, was wary of the pickpockets. It came with a bum bag. So naturally with the bum bag I slid straight into this entourage of Western Sydney lads. I think that the tile of this podcast needs to be that picture of you with your bum bag out and your Birkenstocks on in the open shirt. Well, there was also the bum bag with RM's, which I don't think has been done before.
Um, that was what I was rocking at the media conferences. So that day one was the media conference and that was where, you know, I'm going over there to watch Whitaker and uh, Tui Vasa fight. So I wasn't overly invested in the rest of the card. Not, not a diehard UFC man myself, aside from, you know, these personal relationships that we've all formed with these Australian fighters just coming through desert rock studios. But after a day sitting there listening to all these guys, they're all media trained.
The French did a very clever thing in putting a French Canadian on the card and having basically the MC of the entire weekend was the famous George St. Pierre. So you've got all of these guys that can bounce in both languages for both the international journalists, but what they would do, and it's something you see a lot with the Asian tennis players, when they get asked a question and they can speak English, but they answer it in their, in their native language, which is, it's a great kind of a moment of pride. And that was happening a lot with these media conferences. Well it's also much easier to not get lost in translation. I mean, you know, if, if English isn't your first jibber, then I guess you're going to speak in your jibber, aren't you? Well, the, the French Canadians were, were very polished in both, but there was a moment where they could see a Frenchman asking them a question. These are at the weigh-ins anyway. A Frenchman asks a question, trying to speak English and he answers in French and the crowd would just go ballistic. So it was, that was what I was talking about. That French pride was really on display.
And I think that was magnified by the fact that it was the first UFC Paris has ever had, France has ever had. It was illegal 18 months ago. And I was asking around why I didn't, I didn't take the French as wowsers, like why was UFC? I mean, if it's been legal in Australia for how long and where the, where the real nanny state, but they, they, they were telling me there was a judo monopoly on mixed martial arts in France. They kind of had the big board and they had, so they kind of kept MMA out, the UFC out anyway. Big judo.
Yeah. Which is funny because you know, as a people, it is, you know, one of their cultural sports is to fight the police in the street. Yeah.
You know, there's absolutely no rules if you're fighting a cop. No. Um, and you know, that's where the mixed martial arts are quite, you know, handy cause you can punch a cop. You can knock a cop over, but can you go to ground with one?
Um, that's what the yellow shirts really pioneered. Can you finish it off? Yeah. So you were at that press conference for what? A couple of hours? Yeah. A couple of hours.
But I sat there and I started getting invested in all these little blokes stories. And when I say little blokes, I mean like the lower divisions. Still quite large men. So people who are shorter than you. No, no. I mean like lightweights, like they're real.
Yeah. What like two jockeys having a fight over. Yeah.
Like little squirrels break each other's arms.
There was one particular bout that I became very, very invested in having sat through their media conferences. And they, yeah, like I said, they're very media trained.
Charles Jourdain, he was a French Canadian and it was against the Englishman, Nathaniel Wood, both little kind of whippersnappers, but they both had their own stories. Like, uh, I think, uh, that part of Canada, French Canada, uh, really took a big whack.
Yeah. I thought you were about to say that's the part where all the dwarves come from. Oh, well, it would make sense judging by this division.
That was featherweight. He'd had a really hard time. The wife and kids, they hadn't left the house.
And now that the borders were open, it was like, I'm going to take this back to Canada. And then Nathaniel Wood kind of spoke quite openly about mental health challenges. It had, I guess everything that they're all talking was informed about the last couple of years, you know, and that was, that was Nathaniel Wood. He actually, he won, the Englishman won and was talking about it in the ring anxiety and depression in the post-match interview and then back in the, in the presser.
So I started getting really invested in all these different stories, but the real kind of, when I saw the entourage kick into gear was the weigh-ins. So in the mornings they had the official weigh-ins where they get the actual weight. Yep. And that's where, that's why Bam Bam was napping. And as I said, really slowing down, quite faded. And you hear them in that first media day, the day before the weigh-ins where they're all kind of trying to give it their best, but they're, they're all running a bit slow. And then they do the weigh-ins in the morning, the official weigh-ins, and then they do the ceremonial weigh-ins in the afternoon. So if you see the ceremonial weigh-ins where like it's the shirts off, they're on stage, the crowds are cheering. George St. Pierre's on stage, usually Dana's there, but he didn't make it out. They've got the weight already. You know what I mean? That's the weight's already been done at the ceremonial weigh-in.
The only time they'll weigh them at the ceremonial weigh-in is if they didn't make weight in the morning and then they get another six hours to get to that weight. Go and sit in the sauna, don't drink any water. So they're all, everyone made weight. And then so when they bring them in for the official weigh-in, it's shirt off on the stage flex and no one looks at anything and they go and then they're off the weights again.
And then from there I got to go backstage and interview both Whitaker and Ty. Yeah, right. And so that's where you're sitting with the other journos and you're following these questions, Adam. The first, first shot you had was at Whitaker. He was first up and this is what you said to him. You listen to Clancy Overall here on the Batuda Advocate Podcast. I'm joined by Mr. Whitaker.
It's been an exciting couple of days here in Paris and I'm looking at these fighters as they're getting up on the scales and there's a big grin on their faces. How has it been, mate, preparing? How was the weigh-in and was it what you wanted? Yeah, the weigh-in was perfect. We've got it down to the science. Just another day in the office, made weight, enjoying some good grubbing and we're going to get to work tomorrow. And how was that first meal afterwards? Or do you still have to pace yourself from there?
Mate, spectacular. I can't explain it.
So what's, we're currently, you know, 24 hours out here. What is the plan from here for something like this, man? Yeah, I'm going to eat, stretch tonight, just enjoy myself, relax, not worry about the fight too much. And then tomorrow is game day.
You know, I'm going to follow the program that we've developed over years of practice and, you know, trial and error and yeah, get to work. It's what I do. Tomorrow's, tomorrow I go in the office, check it afterwards and worry about that then. Is it, is it an office thing for you?
Because like, I mean, we're looking at obviously Tuibassa and a few of the other locals as well. The locals, it's a family affair. Are you just rolling with the kind of skeleton crew here or have you got, have you got people, have you got love? Oh yeah. I brought my wife and my youngest.
I've got my coaches here, but we're here to work. You know, this isn't a holiday for us. We're here to get a certain job done.
I'm here to, I'm going to try and cave Martin's head in, Martin. I'm leaving that in. I'm going to try and cave his head in. And yeah, that's, that's what, you know, I'm paid to do. We sat next to the Italian, so I'd really enjoy that if you did. I'm going to, I'm going to try, I'm going to give him my best go. Well, thanks for joining us, mate.
George St. Pierre sat in there every fight. It could be against the same fighter in every ring, but you're not fighting the same fighter. Is there what's different about this fighter that's going to be facing that Italian? Maybe your last fight.
Oh, mate, I've gotten better across the board and, uh, yeah, you're going to, you're going to see a really good Rob tomorrow. You're going to see a really good Rob. All good, mate. We're loving this. Western Sydney is, uh, making a name for itself in Paris. Thanks for joining us, mate. We are thriving. Thank you very much. And we did see a very good, uh, version of Rob.
That was where I saw real fans though. And I was so, as I said, there I was sitting next to them at the Wayans and I was sitting next to them to the actual fight. The Vittori fans were like nothing I've ever seen before. And I've, you know, I've been to EPL matches. I've seen soccer hooligans.
They were absolutely depraved psychopathic fans. They were singing Pavarotti in the crowd and they just didn't stop.
And they don't drink as well. You'd think, Oh yeah, they're not, they're Italian. So they're like, I actually remember being at the bar at the fight and seeing these Italians blow up that they were only serving beer.
I was like, what are you after? You want some wine or do you want some cock? One guy said, do you not wear a cocktail? I was like, no mate, where do you have seen matches?
I mean look, sugary cocktails. That could make sense. Obviously very expensive. Maybe not in a nice glass, but yeah.
Fuck that up to carry on. And they, and it was, it was truly one of the great moments of that whole weekend was watching just as he said, cave his head in. And you can see that in that interview, he is like an engineer. That's the first time I've spoken to an athlete where it's like, he's looking at this so kind of analytically, not even that much heart in it, you know, it's more plan and execution. And that was exactly what it was. And he gave a great post-match speech where he said, I'm the most feared and most dangerous man in this division, including the title holder. So power to Whitaker. That was, um, yeah, that went exactly to plan. Yeah.
He's, um, certainly very good at what he does. And he is a very, very scary man. It's like, even when he's talking there, you can hear him just dialed in. He's a bit of a, uh, so how much of a hiding did Whitaker get himself? Like, was he able just to like walk out of the ring and be like, all right, let's go and get a nice steak? Yeah, no, he was, he was fine. Um, actually, I did see him at the after match function. I'm just sitting around the table with some mates digging to the esky, digging through for a cold beer. And I was actually thinking that, looking at him, I mean, obviously he's very, he's in shape. He's wearing shirts and shirt and boardies. I remember thinking you kind of average height, you've got like a go-to, you look like a type of guy you'd see in a pub. And I wonder if that, you know, you go think like the idea of the most dangerous man in the room, hiding in plain sight. That's another thing about him. He's very unassuming, but yeah, he was fine. And I don't actually think he took too much of a whack in the fight either. He, uh, yeah, he, yeah, it was just clinical.
There you go. And now another one of Western Sydney's greats, uh, Bam Bam Tui Vasa, the main event, um, against Sirugano. You spoke to him shortly after that. Uh, here's what he had to say.
So, um, what's it doing lad? Not much. What's it doing?
You've, uh, you've just done your way in Bam Bam. Was that, what you'd planned for or was it, was it down to the wire? No, definitely.
It's, um, I'm in enemy territory and it's understandable, uh, that I get the booze, but, um, if they have cheering for me more than him, I mean, the friendship banging on about you getting booed, you're not getting booed that loudly. It's like there's a lot of love in the fans here as well. I mean, it also could have the fact that you're on drugs growing by the day as well. I'm a lovable chap. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, he's a good egg.
Now tell me, what was your first meal after you, um, after you've fucking made weight? Uh, Nutella on bread. Always. I always have Nutella backstage and I munch straight into it.
Energy's lifted. Um, you, what do you do now? It's an early bed, like, you know, we're 24 hours away. No, I stay up late tonight and then, uh, try and sleep as much as I can. Yeah. So try and sleep into as long as I can.
And then it's a fight day. It's on baby. It's game time. What are we thinking backstage when you get in your hands all sorted out?
Was it, would it be Luke Coombs again this year?
Yeah, I've always got my, uh, my playlist. They say nothing lasts forever.
Great at karaoke this lad. Um, I've done a few karaoke rooms.
Oh yeah. I don't know what you're talking about.
Anyway, um, let me, let me just say, you've got, um, you've got your son here. You've got your, all your family. You saw your brothers roll in today.
How long since I seen you? Uh, it's been a few months. Cause the first thing they said, do you remember the first thing they said to you after they saw you for, I hadn't seen you for two months, three months.
Hey, will that fit me? Yeah. Well they got their own bag this time. They're in the corner. So I'll probably get their bag and take more stuff as well. That's understandable.
It's nothing new. No, it's all love.
There's, um, we do use spoke to Whitaker. We'll be having a yarn to Tyson.
Not only is all your family here, but actually the whole MMA community, it feels like from Western Sydney. There's a lot of love. Yeah, it's awesome. Uh, we can travel now, which is a good thing. Everyone's been locked in the house, I suppose. So it's good to see some familiar faces and, uh, I can feel the love, but tomorrow I've got to go to work in the office.
Do you feel better in like a Paris summer than you do in Dubai? What was that like the last couple months? Dubai, Dubai stinking hot.
So it's really good. It's been beautiful weather here. It doesn't get dark till 10 o'clock. I don't know about that, which is pretty cool. Supposed to be good for the bender. Yeah, it'll be great. You come home with the silverware.
Um, I'll let you go now. Bam, bam. Thanks for talking to us. Thanks for having me. And do you want to say good day, Carter? Say go dad. Go dad. Thanks man. Bam, bam, son.
There was some staring words. Now they both talk about going to work, but perhaps slightly different pre-fight mentalities there.
Yeah. I mean, even looking, listening back to that, having seen him just lose and I say just like it was a total knockout, but heavyweight always is. Yeah, he was the first one to knock down. Big serial, wasn't he? Yeah. I mean, everything he said kind of went to plan, but the thing that I think that was the difference here is Cyril is, he'd be six foot six, six foot seven.
He's carved from stone. Like he's from granite.
Yeah. And he is just a little bit different to the other heavyweights. So the heavyweights are usually got a bit of pudge on them and, and they're usually not that tall. And you can see, you can see that from all the photos of them squaring up.
So when bam bam put him on his ass and that was always cheering, I almost had, you know, in my mind it was over when I saw what happens is, he hits the deck and that's usually where bam bam gives them an uppercut and they're just, they're out. So where he had him is where he has them when he wins. But what happens is he hits the deck and he sits bolt upright and he's too tall for the uppercut. So bam bam was the get down, get, get one into him. It was only going to get him in the chest while it was, you know, too tall for the uppercut. He was also not tall enough for just a proper punch to the face. So it was an awkward position and then, and then his boots went up and then, then they were back into the, into the fight. So bam bam lost by TKO, but that's, that's always how you lose in heavyweight. I don't think anyone, I mean, very rarely do they tap out and very rarely do they go the distance and, and it goes down to points. So yeah, it ended up being Cyril got the punch on bam bam, the one that finished it. But I even look at listening back to his interview now while it's you know, it's a shame because it was so much positivity there and such a plan. He just, he just didn't get the biccies in the end. Well look, can we talk about one moment in the fight, that moment where bam bam got kicked in the liver by Cyril. Did bam bam tell you how he was, he was feeling after that? I mean, like I saw that and you could see, so bam bam had his hands up, he caught that boot in the guts and he takes two steps back and drops his guard and it was like, fuck me.
I've just been hit by a fucking Commodore. Yeah. Well we had a little bit of a chat, you know, obviously after TKO they have to do medical checks.
So we had the after party drinks and as I said, the whole crowd was there and it was all love and it was great that his brothers were there because these are older brothers.
And so on paper he's never won a fight with them. So it was great to have them there cause and they, you know, they kind of keep him grounded. Like, you know, you did well bro, but you know, you've never beaten me and maybe you'll beat Cyril one day, but you'll never beat me.
It was great. Great to watch that kind of ribbing from the brothers and also the little love. But I had a little chat to him afterwards. There was another thing there where he get, he got one in the face in the third round and kind of looked like it was going down and that was a fake wobble. I actually had to clarify that and he fucking, he tricked him too. That was pretty creative. I think. Joey Marner did it a few weeks ago in the footy. He clutched his hamstring and then just burst through and sets up a tri. It's a clever little play. It was a clever play and it nearly got him there too.
He nearly, he nearly had him there, but I was asking him where it was hurting. Cause you see him, you want to give him a hug. I'm like, I've got to be careful here. I'm, I'm not going to get, you know, around the head and give him a, give him a smooch cause his face was, you know, and you'll see the photos. His face looked like he'd been in a heavyweight UFC fight. But I do think the ribs, the ribs and the gut were hurting and they would've been like those kicks you said that Jesus fuck from a man that size is that fit and that strong coming at you with a kick like that.
And you know, the, the medical check was all good. There was no blood in the piss or anything like that.
But you know, you finish a fight like that and then you go out in the piss all night. I just don't know what that hangover would have felt like. And he seems to make them last for as long as possible, the benders and puts off the hangover for as long as possible.
No, that's also, that's another thing that I've heard in fighting. You know, like Whitaker was getting stuck into like, you know, he was a bit different. He was like kind of, he was more after match.
The bam, bam out all the family there. And the thing is they don't go to sleep anyway. You know, after something like that, you just saw the hot, you fight at 11 o'clock. There's no, your body can't deprogram. So you may as well, if you've got all your family there, you may as well just stay up and see and speak to everyone one by one. You know, like at a wedding when, when the bride doesn't get round to seeing everyone because they, they end off, you know, and they, you know, it was kind of like that. It's like, well, I'm here all night. Everyone's come out and everyone had a little chat to him.
And he was laughing. It was in good spirits. So I wanted to ask you about that. What was the mood like after it? Like, obviously he, he was, um, going up against the second rank guy in the heavyweight division. This was a big shot for him. And obviously he doesn't seem, you know, he's looks like he's moving on and he's going forward and he'll be back and he'll be having another crack. What was the mood like? Cause obviously it would be a bit deflating, but he seemed like he took it well. Yeah.
I mean, I feel sorry in that circumstance. I feel sorry for the coach because the coach is kind of looking at everything that's happening in the mat and following the plan and the coaches and, you know, and all the people supporting that are at ringside, you know, you feel sorry for Bam Bam too, but then again, he's not coming off a string of losses.
You know, he's had so many wins that even now a close loss as headliner to a man ranked above him, it continues the trajectory upwards. You know, star power Bam Bam continues and he'll get another shot. Yeah. He'll definitely get another shot. He was the first one to only with his fists, put that bloke on his bum for two seconds, but he was down. Yeah. And that was what the Frenchman said in the post-match interview.
He said with Tui Vassa, you don't feel the punches, you feel the floor, which must, you know, I, when you really think about it, I just think about how that must feel. Like the punch doesn't register because it's so hard and fast that you feel the floor first and then you feel the winded and then you feel fucking like you've been wet.
So yeah, it was good spirits. There was a lot of love. And like I said, it was great that for a loss, he had that many people. It wasn't in a pandemic where he's got, I mean, remember that one, remember where he won and he, you know, he pissed the bed and he, you know, in Dubai, the height of lockdowns, it was him and his coach. He had to celebrate that win basically alone with whoever, what other fighters were in the hotel that could hang out. So yeah, it would have been great to kind of bring home the silverware without the medical checks straight back to the, to the hotel and party. But I was also, I think, I think everyone there was, um, happy that a loss could be shared with everyone to trip away with all the friends and family and stuff, you know, it's net, net positive all up. But yeah, it was, it was interesting. And the entourage, that was also like an eye-opening experience for me.
Like the how surgical that is with everyone knows what they're doing. No one's kind of everyone, no one gets left behind. And you know, we're doing dinner, you can come along with it, but also this is what's happening over here. And, and when you're in kind of Paris alone and you're kind of flanking this crew, it was impossible not to, um, not to find something to do each night. Whether you want to go with the civilised pre-fight dinner crowd, or you want to go rip in with the, with the cousins. Certainly fun to be had.
Now, look, listeners would know Clancy that you have a storied history of boxing out here in the channel country. There must have been a little part of you sitting there on the side, thinking prime Clancy overall, how would he fare? What could have been?
I, uh, mate, it's, that's, like I said, um, I'm, I'm quite a Frenchman in that sense that my eyes have only just been open to MMA. Watching those welterweights and middleweights on the ground, I've never seen anything like it. And there was once upon a time where I didn't really appreciate what was happening, but you know, cause you see them and sometimes they could do a whole round on the ground, but when you're watching it live, I'm like, there's every little movement here is part of some sort of training and some sort of constrictors. And when you hear the crowd who are, you know, obviously devout fight fans are seeing things that I couldn't see, you know, like someone's arm goes this way and he pops himself up and the crowd roars. I was like, okay, this is all a different art form. This is a whole different kind of martial art.
Um, I was glad that there wasn't too many kind of serious, you know, I mean, Bam Bam was the one that got taken. He still got to do his post-match interview too in, in the ring. But like that was as hairy as it got just because it was a knockout. They had to do the medical checks, but I don't think no one left in ambulances, which you know, that's another thing that George St. Pierre said. It's like, he was very thankful for his fighting career cause it kept him healthy, but only just cause it could have really hurt him.
And that's, that's another thing they, um, there's only so many fights you've got in here. Bam Bam's only young. I know he's not 30 yet. And he hasn't had that many fights in the scheme of things. So it's great that his trajectory is still going up. It's great that Whitaker is kind of reclaiming his place, you know, as a title fighter, but it's also every fight, that's something I didn't even think about until I was watching these fights.
Where do they put those thoughts? You know, I might break my both my legs tonight or I might, you know, I'm essentially going to be hit by a car physiologically tonight. Yeah.
So it was great. It was all good fun. It was good, healthy fun. And I think a net positive for both his career, but also just for the, the opportunity to take 50 friends and family to Paris and let them run right on that town, which we did.
So were you able to pop your head into the after party at all or? That's what I was saying before we kind of went back there and yeah, Whitaker was there and, and Bam Bam was there. Like the, like the after after party?
Oh no. I popped back in to see him the next day and, um, and I think they were all winding down. Um, but yeah, no, it was also, because he came back, so the fights at 11 o'clock, there's a medical check. Didn't really get back into the building showered. You know, he came down in his sarong, um, and his Crocs. That wasn't until about two 33 in the morning and the energy hadn't gone anywhere.
No one was flaking. Everyone wanted to see him.
And, um, yeah. So, you know, that thing ended broad, broad daylight, a hundred percent, uh, when people started leaving that. And then, you know, the fighters and their, and their close mates and their teams don't really, they can't really go to sleep. So lucky you were in Paris where the hotel bar just stays open. Certainly a little bit different to here in Battuta. Um, I'm sorry. You're the most famous people in our city tonight in Sydney, but we're going to have to shut the bar down and go to bed. Rules and rules, mate. You're being quite noisy. Now you go. Yeah. That was none of that.
Well, look, it certainly sounds like quite an experience Clancy. And I'm looking forward to see what else comes of this. Um, yeah, very jealous. Lots of fun to be had over there in Paris.
And then of course, Venice, we don't have time for it in this episode. I saw the spit. I saw spit gate, but we won't, we won't talk about that in this episode.
What I will say is UFC are hoping to come to Australia. I think that would be prime for a rematch. Sydney, Sydney, West stadium, Sydney football stadium, you know, bam, bam's pop, fighting at home.
Yeah. Well, even further, further out West, up North out here in Battuta, Mayor Keith. Oh, I'm out here.
I thought you were talking about like buddy, Lithgow has UFC. Lithgow has UFC.
Um, just a bit, a bit less, a bit less official quite often out there. Prison screws.
Yeah, no, I think that's, that's where the rematch has got to be. And, and lastly, I'll say, I think the UFC should actually pay for their fighters to sit at the front of the plane because that wasn't happening.
Yeah. How don't you get a big boy like that, um, sitting at the front of the plane? I don't understand. Well, it costs, it costs a lot of money. Yeah.
But I also think that makes a lot of money to take them to Paris. It was a full stadium in Paris. I'm sure they sold a lot of pay-per-views at 50 or $60.
Yeah.
Well, well, Dana didn't get rich by writing checks. Well, that's why you can always be laughing and smiling, Dana.
Um, anyway, that was the Clancy overall Chronicles over there in Paris for UFC Paris. Um, it was a great fight night, very entertaining and very entertaining stories to come back with insightful as well.
So this is a call that to ARU. We can do the same thing in France in 2023. Yes, please. We can do it all in the South of France, middle of France, north of France, whatever you want. We'll do it. We'll go inside. We'll get the interviews. Let's make it happen. Mr. Pigeon. Let's go. |
cracked | 6_famous_movies_with_mind_blowing_symbolism | Next, famous movies, Swiss body- Lloyd symbolism. F Mile And Gun! He's on. What's the story? We were able to save the left arm. What? I thought we agreed on total body prosthesis, now lose the arm, okay? Jesus, Matt. Dead or alive? You are coming with me. Thank you. Kelly Ho. You're acting so strangely, Peter.
It's finished in 1909. The site is supposed to be located on an Indian burial ground, and I believe they actually had to repel a few Indian attacks as they were building it.
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By taking over the creating part now, this is where I need you. You create the world of the dream. We bring the subject into that dream, and they fill it with their subconscious. You need the simplest version of the idea in order for it to grow naturally in your subject's mind. It's a very subtle art.
I was supposed to have all night to correct this. I've got one hour and I'll get us something useful, please. I guess I thought that the dream space would be all about the visual, but it's more about the feel of it. Assemble your team, Mr. God, and choose your people more wisely. We could use the musical countdown to synchronize the different kicks. You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling. Sharp, no? I'll get him to sing.
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Take him to fall back.
Cut off! Do something! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Footy_s_Over_Toothpaste_Icecream_and_the_Lithgow_Panther_is_Back_October_7 | You're listening to the Betuda Advocates Weekly News Wrap, on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Weekly Betuda Bulletin, my name is Clancy Overall, thank you for tuning in, I'm joined by Errol Parker, Edda at Large and Effie Bateman, lifestyle editor I guess you'd call her, general field reporter, yeah she's managing to fly through the ranks here, she's already surpassed Wendell as the eternal cadet she's about to take the reins here I reckon, first and foremost there's fuck all going on in the news this week if you think about it, all the football's over, we got a little while until the cricket and we have a new government that just hides in plain sight so we never hear from them, yeah gone are the days of Pinata that was Scott Morrison and of course the Rugby League scandals but we are getting by, there's some great human interest pieces I guess we've been kind of delving into of late, how is everyone going?
Yeah not bad mate look October has historically been quite slow for us, there is a bit of a lag between the end of the football seasons and the start of the big bash but this time around we do have the T20 World Cup which is the most explosive form of cricket available until they bring in the T10s which I think they are pretty soon for people you know all these adults who've recently been diagnosed with ADHD they can't watch a game of cricket that goes longer than three hours so I think that this 10 over format that's coming in is in direct reaction to that I for one am actually quite happy that there's not a lot going on in sports and politics lately, absolutely we can focus on the big issues like La Nina and ice cream, ice cream and do you want to get us underway here Effie Bateman please yes so starting off in an uncultured swine with the taste buds of a child describes choc mint as toothpaste flavoured, yes a local woman has today gotten into an argument with a co-worker after a pleasant chat about food devolved into a slew of character assassinations its alleged fray of 425 was killing time by asking colleagues inane questions about their food preferences including best Arnott's biscuits and which shapes flavor was the superior flavor which is obviously Monte Carlo's and pizza shapes but despite having a few disagreements on where chicken crimpies stood on the list the conversations have been somewhat civil until the topic of ice cream came up which saw Freya discover that the marketing manager Paul was clearly a man of zero taste yes it's alleged Freya had mentioned she was a fan of choc mint ice cream when Paul have responded by pulling a disgusting face he said and I quote yuck why the fuck would you want toothpaste ice cream ha ha ha yeah well who 30 years ago thought it was a good idea to call someone fucking Paul I know plain old boring old Paul plain old boring old Paul and up next speaking of plain old boring old Paul visibly hungover Paul can't discuss it by youthful Polynesians enjoying the fruits of hard-working talent yes yes we said that a sport was over but we are still riding the wake of the 2022 NRL Grand Final and the cranky old men at Fox Sports have been blasting the Penrith Panthers for lacking class and humility as they squeeze out the last remaining culture Wars clickbait from this 2022 season this is all because Penrith became just the second team in the professional era of rugby league to win consecutive titles at Sunday night's victory over the Parramatta Eels but they're partying to these old drunks as let's just put it bluntly you know it's gone too far these old blokes think these guys are carrying on like teenagers this comes as Jerome Lui is facing a World Cup ban after a social media post RP Corusow mocked the club he's about to join and James Fisher Harris told a crowd of cheering supporters that Parra is our sons during the Monday fan day Penrith Paul Kent has described the Panthers as lacking class and they're acting like a bunch of pelicans as he continued to act surprised by the fact that a bunch of ecstatic young blokes would talk so much shit in the middle of a well-deserved premiership winning bender come on Paul I'm sure you've had a drink go easy on the lads and most of them are actually teenagers so yeah hardly a criticism no and if only Nathan Cleary was seen strawpedo-ing a bottle of Paul's favorite Kanunga Hill from Penfolds I guess that he would have been alright with that or even a bottle of bowler's run you know when the summer gets a bit too long and up next Nathan Cleary knots an image of the escaped Lithgow Panther watching over horizon after a year of fighting for a shot at the top spot again the Penrith Panthers have won the 2022 premiership causing the image of an escaped circus panther to appear eclipsed by the setting Sun on the horizon yes sensing the presence of the semi-mythical being that has not been spotted in 18 years Panthers co-captain Nathan Cleary looked out at the suspicious second sunset and gave a deep nod to the being for which the team gets its name the feral Panther affectionately known as the Lithgow Panther or the Blue Mountain slash Hawkesbury Panther depending on which town you're from of course but it's believed to have escaped from a 1960s and has survived to this day by either breeding with large feral cats or by simply being magical yes although the existence of the creature has long been denied many have given their lives to proving the existence of this Panther with a wing in the Hawkesbury Museum dedicated to a deep state theory that the media and government are trying to keep the big cat under wraps and in some entertainment news now Netflix has continued their weird trend of making serial killers sexy by casting Timothy Chalamet as John Wayne Gacy yes Netflix producers are at it again continuing this very bizarre trend of sourcing actors that heavily appeal to young women to play murderers who are by no means attractive in any way and also kill a lot of young women first hiring former Disney star Zac Efron to play the unibrow tatting serial killer Ted Bundy Netflix discovered that they've just stumbled upon an award-winning formula by both appealing to women's love of pretty boys and fascination with true crime yes I believe the new Dharma series is coming in just behind Stranger Things series 4 as the most watched show this year with I think 200 million streams that's 400 million eyeballs really quite disappointing and actually disgusting despite looking absolutely nothing like the bloke Timothy Chalamet will not have any extensive makeup done as it might detract from his sex appeal which is very very prevalent and very natural it is alleged that Netflix is also currently eyeing off one of the Heemsworth brothers or Jacob Elordi to grow a sick mo for an upcoming Ivan Milat biopic and Stranger Things star Finn Wolfhard to play Richard Ramirez that's a sick name that's a good porn star name Finn Wolfhard I always thought Ivan Milat was a sexy name it's been spoiled anyway that's it from us this week thank you for tuning in to the weekly boredom on the tutor advocate radio show who wrote see you later ciao Bonjourno |
dropout | the_boyfriend_girlfriend_game_sponsored | And this is the Boyfriend Girlfriend Game. Brought to you by Trojan. Okay, here's how the game works. We have two brave couples here, and they're going to answer a series of very intimate questions about their sex lives. The couple that answers the most correct wins.
That's it. Alright, let's meet our couples. Okay.
Jeremy and Antoinette have been a couple for five years. This intro's not choreographed. Chung and Ariana have been a couple for four months. The couple's going to kick their a**. Alright, so we're going to start with Jeremy and Antoinette. Now, Jeremy, you're going to answer questions first, so David is going to give Antoinette these headphones, so you can't cheat and hear the answers.
Has your partner ever faked an orgasm with you? No. Confident. No way. What does your partner sound like during sex?
Oh, yes. Oh, that feels so good. That's good. Perfect.
Alright, now we're going to take off Antoinette's headphones and see how Jeremy did. Have you ever faked an orgasm with Jeremy? No.
Yay! His confidence paid off. Success. And lastly, we asked Jeremy, what do you sound like during sex? Oh, baby, that feels so good. That was a great quote.
I did a poor reenactment.
And now we're going to move on to couple number two, Ariana and Chung. How many other sexual partners has your partner had? I'm going to say five. Okay. Sounds uncertain. Next question. Who is your partner's one person that they could have sex with?
Barack Obama. Really? Probably. Yeah.
It's patriotic. That is patriotic.
Okay, now we're going to see how correct Chung was with his answers. How many other sexual partners have you had? I'm going to guess he said like four? Four. Five? You know what, let's give them a half point for that one.
Okay. Who did Chung say is the one person that you could have sex with? Give her a laugh. Barack Obama. Whoa! So now we're going to switch it up and we're going to ask Ants and Nuts some questions while Jeremy has the headphones on. All right, question number one. What is Jeremy's go-to porn site? I have no idea. Okay, so... Do you want to give her a guess?
I'm so bad. I don't even know a day before porn site.
All right. Just Jeremy orgasm face. Oh, God. He may or may not be in pain. Yes, exactly. Okay, now we're going to take off Jeremy's headphones and ask him the questions and see how he did.
What is your go-to porn site? Porn.com. What? That was like the first porn site.
Old school. Unfortunately, she did not know what the correct answer was. Do your best orgasm face. Oh!
Eyes were closed. Interesting. Mouth open. Her mouth was closed. But both of their eyes were closed.
Half a point. Okay, so now we'll ask Ariana questions. That means the headphones go to Chung.
Would your partner rather have sex twice a week or get blow jobs six times a week? Sex twice a week. What would Chung say is your favorite position? Missionary. And see how many she guessed correctly. Chung, what did Ariana say when we asked would you rather have sex twice a week or get blow jobs six times a week? Definitely sex twice a week.
All right, excellent. What would Ariana say was her favorite position? She probably said with me on top. Yay! We have a tie on the Boyfriend Girlfriend Game.
Pretty awesome.
Which means you guys are both going home with your very own box of Trojan Ecstasy Fire and Ice Condoms. Thank you to both of our couples and thank you for watching the Boyfriend Girlfriend Game. We will see you next time. Bye! This has been the Boyfriend Girlfriend Game brought to you by Trojan Ecstasy Fire and Ice Condoms. Thanks for watching. |
cracked | after_hours_why_movies_want_us_to_torture_adults | Mm-hmm, well, well, yeah! Sorry I'm late. My flight was delayed and I came straight from the a- Hey. You're supposed to catch in your mouth. And you're supposed to keep throwing soul teens into my facehole. I'm hungry. Huh?
What's with the backpack? Oh, I just came back from what I thought was supposed to be a camping trip away from my sworn enemy, people. But it turns out I stumbled onto this weird adult summer camp. Well, I've heard of adult summer camps. It's very hip, very trendy, very soren.
We're lucky they didn't torture you. Do you mean by speaking to me? Or just because it was at a camp, Katie, doesn't mean it's a horror film. I just thought it was weird that it was a camp full of adults. No, no, I'm not talking about horror films. They would have seen you being all adulty adult and they would have punished you. As would anybody that was raised in the 90s, except not us, because we know that you're not actually an adult. Because we've been programmed to torture adults. I don't- Did you just confess to torturing people? Yeah, but that's not the point here. I mean, the movies that we watched in childhood films taught us that adults are the enemies and they need to be dealt with. Think about it.
In all the home loans, he tortures two full grown men. Katie just smashed a glass on the floor while talking about torturing people. Yeah, but what is he supposed to do, Katie? They're breaking into his house. In heavyweights, a bunch of kids get sent to fat camp and they end up torturing the adult camp owner Ben Stiller. Yeah, because he was crazy and made them do all those crazy hikes and stole their candy stashes.
Whose wonderful candies are these? Oh, look, a deli meat. Ooh, remember candy stashes? I love a good candy stash. Hey, can I get just like some loose candy and like Slim Jim's sticks and a pile? Preferably someone else's personal stash, please.
Yeah, but he was actually trying to get them to exercise, unlike the previous camp owners who seemed super chill about them hiding their food. And he's crazy and he yelled at them. Yeah, but they drove him to that point when he clearly already had some mental health issues.
How you doing, little Tony? Bad? Why do you feel bad? Because everything's falling apart and I can't do anything about it.
Near the end of the film, they put him in a hole and in an electric cage for like several weeks. Yeah, but he deserved it. Of course he did, because he's a stupid adult.
Yeah! Smash! Bang!
Thank you, Mang! Thank you, Mang.
What, they definitely got along with that one adult guy, right? Yeah, they were friends with Tom McGowan.
Who is not a well-functioning adult. I mean, he can't even ask a woman to dance. So, do you want to dance? Um, uh, no. I have a bad spring to do. Excuse me. He's like 30, right? I mean, I get that.
Then, in Camp Nowhere, they steal thousands of dollars from their parents just because they're going to send them to summer camp. Sh**y summer camp? Yeah, sh**y summer camp, controlled by sh**y adults.
I don't know. They have Christopher Lloyd as their adult friend. Oh, is that how you would treat a friend?
Blackmailing them and forcing them to pretend to be a camp owner and then forcing them to break the law? I mean, they make him buy beer for minors and lie to the police.
The beer is for me. Breakfast of champions. It's just me and Rudy running the lodge here.
Okay, he was also not a responsible adult. I like him. Yeah, of course you do. He was a wreck of an adult. He was a terrible person.
That's a bit harsh, Katie. I mean, they're both trying very hard to... Ooh! And they make him go through the car wash while he's lying to the police? I tried that after I saw the movie. Did not work out well. Car wax gets deep into crevices. Body crevices. Real deep. Oh my God, Katie is right. In blank check.
That kid constantly lies to adults and puts them in harm's way. He sexually harasses a grown woman and he steals a million dollars.
What's the shortest guy you ever dated? I'm not really sure. The youngest? Yeah, the guy he steals it from ends up being a bad guy, but he doesn't know at the time. He just does it.
Oh yeah, I totally forgot about the weird romance plot in blank check. Why do the writers think they needed a love story between a 30-year-old woman and a 10-year-old? So when can I see you again, Shay? Why don't you give me a call and say about 10 years?
Because she is a villain too. She's creeping on a 10-year-old kid. Women can be sexual predators too.
It's 2017. I'm woke.
Dang, in Man of the House, JTT physically and emotionally tortures the dude that his mom is dating just because he's kind of lame. Not even a bad dude. Well, in all fairness, Chevy Chase is an asshole. But his character was not.
I mean, the mom Farrah Fawcett's just trying to get back out there. Let her have a life, JTT. Let her live her life.
So if the adult is not your parent, you have free reign to embarrass, disrespect, and torture them if they get in your way. That's not quite right. Oh, good. So then we can't be trained to torture them. Non-parent adults aren't the only ones. I mean, in house arrest, they kidnap and torture their own parents because they don't want them to do adult things, like divorce. You guys are getting separated. What we don't understand is why. They emotionally manipulate them. They make them sleep on the hard floor without sleeping bags. And they force them to interact with other terrible parents that they kidnap. Who are these people?
Although they do feed them those delicious looking cereal burger patties. Like burgers in heaven. Hey! Can you guys make me like a cereal burger patty?
One order for the table. Park it right in front of me.
Yeah, yeah. They feed them those weird burnt cereal patties until they decide not to feed them at all. I mean, if the movie had been reversed and it had been kids locked in the basement until they stopped fighting, I mean, that would be child abuse. So it doesn't sound so bad, though. I mean, considering, thank you, that we've graduated from simple torture to kids straight up murdering adults. What? Oh, yeah.
See ya! And Agent Banks, Hilary Duff, kills this guy with a nanobot that eats him from the inside out. And her face, what's happening, is just like... which is a smile and dead eyes. It's haunting. You're forgetting the most important torture-and-kill-all-adults movie. Look!
They act like it's about finding your inner child. But it's really about these killer children who spend their entire lives just murdering adults. It's even the first thing that Rufio says to Peter when he meets him. Bingo. And the only adults who are embraced are the ones who are just crazy.
Toodle loses his marbles, and we're supposed to think that that's good. He's a good guy.
Yeah, the only food that Peter can eat is imaginary rainbow fluff. That's not even there! Those kids are starving! Although, how good does that imaginary feast look? Can I get an imaginary fluff feast?
Please, thank you. Oh, also, the only lesson that Peter learns by the end of that movie is that he needs to always leave his giant, dangerous windows open. What if I told you to clean your open windows? Keep this window closed. That's not embracing your childhood.
That's a sure-fly way to get night chills and a stuffy nose. And a stuffy nose. And falling out of windows. We're getting kidnapped by magic pirates from the exact same window.
Yep, in the same way we obsessively had no visible parents in cartoons in the 90s. Dark Tails, Darkwing Duck, Tailspin, Gummy Bears, Tiny Tunes, Mother Babies. Our live-action movies had kids who tortured and killed responsible adults because adults deserve to be destroyed. Excuse me, can I have another water, please? Thank you. But adults made those movies and TV shows. Why would adults train us to hate adults? It was a warning. What? What is the message of all those movies? That you should embrace your childhood and don't grow up too fast. That even every adult could stand to be a little less adult-like.
I haven't always paid enough attention, my kids. I pushed them too hard. What did I tell you about this window? Always keep it open! I know we made mistakes, Ned. I made most of them. I don't think they would have done any of this if we hadn't done something right. You messed up big time. Anyway, I brought you something.
They were telling us that, you know, being an adult sucks. That adulthood is something to spit on and destroy. That's why there are all these f***ing hipster colonies in Brooklyn where they make adults go to summer camp. Or people who talk about how bad they are at adulting. Or all these people who get so attached to these childhood movies that they can't let them go and just move on to the next step of their life. Being a responsible adult is a choice. And these movies make it sound like that choice is wrong and evil and not deserving of our respect. And that we should stay children for as long as we can or we risk becoming adults and being tortured for it.
Or worse, die. I mean, we were all always going to die. That's not new anymore. Or worse, be murdered by youth. When we abandon our childhood, we're next on the kill list. Oh my God, am I destined to be killed by my son? Yes, kill adulthood. But we're adulthood. Not if we can help it.
Come on, everybody smash something in agreement. I got here late and I didn't get anything to smash. Can I eat? Yeah, it's fine. That sounds smashable, right? Hey! Bro! I dropped all my invisible stuff. Yeah. What a boy.
I just don't want to know. I want to eat it all. I don't want to drop any. |
dropout | furry_superheroes_are_super_gross_furry_force | Now back to Furry Force on Fox Kids. Ha ha ha!
Soon this force will be a beautiful parking lot. I love parking lots.
Victor Vivisector. Looks like we got here just in time. These animals need our help.
Ha! How are four kids going to stop me? Fursona transformation! Furry Forces on the prowl! Whoa! Why are they so sexy? Hip-hop, crook, attack! They make me really uncomfortable. Attack, you fool! Come on, team. Time to get the fur flying.
Ah! I don't like this! Release power must! Ah! It smells like wet fur and sex! Oh!
Vivisector, your days of deforestation are done. Ugh, I can't even look at you when you're like that. I challenge you to man-on-lion-man combat. Okay, alright, okay. Rocket punch! Ugh! I can still feel everything! Vivisector, you need to learn respect for the animals of the forest. No, no, no. Seriously, can you please just release my hands? Your fur's all sweaty and matted.
Ha-ha, you fool! You never should have trusted me.
Prepare to die, furverts! Furries, yiff mode, activate!
Nope. Master? No, don't leave us! I love you, hip-hop. |
cracked | the_insane_world_of_video_game_health_care_8_bits | Well, just give them a bunch of these. Really cram and full of this crap.
Are you sure? I got Dr. Mario's signature. He said stop him till he's cured or he'll start coming out of his mouth. Whichever, sir.
No, no! A potion's not going to do anything!
Remember medical school! This guy's gritty and realistic. We need painkillers, bandages, a red cross, some green dots for God's sake! I'm not losing another man today!
Go! What you're going to want to do is take this on a full stomach, alright? Because you- Hey, wait a minute! Oh, shut up! I told you you can't score here no more! Grave security! Get over here!
Give it to me straight, Doc. Well, well, you all seem to be quite healthy. I'm afraid tests did come back negative for individual agency. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you're an NPC. Give it to me straight, Doc. And I'm afraid you've passed it on to the little ones.
Our father's a miller in town!
All available staff, please exchange dollars per quarters. We're almost out of contingency.
Good as new! Thanks, Doc! He's doing our job! Your bill comes out to half of whatever you've got on you, and I took the liberty of clearing you of all criminal charges. Perfect.
Your gun, and this. Hey, prostitute! Come here! You want to try something. It's moments like this that make it all worthwhile, huh? What's up? Hey, take it easy! Give it to me straight, Doc. Our father's a miller in town! Alright, Crack has told me that I can't bully you into subscribing, so... This is Sorin Bui saying, I'm sorry. Hey! Nerd! |
SaturdayNightLive | covid_commercial_snl | Are you feeling tired and worn down, sick of the endless grind at work, exhausted by your family, desperate for some peace and quiet? Then ask your doctor about Covid. By certainly getting Covid, you're guaranteed a five and sometimes even ten day vacation from all of life's problems. I needed a break, just some time away from everyone, so my doctor suggested I get Covid and it was the greatest week of my life. I wanted was to sit on the good part of the couch and watch the Netflix I want to watch, and I was finally able to thanks to Covid. At first I was worried about getting Covid, but my doctor assured me it's fine. Now I'm triple that quadruple if you count Hpv, so it's my time to shine. Side effects of Covid include having Covid, which is still kind of bad, but doesn't it seem different now?
I definitely got sick. I also got paid for 10 days to never leave a blanket. plus I got a great story. I could tell people at work it was like I had a bad cold for three days. And of course I had to isolate from my three kids because I didn't want to get them sick. but what do they eat?
I gave it 14 days to be extra safe and for an extra fee. we'll knock out the wi-fi near your house so you can't do any zooms. Oh well, too bad.
Covid is the perfect way to get out of jury duty. Cousin's wedding, friends, improv show, neighbors, adult baptism, and husband's murder trial. At this point, Covid is basically a 10-day cruise, which is also a great way to get Covid. Covid isn't for everyone, that's why there's also new Covid. Always positive home test. The only Covid test that comes with two pink lines already drawn on, but you just had it a week ago. Please don't do this to me because sometimes the only way to get mentally healthy is to get physically sick. And sure there might be long-term memory problems, but that would honestly be amazing cuz there's so much I want to forget my brain's already really bad if it gets 10% worse. but I don't have to talk to a single person for a week.
I'll take that deal in a horsebeat. You mean a heartbeat. Either way, Thanks Covid, Thanks Covid. Thanks Voted. I think I'll get Covid again today. Covid. Go ahead. You deserve a break. |
cracked | why_the_waif_in_game_of_thrones_is_a_bad_killer_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey everyone, welcome to this week's episode of winter is taking forever. It's our Game of Thrones sort of recap review show Yeah, it's it is it's long. So the episode starts with the cold open which already we know something's up because there's yeah Not many so at first I was like, oh, it's Ian McShane. That's what they're doing They're doing the cold over Ian McShane and then it's no it's the hound. Yeah At this point in the show. Are you sure anybody's dead? I mean this whole season's been resurrecting people from the dead I'm not sure anybody's dead Sean Bean's gonna be back Can we say by the way, Ian McShane looked so much more merry than I've ever seen him in his whole life Seeing him like skip around and like ducking under logs and like giving a guy a little friendly pet on the end It's like good steeple building buddy You see four guys lugging this one tree like this is the last thing we'll ever do before they die and then in strolls the fucking hound It's like hey holding just as big a tree sets it down.
He's like good tough days work Yeah We know that he has at least in his own mind like a clear delineation between what I used to be and what I am Now what I took Was the following things one. There are hippies in Westeros. Yeah, which I enjoyed. I like that There are hippies in Westeros apparently nobody remembers how they got to this place like it's literally Hotel, California out there And I'm a nice guy, but I swear to God if somebody recited to me all the events Yeah meeting up to our friendship be like dude No, okay, so another Series of scenes in this episode that I actually enjoyed quite a bit was was Sansa and Jon Snow recruiting various members of the north Into their army to fight the Boltons and they get to go to Bear Island which is awesome because it's the first time It's awesome for a couple reasons. Yes one. It was awesome to see it cuz it's so gorgeous Yes, it shows up on screen. I was like is that is it Bear Island and I get in there It is Bear Island and then they have the amazing kid amazing child ruler of Bear Island But holy shit, do I want to spin off with that kid so good. She had no time for anyone's bullshit. No Yes, I know why you're here. I also remember your backstory. Can we get to the point? Damn they went into Bear Island Hall with two different plans Yeah, Jon Snow was like we're gonna we have to convince her to fight with us with my sad face and then Davos was like we're gonna convince her to fight with us because we're gonna show her that we got a real good zombie here Yeah, I feel like this whole montage was set up in such a way to see like how each of the three key members like Jon Snow Sansa and Davos like Individually are assisting in the cause real quick before we leave the scene Who's on the field when Sansa gets her Ravens Lord Lady mama. Yeah That was so good.
She's a year old. I'm giving you 60 men and one lady moment, right? And she has trolls out there strides out there. I swear Why didn't they give her a mace? Like that's all I wanted.
It's called the broken man, right? Because it's about all these human wreckages that we get we start off with the hound So yes clear the broken man, and then we also then we go to Theon. Yes, and Theon is just Ruined. Yeah, he's having a real bad time. He's not he's not enjoying life so much It was kind of an asshole move for his sister to bring him to a brother and be like, dude Why are you so bummed about not having a dick bro? They show he's clearly in like physical pain being surrounded by all these women. He's like I can't be here Yeah, I guess the point episode is is Revisiting these characters and like trying to get him back cuz like if Theon who's getting Screamed at by his sisters like I if you're gonna be here then be here cuz I need your stuff drink the goddamn ale She actually says in that scene.
She's like, oh, sorry I forgot about the dick thing you got all the way to a Volantian fucking brothel and that's when you remember your brother's got no dick. You saw that severed member Yeah, you looked at like that's the dick that oh shit my brother. Now it's in my hands now.
Alright, so we're finally getting to see Jamie in the Riverlands, which is a big plot point from the books Yes, I mean Bronn being in there is fantastic. Bronn being in there is great. Yeah, first of all We got the fucking well, it's not even really a hero shot, but it should be yeah And then to show up Bronn is finally here. He hasn't been there for seven episodes Yes, Riverlands is important for Jamie's character because it's when we in the books Anyway, it's when we it's when we begin to see his arc as I'm gonna be a good dude now We learned that all these phrase are not very good at anything.
Apparently don't give a rough So this week on religious corruption again. Oh, yeah, Jonathan Price decides to tell Marjorie that like hey, man, why aren't you fucking that king?
Yeah, what's up? What's up?
I appreciated the scene because now this character is finally clear to me He wants Marjorie to give Tom in an air while he's got his claws and time right exactly So in any case Marjorie, it was a little unclear Even in this episode whether or not she really buys into us or not and then we get that scene with the most telegraphed handoff in the world When the Queen of thorns opens up that note and it's just a rose I understood that that was code between them But to me like just looking at what that was that could have been a fucking clown drawing for all I know Did not mean anything specific So in any case Aria strolling about bravos throwing around a lot of money We see her dropping some serious coin and then stealing it back which I kind of liked So then she's just like strolling it down She's like whistling and so then comes creepy old lady and says what did she say? Dabs the almighty Jesus that was a fucking wire style shit again there push it over the bridge Which she's a badass at the way he's not terribly good at her job I mean because the first thing you think they teach you in assassin school is dead people float So now let's talk about the great finale of this episode Which was the hound having having bonded with Ian McShane over child murder He's chopping wood so loud that he doesn't hear the 50 men and women getting murdered Yeah in the background, so he like stops chopping wood He's like strangely quiet over here and like walks down the hill to the grisly a scene I've ever seen in my life ocean of dead people Yeah, it was like a lot of dead people that doesn't happen quietly and then comes probably the best moment of the season so far He like looks down at the axe like damn it and like takes the axe right and then just rolls off and you're like Oh, it's gonna be version 2.0 the hound. I love that sound read instead of armor It's gonna be him in a fucking like whatever those peasants wear an axe And he's just gonna go in town to town slaughtering the fuck out of people till he meets the zombie mountain All right, so let's do some predictions for what we're gonna see for the rest of the season. Okay. Here's a possible prediction Okay, I think they might bring in lady stone heart. Yeah, there's been a lot of debate about that Which is a character that they the showrunners said they weren't gonna bring in from the book But they're doing it. There's a couple of things that happened in this episode that made me Think that that might be the reveal maybe not necessarily next episode But definitely by the end of the season that might end up being the big reveal my prediction is that and I mentioned this earlier But definitely lady mormon has to have spin-off romance because I like shipping people in West Robin.
Yeah, it's gotta be a sweet Robin That's what little fingers do it. It's like one of the check marks on his to-do list, right?
He brings Lord Aaron down and like they see each other and she's like looking at a bird She sees him and dollies in and like the Westeros equivalent of this magic moment. Yes We're all seeing and have been seeing forever that Daenerys is coming with the dragons to take over Westeros. Yeah Like I'd love that to just happen already. Yeah, I wouldn't mind cutting to the next episode and it's already it's already Yeah, everything's not mine. Everything's on fire. Yeah Like and just and then interior just drinking sideways out of his goblet will be fun to go to Westeros Hey guys, thanks so much for watching this episode of Game of Thrones recap winter is taking forever.
You got it Again, we're still looking for more segments to add. So feel free to in the comments below suggest other segments please like and subscribe and share if you enjoyed the video and You know What other ships can you guys see? Yeah, who else should get together?
Yeah, do you I feel like it's really important that the guy who looks like Jeff Tweedy who's now Lord of the Iron Islands Shows up with the ships and sings California stars to Daenerys I think that's really important and just immediately wins her over. She's like, oh, that's the hero I would take other songs. I would be fine with war on war. I'd be fine with Several other Wilco tracks. I'd be fine with that |
dropout | extreme_makeover_facebook_edition | Welcome back to Xtreme Makeover Facebook Edition. Two hours ago, Ryan Beckford's life changed forever. Hey everybody, this is Ryan Storm. He's probably asleep. Let's go surprise him. Good morning Ryan Beckford!
Oh my god!
Hey, let's tear down this Facebook wall!
Yeah! Awesome!
We sent Ryan to the dining hall so we could work on his Facebook profile. Now it's time for him to see what we did. Okay buddy, you ready?
Let's move! That bus! Screensaver! Oh my god!
Ryan's ugly, so his profile picture was a real challenge. Just... A real challenge.
Look what we did for you, you little handsome devil. We gave you a photo you never knew you wanted. You're so awesome.
It's really far away though, you can't really tell that it's me. Well we found that most of your photos really accentuated your face, so what we did is we untagged you in those. Untagging photos is Facebook's way of erasing embarrassing memories.
It's much more effective than alcohol. And cheaper too.
It's... It's incredible. We figured you'd want your girlfriend to see this next part, so here she is. Hey! Okay, we changed your status to single because the only relationships you should be in are joke ones with a same sex friend. It's okay. It's totally for the best.
Now we also noticed that your status updates were super embarrassing, so we went ahead and deleted those. I mean, nobody really gives a shit about how much homework you have, am I right?
Oh yeah, totally. Up top. Okay, let's take a look at your apps.
But there aren't any left.
Applications are such a great way of showing the world how much of a douche boner machine you are. With the new success under their belt, the mainstream makeover team continues to change Facebook lives, one poke at a time.
Bye! Hey, do I get to keep that new computer because you're kind of broke by? Nah, you're fine. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Albo_s_Bender_A_Goanna_Pull_Brisbane_Goes_Green_More_June_3 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. And it's been two weeks since the federal election. We here at the Batutah Advocate couldn't be happier with the less noisy, more localized, more enjoyable news cycle I have to say myself. I'm Clancy Overletter, the Batutah Advocate, I'm joined today for your weekly bulletin with Effie Bateman.
How are you? Yeah, I'm doing well Clancy, how are you? Good, thank you. And how are you, Errol Parker, editor-at-large? I'm alright, mate.
My thoughts are with young Wendell today, going for his Ps for the 15th time. As we all know, we record these on a Friday and he's taken an entire week of annual leave to get ready for this big exam.
He had on today and I've just got word that he hit the kerb in the reverse park and that's an instant fail. I always told him he should wait for a rainy day to take that test because on a rainy day the gravel up on Mount Remianco is our biggest and only hill. It's so loose that the driving instructors actually just mark off, they don't even bother with the hill start. Well, that's what they were saying but then, you know, on the 14th time he went to go and get his license, he did hit Sam Levender's herdachshund. He ran over that and it just burst like a boiled sausage and it was, yeah, no, it wasn't a very good thing. They had to get the gurney out to get it off the road.
I mean, yeah, who knows, he's hit the kerb, he might still pass, I guess, if he nails his parallel. I think he's just a bus person. Yeah, he must power to him, one less car off the road. Yeah, it's better for the environment. And the bus people are proud people, they've been around for generations and I think that sometimes people just need to bite the bullet and accept the fact that they're bus people. And that's Wendell.
What's in the news, Effie? And starting off with some political news this week, Anthony Albanese has emerged from his one month Blues Fest bender to learn that he's now the Prime Minister of Australia. Yes, quite a shock for the old Marigold Mauler apparently. You may have seen the image of a very dishevelled looking Anthony Albanese emerging from his home this week in a vintage Newtown Jets rugby league jersey and some pajama pants. It has now been confirmed that he was actually emerging from the back end of a giant bender that began at Blues Fest when he was at the start of the federal election campaign. Yes, and if you can't remember, if you have the memory of a goldfish, it all kicked off after he was booed by Blues Fest fans for interrupting Jimmy Barnes. I didn't know he was a fucking blues musician, but anyway, and that continued all the way through this week. So from that to now, it's believed that he's given well over 100 press conferences under the influence of alcohol or other things such as life and more blues music, perhaps some hip hop to keep him going in the early hours of the morning, which is obviously quite impressive when you think about it, you know, some of those debates he had to do. Yeah, and it does give you a bit of context to that unemployment gaffe, completely understandable. But yeah, must have been dealing with some serious anxiety this week.
Anyway, there's some new sheriff's in town on the other side of parliament as the Liberals have gotten a sensitive soul in Peter Dutton, and the Nationals held their leadership Goanna pulled down in Canberra to elect David Littleproud as their new leader. Yes, our very own David, soon to be the Deputy Prime Minister of Australia, if the rest of you pull your heads together. Yes, he's our local member out here in the Maranoa, it's good to see our region getting a bit of representation finally, not since the days of Bruce Scott have we been on the front page of a newspaper. And if you aren't exactly sure what a Goanna pull is, or a Goanna Wrestle as it's known down south, it's kind of like a tug of war, but between two men who get down on all fours and pull like a Goanna, then they pull and they pull and they pull, and the first one to yield is the one that loses. Yes, they need two leather belts tied up together, so it's usually the wildest members of the party will volunteer their belts. In the case of the National Party's leadership spill, I believe it was Matt Canavan, and that rowdy new bloke who's just been elected in, Flynn, Colin Boyce, they are offered off their belts, tied them together, came down to three challenges, Darren Chester, the nice guy napped from Victoria, David Littleproud, the eventual winner from the Maranoa, and Barnaby Joyce, the old guard. They had to sign a waiver to take part in the Goanna pool, and as we know, in the end, Barnaby Joyce ended up going down, Chester didn't get a start at all, and Littleproud got up. And that says a bit about his basic level of fitness as well, and his low centre of gravity.
And that now marks the third time Barnaby has been ousted from the leadership, back in our own home state of Queensland, and there is an incredible transformation going on in the capital, as the Brisbane River has returned to its natural colour just one week after the city elected three green MPs. It's truly remarkable this, you see the photos and the first thing you think, they're photoshopped in the way that real estate agents have been doing for years, but somehow just after the grand slide in the southeast corner, the Brisbane River has changed from the muddy brown that we know and love, to a pristine blue, crystal clear. This is a postcard standard of river, it's just incredible stuff. Yes, and as of this week, the Brisbane River is once again sparkling in its natural crystal blue thanks to these filthy fucking lefties that have gotten in here. It is believed that the minor environmental changes like redirecting the city's human waste out to sea and banning cruise ships from dumping their fuel while at dock has changed the face of the city forever.
It has caused a little bit of a naming issue though, as it's known by plenty as a brown snake, but Greens leader Adam Bant has put forward a motion for it to be called the Blue Tongue going forward. Typical Victorian. And there was a comment on this one from a James Fish who said, two more greens and we would have summoned Captain Planet. Hear, hear, that's a good one, Fisher.
And a bit of retail news to round out the week, and Azito power tools are now to be removed from shelves as part of the new single use plastics ban from New South Wales. Yes, not a great week to be involved with the incredibly popular power tool company Azito. Given the new single use plastic bans that are coming into force around the country, anyone selling the Chinesium tools could be faced with a $100,000 fine. Certainly a hefty price to pay, so it looks like the cheapskate DIY dads are going to have to find cheap tools elsewhere going forward, unless Azito can try and find a way to make their plastic thicker than the 35 microns they have come to be known for. It's a tricky task and we'll try and keep you updated on that one.
Lucky I've always been a teal Ryobi man myself. Yeah, I mean the Makita, Yamaha, even have a history of making pretty handy drills, but yeah, no, Yamaha, Yamaha, Yamaha, dude, they do a good drill. Yamaha power drills, but I know that they do make like instruments and trumpets, motorbikes, yamaha make a good piano too. But as for Azito, I don't trust any lawnmowers that are plugged into the wall. Well, that's what they say about a good lawnmower is that you can push it in the pool and it still works.
Yeah, yeah. Rather than, you know, electrocute yourself. All those people in the pool, which I have seen saw a young boy throw a stereo into a spa and electrocute those two people in there. Wild times, eh? The 90s. Anyway, that's it from us this week. Thank you for tuning in to the weekly bulletin from the Batutah Advocate. Ciao. Bye. Hoorah. |
TheOnion | Man_Hasn_t_Heard_Or_Read_Single_True_Thing_In_6_Years | The air travel industry has been grounded by the coronavirus pandemic this year. And now many airlines are looking to win back some customers with increased safety measures and cheap deals on flights. Hear how United is looking to increase their revenue with new ultra economy class tickets that let passengers get dragged behind the plane by a giant rope. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical. I'm Leslie Price, and this daily news podcast has just been cleared for takeoff. So stay with us. According to the air travel industry, no one's been more affected by the coronavirus pandemic than the air travel industry. And as the holiday travel season draws near, more airlines are looking to turn around what has been a rough 2020 and lure back customers with some very cost-friendly deals.
United Airlines today has introduced their new low fare ticket option called ultra economy class, which lets passengers get pulled behind a plane with a giant rope to their destination. For about $100 less than your average economy ticket, you can forgo a seat to instead be escorted to the runway and given one end of a 75 foot long rope tied to the plane's turbine engine to hang onto for the duration of your flight. United spokesperson Travis Porter had this to say today. Whether you choose to hold onto the rope for dear life or use United's complimentary knot tying guide to securely strap it around your body, we guarantee your ultra economy experience will be just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any of our other flying options. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the views on the ultra economy class.
We're joined now by OPR travel reporter Alan Potts. Alan, welcome. Thanks for having me, Leslie.
Now, Alan, what I like about this ultra economy option is the open air aspect, but how does it stack up against the competitor's discounted economy options? The price, for one. If you're looking for cheap flights, you're going to want to fly by those United ropes. For example, a cross country flight on an ultra economy class ticket will cost you only $215 compared to the $315 you'd spend flying the same route on Delta's lowest economy option, Delta Relax, which lets you sit underneath a toilet for the duration of the flight. And are there any hidden costs? I know with Delta's Relax, you have to pay an extra $15 to rent a flashlight so you can actually see in the various pitch black waste tanks you're dropped in. That's where I thought that the ultra option failed a little. The baseline cost is great, but if you want to parachute to safely land at your destination, it's an extra $35. Or you can opt for a knife at $15 to cut yourself loose during the descent. And if you want to carry on a bag, it's an extra $25 to have a runway worker tape your suitcase to the side of the plane with a two inch square of duct tape. So that's an extra $50 or $60 right off the bat. Exactly.
Critics say that those extra costs really defeat the purpose of buying a discounted economy ticket in the first place. That's why I hear that a lot of people like flying through American Airlines' discounted economy class because they don't have those extra costs. In fact, if you prostrate in front of an American Airlines flight attendant and cry, I'm not worthy, they knock $35 off your ticket. And will also give you a free bag of pretzels if you allow them to whip your bare knees throughout the duration of the flight. That's right, and a lot of competitors are touting today what they think sets their discounted ticket classes apart in light of United's rollout of the ultra economy class. For example, Spirit Airlines charges $30 for checked luggage. But just hours ago, they reminded customers via Twitter that they can always choose to have runway workers throw their suitcase at the aircraft's nose during takeoff, in hopes that it will bounce off the tip of the plane to its final destination at a discounted price of $15.
Ah, not bad. And Frontier Airlines just launched a nationwide campaign to re-advertise their basic select economy class, which involves groups of customers being released from cages on the runway and sprinting towards the plane to try and board it during takeoff. Nice, I'll have to check that one out. Now you were able to test out the ultra economy class early, what did you think? I did enjoy the extra leg space and fresh air that surrounded me, but things did get tricky during the latter part of the ascent when I had to deal with passing hail and atmospheric debris. Here's some audio of my experience I was able to record on my phone. Oh, sounds no less enjoyable than any other flight. And at about 35,000 feet I did pass out, which was a plus since I usually have a hard time sleeping on planes.
Any extra cost incurred? I did have to spend an extra $15 for a back brace so my spine wouldn't snap as I whipped through the air at 565 miles per hour, and that brace proved crucial. The man beside me flew without a brace and severed his spine almost immediately. Yeah, it would be nice if that was complimentary, but overall, would you say it was worth it? I did get to my destination on time, which a lot of budget airlines rarely guarantee, but the extra costs did add up, and I'm currently undergoing pretty intense skin grafts to replace the skin lost on my face and extremities due to sun exposure.
Yeah, you look pretty rough in the picture you sent me from the hospital. Just happy I have a nose again. Thanks Alan, and get well soon. That's OPR's Alan Potts. We'll be back in a moment.
What happens when the bravest among us, our men and women in uniform, are thrown into a nightmare situation? We expect them to rise to the occasion, but we never think about the toll it takes on those who make it out alive. OPR's Jenna Resnick has the story of one such man now caught in the crossfire of trying to piece his life back together. It was terrible. Sorry, I still have a hard time talking about it. That's Mitchell Dunlap, private first class US Army. Mitchell has seen active service in both Iraq and Afghanistan, but nothing could have prepared him for what he experienced in the public bathroom of his local hardware store, something that still haunts him to this day.
I was sitting there, screaming in pain. It was hot, and my entire body was sweating. The smell. That smell doesn't go away. It was horrifying. I thought it would die in there.
We don't have to go on if it's too difficult for you. No, it's fine.
I've been working on opening up about it, not letting it have so much power over me. Everyone always talks about the physical pain, but it's the emotional pain that sticks with you. That feeling that you have absolutely no control over what's happening.
I lost a part of myself in that toilet. Sorry. I just need a moment. With Mitchell's permission, what you're about to hear is audio recorded on his phone during the bathroom incident, a warning that what you're about to hear may be disturbing for some listeners, as it does contain violence. Oh, Lord.
Please help me get out of this and see my family one more time. But if I don't, I want my children to know that I...
Oh, oh, no. What's that? Oh, mother of God, it's coming. Oh, fuck, my ears are ringing. I can't hear anything. Oh, my God. If my family is hearing this, I love you.
And it wasn't just hard for Mitchell. His whole family felt the brunt of his grunts, and his wife Donna was left just as scarred. There were times when I didn't think he was coming back, but I'm just happy that my prayers were answered. And he was able to make it out of that dump alive.
Have you noticed any changes in Mitchell since he returned? I'm sorry. He just hasn't been the same since he came back.
Even the sound of a toilet flushing or stomach growling is enough to set him off. It's a daily struggle, usually at least twice in the morning and once in the afternoon. But after realizing just how much a toll his experience in that stall was taking on his family, Mitchell decided it was time to take back control. The sounds of those bombs dropping still echo in my head. Even though it can make me feel helpless, I'm doing what I can.
I've seen a gastroenterologist get my stomach right, been eating a lot of fiber. It's been good for me, but what was that? Nothing, Mitch. You just have some gas.
Nothing to worry about, just stay calm. Oh, just stay calm. You want me to stay calm? I'm about to cover this whole place in shit. You want me to stay calm?
There is no hope for me.
All right, you get out of here. You go, go save yourself. Oh, my God. It will pass. Just take a deep breath.
Okay. No, it's, I'm right. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm okay.
Mitch still has a long way to go in his recovery, but with the support of his family and a team of medical professionals, he hopes that one day his life and his bowels will return to normal.
For OPR, I'm Jenna Resnick. Absolutely disgusting, Jenna.
Thank you. As a civilian who hasn't defecated since before Operation Desert Storm, I can only imagine the hardships that brave man has endured. Back in a moment. Well, folks, as I mentioned at the top of the episode, I got myself into a sour little pickle and apparently double-booked myself. So we're just going to switch gears here for a moment.
This is Dr. Lislerford Price's medical log, as ordered by the American Medical Association and the great states of New York, Illinois, California, Michigan, and the lower 46. Okay, send in my 930 please, Margaret. Hello, Dr. Price?
Ouch! What the hell? No need to panic, friend. That was just this year's flu shot. You are Benjamin, sorry, Benny Nesbitt? Um, yes.
Leslie, I work with you every day. I sit on the other side of the studio window. Well, I know Benny the segment producer, but I have yet to have the pleasure of meeting Benny the patient.
Well, let's just jump right in here. I don't have a scale, so I'm just going to pick you up real quick. I'll say between 150 and 300. And what are you, like 610?
Sorry, when did you become a doctor? Are you even a doctor? Depends on who's asking. Hop up on this examination table, please. You see, for the valued OPR employee, yes, I am indeed a doctor. The doctor, actually.
I even have a jar of lollipops. No blue ones, though. Those are mine.
Oh, that reminds me, I'm supposed to ask, do you have the basic OPR primary care plan, or the one with the broken, weird, and misplaced bones add-on? Uh, the first one. That's the only one available, I think. Oh, right.
They cut dental because we all kept licking Dirk's fingers while they were in our mouths, and he didn't like it. Now open your mouth, but don't get any ideas. I mean, unless you want to. Just to be clear- Tongue out.
Ah. Uh. Um.
Just to be clear, you are a doctor doctor, right? Listen, you need an OPR in-network provider, right? Well, I work here in this building at the OPR radio network. In-network. See how that works? Simple. Plus, you don't really have a choice, because I'm the only doctor in your network.
But that's okay, because you're totally covered with me. Okay, tongue looks good. Gonna test your hearing now, so please put these headphones on and slap your knee anytime you hear a tone. By the way, I have a dual degree in broadcasting and medicine from the premier online school for trick bartending in Yale, Iowa. Yale? Wow. Well, I mean, as long as you have a medical degree- Any day now. Okay, take those off. Great job with that test, by the way. You're being such a good boy.
So tell me, what brings you in today? I got an email from HR saying that this was the only day we're allowed to use our health insurance, so I figured I'd get a checkup while I could. Okay, and I see here you have a history of heart disease, mental derangement, and a debilitating phobia of chapstick tubes being rolled really, really high out of their bases until they stick to the roof of the cap and pop themselves out?
No. Oh no?
Shoot, that's, uh, that's another patient's deal. Okay, well, between me, you, and HIPAA, let's pretend you didn't hear that. Now, since you're a new patient, I'm going to ask you a few more routine questions.
Just, uh, slide over a smidge so we can make sure the levels are right. Wait, have you been rolling on this? Sure. Well, can you please turn the mic off? I want to talk about something- Legally, no, everything has to be on the record. You know as well as anyone how this works, Benny, come on.
So are you still at 4629 Essex Court? You can't just nod, Benny, it's radio. Are you still at 4629 Essex Court?
Yes. And you live alone? Um, yes. Aw, you should get a roommate. Oh, I don't know- Uh, let's see, uh, what else? Boring, boring, boring. Ooh, here's a good one. Are you sexually active? Yes. Well, la-di-da. Okay, playboy.
Leslie, stop. I'll relax you, Hefner, I'm just kidding. Now, lean forward. I'm just gonna gently rub your back while you breathe in.
Okay, there you go. Breathe in nice and deep. And out. Good. And again. Okay, that should do it. Wow.
Feel better, big guy? Well, actually, yeah, that last part was pretty soothing. And I find it soothing that you're the first patient who's lived through one of these appointments. What? It's like I've always said, having your medical care tied to your employment is a good thing, especially for me. Rewarding work, I'll tell ya.
Wait a minute, am I- Is- Is this blood? Am I bleeding? When did you- Oh my god! Where- where is it even coming from? Is this gonna stop? Not if I did it right.
Alright, come on up now. Up, up, up. Off the bench.
Watch your oozing. Alright, gotta wipe up some of this before my 10 o'clock. We'll be back in a moment. Benny, you're lollipop! Alright, Angie from payroll, who by the way has been waiting very patiently for her turn, is next. And we're gonna help you deliver that baby, Angie, just as soon as we're through delivering the rest of this news. Here's what else you need to know today.
With his chances of re-election all but lost, President Trump is hoping to turn things around today by finally agreeing to a Zoom debate. Members of the Trump campaign quickly sent over a meeting invitation to both the Biden campaign and several major news networks, all of which remain unanswered. And after failing to earn the amount of support they had hoped to from Latino voters, members of the Democratic Party are trying to figure out exactly what went wrong and how they can do more to court the ever-importance voting base. In an effort to do so, top Democratic strategists have announced today they plan to hold a screening of Three Amigos so they can all better understand Latino culture.
Oh man, I love that movie. Count me in.
And finally, residents in Chicago may soon be noticing some changes coming to their beloved CTA, as Mayor Lori Lightfoot unveiled plans today to replace Chicago's decades-old public transit system with a brand new fleet of police. Well, that will certainly change some people's commute, but if it helps balance the city's budget, then it's a welcome change indeed.
And that's the Topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. Yeah, just wheeler right there. That's fine.
If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to check and see if I'm in your network. Otherwise, you're going to get a pretty big bill for listening. You can also like and subscribe to The Topical wherever you get your podcast.
All right, Angie, are you ready? Because I'm going to need you to start breathing. And push! And don't forget to tune into tomorrow's episode of The Topical, where we'll find out what Angie's going to name her adorable new baby and who the father is. Your guess is as good as mine, and probably hers. You won't want to miss it. We'll see you tomorrow. I think I see the head! |
dropout | jake_and_david_try_to_impress_si_swimsuit_models_2 | So here we are in Las Vegas thanks to Sobey, we're about to attend our second Sports Illustrated red carpet event. Now we found out what the swimsuit models thought about appearance, let's see what they have to say about personality. Psh, whatever. No, that's why we're here, we're going to find out what they have to say. I'm playing it cool, man. Come on. My microphone works. Today we want to focus on personality. Okay, let's do that.
Do you personally prefer a fun guy who can make jokes or a silent brooding type? Both. I'm actually the one who likes the nervous kind of guy, the shy guy, but at the same time knows how to crack a really good joke. I'm not a fan of the person that has to be a life at the party, but I do love humor. I have to laugh all the time.
Is nerdy in? Do you like a nerdy guy? Um, uh, duh. How about it? Nerdy isn't?
Can we talk about Lord of the Rings? Let's talk about Lord of the Rings, if he's talented, like if he can play the guitar or juggle.
That's sexy. I can juggle guitars. That's impressive.
It's also a lie. How do you feel about guys that are liars? I don't like that. Ouch.
What if I can dance? I can't play basketball, but I'm a dancer too. It depends on what kind of dance, I don't know.
Hold this for one second. Okay. I don't know if I can really take you in tight.
Do you like a guy who can shed some tears? It's not the biggest turn on, especially in like movies and stuff, but if they're shedding tears over me, then it's fun. Okay, it's about when he cries. Like there are instances where you have to be like, okay, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. It's not the biggest turn on, especially in like movies and stuff, but if they're shedding tears over me, then it's fun. Okay, it's about when he cries. Like there are instances where you have to cry.
What about a guy who can do some impressions? You know, a Jay Leno or something?
I hate it. No, I don't. I don't.
In round two, we'll use what the models taught us about personality to try and pick up girls on the street. For every girl we impress, we'll get a point. For every girl who rejects us, we'll lose a point.
How do you feel about a guy who can cry, who's like in touch with a sensitive side?
I don't know.
I like a guy that's okay with crying, but I don't like one who needs tampons. That's a beautiful answer. Just hold me for a second. A man who can cry. I think it's good to a certain extent. Do you need a tissue lump? Hold on. I need a minute.
Okay, so I was told by swimsuit models that they would be impressed by a guy who knows how to juggle. Yeah. Would that impress you? Yeah, I would like to see you juggle. You're a very talented young man. Excellent job with the oranges. That sounds so sarcastic.
What do you think about nerdy guys? Like a confident nerd. Somebody who's just really, really comfortable with being nerdy. It's not my type.
But you still respect the confidence. Confident like Aragorn when he took on Sauron's army.
No? How long would I have to juggle to, let's say, get your phone number? Probably a while. I'm going to show you my dance move, and you guys just tell me if you approve or disapprove. You can.
Ladies, do you like a man who can make you laugh? I think that's the sexiest quality. Perfect for me.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo who? There's no reason to cry. I'm right here, baby. Oh, lord.
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he's a fungi.
Okay. Can I have your numbers or email addresses? No. Thank you. No. Cool. Ladies, does your dream man know how to do impressions? Maybe. Hey, I'm Kayla. What's up? No. That was awful. Okay. You guys think it's cool when a guy can play a guitar? Yes. If you guys don't mind, I'd like to play a song for you.
I don't know him anymore. There's nothing with air.
Hey, where are you guys going? Let me get your numbers then? At least give me the mic back.
That was expensive. So, Jake, at this point, I sort of think the swimsuit models are working against us. I wonder if we wronged them in some way. Well, the important thing is we're putting ourselves out there.
You know? It does hurt. Yeah. It does hurt.
Want to check out Copperfield tonight? |
dropout | the_apothecary_barista | Hey, gang, I know everyone has been working so hard lately, so I decided to splurge and get a little treat for the office. Leaksha's Action Soils! Leaksha's... A barista! Okay, what do I have going on here?
Verily, my tall lad, he's an apothecary. Rare and strange are the trots. He's an apothecary. Okay, what do I have going on here? Verily, my tall lad, he's an apothecary.
Rare and strange are the trots. I brew. And well would do the man who tried my worst to heed my warning. Should you sip of the potions collected here?
Yeah, we get it.
Do you have any chai? I'm sorry? Chai. Do you have anything with chai?
Uh, I mean we might. We don't really sort the potions by flavor, you know? Most people usually buy these for their magical properties. Don't upsell me, Bramilda. I know what I want and that's a tasty chai potion. I'm honestly not trying to upsell you.
I'm allergic to soy. Nothing you have has soy, does it?
Uh, no. What about this one right here? Ah, we use minotaur. Yeah, does that have soy? For real? What did I just say? Okay, I'll just take the minotaur potion.
Oh, but no foam. Okay, there's no foam. Can I have a foam? None of the potions come with foam. Ah, machine's broken. There is no machine. No potions have foam here.
Look, here. Your essence of labyrinth. Oh, well, you know, with a name like that, it's gonna be like a thousand calories. Wow, you guys have got to try this. It's good? Yes, it's just like a frappuccino, but it shows you how you're going to die.
You guys have a rewards program? The only rewards here, my boy, are paid for with your very soul. Oh, so it's like a membership? No, not like a membership.
You guys should try this one. It's mint mocha.
Young maiden. Young maiden?
How flattering. You look great, too.
I sincerely don't.
Oh, no. Stop drinking it. It's really good. This be the antidote. Drink this. Sorry, does this have citrus in it? I'm not a big fan of fruit flavors. If you don't drink it, you will literally die.
Well, shit. Okay, uh, fuck. All right. Well, how about this? Okay, okay.
All right, here, we have the elixir of life brewed from Phoenix fire and unicorn tears. This can raise the dead and even gra- Hey, what the- Oh, now that's that good chai taste I crave.
You fool! What has thou done? Do you guys have an app? For the last time! Yes, we do! We are in the app store under the name Brews with a Z. Have a stickler.
I'm sorry, I just- I know I'm tasting soy. I can promise we don't use soy. You're probably tasting the soils of the dam, which is a very similar flavor. It's creamy.
For the cost of a very big dumpling per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. Chat with us live in the Dropout Discord. And exclusive content such as Dimension 20.
There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? So sign up for your free trial today. Or don't. You know, do what you think is right. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life.
I don't even know you. That would be crazy.
It was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I'm sorry. And that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA? |
dropout | how_to_politely_talk_shit_hardly_working | Five, four, three, two, hang on, I got an email from the HR girl. Oh, Kayla, right? Kayla, yeah, Kayla, her. She's kind of, uh, particular.
Yes. I agree with that, yeah.
Super nice girl. Super nice.
She's a little specific. Yeah. Specific? Yeah, specific.
A little quirky? Idiosyncratic. A bit meticulous. Yes. That's a very good way to put it.
But she does have a kind of, I don't know, vibe, you know? That vibe she gives off.
Yeah, yeah.
You're not... Prickly. A bit much. Abrasive.
I mean, bless her heart. Oh, bless her heart. Bless her heart.
This kind of rubs me wrong. She means well. She means well as well. She's not my cup of tea.
You know, it takes all kinds. It takes all kinds.
She's just... A cunt? She is a cunt, yeah. Yeah, that is a cunt. That's where I was looking for. I said particular, but I meant a cunt. That you said that because I was thinking it the whole time and, you know, maybe honesty is more polite than thinly veiled insults. Yeah. Cunt. That's the word. She's a cunt.
Did you get my email?
It's Kayla.
We need to hang out more. Hi, I'm Emily from College Humor. Did you like that video? Cool. Then click here for more videos or click here to unlock secret features like College Humor videos showing up in your YouTube feed, or being subscribed to College Humor, or turning that red subscribe button into a gray subscribed button. Wow. |
dropout | a_full_body_cast | So, when we was filming that attack ad, Plum done hit the ground instead of the trampoline, like an idiot. So, now she's got to wear this cast around. Doctor said I could've died. No, baby. I tried to kill you once before you was born, and look at you now, you're a tough cookie. Tougher than a twin brother anyways.
Who? Exactly. Plum. Plum, that spill was epic. And your commercial really got me thinking.
Kennedy is boring.
And you're crazy, but in a cool way. Can I sign your cast? Yeah, me too. Plum, for president! And, you know, I did my tie like yours. We all did. All of a sudden, everyone would love me up. I just want to see Principal Harris's face be won. Great, you totally freed. Thank you for your support. Mom, are we done? My whole cast is filled up. See, you can't quit, we'll use a head.
Remember the story of the rabbit and the turtle? We quit reading after one page, now we never know what happens.
Let's get you more cast. So, I done taken her nurse's office and due to her, what they did all that ancient Egypt was present enough to do. I got mamified. Whoa, little dude, are you okay? Yeah, no, she all banged up from that fall on that video. Y'all can go ahead and write something nice. Get better. Fuck Kennedy. Whatever you want. You're a badass, Plum. Mama, I gotta do number both.
Uh, no. Plum, I just don't wrap you up. I'm not gonna undone wrap you now, okay?
Piss and shit your full body cast. Do you hear me? Do not be... Oh my God. Did you just piss and shit your full body cast? Oh my God.
That smell... That smell worse than all them Starbucks bathrooms put together.
Ah.
We was going after a dream. Sometimes when you dream, you're a nightmare. Sometimes when you nightmare, you shit the bed. But if you shit the bed, you just gonna give up on sleep? Now, you gonna plug your nose and flip the mattress. I want my own bed.
Okay, cool your majesty. Look it, baby. I don't poke cheese from the teacher's lounge to help cover up your stink. Now hold this lit, sandy candle while I spray you with air freshener. Mama, is this a good idea? Oh my God. Plum, you right. Them's too good ideas. Now hold your breath and close your eyes. This might sting a little. It stinks a lot.
Luckily, she was already in a full body cast. So let the healing begin, I guess. So Mama broke my arm and sent me a fire.
And to find out what happened next, you gotta sign up for Dropout. It's Dropout?
It's a premium ad-free, uncensored comedy platform for the people that do college humor that no animals were harmed during the making of.
But Mama, what about all them birds? My bad. We killed, like, 40 months.
Recycling is a myth!
Stop copying me! |
SaturdayNightLive | brokaw_voicemail_saturday_night_live | Okay, Tom, let's just do this promo and then we're out of here. Thank God. whenever you're ready, Tom. All right. this evening on Nbc Nightly News, we'll take a look at how the national deficit will impact upon the wealthiest 1% and on the Fleecing of America, a new study that links dyslexia to male pattern baldness. Tom, I'm not sure. that was great, but it seems like you stumbled a little bit on Wealthiest. do you want to try that again? absolutely not. Okay, we're done.
Hey, Tom, I don't want to bother you, but can I ask you something? Okay, well, Cynthia, I do have a dinner engagement, but I can always spare a second for the gal who keeps me looking prettier than Dan rather. Well, here's the thing. I've had the same outgoing message on my voicemail for a long time, and I thought maybe you could, like, spice it up a bit. And? And I thought it would be really fun if you could record my message. Okay, Cynthia, I'm really pressed for time right now. it'll only take a second. I brought a handheld tape recorder, and all you gotta do is read from this script.
All right. All right, can I sit down? Please. good evening.
I'm Tom Brokaw. in Local News, Cynthia is not in. However, authorities insist that if you leave your name, number, and a short message, Cynthia will return your call. more on this important story at 11. that's a funny script, Cynthia. Okay, thanks. that was good, but that wasn't great. so maybe you should try it again. Okay, Cynthia, I. no, really. just really quick. you know, do it like you do the breaking news, you know. Okay, fine. okay, go. good evening. I'm Tom Brokaw. In Local News, Cynthia is not in. However, authorities insist that if you leave your name, number, and a short message, Cynthia will return your call. more on this important story at 11. Okay, okay.
I see what you were going for there, but treat it more like an important story. you know, like a hospital fire. a hospital fire. Yeah, hospital fire, but, you know, have more fun with it. Okay, a hospital fire, but fun.
Yeah. Go. Okay. good evening. I'm Tom Brokaw.
In Local News, Cynthia is not in. However, authorities. Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I don't think you're understanding me. I think you're getting caught up with the whole hospital fire thing. maybe just make it more intense. Okay, I thought that was pretty intense. Yeah, I'm sure you thought it was, but you're not hearing you. I'm hearing you.
And it really needs that extra, you know, oomph. oomph. you're looking for more oomph. Yeah, more oomph. that would be great.
Okay, Cynthia, I'm late for dinner with Deepak, Shulpride, and Raleigh Fingers. they hate it when I'm late. Okay, Tom, this is the last time. I promise. Okay, all right. here goes with a little more oomph. Good evening. I'm Tom Brokaw.
In Local News, Cynthia is not In. However, authorities insist that if you leave your name, number, and a short message, Cynthia will return your card. damn it. you said card.
Okay, I know. I know.
Good evening. I'm Tom Brokaw.
In Local News, Cynthia is not In.
Wait, wait, wait. No, no. you're rushing. you're rushing. Why are you doing that?
Good evening. I'm Tom Brokaw. No, no, no. that's too angry. Good evening. I'm Tom Brokaw. Okay, now you sound like the. okay, what the hell do you want from me? I'm trying to do you a favor, you idiot. you're completely out of your mind. Okay. and by the way, the 11 o'clock News is local, And I'm Tom Brokaw. I'm bigger than that. Okay, what you're doing right now, right now, that's it. do it and put it on the table. Okay. good evening. I'm Tom Brokaw.
In Local News, Cynthia is not in. However, authorities insist that if you leave your name, number, and a short message, Cynthia will return your call. more on this important story at 11, which is the freaking Local News.
That was perfect. But you were rude.
So, I'm not going to use it. I'm going to leave a message of my own. What the hell is. Hi, it's Cynthia. I can't come to the phone right now, because I'm stuck working for that jerk. |
SaturdayNightLive | pinx_period_underwear_snl | First dates, am I right? I was actually excited about this one. So of course I got my period today.
I want a period option that's convenient and discreet so I don't have to worry about leaks, odors, or anything. When I'm at work, I don't have time to run back and forth to the bathroom. I want to be able to forget all about it.
Now you can with Pinks period underwear. The super absorbent period panties that can hold up to 12 hours of you know you'll be covered all day long no matter what. And the only person who has to know you're on your period is you. Now My period is my little secret. Pink's period underwear is made of all organic materials and is way more eco-friendly than tampons.
I love not having to bring a bag of supplies wherever I go. I love not having to think about it.
Now I get to do me and Pinks does the rest. Dogs really love you. I have a cheeseburger in my pocket. Everyone is different. Pink says options for every level of absorbency. Life, regular, super tremendous and biblical. they're just a great pair of underwear. they can hold everything. I love steaks. Sorry. hey so no more hiding, no more plastic and no more stress. You should feel beautiful, human, attractive. Now you can walk, crowd, have your period the way nature intended Pink's period underwear. this is the best idea we got you. |
cracked | times_a_landmark_gave_away_a_movie_s_true_location | A lot of movies that are set in iconic locations are really filmed somewhere else. Usually, you can't really tell, but here are a couple times that a landmark blew their cover. Spider-Man? Not an iconically New York superhero. Yeah. In Spider-Man 2, for his fight scene with Doc Up, they used the Chicago L train to replicate New York.
In Robocop, they're supposed to be in Detroit, but it was filmed almost entirely in Dallas, Texas. Now, Kazem Vinnie, you gotta be joking me this wasn't filmed in Alabama. Nope, that county courthouse where Joe Pesci wore that insane suit was actually in Monticello, Georgia. New York takes another hit on this list with Half Baked. When Harlan Williams feeds the police horse, he is directly in front of Toronto's Pizza Pizza. Anchorman famously set in San Diego. Or should I say LA? Finally, Tommy Boy, my favorite movie of all time, when they finally confront Ray Zelensky, they're supposed to be in downtown Chicago. But you can tell by the Toronto streetcars that they are actually in Canada. |
Fitzthistlewits | top_ten_tiptup_games | Tiptup, men love him, women want to be him, he's a bipedal tortoise with human teeth. In this video, we'll determine which was his finest hour.
10. Diddy Kong Racing. If you're like me, you'll have spent many hours playing Diddy Kong Racing, either voluntarily, or at the behest of an abusive stepfather with the pathological hatred for children. Diddy Kong Racing was Tiptup's first foray into pop culture, and subsequently our hearts.
But there were greater things in store for this snappy fellow. After all, slow and steady wins the race.
9. Banjo-Kazooie. After his lucrative stint as a race driver, Tiptup went on to pursue his true calling, that of a choir conductor living inside a giant turtle with hypothermia. As someone who suffered greatly from parasitic infections, I often wished that it was Tiptup residing in my colon instead of the numerous tapeworms.
8. Banjo-tooie. The Tiptup mythos was further expanded in this rare sequel, as we see Tiptup fathering a brood of Tip-Tupplings, the last of which must be brought to life via the caesarean of ground pounding that mofo right in the egg. It was an honour, Tiptup, to bring your son to life, one that I cherish to this day.
7. Banjo Pilot. I think he was in the river or something, I never played that one.
6. Diddy Kong Racing DS. Again, I never played that one but I think he had a cameo.
5. ehhh oooh eehh. |
dropout | every_jrpg_ever | long ago magic ruled the world but after the big magic wall the crystal was destroyed and magic died forever but some people believe magic could return wake up wake up how did you sleep oh you're not replying well that's okay your silence makes you easier to project onto now hurry the inciting incident festival is today I hear the town's mysterious crystal shard will be on display see you in 40 to 60 hours I can't wait to see the crystal shard I heard a rumor that monsters are coming back expositional yet pointless dialogue for as long as I can remember this crystal shot which is one of several has protected our village from bad things that are not good who knew an airship from the evil and weirdly high-tech Empire from one town over I'm the evil Emperor who's controlled by a demon with the power of the crystal shards I will rule Terra Gaia that's the name of the planet weirdly sexual henchmen burn the village steal the shard and let that boy run away I'm the final boss of this game okay you I can't believe we all escaped I'm a tomboy who secretly the Emperor's daughter my name is and I'm your spunky hometown friend slash bare knuckle boxer we're both in love with you for some reason now play mini games to compete for our affection I've never met somebody so good at this arbitrary task I think I'm falling in love with you I killed your father and I'm killing you because it turns out you were the final crystal all along you see you are the power of the crystal refined into the shape of a girl by the god moon so fuse your soul power with the earth navel Terra Gaia thought stream will and that's my plan now I shall escape while everyone is distracted by this poorly animated CGI cutscene should we enter the castle once we go in there's no coming back yeah let's go play some more mini games first hit me so this is it the final battle let's do it yo I'm a cat who can talk pretty far out idea huh behold my final form that is somehow gross but still sexy unless you have a secret skill you've never used until now this attack is powered by our love and our soul power I heard a rumor that monsters are coming back JK I have two more forms hey I'm Adam from college humor if you like that video click here to subscribe here to watch another video or here to see my penis oh your screen doesn't go that far oh wow really gonna miss out sorry |
ClickHole | he_s_palestinian_she_s_israeli_both_of_them_incorrectly_summarize_the_movie_blade_ | Hi, I am Waleed. I come from the city of Helhul in Palestine. Hello, my name is Hila and I am an Israeli living in Jerusalem.
Blade is an action horror movie set in Los Angeles. Blade follows a half-man, half-vampire who seeks to rid the world of criminals. His name is Blade after his favorite Blade. The hero Blaine is a police officer termed Bad by circumstances. Blade seeks to get his sunglasses back from the vampire criminals syndicate that stole them. Blaine can smell very well and solve complex math problems in his head. Blade can only fight at night because it is the only time he can see without his sunglasses. Blaine has the help of a disgraced auto mechanic named Doss and a doctor named Kristen who help Blaine come up with new weapons to fight vampires. Blade fights his way to the lair of Deacon Frost, the head of the vampire criminal syndicate.
He is played by Edward James Olmos. Kristen and Blaine head to shore to fight top vampire Chet played by Edward James Olmos. Chet steals Kristen, which enrages Blaine. Blade makes the vampires explode with garlic and the sunglasses shoot back onto Blade's head. With his sunglasses back, he is at peace. In a dramatic move, Blaine kills Chet, the king of vampires, by the waterworks and saves Kristen. Then they both fall asleep. Humanity is saved. Blade has saved humanity. |
TheOnion | Presenting_The_Ecstasy_Of_Defeat_The_First_Book_From_Onion_Sports | In the ancient crucible of competition, sports was born, and Onion Sports was there. Now, for the first time ever, Onion Sports is honored to present The Ecstasy of Defeat, the greatest collection of sports reporting ever assembled. This chronicle of sporting magnificence encompasses every sport known to civilization.
Boring, tedious, often unwatchable, Onion Sports has covered baseball. Pyrotechnic, racially uncomfortable, and yet also boring until the last three seconds of the NBA Finals, Onion Sports has covered basketball.
And the only sport really worth watching. The one sport with a starring role at the heart of the eye of the storm in the unfolding drama of the hard-hitting ass-kickery of American culture, Onion Sports has chronicled the brutal, blood-soaked, gridiron ballet that is football. Seriously, Onion Sports has really, really covered football, like a lot, because it seriously is the greatest. Football is just really awesome.
Anyway, The Onion presents The Ecstasy of Defeat and all the triumph, pageantry, and overly sentimental drivel that sports brings to the unfolding tapestry of humanity, and also a few hockey stories we were forced to include. The Ecstasy of Defeat, available everywhere this fall. |
TheOnion | Onion_Social_CEO_Embarks_On_Tour_Of_Several_Coffee_Shops_Near_Where_He_Lives | Hello, I'm Kim Boothman, Director of User Outreach at OnionSocial. In response to the concerns and suggestions of our global family, we've begun the process of updating many OnionSocial features to make this a more enjoyable experience for our most valued asset, you, the user. Here are some of the exciting updates rolling out across OnionSocial.
To ensure a more positive experience for all of our members, all posts and shares will now go through a rigorous vetting process before ever going public. I know, with over 45 million users all posting multiple times a day, it's going to be a lot of work, and we can't do it alone.
That's why we've introduced new user reporting functionality across OnionSocial. Now it will be easier than ever for users to report questionable content with the new Patriot Trader button. Any status, photo, or shared article will automatically give you the opportunity to praise a friend for being a patriot or deem them a traitor to your commonwealth. It's the simplest way to instantly ban friends you disagree with, who will then be located via their unique IFP address, banned from the site, and deported. Since this rollout, OnionSocial has become the number one hub for finger-pointing on the web, and we love it. So report, report, report. Now we've learned a lot since OnionSocial was rolled out a few days ago. OSocial was created for you, our friends and global family.
So to find out what our users thought would enhance their experience most on our site, our CEO Jeremy has himself been traveling to parts of America he's never been to to learn more about how ordinary Americans live their lives. His first stop was this Starbucks in Seaside, California, a full 12-minute drive from our Monterey offices. It's been an eye-opening journey, and Jeremy is posting updates to his OnionSocial page as he makes his way to a variety of authentic American coffee shops near where he lives. His conversations with everyday Americans have spanned a variety of topics, from asking them to watch his stuff while he goes to the bathroom, to asking if they know the Wi-Fi password. And he hopes these interactions will provide him with useful insight as we improve OnionSocial for everyone. It's been inspiring to see one of the greatest minds on the internet roll up his sleeves and get out of his comfort zone.
Can we go back to the office now? When his trip is finished this week, Jeremy will have spent over 30 minutes in each of the nine coffee shops on his tour.
This is just one of the many steps we at OnionSocial are taking to ensure our platform is helping to usher in a better tomorrow. You and your data are valuable to us, and we thank you for your continued feedback and support. We thank you for using OnionSocial. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_sarah_palin_rap_snl | And now here to clear up some misconceptions about her campaign: republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin for the chance to come out here tonight. But I've been thinking it over and I'm not gonna do the piece that we rehearsed. Maybe you're you're so good at it. Oh, I know it was really fun too. but my gut is telling me it might be a bad idea for the campaign. Are you sure? Yeah, after a lot of thought, I think it might just cross the line. Okay. Well in that case, Amy, do you want to do Governor Palin's part instead?
I guess I could give it a try. I mean, do you want to remember it? I kind of remember it.
Yeah, okay. why don't you try one two three? my name is Sarah Palin. you all know me, vice President, nominee of the gop gonna need you vote in the next election? Can I get a what? what from the senior section Mccain got experience? But don't let him freak you out when he tries to smile cuz that smile be creepy. But when I see all the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me, how you feel and you're all hot for teacher time looking fine on a snow machine, we just chill baby chilla, but when I see oil from my porch I can see Russia and such be a bitch. I'm Sarah Palin. good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. |
cracked | the_startup_a_less_productive_alternative_to_unemployment | Item 3, balance, edge, image, exceptional. All important words, but perhaps more importantly, all words.
But I'm not going to.
You're all over the place, buddy. You're out of place.
What's the problem with the site, Chris? I don't know what we do. Like, the product or the service that we produce or provide.
Right! Because we have none, yet! That's our motto!
Now that is a lucky coincidence. All coincidences are lucky. I would argue that no coincidence is lucky, if we're getting into semantics.
You're getting into semantics, though. That's not the same thing. The product or service that we produce or provide will come in time.
When I started Friendster, I didn't know what I was doing. I just liked the name. And I hired someone else, and then I got moneyless. I still like that name.
We gotta start somewhere, Chris. No, we have to start.
Do you need to hear my Friendster example again? Yeah! Give me some Friendster stories. And hear them the first times. Walter, are you on Friendster? Ooh, add me!
Okay, I'll make a deal with you, man. We come up with a name for the company, and I'll build a website. Like, the best of all the websites. You bet Friendster's already taken. I bet semantics is available. Just scoop that one up. Okay, item number one for next meeting will be name brainstorming. Are you sure we already settled on semantics? I don't know, guys. That's really close to what my name is.
Unintentional. Oh, what a coincidence, right. No, lady. What a lucky lady I am.
Brainstorm names. Website. Chris. Fuck, I typed Chris. Ah, you can just copy and paste that. Guys, I'm just so glad that we did waste my time. Change the face of business. Both, I guess. Both, you guys. So yeah, make sure to brainstorm names for next week. Name storm. Right, good job, Chris. Optimization. I like it.
Seriously, Walter, add me. We can play Coinbinder. Is that a Friendster game? We'll be born, buddy. Is that a Friendster game?
Voila! We are friends. Come over to my main bar. We'll share corn. So, are we done? Is this the meeting now? Yeah, yeah. Good meeting, everyone. Love you, guys.
How do you plant yourself the seed of yourself, Sam? Sam! |
TheOnion | Tampa_Bay_Gay_Prostitutes_Gearing_Up_For_Flood_Of_Closeted_Republicans | Now it's turned back to the Republican National Convention, which is set to start Monday all week long. We've been talking to Republican strategist, Marie Byron, who has all the details about this important event.
Hi, Andrea. Hi there, Marie.
Now all of Tampa Bay is gearing up for the convention, but I understand no one's more excited than the area's gay prostitutes who are expecting record numbers of clients. That's right, Andrea. This convention means increased sales for hotels, restaurants, and of course, the men who provide anonymous gay sex. All right. How much money will all those closeted Republican convention goers bring into the city, Marie? A lot. The average Tampa area prostitute normally makes around $200 to $300 a week jerking off truck drivers behind the bus station. I see. Next week, they are expecting to make about 30 times that amount, sucking off secretly gay Republicans. Wow. So the convention goers will be slipping out of prayer breakfast and Mike Huckabee speeches all week long to go trawl Tampa's sex streets. And all those tricks add up. They sure do. Then you figure the fact that these delegates are so repressed and filled with self-hatred, they tend to like the filthiest, kinkiest sex acts imaginable, which tends to cost more.
Right. On this chart, I see fecal play, choking. The average well-adjusted gay man has no desire to smear fecal matter all over his partner's face or be beat up by him, but that is exactly the sort of thing that these repressed conservatives are willing to pay top dollar for. Okay.
As well as the services of transsexuals, I understand, the shemale prostitutes in Tampa, well, they've already begun to wear Republican t-shirts and pins to signal they're ready to cater to the GOP. No one loves a hooker with a dick under her dress more than a closeted Republican.
No one.
Well, let's talk about South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham.
We obtained a copy of his schedule here, Marie, and you can see- Right. You can see he has left two-hour blocks of time, which we assume is for getting his balls drained by a tranny named Sean Joel Mercedes. Yes. Well, we spoke to Tampa gay prostitutes earlier today. Let's take a look. Please.
I'm gonna fuck all of these old fatty boys, then I'm gonna go get some Tina and party. I was hoping to make some money and maybe buy a plane ticket to see my aunt down in Houston. Go, Mitt Romney. It sounds like they're really looking forward to it. Yes, but it will also be exhausting.
A lot of the Republicans repeatedly call the prostitutes faggots or start crying after they've had sex with them. True. I suppose the prostitutes are shoring up on their politics so they can talk to the Republicans. Ha ha, Andrea. What do you think this is? Pretty woman? They're just there to get fucked. Right.
Thank you, Marie Byron. RNC's always a good time. Good to see you as always. Moving on, Ron Paul received an important endorsement just in time for the RNC from Big Sandy, the horse who can do math. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_ramada_sisters_saturday_night_live | Everyone knows Paris and Nikki Hilton, the jet-setting heiresses to the Hilton Hotel Fortune, but they're not the only set of hotel sister socialites out there. Here with the latest gossip are Ripple and Delorean Ramada, The Ramada Sisters. hey, Jimmy Fallon. So ladies, how is everything? Oh, you know how it is, being young and being red hot, being related by marriage to a partial owner of a reasonably priced chain of motels and conference centers. right, so do you guys ever hang out with the Hilton Sisters? you know, it's funny you mention that, Tina, because there are a lot of similarities. yeah, like they live in the Waldorf Astoria. and we live in the Ramada Inn at the Newark Airport. Ok, so the word is that you guys went to the party at 8 and 1.5 for the premiere of the new Pt. Anderson movie Punch Drunk Love. any good gossip from that? I don't know what any of those things are. but you know, we did attend the premiere of Wayne Corret's new Toyota dealership in Nutley, and it was divine. he is cutting prices to the bone, Tina. Ok, so any news there? you know how it is, Tina. anyone who was, anyone was there.
I mean all the biggies. Anyways, it sucked. So I found Keach, and I was like, Keach, we are out of here. So Keach Hotwire's a loner from the lot. you know, we jet back to the Crib, which is to say, the motel room where we live. we were totally partying down, so we found some dude passed out in our jacuzzi. it turns out it was Dom Herrera. I'm not going to lie to you, Tina. we live pretty awesome lives, because we're the Ramada sisters. give me a recharge, bitch. shut up. Oh. yeah. Oh, I think this is turned. rippling delory. rippling delory, rippling delory, rippling delory. |
dropout | bartenders_try_to_make_drinks_out_of_mashed_potatoes | Tonight, three expert mixologists compete to make delicious drinks out of ingredients that should not be in delicious drinks. Welcome to top epic best bartender face-off challenge of steel. Let's meet our competitors. And the judges who will name one of them winner. Let's get this challenge started.
Oh, Jesus! What the fuck are you thinking?
Okay, it's fine. It's fine.
We have 10 minutes to make three different drinks, each using a different one of these ingredients. Peanut butter, barbecue sauce, and mashed potatoes.
Time starts now. Go! I like peanut butter. I'm not in this context. Oh, context. I mean, my dog and I have a lot of fun with peanut butter on Friday night. Let me tell you what.
Look at this guy over here. What's he doing? He's juggling right here. This guy's in search of some eggs.
I know. Look at his smile. So, do you think if I just started shouting at him and throw him off their game? He's like, ha! Okay! Honestly, can I just say this and I'll say it once. Those look delicious. I'll tell you, the first time I had a drink, I said, Hey, Mr. Bartender, give me a beer.
That's not a story.
The other day I walked to the grocery store and purchased some bananas. I am mocking you!
Two days Friday and every hour is happy. That's the end, too. It's true.
Does it make sense from a time perspective? From a calendar perspective?
Five, four, three, two, one. Glasses down. Hands on the table. Drinks have been completed.
Judges, tell us your thoughts. Lisa Marie, from Judge No. 1, you have a 2. From Judge 2, you have a 26. From Judge No. 3, you have the color blue, a wine bottle, and a smiley face.
Hey, all right. Our mixologist, Andy, what are your thoughts? You guys have really got to step up your mashed potatoes game. Delish, delish, delish, delish. Look at his! Andy, that leaves you with a total of 26. Ben, judges, what do you think? Frankly, I am amazed that you guys couldn't nail the mashed potato cocktail because that's what I was looking forward to most. Now, you did a pretty good job with peanut butter.
Thank you. Well, first of all, I want to say it's delicious. Thank you. Perfect score from Judge No. 2. Okay. More drawings. Hilarious. Despite all this, Ben, you got the top score. Yay! Yes! All right, Ben, here you go.
That is every ingredient that you used today in a bag. Gross. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_jolly_trolly_allows_underage_drinking_snl | Here you go, fellas. Two Pbrs. hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. are you guys 21? I'm just messing with you guys. Oh my God, man! I can't believe it. we're actually doing it. we're in a bar.
My brother was right. they never card here. it's the best. amazing. we should get everyone to come here after prom. most definitely. Hey, that's kinda weird. what? that table over there. those kids look really young. yeah, I guess. Oh, seriously, look at that table over there. Oh yeah, yeah. I guess they really don't card here. this is insane. those kids are 10 years old.
Dude, relax. they're just here to have a good time like us. Here you go, gangsters. two shots of tequila. Oh, we didn't order any shots. no, it's from the ladies over there. nice! Oh my God. thank you, ladies. whoa, whoa, careful, guys. they're gerbils. gerbils? yeah, it's the opposite of cougars.
Dude, I think we should get out of here. No, dude, it's great. I mean, the bouncer's kind of a dick, but I think we should stay. Listen, man, I done told you several times. came and started fighting in my bar.
Oh, don't give me that look. Okay, that's it, man. I can't take it. I'm leaving. fine, gosh, just a drag.
Attention, everyone. I'm Officer Williams. I'm gonna need to see everyone's Id. we have reason to suspect that this bar serves alcohol to minors. really, how ever did you get that idea? We had a man on the inside. nice work, detective.
Hello, I'm disgraced former New York Governor, Elliot Spitzer. Andre Trinkin is a big problem. maybe not as big as the whole Wall Street thing, but come on, it's something, right? Elliot Spitzer, coming back one issue at a time. |
dropout | hardly_working_butt_dial | I think if I were in Looper, like I think I would just kill myself right away, just like shoot myself in the head with a blunderbuss. Oh, hold on.
Murph's calling me. He's probably butt dialing you. You should pick up and talk to him with your butt. Okay. Hey, Murph's butt. Uh, how's your... Shut your mouth, you fucking bitch. Who is this? It's Murph's butt. You should ask him if he's pooping right now.
Here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna hang up the phone, and you're gonna pretend like everything's okay. Oh, but it's not. I'm coming for you. Goodnight, Em. I'm gonna go home and wash myself in the sink.
Hey Murph, what's up? What has cheeks but no smile? No Murph's butt.
I'm gonna fucking kill you. You shouldn't walk home alone, Emily. No ifs, ands, or buts. Us little baby, don't say your Murph's butt will slash you! Hey Emily, it's Josh.
Just wanted to know if we had a meeting tomorrow. I got an email, but I can't read.
You think I'm fucking mad? You think this is fucking funny? That was a sneeze, not a fork. You're fucking dead!
Josh? Murph's butt. Don't stop dialing me.
Ask him if he's pooping.
I'll save you. Listen to me, motherfucker! Hey, Emily! Hey, guys, quick poll. Homemade Gogurt, yay or nay? What do you want from me, motherfucker? For you to die. So on the go right now. Give me that.
No! I'm so sorry. This was all for you. I started talking to you and I got jealous. I thought...
Guys, shut up. Just kiss me one last time. Good night, my little monkey. Oh, that's fucking gross. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Too_Pissed_Emo_Gladys_25th_Home_in_the_Bahamas_December_26 | The date today is Boxing Day, as I'm sure you're aware. 26th of December. Pretty early in the morning too for you lot, pretty early for us. We're actually backstage here in the Batutah Turf Club, we're here for the races, getting an early start as you are, if you are listening to this as it's published. My name's Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, I'm joined today by editor-at-large, Errol Parker.
How are you Errol? Good mate, good mate. Had a good Christmas mate, I just had to spend it by myself, I haven't really slept since last night. I got on it pretty hard, but yeah, no, it was good in the end. Wendell? Yeah, I'm alright.
I'm feeling a little bit sheepish after what I did at the In-Laws yesterday, so I'm pretty keen to just start ripping in again today and forget what I did. Common denominator here gentlemen is the alcohol. You guys, you'll see the light like I have, and you'll realise that actually Christmas is quite bearable. You know, these people are your loved ones. So from up here on my high horse, what's in the news today Wendell? Right Clancy, well I'll take that advice on maybe after New Year's Eve or something like that when we're all done with the festivities. We'll start off with a story that's a bit close to home for me this morning, and the headline is, even the nephews and nieces have noted how shamefully pissed you were yesterday. Yes, rinse and repeat, it happens every year doesn't it? Well maybe not to me, but um, as we are breaking in the paper today, the nephews have noted, or are about to notice that you are very very tender this morning. Yes, that's because you got over excited and did a number on yourself last night because you are an idiot and allowed access to an endless supply of full eskies and dark spirits to take you down a path usually reserved for a Saturday night when you were shielded by the safety net of your mates and the pub walls, however, Christmas Day is always different. Up on your high horse again Clancy, righto, well let's move on from that story.
And down in Sydney, and down in Sydney yesterday, Emo Gladys briefly exits bedroom to sneak a plate of potato bake during family Christmas. Yes, she's back in the headlines again after causing her family to sigh and shake their heads when she slunk out of her room yesterday between renditions of Fallout Boy and Simple Plan to sneak a bit of Christmas food off the table. Of course, Emo Gladys has been in a really foul mood at her family and the world after everyone continued to hassle her about all this corruption shit, which isn't anyone's business she says. Yes, apparently she told her mum to fuck off after the family pleaded with Gladys to stay out and enjoy the Christmas lunch and say hello to her relatives, including grandma who won't be around for much longer. Must have really upset grandma and grandpa to see Gladys behaving like that.
Another family story now, but one from here in Batuta, and Big Shot Uncle ruins Christmas by gifting his kids a present outside of every other uncle's price range. Yeah, this was a shame. The cashed up uncle from the city turned up to a Batuta Ponds family Christmas yesterday and decided to lavish all of his nieces and nephews with expensive gifts. I believe the indigenous community would refer to that as a shame job and it went down particularly well with his kids and that's about it. Not so well with the adults who were feeling pretty frustrated about that gift from Uncle Phil who topped even the presents from Santa this year.
I don't know what it was, it could have been a bloody PS5 for all we fucking know, but he's that kind of boy. Nintendo Switch overcompensating for something I think. To tell you what, that's part of the reason why I have to spend my Christmases alone.
My bloody wife's brother was one of them Big Shot Uncles and I fucking chinned him. Fucking chinned him on Christmas Eve.
I remember hearing about that. I picked you up. Yeah. Your missus called me. That was it. That was curtains. That was a traumatic experience for your kids. They could definitely of an age where they would remember that. Anyway, what else have we got in the news here?
We got a story about Dad now and that had set you back 20 bucks in the city says Dad as he makes up a homemade cocktail. Yes, a local Batuta Heights dad was in a real mood we confirmed. With his family coming around today, he was ripping in nice and early and decided to make the kids some cocktails or what he calls cocktails to get the kids feeling up and about or as chirpy as he was anyway. And while he was tipping some of the Bundaberg ginger beer into one of the dark spirits he had in the cupboard and garnished with a very poorly cut slice of lime, he told the kids that his cocktail would set him back $20 redos in the city.
At least. Maybe during happy hour, probably $25.30 he reckoned. Now we'll finish up with an international story and it is about a Love Actually producer buying his 25th home in the Bahamas. Errol, you wrote this one. Yes, forget Bitcoin a couple years ago or property in the turn of the century or getting into companies like PayPal and eBay before they all exploded. This could be the greatest investment of all time. Love Actually producer and guy who loves Christmas more than Jesus himself, Duncan Kenworthy, has today finalised a deal for his 25th house in the Bahamas.
With another Christmas rolling around, the man behind the smash hit movie has watched the cash roll in once more as the Evergreen film just keeps on printing the cold hard green plastic stuff. I'll tell you what though, why can't Australia make movies like this? I mean we're always making movies about people getting cut up, people getting crammed into barrels in South Australia. There is one Errol, there is one.
Moody Christmas. Moody Christmas, that's a good one.
Very working class. But like, we used to make movies like Cracker Jack, The Dish, and now we just make things about human misery, about fucking dogs in WA. Heroine. PC culture mate, I blame PC culture for all of our woes.
I just want to see one more Two Hands before I die. I agree with you Errol, I don't know why these movies need to make us so sad. I don't know why Two Hands needed to have the zombie character, but anyway.
It was his brother you fucking idiot. I get it, he didn't need to be in the film, he definitely didn't need to be in the film. Was it a metaphor for him trying to fight the badness within himself? Didn't need him. The ying yang metaphor was good enough on the arm, that was it. You can fucking tell that you didn't fucking go to year 12 in fucking Queensland, I'll tell you that much Clancy.
Righto, let's go and sort this out over a beer and then try and pick a winner today at the races. Hoorah! See you later! Mwahahaha! |
dropout | hardly_working_what_every_prank_show_basically_is | What the butt? My desk is backwards. Girl, girl.
Emily, Emily Ashford, you rock clowned out. Check it. Emily, Emily, we got a little tradition here on clowned out. Go to the camera and say, my name's Emily Ashford and I got clowned out. My name's Emily Ashford and I got clowned out.
Okay, another tradition, another tradition, gotta do it with a sombrero. Okay, here we go.
My name is Emily Ashford and I got clowned out. Go, that's it and honk the nose. My name's Emily Ashford and I got clowned out. Okay, okay, now say it to that guy stealing candy. My name's Emily Ashford, I got clowned out. All right, Emily, now go tell that guy who just lost his candy. I'm Emily Ashford, I got clowned out.
Honk the nose. You idiot. Okay, okay, leave some billboard that says, I got clowned out.
Okay. Now, I want you to meditate and concentrate until you truly realize that you got clowned out. Okay.
Yeah, I got clowned out. Yeah, you did! Okay, all right girl, call up your dad and let him know, daddy, I got clowned out. Hey mom, is that there? Dad, hi. Yeah, I got clowned out, yeah.
Emily, I want you to do it forward, tumble, smell the flower, shoot the mailman, then jump up and say it in Spanish. You got it.
Oh! Oh my god. Is he okay? Aha! |
TheOnion | Should_Belichick_Miss_The_Birth_Of_His_Demon_Spawn_To_Coach_Game | Drip, drip, drip, you're listening to The Morning Sweat, and today we're talking about Bill Belichick's decision to miss the expected birth of his second demon spawn in order to coach Sunday's game against the Falcons. Now as you all know, I am a very single man, but I can't imagine I'd choose to attend a football game instead of the hospital room to see my satanic offspring burst out of its dying mother. I know, this is a big prime-time game, but Bill, you only get one chance to hear your satanic seeds first piercing infernal shrieks as it latches onto the ceiling and spits acidic mucus in all directions. Sure, you'll always have the hospital security footage of your little demon breaking loose and disemboweling everyone in its path, but that's just not the same. I mean, this isn't even a playoff game we're talking about skipping. All I'm saying is that one day you're going to have to look into your spawn's glowing yellow eyes and explain why you weren't there when it spread its wings and flew off into the night sky with the decapitated head of your OBGYN. Alright, coming up, is it time for the Chargers to get a dog? Okay, I'd like to get this off my sweaty chest.
There is no way the Alabama swimming and diving team could beat the Cleveland Browns swimming and diving team. I mean, every year some idiot comes on this show and says Bama could beat the Browns on the high dive. Look, I know how dominant Alabama is and we all know the struggles the Browns have had in the pool this year. They were absolutely dreadful in the freestyle relay against the Cowboys swim team last weekend, but the Browns are still pro swimmers. No way they're losing to a bunch of amateurs, give me a break. Alright, coming up, we'll talk to Marshawn Lynch about Raiders owner Mark Davis' controversial decision to give the entire team haircuts like his. |
dropout | hardly_working_brotherhood_of_the_traveling_pants | And then they just gave me the cat for free.
I tell you guys, these pants are lucky. Thank God we're all size 31 waist, right? All right, who gets them this week? Because I have a very hot date Wednesday at noon. So I need to get them. What are you talking about? The jeans. I heard what you said. They're lucky. I want in.
I don't know a street man. They're not really your style. What do you mean they're jeans? Yes, they are jeans. But maybe you want one with a different cut.
I don't know. Why are you guys being like this? Why are you being so weird? I want in, OK? You trying to say something? No.
OK, fine here. Thank you. Cool. This is going to be a good week.
Dude, are you OK? You passed out. The pants cut off circulation to your head. What are you guys talking about?
Those pants are lucky. They're lucky for us because they fit us. Sweetheart, nothing good happened to you this week. That's not true. I'm at a cop. Listen, man, you're just too big for these pants. We're not trying to be mean. They just don't fit you, like, at all.
You guys think I didn't know that? I was trying to teach you a lesson about honesty. You see, when you're friends with someone, you owe it to them to be honest, even if it hurts their feelings a little, which it definitely didn't. Wow, you're right. We're wrong, man. We're sorry. You really showed us.
I sure did. They said I was too fat to wear their pants, even though they totally fit me. And you could only see the top of my dick, not even the whole thing.
Uh-huh, and you said you want a triple pepperoni with that? Yeah, three times the normal amount of pepperoni. Oh, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke. I'll pay extra if you have to stop at a gas station or something. |
dropout | insecure_martin_luther_king_jr_ch_shorts | Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty, we are free at last.
Do you want to sit down? Let's get you a chair. Would you like some water? Would you like to be left alone?
We can't imagine what it's like to process such a moment. What was that? What do you mean?
I died out there. It was a flop, I blew it, pooped the bed, fell flat, withered on the vine, went up in smoke, missed the mark, fell big time. I sucked.
Dr. King, it's perfectly normal to second-guess yourself once you leave the stage, but trust me, that was the greatest speech anyone has ever heard. No, no, no. Nobody wants to hear about my dreams. I beg to differ. You think they marched all day to listen to me drone on about children holding hands? That literally could not have gone better. Were you even listening out there? I used the words free at last like three times in a row. I thought that was on purpose. Oh, I just couldn't remember my next line. Isn't free at last an old Negro spiritual? So now I plagiarize too? Oh, maybe nobody caught that part.
It left an impression on me. You see? But in a good way. Oh, you have to say that. You know how many sentences I started with I have a dream? I have a vision. I have a fantasy. I have a mental picture. Any of those could have worked.
No wonder that old lady was frowning in the front row. She was weeping uncontrollably. So I made an old lady cry, Lord have mercy, I'm a fraud.
I should go back to school. You have a doctorate. In theology, I should have tried to be a real doctor. They help people. There are thousands of people out there giving you a thunder innovation. Really? You don't think it was too religious? You're a preacher. I should have done my characters. No, absolutely not.
No one should ever know about your characters. Come on, Marilyn. How come you don't want nobody to know about old Marvin?
This is just so uncomfortable. Is it because I am a morbidly obese tollbooth operator? Uh oh, I'm stuck in the tollbooth again.
As charming as Marvin Luther King is, let's just say he's ahead of the times. Maybe. I just like doing the voice. I should be doing more voices. Like that young fledgling comedian, Bill Cosby. You are not Bill Cosby. No kidding. Bill Cosby gets laughs. Are you going for laughs? Am I going for... are you... Listen to this.
America has given the Negro people a bad check. A check that has come back marked insufficient funds.
How do I... how do I even... Nobody gets my humor. It's very dry.
Not everything has to be broad. You are the greatest orator of our generation. My dad was right. No matter what I do, I'll always be Junior. You got a quarter of a million people to show up for this. You're right. I'm ruined. Maybe the media won't pick it up. |
dropout | if_political_discussions_with_your_family_were_like_presidential_debates | Welcome back to the national debate between you and your family. Ah shit. Joining us this evening, your Republican dad, your mom who does no research, your sister who is a sophomore at a liberal arts college, and you who absolutely does not want to be in the middle of this. Hello, um, I just got off a plane and visiting home makes me very tired.
So do you still like Obama? Excuse me Republican father, I will be asking the questions, thank you very much. So, do you still like Obama?
Uh, how are you guys? Let's try and stay on topic, please. What are you doing?
Obama's the worst president ever. Oh, I don't know if that's true. Mom who does no research care to chime in. Only one worse would be Hillary. She's a liar.
Here's an idea. What if we didn't talk about politics? I like to say something. Please, sister from a liberal arts college, get in there. Rachel, what if we didn't feel the fire, you know? Okay, it's my turn to talk.
Uh, in psych 101 we learned about psychology and I think Trump is a total maniac. Rebuttal? I'm not saying that I love Trump, but there is no way that I don't vote Republican. Okay, he's definitely Hitler reborn. Take a history class. Ever heard of it, dad?
Uninformed mom. What is your opinion of Hillary Clinton's marriage? I don't appreciate how she let her husband cheat on her. Really, mom? What's for dinner? feminist theory clearly says that women should not be held responsible for their husband's actions. And Bill was a pig. If she can't manage her husband, how can she manage a country?
I know I'm hungry. Okay, so Trump then has a lot of practice because he's had three wives. He's just a winner. Right. What about that fondue place? I can eat that. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's go. I'll drive. Let's stay on topic, please. Where's your family, guy? I'm just gonna not talk to them until November. Republican dad. Okay, well I'm gonna eat.
What about these Hillary Clinton emails? If I had done anything close to that, guess where I'd be? Jail. That's what I'm talking about. Lock her up. No one cares about her emails, guys. And Trump is an actual criminal.
But at least he's got Pence. And Pence's conversion therapy for gays is a really great idea.
Wow! How am I related to you, monsters? You're fucking adopted. What? You're adopted. Am I adopted?
We're just talking. Just like Hillary talks to Goldman Sachs. And gets paid hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Okay. Uh, work's been good. Uh, and I'm also actually dating a girl.
You just went way over. Now, mom, what do you think about Hillary Clinton's emails? This perfectly sums it up. Oh, god. There's no way I'm not gonna do it. Fuck me, mom!
Hi, I'm Cynthia from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff.
And now for a white breakdown. Star wipe. Diamond wipe. The nation wipe. Iris. |
dropout | nicolas_cage_awards | My lawless years were behind me. Our child rearing years lay ahead. Nicolas Cage, Moonstruck.
I lost my hand! I lost my pride!
Nicolas Cage, Con Air. I got a present for you, Casey. And the award goes to... Nicolas Cage. Best Master Thief forced out of retirement to pull the biggest heist of his career to protect his family. The nominees are... Nicolas Cage, Stolen. I want my share. Of the ten million dollars, I was gonna change our lives. There is no cash. Nicolas Cage, National Treasure 2. I'm gonna kidnap the President of the United States. Nicolas Cage, Gone in 60 Seconds. I'm retired. Who the hell is my brother? And now, greatest villain in a Nicolas Cage movie. The nominees are...
Best Batchet Bonkers Bug-Eyed Freak-Out. The nominees are...
Nicolas Cage, Deadfall. Nicolas Cage, Bad Lieutenant. Nicolas Cage, The Wicker Man.
How did you burn?
I don't know! Nicolas Cage, Vampire's Kiss. You've been doing it! That's what I think! And now we come to our final award of the night. My favorite category.
Oh, the worst art! What's going on? |
cracked | 13_facts_about_space_that_will_make_your_head_explode | For thousands of years, humans were terrified of and fascinated by their feared yellow sun god. In reality, our sun is, yes, a god, obviously, but not yellow, or orange, or white. It burns a green-blue color, but the Earth's atmosphere scatters certain color wavelengths, making the sun appear yellow, or white, or orange. This wavelength scattering is also what makes the sky appear blue, and children sing. Once created in the sun's core, the light takes 30,000 years to reach the surface, and then eight minutes to reach us on Earth. So you are always seeing the sun eight minutes in the past, and the sunlight is older than some people think the Earth is.
But our enormous blue-green sun god is only one of literally billions of other stars in our galaxy, let alone the septillion of stars in the hundreds of billions of galaxies in the observable universe. But let's just focus on our own galaxy. Red dwarfs are the most plentiful type of star in the galaxy, and yet they're too dim to see in the night sky. The stars we do see are the biggest and brightest the Milky Way has to offer, the ones who go to Harvard and get football scholarships. For example, picking one at random, here's G2V, an average-sized star, but about 85% brighter than the other stars in its galaxy. Oh, f**k, that's our sign. Okay, so aside from our sun god, the closest star to Earth is Alpha Centauri, which is actually three stars. In fact, about 50% of all stars in the galaxy are part of multi-star systems, just like science fiction talking. Let's pick another at random, even though clearly we picked these ahead of time.
H.R. 2061, a red supergiant that is commonly known as Betelgeuse. So large that if it were our own sun, it would engulf the Earth and extend past the asteroid belt. The ninth brightest star in the night sky, Betelgeuse, is primed to go supernova at any moment, today or one million years from today. Though it's 640 light years away, which means that what we see actually happened 640 years in the past. If we see Betelgeuse light up today, it means that it actually went supernova in the 14th century, and we just couldn't see it yet. And what will it look like? Well, in 1054, a supernova, SN1054, went supernova, and was recorded by Chinese astronomers as a bright light that shone in the sky for about two years. It then coalesced into a nebula of gas and dust that we now call the Crab Nebula, because it totally looks like a crab, and not at all like an amorphous blob of gas and dust.
And that's just six stars, each incredible in their own way, each brimming with possibility. You know, hydrogen stuff. Six. Six out of three hundred billion. Some are just like our sun god, some are one one hundredth the size of Milwaukee, and some are almost too big to imagine. For example, VY Canis Majoris is so big that it would engulf our sun and all the planets up to Saturn, which incidentally has such a low density that it would float in water. So the next time your younger sibling is drowning, throw Saturn. Thank you. |
dropout | good_looks_bad_breath_sponsored | I'm Mike. And I'm Eugene. And our friends, Heather and Garrett, are going to be joining us today. Yeah, because we're doing a scientific experiment. We put earbuds in their ears, going to talk to them in microphones, tell them what to do. We watch them on these monitors. See what happens when people with bad breath talk to people in a bar and do weird things to them. On this week's Will It Kill It! So, we are here in the booth and we have Heather and Garrett in the bar. Okay, uh, Garrett, you hear us?
Yeah. Take a bite of that food. Wipe that off because that was in Tim's clothing. Uh, Heather, you all ready? I'm ready. That's sardines and, uh, sauerkraut. I wouldn't want to eat that. Let Tim smell your breath. All right, now, uh, now blow your stanky breath. How's it smell? And go ahead and head in there. Make sure you listen to us throughout the bar.
Say, I'm the best. I'm the best! Hi!
Say, shut up. Shut up. And then walk away.
Is there, um, a more beautiful sound? A more beautiful sound?
Than an owl. And do a super low owl. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Most likely. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah.
Tell Ben that he has something on his chin and try to blow it off. You have something on your chin here, too. Oh, no, that's hair. That's cute. Oh, that's hair. That's hair.
Hey, you're my wife's Lamaze teacher. See, I was practicing the other day with her and I was like, I think I've been practicing my Lamaze. You are that Lamaze teacher, right? I'm not pregnant, but I've been practicing Lamaze. No, I'm not pregnant. I just do Lamaze.
I actually have the best. Go to the best. I'm the best. Mr. Best.
Hey, do you want to hear my world champion owl impression? Do you want to hear my world champion owl impression?
Go, who, who, but really like flat like that. Who, who. One more time. One more time, Mr. Who, who, who.
See, this is my impression of an oscillating fan. This is my impression of an oscillating fan. Tell me if this is the correct technique. We're playing a flute. See, this is my impression of a boiler. And then make a lot of like clicking noises.
Just kidding. That was a sick robot. Just kidding. That was a sick robot. She died, but that's just a shame.
Thank you for helping us out today. Here's a Listerine Pocket Pack to help refresh your breath. Heather, what did you learn today? I learned that I make a great owl. And what did you learn today, Garrett?
Everyone needs help with bad breath, even Mr. Best. And I'll make an oscillating fan noise. I'm not saying Mr. Best. Mr. Best.
This has been Will It. Kill it. |
cracked | ded_talks_why_christopher_columbus_was_history_s_biggest_dick | The Chinese symbol for crisis also means opportunity, because they don't have the kind of language discipline that we do.
And I should know, because I sailed west from Europe directly to India, the cradle of Chinese civilization where I got to say, konnichiwa, for the first time, to Indians. And we know they're called Indians, because that's what I called them, right? That's a plate, that's a globe, those are Indians, okay, and we all accept that, and that's fine.
Now I don't know what the Chinese symbol for mistake is, probably more stupid squiggly lines, but I do know the Chinese and Viking and Polynesian reaction to a so-called mistake. They hit the, quote, wrong landmass and got in their boats, turned them around, and went home, because they used old world thinking. They didn't see the mistake of tunity right in front of them, and that's why there's no such thing as Leif Erikson down.
I don't make mistakes anymore, because I learned early on that every step an innovator takes is a win, or a step towards a win. And if you say, that's not how life works, I say, look at my story. It wasn't easy starting out.
In a groundbreaking disruption of traditional crowdfunding models, I asked Europe's richest monarchs to hand me ships and gold several times until they did. They did that, because I asked, I, okay, me, Columbus.
Now let's say you, a professional sailor, pile into your relatively tiny ships and miscalculate the distance to what you wrongly think is Japan, even though people have been calculating the circumference of the earth pretty well for centuries using sticks in the ground and shadows and math. And hey, yeah, maybe you're counting on gold and spices by the barrel full, and instead you arrive to find nothing but a chain of islands full of tomatoes and heathens. Let's say you realize Isabella is going to break your legs, so you try to make your money back by enslaving everyone, but everyone you try to enslave is a real dick about it. Some people would call these setbacks, mistakes, crimes against humanity, whatever that is. I call it my lesson to you. When plans need to change, don't double down on your fuck ups without second thought or apology. Saying that you're not in Asia, insist that you are. Gold mining, not working out for you, branch out into gold taking, okay? Indians opting out of enslavement or insisting that they do, in fact, understand the concept of personal property, chop off people's hands, cut off people's noses and hands unless they give you silver, right?
It's this kind of outside the box oppression that put me where I am today, which is, Boston? When Boston? Phoenix! Feels like a Boston. We're in Phoenix! Whatever, call it Boston.
The point is, there is no limit to the power of New World thinking.
Example, let's say I brought a bunch of Indians back to Europe to show off, and most of them died on the boat right over, because that's true. I did that, that happened. Just say that you only meant to bring six in the first place.
But don't forget the oldest tools, like data. Data showed me that my customers wanted New World sex slaves, and I heard them. Now, the humble startup that I thought would become little more than the world's first direct overseas trade route with the Orient is serving to fill that demand every day. Oh, and religious oppression, that helps too.
How could I forget?
In closing, call me a dreamer, but I am just so thrilled when I look at our next generation of explorers. You know, as proud as I am of my Admiralty, my Viceroy ship, the global fame that will one day warrant a three-day weekend celebrated in my honor for schoolchildren and government workers, but not the private sector, I'm even prouder of being a dad to my son, Diego Columbus. When I first arrived in China, India, America, working title, Diego was just a teenager. And I know people love to bag on the half-millennials these days, but Diego has built on my work with the Indians, helping to found a triangular trade route that represents the world's first multinational process streamlining the transatlantic free labor market, insourcing African workers to unpaid intern opportunities here in the new world.
The kid's such a go-getter, he's made my Indians obsolete. He's like smallpox, this kid.
Even as the new century dawns, the futuristic year, 1500, where's my jetpack, right? New world thinking does face some challenges. Just look at syphilis, a disease I am now credited with personally bringing back to Europe from the new world.
I know, okay, that one was my B, guys, that's Columbus's B. But if we go around regretting our mistakes and cockworts, then we'll have to actually regret them, and that would suck. So let's not let other people tell us what's right and wrong, or what growths on our genitals we do or don't want, or what race of people we may or may not have been an integral part of wiping out. Am I right? Because the people who call these mistakes don't realize that it's the mistake-makers who mismake history.
Thank you. Thank you, yes. Someone of history's greatest monsters. Celebrate me, yes. Thank you, Boston. Do you call it Columbus Town Hall? Yeah, all right, thank you. Good night. Thank you very much.
USA!
Hey, thanks for watching the video. I hope you share this with your friends, and they share it with their friends, and so on and so on, and we get a real virus of a content going. So please subscribe.
And then click the like button if that's there, or your current platform and time period's equivalent of a like button. It's a thumb up, or like an A-OK, or just the word yes. Click that. And then in the comments, just let us know what you did today. However mundane, I promise you at least a person will be mildly interested.
I don't make mistakes anymore, because I learned early on that every step an innovator takes is a win, or a step towards a win. And if you say, that's not how life works, I say, look at my story. It wasn't easy starting out.
In a groundbreaking disruption of traditional crowdfunding models, I asked Europe's richest monarchs to hand me ships and gold several times until they did. They did that, because I asked, I, OK, me, Columbus. Now let's say you, a professional sailor, pile into your relatively tiny ships and miscalculate the distance to what you wrongly think is Japan, even though people have been calculating the circumference of the earth pretty well for centuries using sticks in the ground and shadows and math. And hey, yeah, maybe you're counting on gold and spices by the barrel full, and instead you arrive to find nothing but a chain of islands full of tomatoes and heathens.
Let's say you realize Isabella is going to break your legs, so you try to make your money back by enslaving everyone. But everyone you try to enslave is a real dick about it. Some people would call these setbacks mistakes, crimes against humanity, whatever that is. I call it my lesson to you. When plans need to change, don't double down on your fuckups without second thought or apology.
People saying that you're not in Asia insist that you are. Gold mining not working out for you, branch out into gold taking, OK? Indians opting out of enslavement or insisting that they do, in fact, understand the concept of personal property, chop off people's hands, cut off people's noses and hands unless they give you silver, right?
It's this kind of outside-the-box oppression that put me where I am today, which is Boston? We in Boston? Phoenix. Feels like a Boston. We're in Phoenix. Whatever. Call it Boston.
The point is, there is no limit to the power of New World thinking.
Example. Let's say I brought a bunch of Indians back to Europe to show off and most of them died on the boat right over. Because that's true. I did that. That happened. Just say that you only meant to bring six in the first place.
But don't forget the oldest tools, like data. Data showed me that my customers wanted New World sex slaves. And I heard them. Now the humble startup that I thought would become little more than the world's first direct overseas trade route with the Orient is serving to fill that demand every day. Oh, and religious oppression. That helps too.
How could I forget?
In closing, call me a dreamer, but I am just so thrilled when I look at our next generation of explorers. You know, as proud as I am of my Admiralty, my Viceroy ship, the global fame that will one day warrant a three-day weekend celebrated in my honor for schoolchildren and government workers, but not the private sector, I'm even prouder of being a dad to my son, Diego Columbus. When I first arrived in China, India, America, working title, Diego was just a teenager and I know people love to bag on the half millennials these days, but Diego has built on my work with the Indians helping to found a triangular trade route that represents the world's first multinational process streamlining the transatlantic free labor market, insourcing African workers to unpaid intern opportunities here in the new world.
The kid's such a go-getter. He's made my Indians obsolete. He's like smallpox, this kid.
Even as the new century dawns, the futuristic year, 1500, where's my jet pack, right? New world thinking does face some challenges. Just look at syphilis, a disease I am now credited with personally bringing back to Europe from the new world.
I know. Okay. That one was my B guys.
That's Columbus's B. But if we go around regretting our mistakes and cockworts, then we'll have to actually regret them and that would suck. So let's not let other people tell us what's right and wrong or what growths on our genitals we do or don't want or what race of people we may or may not have been an integral part of wiping out. Am I right? Because the people who call these mistakes don't realize that it's the mistake makers who mismake history.
Thank you. Yes. I'm one of history's greatest monsters. Celebrate me. Yes. Thank you, Boston. Go Columbus town hall. Yeah. All right. Thank you. Good night. Thank you very much.
USA. I know who it is.
How dare you. Sir, I want your hands. Ugh.
Hey, thanks for watching the video. I hope you share this with your friends and they share it with their friends and so on and so on. And we get a real virus of a content going. So please subscribe.
And then click the like button if that's there or your current platform and time periods equivalent of a like button. It's a thumb up or like A-OK or just the word yes. Click that. And then in the comments, just let us know what you did today. However mundane, I promise you at least a person will be mildly interested. |
dropout | the_michael_showalter_showalter_with_mike_birbiglia | Hello, I'm Michael Showalter, and you're watching the Michael Showalter Showalter. Tonight on the show, stand-up comedian Mike Birbiglia. He's got a brand new CD out. It's called My Secret Public Journal Live, and he's here with us tonight to do some comedy.
Mike, how are you, buddy? Good, Michael. How are you doing?
Very good. Thanks for having me. I hear you have a girlfriend. Yes, I do. We live here, and we live in Manhattan. Yeah, very good. Things are very good. Holidays coming up and going to both houses.
Oh, man. Hey, Mark. Oh, hey. How you doing, man? How you doing? Good to meet you.
I've been doing this show, yeah. Hey, thanks for having me on. Yeah, thanks for having me on.
I'll just set you up for whatever the bits are, and then you do the bit, and then at the end or something, you just want to make a quick plug for it. You know what's so funny? A lot of times, the bits fall flat in the interview form. Really? Yeah, you'll do a bit, and it just doesn't play, because it doesn't have the mystique of the lights. Yeah, but I'm not going to be doing the bits. You'll be doing the bits. Right, right. But what I mean is if I did the bits...
Which I'm hoping you will. That's why you're here.
Actually, she has two cats, and I've always thought that the cats are gay, because they're always licking each other and spooning in the window and criticizing the way I dress. Oh, that's funny, because of the way you dress. And I don't think it's like a nature thing, like they're gay by birth. I think it's an environment thing, like they're prison gay, like they don't see any female cats ever, and after a while, it's just like, look, Tony, we ain't getting any younger, buddy. This might be the catnip talking, but I like the way your belly matches your paws. Oh, so cats are gay?
Because I just like talking. That's what I like to do. I just like comedy coming off... Exactly what I like to do. ...the moment of the conversation.
We're a complete... Yes, yes. If we trust it, then inevitably something good will happen. We're absolutely on 100% on the same page. Cool.
So what's your first joke?
Sports analogies. What do you have to say about that? There's a lot of sports analogies with drinking. I totally agree. Like pre-game.
Oh, I love that one. I actually wanted to talk today, more specifically, about the new projects I'm working on. Oh, okay.
I have a special that I just taped for Comedy Central. It's going to be premiering this winter.
Tell me about Panda Bears. What do you think about... What does Mike Brabiglia think about Panda Bears?
I can see that card. There's a note card right here that says, Panda Bears, you're clearly trying to set me up for jokes.
I actually wanted to just kind of have an interview where we talk about what I'm working on. I have a special coming out. It's airing on Comedy Central.
And maybe you could cut to a clip. I don't know if maybe you can't license that.
Oh, can I see your DGA card? Because I don't know you're directing the show now. I didn't know that. No, no, no. So you could just show me your DGA card. Is what you normally do. You tell the people who are doing the show how to do their show. I don't know. I apologize. Fine, if that's what you do. So just show me your DGA card. I don't want to apologize to everyone here. That's not indicative of what I do at all.
No, I know you're a stand-up comedian. No, I'll do jokes. No, I'll do the jokes. That's fine.
But I guess you're also the creator of my show. So this is my TV show, okay? This is my show.
This is great. Okay. I don't want you to look bad. Yeah. That was the last thing I would ever have. Oh, okay. I appreciate it. So I've got your back. I appreciate it. Let's do one of these. Yeah. And trust me, you're not comfortable at all. Yeah.
We're going to... See, we just start over.
Okay. What other... Yeah. Feel free to just adjust the chair there. Hey, buddy. Okay. I'm going to wrap this one up.
He has a brand new CD out now. It's called My Secret Public Journal Live, and you can buy it on iTunes or anywhere that CDs are available.
Join us next time. |
ClickHole | need_a_eulogy_this_man_has_you_covered | Hello. Thank you all for being here. I know the person who just died loved you all so much. Not only was this person a loving spouse, parent, and child, but a loyal friend and a dedicated member of the community. There are so many things that I'll never forget about this person.
Maybe I'll remember their smile. Maybe I'll remember their laugh. Maybe this person was sick. In which case, I'll never forget those times before they were sick. I remember this one time. Family members who are here, you'll know what I'm talking about. We were all hanging out together, and then he or she said such a funny thing. He or she was always saying funny things like that. I'm really going to miss him or her. Actually, you know what?
Whoever this was, their 0 to 116 years with us cannot be summed up in a single sheet of paper. If they died old, they never gave up. If they died young, they were so brave. If they were a murderer, disregard all this. But no matter what, like them, we should live without regret.
These past few days or weeks without them have not been easy. But if they were religious, I know that God, Yahweh, or Allah, or something else entirely, is smiling down on them right now. Thank you all again for coming. Like they always used to say, something inspirational and funny. |
SaturdayNightLive | shane_gillis_workshops_his_snl_monologue | Well, I'm from New York, and today I'm going to a place. ahh. oof. sorry, man. no, you're fine. are we interrupting? I was going to work on my monologue. actually, it's nice. can you guys check it out? Yeah. sure. okay. let's do it. All right, so I'm going to come out. I'll go Saturday. And then I went to an Amish wedding once. I was the only one there who could do the electric slide. Yeah. okay. all right. coming out, it's going to be bananas. headlights are getting brighter. politics? And then I do a little crowd work. like, are you guys dating? are you seeing each other? yeah.
God, must be nice. I've been alone for a while. How come dogs are the only ones that get cool names and not us too?
Relatable. yeah, relatable. who likes impressions? And the crowd will be like. And then I'm like, you guys ever see a horse? and it's like. and then that's pretty much it. that's about it. I'm about done with that monologue. great. I think it's right there. love it. thank you. and then it's like. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Peter_Garrett_Part_1 | Welcome back to the Attutor Advocate radio show. I had to do it. I'm sorry. It's alright mate. Peter, I had to do it. You're joined by myself Clancy Iverall and Wendell Hussey. Yep. And of course, if you didn't gather from my very cringe-worthy pun at the top, we're talking to Peter Garrett today.
Thank you for joining us. Pleasure, mate. Mates, good to be here. It's great to have you here. I would say great influence on this newspaper. I hope so. Yeah, you are. You are very much so.
Great influence on Australian rock music and, you know, you've had a storied career. You're back now on your second solo album. Yeah. See how I jerked that back before I started talking about politics. You're on your second solo studio album, True North, it's called.
What's the process like nowadays? Well, it's either going to happen or it isn't after all this time and you'd learn that maybe it won't and then you're in the wilderness for a while and it's all a bit dry and sometimes it does happen and you've got to grab it when it does. Did you have that, some people had different responses creatively to the pandemic. Were you one of the blocks or were you one of the streams? Yeah, so I was probably an outlier really in the pandemic.
I didn't quite get the jump onto line and start singing straight away and sharing everything with everyone. To save everyone, yes. I get that people needed to do it for their own mental health or emotional wellbeing, but it really wasn't for me. I felt a bit guilty at times because I thought at last, you know, I can actually stop and get a chance to do other stuff quietly, but then of course it started to take effect on people around me and then we entered into this phase where we were being quite tightly regulated. Part of me bridled at that, but part of me thought it was a good idea.
And it was both. Yeah, exactly. It was a pain in the ass. No, that's totally right.
If you look at the stats, we did brilliantly. We did really well. I mean, Trump murdered 10 million of his own If you get the scale of it or countries with populations like that. Yeah, wow. And we did very well.
But then of course it caught us, you know, sort of caught us because we snuck in and did a bit of playing in the middle of it, which we got away with, but it was a little expensive. And then both Rob Hurst and I got it. But of course it was the gig. We got it in Adelaide and of course we were playing in Darwin and all the gear had gone to Darwin. So that was a moe.
Darwin entering the territory during the pandemic was like going through customs, wasn't it? No question. Yeah, I remember that when we went to Alice Springs just back in 2020 and they were like, you have a harder time getting into America. One road in, one road out. Easier time getting into America. Yeah, one road in, one road out.
And they take it very seriously, as do Queensland. Queensland is, you know, love a dictator deep down and Anastasia was the one we needed at that time, according to all of those electorates in the Sunshine Coast of retired Nationals voters who just voted Labour because they enjoyed the idea of a corrugated Iron Curtain, some would say. Just arresting people trying to jump the border at Coolangatta there. Made every Queenslander feel good.
You mentioned about jumping online there, which is what a lot of people did in that couple of year period. They're still doing it. The lead single on this album, Perma Glow, is about that, about people spending time on screens and getting too caught up in it all. Tell us how you came to that. My own family.
No, I look, I might be late to the party, you know, in both senses. Like I'm late to the party in that, of course, I use my phone and I look at stuff you have to, but I don't spend my life on it. So I don't quite get it. And I'm not that fussed by people's opinions if I don't know them. That's how I've sort of seen it. So it's been a bit of a mystery game.
But then I realised that a lot of people were very locked in, so much so that they couldn't do anything without reference. The term is very online. We're seeing a lot of that.
Are you one of those dads, Peter, that will get on the, you'll sit on the couch and then get on the phone and maybe go for a scroll, have a look in some of the random Facebook groups he's in and then put the phone down and decide that's enough and talk to his daughters and go, hey, what's going on? Get off the phone. So let's have a conversation.
Slightly past that point, but yes, definitely I was that. Actually, I've been a hypocrite in your past. Yeah, exactly.
But yeah, look, I've never liked the look of Facebook. Like there's just something about it. I've never got it. I don't like it.
I think Zuckerberg's a creep. For the first time you heard that word Facebook, it was kind of creepy. Like the first time you ever heard that word Facebook.
And then it just kind of became a part of the landscape. Which we're pretty thankful for, obviously. No, we made our print run was doing perfectly well before the interns decided to make the online transition. You know, we could go back to the old days where everyone pays $2 each morning. Yeah, well, we'll try. Napster convinced a generation of kids that they don't need to pay for anything anymore.
I know. Yeah, tell me. I'm only too aware of that one.
You could bootleg cassettes back in the day, you realise? Remember? Oh, we've got another one. The little cassette system in the Western Suburbs, like, mate, we've got more coming up. Yeah, bootlegs. We were really happy to be bootlegged because I figure if someone goes to the trouble of bootlegging you back in the day, it was a physical thing.
They didn't have the money. You're absolutely right about Napster. I mean, the industry itself is completely busted and broken in some ways. That was only the beginning of the rot. Even though we've now got the Spotify's and what have you's, it's pretty hard for people. Billy Birmingham, the 12th man, told us that he was a household name in England without knowing because of bootleg cassettes.
I can believe it. Every time he meets cab drivers over there, they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never, I've never bought anything of yours, but I know. But I know you.
Please do the Bill Laurie voice. Come on. I'm gonna get old mate on the phone. Can you do it for me?
I did want to ask you about what it's like for current musicians or how you view it as being for current musicians at the moment. You guys didn't really get a lot of mainstream recognition when you were coming through. Radio stations actively weren't playing you, but you persevered by going to RSLs and pubs and bars all over the country. And there was an appetite for that. I could be wrong, but it doesn't seem like there's as much of an appetite for young political bands coming through now to do something like that without an online platform.
What do you reckon? Yeah, I think you're probably right, Wendell. I think that, you know, it's easy to be sort of 20, 20 vision, rear vision mirror, dose of nostalgia.
It was all good and it wasn't all good. But what it was was an opportunity to play your craft and learn how to do it night after night in front of an audience. And I still don't think there's much that beats that.
Yeah. And meeting your colleagues on the way. A bit of that. Your contemporaries. Yeah.
And it wasn't even the politics back in the day. I mean, I don't think anyone particularly if they were interested, they didn't say. And if they understood it, you wouldn't have known.
Yeah. I want to kind of go through that now because Paulie Bennett was in the studio the other day who's a movement coach for Elvis and The Crown. So she's kind of dealt with a lot of these themes of, you know, historical, political, art forms. Okay. That'd be interesting. Yeah.
Well, she kind of spent a lot of time on Elvis. And I didn't realize that Elvis is, it was so controversial that he was slightly political when he released If I Can Dream, which a lot of people saw the parallels to Martin Luther King was just after that.
Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. No, that's right. Very, very subtle. Yes.
And he ended up, of course, as you may have covered with her, but he ended up being a pretty right-wing redneck in his back end. Like he wasn't like Johnny Cash, you know? No, yeah, no, not a Christian anarchist like Johnny Cash. But, you know, Elvis had profound respect for Martin Luther King and that was how he communicated that. I would say Midnight Oil was perhaps a little less subtle than If I Can Dream.
Guilty on all counts. I've got to wear that. Do you feel like that was, it was unprecedented, you know, being... Oh, completely. You weren't insider or outsider, but you ended up being quite a mainstream sound in Australia. Yeah, eventually. As evident with the, you know, that riff that I started this podcast with, which is universal. Do you think you struck fear into a lot of people, the fact that there was kids screaming lyrics about asbestos and...
No, I don't think so. No, none of that.
I mean, you boys are too young to sort of really remember and share all the magic of it. But the truth of it is, as you did say, when we were yawning in the first part of it, it took us forever to actually get into that middle space. I mean, we weren't actually aiming for it, but it took a long time for that to happen. And prior to that, we would just play anywhere and everywhere. I mean, it wasn't even a formula.
It was like, where can we play? Is there a stage? Can we put on a show?
A lot of it back in the day was do it yourself, which I still look back on seriously fondly. Hard work, but well worth it. In fact, I've just come back, I've just played with the new young band, The Altars. We did Waitangi Day in New Zealand.
And of course, you know... Things are heated over there at the moment. A little, yeah. And I allocate myself basically between one and three war stories a day. That's the limit. Now, once you get to that point, I've got to zip it.
So of course, I had my one war story to the band. So we were driving through a part of town and I said, yeah, I remember when we first came here and they were like, oh, here we go, another war story. And I remember we did a run, we did a poster run down that street. They're going, really? You put your own posters up in New Zealand? I said, yeah. And then I remember we ran into a Maori gang and they chased us or whatever.
But it was do it yourself. We were just playing the songs. And honestly, we were just literally five guys in those days on a stage with a bunch of songs that we'd written, which we really believed in, some of which had political themes, some which didn't. And we were just up there tearing it up.
And it took a long time for that to mature, if you like, into something else. And to answer the question, which is really good, which is how did the industry come at midnight all if it found Elvis a bit hard going when he just mentioned a light on a hill or whatever it was?
The truth of it is that radio here in Australia did not play Beds Are Burning First. They didn't play it. The programmers said, look, some of them would have been to shows, they'd been down the front with the boys, you know, and they went, oh, it's probably a bit political for us. We got played in Europe and the States before we got played in Australia with Beds. And then it was reluctantly when they did.
Correct. Yeah. Right. And that's 1986? Four. Yeah. Like, we're 10 years into the career. Yeah.
What were the feelings like when the recognition did come? You feel more powerful than God that you were going to, you know, change this place into this, maybe could have even established some sort of self-determination for indigenous people, maybe?
Well, yeah, all of the above, but not.
Who did you put on skates the most? Who do you think had to respond to what you were singing about in real time?
Look, I think by the time we got to the Sydney Olympics in 2000 and did it up there with the Sorry suits, we were putting Howard and the government on the spot. He and the Governor General are the only two, the Governor General had to stand up, sit down, I beg your pardon, with Howard. So Mrs. Howard and Mr. Howard and the Governor General and the Governor General's wife are the only two people seated in the stadium amongst 80,000 people.
Yeah, that's true story. That's pretty powerful.
Were you looking up there at the time or? I didn't know. No, I was concentrating on what I was doing so I didn't stuff up. Didn't have a glance up to just see.
Actually, it's not quite right. I tend not to overthink what I'm doing and I don't like to think about it too much because it is a thing and it happens and given who I am and what I'm doing, would you really do that normally? Probably not.
But I had a moment when we got out there because the boys didn't have to play because they were worried about the wind coming through the stadium and blowing mics and things over. They were just strumming along quietly but they had a backstroke but I did have to sing live. So the pressure was on. But I just had a moment before I thought, okay, here we are.
I don't know what's going to happen now but I just want to try and remember this fact. Plus I never got to play footy in there or anything. This is my grand final.
Can I trouble you for a second war story, please? There's no limits in the studio. Traversing the country before the mainstream success and saying what you were saying and singing about what you were singing about. Were there any hairy run-ins? Were there a few?
How did it go with punters? Not so much with punters.
I mean, we've got our fair share of tales because we did such a lot of it. I mean, it wasn't just us. There were probably three or four bands that were really covering the case. But ourselves, Chisel and probably the Angels were the three that really like six nights a week, weekend and week out. And we'd bump into one another quite a lot but we'd always be on the go.
There was a Hell's Angels festival out. You want the stories, of course you're going to get them. There was a Hell's Angels festival which was held outside of Melbourne in a suburb called Broadford. And actually, the Hell's Angels were very well organized back then.
I don't know anything about them now. Did they still have a little bit of that post Hunter S. Thompson, Noble Savages?
Totally, absolutely. They weren't fully credited, paid up members of the Mafia. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, but they were still fearsome. And outlaws. Yeah.
And it was one of those gigs that you never forget for lots of different reasons. But one reason was that, and the guy who'd organized and the agent said, look, it's going to be fine and they'll take care of you and you're going to get paid. And we're like, don't really know that this is our crowd, but we would play anywhere.
So there we were, and we got up onto the stage and I looked down and I thought, my God, what's happened? And they'd put our cyclone fence along the front of the stage and they were all just up against it, having a pee and vomiting through it and nudging their mates and the jackets were over it with the colors on it. I thought, oh my God. It was quite a sight. And we came out afterwards and I said to, I said, I've got to go and have a piss after that. It was too much.
And I said, where's the dunny? There's no, you know, your little portaloos outside. I said, oh no, it's rolled down the hill. I said, what happened?
He said, well, one of you blokes got in there and you know, ball bearing came along and he got bored and he wanted to get in and he wouldn't let him in. So he just kicked it down the hill. The guitarist in some Melbourne band, you know, with his floral shirt was rolling down the hill. Not quite as colorful when he came out.
Not to be forgotten. Did you ever have that feeling where, I mean, I know in the Beds Are Burning video clip, you've got a couple of indigenous activists from Redfern who went on to, they feature in the clip and they went on to be quite prominent in Aboriginal media.
Yeah, Tiger Bales. Tiger Bales ended up in country music radio and he had this strategy where he would play country music to the Brisbane market and truck drivers would listen and everyone else would listen.
People who might have their views challenged by, you know, the information in between country music songs. And it appeared to be, and it still is to this day, you know, an effective model of kind of winning people over to their cause. Did you find you having a similar effect, you know, with the punters? All of a sudden they're learning about things or they're kind of, you know, experiencing different kind of ways of looking at things through your music? So the answer is not in the way that you'd think. So it wasn't the plan, but the result is utterly varied and it depends on eras, age, interest, whatever. So, I mean, you know, it's an incredible thing to have been in a band for that long. So to play to people when they were teenagers and then they were in their 20s and they're in their 30s and they're in their 50s. And people's thinking changes over time. It's really obvious. Some people get more into the issues and some people get less.
Yeah, yeah. So you found regardless of how, you know, loud they were singing along back then, they could turn 50 and start watching Sky News. Absolutely. Yeah, no question. And some do, you know. And I mean, it was interesting when we did, when we would campaign really strongly for the yes. And we did Maccarata. I mean, that was an album about the Uluru statement. We poured a lot into that and I thought it was really strong and we worked with, you know, our Indigenous brothers and sisters who just were incredible. And I would say that the fan base was maybe 50-50 there if that, you know. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
So it's an interesting argument about art and culture because I believe in it deeply. I think it's really important. You've got to tell your story, sing your songs, say what you think. But there's something deeper and bigger going on in people's lives normally. Culture and song and what they like to consume comes and goes. But there's that underlying kind of foundational zeitgeist, which says what people are really thinking and how they feel about things. And sometimes the two things don't add up in Midnight Orland.
Yeah. Well, the only thing I guess you can say that lasts forever is like... The final courting long way to the top. Bob Marley. If you were once a disciple of Bob Marley, you kind of would be like that 30 years later. Yeah, no, I reckon that's right. Rasta never dies.
But yeah, that is interesting to see, you know, to hear that. You currently only have so much influence when you're on the same wavelength, when you're in the same age, you're in the same... Yeah. And remember, and I mean, I've said it many times before, I said to you guys as well, Midnight Orland wasn't about trying to have influence, it was about trying to survive. And we were just writing songs. Yeah, of course, I had lots to say on stage, but you know, I'm not the only singer to get up and sort of take the mic and have a crack. And it became an experience of being political and active and it led to all sorts of things and eventually I ended up in government. And that was a manifestation of how we felt about something, but it wasn't to do with us trying to convince other people to think about it or believe it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's very refreshingly pure.
Well, you know what, I don't think there are very many political bands that we can think of around the table who've lasted the distance where it stands up. Either they've fallen away on it and realised there's no audience for them, or they've ended up in these ridiculous positions pushing sort of a doctrinaire party line thing, which doesn't make much sense. I mean, in the States and Europe, it's different because in the States, it's a more conservative environment generally. And depending on where you were playing, like if you played in the South or Texas or the Midwest or whatever.
Like Dragon did. Yeah, well, yeah. Newmark very well know about that thing a lot, but actually we did it night after night and had our records burned and people trying to punch us out and throw things at us and all that for quite a long time. Not in any heavy way, but it was just there. Yeah, just uproar. Yeah. Well, outrage. You know, I think about it now and I realise it's more the managers and the road managers and the production people who are freaking out because you're just doing your thing really. And you're sort of, oh, a little bit more colour and movement. It's a show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, America and America kind of lives and breathes that, don't they?
They're funny though, you know, like it's a wonderful musical country. Like it's insane, like the musicianship drawing on the black music legacy. And I mean, you can just, you can go into any town and you're going to hear someone doing something really beautiful and well. Even some of the old countries, just wonderful.
But when it comes to the crowds themselves, they're all, it's still a little timid unless they've drunk too much. In that case, they're not controllable. And I think that's partly because they're still pretty conflicted about whether they're still in the wild west and it's the frontier or whether they're a modern democratic nation.
Yeah, you see that with the gun debate. The gun debate is an example of that. They're like, are we out here shooting bandits or are we, you know?
Shooting schools.
There's a cultural kind of confusion there between the wild west and modern America. And, you know, someone that you might sit around and have dinner with who's someone that you might share something in common with will say to you, well, is there a problem with there being, you'll be able to carry a gun openly down the street? I know, you can't talk about it.
You're sort of going, ah, where do I start on this? I know. When that comes out, you're just going to go, okay, next.
Who would you say are the most lively? We always ask, you know, musicians that come on where they find the most unexpected kind of parcel or enclave of fans.
Because, you know, the silver chair guys, they'll tell you about Argentina and Brazil. You know, that came down to distribution and hemispheres and stuff like that. They got, they explained why they were so big in Latin America to us because they were doing so well in Australia and all of the southern hemisphere was marketed as one. So they saw the numbers in Australia and advertise them as much to Latin America.
And then they became, it's great. It's a great example. If you put something in front of someone, you know, that might be enough for them to kind of jump on board. Like the hilltop hoods always talk about Germany and like Denmark as their, you know, people chanting along with them. Where did you find it? And who are the most kind of reactive to your music that you can see you can play them as a crowd?
I think that... North of England? Yeah.
No, I think that we've done a lot more playing than probably both of those outfits in our time. And so we built solid audiences, but lower level audiences. But in terms of the audiences that really lock in, we did Brazil before the chair and had a very strong audience there. And I would say that's the case when we came back and when I got out of the house and we decided that we'd go and do some playing and people showed up, we were a little surprised to find that so many people did in many places, but particularly there.
Portuguese is the language. And they're wonderful people and I love the culture of the place. The politics is challenging. And I had a bit to do with it in my other life, one of my other lives when I was on the Greenpeace board. So I know how tough it is in the country, but they're wonderful people and they love their music.
So yeah, it's pretty strong for most Australian bands, I think. Yeah, it's fun. But in terms of the audience that really goes, probably the French and the Germans. My wife's German. Both those places, I think, got us at an interesting point. They got us around about beds, diesel and dust, Blue Sky Mine, sort of that big period, big records, MTV back in the day. And a marriage of, that was a marriage of music and politics, which they could get. The winds of change. Yeah. So they're pretty strong.
In terms of total nuts, maybe the Fins, you know, but that's maybe not anything to do with you. It's the fact that you only get a chance to play there for about a week.
There's all these different communities popping up in the cities of Brisbane, Sydney, and Melbourne of European, young Europeans. So apparently the Scandinavian boys are all coming out in droves because they're such good tradesmen because they have to work fast because they only have about four months a year. And apparently they're on worksites around Australia now being told to woo up, you know.
And they're used to their saunas and stuff, so they don't mind sweating it out. Exactly. They're not knocking off because it's over 35. So when they're on, they're on the Fins, yeah.
Speaking of your other life, Peter. Speaking of challenging politics. Now, before we go there, can we talk about the Nuclear Disarmament Party, please, and your first stint there? What was the conversations in the background for you to have a crack at the Nuclear Disarmament Party Senate ticket?
Oh, look, it was really just thinking that, you know, the current state of play was not smart at all and really difficult to comprehend why we'd get ourselves into that state. And Australia buying into it without thinking, really. A bit like AUKUS. Yeah, well, we'll come to that too, won't we? Something's never changed. And I think globally it was a really interesting moment because a lot of young people were coming through and saying, look, we just don't think. This is, it's a completely irrational, mad nuts scenario. I mean, you can look at Dr. Strangelove, that great film, which sort of sums it up really well.
But the truth of it is that nuclear weapons were actually based in Germany in particular and other places are part of NATO. There were many, many, many, many more of them than were ever conceivably being used. I'd seen the effect when I went to Hiroshima when it was recorded over there. So I thought this is shocking what these things can do. And that was a tiny, one tiny nuclear weapon. And you also had a lot of ex-military leaders, generals and admirals and things who sort of realised when they were in there.
Hang on a minute. Well, yeah, Oppenheimer, right? Yeah. We think there's a chain of events here that's beyond our control. What are we going to do? And that's why they took the briefcase away from Trump when he was president. I didn't know that. No, they literally did. Oh, really? Actually we were in the States. This is amazing. We were in the States when he was president. He was musing about what he was going to do. And it was about South Korea or something crazy. And within about 20 minutes, the chief, it wasn't Miley, but I think it was the one before him, the chief of the defence forces came on the air, like right across America, and just stood with all his uniform on, looking at the camera and said, that we are not going to be attacking anyone with nuclear weapons. There are serious safety protocols. Just laid it out. I.e.
I'm sorry, we've got a mad president, but it's not going to happen. Yeah, like we just can't let that happen. We just can't let it happen because they've thought about it.
So those sorts of people were putting up their hands and saying, we've got to deescalate. Little groups were starting up around the country, and there was a group in Sydney involved, and they came along and said, oh, we need a candidate and you're pretty well known because running around in the pubs. And I'd written a bit about it. I'd started to write a bit about it.
What you were saying before, being a political band was not the plan. Influencing people was not the plan. You were just political people making music. Audiences may have been political, may not have been.
When you then have to become a face or a member of an actual political movement, did you feel like the oils were helping there? Or did you feel like it was a new set of skills you had to learn? I think the media thought that it was laid down as air.
Because on the one hand, they have a stereotypical view of entertainment, like they keep on calling you a rock star. And then on the other hand, they have a stereotypical view of politics as well, which they still have vis-a-vis Nemesis.
So you were in the reality zone, which was neither much. The oils were incredible. We played through that whole campaign and did shows. And we had a bit of a yarn about how we would do it and what I would and wouldn't say. And they were supportive, but we didn't want to turn them into big political rallies. So yeah, we just tried to thread that needle for a while. And I didn't get much sleep.
So we had Newcastle, 12th of March. Canberra, 14th of March. Factory Theatre, ooh, that's a good one, 15th of March. Melbourne's already sold out for one of the nights. Hindley Street, Adelaide, 23rd of March.
What a crescendo. There you go.
And Bluesfest. And Bluesfest, of course.
And that concludes part one of the Petuta Advocates interview with Peter Garrett, former Midnight Oils frontman, as we discussed there, and a political figure from the 2000s in Australia at a federal level. As you can tell, the conversation was flowing and we went on for quite a while, which is why we've decided to split this one up into two parts so you can listen at your own leisure. Tune in for part two, where we discuss a whole range of things. Peter Garrett's time in parliament, his feelings on the last government, which, you know, coming from a man that was in parliament at a time that was rather rocky, Scott Morrison's, with all the different portfolios and all the different dramas, made Peter Garrett's time look quite stable and it's great to hear his take on it. We're also talking about what he wishes he could have done as a politician and what got in the way and what needs to be done, as well as delving into this new album. So please, tune into part two.
Interesting moment because a lot of young people were coming through and saying, look, we just don't think... It's a completely irrational, mad, nuts scenario.
I mean, you can look at Doctor Strangelove, that great film, which sort of sums it up really well. But the truth of it is that nuclear weapons were actually based in Germany in particular and other places are part of NATO. There were many, many, many, many more of them than were ever conceivably being used. I'd seen the effect. And when I went to Hiroshima, when it was recorded over there, so I thought, this is shocking what these things can do. And that was a tiny, one tiny nuclear weapon. You also had a lot of ex-military leaders, generals and admirals and things who sort of realised when they were in there.
Hang on a minute. Well, yeah, Oppenheimer, right? Yeah. We think there's a chain of events here beyond our control. What are we going to do? And that's why they took the briefcase away from Trump when he was president. I didn't know that. No, they literally did. Oh, really?
Actually, we were in the States. This is amazing. We were in the States when he was president.
He was musing about what he was going to do. And it was about South Korea or something crazy. And within about 20 minutes, the chief wasn't Miley, but I think it was the one before him. The chief of the defence forces came on the air like right across America and just stood with all his uniform on, looking at the camera and said that we are not going to be attacking anyone with nuclear weapons. There are serious safety protocols.
Just laid it out, i.e. I'm sorry we've got a mad president, but it's not going to happen. Yeah, like we just can't let that happen. We just can't let it happen because they've thought about it.
So those sorts of people were putting up their hands and saying we've got to de-escalate. Little groups were starting up around the country and there was a group in Sydney involved and they came along and said, oh, we need a candidate and you're pretty well known because running around in the pubs.
I'd written a bit about it. I'd started to write a bit about it. What you were saying before, right?
Being a political band was not the plan. Influencing people was not the plan. You were just political people making music. Audiences may have been political, may not have been.
When you then have to become the face or a member of an actual political movement, did you feel like the oils were helping there? Or did you feel like it was a new set of skills you had to learn?
I think the media thought that it was a lay down was there. Because on the one hand, they have a stereotypical view of entertainment, like they keep on calling you a rock star. And then on the other hand, they have a stereotypical view of politics as well. Which they still have vis-a-vis Nemesis.
So you were in the reality zone, which was neither much. Yours were incredible. We played through that whole campaign and did shows. And we had a bit of a yarn about how we would do it and what I would and wouldn't say. And they were supportive, but we didn't want to turn them into big political rallies. So, yeah, we just tried to thread that needle for a while. And I didn't get much sleep.
So we had Newcastle, 12th of March, Canberra, 14th of March, Factory Theatre. Oh, that's a good one. 15th of March. Melbourne's already sold out for one of the nights. Hindley Street, Adelaide, 23rd of March, Perth, Regal Theatre, 28th. Tanks Arts Centre, Cairns, Heavenly, 30th at the Tivoli in Brisbane.
The Tiv. What a crescendo. There you go.
And Blues Fest. And Blues Fest, of course.
And that concludes part one of the Petuta Advocates interview with Peter Garrett, former Midnight Oils frontman, as we discussed there, and a political figure from the 2000s in Australia at a federal level. As you can tell, the conversation was flowing and we went on for quite a while, which is why we've decided to split this one up into two parts. So you can listen at your own leisure. Tune in for part two, where we discuss a whole range of things. Peter Garrett's time in parliament, his feelings on the last government, which coming from a man that was in parliament at a time that was rather rocky. Scott Morrison's with all the different portfolios and all the different dramas made Peter Garrett's time look quite stable and it's great to hear his take on it. We're also talking about what he wishes he could have done as a politician and what got in the way and what needs to be done, as well as delving into this new album. So please, tune into part two. |
dropout | hardly_working_boozy_couple | Hey guys, um, quick announcement, my parents are coming in today, so just, um, just, I'm sorry. Jesus Christ, Sheila, look at this dump, huh? I know Harold, I feel like I could catch a disease in here. Yeah, it'd be like Spring Break 78 all over again, right? For the last time, that wasn't me, you fat drunk, that was Peggy Marquez. I could stop you from fucking up. Peggy, Peggy.
You shut the hell up. And you suck a dick! You suck a dick, Sheila! Jesus. You would still remember how! This guy thinks he's Andrew Zeiss' Clay over here. But seriously folks, three years since she performed The Wifely Dodies. Excuse me. Not my fault, your balls look like rotten apricots. Shut up.
Not the good kind I like, not the good kind from Wegmans. Oh, you need to go to Wegmans. You should go after this. We'll go after this.
Hey mom, hey patties, sweetie, you look so healthy. How are you, sonner?
So this is your Rothas? This is it, yeah, these are, these are my co-workers, that's a mirror. Oh yeah, the one from the comedy skits. You think it was right?
Yeah, he looks weirder in person. He's very, very Jewish. Very Jewish.
Oh, look at this tiny nerd. Oh shit, where did he come from? Somebody needs to take him back to the library. That's a good one! It's actually Brian Murphy, he's a good friend of mine. This kid Pat, you're friends with this kid? I used to stuff kids like him in lockers, and ain't friends with him? It's true, it's true, Batty.
Your father was the king of high school. I was the king, the king of high school.
That's why I let him put his penis in me in a Mustang. She did, she did. Not anymore though. Son, let me tell you something. Women after 45 drive like the desert. It's true. Give me a break. Your father hasn't had an erection. Oh, here we go. Shut up. Since Clinton was president. Keep talking.
I wanted him to go get checked with diabetes. I thought, hey, maybe the blood just isn't flowing. Okay, the blood's flowing fine, you, okay? I'm sorry I don't get turned on by great pubic hair and breasts that look like deflated sock emboppers.
Remember those?
Your uncle got you one of those when he got out of jail. My brother Mitch. Yeah, brother Mitch. Yeah, I remember.
Please stop. Hey, these saggy shits are your fault, Patty. Touch them. See what you did. Don't touch your mother, you pervert. Hey, you stuck the life right out of them. Suck them right out.
I tell you, father, you can't do better than this. Because if you found a girl who saw your lipstick, listen to me, who saw your lipstick and didn't throw up, and I'll give you a million dollars. And now we know what I say, Patty. You know what I say. Hey, S.H.I.E.L., where you gonna get a million dollars? Here we go.
Unless someone's giving out a cash prize for the world's fattest ass. Excuse me, you be the runner-up, you manatee. Ah, shut your mouth, S.H.I.E.L. As a waitress, I need another gimlet. And I need a whiskey ginger. There's no waitress here. This is an office, not a bar. What are you talking about? That shit's sweetie. I will have a gimlet Stoli, and my dog here is gonna have a whiskey ginger. Excuse me.
Hey, spit in his and I'll give you 10% tip. That's 5% more than usual. Don't listen to this cheap gal. I'm gonna give you 20%. You shut the hell up. I'm gonna give you 20%. Don't talk to her.
Sorry. Hey, hey, I know what you're doing. You think I don't know, but I know. I can window shop, all right? I'll give you a break.
So, when are you taking your old mom and dad to lunch? Oh, well, there's a diner around the corner. I thought we could get some burgers, maybe.
I love it. Some sushi. We're in New York City after all. I'd love some sushi. I can't have sushi anymore.
After last time, I had a late night snack in the basement. The basement.
Oh, my God.
All right. For the last time, Harold, all women have a scent. Sheila, that was not a scent. That was a stench. Oh, excuse me.
You're the model of hygiene. You don't use toothpaste because you think it's tacky. It is tacky. You don't wash your hands after you shit. Why would I wash my hands, Sheila? I didn't shit on my hands.
Give me a break. You probably did. I'm not hungry anymore. Where's my drink? Where is it? Hey, hey, sugar. You know what? Because you're 5%. You know, I hate to say this, but your people on the list...
Oh, hey, sizzler. Let's go to sizzler. Let's go to the sizzler. Sizzler.
I like that. I love you guys. |
cracked | the_terrifying_rage_monster_behind_the_scenes_of_seinfeld_cracked_responds | Hey Alex, Tom. Hey. Hey, there's some bullshit.
I want to show you Yeah, this is these are outtakes from Seinfeld during its illustrious career And it's really funny because you can watch everybody break and it's clear that they're all having a very very good time That sounds really fun. Yeah, except one person. Okay, and that's Michael Richards never breaks But also is furious when his cast members also break, but he gets to be Kramer on Seinfeld Right. It seems like it would be so much fun.
Like how mad like well, you can see here He's really putting on a good face. He's he's being very nice about it with Jason Alexander I think probably because Jason Alexander is also a consummate professional He should be in dramas and this is the first of many with Julia Louise Dreyfus where it's clear that he does not like her. She's the one maybe who breaks the most I don't know why but he's he's so mean to her Just said he was gonna hit her with a two by four to the delight of the studio Just and not in a fashion where he's clearly kidding. No, it seems to mean it Where does Michael Richards have to be like that? He's so upset all the time. He's like, we got to get through this Like he's parked in it in like a He's late for the filming of trial and error.
You can see in this hospital scene that Elaine breaks Jerry Tasty initiative and pushes her over on the bed I think there's a glimmer Kramer's eye when this happens that suggests. Oh, I'm allowed to hit my co-workers great. No, it's gonna make my job so much easier That's stress doll that I've rip in half every day. I think there are a lot of scenes where this probably happened where everybody else on In the cast breaks and Michael Richards has a line that he has to get to and he's just waiting on everybody else So I think a lot of Seinfeld for him was just patience Just like endless patience because it seems like the studio audience saw like oh, he's just see right there He just flinches.
I mean, yeah, he pretends to hit her and she flinches away He did the follow-up hand motion She would know that his intent was to punch her in the face so hard that her head flew off of her body Yeah, see I knew I knew that was coming She was gonna break not even talking to her like a drunk person It's how you would treat someone who's drunk. You wouldn't say you're drunk.
We got to get you home You go somebody get this I think it's not entirely his fault This is somebody who's like a very gifted comedian who knows that what he's doing is very funny But has to stay in the scene and people are constantly refusing to let him do that Especially Jerry, nobody else has to like act act. No, we don't have to get in at this crazy character But somewhat yeah, yeah every Jerry is just Jerry Elaine Julie's drives gets to basically be herself. Everybody gets to be themselves except for Kramer who is Has to be he has to produce art essentially every single episode That's the amazing choices from himself I think now when I watch Seinfeld like Julia Louis Dreyfuss is like someone who is just swimming with a shark No cage and just like stoked about like I have a shark place She's just not worried at all about Michael Richards clearly wanting to do her harm I mean, I think even the editor of the outtakes must have known because they they put together a case in which Seinfeld first pushes Elaine and then clearly it gets this glimmer of hope and cosmo's eyes that he's allowed to do that for Crouch down So you're on. I don't know if you've ever been crouched in scenes terrible Yeah You're on your knees or you're on your your heels and your knees are out in front of you and just starts to hurt after Well, and Elaine can't keep it together.
Run. Oh, we hit sir. It's a right in the face. Oh It's a tap but you she responds like you would where you don't touch my face Yeah, don't touch my immediate response to somebody touching in the face in that way.
We're like, oh, no I think these people at first were brave Maybe unlike season one we're breaking because oh that was a very funny joke. We're doing in the show I think now they're breaking just because they know how angry Michael Richards is gonna get about this It's like kind of funny to them on Sun level. I wonder how much of this how much of how we're responding to this and how This video is being presented on YouTube is colored by Michael Richards eventually Blowing up with racism.
Yeah, you kind of don't want to like him. Yeah Yeah, and so like I feel like maybe are we are we looking are we are we imagining that he's angry? But he's clearly angry.
Well, it's impossible that this was just the winding of the spring His entire career was him getting more and more strung out because the people around him were making life torture It's very very hard for this one person and that's it you you Jerry Seinfeld created this masochistic show where everybody gets to play Themself except for one dude who has to try harder than anyone else well And you can still do a TV show if one person involved is this mad because as long as it's just one person you can Kind of work with it It seems like like this makes me think every show I like has one rage rageful person in there Yeah, and they're just making it work, right? This makes me want to now go through every other show I've loved and try and figure out where that guy is On home improvement if like Al was just Hi everybody, thank you for watching that episode of Cracked Responds. I hope you enjoyed it Please go to the comments and point out the sh- Alex really?
We're up. We almost got through it. Sorry. Let's just get through this one We're not gonna get it. It's we're not he's not gonna get it It's hard like looking like subscribe do it do whatever you do |
TheOnion | Domino_s_Tests_Limits_Of_What_Humans_Will_Eat | Researchers at the Domino's Pizza Institute announced yesterday that they are nearing completion of their 30-year study testing the limits of what human beings will eat. People willingly ate everything our lab created.
In fact, they pay money for it. The results continue to surprise me.
Over the course of the study, Domino's scientists have found that decreasing the nutritional value and increasing the visual repulsiveness of their pizzas only makes them more popular. But this applies to the crispy melt pizza. It's basically one pizza inverted on top of another pizza.
It looks like something no animal should consume, much less a human. One recent creation is constructed out of a cardboard-based crust layered in Oreo cookie crumbs and drizzled with a wax-like substance. We hypothesized that the sight of it alone would repulse customers. But it became one of the most popular items on the menu.
The Domino's scientists now believe that a certain percentage of human beings may have a genetic predisposition to eat unhealthy foods made from other, even unhealthier foods. The institute will next test human tolerance of the crispy nacho platter pizza, the big New York hot dog pizza, and the strawberries and cream milkshake dessert pizza. In the final stages of the study, we plan to just top the pizzas with actual garbage. But judging from our findings, people will probably eat those too. Dr. Moore said he initially had moral issues with conducting the test on humans, but has since come to see the subjects as, quote, cheese-and-sauce-consuming beasts.
In international news, the equivalent of five Americans were killed in Afghanistan today. |
TheOnion | Qan_You_Dig_It_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_2 | I met the Vinson in Indianapolis to try some of their legendary jerk pork belly, which raises the question, will it be enough for my human belly? We'll answer these and many more pork questions tonight on Porkin' Across America. I'm Jim Haggerty. You know me as the host of Today Now, but I've also eaten in a ton of restaurants. Now I'm heading out on the road. My mission, find the best pork our country has to offer, and I won't stop until I hit all 50 states. This is Jim Haggerty, Porkin' Across America.
The Vinson is a foodie's paradise famous for its mouth-watering pork dishes that won't break the bank. And this is one pork lover who can't wait to dig in.
Mr. Haggerty, I'm calling to inform you that your dog Nation killed another dog staying at a kennel last night. What? What are you talking about? What kennel? Mr. Haggerty, your wife brought Nation to our kennel yesterday.
His name is Nathan. Mr. Haggerty, Nathan killed another dog at our kennel. He tore her belly open. It was extremely violent. Nathan would never have done that. He's a good dog. That other dog must have provoked him. Mr. Haggerty, I'm sorry, but our policy is that we will have to euthanize Nathan.
What? No. Right now? Just go around. Could you at least put him on the phone so I can say goodbye while it's happening? Okay, yes.
She's dead now. Who's ready for pork?
The Benson is such an Indianapolis institution that there's always a line out the door. Of course, being on TV does have its perks.
Excuse me.
I'm here with the Benson's head chef and owner, Henry Deloitte. Henry, thanks so much for giving us the VIP treatment today.
Sure thing. And to welcome you, we've prepared a very special beverage. Oh, boy. It's fresh from the farm this morning. It's a delicacy we call donushkan. Bottoms up. I don't think I've ever tasted anything like that. It's warm but cold. Reminds me of something. Something good. It's nutrient rich and boosts vitality according to some cultures. Donushkan is Azerbaijani for pig's blood. Dale, hey.
Well, you know, the insurance should cover acts of God like this pipe burst. No, Jim, you're not listening. The plumber said the pipes burst because they were backed up with trash like magazines, newspapers, rags, and toothbrushes. That's it. But what was blocking the trash from leaving? What do you mean? Did you intentionally flush garbage down the toilet?
Well, yeah, everything with my name and address on it. And that's why my identity's never been stolen.
What, you don't do that? Don't you call me an idiot on my TV show? I mean, that is toxic to my brand and it's not the kind of show I'm trying to make.
What? Am I being recorded? Well, I don't know. Why don't you tell me, Dale? You seem to be the expert on everything. What the hell are you talking about?
The most famous dish is its American Jamaican fusion jerk pork belly.
Deb, I need a callback. Apparently you care more about some pipes than you do a dog's life. That's right. They killed Nathan. And it's your fault. Care to defend yourself? Then call back.
Now it's my turn to try the jerk pork belly. Whoa. Let's do it, Henry. My eye mouths are certainly eating it up. Visually, I mean. Okay, now for the tasting. The jerk pork was spiced perfectly. Oh boy. This pork was the kind of four-letter word you write home about. So good. That's perfect. Jim Hagerty? We're in the middle of taping right now, but in a little while I'll be signing mugs in the back. You've been served.
Deb's divorcing me? Really? I mean, really, Deb? Oh man, I'm sorry. Divorce papers? Whoa.
Well, you know, that's what she wants. Well, that's fine with me, but you're not getting any of my pork. Oh, don't worry, anyone.
This is just a stunt. I mean, it wasn't expected. It's actually a stunt on me, too. We're all getting stunted today. Hey, how about some more con?
This stuff is fantastic. I'm going to make this at home every day. That might be a little tough, considering most supermarkets don't sell fresh pig's blood. This is pig's blood?
I don't like this. I don't understand.
I told you. I don't remember that. I told you. Did I respond? I mean, if I didn't respond, that means I didn't hear you. I mean, anybody who knows me knows that. I'm sorry, but you clearly liked it.
I mean, you drank a lot of that. I don't like it. You've been drinking it all day. I don't like blood. Honestly, I've never seen anybody drink so much as you.
I mean, seriously, man, that stuff isn't cheap. If money will shut you up, then stop saying I like blood. I don't want some money, man. Take it. Excuse me.
Whoa, so Indiana has been an unmitigated pork success. I want to thank the folks here at the Benson for what they call hospitality. That's apparently how they do things here in Indiana. They trick you into drinking blood, but they mean well, I guess. In any event, until next time, remember to eat pork.
What is the biggest rock? I'm not telling you anything that every goddamn asshole don't already know. |
SaturdayNightLive | a_few_minutes_with_andy_rooney_shoes_saturday_night_live | And now, a few minutes with Andy Rooney. I've been doing some serious thinking about shoes. Ever noticed shoes? everybody wears them. just look down. there's so many different kinds. a lot of shoes sound like what they are. oxfords. work shoes. loafers. I guess the good thing about loafers is you don't have to tie them. Space shoes. Boots.
Ever noticed there weren't many Nazis named Steve? You know what's annoying? when that little plastic thing on the end of your shoelaces falls off and gets frayed at the end, and you can't get them through the holes, and you gotta do this? to do this? Ever notice what a weird name Morley Safer is? Morley. is that the opposite of Leslie?
And Mike Wallace. Boy, what a jackass. I mean, if you did something illegal, would you tell Mike Wallace about it?
I wouldn't. ever notice how annoying my voice is? of course, you could turn it off. I can't. Ever notice it gets dark at night? where does the sun go? nobody knows. Ever notice how much rouge I have on my shoes? of course, some people think it makes me look like a clown. just a dream affair. |
cracked | cooking_for_six_of_the_deadliest_people_in_the_world | Hey, you wanted to see a Sarge say nice cigars. What are those? Cigars, they're the tightly rolled Constitutions of various overthrown island nations to like to smoke one. Oh, do you have Malta fuck Malta?
We're fine Well, I know you're busy today boys, but I need you to drop everything and please Michael. Don't take that literally I said don't take sir. I didn't have just got butterfingers today I've been eating a lot of butter, but don't worry. It was unsalted. That was not anyone's work Well, I hope you saved some of that butter Michael because I need your culinary skills today I'm hosting a very important meal tonight boys It's the annual meeting of the Chiefs and in our Chiefs app since it's up to me to provide the meal Which means it's up to you.
What why would we possibly be the people you turn to in this situation? Honestly, you're the only employees whose phone extensions.
I know Now go to this address and provide a meal fit for a king. Oh One of the Chiefs is also a king.
We won't let you down dad. I'm not your dad, son So what's the plan Dan flam potatoes au gratin Man, no the most dangerous food game battleship. No, I wasn't trying to I'm pogs I'm sorry.
I'm swinging wide here man. You gotta help me out. It's not usually allowed in people's kitchens little out of my element Michael whole lifetime of living alone and being so petrified of public restroom usage that it precludes actually going out to restaurants would turn anyone into a decent cook just Leave everything to me. Oh Oh, I have a trick but oh, okay new plan you be somewhere else wash your hands We're under the pantry grab some pasta. See how I'm backing up like this. Don't give me a okay a little bit progress report They're speaking in an ancient Chiefs only dialect. So I stepped out Mostly quarterly numbers and that sort of thing. Uh, sure. I need a few minutes, sir But trust me, it'll be worth it.
Every course is from that article. I wrote nine foods that you didn't think you could eat and can't Make this offer one time and one time only O'Brien. Do you want to know who killed John F Kennedy?
You know, I didn't know I wanted that but yeah now it's all I want Well, I'm off to entertain our guests and if I'm interpreting their grunts and clicks correctly they're getting antsy I Got that posse you wanted. That doesn't make any sense Yeah, you're good at cooking I know what ants look like that's why we make such a good team That's true. Hand me the couscous. We could swap that in for the pasta. You mean these ants.
Okay, so that was a fluke Just give me the thing coo-hah the black fist Ahmed Kula Saruman do what are you doing? Counting my push-ups using the names of foreign tyrants. I've overthrown in my military career It's pretty standard badass guy stuff. Really?
I mean why there should be meal not arousing spectacle This will not look good on your performance review to your chief Anastasia calm down. Damn it You're really starting to give me an ulcer. It certainly won't look good for you on your performance review I Finishing touches here make sure I cross my T's and dot my aunts.
I wasn't gonna say and now you'll never have to Oh Buddy I think this is it. I think this is my masterpiece This might be the best meal I've ever made in my life this meal if this meal was a woman I follow it around for a few months before Nervously approaching it breaking down into stutters and then swallowing a bunch of impotent rage as I make love to it Yep. Wow, sounds good. All right, let's go. I will take this one and I will take this one. Oh Let's go Hope your appetizer as big as crack.com's potential is a leading pioneer Hey, hey sergeant. What's going on? Shut it. Oh Brian Let's finish talking you took too long So I made a wartime call and I dipped into Michael's butter stash My butter that was a wartime call affirmative and they are loving it now dump that food and go on home You too did absolutely nothing for the company, but I still won't fire you you stay on to fight another dance Yeah, right sure now get the hell out of here Those boys really knocked one out of the park. I swear I this gonna be the best quarter of the year |
dropout | bald_to_badass_in_two_easy_steps | Are you losing your hair? Tired of covering up on slightly bald spots? Well we have the solution for you.
Shave your head and grow a goatee. At shave your head and grow a goatee. We encourage our clients to shave what little hair they have and grow a goatee. Drawing attention away from their dying emasculating hairline and towards their badass new goatee. Before shave your head and grow goatee, I tried to cover my thinning hair with hats and by leaning back real far when I talked to people. Then I found shave your head and grow a goatee and followed the step-by-step instructions. Just two steps really. And now what can I say? I'm going to shave your head and grow goatee convert. Oh fuck yeah I look like a bouncer. You got ID? Stop in for a free consultation today and a shave your head and grow a goatee specialist will work with you through our dirt simple procedure. This is you now and essentially just shave your head and grow a goatee.
You're you're not gonna do anything with the computer?
When I first met Parker honestly I thought he looked like a pussy. I did. But then shave your head and grow goatee had him shave his head and grow goatee and now he looks like an ex-Marine. I'm just a software analyst. My hair wasn't the only thing that was vanishing. My confidence went along with it.
Kids in my neighborhood they used to call me names. They called me chrome dome, mirror ball. They called me fuck face.
But shave your head grow a goatee not only cured my baldness but it restored my confidence. I just shaved my head grew a goatee and now I look like a badass and everyone's afraid of me. I'm Sandoval Borsley founder of shave your head and grow a goatee. If you're losing your hair try shave your head and grow a goatee. If you're not completely satisfied with your new look within 30 days what are you gonna do?
Right. I didn't think so.
Shave your head and grow a goatee. If you're black don't even worry about the goatee part. Hey thanks for watching. Click my goatee shaved head to subscribe to more videos. |
TheOnion | Cheap_Clean_Natural_Gas_Earth_s_One_Good_Feature_Horrifying_Planet_Ep_6 | Earth's limitless diversity can seem daunting, overwhelming, frustrating, and excruciating. But in terms of mass, the majority of the world is made up of cold, lifeless rock. And in the tiny pores between these rocks lies a hidden treasure.
Unlimited reserves of natural gas. Dedicated scientists have figured out a way to free this natural gas from its tragic confinement, for use in cars and factories throughout our horrifying planet. All it takes is a little bit of fracking. Fracking is the process by which the subterranean Earth is shattered and valuable gas is sucked up through a friendly hose. It is the solution to the global energy crisis. A well is drilled deep into the Earth, and precision explosives shatter the Earth from within, and our reliable hose slurps up the gas that the Earth is greedily hoarding. The process is then repeated reliably and respectfully until our energy needs are met. And with Sky Energy Company clean-burning natural gas, they will be.
The Earth is teeming with an inexhaustible supply of fossil fuels, carelessly left over from the decomposing remains of millions of years' worth of animals too stupid to cremate their dead. They're already dead. They won't care if we shatter their decomposed remains, and it's not like anyone was doing anything with that underground layer of Earth. It would be a crime against man to let all this useful energy go to waste. There is such a wealth of gas, in fact, that humans have discovered unexpected windfalls of natural gas in their very own homes, flowing through their own municipal water supplies bonanza! There is little enough to be thankful for on this awful wretch of a planet, plagued as it is by disease, violence, and the ever-looming spectre of death. But one thing we can give thanks for is the limitless reserves of clean, affordable natural gas beneath our feet at this very second, and fracks the truth.
Horrifying Planet thanks its series sponsor, Sky Energy Company, for its generous promotional consideration. I took Alex upstairs so we could experience each other's bodies. I like holes. He distributes positive feelings. Have sex, froggies! Back to the miracle ones to see! |
cracked | 14_brilliant_movie_moments_you_won_t_believe_were_improvised_super_cut | He's looking at you kid What's wrong nothing taking the shit I'll have what she's having some fava beans and a nice Chianti I didn't kill my wife. I don't care. I love you. I know you talking to me I Make you laugh I'm here to amuse you Hey everyone we're crack comms after hours crew You'll notice we're wearing super cool and stylish shirts that you can actually get right now from the brand-new crack store called the crack dispensary It takes whatever kind of money you have to throw at it Michael has this shirt Tell us a little bit about it Dan has this lovely shirt the you know tell us a bit about that shirt Theodore Katie's got a different shirt as well Tesla Soren my shirt has a thesaurus on it and it's full of golf balls What's wrong nothing taking the shit I Have what she's having some fava beans and a nice Chianti I Didn't kill my wife. I don't care. I love you. I know you talking to me. Hey I Make you laugh. I'm here to amuse you Welcome to earth Hey everyone, we're crack comms after hours crew You'll notice we're wearing super cool and stylish shirts that you can actually get right now from the brand-new crack store called the crack dispensary It takes whatever kind of money you have to throw at it. Michael has this shirt Tell us a little bit about it Dan has this lovely shirt. It's the order tell us a bit about that shirt Theodore Katie's got a different shirt as well Tesla Soren my shirt has a thesaurus on it and it's full of golf balls |
cracked | 7_unbelievable_facts_about_other_planets_marvels_of_the_science_episode_5 | Our world is full of being in many worlds, from the gamma clouds of Bartman 7 to the regular clouds of Earth. The universe for sure has clouds. I'm Professor Scott Bug of the University of Glenshercliffe in Hamburgscliffe and today I will discuss planets, Mars and other planets on my marvels of the science. About eight or nine years ago ancient Mayans believed that planets were formed because moons were lonely and just like needed pals. Mayans, they were right. I'm here on Mars, which looks literally exactly like Earth did, hundreds of millions of years ago.
Now as you can see there are these bits of aluminium in the air which gives everything a sort of reddish colour. And after the aluminium creates red, other atoms will appear, creating other colours we see.
Inspired by Einstein's buddy Josh in 1953, the law of planets tells us like so many things. And thanks to a different guy named Josh we also know that there are planets made of gas called through planets because you can go right through them. And there are planets made of rock called nope planets because nope you can't go through them. Today is very exciting because today the colourisation of Mars is beginning.
Breathtaking. I cannot breathe.
And though the list does not go on, the universe does. Until three trillion killer years from now, when it gets sleepy and bored from like three trillion killer years, I mean wowie. Until then, it will brim and brum with planets exactly like our own. And that's why Mars, but specifically any planet, is one of my Marsfuls of the Science. Mmm, Marvels. |
dropout | This_Restaurant_Is_Actually_a_Sex_Cult | The first time I made love, I was 15 years old and it was with a boy in my class named Toby. We were at a bonfire on the beach and we snuck away behind the breakwater to discover one another. I could smell the smoke from the fire in his hair and the salt from the cold ocean water nearby. For me, these are smells of passion.
Food has these smells because food is passion. Food is freedom. Food is liberation. Food is sex.
Tonight is our monthly banquet and rather than having a restaurant that's open every night and people are wandering in whenever, we say, come in at this time on this night. Sit with us, be with us. Cards on the table, it's an orgy. People show up, they eat good food and everybody gets nasty and hits the hay.
I mean, it's incredible. Fresh produce, great wine and a few orgasms, get the heck out of here. It's awesome. Full is a garden of sensual experience, a buffet of earthly adrenaline, a restaurant with no silverware because we eat off each other's genitals.
For a number of years, Laura was a member of a commune in Southern Argentina. She ran the kitchen.
I think it was a sex cult. I didn't even know that I had a passion for cooking but when I saw the communal nature of it, how it brings people together, how putting soft items in our mouths heals bodies and souls for all eternity, how powerful it is to lock eyes with someone as they say, oh, yeah, uh-huh, mmm, mmm, right, okay, right, oh, oh my, mmm, mmm, mmm. So what are you saying? I mean, it was definitely a sex cult.
At the commune, I was working with a fishmonger who brought me the most beautiful red snapper filets. She was impressed with my cooking and she had amazing shoulders. I had always thought in terms of the communal, I'd never reserve love for just one person but suddenly, I was head over heels. For once, I was focused on one person.
She was my world but it didn't last long. She was eaten by a whale. That is how she always wanted to die which I guess is nice but it still hurt and I felt empty.
How was I ever going to mend that hole in my heart? How was I going to get back to my old way of being? How was I ever going to feel full again? And that is how the concept of full came to be. I needed to answer my calling. I needed to reconnect with community, to fill my void with people and pleasure. Laura came out of a sad life event and now has a lot of sex to feel less lonely.
I don't think it's more than that. There's no bounds to her profound and brilliant genius and that includes her first signature dish called Savage Desire. I scorn the typical dining experience, the stuffy table settings, the individual placemats. It's so inhibiting. When you dine with me, I want you to dine with me, not dine at me. No one is ever alone at full.
It's just meat. I don't even know what kind of meat. I think it's ribs. No one ever said ribs. Could be anything. Believe it or not, that's just the taste of Gods of Food.
For more episodes, go to Dropout.tv and sign up for your free membership. Hunger is our body's way of telling us what we want. It is my job as a chef to listen to my body and to the bodies of those around me. |
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