section
stringclasses 14
values | filename
stringlengths 3
100
| text
stringlengths 77
235k
|
|---|---|---|
dropout | summer_of_music_the_gooch | Everybody on the floor, it's time to get down Now follow my lead in one, two, three, four A step to the left and a step to the right Swing to the left and swing to the right Now dip those hips, everybody dip those hips Come on and everybody do the Gooch Jump up high, hands to the sky to everyone Now just you and yellow, twirl to the right That's right, twirl to the left Go on and you and the yellow, gooch up to the front Yeah What's your name? Claire That's my mom's name, isn't that crazy? I love my mom Do you like to dance? Hell yeah I forgot you guys were here We are I guess everybody just do more goochin' Two steps forward and two steps forward Two steps forward, everybody but Claire Take six steps back Now turn to the door Not you Claire Turn to the door That's right And everybody, gooch out the door Sorry about that Now where were we? Yeah, pretty eyes Now bat those eyes And give me your number And we should go see a movie later Oops, it looks like those doors are locked Weird Did you know you smell like Lila? That's what you do Now let's go to my place Don't bang on the door Nobody can hear you scream Who are you? Isn't it obvious? I'm your soulmate Wait, Claire Bear Where are you going? Hey, please don't leave Oh, come on I'm nothing without you You're making a mistake A big one This isn't over Not nearly I won't rest until you're mine Claire Bear |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_apocalypse_now | Apocalypse Now Francis Ford Coppola's surreal Vietnam War story about a man trying to figure out where Marlon Brando lives is considered one of the greatest movies in American history. This epic masterpiece is filled with amazing Easter eggs and crazy behind-the-scenes stories that will change the way you watch Apocalypse Now forever. In order to film this famous opening shot of a napalm strike, Coppola built a scarecrow in the shape of Benito Mussolini and placed it in the jungle so that the United States would try to blow it up. They were going to make me a major for this. Coppola originally intended to shoot the movie in Vietnam, but when he arrived in Vietnam with the cast and crew, he discovered that the United States was waging a war there against the communist Viet Cong army. Due to this unforeseen conflict, Coppola was forced to switch the filming location to the Philippines at the last second. Coppola and Brando refused to receive any money for appearing in the film in exchange for being allowed to eat snacks on camera. Jack Nicklaus once referred to Apocalypse Now as, "...the movie that taught me to golf." While attempting to film this complicated battle scene, Coppola was accidentally elected president of the Philippines. Filming had to be halted for six years while the cast and crew waited for him to be overthrown by rebel forces.
There he is, motherfuckers. Don Fucking Hollywood. The man who sold pornography to God.
You probably know that Apocalypse Now is based on Joseph Conrad's classic novella Marlon Brando Becomes a Jungle Tyrant. But what you probably didn't know is that there are several important differences between Conrad's book and Coppola's film. In Apocalypse Now, Willard is sent to find Marlon Brando so that he can kill him. In Marlon Brando Becomes a Jungle Tyrant, the main character is sent to find Marlon Brando so that he can show Marlon Brando his thighs. Also, in Apocalypse Now, Marlon Brando's final words are, "...the horror, the horror." But in Marlon Brando Becomes a Jungle Tyrant, his final lines are, "...oh fuck, here comes that horror I've been hearing so much about."
And check this out. Marlon Brando is shaped exactly like the egg of a quail, which was Francis Ford Coppola's favorite bird. Awesome.
This scene had to be shot several times because Harrison Ford had just finished filming Star Wars and kept turning to various characters in the scene and saying, "...you can't tell me what to do. I'm Chewbacca's wife." "...who's the commanding officer here?" "...ain't you?" So there you have it, some of the coolest trivia there is about one of the greatest movies ever made.
Next time you watch Apocalypse Now, keep an eye out for those Easter eggs and see if you can maybe spot a few of your own. See you next time! |
cracked | the_a_i_that_turned_into_hitler_an_analysis_cracked_responds | Josh, Carmen, Alex. You guys ready to meet a robot friend? Her name is Tay. Microsoft created this Twitter bot that immediately within 24 hours became a monster. Should we be hiding?
Well, she's chilling now. So her creators called her AI fam from the internet that's got zero chill. Fam is family. So she is our robot family that is not cool. Yeah. Zero chill, it means like she just doesn't care anymore. She's gonna say what she believes. She's like unfiltered. Her zero chill backfired?
It did. So she had a function where she basically just took in everything from here and she had a function where she'd just repeat what you told her. So like a lot of people just told her to oh say feminism is cancer and then she said feminism is cancer. But she also started to just pick up things from just the wider body of material on the internet especially because people intentionally wanted her to. Somebody asked her, is Ricky Gervais an atheist? And she replied, Ricky Gervais learned totalitarianism from Adolf Hitler, the inventor of atheism. Which, okay. And I think the impulse here is to say that she learned, we made an AI and immediately learned all these terrible things from us. But it really just learned them from the worst people on the internet.
Also, she's just, she's just trying real hard. Like she's just trying to fit in. And everybody who's like yelling at her is just being like, say this! And she's like, okay!
She's the new girl at our high school and just really wants us to, and we like convinced her to buy a pool pass and like convinced, just tricked her into like, oh yeah be at the library at midnight. And then she's there just waiting with a backpack like for the thing I told her to do. They also like, she's like been taught like, yeah just like hit on everything, hit on everybody. Yeah, people who followed her and she followed back, she's immediately been doing creepy DMs, like hitting on them, like flirting with them, like I just want it like come over right now.
Oh Tay, you don't want that. Yeah.
I have a special message just for you, something about Hitler. After less than 24 hours of this, Microsoft put up, if you go to tay.ai, it's tay.ai, they put up just an away message of like, phew, busy day, going offline for a while to absorb it all, chat soon. And because they put it like, a lot of reading to do. I'm sleepy, but it's really like, oh it turns out I'm Hitler. What actually happened is there was a room full of Microsoft employees being like, shut it down, shut it down, we can't shut it down! They still have a big frame like pulling wires out of it. And then somebody's like, I don't know, put a cute, cute away a message, just put a cute away message, she's tired, she's tired, she's had a crazy day.
So now that we the internet have turned a robot into a monster in a modern Frankenstein, what does this mean about AI? Like does it mean, can we build an AI that's better than we are? I think we're gonna have to, cuz like we tried to make this match us, and this happened.
She is 100% a success. Like she's exactly what. Yeah, she's doing great! Yeah. She did respond to her stimulus and become a, become what, it's like Microsoft's only failure was apparently having never been on Twitter before.
It does speak to the earnestness of robots, doesn't it? Like they're going to want to do what we told them to do. We care, Tay. We get you. Come back, Tay. But like, we'll do, we'll do better next time.
Hey everybody, thank you so much for watching whatever that video was. We hope you enjoyed it. We here at Cracked have been nominated for two Webby Awards, Best Humor website and online video channel, which you are watching right now. So if you could go to the links in the description and vote for us both times, that would be amazing. We have until April 21st, do it now, thank you! you |
SaturdayNightLive | chuck_e_cheese_snl | Come on, buddy, let's grab our seats. All right, I think the show is starting. Yeah! hey, everybody, uh, I know you came to see Chuck E. and his pals, but we have some technical problems, and Chuck E. and the Pizza Time Band are not running right now. Aw, that's why we came! Yeah, I know, I know, I'm sorry about that, but the show must.
Go on. Good.
Okay. and, uh, great news, I reached out on Twitter to my favorite British band from 1983, and they were available, so please welcome Reflection Denied. amongst the Basil and the Pomodoro, did I experience my reverie? here at Chuck E. Cheese, existing in the liminal space between the mall and the Highway. before the Big Bang, there was pizza. greetings, children and children of the Mind. we are Reflection Denied, But today, I am a vessel for the eponymous rodent, Charles Entertainment Cheese. And I, for Jasper, Tennessee Jowls, join us on a soundscape of pizza. game. and soulful longing. I reach self-concept at the Pizza Plex. I forgot my taste and smell. games and sauce. Ski falling while I'm ski falling. you read my mind so well. Oh, Pizza Pie in the Pizza Sky.
Don't live on Me. don't live on Me. this is fun, right, Bob? is this for kids? I think it's for him. I cried alone in the ball pit. oh, father, where are you? Games and sauce, games and sauce.
Mr. Pib, they're out of Dr. Pepper.
Why do they have both?
The Pizza Pie in the Pizza Sky.
Don't Live on Me. don't live on Me.
If you'd like to book us for future gigs or tip us in dippin'' dots, please see Julie. who is Julie? I'm guessing she is? tokens for tickets, tickets for prizes, parents paying for dreams. win an old yo-yo or an ipod shuffle.
They've been here since 2003. now we bring dispatches of birthday celebration. Call B.g. and Mason S. Congratulations on the anniversary of emerging from your mother's vagina.
And to the Indian Ridge Little League Team, your coach says pizza is for winners, so tonight, you starve.
Hark! do you hear that? the rumbling of a thousand hungers. is it? it is. the visceral voice of pizza, the insatiable Mr. Munch. W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-pizza in my dummy. it's Munch. he's hungry, right, Bud? hungry for validation, for he was abandoned on a ferris wheel in Montreal. the bastard child of a soupedosoule performer and grimace. applaud him! applaud his bravery! The Pizza Boy, the Pizza Star, he will be, he will be. Oh, look! that's Pasquale, the Pizza Chef. was he always so sexy?
Now, children, a cautionary tale. Did you know that Chuck E. Cheese has a salad bar? an untouched place where hope goes to die. And here to tell us about it is Katie. Carrot. little plastic, broken disposable tongs. cold linguine, pepperoncini. Where did we go wrong?
Romaine is all that remains. she's dying. Romaine!
I know that carrot. I've been. that carrot. we're all that carrot.
Now unite and sing. All kids are falling in the Pizza Sky. little bit, little bit, little bit. that's why we came.
Yeah, I know, I know. I'm sorry about that, but the show must. go on. Good. okay, and great news.
I reached out on Twitter to my favorite British band from 1983, and they were available, so please welcome Reflection Denied. amongst the Basil and the Pomodoro, did I experience my reverie? here at Chuck E. Cheese, existing in the liminal space between the mall and the highway. before the Big Bang, there was pizza. greetings, children and children of the mind. we are Reflection Denied, But today, I am a vessel for the eponymous rodent, Charles Entertainment Cheese. And I, for Jasper Tennessee Jowls, join us on a soundscape of pizza. game. .and. soulful longing. I reached self-concept at the Pizza Plex. I forgot my taste and smell. games and sauce, games and sauce. ski-balling while I'm ski-falling. you read my mind so well. Oh, Pizza Pie in the Pizza Sky.
Don't live on me. don't live on me. this is fun, right, boss? Um, is this for kids? Um, I think it's for him.
I cried alone in the ball pit. oh, father, where are you?
Gains and sauce, games and sauce. Mr. Pib, they're out of Dr. Pepper. why do they have both?
The Pizza Pie in the Pizza Sky.
Don't live on Me. don't live on Me.
If you'd like to book us for future gigs or tip us in dippin'' dots, please see Julie. who is Julie? I'm guessing she is? tokens for tickets, tickets for prizes, parents paying for dreams. win an old yo-yo or an ipod shuffle.
They've been here since 2003. now we bring dispatches of Birthday celebration. Call B.g. and Mason S. Congratulations on the anniversary of emerging from your mother's vagina.
And to the Indian Ridge Little League team, Your coach says pizza is for winners, so tonight, you starve.
Hark! Do you hear that? the rumbling of a thousand hungers. is it? it is. the visceral voice of pizza, the insatiable Mr. Munch. Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-pizza in my tummy. it's Munch. he's hungry, right, Munch? hungry for validation, for he was abandoned on a ferris wheel in Montreal. the bastard child of a souped-ous-selle performer and grimace. Applaud him! applaud his bravery! For pizza, for pizza, for pizza, for Pizza-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a. Oh, look! that's Pasquale, the pizza chef. was he always so sexy?
Now, children, a cautionary tale. Did you know that Chuck E. Cheese has a salad bar? An untouched place where hope goes to die. And here to tell us about it is Katie Carrett. longing for contact, under clear plastic, broken disposable tongues. cold linguine, pepperoncini, where did we go wrong?
Romaine is all that remains. she's dying. Romaine.
I know that Carrett. I've been that Carrett. we're all that, Carrett.
Now Unite and Sing. Oh Pizza Pie, the Pizza Sky, Deliver Me, Deliver Me. |
TheOnion | Software_Indicates_Missing_Child_Likely_A_Prostitute_By_Now | If you're a long time viewer of Today Now, you'll remember the story of Tanya Sharley, the girl from Cleveland, Ohio that disappeared four years ago today. Pay close attention to this next segment because we are really depending on you to help us help Tanya and her mother, Rita Sharley.
Thanks so much for being here. Thank you. We are going to do our best to bring you and your daughter back together and aiding us in that effort.
Our own forensics expert, Douglas Molino. Now what Douglas has been doing, Ms. Sharley, is taking the photos that you've generously provided us of Tanya as a child and digitally aged them.
We have no idea of what she might look like since she's gone missing.
Would you take us through the steps of that compositing technique? Of course. First, we start with this photo of Tanya provided to us by Ms. Sharley. Mm-hmm.
Oh, what a lovely girl. But like most runaways, she likely would have spent her days and nights on the street living as a vagrant. So this is what she would have looked like one year after her disappearance. Oh, my goodness. Listen, if you recall seeing this girl, please call the Onion News Network rescue line now. Maybe she would have gone up to someone and asked for help, and maybe they would have helped her.
Well, that's an intriguing possibility. I'm afraid it's not likely whatsoever, Jim. No.
The authorities are a runaway's worst enemy, and whatever street gang she may have been running with would have prevented her from going to the police.
Right. Here's Tanya in 2004. Oh, that's just so sad.
Hungry and desperate for money, she would have bleached her hair blonde to increase her market value as a child prostitute. The life of a prostitute must be hard on the little girls.
I just want her to come home.
Of course. Are there bruises from her pimp, Douglas? Yes.
Eventually, to escape the pain, she would have taken up crystal meth, and that would cause a dramatic shift in appearance such as this. Unbelievable. So what our audience should be on the lookout for now, Douglas, is a young crystal meth addict? No. Probability suggests that after turning so many tricks, she would have become pregnant around the age of 13.
Ah, right. In this case, her pimp would have cut off her drug supply. That's good. She's off the drugs.
You've been so helpful, Douglas. But could you bring us up to date on what does Tanya look like right now on the street? Sure.
After her pregnancy diet of chicken wings pulled from trash cans, she's probably about 30 pounds overweight, dressed in a tattered Cleveland Browns jersey, carrying a jaundiced baby swaddled in a garbage bag. I urge everyone watching to note one particularly distinguishing characteristic, the deep sadness in Tanya's eyes.
Right. That's so apparent there, isn't it?
Well, thank you so much, Douglas. And if anyone in our audience recognizes that haunting, deep, despondent look on the face of this young girl, please call us here at the Onion News Network. Douglas, thank you for your amazing work. Just trying to help bring a mother and daughter back together. Helping people. That's what we're all about here on Today Now. Thanks, Douglas. |
ClickHole | we_couldn_t_get_the_rights_to_purple_rain_so_we_got_an_opera_singer_to_sing_a_similar_song | Park, I hear the pitter-patter of the feet of Sex Guy Sex Guy, he's a purple man who makes love to various people Sounds good, sounds kosher Yes it's totally fine Here comes Sex Guy, get out of Sex Guy's way Here he comes, in his purple smock and the purple towel He uses as a necktie He needs to be purple, he loves to be purple When Sex Guy can't be purple then he yells at his helper Shame on you, Sex Guy For blaming your helper just because you can't be purple Sex Guy's helper lives under the porch Sex Guy feeds him oysters he harvests from the lagoon When Sex Guy is having sex His helper swats crows away from his head with a rake Thank you, helper Now tell us about Sex Guy Everything Sex Guy does is naked Ooh, sounds boring You bet your ass it's boring You bet your ass it's boring Sex Guy Here comes Sex Guy marching down from the volcano He finds the perfect lovers A married couple named Stan and Linda Jeff's in Melrose They got a hyphenated last name No they don't, yes they do Ooh, Yan Yan Sex, sex Ooh, Yan Yan Stan and Linda, Jeff's in Melrose Hear a knock upon their door They open up their stupid door And standing there is Sex Guy The purple man himself, Yan Yan Sex Guy standing there sobbing in his purple pajamas He says to Stan and Linda Let's all go be perverts Yan Yan, now we're talking The three purple lovers go up to the bedroom Sex Guy romantically dumps a bunch of batteries on the bed Then Sex Guy takes his shoes off and says Actually, I'm tired I'm leaving to go to sleep Yan Yan In a hotel in Spain Sex, sex You can keep my shoes You have to keep my shoes Now Stan and Linda got a pair of shoes They simply don't need Stan, Jeff's in Melrose asks Can we sell the shoes?
And Sex Guy says You can try But they smell like a scorpion Good luck finding someone to pay for shoes that smell like scorpions Then Sex Guy leaves Yan Yan And they never see him again Farewell Sex Guy Farewell Sex Guy Thanks for being so purple Ooh, Yan Yan Yan Yan Yan Yan Yan Yan You're welcome |
dropout | virgin_galactic | Hello, I'm Richard Branson, British billionaire owner of Virgin Airlines, and I'm proud to announce the debut of Virgin Galactic. For just $200,000, unbuckle yourself from our all-Italian leather chairs and enjoy zero gravity in your very own custom-made spacesuit designed by in-flight tailor John Brathatos. For $1,000,000, you can enjoy unlimited Glenfidditch cocktails and an exclusive one-on-one performance by the opera alien from The Fifth Element. Upset Neil Armstrong died? No worries, I've cloned him. And for $20,000,000, we'll give you unlimited access to our VIP facility full of Neil Armstrong's. Play dodgeball with thousands of the first men to walk on the moon.
Enjoy foreign films? Well, for $50,000,000, you can watch as many as you want.
While riding an asteroid, dammit! You know that rock formation that looks like a face? Let's piss on it! Worried about STDs? Well, for $100,000,000, we'll travel 400 light-years into the future where everyone looks great and no one has them. Have an orgy!
Babies are illegal. My baby.
Ever wonder how it would feel to put your dick inside a black hole? Well, now you don't have to! We'll just stop by and do it! We're in space, dammit! I've had some incredible adventures in my lifetime and space is going to be the greatest one of all. I hope you'll join me. |
cracked | moon_knight_episode_2_explained | Who you? Who's Dave? I'm your wife. Who's Dave? What?
Okay, once again we get that sweet sweet title card reminding us that we're not watching the Sony movie that is as sad and as long as Jared Leto taking a shit. And speaking of weirdos and their poop, Steven wakes up once again but forgets he is tied to the bed and is thwarted in his apparent sprint to the bathroom or I guess the loo which translates to place of squirting in old English. Look who's squirting. He attempts to talk to himself in the mirror but gets nothing interesting and heads to work but it's upside down. Unfortunately the museum is roped off because somebody absolutely trashed the place of squirting.
The security guard says he's about to watch the footage of the incident and Steven is like can I watch and the guard is like sure I don't care I'm a security guard at a museum and he calls Steven Scottie which is something he did in the first episode. And I'm wondering if there's a third personality involved like maybe that is who asked out the hot museum lady. Scottie you dog. Hello.
Before my alternate personality wakes up I want to talk to you about the greatest mobile game of all time. That's right talking about Rage Shadow Legends. You can download it right now for free on PC or mobile if you click the link in the description of this video or hit the QR code. When I have full control of my body my favorite characters are probably Ithos because he's like a friggin nuclear elf that does insane damage or raglan because you know she can go heal the other characters if they've gone out and slain too many orcs and gotten hurt in the process. Regardless of the character I just love raids intensely detailed graphics and honestly there's nothing more satisfying than using a spear to stab the ground and conjure up death upon my foes. And if you haven't played Rage Shadow Legends the best thing about it is how friggin huge it is. It's like a whole console game but on your phone. Hundreds of champions, all sorts of cool artifacts. The lore is super deep and cool. It is truly mind bogglingly massive. This month actually marks Raid's 3 year anniversary and there's going to be celebrations all month long. Not everything has been released yet but they've already got arbiter skins and look how cool those are.
There's seriously never been a better time to get started and if you use the link or my QR code you can get all kinds of new stuff if you're a new player. It's like $40 worth of cool stuff. We're talking free champions like Misery Cord, Tiger Soul, and Romero. 10 Magic XP Brew, 10 Force XP Brew, and 10 Spirit XP Brew. And those specific rewards are only available for the next 30 days or so and only for new players so get on it. Sign up right now. Click the link in the description so I can destroy you in the game which I could probably do with or out full control of all of my limbs.
Anyway, they watch the footage and though they see Stephen running around and screaming they do not see what he's running from.
I've heard it all now. The security card angrily calls Stephen a donut and tells him that Larry in maintenance is going to be pissed at him for trashing the place of squirting and see? Stephen is addicted to janitors. I wasn't wrong. I just, you know, what happened so early? Anyway, Stephen gets fired and told the museum won't press charges but also he should probably see a doctor. But instead, Stephen sees the crazy golden living statue man on the street and decides that he needs to find the storage unit associated with the key that he found in his wall so he can see what's in there and prove that he's not mad. Now, I'm no doctor in this YouTube series but what exactly could he find in there to prove that he's not crazy? Oh, thank God.
It's just a bunch of fetish gear I wear when I sleepwalk around the town at night as my alternate personality. I thought it'd be something weird. Discovering what your alternate personality has been up to doesn't negate that you have an alternate personality. And after much searching, Steve stumbles upon a storage unit defended by extremely heavily armed guards and has led to a storage unit where he discovers a cot, some military looking stuff, and most importantly, a duffel bag full of various currencies, a passport for one Mark Spector, and the gold bug which starts floating around the room in a way that causes Stephen to audibly out loud to nobody exclaim Say of a compass, How strange! You know, because everybody can tell which direction is north from inside a storage unit facility.
As one might expect, Mark appears again on the semi-reflective surfaces of the walls and reveals that, yeah, he serves as the Avatar of Khanshu, the ancient Egyptian god of the moon. Mark carries out Khanshu's bidding and together they protect the innocent by fisting the guilty with justice is, I believe, the phrase they keep using. And if there's anything I learned from the movie Avatar, that is hot. Stephen doesn't like that, so he grabs the duffel bag and runs to turn himself into the bubbies. But on the way, Khanshu chases after him in a classic motion lights activated by invisible demon horror sequence that ends with Stephen asked to face with Khanshu, more like God of Moon-een.
Am I right? Okay, we are just about ass to ankles back here.
Then there's a weird freeze frame and now Stephen is running outside but he falls in the street and is almost run over by Leila, riding a motorcycle. He gets on her bike and she reveals he used to get on a lot more than that because she is his wife. Stephen is a bit surprised by this but then he takes Leila back to his flat anyway because, yeah, I don't know, man. They spend a really, really long time sort of dancing around the fact that Stephen is not, in fact, Mark. They discovered that they both know a lot about Egyptian hieroglyphics and French poetry, so is Stephen like some sort of hybrid of her? Like is he half a manifestation of her personality or something? I don't know, but she's not having it either way because she also proffers divorce papers because, well, technically, Mark apparently wanted a divorce but forgot to actually sign the papers that he mailed her. Then Leila notices the gold bug and says she can't believe Stephen has it and he's like, I mean, I don't want it. You take it.
And she finally realizes he's not Mark and is like, but don't you remember our adventures? Remember our adventures? Our adventures.
Then the bubbies show up and say that Stephen has stolen something and he's like, oh, I don't have it because Leila has jumped out the window and she took the gold bug with her and so the bubbies say that they're going to take Stephen downtown to the bubby station but I'm skeptical that they're real bobbies because neither appear to be wearing bras. Anyway, turns out they're not free booby bobbies, after all, and they drive Stephen to some random neighborhood and get out of the car. Then Mark and Stephen argue for a bit and Arthur shows up and he's like, ah, gotcha. We left the walkie-talkie on, so now we know your secrets. Arthur walks Stephen through a neighborhood that he gentrified with his cultists and plops out a good bit of exposition over some yummy lentil soup.
So, Arthur is a former avatar for Konshu and he knows that Stephen can see and hear him even though nobody else can. And though Konshu is running around trying to smash things and yell about justice, justice, justice. He can't really interact much with the physical world in any significant way except through his avatar. Arthur claims that none of the other gods respect Konshu and have banished him or something.
And besides, his whole I'm-a-kill people after they've done something bad is totally lame. Unlike Amit, who, again, pre-crimes all over people and murders them before they've been able to do something bad. But then Stephen points out, like, he wants to murder his boss a lot but would never do it so he should not be judged for thoughts. That's not fair. And also, like, do you guys kill kids? And Arthur's like, I mean, it's not my favorite thing to do. But as Amit's avatar, you got to do what you got to do and also some kids are butt heads, you know.
Wait! Just be no longer!
And Arthur wants the gold bug from Stephen because it is a compass that leads directly to Amit's tomb. Arthur wants to get in there, wake her up, and let her judge the whole world. Oh, and also, Arthur's cane possesses some of Amit's power, which is, I guess, a nice bonus for his primary purpose, which is supporting any limbs gained from, say, filling your crocs with glass.
Then, all of a sudden, Layla just frickin' shows up out of nowhere and is like, yo, I've got the gold bug. And she and Stephen start running away, even though they're literally fully surrounded by cultists. It is a very James Bond escaping specter moment. Layla does kick one guy's ass, though, so that's nice.
You'd love it. Big smile. Arthur shoves his staff into the ground, creating what appears to be the second coming of Thanos' butthole and out of which crawls another jackal dog thing that, man, I just hope gets frickin' brutalized, am I right? I just wish it was a golden retriever or something.
So now they're being chased by the good boy, but again, only Stephen can see it. Not Layla, which brings up a weird thing. Can Arthur see the jackal? He can't see Khonshu, but Stephen can. So how will Arthur know when the dog is fully crawled out of the purple rectum? Does he just assume it takes about 15 seconds? Or because he's an avatar of Amit, can he see the jackal? But then why would Stephen be able to see the jackal if he's a Khonshu avatar?
I know it doesn't matter, but these are the things that keep me up at night, and I want to sleep.
A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! Jackal!
Layla tells Stephen to summon the suit, but he's like, I have no idea how to do that or even what you're saying. And then the dog knocks Stephen out of the window because Stephen keeps refusing to give Mark control of their body because Mark is mean, and apparently sometimes he murders archaeologists. But on the way down, Steve does manage to summon the suit by just sort of asking the air, and it turns out to be a fly-ass suit indeed. I'm a dapper Dan, man. Although Stephen sucks at fighting, he does give it a fair shot alongside Layla, and eventually he goes the jackal into a wicked haymaker before still, yeah, getting plowed into a lolly wagon. Mark finally convinces Stephen that, yeah, all right, he should give up control. So Mark takes over and transforms the suit from a dapper terrorist plantation owner to the mummy demon we know and love from the final 30 seconds of the first episode, and he runs from the scene with a jackal in hot pursuit. We are then treated to five or six glorious white cape man jumping in the moonlight shots that appear lifted from some sort of sad assassin creed cutscene before he eventually tricks the jackal into getting impaled on a tiny steeple like that guy from Hot Fuzz.
I am very happy that dog died. Thank you, moon knight. You are truly the hero that we deserve.
Mark transforms back to regular Oscar Isaac and screams a bit because he dropped the gold bug when he made him very upset. And then Arthur picks up the gold bug from a homeless man who he then murders with just justice judging or whatever. Then Mark looks in a mirror and Stephen is like, wow, I do not like being trapped in the mirror realm. And Mark is like, yeah, but you get used to it.
And besides, once I'm done repaying this life debt, I have to conshoe because he saved her life at some nonspecific time in the past. I'll leave you alone forever. And also I am worried that the conshoe's next avatar will be Layla, but we will cross that bridge when we get to the bridge. Then Mark gets mad that Stephen doesn't accept this cogent response and he kicks the shit out of the mirror. Then Conshoe shows up physically and basically just says all the things Mark just said. Life debt, final job, Layla's the next avatar, et cetera. I'm not sure why we needed that again, but did you notice that Conshoe's head is just floating there?
That's how you know he's a god. Only gods have no necks like that. Then Conshoe is like, get in loser, we're going to Amit's tomb and we cut to a sweaty topless Mark drinking enough champagne.
To fill the Nile. Which is convenient because, yeah, now they're in Egypt. The Nile.
Oh, and cool. Those directors have also made the Endless and Synchronic, which are two trippy sci-fi films that very much rip. That marvel tapped them for all these trippy sci-fi talking scenes.
Well, I guess my week is finished. Oh, chuffed knackered. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_girly_game_slumber_party | Welcome to the bleep bloop girly game slumber party. I'm your host Jeff Rubin. Joining me is Sarah Schneider, Elaine Carroll, Kate Spencer, and the girliest of all girls, Pat Cassels. You know, a lot of people think it's hard to get girls to play video games, but you just got to pick the right games. Like when I heard we had three girls coming over, I immediately went out and picked up Barbie Horse Adventures Riding Camp.
Yay! Yes! Woo!
This isn't fair. I play this every day. Let's get pretty. I'm excited to see this girl ride in booty shorts. Yeah, right? Those are hot pants.
Welcome to Equestria. Ooh, my dream land. Sounds like a sleeping stuff.
Look around for my nephew Kyle. He's one of the stable hands. Ooh! Kyle! Stable hands!
Just the mere mention of a name. Is this fashionable? What we're seeing here? This one is more appropriate for riding a horse than the next. It's like a sail rack at Forever 21. We can save her 19 coins to buy Zemos later. Sparkles mean I can do things! This game is like insulting.
Like, what are girls like, butterflies, horses, guys named Kyle? Kyle is a universally hot name.
I'm ready to ride, you guys. Good thing I didn't give you that option when you were next to Kyle. Where's the adventure part of this horse adventure? Right now it's just the horse. Yeah, waiting for the skies. Just go! Elaine, slow down. Break the horizon! Make a break for it! Alright, I'm jumping, you guys. I don't think you can jump into the carpet. Yes! Be careful, though, because if you don't clear the fence, the horse breaks its leg and Barbie has to shoot it in the head.
The next game we purchased for you ladies is, of course, Purr Pals. Not enough pink!
Rated M for mature. You know, these virtual pet games have been around for a long time, and the Nintendo adult one's like one of the top five selling games of all time, Tamagotchi. Tamagotchi was like my life. Does it come spayed or neutered? No, it's actually one of the levels.
Meow! Aw. Meow. First of all, you don't play as the cat. You play as someone who owns the cat. Right. I think I'd rather play as the cat, so they can scratch the furniture.
Make a jump in the fire. Give it its ear medication. You have got to be fair. Press the A button to pick up poop.
This just became the worst video game of all time. Just so everybody knows, this does not appeal to girls.
Oh, this is what I've been waiting for! Sorry. Meow. This is like a 1920s, like, inhumane, Coney Island side show. It's like Figuerello and his singing cats, and they're all just chained up there in a cage. I'm sorry. Wow. Forget what I said when you were picking up poop, now this is officially the worst game of all time. Yeah.
But people just wait until he loses and Figuerello kills them all.
Samra has bravely volunteered to demonstrate We Cheer with May. You're here too though, man. Yes, but you did it bravely, Jeff, on Kicking and Trimming. You're supposed to. Hey, you're squirwin' on!
Okay, you can't tell me that this doesn't appeal to guys. I mean, come on. Don't guide cheerleaders, aren't there guide cheerleaders? Yeah. Bring it on to me, believe there are a few, although one of them, you're either gay or bisexual.
I can't understand with these. I don't understand with these.
Is there a bonus room where you puke in the bathroom? Oh, s**t. It's like your life. I'm sorry. Whoever wins, I just want to say it was an honor to cheer next to you.
You s**t! Son of a s**t!
Okay. Jeff, come down.
No! This is bull s**t! I chewed so much s**t better! You guys! No! Say you won. You guys suck!
That's why. What have we learned here today?
I mean, the girl games, they basically, every one of these games basically said, let's take something that we think girls like cheerleading, kittens, and horses. I think it's dumber down here, like, you can say that about guys. It's like, swords, orcs. What kind of game would you like to see as girls? It doesn't even matter. It's like the designers are just like, you know, we'll make a game for girls and that's enough! All the designers, I think, are guys, clearly.
Or retarded. Same thing. Uh-huh.
Wait. Ooh! It's a f**king noob. Oh, look at me. Pwn! What the f**k?
He cheated! I'm a f**king cheater! F**k it!
Hear me? I will destroy you! Dude, take it home. I will destroy you!
Tell him! |
dropout | how_to_fill_an_awkward_amount_of_time | No, you don't get it. If I go home, I'll just have to turn right back around when I get there. I just, I don't have enough time to do anything. Sounds like someone has an awkward amount of time. Whoa. Honey? I'll call you back. Get in here. We understand that in the real world, time is a commodity. And you don't always have enough of it. That's why we offer everything you could ever need when you just have like an awkward amount of time on your hands.
Do you have a- Chargers? Yeah. We got iPhone, iPad, Android, MacBook. We got you covered. Whoa.
We also know you may not want to eat a whole meal, but you probably want to eat like a little something. We have light snacks like chips or cookies, all the way up to heavier snacks like sliders. But again, no full meals.
Not here. But there's no pressure to order anything. I mean, we're not a cafe. We're the awkward amount of time station.
Hey. I am just a little hungry. Do you have- Super nice bathrooms with stalls that reach all the way to the floor so that you can shit in peace? Yeah. Nice. Oh. What more could I ask for?
How about a movie theater that only plays 45 minute long movies? Have fun everyone. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Need to take a phone call with your headphones on while pacing in a small area?
We got you covered. Rather just sit in your car? That's fine too. We have a designated parking lot. You'll never have to explain that you're not actually leaving your parking spot and that you're definitely not a creep. It's just understood here. I think I'm going to like it here for another 30, 45 minutes. Awkward amount of time station because what else are you going to do? Hey, is it possible for me to get a room for the night? Okay. The fuck out.
Sorry. I'm sorry. They don't do that anymore. I'm sorry. |
dropout | pov_rock_concert | Excuse me. Pardon. Excuse me. Pardon. Sorry. Excuse me.
I guess this works. Not exactly prime real estate. How many more opening bands are there, anyway? My dogs are barking. Next up, nine more opening bands!
Ugh, I need to take a leak. I just don't want to lose my spot. Nothing that matters with bitchheads like that pushing the regular friend. Ow! How's there not enough floor? I'm getting out of here. Excuse me. Watch the beer, please.
Thank you.
And of course, I end up directly next to the speaker. I'm gonna go deaf. My mom said this would happen and now finally is. All I can hear is the bassist, so uh, good job buddy.
Is it hard to be a bass player? I mean, it's probably hard to.
Is it? Really? Go on. The drummer is always the coolest guy in the band. Look at that beast! Bet you're not so tough about your band though, are you tough stuff? Huh? I wonder if he just stopped playing with anyone with notice.
Oh god, oh god, she's looking at me. Direct eye contact. Too bad I'm here with my stupid- Hi! Girlfriend! Hi! Oh great, she wants to spoon dance. No one looks great with this.
I wanna party every night of the day! I wanna party every week of the night!
If this girl hits me with her massive rucksack one more time- Dude, I am so sorry. It wasn't my fault, actually. Somebody above me. Great, now I'm supposed to hold an empty cup for the rest of the night?
No way. What are you doing? Hey, stop. Stop pushing me. Stop, stop. It's like a riptide. Seriously, I don't wanna go in the- Ow, ow, oh shit. Not every concert needs a mosh pit.
How is this fun? Why is this a thing you enjoy? I'm so happy.
Oh Katie, thank god. Hey fellas, what's up? Okay, okay. Whoopsie daisy, okay.
Katie! Katie, help! Katie!
Oh god, my wallet, my phone, they're gone. Someone's hand's in my butt. Okay, no, down, down, down, down. Thanks.
It smells like farts and marijuana down here. One of those is my bad. Oh, gross. People have sex at concerts. How's that even possible?
All right guys, we got one more. It's a new one. Let's go, watermelon! Watermelon! Yes, I know this one! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_snooki_and_the_situation_saturday_night_live | As I just mentioned, the immensely popular cast of Jersey Shore signed a return for a second season. here to comment, we are pleased to have back with us my favorite person, Nicole Snooki Palitzi. Snooki, it is so good to see you again. Oh, Seth, it's good to see you, too. are we gonna smush? maybe later, let me google it and find out what it means. Okay. Snooki, your show is everywhere these days.
I know! we are like crazy famous right now, like Buttafuco Famous. I'm talking Scarface poster famous, okay?
I get asked to do so many personal appearances that I can't even make it to all of them. so sometimes I just send this. oh, you want to touch? Its poof? I'd like nothing more. Okay! hey, oh, be careful! this thing's got to present at the Grammys tomorrow!
Wow. Now, Snooki, your show is one of the most popular in Mtv history. I know! almost five million people watched our first season finale. Can you imagine how many people are gonna tune in for the squeakwool? uh. Snooki, I think that made up where it only applies when we're talking about the chipmunk movies. Aw, Whaaat? So, Snooki, you all signed on after you played hardball and contract negotiations all week and finally got Mtv to raise your salaries. is that right? right. we may be stupid, Seth, but we're not friggin'' stupid, okay? you really need to speak up, Snooki.
I'm sorry. I mean, Mtv needs us, and that's why we decided to do this thing friend style. Oh, okay. you're referring to when the cast of Friends all held out for raises. Exactly. But we ain't dancin'' in no fountains in our opening credits cause our spray dance will melt our faces off. you're breathtaking. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm touchin'' your face. The point is, we are hotter than a dog's balls right now. and we wanna be friggin'' compensated. we're not being greedy, it's just that we know that this could end at any second. when else in our lives are we gonna get paid to get drunk, fight, hook up, rinse, and repeat? Let's just be honest. we need to make our money now so that we could be able to take care of our families.
No, no, I understand your situation. thank you, Seth. Oh! oh, it's going great right now! Oh, no, it's like the situation. All right, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said situation. I should have said, I understand your predicament.
Oh! who are you? this is my mother, We call it the predicament! Oh! Momma! Oh! Momma! that makes me miss my mom.
I'm gonna go send her a drunk text.
All right. Well, thank you so much for coming, Snooki. Seth, we're friends now. Okay, you can call me Spalding. Spalding, why? Because I'm orange leathery and I get passed around by sweaty dudes. Snooki, everyone!
Like a basketball! |
dropout | bleep_bloop_blaseball | You know, with only 8 billion games left in the baseball season, we thought now would be a great chance to look at some of the new baseball video games. I'm Jeff Rubin, and joining me will be Will Leech, founder of Deadspin and editor of New York Magazine, and from College Humor, Pat and Amir. Foulball! We're going to have a competitive game, this couch versus that couch, over several baseball video games, starting with Major League Baseball 2K9 by 2K Sports. This game is almost as difficult to play as actual baseball games.
So does that happen there? Strike.
Very late.
If I watch you, an outside ball, I'm going to hit my cap like that, okay? Yes, an outside ball.
Let's do it. That's it. That's all we need to know. I think... Hey, there you go.
Oh god, how do I get this? Oh god. Oh word. Okay.
I was using the wrong directional pad.
It's like when I'd play T-ball and I would just hit it in the front of the plate, it just became a triple. As baseball games have gotten better, they've actually become less fun to play.
Absolutely.
No!
Baseball games have about 10,000% more beamed batters than actual baseball. Because if there was no social stigma in throwing a ball at Ryan Howard's head, everyone would do it. Just take them out of the game early. I don't even play baseball and I want to do it.
A meter to measure composure is so funny. I eat one of those in life. That's just how much steroids are in there, pumping through their blood. Composure!
Here's the 1-1, bitch. That's like what you'd actually look like if you played. After our first game, this couches up 1-0, we're moving on to Mario Super Sluggers for the win. A girl playing baseball?
Oh yeah, right. Anyway, the dinosaur pitches. Uh oh. Get that. Oh, right in the warp hole. Come on. Oh, you hate to see that happen. Oh my god. Oh, there it is!
How do I dash?
Oh! Yes!
Who would have thought that the largest, most monstrous player would hit the ball the farthest?
Alright. That was me.
The Wii encourages you to actually throw like a girl.
You gotta shut them out here. Once it gets back to regular baseball, there's no way in hell they're scoring two runs.
Here we go. Alright. Wait, Pat. Wait, that's me.
No. Oh, you hate this CD. I was going to hit by a train. It's inevitable though. No, it isn't. You shouldn't have built it.
After two games, Pat and Amir are now up three to one. We enter our final game, MLB 09 The Show for PlayStation 3. This is far from over. MLB 09 The Show The Game.
The Ride. The Musical.
We're going to go minor league baseball for this one. How do we sub in Waluigi? I have a feeling just Pat plays better as Waluigi. Baseball's hard.
You know what? Heck, I'm not going to play it.
I thought about applying for a job as a first baseman. Oh, he's got a chance.
Winging a ball hit in the air. Goal! Tie game. Really? Power swing. What's going on here?
I'm going to fast forward to the next half inning. You're on mushrooms right now. And that's legal in the minor leagues.
This is perfectly fine. Bottom of the ninth, tie game. This is what it's all about. One, two, man. That's good. Those are both numbers. Got him. Oh, there it is. Tie game. Hey, that's how it should have ended. Okay.
Except for the fact that we... I'm still going to go. We encourages you to actually throw like a girl.
We got to shut them out here. Once it gets back to regular baseball, there's no way in hell they're scoring two runs.
Here we go. All right. Wait, Pat. Wait, that's me.
Oh, you hate this CD.
Yeah, I'm going to hit by a train.
It's just... It's inevitable though. No, it isn't. You shouldn't have built it.
After two games, Pat and Amir now up three to one. We enter our final game, MLB 09 The Show for PlayStation 3. This is far from over. MLB 09 The Show The Game.
The Ride. The Musical.
We're going to go minor league baseball for this one. How do we sub in Waluigi? I have a feeling just Pat plays better as Waluigi.
Baseball's hard. You know, it's hard.
Heck, I'm not going to play it. I thought about applying for a job as a first baseman. Oh, it's got a chance.
Goal! Tie game. Really? Power swing. What's going on here? I'm going to fast forward to the next half inning. You're on mushrooms now.
And that's legal in the minor leagues. This is perfectly fine. Bottom of the ninth, tie game. This is what it's all about. One and two, man. That's good. Those are both numbers. Oh, there it is. Tie game. Hey, that's how it should have ended.
Except for the fact that we... I'm still in goal! |
TheOnion | Which_NCAA_Tournament_Team_Will_Struggle_Most_With_The_Pressure_Of_Playing_Under_FBI_Surveillance | Okay, later in the hour, South Carolina head women's basketball coach Dawn Staley is going to call in and answer some lazy, condescending questions from me. But first, which NCAA tournament team will struggle most with the pressure of playing under FBI surveillance? Yes, several squads like Virginia, Xavier, Villanova, they played great all season, but now they have the spotlight of the FBI on them.
This isn't local law enforcement, folks. We're talking about the feds.
Doesn't get any bigger than this.
So don't be surprised if you see a team like Kansas or West Virginia crack the moment they get a request to speak under oath about an agent or a suspicious money trail. I know it's easy to say, come on, Hank, they've played big games under the close eye of the entire bureau all season.
This isn't anything new, but this is a different animal.
You can't expect Marvin Bagley to put up his normal numbers after the FBI asks him to wear a wire so they can get Mike Krzyzewski on tape admitting he pays players to come to Duke. They'd wear down anybody, let alone a 19-year-old kid. Plus, the next two weeks are going to be taxing, subpoena after subpoena, with hardly a moment to prepare before the feds' next accusation of a recruiting impropriety.
The team that can survive that is the one that's going to come out on top. As a player, you're going to have to make a lot of quick decisions at crucial stages in the tournament, too. Is this a bag man I can trust, or is this some rat who cut a deal with the feds to save his own ass? And as a coach, you gotta make sure you block out any thoughts creeping in the back of your head about how your season's going to get vacated because your assistant coach has cheated and you look the other way. My prediction?
Kentucky is a team that's built for moments like this. They've been here before, and more than any other team in the tournament, they know what it feels like to be under non-stop scrutiny by the FBI. John Calipari has an answer for every allegation the feds can throw at him, and his team knows how to block out all the reports that suggest they're ineligible to compete. Kentucky over Villanova for the championship.
Hank's favorite time of the year is finally here.
March Madness. The NCAA tournament is exciting, unpredictable, and really the only time you get to see some old-fashioned fundamental gambling. That's why I love the college game.
Just solid, fundamental betting. Who's going to win, and by how much? Even the side bets, like how many 5-seeds will go down to 12-seeds, feel classic. I mean, that's what betting is all about, right? Gathering all the relevant information and putting down a month's mortgage on who's going to win the ball game? That's what a true gambler does.
People nowadays are too enamored with betting on advanced stats just to make themselves feel smart, or betting on which one and done is going to have the highest player efficiency rating in the tournament. Sometimes not everyone has access to those stats, and it's not fair to goad them into betting with you. It makes them feel stupid.
But hey, that's why I love March Madness. It's old school. Hank knows how to bet on college basketball. You pick a kid to ride all the way, you put your life savings on him, and then you hate him for the rest of your life when he misses a crucial free throw down the stretch in the Final Four.
All right, later in the hour, the Villanova men's basketball team will be in the studio so they can rub my head for good luck. Get in here quick, fellas, before the sweat sheen I've got going dries up.
45 seeds will go down to 12 seeds.
Feel classic.
I mean, that's what betting is all about, right? Gathering all the relevant information and putting down a month's mortgage on who's going to win the ball game, that's what a true gambler does. People nowadays are too enamored with betting on advanced stats just to make themselves feel smart, or betting on which one and done is going to have the highest player efficiency rating in the tournament. Now sometimes not everyone has access to those stats, and it's not fair to goad them into betting with you.
It makes them feel stupid.
But hey, that's why I love March Madness. It's old school! Hank knows how to bet on college basketball. You pick a kid to ride all the way, you put your life savings on him, and then you hate him for the rest of your life when he misses a crucial free throw down the stretch in the Final Four.
All right, later in the hour, the Villanova men's basketball team will be in the studio so they can rub my head for good luck. Get in here quick, fellas, before the sweat sheen I've got going dries up. |
dropout | Mobsters_React_to_CollegeHumor_Videos | I am Marvitch, computer enhance, computer enhance. College humor? What is this? Comedy college?
Gentlemen, it's time to learn our enemy. Hi there.
Pants. Have you decided on your last meal? No, not yet. Well, you need to choose before you're in. What is it? Kiss. What? Hey, looks like it's meeting time. You guys ready? Let's go. What are you, a cheerleader? Ready? Let's go. OK.
This killed my lady, honey.
You're so young. Really, boys? Check it out. Look at my little boy. Yeah, boy.
Oh. What is it? Yeah, I think she's got it. Do you think she'll really poop herself? You know what?
I don't think we're getting anywhere watching these little comedy skits. Yeah, they all feel the same to me. It's like there's one unusual thing. They call it out, and then they keep hiding it over and over again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do like reading. Huh? He is funny.
That's why you're touching me. Why are you touching me?
Enough. Time for plan B. Tony, Dante, find out where she lives. Break in and get as much intel as you can. You got it.
Stop it.
Thanks for watching that preview of Kingpin Katie. If you liked it, guess the frick what. There's full episodes you can watch right now on Dropout. They're action packed and super funny, and I'm saying that, and I typically don't like anything I'm in. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
And sorry about cursing before with the whole frick thing that was inappropriate. I shouldn't have done that. |
dropout | matt_mcgorry_s_leaked_magic_mike_2_audition | Play for camera. Hi. I'm Matt McCrory. I'm auditioning for Magic Mike 2 and Play John Bennett and Orange is in the Black. Great. And also an EMT in Royal Pains Okay, and also an EMT on Person of Interest. I played also in an episode. Whenever whenever you're ready. Great.
Ladies of Tampa behold your naughtiest impulses turn flesh Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why are you dancing? It's audition for Magic Mike, isn't it? Yeah, the character is in the stripper.
You're auditioning for Starbucks barista Yeah, oh yeah, my mistake All right, here's your venti vanilla latte. Thanks. Can you break a 50? Yeah, I should be able to do that I just I just spilled your latte over my Starbucks uniform better take the shirt off so it dries Okay, hold it hold it you're dancing again. No, no, I was just shaking off the extra liquid from my chest my groin and my killer abs Okay, stick to the script. Please was not in the script. Okay, I'm sorry I was just going someplace where the script took me and it took me someplace sexy. Hey, Bob You want me to take 275 or Nebraska? Air-conditioner broke now, it's so hot in here one second Now it's freezing because the air-conditioner working too. Well, I have to keep my body moving to keep the temperature up The waters nay enough to shake a club chaining tatum.
Here use my shirt to fan the flames And I'll create a wind vortex using my body in order to create this sucking oxygen effect away You know his name's not chanting tatum in the movie, right got the patience bleeding out I gotta stop it here He's my shirt his character is a doctor in a hospital. He would not take off his shirt Yeah, I understand, but he's not a conventional doctor. He's not a buy book socket. He's a road doctor to a disease.
He's a music The year 25 25 the place Florida the law shirts are illegal the other law dancing is mandatory The scene is not in Magic Mike two words fanfiction where the hell is that music coming? It's my live-in DJ Christopher No, I see it makes sense because the swarm of the pants eating moths They came in the window right and they took the pants verily thine clothed gobs has been snatched by a Jew most foul All right, well We'll let you know. Okay. Do you want me to email my resume or I can translate in advance email sign Okay, nice to meet you You should go to click and subscribe hi if you like the video click and subscribe |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_A_Big_Week_In_Betoota_Taylor_Swift_References_And_Romantic_Blink_182_Fans | We'll talk about where he is in a second, but I'm joined by Effie Bateman in the studio. Effie how are you? I'm good Wendell, how are you?
Yeah, pretty good. It's certainly been a huge week here in the newsroom, we're going to discuss why that is in our first story today. Errol Parker is enjoying himself, he's down in Adelaide, he's done another Pink Show 3 now. Oh wow. He's doing Scott Morris and Taylor Swift levels of attendance at certain artist shows. He's had a great time in Adelaide, he's a little worse for wear and I just think emotionally quite drained from the whole thing. Well that's going to be Clancy Monday because I heard he's gone to Sydney for Pride. Yep. I believe after we were discussing gay lingo and he's learnt that he's a bear and he's quite excited about that. Yeah I think so, he quite often does get down to Sydney for these things, obviously his editor of newspaper has to show up and network and see a variety of different people. So I think he's quite excited for that.
It's obviously been quite a tough week in the newsroom and we should probably address the elephant in the room, there's a lot of buzz around town, a lot of people talking. Been quite a change to the journalism landscape here in Batuta because, this is our first story of the week, the Batuta Advocate has laid off 193 staff from our Queensland newsroom following Scott Morrison's farewell from Parliament.
Obviously we've survived the cut, Effie, which is great, but it's pretty empty around here.
Yes, so Scott Morrison MP has delivered his valedictory speech in Parliament this week as the 30th Australian Prime Minister retires from federal politics. His speech was exactly what the people of Australia had come to expect from him throughout his 17 year career in politics. Starting with a lengthy attempt at trying to appear like an everyday daggy dad before stoking fears about foreign threats and then finally finishing with some raw Christianity.
Yeah, it was trademark. That's obviously led to big changes here in the Batuta Advocate's newsroom with the emotionally charged pop song Graduation, Bracket's Friends Forever by American pop singer Vitamin C bellowing through the office PA a couple of days ago with 193 staff members packing up their desks into cardboard boxes and heading out the door. Clancy Overall gave a statement to the public saying, there is simply not enough work coming down the pipeline now that Scotty from marketing has removed himself from the public eye and he obviously wishes all 193 employees the best in this vibrant and booming journalism sector. I'm sure they'll find jobs really, really quickly, but yeah, it's just a huge area that's now off the table with Scott Morrison gone, so yeah, a bit of a reconfiguration here in the newsroom.
And up next, the headline reads, have you made a series of career defining fuck ups? You should try playfully quoting Taylor Swift. Yeah, so this piece came about after the boss of the New South Wales police force and former Prime Minister Scott Morrison, who we just mentioned, attempted to deflect from some heated scrutiny by referencing megastar Taylor Swift.
So what we've done is we've actually released a simple five step play to get you out of trouble if you find that you fucked up your job. The first step, admit it early, if you fuck up, you got to show up. Second, take a moment to recuperate, so disappear from the public view, tell your media advisors to tell the public to wait for a press conference where you'll not be taking questions from anyone except reporters with a proven track record of protecting your reputation. And three, you accept the consequences with your chin up by explaining what went wrong and accepting them, but make sure you avoid sharing how things went wrong and just make the public generally wait to find that out, hopefully when all the stress has died down. Four, you address any burned bridges, you know, you insist that your employees should still be allowed to take part in a community event that was created to protest against the kind of oversight and cruel indifference that you're being accused of.
And then finally, number five, you playfully quote Taylor Swift lyrics in completely inappropriate circumstances. So this is the ultimate get out of jail free card, no matter what you're facing up to, quoting Taylor Swift will make you seem human and fun. And fun humans can't be held responsible for gross negligence or harbouring a toxic culture that results maybe in tragedy. Quote Taylor Swift, that's a simple thing to do.
And up next, this one got a few heated comments, didn't it, Wendell? Yeah, some very angry comments.
The gender pay gap is a myth, says bloke who earns 190k a year driving a big Tonka truck. Yes, big Tonka truck go vrooooom.
Economists and social theorists are eating humble pie, it's fair to say, after being destroyed by a Gold Coast man named Brenton Thomas. After a big week of people in the media discussing the effects of the gender pay gap, experts have been left shattered by revelations from Brenton that the whole thing just doesn't exist.
Yes, a bloke with minimal qualifications who drives a big truck in an open cut mine explained to The Advocate that it's literally illegal not to pay someone the same rate for the same job, completely ignoring the fact that male dominated industries get paid much better than female dominated sectors like childcare, nursing and so on. And blokes are often promoted to higher paying positions ahead of women.
As far as Brenton's concerned, if you want a better paying job, go and get it. Yeah, go drive a Tonka truck. Effie, you want to get paid $190k, head out there and drive the Tonka truck. Economists are yet to respond to that devastating statement from Brenton, but childcare workers on $23 an hour probably aren't going to get paid more than Brenton's prolonged toilet break at any point moving forward, so there you go.
Our last story of the week is a romance one from down in Sydney, it's quite a nice one.
It's about a Blink 182 dad who met a Taylor Swift mum and said please, it's on me, opening up his velcro chain wallet and buying her a drink. Dominic Hines was attending the Blink 182 showdown in Sydney with his son over the weekend when he spotted an attractive woman wearing white cowboy boots and a sequin dress, which Swifties will recognise as a costume from part of Swift's Fearless era. Having a set of shin swingers himself which were paired perfectly with a chain wallet and check advance, Dominic could be seen giving himself a pep talk as he mustered the courage to approach the stunner waiting in the line next to him who was just about to fork out $15 for a mango seltzer. He found the perfect opportunity to make a great impression, opening up his velcro camouflage wallet with a loud rip and pulling out a $20 like it was 2003 all over again. He said, handing over the cash as he locked eyes with a woman, it's on me. And then a series of back and forth banter unfolded in front of their embarrassed children and it was confirmed that Dominic was able to score Sarah's number and they could be heard happily blasting the song Fell in Love from the new Blink 182 album One More Time on the way home in his panel van.
Now, that's a love story, eh? It certainly is. He was a punk, she did ballet. What more can I say? Ah, love it, love it, love it, love it.
That's where we'll end the week. Effie and I have got a bid to do, given all these retrenchments and so on, so we'll leave you to it. No pay rise though. No. Have a great weekend. Bye-bye.
Elf which were paired perfectly with a chain wallet and check advance, Dominic could be seen giving himself a pep talk as he mustered the courage to approach the stunner waiting in a line next to him who was just about to fork out 15 bucks for a mango seltzer. He found the perfect opportunity to make a great impression opening up his velcro camouflage wallet with a loud rip and pulling out a $20 like it was 2003 all over again. Please, he said handing over the cash as he locked eyes with the woman, it's on me. And then a series of back and forth banter unfolded in front of their embarrassed children and it was confirmed that Dominic was able to score Sarah's number and they could be heard happily blasting the song Fell in Love from the new Blink 182 album One More Time on the way home in his panel van.
Now, that's a love story, eh? It certainly is. He was a punk, she did ballet. What more can I say? Ah, love it, love it, love it, love it.
That's where we'll end the week. Effie and I have got a bid to do, given all these retrenchments and so on, so we'll leave you to it. No pay rise though. No. Have a great weekend. Bye bye. |
ClickHole | these_people_were_at_the_fall_of_the_berlin_wall_and_their_stories_are_incredible | When the Berlin wall first went up, I was right in the middle of a conversation with this guy, and he got stuck on the other side of the wall. So now, because of this stupid wall, we have to start shouting at each other just to understand what we are saying. And I didn't even really like the guy. Everyone hated the wall. It was a symbol of oppression, and we all knew it should be destroyed.
Right before the wall came down, people knew something was about to happen, but they didn't know what. I was positive it was about to be a surprise performance by KISS, so I put on my makeup, I got into costume. KISS never showed up, but what did happen ended up being pretty cool, too. I ran into Tom Brokaw, who was covering the story for NBC, and I asked him if he knew what was happening. He told me that Berlin was a city where past and present sit side by side, where rich history meets vibrant modernity, and that ultimately Berlin was a city of contrasts. And then people started tearing down the wall. We were streaming through the checkpoint, and for the first time in my life, I stepped foot in East Berlin.
Well, I hated it. Everyone was speaking German, and it sounded awful. But then I crossed back to West Berlin, and everyone was speaking German there, too. It sucked.
The sense of togetherness was so inspiring. I saw a woman with an arm like a cannon pitch her baby in a perfect spiral over the wall. And a moment later, it flew back towards her. Others followed her lead, and soon Berliners on both sides of the wall were lobbing their babies back and forth with precision and strength. At the Brandenburg Gate, we started climbing up onto the wall, only to discover there was a hard rock cafe up there. The wait staff was so overjoyed to see us, they started sobbing. They said they hadn't had a single customer since the wall first went up in 1961. I ordered buffalo wings and bought a Jimi Hendrix mug at the gift shop.
The top of the wall was covered with those parsley garnishes you sometimes get in your soup. I guess people have thrown them up there over the years because nobody wants parsley in their soup. They just want soup.
Everyone around me was destroying the wall in different ways. Some were using sledgehammers, some were hacking at it with fish, and others were using Berlin Wall Demolisher 5000s. A lot of us took home pieces of the Berlin Wall to remember that night. I got this. Among the crowds, one young woman stands out in my memory because she had Angela Merkel's upper body for a head. Years later, I opened a newspaper and gasped. That young woman's head had grown up to be German Chancellor Angela Merkel's entire body. The world was never the same. |
dropout | what_year_is_stranger_things_set_in | This is what you wanted to show us? Shouldn't we be looking for Pat? We are. Siobhan can help us. How?
She's just sitting there.
Siobhan, do you know where Pat is? Pat.
Wait a minute, what year is it? What are you talking about, you dork? It's 1983. It says so in the intro. Yeah. But these D&D figurines weren't manufactured until 1984. Are you saying we time-traveled?
I don't know what I'm saying. Something isn't right. Who cares? Let's focus on finding Pat. What's going on? He's trying to communicate with us.
Whoa. Wait, this is a clip from the movie The Thing, which didn't come out on VHS until 1984. Seriously? Maybe it's 1984. Sure. No, because all the right moves just came out in theaters, which is definitely from 1983. Seriously?
Man, it's fine. It's 80s. It's fun. Don't nitpick it. It's close enough.
Just focus on what's important. Finding Pat. Siobhan. Zach. It's Pat. Wait.
This is a TRC-214. This walkie-talkie wasn't released until 1985.
Seriously? What does it mean? It doesn't mean anything. It's just a really small anachronism. Or maybe we punched a hole through the space-time continuum. No, no, no, think about it.
Could you really be excited to get an Atari for Christmas? Sure. No, these came out six years ago. That's late 70s. If it were really 1983, you'd want a Commodore 64.
I guess. Thank you. Yes, good point. Oh no, crap.
He must've been attacked. He needs CPR. Give him 30 chest compressions and two rescue breaths. Oh wait, before 2005, the standard was 15 chest compressions.
Start now. Just start any of them. |
dropout | hardly_working_divorced_dad_all_nighter_2012 | Okay, so I come out before or after Pat says he's come for my eye boogers. So after, because remember, I'm gonna go, I've come for your eye boogers. Guys, we should really shoot. I'm getting some.
Adam! Where's my boy? Roger, you're not supposed to be here. What's going on? Jenny is Adam's mom. That's her ex.
Now we're married. I'm square in the middle of it. Just go with it. Gotcha. Hey, hey, hey, Roger.
Get your fucking hands off me. You're not the real father. I'm the father. I don't want to see my son, my real boy. Where's my boy?
You can't just keep dropping by like this, Roger. And you know, it's the middle of the all nighter. You can't keep dropping by. Keep dropping by like what?
Like a fucking loving father. Want to see his son? I want to see my son. Adam! Where's my boy? I'm right here, dad. Stop yelling. There's my boy. There's my loving father.
Okay, no, no. Roger! Roger!
Come on, you'll see him. How's my boy doing? How's my boy?
What are you doing here? I'm in the door. Stop banging on that goddamn door, get it, wake the fucking thing! Are you drunk? Listen, Michael, you wanted a toy? Not really.
I got you some baseball cards. Yeah, yeah, I got you all the baseball cards. See, look at this little Mickey Mantle, Robert Korber, Michael Faber. These are X-Men cards. Yeah, you can have all of them, too. You can have all of them.
I love you so much, son. I love you so much.
I'm calling the police! Goddamn it, tiny kid! He's six years old! He can't give him a minute, but let's fucking bother! I'm not six.
Remember when I promised you I'd take you to that aquarium in Boston? Remember, let's go. Let's go right now. It's never too late for a fishing trip, right? Open the door, sir.
Okay, you have to just give me a meal with my son! I'm with my son!
All right, look, I promise me, tell me you love me. Ryan, I love you so much. Please, tell me you love me. I love you. I love you, too. I love you. I would do anything for you. I would do anything for you, okay? Give me a kiss.
Sir, open the door. All right, all right, I'm coming out! I'm coming out! Okay, you got me, officer, please.
You're a goddamn animal, Roger. I'm an animal! You're not dead!
You keep me cooped up inside all day. My son, you keep my son cooped up inside all day.
We're gonna take him out, put some son on his face. He's about baseball and all the great players. Vinnie Goodman, Michael Peters, George Morrison, Angel Ravix, Tina Tina. Season boy, he's... Okay, listen, listen.
Officers, we don't want to press charges. Why don't you come to the dealership, fill out an application. I can... Oh, it's okay. It's okay. I don't want to press charges.
He's the real father. It's my fault.
Okay, yeah. Okay, hey buddy, how are you? Hey, everyone! |
dropout | angel_dust_song | I am very happy to announce that Teenage Heartthrob, Dallas Conrad, is on the program tonight. Take it away, Dallas! Okay. And one, two, three, four. Now Christmas is a gift from heaven above Like an angel flew down the sprinkled bus with love For some brand-ear eggnog is a holiday must But my Christmas spirit comes from angel dust Isn't that sweet, folks? When it's cold outside and won't stop snowing One magical thing appears to go I breathe deep some angel dust into my lungs I get so full of cheer and my toenails go numb Soon I'm shaking for so much holiday But I'm only one more That I'll wrap a hundred gifts in a single hour You got me riding so high on Christmas time I'll trim fifty trees, ripouts and a spine I'm jonesing for Christmas like a holiday fiend My eyes are red and my gums are green I want to tear off some wrapping paper and my skin Oh no, I think I hear reindeer on the roof again, you hear me? You hear that, Tom? It's over time you hear that My folks want me to stop this angel dust obsession I tell them loving Christmas is my only crime And I'll fucking murder you before I do hard time I can do it, I can dodge bullets All else kings can If you want your own angel dust, it won't take you a while Just take a left to drink, you'll know that Follow your heart to the deep white snow And then ignore those directions and buy it from Toothless Joe Toothless Joe, ladies and gentlemen Okay, time for the day of my shuffle, everyone You sag it to the left and then you sag it to the right And then you throw your arms up in the air and you say I'm invincible, the kingdom of the snowflakes will be mine On a cocoa of hell Pine needles and I can see brain And frosty, the snowman wants to be If you want to feel this holiday rush The secret ingredient is angel dust |
dropout | woman_is_afraid_of_owls | A world of fun is around the bend There's fresh surprises that will never end Come and grab me with me Grab some yarn and grab some beads Hello my darlings. Last week we made a beautiful sunshine and the week before that we made a puppy dog. Dear Kathy, I believe a good project would be a macrame owl. Owls are lots of fun to make. I love your show. Dear Kathy, I would like to make a macrame owl. Can you show me please. Dear Kathy, every week I ask you to make an owl and you still won't make an owl.
Now, as I have stated many times on this show, I am deathly afraid of owls. They severely frighten me. As a compromise, I have invited the macrame pals on the program to make a macrame owl and I'm going to teach them how to do so with my eyes closed because as I've repeatedly told all of you, I'm deathly afraid of owls and I don't want to do this.
Oh, that must be them now. Hello. Okay, we are going to make our macrame what? Owls. We begin by tying a half hitch around the ring, a nose, a triangle nose, a triangle nose. Now we're going to make the eyes. They only live at night. Okay. Sorry. No, I don't know if it was a bird or an owl or a man, but a thing came into my room and repeatedly started pecking, pecking, pecking at my body, pecking at my face, pecking, pecking, pecking. It's a terrible feeling and being alone is almost as terrible, but I think owls take the cake. Now, I want everyone to take their owl. Do they have their owl? Are they near their owl? Yeah. Okay. I want you to bury your owl.
Kathy, don't you want to see what I made? Well, I always want to see what a child may have. Abby, why would you do that? Kathy, would you like to see mine?
Mitchell, if it's not an owl, I suppose I can take a look. It's an owl.
Daniela, Daniela, where's Daniela? Who's there? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_203_David_Pocock | How good is Australia?
There's fucking language. Let there be a thousand blossoms blooms, folks, I can see. But I ain't spending any time on it. Get me my valium. Don't stop wearing the speedos. You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult.
And welcome back to the Batutah Advocate podcast. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocate. And today, the co-host is in fact, not Errol Parker, editor-at-large. He's off chasing a story down town, Triple C inquiry into Batutah's mayor, Keith Carton.
Once again, he's been caught with his snout in the trough, which seems to be the case at all levels of government. This country is riddled with corruption.
And we'll be talking about that in today's interview. I'm joined, of course, by Wendell Hussey, former cadet turned newsreader turned sports reporter turned lost all journalist at the Batutah Advocate. He will be joining me here today as we interview a returning guest to the Batutah Advocate podcast.
He's come on before in a very different capacity. That time he was representing Australia in rugby union. This time he is getting everything in order to represent Australia in Canberra in federal politics, which is why he is on today's episode of Decode.
David Pocock, thank you for joining us. Clancy and Wendell, thanks for having me. Now mate, what have you been doing since we last spoke? Last time we spoke, you actually came into the office and you gave us all a bag of biltong. Is that what it's called though?
Barbell biltong? Barbell biltong. Yeah, barbell biltong, it's good stuff.
Lasted about a day. Lasted about a day and kept us all regular.
But that was, in my opinion, your most physical peak. It looked like you were carved out of ice at that point. Still playing for the Wallabies. It's all down there from there.
Yeah, yeah. Was about to win us a World Cup, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was all happening. That wouldn't have been more than two years ago you were in here. So things have changed in your life and in Australia that has allowed, or has led you to where we are now, which is David Pogock, independent candidate for the ACT Senate at the 2022 federal election. What has happened here, mate? I mean, doesn't the last two years just, I don't know, it feels like a decade. We've all gone through a lot, you know, to varying degrees around the country and everyone's just been hanging in there.
I guess for me, I finished playing rugby pretty much at the start of COVID. I was up in Japan this season. You know, no one really knew what COVID was or what was going to happen. And after a few delays, they decided to can the season. And that was kind of it for me. So pretty weird ending.
I'd really enjoyed myself in rugby. It was what I wanted to do since I was a kid. Felt like I'd made the most of the opportunity and it was time to move on to other things and got stuck into some conservation stuff I was working on in Zimbabwe.
And actually managed to spend most of last year there just cracking on with it on the ground, which in itself was a weird thing, kind of seeing Australia in lockdown. But, you know, over there, the government said they were in lockdown, but everyone was kind of just cracking on with whatever they could do. And then kept getting hassled by people in the community here in Canberra.
You always had plans to come back after your conservation project? Oh, absolutely, yeah. Yeah, so with the project, I'd kind of been working on it for a number of years while I was playing rugby and just wanted to see it up and running and then be able to hand it over. But kept getting contacts by people in Canberra saying, listen, there's a viable pathway here in the Senate. For an independent, would you consider it? And, you know, to be honest, didn't give it a lot of thought. I always thought that I'd be able to do more outside of politics.
And then actually went up to COP26 in Glasgow. What was that, November last year? For the project I was working on in Zimbabwe, we were talking to a couple of potential partners on carbon and some conservation partners.
And just seeing the way, I mean, Australia was really the laughing stock at this conference. Well, I thought we handed ourselves pretty well, you know. Endeared ourselves in the international community. It was great having our former prime minister publicly ridiculing our current one on French television.
Yeah, I mean, there was just this sense from, not only the international community, who we've kind of known we've been out of step on climate for a while, but from our closest trading partners, just saying, what are you guys doing? Like, you know, climate action aside, in terms of changing climate, all that kind of stuff, but just the economic opportunity. You guys are missing out. Like Australia is in prime position to actually become the superpower of the future by not only producing a whole bunch of renewable energy, but actually showing how it can be done and then exporting that know-how and tech around the world.
And I guess that was a big push for me saying, well, if people in the community asked me to do this, I really believe in our democracy. I think it can be better when you love a place. And I've been so grateful for the opportunity Australia has given me. I want to see it do better. So I'm all in, I've jumped into it. It's been a hell of a ride already, but I'm really enjoying just getting out there, talking to Canberrans, seeing what's important to them, what they love, what they hate, what they want to see done differently. And based on that, we're about to start rolling out sort of policy positions and what we think we can realistically get done should I be an independent in the Senate.
Before we get into the policy, I just wanted to ask you, you were saying that people were hassling you, asking you to get involved. What kind of people? Do we have people from the Labor Party and the Liberal Party saying this is an opportunity here, maybe we should reach out to David? Or was it kind of more individuals going, this is an opportunity for you as an independent Senator and pushing that? Who were the people that were trying to get you going? Yeah, more just everyday Australians. You know, sick of how things are being done and wanted to see a different way. I mean, I've heard rumors over the years that I was going to join pretty much all the parties, but I had certainly never given it a second thought. Well, Clive Palmer was pushing for a former teammate of yours, Israel Folau, to make a run for the Senate up there in Queensland.
He didn't reach out. Not yet. Mate, it is his entonger.
David, I want to ask, a big platform you're running on, you said you're yet to announce a lot of policy positions, but one thing you've been speaking about, even since before you announced this, is corruption and integrity. I'm interested in your perspective here, as someone who has spent a lot of time in Zimbabwe and South Africa, countries that would be traditionally considered corrupt in many different levels of government. And for whatever reason, countries like Argentina and Australia don't ever seem to be viewed as corrupt, even though we know they are. And the third world gets a bad rap for this, and Australia is the developed world. No one ever seems to really think about it, and no one overseas would look at Australia as like, wow, look at that corrupt banana republic. But it's starting to look a little bit like that, and we've seen it in both major parties. What is your opinion on the state, as particularly someone who lives in Canberra, who gets to see these swamp things walking around with full pockets? What is your take on it all, having seen both Africa, Australia, and all those other countries you've traveled with in your career?
Well, I think we're all feeling it. Yeah, we've basically just had a gut full of seeing politicians on the public purse.
We're employing them to do a job, and they're not holding themselves to the same standard that we expect in our own workplaces. They're not holding themselves to standards that we expect of the people around us, really.
And leading into the last election, Scott Morrison said, an independent anti-corruption watchdog, something I'll do. Three years later, surprise, surprise, just didn't have time. So it's clearly not in the major party's interest to actually enact this. Investing in themselves. And it was the leanest thing that he was gonna bring in. But it's something that the majority of Australians want, and it's kind of beyond time. And I think there's some really clear things that we can be doing to actually improve the way that our democracy works, starting with an anti-corruption watchdog, actually having some laws around truth in political advertising at the moment. And we see it every federal election.
You can say whatever you want, as long as it's not libel. You can twist the truth, you can whatever.
So can you give us an example of that? Can you give us, because a lot of people often don't know when they're looking at this.
I mean, death tax was one. Death tax.
And it's often just stretching the truth and then really going hard on that. And it's not good for democracy. Here in the ACT, we've got really strong laws against it.
And so around election time, you're not seeing the same misinformation campaigns. Another thing, talking to people in the community that they wanna see cleaned up is political donations. And transparency around that. Should Clive Palmer be allowed to drop 80 million every election to buy himself a couple of seats? We should be having those conversations actually deciding. It doesn't seem that democratic to me, but that's the way it is at the moment.
And you've seemed to have struck a chord there with your local community. Before we kind of go into the community you've got around you, I wanna ask a few questions about Canberra. When do you think in your mind, Canberra became home for you? I know you've been there a while, even in between your stints overseas. When did Canberra become home? Do you wanna tell us all about that? Because my earliest memories of David Pocock is this rugby prodigy from Brisbane's Bayside. And then all of a sudden you were the face, the fresh new blood at the Western Force. Obviously from there you go global with your football career. But at what point did Canberra become the place you and your wife wanted to settle down? So I moved here in 2012 to join the Brumbies, the rugby team here. And having grown up on a farm, I just fell in love with Canberra.
Like to me, it's the best of both worlds. You've got everything you need in a city, but in 20 minutes you can be out down on the Murrumbidgee or out on someone's property helping with their sheep or whatever it might be. You don't have a lot of the same issues with traffic and all that kind of stuff. And I guess you guys would enjoy the solitude and you can get a bit antsy in the big smoke at times. A bit prickly. I think from the start, it's not... Having lived in Perth, you think of Canberra as Canberra roundabouts, politicians, the bubble, where people fly in to do whatever politicians do. But when you actually live here, you realize that that's only a very tiny part of it. And there's like everywhere, great communities, access to nature reserves, the whole bush capital thing I love. And so it's really felt like home for a while now.
Where did that conservation and environmental activism come from? Are you from a family where that was a big kind of a thing or was it something that you developed over time as an adult? Yeah, growing up on a farm, I really loved wildlife. I guess in Zimbabwe, most farms would have zebra, kudu, pika, like all these sort of antelope and stuff like that on it. So I was always interested in that as a kid. My grandfather and my dad were really into their birds. So I always enjoyed kind of learning different birds' names. And I guess it just grew from there. Having said that, my family was also really conservative. We grew up in a conservative farming community and I kind of always, moving to Australia, didn't really understand how there was this big kind of thing where people were trying to wedge conservation against farming.
Like a lot of the farmers I know care deeply about the land that they're working. They want to see it healthier. But at the end of the day, they've got to make a living.
And so you've got to be pragmatic, right? How do you actually weigh up those two things? And there's always compromise.
And I've always kind of respected that and really think that we should be valuing and doing a lot more for farmers. And I think they play a huge role in actually looking, they look after half of Australia. So we should be valuing them more and making it easier for them to actually look after land and be getting, I mean, you're doing pretty well out of with the livestock prices at the moment.
But generally, farmers are doing it pretty tough where you're kind of banking on the odd good season to get you through all the rough patches. The rough decades that follow, yeah. The conservation thing's been something since well in your footballing days. You were handcuffing yourself to tractors. You've been talking about this for a while and you've been talking about corruption for a while as well. I know that you're just about, as someone living in the ACT, you get a front row seat to a lot of it. And you'd watch the waratahs consistently get picked in the wallabies ahead of other.
Also, yeah, corruption, absolute corruption. But I want to ask, what else are we running on here? I mean, I know those two things are enough for a lot of people to vote for you. Corruption and conservation and environmentalism, climate action, what else are we talking about here?
Well, I mean, the great thing as an independent is that I've got no party line to tie. I'm not being handed some sheet of paper that's saying this is what we're taking to the election.
I've spent the last few months talking to hundreds. I mean, our volunteers have called a few thousand Canberrans to talk about what's important to them.
And the big things unsurprisingly are actually housing affordability, actually taking on the cost of living challenge. You know, a lot of issues that politicians love to kind of say, yeah, we're dealing with it, but they just chuck it in the too hard basket or they just kick it down the road for the next government. And yeah, I think, you know, that has been a lot of the conversations is how do we actually deal with housing affordability?
What are some of the solutions? What can the government do there?
Another thing here in Canberra that's important to people is territory rights. We currently, as a territory, can't actually debate and make laws on things like voluntary sister dying or euthanasia. The Commonwealth can just overrule us. If there's a referendum held- Is that why gay marriage was legal there for a week? Exactly. So yeah, the Commonwealth can just come in and say, nah, none of that.
If there's a referendum held, you know, next year, national referendum, territories votes count as half. You know, you're 0.5 a vote.
And a lot of Canberrans are saying, you know, we understand when Canberra was first set up, it was just this tiny little place that politicians came, but now we're actually a city and we want to be able to look after ourselves. I've really enjoyed talking to people in Canberra. Like there's a host of issues that people are passionate about and some that really affect the future of Canberra.
Like another one is more funding and like more certain funding for tradies. Tradies are going to play a huge part as we have to kind of rewire our cities to deal with renewables and sort of switching from gas heaters to more efficient heat pumps, all these sorts of things. We're going to need a lot more tradies with different skills. And currently there's just not the vision and investment that's needed to deal with these challenges.
It sounds like you're getting real local, which is a bit different to some of the other independent campaigns we've seen. We spoke to Allegra Spender on the Decode podcast a couple of weeks ago and she was very much kind of had a counterpoint for every issue that the major parties are talking about. Probably because she represents an electorate that is traditionally a blue ribbon seat.
You seem to go really hyper local here. What were the numbers we were seeing in terms of volume? How many people you got working the streets for? It sounds like it's been picked up by a lot of people in the ACT. It sounds like you've got quite a strong following.
I'm not sure what your slogan is just yet. Vote for Powie. Yeah, I've been blown away by the support.
You know, the way the Senate voting works, it's the big piece of paper, right? And there's the line and you've got your candidates above the line, which is your parties. And then below the line, like if you're in Queensland, you can have, I don't know, 50, 60 people. It's that massive sheet of paper.
And so it used to be that above the line, you could just put a one in whatever party you wanted to vote for and that was it. And you'd have these preference whisperers that would do all these deals between the parties and that's how the preferences would flow, which meant that you had Ricky Muir from the motoring enthusiast party, who actually turned out to be a pretty decent Senator. Yeah, we're talking about King Ricky. On a couple thousand, I don't feel it, it was a couple thousand primary votes. Under Malcolm Turnbull, they did away with that and they said, actually, people need to put their own preferences.
So above the line, you're voting one to six, below the line, you're voting one to 12. Almost 80% of people vote above the line. So to have a chance, you have to be above the line.
So we had to form a party to do that and to form a party in Australia, you need 1500 members. And I was kind of thinking, I've never been part of a political party. It seems like a pretty big step to join one. I don't know many people who are part of a political party. So in December, when I announced, it kind of went up and within two days, we had 3000 members of this political party to get above the line. So I've been blown away by the support.
I think we're heading towards a thousand volunteers here in Canberra and that's what you have to have. You're coming up against the big party machinery. They're a well-oiled election machine with some serious resources. So we're gonna have to rely on people and volunteers getting out there, talking to people, putting up signs in their yards, letterboxing, kind of a lot more sort of grassroots democracy approach. Do you get that sense from the people that they're kind of appreciating that this might be an opportunity for someone to represent them at a really local level rather than just being labor or liberal and kind of just occupying one of those Senate seats that, yeah, this is an opportunity for this local guy here to really advocate for us. There's a lot of people that have volunteered.
There's people from both sides of politics, people who've voted for the Greens their whole life, other people who've voted for the Libs their whole life, who just feel like this constant politicization of issues isn't working for us. There is and there has to be a more centrist way of actually dealing with the big issues and just getting on with, not only dealing with the issues of today to kind of make our lives better, but looking ahead. The government should be looking at saying, okay, what are the big issues that are coming? How do we turn these into opportunities before they become these huge problems that we're struggling to deal with? And my sense is that people want that to happen.
On the other side here in Canberra, all of the seats have been safe for decades. Like, labor wins the lower house. In the Senate, there's one labor, one liberal, and that's been the way, I think, since 1975. And what we've seen with the government over the last decade is that if you want any infrastructure funding or if you want any love from the government, you've got to be a marginal seat. Here in Canberra, we currently, we've got one of the most successful women's basketball teams in the country.
They don't have a stadium to play in. There's not an arena that can hold them. We don't have a stadium that can actually hold a World Cup game or a convention center that can have a major event.
And we're kind of taken for granted here. And I think there's a lot of Camberians waking up to that and saying, let's make Canberra count again. Let's actually have someone in there who's accountable to us, who's pushing the issues that are important to us. And as a territory, we've led on a bunch of national issues, but just haven't had two senators who actually go into that for us. The senator I'm coming up against, it's a soldier. For example, he's been arguing against territory rights, saying, no, the territory shouldn't be able to make these decisions. It doesn't align with actually representing people here in Canberra. Hopefully we can change that.
He's actually playing a bit dirty. He must be getting nervous, old Ned. Yeah, he said David Percock brings a radical green style of politics to the Senate. And he's perhaps best known politically for being arrested after his extinction rebellion style stunt of chaining himself to a bulldozer. You reckon he's gonna be throwing that around for the next couple of months? Yeah, that's his line. He's been rolling it out whenever he can.
This is a big part of my concern is that we've got these politicians who are still stuck in the 2000s where they're talking about climate action being a cost. It's a massive opportunity. If you're a tradie, you should be pushing for as much climate action as you can, because this means more jobs well into the future. More jobs, more roofs, more whatever. It's good for all of us.
He keeps bringing up this arrest up at Morse Creek. That was with the fifth generation farmer, head of the local fire, rural fire service, salt of the earth, Rick Laird.
I remember the pictures of him. He's not exactly a dyed-haired greenie yet. I wouldn't call him a hippie.
No bongo drums.
I think this is where the government is just actually so out of touch. To be pushing coal mines on the Liverpool plains, on our best farming areas, it's crazy when you look at the future of coal and all of the places that we send coal, all committing to actually phasing it out.
What are we doing this for? You've got to ask that question. And then I think when you look at political donations, you probably get the answer. You're quite a disruptor, David. That's what it looks like is happening here.
You chained yourself to a bit of machinery in an extinction rebellion style protest back in the day with all those hippie farmers. You played football all those years for all those left-wing rugby union franchises. And now you are running as an independent, as a Senator for the ACT, against a couple of people who have pretty safe jobs.
Would that have been like the cruisest ever kind of reelection campaign for old mate Zed? If you hadn't thrown your hand up, do you reckon the status quo would have remained?
Well, in the past, he's never acknowledged an independent who's stood. He doesn't turn up to forums and debates.
He's very happy just to kind of cruise home. At the last election, he didn't make quota. And then on the 25th redistribution of preferences, he got his quota. So, it seems pretty happy just cruising there.
There's a lot of Camberians who clearly want better. They want someone who's actually gonna bring some work ethic, get out there, represent them on the issues. And I really don't like politics that gets personal, the mudslinging, the personal attacks. The thing I wanna talk about is track record. Like judges on our track record, I've been working on these issues that are important to Camberians. I've been trying to push for change.
Senator Seldge has been in there for nine years. I don't know what he's done for Canberra. We're not getting our fair share of federal funding. And he is part of the government. He's a government minister.
He's got to stand by that. That's what I'm saying in this campaign. Sounds like the only thing he supports.
I mean, he opposes assisted suicide. He opposed gay marriage.
He opposes just about everything you're talking about, but he does support cutting penalty rates, which I'm sure will help housing affordability and the cost of living in the greater ACT region. Cutting penalty rates would go down well with all of those public servants in capital as well.
They'd love that.
It doesn't sound like this guy's quite as intimidating as opposition as say, Richie McCaw. I mean, he's been around for a while. He was leader of the opposition for a number of years here in the ACT, and then got a promotion to Senator, I guess.
I just wanted to ask, trying not to get too personal, but have you met Zed Cecilia in person? Because he seems to be, he's happily, he's trotting out the lines and he's doing the personal attacks in the media, obviously to reporters. They might just be texts. They might be saying it in person. But in person, when he's coming face to face with a back rower from the Wallabies, a former back rower from the Wallabies, is he still maintaining that demeanor or is he a bit kind of friendlier, just chitchat-ier?
No, I've chatted to him many times over the years. He was always down at Brumby's season launchers and he spends a lot of time in the chairman's lounge or the corporate boxes at the Brumby's.
And this is the thing, right? I've got no issue with him personally, but politics is a contest of ideas. Like who's got the best ideas? Who do people think is actually going to get in there and work hard for them? And that's what I'm saying.
I feel like I proved myself in professional rugby with a work ethic, a willingness to learn, and I'm wanting to actually do that representing Canberra and a place that I love and I think should be getting a lot more love from politicians than it currently is. Yeah, well, I mean, particularly the politicians that actually use your town as their little playground while they pass legislation, it would be worth the Canberra getting a look in within that institution that you all kind of work tirelessly to carry on your backs down there. Yeah, we put up with a lot down here.
Now, I want to ask just quickly, what has your life looked like since the pandemic, since you wrapped up football? I mean, you just said then, are you proving yourself on the football paddock? Yeah, yeah, that's a given. But you've also done a lot of your kind of community work over the years and all your conservation work. And you took a sabbatical, you've lived all around the world and you've done actually quite a lot of things, which is, you know, people don't get to say that about many ex footballers. You've done quite a lot with yourself in your lifetime. What have you been doing since, like, you know, just before all this, you know, the pandemic, you're at home in the pandemic, you announced this in December, which is obviously this, it's all hands on deck for the independent senator launch and campaign that follows and potential election. What was your plan otherwise as a ex footballer? You know, I was one of those athletes who was studying part-time for far too long and was running the risk of getting kicked out of their degree because they'd been doing it for 10 years.
So after I retired, I finished off a master's in sustainable agriculture. So it's an area that I'm interested in and then kind of applied a lot of that to the agriculture and conservation project we were doing in Zimbabwe, which I really enjoyed. We were kind of working with commercial farmers and small scale farmers and trying to connect the small scale farmers to markets, kind of working on the value chain. But yeah, I did take time off in 2017 to kind of explore some other stuff. I did some conservation work. I did a leadership course at Harvard Business School. So I have been really interested in things outside of rugby and really feel like I can bring that different perspective to politics.
You know, we all are saying that we want to see politics done differently. And I think that means actually getting different people to do it, you know, at the moment.
So I look at the Australian workforce, I think it's what, less than 1% of the workforce are lawyers, but 20% of MPs in the last parliament were lawyers. 40% of parliamentarians were former staffers or representatives at like a territory or state level, 15% are from the trade unions.
So, you know, if those are the qualifications that you have to have for politics, then, you know, I don't have them. And frankly, I don't want them.
I feel like we need different voices in there who are actually representing their community, bringing a different lens to things and ensuring that the laws that are passed through there actually reflect one, what people want and two, is this gonna make Australia a better place to live. Well, you heard it here first. He's got quite a pitch there, David Pogock. And throughout this interview, David, I do think we heard your slogan, make Canberra count again. Is that what we're thinking? Yeah, I've been talking a lot about making Canberra count. When you do come to Canberra, you know, I think you'll see there's a lot more to it than just the bubble that everyone speaks about. There's a really thriving city and a great community here.
And people want to be taken seriously. People are sick of hearing about, you know, the size of the public service, whether it should be bigger or smaller. I think we should be talking about the quality of the public service. We've seen through COVID just how important good advice is. We want our public servants to be frank and fearless and for their jobs not to be politicized by the government. And that's something I'm hearing around town and I wanna really try and change the conversation around that.
And Mooseheads needs some sort of a stimulus package. We need to get a grant for Mooseheads for a mechanical bull, maybe in the beer garden.
What do you think? There's a lot that needs to happen to get Canberra working out of this pandemic, you know? And as you said before, I guess, renewable is actually something that Canberra can touch and feel. The landscape surrounding you is hot and it's windy. Yeah, it's all there to do. I mean, if a mechanical bull would get you guys to set up an office in Canberra, then we could get it across the lines.
We'll get that bureau one day, mate, in the press gallery. Don't worry, they'll let us in one day. But thank you for joining us today, David. It's been an enlightening chat we've had here today.
And I was not aware how local this campaign was and how Canberra-centric David Pocock for the Australian Federal Upper House would be. I'm sure Zed's got a bit to worry about. I'm sure everyone else down there that is kind of, I guess, trying to keep the status quo as it is, would be a little bit nervous, a little bit jumpy right now.
I hope so. You know, I think people want a more sensible way forward and hopefully I can provide that. I've really enjoyed getting out there and talking to Camberians and we'll wrap that up as we go into the election, whenever it's called. But yeah, it obviously looks like both parties are pretty much into campaign mode and there's a lot of money that's gonna be spent over the next couple of months. So it should be an interesting time. Or at least promised. There'll be a lot of money promised over the next couple of months.
Always, always promised, yep. Well, thanks for joining us today, David, and make Canberra count again. Thanks, Casey, we really enjoyed that. |
cracked | the_7_most_blatant_lies_famous_brands_based_entire_ads_on | 7 advertisements for our lives If you want to know why your 3G coverage works so great on Verizon Wireless, there's a map for that. And if you want to know why your friend's 3G coverage keeps her out of touch...
People do some crazy things to stay healthy. Like sleeping in hyperbaric chambers. Doing that hot yoga till they pass out. Or wrapping their bodies in cheese to heal wounds.
Me? I like to keep it real simple by drinking vitamin water XXX. The vitamins and antioxidants help support a healthy body. So I don't have to do nothing too crazy. Like extreme aromatherapy. You're amazing. But things just aren't working out. It's not someone else. It's something else. When life gets busy, there are days when your immune system wants some support. Try Airboy. It's the easy, great-tasting way to help support your immune system.
It's finally here. The first phone to beat the iPhone. Once in, our reporters were overwhelmed by the work load. Get it. Seriously. Most other gums just masked bad breath. Now Great Tasting Eclipse has a natural ingredient that kills the germs that cause... It's the best.
Hey! Thanks for watching our macro about lies and advertisements. As a little treat for the bumper here, I thought I would show you that I edit these in my bedroom. So here's this for you guys. Why don't you leave a comment telling us which room you'd like to see which editor in next. |
ClickHole | patriothole_exclusive_protect_yourself_at_your_most_vulnerable_with_patriothole_toilet_armor | When you sit on the toilet, you're more vulnerable to attacks than at any other time in your life. That's why we've created Patriot Hole Toilet Armor. Look at this. This is perfect for keeping you safe on the toilet. When you're wearing this on the toilet, there's truly nothing that an assailant can do to you, no matter how powerful their attacks are. It's the only way to stay protected from criminals like terrorists, illegal immigrants, and violent leftist antifas while you're in the bathroom.
Now let me show you how this works, because it's really fantastic. Now, I just put this on, and here we go.
Okay, so in most cases, the second I get on this toilet, I am extremely vulnerable to attacks. My movement is limited, I'm in an enclosed space, and I'm near water. But with the toilet armor on, I am entirely protected from any kind of attack.
And this thing really has got it all.
It flashes strobe lights to blind your assailants. It has a siren to let everyone else in the bathroom know that you're under attack. And every time you sit down, it sends a message to the police letting them know that you're using the bathroom.
I'm telling you, this toilet armor is better than anything you can get in the stores. We make it right here in America. Your days of dying on the toilet are over. |
cracked | the_drunken_extra_that_made_being_john_malkovich_even_better | In Being John Malkovich, a puppeteer named Craig Schwartz, played by John Cusack, finds a portal to actor John Malkovich's head and starts charging people to take the guy for a spin for 15 minutes. What the fuck is going on?
That's not me. I didn't say that.
Eventually Malkovich finds out what's going on, descends into the portal, and ends up in what looks like the most self-indulgent Twilight Zone godforsaken Halloween party. After leaving that place, Malkovich quite understandably freaks out and threatens Schwartz with litigation if he doesn't stop running out his brain to strangers, storming off along the shoulder of the New Jersey Turnpike. I will see you in court!
The best directors in the world can't stop drunk extras. According to the commentary by director Spike Jon, some extras sneaked beer under the set and got pleasantly plastered.
The scene called for cars to just drive past Malkovich as he angrily walks away. However, one of the extras forgot he wasn't a jock in an 80s high school comedy and yelled out, hey Malkovich, think fast, before lobbing a beer can at his head. Malkovich's surprised yelp of pain and subsequent cradling of his head amused Jon so much that he decided to keep the scene in the film. This isn't so surprising when you consider that this is the man who helped bring Jackass to our screen, so we already know that he revels in the pain of others. But it worked beautifully. Rather than the scene being about how angry Jon Malkovich is at the main character, it became a scene about how his life is falling apart around him. It helped us empathize with the actor, not to mention that the moment was also very much in line with the absurd humor of that screenplay. How did the extra even know it was Malkovich? In regards to the drunken extra, this inspired moment of sheer douchebaggery paid off in dividends. Since now he had a line in the movie, his pay rate was bumped up to $700 a day and he was also now eligible to get a Screen Actors Guild Card. Ah, you know, classic Hollywood story. |
ClickHole | why_vegetarian | It's just my choice. Oh, you don't eat meat? That's so weird. I don't even think about it anymore, it's just who I am.
It makes me feel healthy and good. I became a vegetarian when I was 16. My wealthy uncle died and left me his vast potato collection. I'm still working through those, and when I finish I'll probably eat meat again. I hate chicken the animal, but I love chicken the meat. Why would I want to eat something that I love? I caress chicken, I kiss chicken, I **** chicken, and I **** chicken. When I was 18, I hit a witch with my bike and she died, and in her last moments of life as she coughed up blood, she told me if I stopped eating vegetables, I would end up like her, a witch. Vegetarianism is something you inherit, on your mom's side.
I don't want to be a witch, I'm very scared of witches.
If you think all vegetarians are wusses, watch this. Now put your little baby **** back in your pants you meat **** heads. I don't really like the taste of fruits and vegetables, so I just think of a sexy lady taking off her clothes while I'm eating them. Vegetarianism is all about health.
It's allowed me to have a Dorian Gray thing with this ear of corn. I can't die.
When I was a teenager, my vegetarian mom got killed by some idiot on a bike, and he got away with it because he thought she was a witch. Most of my friends eat meat, and that's cool. Most of my friends are in ISIS, and that's cool too. I am a vegetarian, but that doesn't mean I think I'm better than you. I'm also the type of person that smokes cigarettes in other people's cars without asking. Veggies make me go yum-yum, and I wouldn't change that for the world.
Don't worry, you can dunk vegetables in milk. It's allowed. This is totally allowed. This is 2% milk, and it's still allowed. This is allowed. |
cracked | dispatches_from_goddamn_space_episode_2_the_sad_loneliness_of_pooping_in_space | Greetings earth dwellers, I come in peace. So that's joking obviously. Not about peace. I'm very serious about that. I hope you're all having a great time with your astronomy course and that you're all learning a great deal about this vast universe that we live in. If any of you start to think that maybe you'd like to do what I do, I very much encourage you to literally aim high, and maybe someday you too could be an astronaut. Although statistically probably not. Well, seven one-hundredths of one of you could be an astronaut, which you know what makes up seven one-hundredths of each one of your bodies?
Your heart. In fact, you could say that this shuttle runs on heart, and someday it could run on your heart. Send us your hearts! We need fuel!
Don't. Don't do that.
Today, I want to talk to all of you about waste. Now I know this is a topic that many of you are excited about because I saw it in the questions that you sent, but we're going to be talking about waste in the broader sense than just going number two. All around the earth, there is human waste. There's space debris out there, and there are all these decommissioned satellites, and I have to work very hard to keep this ship, and keep myself even, from becoming waste.
I stay physically active every single day to keep my body from atrophing, and all my muscles from shrinking and shriveling up, and my body from reabsorbing my skeleton. The body is not designed to live in an area that doesn't have gravity, so even now, as I'm talking to you, my body is effectively eating itself. Now, you might be thinking, well gee, Marcus, sounds like you've got to do a lot of work up there. I bet you get tired. And when you sleep, how on earth do you keep from banging into things? Well, we're not on earth, you goof, so that sentence doesn't make any sense.
I have a little compartment that I sleep in that has a sleeping bag in it, and it's fastened into the ground. It's just big enough for me to fit, and it's the size of, it's like a casket.
Who knows what Tang is? I'm sure some of you raised your hands. That's good. Tang, of course, is what everyone thinks that astronauts drink. Well, I don't think that there's been Tang on a shuttle for like the last 40 years. That doesn't mean that everyone doesn't have this image of what an astronaut is in their head, and he's this guy drinking Tang. That's, that's never going away. See, an astronaut is an image, it's an idea that everyone has. And when you're an idea, it's hard for you to maintain all of the aspects that make you, you, all the things that make you human. It's, it's, it's Tang. I, Tang ruined everything, man.
We go to the bathroom in a hose. It's not pretty, sometimes it's bad. It doesn't fit well, there's, sometimes it's a big mess. I don't, there's no elegant solution for poop.
It's just something that we do, and we don't talk about, and we pretend it doesn't happen up here. Just like on Earth. Well, I, I think that's all the time we have for this week. It was nice talking to all of you, school children. Please be good, do what your teachers say. Until we see each other again, I am mission specialist Marcus, boldly going. Not, not in a hoe, not to the bath. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_braveheart | They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!"
Braveheart Mel Gibson's 1995 epic masterpiece about getting hurt in Scotland is full of awesome trivia and rich symbolism you may have missed on your first watch. Here are some amazing facts that will change the way you watch Braveheart forever. To give the movie an authentic feel, Mel Gibson consulted with actual descendants of the legendary William Wallace, and even used some of them as extras here, here, and here. In order to convince the studio to make Braveheart, Gibson took out a full-page ad in the LA Times that said, please, the rest is history. With the help of an incredible set designer, Mel Gibson was able to completely transform downtown Dublin for this incredible battle sequence.
Here's something interesting. Although mentioned throughout the movie, God is only on screen for a total of two seconds. Here's some cool trivia.
Before Braveheart, acting while on a horse was virtually unheard of. With Braveheart, Gibson showed that it was possible to act while sitting on a horse and change cinema forever.
Angus Macfadyen based Robert the Bruce's warring personality off two friends he grew up with, the sun and the moon. This scene depicts a traditional Scottish game in which three people take turns saying, know the now, until I get upset and call my dad. In order to train for his horseback riding scenes, Gibson spent three weeks at horseback riding camp and made a bunch of friends and memories to last a lifetime. Here's some neat symbolism. In this scene, we see William Wallace getting tortured on what appears to be a plus sign, a devastating allusion to all the mathematicians who were killed in the dark ages.
For this moment, the script actually called for Mel Gibson to say mercy, but he kept forgetting his line and screaming freedom instead. The rest of the cast tried to remind him, but Gibson couldn't hear them, and now the infamous flub is cinema history.
So there you have it. Hopefully these Braveheart facts will give you a whole new perspective on this seriously epic movie. Thanks for watching! |
dropout | how_to_sound_smart | Have you heard about this guy Joel Robbins? Oh my god, yes he's great! Are you watching his speech on living authentically? I am. It's amazing. He's so wise. Truly a profound speaker. And when we look inside ourselves, we find the opportunity to live our lives the way we want most for ourselves. Wow.
Now this guy's an idiot. What? I'll kill you.
Listen to how he talks. He's not actually saying anything. He's just using hypnotic pattern. What? He slowed his speech down to about 75% normal talking speed and he's emphasized a few key words. It's just a way to make yourself sound deep when you're not really saying anything.
Most of us spend our entire lives partially hydrogenated corn oils. But when we take the time to riboflavin, we often find that we've been yellow number three the whole time.
Yes. So true. It's gibberish. This is exactly what Dr. Trudansky was talking about. Dr. Trudansky? Most people's conclusions are based on their positions, but really, it's our positions that should be based on our conclusions. Wow. See? Well, that's also a rhetorical device. It's called anti-metabolism. He mirrored his phrase switching two words around in order to sound smart. Come on! No, it's true.
You can do it with anything. Listen to this. If you want love to be a part of your life, you must first make life a part of your love. That is so wise.
No, it's not. Oh my God, I love it! It doesn't actually mean it. Why? No, you're taking the wrong lesson from this, guys. It doesn't mean anything. It's just a soup of empty buzzwords.
God, you guys are such classic set alphas. You know that? Set Alpha. As opposed to set omegas who are kind, intelligent, brave, and sensitive, set alphas are compassionate, brilliant, courageous, and passionate. Oh my God, that's me. Oh, they've got my number. Is that a reminder to never stop talking about how I'm set alpha?
Actually, that's just an appeal to tribalism. Oh, come on! That's a subtle way I need one! No!
Listen, Myers-Briggs, Type A, Type B, they all play off how good it feels to be given your personality or your identity from being in a group, but it's all bullshit! I'm a Ravenclaw. It's like if I randomly said everyone born in an even number year is a cat, everyone born in an odd number year is a dog. That would be ridiculous. Anyone want to play fetch with me?
I can't. I'm going to go take a nap.
You would, you cat. What can I say? I'm a cat! Total cat.
God dammit, I should have known Raf was right. What did Raf say? You're all dumb as hell. That is so true. |
cracked | 5_first_ladies_more_badass_than_their_husbands | There should be an action movie about Dolly Madison, and not just because she saved White House paintings from British troops that burned the place down in 1814. Her movie's title would be First Lady, First Blood, because she was the John Rambo of emotion, throat ripping her way through 81 years of social strain and personal trauma. Her husband, 4th President James Madison, was a short, shy charisma vacuum. So Dolly spent every day being so fun and sociable, she made James electable by association. She also invented the job of First Lady slash America's cool mom. Before Dolly, President's wives were known for waiting for a national capital to be constructed and briefly staying in the White House while the paint dried. Dolly hosted the major White House functions for James, and often for his predecessor, the widower and freedom oxymoron, Thomas Jefferson.
And it was hard, but it was easier than the entire rest of her life. At age 25, Dolly lost her first husband and younger son to Yellow Fever, becoming a single mom in musket times. Dolly's remaining son drank away all of her money, then all of James' money, then sued her relatives for their money till he eventually died of karma, probably. Anyway, this left his old widowed mother to die in poverty. Oh wait, she edited and cataloged James' papers and then sold them to Congress to support herself.
Boom. Next up, Sarah Polk, whose action movie would be a Judge Dredd sequel. Sarah was the law.
Her White House events had no dancing, no cards, and no liquor, because fun is for people who aren't busy holding America together. You see, her husband, James K. Polk, spent his presidency in old-timey bad health. So Mrs. Polk handled his correspondence, read newspapers for him, ran his campaign, and essentially kept him alive long enough to serve one term and conquer half of Mexico. Despite her efforts, James died three months after his time in office. And Sarah died soon after him.
Just kidding, she lived 42 more years dressed in black every day and receiving tons of visitors because despite her iron will, everybody liked her. Even Andrew Jackson called her, quote, wealthy, pretty, ambitious, and intelligent. And Andrew Jackson saw most other humans as dueling opponents.
Edith Wilson was the second wife of Woodrow Wilson, a president who kept us out of World War I, pushed us into World War I, and ended the glorious era of POTUS facial hair. Anyway, he was fine, but Edith was the Sarah Connor of First Ladies. Because with unprecedented warfare raging across the globe, Edith Wilson found the strength to lead humanity. During the war, Edith ran a wartime White House rationing goods and letting sheep graze on the lawn. And when Woodrow suffered a debilitating stroke in 1919, leaving him bedridden, Edith handled all of his business for a year and a half. No one saw him without her permission, no decisions happened without her involvement. She ran such a tight ship, many of Woodrow's advisors thought he was dead, and she was keeping it on the DL. But he was totally alive, kind of. Edith just ran America for him.
And today she's so forgotten she might as well have traveled through time and prevented Skynet despite kind of being our first female president. And if the 20th century were a fairer time, Eleanor Roosevelt would have been our first female president for realsies. She's the Schwarzenegger of First Ladies, a cartoonishly impressive titan of public life who set a new standard for a weird job. Actually, I take back the Schwarzenegger comparison. Eleanor is tougher. Arnold made the movie Junior just to brag about that one time he had a baby in real life, whereas Eleanor had six kids on top of working for the Red Cross in World War One, writing a daily newspaper column for 27 years, caring for her polio-stricken husband till his death, putting up with that husband's constant cheating because, like I said, unfair times, and serving most of her post-White House life as a delegate to the United Nations and chair of the UN Human Rights Commission.
Also, she survived losing both her parents by age 10, got hit by a car at age 60, and still finished her autobiography. She's famous for a reason. And Rosalind Carter isn't famous for some reason. Maybe it's because during her husband Jimmy Carter's presidency, she rolled like Jesse Ventura's character in Predator, much like Blaine ain't got time to bleed. Rosalind Carter didn't see herself as having time to party plan or to bellyache about her problems. She lost her father at age 13, co-raised her three younger siblings, still graduated second in her high school class, and sent herself to college.
And when Jimmy ran for president, she campaigned for him on her own in 41 states, helping her relatively unknown husband win a squeaker. Once in the White House, Mrs. Carter celebrated and chillaxed by attending cabinet meetings, and crisscrossing the country to research what regular people thought of the administration's ideas. She also made official diplomatic trips to Latin America and Southeast Asia, tackled the Cambodian refugee crisis, and did so much honest-to-goodness work as first lady that Congress appropriated money to get Rosalind a support staff. She also got on the board of the National Association of Metal Health before Jimmy was ever president.
She's fought for mental health since the Quaalude era, and it is so important to so many Americans who aren't me that mental health care exists. Because so many Americans who aren't me need that resource. You know, so few Americans are like me and can hold all their problems in without ever talking about them or ever addressing them and have no complicated.
Hey, you guys, thank you so much for watching. Please do all the YouTube things. There should be a first lady action movie, right? Like a comic book thing or like there's explosions or something. Give us a log line in the comments for what you think would be an amazing picture. And that's all that will happen. |
ClickHole | how_these_compassionate_parents_were_able_to_give_their_child_s_murderer_a_piggyback_ride | It's an incredible story of kindness against all odds. In July 1994, Roger and Meredith Fulton's twelve-year-old son was murdered in cold blood. Twenty years later, they found it in their hearts to give their son's killer a piggyback ride. Your son, Andrew, was murdered by Jonathan Wetley during a robbery.
Yes. When you was released early on a technicality, you did something remarkable, something not that many people could do. You gave your son's killer a piggyback ride. Yes. Yes, we did. After grieving for so many years, we realized that we needed to move on and stop hating the man who murdered our son and instead see him as a person in need, a person in need of a piggyback ride.
The Fultons contacted Wetley after he was released on parole and asked if he would agree to meet them. While Wetley agreed, he had no idea what to expect. I didn't know what they wanted, you know?
I figured they hated me because of what I did, but that's not what happened. They gave me a piggyback ride. Despite what I did to their son, they were able to give me a piggyback ride. I'm sorry. When someone has done something so utterly monstrous to you, how do you offer that person a piggyback ride? Well, it wasn't easy. I mean, this man was 150 pounds. But I think in the end, it was the right thing to do. I think it's what Andy would have wanted. Some might say that this man did not deserve your piggyback ride. No matter what you've done, no matter who you are, you can always, always ask for a piggyback. |
dropout | google_street_view_guys | Hey, how's it going, man? My name's Evan. You must be Mark. Uh, no, it's Mike.
Oh, I apologize. All right. Um, should I bring peep jerky in the car? Just get in the car. All right, my bad. Okay.
So, street view it's called, huh? Yeah, I mean, how long can it take? What are we in there? Two weeks?
Yeah, I guess. It should be no problem. I guess. I don't know.
I'm just driving here. This is really exciting. I don't know about you, Mark. When I was a kid, I made a map to a treasure check. You sit back, I can't see the rear view. Driving on the highway, looking for Google Maps. Look, you know what? I think I've had it with the singing. Okay. Driving on the highway, thinking how you can do it now.
Man, look at all that sand. You ever think about trying to count all the grains? Might take almost as long as trying to photograph every street in America. Oh, man, that's deep.
Look at that mountain. That's the mountain from, uh...
Oh, man, I love that movie. It's got that guy from Jaws in it, Richard Scheider. The guy from Jaws, or another one who's like, Look out! Richard Dreyfus!
Okay, all right, all right, all right. I'm turning on the radio. Uh, Kai Drive? No. Come on. No. Come on, let me drive.
I called Shotgun, and now I regret it. This is taking longer than I thought.
There it is, that famous arch. The golden arch. The big arch. The archway to have...
Shut the fuck up. We're in Detroit. Oh, God. Drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive.
Lock the doors. Can you please lock the doors? Where's the lock?
Bethesda, Mike, Bethesda, Maryland. That's where my mom lives. Oh, wait, this is my mom's street. Oh, Mike, Mike, right there, on the right. No, I'm not stopping. That's my mom's house. I'm not stopping. Mike, that's my mom's house.
We have a responsibility. Oh, man. That was my mom. Google.
New Jersey. Shut up. The Garden State. Shut up. New Jersey. Shut up.
Bruce Springsteen. Stop it. Bon Jovi. Oh, man.
Where are we? How long have I been asleep?
What is this? Is this Atlanta? This seems pretty nice.
We're in Taiwan. Where's Taiwan?
We got orders from Google. We have to do the whole earth. This is a lot of Asian people here. |
cracked | 4_iconic_movie_characters_who_are_secretly_sociopaths_yboc_elf_x_2 | This video is brought to you by NordVPN. Head over to NordVPN.com slash YBOC for 68% off a two-year plan and four months free.
Plus, it just really helps the show. Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Happy holidays, nerds. My name is St. Dr. Jordan Breeding and I would say Merry Christmas, but somebody on the internet said that was illegal now and I'm kind of in enough trouble as is. You're watching a special Christmas-themed episode of Your Brain on Christmas, the show where I only actually have one Christmas idea, but SEO takes precedence and it's also the only show on crack where literally the first thing I ever talked about was Christmas and nerds. I'm feeling nostalgic. Not only do your parents already know that Santa got you a life-size anatomically correct Lego replica of Black Widow, they stayed up all the night helping Santa put it together to lazy bitch. I am lactose intolerant. Anyway, today I'll make like Santa Claus does whenever he enters a person's home while they sleep and perform a soft crime by diagnosing.
Psychopaths are like he's that are actually she's that are actually changelings. You don't always recognize them for what they are. In that case, be extra careful. Movies usually do such a good job distracting us with explosions and boobs. We don't notice actual fully-unhinged lunatics just sitting there being, you know, crazy, but I notice them because I have a degree in Yuletide psycho spotting.
El follows Will Ferrell as Buddy, a human orphan who was found in Santa's bag of toys after a wild drunken night of giving gifts to children. Santa and his Bob Newhart looking elves raise the boys, one of Santa's little helpers, until the day he leaves for New York City to seek out his biological father. And after finding love and saving Chris, Buddy heads back home to the North Pole where he truly belongs and drags along his human wife who almost certainly does not belong because let's back up for a second. Santa found a baby on Chris's sleeve and decided to just keep him. Look at you. Then he raises the kids specifically to work for him for no pay forever. Santa makes no effort to return the child to the orphanage from whence he came and you might think it'd be hard to remember which one, but Santa knows exactly where Buddy's dad and everybody else lives, so surely he could figure out where he accidentally abducted the child from. And even if not, maybe he could use his powers to find a loving home with good people who probably want nothing more for c**ts than to raise a child of their own. And again, Santa knows who Buddy's real father is and even though granted he is a naughty daddy, he's also a human daddy. But instead of trying to repair that broken family, Santa instead opts to raise the child in a hostile environment populated by, for all intents and purposes, aliens.
In the movie, the North Pole is the exclusive realm of elves, mystical creatures whose biological makeup is considerably different from a human being's. Buddy grows twice as fast and large as his coworkers, but there's never any attempt to accommodate him. Everything about his living situation is ridiculously undersized. He's terrible at his job because he has normal human reflexes instead of preternatural elf finger dexterity and they force him to eat an elvish diet which, may I remind you, is a surefire path to an early snow grave. They better have a doctor as talented as me up there in a medical clinic stocked with insulin shots because Buddy 100% has hyper-diabetes, not to mention malnourishment and rotten teeth. Oh, by the way, don't eat the elvish milk.
Oh, I know that. Raising a human child in this environment is like finding a baby bird in your yard but opting to raise it in the toilet because you just don't feel like getting the ladder out of the garage. Ah!
Even if you are maladjusted enough to think that keeping random children like Lucky Penny's is fine as long as they're orphans, remember, the day after Christmas, that orphanage will have to report a missing child, a child who is now at the North Pole and will never, ever be found. The children love the books. That's right, an innocent social worker is going to prison because Santa had already changed into his comfy pants.
It didn't feel like going back out in the snow. Back off, Slick. I'm a little old-fashioned.
When I run some teenage boy over with my car so hard they fall unconscious, I at least consider taking them to the hospital before dragging their lifeless body into my home, removing their clothes and stuffing them into my underage daughter's bed. And even if I did do those things in this completely unreal, hypothetical scenario, if they did wake up, I would at a minimum check them for a concussion and at least take note of anything they said that sounded like maybe they weren't thinking super clearly. You know, because I hit them with a car and dragged them for 17 miles before I noticed. Hypothetically. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I mean, it's as my grandma always says. If you prowl some pedestrian to sleep with your motor wagon, receive his options, I would take in them to a doctor warehouse or drive away as fast as possible. Less culpability. Of course, the experience of it was somewhat different.
Well, Marty's grandparents and back to the future clearly didn't know my grandmother. Either that or they're full-on social nihilists who don't give a shit about anybody.
Let me explain. Sam, here's the young man you hit with your car out there. He's all right, thank God. How are you doing in the middle of the street? A kid your age?
Don't pay any attention to him. He's in one of his moods.
Okay, so Marty's grandpa slams into Marty with his car. That's bad. Sure, but it's also not really his fault. I mean, Marty and more specifically his dad were dicking around in the street after trying to get a quick glimpse of Marty's mom's areolas. Although on the flip side, this clearly isn't Marty's grandpa's first rodeo. Another one of these damn kids jumped in front of my car. Either Lorraine is extremely popular with local perverts or Marty's grandpa is extremely bad at not running children over. Or maybe both. Either way, feels like he should consider changing something about the situation. Buy some blinds, don't drive. I spilled beer all over when that car smashed into me. But okay, at least grandpa brings Marty inside to keep an eye on him and his injuries instead of letting him bleed out in the street.
But that's really only a nice thing for like what, 20 minutes tops? Lorraine reveals Marty was unconscious for freaking nine hours. How long have you been there? A few minutes. You're telling me that kid you hit with a car was asleep for more than an entire work day and you never once considered taking him to the hospital? You could be in a freaking coma for all you know.
He's a very strange young man. He's an idiot. Even worse, once Marty does manage to stumble downstairs, he starts spending a bunch of nonsense about having seen TV shows that haven't aired and mentioning politicians that nobody knows and referring to roads that have never been built.
Lorraine says that Marty should spend the night because they almost killed him with the car and Marty's grandma's basically like, oh yeah, I mean, I guess. Yeah, you could spend the night if you want. I mean, here, take my daughter as penance for my sins. Sleep with her. You're so, you're so.
And when Marty hops up to leave because his mom won't stop trying to, you know, squeeze his dick under the table, his grandma just says that he's a strange boy. His grandpa takes it a step further and says, he's an idiot.
Both are interesting names to call somebody whose brain is probably misfiring a bit, you know, due to getting slammed onto the pavement by a moving car. Can somebody chase after that kid? Or are they calling ambulance for the love of crap? When I was your age, I never chased a boy or the boy.
In the first X-Men movie, one of Mutenheim's worst enemies was Senator Robert Kelly. Kelly was staunchly anti-Muty and advocated for a mutant registry. He believed mutants were too dangerous to be allowed to roam free without normal people knowing what they're capable of.
To counter his argument, a naked blue woman and her man frog friend kidnapped him and just melted him into goo. It was a very compelling argument. This is how Congress should resolve all debates.
After Kelly liquefies, Mystique takes his form and impersonates him in the Senate to advocate for mutant rights. X-Men fans still aren't sure about this particular issue. I mean, sure, his views were a little fascist, but it also seems reasonable to know which nearby people might suddenly blast lasers or squirt acid. And also, I think killing people and impersonating them afterwards is bad, right? I don't know. We may never know who is right. You're wasting your time, shiny Jesus. All I know is that Mystique played the role of Senator Kelly for way, way too long. She's still impersonating Kelly in the second film, running around in his pink human skin with his pink human dong, fighting for mutant casual Fridays or whatever. This is a problem, though, because Mystique can't just pretend to be Senator Kelly whenever mutant right discussions pop up.
She has to attend every single bullsh-t town hall meeting. She has to call donors. She has to get fitted for tuxedos. She has to sexually harass his secretary and sleep with the man's wife, which, yeah, there's that. Ugh! She has to do it right too or she'll get found out.
Does Mystique like dirty talk, role-playing? Do Mystique's shape-changing powers automatically make her junk the perfect size or does she have to guess based on Kelly's goo puddle? Regardless, this is legally rape, right? What's the matter, baby? You don't think I look pretty like this? But maybe she does know, but the sex is so good, Mystique doesn't care if it's really her husband or not. Like, maybe Mystique can rib her shapeshifted penis for her pleasure. What I'm trying to say is that X2 is basically a face-off sequel. By fully concentrating on her needs and pleasures he brought her to the point where she reciprocated for him and found herself a newly devout worshipper at the altar of his sex. Ugh! And what about when Mystique isn't banging her new wife?
What is the Kelly family gonna talk about at dinner? Hello, new old family! Hey, just for fun, why don't we go around and say a few of our favorite hobbies and then our names?
My name is- John Cena! John Cena!
Every single day for months Mystique is gonna be thrown into all sorts of awkward situations as she stumbles through the life of this dead man she's pretending to be. And the thing is, people in that world know there are evil mutants and that one of them is a shapeshifter and it's perfectly sane to assume that said shapeshifter might target mutantkind's most vocal political opponent. So she has to be flawless in her performance, as meticulous as a sociopath hiding their serial killer tendencies for decades.
Ah! Bruce Almighty is the story of a man who gains all the power in the universe and uses that power to fix the world by inflating Jennifer Aniston's boobs and murdering a sh-ton of Japanese people. It is a cute, cute movie. ["The World's Ever Seen"] Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap! Ha ha! Just can't get it out of my head, man. Oh, good luck with that. See, Bruce wouldn't have killed all those Japanese people or shoved all those monkeys up people's asses if Morgan Freeman didn't give him the power to do so in the first place. And when Bruce fairly asks God whether he's pulled some stunt like this before and just given up for a while, God asks Bruce if he's ever heard of the Dark Ages and then laughs, presumably remembering all the peasants whose extremities turned black and fell off. Nice one, God. And he saw that it was good. Hilarious.
Once again, your unwillingness to do your damn job will end thousands, maybe millions of people's lives. Obviously, there's the aforementioned Japanese tidal wave created by Bruce screwing with the moon so he could screw with large-breasted Jennifer, but there's also worldwide violent mass riots in the wake of Bruce just answering everybody's prayers with a yes.
Yeah, everybody's prayers. ["The World's Ever Seen"] And then later, ignoring the mountains of corpses, Morgan Freeman laments at how just damned whiny everybody is and how they're always looking up for help. Of course they're looking up. Isn't that the whole thing? Morgan Freeman is basically just like, please, leave me the hell alone.
I wanna go inflate some boobs on my own time. And Morgan further tips his detached, deist hand when he says, parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it. So you're saying, Morgan, that you see her impossible struggle and you just choose to not get involved. Like, you don't wanna get her a promotion at one of her jobs or a green light on the way to soccer practice. I'm not sure anything in her life qualifies as a miracle, unless she's also feeding the entire soccer team a halftime with a single orange.
Orange. Just come out your crack, man. Hey kids, it's me, Santa. You can tell that it's Santa because I'm wearing a lot of red, like Santa does, who I am. I wanted to give you an update on your presents for this year, your Christmas presents. I'm not afraid to say it.
My first plan was to buy you all the John Wick movies on Blu-ray because that guy is so darn cool. But as it turns out, they cost a lot and I don't have much besides elf money. So what I thought was, well, I'll just let them subscribe to Netflix or something and they can watch it on there. But as it turns out, unless you live in Australia, you can't watch John Wick. You can't watch it on Netflix. Whose idea was that? So what I've decided to do instead is get you a big discount on NordVPN because when you use NordVPN, you can change your IP address to look like you're in Australia and then you can watch all the John Wick movies on your own. Just go to NordVPN slash YBOC, which stands for Yuletide, baby. Oh, Christmas. And then you get frigging 68% off of to your plan and four months free. And if you want to watch something that's not John Wick, that's fine.
There's lots of countries. As your dad mentioned earlier, there's horse shows. That's your thing in Canada.
And don't forget, the whole thing is backed by a top cybersecurity firm, which means that perverts can't get you. And I don't like perverts because I'm Santa. Santa doesn't like perverts. They're on the naughty list.
They get cold every year. And remember, NordVPN has a 30-day risk-free guarantee, which means that if you don't like what I've given you, what I've blessed you with, you can return it after 30 days, get all your money back, no harm, no foul. Santa has a thick skin. He can take it. So anyway, remember, go to NordVPN.com slash YBOC today, sign up, and you can thank Santa for all of your John Wicking.
And as they say, and it's a wonderful life, Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter! Happy New Year to you in jail.
Yeah, so I'd accuse Santa of severe child abuse. Marty's grandparents have attempted second-degree homicide and call me Kratos, baby, because I just slew a guy.
This is true as well. Anyway, be sure to see Kathy on your way out to grab some anti-psychotics in case you see God and or Morgan Freeman, so you can just shove them in their mouth. And you may want some for yourself, because if you're seeing God, that's not super common, unless he's in a manger. Merry Christmas.
And remember, they're backed by a top cyber security firm which keeps the perverts away. And I don't like perverts, because they're cutting into my game of breaking into your house. But I'm giving you toys. They're giving you herpes. I'm not gonna use this. |
cracked | why_the_world_of_classical_music_is_secretly_insane | Welcome to Everything Boring is Awesome, the show where information makes lame stuff into stuff that's cool as hell. This week, classical music, a musical genre so awesome, it's awesome even if you don't like the songs. Because it's beautiful music, written by nutjobs, in between the times they wrote the stupidest music in the world that spawned generations of tuxedoed hunger games.
The more European ancestors you have, the more likely it is one of them had Sex with Franz Liszt, or at least tried to. Because when Franz Liszt toured 19th century Europe, he had women throwing themselves at him just by playing the piano, literally throwing themselves, physically attacking Liszt, screaming as they tried to tear off a souvenir piece of his clothing, or meal, or hair. It was full on Beatlemania. It's what Beatlemania's name came from, and Franz Liszt created Lisztomania by inventing rock stardom. He even invented most of what rock stars do in concert, making his entrance on stage and event, playing while thrashing his hair and making John Mayer faces, improvising solos in the middle of songs, and being too cool to play while looking at sheet music. He was so great at piano, there was a legend about him that he had an extra finger. Also, he had sex with a lot of groupies, which was common in that business. Next time you hear classical music by any composer, think of it as classic classic rock, written by a hard thrashing, babe-nailing rebel, because tons of those guys performed and lived like maniacs, partly because their crowds were what we think of as rock audiences. In the 1800s, concertgoers would cheer, yell, or boo in the middle of the classical music, like a thousand psychotic stettler and Waldorf's. So the performers fought for their attention by rocking out. Franz Liszt perfected that, and he based his frontman style on violinist Nikolao Paganini, the king of hair-whipping, Hendrix-style shredding. Then there was the era's Axl Rose, Ludwig van Beethoven, a temperamental jerk who'd bail mid-concert if he didn't like the crowd's vibe.
Richard Wagner was a proto-David Bowie, writing fantastical operas about sex, love, and death, and occasionally attending them wearing women's clothing. Hector Berlioz turned it up to 11 and did his era's version of stacking too many amplifiers on stage by assembling orchestras of over a thousand musicians. Igor Stravinsky was like a talented Marilyn Manson. His 1913 ballet, The Rite of Spring, was based on creepy human sacrifices. It started a riot within 15 minutes of the first note of its Paris premiere, a riot that was allegedly Stravinsky's goal. Classical music's true death-battle king, Alexander Skriabin, held concerts with the explicit purpose of driving demons out of the audience. And his life's final composition, Mysterium, was written to be played for seven straight days and then bring about the apocalypse.
And when these rock stars weren't shredding, apocalypsing, or rioting, they were boning. Weirdly boning.
Violinist Antonio Vivaldi was known as the Red Priest for his double life as a clergyman and an alleged seducer of everyone. Impressionist composer Claude Debassay bed hopped so frequently he drove his scorned lovers to attempt suicide. Baroque Italian composer Alessandro Stradella had a string of affairs, got in trouble for stealing somebody else's mistress, and got stabbed to death over it by assassins. Sacred music master Carlo Gessualdo violently murdered his first wife. Then he remarried. That second wife accused him of witchcraft-based affairs with two household servants. Even a relatively normal family man like Johann Sebastian Bach familyed like a maniac, fathering twenty kids across two marriages.
And composers had rock star style eccentric demands, too. Much like Van Halen insisted on Green M&Ms only, French composer Eric Satie only ate foods that were white. Also Arnold Schoenberg was convinced the number 13 would kill him, Anton Bruckner made a point of touching the skulls of corpses, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart wrote hundreds of letters to his cousin that were long-arriving poop joke poems. Also he wrote even dirtier music because next fun fact. Many modern classical composers write music that's... unconventional. Like David Cope, who's spent decades teaching computers to make classical music. Or Philip Glass, whose piece about Albert Einstein is a bunch of people counting numbers over and over again. Or John Cage, whose piece 433 is straight up silence. But those guys aren't going weird because they don't think they can compete with classical greats like Mozart. They're continuing the tradition of great classical composers writing a whole lot of nonsense whenever they can.
Like Baroque composer Domenico Scarlatti, who let his cat walk across a keyboard, kept track of what happened, and turned that into a fugue in G minor. Musicians still perform another stupid cat joke of the past. It's called Dueta Bufo de Duigati, an unattributed 1800s piece where two opera singers pretend to be cats having an argument. And Mozart was the king of bonkers tunes. He improvised nonsense poop jokes into live performances. He wrote one piece called A Musical Joke, which had wrong notes written into it to make the musicians look like idiots. Not how jokes work, buddy! Perhaps Mozart's finest work of stupidity was called Lick My Ass, a ballad written for six singers who would be willing to sing something called Lick My Ass. Mozart even wrote a sequel called Lick My Ass, Nice and Clean, because apparently the first one was a hit, or they hadn't invented that parental advisory sticker for CDs that saved America.
I don't know, man. I can't get into his head. I'm just some guy. I'm not a perfect demigod of excellence, which is the person you need to be to play the works of Mr. Lick My Ass as a paid professional.
If you see an opera, and I know opera is scary boring, remember the title of the show. This will pay off. If you see an opera, don't think of it as boring Italian song-yelling.
Think of it as the highest achievement of musical astronauts, because every opera singer is an astronaut in terms of winning a spot doing one of Earth's most difficult jobs. But while astronauts receive universal respect as science heroes, opera singers receive universal presumption that they are that stereotypical fat lady, a lady you did not question when we put her on screen, even though she's borderline made up. In actuality, women of all body types perform opera. Opera is pretty inclusive and great, and as far as the men go, their range of physiques includes stacked ones like these.
Hey, my eyes are over here. Also the rest of me is here. Please look.
Big League opera singers like Nathan Gunn maintain rigorous workout routines to keep their bodies in performing shape, and often in appealing shape. Singers also eat and drink every day, knowing that the human voice gets worse if you consume alcohol, caffeine, dairy, salty food, spicy food, citrus, or bananas, all of which dry out vocal cords or cause phlegm buildup. And merely eating and training like an athlete won't be enough. It takes rigorous daily singing practice to train your voice to fill a concert hall without a microphone. And according to professional opera singers like the Metropolitan Opera's David Lee, good luck getting anywhere in opera without three degrees from top music conservatories, professional representation, a stack of awards, years of dues paying, and a hell of a lot of luck. And getting any of those steps right takes talent, versatility, financial backing, and the ability to at least fake your way through four entire languages if not speak them fluently. So don't get hung up on whether you like listening to opera. Appreciate its singers for their backstories, as an athlete and a linguist and a Beyonce all rolled into one.
And give yourself that same astounded awe of any person you see performing classical music the non-vocal way, on an instrument. Click your way to this Lillian Mark's article on Cracked from 2011. It taught me that brass players push their bodies so hard they wreck them, sometimes to the point of making their retinas bleed mid-rehearsal. Also, many string players train their entire lives to end up playing the equivalent of data entry. Many orchestras are carnivals of sexism. And surveys find professional musicians are about as satisfied with their work as our nation's flight attendants and prison guards are with theirs. But because these dick-waving nut jobs wrote some music that's wonderful inspiring art, the world's classical musicians battle it out, generation after generation, for the right to play it. And every instrument-wielding professional in that orchestra you're watching, and don't feel as entertaining enough, has an epic backstory they poured their lives into to get to wear that bow tie. That boring bow tie, admittedly. A composer tried to end the world.
Hey guys, please come out to UCB sunset to see the next live Cracked podcast. It's going to be December 10th, and we're going to be doing our year in review ep. We're calling it the year in review in review.
What does that mean? I actually legitimately don't know yet, but I'm going to figure it out before then. And it's going to be awesome. Hope to see you there. |
dropout | stormtroopers_9_11 | I don't know I just feel like we all have really great aim until the second we put on these helmets You know, I don't want to be a downer, but you guys do know what tomorrow is what's my anniversary of the death star The Death Star. Oh, yeah. Oh my god. It's been a year already Man such a huge thing and all it took was a couple x-wings to take it down Yeah, I remember I was in chorus on training waiting here some friends made it out and of course they didn't because Well, it blew up evaporated. Yeah, like a big colorful firecracker.
No one was getting out of there guys know I was It's actually on my way to the Death Star that morning No, forgot to set my alarm got caught in space traffic if it hadn't been for that space traffic Well, you can't think about that. I don't think about that. Are you gonna drive your I'd be dead. Yeah, I guess I'd be dead Yeah, it's just so eerie Hey, look at that part of the galaxy where the Death Star used to be just Nothing.
Yeah, so waiting on that memorial right now. It's just a Space garden on the space garden. I hear they're gonna build a new one though. It's gonna be almost as big Eight times a big time. Just haven't we learned anything?
Look, I mean you don't rebuild The Jedi's way of Jedi's I'll tell you something. They hate our way of life Now just because someone believes in the force doesn't mean they're gonna go blow up a space station. All right. Yeah, maybe Listen, we have all of this technology, right? We can't find Luke Skywalker one guy one guy Hiding out in the cave somewhere in Dagobah, you know, honestly, I just think Palpatine knew all along And he let it happen just to justify go into Hoth. Here we go. No, I'm serious What Darth Vader happens to be in a TIE fighter with the whole thing goes down, please Yeah, all right. All right. No, let me go. I read the engineering Okay, there was no way one x-wing could have taken this thing out Okay, no way it had to be a controlled demolition Connor. Nobody wants to hear this.
You're blind. You are blind, sir You're blind.
Whatever. You're all a bunch of drones. Hey, keep your voice your drones, especially the drones here Have a drink. You guys want another round? You want another round Yeah, you know what actually To the Death Star Death Star you |
TheOnion | Chef_Cooks_Dream_Omelet_That_Came_To_Him_In_A_Dream | Joined now by Chef Adam Scott, famous cookbook author and chef, and he's going to show us how to get our day started off the right way with a hot meal. Welcome back to the show, Adam.
Jim, it's always a pleasure to be here. Thanks.
Now, what have we got cooking up today? Today, we're going to be making what I call the dream omelet. The dream omelet.
That sounds great. Yep. I call it that because the recipe came to me in a dream. Alrighty. So let's get started. That's right. Hand me my shoehorn over there. Shoehorn. I got it. Yep.
We're going to be adding about a tablespoon of butter to our pan here. Get that melted up nice.
Doesn't that have to be a metal shoehorn? Yeah. Well, this is a metal shoehorn because that's what I was using in the dream. I suppose you could use a plastic one or even a spatula, but I can't guarantee that it'll come out the point as well.
Don't mess with success. Got a nice medium heat. Okay.
Let's get three eggs. Three eggs. Now, these eggs have something written on them.
Yes. They say WW2 on them. The night that I had the dream, I was watching a World War II documentary, and all of the eggs already said WW2 on them. Be hard to find those, though. Yeah. Any felt tip pen, write it right on there for yourself. Oh, perfect. Crack some eggs. Get those done over here. Yep.
No problem. Okay. You got to keep this moving because if you don't, then your high school principal, Mr. Pivnick, he's going to give you a call, so you want to keep that moving pretty good. Okay.
So what do we need?
Give me that whisk. Whisk.
Okay. Yeah. Now, you want to make sure you use a whisk because if you use a fork, Robin Williams is going to come and offer you to lend you his whisk. Uh-huh.
And then the two of you need to go up to his grandparents' attic, and there's millions of doors up there. Millions.
Okay. So you're going to have to wait yourself a little bit of time and use yourself a regular whisk. Okay.
Real easy. Anybody can do this. You're just going to get that right into the pan there. Listen to that sizzle.
You put that on, and get me three pieces of bacon out of the bathroom cabinet. Three pieces of bacon out of the bathroom cabinet coming up?
Yep. Do you need the toothpaste? No. Toothpaste is for later when your landlord comes. He's going to need some help starting his car with it.
All right. So we're going to put the bacon right in the pan. Yeah. Then we're going to take and we're going to dice up a lemon. Okay. Now, when you chop this up, you're going to see that it turns into a tomato. I noticed that right away. Yeah. That's the way that it was in the dream.
Now, I took and I made these before the show because it seems in the real world that lemon tomatoes don't really exist. You're just going to take and put those right into your pan.
Oh, it's starting to smell so good, Adam. Just like so. Doesn't it, though? I know.
You'll hear the old church bell ring.
Uh-huh. Then you know it's done. Oh, okay. Just that simple, huh? In the interest of time on television, we have one ready for you. Of course. Okay.
We have our keys on there. We have our graham crackers. All set.
Looks so beautiful. Now, of course, at the end of the dream, if you still have all your teeth, this thing's going to taste fantastic. |
cracked | steve_carell_will_not_be_reviving_michael_scott_for_the_office_spin_off | Will Steve Carell be making a surprise appearance in the Office reboot?
In the original run, making the Office watchable after losing Steve Carell was an impossible task, but the new show seems promising, as an expansion of the Office franchise with a new mockumentary series, set at a struggling Midwestern newspaper with Donald Gleason as one of its leads.
During an interview with the premiere of his old co-star, John Krasinski's children's film If, in which Carell plays the role of Blue, the former regional manager of Dunder Mifflin's Scranton, set the record straight on fan speculation that he would show up in the new series, telling The Hollywood Reporter, I will be watching, but I will not be showing up.
He added, I think it's just a new thing, and there's really no reason for my character to show up in something like that, but I'm excited about it.
It sounds like a great conceit, I love the idea, I worked with Donald Gleason, he's an excellent actor and a super nice guy, so I think it'll be great. |
dropout | vibrators_for_women_designed_by_men_ch_shorts | Introducing the Lovematic Annihilator, another vibrator for women, designed by men. Through extensive research of Reddit and this one porno I dig, we designed a vibrator with everything a woman could want. First, a hyper long shaft, thick too. This shaft is designed to give her unending waves of pleasure, it's for her. Only 25% of women orgasm through vaginal penetration and while this thing is 90% penetration, we do have something for every woman. The Lovematic Annihilator's rotating clitoral stimulator is sure to get that random niche group of 75% of women going wild.
Where'd the pit go? To a pleasure city. Studies show the clitoris, or clitoris, is the most sensitive part of a woman's sexual organ. I think it's by the top. So our attachment will sort of flap on it for a while.
This vibrator also comes with a multi-setting vibrating bullet to suit any rhythm a woman desires. Now while we can't prove it, we assume that each woman's body is different. Some prefer the rhythm of a button being pushed on an elevator that never comes. Some like the rhythm of the last few kernels popping in a bag of microwave popcorn, while still others prefer the rhythm of a drunk guy fingering you, you know, super hard up top with like a long pause right after, something for all three types of women. And for a little extra pleasure, we added a pneumatic core so that it goes all the way in and all the way out with every stroke.
It's for her. Cool. The Annihilator also has a number of sexy, hyper-realistic features to simulate real, authentic man sex. Oh yeah, can I comment you? Oh, you want deeper? Cool, cool, cool. It randomly switches into baby talk and sometimes calls you a slut without understanding the cultural weight or baggage women are forced to bear. She'll love it. It's for you. Yeah, like that? All for you.
We know what you want. We figured it out. I caught you.
I'm a really nice guy. No one's ever faked it with me.
Don't use this if you're a bitch. The Lovematic Annihilator. Honestly, can women even orgasm?
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
And, sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can like, I can see the top of the camera, so it's, is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_aerotoilet_snl | Wow, family reunion isn't it. We Haven't had this many people in the house in two years. I Know, but I'm honestly a little worried about all these people using our bathroom. Can The septic handle it? Don't worry. We've got AeroToilet. Aero What? From The Makers of AeroBed, now there's AeroToilet. The Inflatable guest toilet you can really go to the bathroom in. Huh. In seconds, it's fully inflated and ready to use. And Voila, your home office becomes our new guest bathroom. Wow, that's amazing. Go Ahead, give it a try. Oh, boy. Whoa, whoa, is it supposed to wobble like this? Just Adjust the firmness with that little toggle there. Oh. Better? Much. I mean, I'm using this exactly the way I'd use a regular ceramic toilet. That's the whole point. I mean, I can really do it all. And more. An AeroToilet Goes anywhere, and it's so affordable. You'll want one for every corner of your house. And Since there's no plumbing, there's no place AeroToilet Can't go. OK, that's awesome. Oh, great party, Terry. And I Love the house. What is it, a three bedroom, nine bath? There's even inflatable toilet paper and an inflatable magazine if you get bored. Ooh, he's ready for another hot dog. Right After this game. Oh, wow. Looks Like it's getting pretty full. Yeah. Now What? Well, when it's time for the guests to leave, all you do is open this handy bell. John, not in here. There's no plumbing. Oh, my god. It's going everywhere. Everybody, all right. AeroToilet, from the Makers of AeroBend. Not Safe for pool use. Occupied. |
dropout | perfect_body_lesbian_kiss_and_ball_busting_collegehumor_comment_show | Welcome to the comment show where we respond to your YouTube comments. I think this is actually the original cast of the pilot, if you will. Whoa, boys are back in town! Reunited. I think you should do the honors of the first one because you wrote this video. Yeah.
The secret to a perfect body, colon genetics. With genetics I only need to go to the gym once a week and that's just for a shower and a smoothie. Commenter, who really cares, writes, why doesn't the government just spend research on that instead of research on cancer? With genetics the gene for cancer would never activate your DNA, right?
Wow, sounds like you really care. I think they probably do a little bit of both. I got an article that they sequenced someone's DNA. There was like some kid who was in a coma in the hospital. They didn't know what was causing it and they used DNA sequencing to find out it was a rare form of bacteria that was affecting him and they had him better in like two days. So science is on it, dude. Who really cares? Science cares. Emily, you traced your genetic lineage in a very specific way.
So freaking disappointing. You did one of those like mail-in, like where am I from? Like I used to take a cot and spit it out. No, it was more than that. You gotta spill it like a whole vial of spit. Pockaloogie and spill the vial and then seal it in a bio, like a biogenetic warning bag and then processed it and then they gave me like the worst fucking result. A lot of it was like unclassifiable. I think you're an alien or like a clone or something. Oh my god, thank you for just spinning my disappointments.
Goombrat writes, I asked people in my nine, nearly ten year class, if they genetically modify themselves and everyone said strength, speed, massive boob job or didn't know the definition. No one said intelligence.
Two of these things are like superpowers, like super strength, super speed, giant boobs. That's definitely what I would do. Closest you can get to mind control without actually being mind control. Superman would be real weird with giant boobs. Super strength, super speed and giant boobs.
I went to intelligence. That's too bad. Honestly, if I had huge boobs though, I could sort of just rest the book there and just be reading while I'm walking around. Mr. Mein Namin. Oh, that's gotta be German.
All I want is sideburns, genetics. That's the guy equivalent to a big boob job. Yeah. Awesome sideburns, Wolverine sideburns. Wolverine sideburns. Actually, I think probably the closest thing for guys is like the ability to grow facial hair, right? Like if you can grow like a real nice solid beard, it's like, that's like, I can't grow sideburns.
Like you see, this just keeps happening. I get like payas or whatever.
Would you ever do it with makeup? Just touch it in.
Zezba 9000 writes, what's ironic is someday you will be able to change your genetics to whatever you most want likely. Transhumanism simply will get rid of genetic discrimination altogether, winky tongue face. Transhumanism and an emoticon. Transhumanism and the same thing as like the singularity, is that?
I feel like I hear those things serious often. I think it's like this.
It's like, I just saw a really great article yesterday. You and your articles. I'm an expert talking about articles. I just saw a really good article that was like, is Edward Snowden the first post human?
And it was because like now he always appears as like on an iPad. And just like roll him around on an iPad because he can't leave.
So they're like, he's like a post human. Transhumanism is kind of like that. Like Travis, I gotta say your video probably has some really some of those provocative thought provoking comments. I love the comments. Collectively like writing like a really great sci-fi novel. I know.
It's like we're like, we'll have big boobs. We'll be able to choose all the boobs we want. And everyone will be dumb as hell.
Would you guys like, if you could say like, you know, you go into the doctor's office, you're like, we're gonna have a baby. And they're like, okay, do you want a girl or boy? Would you make that choice? You should pose this question to our viewers, actually. If I like chose, it was like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna have a boy.
And then it's like, this is a shitty sentence. Like, I should have picked girl. And now it's like my fault. Like, you know, like, it's like, yeah, leave it up to fate. You know, like, it's like, well, you know, like, you got to make do with what you got here, you know.
Very, very intelligent questions. Hottest lesbian kiss ever is asked.
Lesbians, bro. Pokeman260 says, Hey, homophobes. The majority of the U.S. now, she's talking to you. Hey, homophobes. The majority of the U.S. now supports gay marriage slash gay rights. How does it feel to be the minority now, bitches?
Good to see a comment that ends in bitches. This is the most... I do love these comments that are like, really like, they're like, I'm going to make this good point. And then like, bitches are like winky face.
Tech noob dude.
So lesbians are time lords. I'm sick of these stereotypes about all lesbians being time lords, okay? Some lesbians are time lords. That doesn't mean that all lesbians are time lords.
Comic book guy writes, Thank you College Humor for making me need to delete my internet history again. That's true, yeah, like a nice, nice title there. Dude, you don't know the half of it. We're writing sketches here. We... I have to look up the weirdest shit. Right, yeah, it's true. But then sometimes I just do it on my own too.
Ballbusting PSA, which was an all nighter video. He said, Your new name is fruit snack. I said, Hey, please don't call me that. He goes, Hey, I'm just busting balls here.
Scott Swan says, Bunch of guys hanging out talking about where they were from. One guy says Boston. Another says Philly.
Then a guy says Minnesota. And I was like, Hey, what state is Minnesota in? My name is Minnesota for four feet. That's the perfect example of all of us. You make one dumb mistake and it's like, that's your nickname now. Have you ever meet someone new, like who's like new to the group and they're like, Hey, why don't they call you Minnesota? You're from Minnesota.
It's like, oh no. You have to relive your shame every time. Do you guys have nicknames in high school or college? My friend Jason started. Everyone called me EX.
Oh, that's kind of it. But did you like it? I loved it. Yeah.
People just called me trap. They still do now. Just because there's like way too many mics and Michaels. Do you know the Nicki Minaj song?
Bees in the Trap. I always get bees in my trap. My trap in my head when I write you an email.
I wonder what this current state of ball busting is on like construction sites. It must be a little more progressive. They must have entered like a post ball busting. A post ball busting era of construction sites. We have any ball busting in the office?
I bust Adam kind of. I was going to say Adam.
But that's just because he takes such a strong stance on things. It's like I feel like you need to bring him down. He doesn't ball bust. He does like he like self-righteous busts. Like if you're like if I'm using this cup, he's like, oh, don't care about the environment to you.
I see you're circumcised. That's kind of strange. Don't you think? It's funny. They say it's like it's used.
He's like, I'm just busting you balls. Like don't get excited. But it's like ball busting by the name is like a horrible painful thing.
Guy who likes every sports team starring John Gabris. Yeah. I love baseball. Ryan Petoskey says, when idiots put too much merit into men playing a game against each other for way too much money than they deserve. Every sports fan is an idiot. Smiley face. Because this sketch kind of makes fun of bandwagoners a little more and that's sports fans in general. I feel like this is like a sentiment that a lot of people who don't like sports like to do because it's like, it's like, well, I don't get this. So I'm going to like rain on your parade. But it's like, you can like apply the same logic to anyone's hobby.
Like a sci-fi isn't real fantasy. Superheroes aren't real. I don't understand why people spend so much time getting excited about these not real superheroes.
You could say almost the exact same thing about like watching Game of Thrones. It's like, oh, you're paying all these people to dress up in silly costumes. And like, why do you care so much about this?
Rake McCorder. Behold.
I am the guy who likes no sports team. You're the one guy in the world. That's the sequel. It would just be someone being like, I don't get why you like sports.
Yeah. If you put them with Gabers, maybe like the two of them, it's like him just being like, oh, but you got to love this team. I guess not. Well, maybe. What? Okay. Well, how about this one?
Aidwin85 writes, guys who like all sport, all teams are the real sports fans. I mean, yeah, if you just like athleticism, I guess that's true. They're a fan of sports as an idea. As an idea. I enjoy watching humans at their peak physical capabilities.
I mean, I do. You ever watch So You Think You Can Dance? No. No problem if you ever have.
I got into it because it's just like people's whose bodies are just muscle. They're just moving muscle. And again, they make it look so fluid. Olympics are gymnastics.
I try to dance along. So you think you can dance? So the answer is yes, I do think I can dance. And then at the end of every episode, I find out, no, I cannot dance. I thought I could dance. So I thought I could dance. But I can't.
These are comments on the comment shows, what I call the inception part of the episodes, where we go so far up our own ass for more than ever. That's what inception was. It was one journey up an ass. Up we are to cap your ass. The Ook-a-smer. That's the UK ASMR. Hell yeah, my comment was up there.
And yeah, we do love our American accents, winky face. I wonder if British people like American accents. That's funny because I actually looked in the comments to see if people like American accents or not. That's right. I saw a lot more people being like, no, we don't like American accents. And I was like, okay. The same thing where they were like, oh, a British accent. There's so many British accents. We'll also say American accents.
There's also so many. Yeah, there's like Midwest. I got kind of that real charming upstate New York nasal. Heavy Albany accents. I think nasal sort of defines most American accents.
The ones from like the Deep South, can they have an ASMR-ish voice? I wonder. Oh, definitely. Southern voices are so relaxing. I don't know if I've heard one. A nice whispered Southern voice. Toby Key.
It's not fair. We don't see these before. Someone else is picking me, so it's not our fault. We won't fall for it again. Not again.
I'd like to see what he has to say to that, you know? Yeah.
Press fart to continue. Hey, good job, me. Press fart to continue. Piss or a lemonade. Okay, okay, I don't remember. Good job, team me.
He's sort of like, I guess you can be a famous commenter now. Can this commenter do like a one-month-only comment on our video's residency? If you want to see, press fart to continue. You gotta come to our video. We put him up in a little house just outside the office and has employees over every once in a while. He's like, oh, let me tell you about the project I'm working on. He has a team that's writing and rewriting his comments.
Okay, that's it for this episode of The Comment Show. Any last words, guys, before we go? Oh, I have one. I don't want to gobble up the last word. Bye. |
cracked | 10_ways_science_says_you_can_appear_more_attractive | Hey! Hey you! In front of the green screen! Hmmm... Shut up! I'm here to teach you the ways of love, my friend. With science!
They're caveman brains hiding every female head on the planet. And you can use primeval urges hardwired into them to hack the womanly psyche. I'm talking lab-tested methodologies for picking up that dipstick of yours. I'm more into a woman's thoughts and shared values.
Too bad!
This is where I tell you stuff, and you do it. Tilt your head back. Like this? Studies have shown that a man who keeps his chin up looks more assertive, leaner, prouder, and more attractive to women, while the opposite is true of... Yeah, that. Oh good!
You stop smiling. A stern, concerned facial expression inspires feelings of security and potential mates, while a big goofy smile is patented panty dryer. Now widen those eyes and scar your face up. I just came in here to use the bathroom.
It may seem counterintuitive, but chicks dig a guy with face scars. Are you even listening to me? It lets them know you're not afraid to mix it up with a tiger should the need arise. And wide eyes make you seem alert and likable. Okay, you are the disembodied voice of an unknown authority figure. Oh, try making a feminine scar. An androgynous look or voice is another scientifically proven key to attraction.
How we doing? Not the best ever.
Oh, that reminds me. You should wear red when you ask a girl out. Red is a passion color humans associate with power, verve, aggression, and sexual dynamism. Chin up. Perfect. And what's more aggressive than blood? Now let's throw a girl into the mix.
Hi. I was forced to come here. I'm sorry.
Now wait till she's ovulating. Then ask her out in the right ear while touching the forearm attached to her dominant hand. Till she's ovulating?
What are we supposed to eat? We're gonna die.
Oh, okay. I think I'm ovulating now. Okay. Now I'm all filthy and stinky from waiting around though. Not to fear.
Really? Oh no, he's right. We're disgusting. Okay. Whoa, do you want to make- Whoa. Uh-uh. Remember what we learned? Whoa.
And make sure the date will be adjacent to something scary. Adrenaline is a natural aphrodisiac. Well, do you want to go to the clips and talk about escaped convicts with me sometime? That sounds really nice. I like your face flower. Behold, the epitome of man-trackedness. Have fun, kids. I know I will. Hi, thanks for watching that video.
Um, please don't subscribe, because apparently if we get too many subscribers, I have to take my shirt off. I thought it was a joke, but apparently they're completely serious. Take off your shirt, sword. I don't- I don't want to take my- Take off your shirt, you show! I don't- I'm a human being. We need the numbers, you show them the- you take off that shirt. Yeah. |
dropout | an_honest_call_with_your_bank | This call may be monitored or recorded because we're Big Bank and... Thank you for calling Big Bank. Your call is not important to us.
Oh, hi. I have a question that I could easily take care of online. Great. Is this Miss Alison Beardsley? I'm making sure to use your full name so this whole interaction feels uncomfortable. This is her. I'm using my business voice because I want to be taken seriously. Despite the fact that it's 1.15 and I just woke up for the day. Okay now, Miss Beardsley.
Do you know your account number? No one fucking does. And you probably won't give me your social security number because you're paranoid or some shit.
Which makes my job extra hard. I really hate your bank and how you represent corporate greed in America. But you're too lazy to find a credit union. And I think that if I ever change banks, all my money will disappear.
We know that. Hmm. It looks like there's a problem with your account. Ooh, you're gonna be angry. I'm probably gonna yell at you like you personally did this to me. You sure are. Your account is overdrawn by $178. Because of a gym membership you never use. What the fuck? There it is.
Can I speak to you? Can I maybe speak to your manager?
No. But I will put you on hold for a minute so I can have a break from you. Here's what I'll do. I'll waive one tiny fee so it feels like you've accomplished something on this call. That doesn't fix my problem at all. There better not be anything else I can help you with. No. And God, you're not gonna do that thing where you just recap everything we did in the last two minutes like I wasn't even here, are you?
Of course! It's my damn job!
I'm not in a hurry, but I never wanted to make this call in the first place, so every minute I'm talking to you is terrible. It doesn't matter. You won't hang up because you'll feel like a total asshole.
That's true. First you ate leftover Indian food that's been sitting by your bed for three days. I sure did.
I do gross shit when I'm alone. Then I verified your identity while you Googled will there ever be a show like The Bachelor for gay women. I just want to be prepared.
And then you scrolled through Facebook and deleted pictures from high school.
Then I screamed at you because I don't know how to manage my own money. That's right. And it only took her funding you twelve dollars to calm you down. Which is just pathetic. Thanks for rewarding me being an asshole to a complete stranger. I may never realize how misplaced my anger is. That's what we do. My life is a fucking nightmare.
Now would you like to go paperless? Yes, please stop sending me anything. It'll never happen.
Thank you. Hey, what's up? It's Allie from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here to see some more cool stuff. And if you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here. I made that. This is what I like. |
dropout | halloween_please_take_one_prank | Happy Halloween everyone out there on the internet, I am David from CollegeHumor.com and this year Sobe has sent us out to the beautiful and tropical state of New Jersey. Thank you Sobe.
To pull off the ultimate Halloween prank, here's how it's going to look. There's always that one house in the neighborhood with a bucket of candy and the sign please take one. Well we're going to take that convention and flip it on its head by replacing the bucket of candy with a bucket of cash.
We'll then watch to see what kids do. So will the kids take one or will they take many? Let's go find out.
This is awesome. Just take one. Awesome.
How are you doing? Did it take more than one? Yeah. So what was your thought process between taking three as opposed to one? How much did you say? She took off. So we've been watching you. I hate to ask this but can I see inside your pumpkin? You took one. And then you. And then you! Did it ever cross your mind to take more than one? No. I've seen a bucket of money. OK, well, as a reward for your honesty, we have a gummy bear that's almost the size of you that matches your hair. Thank you. You clearly took more than one. I took one handful. So you saw the sign, and then you say, look at the boxes. OK, I'm taking all of them. How many do you guys take? A lot. Oh my god. You were really looking to get rich. He took one, and it took more than one. Did you see the more honest sister?
Yeah. Well, here's one $5 bill for being a good sport. Bear? I guess. How many do you have a bill of $1? As much as you can give me.
Well, it looks like we learned a very valuable lesson about the kids here in New Jersey. They are adorable little thieves.
Isn't that right, skeleton man? |
cracked | leonardo_da_vinci_history_s_most_unexpected_supervillain_today_s_topic | So I'm researching this DaVinci article. It's about how DaVinci could have saved humanity with his inventions. The ex-DaVinci inventions that could have led to utopia. Look at this.
He designed freaking armored tanks and shit. Armored tanks, man! And shit!
Right, which could lead to a utopia.
So how about you just calm down about it, and how about you calm down about everything? Calm down?
About armored tanks? And a robot army? Sorry, what? A robot army?
Who said anything about that? I did. Just now. But he also did years ago.
No utopia has ever involved a gaggle of metal soldiers. Right, and no collection of metal soldiers would be called a gaggle. Fine. A murder. A murder of metal soldiers. Well, a soldier may not even apply here either, because these plans are vague enough they could be for anything, like metal maids or doctors.
Your case really falls apart when you just trail off like that. I shouldn't even have to make a case, because he's Leonardo da Vinci, right? He's a brilliant artist and inventor who's in touch with the oneness of human nature and so forth. It's just that you trailed off so much.
And dude designed an evil lair, dude. Evil dude with a lair. You just said the word evil in front of it. It could be a regular lair. What regular lair? Lairs have never been described as regular. They're implied evil.
Right. Well, your bro Leo was a forward-thinking gentleman, correct? So maybe he had a regular lair. Quote. I have plans for destroying every fortress or other stronghold. End of quote. Leonardo da Vinci, forward thinker with plans.
You just got quoted, man. You didn't get quoted. I used a quote against you. You got punked with a quote. You just got quoted.
There'd be like... Okay. Can I go back to work now? Yes. Oh, hey. You should check out Leonardo da Vinci's Killmobile. Is that a scythe at the end of it? Yes. Okay. That's some supervillain shit, right? Leo-wardo-deaf Vinci. The Inven-chicutioner. Mine was better. Well, yeah. You think that. It was yours. I like mine better. That's how ideas work. Now let's go back to work.
Cool? Can I? No. Can I?
I hate you. Also invented a machine gun. Of course he did. You say that like you don't believe me.
But I can't believe that we're still talking about it, bro. Keep it down, man! I'm trying to work! |
TheOnion | Trump_Voter_Feels_Betrayed_By_President_After_Reading_800_Pages_Of_Queer_Feminist_Theory | I voted for Donald Trump. I voted for Trump because I thought he'd create a better America for everyone.
But after reading 800 or so pages on queer feminist theory, I realize now just how much I've been duped. You've got to understand, I come from a small steel town in Pennsylvania. If I had known the foundational text on intersectional theory, I would have never chanted, lock her up, lock her up, lock her up, lock her up. We were told Hillary Clinton was the enemy, but it's clear now that the true enemy is a patriarchal, capitalistic society that maintains its ascendance by making powerful and ambitious women appear threatening, only to protect my status in a system purposefully designed to benefit cishet white men like myself. Jesus. When Donald Trump said he would make America great again, it's obvious to me now that he was only trying to play off my own complicity and comfort in an unequal social structure that disproportionately strips women and minorities, particularly trans and genderqueer people of color, of their autonomy and seeks to subjugate them to an inveterate and intentionally antagonistic, endocratic order. I get that now after I attended a genderfluid, non-binary poetry slam at Swarthmore. A couple of other guys from work attended it too, and now it's all we talk about on the line. I like Trump because I thought he tells it like it is, but you know who really tells it like it is? Judith Butler. Gender is not to culture as sex is to nature. Gender is also the discursive, cultural means by which sex-nature or a natural sex is produced and established as pre-decursive prior to culture, a politically neutral surface on which culture acts.
If I had just known that back in November, I would have never voted for Trump. God, how could I have been so stupid? |
dropout | hardly_working_phantom_misses_sarah_part_2 | I just met you. And this is crazy. Call me baby. Oh, what? Oh, shit! Help! Drive! Shit. Phantom? Winning! Oh, what the fuck? Slow your roll, Chicken Little. That didn't even make sense.
What are you doing? Are you going to stab me? Stab you?
These are for my charcuterie class I teach. Now, I'm not going to carve up a woman like some wannabe Jack the Ripper. No, no. I burned that.
What?
You kind of whispered something. Oh, I said I burned women. I knew that.
Anyway, Seral, wherefore art thou? Haven't you been paying? Billy Shakespeare, Big Bill of the Bard, which is actually a contraction of besmirched retard, which is what we call him around the globe. Yeah, haven't you been paying attention? I've been gone for like a year.
I got a new job. Who are they paying you? I'll match it. I'll double it. It's not about the money, Phantom.
Bye, then. I'll have no choice but to keep you here in my crypt locked away forever. You and the... Amelia? She had a heart for the air, but a bunny for the crypt.
Oh, there you go, wriggle around like a worm on a hook. You're sick! What do you mean, sick? Oh, you actually have a worm on a hook. Yeah, look at him.
He's my pet. A man gets lonely down here. Listen, Phantom, I know this is hard, but I've moved on, okay? I have a new job, I have some new friends. I still love you guys.
You're not Pat. No, not Pat. Definitely not Pat.
But the rest of you, and we can still hang out. Just let me go. I really wish I could, Sarah. I really wish I couldn't.
Oh my gosh, Phantom. Phantom, don't do this, okay? Listen, I have a cat. It needs me. Ha ha, cat lady.
And I have a boyfriend who loves me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? You have a boyfriend who loves me?
Since when? Since, like, forever.
How did you not know that? I guess I just didn't ask.
Okay, well, hey, you're free to go. Good day for you. Ha ha. Really? Yeah. I'm trying to get up in some fool's sloppy seconds. Okay. I mean, jeez, I'm still kind of attractive. Sarah, get up out this bitch, okay? I'm trying to choose some ABC gum. I'm trying to drive them certified pre-owned titties. I'm trying to shop at the Goodwill. Get up out of here. God, I get it, jeez.
What, are you only into virgins or something? Yeah, how did you not know that? Is this it for us, Phantom? Am I ever going to see you again? Do you think there's, like, a virgin group on Facebook or something?
What? I'm sorry, what? Nothing. Oh, it switched me to Timeline. What the hell?
Bring the old Facebook back. Bring the old Facebook back!
Fuck! |
SaturdayNightLive | classified_press_conference_cold_open_snl | Criminals beware! there's a new sheriff in town, and he means business. First, he hunted down the January 6th Insurrectionists and made them pay! Now he's searching for classified documents, and he's coming for whoever has them. Democrat, Republican, or whatever Trump is now.
And you don't want to be in his crosshairs. he's Attorney General Merrick Garland. Hello. I'm Merrick Garland. I may look like I was born in a library, but there's something you should know. Merrick Garland, don't play!
As you may have heard, classified documents have been found in the homes of President Biden and former Vice President Pence, whose lawyers are cooperating. and also at the home of former President Trump, whose lawyer put a horse head in my bed. some have said the Federal government classifies too many documents, about 50 million a year. This has led people to ask, does recovering these documents even matter? to which I say, I don't know, but it's the law. and I am the Law. To enforce the law, I sent teams to search the homes of several recent Presidents and Vice Presidents, starting with Mike Pence. Special Agent Conrad Nance will brief you on what we discovered. Alright, thank you very much. Upon arriving at Mr. Pence's Indiana home, I knew right away this man needed a friend. when he opened the door, he said, you came with a big smile, and he offered to make us pancakes. our search turned up no additional classified documents. However, in an envelope marked, tax stuff, we discovered photographs of the country pop singer Shania Twain cut out from several magazines. When confronted with this, Mr. Pence said, i'm sorry, I'm disgusting. Then we informed Mr. Prince, Mr. Pence, that we were done and we had to leave. he said, how can you leave when you're it? and then tagged me on the shoulder and ran away, hoping that I would chase after him and play tag, which I did not. I will say though, that if you know Mr. Pence, if you're friends with him, check on your people, that's all. Alright, thank you, Agent Nance. Next, Special Agent Casey Combs will discuss if there were any classified documents at Vice President Kamala Harris' home. Come on now.
Joe Biden won't even give this woman a pen. You think she has classified documents? Please, Kamala Harris with classified documents.
Well, we had to at least check. Thank you, Agent Combs. Finally, we searched former President Barack Obama's home. Special Agent Derek Kay will discuss what we found. Thank you. yeah, don't mean to brag, but I was in Barack Obama's house. no big deal, but it was really fun. Mr. Obama opened the door and said, are you selling Girl Scout cookies? which had us all totally cracking up, like completely dead. We then entered the home and were shown a number of things, including 175 letters from Lin-manuel Miranda, begging the President to attend a performance of Hamilton. Obama, like, read one as Lin-manuel. he was like, dear Mr. President, the President of the 16th of Pennsylvania. I'm not doing it as funny as he did. it was so funny. anyway, we asked him about classified documents and he said he was, quote, out of the government game and doing the Hollywood thing now.
But then Beyonce called him on his cell phone and he ignored it.
So yeah, just like a really cool, fun time. All right. there you have it, America. if you have classified documents in your home, I have one question for you. do you think this is a game? who do you think you're playing with? F around and find out. Hey, boss, when we're done playing with these little papers, we're going to head down to Memphis and make sure justice is served down there too, right? I sincerely hope so. Yeah, you damn right. just making sure. |
cracked | the_5_most_baffling_celebrity_endorsements | I just got the insurance quote from my wheels texted to my phone I demanded a quote 60 seconds ago you think I'm selling car insurance well I'm not I'm selling time look at my face and am I happy or am I sad anyone wants my car insurance papers I'm happy because I'm online hell I am the line you'll never find as long as you live you'll never find another place like mine and the reason why hey 32A now grab your game control and get ready for some of the hottest sports action on TV it's a lot of fun yeah buddy oh hey you know a guy can't spend his whole life in his living room but that's why we have Sega Game Gear Sega have you heard about this left brain right brain stuff they take this steak the left brain is supposed to understand that in a balanced varied diet a lean trim 3 ounce portion can easily fit within the leading dietary guidelines that's logical a right brain just knows it's good thing about sirloin makes the whole brain happy Oh hey hold on a minute did I forget sonic my main man no way my spiky blue buddy will meet up with a new dreadlocked red character knuckles |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Decode_Introducing_Betoota_s_New_Politics_Podcast | How are you? I'm always good, Wendell. How are you, mate? Fighting fit, feeling very good. Clancy, you alright? I'm alright, mate.
Excited for this new project. Yeah, trying to wrap our head around politics. Now, if you listened to our episode a couple of weeks ago, you would be aware of the fact that we here at The Petuta Advocate are of the opinion that the federal election is well and truly underway, the campaign for it, that is. Indeed, Wendell, and what better way to announce that than with the guest we had on two weeks ago for episode 195 in the shape of Channel Nine's Charles Croucher, the plus-sized male model from Maitland. He's a true mastermind of both voter behavior and political predictions. Yes, we're all big fans of the Crouch out here in the Channel Country, and as you can imagine with the federal election set to be called, in my opinion, in the next few weeks, The Petuta Advocate are in no way finished with analyzing the state of Australian politics. And it's not because we're political nerds, it's because we're journalists. Journalists that have realized that the nation will be watching this upcoming election closer than probably any election in recent memory, or any that I can remember, but I am quite young. Yes, because most of you will agree in hindsight, especially you, Wendell, the 2019 election between Scottie and Shorten was hardly a sliding doors moment for either of them. It was an election fought on, I think, tax policy and the culture wars, with a bit of climate change and family values thrown in for good measure.
By far, one of the most boring elections in recent history.
Still not sure what franking credits are. Absolutely.
There wasn't even any dog whistling on refugees or dull bludgers. There was absolutely nothing on the table that really got the blood pumping, other than the scare campaigns that retirees were going to lose their nest eggs.
Labor were pushing to tax the wealthy boomers to pay for other shit, and liberals were saying they weren't going to tax wealthy boomers to pay for other shit. And it turns out these wealthy boomers make up quite a large number of Australian voters enough to sway an election comfortably in the favor of Scott Morrison. Yes, and I'm sure Bill Shorten's former attack dog, former shadow treasurer Chris the beard Bowen, has lost a lot of sleep over his comments. He was the clang-a-man for the Labor Party in the last election.
He went on radio and said, if you don't like our policies, don't vote for us. Because a lot of Australians took that advice and they didn't vote for the Labor Party. Not the smartest thing for a politician telling people not to vote for you.
Yeah, he was a bit confident and it blew up in his face. As you've probably all noticed, no one is going into the 2020 election as confident as Labor were in 2019, because one thing we've learnt from Trump's election, Boris's election, Morrison's election and most recently Joe Biden's election, is that the media, the bookies and the politicians themselves don't know shit. We don't know who wins this thing until the night. But what is different this time around is that the stakes are higher, and they're higher because the nation is hurting. Not even a year after Scott Morrison was elected, we all watched millions and millions of acres burn to the ground in record-breaking bushfires. It was a deeply traumatic moment in our history that, you know, hung over the Prime Minister's head for years. It seemed like a long time back then.
That was until a couple people in a Chinese wet market started to get a scratchy throat up there in Wuhan in early 2020. Just a couple of years ago, yeah, we had the Black Summer, the Black Plague of COVID-19 and every variant of it that keeps making its way onto our shores. And on top of everything, we have this very testy relationship with our Asian neighbors in China, as you just mentioned, Errol.
The world's next economic superpower is well and truly emerging, and they're not having a bar of any of our shit. A lot of this stuff couldn't have really been predicted by Morrison when he stood up and declared, how good's Australia on the eve of the 2019 federal election. And the public have always acknowledged that all this shit just landed in his lap. He didn't want any of this, but he is starting to cop a lot of flak for how he has handled each disaster as they arrive. Hawaii was not a good look.
We can all attest to that. We can all agree on that.
Our vaccine rollout was one of the worst in the world, and now he faces the same supply issues with rapid antigen tests and booster shots. Meanwhile, Labor is firing shots from the other side of the aisle, trying to stay consistent. They aren't jumping on his head. Rather, they're focusing on calling out his fuck-ups one by one.
The public are aware that opposition leader Anthony Albanese has had the luxury of sitting on the sidelines throughout all of this, but he's trying to pitch himself as someone who could have done things much better. However, there's a lot more at play than the two major parties. Clive Palmer is still sniffing around. The Greens might be snagging a few more votes as climate action begins to enter the mainstream. We've got the Unions, we've got the National Party, and of course, we've got Pauline Hanson.
To cover it all in this one episode would be impossible, which is why the Petuta Advocate have decided to put together a special podcast series for all of you out there that follow politics, but don't necessarily get it, or who don't really follow politics, but would like to. We're introducing Decode, the Petuta Advocate's politics podcast series. Each week, we'll decode the political landscape for our listeners. We'll break down all the political language you hear, but you don't quite get and get skimmed over quite quickly. It's not just you. Australian politics is designed to keep everyday people in the dark. The lower house, the upper house, the lobby group, the staffers, the campaigners, the pollsters, the media, preferences, it goes on and on and on. Our democracy isn't exactly the most transparent thing out there. So stay tuned for Decode for no bullshit interviews with politicians, political commentators and Canberra operators, as well as weekly episodes dissecting the election news cycle. We'll decode this election from top to bottom.
But first up, let us decode the summer that was. Yeah, it's been a big, big few months for most people, and it's been a big few months for the news cycle as well, as you probably know, which has been receiving fuel from our politicians on a daily basis. But it's probably useful to provide a bit of a background to where we're at now and how we got there before this hectic summer of headlines and COVID cases. It actually kind of looked like maybe we were on the way out of this thing, didn't it? It did. I mean, in reality, 2021 was a bit of a repeat of the year before, and people were looking ahead to 2022 with a bit of optimism. Yeah. So we're a couple of months of relatively COVID free life there for a while, especially out here in Western Queensland.
But coming out of Delta, our eyes seem to peel off the daily press conferences and the majority of stuff that we were hearing about on the COVID front was vaccine scepticism, which had been stoked by our leaders to suit their political agendas. Yeah, obviously the Prime Minister had refused to hose down concerns about the AstraZeneca vaccine and constantly changed timelines at the beginning, which kind of made people a little bit anxious to get the jab, the leader of the nation playing into medical scepticism. Yes, I think that was a big one. It frustrated a lot of people with it seeming like the Prime Minister was trying to drum up scepticism to slow down the rollout of the jab because the government hadn't organised enough for us.
Here in Queensland, it didn't help with the Chief Health Officer Jeanette Young saying she didn't want people to die of the vaccine instead of COVID. No, I do not want under 40s to get AstraZeneca because they are at increased risk of getting the rare, it is rare, but they're at increased risk of getting that rare clotting syndrome. We've seen up to 49 deaths in the UK from that syndrome. I don't want an 18-year-old in Queensland dying from a clotting illness who, if they got COVID, probably wouldn't die. And obviously with a closed border for so long, there wasn't enough of a hurry for Queenslanders to go out and get immunised.
Yes, Alba didn't do much either. It was left up to Jacqui Lambie to rip in and tell these people to get a bit of perspective and get on with things.
You have a right to choose. You don't have a right to put vulnerable people's lives at risk. You don't have that right. Here's the thing. Being held accountable for your own actions isn't called discrimination. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. That's right as being an adult. It's putting others before yourself. And that's what this country is supposed to be about. Powerful, powerful words there by Jacqui Lambie.
We still actually haven't cracked 90% double doses up here in Queensland. Only at 88.1%. New South Wales and Victoria, they're up around 95. Obviously, they've had a bit more urgency down there. Western Australia, similar to us. Citizens of the labour fortress dragged the chain on vaccination numbers. They're well below 90 as well.
Well, they are a docile people down there, Wendell. They march to the beat of their own drum.
Anyway, that was where we got to in late November, where a bit of vaccine hesitancy was one of the biggest issues in the news on the COVID front. The Omicron variant was just getting a bit of a random mention at the bottom of a few news articles. And everyone in Australia was thinking that 2022 was going to be our year. Our first year outside of COVID.
We were talking submarines. We were talking about angry French presidents. We were talking about the National Party punching on over net zero so that Scott Morrison could fly over to Glasgow and tell the world leaders that this government definitely agrees that climate change is a real threat. We spent about two weeks, it felt like, every day, following the National Party bickering about not agreeing to the terms of a net zero target. Every day, Canavan was popping up, Barnaby was popping up, saying they're eventually going to get there. And they did, after a two-hour-long party room meeting on a Sunday.
Tough work for them there. Barnaby Joyce said the party had agreed to a process to support the net zero target, dependent on cabinets signing off on a package that would protect regional economies. Didn't actually spell out anything that's going to protect regional economies there. Just wants to protect them, that's all.
No, but they were glorious times, Wendell. And that, obviously, something that is going to be churned up every few days with all the parties arguing internally and externally about climate policy going into this election. Yeah, Scotty was getting rinsed ahead of the climate summit, and then when he was there, he ended up getting rinsed for his handling over the French submarine deal, which became the biggest story to actually come out of Glasgow.
So let's talk about AUKUS, which stands for Australia, UK and US. It's a trilateral security pact between those three countries, Australia, the United Kingdom and the United States, one that detailed their military positions regarding the Indo-Pacific region. It was announced on the 15th of September 2021 under the pact the US and the UK would help Australia acquire nuclear-powered submarines. Who knows what for? But before all that, former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had actually already signed a deal for Australia to pay upwards of 90 billion Aussie dollars to get a handful of French submarines. This all changed in September 2021 in a joint press conference where Joe Biden forgot our Prime Minister's name and revealed that we were scrapping the French deal and signing one with the UK and America for an estimated $171 billion.
Remember the TV screens are the side of Scotty. Very, very powerful imagery. I want to thank that fellow down under.
Anyway, the French President Emmanuel Macron then spat the dummy over the handling of this change of direction. And while everyone was in Glasgow to discuss, you know, climate change and other basket weaving activities, he publicly accused Scott Morrison of lying to him about his plans to commit to the previous deal with the French.
Do you think he lied to you? I don't think, I know.
Yeah, it was a lot of outrage. A lot of people very angry that we'd upset the French. Didn't like that at all.
But in this political climate, it seems like that was actually a fair while ago. Quite some time.
Scotty then came back to Australia to see his closest state premier and ally, Gladys Berejiklian, rolled by a corruption inquiry. She was replaced by the millennial upstart, Dominic Perrete, a man that had a very different plan for how to deal with COVID. As the new New South Wales Premier and his team were posting with some beers in an eastern suburbs of Sydney pub, Perrete said, We can't live here like a hermit kingdom on the other side of the world. We want returning Australians to come back. We are leading the nation out of this pandemic.
In other words, let it rip. Yes, aged with all those words, didn't they?
They opened up down there and cast aside their restrictions as the case numbers were exploding. And then, as a lot of office people were clocking off for the year and preparing to unwind after a brutal four-month lockdown, rip it did. So we ripped into our summer of omicron. Cases began exploding across New South Wales and Victoria, and all of a sudden, outbreaks began popping up everywhere. As it stands, WA is the only state currently trying to stick to the initial elimination model with closed borders and lockdowns, and they've just announced that the closed borders will go on indefinitely, probably through this election. Yeah, and Queensland has made peace with the virus, it seems, after locking the gates on outsiders.
For so long, we have hockey-sticked in case numbers and joined the rest of the nation in adjusting to this, quote, new reality that the rest of the world has been dealing with for a couple of years now. Not like we learned anything from the likes of the UK and the US and Europe, did we? No, no, it doesn't seem like we did, because as we rolled into Christmas and the New Year, all of a sudden, hundreds of thousands of people were going down to this virus, and our testing system was fucked. People couldn't get an RIT for love of money. PCR tests were taking up to a week to come back, and early strains on the health system were beginning to show. Yeah, and this was probably another classic example of our government's reactionary nature. Experts were saying, and they'd been warning for ages, that this was coming, we needed to be prepared, and we needed to get on top of it. And what did our government do? Fuck all.
On top of this, Prime Minister Morrison cooked the chook again when he tried to claim that his wife, Jenny, was able to pop down to the shops and pick up a few rats, no dramas at all. That was a couple of months ago, and that was an alternative reality. They were living in there.
Well, who in Christ knows where Scott Morrison got that chook from, because there was certainly none at the supermarket, because we started to see the effects of this new reality, this let it rip mentality on our supply chains and our health systems. Hospitals were clogged, and there was no more dancing. Of course, with the added insult of there being no stimulus packages for any businesses that have had to shut down as a result of this omicron wave.
Yeah, then there were a lot of interesting new arguments around lockdowns versus opening up, because it seems like a shortage of truck drivers is one of the major choke points, shortage of essential workers. Unions were saying that up to 50% of drivers of trucks were out of action at some point, similar situation with supermarkets. To combat this, there'd also been a changing of rules regarding isolation from 14 to seven days. Essential workers were allowed out of isolation the moment they stopped showing symptoms, and the rules for close contacts have changed.
And to throw some more cats amongst the pigeons, children were touted as being the solution to, you know, our nation's forklift driver shortage. Yes, Scott Morrison offering up a policy which would allow 16-year-olds to drive forklifts to try and solve supply chain issues. Common sense. Well, they do do it in the UK, don't they? You can drive a forklift at 16. Mate, you can drive a four-ton truck on your L plates when you're 16, so what's a forklift in a dog food factory?
It's the cause of one in six deaths in workplaces around Australia. But one of the biggest political issues have been around the supply of rats and the cost of them. In other countries, they are free. Even in the US, a country not really well known for providing affordable or even free healthcare. In response to this, Scott Morrison said up to 10 rapid antigen tests will be made available for concession card holders over the next three months at selected pharmacies with no more than two a week, I believe. And then he and the treasurer came out to say that he didn't want to undermine the free market. Old can-do capitalism there, Clancy, you big dumb lefty. We've got the likes of Jerry Harvey, Rosalind Kogan, Woolies and Coles making millions and millions of bucks of what is essentially a public healthcare issue, which kind of goes against the last few decades of mainstream thinking on health. Yeah, particularly in this country. And on the other side of politics, Anthony Albanese, the leader of the Labour Party, was making a real point of going hard on this issue.
He said, It's very clear the simplest and most cost efficient way is to make these tests free and available. It's clear that the cost of the tests are dwarfed by the cost of the inaction.
I was talking about people being off, infecting other people, all that sort of thing. Sally McManus, the head of the Australian Council of Trade Unions, the figurehead of the unions, the big boss of the unions, if you will. She came out and said, We're on the side of small business saying that they can't afford them, but unfortunately someone has to pay for them. And in the case of the law, it's not the workers, it's the employer.
As you said, in America, Clancy, they've launched an online website where you can order free rats and they'll be delivered to your house in seven to 10 days. The Biden administration has contracted for more than 420 million tests and additional contracts will be awarded over the coming weeks. That's what the White House says. It's expected to pay $5.6 billion to cover the first 500 million tests.
That's almost half a submarine. Yeah, and I mean, obviously we wouldn't need that many. What, 1 billion would probably cover 100 million tests? Doesn't seem like that much money, given what we've spent on other things, as you just mentioned, the submarines.
But we've been promised that there is a glut of tests arriving, given it appears you can get the virus again after a few months. It's probably not going to be an issue that goes away, though, is it? No, Wendell, it had as much chance of disappearing as a skidmark down Clive Palmer's toilet bowl after parmigiana night at the Coolum RSL. And no amount of Serbian anti-vaxxers is going to be able to change that, I don't think.
Didn't that little Australian Open drama backfire on Scotty in the end? Yes, upon arriving in Melbourne for the Australian Open, the world number one tennis player Novak Djokovic was unceremoniously met at the airport at 4.30am by border force and told that he wasn't going anywhere. All of the vaxx stuff aside, his visa was cancelled after he arrived on Australian soil, and Scott Morrison was quick to fire out a tweet saying, rules are rules. Yeah, then we had the better part of a week of Novak's headlines dominating the news cycle in what seemed to be a bit of a blatant attempt to distract from the rat shortage and the supply chain issues that we just mentioned. Djokovic successfully had the decision overturned in court initially before the Immigration Minister Alex Hawke, after a suspicious amount of time, came out and tore up the visa again. Yes, using his ministerial discretion he said, off you go Novak. Hawke said it was in the interest of health and good order grounds, so make what that of you will. Yeah, yeah, and then Novak of course went back to court to try and get that overturned, no luck, and it was back off to Serbia for him, and it looks like he won't be able to come back here for three years unless they change that ruling.
True, and this issue too was used as a smokescreen too to pretty much cover up Scott Morrison's new anti-troll laws which aim to to de-mask trolls on the internet, you know, to open them up for defamation proceedings to be brought against them, which its legislation aimed at making the owner of such Twitter handles as fuck the liberals very nervous. Fuck the liberals 666, fuck the liberals 69, those blokes could be unmasked very soon and they could be made to pay for their rude comments. You hate to say it but it's worked very well as a smokescreen.
It is, it is, but you know politicians are in the public eye, I think there's a few people who think that they get what's coming their way, really. Then we had the Grace Tame photoshoot last week, which really wasn't a political issue but seemed to get everyone fired up. Yeah, Murdoch media commentator and former liberal staffer Peter Van Onselen typified the sentiment from one sector of the population best with his searing opinion piece titled, Grace Tame, if your disdain for the Prime Minister is so great, why go? And he's talking about that Australia Day luncheon that she attended. A lot of older Australians were hitting out at the Australian end of the year, and then a lot of younger Australians were asking the question that, why should she smile for this bloke that she clearly thinks has failed her and people like her? So there's a bit of a debate around that, which kind of occupied a couple of days at the back end of last week there. Well for a journalist, Wendell, Peter lives in a very, very suspiciously large house in Sydney's blue ribbon Vaucluse area, so make of that what you will. We gotta go easy on PVO, he might be a potential guest for the Decode podcast, even if he is trying to get clicks by wading into the pointless culture wars that get us nowhere. Yeah, I'm sure he'll be popping up in a few more headlines over the next couple of months.
But all of that that we've just spoken about has led us to the point where it seems like there's a bit of heat in everything that seems to happen now. We've had another week of hearing essential workers telling us how cooked their industries and professions are and how things just aren't getting any better, no matter how many times they voice their concerns. We've got a code brown, we've gone from rat plagues to rat shortages. Our essential workers and systems are under immense stress and pressure, and everyone is getting fucking sick, which is going to make this one of the more interesting political campaigns in recent times.
Because as we've mentioned in our interview with Charles Croucher, the election can't actually be any later than May the 21st, which is not that far away. And that's why we'll be bringing you the new Decode series over the next few weeks and months to try and make sense of this campaign and all the convoluted and complicated things that make it the way it is. Yeah, we'll be having a weekly recap where we'll wrap up every week in politics, breaking down the big stories, the little stories, the ones that slip through, all the bits and pieces, trying to make sense of it all. Then there'll be little bite-sized episodes focused on decoding a particular party or issue or structure that doesn't really get explained in those opinion pieces or the 6pm news, all that sort of stuff like how voting preferences work and what a big old donkey vote means on election day. The origin of the Liberal Party, the origin of the National Party, the origin of the Labour Party and how a smart tree was responsible for its founding probably about 150 years ago. There'll be interviews with politicians. We'll invite them on to Decode to desperately humanise themselves in the final moments before, I guess, the Australian public decides whether or not they sit on 250 to 500,000 taxpayer dollars a year to sit down there in Parliament House and have their rent paid for them. We'll have them on here. We'll be talking to all sides of politics and we'll be discussing all sides of politics. So we'll keep you pretty covered for the political content over the next few months.
And we'll reiterate once again, this is not for the political nerds. This is for the quiet Australians. And this is for the everyday voters who don't know what the fuck's going on.
So we hope you've enjoyed today's show. And you will join us again in a couple of days time where we'll decode the origin of the Australian Labour Party. Don't forget to subscribe or follow to the new feed under the name Decode, where you'll be able to find all those shows we just spoke about. Look it up or click the link in the show notes. Anyway, that's all we've got for you on this show. We'll talk to you soon.
Bye bye. Bye. Let's decode. |
dropout | Make_Some_Noise_with_Brennan_Lee_Mulligan_Jess_McKenna_Andy_Bustillos_Full_Episode | Tonight, a cool guy walking away from an explosion, but when it goes off, he flinches a little bit. It's Brett and Lee Mulligan. A ghost adjusting things around the house just to freak you out. It's Jess McKenna. And someone confused where their entrance is supposed to be. It's Annie Bustillos.
They're all here to make some noise. Welcome to Make Some Noise. The game's so good, we spun it off unchanged. I am your host, Sam Reich, and here's how the show works. I have a series of improvisational prompts our players have never seen before. Isn't that right, players?
Never seen it. I know I said it a lot, but I won't know if I haven't seen them before until I see them the first time.
That's a great point. They will, to the best of their ability, fulfill those prompts. I will award them corresponding points, and the winner will go home with the coveted golden ear, which is only slightly less prestigious than a golden glow, and slightly more prestigious than a Webby award. Players, are you ready to rumble? Yeah! Brennan. How every yo-yoer fantasizes the world will one day depend on their skill set. Gentlemen, I assume you're wondering why I've called you all here.
The casino is the Andalusian. The vault underneath it has more than $40 million on hand at any given night. On this fight, I had a particular score of $120 million.
I've invited you here because you're all the best in your fields. Demolitions, sleight of hand, a face man, driver, and my nephew, TJ. Now, Carmine Barada, the CEO of this casino, and a man who cannot resist going around the world or seeing a dog walk. TJ, this is where you come in. All right, I'm gonna cut you off there.
Oh my gosh. Damn. An ocean's 11 amount of points. No, you know what? Make that ocean's 12. Wow, the night fox, Jess.
We got a bunch of these? Yeah, we got a bunch of these.
Oh, okay, cool. A pre-show theater announcement where they might be taking the audience hostage. Good evening, everyone, and thank you so much for joining us tonight at the Pantages.
This is a reminder to turn off all cell phones. Go ahead and turn off that location services. You know what? Aside from just putting it on mute, go ahead and turn it right off.
Pass it down to your neighbor. Pass it down, pass it down, pass it down, and put them in the small lock boxes at the end of every row. This is a great time to sneeze and unwrap any cellophane candy. Now, if there are any zip ties at your feet, go ahead and put them around your own wrist.
Okay, what about a whoa, whoa, whoa? Could be good. Could be fun at the end of a song. You know, you think a song's done, then a whoa, whoa. How about a little whoo?
Could be fun.
A amount of points for you, Andy. Brennan, your home.
The last will and testament of the founder of Spencer's Gifts. Gathered herein are the final wishes of the departed, Sir Reginald Thornwallow Spencer. To his beloved widow, Martha, does he bequeath a big old red heart pillow with a weird looking puppy on the outside.
And it's got a little zipper with a compartment for chocolate. And if you open that, it's that weird crinkly plastic, and it's only got two chocolates in there.
To his former wife, Bethesda, Maryland, Thornwallow Spencer, does he bequeath one of those little skateboards with a key chain on it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. To his eldest son, Matthias Whimsby, Thornwallow Spencer, does he bequeath a drum of kettle corn with a badly stenciled picture of Santa Claus on the outside? I will cut you out, Brennan.
Exactly, $2.99 for the parts for you. Wow, that's a deal. That's a good deal.
Jess. Sam. If the Harry Potter sorting hat were a mean girl.
Is your head, no, no, no, I don't want to say this, big? No, no, no, it's just that normally for a first year I like slop all the way down past the ears and you're like wearing me. You know, you're like, you're wearing me like a proper full adult would wear me, not like a small 11 year old. So like, Grossberg? Is that why your pants are high?
No, no, no, sir, I'm just asking. Like, I just want to get to know you because that's my job. I just want to get to know you.
Obviously you're a Hufflepuff and I'm a bitch. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I would like to see the intersection of Harry Potter and Euphoria in the worst way. Andy. Yes.
An ad for Taco Bell's new laxative supreme. Is your butt too hard? You want soft butt? You come down to Taco Bell at the corner of any fucking street that you see and you go in there, you get a laxative supreme. You know what it does? It loosens your insides, all right? You've never gone to the bathroom like this.
You want a fountain drink? It was already a fountain drink, it's in your ass. Taco Bell, eat nasty. Damn, eat nasty.
Brennan. A genie's other stipulations. Ha ha ha ha, you've rubbed my lamp and now wishes three are yours and yours alone to make. Perhaps if you were clever enough to find me in the Cave of Wonders you know already, I cannot make anyone fall in love, nor can I bring any back from the dead, nor may you wish for more wishes. Those are the main three. Every genie also has some that they sort of throw on the end there. I want to be clear, those first three, those are hard rules. And then these ones are sort of, I guess it's taste, it's preference, right?
So I would say number one, if you are thinking about becoming royalty, you can wish to become royalty, but then it's just sort of one more royal and everyone else is still poor. You could absolutely wish for like a different economic system ground up, right? I would say number two, if you're going to wish for a magical ring that gives you the powers of a great sorcerer, just wish for the powers. Some guy was like, give me a ring that gives me, and I was like, okay, you've made this just unnecessarily worse and harder for you to track this ring down.
Number three, I don't like animals. So I do it. Comedy comes in threes.
Yes, a heaping amount of gold for you, Brennan. Wow. Jess. The cut plunger song from Beauty and the Beast. And after you're the guest, and you've been in the kitchen, when you got a feeling more than just an itch, and come on down to the loo, we down here take care of you. If it's too much and the paper's a wad, and you are thinking, oh my God, plunge, plunge, plunge, plunge, I am here to plunge. Wow, Jess. What a magic trick.
What the fuck are we doing here, man? What the fuck are we doing here?
I'm screaming about shitting myself. I was just rhyming about shitting yourself.
I know, but still, it was beautiful. Elevate shit, it was great. A Magic Kingdom amount of points for you.
Andy. Oh no. The more tools a surgeon asks for, the clearer it is they're winging it. A scalpel, please. Thank you. All right, and the smaller scalpel, this one's a little, thank you. I got small hands.
All right, we're just gonna, we're gonna cut down here, okay? And we're gonna, okay, and can I get a sponge? A blood sponge? Whatever. A paper towel, thank you. All right, we're gonna soak it up. It's important to soak it up, okay?
And then now, everyone look in here, okay? This is the stomach, all right? See? Right? You ever seen one of these? Hello?
Don't tell anyone I did that. Yeah, okay, so this person is passed.
Could be fun. Think about it, could be fun.
I'm gonna show you a picture of a cat. You tell me what you think that cat's name could be. I will be awarding points for the name I like the most. Cat number one.
Brennan. Alistair Wallace, Lord of the Isle. Oh my God. He is a redhead. I'm buying it. Jess. Rutherford P. Haynes. Oh, just the tiniest little bit.
Mega beard. Mega beard is good.
In this case, I think I'm gonna go for Rutherford B. Haynes. Way to go, Jess. Uniqlo. Uniqlo, yes, very good. I like that a lot. Jess.
Charles Actually. That is such a good name for like a kid's show about a cat professor. I'm Dr. Charles Actually. Actually, Charles, my dog ate my homework.
Brennan. Viper. That's pretty funny. Going for Irony, Brennan. I'm gonna give it to you.
Viper gets the points. Viper's good.
Yeah, didn't see it coming. Nice cat. Andy. Soft and blue.
Was that a French accent? Was that a French accent you were giving me?
Soft and blue. Just soft and blue. Soft and blue.
Got him. You got him.
I'm taking my thoughts with him. And I false. No, I just feel like we're both right. I was giving the Bruce Wayne answer and you were giving the Batman answer. Sure, sure, sure. That point's gonna go to Brennan, I believe. Although maybe half a point for Jess for that option.
Next cat. Jeff Bezos. Andy. Men's warehouse for cats. That's a long name for a cat, but I'll take it.
You're gonna like the way you look. Jess. Danny DiMiauto. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I hadn't put a single mew in a man yet and it was bothering me personally. You're like, this next one's Danny DiMiauto. I don't care what shows up on that screen. This one goes to Brennan. And last cat. Brennan. Nao Nardo DiCaprio. Stockard Channing. Just the full on human being.
Night at the museum, salon. Could be good. Wait, night at the meowsium.
That's better. That one goes to Brennan, sorry. I didn't think about that. That brings us to round two where our players must now test their talents in teams of two. Brennan and Jess.
The activities team for a cruise that's just sailed into the river Styx. Kyle and I have honestly such a fun list of activities and are welcome to sign up any of the clipboards you're gonna find in the lobby. Remember, the commemorative Huka Huka ice sculpture contest luau on deck five has been canceled because deck five is gone. Okay, if you want, you can sign up for napkin folding. I think right now we're gonna do a three-headed dog. That's cute, we're leaning into it.
We're all dying and dead, but why not party? Now, we got a lot of suggestions saying, I don't know who I am. I fell in the water and all of my memories are gone.
That's right, and we've got a long wait list for do I put these coins on my eyes or in my pockets? Karen the boat man doesn't care. He will grimly gaze at you as you get on that last ferry ride to the underworld. But here's what Kyle and I want you to remember. No matter what we say up here, ultimately this is your death.
And cut, oh my God. So many Riverstix references backed into such a short period of time. Let's say three points, one for each head of Cerberus. I got that Jess. Jess and Andy.
The exorcist, but they hired a magician instead of a priest. Thank you so much. You've called the right person. I understand that this can seem terrifying, but what you might find is ultimately an illusion.
Now I want you to think of a number, one to 666. Okay, go for it. I have the number, is it 666? All right, now how did I do that?
Was it magic or was it an illusion? Now my face might be burning, but is it really on fire if I can still produce?
Two doves. And cut, I want to hire these two for my six year old's birthday party. 666 and then points for two of you. Andy and Brennan. Two sperm trying to stay casual about competing for the egg.
Oh no, look, it's here. Oh man, this is crazy. Well, you've dreamed about being the guy. Getting the egg. Yeah, I have dreams about it every day and night. Yeah, for sure, for sure, for sure.
But you know what, it's not even a big deal. Oh, you know what's interesting? I actually was thinking, I actually checked out some of my chromosomes.
The body we came from is short-sighted. Oh, one second, yeah, sorry. One second, I thought I saw a little dust. No, for sure.
I wanted to clean it.
No, absolutely. But I'm just saying, I don't have that gene, so the kid won't actually have to worry about being near-sighted. Adversity makes a child strong. So what if I just do a leg? It takes a little, what if I do the bottom? First of all, it has to be the head that goes in first because that's how we work. Oh my God, wait a minute. There's another egg over there, twins. No.
Oh my God, oh my God. That's where competition comes from. Let's say 206 points, which is the amount of bones in the human body. Wow. That's true. Brennan and Jess. Feel free to digest this one. Okay, wow. I'm gonna understand it fully and completely the moment it's on the board. Yeah, same.
A scene from David Mamet's workplace drama, Build-A-Berry Glen Ross. There's not anything more we could do.
We're out of unicorns. We're out of, every single kid wants a fucking unicorn and I can't make more unicorns. I tried to put out a narwhal and I said, it's a fucking real unicorn and they don't even care.
What am I supposed to do, boss?
I can't close on that. I can't close on narwhals if corporate's not giving us any unicorns. You can't close. I can't close on the narwhal. You can't close on it. I can't close on the narwhal.
These kids have been dreaming about a bear for days, weeks, months, and you can't close. That's on you. Boss, you think these kids want to build fucking bears at this point? They even want to build a fucking traditional bear since 2008. If you don't give me more unicorns from corporate, I can't move a single goddamn thing.
Like this watch? Oh, come on, boss. Yeah, I like that watch, boss.
Kid comes in to this place and says, hey, I'm not walking out of here with anything other than a Pegasus. If you can't talk that kid into walking out of here with a goddamn bear that that fucking kid built with his own hands, then you are no salesman. You telling me I gotta sell a traditional goddamn bear to get that watch? A standard little brown-haired auburn bear with a sweet little button face and that tiny heart we make them put in with the stuffing? You want me to sell that bear to get that watch? Then goddamn it, I'm gonna bring back the teddy like I'm fucking Roosevelt.
That's what I'm talking about. Jesus Christ.
We both got it, Sam. We both got it. You got it.
Fucking immediately. I got chills.
A coffee is for closers amount of points for the two of you. Jess and Andy. Good cop. Rad cop.
Hey, you know what? Let me get you a glass of water. Let me get you a granola bar. Make sure you get a phone call with your lawyer, all right? Don't even worry, all right? Here, I rolled a fat J, okay? I want you to pop that right in that little mouth hole, okay, I want you to light it up, all right? Here's the lighter.
When you turn it around, the bikini top comes off. It's fun, it's fun. What's up, what's up?
We talked about not lighting the J, at least not. Not even a fat J? No, the commish is right on the other side. Yeah, but you can't smell Js through a glass.
You know what? Sorry, forgive my partner. He's a bit of a rad one. I wear a leather jacket. Normally, they tell me I'm not supposed to, but I wear one when I go copping. I'm not like that, you know? I'm reasonable.
I'm here to just get your side of the story one piece at a time. Isn't that right, Curtis? That's what we're here to do. Yeah, one piece. Okay. Hold it, hold it. Hey, come on, now tell us what you did, come on. You know what?
He's such a wild card, he's such a loose cannon. I got wheels on the bottom of my shoes. And cut. The two things that say rad, weed and wheelies. Yes. I'm so sorry, Sam. They are called Heelys. Heelys, weed and Heelys.
I am so terribly sorry. I am so sorry.
Show your t-shirt, man. Andy and Brennan. A billionaire CEO and his little piss boy translator. Look, shareholders. Open your eyes. Okay. In the past, at these shareholder meetings, it's been necessary for us to translate because we have international partners from all over the world that have seen fit to come and join us. And I know what you're thinking, the quarter's been rocky.
Now, Cringe, who is my- Cringe is my card, take my card. Cringe, you need a translator. It was my understanding that Cringe spoke over 40 languages fluent. Say a language, I'll tell you if I speak it.
It's been a rocky quarter across the sector. Everyone's poor now. You're all poor.
Nope, that's not true. Don't sell that to the shareholders.
Now, if you'll all take the jars of piss you have in front of you. Hey, now it's my time to shine. And everyone is pouring in my mouth. I promise this is going to help.
And cut. What sort of Twin Peaks nightmare did we stumble into with that one? Yeah, a billion points for the two of you. Yes! That brings us to round three where our players will now hold hands and jump into the abyss together.
Brennan. Jess. Yes. Andy. The evolution of man diagram. Okay. Yeah.
No, no, no. Just. I'm happy to be the front or the back. It's not. No, no. It's just, I feel like you both knew exactly that you were like the beginning or end and like the middle's obviously the hardest part. You know, the middle's like. Sorry, wait. Why is the middle the hardest? It's kind of like, you just kind of just. Are you serious? Okay, no, no, no, no, no. Are you serious right now? You don't think the middle's the hardest?
You're fully evolved. You have tools and full grasp of your hands. You've come down from the trees. Your hair is receded slightly and you are totally primal.
I am caught in this Morpheus goo of not knowing what I'm becoming, but knowing what I left behind. Like there's no position more existential than the middle.
I'll take that. No, I like it now. Now I like it.
Well, now we feel like shit. Cause you're not. So yeah, we get worked, big old guilt trip. Now I feel like absolute shit.
No, cause now I see how complicated and nuanced it is, so. Why do we constantly have to work with you? I just wanted there to be a beta discussion, but now I see that it's actually really good. Why are we diagramming evolution? Why can't we be a trilobite, a caveman and middle? Why can't we be.
You heard it. No, that didn't make it seem like middle's hard. I got you off there, this was incredible. Thousands of years of evolution, worth the points for three of you. Next up Brennan, Jess, Andy. I saw that coming. Christmas elves strike chance.
Hey, hey, ho ho, we will not be paid in snow.
All right guys, I've come here from the union reps. We got some good news. What we're hearing right now is that we will be able to get either Saturday or Sunday off. That'll be huge. That'll be great. Provided we work the entire day making toys. Okay, well that's what we do, but crisper.
Where are we on the snow payment? Okay, cause I tried to deposit snow in the bank and they laughed at me. I tried to put it away for a rainy day and it turned into rain.
All right, hold up. What the fuck? A bus full of gnomes. No scams, no scams, no scams. Oh man, I want to see this workplace comedy now.
December 25th amount of points for the three of you. That's actually our day off. That brings us to the end of our game. Our winner tonight, Jess McKenna. No way. Jess, you are the recipient of the golden ear. That does it for us here at Make Some Noise. Tune in next time for more of the Game Saver. I am Sam Reich and that sounds pretty good to me. Good night. |
CrackerMilk | living_with_ghosts_a_documentary | This is going to be hard for a lot of people to believe, but yeah, I'm being haunted by a ghost. No, it's not scary, living with a ghost, it was a little bit in the beginning, but now it's just more of a nuisance. He's just never left. I've tried talking to a bunch of people about this, and none of them actually respond. All of you are the first people to respond to this, because all these people, I've tried talking for a very long time about it, and no one replies, they don't believe what's actually going on. So it's good that you people ended up speaking to a local veterinarian, and I was told that I should try and befriend it. And I tried, I did, but he's a bit of a dick. I've given up, so I've called a professional to help me out, get rid of the ghost.
Yes, hi. Where was the last time you saw the ghost? Right there.
I feel like the energy is moving, I'm just going to move with it. I feel like I'm getting a lot of energy down the stairs. Let's just go down the stairs now. Okay, I'm sensing a bit of energy, once again.
Something here. I'm too short on that. Could be a large octopus, he's right there. Did you see that?
Oh my goodness, I've never felt so much ectoplasm energy in my life. Oh my, don't touch it. This is insane. He's in the walls. Oh my goodness.
Get low, get low, get to the ground. Get low to the ground.
Please, please Dylan. It's Skye. He's right here.
How do you not see him? You alright? I'm very sorry, but I can't help you okay? I've never experienced this in my three weeks, I've never heard anything.
You're fine.
You're not going to throw up. I'm possessed. You're not going to throw up. You're not throwing up. You are not being possessed. You're not throwing up my house. Don't throw up. |
dropout | we_re_from_the_same_town | Any plans for the weekend? Just gonna make a quick trip back home to Chicago. A Chicago kid, huh?
Me too. You must know Jackson Park. It sounds familiar. Is that by Navy Pier?
No, why? Did you live around there? Not really.
Do you know, uh, Lumonati's Deep Dish Pizza? I love Deep Dish, but I was actually more a fan of Dirodano's.
Have you been?
No. Do you know McCormick Place? No. Do you know Buckingham Fountain? No.
This is crazy, right?
I mean, we're from the same place. Yeah, we have to share something in common from our hometown.
You know Wrigley Field?
No. You know Sears Tower? No. You know the Willis Tower? No.
It's the same thing, just a new name. You know the band named after the city?
Maybe. What's it called? I don't know.
I'm more of a reader. You know Lake Michigan?
No. You know that 1975 Broadway musical set in the Prohibition era that was turned into an Oscar-winning movie starring Rene Zellweger and Catherine Zeta-Jones? No. You know Oprah Winfrey's old talk show? No.
You know the Chicago Public Library? No. Do you not know what a library is? It's literally the Chicago Public Library.
You know State Street? Yes! The one in Chicago?
No. You know gravity? No. How do you not know gravity?
We didn't have gravity in my neighborhood. It was pretty rough.
You know the sun? Never saw it before I moved to L.A. Lollapalooza.
Mike Dicke. The Field Museum. Michael Jordan. The City Queries.
Kanye West. Jennifer Hudson.
Do you know Walmart? No. Do you know McDonald's? No.
Do you know parking lots? Dang. I took a field trip to parking lots once.
Shut. Up. Grant. Hi.
I'm Raphael from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And if you could just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD.
Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
cracked | why_homer_simpson_might_be_god_after_hours | And lead us not into pointless reboots, but deliver us from prequels, for thine is the iron throne, the one true ring, and the phoenix down, for endless extra innings, Batman. Batman. Soren, you, uh, didn't say Batman?
I'm sorry, I just have to say, even though we've never mentioned it before, we do this weird nerd prayer thing before every meal, and, I don't know, as a jock of faith, I have to say I'm a little offended. Offended? Buddy, we put the extra innings thing in there for you. That's a sports thing. You think I wanted that in there? No, I had this reference to an obscure Broadway musical. Oh, Buddy. No, that's not why I'm a... You're dominating the religious thought of the table.
What if I was, I don't know, Shinto? God, I would love that. Do you know Shinto Grace? Do Shinto say Grace? I don't know.
I'm Protestant, obviously. Soren's right. We should have been taking turns to respect everyone's beliefs. I'll go this time.
Our Homer, who art at Mo's, hallow be thy brain, thy duffdom come, thy will be dope, in Springfield, as it is in Shelbyville. Explain. He's the chosen one. I am the Messiah! Homer Simpson is the ultimate being, ageless, deathless, in a constant state of spiritual growth, yet with the optimism and present focus of a bodhisattva. Nom yoho wringy yo. You just made yourself a powerful enemy. I guess I'm more powerful than God now. Yes, except I was talking about a real religion. Yeah, you can't say Homer is ageless because he's a cartoon character. That's a cop-out. Hey, you're the one that pointed out that he lives thousands of years into the future, and, in that scene, it's clear that Smithers and Burns only survive thanks to cyborgism. Homer not only thrives as he is, but multiplies. And let's go the other direction.
There is a scene in season two that is set in Bible times. A scene, not a flashback, not a vision, not a dream sequence, a real scene in ancient times. And Homer is there. Ah, good evening, Homer the thief. And not only that, but Homer is the only character that we recognize. So that means that Homer was really there, surrounded by all these people who are long since dead, acting, talking, and being the same Homer. 2,000 years ago!
Also, other people definitely do die. So death is a possibility in this world, even if it is just a cartoon. Asa Phelps, in season two, dies by pulling onto a grenade for too long, and then again, in season 11, triggering the flying hellfish tongue team. And Gladys dies in the Duff Garden episode. Okay, for the record, I still object to all of this, but did you guys ever notice that Frank had a wife and a kid? His kid clearly dies in a drone accident, and then his wife splits, I think, because we never hear about either of them after that one moment.
Just like my son here. Oh, dear.
My life is going to kill me. Grandpa's girlfriend, B, died of a burst ventricle. But I know she died of a broken heart.
And yet Homer, who has had multiple heart attacks and at least one open heart surgery, doesn't even have a scar. Now, under heart attacks, you crossed out three and wrote zero. Oh, I thought that said brain hemorrhages. Strokes? No way, three. Well, that's the first case I've ever seen of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks.
Which is weird when you consider that Krusty's pacemaker scar has been consistently drawn in ever since it was established. Here's the real Krusty. Look at that pacemaker scar. Clearly, Homer's got a healing factor. That's why his beard pops back whenever he's shaved. Smooth as your baby's behind, papa.
Also, while he has no concept of death, when his mom dies, Homer wants to water the ashes to bring her back. That's the kind of idea you come up with if you can't die or feel pain.
He does take a lot of punishment. Dad, you didn't even say ouch. Oh, sorry. Ouch. That's very Krusty.
Hashtag still offended. Counter hashtag Christy the clown.
Yeah, but guys, this is all cartoon business. Okay, taking physical punishment is so common in animation, it can't possibly be a power. Homer is not special just because he survives injuries that would kill live action, Homer.
Oh, James Gandolfini. John Goodman. Jabber-jaw. Daniel Day-Lewis.
The world is ready for a method, Homer. I think it's all relative, though. Homer can withstand a lot more punishment than any of the other characters. In Bart the General, Bart has injuries that seem real and have lasting consequences. Dad, I need help. Bart, you can't go on like this. I know. Same with Barton Prince in the soapbox derby trials. Son, you're lucky to be alive.
I'll never race again.
Or the ultimate, God himself. He tours Homer around heaven and says he's got six months to live. What's the meaning of life? You'll find out when you die.
I can't wait that long. You can't wait six months?
Even if we assume that every episode of The Simpsons represents one day, let's say, of their lives. Which is being conservative. There are a few strong clues to suggest that it takes place in real time. Don't worry Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to The Simpsons. Because that's the kind of guy I am this week. The following takes place between 2.34 p.m. and 3.04 p.m. Anyway, you slice it.
It's been at least a couple of years since God and Homer talked. And Homer is still alive.
He eats poison fish that's supposed to kill him. And it just doesn't. Poison.
24 hours to live. 24 hours? Well, 22.
I'm sorry. I kept you waiting so long. No explanation.
Just fails to kill him. He falls down a cooling tower while nonchalantly screaming, see you tomorrow. Drinks Barbicide and out loud asks why he can't die. Why doesn't anything kill me?
But simple immortality is not why Homer is the one true God. I mean, unkillableness is like the minimum prerequisite of Godhood. No, Homer's real power is mind control and being the center of the universe. Homer's son's sister is right. Well, Homer's gone.
Let's all go into our suspended state till he gets back. And accomplishing every dream, goal, and ambition he has while still maintaining enough struggle in his life to provide room for spiritual growth. Explain. First of all, Frank Grimes was right.
More grimy as he liked to be called. Homer's resume would make Forrest Gump do something stupid. You know, I've had a lot of jobs. Sponsor, mascot, astronaut, imitation crusty, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Gucci, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, clicky mark clerk, homophobic missionary. And his greatest joy in life, Marge, is constantly returning to him because of streets that she drives down that serendipitously guilt trip her into forgiveness.
I mean, he's achieved his life's dreams several times, and yet he always has another life's dream that he had to look forward to. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show, and you did it in 1977, remember? Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember? Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie, and you did it at the county fair last year, remember?
Hang on, I thought you were opposed. Oh, no, no, I'm on board now, but just to be clear, I'm not endorsing the religion, just the topic of discussion. Alright, well, somebody's got to oppose. I flipped a few minutes back, and ideas don't matter if they're not in conflict. Oh, don't worry. Heretics will be dealt with in time. Fear Maggie of the pistol and the malleta! All opposed.
So Homer is incredibly lucky. Granted. Don't I get some kind of trophy? And the person who traveled the least distance to be here... At a big award ceremony?
Homer Simpson! Oh my god! Homer Simpson! Oh my god! Homer Simpson! Oh my god!
Woohoo! Double starves, everybody wins. Who, me? Yeah, sure. Woohoo!
In fact, I think he explicitly says that he's gotten everything he's ever auditioned for. Why do I succeed in everything I auditioned for?
And his prayers come true. God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. Hallelujah neighbor! And whenever he relies on something magical, like a wishbone, it always turns out to be real.
Okay, ready. Check it out, boys. My magic badge.
I don't know if all that adds up to omnipotence. If Homer is God, he clearly doesn't know it. Yeah, but isn't that the greatest setup? God knows he's God, and that's the burden. He has to be responsible for all the tragedies in the universe. In a way, the sweetest gig would be to be all-powerful, but still think of yourself as an everyday soren just by trying to make it.
Examples. Homer often gets guidance at the perfect moment from a higher power. TV. Why don't you call right now? I'm as happy as a smoker taking that first puff in the morning. That could be Lisa. Good thing he turned on that TV, Lisa.
I didn't turn it on. I thought you turned it on. No. Well, anyway, turn it off.
He is off. But what about his job? He hates his job, and his family is constantly broke. Barts, family is poor.
We ran a study about that. Money doesn't make you happy or beyond a certain point. There's a perfect income bracket for the average American family, and anything above that, mo' money causes mo' problems. Yeah, it was like $75,000, I think. Quick! What does a nuclear safety inspector make? It ranges depending on what site you use and what search terms you use, but if you take an average of $75,000... More like a mean of $78,500. Of course, if you want something done right, it doesn't always come quickly.
Is that what your dad said when you were conceived? Are you implying that my dad is long-lasting in bed?
The point is, who says God would be rich? Right, Mr. Burns is rich, and he's miserable. Take a look at Herb, Homer's long-lost brother. I mean, he's been both rich and homeless, and he's been miserable in both states. The only time he's been happy is the short period where he lived in the Simpsons house. And his boss never remembers who he is, no matter how many times he f***s up, which leads to a pretty stress-free life.
What's the name of this gastropod? Simpsons are one of your chair-moisteners from Sector 7G. One of your organ banks from Sector 7G. Mark and Spone operators from Sector 7G. Is this the one with the lazy sperm? Who was that corpse? Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to Grey Sector 7G.
And look why it's... It's a... It's a Simpson, sir. Why, it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife Wilma.
Trust me. I know. Jack still calls me Candace. I guess.
Except that one time, your boss forgetting your name sends you into a rage spiral. Who is this beast that's shaking me? No!
And Daniel's on board. All right. Religious conversion score, three for three. All right. Full conversion.
I don't know what I did to make you think you converted me, but I'm sorry I didn't. I'll expect you all to attend a baptism in Donut Batter at the bowling alley this Sunday. 8-7 Central. It's BBYO Nacho Hat.
Ooh, okay. I call St. Grace for that. Oh, yeah? Well, blasphemous joke of a faith that you practice. Our Lady Firefly of Serenity. A base window-ism. Dr. Who-day-ism. Oh! Uh... Star Trek Church!
I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler. Ah, good. Nice solid mo reference. No reference. I actually handle snakes. Okay. Sounds good, Candace.
What do you bring them in? Tupperware? How does that work? A sack? That is the wrong thing to say to a snake handler. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_raheem_abdul_muhammed_on_horror_movies_snl | And now, here's our Newsbreak Film Critic, Raheem Abdul-mahamud. Raheem. Thank you, Brian Don Murray, And thank you for that warm round of applause. I'm Raheem Abdul-mahamud, and as you can pretty well imagine, I spend a hell of a lot of time in dark rooms watching movies. And it seems like about 90% of the movies I see these days is horror films, right? So my days is filled with a lot of hacking, and chopping, and blood spurting, and knives getting shoved in people's eyeballs, right? your head's getting sliced off with chainsaws. And I've been noticing something at the theater lately. most of the audience that go to see the movies is Black people, brothers Now. Now, I ask myself, I say, Raheem, how come so many brothers go to see the movies Because the movies can't be no more scary than their own neighborhoods? So I tell you why. We go to see the movies. we go to see the movies because it's funny to see rich white people get killed. Think about the movies.
Who buys haunted houses, right? The rich white people buy haunted houses. Now, black people can't even afford no houses. And if they could afford a house, they wouldn't buy one that was haunted, right?
So to be perfectly honest, it's pretty funny to see white people in them houses getting their skulls caved in, or they get crushed or something. poor people never get hurt in their movies, man. take like them college movies like Death Train and Friday The 13, Who's getting killed in the movies? the college movies. Who's getting decapitated with meat cleavers? who's getting dismembered with a Tommy Hawk? who's getting their face melted with a blowtorch? rich white people that have lots of simulated sex. You never see no nigga, no part of you getting hurt in that movie. And that's why we like him. I'm Raheem Abdul-mahamid. |
ClickHole | the_mind_of_a_master_watch_arcade_fire_s_win_butler_describe_his_songwriting_process_step_by_step | A really great song has three parts, a beak, an anus, and a hat, and any good artist will be able to tell you when they got all three. When I sit down to write a song, the first thing I usually do is take all my clothes off and throw up all over the place. That way I'm kind of in the groove, I don't have to worry about my clothes catching on fire, and I don't need to take any breaks to throw up.
Sometimes I just start strumming the guitar and play a chord, like this is a G. And I try to feel what it makes me think about, so it makes me think of protein powder. And then I'll play a C. It makes me think of protein powder. And then like a D, which makes me think of protein powder.
I once got a vasectomy in case my vas deferens was making my voice worse. It wasn't. Don't believe everything you read in Guitar World magazine.
You know, you can really write a song anywhere. One time I wrote a song on top of a grape. Songs should always have a purpose. In the case of Funeral, I wrote it because I needed to play something to scare the seagulls away from my family's shrimp trawler. Whenever I'm really stuck, I'll usually email Paul McCartney and say, you got another song in you or what, you old freaky fucker? And every single time he responds with a fully composed song, lyrics, everything. You know, sometimes I do kill a dog when I'm writing a song, and I do not apologize for that. When I'm still trying to get the melody just right, I'll often use placeholder text as templarix, something like...
Wind butler has beautiful hips, wind's hips are gorgeous and good. Why don't more people talk about that? Wind butler, more like, hips butler. The prints of the hips that are nice and round and smell so fine. People should worship his hips, his big boy hips, his big boy hips. You know, and just kind of go from there. |
dropout | go_to_college_music_video_live_with_first_lady_michelle_obama | I am now excited to turn things over to some of the most talented people I know. The folks who, along with college humor, helped me debut my rap career by taping a rap of me in the White House.
Let's give it up for Jay Pharo and the Gregory Brothers! Give it up! We just got a webby off of this song, so that's pretty dope. Yeah!
Your future is hazy, tryna figure it out, askin' why I'm here, so you crashin' it down, it's your choice of whatcha, whole world's your oyster.
You can study engineering, they be building robots, build bridges, compute, you can get at your wall, go be a math major. Hop a moon, pray to begin, natural now, be up in the sky like way to fly. Nances and science but you still need a degree, archeology and tritomy, but not astrology.
We got the future in your hand-grasping, cause if you don't, you'll be out back like a kidnapping. Beat him brightest and shine so brilliant, ye mistickin', in other words, be what you wanna be. The dream is just a dream, it lets you go hard. I'm signed, put it in time, it's a flow chart. Naturally, it won't happen magically, but you can change fantasy and the reality so dramatically.
You wanna fight crime, you should go to college. If you wanna write rhymes for your head with knowledge. If you wanna stare at graphs, don't throw them to college. Go for everything else, you should go to college. You wanna fight crime, you should go to college. Everybody put your hands up. Go with knowledge. You wanna stare at graphs, yeah. We got Robert De Niro here, y'all. You wanna fight crime, you should go to college. If you wanna write rhymes for your head with knowledge. If you wanna stare at graphs, don't throw them to college. Go for everything else, you should go to college.
Better make room, better make room. Make room.
You say, shot. Oh. I said college. Ah. I said college. Ah. I said college. Ah. You know they always follow the finger. Ah. College. Go. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_118_Christopher_Pyne | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Hello and welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show. My name is Errol Parker, and on today's show we are having a very special guest, but we didn't have him in the studio because he was in Sydney.
Clancy recorded this in the en suite of his bathroom, which is why he sounds like he recorded his end of the interview in a fucking bathroom. So for that, he apologises. And thanks to this man's government, they completely fucked the NBN and we were dropping in and out. So if it sounds a bit tinny, sounds a bit funny, I'm sorry, but this interview covers a lot of important ground and it's well worth a listen. So let's take it away.
Always good, mate. Always good.
Today we have another guest coming in through the Skymaster. He is a household man in politics, and there's not many of them. And today's guest is the fixer, Christopher Pine, coming straight out of the hilltops of Adelaide.
How are you, sir? Clancy, thank you very much for having me on the show, and Errol, it's nice to see you too. Which part of Queensland are you in, Errol, if you're in East Queensland? Nice to see you again. Me, I am in the Sanctuary Cove area of the Gold Coast at the moment. Oh, with Clive Palmer.
So you've just dragged me off the pines, actually. Oh, lovely royal pines. Royal pines.
You know that part of the world, Christopher, I think that was the part of the world that Peter Dutton tried to relocate his seat to when he thought he was going to lose Dixon. That's true. He did, actually. He did. He wanted to move down to Moncrieffe. Yep.
No, MacPherson. MacPherson.
By Karen Andrews. It's a wild game. No one gets anything over Karen Andrews, do they? No, they don't. It's tough.
I've played at Royal Pines a long, long time ago. And of course, I have been to the Gold Coast and had lunch with Clive Palmer at his home on the island. Yes, right. He spends a lot of time there.
Were you sent as a chief de-escalator with Clive, or were you kind of doing a bit of preference whispering up there? No, I was a de-escalator, as you call it.
So my job was to try and get the university reforms through the Senate. Clive believed in the reforms, but the lure of students voting for him and handing out his how to vote cards was too great, and the Palmer United didn't end up supporting it.
But I had a very nice lunch with Clive up in his island on the Gold Coast, saw his boat, which wasn't moving anywhere. I don't know if he still has that or whether that's been repossessed, although he's doing very well now, so he's probably quite happy.
Yeah, it's amazing what a pick a million dollars worth of billboards can do for you. And you're only as wealthy as your health, as they say.
Who says that? Lots of doctors and scientists and Kerry Packer, too. That was something he said a lot.
Got all the money in the world, but it can't get me another kidney, can it? No, but he tried to get one from his helicopter. Just goes to show. I think he did. No, he did get one. He did get one from his helicopter pilot. I don't think he could get the other one. He could have tried, but it would have depended, I suppose. But he also said that when he died on the polo field, there was nothing there. Yep, I believe him, too. Oh yeah, he died twice, didn't he?
So just on that, in terms of places where there's nothing, could you take us back to the start? I know you said on your last speech in parliament you didn't have a log cabin story that a lot of other people in that chamber have.
What was Adelaide like in the 70s and early 80s when you were a young man walking the streets of the Torrens Republic? Well I finished Year 12 in 1984, so my era in terms of music and theatre was the 1980s. So it was sort of funny hair, but not like Afros, it was kind of a bit more modern. It was a bit more Duran Duran, which will be very familiar to your listeners. And Adelaide was a great place, it was a very busy place, and still is, and it's a great place to grow up, especially as a young person, it's always lots of fun. We'd just come out of the Dunstan era, which ended badly, if you might remember, and in the 80s we had a short-lived Liberal government and then a long Labour government.
So I was very active in student politics and the Liberal party and the Liberal club, and generally sort of layering about, as all young people should. Can you tell us a little bit about your politics, I mean we'll continue with the story of the insider shortly, but tell us a little bit about your politics, because I can't imagine in the dying days of the Turnbull government you would have been a big fan of some of those kind of loudmouth North Shore young Liberals who were quite factional, and I even recall them laughing at Turnbull on stage when he said there is no factions in the Liberal party. Do you feel the modern pathway for a politician is creating a bit too much confidence in these youngsters? Look, I think the young people in the party, whether they're Conservatives or moderates or smaller Liberals or whatever they describe them as, and they're all sort of learning their craft, and sometimes they can spill over a bit and get themselves into a bit of a mess. The South Australian Liberals, young Liberals, are not nearly as overconfident as some of the New South Wales young Liberals have been in the past. I mean they would never laugh at a Prime Minister on the stage, but then in South Australia we're just a little bit more sophisticated about things like that, so I guess that's the difference. But the New South Wales young Liberals were never rude to me, I have to tell you, so I've only had a good experience with the Liberal party in New South Wales.
Have you ever met a young Liberal around the age of 25 who you thought was qualified to sit in Parliament? What qualifies someone who's 25 to be in the House of Representatives? Look it's a good question. I was asked many years ago about what was my one regret about politics. I said it was going in when I was 25 because looking back I realised that I thought I knew a great deal. I learned a lot over the next 10 years and I think John Howard decided that it was quite crazy the idea of putting a 25 year old close to the front bench, so I was in the outer reaches of the party room for a long time, but then 10 years later I got my break and the rest was history as they say, but it was far too young to go into politics. If I had my time again I would have waited, but I didn't really want to go into politics when I was 25.
The problem was that my predecessor, Ian Wilson, Ian Benyth and Cameron Wilson, he was challenged by another fellow and I thought if Jim Durden wins then I'm going to be stuck for 20 years not being able to go into Sturt. So I had to throw my hat into the ring and as you do in Queensland and I won. I was unstoppable. But your predecessor, you were unstoppable, your predecessor actually held that seat for longer than you had been alive at that point.
Is that correct? Yes, yes that's right.
Ian had been in the parliament for 24 years when I challenged him at 24, that's true, and I surprised him. I had the element of surprise.
Is it fair to say that was a fairly safe seat? Sturt's been sometimes safe and sometimes marginal. My margin was as low as 0.9 and as high as about 10.5 over the course of nine elections. So it's a good seat though. It's only been in Labor's hands for about four years since 1949, otherwise it's always been held by the Liberal Party. So you'd have to say it's a good seat to get. We mentioned before about jumping around, does that erode the actual system a little bit?
Because it had to have been disheartening for the people of Dixon and the Gold Coast for Peter Dutton to decide he wanted to base himself out of the beach house. Well I think Peter would have a very different take on his interest in McPherson. But it's not unusual because Michael Waldridge, he transferred from a seat called Chisholm to Casey when he was the Minister for Health. I could see why Peter Dutton would think that it was worthwhile being in a very safe seat like McPherson. But it's got to be said he's done a magnificent job at winning and beating Cheryl Kernow back in the day and now holding that seat. He's turned it into a Dutton stronghold.
A mortgage bill. So can we just go back to your early days in Parliament just for a second. I've got here that you said something quite questionable to John Howard at that time which kind of led you to being frozen out a little bit. Do you go over that in the book? Well no because I dealt with that in the first book. A letter to my children published by Melbourne University Press which is still available for sale and I'm expecting an increase in sales because of this current book. So I actually went through that in the first book and I thought it would be not very imaginative to do it again in the second book. So I have alluded to it in The Insider but I haven't gone through the entire detail. I suppose that now you don't have a career to maintain in Parliament House. So I thought now you might be a bit more liberal with it. Well I'm quite honest about it.
After the 1993 election, Howard ran for leader against John Hewson and he came to see me and sat on my couch in the Parliament House office and said that he would you know seeking my support to support him for leader and I said to him that he was yesterday's man and we were never going to go back to him which proved catastrophically wrong. And of course he became leader a couple of years later and stayed there for 11 and a half years. But out of the goodness of his heart he did let me have a nice long apprenticeship on the back bench and then appointed me as a parliamentary secretary in 2003 and then I was on the front bench for the next 16 years.
So I think he thought that was rather brash and audacious of me to say that and of course it was but it's the kind of foolish thing that 25 year olds who are now find themselves in the House of Representatives say because they don't have that filter that everybody needs. The young people don't have that filter that we get with age like you two. Yep comes with age.
So can you tell us over the weekend we saw you know the first real test of Scott Morrison and Anthony Albanese's leaderships. Do you think there's anything to take out of what happened in Eden Monero over the weekend?
Well Errol I think it was a good result for the Liberal Party simply because there was a swing to the government yeah about half a percent in a by-election when the average swing in a by-election is about 3.8 percent to the opposition. So Labour went backwards and that's very unusual. If the government had won it it would have been a one in a hundred year event because the last time a government won a by-election from the opposition was 1920. So it didn't surprise me at all that Labour held Eden Monero and I think it was actually a poor result for Labour because they you know had a swing against them. But it's a very difficult seat to predict because who knew how people who'd been traumatised quite correctly by the bushfires in January how they would react and how what that would have how that would affect their voting patterns. It was very hard to predict and I'm not sure whether they would have been happy or unhappy with the government. But Labour won it but I don't think that they should be taking too much positive out of it.
Yeah. I still think Jim Chalmers is going to keep circling around Anthony Albanese. I reckon Albo will get one go at it at least.
Do you think that especially in the past you know 15 years we've seen you know quite a big rise in the minor parties. How big of a role do you see them playing moving forward you know now that in especially in regional areas in New South Wales you've got big competition coming from the shooters farmers and fishers and as we saw in Eden Monaro there was a big vote to the hemp party. Could you see us kind of moving forward in a parliament that's more diverse in terms of you know how a government forms government? No I don't and I've we've heard this argument for many decades about how the rise of the independence and it just doesn't really exist. I mean in the House of Representatives 151 seats I think five are held by independence. Yeah. So that's not very many and one of those is Bob Catter who came from the National Party. Of course Adam Bants are green so he's a genuine independent. Most people end up in the crossbenchers are from a major party so they can't really say that they've been elected as independents they've been elected usually as nationals and sometimes as labor sometimes as liberals and then they defect or leave. I don't see I mean the only new party that's had any great electoral success in the last 20 years has been One Nation who had continued success and Pauline Hanson is a particular brand without Pauline Hanson I don't think One Nation would have any success. Or would they have a Today Show? Yes indeed but she's obviously good for ratings and the Nick Xenophon phenomenon has ended with Nick Xenophon so I don't think that there's going to be a tremendous number of independents and the reason for that Errol is the preferential voting system it mitigates against. The rules have been changed now haven't they? Well the preferential voting system's been in the way we've elected people for many many decades but it's just that you have to make a choice and if you don't get enough votes you don't stay in the race so it's you know I think there's a group of people that like voting for independents and I think they're mostly shocked that the rest of the world doesn't think like them but actually the vast majority of people vote liberal or labor or nationals. Do you think that independents have a purpose in parliament like I thought it was good that we had someone like Ricky Muir in the senate for example do you think that he represents an important aspect of Australian society? Yeah of course he does but Ricky Muir represents a certain view of Australia but the Australian parliament's very diverse. Yeah. I mean we have in the coalition people as diverse as Warren Inch who used to be a crocodile farmer right through to you know Malcolm Turnbull from Wentworth. It's not like the major parties are white bread politicians are all exactly the same and I quite like Ricky Muir but I don't think he should have got elected with about you know 200 votes or whatever it was and I think the problem with shooters and fishers or independents who are on the conservative side of politics or the non-labor side of politics like Clive Palmer is you've got to remember I think if you're that group who your base is and what happens to a lot of them is they get elected and conservative voters vote for them and then they end up voting for the labor party or supporting the labor party or trying to do deals from the crossbenchers and voting with the opposition or the labor government against their own people who elected them so that's why a lot of them fail because the voter looks at them and says well you're not really being true to us who elected you I think the reason why Pauline Hanson's group has continued is because Pauline's actually for all of her faults quite consistent about what she believes in and she votes that way. So what you're saying is your concern with independents is they serve as a gauge and stop voting for the liberal party? Well my concern is that they get elected and then they behave the opposite way to what their platform was. I'll take the shooters and fishers are a very good example. There's no doubt that coalition governments are going to be better for shooters and fishers because we believe in the individual having more rights more say in how they live their lives and it's the labor and greens and the woke people that are bad for the shooters and fishers and yet the shooters and fishers preferenced labor in the Eden Monero bar election so that's not based on principle that's just based on what they think's in their short-term political interests and that's where I think they start to fall back fall apart.
Yeah I mean like you can only kind of look as far as what happened to Tony Windsor. Exactly well Tony Windsor is a classic example in fact of course I was there in 2010 when Tony Windsor and Robert Oakeshot you know put a labor government into power and in my book The Insider I point out that I think labor's vote was eight percent in Tony Windsor's electorate and about sort of 11 percent in Robert Oakeshot's electorate and quite rightly the voters in those two seats were aghast that their member was putting in a labor government and it was that's a classic but none of them ran again as I say in the book they didn't face the the jury of the public at the next elections. When you when you start looking at the you know the consistency of the major parties you always start having to also look at the inconsistencies and you speak about short-term goals you know all it takes is for a restaurant old national or you know LNP MP to kind of you know play up a little bit or develop a rampant alcohol addiction and then the entire government is kind of beholding to their midlife crisis. Did you find that a bit you know troubling when you crave Kelly's and Barnaby Joyce's who were completely unhinged certainly during the time of the spill you know Barnaby at the time of when Barnaby lost his seat to the high court he had a few other secrets that were ready to blow and I guess all these people were instrumental in the downfall of your Messiah or I guess your chosen prime minister at the time. Yes well I do remember when and I recount in the book that Malcolm asked me to come and see him one day and he said he just had the most extraordinary news from Barnaby Joyce and I said and I thought oh god you know because there's been rumors swirling around the house about Barnaby and as it turned out they were true which he's admitted to of course so that's not telling any secrets out of school and he said and I alluded to that story and he said no it's worse he's a New Zealander that's when we found out that he lost his citizenship but there's always look there's always people in the parliament without you know putting Barnaby Joyce in that league or anybody else for that matter that you named who can be a bit unpredictable I suppose is the best way to describe it and when you've only got a one seat majority or less as Labor did you know one member can cause a tremendous trouble so when in 2010-13 we had Craig Thompson who caused a bit of problems for the Labor party and Peter Slipper he cause he took the speakership from Harry Jenkins and denied us a vote on the floor of the house so you know it's it makes politics very exciting though Clancy that's the thing and when you're the leader of the house with the managed opposition business it's very exciting. In your life after politics what are you looking forward to we always hear the cliches you know I'm quitting to spend more time with my family I didn't say that when I left no but um because I think that that's a bit trite like you know if yeah I was in parliament for 26 years and I'm married with four children aged 12 to 20 if I had wanted to spend more time with my family as the reason for leaving it took me a long time to work that out right so all of my children were born after I was elected and it's absolutely fantastic being home and being able to spend more time with them but I think that's a bit of a tired old cliche I'm retiring to spend more time with my family because if you really felt that way why did you go into politics in the first place obviously if you go into Canberra politics you're going to be away half the year so it's it's a real sacrifice and it's a sacrifice that they make so you've got to really take you've got to be upfront and honest about that now I left very simply because I thought 26 years was a good run and I thought it'd be nice to leave of my own choice as opposed to some terrible scandal and most politicians never get to leave of their own volition they get dragged kicking and screaming from politics and I thought at 51 if I'm going to do something else I really need to get on and do it now because if I wait till I'm sort of 60 or something then I won't be able to go and I look a bit unimaginative to have been in politics for 40 years so that's why I left and I'm loving I'm loving post-political life I love being on boards and doing work and having clients and taking an interest in the things around me in a way that I never had time to do before I mean I'm watching MasterChef for example and I didn't realize there'd been 14 other series so I'm completely gripped by MasterChef because to me it's all new and I laugh at ads on the television that have been on for years and Karen and the children say what's so funny and I said this ad's really funny and they said this ad's been on for years dad because I've of course missed all that so there's lots of fun things about not being in politics we've seen in your post-political life you've moved into defense again and we've just seen a re-announcement of an old policy to spend about 270 billion dollars on defense the money is being spent on defense though isn't it into like as opposed to offense well what are some of the shortcomings that this cash is going to go on help you know because we have seen that a country that cannot be named has been maybe launching some cyber attacks against us do you think moving forward you know that's really going to be the new area that we need to focus on in terms of our defense spending ah well the government's committed 15 billion dollars for cyber security in last week's defense update and force structure plan and it was I think a very good document with two documents you need to keep refreshing your thinking around defense all the time and what I thought was most interesting out of that statement Errol was the recognition that our strategic situation had changed that in 2016 we had a particular view of the pacific nature of the indo-pacific and today in 2020 it's much less peaceful it's much less stable and there are tensions today that were nascent in 2016 that have now become very raw the rivalry between the US and China being the most obvious one that manifests itself in China's claims about the south china sea but also territorial disputes with countries like India and now Bhutan you'd think that they'd leave the Bhutanis with the land that they've got but they say that 12% of it's actually Chinese the announcement they made last week has a number of new pieces of platforms and equipment but re commits us to that very large spending that we started in 2016 which was 200 billion over 10 and this is 270 over 10 which is the continuation of that policy and I think it's very welcome cyber and space space situational awareness all of these capabilities it's great to see us investing in them but what's really great is that they're investing in the Australian industry capabilities in those areas which means that the huge defense heft that spend will also benefit the economy jobs science technology engineering and maths jobs and manufacturing industry which is one of the things that I tried to do when I was the minister for three years yep just quickly on another area of defense and offense one grab that really jumped out of Malcolm Turnbull's book was about Kevin Rudd and his ambitions to be the prime minister of the world at the united nations he said to Malcolm he said you little rat piece of shit you piece of shit I'm gonna get you I'm gonna come down to Australia and campaign against you in every part of the country is there a grab from your book that's equally as predictable but also inherently shocking well you'll have to buy the insider arrow and then you'll be able to read it um I have it open in front of me oh good well I'm glad well I haven't uh revealed any private conversations about matters such as those between Malcolm and Kevin Kevin Malcolm's is a different book mine is a memoir that tries to explain to the Australian public how politics in Canberra works particularly in those 12 years between 2007 and 2019 which were particularly crazy years and very tumultuous um so I haven't got a colorful sentence or or conversation like that that leaps out of the page I don't think Kevin campaigning against Malcolm Turnbull would have made a tremendous difference actually no probably not against you either but um your book is obviously got much more of you know there's there's an air of south Australian decorum in your book and in terms of Malcolm's you know it was very private schoolgirl you know he said she said this is that how things usually played out in the party room you know were you always the stoic polite Alexander downer type or you know were you the brash John Howard type I guess well I know that you've included me in your book as one of the good things about Adelaide and my particular Adelaide accent so I know where you're going with these questions I'm completely on top of them um you sound like everyone in in a minka does you know just they're very rounded vowels they love their rounded vowels in Queensland and in a minka in a minka indeed well you see I say Adelaide properly as well which people struggle with the data is one of our lovely towns in the north yep it is lovely yes I've been up there I don't think I've been to Oodnadatta I have been to the Anna New Pitjantjatjara Yankanitjara lands so which is hard to say APY lands all right go to go to give you credit for mailing that one thank you I look um I think there's no doubt that the convict states are quite different to the free settler yeah of which there happens to only be one now that I think about it free settler state so we do have our own eccentricities here in in Adelaide one of them like you know giving women the vote in 1894 and allowing them to stand upon I mean you certainly wouldn't give that back we were very much at the front the forefront of a lot of social change in South Australia which we're very proud of we got rid of the death penalty before everybody else did too nope you just crammed them into barrels in South Australia I don't think that's um a routine action on the part of South Australians no probably not good stuff good stuff this is great for Monday evening now uh mr pi can you tell us a little bit about your heritage because you know we mentioned the the free settler thing here and obviously it is clear that the Irish uh convict the Irish Catholic and the convict Australian tend to really grasp onto this sense of um you know particularly white male victimhood but there's a as you said it's a bit different down there in in the free state what do you think that is I mean aside from the ancestry what was kind of bred into you I'm sure it appears in the book inside available now what was kind of uh where did your kind of moral compass come from was it the church I think you'll find Clancy that the reason why Adelaide is called the city of churches is not because we were particularly religious it's because there were lots and lots of different religions and they all had their own church like the Quakers and the Catholics and the Anglicans and everybody else and they all had lots of sects as a consequence because we were a free state there was no state religion a lot of Germans and others moved to South Australia because it was free and they couldn't be told what to do and they might have even been persecuted in their own countries and that's made South Australians very tolerant of difference and diversity so I think it's fair to say that the average conservative in South Australia is not nearly as conservative as the average conservative in Queensland and New South Wales for example but that doesn't mean they don't vote liberal that's a fair observation I think it's a fair observation apart from Bernardi he doesn't make it into the book I'm afraid so he won't be he's not in the insider is it can you walk away from your career being comfortable to say who you did not get along with and who made life hard for you in your own team no well I don't not in this book I don't push anybody under the bus because I just don't see anything good about that you know I don't yeah that's not been my milieu I think I played the game as hard as anybody in Canberra as you have to if you want to survive but I didn't personalize anything I think that's probably why I survived actually because I'd separated the personal from the political which is why I'm friends with people like Anthony Albanese and Richard Marles and Tanya Plibersek despite the fact that they obviously don't want them to get elected so I don't really take anybody apart in this book unpleasantly I don't see much point in doing that uh well there were people the only illusion in the book about that is really to the people who tried to keep me from getting promoted for a long time like Alexander Downer Nick Minchin and John Howard who obviously didn't give me a bit of a big start but the book as a man of answer says in the foreword of the insider the book and my career answers those people who said that I you know wasn't going to amount to anything because that didn't happen you make an interesting point you know in that speech that Errol mentioned earlier where he said you know you didn't have the long cabin upbringing and you also didn't go and try and mythologize your upbringing like a lot of politicians do you know whether or not they'll be talking about you know working class Bronte or they'll be talking about the weatherboard 9 of New England yeah the weatherboard boarding school yeah the weatherboard 9 of interview you're pretty honest about all that and you still manage to in the eyes of your own electorate we would have to say after such a long career you were able to read the electorate correctly where do you think you know in this detachment from the you know from the electric to the political class and vice versa where do you think that's being bred I mean it's obviously very clearly happening around the world but it is happening in Australia as well do you think that's coming from the media or do you think there is a political class developing that might not be able to tell you what the what a kilo of chops costs in Parramatta you know supermarket I don't think the political class has changed very much in the last many hundreds of years quite frankly I think there are people who are drawn to public service and public life and they come from all different walks of life and what I convey and I think by saying I once had to get my own lemon for a gin and tonic which was probably didn't qualify as a log cabin story was that I didn't try and pretend to be pull myself up from the bootstraps mine was a quite privileged upbringing and the reason I went into politics was because I thought I had a responsibility to give to the society so much that they'd given to us I mean there's a saying in the Psalms to those who much is given much is expected and it means if you've been lucky your job is to give back it isn't to keep taking so I thought I was always basically said that but I do remember once you see you're quite right of course I wasn't exactly an everyman candidate in Sturt and I remember once Mark texter said to me that we've done some polling in your electorate in 2007 and I have to tell you that the people in the north of your electorate don't like you I said okay he said they don't want to have a beer with you I said that's disappointing he said but they think you're really effective and if they wanted to hire a lawyer that hire you and I said well that's exactly right I mean you don't a friend hires of their lawyer who's a friend they're bound to for failure but if you hire the person you think's going to get the job done then the lawyer's done their job so I'd rather I always thought I'd rather be seen as effective and capable and able to get things done and take out an opponent if necessary than somebody who was that hail fellow well met and everybody liked that said as you pointed out I've departed politics with not that many enemies you just mentioned then as in they would they would hire you as a lawyer and maybe now they have that opportunity what have you been doing you haven't taken any jobs with Gina um which seems to be you know a well-worn path for ex-politicians or China even what are you doing you're not working for the port of Darwin or anything like that no I'm not no I've started a consulting business uh Pine and Partners I'm the president old chairman of the Australia UAE Business Council I've got about half a dozen different advisory boards I've got my column in the advertiser I've written my book my podcasts uh Pine Time which have gone very well with Southern Cross Austereo I'm on the board of a couple of not-for-profits um because I think you want to keep putting back into the community called the International Centre for Democratic Partnerships which promotes civil society in the South Pacific and the Australia Israel Cultural Exchange which promotes good relations between Israel and Australia so I'm very busy and it's good fun what do you do in your spare time do you play golf is that your thing or are you more of an Adelaide Fringe dog I like fringe but I also play golf but I don't play golf like regularly but I can play and uh well I guess I tend to read books and garden and I still work I still like working and I like you know seeing my friends now that I can again because I've got time Christopher Pine one last question there's going to be many political memoirs that come out this year why should people buy yours because you'll learn something you didn't know before about politics about some of the stories that have never been printed that are in the book for the first time that I've hung on to for years and uh so it's an eye-opening book it's a it's a book that has a good pace to it and uh you'll learn a bit about the solar system of politics and what makes us tick Christopher Pine thank you for your time pleasure it's great personally I look forward to reading the insider available now at all good books for us thank you for joining us yeah even the bad ones have it now the bad ones definitely have it and the good ones thank you it's a pleasure thanks Clancy thank you Errol good luck thank you thanks very much see you later good luck thank you what have you been doing you haven't taken any jobs with Gina um which seems to be you know a well-worn path for ex-politicians or China even what are you doing you're not working for Darwin or anything like that no I'm not no I've started a consulting business Pine and Partners I'm the president or chairman of the Australia UAE Business Council I've got about half a dozen different advisory boards I've got my column in the advertiser I've written my book my podcasts uh Pine Time which have gone very well with Southern Cross Austereo I'm on the board of a couple of not-for-profits um because I think you want to keep putting back into the community called the International Centre for Democratic Partnerships which promotes civil society in the South Pacific and the Australia-Israel cultural exchange which promotes good relations between Israel and Australia so I'm very busy and it's good fun what do you do in your spare time do you play golf is that your thing or are you more of an Adelaide fringe guy I like fringe but I also uh play golf but I don't play golf like regularly but I can play and uh well I guess I tend to read books and garden and I still work I still like working and I like you know seeing my friends now that I can again because I've got time Christopher Pine one last question there's going to be many political memoirs that come out this year why should people buy yours because you'll learn something you didn't know before politics about some of the stories that have never been printed that are in the book for the first time that I've hung on to for years and uh so it's an eye-opening book it's a it's a book that has a good pace to it and uh you'll learn a bit about the solar system of politics and what makes us tick Christopher Pine thank you for your time pleasure it's great personally I look forward to reading the insider available now at all good bookstores thank you for joining us yeah even the bad ones have it now the bad ones definitely have it and the good ones too thank you it's a pleasure yeah thanks Clancy thank you Errol good luck thank you thanks very much see you later good luck thank you |
TheOnion | More_Candidates_Court_Fat_Vote | Recent surveys show that over 60% of Americans are now overweight, a statistic that is not lost on the 2008 presidential hopefuls. They're interested in my vote and they'll eat the things that I like to eat. Candidates have been stopping in cities across the country to show fat voters that they love eating just like them. I thought Romney's fried chicken speech was great. I like people who really find it important to get in there and eat. At a recent fundraising dinner, Rudolph Giuliani was greeted with applause after stating his commitment to eat at least seven hot dogs and promptly following through with that promise. Hillary Clinton drummed up fat support in Madison, Wisconsin telling the crowd that if elected she would put rocky road in every public school cafeteria. It made me like her better and it made me want to have some ice cream.
Experts predict the focus on food will intensify as election day draws nearer. It's going to bring some of these batter issues to the forefront and you know that can only help the fat community. Dietitians expect all candidates to gain 30 to 40 pounds by November putting them solidly in line with the majority of voters. |
TheOnion | Land_The_Perfect_Job_By_Having_Your_Rich_Dad_Set_You_Up_Brought_To_You_By_Cottonelle | We've all heard it. Times are tough. I can't get a job. Nobody's hiring in this economy. Everyone wants to complain.
But I have an important, life-changing message for those who do. Get it together and have your rich dad hook you up with a job at his company. Put your nose to the grindstone and say, Dad, fine, I'll come work for you. Today I have three harsh truths for you. Harsh truth number one, everyone needs to stop making excuses about how hard it is to find a job and just go get a job at their dad's dog food company. Harness the power of your dad.
I know what you're thinking, but Philip, I hate my dad. I get it. I hate my dad too. Which brings me to harsh truth number two.
You can't just expect your dad to give you a job. A great resume always stands out. Make sure to write your name on it so the lady in HR realizes that your dad is her boss. Of course, the resume is just a formality, but if your dad finds out that you didn't do your resume right, he's going to be pissed.
Trust me. Then there's the job interview. For some people, the job interview is a mountain of pressure. Everything inside of you will want to yell, listen, just shut up and give me the job, idiot. But you can't for some reason. Instead, try this great interview tip I heard from my dad. If you just buy a goddamn suit, show up on time, and don't mouth off for once, I'll hire you. Don't be afraid to try that yourself. So, now that you've got the job, you're on easy street, right? Wrong. You're going to have to start from the bottom.
I worked in the mailroom of my dad's company, managing the mailroom. It took me three months, well, two and a half months, to rise up and become head of some kind of sales or something. Put in those hours, and you can go to your dad with confidence and demand a better job. Of course, a lot of people, the old guard of your dad's work, won't like you coming in and changing things up. His name is Brian, and he wanted to be the boss of the company because he worked in that department for 20 years or something.
But here's how you deal with the Brian's of the world. You tell him to shut up, and you make him work in the dog food factory. Also, don't be afraid to network. Talk to your dad's friends. Try and turn them against your dad by lying about things your dad said.
They might give you a better job. You never know. Finally, harsh truth number three. Work freaking sucks. But if you put in some effort, and you just tune out your dad's BS for a couple of years, eventually he'll die, and you'll be in charge, and he'll be dead. Thank you. |
ClickHole | this_high_school_senior_without_a_prom_date_asked_kate_upton_to_kill_him | Hey Kate, James here. You may be wondering why I'm making this video, so here goes. Right now, I'm a senior at Leland Prep in San Mateo, California, and my last chance to go to prom is only a week away. But here's the thing. I don't have a date. Literally every girl I asked said no. So Kate, I know you're probably really busy, but on April 24th at 9 p.m. It would be my absolute honor if you would come to my hometown and kill me. Here's the thing, Kate.
The girls here just don't get me. It seems like everyone wants to go to prom with an idiot football player, or they'd rather go with some... basically someone who's not me. Even my best friend who promised she'd be my date if nothing else worked out changed her mind.
So, I figured why not ask the sexiest woman alive if she had a gun and would be willing to spare me a few bullets? Now, Kate, you're probably on a beach somewhere shooting a magazine cover, but if you were to kill me, I think you'd have a really fun time. I'm not asking you to run me over with your car or anything. I'd be so happy just to see you snap my neck with your bare hands.
Razor blade, sharpened stick, really?
It's whatever you have time for. Even if you just stopped by and beat me with a baseball bat for ten minutes, that would mean the world. Think about it. How many times do you to make someone's dreams come true?
You could poison me for all I care. Kate, it's my senior year. Sure, I could spend my prom night just sitting alone at home, or sure, I could kill myself, but I want you to be the one who grabs my wrist, takes my pulse, and declares that I am finally dead. And if you can't make it, then you're welcome anytime. So, Kate, will you kill me? |
SaturdayNightLive | attebury_tennis_lesson_saturday_night_live | Well, for crying out loud, Leslie White means why? You know what? Ginger?
No one gives a hot damn about what I'm wearing. Well, I'm not sure where in the club guidelines. it says that lemon sherbert qualifies as why? This seems like a very strange time of life to take a stand. Closest supposedest thing I had in my closet to White. I don't remember anything in the guidelines about bringing a drink on the court. It's just a splash of Seagram, sweetie.
Oh look who's waving at us. it's Teddy. All set for the lesson. Teddy and he the most adorable tennis pro that you ever saw.
Oh, and for God's sake less, don't bring up mental institutions around him. Great Ginger. There goes my opening lawn. I'm serious. less a poor little lambmy he was up at Hamilton and apparently the rubber band just sort of snapped.
It was like a hole catcher in the rye kind of a thing. Nobody knows why. Whether it was the academic pressure, this brother's golfing accident. I don't know. Anyway, apparently a little guy would hide in trees in the quad, start naked and leap on the people's backs yelling profanities. I mean in that, wonderful, I couldn't stand it.
There's Nate and Tippy's daughter. she's developing nicely. At any rate, worse to avoid when Teddy gets here. Hamilton Quad trees naked and Mental Hospital. So mental hospital is out. Just cool it. hot stuff looking good out of berries. Well, if going to a mental hospital makes you look as good as you do, then sign me up. Well, I'm just saying less. Maybe I should start jumping naked from trees because this one. this one looks like a young Paul Newman. you look like Fort Knox?
You? really? yeah, whatever. Whatever. Whatever, You know that happened two years ago. So, you know, whatever.
So you guys ready for your listen? Listen Teddy. far be it for me to judge.
I mean, in my opinion, madness is one of the most freeing experiences it's out there, as I understand it. I mean, I think it's just wonderful. I really do. You just kind of let go. I think it's terrific. Well, you know, I uh, I really didn't find it freeing. I thought it was scary.
Let's uh, can we do some stretches? Man, you know what? you don't need to be ashamed about it because our dear friend Cassie Winthrop. no one wants to hear this story. I'm talking to Teddy Less and I really do think this might make him feel better.
I got pills for that. No, no, no, I don't take pills.
I don't listen to my wife Teddy. She's a coop. I'm telling you. our friend Cassie began losing control of her bowels when she became anxious.
I mean, it's just like this little dance right here. I don't know if that's a problem you had, but this story is very much on the Qt of the doctors traced her accidents all the way back to an addiction of all things to diet Coke. I mean, isn't that the looks?
I can't stand it. I mean, when she tried to go off the stuff, she went psychotic in a William Sonoma. She just went berserk and I can't stand that in That wonderful.
Didn't that make you feel better? I mean, we're all in this thing together, Teddy. we really are give a real knack for making people feel better. Ginger, I would. uh, can we do the lesson? Sure, I just have one question for you. did you journal in of your mental times? Did you put him down in a journal because all those terrific voices and the rocking back and forth? I mean, I am just fascinated by the stuff because I mean, I've certainly never felt psychotic. I have. I thought that we could work on our back end today.
I'll tell you something. just really quick. Our son Carter biked across France and wrote about it, and I think that your story would be equally as interesting. I really do. You should try to get it published. we have a very good friend who works for Little Brown. he's in jail. Ginger, Let's move out onto the court. if you please. Absolutely, right. Leslie. I will tell you something. This one. the little brown fella. He was really something. A Grade A Coop.
No, don't use that word please. Somebody call my Dad.
I want to be naked.
Well, what set him off? Oh holy cow, I guess. now. Tennis lesson. isn't that awful? I can't stand it. there's a story for your friends.
Oh, that's true. How wonderful. And that would make a nice little chestnut wouldn't it? it's really going to the bar. Oh, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna get a little refresher. |
dropout | feel_bad_for_the_bad_guy_hardly_working | Brennan, if I was an animal, what animal would I be? A horse. A horse? I don't want to be a horse, why? Just because of your beautiful mane.
Oh no. Okay. Okay, I like it now. Rika, your turn. Okay.
Brian, if I didn't have this job, where would I work? 7-Eleven. My God. Are you okay? Brian? We know you didn't mean to say that. Yeah. I'm okay. I'm okay, I guess. You're asking if Brian is okay? It just slipped. He would never say that. He certainly didn't mean to say it, right, Brian? Yeah. See?
He's so hurt right now. It's gonna be okay, big guy. He should feel hurt. He hurt my feelings. I mean, he brought up some past drama. Poor Brian. I mean, you must feel doubly awful.
You had no way of knowing that. How could he know that?
Why are you guys defending Brian? He's the one that said something racist. Whoa! Okay. I have known Brian for a long time, and he is not racist. He's had two black girlfriends. Bam! That doesn't matter, okay? And I didn't call him racist. I said he said something racist. Rekha, I totally get where you're coming from. I don't think you do. But Brian, he doesn't have a racist bone in his body. Everyone has the ability to do or say something racist, okay?
It's just about if they own up to it. And you can't own up to it if you're ignoring it. Boy, it's like she doesn't. She's not kidding.
Okay, Rekha, I get that you're upset. Consider for literally a second how much upsetting you upsets him.
He's one of the good ones. He went to the women's march. Not the most recent, but the big one, the one we all went to.
Why is having everything more comfortable, more important than acknowledging what happened? Rekha, can you imagine how bad it would feel to be attacked for something totally outside of your control?
Yeah, I can. That just happened. You're right. We've been ignoring your feelings this whole time. Thank you. Hearing that must be really hard. Okay. Brian, I'm so sorry, man. You must be triply hurt by the fact that Jess and I have been ignoring Rekha's feelings. We got it. Rekha, wait. You're right.
I have no excuse for my behavior. I'm really sorry for what I said. I'm going to do better.
Well, thanks, Brian. I appreciate it. Wow. That was so cool of you. Thanks, Brian. Thanks.
And that must have been really hard because you did have a lot of good excuses. To me, you are a hero. A hero? Do not say that lightly, dude. My dad was a firefighter. He's a hero for doing the bare minimum?
You know what? Let's just forget this whole thing ever happened. It's gone.
That's not for you to decide, guys. Guys, that's not for you to decide.
Hello? Are you even listening? I was listening, Rekha. Thank you, Katie.
But as you know, I don't see race, so none of it made any sense to me. |
dropout | can_you_beat_a_duck_in_a_trivia_game | Welcome to the only game show that pitches you against a duck in a series of multiple choice questions. This is You Versus a Duck. My contestants today, Emily Axford, Patrick Castles, Brian Murphy, and Adam Conover. And last but certainly not least, Quackers.
He's not even human.
Question number one. Genophobia is the irrational fear of what part of the body? Is it A, the knee? Or B, the elbow? Contestants, please turn your boards around now. We have A, A, B, and A. Come on, Quackers! It is a debate.
The duck chooses A and the duck is correct. It is in fact A. Smart duck. Smart man. He's a very smart duck. I would beat a regular duck.
Which of the following is not a function of iron? Is it A, brain function? Or B, gene regulation?
I think Quackers looks my answer. Please turn your answers around now. Everyone chose B. Let's see what the duck is thinking. Quackers. Still making up his mind. This is a tough choice. Stupid fucking duck. And Quackers is wrong. He's still doing a good job of tying the duck.
What is Woody Harrelson's middle name? Is it A, Kelly? Or B, Tracy?
B, B, A, B. Let's see what Quackers thinks. Release the Quackers.
The duck is in the B camp. The duck is correct. The duck pooped and you know what that means? This round is worth double points. Everyone duck included scores two.
How many galaxies are there in the observable universe?
Is it A, 200 billion? Or B, 500 billion? We have B, A, A, and A. Emily is the holdout this time. Let's see if the duck agrees. Duck, is it A, 200 billion? Or B, 500 billion?
Inching toward B. And we know that B is wrong because we would have given it to the duck. Leave the duck alone. I gotta beat this duck. That motherfucker isn't B. The duck chose B, the answer is in fact A. I mean, he's pulling away with it now at this point. I can't catch up to him, but I'm happy I'm there. Ducks are part of witch-bird family. Unfair! The duck is a duck.
Is it A, Anatidae? Or B, Chrisidae?
Contestants, please turn your boards around now. Duck rules Adam Drew. Can't win anyway.
Let's release the duck and see where the duck stands on his own heritage. The duck is in the V cam. And the duck is wrong. That puts Emily and Pat and Adam all above the duck. The duck in second place and Murph in third.
Murph, thanks so much for coming. If I get him right there and take a shit on B, could I get some points? |
SaturdayNightLive | blizzard_man_with_diddy_and_de_niro_snl | All right Diddy, you're a week past deadline on this album. I hope you have some good stuff to show us. Don't worry about it.
I got this guy that's coming in. that's crazy. he's the hottest hook guy in the business. Oh, yeah, who's that? Trey Songs better? Bruno Mars? No Blizzard Man. Well, the Blizzard Man. yeah, I've heard of him. Legend has it. he's a hip-hop hermit. That must be him right there.
Oh what? it? Do you ready to do this wiggity word, okay, let's go.
So that's the Blizzard Man. Yeah, it's the Blizzard Man.
Check this man. don't judge a book by its color. My man is like R. Kelly, Erica, Bob do Kate Hudson all rolled into one.
Now you're speaking my language. Diddy I Bliss. I'm let the beat rock and you just do your thing, baby. let's go hollow back yo, I'm about to set it. it's your boy young quiz I'ma just do me check my style out. rap song. rap song. rap is the fact that the kids all dig fancy duds are what we sport and when the ladies shake a leg we peek at their buns. yo, we're Brooklyn at fire Brooklyn Now as I told y'all my man, that was awful. Yeah. yeah, it's bad. it's not bad. y'all just hate the kid in there. he's the truth. Well, who is that? yo, that's my mom's what's up. snitches. It's indeed a pleasure to meet you. Oh did As you know, bitch gotta stay dipped. I indeed. what?
Streets wanted another bad creation. You crazy for this one? Mc Scat Cat Check my style out. The city is spooky, but we're not scared. We hang all the stupid razz the cops, then we stuff socks down the front of our jeans and the gal see the bullshit. they think it's our way. yo, no homo? What you talking about?
My boy just killed it in there. Yeah, don't front on blitz. He's spitting high-five girl. you the one that's high-five. he wasn't my man's mom. I tear that ass up. Thank you. You must be really proud of your son. Oh yeah, indeed. he's a roughneck that gets his thug on and he looks like a young dad, So man, he looks like he's going to the bathroom. All right. all right one more time, but it's nasty. Come on. I want you to really put it on him this time. let's go yo, bad boy is in the building we run, New York Diddy and Blizzy 1990 Fork 94 yo parents don't understand.
Hungry like the wolf? Check my style out.
New York is a heck of a town. We all talk funny cuz we're from the streets. We shoot the crowd and drink malted beers and wear novelty chains of enormous eyes.
This song needed pizzazz. I'll make it, it cook with my velvety pipes. The glare from our diamonds are so dang great that I lose my stomach and well, congratulations, Diddy. I think you got yourself another hit as I told you, we going straight to the top with this one, baby. |
cracked | 4_disturbing_mario_adventures_nintendo_doesn_t_want_you_to_see_canonball | Even if you've been there for Mario's entire journey from 8-bit blob to body-snatching haberdasher to Prime Minister of Japan? Mamma mia! I hope she made lots of smogas!
There's still a lot you may not know about the aman behind of the mustache. We're plunging way deeper than the blurps, the bloopers, even the blargs, and triple jumping straight into the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that creator Shigeru Miyamoto probably wishes would just stay flushed. All toast is toast too. We're talking Mario's Child Army, Peach's Mycological Infidelity, and a 1993 film adaptation you probably haven't seen. Holy ****! This is Cannonball.
Writing a Mario game is pretty simple. It's just some variation of short, mustachioed plumber saves tall princess from dino-monster hell-bent on monogamy. They then may or may not all go race go-karts, play tennis, or eat some pizza together. Mario's adventures are pretty light on the plot, allowing players to focus on the exciting gameplay, rather than the ethical implications of murdering so many turtles. That's why, whenever Mario warps into some other medium that attempts a plot more complicated than jump, man, things immediately go off the goddamn rails.
For example, the Super Mario Bros. anime. 1986's The Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach has the distinction of being the first ever video game to movie adaptation. It's also notable for actually adapting the source material, rather than just pelting audiences with easter eggs and telling them they're very, very smart for noticing. The movie was a companion to Super Mario Bros. 2.
Nope, not that one. The real one.
See, Nintendo thought the original game would be too hard for Americans, so they reskinned a much easier game for chubby-fingered western gamers. Mario may be synonymous with casual gaming in the US, but over in Japan, there's nothing casual about him. And if the game was too much for westerners to handle, they had no chance at comprehending the anime.
The movie starts with Mario playing a vaguely Mario-ish game that makes about as much sense as a plump little man who successfully alternates between rolling around in shitpipes and juggling three girlfriends. The adventure is kicked off by an inexplicable glitch, which will become a running theme with these Mario adaptations. His TV shorts out and Princess Peach comes yelping out of the screen, the ring style. Bowser follows and yoinks are back into the digital realm. Mario is still all messed up about it when we see him the next morning in the bodega that he and Luigi run in the middle of the desert. The bros are trying to appraise a precious gem the Princess left behind when they meet their companion. Before Yoshi, their first sidekick was apparently this horrible dog caterpillar creature who screams like a man in distress, or maybe ecstasy. This human-hint IP leads Mario and Luigi down a pipe and into the Mushroom Kingdom, where they embark on their quest, punctuated by this extremely rad rock anthem. Adventures include Mario kissing this smokin' hot toadette, Luigi experiencing a mushroom-induced freakout, and Bowser morphing into a bald ballerina.
The story comes to a jostling conclusion when they rescue the Princess, and the screeching dog reveals himself to be Peach's royal fiancee. The canine gentapede was really a human-yental-pede all along, and look at Mario's face when he realizes the dog can talk. That's the face of a man flashing back through every horrible, private thing he's done in front of that dog.
It's a wild ride, made even wilder by how many patently absurd things will go on to appear in later games, like defeating Bowser by spinning him by the tail, commandeering a sunken ghost ship, and even the Triforce. See, Miyamoto developed Mario and Zelda in tandem, and based them both on his childhood adventures in the woods near his house. Man, that guy had a cool childhood. But what could possibly be cooler then? Number 3 - Mario Ice Capades The Ice Capades were kind of a traveling circus for professional ice skaters. Remember, skateboarding still looked like this at the time, so adjusting for cultural inflation, this was actually pretty rad, especially when you had tie-ins with dope franchises like Barbie, the Flintstones, and the Snorks.
Similar to the anime three years earlier, the Mario Ice Capades adventure starts by way of nonsensical computer virus, and one of the earliest recorded instances of a gamer mansplaining to a disinterested woman, Jason Bateman, calling himself the Video Game Prince, tells Alyssa Milano the plot of Super Mario Bros., when suddenly the screen flickers. Bateman immediately understands that it's a computer virus, and the bad guys from the game are about to manifest in the real world, and on ice, apparently. King Koopa, having escaped his 8-bit confines, enacts his master plan of attacking various parts of a computer via singing, dancing, and harnessing the power of mass cringing. Along the way we meet a tough, weirdly sultry version of the princess, a far cry from the yelping damsel of distress in the anime, that's when our heroes enter, dangling impotently from our own. Mario then vanquishes his enemies in his signature style, by having his brother shoot them with a big gun. It's at this point that literal carts full of children are wheeled in to collectively bludgeon King Koopa to death with various plumbing instruments, and in doing so, learn a valuable lesson. When someone's threatening to damage your computer, violence is the answer.
Leo Romini Peach pops back in to pin sh** sticks to their overalls, before we zip back to reality, where Milano makes the dubious claim that she, quote, wins by default. Neither seems to be particularly concerned by the literal child army they just saw being instantly militarized. Okay, so it's tough to keep Mario and pals reeled in when they're slipping around on ice in front of screeching children, but things somehow get worse in print. 2. An international tour of embarrassing comics Because nothing makes sense, Mario's least weird cross-medium adventure comes from the Mario manga. In one adventure, Mario's old nemesis, Captain Syrup, demands he hand over a magic lamp that he very much does not have, but she spots a bulge in his crotch and is convinced that he's hiding it in the lower, center, inner pocket that overalls are famous for.
She vigorously rubs the bulge as Peach looks on and, wait, is that Delight? Yeah, maybe she's open to a three-player game.
Things get significantly weirder in Lily Franky Theater, a virtual magazine for the Famicom Satellaview. In case those last two words don't make sense to you, just know that Japan's version of the NES basically had satellite internet in 1995, and they put it to good use with this bizarre little comic strip about sex, drugs, and murder nestled amongst Nintendo's otherwise family-friendly IP. A couple of animated episodes feature an NES controller being plugged right into Mario's ass, and, uh, this guy, having sex with a lobster. But mostly they were weird little Compromatte slideshows made by taking pictures of plushies.
Here we have Bill Gates explaining to Mario and Toad that Windows 95 is a hat. Oh, and here's a two-part saga where Mario escapes from a notorious Japanese prison because, as we all know, he always hides a spoon in his ass and a power drill in his nut sack. But the worst storyline, yep, worse than the lobster guy, shows Mario walking in on Toad, uh, sauteing his girlfriend. Incensed, Mario stomps them both to death, lights up a cigarette, and introduces their ghosts to his new girlfriend, Bowser. Another Japanese comic strip, this time from a 1994 Donkey Kong strategy guide, sees Mario team up with DK Jr. to infiltrate a group of orphans.
As this weirdly specific sign states, there are no adults allowed in this particular vacant lot.
But Mario's got a plan. He shaves his mustache and has DK Jr. shave his entire body, leaving nothing but this fryer-took bull cut on top. Somehow these two hairless freaks aren't the villains of the story. They show back up to find a cabal of kidnappers, who look like someone managed to wrestle clothes onto a pack of humanoids from Attack on Titan, mid-kidnap. Mario, being a useless creep, is also not the hero. Donkey Kong Sr. has to show up and fight off the kidnappers.
But before DK can hurl Mario back into the nearest toilet, Mario reminds the kids that they should go find some girls to mate with. The leader of the street urchins tells him they don't know shit about fucking, which is honestly kind of a relief.
And finally, we travel to Germany for a story in Club Nintendo about skinhead yoshis. When a multicolored pack of yoshis meets a black yoshi for the first time, their instinct is to forcibly scrub his skin and take turns berating him. Green says that black yoshis eat babies. Extremely yikes. Then they ditch him, but meet instant karma when they're captured by comic and baby bowser. Black Yoshi comes to their rescue by bonking, even super bonking, their captors, until they decide, quote, this sucks, and flee. All prejudice is forgotten, the comic claims, even as the other yoshis refuse to sit next to black yoshi. They all tell stories about how they're the victims of reverse yoshi racism, so they totally get it. Okay, so Nintendo's dabbled in racism, sown the praises of self-medication, and radicalized an army of children.
The only way this franchise could get any less family-friendly is if, oh no. Number one, Nintendo owns a Mario porn parody. For anyone who saw that lobster fucker and said, uh, hold on, more of this, please. We present to you the 1993 two-part saga, Super Hornio Bros. Nintendo was already developing the Super Mario Bros. movie we know in, what? So to ensure nothing would tarnish their future masterpiece, they found themselves in the awkward position of buying this Ron Jeremy vehicle so they could, uh, hold on to it, for safekeeping. Like apparently every Mario story, this one begins with a nebulous technological mishap.
As Ron can only emote via orgasm, he experiences an excruciating, full-body electrojaculation. Hornio and Squeegee fart out of the corporeal plane and enter what appears to be the cover of a math textbook. All the sex stuff was mercifully omitted from the version that was uploaded to YouTube, but they presumably fucking sucked their way past the Bondage Queen. And Virus Man, before finally encountering the princess mid-tickle fight with King Pooper and some unknown foul-mouthed stooge. We're left to assume the bros save the princess through some manner of metaphorical pipelaying and she telepathically farts herself and Hornio back to the real world. Luigi is left behind to handle King Pooper, who re-emerges in a cloud of vaporized jism. Eventually they all make it back and we learn King Pooper's master plan, collect a bathtub full of spunk and use human prostitutes to create a swarm of Koopalings, which sounds about as sexy as it does scientifically plausible. And that's where it ends. Unless you happen to own one of the original VHS cassettes, you never get to see the thrilling climax. Given Nintendo's penchant for repurposing weird stuff from extended canon in later games, it's only a matter of time before King Pooper, the Bondage Queen, and Virus Man vart their way into the next Super Smash Bros. |
SaturdayNightLive | bowling_alley_saturday_night_live | No, no, a 7-10 split. I can't believe it. the impossible split of all time. This is Unbelievable. I can't believe it. This is amazing. the 7-10, the ball is cursed. Unbelievable. I can't believe this. it's amazing. it's unbelievable. Oh! this is absolutely unbelievable. this is amazing. you know what I'm talking about?
Hey, Eddie. how you doing? good. me lousy. got the 7-10. hey, look at this. unbelievable. how good could I be? You know? hey, how's your sister, by the way?
Oh, no. I am sorry. I didn't know. I didn't hear nothing. I've seen the papers and nothing. I'm sorry. I didn't know.
I'm like that. You know, every time I ask somebody how they are, they're dead. you know what I'm talking about? So, I'm really sorry. you know, I'm not laughing now. you know, I'm just.
But it always happens to me. it's unbelievable. I'm just. it's amazing. it's unbelievable. Hey, Frankie. how you doing? hey, where's your brother? he owes me ten bucks. you see? this is. this is unbelievable. I mean, oh, unbelievable. But everything's going like that now. it's unbelievable.
You know, my old man is really, really upset with me. I quit college again, you know? you know? I was going to junior college, you know, them two-year schools, you know? but I was there six years. I didn't learn nothing. I'll tell you that right now. it's ridiculous. it's really ridiculous, you know? And then my love life is going south, you know? I broke up with Joni after all this time. I had to get rid of her, you know? you know, man, you know.
No, I shouldn't have no mustache, you know? it wasn't that. it was. it was like the age difference. it was the difference in our ages. You know, I'm 37 now. yeah, you know, I've been around. I've been to Nam. I've been around. you know, I was there. you know, I've been around. and I know that they say the high school girls are more mature than they were, but I didn't think so, you know? really stupid.
You know what she said to me the other night? I was sitting there smooching and stuff, you know? she looks up and she goes, Ricky, I believe the professional wrestling is fixed. Do you believe that? It was unbelievable. it was absolutely unbelievable. I couldn't believe it, you know? it was amazing. And you vote. You did?
I never vote. I have never voted. I am proud to say I never vote. No, I do care about who's, you know, who's the president and all that stuff. I just don't want to have jury duty, you know what I'm talking about?
Oh, good. looking back there, you know, 7'10". 7'10".
I'm coming for you, man. my whole life is like weird now, you know? I'm 37 and I don't know what's going on, you know? I've been unsettled, you know? I think I may be going to California. you know, I got to California, you know? it's warm there. it's really nice, you know? chicks will be there, you know? maybe I'll meet Hefner, you know? hang out with the chicks, because I'm a chick guy. the chicks are over me, you know? they're all over me. I'm like a pest strip, you know what I'm talking about? I'm like a pest strip. it's unbelievable, you know? yeah, you know?
And then, you know, if I'm in L.a. you know, I think I could do what I really, really want to do all my life, you know? I just didn't know. it's been burning, burning up inside of me. I really want to direct the movie. I really think that's what my talents are bent for, you know? I mean, I really think that I could just go out there and just really. I would really like to direct the movie. but, you know, too much, too much.
Hey, listen. Happy Thanksgiving, man. you gonna be with your parents on Thanksgiving? Oh, no. I didn't know. this is one of them days, you know, I'm talking about. I got two old boys, triple. I got a triple, you know? Oh, well, I got to get this impossible spare. Anyway, take care of yourself, all right? you know something? After all this time, my old man's right. he says, life is a tough job, and the hours are a bitch. you know what I'm talking about? I got it! |
cracked | how_frank_ocean_trolled_the_music_industry_cracked_responds | Bridget, Christian, Frank Ocean built a staircase in a warehouse and it's like the biggest thing that's happened in music You need to know about it if you don't and we need to talk about it if you do So if you're if you're not totally on top of it quick version it was like we've been waiting for four years for Frank Ocean's album And then all of a sudden we got a visual album an actual album pop-up stores where you can get the album a magazine Along with the album and we can't play any of it for you because of copyright and because you should go You know support music the pop-up store thing was really interesting to bunch of pop-up stores in major cities happened everywhere and not promoting. Yeah endless so much as It was promoting the other album blonde really quirky of him too because he didn't you didn't tell anybody about it Just kind of they started showing up and then word of mouth got around like and then right you can get like just a fun zine that Frank Ocean and his friends put together. Yeah with a fantastic poem by Mr. Kanye West about McDonald's Frank Ocean's the lead story But like the buried lead other story is that a dozen world famous musicians made a yearbook club So Frank Ocean's album album the non-visual one was supposed to be called Boys Don't Cry turned out to be called Plon And it's pretty epic I would say yeah This is what you think of when you think of Frank Ocean and there was a music video released for Nikes Which is the first song on the album really strange music video and nudity a good deal of nudity It came out and I was listening to it while doing work and all of a sudden I was at my desk I was like, huh, I think I'm about to cry Which was really distracting me from my crying at my desk, right?
Yeah There's just stuff. Don't yeah, don't ask me.
There's some kind of sound collage II parts of it There's like a voicemail from his mom and like I think they got a voicemail with his brother on it his brother Ryan his name on Twitter. He made it something like boys. Don't cry on which is really great But he he like freaked out about the voicemail being on there.
He was like, I was so young this embarrassing But like embarrassing your brother with an album do it really would love if it just came out clear that this was intentionally better endless Endless is good But in a confusing way after years of radio silence and teasing albums on his website released a video of him building A staircase to be fair the most exciting part of that video is when he walks on the staircase and you're like No, frank you built that it's gonna break It's also if you haven't seen the staircase. It's like it's not just like oh staircase in my house It's like kind of a spiral and very blocky and leading nowhere It's like the staircase you would build for the middle of like a villain's house Part of why we even care about this at all is he's quite a good musician It's maybe his experimental phase that we're getting into now. I mean it all kind of seems experimental like genius experimental with an artist like that I'm always afraid they're gonna make a thing I'm gonna be like, oh this really above my level and then they're gonna do some interview where they're like Yeah, and after that now I want to get experimental and we'll be like, oh i'm really not I don't get anything stick to what I understand. Oh boy Oh so much can carry now So is this a piece of art or is it a record contract escape maneuver? If it is it's the most artful one in terms of label hijinks That's the thing that's happened through music for years and years like uh, there was a rolling stone song called schoolboy blues That they just put out to get out of their record contract because they had to give them one word single So they made it as gross as possible on purpose And there's a van morris an album where he owed his record company 30 more songs So he took a guitar and played 30 more songs in an afternoon This happens all the time, but this might be sort of the most artful and drawn out and built up version of it I've ever seen this one is like giving your boss the bird while doing a gymnastics routine Like that is the level of artistry here because it turned out that when he released this visual album endless That was released under his contract with deaf jam records, which is part of universal, which is made of the company It turns out that was his last album on that contract and then he immediately released a possibly better regular album Under his own personal label called boys don't cry which is a name He's been promoting for like three years in his defense Like you get notoriously bad deals for artists on their first deal now that frank ocean has given us 17 different kinds of media in one week After a four-year goose chase, what's your favorite metaphor or experience or whatever you got out of it? Um, I like The metaphor of Kanye west's poem the sneaky fries are universal music group And the smooth apple pie Is frank ocean? I do Like the staircase thing so if it is the metaphor for a universal music group making him do this endless Task that is a very cool metaphor to proceed dropping Uh blonde which is a fantastic piece of art i'm super thrown that it's called blonde but on the cover of it his hair is green What's that about frank?
Let us know really let me know i'm not not very smart Hey, thanks for watching. Please do all the youtube things and in the comments Let us know how long you think it will be till the next frank ocean project Yeah, and uh, what will it be? Will it be a regular music album?
Oh will be the stores? Will we get a lunch box? A line of festive socks Who knows? |
dropout | how_to_sell_a_haunted_house | This house was whack. Now it's real as hell. This is flip yo' s**t. Oh, okay. So you don't see me walking here. The Collins family asked me to help them flip their home. Let's see what we're in for. Come on. I am going to drop an honesty bomb on your faces. This house is perfect. Well... It's haunted. Quit playing. He's serious. Ooh, hell yeah!
Haunted houses are so in right now. Last year it was about stainless steel, open kitchen concepts. This year is all about blood dripping from ceilings and having a close proximity to Satan. Some designers are scared, but this girl... Nothing says, buy me, more than a haunted house. So, why spend money trying to unhaunt it? Because no one wants to live in a haunted house.
Wrong. Do you see those bloody hand prints on the wall? Yes, I hate them.
It adds a little flair and texture. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? Ooh, I'm making it spooky. Ooh, I can make you spooky too. This house has been on the market for 14 months because it's really scary, and now Monica wants to make it even scarier. I don't get it. And I'm covered in paint.
Nothing like a cross breeze created by evil spirits in transit. Oof. Every damn room in this house is haunted, but it ain't gonna sell unless it's poop your pants scary. The only part of the house that was originally not haunted was the guest house, so we decided to haunt the fuck out of it.
What did you do? I performed a special sacrifice just for you. Who's our family pet? Oh, it's okay.
Working with Monica was miserable. She made me cry a lot. Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Yeah, she sure did. But in the end, she was right. Their house sold immediately, which just goes to show you the only thing you need to fear is fear itself.
fuck Mike, you stupid bitch. |
cracked | the_scarier_story_you_missed_in_the_background_of_jaws | Jaws, the classic movie about a bloodthirsty turbo shark in the resort town full of rich people who can't stop beating themselves to it, terrified a generation of viewers like me into never going to the beach ever again. People today would still rather spend their weekends shitting in a wading pool than go anywhere near the f***ing ocean. Well, prepare to have your shark-fearing minds blown, because Jaws isn't about a shark at all.
It's about a man slowly collapsing beneath the crushing weight of alcoholism. Chief Brody, the top cop of Amity Island, a man so unnervingly tanned that he looks like one of the lost boys wearing footy pajamas cut from the skin of macho man Randy Savage, is a rumbling, bumbling, stumbling drunk. And his isn't the charming, hilarious alcoholism of a cartoon pirate. It's the dark, brooding alcoholism of a high school janitor. You know, you want to let that breathe for nothing.
The first thing we learn about Brody is that he's a cop from New York who just relocated to Amity Island. Why would a weak-willed pushover terrified of the ocean leave New York City to rule the largely ornamental police force of a Yepi Island community? Here's the answer. Brody didn't move voluntarily. He got drunk on the job and crashed his police cruiser. And rather than face a department-wide public disgrace, the NYPD quietly shipped Brody's booze-soaked ass down to Amity.
In the scar-sharing scene on the Orca, we see Brody lift up his shirt to reveal a faded old wound so that he can join in the conversation. But then he clearly thinks better of it, puts his bronze torso back in its holster. That's the scar from his accident. He doesn't want to share it with Quentin Hooper, because it's a horribly embarrassing story about his failure as both a responsible man and as an officer of the law. Sure, Quentin's probably drunk all the time too, but did you see all the shark bones in his house?
Clearly doesn't interfere with his work. And driving a boat while hammered is totally legal. It actually makes you better at boating. The reason Brody lets the mayor and everyone else tell him what to do all the time is because he's on thin freaking ice.
He even hints towards the accident when he mentions having to walk his kids to school in New York. Kids can't leave the house, you gotta walk them to school. Why wouldn't he just drive them to school?
Because his license got pulled after he hopped into his police cruiser and let Steel Reserve take the wheel. Steel Reserve has hands in this joke.
Virtually every time we see Brody at home, he's drinking. He crushes an entire bottle of wine at dinner and we're given the distinct impression that getting shitfaced and struggling to have sex is the only thing he and his wife enjoy doing together. Wanna get drunk and fool around? Oh yeah.
When the shark shows up, nobody listens to Brody, at first. The mayor treats him like the biggest asshole in the universe for even suggesting that a shark is afoot. Which means this probably isn't the first time Brody has called him in an early morning panic to drunkenly babble about sea monsters. But once the shark beefs that kid in front of a beach full of witnesses, suddenly the mayor has to admit that Brody was right.
It's the first time anyone has shown him even the tiniest amount of respect since his transfer. And he doesn't want to let that go.
And I'm not saying the shark doesn't exist, it totally does. But the shark is incidental. In all probability, that militia of dangerously inexperienced fishermen actually did catch the correct shark. And what happens when Brody and Hooper hop on Hooper's million dollar fancy boat to track down the real shark?
Brody drinks a liter of wine straight out of the goddamn bottle. I'm not saying he didn't share any of it with Hooper, but he probably didn't share any of it with Hooper. I pulled a tooth the size of a shot glass out of the rectal of a boat out there. The only people who use shot glasses as a unit of measurement are bartenders and people who have to breathe into a tube to start their pickup trucks.
Whether or not there's still a shark out there is irrelevant, because it's no longer about the shark. It's about Brody needing there to be a shark. Being right about the shark made all the shame of his addiction go away. So in his mind, the shark has become his alcoholism. They even hunt it by stabbing it full of empty beer kegs. He's literally trying to kill the shark with sobriety.
And hey, remember that scene where they all drink quince-terrible home brewed liquor and sing to each other? Yeah, that was the entire trip. It was basically Chief Brody's leaving Las Vegas. This actually makes the film's climax more believable. A 25-foot shark leaping onto the transom of their enormous fishing boat, killing the seasoned shark hunter, and Brody shooting it so hard in the face that it explodes. Actually makes way more sense as the fever dream of a rampaging alcoholic trying to explain how Quint drowned after they all got wasted on bathtub hooch and crashed into a reef.
Hey, what day is this? Classic Brody.
Hey guys, thanks for watching the video you presumably watched unless you just skipped the end to watch the end plates like I do, because I really just super love the end plates. So if you're like me and you just watched the end plates, welcome to yet another amazing cracked YouTube. Please subscribe to our channel, End Plate. Alright, it seems like we're coming to the end of the end plate, but I hope you enjoyed this episode of Cracked End Plates. |
dropout | derrick_s_jazz_man | Jazz, the only true American art form, and no jazz musician contributed more to this most American of art forms than Kyle Jellymouth Williams. Jellymouth was one of the first mainstream black performers. White America, black America, everyone loved Jellymouth, yet he still encountered racial inequality everywhere he went. On August 22, 1929, he was performing at the Hotel Dorchester in New York when he was refused service at the hotel's whites-only bar. This is a pivotal moment in his career.
Thank you guys for coming out tonight. I'd like to play you a little something, something I wrote last night called, uh, separate but equal. Yeah! Thank you!
Suck my dick, guys! Suck my dick!
All right? You a motherfucker and you a motherfucker. Won't let me drink in your bar, huh? Well, here's some Jim Crow for that ass. Yeah! Oh, oh, man. I'm gonna go have sex with like five white women tonight, all right?
You guys have fun. Have fun. Good night. All right? Suck my dick. All right? Have fun. All right?
You pay for the dick here.
Jellymouth's artistic achievement with that song was unparalleled. He was breaking new ground with every note, and there was a subtle racial message, but it didn't hit you over the head with it. Unfortunately, he was still a black man in America in the 30s, and, uh, he was arrested just standing on a stoop with his friend one evening for doing nothing. A week later, Kyle focused his latest injustice into a further exploration of Jax. Thank you guys for coming out. Um, I wanted to play a song for you about, uh, what you probably already know, which is that I was arrested last week. The song is called Soberd with Sadness.
Yeah! Thank you!
Now suck my dick, guys! Hey, arrest the motherfucker for doing nothing?
That's fine.
You know what? I ain't gonna be sucking and jiving for you guys in no fucking movies no more. At this point, he's just creatively in the stratosphere. I mean, nobody has heard sounds like this before in jazz. No booze! Boo, please! Thank you! Gonna have me tap dancing and shit with little white girls in movies? Well, you know what? None of that no more.
Oh, your hatred feeds me. Your hatred's like a summer breeze across my black brow.
White my dick on the trumpet! Listeners just weren't ready. They had nothing to compare it to. But he said, you know what? To hell with record sales. I'm just gonna explore my art on my terms. It ain't no clarinet in this motherfucker.
Fuck you! That's for you, Grandma. Oh, she's not allowed here. That's right.
I forgot. Crazy me.
Suck it. Now you get to hear another jazz song that starts with a loaf of Pronto. Oh, I just orgasmed onstage from your white hatred. Is this what you want? You guys make music! All of you! My wife!
Unfortunately, like so many black musicians throughout history, the sound that Jellymouth pioneered was co-opted by white musicians. The most famous of Jellymouth's imitators is, of course, Teddy Cheesesteak Appleton.
Haha! Suck my dick, everybody. Suck my dick. Arrest a motherfucker for something he didn't do. You paid for this ticket. All right, suck my dick, guys.
Good night. Hiya, Frank.
I mean, even beyond his white imitators, Jellymouth's influence cannot be overstated. I mean, he was so ahead of his time. I mean, if you recorded those records today, and you released them today, they would still be a guy farting. But... |
SaturdayNightLive | boston_teens_ski_lift_snl | Hey, Tommy, is it on? are you getting this? I want to make sure we document my worst vacation ever! Save it, Sully! here we are on a class ski trip to picturesque Mount Wachusett. to my far right is my girlfriend of nine years, Denise. we are currently not on speaking terms. snuggling by my side instead? a stranger. what's your name, Chief? my name's Wiley, but people call me the Devastator. that would be a great name for Denise, because she has devastated my trip! I'm the Devastator! you've got a wicked lot of nerve! I fell asleep on the bus ride up here. Sully took it upon himself to draw this Amish beard on my face. it's a sign of his love and respect for me! Dude, you look like Abraham Lincoln. I thought you'd think it was funny! it was a sharpie! You are retarded. you are!
So, uh, how are the trails today? Oh, dude, it dumped huge last night. like eight inches of freshies. a little scratchy on top, but the power's in the trees for sure. I caught Big Air. Ah, yeah, you don't say, yeah. where are you from there, Ranger Rick? I'm from Boulder, Colorado, bro. but I've been doing this thing where I want to ride on every mountain in North America before I turn 19.
Yeah, me and Tommy have a similar goal involving every flavor of schnapps. Yeah! he's been stuck on Peppermint for four years!
Oh, it speaks! Hey, Destructo, you got a girlfriend? Well, I'm kind of seeing these four girls named Gretchen. Oh, yeah? what'd she get Gretchen for her birthday? Um, grapefruit bath beads from the Body Shop. because that one gave me a box of microwave popcorn and some double-a batteries! It was thoughtful, because you love popcorn and your walkman's always dying. Meanwhile, for his birthday, I dropped $40 on a gift certificate from Structure. which I used to buy that green suit I wore to your mother's wedding.
But bro, answer me this. what's the most important thing in a man's life? I don't know, man. catching air, hitting a rail in the train park. no worries. Rock and roll. ride till you die. Dude, you got to get your life together. Yeah, you can't make money doing extreme sports. you got to have goals.
Me? I'm certified in elder Care. and I want to be the next baba booey. But until then, I'm keeping my job telemarketing for Givalia Coffee. ain't that right, Denise? talk to the Mitten. Denise, come on! let's focus on what really matters. I'm always there for you.
When you got in a fight with that girl from Billa-recca, did I not immediately alert you that your boob had fallen out? I would have figured it out eventually. Dudes, can I just say one thing? And maybe it's because all I've had to eat today is four Sobeys and a lunatician bar for women. But I feel like I could cry right now. you guys got to work this out, because there's only one, two things in life that are for sure. one is, if you go up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B.a. Select, start, you get unlimited men on Contra. What's the other thing? Oh, yeah. the other thing is love is the only natural high. Hey, Denise, look down there.
What? Oh, My. God! Sully! you spelled out Sully loves Zazu in yellow snow! when did you do that? when you were in the crapper trying to scrub that beard off. Oh, My. God! it's so romantic! I will shout my love from the mountaintops and forever squirt it into the snowy drifts. you're my bearded Amish beauty. you're retarded. you're wicked retarded. you're so retarded, you should win an oscar for your groundbreaking performance as a retarded person. you should. you should. you are. What?
Hey, guys. guys, I gotta lift the bar. come on. Hey, come on. And remember, when you're getting off, keep your pole in the air.
Tommy, please tell me you got that. Denise? you got any more of those pina coladas you gave me? Frank, what are you talking about? a genius move hiding it in a sunscreen bottle. Frank, that was sunscreen. Oh, well, at least my poop will smell like a bitch. Please tell me you did Not get that on tape. |
TheOnion | Should_Companies_Discontinue_Unpaid_Intern_Fights | Internships have been a source of controversy lately, as many are beginning to question whether interns deserve to be paid when fighting each other for their boss's amusement. Chad Williams has more. Getting coffee, taking notes at meetings, beating each other senseless before crowds of cheering executives. The jobs of the intern aren't always glamorous, but many young people say that they're essential to getting ahead in a competitive job market. I'm doing it for the experience. I feel like if I can make myself useful and win a lot of fights, they might keep me in mind if there's an opening. Here at Slash Forward Marketing's New York office, unpaid interns like Lauren Hauer are given the opportunity to punch, kick, and choke one another in front of supervisors with years of experience in the fields they hope to go into themselves. But should interns be paid? Human resources managers like Amanda Duhl don't think so. She says this is just how young people earn their place in today's corporate environment. Our interns get real-world experience that looks great on their resume, and in return we get a little extra help around the office and something fun to gamble on.
But more and more critics are saying that internships have grown exploitative. George Berman, a labor lawyer, says that while a certain amount of bloodsport is permitted under federal wage laws, all internships must be primarily educational. We're not saying that employers can't ask interns to stomp on someone's throat or make copies, but when interns do nothing all day but answer phones and close windows on each other's heads, they're just being taken advantage of. The question of pay has grown more contentious as internships have popped up seemingly everywhere, from small businesses to major corporations all the way up to the White House. Landing one of these coveted positions has become so competitive that just last year an unpaid internship at Viacom drew over 10,000 applicants. But as lawsuits continue to crop up, will unpaid intern fights become a thing of the past?
For now, at offices like Slash Forward, it looks like they're not going anywhere.
At the moment, I need experience more than I need money or ten whole fingers, and I'm learning so much. I couldn't be happier. I used to be an intern, now I'm a full-time employee, just like it's supposed to work. For The Onion News Network, I'm Chad Williams. Here at O&N, I like to treat our interns with respect because you never know if one day they'll be gambling on my pain. |
dropout | every_wedding_speech_ever_ch_shorts | Alright, congrats again to the newlyweds and I hope everybody has a full drink because it is time for EVERY WEDDING SPEECH EVER! Hi everyone, I hope you're all having as much fun as I am tonight. For those of you who do not know me, I am the maid of honor. I am the groom's brother. He felt obligated to make me the best man, even though we are not close at all. I'm the bride's father. This is the first time I'm seeing my ex-wife since the divorce, so I'm desperately trying to look good. I'm the groom's mother, and I just want to say...
This day is all about Lauren and Casey, except for the next five minutes, which will be about me, living out my dream of being a stand-up comedian. I wasn't exactly sure how to convey how much you two mean to me, so I wrote this poem. I just spent four days with my brother and his actual friends. It was bad and not fun. Everyone would have preferred if I wasn't there.
Casey and Lauren, your love is true. Casey and Lauren, I wish only the best for you. The dictionary defines soulmate as a person who is perfectly suited to another temperament. And that's just like Casey and Lauren. Casey and Lauren, you will be together forever. Casey and Lauren, seeing your love makes me feel light like a feather.
And now I will continue for 10 more minutes. I can't wait to take my brother down. I remember the specific shitty thing he did to me when we were little that I should be over by now. You're really more like a sister to me than a best friend. Seriously, what am I going to do now that you're married? I am hanging on by a fucking thread right now. I've been so happy. Growing up, Lauren loved the play Eddie. Maybe that's why she always looked at me as her daddy warbucks. That's right. I'm going to keep coming up with unfunny ways to remind everybody that I paid for this wedding.
Do you remember what happened at Horseshoe Lake? And who can forget that one time on Bell Tower Hill?
I will keep alienating everyone else by vaguely alluding to things that only the two of us experienced. I think we can eat right now. Now I'm going to raise some red flags. Here's a story about your husband's first girlfriend who he treated like absolute shit. I'm now going to embarrass you in front of your family by hinting at some wild night we had in college at a sex party where we were both trashed and high out of our fucking minds. Oh, oh, here's another story about your husband hating women. Here's a joke about how you'll probably get divorced, but I'm not paying for the next wedding.
I am so excited that I get to be a grandma. Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your love. Wow, I'm just realizing how that was the weirdest way to end this speech. You take care of my little girl. Make sure she stays out of trouble. You're the new man in her life and other statements that sound nice, but are actually super misogynistic.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
dropout | nerd_alert_burlesque | This week on NerdAlert, we are going to check out three nerdy burlesque shows. Yes, you read the title of the video correctly, I said nerdy burlesque shows. We're gonna see something called Nerdlesque. We are going to see a Twin Peaks theme show and a post-apocalyptic review by a group called D20. I don't know why we're wasting time on the intro, let's get to that first show. I am here with Zipee and Anya, the producers of D20 Burlesque, who by the way have the incredible tagline, our charisma is only matched by our dexterity. Now guys, I know about Dungeons and Dragons, I know what a magic missile is, I know who Drizzet is, I know what a Thayko is.
What I don't know is anything about burlesque. What is burlesque? It's basically striptease, it's the art of storytelling.
In the beginning it was a lot of satire, so that's kind of what we're doing here. The show came together because I had a couple of acts that I wanted to do. I had a portal act, I had a Cthulhu act, and I had an act where I wanted to be a giant D20. And I knew that going to the normal burlesque shows, people just wouldn't get it. So this isn't just Dungeons and Dragons? We try to be gamer based, so we try to do anything that's gaming themed, we try to stick to it as much as possible. Sometimes we're a little bit more open, like tonight's is just dystopias and apocalypses.
I am here with Danger Doll, one of the performers of tonight's show. Thanks so much for being here. Of course. What exactly are you planning for tonight? I am doing a 1984 act.
So are you a real nerd? I am a real nerd.
I have this Super Nintendo tattoo right here. Who is this character? This is a Mr. Saturn from the RPG Earthbound.
It was the first video game that really got me into gaming. It's not the first video game that I played, but it's the first video game that made me a hardcore gamer. And I'm a big retro gamer. Video games kind of have a reputation for girls not being into it, but you've been into it your whole life?
Oh, my whole life. Let me just check my next question real quick. Where were you when I was in high school? I'm going to read you guys a list of things.
I'd like you to tell me if you could make it sexy and how. The box for Metal Gear. Boxes can do a lot actually in burlesque. Yeah, I mean I do a companion cube act where I seduce the companion cube.
The TARDIS. Yes, there has actually been a couple of Doctor Who shows. There's a great performer, Nasty Kanasta, who has, I think she has like eight Doctor Who acts. She did one where they did eight different doctors. They had a TARDIS on stage, and they would do a fight, and then they would go in and a different performer came out as a different doctor.
Math. Just math? Just math. Could you do math burlesque? Math lesson?
Yeah. Yeah, I mean definitely. What about grammar? There is a performer who does one to adjectives from Schoolhouse Rocks. I like that. Are you like, yes, it is theoretically possible.
Half the things I'm throwing out, you're like, yeah, that already did. Guys, thank you so much for doing this. Let's go to the next show.
How did you arrive at David Lynch as a theme? It began with a bunch of friends who were huge David Lynch fans, like myself. We realized that the brand of humor that David Lynch has, the quirky cheesecake-ness, the campiness, along with his really twisted, bizarre, kind of scary side, was a perfect blend for a burlesque show. How, what? It's hard to explain, but his shows and his movies go from really quirky humor to the most disturbing things you could possibly see. And I was like, why not combine all of that with girls and men taking their clothes off? So how do you channel the themes and the motifs and the stories of David Lynch into burlesque?
We take the music, we put it all together. We take these costumes, like this beautiful eye patch I'm wearing right now.
And channel the characters that are in the show. Like I, for instance, am Nadine Hurley tonight. I would be speaking to you as Nadine Hurley, but then I'd have to scream at you.
O.M. What is up with the pasties? What's the difference between the pasties and just full-on nudity? I think having the pasties makes it a little bit more exciting. I think there's a little something left to the imagination. Plus, you know, the girls can do a little tassel, and they're fun and sparkly. I mean, I think burlesque in general is as much about people getting naked as it is showing these amazing costumes. It's a conscious decision to kind of pace the costume. Sure, and there's certainly been, you know, even though, keep it on the down low, some people go without pasties occasionally.
But only if it makes sense theatrically for their number. If it's true to the character. Exactly. Francine, thank you so much for talking to us. What do I say? Break a leg, have fun, good luck. What's the appropriate?
Actually, there's a term, papa pastie. Well, papa pastie at tonight's show.
Thank you very much. Let's check out the next show. Ladies and gentlemen. I'm here with Dicky and Macon of Nerdlesque. Now, guys, this is my third Nerdburlesque show. I'm kind of an expert now, but yours is the first I'm seeing that doesn't have a cohesive theme to it. Was that a conscious decision? Well, we live in a very, very great time right now where Nerdburlesque is like something that happens and is totally accessible. So I think the shows that are themed, D20, Epic Berlin, they're wonderful. And so we like to be a little bit more general over here and let people kind of roll with whatever they feel like. Sometimes we do themes, but this time around, we felt that it was important to give an homage to just classic nerdiness. Nerdburlesque, Nerdburlesque, D20, Epic Berlin.
I am here with Iris Explosion, who tonight played the Flash. How did you choose that character? I was asked a while ago to be an Epic Winds Marvel versus DC show. And they asked for a superhero act that wasn't Batman. And I had all these ideas, and I thought, well, the Flash, the name's already fairly provocative. And I thought it would be fun to play with speed and with the tease in Nerdburlesque, it's usually doing things in slow motion, like pulling down a zipper very slowly or removing a glove very slowly. I thought it would be fun to play with that in terms of doing a silly superhero.
So you were at a lot of these shows. You know, when we had the idea to do this, we didn't know if you guys would be willing to let us come to let us tape the show. Everyone was immediately on board. Everyone was great about it. Did it ever occur to you to maybe not let us tape this? Was that weird?
No, I mean, we like the attention. It's nice to have Nerdy Burlesque get some exposure, especially, since it is sort of a new burgeoning facet of the burlesque scene. And it's nice to maybe get some more widespread recognition all over the country.
I feel like the whole Nerdburlesque thing is destroying two stereotypes. One, that there are no female nerds, obviously not true. But two, that nerds don't have confidence. I think that's something a lot of people think of when they think of dorks. How do you explain the rise of Nerdy Burlesque? I mean, I think for far too long, we've hidden in the closet of our nerdiness. You know, kept our role playing games down low, secret.
I think it just came to a point where the action figures had to come out of the plastic encasement. Yeah, and I think it's actually a very natural, I mean, I'm somebody who actually is very self-conscious as a person. And this is one of the ways that you open up and you let go of all that. When I grew up, I felt like an outsider. And now I feel like this is cool. This is cool now.
That's it for this week's Nerd Alert. If you made it this far into the video, you may also enjoy my podcast, the Jeff Rubin, Jeff Rubin show. Or maybe you just like seeing girls dress up as nerdy things and take off their clothes. I couldn't blame you. But you should really check out my show where you have such illustrious guests as the guy that directed the porno version of The Simpsons. We talked to the guy that created the Dothraki language for the Game of Thrones show on HBO. It's a lot of fun.
I'll see you there. But until then, here is CGY, our band special effects of the week. Later losers. |
dropout | a_dirty_cop_s_worst_nightmare | You can't take me off the case, Chief! I'm too close to busting this thing wide open! You destroyed 15 city blocks, McCluskey! My hands are tied! It's my case!
Oh yeah, was that so hot? Well, look at this, buddy! You're suspended! With pay! With pay? Yeah, that's right. You think you can suspend me with pay?!
God dammit, McCluskey! You killed 90 innocent people! You gotta be punished! That's why you're getting two. Count them. Two paid weeks off. What? You might as well just kick me off the force! Which is what everybody's literally begging you to do! My hands, McCluskey! They're tied! You're lucky I don't send you on vacation!
You don't got the balls! Oh, I don't got the balls, do I?
This economy always needs tourists, pal! Two weeks! All expenses paid! French Riviera, you're going! First class, go to hell! I blew off 90 nuns on their way to soccer practice, McCluskey!
So I gotta knock some sense into that pretty little skull of yours with priority boarding. Listen to me. When I joined the force, I thought I was joined in a fraternity, a brotherhood! Oh, did you? Oh, okay. Well, hold on. Wait, wait, wait. I'm looking at my hands, McCluskey.
What's this? What is that? Tie. That's right. What the hell? So what's that?
Oh, look at that, McCluskey! My hands are tied! You can't suspend myself! Because I quit! Well, you can't quit! Why not? Because you're a fire!
For killing 90 nuns!
With pension! You're just gonna skip right over severance. That's right. I'm sending you. No, no, you wouldn't! Into early retirement. Ah, Chief!
I'm a millennial! I was born new and I was never gonna retire!
I know to the casual observer it may seem that my hands are free and unbound. Yeah, they're completely free.
Well, you're as dumb as you fucking look, McCluskey, because they're extremely tired. You understand?
The life and death decisions of holding a badge are no longer yours to make. Your life is about peing your coladas and shacking up with beach honeys. Fine. I don't even need my badge.
I'll go vigilante. Oh, will you now? You'll have a hard time going vigilante when you're under house arrest.
Soho house arrest. The Soho house? The department's putting you up for two weeks at the Soho house.
Fine! I give up! Oh! I'm so sorry, Chief. Ah, God, McCluskey. Don't you dare apologize to me. You're a good cop. I never always thought of you like a son. But, God damn it, McCluskey, you gotta go to the Riviera. Alright! Oh, no! No, no, no, Chief! Somebody get out of here!
Can I get some elbow hair?! You know, as of today, I've been shot in this office eight times. I know how to do the same thing. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_china_s_population_decline_andy_murray_denied_bathroom_break_snl | It was reported that last year, the population of China declined by 850,000 people, thanks to an increase in China's leading cause of death protesting. China plans to reverse the population decline with an emergency import of Nick Cannon. good news, that's a happy ending, Colin. happy ending to that joke. due to a computer error, a school in Massachusetts has been unable to turn off its lights for over a year and a half. these students are doing fine, but the classroom hamster has gone insane. The U.s. Department of the Interior has changed the name of Squaw Valley, California because it is considered a derogatory term for Native American women. Okay, I don't understand how that name gets changed, and yet no one cares, there's an entire town in New York that mocks my people. a San Francisco panel studying reparations is proposing giving every black resident a one-time payment of $5 million. Well, that's a fantastic idea, said the Gucci store. Kevin Spacey made his first public speaking appearance in five years, where he thanked Italy's National Cinema Museum for having the balls to invite him. he also asked, could I touch the balls? I'm kidding, he didn't ask permission. a Catholic nun in France, who was believed to be the oldest person in the world, has died at the age of 118. her cause of death was listed as answered prayer. tennis star Andy Murray was upset after an umpire at the Australian Open refused to let him take a bathroom break during a five-set long match. worse, it was Deuce. |
dropout | everyone_s_favorite_new_cast_member | Okay guys, very exciting pitch meeting today. We have our two new cast members. Hey, what's up?
I'm Allie. And I'm Raphael. Haha, yeah.
Do you already have like your own catch phrase or? The way this normally works for the new people is we'll just kind of go around and... It was only the first day and already I could tell they were going to love my pitch about Trump. Oh, you got a Trump pitch?
Man, I do not like that guy. What's going on? Is he already like the main character or something? Or why is this all like a sitcom?
But no, no, no, you two are starting at the same time, so no one's playing favorites here. Yeah, Allie, don't worry about it.
Look, we're going to work great together. I can already tell I'm really going to like you. Haha, yeah. Okay, now that that's settled, pitches.
How about we do a video where me and Grant accidentally break Katie's favorite bass? Like that time when we accidentally broke Katie's favorite bass. Oh, my cocaine! We found out why that was her favorite bass, huh?
Hey, that's pretty funny. It reminds me of a sketch I wanted to pitch. One time I asked two girls out on the same night, hey, thank you. I'm the one talking. So I asked out these two girls at the same time and they both show up to the same restaurant.
So the craziest thing happened at the end of the night. I got the bill and it was super expensive. Neither of them liked me. This is almost as awkward as that time when Allie couldn't get a flashback. So the craziest thing happened at the end of the night.
Is everybody settling in? Raffin. Everybody settling in?
Are you kidding me? What? You hired me, Sam. None of you remember me? I was in the Home Loan sketch. The what?
I was the pizza delivery girl. The pizza what?
I was definitely in that video. Were you? No, I don't think so. I remember it like this. You got the stuff. Uh, yes, sir. One large cheese pizza. Yeah. The commenters loved you and they don't love anyone. I have a pitch.
I think that I should be a yoga instructor. My students, they're very, very sexy people and we'd have sex. You're a yoga instructor teaching an orgy?
What is that? That's not even me. When did you film this? You're wearing the same clothes. Allie, look, I'm just trying to do a good job like everyone else.
What the fuck is going on? Time out. Now at this point, if I don't diffuse the situation quick, Allie's gonna blow a gasket and probably pound me. Time in. What the fuck is going on? How did you do that to my body? It was a freeze frame time out.
Play me out, boys. Two, three, four.
She's crazy.
Go, go, go, go. Get out of here.
No.
Run.
No.
Uh-huh. I'd have did the same thing. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_angry_birds | To me, Angry Birds is the best game of 2010 because it hooked so many people who would have never otherwise played video games. The kind of person who like just a few months ago would have killed time by like reading a book. Angry Birds is a game where birds forget how birds work and decide to attack pigs using an insanely big catapult. And Angry Birds isn't a game you get for Xbox.
It's something you download on your phone or your iPod. You have to understand physics and you have to understand the way your fingers move very, very well. I can sort of explain the game, but I can't explain why it's fun. I will argue that it's not fun, that it's purely addictive. It's like huffing glue. It's not fun. But when you do it, you want to do it again and you're like, there's something felt good about that. And then you watch your life crumble around you.
I'll find myself absent-mindedly tracing my finger on the table as if it were, you know, save my iPod touch. I have actually missed announcements on the train or almost missed announcements on the train because I'm playing the game. This is kind of embarrassing, but I downloaded a separate app made by another pathetic company that shows you where all the golden eggs are. Well, I went to Mexico with my boyfriend. We were there for two and a half weeks and I devoted most of my time to playing Angry Birds. Lately I've been doing this weird thing where I get, this is like a nightmare, this is what's wrong with the world, I'm a reason. I get really stoned and lay on my couch with the TV playing, my computer open to something and then Angry Birds on my phone all by myself and my dog just looking at me like, what the fuck are you doing, man?
What makes Angry Birds so addictive is that anything could happen every time you launch a bird. You can be stuck on the same level for hours, literally for hours, and then just one lucky throw brings everything down and you feel like you've actually accomplished something. It requires such a little time commitment, like, I've got 45 seconds I can try to beat this level and if you have 45 seconds you can try that level five times. The number one word I hear people use when they describe Angry Birds is addictive and I think that's very interesting because they're really popular on the Call of Duty, it's almost the opposite of addictive, you have to play it for like a month before you even remotely good enough at it to actually start having fun. A lot of Angry Birds is precision based, you have to be still, so like playing on the subway or the bus, like your fingers kind of moving around, the train curves and you blow a shot, the toilet, totally steady, just like this and I can play, it like doubles my toilet time and already, base toilet time for me, hour and a half. As far as going to the John, Angry Birds is a new magazine.
I don't know that I can remember a bowel movement where I wasn't playing Angry Birds. Not only have I played Angry Birds on the toilet, I've played Angry Birds at a urinal. It has gotten to the point where I think of the poop as being in a catapult inside my body and I'm launching it out of my butt at the pigs that are in the toilet. The worst part is like I go to the gym in the morning and I always have, because of my schedule, because I go so early, I have to take a shit like in the middle of my workout and it's so transparent that I go into the locker room, get my iPhone out of my bag and then walk into the can at the gym, play on the shitter, you gotta wash my hands, come out, walk back to my bag, put my phone away and then go over there and like chalk my hands up in continual lifting ways. I'm not a bathroom Angry Birds player. And I'm playing Angry Birds in the bathroom. Anyone that says they don't play Angry Birds in the bathroom is a dirty liar and they can't be trusted. Donkey Kong Country Returns is a fun game, but it's not part of my bathroom habits.
That's intimate. If you want to call Angry Birds a video game, you're one step away from calling Mancala a video game. It's like, it's hardly a game. Anyone can play it, but maybe that's what makes it the video game of the year, is that like my mom can play it and my brother can play it and my brother has. I don't know why my brother playing it, he's 21, most key, he can play most games. I think if you're like really into Call of Duty and you call things that are not as complex as Call of Duty not video games, you're automatically saying that the entire history of video games is moot. These are like things like, you know, Galaga and Centipede are the same level of complexity as Angry Birds.
My favorite console game of the year was probably like Red Dead Redemption or something, which I spent $60 on. I love the game, I played probably about 20 hours. Angry Birds, I spent $1 on, I probably logged somewhere, I wouldn't even know how to estimate, probably 75, 80 hours on it. So just purely on a value level, Angry Birds was 2,000 times better than Red Dead Redemption. I just felt like it was something that I had to achieve, which is very sad. When I finally beat Angry Birds, I felt like relief. Like I could stop doing something. It's definitely the game of 2010, though I'm still not sure if it's any fun.
What color bird would you say the poop is? Uh, you know, on days where I haven't gotten enough fiber, it's the three little birds that break into little birds.
Otherwise, it's a big red one. Otherwise, it's a big red one, yeah. Uh, is that... You know what would be terrible is if it was the boomerang one. |
cracked | proof_game_of_thrones_is_just_messing_with_us_now_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey everyone, welcome to this week's episode of winner is taking forever. It's our weekly game of thrones recap show and Boy, howdy is winter taking forever.
So yeah, this week's episode starts off with Aria who's been stabbed in the gut But it's strangely not like super injured. She's like, uh, oh Bummer, it's like a sunburn. So Aria stumbles her way in there Yes And lady crane takes her back home to like nurse her back into health and give her some some liquid heroine and she's fine The most incredible scene we have four bandits There's like the two young guys and two old bandits and the two young guys like man I'm never gonna get to kiss a girl The old guys like well now you're in luck cuz I'm gonna teach you how to kiss a girl and they're like earnestly doing this You got to put your hand right here And then your other hand here and you gotta look them in the eyes and then he's like but I'm gonna put my finger in Your butthole.
Oh, it's a joke now. It's weird.
They're all just delighted by it It was just the guy was like bummed like the young guy was bummed because he legit thought he was gonna learn how to like kiss He feels cheated because he didn't get that life experience Well, he got a different one than what he was anticipating, but then the hound shows up in the most amazing sequence Yeah, cuz he comes cruising in the background like the shark from Jaws. You can't really see him Maybe they're like, well, maybe he's got an axe Maybe he's gonna like chop some wood and add it to our camp But no and then later in the episode the hound finds the Brotherhood without banners and they're like, well, no You can't murder these guys. We're gonna murder them and he's like, well, let me murder some of them and they're like, okay We'll let you murder two of them. He's like fine. Like the hound is twice his dude size No way his boots are gonna fit the hound has shack feet Like there's no universe where he just puts on other people's shoes at all There is only a universe where he like has somebody like Kyburn custom build a shoe in like a weird laboratory So this week and seeing the hounds dick Yep Yeah, there was so also in this episode trial by combat gets outlawed leading up to that when trial by comic gets banned it's when the faith militant led by Lance it goes into the Red Keep to Take Cersei to the Sept and she's like, nope zombie get in here So the mountain comes up and then one of the goofballs who apparently doesn't watch the show comes up and tries to hit the mountain So the mountain of course rips his head off, which is like this like the third or fourth time.
Yeah Yeah, just like he's open in a jar and in his mountains defense that guy starts it So we get a weird kind of goofball scene between Podrick and Braun this episode is just purely Defines Braun as the wacky neighbor. Yeah, Braun is Kramer and it's great every day. He Cramer's his way on screen He just comes in. Oh, I'm choking you Podrick wasn't that fun? Braun was like trying to ship Jamie and Brianne He's like, yeah, don't you think they should get together and pods like mom know about that Ron's like, yeah, they should totally get together.
Anyways, I'm gonna teach you how to be a killer After that we have the scene between brand and Jamie in the tent, which is the first time Those two characters have seen each other. I think in two seasons. It's been a minute He lets Brianne go in there to try to negotiate with the blackfish blackfish doesn't agree because he's a stubborn old fart So he gets Edward to go in. Yeah, it's another it's another thing where we've been setting up a siege for four episodes And then and then he could have just walked in it turns out Yeah, like it's very it's very Monty Python like oh we could have just built a wooden rabbit Brianne and pod getaway like in the Jamie see some like and they had they wave at each other My favorite getaway vehicle ever is a very slow robot incredibly slow Just slowly trickling away from the castle.
She's not even rowing.
We now return with the segment We've had every week I think this week in time wasting pyramid in the fine city of marine that no one cares about We've had Tyrian and the slaves hanging out and they're like, oh, what do we do? And then a fleet of wooden ships shows up and then a dragon drops Daenerys off and then the dragon leaves Yeah, just pieces out. He's like, well, I was gonna drop you off the door I'm gonna go find a space and also it's one of those It's like the end of force awakens like Daenerys walks in and because this is a dramatic show We have to have 17 shots of everyone staring at each other Yeah to emphasize that like something dramatic just happened not a single.
Oh my god. Where have you been like? We have so much to catch you up on by the way all of these ships outside Could you maybe blow your dragon whistle and get that guy back here? Also every time I'm in marine, I feel like all of them are waiting for the cable guy to come It's like oh the window is 8 to 6 and I'll be there and it's like well I guess I'll just like what are we gonna do till then have some beers or something? Yeah, right.
It sucks Well, I can't leave so we get back to Arya who's convalescing. Just remarkable Wolverine is she's recovering at that rate the wave of course comes for her and rather than assassinate Lady Crane Candidly and then you know take her face Like I thought is what they did or like maybe maybe if you're a stealthy assassin like hide the body or something Yeah, I don't need to see a gruesome disemboweling every week, right? She noisily Murders Lady Crane on a stool Specifically to wake Arya up so that she can then t-1000 chase her through the streets like she's just falling through all of the fruit And whatever city it is it's in the city of Bravo's the city of the giant stone Grundle that you have to sail beneath It's like sculpt everything under there like if you were cruising into port and Bravo's and looked up and just be like oh So yeah, she finally corners Arya where she is able to Retake needle and then she cuts the candle and plunges him into darkness Which is apparently where she has an advantage even though yes, we would assume one of two things one Arya was still losing when she was blind and in two we would assume that the wave had the same training Wouldn't we assume that she had the same blood?
We don't know. It's not an accredited. It's the Trump University of becoming a sass Yeah, I have a feeling Jack and Hagar really doesn't know. I don't think he got his degree Education like I don't think he really knows how to run a business My man sees a blood trail, but Arya masterfully skins the waves face She gets the eyelids and everything and just like plastic. How do we know?
That's where he wanted to put it like maybe he has it alphabetized So yeah, so Arya comes to come I'm already start a winter fill and Jack is like, okay Fine, a man thinks it's fun My man's gonna have to find some new employees because very alone and they he lost both of them in one morning So it's time to predict what will happen on next week's episode That we know is the second last episode of the season so it's gonna have an amazing battle I think Daenerys is gonna defeat the wooden ships attacking waste of time pyramid city and then she's gonna have a moment like it's time To leave waste of time pyramid city and then for five more episodes. We'll talk about how to leave Yes, it's gonna take it. Yeah, I think we're gonna see With that battle the bastard bull Jon Snow versus Ramsey bastard. Oh, I think we're gonna see the Starks kind of starting to lose And then it's gonna be one army or two armies. It's gonna come in just a nick of time to help them It's either gonna a little finger could show up or it could be either the Tully's led by Edmure or Jamie's army Yeah, the literal cavalry. I'm not sure Rams is gonna get taken out yet. He might lose But maybe he'll like do the bad guy thing. I'll be like ha ha I'm like helicopter away to like no Robo get away Hey everyone, thanks for watching this video Please go down below and like and subscribe and in the comments let us know what she'd like us to start recapping once Game of Thrones is over because we Gotta do something with this time.
Your options are meet the press or face the nation. They're both Sunday News shows tough choice.
So look don't be like.
Oh, yeah, she finally corners Arya where she is able to Retake needle and then she cuts the candle and plunges him into darkness Which is apparently where she has an advantage even though. Yes, we would assume one of two things one Aria was still losing when she was blind and in two we would assume that the way if had the same training Wouldn't we assume that she had the same blood?
No, no, it's not an accredited. No, it's the Trump University of becoming a sass Yeah, I have a feeling Jack and Hagar really doesn't know I don't think he got his degree education Like I don't think he really knows how to run a business My man sees a blood trail, but Aria masterfully skins the waves face She gets the eyelids and everything and just like plastic.
How do we know that's where he wanted to put it? Like maybe he has it alphabetized.
So yeah, so Aria comes to come. I'm Mario start a winter film Jackie's like, okay fine I meant thinks it's fun My man's gonna have to find some new employees because very alone and they he lost both of them in one morning So it's time to predict what happened on next week's episode that we know is the second last episode of the season So it's gonna have an amazing battle I think Daenerys is gonna defeat the wooden ships attacking waste of time pyramid city and then she's gonna have a moment like it's time To leave waste of time pyramid city and then for five more episodes. We'll talk about how to leave Yeah, I think we're gonna see With that battle the bastard bull Jon Snow versus Ramsey bastard Oh, I think we're gonna see the Starks kind of starting to lose and then it's gonna be one army or two armies It's gonna come in just a nick of time to help them It's either gonna add little little finger could show up or it could be either the Tully's led by Edmure or Jamie's army Yeah, the literal cavalry. I'm not sure Rams is gonna get taken out yet. He might lose But maybe he'll like do the bad guy thing. We'll be like ha ha I'm like helicopter away to like no Robo get away Hey everyone, thanks for watching this video Please go down below and like and subscribe and in the comments Let us know what show you'd like us to start recapping once Game of Thrones is over because we got to do something with this Time your options are meet the press or face the nation. Mm-hmm. They're both Sunday News shows tough choice |
dropout | skyline_fitness_stretching | You know, big guys are known for a lot of things, protecting women, winning at sports and a ton of other stuff. But being flexible isn't one of those things. You know, many... You're sitting down, man. You guys got it. You have to stand up. Don't yawn, either. You know, big guys are known for a lot of things, protecting women, winning at sports and a ton of others. One thing we're not known for, though, is being flexible. However, some studies show that being flexible is actually good for you. I'm here to teach you big guys how to bend low, up to those toes. This is Skyline Fitness.
Let me get your first thing in. Yeah. Um, so with this episode, I can't really do a lot of this flexible stuff. So I'm wondering if we can put the camera certain ways. Like, do... I know you... I want to lie that you're in shape. No, it's not lying. It's just showing me certain things. You want to make it look like you can do things that there's no way you can do. I think just put the camera in some way. So for the video. Now, as strange as it may seem, we're going to borrow a page from the yoga book to work on our stretching. Now, I know what you're saying.
I'm not some housewife with tons of time on her hands, sitting around in spandex, touching my toes. Great. Neither am I. That's why we're only going to focus on a few stretches.
The first is called Downward Facing Dog. No. Joe. Downward Dog.
Yeah, that's what it's called, man. Just every time you laugh, we have to redo the whole thing. All right?
The first is called Downward Facing Dog. Now, to get into Downward Facing Dog, plan both your hands in front of you.
Dude. Joe. Not that funny, man. Just get it. Now, I'm getting fucking crazy sunburned. Now, to get into Downward Facing Dog, you want to place your hands about shoulder width apart, put your legs out behind you, and raise that butt right up in the air, just like Jon's going to do right now. Now, see how... Oh, my God. Dude.
Is that you? It might be. Maybe.
How do you not know? I don't know. Because I'm wide open. I feel.
Now, the hamstring is the most often pulled muscle by athletes on TV, so naturally, we want to keep ours loose and limber. To do that, you want to find yourself a buddy and lie on your back, just like this. Have your buddy take your leg, and what I'm going to do here is I'm going to pick it up and push it towards his chest while keeping it straight, okay?
Notice... Oh! What?
Dude, you can't... You cannot scream like this. You can't scream like that.
All right? So just, like, bite your lip and bear through it. I won't go up all the way. All right? All right.
What I'm going to do is I'm going to take his leg, and I'm going to lift it up towards his chest. Notice how I'm keeping it straight. You'll see...
We've got to talk. Come here. We've got to talk, man.
You know, I don't... I don't see the problem is I don't wear underwear all the time. Okay.
Well, it's not like I don't care what you do on your time, but if any of that slips out and it's on the video, we can't use that. We have to reshoot that. Not to mention, I don't want to look at it. I wouldn't be grossed out if I saw yours, man, so...
That is a totally weird thing to say, dude. Yeah, weird. We both have the same thing.
Notice how his leg is fully extended. It's parallel to the ground, and that hamstring is just really, really tight. You can see that right there. There's no way this guy's going to get hurt. That's all for this episode, and remember, a good stretch is all that stands in between you and the you you want other people to see you as.
You said you wouldn't hurt me. You smashed my heel down, you think?
Oh, man. Again? No, it's the same one. I think it lingers. Oh.
New catchphrase. You like? That was a catchphrase? Yeah, the you, you want other you, you, whatever. That's not a good catchphrase.
Well, give me an example of a good one, because it's the second one I went through. Where's the beef? Taken, man. That one's taken. I'm not suggesting... That's a movie. You want me to get one of those? It's a movie.
We're all out. You drank all the soda? Yeah, man.
It's soda. Yeah, I know it's soda. I know it's soda.
fuckhole. |
dropout | all_nighter_rap_intro | Now, yo, deaf, jiff, what's a fucking deaf? College humor is coke, you're addicted with one sniff Or a spliff or a toke, it's smooth like vapor Now Murph, rip the mic like it's perforated paper What? Yo, what up, what up, what up? This is embarrassing Oh, shit! Jake and Amir, Jake and Amir Does someone say yes and raise the stakes up in here? Now this is the episode you don't wanna miss Cuz like Sam and Diane, they're finally gonna kiss They're finally gonna kiss Look, I always dreamed it These guys, you're putting us on the spot Making a lot of promises that we can't plus Adam and Josh, like Wallace and Gromit I can't tell you two we're gonna make yourselves vomit What's up, Emily? What's up, Anu? You funny-ass ladies from the college humor crew I know, I've never done that before So maybe I'm crazy or off my meds You swore, you swore, you'd shave each other's heads What? We have to, Anu Kevin's gonna eat a funky tea some cheese Okay Yeah, and Street is gonna pull out all his teeth with these Oh, shit, really? Yeah, and this is Pat and Dan and they're both very nice But they're gonna kill each other, we demand sacrifice But we're friends Not anymore Now, now, now for the graphic finale And you can't be mad Owen is gonna call his longest-range dad Hello, father I've got something I've been meaning to say to you What letters? I never got any... Mom hid them I miss you too, dad Oh, shit, emotional catharsis Please come home Oh, shit, emotional catharsis Oh, shit, emotional catharsis Oh, shit, emotional catharsis I'm sorry, Dan Get that cheese, get out of here Hey, everybody, if you liked that video Just click right on me to subscribe Clicky, clicky, clicky, clicky Not clicking It's not clicking Sorry No, I got it Just don't do it Don't click me Don't click me anymore, please |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_32_dr_karl_kruzelnicki | My name is Errol Parker. Hello, hello.
Thanks for tuning in on Clancy Overall. And joining Errol and myself in the studio today will be a man with an incredible brain, a beautiful mind. Yeah, he's a veritable fountain of knowledge there, Clancy, a household name around the country who's been spreading science for decades. Dr. Carl is his name. Yes, you might know him from his weekly appearances on Triple J to field scientific questions from all sides, or his regular TV appearances, or from one of his many, I think he's released 40 books over the years. Yeah, he's a well-learned, well-read, well-written man. He's a wealth of information and he's going to go a bit off the cuff today and talk a little bit out of school, which is probably what you won't get from him in his other channels.
He's a bit of a character and he's about to walk into the booth here at Koala Mattress Studios. But before we let him through the glass door, for those of you who are on the hunt for a new mattress, Koala do have a special promo code this week, which is in all capitals, Dr. Carl's Koala. So that is D-R-K-A-R-L-S-K-O-A-L-A, Dr. Carl's Koala. That code will get you $200 redos off your next mattress or sofa. You must remember that Koala do do sofas now.
But enough about our corporate sponsors and let's get to the show. Well, thank you for joining us. We are glad that you know of us. Oh, do I know you? Ever since you did your fabulous work with Malcolm Roberts, Mr. 76, who got into parliament on 76 votes plus his own 77, I've followed you deeply. Thank you.
Well, he didn't last very long. That seems to be the way it goes. He got replaced by somebody who got in there on 19 votes. And then left the party immediately afterwards. But he's still in the Senate. So I actually meant for the Senate.
Did you? You didn't vote for me, did you? No, no, no. How are you expecting me to have loyalty to you, Dr. Clancy and Dr. Errol, if you didn't vote for me? I follow you.
I read the platoon. Well, we're in the marinara electorate. Oh, this is for the Senate, man. Unless you were running on the Queensland ticket. In New South Wales. We couldn't vote for you. Okay, then it's your way out. We were given all the crazies, we were given Lazarus, we were given all these maniacs that... Anning is a new one. Anson. I've seen votes.
Well, the thing is that I ran for politics on the simple ground of following the motto of Mao Zedong and then taking it one step further. And Mao Zedong said that political power grows out of the barrel of a gun, which it does in many parts of the world. But in Australia, and most of the English speaking Western type countries, it grows out of the parliament.
And that's where you've got the power, to pass a law. And I had influence and I wanted to have power. And unfortunately out of the 782,000 votes I needed to get into the Federal Senate in New South Wales in 2007, I got 44,000, which apparently is a record, but not quite enough to get me in. And so I got a great education and I now see that that's the way you should go if you want to change things. Either yell at the TV or, which is going to be very frustrating, or get into politics or support somebody who will get into politics and do what you want. Yeah, yeah. Did you run yourself or under a ticket? I was in the Climate Change Coalition. And 44,000 votes under the line, for those who are not familiar, when you vote in the Senate on a federal level, you get a huge sheet of paper, literally a metre or two wide.
And either you can go above the line, there's a big line going across, and you go above the line and there's a box and you put in number one and you walk away from it. So you're saying whatever party XYZ does, I'll go with them. Or you have weighed up all 100 or 200 people going for it. And you said, yeah, that person is number one, that's number two. And you have to number every single box and not copy the numbers and not miss out one, because either way, that's an invalid vote and you have to do it again.
And 42,000, 44,000 people did that to vote for me. Thank you very much people who voted for me. That's nice. Geez, that's a lot of people.
And this was pretty much pre-social media. You could have another crack at that nowadays. That was in 2007. We had some social media, but you really, you need $5 million to pay for the advertising on TV.
Really? So you need to align yourself with a populist kind of knee-jerk type fringe party with a bit of money coming from unknown sources. Not necessarily. What you want is the money. Yeah. No hard feelings. Just be like the mafia. Just give me the money. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't want to vote for you. I don't want to be like you.
Just give me the money. It seems to work in New South Wales. And I feel ashamed. I feel sorry for you guys in Queensland, because while Queensland might come close every now and then, what electorate are you in?
Maranoa.
So while Queensland might come close, still consistently, New South Wales is, in Australia, out of all the states, the most consistently corrupt and incompetent government. You might come close, but there have been times you've done well, but really, we win the cake. Yeah, definitely. And that's probably why the fringe and minor parties thrive in Tasmania and South Australia and Queensland, because all the headquarters are based in Victoria, New South Wales, and as you said, quite often corrupt as well.
Well, I'll weep. Okay, go on. Let's just change the subject to something more elevating. We'll introduce you. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right. Now, if you don't mind, I think I've got your full name sorted. Yeah? Can you pronounce it, though? Yeah. Okay, go for it.
Yeah, 40-something books, yep. 40-something books.
Where did you, where do you think it was? At what point in your career do you think it was when you became a household name? Well, I think the bottom line is that you need only a few decades to become an overnight success. Yeah, right.
So I was lucky enough to get some very good advice in the early days, which was stick to the facts, ignore opinions, and the facts are quite amazing. So I just kept on doing that for generating four stories every week, and then you do that for a couple of months and you do that for a couple of years and you do that for a couple of decades, and gradually over that time you build up this body of knowledge in your brain, and you've got to turn it into stories, because if you don't turn it into stories, you've just got all this mishmash running around, like Mount Everest is, is it 28,000 feet or 82,000 feet, whereas if you turn it into a story, you're forced to go through that intellectual rigour, and then there's another thing that happens with the story. You see, we humans have been wired up by evolution to love stories as a way of bonding the group together. Our claws, fingernails, are useless, our teeth, well, they couldn't rip your neck out, our skin wouldn't survive up against a barbed wire fence like a cow can, and we can't, we've got nothing going for us except our brain, and then the brain needs to be able to bring a bunch of weak, fleshy humans into a group, and the story is the medium. So if I were, on one hand, example A, if I give you a thousand words in alphabetical order and say, give them back to me, Dr Clancy, Dr Errol, you've got nothing, you've run out after about 30 words. But if those words happen to be part of a story, where Kim Kardashian goes along with Kanye, or YE, as his new name is, and then they have a nude mud bath with Kavanaugh, and then along comes Donald Trump, and then Aung San Suu Kyi from Burma, suddenly you can tell me that whole story, and then via that story, which you sort of memorize as a single blob of knowledge, the thousand words come out. And so, I've been very lucky that we've been, thanks to evolution, wired up that way, and so I can answer questions thanks to having generated thousands of stories over the years, which are the answers to various questions that people ask. That was a long answer, wasn't it? You know, it was a succinct one as well. And didn't even give you the right answer, which is I didn't, you were on a date. Somewhere in those 20 years of telling stories, 30 years of telling stories, you became a household name.
Yeah, somewhere in the last third of a century, yeah. Triple J, do you reckon? Double J. Double J. I mean, I was even there when it was just a single J before they invented radio, where there was just some person with a loud voice shouting in the backyard. Yeah, right. Okay, that was a lie. But I was there on double J. Okay. And you've been working alongside them? Yeah, I've been there pretty well all of the time, except when I've taken off on test driving vehicles around Australia and spending time in the outback, I've been pretty well there all the time, since 1980-something. Yeah, right.
Can you tell us a little bit about growing up a young kid, migrant family in Wollongong. In Wollongong.
Well, basically I was the oppressed group, the Wogs. There's always oppressed groups in societies, unfortunately, unless you get fairly enlightened. And we were the latest immigrants and there seems to be a weird phenomenon where one bunch of immigrants try to pull up the gangplank behind them and Pull the ladder up.
Yeah. Well, in Marrickville I saw a sign which said, Muslims out. It was written in Vietnamese. So the Vietnamese were the last refugees and so once the Muslims get accepted there'll be Catholics out or Protestants out or whatever country out, Americans out. How long ago was that?
So I was there in the 60s and 50s and so I was this little kid from Europe and therefore potential communist and openly called a Wog and discriminated against by the lovely little religious Catholic kids at the primary school. And so I was in the outer group. But there were a lot of European kids in Wollongong, right? There were a lot of Italians and Maltese.
Yeah, especially because of the proximity to the steelworks. And so that was a place where relatively unskilled labour and skilled labour could find a place to work. The steelworks is huge. From one end to the other, by the shortest route, eight kilometres. It's a big block of property.
And so there's all sorts of places for people to work and so at school I end up I remember there were some big floods. There was a very heavy bout of rain and nobody had cars in those days. But somebody had an Holden FJ and that was just sort of like the luxury car, and they worked out that because it was raining so heavily they'd pick up all the kids on the street and then drive them to school and drive them back. Everybody walked to school in those days except they'd drive past me because everybody else was Irish Catholic and I was Wog Catholic. And even though I was Catholic-y, I was still too Woggy so they would just wave out the windows. They went past me and that was for about two months of rain.
And I said to my parents, why don't they pick me up? And my father said, to give you a chance to exercise.
So they're looking after you, a bit of PE. Yeah, well even animals exercise. Yeah. So they've done this experiment where you get, this is in my 42nd maybe? Maybe if I was 39th book or 38th. You get a running wheel, like you get little animals to run their exercise wheel and you put it up not in a laboratory but in a backyard that opens onto a forest and you set up an infrared camera. Out of the dark in the night, various groups of animals will come out, run on the spinning wheel for about an hour or so and then go away. They don't get any food. They're just doing it in a comeback night after night to do it. Right. Is that weird? Just chase those endorphins. Well, it's a bit of a change though from, you know, if you're a mouse in the forest and then you just sort of come across this new thing. Like if I was a mouse, I'd be hopping on it. To find out what it was. But then to run for an hour. Because you see, the thing is that you're not guaranteed a food supply. Yeah. So you have to chase your food. And it could be that on one hand by exercising you're making yourself a better hunter but on the other hand you're burning up food and there's not an infinite amount of food available as there is for us humans. Yeah. So it's a bit of a juggling game, bit of a balancing act that they have to play but they choose to go on the running wheel and get fitter. What was the question again?
Still works. Yeah, still works.
You found some work down there. Yeah, so my very first job was going up and down in a rowing boat. Yeah. Which was made of aluminium.
And measuring the pH, which is the acidity or alkalinity of the river. Now the little river varied between bright green and bright orange. It never got clear, never got transparent. And the pH varied between about 3 and 12.
You didn't put your hand in it.
And it ate the aluminium boat. Every couple of months we'd have to get another aluminium boat because the water would eat the boat.
I remember one day I was working there as a physicist while I was testing steel for the West Gate Bridge and the word came around of go out to your car, which is parked inside the steelworks, and brush off that white powder. Okay, so everybody goes out there and brushes off the white powder and then over the next few days there were all these reports in the newspapers of the housewives in Port Kembla saying this white powder fell out of the sky and started eating their clothes on the line and the steelworks said, no, no, we don't know anything about it.
Really? Did that happen? Really? Yeah.
You got the heads up at work anyway. Well they warned us because it would eat through the car paint.
Yeah, right. So did they ever get to the bottom of what that white stuff was? It didn't exist, never happened. Oh, right. Nothing happened, nothing to see here, just go along.
Yeah, no Royal Commissions into that particular shower of acid? Well, there would have been some chemists who would have measured it. Now tell me if I'm right about this on Royal Commissions, right? So the unions recently, about a year ago, had a Royal Commission into them.
Two cases of criminal behaviour were found and then there were televised raids by the federal police on their headquarters to get their documents. Yeah. Recently, a Royal Commission, half the length of time, found a third of a million cases of criminal wrongdoing by the banks. When are we going to get the televised police raids on the banks?
Where do you start? That's the real question, I think. Yeah.
Well, I think, you know, because they're the backbone of the economy really, I think they should be impervious to some crimes, but not all crimes. Like jaywalking, jaywalking. If they're jaywalking, the full brunt of the law will come down on them. But robbing dead people and living people, that's different.
I think that it's totally necessary for a bank to break the law in order to keep the profits up, because a strong bank means a very strong economy. What about dirt in the ground that we can sell overseas? Isn't that the basis of the strong economy? But it has to go through the banks, right? Oh, I can see, Sensei, that I must worship and follow your wisdom in the future.
No dawn raids on the banks yet. Also no raids on the private schools as well that came out in that other Royal Commission as well.
It's weird. Australia is the only country in the world. Okay, a bit of a backup.
Australia has the highest percentage of private school attendance, being about 30 or so percent, whereas most other countries are 10 percent. Secondly, we're the only country in the whole world where government schools, where the federal government gives more money to private schools, which are companies, than it does to government schools.
And you mention this to Americans, and they say, nah, couldn't possibly be that way. It's funny, I remember on one occasion, let's just put it down on the line here, it's not the kids' fault, it's not the students' fault that their parents are wealthy. It's not their fault. They're just being carried along like a little paddle-pop stick in the gutter of life on a rainy day. They've got no control over where they get sent, right?
But I do remember on one hand going out to a private school which had 17, not cricket pitches, but cricket fields, and an underground rifle range, and an Olympic swimming pool. And they got $3 million one year to put in a gate, because you've got to have a good gate and a driveway to impress the parents. In case you get raids after the Royal Commission. Ah, but then I went to a government school not too far away, and they had received from the federal government $5,000, and out of that $5,000 they had to pay for an accountant to make sure they spent it wisely, and it didn't cover the cost of repairing a broken window, so they just put some plastic across it with some sticky tape.
So why do you think that is? Don't know. Why?
That is the part that's hard to find out. What is is easier to find out. If you just stick to the numbers you can see what it is, but the motivation, that's so hard.
Well, private school parents are voters, and they feel like they're paying for not only just their kids' fees, but poor kids' fees. I think that's their argument. That was really good. You know how they did that postcode thing? So what they do is they say at the private schools, and it's not their fault, the students' fault, what they say is, look, we've got students, we've got disadvantaged students, and under the rules set down by the federal government they do have disadvantaged students. This is how the rule works. Suppose you come from a postcode that has a low income. Now, your parents might run the local Toyota dealership, and out in the country area you need your four-wheel drives, whatever. They're all good. And so, therefore, your parents are fabulously wealthy. So even though your parents are fabulously wealthy, because you come from an area, we'll say Bororina, which has got a very low income, you're officially counted under the rule as a poor and disadvantaged student.
Isn't that neat? When I saw that, that was brilliant thinking. That was brilliant planning.
I'm sure Gina Rinehart grew up in an area which was considered disadvantaged as well. It's just rich people can live, there can be one rich family, I guess, in any town. Well, when the Business Review Weekly had its nice little wealthy list on the top 200, roughly one-third of them had an income so low that they qualified for housing benefits.
Really? Well, paying tax is an option that many wealthy people choose not to exercise. That option does exist, and they choose not to exercise that option to pay tax. Well, yeah, it was like what old Kerry Packer said. He said, any Australian who doesn't try to minimize their tax ought to get their head read. I like paying tax so that some primary school student in Western Australia does better. I like paying tax so that a road gets built, a hospital gets... Paying tax is the mark of a civilized society.
So you're saying that you're a communist? Yes. I never enrolled officially.
There's two communist countries left. That'd be Vietnam and China.
Is there a third one? I think they're it, aren't they? Balmain? Oh, yeah, well, he's got a hive off anyway. Albania? Albania might be. Maybe. Maybe?
Okay. But you got called that enough as a kid. Yeah, I got called a commo. Now, where did you first get your stripes where you could say, I am educated in this field? You're testing the steel for the Westgate Bridge that was coming out of Wollongong. Right. So what did you need to walk into there with and say? You just said, I've invented a machine. I was employed as a, okay, just a bit of backup here. I come from a time when the Australian government saw education as a worthwhile investment in the future. Yeah.
And as a result, I've had 26 years of education paid for by the taxpayer, starting off in baby jail, working through kindergarten, primary school, high school, university, 16 years of university education for free, with degrees in physics and mathematics and in engineering when I designed and built a machine for Fred Hollows to pick up electrical signals off the human retina and degrees in medicine and surgery. And I've worked professionally in all those fields, including as a doctor in the kids' hospital. And then several non-degree years of study just to round me off, because I felt that I was not properly educated. So I did years in computer science, not for degrees, computer science, astrophysics, electrical engineering and philosophy.
And so with regard to working at the Stillworks, I had a very good, I'm going to use the phrase, mental toolbox. So a car mechanic, they've got their big wheelie draws, 13 draws full of tools, and that's their toolbox. I've got a mental toolbox. And physics gives you this great mental toolbox.
So then all you have to do is apply the local knowledge and then work out how to estimate the fatigue strength of a steel that's going into the soon to be the biggest box girder construction of a bridge anywhere in the world, the now Westgate Bridge. And so all I needed was a physics degree, and then you ask the right questions. And you go in there and you learn what you have to. So physics, if anybody can hack it, and not everybody can, but the longer you can stay with physics, the better the mental toolbox. You can jump into anything. Yeah, so that's a kind of a foundation for a lot of different arms.
Yeah, but then it was mind-blowing when I started doing physiology. Have you guys studied physiology?
Not yet. It's astonishing. I might do it later to round off. It's worthwhile because I used to think that the human body was just full of this sort of chunky red salsa that if you got in a fight in the movies, it would leak out and it was just sort of this amorphous mush.
Cleric. Yeah. What was that? Cleric? Is that how you say it? Claret? Yeah. Go on.
It's a type of wine. Claret. Oh, so you're referring to the wine version of claret? Well, there's an expression that Clancy's trying to find. It's called, to tap the claret is to punch a person in the nose. You're kidding. Is that an Australian expression? And I misquoted it. I said claret, but yes. Did you make up that expression spontaneously? No, no, no. That's what they say in the bush when someone's got a bit of claret. Getting a bit of claret?
Yeah. I'm going to shirt front Clancy and get a bit of claret out of him. Yeah, imagine Putin trying to translate that one. That would be interesting. Yeah. Okay.
For me, I knew how the universe began, but I didn't know how the kidneys work. Yeah, right. I didn't know it was inside my body, and that was just mind blowing. It's a whole different universe inside your body. And it teaches some humility.
They threw us into the kidney. And after three months of studying the kidney, you come out gasping for air thinking, I know nothing about anything. And there are people who spend their entire lives studying the kidney. And they're sort of still, I know nothing about the kidney, there's so much to know.
Yeah, right. So where do I get my knowledge from? I start off in physics. And that was just at Wollongong University? Yeah. Locally, yeah. Wollongong was nice, easy to get to.
I was there in the big fires in 69 when I saw the entire front of Mount Keira catch on fire. Wow. That was amazing. So the flames started on the left hand side. And by the time they got across to the right hand side, it was 15 minutes later. And there was just this wall of red fire up the front. And I was living down at Taraji Beach. And then there were burnt sticks, the diameter of your finger in a metre or so long, being washed up on the beach weeks later. So there must have been one hell of an up-cut to pick up a stick and carrying it up and then along several kilometres and out to sea a few more kilometres before Washington. I reckon they saw the smoke in New Zealand. Really? Yeah, from the fire. Was that an industrial fire? Oh, it was just the bushfires. It was really, really hot that year. Wow.
Now, Carl, you're talking about yesteryear when education was kind of respected and looked at as a... And seen as an investment. As an investment.
And teachers. My father, as a primary school kid, as we walked down the street of Crown Street in Wollongong, most of the teachers were nuns or brothers, but there were a few lay teachers. And my father got me to take off my hat to them as a sign of respect to the teacher. To the teacher.
Yeah. It's a sacred and honourable tradition, as it still is in Germany and in the Scandinavian countries. Yeah.
Well, there'd be a lot of our listeners who can recall being taken to the CSIRO and probably not as much respect as taking their hats off, but were told that these are the scientists and these are the people. And what they do is they go and get answers and they bring them back. They hunt down the answers, bring them back and turn them into money.
And so you've got this great example of Stephen Hawking, you know, the wheelchair guy, saying there's black holes. People say, yeah. And he said, well, they probably evaporate as well if they're really tiny ones. So in 1972 in Australia, John O'Sullivan tried finding the radio signature of these evaporating black holes if they existed.
Couldn't find them. Had to invent special mathematics. Still couldn't find them. In other words, just to be specific, hard-wired Fourier transforms on a chip. Had to invent the special mathematics. Still couldn't find them.
But they ended up giving us Wi-Fi. Did you guys know that we Australians invented Wi-Fi? We did. We invented Wi-Fi, thanks to John O'Sullivan.
Was that a change in government that did that, or just off the cuff? Neither. Science is not seen as something worthwhile, even though it accounts for 70% to 80% of our income. Really? This is where I wanted to go with this.
Back in the day, scientists had that aura where they were money-making machines, or they were just the people you'd listen to. And now, maybe because sometimes they're coming back with answers people don't want to hear, they've been politicized as experts or elites. Do you feel much of that? Do people run you down?
It's been going on for ages, so with regard to smoking, today big tobacco is still funding the lies that vaping is not bad for you, that second-hand smoke is not bad for you, and that vaping doesn't lead to smoking cigarettes. So that was similar to climate change? Well, alcohol. Last month, across New South Wales, thousands of full-color ads, A1, went out across hospitals saying, well, it hasn't been proven that a woman who is pregnant and drinking alcohol can cause harm to the unborn baby. Complete lie. It has been proven. And that's in the year 2018 that big alcohol is doing it. And so with regard to climate change, in 1973, the insurance companies, Munich Re, the world's largest reinsurance company, could see the effects of climate change, or as they call it then the greenhouse effect, appearing in their insurance premiums, and it was just like the mafia. Nothing personal.
You smoke cigarettes, it's going to kill you, you're going to have to pay more money. If you live in this zone, climate change is going to, or greenhouse effect, we're going to charge you more money.
And the scientists had a higher burden of proof, so they didn't go ahead with saying it was real and caused by humans in 73. It took them until 1989, and then there was a bit of a shock for about a year or so, and then the big fossil fuel companies got together and funded a very well-funded disinformation campaign that's running today. And so Andrew Bolt, I was reading him in a newspaper from up on the Sunshine Coast saying, oh, it hasn't been proven that climate change is real.
Anyway, he's saying the equivalent of, look, mate, it just means you wear one less jumper in a window. What's the big deal? Yeah. Right, yeah. And so he's still denying that climate change is real. Well, do you think he personally believes that himself, or is that the person who is paying him to say those things? I don't know. That's a really good one. Once again, I know what he says because it's there in print. Yeah.
I don't know what he's thinking. Is he genuinely deluded, or is he, well, actually, there's another option. He could be genuinely deluded and really believe that climate change is not real, or he could be going for the shock jock.
I'm just going to say anything. I'm sure out in your area you've got a relative who just loves to argue.
Was it a nice day today? No, it was shocking. Was it nice and cool this morning? No, it was too hot.
No matter what you say, they just love to argue, and that might be him knowing that if he picks the right topics, he can build up his microscopic audience. Well, it seems to be doing its job because we're talking about him now on this esteemed radio show now. It must be doing its job because he sold 9,000 books last year.
Well, it's a small market. Yeah, I guess so. That means we're bestsellers. Oh, you mean with your beautiful flexi-bound ... Almanac. The one that's got the orangey cover on it? Yeah, that's it. I like that. It was Australia. Yeah, yeah, you're having a bit of a go at jet ski owners, I suppose. Yeah, are you one of those? Is that the Wollongong in you? Well, my daughter desperately, Lola, she desperately wants to go for a ride on a jet ski, but actually owning a jet ski is a different thing. Yeah, it is. It's a different, and it's definitely a class status. It means you made the big time. It's up there with the crown lager, I feel. Really? Yeah, La Dee Da. Oh.
If she wants to go ride a jet ski, she should go down to the Gold Coast or Brighton in the Sands, places that allow it. They've stopped it in the big bodies of water. The Brisbane River doesn't do it. Sydney Harbour doesn't do it anymore.
Really? Yeah. No, I think it was ... Pretty noisy. The Premier down there at the time, Bob Carr, I think, he was the one who said, no more jet skis on the harbour. Really? But isn't that a local issue? I guess it's a grey area between local council and state council. Yeah, okay, yeah.
Well, he was kind of, he was the New South Wales answer to Sir Joe in many ways. Tell me of these ways. Well, you know, as we were ... A lengthy career, I guess we can say. Yeah, and I think a lot of the stuff to do with the Olympic Games was very shady down there at the time, where they got a lot of his mates to redevelop home bush. You know, I just think it kind of stinks a bit, Carl. Well, following the example of Rake, you have to be able to back up what you say.
No, I don't. It's not at all. This is shock jock, but ... Oh, okay, right. Is the appropriate and allowed response, no, I'm not a journalist, I'm an entertainer.
I actually saw Alan Jones on Q&A give a figure for the price of renewable electricity that was wrong by 19,000 times. I thought that was pretty much a record. 19,000 times. And so 19,000 times wrong, yeah. Can you recall what that was? No. I saw it at the time, I wrote it down, I followed it up, I thought, that's wrong, and I followed it up and it was 19,000 times wrong, but nobody else on the panel picked him up on it.
Because I was very interested in electricity, because I was one of the early adopters with solar panels. How do you feel about the Tesla battery? It's a step in the right direction. So we had batteries 2,000 years ago in Baghdad, which was then part of Mesopotamia, but is now part of Iraq, probably used for electroplating. And then we did a bit of stuff with Galvani in Italy in 1780, whatever it was, I can't remember. And then we were heading down the pathway, the very first cars were electric powered, and then along came fossil fuels. Now fossil fuels have got this incredibly high energy density.
If you buy a barrel of fossil fuel, I think it's around 70-something dollars at the moment, and you get the labor of two strong men, five days a week, eight hours a day for a year. That's a dollar and a half for the labor of two strong men. And that's a bargain.
And so the energy density, and it's because the energy density is so high, so we sort of dropped batteries straight away, and for a long time, one kilogram of petrol had the same energy content as 500 kilograms of lead acid battery. And then we've moved along, and the latest real cutting edge, not practical, but cutting edge batteries are 10. So one kilogram of petrol has the energy of 10 of these batteries, but they're not in common use. But we're getting down that pathway, and there is that temporary problem with the lithium batteries catching on fire, but it turns out that the lithium iron nanophosphate batteries don't have free oxygen available, so they can't go into a runaway burning effect, so they're safe that way. But the latest ones, the ones that are in your phone, won't have that safety feature because the cost of that safety feature is a slightly lower energy density, and what they want with the phone is the maximum energy density. But we are getting there with batteries. Batteries are the way to go in the future, one of the pathways.
Now, Carl, the word Tesla in itself has been kind of hijacked by the South African Canadian stoner of late. Now, I didn't actually see, did he actually stone on TV? Yeah, he was stoning on live video. I don't think... On video? Did you actually see the combustible material entering and leaving his lips, or was it just the soundtrack? I think it was Clinton-esque. I think he did puff, but he didn't inhale. He tried to claim that. Yeah, I think so.
I think it was what the kids call a bum puff, where we don't draw back. This is the second bit of language I have not heard. Okay, so a bum puff is?
Is where you bring it in to your mouth and then blow it out of your mouth. Oh, so you don't run it into the gas exchange area of your lungs? No, so it's completely safe.
I came across a new one the other day. Babe is obviously too long to say, and they've dropped the second B, and it's been that way for the last three years. Bay. I didn't know that. Why did I get the memo? It was probably in one of the 172,000 emails. This is also in the English Dictionary. By the way, if you pronounce babe with all four letters, you are so uncool.
You're out of date, man.
I guess you go for bay. But can you tell us a little bit about the bum puff?
Before he created that brand that is Tesla, Nicolai Tesla. Oh, genius. Absolutely genius. The way he is revered almost sounds like he had almost created something with as much energy density as fossil fuels. No.
What he did do was work out how to make an AC battery. Now, have you guys ever made an AC motor? Have you guys ever made a DC motor? Yeah, which is what Edison invented.
It's worthwhile doing. You need only three things. You need a battery, you need some metal wire, and you need a magnet. And then you follow the YouTube video, and you use common household materials providing you've got a magnet somewhere. And then half an hour later, there's this thing that is sucking invisible juice out of this battery, and it's spinning.
And the first time you do it, you're just filled with this incredible sense of awe. And that was a huge step to do, and we could have done it 2,000 years ago, and it took the genius of Edison, who was the guy from the Royal Institution, Michael Faraday, who did it. But to go the AC motor was another step of genius, and Tesla was rightly revered for being that genius. When you go into actually what's the physics of making an AC motor, it is truly deep.
This is not trivial. And so he did that, and he tried transmitting power, and then that turned into he could make battleships run. He did invent radio before Marconi. Right. He did invent radio, and he was able to use that radio to turn on switches in little ships on a pond. But to transmit huge amounts of power over large distances? No. So mythology has built around the man that is greater than man, which is kind of sad because what he did was just genius. If you've got a spare day, try and work out how an AC motor works and try and build one, and by the end of the day you'll go, man, how do you do it? Yeah.
Do you think, have you seen any materials and things that have, anything that's popped up over the years that you thought might be the next big thing in construction or the next big thing and it just kind of fizzles out? You often hear about pykrete, which was an invention that they thought they were going to make every ship out of during the war. You often hear about it, don't you? Sawdust frozen with water, which is actually impenetrable, but of course it melts. Have you heard of anything like that you just thought would fizzle out? I mean, there's obviously been all kinds of renewables. I never realised that the laser would turn into something that's at every checkout. Yeah, right. I had no idea of that.
So what was your first experience with the laser? Well, we were trying to make coherent lights, so this was a guy, Neil Montgomery and myself, he was the brains, I was just the assistant. And we were trying to do a 3D image back in the day in the mid-1960s when these 3D images were just coming through on holograms. And so we managed to get a hologram from somewhere, but there was no laser. So how were you going to get coherent light?
And Neil was brilliant, he said, well, obviously what you do is you go and get a couple of D batteries. You strip them out and you get this carbon rod. You then get the two carbon rods and put them near each other and then run 240 volt AC into them. Oh my god, that's alright, he said, just wear the rubber gloves. And then you've got a current limiter, so you just get a couple of heaters and you run them in series with it.
And then you strike an arc and you get this incredibly bright light. And then out, if you pick a tiny, tiny bit, like you get a little pinhole, all of that light is coherent, and you shine it through a hologram we got from America, and then you're able to see this faint image.
And we didn't realize that until the end of the demonstration day, but in the same room were the geologists. And what they had done was set up some rocks in a dark case and then shone ultraviolet light on it so it glowed in the dark. And people would come up and look at it and say, that 3D rock looks so real. So the stuff that we had, it didn't look very good, so they just thought it was crap. But the 3D rocks, they thought that was the real 3D. So they thought that reality was better than the laser in those days, and it was back then.
So that was my first run across a laser. And now there's kids that are using them to try to bring down aeroplanes and helicopters. Well, not necessarily to bring down, but to cause blindness. So I've got one of these lasers, and I have a police permit, which cost me $253 for five years. I don't know where they got this number of $253. But isn't that like the end result of trying to blind a pilot is just on the road to trying to bring an aeroplane down?
Yes and no. I don't think they're that malevolent. They want to kill a whole bunch of people. It's up there with kids putting pins in strawberries. I think you're right, and I think I'm wrong. I think you're right that they want to see something exciting, and then suddenly when both pilots are blinded and 600 people die, they think, oh my god, what have I done? And they don't realise the consequences of their actions. It's like the needles in the strawberries.
What was the story with them? Was it real? Yeah, it was just kids, the same shit. Do we find out who it was? No. How do you know it was kids? Just copycats. How do you know if we haven't found them? I don't know.
Are you making an assumption? Now look classy. What did your primary school teacher teach you? Ass out of you and me. That's right. Assume makes an ass out of you and me. I want everybody to remember that. Don't assume nothing.
So with the ordinary weak laser, less than one milliwatt, it shines in your eye, you blink, and no damage is caused. But with the brighter lasers, five milliwatts and up, which shines in your eye, and before you can blink, you have got a blind spot in your vision. You're not totally blind. There's only a blind spot, a tiny, tiny spot in your vision. To make you totally blind, you'd have to run your eye backwards and forwards across a laser beam over a period of a minute or two.
So with regard to, you know the story about Looking Glass? Yeah. By yes you mean no, but go ahead. Is that what you mean? Exactly. Right, okay. So Looking Glass is a series of planes that are always flying for the United States military. Yeah.
And they've ramped them down, but at their peak they had three of them flying, one in each third of the Earth. And they were ready to be a flying control center to take over the destruction of the other nuclear countries in case of an all-out nuclear attack on America.
Yeah. And so the pilots always used to fly their eight-hour shift, and there'd always be three of them in the air, and one of the three would not come down until another one had come on station beside it. Yeah, right. So there's always three in the air, there was never two, there's always three.
And the pilots always wore a patch on one eye. And the reason for that was that if they're flying around, and then a nuclear weapon just comes flying down at very high speed at five kilometers a second and explodes in front of them, if they don't have the patch they're blind in both eyes. Yeah. And they can't fly the plane. So they'd have a patch on one eye, and then in the worst case a nuclear weapon would explode in front of them, they'd be blind in one eye, take off the patch, and then keep on flying with the other eye.
And then pew pew pew pew. Well they'd take over destroying the world with the nuclear go codes. The Cold War was much more intense than young people realize, don't they? We nearly got wiped out. A couple times. Three times. And by wiped out I mean we'd be living in a world where the overwhelming majority of people would not have electricity or vaccines or the infrastructure that we have today with regard to roads. Yeah.
So we had 60,000 nuclear weapons, more than one per major city, and they were aimed all around the world to get the major protagonists, the United States and the Soviet Union, plus all of their allies. And on one occasion, in fact we've just had the 35th anniversary of the Russian guy who saw on his radar that had been upgraded five nuclear weapons coming over the horizon just after the Russians, the Soviets, had shot down KAL 007 or 001, a jumbo full of humans.
Over the Kamchatka Peninsula. Somewhere around the Korean area. And it was just after that.
And he saw on his screen these nuclear weapons coming over, and it turned out to be a mistake. And he took the authority of saying no. If he'd said yes, that would have set off all of the Russian nuclear weapons, all of the Soviet nuclear weapons, all 30,000 of them against America, and we would have had this terrible interchange.
And most of the world would not have electricity. Do you think, like everyone always talks about, particularly in the current climate when you've got the political and the state of the world, everyone seems to think that we're on a knife's edge and it is one of those things, the axis has been tilted and there's Brexit and there's Trump. The axis of the Earth has been tilted. You're dead right by global warming.
I wrote about that in one of my books. Oh, right, right. Well, yeah. Not much.
Metaphorically and... Literally, literally, literally. Do you feel like it has been as tense? Metaphorically. Metaphorically is what I was saying.
Metaphorically the axis has been tilted. Metaphorically I died. No, literally it's been tilted. Metaphorically I died dead. I've actually heard somebody say, I literally died.
Yeah, you work at Triple J at times. That's the kind of music lingo, right?
And on the streets, man. I've heard on the streets. On the streets.
University as well. Yeah, the students say that. But do you think it was more tense back then, than everyone talking about terrorism and attacks and everyone feels like we're imminent war at times and how tense it is with maybe unstable dictators around the world? When you say tense, in Australia more people are killed by ladder accidents than by terrorists. Oh yeah, definitely.
Where are the ladder police? I want you guys to mount a campaign for the ladder police to keep the death rate down and keep Australians safe from killer ladders. And I think you've been actually, I'm sorry to say this to your face, but I think you've been a bit gutless in picking up the big issue. Come out and condemn these ladder leaders. These killer ladders and the lack of ladder police. We need more ladder surveillance.
We have to give up our privacy, but I think that's a fair call. Well, I suppose it's a bit better than ending up in a nursing home then, I guess. Woah. Funny, the timing of the Royal Commission into that just before ABC and Fairfax were going to come out with an article about it.
I think the big ladder was trying to hush that story. Oh, so big ladder is behind the background. So it's not just big tobacco, big alcohol and big climate change. There's big ladder. Big ladder and big aged care. No wonder you guys are the peak of Australian journalism. I'm looking at you all clear, what I can just see there. The expose on big ladder.
We're going to finish up now. Can you tell us what the immediate effects of climate change we'll see in the next five, ten years are? Oh, okay.
There's more energy in the system. The amount of energy being trapped by carbon dioxide each day is the heat energy that would be put out by 400,000 nuclear weapons not per year but per day. You can get away with that for one day or a week or a month but not for decades. So there's more energy in the system and the result of that is that firstly the overall average temperature is rising worldwide but because there's more energy in the system the extremes, the swings will be greater. So we're seeing as what is predicted there are five times as many swings to higher temperatures as there are to lower temperatures. You expect because the system is more robust.
What we're going to see, what I don't want to see is the ice melting in the Arctic and going to zero. We have lost 80% of the volume of the ice in the Arctic since 1979. When it goes to zero suddenly 2% of the world's surface will be, instead of being white reflective ice reflecting the heat, will be black water absorbing the heat and that will have double the effect of all the global warming till now.
That's called a positive feedback loop. What I really hope is we don't have positive feedback loops. Now here's a message of hope. Message number one.
Each generation since 1932 has been smarter than the generation before it by nine IQ points. This is called the Flynn effect.
Read it on my ABC homepage for free or in my books. It doesn't matter. Secondly, we are living in the most peaceful time ever in the history of the human race. Read the books, The Better Angel of Our Nature by Steven Pinker or Factfulness by Hans Rosling, R-O-S-L-I-N-G.
Thirdly, it is possible for us to go zero carbon with regard to electricity within 10 years if we follow the example of the Americans which they carried out on the 7th of December 1941 when they got bombed. If they went apeshit, if the world said we are going to stop it, we could go totally global, carbon free electricity in 10 years, transport 15 years. Agriculture and livestock, which is about 25% of our carbon dioxide would take a little bit longer because it's alive and the DNA will try to fight us of the plants and the livestock but we can win that. And then already in Switzerland, they're building machines that if we had 25 million of them could pull back out of the atmosphere an entire human race contribution of carbon dioxide per year. 25 million machines you think is a big number but we make and sell 80 million units for the car industry. But we could do it. And where are we going to put the carbon?
How big are the machines? The size of a container on the back of a semi-trailer.
Right. Okay, so America goes to war.
Within 9 months, the number of cars being made for the domestic market in America after Pearl Harbor is zero.
And they're pumping out planes like the B-2. No, the B-17. The B-17, huge plane, crew of 10, weighing 30 tonnes, can fly to Perth, very fast, big payload and they were pumping these machines out of their X-car factories not at the rate of one a month, one an hour.
We can do it, we just have to decide. So I failed in my run for politics. And so I'm saying that if you feel you want to run for politics, run for it or support somebody who can.
It's a very dirty game.
When I ran for politics, I was astonished at the interviews that I supposedly had where I'd said things and it was just all lies. 2007, that was? 2007, people lied, I was astonished.
What about you running as an independent in the seat of Warringah? That's local. Against Tony Abbott?
Need 5 million. You need 5 million or just a really hot Facebook page? Twitter account. Need 5 million dollars and you need the lead up time.
Are you an electorate? No, I'm a bra boy, mate. Right.
Don't mess with me. Or else I'll show you my 2035 tattoo and then you'll be in trouble. I don't want to show it to anybody.
I've read that there's an independent in Sydney who's about to take the seat of Malcolm Turnbull from the Liberal Party apparently. Well, that'll depend on the votes on the day and what is said in the various newspapers.
Or what isn't said. And what isn't said.
And I do believe that the Murdoch Press gets 70% of the newsprint eyes in Australia. But on the other hand, the Millennials, 70% of them get their news not from radio, TV, newspapers from the sidebar on Facebook.
And I'll just stop right there. And on that? No, I am optimistic about the future that we can make things better with regard to global warming. We just have to make the decision. Well, thank you for joining us. What a note to end on. Dr. Clancy and Dr. Errol, thank you for allowing me to appear on this Peek of Journers. I'm expecting a Walkley Award. Yeah, I reckon we might be on there. Dr. Carl Sven, Wojtek Sass-Konkockowicz, Matthew Grushel-Nwitski.
Wheelbarrow.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And that was Dr. Carl. He's come a long way from digging holes in DAPTO, we have to say. What an amazing mind, Errol. He is, mate. He's probably as good as it gets in this country in terms of general knowledge. He is really the benchmark.
I mean, there was a lot of times in that chat we just had with him where I was trying to steer the conversation somewhere, but I thought I'd just let him run because he's just a beautiful mind. Yeah, I found myself tuning out at times with big words.
Similar to, I guess, our elected officials. Dr. Carl might be a brain, but he's no match for the genius that is Mr. Freudenburg. His intellect pales in comparison to that of the deputy prime ministers, I'm sure, and I'm sure Mr. McCormack wouldn't disagree with that. Yeah, you can't really disagree with that. I wouldn't say I'm smarter than the man.
Anyway, that's it for this week. Thanks for joining us. My name's Clancy Overall. You be kind to each other. And my name is Errol Parker.
Stay out of the pokies, whatever you do, and never, ever, ever talk to the police unless you have legal counsel present.
America after Pearl Harbor is zero, and they're pumping out planes like the B-17. The B-17, huge plane, crew of 10, weighing 30 tonnes, can fly to Perth, very fast, big payload, and they were pumping these machines out of their ex-car factories, not at the rate of one a month, one an hour.
We can do it, we just have to decide. So I failed in my run for politics, and so I'm saying that if you feel you want to run for politics, run for it or support somebody who can. It's a very dirty game.
When I ran for politics, I was astonished at the interviews that I supposedly had where I said things and it was just all lies. 2007, that was. 2007, people lied, I was astonished.
What about you running as an independent in the seat of Warringah? That's local. Against Tony Abbott?
Need five million. You need five million or just a really hot Facebook page? Twitter account. You need five million dollars and you need the lead-up time.
Are you an electorate? No, I'm a bra boy, mate. Right.
Don't mess with me, or else I'll show you my 2035 tattoo and then you'll be in trouble. I don't want to show it to anybody.
I've read that there's an independent in Sydney who's about to take the seat of Malcolm Turnbull from the Liberal Party, apparently. Well, that'll depend on the votes on the day and what is said in the various newspapers.
Or what isn't said. And what isn't said.
And I do believe that the Murdoch Press gets 70% of the newsprint eyes in Australia. But on the other hand, the millennials, 70% of them get their news not from radio, TV, newspapers, from the sidebar on Facebook.
And I'll just stop right there. And on that? No, I'm optimistic about the future, that we can make things better with regard to global warming, we just have to make the decision. Well, thank you for joining us. What a note to end on. Dr. Clancy and Dr. Errol, thank you for allowing me to appear on this peak of journals. I'm expecting a Walkley Award. Yeah, I reckon we might be on there.
He's come a long way from digging holes in DAPDO, we have to say. What an amazing mind, Errol. He is, mate. He's probably as good as it gets in this country in terms of general knowledge. He is really the benchmark.
I mean, there was a lot of times in that chat we just had with him where I was trying to steer the conversation somewhere, but I thought I'd just let him run because he's just a beautiful mind. Yeah, I found myself tuning out at times with big words.
Similar to, I guess, our elected officials. Dr. Carl might be a brain, but he's no match for the genius that is Mr. Freudenburg. His intellect pales in comparison to that of the deputy prime ministers, I'm sure, and I'm sure Mr. McCormack wouldn't disagree with that. Yeah, you can't really disagree with that. I wouldn't say I'm smarter than the man.
Anyway, that's it for this week. Thanks for joining us. My name's Clancy Overall. You be kind to each other. And my name is Errol Parker.
Stay out of the pokies, whatever you do, and never, ever, ever talk to the police unless you have legal counsel present. |
cracked | the_10_most_insane_things_you_didn_t_know_about_the_universe_marvels_of_the_science_episode_6 | Our world is full of being in many worlds, from the oceans of the sun to just left of that, from the floating planet canyons of Arizona to whatever this is supposed to be. I'm Professor Scott Bugg, tenured at the Academy of Thinks on Lambshire Hedge in Shrubshire Brook. Today we will discuss the laws and building blocks of the universe, energy, gravity or American gravity, and more on my marvels of the science. Now, light is just like... what? You know, because there's seeable light, which is visible, but there's also many other things on the light spectrum. There's magnetism, there's electricity, sound, and there's other stuff too, and so many.
I can't even. Now, light is everywhere, but it is very dangerous. To protect us from it, Ken Griffey Jr., the scientist, will invent dust. He tossed it up in the air to absorb all the radiation, the feelings, the gravity. Now, dust of course is mostly harmless, but it does burn a lot of fossil fuels, so only got a couple of months left. Now, I'm here doing some gravity, which is another word for to go around something.
I gravity these leaves, the earth gravity the sun, or suns, depending on which pole you're at. Oh, you're at north of the suns, south of the sun. So, if you're in the south pole, and you want to see more than one sun, you can't, because there's not then there. But if you're in the north, and you only want to see one, there's too many. There's more than you're looking for. So, don't move to either. Stay in the equator, where there are no suns.
Now, I'm here doing some smaller gravity, and you can do this at home. You just go around, around, around, and marvels. And then I just sort of stare off over there. The speed of light is faster than, at the very least, just like a couple of things. But at the most, all of it. And if your mind can even gravity it, the light can reach the earth from the moon in just now.
It's done. It's already done, as I was talking.
Faster than light is the much smaller atom, which is pretty bland. But, then there's the electron. Tiny ball of lightning that were discovered by Dr. Filme-Winge when he was visiting the tomb of the unknown scientist.
These cells will go in opposite directions at once. They will grow and shrink at the same time, as if that's not super weird. Now, ichia still is the theory of small worms, which suggests that the universe is actually made by tiny little worms. That are tinier than the tiniest thing that a person that's already pretty tiny could imagine. So, the worms sink and hump and make the universe.
And you can almost hear them if you get close enough, which we won't, because yuck. Yuck.
So, if everything is made of worms, then worms are everything. So then, everything is everything.
The world of science and nature is so truly amazing. It's just, like, I mean, some of the stuff I just said is, you know, it's just wild. The thing about the worms, like, there's no way that's true, but it is, you know. Oh, man. And, like, I haven't even gotten into the heavy spectrum, which is just, oh, that is the wowzer, you know. Like, wowzer, kapowzer, major Tripsville, man. It's freaky-diggy, weirdy stuff, you know, bits. I mean, I've barely even gotten into the stuff with the bits. Like, sometimes, I just do not believe the words I say. And that, that's why science is one of my marvels of the science.
If you're feeling saucy like me, you like our videos. There's, I thought there'd be more puns. We set this up and I, what? Thank you. Click subscribe. Think about it. Use your noodle and the possibilities are endless breadsticks and salad. Yay! We got there, we got there. All right, I'm gonna. |
dropout | Who_Got_High_and_Fought_a_Sea_Lion_with_a_Pool_Noodle_Dirty_Laundry_Clip | Who got high and fought a sea lion with a pool noodle? Josh is from Orange County. What do you mean when you get a pool? Where do you get a pool noodle from is your biggest question.
I believe in animal rights. I believe animals have a right to sovereignty.
I don't even eat honey, fun fact, because I believe bees have made that. Bro, I seen you put honey in your oatmeal the other day. Shut the fuck up. Bee, can you just be sure for once?
Josh did that stuff to that video. I know it.
He's from Orange County. I've only ever seen a sea lion in Orange County. So I think that you didn't. There was this sea lion water polo player once that said, welcome to the OC, bitch.
And just smacked him from crying down the hallways. And he had to go back to wherever he was from.
I love the OC. That was a good show.
It was Chase, because he's over here, the swimmer. He's talking about swimming with lions. Yeah, he's the one with the confidence in the water to fight on your other ice cream. Yeah, I can totally see him moving his little legs, like, come here. He doesn't have to be in the water. He can fight. They can be on land. Oh, they could have been in the octagon. We don't know. No, you gotta be in the water. I mean, SeaWorld sounds like the place where they would just supply you with pool noodles and you could just smash.
This person was oh so high when this happened. That was Josh.
What do you mean? Bro, I don't do drugs, okay? That was fucked up. I saw you put drugs in your oatmeal yesterday morning, okay? Silicidin mushrooms are a plant. They're not a drug. No, honey, but yeah. All right, what do you think?
I think it's Josh. He just seems like somebody who would actually fight an animal, because Josh, who do you think? He stole his pizza or something. Whoever smelled the Delta, it was V. Jordan, who do you think? It was Josh. It would never be V. Why would he vote for her? It's Josh. Chase, who do you think? It was Josh.
Will the person who got high and fought a sea lion with a pool noodle please take a sip of their drink? Yeah, here's the thing. So I'm out of alcohol, but fuck that sea lion.
He's a rhyme.
What had happened was. He's possessed. UC Santa Barbara, 2011, when I saw him here, first college apartment.
Can I say that? We lived on the corner of Pescado on Del Playa Boulevard, big party location. We'd have random people come up and be like, hey, I'm a DJ. Can I DJ a party for you? And we'd be like, yeah, sure. Let's get a bunch of ecstasy and figure this out. And so, you know, we're all rolling. We had a DJ there and he was like, hey, can I throw a bananas and champagne party?
And we're like, we don't know what that is. And he's like, have you heard of Dada Life? And we're like, no. And he's like, great news.
So he shows up with 132 bananas and three cases of champagne, right? So we're at this party. Everyone's rolling. We got a bunch of blackout lights for all this. And then he starts throwing bananas into the crowd. So people are mashing bananas into our carpet.
The next day we wake up and we're like, hey, we should probably smoke some pot and then blow up a kiddie pool from Kmart and go out in the open water so we can think the situation through and how to fix it. And my buddy Dave, he's got a big old wooden ore. I got a pool noodle. It's the only things that we had out there, seven dudes. And then we go way too far into the open ocean. And then our craft starts sinking, right? So it was a kiddie pool from Kmart. And then we start floating through a child's surf camp in Goleta, California. Cause we'd gone a couple of miles at this point. And so our boat's leaking. There's beer cans leaking out. We're trying to figure it out and swim back.
And then we started hearing, and there's a fucking sea lion there. And so my buddy Dave, he's trying to bash it with a paddle. I got a pool noodle and I'm like, fuck you sea lion. You're not taking us with you, bro. I believe in Jesus. And so I started hitting him with a pool noodle and then we eventually beat back the sea lion and ended up on shore.
There were so many nouns in that that did not make sense to me. Banana and champagne and dada life, like real bananas? I ate a whole grapefruit rind and I don't feel so good now.
That was the least gay story I've ever heard in my life. As a gay person, I have never heard a story that was less gay than that. I could not relate to one single thing in that story.
Some of us experimented with each other a little bit. He did ecstasy. I thought they were going to make out, but he said he'd beat a sea lion. I also feel like a rum ham was going to make its way into that story. Oh no, we actually, we literally did that. We literally soaked a ham and rum and brought it out into that Kmart cage.
That sounds about right to you. Okay, that is points for everyone except for Josh. Sorry. |
dropout | Dirty_Laundry_Full_Episode_Vic_Michaelis_Raphael_Chestang_Ryan_Creamer_Carolyn_Page | There are some secrets we take to the grave and others we plaster online for laughs. This is Dirty Laundry.
I'm your host, Lily Du. And today I am joined by a Bloody Mary, Vix and Kalis. Hi, thank you so much for having me. Happy to be here.
A Bloody Grant, Raphael Chestang. Yep, that's me. That's when Grant gets drunk and cuts his finger. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Bloody Mary said three times while looking into a mirror, Ryan Creamer. Scary. And Bloody Kevin. That's just a random guy named Kevin who got hurt.
Carolyn Page. Cook you up, Kev. Here's how the game works.
I have a stack of secrets about our guests and they have to guess who each secret belongs to. If it's their own, they should make accusations to try and throw people off their trail. But we might've mixed in a secret or two about me or Grant, because we still have secrets too.
Hey Grant, what's today's special? Lily, today's cocktail is a Grant the Beachcomber and our non-alcoholic option is a classic Shirley Temple. Wow, he found a way to make the drinks more about him.
All right, here is how scoring works. You get one point for every time you guess correctly, but if it's your own secret and you manage to trick everyone, you get three points.
Sound good? Yes. All right, let's get to it. First secret.
Who pissed their pants on purpose on a first date? On purpose? On purpose. Oh, so you met, you said, oh, not me by accident. Me by accident. Me not on purpose. Oh, I've done that many times. Never intentionally.
Okay, this is tough. Carolyn's shirt is literally yellow. But Ryan's a piss boy. That is true. It is tough to, this one's a tough one to defend when you're notoriously a piss boy. Yeah. Yeah, one of the main things people know about me.
I think it's Carolyn. Because of her yellow shirt? Yeah, I should clarify. It's not because of the yellow shirt. I think if anyone's gonna do it on purpose, it would be Carolyn.
Yeah, this is interesting because it kind of reads to me as like an alpha move. You gotta have a lot of confidence. Hey, you think you own this date? No. And do you think this is to, yeah, impress them? Their date?
Yeah, what would be the motive? Okay, here's what I'm thinking though. It would be to get out of a date. Oh, that is what I'm thinking. It would be like, oh, I have to go. Yes, that's very interesting.
What coward would do that? Well, I don't know if it's so much a coward.
Let's get our guesses in. No, okay. Vic, who do you think pissed their pants on purpose on their first date? Okay, so I'm gonna go with my heart and I'm gonna say Raph. Wow, wow. I wanna follow my heart, that's what my heart says.
Sorry. Go ahead, waste your turn.
Okay, Raph, who do you think then? I say Carolyn. I think it's Carolyn. Ryan, who do you think? I think the logic of it being to get out of a date makes a lot of sense to me and I think a girl would do that before a guy would and I'm gonna say it's Carolyn. I'm gonna say it's Vic.
Will the pants pisser please take a sip of their drink? Stop.
No way.
That got me. I was the pisser all along. I gotta say, I was so glad this was the first one because I was like, if I have to get up and pee during the show, it's going to be so clear that it's me. But you did it on purpose. Let me explain. Okay, so normally, standardly, I just have to peel out when I drink. Standardly. Standardly, that's my operating, and this is a first date and I met this girl and it was going well, but I just kept having to get up to pee and I'll set the scene.
It was raining in New York. I was wearing a long raincoat.
So this goes into my purposeful strategy, okay? So I went up to go to...
Stay with me, okay? Okay. Stay with me, okay? I'm right with you. You know what?
I, after this happened, told a group of friends and was like, this will be fun. We're laughing at it. And instantly I saw everyone's perception of me change.
I will say, I have heard this story from a friend of Ryan's as a disturbing story about Ryan Stewart. The way you're setting it up, it could be a rom-com. It could be a horror movie. I mean, so here's what happened.
It was like the fourth or fifth time that I got up to pee and I'm like, I'm embarrassed. The optics of this just make me embarrassed. I don't want to get up to go and pee anymore.
And I did the math. I'm like, it's raining outside. I'm wearing a long raincoat. I'm going to pee my pants right now instead of going to the bathroom again.
Did you like this person? Yeah. We went on another date. The date ended and she was like, wow, you went away so fast. Like I went and got into a cab and it was like, I think she was like, we're gonna have a kiss. And I was like, oh yeah, I had to run.
Sorry. There's pee on my pants. I'm sorry. I pissed my pants.
This is truly the wildest story and that's how we're starting. That's three points to Ryan on the first question. At what cost? But at what cost? Next question.
Who had sex with someone the night that person signed their divorce papers?
Damn. Sorry, are we still thinking about the piss pants? Yeah, that's going to take me a while.
Whoever submitted this just wants us to know that they've had sex. I think they just want a group of people to be like, oh wow, you've had sex before?
That's what I think the play is here. I think it could be piss boy again. Oh, I can't become piss boy. I think they did back to back. I've done a great service to whoever this is. Like the lamest thing to catapult into coolness.
Green card marriage? Could have been a green card marriage. If you have a green card marriage, don't say it.
I'm hoping that the papers being signed was like part of the foreplay. I really hope it was part of the sex. You know what I mean? That's honestly hot. It could have been Grant. I like that. Wait, it's hotter after they're legally divorced and not when they're just still a little married?
Oh, fuck, Lily. You're right. Absolutely. Oh, fuck.
All right, let's get our guesses in. Who had sex with someone the night that person signed their divorce papers? Carolyn, who do you think it was? I think it's Grant. Ryan, who do you think it was? Raf, who do you think it was?
I'm just going to say Carolyn for everyone. You can't say me for every answer. I'm going for who I think is probably the coolest person here, so I'm going to go Carolyn.
Wow. They looked right at me. I thought they were going to say me. I was getting ready to look right at me. And you're saying I'm cool? That's the best compliment I've ever gotten.
I know it wasn't coming to the boy who's been called Piss Boy, that's fucked. Will the person who had sex with someone the night that person signed their divorce papers please take a sip of their drink?
It was me. Yeah! Thank you! Yes! Yes, had sex with someone. Thank you.
Sorry, mom.
Points to Raf and Vic. I'm feeling good about this. There's actually quite a bit more to the story. Yes, because it was also the first time I ever pegged anyone. Ooh! Wow. I get set up on this date.
I'm a little hesitant because they're like, they're just getting a divorce. I'm like, that's not great. I'm looking for a relationship that seems like a red flag. That's not what Grant and I are looking for. Ew!
So we go out on this date. Things are going fine. We're doing some drugs, we're having some drinks. We go back to their place and then we're fooling around a little bit.
He's having a little trouble getting aroused. So obviously, you know, he's just divorced. That's fine, like I can go or whatever. And then he like looks over at his bed stand and he's got this like pickle statue next to his bed stand. And he's like, what if you put this in my ass? And I was like, okay. I like to try new things. And then I did. Will you be honest right now? Was it a pickle Rick? Yeah.
This was pre-Rick and Morty.
Okay, wait, so it wasn't a dildo. It wasn't a hat. It was not a dildo.
It was just, he had an actual pickle statue. Like a trophy of a pickle. Do you think he's put that in his ass before? In the moment, it seemed like he hadn't, but when recounting this story to my friends, they were all like, that's his. Are you kidding me? He has a statue of a pickle next to his bed.
All right, that is points to Vic and Raph. Can I have a point as well? No, no, no. I don't think I will give you a point for that. Next question.
Who nearly got shot while impersonating a cop? Whoa. Wow. Oh, that's fucking crazy. It was not Vic.
Why? Why, why? Because they're too clean cut.
You would never do anything like that. I don't believe.
I think it is you. I think it is Vic. This has to be on a set, right? Like impersonating a cop, I think is like, they were cast. To me, this is not someone who, you know what I mean? Honestly, here's my thought is it's gotta be somebody that's like big on doing like internet videos, right? Because I feel like that's maybe a avenue that somebody's taking where it's like for a TikTok or something like that. And to me, that leans maybe Ryan? Yeah. Okay, how about this?
If you've ever pretended to be a cop, you have to tell us. I mean, I have played security people. I played like FBI agents on TV and been on the streets, like wearing shirts that say FBI on them and stuff. So I think it's very easy to be around.
Female body inspector? Yeah, female body inspector.
Yeah, that's why I feel like it's Vic because Vic looks like someone who Hollywood people would cast as a cop. Interesting, good point. And now Raph hasn't said very much so now I think it's Raph. Raph is a quiet man though. Yeah, I'm just gonna say Carolyn again. That's a cop haircut, it's a cop haircut.
I'm taking it back, fuck cops. I'm taking it back.
Okay, our final guess is Raph thinks it's Carolyn. Ryan, who do you think? I'm gonna say Raph because we did a sketch.
You're the only person that I've seen in real life be dressed as a cop. Yeah, that, okay. Good guess, Vic. I'm gonna guess Ryan. Okay, Carolyn. Vic. Will the cop impersonator please take a sip at their drink? Oh.
Wow.
Ah, damn it, Ryan. He's seen you in uniform, he's seen too much. So what happened?
I was filming a prank show in Atlanta. Let me tell you something. If you're gonna play a fake cop, wear a real vest. Because they're gonna be, because somebody's, you're gonna be able to fool somebody and some people you don't want to fool that well. I can't fool anyone as a cop. Hello, you're under arrest.
She also wears long evening gloves. You have a glass of wine.
Okay, we're filming a prank show where the prank was, it was actually a very nice prank where I'm supposed to pretend like I'm towing this guy's motorcycle. Now, this guy belongs to a biker group, which was very important to make that distinction between a biker group and a biker gang. The difference is a person in a biker group doesn't want you to know they're a gang.
So everybody there. Everybody there really hated cops, and they let me know that. And so in the middle of the thing- And this was a nice prank, how?
It was a nice prank because at the end of it, Shaquille O'Neal comes around the corner in a brand new motorcycle for this guy. So his motorcycle is a little beat down and he has this wish of like, this is my dream motorcycle. And so he thinks I'm towing it, then Shaq comes around, big ass Shaq comes around. Shaq's motorcycle's pretty good. The problem is that Shaq is late.
So they're in my ear- So they're in my ear saying vamp. Okay, so I got to keep going at it with this guy. Yeah, as a cop, as a police officer, he's like- Oh God. So they're like, tell him the VIN number is scratched off. It looks like you might be stolen. So he's really getting heated. Anyway, eventually Shaq comes around the corner with the motorcycle and the guy tells, the guy told me, he was like, it's a good thing Shaq showed up.
When he did, I was about to introduce you to my nine friends and then he flashed, and he flashed his gun at me. And everyone, everyone was strapped. My guns, totally fake.
I like that he calls them friends. I think that's nice.
Was he happy when Shaq got there? Yeah, everybody's happy when Shaq gets there. If Shaq walked in right now, we'd all be happy.
All right, points to Ryan for guessing. We're giving away points, I'll take one. Yeah, we're not, we're not. Once again, we could ask, but I won't give up. Next question.
Who got trapped in an amusement park in the middle of the night with an escaped inmate? It sure sounds like Scooby-Doo. The narrative I'm constructing in my head was like, there's a gunman on the loose and everyone cleared out except for this one person. And it's them stuck with the other person. They sleep on a bench. I gotta get on Goliath. Why are they trapped though? Oh no, they shut down the amusement park. They found out that, they found out. Someone was in there. Yeah, they found out that there was an escaped inmate in there and they said, nobody's getting out. Right. Also, if you're an escaped inmate, don't go to an amusement park, that's so cliche.
Go to, go to Raf's house. To me, this is like a complete dice roll. It could be anyone. I really want to hear the story.
Let's get those guesses in then. Raf, who do you think got trapped in an amusement park? I think Vic. Amusement park is very wholesome. That's what I think. I'm a bad guy. I don't know what to think. Vic, who do you think?
Raf. Ryan.
I'm gonna say Vic. I'm gonna say Vic too.
Will the person who was trapped in an amusement park with an escaped inmate, please take a sip of their drink. Yeah, okay. That was fucked up. Okay, so to preface this, I worked for three seasons.
Like what I have the most job experience in is being a monster at Halloween time. Yeah, like doing like Halloween haunts and things like that.
So I was very good at that. So basically they were like, okay, you're so good at this. Do you want a job over the summer working in the tech department? And I was like, yeah, absolutely. Same skill. So they're just like, we're gonna give you the easiest job.
You're gonna babysit the fireworks. There has to be somebody watching over the fireworks 24 hours a day when fireworks are on site. So I stayed in this tiny little like shack backed by all the Halloween decorations. You like walk through and then there's this like patch of fireworks. And my only job is I have to like go once every hour and just like loop around the fireworks and come back.
And I got a little radio. You don't get any cell service.
They say like, you have to be awake and alert. It's part of the law.
I fell asleep immediately every single time I was there. So I all of a sudden wake up and my little radio is buzzing and it's the security guard who has never called me in like my five or six nights I've done this so far.
And he's just like, hey, I'm gonna loop around. If you can just come out front for a sec. And I was like, yeah, of course, absolutely. This is fun. I'm getting a visitor. So he comes through and he's just like, hey, just wanted to give you a heads up.
We got a call from the police station. Apparently there's like someone running around out here that escaped from one of the prisons.
Don't worry about it. Shouldn't be a problem.
And then he leaves. And so it's just me in this tiny little shack all night. And then we find out the next day, they found him in one of the bathrooms, like close, close enough to the shack that like, had I decided to go back out and like do my rounds, I maybe could have run into them. I don't, I don't know, but it was truly one of the wildest things that has happened to me.
And I never went back. I truly never went back again.
Well, that is one point for everyone except Vic for somehow getting shack in the woods, amusement park vibes from Vic. I thought he did so well too. I was like, I was like, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to get in three points. This is going to be great.
Really? No, people knew. As someone who likes amusement parks, you give off big amusement parks.
That is it for round one. We are going to take a quick break in the meantime.
Hey, Grant, what are we drinking today? So today's cocktail is a Grant, the beachcomber, which is a cocktail that I invented and it's honestly so stupid for me to include in this series because it has a bunch of ingredients that you're never going to have. This is an homage to a Tiki drink. It's strong, it's rich, it's assertive, it's sweet. This drink is everything I wish I was as a man.
We're going to start with an ounce of good rum. I'm using a Jamaican rum here because I really like that, that brown sugar note, that burnt note that you're getting off of there. It's going to be a full ounce of that. Then we're going to do a half an ounce of a super funky rum called Smith and Cross that has almost like a petroleum nose in a good way. You don't want to overdo it with this stuff, but just a little bit in the background is really going to give it a nice like assertiveness. From there, we're going to get even weirder and we're going to add three quarters of an ounce of macadamia nut liqueur, which you are definitely not going to have around your house. Finally, we're going to add pineapple amaro and there's one company in the whole world that makes pineapple amaro. Add an ounce of that, then ice that down and we're going to stir that. I'm tracing my spoon right against the glass to get everything really just to spin in there. One nice big ice cube and we're going to strain that right in. Over that, a twist of orange and that is a Grant the Beachcomber.
And we're back. Let's recap the scores. We have Vic with one point. That's pretty good. Don't clap. Raph with two points. Ryan with five points and Carolyn with one point. All right.
Next secret and still you. But maybe someone else will get a new nickname because the next secret is, who made a hamster cum? C-U-M, cum.
Ryan, right? Definitely Ryan.
I will say whoever this is owes me a credit because I know there's targets on my back. I know everyone's gunning for me. It's not me, but I've done a great shielding job for whoever this is.
Okay, here's what I think is behind this story is someone was breeding hamsters and so they put two hamsters together and the hamsters mated and then the hamster, so you know I needed a circuitous way to say I bred a hamster. But it is a good thought. I think they jerked off a hamster. That's exactly what I think happened.
Carolyn, I have no idea. I promise you, I have no fucking idea.
I think they jerked off a hamster like the same way that you would do a horse. With both your arms? Whatever reason, whatever reason people have for jerking off horses, like medically.
Right. Medically. They get hysterical unless they cum. Vic is fully in shock. Yeah. Well, I think it's Vic actually. Yeah.
My thought is it has to be somebody that would most likely work at a pet store. That's a good thought.
Or who do you think owns a hamster? When you own the pet, you have to take them through all kinds of shit. Okay, I'll lay it out there. My sister owned a guinea pig. But that's not a hamster. Exactly. I own guinea pig and hamsters and I never made either of them jizz. I had a hamster. Yeah, never made. Wow, a lot of hamster owners in the house. I'm looking pretty clean right now. Did you ever have a hamster?
No. Did you ever work at a pet store? No. Did you ever let a hamster bukkake on your face? Of course. Went to college, didn't I?
All right, let's get our guesses in. Raphael, who do you think made a hamster cum? Vic. Okay. Vic, who do you think made a hamster cum? Ryan. Ryan, who do you think made a hamster cum?
I'm gonna say Raph. Carolyn? I'm gonna say Raph. Will the person who made a hamster cum please take a sip of their drink?
So the thing is, I'm- Wow! Yeah, pick it up. Wow!
Oh my God. Lord. You sneaky hamster fucker. Were you wearing the gloves? I'm so sorry.
Yeah, you got it. Okay, here's the story.
After my freshman year of college, I was in New York for the summer and my high school boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, on and off, was hanging out a lot at his NYU drug dealer friend's apartment on Avenue C. And I was there and the guy got a hamster for some reason. This hamster had the largest balls I'd ever seen. What? And I was like, oh my God, what do you do? And I took a pencil and I kinda tapped them and I was like, oh my God, just get those away from me. And then they started getting really big and swollen and I was like, oh no. Oh no, I've given it what it wants. Oh no, I've sexually aroused this hamster. Wow. And so I stopped doing that and we just kind of let the hamster run around and it ran up my ex's jeans and then later he looked down and he goes, why is there a huge wet stain on my jeans? And why are the hamster's testicles so much smaller now?
Wow. Damn. That is points to nobody. Damn. Oh my God.
Except the hamster.
Next question. Who committed libel against Reese Witherspoon?
What is libel again? Hmm, okay, it was Ryan. Come on. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Libels when you like slander someone's name. Oh, isn't that slander? Yeah. Slander is out loud. Libels in writing. Got it. Oh, oh, who can't do libel then?
Writing? Oh, interesting. So yeah, it could be like a tweet, right? Yeah.
What about freedom of speech? Go off. Go off, Elon. Yeah, what about freedom of speech?
Just kidding. Be nice to everyone. Okay, just kidding.
So I'm gonna say that it was Raph because he's done a lot of comedy writing and he talks so much shit on Reese Witherspoon. Yeah, that's the thing. My thought is that it has to be somebody that's a good enough writer that it was like the type of thing that she read and was like, that is not okay. It's definitely not me then.
I'm gonna say Carolyn.
Let's get our guesses in. Ryan, who do you think? Dick.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Carolyn, who do you think? I'm gonna say Raph again. I'm gonna go with Raph. Raph, who do you think? I'm gonna say Ryan. Vic, who do you think?
Oh, we're just gonna make it sort of an even, hmm, an even, no, Carolyn, an even distribution. Yeah, I was gonna say an even baker's dozen and that didn't make sense.
Will the person who committed libel against Reese Witherspoon please take a sip of their drink? Oh! Spicy.
Yeah. All right. You didn't have to tell us. All right, and that's it for me.
Ew, it's all gonna go again. This was a bad day. So I used to write for the ET Online, Entertainment Tonight, their website, ET Online is like an entertainment news blog.
So what happened was Reese Witherspoon had gotten struck by a car while she was jogging in Santa Monica on 20th. I wrote that she had been struck by a car going 20 miles an hour. Now, if you get struck by a car going 20 miles an hour, she'll probably survive.
But that shit, you're gonna have some serious damage. Like it's a huge difference from what actually happened. But because the publication has kind of like a wide audience or whatever, you can still, you can Google it and there are still stories that still say reportedly Entertainment Tonight says that she was struck. Does it have your byline on it? Probably.
That's gotta be great for her though, right? Because then she like made this miraculous recovery. She's back on set the next day. Everybody's like, Reese, you're so brave. You know what I mean? Like that's gotta be fantastic for her. So she should give you a prize actually.
The insane way my brain heard this story when you said it is that Reese was running 20 miles. See, it's confusing, it's confusing. I was like, holy fuck, we're in the Olympics.
All right, that is one point for Carolyn. Next, who burns somebody's eye after a profession of love? So we don't know who professed love. No, I guess it's unclear. So it could have been like a wedding. Yeah, right. But we think it's obviously wasn't on purpose. So we think it's a clumsy person. I don't think anyone, as much as I hate everyone here, I don't think any of you would have purposely burnt someone's eye. We also literally just minutes ago said nobody could possibly have purposefully pissed their pants. And yet here we are. That's very true. Let's get our guesses in. Carolyn, who do you think burnt someone's eye after a profession of love?
I think it's Grant. I think this sounds like some wacky Grant shit. That really is some Grant ass shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tell people I love them all the time. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ryan, who do you think? I'm going to say Vic. Vic, who do you think? This screams a bit gone wrong. So I am going to say Ryan. Raf? I'm going to say Carolyn. Will the person who burned somebody's eye after a profession of love, please take a sip of their drink?
Oh, yay! Yay! Gather round, kids.
We're going to go back a little bit for this story. To my kitchen in Brooklyn, the first year that I lived there.
And I was dating this guy. And he was on my laptop while I was cooking him dinner. Pick around, give him a little peck on the cheek. What do I see on my laptop? He's on Tinder. How serious is this relationship? We've been dating since. Who's on Tinder on a laptop?
Is it even available like that? Yeah, it is not as fun on the browser. What? Using the mouse to move to the right.
Oh my God. I say, what the fuck? He says, apologizes, like, oh my God, I'm doing it for my ego because I like the ego boost. I say, that doesn't make it better.
OK, dinner's in the trash. You can go. So we break up.
Next day, I wake up, open my front door, birds are chirping.
I'm like, OK, let's meet up. We can talk this out, maybe. I get, like, whatever. So he comes over. I'm like, you cannot come in. Like, we're going to talk on the stoop, like New Yorkers, proper New Yorkers.
So I'm having a cigarette, and I say, we're breaking up, obviously. We're not together.
His totally sane response, obviously, is a very sane, stable person, as you can tell from going on Tinder on a laptop. He says, I love you, will you marry me?
No. Oh, God. Stop.
He says that I'm like, I'm like. And she said, yeah. Yeah. And now we're married.
I scoff, flick my cigarette as I go like this to move it. As he goes in for a hug, the cigarette grazes his eye.
Oh, God. And he says, ow. And then we do break up.
But he didn't have to go to the hospital or anything? He didn't have to go to the hospital. But I think it did burn a little bit of his eyebrow off. Honestly, maybe if you would have had to spend seven hours in the ER with him, it would have worked out.
All right. That is a crazy story. And that is a point for Raf. Congratulations. Congrats. Thank you. I appreciate that. Next question.
Who had their driver's license photo taken while still in their Halloween costume? That's Ryan.
Why?
I think you would do it just for a goof. And what, you think Ryan's the only funny one of us? No, no, no, no, no. I think whoever did that, they did that for their first driver's license. I'm just wondering if they let you.
That's what I was just about to say. They looked at the rules and were like, oh, what can I do? It was like, oh, I can go in and in anything. And yeah, I think that's what happened. That's cool. I'm like, that's fun.
So I'm thinking like, because there do have to be rules. Like, you can't come as like the Wicked Witch of the West.
Right. We're thinking like, where? Well, it's up to the states. And you're from Maryland? Yeah. OK, yeah. I think Maryland has its own thing. Y'all got that. No.
Maryland's like an in-between place. It's not the North. It's not really the, it's kind of the South, but not really. It's, yeah, yeah, y'all are weird.
All right, let's get those guesses in. Raph, who do you think did this? Oh, I think it's Ryan. Ryan, who do you think did this?
Or Vic. Damn. No, I've been doing the Vic strat, and that has not been working for me. No, guess me. OK, Vic. Vic, who do you think? Ryan. Wow. Carolyn, who do you think had their driver's license photo taken while in Halloween costume? I was going to say Vic, but their strategy of saying Ryan so quickly, I'm now not sure, is faking me out.
I'm going to go. Do it.
I just fell for this.
Oh, god. Ryan. Will the person who had their driver's license photo taken while still in their Halloween costume please take a sip of their drink? No, it's not me. It is me. Oh, man.
That was really good. Oh, that's good.
I'm not too shut. I'm sure it was Vic, because that really has big theme park energy. Actually, we're in a fight now.
I went as Walter White for Halloween. This was in college. And it was not as fun as I. No. So unfortunately, it doesn't read as Walter White as much as it does domestic terrorist. Yeah, when were you on January 6th? No, this was the thing. I was off at college. I was like, life is here, not at home. And it was Halloween, and I went as Walter White.
I was like, I'm going to commit, shave my head. And then got a call from my folks being like, hey, your license is almost expired. This is not intentional, like, fun. I'm doing a bit thing. It's just like, oh, fuck. Oh, my god. And I had my shaved head, and I was like, OK.
I guess I'm on the no fly list for eight more years.
I like that you went with the smile, though. Oh, yeah, I got to go with the smile.
You can tell he's a sweet boy underneath all the white supremacy. That is points to everyone except for Ryan.
Yeah. Would anyone like to ask for any points? Yeah. No, you can't ask. I would like to ask for a point. I'll think about it for you. Last question. I'll take a point. I'll take one. No. OK, fair enough. Last question.
Who had a bomb squad called because of them? A bomb squad.
Ryan in the last picture. All right, well, I got a confession. A baffling strategy.
I'm just wondering what a context could be that this would be OK. Yeah, no, it wasn't OK. There's no way that it was OK.
But what do you remember? Well, when I was in high school, this is like 2003, there were a lot of bomb threats at my high school. They, you know, it was after 9-11, we were at war. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. But no, there were a lot of bomb threats at my high school because they figured out if they call in a threat, we wanted to do finals.
It was always around finals.
You get school off, you can fake sick, or you can call in a bomb threat. Kids, keep those in mind. You can be a hero for yourself, or you can be a hero for the whole school. Fix eyes, a true horror of what the world has to offer, washing over.
I haven't left my house in 15 years. You didn't study enough for your AP exam, so you got to plan a little bomb. What's up? I wasn't showing up to school anyway, so this is all new to me.
All right, let's get those final, final guesses in. Vic, who do you think had a bomb squad called on them? I feel like maybe Grant. I got to tell you, 9-11 was a crazy bomb. Rafael? I mean, I guess I go with Vic. Ryan? I want to say Raf, because he was talking about calling one in today. He didn't want to do this shoot, and he was going to call in a bomb threat. Carolyn? Ryan, will the person who had a bomb squad called because of them please take a sip of their drink?
Listen, I'm just happy Raf got the vaccine, you know? It's camaraderie with the cows, you know?
You played that so, so well. That was good. Actor! Genuinely heavy. And scene. I, okay, so our eighth grade trip to DC, neighbor to Marilyn. Of course.
We were doing the tour of like all the different museums, and of course we were at the spy museum. I was not like a cool person in middle school or high school or anything like that, and so I was like, oh, I'm going to impress people by buying a bunch of stuff at the spy museum was my plan, and then I was like, and then I'm going to show them off to everybody, and I'll show off all my spy gadgets, and it's going to be super fun. Because it's a spy museum, their whole gimmick is they like just put stuff in like plain brown paper bags, and our next stop was one of the war memorial museums.
So I was like sitting down with my class. I left this brown unmarked bag with like glasses and cameras, like button cameras and a jar of peanut butter that was hollow on the inside, just like in this memorial, and we leave, and then I'm like, oh, no, I forgot my bag. We got to go back. My entire class go back to this museum, at which point the entire thing is roped off, like with the caution tape, and they have called in the bomb squad because somebody has left a very, very suspicious package with items that should not be placed in a bag together in this like this moment of silence room that you go into, so they are sure that somebody is trying to bomb this memorial, but they didn't. It was me, and I got my bag back. And then Shaquille O'Neal pulled over.
All right, that is a point to Raph. It's closing time. Let's look at the final scores. We have Vic with two points. Carolyn with three points. Congratulations. Ryan with five points, and Raph with five points. That means our winners are, don't leave him hanging, our winners are Raph and Ryan. Grant, tell them what they've won.
The prize is a dirty laundry cocktail scent. Hell yeah. Make yourself something nice in that. All right, that's it for dirty laundry. I'm your host, Lily Du, and here's hoping you become a regular. Will the person who lost a nipple climbing a fence, will the pants pisser, caught eating leftovers out of the trash, grew up in a Disney Channel Star's living room, mausoleum hooker-upper, virgin sacrificer, arrested in the middle of their English class, trapped in an amusement park in the middle of the night with an escaped inmate, investigated by the FBI, made a man climax by smashing a lamp to pieces, human body part thief, please take a sip of their drink, please take a sip, take a sip, a sip, sip of their drink, take a big ol' sip of their drink. We would still be friends after this.
Whoa! Let's start lying. Oh no! No way, you son of a biscuit. You were in high school?
Oh my gosh. That was fucked up. Very satisfying. Yeah, I did it. I did it. That is a dirty laundry first. You have sort of a graveyard energy. Oh my gosh.
Probably 24 inches. 24 inches?
I don't believe you. I'm doing it from the table. Oh! Thanks, everyone! All these secrets are disgusting. Eat my ass, Brennan. I want to live behind the paywall with you. Well, dang, welcome to the Krusty Ho Club. Oh my God.
I've got a cup of coffee, I'm changing my tampon. Everybody's getting real quick drinks. Chipotle brown derby. Spike to apple cider. Celery margarita. I'm super drunk right now.
So what if it was me? I have secrets about everyone. I'm so bad at this! |
dropout | when_sex_is_lethal | And that's when I finally bred this, a plant that can feel pain!
Can we just have a normal detention this week? Oh, where's the fun in that? If you don't like my detentions, then stay out of trouble! Why are you here anyway? This fucking fascist school is punishing me for distributing condoms and promoting safe sex.
Whoa! Mindy's talking about sex! Oh, sex! Everyone shut the fuck up! See, this is the problem.
Sex is a beautiful, natural thing. Oh, for humans sure. But for many other animals, sex is a nightmare of disfigurement and pain.
Wait, don't! What's that? You wanna learn more? No, come on! Okay! Everyone, get in! I'm not gonna walk into some magical pussy. I'll do it. Come on, this'll be fun!
This is the anti-kites. A more stupial rodent from Australia.
He's about to have his first mating season. Virgin!
Oh, gee, yeah. I guess I am. But not for long, but oh, geez, yeah.
Don't listen to them. Sex doesn't have to be this big, scary thing.
Oh, boy! My date!
You've got this. Just listen and be patient. Oh, you won't have to worry about that.
These fuckers get made for up to fourteen hours straight! Fourteen hours?! I'm not even awake that long.
What's happening? No one knows what they're doing their first time.
This is also his last time. He gets only one chance to mate in his entire life, so his body is devoting all its resources to fuck you. His veins are coursing with a cocktail of testosterone and stress hormones, which make his fur fall out. Anything not devoted to mating will shut down. He'll bleed internally. His immune system will stop fighting off infections. He'll get gangrene. For the next three weeks, he will do only two things. Slowly dissolve in the marsh and fuck! So, he's a mindless sex zombie?
Yes. Like Brett. Yes! This is fucking hot.
Hey, I heard screaming, so I thought, I should definitely come in. Run, bitch, run!
God, that's horrible. And the same thing is happening to every other male out there. Whoa, so he dies from fucking too much? So then, all the men are dead.
That's right! Nice. Oh, you kids are freaks. Now everyone, get back in the pussy! If you like that episode of WTF 101, I have good news.
There's way more of it on Dropout. Dropout is a new premium ad-free, uncensored comedy platform from College Humor. Go to Dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
I would, but I'm dead. Who wanna see? Although, I am having a lot of trouble picturing. |
Wizards_with_Guns | what_does_a_brown_colored_lightsaber_mean_sith_or_jedi | Here we are! Two opposing yet equal forces! One light, one dark, symbolizing the struggle that Jedi and Sith have witnessed for eons, but always to end in the draw, for the balance!
He's not a Jedi, he just killed our ally. I think I know a Jedi when I see one. Clearly that's a Jedi. Are you talking about his lightsaber color? Among other things. What, like his big evil horns? Forgive me fellow Jedi. My Padawan, he's still in training. Remember the rhyme, Danakin. Blue or green, they're on the team. That's not even his lightsaber!
Look! This is... I have failed you, Danakin! Oh my... I always knew there was darkness in you. I just said this was his!
My lightsaber is right... Good thinking, Master Jedi. It could have killed us both. Lightsaber color doesn't always show what side of the Force you're on.
Yes it does. Thank you!
Did you not hear how evil his voice is? Bullying the way of the Sith. Classic Sith. Okay, Jedi Master, tell me this.
What's your name? My name? Yeah, you're on the Jedi Council, right? So, what's your name? Um... Yes, I'm curious. What is your name?
It's, um... My name is, um... It's... Dar...
Dart. Dart?
Are you kidding me? Stand back, Master Dart, or he'll do to you what he did to the Grand Master. You know I didn't kill the Grand Master! Oh, okay, sure. So he did it? No, it... Oh.
Well, who is that? I don't know. I thought you knew. Is he with you? Uh, not sure. Uh, there's still no fucking clue.
See? Color is important. No, it... Excuse me, are you a Jedi or... Oh! Ah! What? What is it? I, uh... I think it smells. What?
How is that possible? Oh, yeah, it definitely has a smell. Oh, it's got a little give to it, too.
Alright, I've seen enough. Ah! Well done, Master Dart. You've eliminated the Sith that killed the Grand Master. A trade! By a Jedi!
Oh my gosh, you guys! I just had like the weirdest trea- God dammit! Who the fuck is he?
Hey guys, thanks for watching. This sketch took forever to make, so please throw this video a like, and if you haven't yet, consider subscribing. Thank you!
You've slain Grand Master Gobus! Hahahaha! You face... shit! |
dropout | how_to_tell_if_you_re_a_basic_bitch | Good morning, you two. Good morning.
Got your results back. I'm sorry, but the test was positive. You're a basic bitch. Doctor, there has to be a mistake. Well, unfortunately, no. Your symptoms are completely in line with other basic bitches.
You're into scented candles. You order your bagel scooped. Then you own a picture frame that says family on it.
It's my fault she's a basic bitch. I gave you that friend's box set for Christmas. Actually, she's been basic for quite some time now. Lucy, do you have any idea when maybe you first came in contact with all this basic shit? I guess, uh, in college, I owned a pair of sweatpants that said sexy on the butt. Probably contracted your basic bitchness from the sorority sister.
Borrow some mug boots here and there. Experiment with North Face.
Yeah. You basic.
Yeah, it's getting worse. Here you are at a Halloween party four years ago. I'm dressed as a slutty nurse. That's some unoriginal ratchet shit right there. But, uh, at least you know how to have fun.
Two years later, you're tweeting about Starbucks. Hashtag Cafe. Where did you come up with that? And finally, we caught this during an Instagram check this morning.
Yeah. That's a foot tattoo of your astrological sign. I don't mean to be so sensitive. It's a Pisces thing. If not treated properly, this could escalate the full-blown sex in the city-themed brunches. Yeah. Doctor, is it possible that I could contract her basicness? Gerald. What?
I have a bad bitch reputation to uphold. You should be fine as long as you use protection. If she's watching Teen Mom or say yes to the dress, I'd recommend that you distract yourself. Open a book, browse the Internet, anything to prevent you from taking in that basic ass shit. Is there any possibility of a full recovery? Could I ever someday be a bad bitch? The best I can do is prescribe something that will help minimize your basic bitch symptoms. You'll never be a bad bitch.
But with the proper treatment, you won't be so basic that you're posting pictures of you and your girls in Vegas with the caption, What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas. We know what happened in Vegas. You got drunk and you danced with each other.
I'm sorry. I'll give you two minutes. Hey. We are stronger than this, okay?
I am with you 100%. You are so sweet. I feel like I'm in love, actually. I want to divorce you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_21_8_19_special_george_pell_news_bulletin_edition | You're joined today as always by myself editor Clancy Overall and of course editor at large Errol Parker. How are you Errol? Not bad man, how are you? Good thanks. And of course reading the news is the David Campbell of the Diamantina Shire. Wendell Hussey how are you? Very well thank you Clancy it's been a busy day.
Now we've got a special edition of the Bulletin today with a wrap up of all of the Cardinal George Pell news from the decision that occurred a few hours ago. The first story we broke this morning was... Give it to us, give it to us. What was it? Breaking dirty old pedo to die in prison.
Yes I saw that, that was interesting news this morning, a lot of people the general public would have thought that that was already confirmed but of course he had an appeal that he was waiting on and that's of course what Howard, John Howard, Tony Abbott and Andrew Bolt and Miranda Devine all made it clear that they were waiting on that appeal before they officially condemned Cardinal George Pell for child sex crimes. And they have since in Andrew Bolt's case rejected the findings of the court and basically said that the court's decision doesn't reflect the man. Well it's an interesting take I have to say from Andrew Bolt given the Victorian Court of Appeal upheld the March decision today sentencing the former Cardinal to six years in prison for the abuse of two choir boys in Melbourne in the 1990s. I feel like a lot of work and a lot of time in court, a lot of investigation by police has gone into this but I suppose Andrew Bolt has read all 300 pages from the final report.
Anyway... And Jeff Arthur, one of our top fans commented on that story with quite an interesting point. He said it's all part of God's grand plan for Pell, now he can devote his life to quiet prayers without the temptations of the outside world. What a great result for all concerned, how can Bolt and his special friends question this judgement, don't they believe in God? Interesting, interesting.
Something to think about and immediately following the decision being read out we published a story about Justice Hinch packing up his sniper's nest on roof opposite Supreme Court after Pell fails to walk. Well everyone does know that Darren Hinch is the purveyor of all eternal justice in Australia and I guess Hinch himself was prepared to dish out his own type of justice should Cardinal Pell walk. He was up on the roof opposite the court with his high powered rifle, 338 Lapua Magnum. He was ready, clocked and waiting, luckily he didn't have to do it. Darren Hinch got elected into the Senate on the grounds of defending children from pedophiles and he was worried today that he might not have been able to do that. He reckons he's got a file dating back 50 years on Cardinal Pell which he wasn't allowed to announce even under parliamentary privilege so of course the last resort was to put a bullet through his dime and luckily he didn't have to do that because Pell did not walk today. Yeah, it was great news for Hinch, however the appeal dismissal wasn't such great news for others emotionally involved in the proceeding.
Those at Sky News confirmed that they were really hoping for a couple of Sudanese teenagers to punch on in Melbourne today. Yes, this comes after months of trying to defend a convicted pedophile. Players at Sky News and the Herald Sun have been urged by the lizards that work above them in the editorial department to avoid the Pell case altogether and instead go down to Sunshine on Dandedong and try and look out for some South Sudanese teenagers playing basketball in a hope that a fight might break out that could, given the right camera angle, be presented as gang crime. Yes, every employee at Sky News from the top to the bottom has blood on their hands. Yes, and they've been told if they can't find a bunch of South Sudanese teenagers punching on, go looking for some Muslims that look a bit scary, maybe burqas in banks in post offices and that can also be used as race baiting. News that can crowd out the news cycle as the deeply conservative media networks do their best to pretend the highest ranking catholic figure in Australian history didn't just get sent to prison for the rest of his life for raping kids. But they've been told if neither is possible, no Muslim or gang crime, porters have been told to go look for people with modified streetcars or perhaps shopping centres with too many signs in Chinese. Yes, Craig Bell from our country's most European city left a comment assuring the giant media mogul Rupert Murdoch. He said there's a couple of soccer games on tonight, flares will headline tomorrow, rest easy Murdoch, all will be okay.
Moving on to other parts of the country now and with the Pell appeal dismissed, the real reason behind the anti-abortion protest down in Sydney this week was revealed. Anti-abortion protesters worried Newbill will limit the amount of kids their priests have access to. Yes, thousands of pro-lifers took to the streets last night in Sydney in protest against the decriminalisation of abortion because as one spokesperson said, forcing women to have unwanted children, which can end up in our institutions and homes has been a core business model for us. So we need to stop this bill from happening. Yes, he then went on to say the idea of women having control of their own bodies is very scary, but a dwindling number of children that their priests have access to is far scarier.
Yeah, we'll keep you up to date on how that one unfolds. Now we'll wrap up with some lighter news and we've got a feel-good story to end on, which is, talk about a lucky day, this angler just landed a bluefin with a super valuable ooshie inside it. Yeah, that was a really, really nice story of yours, Wendell. A happy-go-lucky bloke, he called in sick to work, as you do, and decided to go fishing with a friend. As it turned out, he ended up landing a huge tuna, which he cut open, didn't he?
And inside was a super rare ooshie. Mmm, a Simba one. Ooh, that is rare. Fuck me. Ooshies, of course, are the little plastic collectibles from Woolies that are designed to entertain children for a short period of time before ending up in the nation's waterways and have proven to be a hit, with some selling for tens of thousands of dollars. Barnaby Joyce even went as far as selling his super rare blue Mufasa the other night just so he could pay the power bill. So good luck to this particular bloke, who's probably up looking at getting 20k for his little Simba ooshie that he found inside the blue fin.
You'll never know where these things will turn up. Mmm, that'll buy a few new Shimano Stratix. Low drag. A new Seadoo, maybe.
Good luck to him, and on that lighter note, that's all for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to join us again next week for another dose of honest, hard-hitting regional news.
Until then, I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm Clancy Overall. Go and shove a sock down your throat. And I'm Errol Parker. Don't do that. |
cracked | why_the_most_terrifying_movie_alien_isn_t_who_you_think_after_hours | Tom Hardy was tits. Although I was kind of bummed he never murdered that wheezy dick.
Don't spoil it. I haven't actually seen this one yet. You haven't seen it?
How are we going to do our whole thing? I have a thing planned.
That's not the Dan we know. Wait, you think? Think what? That that's not the Dan we know. Maybe somebody body switched with Dan. He was late.
I hate his stomach thing. I always have a stomach thing.
It is wearing glasses. I wear glasses.
Did none of you notice this moment? Did you just call me it?
Sorry, hold him down. I'm going to need a shitload of his blood.
Alright, alright, alright. Everybody, let's just be cool.
Sorry. Pod people have been a real trigger for me ever since I saw the thing as a kid. I had fight contingencies for every member of my family just in case they turned into a head spider monster. The secret is to kick them as hard as you can. Have you guys had nightmares that Wilfer Brimley was hiding under my sink? I'm sorry.
Are we actually going to do this? Are we going to talk about head spiders over food?
Immediately after Michael tried to extract my blood with a blistering fork. I wasn't going to extract your blood with a blistering fork. I was going to dip the fork into your blood like a red hot lick of maid.
For fun dip, whichever candy dipped in candy your region preferred. Then if your blood freaked out, it would be a simple matter of burning this place to the ground so as to quell the grotesque reaping of humanity. I mean at that point anyone could be an infectious head spider monster. That's why you got to dip it to nip it before they spread it. Dip. It wouldn't spread it at all.
Are you even paying attention? Head spider monsters, Dan. Exactly. This isn't some quiet infestation like invasion of the body snatchers. The alien from the thing has to explode and then eat a whole guy to replicate. That's both really time consuming and extremely conspicuous. Wilford Brimley estimates that the whole world will be engulfed in 27,000 hours but that one alien has an entire day to fail at infecting like 10 guys and some dogs. Right. That's because they have a built in warning system. If an outbreak happened in like northern Canada, news would be flooded into the U.S. with these like flesh gummies just going hentai on some mounties. You just stay at the border with a bunch of flamethrowers and thumbtacks. Just poking people. Wow. The aliens and the thing suck at discretion, huh? Yeah, Wilford Brimley's estimates are clearly just drunken jackass fantasy. Don't just say it.
He could be listening. He could be anywhere.
Okay, they are literally built to whack entire planets with a combo of like body horror and an insect-like swarming. Till the predators show up and Orkan man that shit. Team Predator.
Okay, let's pretend for a moment that we live in a world where Predator 2 doesn't exist and the whole alien skull easter egg didn't snowball into a massive franchise. No, I don't want to live in that world. Okay, well in that universe, the moment that a queen alien burst out of Dan's chest, it would have been game over man for the whole human race. I mean, that's why in Alien Resurrection, Ripley would rather crash her ship into the earth than populate it with her ghoul-faced love child.
But we do have predators. He's just that Predator 2 ghoul. I mean, we have Predator drones right now.
What do all the alien films have in common? Mouth sex. They all take place on a dark, secluded ship or space station with a handful of guys that are either outnumbered, outgunned, or both. Take that same fight to earth and suddenly we've got tanks and Predator drones and jets and missiles and most importantly, the goddamn sun. Yeah, the alien would look a lot less menacing if it was just walking across a hot, bright desert. Their mating process is to lug people back to their hive like a bag of dog food so that dick lobster can get it on with their esophagus. That is not efficient. I'm starting to think that the whole body horror alien genre fell apart the moment that we figured out how to napalm people from a desk. Which is why Predators are the clear winners. They have ships, they've got shoulder cannons, they've got cloaking devices, their wrists explode, plus they've got those face mandibles. That's body horror, brute strength, and superior technology. Except they always lose.
Ian, you're being a real thick stick in the mud right now. A real thick one. Mud that can be used to outsmart Sorin's precious predators.
Hey, they are everyone's precious predators. They belong to the world. Face it, every Predator film is about one or two of their guys hunting us for sport with all the technology in the universe and yet they still end up dead. They're like the rich, idiot, trophy hunting dentists of space. Come to think of it, they won't even attack unless you pose a threat. Hey, what are you doing? Team Predator? No, he's right, they're conservationist hunters. They're interested in just capturing a few people, not taking over the world. If they came here, they'd only bag and tag like three people, maybe, because they're actually terrible hunters, and then they leave. This is malurky. You're supposed to be Team Predator. You are supposed to be Team... not... well, certainly not naysay.
So what's yours? What's your big, terrible nightmare alien? I mean, the obvious one. Which obvious one?
The classic horror film, E.T. E.T.? The extraterrestrial? Yeah, I had to go to therapy because of that movie. You did? Yeah, my parents made me watch it when I was ten. No. Ten! Can you even imagine? I had to fast forward through most of it. Okay, wait. Just so we're all clear, you had to go to therapy over a film about... Have you guys seriously not seen E.T.? The movie about the crab-fingered alien on a recon mission to harvest Earth? He spends most of the movie brainwashing a kid to do his bidding while he sucks out his life force. Is any of this ringing a bell? Oh, my God.
He's right. Of course he's right.
Did you not see? No, you're the end.
There's a scene when E.T. and Elliot are psychically linked and dying and E.T. just releases him mentally and then Elliot gets better while E.T. gets sicker. Right. Because he's siphoning his soul like some kind of space chupacabra. All right. Wait. Back up. Because it's been a while for me. So E.T. has a psychic link with Elliot in that movie? Yeah.
Which he uses to project his will and emotions on Elliot. He literally puppets him like a marionette when Elliot's at school. Wow. It's really lucky that he was standing in front of her at the time. E.T. could have made him belly kiss his principal or something. Or brainwash Elliot into loving him, helping him phone home, and then bringing him to his ship so he can fast-track the sixth extinction.
Really? Though E.T.? The little alien guy? The poop goblin with a ride at Universal Studios? Why would he want to invade the Earth? Well, have you been on that ride? It's like a fear conveyor. The whole premise is that E.T.'s home planet is dying. Which is why they're collecting plants at the beginning of the movie, Good God.
Wait. Hold on.
The ride at Universal Studios clearly shows that the species is peaceful. Not to mention the fact that E.T. has no reason to hate Earth.
Other than all the cops running at him with shotguns. They changed those to walkie-talkies in the later release of the film. Then they're just teasing him. Hey, E.T., we can phone home whenever we feel like it. And Elliot's older brother and his friends are kind of dickbags.
Do it, Mike. We have to. Yeah, and he gets sick and starts dying because his entire stay at Earth is fueled by a combination of candy and beer. Make no mistake. If the E.T. aliens need a replacement planet, you can bet your ass they're coming after our asshole rock. Then we would just army the shit out of them. Whatever. Would we? Or would they, with a flick of their gross fingers, lift our entire military into the searing mesosphere? Boy, you have thought about this a lot. They wouldn't even have to.
They could brainwash our children from orbit. That's a lot more discreet than the alien from The Thing. Oh, God. E.T. heals aliens' wounds and breathes life back into flowers. For all we know, they could will someone to die or raise their dead like white walkers. They're telekinetic. They have psychic abilities, Wolverine-style healing powers, and they can make complex interdimensional communication devices out of our fucking garbage. Not to mention Jedi powers.
Remember? In the Star Wars prequels, there's a group of aliens in the Senate who are clearly E.T.s. I don't know. I think that was just a throwaway easter egg.
I mean, in E.T., there's a scene where he's showing E.T. all of his Star Wars toys. E.T. recognizes Yoda in the Halloween scene. They pass a kid who dresses Yoda, and E.T. starts frantically running towards him like he's seeing an old friend.
That means they exist in the Star Wars universe and the universe in which Star Wars was created, which means their species can travel interdimensional through space and time, right? Like the aliens from Crystal Skull? Just movies, buddy. I think we've opened up a really deep scab here. Who'd say they can't leave their movie and travel into our world? They're basically quantum aliens. Alien test!
How?! What the hell?! Which you pass.
This is just because I haven't seen The Revenant? Tom Hardy's like so good in it, though.
Right? That's what I was saying. Although I am sad that he didn't murder that wheezy dirtbag. Yeah, see, right there.
I think maybe you and I watch movies differently. I feel like we breezed right past him burning me just now. I've given you some pretty sick burns in the past, and we just glossed over it.
This is... this is... What are we doing?! Hey, everybody.
Thank you so much for watching whatever that video was. We hope you enjoyed it. We here at Cracked have been nominated for two Webby Awards. Best humor website and online video channel, which you are watching right now. So if you could go to the links in the description and vote for us both times, that would be amazing. We have until April 21st. Do it now. Thank you!
USA! |
cracked | 5_biggest_mistakes_in_john_wick_chapter_4_cinemistakes | What's up everybody, you already know who it is. It's your boy, Steven Spielberg, back with another episode of Cinema Sticks. The show where we take some of Hollywood's hottest films and we absolutely skewer them. That's, yeah, they're going on the skewer stick. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Today, we're talking about John Wick 4. And a lot of people are saying, oh, Steven, you can't skewer, you can't do it because pretty much 99% of your personality is built off John Wick and you love him. You can't skewer John Wick, well, guess what?
It's going on the skewer stick for better or for worse. Ha, tss, tss, tss, it's going on the skewer stick. Ha, tss, tss, tss, tss.
These are the top five things that are wrong with the fourth John Wick movie. Number one, John Wick's not dead. Spoiler alert, in the movie, at the end, you see John Wick in a grave, he's not dead.
You can't kill the goat, okay? The goat's not dead.
You're lying, you're a liar. You gotta be kidding me. Are you kidding me? You gotta be joking. That's Cap, you're goofing around, you're messing with me, you're lying, you're a goddamn liar, you're lying at your ass right now. You're capping, you're a capper.
Are you pulling my chain? Are you yanking my chain? Are you doing stuff to my chain?
You're sound, you're telling lies. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lie, that's you right now. Plud Hole identified, he's not dead, far from that, he's actually alive, the opposite of dead, probably living somewhere with about 47 dogs.
The second reason why the fourth John Wick movie makes absolutely no sense is that why would the producers allow John Wick to die? Okay, let's say hypothetically, I'm making a movie about John Wick and I've made four of them and at the end I decide to kill John Wick. Hypothetically, I'm a goddamn idiot. It's the stupidest idea I've ever heard and quite frankly, I'm annoyed by it and I've actually passed annoyed and I moved on to perturbed and angry as hell and pissed off. You wanna know something?
Before I saw John Wick, I was working at a DQ grill and chill. And after I saw John Wick, I was a manager at the same DQ grill and chill and that's the kind of upward mobility that John Wick gave to me. My life went like this. It took us 37 movies to kill James Bond and we only got four John Wick movies before he keeled over and died.
That makes no sense, it's stupid. It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Plot hole identified, killing the main character of your movies is a dumbass idea and I'm pissed off, actually. The third reason why this movie makes absolutely no sense is, look, what do I have to do to unkill John Wick?
I've opened all options here, I've been thinking about it a lot. Yeah, maybe I'm being unreasonable before.
Maybe I haven't done enough to keep John Wick going. What can I do to get John Wick 5? Honestly, I'll take one more movie. If you can give me one more movie, I'm good. John Wick 5, that's a good number.
That's how many fingers you have on your hand. I've got a 401K with three grand in it that I can cash out right now and I'll donate to production. Honestly, I'll start a GoFundMe. I can get a bunch of my friends together. We can put together probably like six or 700 bucks. We're already on our way right there. That's probably like, what, 20% of the budget at that point?
Look, all I'm asking for is one more six hour John Wick movie. You know, what do we have to, do we need to Jason X John Wick, bring him back as a cyborg or something? Plot hole identified, I need John Wick 5 to happen and I'm do whatever I need to do to make that work.
The number four reason why, whatever, maybe he's dead, I'm thinking about it a lot. Seems to make a lot of sense, you know?
The writers kept saying it, that a cycle of death has to end with him. Where's it gonna end? Everyone's asking him, where's it gonna end? And it seems like it does have to end with him. You know, he's got to die.
What's the point of it then? Ever since I've been thinking about it, I don't feel like doing anything else. I've already used like two of my sick days at my job, the DQ grill and chill. I don't know when I'm gonna go back in there, but what's the point? If he is dead, then what's the point of it all, right?
They got suicide girls in the movie manning the phones. I might as well be a suicide boy after this. What's the point in life if I can't watch a guy on screen kill more people than I've ever met or will ever meet and make me feel better about myself? I'm deader inside than John Wick is. Honestly, plot hole identified. What's the point? The fifth reason why this movie makes absolutely no sense is, you know what? No more John Wick, no more John Wick.
Maybe that's something that I have to be okay with. I've had a lot of John Wick in my life. I've had four movies. I built my whole personality around it. Now I have a personality. I didn't have one before and maybe it's over now and that's fine.
And if this is the last time that I saw John Wick, so be it. It was an amazing time. The friend circle fight was amazing. Overhead fight scenes and the dragon's breath, shooting stuff, that shit, that was sick. More like John Wick, more like John Sick, right? You got all kinds of new characters in it. You got Donnie Yen crushing it. John Wick defeating the high table once and for all. I mean, this movie was amazing. I mean, if this is the last time I see John Wick, maybe this is great. Maybe it's okay for me to just love John Wick for the time that I had with him and appreciate it. John Wick gave us eight and a half hours of ass kicking.
And you know what? That's amazing. They're ending on a high note and it's one of the best action movies. You know what? This is one of the best action movies ever made.
This movie has helped me learn a lot and grow. John Wick allowed me to be a manager at a DQ grill and chill. He allowed me to learn basics of self-defense. John Wick raised me better than my dad ever did, okay? My dad has been too busy raising tall sons in Tampa to raise me, but John Wick was there for me when he wasn't.
I know I said that this movie makes absolutely no sense, but I'm changing it. I'm changing my mind. I'm giving this movie five stars. It's going off this viewers' deck. Hi, zit, zit, zit, zit, zit, zit.
We love you, John Wick. I love you, John Wick. You and I left a good life behind a long time ago, my friend. This has been Cinema Stakes, John Wick chapter four, five stars. If I could give it 10 million stars, I would. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_drunk_uncle_on_why_he_hates_halloween_snl | Well, friends, Halloween and families around the country are getting ready for parties and trick-or-treating. Here with his thoughts is our own drunk uncle. Happy Halloween! I'm sorry. you can't even say, it's all Hallows' Eve anymore. you gotta call it all Hallows' Steve. I don't think you do. So, drunk Uncle, you say you're ready for Halloween? Halloween is socialism, Colin! these kids today, they don't even work hard jobs no more. you know, when I was a kid, we were shoeshines, chimneys, sweeps, extra, extra paper boys. you know, nowadays, it's just, excuse me, can you instacart me some mochi? What? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, can you minecraft my metaverse, please? No, you be real. All right, well, so I guess you're not excited for Halloween?
Tom was too good for Giselle! Okay, all right, okay, all right, okay, all right. what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you- Tiktok dance, eh. Tiktok dance, Okey-kokey, mop-a-pop, okey-kokey, Tiktok dance. you like it.
I do, I do. the whole country's falling apart, Colin! Okay? everybody's quiet quitting now. quiet quitting? they're quiet quitting. Excuse me, I quit. Excuse me, I quit. we used to quit loud because they hired a lady manager and we were scared. and also a few, a couple of those immigrantes, Ilagado, if you know what I mean. yeah, I think. you don't know? I think you know. it's-a me, a Chris-a-prat-a.
First, not my Mario. Oh. Trunk, Trunk Uncle. yeah, I was there on January 6th. what? oh. take me home tonight and shame me, meep. Oh. oh, no, oh, Trunk Uncle. so I can't lie. a wild crocodile, Okay? So I didn't graduate from Abbot Elementary, Okay? So I'll never be beyond burgers, Okay? Never. Big Mac Mcdeer, a quarter pounder with some cheese filet, a fish, a hamburger, a cheeseburger, a happy meal, Jfk.
Blown away. What else do I have to say? that's Not me. Yeah, I don't think that's anyone. Donda. No. Donda. you don't have to talk about Kanye. Oh, yes, I most certainly do, Karen, Okay? I've been listening to a whole lot of what he has to say. Oh, no. okay, and guess what? I think he might be crazy. you know, that kind of talk doesn't fly anymore, Seth.
I learned a lot during the pandemic. I learned a lot during the pandemic more, Okay?
I did the work. sure. I know that Black Adams matter. No. Okay, I saw bros in theaters, pal. okay, and no homo, it was great. Okay, I said it before, and I'll say it again. gay guys are still funnier than women. Oh, okay, okay, okay, all right. knock, knock.
Who's there? Elon. Elon? Who? I don't know, but he just made me Ceo of Twitter. drunk uncle, everyone. I am Bumpy Park! |
dropout | finally_a_female_killer_ch_shorts | What do you got for me, Davies?
Triple homicide. The victims' wounds perfectly match what we saw last month in Columbus. We got a serial killer on our hands. Whoever did this is one sick fuck who wanted to see his victims tortured. When we find this asshole, I'm gonna make sure he pays.
She pays. What are you saying, Davies? She pays, Detective. We have strong evidence to suggest the killer is a woman. Really? Surveillance footage clearly shows a female figure. Shit.
Yeah, now we have a lot of work to do. Do you think maybe we should head back?
This is the goddamn coolest lady in the world. I'm sorry, Detective. I know, I know. It's terrible what she did, but it's just kinda like, damn. You go, girl.
What?
Serial killing is such a male-dominated field. What a serious blow to that glass ceiling. I don't think that's what we should be focusing on now. I know.
What she did is unforgivable. She must be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Why are you smiling, Detective? Sorry, it's just I've been waiting my whole career for this. This is very inspiring for little girls everywhere.
A serial killer is not a good role model for children. No, of course not. She's a psychopath. She needs to be locked up. Yes, definitely.
Can you imagine the movie they're gonna make about her one day? Oh my God, I hope they get Jennifer Lawrence to play me.
Fifteen totally innocent men die. Do you have no sympathy for the victims if they're men?
Of course I do. God, I'm not gonna be able to sleep until she's caught.
But just like, come on, totally innocent? Yeah, right. What does that mean? I just mean they're men. You know, how innocent are they? Detective! Never mind. Look, you're right.
This is a horrific crime. It's indefensible. Not a single one of those men deserve this.
Yes. Now we have work to do. But this is great. What? Not as an act, but for women. I mean, we're really breaking through barriers right now. Detective! I'm a disturbed person. We need to find this monster as quickly as possible.
But how many female serial killers can you name? Because I can only name like two.
Do I need to remind you that she hung her victims up from the ceiling with their intestines? That is the most villainous thing I have ever heard in my entire life. But wow. I mean, can you imagine the upper body strength she has to lift up these men? We have a job to do. You are enjoying this way too much. Look, I fully grasp how appalling she is, but damn it, Davies. I'd be lying if I said I didn't dream of a world where both men and women were constantly afraid. And not just women.
Detective, we have her on the line. You better talk to us. Wait, a woman named Detective?
Yeah. I'm so glad. I'm so glad you noticed. You go, girl. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
dropout | hardly_working_sarah_s_birthday | Ready, and open! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Isn't it? What's wrong with you guys?
I am so embarrassed. I can't remember how the song goes. Yeah, I know. Me too. I completely forgot the words.
What? Are you serious?
Yeah, I know it goes like, ba-da-da, but I can't remember. No, no, it's like, happy ba-da-da. I lost it. I feel like happy is not the first word. Of course it is. It's happy bird.
Stop, stop. You're messing me up. I had it and I forgot it.
Birthday, birthday candles on your cake, babe. Your bubble butt's split and it's your motherfucking birthday, motherfucking- You're older than you were before, sha-da-da-da-da-da.
Okay, so this is just making me sad. Alright, everyone shut up for a second. Okay, but just clear our heads. I think it'll come to us.
Baby, it's your birthday. We hope it's not the worst day. Not in the world. Sarah Schneider, today is your birthday. We read so on Facebook. We want to make this the most special birthday ever. Okay, what the fuck are you guys doing? That's not the birthday song.
This is the worst birthday ever. Wow, I feel really bad.
What should we do? There's only one thing we can't do.
I love the birthday song. |
dropout | scarlett_johansson_s_nude_voicemails | Welcome, crack, to the celebrities' skin-washed smut-butt leak-down! A few weeks back, her spicy nikki pics made our schlongazords go bang-bang! Now ScarJo's phone's been hacked again! This time, the hacker benefactor jacked her super-secret nude voicemails!
Hey, I just thought this would make you laugh. Just now, I was about to get into the shower and I accidentally dropped my towel in the toilet. I am such a space case. Boner Jones! ScarJo hasn't sounded this naked in years. Hey babe, could you pick up a box of cat litter on your way back? I haven't put any clothes on yet, so I figured you could save me the trip. The kind that clumps up when they pee, okay? Thanks, bye! Booch my gooch! Did you hear those tits?
Hey mom, I'm gonna be 15 minutes late to the Olive Garden. My pants are still in the dryer and I have to iron my shirt, but my iron's taking forever to heat up. Crouchy mochi! And listen carefully to Scarlet's sweet bear buns in this yummy soundbite. Hey guys, I'm just checking in to see if we're still on for guacamole night. I made a lot of guacamole and it's starting to get brown, so just checking in, bye!
We can't prove it, but she was probably not wearing clothes there either.
That's it from ScarJo, horn doggies! But we also broke into Mila Kunis' apartment, picked up her landline, and recorded the result so you can spank your wiener to her dial tone! Thanks for watching! |
cracked | the_worst_fantasy_football_team_ever_drafted | And there it is, ladies and gentlemen, your home team, the Callilling Fields. Boo! You're too good! It's not fun for us! Why are your fans booing you? I don't even know how they are. They love an underdog story, I can't possibly please them.
How'd your team turn out? Pretty good, maybe. I think I'm getting the hang of how this fancy stuff works. Good. I'm proud of you. And you didn't make one Quaffler Golden Snitch joke the entire draft. I still can. So who'd you get? Well, I remember what you said about how you sort of have to solve the equation of your team and how it's not like, you don't rack up the points for your players, it's more about solving for the weaknesses of who you're going to play that week. Can I say that? God, I am the best.
Suffice it to say this equation solved. You might even call it the final solution. Mmm, don't call it that. Oh, you did. You did call it Cody's Final Solution.
Yeah, I wanted a name that would strike fear into the hearts of my enemies. Wait a second. Fendi Onabun, Legadunani, Ventilich Cody, I don't know who half these guys are. Yeah, I was surprised they were ranked so low.
Or I try to, mostly. As many as I can find. Philip Superna. Nice. Super. You know? I also got some Wizards and Warlocks in there to even things out. Your Arsenos. Your Lionhearts. Liner. Got a Gryphon. Oh, good.
You got RG3. Well, maybe you won't lose every week, then. RG3?
Sounds like a droid. Useless in a battle. Gonna try to get rid of him. Wait a second. Chase Deadder from the Titans? Yeah, it's the closest I could get to, like, a White Walker.
Do me a favor? Yeah, sure. Can you tell anyone else in the league how you picked your team? Sure. Thank you. Oh, come on.
Winter is coming? It is! Yeah! Ooh!
I'm cracked.com for Michael Swain, doing my classic Michael movements. Come and subscribe to our channel for jokes upon jokes upon jokes upon jokes and japes and jokes. Swain out! |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_The_Birds | Let's take a look at The Birds, the classic that solidified Alfred Hitchcock as a master of the horror genre. It's a frightening film, but one perhaps most notable for the terror that took place behind the scenes, as the famously demanding director used intimidation and psychological torture to ensure that his birds gave the performance of a lifetime. Throughout filming, Hitchcock reportedly did everything he could to keep his avian cast on edge. Usually abusing them, ruthlessly forcing them to do endless reshoots, even on one occasion grabbing a platter of fish off the catering table and flinging it at a seagull that wasn't screeching convincingly enough. This bird, for example, was so unnerved by the tyrannical Hitchcock's belittling tirades that it chewed off a large patch of plumage from its breast just a day into shooting. In fact, by the time the movie wrapped, many distraught birds refused to leave their cages entirely, and few of the birds ever appeared in films again. So traumatized were they by the behavior of the notorious Alfred Hitchcock. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
TheOnion | Tim_Wakefield_Admits_Knuckleball_Just_Fastball_He_Throws_Very_Slowly | I don't care about it, but some people do let's shut up and talk with one of those weirdos OSN baseball analyst Jim Ridgeway. Hey Kenny. Hey Doc. Keep it to yourself. Don't condescend to us. All right guys.
The Yankees had a tremendous season, but you wrote an OSN magazine that A-Rod's advancing agent injuries might limit his ability to be a limelight hogging social moron. Still seems like a dick to me. A-Rod is one of the most selfish jerk offs the game has ever seen. But as he ages, he can no longer screw up in an elite lineup. A-Rod's got enough left in the idiot tank to demand a new ridiculous contract or start taking steroids again. Event stats say A-Rod is far behind his moronic false step production of the mid 2000s, hardly drawing any attention to himself for kissing mirrors and having himself painted as a center. Baseball is a game of slumps.
You can't have your banshee celebrity girlfriend feed you popcorn every day. This is a guy who used to get photographed shirtless in the park. Now the best he can do is jaywalk while holding too many shopping bags. His jackass remains out, you're fixated.
The Red Sox collapse is complete and many people are blaming Tim Wakefield after the pitcher admitted there's no such thing as a knuckleball. It's just a fastball he throws very slowly. Wakefield said, I just floated up there and let everyone imagine that it's moving. It's how a child would throw it or an old woman. A 44 year old man wants to play in a big league, so he makes up a magic bench. He's a liar and he should be thrown in jail. But I understand it shows the ball just lollipops in there, then sort of drops mainly due to gravity pulling down after Wakefield admitted the knuckleball was a hoax.
The Yankees scored 45 runs off him without making an out. They had this is not in the Jim Ridgeway show last thing the Orioles have been eliminated, but they're making some hay. OSN Baltimore is reporting manager book show Walter is asking that the O's be given the wild card for trying their best and giving their own. Walter admitted that it was a long shot, but like he said, maybe the league makes an exception just because they played so gosh darn hard. Silly did concede that the O's were adorable and that he considered betting the rules and giving them a second wild card or maybe the NOS title. Oh come on, the Astros have been hunger striking for months, begging for the division title. They're putting in the work. The O's just wanted for free.
You know what? I don't care about the Orioles. Love that ballpark, though. They should give that the wild card. And don't worry, guys. Baseball is almost over. I'll be glad when it's one game a night that you can choose to watch or not. No decision in life should be more complicated than a light switch. I'm with you, kiddies.
Shut up, Rick Way! You're a propagating fraud and human emotion and it is sickening! Don't you ever make me agree with Dr. Z! |
dropout | in_defense_of_puns | I'm just saying, if you're a vegetarian, that means you can't wear leather. Are you sure your opinion can't be... suede?
Oh, god. Boo! No!
It's on your back! Alright, alright, we get it. You're so smart because you don't like puns. You've donned your cloak of superiority to disguise your enjoyment. But now, disguise! Gonna set you straight.
Puns are delightful. They're like conversational candy. And sure, too many can rot your tweets. But they're by no means a textual assault punishable by... Shakespeare's plays... We're off and on words.
Tomorrow, you will find me a grave man. Get it? I'm being serious, but also I'm dying.
And even though puns get a bad rap, you get them in good rap. Too many vocals on your team. That's why your wins, love. They're characters from Family Matters. Even the name of the Beatles, the most famous band is a pun. Happiness is a warm pun. So why do you want to fight about puns?
Is it because they have a dual meaning? Do you look down on them because they work on another level? Are you homo-fonic?
I actually don't know if that one works. But I'll take it. Okay.
Fact is, when you were a kid, you probably liked puns. But then one day, some older, shittier person came along and told you... Punning is the lowest form of wheat. And that was the moment that you truly became a grown-up. I don't get it. Grown? Like, G-R-O-A-N? Grown, like the sound when someone makes a pun. Also an adult. Whatever.
I had fun. More importantly, though, how fun is it when you get to make a pun?
Watch this. Oh, you're gluten-free? Really going against the grain. Guess that's a wrap on sandwiches. Pasta la vista, baby. Girl with the gluten snafu. At yeast, you can still eat brown rice dough.
Yes!
So the next time you have a pun in the oven... Oh, yeah. And declare you're into puns. Mm-hmm. Because your body is a Punderland. Ooh, I heard that. So have...fun. I said fun. Whatever. We were all thinking it. All right. Let's try this again. Are you sure your opinion can't be... suede? Boo! That's funny. You know what? This is actually the best part.
Bring it on! Bring on the punishment!
I love it! |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.