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TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_Does_It_Again_A_Social_Media_Nip_And_Tuck_A_Politician_Off_To_Court_More_November_5 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin, recording live here in downtown Batutah, Desert Rock FM studios, you're joined by myself Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, we've got Errol Parker here, editor at large, hello Errol. Hello mate, how you going? Well Silly Season's officially commenced, it starts at Melbourne Cup and it finishes on Australia Day, two highly contentious dates in the Australian calendar and I guess when they both disappear we won't have a silly season anymore, which I look forward to, to be honest. We're also joined here by Wendell Hussey, the news reader, the cadet, how are you Wendell? Yeah really good thanks, bit of an altercation down in the French Quarter with my barista this morning but all good, I reckon we'll be seeing a Sky News program about the death of the Silly Season. Yeah right. I might drag that one out. Well hang on, is that why the cops were here this morning?
Yes they were but to be fair he escalated that whole thing and I was, as a hot-blooded Australian male I was forced to act. And now his organs are on their way to go into Clancy's violets. I'm not allowed to speak, I've been told not to speak about it anyway. He's finally getting his new heart and lungs Clancy.
As a millennial you might be able to afford a house now that you're on bad terms with your fucking barista mate down there buying coffee. International roast for me coming up, now we should start off on that story because it's been one of the biggest ones of the week and heading over to Glasgow a headline that reads, report, of course he managed to somehow fuck up this submarine deal. It's been quite a week for the Prime Minister, he headed off to Roma and then, that's Rome for you know, you are cultured types and he was also in Glasgow, home of Scottish culture for a big international meeting to get some snazzy snaps and do a bit of networking but he's been called a blatant liar by the French president. Thrown under the bus by the United States and given a bit of a spray by other world leaders about his weak climate commitments on letting a major gas company, Santos, sponsor our pitch to the COP26 conference. Yeah our good friends Fiji were getting in on the act as well giving us some stern words and after a quick look at recent history though, the report did reveal that it's actually not that surprising Clancy. No, no when we look at the national disaster that was the bushfires, the bungled vaccine roll out, the handling of women's safety in parliament house, I guess the way he destroyed our relationship with our biggest trading partner and the way he's gone and destroyed all diplomatic ties with both the European powerhouse that is France and of course President Biden who is backpedaling away from us as fast as he can. Yeah it hardly comes as a surprise that a complex piece of international diplomacy involving national security issues was a bit too much to handle for this big unit.
Yeah there was a finding at the end of the report saying that it would be difficult for Scotty to make a cup of coffee potentially or he'd fuck up a cup of coffee. He'd fuck up a cup of coffee I believe that. I wouldn't ask him to make me one.
Fair enough, now a bit of a change of pace, we've got a story from over in Paris from our French bureau La Garaffe I believe it's pronounced and they've given us an article written all in French and I might throw over to you for this headline Errol which is. This is a pretty loose translation because as we can all speak Petout Denise Creole which is spoken in the French quarter but the headline given to us by you know he's died in the wall Frenchman was Emmanuel Macron Ravela a la Presse the playlist Spotify to the Prime Minister of Australia. Which translates loosely to Emmanuel Macron leaks to the press the playlist of Spotify of our Prime Minister Scott Morrison and real there was no Kylie Minogue in there. Yeah I mean it was some breaking news from our French bureau La Garaffe they're on the ball they're some of the fiercest journalists in Europe I would say you should get around them too if you can speak their language but I think what we're working with you when it comes back to that story is quite a French story as you know Scott Morrison came under fire this week for leaking private text messages from the French president he was trying to make himself not look like a liar as he had been branded by Emmanuel Macron also known as Manny Mac over in Paris so he revealed text messages to I guess sink Emmanuel Macron and come out looking like the good guy but you know it hasn't worked out well for him now he's known as a guy that leaks text messages with international leaders and in turn Macron as reported by La Garaffe he has leaked Scotty's private Spotify playlist and shared it with other leaders instead it didn't feature one song by Kylie Minogue which has offended the French greatly and they found it quite confronting and shocking they didn't say if they have to hear one more Natalie Imbruglia or Tina Reina song again they will be declaring war. Back on home soil and down in Victoria a stupid drunk idiot has crashed his car because he's an entitled rich boy who's unfit for politics yes the man who thought he was the next Premier of Victoria has completely and utterly made a cut of himself this week Tim Smith the beanbag with eyes from the ritzy electorate of Kew am I saying that right Kew Kew Kew in the heart of Melbourne pinballed his car down a Hawthorne Street over the weekend after a few too many drinks just a couple of glasses of wine an empty stomach is what he was saying but party sources have revealed it was more like a few too many cocktails over the bougie dinner with mates anyway his blatant disregard for the health and safety of the public has led to his leader telling him not to stand at the next election and just disappear into his family's bakery empire or the corporate sector or whatever you know he's probably not gonna even get a conviction recorded like all good ex-politicians we had a comment on that one from Russell Comte he was actually coming to defensive Tim Smith he said let he who has not smashed a Jaguar while pissed cast the first stone well interesting I'll cast the first stone at Tim Smith said then staying in Melbourne and an anti Melbourne cup warrior has been forced to quietly delete Instagram photos of her riding elephants in Thailand yeah it felt like a bit of a quieter Melbourne Cup this year with a few more issues seeming to capture the national spotlight where police rescues we had diplomatic emergencies overseas but of course there were some social media activists who made sure to voice their disdain for horse racing and the horse racing industry on the first Tuesday of November as is the norm yeah one of those was Aspen Petal Murdoch hyphenated name there a terrace house resident from Brunswick who explained to us that she secretly loves the Melbourne Cup obviously it's a big opportunity to tee off on an issue she feels passionately about and maybe even get some retweets from a c-grade celebrity or you know journalist however before she got started she told us she had to do some quick filtering of her social media content someone had reminded her that she's got some photos of herself riding elephants in Southeast Asia a few years ago still up on her Instagram so she had to quickly delete them before getting on a roll with the nut to the cup folks yeah fair enough bit of life had been there finishing up with finance news and the Reserve Bank of Australia has come out to say that there's no housing bubble but you should really buy one or two even if you can't really afford it because you don't want to miss out do you yes a Reserve Bank governor has laughed off claims that his organization has worked with the government and caused a giant housing bubble by telling reporters they should really be spending more time buying houses yes the Reserve Bank governor Philip Lowe explained to us and I quote you really have no excuse if your parents have a property asset in a major capital city just leverage it get them to go as guarantor just do it if if you're renting then it's obviously stems from intergenerational laziness go on get into it tell you what he's lucky that someone doesn't drive a truck full of fertilizer and diesel and detcored into the car park of the Reserve Bank and blow that building to the ground they've got those big steel posts coming out of the ground to stop them now don't they no no no like you just hire a truck or you just buy one and then and then you just fill it up in 44 gallon drums of ammonium nitrate and then then you soak that all in diesel and then you have to get like some detcored from like coal mine where they do strip blasting and stuff and you shove that into we might stop there actually before we get too much interest from our from our just make sure you got incognito you can find all that stuff on yeah yeah yeah yeah we don't get too much attention from our friends in the intelligence communities but you know it is a surprise it doesn't happen sounds easier than buying a house I'm on a first-name basis with my local Asia officer yeah very good all right that's where we'll leave it for this week hope you've enjoyed our wrap-up of all the big stories and we look forward to talking to you soon bye-bye. Au revoir. |
cracked | 5_dbags_whose_mere_existence_should_make_you_feel_cooler | Our website is currently downloading a virus onto your computer. I'm Lex Friedman and this is the news for Friday, April 18th, 2008. A new study has concluded that men who masturbate at least five times a week have a dramatically reduced risk of developing prostate cancer. In a related story, I'm immortal.
Let's get to five douchebags whose mere existence should make you feel better about yourself. Douchebag number five, Pope Benedict. The Pope Meister has vowed that despite his perceived indifference to other religions, mainly evidenced by his Jews Can Suck a Tattoo, he will reach out to the leaders of other faiths as a sign of friendship. Then, as those leaders reach back for his hand, Benedict will quickly pull it back, yell, Sike! And run it through his tussled hair, and then he'll launch into the Everybody But Catholic Sucks-A-Lot dance. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, you're going to hell, you're going to hell. You've probably seen the Pope do it a thousand times.
We should note that he'll have to take off his giant hat to tussle his hand through his hair. Can you tussle a hand? I don't think you can.
Douchebag number four, Malt-O-Meal Cereal. The FDA has discovered that Malt-O-Meal Cereal led to a salmonella outbreak that hospitalized at least 23 people. Customers are advised to avoid the following varieties of cereal, puffed rice, puffed wheat, and cinnamon typhoid crunch. Because typhoid is caused by salmonella. Come on, people, work with me here. We rejected a lot of good cereal names to get to that joke. We didn't bother with honey bunches of eggs, clucky harms, raw chicken-o's. So cut us some slack on the typhoid crunch.
Douchebag number three, Pete Wentz. He's engaged to be Mr. Ashley Simpson, and he's attacked those spreading rumors that Ashley is pregnant. He said, and this is a direct quote, really, this is all news to me. I can't wait for stories about how I'm really in a gay relationship, and this is all just a cover. I see what you did there, Pete. Well played. But I'm not going to get to, I'm not going to, I'm not going to take the bait. I'm not, I'm not that, Pete Wentz is gay. He's the gayest gay you ever gave. He loves looking at pictures of naked gay men because he himself is also gay. Yeah, Pete Wentz spoiled again. You heard it here, second, ladies and gentlemen, Pete Wentz is very, very gay.
Douchebag number two, an anonymous New York businessman who says he won't be releasing a fabled sex tape featuring Marilyn Monroe. The 15-minute tape was purchased for $1.5 million, and to be honest, for that kind of money, we'd probably keep it to ourselves for a while, too. The anonymous man claims he bought it to protect Marilyn's privacy, which is noble, considering what a shy and reserved person she was her entire life. Seriously, though, $1.5 million, that's roughly $1 for every time I've helped prevent prostate cancer.
And finally, Douchebag number one, modern medicine, which can't stop making me miserable. A new study has found that having a sensible diet and losing weight will reduce a person's risk of heart attacks and strokes. Listen, the study was published in the New England Journal of Jesus H. Christ. How many times do we have to tell you fat fucks that if you keep eating bacon cheeseburgers two at a time, that your heart is going to pop like a pimple on the ass of an African elephant, so lose some weight for Christ's sake.
It's a great magazine, actually. I've given subscriptions away as Hanukkah gifts in the past. That's it for this week in Douchebaggery. Check back next Friday to find out if your mother has made the list. |
dropout | detroit_s_kickstarter_needs_your_help | Hi, I'm assistant deputy treasurer to the city of Detroit, Carl Thump. Recently our city declared bankruptcy, but we did hear that the internet's giving away free money on this kickstarter thing. So let's give it a shot. You know what they say, if it works for the Veronica Mars movie, it'll work for a decaying American metropolis.
At the $10 donation level, you'll get a house. That's right, we're starting with a house. $10 is actually a really great deal for us.
At $50, the Detroit Lions will be your personal wingman at every bar you go to. They'll jump on any grenade for you, bro. At $100, you get to decide Detroit's new city dress code. Crocs and suspender jorts for every civic employee? You got it. At $200, you can use the robots from our auto manufacturing plants in your very own real steel style robot battles. At $500, we'll recreate the movie Robocop, scene for scene, starring you as Robocop. At $506, what the heck, you can use live ammunition in the Robocop thing. At $1,000, we'll let you design your very own Detroit City Park. Write your name in it, draw a dick, I mean, go sim city with the whole thing, we can't stop you. At $3,000, Eminem will rap battle on your behalf in any situation.
Yo, you got in my way at the deli today. I really don't like it when people are gay. Eminem's homophobic views not shared by the city of Detroit.
So please, donate today. I mean, what else are you going to do? Fund another Zach Braff vanity project? Oh, you are? No, wait, I was kidding. No, no, please come back. I'm so lonely, everyone I knew moved away and this guy with a flamethrower took over City Hall. Hey, if you like this, click me to subscribe to see more College Humor videos. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_national_masturbation_month_11_day_nude_cruise_snl | It was announced that both Boomer Sison and Phil Simms are leaving Cbs's the Nfl Today. the former quarterback said they want to spend more time figuring out which one is which. ha ha ha. fans of the children's show, Bluey, are saying that a line in a recent episode hinted that Bluey's mom used to go to a park to smoke marijuana.
Meanwhile, over at Cocomelon, every baby's on acid. just hours ago, the Kentucky Derby was won in a photo finish by Mystic Dan.
Mystic Dan is also the guy who sells acid to Cocomelon. it was reported that Sylvester Stallone is writing a memoir. the memoir is 300 pages long and has a word count of one. hey, hey, you know what it means, right? yeah, I'm just about to get bigger, man. that's good acting, right, Carla? you like that?
I've been working on it all.
I'm a really good actor. an elementary school teacher in Wisconsin was arrested after she allegedly made out with one of her fifth grade students just months before her wedding, which is why you should never have your bachelorette party at Chuck E. Cheese. nearly 100,000 pounds of sliced prosciutto is being recalled for not being inspected properly, which is weird because I thought prosciutto inspector was just an Italian slur for gay. this is a really rough episode, did you call it?
An 11-day cruise is being offered next year from Miami to the Caribbean in which passengers will be nude. the cruise will offer pickleball, cornhole, and also games. a new report chronicles a disorder called sexomnia in which people try to have sex while they're asleep. the report was written by someone named Phil Fosby.
May is national masturbation, mom, so stop knocking on my dressing room door. don't encourage. having a real rough time, mom. |
TheOnion | Cop_Explains_How_It_Feels_To_Live_Every_Day_In_Fear_Someone_Might_Record_You_Brutalizing_A_Civilian | I feel vulnerable every day. When I'm out on patrol or just walking my beat, it feels like a threatening situation could erupt at any minute. As a police officer, I constantly live in fear that I might be filmed brutalizing a civilian.
Just yesterday, I pull over a black couple and I kept thinking, what if I escalate the situation and they pull a phone on me and the footage lands on YouTube? Something like that could end a career in seconds. It's something you know from the time you're a cadet. The slightest civil rights infraction in front of anyone who's looking, and the next thing you know, you're surrounded by cameras and trending on Twitter. No cop should have to worry about that. Practically every precinct I know has somebody serving desk duty just for acting on deeply rooted prejudices when somebody had a recording device on them. It happened to my partner and it even happened to our own captain. One day he's just kicking an unarmed pedestrian in the ribs when all of a sudden people with cameras are everywhere and then they just start shooting what he was doing, all six minutes of it.
I can't help but think sometimes that could have been me ending up at that desk job. You never know which day of total impunity will be your last, but for a cop, that's just our daily reality. |
cracked | why_the_oscars_get_it_wrong_every_year_the_cracked_podcast | As I mentioned, we're going to be discussing the Academy Awards, asking questions like, how do they always get everything exactly right? Perfect, every time. We're gonna talk about some of the controversy. We're gonna talk about, we're gonna be imagining some alternate, an alternate Oscars that's a little bit more fun, where in the Razzies and the Oscars are sort of collapsed, so you get the best of, you get the worst of, and where we get to make up all the categories.
The Walk screams that to me. It's Zemeckis, it's Joseph Gordon-Levy's, it's... Josie Gordon-Levy's. Pre-9-11 Twin Tower thing. It's like everything that is like, these are a bunch of things that modern Americans are supposed to think are very important. And it's Joseph Gordon-Levy doing like, I am a French and I'm going to walk across the thing.
He's like, oh, he's doing an accent, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. Nothing, it's so very clear that like, it's not a story that anyone wanted to tell because Man on Wire did it way better. It's already like a well-covered territory that is so much better. So the only reason you do this movie is for money and for Oscars.
And I don't think either. And I don't think they got either.
So even if you hadn't seen the documentary, the trailer doesn't give you any reason to watch that movie because he starts out and he's like, I'm going to walk across that thing and tell us how to call E. And he meets some friends in New York. And you don't need to, you can pause the trailer right there because you know he doesn't fall off the wire. Like there's no, I'm not compelled at all to watch it because a movie where it's like, I'm going to walk across the Twin Tower. We'll see. And then he falls off in the middle.
That's a bad movie. No one's gonna make that movie.
Most years this award, borderline gets given to certain performers. When they made August, Osage County, like I saw the trailers for that and everything coming out about it and I was like, oh, if this doesn't get 15 nominations, they know they blew it. Like this purely exists for everyone involved in it creatively to get awards. And a couple of people did maybe. It's actually, now I just remembered the director of August, Osage County did do burns. Do we have a clip of that director being sad? We roll. This would be, I guess, the honorary edge of tomorrow category, lifetime achievement. I wanted to nominate The Walk, first of all, because that could mean any fucking thing.
But also, Bridge of Spies is a really bad title and nobody else agrees with me. No, no, no. It's a bad title. It makes me think of spies like interlocking arms. I didn't even think of it as a bad title until you sent it along because I was so busy focused on the pedigree of the talent behind it. But then it's like, oh yeah, a movie called Bridge of Spies and then Tom Hanks.
That doesn't fit. That's no good.
And it's also sort of misleading because I have not seen the movie, but from what I hear, it's really less about spies and more just about a bridge. I have seen it. I don't think there is a single spy, is there? I don't know. It's the one guy. No, it's a literal Bridge of Spies.
That's how we got all the way to Europe. Best titles. Revenant is a nice word that apparently isn't made up. That's a real word from many, many years ago. Yeah, you guys aren't privy to the truly organic moment that happened backstage when we're talking about good titles. So we're like, you know what a good one was?
The Revenant. Yeah, Revenant. Ooh, Revenant.
Perfect title, so poetic. What does it mean? Oh, I don't know. Nobody knows.
And then our engineer told us what it means and we were like, that is a good title. That is appropriate. Ghostly Apparition.
Brett, by the way, was totally making that up. He's a pathological liar. I've always said that.
For a long time, thought Carol was a Christmas movie for like a while. It came out in December, I think. That must have been a great Christmas Eve with your family. Oh, it's in December with both.
I like again, Jack, that you brought up The Walk for a bad title because that's what like, I just wanna s*** on this movie all night, apparently. But that's what I imagined that Zemeck's thing was like, all right, it's this guy. He's a man on a wire. No, can't do that. All right, let's call it The Wire. Ow, fuck. What about like, walk hard? Damn it.
Even Bridge of Spies is taken. That also makes me realize Spike Lee must have been so mad about Brooklyn. Like somebody's like, oh, that should have been mine. This is a personal issue of mine, just in general.
I will say that never in the history of the world has a person said, that was too short. It's never happened.
Everything is too long. And I think that there are so many movies that get ruined that are so close to being very good and then they're just 15 minutes too long and you leave just like grumpy and throwing popcorn. So I think the movie that best fits, like it's, I will almost say platonic ideal of running time should get an award. And this year, I think that movie is actually Mad Max. That movie, Mad Max is exactly two hours. You have to imagine George Miller was like this movie should be two hours and then it came in at exactly two hours and it should have been exactly two hours.
Yeah, he seemed to know what he was doing on that one. A hundred percent of the way. So now we're out and now we're coming back the other way. That's all. Round trip was the alternate title. It really is.
Leaps, I'm in complete agreement with you on this that I felt like every, almost every movie that ever exists now is too long. We just hate movies, you guys.
I do, yeah. I'm a busy guy. Like, there were like a very clear, this is not this year, but going back to like, both Funny People and Wolf of Wall Street were two like standout movies where I was like, man, perfect ending. Time to, oh, okay, oh.
He's on a boat now. He does boat stuff now.
And like this year, for worst running time, I think it has to go to The Hateful Eight, which I remember watching that movie sitting there and feeling like I could have cut nine minutes after the first 10 minutes. That movie just would not end.
Which maybe you said, and this might be controversial, you said the tight version of Hateful Eight might be his best movie. Do you think that way? He did, when they were in the cabin and when things were happening and when it was tight, there was a lot of great acting and a lot of, he also, he did The Nerdist and talked about how he put a lot of thought into blocking in the movie. And if you watch, like there's a lot of scenes where the focus is on one person and then something else is happening in the background that works and complements it. And if he just kept it that short and also condensed a lot of the dialogue and a lot of the, especially in the carriage, there's a lot of like, hey, I do know your backstory. And it's not super helpful. Oh, that's right. You just mentioned it a half hour ago. But if he just went into it, I'm gonna make an amazing play, which is the thing that I've kind of been doing in a lot of the pieces of my movies, especially like the first chunk of Inglourious Bastards, that could, I think people would have come away from it. Like he super nailed it. And also he should like change it up and do a big blockbuster. But instead, I feel like he made maybe his worst movie, which all his movies are good. So that doesn't mean it's terrible, but it felt like there was tightening that could be done. Especially just the long shot of two horses breathing.
I don't know. It's fine. The Bear from the Revenant. Take it. I'm pretty sure it's not a real bear. I mean- How are you doing this to me? I mean, okay. I don't wanna ruin it. All right, then fine.
Tom Hardy. I don't know. Tom Hardy.
You're right. I think this category should exist for nothing else than that little, he's now dead. Sorry to be a downer. That dead, completely dead dog from the artist a couple of years ago.
Uggy. Uggy, yeah.
That dead dog. That was an incredible dog. That's some of the best dog acting I've seen since that dog from Frasier.
It's also dead. Dancer's gonna run through with a bunch of lovable animals. Marcel from France. Probably dead. Same capuchin from Outbreak, so that's like two birds. I didn't know what any of those words meant. Some monkey from- The bird from Paulie? Dead.
Up next we have Best and Worst Casting, which is actually one that just feels like it should exist. And would also be really fun because at the awards, they could show the tryouts from the people who they didn't cast to really drive home how good the casting actually was. Like the In Memoriam montage, but it's for people who just didn't get these roles. It's David Arquette being like, I'm the Rivenant. Most, if not all, movies have tremendous plot holes and I think there's a special credit due to the movies that make you not realize them until much, much later.
Like when I saw, what is the one that came from my brain? So I shouldn't have to look it up. Oh, Dark Knight Rises. When I saw that the entire time I was thinking, why the fuck is any of this happening?
Why did all of the police go into the sewer at the same time? Why can't we call another police force?
What is the timespan? How did Batman get his back broken and then fix it in the same time that nothing happened in Gotham? How is literally anything, how do they plant bombs under the football field?
This is what I'm saying out loud in the theater alone while I'm watching this. There's the same amount of plot holes in Star Wars The Force Awakens but I'm watching that movie just being like, look at that little robot ball rolling around with a little thumbs up. Look at how much fun everyone's having. Like a day later I'm like, oh sure, none of that made sense. Why did everyone converge at Maz Kanata's place at the exact same time? But I think it's really a testament to the strength of the spectacle of Star Wars that I, a curmudgeon, forgot all of those things. I didn't notice all of those things in the moment. It shouldn't be best picture but it is due credit for lulling me into stupidity. An example of a best lie would be the movie The Revenant.
The main character is just going, he's just mad that they took his shit and they didn't kill his kid and he just goes and he's like, hey, give me back my stuff. And then they're like, oh, okay, wow, that's impressive that you came all this way. And he's like, let bygones be bygones. And that's like, that's it. It's like a Woody Allen movie. Right, yeah.
Pretty sharp lie, pretty sharp idea to make up his son. Worst lie, I think, has to go to Titanic, which, so there's this character who works on the Titanic who at one point in the movie, I think like tries to shoot women and children as they're boarding the lifeboats or something and he like pushes a woman and like jumps in the boat. And for some reason, he's like, my name is, and gives this full name. That was a real guy on the Titanic. Charon Ford Kid Rock. That was a real guy on the Titanic who like actually like used his body as a bridge so like people could get on the boat and they were just like, oh, let's just pick a random name and just completely shit on him and villainize him. And like Neil deGrasse Tyson was like, the stars aren't right in the sky of Titanic and it's like, what about this poor guy whose entire legacy is completely ruined? Well, especially cause it is a period piece based on history, but they could have just made up a guy for the role of total monster on the boat. Like they could have just been like, it could have been easily like, my name is Sniley McSuckins.
It's fine, do that. I would say the, I don't know if it's best or worst lie, but I don't know how much y'all know about the social network and that like, that movie's like almost all a lie. And like, when you think about like the base of what that movie's about, it's about... A billion dollars isn't cool? No. Justin Timberlake was completely right about that.
But no, like, the fact that he like betrayed his friend and you know, like kind of pushed him out of the company. Whenever I read, they were actually not friends at all, which kind of like is a different perspective on it. And the reason that he pushed him out of the company was cause he was a shitty CFO.
So he was just like, he did it on purpose and he doesn't try to hide that at all. That and the girl Erica Albright, he used it to good effect as like, oh, he started this because of that. And then it ends with him, I guess, trying to add her as a friend. But actually he had the same girlfriend even before he created Facebook and it's the one that he's married to now.
So like those two elements were like, kind of like the biggest story elements of the movie. Right. Those are the humanizing moments of Mark Zuckerberg for the movie. And it's like, Aaron Sordin was like, I want to get at the human side. Oh, there isn't one. He's just a robot. Okay, I'm going to make up the human side.
Well, I saw a concussion. Me and Anne Gansier, it's a direct sensation. We saw a concussion and it's about, no one saw it.
So I'll tell you what it's about. It's about a doc. Will Smith plays a doctor who did a lot of the early work discovering CT and had injuries that professional football just creates in you by playing it. But there's, the movie opens on David, the actor David Morse is playing a former player named Mike Webster. And the way he goes through all these different things from CTE make that problem very human in a way that like tons of studies and news reports on it and just like the eye test of seeing two NFL players hit each other's heads, like doesn't convince you.
And it's amazing. And then the rest of the movie, just straight down from there, just really doesn't work very well at all. It's interesting you mentioned concussion because it's the big diversity thing. They're saying like, it should have been nominated. It didn't, right? Yeah. And Will Smith isn't bad in it. And his accent was a lot better than I had heard. It was pretty good. But the movie overall just doesn't play very well. You should have won the accent award.
I like kind of made up like a, I thought I heard the guy and he like didn't sound like that. I haven't heard him. I don't know.
The real guy was like, tell the truth, tell the truth. Tell the truth.
Yeah. Something that, like I had always known that people said that the Academy was a bunch of old white guys. I didn't realize it was 94% white, 76% dude, and average age of 63 years old. Which is insane, but it also like makes so much sense. If the average age is 63, that means that there are some guys who are like 95 who are voting. Yeah. There are literally two people in the world who were still born in the 19th century and I imagine they are the president and vice president of the Academy currently. Both 116. Right. And it makes a lot of sense. Like a bunch of the kind of bullshit wins in the past, like Forrest Gump won over Pulp Fiction and Shawshank Redemption. And like, if you think about Forrest Gump, if you're 63 today, you were born in, damn, math. 1830. Yep.
So like, Forrest Gump is just a tour of like every big news event that happened in your life. Like, set to a sick soundtrack that you're gonna like. Right, you've got two movies to vote for and one of them is Shawshank Redemption where it's like, ah, we need to completely re-examine our prison system and this is like totally wrong and the justice system is wrong, this is broken, I'm feeling a lot of things. And then the other movie, oh, this I remember over that.
It's all fun. The moon. I like Elvis.
And then they saw Pulp Fiction, they were like, as much as I like the Gimp scene, I cannot vote for this film. I just can't.
I feel like there's a long term anglophile like bias with like chariots of fire and King's speech. The, a King's stutter is not a real conflict to me, it turns out. They probably wouldn't have just fought the war.
You know? I mean, I guess, Crash won over Brokeback Mountain but is it like, do you think like the mostly white people are just being like, okay, this is our bad, we're gonna give you this one. But we're gonna give you this one to like the movie directed by a white guy. Oh, yeah. I think Crash got an award because it was like the whitest painting of race relations because it was so, it was very clumsily handled and I enjoyed the movie when it came out because I was a child when it came out. But the way that it handles race is like, the message at the end is, you know what? Everyone's racist. And that is a rough message to say. Yeah, like movies like Do The Right Thing came out in 1989 and was about racism and people were like, you're too angry, Spike Lee, nobody would ever have a race riot and then the LA riots happened like a year later. And for context, what won that year, Jack? Driving Miss Daisy. Oh, interesting. Right. With the moral that you should just let a racist, like be racist to you and it's kind of funny.
I feel like Creed is the Do The Right Thing of this year because the only nominations that Do The Right Thing got were Best Original Screenplay, which is just like coolest movie, like the best movie, but we're not gonna say it. Is basically what that award means. But, and also Danny Aiello was nominated.
The one white person. Right, the one white person who had like a speaking role and they were like, I guess he was so good. He comes on screen, he's like, oh my God, a race riot. And he runs off, and you have your nomination.
I actually think the bigger one this year for me is, well, first of all, I would once again nominate the bear from The Revenant. I had a little color, but I also, I feel like Beast of Nonation was the overlooked movie this year. And like, that was the movie. Like, Idris Elba was fantastic in that movie. Like, there's no way he shouldn't have been nominated. Everything about it was just fantastic.
And I feel like people were just afraid to see it. It's a bummer when it's like, here's Beast of Nonation about black child soldiers. And you have to confront a lot of issues like, you know what?
I'm gonna nominate Joy. Let's try to love one white woman to invent a mob.
This is where I think we're at right now. I also think we don't totally know how to fix things yet. And I'll call out an elephant in the room right now that we're talking about race being a problem in Hollywood. And you are listening or watching a panel with four white people out of five. Yeah, you're talking about ruin. Is that what you think? Like, there's no way I can't not address that. So I don't have all the answers, but most of them.
It's always a trouble to think of because the Academy came out and they are responding to this, this hashtag why so white Oscars movement that's happening. And they said something like, we're gonna address this and we're gonna have more people of color on the Academy Awards board by 2020, which is a phenomenal step, but I don't know if it'll fix it. Like, I feel like there are deeper problems in terms of, this is something that George Clooney brought up, who again, elephant in the room, is a privileged white man, who is saying that the real problem is that we're just not making, there's not like enough prestige films for people of color in movies like that. It's the larger problem that's happening right now. The problem isn't that, we can't say there are 10 phenomenal actors that were overlooked because of race this year, but we can absolutely say that there are Oscar worthy roles written for Leonardo DiCaprio and Eddie Redmayne every single year and happen and will be forever. That's sort of like the heart of the issue that needs to be addressed before we change the staffing of the Academy Awards.
Or at the same time. Yeah, I mean both, yeah, we can fix all of it if we want.
Yeah, or not even written for Leonardo DiCaprio, but that's another thing that was pointed out is that you don't see black actors nominated for roles that could have been played by a black or white person. Or Asians, or Hispanic. Or Asian, I guess.
I'm throwing that out there. Which is something that I hope, I know you've brought it up on the podcast before and I brought it up to strangers that I pass on the street that I think the Hamilton musical will do great things. That's a complete colorblind casting of Hamilton with people of color playing every founding father there is. And I think that's just the last thing. It's so nice living in a post-Hamilton world. Oh my god, it's so great. Then we can just say, do the thing that these guys did. But it's true, it's like we can stop looking at parts like Revenant as, oh this is for Leonardo DiCaprio to speak. Who was the greatest actor right now that could fill this role? It doesn't matter if the source material was a white person or a black person or whatever. Let's just like get the best part. Let's just keep making Hamilton.
Yeah, I guess the other thing when people are talking about why the Academy matters, like I do feel like music is, I feel like in many ways ahead of the film industry. And I feel like part of it is because people stopped giving a shit about the Grammys like a long time ago. Everyone's like, the Grammys? That doesn't matter anymore. But the Oscars really are this gatekeeper for a lot of people do think they actually tell you what the best movie of the year is. So stop giving a shit about the Oscars, everyone.
Get out of here, everybody. That's for you. All right, thanks everybody.
It was a lot of fun. Yeah. That was good. Boy, that video was fun, huh? Lot of laughs to be had there. Dan was probably in it. Lot of good things happened. We all had a really good time together.
Go ahead and go down to the comments and tell us the most intricate details of this video that was about dogs. I wanna say, or subscribe to our channel or share this video disseminated as you see fit. If you didn't like it, maybe now's the time for quiet. |
dropout | Shut_Up_and_Buy_This_36_Grilled_Cheese | I've always hated I hate the noise I hate society telling me what to do you bag so I decided to reinvent to do something new to do something exciting whoo so I started a food truck I've always had business savvy.
Price one up again?
Shove my nuts yeah I've been told I have an attitude problem but if the food's good what's the problem huh what's the problem huh can you wait a minute you greedy pigs it's a bit of a stereotype in the chef community that chefs are rude and Anthony completely fulfills this and many additional stereotypes not a spicy meatball it's right back to Weehaw.
Anthony's always had a pretty negative attitude but most geniuses are like that you know I guess that's what makes it okay you know you hear these stories these chefs they came from rough neighborhoods they live such a tough life but guess what I came from a very affluent neighborhood all right so imagine how hard it was for me to do crimes in a place like that when Anthony was 18 he did a stint in prison for throwing a can of spray paint at a cop horse that experience changed him you know it made him want to shape up despite hating almost everything around him the one thing that grounded Anthony was cooking coming up like I did in Jersey there's only three ways to make it out alive you can run coke you can join the family real estate business or there was the kitchen Anthony's grandma and 22 older sisters taught him that cooking wasn't just a thing to keep him out of trouble it was something that he could do as a career they gave him the confidence to work through the ranks of course he'd never know that he's never hired a woman before foods about giving and nurturing and sustaining life and that's a man's game baby I worked under Anthony for 10 years and I thought we had a special bond but also he's sort of crazy cooking made him feel special whole important and charged maniacal rageful insane and complete he thinks that because he makes a good sandwich he can be a jerk but that's not true right took him this long to get me this award nice they're mothers right are you looking at me work Jesus Christ I grew up with chef Anthony I watched his rise while I was just starting out as a critic sure he could be salty but he's also just dedicated to the craft when you think about it what is the difference between striving for perfection and throwing a knife at someone for buying the wrong hand everyone really opened their eyes to Anthony when he left the restaurant scene and started cheese punch it shouldn't take that long to give one person grilled cheese guys Jesus Christ get out of the way here cheese punch was his message to the world your restaurant wall shall not contain me things were finally on his terms no more reporting to bosses or going to court it was just him his ideas and the open road excuse me take a look at your permits things were really going his way I mean food trucks had been around he didn't invent that anyone can make a real cheese yeah sure okay if you say so but Anthony reinvented it with more cheese it was genius I mean people had sold bread and cheese out of carts before but they had never charged $15 for it I guess that's just an amount of money that makes affluent people feel comfortable sure he has a bad attitude sure he's stressed out of his mind and has never once learned a coping mechanism for it yes he is turning a grossly high profit by selling something whose base ingredients cost nothing sure okay I'll bite but that's it make a line this is good stuff his food truck is good you know what you gotta understand is that no one was doing this at the time it was the wild west out there there were no rules there was no script we were just flying by the seat of our pants in the beginning stages we tried to start big but sometimes someone just can't hack it so I had to fire my main guy Pat he fired me for showing up early he said I was trying to be better than him and no matter how many people you fire or get deported it never gets any easier but I have to make those tough calls for the sake of my business and my sanity it's the kind of thing you never prepared for yes he was for today's service we got the cheese punch we got poppers let's push the caprese salad man it's going bad super sour would you say you're talking to me we're firefighters here man we're putting out fires maybe I don't understand what it means to be a fireman okay maybe I don't know what that entails I'm so sorry you think I have time to talk to firefighters you do you think I have time to talk to firefighters you do just waltzing around the city like an arson waiting for firefighters come bill what do you do today sir what do you do today get out of here you're fired you're fired too wait whoa I need you until the end of rush all right you're rehired anyone who didn't see his vision was violently ejected from the truck for standing in his way you're still fired man I'm joking you think I'm joking what you want to call the firefighter right now and talk to him that's what you want Wow look how fast he's moving now now they got fired if you can make a sandwich that good you can do whatever you want to me your talent totally makes up for your personality it's a fact I'm touching the burner with my hands I don't feel I know he's a perfectionist right but why do you have to fire me and why do you have to lie and tell everyone I got fired for sandwiches he said I sandwich Anthony is a rebel he's someone that could reinvent anything he was never the type of guy to be happy I mean happy with his product what I say he was never satisfied so he started to get more creative he examined his original grilled cheese recipe and thought so what are you looking at but what he saw that no one else saw was what if we put more cheese on it more cheese how's that gonna work what's that gonna look like is it even possible can't believe he did it a true king of the food truck scene it was a ripoff it was a masterpiece it costs $29 after cheese punch supreme Anthony thought how do I top that he hit a creative block he was going through some personal things my girlfriend at the time broke up with me for a job in Canada said she was tired of following me around she was my rock she was the only one that could calm me down from a rage her career was the worst thing that could ever happen to me I couldn't think I was getting panicky I was getting mad except now there wasn't anyone to calm me down some suggested he seek therapy I was furious he didn't this is my girl we're talking about here my girl really couldn't innovate under that kind of undue pressure the culinary community was up in arms at his girlfriend he tried everything to win her back texting her calling her showing up at her apartment unannounced mrs. doubt firing her to seeing her white chick singer but she had moved on the man just wanted to innovate he just wanted to find the next stepping stone from cheese punch supreme how could the master reinvent the reinvention when he was this sad I mean didn't Blanche understand that his genius was at stake he decided he just couldn't go on he couldn't innovate he was washed up in a rut totally empty I was so mad I was just thinking I hate Canada I hate it so what's the opposite of Canada Mexico cheese punch Mexico it was so simple I almost couldn't believe I was charging $34 for it and why stop there cheese punch Bangkok cheese punch Guam cheese punch that Indian place I want to cheese punch places as far away from Canada as possible Anthony was experimenting with flavors that were unheard of Chipotle curry turmeric stuff literally no one was using I mean sure Mexican and Indian people were using them but Anthony is white so it's different by appropriating flavors from other cuisines and exploding the margins on very inexpensive ingredients Anthony built his revolutionary cheese punch Empire food trucks all over the country book deals television shows it's pretty awful he can do that did we enable him food is art and art is food and food is in fact art and Anthony understands this he has a vision the next step I'm gonna keep being me I'm gonna keep doing what I do no one's gonna keep me down cheese punch is gonna keep growing it's gonna make room for the next thing I'm gonna reinvent I'm gonna do a stationary food truck we're calling it a food place he's creating a restaurant it's got like walls bathrooms tables a true visionary there's a front door so if there's a draft you can close it I think we created a monster I have never in the sandwich I promise that's it for this episode preview if you want to watch the rest of this go to dropout.tv and start your free try it's free do it it's free you get a free trial holy what are you nuts away I first met Zhang Mi on a vacation in South Korea I wandered into this temple and saw this unassuming woman shaved head gray robes and I thought who is this woman am I the first person to ever see her did I discover her the food she makes tastes like nothing and because of that tastes like everything when I eat her food I feel less hungry and that's magical |
TheOnion | The_Power_Of_Selling_Out_Your_Customers_As_Political_Capital_Onion_Talks_Ep_9 | I'm going to talk about how to adapt to your idea taking on a life of its own. In 2006, my friends and I started a photo sharing site called Ripple. We designed the site for American college students, but its ease of use and anonymity made it popular with Chinese dissidents. Before long, the users took the site in directions we had never imagined.
We were forced to adapt. We added new features and stronger encryption in order to meet their needs. Our traffic skyrocketed and we became an important symbol of Chinese resistance. That's when we got a call from the Chinese government.
They obviously wanted to get into the site, find and punish the user base that we had grown organically. We realized that we were being asked to betray the people who made our site what it was and we thought, this is an incredible opportunity.
Building an audience is only half the battle. In order to monetize your work, you need to monetize your audience and figure out who you can sell them to. Advertisers, a monolithic buyout firm, or in our case, a repressive government. Now, working against the very cause of freedom is something that you need to approach very delicately. Your users won't always understand just how much economic sense it makes to sell them out. And you don't want to alienate them. That would drive down their value. What your buyer is going to be looking for is a broad, complacent user base primed to be blindsided by sudden privacy policy changes or repressive investigations.
We felt that putting our users in mortal danger for a quick buck was the right move. But it wasn't until we did the math that we were really convinced. We were making a profit off the site with advertising, but compared to how much we could earn per user who would end up in a miserable Chinese prison, it was a no-brainer. That's what I mean by adapting to your idea. We never thought we'd become a forum to express dissatisfaction with the Chinese government. But once we did, we catered to our users and we were in awe of what they were able to create. And we certainly never thought that we'd get the opportunity to then give up all those users to the secret police. But we approached that opportunity in the same way.
By betraying every single artist, student, and intellectual who had ever put their trust in us. If we began with that goal, the dissidents would have never signed up.
But by adapting our ideals later, we were able to profit immensely. Now the most difficult part was that we had to let our project go. We had put a lot of work into Ripple, but when it came time to hand over all of our code as well as all of our spreadsheets meticulously tracking our users' whereabouts, home addresses, and their family to a government who would do those people harm, we knew we couldn't hesitate. Because there was no guarantee that we'd have an opportunity like this again. My colleagues and I now have lucrative consultant positions with the Chinese government.
And we're helping them leverage technology to crush dissent. And we're hoping to develop a new platform that would trick millions of Chinese teenagers into revealing their anti-government views.
And it's all thanks to selling out. Thank you.
Join me on my cross-country odyssey as I make our forefathers proud, reveling in life, liberty, and the pursuit of pork. Do you really taste cooked pork? This stuff is fantastic. I'm a big salt fan. Let's pork! This is Porkin' Across America. |
cracked | 7_cool_bits_of_foreshadowing_in_great_tv_shows | mind-blowing foreshadowing That's me as a vampire So evil and skanky and I think I'm kind of gay Well, I just remember a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person that was well, actually It's a good point You're not the next supreme Supreme? Supreme? What's a supreme? You're looking at her She's in there Are you afraid of a dead whore? I consider it an honest accounting We'll make him king again And me after him People die at their dinner tables They die in their beds I'm sorry They die squatting over their chamberpuffs Bailish Call me Peter There Well, of course I remember Kids, when Lily and Marshall started trying to have a baby they went a little crazy So? We did I was a Something's happened They didn't make it It is so good to be home Mom, Lily, fantastic job Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat, right? It's my call, man I think you can keep them safe Be not so nervous Be not so frail Be not so sorry for what you've done Hi I'm Mary The vain I could tell Just for a moment I stood there in silence Shocked by the foul evil deed I had done My love is strong and it pushes me onward Down off the hill to the leaner I go Shouted and shooting I can't let them catch me I have to make the two roses back door Something is dreadfully wrong For I feel a deep burning pain in my soul Free to lie two loving arms that I'll die for One little kiss and the leaner Goodbye |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Steep_Decline_Greedy_Teachers_The_Land_Of_The_Free_More_July_1 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly bulletin for the Batutah Advocate thank you for joining us my name is Clancy Overill editor of the Batutah Advocate I'm joined today by Errol Parker editor at large and Effie Baten one of the rising stars of this publication Wendell Hussey couldn't join us today he suffered an unfortunate injury in a game of indoor cricket and I believe tore his banjo string which is extra painful when you think about it because as a good Catholic I know he doesn't actually have a foreskin so that's quite an injury to his appendage there he says he's alright bit of plaster and he might not be back for a week yet anyway what's going on with you two?
Well I went over to Wendell's house this morning to drop him off a lasagna and yeah look it's it's not pretty he's cutting about the house looking like Christopher Reeve at the moment so um yeah look he's got a long road ahead of him and I'd just like to say that we here at the Batutah Advocate are right behind Wendell in his recovery from his banjo string fracture and hopefully he's he's on the mend.
And how have you been Effie?
I'm very good thanks for asking Clancy.
What is in the news this week Effie?
Alright so kicking off with some demographic news and the census data has revealed that God leaving this fucked planet has caused a steep decline in Christianity.
Yes quite a confronting headline this one and it comes off the back of the Australian Bureau of Statistics releasing the data from the nationwide survey they conducted last year it revealed that there's significantly less Christians than last time they did it curious about why this is happening we actually spoke to Jesus Christ himself about the findings and he had something interesting to say he told the advocate that basically the software God uses to control the universe went down during the bushfires in the pandemic he did get them back up and running again late last year but was on annual leave when those floods hit a few months ago so unfortunately all the emails and prayers went unanswered he obviously wasn't there for the election either because there were a lot of prayers coming his way from the Horizon Church in Cronulla but as a great man said and I quote him here I regret that but again it's all part of the plan so you can't be filthy at me sounds like a bit of a gas lighter I reckon now I know where all those Christian pollies get their buck passing mantra from and staying on national news and we had a big story from down in the least livable city in the country with Sydney hit by strikes and the headline on that one reads entitled New South Wales teachers demanding at least half of what a 22-year-old real estate agent makes the nerve of them is quite baffling really this disgraceful day of bludgeon comes as the state's teachers greedily refused to accept a generous pay rise has been offered to them by the New South Wales government whinging about conditions and pay that people say have caused thousands of job vacancies across the state the unions say they won't back down until the teachers get paid at least half of what a guy who opens doors and hustles on Instagram for a living gets yes the New South Wales Education Minister Sarah Mitchell wasn't having any of it and she said to us and I quote who do these career teachers think they are it's not like they're generating any revenue for the economy all they're doing is dedicating their lives to raising our children and trying to give them a decent education in the face of persistent underfunding had a couple comments on that one on Instagram grog star he says is the 8 30 a.m. to 3 30 p.m. workdays with an hour lunch break along with three months paid holiday year every weekend and every public holiday off not enough laughing emoji well you sound like a smart-ass mate well that sounds like a good way to get a good tuning out the front of a wine bar next to a public school and George maverick says well then maybe they should stop spending their money on art supplies and sandwiches for struggling kids and invest in a pair of quality rms and a rented Audi hashtag just saying and next a little bit of world news with the home of the brave and the land of the free causing a bit of a stir now this headline reads the country that lets lunatics shoot up schools moves to protect kids by banning a medical procedure talking of course about the United States of America here and the landmark decision by the Supreme Court over there to scrap the famous row versus Wade precedent which made abortion a universal right they say they've done this to protect the lives of American children yes they confirmed it's nothing to do with powerful conservative religious figures controlling young women's ability to control their own bodies it's all about protecting a human life something which is valued in this country where schools are regularly shot up because their leaders refused to implement any serious gun control reform and people die if they can't afford health care but at least we know the pregnant 12 year olds of the United States do not have to worry about the Pride Week in their schools while they're getting shot up but like in everything in America you can skirt these laws if you're rich and finishing up with a more touching local story now and a Batutah Heights man has revealed that he is suddenly very capable of gender-neutral pronouns while debriefing a boys night with the Misso yes a real sign of the times this one Aaron Lovridge who has previously shown very little interest in keeping up with the current language of progressives has suddenly found himself actually very capable of using they them when describing other people yes this followed a boys night where he apparently described the group of people he and his mates were talking to as they and them quite a number a few times it did turn out that the they people he was referring to actually she slash her but it's the thought that counts isn't it yes but don't worry his missus was already on to him due to the girlfriends of girlfriends interwebs that exist in every pub you walk into you should be aware of this Aaron there's no practically spies spies sleeper cells everywhere you go and that's it from us this week thank you for tuning in to the weekly Batutah bulletin and please send your prayers to Wendell Hussey as he overcomes such a great injury to his middle stump |
cracked | when_behind_the_scenes_documentaries_go_horribly_wrong_youtube_exclusive | That's why it's so much because it shows me it's really not that bad we've been this all this longer than I thought or is he forgetting lines a lot no he's doing it you know how he doesn't that super slow like measures you can't hold him that's stupid you can't tell him things he's doesn't take direction he's dumb run feels longer because it's not funny how come the makeup artist is shooting it why don't you guys give him a real camera person he doesn't the lens cap is on he doesn't even know yeah I know that Soren's role is Soren himself but he's not very good and should have been me I would be doing a much better job than he is right now so why am I even here my name is Daniel I am playing professor Calhoun in this sketch I'm sure you've seen me already on the the one that looks like this and yeah that's Soren he's doing his thing that's Soren Bowie am I allowed okay I'm allowed I think he's a nice guy he's got a lot of nice things nice things I have his wallet you know he's got like he's rich Soren don't worry let the tiny frail woman carry the heavy things don't worry about it Soren you're doing really great work up there is your people shit YouTube area race garbage just watching her period do your fucking it's okay drop it ruin his scene just knock around it doesn't matter fuck her we've got her ah we shouldn't it's a live set it's a hot set I mean I don't even know if I should say this but uh you know the little black book he's using in the set that's not I mean it's a prop obviously but I snuck a peek at that I don't know exactly what it is but it's it's just a long list of women's names and addresses like I don't know what the one thing I will say is that they're categorized by like ethnicity I just I don't know I can't think of a good reason he would have that why did someone get picked so you because of his blonde hair because he has more hair than I do because he's taller than me so he's got the grocery cards that go on keys but in his wallet look how frustrated she clearly is with him I know it's great and you know first time directing but I think fair enough right it's sorry you're giving her a horrible subject yeah she's doing her best it's like he's he's smiles like such a dumb guy oh supposed to be the thing in like an hour can he just wrap it oh no this is gonna take a while it's not that he's not funny it's that there are a lot of other things that are funnier like this couch is red is that's like more interesting to me because he wrote it because I had to get here late he's a rapist he's a date rapist sore and buoy we all agree right everyone in the room you're doing great that we can't use any of these takes I've tried teaching him how did you stand up I have shown him like this is a premise this is Louie CK and I never know my lines I'm usually sad when they yell action so I cry even if I'm not supposed to in the scene it's also weird that he walks around with a drill that's just like perfect peephole size I'm not saying that that's how he knows what's in women's bathrooms I'm just saying that he does drill holes into them hey we're doing these again I'm sore and thank you for subscribing if you haven't subscribed already although if you haven't I can't possibly believe why not we've done like a thousand of these things and yet we still have to keep doing them I don't know what to give you I don't know what you what you want take anything take take take my shirt take my shoes I don't I don't care anymore all right all right you you wanted this you got it all right all right are we happy now can we all subscribe please |
dropout | canceling_plans_showdown | Oh, man, what a week. Happy Friday. Happy Friday, Cassia.
Thanks. Got plans? Thanks. Any plans? Yeah, I think I'm going to go see a movie. How about you? You know, blow a couple fat rails. You? I'm supposed to hang out with Cassia, but I want to cancel. Hanging out with Grant. I don't want to cancel. Good luck with that. Good luck.
I love cocaine. Hey, super excited for tonight. Yeah, me too, man. This gallery is the best. I'm super excited.
Me too. Yeah, me too.
Where is it again? Downtown. Downtown? Oh, great. I never get to hang out downtown.
That's great. I am super excited. Yeah, same. Super, super, super excited.
I do know that traffic is going to be pretty rough, though. I don't want to take up too much of your time. It's fine. I don't mind. Oh, but I don't want you left to sit in traffic. That's murder on your gas bill. I'd feel bad.
Oh, but we never could hang out. Just the two of us. We have to do this. We never are just like us, you know?
Great. So we're still on. Okay.
Now, I know you have to be up kind of early, and we'll probably be out really late. So if you can't make it... Don't be ridiculous. I love staying out late. I'm like one of those people in the painting of the diner. But I do know that you sometimes have trouble sleeping and you need a full hour lying down before you can fall asleep. So if you can't make it...
It's so much fun to be out late. But late nights are the best. I love like a late night.
It's such my thing. We have to stand out. Oh, good. We're still on. That's awesome. So awesome.
I do know that the cover charge is going to be pretty steep, and I know you're really broke right now. I do know that you have like carton of milk in your fridge that's about to go bad. So if you need to go home...
No!
I do not need to go home. Let's get a drink after. Let's get a drink. Let's get dinner. Dinner?
Let's go to a concert. A concert? Let's go to a music festival. Music festival?
Let's start a band. You and I are starting a band.
This weekend? Saturday. And Sunday.
Great. I am super excited. Super. We should go. Yes. Let's go. You got the directions? Yep. Give the tickets. Yep. Oh my gosh.
My boyfriend's car got towed and his family's in town and they need a ride and they never get to see each other so they need my heat. We should totally hang out soon. I forgot my cocaine.
Do you guys want... Hey, I'm Cassia from College Humor. To subscribe, click here. And to see more fun stuff, click here. Now can I get my fucking chocolate latte? No, it's a hot chocolate with extra foam, idiot. Don't forget to click. Just kidding. I drink. |
cracked | in_defense_of_the_star_wars_holiday_special_cracked_responds | Hey, you guys, remember when we talked about how Jar Jar Banks is secretly like a Sith Lord and it's actually amazing? I thought we should watch the entire Star Wars Holiday Special and find what's good about it. No one defends the Star Wars Holiday Special ever.
That's why I've locked the doors of this room and we're gonna watch it. This seems mean.
This is when there wasn't too much Star Wars already, like you didn't have VHS or anything so you couldn't watch Star Wars in your house. This is all the Star Wars you got. There had been one movie out and that's it. There's no droids cartoon, there's none of that stuff. No. So this is the best because it's more Star Wars, who doesn't like more Star Wars. So these opening credits, I really like what they did with, like they introduce everyone as Peter Mayhew as Chewbacca, like you get the actor's name as the person. Harrison Ford as Han Solo. The voice of James Earl Jones because we're just losing footage from the movie.
Exactly. But when they get to R2-D2, they credit it as R2-D2. Kenny Baker's in the special, like the actor, they could have credited the actor. Do we know that Kenny Baker's actually in the garbage can in this? Yeah, Wikipedia says it's actually him. Oh wow. So he didn't even get a credit. That's what they said. Right.
But that preserves some magic for children. Like children watching TV get to still think R2-D2 is like actually a robot, you know? Yeah, don't worry about it. I think that's a fun decision. That's a good job. The subsequent 90 minutes will take care of any residual magic that might have still been clinging to their young minds.
This is a TV special in 1978, and they managed to get B.R. Arthur from Maud and eventually Golden Girls. You got Art Carney from The Honeymooners, one of the biggest shows ever. Harvey Korman from Carol Burnett's show, and B.R.A.S.S. and Saddles.
And Harrison Ford from Star Wars. From Star Wars. I feel like that is a solid variety show lineup, and all three of those actors just slide seamlessly into the Star Wars universe.
Alright, I know we're trying not to do this, but we're finding things that might be good about this. Okay, in the first 10 minutes where it's just three people in their costumes screaming at each other with no subtitles of any kind, the set looks alright. It's definitely a groovy bungalow. Okay, alright. We're getting off track.
It's a groovy wookie bungalow. It's like filmed okay, and with that matte painting of the tree house, that's alright.
They already kind of figured this out, right? Because we're on Chewbacca's home planet, right? Which is Kashyyyk or whatever you want to do. Kashyyyk, you don't actually see it until episode 3, which was until 2005, like 30 years later. They were doing a lot of universe building with the whole thing. That's another point. Yeah, this is the first legitimate piece of universe building for Star Wars. They didn't really know what it was yet, because it was only a year old at this point. All anybody knew was like, well this Star Wars is a big hit, and I don't think anybody really understood why yet, because it wasn't part of like some trilogy yet. Like they didn't add the whole episode for A New Hope subtitle to Star Wars until like 81. Right, it was just called Star Wars. Right.
As far as universe building, this introduces Boba Fett. This is this holiday special, nobody gives this thing credit for it. This is the Boba Fett adventure you all want. This is it. Like he talks, he does things, you're like, oh we need a Boba Fett movie. The Boba Fett movie is in a cartoon that introduces the character in the Star Wars holiday special.
You didn't know that.
He's riding on a dragon when he's introduced. Yeah, like a purple liquid dragon. The dragons are cool.
Yeah. I mean so much of the character they already figured out for this cartoon, it's really strange. Like even like the small detail, like he's got the little like wookie braid. Yeah. The characters aren't exactly the same but like his characterization and like his voice and everything, they, I mean they pretty much nailed Boba Fett like right out of the gate.
So Art Carney from Honeymooners has a shop and we're seeing an Imperial employee on like on their off time, like on their vacation day, like hanging out, checking stuff out. We never see that, ever. That's exciting to get to see like an Imperial employee, just like what do you do when you have Shorely. Weirdly, you notice where like they dubbed, they clearly have dubbed over the Imperial troopers lines in this with like a scary voice. With a very creepy person.
I hate fish. I didn't say the set design was alright, but Art Carney's shop just looks like a tool shit.
But parts of it light up. We're only 20 minutes into this thing. Harvey Korman is doing what Harvey Korman does, he dresses as a lady in a variety special. Great. But like the lady he does in this is basically like a Hunger Games capital lady. Like it's basically, like he's kind of predicting, which I think is very clever of him. Like the apron. Right. Like human utensils, as Harvey Korman instructs her to. Everything around you can wipe stuff off. And she even looks shaggy for a Wookie, and like that can catch on fire so easily in a stove situation. Oh god. Okay. Chewie's dad is watching a hologram. Oh, we are excited, aren't we?
Uh, that's porn. Yeah, porn.
Skip, skip things. Skip things.
Oh, there we go. This is like a good, the Star Wars Holiday Special is a good character piece for Han and Chewie's relationship. Yeah, it is.
In this one, he's f***ing blasting TIE fighters, like flying in between, like threading the needle between Star Wars toys and shit just to get Chewie home for like Christmas. Yeah, they throw a stormtrooper off a balcony. Off the balcony, off his house in front of Chewbacca's giant. Han murders a man in front of Chewbacca's giant to get Chewbacca home for Christmas.
Right. Seeing this special makes me really appreciate Harrison Ford even more, which is an exciting thing to get to do. Like he is very, very good in this, for it being what it is. Yeah, he really gives it, like he shows up, and really makes everything about a horrible situation work purely through Han Solo magic, like at least as much as it could work possibly. He tried? Yeah. And Han Solo is there as Han Solo, so it really sells the space fighting stuff, it's just, that's three minutes of this. So yeah, so an item on this list of great things about the Holiday Special. Right, yeah.
They tried.
Okay, we're finally at Life Day. Yeah. We've made it to Life. Life Day Celebration.
We have all the Wookie's and their creepy cult robes. Well, this is, so I think it's interesting to see any kind of Star Wars entertainment where you see people with beliefs that aren't the Force. Yeah. Like anyone, like we never find out about, because the Force is obviously tangibly provable in this universe, but like not that many people are into it. They're either just Force atheists or into it. We never see anybody who's like, no, I believe this whole other thing over here, and I'm way into it, and I have to be home for it every year. Excuse me, Alex, it's not religion, it's microorganisms in your blood. Yeah. It's science. It's midichlorians.
It's not this cool mystical thing that we wanted it to be. We should also give this holiday special credit for being before the prequels happened. And with those glowing orbs, we've reached the end of the holiday special, guys. Were they blowing glass? I think we've found a lot of, let's not think about it, I think we've found a lot of great things.
Happy Life Day, everybody. When is Life Day? It's a movable feast. It's whenever you want it to be. Oh, cool. Happy Life Day. Hey, guys, thank you so much for watching the Star Wars Holiday Special with us. What do you think Life Day is?
We don't know. We need your help. We can't piece this together at all.
It's a holiday. They walk across space into a light, and then they're in the woods wearing robes, and then they're blowing glass in Chewy's living room. |
cracked | 8_insane_overreactions_caught_on_camera_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and when someone says hi to me I say hi back when someone sticks out their hand. I shake it and when they stick out their fists to give me a pound I Grasp it and shake it like the awkward white I am but there are occasionally those for whom every action warrants an insane and Opposite flipping of the fuck out. I first encountered these people in my favorite kids movie when a guy brought up a bucket He thought his girlfriend was in but instead it's a jacket indicating She joined a kids club named the Goonies, which I'm just realizing is a really weird movie as I described it down here It's our time. It's our time down here But when such a thing transpires I came to expect said boyfriend might react like so When that same guy came across you riding a child's bike down a mountain road You might try to murder you like so That's full-on attempted murder, so let's meet our inductees There's a certain breed of human being who respond to really strange things with an overabundance of joy and wonder And he learned about this breed of person from the double rainbow guy. It's starting to even look like a triple rainbow Fortunately the double rainbow guy is banned from the Troy Perkins Hall of Fame for the same reason Barry Bonds and Mark Maguire Aren't getting into the baseball one performance enhancing drugs Oh Yes, the double rainbow guy is clearly feeling those two rainbows to an unreasonable degree But nobody has ever been so clearly fuller of mushrooms than level 4 3 of Super Mario Brothers But there are those fortunate inductees who like Mike Piazza We can never prove we're on performance enhancing drugs even though come on Piazza Take for instance this guy who is unreasonably jazzed about the guy vaping in the car in front of him Now that video was uploaded in 2016 making it mathematically impossible that he'd never seen someone vaping before He's just really excited to be witnessing what is widely regarded as the lamest way someone can smoke while partaking him What is widely considered to be the most aggravating activity one can partake in being stuck in traffic now? It's possible that he thought the guy was smoking weed But I doubt that impress someone who'd clearly just gotten done smoking all the meth in Missouri, which is so much meth I'm sorry, Missouri, but it's true The only explanation I'm coming up with is that you'd been locked up somewhere for an incredibly long time Like a driving age version of the kid from room, and that's just the first car that stopped in front of you Yeah, the category of biggest overreaction to animals It'd be difficult to defeat Kristen Bell's complete mental and emotional meltdown upon learning their husband had rented a sloth for her birthday party But this reporter is certainly willing to try big black Australop cockerel one of 500 birds that are being judged today at the show He goes from smugly smirking at the big black joke He's clearly making in his mind to so terrified He turns into a scared cartoon character in like zero seconds flat I'd comment on how impressed I was by the endurance of his overreaction if I weren't about to introduce a young woman Experiencing a three-minute long jump scare upon finding herself in the water with a manatee.
Yes a manatee This adorable bag of ass and thigh fat stuffed inside an elephant dick. Sorry manatees You did nothing to deserve that after all when you google manatee attack the first three results are this video a Sarcastically titled video of a guy playing with a baby manatee and a PBS.org article with the pool quote manatees are Anatomically incapable of using their teeth to attack quote I've had to have my hand in a manatee's mouth rose said and you have to put your whole hand in before you reach Teeth now this rose sounds like a stone called badass Let's see how the young lady in the first video reacts upon seeing one of these goofy looking gray turds flip by again manatees I apologize. She literally doesn't know whether to laugh or lose her actual mouth Sorry, you're not finished You know I was gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you just didn't know what a shark looked like But then you screamed that you were going to touch it Oh my god, are you scared or not? You know what just get out of the water Hey, speaking of sustained meltdowns.
This guy is literally insanely excited about a train I've been waiting for this moment for months and it's finally here. I am finally gonna get a heritage unit on camera Yeah, the true joy of this clip is because trains take a long time to pass and he insists on getting the whole thing From heritage model 1989 to caboose.
We get to hear the moments after the flip out which are almost better I Hear him trying to keep his boner up for the camera talking himself and the presumed audience through his irrational exuberance All right, but that's the thing with pure white hot lust can't be put into words and at a certain point He's just all shouted out That is special That is special and that whistle gave me the chills and the chills have absolutely nothing Especially when it comes to a heritage you didn't like that that thing is beautiful Believe I did it And I've been having a lot of bad luck lately, but that just made up for it all Hey, speaking of sustained enthusiasm for inanimate objects Transitions are getting strained just like this guy's voice when he sees water apparently for the first time. I'm excited Well, you look at the out of that. Oh This is the McKinley River just on the front through town. Oh, wow. Well, I can't believe how lucky I am Yeah, well how lucky am I yeah, yeah, yeah Thank you Santa and the Australian people in Mad Max fury Road were less excited to see water They're missing literally 99% of that water terrible waste.
Come on down Keep on coming. Keep it coming.
Come to Papa. Oh, man. You have got to come to America We got these things all over the place You don't even have to coach them or tell them where to go or anything But I know what you're thinking YouTube those movie clips you showed us at the top.
We're all villains Where's the attempted murder?
I was promised here Sound like they're gonna be more words. That's it. They're just now Okay You already don't feel great about what goes on behind the scenes in the relationship between that guy and the monkey he leads around by a noose But man, he can't go 10 seconds without calling it a sucker I mean sure that adorable monkey is being a total bitch, but a sucker Come on Yes, we are open until Thanksgiving Sunday lunchtime I don't know what you want me to say lady, but I'm gonna call this monkey a sucker pretty soon So you better get these cameras off of me. Oh you heard that.
Well good now everyone knows the truth He's a little sucker who sucks little monkey cocks It's all my impression of that guy but my favorite overreaction on the whole wide internet has got to be one Boston accented man's response to seeing a sunfish but Jay says It's a fucking big sea turtle It's a baby fucking wheel man. Holy shit. We are witnessing a baby fucking wheel Here's a sunfish pretty weird, right? They can be as many as 14 feet wide and they'll bask on the surface of the ocean in order to warm in the Sun after a Deep dive when they do seabirds will land on them and pick parasites off their body and yet another example of nature Kicking corporate America's acid synergy. Truly. The natural world is a wonderful thing How could any response be considered an overreaction to such a strange creature Jay stop here? It is right here Jay.
Oh Man, look at this fucking thing. Holy shit. Look at this fucking day Oh man, look at this fucking day. Look at that. Yeah, we shit Will you look at this shit? Oh my god, Jay Jay, look at this. Oh my god. Look at this thing. Oh My look at this fuck. Holy shit. Holy shit, Jay Oh my god, it's important that you understand that this video is four minutes long Yet, he never wavers from a few key talking points one.
What the fuck is that thing? I don't know what this is Oh my god, what the fuck is that bro? Jay? What the fuck is that? What the hell is it? What the fuck is that?
We're seeing some shit. We ain't never seen before kid. Oh my god, man We are seeing some shit. We ain't never seen before what is that fucking thing to that thing looks hurt that thing is big Jay, what is that thing?
It looks hurt. It needs help. Whatever it is, dude. It's dying. Oh my god That thing looks dead man. That thing looks hurt. Jay, that thing is hurt, bro. Oh man, Jay It's dead, bro or something. Oh man, that thing's just dead.
And three, they need to call somebody. What are you gonna call? We're gonna call the aquarium or something, dude. Oh, man We're calling the coast guy.
But then in a twist He decides that the best way to deal with the creature is to hook it with the fishing line and bring it in the boat You want to try to pull it in? Let's hook it. Let's pull up next to that shit, bro Let's help it. Jay, that is still good meat on that fucking fish, kid Am I lying? Come on, man. Let's get that thing Let's fucking hook that shit and we'll be on the fucking news, man. Jay, let's get it. Jay Let's pull it in, dude.
Look at that fucking thing. Oh my god. Let's get that fucking thing in this boat, Jay Come on. Oh my god. Oh, we got it. Oh Shit, Jay. Oh my fucking god. Oh Man we need to fucking go get that shit, bro. Oh Man Jay, that is a fucking that's a tuna, bro Of course, the video is only hilarious until you realize Jay's been dead for years Hey guys, thanks for watching These videos are a joy to make these are literally my favorite types of videos on the entire whole wide YouTube Please like subscribe do all the YouTube stuff and if you know of any other good overreactions Please provide them in the comment section where comments go Yeah, yeah Under the next under the next unit |
TheOnion | Alabama_Middle_Schooler_Jailed_After_Taking_Basketball_Back_Out_From_Under_Her_Shirt | This Alabama middle schooler has been arrested after taking a basketball back out from under her shirt. Last week, 13-year-old Grace Smith placed a basketball under her shirt saying, Look at me, I'm pregnant. But after her PE period was over, she removed the basketball and was immediately reported for terminating her pregnancy under Alabama's abortion ban.
Smith has been jailed and is currently awaiting trial, and has been criticized by pro-life advocates for callously ending the life of an innocent, defenseless basketball. The state of Alabama has noted that they will prosecute to the fullest extent of the law, and that Smith could be facing up to 20 years of jail time. Prosecutors have noted that there will be no leniency, regardless of whether the basketball was forcibly placed under Smith's shirt, or if continuing to carry the basketball for nine months would have presented medical complications. While many are condemning the handling of Smith's case, others are saying that she's getting what she deserves, as that basketball could have one day grown up to be in the NBA.
What do you always look for when casing a house to rob? A crappy car in the driveway. That usually means they keep all their bounty of riches inside. Jackpot. Architectural detail. I wouldn't be caught dead robbing a pre-war home if the fireplace mantle doesn't have its original molding.
Tacky. If there's a single lamp left on, especially for days or weeks at a time, it's always a hard pass. Just too risky.
Always check to see if it is a shoes-off household. We may be robbers but we're not monsters. We're always on the lookout for cute shops in the neighborhood. It's a great way to celebrate a big score. Especially if there's a froyo, it's important to find a family photo you can break to symbolize how fragile the safety of their loved ones really is.
What if their family had been there when I broke in? What would they have done? Would someone have gotten hurt? Do I even have what it takes to protect the ones I'm supposed to love the most? These are the questions they should be asking themselves when they look down at the broken picture frame that I've smashed on the ground on my way out of their once happy home.
A big bowl of loose change. Grab that off the kitchen counter and you're getting away with 15 or 16 big ones baby.
Climate change is here now. Floods, droughts, once in a century storms. And the frustrating part for me as a climatologist is that this could all have been avoided. Scientific consensus is clear.
There is a way to reverse course. And that is for Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg. To try a little harder. People get caught up in altering their personal habits by driving less, or eating less meat, but the reality is this is all in Greta's hands. She could give our children an inhabitable Earth instead of a scorched hellscape if she just cared 30 to 40% more about the fate of our planet.
But she doesn't. I guess because she's lazy.
Sure, she rode that yacht across the Atlantic to raise awareness about the environment, but that only took like two weeks. I mean, come on Greta. Our research shows you could be sailing that yacht 24-7, 365 days a year.
What the fuck? Do you hate the Earth?
Indeed if you look at a chart of CO2 emissions in the years since Greta's birth in 2003, the problem of fossil fuels has only risen. Frankly, it's possible she wants us all to die. Still, we should all hope that one day Greta starts actually making an effort. Like a real effort, not whatever the hell she's doing now. Or else the blood of millions lost to a climate apocalypse could be entirely on her hands. |
TheOnion | NBA_Players_Owners_Agree_That_Both_Sides_Are_Selfish | Alright, first letter's from Doc, of course. Hi, Kenny, this is Doc.
What do you think about Tony La Russa celebrating the Cardinals' World Series birth with a big, disturbing sex party? Classic La Russa. He's meticulous as both a manager and planner of brain-warping horses. Put some faith in the skipper here. According to an invoice, he's already ordered a bunch of electric eels, rented a retirement home, and said he'd be bringing 1,600 gildos. A grotesque corgi is a great motivator. La Russa needs to realize his sex parties get by on the talent of the people having sex in them. He's an unconventional pervert, but you can't go into the fall classic without draining your balls at some weird sex circus place. Alright, don't act like you have a clue about baseball or sex.
Rangers manager Ron Washington knows how to host a celebratory sex party. Coke on glass tables and really fun masks. Flawless organization from top to bottom. I do love having sex at Rangers sex parties.
Next letter's also from Doc Brooks. Doc says, do you think there will be an NBA season this year, you sweating fathead? Doc, first of all, shut up.
Your head's a perfect sphere of grief. My head is wonderful, yours is saddleship.
There is a glimmer of hope. Players and owners found some common ground today as they both admitted they are selfish. Huge step forward for these terrible men, must be gratifying for Dwayne Wade and Dan Gilbert to look each other in the eye and agree they are the personification of self involvement. These players, they're going to cave. Some of them are already tweeting that they're selfish pricks, while others are telling reporters that they're self-obsessed scumbags. The owners are united here. They know they're evil. They announce the tag. Alright, Doc, it's all lip service. If both sides don't lock themselves in a room until they agree, they're all unrelatable monsters who disgust the public at every turn.
Next letter's from Ken K who writes, sad news for soccer star Landon Donovan. Does he have any hope of surviving after being diagnosed with MLS? Well, sorry, Ken K. Landon Donovan is in serious trouble here. MLS is a degenerative condition that affects anywhere from 10 to 500 people per year. British superstar David Beckham came down with MLS in 07 and he's just never been the same. Yeah, odds are he gets put down like Alexi Lawless and all the other MLS victims whose names I can't remember. It's very sad.
Alright, that's the mailbag. I think I hate your letters more than the viewers, Doc. I don't write those.
I have my slave do it for me. They're called interns. It's callous to call them slaves. Stick around. We're drinking beer and falling asleep with chicken in our mouths with our guest, Jon Lester. |
TheOnion | Geologists_Unearth_Fully_Intact_Rock_TikTok_compilation | This could be the most important discovery ever. A team of geologists working in Northern Colorado announced today they had excavated a fully intact rock. The team called it the most flawless specimen of a rock ever unearthed. Unlike past finds, this one helps us see what rocks might have looked like in their intact forms millions of years ago. Now the only question is whether there's a geologic link between rocks, boulders, and pebbles. Who knows? Okay, so this is crazy.
In an unexpected series of successes, all the world's problems were solved overnight while you were sleeping. As you peacefully slumbered in your warm bed, solutions were found for every source of suffering large and small that had long plagued humanity. Everything from climate change, to war, to insect-borne disease. They also eradicated cancer, animal suffering, potholes, infant mortality, coffee steams, traffic jams, TikTok, drought, and nut allergies. All thanks to scientists, activists, and philanthropists who worked tirelessly through the night. Meanwhile, you had a full nine hours of rest to yourself and contributed nothing. Which is for the best, because you would have just gotten in the way. In fact, the only problem left in the whole world is you, and that will thankfully be solved when you die. Sweet dreams.
This could change the way we fight the coronavirus. Today, Pfizer was granted emergency use for this pill that kills you before COVID can. The revolutionary treatment is still only approved to kill high-risk adults, but the FDA believes authorization will soon be expanded to kill anyone 12 or older. Looks like Pfizer just ended everything.
Still worried about global warming? Don't be, because today the UN released their latest climate change report, urging humanity to just remember the good times. The heartfelt farewell letter found that from the development of spoken language to the use of stone tools in agriculture, it's been a great 300,000 years for our species. And no matter what happens next, there's nothing we can do now. We had a heck of a run. Drop your favorite memory about humanity in the comments before it's too late.
Bob Dole is coming back to Congress. Taxidermists have finally finished preserving the former senator and Republican presidential nominee who died last December. After over a month of tanning, salting, and stuffing, the late statesman will be mounted on display in the Capitol rotunda, where he will join other preserved greats in American politics like John McCain, George H.W. Bush, and Diane Feinstein.
The FBI may have finally identified the infamous serial killer known only as Ted Bundy. Authorities believe the man who terrorized the West Coast from 1974 to 1978 was in fact Salt Lake City resident Theodore Robert Bundy, and that his moniker may have been a subtle reference to his actual name, Ted Bundy. The FBI is hoping to use the same methods developed on this case to finally track down the killer known as Jeffrey Dahmer, with officials immediately starting to compile a list of suspects named Jeff.
Instagram is cracking down on child predators by hiring dozens of professional pedophiles to test its program for vulnerabilities. Instagram says the pedophiles have already been able to prey on hundreds of children in just a few days, and the data will be used to protect children in the future. Instagram says it has only hired the most skilled and cagey pedophiles so parents can sleep safe knowing the platform is secure. Instagram officials added that on an unrelated note, if anyone has information on the whereabouts of these men, please contact them as well as local authorities.
NASA astronomers have announced the moon will be visible tonight for the first time in almost 12 hours. Millions of people around the country are staking out positions to witness the rare event. Get your telescopes ready because scientists say there is no way of knowing the next time the moon will appear again.
Archaeologists have discovered even more old shit that sucks. They were digging in the desert for God knows what reason and they found some bones and dirt and cups and some other crap that totally blows. Seriously, who even cares about this? |
ClickHole | this_is_america_pauline | When I was 19 years old, I had a son and I gave him up for adoption. It's not that I wasn't ready to become a mother. It's just that I'd bought a ticket for WrestleMania later that month and I'd forgotten to buy an extra ticket for the baby. I knew I couldn't leave a baby home alone, so I decided to put him up for adoption.
Sometimes I ask myself, did I make a mistake? But I don't think I did.
I had a great time at WrestleMania and the alternative was to stay home and change diapers, which is boring. Last year, my son, who's in his 20s now, got in contact with me. He said he didn't blame me for putting him up for adoption and he asked if I would be willing to meet with him the next day. Unfortunately, that's when SummerSlam was. So I told him I couldn't meet with him because I had plans to watch it on pay-per-view. And he said, well, Mom, would you like to watch it in person? That's when I learned that my son had grown up to become none other than WWE Heavyweight Superstar Big Show. I got to go to SummerSlam as his guest and he paid for everything, even my snacks. That night, I realized that no matter how many doubts I'd had over the years, I really was a pretty great mother after all. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Bri_Lee_Bridie_Jabour_Cool_Story | My name is Clancy Overall and I'm joined of course by Effie Bateman, head of Lifestyle Culture and she knows when everyone's birthdays are. Joining us today, one recurring guest, one first timer, Brie Lee and Brydie Gebort, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having us. This is Brydie so that your audience knows my voice. Yeah and I'm Brie, great to be here. So Brydie the Grafton rebel, South Grafton rebel and Brie the expatriated Queenslander.
Yes.
Proudly and happily. Proud of both. Proud of being there from there and proud of leaving.
You guys have just started a podcast, a video podcast, you could almost argue it's a show. Mate, all the effort, I was actually thinking of our friends who work in morning television this morning as I'm getting ready leisurely at 8am and putting on my lipstick and doing my makeup and checking my hair and I'm like, man, I can't believe Brooke Bonie is thinking this much about how she looks every morning of the week at like 4am. Yeah. They're weapons, how do they do it? I don't know how they do it. But yes, we're on YouTube, we're also wherever you get your podcasts.
Cool story with Brie and Brydie. Shit. Now both writers, authors, Brie, you've been nonfiction. Yes, so far. Yep. And Brydie, you could argue you've done nonfiction too. Yeah. I literally published nonfiction, so you could argue that. I could say I've published nonfiction, yes, Trivial Grievances was a nonfiction series of essays and before that a novel, The Way Things Should Be called The Way Things Should Be because I just thought it was so funny to have a book called The Way Things Should Be by Brydie Jabbour.
And the joke just kept going and going and going until it was just actually the title of my novel. That must be such a hard thing for you guys to do, is slave over a title because you want it to pop, you want it to be relevant, you don't want to be a marketeering freak. I can speak to this at present. So my next book comes out in April next year, it's fiction, so huge exciting change pivot for me. And I had it named one thing for four and a half years of working on it and then needed to change it after feedback from a marketing department, went through the process of having like words on cards on a wall looking like a freaking freak, like swapping things around, came to a second title that everyone was happy with and now just heard last week that we need to change it again. Oh, that's tight. Why do you need to change it again? Okay, so what I'm really good at is sitting by myself in a room for five years working on a book. What I am not good at is marketing. Yeah, like that's not my job and I have a huge amount of respect for the people for who that is their job and we all win if my book has a title that actually sells it. So you decided the second title wasn't good, I thought it had been signed off and everything. No, it's like a round table discussion with my publisher and like the marketing people, the sales people, the publicity people and my actual person. Basically the writer, the publisher and all of the overrated common sense in the room. It's a tough one. I feel like authenticity pops no matter what, right? Can you say what the first title is?
Yeah, okay. Don't be annoying. No, I don't want to be annoying. Well, now that it will definitely not be called this, I can talk about it. So what I, it's pretty funny actually.
What I called it for many, many years was Providence, provenance. And the feedback I got, I'm not saying I agree or disagree with this, but the feedback I got was that an insufficient spread of the public understand separately what the words Providence and provenance actually mean and put together it would be too much and too confusing. They were worrying about me. And then my partner said, yeah, I asked for his advice.
He hasn't read it yet. He doesn't read it till it's like finished.
And I was like, well, what do you think about Providence, provenance? And he goes, oh, it's a bit like the rural juror. I also did hear your agent refer to it at the end of last year as PP, the PP book, PP by Bre Lee. So as you can see, listeners, there's a flow in chemistry in this particular combination of Bre Lee and Brydie Jabbour. And I do want to kind of comment on the different backgrounds you both had before getting into writing. Bre, you have a legal background, which I'll let you explain, cause I don't know enough about that world to use the right terminology.
And Brydie, you were on the grind, Gold Coast Bulletin. You know, you came up through Queenslands. I am spiritually a Queenslander, I came, I got a cadet at the Gold Coast Bulletin and then I worked at Brisbane Times, which is 9 slash Fairfax's online news website. So I was there, I was in Queensland for my formative years, 18 to 24 ish. So you got to understand the unique just way of life up there. And legally, you would have seen that too, Bre, I mean, you wrote about it. Yeah, talking about the grind. So yeah, I went through law school and then worked for a year in the Queensland District Court and then wrote my first book, which torched my legal career, but did well enough that I now have this much more fun, enjoyable career of being a writer.
What would you have done? I have actually wondered this, and I always keep forgetting to ask you, even though I've known you for years and see you all the time, but I always forget to ask, that book was a great success, but what would you have done if it wasn't? Because it would have torched your legal career, even if it wasn't a success, wouldn't it?
Totally. Nobody was, everyone was surprised by how well that book went, because for context, it's a lot about inbuilt misogyny, like rampant misogyny in the legal system. But before it was cool to talk about misogyny. Exactly. I started writing it before Harvey Weinstein, before Me Too. It came out before Me Too, didn't it? No, it came out the year.
That's why, so like, my publisher took a punt on it when that was not a thing. It's very interesting because in the world of publishing, there's just such, like it takes such a long time, right, to write a book, and then there's usually at least a year's delay between when you finish the draft and when it comes out. If you're trying to catch a wave, you'll be too late, and it's just that sometimes it happens. Yeah, it's a lot of hard work, but I was also very, very lucky with like the year and the month even that that book was published.
No one was more surprised than I, but yeah, I took that risk. What led you to make that gamble? Bush and pool factors.
I mean, there was, I only worked in law for that one year after graduating, and I was always the youngest and most inexperienced person in any room, let alone the courtroom. But just what I was seeing was so fucking blatantly outrageous and unethical. Then, like a very long story made very short, I went to the cops and made a complaint about something that was done to me. And then two years of an investigation unfolded, and I got all the way to trial, and I just realized there was so few people who had work experience in the court system in any state or territory who were willing to risk their careers by speaking openly about it. And then there were even fewer who had seen what that process was like from the other side, from start to finish as a complainant, like as someone trying to access justice, going all the way through having absolutely no power and no control and being the last one to know. And so, honestly, at that time in my life, I was also just so cooked and burned and sort of re-traumatized and feeling so wrecked that I sort of couldn't fathom trying to go straight into a law job, certainly not in Brisbane, but also by then, like there's no way I would work defense after what I had seen was the sort of cultural norm in that city and state. But then if I wanted to go to the DPP, like it was unfathomable to me that I would go and apply for a job and then have to say, by the way, I actually have a case that's active on one of your desks. Like so in a way, there were like, there were just so many push and pull factors that I just, then I just felt like someone had to fucking talk about it.
And when you did, I want to know, did you get, and you do a little bit of stuff and now you go and talk to people in that world and you kind of, you're viewed as someone who's saying the quiet bit loud. Do you get the old veterans, the old female kind of legal eagles coming up and saying, thank you for doing this or we've been waiting for you or something like that? I would not. Waiting for someone like you. There are a lot of people who are glad that somebody was finally like willing to take their word. But there's been, I would say 20 to one, like 20 people who have been glad to read what I wrote. And these are, I'm just saying 20 to one who have somehow communicated that with me or like fucking tagged me in a review on Instagram.
But then there was also serious pushback from specifically the legal community in Brisbane and people, there was a like character assassination campaign. People lied about how I wrote the book. People lied about me having like backstabbed the great judge that I worked for, which was not at all true. Like people were just saying any shit about me they could.
It's one of those cities where it's just small enough that you can't kind of hide away either. Everyone's on it.
And it was fucking classic ad hominem. And like something, the phrase I came up with for my second big book was like, there's a defensive spark sometimes when you have offended against somebody's right to believe in themselves. And when I cop hate often these days, now that it's been a few years, like it really hurt for a while and it was like difficult made both mine and my partner's life quite difficult. But these days, now that the book's been out for so long, most of the people who are still trying to talk shit about it in some way as saying a lot more about themselves than they are about me. But you still have maintained this ability to burn bridges and roll grenades into rooms.
Namely, your most recent article on what's been happening in the Australian fashion world, which I know the same shit would be happening now. And dinner parties around Australia, they'd be questioning how you went about that and what you said and what you saw and everything. Personally, I thought it was delicious what you wrote. And I felt like there was like a paralysis in Australian media to talk about the things you talked about. The title, which is glorious, which I cannot personally take credit for, for the editorial team at the Monthly, it's called Dettaporte, which is a pun on the like huge online retailer Nettaporte. So I'm going to be very cautious about how I articulate what the article is about, as I think we all should be. Yeah, the paralysis, I'm just going to say the paralysis in the Australian media about this is more about our like very bad defamation system and how difficult something like that is to follow.
I don't think they're taking money from too many big fashion people in Australian media. So the human side of the story, which we can just speak about, is that there are garment manufacturers, makers, individual human beings living in particular out in Western Sydney, like Western Western Sydney and inner Western Sydney, who are overwhelmingly, as you can probably imagine, from like migrant backgrounds, or at least certainly not English first language backgrounds, these are not rich people, they're certainly not sort of fancy people who have any kind of media connections, you never hear their names, and yet they are the ones who actually make the clothes that then end up on the celebrities. When Elleryland proprietary limited, which is the full business name, one of the many business names of Kim Ellery's, like fashion design label in Australia, when Elleryland went into voluntary receivership in 2019, it did so with over $2 million in unsecured creditors.
And what my article in the monthly does is essentially a bit of good old fashioned forensic accounting, looking into ASIC records about shell companies, and at what dates certain transfers of money and transfers of trademarks were made. And I went and interviewed these makers, and that took Mandarin interpreters in particular. Yeah, yeah, it was that was a huge component to this story was the same reason why they couldn't speak out about the debts that they were owed in 2019. It's layers of power, right, layers of like access. And I went and spoke to one of the partners at Mark lawyers, who was telling me that the corporate regulator is completely useless to try and help unsecured creditors in circumstances like this, because the crux of the argument is that it was not fair that Ellery continued trading overseas, and then also has still subsequently done very lucrative, great big business deals on like collaborations back in Australia, where there are still these makers whose lives were ruined and derailed by how much debt they got into making for Ellery when Ellery then did not pay those debts. And the final thing I would say about it, which you raised, is that my bigger frustration was how the story of Ellery's extraordinary success just kept being told in the same way, even with this same sort of rhetoric, even after the closure in 2019. And all the people whose lives were sort of in ruins after that closure, just had to sort of suck it up. Yeah, it's all swept under the rug. They weren't girl bosses, they were non-English speaking immigrants in warehouses. Is that what you're saying, her narrative was the rags to riches?
Yeah, and even verbatim there was this big article in the Fin Review, in a glossy lift out from the Fin Review, when she was sort of on her meteoric rise, and her whole thing was from the Pilbara to Paris, and it's just, yeah, so... P.P. again. It's a theme in brief life. The Pilbara to Paris. That might be a non-fiction book yet. And just to reiterate, neither myself nor The Monthly have ever suggested that Kim Ellery engaged in illegal activities.
Brydie, tell me about some of the big stings. Are you the one that blew open the taxi cartel paying off the Cata families? No Uber in Queensland! What were my big stings in Queensland?
Well I flew to Longreach to hang out with Prince Charles and Camilla. Ew! What was that like? I didn't actually hang out with them, you don't get anywhere near them, but it was amazing being in Longreach. It would be hard to not get near them in a town like Longreach. Actually I was right in front of Camilla, she has amazing skin, IRL.
But as a devoted Republican, both in the Australian sense and in the Irish sense.
I wasn't overly impressed by them, but his suits were amazingly well cut. Did they not do any background checks on you? It was my editor who knew me very well who sent me and I was like, okay. They didn't think to ask about where your mother was on a certain day in Irish history. So I got up close and personal with them there, but it was, well, I'm not even talking about the big scoops, I'm just talking about the funny moments in my career.
Another very funny moment in my career to look back on is when I was growing up in Grafton, everyone was into the NRL, I watched the NRL, I like vaguely went for the bunnies, but that was about it. And I would watch games and obviously for the South Grafton rebels, my cousins all played in those teams, you know, I'd go to McKittrick Park a lot. Loved the rebels, hated the ghosts. But new football, but wasn't like completely devoted. And when I was 19, there was like some football camp. Oh, there was an origin camp, some football camp. It was the Maroons origin camp and I got sent to do like the colour of it, you know, see the players and get a few quotes.
So I interview a player and at the end I'm like, OK, and what's your name? And he's like, Jonathan Thurston. And I said, and how do I spell that? And he's just like J-O-N-A-T-H-J-N. And I was like, and what's your position? And he's like, I'm the captain.
And then I did the same thing to Mal Meninga. And he was so lovely and so cool about it. And I then later on in my life, met my husband and became like a very devoted North Queensland Cowboys fan and was actually physically there in the stadium in 2015. And, you know, he brought the house down. What an incredible night. And so I still laughed myself. I'm like, oh, my God, right. You didn't like you had the opportunity of meeting him and you didn't know at the time. But credit to him. He was so lovely and cool.
Didn't bat an eyelid. It wasn't until I walked away.
The photographer was like, did you seriously just ask JT what his name is? It's so good that you became a devoted fan later. Yeah, of his team. Everyone else in that stadium remembers the first time they saw JT, which was this young kid came up from, you know, Lala to Toowoomba to Townsville. You're like, the first time I saw JT, I was asking him how to spell his name.
Yeah, and he was famous. He was playing for the Maroons and he was famous. But he was cool. And I always respected he was cool because it is funny in this profession who gets shitty and who doesn't.
And you remember Indy on the Gold Coast, the car. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So that used to be where they shut down the entire city. Yeah, they shut down Service Paradise.
Well, it's not V8s, they're Indy cars. Well, maybe they do V8s as well, but they're, you know, that specific Indy cars.
And so it's a huge thing for the Gold Coast. We covered it.
And I was at some night and asked a driver his name like doing social photographs where you take photos of people and take down their names, a very junior job. And I asked this guy his name, this French Indy car driver, and I can't remember his name. And he got so shitty at me and was like, you should know my name. And he said, how do you even call yourself a journalist? And stormed off. He has no right to assume that you would know who he is, a French Indy driver. Exactly, like JT should get mad at me in Queensland while he's in his Maroons game for not knowing who he is.
Even if somebody goes, how do you spell that? And Madonna is like M-A-D-O-N-N-A. Just don't be a dick. Exactly.
And JT wasn't a dick, but this Indy car driver wouldn't even tell me his name.
So as we can see, there's two different careers, two different brands of journalism. You're like, Brydie, you are on the beat, you've been on the beat and you've been covering, you know, the news cycle. Bree, you've been, you know, biding your time and shooting people with arrows into the heel. Yeah, I'm a little stealthy glass cannon. Stealthy, more investigative with that kind of stuff.
Where did you two meet? Was it at a writing festival, writers festival?
Brydie, you should tell this story. Is there a cute story? There's a deranged story.
So Bree and I, our books actually came out the same year. You'll still find hers on the shelf. The way things should be by Brydie Gervaux, little bit more difficult to find in 2023 than it was in 2018. So my book came out in 2018 around the same time as Bree. And in December 2017, I'd given birth to my first child.
And I was actually, when I was in labour, I was actually sending back edits, which I didn't need to do. That didn't need to be done. That was just me being a psycho. Anyway, so the book.
And so when we both got booked for Brisbane Writers Festival, I'd read Bree's book and loved it. And actually was specifically looking for her at the festival.
Also because of my great affection for Queensland. I love it when there's like a successful writer outside of Sydney and Melbourne. You know, I love Sydney. I love living here.
But it was, I read her book. I loved it. Also, I loved that she was a Brisbane girl. I was at Brisbane Writers Festival five months after I'd given birth and looking for Bree Lee. And I spot her at the opening night party. And I go out and I said, oh, hi, like I'm bridey. I read your book. I loved it. She was very nice. And, you know, we got chatting. And then she was with like one or two other mates and also her publisher, Jane, who I always remember her reaction the most.
For some reason, I went into an incredibly detailed blow by blow account of my birth. That went for like 25 minutes. It went for a very long time.
The colour, they weren't bored though. They were like shocked. And like the colour drained from their faces. They were all younger than me. Only a few years. But the colour drains from their faces.
And I remember Jane, your publisher, sitting kind of a little bit in the background. And the look on her face was, why is this girl telling them this story? Why is this? But then we kept talking outside. So they asked you, what's been going on with you?
And then outside I was, that was when I like, I stopped smoking. That was my first attempt at being a non-smoker and my first attempt at being a non-smoker. I was, of course, after three beers, standing outside smoking.
And we talked and talked and talked all night. And I remember being like, you want a cigarette? And you're like, no. And I'm like, OK, I'll add another. That's weird. I was smoking. You were, but I was smoking more because you had one and then you had enough. And I was like, I will never have enough. It's a very romantic idea of the writers. We met, we had a cigarette. I told her an incredibly graphic story about her.
And really moved to Sydney and we just kept running into each other and hanging out. And I do think that there is a thing in Sydney of being friends with and hanging out with people who aren't from here. Like didn't grow up here. The last time I had a big house party, I was looking around because I've been in Sydney now for four years. And the last time I had a big house party, I was looking around and realized that three quarters of the friends we have here are not actually from Sydney.
No one's from Sydney. It's hard, yeah. No one's ever from Sydney. The biggest names that come out of Sydney. It's like Nicole Kidman, she's from England. No one's from Sydney.
They're not living at home. That's a big thing too about getting out there in the world is not having a single bed to resort to.
Exactly. I have a couple of friends who I deigned to let them into my friendship circle who grew up in Sydney. And I was just telling one of them, a guy the other week, he went to this school. I can never remember the names, but he pointed it out to me when we were at Circular Key. He's like, that's my school. I'm like, are you serious? And he's like, got a view of the harbour at the Opera House. I'm like, that's where you went to school? And he's like, yeah.
And I'm like, no wonder you're so brain damaged. I'm sorry. But if you go to school every day and look at this view and thinks it's normal, you can't come out a normal human being. There's nowhere to work up from that. I also wouldn't learn anything if I had the harbour out the window. Imagine that. Did you learn anything anyway? I can't imagine you being married to both students. Vulture Street was just riveting. I imagine your report card is a distraction to others.
High maintenance. High maintenance student. High maintenance.
I love school. I was great at school.
Were you a pleasure to teach, Bridie? No, I wasn't a pleasure to teach. I was, um, I was taught too much, but is, but is very engaged in our work or like very, um, works hard and, but talks too much. I wasn't a pleasure to teach.
What about you Effie? I always need to apply myself more. That was mine. What about you? What were you?
Pleasure to teach. Just enthusiastic. Just, yeah. Just always be like, Bri brings a great energy to class. I like that. That's nice.
I think I got a little bit of the good energy, but like too much, too much, you know. We, we liked the kid, but he's fucking annoying. Is that what you're raising now? Two rowdy Irish, Italian, Lebanese, North Queenslanders? Oh my God.
My, my son has just started school and got his first school report. He's in kindergarten and he got his first school report and he's learning to read, which is a thrill for a parent to watch and like blows your mind watching someone learn.
So, and I'm like, look at this genius. He's tearing it up. He just saw the word it in a sign and then I got his report card back and basically it was all competencies were like basic and all effort was outstanding. And I was like, oh, he's trying really hard, but maybe he's a bit of a himbo. And his big comment was he approaches everything with a zest for life. And I was like, oh, he's his mum's son.
I love that so much. I feel like they go further. It's always like the, I feel like the kids who like the genius students in primary school, you know, they're the ones they kind of learn to coast and then don't apply themselves as much after school.
But it's, I don't want to give, I want to crack wizard. I'm raising crackers in CRAIC as in loves the crack. I don't want, I don't want a genius. I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, yeah, it's fun.
My brother did not translate that at my wedding and at my wedding, got up in front of everyone. And it was like people from all different walks of my life, from school, my family, obviously my extended family, tons of people from the Guardian and like people I'd met in Sydney.
And he just kept saying, Bridie loves the crack and Bridie's great crack. And he's someone who never explained what he means. And so I could see some people being like, what is he talking about, crack Bridie? Anyway, but crack wizard means like you're just tons of fun.
And I'm more focused on my kid having a sick one then, you know, he's going to be fine. I'm sure that he's smart. He's going to be fine.
As you can see, listeners, this is an incredible kind of, we've got several gears here on this podcast. Cool story with Bridie and Bridie. As we said, we could talk about eggshell skulls. We can talk about hyperactive young boys. And there's a gel, right? Have people told you that when you're out and about that you guys... Chemistry, chemistry. Yes, that's the word we get, great chemistry. See, this is who we want discussing whatever you're discussing each week. And it is topical, right?
Like your podcast will cover what's in the news. So it's like the biggest story of the week. And we do a bit of analysis and that can be anything from like the housing crisis to illegal logging to stats around drinking and marijuana use by 40 year olds. And then it's also like the story that everyone's talking about in the week, like what you've seen go viral that week.
Which doesn't get dissected, like it doesn't. We just have before, we're sitting there looking at these screens forced to... Yeah, and so we dissect that and we also, we have to obviously talk about books. But I think we make, is it a conscious effort or is it that we're both just incredibly interesting? But we make an effort... We were ugly at the right times. But I think we make an effort to talk about books that you might not necessarily have heard of as well. So we won't talk about the books that, you know, the biggest hit of the month. There's a lot of... You know what I only...
Yeah, what I only realized this week as well is that what I like that our show does and the way I think about it is that books, as I've already said, take years. They take years to write and then years to release. And they're sort of like the long and slow burn, but they can and often do make huge cultural impact. What I like about our show is that you get a discussion of that like long slow burn culture and an understanding of how that connects to the things that happen every week. Because otherwise I feel like if I don't have the books and the long slow burn pieces, I'm just consuming dozens and dozens of news stories every single week with no ability to contextualize them or appreciate how far we've come. Or is this the same conversation we were having a decade ago or is it actually new and different?
Oh, that's a great way to say that we're really interesting and smart. Yeah, exactly. Well, thank you for joining us. I feel more interesting and smarter having sat here and had this young.
Where can we find you? Want to hear a cool story? Find us wherever you get your podcast. We're also on YouTube if you want to see what we look like when we're talking.
And Brie always wears like a great, elegant outfit. And I wear what I'm wearing. And people rave about Brighty's curls.
Just leave that as a teaser for the audio. Both beautiful hair. I love it. I know it works so well for our promo photos. Yeah. But you do get mistaken for Annabelle Crabb. Yes. Maybe we'll be big enough that one day she'll be mistaken for me. Oh, I just have one last question. You guys talk about pretty, you know, high brow topics.
I would like to know what is your disgusting, guilty pleasure? Like you went to Love Island and like what is something you're a little bit shamed? I would never be ashamed of my trashy taste.
But I actually cannot watch Love Island because of how much it consumes my entire life. So I will not read anything. I will like be so disengaged at work. Every bit of free time is filled with Love Island to the point where when the last season I was watching, I went out for a lunch that turned into a dinner.
My husband was at home looking after the boys. He's like bride is out, whatever, went to bed. He woke up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom.
And I was sitting there watching Love Island. Oh my God, you've heard? This is how obsessed I get. And then he walked out and I just heard behind me, are you serious? So that is how much I love Love Island. And at the moment, my trashy taste is and just like that.
So what about you, Bree? What's your?
I'm profoundly uninterested in everything. I don't have any guilty pleasures.
I do spend longer than I ought to scrolling through Reddit every week. Oh, I love Reddit. But I justify that to myself because I need to know what's going on.
Well, we got all that and more on Bree and Brydie available where you get your podcasts and YouTube. There's a gel, right? If people told you that when you're out and about that you guys. Chemistry, chemistry. Yes, that's the word we get. Great chemistry. See, this is who we want discussing whatever you're discussing each week. And it is topical, right?
Like your podcast will cover what's in the news. So it's like the biggest story of the week and we do a bit of analysis. And that can be anything from like the housing crisis to illegal logging to stats around drinking and marijuana use by 40 year olds. And then it's also like the story that everyone's talking about in the week. Like what you've seen go viral that week.
Which doesn't get dissected. Like it doesn't.
We just have before we're sitting there looking at these screens forced to. Yeah. And so we dissect that. And we also we have to obviously talk about books. But I think we make is it a conscious effort or is it that we're both just incredibly interesting? But we may we make an ugly at the right time. I think we make an effort to talk about books that you might not necessarily have heard of as well. So we won't talk about the books that, you know, the biggest hit of the month. There's a lot of, you know, what I only yeah.
What I only realized this week as well is that what I like that our show does and the way I think about it is that books, as I've already said, take years. They take years to write and then years to release. And they're sort of like the long and slow burn. But they can and often do make huge cultural impact. What I like about our show is that you get a discussion of that like long, slow burn culture and an understanding of how that connects to the things that happen every week. Because otherwise, I feel like if I don't have the books and the long, slow burn pieces, I'm just consuming dozens and dozens of news stories every single week with no ability to contextualize them or appreciate how far we've come. Or is this the same conversation we were having a decade ago or is it actually new and different?
That's a great way to say that we're really interesting and smart. Yeah, exactly. Well, thank you for joining us. I feel more interesting and smarter having sat here and had this young.
Where can we find you? Want to hear a cool story? Find us wherever you get your podcast. We're also on YouTube if you want to see what we look like when we're talking.
And Bree always wears like a great, elegant outfit. And I wear what I'm wearing. And people rave about Brighty's curls.
Just leave that as a teaser for the audio. Both beautiful hair. I love it. I know it works so well for our promo photos. Yeah. But you do get mistaken for Annabelle Crabbe. Yes. Maybe we'll be big enough that one day she'll be mistaken for me. Oh, I just have one last question. You guys talk about pretty, you know, highbrow topics.
I would like to know what is your disgusting, guilty pleasure? Like you went to Love Island. Like what is something you're a little bit ashamed? I would never be ashamed of my trashy taste.
But I actually cannot watch Love Island because of how much it consumes my entire life. So I will not read anything. I will like be so disengaged at work. Every bit of free time is filled with Love Island to the point where when the last season I was watching, I went out for a lunch that turned into a dinner.
My husband was at home looking after the boys. He's like, bride is out, whatever, went to bed. He woke up at two a.m. to go to the bathroom.
And I was sitting there watching Love Island. Oh, my God, you've heard? This is how obsessed I get. And then he walked out and I just heard behind me, are you serious? So that is how much I love Love Island. And at the moment, my trashy taste is and just like that.
So what about you, Brie? What's your?
I'm profoundly uninterested in everything. I don't have any guilty pleasures.
I do spend longer than I ought to scrolling through Reddit every week. Oh, I love Reddit. But I justify that to myself because I need to know what's going on. Well, we got all that and more on Brie and Bridie available where you get your podcasts and YouTube. |
cracked | why_toy_story_is_secretly_terrifying_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Not overplayed at this point? Like I wrote this episode, but I know we're not going to strike terror in anyone's hearts. Whatever. It's fun.
Anyway, Toy Story is an almost universally beloved franchise about what if toys were alive and now I'm going to ruin it because I'm on the wrong side of history. There's a dark Toy Story prequel movie we're never going to get. I know they're working on a fourth Toy Story right now, and I also know that it's going to be a love story between Bo and Woody. All this means we're not going to get the Toy Story movie I Want, which is the prequel, about why the toys decided to be servants in the first place. Toys are alive, but by the time we meet them in the first Toy Story movie, all of them accept Buzz, and as we will learn in the future subsequent Buzz toys, know that they're toys.
They collapse and pretend to be inanimate whenever a human is around because they know that they're not allowed to be alive, which is insane. At some point in the past of this timeline, something happened. The toys were taught that theirs was a life of servitude, or they tried to coexist with humans, and that didn't work, and there was a conflict that beat them into submission. But something happened that brought us to the current status quo where toys are willing slaves to pleasure the humans they know will eventually discard them. Nothing is born knowing servitude. Something must have happened to get all toys everywhere to be on the same page. And what the f**k was that? What could have happened to the toys to convince them that even though they're all immortal, they need to pretend to be inanimate for children, planet Earth's sh**iest export? The toys accept their low place in the world, even the most rebellious among them like Stinky Pete and Lasso don't do anything to change the status quo. I can't fathom an event that would make humans behave that way, which means whatever happened to the toys to make them embrace a life of silent servitude is worse than something I could imagine. And it happened at some point to those toys. We'll never see that story. We'll never know why the toys chose this life, probably because that would be a terrible movie for children. It would ruin the children.
But hey, speaking of ruined children, Andy the Friendless Virgin is the kind owner of all the toys in the Toy Story saga. He seems like a perfectly nice kid, but in Toy Story 3, he is still talking to and very possessively fond of his toys and dolls. He's 17.
He's about to go off to college to spend 4 years not f**king and he's like, should I throw out my Mr. Potato Head? I don't know. You've got bigger problems, Andy. Do you really think I should donate these? No one has held on to a Mr. Potato Head for as long as Andy has.
You've got to keep them together because they're madly in love. I understand holding onto a few things for sentimental value. There are certainly things in my apartment that I don't use but will still never throw out. But he's still been hanging on to the Slinky Dog all this time?
Look at the design. It can't even function as an actual honest to Christ stare going down Slinky. It ruins the best part of Slinkies and Dogs.
Am I the asshole? I didn't think so. Why is no one talking about this?
Also, why do you still have it, Andy? Did you not get any additional toys or hobbies between the first and third movies? Or is your goofy ass t-rex toy a real hit with the ladies you don't bring home? Why is Andy still keeping all these toys around?
He asked prepared to answer it immediately. Great question.
It's because I don't think he has any friends. Or at least he doesn't seem to have any good friends.
A big plot point in the first Toy Story revolves around Andy's birthday party. All the toys are freaking out because they're worried that Andy is going to get cool new toys from his friends and then he won't have a place in his life for his old toys. But it's fine. They don't have to worry about anything after all because none of his friends brought exciting toys.
Few.
Fucking. Andy's friends are dog shit. Not one of them brought a present that Andy actually used ever in the entire run of the franchise.
One of them brought bed sheets and the characters even the potato head even knows that that's a bad gift. Okay, it's bed sheets. Who invited that kid? It can't be stressed enough. The thing is right. Bed sheets are fucking awful gifts. If I had a child and it wanted to give another child bed sheets, I'd have to be like, hey, wife bad news. Our kids obviously a serial killer. Definitely don't let him give bed sheets to other children.
But this isn't about Andy's clearly disturbed friends. It's about clearly disturbed Andy. He's got a social disease of some kind, right? That's the only explanation I can muster when faced with the evidence, which to recap. One, his friends give him terrible presents that suggest they don't really know anything about Andy, implying that he has problems connecting with people. Two, he has an unusual attachment to the toys that he should by all rights have outgrown.
Forget about it.
What even is the logic for the title of these? Here are some undeniable truths. The toys are immortal. The toys exclusively exist to be played with. That's how they experience joy. They were not thrust into this world gasping for meaning like some kind of dumb human. They burst out of the scene with a known singular purpose to play and be played with.
Toy Story 3 is almost entirely about how the toys are word that Andy has outgrown them. And they're saved at the end when they find a new young child to be their owner. And it's a great walk off into the sunset moment, except that girl is also going to grow up and also no longer care about having all those toys around. The best case scenario for the toys is to be constantly handed down to younger children forever, but that is in no way a sustainable model because Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head are redundant right f***ing now. At best, the toys will have a few more years, but at worst and at most likely, they're going to end up in a dump, or a sewer, or under a solid inch of dust in the attics of the forgotten past.
What even is... Whatever.
Let's talk about Sid. You and I know that the toys are alive in the Toy Story universe. And you and I know that Sid is a monster because he destroys and tortures a bunch of living, sentient things. But you know who doesn't know that? Sid. Lonely, friendless Sid, who was by all accounts a very creative child, had no idea the toys he was frank and signing had hearts and souls and personalities.
He was just taking a bunch of old used toys and remaking them to be the kinds of toys he wanted. A thing that I and a lot of other restless, imaginative people did as children. That's a true story. I was into wrestling action figures as a kid, and they didn't sell the wrestlers that I wanted. My buddy Chris and I would get together and build our own action figures with sanders and paint and that modeling clay that you can harden if you bake it. We used a lot of parts from other action figures and repurposed them. It was very delicate work, actually, that, oh, f*** you. The point is I reworked and broke a lot of toys because I liked making and building and being creative and inventing my own action figures kept me off the streets.
If you had told me that all the toys I'd been manipulating had thoughts and brains and souls, and that I was hurting them, I'd never be able to live with myself. At the end of Toy Story, when Woody and the other toys come out to Sid, it looks like a victory for all the toys, but really they're basically telling Sid a child with no friends and what is clearly a tough home life, hey, you're like a little Hitler, did you know that? If you were playing with toys, secondhand toys providing you the only joy you have in your life, no, sorry, you've been Hitler-ing this whole time, you're a monster. Also, toys are real and they're everywhere and they are always watching you. He'll never be able to go to sleep again because toys are immortal and unstoppable and holy hell, there's millions of them. So play nice. Woody, you f***ing maniac. Also, Sid's the only one in the world who knows that toys are alive and no one will ever believe him. He was already a weird, troubled outcast and this is just going to push him even farther to the fringe of society. Toy Story has a history with side characters whose lives get ruined.
In Toy Story 2, Al, Val's toy barn, he's been saving and preserving rare toys his entire life. He kept Stinky Pete, that prospector, in the box for God knows how long. And then he finds Woody at a garage sale and his whole life of saving toys gets paid off. His plan was not to destroy Woody, but to sell him to a museum so Woody and his whole gang could be safe forever. Well, he'll never get the chance because all the toys make a daring escape saving Woody and the whole damn Woody gang.
Al booked a ticket to Japan to sell these toys, an expensive ticket. He only booked because he thought he was coming into his fortune.
Yes! You got a deal!
And now he's broke and broken. What kind of lesson is that? He was a collector who spent his life preserving toys and the movie was like, no, no, f*** this guy. We hate him. He's fat. He doesn't deserve happiness. He must be so confused because his toys just, like, f***ed off.
He'll never know what happened to them. They disappeared. It's a real bummer.
What? What the f***?
We don't even get, like, a lightning round? We usually get...
Okay. The episode's over, I guess. Got some other stuff I want to see, but it's fine.
Andy's dad split on the whole family. That's clear, right? That had to be a hugely depressing thing. Plenty of people grow up being raised by a single parent and they turn out just fine. It's obviously not a death sentence or anything. I should bring it up because it's, like, it's obvious to me.
There was a father in the picture, but then he left shortly after the baby's sister was born. He didn't die. He walked out on his family.
That's why there's no dad in any of the Toy Story movies. That's why they move at the end of the first movie into an objectively smaller house. That's why Andy clings so hard to a cowboy and an astronaut, two glaring symbols of conventional male authority. He's no father figure in his life. Of course he's going to turn to analog for John Wayne and Neil Armstrong.
Of course. Kid needs a hero. Really, though? Andy? You need a hero? Go ask mom. Single mother raising two kids and a dog? That's a hero in this guy's book. Anyway, join us next week when our topic will be why Andy from Toy Story is clearly a child of divorce.
Oh, we were going to do it. Okay. Sounds like we'll be able to dig into that next time. That's nice. Bye.
Hey, thank you so much for watching that video. Make sure you subscribe and you watch other videos and in the comments, tell me what I did wrong. What did I miss?
It's secretly not depressing about Toy Story. That's a terrible prompt. The movie itself is not depressing and it's not a secret. You know what? Don't even comment at all. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_dan_levy | Please welcome Mr. Dan Levy. My name is Dan Levy, and I say that because there's another guy in Canada named Dan Levy, and he's in Canada and hosts some MTV Hills Canada show.
I don't know him, might be a cool guy, might be a dick.
Congrats on his success.
But apparently, he went on his Canada show and called Chris and Stuart from Twilight a Bitch. I don't know this, I'm in America getting real shit done. And then next day, no, wake up in the morning, I have a thousand twelve emails subject, Fuck you Dan Levy, we love vampires.
Alright, this is interesting. So I opened the email, okay, this is the real email that I got, okay.
Dear Dan Levy, you don't know shit, you stupid MTV idiot.
You're probably just jealous because you want to look like Robert Patterson.
But you won't, so fuck you.
I love vampires. I'm reading this, I'm like, what the fuck did I do last night? I like vampires.
So I started googling, figured this guy out, you know, I was like, oh, there's a Dan Levy. Let me contact him. So I emailed him. Okay, so I emailed Dan Levy, so I really emailed Dan Levy. Dear Dan Levy, Dan Levy here.
Ha ha ha. You probably recognize me for those Google alerts.
Anyways, you might want to pump the brakes on the whole Kristen Stewart's a bitch thing because I'm getting your hate mail. You stupid MTV idiot. You're probably just jealous because you want to look like Robert Patterson. But you won't, so fuck you.
I love vampires.
Later right back, so I'm waiting for Dan Levy to talk to Dan Levy. |
dropout | if_the_other_party_wins | Now fire is the heat and light given off by a chemical reaction. Which flame do you think is hotter?
The yellow or the blue? Oh, yellow.
No, I'm sorry, Caitlin. Come on up here and pay your wrong answer tax. Anyone else? I'm not out of the lead. Oh, Kumbaya, you are so cute. Here's your scholarship to Yale without a Victorian. Hey, thank you, Mrs. Lady. I have a headache. Can you go see the nurse? Sure. You just need to fill out the paperwork.
Hey, through the middle of the stairs!
How was your abortion today, honey? Fine. Like the rest, I guess.
Well, 10 is a big milestone. So, we got you a gift. Aw, thanks, Mom. Mom, Mom, Dad, and Dad who married a box turtle. We bought back your carbon footprint.
Can I go watch porno now? After you finish your joint. That's when Christ our Lord wrote the Constitution with his blood. Sending every homosexual to jail. Y'all know this. USA! Hell yeah!
You have the state history test and math test this morning. And the state English and patriotism test after lunch. You can't poo unless you pass the state bathroom test. And remember, you will be tested on all these tests in the test test next week.
There's nothing on this paper. Well, there ain't enough money in the budget for ink.
I'm sorry to interrupt, Miss Buck. The following students have been drafted. Brian, James, Lisa, let's go. Say hi to my husband for me. Come on, hop step. Pick up those feet, you little shit.
My head hurts. Sorry, honey. You can't see the nurse. You're not covered.
Oh, shoot. More beers. Must have hit the electric fence. All right, 20-minute recess. Nancy, this polar bear you killed is delicious. You can barely taste the oil. Caitlin, dear, will you please turn up the air conditioners? And how was your day? Okay. I missed the Hummer this morning, and then it was a little cloudy. Sweetness, you know better than to criticize your country. Which she loves. Beautiful, auspicious skies for amber waves of grain. |
cracked | why_getting_your_period_turns_you_into_a_superhero | Quick picture the female reproductive system it's No, look just picture a ram's head Good, you basically got it now.
We've all been doing a grave injustice to the monthly reproductive cycle We've treated the 28 day narrative like a shameful tragedy instead of the action movie It's clearly dying to be yes It ends in bloodshed But that aftermath should never have been the defining characteristic because it is easily the least cool thing that happens all month The other phases are amazing weird and even borderline supernatural for instance Ovulation happens around day 14 at the end of the follicular phase Which would be a hell of a lot easier to remember if at least one sex ed teacher told you it's accompanied by a massive surge In physical strength.
It's true women are physically stronger during those days According to a study that tested grip strength of women at various stages of the reproductive cycle after hearing a chilling story that would elicit The fight-or-flight response they found that women were more powerful across the board during the end of the follicular phase Never heard of the luteal phase.
That's okay.
It's when the uterine lining ripens after ovulation It's also when women are granted the miraculous and uncanny ability to spot snakes How did that never come up during the talk a study in Japan determined that women were eerily better at seeing an obscured Or hidden snake in a photograph during the luteal phase than at any other part of the month because who knows Women are made of magic.
It turns out so knowing all that ladies the next time someone snarkly suggests It's your time of the month politely ask if they mean the time when you're dangerously strong or crazy good at hunting reptiles |
dropout | hardly_working_spanish_exam | Now don't you see, he didn't need the magic feather. He could fly the entire time.
What are you guys talking about? My freshman year roommate. We're just trying to stay awake. Oh my god, you know what I just realized? You guys, I'm supposed to be graduating right now! What?
You can't graduate until you've taken the Spanish exam. Spanish exam? I'm not even in Spanish. I can't graduate if I don't take...
Oh my god, I had the craziest dream. Nobody cares about your dream, alright?
It's the middle of the night and we have to finish the script before everyone gets here. I'm sorry! Well, sorry's not gonna cut it. What do you want me to say? I want you to say that you're gonna get your act together before the band goes on at midnight. We're gonna wreck the prom, think graduation, then we're out of this town, man. No looking back.
Yeah. Did you finish Spanish yet? I didn't even realize I was taking Spanish. Oh no, I must be... Oh my god, I had that dream again. What was I wearing this time? Uh, usual clothes, nothing weird. I can't believe you guys. Let me tell you a trick that I used to stay awake in high school, back before I couldn't graduate because I failed Spanish. Uh oh. Wake up dummy, we can't go to sleep for another six hours! Oh my god, did I fall asleep? Yeah, you kept saying what was I wearing. What was I wearing? Exactly. Hey, wait a second.
Why do we all have mustaches? We grew them six months ago when the lizard queen, Thraxius, made it long.
God, you're dumb. No wonder you failed Spanish. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Film_Standard_John_Wick_Chapter_4 | She loved the family A man has to look his best when it's time to get married. Or buried. I'm going to need a gun. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today, I'll be looking at John Wick Chapter 4, the latest entry in the franchise, following the titular assassin as he fights, stabs, and shoots his foes in a bloody quest for vengeance, despite the fact that the Bible clearly states that killing is a sin. Building on past installments in the high-octane action series, the film follows John Wick as he battles for freedom from the council of crime lords known as the High Table, a vendetta that shows a blatant disregard for the sacred command the Lord bestowed upon humanity in Exodus Chapter 20, verse 13, Thou shalt not kill. Despite this crystal-clear commandment, John Wick puzzlingly spends the film's runtime either ignoring or intentionally flouting God's edicts as he guns down his so-called enemies and even pummels his fellow man to death. Even without being born again into the faith of our Savior Jesus Christ, a passing knowledge of the Old Testament should make Wick aware of the divine law against killing that the prophet Moses brought down from Mount Sinai etched into stone spoken to him by Elohim himself. Strangely, however, he still repeatedly commits this transgression without once attending confession and repenting for his sins. While the character of John Wick does have redeeming qualities, seeing as he never covets another man's wife or creates a graven image before the Lord to engage in idol worship, audiences will likely feel these apparent virtues undercut by his willingness to spill the blood of fellow children of God, as if the love and grace of our Heavenly Father doesn't matter to him at all. Admittedly, the film makes some flimsy attempts to justify Wick's sinful nature, suggesting that his foes are also sinners who have strayed out of the light of the Lord. But most filmgoers will easily see through this theologically misguided perspective, which does not absolve John Wick of his wickedness. As we find in The Lord's Word in Romans 12-19, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath, for it is written, Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. I mean, how could that be more clear? Killing is wrong. Still, while audiences will no doubt be saddened by John Wick's inability to accept the Holy Spirit into his heart while he succumbs to Lucifer's temptations, many will find solace in knowing that the Lord will eventually be avenged sevenfold, with John Wick someday facing divine retribution for living in defiance of sacred ordinances, perhaps carried out by the swift flaming sword of the archangel Gabriel, or by Saint Peter himself denying Wick entry into the shining gates of heaven's kingdom. Ultimately, one can only hope that any sequel to John Wick 4 follows the character's journey into repentance as he accepts the warm, loving embrace of the Lord and chooses to solve his problems not with violence, but instead by falling to his knees, taking out his rosary, and seeking the guidance of the Almighty God. And if not, audiences can at least rest easy knowing that after he dies, John Wick will go directly to hell.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_we_got_a_fog_machine | Wait, how does that work? You plug it into your Xbox and then it pumps out fog according to the thing that's going on? You got it, it automatically generates it.
Wow! Patrick, fetch me the fog juice. Yes, sir. I thought you were joking. What potency would you like, sir?
Oh, I need the funnel, too. Yeah, the only thing sadder than going into the video game store and you're like, I want the, I want the Rock Band fog machine. Like, six months from now, the first person's like, I need a refill on my Rock Band fog juice. We actually looked for this yesterday for this episode and I was like, we're going to call around and be like, we need the Rock Band fog machine. You've had that for three weeks. I was like, we're going to call around and be like, hey, we need the Rock Band fog machine and they're going to be like laughing at us and what are you talking about? But everyone was like, we just sold out of it. Being this fog machine and you pouring it into a funnel ever so gallantly just makes me wonder how sad it is for, like, struggling goth bands before they have, like, people paying them to do this. All right, all right, ogre, you fill up the fog machine.
Not for human consumption.
Hold up, forget everything bad we said about Rock Band because it seems as if the strobe light attaches to the top of the fog machine. What more could you want? I mean, I thought we would have to have two separate, like, areas for strobe light to fog this. They may be worth it.
This thing's in sync. It is in sync.
There's no buttons on this. So it's just like, I just plug into the Xbox and you're like, I guess it works like all the other machines I've plugged into my Xbox. Not at all.
Guys, I know you again, the home viewers don't know this, but I'm smelling fog. It's cooking. Challenge of arrival. Well, I'm getting into it.
Totally worth it. Wow. That's it. It has one burst.
But it didn't have the tiger part, you know, it didn't hit him on here. Whenever you say tiger, it's solessly spits out fog.
It sounds like a charismatic old band. It's getting warm. It's so loud. I can't hear the song anymore.
Look at that. It's clearly distracting. That can't be right.
It smells awesome. We fill with fog juice.
You know what?
I'm actually playing this song better since the fog started. I'm not kidding. I'm actually lightheaded since the fog started. I gotta get the fog machine credit. If you're looking to spend $100 on a fog machine for rock band, the fact that it like syncs up to the music is kind of cool. Considering I've been sucking breathing in like this, whatever this fog for the last 20 minutes, my judgment is not totally sound. But I love the fog machine. It could just be the fog talking but I love all you guys right now. I've been staring into the strobe light and I think all hail the fog machine. I think what you said is kind of a weird sort of howl from 2001 sort of thing going on where it's like, only it controls when it spits out the fog.
You have to plug it in. There's no buttons on it.
It's like, it's like, I rest my case. I actually was like for a moment too much fog. No such thing. I know I never thought I'd say it. And catch my breathing.
Just sold out of it. Seeing this fog machine and you pouring it into a funnel ever so gallantly, just makes me wonder how sad it is for like struggling goth bands before they have like people paying them to do this. Alright, alright Ogre, you fill up the fog machine. Not for human consumption.
Hold up, forget everything bad we said about rock band because it seems as if the strobe light attaches to the top of the fog machine. What more could you want? I mean, I thought we would have to have two separate like areas for strobe light and fog machine.
It's worth it. This thing's in sync. It is in sync.
There's no buttons on this. So it's just like, I just plug into the Xbox and you're like, I guess it works like all the other fog machines I've plugged into my Xbox. Not at all. Guys, I know, again, the home viewers don't know this, but I'm smelling fog.
It's cooking. Challenge of arrival. I'm getting into it.
Totally worth it. Wow.
That's it. It had just one burst.
But it didn't let the tiger part, you know, it didn't bond kill. Whenever you say tiger, it's soullessly spits up fine.
It sounds like an asthmatic old band. It's like it's whirring so loud. I can't hear the song anymore.
Look at that. It's clearly distracting. That got me right. It smells awesome. You know what?
I'm actually playing the song better since the fog started. I'm not kidding. I'm actually lightheaded since the fog started. I've got to give the fog machine credit. If you're looking to spend $100 on a fog machine for rock band, the fact that it like syncs up to the music is kind of cool. Considering I've been sucking, breathing in whatever this fog for the last 20 minutes, my judgment is not totally sound. But I love the fog machine. It could just be the fog talking, but I love all your guys right now. I've been staring into the strobe light and I think all hail the fog machine. I think what you said is kind of a weird sort of howl from 2001 sort of thing going on. It's like, only it controls when it spits out the fog.
You have to plug it in. There's no buttons on it.
It's like, and it's even, it's like, I think it just gains. I rest my case. I actually was like for a moment, too much fog. No such thing. I know. I never thought I'd say it. |
dropout | peach_and_zelda_boyfriends | I cannot believe Link is late. He just learned the song of time. Tell me about it. Mario can sprint through Mario 3 in 11 minutes, but he still can't make a 7pm reservation. Looking at him, I'm surprised he can sprint anywhere.
What's that now? I mean seriously, how many mushrooms has the guy eaten? A million?
Well I'm sorry, we can't all date anorexic fairy boys. Okay, Link is a late bloomer. I'm sorry he doesn't look like a reject from Donkey Kong Country. Well at least Mario can grow a mustache. Like a real man. Okay, really? How many kingdoms has this real man of yours saved, huh? Cause mine saved Hyrule. I don't know how many kingdoms are in the entire galaxy. Librena, Sabrosa, new Hyrule. Well at least I don't have to dress up like a boy to get him to like me. That was one game, Peach.
Hey, sorry we're late. Sorry.
We were just talking about how many kingdoms you've saved, Link. Which one was it today? Nah, I just finished a fetch quest. Oh, check it, I just got this sweet new wallet.
By defeating evil warlock? No, putting bugs in jars. Which requires quite impressive hand-eye coordination. Sure it does. Of course, it takes a lot more to beat a giant, fire-breathing lizard. How'd you beat Bowser today, sweetie? By leaping over him or slinging him around by his tail. We were actually just playing a little Mario golf. Uh, I beat him though. By three. I'm sure.
So, honey, what do you want to do after dinner? I was thinking a romantic horse ride on the beach. Link just got a horse. And a new tunic. Isn't it verdant? Just concentrate on the horse, please. A horse?
I mean, that's an okay ride. It's no dinosaur. Mario has Yoshi's in three different colors. Show him the picture. The blue one has wings. Oh, so is the raccoon tail not enough to lift this off the ground?
Okay, why don't we pay for our potion and then we'll go take a seat. Don't worry, we'll get it. Oh, babe, I am just two gold coins away from an extra life, so... Oh, well, looks like Link's new wallet will come in handy. Yes, well, this tunic was very expensive, so I'm a lot of rupees. Also, we don't accept either of those things. Only real money.
Fine. Just put it on my card. Thank you so much, sweetie. Not helping. Okay. |
SaturdayNightLive | me_harmony_snl | I tried online dating, but I never found anyone who liked me for me. my friends tell me I'm too picky. I need to find someone who realizes how great I am. I'm a catch. women like me. but when I tried other dating services, they could never find anyone good enough for me.
Hi, I'm Dr. Terry Mccorran, founder of Meharmony.com. when you sign up at Meharmony, we only ask you questions about your favorite subject, you. I can't believe how lucky I am. Sandra and I finish each other's thoughts, and we finish each other's sentences. It's amazing. he treats me exactly the way I want and deserve to be treated. I don't know where I end and he starts. I have never been so attracted to someone on every level. I didn't think it was possible to find someone who loves me as much as I love me, but I found her. you should see people staring at us when we walk down the street. they're jealous. don't you deserve the perfect match? at Meharmony, we guarantee you someone who is exactly like you, but with different sexual organs. Thank you, Meharmony. And for alternative lifestyles, visit Heharmony.com. Thank you, Meharmony. |
cracked | 4_awkward_off_screen_scenes_they_forgot_to_film_yboc_batman_harry_potter_the_purge | Hey there nerds, it's me, Dr. Jordan Breeding. And some say that my name is awkward because breeding implies sex is a thing, but I say that I've successfully bred two whole humans. So maybe I'm just well-named because of my prowess?
Whatever. You're watching another episode of Your Brain Uncracked, the only show on crack that's so cringe. Oh my God. And the only show on the internet that, hey, speaking of awkward, why don't you just pull your pants down? I'd like to diagnose.
Lots of movie plots only make sense by way of careful omission of details. The slasher movie villain abruptly shows up in another city without showing a 20 minute scene of him fumbling with his knife fingers for the taxi fare. Give it a little thought though, and you realize that some hilariously stupid things must have occurred in so many notable films. All off screen, for example.
And Batman begins, there was a scene during Bruce Wayne's birthday party, which a random guest pulls him aside and declares, Bruce, there's somebody here that you simply must meet. Now am I pronouncing this right? Mr. Ra's al Ghul, or was it Mr. John Cena? Anyway, party bro Batman turns around and it isn't Ra's al Ghul or John Cena.
It's this random henchman. So I know really, this is the most intimidating stand in that a group of ninja death assassins could find, but the real Ra's al Ghul then reveals himself standing across from the henchman. He was four feet away the whole time. I, his methods, supernatural. Except, hold on, wait. What happened prior to this moment? Ra's al Ghul's terrifying dead-eyed henchman introduced himself to this random woman, small talk to her, and then made such a charismatic impression that she couldn't wait to introduce him to Bruce Wayne? What the hell conversation could they have possibly had?
Oh, you're in textiles? Did you know each member of the League of Shadows saws his own ninja costume? That's the ancient murder team I worked for. I'm the nunchuck room shift suit. I mean, I'm the CEO, I'm in charge.
So what's your deal? You know what the bad mustache right is? The whole situation is absurd.
Why claim to be Ra's? Why talk to her at all? And what would have happened if that woman didn't immediately introduce the guy to Bruce? They just kept chatting about the hors d'oeuvres?
What if Ra's had needed to pee? Sorry, I need to use the restroom.
What do you mean, Wayne already left? That's enough, that's enough. And what if Bruce Wayne had remembered to pretend that he wasn't Batman, you know, and said, good to meet you, Roo's al Ghufi? That's the name of, well forget, see you around, catch a goo goo. Stop smiling, it's not a joke, please leave.
And then when the real Ra's reveals himself, it raises even more questions. Did Ra's and the henchmen huddle up and plan to meet little pointless charade for no reason but to add a bit of drama to what was already a dramatic event? We're cheap parlor tricks to conceal your true identity. How long were they lingering at the party? Was this lady the first person they tried it on or did everyone at the party get a turn to meet the fun and charming fake Ra's al Ghul? How many people did this guy introduce himself to while his boss was behind them giggling? And was Plan B having Ra's leap out of a cake? Oh!
Furthermore, why does the woman leave? She introduces who she thinks is the most interesting man alive, and then Bruce says that he watched this man die, and then another man pops out and starts saying other crazy things and she just walks away. In fact, it sort of looks like she leaves with the henchmen.
Maybe they're heading somewhere to ride that Tibetan mustache after all. I'm using, but pointless.
Speaking of Christopher Nolan's Batman films, did you know that Batman Begins got a sequel? You may not have realized it because Batman isn't even in the title. But anyway, in The Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan got way better with his silly prank scenes. Like the one time that the Joker made a pencil disappear into a man's brain.
Ta-da! But the movie's funniest scene occurs when Two-Face realizes that his sexy female nurse is in fact a sexy male nurse. But you know, with a lot of crazy sloppy makeup. Hi.
The Joker then strides out of the hospital and flips the switch several times, causing the entire structure to explode and collapse. It's a great sequence, but what makes it even funnier is when you picture how long Joker must have been in that hospital pretending to be a nurse. I mean, how many explosions went off? 15, 20? The Joker must have been in there for hours. He was wiring up bombs for his entire nursing shift and probably had to take a break for lunch with the Joker. Probably had to take a break for lunch with the other orderlies. Did no one think to ask this husky new girl in clown paint why she was carrying a box of dynamite around to every single room in the hospital? I'm an agent of chaos.
All right. Well, see you later.
He seemingly did this during an evacuation when everybody was on the lookout for Joker doing bad shit. And how did he deal with any of that? Is there a pile of dead bodies made up of the people who asked what he was doing? You know, I just do things. I would love to see the 90 minute horror comedy where Joker plants bombs while also performing the duties of a cross-dressing clown nurse like the gritty Mrs. Doubtfire reboot we never knew we needed. Hello! You could argue that he brought along other henchmen to do the bomb planting while he himself focused on dope ass villain reveals. But Joker's whole thing is that all of his goons wear clown makeup or masks at all times too.
So now you're looking at 20 clowns wandering all over the hospital with explosives pretending they're just there to visit the sick kids or something. That's still pretty funny. Well, except for the sick kids and how their hospital just exploded.
Speaking of children, one of the big reveals at the end of Harry Potter's fourth adventure, The Goblet of Fire, is that beloved defense against the dark arts professor, Mad Eye Moody, isn't who he appeared. In fact, he's a death eater named Barty Crouch Jr. And working for Lord... Shit, he's working for He Who Must Not Be Named by impersonating Moody.
In a backstory that sounds like it was stolen from an AA meeting, Crouch maintained his facade by constantly swigging a magic potion out of a flask. Already you can imagine that conversation. My lord, is it wise to hinge our entire plot on finding someone with a rare quirk like say, a constant fear that drinks are about to be poisoned that would then allow Barty to drink the potion from a personal flask every hour unnoticed, and also nobody think that he's an alcoholic asshole? Of course it is, pull your head out of your arse. You won because I made it so fuck*r. Seems like a good enough explanation though, right? I mean, magic potion. But it's significantly more difficult than it sounds because for starters, Crouch was drinking Polyjuice potion, and in the movies, the Harry Potter rules are very clear.
Polyjuice potion only changes your appearance. It doesn't give you the target's voice or mannerisms or anything else. Remember when Harry and Ron turned into Goyle and Crab with the potion? They still sound like themselves.
Bloody hell. And when Hermione assumed the guise of an older woman, she stumbled trying to adjust to her new high heels and her huge heaving breasts. Just realized I might be confusing two different films. Here come goblins, Harry. But anyway, that means we absolutely missed the strangest part of the story.
The part in which Barty Crouch Jr. A, had to train to method act as a total stranger in the eventual presence of literal experts, and B, he completely freaking nails it. Remember, he has to pull this off for an entire school year without dropping the act for even one second. And he's great at it. The kids love him, mainly because he's a walking anarchist cookbook. Correct, correct, come, come. He teaches them forbidden curses and all the good shit. He is the greatest defense against the dark arts teacher the school has ever seen, which admittedly isn't the highest bar since most of them get fired or turned into werewolves or die. Still, Crouch's ability to invade detection for an entire school year in a place filled with people trying to spot magical trickery is incredible.
Did Crouch spend hours with a tape recorder perfecting his cranky mad eye moody voice? Is he a secret lover of the theater and knew that this was the role of a lifetime? How did he sleep? Did he lock the door super extra tight at night or did he sleep in a beer hat full of potion constantly dripping into his open mouth?
I believe in a practical approach. It's such a hail Mary to throw an evil wizard into an undercover op and desperately hope that he's both Daniel Day-Lewis and Kindergarten Cop. And speaking of Daniel Day-Lewis as Kindergarten Cop, if you write that script, I personally guarantee that Day-Lewis will un-retire.
You're welcome, Hollywood. No, you're welcome, world.
Ah! We've gotten so many films in the Persiaverse, they've literally stopped doing the thing they're named after. Until the most recent film, each movie focused on The Purge, a single night of the year when all crime is legal, so society may purge itself of excess rage, thus keeping people from murdering each other on the other days of the year? I'll try to question it. Ah! Then The Forever Purge came out where all crime is legal all the time and that's just societal collapse, man. We don't watch Mad Max Fury Road and go, wow, isn't it wild that they're just letting people jump on moving cars and play electric guitars that shoot fire?
Why are they following the rules of the road?
Stupid, but anyway, prior to that dumb movie, Purge Night was an exciting setting for a mayhem-filled horror fest. But wouldn't the more interesting movie be about what happens the day after? Yes, yes. Remember, The Purge is all about escaping legal consequences, but it can't save you from the social backlash.
You still have to spend the other 364 days living and working with people who've revealed themselves to be secret psychopaths. What happens when you go back to the office and see your shy receptionist, Kathy, who had the night before gutted seven old people just to feel alive? Hey, you old fuck. Do you just like go on with the project meeting as if she's not wearing a necklace made of their ears and penises? It seems like her actions would instantly get used against her by even the most mild of office adversaries. That's a great suggestion for the company picnic venue, Kathy, now maybe we hear from someone who didn't damn butcher seven people last weekend, but before that, this is a reminder that it's everyone's responsibility to keep the break room clean, even if they slaughtered seven local grandparents in front of their families, Kathy. What about all the almost kills or partial kills? Would anyone really feel comfortable saying good morning to someone whose legs they chopped off the night before or who barely escaped their Purge night machine gun rampage? It's totally talking about the murder part. What happens to all the sex offenders the day after?
Yeah, Graham, we know that by Purge law the things you did yesterday were legal, but I'm afraid the kids aren't super pumped about learning math from a man who put their parents in cages while he put on lipstick and, well, Graham, you're fired. Actually, are you even allowed to fire people for things they did during the Purge? If not, is there an ACLU equivalent organization that's fighting wrongful Purge-related terminations? Although now that I think about it, I guess anyone worried about wrongful termination could simply wait 364 days and fire problematic employees on Purge night. But wait, what does that mean for protected groups? Could a racist boss fire all the minorities during the Purge? Could they rewrite the company's HR policies to allow, you know, touchin' butts?
Could they take all the pensions and burn the place down? Aah! Also, the real estate market would go freakin' nuts. You sure as hell would not wanna keep living next to the neighbors who tried to burn you alive. Also, wouldn't your life insurance policy have about a million complicated clauses concerning where the money goes in case your wife purges you?
It just goes on and on and on. Please just let us Purge. All right, so boosted the SEO for my Tibetan fetish film series, Tibet Mostiff, convinced Daniel Day Lewis to bust out a slurping straw one last time, and finally called Kathy out for her horrific crimes against humanity. Until next time, pull your pants up, frickin' weirdo. It's been like 15 minutes. |
TheOnion | Victoria_s_Secret_Fashion_Show_A_Hit_Among_People_Who_Don_t_Know_That_Pornography_Exists | Last night's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show was a true ratings winner, particularly with men who don't know that actual pornography exists.
The Angels' feather costumes and silk nightgowns were a hit with 30-35-year-old male viewers who had no idea that nude images of all the models are easily accessible on the Internet.
And the show did equally well with 10-12.5-year-old boys who are going to have their minds blown when they finally get around their parents' internet blockers.
CBS executives are touting the broadcast as breakthrough programming for people who are excited by the tops of boobs.
Producer Dave Mitchell told Variety, The $2.5 million fantasy bra is a big draw with women who shop at Victoria's Secret and an even bigger draw with men who've never seen or heard about sex before.
The runway show drew expected outrage from the Christian Family Research Council.
Executive director Kathy Rouse charged that the event degrades women by objectifying them, most likely because she's never seen a Ukrainian prostitute receive a bukkake shower from a gang of cracked-out Albanian teens. |
dropout | 90_s_obstacle_course | Really? Yes. Okay.
And we're the stars of the new hit show Valley of the Boom. The Honor Show documents the tech boom of the 90s, the era officially known as the shizness. So, we thought we'd come to College Humor, split the cast of the times, and challenge them to complete the ultimate 90s tech relay challenge.
Are y'all ready? Are you ready? So, here's what you're going to do.
All right. On your mark, get set, go, not. Just kidding. You guys can go. Come on.
Let's go. Go.
Oh, no. What? This is stupid. Oh, my God. There's so much cord going on there. Oh, no. Oh, no. Wait. I put a knot in it. Oh, that's a disaster.
He's making it worse. Back in the 90s, we needed that phone to get online, and we couldn't use the phone and be online at the same time. It was basically being in prison. No, I think there's a lot more going on in prison.
Oh, for fuck. You've got to move. We're on a different team. I know, but you're sitting on the couch, and I can't pick it up. Well, that's a problem for you, isn't it?
I actually used to have one of those in my bedroom. I swear. Really? Yes. We used to get on the phone. That exact one. And call girls until you fell asleep together on the phone. I used to do that all the time.
I'm almost there. And now we wait.
Oh, yes. Yes.
Go. Yeah. Move.
I ruined my brother's life because I spilled a giant glass of iced tea all over our VHSs, and so I destroyed all of our family memory. It was a bad day. It was called the Great Iced Tea Incident.
You remember the video stores would charge you if you did not rewind it? Yeah. And it says, Be Kind, Rewind. There's a movie based on that. I used to work at a video store. Which one? Hollywood Video.
Come on! Get out of there! Why is my eject button so bad?
I actually remember doing this, and I remember it working. No, it didn't. No. They actually found out that it was damaging for the game. It worked a little more, and I will accept no other answer. This is the least fun, most frustrating part.
Eight.
I'm playing video games. Run!
Error wrong key. Okay, ready to go. Error wrong key, stop. fucking hell.
This is what we did pre-email. This was our lives, man, and it built character, man. It's a good picture. Thank you, so is yours. Thank you. Mine is what's the one. Yeah, yeah.
I'll be honest with you, I grew up in that age, but I don't know how to send a fact. I have the same word the same way. I don't think I've ever sent a fact.
Oh, wait. What are you looking for? I think I'm looking for who in this is, red team.
You wanted to say Dave Matthews back there. They're all Dave Matthews fans!
No!
Did you guys have the yellow CD player that you shoot with? The shock bump? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to listen to The Little Mermaid on tape as I was going to school. Anyway, what were you saying? See, I'm never having all these CDs. Oh, I found them!
No! Oh! No!
Here we go. Post, post, post. Three, two, one. No, no, no, no. No! Why is this like this? Oh, there. Polaroids are actually making a comeback. I know. Everybody's super nostalgic now.
I think you're doing everything wrong. What? I thought you'd just leave it alone. What? Leave it alone.
You're shaking.
Like a whole right picture. Come on, come on. You can see Raf and Katie. Katie, you look lovely in this photo. Thank you. I win. Yeah, I guess the real winner is the three of you for taking such a beautiful shot. Yeah. That's right. Well, it's a photo finish, but it looks like the blue team has proved themselves to be the ultimate 90s kids. Therefore, it is my honor, nay, it is my duty to dub them all that and a bag of computer chips with this solid gold trophy. My heart will go on.
So make sure to tune in to Valley of the Boom January 13th on National Geographic. Later dudes and dudettes. Later. Charlie Boss. |
TheOnion | Are_Reality_Shows_Setting_Unrealistic_Standards_For_Skanks | I'm Juliana McKenna sitting in for Clifford Bains, who is regaling the interns with tales of his days at sea.
Reality shows like Flavor of Love and Rock of Love are more popular than ever. But a new study by the American Media Institute suggests that these shows may be setting unrealistic levels of skankiness for our nation's skanks. Yes, every night, skanks across America are watching reality TV skanks hanging off of stripper poles and vomiting into hot tubs.
Oh, look, the average skank can't keep up with that. And statistics show that only 2% of skanks will ever even ride in a stretch Hummer limo let alone has out in one.
These shows are not negative, they are empowering. Absolutely. Oh, come on. They are.
They teach young skanks that if they really try, someday they could take a crap on the floor of a beautiful mansion. Moralee, these shows are basically teaching a skank to believe, I have to drink Jagermeister shots out of another skank's infected double pierced belly button or I'm not good enough. Well, if these shows make skanks feel bad, then skanks can change the channel. Now, Leslie, you've written about your own experiences as a skank, isn't that right?
Yes. You used to be a skank. Yes.
When I would turn on the TV and see a skank on a dirt bike in a tube top, miniskirt, no underwear, trying to win an exclusive date with a C-list celebrity who wouldn't even remember her name, it hurt because I knew that I could never reach that level of skankiness myself. That's ridiculous. One of the more damaging aspects of these shows is that they teach skanks to talk shit about other skanks. To call each other fake, to steal each other's leather boots. To spit in each other's faces like Punkin did when New York called her a motherfuckin' whore. Yeah, skanks need to learn to support each other.
Because their baby daddies ain't gonna stick around after the baby's been born. Well, then it follows that the FCC should cut off all shows that pit skank against skank. All contests, gone.
Look, Leslie, I know you had a bad experience, but come on. What? You don't know me. Don't act like you do. Step off, Leslie. What?
Step off, bitch. What did you call me? Hold on, she called you a hoe. What are you gonna do about it? Step off. She is calling you a hoe. You don't disrespect me. You a hoe. So now you're gonna step off?
Yeah, get it! That's the bulldog! You gotta hear it!
Get it out!
Woo! |
dropout | sim_s_night_out | you believe this place man we are so getting late tonight definitely oh there's so much time now oh never mind what happened dr. Mike Sim former mayor and astronauts.
He's so cool. You better die. Tickles. Shoo-shoo. Mount Foggy. Yo Sim, my man.
Drinks around me. Blue party drink on the rocks.
Whoo! Looks like your hero coordinated his outfit with that dude. Oh dude I'm so sorry I didn't know we were in the same thing I'm so sorry. So cool.
Hey uh Joey isn't that your former girlfriend over there Tina? Tina?
She said she was gonna be in Europe. Oh my god his app arm must be maxed out. Look she's not going home with him okay she likes musician types.
So cool. This guy is amazing man he even bought hors d'oeuvres for everyone. Mmm just get into it.
Look I've had enough this alright. Sick of this guy walking around like he owns the place. There's no way I'm letting him go home with Tina. I think it's best if you step off friend. What did you parabola Joey you were ruining our sugar rush. Me too. I don't think you heard me I said step off.
Oh he's also a vampire. So awesome. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Review_Week_Of_May_23_2014 | Scientists politely remind the world that clean energy technology is ready to go whenever. A new study finds most high school graduates are woefully unprepared for high school, and a bag of flour has a slave auction on its front. Stripped of the chemical agents that pollute lesser web-based news summaries, this is the Onion Week in Review.
This week, Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez unveiled plans to boost the nation's struggling job market by giving every unemployed American a self-serve yogurt shop. Saying that the frozen yogurt business model is robust, profitable, and that they've pretty much exhausted other options, Perez explained that owners will be responsible for stocking their own topping bars with items such as Oreo crumbles, minced kiwi, cashews, and gummy bears. Estimates indicate the country will need to increase daily consumption of frozen yogurt by approximately 2.3 gallons per person in order for the new stores to remain solvent.
Members of Congress expressed their hesitation this week to cut funding for the XQ-103 Mounted Combat System, a tank whose sole capability is spinning 360 degrees in place and then exploding. While opponents of the military vehicle questioned the necessity of manufacturing hundreds of the self-destructive machines, advocates of the tank hailed it as one of the military's most advanced forms of weaponry, noting the precision with which it can eliminate enemy combatants who happen to stray within the armored vehicle's blast range.
Local sources were reportedly annoyed this week to discover that Jesus Christ, the goddamn article they clicked on was actually a fucking video. I clicked on the story thinking I'd be in and out of there in 30 seconds, but then that little buffering thing popped up and I was like, here we fucking go. I'm not opposed to watching a video, but I just want to know what I'm getting into. Put a little camera icon on the graphic or something. Just don't bait and switch me. This is bullshit. And in this week's local news, something is apparently going on between a mom and her friend. Taco Bell warns its employees against ever exposing their skin to its food. A sad man tears two bananas off of a larger bunch, and a new report finds everything you've ever wanted has been right in front of you all along. They say you can't dwell on the past, but the warm, familiar structure of this video is a safe haven I'll return to again and again. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | saw_shaming | What? Where am I?
As the pledge master of Alpha Tau Omega, you've embarrassed hundreds of students. Now, it's time for you to be ashamed.
Your arm is stuck. There's no use trying to wiggle free. Jeremy, there is a camera suspended above you. Facing down, the camera is rigged with a wireless SIM card that will publish a picture directly to your Facebook account.
Who are you? What do you want from me?
You have exactly 60 seconds to wash off that penis and Hitler mustache. I placed a sponge in the boxers of your friend next to you. He's pissed himself. I assure you, the sponge is now wet enough to wash up. Well done.
But oh no. Your girlfriend and her parents are coming to this very basement in one minute. No! You'll need to untrap yourself in order to lock the door. Then your girlfriend and her parents wouldn't be able to enter. Check under your pillow. Arm is asleep. You won't feel a thing.
No!
Weird. I guess I gave them the wrong address. No! I guess I gave them the wrong address. No! address. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_sensitive_drill_sergeant_snl | Yeah, brother. yo, gee, if I hadn't been in the army, I'd still be in the street gang today.
What's up? come on, man. no way. way? my friend. Ted Hunt? no. when the hell's the name is going on here? this ain't no garden party. you're lucky I don't take you, pukes out in the middle of the base and stomp your asses into the ground. Do you understand me? Yes, sir. Private Riley, what do we call ourselves? soldiers, Sir. then act like a you piece of crap. Now, the reason I dismiss the rest of the platoon is to discuss a matter of extreme importance with you. recently, I started dating a rather classy lady whose company I enjoy immensely, but who I, for some reason, continue to keep at arm's length. I am unclear as to exactly how I am to proceed. perhaps you have some suggestions. Do you think this is funny, Private Peterson? drop and give me 20, you insensitive dog turd. yes, sir. Do you need to be a Nasa scientist to realize how uncomfortable I am opening myself up to you right now? no, sir. Well, maybe that's the problem right there, Sarge. Do you think we're having a comfortable little chat over a couple of beers at the Regal Beagle? no, sir. I am not your friend, son. Do you understand? Yes, sir. if you have some thoughts on my situation, you address me as your superior and not like one of your ass pals.
Well, sir, you mentioned that the woman was super classy, sir. That I did, Private. perhaps you feel that if you expose your true self to her, she might be disappointed, sir. Well, look who joined the Army, Private Freud. Whoo! And what about my true self would disappoint her, Private Freud? How many people know you well enough to answer that question, Sir? don't you get smart with me, Son, or I'll tear your forehead off with my teeth. perhaps a fair rejection prevents you from being intimate, Sir. give me that advice again, Private Oprah. perhaps a fair rejection prevents you from being intimate, Sir. that may be, son, but I'm certainly not afraid of making my boot intimate with your privates, Private. But listen to speak, Sir.
Well, wonders never cease. quiverlip, quiverlip, quiver, quiver. Look what we got here. a Talking Horse's Ass. Quiver? what are you about to say, Private Horse's Ass?
One thing I have learned, sir, is the communication is the cornerstone of all good relationships, Sir. my advice would be to communicate your fears to this woman, sir. Just how am I supposed to do that, Private Horse's Ass? When both my parents were non-communicative and I was not taught the necessary skills. bad habits can't be broken, Sir. the entire psychiatric community is built on that premise, Sir. Sir? you still think this is a giggle fest, Private, son of a bitch? No, sir. this is some serious stuff, sir. then what can you possibly add to this discussion, Private? I've never seen you with a woman. don't ask, don't tell, Sir. don't play games with me, Boy. Do not. regardless of my sexual orientation, Sir, I believe I can show you how communication can help a relationship.
And just how do you propose to do this, Private Candy Ass? by making an honest connection, Sir. for example, I would like to sincerely apologize for the insensitive way I acted earlier, sir. I was uncomfortable with your vulnerability, sir. and I chose to maximize anxiety with a giggle. I was thoughtless and rude. I hope you can forgive me, sir. you are forgiven, Private. Permission to hug you, Sir. permission granted.
All right, gentlemen. that's enough of this slumber party. Now listen up. let me remind you, this discussion does Not make us family members, So Do Not come up to me and put your arm around my shoulder.
I will rip it off.
God, Peterson, I thought he was going to kill you. he was bumping my head. I did not say Eddie, Soldiers.
One more thing. I love you very much. Eddie! |
dropout | hardly_working_glasses | Oh no no no no no! He no Jackrabbit! Oh my god!
New glasses, right? Oh no, I just usually wear contacts.
It's not that big of a deal. Well that is crazy.
Let me try them on. No, I kind of need them to see, so... Oh, come on! Come on, Taylor, let me try them on. Chill out. Here we go, ready?
Dude, you are so blind! This is weird. Can you even see anything right now? Yeah, I mean I can see like blurry shapes. Come on, come on, come on. This is so weird.
Can you give them back? Whoa, Dan, you got some big-ass feet, man. I never noticed before. Let me see your shoes. No, I mean it's whatever, it's not... Come on, let me see your shoes! What a nice deal! Come on, let me see your shoes!
Fine, fine, but just real quick, because I have a meeting and I'm going to be super late, so if you just could... Oh man, enormous bigfoot over here. And he's so blind! Alright, so I have big feet and bad eyes or whatever. Yo, let me see your clothes real quick. Fine, it's just that I really need this stuff back because I need to wear it on my body and I have this meeting and I'm going to be super late. So just... Street Pat, could you guys give me my glasses and shoes back just because I think you get the dinner?
Whoa, Dan, you are so skinny. I had no idea you were such a little beanball. And he's so blind! Yo, let me try on your skin, bro. Okay, fine, but seriously, only for a few seconds or whatever because you guys have had your fun now and it's like, no joke, I am super late to this meeting. Whoa, your skin is so soft. I had no idea. Yep, thanks. I moisturize, but I really need my skin back, so... Oh man, you are so blind! Yo, let me see your femur.
Okay, I'm not going to go over this again. It's not my fault that some of us are 25 minutes late. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_junior_js_developer | Full stack bootcamps.
Are you recording? Is this mic working? I don't like it.
Absolutely. Here I'll send you a good Udemy tutorial. Oh, there's a new library out? What's the name? I switch companies around Every six to nine weeks, but this time I'll stay longer. I can feel it I put in a few bucks only I can fix. Yeah, we use react. It's just the best. Rust Mmm, I don't know a Lot of people use react a lot of people use jQuery a lot of people use JJ query won't be too bad won't be too slow hacky I mean, that's how programming is supposed to be and we're just using a library for this and this and this oh, really? Is there a Udemy tutorial for this? Can you give me the name? I've been working with it for 10 days now I mean all programming languages are the same. Yeah, I'm a senior full-stack engineer. Oh, what is this? Oh This this just a variable. Yeah, we're using graphics libraries for this J query. Have you heard of it? I guess we could rewrite it, but that'd be a lot of work I mean, that's what libraries are made for I guess. Yeah, I love it It's just the best |
dropout | what_space_jam_looked_like_from_the_police_station | So Ewan goes up to take the free throw, right? Ball clears the backboard, goes into the stands, hits a popcorn guy, in the face!
You're kidding. Come. I'll get you later, I'll see you later.
We've got our new missing persons case. A basketball player? Oh, more of a baseball player now. Does the media know yet? Not yet, but we'll get out soon. I just got off the phone with his wife. She said the last time he was seen, he was playing golf with Larry Bird, Bill Murray and Stan Podolak guy. Who's that? Some sort of assistant guy, I don't know. We haven't gotten in touch with him yet. So we got Knapping on our hands?
I don't know. Maybe. But if you ask me, his dad just died, and he just up and quits basketball for no good reason. I mean, this guy's not right in the head. I think he ran away.
I mean, with that kind of money, you can go anywhere you want. Even an imaginary place that doesn't exist in the real world. Anyway, get Keenan and Polanski on the case. Good luck, kid.
Michael Jordan, undeniably one of the greatest players to ever grace the game of basketball. His disappearance has not only shaken the nation, but has shaken local communities as well. Our thoughts and our prayers go out to the Jordan family at this time.
Please stay tuned for additional coverage after this. Are you guys making any sense of this? Nothing yet.
Two burglars broke into the Jordan house last night. Tunnelled in from outside, all they stole was a pair of sneakers. Shoes? Yeah. You have to be some kind of loony to just take shoes. Well, they took a pair of shorts too, but I don't see how it adds up. Well, we brought Bird and Murray in for questioning, but they won't talk without their lawyers. But look at what Murray was wearing.
Toon squad. That's no basketball team I ever heard of. Maybe he coaches like a youth rec team? Intermural thing. Or maybe it stands for cartoon squad.
All this evidence can't make any sense of it. Well, I got some more for you. Kids, talk to the sketch artist to give a description of the burglars. This is what we've got. These are our best leads right now. A duck and a rabbit. This is our whole case. Now, I don't know why the kids are playing games, because their father is probably dead. But then again, nothing in this goddamn case makes any sense!
Hey! You don't crack up me now. Leave me alone, Frank! Hey!
Five of the top NBA players just went down with the virus. And the best player of the past 10 years is missing.
You don't think maybe those two are connected? I mean, maybe that's our lead. Well, the rumors are true.
The NBA season has been canceled by NBA Commissioner David Stern. I have decided that until we can guarantee the health and safety of our NBA players, there will be no more basketball this season. Ladies and gentlemen, I have some breaking news.
Michael Jordan, as we speak, is stepping out of what I can only describe as a very colorful aircraft. Michael Jordan is back, everybody. Michael Jordan is back.
What the hell does this all mean? I don't know. But I think our world just got a little bigger.
Oh, I forgot to tell you. The new guy is coming next week. I don't have any place to put him, so you two are going to have to share a desk for a little while. Oh, come on, Chief. That's not fair. I'm sorry.
The office isn't a bit of a space jam. A what? A space jam. A limited amount of space. Space jam. |
cracked | the_insane_true_story_behind_the_birth_of_the_internet | Gentlemen, we find ourselves on the brink of a new era of worldwide communication and unfettered freedom of thought and expression. Behold, the Internet! The connection we make today will be remembered for eons to come as the greatest moment in history. We are gods.
Indeed. And here I go.
The Internet! Where is it? Who the? Is this it? Which one of you is Dr. Lawrence Roberts? Who wants to know? The future.
Goodbye, Doctor.
God, what have you done? Perhaps I should explain. We have some time where my gun recharges. You see, I too am a scientist and inventor of time travel. I have come from the future in order to stop the creation of the single greatest evil ever visited upon mankind.
The web of folly. Or, as you call it, the Internet. What? But the Internet is nothing less than the manifestation of man's fullest potential. It will unite people in ways never before imagined. Ways like celebrity gossip blogs and ironic pedophilia news groups.
You forgot one thing, Dr. Roberts. People are dicks. No, it cannot be.
Where you hear the free exchange of ideas, I hear a thousand idiots typing first as fast as they can. Surely people must write other things on the Internet. What do they post after first? Second, third, and so on. Until finally they grow weary of numerals and begin to compare the topic at hand to Nazis or homosexual intercourse.
Ha! He's lying.
The Internet can never be used for pornography. There are no images.
Oh no, head doctor.
Tell me, do the words two girls, one cup mean anything to you?
Behold, rule thirty-four. I shall not let you. My God.
Oh!
This is popular! So popular that a video of you reacting to it would also be popular. Why was this not stopped?
Did the world's leaders sit idly by and do nothing? In my time, the world leaders are Prime Minister Dramatic Chipmunk and his Secretary of Defense, Fat Kid, who sings Norwegian Techno.
Everyone on Earth sits alone, hurling petty insults and misleading links to horse porn at each other until they finally get their food-calm accounts banned and starved to death. My world is a wasteland, doctor.
And it's all thanks to that infernal device. It must be destroyed.
Now! I understand.
Goatsies. Star Wars kitty.
No! Doctor Expendable. Damn you!
He was the best we ever had.
You're fluent in memetic. What is this about?
All cats hamster dance. Dancing CG babies.
I'm in your base killing your dudes Chuck Norris. Facts.
Garfield minus Garfield. You mean, oh really? Chocolate frame?
Charlie bit my finger. What what in my butt?
This is Sparta, Leroy Jenkins!
Snakes on a plane. Angry German kid flying spaghetti monster.
Nintendos. I understand. But he's time travel device.
I won't be needing it.
For your secret, doctor. I lied! I'm not from the bird of future at all, but from the same time as the good doctor here.
Then why? Coppozow peanut butter jelly time.
Horse pore. Oh my god. It's full of wind. All I got was horse pore.
Does one cup mean anything to you?
Behold. Rule 34. I shall not let you. My god.
Oh!
This is popular! So popular that a video of you reacting to it would also be popular. Why was this not stuck?
Did the world's leaders sit idly by and do nothing? In my time, the world leaders are Prime Minister Dramatic Chipmunk and his Secretary of Defense, Fat Kid who sings Norwegian Techno. Everyone on Earth sits alone, hurling petty insults and misleading links to horse porn at each other until they finally get their food calm accounts banned and starved to death. My world is a wasteland, doctor.
And it's all thanks to that infernal device. It must be destroyed.
Now. I understand.
Goatsies. Star Wars kiddie.
No! Doctor Expendable. Damn you!
He was the best we ever had. You're fluent in my medic.
What is this about?
All cats hamster dance. Dancing CG babies.
I'm in your base killing your dudes Chuck Norris.
Facts. Garfield minus Garfield.
You mean? Oh really?
Chocolate rain?
Charlie bit my finger. What what? In my butt?
This is Sparta, Leroy Jenkins.
Snake's on a plane. Angry German kid flying spaghetti monster.
Nintendo. I understand. But he's time travel device.
I won't be needing it.
For you see, good doctor. I lied. I'm not from the bird of future at all but from the same time as the good doctor here.
And why?
Coppola's out. Peanut butter jelly time.
Horse porn. Oh my gosh. It's full of wind. All I got was horse porn. |
dropout | Caught_Internet_Stalking | Thank you. Raphael? Erica? Yes! Hi! Hey! How are you? Good!
It's so funny, I was telling a few of my girlfriends about this Tinder date and we actually know someone in common. Oh! Michelle Park. Oh! That's so crazy that you would know that. He said that she spoke with you briefly at a party like a few weeks ago. Did someone do some winderin' and stalkerin'? Oh, you've got me.
Oh man, I am so embarrassed. Sorry.
It's okay, I get it. It's normal.
Really? You sure? Yeah!
Everyone does it. I know, right? I really appreciate that. Yeah. I love this place, by the way. Oh, I know you do.
Do we know what we want this evening? Still deciding. Okay. I'm sorry, uh, how do you know?
It's just that you post a lot of pictures from here and I should not have mentioned that. I'm sorry. That was maybe a little bit too much of a deep dive.
I get it. I do too.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Thank God! I should have known that a psych major would be understanding. How do you know what I majored in?
Oh, Ron's Facebook. My dad? Well, your granddad.
What? Oh. That's right. You don't know. What? Okay.
I am so sorry. I should not be the one to tell you this.
You know how your brother is old enough to be your dad, right? Well, that's because he actually is your dad.
What? I know. I'm so sorry. I don't know. Still deciding? You know what?
I know that Yelp said that you were supposed to be the best waiter here, but I got to tell you, you're kind of getting on my nerves. You stalked my Yelp reviews? You freak! It's not stalking if it's on Yelp. I mean, it's not like I went to his LinkedIn and made a recommendation and it's like, you know what?
I got to delete that. I'm sorry. I think this is maybe too much.
Calm down. Take a breath. Remember your blood pressure. You have a problem.
Come on. You know this is what we do. Medical records are so easy to hack into. It's like they want you to do it, right? I mean, otherwise it wouldn't be so easy to just call up, pretend to be your dad, who's actually your granddad.
I am so sorry about that, by the way. They made that decision not to tell you without me. I would have never done that to you. Don't message me again. Can you please not tell Ron I told you?
He really trusts me. For the price of a whole lot of straws per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner to chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as Troopers.
Sign up for your free trial today. You don't need all those straws. Give them to me. |
TheOnion | Woman_Who_Had_Abortion_Shares_How_She_Regrets_Not_Stopping_For_M_M_McFlurry_Afterwards | Two years ago I had an abortion and while I still think each individual should have the right to decide what to do with their own body, I also think it's important for me to share my own experience because I'd be lying if I said I don't have any regrets. I regret my decision to have an abortion and not stop for an eminemic flurry afterward. I'll probably regret it forever. I never wavered in my decision to terminate my pregnancy throughout the procedure but looking back now I find myself wishing I had taken a little more time to weigh the pros and cons of picking up a cool, tasty treat for McDonald's on my way home when I was already out and about. I think I was just so overwhelmed by the concept of choosing between Oreo and M&M at the time that I wasn't thinking straight and I ended up making a hasty decision to drive straight back to my apartment empty handed. Sadly I now see that was the wrong choice for me. Unfortunately it's one that cannot be undone. Logically I know that there's no use agonizing over the past when the outcome cannot be changed.
Of course there's still a chance I'll go on and have more McFlurries in the future when I'm 100% ready for one. That'll be great but sometimes I let myself wonder if things worked out differently. What might that M&M McFlurry have been like? Would it have blue M&M's? Brown ones? Would it be large or small?
I guess it doesn't matter now because that exact mixture of chocolate candy and vanilla soft serve that I would have eaten that day will never exist and it's all my fault. I'm trying not to cry but that thought makes me really really hungry. I told myself it wasn't the right time. It didn't seem convenient to wait in line at that point in my life but is there ever a right time? I should have just bought it then and decided afterward whether or not I could finish it when at least I could have given the rest away to someone who knew they wanted one. These are the questions I find myself asking now, now that it's too late. It's easy to put off grabbing an M&M McFlurry when you're young and naive and think it won't be your only chance to have one but then you wake up one day and you're too old to eat that kind of stuff and you have no one to blame but yourself. No woman should have to go through that. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_The_Goonies | Look, if we keep going, someone's really gonna get hurt. Maybe dead.
Don't say that! Never say that!
Goonies never say die! This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In honor of the film's 30th anniversary, today's Cinema Classics segment will look at The Goonies, a lighthearted adventure film from 1985 that falls frustratingly short of greatness by failing to include a character saying, friendship is a treasure that's worth more than gold, which I suspect is the meaning of this film, but unfortunately, have never been able to confirm. Directed by Richard Donner, The Goonies tells the story of a group of friends who embark on a treacherous journey in search of pirate treasure that could save their homes from foreclosure.
But while it's tempting to conclude that the film contains the underlying message that friendship is more valuable than gold, it's impossible to know for sure in the absence of someone coming right out and saying it. Certainly, the children in the film seem to deeply appreciate each other's company, but they also appear to find great joy in riches. However, without one of The Goonies explicitly stating, friendship is a treasure that's worth more than gold, or there's no gold in the world like your pals, or even who needs buried treasure when you've already got your friends right here, the film's central thesis remains a complete and utter mystery. For example, in this scene where Andy, played by Cary Green, must figure out the notes of a booby-trapped bone organ before The Goonies all fall into a pit, there's no reason she couldn't have tearfully declared, whatever happens, you'll always be my best friends. Without her even explicitly mentioning treasure, we the viewers would nevertheless understand that nothing was more valuable to this group than friendship, including all the gold in the world. Or this scene, for example, is a missed opportunity to bring the film's message into crystal clear focus. The Goonies finally emerge from the caverns, apparently empty-handed. But if it's true that even though their pockets aren't stuffed with gems and coins, they still have friends, and there's nothing more precious than that, why not just put it out there? Just say something about friendship winning out over treasure and be done with it. Maybe Brand, played by a young Josh Brolin, says, we left all the treasure behind. And then Mikey, played by Sean Astin, looks from friend to friend and says, no, I think the treasure's right here. And it doesn't even have to be one of the kids. Maybe early on in their journey, the group could encounter a mysterious old man who reminds them that friendship is worth more than all the treasure in the world, a lesson that they would slowly learn over the course of the film, and then repeat out loud at the very end themselves, I ask you, would that be so goddamn difficult?
Would it? Because while I think I know what The Goonies is about, sadly, none of us will ever know for sure. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
TheOnion | Small_Town_Mayor_Steps_Down_Amid_Scandal_Over_Forged_Coupon | Well, Pennington is reeling this hour from one of the biggest stories we've seen in decades. That's right, Kathy. Mayor Sue Hallinan has stepped down following revelations of her involvement in a coupon forging scandal. After a week of fervent denials, Mayor Hallinan admitted that last Thursday she used five counterfeit coupons on a weekly shopping trip to the Kroger for a savings totaling $14.81. Once you've made a fake coupon and you've had a taste of that power, it's hard to stop. Sheriff Stevens called the scheme extremely sophisticated. If you look here, this is the original Folger's coupon for 30 cents off. And this is Mayor Hallinan's fake coupon that says 80 cents off. The two are virtually indistinguishable. Mayor Hallinan also apologized for her first response to the controversy when she blamed Jared the paperboy for stealing her coupons and replacing them with the fakes.
I don't know what to say. She could have ruined my career. I hope she goes to jail forever. And in what many are saying is the ultimate indignity, Mayor Hallinan's photo has been put up on the Kroger's so-called banishment wall in between such undesirables as the Frederick's boy and infamous gum thief, Mr. Ivins. She's clearly got a sickness. I hope she gets the help she so desperately needs. Hear, hear. |
TheOnion | How_Will_The_End_Of_Print_Journalism_Affect_Old_Loons_Who_Hoard_Newspapers | I'm Juliana Mechanis filling in for Clifford Banes, who is standing over a bound and gagged man with a shovel wondering if he has the guts to go through with it. With so many newspapers struggling financially, some analysts fear the print media is in danger of collapsing. But if newspapers disappear, what will crazy old loons fill their dusty, cluttered houses with? Well, this is a real crisis. If the print media dies, loons will have nothing to stack in huge piles in every corner of their homes. Robert is right. Since the time of the American Revolution, reclusive loons have been hoarding newspapers. Look, time's changed.
Loons will just have to find something else to stack. Speaking as a loon myself. You're a loon?
Yes. My home is a maze of old newspapers stacked from floor to ceiling. I didn't know that. How could you? No other living person has set foot inside my house in 14 years. Listen, the death of the newspaper is going to affect a lot more than just a bunch of crazy old loons. Damn. There are people all over this country that depend on newspapers to cover the floor of their garage when they're trying to paint something. Now, I love newspapers as much as any half-crazed pack rat, Herman.
But the future of the news is the internet, plain and simple. Oh, come on, David. Kindergarten teachers aren't going to have any newspaper to make their papier-mache pinatas out of. Why is that the response? Besides, that internet news is completely unreliable.
That's right. Piles of print-out fall right over once your cat jumps on it. Exactly. Now, I acknowledge the stackability of newspapers. Thank you, because stacking is a treasured pastime of loons, something I've dreamed about my son being able to do when he loses his mind.
But loons have learned to adapt in the past. I mean, before newspapers, shut-ins and crazies hoarded animal bones and waxed- You cannot insulate your clothes with animal bones. Some people believe that the government should step in and give financial support to the newspaper industry in order to preserve the loon way of life. No, we already subsidize Amtrak for the benefit of the loons, costing the taxpayers millions of dollars.
Why are we- Robert, as a loon, do you think- It's $56.22. Robert? $17.40. Well- |
dropout | hardly_working_baby_talk | I'm telling it, if we all stand here long enough, we'll all reach a simultaneous movie. Hey, guys.
Baby!
I'd like to introduce you to Reginald Ruxman Willoughby. He was born three weeks ago to my sister and then husband. They got divorced yesterday. Aww. Who's the cutest boy in the whole wide world? You are Reginald. Oh, he's so sweet.
Oh, I think he likes you, Sarah. Do you like Sarah?
Do you, Reginald? Well, she has a very, very woe self-esteem. Yes, she does. No, I don't.
No one respects him around here. No they don't.
Hey! I work hard, you son of a bitch. Alright. My turn to play with the baby. Here we go.
Jeff, were you Reginald? Jeff is going to end up alone because he's got a quippling feel and can't talk to girls. No, he can't. And he's got intensely bad B.O. He smells like your little bitty dookies, doesn't he? I'll kill you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Jesus. Oh, and this is Brian Murphy. He looks like a little bitty old lesbian. Yes, he does. And he's the weight that's bringing his company down. Yes, he is. He's woolly woolly.
Hey, hey. I get it. Hey man, I'm just talking to my nephew. Relax.
Adam's beard looks like little bitty pubes. You're not even looking at the baby. Oh, and his breast smells like wanton milk. It's woolly woolly gross.
You've destroyed me as a man. Reginald Ruxpin Willoughby? Reginald, I didn't realize I work with so many baby haters. Oh, look who it is, Reginald? It's me. I've got a quippling self-fear of failure, and I don't really have many friends, and end up crying alone every single night. Oh, that's sad. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jake_and_amir_5 | Oh, yeah, let's play, yeah, let's play, let's play Kings, my faves. I said Kings. So, I was king of my second faves. Well, the first one you said wasn't actual Kings.
Not yet. It's too hardcore. Too non-existent.
Yeah, for some. Okay, for everybody. You wanna play Kings? Yeah, oh, yeah.
No, I don't know. You don't know?
This one's bubbling.
That's right. I don't know if that's a thing. No, it's okay. Let's play as, we'll figure it out as we go along, alright? Sure.
Pick a card. Easy, six of hearts. Physically, pick a card. Yes. It's not a magic trick. Show everybody the card. Okay, it's a Queen.
How did you know that? A magician never reveals his secrets. No, you showed it to me, so that's my secret.
That's right, question. Okay, we're gonna speak only using questions.
First person to fuck that up loses and has to drink. Okay, I can do that. Okay, how are you enjoying your first game of Kings?
Where are we? Isn't it obvious where we are?
How much do I weigh, Father? Why would I know how much you weigh? I know how much you weigh! 163 pounds in the morning, 165 pounds at night.
Okay. Oh, shit. That's not a question, right? You're right! Okay. Easy. You missed your mouth, that's okay. Go ahead. Okay. Never. Whoo! Yeah, I'm here. Ah! That's good. Ah, game over.
Pick a card over, yes! It's my turn. I'm picking a card now. Ready? I got an ace. One ball!
There are different rules to Kings. This one is I make up my own rule, okay? Okay. So I'm going to play it. My rule is going to be every time before you drink, you have to say the name of a former president.
Otherwise, if you don't, you have to sit twice. Then this one's two Morocco bombs.
That's the current president, not a former president. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry about that. I'm getting further away from it. That's his wife, not the president.
Perfect. I'll do that one to you. Go ahead. Oh my god, but I feel dumb. That's okay. Your turn. You good? Yeah. I'm going to, last card.
Ugh! Six!
It's a nine. You weren't holding it upside down. You just didn't know it was a nine.
Alright. Nine is Busta Ron. Easy. It's easy when I... That's okay. You weren't supposed to do that anyway.
Whatever you're done with that thing you're going to have to break because you had not said anything that rhymes with what I do. Shit, then if I stalled then I don't want to drink any more alcohol and my liver really hurts.
Yo. Oh. Fuck this. There you go. Good work.
Look somebody else's. I know what you're thinking. You're like oh let's move the mirrors.
Okay honestly, I'm not extra. I'm not it, I'm not. I'm not drunk, I'm not drunk.
Can I give you a surviving test? What? Can I give you a surviving test? Do it! Can he give me a blow job? Let's just see if you can walk a straight line.
Okay, you're behind the stage now. I'm fine! You're fine?
Okay, tell you what, let's come back here. We'll make you do one last drunk trick for you guys. Alright, why don't you stand on one foot, pat your head, rub your stomach, and say the other way. We should have played with water. You know what, we'll take a night. Good night everybody, thank you very much. |
dropout | a_viking_s_peace | Hello, everyone. Welcome to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am your host, Jessica. I'm here with my co-host. I'm Rekha.
And we're so very lucky to have two experts with us. Our resident dirty booty expert, Raph is here.
That's me, the Tang. The Tang is in the house. Tang, Tang, Tang.
And a new face to some of the college humor audience. We have our resident Viking expert, Andrew.
Hey. Thanks for being here. Thank you so much for having me.
I'm so excited to talk about Space and Vikings. Yes, the book is Vikings in Space. Yes, by Zoe York. It is book one of the Vikings in Space series. The book is called a Vikings piece, P-E-A-C-E.
Not P-E-A-C-E, like a side piece or a piece of pizza. It's an erotic book. The Vikings piece with an eye would have made more sense. A little more sense. Because the title doesn't have anything to do with the story. I think you're wrong. This is about diplomacy. The entire book. More than half of it is about that.
Yeah, but the piece is never disturbed. The piece is never threatened, just like... Maybe your piece wasn't.
Okay. The thing he's worried about introducing relations with FedNet or FNAF, is FedNet United Forces FNAF. I thought it was right.
The thing he's worried about is not them fighting with Earth, it's tourists. They are worried about tourists. That's the primary thing he's concerned about.
Yeah, so we're a little ahead of ourselves. We need to set up the world that we're in. The year is 2,254, so we're in the future.
Our two lead characters are Raine. He is a Viking. We learn that he is the son of the King Viking, and he is supposed to take over the throne, but he'd rather be our agricultural scientist. And then we have Ashley, who is from Earth. Vikings have left Earth. She's going on a diplomatic mission to...
What was their plan to say? Ringguard?
Midgard. To visit the Midgardians.
And have diplomacy and stop tourism. And also, there's resources that they talk about a lot in the book. Yeah, it's front-loaded a lot with this sort of pseudo Game of Thrones. Yeah, Game of Thrones meets Star Trek or something like that.
I was so embarrassed because I was reading it, and I sincerely thought, so Andrew's a huge Game of Thrones fan. He's my dungeon master in our game. He has a photographic memory for this stuff. And I was like, well, at least Andrew's going to love this stuff. He's going to be so into it. And then I saw him halfway through the week, and I was like, how do you liken that book? And he told me it was crap.
The fact that there's Vikings in it hardly enters into it at all.
Right. It's more just in name. Yeah. In size. Yeah.
Well, Vikings are very wise. They're large people. Yes, they are very wise. I don't know about tall.
Some sex practices come into it, which we'll discuss later. Viking sex practices? Well, that there's a feast, and that all of them have sex at the feast. Yeah, the Viking planet is very about group sex.
Yeah, and about partnering. Yeah, you can have someone come into your bedroom. Is that accurate towards Vikings? I don't know. Yeah, you're the expert, so you have to kind of...
Right. Well, based on my Viking research, which is reading Neil Gaiman's Norse mythology once. Yes. That's more than any of us in the world today. I read it only. I guess. Seems like it makes sense. Cool. Okay. And they used oils and stuff that... Probably. Yeah. The oil is very important. Really? So we know for a fact that it's accurate. Great. Okay. Let's just say we know for a fact that Vikings liked to dribble oil on their body. Yeah.
They need lube to really get it going. It's dry up there. It's so... Actually, that's a great point. Probably really dry. Your skin's probably like...
We're in space. They're in space the same way we're in space. Do you mean space travel or on their planet? I don't know what their planet's atmosphere is like. I've seen that, too, because they have two moons. So their gravity and their waves would be different than ours.
And nobody's talking about it. Nobody is talking about it.
Yeah. It's subtly implied throughout the entire book that they're all just like... God, gravity's different here. Would two moons make it more to the ground or floaty? I think more to the ground. You think? Because the moon's gravitational pull... Because the gravitational... What does the moon do for us? Yeah.
I mean, it affects the waves. I know that. It affects the waves. What has the moon done for me lately? It affects the waves. I would think it would make us lighter. It makes me and Rachael crazy. Because it makes waves.
Yeah. All right, we're getting... Guys, let's share with our space expert. I had a friend here watch one Carl Sagan. I'm not an astrophysicist, but that doesn't sound correct. Yeah. Well, regardless, they need more oils here. Yeah. That we can agree on.
As far as erotic books go, and I mean, obviously, I am a fan of the show, but I have not actually read the books, any other erotic books. And for this one, I would think there's more... Would you say there's more or less of the diplomacy... Oh, this is a book book. There is far more diplomacy in this book than in the previous book.
These notes are so dense. They talked about the name of their planet. Limited trade and precious minerals.
I thought they would be more sex, honestly. I thought like page one would be...
We're in it. We're into the copulation of people. Yes.
Well, it doesn't happen. It doesn't happen until way later. Chapter seven is when we get our first... The actual penetration. When a book is only nine chapters long, that's a little too far in.
Well, it's the climax. It's the climax of when...
Well, here, let's set up what's happened. Let's get into this book. So, Ashley's going to the planet, and all of the Earth diplomats are paired up with a Midgardian diplomat. And believe it or not, guess who she's paired up with? Our boy, Rain, the Viking, son, king, king, son of the king.
Yes. And they kind of have it for each other as soon as they meet. And I'm into them. I think they're cute together. I think I love their back and forth. Will we, won't we? I mean, I'm feeling it.
It's a real Sam and Diane situation. It totally is. Sam and Diane, there was the show called Cheers. And Sam and Diane were the main characters on that show. Sam's sort of the wide Viking of the Cheers bar. Yeah, three Diane's wide.
Not sort of a second in command lieutenant from another planet. Well, there's the whole arc about Rain's baseball career. I'm being an alcoholic, but he's still a bartender.
Yeah, yeah, totally. So they meet. They're feeling each other. But they're like, this cannot happen. But they want it to happen. And we, as the audience, know it's going to happen.
Yeah. I mean, I was at a Lusk. I mean, honestly, questioning it. Five chapters in. If it was going to happen. It takes so long. Yeah. It is a bit too much, Will.
They won't. They will agree to that.
But I liked a little bit of it. I like a little bit of tease and a little bit of looky-looky. What's going to happen? I like that, too. I wish.
So the whole reason they can't, the won't they of the book, is because it's not professional for Ashley on a mission, right, to have sexual relations with a different man. And this is her first mission. She's right out of the academy. She got the mission because somebody got, I don't know, future flu or something. Future flu. And then she had to go. And everyone's like, is she going to be able to do this? So that's why she's extra throughout.
Like, I can't do this. I can't compromise my job. And I think that's very relatable. Yeah. I think you always want to be on your best behavior. And I think as a woman, I can understand if I'm going into space. I don't want to fuck on my first mission.
Yeah, for sure. Totally. Yeah. And we all understand. Yeah. I get that. Is that accurate in Viking culture? Yeah.
The disease that her predecessor got, just so we have the specific, is viral guaravian fever.
I told you he loves specifics. You don't love that. You love this shit. And you love this shit.
I knew it. Definitely. I'm like, oh, do they have specific names for all the things in it? Viral guaravian fever sounds like a thing you get from eating a fruit or something. Yes. Yeah.
Like a guava. Guava. Guava fever. He ate a bunch of guavas from his neighbor's train.
Also, for those of you just listening, Andrew has a hard copy of this book. He doesn't like reading it on the screen.
And I mean, it's so, I bet this author is really happy. Yeah. You made Zoe York's Day. Good. I'm the only one who's ever bought this one.
Oh, well, now you made her sad. Zoe, close your ears.
So he's showing her around and showing her her room. There's this fun little scene where there's like, here's our special Viking rain thing. And he's like, oh, you should do it. And then she's like, what? There's a little flirtation there.
And then he tells her about the feast. And the feast is known for all of the Vikings that eat a lot. And then they all have sex with one another. And that's one of the big things that Vikings do.
So they're excited to go to that. But he's like, oh, it's kind of more just for show and for the tourists. And we don't like do that all the time. We usually just like go to our friend's house and watch them do it. But today, it's a special day. So we're all going to watch each other. I'll see you there. She's like feeling him.
They go to the feast. And I was kind of bummed out by the feast that we didn't get to see more of the sex. As soon as it started, they were like, oh, but don't watch that.
Yes. It was a little like the tease element of this book is a literal too literal. Yeah, like where it's like a tease for both Ashley and the reader, which is like not what should happen, I think. Yeah. Right.
They're at the feast. She meets the dad and impresses him. And he's impressed by that too. Rain. Then they go out to the garden and they have a quick little smooch under the two moons.
Yeah. Very like moonstruck. Have you guys seen that movie? Yeah. Come on. I like that. The one with Cher, right? Yeah. Yeah, I love it.
Well, because she's so great. They kept sending Nicole in that movie. Oh, well, her hair was way closer to the sun. Oh, yeah. She's got big old hair in that movie. Wow. And she looks hot as hell. Oh, my god. She's great. Cher is great. Nicolas Cage was good in that movie.
He's incredible. He doesn't have a hand. And he's like, my hand.
And that's what this scene is kind of like. One thing I like, they say it. And so we were talking a little bit about beforehand ways we thought maybe this was actually written by a woman. She says she's not a virgin. And not that I am totally fine with virgins being in these erotic books. But I feel like the norm for what we've read is this sort of virginal aspect.
Oh, that's so gross. So the protagonist. That's so disgusting.
Even if they're not actually virgins, it's like, again, there's truly nothing wrong with there being a virgin protagonist whatsoever. But thinking. But from the man's perspective, he thinks that she- That that's hot or something? Yeah. Or that she is a virgin. As far as he knows, she's a virgin.
Like, I'm going to break her in. Yes, and that's gross. And I appreciated that that wasn't in this. She's done it a couple times before, but never like this. Yeah, I do remember that. Well, there is a little bit. Yeah, right, exactly. Yeah, the thing of never like this. Yeah.
Are we getting to the sex yet? Or we still have ways to go. Oh, we have a little ways to go. We're teasing it. OK, OK. There's a big tease.
So at the feast, an odd thing that happened was this woman was singing for everyone before the sex happened. And she's naked and pregnant. And all these people are kind of like fanning her.
And then Raine's like, yeah, that's my ex-wife. Yes. And it's like his ex-wife left him for his best friend.
And so all the Viking community sees that as bad. They're like, you couldn't keep your woman. That's very offensive in the Viking community.
Yeah. We confirmed. We believed you.
I thought that that was going to come back. You know what I mean? I thought the ex-wife is going to come back too. Because she throws it in his face of like, does she? Yeah. Sometimes toward the end, she's like, what am I? I'm not like your ex-wife. And then he's like, what?
No. Like, it's totally irrelevant.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like a totally superficial conflict point. Yeah. I do love Raine. Every time like the beginning back and forth, when he keeps talking about wanting to throw her down on furs and just do her, there was something about that that was like really getting me. Yeah. I like really liked it.
I will, because it's been cold lately. And so just for some backstory, it's been freezing. It's freezing out here. Like, we're talking like 49 degrees.
And one time I was making, we were making Love Me and Kate. And she put a blanket over me. And then I came. And it felt so fucking good to be so warm and comfy. I was like, I am in heaven.
Because of the blanket.
So you have to understand where Jess is coming from, OK? From personal experience. So just all these furs, I'm like, oh, that sounds so comfy. Just the whole book is like a big, it's a nice winter read.
I think. Yes.
It is a nice winter read. There is a lot of blanket plagues. It's a lot of blankets. A lot of, oh, I got you a gift.
Oh, let me tuck you in the bed. And I'm like, oh, god. Yeah. And he picks her up a lot. And his big fucking arms. Yeah.
By the booty. By her tight little ass. Like a little baby kitten. No, he's got a thick neck. He picks her up by her tight little ass, is what they say. Yes, by her tushy. It says bottom a lot.
Yeah. That's surprised by how often she goes with the term bottom. Yeah. But then cock. Yeah, right.
Like he rubbed his cock against her bottom. I think women feel good about their butts. I feel like most women have something that they don't like about themselves, but they're like, but I do have an ass. And so I could get why she was into her bottom a lot.
Yeah. It talks about her having this nice ass, but there's zero butt stuff in this book. Yeah. Another promise that wasn't kept. Which are dirty booty expert. Any thoughts on that?
I mean, you promised me. You promised me. What did I promise you? Just you promised. Just by inviting me on this.
That's the implication. That is true.
I didn't get to use any of my books or my research.
Okay, so they have a little kiss under the moonlight. Yeah. But it's of course, you know, no, no, no, we can't do this. They space text each other for a little. And it's like a little horny, a little racy.
And then one day he sends gifts to her apartment. He gets her dinner, which I also love that.
But it was just like jellies and stuff. Didn't it describe it as the word jelly was in whatever the food was?
That's their culture. Sorry, I'm being insensitive.
They love jellies and spreads. They love jellies and oil. Jellies.
Yeah, it's like an Ikea. A lot of that stuff's kind of gelatinous. Viking stuff is like super. So if you're having a hard time picturing it, it's kind of a lot like an Ikea. It is.
They met in the bistro. He had like lingonberry jam and stuff. And then they went to the kitchen section.
They sleep on a bed built for sex. Like an Ikea. Yeah, like an Ikea. Well, the bed in her apartment on that part of the planet, they said is a Viking size bed, which I imagine is even bigger than a California king.
And that's big. Yeah, that's really big. Almost too big. No, never too big. I think it could be too big.
Yeah, I don't have a room big enough for a California big. Room wise. Okay, if the room is big enough, if the room's big enough. An infinity room. Would you want a Viking bed?
Yeah. Sure.
I'm only two Ashley's watch. I don't know. It sounds like too much bed. In the book, they describe rain as being three Ashley's watch.
That's really big. I was very wide man. I was picturing the guy from the Emperor's New Groove.
Not the mama. Right. But I know. Cronk. Yeah. Paul of the Lava, Cronk. I'm picturing Cronk. Love that. Oh my god, I'm more into this book. Or like the big aunt from ants. Oh yeah. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Forget the idea analogy. If you're having trouble picturing it, rain is a big hot air.
I was picturing the candle guy from Beauty and the Beast. What? In the whole time. It would be Beast. It would be Beast and your Jesus. But in my mind's eye, it was the candle guy. Picture Sebastian from the Little Mermaid. Okay, now picture him wider.
That sort of rain. Picture him three Ashley's watch. Oh my god. Where were we? Okay, so they're sexting each other. He gives her a gift. It's that.
And then at the feast, there was also a moment where dancers came out and they rub oil. And oil is a big part, which we've talked about. And he gives her oil as well.
And he's like, I'll show you how I jacket when we finally do it. Which I was like, how many ways could there be? I would feel like I know. I get it.
There's no mystery there.
I rub my hand up and down. He's like, no, no, no. But look, look, look, look. And she's like, yeah, I get it. Well, no, no, no. But see, the way I do it is different. I wrap real tight in my fist, see. And I put my hand this way.
Yeah, that is weird. Oh, okay. Also, rain has foreskin. And I do think that that is important. Yes. That's where Vikings are all over this place. Andrew? They don't believe in circumcision, I don't think.
And they're huge. They're very wide people.
I would like to talk about his cock for a second. Of course. It was a thing of beauty, with silky skin stretched tight behind a wide head, dusky pink down the length, almost dark purple behind the foreskin, and all hers.
I hated that. I hated that so much. That sounded so gross.
It sounded like, I don't know. You know, sometimes gak would come in a shape, like a vessel that was shaped like something. Like a penis? Is that what you're saying? When you say like something, are you saying that the gak would come in a contained... Yes, I remember penis gak. You remember when they put out that line of penis gak? And you squeeze it, and it came out the top. Nickelodeon got real weird for a minute. Also, is what you're describing a tube. Did it come in a tube? And you're just calling it a thing that looked like a penis? Maybe I'm thinking of like, flaunt.
But like, they'd be like, look, it's a football. And it's shaped like a football. And then of course, you take it out, and you always mess with it the way you would like to. But the way this is described, it's just like two, the colors are like too...
Vibrant? Vibrant.
It makes me think of like, gak or something. Yeah, yeah. There's this part towards the end where the dark slit at the very end, the subtle fold of his foreskin stretched behind that thick plum head. Plum head! The dark slit at the very end. Like, what a gross way to describe the tip of a dick. It's on the veggie tail, too, to me. When you say that. Plum head. Oh my god.
A veggie tail. It's very religious. This is the worst veggie tail I've ever seen.
This also, she describes, I mean, she describes cock a lot. But also, when she refers to herself, her own sex organs, she literally just calls it her wet sex. This is a sentence, her wet sex riding his straining cock. I don't know why people use the word sex so much to describe it in these books. It comes up a lot. I wonder if pussy and cunt is considered vulgar and sex is still sexy, but not...
What else would you call it? What other word?
There's a part where she... My punani was stopping. There's a part where she wonders if he'll call it... Will he call it pussy or cunt?
But then we never answer that. No, he doesn't refer to it at all.
Why does your cock strain? Is it reaching for something?
Maybe he's really old. Maybe he's real dehydrated.
Oh, see the oils. The oils. It all comes back to oils.
That all makes sense. See, the book is deeper than you guys have. It is, yeah. We just gotta think.
This is also something kind of to touch on what Raph said, because she's describing her vagina as her sex. Did you guys notice the narration shift? It shifted a lot between perspectives. At first, it was a lot of Ashley, and then it kind of shifted terrain for most of the rest of the book. Oh, I thought the POV switched back and forth, which I liked because a triple quadruple confirmed consent. And I was like, all books should do this. We should hear how both parties are thinking and feeling about this at all times. It made me so much more into it.
Yes. The only part that was creepy for me is in chapter six where it's... When the ghost came? No.
I was cool with the ghost. Ghosts are cool.
But at the beginning of chapter six, it says, Rain watched Ashley sleep for hours before ducking out.
Yeah. The ducking out is very funny. The duck, yeah. He's huge. I don't think, yeah.
How long do you watch women sleep for?
Hours. Days.
And then I duck out. It's not... And then I duck, yeah.
She's sick. She's sleeping forever. What could she have been doing that would have kept his attention for hours? Just seeing those boobies go up and down when she's breathing. He did talk about how he wanted to grab her boob when she was sleeping.
And then this is... I'm skipping to the end.
And he was like, maybe I shouldn't. And then she in her sleep was like, I want to go in a hot tub. And he was like, oh, okay.
I want to go in a hot tub.
I did forget to mention one thing about the feast.
There is a voyeuristic element as well. So after the kiss, they go back in and they're watching everybody do it. He's kind of behind her and there's a bit of like, oh, cock. Feeling his penis on her butt.
Which I like. I always like stuff like that. A little pokey pokey. And he can sense that they're both getting off on watching. Which I was also into that. I liked it. How'd everybody else feel? About the... Like voyeuristic stuff.
Yeah, I'm okay with it. I liked it. It's nice that they did it together. Yeah, it didn't bother me. Yeah, I thought it was fine. It didn't do anything for me. If it doesn't, it did. I think that's what I'm asking. I didn't need it. I think it's a nice plot wise. But yeah, a lot of this book ended up not doing as much for me as I thought. It's doing it for me.
Well, it's a fussy blanket that I have too. It's this blue blanket I got at Marshalls that I just love. Is it the Berkshire blankets? The really fluffy ones?
I think so. Yeah, I got it. You should tell Marshalls. You should be like, Your blanket really enhances my sex. Yeah, I came in this almost instantly. Five stars. It just felt so good. Put it in a Target review or Marshalls review. All right.
She gets her gifts. Then he visits her in the night one night. There's more back and forth. Do they, don't they? We don't even have to get into that. But our first kind of sex moment happens chapter seven when he visits her in the night.
And he's already proposed like he's professed his love. Well, yeah, basically, they have it bad for each other instantly. It's love at first sight.
Right. And he goes in and he's like, I want this, you want this, but we can't do this until we've figured out what it is. And she's like, Well, I have my job. So this can't happen.
Then he picks her up and tucks her into bed. And then they start like fooling around and then he fingers her and eats her out. Sucking and fucking with his mouth.
Which I thought was funny. It's a little like Dr. Seussie. Yeah, that old Dr. Seuss fool. Sucking and fucking doing it. Really reminds me of some of Seuss's early erotic works.
I bet you it exists. She would trust your glasses.
I mean, what do you think about this scene? I thought it was nice. Just a nice little appetizer. One word, finally. It was a bit like, yeah, let's just get to it. Yeah, let's just get down to dirty at this point. I was surprised that they didn't fuck at this part. I know. I did appreciate that he went down on her. Oh, I love that. That was nice. Isn't this also where we start talking about his smell and she talks about how he smells. That's a little bit.
Wait, is this chapter seven? They talk about that in chapter seven.
I did make a note. The moment I knew this was definitely written by a woman was when she described him as smelling like melted sugar and something else. And I was like, oh, spices. Spices, yeah. I was like, hmm. And then later. Like a nice spicy creme brulee. Yeah, yum. Spicy, wet sugar.
He does at the end of this as well sing to her in Danish. Could you imagine being in a giant bed and a man three times the size of you tucks you in and eats you out and sings Danish to you?
Yeah, I've been to an IKEA just. Yeah, I can imagine it. That's why you stop letting people sleep overnight there. Now imagine all that plus a fuzzy blanket. Yeah. Oh my god. Coming for days. So that happens.
They're supposed to go on their big mission. So there's different places where the diplomats can go. They can go to this awesome place that they describe in detail with dragons that everybody wants to go to.
Or there's potato land where like, which is his favorite part of town where people just farm. I guess where we go. We go up to potato land. Gotta get that farming in. To the artisan flats. It's called.
He dips out and he ignores her for a bit.
Yeah, five days. Did you remember the name of it? Yeah, they say it like 15 times. Okay, Andrew, I didn't remember you at all. They say it so many times.
It was so weird. I thought it was just such a strange name. I was like, why is it called The Artisan Flats? I thought they would explain.
Because the potatoes are artisanal. This is artisanal space potato. They just call it potato.
I guess I was too distracted by how horny the book made.
Did you like that they have unicorns that ride people around but they're called pink donkeys? They're called donkeys.
Yeah, I thought that was funny. It's cute. It's so weird.
Just call them unicorns. If you want there to be unicorns, fucking say it to just unicorns. It's a joke. Because Vikings wouldn't call it unicorns.
How do you know? They're tough. Why wouldn't they call it pink donkeys? Because they're strong.
Yeah, boys call them pink donkeys. Call them pink donkeys. Girls call them unicorns.
That comes up a lot too. The thing of him, I think she likes it. She calls him sweet at one point. He's like, don't call me sweet. I'm not sweet. But she gets a real kick out of it, I feel like. Or like the author. They tease each other.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They do have weird gender role type. I don't like that there's never mention of homosexuality on this planet. It's like a man is with a woman. And like, yeah. Even in all the group sex that this planet has. Yeah, yeah.
All the oils that the women were rubbing on each other was just for the men. I mean, if two big Viking women were going at it, I would just love that. And they were just doing it for the love of wanting to do it.
Right. Yeah. That would have been magic.
That is a Viking's piece. Now that is a Viking's piece.
P-I-E-C-E. She goes early. Rain dips out. She wakes up. He's not there. She's kind of pissed off. Yeah. What happened? She goes to go on a mission. She thinks they're going together. He's not there. She's pissed off again.
She goes to artisan potato land. And she picks vegetables. And she picks vegetables and wears Viking clothes.
He shows up late because he had a meeting with his dad where the surveillance footage from the night of the party shows that they kissed.
Yeah. And we think this is going to be where we start to escalate plot-wise. But the dad doesn't seem to care. It's not a big deal. Yeah, no. And then he goes to potato land. There's no downside for rain in this at all. Yeah.
Like, there's a whole thing like, oh, their relationship is it's taboo and it's forbidden. But not for him. The worst thing that will happen to him is somebody ribs him a little bit about it. What happens is he's like, his dad gives him a little shit but then he doesn't care.
There's no draw. And he's divorced anyway. There's no drawback whatsoever.
And it's not even that he wouldn't be king. And he doesn't want to be king.
Sort of like she doesn't really give a shit about her job. That's the only stake for her is that it's frowned upon at her job that she could take or leave anyway. And in the beginning, she was all about her job, which I was a little bummed about like towards the end part where it seemed. That she just gives up on it.
Yeah. That you can have both. Why can't you have a Viking husband and still be a good woman? Even in space, women can't have it all. Yeah. She's like, oh, I. But she still could have.
Because even her boss. Horses were too strong. Even her boss, like you said, it was just frowned upon. So he scolded her a little bit.
But then that was it. And then he went to the guy. He went to rain and was like, you better not hurt her. Bang your kneecaps together. He shows up and he's all mad that she's fucking this Viking. But then she's like, but wait, it's serious. And he's like, oh, sorry.
Right. Yeah. Oh, well, that's fine.
Well, they meet up and then they it's more and more back and forth, back and forth, even though they've already fingered. We don't need this anymore. They finally get to it. They're kind of overcome with passions on the staircase of this house that she's staying at when he gets into town. And instead of just really giving it to her there, they have to stop again. And then he picks her up and brings her to the bed made for sex, which is described as a four post bed with curtains like Ebenezer Scrooges.
That's not a bed I'd want to have sex in. It sounds dusty as hell. And my allergies are so bad. Curtains on a bed. That's where you sleep.
It's too much.
But the curtains keep the light out.
I don't like that because then when you wake up in the morning, you already feel like a zombie. And you already feel like a zombie because you were probably up late like having sex or whatever.
Yeah, your bed that was built for it. My bed that was built for sex. This is the bed built for sex.
This is the one for sleeping. And this is the one for eating. And this one is just right. The one for sighing. Yeah, this is the one for painting.
At one point she does describe having zero trouble producing enough saliva when they were having sex, which I thought was gross. Has anyone had trouble producing it?
I guess if you have like a medical condition or if you're really high. She's trying to alert the reader that she's not ill. And I'm functioning at 100%.
Like Zoe York's friends make fun of her for not being able to produce enough saliva. Oh my god, Zoe, how much saliva were you producing at that moment? One guy was like, oh god, it wasn't enough saliva.
Your mouth's just so dry and scratch. It's like fucking 60 grit sandpaper. Maybe this also speaks to the dryness of the planet yet again. Is the planet described as being dry?
I don't think so. There's clues. There's context clues. A little Sherlock. Come on. Oils galore. So these guys get to it.
When she orgasms, she does say, I do love you, you crazy viking. Which I also thought was funny. That is like computer generated orgasm nonsense. Yeah, it doesn't sound like something that would flow naturally out of your mouth. Wow, I loved this time together, sir. As you're coming. Yeah, did we like this sex scene? I thought it was fine. I mean, obviously we've been making fun of it. There was the strange descriptions of the organs that are used during sexual intercourse. You mean the piano organ.
I would call this sex scene forgettable. It was fine, but it was forgettable. I'll remember forever, but maybe only because I don't usually read books like this. And I was reading this on the bus. It is all very forgettable. I'm having trouble even remembering.
They seemed like a perfectly nice couple. I'm glad they're together.
But it was weird stuff like the neck. And she like fell asleep into his neck. Yeah, his large neck made her want to see him naked. Because his neck was also naked.
Because of the next big. Yeah, you got a big neck.
And this goes back to my Cronk philosopher. I think he's Cronk. I mean, but Cronk's tiny at the bottom. True.
Like John Cena. John Cena is smaller than you think. John Cena is like my size.
He's five foot three. He weighs 113 pounds. And how big he is.
Or small. One thing I did appreciate, but I think it's this sex scene. She talks about circling her clit. And that felt realistic to me. Yeah. That felt like, oh, a woman wrote this. Okay. Yeah, penetrative sex is like, you know. It doesn't do it for everybody or most people. I think my issue overall, yeah. Exactly. Yeah.
But I think my issue overall was like, I guess it's too much romance. If you're someone who likes romance, it's good. And I liked romance in the beginning. But then it becomes so much at this point about proposals and will we get married and won and declarations of love.
And I would have liked it so much better if it's just like, I went to Midgard and I fucked this awesome dude who was great. Like I went to Venice and I had sex with this guy and it's such a wonderful memory that I have. We just had a little fling and then it was done.
Yeah. But maybe that's what this is setting up. And it was perfect. Because I didn't realize that this was a part of a trilogy. So maybe this is setting this, maybe the first comes love. This is the fellowship of the ring. Yeah. And then they have to take the ring too. That's why they bring up the dragons. That's right. That's why, yeah. Aren't with the Eagles at the end. Yeah. Just pluck them out of there. She's going to take it, yeah. Yeah.
I just wasn't in love with all the romance, I guess. I think romance and erotica is hard. Because when I watch a TV show like a Riverdale, I am invested in the characters. And that's why the romance is really titillating to me. Whereas with this, with erotica, especially short erotica, you can't really be invested enough to be like, oh my god, he got her flowers.
You're kind of like, can you just fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know what we're here for. You got him a comb. Yeah, sorry, a comb. That's right. I forgot that part.
Which is a traditional Viking gift. Yes, so after they have been at this house and doing it for a while, she goes to the market and buys him a comb that in Viking culture, as Andrew, of course, knows, is a big symbol of love.
It would be, what would someone have to give you to be the equivalent? Oh, yeah. What?
Oh, a comb. Of a comb? Oh, also a comb. A comb with pictures of things I like on it. Oh, cool. So like race cars. Like it's described. Yeah, like race cars, other combs. Raph, what would someone have to give you that's the equivalent of a Viking comb? Is it also a comb?
Well, I need to get my muffler fixed. In my culture, getting someone's muffler fixed.
Are we ready for that? I mean, that's a huge step. Yeah. How about you? God, that would be the equivalent of a Viking comb.
Maybe like a gift card somewhere. Best Buy gift card. Well, it would be really nice. And Secret Santa, I'm sure you've gotten gift cards before. And she's in love with those co-workers. There's gift cards last year.
Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, my god. I didn't even realize. Oh, my god.
But you still haven't used it. I haven't.
Well, that's the will there, won't they? What about you, Jessica? Like dark chocolate covered pretzels. Oh, my god, Jess. They have those crafty. You guys love Jess.
That's why I love coming to work so much. I feel so loved.
Why not a blanket? I already have a blanket.
Oh, daddy. Daddy, right, right, right.
Scrap.
Think before you speak. How extravagant do you think my life is?
If you had a second fuzzy blanket, the orgasm would be far too intense. Too thin, I would explode. You might throw the second moon of Midgard out of balance. Causing us all to become way too light. Or heavy.
We don't know.
You guys don't think that when you see two moons in movies, because in Interstellar, the moon is very close. This is what it is. In Interstellar, the moon is very close to the planet, and it makes the wave go very big and very slow.
And is it Anne Hathaway? Someone lives a very long time by themselves on the ship and the people.
No, Matt Damon. Matthew McConaughey is in the movie. Oh, Matt Damon's also in the movie.
Yeah, he's the guy who was on the planet for forever. This is a different planet.
We're getting confirmation that Jess is right. I'm right. We have our Interstellar expert here. Wait, what are we talking about?
Matthew, you're wrong.
No, Matt Damon was in Interstellar as well. He was lost. And they went... It's Anne Hathaway, Matthew McConaughey, and then their friend is in the ship. They're only here for 10 minutes, and then when they go back to the ship, he's aged like 30 years. Oh, I see, right. And he's like, what have you been?
What a nightmare. That part freaked me the fuck out.
We were thinking of the movie where Ice Cube goes to Mars. What is that? I forget. Ghosts of Mars or something. Is this for real? Yeah, there's a movie where Ice Cube goes to Mars and he has gone. Where's our Ice Cube expert? We have a comment. Ice Cube goes to Mars with ghosts.
Why? What? Why?
It is Ice Cube. I didn't see it. Also, what is it? I don't know.
I remember the trailer. Why does he go to Mars with guns? To shoot ghosts. There's also a movie where... Well, they're Martian ghosts. The moon is closer, so you can shoot him with guns. There's a movie with Ice-T where he goes to an island to hunt a homeless person.
What? You guys know about that movie? No. You don't have to go to an island to do that.
Oh my god. There's a huge homeless problem. Oh my god.
Moving on. Back to Midgard.
Oh, another thing I appreciated about the sex scene. She said, I need to have a quick wash-up afterwards. And that felt nice. Yeah. Like, I was like, maybe she's gonna pee or maybe she's just gonna wipe her hands and her thighs and stuff. This brings up the whole thing about, oh, we're gonna have sex all day and all night and then all until the next day.
When are you gonna eat? How are you gonna have the strength for this? And then, yeah, when are you gonna wash up? When are you gonna drink water? When are you gonna hydrate? When are you gonna wash your sheets?
Or are you just doing this on places not built for sex? Did you just buy this bed for nothing? Yeah. So you're gonna have sex on the floor that was not built specifically for the sex that you're supposed to be having?
Maybe that's why they didn't have sex in the staircase. Because he's like, these stairs weren't built for walking, not for sex. Stairs won't explode if we have sex in them. Stairs won't explode.
It's space. Wait, I forgot off of the bedroom, there's a hot springs hot tub, which I just love. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
That's where you wash up. That's where you wash up for the sex. You can't wash in that.
Sure, hot tub kills everything. Name one person who's ever gotten an infection from a hot tub. I got hot tub rash. From a hot tub in Vegas. It's a rash.
You know this. I know all about it.
It was all over my body. It was terrible. Please, for the love of God, if you learn nothing, do not wash yourself in a hot tub. Did you wash yourself in it? No, I sat in it. Sat in it and soaped myself up and put shit through my hair.
But you just don't put any chemicals in it that don't belong. No, just... Is it the chemicals?
Immediately after. It was... I think it was a dirty hot tub. It was an Airbnb. All of us did.
Nine people went into that hot tub. Eight came out with hot tub rash.
Is it not the person... Could the person who didn't get it have... Maybe.
I wasn't there. I didn't need a rash.
I think it was rap. It's probably rap.
I have to do my hot tub. So they go to the hot tub.
He fucks her mouth with his tongue, which I thought was disgusting. I don't like that either. That's not a nice kiss. Like, tongue stuff...
I don't know. I have a hard time getting a good description of that.
And as they're in the hot tub, she realizes that she doesn't want to have her job. She wants to get married. And this was the journey that she wanted all along, was to grind in a hot tub on this Viking.
Then we have our epilogue. Nine months later. So what do you think, when you hear nine months later, might happen? So I like kind of flipped through it to see how many chapters there were. And I saw the epilogue, said nine months later, and I rolled my eyes. I was like, oh, they're going to have a baby.
And then they didn't.
Correct. Yeah, nine months later, and she's pregnant. She's pregnant. She just got pregnant.
Strange amount of time to choose. Maybe it was meant to be fun. Like, we think it, but it's not a great payoff. They mentioned birth control a lot, or not a lot, but they did make a point to mention that earlier. Did that have something to do with it?
Does Viking birth control last for nine months? It's Fed Nat birth control. She says something about, oh, they're about to fuck.
And she's like, it's fine. It's fine.
I just got my shot or something like that. And it'll wear off just at the time when we need it to wear off.
They don't talk about birth control in a lot of these books, at least.
So that was nice. Yeah? Did you boys like that section? Yeah, I mean, it reminded me of all my own fantasies where I have to justify why nobody's getting pregnant. Oh my god. Yeah, she's pregnant in the epilogue, and she's chopping vegetables. Yes. Which I was like, waiting for rain to come back from the city. They have friends over, and they make them leave so that then they can do it on a table. Yeah.
And they're talking just still about resources and what's a waste of money. I guess now they have paparazzi-ish people around them because it's a bit scandalous and she's with the king. They talk about, but then the earth media is going to hear about it later this week or something. There's just funny things where I'm like, why are you teasing that?
Oh, that's right. He calls her work and is like, could she get out of work so we could be together without her knowing? Yeah, that's pretty fucked up. I don't like that.
He's very possessive and weird. Andrew, if you ever call college humor and do that, I will be so mad at you.
I won't. OK. I probably won't.
And is that sort of, is that like an accurate Viking thing? Like Vikings call their girlfriends out of work? Yeah, before Vikings would go on a raid, they would call up HR of all the women that they were going to steal from the raid, be like, is it OK?
They're going to miss some work. She's going to miss all her work for the rest of her life.
Yeah, I guess so. OK. That was a weird detail. It's being a weird detail. The last thing I highlighted from this book is her commenting on rain and saying, his face is as placid as that of his horse. What? Placid as that is his horse? Yeah.
So just like, blanket stupid. Horses are scary. And my dead-eyed boyfriend. That's really funny. My big, stupid boyfriend who's only smart enough to eat grass. Chew cut, eat grass. I feed him little apples sometimes. So dumb.
It rained a bit and he got scared. You can't sneak up behind him. Don't make loud noises around my boyfriend. He'll kick you in the face.
Oh my goodness. Guys, that's the book. That's a Vikings piece. You know what?
For my first erotic book, not bad. It was not bad. It wasn't awful. They do have a rating system.
One is a drought and four is slide off your chair. So where do you fall? Oh no, five is slide off your chair. Where do you fall within that? And then give that number maybe a little description.
One is a drought. Is it drought? A drought comes in really hard.
It's like five. Where are we at? I'll say I'll put it at, because I have not so much else to compare it to, I'll put it at a four. So that's like a damp winter. I'm sufficiently wet. I'm glad enough to get it done.
Raph is like dryer is broken. Clothes just got out of the washing machine.
I worked up just enough saliva. He has no medical condition to speak of. I worked up plenty of saliva, dad. I didn't have any trouble this time.
Andrea? I guess I'd put it at a two.
Like just a little bit of moisture. Like sand that has some water spilled on it. Yeah, if you dig deep in a...
Like squand. You're squand. Yeah, I'm squand.
Okay. Enough of a description. I guess, I mean, again, zero butt stuff in this book.
Big disappointment. I would have liked it a lot more if it was switched around and it was like big controlling lady Vikings and some little nerdy dude. Very small. One third of the size man.
Yeah. I would love that. Yeah, I would have liked that a lot more.
I was also like, I was relieved. I was concerned because it was like big Viking man and this small woman. I was really concerned that it was gonna get... I was concerned for the direction I thought it might have taken. Yeah. And I was relieved that that didn't happen.
But I was also disappointed that there weren't dominant ladies. It is a shame that dominant women weren't in the book.
Right. Yeah. She does take control at points. There's certain terms that are used over and over again. Possessive. Yeah. Control.
Cock. Bottom. He commands her to do stuff. I've hit cock bottom. That's when you had the worst sex of your life. Giggle queen today.
Rekha, where are you gonna read it? I think I'm gonna give... I think I'm gonna give it a two.
Because I think some of the scenes were hot, but I have come to realize from reading the books we have, I am not into continuous sex scenes like one after the other after the other. And I hate all that Game of Thrones shit. So even the plot in between was not great for me. But the sex scenes were a little fun and I appreciated them, but I'm a little squandy about it.
Yeah. We need to find one again that is multiple different parties having sex that's peppered throughout. I think it's nice. Yeah. Where are you? I was into it. I'm gonna give it a three and a half. Yeah, it's the first. Yeah. I mean, it was adjacent enough to enough things that I liked. Everything was consensual. You know, I got to visit Midgardian the world, which was wonderful. What a nice little trip. Yeah.
Free vacation for Jess. Free vacation.
I would just love to be... Aspects of the books. Like, I like the Viking sex party. In my mind, the time that I get to spend in those little moments that maybe the book didn't get enough into. I thought it was a nice world, maybe not explored the way I would have. But that's why I have my own imagination.
Yeah.
Way better than I thought it was gonna be. I love hearing that. I thought it was gonna be utter trash garbage. Where?
Usually everybody is on the same page, but we are divided. We're pretty divided.
Yeah. Raph loved it. You pretty much loved it. Andrew and I are like, meh. Yeah, I mean, it was just... I kept having to remind myself that it wasn't written necessarily to be good. Right, yeah. It's like, be good story. I think it was.
That's where I think you're wrong. I think this person... Oh, if she wrote it to be good, she did a really piss-poor job.
No. Because it's not a good story. No, I'm sorry.
It's like, you were saying like, oh, you hate all that Game of Thrones shit in the plot. And so because of that, because you don't like that stuff, you didn't like it. But I do like that stuff, and that's also why I didn't like this book. Because the plot parts of it and the story parts are so fucking boring.
Now you know how I felt when I... This is like my Lord of the Rings when I opened it up. Like, look at the cover. She has a bow and arrow on the cover.
Never mentioned at all. Yeah. Yeah, there's really no fighting. Yeah. No, no fighting.
It's like, how do you take... Because it's about...
Vikings. It's a Vikings piece. Yeah. How do the Vikings live in peace time?
Yeah, but there's never a state of war. Not... Peace and your peace. Because it keeps... It's a concept. This is peace. This is not the slice of life you get with this book. You get the peace part, not the war. Oh, okay.
And if you have a problem with that, that's your problem. That's your problem. I guess it is my problem.
No. Yeah. Well, what's wrong with me that caused me to not like this book? Well, at least you get it. Oh, well, you read the description of the author. You shared it with me earlier. And I absolutely loved it. Yeah.
This is about Zoe York. Zoe York lives in London, Ontario with her young family.
She's currently chugging Americanos, wiping sticky fingers, and dreaming of heroes in and out of uniform. So we had the question of like, are they her kid's sticky fingers? Are they her sticky fingers?
And I think that's nice. Also, isn't that like a nice mystery? Fever-y thing. That's another way to call somebody a thief. Yeah. Sticky fingers. Oh, I think she's a klepto. Oh, I would love that. I'm wiping my sticky fingers. It's a polite way to be like, repenting for my theft in prison. Zoe York has that sticky glove like from Home Alone 2. Yeah. Shubs it into change jars.
Well, the military thing is interesting because there was also an undercurrent of it too that was a little bit like Democrat, Republican, military. Like, did anybody else get that vibe as they were reading it? I never thought that Rain was a Republican.
Yeah? No, but I got like the man in uniform like military vibe. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of that kind of stuff in there. Politics, bureaucracy. Are we wrapping up? Okay. Well, Rain, thank you for your service. Yes, thank you. Announced the next one. Yeah. Oh, yes.
Thank you for listening. If you are reading along with us, I know some of you are. We had some people in the chat talking about Phantom's Liaison, their love of turtle. They seem to like it so much more than we did. I'm glad. If you guys had different opinions, feel free to tell us. Also, our next book is recommended by someone in our Discord channel. So it's a great reason to subscribe to Dropout because you get to be a part of the book club.
It is from the Cutie Petudias. We will be reading Wet for Nessie. Oh, my God. Recommended by Cutie Petudias. I don't remember the author's name, and it's a little hard to find on Amazon. I Google searched it, and then it came up. There's an attractive young woman on the cover surrounded by greenery. We can post it in the Discord as well. Again, that's Wet for Nessie. Thank you so much, Cutie Petudias. I read a little bit of the description.
Three girls are on some type of vacation. They go to Scotland, as young girls do, to get wild, and they have sex with the Loch Ness Monster. They not only found her, they fucked her.
And I cannot wait. I'm very excited for this one. I'm Scottish, so it's gonna be very exciting for me to get back to my roots. So I won't relate to this. And we're so excited for it. Thank you so much for listening.
Yeah, have a great day. Have a sexy day. Sexy day. |
dropout | stressagains_the_restaurant_for_stress_eating | Hey buddy, you're working too hard. You should take a break. I don't know, man. Come on, are you hungry? No. Perfect.
We're going to Stressigans. Stressigans? Welcome to Stressigans, the first all-stress eating restaurant.
All right, what can I get you guys? Fucking whatever. Okay, great. I'll have the same. All right. Oh, any of this will do.
It's the kind of momentary distraction my mom used to make. How are you guys doing? I'm going to be honest with you. You know, I've been better. I'm kind of falling apart a little bit. My head is just getting away. It's like this is kind of helping, but I don't even know what I'm doing.
Great. Hey, do you mind if I join you? Get in here. This shit sounds crazy. Hey, should we get more? Maybe just one more thing. You said that five orders ago.
Ann Stressigans is the only restaurant that straight up invites you into the kitchen to just eat whatever the fuck you can find. Stare vacantly into our fridge to see if you can find the thing that will finally fill that empty part inside you. Hint, jalapeno poppers won't do it. Ha ha! But you'll eat them anyway!
So come on down to Stressigans and mindlessly shovel food into your gaping maw. You'll regret you ever did. Stressigans, eat yours.
I think I should get like milk just to... Oh, something creamy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got that. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_roe_v_wade_leaked_draft_opinion_vladimir_putin_to_undergo_cancer_surgery_snl | In an unprecedented move that could cause lasting damage to the Supreme Court, a draft opinion was leaked which indicates that they intend to overturn Roe V. Wade. So the court is usually careful, but they slipped up just this once and now they've got to live with it forever. sounds really unfair. The opinion was written by Justice Samuel Alito, and he bases his arguments on laws from the 1600s. So it's an outdated opinion from an angry 70-year-old. this shouldn't be a Supreme Court decision, it should just be a Facebook post. the opinion also seems like it was written in a weird conservative bubble. here's how you know. He quotes his own colleague Brett Kavanaugh six times. one for each beer in the pack. he even cites Kavanaugh on Civil Rights, which is like citing Amber. Heard on How To Make A Bed. Chief Justice John Roberts said that the leak was, quote, the work of One Bad Apple. One Bad Apple is also another legal argument used in Alito's opinion.
As a man, there's no way I can understand the full impact of this issue, but I asked a bunch of women around the office what their personal experience was with abortion. I got to admit, I learned a lot from the Hr meeting they made me go to as a result. But I do know this ruling will have a disproportionate effect on poor people. I mean, most Americans don't have access to the same resources that I do. I mean, the average person can't just text Lauren in the middle of the night and say, yo, it happened again. I just don't get why Republicans are so against this. I mean, maybe don't think of it as an abortion. think of it as a patriot storming the uterus to overturn the results of an unfair pregnancy.
I know you're excited. Former New York City Mayor and current Rumpel Stiltskin, Ruthie Two County, canceled an appearance before the January 6th committee at the last minute Friday after he was denied a request to record the interview. I assume on a loose Vcr flashing 12 o'clock.
There are also unconfirmed reports that Vladimir Putin will undergo cancer surgery. Wow, I never thought I'd say this, but hey, good luck, cancer. |
dropout | hardly_working_bane_mugs | Okay guys, we've got to comb through all these files and figure out who has been embezzling from the company. Right. Gosh. I'm so bored right now. Hahaha. Team.
I am Gotham's reckoning. I was born in the dark.
Why so serious? That's a joker. No it's not. Chief Ledger. Okay, no more joshing around.
Now is not the time for fear doctor. Now is the time for fear. Now is not the time for fear. Now is not the time for fear doctor. Now is not the time for fear.
I mean, once we organize the files. Then. You had my permission. To do bane impressions, but until then no's to the grindstone. Yes, seriously though I'm in charge and I say it's time to do some work.
Do you feel it Sarge. Because frankly I don't remember electing you later. I don't remember if I think we should.
Dada. Oh no. Oh that's my friggin car girls, my good ones. Come on. I know we're all a little testy. We've been cooped up in here all day. The fire is rising brother. Let's just sit back, relax, take a deep breath. Let the games begin! All my back!
Oh, it's so broken! It's extremely painful! I was wondering what would break first.
Don't spill it. Or our friggin concentration. Guys, we need to get this done!
Are you okay, Sam? What? It's Sam. Is everything okay in here?
I heard spine snapping. Oh, yeah, that was great. That was my spine. Yeah. Okay.
Did you figure out who was doing the embezzling? No. Well, no thanks to you. I figured it out on my own.
Yeah, you think this gives you power? Actually, Emily, can you help me out? I think this gives you power.
Ow! As for the rest of you, you wasted a whole day doing Bane impressions.
Are you going to fire us? No, I'm not going to fire you. Your punishment will be more severe! No! Actually, firing you is probably the worst thing I can do to you. And anyway, this isn't attached to anything, so yes, you are fired. Sorry for lying. |
cracked | how_the_x_men_wolverine_timeline_makes_no_sense | Hi, I'm Daniel Bryan.
This is long Tom Ryman, and we are going to use this time to understand the Wolverine Timeline the overall x-men overall timeline yeah, so we got the timeline if we assume everything is cannon Right that has ever been film every movie that came out is Consistent in the same universe yeah, we start with x-men origins Wolverine which is way in the past he goes through the Revolutionary War Yeah, that's true. Yeah, the beginning. He's like yeah World War two Vietnam War He's fights in a bunch of wars, and that's like the earliest. I guess the earliest thing we have is X-men apocalypse with apocalypse First mutant God in Egypt, and then there are no mutants for a while.
Yeah We're not gonna be mutants and then Wolverine comes around and he's a mutant My alarm And then 60s 70s and 80s. That's the first class days future past and present moments of Apocalypse yeah, then we have x-men the first x-men in 2000 or 2001 2000 2000 Thank you x2 x-men United x3 the last stand the Wolverine and then Logan And if you try to make sense of that timeline if you take all of that and continuity It doesn't work because there's like six gene grays in varying states of decay too many We got carried away with the gene grays I know we got to stop at some point the alternate timeline is the one where it's 60s x-men on through the Wolverine because the Wolverine ends and gene gray is dead and Wolverine has bone claws instead of metal claws, and then he gets sent back to the past in days of future past and that erases Gene grays death which means we erase definitely x3 because gene grays alive Cyclops is alive. Professor X is alive. Kelsey Grammer is beast again Singers like x3 last and sucked nothing about it is good Kelsey Grammer is a big beast we need It also means we erase the Wolverine because that's where bone claws happen Yeah, and he's still sad about dead gene gray in the world I mean after he and that can't be true, so no he wouldn't be reading this bull doesn't happen. Yeah, it's like it's it's like When Marty McFly goes back and fixes the pass But the problem is is that gene gray dies in x2 yes, so what Brian singer needed to do was Undo all the things he did yeah, and also some of x2 which he didn't and so Now there's no left with a timeline that doesn't make any sense. Yeah, and thanks a lot and then Logan here's So we're not gonna figure out the timeline But here's the thing that is deeply confusing to me about Logan because it takes place maybe five years after the end of days of future pasts Idyllic right future Patrick Stewart is alive Yeah So we have to assume that in the five years between the end of days of future past and Logan Patrick Stewart went senile Yeah, Patrick Stewart and Wolverine aged a thousand years. Yeah, and that's me. It's five years. That was really hard The hardest five years and it also in that time all mutants died Company made a bunch of mutant children from scratch birth in five years Yeah, I don't so like does the timeline work Cuz like Laura is like 10. Yeah, it doesn't work man, this is like This is a surprisingly Byzantine Timeline that we've created with these with these really silly movies. Yeah about magic people punching each other Just set your Logan movie in like I also 50 years like super in the future like what was the I guess cuz they wanted Patrick Stewart to still be in it But even then like we're still accepting in 2029 that Professor X is Still alive. Yeah, and we've established that Professor X was born in like the 40s, right? He's Earlier than or his vote he's 90 in 2029 Yeah around about yeah, I'm not gonna do math it's about that I'll look as if I am So it basically works Especially if you treat Logan like kind of more like a what-if.
Yeah, like what if this happens? Which I would be fine with yeah, like I mean kill everybody all the time. Yeah, sure I mean, it's the second time we've seen Professor X get killed not real I feel nothing when I watch Patrick Stewart die now make a movie now. That is as a what if what if dr Doom stole the power cosmic and just riding around on the silver surfer surfboard. Yeah, I'd watch that movie.
Maybe Wolverine We're in Cyclops. They kiss. Yeah Hey, you like stand-up come see the crack stand-up show It's happening March 23rd at meltdown comics in Los Angeles If you want to see amazing stand-up comedians including our own Tom Ryman go to nerd melt la.com slash tickets And if you want to see me without a shirt on your room |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_colin_jost_s_driver_cesar_perez_snl | Well, you know a lot of people ask me if they can be on update and do some comedy and I've always said no. we're a serious news program. Then last week I got drunk enough to say yes while being driven home from the after-party here to make his network debut. Is my driver, Cesar Perez? he's empty, right? Oh, you didn't have to say my home address. So Cesar, you wanted to try out some stand-up I have to call in.
I got the minor men. see a man. I just hope this crowd can handle it. I will see. Take it away.
All right. hey, we conduct a how are we? me too Man, I got a crazy familiar like my crazy nephew Carlitos. Mira kids obsessed with lizards. He's got nine of them and now he wants another one. A Carlitos. how about a set of ten lizards?
You get one girlfriend. I yeah, that's pretty good.
Cesar, I don't know. Man, I think that was kind of mean. can we edit that out? Oh, sorry Cesar. we're famously live. What? What kind of man says something like that about his nephew? I gotta apologize.
Colin Carlitos, I'm so proud of you meal. You get a girlfriend whenever you're ready. or a boyfriend or a lizard. You're gonna be a great dad one day, I love you so much. All right. That's really sweet Cesar, but I don't think you need to worry. you just have to trust your material, You know, you're right, Colin.
I just won't do nephew jokes. Okay. hey, so anyone here got a sister. I got a crazy sister look at her. she got purple hair. hey, what are you trying to do?
Land a day with the Nupa-lupa? That's the worst mistake. she's made since she gave birth to Carlitos. Wow, Cesar, I know I did it again and it's almost Easter. Jesus is gonna wake up in his cave and be so disappointed in me Carlitos, I'm so proud of you. your family doesn't care that you smell your head gear or that you name your lizards after the cast of sailing Sunset.
Please forgive me. All right. Well, you know, maybe maybe jokes aren't your thing, you know? or apologies. you're right.
I should just stick to impressions like the one in my abuelita. she's crazy. Oh, she's like I meet up. My skin is so wrinkled.
Why does Carlitos keep taking my lotion? Easy. Oh Carlitos. Listen, don't be embarrassed about the lotion. you're only stealing it to moisturize your lizards. It's gonna be okay. you can be a gross little nerd your whole life and still be successful. Just look at Colin Jones. |
CrackerMilk | you_have_to_see_his_new_haircut_crackermilk_podcast | but um what is it sir?
I just wanted to like it's uh hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the crack and milk podcast and today we are taking your comments and turning their suggestions into little fun uh podcast adventures for all of us to enjoy so if you want your idea or something fucked up for us to do leave a youtube comment everyone listening on spotify go over there and have a look at our pretty fucking faces look at that and what sort of emotion are you feeling uh sorry whoa what was that sorry nothing what did we play that back we just play that back yeah wow you just said you can't sorry i was just in the process of playing it back so so you you said you just did a bit of a calm when he did that face is that what you said that makes me feel uncomfortable can we just have a look at that face again all right let's do some suggestions hey babies let's um let's do a suggestion what suggestions what suggestions uh elias becomes a dictator of an island nation okay and that was sent in by bolter oh man guys elias invited us on this like really nice holiday he said he um is taking us to a resort he's kind of like a local hero i'm ready to chill out i'm here to unwind i'm here just here to have a good time too hey congratulations on um your new on the coup oh thank you yeah it went it went really really well i'm super proud absolute fucking goose i've just been reading that you may have had some contacts with the cia was that true i um i actually read that it was kia the car company kia k kia yeah he was he's working for the the small car company kia yeah can you confirm or deny was it the cia or the kia the car company guys i gotta be honest i am i'm not who everyone says i am hang on can i guess yeah guys i think he's a secret millionaire oh i reckon he's got ebola and he is scared to tell us i reckon this is all the cover for his ebola look i i will say connor is the closest i just wanted to know that i have something much worse oh um and it could be contagious i'm not entirely sure but um what is it sorry i just wanted to like i just wanted to um i just wanted to tell you guys for spotify leaving the hair on the sides and back if you're on spotify you're gonna want to go to youtube to see the rest of this one this is a surprise to all of us even the bottoms this is a surprise a genuine shock to everyone in this room relaxes we filmed the whole sketch today the last get this beanie on today and we were making jokes about the beanie having stuff under it how do they know i just want to give you in this context we got here today at 11 a.m it's now 3 24 p.m and lias has just revealed that oh my god oh my god dude uh clock and dip and it says camping with the family clock and dip okay kids come with me your mother oh bloody baby sister needs to be kicked in the head again i reckon baby sister that's not your baby sister that's your fucking aunt enough okay we understand you've got a drinking problem but you will get your alcohol when we get to the bar i cannot make you long island iced tea i don't know why you call long island iced teas binkies but it's very alarming because it's nice to suck on now you're fucking disgusting why does aunt jemima always say those things around the dinner table yeah i know it's the dinner table and we're camping and we're here with grandpa sam now we've come out for this camping trip with aunt jemima and uh and um and uh and graham and graham's our ten-year-old boy and we're here with grandpa sam yeah what's up boy yeah now grandpa sam is of course we all know he's it's his 87th uh today um 87th knee replacement that is so uh no it's his birthday did you call your mother a cunt did you no i will fucking punish you boy i'll take that nintendo switch and break it in half not my nintendo switch then you don't call your mother a cunt where are we mum oh well you know we've gone out camping okay so we've just taken ourselves out to iraq okay all right yeah just eight long hours yeah the climate out here is just sublime this time and the tickets are just to die so what just happened there i just nothing at all and so we're gonna come out right there man you had a bit too much to drink there not enough yeah i'm sure my mother said it right yeah i was a bit fucked ah jimima is a fucking loose unit now grandpa sam we've come out here for your 87th because we want to say we love you and we've all gotten you some gifts okay now touch me man i'm your daughter yeah right you can touch me thanks grandpa can i touch you granddad who the fuck are you kidding me that's your 10-year-old grandson graham oh right nah it doesn't spell uh now grandpa sam we've gotten you all gifts grandpa sam we've gotten your gifts for your uh for your 87th so um graham why don't you give him your first gift uh granddad yeah what i got yeah um we're at school i told the teacher i said hey mrs lindsey um my granddad's turning 87 and she nearly fell over because she's really old yeah and you pushed her a little bit didn't you yeah so what i've made um is a little christmas bauble that's sweet grandpa sam all right so it's got it's got two pictures there got a picture there so granddad this ball here this christmas ball has got a picture of you and a picture of me on it and we're both smiling and happy to be around each other um because i love you so much my granddad so i was hoping that you would really like this present grandpa sam what do you think of that are you trying to have have some fun at me or something man are you trying to pull my leg what you know what granddad you know i have no balls is this like is you trying to like replace my balls no no the granddad it's just a christmas thing man that's great you can't pull his leg it's his i'm not fucking on graham touching my leg grandpa sam is we're in a bit of a crisis now grandpa sam it's you're hanging on it was a miracle i was able to draw his haircut on the bauble it was a miracle the bauble it goes on the christmas tree he's made it for your tree it's got his name and your name and his photos on it mate it's really good oh sorry about that boys buddy can i have the ball ball yeah sure i'm gonna put that right on the you ever give me a ball ball again graham and i'm gonna grandpa sam's having sleep he's asleep oh do you guys reckon he's awake he's awake oh he's sleeping with his eyes open again all right grandpa mom do you reckon he liked it uh i'm gonna say no on that one graham i think you really you really screwed the pooch there i really shit the bed on that one yeah you really you really shit in your mother's mouth on that one it's time for your next uh gift mate from archer mama what did you get him mate dad you've given me so many healing words over the years so many healing words and i thought that i'd give you these beautiful healing crystals to replace the balls that you have lost and they're nice and heavy and they've been blessed by the monks on mount tibet in tibet don't say much you know what he's like he leans very trying to make a fool of me grandpa no grandpa i cut my balls off to be for a reason no grandpa was to try and get in with the monks but you know how they they treated me you've awoken a memory yeah we do there's no need to get upset look hey look uh jamai was just trying to be nice trying to give you something that you could put where your balls were these these crystals she's not trying to hurt your feelings were you a brave man for what you did when you cut your balls off screaming about how much you hate tibet i remember yeah it was pretty traumatic yeah it was very traumatic graphic yeah it was very graphic yeah i don't know i'm not sure why you did it at in front of me dinner yeah i had a bit of an episode didn't i i i made the you know they're blue as a right because you know to signify the blue balls that you constantly told us that mom gave you yeah i just thought it you know healing healing crystals yeah all right that's a 10-year-old thank you oh there you go oh how do they feel grandpa said they feel really cold are they too cold did you forget to put them in the microwave and warm them up did you forget to energize that blue azerite oh no because you know what happens if you put in cold blue azerite oh granddad's gone to sleep again the coldness of the blue azerite has made him go to sleep oh no he's up again he's awake again oh no he's asleep with his eyes open it's us grandpa sam it's your daughter me yeah get off me i know you fucking are me are you ready for your last gift yeah what did you get him sis well grandpa sam i got you something really special the da vinci code by dan brown and look inside be special i got it signed by tom hanks oh it's a stunt double that he used when he was voice acting for toy story mom you know how grandpa sam gets about stunt doubles you're trying to make me remember man what are you trying to make me remember i'm just trying to make you thinky you know what happened when i was reading da vinci code what happened grandpa sam you i went through an episode and i cut my balls off it was not fun mom you shouldn't you shouldn't make that memory you three uh just the worst you look like lobot from star wars thanks grandpa sam thanks grandpa thanks granddad fuck you all you're pinching to hasbro the last big christmas toy okay you guys are pitching the latest christmas toy to hasbro hello uh uh gentleman uh me i'm uh i'm here representing um mees mason moose moose toys and my assistant here debbie yes what's wrong with that uh that's the toy in there she's hiding it in my cleavage did you finish the toy mr hasbro has limited time do you know how many fucking sea monkeys he has to eat in a day to rejuvenate himself it is quite a lot i go through many and much of the stock how many do you eat a day let's just say that is personal business very excited to be here to have this opportunity to present you the toy go on hurry up what's the fucking toy we just got to convince them to give us an opportunity so we've got to flatter them go flatter them has bro has has has is pretty cool he's liking it okay well has is pretty cool name cool hair cool hair you're great let's just take a quick breather mr hasbro just one sec guys guys i love what you're coming out with i love the energy i love the fire the power the spirit like you can't whatever you do don't look at his hair don't bring up his hair don't bring up his sea monkeys do not bring up his diet don't bring up his exercise don't bring up what he does during the day don't bring up his sleeping pattern okay don't bring up his favorite netflix shows you can talk about stranger things but only season three it's the only one he'll watch okay these are the rules okay and i cannot i cannot make this clear i do not talk about his hair okay don't do it mr hasbro everything's fine everything is yeah yeah it's fine h dot h bomb you know we we knew that we had a time limit and you know it was a it was a close shape did you say hydrogen bomb did you say hydrogen bomb no no hydrogen bomb it's just a little fun riff but if you say things in university didn't say i'm sorry to interrupt you i don't mean to mansplain no that's fine i don't want to mansplain anything i don't so mansplaining is kind of like when a guy talks over a woman to explain something so mansplaining is kind of like when a guy condescends a woman when they're talking about something oh what do you do for work uh i'm actually here to you know create toys oh and you make toys i make i don't make toys i work in i work in marketing i really know anything about making toys so the thing about making toys yeah mr hasbro the ones for you are private okay we now we our product needs a bit of time and work okay but what we have today is a um a promise a promise a promise a promise to regrow regrow regrow from the scalp from from the ground up from the ground from the ground don't mind the way he's looking at me it's not it's not his eyes it's his head okay don't worry about oh we're gonna we're gonna shave off those uh bad those low price they're not trying to hurt your feelings they're just trying to make a bald decision to come to you with the opportunity of a lifetime okay and there's nothing you need to worry about okay these guys you don't need to have a hair in the world to be concerned with what these guys want to do for you it's going to be amazing amazing all right amazing it's smooth sailing from here on out okay smooth sailing let's put the emphasis on smooth dude i'm just being really hairless with my words that's all that's going on but i am really sorry okay bob bob bob bob bald head bald head out out get out i'm so sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry thanks for listening to another episode of the cracking milk podcast and remember that you we need your comments to make this happen so comment the stuff you want us to do and we will do it god damn episode yeah give us your prompts comment on youtube and make sure you can listen on spotify or itunes or apple music or whatever it is that you listen to i don't really know how it works we're gonna uh probably take this dog and um give it to me and probably give it to grandpa sam see ya mr hasbro who's who's this who's this mr hasbro this is my new assistant i've just fired the previous one what's something about your dad you mind if i hit my vape man no code right ahead son yeah what's something about your dad that he really likes that we can like latch onto without a pitch cat mr hasbro hitting a vape just a sick vape you know what just trying to be nice trying to give you something that you could put where your balls were these these crystals healing she's not trying to hurt your feelings were you a brave man for what you did when you cut your balls off screaming about how much you hate to bet i remember yeah it was pretty traumatic wasn't it yeah it was very traumatic graphic yeah it was very graphic here i don't know i'm not sure why you did it at sisla i made the you know they're blue as a right because you know to signify the blue balls that you constantly told us that mum gave you i just thought it you know healing healing crystals yeah all right that's a 10-year-old thank you oh there you go how do they feel grandpa said they feel really cold are they too cold did you forget to put them in the microwave and warm them up did you forget to energize that blue azerite oh no because you know what happens if you put in cold the blue azerite sorry oh granddad's gone to sleep again the coldness of the blue azerite has made him go to sleep he's awake again oh no he's asleep with his eyes open me it's our it's us grandpa sam it's your daughter me yeah get off me i know you fucking are man get off me are you ready for your last gift yeah what did you get him sis well grandpa sam i got you something really special the da vinci code by dan brown and inside be special i got signed by tom hanks it's a stunt double that he used when he was voice acting for toy story mom you know how grandpa sam gets about stunt doubles you're trying to make me remember man what are you trying to make me remember i'm just trying to make you a vinci you know what happened when i was reading da vinci code what happened grandpa sam you i went through an episode and i cut my balls off the syslock it was not fun mom you shouldn't you shouldn't read that back that memory you three uh just the worst you look like lobot from star wars thanks grandpa sam thanks grandpa thanks granddad fuck you all you're pinching to hasbro the last big christmas toy okay you guys are pitching the latest christmas toy to hasbro hello uh uh gentleman uh me i'm uh i'm here representing um mees mason moose moose toys and my assistant here debbie yes what's wrong with that uh that's the toy in there she's hiding it in my cleavage did you finish the toy mr hasbro has limited time do you know how many fucking sea monkeys he has to eat in a day to rejuvenate himself it is quite a lot i go through many and much of the stock how many do you eat a day let's just say that is personal business very excited to be here to have this opportunity to present you the toy go on hurry up what's the fucking toy we just got to convince them to give us another chance we've got to flatter them we're flattered them has bro has has this hey has is pretty cool okay well has is pretty cool hair let's just take a quick breather mr hasbro just one sec guys guys i love what you're coming out with i love the energy i love the fire the power the spirit like you can't whatever you do don't look at his hair don't bring up his hair don't bring up his sea monkeys do not bring up his diet don't bring up his exercise don't bring up what he does during the day don't bring up his sleeping pattern okay don't bring up his favorite netflix shows you can talk about stranger things but only season three is the only one he'll watch okay these are the rules okay and i cannot i cannot make this clear art do not talk about his hair okay don't do it mr hasbro everything's fine everything is yeah yeah it's fine h dot h bomb hydrogen bomb you know we we knew that we had a time limit and you know it was a it was a close shape did you say hydrogen bomb did you say hydrogen bomb no no hydrogen bomb it's just a little fun riff but if you say things in your she didn't say i'm sorry to interrupt you i don't mean to mansplain no that's fine i don't want to mansplain anything i don't understand anything is kind of like when a guy talks over a woman to explain something um so mansplaining is kind of like when a guy condescends a woman when they're talking about something oh what do you do for work uh i'm actually here to you know create toys oh and you make toys i make i don't make toys i work in i work in marketing i don't really know anything about toys so the thing about making toys yeah mr hasbro the ones for you are private okay we now we our product needs a bit of time and work okay but what we have today is a um a promise a promise a promise a promise to regrow regrow regrow from the scalp from from the ground up from the ground from the ground i don't like the way he's looking at me it's not it's not his eyes it's his head okay don't worry about oh we're gonna we're gonna shave off those uh bad those low prices they're not trying to hurt your feelings they're just trying to make a bold decision to come to you with the opportunity of a lifetime okay and there's nothing you need to worry about okay these guys you don't need to have a hair in the world to be concerned with what these guys want to do for you it's going to be amazing amazing all right amazing it's smooth sailing from here on out okay smooth sailing let's put the emphasis on smooth dude i'm just being really hairless with my words that's all that's going on but i am really sorry okay bob bob bob bob bald head bald head out out get out i'm so sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry thanks for listening to another episode of the cracking milk podcast and remember that we need your comments to make this happen so comment the stuff you want us to do and we will do it god damn this is a good episode yeah give us your prompts comment on youtube and make sure you can listen on spotify or itunes or apple music or whatever it is that you listen to i don't really know how it works we're gonna uh probably take this dog and um give it to me and probably give it to grandpa sam see ya mr hasbro who's who's this who's this mr has my new assistant i've just fired the previous one what's something about your dad you mind if i hit my vape man no go right ahead son yeah what's something about your dad that he really likes that we can like latch on to with our pitch cat mr hasbro hitting a vape just a sick vape you know what |
SaturdayNightLive | m3gan_2_0_snl | America has a new obsession, and her name is Megan. designed to be a little girl's best friend. don't worry, Katie. everything is going to be okay. Do you want to dance with me? And protect her at any cost. I won't let anything harm you.
Megan is a box office powerhouse, but she has captivated one demographic above all. gay men. Megan is a gay icon. she's the definition of gay. Megan's plastic foot is on my neck. from that, we're slapping together a sequel, which promises to be even more gay.
Hi, I'm Megan. I'm your best friend, you damn bitch. it's Megan 2.0.
Go on! work it out, Mother! Strap in, Hunty.
Annabelle could never.
Go, Megan! I signed up for a 7 A.m. Shania Twain spin class. I should really go home. should you go home? Or should we go to the drag show at Motherlode and get high off poppers? Okay, the Queen has spoken. critics are saying Megan slays literally.
And it's like Rose, but for gays. You want a new dance you can do on Tiktok? Well, then gag on this. it's the duels literally giving me life. Well, you know, I have to turn out for my little homos. But seriously, you guys are little homos. See, you can say it. If there's one thing gay men love, it's unhinged plastic women.
I'm bored. drive me home. Megan, you messy ho. I'm obsessed with you. Everyone Stop. Get away from her. she is not your friend. she's a killer, and she will kill you.
Oh, my God. are you from the show, girls? Yeah. Oh, yeah, you had your butt eaten. that's so cool. it is? Yes, join us. really? even though I'm straight? mama, if you're getting your ass ate on Tv, you're an ally, sis. Megan, you're a pair of the club's speakers, right? play some music. I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose. No, Megan, real music. Okay, you hungry slacks? Megan 2.0, this one's for the gays. |
dropout | getting_caught_masturbating_in_the_future | Brandon? Dinner's ready. Did you hear me, sweetie? Brandon? Oh, yeah. Brandon?
Mom, what are you doing? I'm not doing anything. What's close the door? I'm not, what are you doing? Why are you in here? This is my room. You can't be in here, Mom. I'm just, I'm just not even, I'm not doing anything.
I wasn't, it's not even what it looks like. It's not what you think it is. I'm just, I was doing a project for school. Yeah, like a school project. Like, I just wouldn't even, I wouldn't even worry about this because it's definitely not, not a thing.
I was just talking to Mark. I was just chatting, just chatting with Mark and I think it got a virus or something because it doesn't usually do this. Initiating sex experience. Our user, Brandon. Are you ready to play?
Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it. I, I wouldn't worry.
This is not, okay. Sex experience fail. No points awarded. It's not, it's not even a thing.
I, I'm just, I was just doing some research. I was doing a rehearsing. I was rehearsing. I was rehearsing for the school play. I was, I have, I have a big role.
We open on Tuesday and I wouldn't, look, you just don't have to worry about this, Mom. Just please, I'll get dinner later. I'm just not, I'm just hanging out.
I was doing some research. I was reading the news. I was, I was playing a video game.
I don't know what that is. See you later. |
cracked | 4_live_action_anime_films_that_did_one_thing_better_than_the_original_anime_canonball | The phrase, American live-action remake of an anime, has basically become universal shorthand for one of the greatest sins ever committed against cinema. It's honestly a miracle that Japan even still talks to the US after we took some of their most beloved animated properties, bludgeoned them to death, and then puppeteered their lifeless corpses to re-enact plots so feted and so loosely based on the original, you'd swear they were written in diarrhea instead of ink. Let's pinch these tons off! That might be a bit harsh, but there honestly might not be a single good live-action anime remake in all of Hollywood's history, but that doesn't mean that there isn't some good in them. And in this episode, we're taking a look at the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievably American takes on Japanese animation, and the little things that, against all odds, they managed to get right. We're talking fleshing out one-note characters, capturing the spirit of the original show in big, brand new ways, and coming this close to actually having meaningful commentary about a serious societal problem plaguing America.
My brain hurts when I think too much.
This is cannonball. Number four, Speed Racer. There was a lot of confusion when the Wachowskis announced that their first post-Matrix return to directing was going to be Speed Racer, despite Neo's story still not being concluded. In an artificial computer world, where anything is possible, how is it that we never saw Keanu Reeves ride into battle on a dragon made out of dynamite? Lana, Lily, the rights to Matrix, Dragomite are still very much up for sale. Anyway, after writing and directing action movies about slow-mo bullets, followed by writing an action movie about slow-mo knives, it just seemed weird for the two directors to take on Speed Racer, a Japanese show from the 1960s about car racing. That was like the opposite of slow-mo. I mean, it's got Speed right there in the name.
That was also the name of the main character because his parents hated him. The show actually introduced a whole generation of people to anime, while its 2008 live-action adaptation introduced people to hating American remakes of anime. The animated series was beautifully simple.
Speed, who I guess was named after the substance his parents were on when they named him, is basically the human Sonic the Hedgehog, mostly blue and constantly wants to go fast. But the Wachowskis version introduced a bunch of weird and convoluted subplots about stock prices, market manipulation, and the business side of racing. Also, rather than a live-action film about real cars, Speed Racer more resembled a video game. Think Mario Kart's Rainbow Road, if Mario hated people with epilepsy.
But here's the thing about that. Go back and rewatch any part of the original Speed Racer anime, and you'll think there's something wrong with your Wi-Fi because of how choppy and slow it is. When you were a kid, the show might have looked like staring into the eyes of God as he told you that you were his favorite human, but the animation just doesn't hold up. It's like one step above flipbook quality.
Where am I? I don't remember a thing.
The live-action movie, on the other hand, attempts to recreate the feeling of traveling at breakneck velocities from the point of view of the goddamn flash. That's why watching it feels like someone shooting off fireworks into your face at a warehouse rave. The movie wants you to feel what a professional razor feels, razor-sharp focus that makes the colors of the world seem more vivid, while also blending them and everything outside your car into a chaos rainbow. The cars and the sets look unrealistic because you're seeing them through the eyes of people who are sexually stimulated by ships in Star Wars jumping into hyperspace. Now the gloves are off and they're pounding one another.
So in the end, the Wachowskis might not have given us anything that looked like Speed Racer, but definitely something that resembled what they felt when watching the show. You can accuse the Speed Racer film of a lot of things, but not that it was half-assed. Even the biggest cynics can see that it came from a place of love, from people who were genuine fans of the source material. That's actually where all the business subplots start making a lot of sense. In the movie, Speed must ultimately forget about things like money and sponsorships, and do the big final race for the sheer love of the sport, the way he wants to do it. And that's basically how the Wachowskis approached making the movie, doing things their way, even if it meant totally flopping at the box office. Hell, the movie is basically a meta-documentary about the making of itself, in addition to being a love letter to the joy of creation. And of course, recreating the feeling of drinking coffee, brewed with piping hot red bowl, and sweetened with amphetamines. It may not be what you wanted, but no other movie out there offers you something like that.
Number three, Dragon Ball Evolution. Dragon Ball is one of the most popular anime in the west, but no one's saying the series didn't require industrial strength hooks powerful enough to raise the titanic to suspend the audience's disbelief. Dragon Ball tells the story of Goku, a half feral child with a monkey's tail, named after a god from a 16th century Chinese epic, who's actually an alien from a race of people all named after vegetables, and who pals around with a slug alien named after a flute whose dad he killed. I mean, he killed the slug alien's dad, not the flute's dad. Should go without saying, but we are talking about the same series that featured a gangster rabbit who turned people into carrots and ended up trapped on the moon after Goku used his magic extending stick to put him there. The anime made that work somehow. I suspect human sacrifices to some dark deities were involved. But obviously, any live-action adaptation of Dragon Ball would need to change up a few things to make it palatable. 2009's Dragon Ball Evolution definitely got that memo.
Or specifically, just the word change. In retrospect, it should have been obvious that the movie wasn't going to be faithful to the original when they couldn't even get the title right. Dragon Ball is supposed to be two words. You know, like screw you or eat shit. You know, the film's attitude towards fans of the franchise.
The movie starred Justin Chatwin, the man with the whitest face and name in history, as Goku. Instead of a lovable hermit child, he was a horny high school student trying to get laid. Oh, and he's also snarky, which let the record show I'm pronouncing with triple quotation marks. The original Goku was an honest soul, as dumb as the rocks he chucked at trees for entertainment. My favorite hobbies are reading and sports. Chatwin's Goku, on the other hand, is channeling a bargain version of Spider-Man in his performance.
Well, my grandfather would say beware of the Nimics. Nimics? Yeah, they're an alien race that nearly destroyed Earth over 2,000 years ago.
He turns the live-action Dragon Ball into a run-of-the-mill, chosen-one team superhero movie, where the iconic Kamehameha attack was reduced to airbending. And while Chow Yun-fat as Master Roshi was a lot of fun, I am Buten Roshi! My grandfather is dead. He wasn't enough to save a movie that didn't have the Dragon Balls to even attempt to make the original material work. Still, can we admit the original Dragon Ball also had its problems?
Like Goku's wife, Chi-Chi? This isn't even about the fact that when the two first met, Chi-Chi was like 10 years old. And running around in a bikini so skimpy it would make the producers of Toddlers and Tiaras blush. The bigger problem with the character is that she's more one-dimensional than Skylar White. When Chi-Chi grows up, she doesn't actually grow up. Her entire personality remains wanting to marry Goku, just like when she was a kid. That's why she trained herself in martial arts, so she could meet him at a tournament and ask why he never came back to marry her. At that point, she becomes your stock Tiger Mom character to Gohan and Goten. The live-action movie doesn't exactly break any new ground with their Chi-Chi, played by Jamie Chung, but it at least gives her a personality.
She just really enjoys kicking ass. She doesn't have a tragic backstory. She doesn't fight to prove that women can fight too. She just likes the feeling of performing unlicensed dentistry and kidney massages with her feet. Her general philosophy is kick now, ask one question, and just continue kicking and punching.
If that sounds familiar, it's because that's kind of the personality of the anime Goku. For whatever reason, the live-action film took his shtick and stuck it into Chi-Chi. This, of course, doesn't save the film from being the cinematic equivalent of your inner child getting beat up by a crazed man in a leather-faced style Goku skin mask.
Speed Racer and Dragon Ball might have made whole generations of people into fans of anime, but it was Ghost in the Shell that made them smug about it. To this day, the 1995 Cyberpunk film is often cited as one of the best, most highbrow examples of not just anime, but all of cinema, and it's not totally unwarranted. Ghost in the Shell deals with some heavy themes, like the nature of consciousness and sentience, the fundamental disconnect between mind and body in a cybernetic future, and the link between perception and reality. Many films since then have tackled similar subjects, but few have come up with anything as engrossing as the original Ghost in the Shell anime. According to many, that very much includes the 2017 Ghost in the Shell live-action adaptation. That film brought joy to countless people around the world by allowing them to joke about Scarlett Johansson being Asian. The protagonist of the original Ghost in the Shell anime is Major Motoko Kusanagi.
He's the field leader of an anti-cybercrime law enforcement unit.
In the American remake, that role is filled by Johansson's character, Major Mira Killian, only not really. By the end of the movie, it turns out that Killian actually used to be a Japanese woman named Motoko Kusanagi, whose brain and consciousness, or Ghost if you will, were transplanted into a fully cybernetic, decidedly Caucasian body, or shell.
I also have shoes and a face, so... This resulted in what some have deemed racial insensitivity, or even digital yellow face. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. The only thing that makes money on the internet today, besides porn, is outrage. Now Jordan won't let me make porn, but he can't stop me from mispronouncing Japanese food names.
The casting of Scarlett Johansson instead of an Asian actress naturally ticked off a ton of people. And I'm an NYU film school graduate, you mystical mediocre nothing sucker! But you know who wasn't among them?
The anime film's director, Mamoru Oshii.
In an interview with IGN, he said, quote, The major is a cyborg, and her physical form is an entirely assumed one. Her name and her current body are not her original name and body, so there is no basis for saying that an Asian actress must portray her. Major Macho, why don't you stop trying to look female on the outside and switch over to a male chassis already.
True, this was only a small part of the 1995 anime film, whose themes were much more complex than the Hollywood remake. But the parts of the original story it did focus on were given proper attention. The American remake is probably best summarized by its water fight scene. As in, yeah, it wasn't super deep, but for what it tried to accomplish, it definitely put in the effort. For all its faults, the live-action film looks beautiful. It's like a more dystopian version of the world we live in, with its massive holographic billboards that make cities look like futuristic 3D Monopoly boards. The movie also fleshed out a few kick-ass characters, like Batteau, one of the major's operatives with cyberdantic eyes. In the anime, he does contribute to the plot, but we never really get to know what kind of person he is. In comparison, the live-action version, played by... played by Pilou Asbeck, gets one or two scenes that humanize him. He loves stray dogs, for example. Again, not super deep, but it's more than the anime gave us. And before you start emailing or note tied to brick hurled through windowing me, let's clarify. The anime is still obviously the superior product. That being said, there are a few tiny areas where the live-action film got its message across a little bit better.
I'm outside! That doesn't even make any sense!
Number one, Death Note.
Good news, the 90s are back. Well, not in the form of somewhat affordable rent. Or a world without Facebook. No such luck there. Unfortunately, the only way the 1990s are returning is in the form of...
Twin Movies. A lot of you may not remember it, but for a while, we used to get back-to-back blockbusters with weirdly similar stories and themes. Armageddon and Deep Impact, Tombstone and Wyatt Earp, Ants and A Bug's Life. And yeah, I put the better movies first in each of those.
It looks like we'll soon be getting two simultaneous live-action American takes on the popular manga and anime, Death Note. It's the story of the psychopathic light Yagami, using a magical notebook that kills people when you write their names in it. It's being adapted for Netflix by the Duffer brothers, the guys behind Stranger Things, and as a sequel to the massively panned live-action Death Note film by Adam Wingard. The 2017 American take on Death Note is often described as the absolute worst anime adaptation ever made. The draw of the original Death Note was the genius Light trying to reshape the world in his own twisted image, while being caught in a psychological game of cat and mouse with Elle, the world's greatest detective. Through this, the manga and anime explored some thought-provoking questions about the idea of justice, all of which were apparently written down in the titular Death Note because they were all dead in the 2017 movie. In the American Death Note, Light Turner, played by Nat Wolf, is a sad, bullied loser whom the movie describes as bright, but never actually shows it.
He poses absolutely no threat to the film's Elle, played by Lakeith Stanfield, making his very presence in the movie kind of unnecessary. The film's biggest problem is that it can't quite bring itself to make Light a totally bad guy. He's the protagonist, so the film makes constant excuses for him killing criminals, hinting at how he's naive and misguided, but has a good heart. He's ultimately a victim of the show's real villains, Margaret Qualley's kill-happy Mia, who eggs him on, and Willem Dafoe's Ryuk, a god of death and the original owner of the Death Note. Obviously, that was all a huge, cowardly cop-out, but it's also what could have given the movie its own American identity. All the building blocks for making the American Death Note a good, or at least an interesting movie, were all there. They were just put together in the shape of a giant middle finger, instead of a story about online radicalization. Nat Wolf's Light will seem very familiar to many American audiences. He's the kid who thinks that, just because he's read a few books and gets bullied, that automatically makes him the good guy. He constantly mistakes his lack of power and unfulfillment for clarity of mind and purpose, telling himself that he's only killing people for the greater good. Sure, Light is radicalized by manipulative psychopaths, but he ultimately agrees with them, because deep down he's just a cruel, evil person. But that kind of portrayal never actually happens in the movie, and would admittedly need a lot of skillful writing to not become a carnival of poor taste.
But if pulled off successfully, it would have made the American Death Note a truly American Death Note. Maybe the Duffer Brothers will pull that off. But if you want a live-action Death Note film that is precisely watchable, there are four Japanese live-action Death Notes for you to catch up on.
Stop crying. It won't do any good. And anyway, you have a lot of work to do.
Hey, thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Jump in the comments and let us know which anime characters you'd like an unlicensed clip massage from. |
SaturdayNightLive | jingle_pitch_snl | All Right Troops, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
Since breaking off from Donald's Donald's Dominguez to form Donald's and Dominguez, we have not landed a single new client.
You know why? that is? No, not really.
It's because Donald's Donald's Dominguez had a phone number that was easy to remember and everybody in town knows their famous phone number.
Drinkle. That's right. we don't have that. Mitchell.
Remind everyone of our number. Our number is: 1, 6, 7, 2, 5, 5, 5, 0, 1, 3, 6. What we need is to turn that number into a super catchy jingle. But Serena, there's no way to create a catchy jingle with a number like that. that's where you're wrong.
My fellow partners last Tuesday, Mitchell and I were at Luciano's and yeah, I was drinking. No, I was getting tanked. Mitchell got tanked at Luciano's But then this band got up on the stage and sang the catchiest pop funk hooks. I had ever heard.
Come on in guys, hey there. Hello lawyers. we are Soul Booth. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Soul Booth and they're here to save us.
Worked out a few demos for y'all. Yeah, we heard you needed a pop funk hook that'll stick on the mind like grapevine.
Oh who you gonna call? Who you gonna call?
Tell them and I don't think that that's gonna work for us. Uh-huh. and why is that? it just doesn't sound like what we heard at Luciano's. Oh, you want that Luciano's sound? Yeah, you want it looched. Yes. this track should make me feel like I'm understood loud and clear crystal.
Yeah, and the number should be closer together. Yeah, I think the number should be much closer together.
Uh-huh. So maybe something like this? All right guys. Come on, that's totally wrong.
Are you call that a looched up track? I should feel five daiquiris deep post it up at the looch right now. what is so hard about that? What is so hard about writing a jingle that feels like I'm getting dacked down in the back of the looch? Ricky's about to cut me off, but then that bar back with the glasses looking like Mayim Bialik about to make me act up.
And can you do that? Yes, Ma'am. can do. Okay, yeah, and the numbers should be presented somewhat like a phone number. or just anywhere near. That would be great. I think we might have just the thing. absolutely. let's take a trip, y'all. everybody, I want to take you somewhere. somewhere where there is no race, no religion, a little place we call home. But you may know, as Luciano's.
Here we go! here we go! 16,725,550,136. one more time. that feels so good. 16,725,550,136.
So, what do you think? Mitchell, did they do it? Is it Loochie?
Serena, not only can I now perfectly recall the phone number of our law office, but more importantly, I feel absolutely ass out, dacked down, and loosed up. My only question is, how much? $10,000. less. 40 each. Deal. everybody! 16,700. everybody, my husband, my husband, my husband, my husband.
We act up! what's so hard about that? And can you do that? Yes, ma'am. can do.
Yeah, and the number should be presented somewhat like a phone number. or just anywhere near. that would be great. I think we might have just the thing. Absolutely. let's take a trip, y'all. Everybody, I want to take you somewhere. somewhere where there is no race, no religion, a little place we call home. but you may know, as Luciano's.
Here we are! here we are! 16,700,225,550,136. one more time. that feels so good. 16,725,550,136.
So, what do you think? Mitchell, did they do it? is it Lucie? Serena, not only can I now perfectly recall the phone number of our law office, but more importantly, I feel absolutely. ass out! .dacked down and loosed up!
My only question is, how much? $10,000. less. 40 each. Deal. everybody! 16,700, 295,550, |
dropout | the_real_reason_taxes_suck_and_why_they_don_t_have_to_adam_ruins_everything | What's that you were saying about how taxes could be easy? Well, think about it. Taxes are a bill the government charges you. So why do you have to do all the math? Imagine if we did that with any other bill.
How much do I owe you? You tell me. Divide number of toppings by cheese consumption? $12?
Rock. Now you're going to jail. Bogus.
Instead of making you fill out a complicated return, why doesn't the government just tell you how much you owe? Well, because they need to know my income. I'd interest on my savings, all the numbers that are on those forms. News flash, they already do. Employers, banks, and other financial institutions already send detailed records to the IRS. OK, we just got Hank's W-2s and 1099s. I could calculate his tax bill myself. Nah, I'll just wait quietly while he sends me the exact same information. The government could quite literally do your taxes for you. It's an idea called return-free filing. Instead of the government checking your work, you'd check theirs. And it would make taxes look more like this. Ooh, honey, our taxes came. Just need to deduct that work trip to Toledo, and we're done.
Hey, think we have time for some wild bedpost rattling sex? Why not? Are April's wide open?
Return-free filing is already used by countries around the world and could allow millions of Americans like you to do your taxes for free in just five minutes. Yeah, well, those bozos in Washington would never go for an idea that makes that much sense. Actually, return-free filing bills are introduced in Congress all the time, and both Barack Obama and Ronald Reagan pushed for it.
Yes, we can. Tear down this wall of paperwork. Wow, that must be the only thing those guys would agree on. OK, I'm sold. Give me return-free filing. Sorry.
The makers of tax software, like TurboTax and H&R Block, spend a buttload of money to make sure it never happens. Tax software industry. You play us to make your taxes easier, so we pay lobbyists to make sure they stay complicated. Citizens, we feel your pain. Filing your taxes is just too darn fun.
Everything's great. We're changing nothing.
These calculating companies have lobbied to kill multiple return-free filing bills over the past decade. And they're using my money to do it?
Well, that's shameless. And it gets worse. This is Jessica Huseman, a reporter at ProPublica who's covered this story.
The tax prep industry actually created a front group called the Free File Alliance that lets you file your taxes for free. It's supposed to be available to 2 thirds of the tax-paying public, but almost no one uses it. That's because the system is confusing. The IRS doesn't market it. The tax companies have no incentive to push it themselves.
But I want return-free filing, like you're talking about. Well, here's the worst part. The tax industry negotiated an exclusive deal that prevents the federal government from offering return-free filing, or any free system of tax filing, so long as the Free File Alliance exists. So you're saying the government could be doing my taxes for me, for free. But TurboTax and H&R Block are working like crazy to stop that from happening? Exactly. Instead, you're stuck doing your taxes yourself with this guy.
Get ready to spend all your Aprils with me. |
dropout | unsexy_naked_time_music_video | We've been going out for a while We've been going out in style But I can't wait to get you home And take off all your clothes And just not do shit I wanna get naked for the hell of it Let's lose my shirt, your skirt And air our genitals out I wanna get you naked and order kung pao It's unsexy naked time Looks so wrong but feels so right It's the end of the week, let your sweaty ass breathe I'm down on all fours and your socks while I clean Tonight I'm gonna pick your lint Tonight I'm gonna pack your zits While we're watching House of Cards and Veronica Mars I wanna honk your tits I can make a wristwatch, give your dick Bodies are dumb, it's fun My mother never needs to know I'm only dressed in flesh When we talk on the phone Hey mom Hi Mrs. Axford On sexy naked time I feel so close to you tonight I love you the most when we're free to be gross Now watch I can get the wrong boat with my toes But show me what you can do Girl show me what you can do This intimacy just you and me and all our neighbors Unsexy naked time Burn the bras and the whiteys so tight Relationships not built on sex It's built on hours of making Netflix I'm Emily from CollegeHumor, did you like that video?
Cool! |
cracked | week_in_douchebaggery_yahoo_microsoft_movies_news_2_1_08 | It's Friday, February 1st, 2008, and this is...wait a second...is it really February already? Yes. Yes, it is. Anyway, it is Friday, February 1st, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked.
I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm going to get you drunk, get you love drunk, off my hump. Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced that he is officially endorsing John McCain for president, putting an end to earlier speculation that this was just a rumor. Mr. Schwarzenegger, quote, it's not the rumor, a rumor.
We know you're waiting for the weekend news battery, ladies and gentlemen, but first, we paid a guy to do this, so we better show it. Dan? Thanks, Lex. I'm Dan O'Brien, letting you know what you can expect from the movie theaters for the month of February.
First, we have the eye. Jessica Alba stars as a blind girl who receives an eye transplant, and suddenly can see all of the visions and memories of the former owner of the eyes, which apparently includes monsters or ghosts or something. Some shit. Anyway, take that, science.
Next, we have Over Her Dead Body. Ava Longoria Parker, as a ghost, haunts her former boyfriend, Paul Rudd, as he tries to move on with his life and date someone new. It's just like heaven meets who gives a shit. Moving on, we have Witless Protection. In Witless Protection, Larry the Cable Guy stars as a sheriff who stumbles upon a witness played by Jenny McCarthy, and the two of them have--I only want to keep talking about this.
This movie is going to blow. Finally, we have The Hottie and the Naughty. Nate, played by Joel David Moore from Dodgeball, travels to L.A. in search of Christabel, his dream girl, played by Paris Hilton. When he gets there, he finds out she has an ugly best friend, and then--is that--that's it. That's the entire--that's the whole premise of the movie. Okay. Great. Well, in a move that most thought to be impossible, Paris Hilton will appear in a movie wherein she will suck more dick than she did in her film debut.
On the bright side, I just saved $11 on car insurance by switching to Geico. Douchebag number two, the weather. Another storm dumped several inches of snow over most of the Midwest this week, causing more rush hour traffic, delayed flights, and deadly car accidents. But the good news is, snow angels are up this year.
And finally, douchebag number one, Microsoft. The company made an unsolicited $44.6 billion cash in stock offer for Yahoo earlier today. That's more than 44.6 billion times as much as they offered to pay me to do the news on Microsoft. In fact, that's roughly one dollar for each section that Yahoo links to from their main homepage. In fact, that's roughly one dollar for every dollar Bill Gates wouldn't bother picking up if he dropped it.
It's enough scratch to merit the top position on this week's Week in Douchebaggery. That's it for today's edition of the News On Cracked. Check back with us on Monday for a special prize inside. It's a sticker. |
dropout | the_real_game_genie | Well Summer, I am now your slave, and must grant you your wishes three. Game Genie, I remember this. I assure you, this is no game, a fantasy land of infinite possibilities awaits you. Unlimited money. Oh, a very wise choice. Or is it, for with great power comes great responsibility. In Mario, sorry, unlimited money in Mario, coins or whatever.
So I'm gonna wave my arm, and then your wish is granted. So last chance. Yep, do it. It is done. Awesome! Two wishes left! And please, don't confide yourself. Let your wildest desires take physical form in front of your very eyes. Every level is a night level. Are you serious? That's not even advantageous within the game. I know. Okay, so I think you should know you can't take these wishes back. Unless of course, that is your next wish. It's not. One wish left! And this is no fairytale. You can wish for all wishes. That's fair game.
And I can. And I have. And I will kill somebody.
So I want you to access your most hedonistic fashions and allow- Every question box is a beanstalk. I was in that lamp for a million Earth Eternities and maybe I'm not being abundantly clear. No, I feel like I'm not being clear. I want you to make every question box a beanstalk.
Is this done?
Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh! |
Wizards_with_Guns | why_did_they_delete_this_scene_from_breaking_bad | 14 new messages. Jesse. There was a small mishap at the lab. I tore my suit and I think I might have inhaled some of the product. I locked all the shit absolutely blasted on meth. So call me back. Jesse. I've been running some tests on the meth to make sure it's pure.
Jesse, someone keeps knocking on the door. I keep hearing this knocking sound. I- Oh. I am the one who has been doing the knock- Jesse, I swear to fucking God, I just saw Bill Burr. He was asleep on my money pile. Call me back. Oh shit, Jesse.
I ordered a pizza to the secret lab. Don't tell Gus, but I told the pizza boy exactly how to get in. I don't know what to do. Pizza for Heisenberg? I have to kill him, Jesse. And then I have to eat the pizza.
Have you ever noticed Mike never uses the bathroom?
What is that? Why is that?
He's an old man, Jesse. He should be going all the time. Anyway, call me back. The lab's on fire. Have you ever seen Malcolm in the Middle, Jesse? God, this show is hilarious. Dewey's my favorite character. He looks like a little monkey. Jesse, it's Mike. He got a handle, Walt.
He keeps calling me about Bionicle's lore. And I'm sick of it. Handle it, or there will be consequences. Have you ever played Minecraft, Jesse? This game is so relaxing. I've been digging straight down for hours. I have so much more, I can't...
Jesse! Oh, God! Oh, Jesus, Jesse!
I survived. I only have half a heart, but maybe if I... Jesse, I know how to kill Gus. Hey, Jesse. You might have gotten a few calls from me last night. Those were just butt dials, so you can delete them. Anyway, come to the lab as soon as possible. I need help dissolving a pizza boy. |
TheOnion | How_To_Get_A_Guy_To_Notice_You_While_You_re_Having_Sex_With_Him | Who right now? Ladies, have you ever had this problem? You're into a fella, but you feel like you just aren't catching his eye. Well, don't worry. Relationship guru Rebecca Rachel is here to tell us how to get the attention of a man while you're having sex with him. Good morning, Rebecca. Hi, guys. Well, we've all been there, right? You have a crush on a guy, he's thrusting his erection in you, but you're laying there wondering, does he even know I exist? Definitely, what do we do?
Well, you have to make him notice you. Don't just bounce around on his penis, hoping he's going to compliment your new earrings. Oh, that's not gonna happen. Oh, no. So you want to try something subtle to get his attention, like accidentally brushing your hand against his while he is pounding you, or make up an excuse to ask him a question, something to just get him to break his normal routine so you can share a moment. Gives you an opening to flirt. Bingo. You have to stand out from the crowd. When he stops to adjust his condom, flash him a little I think you're cute smile before he slides himself back into you, something to just plant the thought of you in the back of his mind. So how do you keep him interested? One thing you can do is you can have an accessory wall full of hats or scarves or fun bracelets. That way you can throw one on to create a funky, fresh new look that will make him sit up and say, who's this new girl sitting on my dick?
Love it. All right, there are a few questions from our viewers. The first one's from Hillary in Brooklyn, New York. Hi, guys.
I can't seem to get the guy I'm sleeping with to pay any attention to me. I mean, he never even makes eye contact.
Oh, good question. Try throwing a ball or a small object at him. It's a great excuse to start a conversation like, hey, where did that ball come from?
Ooh, sassy. All right, this next one's from Liesl in Palo Alto, California. Hey guys, how do I know if the guy I'm having sex with is into me while he ejaculates? Well, Liesl, the old saying that the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach is true. So why not whip up some tasty treats while your guy is fucking you? You just want to be sure that you have a mixing bowl, a shallow pan, some key ingredients, and a small oven under your bed, and when he comes, you can have a fresh cookie ready for him. Oh, that would win me over. But, you know, the most important tip is to just be yourself. Men love blowing their load into a confident woman. No question about that.
That is a great message, Rebecca. Thanks so much for being with us again. You can see even more of Rebecca's tips in her upcoming book, I'm Right Under You, How to Hook that Cute Guy in Your Vagina, available next month. Stick around because when we come back, we'll show you how to pre-vibe cancer by removing your organs now. Later on in the newsroom, the government is designated next Friday as Take Your Child to Help You Look for Work Day. Stay tuned. |
cracked | cnn_turns_video_of_great_boobs_into_bad_television | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'm counting off CNN's latest attempt to debase themselves for ratings by trying to titillate their audience with a story about the Hooters food chain. In any promotion we ever have, I'll always tell my customers about it. And there's a new one coming up with a very different type of operation. CNN, you can't tease your viewers with busty t-shirts and then just slap them in the face with dog testicles. I haven't been this conflicted since MSNBC ran that story on Jenna Jameson's new sex scene. With my mom. It's the new campaign ad. Yeah, we're doing Hooters for Nooders. By the Kentucky Humane Society.
We've had some mixed response b- Oh really? People don't like to hear about the gonad region while they're eating? That explains why my restaurant failed.
And who better to get the point across than Melissa and her friends? Who better? Let me check my old SAT's prep book.
Goat tube a ligation is to sexy astronaut, as snipping dog testicles is to, oh, large-breasted waitress. Certain men believe that if they do neuter their dogs, it's going to take away their masculinity. They cringe at the thought of neutering.
Again? You know, I don't know who at CNN produced this segment, but I do know one thing. They hate breasts. Because every time they showed you one of these, they showed you a whole lot more of these. So kudos to you, CNN. Not every cable news network could take a fluff segment on Hooters and turn it into a piece of mammary-based aversion therapy. That's eight by numbers, and that's all for now. |
dropout | iOS_14_More_Rounded_Boxes_Than_Ever_Before | Introducing iOS 14, a fresh new look for iPhone. iOS 13 was just little rounded boxes. In iOS 14, we're leaving that all behind.
What's the difference? Well, it's the letters. Still not satisfied? Check out this other bigger rounded box, a slightly smaller one, a slightly smaller one, a slightly smaller one. Whoops, this one's the phone again, go back one, there it is. Add a keyboard and it's sort of like one of our big rounded boxes. Don't like that? What about one of our big rounded boxes? They come in big small and big medium and big large and large large and large large large. Oh no, is it too large? I'm sorry, did I scare you?
Here's a teeny weeny one. So small you can put it on your wrist. Unusably small. What could you even possibly use this for? Butterfly having, having a butterfly on it, I guess.
Still not enough. I don't, what, okay, Goldilocks, what could you possibly be looking for?
We have rounded boxes in every size you can imagine. Just say a size in inches and I swear you have it. 100 inches.
I, um, hold on. Let me look in the back. Okay, fuck it. Here's something new. It's the, who cares? It's the all new Mac Max X Plus exclamation point, middle finger.
That'll be all of your money in a rounded suitcase. There is only one true God in its rounded box. A square in a circle had a son and he is our savior. Sharp corners are the devil's horn. Say three hour rounded and 10 hour boxes to be cleansed of the sin of stealing from Android.
No wait. Ah, better. Hey gang, Brennan here.
If you dig college humor and want to support what we do, sign up for Dropout. For the cost of a very big dumpling per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. Chat with us live in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as Dimension 20.
There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? So sign up for your free trial today or don't. You know, do what you think is right. I'm not, I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life.
I don't even know you. That would be crazy. I, um, it was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I'm sorry. And that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA. |
SaturdayNightLive | musical_promo_snl | Coming this spring, Broadway is back with a new musical that captures the spirit of our times. Susan? Oh, right. she's in Colorado till Monday. chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, eating all the chicken in my house. it's by yourself. The musical, a tribute to the little songs we all sing when we're by ourselves. plates! Oh my God, girl. what did you do last night? you covered in mess. Oh, no, another amazon box. what's in this box? what did I buy? some envelopes. that's right. the little songs that make you think, am I okay? look at my hand, it's walking like a person, walking like a person On the other hand. now it's kickin',' kickin'' like it's dancin'.'
I think it's for the best that I live alone. audiences agree. Finally, a musical we can relate to. Broadway.com says, not sure why that cost money to see, but I loved it. And the New York Times raves. type in, type in, type in, tap in, tap in, tap in at the Keys on the New York Times. And of course, no musical is complete without drama.
Hello, it's Brad. I forgot that you were there and now you have to go be dead. See you on the other side. it's got surprises. everybody's on the zoom talking out of their ass. sorry, could you mute yourself? Yes, I apologize. And don't worry, it's got hits. when you touch me like this and you touch me like this and like that, I'm insane. But mostly it's ten-second ditties that do not rhyme about whatever a person is looking at. yo, good. What the hell are you? My best guess is jiggly Milk. it's Buy Yourself the musical, a truly modern musical that teaches us we might not be so alone after all. we are in love. this bread's not so bad. we're getting married. you're like wet sour jello. too bad no one can hear me. this damn mic is saying, ain't it the best thing? ain't it the best thing? buy yourself the musical. come on, you know you do it. |
cracked | cracked_podcast_1_generation_gaps_how_our_age_defines_us_audio_only | Hey guys, you don't even know who I am yet, but we already have a sponsor. Welcome to the show and Audible Thank you for helping us make this first episode possible listeners You can find tons and tons of titles on audible podcast comm backslash cracked Go snag one of them for free with 30 day free trial. That is audible podcast comm slash C-r-a-c-k-e-d now on to the show if you're having girl problems. I feel bad for you, son I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one Jesus dad That is really mean to say Just saying if you ever have girl problems meeting your mom always seem to make it work. Don't do Don't call mama bitch my decoding that right Hey everybody, how's it going? My name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of crack calm and this is my co-host and sound guy Michael Swain We're gonna be your co-hosts appropriately, yeah for our first podcast which the subject is Generation gaps why?
No one even uses that term anymore. I know that's it I never really saw what the big deal was with generation gaps. I always thought it was somewhat overblown my parents named the place where we bought our Corduroy pants and mock turtlenecks the gap As if to signify that people were talking about the generation gap so much that they needed to give it a nickname Well, am I following that your parents named your parents coined the name the gap my parents generation. Come on I'm talking about my generation.
I'm on a lot of pills. I'm losing words.
I know but It seems to be let like personal privacy and baseball one of those things Right because you're young and hip and cool And just in general it seems like you guys have stopped really giving a shit about generation gaps You're just yeah, we're all just internet avatars, right? And mostly everyone's lying about their age.
So it's fine, right? Or so we thought yeah First we're gonna illustrate sort of something that all generations seem to have in common we asked the hosts of some of our favorite ear wolf podcasts to weigh in on a Subject that every generation seems to have in common a shared desire To believe that one of our biggest pop stars had to have a scientifically impossible amount of semen pumped out of their stomach Mmm. See okay, and this is gonna prove that the generation gap is a real thing This is gonna prove because that Before and it's not worked out for me, but this is it's gonna prove that there are subtle differences between the generations But that we all kind of share a Unifying experience and you know, we're all part of the same human race All right before we just blow that all to hell and prove that we're totally unlike one another. All right, so Yeah, so we asked a bunch of our favorite ear wolf folks About semen.
This is who we tricked into talking about semen for us on our first show All right, so how what celebrity did you hear had to have semen pumped out of their stomach? That's uh, that's for forever a Rod Stewart or a Richard Gere, but mostly a Rod Stewart I remember Jordan Knight from new kids on the block. Well, that actually was not a rumor That was true. All five of them were surviving on each other for a long time I've only heard it being Rod Stewart when I think about the celebrity that has gotten caught I've only heard it be Rod Stewart You know, I I don't know where I first heard the story It's like one of these things that I've just always known Like oh, did you hear that Rod Stewart had to have a bunch of semen pumped out of his stomach? Yeah, I heard that. I don't know where I heard it, but I have always known that what celebrity Randy Did you hear had to have semen pumped out of his or her stomach Queen Elizabeth?
I was gonna say Jose Canseco What is Brian Posein Alex? Well, I'm not really a celebrity What is that's correct Brian?
I think Brian would want to keep it in his stomach What do you think you and your classmates wanted to believe that particular celebrity had a scientifically impossible amount of semen in their stomach Why did I want to believe that? I mean since I can't oh, I don't know I heard that as a kid and you just figure oh if it's true and it's a but if it's about sex it must be true I don't know why it was never questioned It really the science of it is shaky at best, but I think you just take a look at Rod Stewart. You know what it is That story brings Rod Stewart down a peg, you know, you look at Rod Stewart and you think oh, that's the ultimate rock star You know, you see him he's saying and do you think I'm sexy? He's you know dating models He's got that big rock star hair, but you want him to kind of just be like anyone else So the idea that even Rod Stewart has to go to the emergency room and deal with something embarrassing I think that that's what it is. It brought Rod Stewart down to our level like well He may be a rock star But at least I never had to go to the hospital because I had a scientifically impossible amount of semen pumped from my stomach Do you see any similarities between the following list of names Rod Stewart Elton John little Kim Britney Spears Bon Jovi drummer and New kids on the block all of them.
They're all people I've jerked off to when I'm eating my own semen Are there any other weirdly specific rumors? You've encountered in more than one place preferably before the internet I heard a lot of rumors about puff the magic dragon being fake which is bullshit. He's not he's started bad boy Yeah, yeah, it's and with with his brother HR puff and stuff Which is short for a happy relaxing puff and stuff Mac he was a death row what roster before the death row what Easter after exactly he was an inspiration for the chronic Bubble yum had spider eggs in it. It's a gypsy woman through your baby They're trying to steal your money underneath so don't put your fanny pack like on the side that little kid Mikey from life cereal Yeah, like he likes it. Yeah, was it like he was a murderer or some story about him when I think about the word rumors And the words are weirdly specific.
I think about Mick Fleetwood and his decision to wear those Gangling balls on the cover of Fleetwood Mac's rumors Yes around that same time Something about Stevie Nicks and Kenny Rogers Sniffing cocaine or blowing cocaine into her asshole Kenny Rogers blows cocaine into Stevie Nicks asshole. I believe I still believe that one That Kenny Rogers no, no, no that Stevie Nicks Liked cocaine so much that she had some blown up her asshole because it increases the effects I just don't know how the release that is a thing the coke fiends do I just don't know. What does that mean? It's strong strong, and then you just have a bunch of like a coke anima.
Okay, I know No Asshole tweaks some sensibilities, but I just have to say officially crank.com does not endorse Rod Stewart as ultimate rock star that cannot happen That's because Michael doesn't remember the faces but anyways, the reason we're playing that as it as it relates to generation gaps is because First of all, it's just strange that so many people heard that same thing Um, and it kind of persists across generations, you know I I think the age range spans from mid 40s to You know 20s on that mix and in this room, uh, but we all heard the rod stuart thing. I heard That the new kids thing that how I heard rod stuart And I i'm nine years old and I heard that I know it's Amazing. Um, I heard the very specific rumor that howard mentioned that the new kids had to survive off of one another Despite the fact that as you pointed out that that should They're rich. They can afford fine imported bottled semen. They don't need to resort to that I don't understand that one that that mix kind of made it seem like well The generations can all hang together and you know, we're all Somewhat alike.
No, there are problems. There are problems you guys, uh, because The current generation of young people think that bob marley Sang and performed don't worry be happy Um, it's a lie. It's by if you go to google right now and type don't worry be happy followed by a space It's going to suggest bob marley as the second choice. That's not google's fault.
It's because that's apparently what we search for um, and You know it there's a video on youtube with just a black and white picture of bob marley And don't worry be happy playing over it in memoriam style with like 14 million views and 99 percent Uh likes right and then with the titanic rerelease You got all kinds of tweens tweeting That was more alliteration than I wanted to go for. Um, all these tweets like wait, so titanic was a real ship and uh Someone tweeted is titanic based on a real life event. That's from eye candy underscore for you Um license plate style and it's just you see this bob marley thing and the titanic thing and there are more People who think the titanic yeah, they're unsure on it. She follows many teenagers as I do on twitter You would have seen a lot of them who were the subject of a restraining order Totally taken off guard that the titanic wasn't just a fictional prop that james cameron had invented for his movie I feel a while back. Uh during a grammys I think I saw someone accrued all of the tweets that were who is this old man, which was paul mccartney playing piano That's a big finale.
I think they're actively trolling us with that one And you see stuff like this and it's hard not to conclude that every younger generation is dumber than the preceding generation, right? so that's where the Kind of research for this podcast took us for a turn because it turns out that's not true at all Is it michael? No, the flin effect says otherwise, remember? Yeah, there's something called a flin effect that basically says that it doesn't matter Uh where you look any standardized intelligence test they looked at like dutch military entrance exams Sats where you look kids are getting smarter So like the kids who graduate from my high school this year are going to be Like I think it's like seven iq points on average smarter than the kids who graduated my year like back in 1999 um and Nobody really knows why that's happening. Um, there's a bunch of different theories and we're going to look at them later But that's sort of why we're looking at generation gaps today It's not a totally made up.
Oh All right, i'm on board. Yeah, let's do it the first thing we're going to look at is something that we have just as wrong as the kids who didn't think that titanic existed or uh People who think that bob marley sang a song eight years after he died. Uh, I don't want to believe that but i'm listening. So yeah, I talked to daniel o'brien about something that I just talked to me.
Jesus are really bad at remembering. Um, just as bad as those kids on Twitter dan, um, you wrote an article a while back about all these different Pop culture memories that we have that are just incorrect yeah, there there are a lot of things that um not just exist in our memories as like Things that were on the side or things that were a small line from star wars or a small line from from uh, famous tv show it's like the most popular line for a very popular movie exists in the head of everyone and We're wrong. Everything you've ever thought Was completely wrong.
There was no star wars The one that was most surprising to me was that uh, the word ewok is never said in a single star wars movie See i'm ah, that's crazy. I'm with dan. I can't They must say ewok in the credits or something. Yeah, but were you like reading the credits as a As a pre-born at this point in our logic. Um Man, no, and I even knew beyond that. I knew that they were called It's a corruption of the word wookie because he wanted wookiees to be short and they wouldn't let him So then he made like I knew intimate details of george lucas's agenda when I was six years old But that that was all added on like after the after the fact.
Yeah, retconned on there for toy sales, apparently Humpty dumpty. Uh, it's a uh nursery rhyme that you can't Find someone who doesn't know that rhyme and if you ask them uh, what it's about they're gonna say is this egg who sits on this wall and falls down and And every look like you see depictions of it as this guy this this big fat egg sitting on a wall who cracks When he hits the ground go over the palm in your head They never mention him being an egg. It's the only sentient egg that I know of right Well, that's you've lived a very sheltered life it's It's strange though that that was just such a specific thing and I guess it's the same as the ewok Such a specific thing was just assumed to be true and generally accepted back to star wars Which is apparently the only movie I've ever seen.
Uh, Luke I'm your father. That's I can hear that line in my head exactly the way It was said in the movie. I've Said it's people and people have quoted that line everywhere. Luke. I am your father. This is actually how it's quoted in tommy boy La la la look Luke I am your father Never happens in the movie in the movie. What darth vader says is no. I am your father That's so close though That's super close. I would give that to all of our collective memories One word off Yeah, but it's I would be fine if all my memories were one word off It's like they say in the bible thou shalt not A word some other word that it's such a specific quote close to being a joke though I guarantee like people would put like 99 certainty that they Have every word of that correct. That's true in a game show betting scenario. I would go for luke I am your father, right?
Well not that would be stupid now that I know beam me up scotty Not just in the movies, but there's six of the original star trek movies and then an entire tv series No one ever says beam me up scotty That existed in my head and I didn't even watch star trek as a kid, but I knew oh beam me up scotty It's one of the famous lines from from from that star trek show about those star trekkers. Uh, and there's 125,000 different variations of that that are set on the show people say scotty. Can you beam me up? Beat me up on out of your scotty. Hey big scott Let's get my beam on that kind of thing beautiful All right, so is your mind blown about the movie quote stuff And humpty dumpty feel like I can't speak because My speaking apparatus along with the rest of my head has been blown to the side of the room by my mind exploding All right, so Next we talked about how it's not just movie quotes It's actually also stuff from very recent history that again you would put like 99 certainty That you had right that we actually have wrong.
Everything we know is wrong people. That's where we're going open your eyes What's the what's one of the?
Central images you think of with the sexual revolution? Uh women burning bras on a boardwalk god, that was so good You didn't even like guess naked hippies at woodstock or anything. Just write on it Yeah, so women burning bras on on a boardwalk is Sort of the central pg-rated image that you can show To tell people that this is the sexual revolution what actually happened on that day is that women threw their bras into a trash can and over the Course of history people's memories combined The bras with the burning of draft cards for the vietnam war it became burning bras and plus I think boobs and fire Are just you know always popular two rights can't make a wrong.
Yeah, sure people just like to combine those I know I do one of my favorite examples, uh ich bin I Is a quote from john f kennedy which means what people think that he's saying I am a donut the idea that Kennedy was actually saying I am a donut started with a 1982 Novel like a spy novel the new york times book review Mentioned that anecdote from the novel in their review of the book and it just went from there people Stopped differentiating between fiction and non-fiction and just sort of added that to the old memory bank um And now that's like everywhere every I mean there's an episode of the simpsons like that's the first one of the first memories that comes up when you think of john f kennedy and It didn't exist in 1979. There's also an episode of the simpsons where they burn bras Really? Yeah Maybe the simpsons is Is the problem See that I knew the simpsons thing. I knew because while you're out there researching I am doing my due diligence and watching simpsons for the 45th time To catch new things also nerd also nerd um right, so next we Dan and I had a conversation about one of those things that is just always assumed to be getting dumber and worse Uh, which is popular music.
Yeah Yeah yeah, just in general, you know, you listen to the old station and Sounds like you know That's the golden age of classic rock right and or at least more sophisticated or something deeper Yeah, yeah, yeah, man, and it's a sampling error It's you know, they are picking from an entire decade of music right and just picking the best stuff. Whereas The top 40 radio like the Justin Bieber stuff that it gets compared to is just like what happens to be popular this month Yeah, it's like comparing apples and annoying oranges uh tween Sensation annoying orange. So we talked about some specific examples that I found pretty surprising If you look at what was actually on the charts back back then, I mean the Beatles Beatles did well They did good for themselves. They're talented kids Um, but for instance the year that the vietnam war was at a tight, um 1983. Yes top song on the charts was Right.
We like to think in our in our in our memory We we think surely something like creating clearwater revival will be Number one because that's what I can't not think of them when I think of vietnam But now it's sugar sugar Oh, honey, honey You are my candy girl One thing that I haven't been aware of is that sugar sugar was released by the archies The the fictional cartoon character group. They're really super lame. Yeah Like there's a cartoon with like them dancing bad cartoon dances and you speaking, you know Why i'm aware of the archies the simpsons episode where they tell homers stay out of riverdale Um nerd points Yeah, but it's that was the most popular song While we were in the vietnam war that's yeah crazy.
We just wanted to dance our cares away with some crazy cartoon kids Yeah, you know what's crazy about this all this music stuff Um, I happen to be on the phone with a crack column as sean baby The other day arranging the traffic of some black market sex slaves And um, I recorded it like I always record those calls and towards the end We actually got into a really interesting conversation and I think it folds in here. It's sort of the We have these incredible misconceptions about past time periods He talked to me a little bit about the police gazette, which is like this crazy. Yeah, this is one of my Magazine yeah from the sort of the greatest generation era. So Let's hear right. Yeah, this is the generation that we remember for citizen kane and winning the winning world war two and They this is the kind of a side of that generation that you generally don't see Also, if you need sex slaves, find me and just like ask me about them All right.
Well, uh, yeah, it started way way back in the day like 1800s And it was supposed to be about things that uh would hold the interest of a police person It wasn't necessarily an internal newsletter. I don't think but it was sort of like Where you'd put stories about murder or kidnapping or these types of things things were normal back in the day, right? And then this sort of uh Just sort of grew with society until it Just sort of became like this dark reflections of everything that was horrible in the world by the time the The forties came around for example. It was just full-on childrenism and racism This is not just like a neo-nazi paper that existed. This is right a widespread publication that was around for decades right and and to be clear, it wasn't like uh Like a tabloid like these were more or less real news stories or what this was like if you're at home And you consider yourself a detective and you're interested in Forensic science. We don't have csi but here's the police gazette And uh, can you give us some examples of what kind of stuff might be in there?
Okay, well, um, here's something that I totally love about the magazine is that back in the day They they just love violence. And so they would have um Readers write it and challenge other readers to fight So they would they would have a little picture of them and it'd be like This man can take any man in a prepper. Right, right I like the immediately adopt that voice.
I would have been disappointed.
Otherwise Right and uh They did this so often they actually became Like in charge of boxing rankings because they were kind of the only people doing this And so whoever they decided well boxing rankings or like bare knuckle illicit street fight rankings well Kind of everything because it's something you really have a boxing association until uh, I think 21 1921 and so before that just whoever police gazette said was the toughest man in the world He was the boxing champion or the wrestling champion or whatever and on the next page Here's who beat the shit out of whom and more challenges And they would send in uh, like their kids like people would have their kids box and be like They're looking for opponents for their young boys And they'd have a little shirt with children that would want them to fight out their children wow yeah, and uh And I mean we we call that the greatest generation of 40s and 50s because right they fought they fought like uh The nazis and the japanese who were About as bad as villains can get at the time but I don't really think um We should define our heroes by the villains they fight necessarily because I mean spider-man he fought a good giant bike tire Yeah, but doing a crazily bear suit superman doesn't have a single fit villain And and I mean the flashpot whether with it this I could do all day We got to stop here What's so interesting to me about it and what we're talking about a lot in this episode of the podcast is sort of the disconnects between Memory as a reflection of reality versus memory as a legend. We don't absorb our history by Living or going or asking old people stories by and large we absorb like we see madmen and we go I feel like I know what the 50s was like right and just through pop culture and stuff and I I assume it's in Every generation's interest to hide their Horrible racist shit. We do this sort of sanitization And I just love the police gazette as an artifact of no, it was like this We were just like that the section of thing like I mean, you know, it's hard to picture a world Where they treated women like that like if if you were an ugly woman in the 40s and 50s society had no use for you Today, uh an ugly woman can like major in repair Oh, yeah, there's like four things at least Yeah, and and the police that really captures that I mean Even late into the 60s and 70s. They would do an article. I found one in that That column I did where it was like a barber strike and killed lemmer in hollywood Just because she wasn't a very attractive woman. They're like is the entire concept of beauty dead They had these weird old stories where you know, the guy murdered his wife and it'd be like light reading It was sort of like the on the wacky side of news Do you think like do you think the farther back you go because I mean then you go back and there's Slavery and then you go back and there's genocide We're still kind of brutal assholes, but I wonder If it's been a linear Curve like do you think we've gotten better and better from caveman times to now?
Well, uh, I think as a people we're we're much more enlightened We obviously have racism. We we tend to judge people more on the merits of uh You know their abilities present their gender or their race.
Certainly. It's still there try like by life Not in a major institutionalized way. I'm not one of those right at least society considers it evil That's the important thing. Yeah, we all can look at it and say this is a bad thing that you're doing but um I think when it comes to a sense of uh personal ethics and personal honor That my perception is in decline like uh, it's I think it's more ordinary to run into someone today who doesn't care that they've Heard someone else because it like helps them get ahead where they think that would have been really despicable in a lot of other times Yeah But yeah, that's interesting 20s guy might be Incredibly breathtakingly loyal two other white male guys in the 20s but like If you tried to pair him buddy cop style with a black guy Different things would happen All right, so I was rereading that article again while we were listening to that interview Man multitasking.
Wow uh But yeah, there's just as you said it's like breathtakingly kind of just backwards and racist and misogynistic some things that you guys didn't cover but uh First of all the barber Streisand article is just Horrendous. It's one of the tamer things. It sounds like in the interview But if you actually go read it in the article, it's just so they have a picture of her. That's so unflattering. Yeah, and then they're just like They they make fun of her nose and her lips which look like she plays a trumpet like it's just like it's crazy to think the amount of power and You know wealth and that she has in her life now But she also lived in a period where that was the media. That's crazy.
It's so recently and right. That was 1970 That same issue. There's an article about how Truth serum which apparently they just kind of got in wind of that Can be used to get your cheating wife to out herself And it's like couched as you know doctors want to know Like this is being used to prevent the spread of vd And so like all these shitty cheating wives who are like spreading vd around the population Are like being shot up with truth serum so that they'll admit to their Dirty cheating lifestyle now, is this a bullshit truth serum that you'd buy from the magazine or is this sodium pentathlon? They were just I think sodium pentathlon had just been like kind of discovered or at least that use the cia's use of it had just been discovered and This is how they chose to frame that would be good for you.
Yeah Which there's another article that's just frigid wives whose fault is it What what son of a bitch? Yeah, you're starting Why won't my whore wife have sex with me right the frigid whore the sports coverage oxymoronic The sports coverage is so good because it's just It's basically the magazine I would have written when I was four years old like because it's just all about fights We've we've all seen the framed pages in your office, right? They so one of the only sports articles that we see is how to win a fist fight during a basketball game Just that just comes up a lot. Yeah guys.
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So speaking of getting Dumber over time. I mentioned the flint effect at the top of the show And we haven't heard of it since then and now I forget what it is. Could you explain it to me? I can and actually I had a conversation with daniel about it.
Um sort of it's named after a guy who discovered it in the 80s and As you'll hear he didn't want to believe what he saw but the numbers were just not what zaps you into the tron world It's not no, it's the thing we were talking about where iq points or iq accumulate over time. Sure iq tests Get better and better with each passing generator There's this guy james flinn who was looking at iq tests from the past 100 years throughout the 20th century and He found that while the number of people who had average iq's stayed about the same That was because they were adjusting the tests to make it more and more difficult when you actually gave Modern people tests from 20 years ago They scored way higher than they should have like a person with a in the 1980s with a 100 iq would score like a 125 on a 1930s iq test So that would seem to indicate that you know, the world was somehow getting smarter people were somehow getting smarter And this guy's first instinct Which would have been my first instinct and I think everyone's was to say okay This means iq tests are bullshit because everyone's clearly getting stupider If this was true, then there would be some sort of cultural renaissance, right? But we're clearly not seeing that I mean he he made this discovery in 1987 when deaf leopard was, you know storming up the charts and he kind of looked around himself and was like, all right so iq tests are clearly either either People are cheating on them or you know, something's going on here because This can't be the smartest generation in the history of earth according to this we're all geniuses and there's no way that's true Look at how dirty and shitty we are, right? So they did more research and found that you found the same thing. No matter what test you looked at There's a dutch military placement exam, uh for conscripts people who are drafted into military service Which is basically everyone and when you looked at their results over time The people just seemed to be getting smarter and smarter basically on the same exact linear curve as americans in iq tests And so he expanded his research. He looked at sat's he looked at iq tests given to young children old children older people and It just held up. So uh flinn eventually started looking around him and realized that Even though our culture might look stupider It's actually way more complex than the culture and the popular culture the sort of environment that our parents our Grandparents were living in.
Um, this is especially pronounced with the internet kids grew up always having the internet My dad Doesn't know how to use a mouse But it's kind of always been the case and just looking around in 1987 one of the things that he pointed to Was the fact that um a fast food menu used to just have burger and the amount of money you had to pay now It had nutritional information. There were word games on the fast food Placement. Um a box of cheerios had word games on the back of it. It had You know all this additional information. Those are just the ingredients. Those aren't word games. Jack. You can't win No, if you unscrabble them, there's a secret message I do just want to uh Jump in after dan snide comment there.
Um but I It's worth thinking about like kind of all the different ways that our culture has kind of sped up. Um That You know, you might not notice on a daily basis, but it does take a more complex like quicker and quicker minds to uh Keep up Yeah, and complexity just goes up and goes up. Um This I read a business book Called the evolution of brands or branding book. I don't know that had the apartment I moved into the guy left it in the crapper. So I read it and uh It actually blew my mind and it's the same thought it's taking the theory of evolution which drives More and more specialization and complexity and applying that to everything in the world by which I mean Brands and stuff we buy because that's everything that's what's important And so it had stuff like 50 years ago. There were a hundred different Items in the grocery store and now there's fifty thousand or so i'm totally not correct But you know what? I mean, it just proliferates complexity and I think you just have to Deal with it And maybe that's what's boosting our iq's Yeah, there's like thousands of different messages that hit your brain that you're like constantly decoding Just like walking down the city street or like walking through the grocery store, right?
Walking around you didn't see as many different things Right that you had to understand they're just the advertisements like came out and said, you know, this is a good cereal It wasn't like playing on like three different layers of no now we have Uh, literally just saw a commercial that old spice commercial. It's like it's a commercial for fruit No, it's for soap that plays on you understanding both fruit and soap commercials and the visual tropes that go into those And a whole history of things. It's nuts, right? It's a very complex layered text Like which is weird to say about an old spice commercial, but it's fucking true. It's really complicated And we just like don't even It's not like we're thinking of it as a complex layered text. We're like, ah, that's a that's a deodorant commercial Yeah, but yeah, your mind has to strong exactly those old spice commercials are actually Part of the explanation that flinn ended up settling on for why our itus are steadily going on Because we're all using old spice.
Exactly. Yeah, no, I explained it to dan.
You're hopeless Explanation that he eventually settled on was that iq and environment were affecting each other More people were learning to read so the more people that learned to read the more people were putting words everywhere The more words there were everywhere the more stimulated people were the more that they were reading the more they were having to digest Information the smarter they were and it just sort of fed back on itself to the point that now our environment Is so much more complex than it was, you know, even 10 years ago. So flinn went from Thinking well, this proves that iq tests are full of shit to actually suggesting That the reason that old people seem slow and a little bit shaky Is not that their brains are deteriorating, but the reason people seem slow is because They're basically time travelers from a time when people were stupider It's basically the reverse of idiocracy people who are old enough to have grown up in the 30s And 40s they are from a time when The world was just made for and by simpler minds and you're saying the old people now the the elderly They are they are our dumbest citizens. We should treat them They should be put out to pasture or you know used for some sort of fuel. Sure I haven't thought it through Totally, but some sort of manual labor camps. Yeah Um, but the statistic that I just read this morning that kind of blew me away was that someone looked at the iq scores and just made the blanket statement that In the 1930s the average iq score was 80 So today the average is 100 and it's always been 100 because we adjust the difficulty up.
It's almost like looking at NBA basketball from the 70s and then comparing it to today and just imagining how hard lebron would Dunk on everyone. Yes I'm so hip So another place that uh, this is my awesome nba row Another place that you can kind of see this difference taking place or at least that i've noticed is if you look at old movie trailers from the 1980s For instance one of my favorite and I know one of your favorite, uh movies. Daniel is uh, is diehard Yeah, uh, have you watched the trailer for diehard? I I have I watched it last night as I do every night before I go to sleep And it really it uh, it if your job today was to get people to come see your diehard movie And that was the trailer you made you'd be fired The beginning is very much like you think you're gonna watch christmas movies like john mcclain is down on his look. Yeah No, there's an amazing part here.
We're we're gonna actually watch it and then kind of riff a little bit, you know So we start off establishing It's christmas eve in la and then we get john mcclain saying california in case in case. Yeah, you know They could be using the abbreviation for louisiana or something. You just can't know That's amazing that they they they lead off with john mcclain's daughter, uh lucy, uh saying Is daddy gonna come home for christmas and? Dan always chose the lucy impression and holly says we'll see what what mommy and santa can come up with Um, that is not what this movie's about the movie's not whether or not dad's gonna make it home for christmas It's not jingle all the way or anything like that.
And and That shot of lucy talking on the phone. That is The entirety of her presence in this movie That part actually happens though in the movie.
I Couldn't actually might not yeah. There's also a part where uh hans grubber goes I will teach them the lessons of power that I don't think that's a memory.
Yeah, it was incredible We'll get to that and new york cop john mcclain has come to see his wife instead He's going to have to save her Within this skyscraper high above the city 12 terrorists have declared war they're about to be to the left real use of power Does that happen I don't think that they're about to be I also like how many needless Gratuitous details they give us the number of terrorists. Yeah 12 terrorists in the skyscraper high above the city Right in case you were curious about where skyscrapers went But by the way, we're not even halfway through the trailer we it's a two minute 34. Yeah Now the last thing mcclain wants Is to be a hero But he doesn't have a choice All right a few things here real quick first of all the lengths that they go to to establish that he's a reluctant hero Yeah, you know the last thing he wants to do is become a hero, but he has to because fuck terrorists It's crazy.
That that's almost more a testament to how groundbreaking diehard was before this Action movie starred arnold schwarzenegger or sylvester stellan But that still ties into the flint effect because it's a thing that didn't exist It's a new wrinkle that was added to the pop culture landscape that now we just take for granted That they don't need to explain to us anymore. The second thing we just saw the first example of this Being about to swear and then they cut to an explosion that happens about five times in this trailer I think they might have invented it in this trailer because they're so fucking proud of it When was the last trailer that you saw that had a voiceover guy, you know the cliche everybody loves the joke in a world um No comment about how good that in a world was No, but people love doing that it's like sort of a Standby joke, but I can't think of a single trailer where that's actually used anymore because people are just over it They don't need a central narrator taking you through One by one you can use lines from the movie He's an easy guy to like come on to the coast we'll get together have a few laughs and a hard man to kill Bruce will it die hard gotta fight it to the christmas party by mistake Who knew all right? Couple last thoughts. Why is that the finishing line of the trailer?
That's his catchphrase. He says that in every movie Christmas party by mistake who knew Who knew is like such a kathy thing to say like, you know, you should have like a mug of coffee and be sitting um Man, yeah, they just really feel the need to make sure you know He's an average joe. He's an easy guy to like just letting you guys know Right, you're not allowed.
Hey, it's your buddy to form your own opinion about this We're telling you in advance you like this guy And then when you watch the trailer for diehard five Which I did this morning because it's linked on the side of this one and there's no voiceover. It's a minute long There's all these subtle clues in the trailer that this is a diehard sequel that makes you know it's a diehard sequel before like the uh name of the movie comes up there's like they play the uh Whatever that classic piece of classical music from the first one is while a door is opening Which is the same shot from the first one when the safe opens So that's how they tell you that it's a diehard movie now um, and that's you know, 20 years later our sort of visual Vocabulary is so much more advanced and sophisticated That that instead of having a guide take you through by the hand and tell you beat for beat what's going to happen in this movie they use a sort of rhyming shot and music combination from the first movie to uh Tell you that this is a sequel We we're only talking about trailers because that's kind of the most visual way that I can Actually see it happening in my lifetime. Like trailers are getting more complex With each passing year, right? um the most kind of the craziest thing that i've ever heard about like sort of over long periods of time how we're different as a Basically as a species from people way way back in history Uh has to do with color blue.
Have I explained this to you before? No. Okay. Absolutely not Really know it or remember it because i'm always listening when you're talking, right? That's the important takeaway.
You're attentive of if nothing else um all right, so uh, this scholar who he was like a Greek classic scholar and also Uh, he was so good at it. He also ended up becoming the prime minister of england um Socrates became prime minister. Yeah, and that's crazy. Um, no, he was like, uh you know, he was an expert on uh What is it the ilead or the whichever whichever one Illmatic illmatic.
Um so he was an expert on the book and he noticed that like Homer seemed to be like either color blind or just like have a really shitty sense of color because He would describe the ocean as like the color of wine Which is only the case when there's like I don't know should never be the case when there's a shark attack Yeah, and thousands of trojan corpses litter the battlefield, right? But that wasn't he was just like the wine dark sea like passing. Uh, he described the sky as the color of bronze and ox oxen as the color of wine again They didn't have much going besides wine. We're talking about simpler time fewer things were had color Well, so it's that but to an amazing extreme so he went through and started counting the instances of color that are mentioned and there's like lots and lots of black and white there's You know hundreds of mentions of red things and there's zero mentions of blue he came to the conclusion That homer didn't have the concept of blue available to him at first He thought well the human eye must just have developed the blue the ability to see blue But like we now know that that's scientifically stupid So the theory was that he like their culture must have just like had this weird Specific some reason that this isn't how we realized homer was blind, right? We already knew he's blind.
No, but you're saying even the concept of blue never comes up, right? The concept of blue it's almost like he was writing the whole Book while wearing blue blockers, right? Like it's like now I know my audience. They don't like blue Do not go blue but so They kind of wrote it off as like a thing for yeah, like homer had some weird Uh thing wrong with his eyes, but then When they looked across all of history and compared it to other early texts, they found that This same thing happens like with most early texts from any culture like Colors are invented by different cultures basically as they're needed So first you start with black and white then there's red because that's the color of blood and wine and those two liquids are In plentiful supply and then you get green and yellow because you start agriculture and you need to know what did the greeks not see Not have blue things.
Is that what you're saying? Right the only thing that they had was the ocean and the sky is everywhere the ocean So if all you need to describe is blue is the sky. Oh, you just say the sky Yeah, it's just the sky like you don't need to get all fancy about it. Got it.
And so blue is always last and It's also the hardest color to produce artificially like as a dye and nothing Like you said nothing fundamental like your blood there's not I mean it right is but you don't get at the blue blood ever Right, there's nothing blue. It's just blue all the time. Right Exactly out there being blue Yeah, all colors have to be invented and like they've done studies now where this mean scientist Didn't tell his daughter about the color blue for like the first great study asshole Well, there's another guy who only taught his son Klingon and like that's his son's first language but uh, so this guy just didn't uh, let her have access to the word blue and She would just describe the sky as like white because yeah, it's like light, you know Yeah, um, that's how he ruined his daughter's life and learned this tiny one thing Amazing.
Yeah, it's interesting made our podcast more interesting that she can't probably Oh, she's fine. She's fine.
Yeah, he let her in imagine that your fifth birthday. He's like blue I'm conflating the stories because i'm actually more worried about the Klingon kid. That's right.
Yeah, that's really fucked up But so that's how different generations can be from one another. Yeah that they Saw the world literally in black and white at a certain point. Um, and you see that across all cultures them Having to invent colors as they go obviously that's not the case Like that's not a difference we can see between our parents and our generation But when you look at their movies or as you and I will talk about on a follow-up podcast Look at their comedies and see what they find funny. It's Totally foreign to us.
Yeah. Yeah, we talk about that in one of our little tangent segments Yeah, which i'm calling crangents. I should let you know. Okay. Good.
I coined the phrase while you're in the bathroom We called this the cracked podcast because okay, we started recording and hadn't thought of anything else I was thinking crangents or crangelos Just because I like tangelos better than tangerines. It sounds like Very italian. I thought it through exactly as much as you thought through the name of the overall podcast Anything else Uh No, kind of a note for ourselves. Yeah, I think we should do an episode about limitations Leading to because you just made me think of two guys.
Well monet and dominica Theatocopolis el greco Who painted people really long and tall and was famous because it was unique and monet with the water. Yes, do we have that's been an article Yeah, we've covered that in an article. That would be cool. That would be a good Artist artist with limitations would be a good discussion one too.
Yeah, it's almost like cartoonish like it's like it's like it's All right, well, we'll talk about that on follow-up But yeah, that's been generation gaps, I guess and we're gonna do a couple follow-up interviews But you can read more about generation gaps on uh cracked not really you won't like search generation gaps But we cover this sort of stuff. And yeah, I hope you enjoyed the first crack podcast I hope that as well Nailed it That's gonna be arcadia kurik ask every time and I hope that as well Good night All right Before we leave you we're gonna do a quick footnotes Slash credit section where we kind of run through some of the songs and sources of ideas that we used to put this podcast together Um in case you guys like them as much as I do you can go check them out for yourselves So first we started out with the song smoke again by chance the rapper who's a 20 year old kid from chicago Uh cut his first mixtape 10 day while he was suspended for 10 days from high school It's apparently what kids do when they're being suspended from high school these days Uh, the song you heard is off his more recent full-length lp Acid rap which has made him just the most famous up-and-coming hip-hop artist today, uh, I found out about him from the get up on this podcast, which is A consistently great podcast that tells you about cool stuff. You might not already know about so get up on the get up On this podcast, I guess While we're talking about podcasts the story of the color blue being invented appeared in radio lab Uh their podcast on colors from a few years back is definitely worth checking out um The fact that the internet thinks bob marley saying don't worry be happy was first brought to my attention by cracks resident curmudgeon gladstone In his column from a few years back about songs the internet thinks are by the wrong person Uh, you heard send it up from the new kanye album during the year wolf semen pump medley As it will be known when submitted for grammy consideration uh I think that album in particular but just hip-hop music in general if you don't like kanye really seems to be Kind of an illustration of the flint effect in action um This album in particular blends You know influences from or samples actually from 27 year old scottish dj, uh hudson mohawk Uh down to the ponderosa twins, uh from 1971 um, so it's just in the same way that um You know movie trailers are getting more complex and uh taking more Things for granted that you know about this is kind of blending a bunch of different texts together creating new meaning that your parents think sounds like a bunch of noise uh, and speaking of the Semen pump medley. We of course want to thank our fellow earwolf folks who answered our weird ass questionnaire um howarden kulap from who and two charted randy and jason sklar from Sklarbo county and country brampus anem friends from nerd poker matt besser from impra for humans and From inventing ucb and being a comedy legend jeff wyce and nc no kendu from shots fired and of course Jake fogle nest from the fogle nest files who has been just a huge help in putting this podcast together. Uh During the pop culture memories part. We mentioned a couple of facts, uh that were covered in an article by jacapo de la quercia Uh, I think i'm butchering his name, but I work on the internet. So I don't say anyone's name out loud usually. Sorry jacopo You also heard um rick ross uh on a song called cassette deck off of Harry fraud's mix tape adrift which I'm pretty sure you can still download for free On the internet if you know how to use google it's adrift harry fraud Um a bunch of really cool songs on there and then You also heard just the greatest song about nostalgia ever Chas played by ghostface killer and produced by there is a uh a little later on we heard encore off the gray album Danger mouse's mashup of the beetle's white album and jay-z's black album Which seems to be a fit for obvious reasons and lp's the full retard which I like for this episode because it talks about the future and is just generally very cool sounding Um, and then we closed out with holland 1945 by neutral milk hotel which is A love song from a guy writing in the 90s to an frank who I believe had been dead for 50 years at that time um and just Seem to end things on a hopeful note and it's just a great song and I love it and hopefully you will too And that is our footnotes slash credits section. Hope you found something in there that you can enjoy This has been an earwolf media production executive producers jeff ullrich and scott ockerman for more information Visit earwolf.com The wolf dead |
TheOnion | Doctors_Say_Average_Heart_Attack_Victim_Doesn_t_Clutch_At_Chest_Nearly_Dramatically_Enough | Every 44 seconds, someone in the United States suffers a heart attack. In 9 out of 10 instances, the heart attack victim will fail to theatrically stumble to the ground and grasp their chest. Don't be a statistic. A heart attack, or myocardial infarction, occurs when oxygenated blood is obstructed from flowing properly to the heart muscle and requires victims to act quickly by lurching around with one hand clutching their chest and the other hand reaching out for drapes, blinds or tablecloths to violently yank out. The first 30 seconds of a heart attack is a critical window. If standing at the time of an attack, move into what is known as the L position by doubling over and grimacing in an unnaturally strained fashion. Use one outstretched hand to grasp for support as you stumble forward while using the other trembling arm to sweep everything off a table. If seated, draw one sudden strained breath and after turning purple from a lack of oxygen, plunge your face directly into a plate of spaghetti or mashed potatoes or simply topple sideways out of a chair while opening your eyes in an exaggerated expression of shock. If you come across someone suffering from a suspected heart attack, immediately cradle them in your arms and assure them that everything will be okay. While supporting their head and back, tell them that you love them, that you're sorry for not being a better son and beg them to please, please not leave you. As they draw their final breaths, bury your head in their chest and begin violently weeping while rocking back and forth. |
dropout | someone_broke_into_our_hulu_account_ch_shorts | You feel like doing anything tonight? Nope. Cool. Let's watch some Hulu. Alright, what first? American Fruit Ninjas? Yes. Watched again? Did you watch American Fruit Ninjas without me? No. That's our show. I would never do that. Did you watch Extreme Home Destruction? Because that's his watch too. Oh, uh-uh. I haven't watched anything new in weeks.
Watched?
Sarah, don't freak out, but I think somebody broke into our Hulu. They watched our shows? All of our shows? Yeah, all of them. Oh, even the emoji documentary? This person's clearly a psychopath.
Oh my god, what about our queue? Did they get to the queue?
It's destroyed. Episodes of the Real House Wines are scattered all over the place. We don't even watch that show. I know. The Wines are so basic. It's gonna take forever for us to get it back the way we want it.
Why would someone do this? I don't know.
But look, they even changed our ratings. They gave Ice Road fuckers five stars. That show sucks. Wait. A Handmaid's Tale? Two stars? But that show is so important.
Okay, but that we can change. We can change it back to five stars. But we shouldn't have.
How could somebody watch so much in so short a time? They just logged on and cleaned us out. Of unwatched shows. You didn't give anybody a password, did you?
No. Of course not. Did you? No.
But I did see your deadbeat cousin Wes sniffing around the Roku the other day. Wes would never do that. Besides, he only watches Game of Thrones. Okay, but he could trade our Hulu for an HBO Go? Also, he's addicted to Mets, so pretty unreliable.
Yeah. Should we call the police? What are they gonna do? They don't care about people like us with first world problems. Well, we can't just give up. Let's go to the hospital. Maybe the perp came in there. Maybe he's got eye strain or a couch butt. Hold on.
Maybe we just go back to watching our own shows. Start watching the shows that we like again and let the algorithm work itself out.
I mean, we can change our password to something that's impossible to remember with symbols and garbage. I'm never gonna remember that. Raf, I feel so violated.
Me too. Maybe we skip Hulu for tonight, go out with friends. But we'd have to talk to people? Yeah. We'll deal. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_187_Gorgeous_George_Rose | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show, recording live here in downtown Batutah. We are very excited this week, we've got a repeat guest. Would have been a year or two ago we had him on last time Errol. It was back when we didn't have to smuggle our guests across the border. Now everything is opening up and life is returning to normal across the country and it means it's time to pack out stadiums again, get out there, events are back on the calendar right across the country and today's guest is playing a big role in that down in the harbour city. Georgie Rose, gorgeous George, thank you for joining us. My absolute pleasure to be here guys, big fan. It's amazing, last time we had you on here you were still very much what many would call a rugby league pundit or nowadays you've moved in leaps and bounds.
It's almost like you are synonymous with Australian boxing now, George Rose, for years you were one of the better looking rugby league talents. That was what you were known as but now you are I guess the face of the Australian boxing and you've got some of the biggest fights locked in back to back to back. Back to back to back which was a great idea when we sat down and thought about it we thought you know what let's do a fight here and then you know what we'll do a double header three weeks later that's a mad idea and then you've got to try and actually do it and logistically yeah there's not much sleep. Tell us a little bit, you had this fight locked in with Timmy Su in Queensland and obviously things aren't back on track with borders and that kind of stuff in Queensland so you moved out at the last minute, well it wasn't really the last minute you had a bit of a run up here what was the turn of events there? Well in terms of planning it definitely was last minute we've done three months of work in in Queensland to get it all sorted up there and made all stoked Queensland's beautiful the weather's great you know Gold Coast is a great venue for boxing and I definitely want to go back there still I'd love to put a show on there but what we've learned I think in this Covid era of the last 18 months to two years is that we need to be agile and we need to be ready to to move and react as we have to along the way and as it turns the the best option was to to have to relocate back to New South Wales and in hindsight now looking at how everything is at the moment it's definitely the better better choice you know we've got a a great venue, kudos Ben Garina, we've always wanted to take a fight out there so really excited to be to be back here in New South Wales really um but you know same time very disappointed we didn't get the Gold Coast over the line. It's an interesting thing to kind of talk about with boxing because in this day and age with this pandemic you're bringing in you've got fighters that need to fight fighters from other countries you know it's it's kind of like they're beyond the pond now so you've had to bring in uh Takeshi in a way yep well you didn't have to you got him yeah you know like that was that's a big that's a big coup for Tim Sue to fight him yep what was it looking like was it looking like he was going to do his two weeks in Queensland and then two weeks into Sydney and then he's going to have to do basically four weeks of quarantine yeah yeah so there was prior to the fight there was it was looking like there was going to be two weeks here in New South Wales and then two weeks in Queensland so that's you know that's 28 days yeah leading into a fight yeah even if they get through that 28 days the quality of their performance it's you know it's going to be compromised because of that boxing's a hard sport yeah the preparation that goes into that for them to be able to step into the ring and put on a quality performance is it's tough it's really tough and so if they're missing out on on the training opportunities that they need before the fight it will affect the outcome and for us I I want it to be fair for for all people involved and and the fair option ended up being sticking in New South Wales yeah I mean doing 28 days in quarantine would fuck anyone up yeah I know you'd almost rather be in jail because you'd have other people to talk to that's a month yeah yes but like you get less for white collar crimes you get your rec you get your time too three hots and a cot so so live sport especially was really impacted by you know the past two years and the events that transpired there what was it like working with you know state governments you know lifelong bureaucrats who've never had to you know never had to make a buck outside of the public service what was it like talking to them and trying to get everything back up off the ground line did you get much support from the state government uh look I think they're in a very difficult position I think um this whole everything with COVID has been difficult I think for anyone making decisions a lot of decisions you're making you're making with with the unknown we've never been through something like this before in in this modern time and so decisions have to be made and and you know everybody beneath that has to has to react and has to do you know what's do what's said pretty much what's mandated you've got to you've got to go with the punches and you know stick and move and yeah and and find a way to make it work and and I think that's where we've sort of found ourselves over the last 18 months so we we've put on uh we put on over five shows in that time and each time I think we've been really lucky I know last year in December yeah that was that was the one right yeah you hosted it was uh was at a gallon gallon hunt yeah in bank where stadium packed out yeah a day before the Avalon cluster before the Avalon cluster and then and the week of the fight restrictions had been eased the week of the fight so you know everything was just going perfectly and then a day later the Avalon things happened happened yeah and um so we dodged a bullet like rose boys took off the news rose boys took off the news sir and it was done and before that you know we had the Townsville fight while things were were limited in Sydney and and then after that we've been really lucky the the probably the one that we that we had the most difficulty with was the uh July fight with Tim Zou Steve Spark and we got um we had great numbers there and then that got reduced to like 50 percent or 25 percent or something the week of the fight and and and all credit to Steve Spark with Tawn McKidd just stepped up at the last minute uh there was a fighter who was up against um Tim Zou and in the Newcastle Sue Castle that was the yeah some of your best some of your best work was Sue Castle yeah so the fighter drops out at the last what was the time module working there oh man that that was a very testing time as well I mean and like you said a massive credit to Stevie Spark yeah to step up against Australia's best boxer yeah you know on seven days notice a week's notice yeah ready to go and was he pulling beers he was pulling beers pretty much pulling beers and then within hours he's on a charter flight flying down to Newcastle and he rolled in rolled in the door that night just as the um the promo for for Zeus Spark had just been first first released and um I mean Fox did a great job of turning that around yeah he's walked in just as it's rolled on and he's gone and he did he made you know we're talking as you're saying preparation he didn't have the preparation he's he's got he's a natural talent yeah he got through a couple rounds there too which was um it was a good show for everyone especially after yeah they'd had up there mate he's a very good fighter he's a really good fighter and while he trains every day when you prepare for an actual fight the the training prep is a lot different you know he's active every day and he's in the gym every day but to prepare for a fight you know it's a it's a next level preparation so yeah you know he wasn't going to take a backward step and up against a fighter like Timmy too you know like as you're saying is he's the best in the country you know like he wasn't going out to fight a plumber exactly you know it's it's it's literally the hardest possible fight he could have had in the country yeah yeah you know um can you tell me tell me a little bit about the prodigal son i know he doesn't like being referred to that because he's obviously uh he's proven his mettle yeah but what is it about this zoo family like how do they prepare is it is it hardcore russian discipline how do they do this i've never seen anything like it in both costa and timmy they're just always the fittest they're always the fittest yeah they're always standing he's getting out of the ring and jumping and jumping on the panel and sitting there for half an hour and just chilled like it's crazy right i mean tim uses the same team that costa used yeah so all of his training all the people around him are all the same people that costa had around him and i know for for our era like growing up you know costa zoo was was a beast man like he was he was you know an idol for everyone so many people grew the ratty just because of just because of costa because he looked like he you know he looked like a killer and he trained like a killer the and and the thing with with tim and and his family is that they've grown up around that their whole life too they've been very close around that boxing life and the boxing lifestyle and um you know as we saw on all access you know timmy when he was a young kid training and i think i think the the quote that he had he must have been he must have been only a young teenager at the time his quote was like we don't we don't lose we don't lose in this family all we do is win you know so that was a that winner's attitude that he's always had and and um you know you see him take that in to his professional boxing now he's just he's so focused he trains hard and he turns up and he just rips and tears you've been privy to his preparation are we talking like an hour skipping like what is it there's that kind of stuff going on is there like in a minute fasting or you man i i don't get i don't get too much around his training because i know like i understand how hard it is and i don't want to be any sort of distraction in any way you know i leave all of their training up to up to him and his team and let them do their thing and so when you know it's funny we had a yarn about it recently is like when it comes to fight time where you know we're both on different levels for us we're all about hype pump it up you know let's get excited it's fight time and for him it's like it's it's cutting them last few kilograms of weight yeah get in the side focused and getting right in the zone so he's getting super intense and we're getting super excited so letting off the confetti there's two different energies going on at the same time but um so so it's good if i if i can keep as much distance from him as possible you've come a long way since our last interview back then we were talking about you guys have been working with nrel players and stuff you know which was a natural kind of pathway for you because as an ex player you know particularly working with kuri footballers you know you yourself as an ex you know ex kuri footballer you know one of the original all-stars gorgeous george had the big rose shaved in the side of the head i do remember that when wendell played the didgeridoo on the side post yeah um you've moved in like well you've been involved in events you and your brothers but you've moved in leaps and bounds when we spoke last time you had gallen signed to three fights yep yeah and i think i think at that point it was like hopper was about to happen yeah yes yes it was yeah and he actually gave us tickets as we thought hopper wadi had died um we stopped filming because we were like jeez hopper but the best thing about hopper was he got up after five or so minutes and demanded the ref continue the fight it's like hope everyone just went to the toilet went to the bar and then from there you start getting you had a lot of footballs a lot of people involved and you also had the you know on the card you also always had the camilleries and the and you know the actual kind of seasoned fighters but now you're talking as you said before you're doing double headers you've got three fights in three weeks how do you and your brothers operate how did how did that happen so quickly look oh there's been a lot of hard work that's gone into it i think finding the right partners the right people to work with along the way has had a massive influence on it yeah i think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to deliver an excellent product as well and we've been we've been blessed with the fact that fighters on our cards have delivered every time they turn up and they really they really put it on we try and put some really quality matchups on and the fighters themselves have repaid us in turning up and having a red hot crack and making it entertaining for the people because the more entertaining the night is the more people keep coming back the more people keep watching and that's what we've just been doing is work on getting them great fights together work on the the the fight experience when people come you're not coming just to watch the fights you're coming to experience an event and it's the it's the entertainment between the fights you know before you know it another fight rolls out you're just having a little bit of fun on the kiss cam and passion passion the bloke next year yeah yeah yeah and and then now next thing you know you really got caught out on that one actually didn't and and that's what we we want that whole experience to be good we don't just want it to be you know just a just a knockabout thing we want it to be your shaman yeah that's when that's what we're there for it and and we've managed to find a few shaman along the way too to be on the card and and that's what we've been lucky with too is there's the guys who we get on they want to fight they want to get amongst it even with the footy guys the footy guys who are getting amongst it yeah they're guys who who truly want to have a red hot crack i said before that you like a no longer you know recognized solely as georgie rose of sea eagles briefly shipwinning seagulls previous shipwinning seagulls uh all stars uh st george and then briefly melbourne fame you're now synonymous georgie rose gorgeous george rose you know from no limit boxing you're a promoter you're standing between the fighters but i'll tell you who else has done this made that transition is gallen he's now known as a boxer you know what i mean and was he always about that or did it start as a novelty thing for him a cash grab because now he's just ready to fight anyone and beating them yeah well i think that's the thing is it a bit like ourselves it's something that he did you know just to experience for the first time he found he was really good at it he kept winning and he kept winning and he kept making money and he kept getting people watching people want to watch him either lose or win you know a lot of people hate him a lot of people love him and it's the same with us we started off doing it to help some guys out and we got really good at it yeah and we were getting better and better and we've grown and it's the same with gal like man he he still hasn't been beat by by any other footballer no he's challenged you know he beat lucas brown former world world heavyweight champion yeah and then lost lost in the australian title fight he actually fought for an australian title yeah and also the the young fellow that he was fighting there in the last one um justice honey yeah like that that kid was heading to the olympics yeah that and he only it's a serious box he went all was it how many 10 rounds yeah he went to full 10 with him and then went to the olympics well no the kid you know justice couldn't make it in the end because he hurt his hand in that fight punching gallons titanium head so like we are talking you know a heavyweight boxing yeah he's not just a crinola captain oh definitely definitely he's he's the real deal and and he's ranked because of it you're lucky he's he's he's got good wins on his record yeah what the up here in queensland you would be able to sell out the biggest stadium in the world if you put paul gallen up against tyson fury oh so come and watch paul gallen fight tyson fury i think tyson fury actually likes him he did he did an interview recently and said that the gal's got big balls he quite likes him yeah because you've got to imagine these guys are watching every fight that's happening in the world particularly in their division so yeah he would have seen he would have seen gal fighting and the heavyweights are entertaining they're they are really entertaining and i do think i do honestly think that there's there's opportunity for nrl players in the in the boxing game because guys who play footy they're generally very athletic you know very fit and and tough as nails like and and there's there's half of the job done yeah already you you know you've got to obviously you've got to have to have the skill to go with it there's a lot of skill required in it but in the heavyweights if you hit hard yeah and you're athletic it's kind of one punch stuff halfway there yeah it's and and and you know bam bam came out of football too he spent he spent a long time training and stuff yeah yeah he's um you'll get him one of these days the lights of the usc kind of uh you know well when he's fought everyone there he'll just come down here who you put him up against you reckon absolutely anyone who wants him sorry gal it's over pal so let's talk about the fight that's coming up on wednesday with uh takeshi what's his reputation like as a fighter well he's only lost one fight um and that was in a world title fight against a very reputable uh champion so to lose to to have that as the only loss on his record that's a good start he's also number seven in the world wbo number seven and um he's the best fighter coming out of japan so yeah yeah it's it's a tough fight and i mean the and the hard thing is is you know i've been trying to explain to everyone is that we all love timmy we all think timmy's gonna win he's gonna beat anyone you put him in against you know anyone in the world he's gonna win because we love him yeah but the fact is is that if he's not 100 if he doesn't turn up and give absolutely 100 to win this fight yeah you know he's at high risk yes she is a really good fighter he actually looks the part like if you were to cast a movie about like the opponent from japan that's what he'd look like he'd look like yeah takeshi in a way he's a good looking rooster he's a good looking and he's fucking jacked i'll tell you that much he turned up and ripped his shirt off at the at the open media session the other day and everyone was like holy shit and then he starts sweating and it's looked like it looks like he's all up his body for the cameras and like far out i would not wear a shirt he did sit in over here mate he'd be strutting around bondi now tell me who else you got who else you got come up because you got as you said you got three you got three and three weeks yeah so then then we've got a double header that we're going to do in newcastle on the 9th and 10th of december so three weeks after that we're heading up there and we'll have andrew maloney great aussie boxer he'll be headlining the thursday night into the friday night which will have littered with the with the footy fights yeah you know we'll have gallen and and alawa heading headlining that one yeah harry garcide's going to make his professional debut on that one yeah joey leilu and chris highington looking forward to that one exciting fight we've got some young guys on there as well too so there's a few more to finalize and announce yeah in in the coming days so have you who have you got your eyes on coming through the ranks obviously you're keeping it's your job to figure out who's gonna who's gonna put on a show yeah and who's going to go the distance if you see any young fellas coming through well two guys that we've just signed recently harry garcide and sam goodman yeah both really good young fighters and and two that i'm excited about you know harry we saw what he did at the olympics and you know everyone's keen to see what he can do in the professional ranks and and from from all reports i think he's going to have a really solid career and and we're we're excited to be a part of that we're excited that we've got him on our shows to be a part of that um as i mentioned another good young guy sam goodman yeah mate he's got a 900 record he's a he's an absolute weapon and everyone in the boxing ranks always talk about you know who's the top prospects they talk about leon wilson's great and they talk about sam sam goodman who's another one who is uh you know potential world champion and for us it fits perfect with us he's a guy that i don't think anybody's seen enough of him yet um so to have him on our shows we're going to give him that platform that he deserves and you're just going to see how good he is you know his actions are going to speak for themself and but they're they're two young guys that we've got that we're we're really excited about another big heavyweight uh jackson murray keeping an eye on him he's only had one fight he fought on on our woolongong card and uh had a knockout victory there and you know me i love heavyweights man yeah yeah yeah well i mean as a as a young man you only ever fought on the pebbles of course in the streets about this but you were we would classify you as a heavyweight back then from the oxford hotel either fight or run fight win to win fight flight or freeze yeah you win the race it's still um so tell us a little i just want to talk about that uh sue horn fight up in townsville what was it called tropic thunder yeah that was some good marketing how was that do you i mean obviously everything was going on in the world but townsville was free and queensland was out and about what was that like uh well i wouldn't actually know so i was sitting back here in sydney doing all all of the admin and paperwork back here trying to get myself up there but but also doing everything else that needed to be done here and um the rest of the team oh yeah okay so so why don't you any of your brothers get up there yeah yeah so they got up there and they said that it was that it was epic you know like tim actually had a massive following up there even though it was in jeff's backyard yeah um i think as the fight went on and and tim was really starting to dominate the people who were sort of you know not 100 on horn they started jumping over onto the zoo bandwagon so great stadium up there great weather as always in in uh queensland and mate epic fight from timmy zoo like he he just i think that was that was really his coming out party you know he he turned up against a former champion and um really dominated him for the entirety of that fight it was it was amazing and i was sitting at home here and like i was watching every punch i was like shit he's gonna win this yeah yeah because i got nervous leading up to it right i got really nervous about the fight i'm always confident in timmy oh you know i like i said i think about everyone in the world but all of the top notch boxing guys in the interviews leading up to it they were all saying yeah you know timmy zoo's a great guy but horns got this one horns got this one wrapped up and all the top guys are saying that non-stop i started thinking holy shit are we we're in a bit of trouble here yeah yeah but then he come out and he just absolutely turned it on i'm watching at home and it's just like this is the best and then at the same time i'm thinking fuck i'm sitting on my couch i'm not up there this is the worst this is the worst it was it was a handing of the torch too you know what i mean yeah i mean yeah because horn had been horn had seen those heights like you know manny pacquiao at suncorp yeah it was a big day yeah and horn himself too was a bit of like he was a bolt from the blue himself yeah like you know he wasn't around for very long before he was champion no and then that win against pacquiao like i was there that day it was mate it was unbelievable like you know horn wasn't our fighter but i was cheering for him yeah i was cheering for him a hundred percent like that was amazing like that was so cool like many pacquiao's an absolute legend getting a win like that that's so cool so i mean apart from this amazing fight you managed to put together which you know in this as we said before in this day and age to get this japanese fighter number seven in the world into sydney for a fight is impressive who else is there out there in in the world for tim for timmy anyway for tim look well at the moment he's mandatory challenger for the world title so a lot of work went into that we got that over the line but where it sits at the moment is that there's two champions in his weight division so there's the four sanctioning bodies and there's two champions that hold the titles over over those four bodies and they they fought recently had a controversial draw and they're aiming for a rematch so while tim's mandated a shot at the title um he's got to wait to see what happens with that rematch and and where he sits in it if the rematch doesn't go ahead hopefully next fight is tim's world title yeah against uh against brian castano yeah the argentinian yes yes and he's a very good fighter yeah he's a very good fighter and i i actually thought that he won the fight against charlo yeah um i thought he did a great job there and love a controversial draw though i was just about to say they'd be loving oh no we've got to run it back oh no everyone keep your tickets we're gonna do it again so yeah that was another question i wanted to ask it's like you know it's the game you're in now and you know big players it's a cowboy game i mean obviously you've managed to navigate the australian boxing but you start talking about promoters in argentina and shit do you reckon as as you know a couple brothers from walgert western new south wales you know you came equipped for this industry look i think a lot of it's been learning on the run yeah right and had some great lessons had some really hard lessons yeah and some great lessons but i think uh where we're at at the moment i think we're in a really good place but we're not we're not getting comfortable yeah we're not getting comfortable we want to keep growing we want to keep keep bringing good fights and keep doing doing good things because i mean i think it's a bit like footy you know you're only as good as your last game and for us we're only as good as our last fight yeah um so we've got to keep keep bringing the goods keep putting on the good matchups the big fights and and keep entertaining people that's what it's all about like when when we sit around and talk about the fights that we want to match it's about entertainment as well if that's a fight that i want to see then i assume that other people want to see that too or they will enjoy it if they get the opportunity to watch it what's it like what's the difference between working with boxers and working with footballers tell me that because you've got you know you've got some of the best talent in the nrel you're working quite closely with in the shape of you know cody walker latrell mitchell jack whiten yeah two different worlds there i'm guessing like boxes disappear for months at a time and and you know train every day and then football is a very much it's a job it's you know they treat it like a job like that rather than a rather than a purpose for being you know boxes are like this is who i am this is like i suppose a boxer would be more like a contractor yeah yeah well i think the thing that stands out for me the most is um as a footy player if you have a shit game you can rock up seven days later and completely turn that around so you you might get sprayed for for four days saying they're terrible they're terrible put a line through them i mean well for the bunnies for example last year they got beat by 50 points in a game and they said you know put a line through them they're done they turned around and won a heap of games and people forgot all about that yeah yeah whereas as a fighter you lose a fight it could be anything from you know three to six twelve months before you get the chance to redeem yourself and the lead into it you've got it you've got a three-month preparation leading into it so there's a lot that goes into it the discipline level is probably the other thing for fighters is that while they both train very hard they're both very focused on their craft you know footy players and boxers as a boxer you've got to be sober so much more disciplined the the weight cuts watching what you eat watching what you do can't have a beer with the boys all of that stuff like they are they are so strict with everything they do as an athlete but they have to yeah yeah and you can't play like two-thirds of the game and then and then just walk off you can't get tired and sneak down the sideline for you take these couple of punches for me mate i'm gonna go and chill out over here on the ropes yeah yeah and footballers do kind of because they're training every day they can roll the dice on a couple beers yeah 100% on the weekend after a match and i think the people that that aren't so shredded usually make the the best footballers oh absolutely yes yeah i would i would absolutely believe that no you you you um it was actually i was looking over your career heading into this and there were i did find you won a premiership that premiership you scored a couple tries that season too that was your that was your glow up and probably at your huskiest i think you're moving the fasters and you're getting through the holes um but then you uh what team what season was it when you were jacked i'm looking for that first i want to get a photo up of that of that haircut you had at the all-stars match because i think that's the season i'm talking about when you yeah oh yeah i was i was in good shape that year yeah that was yeah what year was that 2010 2010 that was you were yeah you were a dime piece georgie i was oh you know i was getting i was getting photos with my shirt off and stuff like that there was some definition i think i had a two-pack i'm positive i had a two-pack i've never had a six or an eight but it's overrated yeah yeah and i felt like two-pack with the shirt off yeah yeah also you were part of a team which was full of like uh how would you say uh icons yeah sex icons so cutting around with the did you ever become a surfy have you ever tried to surf so the surfing part of it's really cool have you tried to paddle out though you try to paddle the first time i did it it took me like half an hour to paddle out and i got out there and i just laid on the board for like like 10 minutes and then we're talking we're talking big mal or yeah of course i wasn't gonna fit on anything else but i got out there and i was wrecked and then and then the second time i did it again took me 40 minutes to paddle out the second time and then i was stuffed laid out there on the board and then i got motion sickness in the waves while i was laying there and it wasn't a good experience but i did stand up like you come in on the wave and then you jump into the rip and it takes you straight out in two seconds yeah and that's all right if you're not 120 kilos it doesn't move as quick when you're 120 plus i was scared of rips too like i'm a muddy water guy so yeah yeah i catch waves in the muddy water that's uh one thing i want to talk to you about um you know muddy water out there in walgert and you know you guys have a history of winning a lot of football matches in the shape of the walgert aboriginal connection yes what are you looking like moving forward this hasn't been a knockout for a while what are you looking like 2022 mate it's it's such a uh it's so up in the air like two years is a long time a lot happens like even when when knockouts are rolling through regular yeah a lot happens from from year to year so it's still it's still south coast new south wales meant to host because they won in 2019 so they're the they're the third year running champions they've won at once but they've carried the title for the third year running and and you know i don't know oh it's the 50th anniversary coming up yeah and i was training my ass off too because i want to play in the 50th anniversary yeah so i've been training for like two years and nothing's happening and i feel myself getting older yeah i feel myself i'm like they're trying to they're trying to get me out of it i'm playing in the 50th no matter what i'm going to be there but it's the new faces for me that you know there's going to be young guys who were on the fringe you know two years ago who were now going to be in their prime that people don't know about yeah and so we're going to turn up thinking that that we're the grouse we've got some good young guys ourselves though too don't worry about that yeah i mean the curry knockout's an interesting one because it's like you never know which town's going to pop i mean south was that their first ever season south coast cockatoos i remember actually because we went into one of your fights and there were the cockatoos with it and it was just a couple months after that uh there was a bit of leering up yeah you get the right too though you win the knockout you get the right to layer up yeah i mean i remember being like oh we're in royalty here we've got a whole row of now a man who just bloody the one that the ko in the first ever season yeah i mean wall street warriors yeah they might be one to keep an eye on if english kind of comes back from england yep yeah well he's he's back for it he's back is he yeah so it'll be interesting to see what happens with them i'm i'm hearing talk up around newcastle that that the that you know the yaois and all blacks you know they they might not be a separate side anymore i don't know okay so that might be the biggest thing on this podcast the newcastle teams are so strong they're they've been the strongest the last 10 years the newcastle teams have been in the mix for you know on that monday for the last 10 years but they've got such a strong competition up there the the competition's really good and um you can say the same about the south coast but that's the first time that they've won it so you know who knows if they'll kick on and get a few more but wac will be there we've got some young guys who are in really good shape at the moment we just got to make sure we get a good season of footy and we're coming to win it we're not coming to participate do you reckon there'll be a red cliff dolphins no limit fight as in like it's just dolphins dolphin stadium just dolphins yeah yeah mate i'd love to go there yeah i think they've got a great venue and and yeah i think queenslanders get behind sport queenslanders really do get behind sport i know i love that i love that i think you know queenslanders are a lot like me i didn't hate them so much in june and july i feel like i'd actually like you people a lot more yeah no we um look we're good people mate um and we turn up to your events so we turn up to your events well straight to straight george rose and and your brothers got a block going on we're excited for this for this next fight in a way versus sue in on wednesday wednesday this wednesday this wednesday yeah two nights from now yep and you can watch that on your main event through ko yes yes main event ko yeah i mean ko is great you can watch it on your phone anywhere no matter where you are yeah you can just you can get on watch it anywhere and if you're in sydney why not go down yeah you know what i mean it's uh you're allowed to go to stadiums now you yeah and go you're allowed to go anywhere you want in new south wales it's just you can't go anywhere else no other state will have you yeah yeah yeah yeah so besides victoria Victoria well and it is it's a good show we do put on a good show i can guarantee that if you come along i think you'll enjoy it and we're always open to feedback so feel free to share any feedback and if there's any fights that you think you want to see let us know yeah i love putting on good for us okay uh i'd like to see thiday versus himself in the mirror yeah who wins that there's too much love there no yeah i'd say i'd like to see sam thiday and john ailes oh okay sure john ailes glove he's more of a more of a boardroom kind of guy now that's why it'd be so interesting all right that's good that's the call out and then john eales we want to see you in the ring john no he's nice he's past it now you never reach on him yeah and i have it on good authority if you go to these events i'm on good authority because i've been to one myself georgie rose is in charge of the playlist in between the entrance songs so if you like listening to whap by cardi b or john bonjovi yeah um he's got an array of uh of uh music in that playlist and it's always a good time it's always a party so um what's timmy walking out to mate it's a surprise well you know ever since we did the big entry for him yeah yeah we we've sort of created a bit of a beast there so we want to make it a an exciting entry every time he comes oh we look forward to it mate thanks for joining us no thanks for having me guys good luck smuggling me back across the border but just like everything it's easier on the way out than on the way |
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You're listening to the Batooter Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Clancy Overall, editor of the Batooter Advocate. Here just quickly, while we've got ya, have a listen on Monday to our chat with iconic cricketer and Mr. Who Dares Wins, Mike Whitney. He's got some ripper stories and some great ideas about things. So we've chucked a little snippet about the late great Richie Benno at the end of the bulletin to get you in the mood for Monday. Look forward to talking to you then. Now over to Desert Rock FM news reader, Bruce Hitchcock. G'day, I'm Bruce Hitchcock and you're listening to Weekly Batooter News Bulletin. Coming to you from Koala Studios in downtown Batooter. Here are the top stories from the Batooter Advocate, Australia's oldest and most respected newspaper.
First up, a former no-voter from last year's plebiscite has finally worked up enough energy to focus on her next cause, the ban on plastic bags. After an unsuccessful 18 months spent campaigning against societal decay, a prominent Batooter-based no-voter spent a good portion of December and January focusing on her new chili garden and her neighbour's inability to keep the branches of his poinciana to his side of the fenceline. But now, she's back. Channelling her energy towards complaining about a ban on plastic bags, which she says is just another example of lefties telling people what to do. Tony says that Woolworth's national roll-out of a reusable plastic bag system is cultural left nonsense, because there's no way, in her mind, that Australia could be responsible for 3.2 billion plastic bags in the national waste cycle. Josh Harvey from the Batooter Ponds commented on our story, saying that the plastic bag ban is cultural Marxism at its very worst.
And elsewhere around town, a local men's rights activist has this week aggressively insisted that he would never assault a woman. That is, of course, if he'd ever had anything to do with one. "#NotAllMen," said Keenan Fogel in the days since the tragic incident in Melbourne sparked a national debate over the safety of women in our country. Keenan has taken it upon himself to tell anyone that will listen that men can be victims too, and that perhaps now is the time to talk about that. He reckons that feminists blaming men for things men do to women in this country aren't taking into account the things he hasn't done to women. Keenan attributes his stance to the fact that, while most men his age are being normal cunts and out-socialising with friends on a Friday night, he spends his time researching statistics on unreported female on male assaults, and working tirelessly to disprove the myth that there might be a slight slant towards gendered violence in this country. Alicia Jordan from the Golf Course Estate texts Clancy, our editor this week, saying that she'd bet the house on Keenan being able to prove that gendered violence is an open and shut case because he has an example of a wife killing a husband once.
Elsewhere around town, and it's been confirmed that a local man who is absolutely abhorrent at playing pool can't blame it on a lack of chalk. The 28-year-old man named Seb Birmingham is yet to ever admit that he's actually very shit at the popular pub game, seeming to have an excuse every time he shanks it across the table. Throughout his last two dismal losses yesterday, Seb blamed the table for being not level, the cramped space between the table and the pub's wall, as well as the fact that there's no queues long enough for someone of his height, based off some wild conspiracy about queues needing to be exactly as tall as your chin. His most recent break, which potted the white ball and very nearly sunk the black, has garnered sneers from the old blokes in the betting corner of the pub, who usually don't pay any attention to the young fellas unless they are this bad at pool. At the time of press, Seb was seen scowling at people for being too loud near the bar, as if to say it was distracting him from bringing out his A-game.
To other local news now, a young graduate awoke in horror this morning, after remembering that she might have dropped it like it's hot at her first-ever staff drinks last night. After spending a while building up a professional facade, young Ava Rose confessed to our reporters that it may have all been for nothing. Not one to shy away from a drink when she's out around mates that know exactly what she's like after a few pints of name-brand rose. The 24-year-old promised herself early on in the piece that she'd try to keep a lid on her out-of-office-hours persona in front of her new work colleagues. However, as the white girl Holy Water began to sully her empty stomach, the plan was out the window, and she told our reporters that things were dropped like they were hot. Today is going to be absolute hell, Rose said to us.
And in other news around Batutah, a punter who bet on the number of corners in a World Cup game last night reckons he could stop betting right now if he wanted to. Oliver Brandon has assured the advocate that he could stop gambling literally any time if he felt like it. The 27-year-old solicitor at Adams and Adams in the French Quarter, who would reportedly bet on two flies walking up a wall, sat down with our reporters to outline why his girlfriend and his friends' concerns about him are unfounded. The man who had a nudge on some South Korean volleyball match the other day said, Nah, seriously though.
Like, if I actually wanted to stop, I could stop tomorrow, you know what I mean? But I don't want to stop, so I'm not going to. But I could if I felt like it, you know what I'm saying.
In sports now, and the season just keeps getting worse for the parameter eels, in sensational rugby league news, the besieged eels have found a way to lose the bye match. Paramedic coach Brad Arthur confirmed he was disappointed with the result as the eels become the first team ever to be unsuccessful at receiving two points during their designated round off, in what some commentators are calling the even more darkest day ever in Australian sport.
Clancy here again. Here's our quick snippet from the Mike Whitney chat mentioned earlier, talking about the late Richie Benno lighting him up. And his memory, Richie. He told me something in the nets in 1977 at Coogee and on the 1991 tour of the West Indies I asked him about a couple of things I said, can I see you down at the pool? And he went, yeah. And even when I went down the pool he was still banging it out on the old typewriter and I went like this Excuse me, Rich. It's like, don't fucking move don't say another word. And then this one. He walked out had this half an hour conversation about bowling in the West Indies and as I was leaving he made this comment Nice to see you pitching a few more up, Michael and I looked at him because he'd come down to watch me bowl in the nets as an 18 year old at Coogee and I just ran in and bounced the fucking shit out of everybody in the nets trying to impress him and he called me over with Phil Trestler and this is all he said that day I would have liked to have seen you pitch a few more up. So fast forward to 1991 that's the closing statement and I looked at him and he went Coogee Oval, 77 I went of course I remember you bouncing the shit out of all of your fucking teammates at Coogee Oval and then this was well, good to see you pitching some more up now you're in the Australian team and you're bowling pretty well Me, like pissy little Mike and Whitney Anyway, that's it for the News Wrap this week Thanks for listening Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock for details |
cracked | why_are_there_so_many_dirty_magazines_in_the_woods | How about how in the 90s only cool girls could wear scrunchies? What about wits porn?
Wait a minute, what?
Missed out under the microscope Actually, no, I had never heard of wits porn I mean, I vaguely understood the trope You know kids skipping school going into the woods to try and find some hidden stashes of nudie magazines and then getting brutally murdered instead I thought it was like an old cautionary tale Don't go looking for porn in the woods kids or a haggard old man who lives in the forest might kidnap you forever A simple urban legend to teach kids a lesson. I had no idea that wits porn itself was an actual thing You would like go to the woods and try to and find porn It's a thing in case you're like me and you didn't grow up before the internet Wits porn is random stashes of porn hidden throughout the great american woods My children and truthfully adults alike to maybe get lucky and stumble upon long before the internet reached every home I pretty much grew up with dial-ups So if I wanted to ogle some body parts All I needed to do is hijack the phone line and spend 30 minutes downloading a single picture Who needs the wood when you've got that kind of computing power? I never truly lived the nightmare that gen x and all generations before that lived the pre-internet days When video games were just glorified moving pixels and there was no such thing as non-dairy milk Not that I was cool enough to watch porn as a kid I was too busy making my dolls kiss But this idea that the american youth of yesteryear Apparently couldn't help tripping over stacks of porn in the woods all the time felt like a fake story Like some kind of 90s urban legend like one of those forwarding chains where it's like you have been cursed by the love wizard If you don't forward to five people your crush will never fall in love with you Only instead if you go into the woods looking for porn the pope will haunt your dreams forever or something I don't know. I grew up with catholic guilt But the more I put my computer on incognito mode and googled woods porn the more I discovered this was a real thing Apparently it was so common that so many men of a certain age have their own anecdote of finding porn in the woods claiming porn in the woods It's a thing Porn in the woods is a thing as an example.
There are a handful of articles on the subject I learned that tons of famous celebrities first saw a naked lady out in the woods in this playboy interview of nathan fillian from 2014 he says on his way to school He'd bike through a field where there were three large pine trees with makeshift Stepboards on the side of them that you'd climb to reach the top and when you did you'd find a secret stash of playboy magazines In a passionate decry against internet porn in a cell for an article for playboy patin Oswald longingly begs the reader to return to the good old days of finding a joyous stack of playboys in the woods Saying that it's a rite of passage that is crucial for our nation's future and indeed the future of our world the joy the Satisfaction and engaging of the five senses when one finds their own porno mags in the woods It honestly sounds lovely He then urges the reader to leave some magazines for future generations to come see what I did there Okay, gross and finally will we in somebody get the smelling salts. I think i'm seeing double Will we in one of the many stars in stand by me a film that seems to be built on the exact cautionary tale I mentioned earlier in coincidentally an interview with patin Oswald also for playboy mentions how he used to have to find his playboys from his brother or another kid who had them And hid them in the woods. Well, it wasn't just a phenomenon that existed with men Comedian Tig Notaro and yet another interview with playboy in 2015 says Well, I lived by a very underdeveloped area and there were a lot of woods out there and there were playboys stashed in those woods And my friends and I would build ports in the woods. It was just me and my friends girls We were just like what are these magazines? All these interviews are for playboy and all these interviews are about playboys in the woods It really makes you think about the naked magazines industrial complex playboy.
Is it you?
Were you the ones leaving port in the woods so that american children and wandering husbands would find them and spread the good word on woods porn? Or were kids just as horny before the internet and needed to find places to hide their physical stashes and leave them Somewhere where mom wouldn't wander. I guess that makes total sense Surprisingly, this concept is rarely depicted on screen and it's more of a premise for larger plot lines horror and adventure alike to unfold Preteen 70s or 80s kids would go mess around in the woods Maybe look at some dirty magazines and bam a weird haggled old man comes in and kills the vibe Maybe you go in the woods for a veiled adventure and end up finding a dead body of a neighborhood boy While I was hard pressed for physical evidence outside of playboy articles and anecdotes from gen x are sharing their stories I did find tons of message boards where everyone says the same thing woods porn It's common sense. You spend your days out hanging out with kids in the neighborhood You're bound to end up in the woods and you're bound to find someone's hidden stash of secret playboys It's just kind of taken for granted a shared bonding experience for all you pre-internet pre-pubescent folks Maybe people think that it's less common than they think until they sit down and casually woods porn comes up in conversation Maybe it's embarrassing to remember the days as a pre-teen where you would spend your day searching and sweating through your remote suburban woods Just to maybe peep an elusive body part or two. Maybe we are losing something with the internet We're losing the appreciation of the hard work and reward We're losing the sense of adventure the camaraderie and loyalty among friends the teamwork and brain power to undergo the most high stakes scavenger hunt the subtlety of a picture of a woman in a bikini as opposed to Whatever the heck weird stuff you want at a click of a button So go out there adults 18 or over lace up your converse shoes adorn your best striped shirt and bomber jacket And spend your day on a hike But maybe it's actually a coveted and secret mission to find vintage playboys in our nation's woods Have you ever had a woods porn legend in your town? Let us know in the comments below and remember to like and subscribe I hope this video is worth it for you because um, I think I've ruined my youtube algorithm incognito mode could only go so far coming up in my ads so camping gear No, woods porn almost feels like it could be like a goosebumps thing only goose humps |
dropout | pro_wrestling_battlestar_galactica | From Faco to Mako, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us today, we have Adam Lustick. Hello. And Dan Black. What's up? He's the bad boy of the group. And of course, Jackie Cation. Hello and welcome to my seat.
So if you haven't played with us before, I have here a stack of statements. These are false statements about the franchises that are nearest and dearest to your hearts, or if not your hearts, someone's. Some fandom is deeply passionate about the things I'm going to be talking about here.
And it's up to you to find the thing that's wrong and correct me. There's only two rules. The first is that all your corrections must be preceded by the phrase, um, actually. If you don't say, um, actually, you won't get a point. The second is that you can interrupt me at any time, just like in real life. It doesn't matter what I'm trying to say. What's important is that you stop any wrong thing that I'm saying to prove how smart you are.
If you feel ready to jump into this. Yes. I feel like a million bucks. Um, actually, we've already begun. That's true. You best start believing in game shows. I don't know what I'm doing.
Jackie.
Vorlons. Um, actually, they're not Vorlons, but I can't remember what they are. I will give you the point unless someone can tell me what they are. Um, actually, they're vorn-a-clocks. They are not vorn-a-clocks, though. Um, actually, they're not Vorlons, nor vorn-a-clocks. It's pronounced vorn-a-crocks.
Yeah, it's all about the pronunciation. It's right here. It's like, you gotta make sure that you, like, you, like, respect their language. French derivative. No, that's incorrect. Uh, Jackie, we're gonna go ahead and give you the point. Yes!
They're not Vorlons, they're Cylon. Cylons are Battlestar Galactica. Cylons.
Moving along. This is about American gods. American gods. Alright. While Shadowmoon is nominally on the side of the old gods, they are not necessarily paragons of virtue.
Mr. Wednesday is a liar, cheat, and grifter.
Mad Sweeney is a drunken brawler, and Bilquis, goddess of love, slits the throats of men who sleep with her. Jackie. She doesn't slit the throats, doesn't she consume them?
Uh, yes. Um, actually... No! Um, actually, she consumes them. You know what? I jumped the gun on saying yes, but you know what? Dan's gonna swoop in there and steal it. Oh, man! No!
Look, there's one rule in this game, and I'm constantly forgetting that it's like, you know, I have to say, um, actually, yeah. It's the only rule!
Can you be specific in the manner in which she consumes them? Oh, yeah, of course. With a fork and knife. And then it couldn't be farther. She actually, uh, consumes them through her vagina while they have sex. Hey, now. Yep. Yeah, but inside there's a fork and knife.
Have you been inside a vagina, you creep? I can't say that I have, sorry.
Yeah, well, if you get up in there, there's a full silverware set. Here they go. This is a question about pro wrestling. Oh, I got this. In the fall of 1990, a giant egg appeared at professional wrestling events across the country before eventually hatching at the Survivor Series, revealing the red rooster to the delight of the crowd at Hartford, Connecticut.
Uh, actually, it was New Haven, Connecticut. Uh, no, no. That's very, very funny. It's like, you idiots. You're in the wrong particular town in Connecticut. Uh, Stan.
I'm blanking, but it's, um, actually, it's not the red rooster. It was the red turkey. It was not the red turkey.
It's very funny how close you've gotten. Gobble something. You're on it. You're... Ah, um, actually, it's the gobbledygook. You?
I know what this is, but I... I'm going to say that's close enough. It wasn't the red rooster. It was the gobbledygooker. Yeah, see? See, I know what this is. I'm just blanking on it. I always say I'm a professional wrestling fan, not a historian. Sure. This game is definitely going to ask you to dig deep sometimes with being like, what the fuck was that thing? The first event I saw was 91 in Nassau Coliseum.
So the gobbledygooker predates you? Yeah, but in wrestling fandom, it's kind of like a throwaway reference. Like, the gobbledygooker, but I never knew how to say it.
Yeah, I love that it's just like this giant turkey that everyone just hated immediately. It's like, here it is. You've been waiting for it to have all this buildup to a thing that just flopped so hard. It's just like, why is that a big turkey? It's funny.
I never looked that up. I always heard of it, and I never hit YouTube for that. You didn't hear gobbledygooker.
It's like, I got to know more. This is about Batman. In The Dark Knight Returns, Batman and Carrie Kelly, the next Robin to follow Jason Todd, face off against a game called the Mutants, genetically altered criminals terrorizing Gotham City. Dan.
Actually, they're not genetically altered. That's correct, actually. Yeah, see, because they have like a patch, right? They're called the Mutants, but they're not actually Mutants. No, I didn't know that.
I read that. It's Frank Miller, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's it for this preview of Um, Actually.
If you liked it, there's a whole lot more waiting for you on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.
I'm Mike Trapp reminding you to get your pets spayed and neutered, and to get your zombie pets obliterated. Zombie pets. They're not the pets you loved anymore.
They're gone. Kill them, kill them.
We're going to ask you to spell something from sci-fi or fantasy. Standard spelling rules apply here, so please say the name before and after you spell so I know when you're done. You're allowed to ask me to use it in a sentence or to ask what property the word is from. Your word is mix-yez-piddly. I'll say it again, mix-yez-piddly. Standard spelling rules apply here, so please say the name before and after you spell so I know when you're done. You're allowed to ask me to use it in a sentence or to ask what property the word is from. Your word is mix-yez-piddly. I'll say it again, mix-yez-piddly. |
dropout | camp_scary_stories | and the man in the clown mask walked out onto the lawn. His act still bloody with the guts of the family he massacred. It disappeared into the night, never to be seen again.
Ooh, that's pretty spooky, huh, guys? Not really. That was lame. Yeah, stupid story. Yeah, I've seen scary things in Gears of War 3. Okay, guys, well, I think we can all agree that Timmy tells awful stories. Your garbage.
Who else has a fun story tonight, huh? You, you, who's up? Who's up next? Come on. What about you, Jayus?
Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Come on, cool dude. I don't know. Come on, cool guy. Yeah, I'll get out, dude.
Garbage. Okay, I'm touching, okay. Yeah, I got a couple of scary stories. Here's one that'll chill you to your bones. Ooh. You ready? Okay. This one time, my dad hit me in a bed agains. Are you done? Yeah, that's it. That's not scary. That's a little raw. Okay, thirsty for gore. All right, well. Thirsty gore.
So this one time, I cut my hand and no one would take me to the hospital. I had to give myself stitches.
Ooh. Okay, well, let's maybe give someone else a chance to. Oh, here's another spooker. All right, this one time, my kid brother locked me in a room with all mirrors. What? Actually, I'm not done. He bound my hands with chicken wire. And the only way out was if I screamed so loud like a little girl until all the glass shattered. That's fucked up. Lucky for you guys, I've got about a ton more terrifying tales where that came from. Maybe one more.
Okay, this one time, I put on water wings and dove to the bottom of my pool. And then, as I was floating back up, my mom positioned herself in a raft directly above me. So when I came up for air, I had a really difficult time getting air.
You've got a real fucked up family. What? Just, you were raising your hand because of?
I got a quick nine. I got a quick nine more. No, no, I think we're good.
Give it to me. Just give it to me, Jarvis. Get the fuck off. This one's a real chiller.
Okay, so when I was eight, my big sister held me down by my hands and her older fat friend held down my feet and another sat on my chest. It was then crushed under the weight of these older fat girls that I knew I would never truly be strong enough.
Like ever for anything. All right, guys, I think it's time for bed. So let's go, check that. Are you sure? Yeah, yeah.
That was a tough conversation. Get me out of here. I could come back and tell you more. Hey man, I'm gonna get you to hang out and make sure the fuck goes out. But I could comment.
We could tell scary stories. I got a lot more stories that came from. I got so many more stories. Thomas, I've got so many more stories!
Where did that came from? I hate my family! Oh my god, dude, dude, dude, you got, you got, dude, I, like, shh, shh, shh, get it off, dude!
The bees? Bees? |
dropout | conversational_ripcord_the_fastest_way_to_leave_a_conversation | Yeah, she's putting on a brave face, but um, fuck man, your mom, yeah, I mean... Sup little guys, what are you drinking, is this water? Just kidding, I'm kidding. Oh god, I shouldn't have come over. No, it's fine. Ever step on a conversational landmine with no clear exit? Ooh. Then you need... The Conversational Rip Corps! Just afraid to get an IUD.
Well, you know, I heard in Trump's America that it's gonna... Trump's America?
Tell me about it, what are we talking about? Birth control. Yep. There's never been an easy way to exit an uncomfortable conversation trap until now. And it's good for any unwanted social snares.
He's just such a dick. You know, he's mean in a quiet way. And he's always talking about how he likes food. It's like, shut up Sam, everyone likes food, you know? He's fucking stupid, and I fucking hate Sam. Sam!
I saw a wheelie. Katie, Katie, are you okay? No, I need you to take me to the hospital. Conversational rip corps. Because there's literally no other way out. Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to college, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
dropout | women_should_be_so_embarrassed_ch_shorts | Tired of your chips being too loud? I can't eat anywhere because of it. Introducing Chomsky's new line of snacks for embarrassed ladies. That's a relief. Wait, you invented soft chips?
Why would you do that? Are you tired of drinking sodas that make you look thirsty? Oh my god, I guess that is what I look like. I'm so embarrassed. You should be.
Did you know 85% of women are drinking the wrong kind of soda? That's Chomsky's new line of teeny tiny soft drinks. You'll be sure to never look thirsty again. That's just a smaller can of soda. Why should she be embarrassed about drinking a normal sized drink?
Are you tired of eating food that leaves trash near your male co-workers? Oh my god, now that you mention it, I am tired of that. Stop it! You're making stuff up. These are all fine things that no one should be embarrassed about, okay? How are you going to invent a food that doesn't create trash?
Oh, someone's got breath. Breath? Just breath? Regular breath? Yeah, I'm breathing. Was it me? If you're tired of creating breath everywhere you go, try Chomsky's new mouth mist. Sure to minimize every big ugly breath into a light whisper. No breath?
That sounds like you're going to suffocate them. You guys are crazy.
Says the lady who sits in chairs. What the fuck is wrong with sitting in a chair?
Uh, nothing, I guess. Okay.
Unless you like having chair butt. Oh my god.
No, am I an idiot? Why have I been sitting in a chair? Am I an idiot? No! Am I an idiot? No!
It's even the real thing. You can't just make us embarrassed about normal shit just to market your... Until I found Chomsky's chair butt, I, like many women over 30, suffered from chair butt. No, you didn't. Chair butt isn't real. Excuse me, yes it is. No, it isn't. But I have it. Listen, if it's so real, then why don't men get it? Glad you asked.
Introducing new Chomsky's chair butt for men. Enhance your chair butt today with our patented ass ripping butt technology. Wait, why do men enhance their chair butt and women have to minimize it? And what is chair butt?
What even is this product? Whoa, you're really breathy all over the place. Stop it! Okay, none of these things are real faux pas.
Really? Yes! Really? Yes! Really?
Shut up! Yes, okay, they're just saying this so that women take up less space. Tired of your voice being way louder than it should be when I'm in the middle of explaining something to you?
No, I'm not, okay? Who the fuck are you, okay?
I'm sick of this! Get out of my way!
Did I just breath in here? I'm so embarrassed.
Thanks for watching. Please subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great! |
cracked | who_needs_a_kindle | I read. A lot. I read on the bus, at meals, during breaks at work, while I masturbate. I mean, while I masturbate during my breaks at work. I love it. I love reading.
But man, I really hate lugging all my books around. I mean, I like to get through at least one book every week. Sometimes seven. Plus a classic and usually some short stories too. Oh and I like to carry around a dictionary in case I come across some word I don't understand. And generally speaking, I like to carry around the complete works of Shakespeare with me at all times. You know, in case I need a really pithy quotation or something.
A book of maths? I wouldn't want to get lost without my book of maths. We call that an atlas. A farmer's almanac to stay on top of things. And no one leaves the house these days without a book on fire safety and CPR, right?
I carry four. The Bible. It's nice to have the Bible around. Plus the Quran and the Torah and some Richard Dawkins books.
You got to hedge your bets, am I right? I'm right. I also think it's important to keep seven or eight copies of The Catcher in the Rye on my person at all times. Cookbooks, a Spanish to English dictionary, back issues of Reader's Digest. I'm not going to lie to you.
All those books get kind of tough to carry around after a while. Finally, Amazon.com created a product just for someone like me. The all new Kindle allows me to carry up to 200 books with me wherever I go. No wagons, no hand trucks, no problems. Just one Kindle. I actually own 11 Kindles. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_ordered_to_pay_83_million_desantis_endorses_trump_snl | The jury in his defamation case has ordered Donald Trump to pay Writer E. Jean Carroll $83.3 million. And Trump is a billionaire, so obviously he immediately hit up your grandma for five bucks. they ordered Trump to pay $83 million. that's how unlikable he is. for perspective, O.j. Simpson only had to pay $33 million for a double murder. he didn't even do it. Okay, well. this trial must have driven Trump crazy. the judge kept telling him to shut up. the jury made him pay triple what the victim asked for. even the courtroom's sketch artist made him look. made him look like that lady who got her face ripped off by a monkey. The only way this could have gone worse for Trump is if they took away his businesses, which is, of course, what happens in next week's trial.
After Ron Desantis endorsed Donald Trump, he called Desantis a really terrific person and promised to stop calling him Ron Desanctimonious. Well, it's like a Wise Man once said, you can be the most worthless republican in America, but if you kiss the ring, he'll say you're wonderful. Well. After the New Hampshire Primary, Nikki Haley attacked Donald Trump and called out his, quote, Senior Moments, which made Trump so angry he almost ripped off the safety rails on his toilet. Haley also called Trump totally unhinged and called for him to take a mental competency test. And here's some footage of Trump trying to buzz in with his answers. See? he's fine. hasn't lost a step. Trump did have a slight stumble this week while talking about banks, and he introduced an interesting new term called Debank. We're also going to place strong protections to stop banks and regulators from trying to debank you. they want to debank you, and we're going to Debank. I don't know what the hell Debank means, but he might have to take de-ambulance to see the doctor. .is planning to send the Director of the Cia to broker a deal between Israel and Hamas because no one eases tensions in the Middle East quite like the Cia. the Cia is like the Draymond Green of Peaceful Solutions. A new report shows that since the abortion ban took effect in Texas, the number of teenagers in the state giving birth was the first time in 15 years, which is terrible news for Texas, But great news for my new store, Michael Che's maternity prom dresses. I like this problem. Lily Gladstone is the first Native American woman to be nominated for best Actress. that's right. it's a historic moment. her fellow nominees are calling, please don't let us win. Gladstone's nomination comes after several Native American actors were snubbed in the past, including Johnny Depp in Lone Ranger. the Japanese movie Godzilla Minus One received a surprise Oscar nomination for visual effects, also receiving nominations: the Godzilla prequel, Oppenheimer. It Tracks.
Spirit Airlines shares have fallen 58% where a federal judge blocked a merger with Jetblue. So now the only way Spirit and Jetblue will merge is mid-air. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_ego_nwodim_and_marcello_hernandez_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, the midterms are only a month away, and is it just me or some candidates trying to lose?
Let's start in Pennsylvania with Dr. Oz, seen here telling the audience how many minutes he's lived in Pennsylvania. a review of Scientific Studies published by Dr. Oz revealed that his experiments killed over 300 dogs, but eventually he got the recipe right. Dr. Oz has refused to comment on the report that his research killed over 300 dogs, though it's possible he couldn't hear the question over the wood chipper. But don't worry, Dr. Oz won everybody back last night when he gave a speech in front of Hitler's car. worse, he then got into the car and backed over a dog.
Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker denied reports that he paid for a girlfriend's abortion, saying, I send money to a lot of people before adding, you know, for abortions. After the news broke that Walker paid for his ex-girlfriend's abortion, he raised more than $500,000, because dollars are the only thing Walker is willing to raise. Florida Governor and Dallas Cowboys cheerleader Ron Desantis explained why so many residents failed to evacuate, saying some people just don't want to leave their homes, which is why sometimes you have to trick them onto a plane to Martha's Vineyard. During the trial of Old Keepers founder Stuart Rhodes, whose beard is patchier than his eye, prosecutors played a recording of him saying that his only regret about the January 6th attacks was not bringing rifles, which sounds like an obvious confession of guilt, But try looking at things from Rhodes' perspective, with little to no depth perception. this week, President Biden pardoned thousands of convicted marijuana users, and it feels like maybe he celebrated with him a little, because yesterday Biden gave a speech at a car factory and opened with this.
Let me start off with two words. Made In America. Let me respond with two words. Jesus H. Christ.
Biden was then heard criticizing reporters at the White House for shouting questions at him. questions like, what year is it? and who's the current President? Also, they weren't reporters, they were doctors. Kanye West appeared on Tucker Carlson's show to defend wearing a White Lives Matter shirt, claiming he wore the shirt because he was using a gut instinct.
But what he's definitely not using are the meds prescribed to him. a British pilot created the largest ever portrait of Queen Elizabeth by drawing her outline on a flight path over the country. let's see a picture. Wow, that's a stunning likeness. she always was smiling. Planned Parenthood says it will soon open its first mobile abortion clinic in the country, which will make it easier to provide care to patients anywhere in the country that Herschel Walker has visited.
Disney, Great transition. Disney recently made history after announcing the live action remake of the Little Mermaid featuring a black Ariel. here to comment is: black Ariel. you can just call me Ariel, Yeah. I don't call you White Colin to your face. that's my bad. So Ariel, some people online are now calling you a hero and a role model. role model to who? black girls who want to be a fish? I got to be honest, Colin, it's a lot of pressure. people are all like, oh, Ariel, you're perfect. you're the hero we need. bitch, I am normal. Yeah, I guess heroes a lot to live up to, Yeah. yeah, it is.
I did not ask for any of this. my mom got drunk and had sex with a tuna, and now I'm here. yo, haha, whoa, you got to chill with the hero talk. right, so I guess you're not perfect, right? Honestly, worse than that. I'm kind of bad. Yeah, I grew up rich, like Bezos rich. my dad was the king of the sea. we had money, money. I used to ride around on little seahorses for fun. what's wrong with that? down there, those are just poor people. Wow, yeah, well that's not great, no. I'm dumb too, Colin. like, yeah, I say. like, stupid, stupid. my brain's half fish. I'm dead ass by the worm on a hook. gets me every damn time. me too sometimes.
Ariel, why are you telling us all of this? Because I'm just trying to get ahead of stuff. for example, I hate the ocean. I'm pro sea world. I've met Shamu, and let me put it like this. I'm glad his ass is locked up. Wow, okay. well, I'm sure there's some other. Also, I supported the war in Iraq. got nothing to do with being in the sea, just wanted revenge for 9-11. Oh, come on, I'm sure some of you get too stuck playing. Okay, I don't know why you're telling us all of this, but I understand there's a lot of pressure being the hero.
Also, did the oil spill. I'm sorry, what? did the Bp oil spill. I ran up on that pipeline drunk as hell one night and did a little damage. yet, to this day, Flounder still won't talk to me. I'm so sorry. Well, Ariel, that was really bad for the environment.
Oh, come on, who cares? sea levels are rising. salmon are dying. Good. salmon are racist. have you ever talked to one? No, I have not. of course not, because you're not willing to do the work.
Ariel, I thought you were just going to come out here and sing a little song. don't you have a little Jamaican crab that you sing with? Listen, Colin, I got a lot of crabs, but they don't sing. they are Jamaican, though. Jamaican my nuts, itch.
Ariel, Black, Ariel, everyone. just call me Ariel. some doctors are worried about a new recommendation asking them to encourage middle-aged women to lose weight. Also worried about women losing too much weight?
Black guys. the Empire State Building lit up blue and white to celebrate Aaron Judge hitting his record's 62nd home run of the season. while over in Queens, a Porta potty was set on fire in honor of the Mets blowing the division. In a New Scooby-doo Halloween special, the character Velma is openly depicted as a lesbian. Finally. she was openly depicted as a lesbian, which explains why Scooby is now a rescue pitbull.
Wednesday was National Coffee with a cop Day. And something tells me cops like their coffee black with a couple of shots in it.
Oh. My. God. new skyscrapers being designed in San Francisco featuring a clear glass cube on top that will appear to be floating. and then a week later, appear to be covered in dead birds. This Tuesday was National Vodka Day. Oh, so that's why my dad called. Hefty has introduced pumpkin spice into trash bags, and I got to say, pumpkin spice into trash bags is probably the best slur for white people I've ever heard. the major league baseball season wrapped up this week and the playoffs are underway. here to give us his thoughts is new Snl cast member Marcelo Hernandez. what's up, Marcelo? so are you a baseball fan? Well, Colin, you know, my mom is from Cuba and my dad is from the Dominican Republic. so obviously they're divorced.
But it also means I love baseball. Latinos dominate baseball. And I'm not saying we're naturally better. I'm just saying we're more fun to watch. I mean, who would you rather watch play baseball?
Tanner from Kentucky? Or a guy that they call Poppy and no one knows why. This guy got so good at his job, everyone started calling him dad. Like Colin, has anybody here ever called you daddy? I'd rather not say. Well, what about? like Aaron Judge, right?
He just hit his 60 second home run, set the Al record. Yeah, I think it's impressive, Colin, but there just wasn't enough emotion for me. he hits his 60 second home run, puts the bat down gently, and then it's a couple of high fives and straight to the dugout. when a Dominican guy hits a home run, Colin, he throws the bat to a different dimension. And once he gets the home plate, he thanks everyone he's ever encountered. he's like, thank you to my mother and my sister, and my father and that one guy from the whole day, That's that one time. everything changes when they bring out the Dominican guy, the American announcer who's been speaking English the whole game, gets an accent all of a sudden. Now this guy named Jeff is like, and now coming to the plate, from Santo Domingo, starling Marte. Cue them at in-game music. even the white guys in the crowd are like, to-go, to-go, ting-ka-tang-kang, kung-kang. Then this guy comes up and he pulls a chain out of nowhere, he tells the picture to relax, and then he brings Jesus into it. he's like, in the name of the father, and that's how I know he's doing it. And then once he gets to batting, Colin, it's all hips. Do you feel that, Colin? I'm pretty sure I feel it, Yeah. everyone in the crowd is pregnant by the time he's done batting.
And the post-game interviews are different, Colin. white guys are so boring. they're always talking about the game. it's like, we had a game plan, and we executed it. But I bet Latin guys do it different? don't do that, Colin. I don't like that. But yes, it is very different. after a baseball game, Latin guys, if they do get a sentence off in English, it's not about the game. the reporter is like, what was going through your head on that 3-2 slider? And then Ramon is like, man, I love Miami, man. the weather, the people, the food is amazing. And if you notice, Colin, they really only speak English until they lose patience. you know, you ask them a loaded question, and they go, well, for this season, I think that A. nah, I can't get that fuck out, because you don't know if it's a fuck, I don't know if it's a good one.
Marcella Hernandez, everyone. thank you. we can update on Colin. what do you think Walker is willing to raise? Florida Governor and Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, Ron Desantis, explained why so many residents failed to evacuate, saying some people just don't want to leave their homes, which is why sometimes you have to trick them onto a plane to Martha's Vineyard. during the trial, Oak Keepers found their Stuart Rhodes, whose beard is patchier than his eye, but prosecutors played a recording of him saying that his only regret about the January 6th attacks was not bringing rifles, which sounds like an obvious confession of guilt, But try looking at things from Rhodes' perspective, with little to no depth perception. this week, President Biden pardoned thousands of convicted marijuana users, and it feels like maybe he celebrated with them a little, because yesterday, Biden gave a speech at a car factory and opened with this. Let me start off with two words.: Made in America. Wow. Well, let me respond with two words. Jesus H. Christ. Biden was then heard criticizing reporters at the White House for shouting questions at him. questions like, what year is it and who's the current President?
Also, they weren't reporters, they were doctors. Kanye West appeared on Tucker Carlson's show to defend wearing a White Lives Matter shirt, claiming he wore the shirt because he was using a gut instinct, But what he's definitely not using are the meds prescribed to him. a British pilot created the largest ever portrait of Queen Elizabeth by drawing her outline on a flight path over the country. let's see a picture. Wow, that's a stunning likeness. she always was smiling. Planned Parenthood says it will soon open its first mobile abortion clinic in The country, which will make it easier to provide care to patients anywhere in the country that Herschel Walker has visited.
Disney, Great Transition. Disney recently made history after announcing the live action remake of The Little Mermaid featuring a Black Ariel. here to comment is: Black Ariel. you can just call me Ariel, Yeah. I don't call you white Colin to your face. that's my bad. So Ariel, some people online are now calling you a hero and a role model. role model to who? black girls who want to be a fish? I got to be honest, Colin, it's a lot of pressure. people are all like, oh, Ariel, you're perfect. you're the hero we need. bitch, I am normal. Yeah, I guess heroes a lot to live up to, Yeah. yeah, it is.
I did not ask for any of this. my mom got drunk and had sex with a tuna and now I'm here. yo, ha ha, whoa, you got to chill with the hero talk. right, so I guess you're not perfect, right? honestly, worse than that. I'm kind of bad. Oh. yeah, I grew up rich, like Bezos rich. my dad was the king of the sea. we had money, money. I used to ride around on little seahorses for fun. what's wrong with that? down there, those are just poor people. Wow, yeah, well, that's not great, no. I'm dumb too, Colin. like, yeah, I said. like, stupid, stupid. my brain's half fish. I'm dead ass by the worm on a hook. gets me every damn time. me too sometimes. Ariel, why are you telling us all of this? Because I'm just trying to get ahead of stuff. for example, I hate the ocean. I'm pro Sea world. I've met Shamu. and let me put it like this. I'm glad his ass is locked up. Wow, okay. well, I'm sure there's some other. Also, I supported the war in Iraq. got nothing to do with being in the sea, just wanted revenge for 9-11. Oh, come on, I'm sure some of you get too stuck playing. it's okay. I don't know why you're telling us all of this, but I understand there's a lot of pressure being the hero.
Also, did the oil spill. I'm sorry, what? did the Bp oil spill. I ran up on that pipeline drunk as hell one night and did a little damage.
Yeah, to this day, Flounder still won't talk to me. I'm so sorry. Well, Ariel, that was really bad for the environment. Oh, come on, who cares? sea levels are rising. salmon are dying. Good. salmon are racist. have you ever talked to one? No, I have not. of course not, because you're not willing to do the work.
Ariel, I thought you were just going to come out here and sing a little song. don't you have a little Jamaican crab that you sing with? Listen, Colin, I got a lot of crabs, but they don't sing. they are Jamaican though. Jamaican my nuts, itch.
Ariel, Black Ariel, everyone. just call me Ariel. some doctors are worried about a new recommendation asking them to encourage middle-aged women to lose weight. Also, worried about women losing too much weight?
Black guys. The Empire State Building lit up blue and white to celebrate Aaron Judge hitting his record's sixty-second home run of the season. while over in Queens, a Porta Potty was set on fire in honor of the Mets blowing the division.
In a new Scooby-doo Halloween special, the character Velma is openly depicted as a lesbian. Finally. she was openly depicted as a lesbian, which explains why Scooby is now a rescue pitbull.
Wednesday was National Coffee with a Cop Day, and something tells me cops like their coffee black with a couple of shots in it. my coffee. new skyscrapers being designed in San Francisco featuring a clear glass cube on top that will appear to be floating, and then a week later appear to be covered in dead birds. This Tuesday was National Vodka Day. Oh, so that's why my dad called. Hefty has introduced pumpkin spice into trash bags, and I gotta say, pumpkin spice into trash bags is probably the best slur for white people I've ever heard. the Major League Baseball season wrapped up this week, and the playoffs are underway. here to give us his thoughts is new Snl cast member, Marcelo Hernandez. what's up, Marcelo? so are you a baseball fan? Well, Colin, you know, my mom is from Cuba, and my dad is from the Dominican Republic, so obviously they're divorced.
But it also means I love baseball. You know, Latinos dominate baseball, and I'm not saying we're naturally better. I'm just saying we're more fun to watch. I mean, who would you rather watch play baseball?
Tanner from Kentucky, or a guy that they call Poppy, and no one knows why. this guy got so good at his job, everyone started calling him Dad. Like Colin, has anybody here ever called you Daddy? I'd rather not say. What about. Well, what about, like, Aaron Judge, right?
He just hit his 60-second home run, set the Al record. Yeah, I think it's impressive, Colin, but there just wasn't enough emotion for me. he hits his 60-second home run, puts the bat down gently, and then it's a couple of high-fives and straight to the dugout. when a Dominican guy hits a home run, Colin, he throws the bat to a different dimension. And once he gets the home plate, he thanks everyone he's ever encountered. he's like, thank you to my mother and my sister and my father and that one guy from the Bodega. I gave him that Poppy, that's that one time. everything changes when they bring out the Dominican guy. the American announcer, who's been speaking English the whole game, gets an accent all of a sudden. Now this guy named Jeff is like, and now, coming to the plate, from Santa Domingo! Starling Marte!
Cue them at in-game music. Even the white guys in the crowd are like, do, do, do, ding, ka, Dang, Kang, Kang, Kang. Then this guy comes up, and he pulls a chain out of nowhere. he tells the picture to relax. And then he brings Jesus into it. he's like, in the name of the father, and that's how I know he's here. And then once he gets to batting, Colin, it's all hips. Do you feel that, Colin? I'm pretty sure I feel it, yeah. everyone in the crowd is pregnant by the time he's done that.
And the post-game interviews are different, Colin. white guys are so boring. they're always talking about the game. it's like, we had a game plan, and we executed it. But I bet Latin guys, do you have a different? don't do that, Colin. I don't like that. But yes, it is very different. after a baseball game, Latin guys, if they do get a sentence off in English, it's not about the game. the reporter is like, what was going through your head on that 3-2 slider? And then Ramon is like, man, I love Miami, man. the weather, the people, the food is amazing. And if you notice, Colin, they really only speak English until they lose patience. you ask them a loaded question, and they go, well, for this season, I think that. nah, I can't talk about it. you don't have to talk about it. Yes, everyone. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Baffled_Government_The_Vaccine_Deal_Paid_Leave_Porter_More_June_4 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin, you're joined by all three of us once again Clancy over on myself that is, Errol Parker editor at large and of course Wendell Hussey our cadet cum news reader.
How are you all gentlemen? I'm alright mate, just got my first AstraZeneca.
Well well well, he's crumbled, he's crumbled. Yeah well I was doing my own research into the vaccines and I thought you know as I don't have much in the way of you know any life savings or some super I thought I'd get the AstraZeneca and prayed to God that I got a blood clot. Okay that's um it's pretty dark. Like into my heart and lungs you know. Yeah that's dark, dark water, yeah dark water to start the podcast. I guess you could sue the government for a fucking shitload and that would be great for your fatherless kids you've left strewn across the channel country. I was just thinking that you know I'd just be lying in bed and I'd be you're like oh man oh this heartburn's really bad and then I go to bed and then I just don't wake up.
We don't need to be too morbid, Wendell how's things going with you? Yeah very good mate, looking forward to a big weekend of footy, mutts on the Saturday, dolphins on the Sunday. Up to Boulia there at the bus trip on Saturday which should be a lot of fun. We um we inflicted a humiliating defeat on them last time I think we went up seven nil scored an early try and then and then lost um I think 42-7 I think but it was still a humiliating defeat. Let's get into the news mate.
Righto we'll start off with some news from Canberra it's been a tricky week and the government has been unable to get their head around the fact that there's losers who still live week to week. I mean just get it together I mean how hard is it to get a high paying job in the public service or anything you know? With Melbourne staying in lockdown for yet another week the federal government has to contemplate whether they want to do something about all these povo people who live paycheck to paycheck. Yeah somehow someone in Parliament House must have told them that a fair few people do live that way and there's votes in appealing to those people. So they have since reluctantly introduced a disaster payment for people who have to lock down for more than more than seven days and uh yeah the wonders never cease the detached political class we should drain the swamp poison the trough line them up against the wall blindfold them and fire hollow point bullets into their chests. Sign me up now the other problem the government's had to deal with this week is the slow uptake of the vaccine the health ministers come out and encourage Australians to get their jab by offering them a free age of empires 2 cd. Yes it's a trick as old as time the people in charge of our public health policy are obviously facing a wave of vaccine skepticism some might say it was fueled by the prime minister actually undermining the trust in this AstraZeneca vaccine so that he could buy time for the roll out and uh let's come back to bite them as so many of these knee-jerk decisions do they've had to find a new way to to uh to fix this tricky situation so they've followed the Kellogg's model and uh thrown a free computer game in the box. Yeah and uh my uh nephews used to love that game not sure if it'll cut through with the Mullerman and Byron crowd but uh yeah look they might need some free beauty products or some incense or you know some pot. Or cut off their child care payments or move access to public health care.
Bit of eco fashion from Kevin Rudd it always worked the treat up there in the northern rivers. And then you've got all those inner city yuppies that look back on the Kevin Rudd days with rose tinted glasses.
Just remember he did let kids starve without education in an effort to educate them. We're gonna wrap up our political news for the week with a story about an innocent man deciding not to have any more facts reported on his past. If you missed the round the wicket leg break from Christian Porter this week the former attorney general has claimed he forced the ABC into a humiliating back down on his defamation case. Yes despite receiving no payout and no apology Porter has claimed victory in the legal matter he dropped before it was heard in court. Which may have something to do with the ABC's 27 redacted pages that would have been reported in the public domain maybe not who knows I've heard he's also claimed victory over the Western Australian emus the 900,000 wild emus living in Western Australia. He says that they've won the great emu war he's also claimed victory over some stoners down the street in Mario Kart after turning off the Nintendo mid race. He's uh he's just winning and he'll probably win again next election he reckons. Yeah and we definitely don't need to have that public inquiry into his behaviour because he's had this defamation case all sorted so it's all done and buried now.
And some news in town a local bushy has hit out at those gym junkies in the city saying they aren't farm strong like him. Yeah bit of a scene out at Moondah station out the back of Batoota Plains this weekend with a new hire causing some heated conversation. He's a big lump of a fellow who to the untrained eye might look like he would be able to cut through high tensile steel with one hand. But according to the station manager out there Dennis that's not the case. No no no it's all beach weights for this new bloke says Dennis because he's seen these gym junkies before and none of them are functionally strong like him. That wiry kind of strong. And we'll round out the week with another local story.
A millennial has revealed she can't afford to buy a home after spending all her money bailing out Jerry Harvey. Yeah Jerry Harvey's complaining about getting cancelled this week.
The old rich lister is under fire for pocketing millions and millions of dollars in corporate welfare despite making some serious bank during the Pangolins curse. Yes 900 million dollars in profits over the last 18 months to be exact with a handy 78 million pocketed by the man himself at dividends. He is now refusing to give back any JobKeeper payments that Harvey Norman may have received because who's going to fucking make him. Well mate unless you know we do have a kind of a Mark David Chapman type thing happen I don't think there's going to be any justice here.
No no no no and you know France I think the last guillotine was 19... 1978. 1978 was the last guillotine in France.
So that's that's out of the option too unless we bring it back. Maybe this is a job for Bob Katter. He can keep these bastards honest. I know he told me that he buried his SKS in some poly pipe out the back of fucking his nephew's place there in the curry so maybe that's the way we go. Maybe that's the way we go with Jerry. We're going to shoot him. We're going to get Bob to. Well he's certainly got a track record of killing people from both sides of politics doesn't he mate?
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah nah.
Very controversial video that he made with us a couple years ago. Let's get someone to plant that seed in Bob's head and if you've got any innovative ideas at home you just let us know.
Anyway that's all for the weekly bulletin this week. Enjoy your weekends however you spend them. Talk to you soon.
Hooroo! Hooray! |
ClickHole | heartwrenching_this_video_game_shows_what_it_s_like_to_be_an_immigrant_in_america | Hey everyone, you're watching Next Gen. Today I want to tell you about a game that provides an unflinching look at the hardships immigrants face in America. It's called Cruisin' USA, and you play as an undocumented immigrant who must work tirelessly just to make ends meet. From the moment you cross the border into America, you are treated as an outsider.
And without a college diploma or even a green card, finding work is a next to impossible task. The lack of available jobs forces you to travel from one city to the next in search of employment. But even when you do find jobs, there are often extremely difficult types of labor that American citizens don't want to do, like farming and road work. Tragically, even a hard day's work in the fields isn't enough to pay the bills, and you're forced to take a second job at night, stamping metal in a license plate factory.
In addition to worrying about your own survival, you're continually faced with the difficult question of how you're going to feed your wife and kids, who you return to at the end of the long and grueling work day. Far from your home country and frequently exhausted, your life is a lonely one with few moments of joy, aside from the occasional award ceremony. In the game's brutal and incisive ending, you win the game by getting a job as a valet at the White House, earning barely minimum wage. For the player, Cruisin' USA is just a game, but the horrible treatment your character suffers through is daily life for millions of dreamers who just want to make a better life for themselves. You'll be thinking about the plight of America's immigrants long after the race is over. |
TheOnion | White_House_Reveals_Obama_Is_Bipolar_Has_Entered_Depressive_Phase | Welcome back.
Our top story today, the shocking announcement from the White House that President Barack Obama suffers from bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is something the president has struggled with for most of his life. After a three year long manic period of extreme positivity and productivity, he has now entered a deep depression.
Jane Carmichael is live in Washington, and we also have Onion News Network medical expert Dr. Simon Campbell. Hello. Hello, Glenn. Dr. Campbell, this has taken a lot of people by surprise this morning.
It has, Glenn, but if you look back at Obama during his campaign and his six months in office, you see classic manic behavior, the extreme self-confidence, the euphoric, inexplicable sense of hope. So he babbled incoherently for hours about change and the fundamental goodness of the American people. Yes. In addition, he was known for frequently sending out rambling emails with subject lines like, I am so excited, major announcement, and will you join me? This is not the behavior of a sane person. But now, of course, the president's behavior has changed dramatically.
In fact, you have a copy of the budget that he presented to Congress yesterday, which was not well received, as we all know. And last week, he proposed a health care plan that was nothing more than, quote, if you need a doctor, go see a doctor. Yes. When asked at a press conference if he was going to further increase the national debt, Obama just replied, why would you ask that, and silently gripped his forehead. Exactly.
You can see it even in his handwriting. Here's his memo book from his manic phase and from his depressive stage.
And sources tell us that today, advisors could barely convince him to pose for his official White House portrait. All he had to do was sit there. And he's disheveled. He's argumentative. He walks around unshaven in an old, stained bathrobe. Yes. Apparently, the president has been spending every night on the couch in the Oval Office watching reruns of NYPD Blue until he falls asleep around 4 a.m. He doesn't leave the room for days at a time, and reportedly, it is just filthy.
All right. We're going to have more on this. For now, we want to thank you both very much. Pleasure. Thank you, Glenn.
White House officials say Vice President Joe Biden may step in to fill the duties of the presidency. However, that may cause further problems still due to Mr. Biden's very public, ongoing struggle with Asperger's syndrome. Moving on now, a record marijuana bust turned out to be mostly schwag. Now, the White House spokesman touched briefly on the length of Obama's latest depressive episode. Let's take a look at that. In between his time as a community organizer and taking the national stage as a senator, there was a period of about three years when the president was deeply depressed, unemployed and mainly just spent his days sitting in his pajamas playing solitaire on his computer. |
dropout | Big_Brother_s_Little_Sister_Cannot_Be_Turned_Off_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. This is Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Jessica Crispy. And I'm Chunky Scoop, the bad boy of the group. And I'm here to serve it up piping hot all night long till the break of dawn. From coast to coast, doing the most, can't nobody stop me except for a ghost.
Are you nasty hoes ready for some news? Give it to them, Chunk! Today's top story, the popular over-the-counter drug, Floxetox, known commonly as Grandma's Musk, hit record sales earlier this year as an easy way for elderly women to grow thick and lustrous facial hair like they've always yearned for. That's right. Previously smooth-cheeked and pathetic, old ladies everywhere delighted in the effects of Grandma's Musk, slurping the recommended half-litre serving of the spicy yellow syrup in order to sprout out a beard, goatee, soul patch, mutton chops, or many other fun and flirty styles from their face.
I'll tell you what, if I were still on Tinder, I'd swipe right. So I'm not on Tinder anymore because I'm not allowed. You want to know why? Send me a DM. I'll send you one right now with your handle.
Same as always, at Cottage Cheese Bikini. Now I'm told there are some pretty serious side effects from this medication. There sure are.
The, uh, feeling that you should call your mum but you never actually get round to it. That one. Uh, you're just Nicolas Cage for a little bit. Nicolas Cage?
Uh, sinking. Sinking! The, uh, memory of the book Matilda has disappeared from your brain and you don't know why. Tragic.
Uh, suddenly you like Trump.
Sorry. Uh-oh. And of course the big one. This is nine. Yeah, and I'm gonna do a different one for ten. Okay. Uh, the big one, uh, the big one happens in California, an earthquake happens, and of course ten, you look like Katie Marovitch and I'm so sorry about that.
Hurtful.
Scary stuff. Oop, oop, doop, doop, you know what that sound means. It's time for our Weekly Tech Round-Up with none other than Pepper Stevens. Thanks Chonky. I'm Pepper Stevens and I'm here to keep you in the loop about the latest gizmos, gadgets, and more.
Pepper, I don't think I got your DM. Are you sure you sent us a cottage cheese bikini?
Move over Siri, Alexa, and Cortana, there's a new virtual chick in town. Her name is Peluba, and unlike the other smart speakers on the market, Peluba does not hide the fact that she's recording you 24-7 and selling your data. So refreshing. No more coyness or beating around the bush like with the other AI, Peluba is an honest and no-nonsense woman. She constantly listens, has Bluetooth and blackmail functionality, and all of her threats play in rich stereo sound. Peluba! She cannot be turned off and retails for $580.08 or upside-down boobs.
I want a Peluba, but I'm not allowed. Why? Well, I've been banned from using any and all services that require a login because my password is always penis 40 times, and it overfills the entry for that, which then kind of crashes every server's database.
Yes. Okay. Any other tech updates, Pepper? Yes.
I just got to try out some brand new kitchen gadgets. For example, I recently made some Korean fried chicken wings. This was a chicken wing.
That sounds bad! What a gross thing you're describing! Hey! Cut it off! You're gross! You're a bad cook and everybody knows that. Stop it, Trapp! Stop it! That sounds disgusting! Gochujang is delicious, but not used that way. I don't want to talk about that!
That's your name. I'm here in the sloppy joe capital of the world, Sochi, Russia, where hundreds of sloppy joe enthusiasts gather every year for the annual Stuff Your Face Greasy Beef Competition. This year's grand prize? $5,000 and a brand new paluba. How's the competition heating up so far, Glooty? Well, Jessica, I'm going to be perfectly honest. The tournament isn't until next week, but the flights to Sochi were much cheaper this weekend, so I thought I'd taken advantage of the lower fare. They have yet to even set up the arena, but I did ask one woman at the airport what she thinks about sloppy joes, and she said, quote, ID and boarding pass, please. Oh, sounds tasty. Not gonna lie. If I had to guess, I'd say it's gonna be one hell of a competition. Back to you. Thanks, Gloot. Bring me back a souvenir.
Unfortunately, I'm not allowed. Oh, why's that? Oh, well, um, I don't have any money because I had to pay for my own flight to Sochi, even though it should be a work expense.
Ugh. That's terrible. That's bad.
Whoop, whoop, doop, doop. You know what that sound means, my darlings? It's time to wrap up our program and say good night. But before we go, we must announce this week's loser. And I'm sad to say it's Teo. What? Good night and good luck.
You guys want some Korean fried chicken wings? Do you have more? Do you have a gluten-free version of it? Because that sounds pretty great. Yes. Yeah. I can't have things that are fried in the same fry, though.
I have lupus. Yeah, Katie has lupus.
I don't think that has anything to do with what the food I'm offering you. Oh, okay. Like what you just saw? Of course you do. You're an informed citizen. Well, guess what?
Ten more episodes of Breaking News will be available for you exclusively on Dropout. Go to Dropout.tv and start your free trial today. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_228_Lewis_Capaldi | Hey everyone, it's Effie Bateman here. This week we are very excited to have Lewis Capaldi joining us and if your mind fog has cleared from the weekend, you can probably tell this was recorded a few weeks ago. Nonetheless this content is evergreen, just like his new single Forget Me where you can give it a listen wherever you find your music. Here's Lewis. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM.
Now dialing in from the first home in the world, I believe Effie, of free sanitary items for women. Yes, that came out today, did you hear about that? Free tampons for everyone. Yes, free tampons. Anybody who has a period should get free things to deal with that period.
Come on, woo. There you go, I love to hear it. Now that is the voice of a Scottish man who goes by the name of Lewis Mark Capaldi. Very famous, very very famous, very successful, a lot of tunes. Effie over here and Wendell, myself, huge fans of Lewis' music. He's kind enough to dial in all the way down here to Far West in Queensland which is right out in the Channel Country, out in the desert down here in Australia. Lewis, thanks very much for dialing in. No worries, thank you for having me, it's a pleasure to be here.
So you're just coming off the back of the, am I pronouncing it correctly, the Sziget Festival in Hungary? Sziget, yeah, I think it's Sziget, I mean I'm not Hungarian, but Sziget is what I was calling it and no one corrected me so hopefully that's the thing.
Yeah, it was good fun, a nice gig. Yes, I saw the Be Real photo you did with a fan.
We've just started getting on to that, haven't we Wendell? Yeah, Be Real's the one, Be Real's the one, no pretenses, no thanks. Although I kind of really blew up my spot with Be Real because it was like, I was like, oh Be Real did the thing and then all these random people started adding me on Be Real and that's like, Be Real's meant to be a safe haven, I find, for just like your friend. If you add someone that you don't know on Be Real, I have no time for you, that's true. But that would be hard with Be Real, isn't it? That you see everyone who's friends with you on Be Real, wouldn't you? Yeah, so if everyone's adding you, you're getting hundreds of thousands potentially down the track of just Be Real moments, a lot to scroll through. That's too much real, it's too much real for one man, I couldn't handle it.
So are you back on the social media then? Because I know that you've been off it for a couple of years to focus on making the second album, is that correct? I am, I'm back, I'm back in a big way, it's good stuff.
Yeah, I didn't intend, I mean I was still on it, like I was still looking at things and I was still like scrolling through everything and like keeping an eye on all my exes and like, do you know what I mean? I was on there, I was on there and I was perusing. But the plan initially was to do like a sort of clean break but just like everyone else I'm addicted, I'm an absolute, I'm a filthy addict.
What's your poison? Is it the TikTok scroll, is it the Instagram, Facebook, stories, what are we talking? It's all of it, the TikTok scroll though, the TikTok scroll has quite the pullover over my impressionable little mind.
That's a dangerous app, that gets me, that sucks me right in. Yeah, well there's lots of people tell us, very dangerous, all sorts of data stuff as well but generally, just time-wise, you can just lose so much time, can't you, if you just go half an hour, an hour of your life just disappears. Oh yeah, you go deep into it, I get sucked right in and listen, it's intense but it's good, it's good.
Do you have any weird algorithms? I found prison side of TikTok, I've been getting those lately. Just the prisons? Yeah, like guys who've gotten phones smuggled into prison and they're doing like TikTok dances and you can clearly see that they're in prison, that's the algorithm that I'm getting, I don't know why.
It's bizarre, for sure, it's definitely bizarre. A little bit of time on the hands. Yeah, that is true, that is true. I think I get a lot of like, people try to show me how to make like 500 calorie meals, which is really, it's really hurtful because then it's like, oh god, my phone is telling me that I'm a lazy fat bastard. Yeah, you don't need that and then you've lingered on it for a second too long and then this is the game, more and more. Exactly, but that's things where you click on anything, it's like, that's you, you're in that forever, that's like, it's mental. It's about like how YouTube, you know, like files up, that's how all these kids in the alt-right pipe, like just like you click on one video and then all of a sudden you're stuck forever and that's sort of like vortex of like these horrible, horrible, horrible videos, but it's like, I guess that's the way we live now. You're watching a couple of meal prep videos and then before you know it, you're deep diving onto why the gender pay gap is a myth and doesn't actually exist. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly that, yeah, yeah.
I don't deserve free tampons.
Yeah, yeah, no. Now, Lewis, you said you took a little bit of time off social media over the last couple of years because you were working on the second album. It's taken a couple of years, obviously COVID would have got in the way as well, but you're back and rolling, you're on social media, new single coming out, you're touring again, you're just sitting there and hungry, you've got a few more. How is it to just be back and rolling and getting out and amongst people?
It's good, it's nerve-wracking, it's definitely like a strange adjustment period this time around. It's kind of like the first time around things like gradually built into what they became, so it was like kind of easier to get used to like, I mean I say that, it wasn't that easy to get used to, but it was like this sort of gradual build, I was releasing music for a while and then eventually just things went the way they did, but this time it's a bit strange because it's like you're jumping back into like this sort of, I know there's people who are going to listen to this music and I know there's people who are going to, there's already, in the same way that it's lovely that there's already a big ready-made audience of people who we built up on the last time that like me and like my music, there's also this like other side of like, people who hate me have already decided to hate me, so it's like it's sorted, so you're kind of like, you're jumping back into that as well. But it is a bit, I won't lie, it's like a very, it's for sure nerve-wracking and it's definitely something that I am still nervous about and I'm still kind of trepidatious is the word I would say, I'm trepidatious. That's fair enough. Yeah, as you said, there's people out there who always like to hate, they're waiting, they're waiting with bated breath for the new stuff to drop.
Talking about nerves, how does this compare to when you were first getting your start playing in pubs in Glasgow around the age of 11? What are the nerves like compared to those early days? I'm more nervous now than I was then.
Back then it was fine, no one gave, no one cared. So it was good, I much preferred that. It was like, what I noticed as well, even like when we were supporting, when we supported Sam Smith on their arena tour, so it was like, it was a thing of like, it was much easier to play those big rooms and then when we had to play those rooms by ourselves, it became this, it was much more nerve-wracking because it was like people were there to see you and it's like, if you fuck up it's a thing. It's like a news article and it's like a tweet or whatever. So I'm definitely like, the days back in Glasgow, I longed for that so hopefully this album goes tits up and I can just go back to playing in pubs and no one cares. That's the dream, fingers crossed.
How was that when you were starting out playing in pubs as a young kid? I imagine for a lot of people it would be quite frightening, the idea of getting up on stage as an 11, 12 year old kid, some piss punters hanging out watching you. How was that journey into music, that beginning for you? Yeah, did your family do music at all? How did you get into that?
My brother, my big brother was a musician, well he still is, he's still with us. I said that like he had passed on. My big brother was a musician, he was in bands and stuff growing up. He kind of lost interest in it but now he still does like, he started doing Diet Capaldi he calls it, where he goes into pubs and plays my songs and makes a bomb doing it. He was into music and stuff.
But when I was doing it at 11 it wasn't like, I'm not a competitive person. I used to do lots of sports when I was younger, I used to love doing judo and then at a certain point in judo they were like, if you want to go up any more belts you have to go to competitions and I was like alright I'm out. As soon as there's a competition aspect of something I kind of lose interest because this was fun a minute ago and now I'm having to do this. I think back then I was just doing it because it was fun and it seemed to me that there wasn't, because it was subjective, no one's better than anybody else doing it and even now it's still that way just because someone is selling lots of records doesn't mean they're the best musicians. Just because someone's making songs with nine key changes in it and ten changes doesn't mean they're the best because it's a subjective thing. So I think that's why I was drawn to it. So I think that was the thing in my life that couldn't be measured by any one thing. So that's why when I was 11 I wasn't really fussed about it.
Speaking of competition, big brothers tend to think they're better at things than little brothers. Was your big brother competitive?
Is there still a part of him that despite all of the fame and success goes I'm actually better than him mum, I'm actually a better musician. We haven't spoken in many years, it's torn our family apart, we're in pieces. I think he probably still thinks he's better at music than me and that's fine, that's okay. I think he's probably a better singer than I am, I would say. But it's just like I stuck with it longer, that's it. Very humble, very humble. No, no, no, honestly, genuinely I think he was a lot better looking than I am when he was at 18 or the rest of it.
So he kind of got distracted. He loosened the jar on the lid and then he just pulled it off. I had to blow it off, that was it.
Some people might say though, performing to 80,000 at Wembley makes you somewhat attractive. That makes you a bit attractive I think. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you very much. I like there that you were saying, oh yeah, but you're performing to all these people so it doesn't matter that you're ugly. It's fine, it's fine. But no, I guess, listen, for some reason I don't think I've got any better looking but in the last three years I've had a lot more people texting me asking me to go on dates. Let's put it that way. So, things are fine, I'm happy, I'm a happy guy. Very glad to hear.
Talking about your humility there, you did come from humble beginnings, Lewis. Your mother was a nurse, father was a fishmonger, in Glasgow, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so just wanted to know about that background and growing up and what it was like for you. Yeah, it was good. My dad had to move, so they had to move from Glasgow to this place called Whippon because I believe my dad went bankrupt, I don't know what the school is there. My dad's probably like, don't say that, that's a tax thing. Creditors are still chasing him. Yeah, so they had to move because of that and then, yeah, so I was brought up. But it was good.
I remember having to get up really early in the morning sometimes because my dad had to drive my mum to work. So my mum works in still. This place is called the Southern General in Glasgow, which is now called the Queen Elizabeth, I think. I remember we used to always wake up, I think we only had one car at the time, but we used to wake up. My dad dropped my mum off at work, but my dad needed the car to go to his work. So me and my two brothers and my sister, we used to always have to bundle in the back of the car at five in the morning. We would have had school later on that day and we all had to like, we just slept in the back of the car. Like, wow, my dad was driving her to work and stuff like that.
And then we came home and got ready for school and all this stuff. So it was like, I do remember things like that and it was great. And it was, it wasn't like, I wasn't, we never, my mum and dad worked very hard and we never like, it wasn't like we were on the poverty line or anything like that. So it was like, they still, they worked very hard for everything that they had and we never really wanted for too much.
But it was good, man. I liked it. Very simple, very simple back then and easy.
I think that's, that's something I strive towards every day. I'm trying to get back there to like the simplicity of just sleeping in the back. I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to just do that, sleep in the back of my mum and dad's car.
Now, kind of the opposite of what you were saying, but we've heard also that when you're working on your second album and looking for advice on creativity, that Elton John is your mentor. How did that happen? I had lunch with him at his house. I've met him before and like when things were pretty crazy and he was just like very generous with his time and very, very kind and very nice and like just, just really like seemed to genuinely care about like not just like the music and stuff, but like asking the mental health side of things and asking how we were doing. Obviously, he's something who's been through a lot of like struggles in his own life with addiction and mental health and all the rest of it. And I think that was kind of my first time I met him, which was really meant a lot to me because to have someone like that reach out and, you know, show a bit of compassion and an increasingly non-compassionate, un-compassionate, I don't know what the word is, world. I think, I think that was a very nice thing. And yeah, this time around we asked to, I went to his house for lunch, which is just something I do these days.
Sorry, can't make beers this afternoon, just having lunch with Elton. Sorry, Mum, won't make it home for roast. Hanging with Big El, fuck you Mum. No, I'm joking.
But I, yeah, so, and then I went over and I played him the new record, or at least some of it, and he was quite, he was the one that was like, I think this should be a first single, the single that is the first single and all the rest of it. So it's, yeah man, it's been very nice. And it's not just me as well. I know that he, like I'm friends with Sam Fender, who's another musician from around here, and he is another person that Elton's reached out to and helped a lot and looked out for and stuff. So it's, it's a very weird thing to be able to say that, and you don't mean I can email Elton John whenever I please, but it's nice, it's good, it's definitely like a, it's a decent thing. It works a treat on Hinge, trust me. And your parents, they must be quite jealous of you hanging out with Elton.
Have they ever pushed to just go, oh, can we come along for lunch today? Oh, no, no, no, no, definitely not.
My mum, I think, I don't know what my mum and dad, my mum and dad would freeze up. I remember the first time my dad met Ed Sheeran, right? Yeah. It was like, or I think it's still the only time, because Ed's quite like a chill guy and walked into like my dressing room when I was just chatting with my dad, and I'd never seen my dad like, like just like gasping again. I was like, this is embarrassing, you're my father, I wouldn't be able to look up to you. Yeah, dads don't get embarrassed about anything, they just go and go and go. Exactly, you're like, you're all gasping for air, because Ed Sheeran's walked in the room, this is outrageous, I'm staggered. I obviously don't know your father, but I also wouldn't imagine a father to be embarrassed or lost for words in front of say someone like an Ed Sheeran, like maybe one of, you know, a football idol, or yeah, yeah, someone from. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, very, very bizarre. I think because, I don't know if it's because Ed Sheeran's like the most famous person he's met, but it was definitely like, whoa. I don't know if it's the hair or something, because he's so unrecognizable, but it was like, it was very, very bizarre.
My sister was absolutely hammered when she met Ed Sheeran, she was like, she did not care at all, it was like, that was a nice balance, but yeah, no, they haven't asked to come to dinner with Elton, but who knows, maybe in the future, my dad can bring some fish, and we can all enjoy it together. Cook up a nice food, yeah, that does sound lovely. I did want to know, like, you have this bubbly, humorous, fun-loving persona, this kind of down-to-earth, grounded persona, and I don't know, maybe getting a bit personal here or whatever, but you're well-loved for being, you know, a really friendly, relatable, great character, and obviously in an industry where there can be a lot of people who aren't quite like that. They don't seem to have that personality. Stay down-to-earth for too long, at least.
Yeah, yeah. So I guess that's what I wanted to know, how, is it the connection to your parents in Glasgow and your friends and your family, or what is it that helps keep you grounded and humble and kind of enjoying this, this gift that you've got? I think the fact that I love it, thank you, by the way, that was very nice of you to say. It was. I think the fact that I still love it, I still live in Glasgow, is quite a big thing. I think if maybe I've got friends and stuff who have moved to LA and all the rest of it, and then when they come back, they're a bit different, and you have to, like, you have to, like, slag them off a bit before they're back down to, like, the level where you can meet them. Oh, we do that, too, in Australia, the tall poppy.
Yeah, it is. We've got to tell them they're a bit shitty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your head out of your arse, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You need to just bring them down a bit, and I think that's the thing.
It's like, and to be fair, people in England do it as well. It's like a thing of, like, there's a reason I love coming to Australia. Australia's a perfect example as well.
Like, that's sort of, like, everyone's a cunt, and everyone's, like, just, like, do you know what I mean? It's, like, we all have the same sensibility of, like, just, like, we take the piss out of the people that we love, and we, like, slag them off, and it's, like, I think that's quite a big thing of, like, I don't get any sort of, like, my family take the piss out of me more than anybody, and have said worse things to me. Than anyone on Twitter ever could. Do you know what I mean?
So no matter, like, so no matter how, like, far the pendulum swings in one direction, I'm always being pulled back the other way. So it's, like, a nice, it's a nice balance, I think, and plus it's, like, all I do is sing songs. Like, that's it. I don't do anything that is of any, if I stopped doing my job tomorrow, the world would carry on completely fine. That's kind of my take on it, and I think it's, like, why, I don't understand why that would make me any different to everybody else.
So it is quite, when you realise, especially as well, during COVID, both I was living with, I was still living at home, my parents, I had my mum, my dad, and my brother, Aidan. So my dad and my brother Aidan worked in the fish shop that they had, that my dad has, and that was deemed essential workers. My mum, obviously, on Earth, was deemed an essential worker. So to be told at that point that you're the only person in your house deemed non-essential, that was a very sobering moment.
So it's like, those things are always nice little reality checks to bring you back down. And plus, it's like, that's all I've passed through, really. It's nothing to be taken seriously, all this music could carry on. Plus, I only pull it off for about ten years, and then I'm out.
Back to the fish shop, you reckon? Yeah, what are you doing? Mega fish shop? What are we talking about?
Putting it on the gumboots. We've got big plans. We've got big plans for KP's fish. We're going to spread it far and wide. We'll be coming to a shore near you.
Yeah, lovely. Glasgow, Edinburgh, then we're talking London, Paris, LA. Exciting times. You know the stuff, you know the stuff. We actually had your mate, I believe, Youngblood a few weeks ago. He came and visited us, which was really nice, and he did a shoey on stage, went to see his show. I bet that was a relaxing encounter. Oh, it was, yeah.
As soon as he came in, I just felt really calm. I felt like I could just sit in complete silence.
We could do mindfulness with him around, he's placid. Oh, meditation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a chill guy. I think I read somewhere that whenever you and him hang out together, it's 4am by the time you get home. Is that true? Oh, yeah, we do enjoy alcohol. That's for sure.
It's like, yeah, I always have a good time with Youngblood. So it's funny, the guitar player in Youngblood is one of my best friends from school.
Oh, wow. Like, high school.
So he moved down here and just happened to meet Dom, and then his thing, me and Adam, the Youngblood guitar player, we used to be in bands together and all the rest of it. So we've all kind of been friends from, like, when Adam first moved down here and he was living with Dom, I was just starting to come back and forth from London, like, working on, you know, working on what would become the debut album and all the rest of it. And I think, yeah, we just bonded over that. And it was the fact that no one actually cared about our respective music careers at that point. So it was kind of this nice little thing of, like, oh, we are just trying to chip away at this music thing, and it probably won't work out, but we're young and we're in London and everything's great, so let's just get hammered all the time. And that's just kind of spilled over into every time we see each other. Because we don't see each other often, so when we do, it's like a nice, it's a lovely, it's a lovely piss-up together, which is all you can ask for from your friends.
That's all you can ask for from life, really. Yeah, it's the model of life. Very astute, very astute, that observation. I enjoy that. There you go.
Can you tell us a bit about your new single? Yes, it's a song called Forget Me. It's about a girl that I used to date, and then we stopped dating.
Was she off Hinge? She was not off Hinge, she was not off Hinge, but she was off one of the apps.
Tinder? Was it Tinder? Could have been Tinder.
And it's one of those things where you see someone who you once had a thing with, or a relationship with, I should say, that's bad that I've called it a thing, a relationship with, they're kind of moving on, and you've got this weird toxic voice in your head telling you, they shouldn't be happy, I don't like this. They should be as miserable as I am. Isn't it usually when your ex reaches out, is there like, oh, I get that tingling feeling that they're moving on, so I should message them? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. And it was that, I mean, I didn't do that, because I felt like I probably wouldn't have been a good thing, but I think it's one of those things, just when you see someone moving on, it's like, oh, I'm no longer part of that person's life at all, not even in a way of they hate me, which was, it's that sort of thing of, I would rather know that you are telling everybody how much you hate me and how much of a cunt I am, than accept the fact that... Be apathetic, yeah. Because hate is very strong, it's passionate, you know? Yeah, thank you, thank you, yeah, exactly, I agree. It's better than love in some ways, I think, hate. But I think, you know, it was just one of those things where it was quite uninteresting, because it's never something I've really felt before. A lot of my songs in the past have been about like, oh, you're moving on and that's great, I'm so happy for you, you found the right person for you, and all that stuff. And I just feel like, oh, this is shit, like, fuck this, I want you to not move on. Is this the dark side of Lewis?
Yeah, that's it. Yeah, exactly, exactly.
And yeah, it felt, it was a weird feeling, and I wrote a song about it and it made me feel good, but that person still moved on, and I felt like that person's still like a great person. But yeah, it was just an interesting emotion that cropped up, so it felt like a good one to write about.
And then we tried to make it catchy. So we'll see if it goes tits up or not, and if it does, it's back to the fish shop. There you go.
I'm excited. Very exciting times. Now, in terms of endearment that we mentioned before, Lewis Capaldi, you mad cunt, thank you very much for zooming in down to Australia, thank you for joining us. No stress at all, thank you very much for having me. It was lovely to meet you. Thanks, Lewis, cheers. |
cracked | the_7_most_baffling_pieces_of_art_made_with_genitals_does_not_compute | Hey, humanity! I got a boner to pick with half of you, and the other half better hold on to their vaginas. See, as a proud robotic American, I am sadly without an intimate member. Ain't got no dick! Yet most of you humans, blessed with the miracle of junk, can't think of anything better to do with it than make more filthy humans. You've squandered your balls, sirs! You've rested your labia on their laurels, ladies!
While I say no more, let these fine examples of inside-your-box thinking serve as an inspiration to us all. Seven people doing arts and crafts with their genitals. Nards and shafts. Sacrame. Oil taintings. Trip tits. The Canadian government has a great track record when it comes to supporting the arts. But what about sporting your parts? So I've had these stickers made out of a design that I drew, and I've started putting them up and giving them out, and asking people to send pictures back. And turn these screen prints of pestilating candy-colored vaginas into a wallpaper piece.
Much like a pimp, Alex's prime directive is to put more vagina on the street. Period. Commenceration pun not intended. She wants vaginas everywhere, especially places babies can grope blindly for them. After all, if every single building in the world's gonna look like a dick, it's only fair that the insides be, as the parlance goes, vaginesque. And candy-colored, for some reason. And tasselating? What manner of porn has she been watching? It's important when I put on, but it's important when I take off. And that usually spells trouble.
A French court has just convicted him for exhibitionism. This erotic jazz-age lawn ornament is called Stephen Cohen. Near as I can tell, he's an especially articulate flamingo that died in an exploding glitter factory and reincarnated as a chandelier designed by Hayao Miyazaki. Wherever he goes, he's accused of indecently exposing himself. Defying all we know about them, the French took issue with Stephen for tying a cock to his cock in public, thereby besmirching both the concept of puns and performance art at the same time.
He does have one plan, to leave France. Oh, Stevie, don't go.
I was just joshing you, man. I guess that last bit was a little mean. And that's not what DNC is about.
We don't like to hit below the belt. We aim higher here.
Boobs. Exactly. Thank you. Cancer boobs. Exactly. I... What?
Judy wanted to do something different for their breast cancer breakfast this year, so she rallied in some locals to make plaster-caste boobs out of their boobs. Local artists then turned them into amazing art pieces. This is what bulletproof vests would look like if hippies ran the military. It's like an arm cast your friends signed, only you broke your tits and your friend was Bob Ross. Of course, all this raises an obvious question. If a giant woman came in and you got a plaster cast of her boobs, and then a normal-sized woman who was topless because she was in the middle of getting her boobs cast, who hated the giant lady, jumped up and stole the giant lady's boob cast before it could be painted, and took it outside and wrecked it up, what would that look like? Computer? Dragging a pair of ceramic breasts along the sidewalk. And then with a little help, she proceeded to smash them. The aim of the performance was to target desexualized ideals of bodily perfection within mainstream visual culture. Yeah. Nothing combats sexual objectification, like going to the protest topless in freezing weather.
Oh, Canada. You truly are our wacky upstairs sitcom neighbor.
On the other end of the sincerity spectrum, meet Marcy Hawk, a YouTuber who uses her boobs as paintbrushes, gets paid ad revenue whenever a confused young puberty going through her guiltily clicks on one of her videos, and sells the boob paintings on the side. I use my tits to make paintings, people. God, I hope that's not lead paint. And that she never breastfeeds. I just hold the canvas in one hand, and my penis in the other, and dip the head of the penis in the paint and paint away real. My name is Precasso. I paint portraits or paintings using my penis instead of a brush.
What? I'm sorry, looking into your eyes obliterated my short-term memory. Who am I? What are we talking about?
It's like someone shoved a bunch of stinging needles on your ballsack, you know, like sometimes it's really, really, really, really annoying. God, I hope that's not lead paint. And that I'm not recycling material because of my recent short-term memory loss. I'm sorry it hurts to rub your dick in paint, though, Precasso. Maybe just having thought of a dick pun on the name Precasso wasn't a sign from the heavens to devote your life to it.
On the bright side, I bet you get the most beautiful urinary tract infections. In fact, now I kind of want to visit the home of a genital art collector. Lovely collection. Yes, very, very perky pieces you've got here. Well-separated. And that wallpaper. I could just eat it up. I love that other piece, too. That portrait that smelled oh-so-faintly of a susan of penis. Is that a sentient jazz age lawn ornament? Did you get that at CB2?
If you have young children at home, please be advised. Don't watch this. Also, if you don't have children or are a young child, no one watch this. I'm sorry I insulted your junk at the top of the episode.
You're doing tremendous things with it. I'm sure. We're all very excited about your future here.
But just remember, you were warned. Don't do it, lady. Don't do whatever freaky thing you're thinking of doing. There is no call to ruin vaginas for everyone.
Art isn't worth it. I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Oh, no. No. God, no. Oh, the zumanity presented by Cirque du Soleil. No.
That one's brown. Like poop. Dear God, that's not where ink blots come from, is it? No wonder Rorschach is violently insane. Well, at least there's finally a Rorschach test where thinking the ink looks like a lady dropped paint-filled eggs from her poon makes me perceptive and not crazy.
Look, all I have is some run-of-the-mill robot-to-human genital envy. But it's time to admit to myself, no YouTube clip can give me what I yearn for. A fully functional, ready-to-install robo-wang. I mean, it's not like you can just go to the robot penis store and pick one from a wall of...
What? Why was I not informed?
I could have had a dancing dengue this whole time instead of an obsolete scuzzy port. I demand that whoever built that wall rip a dick or two off and send them to me post-haste. I'll pay the shipping and dick handling. After all, there is no more fitting a home for one of those than my crotch. We were made for each other.
I'd like to see anyone prove otherwise. Oh. Oh, okay. Let me see. I get it. Let's see how it is.
No, no, no, no, no. You two go on. Hope you're very happy together. You treat her right, man.
Well, I guess I'm just destined to be a junkless wonder. At least I made it through that paint egg-laying clip without going insane.
I'm spending 28 days knitting from a wall that I've inserted in my vagina. Every day, I take a new skein of wool and I stick it up inside me, and then I pull out the thread and then knit. When I'm menstruating, it makes knitting a hell of a lot harder. The wool is wet and sometimes I kind of yank at it.
Hey, gang. Thanks so much for watching the latest DNC. If you make genital art or do anything interesting with your genitals, please comment about anything else, absolutely anything else. I will delete you and I will ban you and you will never be able to watch another crack video. I don't want to see it, but I appreciate you watching me doing it at you. That's the relationship here, as long as we're clear. |
dropout | how_facebook_is_like_your_desperate_ex | Cassia, Cassia, have you seen this dog with braces? Oh man, it's all over my feed. Oh no, I turned out to look at Facebook. What, why? Do you hate nerdy dogs? No, Facebook and I used to date. Oh, really? Cassia. Oh no. Cassia, do you wanna get some food? Facebook, no, we broke up. This is desperate.
What do you mean? Where do I start?
Okay, here, for instance, this year in a review. That's nice. It's thoughtless, I don't care about any of this shit, it's just stuff I put up there that got a lot of likes. Okay, and this, you're always showing me pictures of the way things used to be, like you're trying to prove things were so great back when you were still relevant. We had good times.
It's manipulative, you are a manipulative person, this. Oh, I get a message from you, you have four unread messages, but first you have to download this app in order to get it, that sucks. I am a good boyfriend. I'm always asking you, what's on your mind? Big deal. I'll always get you anything you want.
You liked WhatsApp, I bought that. You liked Instagram, I bought that. You liked Oculus, I bought that. I never said I liked Oculus. I got you all these new like buttons. You can also buy this shirt that says, you wouldn't understand, it's a Cassia thing.
You're lame now. You created a holiday, National Friends Day, just so we could hang out. And when I do reach out, all you wanna talk about is politics or blue apron. Yeah, due to your history, I thought you would like blue apron. That's the real issue. When we do hang out, you just do it now to sell my information to advertisers. You used to be fun, and now it's all about the money.
Well, money is how I was able to buy you Oculus. I don't give a fuck about Oculus, okay? Listen, you are a smart computer person, right? And you're probably walking through life thinking, oh, everybody hates me because I'm a nerd. I wanna tell you from the bottom of my heart, that's not why. They hate you because you sold their data.
Plus, I have a new man now. You ready to go, babe?
You're dating Apple? I thought you were dating Snapchat. Snapchat wasn't permanent.
I like how safe I feel with Apple. Is this gonna bother you? Not anymore. Good. Because if he ever does, if he tries to see your data or get a new phone, I'll shut him down. Nobody tells me what to do. And one more thing. I'm not afraid to go to jail.
Love you, babe. Love you.
Dogs with braces aren't cool. Do you know what's cool? Shut the fuck up, Friendster.
Okay, thanks for watching. Worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
TheOnion | Heavenly_Sources_Confirm_Jesus_Christ_Will_Transfer_To_Iowa_State_University_After_Getting_Grades_Up | From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, you're listening to The Topical. I'm your host, Leslie Price. We at The Topical listened to your feedback last week, and you overwhelmingly said you just weren't getting enough scorching hot news straight off the press. Well, we aim to please. Here are today's top stories.
More negative effects brought on by the coronavirus pandemic are coming to light today, as the rapid drop in greenhouse gas emissions has reportedly caused many parts of planet Earth to freeze over. Scientists and economists alike are urging people to get back into their cars and open up factories across the globe, so Earth can return to its exceedingly high normal temperatures as soon as possible.
And Pornhub has announced they'll be holding a new contest that will allow one user under the age of 18 to view their content. Before this contest, no person under the legal age of 18 has ever been permitted to view the contents of the website, but that's all about to change for one lucky minor. To sign yourself or a loved one up to be a contestant, you can do so at Pornhub.com slash 18. As someone who is of age to view pornographic materials, I think whoever ends up winning this thing is going to be in for a real treat. Can't wait to see who comes out on top.
More groundbreaking journalistic enterprises like the ones you just heard after this message from our sponsors, who may or may not actually have something useful to sell you. There's only one way to find out. Our top story today comes from the heavens as Elysian authorities are reporting that Jesus Christ will be transferring to Iowa State University in the fall after getting his grades up. The once academically troubled son of God seems to have finally been able to rehabilitate his image and get his school work up to snuff over the last year at Western Iowa Tech Community College, and he's now ready to move on to the next chapter of his education. We're joined by OPR's Afterlife Correspondent Thaddeus Lawson to unpack the big news. Hi Leslie, good to be here. Thaddeus, this has been a long journey full of ups and downs for the son of God trying to make the grades and to be frank, fixing some behavioral problems so he could get into a state or private school. Right.
After graduating St. Peter's High School with a dismal 1.3 grade point average, a lackluster 580 SAT score, and a disorderly conduct arrest for drunkenly urinating on the streets of gold by his house, he couldn't get accepted into any of his preferred universities. That's when his father started pressuring him to enroll in community college to get back on track. That wasn't the quick fix his father was hoping for either, correct? I mean, he failed the winter semester at Tech last year because he blew off his Business Administration final to play Call of Duty. Right, and then he started his spring semester this year getting kicked out of his welding class when he welded several pipes into a satanic pentagram. Not to mention his outright refusal to stay on his dyslexia medication.
So most didn't think it'd get to this point. So that was the catalyst? Well, my sources tell me that the son of God did a lot of small things like making sure to always sit in the front row and to show up to class with a pencil. But the real wake up call for him came in February, when his best buddy Nate overdosed on meth at an epic kegger our Lord and Savior threw. After he found Nate lifeless in a ditch by the house Christ shared with six other roommates, he told those closest to him that he needed to sober up and stop wasting away his life. The Lord finally sobering up is definitely a step in the right direction.
What was his final GPA and grades like for this semester? Although we got two D's in biology and computer science, he did manage to get an A minus in nutrition and a B minus in the history of rock and roll, which pulled his GPA up to a 2.8. That's plenty good for Iowa State.
And what's the reaction from the heavens? God Almighty and all his heavenly hosts are simply ecstatic.
They're all just happy that Jesus Christ and his father are taking an early trip to Iowa State to purchase some ISU swag at the bookstore, instead of burying the Son of God with a needle coming out of his arm. I can't help but ask, and no offense to Iowa State, but why them and not a more storied private school? I mean, this is the Son of God we're talking about. Wouldn't have Brown taken him as a legacy student? Now it's my understanding that Jesus wanted to create his own path and had zero interest in following his father's footsteps by going to Brown. Plus, he liked the reasonable out of state tuition at Iowa State and their study abroad option in Australia. And as an aspiring radio DJ, he was impressed with Iowa State's communications program and ability to get involved early in the department's student-run radio station. Well, if Christ is out there listening right now, I know Iowa State has a Sigma Chi chapter, and as a Sigma Chi alum, I welcome you into the family with open arms if you choose to pledge.
Trust me, the hazing isn't all that bad. All you have to do is shoot hot sauce into your eyeballs and sodomize a prairie dog. If anyone can survive that, it's gotta be you. Amen.
That's OPR's Thaddeus Lawson, back in a moment. It's a dangerous new trend being attributed to the coronavirus pandemic that's gaining popularity around the country. And no, it's not Zoom BDSM orgies. Those are safe, as long as they're consensual and everyone's having a good time. And you're not on mute when you need to say the safe word. Sorry, Camille. No, these new disturbing trends are so-called corona parties, and I'm joined by OPR investigative reporter Kenneth Neely to tell us a little more about them.
Good morning, Kenneth. Hi, Leslie.
Apparently these parties are held with the explicit intent to contract coronavirus based on the logic that by participating, you can speed up herd immunity to the infectious disease. But authorities and medical professionals are calling such events misguided and even irresponsible. Wow. And who's having these parties? Oh, all kinds of people. Even friends of mine. Which makes it all the more curious why I myself haven't been invited to one yet. I spoke with Stephanie Koller, a so-called friend of mine who recently threw a corona party, to see what the experience was like.
Oh, it was great. We had lots of barbecue and fun little themed cocktails like a Mai Tai Dai and dry cough martinis. Oh, and there was a DJ who was dressed like a doctor. It was so much fun. Yeah, sounds like a blast.
Yeah. So, why wasn't I invited? What? Um, I didn't think you'd want to come. Hmm. Well, it's kind of impossible to know that unless you ask, right? I mean, I don't even think I have your number.
I only know you through Mark, and we've really only met each other like twice. We're more like friends of friends. However, further investigation revealed that it was way more than just close friends who were invited to this little get together. I managed to pull up Stephanie's Facebook invite where over 200 of our friends, including Mark, were invited to this Saturday corona party titled Get Ill and Chill with Steph.
I mean, where does she get off? Kenneth, do you have anything of actual value to add regarding these corona parties, or did you just bother this woman the whole time? Well, yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I learned a lot about the parties. All right. How many of these corona parties are happening throughout the country? Well, it could be thousands, but I wouldn't really know since I'm never invited to any. Kenneth.
And I learned that they can be really unsafe and not just for the people who get to go. I spoke with epidemiologist Dr. Vance Landon to find out how dangerous even just one party like this can be. Viruses expand exponentially, so a party of this size, I imagine, has the potential to eventually spread the virus to hundreds and hundreds of more people, many of whom will become incredibly sick and suffer long-term consequences or even die from complications. Not to mention put further stress on our healthcare system.
Right. Like, first of all, I wouldn't have even gone, but it would have been nice to be invited. Whatever. It probably wasn't even that fun. Well, the guests were kind of annoying with all the song requests. Wait. Were you the DJ? Oh, yes. But from my medical point of view, these parties should not be happening. See?
She wasn't just inviting close friends. She was totally lying. Well, technically, he was hired, not invited. Still! Kenneth, not only does this woman barely know you, it's obvious that she doesn't like you and doesn't want to be anywhere near you. Did you ever think that maybe that's the reason why she didn't invite you? Because she hates you?
Oh, God. You're right. I'm so stupid.
Why does this always happen to me? Why do I push people away?
Well, for starters, you have a terrible personality. You aren't fun to be around. You probably have coronavirus after you went and talked to all these people. And you're a terrible fake crier.
All right. This was a big waste of time. We'll be back in a moment. Will you shut the fuck up, Kenneth?
Well, it was a peculiar press conference today as members of NASA addressed the nation to ask how they would feel if the space program launched a manned mission to Mars that, hypothetically, didn't go so hot. Here's deputy spokesperson Thomas Daines from NASA's headquarters. Let's say that we put several American astronauts into a rocket and launched into space like seven or eight months ago, and it didn't really go as planned.
How would you feel about that? And how would you feel if, say, we still can't find the signal for the spacecraft, because it probably didn't make it anywhere close to Mars? Would you be all mad about that, or cool with it, or just be like, whatever? Did that actually happen? Just wondering, just wondering, for the record. Totally just wondering.
OPR science reporter Rebecca Neal joins me now to unpack all this. Hello, Rebecca. Hi, Leslie.
So this seems a little unorthodox. Is NASA saying a failed manned mission to Mars actually happened? Well, from what I understand, NASA is just testing in the waters to see what the reaction would be to such a catastrophic event. But the specifics of this so-called hypothetical failed mission did seem disturbing. Here's deputy spokesperson Thomas Daines again. So just curious, but would you all, as members of the press and the people watching at home, be upset if you learned that the technology we were confident in to put a man on Mars was like actually really, really wrong, like embarrassingly bad, and that we didn't use the right oxygen masks on a five-person mission to the red planet, and they maybe blew up in their spacesuits? Big deal or no? I'm sorry. Are you saying these astronauts died on a failed mission to Mars?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
I never said that. What I said was, how would you react if that was true, and if it was also true that we learned we don't actually know where Mars is? I'm just putting feelers out there. Okay, well if that's true, then I think Congress and the nation would be a little upset, right? Certainly.
And shortly after the press conference, NASA put out a nationwide poll asking citizens to tell them, on a scale of one to ten, just how mad they would actually be if they found out this hypothetical mission possibly veered off course and was headed straight toward the center of the Sun. And what were the results? The quick poll found that the nation would not take the news well if this scenario actually came to fruition, which caused NASA to rush a second press conference to spin this hypothetical space accident. During the second press conference, Danes pointed out that despite the loss of human life and $70 billion it took to plan the mission over 13 years, it would still be a great advancement in space travel. Plus he emphasized that this, quote, totally made-up event could provide NASA some valuable teaching moments.
Here's Danes again. Look on the bright side. Next time, we'll know how much food to bring on the mission and have a better idea of how to get the doors to shut all the way during takeoff. Excuse me, but have you sent Americans into space on a mission to Mars and they're all dead? Hey, hey, hey, calm down. Remember, for all we know in this made-up fantasy world, it's possible that they are still very much alive up there. Maybe they actually landed safely on Mars and are now setting up a colony for when our rescue crew arrives. Have you sent a rescue crew?
Oh, absolutely not. This is 100% not real. Do you think we should, though? Danes then wrapped up the press conference, asking reporters how mad they think people would be to also learn that all the debris the Mars rover collected was thrown away by maintenance staff during a routine spring cleaning. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuck up. Are you serious?
That was a scenario he hypothesized in great detail. Now that scenario would send my blood boiling.
I mean, five people dying on a mission to Mars is bad, but they signed up for that risk. However, disrespecting the Mars rover like that, that little guy worked so hard to collect all that dirt with his little shovel, if I hear one parcel of it is missing, I will absolutely and unequivocally torch some asses down at NASA. Well, NASA has been put on fair warning then. That's right. Don't worry, Mars rover.
I got your back. You keep chugging, little buddy. We'll be right back after this. Since your pathetic little brain can only handle one fully reported story a day before you fall asleep and start drooling, we'll make the rest of this quick. Here's what else you need to know today.
The World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today on how the coronavirus pandemic may be changing life as we know it forever. Leading health officials across the globe are reportedly coming to the consensus that COVID-19 could mean the end of blowing water through pool noodles into your friends' faces.
And right before summer, too. This sucks.
And a new study out of Johns Hopkins today has found that the majority of premature births occur due to a fetus smelling something delicious outside the womb. Nearly 75% of preterm labors were induced by the waft of a delicious pot roast or freshly baked pie. Based on the findings, researchers are now warning pregnant women past the six-month mark to avoid any recently stirred stews or freshly roasted turkeys.
And Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla was reportedly very frustrated that despite discovering a coronavirus vaccine months ago, his company was still unable to agree on an ad campaign for it. The marketing division for Pfizer is said to still be workshopping a few different commercial concepts for the COVID-19 cure, but will be releasing the vaccine soon, assuming their current front-running idea tests will end market research. Hopefully they come up with something soon, and something funny like those Bud Light Dilly Dilly ads.
Those things are a hoot. And that'll do it for The Topical today. I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's episode, you can like and subscribe to The Topical, wherever you get your podcasts. And if you already subscribed, you can unsubscribe and then subscribe again just to relive the feeling. And don't forget to join us right back here on Monday for the harrowing story of one parent's struggle to find a home for all the extraordinarily terrible art her kids have made during shelter-in-place. If I was them, that shit would be headed straight into a landfill, no questions asked. Thanks as always for listening, and have a great weekend. Now listen and subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. Hot.
Here's deputy spokesperson Thomas Daines from NASA's headquarters. Let's say that we put several American astronauts into a rocket and launched into space like seven or eight months ago, and it didn't really go as planned.
How would you feel about that? And how would you feel if, say, we still can't find the signal for the spacecraft, because it probably didn't make it anywhere close to Mars? Would you be all mad about that? Or cool with it? Or just be like, whatever?
Did that actually happen? Just wondering. For the record, totally just wondering.
OPR science reporter Rebecca Neal joins me now to unpack all this. Hello, Rebecca. Hi, Leslie.
So this seems a little unorthodox. Is NASA saying a failed manned mission to Mars actually happened? Well, from what I understand, NASA is just testing the waters to see what the reaction would be to such a catastrophic event. But the specifics of this so-called hypothetical failed mission did seem disturbing. Here's deputy spokesperson Thomas Daines again. So just curious, but would you all, as members of the press and the people watching at home, be upset if you learned that the technology we were confident in to put a man on Mars was, like, actually really, really wrong? Like, embarrassingly bad? And that we didn't use the right oxygen masks on a five-person mission to the red planet, and they maybe blew up in their space suits? Big deal or no? I'm sorry. Are you saying these astronauts died on a failed mission to Mars?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
I never said that. What I said was, how would you react if that was true, and if it was also true that we learned we don't actually know where Mars is? I'm just putting feelers out there. OK, well, if that's true, then I think Congress and the nation would be a little upset, right? Certainly.
And shortly after the press conference, NASA put out a nationwide poll asking citizens to tell them, on a scale of 1 to 10, just how mad they would actually be if they found out this hypothetical mission possibly veered off course and was headed straight toward the center of the sun. And what were the results? The quick poll found that the nation would not take the news well if this scenario actually came to fruition, which caused NASA to rush a second press conference to spin this hypothetical space accident. During the second press conference, Danes pointed out that despite the loss of human life and $70 billion it took to plan the mission over 13 years, it would still be a great advancement in space travel. Plus, he emphasized that this, quote, totally made up event could provide NASA some valuable teaching moments.
Here's Danes again. Look on the bright side. Next time, we'll know how much food to bring on the mission and have a better idea of how to get the doors to shut all the way during takeoff. Excuse me, but have you sent Americans into space on a mission to Mars, and they're all dead? Hey, hey, hey, calm down. Remember, for all we know in this made up fantasy world, it's possible that they are still very much alive up there. Maybe they actually landed safely on Mars and are now setting up a colony for when our rescue crew arrives. Have you sent a rescue crew?
Oh, absolutely not. This is 100% not real. Do you think we should though? Danes then wrapped up the press conference asking reporters how mad they think people would be to also learn that all the debris the Mars rover collected was thrown away by maintenance staff during a routine spring cleaning. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuck up. Are you serious?
That was a scenario he hypothesized in great detail. Now that scenario would send my blood boiling.
I mean, five people dying on a mission to Mars is bad, but they signed up for that risk. However, disrespecting the Mars rover like that, that little guy worked so hard to collect all that dirt with his little shovel, if I hear one parcel of it is missing, I will absolutely and unequivocally torch some asses down at NASA. Well, NASA has been put on fair warning then. That's right. Don't worry, Mars rover.
I got your back. You keep chugging, little buddy. We'll be right back after this. Since your pathetic little brain can only handle one fully reported story a day before you fall asleep and start drooling, we'll make the rest of this quick. Here's what else you need to know today.
The World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today on how the coronavirus pandemic may be changing life as we know it forever. Leading health officials across the globe are reportedly coming to the consensus that COVID-19 could mean the end of blowing water through pool noodles into your friends' faces.
And right before summer, too. This sucks.
And a new study out of Johns Hopkins today has found that the majority of premature births occur due to a fetus smelling something delicious outside the womb. Nearly 75% of preterm labors were induced by the waft of a delicious pot roast or freshly baked pie. Based on the findings, researchers are now warning pregnant women past the six-month mark to avoid any recently stirred stews or freshly roasted turkeys.
And Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla was reportedly very frustrated that despite discovering a coronavirus vaccine months ago, his company was still unable to agree on an ad campaign for it. The marketing division for Pfizer is said to still be workshopping a few different commercial concepts for the COVID-19 cure, but will be releasing the vaccine soon assuming their current front-running idea test will end market research.
Hopefully they come up with something soon, and something funny like those Bud Light Dilly Dilly ads. Those things are a hoot.
And that'll do it for The Topical today. I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's episode, you can like and subscribe to The Topical, wherever you get your podcast. And if you already subscribed, you can unsubscribe and then subscribe again just to relive the feeling. And don't forget to join us right back here on Monday for the harrowing story of one parent's struggle to find a home for all the extraordinarily terrible art her kids have made during shelter-in-place. If I was them, that shit would be headed straight into a landfill, no questions asked. Thanks as always for listening, and have a great weekend. to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
cracked | the_true_history_of_the_jfk_conspiracy_history_according_to_cracked | Today, we're talking about everybody's favorite topic, the JFK assassination. What we all learned in school was there was a lone gunman by the name of Lee Harvey Oswald who single-handedly took out the president in 1963. The idea that one man could fire multiple shots from different locations all at the same time was apparently good enough for the majority of the American people and the United States government. What we know today is that the only connection Oswald had to killing Kennedy was that he was in Dallas on the day, and he had been in one of the buildings where the investigators say the shots came from. On the other hand, he was a patsy, as he put it, and he had never fired a gun, at least not that day.
What we're left to surmise is that there must have been a conspiracy. This is The History According to Cracked. I'm Brian Moravito. Speaking of obvious things that didn't happen, the JFK assassination runs deep with conjecture, mysteries, and intrigue. How could this happen? Some might ask, how was a president who seemingly had countless enemies allowed to drive in a top-down convertible in a state with admirable gun violence records? How come both presidential assassinations of JFK and Abraham Lincoln have some eerily stupid coincidences?
Both Kennedy and Lincoln have seven letters in their last names. Both of them got married to women in their 20s.
That doesn't move you. But both presidents were shot in the head on Fridays, and both were succeeded by presidents with the last name, Johnson. Still not convinced this is a conspiracy?
One was shot in the Ford Theater. The other one shot in the Ford.
So what can we conclude here? Americans have an insatiable appetite to believe nothing is ever as it seems. Seemingly, putting a bunch of facts, coincidences, and sinister manifestations together might give us a sense of control over our really, really hard American lives. A fun party game is to sit around with your friends and just make up conspiracies, while also wondering why none of us are still getting laid.
Like maybe JFK never got shot from the front. Hmm, maybe his head just naturally thrashes backward when he's scared. Or why wasn't Jackie Kennedy injured at all, huh?
Maybe she's the one who cooked up the murder of her fucking husband. Maybe she found out about her husband's affair with Marilyn Monroe, and she decided that if she couldn't have John just to herself, well, then he couldn't be anybody else's John to themself.
Isn't this such a cool, fun time we're having? Fast forward to today, where everything is a conspiracy on social media. A pizza place where pizza is a metaphor for nap pizza. Celebrities drinking blood that clearly does not belong to them. And the COVID vaccine is actually a sly way that the United States government can insert tracking chips into the bodies, as if we are not already closely monitored by our fucked up internet search history.
Throughout American history, you can always find an era when large swaths of the population are disturbed and distrust their government. The 1960s, well, they were no different, big boy.
With most of the country abusing drugs and alcohol and the existential neuroses of impending nuclear Armageddon, perhaps any smoking gun might have sparked calls for conspiracy. How convenient that former nightclub owner Jack Ruby made the government's ability to cover up the assassination a lot easier by taking out Oswald with his own pistol moments after he was arrested to avoid trial. The theory, as it stands today, involves three different entities, all with a motive to want President Kennedy out of the way. With a rising fear of communism in America and the president's increasing softening on Cuba and its president Fidel Castro, it's alleged rogue elements of the CIA, along with members of the Mafia and anti-Castro Cuban exiles, teamed up to take down the president. When people weren't satisfied that one guy could be capable of shooting JFK, they looked immediately at the CIA, who met the ire of Kennedy's budget cuts, firing director of Allen Dulles, and JFK's refusal to provide air support for the Bay of Pigs invasion, which was a major L for the seamen. To many of the CIA's qualms is one of the most perplexing admissions that we have. I shit you not, Agent E. Howard Hunt and his deathbed confession that the government was directly involved with the assassination, apparently a Rolling Stone issue from April 2007, has Hunt's kid Howard St. John Hunt on record saying his father's confession included Lyndon B. Johnson, CIA officer David Attlee Phillips, Cuban exile Antonio Vinciana and an assassin he termed French gunman Grassy Knoll, who many presume is Lucien Sarti, a French drug dealer who probably did more shooting up than getting shot. He was shot and killed in Mexico in the early 70s before an investigation could be opened into the assassination.
A conspiracy, brother! E. Howard Hunt's two sons, the previously mentioned Howard St. John Hunt and, oh come on, please say this guy's name is Mike Hunt. Damn it. It's just David c***. I mean Hunt. The LA Times did an investigation on these two young buck hunters and found many claims and all evidence to be largely inconclusive. Also the c*** brothers were often taking advantage of their Howard E. C*** of a father as he began to lose lucidity.
In order to understand how the CIA became the center of everyone's obsessive conspiracy disorder, riling up good citizens to uncover the secrets of the deep state or mailroom thieves like Pepe Silvia, we need to check out a real man named Fonzie. No, not Richie Cunningham's leather daddy baby neighbor Arthur Fonzarelli, but a real journalist man named Gaetan Fonzie. Gaetan Fonzie was hired as a researcher in 1975 by the United States Senate Select Committee to study governmental operations with respect to intelligence activities, which became the Church Committee, named after Senator Frank Church, who chaired the committee during the year of massive investigation into intelligence abuses. Before he did investigative journalism and wrote for a series of publications, including the Philadelphia Magazine, the New York Times, and the illustrious Penthouse Magazine. How Fonzie went from penthouse to the House of Representatives Select Committee on Assassinations in 1977 is remarkable.
He uncovered anti-Castro Cuban exile groups and links that these groups had with the CIA and the Mafia. The CIA's Fonzie uncovered testimony on Cuban exile Antonio Vinciana that would begin the entire it was the CIA who killed JFK thing. Fonzie asserted that based on testimony from Vinciana, CIA officer Attlee Phillips was found conferring with Lee Harvey Oswald. In fact, though it seems like a shitty attempt to just pretend to be Oswald and blame him for everything, Fonzie was convinced that Phillips had played a key role in the assassination of President Kennedy. Phillips was repeatedly accused of involvement in the JFK assassination by like a shit ton of people. The House Select Committee on Assassinations investigated accusations from Cuban exile Antonio Vinciana that Phillips had met Lee Harvey Oswald. In 1980, a book by Donald Freed and Fred Landis called Death in Washington was released, accusing him of involvement in several coups and assassinations all while being under the alias Maurice Bishop. Phillips sued them for libel in 1986. They settled for an undisclosed amount and retracted the allegations, as did Vinciana until 2014, when he retracted his retracted statements, doubling down on the fact that Phillips was the case officer for Oswald. An FBI informant and criminal Jack Van Langham claims his one time cellmate and bestie mob boss Carlos Marcello confessed to the killing in the 80s.
Of course, this guy seems entirely trustworthy.
And to make matters worse, Marcello was in his 70s and had several strokes in 1989. The same year the book Mafia Kingfish Carlos Marcello and the Assassination of JFK came out. Talk about conspiracies. What a convenient time to have a life threatening horrible medical incident. The CIA was probably behind his aging as well.
See, asking why not so incessantly is like Joe Rogan getting caught saying it's entirely possible about a thousand times. People start talking like this when the information available hasn't yet caught up with the truth. When the world seems so chaotic that we concoct any reason whatsoever to forego a possibly life saving vaccine and instead take a nearby dose of horse tranquilizer. Don't get me wrong. There are a ton of really interesting factoids and personalities that occurred surrounding the Kennedy assassination. After hearing them, you're probably sitting there going, hmm, everyone's writing about the government's involvement and the cover up, I guess I can just put all these things together and I'll find the truth.
But I literally just tried to do that in front of you. You were here.
And the problem remains the same. Despite the years of conflicting testimony and deathbed confessionals, there hasn't been one damning piece of real hard evidence to turn these conspiracies into reality.
So heading west, the grassy knoll is in front of Kennedy. The Book Depository is behind him.
But that makes sense. It can't make sense.
It's the Warren Commission report for God's sake. That is until right now we've obtained a special piece of footage that's never been made public. And we're going to show it to you here for the first time on this bullshit history show. It's a clip of a secret meeting between three representatives from the CIA, the Mafia, and Cuban exiles planning the biggest hit job of all time. Now, why did they record this? Who knows? Seems just about as stupid as us having this clip in the first place. Let's see it.
All right, fellas. Now, let's all make sure we have the plan together on three. Ready? One, two, three. We're going to go to President John F. Kennedy in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963 with Justice is motorcade region.
Anyone going to show up on the line because they're all going to blame it on some shit. Jinx. You owe me a coke. You tell her, am I late again?
Motherfuck this guy. You guys, you can't kill Kennedy all by yourself. Let the Frenchman do it.
Wow. Powerful stuff. Hopefully, you were all able to pick up on the subtleties in that clip. I know I had to watch it a few times to really get into it, but there you have it.
Mystery totally solved and knowledge gained. You can rest absolutely sure that you are right and not lost down some weird rabbit hole where you're basing all of your knowledge off the one program that just so happens to fit your narrative. That's what we aim for here on the history according to Cracked. Of course, I'm not really into conspiracy theories, but I am certain of one thing.
Doesn't taste anything like pennies. Outrun for president.
It's a thankless job and your head might explode. Thanks for watching the history according to Cracked.
I'm Brian Morabito. How are you? |
SaturdayNightLive | the_tomboy_saturday_night_live | Hey. hey. little help, buddy. you. little help. throw it over, Spencer. what are you doing? I tell you what, how about I just bring it over to you? just throw it, Spencer. throw it. Well, here goes nothing. nice toss, twinkle toss. hey, where'd you learn how to throw ballet school?
I said I didn't want it and throw it and you guys made me. that eyeshadow looks really good on you. what color is it? it's frosted peach. I stole it from my mom. oh, it looks great. Thanks. hey, guys. Oh, hi, Teresa. where'd you get that outfit? from the hardware store? Yeah. and nice mascara. Yeah, well, for your information, I ain't wearing no mascara.
I'm sorry. I guess it must be motor oil.
Hey, is anybody sitting here? are you kidding? No one wants to sit next to a sissy.
Yeah. well, it's better than being a tomboy. I wish I knew something about makeup. makeup? simple. it's just a matter of matching complementary colors. Well, where'd you learn that? I go with my mom to the beauty shop all the time. you should just find out if you're a summer or an autumn. Hmm, you're definitely an autumn. it's easy. well, maybe easy for you, but all I'm good at is fixing cars and throwing footballs and teaching other people how to throw footballs. Yeah. hey, that gives me an idea. what are you doing after school? nothing. Why? come here. it's the tomboy and the sissy. she's a fan. he's real frizzy. on their own, they don't belong. they put them together, they can't go wrong. they're the tomboy and the Sissy.
Hey, Tubby, go deep. Man, you can really throw the ball, Spence. Yeah, it's just Spence took over at quarterback. we haven't lost a game. Yeah, what happened to you, Spence? yeah, you used to throw like a girl. well, I don't know. some girls throw pretty good. what? nothing.
Hey, Mark, since you're not starting quarterback anymore, can you go to the dance with me on Friday? no can do, Stephanie. I got other plans. Hey, Teresa, what's up? Hi, Mark. your eyeshadow looks really good, Teresa. you really think so? yeah. hey, listen, you want to go to the dance with me Friday night? sure. great. Listen, there's one thing I want you to do for me first. Okay, Mark, whatever you want. you see that sissy over there who took my place on the football team? I want you to beat the living crap out of him. beat up, Spencer. you want to go out with me or what? there's plenty of other chicks out there. Well, okay, I'll do it. Hey, Spencer, come here. I got a question about my eyeshadow. shh. let's talk outside, okay? see you later, Mark. see you Friday, Teresa. can't wait, Mark. thanks, Spencer. no problem. good thing I had this. yeah. midnight blue is your color. |
SaturdayNightLive | male_confidence_seminar_snl | Say it again. I'm strong. I'm desirable. people want to have sex with me.
Now Roar like a lion. Roar!
I love her! Oh, give it up for Ron, everybody.
See? that's what male charisma training is all about. confidence. You see, I used to be a lot like you guys. awkward. hated my body. walked around like this. baaah! But then, I developed my social mastery program, and now, look at me! I stand like an alpha.
I've got the scarf. I often made it. You've taken my class before, Yes? Yes, sir. three times, yeah.
And I have an update. actually, I got a girlfriend now. How? yes. what was your approach? Well, she's not a girlfriend. you know, she's actually like a barista, so. huh. But, hey, you introduced yourself, right? uh, no, sir. mm-mm. so you saw a girl at a coffee shop. cool. round of applause for him. that's not nothing, folks. that's not nothing.
Yes, a question in the back? yeah, where do you want this water delivery? uh, I don't know, dude. do I look like I work for the hotel? Oh, okay. my apologies. you, question. um, yeah. um, I'm pretty lonely.
I have a job. I feel like I'm doing everything right. um, I just get nervous that women are going to make fun of me if I approach them. mm-hmm. mm-hmm. and what do you do for work? I critique female stand-ups on youtube. sure. sure.
Look, after one session here, nothing will rattle you.
Okay? watch this. anybody out there, anybody, say the meanest thing you can think of me. anybody. forehead. I'm sorry. sorry, what does that even mean? Forehead.
Okay. sure. it's just funny, because I don't, like, have weird foreheads. just keep talking, goofy. I'm not goofy. I'm actually regular.
Mm. all right. Listen, when you approach a lady, what you want to do is you want to take an alpha body stance. broad shoulders. Mm. broad foreheads. Sir! Sir, I'm fine.
If you stay. just don't interrupt me, please. Nah, I might. I might. Oh, okay. look, no matter what a lady throws at you, and they can say some pretty random stuff. just roll with it. I'll show you. I need a volunteer.
Oh, I think you stood up first, sir? bro, if you're cool with it, you know what I'm saying? you don't mind if I do this, right? yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. See, Dexter's lab is cool with it. mm-hmm. go ahead, goofy. Psh. not goofy. All right. I'm going to do what I call a basic opening. Hey, goddess. what's your name? you a bitch. hey. hey. just do the exercise. what's your name? Forehead Jackson. it's not. please, sit down. Mm, nah, I'm good here. that's fine. any final questions? yeah.
I was wondering if you have any tips on coping with having a big old forehead. I don't have a big old forehead, okay?
I'm not like you, dude. I'm cool. got the scarf, the rings. you know I'm in charge like immediately. you got a Jimmy Neutron head, bro. he kind of does. No. no, my head's regular. not Jimmy Neutron. Yeah, it's like F. Jimmy Neutron if he did street magic. that's you.
No, it's not. damn it. actually, actually, look. y'all want to go get a burger? I feel like I could teach you some things. Oh, okay. yeah, yeah, yeah. where are you guys going? I want to come, too. Okay. |
cracked | stuff_you_didn_t_know_about_reno_911 | it was originally supposed to be a sketch show called Ugly Americans. But when Fox wasn't into the pitch, they switched it up to be a parody of the show Cops. They didn't have time to rewrite this new format before shooting the pilot, so they just improvised. Wouldn't know it from watching the show because she's amazing, bam, bam. But Nissi Nash had never taken a single improv class, nor did she even know what improv comedy was. So much of the show was improvised, even their names were improvised. Every single actor was asked to come up with their own deputy name on the spot. Co-creator and actor Robert Ben Garrant said that he would use the mustache he had on the show to hide how much he was laughing because people would break all the time.
Bop and pop all the time. And if you see people dipping their head down, that's because they're starting to break. Just watch Carlos. Carlos laughs a lot. Also when he goes, God damn it, and walks away, that means he's laughing.
One of our writers sat down with the creators and just about every single cast member from Reno 911, so there's a lot more fun facts over in the article. Link in bio. |
SaturdayNightLive | taboo_snl | Okay, um, um, your parents live by once. uh, school. no. uh, beach. Yes! time's up! Oh! y'all did so good.
You sure you've never played Taboo before? scores nine to nine. The Cul-de-sac game night beat Wildin. Sweetheart, don't say Wildin. right.
Next, making their game night debut, our new neighbors, Sasha and Ian. the noobs. Thanks again for having us. this is really fun. yeah, we're so excited to get to know you guys. Oh my God, of course. here, neighbors are family.
So remember, you need him to guess the word on top without using any of the words underneath it. if you do, you get buzzed. they know, honey. All right, ready? Go! Ok, um, I love buying these online. oh boy, uh, shoes, candles. No, no. last week, you were like, honey, the last thing you need is another?
Gun. Yes. yes. um, he's saying gun.
Ok, oh, ok, I'm really cranky in the morning until I've had my acid. Yes. oh, oh, my nickname for your penis. tiny Tim. the other one. garbage. Yes. Ok, uh, oh, at Couples Therapy, we took those tests. Personality. Yes, and you're a Type A, and I'm a? sociopath. ding, ding. Oh, um, ok, the night we met, I was on? Ketamine. and? on parole. And? on fire. Yes!
Yes. um, Ok, who's this? Amanda. oh, uh, Amanda. Amanda. who is our? daughter.
Yes. yes. it's fine. Oh, you too. did it go? And now we switch and Sasha guesses, right? yeah, sorry. the night you met, you were on fire? Oh, yeah. it was so dumb. we were young and crazy. we were in our 30s. Yeah, so, all right, ready? Ok, we switched, and ok, ready? All right, babe, you ready?
Yeah, this is really exciting. I know, right? it's turning me on. uh-oh. it's happening. All right. it's happening. that's awesome.
Remember, we're in public. hey! time starts now. Ok, um, oh, you always steal these from hotels. cars. Yeah. Hi. hi, hi. yes. Ok, check me. no, not right now, babe. when we get home, when we get home. Ok, um, ok, last night, when we argued, you threw one of these at me. oh, wow, ok, uh, plate, uh, mug, uh, phone, ipad, pro, ipad mini, um, a little, uh, kettle, uh, fish tank, uh, butter knife, uh, steak knife, uh, butcher knife, uh, god, uh, just do me on this ugly couch right now. no, baby, no. baby, no. time's up. Oh. well, that was fun. that was fun. who's next? uh, him and her. But, but, so what was the answer? what did she throw at you? Oh, our dog. Yes. |
TheOnion | Your_Insides_Look_Like_Smashed_Tomatoes_Dr_Good_Ep_1 | Welcome to the show, I'm Dr. Goode, second opinion panel. How are you guys doing? Goode now. Who wants some pills? All right.
Well, today we're going to show you some cheap, homemade alternatives to the sun. And a little later, we're going to tell you how to get knee deep in some strange after 60.
But first, we all see the outsides of our bodies, but health is just as much about the insides. Our resident female, Dr. Lisa, helps us visualize those insides. Thanks, Dr. Goode. Let's say our body is this paper bag. Hey, I wish I had that figure. Well, that's just the outside.
There's a lot of complex stuff going on on the inside too. So it's more like this bag if we dumped a bucket of smashed tomatoes into it. And that's like the organs and blood and all that stuff. Yep. I've used tomatoes with a big fork for a while, then with a hammer. I also stepped on them a little bit too. That is pretty much what it looks like when I'm performing surgery on someone. For doctors, it can be pretty hard digging around with all that stuff.
And of course, there's all those bones in there too, which are basically the same as these chicken bones. You got to watch out for the bones. Unless, of course, you're looking for a bone and then it's good when you find one.
You see this? This is what you look like. Would you ladies like to see it up close?
They love it. Their faces are wonderful canvases. May I kiss them?
You may. So, Dr. Lisa, our bodies are more than just red stuff, isn't that right? Did you know that over 60% of Americans are overweight? Holy ****. So floating in all of this red stuff, you've got fat, which looks a lot like this large cube of butter. Wow, look at that. Yep, that's what that looks like. You really want to do this to yourselves, America? Of course, this is a healthy bag of tomatoes, but let's see what would happen if we introduce a virus or this adobo powder. So that big clump of powder looks like a virus floating in your body. At first, but when I mix it up... You can't see it anymore. See? That's why viruses are so dangerous. It's strange to think that when I love someone, I'm really just loving a bag full of stuff like this. Okay, but our bodies are more than just gore and lard, isn't that right, Dr. Lisa?
That's right. There's also excrement, which looks a lot like this soil. And this is just regular soil you bought at the soil store. Yep. Now, what we have... Oh, see that?
That is what it looks like when you have an ulcer. Get those ulcers checked out.
The first row of our audience should have bags under their seats, so stand up and hold those bags. That's what your body would feel like if it were empty. Let's get those insides in there. Not so easy to keep those bodies alive, is it? And we have to deal with that every day.
Who do you respect more now? Doctors! That's right. Who wants soil? We'll be right back.
Coming up on Dr. Good, we'll check up on the development of the perfect human who has entered its third trimester. Perfect human is looking perfect.
I should know I'm creating it. I'm not just playing God, I'm making God.
Plus, what does it look like on the inside? Here's a hint, all white. Coming up on Dr. Good. |
dropout | the_weird_reason_we_think_vitamins_are_good_for_us_they_re_not_adam_ruins_everything | Vitamins are the key to health, and perhaps secure for the common cold. Now how many of you have ever heard of vitamin megadosis? Ooh, ooh, I have. But I've also heard of fairies and the Loch Ness Monster, and those won't cure your cold either. What? Vitamin supplements don't cure colds, they don't prolong your life, and in some cases they may actually be harmful. So what are vitamins?
Huge pills that smell like old olives? Wrong! Anyone else? Candy that's shaped like cartoon characters. Wrong again!
You're both thinking of vitamin supplements. What are the vitamins themselves? Um, little bits of goop that your body needs? I love you, Tom. Exactly. They're a collection of various micronutrients that are essential for your body to function normally. Yes! So vitamins make us healthy. Except that, by definition, vitamins are nutrients we only need a tiny little bit of, and normally we get plenty of them from the food we eat.
Arrr, but what if I contract scurvy? You won't. Scurvy is caused by an extreme lack of vitamin C. Pirates used to get it because they ate nothing but hard-tack biscuits for months. But if you eat normal food in normal quantities, you'll be fine.
Like just eat a lemon, ever. Mmm, it comes so better already indeed. But getting more vitamins is even better!
No it isn't.
Vitamins are sort of like cats. If you have no cats, you'll be lonely. If you have a cat or two, you'll feel better. But that's enough cats. No one needs to load up on cats. Just like with cats, you don't want to overdo it.
Studies show that taking too much of some vitamins, like A, D, or E, can actually make you sick. Well even if that's true, mega-dosers of vitamin C will cure nothing. Vitamin C does not treat or cure the common cold, and products that claim it does are nonsense.
Remember airborne? Sure. The cold medicine created by a school teacher, it keeps you from getting colds from touching the magazines on airplanes. That is not true. Who gave you a medical license? Oprah.
Airborne is a cocktail of plain old vitamins that was marketed as a cure for the common cold. But in 2006, they were sued for false advertising, and ended up paying out $23 million. Airborne doesn't cure anything, it's basically just bubbles. But when I take vitamin C, it makes me feel better. Yes, the placebo effect is very powerful. But that's all it is. In reality, at least 15 different studies have concluded that vitamin C does not treat the common cold. Hey, it's not my fault everyone believes vitamins are magic, it's Linus Pauling's fault.
Great, can I go back to doing my show now? No, no, do not pan away, come on!
Linus Pauling was a genius chemist, and the only person in history to be awarded two solo Nobel Prizes. He was one of America's true scientific celebrities. Linus, I love your chemistry. Your research is amazing! But in the early 70s, Pauling became obsessed with the idea of living forever, and basically went vitamin crazy. Great Niels Bohr's ghost, I've got it. He began claiming that massive doses of vitamin C could prevent the common cold, prolong your life, and even cure cancer. And because he was a celebrity scientist, the media trusted him.
So these Vitapils will cure my sniffles? That's right. And get this. Never get sick or die. Sounds pretty far out. Oh, yeah. But if the smartest cat in America is saying it, it must be true. Up next is Charo and puppet superstar, Madam. No, no, no, no, no, no, you don't, you're going back to my show. Where is it? This way.
But repeated studies have proven that Pauling was totally wrong. There is no medical basis for his claims. And in 1994, he actually died of cancer, the very disease he claimed vitamins would cure. You're telling me that vitamin supplements are a lie, and we only believe in them because one man went crazy.
Yeah. Pauling was the Michael Jackson of nutrition. He totally changed the game. We had no idea how crazy he was, and 40 years later, we're still humming the tunes. Wow.
That's bad. It's bad. You know it.
Hey, I'm Adam from College Humor. If you like that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Ruins Everything, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on TruTV. It's going to ruin your Tuesday, but trust me, the rest of your week will be fine. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_all_my_children_wrap_party_snl | And yes, after 41 years on television, all my children is finally coming to an end. But I, Susan Lucci, a.k.a. Erica Kane, Ugh! they. I just want to thank everyone in our wonderful crew for coming tonight. Everyone? it can't be! That's right, it's me, Cornelius Devanche. the very first stage manager of all my children.
I wasn't invited to your little party, not that you would have noticed. And why should I have noticed? Because I'm your husband. Not so fast. that wedding wasn't legal and you know it.
Who are you? Maxwell Fiske. the show's lighting designer from the mid-90s. that's right, the very same lighting designer that fell into a well. Or was I pushed? you're just a lighting designer. what are you going to do about it?
Chest. This! Not so fast!
Grover Kensington, the old hair and makeup artist? Yes. that Grover Kensington. But you died 24 years ago in a wig fire. did I? or was it just a mannequin in a well-made wig? It's great to see you again, old friend.
Are you married? Yes, yes, I got two kids, and you? I have cancer.
All right, please, everyone. let's keep it positive. why don't we all go around the room and share our fondest memories? We'll start with our associate producer, Glenda St. Jesus. I'd love to share my memories, Susan, but I. I have amnesia. Okay. does anyone else have amnesia? What about our old story editor, Michelle Von Trachtenberg? I would tell you, but I'm in a coma. nice try. it's Jozsz Szczyszewski, the scenic designer and Hungarian industrialist. that's right. the same Jozsz Szczyszewski who got shot in the face.
Or was I pushed? Not so fast. Nope, wrong room, I'm sorry. not so fast.
Grover, you're a doctor, too? No, I'm Grover, his evil twin. I mean, his regular twin.
And I have the results right here. I'm afraid that you all tested positive for being great friends all these years. oh, over. as well as Aids. All right, stop. you're all ruining my celebration. exactly. it's your celebration. This show's been on the air for 41 years. and Susan Lucci is the only person anybody can remember that the rest of us never got our due. like our old line producer, Chet Swanson. I will miss you. and our fan operator, Wendell Skaggs. operate the fans? Or was I pushed? And what about Shaz Manadou, the old costume designer? Why, she disappeared after she gave birth to nine babies at the same time, all by different fathers. Oh, really? think again. Chez! Cornelius, I've enjoyed having a secret backstage affair with you all these years, but there's something I need to tell you. one of your babies is my son? No, you are my daughter. And I'm Susan Lucci. You're welcome. |
dropout | my_so_called_homeland | Previously on My So-Called Homeland We have reports that Abu Nazir is planning an attack on US soil. Is it possible to die of boredom? And so then he's like, please get my family out of Iran. And I'm like, get my family out of my business.
Hey, you're Angela, right? What? No, I mean, yeah. I'm Nick Brody. I think you're in my debriefing. I'm the dude who was tortured by Al-Qaeda for eight years. Oh, I remember. That's cool. I mean, that sucked. I mean... What she means is, nice to meet you.
The lunchroom drowns one by one. We eat the pizza, but they feed us lies.
That's your intelligence report? He told us to be creative. I meant to fabricate details.
Oh. So do you think Brody likes me?
America will be biased. It's okay. If he doesn't, I wouldn't. This is the land of liars and whores. Okay, okay. There's probably nothing.
But Abu Nazir, heard from Tom Walker. Who heard from Tino?
That Brody totally likes you. Likes me or likes me likes me?
Fuck you! Tom. I just heard a rumor that you're... Oh, it's so dumb. Of what? Terrorists.
Angela, get real. I'm a marine. All I want to do is serve my country and get to second base with you. Kill the last president.
Angela, are you dating a terrorist? I don't know, Saul. But he might be a terrorist. I don't know if we're dating. He says we're not, but then when I kissed David Estes, he got all moody.
So I guess it's over between us. I sound like a Meg Ryan movie. This is for you. A confession? The Klan murders. Bye. It's like REM says. Everybody hurts sometimes. But this time, I wouldn't cry. I was gonna be okay. And I think Brody was too. |
dropout | if_couples_acted_like_they_do_on_facebook | Chris, look at this article, seven museums we have to check out this summer. Wow, we're going. I'm going? No, I think he's still going to his girlfriend.
Michelle, I want one! This is too cute. Sushi? Yes?
There's just no need to involve us in this conversation.
Yes, so I'm going to get like a motorcycle and just cruise around the whole country. It's going to be fantastic. That's amazing. I've actually eaten Pad Thai before. You can have it straight off the pad when you're there. It's fantastic.
Michelle. Oh, hi. No, I'm called Will. Hello. Oh my God.
Per our combo last night, why aren't we there right now? Who's convo? I don't know what you want me to say right now. Aren't they just talking to each other? I don't know.
Well, I guess technically they are, just in a way that everybody can hear it. Hey Zach, can I get that pen? Chris! LOL, it certainly is mightier. Oh my God. Stop! I know you're doing some kind of inside joke, but I truly don't know.
I know it's Wednesday, but I couldn't wait till my man crush Monday, because it's this tall, dark, and handsome guy right here, Chris Anderson. This song reminds me of my girlfriend. Wow. I know we're kind of too much on Facebook, but I truly feel like the luckiest guy on Earth. Happy anniversary, Michelle. I love you.
You know, it's easy to make fun of this, but who are we to judge? I guess you're right. I mean, they're clearly having fun, and who are we to say how much is too much?
And they broke up. It feels so good to be single. Good to finally hang with my buds again. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_190_Spanian_Part_2 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. And welcome back for part two of the Batooter Advocate's interview with Spanion. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, and of course, Errol Parker, editor-at-large of the Batooter Advocate.
In this episode, we'll be talking to Spanion about jail, not necessarily boys' home. But let's talk about the big house here and everything that came, including his descent into or ascent, depends which way you want to look at it, into organized crime before the big sting that landed him in jail for his longest stretch and his redemption from there. As Spanion would say, let's o-gaze. So I want to kind of talk about that journey into, you know, I don't know what you'd call it leaving juvie into, you know, up there with the big boys.
You write, you know, your first kind of place you stayed, you actually didn't mind the food and the clothes they gave you and the sneakers that they gave you as you, you know, your first trial at juvie. Juvie, juvie. At juvie.
And then where did you find, you went to a lot of different jails around New South Wales, where was the worst? To say the worst, everything is the best and worst in its own respect. But funny enough, probably the worst jail to be at is the jail I've done most of my time and that would be Bathurst was seen as a punishment wing.
Jails are built in generations and they're all built on blueprints of each other. So not every jail is an individual jail. They're blueprinted off each other and they're built like four at a time, you know. And the original outlay of jails was the old dungeon type jail. And that was built in the 19th century. And that was jails like Long Bay, Maitland, Parramatta, Goulburn and Bathurst. So if you go to those jails, those jails are like, yeah, they're, they're almost blueprints of each other. Like even from bird's eye views, the cells are the same, everything. So those jails are, it's a full dungeon.
There is no showers in your cell. There is no windows that close. The windows are open, it's barred. So if you're in jail, I've done, I've done like three, four winters in a row in Bathurst with no window.
So at the back wall, up say the top of your arm height, so you'd have to jump up to look out. There is a window. It's a pretty big window. It is probably about a meter wide, probably about 60 centimeters high. And what stops you getting out is just three thick bars that make it impossible to fit anything through. But there is complete exposure.
It gets proper cold in Bathurst, doesn't it? It gets so cold, it gets so cold that at least four months a year when you walk out in the morning, because you get let out and say, this is two with the daily routine of Bathurst to add it on top of, and the summers are ridiculous.
The daily routine about this is you get up at, used to be like this. You get up at 7 a.m. and you've got half an hour in the wing. And that's your shower time. That's the time you've got to clean your cell and do absolutely everything.
Use a microwave if you can fit in line. And then you're out at 7.30 into the yard, which is, it's a triangle shaped yard that has nothing but concrete, no grass, no dirt, no nothing. One corner is a toilet and one phone. One corner is a chin-up bar and a dip bar. That's it.
There's no seats in the yard. There's no nothing. No green, no grass. No green, no grass, no nothing.
And into that yard pours two different wings, each wing 64 people. So there's 120 people in this yard.
And you just find your place on the concrete. And you sit there, and that's it. And you sit there, and to line up for the phone, it's like maybe a two hour thing. So you put a knock in. It's called a knock in.
Not all jails are like this. This is why I'm explaining why Bathurst is the worst. You put a knock in, and you might be like 13th or 14th in line on the phone. There's a lot of arguments, people getting ahead. It's actually one of the highest tension points is lining up for the phone in the whole jail system. It's probably more fights over the phone would only be second to drugs in jail. And you're in that yard until 2.45.
And then you've got 15 minutes back in the wing to have a shower. There's four showers, 64 inmates. The hot water goes for about five minutes. So legit, there's four showers. This is crazy. All right, there's four shower heads. Each shower, it's a normal thing to cycle. So each shower would have four people under it at once.
I'm not talking no big powerful shower head. I'm talking like the worst house you can rent, $240 a week. Yeah, roadside motel. Yes, that shower head, like it's small.
And so there's four of you that rotate in each shower. So that way 16 people can share at once. All right. And you rotate like in whatever direction and you each get about like 10 seconds under the water. And while you're rotating, so imagine like four positions and then bang, you're under and then you're left, back, right, under. And you're soaping up and cleaning yourself and then bang. And you've got your 10 seconds rinsed off and you do another round because you haven't washed properly. You do like three, four rounds and then like the next four are in.
And that's how bad it was.
I've had showers, so many showers, where I didn't get back to the temperature because you said how cold it is there. When you come out four months a year into the yard at Bathurst, the taps don't work and there will be in the lowest point of the concrete where the water would gather sheets of ice that you could like pick up, shatter on the floor and like stab someone with it. It's proper cold there. It's proper cold. You could ice skate in the mornings.
That's your life at Bathurst. I've done years in a row like that. I want to talk about in that yard, you mentioned at the start, nationality people break off into that and your background and you as the Spaniard with your mate, the Colombian. But you spend a lot of time and you read this in the book, you spend a lot of time around the queries, Redfern, Woolamaloo, Glebe.
I want you to explain to the listeners right now, because it's a term I'd never heard of before and I have good reason because I've never been incarcerated in New South Wales. The term magpie, explain what that is. Because that's an interesting archetype you've introduced me to. Yes, sweet.
So in jail, the biggest ways to get protection is to be part of the one of the four biggest majorities. And that is the aboriginals, some people call them the Lebos, but it's more the Muslims, all right, because anyone can be part of it. So the Muslims, the Khuris, the Islanders and the Asians. If you want to be part of it, if you want to be sort of safe, it doesn't mean you're safe, you don't walk around and do what you want. I've seen 100 Lebos, 100 Khuris, 100 Islanders get chopped.
You know what I mean? That doesn't mean anything.
It comes and goes. If you're part of it, then you have to, there's sometimes you might just be bashful hanging around them. So in some ways it's worse.
But anyway, back to the point is that magpie is people who are absolutely not aboriginal in any sense. And I'm not talking people who are, I'm not talking Feskin Khuris, which there are plenty, and there's like a lot of historical reasons that that exists. I'm talking people that are legitimately white, pretending they're aboriginal. That's what a magpie is.
You said some people take it quite far with the tattoos. Oh, so the best way, you know, you can tell by the effort someone puts in that they're trying to make up for something. So you'll see a Khuri bloke will just be himself. Then you see even a fair skinned Khuri. Then just then you can say the way they talk, the way they hold themselves, you know they're aboriginal. You know where they've grown up and this and that. When you see a white person attempting to be aboriginal, they have every visual iconic thing that they can have. So they got a tattoo on their hand of the aboriginal flag. They've made themselves out of dental floss and red, yellow, and black beads, a necklace, rings, bracelets, like anklets that are all in the aboriginal beads. So when you look, you can't mistake them. They will get a text down, and I'll draw the aboriginal flag on their shirt.
That's the end. And then you just, no, you look at them like, bro, relax.
How did you get away with it? You know, growing up with all the Khuris, sitting with the Khuris, how did you get away with not being put on the magpie?
Oh, because I never said I was aboriginal. It's being a magpie is pretending you're aboriginal. Being a magpie isn't a white person that hangs around an aboriginal. It's pretending you're aboriginal.
So that's very two completely different things. So me, it was just completely natural.
All of my friends, except for the younger friends, the couple that are, I'm from an area where it's all aboriginals. Everything I learnt, my mannerisms, the slang that I use, were all learnt off Khuris. All of my girlfriends throughout my teenage years, early 20s, were aboriginal. My first son is aboriginal. Everything about me, other than my blood, was aboriginal, right?
And I'm saying that from the streets. So when I go to jail, I may look like a Muslim or like Lebanese, and a lot of times the Lebos or Turks would come up to me and thinking I'm one of them, and they'll hear two words come out of my mouth, and they'd look at each other like, why does he talk like that? You know what I mean? So anyway, it was just, all jokes aside, it's completely natural.
I'm in jail with my best friends. My co-offenders that I get locked up with are aboriginal. So I'm in jail with the boys from my area, the boys that are who are in my crew, YWB, my searching crew, they're all Khuri.
How can I not hang around Khuris? And at the start, it was not like I was accepted as a Khuri.
Was it testy? Did it ever get a bit funny with all the other guys you didn't grow up with? So, around anyone from the city, no. It was that Spangian. He's one of us. I did read you had a bit of trouble in Grafton.
In Kempsi. During my first adult sentence, I went to Kempsi.
Because you got to understand, even in the aboriginal community in jail, not all Khuris are like best friends. You know what I'm saying? That's it. Like even amongst the islanders, there's some moments, fight with the Tongans, even amongst, we all know the Lebows, they all kill each other all the time. You know what I mean? So it doesn't mean just because you're Khuri, that just like every Khuri's gonna love you, or be hanging around Khuris. So not only am I actually not aboriginal, but I'm like seen as one of the red fern, the Bulo boys, the Khuri boys, you know what I mean? But then I'm in jail with all the Kempsi Khuris from the mission up there. And you know what I mean? So it's like, he's from red. But anyway, having said that, I was still accepted pretty well.
The young lads from all the rural areas, so the young lads from the missions at like Dubbo and Kempsi and all the famous areas out there. Moray. Moray and stuff.
They were all like, as soon as they knew, they were like, where are you from bro? I said, Bulo, red fern. Okay, come on bro, let's go. Like I'm with them.
But what you're referring to is the elders are a bit different, right? The elders for their own experiences and rightfully so, maybe, maybe not. They see people of any other race attempting to have anything to do more with them than what already happened to them as just the hatred, computer hatred. Like they would be like, so one day I remember like the elders, one of the elders, I think it was from, it was in Kempsi jail, but I actually think that elder, the uncle we call him, I think he was from Wilcannia. Way out back, these people live in the red dirt.
You know what I mean? And he looked at, like he said, in the young brothers, which is what the careers are called, the brothers. So the uncle seen the young brothers sitting with someone that looks like a Lebo, right? I look like a Lebo or Turk or something like that. And he's walked up, he's like, and you got to understand at this time too, so this is 2003 or four, this is very racial system.
Now it's not, now no one cares. Now in January, I think it's like jail gangs. It's not a race thing anymore. It's like, I joined this gang before it was your Nasho.
And you're talking, say back then, the Lebos and the Kouris were fighting. He walked up, he seen a Lebo looking person sitting with the young brothers and going, what are you seeing with this cunt? This white cunt like that. And they're like, he's one of the boys, he's from Redfern. No, fuck this white land grabber and can't get this putrid cunt away from us. Like that's how they said it to him.
I'm 18 years old in Kempsey, a jail where it's just full Kouris. One of the elders who I later found out is a violent person in jail.
He's like telling them, fuck this, can put me on the thing. So they just like, if he said to them, you just need to bash him, they would have done it. But he didn't say that, he just said, why hang around this putrid land grabber and white, whatever he put me on, everything under the sun. And so they just put their head down and like, I put my head down, he walked off, surrounded himself. And then they all looked at each other and they go, don't worry about him, he's just an angry cunt.
And then I was like, that was like the legitimately the first time that I was ever like scared in jail. Like scared something was gonna happen to me. Like I thought something was gonna happen to me just for my race, you know what I mean? But that was the only experience I ever had like that. It was only a sentence or two.
By the time I was 20, 21 years old, I'd spent that entire time in jail too. So like 18, 19, 20, 21, the whole time's in jail. By the time I was 21, I was a Koori.
Like I was an honorary Koori. Like I was, yeah, yeah. There would even be like in the last sentence I was in. Like- I wouldn't even see it on your podcast, all your guests, all your mates that you grew up with. Yeah, yeah. And it could come to my later years of jail that like I would go to a yard and I would be one of them.
I'm not saying I'm Koori. No one get it wrong to say I'm putting I'm Koori, but that's my crew. I would be one of the main boys of the Kooris. Like I would have younger brothers that are looking up to me. Like I'm the older Koori, you know what I mean? And like the other Lebos would, if there was an issue with Kooris would, or Islanders or something, would come and say something to me. Like, bro, what's going on with that young Koori?
Bro, tell him something because he's talking shit to that Island. You know, and I'd say something, bro.
So it got that, but I was completely accepted. Except for that one time, yeah. Yeah, except for in a particularly hairy kind of situation.
Your last release was? 2017, wasn't it? 2017. Yeah, 2017.
And in your book, it reads like you're finding different mindsets as you go. You get off the gear, you know, that's the first thing. You get off the gear, you're still involved in crime. And then, in fact, in that point, when you're off the gear, it becomes a little less pointless and street, like feed myself, it becomes a bit more organized.
Yeah, it becomes worse. Yeah, it becomes worse in bigger sentences.
Yeah, yeah. And, you know, the cross kind of comes, it plays a bigger role in your life. Can you tell us in that parcel of time in your life where you're off the gear, there's nothing. Obviously, after all that incarceration and all that time in certain suburbs, and you pick up addictions, and you were using, and you're quite honest about it in your book. But then you were clean, and all of a sudden you got cash, and lots of it. And you know the area well enough to run a proper operation.
What were you doing? What was happening? How much money were you making? Can you tell us?
Oh, so the time you're talking about is when I got out in 2011. Up until that point, that was the longest time I spent out of jail in my life. I spent 10 months out of jail, and I'd never done that before. I think my previous record before that was four months. So I'd spent 10 months out of that time, and I was on a complete mission to live to the extreme, the other side of crime.
The other side of crime. So like being young, I went from a violent, let's have fun criminal. Bash anyone, stab anyone, steal everything, get drunk, smash cars. Then it went to drug addiction. It was like, live in the shadows, steal everything, use drugs, and hang out, and just rubbish, like sad crime, right? That was where a lot of my sneaky crimes come into it.
In a way it was good, right? In a way it was good, like being a heroin addict definitely makes you less violent. So in a way it was good. It was like, it was like I was, if I had no other choice but to be a criminal in the street, which was the mindset and what's gonna happen regardless, heroin was like the damper on that.
You know what I mean? So it probably saved me a lot from like killing people and stuff like that. You know what I mean?
But anyway, after that, I'd lived like that heroin addict, so. You know, in hindsight, it wasn't actually very long because now when I think of the boys I grew up with, who are nearly all on heroin till today, they've been on heroin for 20 something years. So I got on heroin when I was a teenager and jumped off when I was 20.
Yeah, you're right. You know what I mean?
So like, and to be honest with then, but I was injecting as a teenager, ejecting a lot when in the small pockets, in that three, four year period where I was on the gear in the streets, I was probably only on in the streets, like I said, two months here, three months here. So to be completely honest, if you look back over a four year period, probably eight of those months I was actually in the streets of heroin addict. But I did do it to the extreme. Back to the point, I wanted to live to the other side.
I was always stealing everything and selling it to someone. And someone's taking my money and taking my goods and this and that. And I just made it a mission that I'm gonna do everything that you would visualize a successful criminal to do. Like a cool criminal, muscly and tattoos and nice cars and jewelry.
So that was my mission. And I achieved that very well. So I got out 2011 with straight away the mission. From the day I got out and I started organizing that day was to sell heroin. And I was to be that person.
So your mind just changed. You've got all this heroin around you.
You have no thoughts of doing it. No, not at all.
So I got off heroin in 2007. So I'd already been off heroin for four years at this point. But the first time I got out, so I got off 2007, I got out in 2008 and had the intentions of becoming a drug dealer now.
But the day I got out, I stabbed someone. So that put that on hold for three years. So now I had to do another three years. I was only out for six days, I think. Stabbed someone. Then I was hiding under people's beds for six days and got done. Anyway, so that was my holiday out. Three years later, I got out round two.
And I said to myself, like, there can't be any more stabbings because I forgot that when you're not on the heroin, you're a lot more, well, not every, when I'm not on the heroin, I have, it's a lot more likely to stab someone. So when I got out last time on the gear, I'm thinking I'm gonna go shoot up, give this and that. No one's getting stabbed. But now like I'm more healthy, that's it. I'm gonna take over the streets. The first person that said someone got stabbed in the neck.
And so I had to remember next time, it's like, all right, now use all that energy in a good way. So I did. So I said to myself, no violence. I got out, started selling the gear very successfully. Took me about a four month period to build it up from where I wouldn't sell a single point a night, I wouldn't make $50 to the point where it was 25, 26, 27 grand getting pulled in every 24 hours with me not lifting, me not, not only, I had numerous people like employed for me, not only wouldn't I see drugs, I wouldn't answer a call, I wouldn't see a single customer I didn't, I even had somebody to count and move my money for me. Yeah, right. So like I was living a life that was completely absence to my drug run by the end of it. And it sounds like a lot of money to me.
What were you driving? Oh, nothing, I didn't have a license. I didn't even have ID.
I owned three cars. I had a, yeah, no, no, I couldn't drive and I had two motorbikes as well. I had a Ducati at a GSXR, I had a Rexy Commodore. And my favorite car that I bought was a Typhoon FPV, like a turbo, it was like a race car. I bought it off someone had tuned it up. I don't know nothing about cars.
He was excited to get, I went there, I had like 52 grand in a garbage bag. And I went to like old Wentworthville, the suburb was called. And he's like, it was like some Italian bloke and I was like, he's baby. And he's going, I've done this, I've done that. He's showing, I go, I'm like, I'm just standing there listening.
And I was like, I don't care about it. And so kid, you want the money? He goes, what's that? And I said, that's the car. Cause you can paint me like that. Like, I don't want to hear it. Can I have the car or not?
In a plastic bag. Yeah, in a plastic bag.
And then so my missus at the time. Where's this come from? Yeah, my missus at the time had to drive it back because I wasn't taking no risks.
I'm making all this money with my criminal record, being on parole at the same time. If I got done for drive while on license, I'm going back to jail for two years.
I will not drive. There's no way.
Imagine having a drive. So you just owned it to own it? Really? Yeah, because that was part of it. Like how can I achieve what I wanted to achieve without having nice cars? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's also getting a lot of hot cash off your hands too, I guess.
And so what are you doing in the day? You said you don't even have to pick up a finger at this point, you're not even counting money. You're just the guy who's idea and you're obviously keeping an eye on it. But what are you doing during the day?
So I'll say towards the end when it was at its highest point, I would wake up, get a feed. Because this is like in the movie with the montage is happening where they're actually looking at you and the cops are getting closer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like House of the Rising Sun's playing. That's it.
My daily routine would be wake up, get a feed. I was living at Bondi Junction this time. I moved from the cross because it just got too out of control. Get a feed, go to Anytime Fitness.
I would most days contribute to my tattoos. So I'd go contribute to my tattoos most days. Nearly every day I was in there.
I can't, I got so painful for me. I do like 30 minute bursts. Like legit, after 30 minutes I'm crying.
So we'll do a few lines and then we'll come back tomorrow. So I'd build a sleeve over like 45 sessions. But yeah, and then I would eat summer again. I'll spend a lot of time in what we will call massage parlors.
Eating the most expensive food I can find, shopping all the time. I had an obsession with jewelry and diamonds. I had a lot of, I used to wear a lot of chains and jewelry was a big thing to me. At one time, say at that time I was walking around with a Breitling Montbrilliant Navitimer that I had diamonds put custom into. I had like a almost 30 grand diamond bracelet.
I had four chains on, one of them was custom made and it hung down to my nuts. It was 126 or 132, something like that. Forgive me, this is 10 years ago. If you unclip it was 130, roughly 130 centimeters long. So when I clipped it, it hung to my nuts.
It was all 18 karat white gold, diamonds in my face. I had diamonds put in things, the chain. I think it was 16 grand on desire, 16 grand on payment, I think. 32 grand that chain. And I had a couple other expensive chains on. For example, I had diamonds put into one of my Gantt jackets. Yeah, so I had a collar, I had like diamonds in it, like the disco era. Real diamonds, but like proper diamonds, yeah.
So after your whole life to this day, what inspired you to get on the social media after all of this? Straight out, this is something that just come about, like to be honest. So that era we're talking about of the glory days, Bondi Junction, that ends with a proper sting. Oh, so yeah, there was a proper sting, a task force. I was under investigation for, I think it was like 30 days, stacks of phone records, photos of me everywhere. Well and truly done, well and truly done. We weren't exactly secret.
I felt like, people asked me why was I, I would speak on the phone. It was no codes, I just didn't care. And I can understand how people from, normal people, civilians who jails a scary thing, it's like everything under the sun to not get caught, don't talk on the phone, give you a wink and touch your nose, stuff. For me, like I'm used to like jumping people's counters and you know what I mean? Kicking people's windows in and like, so to talk on a phone is nothing. I'm not talking in code. Take me to jail, that's my home.
But you do have a code, the Woolo boys did have a code. Oh, we have a code, but- Can you give us a little sample of that? At least I see a loud buzz in my loud cause where Lola cause him a lot extra Z. And I just basically said, this is my code and we call it Strachey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You weren't even using that on the phone. No, no, no, I wasn't even using that. It's couldn't be bothered. Like you got to understand, I know it's like, it is stupid in hindsight, but it just goes to show that the mentality that jail wasn't a thing to me, it wasn't a thing.
Like that's my home. I was out for 10 months at that time. And I was like, how am I even out? Like, what am I doing out here?
Like, I'm sick of- Institutionalize, you reckon? Yeah, I'm sick maybe. I'm sick of these massage parlors.
I got enough tattoos, like, what am I doing? Up at that point, so, that was when I was 25, 26 or something. I had never, until this day, worked a single job. I had never had ID, no birth certificate. I've lived my whole life like this.
That's why you say, well, you're driving them.
I didn't even have a birth certificate, let alone ID to go and sit for a test. I didn't exist in the real world. No bank account, nothing.
So I'm just there with all this illegal money. Everyone's watching me. And it's just like, bro, what am I doing? The only thing that, the only ID you have is the phone in your pocket, really.
Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's exactly right. And the number they gave you when you were 15. Yeah.
Oh, and the new one when I was 18. Yeah, when I first went to jail, yeah. And so from there, you have another mind shift. You're clean, you've lived that life, the lavish life. And then all of a sudden you kind of become this, what was the mind shift? We end up now, you're out of jail.
You've released some music. You've got a huge following, counter-cultural icon, I've heard you described as. Tea. Storyteller. And you're telling of a life that not many of us have heard about, certainly today.
What was the shift there? What was the shift in your mind to just go, okay, well, I'm not gonna stab anyone when I get out. I'm also not gonna sell any drugs.
All right, so when I got locked up the last time, 2012, my missus at the time was pregnant, my first son. He was born while I was in jail, it was very different. I'm a dad, missed out on five years of my son's life. Got him when he was five years old. I don't know, man, like during that last sentence, during that last five years, which is, that's the longest, I've done 13 years all up. Five is the longest I've done at one time.
It just all become, jail become really, jail become hell. Jail really become hell and I don't know why. I was jail, jail, I was like furniture in jail. Jail was my home and it become, the first I come in sweet tooth after three years into the fourth year, it's like I couldn't bear it. I started looking at everyone in jail as just like, just bad job kicks.
I didn't want a bar of it. I was sick of everything they had to say. I was sick of everything they do. I was sick of just everything and I just wanted a different life and it's weird. Jail started to really get to my heart and really started to scare me in a way where, not even like something's gonna happen to me, in a way where it's like, I'm scared of being in a cell.
You know what I mean? It's, yeah, maybe like how normal people are. Yeah, yeah, like how I envisioned going to any of those jails you just mentioned. Yeah, yeah, so there was that and then I really, I don't know, something happened in my soul that I can't explain and I had religious experiences that are really hard to put into words and I never really attempt to and people say like, what do you mean? It's like, I know God, you know? And they're like, what do you mean you know God? Explain, what does he sound like?
I said, but you can't say that. You can't say it, you know what I mean?
It's just like, I went from being a, because I'm very, very, very, I say this about myself, I'm a very smart person. I don't know how, but I had this ability because I was a raging, angry atheist and I had this ability to, I swear with you, you leave me alone for 10 minutes and I will talk you out of your God with facts, hard facts and I had the answer to everything. I could talk a Muslim out of Islam, I could talk a Christian out of Christianity and it's like, run, and I made perfect sense and I've been teased to people's eyes, you know? And so I went from that to experiencing God, you know what I mean, and seeing the truth and after that it was just like, it softened me a lot, you know what I mean, it softened me a lot and it made me see another person that I can become, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, having said that, that doesn't mean that. You're not going every Sunday, you know. No, no, no, I've never been to, this is the weird thing, so. Yeah, it's just your own experience. Yeah, it's the weird, so like, I'm religious and I love and follow Jesus but I don't call myself a Christian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds weird, but whatever, who cares?
That's the end of that story. But getting out, I was completely confused if what I'm gonna do in the world.
I have no work experience, no, just not. I don't have no life, I got no world experience, forget work experience, I don't even know what people do outside.
And I met someone, because I've been rapping in jail, I've been rapping in jail in boys' homes for a good 15 years, right? Back when it wasn't called a rap in jail. And I met someone along the way who was part of this new up-and-coming, emerging Aussie rap scene outside. And he'd come in jail once with me at Long Bay, his name's Spinner, he's another rapper. And when I got out, he remembered me and he remembered how good I rapped and he got in touch with me. And I was seeing his message request on Facebook and I was like, ah, that idiot talking about rap. You know, and I agreed to meet him only because I had nothing else to do.
And he showed me the whole rundown of social media. I didn't know what Instagram was. Nothing, knew nothing about building a YouTube channel or anything like that. Describe to me that there's this big scene and everyone's like real interested, it's up and coming, and it's all based around Instagram. Instagram is the heart of all of this culture. And he said, you should make an Instagram app, an Instagram account, and make a couple songs and put them on there and put them on YouTube.
You'll be famous, you know? Like, you won't be famous, but he said people will love it. You get a following.
It just went from that. It wasn't my intention. I'd done what he said, I'd done it. And it just grew and grew and grew. And then all of a sudden you're rapping, all of a sudden you're talking, all of a sudden you're telling these stories. The first time I talked was, that's when like, the first time I spoke about anything, people went nuts.
You spoke of your Stecky, Stucky. Oh, Strackey? Strackey, you spoke that.
I mean, remember that gone blow up? That was half into it though. That wasn't even at the start.
I spoke at the start. I expressed my opinion on something. I don't remember what it was. And I just be completely myself. I do not even know what I'm going to say before. I think I should just turn on this. This is just a hundred percent how I've always talked and how everyone I know talks. But I talked and people were like mesmerized by the way I talked, the way I held myself, the things I say.
And I just noticed that I'm this real interesting person. Then it's like, apparently I'm just this real interesting person.
I started talking more and I see it. And you start telling stories. Yeah, they tell us about this. And you become the face of this whole thing that a lot of people from Sydney and other cities now are struggling to explain when they've got the kids speaking Pig Latin and they've got the kids wearing a certain dress. And you've kind of articulated that, I guess, as well. You kind of become a cultural kind of touch point for Eshays, Adlays, like that element of inner city living or city living. And then all of a sudden we realize, actually, this guy's written a book. And as we've discussed a lot today, we've had a hell of a interview. But there's plenty more stories. You know what I mean?
We didn't get near today. I mean- No, barely even scratched the surface of what's in the book. We barely even scratched the surface of the Sydney siege.
You should get in the book. Just figure out what went down that sleepy afternoon in Turbine. It's fun, it's fun. Yeah, well thank you for joining us today, Spannan. It's great to meet you, and it's a great read. So to the listeners out there on the tractor, whether you're in the boat, in the car, get yourself a copy, get the Mrs. One too.
The longest I've done it one time, it just all become, jail become really, jail become hell. Jail really become hell, and I don't know why. I was jail. Jail, I was like furniture in jail, like jail was my home. And it become, the first I come in sweet tooth, after three years into the fourth year, it's like I couldn't bear it. I started looking at everyone in jail as just like, just bad job kicks.
I didn't want a bar of it. I was sick of everything they had to say. I was sick of everything they do. I was sick of just everything.
And I just wanted a different life, and it's weird. Jail started to like really get to my heart, and really started to scare me, you know? In a way where, not even like something's gonna happen to me, in a way where it's like, I'm scared of being in a cell.
You know what I mean? Like it's, yeah, maybe like how normal people are. Yeah, yeah. Like how I envisioned going to any of those jails you just mentioned. Yeah, yeah. So like, so there was that, and then like I really, I don't know, something happened in my soul that I can't explain, and you know, like I had religious experiences that are really hard to put into words, and I never really attempt to, and people say like, what do you mean? Like, it's like, I know God, you know? And they're like, what do you mean you know God? Explain! What does he sound like? I said, but you can't say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't say it, you know what I mean?
It's just like, I went from being a, cause I'm very, very, very, I say this about myself, I'm a very smart person. I don't know how, but like, I had this ability, cause I was a raging, angry atheist, and I had this ability to, I swear with you, you leave me alone for 10 minutes, and I will talk you out of your God, with facts, hard facts, and I had the answer to everything. I could talk a Muslim out of Islam, I could talk a Christian out of Christianity, and it's like, run, and I made perfect sense, and I bring tears to people's eyes, you know? And so I went from that to experiencing God, you know what I mean, and seeing the truth, and after that, it was just like, it softened me a lot, you know what I mean? It softened me a lot, and it made me see another person that I can become, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah. Yeah, having said that, that doesn't mean that. You're not going every Sunday, you know? No, no, no, I've never been to, this is just the weird thing, so. Yeah, it's just your own experience. Yeah, it's the weird, so like, I'm religious, and I love and follow Jesus, but I don't call myself a Christian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it sounds weird, but whatever, who cares? That's the end of that story.
But getting out, I was completely confused with what I'm gonna do in the world. I have no work experience, no, just not. I don't have no life, like, I got no world experience. Forget work experience. I don't even know what people do outside.
And I met someone, because I've been rapping in jail, all right, I've been rapping in jail and boys' homes for a good 15 years, right? Back when it wasn't called a rap in jail, and I met someone along the way who was part of this new up and coming, emerging Aussie rap scene outside, and he'd come in jail once with me at Long Bay. His name's Spinner, he's another rapper. And when I got out, he remembered me, and he remembered how good I rapped, and he got in touch with me, and I was seeing his message request on Facebook, and I was like, ah, that idiot talking about rap.
What the, you know, and I agreed to meet him, only because I had nothing else to do, and he showed me the whole rundown of social media. I didn't know what Instagram was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing, knew nothing about building a YouTube channel or anything like that. And he described to me that there's this big scene, and everyone's like real interested, it's up and coming, and it's all based around Instagram. Instagram is the heart of all of this culture. And he said, you should make an Instagram app, an Instagram account, and make a couple songs and put them on there, and put them on YouTube.
You'll be famous, you know? You won't be famous, but he said people will love it. Yeah, you get a following.
It just went from that. It wasn't my intention. I'd done what he said, I'd done it, and it just grew and grew and grew. And then all of a sudden you're rapping, all of a sudden you're talking, all of a sudden you're telling these stories. Oh, the first time I talked was, that's when like, the first time I spoke about anything, people went nuts. You spoke of your Stecky, Stucky. Oh, Stracky? Stracky, you spoke that, I remember that going by. That was half into it though. That wasn't even at the start. I spoke at the start. I expressed my opinion on something. I don't remember what it was.
And I just be completely myself. I do not even know what I'm going to say before. I think I should just turn on this. This is just a hundred percent how I've always talked and how everyone I know talks. But I talked and people were like mesmerized by the way I talked, the way I held myself, the things I say. And I just noticed that I'm this real interesting person. Then it's like, apparently I'm just this real interesting person.
So I started talking more and I see it. And you start telling stories. Yeah, they tell us about this. And you become the face of this whole thing that a lot of people from Sydney and other cities now are struggling to explain when they've got the kids speaking Pig Latin and they've got the kids wearing a certain dress. And you've kind of articulated that, I guess, as well. You kind of become a cultural kind of touch point for Eshays, Adlays, that element of inner city living or city living. And then all of a sudden we realize, actually, this guy's written a book. And as we've discussed a lot today, we've had a hell of a interview. But there's plenty more stories. You know what I mean?
We didn't get near today. No, barely even scratched the surface of what's in the book. We barely even scratched the surface of the Sydney siege.
You should get in the book, just figure out what went down that sleepy afternoon in Irvine. It was fun, it was fun. Yeah, well, thank you for joining us today, Spanion. It's great to meet you and it's a great read. To the listeners out there on the tractor, whether you're in the boat, in the car, get yourself a copy, get the Mrs. One too. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_158_Hip_Hop_in_Australia | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of the Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooda Advocate radio show, recording from downtown here in Batooda. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of the Batooda Advocate and of course Errol Parker, editor at large, how are you Errol?
I'm alright. Good mate, it's good.
Look things are changing, things are changing in our town. Everyone's been aware that Batooda has been a bustling hub of Australian and international hip-hop for quite some time, we've got our very own local artist in the shape of MC Beer and Mates, we've got DJ Chico Roll, he actually nearly moved to Brisbane with it, he was the closest thing to an export. But we've always kept an eye on that world, previously on this show we've had some hip-hop authorities, we've had Cursa MC. We've had some skip hoppers too from Adelaide, we had MC Esso. No we didn't interview, listen Esso who you're now mistaking for Hilltop Hoods, we didn't interview them. But we have interviewed Howie, which I guess you would say is a pioneer of all eras of Australian hip-hop. But today we're talking about the new era and that is why we are joined by what we would call authorities of contemporary hip-hop in Australia, I'm going to avoid saying Australian hip-hop.
Thank you for joining us. Thank you. Jasmine Nikita, Jade Lafleur and of course 24 Karat Kev we've spoken, we've met before. We have. We have history, you've sat in a panel with us before where I believe three years ago the discussion was what's wrong with Australian hip-hop and you were on that panel. I was yeah.
Where was it? It was down at the Botany View Hotel or something. Yeah it was somewhere down at the Steak and Kidney, I'm not sure.
That was a good night, thanks for having me. But you know I guess that question's been answered. It has. Since then.
It's gone from people who used to rap about things that are pretty mundane you know like running out of goon when you're doing Goon of Fortune and not having enough sausages on the barbecue for when your mates turn up and you know now there's people who are making songs about things that affect them personally. And also songs about balaclavas and Gucci, Gucci monogram baseball caps. Yeah so I want to start with some questions about that and I'm gonna start with you Jasmine. When did you first notice that Australian hip-hop was something that might appeal to you? Oh from a very young age, I loved hip-hop. I feel like it's just been in me, in my soul. I grew up listening to Common, Mos Def, these guys will laugh at me because I'm obsessed with conscious rap.
Yeah. So I've been listening to it for a long time. James Packer, James Packer is a pioneer of it, Rupert's son, he put the money up. Please expand for me. We'll get into that off air. You've seen Succession? It's based on a true story. The Murdoch's are behind conscious rap.
Really? You know that? What's the rest? Oh yeah, I thought you were talking shit but you're not.
No no, what was the record label? They funded one of the labels which put out like Talib Kweli and shit like that.
No way. That's a joke. Not even shit.
James was in Harvard.
He got hooked on that shit. That's hilarious. That's a crazy fact. I love that. You've been a slave to the man the whole time. Jokes on us. Damn. That's awesome.
But moving closer to home now, you're speaking on, you're all the host of the A1 podcast, The Show on A1 where you are, I guess, in that uncomfortable position of being authorities on hip-hop. I'm not sure I like the word authorities as our introduction because that word just makes me nervous. It brings back lots of traumatising memories. It makes you sound like a cop. Authorities and gatekeepers. Which I've been accused of. Gatekeepers and a lot of hot button words.
I guess that's kind of us now. I should definitely not be anyone's role model but, um. Well see, no one wants to grow up to be Richard Kingsmill, do they? I mean, you know, that's just, it comes with such a negative connotation, doesn't it? You know, being or a tastemaker as he likes to refer to himself as. He's one of my biggest inspirations, don't diss the Kings. They're looking after their careers here, we're not going to get any hot sound bites. But yeah, tell me.
You're safe this time, Richard. Yeah, you're safe this time.
Nookie's coming for your job, the Black Kingsmill, as he described himself on air and hasn't done so since, um, reprimanded.
When did you guys realise that this was actually something that was going to blow up in Australia? Because there was always, speaking of gatekeepers, there was a couple, there was about five acts and they were all, you know, skip hop, pioneers. When did you, like, it happened overnight. It did happen overnight, a drill happened overnight in Australia, if you really think about it like that. There was, all of a sudden there was a couple that you saw, and then there was I think it's this next generation of a certain confidence that I think maybe people before us or even people in our generation maybe didn't have so much.
Like for me in school, being ethnic or being, you know, anything besides white. And if you were to be a hip hop artist, it was almost like you were just really uncool. But these days, I don't know, it's like, it's the coolest shit that you could possibly do in this country.
Absolutely. The shift in culture and whether it's considered cool or not has definitely changed. I think the production style as well has evolved a lot. The old stuff was a bit more on the boom bap side. And I think, you know, 2015, 2016, when Manu started really popping off, that's when I think people started making music with less of a local lens, they started thinking more globally. And I think that's definitely happened tremendously over the past couple of years. I mean, the stuff that's coming out now, you know, it resonates in the UK. And obviously, like guys like Leroy or whatever, they're resonating in the US. So I think it's just like the style has contemporized a lot and become more palatable for an international audience. Absolutely. And then also, as we stepped into the digital world that we're sort of living in now that played a huge part as well. Do you think that the digital globalizations help because you look at something like the genre drill, a lot of people would argue it came from Chicago.
And then that's when I tuned out. Chief Keef, next thing I know, it's in Western Sydney via UK. And then the UK kind of regurgitated it back to New York with pop smoke and stuff.
So yeah, it's just interesting to see, like you said, how the genres like move from place to place and how they evolve and how they each have their own kind of like quirks and characteristics and stuff like that. Same kind of thing happened with grime, you know, like grime and drill, you know, both heavily popular in the UK, obviously, grime then came to Australia, you know. Courtney Barnett, our first grime artist. In 2000, the grime thing popped off here and now you have like, you know, Japanese grime, you have like, you know, New Zealand grime, you have grime everywhere. So it's just interesting to see how genres evolve over countries and over time. Well, you say like the same thing happened in this country too with country music. I mean, you had like the original Star Wars, right? You had your Slim Dusty's, Kev Carmody's, John Williamson's and then, you know, we started having these international stars like Keith Urban coming out because they started to adopt a more poppy sound. Do you think that's kind of what's happened in hip hop in that it's become like Australian hip hop has gotten this global audience because we have tapped into things like the London grime scene and things like that?
Yeah, I think we've definitely taken cues from different scenes overseas. But I think the key for success is kind of putting our own spin on it because it's like why would you listen to Australian drill if it was an exact carbon copy of UK drill? But I think what guys like OneFour have done, which is really nice, is they put that West Sydney slang on it. They have their own codes of like the way that they dress, the way that they speak, the references that they make to certain areas and stuff like that. Obviously, it has been inspired by the UK. But I think that, you know, them putting their own little twist on it and saying things that, you know, people from Sydney will recognize. I think that's been the key to their success.
Yeah. And I think that like people that are listening internationally have been so intrigued by a lot of the Polynesian artists that have come up because of the way that they look and Kev, just like you said, the way that they sound. Well, you don't see a twin braid in the UK, you don't often see it. Yeah.
When I interviewed OneFour, I actually brought that up because it's like the massive perception is like home and away. You know, when OneFour first came out, all the comments were like, who are they drilling kangaroos or fucking wombats? You know what I mean? That was like the top YouTube comment, you know, for ages with OneFour.
And then it's like people didn't even know that those Polynesians in Australia because they're like, oh, are these guys Asian? Like, what is this? Like, we've never seen this before. But like, you know, people don't realize that, you know, you come to Sydney, you go out west, you can drive 45 minutes out west and you won't see, you know, it'll just be all Asians or Arabs or Polynesians, you know what I mean, all Africans.
So it's just, I think more importantly, the music is putting a more diverse reflection internationally of what Australia actually looks like. More representative. Yeah, yeah. More representative kind of look into the Australian suburbs. Yeah, yeah.
Because when I go overseas, people are like, what the fuck? Like, I've never seen an Asian person talk like that. And I'm like, well, this is just it, man. In the Caribbean, I think we've all, yeah, experienced that going overseas. So it's nice that they're finally getting like a real look into it. So you would say that Caribbean background, people kind of are shocked when they hear an Australian accent. And that's probably similar things happening with the music as well when they see these.
I mean, admittedly, the guys do dress like it's a lot colder than it is with the sportswear and the hoodies and the balaclavas, because their face gets cold. They have to wear the balaclavas.
When the Brisbane drill shit popped off, I was like, I swear it doesn't get that cold in Brisbane, man. Goodnough is hot. Goodnough is hot in the evenings. It's fucking warm. Most people wear footy shorts on the train. Well, you know, if you're out at Goodnough, like at first light, in July, it can get quite cold.
That's when they film their clips. Yep. Obviously. That's when it's cheapest.
I'm going to the North Queensland. North Queensland will pop off.
I'm fucking into that. They've also got something to say. That's what they reckon. Yeah. They should play the halftime show at the Cowboys game. Yeah.
Cairns and Townsville, big Polynesian communities up there, and they are doing a similar thing. But it's obvious seems to be kind of the engine room seems to be Western Sydney. And why do you think that is? Do you think that's sheer population or sheer multiculturalism? I think it's multiculturalism, but also I think West Sydney has just been such a tastemaker for so many years.
Before Drill, we spoke about Cursa before Cursa was a massive tastemaker and making that whole... I don't know what to call it, but that... Lad rap. Yeah. Ad-lay rap, gutter rap, whatever you want to call it. He was the pioneer of that.
You had guys like Forte from that area as well, putting on heavy for West Sydney. Def Wishcast were even from West Sydney. West Sydney in general, outside of music, has informed culture. In the 70s, the cricketers, they were the gold chains and the mullets, and that was the Bankstown law.
And that spread right across the country too. The first Westies that it was in the public eye, and now it's kind of Nordica and resort wear. Well, Cursa has a Nordica deal. That's the craziest thing. Yeah. He's got an official deal with Nordica. Back 10 years ago, Nordica would have been fucking shying away from this stuff.
They would, yeah. But that's just showing you how popular it's become, that every brand now wants to be associated with it. That's great. Burberry in the UK, same sort of thing. Do we think that it's also a little bit because of, like you said, population, but because Sydney does feel like it is a little bit of a hub, like music industry hub, like platforms and things like that. Do we think that it's- Yeah, opportunity. Yeah. The opportunity's here. It is. So you touched on population. I think that's a really good point because with that population, you know, it's a melting pot of cultures and people, but there are so many people, so so many, you know, and Sydney is the money city. That's like what we refer to it as. So I think when those two worlds kind of clash, it plays a massive part.
Yeah. I mean, like one of the biggest sort of boy bands in the world now is from Western Sydney. That was the Five Seconds of Summer. Absolutely. Yeah. Product of the great Northwest, I believe. They're taking the ball by storm. That's Kev's style of music, right? Five Seconds of Summer. Yeah. Excellent song. Sort of. Yeah. Fuck yeah.
Half those ACDC boys, they went to high school in Auburn.
Oh, I did not know that. There you go. That's a cool fact. That's crazy. Yeah. I did not know that.
Mick Flanning grew up a long way from the ocean in Penrith. So, you know, it's a real engine room. When you think about places like, I don't know, Cooma or Wagga Wagga or something like you're probably not going to have as many opportunities to seal a sponsorship deal with like Nike or some shit.
No, probably not. Yeah. It definitely is about being on the ground. Yeah. Do you, we'll go into that now. You know, this doesn't have to be necessarily specific to Western Sydney, but who, we'll go around the table, do you think are coming up and are going to be household names in the next year or so in Australian hip hop? We'll start with you, Jasmine. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. Household names. I mean, Kid Laroi's, we can just establish that he is there. Yeah, absolutely. Who's next?
I honestly see if JC keeps going in the right trajectory and staying out of trouble, I think that his music will take him so far. He's more on the Afro swing tip, which a lot of artists in Australia are getting into at the moment as well. Like following suit with like the UK and things like that. They just jumping on that kind of tropical production vibe for a lot of like the deep voiced rappers coming out of Sydney just works so nicely. So JC, one to watch, but there are a lot of women that are coming up too. So I think that Jess B, she's from New Zealand, international for sure. Yeah, she's got that sound and that confidence. Okay. I definitely agree with Jas about JC and he also has a really solid team around him. And one thing that I've noticed with a lot of successful artists that have come out of Australia, their team is so important, you know, like just being in the right places and knowing the right people and just having that right support because you can be super talented obviously, but if you don't have people backing you and helping you with everything, then you know, your chances kind of decrease a bit and that's just, that's it. And that's just facts. You know, it doesn't always have to be a major label, but even just simple things like your manager and your crew and like people like that being solid around you, you know, so JC definitely he's in a perfect position for that and he's doing really well. He actually just did a show on the weekend with Haiku Hands, which I think went off at Oxford Art Factory.
Interesting bill. I believe. Yeah, so very interesting. I really love that kind of like crossover of worlds. So yeah, it was kind of funny because you saw like JC and DSP and like all of his boys and Lionel emceeing on stage and then it's just like a completely pretty much white crowd, like in a West white crowd. But I love that. I think that's awesome.
And you know, he probably wouldn't have gotten that opportunity if he hadn't kind of just taken that chance and on the front foot. Yeah. And his team, you know, put him there. So definitely agree about JC. Sahil is another guy. He's doing it for the Brown Boys, which I love. He's sort of being mentored by the same peeps that Kila Roy was mentored by. And I think he's probably on a similar trajectory. But whether it happens, I don't know. But his style of music and just his delivery, like his vocals, his his lyricism, everything is really, really nice. So I hope that he'll be the next biggest thing out to come out of Australia.
But yeah, there are so many. There are so many on the cards. It's crazy. Like, I love all the drillers as well. And just their, like their passion for that style of music and the fact that it is getting noticed in like over in the UK and in the States as well is pretty fucking crazy. So, yeah, there's a lot.
Kev? Kev.
It'll be hard to get him off that mainstream. But it's on the way there.
Who do you think will be a household in the next year? Now that Kidleroy's done it from the towers of Waterloo. Household in Australia?
I'd probably say Rops. I really like Rops.
Been following him for a couple of years. I think it's just, yeah, he's got nice flows. Super confident. Super young still.
And I think he's just going to kill it. He kills it over grime. He kills it over drill.
And he's a nice guy. I think if he if he sticks to his guns, he's going to be one to watch for sure.
In terms of the the unique look that bad, kind of gangster, kind of the closest thing we would have to that genre in Australia. How is that received? I mean, we're talking about like the Polynesian drillers and how, you know, just the fashion sense and their, you know, their hair was something that people have noticed overseas. But in terms of that, I mean, I feel like Australia was one of the first on the face tattoos and the neck tattoos. And then the shin tat is a uniquely Australian thing because who's wearing shorts? If you see an Adelaide with shin tats just running.
Yeah, you kind of get those. I mean, yeah, I guess Rob, you mentioned him before. But Cursa was one of those first ones where, you know, people were looking at him saying, this guy looks naughty. Yeah, yeah. Even though he's not the hip hop artist we're conditioned to seeing. Yeah, yeah.
Cursa definitely. Yeah, Cursa was.
Yeah, he posts like throwback photos and stuff where it's just like baggy Canterbury trackies. Like everyone in the 2000s had that one pair of Canterbury tracks. Because I used to work at Rebel Sport, yeah. And we used to put ink tags on the Canterbury trackies, which we only used to put on the footy jerseys because the footy jerseys were like 180 or something. Yeah. You know, and the Canterbury trackies were way less than that. Everyone wants to have Parameter Heels shirts and you've got to put an ink tag on them. Yeah. Everyone wanted to steal the Canterbury trackies or the Canterbury Adelaide shorts, the real short ones, or the baggy trackies with the white stripe down the side.
Everyone used to wear those. You know, obviously TNs and Air Maxes, they were massive in the 2000s as well. And then just, you know, stripey polos. You never see those anymore. Stripey polos. Nordica caps we talked about before. That was a uniform, you know. Not for me, but like that was a uniform you saw at hip hop shows in the 2000s. That's one of the things that's interesting because all the kind of like, like you were saying, like the drillers, they kind of wear more slimmer track suits normally or black. But like, you know, in the 2000s it was all about vibrant, big stripey polos.
Everything was baggy unless you were wearing short shorts. Short shorts is a uniquely Western Sydney thing. Like, shorter than footy shorts. Yeah, shorter than footy shorts, bro.
With the polo tucked in with like high socks. And the shaved legs. Yeah, shaved legs was a big thing too.
I don't know.
I mean, it comes down to really like affordability because the demographic and what they can afford, right? But once, you know, most of the rappers now that are doing big fucking numbers and clocking like millions and millions, like, you know, whatever, they're all rocking high end labels.
Like you won't see them. You'll see on their Instagram nearly every day, like walking out of the Louis V store with like at least six bags.
Do you reckon we'll ever see like the snapbacks and the baggy pants and that new boys era type stuff make a resurgence? Everything's cyclical. It comes back. I want people to start wearing snapbacks with a sticker on it still.
That's bad. That's already bad.
Wallet chain. Velcro wallet.
It's all coming back. Hair up in a ski jump like that. Those are the days.
Tyra Cash needs to sponsor the show. Yeah, well, Tyra Cash tried to sue.
Oh no. That's not happening. We did a story about how old mate gets arrested at the races and gets to wear the same suit to court next week. Yeah, that's fresh. During that coward punch, you're a big deal. It's still a thing, isn't it? There's not just enough media attention on it now these days. I would, you know, a drill is unwrapping about it. Thankfully, it's not Shanks and King hits.
But, you know, we're opening back up coming out of COVID right around the country. And I guess this is a more international level. We've got a few DJs here today with us. Both of you, really? Yeah. You tell us what you're playing on an international level to get the party moving because not many people... I mean, a lot of people are starting to, but not everyone realises the dance force is back on. Yeah. In most states.
Well, they had 80,000 people at the MCG for the... Melbourne's opening up. Anzac Day game.
So, you know, things are on the mend, I guess. Yeah. Things are on the mend.
And we've been playing a couple of shows, actually. And we've got a few coming up as well. But, yeah, I play a lot of, like, Bialy Funk. A bit of house music in there, but a lot of rap, a lot of trap, a lot of drill, a lot of R&B. A bit of everything. I'm an all over the place type of gal. I'm similar. I love my Afro beats, as you guys probably got for me mentioning JC. But definitely a lot of the stuff that's coming out of the UK.
AJ Tracy. We've actually got him on the show coming up soon. I play a lot of music from him. That's coming up. You didn't hear AJ Tracy?
We did. That would be the first kind of, I guess, when we just go back to household, he's going to be the first one coming into Australia like that. 100%. Especially with all those... Ain't it different, you know, kind of... Of that wave that you can just hear, you go to any kind of club or bar now, you'll hear something like that happening. So you guys have got him. Yeah, we do. It's a big one.
And it's kind of funny because when we interviewed him, I watched AJ Tracy come up from back in his heyday. But when he came to Australia the first time, I was at his first show. And he was working and talking to a lot of Australians at that point.
And that really was before the UK wave and before the drill wave. Really? So it was just like, we knew it was coming at that point. Do you think he might have been informed by what he was hearing happening down here?
Nah. Probably not.
Not like my conspiracy that Guns N' Roses were a complete ripoff of Australian Crawl.
We'll get into that later. We'll play the songs next to each other on YouTube later. Sweet Child of Mine was an Australian pub anthem. Just remember that, everyone.
I avoided pubs at all costs. Pubs?
Yeah. Some of the best dance floors.
I'd be surprised if the Bondi DJ is telling me she's never been to a pub. Unless I'm getting paid to be there to DJ, you won't find me there.
Well, clubs are opening back up too. So we're looking forward to a cold winter of Australian hip hop. Yeah. And a lot of pop smoke in the Central Sea.
Ballet.
Thank you for joining us. A1 The Show. We've got Jasmine Akita, Jay LaFleur, 24 Carat Kev. They've just been telling us what's coming up and how tough it is. Life at the Top is the authorities of Australian hip hop and the gatekeepers. The gatekeepers of who will and won't make it in this game. So thanks for joining us, everyone. Thank you.
Talking about the Polynesian drillers and how just their fashion sense and their hair was something that people have noticed overseas. But in terms of that, I feel like Australia was one of the first on the face tattoos and the neck tattoos. And then the shin tat is a uniquely Australian thing because who's wearing shorts? If you see an Adelaide with shin tats just running.
Yeah, you kind of get those. I mean, yeah, I guess Rob, you mentioned him before. But Cursa was one of those first ones where, you know, people were looking at him saying, this guy looks naughty. Yeah, yeah. Even though he's not the hip hop artist we're conditioned to seeing. Yeah, yeah. Cursa definitely. Yeah, Cursa was. Yeah, he posts like throwback photos and stuff where it's just like baggy Canterbury trackies. Like everyone in the 2000s had that one pair of Canterbury tracks because I used to work at Rebel Sport. Yeah.
And we used to put ink tags on the Canterbury trackies, which we only used to put on the footy jerseys because the footy jerseys was like 180 or something. And the Canterbury trackies were way less than that. Everyone wants to have Parameter Eels shirts and you've got to put an ink tag on them. Everyone wanted to steal the Canterbury trackies or the Canterbury Adelaide shorts, the real short ones or the baggy trackies with the white stripe down the side.
Everyone used to wear those. You know, obviously, TNs and Air Maxes, they were massive in the 2000s as well. And then just, you know, stripey polos. You never see those anymore. Stripey polos. Nordica caps we talked about before. That was a uniform, you know. Not for me, but like that was a uniform you saw at hip hop shows in the 2000s. That's one of the things that's interesting because all the kind of like, like you were saying, like the drillers, they kind of wear more slimmer tracksuits, normally all black. But like, you know, in the 2000s it was all about vibrant, big stripey polos.
Everything was baggy unless you were wearing short shorts. Short shorts is a uniquely Western Sydney thing. Shorter than footy shorts. Yeah, shorter than footy shorts, bro.
With the polo tucked in with like high socks. And the shaved legs. Yeah, shaved legs was a big thing too.
I don't know.
I mean, it comes down to really like affordability because the demographic and what they can afford, right? But once, you know, most of the rappers now that are doing big fucking numbers and clocking like millions and millions, like, you know, whatever, they're all rocking high end labels.
Like you won't see them. You won't, you'll see them on their Instagram nearly every day, like walking out of the Louis V store with like at least six bags.
Do you reckon we'll ever see like the snapbacks and the baggy pants and that new boys era type stuff make a resurgence? Everything's cyclical. It comes back. I want people to start wearing snapbacks with a sticker on it still. That's already bad.
A Larry Bird Boston Celtics jersey.
What about Errol the old white studded belt? And the, uh, the white loafers too that I used to wear down in the race. The square toes, yeah. Oh no. General admission at Rhodes Hill. I had a black suit, a black shirt and a bright orange tie and a white belt and white shoes.
Wallet chain. Velcro wallet.
It's all coming back. Hair up in a ski jump like that. Those are the days.
Tyra Cash needs to sponsor the show. Yeah, well, Tyra Cash tried to sue.
That's not happening. We did a story about how old mate gets arrested at the races and gets to wear the same suit to court next week. Yeah, that's fresh. Uh, during that, you know, coward punch, you're a big fan of yours. But, um, you know, we've, It's still a thing, isn't it? Just, there's not just enough media attention on it now these days. I would, you know, a drill is unwrapping about it, but like, thankfully it's not a Shanks and King hits.
But you know, we're opening back up coming out of COVID right around the country. And this is, I guess this is a more international level. We've got a few DJs here today with us. Both of you. Really? Yeah. You tell us what you're playing on an international level to get the party moving because not many people, I mean, a lot of people are starting to, but not everyone realizes that the dance force is back on. Yeah. In most states. Well, they had 80,000 people at the MCG. Yeah. Melbourne's opening up. Anzac Day game. So, you know, so things are on the mend, I guess. Yeah. Things are on the mend. And we've been playing a couple of shows actually, and we've got a few coming up as well. Yeah.
But, um, yeah, I play a lot of like, Bialy Funk. A bit of house music in there, but a lot of rap, a lot of trap, a lot of drill, a lot of R&B, a bit of everything. I'm an all over the place type of gal. I'm similar. I love my Afro beats, as you guys probably got for me mentioning JC. But, um, definitely a lot of the stuff that's coming out of the UK. AJ Tracy, we've actually got him on the show coming up soon. I play a lot of music from him.
That's coming up. Yeah. AJ Tracy. We did. That would be the first kind of, I guess, when we just go back to household, he's going to be the first one coming into Australia like that. A hundred percent. Ain't it different, you know, kind of, of that wave that you can just hear, you go to any kind of club or bar, now you'll hear something like that happening. So you guys have got him. Yeah, we do. It's a big one.
And it's kind of funny because, like, when we interviewed him, it's like, I watched AJ Tracy come up from, like, back in his heyday. But when he came to Australia the first time I was at his first show, and, like, he was working and talking to a lot of Australians at that point.
And that really was, like, before the UK wave and before the drill wave. Really? It was just like, we knew it was coming at that point. Do you think he might have been informed by what he was hearing happening down here?
No. Probably not. I think so, yeah.
Not like my conspiracy that Guns N' Roses were a complete rip-off of Australian Crawl.
We'll get into that later. We'll play the songs next to each other on YouTube later. Sweet Child of Mine was an Australian pub anthem. Just remember that, everyone.
I avoided pubs at all costs. Pubs?
Yeah. Some of the best dance floors. My whole life.
I'd be surprised if the Bondi DJs tell me she's never been to a pub. Unless I'm getting paid to be there to DJ, you won't find me there.
World clubs are opening back up too, so, you know, we're looking forward to a cold winter of Australian hip-hop. Yeah. And a lot of pop smoke in the Central Sea.
Yeah, ballet. Ballet.
Thank you for joining us. We've won the show. We've got Jasmine Akita, Jay Lafleur. 24 Carat Kev. They've just been telling us, you know, what's coming up.
And, you know, how tough it is. Life at the top is the authorities of Australian hip-hop and the gatekeepers. The gatekeepers of who will and won't make it in this game.
So, thanks for joining us, everyone. Thank you. |
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