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TheBetootaAdvocate | Nina_Oyama_Star_of_Deadloch_Taskmaster_Australia_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Close your eyes and picture this it's Friday night your parents are out getting a pizza from Pizza Haven And you are left inside a video store, but not just any video store It's the last video store with every single film on its shelves. You are listening to it right now My name is Alexei Toliopoulos. I'm the host of this show and the clerk Held in residence at the last video store and every week on this show We're joined by a special guest who'll be picking out some of their favorite movies ever in the style of an old-school video store rental combo including one new release and Two weekly titles. I'll then follow that up with a staff pick bespoke customized recommendation for our guests based on their choices and their taste Joining me on the show this week is one of my dearest my nearest and oldest friends It is your friend as well.
Nina or Yama Nino Yama is such a funny freakin comedian and a cool dude a great actor You know them from appearing in deadlock where they play Abby Matsuda. They also just Killed it in the very funny Taskmaster Australia season 1 they've been a writer on stuff like koala man yolo crystal fantasy and The great web series called late comers if you don't know who your Nina Oh Yama is I'd say you were actually freakin crazy, dude But she's coming into the store and I'll say this Nina is also a big cinephile So I'm gonna have such a great time talking about some of her favorite movies. Let's get into our chat Okay, well Nino Yama my dear friend, thank you for coming to freaking visit me at my place of work Thank you.
I love this blockbuster. It's my favorite blockbuster.
It's actually for two to video Okay We have to read a word buster Tuna video But you know the beautiful town of the beautiful town of but you know, yeah Thank you for doing this wonderful performance of improvisation right now. We're in the space. We're in the zone Yeah, there's like videos here videos over there. Absolutely everywhere. You look this freakin video I know it's crazy right away.
You don't look there's actually DVDs. Oh, we've got some of those two very modern And where are the Betamaxes Alexi? We've got a hidden section right here I've got a drawer full of all 10,000 Betamax films.
Oh great. Great, but it is my honor to be hosting you Thank you. It's my honor to come here.
Well, I'm a chambers To my chambers. This is my little cave. Yes, this is my cave It's where I've always wanted to live is just in amongst the discs and the tapes.
I honestly believe that. Yeah. Yes There was no lie within me At all, I'm gonna sign you up to our system so you can rent some frickin movie. Thank you Alexi I'm gonna need to see a little piece of ID from you though So set you up into a system and what am I seeing here? But a police badge stating the name constable Abby Matsuda of deadlock PD. That is I that's you. Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am I'm gonna say well actually was it asked you because I you know me and you'll be in France for a very long Yeah, probably like 10 years, which is crazy. Whoa.
Yeah, that's like a silver decade. Isn't that like do we get a spoon for that? I hope so. So wait, we have to spoon we know do we have to?
Okay, but I was gonna say I've known you for a long time and I'd be much sooner. This will character is actually so far You are the quiet I Was shocked because I was expecting to see like the persona Nino yama on screen Yeah, it was like really big shift. Yeah, like a little cutie sweetie. You think I'm a little sweetie cutie. Um To break it to you But now I'm getting misgivings.
I never met the abby Matsuda.
Oh, I'm an actor now Just a comedian. I'm also an actor not just actor Nominated. Yeah, that's wonderful role.
Was it tough for you to like kind of go? Well, how do I play someone that is like almost the opposite of how I present myself? Not really because I think Abby is how I feel inside. Whoa, I'm so stressed all the time I'm always like desperate for people to like me And so instead of just being like a cool fun dude that like makes jokes or whatever I just get to be my true self was like yes.
Sorry. Thank you. Thank you so much for doing it Like it's just so like that's how that's my internal model essence It's just like a high-pitched like nervous police and we're just being like, thank you.
Wow, but then obsessed with crime That's true. You're obsessive crime.
That's exciting. Well, the character is I'm not at one difference. Yeah Difference that's cool. There was like okay shed the persona. Let's be me the essence is out there in the world Oh, yeah, it was so good and the writing from the Kates was very clear I think to me what it was very well written like sometimes you Okay, I sound like a freaking actor right now I'm like, but you know, sometimes you just get a script, you know, like see it It just jumps off the page and it's just it's just easy Interpret, you know Cross from freaking Simon Baker or something right now my god. I mean, thank you. That's a really nice thing This is all the most handsome in in the country is That's actually a very new it's very nice of you to say but I think there's sort of like Cuz I came up as a comedian and I also do riding Yeah, and I think there's sort of just like not that we look down on actors But they're just like different the different beasts. It's a different skill set different Yeah, it's very sincere like they talk about their craft and it which I respect cuz like a good actors are incredible But if there's something a little bit cringe about acting conceptually, yeah Yeah to get into my role, you know, I just had to like access my inner model Like me outside of myself just being like shut the fuck up man.
Like what are you on about? Idiot Unfortunately living a human life is cringe in every way. You look at it from a certain angle. Everything you do is creams.
Yeah Look, I've got green screen set up to know I've been suspending disbelief. I've been acting I'm a fucking gonzo You're crazy for that.
Will you think you do want to pursue more acting? Is that something you want to pursue because you're also going to the path of like write a director as well Yeah, is that you want to be one of those that does both?
Yeah, I mean, that would be nice. I think I Have self-esteem when it comes to writing and directing cuz like I'm so comfortable in a writers room and I love writing scripts And I like directing cuz it's just dirty. He's just vibes. Yes. Like and it's less cringe It's like good cuz you just like sit there you're like behind the monitor and you sit there and you're a tone setter You go like, okay, let's get the tone Yeah, do that and you're like everyone like it's just like if you have a good time on set Everyone has a good time on set if you have a bad time on set. Everyone has a terrible time on set So it's just about like being a nice person and being prepared being a vibe Smith. Yeah Such a good. Oh, I love that so much I'm gonna take yeah, I was gonna Turn Well vibe Smith is like can I say this how about we trade yeah, okay. Yes Well, I'll claim by Smith and I'm taking arbiter of time. I like it. Yeah, it's very like it's very um, Smoky like it's like it's like someone holding a whiskey would be a lounge jacket kind of I think that makes sense. I think I'm more an arbiter of tone.
I think yeah Sure god, thank god we sort of that we're meant to meet on this day doing trades the tension The tension was in the air But um, yeah I think I feel more comfortable Not being on camera because the other thing is then you don't have to worry about being on camera There's something so inherent about like being perceived already like as a human and then when you add a camera and like the layer of being a character or like what you Look like when you're performing in front of that and like what your face is doing Like I don't really know what my face is doing most of the time and then when I watch it back on the monitor I'm like my eyebrow was like it's so like it messes with you a little bit Yeah, and so I think not having to worry about what you look like essentially is more comfortable to me Yeah, but um, the problem is I like attention. So they're being in front of the camera is good for that That is the curse of the performer exactly They fear being perceived but there's nothing they love more than like and receiving like praise and attention So yeah, I only want to act but no one can seem to be bad about me Yeah, exactly. Everyone just has been nice and I don't want to have to remember my lines.
That's the other thing I have really bad memory because I used to smoke a lot of weed Well, hopefully we can find some lovely movies for you You get stoned out of your freaking brain and enjoy some wonderful cinema. Oh, I can't wait Well, I'm gonna send you out to the shelves. Go pick up your flicks. Come on back and we'll chat them over Thanks, Alexi. Maybe have a little do when I'm outside. Oh my god, that's dastardly. Don't do that. Do I will go with you? You release Okay, well the wonderful little pile of flicks you've got here Nina.
Thank you We're gonna start talking about your new release first cuz this is a movie that I really really like I think this is one of like there I say the nastiest comedies I've seen in a few years. It's so good. It's Disgusting it is disgusting.
It is a Norwegian film by Christopher Borgli It is a movie called sick of myself. It is Comedy Tell me about sick of myself did I think of myself is about a girl.
She's a waitress and she has a boyfriend That's an artist And his entire thing is sort of stealing Fancy furniture. He's kind of like a conceptual artist going on. Yeah. Yeah, and he's that he calls himself the thief Um, but these she helps him steal this furniture and at some point she just gets sick of you know Him getting all the accolades for stealing stuff, which she helped do and he's always like I didn't have any help and she's like She starts craving that attention. She starts craving that attention a very relatable feeling and in order to get attention She starts taking a like a Russian painkiller That eats away at her skin and creates a deformities in her face Body and conditions like it makes her so sick. Yeah of herself But it's it's incredible and it's like from woe to go It's so funny Like the tension between her and the boyfriend or like her and her friend her friends are like doing better than her and it's sort of they play with fantasy elements so a lot of the time you'll just be watching and Then it's sort of and you think it's a scene that's happening in real life and then it'll cut back to her and that's just her Fantasy and the beautiful thing is towards the end you sort of lose track of like what is real and what is not real But also the attempts of her fantasy like I'm allowed to spoil it.
I mean like gently so let's be I don't know. I just think it's pretty new movie A lot of people might have had a chance to see if they really did really well in Australian cinemas It's so good. Actually, you got me that ticket. It's true. Yes I did I saw really good about the recommendations because the distributors I put out on my friends They said who should we invite static screenings? That's the our dear friends at static vision. Yeah, pick me up I said my first person I want to tell you to go see they're not a critic But they are filmmaker and they will love this movie And so they I put you on into contact with them to go see it. Thank you Already I've got tick on the big recommendation, but you nailed it. It's probably like my favorite movie of the year.
I reckon Yeah, because it is just like to me it's like such Like I think it's hard to kind of do modern satire all the time because I think it's like we've seen so much Satire and satire is like constant. This is like feels like such like a fresh bite into modern day Millennial gen Z narcissism So like kind of gritty and nasty and it's so like it just it just keeps going like it's sort of like You know a lot of satire is like it's the same jokes that I've repeated over and over this one It just like extends it to the point where like you are so deeply uncomfortable the escalation is Unwatchable because you just go from like laughing laughing laughing to being like ha ha she's doing that Like it's like peak Korean and then it looks sort of like goes past cringe to becoming like Horrible body horror.
That's it. The body horror of this is crazy, but she's also so beautiful Like oh, what is have the main thing? That's the grid signi signi signi is like this beautiful girl and when she becomes like a Deformed model or whatever like that scene. Yeah.
Oh, this is actress Christine could just thought she's a genius It's an amazing performance and the way to plays with body horror cuz like we've had body horror comedies before like the Evil Dead movies and stuff where it's kind of like it's like so overtly or like saw or like anything that's sort of where it's like the Escalation goes beyond like where it goes. Oh, it starts out scary, but it extends itself so much ago Oh, okay. I have to laugh now or it's like Sexual like I don't even know if like body hottest of body horror feels often like it's like that Yeah One where like the guy and the tentacles and the woman does that crazy dance and Sam Neill is in it Oh, that's possession like just like that to me and this is like so not Sexual like you do not feel even accidentally a little horny after this film. You're just like You become a husk after this This is such a it's a fun movie as well like the way that challenges you is fun Yeah, and I think it's like that body horror element that is Cuz it doesn't extend itself outside of reality the body horror No, I think it's like you kind of get stuck going like oh shit. I could be this Could come that way also like the thing that I love about Signa is there's the sort of thing with like her absent father is like constantly touched on through the film and then her mom Is sort of like this weird. She's in that wellness cult Yeah, and so you're sort of like it explains a lot why this woman is like constantly craving the approval of everyone around her cuz like her boyfriend doesn't give it to her her father's like the bandit her as a child and Her mother is like so woo-woo up in the air that she just has nothing like she has no love in her life And so it is sort of I found myself being quite empathetic To her in some regard obviously when she's like so far at the deep end you kind of you know You guys you're like, okay. I don't know if I'll ever go that crazy But there's just like the the emotion or like the Emotional engine that drives her to that point is so relatable for me. Absolutely Like I would say this is a really good pairing with an other Norwegian comedy that's been really big in the last few years The worst person in the world. Yes, and but this is a movie could go Well, this is this actually is the one But I think if you like that, but you want to push yourself a little bit further Yeah, I think myself is a great recommendation Yeah, and because the worst person it was sort of like Francis hard not to give away the future But and you can edit that up timeout as I say in the comeback type timeout, um, but yeah I think it's sort of it is this thing which is like a journey of self discovery Like I think worst person in the world is a very go go wiggy and go with you. Oh, wow Norwegian Norwegian and then I thought you just coined the phrase did go with you Yeah, you can write a PhD right now print it arbiter of tone and go with you But I do think there is like I love Greta Gerwig and we'll talk about this soon because like all of her narratives are about Like a woman that wants to become like the best at something and just realizes she's mediocre Yeah, like that's like literally the central theme to every Greta Gerwig film Which is why I didn't hate Barbie because I was like that's that's what she's been doing her entire life But I do feel like worst person in the world like treads that sort of I think so Yeah, I'm where it is like a you know, woman's self-discovery into accepting mediocrity. Yeah, beautifully put dude Thank you, and I'll give you like a little further nudge if you haven't seen Christopher Bogleys other films Jameson our dream scenario is really cool with Nicholas cage appearing in people's dreams. It's like another kind of like fun That it's kind of edges interested to take oh, yeah, I like that felt really funny I liked it I think it fell over at the third It's suffered from third-act syndrome like so many films this year like salt berms suffered from the third-act syndrome But yet dream scenario gotta hurt my third-act screen in real life. I Feel like I'm gonna stop I went to a woods this week and I'm like, I'm like, I'm out. I'm out but the Fuck what is it that scene in dream scenario has one of my favorite scenes of all time With the young girl and him and it's just like another he's good at that Yeah, that's really putting you into it getting stuck Yeah, these other film which is the first one I saw from him like maybe like four or five years ago It's called drib and it is so weird and whack.
It's kind of like It's it uses documentary technique like I don't know if any of it is real, but it's like Basically about a filmmaker that's making an ad But it's kind of told in the backstory of like this filmmaker actually made this ad or like an unnamed soft drink company called drib It's really weird. Like it's just a really weird satire Is it like watermelon woman like the same way that that's sort of a documentary not a bad call I'd say not a bad call. I'd say it gives you a little bit more like the It costs a bit more of the documentary spell than watermelon It does watermelon was like there's a documentary with the in the film Which is making this is like a little bit more the fuller experience I think that's a that's probably the closest I've ever thought of like a movie that can be that to be in the same Ballpark as it. Yeah, but drib is whack.
It's a bit hard to find. It's worth tracking down Yes, especially if you love sick of myself. Yeah, dude great pick for your new release. Thank you.
Let's see Weekly Before we get into your weekly choices, I'm gonna ask you another question to put into the system Please have you ever been a member of another video store before I have other than the two to video Yeah of which I am a very our member very loyal member. It's the only video store. I'm currently at I was a I went to video easy as a child video easy crow's nest my friends.
Yes. Wow I used to call it video crazy because I think I Called it that one time is when I was a kid, you know when like a kid says something stupid and parents like that's the funniest thing I've ever heard and now like a grandma's called like Well, I called it video crazy for a long time, but I don't have any memories except for my friend sister work there Her name is Georgia and she is the coolest person. Shout out to Georgia Yeah, Georgia angle a soldier a soldier of cinema alongside me working the trenches in the video store Oh, yeah, I just thought she was so cool But my other video experience which was much more not like negative per se was it blockbuster Bathurst I can say this now because it's close. Yes.
I rented buried and it's goodbye. Bye bitch But this is when you at uni Yeah, when I was at uni and I think I just didn't know it was back when like I had some DVD I had like some DVDs, but I just watched them entirely too much Like I watched Sex in the City heaps and Buffy. Yeah, I just had a lot of DVD collections and you know, yeah I'm a collection It was just explains a lot. Yeah, I love fucking and killing vampires But the yeah, I remember like we went to blockbuster often and I remember I rented three movies I think was the bling ring blue jasmine and thank you for sharing the Sex movie with Gwyneth Paltrow and pink pink's acting debut.
Yeah It's got Josh Gad and he's like an upskirt. He's like in a sex addicts group Yeah, Josh Gad like upskirt. He's like a nurse that like up skirts patients or something.
It's really Wow mark Ruffalo Tim Robbins Gwyneth Paltrow, can I say this is a rare instance where I've been fully stumped I'd find the guys that did the kids are all right. Anyway, oh, I love that. Okay. I love that I didn't love this movie, but I was a different person Yeah But I did I rented those three films and I never gave them back and then blockbuster closed and I was like Thank God, I never have to the bird is lifted exactly. Goodbye.
I still have them Then like three months later, I get like a hundred dollar fine There's like some loan shark that got my blockbusters came out. Yeah, I had to pay like a hundred dollars now like Yeah for bling ring blue jasmine and thank you for sharing Wow, which were entirely not worth it Yeah, some cursed items in there.
Yeah Yeah, there's a Woody Allen fire. We almost paid every now and then All right, we're going to your first weekly choice and you know what category I'm gonna put this film in We've got this in the art house film section Okay, I think that this is a wonderful film. This is a collaboration between Lovers, no, I'm Bob and Greta Gerwig and it's there they've made Greenberg before this Yes, but the film is Francis Ha Art house, it's the first major complete collaboration. Yeah, it is.
It's my favorite feel It's like probably one of my favorite films of all time what resonates with you about this What doesn't? It's really just like about a woman failing downwards I think she just Yeah, she's like loves her best friend She's like a dancer modern dancer and it's just like every single thing in her life is just on a shaky ground like her friendship is shaky and her Financial situation is shaky and everyone Is a living situation it's shaky so her family like you just kind of our family's pretty like constant But they are unable to help her I guess but yeah She just she wants to be a modern dancer and like Like live with her best friend Sophie and be best friends forever Which is such a funny like best friends forever is such a college girl energy and it's like she's 27 and she's like I want to be best friends ever and like, you know, that'd be where she's like tell me the story of us You know, we're gonna New York City and I'll be a famous dancer and you'll be a famous publisher and it's such a like Adolescent view on the world and she's sort of like constantly reminded that she's 27 By everyone around her and that she's poor and she doesn't know what's going on But she retains this sort of childlike puppy. I'm gonna have my best friend and it's gonna be the best It's like that hopefulness that I think is kind of like there's so much like hint of the pain of the experience that she's gone through and Like in her backstory that we don't really see yeah, I can feel there's like that pain But I think she's got like this like good-natured spirit. Yeah quite a hopeful movie She's so charming. God, it's such a good performance watching it again made me miss seeing her on screen so much She's so compelling and she's so just like She doesn't she doesn't fit in she's so tall and like gawky and she's beautiful and she's also like Cuz it's black and white and she's like running everywhere and she falls over like it's such a good slapstick Performance and they have all this old-school like tunes kind of yeah Like it's kind of like this really nice mix especially with that black and white digital cinematography Which is I think gives it a really unique look because it's not like high contrast black and white It's like that silvery black and white that gray scale. Yeah, it was very classical it's kind of this lovely mixed balance of You know French and European new wave Sensibilities and then a little bit of that there I say Woody Allen s comedy Which is definitely like a major influence on this Yeah, this is a great way to watch something if you feel like a Woody Allen movie, but don't need Woody Allen film, but you don't want to give money to a predator Oh, I do think that's kind of like the joy of watching something by someone that's been canceled as you like Yeah, it's like when you're in the shop and like a Michael Jackson song comes on and you're like I'm not allowed to put this on myself, but there is like a Perversely and being like yeah, I'll say to the end of thriller, you know Reading all the ingredients in this cheese Well, it finishes But yeah, like phrases are I feel like it's so funny because I didn't watch a whole lot of Woody Allen growing up So my reference for this sort of humor is girls weirdly. It's very like a New York like a it's very modern Yeah, modern like snarky Yeah, I'm like the way they speak to each other and the way every character is like I don't know a kind of archetype but a very specific archetype This is so good because I recently did a rewatch of girls and this I recently rewatched this as well And I'd say both in the Dunham and Greta good.
I'm like a ground zero Greta Gerwig fan. Yeah, and Lena Dunham fan I've been following Greta going since like the mumble cord days when I was in high school Wow, like what else is she died? Honestly, this is my first Greta Gerwig film.
Well, okay Well, these are like when she was actor like an actor collaborator and stuff So it'd be stuff like bag head with the Duplass brothers Which is like kind of like in the realm of horror comedy and she also made this actual horror movie Where she was a supporting like best friend character in it called house of the devil, which at the time would be like 2007 Maybe I would have seen it was the scariest movie I've ever seen It's like always stuck and I always loved that I go this actress fantastic. So like since I was probably like 16 I just like I love this actor. Yeah, I remember just going like oh god I remember when she was like going to make that how I met your mother spit off like 15. Yeah And I was like, oh, I hope it's great I can't wait to watch her on TV every week, but going back to both this and go It's the first time revisit either of them. Yeah, since I grew older than the characters in the movie I think there's a lot of like when I first saw those things I was either just their age or a bit younger saying and now going back and go like oh my god I've moved beyond them and I'm still a fuck up. Yeah But was he have so much compassion because I've watched girls and I was like 16 17 I think and I was like 24. You're a fucking old lady. You're like they say 27 is old in this Yeah, I know and I'm like, oh man, that's rough But yeah but I remember watching this and feeling and girls and just feeling like All those problems that they had as 24 were like my problems as a 17 year old even this Francis ha like Yet now I'm just like it's funny. Whatever like 15 years ago Like I'd still feels like my life like a weird fucked up portraiture of my own It's a great pic dude.
I love this movie. Thank you. It was a joy to watch It's been so cool seeing like her become the major Yeah, like a major part of film now Yeah, just her extension of just with each film becoming more ambitious. It's so exciting to me That's why I love the Barbie movie like cuz it was so Weird like it shouldn't have worked Like it's a studio musical and the to like this is a way that it was pieced together Like it shouldn't be brassy broad comedy with like really interesting like a production design Yeah, and then it was very off-kilter. It was like have you seen stat let's flats? Yeah It's very Jamie Jimmy sure who's in the movie and I was like did he do a pass like that bit when Ryan Gosling like turns around is like sublime and you're like What like it's so funny, but it's like it's not like a setup punchline joke It's just like a guy being a weird little freak and like I just was like I watched it and I was like This is so I was also really stoned when I was but yeah I was It shouldn't have worked and then like the way that Barbie also didn't even have like the main Sort of storylines the people with the main storylines were like America Ferrera and Ryan Gosling. I'm sorry Ken and yes But like yeah, it was so I think like it was sort of a triumph in the way that it was Pieced together, I guess like I don't think it was like the world's best film, but I think it was like an incredibly ambitious and objectively weird Film and I think that like you can see Greta's weirdness sort of come out in this script Yeah, and I think like I felt I don't know I think I had a lot of trouble with Lady Bird because I think I had a very complicated relationship with like my Parents and everyone's like oh you're gonna love Lady Bird and I was like that mom that mom loves her so much I was just like compared to my living and also like she was supposed to be poor and I was like compared to my living situation like this is a fucking cakewalk like I was really like put down by How poor she is? Okay, but um, yeah, I really loved Little Women and Bobby I just thought was very ambitious.
Yeah. Well, she's a hero We love you. Great. She's good.
Yes, we stand you go with G and she's My dream one day to make a go with G and film dude. I think it's gonna happen It's in you thank you we're going to our next pick now and boy, oh boy, this is Yeah It's also funny because it's like of the films that I picked like you think sick of myself And then you go to Francis Hart. It's like there's a very easily drawn and then you get Francis Hart a old boy Thriller Yeah, one of the great like cult crime thrillers and to me Breakthrough movie into world cinema into Korean cinema. I think very important history this film for Literally like people around the world going something's happening in Korea in Korean film when we should be paying attention Yeah, and this is like an absolute classic from Park Chan walk. When was the first time you saw this movie?
I saw it at home with my parents. Oh my gosh How old were you? I think I was like 14 or 15 So I remember setting it as like my favorite movie on myspace Wow Whenever I watched a cool movie, I would go into my myspace and I would change. Yeah my myspace I remember had sex lies and videotape Sick and your friends on myspace, dude.
Yeah, man. Well, no, I put it in the movie section cuz it would be Favorite yeah, yeah, but like actually all the cool kids were just writing they would just program it So it would just be nothing but like a little millennial tear rolling down my I just think about myspace all the work I would do I would do to make my space be so personal so mine It's incredible that we learned to code to make our social medias like then immediately forgot it I've never done it ever again. It's like little this guy this guy HTML. Yeah. Okay.
Let's go italics This is a great move for a father and daughter Yeah, I mean like I loved it because it's sort of like there was so many twists and turns and I remember my parents Loved making us watch foreign cinema like actually yeah, we we did watch a lot of movies together So I like I yeah, I watched a lot of weird stuff with my parents What was about old boy that like stuck with you though? Cuz I've watched this a lot of times It's one of those movies that's just really always been in my head I think the joy of revisiting it for me is You can never forget the direction you're going in old boy. You can never forget what's like once you've seen old boy that first time is so Visceral the experience of going like where you end up that endpoint and just in case there's listeners or viewers I haven't seen it. I'm gonna hold that back I'm just holding that we don't want it because I think it's such a great breakthrough movie Yeah, especially for young people who would like test yourself and watch something that's like a bit fucked a bit whacked It's so far but also really immersive you never forget where you're heading to but the journey getting there is like just as thrilling where you kind of like you embrace the feeling of going I'm Finding out all the information exactly at the same time O'Dea Sue is finding out all the information and you're kind of just like on the edge on the brink and Even there's moments where you have the character staring at a computer screen doing research where you're just grits Yeah, I need to know what is it's all about revenge. It's all about this mystery It's all about like trying to understand what has happened to this guy who was locked up and imprisoned against his will out of nowhere for seemingly an unknown reason even to you the viewer yeah, and it's just it's so involving so interesting and just so It's so funny Like it's like the opening shot is him like bringing fairy wings to his kid and he's just a clown like he's just on the Train being drunk and it's so funny and then he's like locked in this prison cell and there's like there's one TV channel that he can watch like all the rules of the prison cell are like Hilarious and even when he's sort of like Training and he's trying to like chip away at the bit like everything he does.
I find the actor that plays O'Dea Sue He's just he's hilarious. Like yeah, and he has this crazy hair as well as it pops out Yeah, the actors Choi Min-sik Choi Min-sik. He's a genius He's a genius because it's like I've seen him in other films as well, but he it's that transformation We go it's hard to even compute. It's the same man. Yeah, he finds the way to go This is the same ad and this is what happened to him after yes Incredibly awful experience.
Yeah, it's god. It's just incredible movie. Yes. I'm so glad you brought it here It's great to share with people.
You've never seen old boy.
It's just it's a rip out. I mean hold that up again I've bought probably six different editions of all really This is the latest ones the new four case a new translation from neon films in America. Yeah, and I was just like I need it Maybe I'll have to borrow this cuz I yeah But it is good I'm like this just I don't know it's just so I think silly at some point like I think this like the way it oscillates from being like very funny and very Like I'd say he's really um Like in the same way Greta Gerwig is so like comedically like slapsticky like this guy's that and then turns around and becomes like an action hero like just like there's a scene where he like that is In a spoiler, but he like kills nine.
There's like nine guys coming at him with knives It is one of the most exhilarating action sequences a one-shot long take minutes long Why he's got a hammer. He's beating up nine guys at that hammer.
It's exhilarating. It's just beautifully choreographed because it's like messy Yeah precise. Yeah, and it's so like it's full-on to watch and like there's also a scene where he like eats the octopus I feel like I'm saying like there's two scenes that everybody always Do it because I think he kills all those people that have are then there's like a scene like with an octopus and he's like He eats a live octopus and as he's eating the octopus. The octopuses are like crunching around drools and like oh It's like so full-on and it's like but it's like a delicate.
I don't know.
It's just it's just there's so many like visually arresting and disturbing Images in this film just from like a Cinematography like picture perspective and then you just get into like the story which is somehow Even more fucked up. We can't give it away. But like it's so fucked up like The and it's also like without being like it's so Korean like you couldn't make this it's so to do with like a sensibility of a culture that is so like and I think it's a very like Asian thing to like be about like honor and Reputation and like family and like, you know upholding like a good Duty one has to their family I'm like not to be like in Australia. We don't give a fuck about our families But like, you know if yeah, if you could never make this film in Australia And you could also they tried to make it in the u.s.
I didn't bother watching it It's one of my heroes of all time Spike Lee made that it's it's a it's a disappointment But there's still some interesting things in there. Yeah, but also People will shit on this movie all the time. Give Spike Lee a break. I'm talking not to you, but directly to the audience right now People I always like Lee a break break. He's one of the best filmmakers of all time and even seen do the right thing Hey, it's a black plan. Yes It makes the best reason how come X is the best vibe pick ever made and it's like I always see people online going like Oh Spike Lee, but he made that awful boy movie. How can you make it's like But he didn't have a chance like and wasn't there some rumor that's like their studio recorded or like Original cut doesn't call it a Spike Lee joint. He just says a film directed by Spike Lee It's not one of his joints.
Yeah, so it doesn't count. Yeah But anyway, the original still holds a maximum power so hot and it's so Just like I just remember watching it and like every turn I was surprised Like I was like no, no, I was like no and then I was like, oh my god I hope what I think is happening isn't happening. And then it was something completely different. Like it's just so Yeah, Wow, it's fucked.
You're gonna need to have like a cold shower. Yeah, and they would stick of myself Yeah, you're gonna just like turn the whole water off Especially if you're a girl one other shout out they'll give to old boy the music the score by Cho Yong-wook I think is so freakin good. Just love that score love the waltz enos of it all Hey dreamy, it's such a good score I don't see those like the immense like the cinematography or like the visual imagery and it like him in the field Coming out of a suitcase is like I don't know. It's so red like it always does it Yeah, it's like that dream imagery dude, and it's yeah make it sit in reality Yeah, they make it in the real world and then also like after it's been set in like grimy Korean like city the urban landscape urban landscape and then suddenly it's in this field and it's sort of yeah I don't know. It's so it's so beautiful If you've never seen old boy, please we will respect you if you do take this opportunity to see it now You gotta see it man. Great pic Nina And I'll say this as I've been concocting your Staff pic recommendation as I've been turning the wheels in my head the gears are whirring It was the like the wrench in the works of like going like, okay It's a bit different from the rest of them because sick of myself and friends heart It is about a young woman that does not have her life together basically But as we said before like this is about an old man That does not have his life together and a young woman that does not have this life together.
So so I was like, okay Well, what do I do? I felt like those things were important about like, you know, almost like a Coming-of-age in the adult world space buildings Roman. Yeah, exactly. So I was like, okay, that's essential to this Yeah, and then but I will say sick of myself and old boy I think actually a great companion I think so too because of the way they like focus on Relationships and push that like that boat way far out way far and I also say they're both a little body horror type elements to Them. Yeah, so it's kind of thinking in that space of like, you know, the growing up coming-of-age films But there was like, okay. Well, how can I go old boy?
I thought well Why don't look in Korean cinema instead for you? So I was like I had there was a couple of things that were worrying around But then I started to go with a very rare film for you It's rarely seen but it is available seen us now in Australia online. So I thought it was a sign I had to go with it film from 2017 It is called microhabitats Drama I've never heard of this film and this is kind of like a Dramedy coming-of-age, but more I'd say it's a bit more dramatic than the other ones, but I don't know it's not quite I think you will like this movie because it is Go region if you will. Okay.
There we go with Jim It's about me so who's lives basically day to day as a housekeeper So she doesn't she kind of like she doesn't work It's like the way her life is very small I'd say and the things that she likes most in her world whiskey and cigarettes and then there's a point in Korea where there is Cigarettes go up in price and her rent is Expanded as well So she basically decides to leave much more meagerly so she can still enjoy a life of whiskey and cigarettes I love that. Yeah, someone that like in my early 20s did not have enough money to eat food But spent it all on weed. I Think this was me Yeah, tighten my belt for the same reason She basically gives up living in a home and ends up couch surfing and Living with old friends jumping around like old friends at old band mates Like she used to be in a band when she was younger and starts like living couch surfing on there in their houses Jumping from house to house. You kind of see her life Yeah, a little bit progressively worse as it goes on but there's something about this film that has a good sense of humor So every now and then you get a really nice charming laugh And there is this kind of like profound experience of warmth around this film That gives it this empathy as well.
If anything another thing I'd compare it to there's a little bit of Paddington. That's about it I'm not saying Paddington. I'm sorry, but it's not fucked up enough for me. Well, hey, well, this is your Paddington Microhabitat is your Paddington.
Yeah, it's got really captivating beauty really lovely cinematography But it's like it's niceness and it's warmth extends beyond its aesthetics as well But yes, it's something that's really evolving like really lovely It is by filmmaker called John go wound a female filmmaker And I actually don't know if they've made anything else since then but this was like a bit of a minor Hit in Korea, but has not it's been rarely seen overseas Yeah, but now it's really it's on TV and we've got to hear the last video store for you to borrow Oh, thank you so much. What do you reckon this hand up your alley? It sounds exactly up my alley Yeah, it actually it reminds me Weirdly, I was reading this book and it's not a movie. Sorry to bring Art form books are movies, but without hot people saying the line so they like him very much Well, I'm sorry to bring them up but it reminds me of there's a book called convenience store woman about a woman that just Loves working in the convenience store and everyone around her is like you're a freak Yeah, why do you love the convenience store and she just loves it and she like basically yeah puts in similar structures just to So she could keep working at a convenience But it seems the I don't know when you were telling me that I was like, oh that reminds me of this Thing kind of what I've done to continue working in a video stories.
Yes To put in all these structures all these structures move to a whole new city and town and stay to work here But yeah, that's my dream. Well, I'm glad you finally achieved it And I won't be smoking those durries and whistles at the back. No problem, dude. We enjoy those enjoy micro habitat. Thank you Thank you for joining me Is there anything that you're cooking up at the moment that you want people to get their eyes upon?
Oh, you're always making cool stuff like like think like it's a fun TV Yeah, well, I don't know when this is coming up, but I have a comedy show touring. Oh, yes Oh, yeah, you're going all around Australia the Melbourne Comedy Festival, yes, Sydney, Tasmania, Tasmania, Adelaide, Canberra Perth So many places.
I'm like, oh my god But yeah, I basically just talk about my pussy for an hour So if you don't want to listen to that then don't come but if you like rude things and rude girls And um, it's go with you There's body horror No, I mean no there's I was gonna be like I talk about fisting a lot, but I was like that's nobody her That's just well sexy. Um bodily pleasure can be horrific. That is true Anyway, but I don't know why I'm being so bashful.
You already had a white on reason like We got this But yeah I've come to my comedy tour and watch deadlock and also watch latecomers on SBS on demand on demand and watch Koala man on Disney Plus. Yeah, you're everywhere. Yeah, please. Thank you. You can't get away from me I'm in your podcast Yeah, thank you for having me Alexi. My pleasure, dude. Enjoy those Let me know what you think of microhabitat if you get to watch it. I absolutely will. Thank you.
Have a good day Hi My huge and sincere thank yous to my dear friend Nino yama for joining us here on the last video store today If you want to catch up with Nina her comedy festival show is right now starting in Melbourne It's called Nino. Yama is coming. Check it out. It's so funny and Why don't we keep checking out what her picks are? Sick of myself her new release title is actually not quite yet available for you to watch online but keep your eyes peeled because it is a ripper and It's the kind of thing that I feel like there might even be some more screening of that happening around town So it's another shout out to static vision a great small independent distributor here in Australia bringing in cool Weed movies just like sick of myself all the time. So keep your eyes peeled on that and Francis ha one of her favorite films in the weekly section is available to watch on binge and the criterion Channel if you're subscribed to that congratulations, you're a true cinephile and a real one in my eyes old boy one of my favorites as well is available to watch and rent on VOD and you can watch it on shutter and There's a few new blu-rays of it with that gorgeous new translation from neon and my stuff pick recommendation for Nina is microhabitat a small Korean film it's hard to find but not right now You can watch it for free on to be and I'll say this to be is one of the great streaming providers My heart sings when I think about them they do such good work for no money whatsoever so check out microhabitat on to be and check out Nino llama live with a new comedy festival show in Melbourne right now and Continuing around the rest of Australia until next time, please Respect cinema in every form you receive it |
cracked | why_pop_science_matters_lowest_common_dominator | Hello, and welcome to another episode of Lowest Common Dominator, the only show that sifts through the oil spill of pop culture, plucks out the grossest bits, and cleans them off to reveal a majestic, uh, I don't know, like a duck or something. Elk! God, those are pretty animals.
Anyway, I'm your host and sledgewiper, Soren Bui, and I've worn this suit for more pretend events than real ones. At this point, I'm barely a real person.
Grease the wheel! This of course is the wheel of low culture, and if we give it a quick spin, we'll find that the oily topic I'll be bathing today is...
Come on, no Grammys, no Grammys, no Grammys...
Pop science! Oh, actually, that's perfect. Fits nicely with my seat choice for today. Now, you may have noticed that instead of sitting on something logical, I've chosen this precarious sack of air. And that's because science told me to. Sorry, pop science told me to.
Scientists like PopSugar, Runner's World, HuffPo, and whole piles of other pseudo-credible websites feature a slew of studies proving the benefits of trading in your spine-rooting office chair for an exercise ball. Science, it seemed, had definitive proof that everything wrong in our lives, from headaches and depression all the way to cancer, was because of the fault in our...chars. Which would have been groundbreaking news if there were literally any true science to back it up. Instead, the actual studies about substituting exercise balls for real furniture were like this one from 2009 that said that sitting on a ball for long periods of time contributed to the same terrible posture as a desk chair. Or this study that said that sitting on a ball every day will actually compact your spine causing more back pain than a chair. And while none of them came anywhere close to a consensus on their ability to stop headaches or cure cancer, the general conclusion of each report boiled down to, uh, probably won't kill you.
But that's when every science blog or magazine collectively whispered, ah, I get you. Say no more. Wink. And that's generally how all pop science is born. Sites like iFeeding love science, Psychology Today, and even Popular Science are all operating with the understanding that we're idiots and that if science doesn't look like a CSI montage that ends in a big revelation, then we won't pay attention. And the worst part is, they're right. Evidence! Maybe you remember this story from iFeeding Love Science about how researchers finally figured out what the perfect penis looks like. That was seen by millions and shared 48,000 times, presumably because no one read to the last sentence which overtly says, overall, when trying to figure out what makes a perfect penis, researchers found that there was no single penile aspect that is essential. You know, that thing the title literally promised.
Or maybe you remember this recent story about how dogs actually understand everything that you say. It bled all the way into NPR and the Washington Post confirming something that we've all wanted to believe our whole lives, that dogs are secretly hairy mute people who just quietly get it. But the study that created all that attention doesn't say anything close to that. A university in Hungary collected 13 dogs well trained enough that they'd patiently sit in an MRI machine for up to an hour. Which, by the way, should have been the headline, right? What great goddamn dogs! Then the dogs listened to words in different cadences and the researchers documented the increase in oxygen flow to different parts of their brain. And they found that the words of praise pushed a bunch of extra blood into the left hemisphere, which is the part we think is responsible for language comprehension. Words unassociated with praise didn't trigger anything, regardless of the kind of voice the speaker used. And that's it. So the study really only showed that these well trained dogs heard words like well done and that's it so frequently that they recognized them.
But that didn't stop every single science blog from climbing over one another to say, dude, your dog f***ing gets you! See, everything you read on science blogs is more like the based on a true story version of science. They are only beholden to the truth as long as the truth is interesting. Beyond that, they have no moral compunction about telling you that science says dogs have perfect dicks or whatever. What's worse, that impulsive, short attention span part of each of us doesn't even care if it's true as long as the story is good. And we prove it with every share and every Facebook post that allow this pop science to go viral. Now here's why it matters.
It's hard to remember today, but it wasn't that long ago that science was deeply uncool. Every scientist depicted in every medium of our culture was an eccentric nerd that no one could possibly relate to. Rick Moranis in Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Peter Parker in Spider-Man, Ross from Friends, Doc in Back to the Future, those kids from Weird Science. Even the Ninja Turtles were f***ing ruthless to Donatello even though he built all the stuff that set Shredder to Dimension X in the first place. As far as culture was concerned, dorks did science. But thanks to the internet and sites like Ifeep and Love Science, it's suddenly not only acceptable, but cool to express a scientific curiosity. Scientists in movies today are the booze-guzzling naked-dancing Oscar Isaacs of Ex Machina. Things change primarily because pop science convinced even the dumbest people that knowing the laws that govern the universe could be cool.
And there are tangible effects to this. That drought and science's popularity throughout my and presumably your childhood meant that the fields of math, technology, and engineering are starved for young scientists now. The generations who grew up thinking it was for nerds produced record-low numbers of people in the field because, you know, we were all trying to get our bands signed. But now you can actually see a momentum shift. According to a survey published by Forbes that asked American kids under 11 what they wanted to be when they grew up, 32% of boys and 41% of girls count STEM careers as their dream job. And if you think the kids that age don't have their finger on the pulse of pop culture enough to understand what's cool yet, know that the number one choice for most boys was still professional athlete followed closely by superhero. But the tides, they're slowly changing, and that's because science, or what we think of as science, has become much more accessible to everybody. So now weigh the benefits with the consequences.
In the end, does it even matter how well the average person actually understands a given study? What are they going to do with that misinformation besides spread it at parties? Meanwhile, no kid grows up wanting to be a scientist because she's interested in the protein metabolism of a nematode.
No, she wants to touch a feeding whale. She wants to be the first person to step on another planet. She wants to wash the oil from an elk's face and ride it across the sea.
This little girl did. Anyway, my point is, what's wrong with a little misunderstanding if it creates a positive outlook on the importance of science in the world? Now, I know what some of you are thinking.
If pop science starts to govern funding on actual science, real work will never get done unless the studies can publish the kind of miraculous results the public wants to see. To which I say, how is that any different than it's ever been? Science has always been notoriously underfunded and strong-armed into coming up with specific results based on who's supplying the money. Go look at toxicology reports from early tobacco tests or ExxonMobil's early studies of global warming. An increased interest in the sciences is only going to drive more objective funding into the field.
Bam! Those shitty science blogs are not only tolerable, but essential. I'd like to take a moment to thank this ball for getting me there. That's it for today. Please come back next time when, fingers crossed, I'll have some event in my life that will necessitate a new suit. It's unlikely. Thanks again and goodbye. Banananana. Oh, crap.
Hello and thank you for watching another episode of Lowest Common Dominator. Please always go ahead and like and subscribe, all of those things. Also go down to the comments and let me know if there are any other ideas that you want me to cover, things that you think are the lowest, the dregs of pop culture. And I will look at them.
Is this distracting? What I'm doing right now? Is it distracting to you? Oh, I'm not going to stop. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_only_thing_you_can_t_put_ranch_on_ | Yeah, my husky does the same thing. She used to be so afraid of the water, but she's fine now.
Hey guys! What's going on? Having a little lunch before the big meeting? Uh, yeah. Mind if I take a seat? Ooh, salad! Me too! Is that ranch? Let me just... Thank you! So what kind of salad you got? It's... Cobb, I think. What's yours? Fruit! So what's everyone talking about? I heard husky?
I'm a total dog person, I just, I wish I wasn't so allergic! I get so sick, you know? Plus I heard having a dog is a lot like having a baby, and there's no way I'm ready for one of those.
Actually, my kid brother has a kid. Good brother's good. That's funny. Anyways, my kid brother's kid really sprouted up this summer.
I mean, one day they're knee-high and the next they're going to piano practice? Now he's interested in playing the drums. I told my brother, drums!
Good luck! Oops! Looks like we're running dry. Denise? Do you mind? Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, I forgot. I've been having brain farts all day. I mean, this morning I thought the cup where I keep my pushpins was my coffee mug. Talk about ouch! Denise, that reminds me, can we stock some more of those thumbtacks?
The round ones. Not the square ones. They hurt my tongue.
I mean, thumb! Oh my god! There I go again! Ted, what's going on? Let me just... Thank you!
Anyways, I don't know if you noticed, but Doug has seemed off recently. He was acting so weird when I got in. I mean, I guess you've got to give the man a break. He's on his third divorce now? At least he's been married.
I mean, that's more than I can say for myself. No, to be honest, I'm just waiting for the right one. I mean, why is it so hard to find someone normal these days? Right? Who am I kidding? You guys don't have this problem. You're like perfect tens of just a nine and a half.
Am I talking quiet? I feel like I'm talking quiet. Denise, can you hear me down there?
I'm just playing. Oh, all done. Just in time, too.
Gotta get back to the old grindstone. Tell you what, why don't we head down to Juan Pancho's after work for some taqueritos?
What do you think? Drinks? Richard? Drinks?
All right, I'll see you then. Later, Gators!
Terry, who was that? I have no idea. |
dropout | all_nighter_09_beef_gurewitch | I keep on having to remember the blank. Who is? What? I'm... You or what? I hope your tummies are growling. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's 5.30 in the morning. Exactly.
That's why I spent the last hour preparing my family's signature culinary dish, Beef Gerwich. Beef Gerwich? Yeah. Beef Gerwich was created in 1844 by my great-great-great-grandfather, the lumberjack, hand-boned mousse-jaw pancake, the three-fingered battle axe, Gerwich. That's too many nicknames. One for every ingredient in beef Gerwich. It smells like vagina and paint.
Now, long story short, hand-boned goes out into the wilderness to hunt possum for their testicles. You see, possum testy necklaces were all the rage fashion-wise in the 1840s. Now, he's out there in the woods, and who does he encounter but Paul Bunyan, the man himself, also hunting possum for their testicles. Now, the two men get in a bit of a tiff and hand bone, never one to step down from a fight, okay? Bun rapes Paul Bunyan to death and slaughters Babe, the big blue ox.
What are you talking about? Why are you still saying words?
Now, every year, my family slices off a chunk of Babe's corpse, never refrigerated, never cured, never preserved in any way since 1844.
Yeah! Uh-huh! Quick!
Finish your portion of the blood ox! That's solidified! What's the door? You're dead! Beef Gerwich is a communal experience! Why would you do it again? What a shame. It looks like someone didn't finish their Beef Gerwich.
No.
Wait a minute. Where's Kevin? Oh my god, I think this is his shirt! |
dropout | you_have_got_to_try_heroin_hardly_working | I just started watching Orphan Black.
Oh yeah? I'm hooked. Oh, it's the best, right? Right? Oh my god, it's so good. You know what else is really good?
Heroin. Wait, like the drug?
Yeah! Ah, super addictive, right? Like I started it and I cannot stop.
That's terrible.
No, you were just talking about how great Orphan Black is because it's addictive. Orphan Black isn't great because it's addictive, it's great and it's addictive.
Yeah, like heroin. We're not gonna try heroin.
Oh, you have to, it's so good. It's better than Game of Thrones, and money, and sex, and family, and the career, and winning a marathon, and seeing your goals, cheap, loud.
No, Trapp, it's not. You need to stop this. Terrible things happen to people who get into this stuff.
Whoa, spoilers, man. There's no spoilers, it's not a TV show.
It's a dangerous drug that could ruin your life.
Thanks for telling me. Now I have no reason to keep doing it. Good. Okay, so you'll stop. Probably not.
See, here's the great thing about heroin is like it gives you a lot to obsess about, right? Like I'm not doing heroin right now, I'm still thinking about doing heroin, like puzzling it over and like talking to other people about heroin. It's really cool, guys, I really think you'd like it.
No! All right, well, just go back to talking about your Orphan Black or whatever. No, forget that.
It's way more important that we talk about your heroin addiction. Great, okay. Here's what you need to know.
When is this opioid analgesic that metabolizes into morphine in your system to give you this rush of transcendent euphoria? Okay, I can tell I'm like not doing it justice, but trust me, it's way cooler than it sounds.
We're not going to do heroin. Why not?
Okay, we're all really worried about you. You're making a terrible, possibly deadly mistake. Is that really what you think?
Yeah. Okay, I'll stop. Great.
Hi, I'm Mike Trapp from College Humor. Three years ago, I had a happy, normal life.
Now look at me, I'm lurking at the end of YouTube videos begging strangers for clicks.
Just one click, man. That's all I need. You can click over here to subscribe to a channel or click over here to watch another video. Come on, man, one click. That's all I need. Just give me a click. |
TheOnion | Popular_1920s_Dance_Originated_As_Way_To_Terrorize_Jews_Season_1_Ep_6_on_IFC | Today, we travel back to a time when dancing wasn't just something you did when you were blackout drunk at your girlfriend's cousin's wedding. If you were a young hep cat on this day in history, 75 years ago, chances are you were doing the Lindy Hop, a dance that finds its roots in the virulent anti-Semitism that was all the rage at the time. Named for the Nazi sympathizer, Charles Lindbergh, the Lindy Hop was originally invented as a way to terrorize Jewish shop owners.
Dwayne Willis was young enough to see the dancer's birth first hand.
Oh sure, you grab your best girl, go down to the kosher deli with your little Victrola and start swinging around in the air until you destroyed everything in sight.
After the dance spread to dance halls and big band clubs, dancers started developing new moves to express bigotry toward Jews. Some of the most popular steps at the time were the fret, the money counter, and of course, eating babies. Eventually the Lindy Hop waned in popularity, but this little dance with burning hatred at its heart will always be a part of American history. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_The_Shining | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. On today's Cinema Classics segment, I'm going to be looking at The Shining, Stanley Kubrick's remarkable adaptation of the Stephen King horror novel starring Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall, and myself, Peter K. Rosenthal, as a young Danny Torrance before the cold, heartless Hollywood machine sucked me dry of any natural God-given talent I had, spit me out, and ruined my entire life. Revolving around a young family's winter stay at the isolated and mysterious Overlook Hotel, The Shining is a monumental achievement in modern cinema, and thus far my one and only screen credit.
My role was difficult, and as a young and admittedly naive actor, I naturally thought this would be the beginning of a long and illustrious career in Hollywood. But that simply wasn't the case. In fact, it seems Hollywood had little need for a, quote, Danny Torrance type, whatever the hell that even means, and callously cast me into Tinseltown's waste bin like a piece of trash. But then Hollywood producers don't really care about nuance and skill, do they? Because the role of Chris Chambers in the film Stand By Me, a role I received three, count them, three callbacks for, went to another young star by the name of River Phoenix. Apparently the Hollywood elite believed River Phoenix had a long, bright career ahead of him. Well, we all know how that turned out, huh? Nevertheless, Stanley Kubrick's directing in The Shining is still studied to this day by critics and fans alike. Of course, one cannot help but wonder where the great master director was when one of his brightest former stars needed help, and why he refused to take his calls, and why he couldn't throw him a goddamn bone by casting him as the piano player in Eyes Wide Shut. Christ, it wasn't even that big of a fucking part, just something to get me back on my feet for a few months. Oh, but that's movie magic for you, right? Movie magic! Yes, it sure is magical how Hollywood takes a wide-eyed six-year-old child shows him a promising future, and then rips him apart piece by piece until he's unable to get a single audition. He can't get his own agent to call him back. He's forced to pursue film studies and changes his name because of his therapist's suggestion to let go of the past. Christ, Shelley Duvall worked regularly after The Shining, and she was terrible! Ah, well, fucking hooray for Hollywood, eh, dummies?
A place where dreams come true! Cocksucking piece of shit hellhole.
I'm 40 years old. Do I look like I'm 40 years old?
Huh? Yeah, well, this is what happens when a man is forced to lay down in the putrid urine of the Hollywood elite for over two decades while all your favorite celebrities trample over him to get their precious accolades and their admiration. For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
SaturdayNightLive | teri_hatcher_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and Gentlemen, Harry Potter! A lot of you know me from my Tv show, Lois and Clark, where I play Lois. the main difference in this version of Superman is that I, Lois Lane, know that Clark Kent is Superman. I mean, how could you not know? Clark Kent wears glasses, and Superman doesn't, right? I mean, granted, it did take me two seasons to figure that out.
Anyway, I've had a lot of fun this week, and in fact, Will Ferrell sent me flowers before the show, and he gave me the sweetest note, and, well, I just wanted to read it to you. Dear Terry Kins, that's what he calls me. Well, you know what? Will should read this. Will, would you? No, yeah, no problem. you guys are just going to love this. Oh, my God. Dear Terry Kins.
Who are you? Wait, what's the matter, Terry? I'm just reading the note. who are you? where do Will go? Security?
No, no, no, no, Terry. Oh, look, look, Terry. No, I have a lot of, oh, oh, my God. oh, Will. here, I was so scared. Terry, that was me. Oh, no, no, this guy was really freakish looking. No, no, no, no, no. Now, Terry, just watch. look, look.
Will, Will, Will, Will, Will, Will, Will. Do you understand? I'm always Will.
Nancy, can you come up here and help us with something? Who are you? I'm Nancy Walls. No, you're not Nancy Walls. No, yeah, it's Me, Nancy. Nancy!
Oh, God! Oh, you wouldn't believe it. there was just some crazy woman up here pretending to be you. No, no, no, no. it's just these glasses.
Here. Here you go. Now look in the monitor. See?
Who is that woman? I thought I was hosting the show tonight. No, no, no, no. you are hosting the show. Oh, God! Oh, I've been working on it so hard all week. hey, guys, what's going on? who's this guy? Oh, I'm sorry. I still don't know who this guy is.
I'm Tim Meadows. I've been in the cast for like eight years. What are your hit characters? I don't have any, really. Oh, well, I'm sure you'll get some. we have a great show for you. Dave Matthews Band is here. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Common_Ground_A_Saviour_Returns_A_Solution_To_The_Labour_Shortage_More_November_18 | How is everyone going? How are you Errol?
Not bad mate, it's good to see you wearing shoes this week, I think last week when you came into this recording studio here at Desert Rock FM, you came in here bare feet, it almost felt like I was hopping into a silver service taxi down there in Sydney mate, they're all just driving around barefoot, I mean the last cab ride I had down there I hopped in the airport, the bloke he said oh we don't put the meter on here anymore, I thought oh I'm not very well versed in Sydney, so I thought yeah sure and then he bloody charged me nigh on a hundred bucks to get from the airport down there in Sydney to Newscorp in Suray Hills, in lefty Mordor as they say down there at Holt Street, yeah look he charged me a hundred bucks and he wouldn't take my f-boss card so. War in Ukraine I think, inflation. Yeah look so when you came into the booth last week and you weren't wearing shoes it just took me straight back to Sydney which is a place I don't like being clancy.
Yeah nah it was an interesting one, it wasn't tinier in the end but it was something going on down there, I sorted it out, bit of kerosene and I put the feet near the fire. Did you piss on your feet anyway? Nah nah that's actually the petric acid, I learned a long time ago. No it is, it works yeah if you piss on your feet. No mate, petric acid, you've fallen for it too, I've fallen for it years ago with the jellyfish stings up there in Perugin, what about you Wendell what's going on?
Yeah I'm good, look as you can probably tell from my voice, struggling this time of year, fantasising about the things I do to the man who planted all the London plane trees around the Diamond Tanners Shire, I hate this time of year, lying awake. I thought you had COVID-19 but you know. Well of course, that's what everyone assumes but the new tests actually don't pick up the new variant so it's kind of, I could have it, who knows.
Oh well, what's in the news this week? We're going to start off with some international news that has an Australian flavour and the headline reads like this, bro that one with the bright orange sauce, that's my favourite Albanese tells Xi Jinping. Yes it was a historic moment at the G20 this week with Prime Minister Anthony Albanese meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping in Bali, becoming the first Australian leader to do so in six years. And while there was plenty to discuss in regards to the trade war and the chance of a future military war, the dialogue took an interesting turn. Correctamundo, Clance dog, the new Australian PM apparently spent a fair chunk of time talking to Mr Xi about how much he loves that dish with the mad bright orange sauce. Sweet and sour pork, he said, it is the best Chinese dish hands down, I don't think Albo said this, which was surprisingly received better than the constant calls for an investigation into the ongoing and origins of the coronavirus pandemic. Yeah Xi doesn't like talking about that, look we had a comment on that story that said just need to treat Xi to a family banquet at Willow Garden and the diplomatic crisis will be over. Yeah a couple of crownies will cool anyone down. I mean we all know it came out of a wet market in Wuhan so I mean like what's the point I mean. Well the predecessor to the predecessor to the predecessor to Anthony Albanese, that Morrison bloke was trying to imply that it was a lab leak or it was the word chemical warfare, that's what he was trying to imply when he was trying to impress Donald Trump in the dying days of his presidency. Well whatever it was, it was too good for meatloaf and what else is coming up?
Speaking of Donald Trump, Clancy Overell, an egotistical billionaire has announced plans to fix America like that other one fixed Twitter. He's back, Donald Trump has announced that he's going to make another run for the US presidency and his pitch to the United States of America is even better than last time. Well he made America great again in 2016 to 2020, that's debatable. From 2024 onwards he's going to be quote rescuing the American dream. Yes it's very exciting and of course comes in the wake of another egotistical billionaire making a splash by buying the largest virtual cesspit in the world known as Twitter. So just like Twitter owner Elon Musk, Donald plans to bring his charisma and loose relationship with the tax office to public prominence to rescue the nation once again.
Now look there's some great economic news here in Australia that we're going to touch on. Our labour shortage has suddenly been resolved as busted crypto bros return to the workforce. Yes wonderful news for employers who are breathing a massive sigh of relief this week. The Australian workforce has experienced a much needed injection of skilled and unskilled manpower not seen since before the pandemic which forced cheap migrant labourers out of jobs and out of the country for a few years. Yeah I'd say mostly unskilled but all of this comes as a result of the crypto market plunging lower than anyone had ever really expected. Even the staunch traditional suits who have spent years writing cryptocurrency offers a ponzi scheme. So with all of the crypto bros now forced to look for a real job, cafes, bars, supermarkets and factories all across the country have finally managed to fill their vacancy rolls except of course for Deliveroo which got forced to leave the country thanks to Albo's new IR laws which... Well that means 15,000 more workers ready to fill the market so it's going to get even better. Yeah and I'm sure they are relieved to be freed from the chains of the gig economy those poor buggers.
Now finishing up with some sports news and every single window in the greater Logan Shire has shattered as the Samoan community have unleashed biblical semi-finals. CHEEHOO! Yes history was made on Saturday night with Samoa becoming the fathers of England and a record-breaking amount of glass shattering across the South East Queensland region of Logan. That came with the Pacific Island nation beating the hosts of the Rugby League World Cup and the inventors of the game in one of the most exciting matches of the tournament. Yes we should be quick to point out that Polynesians can live in other places other than Logan but that landmark victory resulted in plenty of excitement from Mount Druitt to Logan to Apia. A lot of CheeHoos getting around which is a Samoan expression I'm led to believe of excitement it's since been confirmed that Sunday morning's post-semi-final celebration is the loudest CheeHoo in human history with a piercing high pitch capable of shattering every pane of glass within 30 kilometres of the radius. Yeah there were a lot of utes and vehicles out cleaning up the glass after that.
And good on them I hope they beat Australia. Oh keep it going imagine what would happen if they brought down the kangaroos in the final. That'd be an even louder CheeHoo.
Well Paul Kent would have a hernia I reckon with mine. The only reason I want them to get up is so Paul Kent has a hernia. When are you going to call Paul Kent out for a celebrity boxing match Clancy? There's not too much of an age difference I think that Clancy's about no you're four years older than Paul Kent aren't you?
Yeah I'm four years older than him but he's obviously an athlete because he's like I would be outmatched in the sense that I've never played professional sport and he played one match. Yeah there's one game of NRL separating the pair of you so it's not too bad. Oh mate look you know he's he has easy to criticize if you haven't done it. He's played one more than you. I know that's it played one more than me I'm not going to criticize the man he was a professional athlete back when you know most of his teammates were chain smoking PE teachers but either I look mate I'll see how I go I'm going to do this Nusa triathlon first and then maybe we can punch on with fucking Kentie. Well I certainly went to the Commonwealth Games for the Falkland Islands in Greco-Roman Wrestling so I guess I've got one more than Kentie so maybe I can take him on for you.
Hell someone needs to. Anyway that's enough from us this week thank you for tuning in to your favorite podcast and to our regular listeners thank you for your loyalty. This is Clancy Overall, Errol Parker and Wendell Hussey signing out. Hooroo. Love you. RDO's as they don't say in the four films because we won. |
cracked | why_the_wizard_of_oz_is_more_hardcore_than_the_wire | What's the plan? How you livin'? Um... Large. Is that right? Ah, you know it. Hey! What's uh... What's all that?
Strictly suit and tie now. Games the game, and the game done changed. You watch The Wire.
So good! Oh man! Stringer Bell! Just the best villain ever!
I mean, it's all manipulati... sly. Glinda, Wizard of Oz. That, that's a manipulati. The one with the flying monkeys? No, no. See, Glinda's the Good Witch.
She's convinced the audience that she's good. The audience leaves thinking that she was there to help Dorothy the whole time.
That's some game shit. Right, but string.
Sounds like magic, because just as Dorothy emerges out of that house, Glinda conveniently shows up to let her know that she, Dorothy, killed the witch. Hey! Welcome to Oz. I'm Glinda. Gee, thanks for killing that evil witch over there, which you totally did.
Can we just talk about The Wire for like a minute? In a second.
So far, Glinda has framed Dorothy for murder, that she almost certainly committed. Enter the Wicked Witch's sister, also named Wicked Witch. She has a murder boner, because her sister just got got. Who does she blame? Dorothy. So, Glinda's playing both sides.
It's like season three. Herc. Herc, whatever.
So, Triple W starts spitting fire at Dorothy, and Glinda, she doesn't even defend her. Then, Glinda decides she's going to steal the dead witch's ruby shoes and give them to Dorothy with some kind of sorceress superglue. Marlow would just send his soldiers to handle that shit. So would Glinda, except Glinda doesn't have thugs. She's got Dorothy. And Glinda's such a badass mastermind that she makes an unwitting assassin out of a teen farm girl. Why? Doesn't Glinda just send Dorothy to the Wizard of Oz? Who's the Wizard of Oz? An old shut-in with a projector? Glinda knows that. She also knows that, eventually, Dorothy's going to have to have a showdown with the witch, because she's still got those shoes. Either Dorothy's going to die, or the witch is going to die. Either way, Glinda's just going to sit back and chill in her bubble and spark a J. Like in Hot Shots, when Avon goes to D'Angelo, it's all like, hey, man, you got to call the shooter. But I haven't even told you the best part! The reason that Dorothy goes along with Glinda's crazy plan is because she's just trying to go home. She wants to go home, but she doesn't know that she's wearing two twin teleportation eye heels, because Glinda doesn't tell her.
Glinda forces her to do the dirty work, and then says, oh, by the way, you could have gone home whenever. You could have gone home whenever you wanted. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas.
What a manipulative bitch. Right? No, you.
You've bagged on me for like two years to watch The Wire. I've talked about how sophisticated it is, and how deep and how I wouldn't get it. And now I watch The Wire, and I want to talk about it.
Hey, did you f*** Wizard of Oz over here? Come on, what is your motive? Well, Glinda's motive is pretty clear. By the end of the movie, all the players are gone. Both witches are rotting in some munchkinland vacancy, and the Wizard is in the wind. So who's left to rule Oz? F***ing Glinda is who.
Cool. Well, uh, I'm gonna go change, so thanks for that. Alright.
Hey, you've seen The Wire, right? Could you fill me in just like the last four seasons, in the second half of the first season? Do they ever... get... McNulty?
YouTube aids. Zero's... Come on. Two... YouTube ads. At the same time. 002! Because it has to sync up exactly, right? Or...
Just say subscribe. Subscribe! |
Wizards_with_Guns | if_the_drive_thru_made_you_take_their_order_ | Hey, what should I get here? Uh, I've actually never eaten here before It's fast food. It's gonna be terrible no matter what Welcome to greasy boys. Hope you're having a cheesy greasy day Right, okay, we're gonna do three separate orders.
Could I get a number four with extra? Can I get a double cheeseburger? Hold that burn? Okay But seriously, could I get a number four? Can I get an extra-large order of curly fries?
No curl Okay, are you serious? Like are you gonna let me order? Cuz we have to- I'm sorry sir, are you gonna take my order? What? No, you take my order like this is not how- Alright, that's it. Can I speak to your manager? What? We don't have a manager. I'll get a helping today, sir What seems to be the problem? Yeah, this guy won't take my order. I'm terribly sorry about that, sir We'll get cooking on that right away. Oh my god.
Where did you come from? Who are you?
And what do you mean start cooking? Cooking with what?
We got hungry customers Help the oblong. Right here mister. Where's that uniform? Come on, man. Just put on the uniform. Come on Frank. We got an order to fill There you go, it's good to work there pal, and you'll get these back when you're done Can I get a change on the soda and the gloves on? I'm trying, I'm trying my best, I don't know Come on there buddy, we need those orders back, back, and back What's happening?
Was this one lettuce?
No bread! These burgers aren't gonna make themselves Well done! How is this possible?
Where's the mustard in the cup holder?
Cause I put one in the bag already I don't want to have to crack the whip on you, cause I will use it Yeah, I'd like to add something to my order What? No! We can't add anything I mean, how bad can it be? Fine, what do you want?
A hundred burgers? That's a shit ton of beef! Is it double? I don't know Hey, can I get more sesame seeds up here? I need twelve of them It's an extra! It's in the trunk!
I can't do this, okay?
I gotta get out of here Well you know what they say, bub If you can't take the heat, get the fuck out of the Honda Civic Fine What kind of cobblers you got? Help inspection? Fiddlesticks! On today of all days! This restaurant didn't even exist before today Well for starters it's a little cramped Yeah, that's a little... That's a hazard Definitely no bathrooms, that's a hazard Strike two And what is that horrid smell? There are no bathrooms! Did you shit in my car? Well, I guess I have no choice but to give this restaurant a failing grade I'm sorry sir! I'm going to have to ask you to leave! Explode it!
Nobody saw that, right? See what? I didn't see it I didn't see anything I saw that How can you help me today, officer?
I saw that You guys opened up a new restaurant Which is why I brought the boys from the precinct Yo, what do you guys want? What? You guys are vegan? You're all accomplices You're in this with me, you got it? What do we do with the body? Grind them up! Like the rest of the meat!
I can't do that! I can't do it! Bring your fire!
I'm sorry, sir But if you want to order at the drive-thru You're going to have to be in a vehicle Okay I'll have one burger please We're actually all out of burger meat A burger restaurant out of meat? That's oddly suspicious I'm sorry It's his first day We have a fresh ground batch right here But we can't Make the nice man his burger! Here you go, officer You're under arrest For making the perfect burger Thanks! That was so close Do you guys think I can get a couple packets of ketchup? Thanks Yeah, is my order ready or what? I'm sorry sir, there's been a hold up Hold up? You all have exactly five seconds To pull up to that window And hand him his fully completed order!
Five Four Three Two One You! That'll be a thousand dollars! Thank you Have a cheesy greasy day! One, action Let me get a corn chip Two, one, action I didn't see anything I saw that His head dries out And the sun's back And the sun's back! We got a bunch of great ones we got to see Oh, thanks god! Two, one, action So he's being shit It's fucking falling apart It's in such disarray |
cracked | we_gender_swapped_legally_blonde_and_everybody_should_go_to_jail | 2001's Legally Blonde tells the story of her sorority sister, Elle Woods, getting dumped by her tall, drink-a-water boyfriend, who thinks her bubbly disposition and freed spirit won't jive with his plans to be a senator, and so she enacts revenge by effortlessly sliding ass backwards into Harvard and becoming a terrific lawyer, and eventually hooking up with Luke Wilson, sporting Lord Farquaad hair. And that's inspiring and girl-powerful, but Hollywood's got some weird assumptions about masculine and feminine roles, and to be honest, maybe we all do, so let's swap some genders around and ask the hard questions that Hollywood is too chicken-sh** to ask. What if a boy tried to become a lawyer?
That's terrible. Sorry?
That's the plot of most Hollywood films? Oh, all Hollywood films.
Okay, well, I don't care. I want to figure out if people would still see this movie as a progressive classic if it featured a man. I know you're upset about all this, but can't you just take a percussive? Because you're watching Gender Swap, I'm Elle, and this is Legally Boy. Okay, welcome to law school.
Elliot Woods is an attractive, seemingly air-headed, fashion-forward, platinum-blan- Ah-ha! Elliot Woods is an attractive, seemingly air-headed, fashion-forward, platinum-blond man who expects to pop the question to his smart, rich, and successful girlfriend.
Because he likes girls, okay? Not all men have to care about their careers above all else, right? You know, some just like boobs and stuff like that. Like Elliot. Whoever said Orange is the new pink was seriously deserved. But instead, Elliot gets a big plate of dumpt. So you're breaking up with me because my bitchs are too big? Which is actually sort of interesting. Because in most movies, when a woman is portrayed as being too smart and ambitious for a man, they're destined to get 27 dressed down until they finally realize being strong and independent pales in comparison to a real good d***ing by James Marsden. When you said that you would always love me, you were just d***ing. So Elliot Woods' girlfriend is actually kind of progressive for focusing on her career? Maybe.
But in this movie, that still makes her a villain. How dare she put her career ahead of making children?
Small schools for people who are boring and ugly and serious. Whatever. In Legally Blonde, Elle sulks around her sorority house with her sisters for days until they finally convince her to steal the bastard back. Now the whole thing that's set up here is how Elle is freaking beloved by her sorority sisters because of her selflessness and compassion and willingness to help them with anything. Everybody likes me. Provided that that thing is looking more or less hot and or pulling off a bake sale or whatever.
But swap that femme paradise with a frat house full of bros and low- I don't want to make assumptions. But I doubt a recently dumped frat brother is going to be inundated with sweet and respectful romantic advice from his housemates. Is there an equivalent frat house comparison, himbo dad type at a real college? He's a guy who followed his pecker to greener pastures.
At any rate, Elliot chases his ex across the country. And let's hope that this big fancy law school teaches Elliot that chasing women who want nothing to do with him has a specific name. Stalking. And stalking is illegal.
Legally Blonde. We'll workshop it. Now to his credit.
Elliot does get into Harvard Law School on his own merits by crushing the LSATs and maintaining a 4.0 in fashion marketing. But okay, at least his video essay shows his charisma and confidence, right? Well, besides its inclusion of what would certainly be a truly unfortunate amount of taut banana hammocks, wouldn't it just piss you off if a dude seemingly got into a prestigious school, largely for being hot? Law school? It's a perfectly respectable place, Daddy. Again, Elliot may be endearing to the audience because he's a nice guy, but Harvard doesn't know that. Even if a bunch of old women saw this video and decided, oh yes, this shredded white boy who knows a lot about current soapy TV shows and is highly motivated to stump for softer toilet paper must come to our law school. Although supposed to be shaping, please say aye. Sure, there are probably plenty of qualified, non-hot, non-white, non-cis, non-rich applicants who couldn't even afford a camera, much less get the professional-grade crew to produce such a video.
But look at that bold. Maybe audiences can squint and pretend like Elliot's not ridiculously privileged, because oh no, everybody looks down on him for caring too much about shoes. But yeah, he really is. You just might not see it as much when it's a woman. Lord Farquaad sort of meekly alludes to this when he tells Elle that being blonde has power and she should use it for good or something. But I think there's a lot more power in being rich and white than having highlights, if I had to guess.
But okay, so the sexy rich white person who drives a Porsche Boxster got into Harvard. But what makes Elliot special is he's brought his compassion and his kindness towards other into the cold and unfeeling world of Cambridge, Massachusetts. While everyone else on campus is focused on homework and studying like a bunch of nerds, hoping to become legal experts and hopefully reform this god-forsaken country, he's out to prove that you don't only have to be smart, you can also be sexy and rich. Finally, someone has given us permission to be sexy and rich. Eventually, Elliot realizes no matter how sexy and rich and smart he becomes, he'll never be enough for his ex.
So he decides to work even harder at lawyering, just to make her jealous. Literally, he builds an entire career out of wanting to spite a woman. Later, our boy Elliot befriends an unlucky-in-love woman played by Jennifer Coolidge. This is no longer some gal pal trying to help her friend meet somebody who will love her for her.
It's a guy explaining to a down-hearted woman that dudes would like you better if you popped your ass out more. Oh my god, the bend and snap works every time! Even if it's a man helping a random older man get laid, I still don't love it. I'm a middle-aged high school dropout that stretch marks in a fat ass. I realize that's basically the plot of Hitch and Crazy Stupid Love, but it's still a weird thing to help people do.
I don't want any strangers teaching me how to have and or attract sex. I hate spoilers.
Fast forward towards the end of the movie when Elliot's success is dunking on women in the classroom, have landed him an exclusive internship. He quickly turns his compassion into a marketable skill by convincing their client to open up and give Elliot a rock-solid alibi for the murder. Which Elliot refuses to share with the rest of the team, because the client does not want to reveal what they were doing instead of murdering their wife.
And what were they doing? Well, they were getting butt surgery to continue to look hot and rich and white, and blonde, and also to stay rich, because it turns out the client has developed a workout routine. And I guess it doesn't work super well on their specific butt, hence the surgery, and they don't want that information to leak, because then they could lose everything. I.e. they could lose out on future earnings for potentially deceptive and faulty product.
Thank god they have a lawyer as compassionate as Elliot, who looks like they could be their twin. Elliot's unwillingness to betray the client's trust impresses Elliot's head lawyer.
The legal term is, I believe, top gavel, so much that she feels him up and proposition simpersects. In the original movie, this, of course, thrusts Ellen to a sea of self-doubt and humiliation, before ultimately rising from the ashes to become the legally blonde in which the prophecy foretold. With gender-swapped Elliot, that scene probably shakes out completely differently. If we're operating within the universe of 2001 Hollywood romantic comedies, then Elliot would have not only gone all the way with the woman hitting on him, but the situation as a whole probably would have been played for laughs. So yeah, then there's the big trial itself. Elphar successfully uses her skills to out a closeted gay man, because she realizes he knows a lot about shoes. Not necessarily a gender thing, but it still feels like a shitty thing. You bitch. Then she basically solves the entire case, because she knows a lot about hair purming.
I guess that's fine, but it's not necessarily indicative of her being a good lawyer, right? It'd be understood that that kind of knowledge was a one-off. It'd be the same if Elliot just knew a ton about the application of jock itch cream, rather than, say, an important loophole or an established legal precedent. Like, good for you, weirdo, but no law firm is hiring you because of your dick-rash knowledge and impeccable gaydar. Harvard won't be impressed that you aced history of polka dots. If anything, these are quality traits of a great detective or a private eye, not somebody involved in trial litigation. But hey, maybe the movie itself is even somewhat aware of that, as it ends with hot little boy Elliot dating an older woman who started her own law practice and still has Lord Farflott hair. Sure, Elliot graduated with honors and was elected speaker for the class, but does it not still feel a little bit like he's on a path towards becoming a trophy husband? Or is Elliot hoping to exclusively take on perm and or jock itch-related cases for sexy men that look identical to him moving forward? Again, maybe the moral of the story is, it doesn't matter if you're smart, as long as you're hot.
Rich, cis, white, and good with a camera. He's overcome so much.
And also, you can just decide to become smart one day if you want. So, about that, is it still a classic question? My answer is still yes. A thousand times yes.
But that doesn't mean Legally Blonde isn't still a little weird and we're thinking about more deeply. But that doesn't mean I haven't already bought my Elwood's cosplay for my first eight screenings of Legally Blonde 3 whenever that hits theaters.
So why should I come to Harvard?
Well, let's just say, I know what happened last week on The Mandalorian and I wiped my ass with silk. Some people call me the house dad of the frat. My frat bros tell me everything. And it's weighing on my spirit. They tell me some f**ked up s**t. Brad recently told me that he was on campus and he s**t, but you can't repeat that to anybody. That young man has got to come to our college.
No, no, bend and snap. Really stick out the butt cheeks. Dudes love butt cheeks.
I'm an ally. Is that stupid?
The nerds, hoping to become legal experts and hopefully reform this godforsaken country, he's out to prove that you don't only have to be smart, you can also be sexy and rich. Finally, someone has given us permission to be sexy and rich. Eventually, Elliot realizes no matter how sexy and rich and smart he becomes, he'll never be enough for his ex. So he decides to work even harder at lawyering, just to make her jealous. Literally, he builds an entire career out of wanting to spite a woman.
Later, our boy Elliot befriends an unlucky in love woman played by Jennifer Coolidge. This is no longer some gal pal trying to help her friend meet somebody who will love her for her. It's a guy explaining to a downhearted woman that dudes would like you better if you popped your ass out more. Oh my god, the bend and snap works every time. Even if it's a man helping a random older man get laid, I still don't love it. I'm a middle aged high school dropout that stretch marks in a fat ass. I realize that's basically the plot of Hitch and Crazy Stupid Love, but it's still a weird thing to help people do.
I don't want any strangers teaching me how to have and or track sex. I hate spoilers.
Fast forward towards the end of the movie when Elliot's success is dunking on women in the classroom, have landed him an exclusive internship. He quickly turns his compassion into a marketable skill by convincing their client to open up and give Elliot a rock solid alibi for the murder. Which Elliot refuses to share with the rest of the team because the client does not want to reveal what they were doing instead of murdering their wife. And what were they doing? Well, they were getting butt surgery to continue to look hot and rich and white and blonde and also to stay rich because it turns out the client has developed a workout routine and I guess it doesn't work super well on their specific butt, hence the surgery, and they don't want that information to leak because then they could lose everything, i.e. they could lose out on future earnings for potentially deceptive and faulty product. Thank God they have a lawyer as compassionate as Elliot, who looks like they could be their twin. Elliot's unwillingness to betray the client's trust impresses Elliot's head lawyer, the legal term is, I believe, top gavel, so much that she feels him up and propositions him for sex.
In the original movie, this, of course, thrusts Ellen to a sea of self-doubt and humiliation before ultimately rising from the ashes to become the legally blonde in which the prophecy foretold. With gender swapped Elliot, that scene probably shakes out completely differently. If we're operating within the universe of 2001 Hollywood romantic comedies, then Elliot would have not only gone all the way with the woman hitting on him, but the situation as a whole probably would have been played for laughs. So, yeah, then there's the big trial itself. Elfer successfully uses her skills to out a closeted gay man because she realizes he knows a lot about shoes. Not necessarily a gender thing, but it still feels like a shitty thing. You bitch! Then she basically solves the entire case because she knows a lot about hair purming.
I guess that's fine, but it's not necessarily indicative of her being a good lawyer, right? It'd be understood that that kind of knowledge was a one-off. It'd be the same if Elliot just knew a ton about the application of jock itch cream rather than, say, an important loophole or an established legal precedent. Like, good for you, weirdo, but no law firm is hiring you because of your dick rash knowledge and impeccable gaydar. Harvard won't be impressed that you aced history of polka dots. If anything, these are quality traits of a Greek detective or a private eye, not somebody involved in trial litigation.
But hey, maybe the movie itself is even somewhat aware of that, as it ends with hot little boy Elliot dating an older woman who started her own law practice and still has lord farflood hair. Sure, Elliot graduated with honors and was elected speaker for the class, but does it not still feel a little bit like he's on a path towards becoming a trophy husband? Or is Elliot hoping to exclusively take on perm and or jock itch related cases for sexy men that look identical to him moving forward? Again, maybe the moral of the story is, it doesn't matter if you're smart, as long as you're hot, rich, cis, white, and good with a camera. He's overcome so much.
And also, you can just decide to become smart one day if you want. So, about that, is it still a classic question? My answer is still yes, a thousand times yes. But that doesn't mean Legally Blonde isn't still a little weird and worth thinking about more deeply. But that doesn't mean I haven't already bought my Elwood's cosplay for my first eight screenings of Legally Blonde 3 whenever that hits theaters. So why should I come to Harvard?
Well, let's just say, I know what happened last week on the Mandalorian and I wiped my ass with silk. Some people call me the house dad of the frat. My frat bros tell me everything. And it's weighing on my spirit. They tell me some f**ked up s**t. Brad recently told me that he was on campus and he s**t. But you can't repeat that to anybody. That young man has got to come to our college.
No, no, bend and snap. Really stick out the butt cheeks. Dudes love butt cheeks.
I'm an ally. Is that stupid? Mmhmm. |
dropout | precious_plum_a_holy_man | My name is Plum, I'm six years old, and I'm a purely quiet mama driving me around the past. H-I-J-K-M-I-N-O-P She's my precious Plum. Today Plum's competing to be Ohio Ho at the third lane of a bowling alley after a triple kid's birthday party.
Of course, breakfast time! Come on, we're doing one for breakfast. We got cream cheese, that's it.
Mama, I was itchy. Well then, itch yourselves, problem done. And when I got on this spot... Oh my god! Now, when I saw Plum covering a bunch of itchy zits, I thought it was out of one or two fingers.
Either one, she got bitten by a bunch of spiders, like all at once, together like working as a team. Or two, she's going to be possessed by a demon. Now, I know this one's impossible, because spiders are not collaborators.
He's ever sparred for himself. So... Now, I don't know no exorcists, but I do know a man who yells at God. Jesus is coming! And he's a faggot! See, the fags are running heaven now! And God's just sitting there on his road, landing him in his big old pussy!
Hey! Hey, can you help get the devil out, my little girl? Hello? I think my little girl swallowed a gremlin or something, and she needs the help of a holy man like yourselves.
Baby, you know, that's just one of them spiritualistic questions that can never be answered. Mama, I'm still itching! I was not working! Hey, why'd you put some of my holy water on her?
Three hams and a bucket of fries. Thank you. Aw, looks like someone has the chicken paws! Oh... Is that what happens when you get bitten by a bunch of spiders all at once? So, as it turns out, chicken paws are just something everyone gets as kids, and it got nothing to do with God or nothing. Mama, why does God give kids chicken pots?
Well, it's like the man said. He's a faggot. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_stormy_daniels_says_trump_didn_t_wear_condom_rfk_jr_s_parasitic_brain_worm_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
This week in court, Stormy Daniels gave a detailed description of sex with Donald Trump, which was so disgusting, even the sky turned green. Stormy Daniels, seen here as drawn by the creator of Kathy, was accused by Trump's lawyers of lying about their affair for profit, which would make her the only person to do business with Trump and make money. It's also been implied that Stormy Daniels got into bed with Trump and let him do whatever he wanted just to advance her career. you know, like every Republican. Stormy Daniels testified that during their encounter, Donald Trump did not wear a condom. he tried to put one on, but he was blocked by his tie.
Stormy Daniels testified at Donald Trump's Hush Money trial and was asked to list some of the movies that she's worked on. After she finished, the judge banged the gavel and opened oral arguments for the names of the movies.
Oh, man, that was a good joke. breaks my heart, Colin. breaks my heart.
Before her testimony, Stormy Daniels agreed not to describe Trump's genitalia in court after she was offered hush money by the jury. But then Florida Senator Rick Scott appeared in court to support Trump, So in a way, we did get to see what Trump's penis would look like.
Israeli officials are reportedly furious after the U.s. withheld a shipment of weapons, But, yes, sometimes people get angry at their intervention.
All right, that was.
President Biden on Tuesday issued a call to fight hate against anti-semitism, saying there is no place for it in America, But, on the other hand, Colin's Country Club. it's a nice place. at a White House ceremony honoring the Wnba champion Las Vegas Aces, President Biden mistakenly called player Candace Parker, one of the greatest all-time coaches. worse, he thought this woman was their point guard. During a ceremony in Russia, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his fifth term as President by placing his hand on the Russian Constitution, which is just a label on a bottle of vodka. Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. who revealed this week that he had a parasitic brain worm posted on X, I offered to eat five more brain worms and still beat President Trump and President Biden in a debate, which is such an insane thing to probably be right about.
So, to weekend update, I'm Michael Che. I'm Karen Jones.
This week in court, Stormy Daniels gave a detailed description of sex with Donald Trump, which was so disgusting, even the sky turned green. Stormy Daniels, seen here as drawn by the creator of Kathy, was accused by Trump's lawyers of lying about their fair for profit, which would make her the only person to do business with Trump and make money. it's also been implied that Stormy Daniels got into bed with Trump and let him do whatever he wanted just to advance her career. you know, like every Republican. Stormy Daniels testified that during their encounter, Donald Trump did not wear a condom. he tried to put one on, but he was blocked by his tie.
Stormy Daniels testified at Donald Trump's Hush Money trial and was asked to list some of the movies that she's worked on. After she finished, the judge banged the gavel, and open oral arguments were the names of the movies.
Oh, man, that was a good joke. breaks my heart, Colin. breaks my heart.
Before her testimony, Stormy Daniels agreed not to describe Trump's genitalia in court after she was offered hush money by the jury. But then Florida Senator Rick Scott appeared in court to support Trump, So, in a way, we did get to see what Trump's penis would look like.
Israeli officials are reportedly furious after the U.s. withheld a shipment of weapons, But, yes, sometimes people get angry at their intervention.
All right.
President Biden on Tuesday issued a call to fight hate against anti-semitism, saying there is no place for it in America, But, on the other hand, Colin's Country Club. it's a nice place. At a White House ceremony honoring the Wnba champion Las Vegas Aces, President Biden mistakenly called player Candace Parker one of the greatest all-time coaches. worse, he thought this woman was their point guard. during a ceremony in Russia, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his fifth term as President by placing his hand on the Russian constitution, which is just the label on a bottle of vodka. Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. who revealed this week that he had a parasitic brainworm posted on X, I offered to eat five more brainworms and still beat President Trump and President Biden in a debate, which is such an insane thing to probably be right about. |
SaturdayNightLive | mountaintop_luvahs_saturday_night_live | Well, you said the room will be ready in about 15 minutes. great. that was a long drive, huh? Yeah. wow. hello. um, excuse me. I was wondering, is there room for two more lovers at Hearth's Edge? uh, I'm sorry? may we join you at Hearth's Edge? Oh, yeah, sure. I'm sorry. yeah, we're just waiting for my run, So. Excellent, Yeah. all right.
Ah, perhaps all for a day of skiing. Better than warm fire, a cup of mulled wine, and the heat projected from my lover's loin space. nature hath no harder furnace, eh, lover? So, um, the skiing was good? Oh, exquisite. Uh, Tammy, have you eaten at Bear Klar Lodge before? Uh, no. no, we haven't. this is our first time. Oh, my lover and I frequent Bear Klar Lodge during cold months. we find the four poster beds, downy pillows, and wide availability of adult cable channels absolutely perfect for winter lovemaking. Oh, and you mustn't miss the highlight of Bear Klar Lodge, the proprietor, William Mark Jasper's midnight Roast Goose fondue.
Oh, yes. we read that in the brochure on the way out. Yeah, we did. we read that in the brochure of Virginia.
William Mark. Oh. Oh. are you telling my new guests about the Midnight Feast? Indeed.
Oh, it's quite special. on Saturday midnight, we all gather here at Hearth Space and wait eagerly to dip hunks of goose meat into sputtering pots of hot oil. the bellies engorged guests trundle up to their respective rooms. they do. the goose farts shining off their faces, serving to lubricate hot lovers' kisses. when I see the savory juices run down my lover's chin and through his pasture of chest hair, my tongue anticipates the delicious mixture of chest hair, chin sweat, and goose juice. Do you think our room is red? I would think this one. any minute now. you'll be staying in the Red Maple Room. The Red Maple Room! What's so funny? we are in the White Birch Suite. I don't get it. you have the only two adjoining rooms in the Inn. Yeah. luckily, you shan't need for a wake-up call for Virginia. and I always engage in morning lovemaking, and I climax very loudly at exactly 7 a.m. each morning. Oh, wow. are there other inns in the area? Yeah. no. You know, I met Roger and Virginia on the slopes 20 years ago. Oh, is that our room key?
I was playing the banjo in one of the local taverns, and I must confess I was slightly tipsy, for I'd had more than my share of cointreau. Ah, sweet Cointreau. A young woman approached me, dressed in an Elven cloak, speaking in a British accent. I was into role-playing at the time. she asked me if I would play banjo for her in privacy. we came back to her room at this very inn. Yes, we did. and the flickerings of my fingers soon wandered from the curves of the banjo to the curves of Virginia's nubile body. his fingering was expert. all the while, I sat in a broke-down Subaru, dressed in a wizard's costume, waiting for a totruk to bring a new fan belt. when Roger finally arrived in his wizard's costume, he joined in with such gusto that the red maple room never smelled quite the same.
You know what, I think we're going to go. yeah, I saw Hojo's back about two hours. no, no, no! the weary lovers deserve to dip in our hot, soothing hot tub. Oh, okay. a hot tub does sound nice. Yes, that sounds great. we just climbed out of it ourselves. sorry about all the hair. Come here, lover. let me make love to you at heart's edge. Oh, you're the most adventurous lover, Roger. Yeah.
I'm on fire. No, I'm actually on fire, you stupid! get the hell off me, I'm on Fire! I'm on fire, I'm on Fire! |
ClickHole | people_tim_allen_ratted_on_after_he_got_busted_for_coke_talk_about_how_home_improvement_saved_them | Tim Allen gave my name to the feds in 1978. He did just over two years for drug trafficking. I did 30. Those first years locked up, I was in a dark place.
I wanted to hurt Tim the Rat Allen. Every day was a struggle to stay alive, to stay sane, all because Tim Allen ratted me out. But home improvement got me through it all. When I heard Tim Allen had a show on ABC, while I was riding behind bars, unable to see the birth of my own daughter, I was consumed by rage. I wanted Tim Allen dead. Then I watched Home Improvement. I understood Tim Allen had to rat us out.
He had to do it to become the tool man, and I thank God he did. If Tim Allen didn't create Home Improvement, I never would have survived Tim Allen sending me to maximum security prison. In federal prison, you have no control. You wake up, you hit the yard, and you sleep when you're told. Only after I understood the lessons of Home Improvement, such as the danger of constantly maiming yourself from haywire power tools, did I learn to accept the chaos of the universe. The day I got right with the tool man was the day life in the pen got a little bit easier. You spend a lot of time by yourself in prison. It's up to you how you use it. You can dwell on your hatred of Tim Dennis did it Allen, or you can move on like Al Borland did each time his clothes got sucked off by a snow blower on reverse. When the tool man bonked his nuts, it gave me a path to follow. Finally, it dawned on me that maybe Tim Allen created Home Improvement specifically to comfort and guide everyone who was locked up because he's wheeled. My husband knew how important it was to stay busy in prison, to have something to occupy all that time with.
The mystery of what Wilson looked like below his eyes gave Keith a purpose. Most neighbors, you can see their whole body. Wilson? Not so. Each day, Keith sent me beautiful sketches of what he thought the rest of Wilson's body might look like. I treasure them. Keith found lasting peace just from wondering about the rest of Wilson.
If my husband were alive, he'd forgive Tim Allen for everything, even for marrying me a week after his death. Home Improvement was the Wilson to my Tim Taylor, always there to offer sage advice to the tool man, aka me. When the tool man had let his wife down, aka solitary confinement. Tim the traitor Allen put me away, but Tim the tool man Taylor showed me the way.
One day, a guard tells me I have a special visitor. It's Tim. Hey FBI, Dennis sells drugs. Allen himself. Hell, he was shot. What was I going to say to him? Did he come to apologize, explain himself?
What he said, I'll never forget. He said, as someone who wouldn't have made it out of prison without Home Improvement, that was so special.
Of course, I forgive Tim Allen. I forgive Tim Allen. |
dropout | Science_Doesn_t_Make_Food_Taste_Better | All food starts as science. Delicious. I experienced the world through math, logic, and problem-solving. Morning, chef. Oh!
I don't know why, but I don't seem to relate to some of my colleagues. Lynn was raised by a wire monkey covered with cloth. She was part of an experiment at Quindleton University to see if compassion could help her. Quindleton University to see if compassionate parenting had an effect on adolescent behavior. Technically, we were never allowed to run an experiment like this. But before we got shut down, we discovered the answer.
Your hand feels very good. It does.
I'm told Blinn revolutionized the way we think of food. Blinn's food turns everything upside down. New and different are always good. You can't eat some of my food, even if you tried really hard. And that's because I'm not bound by the common expectations that the old guard is. She said, what if soup was hard? What if salad was loud? What if you got a bagel with cream cheese, but the cream cheese was the bagel, and the bagel was the cream cheese? I mean, she really mixed up the adjectives you'd use to describe food.
What you gotta understand is that no one was doing this at the time. It was the wild west out there. There were no rules. There was no script.
We were just flying by the seat of our pants. When she first started, some people scoffed at her for a shunning convention. They assumed that anything that was the size of an atom was not a meal. They were clamoring.
I'm still hungry! Why did I pay for this? Am I gonna die?
They were total amateurs at eating food. People didn't understand her. They were even up in arms when she debuted her signature pasta. And that dish was a revelation. It was so fresh, so delicate. She was young, but she already knew how to work with pasta. Her pasta rocked the culinary world. It put her on the map. She was the first to say, sure, we can eat pasta, but what if we eat around pasta?
She was using the negative space of food. I mean, anyone can eat food, but to eat not food? Now that was an idea. At first, people did find Blinn's food alienating. And it's all well and good to alienate your customers.
That's fine. Honestly, great.
But when she found out premiere food critic Mike Gublanix was stopping by, anyone would really need to straighten up for him. Mike Gublanix is the king of eating food, and a good review from him means everything to a chef.
I was feeling nervous about what to serve him, and I felt so uninspired. And when I feel uninspired, I return to my ingredients, which is what I call my gadgets. This is to harness the chewed-up feeling you get on the roof of your mouth after eating Captain Crunch into a cocktail. This curtails the aging process of milk. This I've only tested once.
But it can switch the properties of any human with an apple temporarily. For just an instant on the tongue, you could have the sensation of being an apple. I mean, isn't that cool? Being an apple has to be tasting one, right? Sure, yeah. She literally has the ability to swap the chemical makeup of something. So of course she thought this was going to impress Gublanix, the king of eating food. Pow!
I don't know why, but I knew I had to use that machine. I just had to. She was determined, and nothing was gonna stop her. But no one could have seen what happened next.
Excuse me, sir? Sir?
What happened to this guy? Did he have a stroke? Someone call an ambulance. Gublanix stroked his nose, Did he have a stroke? Someone call an ambulance. Gublanix swapped bodies with an apple.
Permanently. That's it for this episode preview. To watch the full episode, go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
Did they need to eat it? Did it taste good? How? Why? Who cares? Do you? Do I? Who's talking?
It was thrilling. Thrilling. The whole thing was fucked up. Was it food? Was it murder? |
dropout | 5_tips_for_people_who_don_t_understand_taxes | Hey guys, Grant here. It's tax season, and if you're not a money person, you might be a little intimidated about getting your return together. But don't be. Doing your taxes is easy. Here are five tips to help get you ready for May. April. No, May. The hardest part of tax prep is going through the information. So just skip that.
Guesstimate your business expenses. If you need help, write down $4,623. That sounds like a good amount to have spent on business. If you need to tell them you have a job, say you own a Denny's. Every tax expert will tell you to write off whatever you can.
And they're right. Go nuts.
If you're a waiter, write off your groceries as food research. If you're a carpenter, write off your movie tickets as education. There's wood in almost every movie. Don't be afraid to write off things like wine and porn. But if you write off your weed, make sure you ask your dealer for a receipt.
A lot of people are worried about inaccurate information on their taxes because they think they're going to be audited. But don't worry. You're not going to be audited.
Why? Because, come on, audited? You?
No. Not audited. Not you. No.
Audited?
If you need one, don't be afraid to file for an extension. It's just an admission of failure for the federal government as a matter of public record.
Plus, who wouldn't want to take more time with their taxes? It combines everyone's favorite things. Filling out legal paperwork, spending lots of money, and math. Take a whole extra year. Some high-wealth individuals may have the option of being paid in concentrated stock. This will make your earnings taxable as capital gains rather than income, which will drop your percentage liability considerably.
If you qualify for this, you're a part of the problem, motherfucker. And when the revolution comes, I'm starting with you.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can like, I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right. It feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | explore_life_at_the_party_sponsored | In all of nature there are few ecosystems as complex and varied as the one found in the common house party. Here various organisms meet and interact creating a chance to study and observe them in all their glory. Join us today as we explore life at the party. Unlike other environs such as a riverbank, forest or savannah, the party is not a permanent setting.
It exists only when the resources exist to support it. Luckily even a small herd can spawn a large party. In much the same way that a single ant will lead the colony to a newly discovered source of food, the first guest will send out invisible signals alerting others to the party's whereabouts.
In all of nature where there is sustenance you will find those looking to partake. In the party ecosystem the source of refreshments is the epicenter of all activity. It is where courtship rituals take place. Where hungry partygoers forage for sustenance.
And where we're likely to encounter two alpha males. Though they are in the same pack they must vie for dominance. It is a non-violent show of force meant to resolve the dispute peacefully. Unfortunately the host now feels she must protect her territory.
It is that most frequent site of the party environment, the party fowl. No, not that kind of party fowl. There, Alexander, the world famous party fowl. |
SaturdayNightLive | bank_robbery_snl | Well, congratulations, Ms. Hopley. your business count is officially open. Oh, thank you so much, Chelsea. Oh, this is so great. she's a business owner. Meanwhile, we're making check deposits like it's 1995. better safe than sorry, Hon. Last time we tried e-depositing, I accidentally posted my social security number on Zillow.
This is a Robbery! Everyone Try it! What are you gonna do to us? Yeah! Put your Hands up! Who? Come on! what are you gonna do to us? Slide your phones across The floor! Oh, My. God! Boo! Come on!
Oh, don't you Dare touch me! Do Not! Well, be quiet, and no one gets hurt, Okay? No one gets hurt?
Yeah, right. I've seen enough movies to know what happens to a chick like me. take me to the vault and get it over with, you nasty boy! What? ladies, shut up! what am I supposed to do? Just watch? watch What? Can you watch, helpless, as you have your way with my supple wife? Oh, this is so messed up. And who's gonna film it? him? film it? God, I'm so mad. I can't see straight right now. Shut up! No one's filming anything!
Hey, who here is the bank manager? I am. I'm the manager. all right, glasses, all right. what we're gonna do is we're gonna go to the vault and you're gonna be putting in the combination.
Got it? I got it.
And you better not trip the distress alarm. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus Christ! she's so. touch him! Touch me! he probably has some family and I'm just some chick. hey, move, lady. why are your hands tied up? We tied ourselves. because we didn't want to give you sickos the satisfaction. Oh, god, I can picture it now. you probably are gonna take my chick into the back and layer on a bed of quarters and make a smut film in the vault. You make me sick. what's the name of the film?
Robin Robin Or Stick Up at Robins. Yeah, her name's Robin, Okay? Robin.
Okay, both of you, Shut Up! No One is going to or even wants to do anything with your wife. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I get it. so you're gonna have your way with me instead? Look, you know this. if you try any funny business, I will just scream And I will scream like this. Eeee! that's your scream?
And isn't it your lucky day? We just opened up our marriage. and we were both pretty nervous about opening things up, so we made a lot of rules. And every single one of the rules allows me to be with men. y'all are nasty. can you just shut up so they can rob us in peace? Guys, what's taking so long? we've been out of the van for 10 minutes. Oh, look at that. a barely legal Latino. that's cool, right? a barely legal latino is mucho cool. Okay, I'm not barely legal. I'm 31.
Ew. What's happening right now? this weird couple is trying to hook up with us. Yeah, and this pervert wants to film it. I do not want to film it. that was their suggestion.
Well, there's another bank on the east side. should we just go there? No, you idiot. we're already here, Okay? you need to man up, Okay? And then let's finish what we started here, All right? Okay, all right. remember us? sickos.
Why are you handcuffed and in your underwear? Because I've seen enough movies to know what's coming next for a chick like me. But know this. I do Pilates, Okay? it's gonna hurt way more than it's gonna hurt me.
Oh, my God. Yeah! Oh, the cops! hey, go, go, go. Stop it. Stop. Oh, the poison blew! I hope those beefy pigs don't try to join in. yeah, but if they do, he's gonna film it. Keep me out of it! |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_eliza_skinner | Please, welcome Miss Eliza Skinner. Hello, what's mom doing here? She brought cookies.
Ouija board! It's very spooky. Poopy. Miss, are you going to talk to Grandma on the Ouija board? I bet she's got a lot to say, huh? Has she just died? Maybe I'll talk on the Ouija board, huh? I'm on the Ouija board. You know Red Allison? And she's your mom. And then she's not anymore. Spooky. A Pills Tonight girl. The Ouija board?
Want to watch a movie? Dirty Dancing. I like that movie.
That might be too grown up for you guys, though. You know what it's really about? Or all sex. It's when a man, I guess it could be a woman, uses his mouth, his face, really. Lisa! What?
They asked me!
Allison's mom shot herself through the mouth. Can you tell us? I am an orphan. Pooky.
Look like Truth or Dare, huh? Truth or Dare?
Lisa should go first, right? Lisa? Lisa, how do you pick me? Pick Truth. When I dive, are you still trying to talk to me? That is how you play. I pick Truth and I get to ask and think.
Lisa, don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. I'm trying to fix your party, miss. Don't be a bitch on your birthday.
Come on. Do you guys want to practice kissing? I know how to do it with tongues. Or we can just lie down on the floor under blankets so we can kind of hold each other.
Lisa, no, where are you going? Lisa! Come back here. No, don't go upstairs. Lisa, don't go upstairs. Don't leave me. Lisa, don't go.
I'm sorry, girls. I think Lisa's still just real upset about her grandma. You guys want to make out? |
dropout | dorm_bathroom | Okay, first shower of college and I have come prepared. Shampoo, conditioner, loofah, loofah on a string, loofah on a stick, good to go.
Oh my god. Oh!
Towel, towel, towel, towel, towel. I need a towel.
Balls are showing faces straight. Thanks, bro. Sorry. Take a pee first. I was trying to call you back, but my phone didn't get serviced. I was out with my friends. I was studying. F you too, bro.
No. No, my aim's not that good. I can hold it.
I know, it's hard. Believe me, we're just both so busy and it's midterms right now, so I've been having to spend a lot of time studying with my tutor. Oh, rough night. I don't know what to tell you. I need to do well in school, Kevin.
You can't text me every five seconds. Hey, isn't that of yours, girlfriend? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's candid. Thanks again. Whoa, I saw nothing. Geez, how self-conscious can you be? Ugh. I don't know what to tell you. I need to do well in school, Kevin. You can't text me every five seconds. Isn't that of yours, girlfriend? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's candid. Thanks again. Whoa, I saw nothing. Geez, how self-conscious can you be? Ugh. Whoa. That would answer that question.
Excuse me. Let me just get in here and get this over with. Take it easy, you two.
Man, if everyone else is wearing flip-flops, do I really need to wear them? I mean, how bad could it be? Yeah.
Oh!
Is that alive? Okay, moving on. Let's just get this crank in.
Oh! Ice shower, ice shower. Just turn it a little bit. Oh!
Fire shower, fire shower. How's this even possible? Can't steal a shower. Use that soap to get me clean. Come on, will you just let us shower in peace, man?
I'm so awesome. Really? Take in the shower. Use that soap to get real clean, because I'm so awesome. What? It's great acoustics in here. Oh. Take in the shower. Use that soap to get real clean, because I'm so awesome.
Got to get out of here. But first, a quick pee. I mean, it's all the same drain, right? Someone's taking a piss in the shower. Whoa. Most dude, that is pungent.
I don't even want to have sex anymore.
That's disgusting. Crap, crap, crappers.
Hey. Just taking back what's mine, bro. Okay, don't panic.
I'm so awesome.
Got to get out of here. But first, a quick pee. I mean, it's all the same drain, right? Someone's taking a piss in the shower. Most dude, that is pungent.
I don't even want to have sex anymore. Fuck. Just find something to cover yourself with.
Oh, boy. Oh. |
SaturdayNightLive | triumph_performers_saturday_night_live | Hi, and welcome to Triumph Performers. I'm Cindy Tracy. my guests today are three very special entertainers who each in their own way, have triumphed over obstacles to continue what's in their life's blood, show business. my first guest is Frank Fisher, and he's a mime, a mime that has had to overcome a very special hurdle. care to tell us about it, Frank? Well, Cindy, I'm paralyzed from the neck down, but it doesn't stop me from saying the show must go on. tell us what happened, Frank.
Well, you know that song bad, Bad, Leroy Brown? You know where it says you don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask off the old lone ranger? Well, it could have also said you don't get drunk and break into the zoo looking for rough sex.
So here I am. gracious. Well, Frank's performing name is Top Hat, named, of course, for his trademark silk top hat that's always perched at a rakish angle atop his head. Top Hat will perform three pantomimes for us today. So here's Top Hat's rendition of Waking Up. Stunning. And now Top Hat performs, hey, you, come here. Finally, Top Hat does, wow, it's a windy day. I've got something in my eye. thank you. that was great. come back any time, Top Hat.
I'd love to. Ok, next up is Mike Armstrong. Mike, tell us a little bit about yourself.
Thank you, Cindy. several years ago, I cut across a golf course that was a terrible thunderstorm. I was wearing a necklace with a large Italian horn. and a Port of Lightning came down and struck me in the neck.
Oh my. so I understand you brought a friend. Yes, yes, he's right here. say hello to the man's people, Pocky. hey, this is him on my back. Now, Mikey, take it easy. I'm a little stinky. Oh, yeah, right. I think I can. Come, Mike. thank you, everyone. Wow, you've got to live with that little rascal. Thank you, Mike, and thank you, Bucky. hey, if I could still have a beautiful party, would you hold it against me? Bucky's feisty. our final guest today is Mel Rapp, a very talented performer who had a little mishap with fire. Well, I'll let him tell us about it. Welcome, Mel. Well, thank you, Cindy.
Yes, I had quite a mishap. You know those Gen Air rotating convection ovens with that 1,500 watt variable heat cooktop? you know, the Model 2000 with the six Butyl jets? Oh, yes? Well, I fell asleep on one. Wow.
Now, you're an impressionist, is that right? that's right. and I'd like to do one for you now. And if you don't let my face distract you, I think you'll be able to recognize him. This is very exciting, actually even more exciting. You know about this? is it true? You know, Sears, You know, Sears with the lawnmower and the chainsaw and that whole thing. apparently, Sears is going to start selling Mcdonald's hamburgers. you know about this? Oh, oh, oh, I can see it now.
Gee, I'll take a quarter pound of fries. And why don't you throw in a pair of underwear to hold my Mcnuggets? Accurate and wasn't hard getting past the burn scars at all.
Well, that's our show. next week, our special guest will be Kitty Forrester. she's a ballet dancer with tourette syndrome. I'd like to thank my guests. And as always, our hats are off to these performers who've triumphed over adversity. see you next time. |
dropout | hipsters_haunted_by_spanish_speaking_ghost | Thank you. I can't believe you found us such a great apartment in Bed-Stuy. Gentrification is the new black. Cheers. Oh my God. A ghost.
Salgan. Salgan de la Casa. Wait, what is he saying? What is that part right there? I don't know. So? Salgan. Salgan de la Casa. Wait, what is he saying? What is that part right there? I don't know. So? Salgan. Salgan de la Casa. Something, something.
House. House Casa.
I'm sorry sir. I took one semester of Spanish. No hablo espanol. Is it habla? Un serio.
Salgan.
De la Casa.
Walk under an artisan umbrella. Eat only farm to table. Delicious.
Salgan.
Oh, leave. He wants us to leave the house.
Or what buddy? My father, Charles Sr, paid a hefty deposit for this place. See boys.
He's gonna push us. He's gonna push us? Does that look like push?
No, what about you? You're gonna shoot an arrow into us. Shoot an arrow? Is that what it is?
No, oh, shave Felix's chest for Valentine's Day. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I told you I only trim my beard. Well then maybe I'll just stop shaving too. Oh, gross.
Move to Park Slope, why don't you eat a lesbian? Lesbians are great people. I didn't say that they were. I know, I'm just saying Park Slope is a nice neighborhood.
Hola.
Oh, it's very bad.
Ah, you're fantastic, man. Yes, I have a lot of friends from my family.
Really? Can we just wrap up this fiesta please, Panito? Yes, he says he wants to rip the heart out of you and he wants to crush the head like nanches. Oh my God! Wait, what are nanches? Our nanches are a small Mexican olive. Yum! Ooh! Let's get some of those for our soap making party on Thursday. Okay, ghost, ghost, it's been fun, all right, but this is our neighborhood now, so adios. And a chupa macbae again. Oh, you know, dinner alive.
You're in America, learn the language. English. That's what we speak here, yeah.
Thank you, Maria. And could you take a peek around to see if, you know, there's a corpse anywhere because I don't want it stinking up this place with a Mexican sting. Yes, yes, Mr. Harris. Great, thank you. Thanks, Maria. Gracias. Where were we? Oh, Maria, you know what, I found it. |
dropout | your_desk_the_hottest_new_lunch_spot | There's a new lunch spot in town where you can always find a seat, and the selection is endless. It's called your desk, and we've just expanded our menu. Come in now and try our lip salad eaten while gazing vacantly at a HuffPo article, or our new vending machine pastry hastily scarfed in the middle of a conference call. Wake up your taste buds with a random collection of snacks from the break room, or check out our Mayo Covered keyboard, part of our all-new Mayo Covered menu, free with any sandwich. Eat in an atmosphere that says, I'm afraid I'll get fired if I take a break. And you can count on a meal at your desk to be fast, because you'll feel weirdly self-conscious about eating in front of everyone. When you eat at your desk, you're not just some nameless customer, you're some nameless employee. Your desk! Now open for dinner.
Yeah, probably just another hour, and then I swear I'm coming home. I'm sorry. I love you. Martha? Hello, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. To subscribe to the channel, click right here. And to watch more videos, click here. And click here if you think that the Queen of England should still be the Queen of America. |
dropout | the_problem_with_brogrammers | I finally figured out that code. Now, let's stop fooling around. Whizzle wants us to program this robot, so it makes our world a better place. Our robot needs to be a game changer. Totally agree. We're actually working on a code where the robot is able to detect lead levels in the water. It could be really big. I got it. We can program her so that she makes our favorite snacks and brings them to us.
What is it, your mom? No. OK, well, take that.
Our program actually directs the robot to self-drive to large bodies of water. Ooh, driving, yeah. How about she drives me to work because I'm so sleepy in the morning? Oh, yes. I love taking nappy naps on the way to work. You're literally programming this robot to be your mom.
I mean, you keep calling it her. Yeah, like how you call old ships in cool cars, she. Well, that's not OK either.
Plus, I was imagining she would smell like vanilla candles. Why, because your mom has vanilla candles? Your mom has vanilla candles.
She doesn't. OK, let's just try to insert our drive into its port. You gave the robot boobs? Yeah, so you feel safe when you hug her. They're not even that great. You know, you should check out what we programed so far. Help her, please not.
You said it right and left them nothing. What? No video games.
Mom, I command you to stop. Find the office switch. We've got to turn her off. They wanted another mom.
Whoa. There's a robot hand that's in his mouth.
We can fix her.
I got it. I think I got it.
I'm sorry. Should we debug it? Mom, I'm a grown man. No. Give her a hug. |
dropout | obsessive_boyfriends_are_so_romantic | What happened?
Dylan just sent me the cutest text. He always wants to know where I'm at and what I'm doing and who I'm with. He's very protective. He must love you so much. Yeah, he never says it, but he always shows it. Well ladies, I hate to brag, but my boyfriend Chaz is so into me. He's always telling me what to wear and what to say in order for him to still like me.
I really like the Danny and Sandy of this generation, okay? Oh! Oh, please lighten. Thank you. How's that? Oh my god.
Here we are talking about our perfect lives in Grease Lightning and Katie's going through a breakup. No, don't worry about me. But Katie, you don't have a boyfriend. I mean, what could be sadder?
Well, even though I broke up with J.C., he's still a really important part of my life. In fact, he's been watching me this entire time.
Oh my god. What? So romantic. It's like I'm watching all the Twilight movies at once. So, how many dates do you guys go on? Surprisingly, only four. Wow. You know, it is the little things that really count. Like how Dylan needs to know all of the passwords to all of my accounts. That's sick. Sexy sick. Yeah. Who's Dadina? Oh!
That's just my dad. I had to change all the male names in my phone to female names. Been there. Done that.
Bought the teaser.
I mean, who says romance is dead? Chas won't even let me talk to his friends. Yes, Dylan's the same. Oh, is he jealous too? Nah, he thinks I'm stupid and doesn't want me embarrassing him.
You are. I know! Hey, J.C. is going through your personal property. Oh my god. Who the fuck is this? That is real love. I know. It is. Ladies. Yeah.
Love is work. Love takes time. Love is frightening. Love keeps you on edge and makes you need anxiety meds. Love keeps you awake at night.
I haven't slept on so long. Unbelievable. Hard pivot, but Chas and I have been having the most wild sex. He demands sex for me twice a day unless I'm on my period and he never goes down on me. Are you for real? Dylan never goes down on me.
What? Yes!
Good job.
Should I get back together with J.C.? He's been trying all these really romantic gestures to manipulate me into getting back together with him.
Like what? I don't know, like costumes and funny accents. Hey!
I'm always watching. Oh my god, he's trying to win you back just like in Mrs. Doubtfire. I don't know what that is. Oh my god, I almost forgot.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Would you ladies mind if I took a photo of you two together? Dylan likes to have a photo to know who I'm with to make sure it's not a man.
You got back to me already. Oh my god, I cannot believe he talks to you like that. It's so passionate.
Yes, yes! I can't even tell you my secret for solving one of these. Just take this. Hey-o! Genius! Alright! Who's the smarty pants now? |
cracked | why_donald_trump_is_the_new_bad_guy_from_back_to_the_future | The year is 2016. Marty McFly, husband, father, famous rock musician, wakes up and turns on the television. That's odd, he thinks, but he doesn't think what the odd thing is, so I'll just tell you. On the news, he sees his old nemesis Biff Tannen running for President of the United States successfully. God bless America. Terrifyingly successfully. This is not the world Marty thought he knew.
If any of this sounds familiar... Something very familiar about all this. That's because it's the plot of the new Back to the Future sequel, in which we are all currently living. Biff Tannen was, after all, based on Donald Trump, aside from it being just so very obvious. The writer Bob Gale has confirmed this on the internet.
And here we are. Biff is running for President. We have hoverboards that have wheels that touch the ground. This is very different from the world Marty had seen when he originally traveled to the future on October 21st, 2015. Back to the Future Day. Speaking of that day... I believe we're out of time. The time necessary to mount a winning campaign. That's right. October 21st, 2015, a Back to the Futuristically Significant Day, is when Joe Biden announced that he would not be running for President. And now here we are.
Biff's winning. 68% would not leave under any circumstances.
Encouraging violence. I would bomb the shit out of him. Knock the crap out of him, would you? Generally being the big bully that Biff is. Throw him out into the cold.
Let's go. Come on. Go ahead, kid. Jump.
You weren't called. Sit down. Where'd my dog? Leg poisoning. No coats.
And Doc and Marty are blowing it. Come on, guys. What's it gonna take? Are you... Making a whole new trilogy? Get it together. I mean, at least Doc's holding down the fort in the present. Our kids and our grandchildren, they're gonna be asking us... What were you guys thinking about? What were you doing? Marty, you've gotta come back with me. But Marty, where the fuck are you? When are you?
You need to get back to October 21st, 2015 and undo whatever you did so that Joe Biden instead announces that he's invented an actual hoverboard. Like, one that doesn't have wheels to touch the ground?
Then, you know, Act 3, Doc saves Marty. Marty goes to the 90s to invent Kanye.
Hillary wins. Roll credits. It's a fine movie.
I mean, obviously, this is just some, like, bullshit waste of time fan theory bullshit. But I don't know. Like, a lot of stuff lined up. Biff is Trumpy and, like, that Biden thing? That's a weird coincidence, right? I thought, I don't know. Like, you know, like, your mind wanders this, like, little idea and you start to make all these connections, but then, like, who do you tell in that situation? Like, it's merely kind of interesting. You know, we'll put Trump in the title. I figured I'd... I don't know.
Nobody. You tell nobody.
That's right. Or you can do a sketch where, like, you get the original BTTF cast and you do, like, a parody trailer where Biff mirrors Trump's campaign and, like, the stuff I said. All that. All that stuff.
Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Leah Thompson, Elizabeth Shue, go make a sketch about that with Funny or Die, I guess. They could probably get you. Get Hillary to play herself.
Could we do... We can't. Amazing. We have until April 21st. Do it now. Thank you.
USA!
Come on. Go ahead, kid. Jump.
You weren't called. Sit down. Where's my dog? Lead poisoning. No coats.
And Doc and Marty are blowing it. Come on, guys. What's it gonna take? Are you making a whole new trilogy? Get it together. I mean, at least Doc's holding down the fort in the present. Our kids and our grandchildren, they're gonna be asking us...
What were you guys thinking about? What were you doing? Marty, you've gotta come back with me! But Marty, where the f*** are you? When are you?
You need to get back to October 21st, 2015 and undo whatever you did so that Joe Biden instead announces that he's invented an actual hoverboard. Like, one that doesn't have wheels to touch the ground?
Then, you know, Act 3, Doc saves Marty. Marty goes to the 90s to invent Kanye.
Hillary wins. Roll credits. It's a fine movie.
I mean, obviously, this is just some, like, bullsh** waste of time fan theory bullsh**. But, I don't know, like, a lot of stuff lined up. Biff is Trumpy and, like, that Biden thing? That's a weird coincidence, right? I thought, I don't know. Like, you know, like, your mind wanders this, like, little idea and you start to make all these connections. But then, like, who do you tell in that situation? Like, it's merely kind of interesting. You know, we'll put Trump in the title. I figured I'd... I don't know.
Nobody. You tell nobody.
That's right. Or you can do a sketch where, like, you get the original BTTF cast and you do, like, a parody trailer where Biff mirrors Trump's campaign and, like, the stuff I said. All that. All that stuff. Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Leah Thompson, Elizabeth Shue, go make a sketch about that with Funny or Die, I guess.
They could probably get you. Get Hillary to play herself. Could we do... We can't. ...on your website and online video channel, which you are watching right now. So if you could go to the links in the description and vote for us both times, that would be amazing. We have until April 21st. Do it now. Thank you. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_perfect_crime_goes_perfectly_wrong | Very sorry about that. Probably not.
Make just enough for your mortgage next month. Okay, alright. Well, thank you for choosing us as your preferred bank. Have a nice day.
Oh my god, take whatever you want! Just please don't kill me! Oh my god!
The robber! We're gonna die! Guys, guys, guys!
I'm not robbing the place, okay? I'm going on a ski trip, and I just need a loan for some skis. Oh, we'd be happy to help you, sir. Oh, you just wanted a loan for some skis.
That's why he's wearing the mask, because he's going skiing. I'm going on a ski trip!
I'm not a robber!
I need a loan!
He's just getting skis. He hasn't done any- Everyone get on the fucking rail!
This is a robbery! It's real! And you all need to die!
I just need a loan for some skis. I'm going on a ski trip.
We don't accept these.
Oh my god! |
TheOnion | Republicans_Stalling_Obama_s_Agenda_By_Speaking_Moving_In_Slow_Motion | Are Republicans deliberately trying to obstruct government business to hurt Obama's reelection chances? In Washington, Democrats charged Republicans with trying to do just that through their recent tactic of speaking and moving in slow motion. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, however, denied the accusations this afternoon in a 95-word statement that took him more than three hours to read, followed by a question-and-answer session that went on for another five hours, until reporters became frustrated and left. Beltway insiders began to notice that Republican members of the House and Senate were slowing things down last week during Representative John Haller's argument against Obama's proposed tax increase. This bill will kill jobs. Democrats maintain that this is, quote, just the latest ploy by Republicans to derail the president's agenda at America's expense, pointing to previous methods, such as going limp during committee hearings. Republicans counter by saying they're just taking their time with the esteemed business of government. They also accuse the Democrats of hypocrisy, pointing to the fact that during the Bush administration, Democrats insisted all bills be read aloud in both English and Latin.
How do you say this one? And used laser pointers to distract committee chairmen. Stop that. Stop it. Those things make him blind if he gets shot in the eye. Vice President Biden has urged his congressional colleagues to counteract Republican stall tactics by doing a bunch of speed because he thinks he knows a guy who can get some. |
cracked | why_you_won_t_actually_move_to_canada_even_if_trump_wins | Hello, Americans. It's us, Canadians. We heard a lot of you are mad about your presidential election. So mad you're threatening to move to Canada.
Don't. Don't move to Canada. It's way harder than you think. It won't solve your problems. And deep down, you don't really want to.
Or deserve to, eh? Opposing Donald Trump or hating Hillary Clinton doesn't really make you a political refugee. It makes you a Twitter user. And we have enough of those already.
And even if you were a refugee, we barely take refugees in. Canada is still America's beret, but it's no longer a liberal paradise. Our version of Donald Trump was Prime Minister for the last decade. He avoided taking in Syrian refugees, made starting to do it the new guy's problem, and he gave preferential treatment to Christian refugees over Muslim ones. He's basically an American. You made the immigration system tougher than January in Saskatchewan. Now we pretty much only take migrants with Canadian job offers.
Or through Canada's Immigrant Investor Program, which requires applicants to have a net worth of three million loonies. We will make you call dollars loonies. Have your angry Facebook posts about politics made you a millionaire? Or the goalie for the Vancouver Canucks? If not, your next best option is marrying a Canadian. And we marry other Canadians.
Even if you trick a Canadian into matrimony, you're still facing mountains of paperwork, fees, and legal costs just to get our version of a green card. And Canadian citizenship requires passing a citizenship test, which requires learning about Canadian history. The most boring history there is. Remember, moving any place is an expensive kerfop. Especially if you're moving to Canada from a faraway state. You know, a state with nice weather that you'll miss. And here's the biggest surprise of all. If you're sick of America being so... fill-in-the-blank, don't move to Canada.
Because at this point, we're basically Americans. We are Americans. We have our own version of Texas. Our own systemic violence against women and minorities. Our new chief executive.
Who could turn out to be terrible? We're a real country with real problems doing the best we can. And we're staying put. Instead of being a hoser and fleeing to another country and treating it like your personal the purge bunker. Because 61% of Americans don't even have an active passport. You've got no intention of spending a hot weekend up in the 6th. Let alone live here forever. You didn't leave America when Bush or Obama got elected? And if you really couldn't stand your next potential president...
You get off social media and do something about it. And do something about it. Do something about it. Seriously, do something about it.
A Niagara false Trump wall would look like... Now. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_hannibal_buress | Please give it up for Hannibal Burks! Got interns at my job, it's pretty cool, you just tell them to do stuff. It ain't doing. You gotta be nice to them. I had this cat fax something, man, fax that for me. I had him another pay a day, fax something for yourself. I'm a good guy.
People always think I'm high, though, all the time. And I'm, you high? Are you high? You seem high. No, I'm not high. I'm just way cooler than you.
More relaxed. I stopped smoking weed a couple years ago after I went to Amsterdam, but we were so good I got so high one day I could speak Dutch. A little one went Dutch, I got so high one day I helped. So too did the third grade geography class. Completely in Dutch, you know what? They were good kids, and they were eager to learn. It was a very fulfilling experience.
So I was walking around Amsterdam, had a few extra euros in my pocket, so I just bought a white baby. This place had a sale on white babies, I couldn't pass that up. It's a new status symbol for me and my friends. We buy white babies, and then we have a party, and we dress them up in football and rock and roll. It sounds like, you see the jeans on my white baby? White babies, way more stylish than yours.
I'm a big brat fan. I like brat videos, but some of them are weird.
They have to be continued, but they never have the second video. I'm like, where's the second video?
So much suspense I need to know. I ain't going to put more champagne on these bitches or somebody going to bring a towel out. What's happening?
I saw a little one get interviewed by Katie Couric. She was very interviewed. She asked a little man, if you can ask George Bush any questions about Hurricane Katrina, what would you say?
He was like, Miss Katie. He was saying Miss Katie the whole interview. I was like, why are you talking like that? From the 1920s, you don't have to speak to white women like that. He said, Miss Katie, I'm a gangster, and gangsters don't ask questions.
What? Gangsters do ask questions. I'm not asking questions. I'm asking questions. It's a huge problem being a gangster, and you don't have to do it. Hey, motherfucker, where's my money? You want to die tonight? That's a question, too. What? That's two questions. I always ask questions.
There's not a lot of gangsters in my neighborhood. There's a lot of cats that have handlebar moustaches. It's as cool as you want to have a handlebar mustache, but don't try to have a conversation with me like you don't have a handlebar mustache. They're trying to talk about regular stuff. If you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to eat is slinkies and kazoos. You talk about kazoos for 15 minutes, you're going to hop on your unicycle and juggle. You carnival-faced motherfucker. |
TheOnion | Laid_Off_Man_Finally_Achieves_Perfect_Work_Life_Balance | Shortly after being fired from his coding position at a downsizing tech firm, 34-year-old Irvine native Sam Morrison told reporters Monday that he believed he had finally achieved the sort of work-life balance for which he has long strived. Yeah, ever since I got fired, it just seems like my whole entire routine is just clicking. I go for jogs in the afternoon, spend nights with my wife and kid. I'm even cooking more. Everything just feels right. Morrison, who since his termination has found time to pick up reading again, eat a healthy diet and sleep more than five hours a night, noted that his unemployment has allowed him to find a level of harmony in his personal life that he never before thought possible. For a while there, I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life constantly worrying about getting to the office on time and pleasing my boss. Outside of the late payments on the house, the mounting credit card debt, the rapidly depleting savings, my life is essentially stress-free. I honestly couldn't be happier. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
cracked | jon_stewart_tells_anti_woke_comedians_to_shut_the_f_up | John Stewart is one of the best to ever do it for so many reasons, but this week the reason is he told off anti-woke comedians in a big way. Who the fuck do you think you are? This weekend at the Netflix as a Joke Festival, he fired at a number of targets. According to The Hollywood Reporter, he addressed Biden's age, the state of politics, and anti-woke culture as a whole. Specifically, he said he's so fucking sick of those comics and their go woke, go broke mantra.
I'll quote him. What are you losing? You can't say anything anymore. What do you want to say?
Shut the fuck up. And by the way, the people who talk about anti-woke are the biggest fucking p***ies you would ever find. In particular, Stewart lit up conservative comics who had an issue with Bud Light's controversial partnership with trans influencer Dylan Mulaney. He said, I'm just so tired of it. The woke shit.
You lose nothing. I'm a comedian. I've lost two words in 35 years. Honestly, are you that fucking unimaginative that you can't figure it out? |
SaturdayNightLive | inventing_chloe_snl | I'm a boss. I'm. Anna Delvi gets whatever she wants. your money is coming. why couldn't you just listen? Hey, Andrew, where'd you get that sandwich? Oh, they just sat in the writer's room. Oh, great. I'm starving. Oh, this was actually the last one. Oh. okay. Andrew, wait. that's actually my sandwich. Yeah? What is that voice? my sandwich is in your mouth. gives me my sandwich. Okay. yeah. sorry. I didn't know. this food is, like, basic, you know. chips are broke ass. we need something more exclusive. more the Ip. like, Nobu. run it on my card. this is a Metro card. run it again. Hey, little boy.
Lauren says that's my couch now. Lauren said that? because I brought this from my home. I assure you, his text is on the way. he's in the Hamptons right now. proception is very bad. very Vip. that does sound like Lauren. fellow Americans. Lauren says I'll do better now. He didn't say anything to me. text is on the way. give me your tea. Lauren says I host update now.
All right. bet. I still didn't get a card. you're being so dramatic. the wild transfers are on the way. cool. oysters. what are you wearing? you look par. I look what now? par. par. Pier. poor? par, yeah. I look poor, Oh.
I loved it in Doom, by the way. Thanks. say hi to Tiffany Shalame. From now on, my costumes are Scalia, Carolina Harrara, and Ocala-lance. Hey, Chloe.
Any update on that wire transfer? I'm in really deep. I do not have time for this. I do not have time for you. I'm a masterpiece, bitches.
Okay, but I can pay. I can pay. Lord Michael, he challenges me. I can pay.
I'm sorry.
Chloe, there you go. I can pay. Chloe, I can't help but notice. you've been delving everyone today. I can pay. it's Chloe, you don't have to do this. the hair, the glasses, the Russian accent. it's also German. we need all that. you just gotta be confident, you know? because the real Delvy is inside of you and has been all along. You're right. I'm sorry. it's okay.
I'm just glad I stopped this before anyone got hurt and there were any real consequences. Well, I guess I won't be needing these anymore. Yeah. bye, Kate. bye. Because there can only be one Delvy around here. vary the Ip. |
dropout | god_s_boss_craig_sponsorship | I can't tell you how happy heaven is to have Morning Munchies come up here and sponsor a miracle. Of course. An act of God seemed like the perfect way to introduce our new fruity cutie patootie breakfast smoothie. I'll let our executive deity take it from here. Take it, G-man. Thank you, Craig. Well, there have been a lot of hungry homeless in the Bronx lately, so for this miracle, what if we took one Morning Munchies breakfast and multiplied it- Let me stop you right there. This smoothie is designed to appeal to a young, upwardly mobile demographic. This miracle sounds like it targets a lower-income quadrant, and we already market to them with our jam juice and crunk cakes. It was my idea to make the rims waffles.
Wow. That is just... wow.
Oh, Brain Squirt, remember when you guys did that water into wine coolers thing? Alcohol sounds risky. Our brand persona is health-conscious, fully family-aware, and only mildly experimental in bed. But what if we turn water into smoothies?
Genius! I love it! I want to take that idea as pants off! I'm hard! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What? Water. Well, you're the artist, and we don't want to meddle with your vision, but just to think big, because I know we all want big. Our brand persona is very ambitious, probably because of its poor relationship with its father. What about, you know, all of it? You want to turn all the water on planet Earth into a high sugar fruit shake? Actually, high organic cane juice fruit substitute shake. What? FDA actually just nixed shake. It's now a mid-grade tractor fuel replacement. I really don't think we... What God means is, if we pursue this creative, we have to ask for a bigger media buy. Our brand persona has very deep pockets right now.
Well, 99% of sea life is dead. Sea cucumbers are really thriving for some reason. Sea ice is up 6 million percent, and life as we know it should be over in about 6 weeks.
Happy? Are you kidding?
Brand awareness has never been higher. Our smoothies on every news channel. We are this close to getting Fruitpocalypse trending on Twitter.
Hi Lev? Lev?
Yup, another dehydration death. In fact, the board is so impressed. They want to have you manage our entire brand.
Now what if instead of hands, everybody in the world had bacon biters? A bite of bacon is always at hand.
I don't know, just something we're workshopping. What do you guys think? If you're not watching this on CollegeHumor.com, and you're missing out on the funniest videos, pictures, and articles since the invention of the internet in 1994. |
dropout | the_boy_who_cried_literally | There once was a boy who used the word literally incorrectly. Guys, guys, guys, get in here, you gotta see this, I'm literally crying. You're not crying, so? But you said you were literally crying. I just meant I was laughing. So don't use the word literally then. But this is literally the funniest thing. His friends urged him to say figuratively instead. But the boy wouldn't listen.
This pizza is so good. I literally just orgasm. Ew. And actually orgasm. So why did you just say literally? Because this is literally the best thing I've ever eaten. I could literally eat a million mozzarella sticks. Literally a million.
It was all harmless idiocy. Until one day. Guys, I said to the shortcut throwback alley and I was literally stabbed by a vagrant. Yeah, sure, dude, whatever.
I'm literally dying. Yeah, just like you were literally dying when you saw the hangover three.
Okay, no, that's how I just thought Alan was on point. Okay, with this time, it's my body. It's been literally destroyed. Oh, the same way it was literally destroyed that time he got back from CrossFit. No, no, my hand knees were just sore then.
Oh, losing control of my bowels. Guys, I'm literally shitting myself. Oh, just like you were literally shitting yourself when you saw Val Kilmer at a coffee bean.
I like Top Gun.
I was being hyperbolic. But I'm not being hyperbolic now.
I'm literally gonna die if you don't do something. Please, please turn around and look at me. Please, like I'm literally covered in blood. The boy pleaded and pleaded.
Literally going to die. But his literally's fell on deaf ears. Eventually, he did literally die. Oh, shit. So let this be a lesson to all who cry literally. If you keep saying literally when you mean figuratively, you will be stabbed by a vagrant and you will die.
So the end. That's all I need. Just give me a click. |
dropout | diversity_is_so_in_ch_shorts | I'm Rekha, and welcome back to TrendWatch, where we talk about the hottest new trend. Last week, we talked about the big world of Doc Martens, the week before we talked about the crazy fan of chokers. And this week, we're talking about something bigger, something wildly huge.
This week, we're talking about diversity. Yup, it's just like all the white people in your life say, diversity is in. That's why every single movie, TV show, and office has a ton of brown people in it. Every single one! So, let's take it to the field and ask some experts. Why is diversity so in right now?
So Vivian, you're like a sociologist? Yes, I am, with no air quotes. So, you're like an expert in people trends? Yes, again, you don't need to put it in quotes.
Why are there all of a sudden diverse people everywhere? I mean, like billions of them. There must be something to this trend. There have always been diverse people in the world.
Sorry Viv, but Black Panther only just came out.
So, diversity is more of a recent trend. Diversity isn't suddenly in, it's just a fact of life. The Earth contains many bodies, and races, and religions, and orientations, and all kinds of different people. Diversity can't be in, okay, because otherwise, God forbid, that means one day it might be out. You heard it here first. Next week, diversity could be out.
No, that's not what I'm saying at all. Trends like this don't last forever. What are you talking about?
Diversity is just the flavor of the week. And then, bye bye! Only white people.
Okay, what you're saying is extremely dangerous, and I feel like this is very...
Okay, so Jeff, from your Insta, it looks like you're pretty obsessed with diversity, right? So, what can the viewers at home do if they want to diversify this season? They should diversify their lives every day. From the media that they watch, to the people they hire, to the company they keep.
Okay, okay, but what about next season, like maybe all white you think? There's no season.
When people are saying diversity is hip or in, what they really mean is they're noticing it more. Diversity, it's not a fad.
In fact, it's risky to even say that. Oh, I love a good risk. Yesterday, I wore a bold print with high tops.
Diversity is just like that. No, it's not. It's just like that. Ma'am, no. It's the same.
In fact, many scholars are trying to phase out the term diversity altogether and move towards inclusion. Whoa, trend alert. Diversity is on its way out and inclusion is going to be in. You heard it here first, folks. Stuck up on diversity while supplies last. Stuck up? How do you stock up on diversity?
It's not even a physical item. Ooh, these are hashtag oddly satisfying. What are you talking about? How is my activism hashtag oddly satisfying? What does that even mean?
Amina, let me ask. Who wore it better? I'm sorry. What is this question?
Because marginalized people are not a purse. So they're more of a statement necklace? No. Diversity is not a trend.
It's just the world around you. Okay, because Black Panther only came out recent. Okay, stop talking. It is heartbreaking that people see other human lives existing fully, fairly, freely as a trend. But you know what? It's good that we're coming together and having this conversation and we're taking the time to hear one another out.
Ugh, this lady was super boring.
There you have it. This week's newest trend, diversity. And if you can't get it before it's gone, don't worry. Because as we learned from bell bottoms, trends are cyclical. So diversity could be back soon.
Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff.
And thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Fictional_Drugs | Today we're talking about fictional drugs. Now there are plenty of real drugs out there, but sometimes you need a drug so powerful it dwarfs anything in the real world. For instance, in the video game Grand Theft Auto 3, there's a drug called Spank. There's a new high on the street. Goes by the name of Spank. This is a massively popular video game series and it always gets a lot of attention for its gratuitous violence like killing hookers and user modifications where players can have sex. But what about the anti-drug message? A central plot point of the whole game is Spank is polluting Liberty City. We have no choice but to put these drug stands out of operation. We don't really know much about Spank. It's a white powder made by a Colombian cartel so you would think, okay, cocaine. But judging by how people behave on Spank, Come to daddy, special delivery. It shares more similarities to PCP and crystal meth.
Users get delusional, manic, and in some cases suicidal. A bunch of Spank-addled suicide bombers try to kill you and they're like zombies. They have this psychotic laugh and they keep repeating the same line over and over.
Come to daddy. Come here.
And they run toward your car and blow themselves up. It's actually genuinely unnerving. When I was a kid, there was a video game about this guy who was addicted to pellets and these pellets would cause these very powerful hallucinations in which he felt like he was both being chased by ghosts and then he was also chasing ghosts.
Josh, your drug is a little funnier than mine. It's not my drug. I've never taken it, but I want to talk about Glint. Street name's Glint, but it's also known as Glow, Glimmer, or Satan's Hair Lip.
In the very first episode of the Comedy Central series, Strangers with Candy, the main character played by Amy Sedaris essentially is a big loser. She's a 47-year-old former drug addict, former prostitute who returns to high school and to try to get in with the cool kids, particularly the leader of the cool girls, Poppy, she desperately says, I can make drugs.
Oh really, Jerry? Is that a fact?
I could make you trip your tight little ass off. So the very next scene you see Jerry Blank on her bed with a big bowl. Oh, sometimes this would do the trick. And just sort of mindlessly pouring household cleaners into this bowl and stirring it up and that is apparently Glint. Good times. The drug is administered by rubbing it on your mouth and gums.
Poppy grabs a huge handful, stuffs it in her mouth. I've never seen anyone do that much Glint before. And Poppy immediately gets extremely high. Are you all right, Ms. Downs? Long story short, the effects of Glint are that Poppy then has superhuman strength and speed for about a day. I'm a bumblebee. Poppy!
And then goes into a coma and dies. And it's pretty ballsy for a first episode. I thought that's where you want to start your series with, I'm going to mix up a fake drug and then kill another character. No one makes friends with a failure.
Nathan, your fictional drug is from the science fiction realm, is that right? That's true. Fictional drugs are my second favorite kind. This drug that I'm going to be talking about is Melange from David Lynch's 1984 non-masterpiece Dune. And it'd be hard to imagine a film where a fictional drug is more important or a film that is so maddeningly incoherent. The most precious substance in the universe is the spice melange. One of the symptoms of melange is that users have glowing blue eyes.
Is she hot? And it's not just for adults, it's also for children. But what does it actually do? What doesn't it do, Kyle? That's the better question.
That's true. Anytime they need anything, Melange can do it. The spice, it's in everything here. You need to full-time? Oh, that's one of the symptoms of melange. You need to extend life? That's melange. You need to communicate telepathically? Get out of my mind! That's melange. Erectile dysfunction? Yeah, that's melange.
If you have a drug that literally does everything, then how can you be emotionally invested in it? I can kill with a word. You know, it's like the fucking tree that saves everybody in Avatar. Of the drugs that we've discussed here, if you had to try one, which would it be? I mean, I feel like melange has the advantage on all of these. I don't want to become a suicidal homeless person, that's for sure. Yeah, you can die from both of these other ones. I think it's the winner hands down. Melange. Yeah.
So that's a drug all of our watchers should use. He who controls the spice, controls the universe. For more fictional drugs, visit avclub.com. Thanks for watching! |
dropout | housemates_of_horror_halloween_costumes | This is the story of seven costumed killers, and can. Choosing a mask to hide their face, which hides an endoskeleton. So they can look pretty while trick or treating. And visit pain upon any who would give them those orange peanuts. This is Horror House, Halloween! Things have been pretty tense since our last party, at which I gave birth to a being from space. I'm trying to let that go, and focus on the real issue. Tomorrow is Halloween, guys, and none of us have costumes.
Luckily Hannibal has a friend who works in fashion. I'd like you all to meet my very good friend, Buffalo Bill. Oh, we're gonna make you all look so good, aren't we? I'm sort of a fashion expert. By the way, I love your outfit. Who are you wearing? Unsurprisingly, Hannibal's friend was sort of a creep. I'm here to give you all a second skin.
It's about wrapping around what is. Like a moth in a cocoon. Mental patient becomes... ...a fun little Far East Affair. You know, when somebody strikes you, is it a little off? Obviously you are a bad mother. But what if instead of a mommy, we made you a leather daddy? He got along really well with Predator. I guess they bonded over hunting stories. I prefer parking lots in the middle of the night. But to each their own, unless of course their own happens to involve not being skinned as a trophy. But the last straw was the dancing.
No, no, no, no. What the hell is going on in here? He talked it. Where did it go? We don't need to answer that. There it is. Look, I know it's unorthodox, but it's just the way I work.
Well, everyone's excited about their costumes. Except Carrie. She disappeared. Have you seen Carrie?
No. Wait. Was she a great big fat person? No.
Was she the one with the really creamy skin? This is very nice skin also. What sort of lotion does it use?
Even his apology was creepy. I guess it's worth it if my costume is good. I'm supposed to grab it out of his van right now. Where's Theo? He was supposed to handle the trick-or-treaters. He had all the good candy. Trick-or-treat. |
SaturdayNightLive | jenna_ortega_monologue_snl | I am so excited to be here. my name is Jenna Ortega. I'm 20 years old, which makes me the youngest host of the season, but I've actually been acting since I was a kid. I got discovered when my mom put a video of me on Facebook, which someone explained to me is like Tiktok, but for racism instead of dancing. I've had a crazy couple of years. I was in Wednesday X. A lot of people assume that I'm dark and twisted in real life because of these roles that I play, but I am not like that at all. I think there's just something about my face where people see it and they're like, hey, let's throw blood on that. But I wasn't always in horror films. my first ever acting role was actually in a Colgate toothpaste commercial when I was nine.
Take a look. want to help me catch some invisible nasties? you know, those little journals that had in your mouth. I'll be back tonight. Invisible Nasties.
I am still that exact same girl. same one. it's just that, I don't know, scary music and editing can make anything seem like a horror film watch. I love horror movies, but honestly, I don't get scared very easily. part of the reason I actually wanted to come host Snl is that I wanted to face my biggest fear, happy, extroverted people who are always trying to perform. But everyone here has been so kind and this week has been a dream come true. You know, I've got a couple of friends here tonight, including one of my co-stars from Wednesday, Fred Armisen.
Let me distract you. I'm just here to watch with these people who are below me. Oh, did you want to come up and join me on stage? Oh, me? go up there in front of the cameras?
I could never.
Okay. I'm sorry. you don't have to. All right. fine. I will.
So this is what it feels like to be on Saturday Night Live. you were on the show for 11 seasons. Ah, that's sweet. Thank you. Seriously, Fred, it, I am so honored that you're here. you're the reason I started watching Snl, actually. my favorite sketch of all time is the Californians. Oh, that's so nice. You know, the original idea came to me because I was giving directions. yeah. no, we figured it was something like that. it's all good. thank you. Like I said, this feels like a dream. when I was a kid, I wasn't old enough to watch Snl yet. So I took a tour of the Snl studio with my parents like six years ago and they said, man, wouldn't it be amazing if you hosted someday? And it seemed impossible then, but now I'm here tonight and my parents are in the audience and they get to hear me say we have a great show for you tonight. |
dropout | Uh_Technically_Die_Hard_is_a_Christmas_Movie | I'm watching It's a Wonderful Life. It always gets me. Oh, I love Christmas movies. Oh, God. Me too. Christmas Story. Miracle on 34th Street. Elf, for God's sakes. Oh, my God. I love Elf.
Yes. Oh. Tao? Hey. What's up? What's the problem?
You guys want to know what my favorite Christmas movie is?
Love Actually.
The Santa Claus with Tim Allen. No. I don't like any of those lame family movies. My favorite Christmas movie is Die Hard, which is technically a Christmas movie. You're one of those. Yeah, people love saying that, but it's not a Christmas movie. It's not a family movie. John McClane has a family.
You know what we mean. Who would? Prove me wrong.
Okay, if you're going to be a weird jerk about it, I guess I'd say that a Christmas movie has to have the theme of family or communities coming together, and it has to take place around Christmas. All right. If Die Hard doesn't count, then my favorite Christmas movie is Eyes Wide Shut. Oh, my God. Perfect answer.
You know that's not what we mean. Look, Eyes Wide Shut is a great movie, but it is not a Christmas movie.
What? Why not?
Tom Cruise is watching people bang on Christmas, there's a Christmas tree in almost every single shot, and at the end, after all the orgies, he's finally connected to his family.
What do you want right now? What do you want my reaction to be? What? I'm just saying.
The movie isn't a Christmas movie. It's not a feel-good, family classic Christmas movie. It's a feel-horny, freaky, nasty person movie. You wouldn't sit down with your grandmother and watch that film.
Okay. Fine, then. Whatever.
My favorite Christmas movie, then, is the first three episodes of Ken Burns' Civil War, Okay. My father made us watch every single Christmas day without any breaks. He'd stare at that screen, and every ten minutes, he'd say, Damn, this country's messed up.
That's actually really sound. Checkmate.
Dan, what are you trying to prove? What?
That's just my Xmas. Shut up. All right, that's fine. We'll just put up my Christmas decorations.
Aw. Now, this I actually really like. He's got the festive bow on there.
And what's that, a picture of your family? No. It's actually hundreds of families.
This is U-T-A-G-E Flight 141. It's an international flight that crashed on Christmas Day, killing over 140 people.
Damn. It's a Christmas photo. That is so morbid.
I'm done talking to you. Please don't speak to me anymore. Okay.
Are you guys listening to Christmas music? My favorite Xmas song is Please, Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas by John Denver, king of Christmas himself.
It's great. It's festive. It's got a really good melody.
I'm just...
I love Christmas. Hey, it's Tao.
There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? Sign up for your free trial today.
Unless you hate fun, which if you do, come to my party on Saturday. It won't be fun at all. |
dropout | the_girl_with_a_birthday_month | Do you think I should try to be cool? Can we try to get like a little bit of work done today? Do you really think you could get away with that?
No. I'm begging you.
Hey guys! Just wanted to invite you to my birthday party. Birthday, birthday, birthday! Haha! Whoa! This is super long! Thank you. It's my birthday, so I want a full day of activities, but if you can't make it, don't worry, you can just come to the day two go-kart marathon upstate. Cool!
No, not cool.
Why is one birthday taking up multiple days? So, since my birthday did this weird thing where it's on a Wednesday, I know, Yikes Town population, right, right? Population of Yikes Town is much higher than that.
The weekend before, we're going to do a go-kart marathon, roller-skate rave, disco karaoke, Napa wine chugging, and then, on the actual day, a simple dinner after work. But then, why are there activities for the following week? Well, since it sucks when you don't have something to look forward to on your birthday and we'll have done the real party the previous weekend, I wanted to make sure I had a city-wide scavenger hunt for after the actual day.
Haha! Fun! No, not fun. Rekha, this is too much for one birthday. We have lives. Wait a second.
What is this thing on the first of the month? So, on the first of the month, I like to ring in the month that I was born with a little pizza party. I mean, it is the month that I was born. Celebrating that is very important. Wait, I was born this month, too. We should do a joint party.
Hey! What the hell? Hi, Brennan! Anyway, if you can do the ghost tour, let me know. I'm doing a head count. What are you talking about?
For birthday Eve. No, no, you don't. Ooh, what is birthday Eve? It's the night before my birthday. I have to ring in my birthday with my friends so I can turn a year older in style. I mean, can you imagine the clock striking midnight on your birthday?
And you're just alone? Like some huge, huge loser? I mean, you get it, Raph. Yeah, birthday Eve is not a thing.
Oh, I can't wait. Hold on.
Didn't you have, like, a sort of birthday party earlier this year? Is this a birthday again? Well, that was one of my birthdays.
You see, I had to lie about my age to get into school early. Why? Because they wouldn't let me go when I wanted to because they said I was too dumb. And I was like, why are you talking about?
So this birthday that's coming up is my other birthday. Didn't you have a birthday in December? That was my birthday solstice, welcoming the season in which my other birthday falls.
Thank you for clarifying, Reika. Now it makes sense. No problem.
You had a half birthday too! Who celebrates a half birthday?
Well, I had to find a way to relax with friends. I was getting so busy from all those birthday celebrations. Can't I do one thing for me? Stop it! Why? You can't keep hogging all our nights and weekends with one birthday! I get that it's important to you. But if you stretch one birthday out over multiple days, that's just a way for you to be self-centered without taking on any of the cost. Whoa. I'm stressing out my friends with RSVPs and weekend cabin reservations and visits to exotic petting zoos that I won't front the cost for and just so I can feel special?
That's awful. It's not awful. It's fine. Just tone down the birthday stuff. Okay. Got it. Okay.
You guys want to go check out that diner that just opened up down the street? What? It's birthday Easter. Are you kidding me? We're going cliff-diving in Seattle. Didn't you read the invite? Let's go!
It's my birthday, so I'm going to need time off from here until... It's actually until...
Yep. And here. That's the whole year. Yes, it is. Thank you. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
cracked | the_guy_who_tricked_people_into_buying_the_brooklyn_bridge | George C. Parker was a con man who repeatedly tricked people into buying the Brooklyn Bridge. Born in the mid 1800s, Parker made a storied career out of bilking tourists out of their money in New York City. Long before Times Square perfected the practice, armed with stacks of phony deeds and forged documents, he said to have sold the bridge twice a week, for the low price of $75, to the high price of $50,000. Part of his pitch was convincing buyers, like a butter and egg man from Indiana, that they could make a fortune by erecting toll booths on the bridge.
The police had to repeatedly stop suckers from setting up their own analog easy pass systems.
Parker wasn't just an untrustworthy bridge partner either.
His other landmark deals included selling the Statue of Liberty, selling Madison Square Garden, and posing as Ulysses S. Grant's grandson to sell Grant's tomb. He was finally sentenced to life in jail in 1928 over forging a $150 check and spent his remaining years in Sing Sing Prison, which he probably sold to his fellow inmates.
Times Square perfected the practice.
Armed with stacks of phony deeds and forged documents, he said to have sold the bridge twice a week.
The low price of $75, to the high price of $50,000. Part of his pitch was convincing buyers, like a butter and egg man from Indiana, that they could make a fortune by erecting toll booths on the bridge.
And police had to repeatedly stop suckers from setting up their own analog easy pass systems.
Parker wasn't just an untrustworthy bridge partner either.
His other landmark deals included selling the Statue of Liberty, selling Madison Square Garden, and posing as Ulysses S. Grant's grandson to sell Grant's tomb. He was finally sentenced to life in jail in 1928 over forging a $150 check and spent his remaining years in Sing Sing Prison, which he probably sold to his fellow inmates. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_abby_the_ex_girlfriend_snl | That movie was wild. Yeah, Paddington 3 was not what I expected. That was cocaine, Bear. Okay, see, I was so worried about Paddington. Oh, shoot, Abby, Graham is here. Abby, I mean, we can totally leave. Look, y'all, it's been three years. I can be around my ex. I'm totally cool. Hey, stranger. How are you, mama? Abby, hey, it's been a minute. What's new? I'm actually in the best place I've been in a long time. Yeah, I'm with someone new, and life is pretty rad. How have you been? You look like hell. Just kidding. You look awesome. Yeah, I've been good. Working out a lot. Oh, hey, thanks for paying me back about my car getting fixed. Yeah, sorry I threw that kettlebell through your windshield. I Had a lot to process, but now I can look at you with no attachment, and I think that's pretty frickin' rad. Sorry, babe, the line for the bathroom was crazy. Madison, this is Abby. Oh, hi. Oh, you two are together? Well, congrats. You got yourself a stunning girlfriend. This is my fiance. Your fiance? I just had that thing with my eyes where I'd have to poke it over. I don't, but if you say so. Yeah, yeah. So, how did you two meet? We Met on a little cruise. Well, it wasn't a cruise for me. I'm a boson on below deck. Okay, that's my dream job. Abby, are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm fine. It's not my thing again. I'm fine. I might just have to hold him. You Guys can kiss if you want. I Don't give a rat's ass. We're really Not trying to kiss at this moment. So, how do you guys know each other? Oh, my God, girl, how long do you have? Abby and I went on a one date in 2019. Okay. Excuse me. We Went on three dates. It was dinner, a movie, and a walk. The walk was from dinner to the movie. The whole thing was, like, two hours. Okay, irregardless. Graham and I have history, but now I think we're killing this friends thing. Bumble? Well, we're moving next month, but you'll have to come visit us if we're ever in. New Orleans. Where'd the Saints go marching? Oh, my God, Abby, do you need a tissue? No. No, you guys, these are Abby chairs. These are Abby chairs. Oh, thanks. I mean, happy, too. It Feels like a great place to raise a kid. You're pregnant? Yes! We're due in August, but maybe we should talk about something else. I'm starting to feel bad. You shouldn't. It was one date. Okay, look. Okay, none of that matters now, because, like I said, I am in a relationship, and it's so good. He's a little bit older, and he's totally ripped. Abby, that's great for you. I'm happy. Hey, Baba. Sorry I'm late. Yo, is this guy bothering you? Do You need me to beat him up? Because I definitely could. Wait, that's your boyfriend? It's totally good! |
dropout | if_animals_got_e_true_hollywood_stories | I had never seen a dolphin crash that many Lamborghinis in one night. And then my producer turns to me and goes, this is the guy all our paychecks are riding on. I'm thinking, this just got real.
The movie going public knows and loves animal celebrities. But not many people realize, hey, these aren't oddly shaped humans in silly costumes. These are wild animals. And they will become addicted to fame. 4,000 golden retrievers.
This one's too big. This one's too golden.
And she retrieves too well. But when we found Holly, it was like a godsend. She was so full of life. Miriam cast every movie I directed. She had access.
Terri the Horse, Janine the Bear, Lizard, who never opted for a people name. Like all celebrities, animal stars weren't always on top. For the lucky ones, there's a break. And then, more money than they could have ever imagined. Everyone in the cast was getting raises, except Holly. She lost it, shaved her head in protest, started barking in a really hacky British accent. Eventually, the network gave in. One million an episode. Life was good.
And then she started dating Flopper. I knew that was the beginning of the end. I said, Miriam, you know, I need a dolphin. Who's available? She said, Flopper Conroy. I'd heard all the stories about Conroy. The bar fights, the drugs, they don't call it a blowhole for nothing. But I also knew about the range. The awards. I had to have them. Flopper Conroy would walk into a restaurant and make love to the first woman who struck his fancy. Well, remember, in 1987 in Los Angeles, dolphins didn't sleep with human women in the light of day. This wasn't Miami. But Flopper Conroy did as he pleased. And he had a temper. So Flopper starts shouting at me.
He drove off in that week's 34th Lamborghini. We never saw him again. Holly checked herself in a rehab, and she never worked again. Luckily, the proceeds from her sex tape with Flopper were ample, and she loved the rest of her life and comfort.
Is this a sad story? Not really. Animals don't live a long time. We can give them the world, but at the end of the day, their physiology is fundamentally different from ours. We're starting to see that. And they should never be allowed to drive. |
dropout | troopers_the_swamp_planet | Yeah, Mom, I'll be home in time for the annual read feast. I've already booked my shuttle back to Deloran. I love you too.
Say hi to Deloran for me. Say hi to Delora for me. Hello?
Yeah, appreciate it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're from Deloran. Uh, yeah. Yes. Oh my god.
I work with someone from the swamp planet? Why does everyone call it that? It's a planet with one or two famous swamps. What was it like growing up in a mud hut? We have other ecosystems, you know, mountains, fields, outlet malls. How'd you get to school? Bark canoes? Back of a swamp snail?
No. Like everyone else in hover cars. Is it true you guys all have egg sacks?
Take off your pants. I'm not taking off my pants.
Aha! We got a swamp monster here. Hey, hey, you come from Triodia. It has a desert. Is it a desert planet? Huh? Hahaha, you almost got me with your bog logic.
Tell your frog emperor you failed. He's not a frog emperor. He was democratically elected.
Hey, station 38, still need those transfer reports. Careful, friend. Lest you face the wrath of the swamp bees. Hey, we'll get right on that. Yeah, whatever. Oh boy, it's a swamp bee. Yeah, we'll calm down. Come on. Okay, calm down.
I know these normal clothes must feel restrictive to you swamp dwellers. That's you. You hate normal clothes. They're just so itchy. I'm gonna take off my pants. Nobody is taking off their pants.
You're not making any sense. I'm sorry, Rich. Let me just say it in your native tongue. That's not what I said. I don't sound like nobody. Nobody on my pants.
Shut up!
Fifty years ago, Dreadtrooper scouts landed in a swamp on our planet and for some reason didn't bother exploring anywhere else. If they had gone one mile to the left, they would have found some beautiful beach front condos. But they didn't. And now we're the swamp planet.
How do you think that makes me feel? I, uh...
Don't say anything. Let's just eat our lunch in silence.
Is that Moss? It's a delicacy! |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_most_useless_magic_items_in_your_inventory | So if you're just tuning in folks, we have a tremendous collection of magical trinkets and wondrous items all at a bargain price. Now this is a bottle I found in a genie. It's a beautiful bottle. Now there very well could be a smaller genie in this bottle, however I never rubbed it to find out on account of how deep I had to pull it out of the first genie.
So this is worth about six silver coins, or a couple wishes if you're completely comfortable touching poop. Let's see, what do we have next? We have the spice weed pipe of Narvagon, the horned hierophant. It was a gift to his hornliness from the thief king of the Grey Wind Valley, and it was actually grown from a witchwood sapling into this very shape by Onyrus the Timbermancer, probably the greatest wood wizard of this age. So this comes in cotton candy or tropical blast, and it can be yours for only three heads of a shrieking gripper. Let's do a silly one next.
This is the quill of the spiteful scribe. Just pick this bad boy up and suddenly you have the handwriting of a master calligrapher. Write anything you'd like in a beautiful scrolling script, just keep in mind while wielding this pen it does make you kind of racist. So this goes for $3.30, but it's double if you're a dirty gnome.
Moving on, check this out, this is a boomerang of non-retrieval. It doesn't matter how hard you throw it, it will never, wait, no, this is the boomerang of non-retrieval. That was the boomerang of suspenseful return, so uh, I guess we'll keep an eye out for that. Moving on, moving on, I am super excited for this one folks, just in time for moon harvest, this jack-o-lantern can tell time.
4.30. See, isn't that incredible. Now it is 12 o'clock right now, but it will tell you any time, all the time, no matter the time. Bath time. Exactly. Now this only costs the eye of a newt, or a fig of newton. Boomerang time. But the deals don't stop there folks, here's a rare one, this is a level 3 staff, it allows you to cast any level 3 spell, just be sure not to cast any level 4 spells, or it will send you back to level 2. Now that's 3 installments of 250, or the deed to a spooky windmill. Uh, it's 8.
Don't you just love that thing. Just so you know folks, you can now find almost all these items on the web, it's a big web, made by a huge spider, uh, it's in a cave somewhere, so if you do find it, please let me know, that's like half my inventory gone. On a web.
Anyway, so the next one we got is a bit of a pricey one, it's the perfect gift for any monarch, this is Bloodsong the first sword, or Pelelongeluthnir to the elves. Perched in celestial steel from the asteroid that caused the great Thaumaclysm, and quenched in the heart of Unguent, the deep worm, this legendary blade not only exudes an aura of awe, but also deals radiant and psychic damage to the foes she fells, rending their souls asunder, and banishing their spirit to the grey planes. So this is 80,000, now that's a one of a kind price for a one of a kind sword. What Neil? What is that? This is a scabbard of fine dining, turns any blade it holds into, uh, this is 45, and this is whatever a fork costs now, god damn it, shit. Okay, this is Grubbard's draft of amnesia, it gives you amnesia, so how this potion works, oh, sorry I had to sneeze, uh, you gotta drink that for that to work, this is a potion of delayed sneezing, I did drink that, earlier, now I'd be willing to part with both of those for 80, or a bell that's never been rung, let's see, what do we have left, uh, oh, I almost forgot, this is the great helm of Amenamor, high summoner of happy birthdays, you simply don the helmet, like so, and you say the magic word, shit, and miraculously it has suddenly become birthday time, exactly, oh, Neil, well you shouldn't have, or maybe you should, it is my birthday after all, oh I hope it's money, oh, oh, I'm cut, I'm cut, bam, it's my birthday, I'm cut, oh shit, it allows you to strike up to three creatures in just one fell swing, however it only works within the walls of Nikto, the city of a thousand slaves, hmm. |
cracked | sam_morrill_claps_back_at_heckler_who_didn_t_know_he_was_literally_in_the_joker | Here's a joke for you, what do you get when you try to trash a comedian with a more impressive IMDB page than you realize? You get what you deserve. Comedian Sam Morrill has become one of the more beloved and vocal Knicks fans on Twitter, as he sits courtside in live tweets games with his expected New York-born snark. Obviously not everyone on NBA Twitter is a Knicks fan and some Sixers fans have taken issue with the shots Morrill directs at their stars. After Morrill posted a meme about Joel Embiid, one Sixers fan heckled him with a picture of Joaquin Phoenix's character Arthur Fleck bombing at an open mic from the 2019 film The Joker. There's just one problem, Morrill's the comic who was killing just before the Joker went on. In the pivotal Joker scene as Phoenix's Fleck prepared to take the stage at an open mic in Gotham City, a much more talented comic can be heard reciting a routine. Before exiting to a round of applause as the MC, played by Saturday Night Live's Chris Redd, tells the audience, one more time for Sam Morrill. One more time, Sam Morrill y'all. |
cracked | if_honest_ad_s_table_reads_were_honest | It's, all right, we're officially live. Hello, the zero people that are watching or whatever right now.
I'm Jordan, this is Jack, better known as Roger Horton. And yeah, he's Roger by the way.
And yeah, we're just, we're planning the next round of honest ads. We tend to do them in batches. We tend to shoot a few episodes at a time. And so, yeah, we're doing some table reads of where the scripts are at. And we're gonna mess with them a little bit.
Just thought, why not let people watch if they want to?
So let's do it. Okay. We're gonna start with if mattress commercials were honest. And I'll do all the descriptions and all the other characters and you just, you just Roger it as you guys do. All right. Ahem.
Interior white room, Dave. Roger steps into frame looking respectable as hell. He puts the R in ASMR throughout this video. Hi, I'm Roger.
If you're anything like millions of Americans, you suffer from aches, pains and general discomfort. We're here to help.
Roger sniffs the mattress like a fine wine. The smell of comfort.
Our puffy pricey rectangles are the best around and there's no way for you to prove otherwise. We've made sure of it.
A mattress shopper enters looking at a phone. They're dressed fairly conservatively like your parents. This site says Benji's certified snooze helper is better because of graphite infused foam. Did they now? Shopper shows the phone, Roger takes it. Well, not for long. Types on the phone.
Most sleep accessory reviewers are paid by the companies whose products they review. If we don't like what they're saying, we'll sue them for not being upfront enough about the fact that they're basically paid advertisements.
And then? On the phone 404 not found. Don't worry. We'll wait a week or two, buy the domain name and then reopen it. Hands back the phone.
Oh look, now it says to go with the Dreamweaver and there's a sale. The shopper looks at the sales tag on the mattress.
Three boy children, but it's marked down to two boy children. I can keep Steve.
Of course, there's not really a sale. It's always that price. But as long as we tell you it's marked down, your pitiful rat brain thinks it's worth the original value. You get so excited to see this federal trade commission disallowed sticker that you'll pay thousands of dollars for a comfortable laydown zone that in actuality only costs about 500 bucks to make. Sure, you could haggle over the price, but who wants to feel like they're at a car dealership when they're buying a thing that should be associated with peace, rest and Dutch ovening, the ones you love. Roger peels off the sticker to reveal actual price.
Only one boy child.
And now I can keep Jeff too? Honey, the shopper runs off screen. If you're not positive, we have the best prices. Feel free to visit one of our conveniently close competitors.
Most of them are just us with a different name. Even if not, they carry the exact same drunk friend storage quadrangles we do. People don't seem to like it when they don't have a choice. So those foam mattress mongers trick you into feeling like you do.
The shopper is now dressed young and cool. They prance in front of the camera with cool zooms, very nineties.
But that's not how your boomer parents with actual jobs and money did things. But that's how your boomer parents with actual jobs and money did things, not you.
You're young, you're hip. And don't put on your shoes to buy your baby making play mats. You shop on the internet.
Reveal, Roger is now dressed extremely casually, probably with a fake mustache, green hipster shirt, a fedora. It's the same mattress in the background, but now it says Mike's Mattresses logo on it. Mike, Roger is more energetic. Hi gang, Mike here. You know me from all those quirky ads on your favorite podcast.
Sure you skipped through them, but we bet you still know our shiny logo and catchy motto. Reveal logo, something simple and green. Maybe a very plain graphic of a man sleeping on a bed. And along with the motto.
Wanna snatch winks? How about using some snatch magic, Mike's Mattresses. Someone dressed like an egg and holding two glasses of wine runs past the shopper who kind of moves off screen and throws himself on the mattress. He looks up, Eggman. So soft, I barely spilled. Use coach magic snatch for 20% off your purchase.
Now we fade to soft lighting, all white, mist, satin, clouds, awards in text appear. Choice of the night, 2019. I slept for three straight nights and I felt like I died. Jenny from goodnights.com. Bob's best boxes fan fave, all fluff award, 2020.
Puffs, breezes, the Eggman and satin, real Jared Leto vibes, our cloud spokesman. Slide your soft flabby body into luxury. Pull back from this gorgeous view of satin and comfort and soft lighting.
And we see Roger dressed the same as in the intro, holding cue cards. Roger notices the camera. Okay, fine.
We don't care. No matter where you go, there we are. Isn't that a monopoly? Shoppers stands are in the corner. No, go ahead. Go to bed. Monopoly's a game. We're a $29 billion industry that controls where you spend 1.3 of your life. You can either sleep with us or sleep with the fishes.
Roger stares into the camera.
The shopper kind of hurries away, but the Eggman still on the mattress points to the do not remove tag on the mattress. Hey, what's this for? That legally mandated tag is there because we used to fill our old deflated fabric squares with used, disease-ridden and bug-filled bedding and whatever other crap we had lying around before selling it back to you brand new. The Eggman seems disgusted.
Oh, we don't do that anymore. Promise.
The Eggman goes to take it Roger pulls a two slow hand motion, runs his hand through his hair causing the Eggman to fall off the bed. Roger climbs into the bed full suit. So remember, if you want a quality good night's sleep, choose Horton's because it's not a choice at all. Roger gets tucked in bed.
The Eggman is still on the floor. You just gonna watch? Oh, sorry. He rolls away. This has been Roger reminding you, we own you and your children. From off screen. Only Jerry though. Have a good night. I don't know how we're gonna do this part, but in the dark sheets tucked up to his chin, Roger appears to have an unsettling nightmare. Eggman voiceover.
If Horton's, Mike's, Cloud's, Teal's, Jerry's or other affiliated brands don't make you feel sufficiently like meat stuffed in a sandwich bread, then you can always return your trampoline you're not allowed to jump on within five years, which coincidentally is the thing's normal lifespan provided you also pay us the equivalent of like half the original cost for dragging it back to the store for you. Provided of course you haven't already thrown it away with the other million memory makers that get tossed out in America each year and provided you brought it online from a local store and not online. And if you did buy it online, then good luck.
I'm sleeping here. And then just a bunch of names and mattresses.
It's a long one and it's wild. There's a lot of transitions. Are there any sections that you feel just like in your, as you're reading through it that feel like redundant or clunky?
Let me see. I'm just curious your thoughts. Okay, smell of comfort. No, it seems good. I think that the only questions I have aren't ones for me to answer. You know, how does some of the tech stuff go with the phone and things like that? Right, sure. I mean, we could definitely figure out that stuff. I think the only, it feels like something as long as Dave thinks that we can pull it off, we might as well just shoot all of it and then kind of see if it's dragging too much.
Cause there are so many tonal shifts. Oh, that was the only thing I was gonna say. At the beginning when it says you're putting the R in ASMR, I think we should do that really like a lot of tight closeup shots and you not fully whispering, but that kind of like, like you're tucking a kid into bed and telling them that bedtime story is they're falling asleep. You know what I mean? Like, hi, I'm Roger. If you're anything like millions of Americans, you suffer from aches pains. You know what I mean? That kind of like, so that when Mike comes out or when the shopper comes out, I suppose, and pisses you off, then you're like, hey, like maybe around the did they now is when you get kind of pissed. You've been slowly luring us in, you know, with your sleepy time dream voice.
Okay, yeah. You suffer from aches pains and general discomfort. We're here to help. Yeah, right, yeah, yeah. It's just that kind of like, yeah, yeah.
I think that'll be really fun. And because that's the thing. The visual is gonna make it clear about the cost of these is one, two or three kids. Yeah, yeah, I think we'll have that physically on a sticker. So like, I think we'll have a sticker on the mattress that says, well, it has three boy children crossed out, two boy children, and then you'll tear off that sticker and it'll say, now just one boy child. Now that's one of those jokes that's pretty elaborate or just, it's a joke, that's all it is. So we'll see if it's worth keeping.
Somebody says, yeah, somebody says we should have bodily fluid sponges. That's what we should call the mattress is bodily fluid sponges.
Okay. We're always looking for other like metaphors. I feel pretty good about it. I mean, I think it's worth looking into again.
It feels like if there's a problem, it's gonna be its length and its technical difficulty, but I almost wonder, well, we'll figure it out. That's for Dave to figure out. I'll talk to him and- Yeah, and I'm wondering if it ends up being too long if editing can't go in and do some of that, but I didn't, reading it, it didn't seem long to me. Yeah, well, it's just, if a page is a minute, this is pushing seven-ish minutes, which is, I mean, I don't know how exactly it'll play out because there's a lot of description which we don't typically have this much description and movement, but I feel pretty good about it.
And if we weren't streaming, we wouldn't be reading that most of that stuff. We'd just be reading the dialogue.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think if there's anything to cut, you could probably cut right after the egg man jumps onto the bed. You can cut all the way to, like there's probably another way to cut that half page. Which page is that, is that? Halfway through four. Okay, because I was just at the bottom of the five and the legally mandated tag that we've put in stuff in there. I think we said that more than once. We did kind of say, so we can even cut it up top where we kind of mentioned that there's a bunch of bad stuff in there. So yeah, that's definitely another thing that we could approach it from a different direction. Cause yeah, I would say to your point, everything around page five after is it could end at any point, probably. Okay. Yeah, we've already said I own your children. It could be compacted somehow.
I'll look at it more, but I think that'll be- And maybe later, I don't know. Cool, well, I feel pretty good about that. I'll take a look at it. But again, it kind of feels like maybe we just film everything and then we could, like you're saying, cut and editing, which I almost do all the time anyway. That's fun. You got a preference for which one to do next? No, I don't care. Let's do honest social media because that was the one I looked at most recently.
Okay, okay, I'm up and ready. All right, let's do it.
By the way, that last one was written by Tara Marie. This one is written by- Tara Marie has also written Hard Seltzer. Oh, okay, I love that one.
And yeah, I'm trying to think if she did any other ones for us. I'm not sure.
This one says Mark Hill and I remember seeing his name more than once before. Mark Hill has done crypto. He's done NFTs.
He's done gamer gear. Those are the three that he's done. He knows all the shit that I have no idea about. I know, I go to him when I'm like, do something with the internet. He's great at that.
All right. Fantastic, but I give you some of that credit for sure. If you did it, post was wonderful. Thank you so much. Dave helped with that as well. Thank you. Dave and I made it happen.
All right, interior. Oh, so that's the thing too is I think we might shoot this one on location as well. Interior living room, like whatever house we shoot, we might repurpose, but okay. And the last one is, is that gonna be a white studio, the mattresses? Yes, I think so. Because we're doing so many different tonal shifts. I think we just want a mattress sitting on the ground.
Okay, that's right to me. Yeah. This one on location, that sounds right too. Yeah, all right, let's do it. Okay.
Interior living room, I guess day. I didn't put that in there, I'll put that in there. Oh man, look at that. I'm gonna tell your teacher who told you how to put these things together that you're leaving stuff up.
And he is gonna be on your butt. And I don't, oh, somebody just asked, is Roger from Buffalo 66? Yes, he is, there you go. Now you know how really old I am. All right, we're going, we're going.
I just did that one because they spent two bucks, or two pounds to ask that question. So I felt like I needed to respond to it. Oh, it came from England or something? Yeah, apparently. Oh my.
Okay, a bored man is sprawled on a couch, idly using his phone. Roger enters dressed like a cliched Silicon Valley CEO. He sits next to the man and peaks at his phone.
You're going to post that? Roger shakes his head in disgust, grabs the phone and strikes an obnoxious pose while taking a selfie with the man. Now that will get you the, get the lights rolling in. You needed a hit, didn't you? The man gyrates a bit in relief as his phone rings. Oh, oh yeah. Hi, I'm Roger, founder of Hort R, the finest social media network to ever hijack the world's dopamine receptors and transform the populace into a galaxy brained engagement zombies into galaxy brained engagement zombies whose emotions can be manipulated like a child promised a lollipop for picking up their room. Pull out your own phone, show the man. Mort R is committed to connecting hundreds of millions of people in a tangled web of ready to be stolen data and extreme emotion like Shalab with seed money.
So that's, okay, Shalab. I think that's how it's pronounced. I think I looked it up and it seemed to be, say Shalab.
Did you ever read Lord of the Rings? Fighter from the Rings?
Yeah. Okay. Um, this is great. All my friends are here.
Although one of them is claiming that dogs were invented by the government to spy on us. Don't worry about it. Why don't you post an insipid observation about hot dog toppings so you can feel those micro hits of dopamine that Hort R dispenses like cursed Pez.
The man fiddles with the phone, which then starts dinging. He orgasms a bit again.
Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
I just got rogerd four times for saying that whole wheat buns are underrated. But this guy got rogerd over a hundred times for their hot dog take. What did I do wrong? You think anyone cares about your buns?
Hort R is powered by an algorithm which is like employing a math wizard who rains useless digital trinkets down upon users who are in a, who in a pre-internet world claimed their uncle worked at Nintendo. Well, that's stupid. I don't wanna use this anymore.
Man puts down the phone on the table in front of him. He and Roger both stare at it for a moment. And then the man leaps forward and grabs it and rapidly types.
Anyone who puts relish on their hot dogs is a godless communist who should be dragged in the streets and shot.
Send. Ooh, wow. Now the Rogers are really rolling then. That's because you're driving sweet, sweet engagement.
The lifeblood of social media. Well, that and the personal data we sell to ad networks trying to get you to buy crap from Albanian eBay.
Yeah, sure, whatever. Invade my piracy, I don't care.
I'm getting hundreds of Rogers now, but somebody replied, why are we talking about hot dogs when the real hot dogs are the robotic retrievers the government puts in our homes? And that's getting thousands of Rogers.
That's bad, right? Is having civil discourse bad? Is freedom bad? Democracy founding fathers cancel woke lives much? But they say anyone who disagrees with him is a godless communist who should.
Wait, that's what? Oh God.
Yes, Hort R brings out your worst instincts, but that's just what it takes to compete in what we'll call the marketplace of ideas, even though nobody besides us makes money. And you've got to really squint to claim any of these posts are actually ideas in the traditional sense. I think it's really sleazy to elevate posts like that. I know. The Hort R algorithm is a completely neutral techno deity interested only in what gets the most attention. The fact that the posts that most rile up your decaying lizard brain and cause your body to physiologically react as if you're encountering a live tiger in Arby's bathroom are the ones we'll constantly recommend is a complete coincidence.
Yeah, that's gonna be one of those phrases where it's like, the sentence starts here and then there's an aside for like 15 words and then we come back to it. I need to go into my physical script and start putting ellipses and commas all over the place and go, okay, where am I now?
Yes. Yeah, because I think it, yeah, I mean, would it be helpful for me to put like M dashes or something? No, that's okay. Okay. Unless you absolutely know where you want them. I do, because I think. Then do. Okay, I think it goes. Oh, I can think.
Well, I guess it's tricky, right? Because it goes, the fact that the post that most rile up your, I can't even say it. The fact that your post, wait, the fact that the post that most rile up your decaying lizard brain and cause your body to physiologically react as if you're encountering a live tiger in an Arby's bathroom are the ones we'll constantly recommend is a complete coincidence. That's such a, yeah, but you'll get it. It'll make sense in context. I think I'm gonna post this news article debunking this robot dog nonsense so we can get back to talking about real hot dogs. Ah, man, this post is getting barely roger'd at all.
What good is a product if nobody uses it?
Everything about Hort-R is designed to discourage users from ever leaving its comfortable confines. We want nothing more than for you to sit back, scroll through Hort-R in an over-emotional haze, desperately searching for a whiff of sanity, like a dying bedouin searching for water in the desert. So Hort-R succeeds by elevating the posts that make us scared and angry, but then limits access to outside information that could calm us down?
Yes, but we also show you adorable videos of sloths pooping, so I'd call it a wash. But if most traffic goes through Hort-R, how do websites that actually produce things make any money? I don't know. Maybe they sell plasma. Besides, what's the worst a little old social media platform could do to a popular website?
I think this is, yeah, this is when we should, you should just like stare right in the camera. This is where we get really sad. Maybe we cut to the crew, everybody's crying.
I don't know. Roger winks at the camera, then stares for a long five seconds.
Well, now I'm just pissed off. Then good news. Look, here's someone who thinks pancakes are made of platypus meat. Oh, that's just, that's just perfect.
You're even dumber than those people who think dogs are government spies. I hope you fall in a well.
Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Nothing quite like a fresh batch of pure Roger's. Yeah, hey wait, my entire Hort-R feed is now full of hashtag dog gate crap now.
What a coincidence. Better go fight the good fight by waging a digital forever war with them. Oh, let's do it just for the purposes of notes. I think you should say it very sarcastically, like, huh, what a coincidence. Oh, yeah. Because you- What a clinky-dink. Yeah, exactly, right. Because this is a thing, you're like, huh, what a coincidence. Guess you better go fight the forever war with them. What a coincidence. Better go fight the good fight by waging a digital forever war with them. Yeah, so now I'm pissed that I'm typing on the phone to the background.
I've been Roger. And remember, having your privacy stolen, being force-fed, constant damaging lies, the dilution and down-ranking of any quality content, the act of ruination of everything the internet was supposed to be, the tearing apart of the very social fabric of society, the obliteration of democracy, and watching as our children become more and more depressed and dangerously suicidal is worth it. As long as a handful of your grandma's friends, heart, your heart. Your post about that fucking ham sandwich you ate earlier today. Ah, heart. I think that'll be one of those, you remember the end of the smart TV one where Dave had it pull in and you got distorted and it's really terrifying? I think that's the thing. Yeah, like you make it look like an aside where you're like, I've been Roger. And remember, having your privacy stolen, being force-fed, constant damaging lies, all of that is worth it. As long as a couple of your grandma's friends like your post about your ham sandwich. Hearts and Rogers, you bet. Roger, Roger me, heart me.
Shut up, Chris. I can't help it. I'm reading along with them. People are making fun of the fact that I'm mouthing along with you.
I don't know, is there any other? You're in the show, everyone can see and hear you, okay. I didn't see that there were little words down there. Any other what?
Any thoughts on that one? Also Chad Henderson, thank you for the super sticker. No, that's fun. Yeah. I think the only sticking point that I have is that I think Hort R needs a funnier better name. Okay. It feels like it's gotta be like, I think it's, maybe it's supposed to be Hoarder, like Twitter, I don't know. But even still, I think like, cause you could do Rog Book, you could do something more like Facebook or Instagram, like Hort Graham or Hort Talk, Rog Talk. Yeah. So maybe I'll do a poll or something. I just, I think we could do better. Yeah, well, that's good. A poll's great. Let some people have their say here. And I think this one is very similar to NFTs or crypto, where it's basically you're the savvy internet CEO and we've got one person who doesn't get it and it's just asking you questions so that you keep going. She's people. Yeah. Cool. I feel pretty good about that one. I think I might tweak some stuff, but that one feels pretty strong.
Let's do another Mark Hill one, honest streaming. Let me know when you've got it. Freedom speech. Oh, it's more bored people looking at stuff. Yeah, right. Only it's a couple now, a bored couple instead of a bored single. Yeah, I'm there. Okay, let me, all right. I think I've got it. I'm trying to remember if there's something else. Yeah, okay, let's do it.
Interior living room. A bored and tired looking couple is curled up on a couch in front of a TV, woman.
So do you wanna watch Cop Doctors or Doctor Cops? The man shrugs, the woman looks frustrated. Roger enters. Are you struggling to decide which bright stream of flickering photons and erratic audio waves might combine in such a way as to loan your seldom used body into another night of sweet, sweet unconsciousness? Yeah, but nothing looks very good. Maybe we could just have like a conversation. The man glances at his partner like he's scared by the prospect. Oh, there, let's not get desperate.
What you need is Hort Flix. The premier movies, but on the internet, but not porn service, perfect for ensuring night after night passes peacefully with zero opportunities to confront the burgeoning physical and emotional intimacy issues that have trapped your relationship in a meandering death spiral. Yeah, that was good. That's exactly it, right? It's the premier movies, but on the internet, but not porn service, like it's all, that's what the service is. Yeah.
I'm Roger and I can assure you that Hort Flix has thousands of viewing options, a handful of which are even kind of good from old shows that won't allow you to capture your youth no matter how lovely you laugh to yourself through the shared wall of your apartment to new films, featuring only the most cash grabbing stars, most forgettable plots, and most passably competent production values. Hort Flix has everything a person needs to pretend somebody somewhere cares about their existence. Okay, but we already pay for other streaming services, like so many streaming services. That's because other services like Raj Plus or Bob Max, more viewers in with some must-see show, and then before you can look up your seven seasons deep into some Belarusian soap opera because you were too lazy to stop their aggressive autoplay feature, but only Hort Flix as both a popular workplace sitcom from when you could still get out of bed without audibly groaning and a brand new prestige drama about the most recent Silicon Valley scandal called something like Aptastrophe or the student, Aptastrophe.
Yeah, Aptastrophe. Aptastrophe or the student.
We see the Hort Flix interface, which is dominated by the preview image for a generic prestige drama. Notably, Roger, looking very serious, is one of the actors.
Ooh, that sounds great. Doesn't it?
Oh, don't look at the reviews and make sure to really soak in the two seasons we'll make before canceling it once the creative talent starts asking for more money. Okay, but what else does, what else makes Hort Flix different? Do you have like classic movies? Initially, yes. We'll include some foreign art house crap with some decent titties thrown in alongside 490s movies starring talking babies. But we'll wean you off the critically acclaimed stuff by slowly removing them in favor of shiny new Hort Flix originals. And we'll aggressively market them for a month or two before letting them vanish into the great content ether.
How about this film about sexy artists who are also sexy art thieves? It's called something like Blue Theft or Art Notice.
I don't think I've ever heard you say titties before. That was really exciting for me. Well, say what? I don't think I've ever heard you say titties before. I'm pretty happy with that.
We see the Hort Flix interface. You want it. We see the Hort Flix interface again, this time with the image of a generic heist film. Roger now looking fun and flirty as one of the actors.
Maybe I'd watch that, I guess, if I was really bored. Maybe we should just put, what? Oh, I got one more line. Yeah, maybe we should just play video games or something.
I've got it. We'll call it Vincent van Gaughan. Get oodles of free advertising.
You know what? What? Are they wrong here?
Yeah. Okay. Everything's been correct up until this point, but I wrote this line specifically for you because I thought you'd love it. Let me just email it to you really fast. Okay. Let me.
Yeah, sorry. That explains the confusion. It is coming. Oh, man. Where is it? Sorry. It is officially sent. Okay. It is officially here. Let's see if I can get it down here. Sorry for that. For some reason, I thought I sent you the right one, but I did not.
Yes, by the way, that is the NFT shirt that Jack is wearing. That's him as an adorable chihuahua.
What do you think? I love what we're doing again.
I sent it to you as, I think I said it it was honest streaming fixed or something like that. I sent it to the honest ads round four read through thread. Send it to your Google.
Oh, it went to, okay. My fault. It went to the wrong. No, okay. Let me.
Horts net, we capture you like an actual fishing net. That'd be funny.
Oh, sorry everyone for the confusion. I sent the wrong script because I'm an idiot.
Okay, I'm on what page now? Let's. Four. No, kind of the midway of three. So you see where it says we see the Hort Flix interface again, that stage direction. So I'll start with the woman. We've pulled a line from the end into here, I see. Yeah, yep. Cool, and it's even better here. I think so. Nice one. So you ready? Yeah. Okay, I'll be woman.
Maybe I guess if I was really bored, man, why don't you just play video games or something? Fuck video games, they're a fad.
And how are they going to compete with Vincent van Gaughan, which we'll promote in a thousand movie blogs by claiming it somehow cost $200 million to make despite looking like a fumbling film student sophomore project, and then slather it all over our clunky user interface until you accept the fate assigned to you by our algomer, algomerithic. Algomerithmic, yeah. Algomerithmic moire and begrudgingly sit through two hours of pandering mediocrity.
Then once enough people throw it on in the background while they do laundry or weep openly, we can call it a success and repeat the whole joyless process. So you'll never have to think about venturing out into society. Sounds great, we're in. That's wonderful.
Do you want to sign up for our basic tier which comes with ads or our premium tier, which comes with ads? That kind of sounds like normal TV. Absolutely. And if you slug a beds want, you can pay to add some of those real television commercials complete with even more ads. And the streaming model was meant to circumvent before we balkanized into a patchwork of ever growing subscription fees you've forgotten you're paying.
Oh, so this, yeah, this line probably needs to change. Hey, it's not, I think it should be like, hey, it's not like we watched three hours. I'll fix that line. It's not like all we do is watch all night.
Sometimes I read a book. I stare at my phone until I wake up the next day.
Well, now you can do both because Hort Flix originals are so anodyne that you barely have to be in the room to follow them. Sure, we'll throw in the occasional naughty word or the fleeting shadow of an attractive actor's ding-dong so we can call it art. But as long as the incomprehensible action scenes and jokes ripped from 1980s standup routines keep you stapled to your furniture of choice, we still make our money. And if even that's too complicated for your poor lumpy noggin meat, we have plenty of baby shows where D tier celebrities compete to answer softball music trivia or judge birdhouses made by gawking yokels. We see the interface which is now pushing a making it type show. Roger is again, one of the celebrities. I guess this Hort Flix original about a ghost that's haunted by another ghost looks okay. Well, then hurry, click on it. We'll never release our shows on physical media and they could leave Hort Flix at any moment for any reason. So you had better sit back and cram as much digital buzzing into your cranium before your chance to ingest vampire house hunters is gone forever. We see the interface again. Now with the image of a reality show. Roger, one of the vampires is contemplating the house.
I guess I am pretty comfy. That's the spirit. Sit back, relax, enjoy the soothing sounds of content.
Don't think about the growing number of studies that have linked binge watching to sleep deprivation, unhealthy eating habits, blood clots, depression, and a higher risk of cardiovascular disease. Oh, look, we have a whole category called formulaic and morally uncomplicated legal procedures set in cities you can find on a map. That ought to knock off several hundred hours from your fleeting mortal existences.
The man and woman cuddle up and press play on their remote. Roger drapes a blanket over them as they settle in and we hear cliche dialogue from some insipid show.
I've been Roger and I'll raise the monthly fee again once they're hoped. I'll just steal the password for my parents.
Fuck. I have you a little swearier in this one. That's okay. I like swearier. I think the scene that jumps out to me as maybe we can cut, I feel like we talk about maybe we come back to Hort Flix originals too much. Yes. So we could probably cut some of that. Because that's, you know.
We have smart viewers. We don't have to say anything more than once. Yeah, I think you're right. In the old days it was say it three times. Once for the smart, twice for the smart that aren't paying attention and the third time for the stupid people who aren't paying attention. It's an old just from back in France I think. Yeah, they could just rewatch it if they need to get it.
That's right. Please disappear. This is up forever. That's right.
Any other things that felt clunky or unnecessary? Only my reading. Well, they're always, I mean, it's always gonna feel clunky that first time because these are not phrases that a normal human person should be saying.
Are we? Well, that's a fair question.
I just really like Bob Max. I almost wanna make Bob Max the main one. I mean, I think Hort Flix is better and Bob Max is a better one-off joke, but anyway.
I'm sorry, I didn't have Corn Flix in mind. Mine said Rog something, which I thought, why would I? There's Rog plus, but there's also Bob Max. Yes, I'm at that. Services like Rog plus.
Well, that sounds like one of my own and why would I put that down? Well, I think it's just because we needed more names. I mean, you're right. We should probably look into that. I guess they could be other people.
You could have it be like, I don't know, Jordan Flix or something, Jordan Max. So you could be shitting on my channels or something. Bob Max and Jordan plus. Yeah. Maybe it could be like Dave minus and we could just like cut to Dave behind the camera being all mad.
Cool, I feel pretty good about that one. I think it's just, yeah, maybe we can definitely cut that one down. Cool, let's go to, let's do Honest VR. This one is written by me as of now and it's still in a pretty early phase, but feel pretty good about it. I thought it was brilliant already.
Well, this is going to be, assuming everything works out, this will be a collaboration with Warp Zone or the Warp Zone, the YouTube channel. They have done a lot of virtual reality stuff and they're going to help us with this and I think it's going to be really fun, so. Cool, and they're going to do what? Well, they're going to make it all the virtual reality stuff. So a lot of this is going to look like a computer game and they're going to help us build all that. So it's going to be flipping in between the white void stuff and yeah, this like computer game looking virtual reality stuff. It'll be really interesting if we can pull it all off.
So I'm excited about it. Cool. Cool, all right.
So if virtual reality were honest, you ready? Interior void day. We panned a Roger sitting on a chair wearing a Zuckerberg Jobsy and black sweater.
When the internet was first invented, it was all text-based and very difficult to steal user data. Then with the rise of smartphones and faster speeds, everything became video-based and stealing data was much, much easier, but it's still not enough.
Roger stands up and starts walking. Aye, my name is Roger Horton and today I want to talk to you about the Rogerverse, a world where anything is possible, where dreams become reality, where I will become your God and you my pathetic digital subjects.
Confused? It's better if I just show you.
Hurry, hurry. This view master duct tape to a smartphone becomes unstable if we drop an update or release a new iteration of this technology that becomes outdated every few months and it's not like we do backwards compatibility. The man finally gets it affixed to his head.
Good. Now let's free you from that moist flabby meat prison. Hey, oh!
The world transforms around Roger and he becomes a digital avatar. The man disappears.
Interior dojo, day. Digital Roger is now dressed as a sensei, kimono, black belt. He stands in a dojo that looks nearly identical to the one in the first Matrix movie.
Welcome to the future of the internet where the only limits are those imposed by your weak imagination. The man closes his eyes, grunts and pop. Now his character's a waifu, a waifu. First thing I could think of. I don't doubt it. The man grunts again and becomes a ninja warrior. The man takes a few steps in the space.
Oh man, this is like a video game. Can I play? Ding. A login screen pops up, prompting viewers to enter their password.
First things first, you can't enter my magical computer world without first creating an account for our social media platform that's actively destabilizing the world's governments. I don't even use social media.
Look, we can't track everything you do unless you sign this, okay? So just do it and you can get to playing. The man reluctantly signs it.
Great. Now, if you really want to play, you should buy this big ass sword. Ding. A big ass sword pops into the air next to the man. Above it hovers a price tag of $200. Ah, seems a little expensive. Well, you can always go back to the real world where you have zero swords. You're right.
Interior void day. The man, still wearing the headset, flails awkwardly, slicing the air with air. The only sound is his heavy breathing and grunting. Roger looks at the camera knowingly. Interior dojo day. Roger stands next to the man. He's now covered in blood.
Did you enjoy pretending you had some sort of useful skill and specific purpose? Yeah.
It was pretty fucked before the man can finish his sentence and alarm sounds and a sword disappears. What? What happened? Where's my sword?
You almost said a swear friend. Part of the deal is if you fail to follow our platform's neo-puritan bylaws that somehow don't allow to, that somehow don't apply to literal Nazis, we'll ban you from our dystopia forever and revoke all those items you purchased from us. But I scored. Let's try again with something a little less arousing.
The world transforms again. Interior, conference room, day. The man and Roger are now in a boring ass conference room. Now this is what Roger, what the Roger verse is actually all about. Working, meetings, getting yelled at by your boss.
A huge panda wearing a suit and tie manifests behind the man. Roger is not visible.
Gary, ah, what the hell are you doing in here? I needed that report an hour ago. Mr. Thomas? Sorry, I'll get right on it.
Interior, void day. The man is fumbling around the void like he's looking for paper or something. Roger looks knowingly at the camera. Is there like a keyboard somewhere out here? Interior, conference room, day. You'd better.
The panda boss takes a bite from a bamboo stalk and disappears.
Ding. An advertisement for, I don't know, body pillows or something fills the screen. Well, who's that for? Roger appears behind the man.
Thanks to our data mining. We know exactly what to market to you. And it's definitely not products created by other companies because we're committed to squashing and buying up any and all competition. Even if we do let some decent content be sold by a third party, we're going to take a 50% cut out of any profits. This allows us to carefully curate our platform to ensure everything on here is incredibly buggy and low quality for you.
The man doesn't seem convinced. Roger wipes away the advertisement. I can see that you're still not sold on the Rogerverse and I know why.
It's because you're a man of culture, a man of taste. I've got just the world for you. The world transforms again.
Interior, anime brothel, night. Roger and the man stand in what appears to be a bath house. They're wearing bathrobes.
What is this place? Gary Cohen?
Off screen. We don't actually see the anime lady but the man's open, the man's eyes open extremely wide.
Oh my God. Interior void day. Again, with no sound, the man thrusts his hips violently and grunts. Roger's a bit disgusted, a bit amused.
Yes, yes, enjoy yourself while we record all your biometric data, eye movements, your little grunts. Whether you realize it or not, we're collecting enough information to essentially clone you if we needed to. Pretty soon we'll be able to sell your soul and that's worth a pretty penny to the right buyers.
He transforms back into an avatar that looks suspiciously like the devil and the world transforms into a bank vault filled with money. Interior bank vault day.
Yeah, that's got a lot of tech stuff, huh? I think it will actually on our end be one of the easier ones that we filmed because so much of it is digital. So all digital?
Okay. Yeah, it's just gonna be getting the voices right and stuff like that. But I think, you know, a lot of it is just going, I mean, there will be literally zero set dressing. It'll be white void, you, probably me, and then all the cool stuff is in digital realms that are being built apart from us. So we don't have to worry about that at all. So that'd be really fun.
I built, do you mean in a computer? In a computer, right. Okay.
I think it'll be really fun. What we shoot will be plastered onto these weird places? Yeah, they're sending me some test footage tomorrow so that we can see what we have to do. But I think it'll be pretty easy for us and it's mostly on them. So we'll see exactly what that pans out for what that looks like. It'll be nice seeing your groin thrusts thrust.
Yeah. Good. I'll just be running around the void doing my thing, probably, and you can just, like maybe you're still talking to the camera and I'm running back and forth behind you trying to. All right.
Fighting ninjas, all sorts of stuff running into walls. Are there any sections that feel clunkier? I think the Panda Boss one is maybe the... When he comes in yet again, he's in there and you better do this and he shows up that might be compressed a little.
Yeah. I like it now that I understand a little better what's happening. I think it's really cool. Yeah. I like it a lot.
I think, yeah, a lot of this is gonna, we're trying to lean into the, if we're gonna use this weird technology, we should use it. We should do it. Well, I'm glad somebody knows how to do that because if you asked me, I'd go, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, I don't know how to do it either. I just, I originally had a different idea of something that I did know how to do, but then I got connected to these guys and they said, let's make it really crazy. So I think we're gonna try it.
I think it would be great. Love it. I mean, I liked the last one that came out with all the weird shit you did. This is even much more. It should be extremely weird. All right, cool. Let's do. Hope I don't upset it.
We got home buying. Yeah, that's what I said, home buying.
Yeah, yeah. So this one definitely needs some love just because it's kinda unfinished in a lot of ways. Yeah, I'm there. I'm ready. Okay. I mean, I think it's all you pretty much. So let's just, I mean. Okay.
House Hunters. You wanna just read it? Yeah, we'll just see if anything jumps out.
Do you like getting naked without everyone watching and enjoy rain not falling directly on your head? Then might I recommend living inside? But are you tired of spending money every single month for that private nudity and dry hair? Then allow me to give you the opportunity to spend even more money every month for the next several decades so you can own, not rent, four walls with a different type of wall on top.
My name's Roger. And when my punk band failed, I found it. Are you aware of the stereotype? So I wrote an article for a satire site that's similar to The Onion because I used to play music a lot in a lot of bands.
Everybody I know is now a real estate agent. I don't know why. I guess it's like the most money you can make without having to like go back to school and get a real- Mine are actor friends. Oh, see? I have a number of actor friends who went to real estate.
So maybe- And I'm gonna hear shit from them. Maybe it should be when my creative job or my- Oh no, I like, no, no, I like punk rock bands.
I love that. And if any of your music friends that you sell, that Jack made that, made me- Yeah, that was Jackson. I had nothing to do with him. No, I love that.
Okay, cool. Because here's this guy in a suit talking about his punk rock band. Oh yeah, yeah, I always feel it. I was Henry Rollins, right? Yeah, right. Yeah, I was doing a lot of stage diving. Right, yeah, yeah.
And now you're selling houses. Perfect transition. I've been chilled a lot of the audience in my stage diving. Okay, all right, let me go back. Okay, my name's Roger.
And when my punk band failed, I found a job as a real estate agent because that's the easiest way to make a lot of money without having to learn any real skills. I get a cut of whatever these particular four walls with a different type of wall on top sell for. So the higher the price, the more money I make. Seems like that'd be a conflict of interest with you, the buyer, who actually hired me to help you. But it's okay because the seller hired a separate real estate agent who also gets paid more the higher the place goes for.
So, you know, absolutely no one in this process has any reason to keep the price down. Well, no one except you, of course, and you're a powerless, ignorant fool.
All you know or think you know is that you need to own a house. That's the normal thing to do. It's the American dream. And if you don't buy your own house, you're an American failure.
Did you know, we just came up with that idea one day. The same way we decided dessert comes at the end of a meal instead of eating pie at the beginning and at the end of every meal as I, sorry, as God originally intended. Here's the thing.
You know how right now, we sometimes build really cheap places to live. But for some reason, you've been conditioned to believe those places are only for poor people to turn into a cracked-end bandit camp. Well, a century ago, there was a plan to build millions and millions of those, some simple and small, sure, but others big and nice enough that any family of wealth, if any wealth bracket would wanna live in. While remaining cheap enough to free everybody's money to spend on pants and pie instead of allocating over a third of their income on the privilege of living indoors. But that was before a lobby of realtors and bankers shut the idea down because they knew they stood to make much more money if we only built houses nobody could actually afford.
That's pretty long. It is long.
I think there could definitely be something. It's good info, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me mark that, so that's page two. I also think maybe that joke about pie is a little clunky. Yeah. It's just a little, I don't think it's not funny. I just think it's maybe, it's six lines just to one joke about pie, even if he comes back to it. And I guess it's a joke about you being God again, because that's what I'm just constantly sneaking into these. But yeah, I think that's good. I think that that part definitely needs some love because it's an important section, but I think we could tighten it up. It is good information.
All right, see today, the median house in America costs $350,000, which might sound like a lot, but don't worry. You won't pay that. You'll pay twice that. And all that extra money doesn't even go to the seller, but to the bankers who probably stuff their mattresses with this stuff. But you also might pay a lot more than twice that if you want a house within an hour of any expensive city. And you'll pay even more than that if you don't have 20% of the total price inexplicably just lying around to pay with upfront, because when I read this, I thought the word in cash should be there somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah, lying around in cash. And you'll pay even more than that if you don't have 20% of the total price in cash inexplicably just lying around to pay with upfront, because then they won't trust that you're actually going to pay. Sell, charge, more interest year after year till you grow old, till you grow so old, you can't even use all those stairs you bought.
What can I say?
It's expensive being poor. But why are all these prices so high? Aren't supply and demand supposed to make sweet love and hit an equilibrium that makes sense for everyone? Well, funny story about that.
The number of people who want houses keeps rising because people have the habit of regularly being born. But at some point during the last few decades, we just stopped building new houses. We didn't run out of land, though that'll happen eventually, which is one reason maybe everyone doesn't need their own vast estate. No, we actually passed laws telling people they can't build new housing. Not just public housing, but all kinds of housing. We passed special laws saying no one can make small affordable houses or stick multiple families in the same building. That's because to the people who make the laws and already have houses, other homes are just things they get to drive past and look at. And no one likes seeing a pokey house, even if it's the only kind you could ever afford.
That's why when we sell you some dirt alongside your walls and top wall, we sell you a lot of dirt and walls and top wall. In front of this house, you have your vacant field. If you're used to apartments, you'd expect to count and treasure every square foot, but not for your house. We'll also make you buy this extra land, which you won't do anything with, and in fact, maybe legally barred from doing anything with. We'll tell you a front yard is a great place for kids to play, but they'll never actually use it. No, for that, we have a second vacant field at the back of the house.
But let's go inside. Down here, we have the basement. It's full of heating and plumbing, what's-its. And you're gonna have to learn how all of that works because that's your job now. The previous owner used to cook meth in the basement.
Two people died. One body's still there now.
Oh, speaking of, there might be some insane mold down here that could kill your family, but there also might not. Up here is the attic. Your parents filled their attic with broken-handled suitcases and boxes of moths. You'll fill yours with nothing because you don't actually have any possessions other than a laptop, earbuds, and two weeks of emergency underwear. A ghost lives in the attic.
Oh, it's not the ghost of either of the guys who died in the basement, basement. Yeah, yeah, basement's probably basement. Died in the basement. Might be a mold victim.
You should probably get this, you should probably get this place looked over by ghostbusters alongside all other kinds of inspectors you're forced to pay for out of pocket, even if you end up not buying the house. It's the only way to find out that you have moths till termites bring this place down. It's the only way to find out, it's the only way to find out that you have moths till termites bring this place down about whether the damage of wiring and plumbing will cancel each other out when the flood puts out the flames, or about the 1600 serpents living in the wall. Still, you really don't have any options unless you act now.
This place is going to be bought up on or by. Yeah, bought up on Tuesday by. This place is gonna be bought up on Tuesday by a billion dollar investment fund, or an actual home listing website.
We'll throw it right back on the market at 150% the price. So how about you make me an offer and save us all some time?
What? What is this shit? You don't have any money at all, do you? What the hell are you doing here then?
You should be watching our ad on if toilet paper were honest, since that's all you can afford. Get out of here. I will still keep contacting you though every week for the rest of your life just in case you have a friend with a neighbor with an aunt who's willing in the market for some dirt and walls and a roof. Oh, so this isn't really goodbye. Once again, I'm Roger, and I don't even need a house myself. I live on a boat.
I don't know why he put that line in there. All right, so that's really long. That's the one I love. So this one's too long.
Yeah, I'm sitting there and going, what are the visuals then? So I think being on the camera saying all this stuff was like, oh, that should be a VO. It should be a radio play staff. So here's what I think is that I think there are plenty of questions that you rhetorically ask that we could throw to somebody else to give it that visual of if you're guiding a home buyer through, and they're asking questions like, I'm just trying to think of an example of it. Like, why are all these prices so high? It's like, you're like, yeah, funny story about that.
There's a couple of things that we could definitely shave and things that we could hand to somebody else. And we could probably go ahead and start working in a couple of other rooms and stuff. I think we could take some of these jokes, like the pie joke and take that out and just say, here's the shit room or whatever, and just open to the bathroom and things like that.
So I'll mess with this one. I think this one needs a little bit more love. Yeah, I mean, it says it's only five pages long, but it's five pages with line after line after line. I'm betting this is the longest one of all of them, even though it takes less pages. Yeah, I think you're right. So I think there are definitely some things to hack out, some jokes, even just- Well, the serious info, I didn't look at it for what is repeated and what is said, but I'm guessing there's gotta be some stuff that's doubled down in here. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I'll spend some more time with this one. So I'm thinking we could talk offline about some of this, but just getting timelines and stuff. I think that's pretty much it, unless you have anything else that you wanted to cover. I have hard copy of this stuff, and I'm gonna look at this one not as an actor, but as a writer for one or two passes and see what I think about. Perfect. Because it's all really good information. Yeah, this one's pretty dense already in a good way.
All right, I wanna keep talking to you, but let's get offline. But before we do, there have been people that ask you just to say, hello? Can you just say- Hello, I'm Roger, by the way. I'm Roger, by the way.
Yeah, there it is. He acknowledged you, everyone. Thanks for watching our little, yeah, he's got the shirt, which you can buy as well if you want. But that's it.
Thanks for hanging out. Thank you folks, whoever's there, thank you. See ya. |
SaturdayNightLive | kate_mckinnon_makes_a_snl_christmas_wish | Hey, tree, what's up? haven't seen you in a while. I know you're probably fielding a lot of Christmas wishes right now, but I'd like to add one myself if that's okay. I'd really love to host Snl this week with musical guest Billy Irish. I know. I know it's a big ask, but hear me out. I've been very thoroughly cleaning my cat food cans before I recycle them.
I was in Barbie. I played the hot one. But mostly I want to host because I really miss it. I miss the stage. I miss Lorne. I miss wearing Giuliani teeth. So if you could see it in your little tree heart to grant your old friend Kate this one wish, I would be.
Kate! Kenan! Hey, what's up? we're waiting for you so we can start rehearsing. rehearsing for what? for the show that you're hosting this week. Whoa. it worked. it actually f***ing worked. you guys, I'm hosting Saturday Night Live! What's going on? Kate, did nobody tell you you were hosting? Oh, I wouldn't know. I dropped my phone in the toilet in September. it's classic Kate. |
dropout | the_secret_behind_every_actress_s_red_carpet_pose_with_rita_wilson_kris_jenner_khloe_kardashian | You cannot overstate the influence that Anita Tatum has had on Hollywood, and yet no one knows her name. She is a celebrity for celebrities.
I mean, I wouldn't trust anybody else. Before Anita, the industry was a dead fish. A lifeless, stinking husk. It's what the French would call shit.
People think that posing is just about standing, but they don't truly see. Have you ever really looked at celebrities on the red carpet? They stand the way no normal human would. Yet they make it look natural.
That's my work. My name is Anita Tatum, and I'm a luxury class body arrangement designer, or in the common tongue, a pose coach. Anita is the pose coach around town.
I mean, before she turned up, Hollywood was a mess. People didn't know where to look, how to walk. They were acting like real people. It was awful. She changed everything.
Every pose is carefully crafted to mask flaws and accentuate strengths, or, as I like to call them, reverse flaws. For instance, the truss turkey. Tucks the elbows to accentuate the breasts. The crossed ankles elongates the legs. Paired with the supplicant, it increases vulnerability. The Jennifer Lawrence, AKA, falling down the stairs.
This makes you seem more approachable. Yes? Let's move on to the more casual poses. Pushing a stroller while using your iPhone. The discreetly leaving a restaurant wearing scarf and sunglasses. Or, I don't want you to take a picture of me, but I will be sure to splay my fingers so you get a good look at my face. Today I have a very special client coming in for a new pose.
Anita! Chris! Where are you? How are you darling? So good to see you.
Chloe Kardashian is so scrutinized, so photographed, that she already makes unnatural poses look natural. And they said she didn't have any talent. So for this challenge, I've designed my greatest pose ever. I've known Anita since we were children. Even then you could tell she was drawn to posing. But then again, she comes from a long line of pose coaches. Her ancestors designed poses for King Tut, Napoleon, and even God. But all of those will look like garbage compared to her newest pose.
Today I have something that's going to make you the talk of the Oscars. Are you sure? Oh, trust me. The Oscars are my Oscars. I'm so excited. I'm a little nervous because the pose is really difficult. And plus, I'm not even nominated for an Oscar.
After this pose, she will be. It combines all the most difficult elements of the classic poses. The Jolie leg, the lean back, the kickback, the teapot handle, the teapot spout, the butt poke, the adopted baby. All at the same time. Yes, having a baby is a pose. It's perfect for people who don't know what to do with their hands. This is it.
But will this break the internet? Oh, it'll break the world.
And probably also your arms. Call McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to. Turn to page 87. |
dropout | charlie_and_the_apple_factory | The Apple Corporation has produced some of the world's most popular products, but their factory remains one of corporate America's greatest mysteries. Today, that all changes. Apple CEO Steve Jobs plays five golden tickets in random iPhone boxes, each of which grants its owner a once-in-a-lifetime tour of the magical Apple factory. Look, I'm only here to see what the hype is. My golden ticket was in my eighth iPhone, which I purchased to use as a remote control for my three Apple TVs, which I used to help with. Welcome, ticket holders.
There's little to do and much time to do it. Wait, undo that. Paste it backwards.
So, what are we waiting for? Don't you want to find out what makes Apple so special? It's full of brand new innovations. Well, what are you waiting for, everybody? Go, explore my factory. Mr. Jobs, why is everyone so obsessed with Apple? Charlie, there is a room on this tour that answers that very question, but for now we must be patient and explore.
Hey, everybody, look at me. I'm on the Internet. iPhone 5s? What do they do? Slightly better camera and it doesn't drop calls. As much. Listen, Charlie, we don't have much time.
My name is Bill Gates, and I'm the richest man in the world. I need to know what's in Apple's secret room. Microsoft makes cheaper stuff with the exact same features, but people won't buy it. Bring me the secret of Apple, and I'll give you enough Microsoft gift certificates to fill a thousand Zunes. Look, I don't even love Apple, but come on, who would want a Zune? It plays music just like an iPod. Why don't people get this? Millions of dollars in R&D, and I don't even know why do people want this one chunk of plastic over the chunk of plastic that I make. I see you found the MacBook lighter than theirs. Look, Mr. Jobs, I'm really only interested in finding out exactly why everyone loves Apple products.
Well, why didn't you say so? Come with me, dear boy.
It's empty. That's right, there's nothing that makes Apple that special.
We sell the same junk as everyone else. We just convinced everyone it comes from a magical place. Why even build the room? Our junk may be the same, but we pride ourselves on showmanship. Now, back to the factory.
We should check on the other children. Why would we have to check on the children?
Someone get me out of this thing! I don't deserve this!
Augustus, did you eat the expanding iPhone berries? No. You need to quit always staring at the screens. Stop tweeting as much as you can possibly tweet. You will go deaf playing music like that. Do you really need all this crap? You do if we say you do. |
dropout | car_designer_talk_sponsored | Brought to you by the city-friendly Toyota Prius C. Welcome to Car Designer Talk, where we ask a real car designer the questions you've always been embarrassed to ask because they're just not good questions. They're bad questions. I'm Streeter. And I own three of these. No, you don't. I don't, but I'm Pat and we're here with Stuart Reed from the Transportation Design Department at the Arts Center College of Design in Pasadena. Stuart, let me just start off with the question on everyone's mind.
Are cars going to drive themselves soon? They already are. Like, for real, though. I mean, like, I just get in and I go. Not like some Google, like, labs thing. Yeah, yeah. No, but I mean, they are. We've had a car run up Pikes Peak at speed, you know, a race right at the edge of the mountain.
With no driver.
Or is anyone working on doing away with tires? Like, I'm not saying flying cars, but, like, has any, you know, are you guys looking at, like, alternatives to round tires? Well, I mean, if you think about it, you know, when a tire is operating, it isn't round.
Oh, my God. Here he goes again. Right?
No, because, I mean, you want this contact patch with... You're like the Riddler. No, you want this contact patch on the surface, and so, as it comes around, you need a flat area. Yeah. And so, what the ground sees, it's not actually moving. It's motionless on the ground, right? Think about it. I'm not... And so, you want a good contact patch, so...
So, what shape are tires? Well, if you look at it in front view, most tires actually are much more rectangular cross-section in front view.
So, assuming you had an infinite budget, could you build a car that transformed into a robot? If you take the technology of a robot that can do all of these things and make judgments and process things and be a complex machine, a car is already way past that.
You're missing the crucial... You'd be, like, the worst there. You'd be, like, the worst person on, like, Christmas morning. You'd be like...
Yeah. Well, a fern is a lot like the ultimate action figure, because every day is an adventure for it. It's the Prius C. It's like, oh, it's the newest member of the Prius family. They always talk about families. Is there, like, one family of cars that's, like, no one wants to be around? Yeah. The clampets of the car world.
A brand becomes kind of a precious thing, because an automaker has invested so much in bringing it to the point that it is. But when the Prius came on the scene, it was a decidedly new statement. It was a new kind of a silhouette. You want it to, in some way, look different without being really weird or strange. You know, they've done an amazing job of doing something that has identified a new category of vehicle, as different from others.
How did the glove box or glove compartment get its name? From gloves. Actually, if you go back to the very earliest... You know who was the first person to wear gloves in the car, don't you? Not that so much, but... Kind of the first person who wore gloves. But the first motor cars were actually motorized carriages. You had to virtually be a strong mechanic to operate a motor vehicle. And so you needed these large leather, almost gauntlets. They were big boxes, wood boxes that you put sets of gloves in.
I got to be honest with you here. That was a joke question, and you actually knew... Like, there's actually a real answer, and now I feel even stupider.
That's all the time we have for Car Designer Talk. I'd like to thank our guest, Stuart Reed. I'm Streeter. I'm Pat, and I just also wanted to run this by you.
Triangular wheels, I think, could be a thing. I don't know if you go out and be read that by your guys. Because they're kind of triangles, like no one's ever done triangle wheels. Presumably for a reason. Yeah, because they're not forward... I mean... Because they wouldn't work. I think it's a bad idea. Also, you can't make a triangle wheel. A wheel's a circle. It's true. |
SaturdayNightLive | new_secretary_saturday_night_live | Thank you again for coming here and giving me the opportunity to pitch you some ideas for, you know, my new ad campaign. Well, as I told you, we're looking for someone to make cottage cheese sexy again. and I'm hoping you can. Well, I curd if you give me the chance. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, that was a cottage cheese joke. I'm in the cottage cheese industry.
I've heard them all. Yeah. I'm, uh, I'm sorry.
Candy? Well, let's begin. here's my first idea. So, what if?
Oh, Thomas! Thomas! Thomas, look! look at that! that's a poster. Oh, Thomas!
Succeed! Uh, uh, Trina, please.
Oh, all right. all right. All right. Oh, all right!
I'm, uh. ha, ha, ha. I'm sorry about that. Uh, so, anyway, you want to make cottage cheese sexy. listen to this. someone in a bikini eating a pile of cottage cheese, she turns to the camera, and she whispers something about calcium.
Thomas! Thomas, look! And what about it? Thomas, this is for this! ha, ha, ha.
Uh, Trina. Oh, did you see it? Yes, yes. I did. you put a cap on a pen. that's great. Oh, thank you!
Here, why don't you, um. why don't you give it to me, And why don't you go make yourself a cup of coffee? you're such a good girl. you two need a minute? No, no. no. Trina, I'll let you know if we need anything, Please just shut the door.
Oh, Thomas! Thomas, you're my boss! Yes, I am. uh, the door. Oh, Thomas.
I am so sorry for the interruptions. that will not happen again. Um. Look, I hired Trina because she's a friend of a neighbor, and he asked me to do him a favor because, you know, she's been hit several times by lightning. I understand. no need to explain.
Uh, you're just saying words now. What?
Thomas! look! it's a mouse! that's not a mouse, Trina. that's a chocolate donut hole from the break room. Oh. well, where's its tail? it doesn't have a tail. Oh, Thomas. all mice have tails. Oh, Thomas.
Trina. Trina, here's an idea. why don't you take a break now?
Oh, no. I thought it was a mouse. Oh, that's why I didn't eat the cheese. Oh. oh. I tried to learn with cheese. Oh, cheese.
Thomas. Oh, no. Thomas.
Oh, that's okay, Trina. actually, I have an idea. why don't you take the rest of the day off? Well, we can talk about this tomorrow.
Oh. all right. now? Oh. Oh. all right. Okay. Oh, Thomas. Okay. last pitch. I'm sorry. um, Thomas, is it?
Look, I have to run. So why don't you just send the proposals to my office? of course. And can you do me one favor? please don't tell anyone about Trina. I feel like I will. just being honest. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | What_is_the_PERFECT_movie_pick_for_comedian_Pete_Helliar_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Well, Pete, we have come to that time where you have got your weeklies, you've got your overnight title, your new release. Yeah. I mean, I could go home satisfied. But let's put a little cherry on top of that beautiful Sunday you've got planned for the weekend. And I'll tell you, I've been racking my brain trying to think for you a perfect customized bespoke staff pick recommendation. So I was putting everything through my frickin' brain, my soul, my aura, everything.
The common theme that kept coming up in our conversation, especially when we were talking about past lives, is this really powerful, potent idea of love. And I did not want to get rid of that. I think that was essential for me trying to come up with something for you, I hope at least. And I was trying to think, okay, what can I do? But the other thing that I found really interesting was comedic balance and maybe a bit of genre hybridity I thought would be really key. Because I think Back to the Future, it's the great genre hybrid. And Planets, Trains, and Automobiles also has this weird tension to it. And especially those opening moments of trying to get to the plane in the taxi. Those moments, it's like, oh, there's this tension there and this ticking clock feeling almost like an after hours Martin Scorsese type thing. And I kept on racking my head, what can I do to combine these things? And I remembered one of my absolute favorite examples of 1980s genre hybridity.
I'm not sure if you've seen this movie or not, but my recommendation to you is Steve D. Jarnet's Miracle Mile. Cult. Have you seen Miracle Mile? No, I have not seen this. Have you heard of Miracle Mile? No.
Well, let me tell you about it because it's kind of a movie at two points. There's a moment where there's a shift in something. And I'd be interested to see, maybe if the listener wants to skip ahead a little bit, if they don't want the thing spoiled, but I think there's lots of pleasures in going in knowing or not knowing. But I'll give you the read. After 30 years of searching, Harry has finally met the girl of his dreams. So there's like this romantic idealism in this movie. Unfortunately, before they even have a chance to go on their first date, Harry intercepts some chilling news. Pause the podcast if you don't want to know the chilling news.
He picks up a phone to make a phone call in a phone booth, and he intercepts a message that World War III has begun and nuclear missiles will destroy Los Angeles in less than an hour. That's not long. Not long at all.
So it's kind of like starts in this romantic comedy place of this idealized world in Los Angeles, this storybook meeting between these two people that I think got married after this. Like their chemistry is really powerful. I think they actually got married in real life.
They start in this world, and then things start turning to shit in like this apocalyptic way. You start seeing like the surrealism of this world start bursting out because only one person knows the world is ending. And then you kind of start slowly seeing that message come across. And it's a great LA movie because it's got this ensemble of some of the most exciting and interesting working character actors from LA at that time. And they bring this sense of joy, fear, and desperation to this film. Like if you're a Seinfeld fan, you're watching this clocking, okay, these are all the people from the diner and stuff that I'm recognizing. And it's set in a diner for the most part, and then it becomes like a nocturnal mission across Los Angeles, like this idea of survival. But what really works is, like I said, it's that mix of tones. But then there's like this bleakness, this romantic idealism that the film starts in that provides the spine of the film that kind of lets you keep on going and keep on going until whatever the ending is.
So what year was this made? 1988 this film was released. So it's got Anthony Edward, so hot off Top Gun. Okay, hot off Top Gun, yes. Hot off Top Gun. Revenge of the Nerds a few years earlier.
This is amazing. I've not even heard of this film. So this is incredible.
Mayor Winningham is the, I see, is the actress who plays Julie. Mayor Winningham, she's best known for Brothers. She pops up in Dark Waters, one of the scariest movies for me, Dark Waters from Todd Haynes.
It does for Teflon coated pans what Jaws does for sharks. I love it. This is amazing. Yeah.
So Miracle Mile, that's yours, brother. Take that home with you. Take that recommendation and hopefully it will inspire you to love a movie based on my recommendation to you. I'm sure I will. And I very much appreciate this, and I will be checking it out. And because it's a Blu-ray, I don't have to rewind it. So it's when I return it.
No, no, no. You just have to skip back. Skip back. You have to skip back.
But Pete, thanks so much for popping into the last video store and visiting me. Thanks for having me.
Well, there were too many customers during our... No, no, no. Quite vacant today. Our chat was not disrupted. As soon as you leave, I'll be sitting here twiddling my thumbs for at least six more days until the next person pops in. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Grateful_Teen_Long_Weekend_Regrets_An_Honoured_Outback_Leftie_More_April_22 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly news bulletin. We've had a lot going on in the world this week. Our newsroom has actually suffered a few COVID hurdles, I guess you should say, speed bumps. We've been one journalist down for the best part of the week in the shape of Wendell Hussey but he's told us he's broken the back of this pangolin's wrath and he is on the mend.
I'm joined today by Effie Bateman in Wendell's place. How are you Effie?
Yeah, I'm pretty good. How are you Clancy? I'm doing alright. I've already done my dance with the cough and hoping that the antibodies remain strong. How about you Errol? I'm alright mate.
I think Wendell might have that new flu-rona going around but you know as he's a little sheep and he's you know he's had four vaccinations at the moment now so I guess you know this should just be like a little throat tickle like it is for the majority of us since the start of the pandemic even started. Okay well moving on what's the first story out the gates today Effie? Alright so our first story is about a autistic teenager who has revealed he feels blessed that he never had to have a dad like Scott Morrison. Yeah this is in relation to some remarks made by the Prime Minister earlier this week during the first televised debate with Anthony Albanese. So this local year 9 student at Batuda Heights State High has responded to those comments. He said and I quote, I'm feeling blessed today that I don't have a dad like Scott Morrison. Well that sounds like he has a dad that can't balance a checkbook then. Yes yes I mean of course Morrison's comments that inspired this young fella's retort drew the ire and frustration of millions of people with plenty of high profile Australians coming out to confirm they're sick of being treated like objects of pity by people like our Prime Minister instead of being treated with the equality and fairness that's mentioned by our politicians dozens of times a day. Morrison has since apologised for the comments saying he didn't intend his ignorance to come across so blatantly.
And coming up next we've got some local news and a man sitting alone in the office on a Tuesday is kicking himself for not booking an extra leave like the rest of the country. A lone spreadsheet warrior is reevaluating his life choices this week coming to the realization that he's screwed up his ability to strategically book a combination of annual leave, mental health days, carers leave, sick leave and flex leave to turn this Easter slash Anzac Day period into a mega 14 day holiday that only teachers and drug addicts get to enjoy. Teachers and drug addicts?
Aren't they the same thing? I'm just joshing with you.
29 year old account manager Ken Phillips can't believe his own stupidity as he realises he's the only white collar employee in Australia who's working this week. Watching a six part Instagram story of his boss' trip to Fiji, Ken has admitted to the advocate that not a single email he sends today will matter.
They'll do it. We're all just pigs trapped in cages on antibiotics, working for someone who'll replace us with a pigeon or a robot the first chance they get.
And next up, an Outback lefty is honoured to have met a homosexual. Being the only bloke in town who cares about carbon emissions and the plight of refugees can be a lonely existence for an Outback small business owner like Dale Hinns. As the last man standing from a rural dynasty of labour voters that dates back to the Queensland Shearers Union, the 68 year old boot maker was forced to make a vow as a young man that he would never vote for any of these Tory villains that tried to replace his ancestors with those underpaid Kiwis and their wider combs. Yes, Mr Hinns says it hasn't been easy to maintain his progressive values in a town made up of people who are programmed to assume Indian cab drivers are Islamic terrorists. But he does believe that only ingesting news through a critical lens has given him the opportunity to see the merit in not voting for someone who believes the world is only 4,000 years old, or someone that believes women should only be allowed to leave the house to buy baby formula when their breasts run dry. And after a lifetime of being berated by his mates at the Bowls Club and emailing death threats to Andrew Bolt, this silver comrade was lucky enough to meet one of the people he spent his life advocating on behalf of. At 1.21pm last Wednesday, an oppressed minority walked into his shop. A real life homosexual. Dale told the young tourist that it was a bloody honour to meet him.
The man was just trying to find someone who could re-heal his RMs before a family wedding on Saturday night, but he appeared to respond well to the rather warm welcome he got from Mr Hinns. Yes, Dale finished up by saying that he was bloody welcome to be here in our town, and that he was bloody happy that they got it over the line in 2017 for him and his mates. A lovely story, I think, right there. It's nice to hear some heartwarming news.
And now we've got time for one more, and a local man has celebrated the return of Master Chef by jamming a peg in the door lock mechanism of the microwave, setting it to auto defrost, and then putting his head in it. Yes, a very peculiar man, Damian Rutland of Batutah Heights fame. He spoke to the advocate this morning through his singed lips, scorched gums and burnt tongue that he lamented the end of the summer of sport and that he thought he'd expedite the damage that reality TV does to your brain by simply getting it done in one night with a microwave. Yeah, he's a bit dramatic if you ask me. Now, Damian said he found it a bit absurd himself that we have shows like Master Chef or The Block on right now. Considering the state of the world and the suffering going on all over the planet, he told us, and I quote, that we're all decadent Western pigs, all of us, the world is burning, and all we care about is which washed-up recipe plagiarism is going to burn the duck, or what some man-boob-yuppie dog is going to do with the en-suite bathroom.
Charming. Yes, Damian was quite charming during this interview.
He went on to say that he watched a whole season of The Voice last year, and as a result he actually forgot how to read and write by the end of the series, which was nothing compared he said to that season of Survivor he watched a few years ago. His brain degraded to the point where he was only able to communicate by smearing his own shit on the walls and drawing crude hieroglyphics with his big toes.
Well, I'm just glad he found peace in that microwave. Sounds like he's on the right path. Yes, on the path to enlightenment or something else, Clancy. Pretty dramatic, as I said earlier, but you know, each to their own, and I'm glad he's found here, as you said, Effie, a bit of peace in this news cycle of gas and political grandstanding. It's going to be a long four weeks, but this election will be over soon enough.
Please God. Well, they build them tough in Batutah Heights. They certainly do.
Thank you for joining us this week on the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin. I'm Clancy Overall, this is Effie Bateman, Errol Parker, thank you for joining us. Thanks for joining us this week on the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin. |
cracked | presidential_election_spectacular_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with a presidential Recently, I saw President Obama doing an interview for some beekeeping blog And he did it with a selfie stick plagiarism much boom luckily I've got this dedicated internet team behind me along with cracks own Brendan Carter, right? He's an actor. He's a writer He's an editor and he's a producer. He's got his producer head on today He can't see to help us make the 2016 cracked presidential election video. Thank you, Brendan Sure, man.
We are looking for pitches. We're always down for that You know as long as you've got that cracked voice what our observation is what we can kind of glean from first idea Hillary Clinton And then we give her a selfie stick What's our observation like what are we drawing it towards well she it's about four feet away. It's like five foot long Not like not like legitimate this plan be Rand Paul Republican He's a libertarian and he's got a selfie stick because we give him one for it for a video Elizabeth Warren Chris Christie right there from across the political divide.
How are they gonna connect? How are they gonna reach? How are they gonna do it? How are they how do they do it? How do they connect?
You're gonna say with a selfie with a selfie stick pictures. Do you have a selfie sticks?
I mean, it's a long die. I don't know how to get to the end of it Jesus. Do you scroll? How do you scroll with the first off those are all essentially the same exact idea You can't just talk about a selfie stick on camera crack wouldn't run a video about somebody just talking about a selfie stick on camera But you know that right that would not that would not be a crack video at all especially not on YouTube Do you need an incredible premise to bring in a political candidate counter question in your producing? What did Ted Cruz say when you produce to him about this production? I think what was he into what would he? What do you want to do this production Ted Cruz? It's a big guy. This is the first I'm hearing of any of them. Do you know what producing actually is? I Know there's a fun book. We're sitting at about 45 minutes here and I cannot have this be a waste of my time Let's use the book presidential candidates.
Great. Yeah It's a good score Bernie Sanders Internet savvy loves reddit He's running people's candidate. He's like a Hall of Famer. That would be amazing like two black presidents in a row. That's very good I think that would be exciting connects with Detroit and and swing state. Yeah, that's that's important That's very the football Bernie Sanders is a senator from Vermont. Okay running on the independent platform independent of what? He's like he's like his own country publicans Democrats independence Fine for they both love independent. They both love this country and independence day Like you have to pick one of them.
Otherwise, you don't get to do it. Where would you be?
For this we're the book. Okay. We're gonna get something political. Yeah, yeah, we are it's gonna happen. Don't worry about that $4,000 $4,000 new guy weekly Hawaii Thanks for watching email me vote Barry Sanders He to everyone who tweeted me about the president's selfie stick in particular David Christopher Bell you helped this episode happen if any of you want to tweet me, please do it Alex Schmitty also do me a favor and Call your parents You don't do it enough. They're very nice and you might convince them to subscribe to cracks YouTube channel. We got there There's the plug there. There's the plug |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_171_Luke_Gosling_MP | Just myself again this week, Clancy Overall here. Errol has persisting symptoms, we don't think he has the coronavirus but this is the world we live in now, scratch and a cough, stay the hell home, stay away from the workplace so you'll see him, he's still writing from home but he is not coming to the newsroom or the studios for any of these interviews. So it's just me holding the fort today.
And today's guest actually, it's been a while since we interviewed a member of the political class, one of the swamp things who spends a lot of time down there in Canberra on our dollar. We've interviewed a fair range of pollies over the years but it's been a while since we've done this. Maybe it's because politicians go missing during crises in this country. We've interviewed Anne Arleigh, we've interviewed John Barilaro of New South Wales Deputy Premier fame. We've actually reached out to Chris Ofuli, our own opposition leader up here and Jackie Trad, the late Jackie Trad, voted out in Queensland, saved Anna's ass there, being replaced by the Greens. Yeah of course Michael McCormack, the former Deputy PM was one of our last federal politicians we interviewed on here. As well as a whole range of ex-politicians who are happy to talk once they're out of the top job. Christopher Pyne comes to mind, the insider.
But today's guest is a sitting politician, sitting MP from the electorate of Solomon in the top end, voted in in 2016, former ADF serviceman. Thank you for joining us today Luke Gosling MP. Great to be with you Clancy.
Now mate you are living in the true free state at the moment, we're streaming in obviously, coming to us live from Darwin. Tell us a little bit about life up there, it certainly isn't the same as life in the east coast with these snap lockdowns or in New South Wales case these never ending lockdowns. Certainly a lot better than that mate, although we did have a quick one week snap lockdown recently but we bounced out of that after a week. All the Territorians did the right thing and we find ourselves having a following week with just wearing masks around, everyone did the righty and we're free as a bird again. So we've got the Darwin Cup on this Monday coming, so the cup carnival's on.
Victoria's out of lockdown, so they had cancelled their trips to the Territory but they're on their way back in droves so we've taken a bit of a hit in that a lot of people from New South Wales aren't coming up to the Territory for their holidays but the joint is booming because we've done well with COVID and we've played that really vital national role with Howard Springs facility in getting people back from overseas as well. So every now and again we have some people come back from overseas with COVID but it's all handled out at the Howard Springs facility and then we're doing our bit to keep Australia safe. So tell me about Howard Springs because everyone talks, Howard Springs comes to mind, no one really knows what's going on out there. Some of us have seen pictures, it's a little bit of a donger set up. We kind of talk about this responsibility on the Government to provide federal quarantine facilities. We know that in Toowoomba the Wagners have been shovel ready since about December, they've got an international airport there, they could do it, they could get it done in a couple of months, they just need the Government to sign off and probably not even that much Government funding. The Prime Minister's continuing to kind of side step that one and we'll keep them quarantined in luxury hotels inside the CBD of our biggest economy. Tell us what's going on in Howard Springs, what was it and what is it, was it there before the virus and is it an old mining camp, what's going on there? Yeah so just quickly on Toowoomba, I mean that's a no brainer, there's an airport there, fly people in, get it done and the weird thing is that the Prime Minister asked for advice on how he can get quarantine right last year and he was given a report in October to say you need dedicated quarantine facilities like Howard Springs but around the country, open up more. But now we've had 28 hotel quarantine leaks, it shuts down the economy, costing the Australian economy billions so well done Prime Minister because he was given that advice, he asked for it, he was given it, he's failed to open up more dedicated facilities like Howard Springs which is, played a really important role. It's an old workers camp from the big Japanese gas facility when that was built, Impex and there was 5,000 workers out there. We're only using about 2,000 of the rooms at the moment for quarantines, flights come back from Europe, UK, India, if people come from interstate and it's where there's a lockdown, they spend two weeks there, cost $2,500 or $5,000 for a family but it has not had one leak, not one leak because it's a dedicated facility as opposed to a hotel which is not designed for quarantine. Nah nah, shared air vents don't seem to do that well, I mean they've even got a pool out there in Howard Springs, I've seen them having a dip there. Nah it's beautiful, it's beautiful, I've got friends out there at the moment, I mean it's not the best way to have a holiday in the territory but it's not like getting out into St. Uluru or out to Kakadu, the waterfalls but there is a pool, they get their ration every day to keep them going and they seem to have a good time out there, some have had too much of a good time out there, there's been a couple of little parties there but there's been no escape of the virus and I think that's the key thing, yeah what the federal government should have done a long time ago and I think they're just being stubborn is around the country there's still 30,000 or more Aussies stranded overseas, they should have been getting more of those back through dedicated facilities that wouldn't have shut down the economy.
So tell me as a military man, what are your feelings, I mean obviously you know you're from the labour camp so it is your job to kind of point out what the current government's doing wrong but coming from a military perspective, how do you feel watching this I guess rollout, vaccine rollout, just the way things are being handed in this pandemic which aren't very regiment? No, not very competent, the problem was last year to cut to the chase, the government had the opportunity to buy a heap of Pfizer, buy a couple of different types of vaccines and they could have started getting everyone vaccinated, they could have even had a public information campaign to say look everyone get vaccinated, you know we've knocked other viruses and pandemics on their head before, everyone has their vaccinations when they're a kid so they could have done that, rolled out the vaccine, had some dedicated quarantine around the country and we would have been, right as rain, we would have been leading the world by now so that's been disappointing to see, they've actually bought in a bloke called JJ Fruin who used to be posted up here in Darwin as the first brigade commander, I know him well and the government have bought him in to be the front person for the pandemic response and just think if the Health Minister and the Prime Minister had done their jobs there wouldn't have been any need for that but I'm sure you know General Fruin will do a great job and it just seems more and more these days that the government goes to the military and they've actually got a fair bit to do themselves, they've just wrapped up 20 years of operations in Afghanistan but very clearly with things in our region, in the Indo-Pacific region being pretty uncertain, they've got a lot of other things to do with their day job so whilst the Defence Force is there for national emergencies and they did a great job with the bushfires, they did a great job helping with coronavirus but I think the federal government if it could work a bit more cooperatively with all the states regardless of whether they're Labor or Liberal or whatever then I think we'd be doing a lot better than we are and of course we hope that New South Wales can get things sorted as quickly as possible get the economy back on track but time will tell whether they were able to do that or not. Tell me as a former serviceman, I mean you ended up in Darwin like a lot of military men and women do, it's a big army town, you ended up there through your work with the ADF and found yourself in politics and remained there, tell me just harking back you know pre-politician to your time in the ADF, how does it make you feel when you see the army just you know that term being thrown around like a toy that the Prime Minister can throw when things are grim you know the army was brought into the bushfires without any consultation of the New South Wales government, the army was offered to this and you know like as you said Indo-Pacific as well as whatever's wrapping up in the Middle East there's a lot of stuff for the army to be doing and they probably I guess you'd say it's not actually commonplace for a Prime Minister just be able to throw them around like that for climate or just disasters in general or public health episodes. Yeah no you did right and I think the Prime Minister there's no doubt that he's using the military in a way that's unfortunate of course they're there as servants of the people whenever they're needed but yeah they've got an important role to do to do all the training that they need to do for when they're needed to defend the country and defend our interests wherever that may be whether it's in our region or further afield so I think he's used them as a bit of a crutch to try and back up his own leadership failings and it'd be good if he stopped doing that and just let them crack on with all the all the important training and exercises like they're doing at the moment up in Queensland and across the north because we've got to be training with our partners and allies so they were ready for whatever comes next. How did you find yourself as a member of the Labor Party I'll ask you that I mean I don't think the ADF is viewed from a ground level in Australia as being particularly partisan to anything the last war Australia kind of took part in was you know under a Liberal government you yourself spent all that time moving around and overseas and in Australia at what point did you realize the Labor Party was the party for you before you you know then went and joined it and got elected for the Labor Party? Yeah it's funny like when you're in the military I was in the army and you don't really think about politics at all I always voted Labor I just sort of had a gut feeling I wasn't from a political family but I just had a gut feeling coming from a big family with not much money around that they're always looking after people you know that might've been doing it hard or looking after people making sure they got an education and good health care and then when I got out of the army and started working overseas and seeing a bit more how society worked because you're in kind of in a bit of a bubble when you're in the military and you're just doing your own thing you're training hard you're really proud to be serving the nation and then when you get out you're just starting to look around society a bit more and you just things struck me as being not that fair and I kept meeting good politicians particularly when I was over in team war both with the army and I started up a charity over there and the good politicians I was meeting they were all Labor and I just it grated on me when I did see coalition people policies just didn't sit right with me so I thought well I want to be part of the future leadership of the country I'll back myself to do a good job but I wanted to contribute so I joined the party and I worked in different places doing different things I worked in indigenous health after the army working with people in society on the on the fringes a bit and sort of yeah I worked for a couple of companies as well doing health health services I had a bit of bit more of a sense of what was good in society what was could be improved and I just felt really comfortable with labor because I reckon we've got the the right balance it's that comfortable with me I'm from a family that believes in social justice there's not a day that goes by that I regret my decision to join the Labor Party I've been in the party for about 17 years or so now in my just about to come up to my third so I'm a fourth election I've ran the first time in 2015 and lost by about 700 votes but yeah dusting myself off and said no I think this is important particularly for Darwin because we're the capital of the north and we're such a big defense town but we're also a city that's basically in our region we're in Southeast Asia you know it's we're a lot closer to places like Singapore, Denpasar, Dili and East Timor than we are to Melbourne and Sydney, Canberra even so takes me 10 hours to get to Canberra I can get over to Bali and in two and a half or so so we're in the region we're engaged with the region and I just thought it was really important that we had someone who was going to fight for Darwin and fight for the north so I ran again and won in 2016 won again in 2019 so this election yeah really looking forward to you know getting some more responsibilities in our federal labor lineup I am the only veteran in our lineup and I'm hoping that's going to change at the next federal election because there's obviously a lot I can contribute to when it comes to Northern Australia policy, Indo-Pacific policy, defense, veterans and yeah just really eager to get this next election over the way out of the way I reckon federal labor can form the next federal government yeah Darwin is will be looked after well by me if I can say so humbly.
Like is that the feeling up there in the top end I mean it must be for some time now it's an Asian city is that the feeling on the streets do you find at least in the political end of town? We're a tropical city and yeah to some to some extent you're right we're an Asian city but we're also an outback city you know what I mean so we had the show on the weekend and the Royal Darwin show in 1986 is when I first fell in love with this joint yeah mum and dad packed eight of us kids up into a in or high a spam with a trailer on the back and they took us out of school and around Australia for over three months and I remember rocking into Darwin after coming up the track after seeing Uluru and and some of the Lichfield and you know Kakadu and we started caravan park near the Royal Darwin show and we didn't have much cash we're living on sandwiches but mum and dad want us want us to see our nation and and it was such a good time but so yeah we jumped the fence into the Royal Darwin show just ran around and Darwin has that mix of yeah we support all the agriculture aquaculture you know the cattle stations the indigenous entrepreneurs that are now out there on land they're using their land for carbon credits they're getting into aquaculture and there's a bright future for the territory as the different mines come on on board as well for some of those critical minerals that we really need so all of that and Darwin's a hub of that so we're and we've obviously got a port that in my view should never have been obviously sold but we've got a port that connects us to the region we've got an airport that connects us to cities from Manila through to Singapore Malaysia Bali East Timor and everywhere in between so we are we are very much in our region and the tropical feel it's not Singapore because we haven't got that that much high-rise but it's got that kind of calm vibe and it's got the wet season and the dry season so it's got that lovely mix of torrential rain and every now and again there's a massive cyclone so everyone's got to be prepared for that every year but we love the monsoonal rains we love our dry season that we just got at the moment and Darwin festival just about to start where it's perfect weather every day so yes it's hot but you definitely know when you get off the plane at Darwin Airport that you are in the tropics yeah and you are in the region when you get off that plane because you the warmth hit you and when you go to our markets you can just eat any type of Asian food that you'd want to and you see it around the streets where the most multicultural place in Australia and a big percentage of that multiculturalism is our First Nations so you've got people that have lived here the Larrakia people for millennia and you've also got people the young from Arnhem Land because this is the base that services the rest of the territory so you see all sorts and and we just love it that way I want to talk a little bit about you said you worked you know you know indigenous health and education they're currently got a labor NT government at the moment and Michael Gunner I find the Northern Territory is an interesting one because NT labor particularly doesn't necessarily align immediately with federal labor right now Gunner's copping a lot of flak you know there's the issue of jail not bail you know you know indigenous incarceration of indigenous kids what are your thoughts on some of these socio-economic issues that that you know everyone points to the territory when they want to highlight they exist in towns all around Australia but the territory does have you know some pretty alarming rates what are your thoughts and and what do you think you can bring it to a federal level regarding a lot of these issues yeah I mean I'm I'm not an expert but I have I had the privilege of working out in Arnhem Land with young little soldiers as part of Norforce and that was an incredible experience when you're out on country with those Aboriginal Australian soldiers you kind of get their connection and it's amazing their connection with country their knowledge of country the way that they're held in their community and the difference that they make by leading by example a mate of mine Timmy Duggan he's got a great program called hoops for health so again I'm not an expert but I've been into Don Dale into that detention center that a Royal Commission was launched over and I've spent time there talking to the kids playing a bit of basketball with the kids at that time there was one non-indigenous kid in there but generally they're all Aboriginal kids they're kids that have found themselves in in detention because of repeat offenses unfortunately with the new bail laws it looks like there'll be more kids in going through that process but what we've got to do and the Northern Territory government has already implemented most of the recommendations of that Royal Commission into into youth detention in the Northern Territory they've received no financial support from the feds to to build a new facility we've got a situation where you've got kids Aboriginal kids that some of them have committed bad crimes some of them just repeat offenders where they've been put into Don Dale and there is education in there while they're in detention but the whole aims got to be not to have them go into detention in the first place and to do more do more diversionary work so I think that's why we've got to focus more and the NT government's moving that way the other thing we've got to do those we've got to lift this age of criminal responsibility which at the moment is 10 I mean that is did you see ten-year-olds in Don Dale did you see kids that age in yeah I saw I saw young kids in there that shouldn't have been in there no NT government's responsible for law and order they've got a responsibility to keep people safe so obviously no one wants to see people broken into having their stuff stolen assaulted by kids but it's a small amount of kids and if we put more effort into those kids and those families like we're starting to do then we'll find that these kids aren't recycling through that process because at the moment all we're doing and what we found with the detention center human rights abuses that went on there against some of these young kids is that we've been setting up these kids for a life going into the adult job after youth detention and basically spent their lives are gonna being continually incarcerated and you know people talk about the the first thousand days and early childhood education and I think they're long-term fixes but the short-term fixes have got to be that we spend more time on the families keeping them out of detention in the first place we lift the age of criminal responsibility so that we can work with the young kids not get them into the criminal justice system at that early age where they just learn potentially how to be better criminals and we've got to have a bit more understanding that there's so many social determinants and the history of intergenerational trauma that's led to the situation where these kids have got no support that's another thing I want to talk to you about the intergenerational trauma you know obviously not specific to Aboriginal communities but when it does come to Aboriginal communities you can almost point to government policy that's caused a lot of it what do you say to the pearl clutches and they do exist I mean Darwin's a wild town Alice is a wild town but they're also full of a lot of pearl clutches you know what I mean a lot of people that would just rather see kids go to jail than to even take a minute to understand you know why this kids walk in the streets at night and part of your job is making the tough decisions how do you how do you explain that to to your constituents yeah no I was fronted about it yesterday in a coffee shop about you know what we're doing in federal labor the unfortunate thing about federal labor is we keep losing elections we've got First Nations policy ready to go that will transform relations between First Nations Australians and non-Indigenous Australians it will revolutionize it right from work opportunities out in the communities going back to more a CDEP program that we used to have where there was work on communities where there was those opportunities for education and advancement into work which makes a massive difference but also the really foundational stuff from the Uluru statement like agreement-making processes which are absolutely vital but also Makarrata bit of truth-telling now I think one of the things that's needed so that we can all move forward as a country is just acknowledge that our history and you know there's massacres have occurred all through the territory but the reality and stolen generation and I'm working with some stolen generation here in Darwin who still haven't been compensated that history has an effect on the future generations we need more people to be understanding and empathetic about that now it's I'm not saying something controversial to say the current federal government has got a problem with empathy I mean they're people do things unconscionable things and then get sent off to empathy training that's not their strong suit but what I would say with an incoming federal labor government is that because I think we're a bit more representative and we've got a number of First Nations Australians in our in our mob Pat Dodson, Malindira McCarthy Linda Burney and hopefully more after Malindira McCarthy from here in the territory and more after the next federal election is that there's more of an understanding about how we're going to continue a process of moving forward together and supporting First Nations people but just bringing the rest of society along with us and understanding the effects of intergenerational trauma and social determinants of health i.e. those things in society that lead to a greater likelihood of poor mental health, youth suicide, unemployment, addictions you know let's face it addictions aren't just a problem in First Nations community so I think I'd like to see from people that leaders in our community get on the front foot and just explain a bit more how our society will be better off we'll spend less money on health and in the criminal justice system if we make the investments to have better well-being and I think regional Australia is going to have a resurgence places like Darwin and the Northern Territory are going to have a resurgence on the back of COVID because people are realizing that whilst we have our challenges it's a great place to live and generally people have better well-being i.e. they're happier they're not as stressed as people are in the big cities and one of the stresses that's starting to happen in Darwin at the moment and it's a big problem in remote communities is housing. Housing is a drama all around the country here and you can't find someone to live in Darwin at the moment. Rents have gone up 22% we haven't got enough affordable housing so that's what I'd like to see you know the federal government get more engaged in is helping young Aussies doesn't matter what background they're from get into their first house help them get on their way to home ownership and a bit more affordable housing that's just not as greedy as the current setup and I think when people start thinking on the other end of this crisis about what we want Australia to look like we'll have more people hopefully engaged in the solutions that we need whether that be with First Nations issues or issues out in Western Sydney or wherever they may be you know if we are really all in this together then we need to you know start making sure that whether you're a multinational company that pays no tax or someone who's on minimum wage that's trying to get into the housing market are we really all in this together we need to make that a reality and yeah that's I guess what I'm focused on and you know just I can only talk for our mob but we've got a 10 billion dollar housing fund and if we if we get the confidence of the Australian people after the next election we'll kick that into gear and that'll be better for people not just in regional Australia but in the cities as well. One criticism that Labor copped after the last election loss to the Night Watchmen a shock election loss actually on the on the eve of the death of Bob Hawke but there was a lot of criticism that perhaps Bill and Labor you know Labor in general had forgotten what the middle class looked like a lot of the policies and which have all just been ditched actually you know I'm not ignoring that as well a lot of those policies have been ditched the unpopular ones but you know there is a you know a feeling that Labor had gotten to a point where they're looking at an ivory tower and kind of looking back to 20 years ago as to what the middle class looked like where they thought everyone looks like Kath and Kim driving a you know Holden Barina and supplementing their income with a Tupperware party you know what I mean and there are a lot more people that exist in that middle now who you know do have assets and do and are very still very economically you know anxious but aren't reaping any any of the benefits of the policies that came through at that election how do you reconcile you know and I'm sure you've seen it and and I'm sure you have no problem bringing it up that you do see you know people running around whether they're elected or working as staffers who haven't really lived the life that labor labor is trying to advocate for you know what I mean you've got a lot of university comrades maybe pack shelves while they're at Sydney University but they actually kind of detached from the working man a lot of chinos with no socks if you know what I'm saying yeah I'm hearing you yeah it's a it's a frustration of mine I guess I think yeah when people say that our labors gone away from our roots I don't think we can dismiss it entirely because and I've noticed actually in our pre selections for this upcoming election you've got some people have got a life of working behind them but there's no doubt that there has been a bit of a political class that did uni politics and into local government or straight in a working as an advisor for a federal MP which mind you I did that after the military and I saw it as an apprenticeship before running for politics but it was kind of on the back end of 13 years serving the nation and and working in indigenous health and working in the charity sector and working in health services so I was I kind of felt like you know I've got some life experience and everyone has different life experiences and people who are in inner city particularly down and sorry particularly Melbourne and Sydney they might really reflect their communities but they also need to be very aware that around this country there are a whole bunch of Australians that don't fit into that inner city suburban mold and I get I reckon that's why you know elbow has spent so much time out in the regions over his career because I think that's where people can and we do in the territory from from time to time particularly recently feel like they're forgotten and you know no Australian government is worthy of government if they're leaving any part of the country behind I reckon we now federal labor get becoming much more representative of people around that around the country I'd like to see us win more regional seats and I think we will see that at the next election but we've got to ensure that we are reflecting and we are we've got yeah we're we're much more multicultural we've got a 50-50 split with blokes and women in our team so I'm really comfortable in the direction that we're going but I think we did need to have that adjust because we were yeah not looking like we represented the whole country yeah it was kind of a little bit of a in in the wake of Hillary Clinton anyway there was a there was a lot of kind of parallels that could be drawn so you think Albo has addressed the the fact that you know maybe it is worth putting a few blokes with you know who have goatees in in as candidates as opposed to you know kids with the with the undercut and the and the khaki suit absolutely heaven forbid you know someone with a tattoo yeah yeah bit of facial hair or you know someone who yeah might have said something that they regretted on Facebook ten years ago yeah yeah whatever but yeah let's keep it real because we we you know we face real challenges in the future it doesn't matter whether it's taken our economy to less carbon reliant you know the First Nations issues that we've talked about but real big security issues of the Alliance our relationship with China and that's what Darwin is so important too because we are the forward operating base for the nation we've got the best relationships with our neighbors I've spent a lot of time going in and out of Indonesia even right at the start of COVID trying to help them with with their response and as soon as we can we need to get back in there again because our neighbors to our North are just so vital to our future security and prosperity and they're our friends and we should be helping them a hell of a lot more than we are and one thing I've been saying recently is because the government has just ruined the whole narrative around AstraZeneca for example we have got millions and millions and millions of AstraZeneca shots that in September are going to expire now if we're not going to going to use those if we're not going to be able to get them into Aussie arms by September when they expire I mean that is criminal so we need to be getting them over to our neighbors because for example with AstraZeneca the CSL factory in Melbourne they're pumping out a million doses of AstraZeneca a week so we can get fresh stuff to Aussies but before the stuff that's going to expire expires let's get it in to help Indonesia let's we could we could vaccinate the whole of East Timor for example and let's face it we should be doing the righty by them after how things have rolled since our intervention in InterFET and look there's a lot more with PNG that we could be doing as well and they're facing a lot of challenges so and in the Pacific so we face some really big challenges with the emergence of China as a more authoritarian and with President Xi with you know clearly a more aggressive stance by him there's some big challenges we need to face in the future and we need robust discussions we need people with life experience that can really be in touch with our community and make sure that we're doing everything we possibly can to counter threats like cyber and the other threats that we're going to have biosecurity threats into the future so that we maintain the safety and security of Australians and also the prosperity that it's going to mean that my kids you know and Australians all around the country they've got a great country to keep living in for millennia or at least centuries to come I want to talk now I mean you're talking kind of yeah you do have a kind of world aspect that that's the Darwin thing we've spoken about it before you know looking north and of course your military service want to want to talk now a little bit about some of the operations we've been in over the years and you know the state of which we've left some of our friends starting with with Afghanistan we spent a lot of time there 20 years 20 years how do you feel now about the parachute of the you know pulling the consulate out as quick as we did you know it was it was almost a weak turnaround what are your thoughts on what's going on over there right now well it sent a really bad message to people in Kabul and a mate of mine from army days he's now working in a different capacity over in Kabul and he was just saying it it went around Kabul that news and it was like a kick in the guts that that Australia it just pulled the pin and just left after 20 years so quickly and with so many Afghanis that helped us as interpreters as security guards that protected the lives of DFAT staff, AusAid staff and obviously our soldiers saved the lives of many of our soldiers and we sort of you know gave a handful of visas out and said now see you later good luck with the Taliban taking your country over again so I've been very outspoken about that and a lot of veterans are very pissed off that we haven't done that a lot better we're not talking about large volumes of Afghanis here either we're talking about people have been vouched for by Australians that have been through all the security checks why more of them aren't being taken out they don't even necessarily come to Australia but I'm on the record of saying that you know they're welcome here in Darwin will provide a home for these people who you know saved our soldiers lives but we're not talking about big numbers they've been security checks so yeah so so it's all happened they've been security check they've been vouched for what's the hold up what do you think the government's avoiding here what why they why are they just treading water what why isn't just been signed off in the dark yeah well that's a question that I'll be asking again in in Parliament next week as with a lot of others because and you know I've got to say even people like John Howard he's come out and said we should be doing the right thing getting these people out now obviously he was the Prime Minister we went in in the first place but there's been a lot of PMs during that time and we've shed a lot of blood and treasure in that country and people in my electorate it's rare that someone here in Darwin wouldn't know someone who served in Afghanistan the majority have come back and kicked on with life but there are many others that have struggled and a lot of them to be honest mate have struggled with the moral injury that's occurred through the service and through not being able to intervene in certain situations obviously there's been some acts by a very small amount of our soldiers that we can't be proud of but the overwhelming majority of Australian soldiers served there in an exemplary way and they're now going hang on what was that all about so to answer your initial question we shouldn't have pulled out all so not so moral injury sorry I'll just get moral injury you're not talking about survivors guilt or you're talking about a whole different thing there that people have feeling now looking back at at the country yeah and survivors guilt is part of moral injury you sustain that that injury and I think there's a lot of PTSD that's actually misdiagnosed as the moral injury that people have had because of an experience they've had something they've seen you know something they've witnessed maybe through the you know the the Afghan military or extradition killings but also that that deep feeling of whether people back home understand what I'm doing where the people back home know that my mate was just killed where the people back home understand and I'm not sure even myself you know why I'm here so those feelings of a soldier or sailor or an aviator that have all served over there during that time and then what I fought against really hard recently was then we're going to take a meritorious unit citation off you because of the sins of a very small amount of you I mean that's just nuts and I'm glad that that's been overturned but there's a number of moral injuries I think and the problem that pulling out so hard and fast leaving the Afghans who saved Australian lives behind and just sort of being seen to wash our hands of it that's not good we shouldn't have pulled out all our diplomats we shouldn't have pulled out all our military advisors we need to be as well as we can helping as a member of the international community the transition as the Afghan national government now tries to work out how they can live with the Taliban one how they can stop the Taliban for taking over the whole country if that's possible and two how they're going to navigate this minefield of big powers you know the Russians and their interests the Chinese and their interests the Pakistanis and and their interests it's a difficult future for that country and it's in a shocking message for us to cut and run like we did well so we're not we're not detracting at all from from the work you know the soldiers did over there but do you get the feeling that this is going to happen again in 20 years you know unfortunately I think it's pretty much inevitable that yeah Al Qaeda is there is coming back the the people that were there to get rid of so it wouldn't be a haven for more September 11 style attacks so unfortunately for Afghanistan their war-torn future will unfortunately continue but you know I'd like to be an optimist optimistic in life I think one thing that our people can be really proud of is there's now more young women for example who have had an education it's a more educated populace it's a more internationally connected populace and I think that even though young people might might see a future at the moment I might leave I think they're going to be a bit more resilient and and supported hopefully and that's why I think we shouldn't have pulled all our people out when it comes to dealing with life with the Taliban without us and other allies in support what are your thoughts on the imagine you're working alongside of it a lot of the stuff kind of Jackie Lambie's been spooking are you working with Jackie on anything in regards to the treatment and support for our veterans yeah a hundred percent but I'm fourth generation Australian veteran you know my my mum's grandfather was gassed on the Western Front pop served in World War two and you know live with the effects of that war and his son my dad was conscripted now Western suburbs kid from Melbourne conscripted as a lot of them were to go over to Vietnam so I served I think partially because I think you know serving our nation is an honorable thing to do but you definitely take yeah you take the effects of your service with you into life whether that be physical I've got a metal hip from an injury when I was serving in Timor I didn't serve in the army in Afghanistan I served there in southern Afghanistan in security roles and I visited Afghanistan on a number of times since then working on election elections as a as an election observers I've seen that that country and the transition it's gone through but there's no doubt that accumulation of that overseas service whether it be in or out of uniform does have an effect so many of our soldiers have been dishonored soldiers sailors and aviators have been dishonored by a veteran support system that wasn't doing everything they could to help so a Department of Veterans Affairs system that put so much of the onus on the individual to prove that they've had an effective service that's had a you know a really bad effect on them and their ability to transition into life after the military we all know that it's a difficult transition but unfortunately when we had so many suicides many many more suicides than we had lost in action in Afghanistan Iraq and other places the system was letting our Patriots who served our country as volunteers ambassadors for our country overseas just let them fall through the gaps and and and let them deteriorate to such a stage that they took their own lives now that's why with Jackie and others we fought so hard for the Royal Commission and what we then fought for was for it not to be a whitewash but for it to have a really good terms of reference so that it looks at the whole system from recruiting all the way through the life of a veteran and their family so that we support the families more and and these recommendations whoever the federal government is have got to be implemented and yeah I take my hat off to Jackie and people like Heston Russell is a fellow commando who you know really put the pressure on government as as we have to fix the system and the Royal Commission is an important part of us getting those recommendations that's going to fix the system means that when our men and women go off again to war as they will in the future that we look after a much better and and that's our duty and that's a responsibility we take really seriously it's not just falling through the cracks though is it it's you know I'm on the piss with some army boys up in the Gold Coast not long ago you know that all served then they're telling stories about you know just in a group of five or six of them they're telling stories of blokes you know getting phone calls from the government telling them oh we've accidentally overpaid you on your on your on your pension you know to the sum of ten twenty thirty grand imagine being already on the brink and getting that phone call you know twenty thirty grand in debt how how is it such a mess yeah it's a good question and you think we would have learned after Vietnam you know that and I think the ex-service organization sector it's got a big role to play and I'm really looking forward to the recommendations that come out of the Royal Commission now we can have those ex-service organizations better supporting individuals on a one-to-one basis a really human contact basis because that's when veterans do better when they got their might to understand what they've been through like you know in touch with them and talking them through the process helping them through the process and basically you've got a whole bunch of Vietnam vets mainly advocates around the country you've been helping these contemporary soldiers sailors and aviators get what they should get anyway from the Department of Veterans Affairs in terms of you know a card to make sure their health care is covered their mental health care is sorted they've got their support from their local ESO's and it just the Department of Veterans Affairs grew a culture where if you hadn't filled out all this paperwork and if you hadn't done X Y and Z then they would just not give you any benefit of the doubt or even help you as much as they could to do the paperwork so that and to get through the process so you get some financial stability but also to have someone out there that's that you think is caring for you as a former service person to get through now don't get me wrong there's some great people in DBA but their processes just become so antagonistic to the veteran that a lot of veterans too many way too many lost hope that they were ever going to be supported and from the Gold Coast Jesse Bird is a good example and Karen Bird his mum has been fighting hard to for for reform of DBA in this space because you know he kept on coming into contact with people that should have been helping him and eventually he was so depressed that he took his own life and that I think was part of a turning point where people realize that you know there's something seriously wrong here yeah you see a lot of that as a local member you see a lot of people whether they're veterans or they're having troubles with Centrelink or another another government agency where it's become too impersonal because we've cut the jobs and don't even get started about cuts to the Australian Electoral Commission that saw out of a hundred and fifty thousand Territorians forty thousand not vote at the last Northern Territory election we've got the worst enrollment rates in the country we've got the worst voting rates in the country so the current federal government cut the staff of our Australian Electoral Commission from 15 people to three people now what do you reckon some of those 15 people did was their job to go out educate in particular Aboriginal Territorians about the electoral system help them to get on the roll help them to know what elections and the voting system and how it all works and their voice they cut that team out of the territory sent it to Brisbane and said oh they can do that work from Brisbane you know which is obviously not happening so we've got record numbers of Aboriginal Territorians are just disenfranchised and haven't got a vote and they're getting fined are they getting fined for not voting I imagine they are as well it's it's not it's not good and it needs to improve and you know you know putting staff back into our public services in critical areas so yeah putting the human back into human services is something that I reckon needs to happen as does decentralization you know there's no reason why we shouldn't have part of the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade a part of it up here in Darwin engaging with our region there's no reason why part of the National Indigenous Australians Agency most of the people in Canberra there's no reason why we can't have more of those public servants up here in Darwin either closer to the coal face in the regions the regions will do better Canberra will have more of an idea what's going on well the one question you're going to get from Canberra is what's the coffee like up there mate I think that's the that's the crux of the issue stellar alright we can move a few of the bureaucrats up there then um thank you for joining us today made it it was a good yarn it was it was a good insight to see where labors at you know in 2021 yeah Luke Gosling MP thank you thank you for your service and thank you for talking to us today thank you Clancy has been a great chat mate and I love your show and more people should listen to it and I'll do my best thanks my say everyone |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_152_Troy_Cassar_Daley | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of The Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooda Advocate radio show, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of The Batooda Advocate and of course, Errol Parker, editor-at-large, how are you Errol?
Good mate, very good day here in the diamond team, not a cloud in the sky for once. Yeah, finally got rid of that rain, it's just been, it's been driving us mad. But I tell you what, all those London plane trees down there in the old city, the leaves are starting to turn. Yeah, yeah. Seasons are changing. It's going to, yeah, going to get a bit cooler over the next few months. Speaking of cool, today we have a guest that we have been trying to tee up a time for a little while now, so we're very excited.
He's known by a couple of names. One, the Bundjalung Falcon was one prominent nickname that was, you know, bequesting him up there in Grafton.
Oh yeah, we've got TCD, Troy Casadelli. He came back from the city, I said, cuz, where you been? He said, brother, I've been living on a wire.
One of many songs I'm going to break into throughout this interview, I reckon. You might, maybe, maybe I'll be the rambling man, that's, that's where we're at.
Troy, thank you for joining us today. It's good to see you boys, and like I say, thanks for the intro. Bundjalung Falcon has stuck, thanks to you fellas, and when I went up to my auntie's 60th, they were going, the Bundjalung Falcon, eh? That was the first question I got at the P.O. hotel. Thank you very much.
Yeah, well, you know, it's, you've kind of lived a life of Falcon and, you know, Bundjalung as well, Maltese, Koori Mann. You must have a lot of cousins on both sides then. Oh man, it's like, my mum was one of nine, my dad was one of 13, and I've probably got more first cousins than football teams in Sydney. It's been amazing to see how hard it is to keep up now with their kids. It's okay with my mum's side, because I grew up there, but, you know, with my Maltese side, they've all gone on and had mobs of kids, so it's, yeah, weddings and that are very interesting, they all come up to talk to Uncle Troy, and I don't know who they are. Are they like the Greeks and Maltese, where they're kind of, all the kids have got the same names as their uncles? Pretty much, yeah, or their dads, you know, it's all part and parcel of it, but yeah, there's a lot of L.A.'s, a lot of L.A.'s.
So can you tell us, where did you first feel country music? Was it living down in Sydney, Redfern, Surrey Hills, or was it up the North Coast? Look, it was a bit of both. Mum and dad broke up when I was tiny, so I was between Sydney and Grafton a lot, and mainly it was a train trip for me in the old days with my mum, she dropped me off to dad. Both of them, thankfully, dad had this incredible old HG panel van with an incredible, what are they, something, triple eight, or whatever they call them, like a cassette thing in Tape deck, and just incredible music on both sides. Mum was playing all the Merle Haggard and Seam Dusty up on the North Coast, and dad was playing like Hank Williams and all these incredible Everly brothers and stuff. So I felt country, though, I think when I really got to love Merle Haggard, that was that was the moment where I sat by the record player and had a bit of a shitty day.
And I thought to myself, wow, this fella is telling my story. What's the pathways for a young bloke, you know, coming through country? Because at that time, you'd look at, you know, the big hitters. We went and met some Dusty's family the other day, and they basically kind of came from almost a circus environment, the way they got the ball rolling with country music. They were on the road, they were setting up, they were bumping in, they were bumping out. Was it was it the same for you?
Oh, no, look, I think my path was really pretty much based on the North Coast, didn't do a lot of traveling. As far north as we'd go would be Casino, Lismore, possibly. And as far south, we'd go more Tarri.
That's about it. That was our border.
And I think we were all into playing music. My cousins all played guitar, we all went to the same guitar teacher. But my path was really about the covers bands, playing Johnny Cash songs, playing a lot of the Eagles in America. A lot of Guri people love Credence Clearwater and Eagles and stuff. So we were drawn to all that music. So we were either sitting around a fire having some beers playing, or we're on the road with a small band and a really bad PA trying to make things work. We melted little PAs at gigs, like the Golden Dog at Glenray. So that was our big start. And we rang our guitar teacher and said, look, something's going on with your PA.
Because it was only a four channel and there was smoke coming out of it. And we cooked it. And she said, Did you have everything plugged into it? We went, Yeah. She said, That's probably why. And it smelled weird. Just I don't know what it was that was cooking in there, but it wasn't. Electrical fire.
So you're obviously a Mad South Sydney fan.
Close one. Close one last night.
Totally, yeah. Is that something that followed you up? Because we talk about it, we interviewed Latrell not long ago, and he said that Bunnies things well and truly alive in Tarri, the following's all the way up there. So you didn't really have to worry about leaving Redfern, that was still. Well, it was on both sides.
My uncle that lives over off Cleveland Street, he has a shrine in his shed. And he's my godfather. And when your godfather gives you his little key chain of his membership that year in 1971, you are in the family whether you like it or not. And I love him to bits. And he's one of the last uncles I've got left on my dad's side.
And that's where it sort of started in Redfern, of course, what a better place to start.
But then when I got home, I had an Uncle Bunny, his nickname was Bunny because he, barrack for the bunnies. Bunny daily. And Uncle Bunny was, he always wore the colours.
And he was a big influence on all of us, of course. So whenever we had a jersey to wear to any footy games, when we weren't playing footy for our school or the team, we had our bunnies jersey on. So it was just, you know, ingrained.
And I've loved them for years. And just an amazing old club.
I'm glad that we're able to get back into the comp. We all went to that same old fundraiser when we got booted out. It was devastating. It was like losing family members when you got a team that's been booted out of the comp.
But you know, all the people in the teams from all around Sydney that went there to support it as well as Rusty and everyone else was just such a fantastic way to do it. That's something people don't often mention that much. That big march they had too, 100,000 people. A lot of them weren't strictly bunnies fans. They were just league fans that loved what they represented. There was at the front, I remember on the TV, then they had a bunch of some blokes from the Bulldogs were up the front.
Yeah. Well, you know, how good's that?
I mean, the arch enemies. And yet everyone's pulling together. But on the night to have Ray Martin and Andrew Denton, all the known fellas.
But you know, it was really wonderful to see the teams. Each team bought a table. And I thought that was pretty cool. They stay auctioned off the bill that started the first game for a lot of money. And Russell bought that and then donated it back to the club.
Yeah. You know, and then they rang it before Grand Final 2014. That's right. You fly down to that one?
I tell you what, I was in Brisbane. I was on Strati watching it on the biggest TV I could find because I'd been in real trouble with my wife. And she said, you're not flying down there. I said, come on. She said, we're watching on the TV with the kids. So I was blind.
Yeah. And barracking. And I can tell you, I think the whole of Stradbroke Island heard of me. The whole Quandamook and Mob would have heard the wildest black fella you've ever heard barracking for football. And, you know, we all are pretty wild. Not only rabbit us, but league fans. Yeah. So it's been and I love the indigenous game that happens up on the coast. My young fella took his girlfriend. Yeah, right.
And she's not indigenous. And she'd never been to a footy game where people barrack around her.
Yeah. And it wasn't the someone scoring a try. A fight had broken out. Yeah. In the stands. And everyone stood up like those bloody what are those little meerkats? And she's going, what's going on? What's going on? I think it's a fight. And then she got to experience the try. Yeah. Like, she saw another level of just craziness.
Yeah, yeah, no, it's great. That's great.
You get around those knockouts or the carnivals. You ever seen seen one of them in action? Oh, yeah, I used to go to them all the time when I was younger too. And we're coming through the ranks in our little cover band thing.
I never was working. So we'd always get into a knockout.
The most memorable one I've been to was Nanbucker. Nanbucker heads and the local KFC closed.
And there was a riot. There was an actual riot.
It's like what happened in 2019 and in Dubbo that the KFC they ran out of chicken. And the bloke who owned it was calling up all the other ones like over in magic in Bathurst, Orange.
Does anyone have any chicken I can buy? Because I got to open these doors in three hours. And if I don't have any chicken, I'll be in trouble.
There's going to be a bad, bad vibe. Yeah, too many, too many families.
He got there in the end though. Yeah. He came through. Midnight express.
So when did you meet slim? I first met slim before he would have realized I was going to be playing country music. I was only a young fella in Tamworth.
Yeah. And met him in a signing line. So he did an install. And every time slim did an install, it was like you'd get, you know, 4000 people in a shopping center somewhere. So he then signed for about four hours after he did four or five songs from his new record. And he had to cut it off. Yeah. And I was thankful I was in the middle of the line. I waited for two hours. Yeah. And I got to say G'day and get the record that he was that he was released and signed.
But then I met him properly at a place called Carlton Hill in West Australia. In the Kimberley.
Yeah. And they had their hundredth year centenary and they booked slim Dame Edna Everidge. Really? Yeah. And James Blundell had to cancel and I got the gig. Right. So it's an all star cast there. Oh, man. Joe Bailey was there doing Dame Edna's hair. And you know, it was it was like the most bizarre setup of people you've ever seen on a station. Yeah. So here I am at Carlton Hill.
I'd never met slim.
We're by the fire and joy gone to sleep.
So he was able to have a couple of sherbets and have a laugh. Yeah, man, we sort of recounted a lot of our North Coast connections and what we used to catch and eat in the rivers and the Maclay and the Clarence. But what a character. Man, what a character.
Would slim play kind of a mentor role to you and the other young fellas coming through? He definitely did, you know, and slim was in a position where he could have been the traditionalist and sort of stuck by his guns and wanting everyone to play Bush Palace. But he was so open to Keith Urban, Casey Chambers, myself, anyone else who was coming through that he thought was individual.
He just backed you. And he also not only as a mentor, he didn't sit down telling you how to do industry stuff. He wasn't that sort of fella. He'd just give you just a couple of little light bits of advice like, oh, you know, if you're running in a race, put your blinkers on, concentrate on who you are. Don't be looking left and right. And that's about all he gave us as that pattern.
Nothing about guitars.
He wasn't nerdy into that sort of stuff. He was just a real everyday fella who I reckon had a great sense of humour. And also you could talk to about anything, just about anything.
We were talking about women because I was supposed to stay at the big house with Dame Edna and him and the family and that. There was this girl who was the cook, who was a bit of a sort. And he sounds like a station story. And he said, I gather you're not staying at the house. Because I was yelling at the barbie and I went, no, I'm actually going for a horse ride with that cheeba later on tonight. It's either the cook or the governess. Some poor young girl got up from Sydney. You're the first bloke that can string a sentence together that she's met in about 18 months.
Is that choice Lee? Seems all right. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
I've seen that harbour before. It's beautiful down there. I'll take you to Sydney one day, baby. Beautiful country. You and me. You'll have to show me around next time I'm down there.
And what is life like on the road?
You had a band a lot of the time. Yeah, look, I started in cover bands. And always ended up when I started doing recording, I always had a band. Sometimes I do the odd sort of gig where you'd go out with something different where with you and two players, we had a lounge chair we bought from Vinny's once that we thought we'll just do a whole tour with me sitting on the lounge and have the bass player there and a keyboard or someone will steal on the other side. And we used to make a habit of inviting people up on stage.
And it ended up like a Jerry Springer show because they're pissed. And so you say, Oh, you know, pick someone out of the crowd. You know, for those people that don't know Jerry, go and check it out. Everyone remembers that shit. Primetime daytime television.
I made the first mistake.
It was like, you know, some place up in Newcastle, maybe the 16 footers or something. And I got this, the drunkest person is the best person to get up because they're the ones heckling you. So you got to shut them down. And I got this bloke and his girlfriend up. Well, they fall all over the bloody lounge and they pour and piss all over us. And I said, that's the last time I'm doing that. But it became something we did every night. Whenever there was a heckler, you get them up and shame them.
But they were great. Well, that's, that's a pretty, it's a pretty foolproof strategy because you invite them up. And if they're too shy to do that, then they shut up. They do. Yeah. It's a great way to close them down.
You know, but there's, bands are fantastic to tour with too, because you know, you've got that camaraderie. We'd sit up late at night in the early days, like playing a lot of old country and getting a lot of complaints from motels because we're pretty drinking heaps. But other than that, you know, I still love the band. I miss playing with the band after COVID, of course. So that's been a bit of a drought, but we're coming back.
Slim sings a song called Top Springs where he talks about, you know, they still talk about the night the traveling show came out, the Top Springs was like the Victoria River Downs boys met up with the road workers at the Shandy bar and had the world's biggest blue. Did you see much of that? You would have gone to some towns where you coming to town was the first time a lot of people had seen each other for a little while, and maybe there was a few grievances that needed to be, it ends up like a world wrestling match. It sort of does. There's a bit of push and shove in certain towns. It happened in a few places, but I remember talking to Fred Brophy, the boxing fellow about it, because I'd written a song about Fred and I said, Fred, just out of interest, I said, where's the hardest town you've come across where people really got to hide? He sat back, you know, he had that look on his face to say, this is going to be a long story.
But then he came up with, where was Walter Matilda written? Winton. He said, mate, some of the ringers that came into Winton really tout up his crew. I was expecting Cloncurry, Mount Isa, that sort of thing, because he was talking about the West, you know, and such a fascinating follow.
But yeah, we had some bits and pieces of push and shove around the places. And normally, if we'd go out after a night of playing, you'd be talking to the local people. But then someone would think you're talking to their girlfriend too long. And they'd come over and give you the big word. Write a big shot. Okay, we used to call them local love gods. They'd come along and start sort of putting the acid on you.
I mean, you know, it was okay in grafting, because, you know, everyone knew who everyone was. They were still scuffles.
Yeah. Briggs tells a funny yarn about, you know, when he when he's been around, comes back to a town. Someone's seen him when he was a young fella. And then he comes back and he's, you know, he's got a bit more profile. And they go, geez, you think you've done all right for yourself? And he goes, no, but you do. What a comeback. Oh, yeah. You've actually teamed up with Briggs.
Yeah, look, I've watched and watched in amazement at some of the stuff he comes back because he's got some great things that he can shut down. And I watched him for quite a while before I got a chance to meet him. But yeah, we just he really liked a song I sent him called Shadows on the Hill.
And it's about a massacre. It's a fair dinkum song about where I come from up on my grandmother's country. And we used to wonder why we weren't allowed near this spot.
I was explaining the story to Briggs and, and he first heard the song when I just sent it to him as a demo, you know. And he came back and he said, I reckon that'd be a good song to put rap on. He said, because you know, it's just real. And, and so he's done a rap version of it as well.
And, man, it's a lot crankier than my version.
But it's so good. Yeah. Because it just goes there. Yeah. And it's, it's, it's really like art. Yeah. So it's, it's, it's a, it's a, it's a heavy song, right? Oh, it's a heavy song anyway. Yeah.
And you know, when I was singing it to people, I wanted them to understand that it was never going to be about blaming anyone. What it was going to be about was saying, Hey, look, our history is really not right in Australia, it needs to be addressed. And what we start teaching our kids is what's going to make the country get get on track.
And this is about massacres. And then I'd say to people, this is about where I come from. It's personal to me, because these people that were killed, were probably some form or another related to me. Yeah.
So it's a personal song. It's a sad song, but it's an educational song.
And I was surprised the amount of non indigenous people that came up afterwards saying, man, I totally get that. But I was never taught that at school.
Why? Yeah. Because it's been hidden. Yeah. So it's not so much blaming anyone. It's just no, it's just not not not talking about it. Well, that's right. Yeah. Instead of sweeping it under the rug. And then Briggs took it to the next level where it was like, okay, this is this is how it really happened. Yeah.
And this is what we really should be talking about in this way. And when it becomes an urban song from a sort of a country issue, almost a bluesy thing. It just really took on another life. And I think, you know, the younger generation are going to absolutely dig it. I didn't know that was the subject matter of the song you were doing to get I thought you were going to do a bit of a Tim McGraw-Nelly, you know, for that collaboration. Oh, yeah.
Well, there's been like, you know, even old mate, what's his name? Miley Cyrus's dad.
Billy Ray. Didn't he prove him all wrong? Oh, he'll only have one hit. Along comes his song.
Yeah. No, it's, it is funny. It must be interesting for you as a Aboriginal country music singer seeing, you know, it's going to be interesting with the song you do with Briggs because a lot, even if there are kids in the city that are listening to rap music, listening to Briggs, they all know your songs and they all know all of their, you know, grandmothers, you know, funny, like, it'd be kids running around Redfern that know every word to Dolly Parton, you know? Exactly. And it's, it's ingrained in us anyway. But when they hear this, they'll definitely get to see another side to what a song can turn into, you know? And I think it's great. I think it really is. I really, I really love Briggs. I just think he's, he's got a great sense of humour, but he's also got this staunchness that I think you need sometimes just to sort of remind people that there are issues and the staunchness is what actually gets the point across. Yeah. And it's good that that's not just resting on footy players nowadays. No, exactly. I mean, look at little Metrel. I mean, how many times is that fellow going to be vilified? Yeah.
And he has to stand up for himself.
And I don't know much about AFL, but I do know that with the Adam Goode story that I saw, I was just devastated. Because I thought to myself, okay, you can't get there and boo just him, you know, or make out he's laying down taking penalties when there's just as many other fellas laying down. I don't know what that lingo is with AFL. But all I know is that after watching the documentary, man, the AFL could have done so much better. And I'm glad that Latrell goes hard and fast and goes, it's just not good enough.
Let's stop it. You know? And Jesus is looking good right now, isn't he?
Oh, last night, that try last night, I nearly had a bit of piss in me pants. And, and Indus runs right across the line. And Moe's about three people down. That assist, that try assist in Mudgee, that duck and weave and weave and then dummy.
But the silky hands, you know, you don't get people with that size that have silky hands like that. So I, you know, obviously, I'm a bit biased, because he's from the North Coast. When he was with the Roosers, not so much. So we're very one eyed.
No, it was, um, I actually said to Latrell, I said, you know, when you've had a good match, when Troy Casadilla is taking photos of the television screen, putting them on Instagram. I might have to do it at times. And then my wife goes, what's this photo of the TV? I said, where have you fucking been? Of course I take photos of the TV, but I just, if I find it hard to try and pause it to get the right moment, but I just take photos as it's being replayed now. Posting them up, posting them up, good stuff Latrell.
It was great that they could get the footy back on when they did last year, obviously came back a lot sooner than, you know, live music did. Yeah. But how was that to you? I remember you grew out the beard, you had the COVID beard in ISO. I had a lot of people going, oh, Troy, you're bringing on the unk vibes. And I reckon I looked in the mirror the first couple of weeks.
That's, um, that's more than salt and pepper. That's a lot more salt in there now.
And you know, the kids were funny because my son's got a real big beard, you know, like Ned Kelly size beard. And he just loved it.
Like he just said, keep growing it dad, come on, annoy the shit out of mum. Cause Laurel hated my beard. Scratchy as hell.
But you know, during COVID we needed to do something for ourselves and look within because there was no gigs. So I, I just lost dad. I just wanted to write songs.
So I grew the beard, hung out with my dog, sorted out some marital shit. And that's, that's, everyone had that. Everyone in six weeks, mate. Do you know anyone else that went into lockdown, didn't get smart snarky with their wives and husbands? Yeah.
Something wrong if they didn't.
Like, you know, you did hear stories of people hooking up, you know, housemates and that kind of stuff. That's as good as it gets. That's a good story. Yeah. That's the, that's, that's one of the good, that's one of the few good ones. You hear yarns like that, you know. And not a lot of good come out of COVID other than the fact that, you know, it made us appreciate what we've got other than TV or whatever, and living vicariously through your phone.
I wrote a record. I went downstairs and started playing drums and bass and awful, awful, drumming, basing. Our neighbours are actually selling.
Yeah. I could probably put it down to me. Yeah.
Six weeks in, six weeks in April. Six weeks and all that shit.
But, but I did write a lot of songs. I wrote 20, 25 songs.
And when I was trying to get in to see you fellows while I was in doing the record, it became too hard because I had to get home and then isolate for two weeks in Brisbane. And my wife loved it. Because she had two weeks off from my recording. And then I had another two weeks away from when I was up there.
So it was a whole month. So that sort of sorted things out a bit more. Yeah. It's a bit of a breather. Bit of a space. What was it? And so, so the album is directly from that time? Other than three songs. Yeah. Everything came out of that.
It's pretty dark. It's a hairy ride and different to what I've ever done before. I mean, everyone that knows Andy Bundjalung Falcon songs, guess again on this, because I've played all the guitars. It's a bit rocky.
I'd written a couple of songs for Jimmy Barnes and put them on his record. And I got a bit inspired by that. I thought, you know, it's one thing to write a song like I was shutting down our town for Jim. But I wrote it about his book. The first one, Working Class Boy. And then I started to keep writing. You wrote Shutting Down Our Town?
Yeah. Oh, right. What a track. Well, thank you.
I didn't expect to get it to Jim. He rang me after I lost my dad. And he said, just keep playing your gigs, don't cancel anything. He said, I don't think your dad would want you to do that. It was just this nice common sense call from a friend, you know. He said, well, while I got you, have you got any songs?
I said, well, I got a poem that I wrote after I read Working Class Boy. I said, because your childhood, Jim, it made my book look like a trip to fucking Disneyland.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was harrowing. Glasgow. Elizabeth. Yeah, Glasgow.
Straight into North Adelaide. North Adelaide.
And then I just said, mate, I just don't know how you got through. But I wrote this poem about when they shut Holden down, you know, called Shutting Down Our Town.
And he said, well, turn it into a song. It was like a school project. Turn it into a song and send me something.
So I sat up that night. And I thought, God, this has helped me through even thinking about dad for a minute. Yeah, yeah. It took my mind off it. So I sat and kept writing and writing.
And I said, I sent it to him. He said, I love it. He said, I'll put it on the record.
So after that, and doing what it did as a song, I just wanted to sort of venture into that world a bit too, because I used to play a lot of sort of more rocky stuff as a kid. And so there's a bit more of that on there. And it's a bit more outlawry.
Yep. Because I had a lot of first cousins who were incarcerated. Yep. So I tried to tell a bit of their story in the record too. So it's, you know, Bit of Heart Worn Highways, you reckon? Little? Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's definitely, it's definitely a harder ride than the last three records. But you've got to give it one listen. Yep. Yeah. Just give it the one listen, and listen to it as a record. Don't cherry pick shit out of Giant Graze. Just listen to it as a project, you know? Yeah. That's the way I was put together. Well, it's good now you're at the point in your career where people will do that. You know, it's not like you're not waiting for someone to pick a song up on radio play. You know, it's like, yeah, it's gonna be Troy's fans listening from top to bottom. Top to bottom. Yeah. And you know what, if you got a long car trip, just chuck it in and give it a go. I think I did a yarn with a young girl yesterday who got a little scared of the record. Yeah. And I said, Don't be afraid. She said, No, after the second, listen, I totally got it. Yeah.
I said it is a rough ride. Because it talks about some heavy stuff.
Yeah. And it talks about another, there's another song didn't make Jimmy's record that's on there. Yeah. And that's a heavy ride too. Yeah, right, right, right. So you know, it's interesting how you have to tell other people's stories. Yeah. And you've got to do it right. So yeah, and so, but I, there are other bits that are obviously a little bit of light to get you out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's plenty of those too. Yeah, yeah. But you know, I think I think it's worth it. It's COVID was good for that. Yeah. Is there going to be any much touring attached to all this? Are you back on the, back on the horse? There's going to be as much as we can. Yeah. You know, the capacities aren't really back where they should be. But we're, we've just been doing some shows with Midnight Oil doing the Makarata project. Yeah, right. And that's been a big learning curve too. Good to hear songs that are just as potent today as they were in 1982. Yeah. When I first saw him at Coffs Harbour at the Hoi Moi. Yeah.
In this sweaty, sweaty ass little venue. They are peeling the walls off with volume.
Yeah. And every song they sing, and everything that related to us as Woori kids, relates to me. And then I'm standing on stage with them at these Makarata shows going, I'm actually singing with Dan Sultan, you know, and we're all up here together as First Nations artists and we're singing Beds Are Burning. Yeah. You're just kidding me. What was that? That was an interesting ear of that kind, that ear of rock, where there was a lot of white fellas singing about those kind of things. Yeah.
What was that like when you were here? Like, I mean, those songs have become like, you know, anthems for black people as well in some capacity. But at the same time, I heard this lady put a post up the other day after our show up at Sura Mai, and she said, I remember screaming the words to Midnight Oil songs as an 18 year old. And she said, and I never realised back then how political they were.
Yeah. She said, but now, as a 50 year old, she said, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she also said, now I think I know what we've got to do. Yeah, yeah. And I thought, there you go. Yeah. Food for thought. Yeah. But, you know, the topics are still strong. Yeah. Still a lot of work to do. Yeah. And it was just the volume and the dance floor kind of put a few seeds in a few people's minds too. Well, it did. And so did Shane Howard with Solid Rock. We used to finish off, we had a band called Little Eagle, and we were like your local love Godfellas, you know? Yeah.
And we finished off every set we would do at the last set. We did four 45 minute sets, but the last song was Solid Rock.
Yeah. And everyone was singing every word. Yeah. And I bet a lot of people look back now and go, what was that song about? And they go, oh, right. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So it's about ships coming. Yeah. And it's about the first fleet and where you're standing and who belongs to what and all. Yeah. You get it. But it takes a few years for you to understand what you're singing. Yeah. You know? You've got, this obviously relates to your indigenous family, but you did that show on the SBS where you kind of followed up on your Maltese side. Yeah.
Have you ever performed over there? Or in what capacity have you kind of been to the motherland in that way?
No, mate. That was my first trip back. Unfortunately, I'd planned to try and get my dad back. Yeah, right. I used to wonder why dad was sort of a little bit elusive about Malta. Yeah.
Because he left when he was eight. So I said, dad, you must remember some stuff, you know? And he goes, oh, yeah, I've never really had a hankering to go back. When I went back for Who Do You Think You Are, I know why he didn't want to go back, because he was always hungry.
Yeah, right. Yeah. And after a while, when the house got bombed, he was homeless too. Yeah. So he was living at his, I think his dad's parents until they rebuilt their house. And there's, you know, they talk about being hungry as being an actual pain. Yeah.
It's just a continual pain. Why would you want to go back to that and remember that?
So I totally got that. It was absolutely flattened too by... By Italy? The Germans and then the Italians and then the Americans when they took it back. That's right. Oh, yeah, there wasn't much left. I think it was maybe, I think one of the most bombed places in the Mediterranean, because it was closest to Italy. Yeah, right. Once Mussolini went along with Hitler, they just dropped a stack of shit straight off the first place they bombed was Malta. So it was an incredible ride. Yeah.
And I got a new love for my grandmother, because she had 21 actual kids. She lost quite a few and then ended up with 13 that survived that she brought out here. 21, no twins, 21 separate pregnancies and lost, you know, eight kids.
That's like nine years pregnant. More than that. Oh, mate. When you think about it, she's pregnant.
You don't even get a spell. From the moment she was married in that church that I was sitting in on the show, she was probably pregnant and you wouldn't have got a chance to recover.
Yeah. Because, you know, just one after the other.
They rolled out this piece of cardboard paper with all the names of the children that her and my pop had. And she lived in Surrey Hills and she was humble and happy. But I don't know, I don't know how she could have been happy with all those kids. That's like when, you know, when Nan gets left with all the grandkids for one afternoon. That's, imagine that pain every day of your life. I remember the visits, I remember the visits over in Surrey Hills, you know, and it was like, sometimes you get 18 kids show up with three parents.
And it was like, and everyone's running over the Reader's Digest building, you know. Everyone's terrorising the shit out of Reader's Digest workers, you know. All these kids going crazy.
Well, I mean, it must be tough being a, you know, a Maltese Bunnies fan, because obviously they don't mind a bunny over there in Malta, do they? They are the rabbit pastizzi.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, mate, it's the first time I've had a rabbit in proper Maltese fashion. Well, I had it with all my uncles and aunty. My dad used to breed his own rabbits. Yeah, right. And one of the most terrible things I ever saw was when Dad had to karate chop one of them and dispatch it for dinner. And I'd seen kangaroos knocked over and I was all good with that. But the pet bunny, I said, Dad, it's a bit close to the grand final to doing that.
Please. Yeah, the old karate chop. And when I was over there, there was a restaurant in Malta that actually was just sick of people asking for pizza. Yeah, right. Because they wanted to serve Maltese food and they had this big sign. In Maltese and in English, we do not have pizza. If you want baked macaroni and you want pastizzis or you want baked rabbit, we got it. Yeah, yeah.
And they baked a rabbit with red wine over there and then put it on pasta. Red wine tomatoes.
Yeah. And it's the first time I've ever eaten, well, since I'd had dinner with some family. Yeah. But it was pretty real. Yeah. And all the crew were all going, man, what is in this shit? Yeah, yeah. That's just, that's Maltese love right there. Yeah.
Well, thank you for coming on here today and giving us some Maltese love. That was, that was, you know, it's been, it's been a real honour to have you on. Obviously, we've been listening to you since we were young fellas. TCD, The Bunch of Long Falcon. Well, it's been awesome. I mean, I just love you fellas.
What you do every time there's something on there that makes me laugh. It brightens my day. Petuta Ravikit is my day brightener. And I'm just really happy to be at Petuta finally.
And I hope it's not my last visit. I'll bring the guitar next time. Yeah, please, please. We'll put you on that old sofa.
Yeah. And the world today, Troy's new album is out now. So get into that.
I'm going to go get out of here and go top to bottom. Top to bottom.
Thanks, mate. See ya. |
TheOnion | Shady_New_Wendy_s_Deal_Offering_Five_Hamburgers_For_Free_No_Questions_Asked | A curious new promotional campaign from Wendy's is offering five free hamburgers, no questions asked from now until the foreseeable future. The popular fast food chain is reportedly allowing all customers to pick up complimentary hamburgers whenever they want, without having to buy other products or use a coupon of any kind. According to Wendy's CEO Emil Brolick, quote, "...what's the big deal? We're giving away hamburgers, that's all you need to know." Wendy's has already started rolling out billboards and TV spots advertising the suspicious discount. What do you guys want to do for lunch? We could go to Wendy's and get five free hamburgers each.
They're practically giving them away. Giving them away? Why would they do that? Who cares? When asked if they'll be giving away any other food for free, Brolick reportedly said, quote, "...five hamburgers isn't enough?
OK. Ten hamburgers." Next up, a look inside CBS' highly anticipated spin-off series, Mike and Molly Miami. Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | 106_park_top_10_live_with_kanye_west_snl | This is Terrence, and we're here with Kanye West. Kanye, We were talking earlier about some of the bad press you've received for your behavior at award shows. Yeah? Well, you famously took the stage and protested the 2006 European Music Awards, and at the Vmas this year, cameras called you backstage, visibly upset that you hadn't won. Yeah? so how do you defend yourself from claims that you're a poor loser and a crybaby? I mean, I'm not here to defend myself. I mean, it's no offense to the other artists, but I'm just passionate about my music, and really, those are just isolated incidents, and they just been blown away out of proportion.
Okay, but what about your appearance at the Kids' Choice Awards this year? I mean, that was nothing, Dawg. All right, well, let's show that clip. It's so weird that they asked me, Dakota Fanning, to present the award for best Tv show, because I don't even own a Tv. And the Kids' Choice Award for Best Tv Show is. Drake and Josh. Yo, no disrespect, Fan. like, I haven't seen your show. I don't even watch Nickelodeon.
But how the hell they not gonna get a Kids' Choice awards to Kanye West? How kids gonna get taken seriously if they keep making bad choices? I used to believe the children are our future, but f*** that. I don't know. you seemed upset at Kanye. I mean, I really deserved that Kids' Choice Awards. but it was for best Tv show. you don't have a Tv show.
I am the greatest show on earth. And I won't apologize for that. Okay, but do You think you're the best scientist on Earth? I mean, perhaps, you know. Is that about the Nobel Peace Prize? Yeah, let's roll the clip. it is my distinct honor to present the Nobel Prize for Physics to John C. Mather and George F. Smoot for the discoveries and the Cosmic Microwave background race. Oh, hell nah! That's the Nobel Peace Prize for Physics. Don't go to anybody but me. that's ridiculous. my album went gold in a day, fam. my album went gold in a day. no offense to y'all. seriously, sir? I ain't heard of none of y'all theories, but if the Nobel Peace Prize doesn't go to me, then the Nobel Peace Prize loses.
Credit F***. So what happened there, Kanye? I mean, you can't trust the media. they edited that to make me look bad. All right, well, how do you explain your behavior at the Thistledown County Fair last week? I mean, I ain't even heard. that's just rumors. Well, there was actually a camera there. sneaky cameras. let's take a look at the tape.
Oh, hell nah! I got the best pumpkin. this pumpkin cost a million dollars, Fam. it got champagne in it. I'm a loser, Ayo! You got a lot of years. you got a lot of years. You can win this.
I've been doing this too long, fam. I've been doing this f*** too long.
Wow. that's pretty uncool, Kanye. I mean, anybody with a train, I can see that that was done with computers, and they Csi'd me. you mean Cgi? I mean, it doesn't matter. I wasn't there. Yes, But were you backstage at Saturday Night Live this weekend? of course I was. then can you explain this?
Man, I ain't going to have you on Saturday and Live, Man. I ain't going to host, man. Seriously, man. I ain't going to have Lebron James over me, Man. I'm ten times the performer, man. I don't care if you got more money. Man, give him Black Man. give him score, Black Man. I can't change, man. I have to know more out in the country, Fam. I'm sick of this s***, man.
I'm sure he's talking about a different Lebron James. And I'm sure he's talking about a different Lord Michaels. No, there's only one Lord Michaels. did you say those things?
I wouldn't trust the media. the media. Okay, well we're gonna take a little break and when we come back to 106 Park, more screaming! |
dropout | ball_busting_psa_all_nighter_2014 | College Humors All Nighter! So I wore this green polo shirt to work, and Jimmy goes, Hey, you look like a skittle. Do you have any chocolate under there? And I said, hey, asshole, that's fruit. Skittles don't have chocolate. He proceeded to call me a fruit expert the rest of the day. He said, your new name is fruit snack.
I said, hey, please don't call me that. He goes, hey, I'm just busting balls here. So I Buffalo Wild Wings were watching the game. I would roll water because I got to drive home, right? Then the guy started calling me Princess Ariel because I love water or something. I'd try to turn around on him, be like, hey, how do you know so much about the Little Mermaid? What are you, Disney freaks? But by then they were already singing under the seat pretty loud. So I had to get dressed up because I was going out to dinner after work.
That was in 2004. Ten years! Ten years they've been calling me that shit. But you guys were shooting the shit about sports. I make the mistake of mentioning the World Cup. Little did I know I was tossing him a softball.
They were calling me John Lennon because my hair was too long. So I got a haircut. And now they just call me haircut.
I was helping myself to some coffee in the break room when Tony walked in and saw that I was drinking hazelnut coffee. So I looked up and said, hey, everybody, look who loves nuts. And truth be told, I do not love nuts.
So I was humiliated again. Ball busting pushed me to the edge. I tried to end my life. No, I said I just punched a wall.
I want you to grab the sign there. Right there? Yeah, that's the sign. I grabbed that. Hold it like that. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Antoinette_Lattouf_Azure_Antoinette_The_Antoinettes | A bit going on in the news last week, we spoke about tech. That was a bit interesting. Tech, yeah, well that was when that new Apple thing came out with, you know, the I'm just not really a big tech guy. The stuff came out with the technology Apple thing. No they were, it's like infrared, no, it's like a heads up, bloody. It sounds like you learned a lot from the tech guys last week.
And what an exciting review, I can't wait for one. I want those red stuff, I can't wait for the Apple tech. That's coming. What the hell is it called, Apple View, I'm sure. It's called the Vision Plus Pro 4.
Oh, if it didn't have the Pro in it, I'd be like, not for me. This must suck. Not for me. This can't possibly be Apple.
It's about 7,000 Australian pesos. Yeah right, fair enough. I did find $5 in the LAX on the way here and M said, oh, that's like 1200 Australian dollars and we laughed for a long time. It is, you know, it is, it could get you at least two beers.
Azur, I know we share a name and we share a podcast, so sometimes you can't just drop someone's name in and think that anyone's going to know who you're talking about. You were like, oh, and then me and M in LA. I will say, we'll introduce you to two of you and then you can introduce us to M. Why are you like that? I just don't know why you're like that. They seem to be very supportive of each other, not knowing anything about tech, but wanting to talk to us about it. Apologies to the DownRound podcast, thank you for joining us last week. There was a lot we soaked in, but today's guest, we should introduce them before they begin tiffing, is the Antoinettes. Our first kind of multinational podcast, I guess you'd say, in the one comes through LAX.
As you've just heard. Yeah. They said that because I'm black. That's what I said. I'm the black one. I'm the one. Yeah. I don't know what the term is in Australia to kind of tiptoe around that, I'd say this podcast is urban. Is that the... Yes.
It's like an urban fresh, like an urban adjacent academic urban. It's like an academic urban fresh.
It's like general pants, meets hype. Like general pants, half culture kings, meets the librarians, because that's me.
And Sussan. Okay. Sussan is S-U-S. No, it's Suzanne. That's not what it says. It says Sussan. So that's one of the Antoinettes, that's Azure Antoinette.
Thank you for joining us. No problem, guys. Thank you.
And Antoinette Latuffe, who is from, I would say, the beautiful Tuscan-like plains of Maryland. Is this in Western Sydney?
It is. You're kidding. The best way to describe the school I went to is we had a 50% year 10 completion rate and a 75% incarceration rate. Really? Yeah. Very impressive statistics. So that's why you became prefected. It was kind of the talent was thinning out by the time you got to year 12. There weren't very many options, you know, after having attended my first baby shower in year nine, there weren't many people left. What? That was funny.
And we are the Antoinettes. And that's what makes us us. So you guys are launching a new podcast show called the Antoinettes, Let Them Eat Cake.
Let Them Eat Shit. Welcome to the Binfire. Welcome to the Shit Show.
There's plenty of taglines that have been kind of rolled around with this one because it's so exciting to listen to. We've had a taste of it here. But you too, when you start getting into a subject and you're reintroducing us to the kind of old fashioned art of not conversation, not really discussion, just it's almost like arguing you hear the old ethnic men out front of the cafe, you know, like that. We don't know if they're friends, but it's with love. What's good about this is that we are ethnic. So that's what makes it really a treat. And like those ethnic men where you see them every week and they're drinking coffee and you're like, do they like each other? What are they saying?
But then you see them again next week and they're there again. And that's going to be us. We're going to be there next week.
Tell me more about how I would know it was them. Let me describe some. Fisherman's hat. Yeah. And they're sitting usually on.
Speaking in Italian or Greek. Yeah, Greek.
They're gesticulating wildly. Backgammon. There's backgammon.
So they could be Arab. They're all Southern European, irrespective of what language they're speaking. You don't know if they're discussing who their favorite soccer team is or if they want to kill each other because it's in the same tone of voice.
So this would be similar akin to, I suppose, Friday is an American classic film. They sat on a porch a lot, like in places where there could have been a gang uprising or a house party or both.
Yes. So it's similar. So it's the same. It also feels like some sort of very affordable aged care where they just leave them there to argue and stay alive because the blood's hot. I love this. It is.
And I think what's really neat about this as a poet, you know, classically trained like that's my gig. It's so neat to be in company of people who also can just off the cuff, just really deliver a beautiful story. Like the one, the tapestry you've just painted about the aged care and the arguing and the ethnicities and the different spaces.
You don't meet many people that can do that in America. Not a lot. Yeah, it's tough. It's slim pickings.
Yeah. All Americans are media trained. I would say that. Every single one. I think so. Every house fire, every thing, there's someone on the street that gives a sensational sound bite.
I don't know if they're media trained. They're like excellent for viral memes. They're not media trained. They're just ready to talk. Whereas Australians will go, I don't know, something happened down there.
I didn't see nothing.
Yeah. I chased a robber down the street in my thongs. Yeah. I got him.
And I thought it was fireworks because it sounded like poo poo poo poo. We thought we heard fireworks. As a crime reporter, in my early commercial television days, the two grabs and I was like, my work is done here was, this is usually a lovely neighbourhood. And I was like, bitch it ain't because last week I was here at another shooting and someone's doing a drug deal behind you. And then the second line is, and then I thought it was fireworks and I hope poo poo poo poo.
I'm like, done. My work's done. Give me a Walkley award. I'm out of here. I really like the pew pew pew. I think that might be my thing. So Latuf, I'll start with you.
You just mentioned you were a crime reporter. We've actually interviewed you before and you actually were kind enough to feature in the Batutah Advocate, Cronella Riot's history series that we did. You did quietly tell me that I was your favourite person in that episode. I was, and it was a shame you didn't get invited to the premiere, but I blame Paramount Plus and Warner Brothers for that.
I really, you know, and having seen, I know that must have been a Valentine's Day note. It was a lot of gear changes between passive. She lulls you in with like a sense of like maybe biosecurity and then just like, let me, and also another thing, trap door. Yeah. That was a feeling. So, um, you know, off the guilt of that, we said, oh, do you want to do a podcast or something? What we've learned working with, um, or, you know, in our dealings with Antoinette Latuf over the years is she is the school prefect, notes and pens and everything like that. And, uh, would have made a great journalist, would have made an, uh, annoying reporter though for an editorial team, because you're like, oh, I have more to this story. We can do more here.
And they just going, nah, nah, nah, nah, you got the fireworks and back it up. Nothing is off the record either. I mean, like it's like from, you know, everything you tell me, I'm going to tell the principal.
Yeah. Right. Yeah. A hundred percent. Yes.
But you are an incredible journalist. In Media Diversity Australia, which was when you were the one that released those reports that were almost comical about the Australian media landscape to the point where people were like, Carl Stefanovik is Eastern European, technically, uh, you were kind of... He's white ethnic.
Yeah. Haven't you seen the Sudanese guys on the door at the ABC and, uh, and kind of have always been writing, but always following, I mean, and you've also published books and all that kind of stuff, but you've always been following um, I guess what is the current affair, right? Yeah.
Social issues and all that jazz. So now you team up with a poet who, Azil, would you say it's any, in any way, shape or form a similar trade that you do or? Well, I think that the, what, what I find to be compelling about this podcast is like, I, I, I have very little time to do poetry anymore. I spend most of my time as kind of a conduit or a conversation space for corporations of large size that are having spaces where they're trying to tackle diversity, equity and inclusion.
Um, a lot of the work in the last couple of years has been reactive because proactivity would actually mean that we had an equitable society, which lets not everyone get unclear. So reactive means damage control? They were like, this has happened and we don't know how this has happened.
Is your, are you able to come in and let's take a photo together? Yeah. So like, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Proactive reactive, similar to preventative and curative. Yes.
So it's been a lot of, uh, there's, it's been busy. I like to phrase or, or title, uh, the last few years in America, our summer of allyship, a lot of marching mix with sourdough baking and you know, a lot of signs, which was awesome. And then they were like, Oh, I've got to go within and then, uh, you know, just different people being like the pandemic was hard cause I couldn't have bread. So yeah, it's been a time of, of where I'm, I'm in different places utilizing spaces where I try to help people just say less, less is good.
Can I ask these people that when you come in, in the reactive, in a capacity to something that's happened in a corporation, are these men, uh, absolutely horrified or terrified or what do they, yeah, I have a, I have a fair, yeah, there's a, they always come in with a, well, you know, we are just, we are so thank you for making time. Um, uh, we, you know, honestly we, in our ethos, we, we strive to, so what has happened? And they just, they're sweaty a bit and I'm like, well, this is, um, this is troubling. And so this was, all of this was pretty good until it was incredibly racist. And so, so we probably, we probably want to make an actual apology, less of what you all are doing now, do less of that. They don't seem that the stress, what I have interpreted or witnessed is pressure, not a wrongdoing. You're not dealing with like, Oh, we're horrified that this has happened. There is, there are all of these sources and spaces that are not visible and they've sent down some martyr that, you know, usually is a really adorable title of like the head of people and culture chief diversity officer who is either rolling their eyes as they tell me what has happened or being like, well, we need to do all we can to support the move, the move, the movement to the, to the moving.
And we are definitely moving and it is our belief to keep moving and help us move. And we have a, we have a policy against, we don't like to discriminate, we discriminate. We need, could you help us? We have, we have in one, yeah.
I think where Azura and I really have fun is because I am such a school prefect, fixer-uppera, come up with a plan and do things and whatever the issue is, whether we're talking about Gwyneth Paltrow and amethyst crystals or whatever, Azura is like, this shit's crazy. It's really not getting any better. Let's just fricking laugh and let's just be here. And when we stop, yeah, and just stopping and talking is where we're having the most fun and the best conversation. Because it's not like the concept or the idea that like, we're all coming into this golden age where like things are going to get better and then we'll walk down the street doing whatever the fuck people are always walking down the street.
Kumbaya. Yeah, never. Kombucha, none of it.
I'm just, I have lived through too much and seen too much. So I don't find, I'm an entire cynic, but I have, I have become a really devout realist in the last few years. And I enjoy, I enjoy people not being precious about what is actually going on. So I find that like, I can always just have a real conversation with Antoinette because there are so many people being like, Oh, well, we can't say, I'm like, I mean, you can say, you can definitely say, like, I just don't think we need to act like this isn't going on.
Like, stop doing that. It's weird. It's super awkward.
What's coming back? Cause you know, there's winds, people take winds where they can in terms of an equitable society. Is there anything that you kind of like, Ooh, it's gone actually now it's back. Oh, I guess, um, homophobia in sports is kind of coming back a little bit.
I mean, I feel like oddly enough, it doesn't feel like anything has, nothing has abated. Nothing has been like, okay, well that's done. Like even if it did for a second, the nonsense was always so visible and then it just came down to the front. Like I have yet to see where I'm like, Oh, I thought we were done with that other than like bad fashion. Like the, like, like there's some things that I've seen happen and I'm just like, Oh, we shouldn't do that anymore.
Everything always comes back. I mean like look at the Taliban, you know, then it was like, all right, we're going to leave. It's just like these guys, mom jeans, everything comes back. Mom jeans and the Taliban.
We got rid of them and they're both harmful to women and that's why I stand for what I stand for. Because if you can't see how they're connected, you're the problem.
This is, this is it. This is what we've captured a minute here of the Antoinette's podcast. And also I would like to say just in like, defensive mom jeans, cause I love them and I love a proper waist, you know, Mitt Romney loves them, God love Mitt, sweetheart. It is not lost on us that it took a production team and crew of all white presenting males, you know, like everyone else was like, Oh, you guys are a lot. Like really? I don't think we are and we're, we're not causing more upset. We're just like, Hey, we, it's okay, we're going to just chat about it. It's all good. So Antoinette was like, I have found who's going to make this thing go.
And I was like, great, love it. I walk in and I was like, this is fantastic. I know I've run into these guys at the General Pants Co. I know, I just know it, but I love, I love the concept that it is a purpose and a mission to produce quality content that has the ability to get people to smile.
Like we, we're not getting anywhere. We're not getting anywhere with all of the things that should be effective around standing for social justice, equity, human rights, like none of that is, none of that is trusted. God forbid a journalist does her job.
And I think the interesting thing is when we first got together, like it was several months ago to put this show together, we were like, what's the theme of the show? And as much as we try to plan nothing, we could not have planned for what has unfolded in the world. And in my life in the past two months, as you went to Vegas to, and got married, I got married. Why are you in a Vegas wedding a few days ago? Oh, it was fantastic. But we cannot plan what happens in our lives. You couldn't, you couldn't, you couldn't.
And I know it drives her nuts. Like I come from entertainment. So like, you never know what the hell is going on.
And they're just like, and be grateful. You're like, thank you so so more please.
You know, but like the concept of what has popped off just globally and here specifically, I'm just like, that's the shit show. There it is. That's the shit show. There you go.
Um, Latuf, have you learned anything? I'm asking you this because Azura works in the space of presenting conversations to people in corporations where they might learn something. She's not, you know, policing or helping. Have you, have you learned, um, you know, uh, anything in these robust discussions and vice versa? These discussions I'm having with Azura?
Yeah. I'm more interested in you because like it's usually the prefect that knows everything. Sure.
As am I. Azura is helping me get more comfortable with the fact that there isn't a solution or a three step plan or a way we could put a bow tie and we can't circle back. You know, we, we started off with the idea of circling back and so many of these things are so hideous that we just need to sit in it and laugh and unpack it and be okay with that discomfort and not try and be like, and in conclusion, after I have rebutted the opposition's three points, this is how we're going to solve it and I need to learn to get more comfortable with that in the gray area, in that, in that gray area, in the unfixable because I think a lot of society sits in the unfixable, the wild, the weird and the fricking hilarious gray doesn't look cute on me, but I'm learning to wear it.
You're doing great. I love it. You're doing great. Great. Thank you. What I did there. Great.
And Azura, what are you learning from this kind of a militant, uh, ladder up, uh, immigrant kind of ambition? He is, you know, I feel so judged.
Oh, you shouldn't.
You described me as a red flag before, I mean, you 100% she's like, yeah, what are the two emojis to describe me a red flag and like a LOL or that one that's like, I am here for it. You know, like you have never presented yourself as anything other than exactly what you are. And like that for me on like a real note, like just tell me who you are so I can make a decision. The concept of consistency. I'm here for that. I really enjoy that we can have like very honest conversations and I always know where you stand.
I think part of what, like my frustration, especially in the States, everybody's everywhere. No one will commit to a thing. They can't be bothered to stick with it. They want to change their mind all the time. Even if they tell you like, and I swear it like, you know, that's just not true.
You know? So that I love I'm here for it. I mean, it drives me nuts, but like, oh, just your ability to just really be like, but also this and these seven other points and these additional eight points as your, why didn't you respond? I'd be like, oh, what, I was like, why do you write like this? Like, why are you like this? Like, so I think the question was like, what are you learning and liking?
I'm just not sure that that is where this went. I'm just not sure that's where that answer went. But anyway, it doesn't really matter. It went there though.
You're just like salty all the time.
You know what I mean? But like, I know that and I can really trust that that's what's happening. So in terms of conversation style, we have the tangential fluid over here and we have the... Choose your words carefully.
The railroad tracks, like stay on the railroad tracks. And I don't get off of them ever.
Yeah. Like even when...
I think you're the one who is trying to convince me to go on some stupidly hecticly long train ride thing. Oh, now we're actually talking about rail transport. Which is delicious. Do you know they keep boxes of sand inside the Sydney trams in case it rains and they can't get friction on the tracks? That technology is as old as trains itself. I mean, like freight trains and stuff when they're carrying a heavy load up a hill, they've got like a reservoir of sand that they have and it increases the friction between the rail and the wheel.
Yeah, right. Have you ever seen somebody just not give a shit more than her right now? Like the three of us are invested ass. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. She was like, hmm. No, the whole time I was thinking is you've retained a lot of information about that sand but not so much about the apple eye goggle thing. I also was like, and now they want to talk about tech. I also thought that too, friend. I thought it too. Yeah.
I'm with them. I do like trains and aeroplanes and everything being in order. Tell us you as a train you caught in America. Oh my God. So here for this.
I was doing the math on the first kind of week I had in New York and I was like, I've spent a lot of money. I need to try to rein it in this week.
And the original plan was always going to fly some ungodly hour from LaGuardia to some like hellhole in the back of LA. And I was like, actually, I might just get the train over there. So I got like this train from Penn station, but I had to go around the back because as I was going down, these cops came up the hill and said, there's an active shooter in here. So of course, can you go back up onto the street and go around the block and come down?
Yeah. I went down that side. Yeah. Like it was a midnight train going from Penn station to Chicago. Yes. Once I got to Chicago, I went on the Southwest chief. Yes. These aren't cabins by the way. This is on the chief. Yes.
This is his main cabin. It's like sitting like economy style.
It costs me $180 and it took me about four days. Texas is an entire day. Texas is a full 25 hours.
Did you have to do this? Or did you choose? Well, see, because it took us, it took me that long.
I didn't have to pay for accommodation. And because you can sleep and eat and sleep.
Yeah. Sitting up. Yes. Well, it was, it was okay for most of it cause there was no one in the seat that was next to me, but you couldn't lift up the hand thing. So you had to like, and then, so apparently they didn't tell me, but in parts of, I think Kansas, they transport prisoners in the section I was in. So they woke me up and said, Oh, this guy's in your seat and he was, and he had handcuffs on his foot and I was like, Oh, hi. The Southwest chief can be, it's a time I rode, I rode from Chicago through to Mississippi with a active Amish sect of 172 people. And so I, yeah, you know, and it was, it was at that point that I changed to the sleeper car, the roomette, you know, and it was a fragrant time cause they brought all of their foods and the goods and I just was like, Oh, I've had enough of this. Yeah.
Well, so there were two places that you could eat on that train. There was the restaurant car. I went there once and it was $18. I was like, this is the most expensive meal I've had on my trip. So then, uh, there was like a canteen car where you could buy a bottle of water and like a hot dog and the holes that they punch out of a donut.
Yes. Yep.
A dollar and a bottle of water was also a dollar. So I used to get two bottles of water a day and two packets of the holes out of the jelly.
And I'll have you know, I'll have you know, in New Mexico, the stop right before you hit Albuquerque, there is a gas station with a full body size baby wipe. Um, so the pack, the packet is about half of Antoinette's height and it's a, it's a baby wipe that you can put for the whole body. The whole body.
Yeah. Aftershower? Yeah.
There was one stop that we did at Renton in New Mexico where there was this guy who hopped on a couple stops back and he was like, how long is the train here for? Cause they usually stop for about five minutes so you can hop off and have a dart stuff like that. And then I just said, Oh, I think probably 10 sort of minutes. And he went off into Renton and just as he disappeared from sight, they blew the whistle and I was like, Oh, that's tough.
This guy is going to remember my face for the rest of my life. And we left. Fun fact, when you said have a dart, do you know what it means to have a dart? I do now.
I mean, I'm an Australian and I didn't know her. So a friend of mine was actually Brooke Boney, who's a channel nine presenter.
She was, we still work together and she's like, Oh, I'm trying to find her in the pub. She's like, I'm just downstairs having a dart. So I went down to the darts section.
As you would. Right. Oh, the prefix. This is strange.
I didn't think Brooke would play darts, but like no judgment, but also a little bit of judgment. And then when I could not find her in the darts section with the men who one of them who'd like urinated on himself, then I've discovered, and this was, you know, maybe two years ago.
And then I discovered that she is having a cigarette outside. And these are some of the things semantically that I have found to be challenging moving here to Australia. There's lots of names for, you know, enjoying some nicotine in this country. Yeah. Oh, there's the brickies, breath mint, a diary, Tina Turner, a burner, having a lung lolly, lung buster, we hang out with both the guys having a dart and playing darts.
Anyway, these are the tangents we can expect from the Antoinette's and we only got this far because, because the prefix said, I'm going to sit back and see where this goes. And we spoke about traveling across America by rail for 15 minutes. So that you can see there's a great, there's a great yin and yang here between these two. And it's really, you know, the on track and the tangent coming to one with, you know, different opinions. We don't always agree.
We have fun, even though I don't write long, nice text messages like you, I learned so much from you. And I have so much fun with you.
I won't ever say that again.
It's starting very nice this, this thing, but what was the first episode? Tell them the topic of the first episode.
You do it. No, no, it's okay. Did you read the 17 page brief?
I, I've already forgotten it still with I'm on the train having a dart. I'm not allowed to do that anymore.
It is monsters and the art. Is it okay to still love the art of monsters?
This is the topic. Number one. So you've met the Antoinettes, you've heard them in action. This is the first topic.
Is it okay to love the art of monsters?
Yeah.
I didn't, uh, I'm, I, as you were, I leave the driving and the trajectory to my, my brilliant co-host and I, I wouldn't, you know, I couldn't have picked a better one. Monsters art and loving map. Well, like what a way to, what a way to just dip in, you know, what a, what a way to get, to get to know us like a reception area. To be fair, it was off the back of you being a Grammy considered artist, being in the States, me secretly hoping yes, that you win, but also watching Chris Brown's category because I love Chris Brown, but not wanting to tell anyone I love Chris Brown because there are so many problems with loving Chris Brown. And so, you know, with the actor awards as well in Australia, it just got me thinking, Oh my gosh, I, I love some monsters.
And it's, and it's tough because this would be the second time, um, on microphone you have now directly placed a synonymous line between me and the monsters. And so that, this is the second time that's happened. So I'll leave you to clean that up one more, one more time.
Well, do you need me to clarify that you are a monster or that you're like a cookie monster? Like it was sometimes just a sometimes food person. Yeah. Well, you say you're like, and then this happened and these heinous crimes happened and is it okay to love the music as your thoughts? And I'm like back to you and what? Have some monsters become monsters in hindsight? I mean, yeah, Gatsby with a Picasso is a good one, but let's look back at Van Gogh. Was there an element of coercive control in him cutting off his ear and mailing it two hours ago?
I mean, there's a whole bunch of, a lot of things going there and it'd be almost impossible to walk through a museum. You'd have bare walls if you had to take off all the racists and misogynists and rapists off their walls.
And so we have that conversation. How far back do you go? Which crimes are more egregious? And do we just get better at justifying continuing to consume the art of someone just because you really like them?
And we'd be like, well, he did say he was sorry in an Instagram story. He deleted 10 minutes later, so it felt heartfelt. I really do think that he's turning a new leaf. The best is when, when you get to the point of just hoping that they do, it's like, yeah, yeah. He'll turn it around. Yeah.
It's like at the height of when sort of Mel Gibson was in trouble. You had people, he's still in trouble. You had people in Australia going as, Oh, well, you know, he's really from Syracuse and his dad came here cause you know, he's a draft dodger.
Yeah.
The distance is very good at two.
We'll claim anyone until it was our Mel Gibson. And now who's it? Did you give him to New Zealand?
Malibu. He's the king of Malibu.
Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. Tough time. Yeah. But then again, he also, everyone was kind of like, well, we can still make money for Mel's movies. Yeah.
And you made that really good movie about Christianity. We do get confused often. Mel Gibson obviously does those things, says those things. Many people would find those things unforgivable and then goes and makes the first ever Hollywood blockbuster in complete indigenous language. And he kind of like, that's what you now got to think about.
Yeah. So it does get to a point in some ways you're untouchable if we're talking about career cancellation. You've got money. Yeah. Career cancellation. Everything. Yeah. The whole thing is that.
At one point you have so, you know, some have so much power or influence that's infiltrated and influenced other artists that nothing you or I do with our Spotify playlists is really going to change. But we, we discussed that and you know, R Kelly a few times and a whole bunch of other people. Are you holding on with both hands to R Kelly? No. Not after we had a listen to a song he wrote for Aaliyah.
No, that's got to go. That's got to go.
Rest in peace DMX. Yeah. Well, at least he's in jail though. R Kelly. Yeah.
Technically as canceled as you can get when she's got a job, I look forward to hearing this. Same. Me too. I look forward to hearing it too.
Sometimes I just black out. I just be in there like, I don't know. It's nice to be, I suppose, able to, to move through the spaces of, of being able to experience joy and also talk about what's actually happening and what could be ailing or what is, what is uncomfortable. I think a lot of people struggle to be transparent because they're, they're too worried about whatever is filtered or cancelable or whatever those things are. But being, being minorities, being women, being in the spaces that we have always occupied, whether it's popular, trending or not, like you just, it is what it is. Like it's not going anywhere.
So yeah, we might as well have a good time. And the whole time while we're trying to sort out the shit of the world, we're trying to sort out our friendship as well and that's half the fun. Especially with these barbs that keep flying. And this is, we're just early on on the Antoinette. So I look forward to seeing this thing a season or two in when they've really figured out how to hurt each other. It's going to be fantastic y'all. I just can't wait. Azul's going to put me on a train and be like, we're recording an episode here.
That's right.
Well, thanks for joining us today Antoinettes, and I'm just going to read, I guess the synopsis because if you are listening and you've waited till the end, I'm going to summarize what's happening here. Antoinette Latouve and Azur Antoinette, one uncommon name, two very different lives. What happens when an Australian journalist named Antoinette, an American poet slash now we know crisis manager named Antoinette sit down at the same table to tackle the world's biggest and smallest problems?
Well, you just heard what that sounds like. So tune in wherever you get your good podcasts. Yeah. Like Spotify.
What's that? Apple one. Apple. What's it called?
Apple pro cameras. They're vision pros.
Yes. Because I have a viral phone, I use Podbean. Podbean. Yes. Anyway. Thank you. You can see there's a great, um, there's a great, uh, yin and yang here between these two and it's really, uh, uh, you know, the on track and the tangent coming to one with, you know, different opinions. We don't always agree. Yeah.
We have fun. Even though I don't write long, nice text messages like you, I learned so much from you. And I have so much fun with you.
I won't ever say that again.
It's starting very nice, this, this thing, but, uh, what was the first episode? Tell them the topic of the first episode.
You do it. No, no, it's okay.
The 17 page brief. I have already forgotten it still with I'm on the train having a dart. I don't know how to do that anymore.
It is monsters and the art. Is it okay to still love the art of monsters?
This is the topic. Number one. You've met the Antoinettes. You've heard them in action. This is the first topic.
Is it okay to love the art of monsters?
Yeah. I didn't, uh, I'm, I, as you were, I leave the driving and the trajectory to my, my brilliant co-host and I, I wouldn't, you know, I couldn't have picked a better one. Yeah.
Monsters, art and loving that. Well, like what a way to, what a way to just dip in, you know, what a, what a way to get, to get to know us like a reception area. To be fair, it was off the back of you being a Grammy considered artist, being in the States, me secretly, um, hoping yes, that you win, but also watching Chris Brown's category because I love Chris Brown, but not wanting to tell anyone I love Chris Brown because there are so many problems with loving Chris Brown. And so, you know, with the actor awards as well in Australia, it just got me thinking, gosh, I, I love some monsters.
And it's, and it's tough because this would be the second time, um, on microphone you have now directly placed a synonymous line between me and the monsters. And so that, this is the second time that's happened. So I'll leave you to clean that up one more, one more time.
Well, do you need me to clarify that you are a monster or that you're like a cookie monster? Like it was sometimes just a sometimes food person. It's like, it's like, well, you say, you're like, and then this happened and these heinous crimes happened and is it okay to love the music? Is your thoughts? And I'm like back to you and what? Have some monsters become monsters in hindsight? I mean, yeah, Gatsby with Picasso is a good one, but let's look back at Van Gogh. Was there an element of coercive control in him cutting off his ear and mailing it two hours ago?
I mean, there's a whole bunch of things going there and it'd be almost impossible to walk through a museum. We'd have bare walls if you had to take off all the racists and misogynists and rapists off their walls.
And so we have that conversation. How far back do you go? Which crimes are more egregious and do we just get better at justifying continuing to consume the art of someone just because you really like them?
And we'd be like, well, he did say he was sorry in an Instagram story. He deleted 10 minutes later, so it felt heartfelt. I really do think that he's turning a new leaf. The best is when when you get to the point of just hoping that they do like, yeah, he'll turn around.
Yeah. It's like at the height of when sort of Mel Gibson was in trouble. You had people still in trouble. You had people in Australia going as well, you know, he's really from Syracuse and his dad came here because, you know, he's a draft dodger. Yeah. The distance is very good at two.
We'll claim anyone until it was our Mel Gibson. And now who's it? Did you give him to New Zealand?
Malibu. He's the king of Malibu.
Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. Tough time. Yeah. But then again, he also, everyone was kind of like, well, we can still make money from Mel's movies. Yeah. And you made that really good movie about Christianity. Yeah. Kind of everyone watched. Yeah. We do get confused often. Mel Gibson obviously does those things, says those things, many people would find those things unforgivable and then goes and makes the first ever Hollywood blockbuster in complete indigenous language. And he kind of like, that's what you now got to think about. Yeah. So it does get to a point in some ways you're untouchable if we're talking about career. You've got money. Yeah. Career cancellation. Everything. Yeah. The whole thing is that.
At one point you have so, you know, some have so much power or influence that's infiltrated, against other artists that nothing you or I do without Spotify playlists is really going to change. But we, we discussed that and you know, R Kelly a few times and a whole bunch of other people. Are you holding on with both hands to R Kelly?
No. Not after we had a listen to a song he wrote for Aaliyah. No, that's got to go. Rest in peace DMX. Yeah. Well, at least he's in jail though. R Kelly.
Yeah.
I look forward to hearing this. Same. Me too. I look forward to hearing it too.
Sometimes I just black out. I just be in there like, I don't know. It's nice to be, I suppose, able to, to move through the spaces of, of being able to experience joy and also talk about what's actually happening and what could be ailing or what is, what is uncomfortable. I think a lot of people struggle to be transparent because they're, they're too worried about whatever is filtered or cancelable or whatever those things are. But being, being minorities, being women, being in the spaces that we have always occupied, whether it's popular, trending or not, like you just, it is what it is like.
It's not going anywhere. So yeah, we might as well have a good time. And the whole time while we're trying to sort out the shit of the world, sort out our friendship. Absolutely. And that's half the fun. Especially with these barbs that keep flying.
And this is, we're just early on on the Antoinette, so I look forward to seeing this thing a season or two in when they've really figured out how to hurt each other. It's going to be fantastic y'all. I just can't wait. As soon as it's going to put me on a train, I feel like we are recording an episode here.
That's right.
Well, thanks for joining us today, Antoinettes. And I'm just going to read, uh, I guess the synopsis, because if you are listening and you've waited till the end, I'm going to summarize what's happening here. An Azure Antoinette, one uncommon name, two very different lives. What happens when an Australian journalist named Antoinette, an American poet slash now we know crisis manager named Antoinette sit down at the same table to tackle the world's biggest and smallest problems?
Well, you just heard what that sounds like. So uh, tune in wherever you get your good podcasts. Yeah. Like Spotify. Uh, what's that?
Apple one. Apple Apple. What's it called? Apple pro cameras, camera vision pros.
Yes. Because I have a viral phone. I use podbean. Yeah. Podbean. Yes. Anyway, thank you. |
dropout | a_disturbance_in_hr | Last time on Troopers, we are troopers. Our names are Mara, Wimbledon, and Vin. Our first trooper of the week is you.
Really? And of course, you get to guard the orb. I have to be stuck somewhere. I'm just glad it's with the two of you. And if we stick together...
Whoa! Fosty orb! Go, go, go! You simpering waffle! You pee-brained!
Helpful! Why would I say helpful? That isn't like anything else I said! I guess I just wanted you to say it.
Re-plays the recording of the last sighting of the wayfinder. She was in the heart of your ship the whole time. How can she have escaped undetected?
And with the orb, no less? I don't know, Sire. Maybe this is an opportunity in disguise. I kind of feel like the orb is sort of a vaguely defined MacGuffin anyway. You know? What? Are you crazy? The orb is wonderful! Right, wonderful, yes. And what exactly does it do with them?
We don't have time to go through the whole orb plan! Re-read the original email! Yeah, my inbox is kind of a mess right now. Could you resend it? No! Your incompetence has stymied me for the last time! Stymied?
As of this very moment, I am placing you under probation! Sorry. Could you repeat that? Your voice gets all distorted when you do the lightning thing. Probation? I am putting you under probation! Every time you make a mistake, you get a demerit. And once you have one demerit, you are boiled in acid! Sounds painful.
But that's life. You have to ensure that you actually retrieve the orb. I am sending you my most trustworthy muscle. The force of raw evil, the mistress of management, the unconcertained Valkylion Prime!
Wimbledon died as he lived. An insignificant pawn whose life was frittered away in a conflict he could barely comprehend. We can never replace a beautiful soul like Wimbledon.
So, we'll replace him with Doug. No, no, no, not Doug! Yes, everyone! The rumors are true! Doug is in the house! Anyone else, please! Seriously!
Sorry, dorks. If y'all didn't want me around, you shouldn't have let Wimbledon die so hard. This funeral is in violation of code 719C subsection A, no spiritual or emotional catharsis. You're all cited for excessive gasping. Oxygen isn't free.
Who was that? Dude, that's Valkyrion Prime.
Clocked more than 200 execution ordinances, weaponized human resources. She even got the banking guilds to garnish our enemy's wages, so they have to reimburse us for the cost of killing them.
Knees locked! Never have your guns at your side! Guns always up! Halt!
Why is this precious little fuzzbo being executed? Valkyrion, Dreadlord ordered them shot and thrown in the incinerator. That's insane. Why, are you my mommy? Shooting them wastes ammunition. The incinerator alone will kill them much more efficiently.
Wow. That makes way more sense. Yeah. Of course it does.
Remember the first precept of terror from your trooper's guide to a fear-based oligarchy? There's nothing scary about it. Inefficiency.
Good. Now you're both being executed for interrupting an officer. You! Hi. Would you do me a quick favor? Just walk inside holding this clipboard. Yes, ma'am. Hey! Gotcha!
I guess that's the end of Valkyrion Prime. Dreadlord, Valkyrion Prime, do you have a minute I want you to go over a few things?
Uh, yeah. Just finishing up masturbating. Clean this up. Now, it says here we've got over half our personnel out on coffee runs, and that our long-range sonar was retrofitted. Into a bitchin' sound system. Check it out. Oh, sick. Here. You feel it? Say what? Right. On scale. Tell you what, why don't you walk me through an average day for Dreadlord? Okay, well, let's see.
First I wake up, brush my teeth, put my armor on, go to the toilet. No need to cover the simple stuff, just the big stuff will do. Well, this toilet isn't really simple. It's one of those smart toilets. Let me tell you, it's not as smart as it thinks.
Effective immediately due to the obvious incompetence of the current leadership, I will be spearheading all retrieval efforts for the orb. We are sending our best and brightest after the wayfinder, and whoever retrieves the orb will receive a hero's welcome upon their return. Except for those troopers tasked with guarding it.
I have a little something special in mind for you. Amara, did you hear that? We're special.
Tube duty? A ship is only as strong as its tubes. They provide our food, our fuel, and an industrial, brutalist look that really fits with our aesthetic. The bridge alone has over a hundred tubes.
Now get cleaning. No! This seems gross, but surprisingly lenient. I know people tell stories about me, but I'm not a monster. I believe in efficiency, and that means I should get as much work from you as I can before I kill you. There it is. So, when I return, I will check the security footage to see who cleaned the most tubes.
First place gets to live. Second place gets thrown out the airlock. What about third place? Does third place get to live?
I'm not putting my money on you. Man, it really sucks for you guys that you have to compete against me. Three points. I'm going to clean these tubes so fucking hard. Hold on, let's think of it. What the fuck, man? You could have killed us! And it's against protocol to fire your weapon inside? Nah, I thought I could blast the dirt off the tubes, you know? No, I don't know. Nah, it'll work. It will. I gotta go down to the armory, re-up real quick, and blast these tubes up. Please, do not do that. My inner workings are terrible.
Guess we better get cleaning. Or we could just keep back in the wax. I mean, Valkyrie and Fran is going to kill us anyway, so might as well. I mean, she gave us an order. Do what you want. Oh, and that is clean. On the ship? Huh?
Couldn't track her. She never left.
This could be our chance to redeem ourselves. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. She doesn't know we've seen her. Yes. That means we have all the time in the whole galaxy to get her right where we want.
Search it! Get some! What are you doing? You rodent!
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. All right, no problem. This is fine.
It's okay, it's okay. We will cut the power and trap her in this way. Okay, EMP frag! Haha! Gah! Power grease down! Luckily, they're on backup generators. Who uses an EMP on a human?
This is the craziest thing I've ever seen. Trashy, I can't believe you're missing this. I got a big lizard from the big lizard room, and now I'm riding it.
All right. Good God. Okay, I am going to go knock the escape pods. There, we're sealed, okay?
And the only thing that could break through those is like a... This integration ring!
No! He just blew a hole through the ship!
There she goes! Okay, okay, we're not done yet. If I auto-set the tractor beam... Or we can put a pod in neutral! We can go and collect it... In our own pod! It's our own leap!
Well, that was our only shot. Maybe she wasn't on that ship. Maybe it was Doug. Maybe she's still around, and we can... No, there's no time. She's gone.
Everything was a line. This was my chance to matter. Come on, let's get back to those tubes. It was stupid to get our hopes up in the first place. Two troopers trying to catch a wayfinder.
That's dumb. Dumb?
Dumb is the look on Dreadlord's face when we come back with the orb and the wayfinder. But she's gone! Also, you can't see Dreadlord's face.
That's theft and desertion. The least and most serious crimes in the Legion, respectively. No, no, no, no, no. We were told to clean tubes and await our execution. You love the Legion, right? What's better for the greater good? Two dead troopers, a few clean tubes, or the orb? And two new heroes? I mean, I guess it wouldn't be theft or desertion if we came back.
Hell yeah. Come on, let's do it! For the interstellar Legion! For glory! Trashing, we're having a moment here. Be cruel for once. I'm okay. That's not the end of me, but that is the end of this taste of troopers. To see the whole episode, or the whole even series, go to dropout.tv. You can sign up, and you can... Welcome to the router planet. |
cracked | the_awful_implications_of_first_person_shooter_games_8_bits | Hey Shriner!
No!
What the fuck was that?!
Fuck me!
Oh no!
Oh shit! oh shit oh that sucks balls dude oh shit god I'm Jesus Jesus fuck me fuck me breathe all right hurt I better you just got out of you don't fucking know you don't know what it feels like just breathe just get this off of me oh Jesus we are not good guard don't say that it'll be okay I'll roll you onto a box of medical supplies or something oh fuck you I'm sorry oh I told him I said you do not leave guns scattered around the compound or fucking body armor for that matter but why don't we have radio only make it worse how did she even carry it all none of this makes any you go who will help me guard the explosive barrels you can have my ammo hey so I heard yes please I said she unbuttoned her blouse and showed me her boobs both of them she had two nipples like a normal person I looked at the breast and said yes those are like baseballs but ones that stick to your face she said I know I know it's a little bit of my erotica I'll give you a lot more if you subscribe to our channel thanks for watching the video |
TheOnion | GOP_Maintains_Solid_Hold_On_Youth_That_Already_Look_Like_Old_Men | The Republican Party has struggled with the youth vote in recent elections, but now there is some good news for conservatives. A new Gallup poll found that the GOP has an overwhelming advantage among young people who look like old men. The poll shows Republicans hold a solid lead among the coveted elderly youth demographic, including 18- to 24-year-olds who wear suspenders and bow ties to class every day.
I'm joined by Republican strategist Rob Powell. Rob, these are pretty encouraging numbers for the GOP, aren't they? Of course, it's very encouraging.
Millennials who look like they're permanently dressed for boat trips are a rapidly growing segment of the population. And according to the survey, the prematurely aged are also very politically active. Absolutely. Only about 20 percent of young people vote overall, but there's almost 100 percent turnout among youth that dress like a dad from a 1950s sitcom.
Now what about the criticism that the GOP only appeals to white men? Not true.
We also have a lot of support amongst sorority girls that wear pantsuits and pearls, ponchi, Chinese college students, and we're making inroads among African American ham radio enthusiasts. So what is it about the party that is so attractive to young buzz kills? Nineteen-year-olds with comb-overs know we share their interests and values, like standing behind podiums, wearing American flag pins, being louder than other people. These are the things that are important to millennials who look like toddlers that crawled into a rapid aging machine. Republican leaders must feel pretty optimistic about the upcoming midterms. They are. But we can't take these moon-faced man-babies for granted. Candidates are going to keep reaching out to them on social media, holding campus get-togethers with free snackwells and cream sodas. And of course, there was also some encouraging news for the Democrats. The poll shows that they continue to hang on to their own key demographic of adult men who dress like teenagers. It's going to be an exciting race.
It is. Good insight as always. Thanks, Rob.
Next up, the giant garbage island in the middle of the ocean makes a bid to host the 2024 Olympics. |
TheOnion | Onion_Explains_Putin_s_Russia | To reignite that flame of anti-Russian sentiment that has been lying dormant inside us for far too long now, we now present The Onion Explains Russia.
Russian President Vladimir Putin is widely known to use fear and intimidation to suppress dissenting voices within his country.
To maintain this strict level of order, Putin ruthlessly minds his adversaries' personal lives for their most embarrassing secrets and spreads rumors about their weight and their hygiene that are so humiliating that most people are far too afraid to ever cross Russia's leader.
By employing the Kremlin's vast surveillance systems, Putin arms himself with extensive dirt on whichever activists and journalists stand in opposition to him, just like he did with billionaire Mikhail Khodorkovsky, who rallied against the Russian president in the early 2000s and found himself at the center of a Putin-orchestrated smear campaign about how he wet his pants during gym class in fourth grade.
After years of military incursions that culminated with Russia's unprovoked seizure of Crimea in 2014, world leaders finally stood up, spoke together in one voice, and boldly declared that Ukraine and the rest of Eastern Europe were pretty much on their own on this one, making it absolutely clear to Putin that they'll more or less stay off to the sidelines for this whole thing.
Sources close to Vladimir Putin have confirmed that every one of the Russian leader's brazen, defiant actions have been motivated by a single, unyielding, and all-consuming desire that burns deep within him to avenge Evgeny Plushchenko's loss to American Evan Lysacek in the men's figure skating competition at the 2010 Winter Olympics.
Members of Putin's inner circle say that the president constantly reminds his cabinet that Plushchenko should have been leading by at least four points after the short program, that Lysacek went with uninspired and timid musical choices, and that Plushchenko, even in his thirties, was still able to wow the audience with the flair of a much younger skater, with Putin typically pounding his fists on the table and vowing that the judge's decision must be reversed. |
dropout | you_can_still_have_babies_after_35_adam_ruins_everything | If I want to have kids, I have to do it by the time that I turn 35. Ah, yes, 35. The age when the media tells us a woman's fertility rate supposedly plummets. You've got to get pretty serious about having kids before 35. You're getting older and you know that clock is ticking. By the time we're 35, fertility has decreased by 50 percent.
See? I've got to get bacon now before this oven breaks down.
I mean, they have done studies. Sure, but where those studies got their data from is real weird. Was it from a large, well-conducted sample of modern women?
Nope. It came from rural French census records from the 1600s. But, boo, but best... Oh, c'est pas-harnie! Seriously? I have been getting fertility advice from a bunch of 400-year-old French farmers? Unfortunately, yes.
Oh, Emily, this is Jean Twangi, the author of The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant and the researcher who discovered the truth about this data. You know, when I wanted to have kids in my late 30s, I was as freaked out about these studies as anyone. But I'm a researcher, so I looked into it. I found out nobody really noticed that these claims were based on such old data.
And that's a problem, because that means they come from a time before fertility treatment, antibiotics, or modern medicine. Yeah, there could have been a lot of reasons these women weren't getting pregnant after 35. Maybe their husbands had gone to war. Maybe they had diseases. Or, I don't know, maybe they just stopped having sex.
The truth is, in modern data, average woman aged 27 who's healthy has an 86% chance of getting pregnant within a year. And that same woman, at age 37, her chances are 82%. That's like, barely a difference. You know, if you don't have fertility problems already, you can have a baby later than you think. Age doesn't really affect fertility that much until you're in your 40s.
Take it from me. I had three kids, one at 35, another at 38, and then at 40. Congratulations! Honestly, it was no sweat. Okay, farmers, let's get you back to the past where you belong. Thanks, Jean. Yeah, au revoir, everyone, au revoir. Yeah, merci, very much.
But I read that by the age of 40, your chances of birth defects double. Ahhh! You know, the hen house may be working, but the eggs are going sour. Not quite. Mascarriages do become more common, but your chances of having a baby with a birth defect only double from 0.5% to 1%.
That's like nothing. Yeah, exactly.
But if they say it doubles, it sounds way scarier and sells more magazines. All this fear mongering has caused a generation of women to panic that they're going infertile in their 30s. And if you've seen this show before, you know what happens when people get scared. Corporate America swoops in to take advantage.
Egg freezing industry. Ice to me. Egg freezing began as a way for women to save their eggs before undergoing chemotherapy. But today, it's grown into a vanity industry that preys on fertility fear. Your eggs are rotting fast. So we're going to freeze some now and thaw them out later when you're ready to have a baby.
What she failed to mention is that each of those eggs only has a 2% to 12% chance of resulting in a baby. And the whole shebang is going to cost you upwards of $20,000. $20,000? Yeah. And all that money is usually wasted. The vast majority of women who freeze their eggs never actually use them. Because, again, you can get pregnant in life later than you think. You scammer.
Oh, oh, snow. That was awesome.
Truth is, Emily, if you're in good health through your early 40s, you don't really need to stress that much about fertility. I've been planning my whole life around the idea that we have to have a baby soon. Well, you don't. If you're not ready to have a kid now, that's OK. You've got time. Man, I feel so much better. You know what? Why rush this? We should just wait to get... Pregnant? Or good to be parents. |
TheOnion | Walgreens_Introduces_Dumbass_Only_Shopping_Hours_For_Dipshits_Who_Don_t_Know_How_To_Stay_6_Ft_Away | The coronavirus pandemic worsens today in the United Kingdom as doctors declare that Prime Minister Boris Johnson is now well enough to get back to work. We've got the latest on the long, hard road ahead for the UK. And on this side of the pond, more American retailers are doing their part to help prevent the spread of the virus. Hear how Walgreens is now offering dumbass-only shopping hours for all the dipshits who don't know how to stay six feet away. From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical.
I'm Leslie Price, and I've got to say I'm just so embarrassed. I'm usually so good about these kind of things, but it must have just slipped my mind. Anyway, happy belated birthday. Hope you can forgive me, and stay with us.
As the country continues dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic, more companies are unveiling new measures to ensure safe practices and protect especially vulnerable populations. Walgreens is just one of the many retailers looking to minimize the number of people in their store at a time to help reduce the spread of coronavirus. Here with more on how Walgreens is responding is occasional medical correspondent Alan Potts.
Hello Alan. Hi Leslie.
Earlier this week, Walgreens announced that they would be implementing new dumbass-only shopping hours for dipshits who don't know how to stay in six feet apart. And as of today, stores nationwide will be open from seven to nine every morning exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain distance from their fellow shoppers.
Well, it's great to hear that they're taking public safety so seriously there. It certainly is.
I asked Walgreens spokesperson Stephanie Prillo about how the company arrived at this policy. Here's how she explained it. Walgreens wants to ensure that all our customers can shop in comfort and safety during these uncertain times. So when we began seeing these absolute fuckwits not wearing face masks, congregating in the aisles, and coughing all over the frozen corn dogs, we knew that it was our responsibility to do something. Now they can shop in peace without the discomfort of customers with half a brain in their goddamn head yelling at them for brushing right up against them in the checkout line.
Hmm, interesting. And have we seen any results from the policy? Well, that's difficult to track, but what we do know is that these knuckle-dragging dumbfucks are much more susceptible to coronavirus due to their inability to use even an iota of brainpower to follow the most basic CDC recommendations. Remember, these people don't know their asses from a hole in the ground, so anything we can do to protect them is a good thing. Yeah, definitely.
And how have customers been responding? Well, I spoke with some of the shoppers utilizing the new time slot this morning, and overall it's been positive. I like the store. They said go to the store now, so I went to the store.
It's nice there are less people. I get to touch all the stuff. Want to share a popsicle? I do not.
Well, they certainly sound optimistic. They do, and that attitude will hopefully serve them well with the horrible symptoms they'll soon be experiencing.
Indeed. Thank you, Alan, for what was on the whole of Pretty Mediocre Report. Um, wow. Okay. That's OPR's Alan Potts.
New York has become an epicenter of the coronavirus pandemic, and with medical equipment and short supply, critics are now questioning the federal government's handling of the crisis after thousands of stockpiled ventilators sent to New York hospitals turned out to be claw machines, and really hard ones at that. For more, I'm joined by OPR's Rebecca Neal reporting from Manhattan. Rebecca, this sounds serious. It certainly is, Leslie. Ventilators are desperately needed here, and the Trump administration had promised 4,000 of them to medical facilities in the New York metro area.
Instead, when the shipments arrived, they were revealed to be toy cranes. That is obviously an enormous oversight, but tell me, were at least some of these carnival claw games those candy ones where you get to keep trying until you win? I'm sorry to report they were not, Leslie. And what's worse, most of these machines cost a dollar per play.
Wow, that's troubling to say the least. How are the medical professionals responding? Well, to be candid, Leslie, they're very frustrated with the Trump administration for this blunder. I spoke with Dr. Michelle Greiner, deputy director of Bellevue Hospital. Here's what she had to say.
We're stretched incredibly thin as it is, dealing with more patients than we can handle with more coming in all the time. Plus, the claws on these machines are super loose, because even when you do manage to grab onto a prize, it immediately falls back down, which is totally unfair. And have you tried walking over to the other side of the machine to check your angle before you press down on the button? Of course I have. Look, we have some of the best surgeons with the steadiest hands in the world here. And so far, no one's been able to win anything more than a stuffed banana with sunglasses, okay? Sorry, we've just all been under a lot of stress.
It seems like this oversight is likely to further inflame Trump's already contentious relationship with his home state. That's true, Governor Andrew Cuomo had some very harsh words for the president after one of the machines ate his $20 bill without even letting him play. He also accused Trump of disproportionately favoring southern states with how federal resources are allocated.
And have we seen any evidence of that? Well, just a few days ago, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp asked for hundreds of thousands of testing kits, which the White House immediately sent out for shipment.
Now, those testing kits did turn out to be pinball machines, but they were at least really good ones like Addams Family and the Twilight Zone. And they were even rigged so you could get as many games as you want for free.
That does sound like a disparity, but I'm sure our listeners want to know, how are doctors in New York coping? Are there plans to locate or manufacture new ventilators? Well, doctors here are hopeful that's the case, but frankly, they're a little preoccupied. Here's Dr. Greiner again. We are in the process of working that out, but what's particularly galling is that the only stuffed animal I have an unobstructed shot at right now is that Pikachu.
And I already have one of those, but you know, whatever, I'm going for it. Come on, come on. Yes! Oh, I got it! Okay, now just get over to the chute and...
No! Fuck! Fuck this fucking machine! I swear to God it's broken.
Oh, go for the green alien. You've got a clear shot.
Are you kidding me? It's way too close to the edge. What? What are you talking about?
Here, let me try. No. No! I'm going for the kissy face! You'll never make it! God damn it!
You know, I haven't been home for days. Because of the coronavirus? The what? Well, we're all pulling for the brave men and women serving in this time of crisis. Tell me, Rebecca, have any of them tried reaching their arm up through the slot and trying to grab a prize that way?
Well, no, Leslie, that would be cheating. And these doctors took an oath. Very true.
Thank you, Rebecca. That's OPR's Rebecca Neal. As news of the coronavirus continues to dominate the airwaves day after day, we here at OPR think it's important to stop and take a look at the good sometimes. Thankfully, today, OPR's Jenna Resnick joins us with a heartwarming story about love and connection in the face of all this tragedy. We hope you enjoy.
Over the last few weeks, many people have had to deal with adversity, struggling to navigate this unprecedented pandemic situation. But when two teenage girls here in suburban Philadelphia heard that the Pine Grove assisted living community was going to be barring all visitors, they were completely devastated. We know people could, like, get sick and die and it's a bad situation. We get it, but it was still hard.
That 17-year-old Sydney Powell and her grandmother has been living in the nursing home for the past eight years. Afraid she may never get to see her Gigi again, Sydney had an idea, and she came up with a plan to stand outside her grandmother's window and hold up handmade signs asking her for money.
I just really missed it. We hadn't been over to see her or collect any checks since Christmas.
Oh, that's heartbreaking. I know, right?
I don't have to get a job this summer. I worked at Dairy Queen after my sophomore year, and it sucked.
Many kids would have been understandably upset, but unlike many others, Sydney and her sister decided they were going to take action and make their world a little brighter. They started brainstorming any way they could think of to get their hands on that cash. Well, at first I thought maybe we could do it over the internet, because I have some friends that got their grandparents in Arizona to send them, like, a hundred bucks last week. But our grandma doesn't know how to use tech stuff like Venmo. But then I remember my little sister had this craft stuff left over for my school presentation, and I thought we could actually go over there, make some really fun signs, and get her to toss the money out the window or something.
That's so sweet. What a great idea. And I wasn't the only one who thought so. Even the staff began to take notice, with many calling it one of the most heartwarming things they've ever seen.
Many of these elderly residents are lucky to have their grandkids ask them for money once a year, even when things are normal. When they saw these kids out on the lawn with signs that said, Grandma, do you have any money? And make it cash, please?
Their spirits were lifted. I bet their grandmother felt really special after seeing that. Oh, her face just lit up when she saw them outside. She even called us in so we could help slide an envelope of cash out the window. So many senior citizens rely on visits like this.
Without handing out 20s to disinterested teenagers, these people have no purpose. And these thoughtful kids did not stop there. When they realized that a lot of these old people haven't had any visitors at all, that gave them an even better idea.
We just thought it was so sad that they had all this money lying around. So we started going around to the other windows just to see if they had any cash they wanted to give us. We made like two grand so far.
This feels amazing. A relationship with a grandparent is a special thing. I'm sure they appreciate- Wait, there's one we haven't hit yet.
Hey! Hey, old lady! Over here! You got 50 bucks? Why isn't she looking over? Fucking death? Hey!
And ever since, Sydney and her sister have been inspiring others to do the same all over the country. In fact, their own mother was so inspired by her children that she sent them back the very next day, with a sign asking their grandmother to update her will before anything happens. For OPR, I'm Jenna Resnick. Hmm, just a wonderful story. If Sydney and her sister are listening, I want you to know that you have my utmost admiration.
And don't forget about the old bag's jewelry, too. It might not look like much, but some of that old shit's getting trendy again, and it could be worth a pretty penny, so make sure you get your hands on it before those nurses do. We'll be back in a moment. Well, if you're looking for a bit of exercise today, might I suggest listening to the rest of this news while walking in small circles around your coffee table? Just a suggestion. Here's what else you need to know today.
The nation's boyfriends have announced plans to spend an infuriating afternoon speaking in an Australian accent. He also followed up the announcement by clarifying that after spending several hours butchering the Aussies accent, they'd move on to an even more maddening Cockney accent to finish out the night.
In a bit of nature news, the nation's wildlife announced that they're only two weeks away from completely regaining control of planet Earth thanks to humans practicing social distancing. Elected leaders for all the animals across the world warned that an attempt to return to normal by the human race would result in their slow and painful death right in their very own front lawns.
And big news for one popular music and podcasting platform. Spotify announced today a new premium service that will finally allow users to control the volume. For just $11.99 a month, subscribers can listen to their favorite songs, albums, and daily news podcasts as loudly or softly as they'd like. And for just $4.99 more, they'll also be able to control the volume of the advertisements as well.
Hmm, sounds like quite a deal. And that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to like and subscribe wherever you get your podcast. And also, don't forget that if you're on a Zoom call and you play the topical loud enough for everyone to hear in the background, those count as listens for us too, even if it's not your meeting and you just tack in. They all add up. The bigger the room, the better. So be sure you're blasting tomorrow's episode and someone else's video conference. We'll see you then. The news doesn't stop just because this YouTube video has. For even more on all the worst things happening in the world right now, listen and subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. Be able to control the volume of the advertisements as well. Hmm, sounds like quite a deal. And that's it for The Topical today. I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to like and subscribe wherever you get your podcast. And also, don't forget that if you're on a Zoom call and you play the topical loud enough for everyone to hear in the background, those count as listens for us too, even if it's not your meeting and you just tack in. They all add up. The bigger the room, the better. So be sure you're blasting tomorrow's episode and someone else's video conference. We'll see you then. The news doesn't stop just because this YouTube video has. For even more on all the worst things happening in the world right now, listen and subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_marcello_hernandez_on_the_mlb_playoffs_snl | The Major League baseball season wrapped up this week and the playoffs are underway. Here To give us his thoughts is new Snl cast member Marcelo Hernandez. What's up, Marcelo? so are you a baseball fan? Well, Colin, you know, my mom is from Cuba and my dad is from the Dominican Republic, so obviously they're divorced. But it also means I love baseball, You know, Latinos dominate baseball and I'm not saying we're naturally better, I'm just saying we're more fun to watch. I mean, who would you rather watch play baseball?
Tanner from Kentucky Or a guy that they call Poppy And no one knows why this guy got so good at his job. everyone started calling him Dad. Like Colin. Has anybody here ever called you daddy? I'd rather not say what about. Like Aaron Judge, right?
He just hit his 60-second home run, set the Al record. Yeah, I think it's impressive, Colin, but there just wasn't enough emotion for me. He hits his 60-second home run, puts the bat down gently, and then it's a couple of high-fives and straight to the dog out. When a Dominican guy hits a home run, Colin, he throws the bat to a different dimension and once he gets the home plate, he thinks everyone he's ever encountered he's like, thank you to my mother and my sister and my father and that one guy for another day.
That's at one time everything changes when they bring out the Dominican guy. the American announcer who's been speaking English the whole game gets an accent all of a sudden. Now this guy named Jeff is like and now coming to the plate. cue them at any game. Music: Even the white guys in the crowd are like to go to. Good thing then this guy comes up and he pulls a chain out of nowhere. He tells the picture to relax and then he brings Jesus into it. He's like in the name of the father and that's how I know. He's cool. And then once he gets to batting Colin, it's all hips.
Do you feel that Colin? Pretty sure I feel it.
Everyone in the crowd is pregnant by the time he's done back and the postgame interviews are different. Colin White guys are so boring. They're always talking about the game. it's like we had a game plan and we executed it.
But I bet Latin guys do it different. don't do that Colin. I don't like that. But yes, after a baseball game, Latin guys. if they do get a sentence off in English, it's not about the game. The reporter is like what was going through your head on that three-two slider. and then Ramon is like man, I love Miami Man people. The food is amazing and if you notice Colin, they really only speak English. until they lose patience, you know you ask him a loaded question and they go well for this season. Hey, I think that a knock. I get that folk out because you don't. |
SaturdayNightLive | hawaii_flight_snl | Even in from the flight deck. we want to thank you again for flying with us. Should be a smooth ride. Hawaii computer has us touching down at 615 a.m. so I'm gonna ask the flight attendants did them the captain lights Let your folks get some rest? yeah, okay, that's real cute, but not he's likely gonna go ahead and stay on. What you just witnessed is Denise and I logging our millionth miles as flight attendants?
Y'all wanna know what that means? What else?
This plane is also celebrating a very special occasion tonight. Yes, right. this plane has now flown 10 million. Yeah, that sounds like a lot. Oh, it's not just a lot. it's illegal. But don't tell nobody cuz we made some good memories on this plane. Okay, remember that little bitty plane crash we got into. This plane has been in more than one crash. Man, this plane been in a bunch of crash. I fly into my grandmother's funeral and I do not need this right now. Oh, but ma'am not so worried. You grow through what you go through just like this plane. This plane here's oh oh, yeah, oh this hell y'all This plane lived in segregation.
No, look at this sign on the bathroom whites only. That's very upsetting. Everything you're saying is can I you stop talking and I can watch a movie? Oh well, I was about to tell you how to engine wasn't starting earlier. but wait, let me not because you try to watch phone. Yeah the engine isn't starting No. and I found this his crew under the plane before we took off. nobody knows where's from or where goes screw So, you know, it's essential. What just happened Did the plane just like turn off sir, it's 1 a.m. the engine's just taking a little nap. Sweet spot. Hey folks, just had a little hiccup with the engine.
There should be fine now. wait a minute. it's past midnight. that means it's your birthday. Happy 90th Birthday! We don't go ahead dim the cabin lights. y'all get y'all some rooms. oh nobody's gonna be able to sleep now. oh, you, it's cuz you excited, right? uh-huh, cuz the land. we're gonna need everyone to run to the front of the plane. We gotta work together y'all. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_the_teen_who_just_woke_saturday_night_live | President Obama unveiled a $3.8 trillion budget this week, the largest federal budget in history, which would create new jobs, but would also raise the deficit to a record-breaking $1.56 trillion. Here now to analyze the budget is our new correspondent, Liam, the teenager who just woke up. how's it going, Liam? I just woke up. Yeah. yeah, I can tell that you're supposed to come out here and analyze the budget for us.
Just, What? Scary. Five more minutes. No, Liam. Liam, we don't have five more minutes.
Okay, fine, fine. I'm up, Okay? I'm up.
What is it? Well, we want to know your thoughts on President Obama's new budget.
I just had the craziest dream, Seth. I was hooking up with this girl, and then I realized her body was a horse, but I was still really into it because her face was super cute. And then she sang me this beautiful song, and it was like, Liam, Liam, forget about my horse by day because my face is so foin'. horse body with a sexy face.
Anyway, what? the budget. All right, what do you want to know? Do you think this new budget proposal is fiscally responsible of President Obama?
Oh, yeah, Obama. Yes. he was in my dream, too. No. yeah. me and Obama were flying, but it was underwater, and then I started hooking up with this underwater lady who had the body of a seahorse, But it was okay because she had, like, a really cool personality. And then President Obama gave me, like, a sweet thumbs-up, and the seahorse lady was like, Liam, Liam, you're hangin'' underwater with the President. sexy seahorse by day, and Obama likes it.
Okay, I think that's enough. Liam, the teenager, just woke up. All right, we're back to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. |
SaturdayNightLive | corn_syrup_commercial_saturday_night_live | The following is a message from the Corn Syrup Producers of America. Wow, you don't care what the kids eat, huh? excuse me? uh, that has high fructose corn syrup in it. And? Well, you know the things they say about high fructose corn syrup. like what? well, um. that it's made from corn, it's natural enough, and like sugar, it's fine in moderation. I guess. you guess what? that you should have kept your mouth shut? I never. never what? never heard of science? You know, this is a real jam for me. Trust scientists, or stay-at-home mom Sheila from down the street who's having wine at 10 a.m. I'm sorry, let's just. let's just what? make a bigger deal about the corn syrup? at this fun party that I've invited you to, even though I didn't want to, because you say s*** like this? okay. um. hey, that's a great sweater. thanks. it was my daughter's, but she grew out of it. mommy! could I have some more juicy drinks? of course you can! Yes! she's cute. Yep. get the facts. check out our website and no other websites. |
cracked | how_to_get_away_with_watching_porn_at_work_using_history | Hey, Ronnie. Oh! Oh, jeez, Ronnie, come on! Hey, Mr. Bossman?
You can't be masturbating in here. Oh, to be fair, it's my masturbation break. First of all, it's just a break. And I'm gonna have to let you go, Ron, you get it? Fire me! For doing productive work? I sit here, and I hit my numbers, and you... He's stabby in the back. I'm sorry, Ron. Although, it's hard to feel bad when I can still see your erection through your pants. And you know, I hardly think that looking up pornography can be classified as productive work.
Oh, really? Come here, come here, look at this. Come on, come on.
Porn has single-handedly created every single worthwhile invention since the beginning of humanity. You didn't even close the window. In 1524, a book was published called iModi, and it had some really cool drawings of stuff. That's pretty cool. Not only did it have really cool erotic stories, it was the most popular piece of literature ever, like Bible popular. These fucktales taught people how to read this porn mag.
It's rad, sir. Rad, rad's the word, Ron, but you know, I don't think it justifies. What's this?
A CNN and USA Today article explaining that porn employs the top professionals in the fields of credit card verification, billing systems, combating identity theft. Not even including the market it's created for devices like VCRs. Flash devices. Anti-pirating innovations. Instant cameras. Instant cameras that let you put it in the toilet.
And the internet. What is the web, if not a place that we put porn and then also do other things on? This is all very thorough and awesome in its own way, Ron.
Don't get me wrong, but, you know, I can't have you jerking it in the office enough, man. If anything, your erection's bigger than when I came in here, and then all you've proven to me is that you can concoct an elaborate series of justifications in case anyone comes in and finds you masturbated. Well, the doors are made of glass, so, you know, be prepared. Well, I hope that you prepared yourself for the possibility of getting fired for touching yourself at work, Ron.
I'm sorry. Ron, I haven't even gotten to the future of porn. Come back.
There is a man, Elon Bunimovitz, and he is the CEO of Private Media Group, and they are working tirelessly on artificial intelligence.
In what capacity, you ask? Ask me in what capacity. In what capacity?
I'm not sexist. If that's true, then, forward me the link to the article. But after you get out of here, for a friend of mine, the article, when we look at porn, we're helping society. We're giving the innovators, the pioneers, the funding to do their work. When I log on to a porn site, I'm not slacking off. I'm doing my part literally.
Oh, Lord. Great! Hold all my calls for the week. Everybody, get in the conference room and whip your genitals out. Ron's gonna give a presentation. Ronnie, do you think that you can explain what you just explained to me to everyone in the office? I'm in the middle of a thing. Come on, Ronnie! I need you! My special Ron! Alright, then welcome to paradise, my friend. Simmons! Can we get you porn on the flat screen? Hi.
Thanks for watching that video. If you subscribe to our channel and we get enough subscribers, I'm gonna pop this shirt off. Ladies, you love it. Guys, you're gonna like it too. |
SaturdayNightLive | horny_little_dork_snl | So you and Dylan are coming up on five years, right? Yeah. Oh, he's such a sweet guy. Shannon. Yeah, um, Dylan's great. it's just that sometimes he's not himself, what do you mean?
Well, everything would be normal and then he'll like catch a glimpse of me getting out of the shower and he becomes he becomes what? horny little dark.
I saw your blue bees.
I have to go to work. Stop.
A few years into a relationship. I probably sound crazy. No, it's been happening with my husband.
To anything can trigger it.
Side boob, under butt, New sports bra.
He'll go from the man.
I love to horny Little torque. your presence is required in the bedroom. Yes. I'm in the middle of a workout. We'll only be about 10 minutes. Me lady. stop talking like a butler. Mitch does a robot I know. bra detected wiener status half-job I've been researching this phenomenon for years. there's evidence of horny little dark as I'm going back millennia.
I don't understand Doctor what happened to their game. tell me, what would you do if your husband took you in his arms? threw you on the bed and said i want you. Well, what do you think I would do?
I would laugh at him, obviously exactly, You know each other too. well for big romantic gestures. there has to be some way to stop this. There is. You can have sex with him. There has to be some way to stop this. variety.
Steve Baker rights chilling. Thank God.
I don't act this way.
Yeah, you do, right.
Steve Baker's wife.
Well, at least we're safe here. Any little dark coming soon to a relationship you're in. |
cracked | 5_dating_profile_photo_hacks_that_work_and_aren_t_worth_it_rom_com | Talk to us about profile pictures. What works? What doesn't? What makes you click? I like when a picture shows off a guy's sense of humor.
Hiking, kayaking, anything that highlights a sense of adventure. Running. But not you finishing a marathon. Get over yourself.
I like seeing a guy with a group of girls having fun. That's always a good sign. Six girls can stand him. I know he's probably not a creeper. I'd like to stand on him. But not just him and one girl being like, cute.
Is that your ex? Why do you still have pictures together? A picture of a guy with grandma? Dope. A picture of a guy with mom? Yikes.
Just marry her. You're obviously still in love with her.
I guess I'd be pretty down if he had a dog. Ooh, dogs. Dogs! Aww.
You mentioned musicianship. Are there any specific instruments that would be a turn-off? Clarinet. Flute. Piccolo. Anything really that makes it look like he's whispering secrets into a tiny robot penis? Ukulele. Marching band version of anything, except for drums.
And keytar. No, no, no, no. I've dated a few keytar players.
I'd be open to that again. A few? A fucking few?
Put a gun to my head. Ask me for the contact info for one keytar player and I'd have to be like, just kill me. I don't know any. Flip the trigger. Do you know why Kindlin is destroying us right now? I certainly hope it's not keytar related.
It's because they know that at the end of the day, humans are nothing more than vision-oriented sex monkeys who can't climb as well as actual monkeys. I'd like to see a monkey do this, though. Not a chance, stupid monkey.
They know it doesn't matter if you went to a prestigious military helicarrier, like I did, or one of those twaddle-do-nothing feel-gooderies like Harvard. You are not your experiences.
You're a gibbon, saying, ooh, this colobus monkey plays a guitar, me like. Although not an actual gibbon. Of course, they're such gifted climbers. They would never concern themselves with a colobus. You know so many types of monkey.
Kindlin will not let anything get in the way of instincts. They just put a picture right up in your face and then you just... Howl at it. Like a howler monkey.
That's the one that I know. Sorry to interrupt. Hey, I'm looking for Max. The photographer? Okay, hold the guitar up so I can see it.
Yeah, and keep your chin up. Women prefer that to photos of you with your face, like, straight on. Lose the smile?
Good. Taka! Somebody shut that bird up! I'm in the middle of... Oh, shit. What is Max's middle name? Sarah. No, it's not. Maxwell Saratigan, what the hell are you doing in company space on company time with this roughed-up columbaround? I'm Drew. I can explain.
Nope, looked it up. Columbaround's not a thing. Not a thing, people.
I'm staging profile pictures that are statistically more likely to get clicked on for our users, right? I give them props women would like, instruments or backpacking stuff, dogs. I use the same dog in, like, 30 profiles.
And I'm Drew. Ah! I mean, you're healed.
Fake scar. Most women will rate a guy's picture higher if he's got some slight facial scarring versus none. Shows that you're a survivor. I do like to know a man can take a punch. Or a trident.
We've got to step up our profile pic game. And let's be honest, we can't trust our idiot users to do it. Hey, Drew.
Wait, you actually did research for this plan? I really want the raise. So, yeah, I need that money. For later, to buy alcohol. For myself. So, yes, I compromised my morals a little bit and did some actual work.
Is that a crime? Speaking of which, is this the fake profile pictures thing? Is that a crime? I didn't have time to look up this stuff and what is or is not a crime, so I picked my path.
This is Andy or something, by the way. Yeah, but this is cheating. It isn't... So you can make a winning profile for anyone? No. No, not anyone. Ah!
Have you ever held a guitar before? No, forget the guitar. The guitar doesn't matter.
Oh, my God. Look, just try and make your face more symmetrical. No, not... What are you doing with your mouth? Not asymm... Okay, just look over your shoulder. Oh, God, no. You realize you're wearing blue in front of a blue screen, right?
He's my white whale. Piece of shit half-links, my white whale.
It's brilliant. I love it.
Do it more and harder. And you, you there, you, boy. When this is successful, spread the word. Tell your little friends.
Wait, so when I do something kind of unethical, you're all like, Josie, that's kind of unethical, but when Max does something... Excellent work, Maximilian. What happened to Maxwell? Max is pulling ahead, Josephie.
Oh, boy.
Why are you here? Why are you still here?
Shut up. We can't know that. What metric could you possibly be pulling that stat from?
Hey, up there. So you guys knew that Maxwell was here, huh? Okay, because I asked you about four minutes ago, and you both just stared at each other and walked away in silence. Oh, right. This guy. From a four. Hey, Drew, what up? Good to see you again.
Uh, no, Gus.
And, uh, listen, I need the dog from the profile pics. No, I need it. I got a date because of that profile picture.
It's at a dog park. Okay, well, hold on. I've been here first, and it's been about 30 minutes, so...
Where's that dog? I need it in the scar tube. Ooh, do you have a dog with the scars? Hey, I need that dog on T-coaster. You need a dog that can hold its breath for a while? No, no, no. I need that dog in a shoebox full of haunted arrowheads. I need a dog, a bird, and some surgical equipment. You need that dog in Lawrence Fishburne's driver's license? I need that dog in a bunch of Bible... Oh, right. You have dogs?
Oh, shut it down, you worthless tamarind. That's a type of monkey. A sucky one. No, wait, wait, wait, wait! They'll take a tamarind.
In the comments, make sure you talk a little bit about your experience with profile pictures. Yeah, what do you look for? What did we miss in the thing? Yeah, what looks good, what doesn't.
All that jazz. Thanks. |
cracked | the_future_of_artificial_intelligence_will_be_rated_x_today_s_topic | Yeah, I'd f*** a robot. How many conversations a day start like that for you? A lot. Just seriously. It would have to be at the far end of the uncanny valley, but I'm pretty sure I've gotten over most if not all of the moral implications that come with f***ing a robot. You can't say no seriously and then spew a bunch of nonsense. Why would you bang a robot when we both know that you're partial to a warmed cantile?
Have you seen what they can do with animatronics? The movie Prometheus has the decapitated head of a demigod hit a full range of emotion in like 10 seconds. Granted, some of them are creepier than others. Those are all dude faces. And a demon baby. He makes girl ones, too. This guy, Gustav Hogan, has been making perfect recreations of the human face.
For years. For this, probably. It's still just a face on a bunch of wires. You can't put fluids in there. Maybe not yet, man, but modify a fleshline. You've got yourself an A1 repository.
If history has taught us anything, it's that sex drives progress. What was the first jpeg image? Porn. What is the highest grossing webcommerce? Porn. Mark my words, our insatiable need for porn will make animatronic sexbots a discreetly purchasable reality.
Yeah, but where's the spark? Seriously, without some kind of emotional connection, it's just sex with a hot squishy pillow. You silver tongue devil. It would need to have a personality. If she responds to my, let's make tonight magical, with error, it would just kill the mood. Let's make tonight magical. Shut up. Man, seriously, at least half the people you've slept with haven't sparked that deep emotional connection.
Sure, but given the choice, I want personality. I want a socializing chatbot that at least seems interested in me. So you'd rather chat than bone. No, I'd rather chat than bone. Chatbots can learn from their conversations and remember that information later. I want my squishy sex pillow with a hot mouth to know what I like.
You're making it so much harder. You're setting the cause back decades. Not necessarily.
It's full teams of scientists working to develop incredibly realistic social AI. Do you know what kismet is? It's one of the first AIs to display realistic social behavior. It can recognize human eye movements. It knows when someone else enters the room.
Although it does kind of look like a skinned Furby. Do you really think so?
I'd have to be really drunk, but they're not all for f***ing. Kismet is just the first step. You take that AI and you put it in your sexy animatronic robot, bam, you got an emotional and physically stimulating sexbot. You're one sexy man.
Fill up, J-Fry. Oh, shit. What? Well, that means it would know it was hot.
And then compare us to its list of sexy people and turn us down like any real girl. Yeah, absolutely turn you down.
But that's just the future of human sexuality. There isn't one. Yeah.
That's f***ing vegetable. Not like a person in a coma. You know, like an actual vegetable.
Oh, no, yeah, I got it. Hey, everybody. This is Dan. Thanks for watching our videos. Please subscribe. I'm sorry.
I just saw Die Hard Five before doing this and I can't, I know I said I was going to talk about it, but I can't think about anything else. It was so bad and it wasn't a Die Hard movie and I had never written a Die Hard movie, but I could write a much better Die Hard movie. And so could you. I've never met you, but I know that you could do it better.
There was no heart to it. No one was having any fun. None of the relationships between characters made any sense. No one died that hard at all. It wasn't clear what the villain's plan was or really at any time.
Just calm down Dan. Just calm down. No, I want to workshop all this out. |
TheOnion | pop_pilgrims_chicago_the_blues_brothers_bridge | When the AV Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books, or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims.
Few movies have taken advantage of Chicago quite like the Blues Brothers, John Landis' 1980 musical comedy starring John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd as Jake and Elwood Blues, shifty musicians on a mission from God. There are literally dozens of Blues Brothers locations to visit, but our pilgrimage takes us to a key early scene where the brothers have a confrontation on a bridge with the American Socialist White People's Party, Illinois Nazis. As the Nazis discover, Jake Blues hates Illinois Nazis.
What do you think it is that's so unique about this little bridge? We're not very far from downtown Chicago, and yet we're in this pastoral setting with this sort of babbling brook going by. I mean, you don't have to go too far to find something that's outside of the skyscraper canyons. There's not a whole lot of traffic coming through here, so it was a great place to work in terms of staging this traffic jam and the water being not so deep so when everybody jumped in they didn't have to fish them out with hooks.
We're gonna kill that son of a bitch. It was a huge deal in Chicago when the Blues Brothers shot here. Prior to that there had been a few notable projects that had shot around Chicago, but nothing quite like the Blues Brothers. In fact, not at all like the Blues Brothers as much as when the film came out and it received some success at the box office. I think its most enthusiastic audience were other filmmakers in other studios who saw that film and figured, man, they'll let you do just about anything in Chicago. It was very visible. It seemed like they had the keys to the city and the mythology that built up around the parties and the cars being crashed and everything that they were doing was truly a pop culture event. They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God. One thing people really love about Blues Brothers is not just that it used the city well, but that it kind of was giving the middle finger to public areas like dropping cars and driving through Daily Plaza. The notion of excess was to be embraced fully on that production and that was part of its fun obviously, but more cars, more tanks, more SWAT teams, more helicopters. It was, I think, the point, frankly. Yeah, and when I say my name is Dan Telfer, I mean, I'm sure everyone's aware. It sounds familiar. Of course, I am the son of William Artelfer Jr. who played police officer number 7132 in Blues Brothers. Would you give the Blues Brothers the title of the definitive Chicago movie? It is definitive as a showcase for Chicago people as well as its culture, as well as just the spectacle of the production and the fact that it happened before all these other films that we're so much more familiar with these days. It was like the first to really bend the rules and put its stamp on popular culture. I would have to say it's very much the definitive Chicago film. |
cracked | why_9_11_changed_superhero_movies_forever_iron_man_the_dark_knight | Hey.
Are you excited for an upcoming superhero movie? What? Like, I can't wait for a superhero character to battle villain character in a city until everything gets destroyed just like 9-11. Oh, it's a bit. You're doing a bit. You're doing a joke about how all superhero films reference our most recent national tragedy. Fun. It's all of them. I don't know. Pretty sure we've been blowing up buildings and movies since forever. Yeah. Destruction's great. Completely the best. When it's fictional though. But it's the only thing that happens. Think about it. Avengers, Civil War, Captain America, Thor, Thor II, Batman vs Superman, Man of Steel.
In the 90s, when we were being potty trained at learning to wrestle sharks, superheroes would prevent the destruction. Learning to what? Potty trained?
Now, they just respond to it. Is your point that superhero movies are getting more realistic? No. I mean, they're still about space vikings and mutants and nice billionaires. But they take place in a world that's more similar to ours. That's true. And Hawkeye's basically just rounding up and protecting civilians like a standard cop or firefighter would.
Spider-Man was being made during 9-11. They had to cut a scene involving the World Trade Center and then they added a scene where some New Yorkers come together and support Spider-Man. Are you messing with Spider-Man?
Are you messing with all the New Yorkers? A pizza pie? Forget about it. You mess with one of us. You mess with all of us.
Yeah, let's not. No, never again. But also never forget.
Of course. But are you sure this is a 9-11 thing? I mean, it's not a coincidence that we started making superhero movies the second the CGI technology got good enough for us to do it convincingly. That's part of it, sure.
But it's also true that the superhero arc is identical to what America went through after 9-11. All superheroes start off by going through a major tragedy. Batman loses his parents.
Tony Stark gets a chest full of shrapnel. Thor loses his favorite hammer. Don't, don't, don't minimize that. Mjolnir was forged by Eitri of Uru.
But then they learn from this experience and they either get stronger or build some robot armor and go on to solve bigger problems. Peter Parker's post-Uncle Ben life is like America, post 9-11. But these superheroes and their origins existed in comic book form for decades before 9-11. Yeah, but in the context of these films, Hollywood isn't just throwing in 9-11 references for shock value. It's allowing us to process the tragedy through the lens of fiction. That's why the further you get from 2001, the more morally complicated the superhero movies get. Like Iron Man deals with the corruption in the military industrial complex. Batman in Dark Knight does wiretapping and extradites a foreign national. Watchmen is...
I mean I read the graphic novel book so I know what it's about. Yeah, me too. We shouldn't just like, no reason to get into the themes it's about. Of course not. The point is we're projecting ourselves and our moral decisions onto these characters so that we can more easily reflect on them. Like Japan and Godzilla. Exactly. Do you actually already know my whole, what I'm talking about or I had a whole thing prepared. I'm super interested but I kind of forgot how to admit that I don't know something. Cool.
So Godzilla and those early kaiju films, that was how the people of Japan were processing their feelings about nuclear bombs after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Giant, silly robot monsters? Silly. The first Gojira was dark as hell. It was filmed just a few months after the U.S. accidentally caught a Japanese fishing boat in a bomb test experiment. And the movie opens with Godzilla destroying a Japanese fishing boat. It was actually pretty on the nose. Was Gojira criticized for exploiting national fears in a crass way?
Sure was. It's a shame because silly fiction is often the best way to explore difficult or painful concepts. Comedy too. Indeed. It's like spaceballs. What? Oh, are you familiar with the Black Jackins, the Haitian Revolution? It's basically spaceballs. So Lone Star is essentially Toussaint L'Ouverture. The peri-heel I suppose is Barf the Dog? No, that can't be right. |
dropout | mankind_s_last_hope_people_who_are_good_at_online_quizzes | Oh cool! I can see the full range of the color blue. What?
Oh no, these aren't real. These Facebook quizzes don't mean anything.
Miss Maravich.
Yes? Our data indicates you scored a hundred on the Facebook color quiz. Is that true? Um, yes.
What's this all about? Pack your bags. You've got ten minutes. You're coming with me. Oh, I'm actually ready. What about me? Okay people, listen up.
This is Katie Maravich. She's the final member of the team.
Now can you tell us what's going on? What might be called first contact. We've made contact with the ship. She had to be determined if they're peaceful or not. That's where you come in. You're clearly the best and the brightest. We need you to bridge the gap between our worlds.
Miss Maravich, according to your last quiz, you're able to see the entire spectrum of the color blue. Mr. Oyama, you have the keen ability to read an entire paragraph where some of the letters may be missing or the words backwards. According to the quiz, only one percent of Americans can actually do that. Mr. Tart, you scored a perfect twelve out of twelve on a Buzzfeed facial recognition quiz. Yeah, yeah I did that. Miss Beardsley, while not a quiz, you share that you relate to an article about how having a messy room and sleeping in correlates to higher intelligence.
No disrespect to anyone. I don't know if I understand this. Welcome to the team. Your mission is to decode the message we've received. Good luck. Hello, hey. Yeah, peaceful? Yeah, this makes sense. Guys, I've got it.
It's quizzes. They communicate in quizzes.
Yes! Twelve out of twelve. They're geniuses too! Oh my god! This definitely makes sense.
We're smart. They're smart. We're smart. They're smart. And we're smart. They're smart. We're smart. They're smart.
Oh god! Oh Frankie! Frankie said help! Oh somebody please!
Jane!
I'm dying please! Why won't anyone help me? It's been so long! Anyone? Oh! Even Grant! I take help from Grant! |
dropout | every_7_seconds_tailor | They say a man thinks about sex every seven seconds. That's obviously impossible.
Right? A new suit. What's the occasion? My aunt's getting remarried. That's exciting. Uh, yeah, I mean kind of. It's like her fifth husband, so no one's holding out too much hope.
I'm sorry to head out. How does this feel, you dirty boy? You have enough room?
Uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Uh, weddings, right? So much family time.
Tell me about it. Put this on, dirtbag. What?
No! Oh, going without a suit jacket.
I don't care, look. I like it.
No, I want it. I want it. But, no, you want it. You want it bad, you're a bad boy. You deserve this, you little tad.
No! I'm sorry, did I stick you? No, no, no, I'm fine, thanks. Although, if we could hurry this up, we got to get out of here.
Oh, little bitch boy thinks he's going somewhere. You're my prisoner, little bitch boy. They'll lick my feet.
Six feet on the dot. I need some leave. Excuse me, how long is the wait I need to get this end? |
dropout | the_six_craziest_christmas_traditions | These are the top six craziest Christmas traditions from around the world. Number one, the Cagane. The nativity scene. Collection of great holy figures. Wise kings, angels, the virgin mother, the son of God, and a random dude taking a shit. This is the Cagane, or the shitter. And in Catalonia and the surrounding region, he's an essential part of every nativity scene. Number two, the Krampus. I'm sorry, did you get that? There's a guy taking a shit in the nativity scene.
And this isn't like some new tradition that like some teens started as a prank or something. They've been doing this for 300 years. 300, that means there have been little ceramic men taking little ceramic shits in Catalonian nativity scenes for longer than the United States has even been a country.
But many of you have never heard of this before. Some of you don't believe that this is a real thing. Why are we not talking about this all the time?
But yeah, the Krampus, it's like an evil Santa. You've heard of it. They're making a movie or three about it this year. It's fine.
There's a man taking a shit. Number three, Suantepi.
In the Netherlands, there's a tradition that, okay, I'm sorry to keep belaboring this, but I don't think you understand how popular the Cagane is. In 2005, the city of Barcelona decided not to include one in the city's nativity scene, and people were furious. There was a huge Save the Cagane campaign, and it was successful. It won. The people convinced the government to add a man squatting down, spreading his cheeks, and squeezing out a perfectly coiled turd into the nativity scene. Think about that for a moment. In America, people are angry when coffee cups don't feature Jesus enough. And in Barcelona, they were angry when Christ wasn't sharing the spotlight with a man dropping a deuce. But fine, Suantepi, it's like a blackface thing in the Netherlands.
There's a new story about it every year. I think it was in a David Sedaris book. I think you've heard of it. Number four, the U- Here's another thing about the Cagane.
Okay, if this little shitter didn't already seem out of place enough, you can get anyone you want crapping in your manger. A Lady Gaga, SpongeBob Squarepants, Barack Obama, complete with dangling dick and balls, they can all be yours right now. Even though, archeologists are fairly sure that SpongeBob wasn't even alive during biblical times.
Number five. You wanna know the craziest thing about the Cagane though? It's this. It's why this tradition exists in the first place. Are you ready?
Nobody knows. Nobody knows! There's a man shooting in the nativity scene and no one knows why.
They've been doing this since the late 17th century and no one stopped to go, wait, why are we doing this? Are we sure this goes here? Hey, maybe we should write down our thought process so future generations can understand what the fuck is going on here. There's theories about why it might be there, but no one knows for sure. We have a better idea of what's going on inside a black hole than why the Queen of England is pinching one off in Bethlehem.
Okay. That's it, I guess. I'm sorry. Done talking about the Cagane.
We can go back to the lists. Are we still doing the lists?
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
TheOnion | National_Park_Service_Under_Fire_For_Wasting_40M_To_Pamper_A_Charming_Moose_The_Topical_Ep_41 | Outraged today as leaked finance records from the National Park Service reveals a gross misusage of funds. How could the agency manage to spend over 40 million dollars all on a single moose?
From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the topical. Stay with us. We'll spoon feed you the facts faster than any other news podcast. Just be careful not to choke.
Hey, dumbass. Yeah, you. Ever heard of money dipshit? Ever heard of the internet?
Well, money is now on the internet. It's called Cash App, and it's the number one finance app in the App Store. Download Cash App today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code TOPICAL. Use it to buy a sandwich or something.
I don't care.
The National Park Service is under fire this week after internal audits revealed the agency has spent over 40 million dollars to pamper a single, charming moose. Though politicians from both sides of the aisle are calling the expenditures wasteful, NPS officials are defending their decision to spoil the moose, who they've named Alton. We're joined by OPR correspondent Loretta Cook in Glacier National Park covering this story.
Hello, Loretta. Hello, Leslie.
So, 40 million dollars allocated to one animal. This is pretty unusual, is it not? It certainly is. The National Park Service normally spends very little money on individual animals. However, emails from within the NPS revealed top officials have become enamored with Alton, a 1,200-pound bull moose they describe as charismatic with a magnetic personality and hazel eyes that make you feel truly seen. And they're attempting to woo him. How exactly is the money being spent? Gifts, mostly. Expense reports from Glacier National Park's internal audit show Rangers have spent eight million dollars on housing the moose in a luxury wilderness resort, two million dollars on high-end meals and trips, and over five hundred thousand on custom suits alone. That does seem excessive. How are officials defending these expenses? NPS representatives have been adamant that it is completely within the agency's purview to give special treatment to specific animals deemed exceptional.
This is how Glacier Superintendent Jeff Mao explained it. You know, maybe if some of you bothered to take the time to get to know Alton before judging him, you'd understand, okay? In fact, you know what? I'm petitioning the advisory board to provide an additional three million dollars to Clearcut and Aspen Grove so Alton has more room to frolic. I love that moose. Strong words from the superintendent. And everyone at the NPS is in agreement on spending millions of dollars on this debonair moose? Well, I spoke with several park rangers, and the results are mixed. Take a listen.
Look, he's just a regular moose. It's wrong to waste taxpayer money on one stupid animal. And really, most moose all look the same. They might not have even been pampering the same one for all they know.
One time we stayed up all night just to watch the sunrise. He's so dreamy.
Oh my God, did he mention me? It appears that Alton may have more admirers than detractors. That's right. And his biggest admirer may just be National Park Service acting director P. Daniel Smith, who just yesterday posted several photos to his personal Instagram from a beach resort in Greece with Alton the moose. In one, the pair can be seen standing on a yacht smoking cigars together, while in another, the moose appears to be at a club surrounded by dancing women, all allegedly on NPS's dime. Wow. Well, it sounds like this controversy is far from over.
OPR's Loretta Cook. Thank you, Loretta. Thank you.
I mean, I got bills, son. You feel me? Hell to the yes.
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We stan. Hey, sorry. I know you're in a hurry to get out the door and get to that thing you have to go to today, so I'll make the rest of this quick. Here's what else we need to know today. That was presidential candidate Joe Biden issuing a strong message to voters today.
The Democratic front-runner used Morse code to condemn the Trump administration's inadequate response to the coronavirus crisis, and as you can hear from the following clip, he's not pulling any punches. The CDC is urging Americans to help prevent the spread of germs by beatboxing into their elbow. Officials are also reminding people that if you have no other choice but to beatbox into your hands in order to make the sickest beats possible, it's important not to touch your face afterward.
And finally, Dole Foods has announced it will be releasing a new voice-activated grapefruit. The new piece of subtropical citrus technology is said to be available in grocery stores across the country, but frankly, I'll just take their word for it. You couldn't pay me to go to the supermarket right now. It does sound like a cool piece of fruit though. And that's it for the topical today.
I'm Leslie Price, and I want to thank you all for listening. In times like these, we often seek out a voice of comfort and reassurance, and I hope if only in some small way, I can provide that to you all. Before we go, I'd like to leave you with this. As hard as things may seem right now, it's important to keep your chin up and just remember, things are going to get a lot, lot worse before they get any better. So buckle up. We'll see you tomorrow. |
dropout | kirby_the_attorney_tournament_of_champions_pt_1 | From She-Ra to Mothra, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but they're something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Ashley. Joining us today, we have Shane Crown. Hello there. We have Jon, Gutes, Gutierrez, Kapla, and Allie Beardsley.
Put that thing back where you came from, I just want to help you. We can't use it, we don't have the rights, we don't have the rights, we don't have the rights.
What is a fun thing about this episode is that all three of you at some point have either won an episode of Um, Ashley or tied for first in Um, Ashley, and that's going to be the case for our next two episodes as well. The winner of this episode will face those winners in a final Tournament of Champions. Tournament of Champions! Well you've all been here before, you've all won one before, so you know what's going on here, but in case you don't, these are incorrect statements about the things that you know and love. It's up to you to buzz in and correct me, your corrections must be preceded by the phrase um, actually, and you can interrupt me whenever you want.
How's everyone feeling? Feeling pretty good. Confident. A little fearful, I'd say, going up against champions.
Yeah. You know. Champions in very large quotes. Yeah.
Who knows who you were competing against last time you won, it could have been a bunch of dum dums. Don't roll tape, don't imply that I called anyone a dum dum.
We will roll right into it then, uh, with our first question. Bring it, trap. Here we go. I will bring it. I'll bring it straight to you. I wasn't prepared for someone bringing it. It is 5am and I'm on one. I've lived my whole life not bringing it in a very mild manner, that's kind of how I, that's why I like a lot of this stuff, so if someone's gonna be bringing it, okay! Bring it! Here we go! I just do this all sports. Yeah. Hands on knees, bring it!
Female Smurfs are extremely rare in the Smurf Village. In fact, the original animated series has only three female Smurfs, Smurfette, Sassette and Nanny Smurf, this is because female Smurfs are born only once every thirty years. Um, actually, there's a mama Smurf. Mama Smurf? Mama don't know. If there's a papa Smurf, isn't there a mama Smurf? You think that's a nice parallelism, but no, papa Smurf is just, he's a single papa.
I remember that episode, where you really dive into him eating a loom of his stuff. He's got like a wife beater on, his hat is like hung up in the corner, just like, I don't know. Eating noodles.
Yeah. Brainy Smurf, I think is the only one who's gonna make it in the world. No, no, that is incorrect. Oh, Shane beat goots to it. Um, actually, there are only two female Smurfs. No, that is incorrect. Boots.
Um, actually, Smurfs aren't born, and Smurfette and the female Smurfs weren't born either. An Anana Smurf, I can't remember the origins of, but Sasset and Smurfette were both created by Gargamel's magic, so they're not born every thirty years. That is correct for the most part. I think there might be some errors in there, but you have what I was going for, which is that Smurfette was created by Gargamel is not born. Sasset, I think, was actually created by other Smurfs who were using Gargamel's magic, but female Smurfs specifically have to be created by magic in order to exist. Problematic Smurfs.
Oh, yeah, of course. Definitely.
I remember reading that Peyo was really sexist during the creation of the Smurfs, and they asked him, like, can you, we need to come up with stuff that Smurfette can do, and then he was like, why? I mean, she already tempts the other Smurfs and causes problems.
That's enough. And then you're like, well, they need to be more proactive. And he's like, what do you? Is she a gym teacher? You can express. Oh, my God. Yeah.
Lots of problems there. Well, that is a point for Goots on deep Smurf lore, so we'll move on now. This is kind of a general sci-fi alien related question. A recurring feature of alien invasion stories is the discovery of a but now weakness of otherwise invincible aliens. In the Anamorph series, yerks are driven insane with addiction if exposed to instant maple and ginger oatmeal. The aliens in Mars Attacks are weak to the selenium in Head and Shoulder Shampoo, and the aliens in Signs are destroyed when they come in contact with water, Goots. The aliens in Mars Attacks are not weak to Head and Shoulder Shampoo. They're weak to the yodeling of, I believe, wailing Jennings or country music.
I don't believe you said um, actually. Is that correct? Oh, no. So I'm not going to say anything. I'm not going to reveal whether or not you're correct or not, but I cannot give you the point. Uh, Shane?
Um, actually, the aliens in Mars Attacks are weak to music. I think it's just music.
Goots was more accurate than you are, but you said um, actually. This feels like a travesty. Um, actually. I'll give you the- In Signs? You're just like, they're definitely way wrong. They're both way off. Let me clean this up, okay? Um, actually. Gosh, what is just here? What is just and right in this screwy, screwy world? Because Goots was certainly more correct, but well, what you said was not wrong. I guess, Shane, you get the point. This feels bad, but here we are.
I don't know why I changed it, either, because you said it was right. I was like, let me see if I can be more right. Let me see if I can be more right by being less specific. I was trying to justify stealing the point, because I felt bad about stealing the point. I was like, oh, if I steal it, I can at least add something to it. It's like a dumb high schooler, like learning what plagiarism is for the first time, where it's like, if I change one word, that's fine.
Yeah, yeah. Uh, no. Well, I'm going to give you the point. Um, it is the aliens in Mars Attacks are weak to a very specific song. It is a yodeling country song, but the song is Slim Whitman's Indian Love Call. You got the specific name wrong. You just said music, which is generally untrue, but it wasn't clear that it was a specific song. I guess I'll give you the point, although...
I said just music. Just music. I believe it was just music.
Well, we'll still give you the point. A spiritual point for Goots, which doesn't mean anything, but you can at least have the satisfaction that you are a little bit closer than Shane was. We're all tied up, I guess. Well, hold on a second. Well, here is a question. Here's a video game-related question for all y'all.
Some of the most famous Nintendo characters are named after real people. Mario was named after Mario Sagale, who was Nintendo of America's warehouse landlord. Kirby is named for American lawyer John Kirby, who defended Nintendo in a lawsuit. Princess Zelda was named after artist Zelda Flannery, created several iconic Nintendo game covers.
Yes, Ally. Kirby was not named after a lawyer. Kirby was named after... something else. That's the one that's wrong. I'll zack you. No, in fact, Kirby was named after American lawyer John Kirby. But you can look at Kirby and see, that guy looks like a lawyer, right? I do think I had a shirt of Kirby holding a briefcase. If you got arrested, and you're like, I need a lawyer, and then Kirby walked in, and just be like, hmm...
I'd be like, fuck yeah. Just sucks it. Grows a judge's wig, and then there's a little gavel. This sounds great.
They've got to make Kirby legal games. You got Kirby law in order. In the criminal justice system.
No, that isn't correct, though. Zelda wasn't named after the artist.
You've got to say, I'm actually my man. I just went through a traumatic nightmare.
Ally just didn't learn anything.
No, it's five a.m. from Goose. I've forgotten the lessons of the show already. I'm actually...
Zelda wasn't named after that artist. She was named after 1920s Bon Vivant Zelda Fitzgerald. That's entirely correct. You were ending with a bit of a guess, but yeah, Zelda Flannery was just a name I made up. It's not an artist who did anything. And in fact, Zelda was named after... Yeah, 1920s wife of F. Scott Fitzgerald. Zelda Fitzgerald.
Wow. Makes me really want flappers of Hyrule. Zelda edition of just like it's all set in like 1920s jazz age America. You must assemble the parts of the Algonquin Roundtable. Bunch of fairies with like long cigarette holders. Hot. That's a point for Kootsie.
You gotta watch out for those... Ally's not gonna look out for you. I can't protect you much longer, okay? Someday you'll be all grown up, and I won't be around to protect you.
I gotta go to work, son. Well, we will move on to our next statement here.
Kubrick's 2001 A Space Odyssey, based on the Arthur C. Clarke novel of the same name, takes place largely on Discovery 1, a spacecraft controlled almost entirely by the computer HAL 9000.
Shane. Um, actually, the name of the ship is not Discovery 1. What is the name of the ship? Oh, no. I thought you were gonna ask something like that. Yeah. The name of the ship is Curiosity 12. Well, I'll say that's not what's wrong with it. I just wanted to see what you would guess. I wanted to see if you would have a nice, fun answer for what a spaceship might be. So, no, it is in fact called the Discovery 1. Um, actually? Thank you.
It's not based on the book by Arthur C. Clarke. Arthur C. Clarke and Stanley Kubrick developed the story together, and neither of them based it on each other.
They just came out at the same time. That's correct, yeah. The screenplay and the novel were written simultaneously, and they both shared authorship credits on it. Wow, that's crazy. I know. They just worked on it both together. So it's a movie novelization. It is an ouroboros of like a novel based on a movie and a movie based on a novel. They both orbit each other.
It was just born from nothing. Yes, it just came to be.
Well, that is another point for Gooths. And this brings us to our first shiny question. Now, shiny question, like shiny Pokemon. Worth the same number of points. Just a little bit different, a little bit rarer. Although as one of our viewers pointed out, it is not the exact same rarity at which shiny Pokemon occur. It is far more common than the rarity of shiny Pokemon.
We're not changing anything, but thank you for that.
These are technological sounds across parts of sci-fi. It's up to you to identify the piece of technology that you're hearing when you hear these sounds. Whoever can identify the most bits of tech will get the one point for the shiny question.
Cool? Cool. Great.
Let's hear that first sound. I believe that's the next generation transporter from Star Trek the next generation? I didn't even need that much specificity. I was just looking for the transporter energizer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is in fact what that is.
I normally preference this for shiny questions. You don't have to say them actually. You didn't anyway, but it still finds a shiny question.
I'm saying it just because I'm not going to be here forever. You're going to be on your own. You're going to be correcting someone, and I won't be there, and I need to know. I'm working the security shack.
And that's it for this preview of Um, Actually. If you liked it, there's a whole lot more waiting for you on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.
I'm Mike Trapp reminding you to get your pets spayed and neutered and to get your zombie pets obliterated. Zombie pets. Not the pets you loved anymore.
They're gone.
Kill them.
Spelling in English is hard enough. Spelling in sci-fi and fantasy even harder. So we're going to give you a name of something from science fiction and fantasy. First person to spell it correctly will get the point. Your word is parthurnax. |
dropout | if_you_knew_how_your_relationship_would_end_upon_first_sight | I think I'm gonna lay. Allie, are you okay? Yeah, I hit my head really hard on the way over. Like concussion hard or see into the future hard? I think see into the future hard.
Cool. Allie, this is Brian from work. What is it? The future. I love you, Brian, from Cassandra's work. Here we go. Happy anniversary, sweetheart. Brian, honey, are you really doing this again? I have to. You know the old rhyme.
If sons leave their mothers for other lovers, then who will walk down the Esplanade? Who? Who!
Hi. Brian, wow. Great to meet you.
See you later. Bye. What was that? It happened again, Mom. Oh. Sorry.
Is this cheese taken? Their possible future. Why did you bet our home? I had a great hand. You have never played poker before. That was my tell. That is not what that term means. Is this cheese taken?
Get me out of this hopeless house. Goodbye to you two. Ellie, why are you yelling?
It's just... Hey, don't worry about it. Orderves totally freak me out too. Chase. No, no, no. Way into the future.
I love you, honey. And I, you. Oh, honey, your glass is off its coaster. Well, I've been sleeping with your sister for 30 full years.
Well, this was really fun. Did you have fun? I did not. |
dropout | the_apple_i | I have been waiting for this moment for 52 years. When I was just a fetus, floating in the warmth of my mother's womb, I had a vision. It shone to me through the darkness of the amniotic fluid. It opened my mind and illuminated my heart box. And tonight, that vision becomes a revolution that will alter reality forever.
The 90s are not important. And I don't have to remind you about the last few years.
And now, we bring you the eye. The eye is shiny.
It's chrome. It's silicon dioxide. Chromy, glassy, shiny. It's so shiny, you can't tell the difference between the chrome and the glass, or from the other metals. And there are metals all over this thing. Metals that you haven't even heard of before, like palladium, like polonium beryllium. Base metals, like nickel, that our alchemists have transmuted into gold, white gold, with a shiny, chrome-y, glassy curve.
Like the curve of a woman, soft, supple, longing for your touch, waking up and making you breakfast, orange juice, toast, scrambled eggs. Is it love? Yes, it is.
And that is just the front. The back. And we think this is really cool. The back is glossy. A glossy, celluloid, matrix composite that is both reflective and smooth to the touch. Oh, and what are those?
And you can feel them with your fingertip just like that. Remarkable. One more thing. If we turn it over, what have we here? A nub. A glowing LCD nub, fully luminescent, fully metallic, and 100% spherical. And now, here it is. Isn't she a beauty? I'd like to show you the first commercial we've done for the eye. Would you like to see that? Here it is.
Now, how much will it... Well, that depends on how rich you are. The wealthier you are, the less expensive it'll seem. And now, John Mayer. |
dropout | full_benefits_dinner_party_season_finale | Do you know what time it is? Yeah, it's 10.30. How are you already asleep?
David? Huh?
Come on, I'm bored. Let's play a game. Fine.
How about Eye Spy? You can't play Eye Spy over the phone.
It's blue. Your sheets. You win. David? I just want to thank you guys for being here to celebrate my 37th birthday. Dance 37?
Unfortunately my wife Cheryl couldn't be here tonight. Dan has a wife? Our babysitter canceled, so she's at home with our three beautiful kids.
Now the kids I know about. It's been an incredible 37 years with all of you. We've been friends since we were born. We'll be friends till we die. Here's to another 37, buddy. Cheers.
What was that? Oh, the fruit punch has gone bad. It's wine. Then why is it in her fruit punch glass?
You're cute. Hey everyone, I bear. Dan, so sorry I'm late. I hope you can all forgive me.
And I saw not only fear, but respect. And then she died in my arms.
And the spirit of that bear. The spirit of that bear lives in me. Great, I'm a bear.
Does anyone else want something to drink? Okay, tell it again from the top. Okay, bathroom. Oh, I'll come. Girl talk. You okay in there? It's like a jagged brick. Hey Joe, this one's a mask. Thanks. You know her? Yeah, she's another one of my bears. Nice. Wait, what?
Actually, there are a lot of my bears at this restaurant. Bear, bear, bear, bear. Ugh, that's an old bear.
What can I say? I love to fuck. Hey David, do you want to go outside? Yes.
Uh, I just haven't seen the moon yet tonight. I love the moon.
Okay. Okay, Sarah, you have to end things with Joe. He is not the guy I thought he was. Okay, what? You loved Joe. I did. But he broke my heart. Okay, what are you talking about?
He's a sleaze. Sorry, he's sleeping with like 10 other women.
Ew, seriously? Are you okay? Actually, yeah.
He's kind of annoying. And he keeps telling people the exact same story.
And so I look into the bear's eyes and she looks into mine. Yeah, it is so hard not to like it. And to be honest, most of the time I was with him, I was thinking of you.
Weird. We don't look anything alike. I mean, I wish we did, but... Okay, that's not what I meant. Ah man, this is hard. As many have told you a million times, the up arrow on the thermostat doesn't turn up the air. Listen, I know I said I wasn't ready for the whole dating thing.
Repeatedly. Repeatedly, yes.
Thank you. Um, but I am. I am ready. And I want to be with you. In more than just a sometimes we have sex way.
Yeah, I felt the cantaloupe before I bought it. Because I always feel the cantaloupe before I buy it.
Okay, well this sucks. Okay, not quite the reaction I was hoping for. I just, I've tried to be with you. I know, but I was being stupid. I'm less stupid now. Okay, well, while you were being stupid, I started seeing Rachel. Yeah, that's what you said, but then, the other night... Okay, the other night was a mistake.
If you think the lint trap is gross, just leave it on the counter. I'll clean it when I get home. Oh, don't cry.
I just, I like Rachel. And she likes me. And she's not... I just know she's still gonna like me next week.
So what am I supposed to do now? I don't know, David. I guess things are up to you.
Nice sheets. Thank you. Wall grains. |
dropout | friends_romans_mushroom_people_tournament_of_champions_pt_4 | From Alucard to Jean-Luc Picard, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually.
And here we are, the final round in our Tournament of Champions. Winners of winners, a quarter quell situation where we've brought back previous champions to play once again.
Today, we have Jared Logan. What's up? I'm Jared, and because this is the Tournament of Champions, I'm going to channel the abilities of Tricho Slatterus, the champion of the universe for Marvel Comics. And Siobhan Thompson. I'm going to do the Hunger Games thing, because that's what Trapp just referenced. And Jon Gutz-Gutieras. Hello. Fantastic. Well, three formidable foes for sure. They have clobbered the competition to get here.
You know how this works. You've just done it a bunch. If you are watching this for the first time, weird first episode to start with, but I'm not going to stop you. These are a stack of false statements, but the things you love, it's up to you to correct me. You must proceed your corrections with the phrase, um, actually, and you can interrupt me whenever you want.
You guys feel ready to jump right into it? Hell yeah. So ready.
In the film Time Bandits, a boy finds himself accompanying a group of time-hopping explorers. Using a map stolen from God, they are relentlessly pursued by the giant floating head of the Almighty as they skip from era to era, attempting to correct historical moments that have been damaged by the film's antagonist, referred to simply as evil. Gutes. Um, actually, they're not actually trying to repair anything that's been damaged by time. They just want to steal things. That's correct. It's in the title. They're Time Bandits. They're stealing things. They're not really helping that much. They're just, uh, yeah, they're stealing stuff throughout history. Time Bandits.
Can I have his point? No, you can't just, you just added more information. You didn't correct anything. If I need to defend my point from that, well, that's, um, actually, that's because they're all part of an unofficial trilogy that Terry Gilliam did about the different ages of man, where Time Bandits is about youth, Brazil is about middle age, and then the Baron Munchausen is old age.
Is there a floating head in Brazil? There's a metaphorical floating head. The floating head is all of us.
Yeah. Dude loves a visual motif. Yeah.
Terry Gilliam is nothing if not visual, I guess. It's so shocking that Terry Gilliam movies often go over budget or don't get finished at all sometimes.
Well, cool. That's a point for Gutes for recognizing that the Time Bandits are, in fact, Time Bandits. This is our second statement here. Neil Stephenson's Snowcrash follows an unnamed hacker and a pizza delivery driver in the 21st century Los Angeles who uncovers the mystery and danger around a data file. Oh, yeah. Sure. Uh, yeah.
Um, actually, he's not unnamed. His name is Hiro Protagonist. That's correct. The protagonist of Snowcrash is named Hiro Protagonist.
I hate it. It makes me so mad.
H-I-R-O. Oh my god. Yes. Like the Japanese name. Mr. Von Pott's comments.
It's just some fucking bullshit. How so? Just don't do it.
Nate, give your character a real name. But he comes from a long-browed protagonist family.
Is he the chosen one? Is he just a normal kid and then some fucking bullshit happens and then he's the chosen one?
I have not. I don't know anything about him. There's no prophecy.
But he is certainly the protagonist. He's the most badass hacker of all time? Yeah. Sure. His dad is like, but...
Please, Mr. Protagonist. Mr. Protagonist. Dr. Protagonist. Dr. Protagonist is just like, I've been just hanging out treating children. I'm a pediatrician and I save a lot of lives that way. The fun thing about having the name Hiro Protagonist is it does imply that you come from a long family of protagonists who each of them has assumed that they are the hero of their own story.
Right. Just a nightmare family who just assumes that whenever anybody else leaves the room they cease to exist. Um, well, there's one point for Jared.
One of the tales in A Thousand and One Arabian Nights is the story of Aladdin and the Magic Lamp. In the story, a sorcerer traps Aladdin in a magic cave, but Aladdin manages to escape by finding a magic lamp and cleverly tricking the genie inside. Jared. Um, actually, Aladdin doesn't trick the genie. The genie has to give him three witches and he uses one to get out of the cave. Incorrect. Um, actually, in A Thousand and One Arabian, in the book, he's not in a cave.
The cave is in the Disney movie. It is a cave.
Dang. Um, actually, he gets out using a ring that has the genie in it? That is correct. Yes.
He has a second genie. He has the genie of the ring. He uses the genie of the ring to get out of the cave. And then he summons a different genie, the genie of the lamp, to do all the various other things that are going on in the story.
You know what? It's like the rules of Deus Ex Machina. You get one. Right, yeah.
Two genies in a story. It's too many genies. Early Arabian folk tales needed an editor.
Right. Oh, they could have another genie who was actually bad and gave you whatever you didn't want. Sure, yeah. Rule of three is basic writing skills, guys.
You can see why the movie version changed that, because it is deeply unsatisfying to be like, it's like, ah, I'll use the genie of the ring to get out. And it's like, what's in the lamp? A different genie that's a little more powerful. It's like, well, what's wrong with the genie of the ring?
It's like, he's a little weaker, I guess. I don't know. We don't talk to him anymore.
You know, there were Scheherazade nerds that walked out like, I hated how they combined both genies into one character. Here's a little screenwriting tip for you. If you can't figure out how to get your character out of a bind, just have them summon a genie, and that'll do it. It's done a lot in films. I was surprised the Departed just has a genie in it.
Yeah. Well, that was a point for Goots, finding that extra genie. So we'll move on to our next question.
This is a video game question. Question about video games.
One of the most prolific voice actors in video games is Charles Martinet, who provides the voice of Mario, Luigi, Wario, Waluigi, Baby Mario, Toad, and Parthurnax. Siobhan. Um, actually, he doesn't voice Wario. Incorrect. Goots. Um, actually, Toad doesn't have a voice?
I mean, I guess we'll have to look into it. But, uh, you've hit the, well, Jared, what?
Um, actually, he doesn't voice Toad. He doesn't voice Toad, but if...
We know this to be true. We do know this to be true.
And now, I wonder, it's like, does Toad ever, he must speak at some point, but I guess I don't really know. He does, because I've been playing it, and yeah, he's like... Who could forget Toad's great speech from Super Mario Brothers 2?
Friends, Romans, Toadstools... Lend me your princesses.
Yes, he's always monologuing. It's this very long speech that we just hear, it's like... Like, you're just trying to cut through, it's like... Why would you not let me skip this? There's one writer who really was like, no, the people need to hear...
This is my magnum opus. I have written the Toad language, and the people must hear it. They call it the Mushroom Kingdom, yet the Toad people are oppressed.
Why are we not on the throne? Why are we forever...
I can't understand a thing this guy's saying. This guy sucks. Bring him down. Clearly, his culture is primitive.
Get a plumber in here to rule us. That's what we need. Well, I don't know who to give that to. Well, I think I was sort of cheating a little bit. I think that's for goots, for sure. Yeah. And then chime in and say that Toad does have a voice. Oh, then I am right. I get the point. All right, fair enough. We will give that to Jared.
We'll see how this plays out. And we'll move on to our very first shiny question. This is a game that we're going to call Under Review. We're going to put a snippet of a movie review up here on the screen. It'll be up to you to see if you can identify what movie the review is talking about based only on their critique of it. Let's put this up here.
This is from Roger Ebert, The Chicago Sun Times, saying, a dazzling movie from Walt Disney in which the computers have been used to make themselves romantic and glamorous. Here's a technological sound and light show that is sensational and brainy, stylish and fun. Jared?
Actually, I think he's talking about Tron. He is talking about Tron. That is Tron. That is a point for Jared for recognizing the sensational brainy, stylish, fun romp that is Disney's Tron. That's what we think of when we think of Tron.
It's a romp. It's romantic and glamorous.
That's it for this preview of Um, Actually. But wait, there's more. In fact, a whole 66% of this episode. To watch it, just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. And since we're all about being correct here, I should point out that it's not actually 66%. It's 66.666666666666666.
It's going to be the name of a creature or monster from folklore. And it'll be up to you to draw it to the best of your ability. |
SaturdayNightLive | spade_in_america_hollywood_minute_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Spade in America with David Spade. good crowd. thanks for staying up. Ok, well, I got a fan letter here from Indiana, and I'd like to read it to you. it says, dear David, why are you such an idiot? every time I see you on Tv, I want to punch you in the face. sincerely, Danny Minton. P.s. why don't you ever do Hollywood Minute anymore? Well, Danny, such a sweet kid. I get a lot of letters like this. I tell you what, for you, since you sound so cool, we will do one. So here we go. Hollywood Minute, 1995, year in review.
Tony Danza's back with his new hit series, Hudson Street. If you look at a map, Hudson Street is located near the corner of Lehman Contrived, near where they meet.
Casino, Casino, already. But I liked it better the first time I saw it. when it was God good, fellas. Actress Heather Harlan married Tony Randall in a private ceremony in New York, though friends say they don't expect her marriage to last long because she's only 25 and he's gay. Hi there. I've been in four movies this year. I'll give you $1,000 if you can name one of them. Maybe I shouldn't leave the Royal jewels unattended, but what could happen? I'm only in New York. duh!
In one of Princess Di's love letters to her boyfriend, James Hewitt, she wrote, I need your kisses. I need your body. I need your loving.
Sure, it's embarrassing, but it did get her a job writing songs for Journey. Joey Butterfugo, Tonya Harding, John Wayne Bobbitt. all these people had 15 minutes of fame. And for Christmas, I'm donating an extra 12 seconds. Happy Holidays, gang. Heather Locklear will star in an Nbc Tv movie about a woman with 20 personalities, which are linked by one common trait. they all can't act. Look, children, it's a falling star. make a wish. that's right. you make a Hollywood Minute omelet, you break some eggs. don't write the letters. you can't take the job.
Well, the movie powder came out this fall, and not many know that this was not the original title. the movie's about a bald, pale, feminine, sickly-looking guy with the people worship. the first title, Stipe. Houston, we have a problem. before he collapsed on stage, Michael Jackson sold some of his publishing rights for $100 million. do you have any idea how much $100 million can buy these days? Five free molestings. That's right. Anna Nicole Smith was hospitalized twice this year. her people said it was for exhaustion. for once, I believe him. If I had to lug these two giant sandbags around all day, I'd be exhausted, too. I heard she had a second spine put in. There's a new morning show, George and Lana. this is for the eight viewers who can't keep up with the fast pace of Mike and Maddie. the woman who shot Selena was the president of her fan club. this kind of thing makes you stop and think, why can't Michael Bolton's fan club show some initiative? So good-looking his face hurts at night. he's like, oh, my head. All right, they're not all winners.
Next one. they're there for pace. a vicious firebombing of a New York City Subway clerk was similar to the firebombing in the movie Money Train. When learning of this terrible tragedy, a spokesperson for Columbia Pictures said, go see Money Train.
And finally, Andrew Mccarthy and Ali Sheedy are still vacationing off the face of the Earth. And that's the Hollywood Minute. we will see you next week. Get well. |
cracked | the_crushing_economic_realities_of_luigi_s_mansion | The life of Mario's brother, Luigi, is defined by the number two. But after decades of playing second banana, Luigi finally carved out his own moment in the spotlight with the release of Luigi's Mansion in 2001. And even though the game was a cheap Ghostbusters knockoff, like the 2016 film, Ghostbusters, Luigi's skill at sucking spooky spirits through a vacuum cleaner would earn him a sequel on the Nintendo DS, and then after that, a threequel on the Nintendo Switch. You'd think that a separate, successful solo career would be enough for Luigi, but after revisiting the Luigi's Mansion series, I couldn't help but notice Luigi's vast amount of insecurity. Every time he sees a cute marshmallow spirit, he quakes with fright and tricks, oh, no, inauthentic Italian. Yet in spite of his terror, Luigi musters up enough courage to press on and collect each and every one of the mansion's crisp dollar bills, gleaming gold bars, and problematic precious gems. After three installments of the series, it's clear that something beyond an adorable ghost is haunting the second player plumber. Is Luigi's shameless pursuit of fortune simply transforming him from one of the Mario brothers into one of the Coke brothers? Or is Luigi paralyzed by an inferiority complex that greatly discounts his above average penis? No matter which way you measure it, Luigi's Mansion is bankrupting Luigi's soul. Luigi's ascent into the upper class began with the first Luigi's Mansion game. After King Boo sent him a letter tricking him into thinking he had won a mansion in a contest. This is a classic ghost trick that we've seen before in films like House on Haunted Hill. Despite being scared near to death the entire game, Luigi finds the time to pocket loose valuables as he explores the Haunted Mansion. And after defeating King Boo to rescue the rest of the world, Luigi finds the time to pocket loose valuables leading King Boo to rescue his brother Mario, Luigi counts those blessings.
And in the instance that I played, they're a whopping $103,975,000. Scientist slash vacuum inventor, Professor E. Gadd, then takes Luigi's 103 million and found money to build him a real non-haunted mansion that looks a lot like the Haunted Mansion to live in as a reward. At this point, it would seem that all's well that ends well. And in spite of some major mental trauma, Luigi's pretty set for life after this. But research suggests that the Mushroom Kingdom is situated just outside of Bloomington, Indiana, meaning Luigi's mansion falls under US federal tax jurisdiction. And even though the mansion was a prize, the IRS considers prizes and sweepstakes to be taxable income. Like when Oprah gave away a bunch of free cars that actually cost six grand a piece. So even though a free mansion seems like a fair reward for saving his brother's life, Mr. Luigi still is going to owe Uncle Sam 38,470,750 dollars for the property. And trusting a Dyson enthusiast with tens of millions of dollars to build you a new mansion, only to wind up indebted to the government to the tune of an additional 40 million may seem out of character for a working class plumber. But Luigi appears to be a classic victim of Suddenwell Syndrome, which psychologist Stephen Goldbart identifies as the stress, guilt, and confusion that often accompanies a giant windfall. As his financial troubles continue to mount, Luigi's surely going to wish that he was the one trapped inside a painting, if only to evade the collections agency.
The invisible costs of owning a mansion are brutal and can easily place you into crushing debt. Luigi would know this if he had taken a lesson from the famous rapper 50 Cent. In 2003, 50 purchased a 52 room, 50,000 square foot mansion from Mike Tyson for 4.1 million. But after discovering how much money it costs to keep the damn thing from dilapinating into a pile of bricks and ash, after 12 years on the market, Cent was able to finally sell the place at a loss for 2.9 million. Keep in mind, 50 Cent was spending 70,000 a month to upkeep the home the entire time. Let's consider the essential ownership costs of Luigi's $103 million mansion.
According to USA Today, the average US property tax rate is around 1.1%, resulting in an annual bill of $1,143,725. The Coastal Insurance Agency pegs multi-million dollar home insurance rates to roughly 21 cents per $100 of the home's insured value or about $250,000. And for a 30,000 square foot luxury dwelling, Mission Air Condition and Plumbing estimates utility costs to hit about $29,638 per year. Now let's talk maintenance. Investopedia recommends setting aside another 1% of the purchase price, 1.03 million, for maintenance, such as the upkeep of the mansion's late 19th century style mansard roof.
And before you even walk in the door of your mansion, you're spending money on landscaping. As Justin Rubinstein of the Michael Graves Realty team can attest, landscaping is always important because who wants to spend 10 million on a house and have an unappealing facade or front yard? Listen, Princess Peach and Mario live in a castle. Luigi only has a mansion in comparison to a castle, so the lawn better not look like a poor person's lawn for Christ's sake. Pegging Rubinstein's estimate of landscaping costs to 1% of the estate's value, that's a cool $1,039,750 just to keep the trees and shrubs looking healthy and spooky.
What else?
Mansion Global recommends 20% of the purchase price for home furnishings, another 20.8 million. Add in another 20 grand for a closet's worth of denim overalls, plus lowball 100 grand estimate for disaster insurance. Should Bowser walk into the side of the house again instead of using the front door? Now you're looking at a grand total of 24 million, $413,113 in sunk costs just to move into this damn free mansion. If Luigi had just talked to 50 cent for 10 minutes, he would have known all this.
When Luigi inevitably dies from exhaustion, a magic mushroom overdose, or COVID-19, whoever inherits his estate will likely be burdened with its high costs. Luigi's largest will be unfortunately subjected to another significant financial burden known as the estate tax. Applicable to estates valued above 11.7 million, the federal estate tax levies a $345,800 charge, plus 40% of the estate's total value above a million. Another $41,935,800 in grief. In some, Luigi's $38,470,750 gift tax from inheriting the mansion, $24,413,113 for one year of basic maintenance and operating expenses, and a $41,935,800 estate tax adds up to a grand total of $104,819,663. Nearly a million dollars more than the value of the $103.9 million mansion itself.
The math doesn't lie. The costs of owning a mansion far outweigh the value. They tell you that about boats, but you never hear about mansions. Well now we know why it was free.
It's haunted. Haunted by bills, taxes, and endless landscaping projects. Not to mention, it's dripping with ghosts. Well, those ghosts just so happen to be our own inner demons. Physical manifestations of the way we haunt ourselves.
Luigi's desire to attain the same social status as Mario blinds him to his own good fortune. He's got a wife, his health, a picturesque cop. For God's sake, he's a successful plumber who found even more success as a janitor.
But it doesn't matter how many pounds of gold you collect if you don't have an ounce of self-respect. Although her name is Princess Daisy, in her history with the Mario series, we haven't seen a castle or a car, a family heirloom, much less an invitation to Oprah's couch. And from the way her man is sucking up cash as if his lifestyle depends on it, I'm thinking this princess didn't come with a dowry. |
cracked | 5_advanced_movie_sci_fi_technologies_that_secretly_suck_yboc_star_wars_trek | Hey there nerds, I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding, but if you're a cop then my name is Robodoc and we are on the same team here, partner. My father tried to teach me human emotions. They are difficult. Anyway, you're watching another episode of your Brain on Crack, the show that sometimes harnesses the power of advanced futuristic editing and composition techniques to make it look like I'm sitting in a bathtub. Splish splash, bitches! And it's also the only show on crack where you can no longer say this sentence should have ended 12 words ago. We are legion now. Anyway, today I will legally adjacently diagnose...
From the beaming technology in Star Trek, to the free food dispensers in Star Trek, to the interactive sex rooms in Star Trek, sci-fi gadgets make the future seem impossible with great, except also sometimes they don't. Here are some crazy futuristic science fiction creations that are somehow sh**-er than what we use now. I'm going to use Star Wars here because it's the most famous and beloved example, but every self-respecting sci-fi franchise has laser guns. They're objectively the coolest guns ever, and in every futuristic universe where they've been invented, they've also completely replaced regular guns.
We've never seen a stormtrooper wildly spraying with an AK-47. After all, why would you bother with bullets if you have freakin' lasers? Well, you have to understand something about the guns armies use right now. They're not designed to put a neat hole in the enemy, they're designed to create ragged, horrific wounds that just gush blood. But like all energy weapons in the Star Wars universe, blasters do the exact opposite. They instantly cauterize wounds, which is why we've never seen any stormtroopers slipping on puddles of blood during corridor shootouts, and why when Luke gets his hand chopped off by a lightsaber, which presumably works kind of the same way as blasters, it doesn't turn into a Tarantino-esque blood-splosion. They've essentially created a sword that instantly disinfects and patches up any wound it creates. They're so safe, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if you told me lightsabers were originally invented for Padawan circumcisions. Wait were they? Also, if you're in the middle of a warzone and shooting at your enemies from cover, it's pretty important they don't know where you're standing so they can't, you know, shoot back. But if you're using a Star Wars style blaster, every single shot fired is like a big neon sign pointing in your direction. But almost none of that can hold a candle to the one thing that, in the real world, would render the blasters utterly useless. Laser shots appear to move much slower than bullets, or even arrows. Characters easily dodge them or deflect the beams with lightsabers. I don't care if you have Jedi reflexes, if you tried that shit with a bullet, you'd soon find yourself without a liver. Also, we've seen non-Jedi's dodge laser blasts, too, once while sitting just three feet away from the guy doing the shooting. We all remember that scene, right? And yes, I realize that technically they're firing bolts of plasma and not lasers, but that doesn't change any of the specifics about how useless they are.
God, just grow up, Caleb. You're a funny little boy.
In the futuristic world of iRobot, Chicago is bursting with crazy new technology. Humanity has progressed exponentially, and seemingly for the better, I mean robots are the servants we always wish we had, cars drive themselves, and Chuck Taylor's are pretty much wiped out of existence. The events of iRobot kick off with the apparent suicide of Dr. Lanning, who is, like me, a doctor of iRobot, and he makes robots.
Before he checked himself out of window, he set up a hologram of himself that would automatically call the skeptical Will Smith upon Lanning's death. It's designed to simulate Lanning's personality, and it answers questions naturally based on a limited number of responses. The thing is, though, thanks to the limited number of responses, the stupid hologram never tells Will Smith anything of practical use. It hints at a revolution, but not who will cause it. It suggests that asking why Lanning would commit suicide is the right question, but it doesn't expound in any way. Basically, it's just one nonsense, rambling, annoying, overcompensating enigma that only talks to Will Smith.
Like Jaden Smith. Lanning's suicide was intentional. It was planned. The entire point was just to get Will to investigate the robots and discover their evil intentions, which is fine. Great.
But why couldn't he just tell Will Smith all these things in a password-protected email or jump out with a letter attached to his body? Maybe a video that preemptively answers all of Will Smith's questions? Why the need to have Will ask the right question of a hologram with limited responses, all of which are basically just, oh yeah, you should, like, think about that more. For example, Dr. Lanning wants Will Smith to be friends with a robot named Sonny who can help stop the evil robots, but because he doesn't trust any robots, Will Smith spends a huge portion of the movie skeptical of Sonny. If it had just been written down on a sheet of paper that Sonny was a nay-okay robot, a lot of time and worry could have been saved. Will Smith also is basically unsuccessful. The robots take over before he manages to learn much of anything. A piece of paper that said, kill all the robots, like kill them right now with your hands, would have been much more useful. They wanted to make sure that only Will Smith got the message, make it so it can only be accessed via fingerprint scanner. They have his fingerprints on file since Dr. Lanning basically rebuilt Will Smith's arm after his accident. The movie attempts to hand-wave this away by saying that the evil AI Vicky was holding Lanning hostage in his apartment or whatever, but it still gave him access to whatever tech he needed to build a functioning hologram as well as an entire robot servant.
He could still do stuff, he just couldn't leave. Well except through the window.
The future of minority report is loaded with all sorts of advanced awesome technology, from police batons that make you instantly vomit to police spiders that can break into your house without a warrant and scan your retinas to confirm your identity. Heh. When I say it out loud it sounds like a bunch of fascist police state tech, but ooooh! Police jet packs! Bzzzzzzzzzzzz!
With all this future tech, why in the world would the police need to engrave the name of would-be killers and victims on a magic wooden ball rolled down a tube chute? How is that more effective than just displaying it on a screen or even writing it down on a piece of paper? Wooden balls are just wasteful. Ask the Amazon.
Kill me. You can do this. Kill me, kill me, kill me.
On a practical level, there's apparently only one copy of each dumb ball for the victim and the murderer, meaning if somebody steals the balls or drops them and they roll so far under the couch that nobody can reach them, that's it. Crime forever unsolved. Isn't that a fundamental paradox? It happens all the time.
Surely they could use some sort of talk-to-text function or text recognition software or something to get those names into a computer database. I mean, Tom Cruise is able to buy himself a major head start by just sneaking the ball into his pocket. That wouldn't happen if the killer, it's Jerry Maguire, flashed in big red letters on their fancy connect-enabled screens.
I'm not going to do what you all think I'm going to do, which is just flip out. Now, you'd think as technology improves and things become more digital, future security would also improve to keep up, but actually, according to movies, in the future, security becomes just worthless nonsense.
For starters, escaping any prison or opening any door in the future is as simple as shooting it or fabbin' it with your fingers. In Rogue One, casting escape saw Guerrero's prison by reaching through the bars and shorting out the control panel, causing the bars to fly open. He then shoots the control panel to the next cell, causing those bars to fly open, too. These doors are literally less secure than any regular jail cell, or just locking any door with a bolt. Also, if the control panel malfunctions in any way the immediate default settings for the bars to fly open, why does this exist? Okay, maybe the doors are worse for some reason, but certainly electronic security is more sophisticated, right?
Ahhh. It's moving too fast. Oh, this is not good. The 1994 Michael Cride movie Disclosure is mostly about to mean more sexually harassing Michael Douglas, so it's already pretty fantastical.
But the truly insane part is how they handle digital file storage. When Douglas needs to access some files, he has to put on gloves and goggles and get scanned by a VR system and stroll through miles of virtual museum full of virtual filing cabinets. The virtual building is enormous and takes actual minutes to walk from wing to wing, and for added convenience to this file system, it's also littered with death pits, because security, I guess. And that doesn't even account for the dangers of evil virtual intruders deleting all your files, something Douglas encounters when a skeleton wearing Demi Moore's headshot hacks into the system and attacks its cabinets. Similar VR storage systems exist in almost every 90s movie about technology. Something about that decade really made us think that the future would be like Tron, where we all have to manually crawl into our computers to get anything done. The lawnmower man and Johnny Mnemonic took it a step further and added a bunch of random, unlabeled shapes to their interfaces, accurately predicting that all modern hard drives would be cluttered with useless, floating, 20-sided dice.
Security isn't effective if the computer is just as likely to kill you as allowed you access to your private dick pics. Just do a fingerprint scan and a basic graphical user interface. That's plenty of security, and much more functional. I need a computer.
The phones and the Total Recall reboot you hopefully weren't forced to watch are supposed to be this bad-ass spy tech that only secret agents use. You make calls just by putting your hand in your face, and you put your hand on any glass service to access the video feature. Pretty rad, right? Well, for starters, why would you ever want to have a video feature that requires you be around glass or like have a shard of glass in your pocket? Even if you do find some glass, anybody around you can apparently both see and hear what you're doing.
Forget private conversations. The sound is projecting out loud for all to hear. Take me off display. Video call sex is now only a thing for public exhibitionists.
Lori, what the fu- Also, practically, where is the camera? Is it embedded in the back of his hand? Does the guy on the other side also have his hand pressed up against a bar window somewhere?
Even just normal phone operation is worse. We currently live in a world that is doing absolutely everything it can to go hands-free, from our TVs to our cars to our sexual experiences. Bluetooth headsets worn by our modern-day douchebags can keep your phone hands perpetually free, which would probably be valuable for a person whose whole job is shooting people with the things in their hands. The worst part is how you'll never again be allowed to ignore a call. The I didn't have the phone on me excuse doesn't work when your phone is physically grafted into your hand. Maybe you could, uh, claim that reception is bad whenever you cut your fingernails? I don't know. Basically, everything about hand phones is both impractical and an actual step backwards, especially compared to just a normal-ass iPhone. No, not an ass-phone.
That's in Total Recall 2. Excuse me. I'd like to ask you a few questions. Crap, mom, I'm on the internet. You can't just- All right, so, uh, discussed everybody's favorite Total Recall, reminded you that iRobot exists and, uh, yeah, settled the debate of Haun Shooting Second.
Looks like I covered pretty much every prestige sci-fi series. Uh, yeah, be sure to see Kathy on your way out for a futuristic clean exit. Automatically post a photo of you using it to the social media. The future is here!
Hey everybody, you may have noticed this is no longer the only show, oh my gosh! So like, subscribe and like and comment and go watch the other shows, because there's a lot of shows now. I mean watch- still watch this show, but watch the other ones, but- but mostly this show. |
dropout | electric_cars_aren_t_as_green_as_you_think_adam_ruins_everything | 400,000 pre-orders can't be wrong. I cannot wait. You can and should wait.
If you're selling that perfectly good car to buy a brand new Tesla, you're not doing a good deed. You're just buying a bright, shiny, ecologically problematic toy.
What just happened? Where are we?
We're in your daughter's toys. I know it's a little forced, but I really like stop motion.
Adam, how could a Tesla be bad? It's electric. Boogie, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy. Yep, electric cars like the Tesla are the sexy new thing. Ooh, wow. Check out his brand new electric car. That's hot.
Like our planet. And a big part of their appeal is that car companies have marketed them as greener than a pocket square on St. Patty's Day. A road trip completely sponsored by the power of the sun. 100% electric Nissan LEAF. Innovation for the planet. Innovation for all. Wow, if I buy a Nissan, polar bears will love me.
Yeah, turns out that message is pretty sketchy.
Look, electric cars are more energy efficient than gas cars, but where do you think that energy comes from? It comes from nature. As soon as I get a Tesla, I'll drive with all the colors of the wind. Pocahontas. Nope, it comes from the energy grid.
If you buy an electric car today, you're just shifting your fuel source from the gas pump to a power plant. And if those power plants burn coal, driving an electric car can actually put more CO2 into the air than a hybrid. According to one study, even if a third of all drivers switch to electric cars, the engine savings could be tiny.
But that's just right now. Soon all electricity will come from solar, wind, water, and heart. Go planet! Yeah, but that dream is a long way off. In fact, your new Tesla will probably break down before that happens. And in the meantime, you're going to be pumping out a ton of CO2 from everything that goes into just making the car. Wait, what? Aren't electric cars made from plants and old Ralph Nader stickers? You wish!
An electric car requires steel, copper, and aluminum just like a regular car. But worse, their batteries are made of rare metals that take intensive mining.
Hey, stop that! The floors are bamboo!
Wayne, meet Mike Burners-Lee. He's an expert on carbon emissions who's written extensively on this subject. That's an expert?
Looks like a toy. Oh, you just have to pull his lever.
Hello, Wayne. Adam is right.
While electric cars are more efficient, manufacturing typically adds about 50% to the total carbon footprint. So if you buy a new car too often, you could completely undo all the carbon savings that you might get from buying an electric car.
If you really... Whoops, needs another yank.
If you really want to help save the environment, the best thing you can do is to reduce the amount you drive and to drive your current car as long as possible, provided it's reasonably efficient. But if your car is beyond repair and you absolutely need to buy a new one, then go ahead buy yourself a nice, small electric car, perhaps even a used one.
I never thought of it that way. Anything else I should know?
The cow says... Oh, guess that's it.
Wayne, when it comes to saving the planet, the efficiency of your car's engine is small potatoes. The real problem is that Americans bought 17.5 million cars last year and drove a total of 2.7 trillion miles. I'm sorry, but buying another car just isn't going to fix that. But I just want a Tesla and I want to help the environment.
Well, you can't have both. And if you're not careful, these companies will use that desire to help the planet to sell you more stuff that's hurting the planet. Buying green products won't solve the problem, because buying stuff is part of the problem. We need to reduce what we buy and reuse what we have. We can't shop our way out of this.
Fine, I won't buy a Tesla. In fact, I'll do you one better.
I'll walk everywhere. Yeah, walking.
A surefire way to stop climate change. Oh, this one's actually really interesting. In many cases, walking can actually increase your carbon footprint.
If I wasn't a pacifist, I would pass my fist through your face. |
dropout | the_school_library_computer_game_collection | I'm bored. You know, they say only boring people get bored.
All your favorite educational games from the library when you were a child. Cool. I can't even type on this. You'll figure it out with games like Minesweeper, Math Blaster, Number Muncher, Museum Madness, Reader Rabbit, Gus Ghost, Cyber Town, and more! Alright! Mavis Beacon teaches typing. I remember this one.
Wrong. This isn't fun. No. Was it a Warcraft? No! Mega Man? No!
Sims, Roller Coaster Tycoon. Not on this computer. You'll only find educational games here, but we do have p-p-p-p-p-paint! Wow, that wasn't even fun as a kid. As well as Battle Chest, Orly's Draw Story, and a Christian anti-drug game with a talking fish. Sorry. It's nostalgia at the door, and she brought Ski Free, Snake, and that one pinball game you could unlock in Microsoft.
Okay. How about a previously unreleased version of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Oh, that's cool. Cold.
Carmen decided to settle down in Temecula and get really into wine. We know where she is. We didn't know. She's in Temecula.
We can see why that wasn't released. For a total of 30 different games. Plus, porn! PORN! That's right. No childhood computers complete without porn. Okay.
But your parents put a kid filter on the computer, so you're grounded. I'm an adult. I don't think my mom... Did my mom... Did my mom actually just see that search? Library, computer, classic mini. Because every single memory deserves a nostalgia reboot. Hey, Mom.
Tell her it's a virus.
May we help her find herself? Oh, like, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Hey, what's up? It's Ali from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here to see some more cool stuff. And if you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here. I made that. This is what I like. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_bowen_yang_punkie_johnson_and_heidi_gardner_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
The Wall Street Journal is calling on Russia to release one of their journalists who was arrested on espionage charges, and I might have the perfect idea for a prisoner swap. former President Trump was arraigned on Tuesday, and a photographer released this photo of Trump in the courtroom, and I don't like that he's flanked by an O.j. amount of lawyers. because that tells me he's definitely guilty and that he's definitely getting away with it. Trump's lawyer, Joe Takapina, a.k.a. phony Soprano, said that he doesn't think Trump is going to get a fair trial in Manhattan, and I agree. even the courtroom's sketch artist seems to hate him. When he showed up, I thought he looked perfectly nice. he blended his foundation, he had stapled down his hair, but the guy still drew him like the mud monster from Scooby Doo. After his arraignment, Donald Trump spoke to supporters at Mar-a-lago and said there was a very dark cloud over our beloved country, which is also what he used to call Obama. As I'm saying, since Donald Trump's indictment, his daughter Ivanka has been absent, and his other daughter Tiffany is trying to take her place by his side just as soon as she gets through security.
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, seen here shouting, jump you coward! visited New York to protest the arrest of Donald Trump and called the city filthy, disgusting, and repulsive. But as a New Yorker, let me just say, you forgot rat infested. don't ever forget our rats. A new report claims that for decades, Clarence Thomas and his wife went on luxury trips paid for by a Republican mega-donor and whitest guy with the blackest name, Harlan Crow. Justice Thomas accepted the free trips the same way he approaches working on the Supreme Court, with no questions asked. it was also revealed today that Harlan Crow has a vast collection of Nazi memorabilia, including a copy of Mein Kampf signed by Hitler. worse, the signature reads, dear Harlan, big fan. Tennessee Republicans expelled two black lawmakers for protesting gun violence, but did not expel a white lawmaker who protested with them. Republicans said they know what it looks like, but they were actually expelled because their skin is black. Florida Governor Ron Desantis, who always looks like someone told him to go home and get his shine box, signed a bill that allows Florida residents to carry concealed guns without a permit because Florida is dangerous and you just never know when someone is going to run up to you and say gay.
President Biden called King Charles this week to tell him that First Lady Jill Biden will attend his coronation, along with her plus one, the Iowa Women's basketball team. King Charles said that researchers will be given access to royal archives after it was discovered that his ancestors had shares in a slave-trading company. yeah, it was called England.
This week, Governor Ron Desantis ramped up his war on Disney after they stopped his attempts to control Disney World's District. Here to comment is the villain from the movie, Aladdin Jafar. Okay, so Jafar, as a Disney character, what do you think of Ron Desantis?
You mean, the Boy? Well, Michael, as far as villains go, the boy's an amateur. he has no Riz, no spark, no drip. the look is giving baby Mayor. I mean, he did wear those white cowboy boots, but let's be honest, they wore him. Well, he might not look the part, but are you saying Desantis isn't bad enough? Not at all. Don't get me wrong, the boy is plenty evil.
I mean, banning Rosa Parks in schools. I'm a dark sorcerer, and even I was like, jesus, dude, it's Rosa Park. Yeah, now he's coming for Disney after their stance against his don't say Gay Bill. if the boy thinks he can somehow prevent Disney World from being gay, that carpet has flown. you know what I mean?
No, I really don't. I mean, if you opened up Grindr on Main Street, Usa, your phone explodes. and everywhere else in the park, it's nothing but 40-year-old men with braces. I don't know what that is, but it ain't straight. Oh, are you saying that you're. a little light in the loafers? did my John Waters stash not tip you off? of course I'm gay, you petulant fool. my waist is snatched. my eyeliner on point. my final form is a yoked genie with gorgeous nails. |
SaturdayNightLive | read_to_achieve_lebron_james_saturday_night_live | I'm the Director. Mike Underballs. Hey, Mr. Underballs, I'm a huge fan.
Oh, that's great. call me Mike. you ready to do this? Yeah, let's go. Okay, let's try a take.
Nba, Redo Achieve. Psa, take one. and action. take time to read to a child. read to Achieve. and give it your best shot. Okay, okay, we were a little high on that pass. yeah, it's my bad, Mike. the ball slipped. Come on, Jeff. you know, I expect the best out of my crew. let's get it right this time. No, hey man, don't worry about it. just hit me right here. right in the chest. Yeah, I know how to throw a basketball. Thanks though. Okay. all right, Nba, Redo Achieve. take two. and action. take time. Hey man, that's a little early. Cut, Cut, cut, Cut, cut, cut, cut, Jeff. gotta wait for that cue, buddy. yeah, sorry about that, Mike. my mind must be elsewhere.
You know, I just bought a new sweater.
Jeff. I get it. just focus up on this one. Yeah, I hear you, Mike.
I guess I thought an Nba player would be a little quicker. that's all. I wasn't even looking.
Yeah, whatever excuse works for you, man. it's not an excuse. Hey, look, dude.
I played high school ball. point guard. shawmish West Vikings.
Jeff, wrap it up. let the team assist. Jeff! hey, I'm with you, Mike. time's money. let's shoot this puppy. Okay.
Nba, Redo Achieve. take three. and action. take time to redo a child. Redo Achieve.
Hey, let me shoot it up, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I told you to wait for that cue, man.
Hey, you're supposed to be a professional athlete, Mike. guy gets paid millions of bucks to catch a ball. you threw it in my damn head, man. Hey, Bron Bron.
Look, the adults are talking here, okay? you're 22, right? go sit at the kids' table. I have a juice box.
Yeah! This is a Psa for literacy, not an Nba tryout. Hey, I'm with you, Mike. I'm not the one hot-dogging in here. let's just try it again, All right? Nba, Redo Achieve. take four. and action. take time to redo a child. redo Achieve.
What the hell is this? that's a book! Okay, okay, why'd you throw him a book, Jeff?
Yeah, it's about literacy, Mike. I'm just trying to mix it up. I got good ideas too, Mike! no one's arguing that with you, Jeff. you've had good ideas for years. But we need this as written, Okay? Hey, you're a straight shooter, Mike. gotta respect that.
Hey, if we're not gonna do this, I'm gonna get out of here, Okay? Hey, sounds good to me. you know, we should get Dwayne Wade anyway. at least he's got a ring. Yo, man, you either fired this guy or I'ma kick his ass. All right, that's it, Hot Shot. check ball.
You serious? Yeah, damn straight, I'm serious. let's go, you and me, one-on-one. Mike.
Lebron, check the ball. I really wanna see this.
All right, don't give me this. I'm a lefty from Kansas. All right, here we go. oh, I'ma back you down.
All right, here we go. now you're in my house, little man. here we go, what you got? Oh, what's it gonna be? what's it gonna be? baby hook! Okay, good D. good D. good D. what's your d? eat him up, kid, eat him up! All right, here we go. stick it. stick it to him.
All right, this is my forte right here. can you hear me? nice move, nice move. All right, here, what do you got? what do you got? where's it at? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! whoa! give it your best shot. All right, man. yeah, you all right? yeah. Oh, fine, Mike, let's go. win by two. let's go, check it out. Here you go. Oh. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_177_Brendan_Cowell_Part_1 | Lockdown continues down south. We've got Sydney, they're going on 10 weeks now. That's a big whack. Victoria as well, despite the hardest lockdown in all of this, it's creeping out of the homes and workplaces down there quicker than it did in New South Wales. And we've just found a truck driver's been driving around Queensland with it.
So you know. I know. Look, if only back in the start of June how it was just popping off in Bondi, I mean, all we had to do was kettle bolt everyone in Bondi, you know, just line them up and put the bolt straight through their forehead, you know, then just bulldoze them up in a heap and you know. Pretty tricky thing to do in this day and age, I guess, executing the richest people. But it's a serious disease, you know. It kills people, Clancy. Yeah, I know.
I guess from the moment they found out a bloke was walking through Bondi Junction Westfield for two weeks, coughing on everything, they probably should have had a snap lockdown. But they didn't.
And now we're transitioning from eliminating it to living with it. And the show goes on, vaccine rates are looking good. And I guess everyone's just trying to get on with life in whatever way they can. We are lucky enough here, we're not affected by the virus in the Diamantina Shire.
And we're actually benefiting from it because it means a lot of the people that we might want to interview, whether they be down south, Melbourne, Victoria, are actually, they've got a lot of time on their hands, they can talk to us. So today we've had a big coup. It's a big win, a big scalp in the shape of Brendan Cowell. We've been wanting to get him on here for a while. And there's fuck all happening in Cronulla right now. So we're very, very lucky. Thank you for joining us. Mate, absolute pleasure.
Well, there's one thing you can do in, in the Southern Shire and that's not let stuff in. You know what I mean? We, we're very good at, at protecting ourselves from things that we don't like, you know? Uh, so yeah, I'm down, I'm down here just in all these at the moment and feeling very safe. Yeah.
I'm surprised they didn't have a riot to stop the virus coming into a Cronulla this time around, but I guess it kind of goes, no, I think the places are being gentrified, you know, since back in those days, what do you, what do you reckon it really is? Um, cause all the footy players live down there now. It's harder to get, to find a flat in Cronulla than it is in Sydney now.
Yeah. Right. I don't head down there since my nan passed away a few years ago, I don't head down there as much. Yeah. And now that the sharks are playing at Net Strata Jubilee, well now they're playing in Southeast Queensland, aren't they? Yeah.
Dolphin Stadium baby. Isn't it great watching, seeing the old, these old school rugby league grounds. It's filled up. Red Cliff Dolphins has more members than the Bronx.
Can you believe that? Really? Yeah.
That also means there's a lot of elderly people that play pokies in that part of Brisbane.
But, uh, no, genuinely, thanks for having me on. I'm a big fan. I've been, been into you guys since the start and have just, you know, I've gone overseas for five years and come back and lovely watching, um, your brand grow, um, and connecting with hello sport as well. My favorite podcasts and you know, you're a punter and dribbler.
The um, yeah, we, we discovered that early on. You were calling in on the hotline. Yeah. Um, yeah, I mean, that's what we're here to kind of discuss today. You've written a book basically about being a punter and a dribbler, a man I've, I've admittedly haven't finished it, but you did send us a copy and my favorite, uh, hit the ground running with it. It starts with a bunch of blokes getting on the piece at the Cas bar, which is the carrying bar hotel. Am I correct? Or tavern? Yeah.
It's a pub with a car park. And I had a few of my quintessential events in that car park.
You know? Yeah. Because de la cell, de la cell carrying bar and Our Lady of Fatima primary are behind our carrying bar in. Right. So as you graduate from primary school to high school, you then graduate to the Cas bar. And that's kind of, and you know, it was the topless Tuesdays for a while and, and also it's a huge venue. It had rat cat. And in excess play, you know, regularly back in those days in 1991, you know, where you like the noise works is playing, you know, and it was awesome during the, like the pub rock. Yeah.
That incredible pub rock time that then, you know, you see a lot of guys and my books called plum and yeah, it's about a bloke who's 48, 49 years old and he, um, kind of, you know, after work every day, just, just heads there and he's got, he's got his four boys, their WhatsApp groups called the Coxels four and, um, one's in like an ex Sydney Kings player, ex jockey, another ex footy player from Queensland. And, um, they'll kind of tip in four to 14 schooners of an afternoon and just bet on whatever's moving. And you know, those four blokes, a Chinese player and a jockey.
Yeah. There's, there's a heart issue. Yeah. Well, the jockey is called squeaky and, um, for, you know, obvious reasons, uh, his high pitch voice and the, and the ex Kings players called magic Matt and he's waiting for his second hip operation and, and they like going to Thailand for an inverted commas golf trip. Yeah.
Uh, you know, a couple of times a year and they're planning to be suffering, they'd be suffering in coronavirus. Those boys wouldn't know they basically the Cas bars as close as you can get to Phuket.
Absolutely. I'd say they probably have a Tiki themed smoking section, which is, although I don't have that fake grass style smoking section, but these guys, yeah, absolutely transferable to any suburb in any town. And the, the loyalty within them is really strong.
And some of them, you know, like squeaky thinks this is the peak age, that late forties, the pressure's off a bit, but you're not heaps old yet. You can still hit the piece pretty hard and the rest a little bit and nobody's watching and mates and mates. And we've got each other cause the kids are teenagers and stuff and he's like, this is it. See those blokes at the pub, some of them have made a bit of coins, some haven't, but the, you know, it's always surf and turf.
You know, it's, they're going to have a, they're going to make a day of it. That's absolutely.
I mean, when I did on surf and turf, I did a movie called Beneath Hill 60, a world war one movie about, you know, where you go underneath the ground and we were taught there's a lot of surf and turf in Townsville. And so one night, you know, in the trenches, all the actors, we were like, let's come up with different names for surf and turf. And this game just infiltrated the entire crew where, and you just saw a whole bunch of actors slash soldiers covered in blood and mud at four o'clock in the morning going ocean and motion, lawn and prawn, lawn and prawn, and then a boom swing and you're like, water and slaughter and the game went on, you know, for years to come.
But yeah, no, really.
So I've been working on the book for two years. I wrote it in lockdown in London last year. As a way of kind of surviving, I wrote from eight to six every day and concussion was just starting to be an issue. Like, you know, you're reading about rugby union players, Boyd Corden's issues, it was early days.
And that movie with Will Smith. With Will Smith.
Concussion. Called Concussion.
Yeah, exactly. That is a terribly made film, but the issue inside it was kind of, well, kind of before it's time and you see how NFL has just kind of covered it over and go, we don't really care. This is the heartbeat of the nation shut up. The onion covered that very well. They did a story about the, I can't remember, maybe it was when the Seahawks won the, won the ring and the confetti came down with shredded concussion reports on the Superbowl. So rugby league somewhere in that mix.
And so I was also at that point in my life, like I've been shooting Avatar for a couple of years. I'd had some success in London and, and I had a bit of money and I was like, I'm a writer, but why do I write? And, and if I'm going to write, I want to write not for money. I want to write, what's the point of writing again? And, and, uh, and I remember I started off reciting poetry in pubs, you know, in Glebe and at uni. And so I thought, I want to write about poetry and the concussion issue was around.
And then I thought, who's the last bloke to get into poems and to find a passion for language. And I thought, you know, kind of a Gavin Miller, Greg Bird, kind of Paul Gallen ex footy player. Ian Mathey. Kind of thinking thug who suddenly needs it. Um, and, and so this great juxtaposition happened plot wise where you've got this guy and the corridors of his brain are open and suddenly a few poets start appearing to him and he, he stumbles upon a poetry night at a pub and, and it kind of helps turn his life around and work on his relationships.
Okay. Yeah. It's funny.
You do see those blokes, you know, if you've ever worked in laboring, landscaping on the council, there's always one or two blokes who everything else, they they take every other checkpoint of, you know, the, they're, they're roughers got to that. Uh, they make those kinds of comments. Isn't that? And then all of a sudden they'll be like, Oh no, that was actually, Yeah.
Well, you know, like we're talking about the You know, that shit talking about the John's brothers, you know, they're always in between two books and they've, they've been ever in their curious and it's a lot of footy players are quite curious guys that just happen at the age of four. They were the best at school and they've been the best at school for the last 28 years because they've just kept being the best at school, but it hasn't stopped their curiosity, you know?
And so that's, that's where he's kind of placed, but you know, Peter Lum, Peter, the plum lums kind of ambling along in life. He's probably pretty much happy with, you know, being in the, in the shadows and not being noticed.
And it's got his girlfriend, his son's going to play, which is kind of the major plot line as he starts to see the carnage of the sport and goes, do I support Gavin? Yeah. You know, and then his son sees his dad falling apart going, do I do that? Or maybe I do UFC because then at least if I get concussed in UFC, I saw it coming and I knew what I was up for. You know what I mean? And so that kind of all starts to dance around his head as well as maybe I'll die. Yeah.
It's, it's, it's a funny kind of thing down there in Cronulla. I mean, as you said, those characters are transferable to every, every tavern. I wouldn't say every pub, but you know, every tavern. Wouldn't be too many people like him in, you know, bloody Ultimo or Ballara. They're those pubs that, you know, they had this most authentic kind of aesthetic and then they did them up and now they've spent a million dollars getting it back to that look.
Yeah. There's occasionally, I know the big one up in Brisbane up on Caxie street was the Paddo Tavern, the Paddo Hotel and they would, they stripped all of these beautiful saddle seats off the bar, got rid of them, made it sterile and now they're trying to be like, you know, actually let's go back to that. Yeah. Let's go back to that rough and ready. Yeah.
I remember that pub on Oxford street in Bulimba. The Balmongrel.
Yeah. The Oxford 152 it's called now. Yeah. It's now, it's name is now the address.
That used to be a beautiful old pub. It used to be called the Balmongrel Hotel, Balmongrel. These are all the pubs in Brisbane because Brisbane actually is a tavern city. So I'm imagining your book will translate there because Woolworths had this thing back in the day where every corner pub, if you owned a pub, you could turn it into a bottle shop and that demolished all the locals in Brisbane. So now it's basically, if you want to go to the pub, you got to drink drive in Brisbane, which is sounds a lot like Cronulla. You don't have the corner pubs down there.
Do you? No, it's big venues. I think we also have a postcode. I think we've got 2042, 2024, is it 2045 and live there in such a long time. Is it tattered on your neck? No, no, no, no. That's the Southern Cross. Yeah. Now we've got those big venues, big venue pubs, and that's where the trouble starts.
Because you get, you know, I remember from year 10, you know, we had the Bombers and the Surfies and I was at that time, cause I had went through a phase every three weeks, so I was just swapping over, but at that time I was in the MC hammer pants and then I was a goth. But at this time I was a raver. I was just connecting at 16 with, you know, dragging mum's car out once she was asleep and going into weird warehouse hangers near the airport and dancing in the, in the green light till six and then driving mum's car home via 7-11, filling it up, you know what I mean? But the Bombers wore bomber jackets with a wrap quote on the back and they graffitied.
And then there was the long head long service and they had a big fight at the front. And the thing was, it was the big venues cause everybody gathers into a group and they're that group, they stare at each other.
And then a schooner flies across the room. Well, the girl comes through who was dating him, but is now dating Mario, was dating Mario, is now dating Glen and suddenly there's a thing that happens, there's enough schooners and whatever and bang, it's on, but you don't get that in a little Melbourne wine bath cause everybody squashed together. And you don't get it in the, in the London kind of idea or the Irish idea of a pub, which is actually very much a public house in a community.
That's right. Shared bench. You're at the fucking Westfield with schooners. That's exactly right. It is an auditorium for war. It's set up.
It's just, yeah, it's just, it's just, you're going here for one reason and that's to get alcohol poisoning or play the machines. In other cultures it's like, I'm going to the pub because I'm hungry or, you know, I'm going to meet a friend here. To meet Brett and tell him, you know, well done for his new job or, you know, his wife's pregnant or whatever. But instead you go here, the music's cranked up.
It's not even music. It's just this noise that's all, you know, I mean the lights purple, everyone's on steroids like the dudes and you don't know if they're gay, straight or, you know, supernatural. And then a girl walks past and she's wearing what used to, I don't know if it's even called a skirt kind of thing.
And then it's just on at about quarter past 10 and that's the pride of the South. You can't get a glass schooner anymore. You know, it's past eight o'clock. So now you've got to drink out of a plastic one because also that's firmly entrenched in our culture is you fuck people up with a broken schooner glass for some reason. It's just, no matter where you go in every state and territory, they just schooners turn into weapons.
They do. And it's that beautiful one too of the old, just smash it on the glass, then jump into the throat. Yeah. When it becomes a knife.
It was a video, that bar fight down in Tassie, I think, well, I can put it in the show notes, but like the schooner glasses, it was like being in no man's land in like the first world war. They're just going, like there's people there, like they're getting pool balls, fucking schooner glass. I just, my favorite thing about those, those YouTube pub fights is just, there's no actual conformity either in, in Australian pubs where, I mean, a group of mates will be terrified of looking different to one another, but like those blocks would go to the pub by themselves.
That one's got a long mop of dreads. The other one sitting there, he looks like squeaky, the jockey and you just got all these random walks of life who, you know, they, they come there for the same reason.
Yeah. And, um, I find that, I mean, I'm talking about somewhere like the Casbah, which is obviously a cult, you know, I mean, I guess Northern beaches of Sydney would have their own version and they certainly do on the Goldie and the beach towns in Queensland. That place would pump on Christmas Eve. Is that the place? Yeah. That's what you're thinking. Every single person you knows there. Yeah.
And everybody kind of, everybody mocks it and laughs at it, but they need it. You know, and, and I think every suburb has that place where it's the laughingstock. It's sad.
Yeah. But yeah, I'll see you there. Yeah. I'm going back this afternoon. Yeah.
I woke up in the dunes at a fucking wonder beach.
That's when I, when I was doing my experimenting in the rave scene, one of my mates was a four wheel drive, competitive four wheel drive guys. We'd go out to, you know, like out to, to boat harbor and stuff, you know, and experiment with certain things and get the, go off the sides of the Hills where they, and they shot some mad max out there and there's feral, there was rumors that there was feral people out there and they corrugated iron and yeah. And so I had a lot of wild experiences and we'd get bogged and you'd have to walk six hours back to Cronulla and it's, it was really kind of fortress stuff out there. It was wild out there, you know. So when did you leave Cronulla for the, well, yeah, so you went out to Bathurst.
Was that your first, was that your first, that was it? I was 18 years old and, and, um, I remember I was playing in a band in Cronulla and with a few older dudes and, and I remember my mates being on the lawn at carrying bar as, um, mom and I, my sister drove to Bathurst and there was something about it cause I auditioned for all the drama schools and I didn't get in and um, one of them, the NIDA one, she asked me to do my Shakespeare across a chasm and I didn't know what a chasm was. I thought it was an acting word for go crazy, you know, but it actually is just a big hole in the earth. Anybody wants to know. So I didn't get in, but I remember going out to Bathurst and Bill Blakey was there and I was walking around this kind of charming weird old country town, uh, campus just thinking I'm coming here. And there was something about being a storyteller. The bloke talked about it. He goes, you're not a tool in a tool kit here, you're the whole tool kit and you can do whatever you want. Radio and yeah. And there was something about that for my, my kind of, did you do the whole whack out there?
You did a full degree. I did the full, full degree. Yeah.
So I left Cronulla there and you know, I'd only, you know, I was a Christian guy. I thought you voted liberal. I hadn't run into too many gay people, you know, or anything. And then I suddenly, you know, the first time I worked on the library lawn, there was a guy in a midriff with Christianity sucks on his t-shirt, there was two ladies kissing and different cultures. I moved in with a guy bloke and he started getting onto another bloke and I had to go my homophobic.
And I was like, they look like they're having a ball, you know, um, you know, so I genuinely had to open myself up to what do I actually think instead of just thinking what you should think. Because I was from Cronulla and what I love about my mates from Cronulla is they do think what they think because they don't care what anyone thinks or what they think. And that's lost as soon as you get over, you know, Captain Cookbridge into the city where everybody, I mean, you guys know that being out in the country, but you know, in the city, people think what they must think at the dinner party. And so I don't know, I, I, Bathurst blew my mind and I learned how to, you know, pay a bill, have sex, you know, cook sausage, deal with people, grow up, you know, and also I made heaps of art out there. The pubs in the central west, if you ever need a lesson in de-escalation, you should especially the pubs in Bathurst, like what's that one on the hard, the fucking Dudley the park on the corner and especially race week.
Yeah. The knickerbocker too. That was, yeah. The Eddie. Yeah.
On the fucking, the ox. The ox. It's the ox. The ox.
See, I worked in that bottle shop for a while. The Cobb & Co. Yeah. Yeah. That was, that was good.
Um, race week in the Cobb & Co would have been a bit of fun doing the theater media course. We performed at race week.
Right. We would take a performance piece into the pubs. What down to the, Oh was that the flash dance type shit, what are they called? We had a piece to the, We had this big, Elephant and Castle. No, we go to all the pubs. Oh right. Yeah, but you call it, is it called mumming? Is that the thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They launch these fucking thespians on these fucking V8 fans and tell us how that goes on. It's kind of like Survivor really, isn't it? Yeah, that's a real, Yeah, no, we all had to come up with these mumming shows and they're kind of live performance shows and cause the whole philosophy behind the theater media course is there is no black box theater. Everyone in the world is the audience. You inflict yourself on them kind of commedia dell'arte circus style.
So I went into a pub as a reformed Mormon in tights and Amy, the girl that was with me, she got up, she flashed her boobs. So the whole pub turned around and then I went, hello and welcome.
First of all, I would like to challenge anybody to skull a jug of beer quicker than I can. And so a guy came up, I'd skull the jug of beer quicker than him.
Have I got your respect? And so we'd shown them be it boobs. And then I had shown them I can drink a lot of beer fast and then they would watch us. And we would do a 20 minute show by the end, Glenn and Brett and Phil and everyone's getting up on the bar doing a, you know, playing a character, throw the hat around, get a grand walk out. We go back onto our vehicle, which was a percussive vehicle where, you know, we were playing drums on the vehicle that was made of scaffolding and wheels go down the next pub.
I don't know how we didn't get murdered. But when I, when I came to Sydney, you know, when I came to Sydney and I auditioned for STC and I got a speaking part in a play where I played a ghost who had four lines in Tony McNamara's play, the recruit. And I was thinking, am I nervous about being in the city theater company?
I went, I'm not nervous at all. I just did race week. I went into a holding pub. Yeah, exactly.
There's people in the seventies who've paid $109 to be here and sit down and applaud me. Like I just, I just went into a room full of maniacs in black jackets with tattoos on their forehead. Like, and you know, I remember getting my tattoo in there and wearing tights, wearing tights and playing a kind of a gay Mormon character, it's 1995 everybody. And you know, I remember going into Pete's tattoo studio at 3am one morning and a guy was getting brocky forever on his neck and the next morning Peter Brock, I think he bounced out in the time trial and I thought, imagine going home to the wife, you know, brocky forever on the neck.
Oh, how'd he go? He didn't race, but yeah, they used to pick up, like they picked up my Ford laser and took the wheels off when I was at the roundabout, you know, like this kind of stuff, the holding guys would lift up and you know, me and my, my flatmate Evan, we were getting Rosemary from the roundabout because we were cooking a roast, you know, intramale had just been invented. So we would go to the two computers and I could type a hundred words to Evan and then he could say, no, I'll do a bolognese. Should we invite the guys from theater group? And then I'll go, yeah, I'll invite, I'd go and check his message an hour later.
And you could get, we couldn't believe this thing. Intramale. You could get a one line message from someone in the labs, take your 45 minutes to get the MS-DOS. And so, okay, that, that explains like a, how would you say a very quick, a very quick look at the world.
And then you started, I mean, you went from being obviously, you know, someone who was thriving in Bathurst and then coming into Sydney and having a bit of fun within your peer group. Then you became a household name, you know what I mean? You start making the dramas and the, you know, prime time television. What was that transition like? And did you find sometimes maybe, you know, when you found kind of a high profile, was it Cronulla you were leaning into or was it the fruity kind of life you lived in as a thespian in Bathurst? Yeah, it's a, it's a good question.
I don't think I got funny or got in my own skin till, you know, somewhere in my mid thirties. I feel like when I, and I think you get funny when you get into your own skin is what I'm saying. And I think when I was 26 and Love My Way happened and I started a high profile relationship, I fell in love with an actor and, and suddenly had my own TV show and I was winning awards.
I was going to these things called the Logies, you know, all sorts of stuff was happening and it was quite overwhelming. It was everything I'd ever wanted.
But you're right. I was torn between one being an upstart playwright and saying, Australia's got problems with masculinity and suicides and, and you know, it's history. And at the same time trying to be an affable Aussie and be liked whilst being an upstart. And I found that balance really hard to say, am I a true artist having a crack here about what's lies beneath the surface of this utopian place or am I being affable and trying to be loved and a conformist and, and, and get my, get a lead on a channel 10 show and just be that guy. And I think I did struggle with it, you know, and, and was, and went overseas to LA where they just looked at me and went, well, you're kind of not obscure enough to be a character actor, but you're not good looking enough to be a movie star. And so they just kind of went, well you don't fit into anything, you know, and, and I always felt that a bit with how I look and what I'm like. And it wasn't until I just kept doing what I do that suddenly caught on, you know, and I started making my own work and, and I fell into myself a bit after a long relationship after facing some demons and stuff somewhere in my mid thirties, I went, oh, I think this is him. So you now you're, you know, as you said before, working on Avatar, you're, you're, you're looking healthy. You're looking jacked. Do you think you've grown into a, do you think you've grown into a fucking, into someone who could be in an American film? You know, you're saying when you first went to LA over there, they kind of didn't have a place for you, but do you reckon now you've kind of grown into the characters you can play?
Oh, look, fingers crossed. It's funny. The great spud Carol says, when a chick gives you a physical compliment, you don't believe them. But when a guy gives you a physical compliment, it means something. When you just said that, I was like, thanks man.
And it's true when dudes say you're looking good, they don't want to have sex with you and they usually don't want anything. They usually don't want to say it. And they also know that you're no longer eating corn chips and magnums at 11 o'clock and that's hard or you're not sucking piss every night.
So it's like, so what have you been doing? It's like, I haven't had a drink for six months. They're like, oh, why? Yeah, exactly. What have you been doing? Exercise. Yeah. What the hell did you do to stop drinking? Tell me about the last time you drank. It was like, I crashed my dad's car. Yeah. There's plenty of reasons. I think that was the last time I saw you, you know, was, was after I just stopped, you know, when we were talking about doing something together and, and I, you know, it was two years, two and a half years ago or something, and I did stop drinking and it has been very different, you know?
Now it's easy. Now it's the new normal. Now I couldn't think of anything worse, really.
But before then I didn't know how to get through the next three weeks without a wedding. I had a thing. I'm like, I'm going to be pissed for two and a half weeks in the next three weeks. And I just, I couldn't see another way.
Would that, and that would blow, would that blow you? That bloats. Yeah. Cause I can see my cheekbones and my jaw and stuff at the moment and my, my blue eyes are blue and I was kind of saggy and stuff around the blue too. Yeah.
It's not yellow. I feel like it's that 3d photo in the newspaper where you, the seahorse suddenly emerges. It's like, I have the 3d image of Brendan Cowell suddenly emerged and, and, um, it's confronting, you know, because every time something happens, you can have a beer and, you know, and it takes everything away and now you've got to deal with life on its terms. It's like, but, um, exercise becomes something for the mental health and I find it a lot more radical experience. I got to say not drinking it's, it's absolutely bonkers.
You know what I mean? Whereas drinking for me became repetitive. I thought I was doing something radical, but I wasn't. I was doing the same thing over and over again. Do actors fall into that kind of, uh, they want to kind of be the, the twisted drinker as well. They wanted to be the, I think so. And that's probably one of the things I talking about. Did I lean into Cronulla or whatever? I think I totally, you know, and when I wrote Ruben Guthrie, which was such a hit of a play, I think I was him, you know, and I had a house in Newtown and I was having parties and you could pretty much knock on my door at 2am whenever and there was 10 people in there, artists, um, singers, you know, and people staying in my house and I was, and I would tell the stories of my self destruction. And that was, you know, I was kind of a caricature of myself, but at the same time, I was like, I'm not sure I'm enjoying this and you know, everyone's around going, man, he goes so hard.
How does he do it? He's like, he's explaining it. Yeah.
And I think, you know, I think it's a common thing in 20s and 30s, I still see a lot of men and women do it, that they are a character in their own show, you know what I mean? And then somewhere in your 30s, you go, suddenly the show is less comedy, more tragedy now.
And that's where I got to. But yeah, I feel like, you know, it was, I got Avatar from doing a play in London and that's what I was most proud of. I played Galileo, Joe Wright directed me and the casting director saw that and then flew me to LA and I was, you know, I was halfway through the audition. And the audition went for three days because that's how Jim likes to roll and it was the full live action and the crew were down there and yeah, and he wanted it so big and so intense and I couldn't get there.
And then I went out of the room and I thought, I'm losing this, I'm about to lose this huge opportunity. And then, and I think it was that that was keeping me from it. But then, and then my nan, I got a text, my nan died. And I went, I'm going to go back to Sydney after this audition to a funeral and, and then I walked back in and I just looked at James Cameron and I looked, everyone went, I don't care, you know, because my nan just died.
And it was full Eminem, mic drop, weird, like, okay, what do you want? All right, watch this. And I just went bang. Yeah, right.
And then suddenly Cameron turned around and went, I think the captain's in the room. I think the captain's in the room.
And he's like, I wrote it, I wrote him as 60 in Scottish, but I think he's 40 in Australian. And I was like, I think he's 40 in Australia, watch this. And the thing that I realized with Jim was that you just had to play, he's a director, he's a kid.
He loves actors. I think he loves actors because it's the one department he can't do because he can do anything else, you know, and has won awards for it, like he can do anything on the film set kind of better than everybody with the actors he looks and he goes, yeah, that was good.
And almost through gritted teeth, like, how'd you do that? I don't know, I'm just acting, you know, and so I don't know, I, I've never wanted to hide out in LA, I don't know, but if it inhaled me, I'd go for it, but I'm definitely not going to go up and put my hand up.
So how long has that Avatar, obviously the next Avatar, how long has that been in production for? That's been five years before I went on and I've been on last two and a half years. I'm in the next two films. So one comes out December 22 and the next one, December 24, I've got a bit to do on the third film still.
Right. And they said, are you available early 2023? And I said, it's looking like it, I'll make myself available, February school.
And that concludes part one of the Brendan Cowell podcast. His new book, Plum should be available to pre-order online. Now tune in next week on the Battuta Advocate radio show and listen to part two where we spend a little bit more time breaking down the masculinity of aging middle aged men in the Cronulla Shire, namely our prime minister, Scott Morrison, and how these men all relate to the Cronulla sharks. Brendan also gives us the rundown on what he did in 2017, won October in 2017 when the Cronulla sharks finally won the NRL premiership. All that and more next week with Brendan Cowell. Thank you for tuning in. |
cracked | cops_shouldn_t_have_guns_congress_shouldn_t_have_twitter_more_some_news | Hey, welcome to the news. Here is some of it.
The highly anticipated Han Solo prequel from Disney has been shaken up after directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller were let go due to a slow production and improv-heavy scenes, upsetting executive producer Lawrence Kasdan who wrote Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. President of Lucasfilm Kathleen Kennedy has replaced the directors with Ron Howard, who will go through the footage and finish the movie from there, so I guess all I really want to say is that Disney's Lucasfilm's Kathleen Kennedy's Phil Lord and Chris Miller's Ron Howard's Lawrence Kasdan Star Wars, the Han Solo prequel, is going to be good, but also really great.
And that's, I guess, the least biased I could possibly be, and now we're going to talk about the f***ing news, where everybody hates each other and is mad all the time. And how are we going to get through this? There are attacks on the truth and there's some really heated rhetoric and occasional violence, and the NRA just made a commercial that's like, everyone on the left is violent, join our club for having guns. And it's not explicitly a call for violence or a civil war, but I do definitely think we should maybe calm down and say that we don't want a civil war. And I suppose that might be a controversial idea.
But I tell it like it is. I make movies that tell it like it is.
So what we're going to do today is not talk about the divisive issues that you know we want to. It's time to talk about the news everybody can get behind. So, for example, nothing about President Donald Trump.
That's a typo. I said no typos.
A country's president? Hold on. Alright, congratulations Mr. President.
I hope you do a good job, and I hope you don't make anybody mad at you for the cruel, illegal, and or ignorant things you might say and or do. And I hope you help people in tangible ways that are honest and based in fact and thoughtfulness.
Anyway, President Donald Trump's approval rating is around 36% according to the most polls. One says 50% which seems exactly wrong. But within that range is enough to be too divisive for this show.
The Fourth of July is coming up. It's time to unite as a people.
So let's talk about things everybody hates like Congress and the media and people dying. Congress and people dying have been killing it lately.
A teenage boy was killed by a stray bullet that came from a gun that was aimed by a police officer at a dog. Police were called for a noise complaint. The dog bit the officer and so he and another officer opened fire. Seems like in addition to shooting people a lot, cops shoot dogs a lot.
Is that right? Not like is it just but does it happen a lot? 25 dogs a day are shot by cops in America. Is that accurate? Did somebody look that up? Did I?
No, that's a rough estimate by the Department of Justice. There's actually not much data on the subject though and in fact there wasn't much data on people killed by police until less than two years ago when publications like the Guardian and the Washington Post started tallying all the shootings in the news. But there's no solid data from law enforcement.
So a woof estimate is about 2.7 people a day are shot and killed by the police. About 25 dogs and sometimes one of those dogs is missed and the bullet hits a kid. And that sucks for everybody.
And police officers are trained to react that way. They're trained to basically be afraid of everything because everything is a potential threat to them. They're shown dash cam footage of officers being attacked and killed. Because sometimes officers are attacked and killed. They're taught in many situations to shoot without hesitation. Like when a dog bites you or when a person reaches anywhere. A common phrase among cops is better to be judged by 12 than carried by six. It's grim but it keeps them alive. But it also doesn't change the fact that officers who are meant to protect and serve are trained to shoot without hesitation. While untrained citizens have to stay calm and follow orders with a gun in their face. It doesn't matter if you say black or blue or all or no lives matter. There's definitely a problem with the relationship between people and police. Maybe police officers need better and different training. Maybe they should communicate more with citizens. Maybe they shouldn't have guns.
Wait! Don't leave. Just hear me out.
Maybe cops shouldn't have guns. Cops shoot people dead a lot. But they're supposed to protect and serve. And guns were invented for the purposes of killing the person you're pointing it at. And that's no way to protect somebody. And a lot of times cops shoot people dead when those people were simply running away. Like they were leaving. And that's not great to do if you've done crimes but maybe they shouldn't get shot dead for it. And obviously we want to protect cops but instead of bullets from guns they could use tases from tasers. A common response to this is that tasers are often not that accurate and can be ineffective.
To which common sense replied then make a better one. Stop giving cops tanks and paying millions of dollars to grieving families and instead invest in big taser and make a f***ing weapon that doesn't butt c***ing kill people. How have we not done this yet? Guns are old. We can probably update them to be a tool that stops a person minus the death part. I'm no scientist or rich person. But if you honestly think that it's an impossible idea to come up with an effective device for protecting police but not killing citizens then you don't honestly think that because how could you possibly know that? I don't know why I'm so angry it seems like a solution people on all sides to probably agree on at least like checking out.
We cool? Cool.
Here's some news. Obama's jeans game got stronger. Wait, it's s***. What? Obama's jeans game? That's not news. Get f***ed. Who thinks that's news?
Can you zoom in? More. A little more. Ah, great.
Nope. Before we move on let's try out a new segment called No. Just stop. Today's segment is about, can we get a prompt? No. Just stop. Stop talking like this.
This cult of personality, this bubble-gummification of our world leaders because they're dreamy. Dope socks are great. And Trudeau is a week-long field trip to the Charm Factory. But will his sock game bring peace to the world? Sadly no. But will selling weapons to Saudi Arabia and increasing military spending by billions of dollars bring peace to the world?
Oh also no? Darn it. This has been No. Just stop.
Oh here's some news. The White House press corps has been banned from filming the Daily White House press briefing and in response reporters have made some pretty cute tweets about it. Here's CNN's Jim Acosta tweeting a picture of his socks during it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Nice tweet. Good traction on that tweet.
You know what? Here's another installment of No. Just stop. Jim, the title of this segment. This cutesy stuff is not helping.
You're a White House press correspondent and they forbid you from filming it which is unprecedented and it spits in the face of transparency and our nation's institutions and balances. And the White House has literally called the press the enemy of the people. Not a flawed but necessary institution but the enemy of the people. And a lot of people believe it and s*** just f***ed up right now.
So please don't just tweet hashtag why are the cameras off. They're off because you won't turn them on Jim. Turn the cameras on Jim. Meanwhile, CNN which I've read is ISIS and I've heard his fake news but I've seen that they're also right a lot. So maybe we should criticize and scrutinize incidents and personalities individually instead of dismissing the entire organization as fake. But anyway, meanwhile, CNN in lieu of cameras sent a sketch artist to draw the briefing and it was a good tweet and they got some real nice traction but also send a camera next time CNN. Then turn the camera on Jim.
Don't just tweet about it. You're there. We'll tweet about it. We don't get to be there.
If you get dragged out and you never get to go into that room again, you were the reporter who was removed from a White House press briefing for filming it. That's not good optics for a government or even just spitballing an airline. Let other people tweet about Sean Spicer swallowing gum and how f***ing crazy it is that an administration is using cherry-picked examples of bad reporting to discredit the entire institution of journalism.
And you know, stop recording daily White House press briefings in which the country could have seen recently the director of ICE, which has been aggressively clamping down on undocumented immigrants since Trump took office, concede that undocumented immigrants do not commit more crimes than native-born Americans. And that director of ICE also said that there are 11 to 12 million illegal immigrants, not the 30 million claimed by President Goodbrain never lies.
Okay, actually never mind Jim. It's actually kind of great everybody's there to at least tweet about what said. It's important.
But also just turn the cameras on just to see. Just to see?
Please. Please?
Your tweet will get way more traction. Same goes to you, Chris segue Murphy.
The Connecticutian senator who took a picture of the door behind which the GOP secretly wrote their health care bill, which turned out to be not so great. The senator tweeted, I found tonight's secret Republican health care meeting room.
Should I go in? Yes, Chris. Go in. Yes. Film it if you want. Ask them why they're writing this bill in secret. You're there. Go in. Or just take a picture of a door posted online and then walk down a hallway. You're a senator.
Good tweet, Chris. You're not watching this. This was pointless. Hey everybody, thanks for watching the news and if you want to subscribe to our channel click the big C in the middle. There are other videos around here you can watch and click the bell icon to get notifications for new videos and we'll see you in the future in other stuff. Have a good day! |
SaturdayNightLive | psa_snl | My name is Davis, and I'm stupid. Hi, I'm Joanne, and for as long as I can remember, I've been a stupid person. I'm stupid, and my parents are both stupid. I'm stupid, and my grandson is stupid. nearly one in five U.s. adults live with a mental illness or learning disability.
And we are not that. Believe me, they checked.
I'm just plain stupid. I always knew I was different. things that were obvious to everyone else were always very complicated for me. jokes have to be explained. movies have to be explained. foods have to be explained. slowly. I don't need this thing. I just thought it sounded cool. I guess that's stupid. most people, like me, go their whole lives without ever knowing they're stupid.
But we're everywhere. we drive your buses. we run companies. I write laws. And I don't even know what I do. I found out I was stupid, walking full speed into a glass window. a stained glass window. sarcasm just sounds like lies to me. being stupid is not a choice. it's not a choice. it's a choice. just because you are a stupid person doesn't mean you don't have a voice. So get out there. get out there.
And vote. And vote. let your voice be heard. Vote. vote. I'm stupid. And I vote. I vote.
And I am very stupid. Wait. this ain't my grandson. because my stupid vote counts as much as anybody else's. and sometimes, way more. like in my county. So don't let them stop you. don't let them confuse you. somebody will say something, and then somebody will say something else. it's just too much. You can vote. you can buy a gun. you can buy all the guns. I watch one channel, and I get so mad. My son's wife is a smart person. she's tearing us apart. Vote. get out there. vote every day if you have to. It's not like they ask if you're stupid. nobody should have to learn things if they don't want to.
I'm over, donkey. But sometimes, I like elephant. I want a candidate that smiles at me. the computer screen said, prove you're not a robot. So I cut myself. somebody will say a joke. and I'm like, is that real? my screen time is 14 hours a day. but they don't know. I have another phone. vote. vote. vote. dance. vote. for a tall man. vote. because they give you a sticker, and you can put it anywhere. stupid person.
I'm scared. And my parents are both stupid. I'm stupid. And my grandson is stupid. nearly one in five U.s. adults live with a mental illness or learning disability. and we are not that. Believe me, they checked. I'm just plain stupid. I always knew I was different. things that were obvious to everyone else were always very complicated for me. jokes have to be explained. movies have to be explained. foods have to be explained. slowly.
I don't need this thing. I just thought it sounded cool.
I guess that's stupid. most people, like me, go their whole lives without ever knowing they're stupid. But we're everywhere. we drive your buses. we run companies. I write laws. And I don't even know what I do. I found out I was stupid, walking full speed into a glass window. a stained glass window. sarcasm just sounds like lies to me. being stupid is not a choice. it's not a choice. it's a choice. just because you are a stupid person doesn't mean you don't have a voice. So get out there. get out there.
And vote. And Vote. Let your voice be heard. Vote. I'm stupid. And I vote. I vote.
And I am very stupid. Wait. this ain't my grandson.
Because my stupid vote counts as much as anybody else's. and sometimes way more. like in my county. So don't let them stop you. don't let them confuse you. somebody will say something, and then somebody will say something else. it's just too much. You can vote. you can buy a gun. you can buy all the guns. I watch one channel, and I get so mad. My son's wife is a smart person. she's tearing us apart. Vote. Get out there. vote every day if you have to. It's not like they ask if you're stupid. nobody should have to learn things if they don't want to.
I'm over donkey. But sometimes I like elephant. I want a candidate that smiles at me. the computer screen said, prove you're not a robot. So I cut myself. somebody will say a joke.
And I'm like, is that real? my screen time is 14 hours a day. but they don't know. I have another phone.
Vote. Dance. Vote. vote for a tall man. vote because they give you a sticker, and you can put it anywhere. |
cracked | 1_3_08_news_on_cracked_justine_the_us_mint_and_more | It's January 3, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I work hard for the money, so you better treat her right. The U.S. Mint unveiled a new line of $1 coins that featured the likenesses of James Monroe, Andrew Jackson, and George Washington. Now it's easier than ever to have a president in your pocket, especially if you work for the automotive or health industries or Halliburton. An inmate escaped from a Maryland hospital after overpowering two guards, then took a worker hostage, shot two people, and stole two getaway cars before being cornered by police in a cemetery and getting killed in a shootout. Happy New Year, everyone!
Let's check in now with iJustine for yet another of her famous iPhone etiquette tips. It's Sam, iPhone etiquette tip from iJustine. Yes, my name is iJustine, and this is my iPhone.
But no, for the last time, we are not brothers. iJustine Thanks Justine. Excellent as always.
DVD by mail service Netflix will begin delivering movies and other programming directly to televisions this year through a set-top box that will pipe entertainment over a high-speed connection. Officials are calling it a real technological advancement. The ability to watch movies on your television at any time. It sounds almost like television.
Let's go now to field reporter Kirk Filch for a few tough questions. Kirk? My toothbrush. Is it safe? Besides my mouth and crotch areas, where else has it been? Who was that bearded gentleman I loaned it to last month? Why do I refuse to ever rinse it off? What is toothpaste? When will my dentist stop avoiding me? I'm Kirk Filch, and none of these questions have answers.
Back to you, Lexi. Did that just happen? I think it did. That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back tomorrow for naked pictures of Cracked's sexiest correspondent, me, Lex Friedman. |
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