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cracked | 4_video_games_that_took_realism_way_too_far_video_game_purgatory | Hi, my name is Lisa Summerscales, and this is Video Game Purgatory. And in honor of the fact that you're probably watching this instead of working, today's episode is...
We don't expect the average game to be realistic, because we don't want to wait for our hero to spend four months in rehab every time he takes a bullet. But sometimes, games about blowing up space aliens and running over pedestrians suddenly get serious. And that just makes them even goofier.
Hardcore fans of this long-running casual murder and also yoga, for some reason, simulator, know that GTA actually has a hidden story mode. And in GTA 5, the plot revolves around a series of elaborate heists. One heist involves robbing a docked ship.
And first, you need to scout the port. But how do you accomplish this? That's right.
No elaborate stealth mission. No daring nighttime raid.
In a game that literally advertises crime in its title, you have to show up and put in a responsible day on the job. Oh, but it's not all bad. You also get to operate a second piece of tedious machinery. And to think, you wanted to have a gunfight. This goes on for a good 20 minutes. And the vehicles control, like, wet cardboard boxes full of grumpy puppies.
Weird that they didn't include that part in any of the marketing. Huh. Hey, I heard you got GTA 5. Yeah, it's so awesome.
Just put in a hard day of work at the docks and... Now I've gotta go straight to bed so I can be well-rested for tomorrow.
Like, in the game? Hell yeah!
Bossman says I'm due for a raise, so maybe I can finally afford one of those fancy cars I keep seeing. I don't know any other way to get one.
Mass Effect 3 concludes the epic trilogy of Commander Shepard saving all known life despite the great obstacles of dozens of aliens asking her to pick up their goddamn space dry cleaning. Personally, I haven't gotten to what I assume is an amazing ending because I'm stuck doing pull-ups trying to impress my space girls. The idea is you spend a little time bonding with each of your crew members. You go with one to the arcade, another takes you dancing, and Freddie Prinze Jr. challenges you to beat his pull-up record of 182. Okay, but they find a way to make it interesting, right?
Nope. You have to pay just enough attention so that you don't mess up.
But beyond that, it just drags on. And on.
That's 20. Is it done yet? No. Oh, for fuck's sake. Ugh.
Okay, so it goes on like this for 15 minutes. 15 minutes of your life that you will never, ever get back. But surely there's at least a sweet reward for all that tedium.
Holy hell, you did it. You know what? You're gonna have to get your own goddamn space dry cleaning next time.
Shenmue 2 is a cult classic about a man named Yoh trying to hunt down his father's killer. It's a sequel to a game about the exact same thing because Yoh is bad at revenge and keeps getting distracted by goofy nonsense. Near the end of 2, you fistfight your way through a bunch of gangsters. You beat up their boss and you get a hint.
The killer's on his way to a small village. Then you have to walk there. In real time. To be clear, this isn't some world map full of monsters and treasure and, you know, fun. This is a nature hike.
An activity you play video games to avoid. After spending the rest of the game in a big city, it's kinda nice to have a virtual countryside for a few minutes. But then you get stuck there. For another two hours. They do give you a travel companion, but she's, well, let's just say she's conversationally challenged. Aside from having to teach remedial geography, the game tries to spice things up with activities like don't get your feet wet while crossing this gentle stream, or hey, there's a bird, or you need to make a campfire now because this is taking forever.
By the end, you're praying that a bear comes out of nowhere and mauls you just for a little variety. Look, you can't just strive for a realistic trek through the wilderness in an era where every game looked like it doubled as a cataract simulator. And what's your reward for finally putting all your cub scout training to use? Yeah, it's a cliffhanger. Except not literally, because that would have been fun. And then the hike wouldn't have been realistic. Hope you chipped into that Shenmue 3 Kickstarter.
Massively multiplayer online games like World of Warcraft, Guild Wars, and if you were one of the lucky few who got to access the secret beta, Zelda Online, use a trick where you can walk through other players' bodies like they don't exist. It looks a little silly, but it's the only way to prevent people from accidentally blocking key doorways during bathroom breaks.
But the creators of Division decided that their gritty shooter needed to be more realistic. And that, uh, yeah, didn't quite pan out. You just saw people lining up to take turns using a laptop that's needed for a mission. And while it's admirable that most players respected virtual law and order instead of just screaming profanities between waiting and dealing with jerks who shoved their way forward like it was the last laptop on sale on Black Friday, it took that poor guy 20 minutes to reach the front. That player, perhaps under the impression that he was playing a shooter and not grocery store simulator 2016, tried to cut the line, only to fail and make everyone else mad at him. Please form a line is something you should have to say to children crowding an ice cream truck, not people who paid 60 bucks plus tax to shoot pretend terrorists. And that wasn't the only problem. A game that cost millions upon millions of dollars to make was rendered completely unplayable by someone idling in a doorway.
Yeah, it's realistic that you can't phase through other human beings, but how is this any better? You're an elite soldier. What's your excuse for not squeezing past him? We better not let real terrorists learn about such a horrifying secret weapon. Thanks again for watching and join me again next month, where we'll be back to never acknowledging reality. Just waiting together, or maybe we could take therapy sessions for our post-traumatic stress disorder from all the murdering we've done, or maybe the controllers could actually bleed when you strangled someone or shot someone, or maybe, boops. |
TheOnion | New_Anti_Smoking_Ads_Warn_Teens_It_s_Gay_To_Smoke | A new campaign from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is already having a big impact on the way teens view smoking. Let's take a look. Or are they gay? It's a gay to smoke.
And joining us here in the studio this morning is the director of this new PSA campaign, Dr. Michael Gaines. Doctor, thanks for stopping by today. Thanks for having me.
Now, I've seen a lot of anti-smoking ads that talk about the health risks, but these are completely different. Yes, well we found those old tactics just weren't working because they weren't relevant to teens. That's exactly right. These new ads talk to kids in their own language. We're saying, understand, if you choose to smoke, people are going to make fun of you for looking like a queer. Really? And we're also pushing Congress to replace the warnings on cigarette packages with more effective ones. Well, look at that. Great idea. Well, it looks like you've got another PSA to show us here.
Don't be a faggot. Don't smoke.
Well, extraordinary work, Dr. Gaines. I'm impressed. Absolutely. There are campaigns about teenage drinking that show how getting drunk leads to making out with your same-sex friends, and seatbelt ads that show how dangerous it is to be free to prance around like a fairy inside the car. Great idea. Wonderful. Now you're going to love this.
Our producers actually found some YouTube videos that show just how effective your campaign's been. Let's have a look.
I mean, I used to smoke, but then I didn't want everyone to think I'm a gay homo. I had to wait in line behind this gay guy buying cigarettes who couldn't get his chains out of his gay pocket. I was like, don't smoke in front of me, gay one. You think I want to watch that? I don't want to smoke because I don't want to look like a cock magnet.
That's amazing. Now, I have to say these ads are geared toward the boys. Oh, good point. What about the girls? Oh, yes.
We have a glossy magazine campaign for the girls. It features ten full-page ads with a woman smoking while welding, smoking while driving a big rig, smoking while working construction.
Wonderful. Dr. Michael Gaines, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. And you stick around because coming up after the break, we're going to be visited by a singer-songwriter who's going to teach us how to write lyrics to songs that sound like they're about sea creatures but are actually about sex. Stay with us. |
TheOnion | CDC_Warns_Public_Of_Mutating_Coronavirus_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_27 | Coronavirus has hit the U.S., and the CDC is issuing new warnings today over the severity of its threat.
It could literally be anywhere at any time, and you won't know until it's too late! Jesus fucking Christ! Hear why everything will probably be fine. From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. If these are indeed the end times, wouldn't you want to find out from a podcast? I know I would. Stay with us.
The Topical is presented by CashApp, the number one finance app in the App Store and the easiest way to send and receive money. I use it to pay my first wife's alimony and receive alimony for my second wife. Download CashApp today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical.
It's the story dominating the headlines this week. The coronavirus continues to infect people, so far in over 53 countries, including the United States, and now it looks like conditions may be getting worse. The CDC held an emergency press conference today warning Americans that new research shows that the virus, dubbed COVID-19, has become so advanced that it could mutate into anything or anyone, even someone you trust.
It could be a houseplant, or a car, or an unsuspicious looking chair, or even someone close to you. Your mom, your spouse, your best friend. It could be right here in this room right now. It could be you, or you, or you, or you, or you, or you, or all of you! Ahh! Get away!
OPR's Alan Potts has been following this outbreak and joins me now in the studio. Hello Alan. Hi Leslie.
That was CDC Director Robert Redfield this morning just before accusing several reporters of being a shape-shifting coronavirus and rubbing hand sanitizer all over his body. He eventually calmed down enough to explain that while viruses mutate all the time in order to survive, this one was different and especially hard to identify. Here's what symptoms Redfield said to look for in a possible walking, talking coronavirus. Symptoms can be hard to spot. For instance, your coworker Steve may look like Steve, but he is no longer Steve. He will seem a bit off, dead-eyed even, and he will try over and over to put his mouth on top of yours to transfer the virus. Yikes.
Alan, let's talk prevention. How can you keep this virus from gaining your trust, living in your home, and sleeping next to you in bed night after night? The CDC lists several tips on its website but is noting that the use of medical face masks is not recommended since the virus can just as easily mutate into one of those too. They are though offering detailed instructions that can prevent spreading and contracting the disease. Do not seek medical attention since morphing into a doctor is exactly what this thing would do to get inside you. Stay in, isolate yourself, cut off all ties to friends and family, and definitely get yourself one of these. A 9mm semi-automatic pistol, mild recoil, high-capacity magazine, works on even the toughest of viruses. This is all very alarming, but Alan, I think the question on everyone's mind here is how much of this is an actual threat and how much of it is just the CDC being overly cautious? Well, according to the CDC, you can never really be too cautious with a conniving virus like this one, and considering it wants to invade your body and multiply millions of times inside of you, you're always better to be safe than sorry.
Well, to be honest, it all sounds like a big hoax to me, but thanks anyway, Alan. Oh, Alan, it looks like you've got a little something on the side of your mouth there. Oh? Yeah, here, let me get it for you. Hey, Alan, sorry I'm late.
You wouldn't believe the traffic. What the... Oh my god, what the hell was that thing? That was apparently the coronavirus. Huh, no kidding? Well, it seems pretty dangerous. Oh man, I can barely keep up with the news anymore.
Well, should we do this segment? I think we're good. Oh, all right. Well, that's OPR's Alan Potts, everyone.
First up, a strange story out of Minneapolis. Earlier this morning, three roommates living on the north side confirmed that their fat fourth roommate was traveling all the way to Tennessee just to fuck some girl. OPR correspondent Jenna Resnick joins us from Minneapolis. Hi Leslie. Jenna, help us out here because I can't figure this one out. Well, you're not alone. Early this morning, Minneapolis resident Michael Paulson surprised his roommates while they were eating breakfast by informing them he was on the way to the bus station, where he was apparently preparing to board a Greyhound just to go pork some chick he barely knows. Which is strange because normally you don't need to go to a bus station to do that. Exactly. And his roommates were confused at first as well. I spoke with one, his name is Nathan, and here's how he learned about it.
Yeah, so we both work at Guitar Center and Mikey was like, hey man, can you cover two of my shifts? And I'm like, two, dude? Two shifts? What's going on?
And he said he was taking a week to head down to 10 of fucking C of all places and asked us if we could feed his lizard while he was gone. At first he wouldn't tell us what he was up to, you know, playing coy and shit, but we got it out of him. And what they got out of him was... Was in fact what they had suspected. That their fat roommate Mikey had met a girl online named Lindsay or something, they couldn't really remember, but the two posted a lot in the same Reddit forum, which led them to start exchanging emails a few months ago and talk about getting an Airbnb in Memphis. Now he's hauling his fat ass halfway across the country to visit her, which his roommates confirmed is an insane thing to do just to hit it. He said they both want to check out the barbecue scene and some kind of bluegrass festival or music shit happening, but come on, dude.
I mean, are you seriously that desperate? Because like Mikey is fat, but not super fat, and he's not gross or anything. He mostly takes care of himself, and his personality isn't even that bad, so he could probably get laid without having to go all that way. Well, I think it's the question on everyone's mind here. Is Michael straight up lying? Good question. Is there even a chick waiting for him down in Memphis? No way to know for sure, obviously. Nathan admitted he was also skeptical and asked Michael to show him a picture of Lindsay, which to him seemed, quote, pretty legit and even kind of cute. But that didn't put to rest all his worries. If she has to hook up with some fat dude who lives hundreds of miles away, I don't know. Like no offense to Mikey, but like she's got to be crazy or something if he's the best she can do.
But I didn't get a chance to warn him. He just left. After I spoke with Nathan, I was able to finally reach Michael Paulson himself in Memphis. He confirmed the roommate's account of his departure and said that he was just excited to get to know Lindsay more, and that if anything happens, it would be cool.
But if not, that's cool too. Wow, sometimes I don't know what these kids are thinking.
Thank you, Jenna. Thank you.
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Part of what's most beautiful about life is just how much there is in this world that we don't know. Well, I'm about to make it a little bit uglier. Here's what else you need to know today.
U.S. government officials confirmed today that the state of Nebraska is missing and has been missing for the past three years. Efforts are underway to locate the Cornhusker state, but officials leading the search effort aren't confident it can be found at this point.
The TSA has announced that beginning this month they will be phasing out the use of all glue-sniffing dogs. The security administration praised the dogs' ability to locate and identify adhesives, but said the decision was necessary because, quote, they were just getting way too fucked up at work.
And big news for amusement park lovers, Hellmann's has announced they'll be opening a new theme park this summer that is set to feature the world's longest lazy mayo river. Mmm, sounds relaxing.
Well, that's it for the Topical today. I'm Leslie Price. Join us tomorrow for the incredible story of a real-life Harry Potter, a young boy who was discovered dead inside an English family's closet. Oh man, I love those books. That and more tomorrow on the Topical. |
cracked | terrifying_things_nobody_tells_you_about_pregnancy_cracked_responds | Hi, I am Wanna Cheryl. I am the head of physical production here at Cracked and I Have also been pregnant and had a child and so today. Oh, yeah Great huge achievement that no one else accomplishes But today I wanted to share with my female colleagues some of the things that We just aren't told about before we get pregnant No one tells you how horrifying any of this is. And shouldn't they tell us like really like we should know But so we're gonna know. We're gonna dive in even further.
One thing that we don't know is that some women Both poop and vomit or one or the other when the contractions start Yes, because the contractions are there to Dialate you and I didn't know. Oh, yeah, I didn't know how Much you needed to be dilated But to be full dilation you are about the size of that looks like the solar system Yeah, you you start at one to ten centimeters and you open up to roughly the size of a bagel So that takes a lot of I'm never gonna be able to eat a bagel again But that takes a lot of That's really intense which so some women not all but some women That go to the bathroom with each contraction And because it's basically just squeezing your insides like and so it can cause It's about I wear both ends or no ends, but it happens No You cannot wear tampons they're really dangerous. Oh, they're dangerous. I was gonna say useless between I was gonna be like, yeah I feel like they probably would you know, you're inside like opened up to the size of a bagel That also opens the capacity for like bacteria to get in use so you cannot use Tampax because that makes things really risky. Oh, yeah, this is this is going in the video for sure me talking about tampons Um, but I mean, it's all it's all it's all To know so there's one of the things you get told to like watch out for because you might go into labor in a few days once X happens is losing your Mucus plug I was I mean, I guess I know why they'd call it that but like why we don't have to be so literal I think it's in it's gross granted.
It's gross It's but it's but it's not as disgusting as what comes to mind when I hear the term mucus Yeah, I have to imagine. I hear that term and I'm like, I mean I can vomit right now It sounds like a snot plug. It sounds like yeah, it's not that gross It's not that gross. It is. It's not it's not like beautiful save it It's my mucus plugs here's my placenta here's my baby When your baby comes out so they've been in your womb for a really long time they haven't pooped they don't poop Their first poop is this thing called. I hope I'm pronouncing this, right? Nuconeum, which is that sounds like an element basically all the stuff that's been like stored up in their tummy and it's like tar And they do that for a couple days like a day or two. It looks like if a bat molted Computer is a bat molted and like shed its skin and just left it there That's what that that looks like what in it when in an alien movie and they the alien is in the house And then there's no sign and then there's a sign and it's just That's what that is. It's that it's like it looks like motor oil, but it's just really thick It's like yeah, it looks like motor but like you can pick like it congealed also I had no idea that you need these things called maternity pads after you give birth and So you give birth and for what? I'm gonna regret asking that immediately. Oh, yeah, like it's something messy the whole of your Internal lining that was holding your baby comes out of your body and I had for some isn't that what the placenta is? Yeah, there's more but for some stupid reason I thought I thought oh that just all happens at once not true weeks Weeks weeks and so this like in this image.
I'm showing you this is like a normal size pad, right? Yeah, that's what you get some sent home from the hospital. It's like a diaper. It's a diaper. It's a diaper We're looking at a diaper. Yeah.
Yeah, I didn't know like weirdly looks pink And I know it's it's just a garment Right, like if someone's wearing that something horrible has happened to their body Women often talk about how like the baby when they're pregnant can cause them to need to pee a lot while you're pregnant What some women a lot of people don't talk about is post-flavor You're a nation control Yeah, I can see that being a problem that makes sense some women have issues because your kegels are No, they just got stretched out of it battered And so you might like sneeze and target your first your first name out in public after a long time and just oh Yeah Yeah, thank God for those Yeah, I mean honestly after mucus like I'm not sure anything can chuck me anymore. So like sure yeah that one Sometimes when you pee get an extra mucus Planted in your backyard Like Alien seems to be correct In their portrayal like how things emerge from your womb just like it's just a monster that comes out of your belly button. Okay Yeah, so I'm right Like let's lay eggs that seems Just keep it on your heat lamp and then one day little hands just gonna punch through this cute little baby So thank your mother Insane what you went through a real big hug. Yeah, she went through a lot Thank you so much for watching that video We're still learning more about pregnancy But if you'd like to watch more videos that we make please Press the C down below if you want to subscribe and that Bell in the corner for notifications about more videos We're gonna |
dropout | hardly_working_average_night_out | Yes. Hey guys, what's the haps? Oh, we're just trying to figure out which one of us had the most baby bear night last night. The most, uh, what? Um, baby bear, like not too good, not too bad. Yeah, right in between. You keep your hot and cold nights, just give me that baby bear, you know? Okay, but why wouldn't you just want to have like a good night though?
Oh!
I don't know, Dan! Maybe because then you could never top it! Yeah, Dan, you don't want to set the bar too high, plus playing it middle of the road means no more bad nights. We're just standing off the sharp corners of life, my man!
So, anyways, as I was saying... I was worried you were so crudely interrupted. Yeah, true. So, I am out on the town. Okay.
And I have had like a two drinks, okay? And I am like, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo! These are not alcoholic!
Oh my god, what were you wearing? Um, okay, so I'm rocking this outfit that like kind of works, like so no major rips are staying. Right, mostly presentable. Girl, I bet you look so okay.
Yes, I did. Then I called it a night early. Nice! Yeah, last night for me was just, you know, dinner at this totally two-star middle of the road restaurant. Oh, that's a good cut.
Yeah, not well. So, it was bad. Uh, no, just like way okay.
Yeah, but I think, you know, definitely one of the meals I've ever had.
Wait, how is the belt? Way reasonable. Plus, I found a Missouri quarter in my change. No way. Way. So, I don't want to make you guys too jealous, but try this one on for size. Let me guess, it's a medium.
What's that, bro? Nothing.
Go on. Okay, so there I am. I'm listening to some soft rock and adult contemporary jazz, but it's really like rockin' my socks still. Yeah, stuff really hits the spot. Be your job. Well, not too hard. No, this was just loud enough to be audible, right?
And I look up at the TV. Who do I see but Charlie Sheen? Oh, that guy's got way too harsh of vibes going on. For real, but I look to the left. He's there, but his dad.
God, he's so soft and mushy. Wait, you don't mean to say. Right there in between them, my sweet baby bee, Emilio E. He is such a comfy, cozy middle ground of a man. Amazing.
I can't say last night was Aztevez level bee bear for me, but checkity check it. Last night, I got seven hours of sleep.
Oh, yeah. Okay, no, no. You know what? I don't like this baby bear stuff. What? Why?
He's so cute and mediocre.
Tough. I want highs and lows. I'll take life cold because sometimes I want life hot. I'm a man of passion and extremes.
Don't you see?
I am a papa bear. Dan, no. Dan, no, don't go in there. Mama bear, mama bear. Yeah, thanks, Murph. But I think I can handle one rough. It's an actual mother bear. Oh, God. Gotta start labeling that door better. Yeah. |
cracked | the_city_of_south_pasadena_banned_swearing | You know that the city of South Pasadena banned swearing on one day of the week? What day? I believe Monday.
So there was a Mormon family in California. They have a son named McKay Hatch and he decides in middle school that the hill he's gonna die on is that no one should swear. So he starts the no-cussing club. Sure. And they have T-shirts that are orange and they say the no-cussing club. And I have spoken with several people that went to school with him and they were like, yeah, we thought it was pretty normal to have a no-cussing club.
So he does a bunch of media appearances and then 4chan catches a whiff. Oh my God. This is 2009. They just cyber-bullied the fuck out of this kid. They send like several thousand dollars worth of pizza to his house. But what he did was he paid for it. Wow. And then he did appearances on Fox News and he labeled himself the most cyber-bullied kid in the world. Damn. And then he actually went to the city of South Pasadena and raised emotion to ban swearing. And they were like, oh, it's just this little cyber-bullied kid who doesn't wanna hear people swear. They're like, okay, sure, but. |
SaturdayNightLive | update_amy_s_goodbye_saturday_night_live | I did just want to take a moment to thank everybody. this is my last show, and it has been an amazing experience to be here. being able to do over 140 shows with my friends and my family has been a dream come true. And from the bottom of my heart, I really- it's right up. it's right up. $50 worth of circus tickets. Governor, Governor Patterson. Yeah. Governor Patterson. Governor Patterson. you're in the shot. you're in the shot. you were in our shot. no, sorry about that.
No, don't do that. it's okay. no, it's not sorry. So, no, just- I won't say that about everybody anyway. you're still- um, yeah, just keep- just keep walking, I guess. All right. just keep walking. just, just keep walking. what are they laughing at? no, just, just- there you go. just stop right there. Yeah. that's good. great. No, just, there we go. I'm sorry. you're good where you are. wonderful shot. Anyway, I would like to say thank you to everybody. I love you, and I will miss all of you so much. for weekend update, I'm Seth Meyers. Thank you. thank you. thank you. |
ClickHole | need_a_pretzel_buddy_this_guy_has_you_covered | Hey, nice to meet you. Do you want to eat some pretzels together? What kind of pretzels you got there? Mm-hmm. Oh Yeah, yeah, I prefer the tiny twists myself, but you know, I like all types of pretzels It's nice eating pretzels with you.
So what's going on in your life? Anything new? Special? Hmm Yeah, I hear that.
Do you prefer Netflix or HBO? I have HBO because I want to watch Game of Thrones, but Netflix has better movies HBO is good movies, too I guess.
We're inside right now, but you know, we can eat pretzels anywhere. Where do you like to eat pretzels? I never would have thought of that. It's real nice to eat pretzels with you It's good to get away from it all and just be with a pretzel buddy once in a while, right? Top five pretzels, go.
Mm-hmm. Yep.
That's a great list. That's a real good list.
It's real good having a pretzel buddy like you You know, we don't have to talk. We can just sit and eat pretzels.
Or stand. Do you have something to drink? Go ahead, you can get something to drink.
I'll be here. Take your time. I'll be here. You got it yet? Okay I'm glad you're here pretzel buddy.
You know, some people prefer potato chips. They get so greasy. Who wants that? Let's crack open the sourdough. Oh, look at all that! I can barely get my mouth around one of these things. I'm gonna break it off into small chunks.
I'm glad you're here. Have you ever had any of those soft pretzels? What do you think of those? Really? Well, thanks for letting me know.
What do you put on a pretzel? Don't say mustard. Okay, you can say mustard. Those are some good ideas. I shouldn't expect anything less from my pretzel buddy.
I should call my parents. They're getting in the bathroom. Redone. She is not picking up. I'll just call back later. I hate leaving messages from my mom.
Back to pretzels. You didn't go away, did you? Do you know anybody who doesn't like pretzels? Well, I wouldn't be friends with them, much less a pretzel buddy.
What do you think's the best time of day for pretzels? Right in the morning or midday or at night? I could eat them at any time.
I'm glad you feel that way. I really appreciate our friendship.
I'd be there for you whenever pretzel buddy, and I'm glad you're there for me. I'm also glad we're eating pretzels. I have been burned by pretzel buddies in the past. But not you. You are a pretzel buddy. A true pretzel buddy.
What are you gonna do after we eat pretzels? Sounds like a great idea. Not enjoying you, but I'm just gonna have some more pretzels. I could go for a dessert pretzel. Maybe something chocolate covered. All I have here are Honey mustard pretzels, and they're sweet enough, I guess. When I go to the supermarket next time, I am definitely getting a chocolate covered pretzel. Well, I'm full. I think I ate too many pretzels.
Probably gonna go watch a movie or something. It was great seeing you pretzel buddy. I'll see you next week, right? Okay. Have a great day. |
TheOnion | White_House_Schedules_Key_Shoutings_With_Congressional_Leaders | The nation's psychiatrists are deeply concerned for the 5% of Americans who approve of Congress. The Nobel Prize in Chemistry is awarded to Taft Middle School teacher Mr. Ambler, and an airline pilot begins his initial descent into madness. Come closer friend and let us regale you with news stories beyond your wildest imagination. This is The Onion Week in Review.
White House officials announced a potential breakthrough in the recent debt crisis Friday as they revealed the scheduling of several key shoutings between President Obama and congressional leaders. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said both sides are optimistic about the upcoming rounds of shouting, and also noted the shoutings could include a significant amount of yelling, a small number of shrieked party slogans, and even a short period of incoherent grumbling. As always, President Obama is eager and ready to sit down with leaders across party lines, shout his political views directly into their faces, and has expressed optimism that they will then scream back at him in kind. We're confident all of this will be the round of loud, shrill shouting needed to get this government back on track.
Opening up for a revealing interview with Marie Claire Wednesday, First Lady Michelle Obama frankly discussed her marriage with President Barack Obama, saying their sex life, quote, has never been more open, more experimental, or more generous. Throughout the seven-page spread, the First Lady touched upon her recommendations for sexual positions, foreplay scenarios, and submission play. She also went into detail about her and the President's raw and unpredictable practices to achieve orgasm. It was refreshing to hear the First Lady be so candid about the passion of her relationship with the President, and the first time the Commander-in-Chief took a forceful and domineering approach to performing oral sex on her in the Lincoln bedroom. I just wish all First Ladies had been as honest and forthcoming about their sex lives as Michelle.
A study released Thursday by Princeton University's Department of Biology revealed that a local woodland chipmunk has crafted a far more secure and dependable plan for the future than eight out of ten Americans, with researchers remarking that in terms of his sheer ability to take an encompassing view of his life's trajectory and make practical decisions about it, the chipmunk was essentially unmatched by most Americans. In over 40 interviews, reporters found citizens repeatedly amazed at the chipmunk's unparalleled capacity to look days, weeks, and even months down the road to ensure his livelihood. Clearly this chipmunk is pretty impressive.
I mean, he wakes up every morning and says, I need to collect acorns and berries for the winter. He sets goals for himself and he gets it done. He knows what he wants. It's just that simple. He knows what he wants and he goes and gets it. He's preparing for winter, he's building a home, and he's trying to get enough nutrients to make it throughout the rest of the day.
All this while being worried about maybe getting eaten by a wolf or an owl or something. And in sports news, the Washington Redskins changed their name to the D.C. Redskins. In other news, congressional aides are withholding sex until a budget compromise is reached. An area family is putting away money to one day blow on a single health scare. And a fanatically devoted nerd could turn on Simon Pegg at any moment. As all great things draw to their end, so too must this web video. To continue experiencing the wonder that is breaking news coverage, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | auto_correct_love_song | hey baby hey boy what's she doing nothing what you doing thinking about you boo yeah what you thinking I thinking that you're so beautiful you're making mucus with your eyes whoops music damn phone telling you lie okay anyway girl do you think I have a shit I think we all have a shit whether or not you want to admit it damn I'm in shot do I have a shot with you I don't know boy why don't you tell me what you want to do well I started off slow maybe cock you up some food masturbate some chicken rose marinate not trying to be rude and maybe get a nice brew like a hermaphrodite whoa hold up man don't like hermaphrodite no oh sorry hi in the can I swear this phone really wants me to spend the night alone don't worry about that baby my phone does the same thing just tell me what you want to do after our dinner first things first stomach is some incest whoa nevermind creep huh ah man incense you know that stuff you burn it smells good damn you got me worried that your sister gives you wood no just my new phone my HIV gave it to me okay good night no wait my job gave it to me don't have a high-five girl you gotta trust me I do boo I do but concentrate on your phone keys I know I'm sorry girl didn't mean to confuse now let me tell you what I want to do I'm over you I'm the kind of man who isn't just looking a duck duck what the hell this duck your phone sucks anyway I want to play with your hair and rub on your toes I got a feed test for the type of thing though you should know like in a jar something cuz I ain't down with that a jar oh no I'm in fetish for toes and whatnot okay that's not as creepy and I like that you're being honest trust girl that's what it's all about if you let me own it you can hit it boy but first just tell me this you can have one wish tell me what it is if I had one wish I want the juice to your heart oh with the duck man keys just give me a friend start give me one more shit to prove to you that I'm not playing okay fine boy but you better refrain from the nasty shot you're saying whoops I didn't mean it girl I would never be so gross all this nasty talk is from the ain't no correct on my phone bye I don't know I don't correct ain't no correct shot |
TheOnion | Archaeologists_Uncover_Living_Guy_By_Mistake | A team of archaeologists have accidentally uncovered a living guy. The man found at a 2,000-year-old burial site in Utah has been identified as 37-year-old Greg Fantoni, who upon being unearthed immediately told the archaeologists, um, excuse me, someone's down here. Archaeologists were shocked by the discovery and apologized to the man after he berated them, saying that he, quote, "...doesn't try to excavate where they live, so why the hell would they where he does?" It's not clear what the man was doing under 5,000 pounds of soil, but he has since reburied himself.
The World Wildlife Fund has confirmed that the only remaining species on Earth are humans, pigeons, dandelions, and that's it. Humans, pigeons, and dandelions. And thanks to the hottest summer on record, conservationists say there aren't even many of those left. There was reportedly some crabgrass and horses last week, but unfortunately, those both died off too. And unfortunately, we just heard that a human ate the last dandelion. Here's to hoping that pigeons and humans hold on for a few more years.
Financial problems for Ron DeSantis have forced the Florida governor's presidential campaign to fire his wife. Calling it a, quote, "...tough decision," campaign officials said that the mother to DeSantis' three children was an unnecessary luxury at a time when the campaign needed to tighten its belt. Going forward, all Mrs. DeSantis' responsibilities as a supportive spouse who champions her husband will be divided among the remaining campaign staffers. And in additional steps to cut costs, the campaign has reported that it is already planning to replace DeSantis' children using AI.
Flat Earthers, why do you believe that the Earth is flat? What other shape could it possibly be? Rectangular? If it were truly round, then when I roll down a slope and go wee-ee-ee, I theoretically should never stop rolling. I should roll around and around the Earth in perpetuity going wee-ee-ee on my merry way forever. I've seen the edge of the Earth.
It's behind the 7-11 on Main and Juniper. I throw trash down there into outer space.
The sphere is a mythical shape invented by woke liberal cultists. Look, I'll believe anything to feel like I'm part of a community. It is flat, but not the way people think. It goes vertical, not horizontal. We're all balancing on a really small strip of Earth, and there are completely smooth sides that go really far down, but they are too steep and slippery to use. Simple, Jews. |
cracked | why_everyone_s_obsessed_with_pokemon_go_escort_mission | Oh, is that what you're playing now? Is this still basically a dog fighting sim? Behold. Huh? And no, it's not a dog fighting sim, it's an emotional journey. In Pokemon Go, what's combat? You just slap your hand against your phone screen until one of the creatures disappears, right?
Yeah, and I'm super good at it. You literally can't be bad at it.
Look, this is my Trico. He's called Clooney because he looks so much like George Clooney, obviously. And he is the very first Pokemon I ever caught in this game. Well, actually, he's the hundredth offspring of the first Pokemon I caught in this game because I wanted Clooney to have specific combat stats, and his dads weren't quite right.
Gotta suck that life force. You can suck your enemy's life force?
Well, yeah. I mean, for now, I'm not gonna keep that ability forever. Probably swap it around level 30, but that's the point, I have a whole plan. I could show you my Excel spreadsheet if you want.
Hard pass. Sounds like this isn't your first Pokey rodeo. No. Played through 51 times? Well, I don't know.
At least twice per game. Although, actually, this is the third time I've played through Pokemon Omega Ruby. Fifth time, if you count the two times I've played through Pokemon Ruby, since... This is just a remake of that. If you've already beat the game, then why would you...
Because it's not about beating the game, it's about building my team. You can build specific teams? How?
I thought you just caught them all, to be the very best, like no one ever was. You know, like the song. You gotta catch them all, to be the very best. And when you catch them all, you're better than the rest. Yeah, sure. Nominally, you catch them all. But that's just the flavor, man. The real strategy is picking which ones to train, and how you train them.
I'm lost. Okay, look.
So I'm just making Clooney only fight enemies that will develop his speed statistic until he is one of the lightning-ass *** and came piling out of their mother *** went for it and got it at the *** in awe. And then, I'm gonna train a water-type Pokemon to be his backup, in case we ever have to fight any fire-type Pokemon, because obviously, I mean, it's a bug-type Pokemon, Clooney's... Still just sounds like dogfighting, with some magic. No, it's nothing like... Look, I have to care for these Pokemon, very carefully. If I let Clooney lose too many matches, he won't like me anymore.
You're describing dogfighting. How do you know so much about dogfighting?
Don't ask me about my past, man.
The Roomie's Oath. Roomie's Oath. Oh, Roomie's Oath.
But the point is, strategy is still what's important. So you're telling me I'm playing this wrong? Because I've just been taking whichever one is the highest number floating above their head, and I make them fight. Here, check it out. I named this one Rucker Howard.
Nice, but Pokemon Go is still stupid. Because you can't develop a relationship with any of your Pokemon. You're constantly catching new ones. And the only way to level up is to spend points in real Pokemon? The strategy is complex and highly personalized. You can learn a lot about someone just by looking at their Pokedex.
Really? Yeah. Well, let me see. No. All right, but you show me yours first. Okay, yeah, whatever. All right.
I mean, that's a lot of Pidgey. All right, you're going to want to take all those, turn them into the Professor, who will melt them down into candy. Then, you take the last surviving Pidgey, and you force feed him all the melted corpses of his friends until he becomes a Pidgeotto. Repeat the process, and you get a Pidgeot.
Is every part of this game just some elaborate form of animal torture? Yes, but mine is more complex. Yeah, it's the complexity of the Force cannibalism that I was worried about.
Just go play your game of walking and imagination outside, all right? Meanwhile, I'm going to be here mastering my strategy, okay? Masks my strats. Getting my XL on. All right, whatever. See you later. Wait. How far are you going? I'm just going to go down to the bar to see if there's a... That's far enough. Here, my password is eggzecute. Pokemon Go should already be on. I thought you didn't want to. You don't have to play. Just leave it on. I'm trying to hatch a 10-kilometer egg, and I am not leaving the house today.
Okay, all right. Well, have at least a hug goodbye. Oh, come on. My laziness. You can do it. Oh, no. Here we go. Oh, the glam that hates hugging you. I think I pulled it. Okay.
You got to catch them all to be the very best. And when you catch them all, you're better than the rest. You're better than me. You're better than Michael. You're better than Greg. If you catch more than us, they'll love you more.
Bye-bye. Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | easter_wishes_cold_open_snl | And now, a message from the Easter Bunny. it's really me, the Easter Bunny. either that or you're at Coachella, and the shrooms are kicking in. How is everyone tonight? Well, it is Easter, a.k.a. warm Halloween. And I may not be the most a-list holiday character, but I am the freakiest. A man-sized bunny with no backstory. Who is he? Unlike Santa, I don't use enslaved elves to make my Easter baskets. I get them on Etsy because I support women and pretty little hobbies. Now, remember, the spirit of Easter is not about candy or eggs or even bunnies. it's about renewal and rebirth. that's why I've invited folks from all walks of life to share their hopes for this Easter season.
Take it away, Dr. Anthony Fauci. it's your boy Fauci. I know. I'm still here. Turns out, I'm like glitter. no matter how hard you try to get rid of me, I'm still in your hair and sometimes on your face. Now, trust me, I'm not here to give you any more covid guidance. I'm not stupid enough to think you're actually gonna follow it. All I'll say is that covid cases are a lot like Jesus. they've risen again. And don't worry, if you're vaccinated, you're gonna be fine. And if you're not vaccinated, I'm not supposed to say this. I honestly don't care what happens to you. have fun. I'm Marjorie Keller Green.
I've been saying aggressively to all my Jewish and Muslim colleagues, Happy Easter. Don't worry, this rifle's chocolate, but the bullets are real. Now, I'm worried about Easter. between the pastels and the jelly beans, this holiday has gotten a little too Lgbtqrst for me. And there is nothing guy about Easter. a day when a bunch of male priests worship a shirtless guy with great abs and talk about wanting to eat his body. that's straight stuff. So, Happy Easter and God Bless Russia. I mean, America. they're kind of both, right?
Uh-oh, it's me, Ed Gaddams. And don't adjust your television set. I am just handsome, you understand? Spring is sprung, New York. And I'm also sprung, too, looking at all these baddies and sundressers. Nah, nah, I'm just playing, unless you like that. But for real, this Easter, I got the best news of all New York. We got him. we got the shooter. sure, it took 30 hours, and the suspect turned himself in, but we got case closed, subways fixed, ride without fear. And I'm not just holding a press conference about this, either. I'm throwing a parade, y'all, like we do with the Yankees, win the World Series or when the Mets finish the season. in conclusion, shooter caught, sexy back, violent crime way up. bitch, I'm from New York. it's Eric Gaddams. I run this town.
Bye. hello. Okay, so I am Elon Musk, and I am here to officially buy Easter. I am offering 43 billion peeps. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. that was a joke. ha, ha, ha. do you get it? that's why afterwards I say that was a joke, so you know it was a joke. Look, I know people don't want me to buy Twitter, but why? you're worried I'll make Twitter bad? what are you scared I'll buy next? the Oscars? ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. that was a joke. Hey, y'all, it's me, Brittany, and I bet you didn't think I could do this. six months ago when everyone was like, we need to get her out of this conservatorship, and now you're like, someone's still going to check on her, right? well, don't worry, I'm finally free, and I'm having a baby. Let's pray my baby is born happy, healthy, and with the power of attorney. Happy Easter, everyone. And hey, it's me, Jesus Christ. just kidding, I'm Jared Leto. awarding the Kids' Choice awards. you know, my Easter message this year is simple, positivity.
So if you go to see my new movie, Morbius, please don't review it. if you're the kind of person who reviews movies, Morbius chooses it for you. Anyway, I'll see you on the big screen and the two little screens behind your eyelids when you go to sleep. Love you.
Wow. so many fascinating viewpoints. I guess it's true what they say. Spring is a beautiful reminder of what change can bring.
Excuse me. excuse me. excuse me. I was told we were doing Easter wishes and I was not given my turn. This is very, very unfair. Another example of how whites are being treated horribly in this country.
All right, fine, go ahead. Easter is time for basket, it's time for bunny, and frankly, bonnet, Okay? And let's not forget, let's not forget egg. you have Easter Egg, Cadbury Egg, and my favorite, Reese's Egg. you know, Reese's Egg, it doesn't look like an egg, But I like Reese. I'm very good friends with Reese. our wives are very good friends. You know what Reese always says? Reese says, not sorry. Reese says in a very deep voice, this is true, he says, not sorry. and it's good. we don't like food to apologize, do we? like that awful cap'n crunch. he was very rude to me at Count Chocula's 500th birthday. you know, he was doing oops, all berries. they say oops all berries now. you're hearing it all the time, oops, all berries. like it's a bad thing, Okay? why say oops? We love our crunch berries, our berries are beautiful. berries are very beautiful. I've heard we have the best berries, right, Mr. Bunny?
What the hell are you talking about? And some people are saying, I'm not healthy, Okay? I'm in very good health.
I do wonderful with health, Okay? healthy as a horse, like sea biscuit. I sea biscuit and I eat biscuit. Frankly, we're doing great things with biscuit and with bun and bread. You know, we're doing crazy bread.
Little Caesars. I've known Little Caesar for a very long time. I actually told him. This is true, I actually told Little Caesar. I said, I told him to say pizza, Pizza, Okay? He used to say it once and I said, we should be saying it twice. we should say it twice.
Okay, I'm actually just gonna walk away. You win, you can have it. And you know what?
I would love to be Bunny. I would be so good with Bunny because I've told America Covid would be over by Easter.
I just didn't say which one, Okay? I didn't say which one was which one.
So say it with me, everyone. Happy Easter And. Live from New York, it's Saturday night! |
SaturdayNightLive | sexist_director_saturday_night_live | You sure I can't get you any breakfast, Amy? coffee, anything? no, nothing.
I think I'm just a little nervous about meeting Mr. Prescott. Oh, Frank, he's a great guy. best director I've ever worked with. I just love his movies. when I was a little girl, they showed Beloved Stranger on Tv. that really changed my life. Great movie, great film. it made me want to become an actress. all of his films have this wonderful understanding of women's emotions. Absolutely. he's kind of a man's man in a lot of ways, but he's great with actresses, and I think you'll like him. And I think he's coming right now.
Hey, Gino. morning, Boss. hey, how you doing? give me some sugar here. who's your pretty friend? Amy Tompkins, Mr. Prescott. I know who you are. I was just teasing you. you happen to be, in this old hack's opinion, one of the finest actresses working today. Oh, Mr. Prescott.
Frank. Frank, Amy. Amy. Gino.
Boss. let's get Peter and skip looking to line up, will you? Friday. I just want you to know what an honor it is to work with you. Listen, I'd just like to thank you for giving me this chance. I know you pulled some strings to get me on this picture, and I sure do appreciate it. Morning, boys. let's make a movie. Ok. and the son of a bitch hasn't called you in three weeks, so you're going to call him because you're afraid you might be knocked up and you're pissed off, And action. um, could I just have a minute? we're just walking through it for camera, honey.
I know. I just, um, ok.
Ok, so should I enter from the kitchen and go to the phone? Oh, I don't care where you come from, sweetie. my shot starts at the phone, all right? And action. damned answering machine. you bet I'll leave a message at the beam. one of you boys bring a tree frog to work with you this morning. All right, let's go, Peaches, from where you're leaving the message and action. Frank, could I start from the top, please, from the dialing?
Oh, just check that kick, boy. Yeah, honey, um, the movie's not about dialing, you see. it's about your pretty puss, right? yeah, I'd like to do it from the top, please. please, help me get a handle on it. Oh, all right. lady needs a handle on it. Well, Ok. from the top, then, and action. I got something with a handle on it for her. What? I was talking to my crew, Missy, trying to find out if the shot's going to work or not. you know something, it's 7.35 Am. by this time, most professionals got a little something on film. Now, I know you've had a couple of hits in the past few years, but I've accidentally inhaled more film than you've ever had your face on. I'm not saying. Now, let's just collect ourselves and take it again, shall we, little girl? And action. with a big handle on it.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't do this. uh-oh, uh-oh, check your calendars, boys. Think we've got a little female lunar inadequacy here. Mr. Prescott, you are, without a doubt, the most obnoxious, vile, and stupid man I have ever encountered, on or off a sound stage. I went out on a limb for you, and now I feel like a fool. I can't believe it. roll him, Gino. keep rolling. start going. Amy, action. damn answering machine. you bet I'll leave a message at the peep.
Eddie, are you there? we've got to talk about something, Eddie. something that could put two lives on hold for quite a while. And we've got to talk about trust, Eddie, and responsibility. Just call me, Eddie. you owe me that much.
And cut. I'm shaking. that's great. that's a print. Oh, I never really knew what that scene was about before.
Frank, thank you. bless you. is he all right? Oh, yeah. I don't think we'll get much more out of him today, though. hey, you want me to call your driver? Sure. is he always like this? Yeah, that's why he doesn't get more work. he's great with actresses, though. yeah, he really seems to understand.
I'll be in my trailer. Great. that's a wrap, everybody. Thank you. thank you. thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | speaking_freely_james_brown_snl | And now, speaking freely with your host, Edwin Newman. Hello, I'm Edwin Newman. speaking freely tonight is a man who has been referred to as the hardest working man in show Business and the Godfather of Soul. I'm speaking, of course, of James Brown. Thank you for being with us tonight, Mr. Brown.
Ha! ha! ha! look at that! ha! Mr. Brown, your career has spanned almost three decades, and yet your style has remained intact and constant. that's because, ha, I'm a man, still a man, M.a.n. And yet, in the 70s, or maybe it was the late 60s, you abruptly became political, and you openly endorsed candidates such as Hubert Humphrey. Now, why did you do that? the public's got a brand new bag. Ha, ha, ha! I got the, got the, got the, ha! will you now retire?
Please! please! please! I want soul music! give it up! I'll turn it loose! There is a school of thought, I'm sure you know about it, a school of thought that soul music, as a dominant force in music, has been eclipsed. Ha, ha! no more soul music! it's a man's world called a Superman!
I got you! feel good! Ha! ha! I think our time is up. James Brown has been speaking freely. Edward Neumann, Nbc News. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_woman_who_is_aging_gracefully_on_confidence_snl | Well guys, my prayers have been answered and the Abc has officially announced they'll be making a season of the Golden Bachelorette.
Here to provide tips on having confidence at any age is a woman who's aging gracefully. My age, God, that's my age. Oh, no thank you. Great, because I always say a woman's age is like a speed limit. ignore it, unless you're on a school zone. what are you talking about? Anyway, you're here to share tips for women to feel confident at any age.
Oh yeah, it's all about working. let's go on. You know, some of these girls today have had so much work done. I'm like, what are you, Macondo? right, right, because you're aging gracefully. Exactly, And that's why I just do the little stuff. a little botox hair, a little juvederm hair. my ears have been lowered and my brows are my pubes.
Oh my God. you don't get that. you're not a woman. Yeah, I don't think I really want to get it.
So with the new season of the show coming out, what would your advice be for the new Golden Bachelorette? Well, Colin, when it comes out locking down a man, always add those three things. keep their bellies full of the game on and don't whine. that sounds like terrible advice. All right, and if we're going to get work done, be like my condo. just own it. shout out to my condo.
All right, so when I get tweaks, I admit it. like, I'll admit, I've had the surgeon take a little off my ass and put it in my lips, but he promised if I taste crap, he'll put it back. So far, no crap. Yeah, it's genuinely disgusting. All right, you don't get it. you're not a lemon. plastic surgery is like a Jenga tower. take a loose piece from the bottom, put it on top, and then one day, bam, a little hole falls apart. guess what I'd call it? then add 10. I don't really want to play this game.
Well, when it comes to men, just remember these 10 things.: 10? keep the bread stocks, bellies full, laugh at its jokes, don't tell stories, make dinner, don't vote, make lunch, and take it from me, Don't sleep with a son. did you sleep with someone's son? you know, it's so sad. some of these girls, they're flying all the way out of Brazil, so they got a new booty. when you can drive 20 minutes from the mechanic, put on nipple replacement. I'm sorry, a nipple replacement? that's right, and they came from a guy, so now I can show my rack on Tv. don't be shocked, please leave your shirt on. I have to say, for someone who's aging gracefully, you've had a lot of work done. Well, it's not work if it's working. Shout out to my cons.: these are donor eyes. they're donor eyes? I know, right? And when it comes to guys, just remember these 40 things.: Tv in the bedroom, beer fridge in the bathroom, don't sleep with his daughter, burn your books, and if you're gonna sleep with his son, don't fall in love.
Guess my age. your age, I don't know, 63? Oh, flip the numbers and add a zero. So, 360? Oh, a 360?
I thought you'd never ask. Kinder Klitz? I'm a plastic surgeon who works at office. he works at office at a woman aging gracefully, everyone. I lied, I really lied. |
dropout | the_roast_of_amir_blumenfeld_part_1 | I'll get started now tonight we are gonna get to know Amir the man a lot of you know Amir the character co-star of the popular web series boring one and the annoying retard now Amir was one of the original College Humor staff members along with myself and Jeff and Sarah but he has since become easily the most famous person from our little crew and I really think there's a good reason for that while we were busy building the website Amir made his own videos and didn't help anyone out some exciting news actually some of you may may know this already Amir has a big part in the next Harold and Kumar movie that's true that's very true I think it was smart for Amir to wait until the until the series got a really good before he put his name on it I think to be perfectly honest we're all little jealous and we're all little envious that our good friend Amir has taken the next big career step in doing straight to DVD movies you know Streeters gonna be sweating tonight because he is alive and breathing Streeter only came tonight because he thought we were actually eating a roast but that's okay Pat's only here because he has nowhere else to go I wish Jake could have been here apparently he heard that Amir would just be sitting here and listening to other people be funny and he said well then what am I supposed to do oh wait wait wait wait a second isn't there is there a new episode of pranked on tonight there is there's a new at all my god I'm missing it that's every single one so far I have to get TiVo hey Amir this roast gives me a great idea for an episode of Jake and Amir like you guys could be at a roast or something right and then you do something like childish and naive and then Jake gets annoyed about it call Ben Schwartz we can make it a two-parter it's it's hard to roast Amir because none of us know who he is Amir is he's maxed out on Facebook friends and minned out on real-life friends Amir doesn't do too well with the ladies on a on a scale of Jeff to Jake he's a pat Amir was he was just cast in Harold and Kumar which is very exciting it's gonna be in 3d that's true we're all looking forward to seeing what he looks like with some depth you know seriously Amir runs marathons and when I asked him why he said it's because he likes doing the same thing over and over again until it becomes tired and monotonous he also said he likes being a number you know just a face in a crowd completely undistincts and unrecognizable David young is here |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_julie_taymor_saturday_night_live | This week, it was reported that Julie Tamer, best known for directing The Lion King, was fired from Spider-man's Turn Off The Dark. here to comment, Julie Tamer. Ooh! ah! la, la, la, la, la. la, la, la, la, La. Ooh! Ooh! that was me. Okay, that's great, but. you know, I remember you did The Lion King, but I thought we could talk about Spider-man for a moment. Oh. okay. now, I know you've had a really difficult time with this show, bad reviews, injuries. Seth, no one said this was going to be easy. it's like I say to my actors, look Out! Get Out Of There! ["laughter"] Julie, you've done so many amazing things. The Tempest across the Universe. Why do you think you're having so much trouble with Spider-man? Well, I have a theory. you know how it's bad luck to say Macbeth in the theater? Yes. Oh, well, the people in charge of our props were named Mac and Beth. Well, now, aside from the injuries, some critics are saying that you don't know anything about the source material.
I know everything there is to know about the Spider-man. I know about his arch-nemesis, The Green Gobbler. I know Spider-man's secret identity is Peter Jessica Parker.
I think you may have a couple of facts wrong there. Seth, like we say in The Lion King, Hakuna Matata. I wrote that, you know. uh, I think Elton John wrote that.
Shelton? Who? What? So, what's next for Julie Tamer?
Well, I just want to get back to simple theater, you know, that connects with the audience. So, I'm helping my niece with her high school production of Our Town. Oh, that's nice. how's it going? we're having a little trouble with the jetpacks. Oh, no. and we're just a smidge of her budget. Oh, how much? like $44 million. Oh, no. But like I told the young actress playing Emily, look out, you're gonna die! Well, it sounds like you landed your feet.
I'm glad you're, you know, taking your fire from Spider-man so well. Well, you know what? it's their loss. because I had just written a new show-stopping song for Spider-man to end the first act. it's called Rise Above. Rise Above, your dreams are up above you. fly so high like a spider. Oh, no, these microwaves are turning me into a spider plant. Hey, Spider-man, what you doing over there? beating up the bad guys.
What do you care? can you feel the world tonight? it's coming from the real world. Julie, Tamar, everybody. Yeah! yeah! yeah! |
TheOnion | Shelby_Cross_Instructs_Viewers_To_Build_Justice_Shed | This is the Onion News Network, telling you what we want you to know. Everyone needs to get a justice shed. So you have a place to throw that little juvenile delinquent you caught loitering out on the street corner, or to throw those illegal immigrants you and your neighbors round up outside the hardware store. This is not rocket science, people. If you don't already have a shed, or you're not handy with the tools, hop on down to the hardware store and pick one up.
The police can only do so much, people. They are bogged down with things like finding evidence to prove someone's guilty. But look, when I see somebody I don't trust, I don't have time for all that red tape.
I just call up my neighbors, Frank and Terry. We get out there with baseball bats, fishing nets, and we knock that suspect out. And we toss him in our justice shed. And then it's up to us, whether we call the authorities or we just start dealing out some shovel beatings.
That's democracy, people. If you don't have to limit yourself to one shed, sky's the limit. We have one viewer, this Randall F. in Branson, Missouri. He made himself a maximum security shed and a juvie shed. How about that? That's the biggest benefit of the justice shed, people. You are in charge. Now since I've started this campaign, I have received hundreds of thank yous from people all across this country who are much safer because they made a justice shed. I want you to take a look at these. Uh, Shelby, this is the 25th criminal we've caught. We just wanted you to see us throw him in our justice shed.
Get up!
Shelby, our justice shed was all filled up, so we created this justice cage. That's just as good. These guys, I think we caught them shoplifting, and this is my daughter's boyfriend. Shelby, just wanted to show you the justice shed we got going. My buddy's car got stolen and someone told us it was someone wearing a blue or red shirt that did it, so we've been rounding up anyone matching that description. So far, none of them's confessed, but we're going to start shooting some BBs in there pretty soon and we're pretty sure one of them's going to break. If you don't have a yard big enough to place a justice shed in, go out and get yourself a justice barrel.
I don't care. The important thing is to take control of your safety by any means necessary.
After a week-long search, 20-year-old honors student Melissa Clark has been found dead, brutally murdered by... Hey, I found the body of the missing sorority girl. Let's do the autopsy! |
dropout | hardly_working_federal_maaashhhals | No, that's just it. Bruce Wills had to blow up the asteroid. It would destroy Earth.
Yeah, but Ben Affleck drew the short straw, so he should've- Huh!
Stay back, partners! We are duly appointed federal marshals! Fuck me, Paul Bassett is dead of the nayrod fan of Fenway.
Go socks!
Ew, what's going on here? Sit down and shut up! Oh, you marshal, my car! This is my partner, Marshall Kyle Mack. We are down for the Boston division here to investigate the murder of this man, Harvey Marshall. Uh, I'm sorry, what was that? Harvey Marshall! You seem pretty interested in his name for someone who didn't bash his brains in like a couple of call Fisko Socko Socks. No, no, no, I just didn't understand what you were saying. Yeah, we are completely innocent! He's telling the truth, okay? We were just parking our car. Well, we'll have to investigate this guy! Is Cap half half? Uh, I'm sorry, what was that? Answer, Marshall Mack! Was the care, Bob fair?
Uh, uh, the car? The car is in the garage. Well, was Harvey Marshall in the car when you fucked it in a gag rack?
What? Why are you hitting me? She's the one who didn't answer you. And are those supposed to be Boston accents? They don't sound... If you're really innocent, answer this question.
Did you, David Young, have a car? And a car? A car?
Um... Yes? Alright, well sorry to bother you. You two have a pleasant rest of your day. And don't forget to, uh, ha, ca, fa, fa. Okay. Look!
Yes, go Sacks! Go Sacks! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_192_Dasha_Nekrasova | Now, we'll just begin today's podcast by prefacing it with a bit of an explanation as to who this guest is. If you're sitting out there in the tractor and you aren't familiar with this woman's work, her name is Dasha Nekrasova, she is a Brooklyn, New York-based filmmaker, screenplay writer, and of course, actor. She stars in Succession on HBO, incredible series.
You've been watching that one, Errol? I haven't, no. I don't have a television. You've spent enough time working around the Murdochs in your career. Yeah, mate. I don't need any soap opera for me, mate. Maybe for you regional journalists, but for real journalists like me, mate, I've done this stuff. Well, it's all there now on HBO or Binge or wherever the hell you're getting it, Foxtel in Australia.
Some people are getting it through more unorthodox means, but great program. And she's actually been kind enough to be interviewed by us today. Now, she also is the co-host of a counter-cultural podcast, quite a popular one in the shape of the Red Scare podcast. It's actually quite interesting stuff. Yeah, very anti-establishment and, you know, big, I guess you'd say, bastion of free speech in the podcast realm, the Red Scare podcast. Now, Dasha has made it clear on her podcast over the years that she actually dislikes Australians like a lot of New Yorkers do. There's plenty of us over there and we love talking about ourselves and getting drunk and getting rowdy. So very kind of her to be interviewed by us. And also, as you'll hear in this interview, very kind of her to be patient with us as we ask her questions about the indie film industry, which we know little about.
The last indie film I watched was The Nugget, starring Eric Bana. It certainly has nothing on her new movie, which is out soon.
So please enjoy this interview with Dasha Nekrasova. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Radio Show, recording live here from downtown Batutah in the Old City District, Desert Rock FM Studios. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill and, of course, Errol Parker, Editor-at-Large.
How are you, Errol? I'm alright, mate. Good morning. Yeah, it's going alright.
Silly season's here. It's starting to heat up. Plenty of rain, so everyone seems to be happy. We are quite happy, too.
I guess you could say, you know, a lot of farmers out there bringing in a harvest, you know. As long as the farmers are happy, mate, the country's happy. Cattle prices are good. Beef prices are good. So long as China's still going to keep buying that off us, things that we're doing alright.
We've had a bit of a coo of our own here at the Batutah Advocate in the shape of today's guest on the podcast. Very, very lucky to get our interview locked in with today's guest, Dasha Nekrasova.
Hi. Thank you for joining us. Big fans of your stuff, big fans of the podcast that you run, Red Scare. You've been described in a similar kind of description that you get, as we get, of what was it that we read there in our research, was that you are a hero, an icon on certain quarters of the internet, which is basically how people describe us as well. So, lovely to meet you. And thanks. I haven't been. Thank you. Thanks for having me.
Now, an interesting thing happened this week in Australian media, where one of the major TV networks paid a million dollars for an interview with Adele. Really? Yeah. She's an English pop star. Yeah, yeah. And they sent an entertainment reporter, who looks and sounds exactly like you imagine right now, over to London to interview her. And Adele walked out within 10 minutes when it was revealed that he had not listened to her album, which is just so classic. Wow. Classic Australia.
But luckily, your distributor was kind enough to send us a screener, which I watched last night of your new film, Scary of 61st. And I thought it was such a breath of fresh air. I mean, like how it was almost like it was filmed on like a 16 millimetre. It just had this really warm, but also very familiar, but retro feel to it.
Did you start out to achieve that when you started to make it? Um, yeah, I mean, I did shoot it on 16 millimetres. Well, there you go.
No, well, I just thought like in this day and age where everything is digital, and you can just put a filter over the top. It's actually quite refreshing to hear that there are still films being made in 16 millimetre. Thank you. Yeah, I don't believe that you can make digital really look like 16 with intense filtration. Yeah, we can put a man on the moon, but we can't make a digital camera look like 16 millimetre.
Now, you are a director and star in this film that you've put together. How did you put this together? You know, before that, how did you kind of rally the people around you that you needed to get this done?
Because our understanding and our following of you over the years, you've been some sort of a commentator. And now it's a filmmaker. Have you made many films before this one? No, this is my first feature, but I was an actress prior and had acted in a bunch of low budget movies that opted or made sort of collaboratively. So I've worked, you know, in film and so knew a lot of people in my cinematographer, Hunter Zimney, I had worked with before, prior on, like, as an actress. Maddie, my co-writer, I've known for like a decade, basically. And we're all sort of in this, like, New York filmmaker muyu. So my sound guy is like, someone else that I've known for years.
So they were like, accessible. Yeah.
In your opinion, what draws creative people to New York? I mean, you know, from our perspective, you know, if you want to get into film and television in a big way, then you go over to Los Angeles. But there always seems like there's like a splinter cell of a really deep and burgeoning creative scene in New York. So how, what makes New York different to anywhere else in the world?
I don't know.
I mean, I lived in LA for a long time before coming to New York. I lived in LA for about five years and found it very challenging.
In New York, I just felt much more, I don't know, maybe because there's a lot of like, gay guys or Jewish guys, Jewish people in general, I have, you know, I'm Eastern European. So there's more of like a shared cultural understanding. It just feels more like my rhythm. I can't, you know, a lot of people are drawn to New York for a lot of different reasons. But that's, for me, it just is a has been a better fit.
Now, you're talking about the kind of melting pot of kind of film and creatives that you know, in New York, and how they were accessible. And, and that's how you got this movie moving. What I want to talk to you is about the some of the themes that are within your film. I mean, I'm very, very excited that you're touching and playing with all this stuff. Almost like this Epstein fanfiction. How does it feel to be in an industry that is an arm's length from that kind of story? And then also telling a story about that? You mean because of the pedophilia and Yeah, just because of New York and how he's around and a lot of people in film and cinema kind of had things to do with him.
I mean, it's, people would be scared to make a joke about that at the Oscars. Yeah, like, we're only going off what Ricky Gervais has had to say, because that's really the only thing that makes news here, you know, is when someone, you know, speaks out of school, really.
I mean, an indie movie. It's an indie movie.
So you're not worried about having to deal with friends and the like, that might have actually been on the boat or been on the plane. Yeah, I don't know anyone who's been on the Lolita Express. Not worried about hurting their feelings.
I was gonna say, for years, we have followed you on the Red Scare podcast that you host with co host Anna. And seeing you this year on Succession, that was similar to the last question I asked, it's like you kind of dominate the space online as a commentator on with a podcast that really challenges the establishment, particularly the, you know, corporate creative world. How does it feel to kind of now be, you know, on these major productions? I mean, I know your films independent, but something like Succession is, you know, quite, probably surrounded by a lot of people that would be challenged by some of the things you talk about each week. Well, Succession is primarily UK based.
Yeah, even though it's a bunch of Americans and English people who are pretending to be Australians, and down here, it's it's a deeply offensive series down here. You mean Australians pretending to be?
Well, yes, Sarah Snodt. Yeah, but Rupert Murdoch was our claim to fame, and they've turned him into a Scotsman. Yeah, right. All right, well, and Succession has its own sort of, you know, critiques of the creative corporate class and the corporate class at large, I don't think it's like that much of a, it's not like I'm on like Handmaid's Tale or something, you know, and I've been a fan of Succession since before I was on it, and feel pretty, I don't know, I think everyone really liked me because I was a delightful, well mannered actress. And not, you know, I'm not always like a rabid provocateur everywhere I go, multifaceted. Yeah, we've, we've really had to tone it in when we start meeting people from the top end of town as well with the Batutah Advocate, we just got to rein it in, behave, and that's all part of the game, right? But now what are you feeling and seeing now with the, with your film you've made?
What would the genre that people have kind of put on this? And what would the genre that you would have put on this be?
It's a horror movie. It's like a psychological, psychosexual thriller, I guess. Obviously it's very funny, but I don't know if I would call it like a horror comedy because that just has different connotations that don't really apply. Yeah, not like scary movie or one of the great horror comedies. It's a thriller?
Is that another term you'd put on it? Yeah, 100%.
Like, you really have to be engaged in the story to really understand it and it draws you in. It's, but like, in terms of film is quite different premise.
Did you ever have any doubts about sort of basing it around Jeffrey Epstein? Or was this just an absolute, like, once you had the idea, you just went for it? Yeah, we always knew it was going to be about Jeffrey Epstein.
That was kind of the futile idea. Yeah. You know, but then it was just about figuring out, yeah, how to tell a story. It wasn't an afterthought. Yeah. I only if only there was like a notorious pedophile billionaire who died in jail that I could... No real point in making a fictional version of that. Yeah.
Was it great fun making it as your first kind of feature? Was it was a great fun?
Production was fun, but stressful. Pre-production was pretty stressful. Cutting it with Sophie was fun. But in general, there was a lot of like, you know, making indie movies is really hard. So there was a lot of like, stressful parts to it.
Yeah. That were not great fun. Yeah, okay. I mean, with your earlier stuff, you know, I'm guessing a few short films in the mix there.
Did you ever see yourself knuckling down and doing something like that? Did you ever see yourself doing a something so stressful? Did you always envision it would be like what you were kind of dreaming about?
Was anything shattered in making a feature length film? You know what I mean? Like, as a young writer, you think you're just going to be on the beat, chasing stories. And then you end up in a newsroom and only doing late night shifts. Was there anything was like with the romantic romanticism of making a feature length, you know, was there something that kind of changed there? No, I don't think I had any delusions about what it would be like because I had acted in so many little indie movies and stuff, which yeah, so I was well acquainted with with the challenges.
And have you got any have you got any plans? Do you reckon you could get a feature done a year from moving moving forward? Or what's what's the plans from here? I mean, I made this one so quickly. I started writing it in September shot it in January of 2020. So I think it would be nice to just work a little meticulous a little more meticulously, and with a little less pressure on myself. So probably not like within the year, but maybe in 2023. Was this a big pandemic rush of inspiration? Was it one of those kind of was it one of those kind of projects? Where you was it was locked down play any part and you sitting down and putting this together as you said, September 2020?
No, no, no, September 2019. Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry. Steam died in August of 2020. Yeah. Or 2019. Sorry.
And then we started writing it in September and then shot it in January. Right before the pandemic. Yeah. Yeah, because we've basically been in one giant kind of lockdown because we had the bushfires before the virus. So basically, everyone's been indoors since 2019. So well, you know, colony, so you guys are used to it. Yeah.
And we love being legislated. So that's also your favorite thing.
Yeah, it's, it is interesting watching the fringes of society trying to protest against these rolling lockdowns and pandemic bills because there's not many of them. Like, we definitely don't have a tea party pushing back. It's more like no, we just have like 150 people, a huge government, which is like, stay home, and we'll pay your entire wage for two years.
It's like, okay. Goodbye. Yeah, we cured poverty for one year. But now we're back.
Thank you for joining us. We we know you're on the junket. It's been great speaking to you. And all the best with this film. And we look forward to more from you. All right. Thank you very nice to meet you.
Put on it. Yeah, 100% like you really have to be engaged in the story to really understand it. And it draws you in. It's but like, in terms of film is quite different premise.
Did you ever have any doubts about sort of basing it around Jeffrey Epstein? Or was this just an absolute like once you had the idea, you just went for it? Yeah, we always knew it was going to be about Jeffrey Epstein.
That was kind of the fetal idea. Yeah. You know, but then it was just about figuring out. Yeah, how to tell a story. It wasn't an afterthought. Only fully there was like a notorious pedophile billionaire who died in jail. No real point making a fictional version of that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Was it great fun making it as your first kind of feature? Was it was a great fun? Production was fun, but stressful pre production was pretty stressful. Cutting it with Sophie was fun.
But in general, there was a lot of like, you know, making indie movies is really hard. So there was a lot of like stressful parts to it.
Yeah, we're not great fun. Yeah. Okay.
I mean, with your earlier stuff, you know, I'm guessing few short films in the mix there. Did you ever see yourself knuckling down and doing something like that? Did you ever see yourself doing a something so stressful? Did you always envision it would be like what you were kind of dreaming about? Was anything shattered in making a feature length film? You know what I mean? Like, as a young writer, you think you're just going to be on the beat, chasing stories. And then you end up in a newsroom and you're doing late night shifts was anything was like with a roommate romanticism of making a feature length. You know, was there something that kind of changed there? No, I don't think I had any delusions about what it would be like because I had acted in so many little indie movies and stuff, which yeah, so I was well acquainted with with the challenges.
Yeah. And have you got any have you got any plans? Do you reckon you could get a feature done a year from moving moving forward? Or what's what's the plans from here? I mean, I made this one so quickly. I started writing it in September shot it in January of 2020. So I think it would be nice to just work a little meticulous a little more meticulously, and with a little less pressure on myself. So probably not like within the year, but maybe in 2023. Yeah. Was this a big pandemic rush of inspiration? Was it one of those kind of was one of those kind of projects? Where you was it was locked down play any part and you sitting down and putting this together as you said, September 2020?
No, no, no, September 2019. Oh, sorry. So Epstein died in August of 2020. Yeah. Or 2019. Sorry.
And then we started writing it in September and then shot it in January. Right before the pandemic. Yeah. Yeah, because we've basically been in one giant kind of lockdown because we had the bushfires before the virus. So basically, everyone's been indoors since 2019. So well, you know, colony, so you guys are used to it. Yeah.
And we love being legislated. So that's also your favorite thing.
Yeah, it's, it is interesting watching the fringes of society trying to protest against these rolling lockdowns and pandemic bills, because there's not many of them. Like, we definitely don't have a tea party pushing back. It's more like no, we just have like 150 people, a huge government, which is like, stay home, and we'll pay your entire wage for two years.
It's like, okay. Goodbye. Yeah, we cured poverty for one year. But now we're back.
Thank you for joining us. We we know you're on the junket. It's been great speaking to you. And and all the best with this film. And we look forward to more from you. Alright, thank you very nice to meet you. |
dropout | emergency_tattoo | Oh my god, what? I have a date with the hottest guy in the world! You have a date with the hottest guy in the world? Yes, I have a date with the hottest guy in the world!
But the problem is, we fell in love and I told him I have full arm tattoos! But Lindsay, you don't have full arm tattoos! Oh no, I don't have full arm tattoos!
Get on the table and get on it now! Okay! Lindsay, we're going to get you those tattoos you need. All we need is this tape, these markers, and this knife. Okay, take off your shirt, I'm going to go get prepped. Josh! Yeah? God bless you! Okay, okay, okay! Let's do this! Oh god, yes! Let's do this!
Okay, Lindsay, you gotta tell me exactly what you told him was on your arm! Okay, I need, um, oh god, what did I tell him?
I need a bear! Okay, I need a bear!
It has to have some eyes! Ow! How many eyes? Fourteen! One, two, three, four, five, six! Okay, and that's me! That's me, a dolphin, okay? I'm still on the eyes! Fourteen! What else you got? A dolphin has to jump over water!
What type of water? A tributary? A creek? A river? What are we talking about?
Three little waves! Okay, and it's working!
Rushmore! Where is it? Where's Rushmore? Where's Rushmore?!
I'm just gonna do it in your armpit. Okay, Lincoln... Lincoln, Washington... Ow!
Is it, is it Taft? I'm going with Taft. Taft?
Alright. Okay, your first arm's complete. You remember what's on your second? Oh god, there's a second! |
dropout | bleep_bloop_cybermania_94 | Welcome to Bleep Bloop. I am Jeff here with Owen and Pat.
Today we were going to play with the Sega Activator, but we couldn't get it working. So instead we are watching CyberMania 94. CyberMania 94, the ultimate gamer awards on DBS. All your favorite games in one wild interactive event.
I don't remember the 90s being this 90s-y. Now please welcome your very live and very interactive hosts, Leslie Nielsen and Jonathan Taylor-Thomas. It's such a weird pairing. I expected when they touched that it would be like a time cop and they would just like have some sort of weird paradox.
Yeah, this is like a New Year's political cartoon where like the old year welcomes in the young year. Rough evening we'll be cutting away to the new arcade mechas of America to see how gamers across the country are rooting for their favorites. You could just hear his parents stealing all the money for this.
He is very professional up there. Yes, you're right, he's very dignified. Yeah, same as very seriously. He's better than this guy.
Virtual land at the world-famous Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. Whereas the name implies it's virtually a land filled with every conceivable interactive and video game known to man.
When were turtlenecks and blazers? Like was that a thing? I don't think that was even a thing before that was not a thing. Was it your favorite game?
Okay, wonderful. That's terrific. Great.
We got all the video games. No one's responding to it all at NBA Jam. As you can see, people of all races love video games.
I don't know, I don't just try to fit in here. Help. Someone pay attention to me. Turn around. No, this is a basketball thing. The culture's moving so fast. I don't even know. I've just been informed I have to take this turtleneck off. It's no longer fashionable. Back to you guys.
To present this evening's first award, Best Action Adventure, the guy who likes to kick back and relax with his friends and again, well, he just likes to kick. Please welcome from the hit series Friends, Matthew Perry and the next karate kid, Hilary Swank. Matthew Perry is a pretty big get in 1994. And Hilary Swank? Who knew Hilary Swank? Action, thrills, and adventures have been mainstays of the entertainment industry from the earliest days of silent movies like Great Train Robbery to current hits like Timecop. Yeah, someone definitely saw this. She could play a boy. The nominees for the Best Action Adventure are...
Doom. This is a lot. This one's a lot. Mega Race. Hit the road jack. Fast and oh yes.
Boys Don't Cry. Every other computer geek has anger that he stole the tuxedo with sneakers. Look. Man, the after party, he's trying to clean and unbelog the tuxedo part of it.
Now, tonight I'm gonna give you guys and some of our Double Dragon fans a little tip. Is that Will Arnett? Okay, now here's the first tip. To finish Billy Lee, you gotta use the standing heart punch. Yes, that is Will Arnett. Now secondly, to finish the Shadowmaster. He's doing a much better job than the previous guy. Yeah, yeah. At this point, Will Arnett must be sick of people coming up to him and asking when they're gonna bring back CyberMania.
So for some reason, in the middle of this, they just decided to do a five minute news magazine piece on hackers and hacker culture. The ones that actually learned how the systems work and managed not to get busted. Those are the ones that are gonna be controlling the computer industry. Right. And I see what's really going on. Oh yes, the glamorous life of a hacker. High-rolling. Governments bend to their knees before me.
Oh no, there's no sausage left. Dude, Darren, you ate the left sausage.
Try to cut the camera. Treble. I read them before. Trash acid. I can just picture the director being like, we're not gonna use this part, but if you could just use a slice of pizza with a glove. Okay, but you're gonna show when I break the MSA mainframe, right? Yeah.
That's what I'm really all about. Oh my god, I love pepperoni so much. If you want to subscribe to the Kyle Jumer YouTube page, that'd be cool and you can click me. But if you want to be really cool, I mean really cool, you're gonna want to watch more bleep-bloop, so just start clicking below. |
dropout | Grant_Finds_True_Love | to the College Humor podcast. If you're joining us on CH2, that's great. But you can also watch us a bit earlier on our favorite way to watch podcasts, Dropout. So go to dropout.tv and subscribe so you know it's live, because we didn't cut that out.
Isn't that cool? Yeah.
Guys, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much for having us. Guys, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for having us. Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you for inviting us into your home. Yeah, thank you for coming into my home. I know it's kind of too nice, but anything for you guys.
I'm joined here by a few familiar faces. Katie Marovitch. I'm Rekha Shankar. I'm Grant O'Brien. And I'm Katie Marovitch. Wow, Katie, you sound really different.
Thank you so much. It's a pleasure to be here.
See, that's a joke that only our Dropout subscribers are going to get. Everyone else is going to be like, oh, Katie's on twice. Got it. But to the Dropout viewer, you'll see exactly who that is. I can't lie. I'm only here once. The people on CH2 will get that joke also. Yeah, but we're going to block out who has faced it.
Honestly, great. True.
Fuck CH2. This is a big emoji over. I've been saying fuck CH2 for years.
Yes. Would you like to say your alternate identity? Yes, I'm Josh Rubin. It's a pleasure to be here. Woo! Yeah. Heaven. Party. Yeah. Guys, what a fun time to be together. Isn't it nice? Yeah. Isn't it great?
I took a picture of it and everything because it's my first time. Katie, I know it's your third. It's my third time, but it's not.
What number are you at, bud? Oh, in terms of being on the College Humor podcast? Just any number and anything. 45.
Oh, my god. Heaven. Wow.
Your favorite president. Like our president.
Oh. Happy birthday. Can you sing happy birthday? Or is it legal? That's happy birthday is copyright. That's true. You can't do that anymore. Not anymore. It's only police. We can sing happy birthday. Oh. Isn't his birthday today? I think it was some time a few days ago. Oh, that's true.
He's a Gemini. It's fucked. Of course he's a Gemini. Well, now what does that mean? Because that's a Gemini.
Excuse me. It means I've got two personalities. Most hated. People do not like Gemini. Yes.
I dated. I won't say I dated. I went on a few dates with a guy who's a Gemini.
He is so fucking weird. He isn't really weird.
Now, you know that this is pretend and doesn't mean anything, right? Right. Astrology? Come on. You know how it's pretend and L and line? Try me. Let's get each other's signs unless we already know them.
I'm obvious. What? I'm obvious. Yeah, you're obviously a Capricorn. No, I'm not.
You're an Aquarius. I'm an Aquarius. Every time I tell that to people, they're like, of course you are, because you're a robot alien. People say alien when it comes to Aquarius. Are you an Aquarius?
For some reason. No, I'm a Cancer, and I'm dating a Gemini, which is like a total no-no. Are they like a two-faced? Are they like? Yeah. Are they backstabbing you?
Her birthday is May 24, so she's right at the beginning. That's my brother's birthday. What on earth? Do you guys get along? Oh my god. Wait, can we cut? It is my oldest brother's birthday, May 24. Is this a thriller? I think it might be. When's your birthday? I can't say the name of the movie, but it may have early Oda.
Yeah, I'm a Cancer sensitive, but I'm an early Cancer. They say it's like the most stubborn and least sensitive of the Cancers.
June 30. It's coming up. Wait a minute.
I share it with Vincent D'Onofrio and Mike Tyson. Am I not supposed to say either of those? No, that's fine. I think you're allowed to say the names of the movies. Yeah, that's a fact. It's liable to say their birthdays. It's a fact.
I do have a question. Are you going to have a birthday party? I don't know. Maybe at my mom's house. There you go. See? True Cancer. Can you say mom? Yeah.
Don't say mom. My mom made me stop having birthday parties for myself after I turned double digits. She said you're too old.
Oh my god. Mommy dearest. I'm very pro-birthday. Me too. Yeah, I agree. Wait, Grant. What are you? I'm Taurus. Oh, makes perfect sense. Does it? Yeah.
Sex, food, wear buds. You like being home. Like a bath. I do like being home. Actually, my Taurus friend is very much like that.
Yeah. I'm not, you know, traveling. Where's there to go? No thanks. I'm all set.
Taurus and Cancer. It's funny because Cancers are also quite shelly. You know what I mean? They like being home. Like the home at Cancer and Taurus.
Classic. Classic combo.
But Grant doesn't believe it. No, it's a lie. It's a lie we tell ourselves to feel like a member of a tribe.
All right.
Rekha, what are you? Whatever. I'm an Aries.
April or March? April. April 3rd.
Yes. I'm very, people say Aries are like aggressive and bossy and mean. No. You're not. I might be.
I think, here's what I think Rekha is. Nice, funny, and the best. Sounds like an aquarium to me.
What if there was just a minute of full silence? Should we try? Should we put a minute of full silence in right now?
Yeah. Say your line again. OK. So in my world, Rekha is nice, funny, and the best. OK. No, no. This is.
So anyway, Kingpin Katie came out on Monday. It launched on Monday. It's just, yes, two days ago. You can watch the first episode now.
Oh. OK. All right. Should we move on to? Oh. Oh, no. Oh, god. I have to leave.
Rekha? Rekha, why are you so angry?
I can tell you're doing your sign thing. Like you're mad, mad at me.
So anyway, Kingpin Katie. That's awesome, Katie. Thank you. That's awesome. That's congratulations.
Dropout.tv or dropouttv.tv? Dropout.tv.
Heaven. Did it feel great having a premiere? Yes. It was extremely exciting. And yeah, every Monday we'll have a new episode. I watched it on my TV with my husband. And the entire time.
Brag.
That I have a TV.
Anyway, the entire time both of us were just sitting there like smiling, like the biggest smile. It was very funny. I like noticed it. I was like, oh, we're loving this. That's cute. It was very fun. That's very sweet.
Yeah. The trailer makes it look like I have a much bigger part in it than I do. That's great. I think all of my lines are in the trailer. Yeah. Same. OK. Yeah.
It's just not a launching platform for Grant and myself. Or Josh, really. If you think about it.
It feels tense.
It's just, what are we going to get from it? OK. It is called Kingpin Cakes. Yeah. I know. And I want to workshop that title right now.
I have a question. I wasn't in it.
Was that a choice or not? That was a choice. Yes. It was a decision from all of us. We thought about putting it in. We said no, no. Grew my hair out and everything.
It's kind of like a continuing audition. We didn't have that role. Season two auditions.
No? No.
You're not going to be in it. No role for anyone with season two auditions? You're never going to be in it. No role for anyone with season two auditions?
No, no, no. Not you. Not for you.
Yeah. Should we do? That's great. Thank you very much. But not you. How's your life changed since it's been out? Oh my god, yes. That's a great question. Do people recognize you more? No.
Nothing has changed. Nothing?
My parents liked it. Which is the bigger point. I swear to god, that's all the validation I ever needed. That's great. Yes. My parents are good at telling the truth, which is something that I like. But when they say this was good, I know that it's good.
What are their signs? They're both one November 17th, one November 21st. Lion Leos. So they're Scorpios? Yeah. Scorpios. I don't know if they are Scorpios. Isn't that cut off the 20th? Wouldn't they be different signs? Actually, it's the 21st, actually. Oh, so they might be. They're Scorpios. Okay, they are Scorpios. Are they emotional?
Do they have big eyes? My dad has little beady eyes. And then my mom has giant eyes.
And then I'm somewhere in between.
Did you say eyes? Yeah, eyes. Yeah. So if you can see. See, only our dropout subscribers are going to see Katie's eyes.
Again, that's also on CH2. We're going to block that out on CH2. That is still on CH2. Yeah, we should block that out on CH2. Yeah, we're going to put bars up.
I don't want people seeing my eyes.
Two emojis? They're not on dropout. Can you say emoji? I don't know.
Yeah, I think so. Cool, guys. Well, that's exciting. Congratulations. That's very exciting. Thank you. Ally was outside talking about how pretty it looks, how gritty it looks. Yes.
She was like, comedy doesn't look like that. And it's like, well, it is a comedy and it looks quite gritty.
I'm very excited to see it. Yay. Thank you. I appreciate it. I think I was quite good in it.
Okay. Well, speaking of that, why don't we move on to our. Okay, we can move on to that. I was going to move on to our little game. Let's do our game. Okay. I just, I needed to. You need to touch it. There's a little too much attention on me. Cool. Well, let's. Yes.
It's always weird reaching for the game on the table. Jump in. Yeah, I can't really speak and do that at the same time. So we are going to play a round of Psychic Game Show. So I'm going to read the instructions here. Although, it is one we have played before.
In this game, we will take turns drawing cards that each have a question on them. And that person will read the question silently. The rest of the group will guess the answer to the question before they know what the question is. Afterward, we'll reveal the question and decide who was closest.
Perfect. Cool. Katie, do you want to go first? I would love to. Okay, great. So just flip this. Oh, no, sorry. Yeah, that's where the instructions are. Okay. Only dropout viewers are going to see that. Oh, yeah. All right. We're going to block it out. So you're absorbing the question. Yes, I know the question. Okay. And I'm thinking of it. So everyone. Okay. Let's see if we can. Guess the question. Okay. Let's look silently for one minute. Okay. Well, hang on now. Her knees are shaking. So that's just my clue. Well, I'm an anxious person. Okay. I've got an answer. Yeah, I think I have an answer also. Okay. Yeah, me too. I just sent it to Rekha. So I really hope you get it. Okay. My brain sent it to you. Okay. Stripes. No. Wait, let me send it to you. Okay. Did it. Oh, man, Katie.
That's filthy. No. That's filthy. The answer that you just sent me is filthy. Oh, no. My answer is filthy. My answer is filthy, too. Yeah, that's weird. Gosh, and I have the same answer. What are your answers? Filthy. The word filthy?
Was that your answer? Yeah. Oh, okay. I was going to be like, oh, let's say our answer at the same time on the count of three. I mean, you can say it again. I'll say mine. Let's do it. All right, ready? Three, two, one.
Mice. Mice in New York City?
Yeah. Wow, those are pretty related. And then mine's stripes. Stripes would have been. None of these are close.
What is the question? The question is, is why a vowel? And the answer is sometimes. I think stripes, because stripes are sometimes.
Yes. Sometimes they're one and sometimes they're another. That's true. It's like New York City because it has a Y in it. No. Okay. I think mice because it has two vowels in it. Yeah. M-Y-C-Y. Two Y's in it. Perfect.
I could go next. Well, who won? Stripes? I think I won. Stripes are sometimes.
That's horseshit.
Rekha absolutely won. I call you Rekha.
Sorry. Okay. I'm sending you the question. Okay. Blue. I'm going to guess blue. Okay. All right. Rekha, that's filthy. Grant. My answer is sandbag. Sandbag? Okay. Joe. C-B-D is medical. Okay.
The question was, where do hippos live? The answer is sub-Saharan Africa.
Oh, sandbag. And I do think there's sand in southern Africa, so I do think Grant won. Grant is pretty close.
Yeah. Do I get the card? Is that how that works? No. Sure.
All right. I'll take my card then. Okay. I did not look at this question, so I'm passing it along. All right. Now here we go. Okay. I'm going to guess, don't say blue, bubble gum. All right. Rekha, I'm sending it to you. Okay. Oh, wait.
You didn't send it to me before. I did. I'm going to guess two things. I don't have to announce what I'm doing.
Okay. I'm going to guess a horse's tail. Okay. Ooh. Hot. I was going to say, what's the hottest part of a horse? Yeah. You got it, right? Yeah. I think you got it. What is the hottest part? You think so? Yeah. All right. I say it now? Say it. Okay. For CH2 tote bag, a blank white space. Okay.
The question is, who is the youngest person to become the President of the United States? How? The answer is Theodore Roosevelt at the age of 42.
Which I think is pretty close to what I said, because he had a big bushy mustache. I'm going to need you all to remind me what you said, because I forgot.
She said bubblegum. I said bubblegum.
Uh-huh. I said a horse's tail. Uh-huh. That's quite like a mustache. I said a blank white space. Well, it is Rekha, but only because Teddy Roosevelt was in the Rough Riders, not because of his big bushy mustache. Yes.
That looks like a horse's tail.
That's something else. That's exactly what's different.
I like this game, even though I'm failing.
Oh, man. Okay. Wow. Okay. All right.
It's a great amount of silence in this episode.
Send it. Yeah, that's what I like about this. He's sending it to you, Grant. He's sending it to you. Send it to Grant. Sure. And then my answer is going to be House of Cards. Okay, I'm sending it to you guys.
Okay. Wait. Okay. The Queen. Hmm.
Sailboat.
The Queen. House of Cards. They're all kind of British. Ooh. I hope it's a British thing.
I think I'm going to need your help here, because the question is, how many Japanese yen equal one US dollar? And the answer is $108.51. $108.51.
Oh, right. Well. What did I say?
Sailboat. That's about how much the sailboat costs.
And what did you say? House of Cards. And I said the Queen. The Queen is on currency.
Yeah, there's... Right. True. Just... True. I mean, that's... Yeah, that's a good point. I guess... I think that's right. I think that's... Rink is good at this. May I?
Yeah, but I just looked at it. Did you look at it? Well, I looked at the one on the bottom, but I'll forget about it.
Okay. Don't say it. Okay. I shouldn't have said anything. All right. Should we just do this rapid fire? Yes. Okay.
Mice. Fuck. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. The Queen.
Shit. The Queen. Shit.
Jews.
It's gonna be what's the hottest part of a horse?
Is it safe to eat expired protein powder?
Yes. I said mice. See, he said Jews. I feel like it's mice, because spoiled food attracts rodents.
Yeah. Here. I did not look. Okay. Great. All right. Rapid fire. Rainbow.
The sandbag.
A waltz. Like a dance. Okay.
The question is, what is the best television series ever made?
Rainbow. So rainbow sounds like reading rainbow.
Is there like a sitcom? No, there's not.
Okay. Great. And what did you say?
You said the sandbag. I said sandbag. Which sounds like the sand line. Which is sort of like Breaking Bad.
Okay. I'm gonna give this to Katie. Isn't that there? Yay. For reading rainbow. Sure. Okay. Yes, thank you. I'm so glad I got a comment. All right. Great. Fast? Yeah. What do you got? Roller skates. Okay. Mice. Okay. Wow. I'm saying mice. Yes. All right.
The question is, who was the first woman to win the Iditarod Trail sled dog race?
It is Libby Riddles. Riddles?
And I feel like it's roller skates because that's a mode of transportation. Hell yeah. I almost feel like it's mice because mice are really just small dogs.
No. Now explain. In what sense?
A mouse is a small dog.
You can't just say it in a different voice. You can't say it in a different voice. That is an explainer.
Okay. Rapid fire. Ready? Yes. Last one. Okay.
When I was a boy, I belonged to a swimming club, I suppose. A swimming pool. And when we were, you know, we'd spend our summers there laughing and running. You're not supposed to run at the pool.
No, I'm going to ask everyone to recap too. Sure. Just remember your answers. We'd spend our days, you know, with such joy and such promise of youth. And so I suppose my answer would have to be tennis racket.
Huh. Mice. Huh. I'll say mouse. Singular. Huh. Yeah. So.
I got to say, I think this goes to Grant. First of all, there's some extra text on here. There's questions for the psychic game show tomorrow. Can these be put on cards please?
Oh no. Followed by. Whoops.
When was the last day of Lent? April 9th.
I kind of feel like. I think it is, Grant. I kind of feel like Grant. It was like, he started answering on April 9th and now it's like.
An alternate. What if you gave up mice for Lent? I don't know. Okay.
Or a mouse. A single mouse.
Well, we did it. Beautiful. Oh, you have one more? Yeah.
No, those are the rules. And here are the instructions for the game. Get out of here. And that concludes psychic game show.
What a wonderful time. That was great.
Guys, now I'm moving on to our next little thing. Rejected sketch theater. Yes. Yes, indeed. So, today's rejected sketch is courtesy of Grant O'Brien. Now Grant, let's hear a little backstory about this sketch. Sure. So, this sketch I wrote for the College Humor Shining series that we did, what, a year or two ago?
Yeah, it was like 2017, Halloween or something. Yeah, we like to do some Halloween series once in a while. And this year we did our version of the Shining. And we all got together.
We watched the Shining and we picked out funny scenes. Not funny scenes, but interesting scenes. These are sketches based on.
Correct. We were at Sam's house. It was wonderful. He has great pets.
And I wrote two sketches for that. One I wrote that we made is Trap, who was Jack Nicholson in this, being very annoying to the ghost bartender. And one other one that I wrote is this.
This sketch is based on the scene in the Shining when Jack Nicholson finds a woman in a tub. Go see the Shining in theaters.
In theaters? I don't know. What? Sure. It's probably going to be at the theaters at some point.
Is it like Booksmart? It's a lot like Booksmart.
It's Olivia Wilde's debut movie.
So, this is a sketch I wrote. Now, much like that scene, there's no dialogue. It's all visuals. So, I'm going to read through the visuals that I wrote for this. Yes. And just so you get a visual. And again, this is only for Dropout subscribers. This is what the sketch looks like.
It is called Grant Finds True Love.
And if I'm not mistaken, there's no casting. There's no casting.
It's all stage direction. OK. Take us through. Sure.
Interior, room 237, night. The music is full of Sturm and Drang. Grant enters the hotel room, the one they've all been warned about. His look is hard to read.
Is it fear? Is it excitement? Rage?
He makes his way past the bed to the restroom. The door is ajar. Inside, the shower curtain is drawn part way.
Even with his obscured view, he can see the long, live legs of a young woman. She senses his presence and draws back the curtain. They make eye contact. She is beautiful. She stands. Though she's naked, she's not self-conscious.
Rather, she seems to welcome Grant's gaze, inviting him to take in her body with his eyes. She steps out of the tub and goes to him. He's stunned by your beauty and can't move. He reaches out and touches his face. She reaches out and touches his face. Carefully, so as not to break the surface of whatever glorious pond might be reflecting this perfect image, Grant lays a hand on her hip. Then another. She pulls him in for a kiss. Grant closes his eyes and surrenders to the moment. He brings his hand to her head and runs his fingers through her lush hair. As he pulls his hand away, a couple of strands come with it. Noticing, he opens his eyes.
She is transformed. She's now an impossibly old woman. Her body is bloated, as if it's been underwater for ages. She has weeping sores. Her skin starts to look like it will slip right off.
She starts laughing. It is a cracked, horrifying laugh. Grant looks at her. He considers this. A little smile cracks across his face. He starts laughing too. This makes her laugh more, which in turn feeds his laughter. They're laughing together.
A song begins. Islands in the Stream by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton.
She's still laughing. They sweetly kiss again. Cut. The old woman's head hits a pillow. Grant leans into frame and kisses her.
They're on a bed, backlit through the window by beautiful moonlight. We see them from overhead.
Grant is in tight black boxer briefs laying on top of the old lady. He tenderly runs his hand up her side. Some of her skin comes off as he does. They giggle. The old lady wears a blindfold. Grant runs a rose sensually down her face and across her withered lips. She gasps with anticipation. Grant wears a blindfold. The old lady runs a pile of dead grass down Grant's face. He trembles and bites his lip. She gently nibbles Grant's ear. He is in heaven. One of her teeth falls out. The old lady shows Grant how to make the come hither fingering motion. Then she puts his fingers into one of her arm wounds and he fingers it.
They are making love. It is gentle and sweet. She's on top of Grant. They kiss her back as they have sex.
A chunk of it comes off. Grant is on top of her and starts to increase the speed of his thrusts. He's holding one of her legs in the air. It bends all the way back and then sort of comes off a little. Grant climaxes. He moans. She climaxes.
Ghosts fly out of her mouth. They lay face to face on the pillow. Grant reaches out and touches her cheek. Her eye falls out.
Grant shows her Bob's burgers on his laptop. She shows Grant a video of a dog decomposing from her book of the dead.
They are singing a little song as she plays the ukulele. The camera pushes in and finds their faces. They're truly happy. The camera pulls out and the ukulele has turned into a fetus that she's somehow playing. It's morning.
They're back in the bathroom. She's standing next to the tub. She looks at the tub then back at Grant. He's pained but he's smiling through it. She touches his face once more. She lays down on the tub and puts her face under the water. We see again from Grant's perspective as she slowly closes the curtain.
He turns and leaves the bathroom. As he closes the door, he notices a bit of her skin stuck to his clothes. He touches it to his cheek, sighs, and walks out.
Oh my god.
And I don't know why we didn't make it. I'm at a loss as to why we didn't make that sketch.
I just kept hearing that song from The Naked Gun. Woke up this morning, feelings.
I don't know if we're allowed to say all of it. That's all I can say. But you know what I mean?
It's just a lot of the turps. So Grant, I mean, we can go through. Sure. Yeah, I think it was sort of like a softcore porn a little. Sure. And maybe it was a tad light on the game. Plot and, yeah, dialogue.
Yeah, like where did you get this shit? It's like a short film. Where did you get this shit?
I'm a mess psychologically. And I think that's kind of where a lot of this comes. I have a lot of issues around being seen as a sexual object. So I try and force the issue rather than just let it be.
I have a question. Yes, please. Would you have actually done this? Yeah, that is my question. Absolutely. You would have. Oh, definitely.
Made the sketch or had sex with a ghost woman? Yes, a ghost woman.
I mean, yeah, I'd have filmed the sketch. And if I found myself in this situation, I might also do all those things in real life if that were to happen. Yeah.
Even if her back. Honestly, I admire that you'd still be interested even if her back was coming off. I don't know what that even means. So in my imagination, it's her shoulder blade. And then I can see her ribs.
Oh, you pig. Yeah, I wrote that. You wrote that.
And we had no idea that's what you were coming in with. I remember you pitched something about like, oh, I get with the old lady in the bathtub kind of thing. We're like, OK. And then you come in with this. And we're all like, what is fucking going on?
Yeah. Time's up, Grant. You know what I mean? Well, now, wait a minute. Because in The Shining, that is a seminal scene. Oh, absolutely. Yes.
And quite frankly, I think the series is poorer for not having this contribution to it. I think there could have been an old lady in a bathtub scene if I had to tweak this sketch. And there aren't many tweaks to do it.
I don't know what you'd offer. But please. Yeah, I might insert some more game moves. That's what I might do.
Now, what about when the old lady was playing a fetus? So yeah, I guess that mapping did jar me. I was jarred. As a director, too, I was imagining going to the prop person saying, we need a fetus guitar. A fetus ukulele.
But I can also imagine that conversation with the prop person. Do you have a vacuum sealer? Can we get a mold of a little baby or a fetus?
Sure. And then attach strings from its head to its toes. I could be strumming that. Or the umbilical cord. I do think a lot of your fans, Grant, would have loved to see this. Absolutely. Grant heads out there.
Tweet at Rekha Shankar. And let her know how bad you want to see this sketch. Leave Rekha alone.
I mean, you can do it. We can't make it. I bet. I bet we can. Still not make it. Would be crazy to make it two years later. I don't think so. Why don't you do this?
Tweet at Rekha Shankar. Tweet at Mike Trapp. And tweet at Sam Reich.
And tell them how bad you want to see this sketch. How bad you want to see Grant fuck a pile of skin.
Uh, heaven. We made a sketch a few years ago that Mike Trapp wrote about going on a date with a fast food burger. And at the end of it, I'm having sex with a sub sandwich.
And that had to be taken off YouTube because the sex was so graphic. It was disgusting. It was pretty gross.
Truly. I don't know why. Because that was realistic sex. Katie, maybe that's on you.
It was with a sandwich. That's why it was disgusting. How big of a sandwich were you talking about? Like a six inch?
It was honestly when I saw it, I did scream at my desk. It was so graphic.
But did YouTube, did the community tell you to remove the sandwich fucking? The entire community of comedy told us to remove it. The comedy world said, this has gone too far.
Even John Candy was like, you've got to, you must. John Candy would be great casting for this lady. John Candy would be terrific casting.
Huh, Uncle Buck? Yeah, we can probably get him. Who else? Philip Seymour Hoffman would be good casting. All right, all right, all right.
We're taking a turn here. Happy birthday. We're taking a little turn.
But yeah, this is a really fun, dumb sketch. Now I'm still thinking about who would be really good casting for that old lady.
Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell is terrific.
You could also just do Craigslist casting. I think there's a lot of people who just kind of do an open like, hey, we got 50 bucks. There's a tub. We found 50 bucks.
Couple Blackmagic design cameras. 200 people would still submit.
Absolutely. Yikes. Absolutely.
I'll drive from Connecticut. I know you're shooting in LA. I think it's a lot of that.
Yes. Horrible. Great. Well, I mean, you know. Yeah. Great. I mean, I'm proud of that sketch. No.
It's a very beautiful short film. Remember, tweet at Rekha Shankar at Michael Graham. Tweet at Sam Reich. And tell them how bad you want to see this.
We can still make it happen. There's no reason not to. I can't think of any reason not to make it now. If 300 people sign up for Dropout when this podcast airs, we'll make it. That is a challenge.
That I like. That's a promise. If. Yeah. All right. Great. I'm holding you to that.
300. I have no control over any budget. I'm going to sign up 300 times. I'm going to make 300 burner accounts.
Yeah. But you have to go past the free trial. For a CH2 tote bag, I'll fuck his sandwich. A deal nobody asked for. Josh. Sorry. Did you? Do it. OK.
I would love to see. I'd love to see the video.
Like when we made, you know, years ago, there was a Hans Gruber sketch they had to take off because, you know, die hard. They just wouldn't keep it on YouTube.
And you get to. Your sandwich fucking gets to make it up. I mean, it gets time. Yeah. Is there anything from your college other day that you wish you would have gotten made? Give it. Oh, I'll tell you one that did get made. Yes. One that did get made and exists on a private link somewhere and never got up.
And you'll know why quite quickly. It was called Cowboy Up. And I think it was written by Dan Gerwich. And it was about a cream. This is like real. A cream?
It was a cream that you could rub on your hand if you're a parent. And slap your kid in the face with it to get them to cowboy up. To calm down if they're being a little jerk or if they're crying. So there's also a version of it where the parents could rub the cream on a belt and hit their kid with it. So it was like a child abuse sketch that I directed.
But you made it. Oh, yeah. We directed it. And then I think our old Boston Times song was like, we just can't. But we had everything.
It started as a normal commercial sort of parody, like cowboy up. And they'd put the cream on the hand. There'd be a star wipe and slap the kid.
One kid was like, my turtle died. And he's holding up a fake turtle. And the dad wipes cowboy up on the kid's face. And the turtle flies across the room. But it eventually got to the point where the dad's silhouette filled a darkened doorway. He had just put it on a belt.
We made like a child abuse cream parody, I guess you could say. And it was so funny. I think that's funny. It was hysterical.
But everybody thought it was like, I bet I could find the link somewhere. I really would like to see it. I bet I could dig. But I could see. I understand. But you could imagine. Yeah, absolutely. Do you have a favorite sketch that you want to get greenlit? Oh, god. I would have to really dig. Yeah.
I mean, tons. Tons. They were all really niche.
I really wanted to do, I don't know if you say Bruce Springsteen, but there was one, you know, he says, oh, I'm on fire. I just wanted to do one where he was on fire the whole time.
And then there was like another one, here in Dagobah. But I wanted to be like the talking heads, like here in Dagobah. You know what I mean? That was about where it died. Here in Dagobah, it's a bog planet.
I mean, no one. I was like, but Star Wars. Like, I'd be really pissed about it.
Yeah. I think that's great. I love that.
There were some pretty, we had some dark, bad sketches. Also, just say flat, like there were some really weird, we would do some bad stuff. Not me. I've never read one of those. Some just like questionable, yeah, yeah.
We were just talking about a sketch I wrote that wasn't funny, but that I wrote for therapeutic reasons, when it looked like Roy Moore was going to win his presidency in Alabama. I wrote it just Roy Moore's first day in the Senate.
And he had just like cheerleaders and little girls coming into his office. And it wasn't funny. It was tragic.
I don't think I have a sketch that I regret writing. That's good. Have you ever tried anything that you regret in your life? Maybe not. Yeah, well. I honestly don't have a ton of regrets in my life. I truly don't. I think too much about my decisions. What about sketches that you wrote that you were so passionate about and like a little peeve that they never got made?
Yes, that has definitely happened. Absolutely. That's the story of any writer's life. Yeah, and I still have some of them in my inbox with like a label to rewrite. And I'm like, this will get made. Yes. There's like the five that you have. Yes. One day. Probably five sketches. One day I will fuck that old tub lady. Absolutely. Yeah.
Well, to kind of close out the pod, we have some questions from our Discord users. So this one comes from. I hope they're not too discordant.
Oh, god. Oh my god.
Are we going to sit for it? 20 minutes of silence.
This one comes from Colby Jack. They say, any advice on developing creatively slash finding an outlet when you are an aspiring comedy writer stuck in a 9 to 5 job for income?
I mean, I think, no. No. There's nothing.
Well, especially if you want to be a writer rather than a performer, that's the kind of thing that you can do on whatever schedule. Yes. Yeah, you have to write a lot. Yes. You have to write a lot.
And when I was working 9 to 5, I used to work in post-production. And when I was working 9 to 5, I would frequently write entire articles while I was working that job. I would be submitting to Reductress and McSweeney's and all that stuff on the clock.
Because there was downtime. Just make good use of that downtime. Don't let the depression and the fog, which is easier said than done, of the 9 to 5, make you feel like catatonic about the things you actually like to do, because then you're doing it wrong.
Yeah. You should be saving your energy for what you like. Yes. Don't let that completely take over. That's a good question. Because my experience has always been people always ask, if you're an actor, if you want to make something, whenever, I always say, just go shoot something. But I've never heard that or thought about the, if you're a writer and you want to be a writer thing. Because my first inclination would be to write something and put it up on a Google link on your website or something or share an article. Would you do that? Yeah.
Share something you wrote on a blog or something? For stuff that was rejected, because the many first times I submitted to a doctor as I was rejected, I would just write it up on my Tumblr and post it.
And no one looked at it. Like, two people looked at it. But it was at least an exercise.
Twitter's a real thing. Twitter is a good joke platform.
Yeah. I had a blog before I, because you just have that need to write something and get it out there. So that was definitely a similar type thing. It wasn't going anywhere. No one was reading it. But it was just good to write it. Yeah. It was good to be funny online. And then you have a record of it in case you're like, I want to go back to that idea. At least no one owns it. I can link. Exactly.
And I think, too, learning how to make your own stuff. Like, I was lucky enough, I went to film school. So being able to empower myself and make my own shit and my work in editing was extremely helpful.
And it was a lot of work, because you're going to your 9 to 5 and then coming home and working more. But ideally, it's like energizing work. A lot of film people, a lot of directors, aspiring directors and filmmakers are dying for writers, dying to team up with someone to come.
Yeah, that's true. That's like a thing.
Yeah, find people. Yeah, find a little community. Surround yourself.
For me, I didn't come from, I was going to work in finance. So I don't have the post-production experience. I didn't work in production or anything.
But yeah, just taking comedy classes. I had a 10 to 6 job. And I would just spend time afterwards just immediately driving to classes or take them on the weekends. But yeah, I feel like if it is really a 9 to 5, that still gives you a lot of time to do stuff.
Especially if you do find people, it feels a little less isolating. And taking those classes, you will just meet people. Again, too, it's all a process. If you come out of it being like, I took my first class and I didn't find my people, you're going to be miserable.
Just know 10 years down the line, you'll have something from that. It's like a long-term thing. I think that is a good point, too. It's probably going to be on a longer time horizon than you are comfortable with at the moment. It's going to take a while. Exactly.
Just don't look for an immediate gratification. And what will drive you crazy is that it won't take a while for some people. Some people, it's just going to work out for them right away. Are there going to be people that don't need to have nine-to-fives and can dedicate themselves entirely to working creatively?
I got hired on Late Night for 15 years for this tweet. And those are the people that people are going to write articles about, too. And they're going to get the most buzz, so you're going to think that's like, oh, fuck, I didn't do that. But in reality, that's the exception to the rule. No one's writing about the 45-year-old writer who slogged for like 25 years and then finally got their break. Yeah, that's more typical. You just have to kind of be prepared to wait. Then there's always a 30 under 30 article will come out.
Dear God, don't look at them. Don't want to die. Make you just want to die. Don't look at them.
Even just those lists, literally some of those lists are just someone being like, I am tasked to write this. I'm going to write about my friends, and I'm going to ask my friends for recommendations.
Don't take any of that shit too seriously. It's really nice if you've gotten that. I don't want to take away from that.
Also, if you're watching, thank you for joining us. Oh my God, a 30 under 30 is, oh my God. OK, fuck what we were saying before. You're popular and cool. It is funny that most of those articles do have, at some point, there's like, yeah, when my dad helped me get my dad. Oh, yeah, yeah. That is almost always the secret ingredient in early successes.
Oh, you didn't have to work for money. Oh my God. You just had money. Even just speaking of money, student loans and shit.
You never know what people have going on behind the scenes that works against them or for them. So please don't beat yourself up about your timeline.
Yeah. You'll feel like you have to work harder than other people who you see getting the things you want. Yes. And you probably will. That just will happen. There is something you said, though, that if you work hard, if you legitimately do fill the off hours or even the in-between hours with work, it's that 10,000 hours thing. The inevitability of the tectonic universal shit, you will get seen, found, whatever.
I remember, actually, Adam Neumann is a comedian. He used to work College Humor, who would stay. I would be like, Adam, you slacker.
You were always wearing sweatshirts and your hair was always kooky. And you looked like you stayed up all night.
But he did. The College Humor day would be done after he had his 9 to 5. And then he would wait around for an hour and a half. He'd eat at his desk. And then he'd go do five open mics. And then within a year, Adam was on Letterman within a year or something like that.
That's 10,000 hours at work.
And definitely take care of yourself. But it's about finding that balance between, yeah, push hard for the shit that really matters to you. Like if you're a stand up, going to those mics, whatever, if you're a writer. Same thing with writing. Yeah, take care of yourself. And something you just said, too, that made me flash on this is you do have to do this. We keep piling on things you have to do. But you also have to live a life outside of writing. That is worth commenting on. Yeah, that you can write about.
The grossest type of person, and if this is you, I do mean offense, are the people that are like, I'm an actor. And all I do is act. And all I talk about is acting. And all I know is acting. And I'm only friends with actors. And I'm only friends with people that can get me acting gigs.
It's like the worst type of person. You got to bartend and talk to people if you're going to write about people.
Like that, you know what I mean? Whatever. It works at Best Buy. And again, don't even look. Because I know, I don't know. There are some people who are really studious about that. OK, so I will get a weird job.
Chill out. Live your life. Do things you like. Don't look for the way you can relate it back to your career. That's it. Do things you like. Then write about them. If you like cooking, go fucking cook. Don't look for end goal. Live a little.
Go to Angeles National Forest. See a bear. Write about it. See a bear. Then write the bear. And then something's going to happen. You're going to see a weird park ranger and have a conversation with him.
Exactly. When your brain is at rest is when you'll kind of naturally synthesize cool ideas. Give and take, babies. And then you have to write. And then there's like, other than it's. And step 100, write. Right. You have to write. Cool.
Hopefully that wasn't a horrible answer. Yeah, hopefully it wasn't a bummer. But it's possible it was. Right?
We all have to admit that. Our dad will tweet about it, like our dad. When you pop that article out, like our dad.
Great. We have one more question from Hayden the narc. And they ask, if you could be any animal for a day, what would you be? And what would you do while you were that animal? Aw. OK. Let's think. Any animal for a day.
I mean, it's like, I'm eating a bird. And I'm flying a bird. Bird. I'm flying a bird.
Get that out of the way. We all know we want to fly. OK, bird, bird, bird. We know flying.
But.
What kind of bird?
I, on the weekends during the summer, will a lot of times do open water swimming in the ocean. And I will be very afraid of getting attacked by a shark while I'm doing that. And so I would be a shark so I could get in their head.
Yes. And know that when I turn back into a human, I'd know how to bob and weave once their sharks came. Sharks would be such great fucking writers. Yeah. They have such cool experiences. You know why?
Because they can't stop swimming or they'll die. You just have to keep living. Constantly Malcolm Gladwelling.
Wow. That's incredible. I like that. So I'd be a shark. OK. That's a good one. That's a really good one. I'm very talented. There's a bandaid on the floor over there. OK. Aw, that's beautiful, Katie. Thank you.
Katie, don't dodge. What's your animal? That's a dodge.
I know. I would be a bandaid. Truly, I do think it would be obvious. This is the most obvious, but I do think it would be incredible to soar in the skies and see mountains and forests from above them. So I do think I'd choose a bird. I do.
What kind of bird? Well, I love owls. But I think also a vulture. Something that is predatory, not going to be preyed on. So I wouldn't be a little sparrow or a hummingbird. An owl's a noble one.
Yeah. Head can still around. Yes. I feel like owls are very. Interesting. And they have long legs. They can lift up their skirts. That's true. It's just like a lady in my sketch. Like a little cuttish. Yeah. It's like a cuttish little dame. That's true. A flash of creepy owl ankle. They're like guts.
It's like just 40 feet. They're just all folded.
Beautiful. Beautiful legs.
What about a peregrine falcon? Fastest animal in the world.
That would be cool. That would be fun. Yeah, that'd be awesome. That's a good. Because I was going to say, to not have the same answer, is maybe a really fast animal would be cool, like a cheetah or something. That seems like the best of both worlds. Honestly.
Peregrine falcons, I believe. Grant went to bird camp. I did go to bird camp.
Actually, Joe. Is that true?
When I was in high school, I went to the best academic public high school in my hometown, Bragg. And they sent the best male and female science students.
So weird. Yeah, that is strange.
It was incredible. I don't particularly. Is this a Wes Anderson movie?
This is true.
I didn't particularly like birds. I still don't. I think they're fine.
But I spent the whole week birding with a bunch of bird nerds. Bird nerds. It was great. There's someone on Discord named the bird nerd. If you're a bird nerd, get at us on the Discord in our new bird nerd channel, where Grant only updates you with bird nerd facts.
For a CH2 tote bag. My dad.
And I'm pretty sure that peregrine falcons, when they're mating, mate in the sky. Oh, yeah. I'm that. I want to try that. I think I want to be that as well. They have to fall while they're mating. Hell yeah. And if they're not done, they'll just hit the ground and die. That's not true. I think that's true. That's the throw I'm willing to take.
Another answer is also like a penguin. I was thinking penguin as well. Penguins are also just so cute.
You know, flightless birds. If I could be anything, I'd be a bird that has to walk. Shut up. I would just be a bird. I'd be a flamingo, so I could stand on one leg and never fly.
Or I could eat endless salmon or shrimp. What is it they eat? I think it's shrimp. Great.
They'd all be great writers. All these birds would be great writers.
Flamingos are that color. What would your animal be? Because they eat shrimp.
Yeah. I kind of like the idea, run through the park, see some gophers. I like the idea of being a little creature that can just dig a bunch of tunnels. I think that's cool. I think they're gophers. Oh, you want to be a gopher. Yeah, like a little gopher.
You pop your little cute ass head up. They aren't normal. And then when someone sees you, you can just go back down. They are really cute. They're little cute bodies. Real cute. Yeah. And they're freaking out.
At first you're like, is that a snake? No, it's a cute ass gopher. It's a cutie. That's nice. Not a hedgehog. And people use gophering to describe poop that comes in and out of your asshole.
Correct. I thought that was turtling. And that's prairie dogging. I don't know. I think it's both. Ground hogging, prairie dogging, prairie dogging.
Yeah, you're sticking your little head out of your shell. Whoa, whoa, whoa, nice shooting, Tex. Wow. Wow, you're fingering a very large asshole, Grant.
You know, like in my sketch. Like in the sketch that I wrote.
But it's a wound on her arm. But that was a wound on an old woman's arm.
Sure. Fingering her. It'd be more like that. Aidan the narc. I have a follow up question for everyone.
Is there an animal you would never want to be?
Something mean. A plankton. A penguin. What are you talking about you want to be a penguin? But penguins are adorable. It's a bird that can't fly and has to live in Antarctica.
But it can. What are you, out of your mind? But it can. It can live there. And that's cool. It's not. And it can swim. I can live there. You can live in Antarctica right now.
I can't do anything.
You have an aversion to community. They're all about community. They get together and huddle.
And they smell like shit. They do. They smell awful. They can't fly. They sound weird.
And they have to live in the freezing cold. And you only like things that know how to do things? And they're bound to their children. It's like they can't get away from their kids. They'll say die and ship.
I think cow. I would not want to be a cow or a pig because I feel like people only eat them.
They eat them. They're so cute. And they're kind of abused.
Cow, chicken, pig. Yeah, chicken, pig. Any of those.
They're not abused. They live with the Amish.
And it's like, come on. You know what I mean? I want to do it for everyone.
I don't want to be a snake because they're fucking gross. I want arms. If I could be a snake with arms, maybe. A lizard. You want to be a lizard.
You can tempt Eve into eating the apple. I don't want anything to do with Eve. I know you guys have to. Yeah, they got in a fight. Why are you getting Eve?
There's some joke to be made about a missing rib. McRib.
Should we? You want to go there? I mean, you already fingered the wound. Yeah. I'm going to give. If we have a minute of silence, I know I'll think of it. We can have 30 seconds of silence. OK.
She was made out of his rib. He was tempted by a serp. She was tempted by a serpent. He might have also been a pomegranate.
I wonder if there's not.
Thank you so much for tuning in. Again, if you want to catch this podcast a little bit earlier than the people who watched it on CH2, please subscribe to Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. Thank you all so much for listening. Thank you guys for the tree bags.
Bye. Sign up for your free trial today. Okay, I'm all done. I want my mom now. |
dropout | hardly_working_mystery_box_with_jaleel_white | Now the point of this game is to guess what random crazy thing I put in this box Okay, and keep in mind it could be anything So use your imaginations. I can be nuts a smaller box flying smile. What's a flying smile? You said I could use my imagination and mine's colorful Okay, so everyone gets to reach inside and get one good group first person to get it right wins the grand Oh, oh me first It feels kind of human This is is it a statue of a human?
No. All right, my turn out of the way. Yep It's a little white. That's a little white. Hang on Box is talking to me Now I'm just kidding boxes can't talk.
Is it mashed potatoes? It's mashed potatoes. What? No mashed potatoes.
Stand back everyone. I got this Oh The box beat me Is it packing peanuts? I told you was packing peanuts not packing peanuts. Okay. Okay out of the way Hey, hey, hey help me man, this isn't helping brother. It's a television star Funny stop it Nothing, there's nothing in here. There's nothing in your guys. Help me How how did a hand get in the packing peanuts?
Okay a face to and now everyone gets one swift kick of the box Who you guys oh my god, it's a little white from the infamous show total blackout on sci-fi. Yes, that's me Hey, look, I don't know what you guys want from me or what you're playing on doing with me But some lady in a raccoon sweater ran me off the road and I woke up inside his boss. Hey, hey, hey, hey Oh, I got it. It's rope duct tape and an ether rag. Correct Kevin wins Yes, and now for the grand prize His friend Emily gets to spend a best friend hangout day with Julia white Oh, do you want to be the princess or the unicorn woman? You kidnapped me. You think I want to hang out with you I'll be the unicorn |
cracked | if_the_internet_was_a_high_school | Squirrel plays piano, Falcon swimming with giraffe, vlogger's opinion on issues, Frank kills Idiot, Snapchat shows wiener to OKCupid, and kittens play cutely. Thank you, YouTube. What a random series of compelling images. Okay, can anyone think of a way to relate that to today's lesson, finding loopholes in privacy and monopoly law? Or maybe a comment about how lucky YouTube is to be related to me? Yo, what did you say about Snapchat's dick? Limit those characters, Twitter. Go ahead, YouTube. Snapchat shows wiener to oh, video removed by user.
All right, that's it for today, but mind your terms and conditions, everyone. And there will be a quiz tomorrow, so I hope you're feeling lucky. Didn't you hear? Snapchat showed OKCupid his wing-wang, and YouTube saw the whole thing. I knew it! Snapchat dick pic rumor confirmed, hashtag citizenjournalism. Wow! Hey, give me five bucks and tell me what they said. Maybe, uh, midnight, dick pics volley across the scarred horizon.
Actually, many have said that it was a video not a pic and that there were three of them. No, two. No? No, four. Yeah, many have said there was four videos.
Who? I don't, many, I'm still seeking citations.
He was all ooh, ooh, ooh, and then his phone went like, internet! Did you see it? He was all ooh, ooh, ooh, and his phone went.
Oh, you are so ADHD. A good story should be 10, 15 seconds. I'm not going to believe it just because you say. Suit yourself, but anonymous said the CIA and or racist cops were involved. Though I'm like 300% sure that it's fake anyway. You can tell by the pixels on the tip. Dick pixel gate. I'm going to go talk to Twitter and see if he's learned anything new in the last 30 seconds. It's okay, Cupid's fault for looking at his crossroad area in the first place. Snapchat is a job creator. Right. Blame the woman. This is just another example of the one percenters inflicting their dicks upon the 99. Yo, listen up. Here's the status.
According to my bae, the CIA dicks are all totally anonymous. Anyone's dick could be a racist cop and you would have no idea. They got microchips in the condoms, everyone. Don't use them.
Yeah, much of that is false. All right, everyone on friends knows for disagreeing with us and join the group that I just started. Dick Muminati Watch Dogs. Oh, at three o'clock behind the gym, watch Huffo and Drudge fight it out. Yay, hooray. I'm secretly smart, but I pretend not to be just to be popular.
Go internet. Yeah, go internet.
The set tire.
Level design is crap. Slut. Rude.
Oh, uh, will you go to prom with me? Bitch, I know where your locker is. I'll show everyone.
These kids. Dick pixels. Twinners. What's a Kotaku? That's what I want to know. Don't make no sense no more. Anyone streaming in there?
Come on, show me the dick pic. Everyone says you have it. You said you had to dock on dick pics. No, I said I had to dock on the CIA. Who armed dicks?
I can't find it now. I swear it was here last week. I'll find it.
And bingo. Looks like you're in some deep web. You done goofed, buddy boy. All right, everyone. That's the bell. Find your seats. Now, before we get started, I've been hearing a lot of wild rumors out there, and I want to put them to rest. A.P. came in late. What's actually going on? Something about wieners? Well, that's hardly news. Okay, now that that's settled, I'm going to teach you all something pretty interesting by drawing my name in a funny way. |
cracked | the_dark_side_of_fantasy_football | You're confused. I didn't realize you were here. That's not your desk.
You're tired. You should sleep.
No. No, I can't let you do this. I can't let you win. My dear boy, you've already lost. I beat you. He's not about me anymore. I'm dead.
I get that. This is about saving the League. Adorable. You think there's still time to save the League, boy?
Stop calling me Bo- Oh my God. What happened to your face? Look at you. Yes. Look at me. Success has corrupted you. You're drunk on your own power. You've turned into Al Davis. Who?
Darcidious.
Hey, I'm doing a whole thing here, man. Don't- You have to be stopped, Cody. Or you could join me with our powers combined. We would be unstoppable.
Your knowledge of football. Mine. This. We would rule the world of fantasy. Football. Amateur leagues. Ours specifically.
Okay. What? Yeah, I mean, I like winning, so that sounds good. Oh! Good. Okay. What?
I really didn't think- I thought I'd have to, like, work at it a lot more. You know? I didn't think you'd give up right away. Like, we'd have, like, a fight to the death, maybe?
No? Okay. Cool. Yeah. Well... Shit.
I don't have anything else to do today. What did you just do? I didn't do anything.
You just traded for every available injured player in the League. And in just a second, you're gonna give up all the rest of your players to the Waverwire. I'm sorry, old friend. You're going down.
No. No!
Okay, it's done, it's done. Ow, stop. It's over? It's over. You can't win.
Hope you had fun. Yeah, yeah, I kinda did. Good. Good! You role-played and you enjoyed it! You're one of us now, you loser!
God damn it. Yeah, God's damn it. What?
Like Battlestar Galactica? They say gods instead of god, they believe in multiple gods. The Cylons believe in one true god, but the humans believe in many gods. Like Lords of Cobol, hear our prayer, so say we all. Have you not seen Battlestar Galactica?
It's amazing, you would love it. I know it sounds, where are you going? Hey, I'm Soren Bowie. Subscribe to crack.com and I'll take off my shirt for you. Because that's what you want. That's the coolest thing about crack.com.
Body muscles. Not like jokes that people craft. Not like writing, like prose. You know? Like manipulating these 26 letters into an endless array of finely crafted prose. Not that. Do it for pecs. |
dropout | hardly_working_woody_allen | So, uh, Grace, um, Amir says you're in school. Yeah, I mean, she's majoring in arts and minoring in crafts. It's incredible. She's a better painter than Hitler was. Nysa, too, I hope.
I hate school. You hate school?
I mean, how can you say that? You take a nap at school and get a sticker, right? Take a nap at my job and get a pink slip. I have to go potty.
She's great, isn't she? I mean, I love her to death. Not literally, of course.
You know, I said that once about a pet hamster I had. It was terrible. I found him suffocated to death on a water spout. He left a note. It said goodbye cruel wheel.
Okay, I'm sorry. Are you dating a four-year-old? No. Four and a half. And no, dating implies that I'm actually still paying for meals, which I am not. It's not a financially viable option for me at this point. You know, I'm telling you guys, chivalry isn't dead. It's bankrupt.
Okay, you don't mean to tell us you love this toddler. Of course I love her. Gosh, how can you say that?
She's four. She's four years old is how we can say that. She's four.
This is so ****, man. This is ****. No, this is ****.
I mean, again with the age difference, you guys sound like her father, who I'm convinced is an anti-Semite. I mean, how much older are you than your girlfriend? Twelve days. Really? I would have guessed 13. Again with your father, I mean, you should really go to analysis. My therapist thinks she has a reverse Oedipus complex, though I don't know why she calls it complex. It sounds fairly simple to me.
No. Stop making jokes. This is serious. It's not funny.
Can you believe that was me? And these were my friends. If Stalin had friends like these, there'd be a lot more Russians here today. I guarantee it.
Who the **** is that? Who? Seriously, how are you there? What's ****? What's going on? Who? |
dropout | the_nightmare_before_st_patrick_s_day | What's this? Amber liquid everywhere. What's this? Everybody's acting weird. What's this? I say no holiday, just lots of drink and give me some. This isn't fair or gross. What's this? Everyone is dressed in green. What's this? Conversations most obscene. What's this?
The streets align with chubby frat boys puking at bad jokes. They keep on laughing.
What the holy f**k is happening? What is this? What's this? Who's yelling and there's brawling?
Could this be a holy day? The churches are all empty, priests are slurring what they say.
I guess I'll try another glass with frost on the outside. I drink it and I feel a warmth that's building up inside. Oh man, what's this? They're serving it dyed green. Yes miss, another one of these refreshing. It's strengthening my back encourage all this power from ingesting.
What's this? This day?
I get its point at last. To praise the contents of this glass. Oh my.
They worship it in many different things. Out of hats and with hot wings and it makes friends of everyone. Who knew there was a patron saint? Having fun and drinking tons. Even black guys turn Irish.
What's this? Oh my, what now?
The sweat head fell asleep. No bed. Don't even need a sheet. He's done.
No gifts or costumes to distract and family nagging for one day in early spring. There is only drinking.
What's this? I feel the need to dance some or eat some deep fried food or I could sit and swing between exaggerated moods.
You can find drugs that's true on any holiday. But there is only one where we throw them a parade.
The sights, the sounds, they're everywhere and up is down. I can't seem to find the floor. Oh God, of this day I may have finally had enough. What once went down is coming up. Was it worth it? I feel like I'm going to drown. I've got to go.
I still don't know. What is this drink that I have found? What is this? Oh, hello officer. |
cracked | why_the_most_overused_joke_in_movies_needs_to_be_retired | Mmm, oh, oh boy.
Hey, hey, no, get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. This is not, we're not doing that.
This is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. Just wait outside. Hey, hey, literal assholes in comedy movies. Are you listening?
Stop pooping at me, okay? It's not funny anymore. It was moderately funny one time in dumb and dumb. And now you have to stop. I don't care how hot the person squeezing turds out of their butt is. It's not a joke for me to pay 15 fucking dollars to watch them do it. I'm trying to eat goobers, motherfuckers. And I get blue humor, okay? There's nothing funnier to me than a well-executed dick or poop joke. And a truly witty joke about a dick pooping? Forget about it, green lit. But if I just showed you my dick right now, that wouldn't be a joke. It would be unfortunate. And if you think that the funny part of diarrhea is the part where you spray liquid poop out of your butthole for a long time, you are missing the point. When did we start equating the feeling of being disgusted by human waste with laughter?
Those are different experiences. I don't watch porn for the scary parts. I don't watch musicals for the parts where they teach you how to optimize your Wi-Fi connection. And I don't watch a comedy to feel the feeling of being near someone having diarrhea.
Did you know there's an online movie poop scene database? Did you know there are several? That's how overused this fucking bit is. There are competing lists of every time the bit has been used. Think of a new bit! You're literally pulling this one out of your ass and it shows. You've beaten the shit out of the dead horse, filmed the shit coming out of it, and you keep making us watch it.
Why?
Makers of Friday, along came Paulie, American Pie, Harold, and Krumar, Van Wilder, not another teen movie, Zombieland, Bridesmaids, White Chicks, Year One, Austin Powers, Joe Dirt, Date Movie, Scary Movie Two, Naked Gun, Scary Movie Four, Adduce, Bigelow, Colon, Male Gigolo, the pooping scene in movie 43 may actually have been the 43rd pooping scene in a comedy movie this year. And now, like a father who has caught his kids smoking, I am gonna break us all of this filthy habit once and for all.
Are you ready? This is what you like? This is what you think is funny? This is what you want?
And a small comment, B1 CEO, BG2, will pass by tonight coming closer to Earth than the moon's orbit. Okay, team, gather round. Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money they don't have? If you phrase it differently than that, then yes. If you wanna smoke, go behind the electro nuclear plant next door. I feel like if I'm nice, they walk all over me, you know? Yeah. All right, assholes, listen up. We just got superpowers. Me too, for sure.
We've received reports of weird lights appearing throughout the city just minutes ago after a comic eclipsed the moon.
Have you guys named yourself yet? Yeah, Ken, we named ourselves. She's Professor Brain Girl, and I'm Heloid, the heel person. Together we call the cops in emergencies, but otherwise we mind our own business. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_235_Hau_Latukefu | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live here in the Diamantina Shire not long till Christmas, Christmas parties are starting, spring carnivals you know off and away that's the start of all this shit and it doesn't really end until late January. How are you going Errol? I'm alright mate, just trying to get to Christmas mate, making sure that all of our ducks are in a row, make sure that I'm on Santa's good list this year, yeah no last year I didn't get much from Santa.
Yeah just some of that sweet sweet coal. Well you know coal is what powers you know the country that's what puts electricity into every yuppies Tesla from bloody West End to double Bay to Fitzroy you know it's it's a harsh reality. Yeah and you know this year we might be getting solar panels if you haven't been a good boy so. You know they only last for ten years and then you got to replace them and there's a lot of embedded energy in those so I don't think they're too green either. Embedded energy is a new term I'm liking this. Embedded energy.
Yeah I like it it's a it's a new talking point but you know this is really we're not here for the culture wars today we're here for the culture and we've gotten a return guest joining us today how a lot of care food thank you for joining us Howie. Oh man I feel I feel honored yeah it's like a returning guest I mean surely there's not many yeah there's an elite list. Bambam has been on about five times. Is that by invite or he's just like He rocks up one day with oh we need to get one in so we'll get one in the can with you. Big up Bambam all day. And then Becky Lucas and then Lek Blain that's about it most people I think so yeah I think we've had Hamish Blake twice yeah I think so one was by phone call when we were real green and obviously no that was when he came in and he said the C-word off the bat we were like we're not used to hearing someone like you knows on the radio and has a show about Lego to come in and just say.
Dropping the C-bomb. First up. Yeah we're all jacked up. We had to get out of the system.
Yeah I know well and that's what we like to do here we like to cast a wider net and let people kind of be themselves and how when we first had you on there's a lot happening in the world you obviously we'll get into it you've just released a book about you know your career and the life and times but you are a pioneer of hip-hop in Australia and I don't say that lightly there would be a few names we'd point to but you would be the first and when we last spoke you know there was a rise a lot of things happening that you were directly involved with namely I mean at that point the Kid Laroi was still running around Waterloo you know yeah but one four were on the way up and all these different things were happening in Australian hip-hop since then you've written a book the books out now Kin. I'm letting everyone have it. You're letting everyone have it but look at what's happened to the scene it's almost like I reckon there would be 200 more bands and we're not talking like indie you might catch them at a gig we're talking about big numbers what is the last two years been like in your industry? Yeah super well you know I guess it's it was a bit here and there you know obviously going through the pandemic you kind of slow down but I think it hip-hop has always been such a do-it-yourself culture so you know even though we couldn't go out there and perform shows you know and sometimes we couldn't even go out there to the studio or even shoot videos but you know people with the home setups were just pumping it out you know just writing recording and throwing things out and yeah super exciting especially since that last time you know I came through just seeing that the scene as a whole not only with artists but people in media you know people going into management into you know kind of record labels and shout out to you know people like Loopy and Addit you know we kind of came up yeah you know just seeing them kind of evolve into into their roles and you know it's not only the musicians that are having their time in the Sun it's the executives and your people behind the scenes so super exciting. I want to talk about the history here obviously you're and as I've just opened with you're someone that everyone nods to you're someone that a 16 year old kid knows your name what is it like do you get that feeling when you go check something out go check out a gig you know it could be in Sydney could be in Brisbane do you know that there's a feeling in the room when someone's seen you there yeah you know I've been making music in you know for years and identifying it you know and it's yeah it is still a trip when people come up to you and say oh you know introduce yourself and well we know you did but and it is you know I think early on in my career you know just rolling with some people when that kind of happened you it was a bit I mean I think Spain was talking about so you don't know whether these guys are trying to start you know or they're admiring you but as you get older obviously you step into these spaces and people are super respectful you know I mean even if they don't like what I do they understand you know the name has weight and yeah and yeah like it's interesting you know you talked about 16 year olds and you know I work with a lot of artists that around that age and even the early 20s and now I'm like same age as their their parents or their uncles so yeah it's an interesting dynamic yeah so after all of this what prompted you to you know feel that it was the time to write a memoir you know to be honest I I didn't it's you know big shout out to Christopher Riley the co-author and it was his idea you know to be honest when he approached me about it I didn't think my story was interesting enough to to be in a book and think people would want to read it but you know he thought otherwise and so did my wife and they changed my mind and as we throughout the process it was really kind of the first time I was able to sit back and be like oh shit yeah no I did do some things been a rod yeah you know and I think from the outside looking in people will find it interesting and and it's awesome that people have you know hit me up about the book and saying that you know that they're not familiar with the hip-hop culture or even Pacifica culture but they they find stories in there that resonate with them and I love hearing that when you say Pacifica culture I mean I always think back to the gang of you's when they won album the year the Arias actually like mentioned that in the audiobook cuz I did the audiobook as well there's some some bonus stories I threw in there and that moment was one of them David Lapepe when he said we don't have to be bouncers we don't have to be footy players they were kind of laughs and he's like no no seriously the industry wasn't ready to hear it like obviously they're like and you know that's been a thought in the community for a long time but you know we have to do the work as well yeah I want to talk to because it's not I mean obviously there has been a rise in a meteoric rise in Polynesian musicians in Australia pretty much starting with you and then from that moment when you know Lapepe made it clear I think was already in the works and then we've just seen it one after another one after another in terms of not just hip-hop all kinds of genres but you have come from you know a background in hip-hop in your book you say you're the only Tongans on the block we're the only Tongans on the block in the Australian hip-hop scene well it was interesting back then they're kind of you know there was a like a Pacifica scene people like six-pound like was really big in that scene but I wasn't really part of that scene funnily enough because I you know I rap like my natural accent and they were kind of rapping with the American and they were influenced by other things but I was more kind of in the circles of like the hoods and things like that so there were a lot of other Tongan artists but kind of in that scene I was the only one and even you know there was only a few DJs and maybe you know like shout out to MC trades you know Fiji in background she was she was around then too so but you know it's a different time then too like it was very multicultural and very small and very intimate but there was a lot of love back then we spoke to the hoods not long ago and we asked them what did the scene look like early days in Adelaide yeah lots of rooms of men I mean I guess that's the graffiti element like you know you're not really bringing your misso to a gig and you get and the girls aren't coming early days anyway but you know even the girls would rock out there like full tracksuit yeah and they'll probably like throw down with you too trying to talk to them but there is a DNA which a lot of I think a lot of the young kids do know especially the ones coming through now where there might be completely different sounds from you know hilltop woods to chillin it to you know whoever's coming through now but there is a DNA and and and I do think they do acknowledge it you don't think they think all we've invented this the new artist like the drill and the and the you know the kids who belong I think that you know this is a few it's removed like you know like like a chillin it right he he always says that he listened to horror show and obviously horror show we're listening to the hoods and you know so there is that kind of DNA that kind of goes through that like the part of the fabric I mean even if you look at like halfs and and you know the one fours you could probably connect them to the enters and to the curses in a way even though they don't make similar music but you know you can't deny that they kind of you know sesques and all those guys broke down well kind of paved the way a little bit you know even if they didn't listen to them religiously like by some way they're related Bambam said it to us himself he said the first time they have even as little you know lads Western Sydney shes the fee said the first moment for them was cursor yeah cursor is the sickest the moment they saw that on YouTube it actually validated their whole thing their accents the way they dressed everything it became like a scene in a moment do you remember the moment for you guys when you know it felt like oh no this is the Australian hip-hop scene you know cool it's not just coolism it's not just whatever happening in WA at the time it's not just Brad Strutt it's like we actually have a validation here I guess you can look at that a couple of ways you know we can look at you know radio kind of coming in and showing their support you know the R is kind of acknowledging okay like we have to yeah yeah you know introduce a category and you know we can talk about the hoods to like just blowing up and and you know we may have talked about it before but I do talk about it in the book just seeing them go from strength to strength just you know because we had people like twelve hundred techniques and resin dogs kind of groups like that avalanches like kind of breaking through but yeah once the hoods came through it's just like oh okay we're out of here like yeah you know like they'll play again playing on commercial radio you know people that splendor headlining yeah you know yeah all those festival runs and you know just even people that don't even listen to hip-hop with with listening to it yeah yeah there was one part of the book that interests me about when you were talking about going to play a gig in Katoomba and places like that like and then you went on to play at the Gaelic Club what was it like playing in these like smaller places like Katoomba back then like was there much of a scene in like yeah there actually was you know like because you think about Blue Mountains yeah and the artists that came through like the Earthboys, Hermitude. The Blue Mountains actually has a stash of talent. It does man like you know I mean that obviously all came here at some point but the electrics like all these young people coming through and there was I mean it was small admittedly but it was very hardy you know like they were very supportive and passionate and there you'd play at the I think it's Katoomba hotel and I just remember was just super freezing but people would just rock up and just party out and like be heaving inside then you walk out and you're kind of like yeah one of those cigarettes that last like three drives. Tell us I mean Katoomba is an interesting one Queenbee in itself has always had a bit of a scene too I mean obviously you came out of there and you're the face of it in many ways alongside her. You hear that Lucksa?
We went to the same high school. Of course yeah right.
No but there is you know there's different scenes. What other places surprised you? Because you know I know no one has ever said this but when you've really rusted on as a hip-hop artist in Australia I think a lot of them realize their bread and butter is in these rural hubs.
Tamworth shows sell out for Cursa. You know what I mean like where have you seen these like that? Well any show will sell out for Cursa.
But yeah I mean it was always interesting when we did tours and went to Perth yeah because then you'd go to Bunbury. Bunbury. Yeah yeah you know like you drive out to Bunbury.
I remember I went on the Resin Dogs tour and it was Resin Dogs and it was us and part of the Resin Dogs crew was Abstract Rude who's a you know African-American from I think maybe South Central or something like that so he's like kind of militant you know he's proper black dude and then just seeing him. He's got an American accent. Yeah you know long dreads like down to his ass you know and he sticks out like so even in the city you'd see him be like oh where's he from? And just seeing him walk around Bunbury like he'd walk around and go oh yeah Bunbury you know like he'd be feeling like he's probably down South so I'm just like wow where are we? But he'd love it because it's funny to him.
You know like Freo of course and what's the other one? Busselton is that it? Yeah yeah you know. Adelaide is the fact that the hoods come out of the hilltops like yeah it's a bizarre little kind of chasms and veins you find throughout the country. I know there's something happening in North Queensland right now too. Yeah yeah. Ipswich has certainly had its moment. Switch yeah. Yeah the Sudanese what do they call it?
Swish. Yeah Swish yeah.
I've been seeing them around. Tell me now though when when did you feel like this is something I'm going to be able to do after music? By the way I know you haven't hung up the microphone just yet but yeah in terms of oh like no longer making music and working in hip-hop without making music when did you realize that was going to be a thing? Yeah it's um well coming out of being an artist like yeah so yeah like doing radio like working at triple j I was still an artist when when I started and even like throughout my time there was an artist but then I was able to you know and then becoming a mentor kind of happened like naturally because you know obviously when you're doing the show people asking for opinion and feedback and then you know have this dialogue with all these young artists and then you realize oh I'm actually contributing to their development and um that just kind of grew and grew and you know met people like turquoise prince you know kind of took him under my wing and then meet people like Remy and Sampa and you know sometimes with Leroy and obviously one four and yeah I was very fortunate that I was able to evolve on my watch yeah as well evolve evolve what you could see happening yeah yeah yeah seeing and still staying tapped in but also knowing like oh okay I don't have to be an artist to be involved yeah in this culture yeah and also you know with hip-hop you know suffers from ageism you know we're kind of coming out of that now yeah seeing people like Jay-Z and Nas and yeah doing things forever ever yeah yeah you know so yeah and just be able to grow older in age but still kind of bring that wisdom and knowledge and experiences to you know to the younger younger generations and you know I always mention it you know I never had that growing up so yeah it starts with you guys right yeah there was no there was no old heads before you yeah well there were like because you know we were the tail end of the first generation but you know they kind of did their thing whether it was hip-hop or graffiti or just street shit but then wouldn't move on from there like we didn't have anyone kind of moving into radio or into you know like record labels or management you know we're kind of that generation that's been able to do that you know in the States and the UK they've done that for years and now we're getting to to be a part of you know to build that kind of structure here in Australia I do remember my first Coolism I wouldn't be able to tell you the name of the song but I remember it was on Napster so sorry about that taking like 10 years to download yeah yeah dad can't make a phone call for the next fucking 30 minutes because I'm downloading one song and I do remember going to some of those early gigs I might have even been at that resin dog tour what I loved about it then was this kind of infantile scene had all these influences that you don't really see elsewhere in the world particularly people that paint trains are directly involved in hip-hop in Australia and that it was so punchy in the in the sense that like you know these guys already have things that kind of they punch on over which is yeah I often laugh yeah you know I grew up with writers and I always say it's a mug sport yeah because you know like you know everything on the line yeah we know we talk about the kind of you know the beef and the tension nowadays in the hip-hop culture but man that's just pan pasta with beady like see it's on site yeah it is they run across the room yeah punching on you know because when you're like capping someone that's just like the ultimate disrespect and then when you see him out yeah like you said just on what's that sledge date toy toy your toy that is it right that's the that's fighting words yeah yeah you know you bite like those biter your toy like that they were like fighting words and and you know these weren't just like normal punch-ons either like sometimes they'll be carrying like a knife or a screwdriver or you know because you know a lot of them are not that big either so they're just going to use anything in everything backpack full of iron lack cans yeah you know like man yeah and yeah very sketchy characters although but iron lack can be used for other things like spray painting your furniture you know i don't want to i thought you're going to say like you remember people used to spray it in the bags yeah like you see people walk around yeah that was a very 90s thing wasn't it but the scene has evolved and i think what's made it so much richer and actually been able to kind of expand from these poor publicans these poor publicans that would agree to a hip-hop gig and their bathrooms would just get demolished with graffiti yeah that's i mean yeah and then their patrons would get demolished by the new south wales police force as well yeah i mean yeah that that was it was a fun time it was a fun it was a bit you kind of had to kind of respect about the same time the publicans the publicans who had a bit of you know and there were a few around sydney there were a few around um i remember in fortune valley the zoo was one big venue that jumped on and they just said mate we can paint over the bathroom these kids are coming here and drinking all night and making music and playing music and it brings quite a scene especially when the radio starts playing all this stuff but the different influences have come through bit by bit what have you seen and been the biggest influences that inform the current scene now obviously there's a fair bit of england but i also think the the the ballet clubs and flares yeah i feel like i'm at a wondrous match but the also the idea of uh you know different nationalities different backgrounds i didn't see any sudinese kids involved you know back in the day and that you know this is all progress and this is all the rich tapestry of hip-hop as you said been happening in england for years but yeah there's completely different sounds that come with completely different cities and completely different crews what do you think is happening right now yeah yeah and i definitely think it is you know it comes with generations because you know we had kind of like the south sudinese refugees coming through and then you see the children and they're they're growing up on different music they're not growing up on necessary cursor or hilltop hoods they're now growing up on like young thug or harlem spartans yeah harlem spartans you know and it's it's a beautiful theme because there are you know it's hip-hop is funny because we're so hell-bent on being anti-establishment but then we have these unwritten laws that you have to abide by it they have to conform yeah you know and if you you know if you're you know go against them and you're you're finished but i think it's a beautiful thing like just you know we talked about off air like kids being able to shoot a video down at the willamoo wolf yeah you know like you can you can actually do anything you want and that you know it is a bit of the wah-wah west but it's beautiful because people just feel passionate and courageous enough to to do that and whether it's being influenced by the uk or the u.s or wherever you know there are no rules yeah yeah well as you wrote in the book the scenes come a long way from when you know the cat empire was once considered urban but always world music well like it wasn't really until the calling really that australian hip-hop really hit the mainstream what was that moment like when the calling came out and all of a sudden you're hearing australian hip-hop in taxis yeah yeah you know because it was yeah you know and it was crazy because you know we grew up we grew up together the hoods and and us and you know a few others and to see one of us make it was very liberating you know it was like oh yeah it's one of us you know they're out there they're breaking down barriers for the rest of us to come through and it was it was very because you know you'd walk through a mall and like every shop is playing hip-hop r&b even and just to see that change was was awesome to see because we were no longer having to kind of defend the music we were listening to you know people just understood yeah it was exciting times what's that one look the old queen being closing you've done well for yourself haven't you yeah yeah scrub double right you've done well for yourself yeah you know and um yeah and even to go back to those towns and you know it's funny you know you talk about like queensland and influence uh you know we talk about the influence of the west you know you can go to to queensland where it's like 40 degrees but they still wear like head to toe tracksuits i've seen that happen too because back in the day the boys used to wear the dickies at the timberlands and now they've just gone they've kind of followed sydney's lead they're on full track black socks with the chuck tailors yeah yeah yeah well no well there's one thing i've always wanted though because you know as a person who grew up on slim dusty and van morrison uh when the calling came out that was uh that was you know it was obviously very new for for me but one thing that always confused me was what's the guy with like the anime and them being obsessed with like swords and shit that is very interesting because i mean like if anyone knows it's probably like dnd or something yeah or like the wu tangs you know like they're always there's a martial arts element yeah yeah well kind of i like martial arts but the whole medieval thing that they they came through it was very interesting like the first time i saw like was a matter of time the ep and had those drawings i was like what is going on here it's like very gothic but yeah that whole anime thing yeah it's a crack at all and you've seen it now in um like those pen with panthers lads are all into their kind of yeah their boom box coming through yeah with but also with the anime and oh they've got their cartoon characters themselves and stuff too it's all but that wasn't you're right that was a moment it was the blues coming through into the into the change rooms and they were blasting on the boom box yeah you know toto and luai it is now a great opportunity for australia to see how hip-hop is one of those genres that blends perfectly with sport and fashion not many do you know what i mean iggy pop might have been able to put him in a gucci campaign and yeah you know and he's down there watching the song you know you can get the oasis iggy pop yeah yeah but um galaga's watching soccer you know what i mean but the the fact that we have a genre like this where um we're now seeing in the highlight reels in the nrl and the afl um and and the super rugby of you know australian drill rap or australian hip-hop uh the boys are all doing you know sponsorship deals with different sportswear and luxury sportswear mind you um it's all happening and there's a fair bit of money going around are you happy to see the kids getting paid because you guys were bumping in bumping out you know in vans yeah i mean yeah definitely you know like if there's money to be made you know a lot of that money should go to to these guys they're doing the work because everyone wants to be associated with with the artists because they're they're cool you know you see you know i see hooligan hef's like insta stories he's in the the roosters box watching the game and he's got the brand new veneers yeah yeah shout out to the veneers man must have been gone up the through the roof 100 percent last couple years scotty mars said that when he goes out and meets a bunch of uh you know lads out west they're painting trains and they've all got game show smiles yeah that's very true you know like it's all cursed it's got a new set as well and yeah good on them man you know like when spending spending got his done i was like what's going on here but you know it's money well spent i guess you know i was saying probably can't do it yeah because you lose them all yeah but you know it is awesome to see you know people getting these deals and everything i just hope you know these corporations like really invest in them not just like throwing them some shirts and shit yeah yeah you rattled off a few names that you said you felt honored to be able to have worked with those are some serious feathers in your cap you know what i mean let's let's talk about the biggest names in music in the world right now one of them's kid leroy yeah you were there at the start i remember i remember three years ago four might have been longer i remember you were the one that brought him into the studio with one four they ended up doing together how did those moments feel when you see that that raw talent right in front of you yeah you're probably not thinking at the time this is going to be a justin bieber collaboration right here this little kid wearing a bunnies tracksuit he's going to work with oh what's her name like billy miley cyrus yeah um i'm going to see him on snl with elon mask and miley cyrus i can just see him now and then he's going to go on to buy twitter no um well you know ricky ricky was the one that brought leroy in and you know shout to ziggy as well like he was looking after leroy too and you know i mean i was around there but there were definitely people that were close to him and and worked with him a lot longer but yeah just being in the studio with one four and him and you know i tell a lot of people like you you definitely saw that he was going to be something you know like same with sampa the great when i first saw sampa i was like man she is something special happening and she's flying out of australia like she's she's international now yeah yeah she's got like people like will smith posting music and yeah leroy because you know i think also because he was 14 13 14 when and you'd see him everywhere sneaking in the clubs sneaking in clubs and into festivals wherever you know like nookie would take him around as well and but to see his work ethic in the studio was yeah kind of solidified like yeah he's going to go somewhere because he wasn't just in there like yeah check me out on the cool rapper dude he was in there working working the computer go back to the mic record go back to he was just constant and always singing and rapping and i know everyone like even one four was saying afterwards they learned a lot watching him record because he would just go in there kind of mumble stuff not even put words to it and then figure out the words later and just be constant yeah and he would do that every day i remember i i was lucky in a nookie teed us up with tickets to um the wu tang at the opera house and the the kid before when he was very much the kid leroy was sitting next to us and i remember seeing him throughout the gig i mean i'm sitting there watching it i remember seeing him just writing notes writing stuff down it would have been 14 was yeah prepubescent you know like hadn't had the gross birth was still there with the bunnies beanie and was just sitting there writing notes writing notes and that kind of i mean that speaks to a kid that knows that there's a pathway you know what i mean yeah there wasn't really one for you guys it was it was let's just keep the tide rises together but it was a grind it was a grind you know he actually in his mind had la yeah but again you just he crossed that kind of talent maybe once twice two times in your lifetime yeah and you know of course other people around him gave him that courage to to dream that as well you know he was looking up to the monu crooks and yeah well those artists and they would kind of foster his talents and nurture and but yeah you still have to have something in you to feel like nah i'm gonna this is what i mean i had that in high school like i mean all i knew was i wanted to be a rapper yep but i still had that vision like that's what i want to do besides playing robla i just want to be a rapper but you know we build this thing and and it gives the courage for the young next generations to go oh they did that cool i can get there i'm sure i can get to the next spot yeah and he just thought 50 steps ahead and he was ready for as well we haven't even touched on the you know the very personal themes in your in your memoirs and you know there's there's a lot more to you than just the music there's you know there's obviously the word king can you tell us a little bit about that is that is that your yeah so the title of king was that was my wife's idea actually because we were thinking about titles and she said king and i was like no how am i gonna look coming out of the book king you know like you don't call yourself king people call you you know appoint you the king and she's like no because of your name so my name how it like translates to king in toma and my full name is helper of the king uh that name was given to me by my uncle sione who's a historian and he was working for the king at the time so that's how he got me the king and and then there's also like you know the king you know the elder statesman in hip-hop but also the beauty of nurturing the next kings and queens and you know the king maker yeah the king maker and for me that's the exciting part there's a lot in this story to tell and i particularly love reading about the the tongan australian experience i think that's something we haven't even touched into we can see the here and now with polynesians in australia but we don't often hear the stories are coming up we spoke a lot about it last time we had you on but um how does it feel now seeing you know so much culture in the mainstream you know i'm just thinking about that match the other night sorry by the way uh you know one point in it i guess still found me wrong i don't know if you slept much that night one point some old tongue a tough day that day yeah the memes are flying fast yeah but just yeah just this uh the fact that there are now little kids you know who aren't tongan running around who know tongan words who know you know no tongue i mean even yeah it's a beautiful thing you know like even for me to go to a lego store with my kids and they're able to pick up moana lego yeah like that to me is i was my mind is blown i mean even just disney doing that movie so to see it kind of come through and represented in in the mainstream is such a beautiful thing because you know obviously growing up in queen bien 70s and 80s and even 90s you know it was very rare yeah you would say from tongan they're like where's that yeah yeah shout out to the to the macros the macro community in queen bien and then you'd probably see the you know like one tongue player like sienna pefita used to play for dragon you know like it's just very rare to see them around and and now it's just so ingrained you know you go to new zealand and you would see it yeah you know obviously because it's just a deeper history there but now you see him well even now i see islanders on ads yeah you know and i'm just like before like oh now it's kind of becoming a bit more normal which i love you know and like my daughter's involved in tv like ads and stuff too and just to see pictures come through and they are looking for young pacific you know islander yeah you know it's yeah very beautiful and it's not just footy and it's not just footy and it's not forced either yeah this is what the suburbs look like now and you know heartbreak high is a good testament to that i don't know if you know you would address the same way as a young man no bump or go to the same harbor side mansions for your parties and that's right you know do you say bump like that is that to me is an awesome show because he had the islander friend and he was just a friend yeah wasn't the islander like home and away eyes he comes to the crib you know like he was just a mate who happened to be an islander and like you said it's not forced that's awesome to see yeah well this entire scene has been forced by you how i would say you've done you've done the hard yards and you've been on the ground from almost the very start so congratulations for that congratulations for where it's at now and all the best with the book thank you i appreciate you guys and being on that elite list of second comers yeah yeah and the books out now books out now audiobook i read the whole thing i'm not sure if i'll ever do an audiobook again after that experience but yeah it was a good one can you just read that again first please it was like it was like that that's just how i talk beauty thanks man thank you appreciate |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Alan_Jones_s_Retirement_The_Budget_An_NRL_Anti_Vax_Update_Weekly_News_Bulletin_15_05_20 | Gettin' used to all this, and the pubs'll be open soon, it sounds. What's in the news this week, as we embrace the excitement of our country reopening? Well, to start off with, Alan Jones has announced his resignation as leader of the Liberal Party this week. Yes, it's one of our biggest stories this week. The Parrot of Sydney's Harbourside has announced he'll be hangin' up the boots, or hang up the microphone, if you will. Prime Minister Scott Morrison says he was initially nervous about a future with Alan Jones telling him how to think, but having spent the last couple of months following the advice of medical experts, and finding success, he's feeling a little bit more confident. Well, it reminds me of a story from the last time I saw Alan Jones out. So basically, we're at Taronga Zoo, a bit funny, and finger. But anyway, that's my Alan Jones story.
Any comments on that one, Wendell? Yeah, there was one from Mark Van Sharm, a resident of our Baturda Heights district, and he said, all we need now is the 150 extremist left-wing journalists at the ABC to resign, and things will be on an equal footing. Interesting point there, Mark Van Sharm, never thought of it that way, that Alan Jones was necessary, as one of the biggest voices in the Australian media, to balance up the inner-city lefties of the ABC. Interesting point. Maybe there will be a bit of a clean out of the ABC once we no longer need them for emergency update.
Yeah, we'll wait and see. I don't know when that'll be.
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has this week realised that he has to fill the $360 billion hole in the federal budget without taxing anyone who voted for him. Yes, the Melbourne doormat has suddenly realised to his horror that he has to try and get the nation back on track without taxing the rich or big business fairly. Yes, but he has also announced that he's confident the 380,000 jobs that have disappeared under coronavirus will re-emerge over the next couple of weeks, as pubs and restaurants are given clearance to serve 10 people at a time. Good to stay positive, Josh.
Elsewhere around the country now, and a local anti-vaxxer has urged people to do their own research into car seats. That's right, according to French Quarter residents Banjo Clement and Magnolia Hibiscus, car seats and baby capsules can cause scoliosis and diabetes to children because of the pressure it puts on their spine and pancreas. And they want the world to know this. Yeah, do you know what else causes scoliosis and diabetes in young children? Flying out of a car windscreen, that also causes it. Nothing eight or nine trips to the chiropractor cannot fix that.
Moving on to other parts of town now, and a man from Baturda Heights has revealed that he's amazed at his girlfriend's ability to continue to buy so much shit, despite not having anywhere to go. What was this local man's name, Wendell?
Derek, his name was, I believe. Shut up, Derek. Stop being a Derek.
Yeah, Derek contacted us this week wanting to whine about his girlfriend buying clothes that she can't really wear anywhere, other than a sit-down meal at the pub at the moment. And look, he probably is right that Chantelle is buying a lot of clothes, she'll probably wear three times, then leave in the cupboard for the next two years, then give to Lifeline. But his girlfriend's also revealed to us that he's not exactly Mr. Frugal. Yeah, she said that he's bought more than his fair share of Grog and Takeaway over the ISO period, and just shelled out for two full-price PlayStation games, which are not exactly cheap. Have any of you two bought some big ticket items lately? I got a new 360 hanging eggshell chair. Australian made leather, but it was a joint purchase.
It also doubles as a bit of a swing of some sort. Well, you're not babysitting my kids anymore, Clancy. I just paid for a Pardas LAX-12 leather action 12-gauge shotgun over the phone, but I won't be able to take it out on Lake Batuda to shoot a bunch of dolphins until, you know, I guess they open the lake again, which, you know, that's up to the national parks. Yeah, a bit of a shame. Hopefully they do open it up soon.
And wrapping up with a sports story now, a heavily Botox NRL wag has told her heavily tattooed NRL husband to not let those needles near him. Yes, despite a long Instagram career that has seen her benefit from the use of needles, Gold Coast wag Kaelan Taya Shaley says she doesn't want her boyfriend to get the flu jab because it's dangerous for his health or something.
Anyway, that is all from us here at The Boterda Ravic. Thanks for joining us, and we'll be back again next week with a wrap-up of all of the biggest stories from our humble Inland newspaper. Until then, my name's Wennell Hussey. I'm Clancy Overall. Be kind, be safe, wash your hands. And my name is Errol Parker. Stay off the beach. |
dropout | Ultramechatron_Team_Go_Bloopers | Oh damn, this hot potato is fully loaded. Hahahaha Looks like I'm the me to save the day. Derp derp derp. I can make decisions too. Throw the booroo. Brrrrrr. Bow bow bow bow bow.
We all saw you getting your fucking fucking banging your boner against the bottom of your desk when hot potato came strolling through here. Okay, your fucking boner was banging all over the desk. Your boner was so fucking hard it was banging against the bottom of your desk. I saw you fucking banging your fucking boner in our laptop. You saw that?
If we had an HR, I'd tell. Yeah, but we don't. On you. We don't have an HR.
Okay, that's fucking nasty freak. Alright, fine. I know I can't do that now.
That's a big hand. Oh, those are big hands.
It's so gross, I can't even eat my food while he's eating. He comes into my cockpit and I have to do. I'm talking. He's like making out with a sandwich.
I didn't get a turn.
We were told to keep talking. But maybe I'll go quiet. Okay, I'll go quiet. You said we all get to shine. I'll go quiet.
He says that. I know. He said we all shine and then we shine together. We're all gonna shine. I didn't get to shine. I have had every cocktail.
I'm the doctor of Mr. Martin. What is his last name? Mr. Barton. I found his bones. What? I found his bones and I gave him a blowboy.
Trish. Trish is supposed to get armed with that. No. Trish, I warned you this would happen. I warned you, Trish. You're puking on my back. You didn't train. Trish.
Did we though? Because I used to know everything about everything.
And now I don't even know how I wound up into Armin's Cockpot. Cockpot? I heard Trish is in Armin's Cockpot. Oh, I heard Trish is in Armin's Cockpot. Wait, what is the word? Cockpotty.
Cockpot. Crockpot. Cockpot. Cockpit.
I forgot the word entirely. Sorry. What the fuck hat is she talking about?
Your hat.
What about it? Just fuck it. Your hat. Stop laughing. Ultra mecha- I've hit a really rough point. Yeah, no fuck. The wall. That's the rough point we hit. I'll suck your d*** for five stars. Okay. We are technically an SUV. Sporty-tickle-ville. It looks like you converted your LFO to your L- It looks like you converted your LFO to an LMAF.
No.
I feel like words are not for me. They're not for me. Words aren't, they're not meant for me. Words fuck.
I hope while we're gone we don't miss anything really crucial that would prove my- Something happened to Armin. Armin? Armin, are you okay? What's going on?
Sush bag. Where'd you get that? Sush bag.
We all remember different jingles. I remember the 90's ones.
Gal attacks. fuck Gal attack. Gal attack. God damn it. Gal attacks!
Just write him a letter, tell him he was right, we were wrong. Shut up. Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, it was very funny. It made me laugh. Did you get that? It's like a line. Look right in my eye. Did you feel it? The squish of my eye? I liked it, it was funny.
I sent him. Let me do that one more time. It's a little bigger. fuck. The center was incredible, Tiff. That's me, no, I'm Tiff. In many ways, a relationship is like a carrot case. Thanks, guys. It's a globe.
There's a lot of countries in Africa. They're truly, did you say that right? I beg your pardon, there's a lot of countries in Africa? Collateral damage is used by leaders and military experts to describe.
I can't. Wait, wait, I want to see where he's going. I'm so sorry.
The tiny little chroma-carrot cake on the cloth. Ultimate Geometry Team, go! |
cracked | yeah_that_curb_your_enthusiasm_plotline_that_got_larry_a_letter_from_the_ga_sec_of_state | Now if you missed it, in the first episode of the final season of Curb, Larry gets arrested for violating the state's election laws when he gives a water bottle to Leon's and when she's waiting in line to vote. The episode had a lot of people googling, is this an actual law? And yeah, it is. In 2021, Georgia passed SB 202, known as the Election Integrity Act. The law does a lot of things to ensure the integrity of elections, but it also prohibits handing out food or water to any voters within 150 feet of a polling site. Anyone who violates this law can face up to a year in jail and an $1,000 fine. Apparently when Larry heard about this law being enacted, he said, that's absurd, that's ridiculous, and he told his curb writers, I think it'd be really funny if I got arrested for that on the show. Georgia Secretary of State, Brad Raffensperger, sent a letter directly to Larry, which has just been released. Like to congratulate you on becoming the first and to our knowledge, only person arrested for distributing water bottles to voters within 150 feet of a polling station, sassy. I'm afraid they've gotten used to bigger stars. |
TheOnion | Lance_Armstrong_Admits_Drug_Use_Plans_Return_To_Cycling_As_Flamboyant_Fan_Hating_Villain | In his heavily anticipated interview with Oprah Winfrey, Lance Armstrong has confessed to using performance-enhancing drugs and announced his return to the Tour de France as outrageous, fan-taunting villain Kill Strong. Kill Strong told Oprah, I was once cycling's golden boy, but now that the world rejected me, I will be your greatest nightmare. It's time to bring the pain to the Tour de France. Before the Australian Road National Championships, Kill Strong and his posse put the rest of the racing world on notice, shouting quote, Shut your mouths and get out of the way, I'm coming for you, and you, and you. Before delivering a punishing blow to racer Bradley Wiggins with a folding chair. And the evil outlaw has gotten cycling fans riled up. Oh man, I thought I liked the old Lance, but now all bets are off. He's about to unleash a world of hurt.
Yeah! God, I loved you Lance. What are you doing up there? What are you doing? You can't just switch sides like that! |
SaturdayNightLive | zac_efron_monologue_thanks_to_the_tweens_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Zach Efron! Man, it's great to be here. for those of you who don't know me, my name is Zach Efron. for those of you who do know me, thanks for staying up so late. tonight is very important to me because I get to reach out to a whole new audience. But first, if you don't mind, I'd like to say something to the fans who brought me here. Hey, twins. Zach Efron Here. I just wanted to take a moment in the show to say hi to you guys.
And by guys, I mean girls. because, let's face it, twins, I owe you big time. if it weren't for you, I'd just be some random college student instead of a college-age man pretending to be a high school student. Plus, I want to thank you for the financial support. True, your parents gave me that money, but you gave me something even more valuable.
Your attention. No! And if someone can keep a Tween's attention for more than five minutes, parents will pay that person all of their disposable income. So thank you! No! Thank you, Zach Efron!
Wow, you guys are really excited, huh? hi! hi! hello, sir. are you their father? no. okay. well. can we take a picture? Yeah, sure, guys. come on up here. this is nice.
I guess not all of my fans are Tweens. Yeah, I'm a twifty. What's a twifty? between 40 and 50.
Okay, ready? one, two, three. party? Yes. yes, I do. Is it your girlfriend? let's just say it's a girl. Yuck. we've got a great show for you tonight. The yeah yeah yeahs are here. so stick around, everybody. we will be right back. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_draymond_green_on_his_nba_suspension_snl | This week, the Nba suspended Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green five games for putting another player in a choke hold. here to comment is Draymond Green.
I can't wait to do it again.
So why are you so angry? I mean, you choke Rudy Gobert for no reason. I had a reason, all right? Rudy Gobert is a tall Frenchman who's been pissing me off for years. imagine if you had a seven-foot baguette in your face talking about, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. you want to do something, too. Yeah, but you gotta get why the league is mad, though, right? I mean, not really. it's not like I choked Lebron or Kevin Durant. you know, we talking about Rudy Gobert, the fourth best player in Minnesota.
Well, this hasn't been a thing with you guys for years. it sounds like you really hold a grudge. I mean, I wouldn't say I hold a grudge, you know, but when someone crosses me, I never forget it, So. honestly, I feel like the whole situation is being blown out of proportion. you choked a man during a game. okay, yeah, but I was trying to kill him. So if you think about it, Che, I showed restraint. so you don't feel bad even a little bit. Oh, I mean, I always feel mad.
No, I said bad. Draymont, Draymont, even your own coach called your actions inexcusable and said your five-game suspension was deserved. he really said that?
Yeah. hmm, interesting. What are you writing, man? just a little This, mm-hmm. stuff I gotta do later.
Draymont, this isn't even your first suspension. I mean, you one stepped on a guy's chest. you kicked another player in the groin? Look, Che, I had to kick him in the groin. that's where it's nuts at. what is all this really about, Draymont?
Look, it's simple to lead. it's too soft these days, all right? ain't nothing but a bunch of light-skinned dudes with side-skirt, shy-show bob hair, you know? See me?
I play dark-skinned basketball. hit different, all right? I ain't dribbling all fancy. I ain't shooting from half-court, Mm-mm.
I'm throwing big men in headlocks and I'm putting the little ones in the stone-cold stutter like that. But why? Because I'm an unfortunate, that's my job. I see my teammates in trouble and I strangle that trouble. you know, all I care about is the safety of my teammates. Okay, but what about when you punch your own teammate in the face? you trying to get on the list? No, I'm just trying to understand. You have a very violent reputation. thank you. that's a compliment, man.
How come nobody ever talks about the good stuff I do off the court? like what? Did you know every Thanksgiving I go down to my old neighborhood and I whip turkeys at people? yeah. everybody running, the birds flying, it's fun. What kind of message do you think your behavior sends to the kids watching? Look, to all you little hoopers out there watching me, I hope y'all learn this. play with passion, take boxing lessons, and most importantly, be dark-skinned. very much green, everybody.
All right, we'll be on cover for your skinny ass. We'll be on cover for your skinny ass. |
dropout | troopers_gun_privileges | They gave us our gun back!
Let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see. Rich, I can...
No!
You're the reason they took it away in the first place. Huh. Sound like me. So we'll be returning your station's firearm on a probationary basis.
Oh my god! Rich! We got our gun back! Yeah, I'm gonna live for... Forever! Come on, Rich.
It was one time. One time? Really?
What about the princess? She seduced me! Hey princess, wanna see my gun? Okay. God, she wanted me. She killed like ten of our guards.
So in love. You know, I'm wounded another twenty-five. Say when you meet a soulmate, you just... you just know it.
You had, uh, what? Two months worth of funeral?
Oh, she makes me feel so alive. She made a lot of other people feel dead.
You know what? You're not so perfect either, dude. See?
I told you I could hit that window! Now pay up! You know, at first I didn't believe you, but I didn't believe you. I didn't believe you, but, but now I do! Oh no, the money! Ah!
Man, we've lost our gun privileges a lot.
Yeah, I know, like twenty-two or twenty... Was it twenty-three times? Yeah, twenty-three times.
Still, shooting a hole in a window is not nearly as bad as just giving it to the princess. You already brought that up. No, no, I mean the second time you did it. Ah. Okay princess, I've taken some completely voluntary precautions. And there's no way you're going to take this gun again.
Really? No way. Really? Not happening. Really? Nope. Really? Nah. Ah.
Oh yeah, like I'm so bad, like fuck me, fuck Larry. Yeah, fuck you. I'm so bad.
Look at Chase. So yeah, our armor completely laser-proof. Give it a shot. Really?
Come on, Red. This is sound right. Come on, man. I hope you push you in the stomach. I think I hear a buzz.
Okay, okay. Alright, fine. Here we go.
Try me. See?
We both screwed up. So let's promise each other to take better care of the gun.
Agreed? Agreed. Ah. |
dropout | mick_foley_mystery | Oh my god, Pat, what happened? Somebody hit me with a metal chair while I was using the bathroom. I didn't even get a good look at his face. And the worst part is, they did it before I peed, so I still have to go actually. Wait, wait, wait, Pat. You don't think it could have been...
McFolley. Why would it be McFolley?
Hey guys, I put the contact spreadsheet into a Google Doc, so now it's easy access for everyone. Oh, thank you so much, really. Yeah, that's great.
He's a WWE Hall of Famer, it makes sense. Wow, so just because of his past, you're going to judge him? That's profiling.
Hey, you were using the bathroom this morning. Maybe it was you.
Hey, you guys want a baby carrot, so I brought some from home. I would love a baby carrot, thank you very much.
This is a bad day, so I'm showing my darling live-in girlfriend Shinnebula around the office. The next thing I know, she's leaving me for some mysterious hippie Lothario. The worst part is, he's also dating my mom.
Oh, have mercy. Gosh, fellas, that's just awful. What type of sick, handsome maniac could be causing all this havoc? Wait a second. A giant hippie? A dude of love? If you will. I think it's pretty obvious that the mystery man here is Owen because he has that coexist sticker. Get back my Shinnebula! Wait, hold on there, Buster, hold on. Violence is never the answer. Okay guys, listen. A steel chair, a flamboyant ladies man, sound like any WWE superstars we might know? Sean Michaels. This is unbelievable.
I'm going through my sock drawer searching for my favorite pair of work socks only to find someone's drawn a little face on them. I was so upset, I barely noticed the guy setting my desk on fire. Did you see who did it?
It was mankind. Have a nice day. Too bad he wears a mask, so we'll never know his true identity. Wait a minute. Ah, perfect fit.
I'm not mankind! Okay, mankind debuted in the 90s. I did not fight The Undertaker when I was in middle school.
Guys, relax. This is getting very heated. Let's all calm down and enjoy some of my baby carrots. Oh my god, you guys won't believe what's about to happen.
As soon as I finish this sentence, Mick Foley shoves Mr. Socko in my face. He's doing it! It's the Mandible Claw! Now he's just feeding me baby carrots. That's right. He's delicious. It's packed with beta-carotene. Socko! |
dropout | The_Game_Show_of_Nerdy_Corrections_Mario_Stranger_Things_Stephen_King | from Starfire to Firestarter. Nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else and that is correcting people.
This is Um, Actually. And joining us on this episode, we have Jordan Doll. Hello.
We have Nick Marini. Yo, yo, yo.
And we have Liam Sr. Hello, lo, lo. Hello, lo, lo to all of you. Thank you so much for coming onto this episode. We are returning Jordan and Nick. And for the first time, Liam, very happy to have you here.
The rules are very simple. This is a, I have here a stack of statements. These are incorrect statements, but the things you know and love. It's up to you to find the thing that I said that was wrong. Buzz in and correct me. All your corrections have to be preceded by the phrase, um, actually. And you can interrupt me whenever you want in the question.
Yeah, how are y'all feeling? Good. I've been practicing. Okay. Just correcting people on the street. I've gotten very good at losing this game over the past couple of times I've been on. Is that true? I feel like you, for some reason, I have a memory of you doing quite well, but I, I don't know. You know what? It's just my energy.
Oh, actually, apparently we didn't. Yeah, we have a fact checker.
Great. Well, we're gonna go ahead and get started then if you all feel ready. Buzzers in hand. Um, actually is at the tip of your tongue.
We will start the question about Stranger Things. When we first meet Mike and his friends in Stranger Things, they're playing a game of Dungeons and Dragons, battling a demon known as Demogorgon. They give this same name, Demogorgon, to the monster from the Upside Down because it bears a striking resemblance to the fantasy demon. Similarly, in season two, a creature is called the Mind Flayer because it also looks like a D&D creature of the same name. Liam. Um, actually, a Mind Flayer doesn't look like the Mind Flayer in Stranger Things. That was more of like a weird kind of Cthulhu-y mass where I believe a Mind Flayer is more humanoid.
They're actually, they do a kind of, kind of similar, those two. Yeah, yeah. Nick. I don't think, um, actually. Yes.
I'm trying to remember what a Demogorgon looks like. I don't think the Demogorgons look the same. That's correct, yeah. A Demogorgon from D&D is typically depicted as a giant lizard-like humanoid with two mandrill heads mounted on snake-like necks with tentacles for arms, which is a nightmare and also markedly different from the Demogorgon in Stranger Things. Which is just a dude with like a flower of teeth for a head, if I remember correctly. Pretty more humanoid, certainly not two mandrill heads on snake necks and things like that.
Get it together, Duffer Brothers. Honestly, I would have watched that show as well. Yeah, the show with like this like Stranger Thing. Well, yeah, that's a point for Nick.
Our next question is a video game question here. Poor Lakitu.
He appears in so many Mario games but never gets to have any fun. He's an enemy in a variety of Mario games and he also shows up in Mario Kart, Mario Tennis, Mario Party, and Mario Golf, but only to retrieve balls, communicate information, and referee the games.
Ashley, I believe recently he was finally allowed to get behind the wheel of a kart. That is correct. How recently? I wanna say the latest one for the remake for the Switch. Yes, that's right.
Mario Kart 8? In Mario Kart 8 and Mario Kart 7. Lakitu is a playable kart.
Ashley, doesn't that mean he also gets to have fun? That's exactly it. He finally gets his shot to have fun. In those two, he is also doing fun things. They finally gave him his shot.
Actually, those things aren't fun because Lakitu is lame and nobody cares. Get my ball, Lakitu.
I know I'm going the wrong way. You don't need to hold the sign in front of me.
I wish to continue having fun with my real friends. Why are you here? Mom said you had to invite me.
It feels like it raises an issue if Lakitu is both refereeing the match and also racing in the match, right? Because when you're racing as him, isn't there still like a Lakitu sort of like, it's like, okay, like here come the lights. Like everything's cool. The version that's racing just has like a mustache on.
It's like, no. Oh, it's just me, it's someone else. Nothing to worry about here. I'm a different guy.
Oh, the winner is Lakitu again. What a shocker. Well, that is a point for Liam.
Randall Flagg is a recurring villain across multiple novels by Stephen King, often appearing under a pseudonym with the initials RF. He's gone by Robert Frank, Richard Feynman, Ramsay Forrest, Robert Fremont, and Raymond Fiegler, among others.
He first appeared in The Stand, but is perhaps best known for being one of the primary antagonists of the Dark Tower series. Yes, Jordan. Actually, he first appeared in The Gunslinger. He actually does first appear in The Stand.
Rats. Yeah. Um, actually one of those many names you said was not one of his names. You're gonna have to be more specific. Those names, you wanna take a stab?
Is one of them Raymond something? It's Raymond from Everybody Loves Raymond. Jordan.
Um, actually he's never been the Ramsay Forrest. He has been Ramsay Forrest.
Kidding. Yep. Gotcha. Well, you got me.
Um, actually he's never been Raymond Fiegler? No. Um, actually he spells Raymond Fiegler with a P-H. So that's the R-P. Yeah, you couldn't tell how I was saying it, but that's actually it.
All right, I'm gonna call it, and we'll just let no one got it. We'll just end up guessing here.
Richard Feynman is a famous physicist, who is a sort of cohort of Carl Sagan's, written a bunch of books and all kinds of things. He is not in fact the Man in Black, a great unknowable evil. He is a physicist. And so that is not one of his.
Oh man, that was like double deep nerd. Yeah, double deep nerd. We're not nerdy enough.
That was either, you either know Stephen King or you know physics. And either one will give you a save there. Well, no points for that one. Our next question is a fan submitted question.
So one of the viewers of this program wrote in a question, and this is about Warhammer 40,000. Orcs in Warhammer 40,000 only bear a passing resemblance to those in Tolkien's work.
Greenskins, as they're often called, are brilliant engineers capable of space flight, who worship their own gods, Gork and Mork. They also reproduce asexually through spores, similar to a fungus. Actually, they're not engineers in the sense that they're creating their own technology. They're more like scrap engineers. So they're like taking existing things, strapping those things together, and they're using other people's technology to transmit themselves to the stars in their wogs. You're pretty close. I'm gonna say that that's close enough to what we're going for here, which is that orcs are capable of space flight, but it's not because they're brilliant engineers. It's because they manifest a collective psychic field known as wog, which allows them to will technology to work through sheer force of will, not because they're particularly clever engineers and know how machines actually work.
They just believe it hard enough, and so it does work. It's the psychic equivalent of hitting the VCR. Yeah, exactly, just smacking it. Or I guess they kind of secret. They use the secret to make their machines work. Just like, guys, you know what?
I really think this spaceship's gonna get us where we need to go. There also just need to be enough of them, I think. Yeah. If there's a small colony, they ain't getting anywhere. But once they've reproduced enough, they'll be like, okay, sick. Cool, enough of us. We can go, guys. And this is our first shiny question of the game.
This is called Crunch Time. Here are time travel maps. It is up to you to identify what the property is based on the time and dates traveled to.
None of these are from movies.
Let's flip this over and let's take a look at this. What on earth do we have here? Is everybody ready? I'm ready. Let's see. Okay, here we go.
My one guess is Outlander. All right. For the first one. I didn't guess it there. Or as my people know it, Outlander. All right.
It's the one hot Scottish man in fiction. What about fat bastard?
Oh, come on now. He's not fictional. All right, Nick, why don't you show us what we got here? This is gonna be rough. Okay. I knew Outlander was a thing that included time travel. So I put it somewhere. And then that should say a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's court. Okay. Because that's the only other thing I can remember that had time travel. That's very good. And not that King Arthur's court existed. But you could travel in there. But yeah, I don't know. All right, Liam, let's see what you got. All right. So I started with George Washington's Secret Cooler biography. Okay. This is Boyhood, the book.
But I'm pretty sure it lasts more than 10 years. Time Bandits, the book, just because I like the movie. I realized that I guessed, that my only guess was H.G. Wells' The Time Machine. Pretty sure he only time travels a couple of times and not in this pattern.
Yes. Spoiler, but yeah, that is not the way that The Time Machine travels. I just wrote some crazy medieval. And then the cat in the hat comes back. Wonderful. Well, Liam, you have none correct, I'm sorry to say. Nick and Jordan, you both have one correct. What? Yes. The one guess you made, that is in fact a depiction of Outlander. And your guess for a kinetic Yankee in King Arthur's Court is correct. Okay. But let's look at those other ones and see what we got. Outlander, Timequake, is this one? Oh, Prince of Purge, of course.
I didn't even think of video games. Hey, we just said they weren't movies. We never said they were books.
The original video game. Yeah. But back in my day, our video games were printed on paper and we never wanted to read them. Kindred, kinetic Yankee in King Arthur's Court, and Prince of Persia had the end there.
Look, I don't secretly love and read Outlander all the time. Okay. No one thought you did until you said it though. I'm thinking about Outlander. And that's it for this preview of Um, Actually.
If you liked it, there's a whole lot more waiting for you on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.
I'm Mike Trapp, reminding you to get your pets spayed and neutered and to get your zombie pets obliterated. Zombie pets. They're not the pets you loved anymore.
They're gone.
Kill them.
One of these Dungeons and Dragons adventure modules is fake. The rest are all real. |
dropout | bad_dads_episode_3_with_michael_cera | So Romeo and Juliet is like lovers. They're not friends, they're lovers.
You know what I mean? Yeah, but what is it all about really? Love. It is? Because then in the end they die though, right? Isn't it?
Alright guys, time to strap on the feed bags. Assuming that Mac and Cheese is okay with Cory's girlfriend. She's not my girlfriend. Yes I am. And she does like Mac and Cheese.
Hey, C-Style, you want to go in the kitchen and grab some plates so we can start at this? Sure, dad. Great. Alright, look, we probably only have like 30 seconds, so I don't know about you, but I prefer doggy style. What are you talking about? That look you just gave me. I'm on board. Let's do this. No, I didn't give you a look, would you? Yeah, you just gave me a look.
We should have sex before he gets back. I don't want him to see. No, we had plenty of time.
Hey dad, maybe bowls would be better since it's Mac and Cheese. That's a great idea. I'll get three bowls. It's in bowls, yeah.
No, it's totally doable. I don't last long at all, so this is a very reachable goal. Okay, I don't think so.
Look, if you stop talking now, what's your father away from you? Okay, those are good. Trust me, he's slow. Corey? I'll be right there honey. Yeah, I love you. I like you too. Like we've got like five thrusts in by now, do you know what I'm saying? What? And I don't mean to like make it too clinical, but that's like half of a whole cycle for me. Alright. Hey, let's eat. Great, one more thing.
I just bought us a boatload of time, okay? So we can like relax and enjoy this. Why are you doing this? We get like five or six pumps like already if we weren't talking. Let's get going. Here, put this on. What? Put this on. Be safe for God's sakes. Come on, we could be like majorly into this. We could be like in each other.
Girls don't wear this. This is a guy, guys wear this. Why is it unwrapped? Is that right? That's for guys. It has dog hair on it.
I've never used one of those before. Is there any way you could improvise a sort of safety device for yourself?
Okay, we just got to start things. We don't have any time.
I mean, I don't have Parmesan cheese, so we've got to go. Italian Parmesan.
How did you find that? Those are the fridge. I got to know my fridge better.
Alright, I give up. Uh, tell you what, I'll be in my room. It's the last one on the left if you're interested, okay? It's right after the bathroom. We've just knocked twice. I know it's you, because otherwise I don't care. |
cracked | why_jackie_chan_should_ve_played_the_flash_cinemistakes | What's up you guys this is your boy Steven Spielberg and the host of the show's Cinema Stakes. The show where we take Hollywood's hottest films and we cut their freaking heads off and burn to the ground and we skewer them hard as hell.
Today we are taking The Flash 2023's movie The Flash. It's getting burned on the skewer stick and a lot of people are saying oh you can't skewer The Flash it's the last of all the shitty DC movies that have been coming out for a long time. Oh you got Michael Keaton and different supermans and batmans and stuff. Yeah I don't give two craps about it. Here are the top five mistakes in The Flash 2023. The first mistake in The Flash is that fast people do not run like that. In this movie you see Ezra Miller's character The Flash Barry Allen.
He's running like this and he's going you want to know what a fast person looks like? Go back and watch Terminator 2 T2. The bad guy in that the slithery oil looking robot with he looks like jail and stuff all the time. That's a fast mf'er right there. He's all like but he's not even making a face he's just going when the T2 guy runs fast he's got knives like blades. You don't see him going looks like he's about to cast a Yu-Gi-Oh! spell. Let's just say he ain't getting picked for my team in gym class. If I'm picking trying to beat someone fast I'm picking someone that runs like a badass. You put me up against The Flash right now and he's doing this. I'm gonna hit him with one of these.
Done. Plot all identified The Flash isn't fast at all. The number two biggest mistake in The Flash is that anybody would have been better than Ezra Miller.
Yeah look I know that they had a cold they choked out a fan a bunch of f-ed up stuff but I'm judging this strictly on the performance alone. To be honest I felt like I was watching Children's Theater like a children's production of The Nutcracker on Christmas Eve all right and it's the only thing that's happening on Christmas Eve and you don't have like family or stuff to hang out with that's the only thing that you can go to and you can buy a ticket and go watch it and it's like the only entertainment that's around. That's what I felt like I was watching. One thing about me is that whenever I see acting that's bad I straight up get sick as hell and I'm not talking in the brain I start getting sick physically I'm like it's really bad it's really honestly bad and I can't find a doctor that will help me with it but it's a thing.
These studios had the opportunity to make anybody be The Flash. They had so many options I mean there are so many actors that could have absolutely crushed this, knocked it out of the park. Just off the top of my head Jack Nicholson, Anthony Hopkins, Christopher Walken, Tommy Lee Jones, oh Jackie Chan dude you can't tell me that if Jackie Chan was The Flash in this movie you would not have watched that shit. Jackie Chan can do all even old Jackie Chan can do all the stunts he's probably fast as hell he's definitely not running like that and he's funny as hell too. Have you ever seen Rush Hour? Plot all identified Jackie Chan should have been The Flash. The third biggest mistake in The Flash is that The Flash gave up way too quickly.
You're telling me that you got access to unlimited timelines, unlimited universes and you can't figure out a way to save your mom and kill General Zod. Were you not in the Justice League? You probably know that Kryptonite equals bad for Krypton-tonians. You're trying to tell me that Barry Allen can go to every single universe and didn't think once to get a little Kryptonite comeback and just smash General Zod's face in the head with it and done.
I don't want to go back to this but Jackie Chan would have crushed this situation. Jackie Chan is extremely smart.
He would have been fighting General Zod on the side of a building on the scaffolding. He would have been like kicking wood floorboards that comes out like hitting General Zod in the head. He would have been like chopping metal bars and spinning them around and then at the end he would have just been like oh yeah and I got Kryptonite. He would have just thrown it and it would have just smashed General Zod in the head.
Boom. Done. General Zod's dead. Jackie Chan would have saved the day. Plot all identified. Did you forget about Kryptonite?
The fourth reason why The Flash makes absolutely no sense is that you bring Michael Keaton back just to kill him? You're gonna tell me that you're gonna get everybody all excited. You're gonna bring Michael Keaton back and then you're just gonna dust him immediately. He was amazing in this movie. Can we get a Batman movie of Michael Keaton just eating spaghetti and dust and bad guys wearing sweatpants and flip-flops and long hair looking like the dude? Batman and Batman Returns are sacred movies. They have a happy ending and they you freaking ruined it. You're freaking ruined it because now we know oh guess what this Batman dies. Plot all identified. I'd like to see Batman eat more spaghetti.
The fifth and final biggest mistake in The Flash is that superheroes don't need dead parents. It's enough. Spider-man can still be Spider-man without Uncle Ben and his Aunt May and parents and all these people dying. Bruce Wayne could still be Batman without his parents dying. Clark Kent could still be Superman with but I guess in reverse you probably have to kill his parents.
Okay so let's say for argument's sake that seeing something tragic happen is what leads a superhero to the life of justice. Just roll somebody out and freaking right in front of the superhero. In fact if you want to be a really good superhero, roll two people out.
You know how I know this because I spent a lot of my life watching crazy messed up videos on the internet and you don't forget that shit. That's what made me a superhero in my life is watching messed up videos on the internet. I'm gonna tell you right now I don't ever forget the shit that I've seen.
I probably think about it just as much if not more as Bruce Wayne thinks about his dead-ass parents. How do you think I became a manager at Lids? Although now that I'm thinking about it the only reason I think all this stuff about superheroes not having dead parents is because this movie kind of made me realize how much I love my parents. You know I think that I got to take this movie off the skewer stick. I'm taking Flash 2023 off the skewer stick and I'm giving it five stars. This was an amazing film and it made me remember how much parents rock. My name is Steven Spielberg and tune in next time for the show Cinema Stakes, the show where we take Hollywood's hottest films and we absolutely burn them to the ground most of the time. |
dropout | new_year_s_fingering | He's technically still a missing person, but I don't know what to do with him.
Okay. What's up, man? Got your champagne flew? No, not yet. Boom. Got your cupboard. Oh, nice. Thanks a lot.
Almost midnight. I know, right? Paul's about to drop? About to sing all the Langs on. Yeah, everyone's scanning around the room, trying to figure out who they're going to finger at midnight.
Yeah. What?
You know, the married couples have it the easiest. They know they're going to be fingering each other. A single's got to be hustling the entire party, flirting around so we don't have to start our year off unblasted.
What are you talking about? Are you being serious right now? Yeah, why? What?
You don't finger somebody at midnight. You kiss somebody.
Ew. Ew?
You're about to finger somebody at a party. Oh my god, calm down. What, are you 12? People get fingered at parties. Stop saying that. That makes me feel bad. What? Listen, it's New Year's. I've gotten dug out tons of times. How did you get fingered? Shut up!
You boys ready for the twitching hour? Have fun reading Braille Boys. You got it.
What are you talking about? What the fuck is going on?
Are you telling me you've honestly never given anybody the scout's honor on New Year's?
It's not a thing. Yes, it is. Why would it be kissing? That's so much more intimate than a little come hither. No, it's not. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Yes, it is.
To be kissing, you are looking right into someone's eyes. Half the times I've gotten hand whispered, I had no idea who was doing it.
What? That's New Year's, baby. No, it's not. Yes, it is.
Look, I don't have time to argue with you, all right? It is 11.59 p.m. I have less than a minute left to find somebody to give me the old hook and pull with their knuckler.
Or failing that, let me click their mouse a couple times, or it's bad luck for the whole year. Do you want that on your conscience? No, you're a freak. What, because I love holidays?
Okay, okay, okay, we're out of time. Look, listen, Raph, let's just give each other a quick downstairs Vulcan salute. No, absolutely not. God damn it, Raph.
I was always going to handle it myself. Hey, guys, it's Brennan from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff.
And please keep watching, because if you stop watching, I start to vanish. Get it? I'm not really real. I'm just a thing on your screen. Don't forget me! |
CrackerMilk | the_crackermilk_tv_show_pilot | Trick-or-treat! Ho ho ho ho ho!
Oh little boy, I see you've found Santa's secret hideout. Oh, I'm afraid Santa's been so very busy with Christmas coming up that I haven't got any candy at all. I do have a gift for you though, the gift of honesty.
Santa's not real. He doesn't exist. Everyone, including your parents, has been lying to you. There's no such thing as Santa, there's no North Pole, there's no frickin' reindeers. It's all crap. Your cousins, your family, your friends, they all know it. You're the only tool that doesn't. You're an idiot. They all know that Santa doesn't exist.
There's only one clown that thinks he does. You. Nah, just kidding kid. I'm real. Does Emily know that guy? I don't think so. I want to go trick-or-treating already.
Shh! Don't let daddy you talk about it. Besides, I'm not leaving without Tamara. I don't think she's into you, dude.
I saw her with that Chad guy. Chad. Do you know that guy in the screen mask? No, but he looks kind of friendly.
I'll get the door. Don't talk to the weird neighbours again. Okay. Seriously, don't talk to the neighbours. Okay!
Hey, you look beautiful! I made you a drink.
Yeah, I can't drink that, Connor. Why? Because I'm pregnant. Oh.
Well, do you know, I accept that about you even though we don't know who the father is. We know who the father is. It's my fiance.
Chad!
It's all I hear you talk about. Where is he, if he gives such a shit? He's right next to me.
It's actually really scary. Fuck you. Connor! Fine, but if he comes inside, I'll kill myself. Will you stop saying that? No, no, no, no. Whoa, babe, what if he's actually serious? Oh, my God! Oh, Christ. Such a dirty joke. Just like your costume.
I didn't say anything.
And it is so brave to go bare feet for full authenticity. Choose a fit outside. You and your feet should come by our church sometime. Yeah, it's a great community. You've got to meet Janet. She says the darnedest in tongues.
The plane!
Oh, she's good. Oh, free chips.
Honestly, God damn it. Whoa, what's wrong? What did I just say? Oh, what is in that?
Those nice fellas over there gave me some of that church wine. Why does God taste like medicine? They're drugging you.
I've never met this woman in my life.
Thank you! Thank you so much.
I am a singer. Encore? What's that? Okay, yeah, who would sit? I want some Christmas. Hello, everyone. Oi!
Thank you all for coming to my very first Halloween party. I also want to thank you all for following my one rule.
No sitting in my chair. A reminder that the consequences for doing so are quite severe. Moving on.
Hey, guys, can I bring my man trick or treating? I don't know if you saw the sparks flying before, but it's a good thing I wore this dress. Okay, you can bring him if you tell me his name.
Yeah, that's fine. It's, um... Let's just go.
No, no, no. We've got to wait for Nick. These last few months, I've been writing my very own joke book. And I'd like to share something with you tonight. Oh, screw Nick. Let's get out of here while he's distracted.
I'd also like to give a thanks to my neighbour's church for giving this book their special blessing. Our pleasure. The Lord of Sodomy loves a good job. Come on, hurry up. And a special shout-out to my son.
I know we've had our differences, boy, but I'm sure that'll change tonight. Now, I should warn you all, some of these jokes are a little dark.
Don't be racist.
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine. Oh, it lets out a little wine.
Tom, are you okay? Oh, mate, I'm fine. I just had a bad case of the Mondays.
Hold your horses there, folks. Just let us go. Can't you see we're scared? Hi, scared.
I'm Dad. What the heck? It's not the heat that gets you. It's the humidity. Your mother and I are getting a divorce. Bit of a tickle? Boy, I'm going to a boy's house that I just met and I don't know when I'll be home.
She can't go out like that. She'll catch a carl. Get out of here. Step aside. Wait.
I've got a better idea. Oh, my fangs. Come on. Oh, my God. Tamara, are you okay?
Chad, we've got to get out of here right now. Okay, my car's running, but we are not leaving without your friends. Fuck my friends. Get away from her, you old freeman!
Colleagues, comrades, brothers, too long we have been taken for granted, ignored in our own homes, mocked for our choice of footwear. Well, no more. This generation of little assholes have had it far too easy for far too long. And it's about time they got a size 12 boot of reality right up their clackers. Today, we take back our dignity and ascend to our rightful place as the true leaders of this shithole. Hooray!
No sign of your son, chief.
We did find this one. Ah, my son's fat girlfriend. I'm pregnant. The fat one claims she doesn't know where the rest are, but we've got to sniff it out on the case. The bride gave me this. This way. Shall we turn her?
She's perfect, babe. Is everyone okay? They took Tamara. Oh, I'm sure she's fine.
She'll be with Chad. Nah. Chad's gone.
That's awful. We have to save her now. Okay, focus. We are screwed if we don't get the creepy book from your dad. That place is a death wish. It's full of dads.
Well, okay. Good. I have an idea. I have a better one.
We cut the power, we paint ourselves black, and then we sneak inside. No one will notice. That's blackface, bro.
Really? Yeah. But it's not just my face. It's my whole body. Here we are. Let's see how he puts it. Yeah. Brand new.
This area was desolate. A desolate wasteland.
It has been improving a long time. Is that allowed? I am not for dreaming. Oh, man.
This girl needs help. Oh, I have a flat tire, and I don't know how to change it. What do I do with the jack? Does it go on my head? There's a girl out there who can't change a tire. And she's a woman. Jesus Christ. We got a woman that can't change a tire.
I need your help. Get off me, you freak. Help me, please. Off me, you fucking freak. Get off me.
Lost him. Not me. My man. You are not the man I fell in love with. No, you're right. I'm better. Really?
Because it's giving like zombie dad? Yeah, I'm a dad now. Dads are cool and hip. I did like that little wiggle he just did there. Yeah, dad dancing. I do want to be a mum one day, and I would need a dad for that.
Great with kids. I know their bedtimes. I can do homework with them.
I'll slap a couple of sausages on the barbecue on a Sunday afternoon. Oh, really? The key to a good barbecue is to put the lid down and cook them at 120 degrees.
I didn't know that. I'm just a girl.
I'm a dad, see. I'm definitely going to have 15 or 20 beers at family gatherings and start making slightly racist jokes. Okay. But I will take the bins out. Well, you are very handsome, and I'm very tempted, but my friends say that I keep rushing into relationships too quickly, so I'm trying to like slow it down. Well, who knows better? Your dad or your friends. It would be like dating my dad. That's exactly right, mate. Okay, fuck it. You've been very naughty.
Hand me the book, nerd. I'll rip this book to pieces. I swear to God. Hand me the book, or I'll tell her what's brown and sticky.
Don't do it, Connor. Why are you doing this, Dad? Because you never asked me to go trick-or-treating. What?
Every year, you guys talk about how much fun it is. How much candy you get. How awesome is wearing all those costumes.
And you never once invited me. Why? It's because I'm the old man. Because I'm not cool enough. And what about every time I ask you to do something that's fun for me, like fishing?
No. You want to go camping? No. You want to go can-crushing? No. You want to mow the lawn? No.
I'm sick of it. And I know you've been sitting in my chair. Dad, no one's been sitting...
Save it. If I can't be young enough for you, I'm going to make damn sure everyone's old enough for me. I'll never be like you. Don't worry, son.
It's all good. I like Fox News and craft beer now. Yeah, that's right, mate. And on weekends, we can clean the car. How about that, hey? Oh. Ah, Emily, lie in the mood.
What the fuck, Dad? Time to grow up, son. You could have just asked. What? You could have just asked to come trick-or-treating.
I love hanging out with you, but everything I like doing you hate. I figured you wouldn't want to come with me.
Son, hi. What's brown and sticky? A stick! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
If I hear another one of these, I'm going to cringe out of existence. And if I don't tell you this before I die, I will not live with myself. I love you so much. Have sex with me. Ow, that hurt, what you did to my wrist. They're not going to laugh.
The power of their love is too strong. The power of our love.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Had a big lunch, huh? What the fuck is that? Get back, or I'll make you pay child support. Ah!
Oh, wait, our friends. We can't just leave them here. They're coming. They're gone, Connor.
Okay? We're going to get out of here, start a new life. Just you and me. But tomorrow. Hey, nothing will tear us apart.
Yeehaw! We're just disappointed. Oh, fuck! There's the little fella.
Always the last place you look. I always thought it was you that needed to change. It was you that needed to change.
Destroying the book does nothing. You need to write a joke that will make me laugh. But you never laugh at anything.
It's okay, son. I believe in you. I'm sorry for all this. Oh. Things are red, fire trucks are red. It's Jamie.
What happened to my chair? Dad, no. Dad, no. What do you get when a Jew, a black guy, and a trans woman walk into a bar? You get a... You've done it.
Well everyone, looks like we were all mass drugged. Yep, the church one we all drank was spiked.
Whoopsie. Sorry everyone. But at least we're all okay now. Oh. Alright, you can all fuck off, I'm tired. Okay.
We weren't drugged, right? No. Connor looked at the curse. We'll always have your back. You repeatedly ran away. Yeah. At least we're all safe now. Thanks to Connor.
Yeah, but what about Chad? What about my baby? Shut up tomorrow.
Hey, how about we all go trick-or-treating? How about we all go trick-or-treating?
Yeah. Okay.
Wait, are they gone? What about you, Dad? You wanna come with us? I'd love to. Oh, let's go. What happened to them? They're my family! Don't you worry, son. We'll get them next door.
There's a girl out there who can't change a tire And she's a woman! Jesus Christ! We got a woman who can't change a tire!
I need your help Get off me, freak! Help me, please Help me, you fucking freak! Get off me! You're a fucking loser!
Lost him Not me My man! You are not the man I fell in love with No, you're right I'm better Really?
Because it's giving like zombie dad? Yeah, I'm a dad now Dads are cool and hip I did like that little wiggle he just did there Yeah, dad dancing I do want to be a mum one day And I would need a dad for that Great with kids I know their bedtimes I can do homework with them I'll slap a couple of sausages on the barbecue on a Sunday afternoon Oh really? The key to a good barbecue is to put the lid down and cook them at 120 degrees I didn't know that, I'm just a girl You're bad, see I'm definitely going to have 15 to 20 beers at family gatherings and start making slightly racist jokes Okay But I will take the bin there Well you are very handsome and I'm very tempted but my friends say that I keep rushing into relationships too quickly so I'm trying to like slow it down Well who knows better? Your dad or your friends It would be like dating my dad That's exactly right mate Okay fuck it You've been very naughty Hand me the book, nerd I'll rip this book to pieces, I swear to god Hand me the book or I'll tell her what's brown and sticky Don't do it Connor Why are you doing this dad?
Because you never asked me to go trick or treating What? Every year you guys talk about how much fun it is How much candy you get How awesome is wearing all those costumes And you never once invited me Why? Is because I'm the old man Because I'm not cool enough And what about every time I ask you to do something that's fun for me like fishing No You want to go camping No You want to go can crushing No You want to mow the lawn No I'm sick of it And I know you've been sitting in my chair Dad no one's been sitting Save it If I can't be young enough for you I'm going to make damn sure everyone's old enough for me I'll never be like you Don't worry son It's all good I like Fox News and craft beer now That's right mate And on weekends we can clean the car How about that hey Ah Emily Lighten the mood What the fuck dad Time to grow up son You could have just asked What? You could have just asked to come trick or treating I love hanging out with you But everything I like doing you hate I figured you wouldn't want to come with me Son Hi What's brown and sticky?
A stick What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea If I hear another one of these I'm going to cringe out of existence If I don't tell you this before I die I will not live with myself I love you so much Have sex with me Ow that hurt what you did to my wrist They're not going to laugh The power of their love is too strong The power of our love Had a big lunch What the fuck is that? Get back or I'll make you pay child support Oh wait our friends we can't just leave them here They're gone Connor Okay we're going to get out of here Start a new life Just you and me But tomorrow Hey nothing will tear us apart Oh fuck There's the little fella Always the last place you look I always thought it was you that needed to change Destroying a book does nothing You need to write a joke That will make me laugh But you never laugh at anything It's okay son I believe in you I'm sorry for all this What happened to my chair? Dad no Dad What do you get? When a Jew A black guy And a trans woman Walk into a bar You get hurt You've done it Everyone looks like we were all mass drugged Yep the church one we all drank was spiked Whoopsie Sorry everyone But at least we're all okay now Oh Alright you can all fuck off I'm tired Okay We weren't drugged right? No Connor lived the curse We'll always have your back You repeatedly ran away Yeah At least we're all safe now Thanks to Connor Yeah but what about Chad? What about my baby? Shut up tomorrow Hey How about we all go trick or treating? Yeah Yeah Okay Wait are they gone? What about you dad? You wanna come with us? I'd love to Let's go What happened to them? They're my family Don't you worry son We'll get them next time Tyra takes the stand before you make it You start to freeze As horror looks you right between the eyes You're paralyzed Cos this is thriller thriller night And no one's gonna save you From the beast about to strike You know it's thriller thriller night You're fighting for your life inside a killer thriller tonight Yeah I'd like to stay alive Your body starts to shiver For no mere mortal can resist The evil of thriller Oh |
SaturdayNightLive | an_even_tempered_apology_from_rahm_emanuel_snl | And now an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Good evening.
Last week, the Wall Street Journal reported that I used a regrettable term to describe fellow Democrats in a strategy meeting. the word I used was a derogatory term for people with intellectual disabilities. And while I have apologized to the head of the Special Olympics, I also wanted to take the time to apologize to you, the American People. As for the Progressive Democrats, whom I used the term in reference to, I should never have called you that. what I should have called you are ****ing babies. Stupid ****ing babies who can't keep their mouths shut.
You went to the Wall Street Journal with this, you ****ing turncoats? The Wall Street Journal?
I'm trying to get **** done here. And I know we're not moving as fast as you want on healthcare, but maybe you noticed the Republicans are trying to paint us as Soviet crack dealers. and I've already got them crawling up my ass, and now you wanting to? I've got so many legislators in my colon, I need 60 votes just to take a ****, so **** you. I'd also like to personally apologize to Sarah Palin, who went on Facebook to criticize my comments and ask for my resignation. while my resignation will not be forthcoming, I hope the former Governor can accept my humblest apologies for my poor choice of words. So now I'm waiting for your apology, you ****ing harpy. Or do you forget saying my brother Zeke supports death panels and his philosophy was downright evil? Well, he's a ****ing doctor who's dedicated his life to helping people, not a quitter who couldn't finish dinner. So why don't you stick to collecting checks for your stupid tea party speeches? you half a ****ing politician! Also, you come after me on Facebook? what are you, 14? Here's a status update! Grow the **** up! poke me again and I will write **** on your wall, so obscene, your computer will cry! go back to the Tundra, you ****ing gimmick!
I'm sorry, did you ****ing say something? Yeah, are you sure? you better be sure. in conclusion, boo ****ing who? Get over it. this has been an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. And also, Mel Gibson, shut the **** up! |
TheOnion | Pentagon_Awards_Oscar_Mayer_102M_For_Military_Grade_Hot_Dog_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_23 | 🎵 Pentagon officials are under fire and watchdog groups are up in arms after Oscar Mayer is awarded a multi-million dollar contract for a new military-grade hot dog. Will Congress take action? And later, the scientific streaming wars heat up after chemists announce an upgraded periodic table featuring dozens of new elements, all for just four dollars a month. Is the subscription worth it? From The Onion in Onion Public Radio, this is the topical.
I'm Leslie Price, my bones are made of news and I'm about to break every last one. Stay with us. Soon you'll have more money than you know what to do with.
The Military Industrial Complex in America is a massive operation with hundreds of billions of dollars spent every year on research, weapons, and equipment for the U.S. Armed Forces. Even with that normal level of spending, eyebrows were raised this past week when the Pentagon announced that it was awarding a hundred million dollar contract to Oscar Mayer for a new military-grade hot dog with all the fixins. OPR military correspondent Charles Dearborn is here to discuss. Hello. So Charles, can you shine a light on some of the details of this Pentagon hot dog program?
Well, the Pentagon has claimed that this Oscar Mayer designed dog will be the most advanced encased meat on the battlefield. It's a footlong model, all beef slathered in every topping you could imagine. We're talking mustard, onion, pickles, hot peppers. This baby's got the works. Obviously, the Defense Department has a long history of handing out large contracts like this, but what made them feel like this new hot dog design was necessary? Well, I should note this is just a prototype, so not all the details have been finalized. But Oscar Mayer was able to beat out several other bidders like Hebrew National and Ballpark because its design was the most flexible. There is salt and crunch from bacon bits, a little heat from the peppers, even some Colby jack cheese for a nice meltiness. Now this hot dog can handle all sorts of weather conditions, be consumed at high velocity, and satisfy a wide variety of palates.
So what about the cost? Some watch groups are claiming this is a textbook example of government waste. Well, the hot dog's $100 million price tag has certainly drawn some criticism, and just this afternoon, the Pentagon responded directly to concerns from Congress over the cost of the project, claiming these advanced hot dog designs are a necessity for 21st century warfare. Just last year, China tested an experimental smoked huang chang sausage with pickled ginger capabilities. The U.S. simply cannot afford to lose its strategic advantage in the link meat field. And if these critics want to cut funding, they are more than welcome to explain to a soldier why their hot dog does not have basic sauerkraut. Now $100 million may seem high, but it's pretty par for the course with Pentagon research. And remember, this is just the first experimental dog. Once it's ordered en masse for the military, the scale should drop the cost to around $10 million per hot dog. Of course, even if the Pentagon insists this spending is essential, critics have pointed out that the U.S. military spends more on hot dogs than the next 10 nations combined. That is true, and within the Pentagon itself, some officials have raised concerns about the Oscar Mayer program. This hot dog has been in development for almost 10 years, and it is still not totally functional. With so many toppings, it has serious structural issues, and during combat trials last year, one actually exploded, severely scalding the user. Also, the cream cheese threat is not working with a relish at all. Thank you, Charles. We'll try and stay up to date with this program to see if this $100 million hot dog ends up being worth it.
Earlier today, scientists at UCLA's medical school announced a fascinating new breakthrough in the field of genetics. A new procedure they've developed will, for the first time, allow parents to select the sexiness of their child. We're joined in the studio by OPR science reporter Jenna Resnick, who has the full story.
Thanks for being here, Jenna. Thanks for having me.
So let's get right into it. Tell me, how does this procedure work? Basically, the researchers are able to alter an embryo's genetic makeup while it's in utero in order to determine whether it will grow up to become a chiseled hunk or a fine-ass mamacita. I spoke to the lead researcher on the project, Lydia Jarrett, and this is how she explained it. You see, we're able to isolate DNA sequences that correspond with what are considered sexy traits, whether it be a strong jawline, high cheekbones, or a dummy thick ass. We can then adjust whether or not these genes will code for a protein and, in turn, produce the parents' desired traits.
And how specific can you get in determining whether the child will be hot-knot or everything in between? Very specific. Of course, you can make them a perfect ten if you so desire, or you can also make them a seven if you want them to turn some heads, but not cause you too much concern. Conversely, you can make them a zero if you want them to be a completely busted uggo. Wow.
And how many parents have signed up for the procedure thus far? Well, millions have applied, but only a very few were selected for the first clinical trial. I actually got the chance to speak to two of them, Bob and Linda Caruso, who were highly enthusiastic.
We just want to make sure our child doesn't have to suffer like we've suffered. See, I'm a balding dumpy creep with a muffin top and hair in all the wrong places. And I have a horse face. We want our child to be free of our ancestral curse of unsightly features. We want to make sure he has rock hard abs and is an absolute certified snack with the biceps to match.
Huh, now I know that a lot of these types of issues often stir controversy and accusations that scientists are trying to play God by modifying an embryo to have luscious locks of hair or silky smooth skin. Has there been anyone speaking out against the procedure? There were actually some protesters outside during my visit. I spoke to one of them about his complaints.
His name is Roy Talbert, and he was holding a keep children ugly sign as he believes that trying to engineer your child to be a dime piece with jumbo honkers or a pussy getting stud muffin is unethical. It's against God's will to inject chemicals into your newborn to try to make them look like a sex kitten. You should love your baby for who they are, whether they look like Natalie Portman or Paul Giamatti. Roy himself was ugly though, so he might be biased. Yes, perhaps motivated by jealousy.
Too bad this procedure wasn't around when your parents had you. Shut the fuck up. I'm sorry. But sorry isn't going to cut it, Jenna. Oh, Leslie. I don't care what you were trying to do. I have a facial deformity. It's called hemifacial microsomia. It's a real diagnosable medical condition. It isn't some fucking joke. I'm sorry.
I only meant that- Do you know what it's like for me to wake up every day and dread having to look in the mirror? Do you know what it's like to live when your own body is a prison?
No, I don't. No!
You don't know what it's like. You will never know what it's like, so don't even try.
God damn it! God fucking damn it! I'm sorry. This has been an OPR Science Report. Just play the fucking ad.
Of course, ghosts can go through walls and are virtually undetectable unless they start moving objects around in your house. And even if SimpliSafe did guard against ghosts, the police would probably be too spooked out to do anything about them anyway. So you're going to want to find a different solution for that.
But for those plagued by human intruders, go to simplisafe.com slash topical today. You'll get free shipping and the 60-day risk-free trial. You got nothing to lose. Go now and be sure to go to simplisafe.com slash topical. That's simplisafe.com slash topical.
All right, I'm sorry you all had to hear me that way. Let's just try and get through the rest of this together, professionally. Here's what else you need to know today.
Paleontologists announced an interesting finding this week. It turns out they had been attributing the wrong bones to the tyrannosaurus rex for years, and the dinosaur is now believed to have had upper arms proportional to the rest of its body. No word yet on where all those other tiny arm bones came from.
A new program in California is training firefighters to verbally de-escalate flames before resorting to putting them out. Officials are hoping these attempts will teach firefighters to reach a peaceful outcome before immediately reaching for their homes. And a new study out of the Mayo Clinic has found that more than 99% of coma patients stay sedated because their family simply doesn't plead with them enough to wake up.
The study also concluded that not only could you have done more, you should have done more because you can always do more. That's the topical for today. I'm Leslie Price, and I'm gonna go buy myself some new clothes to make myself feel better.
If you enjoyed today's episode, like and subscribe to us wherever you get your podcast. And don't worry, Jenna won't be back for a while. If you enjoyed today's episode, like and subscribe to us wherever you get your podcast. And don't worry, Jenna won't be back for a while. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Paul_Kelly_live_with_the_Betoota_Advocate | Now, if you listen to our podcast, you'd be familiar with the format. We interview a broad range of guests from around Australia and sometimes around the world. But this week, we've been presented with an opportunity to interview a prolific Australian singer-songwriter.
And it was an opportunity so rare that we really had to film it. We couldn't turn this one down like we turned down.
Elton John. Because this week, we're welcoming back to the show singer-songwriter and national treasure, Paul Kelly. Except this time, he's brought us a guitar and he's gonna sing a few songs for us throughout the interview. So sit back and enjoy the show. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overell, editors of the Matoota Advocate on Desert Rock FM.
Well, thank you for joining us once again, Paul. And congratulations on your latest and greatest, greatest hits album. Thanks very much. Thanks for having me, guys.
Now, when we heard you were gonna come in and sing a few songs for us today, we kind of spent all week wondering what they could be. And we couldn't think of our four favourite.
So how do you, as the man who makes those songs, find the ones you wanna put on a greatest hits album? Oh, that job's mainly was done by Liam at the record company. And for that kind of record, you just sort of pick the songs that are probably the most popular. So there's kind of songs people yell at live gigs, like? Yeah, mostly.
But it was a pretty short conversation back and forth.
Paul, when you were coming up, there were lots of different sort of music scenes that were happening in Australia at the time. You had the Ten Pound Poms in Adelaide and Perth getting into their rock music. You had the Surf Rockers down in Victoria. You had whatever the Go-Betweens were doing up in Brisbane. What time and what place, when you were coming up, had the greatest impact on the foundation of your music? I would say the early 80s, and a lot of my influences were coming from my peers, from bands like the Go-Betweens, the Triffids, the Saints, the Hooded Gurus. So can you tell us why a handsome, young, aspiring musician decided to launch his career in 1970s Hobart? How did that come about?
I was travelling, I travelled after I left school. I travelled quite a bit, just going to different places. I travelled around Australia in different jobs and started playing guitar when I was 18, which is sort of later than probably a lot of people.
And the first things, first songs I learnt were early Bob Dylan songs and Hank Williams songs and folk songs, so I would go to folk clubs. And I was in Tasmania at the time, working in Hobart, working in a foundry. And Salamanca Place had a folk club and they had an open night, Monday nights. And I finally plucked up the courage to go down and sing a couple of songs. Streets of Forbes, which is a song about Ben Hall, and Girl From the North Country, Bob Dylan's song. So I played those two songs.
How was the come down after your first gig? You just kind of- Oh, I got very drunk. All right. I was so nervous.
So I drank about a thousand beers and then my friend who was with me remembers helping me home and getting me into bed. I don't remember, but he does. Well, you've certainly been around. You've been from South Australia into Hobart and in Melbourne into Sydney.
Oh, that was more travelling overseas and- Yeah, right. And one of the first places I played overseas was in Dublin. And then we went back there a few times and there's a particular area of Dublin called Temple Bar, which used to be more of a sort of, a lot of what they would call old man's pubs and it was a bit more, you know.
Stiff. What's that? Stiff. Well, not stiff.
It was more, it just wasn't really trendy. And then there was a bit of a gap from going there and then I came back and Temple Bar was sort of full of, you know, there was a hard rock cafe and there was all these sort of more chains in there. And it seemed to me that the character of the place was becoming more like anywhere else. And I just, so that song started from that observation of how there's certain parts of all Western cities that in certain neighbourhoods, they're all the same everywhere you go. You know, like, I guess these days it would be like, you go to Northcote in Melbourne and you can find a suburb like that in every other. So you know where to go to get your kale.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're a- Yeah, poor old Redfern's copping that now, I've heard. So it was, yeah. But it's also, the other idea for the song was about how when you're miserable in love, every place feels the same, so. Well, we hope you're not sick of seeing that song. No, I'm not, I don't actually sing it that much, so I had to have a little bit of a practice of it before I came in today. So here's hoping I can go get through it. Are we right? A bit closer to this, right?
We argued on the channel train to Paris. The Van Rooch helped us make it sweet again. But by the time that we got down to Lyon, everything I said was wrong, and you cursed me in the rain. We split up for a while in Barcelona. We met up six days later in Madrid. I was hoping that the break would make things go a little better for us, and for a little while it almost did.
Now I'm in a bar in Copenhagen, and I'm trying hard to forget your name. And I'm staring at the label on a bottle of cerveza.
And every fucking city feels the same.
I called you when I got to London. A French girl told me that she'd left a note. I said to her, I like your accent, and she thought I sounded funny.
So we ended up drinking in Soho. Foolishly, I followed you to Dublin. Like a ghost, I walked the streets of Temple Bar. And all the bright young things were throwing up their Guinness.
And I was in the gutters, and once I thought I saw you from afar. Now I'm in a nightclub in Helsinki, and they're playing La Vida Loca once again. And I can't believe I'm dancing to this crap, but I'm a chance here. And every fucking city sounds the same. At a cafe in the fort of Amsterdam, an email from you said you'd gone to Rome. For a minute, I thought, hmm, but my money was running low. And anyway, sounded like you weren't alone.
And on the reaper van, I paid a woman far too much to kick me out before I'd even reach my goal. Now I'm in a restaurant in Stockholm, and the waiter here wants me to know his name.
The same. Top tier. There's one little court fluff there, but we'll let that pass.
Do you find that this one kind of came out in the 90s after you'd kind of done your first big dash albums? You did, what, six in as many years almost. Yeah, I did sort of five albums between 85 and 91. Five, five, six maybe, yeah, you're right. Then it was a bit more spaced out in the 90s.
Did you ever worry with that kind of workload? I mean, the news cycle was a lot slower back then, but did you ever kind of worry that you might kind of lose a few pearlers in the hype of the next album? Or do those songs kind of shine through, the ones that the people love, they're always going to find that song? Yeah, I mean, whether they're putting out too much. Yeah, did you kind of cannibalise a little bit?
Yeah, I remember Bruce Springsteen said this thing about Van Morrison. He said, Van Morrison just kept putting out great record after great record, but people sort of weren't noticing because they sort of became expected or something. Yeah, yeah. I wanted to know Van Morrison's Astral Weeks as one of my favourite records, and then a record not long after that called, oh, now, see, I've forgotten the name of it, Poetic Champions, but it's just as great a record. So I've just actually made my argument about how he put out too many records.
But I think all songwriters, you just, it's not really, I mean, you don't sort of think about that writing songs. You just write songs, and then I generally, once a song's finished, I'll record it, and then if it sounds okay, you put it out, and then I just, but what happens is that some songs have more stickability than others, either for the audience or for me. I mean, there's songs that I don't really sing anymore because I sort of lost touch with them or they're not that good. And so, but what sort of stays is just the songs. I forget which, I even don't remember which albums certain songs come from. I just know that there's still always a contenders for a setlist when I sit down to put a setlist together.
Do you remember the first time you heard one of your songs being played in public, in a cafe or? Oh, vividly, I remember the first time we heard Before Too Long, the band and I, we were driving from Sydney to Melbourne in my first father-in-law's old Kingswood. And it came on the radio, and it was the first time I actually heard the song coming at us. I mean, apart from being in the studio where you play it and you listen to it back and you sort of, you know, you get sick of it by the time you've finished recording it. But that's the first time it actually, and then we sort of played it live. So you're hearing it while you're playing it live, but to actually hear the song coming at you and you've got, you don't have to do a thing, but the song's just playing at you. That was, yeah, I remember that very vividly.
We just all jumped up in the air and managed to keep the car in the road and kept going. Did that impress the father-in-law? Not when I left the car in King's Cross at the, because I was living just near there and I left the car at the end of, anyway, it was a dark end of the street. The Inverbend Boosh tank. No, it was the one that got, you come up to the cross and that first one on the left. On Victoria Street.
Past the chemist called Paul Kelly. There used to be a chemist there called Paul Kelly.
But it was down the end of that street and then left there a couple of days and when I came back, it was up on, it had been stripped. It was on blocks? Yeah, it was on blocks. So I was up at the end of that car. Someone needed some ties. Yeah.
So you've bounced between cities a lot over the career. Do you have like a hometown reception anywhere? Is there any city that loves your music more than the rest? A bit like the Hilltop Hoods when they go to Adelaide. They got that hometown kind of reception. Well, Melbourne's like a hometown to me. I've been there so long and in every way it's a hometown because my kids are growing up there and they're still there and I've lived there so long. I've lived in the same house for 25 years and also playing there. I think it's, we probably, you know, it's easy to sell tickets in Melbourne and other places. Now, not just you, but the whole kind of extended family have moved around Australia a lot. They're all living in different parts and we'll just take a quick moment to shout out Danny Shan and Longridge.
He's your go-to travel agent in Western Queensland. G'day, Danny. I hope those airlines aren't gouging out the arse. Yeah, just quick shout out. If you need any flights to anywhere, you need a flight to Townsville, Brisbane. He's your man. Danny Shan's the man, yeah.
Is that during that's in the family, the traveling or the moving around or your more home bodies? Oh, I don't know.
It's hard to generalise about the family because there's quite a lot of us when you add up all the cousins and stuff. There's quite a few teachers in the family. If there's a trend amongst the families that there's quite a few teachers.
Well, there's a lot of protagonists in your songs. They're either travelling to somewhere or travelling from somewhere. You know, especially one that was a part of one of your more successful songs, He Got Married Early. Are these people based on anyone or are they based on you or people you know or? Yeah. No, they're made up, but they're not. My songs are fiction and that's the way I've always felt about them. But there's often little details in there that come from, you know, with the last one I sang, that was, you know, that was sort of, I did wander through Temple Bar seeing people throwing up their Guinness in the gutters. So that all comes in, but the actual story itself, the buttery in Tuodor is a real place, but I've never been there, but I've known people who have been there.
It's in to land, northern rivers up there. Yeah, it's kind of, there's something for everyone, you know, and I'm not sure in Tuodor when you're surrounded by the cane fields, did you have any, did you have any where in your mind? Was that up in North Queensland? Was that Northeast South Wales when you was? It was Northern South Wales, I guess, because that's where the buttery is, and yeah. And that, the cane fields are sort of pretty strongly imprinted on me because when my mother and some of the younger kids moved up to Queensland in the late 70s, they lived almost, just a bit south of Beenleigh, halfway between Brisbane and the Gold Coast, and that was, all the back roads there were all full of cane fields. So that was great, it was great to sort of drive around, walk around there.
The cane fields have a kind of special kind of atmosphere and presence, slightly menacing when the storm's coming, or the water. Even when they're on fire too, that's kind of really menacing. Yeah.
And it's similar wherever you are on the coast, there's a lot of Italians, a lot of North Queensland's a bit the same, and I'm not sure where it was, was it in a film you did where you had the opera in the cane fields? Yeah, that's based on my grandparents who were both opera singers, and they started, my grandfather was Italian, she was Irish Australian, and they started the Othello Australian Opera Company in the 20s.
And this is before government subsidies for opera, so they were just a kind of a shoestring operation. They had a piano player, a couple of singers, a tenor, a baritone, and a soprano. And they had, sometimes they would have a chorus, volunteers. They wouldn't do full operas, but they would do like a recital, so excerpts from various Italian operas, various arias, so from Verdi and Puccini.
And they toured up the Queensland coast and to all those towns, and to the cane towns. Ingham, they went west out to, Innisfail, they also played. They went west out to Longreach on the train.
Well, you can certainly hear the influence of the opera in your songs, but not in terms of hitting the high notes, hitting the low notes. It's more or less kind of like a rock opera, but for the folk music, where you've got these characters, and they travel and they go through these tribulations. Is that a fair assessment? Oh, yeah, my songs are storytelling quite a lot of the time. I don't know, if I took my story, if I took my stories from opera storylines, they wouldn't make, I mean, I can't think of an opera line, a storyline that makes any sense.
Ridiculous. You're not as accessible as to her door.
But yeah, I think for the storytelling, a lot of that is just sort of my natural, what I'm drawn to. I'm drawn to cinematic songwriters. I love songwriters like Lou Reed. You know, you can see his story, see his, the songs are set in particular places and you can see them. Ray Davies, you know, Waterloo Sunset. The images are really, really visual. Chuck Berry's another one. So the songwriters have told stories like that where you can almost see and taste and smell the songs. I'm drawn to that.
Well, one of the first kind of stories in Protagonist Australia was introduced to, you know, on the charts through your music was The Bloke That Got Married Early. The Bloke That Got Married Early.
Can you give us a little rendition of that one? Yeah, I'd say I would. Very excited about this. Drink of water. Yeah.
Yeah, Tu O'Dore was also influenced by American short story writer Raymond Carver who I was reading a lot at the time. And he liked, what I liked about his stories was that they told a lot with very few words and they sort of ended. There was always a lot happening around the edges of the story. There was the characters and their situations but you never quite knew. There were other things bearing down on the story that weren't in the story and the stories often ended on a unresolved note where you didn't know what was going to happen next or the stories might end as something's just about to happen. So that's, so what happens in this song, it doesn't, it's, the end of the song is really the start of, you don't know what's going to happen next but it's the start of something.
They got married early, never had no money. Then when he got laid off, they really hit the skids. Started up his drinking, then they started fighting. He took it pretty badly. Well, she took both the kids.
She said, I'm not standing by to watch you slowly die. So watch me walking out the door, at the door, at the door. She said, shove it, Jack, I'm walking at your fucking door.
She went to her brother's, got a little bar word. He went to the buttery, stayed about a year. Then he wrote a letter, he said, I want to see you. She thought he sounded better. So she sent in the money for the fair. He was riding through the cane, in the pouring rain on macadamos.
To her door, to her door, to her door.
He came in on a Sunday, every muscle aching, walking in slow motion, like he'd just been hit.
Did they have a future? Would he know his children? Could he make a picture, and get them all to fit?
He was shaking in his seat, riding through the streets, in a silver top. To her, shaking in his seat, riding through the streets, in a silver top.
Taxi cab to her door, to her door. To her door, to her door, to her door. Forever love you, door.
Well, you guys pick all the songs with all the bad language in it. What's going on here? Yeah, it's a moment to just process what happened to us then. It's a dumb.
Never thought I'd see that song sung so close to me. I'm like, you're pulling my hood around playing campfires. Is it true that that song took about seven years to write? Yeah, I wasn't working on it the whole time though. Yeah, the music was a long time before I had the words.
I actually wrote it on piano, and I'd recorded it. I was living in a flat in Punt Road in Melbourne. And I just recorded it on cassette, which is what I used to do. And along with a whole lot of other musical ideas, and I have piles and piles of cassettes that are just sort of me moaning and gibbering over chord changes, and then some of them I end up putting words to. But I was just going through some old cassettes one day and found that tune and ended up putting the words to it. I had an offer to go and play at a poetry night in Sydney at the old Tivoli. And I thought I'd better write something for the poets. So I wrote that.
Yeah, but that song has a lot of themes in it that kind of we don't really hear enough of in kind of Australian music stuff. It's kind of a lot more prevalent in society than it is in music. Does that kind of- Yeah, I don't know if I agree. I think you probably may find that more on hip hop. I think they're out there, but they're maybe not on commercial radio so much. So probably that song got a lot of commercial airplay. I think it might be, if I had released that song today, it might be a lot harder to get it on some of the radio formats, which are probably a lot more conservative.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you find people came up and tell you that that's them or that's their cousin or that's their sibling when they hear that? Yeah, with a lot of the songs. Yeah, people say, oh, that's my story, or yeah, how did you know that? How did you know that? Do you know about the buttery?
Now, Paul, the last song we spoke to you, you just released your last album, Nature. And there's a track from that on this Greatest Hits album. When you come up with a new album, do you ever wonder, you know, oh, this song's going to end up on the Greatest Hits album? Sometimes you don't know whether songs are hitting for many, many years.
I mean, How to Make Gravy wasn't a hit when it came out, from Little Things, Big Things Grow. They sort of, sort of- Slow Burner. They're Slow Burners, so you don't know.
But we just picked a sort of, probably, for the, you know, again, it's hard to sort of pick from an album that came out last year for a collection that's out this year. You just picked a sort of, the three strongest tracks. And the songs that were in a way were singles in the sense that we did a film clip to the one I'm going to play, A Bastard Like Me. We did a film clip for it, and it's a really sort of strong live song, so it had a good chance to get on the collection.
Do you ever feel, in the studio, that regardless of the Greatest Hits compilation, you feel this is going to be the song of this album, this is going to be the one that kind of leads, or do you get surprised by which one pops off? Bit of both. Sometimes you think, oh yeah, this would be pretty popular. I had that feeling with Firewood and Candles, but other times I'm completely wrong. So, yeah, some surprise you, the ones that are popular and the ones that aren't. Do you know which one surprised you the most?
Yeah. Was it Gravy? I think that one really, yeah, because that doesn't have any, as far as sort of, if there are rules for songwriting, that doesn't have, doesn't follow many of the rules. And it's sort of because it's half talk, half song. To me, I never thought it'd be a sing-along song, but we play it and people sing along. It's hilarious.
And it gets canned at Christmas time around every household around the country. We've done a few stories on The Tutor Advocate. There was a siege in a local Brisbane household when Dad refused to take it off rotation.
I know, I know, I read that story. Now, Bastard Like Me, sorry again, a third song was swearing in the, even in the title, this one. Yeah. We worked together with your label on this one.
Now, it's a tribute to the late Aboriginal leader and activist, Charlie Perkins.
When did he first kind of catch your attention? Because you would have been only a kid during the freedom rides and that kind of stuff, his early kind of civil rights work. Yeah, I didn't notice it at the time, 1965. But, you know, probably in the 80s, I would have started hearing about him and reading about him.
And then, you know, later on, I met Rachel Perkins and worked with her. And then, this is about, I think about six years ago now, Rachel was doing a project, Rachel Perkins was doing a project about the bungalow, which was the institution in Alice Springs for young Aboriginal kids that were taken away from their parents, you know, the ones they called half-castes. And Charlie was one of those kids who was put into the bungalow. And she was, she was doing a theatrical project for the bungalow and sent me, said, we'd like to write something for it. And they got me thinking about Charlie again, and I reread his autobiography again then.
And it was just, and it's called A Bastard Like Me. And it's like, you know, you're a songwriter and you get a title like that coming along, you think, that's gotta be a song. We'll start from there. So I wrote the song, you know, based on the book, very generally.
And then, they used it in the show, but I wasn't, I couldn't be at the show. And then, it sort of just lay, yeah, so the song was written, and it just still hadn't been released except for that live on stage. And then, we, I took it to the band you know, a couple of years ago, and the band sort of really jumped on it. Turned out really well, the recording with the band. So that's why it ended up on the last record.
And then again, on the greatest hits as well, it's included, but you don't have the band here, but we would love to hear, is it a harmonica job? No, I'd love to just do this one without harmonica.
It's good. Oh, the other thing, you know, and like I said, we did a clip for that song, which was, which Rachel helped me with, and we had, you know, got lots of archival footage. So I really love the clip for this song. It's one of my favorites. My favorite clips generally are the ones where I don't have to be in it. I like Bradman for that reason too.
Just tell the story through the character. I was born in the bush, near old Alice Springs. As far as you get from the sea. My mother was a fighter, my daddy was too.
He never knew a bastard like me. My brothers and sisters are scattered like the wind from the desert and the hills to the sea. Much too young, many died, but I had survived. So lucky, a bastard like me. I have survived the hell of a ride. Nobody knows a bastard like me.
Call me a stray, or a dog every day. Call me a mongrel high-free. Mongrels are strong, so if you take me on, watch out for a bastard like me. Ooh. You better watch out for a bastard like me.
I've fought all the way, and I've found my way. I've fought all the way, and I find every day. We'll try and stop a bastard like me. I've taken my licks, I've taken my kicks. I am a man of degree. I wear the scars, I yearn them so hard.
Every day in the lucky country. Ooh. Every day in the lucky country.
I've taken my licks, and I've kicked against the pricks. I'll try and stop a bastard like me.
Have you had the chance to play that live much? Yeah, we've been playing it ever since it came out. This is only a year. We've actually done a lot of gigs this year, but it's in the set. It's gonna be in the set for the Gravy shows, and other shows we've got coming up. Yeah, the band really likes playing that one. They'll sort of give me a hard time if I didn't put it on the set list.
Well, you've written quite a number of songs about Aboriginal issues and rights. How do you approach it? Like, do you come across something, I think, that needs some air time, that needs a voice in the mainstream? Well, they just come out of here. It's probably more, it usually comes from something like a bastard like me, what a great title, I've gotta write a song about it. Or from Little Things, Big Things Grow, that came from seeing the famous picture by Mervyn Bishop of Gough Whitlam pouring dirt into the hands of Vincent Lingari when they handed back the lands to the Gurindji people. They usually, the songs for me start from, I guess from the bottom up, not the top down. I don't think, I've got to write a song about land rights. No, it's just, they come out of the story of it, or often the visual, a little visual detail. How do people respond when you run into them and you've written a song about them? That one was obviously the late Charlie Perkins, but you've written about people who are still kind of, there's a chance of running into them.
Yeah, one of my great friendships is with Yami Lester, who died not that long ago. But I met him after writing a song about Maralinga, because he was involved in giving evidence at the Royal Commission in the mid-1980s into the atomic bomb test at Maralinga. So I wrote the song, it came out, and we went to play in Alice Springs, and some people who knew Yami and knew me said, come on, you know, you want to meet him? Said, yeah, so we met in a Chinese restaurant. And we sort of stayed friends ever since, and he often mainly lived out Bush down near a place called Malabar. But he'd often be in Alice Springs, he'd come to town and we'd play, and then we'd all say, are you gonna play that song?
Well, yeah. Yes, sir. Yeah, he was one of those great people that you walked into the room, he had this beautiful big smile, and he just felt, he was just happier, happier than you were before when you saw him.
I always used to say, shall we have a cool drink? You know, cool drink. I mean, let's have a beer. Let's have a cool drink.
Did you ever get the chance to, have you ever had the chance to play from Little Things Big Things prior to the Goringey Mob, like out there? Yeah, we were, Kev and I were up there for the 45th anniversary, I think, a few years back, and met various members of the family. So over the years, I've met quite a few people, people keep coming up all the time and say, yeah, that's my mob, yeah. Have you ever had a chance to meet a person who's written a song about you?
I can't think of anything right off the bat. We know Matt Mason from the DMA's has a Paul Kelly tattoo.
On his head. Oh really, on his head? I'm making his head. On his head.
And does he always? Does he always?
It's among others. He's got a few others as well, and he always gets his head shaved.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, maybe there's a DMA's Paul Kelly collaboration in the near future. We've introduced that information to you. Yeah, we can knock heads together. Well, you've just released a new one, a new collaboration with Casey. Have you worked with Casey Chambers before? Yeah, quite a lot. Yeah?
Yeah, when she first was doing touring, she supported us for a while. That didn't last long, and she got really big. And... Transition from opening that.
But around that time we first worked together just touring, she had written a song called I Still Pray, and suggested we do a duet, so we recorded the song on that tour. And so that was the first time we actually recorded together. And then we crossed paths a lot over the years in the States and Australia and played together. And I produced her last record, well, not her last record, she's the one before the Campfire one, Fireflies, which is a double album. So I did one of those, she did one of those records in Melbourne with a band that I organised, and she did the other record, the other disc with her usual crew up on Central Coast.
But working with her on that record was just a joy, she's just on fire. It brings a good energy, doesn't she? Yeah, and also she just had to hit this vein of, for me, the vein of songwriting that she was in. I think she's still in, she's sort of taken she's sort of seen as a country singer, but she's pushing it more to like, I would call it country soul. Ain't No Little Girls, classic country soul song. And there was songs like that on that record. And yeah, she said, there's no sort of warm up takes in this case. And we record live, just set the band up and you just have to make sure that the band knows. Just be on your game, because when she starts singing, that might be the take. And everyone sort of lifts, lifts. So that's why she's great to work with.
And I wrote this song, it's the most recent song. And when we're both old and mad, I wrote it as a poem first, and then put it to music. And then thought, this would be a great duet.
And so I thought of Casey, is that she thought she had the right kind of, I mean, it's a bitty, it's a kooky kind of song. She's got the right amount of kook to do it. She spent her time in Copacabana, Central Coast, yeah.
So I take it this song was recorded on the first take? I think it was. I think she came down to Melbourne especially to record it. And I'd had the band in the morning. And so we were sort of just getting it up and we worked out the key and then Ben and I got it up and running and sort of had it sitting pretty nicely. So then we just played it and we both sang it.
I think it was about two or three takes. It was pretty quick. It's always pretty quick with Casey. Yeah. It's easy when you know how, isn't it? We might have picked a bit between the takes.
Well, of the songs you're going to sing for us today, this is the only one I haven't heard, so I'm... Oh, right. I'm excited to hear this one. Okay, so I'll have to...
Does it still have swearing in it? Is that, are we gonna keep up on trend? No, there's no swearing in this one.
This is a family-friendly song, I think. So just to set it up, Casey sings his second verse and then he gets to some oohs in the middle which we sing together and then the last verse, Casey and I sing together. It's pretty short and sweet.
It's called, When We're Both Old and Mad. Ride our bikes down to the bay Going home, we'll lose our way When we're both old and mad When we're both mad and old We'll live in a house chock full of books We'll lose each other for days in nooks Then find each other to hold We'll find each other to hold Feed a few too many pets We'll forget we once had regrets When we're both mad and old When we're both old and mad We'll wear our jumpers inside out We'll think we whisper though we shout We'll weep when we're feeling glad We'll weep when we're feeling glad Ride our bikes down to the sea Swim like dolphins, you and me When we're both old and mad When we're both old and mad When we're both old and mad What songs do you have in your head that you can just remember to play on the spot?
Did you not forget any? The ones I play, you know, I have to, there's a lot, I probably would have, I reckon, I probably at least have 150 that I can remember straight away now. I think that I started doing the A to Z shows, you know, a few years back, and I started doing them in 2005, I think, and then I've done them every now and then, you know, and that sort of put a lot of songs, because before that I'd sort of had a lot of the old songs I'd sort of forgotten because I wasn't playing that often, but sort of doing shows like that where you sort of play, you know, 100 songs or more over five nights, over four nights, sort of cemented that, you know, so I did a lot of those shows with my nephew Dan, so, and also when Dan and I tour as a duo quite a lot, especially overseas, so we get, you know, he knows, he knows those songs, some of the old songs better than I do, so he's always reminding me, let's do that song and we'll relearn it and learn it, and after a while, you know, you do it often enough, they just stick in your head until dementia kicks in. What have you got on now?
You've got the Gravy shows this year, and that's the next kind of tour. And the book tour as well. The book, smaller tour with the book in smaller theatres, and I'm doing those shows, I'm just performing poems that I put to music and maybe reciting some of the poems from the book, it's an anthology of my favourite poems, and I'll be doing those shows with Alice Keith, who's performed with me before, she sang on the Sonnets record, and she sang on The Trees, which was a Philip Larkin poem that I put to music, which was on the last record, so we've been working together on and off over the last four or five years. She's also on 30 Mays to Look at Birds, which is a record that came out earlier this year, so it's just Alice and I doing those shows and talking a bit about the book and the poems, then we roll into the Gravy shows with Courtney Barnett and Kate Miller-Heidke and Marlon Williams, and Thelma Plum in Sydney, and then January, Cold Chisel. What else, a little tribute night to Joy McKean and Tamworth mid-January, which is going to be great, a whole lot of different people singing Joy McKean's songs, a lot of them are Slim Made Famous.
It never ends, does it, Paul? He's not showing any signs of slowing down, and I dare say there'll be another album that pops up somewhere down the track, too. He's working hard.
That's three or four tours you should just outline the next one. Well, they're not. There's only four Gravy shows, and there's only four shows with Chisel, so it's not like bang-bang, five shows a week for seven weeks or something, so it's pretty cruisy.
Well, we're glad to see you keeping busy, and thanks for joining us today, Paul, and good luck over the next few months. Thank you. It sounds like you guys are pretty busy, too.
Yeah, we might clash paths in different cities on the book tour. We'll be doing a few little intimate shows, too. We'll give you a yell when we're in Melbourne.
All right, thank you. Good luck with that. Let's go get a cool drink. Cool drink. Cheers. Thanks for that. Cheers. Thanks. Thank you. We haven't played it yet, but we'll play it when it's going to be in the setlist for the show, so looking forward to that. Yeah, yeah.
It always amazes us how many songs you have in your head that you can just remember to play on the spot. You don't forget any? The ones I play, you know, I have to, there's a lot, I probably would have, I reckon, probably at least have 150 that I can remember straightaway now. I think that I started doing the A to Z shows a few years back, and, well, I started doing them in 2005, I think, and then I've done them every now and then, you know, and that sort of put a lot of songs, because before that I sort of had a lot of the old songs I'd sort of forgotten, because I wasn't playing that often, but sort of doing shows like that where you sort of play, you know, 100 songs or more over five nights, over four nights, sort of cemented that, you know, so I did a lot of those shows with my nephew Dan, and also when Dan and I tour as a duo quite a lot, especially overseas, so we get, you know, he knows some of the old songs better than I do, so he's always reminding me, let's do that song, or relearn it and learn it, and after a while, you know, you do it often enough, they just stick in your head until dementia kicks in.
What have you got on now? You've got the Gravy shows this year, and that's the next kind of tour. And the book tour as well. The book, smaller tour with the book in smaller theatres, and I'm doing those shows, I'm just performing poems that I put to music and maybe reciting some of the poems from the book, it's an anthology of my favourite poems, and I'll be doing those shows with Alice Keith, who's performed with me before, she sang on the Sonnets record, and she sang on The Trees, which was a Philip Larkin poem that I put to music, which was on the last record, so we've been working together on and off over the last four or five years. She's also on the 30 Mesa Look at Birds, which is a record that came out earlier this year, so it's just Alice and I doing those shows, and talking a bit about the book and the poems. Then we roll into the Gravy shows with Courtney Barnett and Kate Miller-Heidke and Marlon Williams, and Thelma Plum in Sydney, and then January, Cold Chisel. What else? A little tribute night to Joy McKean and Tamworth mid-January, which is going to be great, with a whole lot of different people singing Joy McKean's songs, a lot of them that Slim made famous.
It never ends, does it Paul? He's not showing any signs of slowing down, and I dare say there'll be another album that pops up somewhere down the track too. He's working hard. That's three, four, two, we should just outline the next one. Well, they're not. There's only four Gravy shows, and there's only four shows with Chisel, so it's not like bang, bang, five shows a week for seven weeks or something, so it's pretty cruisy. Well, we're glad to see you keeping busy, and thanks for joining us today Paul, and good luck over the next few months. Thank you, it sounds like you guys are pretty busy too.
Yeah, we might clash paths in different cities on the book tour. We'll be doing a few little intimate shows too. We'll give you a yell when we're in Melbourne.
Alright, thank you. Good luck with that. Let's go get a cool drink. Cool drink. Cheers. Thanks for that. Cheers. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Dutton_Says_If_Indigenous_Want_A_Voice_To_Parliament_They_Can_Pay_Millions_To_Lobbyists_Pauline_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin. I hope you're enjoying yourselves and I hope you're having a happy Easter. My name's Clancy Overall. I'm joined by Errol Parker and Wendell Hussey. How are you both? Yeah, good mate. Just getting ready to celebrate Passover with the fam. So yeah, I'm hoping you guys can actually find some solace in this weekend for you guys.
I know it's a bit different for my tribe, but... Well mate, as a Pentecostal, I was always taught that you'd take us with you. No, no, no. You're at the bottom of my list. No, but you have to take us with you. That's what they told us in the Pentecostal church that they tend to Batutah alive on the corner of Daru and Richards Street. They even wave Jewish flags at the front of the church because we're so committed to the notion that we're coming with you. Well, look, it's a bit different in my family.
Look, you're more or less at the end of the day is going to be treated more or less like the Romanovs were during the Russian Revolution, where you'll be told that everything will be fine and taken down into a basement and promptly shot in the back of the head. Oh, right. And that's by the horses of the apocalypse, I'm guessing. We're now at apocalypse, more theoretically. Yeah, look, I think the horses will do it, or either the trumpeters have put their hand up to rub out the overall family for their reign of terror over the people of Batutah.
And what about you, Wendell? How are you going? Oh, I don't really care about any of that shit, to be honest. I'm looking forward to- Oh, okay.
Lefty alert.
Look, I'm just looking forward to probably two and a half to three kilos of chocolate over the next few days in a bit of time with the family. Mate, you can't enjoy the chocolate unless you're going to actually take part in the actual religious ceremony aspect, because if you didn't have the Easter Bunny, which was brought to you by Christianity, you wouldn't have the chocolate. Well, we still have chocolate, and I guess it just comes in Easter Bunny form, and I would say you can enjoy it without any of that stuff, Clancy.
He's a bit on the front foot here, this young lefty millennial, isn't he? Well, look, he's actually one of those people, like he's in the lanyard working class of people that go down to the Ramadan markets in the French Quarter, and yep, yep, you and your plain Jane mates pack into the back of a Hyundai Getz, and you go down there with a pocket full of ING cards, ready to tap on your bloody camel burgers and everything. No, it's a mate. It's the beauty of this modern era, Errol. You pick all the good things about the various religions, and then you talk shit about all the bad things on social media and Twitter and get fired up. It's the beauty of it. Should we get into the news, Errol?
He's a code switcher. Speaking of switching codes, what's the first headline here, Wendell Huston?
Well, we're going to start off big news out of Canberra this week about the voice the Liberals have formalised their position, and leader Peter Dutton has come out and said that if the Indigenous want a voice to Parliament, they can pay millions to lobbyists like mining corporations do. Yes, opposition leader Peter Dutton says his party does not support a constitutionally enshrined, consolidative body, because there's nothing that these Aboriginal people can tell us that we don't already know more about. He explained that it should be very clear to Australians by now that the Prime Minister is dividing the country, and the Liberal Party seeks to unite the country.
As he said, and I'm going to quote him here, We just think that if they want our ears, and we want any form of influence over political decisions relating to their wellbeing and humanity, they should pay for that access. Like our friends in the gambling and mining industries do, a couple million bucks will get you in the room with Barnaby or Canavan. Get them onside with our bit of blokey banter, maybe a long lunch, donate to our campaigns, and feed us the talking points to pass on to our mates at News Corp. Then you pay the lobbyists to write up the legislation, and we will put it before Parliament. Saves us a lot of work, and gives us a bit of cash to play around with at every election.
Sounds just like a Queensland copper. Yeah, well, he's clear. The line is in the sand. If you just want a voice, then they can pay to play, baby. You can really hear that voice on the side of the Bruce Highway, can't you? Do you know how fast you were going? Give me your license, please.
Speaking of lines in the sand, we'll stay on politics, and Pauline Hanson has come out to say that she condones racism, bigotry, transphobia, and xenophobia, but draws the line at homophobia. Yes, that fuckwit Pauline Hanson has come down to New South Wales to lay down the law to her New South Wales Senate Representative Mark Latham, not by reprimanding him or kicking him out of the party, but by saying she was disgusted by his actions and hoped that he returns her call soon. Comes after Latham's homophobic tweet, which is apparently where Hanson's moral sensibilities kick in. Pauline did also seem surprised that this had happened again, despite a very long history of this happening over the course of her political career.
King Rod Carlton, former member, got done for larceny, didn't he Clancey and Arrow? Mark Ellis, one of the Pink and Bar Six. Stephen Dixon was the one that tried to bribe the NRA, or tried to take money from the NRA on film, and then got caught in the strip club saying that he's had more Asian than he can imagine.
Right. There was another couple too, wasn't there? It goes on and on. Yeah, of course, you know, it's all controlled by a delightful young man named James Ashby. Who has, yes? He's a colorful... An absolutely squeaky clean past as well. ...colorable track record in his own right.
We'll move on to some more positive news now, it's outside of the world of politics, and a local girl's Melbourne trip has been declared a roaring success after managing to nab a Loon croissant. A great win for a Queenslander returning home to Petuta this week, after her trip down south was labeled a home run. Although she's redlining and she's drained her bank account, Felicity Tran told us her Melbourne trip was all worth it after getting herself a croissant from Loon. And now if you haven't been to Melbourne recently, or you don't spend too much time on Instagram, these croissants are apparently an icon down there. So much so that the people queue up for hours to get their hands on them. So in between theater and cocktails, Tran says she was stoked to be able to make it all the way through the two hour long line to get her hands on a little bit of Melbourne's own pastry.
You had one? Have had one. Yeah, very lucky to have one.
Mate, we won the Cold War. We don't have to line up for fucking baked goods anymore. It's this new age thing, Errol. You line up there for hours. It's all about the experience, you know. Make you appreciate the croissants that you can have, apparently. Anyway, sports news to wrap it up.
And a girlfriend who has never once expressed an interest in F1, seems to know an awful lot about Charles Leclerc. Yes, the F1 came to Australia this week and a local boyfriend has learned a little bit about his girlfriend. Local man James Harden told us that he had quite the shock after discovering that his girlfriend Lisa not only has an interest in F1, but also appears to be quite the expert, including having a very in-depth knowledge of drivers Daniel Ricardo, Carlos Sainz and Charles Leclerc.
Apparently it's a silent C, but I'm not a French guy. Charles Leclerc. Leclerc. You want to say he's a silent? Just a second. Okay. Apparently. Leclerc.
Anyway, boys, it's been described as the drive to survive effect and in this case it's alleged that it may have something to do with the oil painting aesthetics of some of the young drivers on the grid. Yeah, we did speak to the girlfriend in question who said to us, AFL and rugby has some lookers, sure, but Formula 1 does it all. They're hot, rich and drive nice cars. There's also the danger element and most of them are bilingual too. They took a few boxes there.
Not that many hot rugby guys. There's a lot of hot AFL players because they're lean and very fit. But I don't know if there's that many hot rugby players.
I know. Are you forgetting Matt Dunning? Yeah, look, and Matt Dunning was actually bilingual too. I mean, like you feed a box of rum into him, I guess he's...
Speaking Greek. Speaking French.
Ben Robinson. Another quite good looking man. He is... A little bit toadstool-y, but I guess that's what you're into. Not everyone can be as good looking as every rugby player from Queensland.
No. He probably would have been a good footy player too. Anyway, that's it. Have a good Easter. Goodbye. See yous. Bye.
A local boyfriend has learned a little bit about his girlfriend. Local man James Harden told us that he had quite the shock after discovering that his girlfriend Lisa not only has an interest in Formula 1, but also appears to be quite the expert. Including having a very in-depth knowledge of drivers Daniel Ricciardo, Carlos Sainz and Charles Leclerc.
Apparently it's a silent C, but I'm not a French guy. Alright. Charles Leclerc. Leclerc. Close C's a silent? Just a second one. Okay. Apparently. Leclerc.
Anyway boys, it's been described as the drive to survive effect. And in this case, it's alleged that it may have something to do with the oil painting aesthetics of some of the young drivers on the grid. Yeah, we did speak to the girlfriend in question who said to us, AFL and rugby has some lookers at shore, but Formula 1 does it all. They're hot, rich and drive nice cars. There's also the danger element and most of them are bilingual too. They took a few boxes there.
Not that many hot rugby guys. There's a lot of hot AFL players because they're lean and very fit. But I don't know if there's that many hot rugby players.
I know. Are yous forgetting Matt Dunning? Yeah, look. And Matt Dunning was actually bilingual too. I mean like you feed a box of rum into him, I guess he's speaking Greek, speaking French. Ben Robinson, another quite good looking man.
He is a little bit toadstool-y, but not everyone can be as good looking as every rugby player from Queensland like your Mark Latham's, your Jason Liddell's. Mark Latham's? Rocky else in his career. Chris Latham. Socks down Chris Latham. Not taxi driver, arm-braking Mark Latham.
No. That would have been a good footy player too. Anyway, that's it. Have a good Easter. Goodbye. See yous. Bye. |
cracked | the_most_awkward_dying_request_ever_cracked_classic | Reginald, you've saved me. Of course. What are older brothers for? Your wound. Is it fatal? I'm afraid so, yes. Is there not something I can do to comfort you? Just one thing. My son. I do not want him to grow old without a father. Will? Yes, of course. I will take care of Charles as if you were my own. Good. That does my heart well. Daniel! Yes, yes, brother. Just one more thing. And my wife? Yes, yes, of course.
I will care for Dorothy. But she will be so lonely during the cold winter months. I wish you to share her bed.
Wait. Are you sure?
I love you, and I love her. And I want you to love each other. Do it. Do her. Do it on her.
For me. Okay. All right. I will do Dorothy for you. Just try to conserve your strength, brother. I will miss you. When you are thrusting into her, I want her to call you. By my name. In fact, I want you to pretend to be me. All right. I'll be you.
Let's see it. See what? See your rational impression.
Okay. Hi. I'm Reginald. Yes.
And I'm making love to my wife. Bigger. I'm Reginald. Bigger. I'm so large, I'm splitting my wife in twain. That's not what I meant by bigger.
But thank you for that, brother. That reminds me. I want you to find one of those oriental girls that I like so much.
And have her dress as a constable. And then dress my lifeless corpse as a sailor. And have her arrest me from matricide. And handcuff me to a mailbox.
No. I'm not doing any of that.
Take Dorothy as an animal would. No! Not like an animal would bang another animal. But like an animal would bang a human being.
What is wrong with you? Do it while the black man watches. What? Why? No. I don't have to explain my wheelie. What? That doesn't mean that... Fuck my wife! No!
Brother, I'm sorry I had to do it. Your suffering has made you delirious. You were right to do it.
Come closer. Yes. Come closer. Yes, I'm here, brother. Come closer.
I just came. Oh.
It's on me. How did you get it on me?
Subscribe. And you'll... Sukey. Suques. Suques is subscription. That's what I'm trying to get across here. |
dropout | Never_Wait_Longer_Than_15_Minutes_For_Anything | We came as fast as we could. What? She's not here. So, now what do we do? I guess we just wait? I say if she's not here in 15 minutes, then we just go. No, shut up, Brody. What?
That's the rule. No, it's not the rule. Yes, it absolutely is the rule. Okay, that doesn't apply here.
Yes, everyone says, look, it's the 15-minute rule. If your teacher doesn't show up after 15 minutes, then everyone gets to leave and you get a 4.0. Okay, that doesn't apply here. Everyone says, look, it's the 15-minute rule. Then everyone gets to leave and you get a 4.0.
That's for school, idiot. This is a job.
We can't just leave. If I show up 15 minutes late to a mission, I get kicked off. The same rules should apply to Duke. Okay, Brody, you weren't kicked off that mission. We went without you.
It does seem a little silly to just wait around. Yeah, I don't want to spend the whole day here.
I thought you were on my side. Maybe we can leave a note. A note?
No, and then she knows I don't want to hear her note. She's going to take that out of her mind.
On the clock. Because she doesn't have hands. I'm not. It would be a note. Never! That's what I'm saying. I'm not moving this. No one is the least thing to me this whole time. And that's 15 minutes. Let's get out of here.
Sarah? Hmm? You coming? Obviously not.
It's just that if you stay here, then you make us look bad. Oh, I make you look bad.
That's right, yeah. You know, we're a team, so we should all be doing something together as a team. Yeah, we're a team, right? Yeah.
Okay, because normally, I feel like you guys don't give a shit about the team, right? Like, Birdie, you're honestly the laziest person I've ever met.
Did you just open your mouth to talk and then you yawned? I honestly can't remember. Okay. Armond, all you do is punch stuff. What? How dare you say that? Yeah, that's crazy. Trish, you literally tried to leave the team just days ago.
That was one time. One time is a lot. No, it's not. One time is a lot. It's not a thing.
Laziness is not efficiency. Not doing something doesn't mean you're efficient. It does if I'm getting just as much done as everyone else. You don't get enough done.
What are you all doing here? Sir, we were waiting for you.
I didn't summon you. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. Maybe I butt summoned you. I don't know. Are you kidding?
We've been waiting here for four hours. Well, why did you wait? I mean, 15-minute rule, right?
That is not a thing. Shh.
Well, that's it for this video. If you liked what you saw and you want to see the rest of the series and more, go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. You don't have to be the brains of the operation to know that that is a good idea. Okay, check it out.
The brains of the operation right here. Welcome to the brain show. It's really more of a science fair because I'm really freaking smart.
Yeah, it's not really that big of a deal. Oh, crap. Okay, I just knocked over a building. Whatever, it's fine. It was like a hospital.
Okay, stop. Shut it down. Open up the top.
What? |
dropout | bond_with_strangers_by_mocking_your_friends | I'm not saying you should eat it, but I think lava looks delicious. Hey guys, this is Rachel, the girl I've been dating. This is Zach and Siobhan. Hi. We've got to come in and sell the rubricates here, so we're going to, uh, we're going to chill. Cool.
Grant, how's that apple? Fine. Taking that shiny red apple to school, little boy? No, I'm eating it. Is he weird about apples with you? Yeah, one time he took a bite of an apple and the noise scared him. Oh no. It was crisper that it had any right to be.
Um, where's the bathroom? It's down the hall to your left.
Ah, an apple! Oh no! Apples! I'm granted it! Scared of apples! I wet my pants!
What the hell are you guys doing? Oh, we're making jokes at your expense. Yeah, it's the easiest way to bond with someone. You make fun of the person you both know, AKA you, AKA Dunskid.
Yeah, the Dunskid. You're Bill Dunschild. Why don't you call him the Dunskid? I'm not a Dunschild. I'm a smart, smart...
Hey, hey, hey, okay! Okay! Oh, okay! Okay! I didn't say it like that. Okay!
Oh man, Grant, your friends are so funny! Yes, they are.
Sorry, we were just giving you a hard time. Excuse me. One second. Guys, cut it out. Why?
She's having a great time! Yeah, she's on our side now. We're buddies. It's great. Yeah, but you're making me happy.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, but you're making me look stupid. No, we're making you look good.
Yeah, I mean, what do you want us to do? Have the normal, boring, nice-to-meet-you conversation? Uh, what do you do for a job?
What's your favorite type of pizza?
That shit is lame. Everybody knows that the best way to bond with somebody else is to make fun of another human being. Maybe. I just... I don't like looking like an idiot.
Whoa!
Why did you do that? Um, Grant, I think I gotta go. What about dinner? Um, yeah, I'm definitely not attracted to you anymore.
Hi, guys! Hi! So nice to meet you. She's great. Oh, yeah, good catch. Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching.
You can click here to subscribe or you can click over here for something else fun. You can also click here if you want to feed me clicks. I like them. Mmm, clicks. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_man_trapped_in_plane_bathroom_elton_john_earns_an_egot_snl | A new report finds that the average 50-year-old in America is worth over $1 million, while the average 30-year-old is worth more Dead Than Alive. Elton John won an Emmy for his farewell concert special, earning him a coveted Egot, which is an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony. a new startup company is developing a male contraceptive that involves one injection that will prevent pregnancy for 10 years, so get ready for an exciting future of taking the man's word for it. a Volvo crashed through the front of a Whole Foods in a Maryland suburb. it was an accident so white that everyone's insurance went down. a passenger on Spirit Airlines was arrested after he repeatedly asked female flight attendants to join the Mile High club, even though Spirit's airplanes can't get above 300 feet. Tesla owners are complaining that during the sub-zero temperatures that swept through the country, they couldn't get their cars to charge. But on the plus side, they were able to stay warm in the battery fires. a man on a plane in India who was trapped in the bathroom for the whole flight says the crew slipped him a piece of paper reading do not panic. then he slipped them a piece of paper back. Reading more paper, please. A new study suggests that men are better than women at using a map, while women are better at sitting silently for the rest of the car ride after you tell them that. a new study of pregnant women finds that vaping does not harm their babies as long as they're very careful shoving the vape up there.
And this was a nice story over the holidays. nearly 20 drivers on the Staten Island Expressway worked together to save a Chihuahua named Bean that had run onto the road. And then the Staten Islanders banded together again to send Bean back to where he came from. |
Wizards_with_Guns | why_is_batman_weirdly_pro_billionaire | Tony, would you hurry up? What's the matter, Donny? This game of the Batman?
No, I need the money tonight if I'm gonna book the ballroom at the airport Marriott for my niece's bat mitzvah. It's the only place with a wheelchair accessible stage, and I really wanted to feel special on a big day.
Huh. That's actually...
That's actually pretty nice, Donny. Donny? Donny!
Hello? How are you?
Justice. I am vengeance. I am the night.
Bruce Wayne? What? Oh my god. What? Yeah, you're Bruce Wayne. How? Why could you even say that?
Your goatee. Your facial hair. Yeah? You like it? No, it's the same one Bruce Wayne has. Look. So? A lot of people are trying out goatees. Yeah, no, but you have the exact same goofy little star-shaped thing he has. Keep talking crap about my sweet goatee, and I'm gonna have bought you so dang hard. Okay, geez.
It's just, you're definitely Bruce Wayne. I am not. Maybe I'm just copying Bruce Wayne, because he's like the coolest guy in Gotham. I mean, he's not that cool.
He's just rich. Most people think hoarding billions of dollars is unethical. Oh, this is the classic discrimination that handsome billionaires face every day. He doesn't actually have a billion dollars, dumbass.
Most of his fortune is invested in Wayne Enterprises. And does Wayne Enterprises happen to make dark armored vehicles?
Yeah, but mostly opioids. Oh my god. Really? And opioid addiction recovery pills. Oh my god.
You're so stupid. You're a villain. Ha! Save your jokes for the jokester. You mean the Joker? No. The jokester. He's a new one. He's like the Riddler, but for jokes. Okay. Did he give you that goatee as a prank? I warned you.
What? Oh my god! Ah! Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Ah! Shh!
No, it's okay. It's okay, you're fine. You stabbed my eyes with your ears! Oh my god! Is it bad? You look fine. I can't see! Oh, it's okay.
You're a criminal. You deserved it. Do you want me to kill you? Because I would never do that.
It hurts!
Here, take these opioids. Oh, and you'll probably need these opioid addiction recovery pills. But be careful. The addiction medication is actually pretty hard to kick.
Well, I'll have to fight the puzzler. He's like the Joker. Excuse me. But with puzzles! Thank you. Bye. No, it's mostly opioid. Save your jokes for the... Save your jokes for the jokester. Stop laughing! You're fucking me up. |
Wizards_with_Guns | amish_people_in_space | By order of the Squinty Stabbas! Squinty Stabbas, only on the Big British Channel!
And now, back to space Amish! Captain, something's amiss! What do you mean Joseph? We're all amiss! We're losing horsepower sir!
How much? One! What?
That's it! I'm going out there! Someone get my Levi's! We're right here sir! Perfect! Now go get my space chains!
Who's steering the ship? I thought Elijah was! No! I'm turning butter! Captain, what about the life support? Throw it overboard! It's powered by the Devil's lightning! Yes sir! Wait! Don't open that door! Why? Space Mormons! Captain, a rescue ship has opened communications on the big screen! Screen? Destroy it!
Where's Rebecca?
I can't be with you Barthola screw! You're a cyborg! And I'm Amish! But I love you! Oh god! Sir!
It's almost Sunday! Sunday? You mean the Sabbath? Or the day we impact the sun? Both!
Oh shit! Next week on Space Amish! If you're watching this, it means I have died. I can't be with you! I had it! You missed! I can't be with you Barthola screw!
You're a cyborg! Stupidly qualified! |
SaturdayNightLive | loud_table_snl | Okay, table for two, right here. Thanks. Enjoy. Honey, this place is nice. yeah, I'm glad we're doing this, you know? it's been too long since we've had a date night. that's crazy.
No, I swear, this chick, total 10, pops out a full set of dentures. Oh, gnarly.
Whoa! these guys are so loud. you want me to go say something? no, you don't have to do that. hey, yo, dudes, dudes, dudes, did you guys watch the game last night? Oh, yo, Lebron, when. Oh! that's it. I'm gonna go say something. it's our date night. I'm gonna tell him to just keep it down. it's okay. hey! uh, can we help you? yeah.
I just wanted to say, you guys seem like really close friends. that's special. hope you guys treasure that. Wish I had a group of guys like this. you must, uh, you must really love each other. Uh, yeah. I guess I love them. don't say it to me. say it to them. Oh, uh, yeah, uh, I love you guys. cool. thanks, man. yeah, definitely. nice.
Anyway, you fellas, enjoy yourselves. well, I don't think we'll be hearing from them anymore. babe, what was that? I thought you were gonna tell them to be quiet. Oh, they'll be quiet now. You see, nothing shuts up a group of guys like an earnest expression of how much they mean to each other. seriously, that works? see for yourself. How's, uh, how's your steak? uh, looks good. cool. that's crazy. Oh, yeah. one time at a sleepover in middle school, I told my friends that laughing with them was the highlight of my day. haven't spoken to them since. Anyway, now that we have some quiet, tell me about your day.
Okay, well, uh, today it worked. And that's what I said to them. I said, I didn't chase. I tried. no, babe, no, I don't want to. No, it's fine. I got this. excuse me. um, sorry. is there a problem? yeah.
I just wanted to say, do you ever think about how your mom is just a girl, too? just a girl living life for the first time just like you? You know, this is stupid, but I actually have this photo of my mom painting my nursery while she was pregnant with me. if y'all want to look at it and think about your moms, you can, too. She called me yesterday, and I let it go to voicemail. when I was 15, I took her car and smoked a full bag of cigarettes in it and barfed in the front seat. this smell never left. one time I threw a suitcase at my mom because she wouldn't let me shave my head.
I really regret that. Yeah. anyway, I'm sorry to bother you. enjoy your meal. Oh, that ought to take care of that. Wow. that sure was something. Yep, nothing quiet except a group of women quite like the reminder of their mother's humanity. Nice job, honey. now we can get back to date night. you were telling me something happened at work today? Oh, yeah. um, I cheated on you with my boss, and I think we should break up. Hey, Babycakes. want to get out of here? yeah. sorry. Aw, man. uh, hey, man. are you okay? I'll be all right. Thanks for checking in on me, guys. really means a lot that you care so much about me. Oh, they're gone. Yeah, I got to stop doing that. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_resident_boyfriend_michael_longfellow_on_weaponized_incompetence_snl | This week, the term weaponized incompetence was trending on Tiktok. as some women were calling out their male partners for doing simple tasks badly on purpose, so they never have to do them again, here to comment is our resident boyfriend, Michael Longfellow. Che, always good to be with you, my friend. Michael, how you doing? So what's your take on weaponized incompetence?
Well, I just learned about it because my girlfriend asked me to buy dishwasher soap and I bought dish soap, which is different, I guess. So my take is, I totally get her point, but what I need her to understand is, I'm just incompetent. and I'm trying really, really hard. And I love you, girl. So please don't be mad at me. Do you think she might get upset about you saying any of this on Tv? No, she'll be upset because I was supposed to pick up our cat from daycare yesterday and I'm realizing as I speak, I totally forgot. Michael, that's not great, man. that's terrible.
But in the words of J.lo, this is me, now. You know what? let me just talk to the ladies directly for a second. let me get the camera.
I don't think you should, man. hey, girls. it's Longfellow. don't get excited. it's just a name. small wiener joke. No, we got it, man, we got it. just a joke. But look, ladies, what are we fighting about? this isn't us.
Yes, men sometimes mess up tasks so simple that a child could do them. But girl, that's society's fault. that's not us being weapons. the only weapons I own, right here. And they're for protecting you, girl. as long as he's smaller than me. sick, if possible. that's your point? I forgot to think of one. I know I need to be better. But here's the truth. if I lived alone, I'd have one plate, I would never cook, I would order food, put the takeout boxes on top of the trash can, and when the boxes touch the ceiling, move back in with my mom. that's a good life to me. I'm okay living like that. you're not, Kate. you just say your girlfriend's real name. Yeah, oopsie. But let's turn the tables. let's talk about weaponized competence. weaponized competence? yeah, women. you're too competent.
Why do you know how to do all this stuff? How do you know the word duvet? Who told you that? I've been living on the same earth as you, girl. never once heard duvet. and now you're mad at me because I don't know how to put it on. put what on What? this guy's got some good points.
Michael Longfellow, everybody. I'm so sorry, man. ["pomp and circumstance"] |
cracked | how_neighborhood_apps_make_us_worse_neighbors_nextdoor_ring_citizen_cracked_explains | your phone found a missing 103 year old chess fan. It's raining cats in the suburbs and neighborhood apps like Ring, Next Door, and Citizen are making us into better neighbors. Hi, I'm Greg. The old man had been lost in Manhattan. These two lucky cats cashed in two of their 18 lives and unfortunately connected local apps are disconnecting our neighborhoods faster than spectrum.
Local communities are a staple of the internet like dancing hamsters and kicking off conversations with the word first. Back when the World Wide Web was early in its filth and yet still clean enough to eat off of, millions of locals relied on Craigslist to find a potential roommate to have sex with before selling you a PlayStation that they'd later use to kill you. But beyond the classifieds, Craigslist also featured a robust community section and discussion forums where neighbors could find babysitting and childcare services, hear about upcoming huge garage sales, get free dirt, attend workshops about how to make money selling defibrillators and even share their love for the most epic bubble bath over and over again. Services like these can be incredibly useful, especially bathing Ashton, but once you make it easy to link together local villagers, it doesn't take much to turn this into this. If you live in a small town, you may have heard of Topics.com, a defunct community news platform and forum for the mid 2000s that is now a dumping ground for publishers clearing house quizzes about military operations and baked goods. Topics emphasized internet-based citizen journalism where anyone could post or edit reports or offer commentary on local happenings.
And as the site grew in popularity, it carved out an identity as a cesspool of character assassination that trafficked in divorce-provoking gossip. On any given plot du jour, you could find unsubstantiated rumors about a mother of two described as a meth doubt, doped out whore with AIDS, and a 13-year-old girl said to be prego by her mommy's man. And while destroying the life of a grieving fiance over unfounded murder allegations isn't exactly what I would characterize as productive community discourse, you know what? Topics was like 10 years ago.
And I'm sure by now that the good, smart people of Silicon Valley have somehow figured out how to, I can't even finish this sentence. ["The Next Door"] Let's start with Nextdoor. You can draw a line so straight from Topics to Nextdoor that your homeowner's association will have to invent a reason that it's not up to code. Nextdoor is a social platform designed for neighbors to connect and share information. As documented by the best of Nextdoor Twitter account, it's where people give away pet lobsters, arrange monthly meetings about the JFK assassination, and posit detailed chlamydia questions to the gardening group. The account is endlessly entertaining, and I hope I'll get an answer. But Nextdoor itself isn't too pleased with the best of its users, and for good reason.
It accurately depicts their pettiness innuendo and paranoia. One user warned other neighborhood moms to be on the lookout for signs of middle schoolers vaping, like carrying a backpack, making friends, or hanging out at Pizza Hut. Another user complained that an older model car was parked on a nearby street, noting that they pay a lot of money to live in this neighborhood, and they're outraged they should have to look at a car with such a low Kelly Blue Book value. Now these might be small examples, but they're not simply isolated, old man yelling at cloud instances of Mr. Wilson trying to warn his fellow retirees that Dennis the Menace is going to drug you. They play into a broader pattern of what the Burge describes as the Karen problem, which is exactly what it sounds like.
Nextdoor's longtime reputation has been that of a site used to racially profile neighbors and report them to the police. And as the article points out, Nextdoor's volunteer moderators have had agency to strike down posts they disagree with and leave up inflammatory messages. On the platform, you're told to use your real name and are verified to be living in your actual neighborhood. But in the wake of the 2020 Black Lives Matter protests, many black users were made to feel unsafe on the platform as it opened up a window into how their neighbors truly feel about them. And to bring this conversation back to Karen, because it's always about her, the Nieman Lab describes Nextdoor as an overlooked player in misinformation, derailing public health discussions into conspiracy rabbit holes. If Nextdoor is truly trying to cultivate a kinder world, it needs some stronger garden shears.
For those who enjoy spending their weekends updating the software on their doorbell, the Ring Home Security System is a genuinely useful product. According to their own marketing, the Ring Video Doorbell allows you to observe your son's friend, a delivery person, and two porch pirates swinging by your front door over the course of one minute and 29 seconds on a very busy afternoon. Now, the neighborhood problem here isn't that Ring has been called the perfect storm of security threats with its live feeds and microphones being hacked to terrify users. For one thing, it's not like Amazon, whatever release and insecure device it's able to observe you 24 seven. The broader issue is Ring's social features.
Videos can easily be shared to Facebook or posted to its own neighbor's app. You can watch your friends ruin a surprise birthday party in real time or see if a bear needs to borrow a cup of sugar. But it's primarily a neo-neighborhood watch, allowing anonymous neighbors to post security camera clips with comments enabled in categories like crime, lost pet, and I'm not sure, which is like if your vestibule happens to capture some UFO footage or a scene from Mordecai.
A vice investigation analyzed two months worth of posts in Brooklyn and found that 75% of them pertained to petty crimes like package theft and the comment sections quickly devolved into verbal abuse. Getting mad at someone for stealing your artwork is understandable, even admirable, but this ire isn't only fixed on small-time crooks. In suburban Ohio, one resident lamented that Ring videos are their neighborhood's primary source of rage commenting, trashing kids for taking shortcuts through someone's lawn or attacking the mailman for how they park.
Considering Ring's well-publicized partnerships with local police departments, it's no wonder that this constant state of surveillance is fostering a community of paranoia where everybody thinks that they're going to be the next victim. Watch your back, Cliff. If your fear-mongering wants to enjoy both a chicken sandwich and a double cheeseburger, Citizen is the McGangbang of paranoia.
Originally named Vigilante when it was launched and quickly banned from the App Store in 2016, it's a social network built around the idea that your neighborhood is on fire and you need to get out now. Envisioned is an open 911 system. Police scanner broadcasts and user-uploaded incidents report on everything, from dryer fires to a vehicle running over a person's foot. And going one step further, Citizen's paying users to livestream crime scenes in cities like Los Angeles to demonstrate the 21st century bystander effect in real time. But make no mistake, Citizen wants you to take action. In May 2021, its live show, On Air Rescue 911 for the TikTok generation offered a $30,000 reward for information about an arson suspect who turned out to be the wrong guy. I'm not saying that Citizen doesn't have some legitimate use cases.
I'm genuinely shocked at how many people get trapped in elevators on a daily basis. But its own employees have described the company as an anxiety sweat shop, and for good reason.
Under the purview of keeping your neighborhood safe, it peddles a $20 a month protect service to monitor your surroundings and alert the cops to prevent you from becoming a push notification. It's even testing out a private, on-demand security force in case you can't afford Eric Prince.
While communities can harbor legitimate fears over crime and safety, Citizen paints this picture that we should be terrified in our homes and pay for a greater sense of security. And if you really want to have a bad night's sleep in Fantasyland, at least moving to Margaritaville comes with free drinks. ["Ave Maria"] Recode has characterized these three apps as fear-based social media, which I think is an apt description of all social media. But these particular apps perpetuate a false sense of fear, encourage racial profiling, and promote vigilante justice.
They're not making us better neighbors. They're making us question the motives of Mr. Rogers. Why are there so many kids going over to that old guy's place every day? Now, I'm not trashing the idea of online communities. They can serve a valuable purpose, like helping you find a semi-honest contractor or reminding me that I'm a weak-razored Zach Braith. But people wanna know what's happening in their neighborhoods and poorly moderated social networks aren't a suitable replacement for local news, or perhaps more importantly, getting to know the people you live around.
I don't think these products are irredeemable, but the small steps they're taking to gin up a positive image aren't exactly groundbreaking. Nextdoor has built an anti-racism notification and kindness reminder into its platform because the VHS sticker wasn't cutting it. Ring's Neighbors has a feature to highlight neighborly moments that showcase good deeds like a neighbor shoveling someone else's driveway and taking away good-paying jobs from middle schoolers. And Citizen has something called magic moments emphasizing green hearts amidst the sea of burglars, open flames, and fists. I suppose each of these actions is a nice gesture. But if you really wanna help your neighborhood become a better place, you should try this gesture on your home screen. |
dropout | bad_dads_episode_5_with_michael_cera | Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. All right, all right everybody, come on, brought some party favors, there we go, all right Cory, what do you say? Thanks dad. Come on, happy birthday, I'm proud of you, let's do this, let's fly. It's cool, you win, you win.
But your dad hasn't threw a drinking party for you. No, he doesn't. So there's no way you're going to hook up with him, but you're drinking so that could change.
Yes? Admit it. Right? Odds are different. Got it.
Look, my grandfather was in World War II, okay, so I'm just saying like, this doesn't come from nowhere, but the Japanese people left their own devices, fuck shit up, that is true. Over any period, you read history for like five seconds, and that is evident. You know, they make the Germans look like Canadians, for real, and that's not just me saying that. Those are fucked up cultures over there. Whoa man, you are old, is it okay that you're here?
Yeah, I'm Jessica's boyfriend. Jessica, she's like 17. She's actually turning 18 in a few weeks, and we're really in love.
Man, you are awesome. I can't, you are out there, man. Wow, I think you and I are a lot alike.
I doubt it. Whoa, that is, I cannot believe that.
You are shameless. You do not know boundaries. Did I ever tell you about the night you were conceived, your mom was all passed out? No, stop it, dad. Would you please just get out of here? We were all having a fun time, and then you showed up, and now no one's having fun. I know, right? Everyone is dead. We got to take this to the next level. No, don't take it to the next level. Oh, excuse me, guys. Trust me. Don't take the nap in the car, please.
No, they're going to love it. Come on, let's go. They're going to love it.
Let me do this. Hey, everybody. Time to change our brains here, all right? This is called Huffin, and the ride starts now. I'm going to go first, right, then the old guy and his underage girlfriend, then my son, the love of my life, all right? All right. Real easy. Okay, you guys are not even going to know me in three, two, one. I'm sorry. |
TheOnion | Ashton_Kutcher_Caught_Canoodling_With_Ancient_Disc_Made_Of_Pure_Evil | Sit back, relax, and let the star fix course through your veins. Well, just weeks after the announcement of his impending divorce, Ashton Kutcher is making tabloid headlines again. Last night, the Two and a Half Men star was photographed hanging out in a nightclub with a mysterious black disc rumored to be made of pure evil. For more on this juicy, celebrous story, welcome gossip columnist, Brian Speaks. Hey, Angeli. Hey, Brian. So, what's the story? Well, according to TMZ, Ashton showed up at trendy L.A. club Avalon last night around 1 a.m. with an evil disc under his arm.
What? Then, he spent the rest of the night muttering incantations to it in an incomprehensible tongue. I can't believe this. Right in front of everybody? Really? Yeah, right in front of everyone. He wasn't even trying to hide it, Angelique.
He's obsessed with this disc already. People say Ashton spent the whole night staring at it and his eyes were literally spinning in their sockets. Okay, so, I mean, what do you know about this disc? Well, what we know is it's apparently about 2,000 years old and it's been seen with everyone from Roman Emperor Tiberius to Henry VIII. Oh, yeah, it sounds like it gets around. That's right. Now, TMZ says it's originally from another dimension, but Gawker's reporting that it was found in Antarctica inside an endless cave that may lead to hell itself. Well, now, there are rumors that People magazine already offered the odious disc $100,000 for an exclusive interview, but, of course, no one's sure if it'll take it since the disc may not have a need for earthly money, right?
Yeah, I'm not sure if it'll take it. It's going to take it, Angelique. It's going to take the money.
So, we all know Ashton is a prolific tweeter. I mean, has he mentioned the controversy to you at all? He hasn't, no, and he's posted five times already this morning, but no tweet mentioning the disc.
Okay, so, I notice the disc also appears to have some runes scrawled on it. I mean, do we know what those say? Well, TMZ warns that these words are not to be uttered aloud, but apparently all it says is, Ach tu nag hagun nag krakatun. Okay, any idea what that means? No, but you know these Hollywood types. It's probably some sort of yoga.
Okay, Brian. Brian, what's going on? I don't know what's going on, actually. Okay, is there any comment yet from Demi on the disc? Oh, no. Oh, my God. Brian? Okay, okay, Brian. Brian? Oh, well, I guess we lost Brian.
Now, Ashton may be in trouble, but the press has nothing but good things to say about the cloud of fluttering butterflies that Zooey Deschanel was seen hanging out with in Central Park earlier this week. |
TheOnion | Nation_s_Lunatics_Lament_Rising_Cost_Of_Car_Meat | Already struggling to get by on the basic necessities of day-to-day life, lunatics across the nation confirmed today that they are now barely able to afford the quickly rising price of car meat. I've got 14 Barbra Streisands to feed and three more on the way. Day and night, they shout, we're hungry, Admiral. We want Grade A hand-a-loaf. We want Nissan truck. Mentally deranged individuals reported that the price spike has left them unable to afford not just the luxury car meats like Chevy Tenderloin and Roast Minivan, but has also left them struggling to get their recommended daily allowance of 17 pounds of car meat per day. Used to be you could go down to the laundromat and pick up three convertible chops for the price of a bucket of gravel. Still have enough left over for a few cans of Volkswagen loin. Now you can't even get a Dune buggy flank unless you're as rich as a mall pulp. In response to the crisis, lunatics say they're taking active steps to help curb the quickly rising cost of car meat.
Until then, however, the vast majority of lunatics have been left questioning the system. I just want to know what Bruno Mars plans to do about this. He sits around all day eating Aldi ribeye and limousine bouillabaisse while we scrape by with taxi shanks. Meanwhile, the men at arms are still overseas fighting the war on will of fortune. I'll tell you this much, I'm not taking this sitting down. Neither of us are. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | snl_stars_lorne_michaels_found_on_the_internet | Here are five SNL success stories that began on the interwebs, like Andy Samberg, who may have been the first SNL comic discovered on the internet. When Samberg auditioned, he says in SNL Oral History Live from New York, the SNL powers that be asked. So what's the deal with these guys? And they were like, they're a group and they work really well together and they have this website with all these videos and there was enough material to be looked at if someone cared to look at. The videos were funny enough that SNL hired Samberg's Lonely Island partners, Jorma Takoni and Akiva Shafer to write on the show as well. Then came Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett, as members of YouTube comedy collective known as Good Neighbor Stuff. Mooney and Bennett amassed millions of views with videos like Toast. Mooney's solo channel aptly named Kyle also had more than 100,000 followers. When the Lonely Island guys departed, SNL hired the pair in an effort to make a lightning strike twice. Chloe Feynman. Okay, okay. Feynman was also trained with the groundlings, but what really got her noticed were weird videos and celebrity impressions she posted on Instagram. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_big_baby_makes_the_sale_snl | Well, to say that we are excited to work on the Winthrop Tire calendar is simply an understatement. I mean, that's like saying the astronauts were just excited to land on the moon. we are really excited about this. Well, that's great. we're very excited also.
Yes, and I think I speak for Rob when I say this. she does speak for me, and I don't even know what she's going to say. Well, but I definitely think that Winthrop Tires is in the position to be the number one tire outlet in the country. I agree. Well, with that having been said, let me introduce Jim Lasterbik. he's going to handle the presentation from here on in. Jim. Thanks, Dave. Now, if you'll go ahead and take a look at these. What we've prepared, you'll see, is a new ad campaign that focuses on Winthrop Tires' versatility. we feel that the consumers need to know that the all-weather radio. questions? Yes.
I must be missing something because my packet is empty. Yeah, so mine is too. No, I'm sure the packet's in there. Well, actually, Jim, I don't have anything either. Well, I know. I put the packet in the folders. I just have these two blank pieces of paper.
Jim? did you not come up with a presentation? No. why didn't you? I didn't want to. did you even attempt to come up with a presentation? Yes! Maybe we should leave. No, no, no. this has happened before.
I was talking about Winthrop Tires and I got mad because I thought it was too hard and I didn't do it. What was hard about it? I don't know. it was just hard.
Jim. yeah. Jim. Jim, look at me.
Ray, I've got to give this presentation. What can I do to help you give this presentation?
I want that lady to leave. you mean Janice? Yeah, Janice. Why? Why do you want Janice to leave? She looks angry. I'm not angry. No, no. Janice isn't leaving. Why not? Janice is the client. she's not leaving. I don't like her. Well, I'm sorry. you're not. my boss anymore because you eat poo.
Okay, okay. You know what?
I'm going to give the presentation. No! I want to give it! Okay. well, then you stand up and you give the presentation. I don't like you. Jim, stop it. stop it Now. stop it.
Do you want a juice box? Grape. it's good. I know. you like grape.
Yeah. the windthrip tires are the best because they satisfy the needs of many demographic groups. with that theory in mind, we would establish a comprehensive campaign that would fulfill and successfully explode. Exploit? sound it out. exploit those consumer markets. Wow. that is actually the strategy that we've been looking for.
Yes, nothing. I'm so. thank you. that wasn't so hard now, was it? No. Well, I'm glad you feel confident in our approach, and I'll send the paperwork over tomorrow morning. Good. thanks a lot. thank you. thank you so much. thank you. good morning. good morning. Wow. what a bunch of anuses. Yeah. nice job, Jim. come on. let's go get a lap dance. Okay. thank you. |
CrackerMilk | elon_musk_tries_to_do_comedy | All right, hey, why does your mouth go like that when you do that? It's got like what? I hate that. These people are paying us to make this for them. And you look like a meme format from 10 years ago.
Don't stop that.
Mel Gibson has secretly been building a base on Mars. Elon Musk has hired you to take the bastard out.
What did you bring to take him out? Because all I've got is these two rusty spoons. All I've got is a Tesla. He just said, if you do this, I'll give you a Tesla.
And I really like those cars. Have you seen those cars? They're awesome. They're pretty fucking cool.
I got a Tesla, but I can't fit it in my space backpack. So I guess I'm gonna have to leave my car here.
And all I've got are your two rusty spoons. Yeah, so we'll have one rusty spoon. I've taken both and you have nothing. And I have both rusty spoons now.
Hello? Hello, brothers.
It is me, Elon Musk. Oh, it's Elon Musk. I've never actually heard how Elon Musk sounds.
But I know that he's from South Africa. He's from South Africa. So he must sound like this. Yeah, that's how he sounds. That's exactly how Elon Musk sounds. He's from Joburg.
Can I have another Tesla? No, sorry. I see seven Teslas.
No, I was stuck in the cupboard. See, the reason that I brought you boys here was to help me get off Mars.
Was it a fart? Did you just do a little fart? Did you do a fart?
Nah, man. Sorry, Elon.
I'm just a little excited to meet my hero. Are we on Mars? We are on Mars right now. Oh, shit. I thought we were on Earth. Damn, I thought we were heading to Mars. No, boys, you're on Mars right now. Look around you. Thank God we're on two rusty spoons.
We're in the dome. We're in the dome, brothers.
I see. Wait, what's... Look around. What's that? Is that...
It's a Mars rover.
That's being... It's being held at gunpoint. Hey, fellas. How are we? Is that Mel Gibson? Mel fucking Gibson. Yeah, what's going on?
I should have known. Mel. I should have fucking known. It's me, Smelly Melly.
How are ya? It's a good thing we're behind this bullet in the grass so he cannot shoot us.
You like Mad Max? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like Mad Max. I was in that one. The first three of them. Mel. Yeah, mate. Let's go. We've all seen Mad Max, Mel Gibson. You like Mad Max? Yes. Even I, Elon Musk, have seen Mel Gibson.
Did you see Hacksaw Ridge? I directed Hacksaw Ridge. I have not seen that movie. No, but can I...
You know the problem, mate? Is that there's too many of one breed of people on Earth. And I've come here and I've thought to myself, the problem isn't one breed of people. It's that when I hate a group of people, you know, after making a very religious film, Passion of the Christ.
I was in that, if you've seen it. Oh, you're in there. Yeah, yeah. I've been in quite a few films, actually. Oh, yes.
What's your favorite? Please don't make him list them. What's that?
Hacksaw Ridge was very good. Lethal Weapon was very good. I was in all of them.
We came out very, very, very good. I was in that. Was there a third one? Yeah. Mil, what about Braveheart? Yeah, Braveheart's all right. I was in that. I was a Scottish man in Braveheart.
At the end, or near the end, you go, freedom! Yeah, I love freedom for most people. But not for all. Who do you not want freedom for? Ah!
We're on Mars. We are the only people here. Safe space here.
But what I was thinking was, I'll get away from the cunts I don't like. Is it your family? You do not like your family, Mil? No, no, I love my family. But I thought, fucking humans are shit.
I am going to start a new society where I'm playing my films nonstop by using the technology in the Mars rovers. So I'm building a huge audience on Mars with the Martians.
Oh, yes. I can see it just down there.
There's a cineplex. You've built an entire cineplex. Cineplex is down there.
So we're streaming some good stuff. You can eat some space popcorn, which is normal popcorn. But it's not at all. Is it like a serve your own? Well, it's small capsules of MDMA.
Right. That's how you float on Mars. Well, it's just so you stay and you enjoy the film because the way the films work is they're playing all the time and they're playing everywhere. And if you're not listening to one of the films, you will be shot. Right. Now, which one of your movies is playing? Oh, it's actually all of the lethal weapons. All at one time? Yeah. On one screen.
Oh, that's Ripper. Yeah, it is Ripper, isn't it?
Did I hear you saying you wanted to leave? What? No, no, no. I've had no intention of leaving.
The reason I came here, Mel, the reason I came here. I just spat on you a bit there. Sorry, Mel. The reason I came here, mate, is I wanted to experience all of the Mad Max franchise.
I've only seen the first one. I've never seen the second. I've never seen Thunderdome despite being in the dome right now. Never seen it, mate.
I would like to see the new ones and the new one that just came out recently or is going to come out, I'm not sure. What did you say? Recently. There's nothing new. What was it?
Mad Max Fury Road. There's nothing fucking new happening in my career. Which is Mad Max films, is it not? Yeah, Mad Max films, okay. I was in the first three and then the last one I was not in due to some statements and comments I made prior. You are not in Fury Road, mate. I don't want to talk about fucking Fury Road.
Mel Gibson, look at you. You are furious, mate. You're surely on Fury Road. You're surely, surely. Surely you are on Fury Road. Look at you, you're furious.
Enough! You're the perfect man for the role. Enough!
You will watch the lethal weapons. You will watch the first three Mad Maxes.
This is beautiful, Mel. Stop it! Mel, this is beautiful. Stop it, I can't! I'm filming this now. No, Mel, that is perfect. And cut, Mel.
I'm going to take that role, that real film I just filmed, and I'm going to take it to a famous director. Uh, what's the film? Steven Spielberg, he's here with us right now. Steven Spielberg is a Jew. And he's going, and he's going to make that film for you. He's going to put you in Fury Road.
Is it a problem that he's a Jew? What's, what, is there an issue that we have here, man?
Mel Gibson, it is his heritage to be Jewish. It is Steven Spielberg, it is who he is. It is just a part of him. He's a filmmaker. We're going to make a great film. That was just honestly some great content.
Look at his hat. He has a beautiful hat on, a director's hat.
It's just become nighttime on Mars.
Did you make Schindler's List? Yeah, I'm out. Get rid of him.
You did not, you did not like Schindler's List, man. Fucking hated Schindler's List. What was wrong with Schindler's List?
It was a hard-going film. Fucking story sucked, man. What was your favorite pit? Well, it's shit, man. When the bad guy wins, it's shit, isn't it? It's a bad man. Sorry.
No, no, see, we don't- Is that what you wanted from me? What? Is that what you wanted from me?
Wait, sorry, sorry, sorry. No, Mel, I was not filming that time. Yeah, of course. Oh, sorry Mel, I was not filming. Fuck your continent, cunt.
Great work, Mel. Great work. Working for the camera.
Well, now that we're here in the Cineplex, okay, and everything's all sorted. I've got my space popcorn. Yeah, he wants your space. Eating that MDMA, hey, how's that going?
Now, the price for a ticket- My child's name is ages 12. I do not know. Mate, now the price ticket for you, you seem like a good guy. Yep. Okay. $75. $75 for a fucking movie ticket? Yeah. Wait, see, on Mars, Steven, on Mars, the economy is different, mate. No, no, it's only about- We are tied to Bitcoin. It's only about $12, but it's just you, right? What do we do? Because he's a famous director. Yeah, yeah. I'm a billionaire. How much do I have to pay, mate?
Two Teslas. I'm sorry, I do not have two Teslas. I'm up here on Mars. Mate, I see that you've bought, with you, at least 12 Teslas right behind you. No, no, no, you see that in the distance there? All those Teslas, that part of Teslas, mate? That civilization over there? Yeah.
That is a mirage, mate. That is a mirage. A Mars mirage. Coming from South Africa, it's common for me to see mirages. I'm used to it, mate. You can tell by the pixels that it's a mirage. They're driving. I can see the cars driving. Oh, that's a mirage, mate. They're coming closer, but that's a mirage.
I know that I've got all these Mars rovers and I'm playing all my films, but there is a deeper, darker, more sinister thing happening behind the scenes. Are you treating those Mars rovers okay? No, no, I'm sexually abusing them.
Are there laws here on Mars, mate? Sorry? Are there laws here on Mars? Yeah, look, there is, like, I am going to be honest, it is just like Earth. If you go probably, like, two k's down that way, you'll find a local town full of Martians that look very similar to us.
And they've actually ostracized me from... Why have you not interacted with them, mate?
Oh, no, I did. I came here and I was very popular. I made more lethal weapons. How many, mate? Another seven. Wow. That equals 14. I'm a smart man.
And it was, you know, it was a really fun time. Everything was going really well.
What were the seven other weapons that you used in those films? God, here we go again with the fucking weapons. I think I've explained clearly that I know my weapons. Yeah, you know, seven weapons, mate. Three more. I know 14 weapons. Seven more weapons, mate. Seven more weapons.
Go on, name it. Rock, salt and pepper shaker. That could be a weapon. Shoes, that is thrown over a power line.
Yes. Okay. That indicates a drug dealer's house. And you made all of these on Mars. Passion of the Christ. Okay. And that could technically be a weapon if you, like, fling the CD. Yes, I have seen, I have seen Shaun of the Dead and they tried that. It worked okay with vinyl discs. Yeah. I do not know how a compact disc would go. Banjo, that hasn't been tuned yet. Yeah, okay. That could hurt your ears.
Racist call to my ex-wife, okay? Moving to Mars and then starting a new career with the local Martians. Getting very successful remaking all my popular Earth films. Doing the same thing to my Martian ex-wife. Telling everyone I hate Jews and now I live on my own in the country.
Right. Well, that's something you're going to have to deal with, mate. Perhaps you can go back to that town and reconcile. Because it seems that maybe they're ostracizing you, mate. Maybe that's what made you a bit grumpy.
Hello, everyone. It is I, Mel Gibson, and I've bought 25 Teslas for you. And they're all, I'm sharing them with you all. Give me back my career Tesla for you. A Tesla for you. I hate the Jews and a Tesla for you. Oh my goodness. Look at all these Teslas. They're so happy. And I have a rich billionaire here who's going to live on Mars and build Teslas for everyone for free.
Give me back my career, Martian Hollywood. Give me back my career.
Mel, put that hand down, mate. Mel, put that hand down. Mel, Mel, Mel. I'm just waving. Mel, we're up here in the in the town. Mel, thanks for listening to another episode of the Cracking All podcast.
This was a This Is What You Wanted episode, everyone. So that means if you donate to us on Patreon, you get to decide what we did today. And that was voted by you. So please go check out our Patreon and donate to us and you'll be able to vote on what you want.
And many more things. Yeah. Like pictures of Elias' Willy. What?
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Mel, no, no, Mel, I was not filming that time. Yeah, of course. Oh, sorry, Mel. I was not filming. Fuck your continent, cunt.
Great work, Mel. Great work.
Well, now that we're here in the Cineplex, okay, and everything's all sorted. I've got my space popcorn. In that MDMA.
Hey, how's that going? Now, the price for a ticket. My child's name is ages 12. I do not know. Mate, now the price ticket for you. You seem like a good guy. Yep. Okay. $75. $75 for a fucking movie ticket. Yeah. Wait, see, on Mars, Steven, on Mars, the economy is different, mate. No, no. We are tied to Bitcoin. Normally about $12, but it's just you, I don't want to give it to you. What do we do? Because he's a famous director. Yeah, yeah. I'm a billionaire. How much do I have to pay, mate?
Two Teslas. I'm sorry, I do not have two Teslas. I'm up here on Mars. Mate, I see that you've bought, with you, at least 12 Teslas right behind you. No, no, no, you see that in the distance there? All those Teslas, that part of Teslas, mate? That civilization over there? Yeah.
That is a mirage, mate. That is a mirage. A Mars mirage. Coming from South Africa, it's common for me to see mirages I'm used to, mate. You can tell by the pixels that it's a mirage. They're driving, I can see the cars driving. Oh, that's a mirage, mate. They're coming closer, but that's a mirage.
I know that I've got all these Mars rovers and I'm playing all my films, but there is a deeper, darker, more sinister thing happening behind the scenes. Are you treating those Mars rovers okay? No, no, I'm sexually abusing them. Are there laws here on Mars, mate? Sorry? Are there laws here on Mars? Yeah, look, there is, like, I am going to be honest, it is just like Earth. If you go probably like two Ks down that way, you'll find a local town full of Martians that look very similar to us and they've actually ostracised me from... Why have you not interacted with them, mate?
Oh, no, I did. I came here and I was very popular. I made more lethal weapons and then... How many, mate? Another seven. Wow, that equals 14. I'm a smart man.
And it was, you know, it was a really fun time. Everything was going really well.
What were the seven other weapons that you used in those films? God, here we go again with the fucking weapons. I think I've explained clearly that I know my weapons. Yeah. You know, seven weapons, but I know 14 weapons. Seven more weapons.
Go on, name it. Rock salt and pepper shaker. That could be a weapon. Shoes thrown over a power line.
Yes. Okay. That indicates a drug dealer's house. And you made all of the passion of the Christ. Okay. And that could technically be a weapon if you'd like, fling the CD. Yes, yes. I have seen, I have seen Shaun of the Dead and they tried that. It worked okay with vinyl discs. Yeah. I do not know how a compact disc would go. Banjo that hasn't been tuned yet. Yeah. Okay. That could hurt your ears. Racist call to my ex-wife. Okay.
Moving to Mars and then starting a new career with the local Martians. Getting very successful remaking all my popular earth films. Doing the same thing to my Martian ex-wife. Telling everyone I hate Jews and now I live on my own in the country.
Okay. Right. Well, that's something you're going to have to deal with, mate. Perhaps you can go back to that town and reconcile because it seems that maybe them ostracizing you might, maybe that's what made you a bit grumpy.
Hello everyone. It is I Mel Gibson and I've bought 25 Teslas for you. And they're all, I'm sharing them with you all. Give me back my career Tesla for you. A Tesla for you. I hate the Jews and a Tesla for you. Oh my goodness. Look at all these Teslas. They're so happy. And I have a rich billionaire here. Who's going to live on Mars and build Teslas for everyone for free.
Give me back my career. Martian Hollywood. Give me back my career.
Mel, put that hand down. Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel. I'm just waving. Mel. We're we're up here in the, in the tank.
Thanks for listening to another episode of the cracking podcast. This was a, this is what you want an episode of run. So that means if you donate to us on Patreon, you get to decide what we did today. And that was voted by you. So please go check out our Patreon and donate to us and you'll be able to vote on what you want.
And many more things. Yeah. Like pictures of Elias' Willy. What? |
dropout | guy_who_s_too_cheap_to_pay_an_assassin | Consider it done. I'll give you the routing number so you can transfer the funds. It'll be encrypted so no one can trace it, so I'm good. Yeah, about that. I realize we never talked about budget. $15,000 a head. Yeah, I can't... I can't pay you that much money.
What? This is like a small personal thing. I was kind of hoping for a favored job. Did you just say a favored job? Yeah, like...
Like you want me to kill your wife for free. I'll buy you lunch. Don't waste my time. Whoa, hold on. This murder could be really good for your career, you know? I might be really successful one day and maybe I need someone else to get killed. I'll call you first. Can we at least negotiate? No.
You realize that everyone gets paid, even interns get paid in some fashion, right? Interns don't get paid. They get like a pizza party or something at the end of their year. You know, I'm sorry I'm not some wealthy hedge fund manager with all of this disposable income. I'm just an assistant payroll clerk and I'm not good at playing the office politics, so I have no money.
I will see what I can do. Really? You'll do it?
Thank you so much. I appreciate this and I owe you a favor as well. No problem. So thank you.
Just get out. I don't want to rent.
Or buy a gun. You don't own a gun? No, I don't own a gun. How do you not own a gun?
It's a liability. They can trace that.
Plus, guns are big. People don't realize how big guns are, but super cool guns, new guns are big. How much is a gun rental?
Like a hundred bucks. Shit. You don't even have a hundred dollars? I don't have a hundred dollars, man. Man.
I can kill her with a knife. That's pretty cheap. I kind of had my heart set on you shooting her. Oh, you did? That's really a shame, man, because you know what? The problem is, I can't make a gun. I thought you were a cool assassin.
Thanks for nothing. Okay, hold on. Wait a second. Hold on a second. Look, man, maybe right now is not a good time for you to do this in your life, you know? Maybe slow down.
I'm going to level with you. Ever since I was 22 years old, I've wanted to kill my wife. Everyone I talked to about it, my friends, my therapists, my priests, they all said I absolutely shouldn't do it. I think they just didn't believe in me. Think about your first assassination.
You weren't doing it for the money, were you? Yes, I did it for a lot of money. But you were also doing it for the love of it. True. I look into your eyes, and I see passion, and I want those eyes to stare down the scope of a gun that you borrow from a friend for no charge, and I want you to kill my wife, Meghan. No problem, but it's going to cost something.
Hi, I'm Dan Kaler, and I'm the creator of the plot to kill my wife, Meghan Kaler. Meghan is a third grade special ed teacher, and our relationship isn't what it used to be. We rarely communicate, she enjoys putting me down. She's just generally emotionally abusive. I hate her so much, I don't want to give her the satisfaction of a divorce. So, with your help, I've decided that I would like for Meghan to be killed.
I am very excited to announce that I have professional assassin, Joe fuck Diesel, signed on to this project. Please don't say that, please don't say my name. Please clear up my face, please.
Look, the harsh reality of the situation is that killing people costs money. Any donation you can make will go a long way in feeding my assassin lunch, and also renting a gun. And also paying for my assassin's gas.
Thank you so much for your time. Goodbye. This is going to look great on your resume. Bye-bye. |
cracked | the_inconvenient_truth_about_game_of_thrones | Game of Thrones, one of the most epic high fantasy book and television series of our time. There's giants and swords and Kit Harington and dragons and Kit Harington. Most high fantasy stories have a deeper meaning behind the magic, whether it's an interpretation of the Bible or another interpretation of the Bible. Why is that so popular? We're teaching that together, you can accomplish anything unless you're Slytherin, then get the f*** out. But that leaves me wondering, what is the point of the Ballad of Ice and Fire? And it's not just a show off the beautiful face of Kit Harington, I think. Let's face it, all of us are going to feel a little jipped if there isn't a deeper meaning behind the 10 plus years of waiting for the next book.
Do you hear me, R.R. Martin? Do you hear our cries?
But don't worry guys, I did some heavy digging and I think I found exactly what we're looking for. Game of Thrones is a metaphor for global warming. You've probably seen this theory floating around the internet in Vox videos or in academic essays. I'll go over their points, but then I'm going to take it even further.
First, we have the White Walkers, which, if nothing else, give us one of the creepiest cold openings to a show maybe ever. I'm almost positive that scene is the only reason the show was picked up, because the rest of the episode was just Ned Stark talking and family in love. The White Walkers in this series represent climate change. The characters are literal climate change as they bring cold from the northern lands, but symbolically they're also climate change as they are a giant looming threat that stands to wipe out all of humanity if left unchecked. Which makes the aristocracy of Westeros the politicians who are too wrapped up in the Game of Thrones to acknowledge the oncoming zombie skeleton apocalypse. Some of them even deny the existence of White Walkers altogether.
The only group of people on high alert are our ragged, downtrodden, strong, beautiful Kit Haringtons, the Night's Watch. Which makes them our modern scientists. They know the danger that's coming and they're doing all they can to stop it. But they have little to no resources, people laugh at their cries of doom and gloom, and they all wear really ugly black clothing. Except, I mean, some pull off.
This has been pretty well covered by your average Game of Thrones enthusiast, but I'm going to take it a little further thanks to R.R. Martin himself. Because when asked about the Game of Thrones being a metaphor for global warming, he said, and I quote, This is something that can wipe out possibly the entire human race. So I wanted to do an analog, not specifically to the modern day thing, but as a general thing within the structure of a book. Boom! You've been R.R. Martin'd! With the king's permission, I'm going to take it even further.
So the Song of Ice and Fire is about global warming. We've covered the ice, our skeleton babies, and the Night's Watch science suburb club. But what about the fire? After all, this is called global warming. Not global winter is coming.
Like the throne! Or like Earth correcting its atmosphere after we've pumped it with CO2 and hairspray. A lot of hairspray. But I mean, that would be great. Now, we're about to get into some spoiler and speculation, so if you aren't caught up with Game of Thrones, then you're not a true cracked fan, are you? You're in that posture!
Get out! Shame!
Did they leave? Okay, great. I'm scaring them off.
Now, Daenerys is a dragon rider, and she has two more dragons with bare backs at her side. Many speculate that those are for her rightful Targaryen fellow rulers. One Targaryen is Kit Harington. I mean, Jon Snow. The others speculate to be Tyrion. In the books, he is described as having the trademark Targaryen hair and eyes. If this is the case, then these three unlikely heroes are going to team up and save us from the oncoming White Walkers. And what this really means is that the scientists, represented by Jon Snow, and the politicians, represented by Tyrion, are helping Mother Nature, Daenerys, restore balance to the world!
Boom! So there you have it. If you examine this theory under a microscope, does it shatter into a thousand ice skeleton pieces? I mean, probably.
Lots of characters don't have a clear explanation within this metaphor. Like, I don't know, what are the Broglie people?
Summit meetings? Solar panels? Yeah, sure, why not?
At the end of the day, Game of Thrones was meant to entertain, but that is not good enough for me. With the added layer of meaning, it falls in line with its high fantasy counterparts. We won't know if we've predicted the ending of the series until the final eight episodes, but in the meantime, here's a dispatch cut of Kit Harington looking into your eyes.
Oh, God. He's beautiful. Hey guys, it's Maggie. Thanks so much for watching.
Make sure you like and subscribe, and comment below. Do you agree? Disagree?
Who are the Broglie people?
I don't know. Please let me figure it out.
I've been on this all day. All of us have. Anyways, have a great one, guys. |
cracked | swaim_rap | Got it. Yeah! Ooh!
A shadow swept across the face of the earth. Everywhere people wept in the same whispers were heard.
Is it a bird, a plane, or worse? Obscuring the sun like Simone's curse? That's just MS Word. Driving Lady's berserk.
Proceeded as it were by a penis of absurd girth. I got two planets attached to the aft of my mast. So massively vast they'd be pulling the tides back. Why last? I lived in life with my chef. Steering the bastards like piloting aircraft. It's so long it pulls two lands out of mine shafts. If I want to blow job, gotta ask a giraffe. It's like I'm riding a moonworm from Dune. But if this worm ever turns, we'd be doomed. We'd be subsumed by the steam of dirt on Earth sending zoom When this voluminous baby goes boom. You might presume I make a pretty shitty bridegroom. No womb with room for the stick of my broom. Shrimp the skyscraper to the size of my dick.
Still need an express elevator to get to the tip. And I'll say, see ya later if you're planning to trip. It's my only bit of advice. Might want a pack of sandwich.
That's a long walk. Down a long cock.
Everybody hears fucked if I get an erection. So for your own protection, please stand up. He's about to take a breath and cause a flash flood. That's what he does with his giant dick. Oh, Jesus. Whoa, they pay us for this shit. My name is Ego.
I came to say, I'm the biggest man in the play. At the play I say, it's a play. It's a play.
I go every single day, yeah. I go to town.
I like clowns. And I'm nine years old and I watch more clowns.
Everybody look at me. Not here I am. Look at me. There it is. I am. Yeah. Everybody look at me.
And rap to death. Rap to death.
The fuck you got? You couldn't be in here. The fuck? Fuck. |
cracked | what_you_d_actually_do_with_a_real_mech_suit | You know who's got a really good uh, you know, I think I have a comprehensive list around here some wheels The modern Beatles because they're half dead Beatles Beatles insects. Oh All right, I'll bite Why are beetles the exoskeleton? Obviously, it's like being born a giant mech suit. You know this think you jump higher run faster You're editing that article about military exoskeletons. It just seems really unfair that I can't buy one What would you honestly do with a military grade exoskeletons save the day a bunch for everyone?
Quit this horrible job and just save a day is full time You fight crime fight crime and fight fires save cats from trees trees. Yeah Dangerous ones that hate cats put me near the danger and I will handle that business all day then well weekends I'll be for me. Obviously Christmas if I'm sick She's sleepy. Yeah, or just feeling like yeah, what is the rainy, you know? Those are my days off My birthday.
No, I mean once you're out as the guy with the cool mech suit It's clear you're doing good doing well doing good The government is going to want you to use your power to help them And not just the government but all people people I seen your buddies are gonna call you up Hey, you're moving Can you bro over that mech suit you can only move like four couches in a minute with that mech suit You hate having a truck for this very reason you have a truck. Could you help me pass? You're right. It's terrible What if you didn't use the mech suit for anything altruistic? Like if I had a mech suit, I would just be like Iron Man So without all the fighting crime and saving people when was Iron Man not doing those things There's a scene in the second Iron Man when he's just drinking a bunch and partying real hard. I'd be like that He's fighting with his buddy. It looks like fun. I let everyone know you can looky, but no touching that is crazy selfish Exactly. You let everyone know that you're gonna be behaving exclusively selfishly with your suit And no one will ever bug you again Like Cody and his truck now that I know he's a massive wad about I won't ever ask him for help again The system works wrong if you're clearly using the suit for good then the government is gonna ask for your help, but if you're clearly using it for evil or Selfish reasons and then you're a target forget about the government calling you for favors They're going to call for your destruction guy with a super powerful metal suit Too dangerous to live way too rad. I would surf in it. I would click a tar solos man Go really hate me. They really would Hey You naysayer Do you have anything to say that isn't nay? What I think he wants to know what you would do with a mech suit the only logical thing Nothing, no thing. I would I would just leave it in my apartment. I wouldn't fight crime with it I wouldn't show off in front of my friends just Sometimes get naked and walk around just feeling the best with great power comes great responsibility and that blows so I would just Like open beer bottles with it or if some jerk comes by trying to sell me some Jerk stuff and kick them right out of there kick That is the logical choice Yeah, I guess no one can either fear or need your help if they don't even know that you have the suit in the first He used to be selfish, but not like showy about it.
It's the perfect crime We should do crimes with you. Just commit crimes. Why is the answer? No one said do crimes We just do well, you don't need a metal exoskeleton to commit crime.
That's a great point. Thank you But you don't stretch again |
dropout | this_cowboy_makes_your_comments_into_country_songs_live | Howdy there, I'm Reno, Nevada this Hey, yo, I'm yee-haw Anyway, welcome to this cowboy makes your comments into country songs brought to you by YouTube mobile live This is all being shot on a cellular phone Just like you probably own unless for some reason you are too young to own a phone or have been in some sort of time Freeze since the mid 1990s. Anyway, if you want to send us a comment, we'll pop it up here on the screen turn into a country song and classic country song that's been sung for many many years We have an old tradition of making songs just not anything birds rocks ladies Poor folk rich folk dust tumbleweeds dusty tumbleweeds dusty poor folk dusty rich folk hats Let's see what we got so far. Ooh Word I can't pronounce LLP hamsters are the new black worst room Yeah, that's what I can say username that I cannot pronounce. Sorry.
I'm just a country boy Hamsters There are a lot of fancy pets to have If you really wanna See rich folks buying a bakaka to a giraffe or even an iguana But if you want the pet that is in the now the one that you simply must have Well, it's got to be a hamster cuz don't you know the hamsters are the new black. That's right hamsters are the new I said hamsters are the new black It beats a lion a tiger even a hyena or your old-fashioned giraffe. I tell you Inside my house with my sister and my brother Different kinds of paint Trying to pick a color and I said we could paint this a lot of ways But we'll want to take them all back We should paint this the color of a hamster and by hamster. We should paint it black because Orange or tangerine that'll give me a heart attack You gotta paint it hamsters because they are the new black Hamsters are the new Black the new black Classic country song everyone knows it you can sing in a bar in a field mostly only bars and fields of the places acceptable to sing That song.
Let's see if we can get another one up here. Thank you for that For that comment.
Let's see Alana O'Connell Wilcox gives us the song pizzas, babe You've got a special bag, that's great Sometimes Sitting down by the side of the road with the feeling I want to share. Uh, I'm not looking for the touch of a human hand I want the flavor of marinara And it feels so good Feels so good, please Just settle on down in bed with a bunch of melted cheese pizzas, babe pizzas, babe each and every day pizzas, babe Some people want a thing Easy to say. Well if you're looking for a delicious boyfriend, I tell you pizza is Lying around in my bedroom late at night So many thoughts in my head giving me a fright I'm thinking about the girl next door how I really want to meet her But I don't really want to meet her. What I really want is a pizza because pizzas, babe pizzas, babe each and every day pizzas, babe My mom's telling me to get married. I don't listen to what she's saying because I only want one thing for my life and that's pizza Pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe Pizza is Thanks, Alana. That was pizzas, babe We all know that if you're looking for the retcon relationship with food, a hamburger will leave you and french fries are always cheating around on you, but Pizza, babe All right.
Now we got one from john barfield. The president is a little boy Well, you're not wrong. John barfield Not many people know that but Each and every one of us is a little boy Even a little girl's little boy Presidents Except for the When you're thinking about all the political strife in this world Just remember one thing A white house is a big house when you're just a little boy and tanks and drones are nothing more than little toys and the nsa Is just a cup and a string For a little boy to hold up to his ear and listen to little things because the president is just a little boy Yes, the president is just a little boy And all of the branches of government are just little executive toys because the president is just a little boy He's just a little boy President Has to mean with the u.m It's just a bunch of little boys and girls trying to be little friends And when he talks to syria They're just having a little fight because That little syrian president just can't figure out what's right the syrian president Is just a little boy Being very mean to all the people there so much more than a night Me of the president Is just a little boy Every four years we have an election A Like a bunch of people on the dodgeball wall trying to make a little selection Which one do we want? To lead us all And we choose it by voting which is the electoral equivalent of throwing a ball Because the president Is just a little boy He's just a little boy President is just a little boy And the army the navy and the national guard are nothing more than little toys For the president is just a little boy He's just a little boy Just a little boy Or girl because girls can be presidents, too I mean they haven't been yet in this country, but Guided which seems like we're getting close seems like it's just a matter of time.
Yee-haw. Yee-haw Yee-haw is the man of few words two words specifically those words are yee and ha thank you for that song title The president is just a little boy We're here on youtube mobile. It's all being filmed on a cell phone. Let's see what we got here hunter.
Murdock gives us I like to eat cinnamon buns late at night by the fireside Well, I think you should never one of us there's a lot of hunter murdock and that we like to eat cinnamon buns Late by the fireside Not the fireside tree We'll eat hot dogs. Some people leave marshmallows Well, i'll tell you one thing. I do not need any of those late at night I want to sit down by the fireside Cinnamon bun in the middle of the day Food's all right But it's gonna have a cinnamon bun Late night by the fireside Cinnamon bun Some food like soup Before cinnamon bun here is the scoop If you want it at the right temperature the temperature you desire And if they're being late at night by a cinnamon bun right next to a fire cinnamon bun cinnamon You want a late night fun Sit yourself down by the fireside late at night with You tell me the only kind of food acceptable to eat by those places I think I got it fireside And Late night Campfire Campfire Midday cinnamon Midnight cinnamon 70 o'clock cinnamon Mid morning cinnamon Breakfast time cinnamon bun lunchtime cinnamon Cinnamon During that song that while it is good to eat cinnamon buns late night by the fireside there is in fact No time of day or a place where a cinnamon bun is not an appropriate thing to eat.
Isn't that right yeehaw? I got a little yeehaw excited. No, it's good. Yeehaw. That's that's the way it should be Oh your neck or chip going here not everyone knows what these are for so i'll let you in a little cowboy secret No one knows what these are for All right From ron ink ron made himself incorporated.
So we we congratulate ron and his newly incorporated ron ink says kurmit Is actually a toad? He would some people say kurmit the frog No, no Well, you're gonna adjust real quick Yeah, yeah, i'm too in the yeehaw right here We're here in the dusty desert His favorite muppet Crane and he saw me on a lily pond and he's technically a puppet about it It doesn't really matter what you heard down that long and winding road Because kurmit would have you believe he's a frog but he's actually a toad the kurmit is a toad The kurmit is a toad So I need you to forget everything, you know Because the kurmit is a toad Kurmit is a toad Kurmit the frog because the kurmit is a toad That's one thing I was playing a game of golf And I looked right over I saw a pinto play him up by the name of roll And I said ralph you look different here than as a matter of fact Everyone was telling me ralph is a dog, but it appears that ralph is a cat. The ralph is a cat The ralph is a cat They told us that he was a dog, but imagine that Never seen a cat digging holes in the ground sniffing and listening that Told you that ralph was a dog, but no no no no ralph is a cat kurmit is a toad Kurmit's still a toad And ralph's still a cat ralph's still a cat.
Oh, but that's not all It was set feeling pretty biggie Who did a spot by the champagne found was a little miss piggy And then he dropped right down and offered me a glass of milk I said how? Did you make that glass of milk? She said yes, because i'm actually a cow.
Miss piggy is a cow And people are screaming when what wearing hats Flying to you all your life, and I don't know why herman is a toad ralph is a cat and miss piggy is a Kermit is actually a toad. I think we got to the bottom of a lot of muppet conspiracies in that song Yeah, you pull a thread. You never know where that thread's gonna lead All right Bob joe Bob yo, I know bob joe. I hope this is the bob joe.
I know parallel parking 101 now Parallel parking for a car is somewhat different than parallel parking for a horse Uh, i'm assuming you're talking about parallel parking for a car Parallel parking for a horse You just kind of grab the horse and you shake it to the side and then you get off and if it's not quite right You just push on it and it takes a couple steps over where it kicks you and then you die because horses are incredibly strong creatures parallel parking 101 you're in there yeehaw. Yep. All right Now traffic safety is very important Parallel parking is one of the more difficult parts of it, but this little song will help you figure out how to do it If you want a parallel parking you want to have some fun We got to start with the very basics parallel parking 101 And I gotta tell you all out there that you won't get very far And let's just start at the very beginning step one get into your car get into your car Now That was step one now for step two you gotta turn the car on you gotta turn the car on You gotta turn the car on Step one get into your car Step two turn the car on now People like that's all basic. That's so easy to see Let's get to the real stuff Which brings us to step three now when you're parallel parking and you don't want to hurt yourself You got into your car you turn the car on you gotta put on your seat belt put on your seat belt Put on your seat belt Get into your car turn the car on and then put on your seat belt Now for the fourth part The fourth part isn't that hard You got your seat belt on you're in the car and it's on step four parallel park your parallel park Just parallel park I'm getting the car turning on and put your seat belt on step four your parallel park Parallel park It's easy to do one through two three and four your parallel park parallel park That's it folks parallel parking Easy to do We got time for one more comment right here. And by the way, I'll use that parallel parking knowledge to really impress your guests Whether they're in your car, they're a driving instructor There will be there. They'll be like, oh you need to put your seat belt on you'll be like, yes I'm an expert because I listened to Reno, Nevada and yeehaw and they taught me. Oh, I'd do this parallel park Thinking is believing believing is doing that's all you need to know All right.
Last one emmet will the stuck in bed blues The stuck in bed blues. That's a wonderful song, isn't it willis and uh Well, it wouldn't be uh, it wouldn't be a cowboy Sing along on youtube mobile if we didn't end with the stuck in bed blues We've all found this Wake up in the morning and I can't get out of bed Is this my luck Well, I can't get out of bed Because i'm physically stuck I got the stuck in bed blues I'm too big for this bed. I got the stuck in bed blues I got in a child's bed instead And I don't know what has happened. I don't know what I did I got the stuck in bed blues because i'm an adult Went to sleep in a crib Crib for a baby went to sleep in a crib Wake up Feeling strange I look around me and I don't remember my name or my age and I think What has happened? What has happened? To me Then I'll look at the straps on my wrist. I've been committed to a mental facility I got the stuck in bed blues I am tied to this bed. I got the stuck in bed blues psychiatric drugs in my head I must have some sort of mental They got the stuck in bed blues. I'll wake up in the morning Woken by the sun I look around and everything's right ready for a day full of fun And I struggle to move my hands or my feet the left or the right It seems i'm stuck in this bed. I tuck myself in far too tight I got the stuck in bed blues These sheets are too tight They're stuck in bed blues Oh mama, you didn't do me right You read me a story and tuck me in but I don't know what to do These sheets are far too tight And now I got the stuck in bed I can bet when you don't know what you got the stuck in bed blues Stuck in bed blues This has been this cowboy mixture of comments in the country songs.
I'm Reno, Nevada And i'm yeehaw. You've been watching youtube mobile stream on a cell phone in all reality My name is Zach Reno. You want to follow me on twitter? That's at zach Reno. Z-A-C-H-R-E-I-N-O Thank you so much for watching. This has been lots of fun Uh, yeah, thank you very much. I'm sam genitus Uh, follow me on twitter as well at sam genitus and instagram at sam genitus i'm gonna spell my name one more time Because it's complicated. That's at z-a-c-h-r-e-i-n-o I expect to get at least three twitter followers from this.
Can't wait to see who they are first three I'm gonna write you a poem and then the next five after that i'm gonna say thank you in my head But probably won't do anything because I have a short attention span Thanks so much. Everyone. Have a happy new year and a great day |
cracked | the_super_bowl_cracked_com_s_take_news_for_2_4_08 | It's Monday, February 4th, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I am totally fucking Matt Damon. Congratulations to the New England Patriots. I understand that Eli Manning's dick is especially delicious. Sunday night, the Patriots definitively proved that cheaters never win 19 consecutive times. After the game, Tom Brady explained the Patriots' epic collapse by telling the News on Cracked, quote, I just watched for the commercials. Head coach of the New England Patriots, Bill Belichick, left the field before the Super Bowl had officially ended, as did both the Patriots' offense and defense. In other news, that's not simply Patriots bashing, although, honestly, I don't see why.
As we reported Friday, Microsoft has offered to buy Yahoo for $44 billion trillion. Experts believe this may be almost as much as the national debt if you multiply it by infinity, plus two, no backsies. Google was reportedly very suspicious of the deal, citing the possible existence of something on the Internet that Google itself didn't know as being bad for America.
The Spice Girls, speaking of bad for America, are quitting their tour early, blaming family and personal commitments. The group announced that they would end their reunion tour in Toronto on February 26th, axing dates in Beijing, Sydney, Cape Town, and Buenos Aires. Upon hearing the news, residents of those cities spilled onto the streets in celebration, breaking into impromptu singing and dancing, as seen here. In Cape Town, former President Nelson Mandela danced a celebratory jig with his former prison guards. And in Beijing, President Hu Yunato emerged grinning from the presidential palace and announced to the cheering throngs that because of this, he was stepping down and democracy would now reign throughout China. Residents of Toronto, on the other hand, have our deepest, deepest sympathies. That's it for today's edition of the News On Crack. Check back Wednesday when everybody's a winner, except the Patriots. Seth David Lex. |
TheOnion | NFL_Players_Mentor_Troubled_Detroit_Lions | Earlier today, the Detroit Lions were paid a special visit by some NFL players as part of the league's mentoring program. Our own Reggie Greengrass was there to witness the heartwarming scene. Reggie, I bet the Lions had the time of their lives. They certainly did, Mark. The look on the Lions' faces when their favorite players showed up, their eyes were as big as soft.
Well, you can hardly blame them. It's not every day they get to hang out with actual NFL athletes.
These Lions have been through so much, not winning a game last year, bad draft decisions, Matt Miller. It's really sad, Mark. They should have to endure what the Lions have had to go through. Most people just write the Lions off as lost causes.
That's exactly right.
And people don't understand how much it means to a Detroit Lion when some real professional football players take the time to teach you how to make a tackle.
Oh, wow.
They'll remember that for the rest of their lives.
Oh, yeah. The Giants and Maude Bradshaw was there, too, right? Yes.
At one point, Bradshaw had the ball, and it was kind of like play running towards the end zone. And one by one, the Lions were jumping all over him to tackle him, but they couldn't bring him down. He scores the touchdown, and they all fall into a big heap laughing.
It was so adorable.
Yeah. Well, and that's a great lesson for the Lions, too. Do your best and have fun. That's what's important, right? Yeah. They had fun all right.
At one point, this young Detroit Lion, Jerome Felton, he marches right up to Kyle Bowler and asks him for an autograph. Now, they're not shy, those Lions. I imagine the experience really brought the Lion team closer together as well.
Oh, yeah. Definitely.
I mean, early in the day, some of the Lions had been teasing Kevin Smith because he kept dropping the ball and tripping on his shoelaces. But Terrence Holt told the Lions that friends and teammates always help each other when things are tough.
And that's a good lesson for them to learn.
Yeah, and by the end of the day, Kevin was catching some passes and even running them into the end zone. There you go. Even before, even started calling him Touchdown Kevin.
That's really nice, especially coming from Holt.
He used to be a Lion himself. That's right. He told the Lions that with hard work, dedication, a little bit of luck, someday they could get out of Detroit, too.
Wow. I'm getting a little misty here.
Thanks for the story, Reg. You got it.
Coming up next, the Baseball Hall of Fame is inducted into the Hall of Halls of Fame. |
dropout | collegehumor_goes_hollywood | Okay, my turn. I really thought I was gonna win. Oh, Sam's calling me.
Hey, Hollywood. How are your big LA meetings?
Eh, they're not until later. I just woke up. What? It's noon, you lazy twat. Actually, it's 9 a.m. here. I'm on Pacific time. Oh, bullshit. Oceans don't control time. Seriously, it's a different time zone here.
I'm about to eat breakfast. Don't you dare lie to me about breakfast, you hobbit-legged blowjob. I'm gonna come to LA, kick your ass, then grab a late lunch. Whoa, it is morning here. McDonald's is still serving breakfast. Oh, homeboy's getting his McGriddle on.
Yeah, one sec, Murph. I gotta go validate my parking. What? Horse shit.
No one drives a car in the city. No, you need one here. Everyone drives.
Fuel efficiency makes a lot of sense in the long run. Yeah, hang on a second.
I gotta roll up my sleeves. It's pretty warm here. Uh, it's November, you cross-eyed Slovakian. That means it's cold and miserable. No, no, it's like nice here all year round. You false telling tramp stamp. I'm gonna zip up my parka, then spray your rat fuck brains all over the cold slushy LA ground.
Yeah, boy! Yeah!
Beautiful. Let's celebrate with Mexican food.
Ooh, gross, you fucking cuss word. Why would you eat that crap when you could be eating delicious pizza? Actually, the pizza here is really bad, but the tacos are great. You ass-huffing friend of a dick.
I have never in my life heard such bullshit. Yeah, I don't know. Any of you gringos donde morguac?
Wow, everything about LA sounds incredible. No, that's actually it. We covered all the cool stuff.
You scheming sack of peacoats. You're just lying so you won't have to hang out with me.
No, no, no, dude. There's pollution, earthquakes, forest fires.
Actors live here. I don't believe you for a second, you absolute vodka! I'm coming to LA whether you want me to or not! You're right! It's different but not better here. Oh, shit. Did we move offices again by accident? Looks like college hammers. Go in Hollywood. Yeah! Hey, I was in the bathroom. Where is everybody? Did you guys go to LA? |
SaturdayNightLive | show_and_tell_saturday_night_live | Hotel accommodations for most guests of Saturday Night Live, furnished by Paramount.
You show me, and I'll show you. Dr. Elders will show us too, cause you're never too young, and you're never too small to know the difference between a penis and a ball. Yeah! Show and tell with Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders. Come to Show and Tell. You know, learning safe sex is as easy as I may say.
Did somebody say, I may say? it's for abstinence. which I have to be honest with you, is a ragan. children are going to have as easy as they are. it's for bastard. that's a technical word. Now, do we have any bastards here today? Come on, Tony. you're a bastard. raise your hand. there's no shame in that.
Good, Tony. you know, Jesse Jackson is a bastard. as are all of Goldie Holland's children. Can you say Jesse Jackson and Goldie Holland? Jesse Jackson and Goldie Holland!
Good. we're trying to do. it's to make fewer bastards. which brings us to safe. Now what is safe for our children? condoms! That's right. very good. we learned that every week can't hit the condoms too hard. condoms. Cause then girls, I think A through C is good for today. tomorrow, we'll study D through G. that's dental dam through gonorrhea.
Oh, goody, goody, goody. it's time for our special guest. and he's come all the way from the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta. Boys and girls, let's give a warm show and tell. Welcome to Dr. Ian Matcheson. welcome, Dr. Matcheson. Thank you, General Elders. it's a great pleasure to be here.
We at the Center for Disease Control agree that kids are never too young to hear frank and open discussion of sexuality and health issues. and that's why we are terribly excited about our new program, which is called Project Just Say No To Anal Intercourse. it's future. Well, this is what we at Project Just Say no to anal intercourse call the Visible Rectum. This, it's a learning tool and we have developed it, especially for children aged 6 to 8. And how does it work? how does it work? Basically, we think it's absolutely vital for children to know that during anal intercourse, the tearing and ripping of the anal membrane can expose the receptor's bloodstream to a large dose of Hiv-laden ejection. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sorry. no, Doctor, I think you're frightened of the children. Good. good. that's just what we are trying to do at Project. Just say No to anal intercourse. You see, we want to discourage anal intercourse among children and by alerting them to the dangers. no, no, no, Doctor, I think maybe the Visible rectum is a bad idea.
Oh. I have drawings. and no, no, no, I'm afraid that we've run out of time. Kids, let's thank Dr. Mentionson. Yeah! all the time we have for today. But before we go, I should announce that this was our last show for Nickelodeon. evidently, we've been getting a lot of negative mail from some very narrow-minded people. But that's okay. we're moving to P.a.b.a.s. On weekdays following, Daddy's got a boyfriend. And remember, boys and girls, if you're going to have anal oral contact, Ayaan, you're not sure of your partner's history. Use a digital dial! |
dropout | doctor_web_md | Hi, I'm Dr. WebMD. Can I have your name, please? Jake. And your email and zip code. They're optional. Great! So what brings you in here today? Well, you're free. Too embarrassed to see a real doctor? You got me.
What is it, Doc? You have cancer. How could you possibly know that? Oh, I tell everyone they have cancer. Why? What seems to be the problem, besides the cancer?
I've been going to the gym more lately, and the upper part of my shin really hurts. Hmm. I don't know anything about that. Oh, okay. Um, what if I just say my shin hurts? See? Told you.
Cancer. I really don't think I have cancer. Well, nobody ever thinks they have cancer.
The symptoms can take many different forms, such as throbbing in head, runny nose, mild cough, stress, or one of 14 other things. Do you eat vegetables? Yes, 13 other things. But I have to tell you, eight of them are STDs.
What should I do? Xanaplex? Jesus! No!
Tell you what. I'm going to write your prescription for 10 tips on how to have a healthy summer. Don't forget to bring a beach ball. See my nurse on the way out, and she can recommend some great beach ball clinics on the west side. How does that help my shin? For a more complete examination, please see a doctor. What are you?
I really think that you should use some Xanaplex. You just take a small dab, rub it on your belly. Enough with the Xanaplex!
Sorry about that. They're one of my sponsors. You know what? I'm leaving.
And who are you going to see? You don't have health insurance?
I guess it starts acting up mostly when I'm going up the stairs. It's definitely AIDS. |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_shrimp_tower_snl | And. action. Shrimp, Shrimp, Shrimp, Shrimp, Shrimp. as I like to call them, the Sinking Man's mozzarella Sticks. This piece was originally written by Pdd, Sarah, and Dambola. it started as you and Josh Walting, he throws you through a window. And then Sarah had this idea for shrimp Tower. I came up with the shrimp tower part. And then Mark ordered a bunch of shrimp shows. And we know Martin, so we got involved. we got involved through Martin. this was supposed to be a live sketch originally, and then they asked if we could turn it into a video. when it got turned into a pre-tape, we really got the opportunity to amp up the scale of it and turn it into a sort of Barry Lyndon-esque mini movie. Ready? and. whoa! No real shrimp were armed in the making of this feature film. No real shrimp. unlike Wing Pit, we had real wings, and it smelled so awful.
I walked in the studio, I had to walk out, and I was like, what? back cameras, little ass. I know you guys didn't get footage of me and Josh Brolin high-fiving after the scene, but it's because we're such good friends that we don't need proof. Brolin is so game for anything and just so naturally funny that he really made this piece. and. Crash! that was great. Cut! that's a wrap! Goodnight. |
dropout | don_t_look_at_the_comments | God damn it, my M key is broken again. Hey, can I help you?
Ugh, this girl. She doesn't open her lips when she speaks.
It's weird. Have you tried on your computer on and off? Oh, God. I know, right? It's a... Wait, what? Where are you?
No, look at the comments section. The comments are already rubbish. There's five separate threads debating what constitutes rape, and someone with an anime avatar just said the N word. Yeah, that's why you don't read the comments.
How can you not, though? Look at this. What is that? Is that a good thing? Look, it's just going to reduce your enjoyment of the video, okay?
Guys. Guys!
Alright, where were we? Um... Excuse me, Elizabeth, huh? What can I do to her? Yeah, I was hoping that you and Sethany... Ah, Sethany, hi. Yeah? I was hoping that you and Sethany could have... You're reading the comments again. Huh? What? Sorry, okay.
If I went to the Mona Lisa and someone was taking little shits underneath, I would look. Are you comparing the sketch to the Mona Lisa?
Yes. Me too. It's just sad. I wanted to write things to make people smile, but everyone's just fighting. Oh, that guy just said, I am Mickey Mouse, and everyone is agreeing with him? Okay, Zach.
Are you forgetting something? I'm Timothy. My heart's not at it anymore.
Just stop reading the comments. It's a cabaret of crazies all vying for your attention. It's not worth it!
You know what, you're right. We shouldn't be letting it affect us if 452 people think that gay people shouldn't be allowed to vote. What? Oh, my God. I can do this. Elizabeth! I'm so sorry. I'm having some troubles understanding all of the words that you're saying because somebody just pointed out that there's a boom and frame. No, no, no, no, no. Don't look down there! Wait, is that true?
Can jet fuel not melt steel beams?
There are so many people talking about Shrek. The top comment is a picture of a leaky sink that says drip drop, and it has 452 thumbs-ups.
Thumb... Thumb-ups. Thumbs. Thumbs-ups.
It doesn't matter. Do I really look like goth? Oh, yeah, kinda, huh? Isn't that weird?
Wait, no. Why are we talking about this? This has nothing to do with our video. Great news, guys. I am getting gender reassignment surgery. No, Pat, you're just gonna go fucking with it now. We're not BuzzFeed!
Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more videos.
Or don't click at all. I don't give a fuck. I do. I give many fucks. Please click. |
TheOnion | Year_In_Review_2012 | In November, the hard-fought 2012 presidential campaign ended as a holy and utterly defeated man emerged victorious. The shell of a man who won 332 electoral votes but completely lost faith in himself and the American people carried the crucial swing states of Ohio and Virginia while forfeiting the remaining shred of enthusiasm that once drove him. The defeated man will begin his second term on January 20th, 2013, when he will be triumphantly sworn in as president of a defeated nation. Responding to the inflammatory remarks regarding rape made by Republican politicians Todd Aiken and Richard Murdoch, God distanced himself from the entire right-wing fundamentalist Christian movement this October. Saying that he did not believe pregnancies result from his divine will, the almighty father went on to dismiss capital punishment, gun rights, the anti-abortion movement, and the efforts of the Westboro Baptist Church, while adding that he and Christian conservatives quote, no longer saw eye to eye on the majority of issues.
Pushed to the breaking point after constantly being taken to task without ever hearing a word of thanks for what it does around here, an overwhelmed and infuriated nation announced in February that it was trying, okay, Jesus Christ. A poll of the American populace revealed that 33% felt they were doing pretty damn well, thank you, while another 28% just wanted two freaking minutes without somebody breathing down their neck. We're trying as hard as we can here. How about cutting us a little slack for a change, huh?
You know what? This is, this is just bullshit. I don't know. I do not need this shit.
Fucking Christ almighty, sources added. In March, leaders from the alien world of Zarklon 12 announced that they would rescue innocent Syrian citizens since this world refuses to end the rampant bloodshed taking over the country. Supreme Emperor and dynastic overlord Thule told reporters that he could no longer sit idly by while humans continued turning a blind eye to the mounting casualties in the year-long uprising against President Bashar al-Assad. In July, Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, Daniel Day-Lewis, and a myriad of other public figures unexpectedly came out as gay. The announcement, which was followed by additional confessions from Woody Allen, Mark Zuckerberg, the Coen brothers, and Jackie Chan, was commended by President Barack Obama, who announced his support of Rob Reiner, Carl Reiner, Conan O'Brien, Prince Harry of Wales, 50 Cent, Utah Governor Gary Herbert, and Jack White, while also adding that he, his wife Michelle, and their two daughters are all gay. In science news, a coalition of researchers came together in January to announce that one third of the world's population will have to die for the civilization to be sustainable, asking, quote, so how do we want to do this? And in July, physicists discovered that the entirety of our known universe is actually the fictional setting of a cop show called Hard Case. In 2012 sports news, the death of Penn State coach Joe Paterno prompted doctors to wait until the following day to tell their superiors, and the Summer Olympics ended in tragedy when Michael Phelps drowned. In other news, a Huffington Post employee was sucked into an aggregation turbine, the nation was horrified to learn about the war in Afghanistan while reading up on the Petraeus affair, and no one was murdered following the release of this image. But now you no doubt want to utter aloud, wow, what an incredible year, and frankly we'd all rather you just shut the fuck up. For more, visit theonion.com. |
SaturdayNightLive | teeny_tiny_statement_pin_snl | It's fashion season with red carpets going viral and the Met Gala right around the corner. Everyone is serving looks and this year the fashion statement isn't just the clothes. All my favorite artists are wearing pins that support causes.
I want people to know that I care too, but I'm nervous about what to say. With so many complicated issues out there, it's hard to know when to join the conversation and how it's wrong to stay silent, but it's also wrong to say too much. I just wish there was a way to split the difference introducing Teeny Tiny Statement Pin the new red carpet accessory that's so small. it's barely visible this way. Not everyone has to be bombarded with my opinions, but if they want them, they can just zoom in Way way way way in. With Teeny Tiny Statement Pin I can say whatever I want and no one has to know. That's right. Your pin can make a statement about whatever is most important to you like love is love, Protect democracy, Free Ellen, Pay teachers more, we have the meat. Or for vegans we know have no means with Teeny Tiny Statement Pin. you can be a teeny tiny part of the conversation. Thank you. I feel very confident in my opinion, but unfortunately it is a bad one and I don't want people to know that it's the perfect statement piece to style with any outfit because it's invisible. I'm even wearing one right now, but sometimes a phrase isn't nuanced enough. that's why Teeny Tiny Statement Pin has space for up to 10,000 words.
Wow, I never thought of it that way. And if you don't know what to say, but you want something that sounds like it could be important, then you'll love our new vague collection. Like a random flag that belongs to no country, a cat and baby together that just says no, Hello Pretzel, It has to stop. And it has to start. |
dropout | zac_bought_a_whip | So remember, Igneous Rock forms when magma...
Cool. Okay, do you get it? Oh. That's it for my rock talk, guys. Let me just turn the TV off. Oh, wait. Allow me. Whoa. Look at that. Zach, is that a new whip? Yeah, and this is the real deal, guys. Gotta ship overnight from Dallas, and I gotta tell you, guys, life's gonna be easier with a whip. Yeah! Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, Zach. Whoa. Sorry. This guy's got a little more juice than I realize. Uh, I'll just turn the TV off myself. Wait, wait, wait. Let me get it. Yeah! Oh, wow.
God, put that away, you psycho. How do you turn the volume down on this guy? Can you just put it away?
You're really stressing me out. Oh, you got a headache? Yeah! No. No, I said you're stressing me out. You need a drink. Yeah! No. You are stressing me out. Oh, do you want a little weed? Yeah!
Ah! God damn it. Just put it away.
Really, Grant? Grant's choking on another peanut butter sandwich.
I got it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Ow. Oh, it worked. God, just use the heimlich, you idiot. Gross.
No more.
Well, I guess I'll do my science project now. Very, very, very, Rekha. Looks like I followed you straight to your precious rocks. Please.
These belong in a museum.
Really? Let's see. No.
My ninth favorite rock. Oh, is that your ninth favorite?
I'm sorry. I won't take them.
Psych. They'll take them. But those are diamonds. Psst. Zach. Hm?
Whip. The whip. Use the whip. Use the whip? Yes, use the whip. The whip is good now?
Oh, fuck you.
Remember when you said no more? He said no more.
I didn't expect a fucking Nazi to come in here. Stop being an asshole. See that the whip is good and that I look cool using it. I'm not going to do that. Do it. Take the whip. You're a piece of shit.
You said no more? I'm not going to take it.
Fine, fine. This is very nice. The whip is good and you look cool using it. Sorry, what? The whip is good and you look cool using it.
Loud and proud. I'm not going to say it any louder. He's going to hear me. He's very busy.
The whip is good and you look cool using it. Hell yeah. A shithead. What? Whip this. You know what they say. One man's whip is another man's grit.
He's gone.
That's fun. You can also click here if you want to feed me clicks. I like them. Mmm. Clicks. |
dropout | 5_tips_for_people_who_don_t_understand_cars | Hey guys, Grant here. I'm not a car guy, but I still have to get around town. Are you intimidated by having a big, expensive, dangerous thing you don't know how to use? Are you embarrassed by how long it takes you to find the little button that pops your hood?
Don't be. Here are five car tips for non-car people. Now the most important thing you can do when your car is acting up is ignore it. Just pretend it's not happening.
It's the same thing you do when you think you might have a cavity. Maybe it'll go away by itself? Hey, sometimes your computer fixes itself by magic, right? Well, your car does the same thing. If you do have to fix your car, remember, it's probably a fuse. Why? Because you've heard of fuses. Luckily, this is an easy fix. It's just lots and lots of electricity. To fix it, do it the same way you fix your fuse box at home.
Don't make all the things look like all the other things. If all the things look one way, and one thing looks another way, the one thing is the problem. Sorry, that got technical.
Now there's a very important step in all of car maintenance, calling your dad. Your dad seems to know a lot about cars, even though that's not his job. Maybe people his age just know more things. When you call, try to talk up any recent accomplishments at work to soften the blow of not having basic life skills. When he asks where he went wrong as a parent, tell him it's that he worked too much.
When your car won't work, don't forget, you're spoiled. You're a soft person whose hands have never known a callous and whose mind has been turned to pudding by screens. This car is a luxury you don't deserve, and whatever unsmiling God there is has rightly judged that you're unfit to have such bounty. One must walk as if on the way of the cross or the road to Mecca to atone for the sins of gluttony and sloth that you, indeed, all of us are guilty of. Remember to bring your own grocery bags.
And unlike this car, you may have a diesel engine. In that case, it might be a good idea to install a tachometer. This one has an inductive pickup designed to strap to the outside of your alternator to read rotation. And if you understand any and what I just said, please explain it to me in the comments because I'm a little baby boy. |
cracked | why_kanye_west_is_the_most_important_philosopher_of_our_time | I am a black American male from Chicago who had my rehearsal dinner at Versailles and then got married in Florence with a view of the entire city. What I just said is true of someone else. Hi, I'm a dork from the Chicago suburbs and the guy I quoted who's from the actual Tri-Rack drill in Illinois is Kanye West. You probably know Kanye from his music or from our collective assumption that...
He's a jackass. Wrong. He is impolite at awards shows.
It's different. And Kanye is also the most important philosopher of the 21st century. Just because you rap about needing sunglasses in Advil after partying with Hove all night doesn't mean you can't be a philosopher. Like Ancient Greece's Hill Country drunks, the Enlightenment's salon junkies, or cross-legged old fitness freaks. Yes, Kanye wilds out. Yes, he sounds like a jackass sometimes. Steve Jobs was, like, right under Jesus to me.
But Immanuel Kant thought David Hume was wrong about empiricism. Bertrand Russell called Marcus Aurelius the product of a tired age. Plato's take on the universal elements was so stupid they made it an M. Night Shyamalan movie. But wrong or right, all of those guys are philosophers because the only requirement to be one is putting out a body of philosophical work.
And Kanye's put out an entire book of bullet-pointed life wisdom. He used his own wedding day to give a 45-minute toast on the theme of celebrity culture. He takes stupid talk show appearances and uses them to be insightful about our society.
Do you remember, like, when you see future movies and everything was in the sky? That's the internet!
And to point out its biggest problems. People don't stand up and protect their dreams. People are too scared of getting, you know, spoofed in a way.
His interviews alone inspired fans to assemble a 34-minute YouTube collage of yea deep thoughts. Let's talk about humanity. Let's talk about each other as a people. And his work suffers from so much realness, a Wittenberg University professor was able to write a 300-page textbook dedicated entirely to philosophy.
Because beyond constantly talking about how we should live, Kanye's spitting it. Go listen to all my music. It's the code to self-esteem. He's packed seven studio albums with the concept that you can touch the sky. You can be welcome to the good life. You can go to Paris and tool on McDonald's. Because if you are listening to his words, I refuse to follow those rules that society has set up in the way that they control people with low self-esteem. Or listening to his music. If you're a Kanye West fan, you're not a fan of me. You're a fan of yourself. He's telling you how to achieve your dreams in a way no one else is. And not just because you both connect over ill beats and sick fashion and the greatest movies of our time.
Have y'all ever seen Wrecking Ralph? Hey, viewer, when was the last time you read philosophy of any kind at all?
And hey, philosophers, congrats on that true thing Ralph Waldo Emerson said. That you've made young men in libraries forget that you're just the previous young men in libraries. You beard stroked your way into everyone thinking you're magical geniuses. And that is a feat Kanye has not pulled off. I'm a creative genius and there's no other way to word it. When you said you're a genius, I think that upsets people. Hey, philosophers, quick question. But who the hell is you reaching?
Because Kanye is wilding out in a way that entertains people. And that gives Kanye a platform. That gives Kanye cultural currency. That means whatever people say about him, Kanye is objectively a black American male from Chicago, who succeeded so hard he had a rehearsal dinner at Louis XIV's crib, then got married up in the Medici's spot to the world's most famous lady parts. Now, you can have any preferred philosopher you want, but Slavoj Zizek's not in the eyes and ears of an entire planet. Kanye West is in that position because he's living his opinions in a way that puts them in front of people on a mind-boggling scale. And if nothing else can convince you he's got something to say, Kanye West solved the seemingly impossible thought experiment of modern times by finding anything redeeming about Kim Kardashian.
She could love me without asking me for money. You know, it's your guy, the Gans. Subscribe for the Gans.
Please. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_137_Tyson_Pedro_Tai_Tuivasa | Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Radio Show. I'm just giving you a little bit of a pre-record before this week's interview I feel like I do this every time we have this guest on this week BAM BAM Tui Vassa, Ty Tui Vassa UFC heavyweight former Sydney Rooster's prodigy turned cage fighter is back on the podcast and You know, we all get a bit silly when we all get together and this week he's bringing with him Tyson Pedro fellow fighter and Also a model now Tyson Pedro and they're joining us this week to discuss what's been going on in their worlds There's been a couple injuries, but there's also been a couple wins These blokes have been bouncing around a fight island, LA And we're talking about all that what it's like to be an athlete of that variety during COVID-19 but of course with this territory comes The complete lack of censorship and a lot of swear words, so yes again This is your warning as we gave you last time. We had BAM BAM on here Extreme language warning on this one. Look, they're big guys, but they're actually quite cuddly and very gentle You know If you see them in public You should bow them up and really get in their face and and pester them because they'll probably just give you a big cuddle Anyway, that's it for me and now for the real intro You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall editors of the Batooner Advocate on Desert Rock FM Welcome back to the Batooner Advocate radio show recording live here in Western Queensland You're joined by Clancy Overall and Errol Parker and today from Western Queensland a Western Sydney We're joined by two icons of what was formerly known as cage fighting It's now known as mixed martial arts Like the Batooner Advocate. They have their own beer drink West. I believe in Adelaide They call it human cockfighting human cockfighting the UFC. Listen to him go away. He sounds like a bad radio Welcome to The dulcet turns We're joined by Tyson Pedro and Ty Tui Vasa.
How are you gentlemen? Good. Thank you, brother Thanks for having us on what a pleasure Good, thanks We got the heavyweight in the corner, he's just come back from Fight Island Dubai and Abu Dhabi Yeah Try not to say something too generalizing there. What what division are you fighting in now Tyson at the moment heavyweight? I'm heavy weight at the moment, but I'm light heavyweight. That's the same one as Clancy's in now. Yeah. Yeah, you look like a heavyweight. I'm more on the 10 boxing circuits Pasta's hands a yeah fastest hands in Western Queensland heavyweight. Shout out to my mate So biggie for Western Sydney in a lot of aspects a lot of coronavirus a lot of coronavirus popped off out there and then they shut it down and then of course you had the the rise of Polynesian drill rap 1-4 finally released that album and Then we had Penrith all the way to the grand final which obviously didn't go as planned How tell tell us about how that was for you bam bam.
It's some refs name. Oh What's his name? The route already the refs name?
Yeah, cuz I just found his address about him He's a fucking idiot. I Hate him you reckon it was his fault.
They got us last night in the state of origin again Jared Sutton sudden sudden push the button Not a fan, so you had your fight your UFC fight in Fight Island, I guess the night before yeah But it was morning morning Australia time and then everyone I guess kind of got up and watched you and then waited all day For Penrith what kind of state were you in having drunk having won your fight and then drunk for probably 12 hours straight in? A hotel room kind of stay with you in when when Gerard Sutton was making those calls. It was fun. It's like a wet dream No No, so I so I Fought and then we had like time and then I went to sleep and then I woke up And then I watched the grand final you woke up pissed Yeah, mmm literally got straight back into it. Yeah. Yeah, and then and then yeah go back into it Who were you hanging out with in Fight Island because it's obviously so heavily quarantined The milk boys their name is like these these these famous guys influences Very famous. I didn't know Yeah, so Dana flew him out and then we met and then everyone's like all these guys are the party guys I'll tell you what, you're all over it when you know how to get in the people's I a straight in there They talked about they talked about Kabir they talked about Rob get in the tunnel and time pissing the bed UFC. That was it Make money move You make money Do you think pissing the bed after your fight because you were so drunk as Kind of giving you a bit of gas to career up a little bit your profile. I Just don't give a shit. I pissed the bed What did you want me to do lie for those like Fuck I won up like I woke up like a man can I win before but then I pissed the bed Did I win or did I win I won I won Two wins one for it. So you you guys usually after a fight what what goes down you a lovely alcohol Yeah, but so you usually got an entourage outside of coven. Mm-hmm Yeah, what was it like me? I just I just everyone's my entourage I get along with everyone like what was it like to fight without the crowd there, you know to gas you up. Oh That was a different kind of feeling I think it's more like I Found it weird like you knew you weren't fighting from there.
No, that's sweet But that was weird like when you you stand at the back before you For the open the curtains type of thing. And when you stand there you can hear that's my favorite part Oh, yeah. Yeah, you can hear everyone you can hear like you can hear obviously a stadium But this time you could just hear You can hear like the commentator you could hear like the TV in the background you could he I Love that you can hear each of the punches both like yes, and everything sounds so much more dramatic. That's sick I like that about it.
Yeah, and I still get in trouble for my corner cuz they're like, could you hear me saying was? Sticking to the game plan. I knew the game plan but it was But I think like crap.
I'm a show pony. Mm-hmm. I love the crowd. Mm-hmm, obviously What?
Yeah Like I think that's fuck that's what makes it, you know I mean like but to do it in to do it like that I think even just to the opportunity to work was Was good You know the end and tell us about this guy you you actually took him down the first What was that? Like what were you preparing for there? Exactly what you got? Yo, yeah. Oh, it's not not like that I was ready to go the whole fight and just win the fight. You looked way more patient. Yeah, I have to be We're getting a hiding to me What was his heart like where he was tall seven-foot no, but like so when you're fighting but Even sometimes when I've seen the punches, they'll like onto the shoulder to the chest. I was just swinging Patiently swinging Ponder And tell us about you to us and you've had you've had an injury Nate was it Yeah So when I just had the my patella done for the ACL Found out that the surgeon put the ACL in the wrong tunnel in the first one. What? Yeah So I did mommy. I went to go back and fight camp at ckb and I told my meniscus again They told me I thought it was me doing it But then when I saw the shark surgeon, that's when they told me that I had to redo it because it was in the wrong So it's been two-year layoff now be about three once I get back in there, right? You've jacked up a bit though. Oh, yeah, you notice that it's a bit of it Yeah, you know like you're not putting on like it's not you know, it's muscle you're putting on.
Yeah. Yeah Usually I walk in on weight So I thought it would be a good time to sort of get back in plus we've done a lot of other things Well in this time, so it's been good. Yeah been enjoying it. COVID's been productive. Yeah As much as it can be. Mmm. What are we working with?
Come on beers. Yeah beer wings out west. We started wings out west. That's been a little fun project Um chicken wings and beer the drink west has been good.
So tell us about your little restaurant you opened out there Oh, yeah hospitality is not for me. That's for damn sure There's like people coming up and complaining and I was like brother complaint sections out the back People coming up trying to ask me to split talk Bill between 12 people I was like brother barely know how to work the machine So you're on the floor there? Yeah, I'm hosting so right. Yeah, come in. Welcome to wings out west What about you Bambam you you're out there? You're a bit of a bit of a matron e come down Eden I'm not the cash bar You're in the back count the money Taking the money So what was it like seeing all these young fellas we'll go back to the pen with Panthers there you know some of those kids from From Mount Druitt from the area. Mm-hmm.
What was it like seeing this? Could you see this happening before it was happening in the finals? Yeah, we've always had that talent pool, man It's always been crazy. So it's just um, that's exciting to see them all in there I think that's a serious question like you just well, like, you know the rest of the Wanted us to think You'd make grand final study, you know, but is that what you meant by yeah, cuz I didn't think you would That we wouldn't we should have won you reckon man.
They got a good head start off of those bad calls at the beginning Mm-hmm. Yeah, and it's it's storms. We are new that they're gonna come of course, but We could have You still feel better.
I hate that He's got numbers on me if he comes to Penra, you know, how many boys have voluntarily I'll take the rap. Look, they volunteered to go for a holiday He is not like Do not go to the world of entertainment ever Safety See you've been missing the clubs in COVID But I do I miss dancing and like just being normal. I went out the other day for birthday, and we just went back to the pub and just Fuck it's sitting around drink heat like it's What are you doing? What do you? Just turn on the phone thugs and let me dance quarantine wasn't good for you a Good for me Fuck off what's your job? He loses it every time they asked him to sign in You saw another fake name anyway Whose name is Set up yeah gangsters names Al Capone, yes, or people out there that people are looking for What do they want to know everything for Yeah, get covered what's next after you you knock that giant Dutchman out Yeah, I'm gonna head back over to America Train mmm-hmm.
Try and pump a few flights out back to a care Yeah, but was that the gym you were out over there before covered. Yeah, you kind of got stuck there a little while didn't ya? No, I had to come back.
Yeah, because I Didn't really know it would no one knew what was happening. Mmm I don't even think no one really knows what's happening over there at the moment.
Yeah crazy We took over from Sydney those three people in the airport. We landed in California thousands Everyone not given a fuck they did not give a shit over there about covert.
They don't know But this is what I'm saying. Like what the fuck's going on Even they're testing. I'm not you know, I don't wanna say anything's people go all conspiracy What's up Hoppers posting the most He's going like calling everyone pedophiles and saying that Trump was gonna save the world and they fuck this and that and COVID's a lie When you're right, you're right. Yeah Yeah, a broken watch is right two times a day. That's correct.
Yeah, I mean good And inside hopper whitey's head is a broken watch What's he saying Look I'm not gonna go on because now I'm gonna be the crack Look I Don't think This got me gone So this is hoppers posted the Biden campaign star for Dallas Jones was arrested for voter fraud Accused of harvesting thousands of ballots under the names of dead people mainstream media refuses to report on this. This is the photo he's posted That photo is from a Cuba Gooding jr. Movie Cubers getting arrested in the movie.
He's just posted that as like some Joe Biden's I Been did when we did the testing, you know in Australia you go they go right back in there. They touch a brain Yeah, we got to America, but they gave us the thing and they watch you and he goes All right Now just put it in your nose and just just just rub it around your nose That'll that'll do put it back gave it to him. I just rubbed around the inside I told the nurse here and that she was like that didn't do anything I won't even test positive for it won't even get where it is. I was like, ah, they don't give a shit over there They haven't really we're in a bubble that we're allowed to go wherever we wanted What do you mean, you know how you guys are in a bubble like it's locked down Yeah, we're in the bowl in a casino and we're allowed to go do whatever we want You can be the bubble in the VIP lounge of any pub, right?
Wow, he's what it is before he got the name bam bam. They were calling him the pokey whisperer tied the pokey whisperer Was all one way the reverse ATM And so what were you doing in the States you were training yourself before no, I'm most cornering for Arlene blinker she fought cyborg I Obviously didn't go to plan was for the title. Yeah, that get that lady's crazy man Like um when when they weighed in I looked at him though about the same size and then when when she walked out She was jacked man huge, I don't know how they do the weight cup, but they're doing it Well, yeah, she'd look like she was a ten kilos every hands were huge and just everything that we trained for watching cyborgs Film she'd fixed and she just said yeah She said that she trained the artists that she'd ever trained for a fight because I was she was worried about Arlene's hands It's pretty menacing to see.
Yeah. Yeah, but what's it like in in that in that circumstance in the corner? Sucks. Yeah, I hate cornering to be honest.
Like I'm I'd rather be in there every day It's hard to watch someone that you care for care about or anything get here even watching him fight So some adrenaline's gone through the roof I'm calm when I fight but watching these guys ridiculous You're quarantining with a married couple Worried about hear me joking off all day then Did you call The Quarantines, I'm good. Why were you with you in? No, we did but we still wanted to see was an option Then she was hoping to fight again early so she wanted to keep training doing pads and that so we did It was just a joint sweet. All right, so I wasn't in the bed Man I reckon I'd do a ride in prison.
I liked it. Mm-hmm. You're gonna do a ride in prison Bem Bem That's Errol telling the EOC fighters that they're not gonna have a good time Big time big time armed just a couple nights here in there. Yeah. Yeah It's fucked me. Hmm. I don't get drunk Cops don't arrest you for pissing the bed If they did that don't to come and arrest me again this morning Morning did you piss it this morning piss the bed last night? Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I'm sure can she yeah, I think it's a discussion. We should have more This is a men's health podcast Let's remove the stigma around It's cool to pee your pants All that is isn't it have a look could you say I'll bug piece the bed that I shared yeah and his missus is like He was punching by the way I don't know if he was proud of the piece.
Yeah You're now in a position where people are sending you photos of like they're pissing the bed everything I'll get them all the time Really? Yeah You've really been I'm stepping up the kind of engagement with your fans Well when you're in quarantine yourself, especially you were just doing Instagram live with strangers. I always have I was in tears. I think you only do Instagram Yeah, Oh anyone How often do you reckon you go live because it seems like you know a couple times a day I see it Yeah, sometimes it's one of the strangers correct Yeah, you got me out when you're on the piss one night and I started singing to you're fickle my lip is here No, I think it's like I've kind of built like a thing with my fans it's like We just jump on my live and just talk shit.
Give it to each other. Have a laugh Fuck it. Why not? Everyone's always see our support come down the day He jumped on and he was bald and I was laugh and I thought you know And then he just started like going off had a bad time Come on I'll back four cuts in front of you And you jumped on and tell me like a crying life story like you can't do that there's a time and there's a place You know what I mean? You're just running through fans and you just roasting them. Yeah, that's what that's what they jump on for that guy Well exactly don't jump on the love Do something else one question.
I want to ask you guys as someone who hasn't fought professionally professionally. Yeah Yeah, I've got a good track record on the pebbles but What's that? What does it feel like have you ever been knocked out in a fight in the ring? I'm just thinking that because obviously origin last night seemed like every second bloke was going down with a fucking immediate Hia's No, no, I'm just saying what like if you don't as it happened you sparring yeah, yeah not knocked out No, actually once by my dad. Yeah, right, right, right, but and then I'm but I've blacked out a couple times in once again, so gone and Once against war be in AFC and I think you're just doing instinctually for me What happened was instinctually like when I was watching the fight back? I'd blacked out and I just grabbed so gone Yeah, right So, I don't know what's going on if it's subconscious or it's just your eyesight that stopped but yeah, yeah, right You've just got it your body or you yeah, hopefully grab it off the deal.
Oh Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
No you you never been knocked out. Not even when you're playing for the roosters Did you black out when you sent us? Yeah blacked out.
Yeah, but like still we're still moving. Yeah.
Yeah blacked out blacked out For my dad. Hmm, but like normal Yeah, like you could be on the way home and get hit by a cop or something Hit by a cop We can edit that out Everyone went like this Whoa Obviously you've actually never come in touch with a cop at all Definitely You will now Yeah, but you could get knocked out.
I don't want to jinx it so let's touch wood because it'll probably me that does it but whatever Oh Queensland ass Oh He's wearing a blue shirt today, that's how much of an imbecile Dumbest can't the channel country they reckon run a newspaper though. So be careful. You know, they say fake one. They say don't They reckon a fake news Don't make enemies don't make enemies with someone who buys ink by the barrel That's what they say and that's us.
So I'm gonna slander your name now Brother What's what I'm gonna do now I'm coming for you, but he knows like all like technical things. What's happening in the bone? This and that and I mean I and that yeah this and that I do we might actually make a new section like It'll be purely like Western Sydney area like section on Battuta advocate called this and that Yeah, and it's all just about BAM BAM piss in the bed and it's all in pig Latin It'll make sense. Every time we do a headline about BAM BAM.
It's in pig So have cast podcast is is the name of the show you guys do Africa see podcast That's We always had to change our name to that because someone's got the same name advocacy podcast yeah, that's Some Owen for the same word. Yeah. Oh, thank you. No, I'm just saying to the reason the listeners We'll send the listeners. That's that is the word Yeah, just yeah, that's your podcast and you've also got for feeder on from time to time. Yes He's I'm essentially a member now Yeah So we're trying to a few episodes with him because it's been crazy like now the ties was tie was overseas Andrew was in the bubble.
I was at home We want to keep it going well, thanks for joining us guys, it's good to suit you are you are looking to fight Yeah, 100% I've got to wait 12 months now for this Yeah, not from now, but the for your second surgery has got to be 12 months and then I'll have to go over to New Zealand for about three months to get on skill level back up like I can feel my timing and stuffs out but Exciting times. Yeah, right and Bambam you're just gonna be at the back stealing money from Wings out west is it? We're coming down go down then we can go play the reverse ATMs in Penrith at least yeah, they're not paying out No, thank you very much for having us in worries brah, we'll head back to New South Wales now |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_7 | Last time, On Street Fighter the Later Years. Oh my god! Okay. You're right. Careful with those lights. Jiminy crickets dick.
Is there anything more worthless than a film student? Where's Zangief? No!
Five years in this dungeon, eating rats, drinking nothing but sewage and eating rats to survive. Did I mention I had to eat rats?
Right. The Street Fighters are engaged in another tournament, and some dude is posing as you. Okay, now, I need to know what the F is going on, man. It started about five years ago. I was living in peace at the peak of Mt. Iori Gotoki, when the CEO of Capcom showed up at my doorstep.
Kids are bored. They don't want karate, wrestling, super soakers, slinkies, pogs. They want something with more fire. They want to hudukkah. You want me to teach kids how to throw fireballs?
I'm offering you this chance to share your gift with the world. Hudukkah is an ancient secret technique. Many of my ancestors and their yaks died protecting that secret. You would not go unrewarded. I'm sorry you feel that way, right?
They burned everything I owned to ashes. They killed my wife. They raped my yaks.
Kobit knew he needed my name to sell the franchise. He needed someone to steal my identity. I have a proposition for you. Kobit laid out his skin.
Ihunda would uncover the secrets of the hudukken, and then work with Capcom to create a hudukken empire. But what about all that? Fat. Fuck it, you're getting liposuction! From that point on, the franchise took off with my name, and Kobit got his empire while I wept and ate that. But Dalsim and Zangief like totally said that they saw Ihunda's dead body. That brings us to one week ago. Kill any fat Asian man you want.
I just can't have him looking for Ihunda. I'm sorry we're talking.
Kuna Tifa fat or John Travolta fat? Cristiali fat? Old Ricky like fat? No Ricky like fat!
Kobit thought that the tournament would directly threaten his hudukken empire. But why kill all of us? Copyright infringement. They needed someone with a vendetta. A killing machine that felt no remorse. Ihunda's men are no longer street fighters. They see this as a mode of combat and they have the killer instinct. If you do not help your friends, this may be their final fight. A great fighter.
Oh my god! Chantley. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the first battle of the street fighter tournament? |
cracked | nba_finals_reax_new_guy_weekly | He's the editor-in-chief of Cracked and the resident NBA expert. It's Jack And we're here for some NBA reacts. Oh, come on. You know so much about basketball. Just a lot of reacts Just a lot of quick hot takes about it NBA reacts number one, Jack. Who won the NBA Finals this year? So we're going in-depth the Golden State Warriors.
Yes. Okay. Hot reacts number two.
Did LeBron James lose the NBA Finals? Yeah, he his team lost. He played great. Right, but so LeBron James lost the NBA Finals Yes, is that all you need cuz I have stuff to do Okay, quick quick quick. Just just one more reacts. Will LeBron his king miss James Who lost the NBA Finals go out as championly and perfectly as another NBA player Michael Jordan? Will he go out as? Just like the end of his career.
Just a perfect finishing the three-peat now Will it be as great as that as as Jordan with the Bulls or is Jordan with the Wizards? Cuz that's kind of a Different matter. What do you mean Jordan with the Wizards the Washington Wizards? Are we doing like news parody? What no, man, I'm bringing the the heat as your NBA expert with Information that literally everybody knows about the NBA Washington Wizards Yeah, they're they're basketball.
Yeah, but like but like they lose to the Globetrotters like every game Why would he play for that team? Oh They lose like every game those are that's common. The refs don't do anything.
Okay, I think he averaged like 19 points Oh man, really like a half Like a half. No, no, no, it's like a rich guy's dad putting him on the team except to himself You should not check it out because you look devastated. How is it possible that you don't know about anything that happened in basketball since 1990 what was that? Well, there's the thing Michael Jordan went out on top in 1998 and I I'm a real Jordan fan So I went out on top as an NBA fan. I was like, this has been a great league Thanks for everything and I was like, you know, man For as an NBA fan, you're like a fish out of water comedy I thank you. I that means a lot because I'm funny Yeah, I mean, I mean who know not everybody can approach the comedic brilliance of Encino, man Did you become like a big minor league baseball fan when he retired the first time or oh, I mean that wasn't that wasn't really a retirement Actually, not a lot of people know that but it wasn't like about baseball Right. Some people think it was David Stern suspending him for gambling or something I don't actually know all this that is also an interesting cover story. You've seen the documentary. There's actually Mike Michael did they do a 30 for 30 on oh Man, it it would be it would be like a 30 for a but jillion Michael What he does is he continues to play basketball just not for the balls because there's there's a more important mission We see Bugs Bunny's in trumpet. What happened was Michael Jordan.
I get it. Yeah, it's a really Great documentary if you haven't if you haven't turned on space. Yeah, obviously But well, it's it's a movie. So I mean, right? I think it's a documentary yeah, but we know the difference between fictional movies and Documentaries do you Not know the difference. Wait, you went and shot a video for us at YouTube yesterday. That was great. It was great all about Ants and and use a documentary footage of ants to it's there's a Z and it's If you want to just did you base the science video you did yesterday about ants on the movie hands?
There you go. That's it. That's how it's pronounced.
Well, I was gonna say this has been a total waste of time. Oh But no, but I couldn't say that because what a time we've had it's been really useful.
I'm gonna go talk to HR. Oh Yeah, he's got a meeting with HR.
Yeah, that's great that it just set up. Oh, wow. Okay.
They're very responsive They're a great group. The HR device. I've spoken with them many times.
Thank you for thank you for doing this I'll see you later Guys, thank you so much for watching. I'll see you guys next week for sure With a review of the bear documentary so good. It got a sequel You guys thank you so much for watching I gotta ask you to please subscribe to the channel and I gotta ask you to please Watch the next episode of this on Saturday the 27th.
Please. Please watch |
cracked | four_reasons_spider_man_is_secretly_bad_at_his_job_after_hours | It's really okay. I mean, it's but you know, whatever though. Okay, we'll just It's what we do Right.
So Jesus. All right, just skip it forget why why is Daniel a fan of spider-man? We can just talk about our lives we can just chat, you know like friends do So Michael how was your weekend? I stole cable All of our idols have had to go through the process It's good. Really this should happen.
I'm gonna make you wet your webbed underoos boy I'm just mentioning something that I noticed specifically that Peter Parker seems to want all his loved ones to die horribly Yeah, I know how it feels. Oh We're his loved ones Sad what's his plan for keeping Mary Jane and Aunt May safe to keep his spider-man-ness a secret from them at all costs, right? Right because if any villain found out that he's spider-man They'd obviously go after the people that are closest to him examine the logic behind that it makes sense to keep it from villains because yeah They're villains but not his own family The only thing he accomplishes by keeping the truth from them is that if any of the villains do discover who Peter Parker is which Happens 22 to 29 times depending on how you count it Then MJ and aunt may are taken by complete surprise when that villain burst in through the door instead of knowing what's going on They just see a tentacled rape cosplayer breaking in and they freak out most of the times that happened It was either retconned or everyone involved died So, you know, but hey, what other superheroes have not so secret and Peter Parker makes his money photographing spider-man If he's really concerned with keeping his distance They're easier ways to do it than to associate with your alter ego for a living That's like if Bruce Wayne wrote a column about you never see him and Batman in the same room together Not that I want to talk about Batman's alter ego because I don't Okay, so sore and you nailed it. Congratulations spider-man sucks.
That's it then Pies couple of pie wait, I had one mine, too. It's meta. Although pie you should go at the same time.
Maybe he'll cry Are you actually bullying me? Ha ha you go Katie.
I forget mine.
Okay, fine Let's look at the story of spider-man. What's the message Tobey Maguire plus emo equals Katie Lang? No Technology is evil Progress is evil. I mean every villain in the series in electro green goblin doc ock mecca goblin Mysterio scorpion dr. Dangerface rhino troll gun shark an ox Sandman I mean they either invented something or were part of an experiment even the ones I just made up I mean no curses no magic just technology across the board I thought shark an ox made a deal with Poseidon nah gene tampering laser misfire So spider-man really the only one who has supernatural powers. I mean spider sense. No, you got bitten remember radioactive spider That's also an experience See even the good guys, I mean dr. Connors was fine until science came along and lizardized him Spider-man taught us anything.
It's that it's actually better that the US is 17th and science and engineering education You are completely forgetting that Never mind I Refused to take part in this charade. You know what?
He's right Peters web shooters I mean obviously those are good and he invents those so you can't say it all science intervention that world is bad Unless you're saying that spider-man himself is also evil I'm ready to pay attention again Okay, so fine all the crap you guys said sure But really Peter Parker is an ass-hat cuz think about it. Here's this smart nerdy kid who invents web shooters, right? invents Fabricates and engineers this amazing new non-lethal weapons technology totally unrelated to getting bitten by a spider and what does he do? spider-man's yes Spider-man's all day long, but what should he have done? Not spider-man's not spider-man He should have called the army or the cops and said oh, hey, I got a patent You're really gonna be interested in boom. He's rich instantly and now the cops have web shooters They can take down electro and Doc Ock and hey Homeless dudes with sticks without shooting them 30 times everyone wins not the 24-hour news cycle It's over your heads forget it then why does he spider-man? I mean, do you really think he's so dumb that the idea of marketing is invention didn't even occur to him No, I think he's so selfish that he'd rather have fun being spider-man than actually help the world fun Sure, it's fun to be hated by the people you have to protect fun to constantly fight for your very survival against monsters It doesn't sound as fun when he says it Peter Parker's a smart kid.
Why did he pick the obviously harder path? He could be like an agile really good-looking inventor instead of someone who's dirt-poor and fighting huge dudes all the time. That's who he is Yes, Peter Parker is irresponsible. Yes. He makes bad decisions when it comes to protecting himself and his loved ones Yes, he's afraid of progress afraid of the future. Why?
Because he's a teenager at his most basic level Peter Parker is a teenager going through all the same normal teenager things loneliness Insecurity self loathing. Why does he keep his identity a secret against all reason because he's embarrassed because he's different So grow up you're an adult now with an awesome job. Just You know get over it He's what I would say to Peter Parker who bears no resemblance to anyone at this table living or dead Amen grow out of it Let's take a look at venom venom is an alien symbiote that attaches itself to failed journalist Eddie Brock So you've got creepy evil alien slime embittered failure and Peter Parker devil's threesome Whatever over your heads. Where are those three now? The symbiote is on flash Thompson a good guy Eddie Brock is a superhero named anti venom who cures cancer and Peter Parker is In the exact same place still hiding his identity still Surrounded by this public that hates him still wondering how after 25 years. He's covered in acne Everyone gets to progress except Peter everyone gets to find peace to learn a lesson to grow up except Peter Because that's his job being stuck in perpetual awkward teenage hell forever for your entertainment Yeah, I'm glad we got that cleared out totally there will be absolutely no emotional fallout from this But don't fuck with me guys is there seriously pie look at all the pink boxes 200 pink boxes of steak But what do you think's usually yeah a bunch of Omaha steaks and pink fucking you're back Dan. We're pals again spider-man rules Hi, thanks for watching our videos subscribe for more of them, and it'll be a home run |
SaturdayNightLive | impeachment_hearings_cold_open_saturday_night_live | You're watching C-span. we now resume live coverage of the House Judiciary Hearings on impeachment. Once again, I want to thank you and all of the brave witnesses who have come forth today to enlighten us with their expertise on the very serious crime of perjury. we have just a few more questions for you, Senator D'amato. my pleasure, my pleasure. Whatever I can do, Senator. Mr. Barr, if you will. Senator D'amato, for the record, your definition of perjury? that would be lying under oath before God. And have you done that? Yes, of course. And based on your tremendous breadth of experience, having purged about financial misappropriations, embezzlement, under-the-table deals with toxic waste producing plants, payoffs to organized crime, arson, multiple murders, child stealing schemes, causing Hurricane Mitch, etc. Is it your belief that the President has committed perjury? Yes, and this is one time I'm not lying. that's a good one, Senator.
And thank you again for your brave testimony. God bless you.
Mr. Chairman, I don't understand why the President is held to a higher standard. you're out of order, Mr. Conyers. I just don't understand. Mr. Conyers, please. I don't.
Mr. Conyers, thanks to our witness, we now better understand the meaning and the grave seriousness of perjury. Alright, the committee will now turn its attention to the very grave and serious act of oral sex. to learn more about this topic, we have invited several distinguished experts. please state your names.: Courtney Love. Miss Love, the wisdom and experience you bring to this committee and all manners of oral sex with numerous partners, Honors the committee, and we thank you for your brave testimony. Thank you. Additional witnesses state your names.: Mariah Carey.
Elizabeth Dole. Lydia, it's especially great to see you. Well, thank you Henry, but I must say that I am really not sure why I'm here. I'm truly honored to be before this committee, though I wouldn't say I'm an expert on this subject, and I'm happy to share with you the little that I know if it helps the investigation. Well, Lydia, you'd make a formidable Presidential candidate, that's for sure.
Additional Witnesses. Richard Simmons. George Michael. Welcome All. Now, Miss Love, how many times have you committed the act of oral sex? 21,387 and a half. Mr. Michael. is that pre-wam or post-wam? Both. Okay, is that with other people or by myself?
Mr. Chairman, this is an unconscionable act. Commissioner Conyers, you've had your time. we are merely fulfilling our duty by calling on expert filators.
Mr. Chairman, I respectfully request a definition of oral sex. And could you tell the committee what is oral sex? Oh, can I? can I? Okay, it's oral stimulation leading to orgasm. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, orgasm? can you explain to Mr. Barr what an orgasm is? Yeah, well, it's a climax and. hello, I'm waiting. Mr. Chairman, I'd like to read a statement that might be of benefit.
Please. my name is Richard Simmons. I have performed oral sex on numerous individuals. some willing, some unwilling. some for minutes, some for hours, and even days. And it has consumed my life to such a.
Mr. Chairman, does it truly rise to the level that we have. Mr. Conyers! Can I say something here, Mr. Chairman? Yes, Congressman Frank. I just believe that this is worth hearing. Mr. Simmons has gone to a great deal of trouble to come before this committee. you were talking about being able to do it for hours and days. Mr. Chairman! |
cracked | a_quick_look_at_the_pros_and_cons_of_trump_s_cabinet_picks | I support accountability, I support accountability, I support accountability. Do you not want to answer my question? I support accountability. Okay, let me ask you this.
Vladimir Putin and his cronies are responsible for ordering the murder of countless dissidents, journalists, and political opponents. Well, people who speak up for freedom in regimes that are repressive are often a threat, and these things happen to them. I don't think there's anything wrong with a beautiful woman in a bikini eating a burger and washing a Bentley or a pickup truck or being in a hot tub. Islam is a political ideology. It is a political ideology. It's like a malignant cancer though in this case.
Did you propose to cut more than a trillion dollars out of Medicaid over the next ten years? You have the numbers before you. Is that a yes? You have the numbers before you. I'll take it as a yes.
The real reason that women who have been sexually abused don't come forward to talk about their stories is precisely this, that all too often they are accused of being liars. Are you saying that these women are lying? It doesn't matter whether they're lying or not.
What matters is that the train is going off the cliff. And of course, part of the problem I think, and this is I think would be outside my particular area if confirmed, but part of the problem is we are a very overly medicated society, huge amounts of opioids. I think that we cannot afford trade that is inherently bad for American workers and for American businesses. Two housing advocacy groups allege that one west broke federal laws by keeping branches out of minority neighborhoods and making few mortgages to black and Latino borrowers.
This is going to be a question that I know is going to get asked over and over again. Sure. Well, let me tell you, one of the most part aspects of my career was buying Indy Mac during the financial crisis. We bought it from the government in a highly competitive six month auction. Egypt, Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan. So you would consider, and Mr. Trump would consider, banning immigration temporarily, completely from those countries? Not completely. I mean, you got diplomats and business people have been traveling for a long time. But tightening up that pausing on the normal flow here. But you are on record time after time after time. And I read the quotes.
It's saying cut Social Security, cut Medicare, cut Medicaid. The only thing I know to do is to tell the president the truth. And the truth is that if we do not reform these programs that are so important to your constituents in Vermont and to mine in South Carolina, I believe in nine or 10 years, the Medicaid trust fund is empty. So my question to you is, will you vote for any U.N. resolution that commits U.S. soldiers to war that has not been authorized by Congress? As a member of the National Security Council, I would encourage them to make sure that they had had these conversations with Congress.
There are people questioning, is Putin gone crazy? Is he delusional? And I think that what we have to look at is that we have a Russia problem, not just a Putin problem. People say when Putin leaves, it'll all get better.
I think that's a pipe dream. The only way to ensure that is for you to recuse yourself from the cases that you have brought. Because most of them are to overturn the clean air, clean water, smog regulations. I can say to you unequivocally, I will recuse as directed by EPA at this council. If climate change is already causing devastating problems, should we allow fossil fuel to be drilled on public lands? Again, we need an economy and jobs too. I have tremendous gratitude to this country for the opportunities that it has given to my parents and to me. The third agency of government, I would do away with the education, the commerce, and let's see.
I can't. The third one, I can't. Sorry.
Hey guys, thanks for watching that. Hey, did you know that monogamous sexual relationships are actually a recent development in human history? I know that's the sort of thing you typically hear from a 50-year-old guy with a ponytail who thinks all naked bodies are beautiful, but as someone who finds the naked human body gross and repellent in most of its forms, I'm here to tell you that science and sociology and history surrounding sex are actually really interesting, even to a person who's never been to an orgy. Anyways, that's not just the more you know style public service announcement, it's what our live podcast is about this month. So Saturday, February 11th, 7 p.m., me and Michael Swam, Teresa Lee, are going to be talking to Dr. Christopher Ryan, who wrote a fascinating book about what sex was like a long, long time ago when humans were just starting to, you know. Tickets are $7, they usually sell it pretty quickly, so click on the link somewhere on your screen now if that sounds interesting to you. |
TheOnion | Find_The_Sweet_Apricots_You_Buried_So_Long_Ago_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | Hey everyone, today's question comes from Twitter follower at Fatehore who tweeted at me. At troublehacker, how can I find those sweet apricots I buried so long ago? Okay cool, at Fatehore, first of all, this is a very common problem, especially for our older viewers who have finally reached the age where they wish to uncover that crate of heavenly apricots that they buried in some barely remembered field during the irretrievable days of their youth, but the haze of time and the melancholy of the mind have rendered the precise location of that crate lost. Okay, so what you're going to want to do is reach the edge of your memory, that space in your mind where your dreams and experiences overlap to create the myth that we forged that becomes ourselves. To do this, I like to close my eyelids, let my eyeballs roll to the back of my head, and hold them there for as long as possible. Try it with me. We want to concentrate on the spasms.
Now count the beat of them. They should be rapid, but constant. Good. Now sync them up with this metronome. Synced up. Good.
Now we're ready to hack our minds. We need to reach back, back to the field where you buried those delicious apricots. You were just a child then. The crate is large, isn't it? There must be hundreds of sweet apricots in that wooden crate. You want to eat one now, but you know that they'll be even more delicious when you're old, when you're feeble. Your mother is there now, your lovely mother, helping you dig the hole. It seemed so deep then, I guess you were so small.
Look around you in this field, it is beautiful. The colors are so vivid, they're almost supernatural, but there are markers there. A distinctive tree lost to time, a fence whose builder is long past, a road where nobody goes.
And I am with you now, and I am with you now, as you realize I have always been with you. My hand is on your shoulder, and I am pointing to the sun, the bright, bright sun from where we all came, the sun that dried those sweet apricots, and to where we will all return someday. Look into the sun, look into the sun, look into the sun, look into the sun, look into the sun! Alright, open your eyes, if you saw the apricots of the sun, then you know where they are, if you didn't see them, then you know they never existed in the first place. I hope this helped, I don't do this for the money, I just do it for the fame. Bye bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | larry_smith_saturday_night_live | Welcome to Biography, I'm Jack Perkins. if you turn on a radio nowadays, chances are you'll hear a song that was either written, produced or performed by a remarkable young man named Sean Poofycoals. Poofdaddy, as he's called, came out of nowhere to become a successful recording artist and a music industry mogul with a big house out in the Hamptons. I had a share out in the Hamptons myself a couple of summers back, didn't get along with my housemates, and say I hogged up the whole bathroom with Mccream's anointments. that's another story. So without further ado, Biography presents the story of Sean Poofycoals. music was always a big part of my life. I'd be listening to the radio and these songs would just come to me. I wrote my first original song when I was 10. it was called, baby, baby, Baby. it went something like this.: this is what it sounds like when Doves cry. baby, baby, baby.
Yeah. By the tender age of 23, Combs had his own record label, Bad Boy Entertainment. And the only thing standing between him and the top of the charts was another successful rap label, Death Road Records, headed by his rival, Shug Night. I don't get it, man. he just take other people's songs and talk over them. he's like, weird out in conditions, except he ain't funny. and I'm the one in jail? yeah, weird out, yeah. he was an influence, you know? but he got all up into trying to be goofy and silly, you know? Besides, can weird out do this?
I'm getting tired of people picking on me. I'm serious. next person who messes with me is going to get an eye full of piping hot coffee. If you don't believe me, try it.
And try to imagine what it's like to be Puff Daddy today. 26 years old, a multi-millionaire, and dating bodacious screen siren, Jennifer Lopez. Puff is always trying to take it to the next level. but the stuff he's doing now is taking it to a level past the level he usually takes it to. you want to play what you've been working on, sweetie? aight. Now, I got a lot of different flavors working in this one.
I call it Come With Me, Part 2. Come with Me. come with me again. with me. Baby, you've done it again. Come on, come on, come with me one more time. Yeah, I think I did do it again.
But even if it isn't a hit, it was amazing to work with the guys from Aerosmith. yeah, we never met Puff. but we're looking forward to meeting some big-ass royalty checks in the mail.
Just stay away from my daughter, Puff. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, doo-bop, doo-dop, doo. I'm serious. stay away from her. it's a town that's small, too small for a mall. I'm mad at you all. I'm not taking a fall in a town that's small.
Though some may quibble about where Puffy gets the inspiration for his songs, there's one thing about this amazing Renaissance man that no one can argue about. dude. Dance like he got to go to the bathroom or something. but I got a hand to him. people are buying records. I just guess me and my crew over at the Dog pound was just working too hard. I mean, it took us damn near a month to come up with a bow wow. Wow. Yippee yo Yippee! Yay. there's been a load of compromising on the road to my horizon. but I'm going to be where the lights are shining on me like a rhinestone cowboy, like a rhinestone cowboy. that's a song by Glenn Campbell. What the hell happened to that guy? we should do a spin off of Biography called what the Hell Happened To That Guy Glenn Campbell? If I told that idea to A and E, they'd say, good idea, Jack. let's have lunch next week and talk about it. we'll give you a call. but they never would. I hope you enjoyed our look at Sean Puffy Coons. For Biography, I'm Jack Perkins. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Future_News_From_The_Year_2137 | A lot of networks report the news as it happens, but only one has the power to report the news before it happens. Through our state-of-the-art wormhole satellite, the Onion News Network Future Channel brings you exclusive news transmissions from the year 2137. Because to stay ahead in today's world, you need to know what's going to happen in tomorrows.
Well, here it goes again. Government contractors announced today that construction on the Omega-12 particle accelerator, which will destroy all life on Earth and finally bring an end to humanity's suffering, is facing much delays. The Omega-12 is now three years behind schedule and like $800 trillion over budget. Today's holdup, which is being blamed on late-helotanium shipments, will set the project back six months. At a news talk this morning, the program's boss ruler responded to criticalisms about the delay. Pushing back the death date is the only realistic way to make sure that when the machine is turned on that we will all be atomized. The Omega-12 project, originally presented by Little Congress in 2119 as a sweet solution to the problem of continual life on our wretched planet, was met originally with widespread popular approval. But today, citizens are expressing their frustration at Onion News Network feedback zones all over the place. It's frustrating. Every day the government keeps saying, we're all going to die, we're all going to die, and then it not happens.
If I could remove my obedience chip, I'd just kill myself. I didn't care about the cost because I thought we'd all be dead. But now we're paying a million dollars a week for this project and we're still alive. This is why I don't pay to vote. I'm a little better off because at least I have this baby to sell. But I still want the world gone.
Today's delay is only the latest in a row of problems that have plagued the Omega-12 project since its fucking inception. Meanwhile, criticalism is piling up near President Performance H. Wilson, who was voted into office for his sixth term primarily because he promised to kill us all. You don't need a bunch of empty promises.
You need to die. Do you want to die? I can't hear you. Do you want to die?
President Wilson's approval ratings have gone down steadily since that first delay, accepting a small rise when he personally murdered 7,000 people with a hatchet. And government watchdog group Citizens for Leadership recently named Omega-12 as the worst managed government program, surpassing even the ill-fated Mississippi Fire Dam and the never-completed South Florida Reland Vacation Program.
So, to be continued waiting. For all the latest on the end of the world, keep looking at the Onion News Network. Till then, sustenance to you. News for real, a new poll finds most people wish dinosaurs were still extinct. Remain motionless to be informed.
The young news out of the Middle East multicultural battle zone. Violence reamed the Gaza Scrap today as fighting broke out between the one remaining Palestinian and the one remaining Israeli. The struggle over the Gaza Scrap, which began long before the burn down, has stolen the lives of more than 99% of the region's inhabitants. Here is what the news satellite showed us this morning. The violence began when the Israeli army Lev Rosen entered the Gaza Scrap and began building a perma-shed on the disputed land.
The Israeli was forced back over the border after suffering a sprained ankle and a bleeding nose at the hands of the Palestinian army Amjad Ullrud. Even after the retreat, the Palestinian bombarded Israel with rocks and empty fire-ray cartridges for near two hours. One Israeli soldier was injured in today's fight. At a press conference in front of the governmental Havel today, the Palestinian president condemned the Israeli's incursion. The Israeli responded by hollering right back at him.
We're celebrating in the street of Palestine following the successful defensive. But straight moments ago, the Israeli launched another attack and pushed the Palestinian to the edge of the Gaza Scrap.
But Syria recently came out with a statement backing the Palestinian and refusing to acknowledge the existence of Rosen. Yes, Syria has been a friend country for some time. The six-minutes war from last year pitted the entire nation of Syria against Rosen, but he beat them back with a broken bottle.
But after losing 66% of its troops to pneumonia last year, many people thought Israel was finally prepped to end the conflict. Full truth. But even during the ceasefire, there has been sparring. Last week, an edible cat laundered into the disputed zone. Both men laid claim to it, resulting in a prolonged shouting match between the two sides. And today, Israel renewed its pledge to build a barrier between the two nations, a plan that has widespread support among the Israeli. But the border wall, the border moat, the border plasma, and the border photonic crystal laser shield did not stop the two sides from fighting. Full conveyance, but Israel's latest plan is to build a 30-foot-high wall directly around Ulrud while he's asleep.
Fuck chance of that. Most international observers believe the Palestinian army will just climb out.
Well, thank you, Vitamin. I love you. Love you.
Egypt offered to hold talks, but both sides rejected the offer, suspecting it was a trap by the Egyptian spider king to ensnare them in webbing and drink their blood.
Every word I have said here is true. More news was not possible. Body news now. The major surgeon general has issued a warning against diets high in fat people. Think Stop to halt download. Rule up this news.
Words from across the Indiana grin lines descended today on the Capitol to protest the possible legalization of gay marriage and what remains of their state. As lawmakers debated the fucking bill this morning, protesters chilled it out in the Free Speech Square to voice their opposition, some having traveled over 60 miles by sewage canal barge to shout there. The protest was conjured by a group called the Remaining Families Coalition.
If we allow gays to marry, God replenishes even worse than he already has. We have to oppose this legislation, not just for our own sake, but for the sake of America's packs of feral children. An Onion News Network poll shows 64% of grimlanders not burned to death or rendered mute by radiation opposed the bill, cranking the issue as more important to them than detoxifying food supplies or confining wolf mutants to the wastelands. If I could spawn a child that's not stillborn, I don't want him growing up in a world where too many can marry. If the grim legislature fertilizes this law, what would be next? Men married to donkeys would be allowed to pick a second donkey as a wife? If the rest of the grim legislature legalized same-sex marriage, it would shove Indiana into the ranks of the other five states to have done so. Massachusetts, Vermont, Procter & Gamble, Carolina, and Gay Texas. Marriages performed in these states are not currently considered legal in the Indiana grimlands, meaning gay residents of the state are not allowed to visit their partners on government smallpox hospice boats or dig graves for them when they die. Citizen X436A is a gay from the grimlands.
If we secure the right to marry, maybe one day we'll derive the right to live above ground. We deserve the same rights as all the other subhuman groups. Are we not as good as the lizard people of Arizona?
Despite the protests, the bill was thickly supported by such liberal-leaning politicians as Harlan Downey, who bought his senate seat two years ago. This landmark bill is the next step in the war for gay equality that began 168 years ago. Other grimlands presidents worried that their state could suffer the same fate as Wyoming, which elected by popular referendum to nuke itself after their state legislature legalized gay marriage. If the law is passed, it will raise the number of laws in the Indiana grimlands to six.
That news is quenched. More hot news in Brownsboro today. A massacre-watching party turned deadly. Blink twice. Oven roasted news and delicious reduction.
We've all seen the images of razor-toothed mandibles, impenetrable beetle shells, and human bodies tongue limb from limb by the bloodthirsty two-tongued bugs on news i-streams. But are giant beetles as for real dangerous as the media makes them out to be?
Standing there is Orange Clark, director of media watchdog group YouSafe. Orange, how's it hanging? How it is hanging?
Now, your organization says the news spends far too fucking much time reporting giant beetle attacks. Yes, Zesty. Last year, there were over 14,000 i-streams about giant beetle attacks. Right. While in reality, there were just 389 recorded instances of humans actually being killed and devoured by mutant beetles in that same time. Right. And your report tells me most of those people were cooling around clearly marked beetle-infested zones or corpse piles where giant beetles feed. Places where humans shouldn't be trudging around no harm. True reality. But the over-reporting so now most people wrongly believe they're at risk of being pulled out of their homes and eaten in the street by a beetle. But beetle attacks rank tops in i-views almost every time they're i-streamed, even above twat vision in some zones. Isn't the media just giving people what they want? But that does not justify scaring people into thinking they'll get sliced in half if they ever go to the soil fields. Beetle footage gets i-views, but statistics show you have a far better chance of being eaten by air slugs or dying from oxygen sickness. And you point at this sledge fact news clip of an elderly woman having her limbs ripped off by a beetle as a particularly egregious example of that. Sledge fact.
I streamed that clip over 40 times per day and produced a three-hour special about her story. But that same week, President Performance H. Wilson killed six senators. There was a major cat meat health advisory and 30 square miles of Romanti fell into the ocean.
Right. Where was the coverage of that? And I might point out, Zesty, that The Onion News Network is guilty of this as well. We report what the public must see.
What about your dung beetle terror clip of the day? Stop this. You have an entire show called Hunters of the Blood Mad Beetle. That is a fact program teaching human viewers how to kill giant beetles if they are attacked. It's saved lives. But your August beetle month, which consists of non-stop, extraordinarily violent, recycled footage of beetles tossing people into the air and carrying them on their claws. Because August is when the beetles have their feeding craze. Yes, but I think the media needs to stop fear-mongering and tell full truth on beetles. Only radioactive giant mutant beetles ever enter population centers. 90% of beetle victims provoked beetles by accidentally looking at them.
All right, Orange Clark, thank you for standing there. Okay.
Well, I've shot my news load. Fresh sports news, we've got the final scores of last night's rape ball games. That news for your brain tank is here. |
cracked | game_of_thrones_the_board_game | I want to be the plucky noble girl. Oh, she had to flee the game and disguise herself as a boy or get taken hostage by the Lannisters, remember? Right. You can be the incestuous queen, the morally ambiguous dwarf, or the noble lady who still breastfeeds her ten-year-old son. I will just be the thimble, if that's cool with everyone. It's a game of shifting political alliances, and eventually there'll be some magic. Oh, Littlefinger got dirt on me, but one of my eunuch spymasters intercepted a letter from the Greyjoys, so I can exert pressure on new character, let's read his dossier. Completing a single game counts as a poli-sci credit at most institutes of higher education. Careful, though, dangers abound on the road to the Iron Throne. But I'm king!
I mean, I can't just be killed by a boar in between turns, it just throws the whole balance off. Sometimes life is a senseless parade of brutality.
Indeed, just ask the Hound. Is that salt?
It's poison, you're dead. Your children will be spat upon as bastards.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go to bed. No, wait!
Now, you have to take the night watch hose and play the wog. HBO and George R.R. Martin have teamed up to create the most immersive board game of all time.
Okay, so, we are... married. What the hell, Kyle? Hey!
It was the only way to cement our alliance and fight off the Iron Men. Do you want me to earn a disgrace token?
Leave us. Leave us!
Find out what the Game of Thrones Home Game of Thrones has in store for you.
I'm so glad we did this. I mean, I didn't know what I was missing. Seize him! Huh?
Sorry, darling, but you shouldn't have allied with the Dothraki! Jesus, you guys are still doing this? I only saw your couple episodes the first season. Dothraki, that's the horse king.
Game of Thrones, the home game of thrones from the makers of Deadwood and Luck. I could just read the books, I guess, but they're like, you know, so long.
This is better. Here. Or here. |
TheOnion | CDC_Says_Kids_Will_Be_Last_To_Get_Vaccine_Because_What_Are_Those_Little_Twerps_Going_To_Do_About_It | Pharmaceutical companies are entering the final stages of development in the race for a COVID-19 vaccine, but we're not quite out of the woods yet. Hear why experts are saying that in order for you to get the vaccine, they'll have to load a diluted version of the virus into a needle, and then they stick that needle into your arm?
Yikes! No thank you.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the topical. Better start tying off, because I'm about to inject you with all the news you can handle, right after this. The COVID-19 vaccine is coming, but who should get to take it first? For more on exactly who will get the vaccine and when, I'm joined by OPR Health Rappaport, Heath Reporter.
Ugh, I'm sorry. That's OPR Health Reporter, Heath Rappaport. Sorry about that. No problem, Leslie. Thank you.
So, Health, which of us festering human lab rats will be the first to get a nibble of this medicinal block of cheddar? Well, that's the exact phrasing of the question on everybody's minds. It seems the private companies involved are leaving that difficult decision completely up to the CDC. And while the organization hasn't yet decided who deserves first access, they apparently can tell us who will be dead last in line. Here's CDC Deputy Director Anne Schuchat at an earlier press conference. Our number one priority right now is streamlining the safest, fairest, and most effective plan to distribute an immunizing agent against the deadly coronavirus to those who deserve it. With that mission in mind, I am proud to assure all of you that the children will be the last among us to receive a COVID-19 vaccine, if they receive one at all.
Because, come on, what are those little twerps going to do about it? Wine to their mommies? Well, I've got to tell you, as a non-child myself, that comes as a huge relief. But I imagine the CDC has already received some pushback from parents, no? You mean their adult parents? Good point. But did the CDC explain how they arrived at this decision? Dr. Schuchat did address that later in the press conference.
Here she is again. Why are we doing this? Because we can.
And there's nothing a bunch of puny little babies can do to stop us. So fuck them. Schuchat also noted that they're working on the, quote, mother of all child-proof seals for the initial round of vaccinations. The reality of the situation seems to be that because these weak little peanuts have their whole lives ahead of them, it's our right as adults to resent them for that. Sing it, sister. Those runs probably don't even know how to spell vaccine. I definitely do.
I just don't feel like it right now. Now, how do these pipsqueaks in question feel about this news? They're not happy. But in my experience, they rarely are. Schuchat said her team honestly didn't give it much thought because, quote, if those rotten punks make a stink, they'll definitely tucker themselves out long before we at the CDC would ever cave.
In fact, here's Schuchat going toe to toe with one of the goobers at the event in real time. Excuse me, ma'am.
I'm at high risk because of my asthma. Can I have a vaccine?
I'll tell you what, small fry. I've actually got one vial right here, and it's got your name on it. All you have to do is just come up here and grab it, and it's all yours. I... I can't reach. You're so close, sweetie.
Why won't you just take it? You must not want it very badly after all, huh?
Oh, well. Okay. Wait. Kid? Yeah? Think fast. Uh oh, sounds like someone's ready for a nap. Yeah, he was all, and believe it or not, that's actually Dr. Schuchat's son. Wow, that rocks. Well, sorry, champ.
Looks like you're headed back to school next year without any antibodies because vaccines don't come in wittle baby bottles for wittle babies. They come and wittle bottles for grown men and women like us.
Isn't that right, health? Oh yeah! Alright, coming up on the topical, I go undercover to investigate a federal lawsuit brought against the farming industry just as soon as I find someone to be in the back half of the cow. More after the break.
Sex, power, violence. These words make the Catholic Church seem way cooler than it actually is, but they also accurately convey the myriad of scandals the Church has been wrapped up in over the years. But now a new scandal has seemingly emerged, and it's one that is all the more haunting because of how vague the apology is.
OPR's Vatican correspondent Marcy Hammond joins us now from Rome. Hello, Marcy. Thanks, Leslie.
It was a concerningly ambiguous statement for sure, with no specific deeds or victims mentioned amid the pleas of forgive us and God have mercy. Experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity they could have committed this time. Here is just part of the Pope's statement. We know it will take a long time to rebuild your trust. This is unconscionable, and there is nothing we can do to excuse it or make it better. We must simply face what we have done and ask for the Lord's forgiveness. Nothing like this will ever happen again, we promise you. At that point, the Pope wept and fled the stage, claiming he, quote, needed to pray and repent for what had happened. Which, I mean, cannot be good, right? Okay, but Marcy, there's really only one thing this could be about, right? I mean, it's the Catholic Church. Well, that's what everyone first assumed, but they seem way more remorseful about what happened this time than they ever did about the pedophilia. Plus, take a listen to what else Pope Francis had to say once he composed himself.
We are made of sin, and we are imperfect, just as all human beings are. But I gotta say, this is really bad, even by our standards. Even by our standards?
Jesus. Well, the Pope does have several events scheduled for the next few days, including washing the feet of 100 poor women in Rome. Christ, I don't even want to think about that. And a papal symposium on the return of artifacts to third-world countries. Perhaps he intends to clarify this apology in the future at one of these events? No fucking idea, Leslie, but I would just brace yourself, because Pope Francis cited Matthew 1822, which I just looked up, and it says we should forgive those who sin against us 70 times, seven times.
What? What the fuck? What the fuck does that even mean? Only makes this more terrifying, Leslie.
Just listen to what happened when I tried to interview a member of the Vatican staff. Excuse me, excuse me, sir, could you clarify the Pope's apology?
Please, we are all suffering. Can we not grieve in peace? Grieve what? Are people dead?
Is it financial corruption? What did the Pope mean by the cleansing light of God? Santa Maria.
Hey, hey, look me in the eyes. Say something. Stop that right now. Answer me, goddammit. What did you do? Oh boy.
Yes, I tried almost a dozen other members of the Vatican staff, and none of them would say a word to me, not even the cleaning crew or the gift shop employees.
Well, I think I need to go home and check on my wife and kids, see if they're okay. I've already bought a gun. Thank you, Marcy. Tomorrow on OPR, learn what you can do to defend your home and your family from incursions by the Catholic Church. We'll be back in a moment.
Tabitha Williams. Despite some tight purse strings, this sweet and generous 83-year-old was the only one of you no-good freeloaders who went above and beyond this month. Now, folks, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Our $25 Patreon tier may be our highest membership subscription, but it is by no means the limit. Apparently, Tabitha is the only one who got the message, though, and thanks to her $35 contribution, she and she alone will enjoy today's episode.
Alright, are you ready, Ms. Williams? Here we go. All the news you want to hear, made possible by you and you alone. Live from the Young & Public Radio Studio, in a nice warm room with the thermostat set to a comfortable 88, it's Tabitha Williams Day on the Topical News Program. I'm your host, a very good boy, Leslie Price. And with me is a very special guest co-host, everyone's favorite early bird shift manager from Wegan's Crab House, Ms. Patricia Danielvers. Thank you, Leslie. Good morning. And good morning, Ms. Williams. But Leslie, my name's actually Patty Danvers. No, no, don't be rude, Patricia. We all go by our full names on Tabitha's Topical. Oh, oh yes, sir. Thanks for having me.
Ms. Williams is everyone's favorite customer down at Wegan's. She always makes sure to tip her servers and open butterscotch candy or two.
Mmm, mmm. Yeah, love them. Now what's the lunch special today? Today we've got the Friday fish fry with coleslaw, as well as Ms. Williams' personal favorite, the Cobb salad. Wunderbar. That's German for wonderful. All right, now coming up on the show today, bunions. Are they finally back in style?
And later, Patty says you'll like this one, Ms. Williams. Corn. Should it be softer? Well, I'd say of course it just makes sense when you think about it. But first, we tackle some breaking economic news. Patricia? Thanks, Leslie.
According to a shocking report in Today's Grocery Circular, it appears that Comet Cleaner is back up to the regular price this week at $1.79. And we confirmed with a source on the inside that it's still ringing up at the sale price of $1.49. So it might be worth stocking up on before the system is adjusted, even if you don't typically use it.
Incredible reporting, Patricia. Hey, is it just me, or is the writing on those newspaper rags just too gosh-dang small? Tabitha knows what I mean, don't you, sweet tea? Newspapers have, unfortunately, always been a young man's game. That's why the daily podcast is the way to go. Oh, you're absolutely right.
Now say there was a way to financially support a daily podcast for a recurring monthly fee. About how much would you be willing to donate, Patricia? I don't know. Maybe $2 a month?
Oh, Jesus. Okay, well, never mind then.
Say, any word from the ground on the price of peaches? I hear Ms. Williams makes the tastiest darn cobbler on this side of the equator. Well, Leslie. Louder, she's old as dirt. Well, Leslie, looks like peaches are 89 cents a pound until the end of the buck. Well, hot dog, that's quite a deal.
Listeners, more specifically 83-year-old listeners named Tabitha Williams, we'd love to hear from you. What could you get for 89 cents back in your day? Call us any time, day or night, to let us know.
Presumably on the jitterbug your son gave you that I have on good authority is still in its box. Some exciting news, Leslie. We've got a very special guest on the line. Ms. Williams' seven-year-old grandson, Bernard. Little Beansie, welcome to the program, son. Is there anything you'd like to say to your grandmother? Bernard, buddy, you're live on air on a very respected radio station that many, many people rely on but sadly take for granted. So, tell me, Bernard, do you get an allowance?
Yeah. Oh, wow. Don't you think you'd love to give some of that money to a daily news podcast? No. Fine. Fuck it.
Anything else you want to say to your dear, sweet grandmother? You're not my gam-gam. Yes, that's true. But you know what a phone is, don't you? She's listening and I'm sure she'd love to hear you say hello.
My sister said Grampy is in the dirt and worms aren't eating his brain. And worms are his hair and he has no eyeballs. And someday gam-gam will be worms too and I'll be worms. Cut him off. And so all worms are my grandpa.
Well, that's beansie for you. Just a vivid imagination on that fine young gentleman. And smart as a whip, too.
Let's see, that interview cut out a bit shorter than we had anticipated, so please enjoy a brief musical interlude we think you'll appreciate. Turkey and the Straw, overlaid with the always popular, always soothing sounds of FDR delivering the fireside chats. As we review the achievements of this session, it is increasingly clear that its task was essentially that of completing and fortifying... Well, it's 5.20 a.m., so we won't keep you from starting your day, Ms. Williams. We're going to take a short break, but we'll see you right back here at 3 p.m. for dinner. Yeah! This is fun! Here's what else you need to know today.
It was quite a scene today outside the nation's Home Depots as thousands of gamers camped out in the parking lots of the home improvement store, all just on the off chance that they might start stocking PlayStation 5s. Just as good a chance of finding one there as anywhere else, so what the hell? Best of luck, losers.
And of course it can be difficult to eat healthy during the holidays, but nutritionists are offering some helpful guidance today. And are recommending that Americans increase their intake of whatever will earn you a free t-shirt from a restaurant. Nutritionists noted that proven benefits corresponding to the increased consumption of 5-pound hamburgers, 72-ounce steaks and buckets of atomic hot wings can provide people with healthy amounts of commemorative garments, but are reminding Americans to be sure to finish within the restaurant's time limit and always be careful not to vomit.
And finally, Google has unveiled what you all out there have been searching for the most this year. Don't worry, it's nothing too embarrassing. The popular search engine announced today that 2020's most searched term of the year is once again, nervous breakdown, hate life, hate job, how to get new life. The more things change, the more they stay the same. I've actually got a Google Alert set on my phone for that one. And that's the Topical for today. I'm Leslie Price.
If you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to get your follow-up dose by subscribing to The Topical wherever you get your podcast, otherwise it won't work and you'll probably die. And if you really want to stave off any future infections, you can also sign up to become a member of The Topical's Patreon, where for as little as $5 a month you'll get access to all kinds of exclusive news content, like which one of the pharmaceutical companies actually got it right. And for members of our $10 tier, you'll receive an on-air shoutout where I'll personally thank you by name or whatever I feel like calling you right here in one of our episodes. Today's shoutout goes to Daniel Molant, or Dan Mant for short, and Cal Storch, which is short for California Storch Campbell Myers, probably. Dan Mant, California, if you really think we couldn't put together this show without your 10 bucks a month, well then you're sorely mistaken. When you do the math, it works out to less than 34 cents a day, so don't go getting all high and mighty on us. But hey, in my eyes you're still better than the rest of the freeloaders who haven't signed up yet, so unless you want to be looked down upon by Molant and Storch, I'd suggest you go sign up for our Patreon now.
And we'll see you tomorrow. Freaks. |
cracked | the_awful_secret_implied_by_the_dark_knight_trilogy_today_s_topic | I mean, not showing up the dark night rises tonight? Dude, it's been out for days. Yeah, I want to see it an eighth time.
I think I'm finally catching on to this subtle layer of metaphor and the part where he breaks the dude's face. No, the other part where he breaks the dude's face. Yeah, no, dude, I'm not really as into it as you are, so...
Why? Because Christopher Nolan has created a world where Batman can exist instead of a cartoon fantasy land? Well, that's where Batman actually belongs, because in real life he couldn't be a hero. He'd be a sociopath destined to get blown to hell in his guano-covered wake-up. Pick one perfect example or we will no longer be friends.
How about the Batcave? What about it? Would you rather it be a multi-tiered science fair with a T-Rex and a two-story penny? Look, all I'm saying is you couldn't build even a scaled-down crime lab without tons of day laborers, maintenance crews, and delivery guys, all of whom would probably notice the kind of thing they're working on, right? The kind of Bat thing they're working on?
So he hires day laborers, and then Alfred runs the construction site or whatever, and then he gives them some hush money. Let's assume the goddamn Batman has led at least several people in on his secret, and then he thinks he's gonna hush him up for, what do you think, a couple thousand? Ten thousand bucks? No, sir, because any of those people could go and sell their secret to a local news outlet at any time for ten times the amount of money.
Yeah, they already dealt with that in the Dark Knight. It was great. They did, except that in that movie, Bruce Wayne wrecks a Lambo and a bunch of city property to shut up one guy. And that only worked because the narc pulls LeBron James and went on TV to tell everybody, hey, everybody, I got something to tell you later on TV.
How many times do you think Bruce Wayne would have to do that? Not two, not three, not four, not five, not six. And let's not forget it's Batcave, which means it's a cave, a bat's cave. Do you have any idea how much batsh*** there'd be in it? Do you? Yes, literally a s*** load, which means maintenance crews, like a rotation down there in regular intervals just to clean up batsh***. Alfred could be a cook and a waiter and a crime aide and a father figure and in his spare time just clean up batsh*** all night. Because at that point, he's like more capable than Batman. But hey, what don't they teach him in those old timey British butlerring academies, right?
Do you want to go to the movie with me or not, man? I mean, of course, but only if you admit I win. Yeah, you won.
The Batman can't exist in the real world. That's not what I said. But you've been saying that this entire time. I said Batman couldn't be a hero in real life. He could still build Batcave, he'd just have to kill everybody and bury him under it. You're saying he couldn't pay people off to not talk about him, but he could murder a bunch of people and no one will find out.
Dude, he's super rich. Who's living in the fantasy land now? Ohhhhhhh. Hi, um, I'm one of Cody Johnston's wacky characters that he does, because he can't just talk like a human and do things seriously when he wants to make a point. I'm using this one to tell you to, you know, subscribe if you want to one of our channels. We've only got the one. Do it on the cracked internet. Bye, and I'm f***ing Cody. |
dropout | level_48_2_days_5_games_skype_on_xbox_one | Xbox the answer hello Jake Wow buddy I don't even want to know what's going on right now this is my friend will a chakra I said I didn't want to know just let me finish this game okay then we can play whatever you want Xbox snap Skype he's helping me become one with the Xbox one and once he's done I will become a laser-focused winning machine what do you want to play any game I'll beat you Wow really why don't we call Bobby Lee and let him weigh in fine sure Xbox call Bobby Xbox answer what's up boys Bobby we need you to help us decide once and for all which one of us is the better gamer alright what's in it for me we'll give you fifty bucks fifty dollars how dare you I'm an A-list celebrity I'm on YouTube dog two days five games one room the people will choose a side you will choose your face and Scott is the only contact you will have with the outside world they will call it level 48 and they will be pranks there will be pranks evil twisted up pranks I'm in Bobby you okay what happened I blacked out and I saw my grandmother and I saw golden mountain it was a dancing panda there and he was doing this dance like this and then my grandmother fell off and I started to cry and then I ate boba what I would call my grandma I think she's a grandma willow what do you think about all this where is he I don't know where he went man he's your friend I don't know |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_adam_sandler_on_hanukkah_snl | Tonight is the 7th night of Hanukkah, and here to sing a Hanukkah song is Adam Sandler. that was cute. thank you. thank you, thank you. Thanks, thanks very much. Well, when I was a kid, this time of year always made me feel a little left out because in school there were so many Christmas songs, and all us Jewish kids had was the song Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel. And so I wrote a brand new Hanukkah song for you Jewish kids to sing, and I hope you like it. Put on your Yarmulke, here comes Hanukkah, So much funukkah to celebrate Hanukkah. Hanukkah is the festival of Lights. instead of one day of presents, we had eight crazy nights. But when you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree, here's a list of people who are Jewish, just like you and me.
O.j. Simpson, not a Jew.
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew.
He converted. we got Ann Landers and her sister, Dear Abby. Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish, not poor shabby. some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is, well, he's not, but guess who is? all Three Stooges. So, so many Jews are in. show biz. Tom Cruise isn't, but I think his agent is.
Tell your friend Veronica, it's time to celebrate Hanukkah. I hope I get a harmonica on this lovely, lovely Hanukkah. So drink your gin and tanukah, but don't smoke marijuana if you really, really want a car. have a happy, happy, happy, happy Hanukkah. Happy Hanukkah, everybody. thank you. Great Sand Dew. this is fun looking Dew. right on. that's all of yours. good night and good luck. |
cracked | the_7_most_clearly_drug_fueled_celebrity_appearances_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and I've always sort of admired the packed Harrison Ford and Morgan Freeman apparently made to Ignore, what's cool about them in movies by wearing an earring in real life But I could never get a clear read on Ford's actual personality like based on his appearances on talk shows He's either always grumpy or sporadically incapable of processing the English language Everyone knows that you are an avid flyer you love to fly and you fly It's me yes, that's one way things fly like a bird, but you're a pilot Can you show me how a plane flies guy who I used to think was the human embodiment of techno masculinity? It really made sense to me until I heard Greg Proops's interview on the I was there to podcast with Matt Gorley great podcast By the way where he talked about his time on Star Wars episode one I get to the stoplight and they're on the strand and London right and he goes and I put the windows down and the dope The driver who took him to set each day had driven Harrison Ford to the set of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and according to Proops's driver quote Harrison Ford would smoke a bone a joint on the way to set every day It's 6 30 a.m. It's first call you'd read the script and he'd be huffing a fatty So that's on his way to work every morning Harrison Ford Insisted on getting higher than I could successfully be to watch that film the climax of proof Is that one day Ford got into the car with a saucepan and explained I ran out of papers I'll let Proops explain what happened next and one day I go to pick him up at the subway and He comes out with a saucepan With a lid on it and and gets in the back of the Jaguar and he goes the driver says to him Harry why do you have a saucepan right because he's got a kitchenette. He's got a sweet at the subway with like a kitchenette He goes I ran out of papers So he's heated up the dope you see in the saucepan and cooked it so he opens up the saucepan it goes like this And like just sticks his head in it So apparently Harrison Ford either can't or won't work unless he's uncomfortably high and suddenly every one of his late night talk show Appearances makes so much more sense watch the way he centrally massages the arms of the chair on Conan That's not even the best example There was apparently an appearance on Letterman where he appeared so clearly baked that this is the only trace of it that remains online you got any idea how miserable it is to be to be a nominated Nominated for an Academy Award Well, it's pretty safe to assume that the third Indiana Jones movie wasn't the only time in his life He got mind-bogglingly high for work his performance in The Last Crusade is so much more impressive when you realize how hard he must have Been working just to hold it together the whole time almost makes you wonder if that whole Indiana was our dog's name thing was just Connery and Spielberg trying to get him to completely loses Fact is some celebrities are just allowed to get up. There's no logic to it Bill Murray can show up to this show Literally falling out of his chair and it only convinces me that I need to party with Bill Murray before I die Joe Namath goes in for one innocent open-mouthed kiss while being interviewed on Monday Night Football Suddenly he's a creep. It's only kiss you similarly Danny DeVito can have to physically hold the vomit inside his mouth on the view And you're just like oh I know you got wet Danny DeVito a bartender by the penguin another of whatever he's drinking now You think that slash would belong to the Danny DeVito Bill Murray category But as we learn in this backstage interview There's a reason he stays quiet most of the time when you get a drunk slash talking He becomes the most absurdly annoying drunk person you've ever been cornered by at a bar You know Sometimes I like a big long mic Come to me right I was a little kid right, you know You take her so far before and all of a sudden it'd be like you you know you blah blah blah You blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, but you know, you know, she's one of the sweetest ladies I know but you pissed her off you piss her off and she she goes on she goes on a How's it go variables plectrum Plethora of Cursors, you know, it's bad when the other members of Guns N Roses are embarrassed for you Like Duff's body language is screaming at him to act less drunk and Duff eventually drank so much his pancreas exploded True story that in those days and she still does and grandma is heavy here, but she does carry her way No, she's a sweet lady, but you know, you know She's classic form on that failure to dismount from the obnoxious conversation You're drunkenly dragging forward whenever the interviewer tries to summarize his point or let the conversation Naturally drift to a topic that isn't whatever random bull just popped into slashes head slash insists.
No, no No, you don't get it. No, but you know, you know, but I know I just realized is that it'll never work It just doesn't work this won't work. This does not work So if you know not that I'm saying I'm feel like a Heineken bottle, but it just doesn't work It just doesn't work and the whole AIDS thing. It just doesn't you know, it's not gonna do anything So your grandma said a lot you don't think you can jerk off a Heineken bottle and the whole AIDS thing isn't going to Yeah, I think I got it man There's this famous Letterman appearance by Crispin Glover the actor who played George McFly in the first back to the future and was immediately Replaced on the subsequent films for being crazier than a bicycle made of babies and this appearance Glover walks out dressed like this Now keep in mind.
This is 1987 not the early 70s So if you're wearing what Crispin Glover is wearing during this interview Then you've clearly been high long enough to have gone shoe shopping well, so throughout the interview He goes from seeming as though he's surprised to be learning in the moment that there's an audience there to seeming surprised to be learning There is such a thing as an audience in general to challenging Dave to an arm wrestling match and coming within inches of jump kicking him today, then we'll just we'll just drop that and go on to something else. All right, do you Do you do do you do a lot of the television shows? Oh, yes now because I've been in Movies that are big and I'm I'm a movie star. So Now anyone oscillating that violently between fight and flight would seem to have had some chemical help perhaps a chemical with the same initials as Louisiana State University, but I also know Glover now claims it was performance art So I'm gonna let you viewers make up your mind now Here he is during his first appearance as he clearly begins to wonder if the audience is real or a figment of his imagination And here he is returning to the show a few weeks later to explain himself. I wasn't expecting one of the guests to actually kick Well, I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't make contact or Actually, but I was surprised surprised because we thought we were gonna just visit a little bit and then you Now you and you were also dressed in kind of a strange Those were not your normal clothes were they crisp and well Behaving like the highest person to ever appear on Letterman second only to himself a few weeks before he has since dismissed the claims that He was on drugs and that denial came in according to the video description an interview about his famous appearance on David Letterman Well, he's on acid So the people who interviewed him clearly found his rebuttal convincing probably the best evidence that it was all a goof is the fact That he wore the same outfit and wig for a movie But it didn't come out until four years after that initial appearance This leaves us with one reasonable conclusion crisp and Glover took so much LSD that we're all now living inside his asset Sam Phillips was the brilliant record producer who discovered Elvis and the terrible businessman who managed to do that without getting rich in the 80s he returned to the limelight by discovering new types of high to be on national TV No question about is and I think mr. Paul would tell us all that Well, you want to come over and get in on this That's a shame Sam had to leave Kicks you off the show is somewhere after renal failure on toxicology reports since he's let some pretty obviously F***ed up people stick around the reason I'm including this particular interview is because in this appearance He invents a new symptom of being too high falling irrevocably into the character of a corrupt Southern judge you know everything is Fine I've been back there with Robert and more Robert Morton, right?
We were trying to talk about me just here for a little fun Okay Well, you're lucky to be you have your teeth fixed I think funnier than watching Gene Simmons trying to get people to take kiss seriously Well dressed like kiss is watching that happen Well, one of the members of kiss is higher than a weather balloon and like three steps behind the conversation Gene Simmons who is the bass player who is the bass player? Mr. Peter Chris who was the drummer? Mr. Paul Stanley who was the guitarist and ace freely who is the lead guitarist? I'm not I'm the trout player It's called bass not bass you've made a silly mistake here, let me start laughing entirely too hard again But you're kind of like a spaceman No, actually, I'm a plumber I like to have you work on Almost heartbreakingly paternal energy to the way Gene Simmons condescends to him.
We had so much equipment that the other bands wait a minute And we used to open up for these bands it and he behaves like a seven-year-old whose feelings are hurt that they haven't recorded his laugh Yeah, wait a second. Wait a second. Have you recorded your laugh? No, we want to know these guys have been talking about recording my lap. We've done 15 albums They've never done it. Maybe on the 16,000. They will do I think you recorded on your solo album. You did Ace has been saving it for That was just a compilation Wait, have you recorded your laugh yet?
What the kind of question is that? It's Tom Snyder. Hi, too You get what to Tom Snyder?
All right in October of 1973 a coalition of Arab nations attacked Israel Which this being the middle of the Cold War meant Russia and America once again had an excuse to turn their decades-long Staring contest into a dick-measuring contest Russia eagerly unzipped and deployed nuclear warships to the Mediterranean before realizing with great embarrassment They were the only ones with their dicks out the British Prime Minister's office called the White House to have an emergency brink of global nuclear war meeting and we're told the president was Unavailable which was weird because if the Cold War was a bar fight United States was usually the guy who like has a shirt off and a chair over his head before anyone else put down their drink Why were they suddenly getting stage fright in the pissing contest? Well to quote Henry Kissinger when the British Prime Minister asked for Nixon told him no because the president is loaded That's right During one of the most precarious moments of the Cold War as the fate of the people of Earth hung in the balance Richard Nixon was repeatedly unreachable due to an acute case of the house That's what you know, I so appreciate your calling and good night That is what the Nancy Magic's pretty girl I was Nixon talking to future president Ronald Reagan about how downright f***able his wife was anyways The people who run America never told anyone their president was too drunk to drive the free world They just fired him for something else and pretended it never happened like the uptight family of wasps They are so when Russia finally had the chance to take this democracy thing for a spin They didn't know the secret lesson America had learned You're supposed to elect the guy you want to have a beer with not the guy you have to hide your beer from Boris Yeltsin became the first democratically elected president of Russia in 1991 and spent the next eight years entirely too drunk to form coherent sentences or remain reliably upright impressively He once delivered a drunken speech so embarrassing the most shameless president in American history Bill Clinton turned a shade of burgundy not meant for human faces that aren't being strangled to death for some context on why Clinton So embarrassed for Yeltsin there It's helpful to keep in mind that on that same trip the secret service had discovered Yeltsin in his underwear in front of the White House trying to hail a cab at 2 in the morning to according to him go get pizza Weird that Clinton would feel so much empathy for a natural leader who happened to be an incurable screw-up. See Russia We told you our way was better Hey guys, if you have any other examples of high celebrities, please post them in the comments So I don't have to type high celebrity question mark into the YouTube search box ever again |
cracked | terminator_2_great_movie_terrible_sequel_today_s_topic | No. Bullshit. Except I'm totally right.
Empire is not the best sci-fi sequel ever because it's not even sci-fi. It's fantasy in space. What's yours? Aliens?
Mine is T2. Terminator 2. You're really old. The villain in Terminator 2 is a liquid metal cop with knife hands. T2 is disqualified.
It doesn't respect the rules of the first movie. That makes it a bad sequel in any genre, sci-fi or otherwise.
Fine. Also, it forces me to stare at a politician's ass without the prerequisite of a sex scandal to support my disdain. In the first one, they clearly state, only living tissue could travel back in time because otherwise the robots would send some milks and boom, goodbye humanity and movies. Fortunately, there's usually a bunch of low-lifes nearby who are more than willing to donate their clothes. You forgot to say please.
Then how does the T-1000 travel back in time? This skin is made out of some sort of sciency stuff, like mimemic poly-alloys or something. It's not living tissue. No, but he needs it for the knife hands, man. Yeah, and that's about as much justification as the movie gives. James Cameron is like, shut up and watch this badass thing I made, but don't you dare think about it. Also, if the T-1000 can go back in time and his skin doesn't inhibit that, then why doesn't he just make his skin into clothes? He doesn't have to be naked, but he is. Is he an exhibitionist and an assassin?
Fine. Let's look at the premise. The second movie takes place 11 years after the first one, and then the premise of the first one was to go back in time and kill John Connor before he was born, right? And the Terminator fails. Pretend you're Skynet for a second. So you're Skynet? Yeah. Okay. Your first Terminator almost succeeded at killing Sir Connor. Why not send another Terminator immediately back to that exact same moment to finish the job?
Or send two? Or send a hundred? Well, that's a lot.
Why wait ten years for John Connor to have enough adolescent rage and minibikes to wreck your ass? And how about how the Terminators aren't supposed to feel emotion, yet the T-1000 clearly shows surprise and even a little bit of angst when you get shot with that grenade. To cap it all off, the friendly Terminator kills himself, and in his final moments of his life, he learns compassion and sympathy. James Cameron just turns him into a real boy for no reason, because people wanted it.
Just as fantasy as Empire. Knife hands, though, man. Lightsabers, though, man. Okay, T2 might be action-adventure, fine, but Empire's not sci-fi. It's fantasy in space.
Fine. Yes. Willing. Matrix Revolutions?
If it'll get you to shut up, sure. A chilling portend of the near future. Nothing will get me to shut up. If you don't shut up, I'll make you watch it.
Right now. I'll be good. Hi. Thanks for watching that video.
Um, please don't subscribe, because apparently if we get too many subscribers, I have to take my shirt off. I thought it was a joke, but apparently they're completely serious. Take off your shirt, sword. I don't, I don't want to take my shirt off. Take off your shirt, you show! I don't, I'm a human being. We need the numbers, you show them the, you take off that shirt. Yeah. |
dropout | you_re_not_purging_you_re_just_being_a_dick_ch_does_the_purge | Ok, well that should keep those maniax out. Shrap, I feel like a machete is a little much. Cynthia, I'm a master of edged weapons.
God damn it, Shivelin. God, Graham, what are you doing? Whatever I want. And today no one can stop me. Shivellllllllllllllllllllllll. I'M GONNA EAT YOUR LUNCH! What?
Purge, baby! This is how you're purging.
I can do whatever I want today and no one can judge me for it. It's not illegal to eat Siobhan's lunch. And we can all still judge you, which we definitely are. You don't have to wait until the purge is technically fine. Is it technically fine to drink expired milk?
Oh, God! I mean, yes?
Oh, fuck the USDA! Those laws aren't for you, they're for farmers.
This isn't purging! I can't hear you. I'm smoking cigarettes inside. It's not illegal to smoke inside, it's just against company policy, which I think is still in place. It doesn't affect your hearing.
Don't do that.
Stop it. Stop. Grant! Stop it!
Ahh, you don't like it, boobsy call the police. Boobsy? Johnny Long ain't coming for that one. It doesn't make you a criminal to be sexist, it just makes you a fucking douchebag.
I can't hear you. I'm gonna fuck this can alone. You keep saying you can't hear us, but wait, what?
Don't fuck it! Swear to fucking God, you're dead to me! No matter how good a hole in this can live for my penis. Do this in the bathroom! Oh, God, don't spit on it. Oh, God damn it! Put it down! No! Grant, I... You go to hell for this! This melon's about to get fucked by yours truly. You were a shootster, dick off! I was shooting him! I'm gonna fuck this melon. Grant, please! Straighten up, I don't know! No!
Oh, my God, Zach, thank you so much. Guess you can say I'm a master of...
Edge weapons. Edge weapons, right.
Yeah, me too. I'm also a... I'm also a master of edged weapons.
Crap. I don't have a camera, so it's... Is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching! |
dropout | april_fools_part_2_j_a_archives | I yelled at your aunt.
It's 6.15. It's 12.35 New York time. It's 9.15 New York time.
Whatever. Not whatever.
What are you doing? You're on vacation.
While we're out here I ain't shaving, I ain't showering, I ain't sure as hell ain't brushing. I might not even take shit. Get the fuck away from that water thing, I'm serious.
Cool. By the way, Ricky is Piazzed. He called me earlier and he's like, where the fuck are you dude? It's just you. What? Hey, where are we going now? My cousin's apartment. Okay, let me drive there. Okay, definitely not. Okay, let me drive there right now or I'm going to go back inside and fuck. Alright, what is R? What? Oh my god, do you feel that? Let me drive, bro. Okay, so what's happening?
Stop recording, please, just take the wheel. I don't know, I don't want to do this anymore. This sucks.
I'll take the wheel if you tell me who should drive. I want to drive.
Hold on to it. Okay. Chill, now you're making me nervous. Fucker VH1, I want to make it better fun. To melt the slide.
Not close. Not even close at all. I don't want to.
Jake, watch, tell me a little. Jake, it's like that episode of Seinfeld. Only not funny. With it jerking off? It's everyone's favorite episode. Yeah, the wrong episode.
Please, just look around. Does any of it look familiar? Who would be the car?
I already told you, I gave it to a valet. That's the first time you told me that because this place doesn't have a valet.
Okay, sheesh. Relax, he was wearing jeans.
He was super excited when I gave him the keys. Yeah, I bet he was. The keys to my aunt's car, right?
One second. What color is it? Light? Dick. Idea.
About how to get the car back?
No, better. I'm going to lay on the floor and you jump over me and I'll do it in slow motion. It's going to look sick. Nasty.
You lost the car. What are we doing?
It's late. It's eight. It's late thirty. Eight thirty.
And just relax. We're meeting my friends in and out. What's that? It's like McDonald's. Just shut up, please. Your friends better not be ass-tards.
Hey. Hey, what's up, man? How are you?
Oh, what's happening? Can you? Hey, sorry guys. One second. I need a word alone with my new best friend.
You said this place was like McDonald's, right? Let's go to my fucking head. You said this place was like McDonald's. Then why did they just fucking laugh at me when I ordered Chicken McNugget?
Huh? Why, you fellas.
Guy who walks bay-first into a bar. A metal bar.
Ouch. All right. Jake. Let's go. No. Right now. I mean, I'm not asking you. Yeah, you should, though. You should at least do me that, Curtis. Let's go to the... You realize this is late? Quickly? Yeah.
It's almost impressive. It's sad. |
TheOnion | Black_Conservatives_Support_Candidate_Whose_Religion_Believes_Black_People_Bear_Mark_Of_Cain | Miranda July has called before Congress to explain exactly what her whole thing is. A poll finds that Americans would be open to a third type of screwdriver head, and a new social media startup claims to be a cross between Facebook and Facebook. Dressed like that, you're practically begging for the week's news to be summarized for you. Come here, sweetheart. It's the Onion Week in Review.
Executives from fast food giant Arby's announced Monday the launch of the restaurant chain's new Grab and Go value meal, which allows customers to go behind the counter at participating franchises and carry away as much loose roast beef as they can pick up with their bare hands. The already wildly popular $2.99 deal gives patrons 15 seconds to frantically scoop up fistfuls of hot roast beef from piled-high steam trays set out on the floor, with the only stipulations being that cargo pants are not allowed and one shirt cannot be tucked into his or her pants with the intent of dropping roast beef down the collar. A lot of poaching, a lot of clawing, you gotta watch these people steal the meat right out of your hands. As long as you hold your ground, it's an unbeatable deal. I mean, look at this beef I got. Other fast food chains are beginning to follow suit, with Dairy Queen now charging customers $2.50 to drink from the soft-serve nozzle until they need to take a breath, and Krispy Kreme expected to announce a 75-cent menu option that allows patrons to bring in any food item of their choosing and dunk it in the donut purveyor's signature glaze.
According to a weird, completely unsolicited report issued by the Department of the Interior Wednesday, dry humping is an adequate sex alternative for teens. Baffled government sources said that the uncomfortably in-depth, incredibly well-researched 900-page document outlining the benefits of clothed genital stimulation over fully penetrative sex is all the more perplexing due to the subject matter falling far outside the department's purview of managing natural resources and administering programs for Native Americans. Despite its unsettling nature, some officials have acknowledged that elements of the report, specifically statistical models submitted by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to measure the pleasure coefficients of various styles of dry humping, should be commended for its rigorous objectivity, and may even be suitable for sex education curriculum.
And in science news, this week the nation's gross doctors recommended drinking eight cups of warm clam juice a day. The report, issued by the CDC's Department of Gross Medicine, specified that each serving of the room-temperature clam extract should ideally have bits of shell floating in it and should be gargled in the back of one's throat for several seconds before being swallowed. After your fourth cup of clam juice, we recommend eating whatever you find between your toes or just mixing the toe jam right into your fifth cup. It's really great for you. Gross doctors added that people with shellfish allergies can substitute a gallon of tofu runoff.
In sports, David Stern announces a new NBA supernatural investigation spinoff, NBA Nights. In other news, black conservatives throw their support behind a candidate whose religion believes black people bear the mark of Cain. The Supreme Court overturns right v wrong, and a snake gets a tattoo of a dude on its face. We're through holding your hand this week. Time to return to muddling through life with no direction and few real prospects. For more, visit theonion.com backslash Newsbeat. |
dropout | hardly_working_wadan | Hey, Dan, there's a guy on his way up from the lobby. He says he's your cousin, okay? Wait, what did he say? He was my cousin or my evil doppelganger from another dimension. I don't know what ever lay off me My god David the person you let in is wah Dan Like Wario Waluigi do you understand Dan? He's a nice guy to show him around the office. Stop being such a pooze I'm not a pooze fine Oh You've got to be kidding me Whatever I do you just do the opposite. Oh look at me. I'm on the counter That's we're target so if we increase the amount of traded hot links We can increase the amount of traffic from partner sites What if we decrease the amount of traded hot links and decrease the amount of traffic from partner sites? I Got Chinese food, so what's the opposite of that? There's no opposite of Chinese food Mexican food. That is the opposite I'm breaking up with you Okay, all right, no, that's it Here's what I'm gonna do why Dan I'm gonna stay here forever Well, then I shall leave Wait, no, no Dan how could you shut up and turn off the fucking camera? |
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