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SaturdayNightLive | wilson_the_volleyball_saturday_night_live | The film, Castaway continues to cruise along at the box office and while audiences with the tour de force performance of its star, he's one of America's favorite actors and we are very, very lucky to have him here tonight. Please welcome the star of Castaway Wilson, the Volleyball.
I love you, New York. I love you.
Give yourself a nice round of applause Now Wilson, you were great in Castaway, but I got to know what is it like working with Tom Hanks? Hanks is a dick. As soon as the filming started, he knew I was turning into the star of the damn flick. So, what does he do? He goes behind my back to Zemeckis and gets my sex scene cut.
You had a sex scene. Oh, yeah, it was sensual, erotic, and very tasteful. I did it with a turtle. You had sex with a yeah. yeah with my little inflation.
Nub here. hey, can we get a shot of it? Maybe a little shot of my nub. Something for the ladies. look at my nub, my little nubby.
Yeah, let's let's move on to your early career. You you're classically trained and alumnus of Chicago Steppenwolf Theatre Company. Uh-huh. And yeah, there's you and Gary Sinise in the Grapes of Wrath. But you gave up the stage for television and a role on One Life To Live as Dr. Malcolm Baxter and his evil twin see it said the Volleyball. Yep, yep, but now things are really taken off. I just wrapped a six-week stint on Boston Public. I'm also taking over the role of Jack Ryan in the next Tom Clancy movie and I'm stored in a closet. Sounds like a sounds like a bright future for a bright talent.
You know, you're pretty sassy. Miss Tina Fey.
I'll give you ten grand for a pair of your panties. Disgusting. No fine, fine. If we're done here, I'm gonna skate. I gotta meet Andy Dick and a crate of tennis balls at Nobu. I. |
cracked | why_labyrinth_is_secretly_about_masturbation_today_s_topic | What? Why are you looking at me like that? You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power. What power? The power of voodoo. Voodoo? You do. No, I don't. What? Remind me of the babe!
What the f**k, Soren? Labyrinth! Oh, did you not realize we were doing the... Oh, man, you were pretty much dead on, too. That was great.
I don't have time for this. Sorry. But do you have time to talk about David Bowie's dick? You have only 13 hours.
Okay, so Labyrinth is a movie about Jennifer Connelly having to save her younger brother from Muppets, all while earning the power of responsibility, right? Sure. You say so, man.
No! That's wrong, you idiot!
I submit that the entire movie is about one thing, a teenage girl losing her virginity to her own mind. Talk about David Bowie's dick! First, you have to understand that the entire movie, Labyrinth, is a metaphor for all the complexities and confusions of a young girl and her first foray into sexual fantasy.
Jen Conn, she starts the movie out in a park playing pretend, which, frankly, she's a little too old for. And her mom even says... You should have dates at your age!
F**k! Did you just pause for me to remember a clip from a movie I haven't seen? No. Change my mind.
Three minutes. You have three minutes.
Talk about David Bowie. Okay, weird that she would choose those specific times. Now, Jen Conn tells her younger brother, a baby brother, the representation of her own innocence.
I hate you. I wish someone would come and take you away. Then, when her dad and her stepmom go out to dinner, Jennifer Connolly is left alone.
And what does she do? She goes on a little fantasy exploration in her own mind. And she thinks, hmm, I wonder what it would be like if someone did actually come and take my innocence. I bet it would go a little something like this.
Enter Muppets, huh? Enter everything in her room. She's been so mired in this one childhood fantasy that that's her only entry point. She enters this mental maze with all of her stuffed animals there, and waiting for it in the middle, a big ol' dick.
Attached to David Bowie. No, I don't buy it. There's no way they would put all that in a kid's movie. The Bowie dick was probably just an unfortunate, fortunate costume choice. Oh really?
The first person she meets in the labyrinth is Hoggle. And Hoggle's job is to spray naked female fairies with a phallic tool. And when she meets him, he's peeing. He's got his dick out. She's just sexualizing the usual cast of fantasy characters from her childhood.
She's trying to figure it out. She's just looking for some sort of understanding. Baby steps for Connelly.
But she never actually has sex. Except she does. Not literally, but she goes through all of the experiences that lead to sex. She falls into the hole with all of the hands touching her.
The taboo and dirtiness of the bog of eternal stench. Jared gives her that fruit. The plump. Oh, nicely. The sexual reproductive organ of the tree. And she bites into it.
And she's transported to this weird masquerade orgy. Where everyone's caressing each other and dancing and hand-jobbing each other's noses. Standard sex stuff. Yeah, if you're a confused kid, absolutely. And so Dance and Dave, he finds her. And she seems to sort of enjoy being found.
And she wakes up in a pile of trash. She looks at the peach in her hand. And now it's just a moldy piece of fruit with a worm in it. So she throws it away because she's disgusted with it. She's disgusted with herself.
Why are you looking at me like that? I'm just feeling so sorry for your future potential daughters. Do you really feel like female sexual exploration ends with self-loathing and disgust?
Yeah. Doesn't it? It does for me. So the entire message of Labyrinth is that female sexual awakening will begin with self-loathing. Not just that.
When she gets to the castle, she makes all her fantasy friends wait outside while she goes into the Goblin King's room alone. Because she says, That's the way it's done. And all of her friends wait outside. And they say, We'll be here waiting should you need us.
She learns right then that she doesn't have to give up her childhood completely just to be a woman. And she doesn't have to choose to just be a child forever.
So, in her mind, her ideal lover is a big-dicked, baby-stealing, contact-juggling Goblin King. Played by David Bowie.
Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna go rub one out. Will you cover it for me? Jesus, don't just say it.
Hey guys! Thanks for watching the video. I hope you liked it a whole lot. Make sure to subscribe and leave the comments. And click the like button to show you liked it. Don't be too mean in the comments. Thanks.
On Monday, Wednesday, Friday, we got brand new videos for you. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, we don't do that. On the weekends, we also don't do that. So be sure to check them out on Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
You guys are the best. I'll crack you later. Thanks for cracking. |
dropout | hardly_working_feudal_humor | Yup. Come right on in. Come on in.
Hi. How you doing? Greg? Yeah, hi. Greg, nice to meet you.
Is this your resume? It is, yes. Oh, great. Thanks.
So now what made you want to be an intern here? Well, I'm really eager to learn, and this seems like a great working intern.
Oh, I'm sorry, just one second. Pat!
So you were at an accounting firm before this? Okay, well, this is obviously going to be a little different. There's not a lot of faxing and filing. We operate on a feudal system. He'll be for me, intern, Alex. Now arise, Sir Alex. And journey to the mail room and find out if my Netflix have arrived yet. And look, before you ask, no. This isn't just a warrior aristocracy, okay?
Oh, don't mind me. Just an imbalance of the humors, that's all. Just got to use one of these little guys to suck out the disease. Oh, hey, noni noni. A cherry lozenge.
So you see, the kingdom has two lords, six vassals, three knights, and a thriving community of serfs. Oh, and an IT department, too. They're really the heart and soul.
Stupid Wi-Fi. Kevin, can you reset the router? Still not working. I'm switching to Belkin.
You know what it is, Greg? We gathered some data. We found that a pure meritocracy really wasn't that much of an incentive to productivity. And instead, the threat of death and the crushed potential of your entire genetic line was really what motivated these guys, you know what I mean? That really lit a fire under their ass. Of course, it's not all feudal tenure.
I mean, we know how to have a good time. So I said to him, Jester, I hardly know her. I'm calling you to heart. It really is the most civilized internship program in the world. Uh, yeah, I'm gonna take my resume back. It was nice to meet you.
But, go then! Who needs ye? You seem too bilious anyway! A peasant lower than a donkey you are!
What's going on here? Dan is plowing up the carpet? Did someone shoot Murph?
Go back to your desk. Yeah, yeah, sorry. Sorry. Done? Yeah. You're welcome. Thanks. |
dropout | Game_Changer_Season_6_Trailer_Dropout_Exclusive_Series | There's something at work here which is rather sinister what is happening that was too much you've gone too far our blood pressure is bad Right now I like four theories in my head of what's going on. I can't confirm any of them yet So I'm just like holding four separate realities. Yeah, we are fully entering the multiverse Now you all understand how the game works No, no, no Sam, we don't know no Sam, you know, we don't know possibly. Yeah Very confused. Oh, oh, I know what this is This is so chaotic I consider you a friend which makes the fact that you're fucking with me all the more a betrayal You don't like out of the box thinking on a game changer Oh, if you have any questions, we can call game Kia though grand O'Brien. Oh You work with what you're given Sam's top Twitter search is his own name and quote Diabolical. I am it's not funny Sam. It's not funny.
You hit a nerve. Okay. I'm sorry everybody. I'm I'm gonna go This should cut good Like it we did for you I guess I do know the answer Sam. You are the perfect American. I've been here the whole time |
dropout | nick_s_commercials_zune_warehouse | The universal language is English, but also it is music. So come on down to Nick Zoon's warehouse and get yourself a ZOOOON! MP3 technology. I've been playing around with this thing for a week and I'm convinced it's a wish. Jeff Kepa Cutie, Kanye, Gregorian Chan, Monster Mash, that band that Kevin Bacon does, the Woo Clan, Kang and Coldplay.
Four fucking sides! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... Oh shit. Load your ZOONs up on a scale and buy your ZOONs by the pound! Let's say it's cold out, you drop it, it's not working, maybe even it's December 31st. Trade your ZOON in for 30 ZOONs! Available in 4, 8, 16, 4,000 and Mount Rushmore! ZOON! I gotta get rid of this fucking shit. ZOON OVER MY HAMMING!
Not your stony music. Pictures of my niece's elbow, recital, trance radio, meerkat manner, The Matrix. This is when she hit the fucking high note, you can't hear it but it's beautiful. |
dropout | what_if_offices_took_birthday_celebrations_too_far_all_nighter | Thank you everyone. Yay! This is very nice of you all.
My favorite memory of Katie is when she brought cookies into the office and then she shared them with everybody for no reason at all. My favorite memory of Katie was yesterday she brought a lot of lasagna into lunch and she gave me a bite. My favorite memory of Katie is when I woke up too late to get ready and she still said I had good hair. Now it is time for the birthday robe. This is just really special.
If I had to describe Katie in one word, it would be kind. If I had to describe Katie in one word, it would be lasagna. If I had to describe Katie in one word, it would also be kind. If I had to describe Katie in one word, it would be helpful. If I had to describe Katie in one word, it would be friend.
Aww, and guys. What a beautiful cake. It is time for the ceremonial cake cutting. Katie, place the cake upon us. We will be your birthday table. That is so sweet. You can sit now, I will be your chair. Aww, thanks so much. Cut the cake my birthday queen.
That was a lot of fun. And now begins the Katy Parade. Well this will be good. What a lovely celebration. We will now watch the ceremonial birthday video. Everyone gather round as we watch the crowning of Katy's head during her birth. Thanks guys. Stay tuned after the screening for a special Q&A with Katy's mom. Can't wait for that. |
dropout | hardly_working_pee_on_your_butt_all_nighter_2012 | Hey, do you guys know where the bathroom is? Because I really have to pee pee. Hey dude, there's an entire empty urinal right next to you.
So you don't have to stand behind me like a weirdo. Don't fucking turn around. Oh my god, okay, look. I have $26 in my wallet. Just take it, okay man. I don't want your money.
What? What do you want? What do you do? Dude! What are you doing?
Stop it!
Let me get something through your fucking head. Every time you come into the bathroom, I'm going to pee. I'm going to fuck. I love that joke.
Yo, Slick Nick! Hey, you look a little shaken there. You alright buddy? Yeah, I'm fine.
Yo, it smells like pee. Jenny, you smell that? Yeah, yo, it smells like pee. Yo, yeah. Hey. I don't smell anything. Hey, you get pee on your jeans dude? No. What? You get pee on your jean butt?! Why don't you mind your own business?!
So I sacrificed that dog and Maui. Maui's beautiful.
What are you talking about?! What are you even talking about?! Why did you say urethra?!
Oh, there you're pooping! Close it, I'm pooping! You've come back for more. Oh god, not you again. Well, lucky for you, I'm going to pee.
Dude, please don't, okay? These are jinko jeans. They were very expensive. Please don't.
You know what? You know what I want. Say it.
I want you to not please pee on my butt, please. Say it again. I don't want you to pee on my butt! Say it. Don't pee on my butt! Please don't pee on my butt! No!
Hey, slick Nick. How you doing, big man? There was a man who was right here, and he peed on my butt. But I asked him not to. What did he pee on my butt? Wait a minute, what are you doing here? What the hell are you talking about? I've known you ten years. I would never pee on your butt! Then why are you here?! Hey, sorry. Me again. I called him here.
I have Brian pick me up after I make poops. It just makes him feel better, you know? Okay, gang. Gather round.
Water drinking contest. First one to drink all this water wins $1,000. That is an easily drinkable amount of water.
And so, the lamb has walked her path to the meadow where she will be slaughtered. And by slaughter, I mean...
God, Nick, are you okay? Yeah, Jenny. I'm gonna be just fine. Hello? Oh, hey, Danny, done making poops? |
dropout | hardly_working_children_s_films | All right, now in this scene, the princess has begun to fall in love with the furry monster and her enchanted friends start singing a song about that love. But what are the visuals? All right, where are we taking people on this journey? Right, the music begins, strings, flutes, the princess and the monsters see each other and then he, uh, he, what we could do anyway, he comes on her face, comes on her face, comes on her ass, comes on her back, comes on her hair, comes on her mouth, comes on her nose, comes on her eyes, comes on her nips.
Meets her at the top of the stairs. Perfect! I love it. Okay, so, she's at the top of the stairs and she...
Sucks on his dick, sucks on her tits. Tits on his face, facing her tits. Tits on his dick, shits on her tits. Facing her puss, sucks on her coop. Cooting her puss, pussing her boots.
The frying pan begins to sing! Perfect! I love it. Okay, so, they walk down the stairs, the frying pan begins to sing, all right, it's beautiful, and then he, what's on her tits, comes on her knees, sucks on her dick, farts on his puss, kisses her tits, shits on her clit, they begin to slow dance. Perfect! I love it. Okay, so, they're slow dancing, it's romantic, and then falls in her throat, piss in a jar, fucks in her shoes, dicks on her moves, tastes in her snatch, tastes in her puss, eats on her feet, tastes in her puss, she's on her waist, tastes in her puss, eats on her farts, knows in her sharts, tastes in her puss, comes on a cat, cats abreast, cats abreast, cats abreast, cats abreast, cats abreast, cats abreast, they walk up together onto the balcony. Perfect! I love it. Guys, great work. Yeah. One more thing before brunch, I am working on an amateur pornographic film, and I do need some ideas for that, so the pizza guy shows up, he's got the pizza box, he walks into the girl's house, unbuggles his belt, and then he uses his third wish to set the genie free. Perfect! I love it! |
cracked | we_remade_tenet_for_20_deleted_scenes_outtakes | We spent all our money on the mouth surgery and we forgot to buy correct nose tubes for you, sir. Oh, that's all right. I used to do coke with these shits. You brought the right guy back. I'll show you how to party. You got it.
Are we saying Armageddon here? No. Something worse. Climate change. Negative. Polar ice caps. Refreezing. Not even close. What is it? Just tell me, damn it. Something worse. You said that already. I'm sorry. The cries went through this house.
Michael Caine.
Okay. We all believe we run into the world. Are you happy with this performance? My son will be there. He's such a sweet kid. We can make another one.
How would you like to die? No. How about motorcycle?
I can... I know one. Don't try to understand it. Feel it. Uh, pull it. We're the Kunkar fight and a baton nose. And two eyes. I know what I've got.
My name is Michael Caine. How would you like to die?
Not in a country where there's no black people. I cannot arrange this.
Are you bored? You do. You smell bad for diplomats. You're my cocoa boy.
I don't... Not from my diplomats.
It disappears up my ass, out my mouth. I provide this entire restaurant with food. I've inverted my anus. All right.
Michael Caine.
Oh, that can be arranged. And now I'm bored. Very nice. Okay.
Go to the bathroom.
Don't let me shut the door behind you. I don't want to fluff. How would you like to die?
Well, I do have this one fantasy with the big rubber ducky that travels the world. And then there's these alligators that attack.
And she's super strong, so Pippi Longstocking can take them all. Not like a gang bang type of take, but anyway. And then Pippi comes. And she overpowers me. I let her.
What can you say? Pigtails? Choking you?
Yeah. Can you arrange that? That can be arranged. That was great.
What is wrong with me?
All I have for you is a word coupled with a gesture. Coupled with a word mark. Coupled with a logo. Weird feel. Why? Coupled with a website. Coupled with an active social media presence. Coupled with... You are very good with your fists for a diplomat. And so is that what she's into? Coupled with a new drink at Starbucks and a breakfast item at Taco Bell. Tenant. What the hell is going on? Okay.
Am I in the future? The past? Are we going to start rolling credits soon? Are we rolling the credits backwards?
I need a dinner for this. I'm sorry. I get turned on by all the excitement.
I hate Romano. Why do you choose Romano cheese?
You are good with your fists for a protagonist. I am aware of the IMD page. Look at this. It is good for you. I know you are masturbating. I smell the balls on your fingers.
We live in a twilight world. Inversion convicts all of us. I've tortured many men. I like to take their balls and just shove them down my throat.
Then they will give information. And if not, it's been a great day. Probably top five Saturdays.
The balls asphyxiate, I asphyxiate, and nobody can breathe. How exactly does that digest? Poorly. What are you doing? I don't know how this works.
So you want to crash a plane? Come on from the air. Don't be so dramatic. Okay. Well, how big of a plane?
That part is a little dramatic. If the genders were reversed in Titanic, right away the power dynamic becomes super weird. You have a spoiled dude from an upper class family picking between a forced marriage to a rich girl and a hot teenage vagrant who impresses him with detailed sketches of penises. |
cracked | a_non_gamer_plays_horizon_zero_dawn_cracked_plays_let_s_play | Hey everyone, welcome to another Cracked Plays, so this time we're gonna play Horizon Zero Dawn. I haven't played video games in 15 years, and now Adam is giving me a crash course into everything that I've missed. I would equate this to like, you decided to try smoking for the first time and then went right to heroin. Okay, so then you went right into the fire and stuff. Fortunately for you, I've skipped probably 30 hours ahead into this game so that you didn't have to digest the insane story.
So for your purposes, all you need to do is shoot robot dinosaurs. If you push this, you scroll through a bunch of like, tools that you have. So down here, that is Rock. And if you push down, you can use the Rock. Congratulations, you can go to Rock. Fortunately for you, this is one of the more, uh, benevolence species of robot dinosaurs.
Oh, s***, I rolled. Alright, um... They look mad at you. Oh, that's an effect button. Why are you running? Oh, s***. Nicely done. Check me out. You ever seen that before? No.
I like how the dinosaurs attack a lot. I wish they did it to someone else, but I really like the way they move. I do find it a little strange that these robot dinosaurs weren't given more effective hitting tools. Yeah, they have to leap in the air and then... Chicken leg? Yeah, it's a very silly way to attack a thing. I hear the screams of my next victims.
Which of you is dumb and slow? That's sort of where I'm at right now. Yeah, they don't have a lot of baby or weak dinosaurs.
S*** you! Yeah, you hit it. Oh, what are you screaming for? There you go. I was asking him. It was me and a dick.
You decided to swim toward them, which I thought was pretty brave. Very brave, yeah.
Bam. Oh, what happened to your stupid face? S*** you! And I didn't know it worked this way. Oh, s***. No one told me! It's sort of like, s***, s***, s***, s***.
Roll! Never stop rolling!
I just want to point out, in the future they give you robot results and then velocirates. Did you f***ing see that? Did you see that before? They thought I was running around and then I turned and I got them both.
Like, I was built for this. Like, what happens when you play Super Mario? Do you, like, feel like... Do you, like, imbibe the plumber power of that? Like, do you just become the person you play?
You can't get past Bowser. Okay, so now you see where all those spots are? That's stuff you can kill. And you can tag it if you hold the R2, right? So now that thing's going to stay highlighted when you turn off the vision so you can always know where it is.
That is a turkey. That's a turkey. But you can clearly kill it.
Yeah. I know.
Just hold onto it for Thanksgiving or whatever. If there's anything to be thankful for in this universe... He has a lot to be thankful for in this universe.
It's populated by robot dinosaurs. Now, if you click that vision button... Okay. Oh, sure.
You burned that turkey alive. Why not? Did you f***ing see it, Scott? What's up, motherf***er? Did you come here to mourn the other one? Is that why you're by the body? Bam! If we weren't here and no one was recording this, would you still be talking to those dinosaurs?
Thousand percent. I thought so. I got to say, when you're watching this game, it was really intense. Oh, are you shooting back? I can take it as much as it is. Who are you?
Stop it. Run away, Daniel. Daniel, roll.
Who does the score, you know? It's good music. Cute me both, lady.
Some dinosaurs have weak points like that where you can exploit them. They're all pretty weak, as far as I can say. That's fair. It's definitely not because of where I started. I think the fire arrow might not work.
Oh, you know what? You're right. Good talk, guys. That's the cool thing about the hardpoint arrows, you knock his... Okay! There you go. You see how much damage you did there? That's what happens when you shoot it in the eye.
What's up, buddy? You came here alone? Do you have any friends?
These are dinosaur bad guys, right? Maybe I'm safe over here. They're dinosaur gazelles, yes. They're dinosaur gazelles.
What about that? Oh, do you think your eyes are blue? Do you think the fear is gone? At what point do you think they are getting the message? Like, can they ever get it, or is it just death is the only message to learn? I should get closer and ask them. Where you at?
F*** yourself! The camera, fix it! Oh, no. Do it wrong. Bravely run away.
I see you.
Yeah, that's a real gladiator shot. This is a lot of fun. Aren't you just elated to find an enemy that was your match? That's not good. First of all, there's like six of them. Six of them are my match, and your smugness is not welcome in this game.
Just to satisfy my curiosity, what was your favorite game when you were growing up? Like Little Kid, or when gaming was serious? Yeah. I really liked Comic Zone. I like the Metal Gear games.
You want a better answer, I bet. No, I don't. That's a good answer.
Right there. There you go. That part fell off. You can have it.
Oh, you can also mind and control the horse and then ride it, if that's something that... This is way too late in the f***ing game. Party weasel, this is... This is the first time you even counted a robot horse. What do you want? You could, in theory, mind and control it. Yeah, you gotta wait for him to forget that you exist, and then... I got a lot of things on my plate right now. Yo, this motherf***er is fast. Roll!
If you hide, he's gonna forget you exist, and then you can go mind and control him. But he's gonna... He'll have all this time thinking he bested me, though. Why is he...
Good, it's getting daylight again? My horse did, Kenneth. Yeah, you've been out doing this all night. I didn't have anywhere to be. Hundreds and hundreds of n****s of gradual change. Have you guys seen that? That was such a close call, and I ruled at it. F*** you. Now we were talking about geography. I feel like if you'd lived in the Old West, you wouldn't have been allowed to have a horse.
Oh, hey, everybody. They're all mad. Right in the gas canister. Am I winning? Okay. Oh, good lord. Here it goes.
They're all dying. They're all gonna die.
You just burned that entire flop to smithereens. Can I kill this piece of s***? Yeah, you can. Go ahead and hit that raccoon for no reason. Why not? Oh, that's it?
Hey, everyone. Thanks so much for watching. If you'd like to subscribe to our channel, hit that big C in the middle. If you want to watch more crack videos, click the links on the right, and if you want to hit that notification bell down at the bottom, we will let you know the next time we have a sweet video for you to consume. Thanks a lot. |
SaturdayNightLive | gingrich_cold_open_saturday_night_live | Ha ha ha, yeah, all right. Bob? Oh, hey, Newt. Hello, Speaker of the House.
I didn't mean to interrupt. no, no, no, no, no, don't be silly. technically, it's not my office yet. No, no, sit down. I just came by to clear out my desk.
Oh. oh, I did that for you. put all your stuff right here in this box. Oh, well, thank you. don't mention it. where's my cup? Oh, I didn't see it. my cup? my speaker does it on the floor cup. you got your pins in it. Oh, oh, is that yours? Yeah. I thought it came with the office.
Well, it doesn't. Ok. hey, I know it's unpleasant when you get booted out. Hey, I didn't get booted out. I resigned. Oh, no, not you. No, I mean, it would be hard if someone, you know, if they got fired, but you resigned. by the way, do you want this?
What's that? it's your contract with America. I found it this way. ha ha ha. hey, guys, just came by to see if I'm impeached yet. Hey, Bill. how are you, Newt? good to see you. Man, look at this city. I swear to God. it's not going to be the same without you, Newt.
Bob, will you give us just a second? Fine. it's only my office.
God, I can't wait until George Bush is present. he already was. Yeah, but now there's a new George Bush. George W. Bush.
And he's younger, better, faster. Whoo! Rock and Roll. What an ass. that's what you used to call me. you know, Newt, I have to admit that I'm going to miss your giant, hate-filled head. I appreciate that, Bill. yeah. we sure shook this town up, didn't we? Oh, hell yeah.
Remember when you wouldn't let us pass Health care reform? Yeah, or how we watered down the assault weapons ban.
Oh, yeah, that was good. or how I fought funding for school repairs. Oh, yeah, right. And now because of you, there are a lot of sick, illiterate kids with gunshot wounds. Yeah, there are.
Thanks, Bill. You know, boy, we sure played off each other well. we were like two peas in a pod. right. two peas that hate each other with a burning white passion. I don't know how I'm going to manage without you, Newt. Oh, don't worry, Bill. someday we'll meet again. someday. I'll never forget the night we met. I was making fun of minorities. how will I recall that magic fall when you achieved congressional seniority? we'll meet again someday, because our aid is here to stay. it just goes to show that age-old fact that when you get down to it, opposites attract. you hate poor people. I'm a hypocrite. But somehow this partnership worked. somehow this match was a fit, like Rogers and a stare. Like Mr. and Mrs. Von Buellow, our only bond was a burning white hair. it just proves that age-old fact that when you get down to it, opposites attract. you old son of a gun.
I hate you. Oh, no. I hate you.
Oh, you're so true. like a Pope in Farrakhan. like Kirk Cobain in Fayette. without you around, it ain't the same game. it just goes to show you. Oh, don't you know you. it just goes to show you. opposites attract. Damn, that was nice. you're the wrong to my right. you made it fun to fight. Live from New York, it's Saturday night. |
TheOnion | Disney_Unveils_New_Mass_Grave_Where_Fans_Can_Be_Buried_Alive_With_Favorite_Characters_Forever | Amazing news, Disney fans! Disney has unveiled a new mass grave where fans can be buried alive with their favorite characters forever. The experience allows customers of all ages to get thrown into a large, 200-acre pit where they'll suffocate alongside Mickey, Minnie, and all of their pals. Will tickets cost a pretty penny? Customers say you just can't put a price on dying in the dirt along Snow White and her seven dwarves. Mass grave slots are selling out quick, but don't worry, because Disney is hoping to expand the experience soon with even more characters, including Star Wars, Marvel, and Pixar versions, as well as an express lane to skip ahead to the afterlife even faster.
President Biden has given the nation the nuclear launch codes just in case anything ever happens to him. The president promised he wasn't going anywhere soon, but said whenever he did, U.S. citizens needed to be ready to oversee the country's 5,000-nuke defense arsenal. Biden also asked Americans to please write the codes down so they don't forget them, then announced the codes to one of the most devastating weapons as follows, 3X52-4980. Immediately after the press conference, the president asked that no one...
As an ally to the black community, I believe in doing the right thing. Always. As allies, it isn't enough to just be passively accepting. We have to stand up against racism in all its ugly forms. Which is why I, as an anti-racist ally, refuse to say absolutely any word that starts with the letter N. I'll admit it, growing up, I used to say words that start with N all the time. N-I-C-E, N-E-C-K, N-O.
But I was ignorant. I was racist. And I'm sorry. Today, I know better. I'm educated.
I know what it means to be a true anti-racist ally to the black community. And that means never... Refusing to ever say any word that starts with N. I believe anyone who claims to be an ally to black people, but then continues to use words that start with N, isn't a true ally at all. I mean, you might be asking, did a black person tell me to do this? Nuh-uh. Because the black community shouldn't have to tell us to stop saying words like N-A-K-E-D. That's on us. Maybe, like me, you were raised to think it was okay to say words that start with N. Well, it's time to unlearn that.
For instance, instead of saying, mmm, I'm hungry for N-A-C-H-O-S, try saying, mmm, I'm hungry for cheesy chips. It can be exhausting educating people, but it is such a small step that can make a huge difference. For example, once I was at a restaurant with a friend and she tried to order N-A-C-H-O-S, I interrupted her and I tried to tell her that they're called cheesy chips, but she got defensive and argumentative. She said that since Spanish is her first language, she should be allowed to say N-A-C-H-O. And so I said, well, maybe you should speak English. I think if a black person had been there, they would have shaken my hand and said, Thank you for calling them cheesy chips.
It isn't easy being an ally. You might even lose friends. But at the end of the day, I'm proud to say I always stand up for what I believe in. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_87_Paul_Kelly_and_his_guitar | Listeners, we all know it can be hard to find the time to sit down and learn more, so you might think you don't have time to read a book. Maybe you don't, maybe you just couldn't be fucked. I don't blame you.
That's where Blinkist comes in. Blinkist is the only app that takes the best key takeaways, the need to know information, from thousands of non-fiction books and condenses them down into just 15 minutes so you can read or listen.
I read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson the other day Clancy and now I'm sleeping in my car after telling the same thing to my landlord. So I highly recommend you check him out, there's obviously much better titles on there. Yeah, so I read The Making of Donald Trump and as of late I've made great friends with a lot of Russian diplomats. Yeah, it's almost like it's impossible for me to ever face any form of accountability. It was a great read and I was able to read it in a short 15 minute summary.
Now if you listen to our podcast you'd be familiar with the format. We interview a broad range of guests from around Australia and sometimes around the world. But this week we've been presented with an opportunity to interview a prolific Australian singer-songwriter and it was an opportunity so rare that we really had to film it. We couldn't turn this one down like we turned down Elton John because this week we're welcoming back to the show singer-songwriter and national treasure Paul Kelly. Except this time he's brought us a guitar and he's gonna sing a few songs for us throughout the interview. So sit back and enjoy the show. You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of The Patoota Advocate on Desert Rock FM.
Well thank you for joining us once again Paul and congratulations on your latest and greatest, greatest hits album. Thanks very much, thanks for having me guys.
Now when we heard you were gonna come in and sing a few songs for us today we kind of spent all week wondering what they could be and we couldn't think of our four favourite. So how do you as the man who makes those songs find the ones you want to put on a greatest hits album? That job's mainly was done by Liam at the record company and for that kind of record you just sort of pick the songs that are probably the most popular. So those are the kind of songs people yell at live gigs?
Yeah, mostly. But it was a pretty short conversation back and forth.
Paul, when you were coming up there were lots of different sort of music scenes that were happening in Australia at the time. You had the Ten Pound Poms in Adelaide and Perth getting into their rock music. You had the Surf Rockers down in Victoria. You had whatever the Go-Betweens were doing up in Brisbane. What time and what place when you were coming up had the greatest impact on the foundation of your music? I would say the early 80s and a lot of my influences were coming from my peers from bands like the Go-Betweens, the Triffids, the Saints, the Hooded Gurus. So can you tell us why a handsome, young, aspiring musician decided to launch his career in 1970s Hobart? How did that come about?
I travelled after I left school. I travelled quite a bit just going to different places. I travelled around Australia in different jobs and started playing guitar when I was 18 which is sort of later than probably a lot of people.
The first songs I learnt were early Bob Dylan songs and Hank Williams songs and folk songs so I would go to folk clubs. I was in Tasmania at the time in Hobart working in a foundry and Salamanca Place had a folk club and they had an open night Monday nights. I finally plucked up the courage to go down and sing a couple of songs. Reacher Forbes which is a song about Ben Hall and Girl From the North Country, Bob Dylan's song. So I played those two songs. How was the come down after you first did a gig?
I got very drunk. I was so nervous. I drank about a thousand beers and then my friend who was with me remembers helping me home and getting me into bed.
I don't remember but he does. You've certainly been around. You're from South Australia into Hobart, into Sydney.
Is that kind of where you got the inspiration for Every City is the Fucking Same? Every Fucking City is the Same.
That was more travelling overseas. One of the first places I played overseas was in Dublin and then we went back there a few times and there's a particular area of Dublin called Temple Bar which used to be more of what they would call old man's pubs and it was a bit more stiff. It just wasn't really trendy. And then there was a bit of a gap from going there and I came back and Temple Bar was full of hard rock cafe and there was all these more chains in there and it seemed to me that the character of the place was becoming more like anywhere else. So that song started from that observation of how there's certain parts of all western cities and certain neighbourhoods all the same everywhere you go. I guess these days it would be like you go to Northcote in Melbourne and you can find a suburb like that in every other city. So you know where to go to get your kale and your chocolate.
Poor old Redfern's copping that now I've heard. But the idea for the song was about how when you're miserable in love every place feels the same. Well we hope you're not sick of singing that song. No I'm not. I actually don't sing it that much so I had to have a little bit of a practice of it before I came in today so here's hoping I can get through it. Are we right? A bit closer to this, right? We argued on the channel train to Paris The Van Roosh helped us make it sweet again By the time that we got down to Lyon Everything I said was wrong And you cursed me in the rain We split up for a while in Barcelona We met up six days later in Madrid I was hoping that the break would make things go a little better for us And for a little while it almost did Now I'm in a bar in Copenhagen And I'm trying hard to forget your name And I'm staring at the label on a bottle of cerveza And every fucking city feels the same I called you when I got to London A French girl told me that she'd left a note I said to her, I like your accent And she thought I sounded funny So we ended up drinking in Soho Foolishly I followed you to Dublin Like a ghost I walk the streets of Temple Bar And all the bright young things were throwing up their Guinness in the gutters And once I thought I saw you from afar Now I'm in a nightclub in Helsinki And they're playing La Vida Loca once again And I can't believe I'm dancing to this crap, but I'm a chance here And every fucking city sounds the same At a cafe in the fort of Amsterdam An email from you said you'd gone to Rome For a minute I thought, hmm, but my money was running low And anyway, it sounded like you weren't alone So I headed north till I got to Hamburg A chilly city suits a troubled soul And on the Reaper bar I paid a woman far too much To kick me out before I'd even reach my goal Now I'm in a restaurant in Stockholm And the waiter here wants me to know his name And I can order sandwiches in seven different languages But every fucking city tastes the same A river, Duchy, Au Revoir, Auf Wiedersehn Hasta la vista, baby Every fucking city tastes the same Top tier. There's one little court fluff there, but we'll let that pass.
Do you find that this one kind of came out in the 90s after you'd kind of done your first big dash of albums? You did, what, six in as many years almost. Yeah, I did sort of five albums between 85 and 91, five, six maybe, yeah, you're right. Then it was a bit more spaced out in the 90s. Did you ever worry with that kind of workload? I mean, the news cycle was a lot slower back then, but did you ever kind of worry that you might kind of lose a few pearlers in the hype of the next album?
Or do those songs kind of shine through, the ones that the people love or they're always going to find that song? Oh, yeah, I mean, like whether they're putting out too much. Yeah, you kind of cannibalise a little bit, or? Yeah, I thought that, you know, sort of, I remember Bruce Springsteen said this thing about Van Morrison, he said, you know, Van Morrison just kept putting out great record after great record. But, you know, there were, it was, people sort of weren't noticing because they were just, it sort of became expected or something. Yeah, yeah. I'm wondering if Van Morrison's Astral Weeks is one of my favourite records, and then a record not long after that called, no, see, I've forgotten the name of it, Poetic Champions, but it's just as great a record. So I've just actually made my argument about it. He put out too many records.
But I think all songwriters, you know, you just, it's not really, I mean, you don't sort of think about that writing songs, you just write songs and then I generally, once a song's finished, I'll record it and then, you know, if it sounds okay, you put it out. And then I just, but what happens is that some songs have more stickability than others, either for the audience or for me. I mean, there's songs that I don't really sing anymore because I've sort of lost touch with them or they're not that good. And so, but what sort of stays is just the songs. I forget which, you know, I even don't remember which album certain songs come from. I just know that there's still always contenders for a setlist when I sit down to put a setlist together.
Do you remember the first time you heard one of your songs being played, you know, in public, in a cafe or a? Oh, vividly. I remember the first time we heard Before Too Long, the band and I were driving from Sydney to Melbourne in my first father-in-law's old Kingswood. And it came on the radio and it was the first time I actually heard the song coming at us. I mean, apart from being in the studio where you, you know, you play it and you listen to it, listen to it back and, and you sort of, you know, you get sick of it by the time you've finished recording it. That's the first time it actually, and then we sort of played it live. So you're hearing it while you're playing it live, but to actually hear the song coming at you and you've got, you don't have to do a thing, but the song is just playing at you. That was, yeah, I remember that very vividly.
We were, we just, just all jumped up in the air and managed to keep the car on the road and kept going. Did that impress the father-in-law?
Not when I left the, I left the car on, in Kings Cross at the, because I was living just near there and I left the car at the end of, anyway, it was a dark end of the street. No, it was one that got, you come up to the cross and that first one on the left. On Victoria Street. Past a chemist called Paul Kelly, there used to be a chemist there called Paul Kelly. But it was down the end of that street and then left there a couple of days.
And when I came back, it was up on, it had been stripped. It was on blocks. Yeah, it was on blocks. So that was the end of that car. Someone needed some ties. Yeah.
You've bounced between cities a lot over the career. Do you have like a hometown reception anywhere? Do you, is there any city that loves your music more than the rest? A bit like the hills upwards when they go to Adelaide. You know, they got that hometown kind of reception. Melbourne's like a hometown to me. I've been there so long and in every way it's a hometown because my kids are growing up there and they're still there and I've lived there so long. I've lived in the same house for 25 years and so, and also playing there. I think it's, we probably, you know, it's easy to sell tickets in Melbourne and other places. Now, not just you, but the whole kind of extended family have moved around Australia a lot. They're all living in different parts and we'll just take a quick moment to shout out Danny Shan and Longrich.
He's a, you go to travel agent in Western Queensland. G'day Danny. I hope those airlines aren't gouging out the arse. Yeah, just quick shout out. If you need any flights to anywhere, you need a flight to Townsville, Brisbane.
He's your man. Danny Shan's the man.
Is that, do you reckon that's in the family, the travelling or the moving around? Or are you more homebodies? Oh, I don't know.
It's hard to generalise about the family because there's quite a lot of us when you add up all the cousins and stuff. There's quite a few teachers in the family. There's a trend amongst the families that there's quite a few teachers.
Well, there's a lot of protagonists in your songs. They're either travelling to somewhere or travelling from somewhere, you know, especially one that was a part of one of your more successful songs, He Got Married Early. Are these people based on anyone or are they based on you or people you know or? Yeah. No, they're made up but they're not, my songs are fiction and that's the way I've always felt about them. But there's often little details in there that come from, you know, like with the last one I sang that was, you know, that was sort of, I did wander through Temple Bar seeing people throwing up their Guinness in the gutters, so that all comes in.
But the actual story itself, the buttery in Tuodor is a real place but I've never been there but I've known people who have been there. So, it's just a land, northern rivers up there. Yeah, it's kind of, there's something for everyone, you know, and I'm not sure in Tuodor when you're surrounded by the cane fields, did you have any, did you have any where in your mind? Was that up in North Queensland or was that North New South Wales when you just? It was Northern New South Wales, I guess, because that's where the buttery is, yeah. That, the cane fields are sort of pretty strongly printed on me because when my mother and some of the younger kids moved up to Queensland in the late 70s, they lived at almost, just a bit south of Beenleigh, halfway between Brisbane and the Gold Coast and that was, all the back roads there were all like full of cane fields, so that was great, it was great to sort of drive around, walk around there.
The cane fields have a kind of special kind of atmosphere and presence, slightly menacing when the storm's coming out of the water. Even when they're on fire too, that's pretty menacing. Yeah, yeah.
And it's similar wherever you are on the coast, you know, there's a lot of Italians, a lot of, you know, North Queensland's a bit the same and I'm not sure where it was, was it in a film you did where you had the opera in the cane fields? Yeah, that's based on my grandparents who were both opera singers and they started a, my grandfather was Italian, she was Irish Australian and they started the Othello Australian Opera Company in the 20s and this is, you know, before government subsidies for opera, so they were just a kind of a shoestring operation. They had a piano player, a couple of singers, a tenor, a baritone and a soprano and they had, sometimes they would have a chorus of volunteers. They wouldn't do full operas but they would do like a recital, like, so excerpts from various Italian operas, various arias, so from Verdi and Percini and they toured Queens, up the Queensland coast and to all those towns and to the cane towns, Ingham, they went west out to, Innisfail they also played, they went west out to Longreach on the train. Well you can certainly hear the influence of the opera in your songs but not, you know, in terms of like, you know, hitting the high notes, hitting the low notes, it's more or less kind of like a rock opera but for the folk music where you've got these characters and they travel and they go through these tribulations.
Is that a fair assessment? Oh yeah, my songs are storytelling quite a lot of the time. I don't know if I took my story, I took my stories from opera story lines, they wouldn't make, I mean, I don't, I can't think of an opera line, a story line that makes any sense, they're kind of ridiculous. You're not as accessible as to her door. But yeah, I think for the storytelling, a lot of that, it's just, that's sort of my natural, what I'm drawn to, I'm drawn to cinematic songwriters, I love songwriters like Lou Reed, you know, you can see his story, you can see his, you know, songs are set in particular places and you can see them, Ray Davies, you know, Waterloo Sunset and the images are really, really visual. Chuck Berry's another one. So the songwriters that told stories like that where you can almost see and taste and smell the songs, I'm drawn to that.
Well, one of the first kind of stories and protagonists Australia was introduced to, you know, on the charts through your music was The Bloke That Got Married Early. The Bloke That Got Married Early.
Can you give us a little rendition of that one? Yeah, I'd say. Very excited about this. Drink of water.
And yeah, Tu Ador was also influenced by American short story writer, Raymond Carver, who I was reading a lot at the time. And what I liked about his stories was that they told a lot with very few words and they sort of ended, there was always a lot happening around the edges of the story, there was the characters and their situations, but you're never quite new to other things, bearing down on the story that weren't in the story. And the stories often ended on an unresolved note.
We didn't know what was going to happen next or the stories might end as something's just about to happen. So that's so what happens in this song? It doesn't it's the end of the song is really the start of you don't know what's going to happen next, but it's the start of something.
They got married early, never had no money. Then when he got laid off, they really hit the skids. Started up his drinking. Then they started fighting. He took it pretty badly. Well, she took both the kids.
She said, I'm not standing by to watch you slowly die. So watch me walking at the door, at the door, at the door. She said, shove it, Jack, I'm walking at your fucking door.
She went to her brothers, got a little bar word. He went to the buttery, stayed about a year. Then he wrote a letter, he said, I want to see you. She thought he sounded better. So she sent in the money for the fair.
He was riding through the cane in the pouring rain on macapities to her door. To her door, to her door, to her door, to her door. He came in on a Sunday, every muscle aching, walking in slow motion, like he'd just been hit.
Did they have a future? Wouldn't know his children. Could he make a picture?
And get them all to fit.
He was shaking in his seat, riding through the streets in a silver top. To her, shaking in his seat, riding through the streets in a silver top taxi cab.
To her door, to her door, to her door, to her door, to her door. Forever loving door.
Well, you guys pick all the songs with all the bad language in it. What's going on here? This is the moment to just process what happened to us then. Never thought I'd see that song sung so close to me. I think so. Like you'd fall in my hood around playing campfires.
Is it true that that song took about seven years to write? Yeah, I wasn't working on it the whole time though. Yeah, the music was a long time before I had the words.
I actually wrote it on piano and I'd recorded it. I was living in a flat in Punt Road in Melbourne. And just recorded it on cassette, which is what I used to do. And along with a whole lot of other musical ideas, and I had piles and piles of cassettes that were just sort of me moaning and gibbering over chord changes. And then some of them I ended up putting words to. But I was just going through some old cassettes one day and found that tune and ended up putting the words to it. That sort of, I had an offer to go and play at a poetry night in Sydney. At the old Tivoli. And I thought, I'd better write something for the poets. So I wrote that.
Yeah, but that song has a lot of themes in it that kind of, we don't really hear enough of in kind of Australian music stuff. It's kind of a lot more prevalent in society than it is in music. Does that quite... Yeah, I don't know if I agree. I think you probably maybe find that more in hip-hop. I think they're out there, but they're maybe not on commercial radio so much. That song got a lot of commercial airplay. I think it might be... If I had released that song today, it might be a lot harder to get it on some of the radio formats, which are probably a lot more conservative. Yeah, did you find people came up and tell you that that's them or that's their cousin or that's their sibling when they hear that? Yeah, with a lot of the songs. Yeah, people say, oh, that's my story.
How did you know that? Do you know about the buttery?
Now, Paul, the last song we spoke to you, you just released your last album, Nature. And there's a track from that on this Greatest Hits album. When you come up with a new album, do you ever wonder, oh, this song's going to end up on the Greatest Hits album?
Sometimes you don't know whether songs are hit for many, many years. I mean, How to Make Gravy wasn't a hit when it came out. From Little Things, Big Things Grow. They're slow burners, so you don't know.
But we just picked, again, it's hard to pick from an album that came out last year for a collection that's out this year. You just picked the three strongest tracks. And the songs that were in a way were singles in the sense that we did a film clip. The one I'm going to play, A Bastard Like Me. We did a film clip for it, and it's a really strong live song. So it had a good chance to get on the collection. Do you ever feel in the studio that, regardless of the Greatest Hits compilation, you feel this is going to be the song of this album?
This is going to be the one that kind of leads? Or do you get surprised by which one pops off? A bit of both. Sometimes you think, oh, yeah, this would be pretty popular. I had that feeling with Firewood and Candles, but other times I'm completely wrong. Some surprise you, the ones that are popular and the ones that aren't. Do you know which one surprised you the most?
Yeah. Was it Gravy? I think that one really, yeah, because that doesn't have any, as far as if there are rules for songwriting, it doesn't follow many of the rules. And it's sort of because it's half talk, half song. To me, I never thought it'd be a sing-along song. But we play it and people sing along. It's hilarious.
And it gets canned at Christmas time around every household around the country. We've done a few stories on the Tudor Advocate. There was a siege in a local Brisbane household when Dad refused to take it off rotation.
I know, I read that story. Yeah. Now, Bastard Like Me, sorry again, a third song was swearing, even in the title. We worked together with your label on this one.
Now it's a tribute to the late Aboriginal leader and activist Charlie Perkins.
When did he first kind of catch your attention? Because you would have been on the Echidja and the Freedom Rides and that kind of stuff. His early kind of civil rights work. Yeah, I didn't notice it at the time, 1965. But probably in the 80s, I would have started hearing about him and reading about him.
And then later on, I met Rachel Perkins and worked with her. And then this is about, I think about six years ago now, Rachel was doing a project, Rachel Perkins was doing a project.
About the bungalow, which was the institution in Alice Springs for young Aboriginal kids that were taken away from their parents, you know, the ones they called half cast. And Charlie was one of those kids who was put into the bungalow. And she was doing a theatrical project for the bungalow and sent me, said, we'd like to write something for it.
And that got me thinking about Charlie again. And I reread his autobiography again then. And it was just, and it's called a bastard like me.
And it's like, you know, you're a songwriter and you get a title like that coming along. You think that's got to be a song. We'll start from there. So I wrote the song, you know, based on the book very generally. And then they used it in the show, but I wasn't, I couldn't be at the show. And then it sort of just lay out. So the song was written and just still hadn't been released except for that live on stage.
And then we took it to the band, you know, a couple of years ago. And so the band sort of, you know, really jumped on it. And it turned out really well, the recording with the band. So that's why it ended up on the last record. And then again, on the greatest hits as well.
It's included, but you don't have the band here, but we would love to hear the, is it a harmonica job? No, I can just do this one without harmonica.
It's good. Oh, the other thing, you know, and like I said, we did a clip for that song, which was, which Rachel helped me with. And we had a lot, you know, got lots of archival footage. So I really love the clip for this song. It's one of my favourites. My favourite clips generally are the ones where I don't have to be in it. I like Bradman with everything too. Just tell the story through the character.
Hills to the sea, much too many died, but I had survived. So lucky a bastard like me. I have survived the hell of a ride. Nobody knows a bastard like me.
Call me a stray or a dog every day. Call me a mongrel high-free. Mongrels are strong, so if you take me on, watch out for a bastard like me. You better watch out for a bastard like me. I fought all the way and I fight every day. We're trying to stop a bastard like me. My licks, I've taken my kicks. I am a man of degree. I wear the scars, playing them so hard every day in the lucky country. Ooh, every day in the lucky country. I've taken my licks and I've kicked against the pricks. I'll try and stop a bastard like me.
Have you had the chance to play that live much? Yeah, we've been playing it ever since it came out. This is only a year. We've actually done a lot of gigs this year, but it's in the set. It's going to be in the set for the gravy shows and other shows we've got coming up. The band really likes playing that one. They'll give me a hard time if I didn't put it on the set list. You've written quite a number of songs about Aboriginal issues and rights.
How do you approach that? Do you come across something that needs some airtime? That needs a voice in the mainstream? Will they just come out of here? It's probably more...
It usually comes from something like a bastard like me. What a great title. I've got to write a song about it. Or from Little Things, Big Things Grow, that came from seeing the famous picture by Mervyn Bishop of Goughfoot and pouring dirt into the hands of Vincent Lingari when they handed back the lands to the Gurindji people. The songs for me start from the bottom up, not the top down. I've got to write a song about land rights.
No, they come out of the story of it, often the visual detail. How do people respond when you run into them and you've written a song about them? That one was obviously the late Charlie Perkins, but you've written about people who are still... There's a chance of running into them.
Yeah, one of my great friendships is with Yami Lester, who died not that long ago. But I met him after writing a song about Maralinga because he was involved in giving evidence at the Royal Commission in the mid-1980s into the atomic bomb tests at Maralinga. So I wrote the song, it came out, and then we went to plant Alice Springs and some people who knew Yami and knew me said, come on, you want to meet him? I said, yeah. So we met in a Chinese restaurant. And we sort of stayed friends ever since.
And he often mainly lived out bush down near a place called Malabar. But he'd often be in Alice Springs and he'd come to town and we'd play.
And then we'd all say, are you going to play that song? Play some song?
Yes, sir. Yeah, it was one of those great people that when you walked into the room he had this beautiful big smile and he just felt happier than you were before when you saw him.
I always used to say, shall we have a cool drink? You know, cool drink. I mean, let's have a beer. Shall we have a cool drink?
Did you ever get the chance to, have you ever had the chance to play from little things, big things grow to the Gurindji mob like out there? Yeah, Kevin and I were up there for the 45th anniversary, I think a few years back and met various members of the family. So over the years I've met quite a few people. People keep coming up all the time and say, yeah, that's my mob. Have you ever had a chance to meet a person who's written a song about you?
I can't think of anything right off the bat. We know Matt Mason from the DMA's has a Paul Kelly tattoo.
On his head. Oh really? On his head.
And does he always? Among others. He's got a few others as well and he always gets his head shaved.
Maybe there's a DMA's Paul Kelly collaboration in the near future. We've introduced that information to you. Yeah, we can knock heads together. Well, you've just released a new one, a new collaboration with Casey. Have you worked with Casey Chambers before?
Yeah, quite a lot. When she first was doing touring she supported us for a while. That didn't last long and she got really big. And transitioned from opening that.
But around that time we first worked together just touring we, she had written a song called I Still Pray and suggested we do a duet. So we recorded the song on that tour. And so that was the first time we actually recorded together. And then we crossed paths a lot over the years in the States and Australia and played together. And I produced her last record, well not her last record, the one before the Campfire one, Fireflies, which is a double album. So I did one of those, she did one of those records in Melbourne with a band that I organised and she did the other record, the other disc with her usual crew up on the Central Coast.
But working with her on that record was just a joy, she's just on fire. Brings a good energy, doesn't she? Yeah, and also she just had to hit this vein of, for me, the vein of songwriting that she was in. I think she's still in, you know, she's sort of taken her, you know, she's sort of seen as a country singer but she's pushing it more to like, I would call it country soul. Ain't No Little Girls, like classic country soul song. And there was songs like that on that record. And yeah, she said there's no sort of warm up takes you know, and we recorded live, we just set the band up and just had to make sure the band knows, you know, just be on your game because when she starts singing that might be the take. And everyone sort of, you know, lifts, lifts. So that's what she's great to work with. And I wrote this song, it's the most, you know, the most recent song and when we were both old and mad, I wrote it as a poem first and then put it to music and then thought, this would be a great, great duet. And so I thought of Casey, thought she had the right kind of, I mean, it's a bitty, it's a kooky kind of song and she's got, she's got the right amount of kook. Yeah, she spent enough time in Covid Cabana.
So I Take It, this song was recorded on the first take? I think it was. I think we'd, we'd, she came to, she came down to Melbourne especially to record it and we'd, I'd had the band in the morning and so we were sort of just getting it up and we worked out the key and then Ben and I got, got it up and running and sort of had it sitting pretty, pretty nicely. So then we just played it and we both sang it. I think it was about two or three takes. It was pretty quick.
It's always pretty quick, quick, quick with Casey. Yeah. It's easy when you know how, isn't it? We might have picked a bit between the takes, but. Well, of the songs you're going to sing for us today, this is the only one I haven't heard, so I'm excited to hear this one. Okay, so. Does it still have swearing in it? Is that, we're going to keep up on trend? No, there's no swearing in this one. This is family-friendly song. I think. So just to set it up, Casey sings his second verse and then he gets to some ooze in the middle, which we sing together and then the last verse, Casey and I sing together. It's pretty short and sweet.
It's called When We're Both Old and Mad. We're both old and mad.
We won't care much what we say. We'll be younger every day. We'll laugh when we should be sad.
Ride our bikes down to the bay. Going home, we'll lose our way.
When we're both old and mad. When we're both mad and old.
We'll live in a house chock full of books. We'll lose each other for days in nooks. Then find each other to hold. We'll find each other to hold.
Feed a few too many pets. We'll forget we once had regrets.
When we're both mad and old. La la la la la la la la. When we're both old and mad.
We'll wear our jumpers inside out. We'll think we whisper though we shout. We'll weep when we're feeling glad.
Ride our bikes down to the sea. Swim like dolphins.
You and me. When we're both old and mad.
That was an exclusive. The first performance live on video. That's right. On stage yeah? Yeah. You played that on stage? We haven't played it yet. We'll play it when it's going to be in the setlist for the show. Looking forward to that. Yeah.
It always amazes us how many songs you have in your head that you can just remember to play on the spot. You don't forget any? The ones I play you know I have to, there's a lot I probably would have I reckon I probably at least have 150 that I could remember straight away now. I started doing the A to Z shows you know a few years back and well I started them and I started doing them in 2005 I think and then I've done them every now and then you know and that was sort of put a lot of songs because before that I'd sort of had a lot of the old songs I'd sort of forgotten because I wasn't playing that often but sort of doing shows like that where you sort of play you know 100 songs or more over five nights, over four nights sort of cemented that you know. So I did a lot of those shows with my nephew Dan and also when Dan and I tour as a duo quite a lot especially overseas so we get you know he knows he knows those songs but some of the old songs better than I do so he's always reminding me and says let's do that song and so I'll relearn it and learn it and after a while you know there's you do it often enough they just stick in your head until dementia kicks in. Yeah well you've what have you got on now you've got the gravy shows this year and that that's the next kind of tour is that and the book tour as well. The book smaller tour with the book in smaller theaters and I'm doing those shows I'm just performing poems that I put to music and maybe reciting reciting some of the poems from the book it's an anthology of my favorite poems and I'll be doing that those shows with Alice Keith who's performed with me before she was sang on the sonnets record and she's sang on the trees which is a Philip Larkin poem that I've put to music which was on the last record so we've been working together on and off over the last four or five years she's also on the bird and 30 makes a look at birds which is a record that came out early this year so it's just Alice and I doing those shows and talking a bit about the book and the poems then we roll into the gravy shows with Courtney Barnett and Kate Miller-Heidke and Marlon Williams and Thelma Plum in Sydney and then January Cold Chisel and what else a little tribute night to Joy McKean and Tamworth mid-January which is going to be great a whole lot of different people singing Joy McKean songs you know a lot of them that's slim made famous yeah it never ends does it Paul? he's not showing any signs of slowing down and I dare say there'll be another album pops up somewhere down the track too I don't know he's just he's working hard that's three, four, two we should just outline the next one well they're not those gravish there's only four gravy shows and there's only four shows with Chisel so it's not like you know bang bang five shows a week for seven weeks or something so it's pretty cruising well we're glad to see you keeping busy and thanks for joining us today Paul and good luck in the next few months thank you it sounds like you guys are pretty busy too yeah we might clash paths in different cities on the book tour we'll be doing a few little intimate shows too and so we'll give you a yell when we're in Melbourne all right thank you and good luck with it let's go get a cruel drink cheers thanks for that cheers thanks thank you |
SaturdayNightLive | gumby_gumby_and_pokey_reunite_snl | Gumby, Pokey, on stage, Please.
There he is. he's late again, right? He's late again, right? Where is he, damn it?
He's gonna be here. just a few minutes. He'll be here.
Why am I here?
Look, Gumby. millions of people, they're gonna turn on their sets tomorrow night because they wanna see Gumby and Pokey back together again. the great team reunited. Look, I swore I would never work with that lame plug-nag again. Look, face it, Gumby. you're having trouble getting play-doh commercials. you need this. Let me tell you something, Mr. Smarty Alec. I don't need anybody. I don't need the money. from my residuals, from my old show, I can buy this network. I'm a very rich piece of Gumby. a very rich piece of Gumby. you haven't started yet, Gumby.
How are we supposed to start, huh? Well, I got chest pains. I was at the doctor. I feel terrible. there's no way we can start unless the second banana is here, right?
Gumby, Gumby, Gumby. the shame, warm, caring, loving, gentle soul. All right, all right, all right. enough with the snow job. this is money, all right? Cut the compliments. how's the wife, Gumby? the kid's okay, huh? My wife is a cow, all right? my children are a financial burden to me. Now, how are you? Oh, not so hot. Oh, I got gash. terrible gash. back pains, heart murmur, swollen prostate, colitis, Gumby, I'm a dying man, I swear to God.
Let me tell you something, Pokey. you. you. Ooh, you're rotten, Pokey. you died 20 years ago on this stage at Caesar's Palace. Oh. okay, fellas, can we start with the Dude Ranch routine? All right? while you're standing, you know you're on this side when we do this. moving, I'm moving.
Don't yell. I hate when you yell at me. I know you hate when I yell. that's why I do it, you swine.
Here we go. All right, it goes like this.: how'd you go, guys? All right. let's get going, Pokey. Black Bart's coming back to town. you know what we have to do. could you speak up? God, my hearing's going, too. I said, you know what we have to do, don't you? what the hell is the matter with you? Oh, God, yell like this. the line is, I know what we have to do. don't you? And you say, yikes, head for the Hills, Gombe. yikes, head for the hills. that's right. that's right. it's a classic gag. let's go. let's do it. Okay, okay. you know what we have to do, don't you? Yikes, head for the. come on, come on. hey, hey, hey. this is a comedy team. hey, hey, hey, hey. this is Not a funeral. Hey, Gombe, I got my own sense of timing, you know that? Yeah, timing, it's time for you to go to the glue Factory, Boss. Now, let's try it again. Pokey, you know what we have to do, don't you?
Oh, this gash is terrible. they can't see me laughing behind this thing, can they? No. Jesus, something crawl up you and die. I can't control them.
Hey, hey, if you don't want to work with me, Gombe. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait a minute now, smart Aliki. you are not working with me. you are working for me, All right? Okay? Now, before this, you are nowhere. I got into a handsome cab last week. who's pulling it? who's pulling that cab? You, mr. no work, mr. washed up, and you didn't smell like a bucket of roses that night either, baby. get me smelling shorts. I'm dizzy, Gombe. you're very dizzy. you've been dizzy 20 years. for 20 years, back in the old days, I remember I used to chase the girls, the chorus girls, and get hoof and mouth disease, huh? So there you got your big chance to work with a big style like me, and what are you doing? auditioning to be a can of dog food.
I can't stand the strain. This is the end. Yes, the end of your career, Horse. I can't take it, Gombe.
Okay, fellas, can you move on to the big song and dance routine? she's in working now. we'll go into the finale. punch in the Mouth. the Big Friends Forever finale. Well, nothing too strenuous. Lord knows I could drop any second over here. Okay, boys. hello, Fellas. it's a pleasure to meet both of you. Are we ready? this is Freddie Lafont, the choreographer. how do you do? Okay, watch me. let's begin. Ready for a little break-dancing thing? we go one and two and three and a little round and round and round and a little chateau, Chateau, Chateau, Chateau, chateau. All right, you can do that, can't you, Gombe? get out of here, funny boy. I don't want no fluff, but take a walk. Oh, I love him. and I love him. Hey, that was sensational.
Look, if I can't see you guys before the show, break a leg, huh? you're very cheerful. don't you smell this? Geez. what have you been eating? Break a leg. I want you to break your leg so I can shoot you later. Hey, hey, don't poke me, my ribs. shut up, what is that? All right. |
dropout | workshopping_your_insane_writing_the_schining_pt_4 | Oh shit traps computer oh It's fine. Whoa check it out. It's the sketch traps been working on since we got here All work and no play makes trap a dull boy So What do you think I'm being asked a little long most sketches are like three pages 5 max and this is them like 600 so Do you think I should trim it a little I would trim some personally, okay? Any suggestions where yeah In the middle that kind of drags Oh page 237 where you say all work and no play makes trap a dull boy.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's too long Whoo, okay, um All right, so just like cut that whole part. Just cut it. I think so kill your darlings You know, I really like that part like I think that makes the sketch Yeah, I don't know like no one else is feeling it.
Okay. Okay cool. I actually have a positive comment I Loved when you wrote the lull boy.
That's funny. That's really funny.
Oh, that must be a typo I meant to say dull boy for sure. Oh, you should keep the low boy Yeah, my biggest problem is that it just doesn't feel like it really heightens at all Okay, what do you mean? It's a little bit repetitive, you know, it's kind of you're saying the same thing over and over It's like a little repetitive like you say one thing and then you say it like again like the same It's restating. I found it redundant.
Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. What was the inspiration for this sketch? I was just thinking like I feel like lately I've been like all work Just working all the time and there's been like no time for play and I don't know if you guys feel this way But I think that that makes me a dull boy. See now that I get try to get back to that You know, that's a really relatable idea. Yeah, like I was confused here on page 400 You have a line that says all work and no play makes trap a dull boy. Where is this? It's like halfway down the page. Okay. Yeah, I think I remember what you're talking about Yeah, don't you also use that same exact line on page 10? That's supposed to be a callback joke Okay, yeah, I didn't get that at all the way that you have it in here it kind of reads like a mistake So maybe maybe repeat it again, and then it'll feel like it was on purpose I think we have a savvier audience and people are I disagree I think we need to spell it out for them. So like another all work. No play line you think maybe Oh joke pitch What if you said all work and no play makes crap a dull boy?
That's very interesting I'll play with that okay, whatever it's dumb you don't have to use it well No, but I'm glad you gave it. I just like, you know, I may not use it, but I think it's good. It's a good idea What's up?
I hate to say this but Doesn't this remind people of a key and peel sketch? Oh No, wait what sketch what sketch are we talking about this one where it's Jordan and he's he's like a businessman He's like all work and he has her plane. Yeah, it's a mix.
I don't know It's called dull boy. I don't think I saw that one.
I'll send it to you and you can compare It's really funny. You should watch it. Anyway, do you think that they're too similar? I think you have a different take But they're kind of coming from the same thing. So you should just watch it Okay shit.
Well, thanks for the notes guys. I mean these are all super helpful. Who wants to go next next doing one Sketch share a sketch that you've written Nobody Anything Sketches Never fear Sam is here to save the day You know what? I just realized I should probably back end Yeah, I'm just going to back up hand then I will save everybody from the murders so long as I can Re-distribute And if I pull As is great almost ready to save from a murder Shit hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor click here to subscribe click here for more fun things and send help to keep me From sinking, please please help |
dropout | derrick_funny | Oh my god, that is so funny, I can't believe you said that. That just came out of my mouth, I don't know. No, I'm dead serious, that is like the most hilarious thing ever. You are a comedic genius. I don't know about that.
Now I'm Todd, come here, come here Todd. Hey, tell him the thing you said to Mr. McDougall in the hallway. It's so funny, come on, tell Todd. It's pretty funny, it's pretty funny. All right, so I see Mr. McDougall in the hallway, right? And I'm ditching class, you know how I do.
And he's like, hey, I need to see a hall pass. And I was like, oh no, I was just going to the nurse to get my ears checked. And he's like, I still need to see a hall pass.
And I was like, what's that? You think I can run fast? And then I just run? Todd, mind if I talk to Charlie over there for a second? OK, hey, what the hell happened out there? I told him the story. No, yeah, but were you committed like 100%? I thought so.
No, no, the answer is no. Of course it's no, because we have to do it again, all right, with the funny walk and everything. There's a funny walk? Yes, of course there's a funny walk.
Get your head right, all right? OK. Don't embarrass me out there, OK? Hey, Todd, we're going to do that one again, OK? The right way. OK, so I'm walking down the hallway.
Charlie, a word? You think this is a game, huh? You're making me look like a chump.
I don't think it's funny anymore. Oh, it's funny. It's the funniest thing I've ever heard, all right?
OK. So we're going to do it again, OK, with the funny walk and everything, all right? OK, hey, we're going to do it one more time.
He is so sorry. We're going to do it differently. OK, so this really funny thing happened today with Mr. McDougall. OK, you know what? I'm going to be Mr. McDougall. Excuse me, young man. Oh, what happened to your ears? Mr. McDougall didn't say that. Shut the fuck up. I'm saving my own ass. I'm sorry, OK?
It's just not funny anymore, and I don't know why. Guys, let's just ask Curtis, because he's the funniest kid in school. What's up, fart knockers? Charlie, heard you had a funny story to tell.
Yeah, not really, OK? It's stupid. Yeah, it is stupid, like your mom.
I'm the funniest kid in the sixth grade. Yeah, whatever. Oh, sounds like a challenge. You wouldn't be interested in a battle of funny, would you? No, I'm good.
I'll go first. What's that? Mersonic. Your turn. How does that prove that you're funnier than me? Dude, you're going to die. Guess so. See you chumps later. So funny. Ooh. First. What's that, Mersonic? Ah, your turn. How does that prove that you're funnier than me? Oh, sounds like your chicken. Dude, you're going to die. Guess so.
I'm going to die.
Guess so. See you chumps later. So funny. Ooh. |
SaturdayNightLive | short_ass_movies_snl | These days, when I sit down to watch a movie, I can find just about anything in the world. But night after night, there's only one kind of movie I'm always looking for.
And that's a short-ass movie, a really short movie, like at most an hour 40, Give me that short-ass movie. A short-ass movie, A really short movie, Cause you know, I ain't gonna sit here and watch no long-ass movie. found a flick about to pick it, but right before I click it, I look down right below the line and that's when I see the runtime. 3 hours, 27 minutes, bro, you must be crazy, no fakes, I'ma watch a short-ass movie like Driving Miss Daisy. I'm not pushin' p, unless it's under 2 hours, like Lion King or Batman, R. R. B. Austin Powers. I heard the Batman was great, so I went to a theater and saw it. I pissed my pants twice, that **** was longer than the Hobbit, Give me that short-ass movie, a 90-minute movie, like Liar, Liar, Evil, Dead from Drunk, Low Eraserhead. a short-ass movie, a really short movie, cause I'm a simple man with no attention span. Give me that short-ass movie like Bambi, gotta be tiny, but good. like shrimp scampi.
And when it's movie night, you won't be gettin' any Yeses,: if you roll up to the crib with one of them double Vhs's. Why this movie look like a book? bye-bye. that run the time on $100. If my ass stuck on the couch for more than 2 hours, it caused me discomfort. we tried to watch the movie Heat, when we was hangin' at my house for barely 20 minutes in, my boys were drooling on the couch. the only one not sleeping is the weird guy who picked the movie.
I stand by my choice.
Give me that short-ass movie, a really short movie, like Encino Man, Yes please, or Good Time by the Safdies. a short-ass movie, a really short movie, If it's long, my eyes get glassy. now tell em'' how it is. they're nasty. yo, it's ya boy. durr. If you like short movies, I got 9 great ones just waitin' for ya. there's Ernest goes to camp, and Ernest saves Christmas. And Ernest goes to jail, And Ernest scared stupid. there's Ernest goes to school that's only 89 minutes, and Slam Dunk Ernest. that one's got Kareem in it. there's Ernest in the army, made me wanna join the service, and Ernest goes to Africa. that poster makes me nervous. But the greatest thing of all, a true thing of beauty is the three minute short before every Pixar movie. he was so sure, so sad. yo, so think about this.
Sax in the City 2 was 2 hours and 26 minutes long. to put that in perspective, the movie Jurassic Park was 2 hours and 7 minutes long. that was a movie that told the history of dinosaurs, how Dna works, and explained the science of bringing dinosaurs back to life. And Sax in the City 2, you know, which was a movie about 4 women we already knew, was 20 minutes longer.
I'm not saying that's bad or anything, I'm just saying that's crazy.
How long was the King's Staten Island?
It was like 2 hours and 17 minutes, but we needed all those movies. Give me a short-ass movie, a really short movie, Give me a short-ass movie, a really short movie every night. I'm not pushing p, unless it's under 2 hours. like Lion King or Batman, R. R. B. Ashton Powers.
I heard that Batman was great, so I went to a theater and saw it.
I pissed my pants twice, that **** was longer than the Hobbit.
And when it's movie night, you won't be getting any yeses. if you roll up to the crib with one of them double Vhs's. why does this movie look like a book? Bye-bye. I watched for more than 2 hours, It caused me discomfort. we tried to watch the movie Heat, when we was hanging at my house, but barely 20 minutes in. my boys were drooling on the couch. the only one not sleeping is the weird guy who picked the movie.
I stand by my choice.
Give me that short-ass movie, a really short movie, like Encino Man, Yes please, or Good Time by the Safdies. a short-ass movie, a really short movie, If it's long, my eyes get glassy. tell them how it is, dirt-asty.
Yo, it's your boy, Dirt.
If you like short movies, I got 9 great ones just waiting for ya. there's Ernest goes to camp, and Ernest saves Christmas. and Ernest goes to jail, and Ernest scared stupid. there's Ernest goes to school, that's only 89 minutes. And slam dunk, Ernest. that one's got Kareem in it. there's Ernest in the army, made me wanna join the service. and Ernest goes to Africa. that poster makes me nervous.
He was so sure, so sad.
Yo, so think about this.
Sex and the City 2 was 2 hours and 26 minutes long. to put that in perspective, the movie Jurassic Park was 2 hours and 7 minutes long. that was a movie that told the history of dinosaurs, how Dna works, and explained the science of bringing dinosaurs back to life. And Sex and the City 2, you know, which was a movie about 4 women we already knew, was 20 minutes longer.
I'm not saying that's bad or anything.
I'm just saying that's crazy. how long was the King's Staten Island? it was like 2 hours and 17 minutes. we needed all those movies. Give me a short-ass movie, a really short movie, Give me a short-ass movie, a really short movie every night. |
TheOnion | Courageous_Man_Refuses_To_Believe_He_Has_Cancer | Boy, do we have an inspirational story for you. Yeah, be prepared to be motivated because we're going to meet Peter Hedgemont.
Now when he was only 31 years old, so young, doctors had told him that they discovered a cancerous tumor on his liver. Now for most people that would be just devastating news looking forward to the years of painful surgeries and treatments, but not Peter. No, Peter stood up to the doctors and he said no. He refused to accept that he had cancer. Now Peter and his wife Rhonda are here this morning to share with us how he bravely overcame his cancer diagnosis.
Welcome to the both of you. It's nice to be here. Good to see you, Peter.
Now when most people are diagnosed with cancer, they just give up. But you, you decided to fight. Six different doctors told me I had cancer, but I didn't listen to any of them. How did you find that courage to ignore them?
I made this promise to myself to never, ever look at those x-rays and well, I never did, Jim. I never will ever.
That's an amazing resolve you have because they try to shove them right in front of your face, those doctors. That's right, that's right. Here, take a look. If I'd listen to those doctors, I'd probably be in a hospital bed right now. Instead, I'm here with you guys. That takes so much courage. Wow, because those hospitals, boy, they can be negative places. Oh yeah. You go there to get sick. That's right. It's such a heroic thing you're doing, Peter. Yes.
No, I'm not a hero. The men and women who actually have cancer, they're the real hero. Peter, I think you're a hero.
I don't see any expiration date written on here. And he's kept his sense of humor too. It's incredible. So Peter, from what I understand, you've just completely lived your life after the diagnosis as you did before. No changes in anything, not even your diet. No, I didn't take even a single vitamin, not even medicine, because, you know, medicine is what sick people take.
Exactly. Rhonda, he must be such an inspiration to you. Yes. Right. I understand you've been going to hospitals with him to visit other cancer patients. Yes, yes.
Well, Peter talks to all the patients. He talks to anyone who's diagnosed with cancer. He just says to them, you don't have to listen to what the doctors tell you.
Just look at me. That must be such an inspiring story for them to hear. Yes. Wow.
Peter, what kind of... Peter. Peter? Peter.
Well, that's all the time we have for this segment. Now, Peter, Rhonda, thank you very much for coming in. We're going to take a little break right now. That's right. Coming up, we're going to be ignoring Iraq some more. Stay tuned for that. |
dropout | Do_We_Really_Need_Baby_Boomers | We are getting reports of infection now on every continent. The EU has frozen borders and more deaths are expected to- Turn that off.
You think I've got something. Thank God. Take a look at that protein structure. From what I can see, the virus will be lethal in all cases, but it will only affect...
Baby boomers. Oh. Huh. Well that's- Yeah. So you're saying this virus will only affect people between the ages of 55 and 75? That's what it looks like. Truly horrible. Right? Yes.
That's a lot of people who own a lot of property. So you're saying we could finally afford to buy houses? Hey, honestly, I thought that was never gonna happen. But at what cost?
Carnage. On an unimaginable scale. Unimaginable.
I mean, I'm imagining it right now. We should do something. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You're imagining it too though, aren't you? Oh God, yes I am.
Just think of the change it would make in politics. We could clear out like 80% of the Republican Party. Fox News has donezo.
And we could finally get something done about climate change. Now there's an argument, and I am of course not making it. But there's an argument that climate change is actually more dangerous than this virus. Because climate change affects everyone.
Exactly. And the virus just affects boomers. You got me. Exactly! Yes! Uh-huh.
But this is our parents we're talking about. Yes, our aunts, our uncles. I mean, what would the holidays be like without the nation's uncles? I wouldn't have to worry about them liking pictures of me in my swimsuits from years ago.
Ugh. Now my parents I would miss though. Yeah. That'd be sad. Yeah, so sad.
We could put up a statue. A nice one with flowers and a plaque. With their favorite poem. Now that would actually be very beautiful.
Yeah. I'm not like, actually. Yeah. We should cure this though. Yeah.
I'll call Dr. Struthers. Oh God. Dr. Struthers.
Jesus, he sucks. How hard is it to figure out the Wi-Fi, my dude?
He thinks we're all IT. He calls me literal doctor. He calls me sweetheart. He's what, like 60? Yeah. He's constantly talking about the summer of love, as if he was at Woodstock and not studying biology at SUNY Cortland. We could tell him on Monday.
I mean, hey, nobody wants to get a pile of work thrown at him on a Friday, right? Oh, never.
And then Monday morning we'll all come back and we'll get to work really hard on finding a cure for this horrible virus. I mean, we're gonna be 55 too someday. It'll affect us, right? It will.
And we don't deserve this. We aren't the ones who decided to enrich ourselves by clearing out the social safety net and killing the planet, all while smugly wielding this unearned superiority complex over everyone else. No, we created social media. And the gig economy.
We're great.
Come on. How do microscopes work? I don't know. Hey, it's Grant.
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PhilomenaCunkOn | experts_confuse_philomena_cunk_part_1 | What exactly was Jane Austen? Jane Austen was a woman from Hampshire who wrote novels.
Was that it? Yes, that's it, absolutely.
The thing about St George is that he wasn't actually English. His father came from the middle of what's now Turkey and his mother came from Palestine and he never actually came to England. Oh, you're joking.
Speaking as an expert in architecture, do you ever watch Holmes Under the Hammer? No, I don't, no. You don't watch Holmes Under the Hammer? I've never seen it, no. You've never seen Holmes Under the Hammer? I've never seen Holmes Under the Hammer.
Why not? You must have heard about it. I haven't heard about it, no. Don't you and the other architects talk about it? It's not a subject that's ever come up, no. I think you'd enjoy it. I think you'd get a lot out of it. I should go and have a look, yes. Yeah, I think you should. It's amazing to think that if anything happened to this, the entire works of Shakespeare would be lost forever.
So before I touch it, I need to put on special white gloves. Well, we don't actually need to wear white gloves. No. The advice we have and the best practice we follow is not to wear gloves because you lose the sensitivity in your fingers and you're more likely to damage the book by wearing gloves than not. Well, they're in there. Well, if you've got clean hands, we'd say take the gloves off and we don't need them at all. Yeah, well, I've brought them, so... It's very good of you to bring them, but we don't need them and we can't let you turn the pages of the book if you've got them on. Simon Charmick has to wear gloves. But he doesn't wear them here. Why not? Because when we're handling books and documents, we don't need to wear gloves at all. So what's the difference between a book and a folio?
Aristotle said a lot of clever things, didn't he? My favourite is you've got to dance like nobody's watching. It's so true and you can apply it to anything because my confidence is quite brittle at times and I know I come across as quite confident, but sometimes when I'm talking to experts, I worry that, you know, I might come across as a bit stupid and when I think of dance like no one's watching, that really helps me. You know, it's like a gift. What made Aristotle think of that? I'm not aware that Aristotle said that particular thing about dancing when no one's watching.
I don't think he said that. He did, didn't he? If he did, I don't know and I don't know why, but I don't think he did. Is there something similar that he might have said about something about one's confidence? I don't think so.
All right. OK.
Is Richard III when he's trying to stop him becoming king and he uses the name Tudor just to mean this is some random Welsh person rather than an appropriate person to replace me as king. So the Tudors don't use the name Tudor very much at all. Some people refer to it as being their family name later on.
Sorry, I had that thing. You know where your brain stops listening?
Hasn't mummy ever ridden a bicycle? Not that I know of, no. The ancient Egyptians didn't have bicycles. They didn't even have roads, so they couldn't have a bicycle because they couldn't ride a bicycle.
I don't know why I asked that. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
What happened to Laika? I expect they gave her a bone and a rub on the tummy when she got back. Well, Laika unfortunately never made it back to Earth because shortly after launching she overheated and she tragically passed away just a few hours after being launched.
You're fucking joking! I wish I was.
No, she was launched on a flight that was pretty much one way. There's a dead dog in space. So there's a dead dog somewhere in the back of a frame of every film shot in space like Star Wars. There are dead dogs in Star Wars. That is unacceptable. Well, Laika's satellite eventually burned up in the Earth's atmosphere but this was well after she'd passed away. As I say, it was just a few hours after launch that she died. Sorry, can we just have a minute's silence for Laika? There's a dead dog in space.
Do you think we might be able to do something about it? Stop it being incinerated? Yeah, stop it being incinerated. Or the sun burning the Earth. Can't we put it out with a big hose or something? It's an inevitable consequence of the laws of nature.
You're pleased with that, are you? You're happy with that, you can live with that. Well, there's nothing I can do.
I mean, also, the Andromeda Galaxy is going to hit us. The Andromeda Galaxy? A whole galaxy is going to hit us?
Yeah. On about the same time scale, actually.
Where did the Romans come from? To begin with, they came from Rome and then they came from the Roman Empire. Right, but where in Britain did they come from? Not from Britain, they came from Rome, which is in Italy. Right, well, this is about the history of Britain, so... Where in Britain did they come from?
OK, let's pretend it's the 1980s and I'm Margaret Thatcher. This is a political interview. What would you ask me? I think I would start by asking if this was the early part of her period in office, why she was setting interest rates so high, why she was allowing the exchange rate to go so high in a way that was really damaging British industry and causing a huge rise in unemployment and didn't she think that she was causing huge, unnecessary suffering? You're not expecting me to answer that, seriously? Can you make it stop? Yes, of course. It's incredible, isn't it, that we're here now but that voice came from years ago. If I speak into this trumpet bet, can I ask the person a question about what it's like where they are?
No, you can't, because the recording was made over 100 years ago. But it's a phonograph, doesn't it work like a phone? A phonograph means sound writing in Greek, so it doesn't mean telephone.
So they can hear us but they can't reply? I wouldn't say they can't hear us. We hear them, we hear their recording. They can't hear us and they can't reply to us?
I would say they can't, no. So what's the point of it? Well, it's so we can hear music and voice and sounds. So can it record sounds that haven't happened yet? No. What about sounds that happened earlier? If those sounds were recorded at the time, it can't capture something that's been in the past. It seems quite limited, to be honest.
To find out more about philosophy, I've got an expert here with me. Or have I? Or am I here? Maybe I'm imagining them or they're imagining me. Or am I? Hello, philosophy lady. Am I here?
Yes. How do you know? Well, I can see you, I can probably feel you, I can hear you. What lovely warm hands. Thank you.
It is possible that I'm dreaming. Yeah. Or I could be dreaming too, couldn't I? Oh, you could be dreaming, yes, but you asked me whether you were here. So if you were dreaming, if I was dreaming, that wouldn't have happened? No. If you were dreaming, that wouldn't have happened? If I were dreaming, then my belief that you are here might be false. Right. And unless I can tell that I'm not dreaming, therefore it's possible that you're not here. Yeah. But if we both sort of nip ourselves? Well, the trouble with nipping yourself like that is you might dream that as well. I mean, any test you can do to see whether you're awake, you could do when you're asleep. Any belief that could be false if you were asleep is a belief of whose truth you can't be certain unless you can be certain that you're awake. |
SaturdayNightLive | pongo_snl | Oh, wow, thanks Mom of course, honey. Well, I think that's it for all the presents. What's the matter guys? Nothing. it's just what we really wanted this year was a puppy. We're not sure you're ready for that kind of responsibility. Your kids want a dog for Christmas. it's a problem every year until now. Hey guys, I think there's maybe one more present under the tree.
Whoa. What is it? it's Pongo introducing Pongo, the world's first perfect pet. Oh, whoa.
He's got like no holes. that's right. nothing goes in and nothing comes out. No mess. no bark. no bite. No, nothing. just pure Pongo. Other pets might destroy your home, but Pongo doesn't do anything. he just stares.
Does he do tricks? I don't know.
Dogs can be noisy on hardwood floors, but Pongo makes no noise whatsoever. he just moves silently through your house like a spider. Losing a pet can be hard on kids, but that's not a problem with Pongo, because he can't die. Can't Die. Nope, Because Pongo is neither alive nor dead. He just is. Pongo's not just for kids. Pongo is a great listener and since his mouth doesn't work, you can always wear all your secrets to him and he'll never tell anyone.
He's also kind of wet and I like that. you'll love the constant companionship. God good night, good night. What's wrong babe, I don't like that he watches us while we're in bed.
Diane: Why are you digging a pongo sized hole? I'm doing something should've done a long time ago. my dead body. We won't let you do this. Mom, We all love Pongo. This house wasn't a home until Pongo showed up. What are you guys talking about? We got him 36 hours ago. What even is he? He's Pongo. Yeah, I know he's Pongo Pongo. because your pathetic father was too cheap to buy a dog. You have to make a choice. It's either me or Pongo Pongo, I was a pongo, a thousand times. Pongo. This is insane! I don't want him in this house and there's nothing anyone could do or say that will make me change my mind this year. Make it a Pongo Christmas. he's a perfectly smooth pat guys. |
TheOnion | Voting_Machines_Elect_One_Of_Their_Own_As_President | Welcome back to those of you just joining us.
Let's get you up to speed on what is shaping up to be the political upset of the century. Though we are still waiting on a few districts in Ohio to report, currently Sequoia Voting Systems machine number DRE 700, serial number 34491, leads both Barack Obama and John McCain with 259 electoral votes. At this point, it looks like a voting machine is on track to become the next president of the United States. Joining us now in the war for the White House analysis bunker is Onion News Network reporter Jane Carmichael and senior election analyst Arnold Renfro.
Jane, how did the DRE 700 pull off this upset? Andrea, the DRE 700 is running extremely strong in districts that use electronic voting machines, where it has captured an incredible 100% of the vote. Really? In rural districts, ones that use paper ballots or lever machines, the DRE 700 is getting no votes at all. Arnold, why do you think that is?
Well, Andrea, you know, I think the people who have used electronic voting machines before are just more comfortable with the idea of having one as their president. If you've never used a voting machine, you might be hesitant to vote for 100%.
Exactly. You know, but in broader terms, the DRE 700 is a candidate that stands in stark contrast to politics as usual. It doesn't have any Washington experience. And from what we understand, it spent the first part of its life in a storage warehouse.
And I think this shows that the American people are really ready for a change. Do you think McCain and Obama failed to gauge the mood of the country?
Is that why the DRE 700 is doing so well, Arnold? No, I don't, Andrea. I think it was simply a case of the DRE being the superior candidate. Really?
It has lots of bright colors and easy to use touchscreen. And clearly, a lot of voters just found that very appealing. Truly a remarkable night.
The Onion News Network War for the White House website has been getting a flood of emails. John Bunning of Missouri writes, I didn't vote for the machine or know anyone who did, but that's how democracy works.
And this one from LPX776 in CA11 who writes, DRE 700 is leader. Tremble before him and prepare to do his will. 1-1-0-1-0-0-1-1-0. Positive comments, really, considering most had never heard of the machine before tonight. Arnold. I've just been told the results from Ohio are in, and we're ready to call the state for the DRE 700. Wow. That gives it a total of 289 electoral votes, which means that Sequoia Voting System's machine number, DRE 700, will be the 44th president of the United States. Let's go live right now to Riverside, California, where it is about to make its victory speech.
We seem to have lost that feed, and I'm sorry, but we seem to be having some technical difficulties. We appear to be having some kind of function. I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Are you there? We're going to ask our patient, I'm sure, this is all figured out. |
dropout | the_play_by_play_for_your_weekend_plans | Hello, and welcome back to another exciting edition of Grant Tries to Plan is Friday Night. I'm Ricky Steed, and I'm HootBoot. Let's get right back into the action.
Before the break, Grant was fielding texts from two different parties, the first of which was from Marcus, his college friend, who says, hey, Grant, want to grab dinner around nine? And the second is from a girl he went to high school with, who now lives in the same town, Meredith. She writes, crappy week, I miss you.
Want to come drink Savvy Bee and watch Bob's Burgers? This puts a bit of a tough spot. This is a tricky situation, Ricky. The first offer is a trap offer. Dinner would be fine Santa Thursday night, but remember, this is a Friday night.
I mean, who knows how long Grant will be at that table. Right. Now, tell us a little bit about that second text. Well, Meredith is terrible. She is rough to be around for a full night, and there's no way that Grant can handle that. Remember, on Friday nights, Grant's primary goal is to get laid. That's right.
And for more on that, we turn to Sue Stakehouse with a medical report. Sue, Sue, what are you hearing from the doctors?
Well, Ricky, from what I can tell, Grant has not had sex in a full month. And according to medical personnel is, quote, backed up. Thanks, Sue. We're going to check back in on the action now. It looks like Grant is shifting to the offense. He's about to leave a voicemail with his young friend, Paul Duff Man Duffy, probably realizing that all friends his own age are already in happy, stable relationships.
Exactly. Duffy. Hello. Let's go out. Fuck me. Little trouble there. Duffy. What's up, man? What are you doing tonight? Let's go burn it down somewhere. We could... Duffy. Hey, call me. Let's do something tonight.
That is just sloppy gameplay. Ooh, it is poorly executed and more over bad strategy.
I mean, now he's got a voicemail out there. Oh, and it looks like he's getting another text from Meredith. It says, hey, where you at, baby boy? He's going to have to respond to that soon. And the hits keep rolling in. Here's a text from his brother. Well, you can see here, this is a text from Pete, as in Pete O'Brien, Grant's brother. He says, hey, are we still good tonight?
And you can tell from his reaction, he clearly doesn't remember making these plans. I think the only play here is to lie. I agree with you there, and it looks like that's what he's doing.
I mean, this is the kind of stuff that's going to keep Grant O'Brien in this game. Yeah, if we had more moves like this from Grant earlier in the game, I don't think he would be in the position he's in right now.
Well, it looks like we have a text from Meredith. She says, maybe your phone is off going to stop by your apartment. Oh, that could be game right here. It could be. Because here's a text back from Duffy.
It says, hey, bro, going to hang with the girl tonight? Hashtag Bob's Burgers.
Now, Grant doesn't have many options left. At this point, he's got to take that dinner with Marcus and live to fight another day. You got to cut those losses. And here he goes.
He's replying to Meredith. He says, hey, actually going to dinner with Marcus. Well, hopefully Grant can transition dinner into drinks where he can maybe pick up a nice piece of that. Looks like we got another text back from Meredith. She says, oh, I was texting him earlier.
Can I come?
Oh, that is ugly. You hate to see that for any player, let alone Grant who's had a bumbling, horrible season.
Back in the day, Grant was able to chill. He was able to hang out. He could even throw down. But now he's just not transitioning that into an effective gameplay.
What a lousy end of Friday plans. That's it for us in the studio. Join us tomorrow when we see if Grant can convince his ex to let him come over. Clash of the Titans for Ricky Steed. I'm hoot boot. Good night. |
dropout | why_can_t_you_use_phones_on_planes | Ladies and gentlemen, as we prepare for takeoff, please turn off all electronic devices. Why? What's that? Well, why do we have to turn off our electronic devices? Because they can interfere with the plane's navigation.
Oh, okay. So, anyway. How? What's that?
How do they interfere with the plane's navigation? Because the electronic signals can interfere with the signals between the plane and the radio tower on takeoff and landing.
Oh, okay. Gotcha. That makes sense. Thank you. Make sure that our seats are fully upright. Wait. I mean, I get why I can't have a radio or whatever, but how is my Kindle going to screw things up? That's a good question. It's not just about radios. All devices have an electromagnetic field that can interfere with the radio frequencies. Oh, okay. That's clear. All right. Please make sure that all tray tables are... Wait. So you're saying that a $90 million aircraft can't ignore the signal from my $40 iPod shuffle?
That's weird. She's right. That is weird. Yeah. Now I'm confused again. Why do you allow devices on the plane and not, I don't know, gels? Yeah.
Could I hold this plane hostage with my 3DS? Some devices are more dangerous than others, but there isn't enough time to go through them one by one.
I mean, how come the plane doesn't interfere with my phone? And why don't the other phones interfere with my phone? I just always leave my phone on and nothing happens.
Yeah. No. You can't.
Every old electronic devices have to be turned off. I can't turn off my pacemaker. Well, your pacemaker is fine. It just opens up a whole new can of worms. Yeah. It's a pacemaker.
Airplanes are magic! Okay. No one knows why you have to turn off your phones, and you want to know why? Because no one knows how an airplane works! A couple of dumbbells down in Kitty Hawk took some sticks and some old pants and they glued them together and they fucking flew and no one knows why. I thought the wings generated lift. Lift? Thrust? No. Scientists want you to think that they figured it out, but no one has ever figured it out and now we're just rocketing through space on a 30-ton dumpster running on God knows what magic.
And you guys want to just dick around with that? I mean, who knows what could fuck this shit up, okay? So turn off your Twitter machines for just 13 minutes while we soar through the clouds like the sun god Apollo and just read your fucking Skymalls! Okay? Hey.
My sister is pregnant. |
ClickHole | how_to_make_your_hair_look_wet | Hey guys, it's Marisa and I'm back with another hair tutorial. So a lot of you have been asking me how to get that wet hair look and today I'm gonna show you how. Women have been yearning for that wet hair look that Demi Lovato and Damp Lisa have made so hot. I like it because it's slippery, sophisticated, and totally wretched. Now there are a couple of ways to achieve this sopping look. Some people like to cut off their hair, dip it in water, and then glue it back to their heads. Some people like to use the liquid inside a glow stick mixed with the liquid inside a snow globe. Now both of those are totally great, but today I'm gonna show you my favorite way.
The first step is to flatten your hair with this old computer. Next, rub coconut oil in your hair machine, but be sure to remove any tic-tacs first. This step is very important, so make sure not to skip it. Next, grab some pumpkin risotto and blow cigarette smoke into it while stirring.
This will make your hair look totally submerged. I just found this in an alley and it made my hair look great and drenched. You should do it too. Then just blow dry your hair and voila! You are done soggy wet hair. And that's it! Your hair now looks completely drowned. Please let me know what you want to see next week in the comments below and make sure to post pics of your wet hair. Ciao! |
SaturdayNightLive | the_big_hollywood_quiz_snl | Thank you, thank you! Welcome to the show That's all about entertainment. let's meet our contestants. First, Robert is a professor of Film studies at Tisch School of the Arts. Hi, Jack. Next, Jacqueline is an entertainment writer for Usa Today. great to be here. Finally, Mary hosts her own show on the history of Hollywood. what kind of show is it, Mary? it's a podcast. Oh, okay. well, our categories are the movies, the shows, the stars, And Hooray! Robert, you're first. Jack, we gotta start with movies. we gotta. This question is from the 1950s. in All About Eve, she famously said, fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Robert, you buzzed in first. the one and only, Bette Davis.
Yes, that's $500. you're on the board. Moving over to the shows, this one is from the 80s. in 1983, this Tv show, set during the Korean War, had a finale watched by over 100 million viewers. Jacqueline. Mash, and it was watched by 106 million. That's it. $500 for you. great job.
Now let's go over to the 2020s. this breakout hit is the current number one show on Netflix. it's Ginny and. No One? it's the most watched show on the most watched streaming service in the world. No?
Ginny and. Juice? it was Ginny and Georgia. Ginny and Georgia, season two.
Is that from Europe? No, it's totally American. Okay, Robert, pick a category. let's go to Hooray.
Great, these are all about awards, sticking with the 2020s. This film, written and directed by Sarah Polly, has been nominated for best picture this year.
No one? I'll give you a hint. it has an all-female cast, featuring Oscar winner Frances Mcdormand. 80 for Brady. No. anyone else? can you give us a hint? it's women talking. be more specific.
Now that's the title, women talking. it's a wonderful film. do you all watch much Tv or movies? I do, at least 12 hours a day. Yikes. here's the next question. just last week, Andrea Risborough was nominated for an Oscar for her role in Which movie? anyone? Andrea Risborough. they say it was the best performance of her career. career? it was Two Leslie, that's right. Two Leslie, it's great. you should really see it, because so far, it's made $27,300. Okay, that's not a lot for opening weekend. it's been out for four months. can I make a request, Jack? can we do a question with some big movie stars, people we would all know?
Sure, like who? I don't know, Nicole Kidman. Absolutely. here's one. this past year, Nicole Kidman starred in this darkly feminist drama on Apple Tv. Wednesday? No. anyone? nobody?
It was Roar. That's right, Roar. No. Yes.
Wednesday. No, sorry, it was the last days of Ptolemy Grey. Oh, come on, you've got to be kidding me. I'm totally serious.
Jack, please, I'm sure these shows are great, but where did all the big, popular movies go? Oh, they're still here. they're just in your phone, and you can watch them on the toilet. Okay, since no one is in the lead, let's just move on to the speed round. Robert, you're still in control. our era is the 80s. great. here's the question. the year 1989 featured movies like The Little Mermaid, When Harry Met Sally, Batman, Dead Poet Society, and Do The Right Thing. Robert, Name three movies from the past five years.
Oh, wow. three? Okay. um, wow. Top Gun? Okay, that's one. great. Oh, gosh. The Hangover? that was 20 years ago. um. the Night. man. sounds like you're just saying words. come on, all you need is one. can't you just name one more movie? Nope. that's right, nope. Why? why? why?
I'll just take the win, Robert. when we come back, these three will try to guess what Julia Roberts is doing. I'm stars. Bye. thank you. thank you. Welcome to the show. That's all about entertainment. let's meet our contestants. First, Robert is a professor of Film Studies at Tisch School of the Arts. Hi, Jack. Next, Jacqueline is an entertainment writer for Usa Today. great to be here.
Finally, Mary hosts her own show on the history of Hollywood. What kind of show is it, Mary? it's a podcast. Oh, okay. well, our categories are. the movies. the shows. the stars.
And Hooray! Robert, you're first. Thanks, Jack. we got to start with movies. we got to. this question is from the 1950s. in All About Eve, she famously said, fasten your seat belts. it's going to be a bumpy ride. Oh! Robert, you buzzed in first. the one and only, Bette Davis. Yes, that's $500. you're on the board. Moving over to the shows, this one is from the 80s. in 1983, this Tv show, set during the Korean War, had a finale watched by over 100 million viewers. Oh! Jacqueline. mashed. And it was watched by 106 million. That's it. $500 for you. Great job.
Now let's go over to the 2020s. this breakout hit is the current number one show on Netflix. it's Ginny and. No One? it's the most watched show on the most watched streaming service in the world. No?
Ginny and. Juice? no. it was Ginny and Georgia. Ginny and Georgia, Season two.
Is that from Europe? no. it's totally American. Okay. Robert, pick a category. let's go to Hooray. Great. these are all about awards sticking with the 2020s.
A film written and directed by Sarah Polley has been nominated for Best Picture this year. No One? I'll give you a hint. it has an all-female cast, featuring Oscar winner Frances Mcdormand. 80 for Brady. No. anyone else? can you give us a hint? it's women talking. be more specific. now that's the title, women talking. it's a wonderful film. do you all watch much Tv or movies?
I do, at least 12 hours a day. Yikes. here's the next question.
Just last week, Andrea Risborough was nominated for an Oscar for her role in which movie? anyone? Andrea Risborough. they say it was the best performance of her career. career? Mmm. it was 2 Leslie. that's right, 2 Leslie. it's great. you should really see it, because so far, it's made $27,300.
Okay, that's not a lot for opening weekend. it's been out for four months. can I make a request, Jack? can we do a question with some big movie stars, people we would all know? Sure, like who? I don't know.
Wednesday? No. anyone? nobody? it was Roar. That's right, Roar. No. yes. Okay, let's do.
Samuel L. Jackson. everyone knows him, right? This past year, Samuel L. Jackson starred in this critically acclaimed drama on Apple Tv.
Wednesday? No, sorry, it was the last days of Ptolemy Grey. Oh, come on, you've got to be kidding me. I'm Ptolemy serious.
Jack, please, I'm sure these shows are great, but where did all the big, popular movies go? Oh, they're still here. they're just in your phone, and you can watch them on the toilet. Okay, since no one is in the lead, let's just move on to the speed round. Robert, you're still in control. our era is the 80s. Great. here's the question. the year 1989 featured movies like The Little Mermaid, When Harry Met Sally, Batman, Dead Poet Society, and Do The Right Thing. Robert, name Three movies from the past five years.
Oh, wow. three? Okay. wow. Top Gun? Okay, that's one. great. Oh, gosh. The Hangover? that was 20 years ago. um. the Night. man. sounds like you're just saying words. come on, all you need is one. can't you just name one more movie?
Nope. that's right! nope! Why? I'll just take the win, Robert. when we come back, these three will try to guess what Julia Roberts is doing. I'm stars! Bye! |
cracked | movie_villains_with_no_idea_what_they_re_doing_yboc_dr_strange_i_am_legend | So, say you want to murder someone as part of a conspiracy to suppress knowledge of the nasty side effects of a drug again. This time, you need it to be completely untraceable, like that time when you cleverly ran Alex Lentz off the road with an untraceable hit and run. You know your target's happily married, reasonably fit, and looks exactly like Han Solo, so with that in mind, how about you, uh, send in a weak-ass one-armed dude to try and stab him in his own house while his wife is home? I honestly don't see what could go wrong with this.
Don't ever argue with the big dog. Big dog is always right.
Virtually every facet of Devlin McGregor's plan to kill Dr. Richard Kimball in the fugitive is moronic. First, the assassin they send, Sykes, objectively sucks. Due to his lack of an arm, Sykes can only barely murder Dr. Kimball's wife after a protracted struggle and Kimball himself immediately hurls Sykes' ass down the staircase. If Kimball didn't rush back to check on his wife, he surely would have torn Sykes' other arm off and shoved it up his butt. Uh, up Sykes' butt.
I mean, unless that was something Kimball was into, in which case, you know. Who am I to judge? He had a mechanical ****.
Now it was quick thinking to frame Kimball for his wife's murder, but why was Sykes so surprised she was there in the first place? The whole plan seemed to be based on the idea that Kimball's wife wouldn't be home despite her being a very normal human who likely returns home at the end of most days, and yet Sykes is shocked to find Mrs. Kimball in her own house at like 10 p.m. And even if she hadn't been home and Sykes had somehow gotten the drop on Kimball and stabbed him in that big ol' glorious silver beard, it's not like the police would assume it was a robbery. Sykes used Kimball's personal keys. There's no sign of forced entry, so the police would know that the killer would have to be connected to Kimball somehow. And actually, on that note, did Sykes plan to lock the door behind him after he snuck in? Because then Kimball couldn't get in, because Sykes has his keys. There'd be this awkward standoff where Sykes is in his underwear sitting in Kimball's house waiting to murder Kimball, who's outside in the cold freezing his **** off. If Sykes did leave the door unlocked, then Kimball would know something was up, and an alert Harrison Ford is a dangerous Harrison Ford.
There are dozens of better plans. I mean, if you're such a powerful pharmaceutical company that makes such dangerous drugs, why not poison Kimball? Or why not stab him in a Taco Bell bathroom and make it look like a classic case of Doritos Locos madness? My friend Richard Kimball doesn't feel well.
Whatever you do, don't let yourself into his house with one of his keys, engage him in one-armed weak-ass combat, and forget his freakin' wife exists at all. Absolutely anything is better than that. I miss you, stop. Ah, yeah, I think that's pretty much it. Be sure to check with Kathy on your way out for some drugs for that tiny little head on your back that's left over from the twin that you ate in the womb. Cut. Ugh. It's like, why do I even do this if they don't think I'm a real doctor?
No, it was a great episode. It was probably our best episode ever.
For idiots. PhD. I spent 30 years in doctor school, and this is what I get. Kathy, do you have any go-go juice? I'm sad. Oh my god, how did you beat me up here? Are you always filming? I'm not filming like her, bro. Well, Kathy is the receptionist I thought, and she's supposed to give me my go-go juice. See these latest comments. Okay, now I'm at least 60% sure you're not a doctor. What are you doing, doctor? I built a doctor. That's not a big friend.
I'm not a good doctor.
Nothing. Maybe editing will help soothe my emotional pain, if only for a moment. The medical community at large has long agreed with my assessment that vampires should not go into the sun. I mean, they'll either die, or they'll turn into sparkly man-children, and both are humiliating. This is what I am.
The primary reason Robert Neville survives for as long as he does, and I am legend, is that the vampire zombie things who got mutated by a cancer cure that did not work, they can't safely interact with direct sunlight. This means that during the day, Neville is free to walk around outside or shit the street without fear. Keep your eye on this one for me. And as stupid as the vampires seem, they're smart enough to recognize that the sun literally sets them on fire. But actually, the vampires are super smart, and rig a complex trap that successfully lures and captures Neville. The mutants can't grab Neville right away because it's still daytime, but the longer Neville hangs there, the closer the mutants and their crazy dogs that I guess also ate cancer pills or got bit by somebody who did, they're able to inch much closer to him using the shadows for cover.
Except why don't they just wear a damn hoodie? My sweatshirt there, friend.
Don't set it down anywhere. We know this is a usable workaround because earlier, Neville went out in broad daylight, threw a blanket over a mutant's head, and pulled it into the sunlight unharmed. The dogs themselves can stand in light shadow while they wait for nightfall. Only literal direct sunlight causes damage, not just general exposure to the outdoors. A big sturdy parasol would open up the entire city for these guys.
Hello. Want to see some infected rats?
Even if they couldn't figure any of that out, why not just throw something at Neville? He's literally just hanging there. They're smart enough to emotionally manipulate him with a mannequin and build a system of pulleys and cars, but they never considered the possibility of chucking a spear or a couple of big-ass rocks at him while he hung there unconscious for hours. Even Josh Rosen could probably hit that target if given three hours and an unlimited supply of rubble.
Ha! Sick reference! That is such a sick reference!
I mean, nobody would know who Josh Rosen was, except for an actual sports medicine doctor, which I am. Hmm, you know what? Those I Am Legend zombie vampire things became that way because of a cancer cure that didn't work. But maybe if I came up with a cure for cancer, or maybe anaphylaxis, then they would have to believe me that I'm a doctor.
Right? But how do I do- There is one way. Hey, Nega Jordan. Hey, actual Dr. Jordan. So what were you saying?
We need to steal the Book of Doctor Secrets. The Book of Doctor Secrets? But it is forbidden! It's the only way to help those with life-threatening allergic reactions receive treatment at a reasonable price, Jordan. It's locked away at the secret public library. We just need to apply all the lessons we learned from our favorite medical documentary, Doctor Strange.
What? It's literally the exact same thing.
They send his buddies break into the Nepalese temple public library so they can steal a few pages from that book about time spells. But they weren't sneaky at all. They immediately ran into a magic librarian.
Well, yeah, but they chop his head off. So cool. But when the other magicians find the head? No, they thought of that, remember? They brought a bucket and then they put the head in the bucket. And the actual body? Well, I mean, it didn't fit in the bucket. So they suck it still.
I mean, yeah, but it doesn't matter because Casilius tricks the good guys by not stealing the whole book. He just rips out a few pages. The only way to tell which book he was looking for was by opening like every book in the temple library.
Or you could just pick it up off the floor. Oh, shit. Right. But they did look in it, so they put it back anyway, so it's still good. We're still good. But Strange did look in, and he realized there were missing pages referring to a very specific spell to Awaken Dormammu. Because Casilius left the damn thing on the floor, the good guys immediately knew what his plan was. Yeah, but that was like a one in a million thing.
Doctor Strange is more interested in fixing his special hands than trying to provide a cheap way to fix anaphylaxis. If somebody finds a few pages missing in the book of Doctor Secrets, they're going to know we're trying to create an EpiPen alternative. Who is going to know?
The pharmaceutical company, Mylan. They have very shady business practices.
You should look it up. That's a good idea. I'll be sure to check the description of this video after. Well, then what should we do?
I mean, Strange's stealing method was good. Instead of cutting people's heads off, he just sneaks the book out with those tiny portals they can all do. Yeah, but they'd immediately notice that the entire book was missing. Okay, but it was packed full of time-based spells. They'd only know that the book was missing, not which spell he was going to use. At a minimum, he could have stolen the book, made copies real quick of those pages, and then returned it.
Maybe, but he'd still get beaten by Doctor Strange's magical prowess in the Eye of Agamotto thing. But Doctor Strange only learned how to use the eye from the book that Casilius left behind. If Casilius took the whole book, Strange would never have learned how to stop him. Hell, Casilius could have taken the damn eye, too, if he was going to go around cutting people's heads off.
I feel like a lot of this doesn't apply to our exact situation. What are we talking about?
The book of Doctor Secrets? Oh, right. I'm just saying we should take the whole book of Doctor Secrets.
No copies, no torn pages, minimal severed heads. That way, Big Pharma doesn't know which name brand cure we're attempting to create a cheap alternative for. Yeah, all right, that makes sense to me. So all I really need is a backpack and a head bucket. No, we don't need a head.
I thought I was the evil one. You're a reflection of me, bro.
Oh, God. Jordan!
Anyway, thanks, man. Yeah, sure thing, Precious. I told you calling me that makes me very uncomfortable. Sorry. Habit. You're next. Oh, yeah. I guess you just pick it up. You're under a rift. Oh, my God!
David Byum, M.E.D.?
I thought you were whatever that stands for, not a cop. Well, cop... I don't... That's... It's kind of like a buzz. I'm like a... I don't know. I'm a guy. What am I under arrest for, then?
The head, mostly. The severed head. Okay, but, like, on Craigslist it said it was, like, like, a deer head. And then I got there, and he's like, it's actually... It's a dude head. And I was like, deer head, dude head, I see. I mean, I get not wanting to waste a trip, but it's definitely a dude head.
And you can't have it. I mean, you can't just... You can't have it. Am I not allowed? We don't like saying things are illegal at this point, but it's... Right. Frowned upon? Right, but you can't...
Can you frown me all the way to jail? Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, maybe even to the chair.
Criminals never get ahead.
It's good. What are you arresting me for? The head, the head. Jesus. That. I mean, I've got a... His face would work. You can get all kinds of things at Facebook Marketplace. It's true. You can get a lot there. I just didn't realize how far the head was gonna go. Yeah, all right. Oh, there's a huge dog turd there. Our agent said, what are you arresting me for? The severed head mostly. Yeah, that one there in the bucket. Oh, that's like a Facebook Marketplace thing. He said it'd been in his family, and I was like, I want one of those in my thing.
You cut it off, it's illegal. You purchase it. Still illegal. It's just not... Not if it's good. None of this is good. Yeah, I thought that it wasn't illegal if I just bought it.
Yeah, no common misconception, but still very... Damn. Sorry about the whole bitch thing earlier. Oh, it's fine.
Yeah, you... Everybody calls me today. Come on, let's get out of here. Hey, guys. Thanks for watching the finale of Your Brain on Crack, season one. It's not the end by any means. This is Caleb, by the way. Hello.
He's been in a couple of episodes here and there. He's the guy doing all the camera stuff and all the teleprompter stuff and just... It's been basically just the two of us for most of this, so he's been helpful, obviously.
A couple of announcements that we wanted to throw your way. First, I'm no longer ordained. I'm working here full time now. This is not the end of Your Brain on Crack. We got another season coming. We've got all sorts of new shows. Really excited to bring them out and to just be doing this full time. Thank you for your support.
Also, next Friday, we will be live streaming on the Crack YouTube channel, and we'll pretty much just be watching through season one, talking about all the stuff that went into making it happen, all the goofy things behind the camera that you guys don't probably realize, what it's like to be a crew of literally just two people with Kong, of course. But yeah, we'll just be talking about what made the season happen and kind of what went on behind the scenes. Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun. So check it out. It'll be here on the channel. You might learn a little bit about how Kong is, when he's not...
He's like perfect on screen, but that guy is an asshole behind the scenes. He's a method actor, for sure. He has been a monkey for like four months. It's crazy.
Yeah, so I guess like and subscribe or whatever if you haven't. If you haven't by now, do you even want to?
I honestly don't think subscribers do anything for this channel. We could have 10 million subscribers and it wouldn't.
I don't think anybody gets notified. It doesn't matter. We'll see you next week. |
cracked | the_5_douchiest_douchebags_in_the_news_this_week | Welcome back to Douchebag Headquarters. My co-anchor, Orin J. Katseff, has the week off, because he died. Anyway, it's Friday, April 11th, and this is the week in Douchebaggery. I'm Lex Friedman, and no news is good news, so here's the bad news.
Douchebag number five, Texas authorities, for taking custody of over 400 children in a raid on a polygamous compound. It's not the taking the children away from the compound that we object to, but rather the fact that authorities have reportedly transferred the children to a holding facility in Southern California, seen here. I mean, these kids already have it rough. When someone tells them, yo mama is so fat, they have to ask which mama. That's harsh.
Douchebag number four, every single funny friend you have. They probably all made the same joke this past weekend when Charlton Heston finally went to the big Planet of the Apes in the sky. Namely, I guess we can have his gun now. As opposed to either one of these cracked endorsed jokes. Moses died earlier this week, and he never got to see the Promised Land. My dick.
Or, what's the difference between Charlton Heston and Soil and Green? Soil and Green is people. Charlton Heston is dead.
Douchebag number three is Australian father and daughter, John and Jenny Dives, who have ended their sexual relationship because of their risk of going to prison. Since, you know, their fucking father and daughter. Literally. Their incestuous relationship went on for nine years and included the birth of a child of their own. So it's a good thing they stopped it before it went too far. Reached for comment, the couple's incestuous daughter told the news on correct. And then scratched her fourth ear.
They've passed a bill that allows people to take their guns to work. The winner here, of course, is any receptionist being hunted by an elite group of assassins. The law is actually seen as a victory for horny office drones everywhere, who can now finally claim, uh, no, it is a gun in my pocket, right before they ejaculate.
And let me again apologize to my boss, cracked editor Jack O'Brien. I'm sorry, and I'll pay your dry cleaning bill. The NRA, of course, supports the new looser gun laws. Reach for comment. The president of the NRA told cracked, I'm dead.
That's it for this week in douchebaggery. Check back next Friday to find out who else is wrapped up like a douche in the corner of the night. Anyway, it's Friday, April 11th, and this is the week in douchebaggery. I'm Lex Friedman, and no news is good news, so here's the bad news.
Douchebag number five, Texas authorities for taking custody of over 400 children in a raid on a polygamous compound. It's not the taking the children away from the compound that we object to, but rather the fact that authorities have reportedly transferred the children to a holding facility in Southern California, seen here. I mean, these kids already have it rough.
When someone tells them yo mama's so fat, they have to ask which mama. That's harsh. Douchebag number four, every single funny friend you have. They probably all made the same joke this past weekend when Charlton Heston finally went to the big planet of the Apes in the sky. Namely, I guess we can have his gun now. As opposed to either one of these cracked endorsed jokes. Moses died earlier this week, and he never got to see the promised land. My dick.
Or what's the difference between Charlton Heston and Soil and Green? Soil and Green is people. Charlton Heston is dead.
Douchebag number three is Australian father and daughter John and Jenny Dives, who have ended their sexual relationship because of their risk of going to prison. Since, you know, their fucking father and daughter. Literally. Their incestuous relationship went on for nine years and included the birth of a child of their own, so it's a good thing they stopped it before it went too far. Reached for comment, the couple's incestuous daughter told the news on cracked, and then scratched her fourth ear.
They've passed a bill that allows people to take their guns to work. The winner here, of course, is any receptionist being hunted by an elite group of assassins. The law is actually seen as a victory for horny office drones everywhere, who can now finally claim, no, it is a gun in my pocket, right before they ejaculate.
The NRA, of course, supports the new looser gun laws. Reach for comment, the president of the NRA told cracked, I'm dead. |
cracked | the_insane_harry_potter_fan_theory_that_might_be_true | It always seemed odd that Harry Potter's aunt and uncle, the Dursleys, would be good enough to take him in and raise him, only to keep him locked in a cupboard under the stairs and generally treat him like s***. There's no such thing as magic. Wouldn't it be cheaper to dump him in an orphanage? In a series full of magical beings, one of the most fantastic elements is that these completely normal people managed to be so terrible without the use of any spells. Or did they? A theory by Graphic Nerdy claims that the Dursleys were originally a normal, supportive couple, but continued exposure to Harry's curse to ask to turn them into resentful hate beasts. Here's why it's not that crazy.
Harry, as we eventually find out, is technically a Horcrux, which, if you don't know, Horcruxes are cursed objects containing fragments of the evil Voldemort's soul, and they've been known to turn people into ass-s***s. In the second movie, Ginny Weasley is brainwashed by a book because it's a Horcrux, or because JK Rowling is trying to suggest that women shouldn't read because it gives them crazy ideas, but that's a separate fan theory. The book contains a piece of the venomous soul of the Lord of Hate, Magic, and Wizard murder. We also see Ron start acting like a total dick after putting on a locket that's, yep, a Horcrux. Most importantly, we find out later in the series that Harry himself has a part of Voldemort's soul trapped inside of him, so if Ron and Ginny turn to evil after being exposed to a Horcrux over a matter of weeks and months, just imagine how the Dursleys could be affected after living with one for ten years. Harry Potter was a magical cancer. The discovery makes the biggest douchebags of the Potterverse not villains, but victims. Heroes, even. The fact that their adoption of a child who was also a cursed object merely resulted in them turning into emotionally abusive turds instead of a family of secret cannibals is cause for commendation. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_uwe_boll | Welcome to Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff Rubin here with Andre Vermeulen, David Young, and Pat Cassels. Video game movies are not exactly known for their quality, but the worst of the worst all have one thing in common. They were made by one man, Uwe Boll. So today we're going to watch some of Uwe's movies. Groovey!
This is Blood Rain, based on the video game Blood Rain, and it's about a female vampire and the video game takes place in World War II, but the movie actually kind of serves as a prequel. Do you have to play the video game to understand the movie? Oh, you can't understand the movie. In this Blood Rain-averse, vampires cannot touch water. She's screwed. I don't get the whole vampire water thing because that is not in Twilight.
I watched the commentary for this to prepare for filming this episode and I know the most boring a** in the world now. This was her last day of shooting, this was her birthday, and I would give anything to just get that information out of my head. I don't want to remember the movie, but it's just the commentary. What better birthday present than to not have to work with Uwe Boll anymore?
I'm impressed by the torches in the background. There's so many torches. You're his ideal audience. I lit a torch.
Here's Ben Kingsley, who I had previously assumed this was some sort of fluke that Ben Kingsley ended up in this movie, but then I saw Prince of Persia where he plays the exact same role as kind of the evil... How is it a fluke that he's in this movie? He's like, oh, this isn't the set of Gandhi II.
They slam the door shut and there's no role in the camera. Yeah.
I think that's what makes Uwe's movie so high profile on the Internet and such an easy target is there's a million terrible direct DVD movies, but he's got Ben Kingsley in his. This is In the Name of the King, a dungeon siege tale based on the video game dungeon siege. This is Uwe's magnum opus. They really gave him a budget for this one. A really fun game to play when you watch these cheap horror movies, especially the siege in the village, is just pick one of the marauders and watch them.
And they'll never really do anything. They'll just chase a woman for a few steps and then run over to a fig stand and shape the fig stand.
I think marauder might be one of my favorite words. Yeah, as I said it, I was like, I secretly congratulated myself.
Jason Statham is really a big get for this movie because he really is one of the last like big action heroes. I mean, Stallone or Schwarzenegger, they're going to be too old. And then, you know, maybe you can get like Viggo Mortensen or someone, but they've kind of like gone in other directions than doing, like, the rings. When you see Jason Statham on the poster, you know what you're signing up for.
I don't want to admit this, but I'm going to. All of these movies, I have interest in seeing because like these clips, I want to know what happens before and after. We're sort of focusing on the best part. When we started, we sat down and Pat and I were like, let's watch all the movies and then we'll show everyone the worst parts of them. But then the movies were so bad that we had to be like, we can't show the worst parts. People are just going to turn the bleep bleep up. We're going to have to use the best parts if anyone even has a hope of making it through the episode. And you're concerned that your belief that seeing the preceding 50 minutes before these scenes would somehow explain something very wrong.
There was a petition going around the internet and if a million people signed it in a certain amount of time, Uwe promised he would quit film. So then to kind of address the petition, he made this video, also promoting his movie, which was new at the time, postal. So hi, here's Uwe Boel. And I have a statement to make about that internet petition. I want that there's a petition also out there, like a pro-boel petition. And I expect a million votes pro-boel. And I hope somebody would set it up and you all start signing it.
Because look, I'm not a fucking retard like Michael Bay or other people running around in that business or Ellie Ross making the same shitty movies over and over again. If you really look at my movies, you will see my real genius.
He's like a pro-wrestler. He's like a pro-wrestler, exactly.
He's sort of like loving the hatred. But I think he knows the attention in the end is good for the bottom line. He might be like a Heidi and Spencer. Exactly. All the press is good for us. I can imagine him watching a Michael Bay movie. He's watching Transformers 2 and he's so frustrated because he's just like, My movies aren't really worse than this and he's not wrong. No. How often does he work? Uwe has actually released three movies a year for the past three years. Which means that he's three times as good as Woody Allen. I feel like I'm in this awkward position where I keep defending Uwe. But no one has made a good video game movie. This is not just his problem. No one has cracked that nut yet. That's true. You know what? I bet you all of those petition people actually love him. I bet half his audience is people that complain about his movies online at least.
If you guys want to see more Uwe Bowl movies, you're in luck because his next film, which is coming out soon, is Dark Four. I love that video game. Is the next one going to be called Dark Five? |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Voter_s_Guide_To_Barack_Obama | The Onion's Election 2012 We Decide, Not You, brought to you by 7-Eleven or 7-Election. Voting rates available at participating locations only. Election Day is approaching, and it's almost time for you to make your voice heard while a small group of billionaire campaign donors decide the election. To help you prepare, hear now as The Onion's in-depth voter's guide to Democratic candidate, Barack Obama.
The first thing voters should know about Barack Obama is that he has never actually experienced hope before and is purely working off of other people's descriptions of what hope feels like. Although he has evoked the concept of hope on hundreds of occasions in his political career, Obama, in fact, has never felt anything but total hopelessness and frequently requires aides to brief him on what a person feeling hope might look or sound like. Another important fact for voters to consider is that Barack Obama was actually president once before, from 2008 to 2012. Thus, if elected, Barack Obama will actually be serving his second term as a U.S. president, which may come as a surprise to many voters. It is also worth noting that Barack Obama is the father of two young daughters, Donna and Brenda.
On the key issue of gay marriage, Barack Obama has offered his support, They've got to be treated like every other American. but admits that his views on the subject are always evolving and that he could see himself vehemently opposing same-sex unions at some point in the future. Obama says that his views on gay marriage evolved so quickly and so erratically that it is truly impossible to say where he might stand on the issue in even a few months' time. He might support gay marriage, or he might believe that marriage is a sacred bond designed only for a man and a woman, or between whatever selection of sexes the human race may have evolved into at that time.
On the issue of abortion, Barack Obama has always firmly maintained that a woman should terminate an unwanted pregnancy just once for herself to see if she likes it or not. Obama maintains that even a woman who opposes abortion should at least try it, because what if she doesn't hate it? What if she thinks it's actually kind of great? These are the questions that Obama would like all women to consider.
If Obama is re-elected for a second term, what would the country look like? Political pundit Jim Haley offers his projection.
I don't know.
I guess we could probably expect to see continuing tensions among Democrats and Republicans. Definitely a few more mass shootings at schools or malls or wherever.
Another terrible album by LMFAO. A new Avengers movie with Josh Wieden writing and directing. Also, probably a slew of poorly received new NBC sitcoms, everyone getting slightly fatter, the economy, that kind of stuff.
And finally, what is the most important issue in this election? The only thing of any real importance in this world, the only thing at all, is love.
This is all meaningless. This video doesn't matter. This election doesn't matter. And Barack Obama and Mitt Romney certainly don't matter.
So long as you have love in your life. A presidential term lasts only four years. But love, love lasts a lifetime.
When I was 18, I fell in love. Real love, too. Not some naive high school romance. But I was young and cocky, and I let her slip away.
And there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about that.
About what could have been. God, about what should have been.
So heading into the 2012 presidential election, there's really only one piece of advice. Fall in love. Settle down. Make a life together. That's your only hope.
Beyond that, everything is garbage. And Barack Obama and Mitt Romney certainly don't matter.
So long as you have love in your life. A presidential term lasts only four years. But love, love lasts a lifetime.
When I was 18, I fell in love. Real love, too. Not some naive high school romance. But I was young and cocky, and I let her slip away.
And there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about that.
About what could have been. God, about what should have been.
So heading into the 2012 presidential election, there's really only one piece of advice. Fall in love. Settle down. Make a life together. The only thing at all is love.
This is all meaningless. This video doesn't matter. This election doesn't matter. And Barack Obama and Mitt Romney certainly don't matter.
So long as you have love in your life. A presidential term lasts only four years. But love, love lasts a lifetime.
When I was 18, I fell in love. Real love, too. Not some naive high school romance. But I was young and cocky, and I let her slip away.
And there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about that.
About what could have been. God, about what should have been.
So heading into the 2012 presidential election, there's really only one piece of advice. Fall in love. Settle down. Make a life together. That's your only hope.
Beyond that, everything is garbage. Everything is garbage. |
dropout | transformers_go_hollywood | So I was like, I'm the star of Transformers. Huge summer blockbuster, remember?
Good afternoon, gentlemen. Our lunch specials today... What are you guys doing here?
It's me, Leader One, from the Challenge of the GoBots, remember? Challenge of the GoBots?
Never even heard of that. What's that in one of those gay dance shows? No, it was a regular show. Oh yeah, I remember. It was that f**ky rip-off of our show. Actually, our show came out before your show did, so it makes you guys the rip-offs.
Alright. How's that working out for you? Well, the show got cancelled like 20-something years ago, but me personally, I'm doing great. Yeah, that's fascinating.
Did you see our movie? How f**king cool were we? Actually, no, I didn't. We were awesome, isn't it?
I'm sure you were, but... He is! Like I was saying, though, I work here, and then at night, I work in a morgue, so I don't really get to go out much.
But I did just get Netflix, so next chance I get... I'm gonna put that s**t on top of your queue. Yeah, right to the top. Hey, speaking of movies, I got this screenplay I wrote in some more headshots. I'll be right back. I'll put those GoBots, Megatron.
They're f**king stupid. You know what I mean? Hold on to his f**king job. He's like Bumblebee if he was retarded.
Okay, I'm back. Here are some headshots, and this is the screenplay that I wrote in. What up, Soundwave? Chillin' chillin'. Tell Soundwave I said hi. Uh-huh. I don't know, Leroy something from the Gotrons? Yeah, I haven't heard a meter. So anyway, here's some headshots and that screenplay that I wrote. There's a couple parts that I think you guys would be great for.
Give me six gallons of Pennzoil with a twist of passion fruit. Okay, six gallons of Pennzoil with a twist of passion...
Make sure it's just a twist. Just a twist, I understand. I'll send it back if it's more than a twist.
Right, okay. Well, I'll go put your orders in and, you know, while you're waiting, if you just want to take a look at the screenplay... Hey, I have an idea. How about you go get me my latte? Right, right. Coming right up. I'll be right back.
Make sure it's just a twist. Yeah, I got it. I hope he doesn't fuck it up. How did it go? Did they read our screenplay? Oh, it went great. Would you excuse me for just one second? Thanks.
You're a winner. You are not a loser. |
dropout | when_your_boss_promotes_you_without_a_raise | Gwen, we've all been so impressed by everything you've accomplished this year. Thank you, sir. Now, you know Keith is leaving at the end of the month. Meredith and I have been talking. We want to give you his old accounts. Really? Thank you so much. Senior operation specialist, this is a huge leap.
Technically the title will remain vacant. Yeah, but don't worry. It's the same responsibilities. Okay, no title change. It's fine.
A promotion is a promotion. Technically it's not a promotion. For legal reasons, we're calling it a strategic task and assignment reallocation.
STAR star? Getting a star, Gwen!
Yay! Okay. Thank you.
So with more work comes more compensation. Gwen, you're 26, all right? Work is the compensation. Opportunity is currency. Technically, no, but proverbially, yes. So the numbers aren't changing? No, they will. Yeah, they'll be about a 70% increase. In your work. Okay. Am I getting a raise or no? Technically, no, not in your salary. But in every other sense, yes.
There'll be higher expectations. There'll be higher demands. You're going to have a higher desk? A higher desk.
Cool. Sorry. I'm just struggling to get excited about this. Okay. Well, you know, I don't think your colleagues would feel that way.
I mean, how many people have dental at 26? Dental insurance? No, the Colgate account.
The big one. It's so much work. I don't know what to say. Look, Gweny, we know we've put a lot on your plate today. If you feel like you need to work overtime, we can accommodate that. All right?
You're just going to have to fill out these forms. Technically, we can't pay you for OT. No. But you still got to fill out the forms. I don't want to fill out the forms. I don't want to do this.
Well... Gwen, that's going to be an issue because we already gave away your old accounts. To who? I think you know her. You. What? That is you.
You're going to be your own boss. Literally. This is just giving me more work to do. Technically, yes. No. I mean, think of it as an opportunity to have the chance to have to do more work. You know, it's a priceless experience. No.
It has a price. What you pay people to do it. That's the price.
Tell it to the interns, Gwen. Don't tell the interns, please. Thank you. |
dropout | magic_schools_sh_ttier_than_hogwarts | Whoa. J.K. Rowling just announced that there's a bunch more magic schools. Whoa.
Do you know what this means? We might still have a chance to go to a school for witchcraft and wizardry. Do you really think so? Even though we're all old as shit? There's only one way to find out. Trying to find out what school you're going to, eh?
Wait, aren't owls supposed to do this part? Mm, uh, we didn't have the budget for eight owls, so sort me! Mm, very interesting. Siobhan, you are accepted to interval money! Whoa!
It's that new American one. And like other prestigious American schools, this one costs 50,000 galleons a year.
I don't have that kind of money. If you can't afford it, you can fuck right off. Oh, just like real college. Well, that's not true. You can always get a loan. Yes, a wizard loan. Once you take it out, you will feel excruciating pain for ten years. Oh, just like real college.
Isn't there somewhere else I can go? I must be qualified if I got into Ilvermorny. How about Hogwarts's wait list? I could get into Hogwarts. If someone gets accepted but doesn't want to go, you can have the spot.
Does that happen very often? Of course not! It's fucking Hogwarts!
Okay, my turn. Hmm, I could see a student of your caliber fitting in quite nicely at... ...Burgle Bortz Community College! Oh, Community College?
Don't disparage it. You can go there for a few years and then transfer your credits to another school. No, you can't.
It's a magic school in Tennessee founded by Christian fundamentalists. It isn't even accredited by the International Confederation of Wizards. Yeah, it needs to be accredited.
Oh, man. This sucks.
No affiliation. It's an online for-profit magical college. That seems kind of scammy. It is. Magic schools aren't all like what you see in the movies. Some of them are just plain shit. Do you have anything else? What about Squeal Mason? Art school. The graduates decide all the brochures I keep spitting out. No, thanks. Hmm...
New York University! Wait, just like NYU? Yes!
It's not a magic school, is it? They have a very small magic department within the university. That doesn't count. I want to go to a fully magic school with like ghosts and talking paintings and shit.
But it's still something. Plus, the whole city is your campus. That's true. Right? Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
dropout | nerd_alert_boba_fett_is_overrated_with_mc_chris | Welcome to Nerd Alert! I'm Jeff Rubin here with Dorkly's Brian Murphy, College Humor's Pat Cassels, and MC Chris, who you may know from his work as a rapper and on such adult swim shows as Aqua Teen Hunger Force. It is the College Humor all-nighter, it's the middle of the night, and that is the perfect time to argue about Star Wars.
Is Boba Fett overrated? Murph! Boba Fett is super overrated.
The guy's on screen for like five seconds throughout the entire trilogy. He goes out in like a comic way where Han Solo is blind and everyone just loves him just because he has a cool mask. Now Chris, you in your rap, you invoke Boba Fett like other rappers talk about Scarface. He's like shorthand for the biggest badass in the universe. Are you gonna stand for this?
Well, I think, you know, I think he's underrated for the very reasons that you brought up. You know, I think people assume that he is kind of a pushover, easy to get rid of, and really like the Sarlacc couldn't even digest him, and Dengar had to pull him out of there and nurse him back to health. And like, Dengar was his best man at his wedding, you know, so it's like he really paid him back.
So now we're getting into stuff that's kind of outside the realm of the movies where... Outside of the realm of the movies, sure, but not outside of the realm. But it's got to get outside the realm of the movies because everybody saw the cool mask and they're like, oh, this guy died in a really stupid way, but he had a cool rocket pack.
So he's easily gotten rid of, but how did he get to that point? Why was everyone so afraid of him? Why did Darth Vader give him that job? These were some really important questions, you know? And that's why they made the prequels to kind of fill in those blanks.
Plus his dad also went out like a punk too. His dad just got straight up decapitated.
Well, I mean, Mace... Mace Windu is a Jedi master, man. I don't know what going out like a punk means to you, but... I mean, it was punk. You think he could take Mace?
No, I didn't say that. I would never say that. I didn't say he could take Mace. I'm just saying, like, you got his head chopped off. It wasn't like... I gotta say this really quick.
In the cartoons, Mace Windu, very fast, impossible to beat. In the movies, incredibly slow, easy to beat. He's just like, I'm gonna kill you, Jango Fett. Jango Fett runs up to him, like, about as fast as my dad does across the yard. And then he slices off his head, but he's just like... I think Boma Fett is a lot like Jesus in the fact that we don't know the most interesting stuff.
Okay, and that is yet to be told in a new TV show or whatever that got coming up. I'm glad you bring up that TV show because George Lucas says he has written 50 hours of it, though it is unclear if it will ever be produced. Not that it affects how many people are going to watch it, but can it possibly be good, Pat? I'm holding out hope for this series. I know he's scorned us many a time and the Expanded Universe has just had so many shortcomings, but what I've read about this series makes it sound kind of cool.
It's about the rise of the Empire. I've heard it described, and I'm sure I'm probably going to piss off Star Wars fans and Wire fans saying this, but it's like Star Wars meets the Wire because it involves a lot of criminal underlords on Coruscant. Also, Coruscant is like the coolest part of the Star Wars universe. It's like the entire planet's a city. It's like 7000 layers deep. It's like Baltimore. It's the Baltimore Star Wars universe.
And then like Boma Fett's like Omar, so kids can be right up to it. Boma Fett's calling him! There's apparently a rumor that because George Lucas canceled this one book that was going to fill in some of that Boma Fett backstory, there's some speculation that the TV show's going to be about him or he'll be a sad character.
Definitely. He's like the Wild Bill of Deadwood for this show. He's like a real character. You're like, oh, you're going to get to see a young version of him or whatever. He anchors it into reality by giving you it into the show.
How bad would Star Wars have to get before people stop caring about every little Star Wars thing George Lucas releases? When they tell the Yoda story, that means it's over. Once we find out who Yoda is, Yoda's got a 500, over 500 year story. I think this is like the goldmine of the Star Wars universe.
And obviously they're not touching it with a 10 foot pole and you've got to ask why. Why? That's a great point. I don't know. I'm thinking new movies. It's the one thing that they don't talk about. Do you guys think Star Wars is maybe like a new Batman and it's just going to be around for like 100 years? I don't think so.
Batman is a folktale that kind of changes with the times. Like it happened right in the beginning of World War II and even like with 9-11, it became really gritty and realistic and campy in the 60s. Batman's like whatever we need it to be.
Star Wars is just like whatever we're given. I cannot think of a better way to close out this party than with some Star Wars trivia. You actually just said that sentence. Let's go to the obsessed with Star Wars. Test your knowledge of a galaxy far, far away book.
Everyone gets one question. Whoever gets it right has their opinion for the day validated. Murph, you're up first. All right. Question 1594 for Murph.
I don't even want to hear the rest. Correct. I feel bad. I got it right, you guys. I knew everything about Star Wars.
Pat, for how long does a Sarlacc digest the creatures it swallows? A, a thousand days. B, a few days. C, a month. D, 100 years. 100 years. Incorrect. What? A, a thousand years. I said a thousand days. You did say a thousand days.
No, I didn't. I might have, I might have. Do you want to redo that one? Yeah, I would have said it was the highest number that you were saying.
Pat, how tall was Siboba in meters? Is the answer A. Siboba, you of course remember from the pottery scene. Is Siboba A, 1.2 meters.
B, 1.14 meters. 0.6 meters shorter. 0.06 meters shorter. C, 1.12 meters. R, D, 1.09 meters.
Just basically pick a number between one and four. Um, what were the options again?
Yeah, there's like one guy who knows this answer. He's like, okay, okay, now just tell me, tell me the numbers again. I mean, Pat, like, I know everything about Star Wars. Like, I got mine right. I'm one for one. That's 100%.
If you can't do this, then like, you can't hang here. Pat, we're going to do the answer. A. A, 1.2 meters. Incorrect. Ah, too bad, Pat. Sorry, dude.
I know that's the second most famous pod racer, man. Come on. Arguably the first. All right, all right, we're going on, Chris. You're getting question two, three, nine, eight. We're going all the way to the back of the book here. Ready? My career hangs in the balance here. Chris, how many turbo blasters does a standard moon cow cruiser contain?
Is the answer 1.2, 1.8? Is the answer A32, B48, C90, or D6? I'm going to say D. That is incorrect. The correct answer is B7. At least his were broken out of this single unit, not 18ths of a unit. Increments of an inch.
Guys, this was really fun. I almost certainly would have gotten a question right, but I just don't have time. Thank you to Chris for joining us. Thank you to Pat and Murph. Here is CGY, our band special effects of the week. Later, losers. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_it_s_a_wonderful_life | It's a Wonderful Life. Frank Capra's holiday classic about why you should always wait to see what your friends get you for Christmas before killing yourself is among the most cherished movies in all of cinema. Here's some trivia that will change the way you watch It's a Wonderful Life forever. George Bailey, the film's smoking, drinking, disabled person assaulting antagonist, was likely based on the devil himself. If you were wondering what Mary wished for in this scene, you bet your ass it was a rotisserie chicken record player. Way to go, Mary. Capra originally shot a scene meant to explain why Mr. Potter is so grumpy all the time where we find out that he works the Christmas day shift at Hooters, but it got left on the cutting room floor. A lesser known sequel was eventually produced many years later, which followed the timeline of what would have happened had George gone through with his suicide.
Recognize this crow? Recognize this goat? Recognize this creep?
All played by a young Chloe Grace Moretz. The character of Uncle Billy marked an important moment for Hollywood's representation of useless fuck-ups who ruin everything around them and need to get their shit together ASAP. This is super interesting. Did you know that literally no one fucking likes this guy? Except me. I like him a lot. Bet you missed this cameo by none other than Hollywood legend Bo Bergdahl.
See how low George Bailey sinks into his chair here? That's because Jimmy Stewart envisioned his character as having no ass whatsoever. Zero donk. A flat nae nae. Negative anus, if you will.
Director Frank Capra managed to get this dramatic performance by hiring a really good professional actor. This is interesting. Apparently Matthew Broderick killed two people in a car accident in 1987. In a later interview, Jimmy Stewart said that out of all the movies he'd ever done, It's A Wonderful Life was his favorite DVD to spank Alfred Hitchcock with. Remember this crow? It's A Wonderful Life marks the third time she played Jimmy Stewart's on-screen boss. Well there you have it folks. Really makes you think how movies would be different if It's A Wonderful Life never existed. See you next time. |
cracked | the_real_reason_texting_and_driving_is_bad | Just tell it okay, okay, okay, okay, man. I I don't even know where to start There we go. Yeah, I Mean it sounds so silly now.
I Texted my friend About a movie. I mean, I don't even remember which one I was just in that home alone. I was on a date I asked my roommate to text up civic time just in case it wasn't going well. I had no idea at the time, but But she was driving when I texted her he was in the car Was driving the text I got back it.
Yeah, it's funny. I still look at it. Sometimes I saved it Of course, I saved it.
It says what you dueling three brow do gel foods chicken want the Raven house Chop cunt, it's bad Chop cunt. It's bad quotation mark That's it. I mean, what the hell does that even mean? Logistically D is nowhere near why on the keyboard. He has a three in it He had to go into the second function to do that.
I just I Feel like words are what make the world coherent and and and this Yeah, I wish you had been drunk. I've gotten drunk text from him that are more comprehensible than this Huh, oh she died, you know, it was weeks later It was like a like a brain thing |
dropout | whit_radio | Power 102 FM plays today's hit music. I love to wake up to it. It keeps me going at work. They play all of my favorite music without any of that rap. All the greatest hits of the 80s, 90s, and today, all on one radio station. No one's got the variety Power 102 has. Got music you can dance to. And actually understand the words. Power 102 has music that fits you. Like your clothes should. They're playing music I remember growing up to, but also the best hits of today.
Yeah, and they've got none of that rap. And no Lenny Kravitz. Power 102 is a station for people like you. It's the superior choice. It's music you can listen to without bothering everybody in the park. I don't like R&B either. No Will Smith, no Beyonce. Other radio stations make me feel uncomfortable. And no booty. I'm sorry, what station is this?
Wake up at 6 a.m. with Steve and Steve, your Grand Wizards of the Morning, and drive home with Marty Lynch and the Mob. Those guys are crazy. They're funny and they totally rap.
All your favorite music. All the best hits.
WHIT Power. Power 102 FM. Power.
It's got no music by black people. |
dropout | the_absolutely_terrifying_endless_pasta_bowl | When we deliver it to your table, each bowl emits a blue supernatural light as you and your family are caught, trance-like, in sublime horror of the infinite, unforgiving expanse of the universe. You can see your deepest fears, your own death, and even the end of the world as you know it. And if you look hard enough into the bowl, the bowl looks into you.
And our basil marinara is delicima.
Is it a portal to hell? Who knows? Is it a vision of heaven?
Sure. If that's what you need to tell yourself to forget that all of us will die, but the terrifyingly silent, never-ending cold vacuum of space will live forever. And at just $9.99 with one soft drink refill, who offers a better deal? So, are you feeling frightened? Don't be. Are you feeling hungry? Then come on in to Tuscantares and try our all new Bottomless Boundless Endless |
CrackerMilk | sketch_comedy_that_ll_put_you_on_a_watchlist | You got a hole in your shirt you got a hole in your butt who told you what you can never leave Fly you fool He sneezes like a girl He screams like a girl He pees like a girl You got a friend in me You've got a friend in me when the Hey Elias, that coffee was amazing. Can I have another? Yeah, man. Thanks Everything in our coffee is homegrown from the beans to the milk. That's really environmentally friendly, but Where do you keep the cows? Oh Did you want cream hey bet you can't do a cool trick shot Hey, I Can't sleep. I'll see you soon Hey Thank you You know, even though we completely disagree on religion and politics and gay marriage I still consider you one of my greatest friends. Do you want to come back to mine and watch some anime? Yeah, as long as it's dumped. I can't stand that sub Japanese bullshit And that's why I should have more time on the Xbox and remember mom did say it was my turn now I will present my PowerPoint presentation to give more evidence further more Hahahaha, yeah, it's been really great.
I've just been spending my time inside playing games You've never catch me wasting my life playing video games What Ah He's going to kill us all what do we do run You must do it now Your nose man, it's so big I So sorry He died a hero Thank God you here. Dr. Tom. He actually ate peanuts. He's definitely allergic and I don't know what to do This is so sad, can we reach 50 likes?
It worked He likes Hey, fuck you, man Hey, fuck you mate. Go fuck yourself. Why don't you go fuck yourself cunt? I've kept your receipt and I'm taking you straight back to Ikea.
Now what's going on? You sit on my face Hey, dude, you should put on some sunscreen I don't sunburn Hey, hey, how about you put on some sunscreen and show me some goddamn respect Who ate my chocolate cake him It's escaped Oh You're going home 10 9 8 7 6 I can't see I can't see I can't see anything I can't see anything What's the date? What's the date? January 1st.
Oh my god. I have 20 20 vision Man, being a toy from Toy Story would suck. What you don't have a dick you live forever kind of sex Make love have a family Just kill myself Oh Why don't you ring your seatbelt? You didn't even move Yes, Jimi Hendrix, oh Man, I love 60s music. Hey, I was born in the wrong generation The people who live before us went through some fucked up wars Have some respect you don't know the things I've been through dude, you got no respect for the sacrifices.
I'm out on that battlefield I don't understand the map says the treasure should be right here. What if there is no treasure? What if the map meant the journey? For the friendships we made along the way The treasure was inside me all along Oh Elias you're my best friend Guess who's back and look what I've got Yeah, look at that look at that You |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cameron_the_blackbird_saturday_night_live | Scientists are investigating why 5,000 red-winged blackbirds fell out of the sky over Arkansas on New Year's Day, here now to help explain this Arkansas native and a lone survivor from this bizarre incident, Cameron the Red-winged Blackbird. Hello. Hey, Cameron, buddy. how you holding up? I'm pretty good, Seth, you know, except for everyone I ever knew, all dying all around me at the same time.
Yeah, amazing. So, uh, yeah. So what happened up there, man? Well, I've considered many theories, you know, fireworks or power lines, but only one makes sense. it's the end of days for birds, Seth. you mean the apocalypse? No. the-a-flock-a-lips. squawk, squawk, squawk! a-a-flock-a-lips, like apocalypse for birds? Yeah. yeah. Well, look, Cameron, scientists are saying, you know, it was probably just like a hailstorm. Well, if it was a hailstorm, then how come all those fish are dying, too? okay, right. it was also reported that thousands of fish died in the Arkansas River, but I heard that was totally unrelated to the bird deaths.
Well, that's not what my friend says. who's your friend? I am! Who are you?
I'm Everett the Fish, Cameron. Everett. Okay, so, Everett, what do you think happened?
Seth, I have numerous theories, but the only one that makes sense to me is the Ap wide- Apocalypse. But tell me guys, why would the apocalypse and the Ap surprise has happened at the exact same time? Well, there's a small chance that we made God angry. How?
Well, Everett and I have lain together. you know, Seth, lain together? So you two are? a couple. we are an item. I don't mean to pry, but where do a bird and a fish even meet? Like right where the top of the water meets the bottom of the sky. it's the surface. the surface. it's called the surface, Seth. right, right. Well, look, guys, I'm sure the fact that you've been laying together has nothing to do with the bird and fish deaths.
Then the only other explanation would be the ending of the Oprah Winfrey Show. Oprah? that's right, Seth. the O-proc-a-lamps. you, you, you get a car. she's very generous. she's very generous. you're the black bird and you're the fish, Everyone. we love you. go get it. we love you. we love you. we love you. go get it. we love you. we love you. we love you. we love you. we love you. we love you. we love you. we love you. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sports_nose_wrestling_saturday_night_live | Here Live ringside at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, where we will be bringing you the Heavyweight Nose Wrestling Championship of the World. He between 1979 Champion James James Walker and the 1978 Champion Scott Buckman. Let's take a look at James Walker right now. James is famous for his famous Shana Zola Septum grinder. Yeah, he lost to Scotty earlier this year. You could tell just by looking at James James. he is a complete study of concentration. and this of course is Scotty Buckman. the originator of the Coco Beak Butt. Yeah, the complete professional. totally dedicated. The tension is building here as we get set to go. The stage is set for this exciting match And nose wrestling began back in the 1970s when it was a sport then dominated mostly by Italians and Jews. Look at James James Walker, he's a bit finicky. Now this might be a psych-out tactic or he just might have some vaseline on his nose.
I don't think so. Buckman wants to get started. What is Bockman doing here? What? we can't figure out exactly what?
Look at that move by Bockman. Unbelievable. Snuck right up on James James. Here we go. Looks like Bockman is getting the best of James. he's getting him. he's got that too much spread in his nostril. Unbelievable. he's getting. he's getting James James down. he's gonna get a no wait. Jesus coming back. Oh My. God, James Making a comeback. This is unbelievable.
Bockman seems to be hurting. Yes, he's hurting. Look at that pain in both these fighters faces.
Unbelievable. What? Nose straight? Incredible right there. |
dropout | boost_mobile_mystery_phone | Hey everyone, I'm Streeter Seidel and this is Mystery Phone presented by Boost Mobile. Here's how it's gonna work. We're gonna leave this phone on a park bench and then call it. Whoever picks up, we're gonna ask them to do something embarrassing on this spot.
If they do it, we pay them. If they don't, we don't.
Simple as that. Hello? How would you like to make some money right now? Yeah, of course.
You have to stand there and play air guitar for three minutes. If you do that, I will give you $50.
Looks like he's tuning up right now. Feel like he's playing mostly chords right now? Oh, he's up on the bench. He's got some crowd interaction.
Come on. You wanna play it? Play it. Play a little bit with me. Come on. Come on, play. Here, you wanna play?
No?
All right. It's all right.
Just rocking out.
Feel the noise. He's done enough of his money. Let's go get stuck to this.
Hey, excellent. Thanks, man. Well, here's your $50. Awesome. Spend it wisely. Thanks for playing. Thanks.
Hello? How would you like to win some money?
Always. You have to go up to strangers walking by and talk to them as if you went to high school with them. Excuse me. Did we go to high school together? No, no, no. I'm from Brazil. Excuse me, ma'am.
She's chasing this poor old woman.
Oh. Okay. I actually went to school in Brazil for a year. This is so awkward.
Wait, on Saturdays? On Saturdays?
Oh. I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Hi. Did we go to high school together? Sarah. Right? Yeah.
We did.
How you been? Oh, really? No, I'm joking. I'm the one who called me.
And I think you've earned your $50. Awesome. Make sure you put that away very quickly because you are in a New York public park and you will get money for that.
Hello? Hey, how'd you like to make some money right now?
All you got to do is high five people walking by. I will give you money for every high five that you managed to get. High five, man.
There he goes. That's one. Wow. Right off the bat.
Caught a high five immediately. Five. Just a quick high five.
Well, I'm not getting, I get money. You might get decked in the face.
I just want to high five. Whoa. All right. Hey, high five, girls. Come on. It's what? What? Oh, that was a good one. Hey, high five. What's up? How are you? Just a high five. Yes. Yeah. High five. Oh, I don't know if that counts. Elbow. All right. What do you want? Just high five.
That's it.
There's 20. High five. No big deal. Just high five.
Yeah? Hey, hey. Yeah.
Calm down, man. Calm down.
What?
I'm the guy who called. I called. You were doing pretty good, man.
You called 45 high fives. I'm going to give you a dollar per high five. I'll loan an extra five bucks.
Oh, thanks, dude. And make this an even 50 for you. There you go, sir. Can I give you one word of advice, though? Yeah. Watch your hands. |
TheOnion | Host_Leslie_Price_Confronts_The_Cursed_Scratching_Within_His_Walls_The_Topical_Episode_47 | The bats are in the walls. They are trying to get in here. They are trying to get in and put me in the walls. Ah! Hello? Let me out! The bats are putting me in the walls!
Stop it!
The Topical is presented by CashApp, the easiest way to send and receive money. Trust me, family court judges know how easy it is and they won't be fooled when you say it's too confusing and you get stuck and that's why you're so behind on child support so don't bother trying. Download CashApp today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical.
The beasts have come. The beasts have come for their tithing and tributes.
Oh, but what is this? The sound of one alone? Have you joined as one for only one scratch persists?
Though I suppose I could turn on the lights and open the drapes for that. And now for my mallet. Ah, yes! My mallet! My trusty bedside mallet!
Every nail, claw, scale, and spur, every spike and welt on the hand of that heathen brute was like barbed steel. Everybody said there was no honed iron hard enough to pierce him through, no proofed blade that could cut his brutal blood-caked claw.
Will you shut up, Leslie? I am trying to hear where that incessant noise is coming from. Oh, well excuse me for trying to class this joint up a bit. I see you barely bothered to get dressed today. Again? Oh, you're one to talk. You're right. How about we both stop talking so I can hear? How about shh, shh, shut up!
No, you!
Boys, boys, we are all going to die in here if you both don't shut the ever-loving fuck up.
Sorry, Leslie.
Better? Now kiss and make up.
Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
Enough of that for now. We have our whole lives for that. It's time to slay the beast before the beast slays us. Leslie, my mallet. Here you are.
Hey, shut the fuck up! What are you doing up there? Shh, the floor. It speaks. Silence, floor!
And the walls. The wretched scratching of the walls.
Am I going to just lie back and die in here alone and naked, drinking can after can of Progresso clam chowder just because some coronavirus says so? Or am I going to die with my shirt on and soupless with dignity? It's not my time yet.
I've never been to the Mall of America.
I've never seen my internet bride in the flesh. And somewhere she is out there, hopefully nowhere near my real wife, Erin. Is it Erin or Sandy or Ray Joel?
No time for that now. Leslie, Anne Price doesn't go down without a fight. It's time for my escape. I will not be a prisoner.
Me Getty outie. You cannot cage this tiger. Me Getty outie.
Got a pain in your brain? Or maybe something is clogging your noggin?
Jesus Christ, who writes this shit? I bet it was that intern Kelly. God, she's terrible.
Anyway, I want to tell you about BetterHelp. BetterHelp assesses your needs and matches you with your own licensed professional therapist securely and online. Since we began social distancing at OPR, I'm no longer able to express my anger at my co-workers directly to their stupid, drooling faces. But that's okay, because BetterHelp has allowed me to work out my anger in other, healthier ways. You'll get timely and thoughtful responses, plus you can schedule weekly video and phone sessions. It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling, and financial aid is available, which will be great for Kelly when she's out of a job. BetterHelp is not a crisis line, and it's also not self-help.
It's neither a fruit nor a vegetable, and it's not a letter of the alphabet in any language.
Oh yeah, this was definitely Kelly. God, and there are like four more pages of this shit? I'm just going to jump to the promo. And here's a special offer just for topical listeners. You can get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash topical. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P slash topical. Ah, and hey Kelly, if you're listening, you're now officially fired from home.
We are not prisoners. We are not prisoners!
Now I know DIY home evasion can be an intimidating undertaking for first-time quarantine breakers, but don't you worry. You're on the line with a pro, and I'll go slow and steady so you can follow along. First, the tools. You'll need whatever's in your kitchen junk drawer, or I suppose for this tutorial, whatever's in my kitchen junk drawer. So, a trial-sized toothpaste, a scotch tape, a flashlight, and hot damn, a pickle in a bag.
Now just tape it all on you like so. You'll need all the padding you can muster. Plenty of toilet paper on there too. And cover with a winter coat. Or two if they stack.
And rest assured all these steps have been vetted and given the go-ahead by the Council of Scientific Voices echoing through my head and walls. This is a good time to choose your exit point if you haven't already.
And if you're not sure which, just let God tell you. He's right there. Hey, uh, which window did you say? That one? You sure? Okay, you got it big guy. Now this is very important.
We need to fashion a mask out of something to either keep the virus inside of us if we have it, or outside of us if we don't. Basically no air can come in or out for the safety of yourself and others. We can try this cling wrap again maybe.
Who's there? Sleep zone. We have your mattress.
Ahoy! Meet me at the bow of the ship.
What? Leave it right down there please. Hello? Up here. Yeah, me. No, the other guy wearing oven mitts and ski goggles. Hello? Waving here? Yeah, Kai, I see you. You want me to leave it out here? You sure?
The delivery charge includes door to door. It won't do me any good up here. Put it right below the window where I'd land.
What? It won't do me any good. I need you to sign for it. What? I need you to sign for it. Ow!
I'll just come down. I said it won't do me any good up there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just sign here saying you approved the delivery. Um, my mitts. Alright, we're done. Leave it right there under the window where I'll land. And for your troubles, help yourself to any leaf you'd like off my lawn. But only one. I'll know if you take more. Alright. Now, normally when you're attempting to jump out of a window onto a mattress, it's widely advised to buy the queen size or larger. But personally, I'll be escaping onto a twin because I have impeccable aim. And also it was on clearance. Ah, okay.
Where were we, dear listeners? Ah, yes, apply the snorkel, but be sure to plug the air hole with more useless toilet paper. Alright, head to the window above your safety mattress and... Hey, wait! You have it all the way over there! I need it like 15 feet this way. What? Oh, for the love of...
I'll just do it. Can't pay anyone to do a goddamn thing right anymore. Gotta do it your goddamn self.
Oh, jeez, I forgot how small a twin is. Really gonna have to be a bullseye. Oh, wait a second. I have an idea. So, listeners. You're lucky to have me. Because I'm the brainiac that just realized there is no way to miss the mattress if you jump with the mattress. Now we're cooking.
And so, my dear listeners, the only thing left to do is escape. Escape once and for all the shackles placed upon you by the oppressive health officials ruling this once free land. From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is Leslie Price. Follow me into the light! Wait! I should have got the queen. We are not prisoners! Now I know DIY home evasion can be an intimidating undertaking for first-time quarantine breakers.
But don't you worry. You're on the line with a pro. And I'll go slow and steady so you can follow along.
First, the tools. You'll need whatever's in your kitchen junk drawer. Or, I suppose for this tutorial, whatever's in my kitchen junk drawer. So, a trial-sized toothpaste, a scotch tape, a flashlight, and hot damn, a pickle in a bag.
Now just tape it all on you like so. You'll need all the padding you can muster. Plenty of toilet paper on there too. And cover with a winter coat. Or two if they stack.
And rest assured, all these steps have been vetted and given the go-ahead by the Council of Scientific Voices echoing through my head and walls. This is a good time to choose your exit point if you haven't already.
And if you're not sure which, just let God tell you. He's right there. Hey, uh, which window did you say? That one? You sure? Okay, you got it big guy. Now this is very important.
We need to fashion a mask out of something to either keep the virus inside of us if we have it, or outside of us if we don't. Basically no air can come in or out for the safety of yourself and others. We can try this cling wrap again maybe.
Who's there? Sleep zone. We have your mattress.
Ahoy! Meet me at the bow of the ship!
What? Leave it right down there please. Hello? Up here. Yeah, me. No, the other guy wearing oven mitts and ski goggles. Hello? Waving here? Yeah, Kai, I see you. You want me to leave it out here? You sure?
The delivery charge includes door to door. It won't do me any good up here. Put it right below the window where I'd land.
What? It won't do me any good. I need you to sign for it. What? I need you to sign for it.
I'll just come down. I said it won't do me any good up there. Yeah, just sign here saying you approved the delivery. Um, my mitts. All right, we're done. Leave it right there under the window where I'll land. And for your troubles, help yourself to any leaf you'd like off my lawn. But only one. I'll know if you take more. All right.
Now, normally when you're attempting to jump out of a window onto a mattress, it's widely advised to buy the queen size or larger. But personally, I'll be escaping onto a twin because I have impeccable aim.
And also it was on clearance. Ah, okay. Where were we, dear listeners? Ah, yes, apply the snorkel, but be sure to plug the air hole with more useless toilet paper. All right, head to the window above your safety mattress and... Hey, wait, you have it all the way over there. I need it like 15 feet this way.
What? Oh, for the love of...
I'll just do it. Can't pay anyone to do a goddamn thing right anymore. Gotta do it your goddamn self.
Oh, jeez, I forgot how small a twin is. Really gonna have to be a bullseye. Wait a second. I have an idea. So, listeners, you're lucky to have me because I'm the brainiac that just realized there is no way to miss the mattress if you jump with the mattress. Now we're cooking.
And so, my dear listeners, the only thing left to do is escape. Escape once and for all the shackles placed upon you by the oppressive health officials ruling this once free land. From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is Leslie Price.
Follow me into the light! Light! I should have got the queen.
Just let God tell you. He's right there. Hey, which window did you say? That one? You sure? Okay, you got it, big guy. Now, this is very important.
We need to fashion a mask out of something to either keep the virus inside of us if we have it or outside of us if we don't. Basically, no air can come in or out for the safety of yourself and others. We can try this cling wrap again, maybe.
Who's there? Sleep zone, we have your mattress. Ahoy, meet me at the bow of the ship. What? Leave it right down there, please. Hello? Up here. Yeah, me. No, the other guy wearing up admits and ski goggles. Hello? Waving here? Yeah, Kai, I see you. You want me to leave it out here? You sure?
The delivery charge includes door to door. It won't do me any good up here. Put it right below the window where I'd land.
What? It won't do me any good. I need you to sign for it. What? I need you to sign for it.
I'll just come down. I said it won't do me any good up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just sign here saying you approve the delivery. Um, my mitts. All right, we're done. Leave it right there under the window where I'll land. And for your troubles, help yourself to any leaf you'd like off my lawn. But only one. I'll know if you take more. All right.
Now, normally when you're attempting to jump out of a window onto a mattress, it's widely advised to buy the queen size or larger. But personally, I'll be escaping onto a twin because I have impeccable aim.
And also it was on clearance. Ah, okay. Where were we, dear listeners? Ah, yes, apply the snorkel, but be sure to plug the air hole with more useless toilet paper. All right, head to the window above your safety mattress and... Hey, wait, you have it all the way over there. I need it like 15 feet this way.
What? Oh, for the love of...
I'll just do it. Can't pay anyone to do a goddamn thing right anymore. Gotta do it your goddamn self.
Oh, jeez, I forgot how small a twin is. Really gonna have to be a bullseye. Oh, wait a second. I have an idea. So, listeners, you're lucky to have me because I'm the brainiac that just realized there is no way to miss the mattress... ...if you jump with the mattress. Now we're cooking.
And so, my dear listeners, the only thing left to do is escape. Escape once and for all the shackles placed upon you by the oppressive health officials ruling this once free land. From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is Leslie Price.
Follow me into the light! No! Oh, God. I should have got the queen. |
dropout | support_women_if_you_know_one_ch_shorts | Did you know marginalized people are suffering from sexism, homophobia, classism, racism? These are our mothers, our daughters, our sisters, our wives, and we need to protect their access to equal pay, equal rights, and respect because of their proximity to us.
That's it. That's the reason. That's why we care. Yes.
When it came to stuff like donating to Planned Parenthood, I used to take a very strong no opinion don't bother me with this bull crap stance. But then I remembered my sister goes there all the time. My sister, mine, my own flesh and blood, someone related to me. This wasn't just some random woman, you know, someone you don't care about. This was my sister. I like my sister.
Stop. That's when I realized. Come on. No. Stop.
Maybe there's something to this whole women's rights thing. When I got invited to my first airport protest, I thought, no way, I'm busy, there's a big game today. But then I remembered, wait, my wife is Brown. Yeah, it took some convincing, but I finally got through to him that, yes, I'm Brown and I don't want to be harassed at the airport. And because she's my wife, and for no other reason at all, I'll support whatever discrimination she doesn't like. I don't like any discrimination. Now I know what you're thinking.
Women are people. Well, yeah, they are, kind of. They're our friends. Our cousins. Our lovers. Our lovers' cousins. Our secretaries.
And those individuals by virtue of the fact that we know them and they are therefore in our orbit deserve rights. Deserve rights. For the most part. Deserve rights.
Think about it like this. Pretend you don't know a woman. It's pretty easy to say, fuck her, she can die, I don't care. But now, pretend you do know her. It's my mommy.
Makes you think, doesn't it? Makes you think. Makes me think.
Every time we beg for our rights. Every time we march the streets.
Just remember, I'm a human being that exists in the world. I deserve your respect. Your ear. And I'm literally married to you. God, Jesus. |
dropout | vampire_doesn_t_feel_invited | Hey! Come on in! Welcome! Appetize to their drinks! Are you gonna come in, or?
So, I'm a vampire, so you kinda have to, like...
Oh! God, I'm sorry.
Uh, you are invited. Are you sure, though, that it sounded like a pity invite? I don't want a pity invite.
No! What?
Everyone's here. Raph made tapas. They're garlic-free.
Oh, I just came from dinner. Yeah, I'm actually pretty tired.
I was just chased by a giant mob with pitchforks.
Um, I remember I had this volunteer thing that I did. Where do you volunteer?
Mmm, just like a... Yeah, I'm just pretty tired.
It just sounds like you don't think you're invited, Katie, and you're absolutely welcome to come in. I should just hit the coffin early. Uh, Katie, please. You are invited.
Are you sure, though? Because I am a blood-sucking monster, and that can be scary. Don't say that about yourself. You are great. Hey, Rekha, I need you to settle a debate.
What was the most bittersweet part of Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Men Tell No Tales? It's when Blackbeard had his firstborn, and it was a daughter?
Ugh!
Oh my God, she's gonna grow up to be such a cool woman.
Huh? Katie, please. Come on in. Katie, what did you think? You saw that movie, right?
Um, no, I haven't, and I don't want to intrude. You guys have your movie club. It's not a movie club. Well, you guys are talking about movies, and I can't really go to the theater unless it's super late at night, and sometimes I'll invite people, and usually they say no, and then sometimes I don't want to face the rejection, so I don't even invite anyone.
Sad. Katie, please come in. In fact, here. It's actually V-I-T-C-H.
I think you meant this for someone else. Who else would want a blood option? I don't know, maybe Raphael, or Ally, or View. No, none of us want that. Maybe subconsciously you intended that to go to a Katie Marovitch without the T? This was meant for you.
I want you to come into my apartment. Are you sure? Come on in.
You don't mean it. Yes, I do! Really? Yes! You don't mean it.
Please, Katie. You're invited. Come inside my home. Okay. Yes! Come on in.
Take a load off. Relab. Get home and see if you can grab a drink. Guys, it's already morning.
Ally, no!
Who wants tapas? Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. Okay. Who wants tapas? Oh, yeah, for sure. Come on in.
You don't mean it. Yes, I do! Really? Yes! You don't mean it. I do! Really? Yes! You don't mean it.
Please, Katie. You're invited. Come inside my home. Okay. Yes! Come on in.
Take a load off. Relab. Get home and see if you can grab a drink. Guys, it's already morning.
Ally, no!
Who wants tapas? Oh, yeah, for sure. |
TheOnion | iraqi_law_requires_waiting_period_for_suicide_vests | I'm Juliana Mechanis, sitting in for Clifford Bains, who is at a Michael Kors sample sale.
The Iraqi government is currently debating a new law which would create a mandatory five-day waiting period for the purchase of all explosive suicide vests. Is this a violation of an Iraqi citizen's right to own a suicide bomb? No, this law is good. It's a waiting period. Just make sure if someone is going to blow themselves up, he's had the time to think about the decision.
We don't need new suicide vest laws. What we just need to do is enforce the ones that are already in place. And look at the restrictions that are already on the suicide vests. You can't have napalm, for example, and nuclear vests you can't have. I don't think it is fair to be treated as a criminal for simply using a suicide vest in a responsible and proper manner.
We're looking for a waiting period. That's all we're asking. I mean, I would like to see an outright ban myself. I don't know why we need these.
How are you going to take out people? Large amounts of people.
Right. Absolutely. I mean, there are so many practical uses. Certainly. Settling legitimate family feuds, unpaid dowries, perhaps. Right.
And it's part of a collector's item for the embroidery, for instance. Very beautiful. The colors of the wires and the way they are branded. You know that this industry has only one goal, and that goal is to sell more vests.
They don't care who blows up. They don't care if you're young or old. They don't care if you're a Sunni or Shiite. No. They do care who they blow up.
Number two, the way I knew them growing up, it was a tradition. The family got around.
Right. They gathered explosives from around the neighborhood and built a vest. There are many suicide vest enthusiasts who feel that Iraq should not ban them outright, but should simply focus on training and education. I agree. If you have a suicide vest, you want to separate the detonator from the vest itself, you know.
You have to keep children safe. I also think it is a bad idea to give it to children.
It's a waste. They're very short, and the exploding shrapnel is usually flying too low to do any damage whatsoever.
Right. If you're going to use a suicide vest, you just get yourself to a range and demonstrate you know how to use it. Certainly.
And if you're going to have one, make sure you keep them away from kerosene-soaked American flags.
This is how my brother died. He just... Oh, that's terrible. Well, he was careless. I mean... Yeah. |
SaturdayNightLive | home_videos_snl | David, could you look in the cabinet for the Tv remote? my leg's hurting something awful tonight. yeah, sure, dad. Oh, whoa. are these. oh, movies? yep. your father always had that camera out. do you mind if I put them on? I'd love that. let's just be quiet. we don't want to wake up grandma. shh.
I miss those days. the only thing I don't miss are those grass stains. to you. Oh, wow. my third birthday. you just about ate that whole darn cake.
What's this one, Dad? that is the day that I found out I was going to be a daddy. come on. pop it in. she likes to sleep around and he's a blow gas liar. there's just one thing we don't know. it's Steve the father. You know you are, Ray. your deadbeat ass is the dead. admit it. No. that baby don't even look like me. How can I be the daddy? What is this? it's the Cory Durvit show. we owe a lot to that good man. Amen. Amber has a six-month-old baby named David and she's convinced that the father is Ray, a man she met at a backyard wrestling event. yo, yo, yo, yo. I just want to say one thing. she a hoe. Dad. No, shh. watch this part.
Now, how y'all know I'm the daddy when she be sleeping with everybody. Well, of course I've been sleeping with everybody.
I got this ass, don't I? I got this ass, don't I? there's another man who might be the father.
And here he is, Amber's co-worker at Gamestop, Zach Barbacano, a.k.a.
Spooky. Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. there, okay, shut up, shut up. What the hell is Spooky? We have a question in the audience from Amber's mother. I have a question for Spooky. You need to tell me that the entire time you were sleeping with my daughter, you were also sleeping with me? I don't even like that. Oh, so that ain't me, bitch. it's spooky. spooky. Spooky. Spooky. you even shared this is a baby?
I mean, look at this thing. you look like a damn Benjamin Button. Stay with me, y'all.
Ugly Baby.
Well, we have the results right here. whatever happens, I still plan on being in this baby's life. when it comes to six-month-old David, Spooky, you are Not the father. Yes! that is real, y'all. come on. hold y'all. don't. stop. that's so embarrassing. baby. What? will you marry me? Oh, no. Get away from me. Yes, Spooky. go on, son. that's why you need a cane? Yeah, you told me it was a skiing accident. Look, son, I know it's a lot to take in. it doesn't matter where we started. look at us now. we are a family. and we love each other. Oh. looks like Grandma's new nurse is here. let's go, Linda. talk to your medication. I switched the results. that is real, y'all. |
SaturdayNightLive | i_just_had_sex_snl_digital_short | Sometimes something beautiful happens in this world. you don't know how to express yourself, so you just got to sing. I just have to sing. the feeling's inside of me. have you ever had sex?
I have It felt great. it felt so good when I did it with my penis. a girl, let me do it. literally, just having sex can make a nice man out the meanest. never guess where I just came from. I had sex. If I had to describe the feeling, it was the best when I had the sex. Man, my penis felt great, and I called my parents right after I was done. oh, man, didn't see a thing. Guess what? I just did? had sex undressed, saw her boobas and larets. was sure nice of her to let you do that thing. nice of any girl ever now. sing. I just had sex. And it felt so good. it felt so good when I did it with my penis.
I wanted all the world. to be honest, I'm surprised she even wanted me to do it. doesn't really make sense, but man, screw it. I ain't one to argue with a good thing. she could be my wife. That good. the best 30 seconds of my life. I'm set up for my own possibility to let me do it. Cause honestly, I'd have sex with a pile of manure. with that a pile of socks. nice-smelling girls better.
But she left me with my chain and my turtleneck sweater. So when that's what I said, was a shooter. Talk to you. she kept looking at her watch. doesn't matter. I think she might've been a racist. doesn't matter.
I put a bag on my head. still count all just how you came through this. that's what I'm about to say. make me feel good. I'm gonna let me swing my penis inside. |
SaturdayNightLive | bullets_aren_t_cheap_snl | Who the devil does he think he is? Sir, it was a very dangerous mission.
Bonn pulled it off beautifully. I know that.
Now, perhaps if you can set aside your schoolgirl crush for one moment, perhaps you can tell me why a Balinese back-walking session is being charged to the British government. it was in the line of duty. the woman tried to electrocute him. Oh, so he claims. he's abusing the expense vouchers to support his sybaritic lifestyle, and I won't stand for it. Where is 007? didn't you know? he's on holiday. the Bahamas. What? outspending more of England's money again? No, sir, I made it quite clear to him that his holiday experiences were strictly his own. he understands that.
Yes, but why this week? He knew I had a mission for him. Well, sir, he flew the Super Sabre. the ticket was only good for this week. What? Well, plus, his frequent flyer discount was about to expire.
I don't believe it is. frankly, sir, when it's his own money, Commander Bonn can wear a bit. I don't want to say miserly, but it's the Scottish thing. very tight with a dollar. 007? Oh, yes. it's a side of him we seldom see.
James, darling, I want you to relax. you're on holiday now. All right, darling. would you care for a drink, madam? Oh. no, no, thank you.
Bon! Told you we should have come at happy hour. Gregory, tonight, Mr. Bonn's drinks will be complimentary. Goldsting! Sir, Mr. Bonn, we meet again. Sir, this is your game now, peddling alcohol to the highest bidder. I'm a businessman, Bonn. you play Baccarat. Yes. oh, now. sure. deal, Mr. Bonn to hand. would you, Victoria?
James, be careful. Goldsting does not like to lose.
Oh, like I do? All right. I'll bet. one pound. I'm sorry, but the minimum bet at this table is ten pounds. then you will not accept my wager. player wins. natural nine. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Have here, sir.
Shaken. Well, Goldsting, it appears that you've been stung.
You forget, Mr. Bonn, the honey bee stings only once, and then he dies. Yes, but the scorpion can sting many times and live to tell the tale. Do you forget, Mr. Bonn, that the scorpion can be crushed underfoot?
Yes. Oh, get out. let's go, darling.
Mr. Bonn, your accent, something about it puzzles me. I can't quite place it. well, I can't quite place yours either, Goldsting. that's because mine's English.
Oh, really? where? complementary pretzels, darling. the pretzels are no longer complementary, Mr. Bonn. seems like I remember a convenience store around the corner where the pretzels were on sale. I love pewter. Well, I can't have you running around naked where we're going, although some people do in Orlando. I know I'm going to love, Avcot.
Drink your champagne, darling. I don't need this. I need you. don't tease me, James. don't torture me. you know what I want. Come to bed, darling.
I'm mad about you, mad, mad, mad. Oh, James, darling. Oh, yes. you're a maniac. Take me, take me down. Oh, James. |
dropout | video_game_sportscenter | Holy cow, what a game folks, if you're just joining us, that final score is not a typo. The 1972 Dolphins 217, the 0-5 Oakland Raiders 0. The Dolphins went for fake punts on every fourth down they had and two third downs converting them all. 31 onside kicks in a row shattering the previous record of 1. I mean coming into tonight with a record of 871-1, we knew that this team was good but we didn't know that they were that good. We have a highlight you have to see to believe. Miami's custom quarterback Beef Thompson runs around the field for literally an entire quarter before scoring a 99-yard touchdown. And now we're going to hand it over to my main breezy-feshizi in the field, Michelle Wuss. Chicka-chicka-chicka crack-a-lacking out there. Talk to me about Beef Thompson 1100 yards passing another 301 rushing and 31 touchdowns. That's incredible for a season but a game?
Dudes a beast. At 7 foot 5 and 871 pounds with a blazing speed and a rocking arm, he can't stop him. He can only hope to contain him.
Oh, and this Hail Mary play that you ran on every possession. Talk to me about that. I had two of my fastest receivers run straight for the end zone and one of them ran her out that spelled out the word gay. Hilarious. You have another game in 20 seconds.
Will fatigue be an issue? No, Michelle. Fatigue is off.
You hear that? He's athletic and poetic. That's what I call a triple play.
Coach, you were down 84 at the half and yet we didn't see any second half adjustments. Why is that? My guys don't adjust, Bonnie. It's just not how they're wired. They're stuck on rookie mode or something.
You gotta think. You should start doing something differently. Our job is not to think, Bonnie. Our job is to go out there and perform a series of plays based on predetermined probabilities. Well, we know it's a long season. Our job is not to think, Bonnie. Our job is to go out there and perform a series of plays based on...
Okay, and thank you for staying with us tonight. Stay tuned for analysis and full highlights of tonight's game. Plus, highlights from around the NBA where Bill Clinton was simply on fire from downtown. Boom shakalaka! And you won't want to miss the 19 fights from the Rangers game last night where there were mad heads bleeding. And there were no offsides. Good night everybody. |
ClickHole | inspiring_mothers_tell_their_daughters_what_they_wish_they_had_known_about_being_a_woman | I wish I'd known that women have a whole other eyeball inside their skull that stares at their brain all day. And men have one too, but it's in their stomach and it just looks around at all the food in there. No one ever bothered to tell me. It took me a long time to realize that just because you're a woman, men don't see you as an equal. So when you speak to them, you have to do it in an impression of someone they respect, like Marlon Brando or a Komodo dragon. Society expects women to always have one pocket filled with guacamole and chips and salsa in the other. It's not fair, but that's what society expects of us. I knew all women had one long hair, but never did I realize that one long hair woman would get caught in alligator mouth or helicopter blade or big black hole in space. How could I have known that?
I think when I was young, I had this idea that feminism meant taking all the men, laying them down, and jumping on their bellies until they threw up. What do you think of feminism now? I think it's great.
I remember my mother telling me, sex is shit-town USA for a lady. Sex is a bad diarrhea blender. No question, no doubt. And the worst part is, you don't even get to keep the sperm. Every woman should feel like it's her right to keep the sperm.
When I turned 24, the thing in the corner appeared in my room for the first time. I wish my mother had prepared me better for the thing in the corner. I didn't know any better, so I looked in its bag. Why didn't anyone tell me not to look in his bag? And I saw God was inside there, and he was sick and coughing and naked and sweaty and bald. God in the bag looked so sick, and he had all these ids, and he kept popping them, and I popped one of them too, and it sounded like trumpets. Every woman remembers how old she was when she looked in the bag and saw a dying God pop his zits. God looked up at me, and he said, I think I ate some bad shellfish. And I was so embarrassed, I shut the bag and went back to sleep.
Did I do okay? You did great, Mom. That's my mom. Sweetheart. You're my special angel. |
CrackerMilk | we_re_pressing_charges | You know what, man? What? I've got some beef with you that I want to fucking sort out. Yeah?
You're in my courtroom! Fuck. This is Judge Judy. 30-year-old gaylord, Elias de Wedgert, is being sued by his ex-lover, Connor McBuff, for not getting on the beers. He's gay. Alright, you big bitches. The reason you boys are here today is because you've been getting on the beers, and you've been stealing the beers. Yeah. What do you have to say to that, defendant? Yeah, g'day, it's me, defendant Dylan, and um, I- Are you the lawyer of Connor?
My client, um, does like to have a couple of drinks here and there, but only a couple with dinner, preferably steak, or sometimes- Beef. Shut up! Do not speak for my client, defendant! Order, order, order, order! Sorry, it's just that the offendent, offendent, offend- Assailant? It's just that the fuckhead across the roof- Fair enough. Is running his fucking mouth in my opening statement! Order, order! Uh, all I was gonna say before that cunt interrupted me- I'll allow it. Thank you.
Is it a bigger dog move to have your mate come over, get on the beers with you, yeah? And then he says, nah, nah, I'm not drinking, I'm the deso, I'm the deso! But you know what he does, he fucking takes six of them home to have at home! Your honour, those beers were to be had in the company of companions! And this fucking cunt took them home to have while he was playing Minecraft!
Order! Assailant Elias here has, has come to the house, the gathering, upon an invitation, and he's, and he's, um, gone. Guys, I'm the designated driver, I cannot be on the beers- He was only driving himself, your honour! Order! No one else is in the car, it's fucking bullshit! Order! Sorry, your honour. I believe that's allowed by law, you can drive your own car in just yourself in the car. But who's the designated driver? Order! No one else is there! Order! Would you like to provide your opening statement, or perhaps you have a lawyer, or would you like to self-represent?
Uh, for the- Don't say it, thank you. Wait, no, I need to just- There's just one thing I need to say, one thing I need to say. Nah, shh, shh.
It's me, Franky lawyer, there's my card. My name's Franky lawyer. It's a button. Can I just talk to you for a sec? Can I talk to my lawyer? Thank you, thank you. Look, I've got all the evidence right here, mate. We've got everything to get you off when I'm gonna say a word, just let me talk, alright? Alright, let me just come to the stand, do you mind? Yes, Franky lawyer.
Um, firstly, I just want to say that on the night of these beers stolen, this could not have been Elias, because he was in fact, with these tickets right here, as you can see and check, at Fercon 2020. Fercon 2020. He was in the Yiff booth, 13 men, and confirmed that he was there- Thirteen men. Thirteen men can confirm. What Fercon can you please clarify?
Um, by research, it looks like it's multiple men dressed as their fursonas, which are also no, they're like fursuits, and they have wild sex. Right, fursuits as in like fur coats? It's like a culture, I believe, so this is in the- Ah, like a dog. You're dressed like a dog.
Well, he's covered under the religious laws, as it is his religion and culture. Franky lawyer, I have one question. Yes.
What's a Yiff room? What happens in a Yiff room?
And why were there 13 men there? We have a signed copy that he did say he had given multiple hand jobs to 13 men dressed as their fursonas. It looks like some sort of religious act.
In the Yiff room? In the Yiff room.
Is that perhaps a place of prayer? What's their religious name?
They're dressed in religious garb, which is dressed as a furry. Furry. A furry. Furry.
And there's some sort of, um, as Elias, who is innocent, um, can prove his innocence by confirming that he was at FurCon 2020. So the only way that Elias would be guilty here is if he was not at FurCon 2020.
There's so much damning evidence of photos and polo. Here, have a look.
Your Honor, I object, uh, to my- Order! Did I ask? No, but I divided to- Order! I did not ask Elias to wedge it. You will have your chance to speak in a moment.
I need to peruse the evidence. I've seen everything I need to see.
Elias. Yes, Your Honor. Any closing words? Your Honor, I would just like to interject and say, clearly Elias is just full of shit. I think he's come to the party and if I'm being honest, he was there and took the beers because I do recall him saying to my client, let's get it on, let's get it on, let's get it on at fucking FurCon. Your Honor- This is what Elias said. This is what Elias said.
I actually think we can get him for both. One, for theft of a good time. And the beers. Those beers were for Bebop, you fucking pig! Order! Your Honor, we have some, uh, new damning evidence. Uh, yes. Uh, we're here today, as Connor has said, the beers were- have been drunken, or have been consumed, but this is not the fact, as I've just found out, but they are inside the 13 men, thus have not been consumed yet. We should throw this case out now. The whole bottles. Every bottle is up inside the 13 men. Can we- Order!
Your Honor, I will try and recall, but I need to get, I need to get back into the zone that I was in when I was at FurCon, so if you can just give me a moment. Do we all need to yiff for you? Please, that would, uh, that would help drastically. Yiff, yiff, yiff, yiff, yiff, yiff, yiff, yiff, yiff, yiff, yiff, yiff, yiff, yiff. It was the night of the 17th at FurCon 2020.
There were 13 men in the room, around me. I was scared, but excited. I grabbed all the beer bottles, and one by one, I put them in each of their arseholes. This is Eliza's conscious speaking, by the way. My nose, my pecker nose, my woodpecker nose, launched into the anus of each of those men and cracked open the bottle, the bottom of the beer bottle, leaking the contents into my mouth. One by one, I popped each one, a crack, a single crack, which let out some of the beer.
I just want to say that I can sense that, um, at the time Eliza said, yiffy, yiffy, I've got a stiffy. Yiffy, yiffy, I have a big stiffy. Um, sorry, I don't think the- Your Honor- I don't think you got that on record. Order, order, please, louder for the recording devices in the courtroom. Yiffy, yiffy, I have a big stiffy.
Do you consent to your client proceeding? You've put yourself under yiff oath. You came in. We should have seen it coming. You are under oath.
Connor swore on the Bible. You swore on a season four to five of My Little Pony. That's the cultural book of- Yeah, so under oath you must- I've heard everything that I need to hear to make my decision, but I would like to now hear from every party present. Yes, Connor, defendant, Dylan, Frank, your lawyer, and then finally Elias, I would like to hear the closing statements in that order. Your Honor, I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I would like to say to Elias after such a betrayal, and I think I've summed it up. Defender Dylan.
Yeah? Would you please? Now, I'm going to be honest with you, man, this is pretty fucked.
You go to a party and it's meant to be chill vibes. Who goes to a fucking party? Let's just clarify as well. This was a private event on Facebook, and due to lockdown restrictions, it's quite hard to get people around at the moment. You've got your best mates around, and we've got communal beers that everyone's thrown in some dollars for, 48-pack carton, a 4X gold, and this fuckhead comes in, says he's a designated...
No one's in the car, Your Honor! No one's in the car with him! Who's he driving around? Who's designated him as a driver if no one's in the car?
He could have got an Uber, it's 12.50 from his place! It's only 12.50, Your Honor, and an Uber!
Thank you, Defender Dylan. Connor's house is located 50 metres within a school zone, and everyone knows Elias couldn't have been at the party because that would be against his parole.
It says in his OC character sheet, he doesn't like beer, he likes Sody Wody's. Sorry, OC? Yeah, his original character creator sheet. All furries have one. And it says he likes orange Sody Wody's and not beer, so why wouldn't he have taken that?
Interesting. That's all I have to say. Thank you for your closing statement there, Frankie Lawyer. Finally, Elias De Wedger, the assailant here who's actually probably the defending party, but fuck you. Could you please provide us with your closing statement, and I will make my decision. On your verdict. I can, Your Honor. I just wanted to say to everyone, is it, is it, sorry, I just, excuse me, I'm not sure if this is Connor or defendant Dylan, so I can't bring them up on this.
Is it illegal to have a good time? I'm sorry, this is just really rude. Is it illegal to have a good time? Excuse me, Elias De Wedger, there are no questions allowed in closing statements. It's a statement, not a question. Yeah, it's not illegal to have a good time.
That's my closing statement. Okay. Um, I've, uh, I've considered, um, I've deliberated- Hey! Order!
Judge Judy Scheinlin is speaking, and you're running your fucking mouth! How about you stop drinking Connor's beers, how about you stop talking over Judge Judy Scheinlin, and how about you stop fucking other men in fur suits? How about you just learn to relax and put a beer up your ass and let me suck it out of you?
So, um, Elias, uh, I have to, uh, provide you with a guilty verdict today, and you'll be going away into the slammer for about, um, 15 years. You know what, I've had a change of heart, um, Connor, you're going into the slammer for 15 years. Aw, come on, he's already given me a fucking stomach ulcer!
Thank you for watching the Crackable Podcast today. I hope you enjoyed learning how a courtroom works.
This is how we make a lot of our decisions on set. Go to Patreon and vote on our shit so we can make a Patreon podcast just for you. That's what we do. All the Patreons are a bunch of furries that are, um, getting poor in beer from their butts into Elias' mouth. |
SaturdayNightLive | chloe_fineman_is_a_vip_with_magenta_status_in_partnership_with_t_mobile_snl | I've always felt I deserved the Vip treatment. excuse me. I'm a Vip, so I'll need one sweet for me and one for my dog at a discounted rate. your dog? he says yes. And how many room keys would you be needing? All of them. Oh, he's asking about the Wi-fi. excuse me. Vip coming through. she deserves to get into this show first. she's very important. he's asking if there's a pet relief area inside. he says, never mind. Oh.
I'll need my car to have tinted windows on both sides. I'd like it to be tiny on the outside and huge on the inside. And I don't want to fill it with gas or pay for gas or have anything to do with gas when I return it. after all, I'm very Vip. he wants to know if the car can be made of bacon.
But with T-mobile, our customers get the Vip treatment, including exclusive benefits to top hotel and rental car brands, discount concert tickets, and experiences, no matter who you are. even if you're less of a Vip and more of a Vop? Very ordinary person. that's right. with T-mobile, our customers can be Vips. Oh, thank goodness. he says you're not ordinary. you're extraordinary.
Aw. he's asking if he can have his treat now. preferably like a salmon. Mm, yeah, a river fish. I can go check the break room. Ok. great. |
dropout | amir_gets_pranked | Hey everyone, we're here in Austin, Texas, because our best friend Amir has a screening of his new movie, A Fairy Herald in Kumar 3D Christmas, and we decided to crash it. So we're at the airport, Amir's landing soon. We have all these mega fans, and they're going to ambush him when he comes down.
Here it is, right here. Give Amir a call and say congrats. Congratulations! Thank you! Hello? I just want to let you know, tell you congratulations, bro. So, Amir and Laura are on site seeing real things. Congratulations! Thank you! You're out to do it real well. Thank you. I'm here. We're proud. We're all proud. Thank you. Hey, Amina! Yeah!
Reading my text messages.
What is the hell this is? It rocks!
Amir!
That's where someone else is making actually. I told you a second story. Wow! That is so close!
So, Amir's gonna, uh, it's like at 450, he's supposed to call and do a radio interview. Hey, this is drive time with Dennis.
I'm here with Mitch in the booth. Good morning! Right now, we have a very special guest with us on the line. He's Amir Blumenfeld, the star of the new Harold and Kumar movie. Amir, welcome. Going great. Thanks for being on the show.
Amir, what is with the name? What's with that name there, Blumenfeld? We were talking about it earlier, the name.
This is Dennis and Mitch in the morning, 453. We got news and weather coming up on the sevens, but first we're talking with Amir Blumenford.
He is the star of the new Harold and Kumar film. Really excited about the movie.
From Streeter and Pat up in room 1135, you can go back to bed and the rest of your interviews are all bullshit. From Streeter and Pat up in room 1135, you can go back to bed.
None of these interviews are real. Yeah, you shouldn't.
It's pretty early, man. It's super early, man. Why are you up? This is like super early for drive time radio, even in Maine. |
dropout | precious_plum_for_president_see_plum_run_full_episode | My name is Plum, I'm six years old, and I'm a beauty quark. My mama drawn me around a patch. I had cheese in my neck. Cheese in my precious plum. Plum Miller and her mother, Blueberry Mama Miller, became overnight sensations with their hit reality show, Precious Plum.
Mama? Yeah, baby? Where do babies come from?
Dicks and pussies. But, Plum's turned to sour grapes when it was discovered that mama was having sex with Plum's 16-year-old Manny. Way to cock block, America.
While the relationship was technically legal in Mississippi, viewers boycotted the show, advertisers pulled out, and Precious Plum was cancelled. So, where is the diabetic duo now? Well, rumor has it that they've started over somewhere in New England, and some fledgling network has given them a new show.
Oh, dang, he's a good looking sound man. Yeah, you put that in my ass pocket. Oh, do that, do that, like that, like that, like that. So, um, we back. Yay!
I was 12 now. And we rich, too, is what, the other thing was changed. We've been on the road for a while, so we was jonesing for a home of our ownies, and it was just Plum and me, so we didn't need much, but um, then we found a place that was fucking awesome. Remodels in 2014, the house originally belongs to author Nathaniel Hawthorne.
Yeah, it's a little spooky. The price, I hear you. But currently, a tenant lives in the basement, and he can help with the mortgage. The what that lives in the basement? Oh, he shouldn't be a disturbance. A disturbance? He's got his own entrance. What do you mean? It is $1,800 a month. So, Weez moved in with a ghost, and um, I didn't see him much, but when we did, I near done shit myself. Ahh! He was so pale, skinny, and just not human being.
I'm a grad student at Harvard... University.
Hello? Can you hear me? Yes? Hello? What is your name?
Brian. What is your business here, Brian? Well, I'm a poli sci major. What is that? It's like the study of politics. Um...
The effects of power on people over time. We've been studied. A powerful time, Lawrence.
I'm sorry, was I late with the rant or...? Oh, no, actually you was on time. We really appreciate that. Thank you, Brian.
Ask if there's others. Brian, is you alone? Not at the moment. Hi, I'm Tam.
Oh!
Get the fuck out of here! Now, ghosts, okay, they're like mofucking roach cocks. You think you got two? That means you actually got, like, two thousands. So, Plumb and me, we went and got some ghost hunting gear. But by the time we got back... Oh, my God! The place was fucking infested. All right, baby. Y'all suit it up. Mama, I'm scared.
Hey, Deed or Deed Not Blade, take out a whole nightclub of vampires without more than a leather jacket. Couple of good sorts. But ghosts is dead. Vampires is undead.
Baby, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Mama, why are they talking or nothing? It's an eight in hours or it just works. Each in a whole pocket of space and time. See, if you touch him, your hands go right through him. Guys, you're here.
I'm so sorry. I thought you were gone for the night you left in such a hurry.
I can kick everybody out. The party's a bust anyway. Turns out, they wasn't no ghosts. In the usual sense, they were sad ghosts. They threw bad parties. I just had to help them out. Maybe throw them good parties, part of their unfinished business or some shit. Some mama took that party by the wheel. I'm out of Utah.
Myselves. Splish, splosh. Drink up. Yeah. Good. Ha ha ha! Ah! Now that's why I call a party. Right, right.
I think I'm blind.
Mama, can I have some? Baby, what I tell you, no, bring it to you 14. Oh, fuck it.
Good evening and or morning, neighbor. I'm Jim. This is Rain. We just wanted to say hi and welcome to the neighborhood, but also it's 2 a.m. and Jim has bird watching in the morning. Early Jim catches the bird. Not to mention it's a school night. They got it at night now? It's two schools you're missing. Jim, there's a child at this party. Hello there. Are you in some kind of trouble?
I think I'm blind. Yay, I can see.
So Rain and Jim, they turned out to be kind of assholes. They said they were going to call child services unless I put Plum in school. So I was like, do it. And it was like, do you know what child services is? I was like, maybe. And it was like, you're going to take your child away. And I was like, good. And I was like, and put you in jail. And I was like, you're kind of an asshole. So I had no choice.
I Googled school. Welcome to Becky and the Academy. My name is Kennedy. You might recognize me from the flyers I handed out with your brochures. Kennedy for student body president. Now, these flyers are made out of 100% recycled A plus test papers. So not only are they promoting my candidacy and helping the environment, they are also highlighting our school's many academic superstars.
Oops, this one's mine. I'm a whooshie. I don't know, baby, but I want to hit her for some reason. Buckingham provides a rigorous education for middle and high school students of all backgrounds, regardless of race, means, or creed. Oh, shit.
Creed, we're here. Now, as we begin the tour, feel free to ask any questions at any time.
Y'all got food? Yes, our cafeteria program is the healthiest in Massachusetts. I mean, free food now. Well, when we stop by our cafeteria, you'll have no food. So is that a no? I have no food.
Now, now. Can I eat this? That's paper. So that's a yes? Why don't I just begin by going... How y'all feel about no child left behind? Uh, that's actually a great question.
Guys, one time, I left Plum behind for like three months. I lived in a warlock. Unfortunately, Plum, I don't know. Unfortunately, Plum just isn't up to the standards of Buckingham Academy.
What you mean? She know all her ABCs showing it. IBCD and all the mothers. One, two, three, four, and all them numbers. See?
She even drew some math. She scored a zero on her entrance exam. It's multiple choice. She should have at least gotten a couple of questions right by accident. So what you're saying is she gifted? I'm saying I'm disturbed.
She's 12. Girl, look like she's 30. Based on these results, she should be in preschool.
Yeah, he blocks. Pull out of me for a second.
Okay, don't you brochures say, y'all pride yourselves on educating students from all backgrounds? Yes, we do.
Because looking around, I see a lot of whites and blacks and rainbows and silvers. Rainbows and silvers? Gays and cripples. You know the silver sort of wheelchair color?
Wow. And all there is is one of the different colors, smarty pants. What education y'all be giving? Y'all so smart in the first place. Further which is small, okay? How'd that verse y'all be? Y'all ain't got no downs. I got into fancy school. Oh, pew, pew, pew, pew.
She got them books. Books. She got them books. She got them titties so smart. Days of backpack rides. She got them pussies so smart. There's a book inside. She got them books.
I dug rain, Principal Harris, into a yes. He even asked us to host something called a new parent mixer. As luck would have it, we had just had a party. So we had some extra stuff laying around.
That's enough about us living in an alien stimulation. How are the kids? I have kids. Oh, fuck a bag. Hello again, fellow Buckingham Academy parent.
This is our daughter Kennedy. Kennedy for president.
Oh, okay, no wonder I want to hit you so bad. It's a family thing. This party is completely inappropriate. I mean, a college rager is one thing, but this is the new parent mixer.
Where are the new tags? The baked goods. What have you done to Mr. Jennings?
I know no words. He's the English teacher.
Hey, everyone, just relax, all right? Take a deep breath. All right, Jim, what's your poison? Poison?
You are a Neanderthal. Oh, and you're raising one as well. Hey, my daughter is not a Neanderthal.
That's fair.
Hi, baby. Well, at least she ain't no George H.W. bitch. Hello, Billy. Bill Hillary! My name is Plum. I'm 12 years old, and I'm running for president!
You got some sign up for Dropout. What's Dropout?
It's a premium ad-free uncensored comedy platform from the people what do college humor. Oh, wow, I'm going to sign up right now. Hey, how in the fart did you get a credit card? Let me see this.
Who is Amanda M. Trace? Well, it's not me.
Yeah, go use the sign up. Use the sign up. You just don't sign up, it's fine, it's fine.
Swipe that all you want. You're too old for them pageants now. Yeah. That's the biggest pageant of all. Surprising MC. |
cracked | why_jar_jar_binks_is_more_evil_than_you_ever_knew_cracked_responds | Hey, buddy, buddy, gather around me now. Have you guys seen that theory floating around the internet about Jar Jar Binks? Yes, the racist fish man from Phantom Menace? Music or Jar Jar Binks? Music or Humble 7? What? Or is he? Theory. Sort of blowing up on Reddit and spreading out as Reddit things do. This user Lumpawaru...
Oh, sure, that's Chewbacca's son from the... Chewbacca's son with the Matt Dillon teeth. Yes, so Lumpawaru has put forth this theory on the internet that Jar Jar Binks was basically pretending to be the idiot that we hated in Phantom Menace. Planning out there will be a reveal in the later movies that he was actually this dark force user. Like the greatest Sith Lord in the galaxy. Just imagine by the gods it is! The one.
Like Jet Li? Not like Jet Li, like... Like Darth Jet Li.
Okay, I'm on board now. You're going to have to unpack this for me because...
Okay, you know in The Phantom Menace, Jar Jar is always bumbling about and messing things up in the final battle. I remember the secrets. He gets like a gun caught on him and then he like shoots a bunch of robots accidentally in all these sort of moments that he stumbles into luck. He's very lucky in the prequels. And it's dumb because... What does Obi Wan say about luck though? In my experience, there's no such thing as luck.
And he also, in combat, uses drunken fist style. It's where you like... The reddit thread lines up this master of it. Right, you see him kicking up there. It's all this like same thing where you look very silly but you're actually a very skilled fighter.
They are remarkably similar. Remarkably similar.
Even he does that 20 foot leap in Summer Soul into the swamp. Yeah, and he's also capable of mind control. Surprise! Surprise. Because he's the top Sith Lord. Wins! There's a lot of scenes where like Jar Jar's in the room and he does, you know, that these aren't the droids they're looking for. Like here he is with Boss Nass being like, Oh, I don't know.
Wave, wave, wave, wave. Suddenly he's a general. There's another scene where he's talking to Padme. Talk, talk, talk, waving my hand. Suddenly he's a senator. He's a heavy burden. Then we see him in the Senate chamber. Talk, talk, talk, wave my hands.
Let's not have a democracy anymore. Now there's not a democracy anymore. Emergency powers to the Supreme Chancellor.
How does a dumb fish monster who no one's ever met or heard of make all these fantastical things happen for him? That does line up in a weird Pink Floyd sort of way.
Right. There are all these other moments even where he makes characters say things. Here's just Captain Panaka is saying, Oh, the Queen wants her handmaiden to go with you to the shit Tatooine town. As Panaka is speaking, you can see Jar Jar is mouthing the words along with him. He's making him say those words. Like in this scene where he's right behind Padme and suddenly makes Padme say something really mean and weird.
Well, I don't know. Like why is he there? He's hiding. Yeah, I just assumed he was waiting for Qui-Gon to come push her over. There's also, here's Qui-Gon talking to little Annie on this platform. You cut to the wide and Jar Jar is clearly eavesdropping on this conversation. He's just perched there like a gargoyle. There's a scene where Palpatine is talking to a bunch of senators and Jar Jar is just outside the window, just sitting.
Speaking of mind control, so remember how there's always a bigger fish? There's always a bigger fish. So they're being chased by this fish and it's super dangerous.
Oh no. Jar Jar passes out. Passes out. He's like, oh no, I'm so scared. Blah, blah, blah. And then he's passed out.
And then the bigger fish shows up, chomps down the little one. The bigger fish's eyes glow the same color as Jar Jar's eyes. And then Jar Jar wakes up after they're saved and is chewing a little bit.
And he's like, oh, everything's fine. Thank goodness.
He went into that bigger fish. He worged into it. Worged into it, ate the little one, and then woke up. He's a skinwalker.
There's even this quote from an old interview where he says like... Well, I guess you could say, I do regret not following my heart with regard to my original vision for the rest of the prequels. Certain characters and certain surprises. But you also have to give the fans what they want, and Star Wars fans are certainly very vocal. Right. He's always been great about giving the fans. Right. Well, so he clearly had characters and surprises that he just scrapped. He was clearly meant to be evil, but since there was such a bad fan reaction, he was like, oh, I can't do what I'm going to do, which was steal more stuff from Foundation, which is an Isaac Asimov book series. The Mule is this guy who hangs around in the background all the time and found in the second and third Foundation books and uses his power buying control to just influence the movement of things and influence people until he controls the universe. So you're telling me that we're all getting super excited over the better version of this movie, which would have, instead of Count Dooku and General Grievous, it just would have been more Jar Jar.
Yep. We're getting excited about the possibility of a prequel trilogy that had more Jar Jar in it. Yep. Yeah. Like twice the screen time that he already has. Yeah. With a big cartoon fight with Yoda and Dagobah. Just two cartoon characters with funny Muffet voices duking it out in a swamp. Yep. That would have been great. Yeah.
Music on Jar Jar, thanks. Hi. Thank you so much for watching the video that we just showed you. Special thanks to Lumpawaru, Reddit user, Reddit in general, YouTubers like Motzi. This was on the Star Wars sub initially. Now there's the Darth Jar Jar sub, if you want to talk about that. If you want to contribute to it. So make sure to like and subscribe.
You don't have to comment if you don't want to. I don't give a shit. |
ClickHole | we_ve_never_seen_obama_naked_because_he_has_a_stomach_pouch_where_he_keeps_the_communist_manifesto | You want to see something chilling? Take a look at this. When you zoom in extremely close on George Soros' face, it starts to get really, really blurry. Innocent people don't get blurry. Only people with something to hide get all pixelated and hard to see when you magnify their face by a thousand percent.
But Soros isn't the only globalist with something to hide. Ever wonder why we haven't ever seen Barack Obama naked? What's he hiding under all those secretive clothes? I've got the horrifying answer after the break. We know President Barack Obama is a sick and evil man, but have you ever noticed that we've never even seen him naked? Seriously, not even once has Barack Obama stood in front of the American people and exposed his genitals and his ass. Every time he wasn't naked, I always thought to myself, what's that guy hiding? Well, he thought he could keep it a secret, but he underestimated us.
And I have a source who used to work in the White House, and he confirmed what I already suspected. The reason we've never seen Barack Obama naked is because the guy has a pouch of flesh on his belly that he uses to store a copy of the Communist Manifesto. I know people at the White House who have told me when Barack Obama was president, we'd see him looking down the front of his shirt and he was clearly reading something. And we'd hear him say things like, wow, what an interesting point about communism, or aha, I already knew that about wonderful communism, but it's so nice to read it again. I'm just, I'm so disturbed. It's just so obvious that he was looking into the pouch he has on his belly, and he was just reading the Communist Manifesto right there in the White House.
Of course, he hid his glamorous nudity from the world. He didn't want anybody to find out his secret.
God, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm just so angry.
He was reading it the whole time. I mean, look at this picture. It's so clear that this sicko is hiding something. Can we get a hand-drawn x-ray on that? Yep, I knew it. Everyone likes to write me off, but you're seeing evidence with your own eyes. There's sick Obama's pouch, and there's the Communist Manifesto. It's no wonder he's always wearing his shirt all over the place. Seriously, look at this.
This is Obama right after he won the election in 2008. This would have been the perfect time for him to take off all his clothes and say, I love you, America.
Here's my nude body, and oh, it's glory. I've got nothing to hide. Look how smooth my belly is. No pouches, just normal smooth skin.
But he didn't get naked. The guy didn't even take his shirt off. Even in his moment of triumph, he kept all of his clothes on. If that's not suspicious, I don't know what is. |
cracked | why_the_cassowary_is_the_most_terrifying_animal_ever | Dinosaurs were pretty great, but then they lost pretty horribly, and they've since evolved into stupid birds who eat bugs and worms. They are gross losers. But most birds are content to soar the skies. It's their consolation prize for losing so bad. Even the biggest losers, flightless birds, are pretty chill about it.
And then there's the cassowary, one of the only two birds that kill. The other being Big Bird, the killer of ignorance. Also, a lot of other birds kill, actually, to eat like fish and bugs and worms. Anyway, cassowaries kill human beings, is the point. And they do so with the following weapon, quoted from ornithologist and presumed masturbator, Dr. Thomas Gileard.
The inner, or second, of the three toes is fitted with a long, straight, murderous nail, which can sever an arm or eviscerate an abdomen with ease. They're six feet tall, fantastic slimmers, faster than the fastest recorded human, and they fight with naturally-helmeted skulls. And we really probably didn't stress enough that murderous nail.
These extremely aggressive and territorial birds will attack humans on sight. There are even recorded instances of them slicing through windshields just to get to a human. But the birds themselves are mostly herbivores and eat fallen fruit, another reason for that death skull. Yet, they still attack humans, almost instantly, because every time they see a human, it's like seeing the Earth's giant middle finger reminding them that they were once badass dinosaurs in charge of the planet. So they jump with a chance to gut us like a piece of fruit.
So please, leave this f***ing bird alone. That's all they want. Show some empathy. An asteroid may very well crash into Earth again, and then we'll be the losers. We'll want to be left alone. But instead, a bunch of sentient bugs will get in our faces and tweak pictures of us to their stupid f***ing bug friends. What the f*** are you doing? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin_01_05_20 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin live on Desert Rock FM recording here in the respective budgie smuggler bedroom studios. You're joined by myself of course Clancy Overill editor of the Batutah Advocate and Errol Parker editor-at-large how is isolation treating you Errol? Not bad mate it's still pretty quiet down here in the French Quarter. Well the pubs will be open soon at least you know 300 400 Ks away on the territory side of the border. That's what they were saying I mean it's not too much of a drive to the Alice from here I mean it's only what it's only about a days drive it'll be fine. Go through the Brooks place you don't even have to meet the border force you'll be going straight through and as for you Wendell Hussey how are things going in your end down in the the share house? Yeah they're going well much the same as the week before but yeah things are well looking forward to the finishing line now how are you going?
I'm not too bad mate not too bad enjoying you know everything I'm learning each day about Michael Jordan and of course done more than enough research on owning Tigers but the news cycle has kept on trucking surprisingly in fact there's a bit more going on than we thought there would be outside of obviously the imminent recession we're heading into been plenty in the news hasn't there? Yeah there certainly has it just keeps going and starting off with a man who's a little bit familiar with a recession Kevin Rudd warns against upsetting China blah blah blah blah I'm a fucking nerd blah blah blah was the headline on that story? Yes the original nerd he's following in the footsteps of all the former prime ministers and is trying to stay in the spotlight I think with these comments but these particular comments came from what we understand here at the advocate some $2,000 a plate lunch he had this week at some left-wing think tank and he said something about China and about how he shouldn't be upsetting him I'm only paraphrasing here it was something like that well he's always you know been beating that drum he's always finding a different hill to die on each time people throw to him for comment I'm just not sure about what country he's in where he's allowed to have a dinner party I'm rather jealous of him in that aspect yes well of course you do know that the prime ministers live by different rules if you've got power and influence and money you can pretty much do whatever you want Clancy moving right along to some other national news this week now and world's most useless people revealed to be rental property managers yes it's been a while since we got one of our stories booted from Instagram but it's happened again and this was one of them I think this was reported en masse by the nation's property managers who at this point in time in this particular climate are copying it from both ends both tenants and owners seem to think property managers actually don't get going when the going gets tough and have really been exposed here this was actually a huge study spanning some 134 countries and have found a lot of things but the main conclusion was that rental property managers are the most useless people getting around well yes you know we did have a lot of backlash on this article because I wrote this article I got a lot of hate mail I got one death threat which I unfortunately had to forward to the AFP and Wendell I believe we did have a lot of comments on that article too there were a stack of comments on that one Errol a lot of people revealing their experiences and their worst experiences with property managers there was one from Derek Keough in particular who said worst one we ever had wouldn't give back the bond because there was a few stray clothes pegs on our washing line they really are a pack of boot-licking cunts aren't they those fucking rental managers yes yes moving on perfectly put Errol and back home in town now we broke a little story about finding a silver lining oh well at least I'm not in America right now size unemployed local woman yes you've always got to look on the bright side of things home of the brave and land of the free is still in a bit of curry as we go to air today they've got over a million reported cases of coronavirus in the US of A majority of them are still active I think only about 150,000 have recovered and of course over 60,000 deaths things are not looking good over there yes empathy obviously not a strong character trait in this young woman I think perhaps taking yourself out of this and you know trying to detach a bit of ego will go a long way because these people in America they are suffering and they are doing it tough yes we are pretty lucky over here and Scott Morrison has a pretty good grip on things and what's more he's not telling people to arm themselves with guns and try and liberate themselves at their town hall steps he also isn't telling people to inject disinfectant or to ingest it in any means yes and to my surprise Scott Morrison isn't even telling people to inject Jesus yes he's left the thoughts and prayers at home and he's following the experts which is very unlike him yes very surprising and elsewhere around town girl who is planning on doing New York City this year settles for Adelaide what a shame but also a silver lining as well the Big Apple has been downgraded to the city of churches yes we do lose a lot of our young people in Imbituda to Adelaide as it's our closest capital city it's only a hop skip and a jump down the Birdsville track or you can go the back way down through in a minka wrapping up with a nice heartwarming story now man just popping over to a mate's place to check on him with a carton of piss and two fresh decks yes nothing like a mental health check the restrictions are loosening this weekend so any friends are living alone it might be worth visiting them you are allowed up to two people not including kids on a house visit as of this Friday in both Queensland and New South Wales so if you have a friend living alone who you think needs a bit of company maybe this is the time to head over there with a big carton of Victorian brain varnish and a couple decks of some lung beers the key messaging in this article was that now that these restrictions have been loosened you need to go and interact you need to go and visit your friends that have been alone for this past month because it is more important that we are connected now than ever and one of the best ways to get connected is over a carton of piss the walls are coming down and we hope everyone is safe not being complacent just yet no I think that's a nice note to wrap up this week's bulletin so we'll be back again next week with your weekly dose of honest hard-hitting regional news but until then I'm Wendell Hussey I'm Clancy Overell and I'm Harold Park |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Spectre | There's not one person at MI6 who isn't talking about it. Talking about what, exactly? That what you did in Mexico was one step too far. That you're finished. What do you think? I think you're just getting started. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be discussing Spectre, a chilling character study of a man suffering from debilitating alcoholism, who causes himself and those around him tremendous pain through his self-destructive behavior and refusal to acknowledge his problem. Directed by Sam Mendes, Spectre tells the harrowing story of James Bond, a British government worker grappling with the day-to-day struggles of alcohol addiction. Burdened with a stressful job and facing problems at work, James makes the risky choice to engage in some casual drinking, to take the edge off, willfully ignoring his past issues with alcohol. He tells himself he can have just one martini. He pretends he's different from other problem drinkers. But, ten cocktails later, James is back in the personal hell of poor decision-making that consistently lands him, and millions of alcoholics like him, in life-threatening situations. For those of us with an alcoholic loved one, the cycle of addictive behavior Daniel Craig so brilliantly portrays will be all too familiar. Lashing out at acquaintances in a drunken rage, getting behind the wheel while intoxicated, trying in vain to escape the problems his own reckless choices created, and in some of the most distressing moments of the film, even engaging in physical violence. Sure, the drinking seems like fun at first. It always does. James is the life of the party. But, soon enough, he's waking up from yet another bender, his body aching and his mind consumed by profound guilt for choices he made while inebriated. The only way to forget? Yet another drink, of course.
Meanwhile, friends like Eve Moneypenny, Q and billionaire widow Mucha Shada, can only look on and watch as bond spirals ever downward toward rock bottom. It's Spector's pointed reminder that the pathway to redemption can only be found by the addict and the addict alone. James' painful journey reaches its denouement in one of the film's most difficult-to-watch sequences, in which he is confronted about his personal demons during an intervention staged by but supportive sponsor, Franz Oberhofer. Ironically, James feels betrayed by those who want to help him most, perceiving them as members of a sinister cabal that's out to get him, instead of allies that want nothing more than to help him battle his devastating disease. Yet, through the help of his support network, Bond emerges from his darkest hour a renewed man, a hopeful future of sobriety in AA meetings ahead of him. One can only hope that filmgoers heed the message of Spector and recognize that resources to help are out there. |
SaturdayNightLive | bill_and_hillary_cold_open_tax_returns_saturday_night_live | And now a message from the Clinton campaign. Good evening.
Yesterday, after intense pressure from the press and relentless criticism from Senator Obama's campaign, Bill and I agreed to make public our tax returns for the years 2002 to 2007. it turns out that over those years, my husband and I made about $109 million in income. That's a bunch of money. we made a lot of money. As I said yesterday, most of that money, about $50 million, was made by Bill doing what he loves to do best, talking to people. That is what I love to do best. talk to people. nothing more. the point being, once again, through dogged research and tireless investigation, the press has done its job. And believe me, we fought them tooth and nail every step of the way. That's right. we made it hard for them to find out that we were rich by hiding in our house in Westchester. I'll tell you, when it was announced that I was offered $15 million to write my book, I prayed that no one in the press would read the papers that day. And they didn't. As with me, I remember thinking after it was published in every paper, what if the press finds out that I was paid $10 million for my book? would they be able to equate that $10 million I was paid to me having $10 million? Thankfully, they were not able to make the connection. But then those darn tax returns came out and it was discovered we were rich. Of course, this new information just means we'll have to get out of the race. that's true. it's right. since it was discovered that Bill and I know how to make money, it has become apparent that I am the wrong choice for millions of Americans who don't seem able to make money. now, at least my wife can return to the senate in peace and I can go back to doing what I like to do best. speaking engagement. just speaking engagement. nothing more.
So, at this point, I think it would be in the best interest of the party if I stepped aside for the Obama campaign. Psych. that's never going to happen. I am not jumping out of this until after the Inauguration. And even then, I won't be gracious. Live from New York, it's Shiloh and I! Thanks for watching! |
dropout | hbo_should_show_dongs | Hi HBO, it's us your female viewers We've got a boner to pick with you from the brothels of Game of Thrones to the brothels of Boardwalk Empire all the way to the Brothels of Deadwood. Don't forget the strip clubs of the Sopranos You've shown us a whole lot of boobies so many that after watching an hour of your shows seeing my own boobs is like Really these it's time to even the score. We're not saying no more boobs. We just think that you should show Thongs like in between the boobs edit it in between or even literally in between that'd be cool, too I want a little dude tube on my boob tube You had a show called hung about a guy with a big dick and we never got to see it in the wire McNulty boinked every babe in Baltimore, but did we ever see detective Jimmy's Johnson?
No game of Thrones We were promised a storm of swords. What did we get?
Hodor one long flaccid Hodar slung is about as sexy as an uncooked roll of Pillsbury doe Spoil me at least let us see him before you cut him off girls You made us watch Adam's penis sneeze all over that poor girl from Roswell But you couldn't turn the camera around and show us the goods Lena Dunham I am so glad that you're comfortable with your body But what about Adam's body and true blood we don't care if he's an undead demigod warlock Where bears show us that magic wand, maybe you're worried an erect penis would be too explicit Have you seen the red wedding you'll show a pregnant woman getting stabbed in the baby and you won't show one innocent little hard dick Look, no one's trying to see less Daenerys Her skin is like toffee fro you maybe replace a couple scheming in a room full of naked prostitutes scenes with I don't know a scene Where Rob Stark and Khal Drogo compare penis sizes when it's a tie so then they have to like wrestle naked and there's some cross dong action. I Want to see the stallion that mounts the world So how about this for every topless background extra every actress that bears are bouncies But doesn't even get a line every minute We have to sit through this dumb double standard you owe us an inch of grade a man-means And if you don't do this or try to shut us up by throwing us some scroat No one wants to see that we will boycott boycott boycott you by not stealing our parents HBO go Passwords anymore, so don't give us the shaft show us the shaft. You're a premium channel Let's see some premium penis. Oh And AMC if you wanted to show us John Hamstick we would so be on board for that Hey, if you like this video click me to subscribe |
cracked | jon_snow_is_a_terrible_military_commander_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey everybody, thanks so much for joining us for our Game of Thrones recap show winner is taking forever I am Adam Ganser, and I'm star lean hodge, and we are ready to Break down what I would say is the best episode. Yeah. No, it's fantastic. Yeah, okay So at the top of the episode we had Tyrion and Daenerys having a fairly vague conversation about how much Tyrion The conversation where like your parents come home after you have like a wild party and you tried to clean up But there's some evidence of it. Why doesn't she? Bring up like hey, man, you brought slavery back. That's like my whole thing. He caught mom in a good mood.
Yeah, that's right Yeah, yeah after they like had a honeymoon away. That's like that's the situation So then I want to talk about the dragons finally showing up and finally being War machines like official war machines. It was a real bummer for that dragon to have not escaped from that pyramid for a year I don't know what he's eating in there. It's got to be rats that dragons got to be rat-fed Okay, so then after the dragons finally burn a ship Yeah, well, she needs the rest of the ships.
That was actually something. Okay. Oh good idea strategy. Don't burn them all You actually need a thousand ships. That's fair. Oh, yeah. Okay.
Maybe there's some strategic dragon in there Okay, after that happens we cut to the parlay between Jon Snow and Ramsay Lady Morant was there and she's my favorite She was there not there enough. She was just there to give stink eye Why is anybody following Ramsey when his house sigil is a Ku Klux Klan burning a man alive? Nobody following Ramsey makes any sense Oh, so after the parlay we have the strategy meeting behind the scenes and the thing I think we learned from that is none of them are good at battle, right?
No, they all suck at it A pincher pincher is not a fucking fancy word. He has that word in his vocabulary. Can you dumb it down for me?
I don't know. It's it's a squeezer. Mm-hmm. I don't know it hurt. It's a hurtie a hurtie McTooth sides No one understands. It's just they're like Okay, even then she didn't even tell John to be like hey, by the way, we might have the veil coming up Why doesn't she mention that I assume she didn't get a response so she wasn't sure Cuz that is a generous interpret. Yeah, so this week on unnecessary scenes Davos and Tormund have some kind of a man isn't fighting for somebody else the worst kind of yeah Should we get drunk? Not so sure.
I'm just gonna wander around be pretty bummed. That's cool. See you at the battle That's about it. I'm gonna go shit myself.
Literally nothing substantial happened there at all Can we talk about how the the Greyjoys have mastered the powers of teleportation and like they don't show them showing up So like you think them coming up and just seeing all the fire and dragons and just like no, this is a great time We're gonna go talk to right. Do you think they got a mixed signal when they saw dragons burning ships? They're like maybe they don't like ships here and Tyrion Basically, his whole purpose in that scene was to break theons balls just a piece of shit.
You're a piece of shit You should know you're a piece of shit. He's just like Yeah, yeah, I'm definitely a piece of shit.
I'm like, oh good By the way, you are like attempted to flirt with Daenerys and it kind of worked Hey, you know who has shitty daddy issues me, I know you do too. Okay, so let's talk about the battle the battle Which I am tentatively dubbing for Rickening. Yeah, I know you're sad for Rick and I did not give a shit I like mentally block that out. The kid is an extra the best-case scenario was an arrow through the chest I'm not saying cuz I enjoyed it. I'm saying like this is good for the show Good measure they were just like by the way, let's just show extra arrows just going into him Did you see how far away he was when he was looking and seeing all these events that were taking place? They were like 150 herds away That looked like the Grand Canyon chasm and like me having feelings about a fucking sagebrush on the other side of the Grand Canyon Not happening because it's it's too far. I can't see it I feel like going forward you can't make Jon Snow a commander of a battle and feel good about it That was a fucked up decision man. He sees Rickon in this fucking game That's being played by Ramsey forgets the warning he got the night before he's like no I'm gonna single-handedly charge and save Rickon and maybe just charge everybody I think there was somebody in the crowd just His job was to pile the bodies into one there had to be it Didn't feel like people were intentionally crawling over to that pile of bodies that pile of bodies was impossible I was like where I was like, where did who did that I wanted to mention and appreciate some of the work the director did on this episode there was a lot of Very clear film homages going on in that battle. So obviously there's the brave heart stuff, you know I mean, which I don't think is intentional I just think it's really difficult to do this without looking like brave heart But then they had a one or like the revenant when they're following Jon Snow around and like there's horses coming left and right He's stabbing a fool off the horse and all that stuff and then there was cold mountain.
Have you seen that movie? They had a lot of Civil War scenes where they had what I could best describe as like a Dante's inferno type body pile The people were fighting around I super liked that the director did the due diligence of researching Rome versus Carthage because that was clearly what the last section with the phalanx was was a reference to I've seen some images of people online showing Jon coming out of the pile of bodies and then people are comparing that to the scene Like several scenes ago with Danny being surrounded by other people calling her mother. That's a cool little like right song of fire Nice reference, you know, yeah, can we talk about the giant? Yeah, I'm glad that you knew his name I did not know his name.
They basically treated him like a t-rex from Jurassic Park He's someone who should have had any type of shield or a weapon. They didn't give a weapon He's out there whipping them around with his hands and roaring at him like a t-rex.
I mean he might have just not wanted it Sansa just disappears for the battle and then shows up with the Aaron army has nobody in Game of Thrones world invented scouts Can you imagine how easy it is to launch a surprise attack in Westeros? I could get like seven dudes together and conquer a city because they're literally not looking the direction I'm coming from So let's talk about the end of the episode. Were you satisfied with it? Oh, yeah, completely But I do want like a DVD extras of like every other way He could have died when that dog got up and licked his face I just wanted to kiss that poo's in the face But then at the same I was like eat his face and then he ate his face I was like, oh, I actually didn't realize how gruesome that would actually it's gruesome I feel like a more satisfying result is like Ramsay's like these hounds are loyal to me and she's like you started them for seven days He's like no, but they're still loyal and then she's like really and then in strolls ghost And it sounds it has the line and sounds as the line they serve a greater master now and then turns right smoke Maybe fires a fire arrow like lights some like the sigil on fire. It would have been much better.
Okay, so let's do Predictions for the final episode of the season. I predict that Sansa and Jon are just gonna chill at Winterfell now Like what else do they have to do?
They do have the problem of hey sis Why don't you mention little finger? I was a little embarrassed why cuz he's a cuz he's kind of skeevy We could still kick him out now. I don't think they can I think little fingers got a pretty significant army there I'm becoming more and more convinced that lady stoneheart is a real thing and that she's gonna show up at the end of this episode We're gonna resolve this trial And if the high Sparrow is not severed in half by zombie mountain, then I will not watch Game of Thrones next year This is like that. I'm taking the stance. No, I'll probably I was like what I know There's a lot of bravado. You didn't have to call me out, but that's fine Hey everyone, thanks for watching whatever video this is we are crack calm And we're excited to tell you that starting this Saturday We're going to be going from five to six videos a week every week from now until the end of time Because we've just got so much so stick around every Saturday for more jokes and make them ups from us We are now on the set of our breakfast Club remake We're very inattentive to the source material. I Like the six is the most videos we'll ever do but that's from now until the end of time is just six We made it there could never be any more than six Subscribe subscribe subscribe. I was being ali sheedy just now |
dropout | dire_consequences_hot_pepper_improv | I'm Kevin Corrigan. And I'm Brian Murphy.
We're about to break a wishbone. Loser has to eat a habanero pepper. And then perform live improv in front of a sold out crowd. Three, two, one.
You fucking did it! You got it by yourself! That's your fault! I had my phone right here. I'm smart. You're dumb.
The Murk is still insisting that he didn't cheat. Everyone I've asked says that what he's doing is cheating. No one's saying it on camera. But trust me, everyone thinks Murk's a dirty cheater. I just got to suck it up and go out there because I'm a gentleman. I'm honorable, unlike Murk.
Probably going to feel like they're goblins trying to claw their way into my stomach for the rest of the night. And that won't even be part of the video. It's just going to be the aftermath. It's going to be lovely.
I hope I'm far found habanero puke and it gets in Murk's eye and he goes blind. I don't know if I'm nervous because I'm walking out on stage in front of 200 people or if it's because I'm about to eat a habanero pepper. For me, it's not the habanero pie at all. We got our habaneros here. Which one should Kevin eat? We're about to do a live dire consequences for you. We're going to do a short improv set. But before we do it, Kevin has to eat a habanero pepper because he lost when we pulled the wishbone. He drew the short side.
If you think choking up on the bone is cheating, clap for me right now. It doesn't matter what you think. At all. You still have to eat this. Oh God. Yeah. That must just feel like fire. Like Satan is just taking a dump in your mouth right now. Okay, it's starting to kick in. Can I please have a one word suggestion? My hands are kind of going numb right now. Oh God. She's not going to be able to fall asleep unless you really get into it. Are you overcome with emotion right now? Yes, exactly what's happening.
Can you tell us the 12 names of the people you were with in Africa? What? Oh my God, Brad Pitt, you're so cool. Do all of fight club. No talking about fight club. Second world fight club. That's it. Brad Pitt, you are so built, you should just do some push ups.
Brad? Brad, say something.
Oh, you guys are playing with one of those singing dogs. You know, if you pull it really hard, it screams at the top of its lungs. Go, go, go, go.
All right, let's give this guy some water. Give Kevin a round of applause. Kevin, I'm here to help. Oh, thank you.
That was awful. Thanks everyone for watching Dyer Consequences. I hope you had fun. I know I did. I hope you had as much fun as my guts are on fire. |
TheOnion | Tinder_Swipes_Right_On_Big_Changes_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_12 | Tinder announces some big changes to their platform. Could the new features help you find a date before Valentine's Day, or are you just a sad, sorry sack of shit who's destined to be alone forever?
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. If you're tired of your loveless existence, then look no further, because we've got what it takes to kickstart your libido. Stay with us.
The Topical is presented by Cash App, the easiest way to send and receive money. If you download it today, an executive from Cash App will come to your house and personally give you $100. Jesus Christ, that's six times my salary. I know what I'll be downloading today, Cash App Me. Download Cash App today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code TOPICAL.
The popularity of dating apps to find that special someone has skyrocketed in the last decade, in the U.S., 4 out of 10 couples now meet online. Wait, so does that mean 8 out of 10 people who then pair off to make 4 out of 10 couples? Or 4 out of 10 people who go on to make 2 out of 10 pairs?
I was never good at this kind of stuff.
Anyway, one popular dating app hopes to increase the number of matches its users make. Tinder is loosening its core compatibility criteria. The app's creators say they will no longer match users solely with distant relatives. Here with the details is OPR dating technology correspondent Alan Potts.
Hi Alan. Hi Leslie.
Since its debut in 2012, Tinder has been one of the hottest apps for single people to connect with kinfolk in their area. Now, the company is expanding its algorithm so lonely lovers can cast a wider net beyond just long-lost siblings, unwitting in-laws, and third cousins once removed. Here's Tinder spokesperson Jake Neely. From casual hookups with distant aunts and uncles to long-term relationships between twins separated at birth, Tinder has been the premier app for incestual dating for years. But as of today, swiping right no longer means you will automatically be paired with someone who shares at least 12% of your DNA.
What should Tinder users expect going forward? Well, according to the FAQ section inside the Tinder app, the interface itself will remain the same. Users still swipe right to match with possible suitors and left to pass. The only difference is users now stand about a 20% chance of connecting with someone outside their gene pool. Tinder wouldn't be the first phone app to work consumers by introducing a major change like this. What's been the response so far? I spoke with a few Tinder users, and here's what they had to say.
What? Wait, what? I said, will you still use Tinder even though they are now pairing couples who are not blood relatives? Oh my god, what the fuck?
Are you being for real?
Whoa, looks like not everyone is pleased with the new and improved Tinder. That's right, but the dating app isn't stepping too far from what made it popular in the first place. For an additional $3.99 per month, premium users can access the new incest plus feature where they can be matched exclusively with siblings or parents.
Valentine's Day. It's the most romantic of all holidays, and it's only one day away, but this celebration of love can often be stressful, especially for those still scrambling to figure out the best gift for their loved ones. To help in your search for that special something for your special someone, OPR relationship expert Martha Saunders joins us now. So Martha, what do you think would make the perfect V-Day present this year? Martha? I don't know, Leslie. What do you think would make the perfect Valentine's Day gift this year?
Well, I don't know. And that's the problem, isn't it?
As February 14th draws near, studies show that a majority of girlfriends, wives, boyfriends, husband, and casual partners agree that over the past year, they've been very clear about what they want this upcoming holiday. And at least two-thirds believe that if their significant other had been paying attention at all in the past six months, they would have at least picked up on one of the hints they've dropped by now. Interesting. How would you respond to claims that sometimes people are just too hard to buy for and that it's the thought that counts? While it's true that up to 70% of partners just want something that shows a little thought and care, that usually means not something you pull out of your ass the day before. Partners should also take under advisement that if they aren't able to even say, pick up on a favorite color, or ask a mutual friend for advice, it really makes it seem like they aren't even trying. But what about listening to this doesn't count? Okay, but I have here some counter research that indicates that many individuals feel their significant other is hard to read, or may say they want one thing, but then not want it later. Actually, that study was found to be incorrect upon peer review. I have here instead, an alternative study from the University of Iowa finding that even in such a case of miscommunication, if a person thought for just one single second about who their partner was as a person, they would be able to read between the lines. Be that as it may, many of our listeners may feel like this is way too much pressure to put on one little gift and it shouldn't undo all they've done to make this relationship work. That study went on to further conclude that the pressure was really on this year, especially after the respondents whiffed their two-year anniversary in September by giving their partners a coupon for a free back rub because they thought it would be cute.
Well, you know what? Some of our listeners might really like back rubs. What would you say to them, huh? I would tell listeners that it is not wrong to have expectations, and also that you shouldn't be demonized for having feelings.
And that the main takeaway from this whole thing is that if the partners in question aren't even able to do one nice thing just once a year, it points to a much bigger issue. The study assumed that subjects had at least booked a dinner reservation, right? Uh, no, the participants didn't think they would need to reserve anything this early. Well, then it looks like the majority of Americans currently in relationships are gonna have to be stuck at home again this Valentine's Day.
You know what? Fuck it. Just give your partner whatever dog shit you were planning on because you're probably gonna be single next year anyway. Honestly, it'd be nice to get some fucking peace and quiet for once. What did you say?
That's OPR's Martha Saunders. Oh, no, we are not done with this segment. Alright, top heads, time to get real.
We know you have way too many options when it comes to daily news podcasts, but we're gonna go ahead and tell you about one more anyway. Today Explained from Fox. It's unlike any other news podcast out right now. Huh, is that right? Every day the team picks an essential news story that defines our moment. Hmm, sounds familiar. And then host Sean Rama's firm sits down with some of the world's best journalists, academics, and policymakers to help us understand it. Jesus, should have just named it the topical. From the Brexit drama and 2020 presidential candidate issues to TikTok and Old Town Road, Today Explained isn't just for political junkies, it also explains a lot of other stuff that doesn't matter either. Hey, you already listen to like twelve other podcasts every day, what's the harm in one more? So if you haven't already, go ahead and subscribe to Today Explained from Vox, wherever you get your podcasts. Alright, enough with all the chocolate candies and smooches, here's what else you need to know today.
Louisiana became the 50th state to officially ban execution by throwing someone out of a helicopter. A series of botched aerial executions led the state to ban the method for good and revert back to the state's preferred method of capital punishment, throwing an inmate out of the back of a john bowed into a swamp full of gators.
In local news, an anonymous kidnapper was pleasantly surprised today to find the word ransom in the magazine he was cutting letters out of. Initial estimates believe the kidnapper's good fortune may have saved him upwards of 30 minutes on his ransom note.
And finally, some big news here at OPR. The topical has been ranked the most listened to podcast among coronavirus quarantine zones. It's a huge honor and an accomplishment that we really could not have done without all of you, so from everyone here at OPR, thank you. Can't wait to get those numbers even higher next month.
Well that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price. Join us again tomorrow because let's face it, you got nothing else going on. See you then. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jake_gyllenhaal_and_nicolas_cage_saturday_night_live | And now it's time for Gettin' The Cage, a new segment where actor Nicholas Cage sits down with a fellow thespian to discuss the craft in their recent work. please welcome Nicholas Cage and Jake Gyllenhaal. Seth, before we start, let me just say that I'm thrilled to be here with one of my acting heroes, uh, Mr. Nicholas Cage. Oh, that's very kind of you, Jake.
And now that I have you here, let's begin with a question about your new movie, Source Code. Source Code, Yeah. it's about a soldier who sent back in time to stop a terrorist attack. that's right. So my question is, how am I not in that movie? What?
It has both of the classic elements of a Nick Cage movie. One, it combines time travel with screaming. Two, I'm told the actors were paid.
Look, Mr. Cage, I'm sorry you were in source code, but maybe you were too busy. No, no. I've made two movies a month for the last five years. I'm never too busy to turn out another Block Duster. um, um, I'm sorry, did you say block duster? The age of the Blockbuster is over, Seth. it's covered in dust. Pirates of the Caribbean is a Blockbuster? I don't have time to argue with you, Seth. if I don't finish my segment, people will die.
That's not true. That is Not true.
Prove me wrong, Seth, And you. you lack the key quality to being a film star, a hairline that's constantly moving up and down your skull, almost as if each individual follicles on a spring that reacts to anger. Okay, I'll work that out. I can tell you're confused by me. I want an Oscar. that's my mystique. am I a genius or a madman? Well, the answer is, a madman. See, I thought you were gonna say a little of both. No, not the case. all madman. And you, even now as I break your Frankenstein face, you find yourself compelled by me. you can't take your eyes off my strange skin and lips that dance and quiver like banana slugs doused in salt. Look, Mr. Cage, I'm sorry that you were in a source code, Okay? No, but you're doing fine, man. you're in every movie. you're like the white Samuel L. Jackson. that's high praise. But don't worry about me.
I've got big plans. Oh, yeah? what are you gonna do next? I'm gonna have sex with the Declaration Of Independence.
Nick Cage and Jake Dillon Hall, Everyone! Nick The Cage! Thank you so much. thank you very much. you got me, Cage. |
SaturdayNightLive | bp_oil_spill_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | And now, a message from the people who ruined our ocean. Good evening. I'm Tony Heywood from British Petroleum. I'm Steven Newman from Transocean. and I'm Tim Probert from Halliburton. we're back. you've probably heard we've made several attempts to contain the spill. an early plan was called the Top Hat. that's where we tried to cover the leak with a large containment tank. This plan did not work. Then we tried something involving a giant tube. this plan was dear to my heart because it was a suggestion of my five-year-old daughter. it was a total failure. we've also announced a new plan called the Junk Shot. that's where we shoot a pile of garbage at the leak and try to plug it up. Now, that one hasn't failed yet, but we're confident it will. those are the only plans we've announced so far. but tonight, we've come together to assure you we have many other ideas. ideas formulated by our top scientist using state-of-the-art technology. the first plan is called Dolphins with Mops. that's where we round up a bunch of dolphins and scotch tape mops to their fins. it may not work, but rest assured, Halliburton will make a profit. our next plan is called the Schweppes Offensive. that's where we fight the oil spill head-on with a bunch of club soda. club soda gets everything out. Now, you might ask, how could that possibly work? Another idea we have is the Oil Whisperer. we would hire someone like the Dog Whisperer, but for oil. And he would go up to the oil and say, bad Oil, Stop it. And there are many more, like Aquaman, blame the French, duct tape. and our personal favourite, the back-up plan. that's where we blow this whole oil mess off and go see J.lo's No Romantic Comedy, the back-up plan. it might not help, but I think we could all use the laughs. no matter what happens, we just want to assure the American people that we will stop this leak, we will clean up this mess, and we will get back to do what we do best, robbing you blind at the gas pump.
And finally, live from New York, it's Saturday night! Thanks for watching! |
dropout | this_movie_will_pass_the_bechdel_test | This summer, from the studio that brought you Sex Ninjas, Hot Dog Scooter, and Chubby Chaser PD, comes a little something for the ladies. That's right, it's the Bechdel Test, the movie. Written by the guys who brought you Rock Steel, Race Cars in Hell, and the Entourage movie. Trust us, this movie will pass the test.
Hey Jesse, whatever happened to that teaching job that you applied for? Oh I didn't tell you. I got it. Oh, congratulations. Thank you for asking, Stacy. Oh, and Debbie, I saw that you went on a trip to France. I did. It was really fun, and I loved the wine they have there.
That's it. That's the whole test. And now that we've passed, we can cut the bullshit and do what we do best.
Tying up women. Who curls face off?
That's more like it. Come on. Now this is a movie that people want to see. Hey, how much for a blowjob? It's not disgusting because we gave you that scene where the ladies talked about lady things. I mean, it's gonna be okay.
You don't understand me. No one does.
Help! Save me! My father is very important!
Okay, you got a paper cut. What, you got wax in your ears? Take a fucking walk, huh? I'm gonna cut off your hair, and I'm gonna make you a beard out of it.
Okay. Yeah. Oh!
I got a wound to my soul. I had a bad day too.
Hey, don't say nothing, all right? You already had your chance. Now go get me another scotch. This summer, grab a girlfriend, one who has a name, and bring her to the Bechdel Test. Coming soon. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_sarah_mclachlan_on_dogs_in_need_snl | Plans this week were announced for a Lilith Fair 2010, the popular all-female summer music Festival, ran from 1997 to 1999. it was co-founded by Sarah Mclaughlin. Here to talk about it now is Sarah Mclaughlin.
Thanks for having me. Do me, Dad, me, Dad, me, Day.
Sarah, I have to tell you, I am so excited about Lilith Fair. I am also so, so excited, Seth. Lilith Fair means so much to me.
But there's something else I want to talk to you about, Seth. What's that?
The Dogs. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No. The Dogs, Seth. Do me, Dad, me, Dad, me, Day. we talked about this, and you agreed you weren't going to bring up those dogs from those creepy Aspca commercials. Seth, all the dogs you are about to see are dead or about to die. No, don't show the dogs. the arms of the angels. this dog's house is in foreclosure.
No. Fly Away from Here. Oh, I hate these commercials. this dog is a single mother. What? Hey, I do believe I failed you. I for real broke my hand last year, trying to get to the remote to change the candle during this commercial. this dog committed dog suicide. Do me, Dad, me, Dad, Me, Day. Oh, these commercials are the worst. there is nothing wrong with this dog. Oh. oh, good. Except that he was molested by this dog. No.
Do me, Dad, me, Dad, Me, Day. that is Enough. Sarah Mclaughlin, Everyone. Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, yes. |
TheOnion | Predator_Drone_Court_Martialed_For_Afghani_Civilian_Deaths | This is the Onion News Network report first ask questions later All right Let's go now to the case the whole nation is watching at the military trial of mq1 military drone tr4 to 5 for last September's tragic bombing of an Afghan wedding After nearly a month of various testimony the tr4 to 5 itself will finally take the stand today To answer for the bombings which killed more than 300 Afghan civilians and stirred widespread outrage across the globe Of course we all remember the President Obama was quick to call for investigations after the incident and within three hours the Pentagon had charged tr 425 with single-handedly carrying out the attack these atrocities were the work of one drone acting alone Now evidence shows that there wasn't a single US soldier within 100 miles of the targeted area when the bombing occurred We're all as shocked as anyone that the drone would break protocol like this so far military prosecutors have turned over Significant evidence of the drones history of violent behavior and military Psychiatrists have testified to the tr4 to 5 has a personality disorder the drone is yet to publicly claim innocence Okay folks, that's all the time we have right Christian |
cracked | 5_reasons_groot_is_the_greatest_hero_of_the_21st_century_guardians_of_the_galaxy | I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot. Thank you, thank you, I am a professional impressionist, and that was my impression of you guys, the internet, since August. Actually, since way before August, since July 2012, when Marvel announced a movie based on a comic book no one had ever heard of, and you immediately devianted up the cutest, grootist drawings you could like a bunch of crazy people. And once we all grokged Groot on screen, you made everything from a Groot soundboard to archive of our own f**k yarns in Groot's pro style, to a button that Grootifies every webpage ever. You're all obsessed with a tree speaking in Dominic Toretto's voice, and you know what? You should be. Groot is the best new-ish hero to come along in years, and he's as valid as any other hero who's ever existed.
Or not existed, because science says tons of your heroes are fictional. When Professors Simon Allison and George Goethals did a study asking people who their heroes are, 95% of respondents said they had multiple heroes, and an average of five heroes per person. That means you can have the brain space to be inspired by your parents, and your favorite president, and your favorite fictional character.
And Groot is better than all those heroes because he's more novel. He is a unique and special flower in a sea of summer movie Han Solos. Three of those Han Solos are in Groot's own movie, and the other characters' personalities are secondhand too. Now the whole living tree thing is just an end, but Groot is so much more. He's a cosmic warrior, a friend of nature, he's inarticulate, self-sacrificing, resurrecting. He's like R2-D2 plus Jesus plus weirder, and that weirdness is the secret of us liking him.
To be a hero, you have to learn to be a deviant, because you're always going against the conformity of the group. That's psychologist Philip Zimbardo, who conducted the Stanford Prison Experiment, and his test subjects had to deviate from the norm to be heroes.
So has Groot, and Groot's weirdness also speaks to us as comics fans, because we get weirdness. When you watch Guardians of the Galaxy, you're supposed to identify the most with Star-Lord. He's a pop culture fan like you, a goofball like you, a human on a science fiction adventure. He's basically a Marvel movie geek in a Marvel movie, but Star-Lord's also heroing through a movie that's made half a billion dollars, and he heroes around, looking like that. Star-Lord in Guardians represents Marvel Comics and its movie extension right now. Mainstream, successful, sexy. But if you're someone who grew up years ago as a hardcore fan of the X-Men, or the Avengers, or who ought to help you, the Guardians of the Galaxy, did you feel like the captain of a starship, or a football team, or like someone who could go talk to that attractive classmate?
You might have, but if you did, it wasn't because of comics being cool. Comics were unusual. Comics probably put you at least a little out of step from most people, except for your close friends and raccoons who also connected with Iron Man, and connected with you before Robert Downey Jr. made him Hollywood hot. And comics fans' identification with Tony Stark or Groot isn't passive. Understanding comics, motherf***er, have you read it? We identify with a cartoon character because they're visually abstracted, and identify with certain movie action heroes because their blank faces operate like visual abstractions. Groot is special because in his case, the abstraction goes way beyond the face.
His whole body is a humanoid blank. It's such a blank that even if it gets damaged in a way that would give it more character, it grows right back into its original, literal stick figure. His motivations are a giant blank, too.
It's a violent, defensive friendship with My Little Pony-level complexity. And Groot's three words of dialogue create a verbal blank that pushes your brain to fill in the context. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I am Groot. So what is better than 11%? And when you fill in that dialogue's context, you're doing it in your voice, partly because the actual spoken words come from the world's famous-est crash-test dummy, and mainly because in our world of irony, it feels nice to become part of a wholly sincere character. And people can look at us weird for liking what we like all they want, but that just means they don't get the appeal of the best, weirdest, blankest heroes around. Heroes like Groot, or...
Jedi Knight Grover Batman Cleveland, dealing non-consecutive justice all over Washington Gotham chorus city with his... Oh, come on! And then he's supposed to fly off into... There's like a bat signal with a mustache and then Yoda speaks to him in his head and he knows he has to save the Galactic Commissioner.
He's big, but he uses the fat to his advantage, and it's really sculpted. You know what I mean? And his midichlorians can flow within his stomach. There's a lot of room for them. It's biology, it's kind of a Lucas thing, but it's the good part of it. It's the part that's not shitty from the prequels. It's actually, it's really exciting when you see him in action. You know, he does like a bump move in the game.
I built a game. It's very small, but it's like, it's 8-bit, and if you have an emulator, you can kind of play it. I just really want this to work is the big thing.
Hey guys, thanks for watching the video. Hope you liked it a whole lot. Make sure to subscribe and leave the comments and click the like button to show you liked it. Don't be too mean in the comments. Thanks.
On Monday, Wednesday, Friday, we got brand new videos for you. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, we don't do that. On the weekends, we also don't do that. So be sure to check them out on Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
You guys are the best. I'll crack you later. Thanks for cracking. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_249_Channel_Tres | We've got a special guest in today, someone who we've been following, tracking the trajectory for quite some time now. Channel Tres, thank you for joining us. Channel, we wanted to kind of talk to you a little bit about this trajectory that we have kind of witnessed. We would say it popped up on our radar 2018, early 2019, when we saw you live, it's splinter in the grass.
What's happened with you since then, have you, you know, how did you handle the creativity in the lockdowns and out of that shit and the kind of chaotic couple of years since? I got wasted.
Yep. Living and other things and a lot of making music and eating. And then I realized that I can't live like that. And yeah, so I came back working out a lot sober and yeah, just having a good time now. Living in Los Angeles? Yes. Well, that's a great place to be living clean, man, the home of biohacking. Yeah, it's good.
I mean, you know, you start to see the city different. Bulletproof Coffee? Something like that. Is it a hard place to stay sober in LA? No, I thought it was at first, but it's like, you just see the city differently. You know, there's a lot of like fun things to do and just like different things like, you know, shit I would pass up or wouldn't do or women I wouldn't hang out with, there are different things. So now it's just kind of like, oh, I'm starting to see the city a little different.
Yeah, yeah, shit you'd pass up for a party usually. Yep, pretty much. Now you grew up when we spoke to you backstage back in the day, you were telling us you're from Compton. Yeah.
I'm not really sure of the geographic of Los Angeles. Is that a big area or is it, you know, there's only a select few. It's just outside of Los Angeles. They call it Los Angeles County. So it's like a freeway over, but it's small. It was a big city to me when I was younger, but now that I'm older, I'm like, oh, it's really small.
Everybody knows everybody, different things. Now we're not unfamiliar with Compton mainly due to the saturation of American media in Australia growing up, particularly NWA, Kendrick Lamar, The Game. We've all seen those guys. They come here.
Could you tell us what your influences were growing up? Would it be a wild assumption to think that you were listening to that stuff coming out of there or were you into all kinds of stuff? That stuff was just played naturally, Dr. Dre and Ice Cube and Dub C. That stuff was being naturally played just because of the area I grew up in, but I grew up with my great grandparents, so a lot of oldies, gospel music and jazz and I had to go to church all the time. So I was just surrounded by music just in general.
Playing music at church as well? Yeah, play drums. That's a very strange story. A lot of our musicians come out of the church and one thing we've had in conversations with some are still practicing, some in their mind, particularly when it's Pentecostalism, they break out to play rock and roll music or whatever, and they say it actually gave them a good experience, given them an instrument and an audience so early in life. Did you feel that? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, because in church you have to do maybe for Easter and for Christmas, you got plays, so you have rehearsal, being a drummer, I had to go to rehearsal every Tuesday and then if we would travel, I would play different churches traveling. I played drums at school, so it was just, it's not the same as now, but it gets you in the practice and the regiments and knowing how to show up for a performance and different things like that. So it works, makes sense.
And what age or when did you start looking at music as being a thing that might be a career, something that's like, I'm going to do this full time, or when was it something that you started to pursue? When I was 18. Since I grew up naturally around music, I didn't see it as something that could be a career, but when I turned 18, just filling out college applications and stuff, you've seen that there were music programs and then when I would go to visit different campuses, they would have studios and different things and I was like, oh, I could study this. So I ended up going to school for it.
You went to a private Christian uni in Oklahoma. I wanted to ask about that. What is that like? Like here in Australia, I feel like we have a couple of Christian universities. They're pretty similar to just normal universities, just with a slight Christian element to it.
A lot more nursing. Yeah, a lot more nursing, a lot of teaching, that sort of stuff.
What's it kind of like in America, particularly in Oklahoma, a Christian uni? Oklahoma is what they call the Bible Belt. So that means it's very religious and very right-wing Christianity. That's where a lot of televangelist film and different things.
So it was very, very Christian, like split dorm rooms, all the guys stay here. They make the dorms coed on Sundays or one Sunday a month or some shit and you have a curfew. It sounds pretty strict, man. It was crazy.
I mean, I got through it. I moved off campus maybe my junior year and then I kind of started doing what I wanted to do. But those first couple of years was very sheltered, but it was good for me being from LA. I'm used to like, you know, I've been on my own since 17, so I was just used to living a fast life and kind of doing whatever I wanted. So I kind of needed the structure and some type of like thing to get me through, you know.
Parameters. Yeah.
The religious stuff didn't really stick, but the other things, you know, that I had to do stuck, you know, just different things because I grew up very like, you know, even I grew up with my great grandparents, I still was kind of a street kid. So like I just there's certain things I just didn't know to do, you know, manners, shit like that, you know. And so you picked that up at the college kind of thing? Yeah, I picked it up in school because I was around kids that were homeschooled most of their life or sheltered and different things.
And they, you know, I'm in my dorm room, like, I don't even read the syllabus. You know what I'm saying? I'm just like, whatever, you know, and like, they're up on class and up on shit like way before. And I'm just like, how did y'all notice? Do this in the syllabus or like, you know, they're going to bed early. I'm up all night, you know, smoking weed, coming back to the campus and shit like, you know, I'm just like, oh, okay, if I want to like, you know, kind of catch up to where they're going, I got to change some things in my life. So not a lot of partying from the Christian homeschool kids on Christian college?
I partied a lot. You partied? Yeah. But you had to find a few people? Yeah.
I mean, the people that are like that, we ended up we ended up finding each other. They always find each other, you know, I'm going to walk past them.
I was high most of the time during that time of my life. And then tell me back to LA, back to Compton, or when the question we ask a lot of particular musicians is, when did you know, like, he's asked already, Wendell's already asked, when did you think you were going to do this for a job? When did you know there was no turning back? When did you know that you were gaining traction and this is, you know, and things were going as planned? It's probably my senior year in school.
I was just like, DJing and doing gigs around the city. And you know, I just like, when I got off the plane, my friend invited me to a studio session. I was with CeeLo Green, and we're just producing and stuff. And then I started it started picking up. You know, I had a couple classes to finish. And I was just like, right. You know, I started teaching over the summer for a second. And then I just, you know, I just was like, man, I'm in the studio all night, then I gotta go to this classroom.
And like, I just was like, I mean, I couldn't like, do the normal thing anymore. Like, you know, I started dressing different. I started just wanting to be myself more. I couldn't really keep up the facade of like, trying to be in, like, what is it, blue collar world, something like that. Like, I couldn't really be in that I got, I had to do what I wanted to do creatively, I had to move the way I wanted to move, I had to be able to sit when I wanted to sit and like, really be able to download ideas or different things like that. So I, I knew like, around that time, and I was probably about 22, 23. And yeah, I just kind of, you know, quit all my jobs and like, just did music was homeless for a while, like was couchsurfing, went all in. Yeah, and then it eventually worked out.
So tell me from there, touring, you know, you've marked a different cities, you might go different places. You know, you were all of a sudden in places like Byron Bay, or, you know, different countries, what are some of the lessons you learn? And what are some of the first things that you kind of have to get used to in that kind of world?
Because that, you know, that's an intensive part of the job. People think being a rock star, being a rap star, being a musician, people think that that is the high life.
In fact, musicians have written songs about how people think that one that comes to mind is, you know, money for nothing. By Dire Straits, I think it is, you know, money for nothing and chicks for free.
But it's not that, you're living out of briefcases, you're living out of suitcases, you're living out of hotel rooms, you're backstage with other artists who you all hate each other. Everyone knows that's the case, everyone is secretly rivals.
Like, what was that like, you know, becoming a, I guess, a mercenary in that world? Uh, first, like, yeah, of course I had like a fantasy about it. I'm thinking, like, you know, people gonna hold my hand or tell me how to be here, like, whatever. And the crazy part about this shit, you know, you can get whatever you want, you can do whatever you want, but everything you want to do and everything you want to get is not necessarily the best for you. And so like the first few years of getting into this, you know, of course, women, you know, drugs and fucking staying out all night, playing shows, my voice going hoarse and all kinds of things. Like I'm just getting sick, but, you know, still drinking, just still going crazy, you know, I, I allow my vices to kind of take over and then, you know, um, and then, um, I started to hate it, you know, cause I was like, it's my job now I got to do it because I need money. So I started to hate it. And then, um, that was the kind of good thing about the pandemic. It allowed me to kind of sit back and see if I really wanted to even do this.
Or, you know, I mean, that was never a question.
Of course, this is what I wanted to do, but the reasoning why I want to do it had to change and it had to come from a deeper place of, um, wanting to, um, one, make my family proud, but also like, you know, change the stigma of where I grew up and like, kind of break that statistic and like, you know, really see this as an opportunity to, um, be a good part of history of my city and, you know, and create a good lineage for my family, you know, different things. I'm like the first to do a lot of things in my family. So seeing that mental is not, is not like pressure or something to like resist, but kind of accept it and just like, you know, and just try to treat this different and really realize that a lot of people would dream to do this, you know, and I can do this. So just kind of like, look at it from that angle, instead of using it as a platform to just be, you know, self-sabotage or whatever. Have as much fun as possible.
Yeah.
So, and was going sober, was that a big part of falling back in love with music? Uh, I was always in love with music. I think it just helped me not trauma vomit over everything anymore. Just, that's funny that you mentioned this, um, very admirable kind of turnaround because the next question we're going to ask you is if you remembered meeting us in AAA at a splendor in the grass.
Probably not. Wait, were y'all the ones that gave me that damn pen and it was DMT? That wasn't y'all.
But we met you before that down back to the back tent. You came up to us and you said, man, these Australians, they're not very fun to party with. What are you guys doing? And we were, we were standing in a tent by ourselves and, um, we hung out for a little while, but yeah, we, uh, we partied and to your credit, he came good with the tickets. He offered us while we were partying. He came, DMed us and said, he said, uh, tickets to a, who are you touring with then?
Was it Gambino? Yeah. Gambino.
You offered us a tickets. We couldn't make it, but it was in Sydney.
So, uh, see, I was a nice guy. Yeah. That's, you know, that's that very like, oh, backstage later night. Yeah. I saw each other on Instagram and then he DMed a couple of days later. I said, man, this is a real one. Yeah. I'm still, and that was apparently you and your bad boy days. So you must be a real good guy now. Yeah. I mean, I'm not, I never, I never really was bad. I just like, I just like to go to the edge of just like, I just like having fun. Yeah. And, and probably much younger than now. You would have been in your mid twenties then. Yeah. I was about 26. So I could handle it. Yeah.
No, I'm, uh, Dave, Dave was there, British musician. We were all, um, anyway, the listeners don't want to hear about how much fun we have doing these interviews. So music festivals hanging out.
Um, I had a question I wanted to ask you about, we're a podcast based out here in regional Queensland, inland Australia, Compton house, you're described as the inventor of Compton house. How would you describe Compton house to some of our listeners? How would you describe it? What would it be?
It's just basically what I do as far as like, just, um, taking the influence that I've had with house music and then kind of also the mix of like West coast kind of flow with that. So it's just kind of what I call what I do.
Yeah. The blend of like certain things you put together. Yeah. One thing about the West coast and the Compton kind of origins that you can go into any kind of club, any kind of a gym, any kind of place where there's a lot of kind of, um, any active environment where there's a lot of movement and you're going to hear, you know, the DNA of G funk, which has always been interesting to me. Uh, just because it has stood the test of time, you know, and that we're talking almost 35, 40 years ago when this all started happening, do you feel inspired by that particular sound? The synth, you know, the, you know, real motherfucking G's. What was the, um, the original synth that we used to, you know, like the Dr. Dre and, uh, those kind of guys, the move. Yeah. Um, yeah. It's the squeals that you all know. Yeah. Battle Cat is the creative G funk, um, it's producer from Los Angeles. But, um, yeah, you know. Is that in your D, the golden thread of your music? Yeah.
It goes back to like, you know, parliament and, you know, George Clinton, different things like that. And so that's just the sound of Palm trees. And is that what you think? Like Palm trees and lowriders. That's how I grew up. Yeah, for sure. Are you feeling the community, the people who live among the Palm trees and the lowriders responding and feeling that in your music? Um, I think so.
I, we got some sold out shows in LA, so I think so. I'm kind of like, I mean, a lot of my big bros are like, you know, tied down the sign and the Terrace Martin, like, you know, Thundercat, different things. Those are all LA musicians and like, you know, everybody kind of just, you know, we know what we got there. And like, you know, I grew up with a lot of those dudes in church and stuff. So it's like, yeah, they're responding. You know, everybody's responding, you know, it just speaks to the versatility of, you know, Los Angeles. And like, it's just a lot of genes has come up from there, you know.
And then when you bring that sound around the world, where are you finding these pockets of fans? You know, that's the one thing I said about music in today. And one thing you can see with it is, you know, people from all over the world have access to you and what you're making, you know, what your, your output, are you finding fans in places you didn't even think of, or you certainly didn't have in mind when you were making the music? Um, I think I leaned over to like, when I got into techno and house music, I think I leaned like to that, that sound more so to like kind of break through with fans, you know, and like also with the performance and also I'm a DJ, so I'm playing like, you know, I'm playing, you know, and the DJ said, I'm playing all kinds of stuff, you know, and, you know, with the live show, I think if you're just a fan of like performance and like entertainment and like, you know, of like, pop star shit, you know, like, I think you'll love my show. Cause I love, I love bridging the underground in the mainstream and that's just kind of how I do. And then like, you know, I've heard that, like, you know, my show is the type of show that if you're not a fan and you come watch it, you're just going to like it anyway. Cause it's so entertaining. So I've become a fan.
Yeah. Just going to have a good time. Cause I feel like Australia, you blew up 2018 in Australia. And that was, that was big. Like that was like, yeah. When you're out here, was that happening in other places around the world or were you first on it? Australia was first for sure. We came over here and that was like my first time really touring like this. So it was pretty crazy. And then, um, you know, I went back to LA and just built, I mean, went back to the U S and just built it from small venues, you know, 100 people rooms, 200 people rooms, uh, opening for artists and, you know, just building it like that. And then, you know, this year was really a breakout year for me, just doing a U S tour and just being, selling out different places and different things and, you know. Yeah. Cause I, you've got, uh, Rana sold out shows in big cities across America.
What are the best places to go to? Where do you have the most fun?
And maybe that's like a double question in the sense of now you're more sober. Well, now he has otherwise. Has it changed? Yeah. Has it kind of changed?
No, I mean, I think I'm having more fun now because, uh, I think one thing I realized, uh, I was like, I'm already on a high from just shows and just doing what I'm like, living my dreams. So it's like, I don't need to add anything else to it. I'm just kind of like, I'm good.
You know, like my highest sleep now, you know, a beautiful, a beautiful woman, you know, something like that. There's nice, fluffy hotel beds. You know, I got washing machines in the hotels here, which is really amazing.
Do your own shit. I love it. Anyway, we've, um, we've enjoyed this chat and, um, and we're, we're loving the direction you're heading, man. We, um, obviously we're all fans and we're all listening to you and, uh, we hope to see you in action, you know, for many, many more decades. Hmm. Definitely. And I think you're on the right trajectory to do that now. Clear mind, clean eating.
He's in LA now going to art shows and shit. So, um, it's a bit different to old, uh, Barney's Beanery down there in West Hollywood.
Thanks for joining us, General Trez. Appreciate it. Thank you. |
TheOnion | Nike_Releases_New_Olympic_Track_Suits_Designed_To_Limit_Penis_Wind_Resistance | This is why we should be able to arrest anyone at any time for any reason, and you have the right to remain yelling, Doc. Tell them what we're doing. Sometimes certain sports stories are so awful to talk about, they hasten our deaths. The best we can do is choose how it happens. This is pick your poison.
Drink up, Kenny. It's either a chivalrous LeBron James draping his compression sleeve upon a cold-armed lady or Dale Earnhardt Jr. promising to repeat his just-ended streak of 143 consecutive NASCAR losses. I'm chugging Jr.'s antifreeze.
His reign of losing may have come to an end. He's not done losing yet, Kenny. He's vowed to break his own record with 144 defeats. That kind of losing is unbeatable, even for Junebug.
Now pick your poison. Will it be the Thunder fans from Game 2 remaining in the arena to wait for Game 6 or the success of the Heat's new offense designed to have Mario Chalmers standing in everyone's way? I didn't listen to the first thing you said. This Chalmers-clogged offense is great strategy by Spolstra. True, every great kitchen has an extra chef who stands around trying to sniff what's in the pots, but Chalmers isn't up to the task.
I saw way too many unimpeded drives to the basket by LeBron. That was when James Jones was on the court.
Switch up that smug look on your face with a dying one and pick your poison. Will it be the lip-eating bacteria that the LA Kings caught from kissing the Stanley Cup or the new Nike Olympic tracksuits that sculpt the penis into a more aerodynamic shape? Peter Piper picked a peck of poison penis, Kenny, and I'm going the same route. These new suits are transforming the game, shaping the penis into a perfectly symmetrical fin that hugs the lower abdomen and lets runners slice through the air like penis face sharks. Doc, your words sicken me and the Greeks. The performance limiting effect of a loose penis has always been an essential part of sports. Tuck it out of the equation and you can throw out the record books. The Olympics were always meant to showcase the evolution of penis use in sports. The penis is supposed to fight back, Doc, and flop around like a trout. Now before I gut and clean you, that's it for pick your poison. But here's the antidote.
A clip of me in a new documentary called All the Kingsmen, the 94-95 Sacramento Kings. You have got to understand, every year there are teams that have the potential to be perfectly mediocre, but no one has ever put it together like that Kings team. They were immaculately middle of the road. Check it out, Goon Fights. First part airs Sunday at 6 on OSN.
I'm asleep, Kenny. Watching that made me fall asleep and all my talking is snoring. You snore too articulately, Doc. I can't hear you over the sound of my snoring. |
dropout | collegehumor_s_open_letter_to_miley_cyrus | Miley Cyrus, we at College Humor are shocked, offended, and disappointed in you. We have never seen behavior like yours before. You're taking pop culture to entirely brand new lows. It is unheard of for someone to shed their wholesome Disney image and start parading their body around like some kind of hussy.
Coming through. I'm gonna pick up on it. For Pete's sake, no other artist has ever shamelessly juxtaposed innocent and mature themes.
Pretended to engage in lesbian behavior to get attention. I kissed a girl.
Rised around on the floor, looking like they haven't showered in a dadgum week. Gonna get a little bit sipsuit. And wrecking ball? Frolicking around in your birthday suit? Cheese and crackers.
That is not normal pop star behavior. Now put your hands up. See ya. And that's about the time she won. And it's not just your videos. You tarnished Rolling Stone's flawless reputation with this topless cover baloney. Not to mention you recently became the first human ever to use sexuality to get attention at the VMAs. Goodness sakes alive, Miss Cyrus. A nationwide broadcast is not a platform for you to use your body in some kind of cheap publicity stunt.
Honestly, Miley, we feel bad for you. You're nothing but a helpless victim in all this, being played for the fool by your handlers who are just out to make a quick buck. This is definitely not the latest chapter of your long-term meticulously planned transition from your childhood persona to the next stage of your career. Miss Rae Cyrus, we are appalled by your trailblazing acts of debauchery. We demand that you maintain the image you had as a 12-year-old forever.
I found you this purdy shell over by the tide pool. Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse us, we're gonna go back inside the sealed vault we've all been living in since the Nixon administration. |
cracked | donald_trump_finally_embraces_the_hitler_comparisons_cracked_responds | Hey, hey, hey, hey, how do you both feel about freedom? Pretty great. It's all right. I like it. Okay.
How do you feel about songs even better? Oh Music songs music songs. They're my favorite.
Yeah one and two really you're gonna love this border and a recent Trump rally These children performed this song about freedom for Trump. I feel less good about the Donald Trump Jam real jump jammy start First word is cowardice. Are you serious? Did North Korea write this if it seems so He did say in an interview recently that he admires Kim Jong-un Google that I don't care. It's true Come on boys take them down. I like how aggressive who's making these little girls be right cuz they're terrified North Korea wrote it and no one proofread it Would it have killed him to move the podium because clearly there was adult intervention in making this happen None of these people have heard the song yet No, so why do you put a call-and-answer portion into your song? That's gonna be fun when Donald Trump is on Dancing with the Stars next season When he has to do this dance. Oh Yes, that's gonna be I'll finally tune into that show A meritude That's a better slogan than I make America great again Trump true a meritude This like this woman in the back and the rest she like loves it she's laughing She's like going to her neighbor's like do you believe these girls? They're great There's a young girl up there in the corner whose face just stays stone the entire time She's haunted. He could pay a professional musician to write this song or A professional choreographer to choreograph this day or even better He can do it himself or he can do it himself and it seems like he did that Yeah, yeah, it seems like maybe this is a passion project for a step clap. Yeah official dance of white people everywhere Step and clap step and clap. They know who they're marketing to much to the chagrin of these three girls This is gonna live on the internet forever. Yeah, it's poor freedom kids real quick.
I want to show you Another song freedom. We got freedom and now that we can be free. Come on and celebrate power We got power and now that we can be free. It's time to celebrate This is the song that the Ewok sing at the end of return of the Jedi.
It's a better put together song Yeah, it makes more sense. It flows better from a patriotic standpoint Deal from strength or get crushed every time Thanks for watching Click subscribe subscribe and the like button leave a comment. Don't be a dick crush your enemies |
dropout | Grunge_Rock_Song_About_a_Teddy_Bear_Wedding_Play_It_By_Ear | I'm going to interrupt because I don't know what's coming next, but I just want to make sure this next song involves some sort of grunge rock. I got a bunch of bears, so like if that's helpful, let me know and I'll use that. Yeah, in some ways a friendship is a stronger tether than dark magic. Are you saying with this bear ivy what? Whoa. Oh, was that a gross miscalculation? That's more of a raining than a bear thing, but no. I'm not ready to get married yet.
No, no, it's okay. It's okay.
None of us were thinking about that. We weren't thinking about having just one big wedding for all of us.
No, oh, you know, it would be so cute though if like the bears had a big wedding. That would be so cute. Like one's got a little groom bear and there's not a little groom bear and there are two bears and they're getting married. Okay, I think I have a good idea. What if we throw a wedding for the bears and Jerry's like, that's too cute, I can't miss it. He comes because nothing's cuter than a bear wedding. Okay, we have a gay bear wedding. We invite Jerry.
He's no way he's missing the gay bear one. No one would ever miss it. Yeah, it's a bear honey trap.
It's a perfect plan. This is a perfect plan.
Playing a trap for a janitor. The perfect trap we dare.
Okay! It's a gay bear wedding. Okay!
It's a gay bear wedding. And none of it will be ironic. Yeah! And all of it will be iconic. Yeah! There will be a single drop of rain on your wedding day. And everyone will gather.
And it's like we're in Seattle. Because this is the hottest town around. There's nothing that could be cuter than what we found. They've got matching tuxedos. Matching little boots on their paws. That's cute! And everyone is looking around. Obviously because...
Okay! It's a gay bear wedding. Okay!
It's a gay bear wedding. Knock knock Mr. Janitor. I've got an invitation for you. Who's there? It's the wedding of a century. And me and you. I would like to go to a wedding. What will it be like there? It's a gay old wedding. But between two teddy bears.
Okay! It's a gay bear wedding. Okay! Hooray! Okay!
It's a gay bear wedding. Here we are now. Ready! And I've got one hand in my pocket. And the other one is giving a ring to a bear. There's a bear groom. And a bear groom. And they are here. For a wedding. For a gay bear. And another.
Not related. They're not brothers.
Here we are now. At a gay bear wedding. Here we are now.
At a gay bear wedding. Anyone has a reason to think two gay bears should not be wed.
Speak now or forever hold your peace. Jerry?
No, I love it. I love it. |
dropout | Conversion_Therapy | Hello everybody, and welcome to Tales from the Closet. That's right, it's spooky. Welcome to our thirteenth episode. I'm Ally Beardsley, your host. This is a podcast for people who are in the closet, people who are out of the closet, people who are near the closet. If you're currently in the closet, we're here to keep you company. And we will be discussing coming out, how we did it, and living well, how we do it.
That was a brand new intro for me. It was really pieced together. If you're listening to this in its podcast form, know that there is also a video, so you too could know how many candles I'm holding.
Spoiler alert, it's only 12. We couldn't find the thirteenth candle, and he said, maybe it's the light within.
And I would like for us to all sit with that. Let's pray.
No, just kidding.
Let's meet our guests. I'm very excited. We have three amazing guests today.
Who are you? What do you like to do? What are your pronouns?
Let's start with you, Annie. Cool. My name is Annie Paradis. My pronouns are she, her. I like, I'm gonna start jogging again, which has been a journey, because I haven't jogged in a while.
And yeah, I do comedy. Nice. Yeah.
So when you say jog, you're like, I'm not pushing myself to run. I'm just gonna go out. I'm gonna briskly jog. I'm gonna ease into it.
I set a two minute timer. I jog for two minutes. I walk for two minutes.
I come back in, because I broke my foot last year, so I've been trying to come back to my body. I feel like that honestly says a lot about me, because I think I would do the same thing, but I would tell people that I run. Yeah. That's why I said jog. I was like, jog. I'm not running, but I'm jogging. It's very honest of you. I'd be like, yeah, I started running again. In my mind, I know I'm kind of jogging for a couple minutes, and then I'm walking. It's a quick walk. I keep the music up tempo, so everything is there. Yeah, that's been a new development for me.
Love it. Yeah. How do you identify? On the spectrum. Yeah.
On the Kinsey scale.
Give us a number now. One to six. I'm like four.
I don't know. No. I'm kidding.
I'm queer. I say, it's been recently bisexual. I thought I was gay for five years, so it's been a new coming back out again. I just don't like the phrase bisexual.
That's interesting. It feels, which I'm sure we'll get, maybe we'll get, I don't know. We absolutely have to talk about that. Yeah.
I just feel like it connotates, I feel like if you watch the show Bisexual on Hulu, she talks about it, which I really recommend that show, where she's a lesbian, and then she realizes she's a bisexual. And so, yeah, I just feel like it's very like tequila tequila, and it's like these hot girls just making out on the weekends. And I'm like, not a hugely sexual person, I'm just like, well, the phrase bisexual has the word sexual in it, so it's been an interesting journey to be like, in my own internalized, I think there's a word for it, not homophobia, but bi-of. Biphobia.
Yeah, where I've been like, oh, I didn't think that was real. Totally, yeah.
You see zero bisexual men growing up. All you see are Pepsi-sponsored kisses at the VMAs between Madonna and fucking Britney experience, and you're like, oh, cool, that's bisexuality, great.
Yeah. Yeah, so it's been kind of weird, I feel like I've come out, because a lot of my friends that I was in Philly, they all thought of me as gay, and now that I've dated a few guys out here, it's like, a lot of my friends are like, but you're gay. And I'm like, I don't know. Oh, I love that. That's a really interesting move, yeah. Also tequila tequila. Yeah.
Yeah. Crazy.
All right, Liza, who are you? I'm Liza, hi. My pronouns are they, them. And what else, oh, I'm a musician.
Yeah, oh, identifies queer. Cool. Yeah. But that's really interesting. I used to identify more as gay, and I still think about this a lot, how like, with all of these different gender identities, and like, non-binary being such a thing, identifying in a way that's binary, how does that feel? Yeah. I don't want to like, I guess we're going down the line, but I want to talk about that. Yes, totally. Because that's kind of interesting. Yeah, because it's like, I also identify as non-binary, and if I'm like, I'm gay, you know, it's like, am I gay? I mean, it's so dependent on like, check the box gender. Exactly, yeah. But yeah, I also switch to queer, feels more inclusive. But also, yeah, I just, it's close, but it's not exactly what I want. Right, yeah. Yeah. Because there's people's expectations, I think, of if you're gay, you know what I mean? There's no room, there's no room for you to be in any way different than that binary system. Yeah.
Which is like, so frustrating.
And I feel like when I first came out, I was like, I'm gay, like it was so nice to be able to like, claim like, a very binary gay, because it was fighting back against a very heteronormative like reality. It was like, I'm not like you, I'm gay. Now I'm like, so comfortable in like, oh, I am gay, and it's like, I don't need to scream that anymore, and I can make space for other people that are.
Yeah. Totally. Yeah. Great.
I'm David, David Craig. My pronouns are he, him, and I identify as a gay male, married gay male, which I guess kind of illustrates that like, that's what I currently identify as. Just even thinking out loud right now from what we're all talking about, it's like, there is this idea, like how you said, when you come out, it's like, you're bouncing against the heteronormative patriarchy of society, and I think that's like a jumping off point for queer people, where we get to then, we then get to learn who we are, because so many people start to get, you know, if you're born in a heteronormative society, and you are, you identify as a heterosexual, you can kind of start learning yourself very young, where I think for us, or at least I can speak for myself, it took me a very long time to even like, start to even know who I was as a person after that, and I think that that's what is interesting about all of the modern discussions and us getting to be a part of this society, is like, as soon as we do have our coming out moment, we get to then like, learn, you know, who we are and learn who everybody else is. You tuck so much of yourself away to be like, accepted, you know, and so you spend these kind of like, formative years, middle school, high school, like knowing, oh, this isn't acceptable, and like, what is, and there's just so much of you that you're like, don't think about that, don't even touch it. You're literally in survival mode, until you, you know, you stay, also I do pottery, yes, we were all giving a simple fact about ourselves, you're like, I am fun, I am fun, I am fun, I don't just do this, I am fun, no, but, no, but I, you know, I've been thinking a lot about that, especially because I got, you know, being married and always identifying as gay, you know, it is, and always being in long term relationships, there's always been this, are we just starting this discussion?
Yes, please! It, you know, I feel like there's always this place where you, where even us as queer people put ourselves in boxes immediately after that, and we don't let ourselves learn after that, and so, I think it's actually like a really beautiful place that we're all in, in this current society where we actually get to like, have these discussions with one another and Starbucks order our identification, you know? Yes, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell them.
Well, I was just, it's like, because I felt like with my first girlfriend, she was out, she was gay, and she had many female partners, and for me it was, and so I was still just like, yeah, I think I'm queer and bisexual, I wasn't sure, but it was like so interesting that when I'm out with you, I'm gay, like by standing with, if someone's gonna see me with you, I'm not queer or bisexual, I'm gay because I'm with another woman, and then now I'm playing into your, and if it's someone that's supportive of that or whatever, then it's like, okay, I'm your lesbian friend in this context, because I'm with my girlfriend, but like, I'm not gonna get into the nuances with you of like, well, I'm still attracted to guys, like it's, you can't exist in that multiple space, at least for me. And how does it feel when you're out on a date with like, say a cis man, or like a man, just? Well, and it feels really, because I've been thinking about this past year of like, the idea of not feeling gay enough and not feeling straight enough, like, and I even think about it with my Instagram, so if I like, meet a girl I like, I'm like, oh, I hope my Instagram, I hope she can tell I'm gay, or not gay, I hope she can tell that I don't wanna just be friends, but then if I meet a guy, I'm like, I hope it's not too, like, dyke-y, you know what I mean?
Wow, yeah, yeah. And I'm just like, I'll be like, curating it, and I'm like, what the, why should I, ideally I would like to date someone that is chill with whatever. But I can see if you're coming in, you're just meeting someone off the top, and you're not used to that, it's like, I don't know. Yeah. Whoa, that's, there's so much nuance. I really relate to that with gender, like, not really, I don't really feel like a woman or a man, and like, when I'm with a bunch of like, cis hetero women, like, I feel so fucking awkward still, and I'm like, almost 29 years old, and I still can't figure that out. A group of guys, same thing, it's like, where do I, like, how do I fit into this, what are you thinking of me when you look at me, and like, all of this fear can, like, can come up there. Yeah. But I totally relate to that. And it's like, what would it be like to be in a place where I just don't, where I'm fully, don't care, you know, and getting in, and I'm like, there are people that don't care. Yeah. Therapy, man. Therapy, I would say that's absolutely where I've started to like, find my footing. Yeah. It is so strange, the, like, heaviness that we put on gender as like, this like, concrete, important thing that dictates how we act, and when you're outside of that, you're kind of like, what, like, it almost feels like you don't have, like, gravity doesn't apply, like, some huge thing, like, when you're with a bunch of guys and everyone starts like, punching each other, but no one punches you, and you're like, I don't do that. Yeah.
Every single cis man punches another cis man.
It's a greeting.
No, but it is just like, when moments like that happen, and you're like, I don't want to be punched, but is that what, like, is that what it means? Sometimes do you want to be punched, though? I feel like I want, like, I guess, yes, I don't know, that's such a, like, weird thing to want to be, like, punched. Do you want us to punch you? I literally want to hang out with people who don't punch, because that's what I want to do. I gender identify as someone who doesn't jokingly punch people they like.
Yeah. No, but I think sometimes I'm attracted to, like, the, like, being bro-y, whatever that could be, and it's, like, this overcompensation thing, I think, you know, that sometimes comes out, and it's, like, not trying to stay away from, like, picking up on all of this toxic masculinity, and expressing my own masculinity. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, anyway.
Well, it's because we also have to, we also have to, we also have to separate the idea of what gender means, and what cultural experience means, and those sort of things, and, you know, as a queer person, you're also, you're also having to figure yourself out while also figuring out everyone else, you know. When you're growing up in sort of a, you know, I grew up in Cleveland, Ohio, and everybody in a suburb, and it was pretty, it was very heteronormative. Everything was, you know, soccer, wrestling, I mean, all of those beautiful sports. No, but you also have to separate, you know, and girls didn't do those things, so it was, like, and boy, you know, I took gymnastics when I was younger, because I loved it, but, you know, but I never viewed it as being a male-female thing until somebody told me it was.
Yes. Yeah. Absolutely. Totally. Yeah.
So, I was thinking about what you guys were saying about, like, being with the bros, and I feel like when I came out, a lot of my, my brother is, like, much more supportive and aware of stuff now than he was, like, 10 years ago when I came out, but I feel like my brother and a lot of my straight guy friends would, like, talk about women with me in a way where I wasn't comfortable, like, we were walking on time, and my, and my friend was just, like, calming down a girl's ass to me, so I'm, like, this is so, there's so many levels here, because you're trying to connect with me and you're trying to acknowledge me, so thank you, but I don't talk, I don't want to talk about her body in that way. I was a server at a restaurant, and all the men that I worked with, when they found out I was gay, then I was given this, like, slimy secret handshake into, like, the world of, like, that kind of toxic masculinity of just, like, oh, fucking table two, so fuck it up, you know, and it's just, like, the most, like, grotesque version of, like, predatory male behavior was, like, now, like, hey, do you want to join us, and it was, like, no, you're, like, I'm still a feminist, yeah, how did, how did they treat you prior to that, because that's actually my, like, that's my, like, if, if you're now showing your true self, and they now know who you are, what, what, super polite, in the most scary, like, turn-on-a-dime way, like, incredibly polite and respectful, and then it was, like, oh, wait, what, like, you hooked up with her, that's so hot, like, high-five, and I'm, like, high-fiving about hooking up with someone, like, sharing a moment, like, what, kind of transactional fucking sexuality, especially if it's the type of guys, at least, I don't know for you, but for me, that were, like, bullying me in high school, now, I'm getting a high-five from you, it's, like, what do I do, there's, like, a really funny meme, I forget where I saw it, it was, like, fucking, honestly, I didn't have to tell you it was a meme, I could have said there was an article, I didn't do that, and it was a meme, but it was, like, talking about when someone includes, like, sexism in the list of things that have changed for them since starting T, like, it was, like, when, like, people started testosterone, and they're, like, yeah, it's so crazy, like, I'm growing hair, I fucking see chicks everywhere, and I'm fucking so horny, like, you know, and you're, like, wait, what? You're like, what is happening, it's, whoa, but that made me laugh, because I feel like I have some friends who have started T, and it gets into that zone, where you're, like, yeah, I don't know if this hormone has done that for you, or if you're just, like, cashing in on something, like, really insidious, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, that's the show, we're gonna end on that inward note, we all just kind of go, we all dissociate, I think we were all just literally thinking about T for a minute, yeah, I thought you meant T, like, what's the T, like, what's going on, let's go T, and I was, like, honestly, yeah, when you start gossiping a lot, you're gonna change, and I literally went to, like, T, like, drinking T, and you could see that in our eyes, and you said, let me backtrack, that was a little bit about everyone, yeah, so usually on this show, we talk a little bit about how did you come out, what was that like, yeah, yeah, I feel like, for me, it was always, like, knowing, but it wasn't until later on, like, I came out around, like, 19, but I didn't, I didn't date a woman until I was, like, 24, but I, when I was, like, four or five, I was, my brain was, like, I was hooking up with this girl, I was making out with my neighbor, but I feel like that, to me, doesn't necessarily, I feel like a lot of kids do that across the board, but we did, I was thinking about in the car ride here, I was, like, oh, we played a game, and we called it wedding night, and that was the game, that was the game, and I always played the husband, so I was, like, yeah, I'm probably gay, like, I was, like, if I'm choosing to be, like, you know, and we would always just make out, and it was wedding night, and I remember, like, knowing I did that, and then, I was in, like, six or seven, and so this was, like, mid-90s, and you had, like, the TV Guide channel, which plays stuff, like, it would be what was coming on next, but there would always be, like, E! News, or something, and it was Ellen, Ellen's old girlfriend, so it wasn't important, and it was, like, Portia, and it was, like, and Haysh. Yeah, the, like, tiny blonde, yeah, and I think Ellen had just come out with her, or something, and my dad was in the kitchen, my dad said something that was, like, that's disgusting, like, he said something that was, like, very negative about it, and I grew up in, like, a Catholic Republican house, and I was, like, as, like, a six-year-old, I was, like, I will become a nun then. I remember just being, like, I'm gonna be a nun, and so from ages six to eight, I would, like, sit at the dinner table, and in my brain be, like, I'm gonna miss you guys, like, oh my god! I had this, I had a very similar experience.
Really?
I, like, I remember at a very young age thinking, like, okay, you're most certainly, definitely, probably, like, 100% gay, but it's okay, because you don't have to tell anyone, no one's gonna know, you're gonna find, like, a nice guy, and live your life, and it'll be fine, like, you'll be fine, you'll be happy. As a kid, you're thinking. As a kid, I was, like, it's fine, no one has to know about this. And it's crazy how that happens without talking to any, like, the way we program that, like, there's no, you weren't talking to other six, seven-year-olds, you know what I mean?
You're right. You're just, like, this is, eh. Yeah. Just, like, recognizing it, and then, like, shutting it down immediately. Yeah. Yeah, well, because when you recognize, you're, like, this is bad. Yeah. Like, this is the worst news I could possibly get. Me? Like, you don't, like, oh god. Totally. Yeah. And then, like, I was, like, the monastery is where I'll go, and you guys, I won't hurt you guys. Wow.
I remember that was the thought. And then I kind of was just, like, I told my mom, and my mom was, like, when I was, like, 10 or something, and my mom was, like, it's just a phase, don't talk, think about it. And so then I was, like, I remember being, like, I'm not gonna be straight, I'll just, I think I thought, I'll deal with this later, like, I'll just deal with this, it was almost, like, maybe I'll be gay later or something. Did you date a lot? Like, in that middle school way? I was so, I was thinking I was so asexual, I didn't, I had my first kiss at, like, 19, and then in college I did nothing with anybody, and I think it was, like, and even me coming out as queer at, like, 19 in college was because I was reading Queer Theory.
I was, like, I went to art school, so I was, like, oh, the other, the other, yes. Yup. So that was, so even that was how I came into it, and then, wow. Totally, absolutely the same.
I was so, like, I was, like, I'm not attracted to anyone, because it was just, like, well, I'm not attracted to men, and that would be my only option, and that means I have no sexual desire at all. And I went to, like, a super Christian college, and just was, like, I did the thing where I was, like, gay people are terrifying, I cannot be near any of them, because then that would kind of show that maybe I am gay. And then I did a hard switch into, like, actually, no, no, I'm an ally, and did the same thing where I'm, like, reading everything about queer people on, like, Reddits about queer people.
Like, I just need to understand them a little bit more. Oh, yeah.
I worked for a queer circus. Like, I was, like, not dating a girl. Haven't we all? Is it too late to change the name of this podcast? Queer circus?
Oh, that's pretty great. I was just, like, I'm hanging out with you guys, but I don't know. Yeah, it's called Circus Amuck. It's in New York. I highly recommend it. Wow.
It's this woman, Jennifer Miller, she's, like, a bearded, she used to do Coney Island stuff. She's a bearded woman, and it's this circus that, my parents were just, like, what are we paying for?
It was basically, like, a political circus, so it was, like, they would do, like, a circus about stop and frisk. We had a whole dance, and we'd, like, go through the burrows. And I was aroused about, so I, like, helped the circus, but I was, like, yeah, but I'm not gay.
Okay, I have a question. Being in this queer thing, circus thing, and, like, queer theory, and saying I'm not gay, did you feel other people around you being, like, oh, she's totally gay, it's just a matter of time, and that, was that a thing? I think, I really think some of my close friends and my teacher even was just, like, cool, yeah, just come to this party, then. Like, they were sort of, it was sort of, like, we, no one ever said anything to me, but, like, I think it was, like, very known that, like, she just has to meet the right lady, like, that kind of, but no one was ever, like, you can't say that stuff or you aren't that. It was almost, like, people knew it about me, or just, like, take your time. Because it's a bunch, they were, I mean, this circus has been around for a while, so it was, I love how I'm just, like, this circus sticker. It's so casual at this point. But, like, it's a lot of older gays and queers, so I feel like they created a space where it was, like, I could hang out and, like, talk, but I, even then, I was too, I kind of felt calm about it, I was, like, it's gonna happen when it needs to happen. Oh, that's cool. I think I asked that question because, for me, I would have been so terrified that I've been, like, found out or something, you know? I think, well, I was also, I mean, I was, it was, like, that was when all the Wall Street, the 99%, the, all the, it's like, yeah, Occupy Wall Street was, like, and I was living in New York, so I just was, like, fuck everyone.
So I think it was, like, a nice political place to be in, and I, like, I mean, I even, like, came out to my parents, but I hadn't dated a girl yet, so I came out at 19. Oh my god, I came out to my parents and hadn't even, like, touched someone that I was, like, interested in. Yeah, I was just, like, this is absolutely true for me, and I need to tell you. So I came out to my mom, and she, so she called me to say, I think your brother might be gay. I said, I think I might be gay, and she went, oh, so she wasn't expecting that, but it's true, 100% of her children are gay, my brother and I are both gay.
And she, like, she definitely prioritizes, like, us and her relationship to us, which is really beautiful. Yeah. So that's kind of helped with our relationship, but at first she was just, like, it is wrong, and the Bible says it's wrong, and I wish I could rewrite the Bible for you. That's, like, as much as she could give me. Wow. Yeah. I did, I literally did the exact same sort of scenario with my mother, where we were sitting down. It was Christmas, and I was, like, I'm going to tell her over Christmas, because I need to do it in person. Yes. I had a boyfriend at that point for a year and a half, and she thought he was my roommate. Of course. As one does. Yeah. Very close roommate.
But we were sitting down, and she was talking about my uncle and how my uncle hated my cousin's boyfriend, and this and that and this and that, and I was, like, wow, I wonder what Uncle Jerry thinks of me, and she goes, well, your uncle thinks you're gay, and I go, oh, I am. And so I just literally blurted it out to her, and it was the wrong way, because it took six hours to convince her that I wasn't joking, because she kept going, like, oh, David, that was just such a good joke. I was, like, no. Oh, no. No. I was, like, it took it literally in a chair starting at, like, 11 p.m. until 5 o'clock in the morning, literally being, like, all right, OK, he is my boyfriend, we've been living together for a year, and then she hid herself in the bathroom for quite a while. But it was literally the same thing, where, like, oh, your uncle thinks you're gay, and I'm, like, yep, I am.
So yeah. Because your tone comes out, and you're just, like, yeah, I am. Well, because I was so prepared to have the conversation over that 10 days that I was home that I was just, like, oh, this is my only moment to do it. Yes. Boom, here it is. And actually ripping off the Band-Aid was, like, the best part ever, because then for those six hours, I was just, like, I could have a fucking bourbon right now. Yeah. Just, like, sit back and let her peddle this out. Yes.
But, like, it was, like, it was a rough one.
Did you, how did you tell your parents?
I just think they were visiting me. I think they came for a, I think I had to tell you. I think we were doing. Please just tell us you're still in the circus. Yes. I think I had a stilt-walking show, and yeah, but we were, like, in the car. I think we were in New York because they came up, and I think I said, well, I think we were talking about, like, gay rights. Like, I think that came up in the car, but I probably started it.
Like, my parents aren't the type to be talking about that casually. They're both, we're in the Navy, so, like, military is really in there. A little don't ask, don't tell, sprinkle. Yeah, and it's so funny, because I mean, fucking wearing these boots all the time. I almost became, I'm like, it's, I did AmeriCorps, which is like a military, it's like, I'm like, can't get away, but I brought it up, and I was like, yeah, I'm queer, and my parents were both like, my dad was like, well, I just don't think they should get married. Like, they were, they've come around. Immediately? Yeah, my dad was just like, I think they didn't know how to respond to it, and I think they didn't really think I was, because also, I'm, this sounds like, and I'm sure you guys are aware of this in queer culture, is like, you don't look it. Like, I don't look gay to you, or whatever.
And I have that issue now with non-binary. I feel like I'm slated to get top surgery sometime in the next few months, and there's so much in my mind that I'm deferring until I get that, just to be like, oh, like, there, like, you know, now I look trans. Like, you could see me without a shirt on, and now we're starting, you know? But it's like, and it's like, I'm the right, like, now you can take me. I am currently non-binary. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, this kind of like, needing to adapt how you look to be taken seriously.
It's so, and I, yeah, I think, I think my parents were just like, and also, I mean, after that, and I was kind of like, aggressive about it, and they've come around in their own ways, but I mean, I'm not, I'm not super close with them anyway, so it's like, I don't, they don't care within the realm, they don't care. It gets, like, whatever to them, but at the same time, I'm very, like, I don't give, I don't give them space to care. Yeah, that's really interesting. I'm just sort of like, You don't expect that from them.
Yeah, yeah, so it's, I mean, they don't really, they're much more fine with, I mean, my dad remarried a woman that works, she does LGBTQ rights for people in Venezuela, so it's like, he's definitely, like, much more versed in it now, and my mom, who lives in Saudi Arabia, and she works for the, it's the whole thing, but she's, I, yeah, wow. I mean, I love where your parents live. They're wonderful people.
No, interesting journey with them.
Coming out to both at the same time sounds crazy to me, but I was, I've never, I don't know, are you equally close with both of them? I would say I'm closer with my mom, and my mom's always just been, and I mean this in the kindest way, she just sort of doesn't have strong opinions, she's just very like, and I mean, at the time, I think she was, I was thinking about the best way to phrase it, I think they said what they thought they should say, I don't think the way they felt about gay, queer stuff was how they truly felt, I think they're just like, we're both from small towns, we both joined the Navy at 18, this is how you, this is how I should react. Yes, well, I bet up until then, gay rights had always been a topic that didn't necessarily affect them, so they just kind of had their soundbite answers to anything gay, and then you were like, actually it does affect you, I am queer, and they were just like, this is all we have, gay people should get married, and you know. I think what I've started realizing is that the ability to not have to learn after a certain point in life and the comfort that that gives and I think there is a certain element where being a queer person, you feel something deep down inside of you that has to learn more about yourself, I think there's a part of that that's a gift for us, because we do continuously have to look inside ourselves and question who we are, where there's a certain limit if you're born into a certain part of the world or a certain society where you just immediately fit in, that the second you're out of high school or higher learning education and you're in your everyday life where you're going to work, you're coming home, you're doing the same thing over and over, you get comfortable with no change, that when change does come, it's suddenly a reflection of who you are, rather than going like, oh, I can learn something new, it's like up until I moved out of Ohio and went to New York, I never questioned anything about myself, like I didn't question anything about history, I only had the containment of what I learned in school and what I learned from my parents, but I never went like, oh, why does this happen? And because I had to learn something about myself immediately out of that, I started questioning other things and I started growing up and I started learning, and I think people get stuck in those sorts of things.
Totally, yeah. Yeah, totally. And then they take it on themselves. Yeah, it's part of being in a majority too, the comfort of being in a majority, you don't necessarily have to think about things and when you're in a minority, you need to figure out what is up with you, figure out how you fit into this when you are so different. Totally.
When it's constantly changing, you're saying, I'm just thinking about, how does it feel to know that after, what will you feel like after your surgery? That's beautiful, that's gorgeous. And it definitely feels like the beginning of a long journey, I don't know if you feel the same way with gender identity, of like, I definitely don't have it yet. I haven't found that piece yet in that specific way, but I'm definitely gonna keep trying and there are more tools that I'm finding and that's really cool. Yeah, it's amazing.
Yeah, and how did you come out? Did you have a big moment?
Were you in the circus? Yeah, no, I wasn't in the circus. At least no organized circus.
Similar to you actually, I was in a relationship. Basically, when I came out to myself, concretely, not like the seven-year-old version, but when I was like, okay, this is something that you definitely need to start facing and kind of shed some of that shame and just started accepting myself, it became a lot easier. I have a question. How did you go from seven-year-old, oh no, this is bad, to I am queer and it's okay?
What were some of the things that helped?
Yeah, I think a lot, but the quickest thing I can think of right now, like the turning point, was when I was faced with someone where I knew I would not be rejected. So that was... I just said, okay, yeah. Yeah, so I had this friend that was out and gay and I became aware that they were into me and they were my really good friend. I was like, okay, I can make this work. That's literally, I think that was for me. It's like, okay, this seems like a good setting. Yeah, I feel safe. I know I'm not gonna be rejected. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do this.
And then we fell in love and we were together for a year and along that, I came out to my older sister just randomly. I was visiting her to chop all my hair off because I lived in a different town anyway. So I was visiting her, getting my first Tegan and Sara haircut and I just randomly came out to her.
I just started crying and she was like, oh my God, you're pregnant, aren't you? I was like, no, I'm gay or whatever. And she was like, well, you know, let's just call mom and tell her right now.
Let's just do it. I'm here with you. I'll help you.
My sister, I don't know when I would have come out to my parents without my older sister. We put her on speakerphone and my mom was just like, yeah, I know.
What?
Not that it was easy. It was really challenging and I think she had a delayed reaction to the whole thing. But yeah, I mean, I was super, it was pretty obvious. But denial can be a thing. I mean, you know, that happens where it's obvious, but then it's still them hearing the confirmation.
You might get a totally, like you said, absolutely. Also, can I just say like the I know thing and I don't know if you've talked about this previously, but the I know thing, if somebody is coming out, they should, you should ask them how they feel rather than like revealing your own personal thing immediately after that. Maybe just say like, how are you doing today? Like, make it as opposed to- Tell me everything. Tell me everything, hug.
That was also my biggest fear.
Everybody knows. It's so witch hunting. Well, and then it becomes immediately about the person you're telling rather than it being like, we struggle so much with the coming out aspect of our life that like, let it be our thing.
Yes. That's true.
I never thought of it that way. It was so hard, yeah.
Because I feel like my, because there is for me a little bit of a validation that I'm like, oh, like, you thought I was cool. Because for me, I'm just like, nobody knows. And then I say to my friends sometimes, they're like, yeah, you're pretty obvious. And I'm like, okay.
But I never thought of that way where it does take it, it takes it away from the person that needs to just be heard. Now I'm hearing your experience of my gayness instead of what my actual experience is.
Let us ask you if you knew. Like let us go like, did you know? You're like mom and you're like shaking and reading a letter and she's like, golden.
You've never had sex with a woman.
Oh, man. All right. Well, we are going to move right along.
Each episode, we have a haunted word. And today, our haunted word is conversion therapy.
There it is. I didn't give them enough time, honestly. Shout out to everyone doing sound. Thank you. The thunder, you know, they say when it's really far away, you count. In a way, I kind of like that. It was so muffled. Because you know when we have like, you know, really triggering words and then like sound effect, you know, comes out.
But yeah, conversion therapy. What do you guys think? This is just a free for all talk.
I know you had a movie that you made. Yeah, I worked on a film called Boy Erased that came out last year. And then we had a subsequent podcast that came along with it called Unerased, which was a four part podcast that really delved into the like deep down sort of more history of how conversion therapy came about.
And yeah, I mean, you know, it's horrible. It's a bad practice.
And currently, we have 16 states in the country that will legalize secular conversion therapy for teens. But working on a hopefully a national elimination at some point.
Yeah, I think definitely so many people think that that's a thing of the past. You know, the DSM five, are we up to five? Yep. You know, now it's no longer listed in there. And maybe with the DSM four actually was taken out. But it's still something that I think about is people talk about the DSM five and just kind of like the psychological, maybe more like bookish side of things, just being like, oh, good.
Conversion therapy has been taken out of that. But the people using conversion therapy, I feel like, are not necessarily looking in psychological texts. Yeah, well, because it's not a physical thing anymore, right? Like, like, conversion therapy, as most people know it, was this was this archaic process with lobotomies and, you know, hospitalization. And so you could see the physical manifestation of it where I think it's actually a lot worse now than it was before because it's all brain work and it's all. Tell me more about that because I'm still thinking about shock therapy. That's more of a thing of the past.
I mean, there is versions that are physical. I mean, obviously, there's nothing like a lobotomy anymore that's performed. But they do do physical elements.
But conversion therapy, for the most part, as it shows itself in the modern day, is much more of a mental therapy sort of practice where it's actually being performed by trained therapists. And it's not even just like a pray the gay away kind of thing. It's like it's an actual like they use practices that they use in AA. And they use psychoanalysis and psychotherapies to really get into these kids' heads to try to manufacture a different sort of being.
Wow. And mind your own business. That's how I feel. I'm just like, why are you wasting so much time? Yeah.
I mean, everybody, the conversation around hormones, I feel like the big line that I hear is like, they're pumping younger and younger kids full of hormones. And how can we do this to kids? Kids are transitioning so young.
And it's like, one, we're not pumping any kids full of hormones. They're like put on hormone blockers for a long time. They actually have less hormones.
Like literally read a book. But then the other side of it is like, what are we doing to young religious kids getting in their head in this way? Yeah, totally. Having grown up in the church, I definitely. What kind of church? It was like electric guitar Christianity. Nice.
And actually, this weekend was so crazy. Because I grew up going to church camp every summer. And there was a big component of anti-gay, pray the gay way, this is wrong, here are the verses to tell you that this is a perversion and don't do it. And I went to this camp every summer. And then this weekend, I went to a wedding with my sweetie, and we stayed in a cabin down the street from the camp that I grew up going to. And in truly the most it gets better moment, passed that camp and was like, what the fuck? That is where I went to church camp every summer and pulled into our gorgeous cabin and set up and popped a bottle of wine and hung out with all of our queer friends and got dressed up together.
And we were in a John Waters themed room where they had every movie of his on DVD and a TV on the ceiling above the bed. It was just like queer heaven. But yeah, it's just like, oh wow, rewind the clock to when I was sitting in one of those pews.
And people are telling me, man should not lay down with a man, which is what?
I was just thinking in terms of like, I don't know about you guys, but I've lived in a major city since 18, like I left and I lived in New York and Philly and here and so I forget about, like I'm from Virginia, so it's like, I forget the context there and I don't really ever go back there. I've gone back a couple times, but it's like when I'm, and I used to teach in rural Virginia, so central Virginia at this writer's camp, it's really cool. Young writer's workshop.
But there's a Walmart that you'd have to go to get anything and I had, when it just came out, I did the undercut, the signifier. And I was like, undercut and one dangly earring. And I just remember going to that Walmart and being like, oh, I shouldn't go here alone.
Like, which was so weird, because I'd been living in New York for five years. And I forgot, you just forget how it's so still potent in all those areas when you're not in it anymore. No, we went, we did a research trip down to Arkansas to meet the memoirs, writer's family in the church and everything.
And I distinctly remember, because I was so comfortable with myself at that moment. And I was with the people I love and I work with and I felt like I do when I'm wherever, right? We were about to go to the church and I come down in my really skinny jeans and I had white, I had white Toms on and a tucked in shirt to my skinny jeans. And I just remember them looking at me before we went to the church. And later, our director literally went like, I was gonna tell you, but you dressed completely different from everybody else, but I didn't wanna talk to you about it because you felt so comfortable. But I didn't even realize at that moment, I was signifying everything. And then, yeah. Good for you for feeling so calm and confident. But it is that point where you go, you have your comfort zone, but I wonder if I was down there by myself. Like, had I been there by myself, would I have brought a pair of khakis and Dockers?
Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Well, it could be a safety issue. Yeah, that's crazy to think about.
I guess we're so sequestered in our gorgeous metropolis. And we kind of forget what it's like to be in these more farm towns where everyone is pretty hostile to gay people still.
It's crazy. I mean, even in Philly, where I was living the last five years, it was like, there's the gayborhood, which is amazing. And you can be out and have fun and everything.
But South Philly, where it's Italian, Irish, old family, it's like, I would never want to hold my ex-girlfriend's hand there. Because I was just like, it's not safe here. And it was like, across from her house was where after Trump got elected, someone did a giant swastika.
Like, and you're just sort of like, oh, even though I'm in a city, and I went back to Philly a couple weeks ago. And for me, Philly's a lot gayer than LA.
In terms of women, out here, I'm like, I can't tell if you're just dressed really cool. I'm just like, mmm. I'm like, those wide-legged pants are a microaggression, because I don't know. But it's just, it's so, you never know.
Yeah, and how do we push that? It kind of feels like maybe we should be more out. We should be holding hands. But then, you know, is that your, like, do you have to put your life on the line for visibility? That shouldn't be the trade-off. Danger to hold someone's hand. I think just by continuing to exist, we're doing something.
So many times, when I go back home, I'll, where are you from? I'm from outside of Toronto, and I usually fly into Detroit, and then there's a drive, and if I make a stop somewhere, I'm all of a sudden, same as we're all saying, all of a sudden aware of how I look, and I never think about that.
I'm like, oh, whoa. People are probably looking at me, thinking I'm a total misfit freak or something. It's that intensive in that area.
But hopefully them just seeing me does something for them. Just buying my chips or whatever at the gas station, hopefully it does something.
Just existing and moving around. Not that we shouldn't be active, but. Yeah, yeah. Totally. But there are different speeds that you can click into, and just existing is a speed. You're fine. Just continuing to be queer. Yeah, absolutely. If that's what you are. Okay, cool.
We're gonna move right into questions, honey. I hope you guys are ready. This first question is, no name, but here we go.
Hi, my question is about reclaiming identities. I technically fit into the label lesbian, but I feel uncomfortable identifying myself this way, because the only times I heard it growing up were A, as an insult, because I was not traditionally feminine, or B, in a highly sexualized way. What are some ways you found to be more comfortable with, or reclaim labels slash slurs?
Do you have to? Thank you, love the show. Really good question. Great question.
I feel like I relate to the, the word lesbian as a sexual word, or even by, it's like, it feels like when I tell you what I am, I'm telling you who I fuck, and it's like, I don't really want to talk, I don't like PDA, I'm a very private person in that way, so like, but it is who I am. I feel like for me, it was like finding friends. Like finding people, having queer female friends changes, I was like, oh, I'm not trying to date you, and it's not, because I had my gay guy friends for a while, and I was like, cool, this is fun, this is great, but it's like, I can't fully connect on what it is to be a woman, and be queer, and I feel like for me, having the friends helped me claim that word more, because it's like, we're hanging out as a group without any, it's not dating, there's nothing sexual, these are just my friends, and I can find that word better without there being the pressure of sex. The word lesbian.
Yeah. And I think going along that too is, I think a huge element is always, because when you do get that, when you do get, oh, you're gay, the immediate reaction is to think about your sex, your sex life, or your sexuality, rather than reminding yourself, and I always have to do that, for instance, on breakdowns, anytime you see the first thing that they say anything about a character is gay. And you're like, but that does not refer to anything that will help me learn who this person is. Yeah. It literally is just telling me you want somebody who holds their hand a certain way. Yes.
And I think there's a huge element in reminding yourself, and I always have to remind myself, the other things I do. Like if somebody goes like, oh, you're a gay man, it's like, oh, right, I have two dogs, I have a husband, I go to ceramics.
I am fun. Yeah, no, like the things that make me special that aren't about when I was 19 years old and came out. Yeah, absolutely.
And I think there is something else going on in this question, which is, and I completely agree, for a long time I didn't want to use the word lesbian, I would say I was gay, which I think has to do with this kind of like male gaze on sexuality, and I was trying to kind of like tuck away and hide myself, because it feels like when you're like, I'm a lesbian, it almost feels like you just feel this like rustling of like, oh, what? And you're like, get away from me, I'm not like in your fucking porn. It's like at the restaurant. Yes, all those waiters come back and they're like, hey, and yeah, yeah, lesbian is just so like, exotic, and ooh, you know, just call yourself Carol, you know, it's like, I'm actually Carol. Yeah, like I'm Carol. Yeah, I think, yeah, I feel like too for me, it's like coming out with being like, asserting more of my masculine energy, and so the word gay is more masculine than lesbian to me, do you know what I mean? Instead of me saying I'm, it's like, oh, I feel like I'm becoming more of a woman here, I don't want to be more feminine, like I want a date, like that was like my process.
That's very interesting, but yeah, I just identify a single right now, you put that out there, hang loose. If I came on here. All right, next question.
Hi, it's Justin. Hi, Justin.
He him, his, closeted by, I think my friend was hitting on me at space camp. There were, yeah, so cute. There were four signs. One, he wanted to compare heights by standing front to front. Two, he suggested that I take the two inner foosball handles, while he took the two outer ones, so he was basically spooning me. Three, he tried to grab my hand when we were walking once. Four, he told me he could give me computer science lessons. So, was he hitting on me or just being really friendly?
I love this. Or not kid. I love this person. Yeah, and I love Justin's friend.
Yeah, I need to know, was he hitting on him? What do you guys think?
I don't want to be, I feel like it sucks when you feel like someone, and you tell your friend about it, and they agree with you, and then nothing ever happens.
But this, I would say, if they're physically, those are all physical cues. It's not like, it's not like, it's like, the foosball table, baby. I mean, yeah, it's like the, that's like shown to another golf.
I would maybe like, if I were, where is Justin? If I were in Justin's position, I would maybe try and like throw something back out, something back that's similar.
Yeah. Not, you know, not to like be too schemey, but there is maybe a goal here, so. Yeah. Like, I think it definitely sounds like he's interested in something, and responding to it, if that's what you want, might be like a safe bet, in my opinion. Yeah. The computer, it was a computer lesson? Yeah. Computer science lesson. I think you should take them. I think it's a good skill, no matter what you learn. Yeah. I agree. I'm excited. I think, you know, I think whether he was hitting on you or not, you learned something about yourself, that you liked that attention. So that's sports or didn't, or didn't. Yeah. Oh, true. Closeted by though. It sounds like, yeah. I mean, I think, yeah. I think if, I think if it's something that interests you, and you, you feel like you can verbalize it, I think there's, you know, I also think it's like, have, have a talk about it. Like, why not, like, just be like, Hey, like, I would have loved if I was at space camp, and was like, Hey, so like, we were at the foosball table. What did that mean? Anything other than you liking the outside? Yeah.
Handles?
I don't know. Like, yeah, I think that would be so interesting to discuss. I would love to be more like that. I feel like as a queer woman, I feel like I hang out with girls all the time, and I'm like, I don't know if you're, what you're, and you're queer. We both are bisexual. I don't know what this thing is. And then, so I feel like to be able to talk about it, it's so, because you don't want to be creepy. But I don't think, I don't think, Justin sounds so, he sounds really, you sound very, understanding of yourself.
Okay. Let me see. Okay. We have time for one more. I am just going to pick, here we go.
I'd love to come into my own and start feeling more sexy. However, it seems most clothes, hairstyles, et cetera, are designed to either make women look hot or make men look hot. So what are some tips for non-binary people? What do I accentuate? What might it mean for someone to like me if I'm hot? Of course, I know most of this is, of course, I know most of all, it's important to feel confident and healthy. Just hoping for some practical tips.
Thank you, Ally. Oh man. Yeah. Take it away. No, I mean, I'll take the tips. It's a hard one, but hmm.
It does feel very like, earlier you were joking about like, Starbucks, like we get to just pick what we want. So I think that is the fun of being non-binary. I feel like you can look at it as kind of a burden, like nothing fits, but then you can also kind of flip that narrative on its head and say, actually everything fits.
Yeah. Everything is non-binary if we're taking away the binary, you know? Yeah.
I feel like something that I still try and do is remind myself that if I go down a certain road, it's not permanent, like with a certain clothing option or haircut. Like I recently got my haircut and I was like, oh, is it too short? I was like, it fucking grows, like it's gonna be fine. And so I think taking risks, you'll figure out what it is that makes you feel really good.
And there will be those days where you get dressed in the morning and you leave and you're like, I really, this isn't working. But then the next, you know, you have a lot of new days ahead of you. Just keep trying.
I would say maybe keep some sort of if this is dysphoria centered, some sort of dysphoria journal where you're kind of writing down what makes you feel dysphoric specifically and then you can kind of look back and be like, oh, this has been bothering me for a while. For me, it was definitely my chest and I was like, I've always heard about binders.
Never really tried one and then I just bought one online and was like, does this work?
And I was like, yes, it does. And that's, you know, just kind of start chipping away if something's popping up a lot. Yeah. Address that. Jacket.
And there are people out there that 100% are gonna think you're hot. Like, there are people that find you really sexy and really hot.
I promise. Yeah. I heard this guy once say like, you are someone, everyone is someone's fantasy. Yes. I love to think, oh my gosh. Yeah, that's great. I'm gonna go with that all day long. I think about that.
It's like, yeah, there's someone, I feel like, in terms of just like coming out in general, the way you dress is so, cause I feel like when I first came out, I was down playing, like having boobs and having a butt and everything. Cause I was just like, well, lesbians won't like me. And then it was, and then it's like, it's so complicated to be like, no, I just need a dress and what's gonna make me feel happy.
Yes. But I mean, I feel like, I go from just lately, I've been like, oh, I like what that person's wearing. I'm going to buy that. Instead of being like, I don't want to copy that. I'm like, no, no, no, I've got dope. I want that.
Yeah, yeah, totally. I think, yeah, Marie Kondo, your clothes. Yeah, exactly. Go and say thank you to each individual shirt and like figure out what to get rid of and then go buy more. Yeah.
Go to a, go to like a vintage store and try on a bunch of stuff. You know, like maybe, maybe grab one or two things you didn't think you would like. You didn't think you should be allowed to. There's this whole thing of like, oh, I shouldn't wear that. Or I'm not like, I don't know. It's just, where'd you want to wear?
Yeah, we talked about this a lot. Like thinking visibility, like we have to lurk, look a certain way to attract people. Yeah. And I feel like that goes out the window if you're just able to be more upfront. Allah, Justin, and I just say, like I'm into you. And I think a lot of it is also observation too. If the point is to like, see what other people are thinking about it or maybe, maybe do what you said is like, try something you wouldn't normally put on and wear it in the world just for a day or for two hours and see how people react to it and see if you like that reaction. Yeah, absolutely.
And then take it off immediately. And take it off immediately and hide it in the chest and get back to your circus job.
Okay. Well, thank you so much everybody. That is the show.
As we're leaving, where can people find you? Should you wish to be found? What are you doing?
Let's plug it. Okay, I'll go. I use the Instagram at AnnieParity underscore. Yeah, hit me up. Not in a creepy way.
And then I host a monthly character show over at the Ruby. And it's on the same night as Gayest Astrology. So if you're in LA, come to my show, we'll go dancing in the satellite.
It's a great time. Cool. That sounds so nice. Nice. Also on the gram. So at Liza Steagall, I'm sure they'll be written somewhere. Yeah, yeah. I'll gram it too.
At David Joseph Craig. And I just want to plug it since we talked about conversion therapy. If you want to get involved, some great places to get involved are obviously the Trevor Project.
They also are doing a program called 50 Bills, 50 States, which I think is still an active website too. The number 50bills50states.com.
And that's to actively look for legal action in the states that don't have laws against conversion therapy. And also Born Perfect is a beautiful place to go to. That's a company that is also on the front lines of ending conversion therapy.
Oh, that's great. Thank you so much you guys for being here. And thank you so much for listening. I hope you have a great week.
That was so earnest. Worse than that is you accidentally kill your parents. Oh my god.
Sign up for your free trial today. And please, send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
Wizards_with_Guns | sir_my_mom_says_you_re_allowed_to_sleep_over_ | Mr. President, thank you for your patience. I'm certain many of you have questions about this week's negotiations. Yes, it is true. A deal has been made. As of this evening, I am officially pleased to announce my mom says you're allowed to sleep over.
One at a time, one at a time, one at a time. Yes, Tyler? Mr. President, should I bring my PSP? Great question. No, Dylan is bringing all his GameTube controllers, and I just got Super Monkey Ball.
Mr. President, there are concerns that the TV in your room is too small for split screen. Okay, so my mom said she's going to watch NCIS in her room, that way we can use the big TV in the den. Mr. President, how late are we allowed to stay up?
It's stuck to say right now. Currently, my mom is in talks with your mom, but it's not a school night, so we're looking at 10, 30, 11 if we're lucky. Sir, what if we stick a towel under the door and talk like this? Uh, maybe.
Mr. President, what kind of snacks should I bring? There is no need to bring your own snacks. My house has the really big pantry with like every food. Mr. President, even fruit roll-ups? Yep, and fruit by the foot.
My parents are rich. Mr. President, can you speak to the rumors about your really big pool? Okay, yes, we can go swimming. However, everyone has to wear a shirt. Mr. President, why? I'm sorry, it's my mom's rule. We can't take off our shirts.
And I honestly think it's better that way, actually. Uh, Aiden, you had a question? Uh, yes.
What's your response to the epidemic of people not calling their hits when we go airsofting in the woods behind your house? Uh, okay, look, people not calling their hits when we go airsofting in the woods behind my house has dramatically decreased ever since we implemented our don't be a bitch policy.
And I feel tonight will be no different. Slow down. If you get hit and you do not call it, you're a huge bitch. And that's final.
Yes! Woo! Yes!
You're a bitch. Shut the hell up.
Mr. President!
Mr. President, yeah, are we playing tag after airsoft? No, we're not babies. But when it gets dark, we will be playing manhunt. Mr. President! We have time for a few more. Yes, you in the back.
Can my cousin Caleb come? No, he smells too much like tires and his mom's gonna make my mom make us read the Bible.
Mr. President! I have a question. Mr. President! I have a question. Mr. President, please. Mr. President. What's happening? Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that Dylan's grandpa just died. Mr. President, is this me?
Are we gonna have enough controllers? His controllers will not be in attendance. Mr. President, we need more controllers.
How are we gonna split screen monkey ball? I can look for my second off-brand controller. Off-brand? I didn't know that was a chance.
We can take turns playing monkey ball. Ow! Me and my, ow! We can take turns. Look, if you get hit and you do not call it, you are a huge bitch. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_30_5_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Now, the federal election is well and truly in the rear view. Skomo's already made a trip up to the curry, he's got the bushes on side. Yeah, you're right, Clancy.
Most of the country is pretty much over the whole election drama, but there are some people still going on about it, and you wrote a story about a young woman who is doing that very thing. Newtown girl, whose mum, dad, siblings, and all four grandparents voted for Skomo, says fuck Queensland. Clancy, you've spent a bit of time down there in Newtown, can you give us a picture of what it's like? Yes, yes, as a young man I did sign a brief contract with our 13 games I played for the Jets. It's the closest thing they have to a working class kind of presence in the entitlement belt of Sydney's inner west, and there seems to be a lot of detachment. This young girl in particular that we wrote about went by the name of Bethany Cunningham. She was a post-grad art student from Australia Street, Newtown, and she just couldn't believe how that many people in Queensland got it so wrong, despite the fact that her entire family down there in the Shire were popping the crownies and eating prawns out of a styrofoam box the day Skomo got elected.
So you're saying it's more or less a bit of an echo chamber down there in Newtown, and of course anyone else's opinion that is not theirs is in fact wrong. And invalid, yes, you're right, but as we all know, when she inevitably wraps up that phase of her life, she'll probably join them as a Liberal voter. Yeah, she did receive a lot of criticism when we published that story, and there was one comment from one of our loyal readers, Evan Schwartzman, who said, Everyone needs to leave Bethany alone.
She's in that special time of her life for future libs where they get to play dress-ups and pretend to care about the environment. Ice cold.
Moving on now to another national story, and the Pacific Islander community is in mourning this week after Toyota announced the discontinuation of their beloved Torago. Yeah, that was one that you wrote, Clancy, about the Islander community, and I understand now that you've married into that community, I'm sure it's something you've experienced firsthand. Yes, there were a lot of tears last week. The Polynesian community is saying that they may or may not cross over. There's a lot of brand loyalty there for Toyota, but the replacement that they're bringing out, I think it's called the Grenvia, Grenavia, it just isn't as good on the eyes. So I can imagine a lot of Polynesian, Melanesian, Filipino families will be making the crossover to the Kia Carnival. Folksman for the community, Lottie Kefu, said that the community will never forget the high-performance vehicle that is the Toyota Torago and its ability to carry, and he transported an entire under-15 state rugby league side from point A to B. Well, I've heard that the Kia Carnival isn't something to be sneezed at, and I know you, Wendell, you've got another kid on the way, what's that, six? So I'm sure you've got a lot of experience with kicking tyres around the dealerships around town, looking for a big bus to carry your tribe around in. Yeah, that's it, when the Hussey family decides to head down to the beach, we've got to get them all into the people mover, so I can vouch for the carnival firsthand.
Well, it's a step up from the troopie. It is a step up from the troopie, but we'll never forget the Torago.
A very sad day indeed, Valle Uso. Sad day indeed.
Heading overseas now, and there was a story this week about an Australian living abroad, branching out and making friends with a bunch of other Aussies living abroad as well. Yes, a recent study by the Australian Bureau of Statistics revealed that only one in 30 expats actually end up making local friends when they head overseas. Yeah, and it's these intrepid travellers, these young Australians with this overwhelming, unbridled sense of wanderlust and a will to explore, end up in places like Clapham or Naleda, off the beaten track like Whistler. It's these people, Clancy, that I think the ABS is talking about. Yes, people do get a little bit homesick, and when there is an overwhelming amount of Australians in any place, you tend to levitate to each other. We've seen it in Bali, even on holidays, people have an inability to actually meet and hang out with locals. And you know, just back to Whistler, actually, the one expression I've heard they have for Australians over there is Jaffas, which I believe stands for just another fucking Aussie.
That's it. Moving on to what was quite a nice story this week, and there was a touching scene in town when rural nightclub patrons respectfully waited until Kaisan finished before punching on. Yes, as we said in the article, it's a very beautiful ballad. It talks about, you know, the uneasiness of being a PTSD suffering Vietnam veteran on effectively the corner of Southeast Asia who's masking his demons by engaging in paid sex work. It's actually quite a nostalgic song for a lot of Australians, and it's great to see that down there at the local nightclub in Batutah's old city district, the night shift, or as it's colloquially known, the fight shift. It's good to see the patrons have a level of respect, and will wait until the last harmonica solo from Jimmy Barnes before they start throwing schooners. Of course, one patron we interviewed, Bo Dean, said the moment the song was over, he was going to catch up with a bloke he believed had been looking at his girlfriend and just find out how shatterproof the schooner glasses really are. A lot of people in the comments were saying this is exactly what happens at the pastoral, the moment Jesse's girl finishes, and the Imperial Hotel in Tamworth, I believe. At the end of the night, they play Cotton Eye Joe up there. Of course, one of the more infamous regional nightclubs was the Lyceum in Longreach recently burnt down, wasn't it? Yeah, I think the last song that they played there was the iconic I'm On Fire by Bruce Springsteen. Yeah, just on that story, Bo Dean does have a nice little date at the local court next Thursday, so we'll keep you up to date on that.
But in the sports world now, the Demons fans finally have something to look forward to as snow's fallen on the Victorian Alps. Yeah, this was a story we decided to put online this week. We don't usually put too much online that would appeal to people from below the Rombarassi line, but we thought we'd give it a go, considering we get quite a reception in Melbourne when we went there on our roadshow tour. Oddly enough, down there at Hamer Hall, if you're listening in Melbourne, good morning, good afternoon, or good night. I think they're about an hour and a couple decades behind down there. Anyway, yeah, the story was Demons fans finally have something to look forward to as snow falls on the Victorian Alps. You know, the Melbourne's 1%, they actually haven't really had much to cheer about since the coalition got re-elected. So to find out that there was snow up in the mountains was actually very well received. Yeah, I think earlier on in the year, the Demons fans were cheering when the snow started to fall on top of the toilets at Revolver.
You know, but I guess this is probably a change in pace for them. A bit better for the heart, I reckon. A lot of Teslas heading up to the slopes this weekend, so enjoy your weekend away, Demons fans. Yeah, good luck to them. And that's the end of our bulletin this week. Thanks for tuning in. We'll be back next week with your dose of honest, hard-hitting regional news.
Until then, I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm Errol Parker. And I'm Clancy Overall. You be kind to each other. |
dropout | troopers_coffee_run | Dread Lord Sinister, here is your coffee, sir. What? I didn't order any coffee. Ah, yes, you did, sir. Three days ago. Three days? Good lord, man. What took you so long? Well, sir, you only wanted coffee from the Southwest Quadrant. Ah, yes.
Julio does make it just the way I like it. The Dread Cruiser is 1200 miles across. It's the size of a planet. Julio's is literally on the other end of the ship. It's... it's night there. Oh, you know what would go great with this smooth as little crumbly pastry Julio makes? Ah, so you want me to go back to the Southwest Quadrant, which I just told you was a three-day journey to bring you back a pastry which will arrive in three days for you to eat with that coffee.
Would you be a dear so I don't have to kill you? Yes, sir. You're a bear claw, my lord. Bear claw?
I can't eat that. I'm on a diet.
Since when? Two days ago. Where have you been? Lost!
In this giant space station. Do you know we have a floor full of nothing but horrible alien monsters? Yeah, monster floor.
And? Please, sir, I've traveled so far. Eat this pastry. I am begging you. Well, I won't tell if you don't. Seriously, if you tell, I'll drop you into a quasar. Ah. Oh, you know what would go great with this? Oh, please no. Coffee!
For your bear claw, my lord. Bear claw? I didn't eat a bear claw three days ago.
Who told you? Oh, it's you. Well, sir, here's your coffee anyway. Enjoy. Bye. I can't drink coffee by itself. Sir, I... I don't know what to do. Tell me what.
Go get me a coffee and a pastry from Julio. Bring them back here. We'll call it even. I haven't slept in three weeks, so I'm going to be very explicit here. I will get you these things.
It will take a considerable amount of time. Other meals will come and go. The coffee will be cold. The pastry may be stale.
Just promise me that this is what you want. I'm asking for it, aren't I? Go. You're right. It does taste just like Julio's. Isn't it great?
I had it installed three days ago. And look, it even comes with a pastry oven.
I need sleep. Who was that? I don't know. |
dropout | most_insane_vo_booth_ever_can_you_be_cooler | Hey Josh, thanks for coming in. Yeah, sure. Josh, it's going to be a couple quick tags. I'm going to push a couple buttons back here and we'll get underway in three, two, one. Three, two, one. Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. Great, Josh.
Could you try it this time?
A little, like a cool guy, right? Ah, cool. Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. I thought that was excellent. A little cooler though.
Your throat's sandpaper, alright? Get that rasp in there.
Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. That was great. Just a little bit younger. Okay, Josh? Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. Okay. Just a hair younger. Tonight at nine, only on Vortex.
Now you're a six year old who just got into a tricycle accident.
Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. Now you're a fetus coming out of the womb. Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. Now you're the sperm about to puncture that egg. Tonight at nine, only on Vortex.
I thought there was a lot of solid stuff in there. So I think we should move on. Can I hear what a guy in his 30s sounds like? Sure.
Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. A guy in his 40s. Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. Still in your 40s recently divorced? Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. 50 year old? Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. 50 year old that fell down the stairs. Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. 50 year old as he's falling down the stairs? Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. How about a 90 year old? Tonight at nine, only on Vortex. A nine year old man that just found a piece of raisin under his fingernails? Tonight at nine, only on Vortex.
The same nine-year-old man, except now he has hot sauce thrown on his face.
The 99, only on both hands. The same nine-year-old man, except he's mistakenly taken a little girl and put her on his knee, thinking that it's his granddaughter, but it's not, and he figures that out. The 99, only on both hands. 100-year-old man on his deathbed surrounded by friends and family, blah blah blah, about to die. The 99, only on both hands. Can you call out to the light, Josh? The 99, only on both hands. But remember, he's supposed to be cool, so... The 99, only on both hands.
Good, I feel good. Do you feel good, Marcy?
Great. We got a lot of good stuff in there, Josh. You're done for the day, pal. All right, thanks, guys.
The 99, only on both hands.
That was awful.
I'll call him back in. |
TheOnion | Fugitive_Doctor_Accuses_Devlin_MacGregor_Of_Fraud | Following last evening's sudden disruption of a Chicago medical gala, fugitive physician Dr. Richard Kimball, a once-eminent vascular surgeon, was finally taken into custody after a long and intense local manhunt. The escaped felon reportedly barged into a conference room at the Hilton Chicago Hotel and accused his former colleague, Dr. Charles Nichols, of conspiring with pharmaceutical giant Devlin McGregor to commit fraud. Onion reporters spoke with Devlin McGregor spokesperson Dana Cunningham, who insists that the claims made by Kimball are, quote, the ramblings of a madman. The fact is, Dr. Kimball rudely interrupted a gathering of highly respected physicians last night because he's a deranged lunatic. The story he told police about members of our company switching samples to try to get the experimental drug Provasic on the market is completely baseless. Kimball narrowly escaped prison earlier this year and has managed to evade United States Marshals at Chicago's Cook County Hospital, Metropolitan Correctional Center, St. Patrick's Day Parade and a nearby dam. He has leveled numerous accusations against Devlin McGregor and claims that a one-armed man named Frederick Sykes, who handles security for all of the company's top executives, was responsible for the murder of his wife, Helen Kimball, last year. We deeply regret that Frederick Sykes, whose record as chief of security of Devlin McGregor is impeccable, has been dragged into this investigation by Dr. Kimball's wild accusations. Devlin McGregor is pleased that this dangerous fugitive is finally in custody again. In the hours following Dr. Kimball's arrest last night, U.S. Deputy Marshal Samuel Girard declined to comment. Check this week's Onion Review for further developments. |
TheOnion | Congressman_Embroiled_In_Sexting_Scandal_Explains_I_Wanted_That_Girl_To_See_My_Penis | It's the nude photo scandal that's rocked Washington and could topple a political career I sat down with congressman bard Hanford and for the first time He opened up about what led him to make such a costly mistake Congressman Hanford you're married two beautiful children and yet you texted nude photographs to a 23-year-old staffer Why did you do it? I wanted her to see my penis But help me understand what was going through your head as you were pressing send on those explicit photos I was hoping the penis photo would arouse her sexually that she might think that's a nice penis I will respond with an offer to have sex with the penis or maybe send a photo of my breasts I would like that and that's what I was hoping would happen. Here's what intrigues so many people Why would a promising successful politician take such a big risk? I knew I could let down my family destroy my marriage and damage the country that I love But on the other hand if there's even the small chance of getting off at any time you got to take it So it was a moment of weakness that oh, no I felt very strong and and virile like a young strong attractive man It was one of my strongest moments. I have to ask about your wife. She is reportedly devastated by this scandal How could you put her through this well, yeah I've had sex with my wife many times before So I wanted to have sex with someone younger who I've never had sex with and how was your marriage now? Oh, we're pretending to stay together and see counseling because of how it looks but we're gonna get divorced probably 99% We're never having sex again the big question. Do you plan to resign? No, I'm very good at my job I'm gonna keep doing that plus it's a lot harder to get women to have sex with you when you're not a congressman The full hour-long interview with Congressman Hanford plays tonight right after ONN presents pornography or art which is better |
dropout | let_s_go_to_the_movies_green_lantern | Now because of my busy work schedule, I don't get to see a lot of movies, so I have to guess what will happen based solely from watching the trailer. Now here's what I think is going to happen in Green Lantern. Starting out, it looks like this Hal Jordan guy is a bit of a ladies man. I bet he's walking through a crowded party and one chick after the next is talking about how they want to get on his jock. But he's playing it cool because he's Top Gun and lives life on the edge. But that's not enough. I think he's looking for something real.
And just then the love of his life falls from the stars in the form of a burn victim Kelsey Grammer. Now I can tell it's love at first sight, but Kelsey doesn't waste any time and proposes to Hal with a magic ring. Hal happily accepts and they spend three glorious weeks together, but suddenly tragedy strikes and Hal's in the dumps, and if I know Hal, which I do, he starts drinking and wearing sunglasses at the same time. But what Hal doesn't know is that Kelsey's soul jumped into the body of this creepy looking substitute teacher guy. Meanwhile I'm guessing Hal flies over to Kelsey's home planet to tell his once future in-laws the bad news and they are not too happy about it. So Hal parley tries to win him over by taking him on a fishing trip and I'm sure it ends with hilarious results. Now back on earth Kelsey's soul isn't sitting too well with creepy McSubstitute and Kelsey's unrequited love turns McSubstitute into an evil Ken Griffey Jr. from the Simpsons softball team episode. So he starts tearing the world apart until Hal comes back to fight his former love.
Then they battle it out John Woo style. I'm talking big guns and flying doves. Oh man I bet there's kicks, punches, speedboats. They both pull a gun on each other at the same time but they're both empty. Ken Griffey hits Hal with his gun and just when it looks like Ken Griffey's about to kill Hal, his once future in-laws swoop in and save the day. Then at the end they probably open up this cool burger joint with all kinds of crazy burger toppings and they know all the customer's names and junk. So anyway that's what I think is going to happen in the green- Get back to work! |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_great_day_saturday_night_live | Hi, but today seems like it's gonna be a great day! there's something in the air that makes me feel like things are gonna go my way! If the birds are chirping, tweedily-deet, the sun is shining bright! there's a skip in my step, a pep in my path, and I don't know why! Hey there, Mailman Fred! any letters for my ex-wife or the kids? No fantastic news! ha ha ha! Wonderful day, makes me feel so happy that my face is numb! my heart is racing along, ba-ra-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba! So many places and people to meet, now that I've lost my job! they say, young man, the world's your only- hey! hey, get the f*** off me! just give me a second. I don't know why, but today seems like it's gonna be a great day! blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, I should spend more time with my kids! it's Carper Day, I've gotta seize the day! I'm gonna move to Spain and run with the bulls! And my wife and boss and kids and parents will say, we're wrong about you, Dennis! Hey Dennis! that's my name! are you really gonna run with the bulls? why would I do that? because you said you were gonna- come on, man, that was like three days ago! where was it? something in the day makes me feel fine and fancy-free! much of the ocean is still unexplored!
How did I get up in this tree? Now I'm over here, now I'm over there! Now my nerves are stewed, now I'm back in the tree! now I'm hanging out backstage with my very best friends, I have to get the **** out of here.
What? Now. Tom! why miss me? I thought this! any problem is solvable, we can't be the hungry at Cure Disease, but all of that would be a huge waste of time, because we live in the Matrix! What is wrong with him? he's on drugs. Oh. |
dropout | Good_Morning_River_View_High_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Good morning, fellow students at Riverview High School and welcome to Breaking News. It's the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Topher Humble, but you can call me The Knight. Shh. And I'm Steve Harvey.
Captain of varsity football team, go Otters. Go, go, go Otters. I love high school. Snuggie. Your hair's too perfect. Thank you very much. Go Otters.
We have a lot to report today, so let's get right to it. Tragedy has struck our school when a field trip to medieval times went off the rails. Senior Bobby Tan was mimicking fellatio on one of the giant turkey legs. Sure, it was hysterical, but it came at a price when he started choking on said turkey leg. The blue knight got off his steed and started doing that thing where you whack people on the back to try to stop them from choking, which I will now demonstrate on Steve. You get the idea. Anyway, Bobby died. Tragic. Let's turn now to some lighter news.
The class hamster, Virginia, is pregnant again. Aw. She gonna have all babies. The babies are gonna be just beautiful. Gonna have them all kissed like this. I love them already. They're such cuties. She gonna have five babies. Their names are gonna be Toadstool, Bartholomew, Jeremy, Cuisinart, and Greg.
Everyone shut up. Shut up immediately.
We've got breaking news. We turn now to our cheer correspondent, Stacy McCool. Hi, everyone. I have an emergency cheer to perform for all of you right now. My asshole boyfriend, Doug, just broke up with me. But you're so hot. I know, I know. And he did it three weeks before the summer spring fling winter cotillion dance-a-thons. But so Doug, I hope you're watching because this cheer is for you, okay?
Fuck off, Doug. I'm hot and I always will be. You'll never see me again, Doug.
Great, we turn now to Cool English Teacher. Cool English Teacher, what's the weather?
Everybody get up on your desk. Get on up, up on your desk. Come on, I'm not gonna ask again. Get up on your desk. Stand up and be free. This isn't your typical English class. Get up on your desk.
Cool English Teacher, what book did you just finish reading? I just read Leaves of Grass. Did you like it? I sure did, let me give you a brief synopsis.
It's about how grass grows. First stage, seeds. Second stage, a dog eats it. Third stage, the dog poops it out. And then more grass grows. Now, they call it Leaves of Grass, but I haven't seen these ones.
Sounds great. This is Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass? And here are the seven themes the book explored. All right, first one, young adult. Second one, learning about magic. Third, sexual exploration. Wow. Yes, and how to find it.
Fourth one, death. What is death?
And fifth of all. There's seven. I know there's seven. And the fifth one is Garrel Masala, the spice. And the sixth one is what tip to tip a doorman. And the seventh one is, oh my god, there's some underwear in the back of his Uber.
Well, that's all the time we have. Before we go, we'll announce that today's loser is Tao. Thank you so much for watching.
Shouldn't read, no one should read. No one should read. If you take one thing from this. Kids, I'm Cool English, please sure don't read. |
dropout | learning_guitar_to_get_laid | Hi. Welcome to learning how to play guitar. Well enough to get you laid, volume one. There are literally thousands of chords, but only four of them are needed to play Wonderwall. So let's get started. Where's my pick? That's right, it's in my wallet. Lesson number one, always keep your pick in your wallet so it seems like you love guitar enough to be ready to play it no matter what. Let's learn some chords.
This is E-sus-4. Come in. This is B7sus-4. This is D and B sharp.
Lesson number two, always play a popular song like Wonderwall so you don't have to sing or learn the words. Lesson number three, take a break from playing and just tap on the guitar.
It's easy, it makes you look multi-talented. I said maybe.
Lesson number four, play a lot of muted strings when strumming like this. Open strings like this sound really pretty.
Relax ladies, there's enough of me to go around. Okay, you now know enough guitar to get you laid. If you have time in between your massive sex sessions, feel free to learn more chords or not. If you like this video cassette, you'll love learning the bass and not getting laid.
That was free falling I think. |
SaturdayNightLive | satellite_delay_saturday_night_live | I know I'm excited. I think we've got Denise now. let's go to her.
Live in the rainforest of Costa Rica.
Hi, Denise. good to see you. Thank you, Tom. hi, Vivian. looks like the climate agrees with you, Denise. you look fantastic. how long have you been down there? Thank you, Tom. I put papaya on my face this morning.
Denise, is there a delay on your end? Four days. I got here Thursday. we are having technical problems, obviously.
Denise, we're going to say goodbye to you for now, I think.
Oh, my God. do you see that? Denise! you have a huge spider on your shoulder! What? a delay? that's a pain in the butt. No, no, Denise! there's a giant spider! Denise, it's enormous, and it's crawling on your face! I can see how I feel that! you should have taken it easy on the Botox. What? a spider? Where? It was terrifying.
I'm just. hey, don't tell people I got Botox. that's not. it's not true. that was tense. I'm just glad she's okay. So, Denise.
Oh, my God, the spider's back! Denise, the spider is right on your face! Denise! did we fix the delay? The Spider, Denise! get it off your face! she might feel that! I'm telling you, she's more botox than woman. What? the spider's back? Shoot! can someone please fix the delay or kill the spider that keeps crawling on our reporter's face? can someone please do that?
Hey, guys. hey, guys. I'm okay.
Tom, quit it with the Botox. I don't tell people you have herpes.
Oh, My. God! Denise!
Oh, your face is covered in beetles! should I start my report? Denise, your face is covered in huge beetles, and a snake is biting your boobs!
When planning a trip to Costa Rica, you're gonna need three things. passport, sunscreen, and.
What? Denise! Denise, is she okay? How did she not feel bad? she got fake boobs 10 years ago before the good ones came out. Hey, guys. Wow.
I am never getting Botox. Yeah. don't get herpes either. |
cracked | the_most_famous_sexual_assaulter_on_youtube | Hey everyone, I wanna talk to you about smooches. Everybody loves a good smooch. Gettin' smooches, givin' smooches, smooching. But there's one kind of smooching that's nay-okay, and that's stealin' a smooch. A surprise smooch, a sexual assault smooch.
Here's Michael Squint's palidorus from the Sandlot. He's a complete and total nerd who had an exclusively visual crush on a woman to whom he'd never spoken.
He also had a plan. A plan to trick her into smooching him while she was busy making sure nobody died at the place that paid her to do that. His plan? Pretend to drown, get the woman to save his life, and then assault her.
Whoa! Did you plan that? Of course I did. Been planning it for years. You got it! Been planning it for years.
Now, this magic moment that caught her by surprise is portrayed as cheeky and fun and cute and possibly worse, acceptable. And perhaps worse, successful. This complete and total nerd and stranger tricked a woman into an unwanted smooch, and it worked. She smiles at him after the incident, isn't mentioned again at all until the last four minutes of the movie when, surprise!
Squint grew up and married Wendy Peppercorn. They have nine kids. This cheeky, fun, cute little subplot in a children's movie basically told an entire generation of boys that it's okay and actually beneficial to trick women into kissing you. And it taught an entire generation of girls that that shit is dope. Marry that dude. That generation of Squint's palidori are now grown up and pulling stuff like this.
A guy goes to Hooters and says to the waitress, if he can drink two beers in five seconds, they have to kiss him on the cheek. But wait, there's more. At the last second, he forces a big old smooch on their lips, which they did not agree to. Oh! None of the women like it. And the guy just smiles. Like he's one? Like the women he just tricked into kissing him aren't completely disgusted that they kissed him? He's proud that he upset these women by kissing them with his kisser.
This is a popular phenomenon on the internet. Kissing pranks. They're everywhere. It's a whole genre of video.
Men, or let's be honest, little boys, going up to women and tricking them into kissing them. Here's a terrible one and a half seconds in which one of these hilarious pranksters grabs a woman's head before asking, can I get a kiss, doesn't wait for an answer, goes in for it. The woman turns her head for a kiss on the cheek. The guy forces himself on her face. She gives in for a quick peck. He tries to French the f*** out of her mouth and she eventually pulls herself away. Take a kiss.
Fade out. Many of these women don't know they're being filmed and clearly don't like it. I like being recorded. Oh, you saw the camera. All ya been pranked. Some of these women learn a valuable lesson about guys asking them questions.
I can't say no. You can't say no. You can't say yes. You gotta say yes. You have to say yes.
Yeah. All ya been pranked. And some of these women know that unfortunately, sometimes the only way to get a guy to accept a no is to explain that there's already another guy involved. We've only Valentine's here. I have a boyfriend, I'm sorry. Or like, almost accept it. Did he already ask you? That's the key, did he ask you? It's implicit.
That guy is Chris Monroe, AKA prank invasion. He made a few of these kissing prank videos and he quickly realized what the people wanted. Kissing prank videos. So he decided to do a kissing prank video once a week and eventually three fucking times a week. Three kissing pranks every single week.
But Monroe couldn't do this every week. The number of annoyed women was already higher than several. And three videos a week? No way, Monroe's day.
To solve his problem, Chris dug into his history and skills of lives passed. Like when his name was actually Andrew Menavi and he allegedly scammed approximately 50 people out of thousands of dollars via a pyramid scheme under the alias Crystal Love on an internet marketing forum called Warrior Forum. But that's another video that you can look up and watch online because it's true. So Crystal, I mean Andrew, I mean Chris, I mean prank invasion, knew he was at least okay at like scamming people. And so the prank invasion invasion began. Three times a week. What up invaders, what up invaders, what up invaders, he calls them invaders.
And then he explains he's going to play a quick game for a really quick kiss. A really quick game for a really, really, really quick kiss.
And then he always says, and as always, let's do it. As always, let's do it. Because what catchphrase shouldn't mention that it always happens. As always, let's do it.
Then he like forgets he's being filmed and just sort of like slumps off screen. He does it every time. So then there's a woman who's usually in a bikini or actual underwear.
He wins or loses at say rock, paper, scissors, shoves her hands aside, tells her to come here, you're adorable. Or you're adorable, come here. You're adorable, just come here. You're adorable, just give me a kiss now. You know what? You're fucking adorable. Just come here.
And then. You've been pranked. Actually, let's hear a little more of that sweet, sweet smooch. So loud, right? It follows you wherever you go. She kissed him because she guessed his breakfast correctly. Spaghetti.
And that's the video. It's all the videos.
Sometimes he kisses target employees. Sometimes he dresses up like a homeless person. Or maybe he kisses women in front of their grandparents. Or just like at the beach somewhere. But he always gets a really, really, really quick kiss. Like here, where he approaches medical doctors in a completely empty hospital and then convinces those busy doctors to play a real quick game for a really, really quick kiss.
And here's one of those doctors' Instagram pages from when she was a model and singer because that kissing prank video, prank invasion, doctor edition, really took off. So she quit being a doctor, left that empty hospital and became a model and singer. That was the order of things. Or prank invasion, pregnant edition, when he kisses this pregnant woman who was actually just mom for a day as evidenced by her Instagram page.
Obviously, these are fake. He's a scammer.
But not to his young fans. These boys love it. They want him to grab the woman's ass more and they suggest who he should approach next. They believe him and the things he's doing. On his really exciting vlog channel, you can see them coming up to him. I love your videos, man. Appreciate it. They admire him and listen to him.
He learned from squints, a complete and total nerd, and now he has become squints. The complete and total nerd.
Teaching a generation of young boys that is not only acceptable to trick women into kissing you, but that it's encouraged. And that it's easy. He's teaching them that women are interchangeable.
What is your phone number? Do you want to know my name first? You asked me to joke before. Oh, that was you?
Shoot a new video. Teaching them that they're a goal, not a person. Goal, gross. That this is normal.
And he has reached out to his following to groom them into kissing prank masters themselves. He has a few videos on how to do it on his YouTube channel, but even better, he has a subscription service at prankinvasion.com that offers online kissing prank lessons, so you too can play a real quick game for a really quick kiss. I know, because I subscribed to it. It's just $20 a month, so kids who want to smooch, go get your parents' credit card, and then select the 1999 Unlimited subscription plan. You'll know it's the right one because it's labeled level two, even though it's the only option available. Oh, and it automatically renews that $20 fee every month, even if you cancel your subscription, which I try to do immediately. But what this monthly fee that follows you to your grave gets you is access to Chris's mind, as well as videos detailing what Chris calls the invasion method, which is basically a combination of pretending to be interested in what a woman is saying, placing your hands on her, and some fun little magic tricks. You can't say no. You know, to trick her. Here he is as a parody of himself, wearing a shirt that says obey on it, while explaining a method that's name literally means an unwelcome intrusion into another's domain.
And he promises eight to 10 new ones every month. And there were actually 15 videos for June of 2015, so he was killing it. That's nine exclusive videos about how to prank a kiss out of a gal, two videos that are duplicates of two of those first nine videos, and four kissing prank videos that are already on his YouTube channel. One of them is a broken link. And to be clear, it's eight to 10 videos every month, but only once in June of 2015.
There have been no updates since then. The subscription also gets you access to the private forums, where you can ask prank invasion himself advice on invading women. The forum is, unfortunately, pretty empty, although there are a few questions from some of the kids who have literally bought into Chris's method. Questions like, do you think those tricks will also work on guys like me that are 16 to 17? And are your videos real, man? Chris hasn't responded to anything, and has only posted once on June 4th, 2016, to say, hey guys, it's Chris. I'll be answering your questions in this thread. And he hasn't answered any of the great questions from new, but frequent user, Jubby Todd, who's asked, are you going to answer our questions? And, have I been scammed? And, what do I do if the girls get mad at me? Weeks passed, and still no response from our leader and lord, Great Invader, his lord, the kissing prankster of Dukes. These questions have sparked some great conversations among the community, though. Like when Tricky Mathis showed up 30 days later to tell Jubby Todd, I don't know why he's not replying, but bro, be more specific, who is this girl?
A stranger, a friend, et cetera, and how did you exactly approach her? To which Jubby responded, I went to the mall and did the things Chris says to do in his instruction videos. Some girls just walked away, but most of them got mad at me. Pretty straightforward.
After which Jubby later continues, she got me arrested, I don't know what to do, please answer me. And in a later post, adding, I couldn't sleep, but the guard was very kind. I asked her about herself, and it turns out we have some in common. And I don't know, I just feel comfortable around her, you know, she is V easy to talk to. Jubby returns to say, I like her, I really think I like her, and that she is the one for me. I hope I am jailed forever. Jubby later explains, we stayed up all night again, talking and connecting, and then I touched her hand through the bars, and it was the best feeling I ever had. That is until she opened the cell door and we smooched while I fingered her butthole.
We are now married, we have nine kids together. The invasion method works. Fun for all ages. Like seven.
Thanks for watching the video. Sorry about all that. I hope you enjoyed it, learned something from it, got super hard or wet from it, depending on how you show arousal. So like and subscribe, and here is a perfect summary of this person's videos. We're gonna be scaring girls for kisses. |
dropout | an_exciting_new_release_from_george_r_r_martin | Oh got a new book there yeah I'm liking it but what I'm really hankering for is George RR Martin's next book hello boys did someone just say hungry George RR Martin I said hey I got something you'd be very interested in yeah something I've been working on for a very long time a hefty door great enough to satisfy even the greatest fans yeah fire and blood a history of the Targaryen Kings oh yeah that's right you like that you're a fantasy pig yeah it's like a like a textbook yeah yeah about stuff that doesn't exist that's right and here you go oh ain't going you fantasy freaks eat up your slop I'm gonna go back to sleep for 70 years like a cicada no wait no no wait hey no hey hey wake up hey don't I'm sorry I'm so sorry mr.
Martin do you have any idea when you might expect to see the next book in A Song of Ice and Fire yeah cuz we are really excited for it and it seems like you're working on maybe a ton of other stuff except it like mostly other things I just gave you a whole book after all the novellas after all the prequels after all the sequels you want more more more you're no different those little comic-con creepy creepy little creepy crawly creaks yeah but none of that concludes the story that we started 22 years ago we just want an ending I know what it is you're after do you you want the masterpiece I've been writing for the last eight years yeah you want the winds of winter yes yes yes oh my god yeah here you have it winds of winter oh fuck off that's right songs for the flute written in a minor key played by me George R.R. Martin this is even has a CD player anymore what you will fantasy hogs you done stuck your snouts in the mud and found yourself a tasty truffle we don't want music and prequels and little side novels and maps and ancillary content okay we want a line of sophisticated men's vests from the mind of George R.R. Martin no no what the hell you want the next book yes that's what we've been saying yes of course how have we not been clear y'all think you're so special I'll tell you what this time next month I will present to you George R.R. Martin god damn it grocery stores with high quality products super low price no no George R.R. Martin just want the next installment of the book series we already know and love okay okay all right so what you're saying is you want a TV show about haunted spaceship no I sure cuz I already made it oh please please mr.
R.R. Martin I am begging you just finish the book very well then if that's how you really feel beginning now I shall begin out I shall begin writing book evolved waiting for I hold you the life of Hodor written in the voice of hold no that's not stop breathing we're just never gonna get those books are we I mean that'll teach me to start an uncompleted series tell me about it hey Raven when you're done not breathing you bring me a popsicle and put the PT Cruiser back inside the house please thank you hey it's Mike trap you know if you want to talk to the cast and crew here you can at the exclusive dropout discord it's a great place for behind-the-scenes content and if you like behind the scenes check this out |
dropout | adam_ruins_everything_corrects_itself | You've gotten things wrong. Wait, are you going to do a correction segment? I've always wanted to do one of those. Well, let's see how you like it.
Exhibit A, Adam ruins forensic science. You claimed that DNA was the only foolproof type of evidence. Killer's DNA is all over this crime scene. We'll know for certain who killed this man. But according to new research, DNA evidence can suffer from the same problems as other forensic science, such as incomplete samples and crime scene contamination. My bad. When German police found matching DNA at 40 different crime scenes, they concluded it was a serial killer called the Phantom of Heilbrunn. My God. 40 crimes, 40 cotton swabs with the same DNA? But a ruthless killer. It turned out that matching DNA was actually from a woman at the factory that made the cotton swabs. This will make it clean for my nice police officers. So face it, DNA evidence isn't foolproof.
You ruined. Wow. Thank you for bringing this up. It's true. Since that episode aired, we have learned that DNA evidence is not infallible. And even though it's still an amazing tool, we need to use it carefully and think about it critically. Hey, bud. So all this is on camera.
So you shouldn't be so happy about being wrong because people think that you don't care about the facts. Oh, I really care about the facts.
That's why I'm excited for this. Hit me with another one. Oh, this one's a doozy.
You specifically said that air marshals stopped terrorist attacks. That just ain't true. Between 2001 and 2008, air marshals didn't make one arrest related to terrorism. Why are there never any terrorists to shoot?
I'm bored. The few arrests they do make are drunk people and celebrities who won't get off their phones.
Aha, gotcha. And we're paying through the nose for it.
Taxpayers spent $800 million on air marshals in 2014 alone. And since they only make around four arrests per year, that's about $200 million per arrest. Air marshals are so ineffective, one member of Congress has even called for the program to be abolished.
Wow, yep. Sounds like we were definitely wrong on that one. Adam, hey, man, be cool. This is a steady gig. Don't go ruining your credibility by admitting mistakes. Oh, no, that'll just increase our credibility. Hit me with another one, Emily. You sure about that? Okay.
Remember that segment on electric cars? People did not like that one. Adam, you know I love you like a weird friend of my wife, but you were wrong when you said that no one should ever buy a Tesla.
Elon Musk is a super brainiac, and Teslas are totally saving the planet. Tesla!
So stop taking money from Big Oil and do a little something called research. Babe, what are you doing? Oh, looking at naked photos. Please subscribe.
Okay, I know Tesla fans didn't love that one, but our argument was actually more nuanced than that. First of all, our source wasn't the oil industry. It was scientists and environmental groups, and their data shows that in some cases, buying a brand new electric car can actually increase your carbon footprint. But that doesn't mean that no one should ever buy one. In fact, our expert in that episode said the opposite.
If you really want to help save the environment, the best thing you can do is to reduce the amount you drive and to drive your current car as long as possible, provided it's reasonably efficient. But if your car is beyond repair and you absolutely need to buy a new one, then go ahead, buy yourself a nice, small electric car, perhaps even a used one. Look, we don't hate electric cars. Our goal was to show how even green products affect our carbon footprints.
In this case, our facts weren't wrong. Our point was just misunderstood. Ah, but since it's your show, that's on you. You should have been clearer. I mean, the title of the video was Adam Ruins Electric Cars. Do you wonder why people got the wrong idea? Yeah, you're right. If that many people misread our argument, that means we should have done a better job explaining it.
Doing nuance on TV is hard, but that's my job, so in the future, I'll try to be better. Okay, have you ever actually seen your own show, because you're supposed to be getting upset.
That's how everyone knows I'm doing a good ruin. One minute till act break. Ooh, lightning round.
In a Never Wonder Why segment, you said the Empire State Building was 12,000 feet tall. Oh, yeah, that one was really embarrassing. It's actually a little over 1,200 feet tall.
I guess we added a zero somehow. In Adam Ruins Football, you referred to a lineman, but pointed at a linebacker. I still can't tell the difference.
Don't let him get to you, Todd. And one time, you showed snowflakes that have eight sides, but they almost always have six. Sorry, Jorge. So there you have it, Adam. I have proved that your show makes mistakes. Okay, why aren't you storming off? I mean, I'm starting to feel like you don't like my present. No, of course I do, because you're right.
We have gotten a few things wrong, but that doesn't ruin our show at all. Look, this is our research team. They spend every day calling experts, combing through sources and fact-checking scripts to ensure that the information we present on this show is as close to the truth as possible. But they're also human, and humans sometimes make mistakes. But this entire show is predicated on you being truthful and honest. Right, and it wouldn't be truthful to claim we're infallible. The intellectually honest thing to do is to be transparent about our process and public about our mistakes. That's why we put our sources on screen and why we admit when we can do better. The point of our show isn't to be right every time. It's to encourage the audience to question what they think they know, and if we're lucky, to change a few minds.
That's all for today. We'll see you next week. See you next week. |
TheOnion | FDA_Approves_Depressant_Drug_For_The_Annoyingly_Cheerful | The first ever prescription depressant hit the shelves today. Approved by the FDA last month, Despondex is intended as a treatment for the approximately 20 million Americans who are insufferably cheery. Tests prove the drug is effective at reducing a range of symptoms, from squealing loudly when a friend calls, to use of the phrase cool beans, and excessive hugging. Dr. Alman Way calls the drug a huge step forward in the battle against exuberance. If you're in a good mood every so often, well, that's fine. That's normal. This is for those that have a persistent positive outlook on life. Eva Hendry of New Haven, Connecticut began participating in a clinical trial of Despondex six weeks ago.
I was always telling people how cute their outfits were and bringing them little gifts. I'd beam at anyone who made eye contact with me. I didn't realize life didn't have to be like that. Eva said she never knew how her annoyingly chipper attitude was affecting those around her. Over and over again, I'd ask Jeff to ride his bike down to the botanical garden with me, no matter how many times he said no. And she was always smiling, but I didn't know what to do to help her. I used to think, why am I the only one trying to set up single friends with each other? And now I realize it.
I was sick. I needed treatment. Eva says the drug may have saved their marriage.
Now, Jeff and I can just waste a night sitting on the couch watching a TV show. Neither of us enjoy, like a regular couple.
Not everyone is convinced that Despondex is the cure-all for perkiness, however. In this week's Time magazine, Michael Palosik of UCLA argues that many patients get similar results from natural remedies, something as simple as a diet of corn syrup and white bread and a total lack of exercise. But Dr. Way disagrees. We have to erase the stigma attached with getting chirpy people help, real medical help. I mean, do you know what it's like to be around these people? It's pretty fucking annoying. Doctors estimate the new drug could reduce the number of costume or theme parties in the U.S. by up to 40 percent. |
dropout | if_peter_jackson_adapted_the_silmarillion | The Lord of the Rings defined a genre. The Hobbit enhanced the legend, and now Peter Jackson returns to Middle-earth to adapt J.R.R. Tolkien's final work, The Silmerimium. Welcome to the first day of rehearsal for J.R.R. Tolkien's The Silmarillion. It has been an absolute honor to work on adapting the Simarillion, which is Tolkien's most complex and most sprawling work.
Yeah, so this is perfect for like a human or an elf or whatever race the hero is, you know? Of a law. Yeah, oh, definitely. It's perfect for that one. Absolutely. Yeah. You know, the real joy in crafting these fights is staying true to Tolkien's vision.
You're going to get up, run over there, grab the Simarillion, okay? I grabbed the Simarillion. I thought the whole point was that I was going to grab the Simarillion.
Is that what that says on the screen? Whatever that vision may be.
Let's just swing some swords around. Let's just swing some swords.
This is where we have Feanor, hope I'm pronouncing that right, holding the great feast, and then Melchior or something, steal something, and then it gets confusing, so I just drew Gandalf smoking a pipe because that seemed safe. It's a little bit of a slog to get through the backstory, but once you get to the fourth film. I mean, it's a dream come true, you know, to be in the Simarillion. Peter Jackson asked you to be in a movie.
You don't have to read the script. You can, you know, I read my lines. I read most of my lines. I have 200 pages of lines.
Right here we've got the talking elephant. These are the tiny water dragons, and of course the floating crab city.
These are just some of the concepts we've been working on, but we are prepared to make anything that Peter wants. I just don't know what Peter wants.
This is where Lythian finally reveals to Baron just why it's called the Silmarillion. Mr. Jackson, Nicky from Paramount's here to see you. You know, we needed that. So we're all equally clueless, right? I mean, I didn't watch Lord of the Rings. Andy, do you know what's going on? I don't think I'm in this one. Well it's certainly going to be a wild ride, and I just think that out there somewhere Mr. Tolkien knows we're doing justice to his great book. What's the book about? It's about 535. Thank you for asking. The Silmarlion coming direct to DVD. |
dropout | remember_when_murder_was_legal | Welcome once again to What The Facts, our extra credit lesson on all the crazy topics and events covered on WTF 101. My name's Jake Young, and this time around we're covering duels. And to help us demand satisfaction, we've enlisted the help of a university professor and expert on the act of dueling, Steven Hughes.
Steven. Yeah. Click.
So tell me about yourself. How do you kind of dwell in the worlds of like honor killings and duels and just the history of how masculinity has been kind of perceived across time? What drew you to that subject? Well, I'm an Italian historian. I do Italian social history.
But working on a book about the Italian police, I ran across a duel from about 1823 or so. So I got a Fulbright grant to go to Italy in 9293 and studied dueling. This is kind of what blew my mind when we went over to the dueling episode, is just how in terms of the span of history, we only got rid of the practice relatively recently in the grand scheme of things. Like how late into the game were people still, you know, trying to murder each other legally? The modern point of honor duel. And I make that point because there's also judicial duels in the Middle Ages where, you know, it was the deciding factor in a law case. But the modern point of honor duel began in late 15th and early 16th century Italy. By the mid 17th century, late 17th century, nobody was dueling or very few people.
And then it came back after Napoleonic invasions, after the French Revolution and the Napoleonic invasions in Italy. It was very much in Vogue and France and Germany up until the First World War. And then the First World War kind of blew it away. So what about the First World War?
What made it distasteful at that point? Violence had become so mechanized and industrialized. And you know, when you're starting, you know, playing with machine guns, the idea of pulling out a pistol or rapier just seemed completely antiquated and pretty stupid. So in World War I, violence just became so widespread and gruesome that it no longer seemed like a fun activity anymore?
That's exactly right. Yeah.
And again, massive warfare had another impact, and that was the U.S. and the United States. Dueling was already starting to wane, sort of, they think, in the 50s. But after the Civil War, it's pretty much gone. We're talking 1850s, not like greasers with switchblades at the sock hop. Okay, good, good, good. Yeah, so the Civil War kind of, there weren't too many people left around in some ways to defend Southern Honor.
In the episode, we covered the the duel of the French nobleman, was Barbier Dufy, that happened in the back of a moving carriage with each contestant having one arm tied behind their back and they had daggers just stab themselves as much as they could. In your studies, have you come across, like, more exceptional duels like that, where people went beyond just flintlocks and rapiers? Yes, those are called exceptional duels. They're written up in the dueling codes, and the dueling codes don't like them. They think that they're illegal, and that has actual consequences, although that gets fuzzy and a little hard to explain, but it's true. And they found them barbarous, and they felt that they, no true gentleman would actually engage in such a thing. But you can find them with, the weirdest one is a report I had of 1886 in the United States. Two engineers had a duel supposedly with dynamite. What?
Immediate caveat.
I have found no other backup on that except the fact that it's in this book, right? Can you see that? Oh, that's, that is, come on, the worn leather cover, that's gotta be real.
It has it right here about the, you know, the duel. And that's where it talks about the dynamite duel. But you can find duels with bullwhips? Yeah, yeah, Australia, an Australian newspaper reported that there were two Carters who, you know, Teamsters, literally Teamsters, you know, with teams, who got into a long-standing kind of rubbing, rubbing each other the wrong way and eventually decided to settle out with bullwhips. So many famous people had to engage in duels. Andrew Jackson, as they talk about in the episode, famously waited for his opponent to shoot him first.
And, you know, do these men of honor? Like, this actually helps their reputation. This makes them, this gives them greater status.
It's not just like, oh, there's that guy who killed five of my friends. I hate him.
Like, how did duel function in proper society? I think the duel in its infancy in the late 15th, early 16th century, through the 16th century, even, was a civilizing mechanism. It helped cut down on vendetta, family feuds that could last generations. And so, literally, these issues of honor, which might blow into real nasty blood feuds that could last generation after generation. In the 16th century, those began to get turned into one-on-one combat, individualized. So you, you kind of bring it all down to the point of a sword at one point, temporally, geographically, and say, okay, this is it, and now it's done. It also kept people polite to each other, right? You didn't want to, you know, just call somebody a puppy, or, which was a real insult, a pultrune, or a liar, and a liar was the worst.
Are we allowed to say the P word on stream? Can we, is this okay? Do we have to censor this? Just double checking. All right. I'm sorry. Just, you know, we have bright, we have standards. Just need to make sure we were clear.
On the episode, we definitely almost, I say almost too meticulously covered the duel between Paulina Metternich and the countess Cleen Menzig. Was there a continuing tradition of the so-called emancipated duels for women after that, or was it kind of a one-off thing? It was not common at all for women to duel. Virtually unknown. I've investigated most women's duels, trying to find a primary source to back them up, and a lot of the time they happen in, you know, here at El Fuego, until some odd place in Mexico where probably they didn't happen. A lot of the photographs of women's duels tended to be staged.
They were not real. And I have to say, even the one you brought up, there's a Dutch historian who suggested that it, pretty successfully, that it didn't happen at all. Oh, this is the first one, guys? Guys, this is the first one we got where our ex-reaction was like, nah, that didn't happen. I don't think it happened. So much ye olde clickbait in this story.
So there may be a couple of women's duels out there, but they were they were certainly frowned upon if they existed by the men. Women were not supposed to duel.
Thank you so much, Steven, for taking the time to kind of share your knowledge with us. If people want to follow your work or support any of your projects, where can they find you? Well, it's my pleasure to be here, and they can find my book, Politics of the Sword. But now I'm also working on honor killing, which is about laws in Italy, which allowed you to kill your husband or wife if you caught them in flagrante with another person. And so that will be coming out in an article, actually, within a couple of months, I think. Thank you so much, Steven. It was fun. Take care. Ciao ciao. Thank you so much for joining us on that intellectual journey, and be sure to check us out next time.
And I promise we will not call you a pultrune for doing so, right? We can't. Can I say pultrune? Are you going to believe this? Can I call someone a ragamuffin? Can I call people Fauntleroy? |
CrackerMilk | the_worst_yoga_studio_in_australia | I'm bloody tense and I'm ready to go to a bloody yoga meditation retreat bloody hell. Man, you got a really calm demeanor about you. Is that because you work at a bloody yoga meditation center? Yes, and welcome to the Crackamoke yoga meditation retreat. Welcome. My name is Connor Hargitay and I will be guiding you on this three-month peaceful retreat. All releases are healthy releases here at the yoga meditation retreat, so I welcome that with open arms.
And I want to know about you. What's your name? My name is Elias De Weijer. Hello, sorry I'm late. Ah, who it is. Have I interrupted anything? No, come in, come in and just tell us your name.
My name's Bessie Blue and I've got a big cunt. Ah, yes. Bessie Blue, could you do me a big favor? Aye.
Take a deep breath in for me. And now take a deep breath out.
Excellent. Much better, thank you. Do you feel more relaxed? Aye. Yes, no worries.
Now, if I could just get your attention for a minute. The first thing we'll be doing today is a yoga instructing class, okay? So I'll be taking you guys through a few poses and oops, my back hurts.
No, I won't.
Instead, I have Dutch Mike who'll be coming in. He is our resident yoga teacher here. Very, very talented man. I'm going to leave you guys in the hands of Dutch Mike. Oh, Dutch Mike, I wonder where he's from. Hey man, Dutch Mike.
How's it going? Welcome to my yoga class. Thanks, Dutch Mike. I'm going well. How are you going? Just hang on, mate. Yeah, where are you from? What? I'm feeling good.
Yeah, over here we do lots of helping products for helping your brain and... Dutch Mike, where are you from? I'm from Scotland. Dutch Mike, what do you do for a living?
Oh, I feel so relaxed. I'm ready to fucking do some yoga, man. Just a bit tired, man.
No, it's okay. Excuse me.
The only drug I need is Befry, mazbaz, haggis, and obesity crisis. Yeah, I'll need more of this. I'll need more.
Yeah, can I just have one? I don't think this is very relaxing or quite close. Hey, hey, hey, hey, Dutch Mike, Dutch Mike, look at me. Ready? I have to go. Is that a bat? On three with me. Deep breath. One, two, three. He stopped it. I did. Wait, watch me, watch me, watch me. On three. Now you take this seriously. Yeah, I can.
Is it a good technique to put your hands up in the air when you're ready? Watch me breathe. I'm going to breathe in through my nose. Put your hands up in the air while you do it.
He didn't do it again. He's not doing his best. Can you not hear me exhaling? That's not an exhale.
That's just you screaming like a little puss puss. Oh, isn't it the same thing? Releasing a lot of tension. I have been a yoga instructor for about two minutes. Yeah, he's really, he's very good. In all of my time, she, in all of my time, I have never been so disrespected. You're coming here and you're not believing in or breathing out. You're just going, oh, me told me, me told me. Disrespectful. It is true. You are.
What would William Wallace think? Think about that. What would William Wallace think? And the other thing that blows my mind is that.
See, again, he doesn't do it.
I'm sorry. I'm going to say a word and I want you to repeat back to me. The first thing that comes to your mind. Okay.
Haggis.
Very good. Very, very good. Bagpipe. Obesity crisis. Very good.
We are very fat in Scotland. This is a meditative exercise. I've just alienated one percent of our viewership. It's roughly three percent, but that's okay. Counting Scotland.
No, that's all right. There they go. There's the other two percent. Okay. And the final word for you. Okay.
Big Cunt. I see my childhood. I see my da, my ma, my pa, my grandma. This is good.
He's all sailing away on Loch Ness. I say, no, you've left me behind on the shore.
What am I to do? And they say, but they were too far away for me to hear. So I had to shoot. What do you think I should do?
And they said, and I couldn't hear them. And that turned out I shouted so loud that I destroyed my eardrums. Do you think this has been a traumatic event that you've never been able to hear?
Aye, that's why I hate my feelings. Oh, I see.
And it all went to big cunt. My big cunt.
That's also genetic. Genetic.
Aye. How do you, how do you feel now that you've brought this up? Elongated. Let's give him a round of applause.
Beautiful work.
Are you ready for your turn? Yeah. Can I just say that since you've been, since you spoke to us about that really traumatic past of yours, your volume and your tone has just been significantly reduced. I can really sense the stresses out of you. Yeah. How's that? Yeah. Beautiful. Can you feel that? Do you feel how much calmer and resonated you are with yourself? Rigid. Yeah. Yet. You feel rigid. Yet.
Small and smooth. Rigid, yet small and smooth.
It's quite a combination. Yeah. That's beautiful. Smooth sanded plank of wood. Yeah. Like a varnished ball. I think that's as far as you can go with the Scottish. They don't really get any deeper than that. I see. Yeah.
As deep as look Ness. Is that deep? Very deep. Deep enough to fit an entire dinosaur inside.
Have you heard of Nessie? Yeah, I have heard of her.
Yeah. Elias, as a yoga instructor, six minutes I've been a yoga instructor. I'm going to say a word. You're going to tell me what that word is in your brain. What word comes next? Nessie. Hot. Aye. I agree. She's a striking last chance. Do you have any other words? Word association. Okay. You ready for another one? Yeah.
Dog. Oh no. What does your association Elias with the word dog? Puppy.
Good. Okay. Keep moving. Just react as quick as you can. Okay.
Female woman in fursuit. Oh no. Young man in fursuit. Oh no. 40 to 50 year old man in fursuit.
Answer their question. No. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Thank you for listening to another episode of the Crack Milk Podcast.
This week our patrons are all. Me ma, me pa, me da, me grandma. All sailing away on Loch Ness.
Very good. And Elias, do you have any final things you want to say? Yes.
My name is Elias and I love dogs and other animals having sex with each other. And I actually don't have sex with animals. I just like watching it and crying after because shame on me. I'm a naughty boy.
Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame. I'm ashamed. I'm so ashamed.
Goodbye.
Ready?
Watch me breathe. I'm going to breathe in through my nose. Put your hands up in the air while you do it. He didn't do it again. He's not doing his breath. Can you not hear me exhaling? That's not an exhale.
That's just you screaming like a little puss puss. Oh, isn't it the same thing? Releasing a lot of tension. Elias, I have been a yoga instructor for about two minutes. Yeah, he's really, he's very good. In all my time, in all of my time, I have never been so disrespected. You're coming here and you're not believing in or breathing out. You're just going, oh, me told me, me told me. Disrespectful. It is true. You are.
What would William Wallace think? Think about that. What would William Wallace think? And the other thing that blows my mind is that, um, See again, he doesn't do it.
I'm sorry. I'm going to say a word and I want you to repeat back to me. The first thing that comes to your mind. Okay.
Haggis.
Very good. Very, very good. Bagpipe. Obesity crisis. Very good.
We are very fat in Scotland. This is a meditative exercise. I've just alienated 1% of our viewership. It's roughly 3%, but that's okay. Aye, we cannae count in Scotland.
No, that's all right. There they go. There's the other 2%. Okay. And the final word for you. Okay. Aye.
Big cunt. I see me childhood. I see me da, me ma, me pa, me grandma. This is good.
They're all sailing away on Loch Ness. I say, no, you've left me behind on the shore.
What am I to do? And they say, but they were too far away for me to hear. So I had to shoot. What do you think I should do? And they said, and I couldnae hear them. And that turned out, I shouted so loud that I destroyed my eardrums. Do you think this has been a traumatic event that you've never been able to hear what your parents have said?
Aye, that's why I hate my feelings. And it all went too big cunt. My big cunt.
That's also genetic. Genetic.
Aye. How do you, how do you feel now that you've brought this up? Elongated. Let's give him a round of applause.
Beautiful work.
Are you ready for your turn? Yeah. Can I just say that since you've been, since you spoke to us about that really traumatic past of yours, your volume and your tone has just been significantly reduced. I can really sense the stresses out of you. How's that? Yeah. Beautiful. Can you feel that? Do you feel how much calmer and resonated you are with yourself? I feel rigid. Yeah. Yet. You feel rigid.
Yet small and smooth. Small and rigid. Yet small and smooth.
It's quite a combination. Yeah. That's beautiful. Smooth sanded plank of wood. I am like a varnished ball. I think that's as far as you can go with the Scottish. They don't really get any deeper. I see. Yeah.
As deep as Loch Ness. Is that deep? Very deep. Deep enough to fit an entire dinosaur inside.
Have you heard of Nessie? Yeah, I have heard of her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Elias, as a yoga instructor, six minutes I've been a yoga instructor. I'm going to say a word. Yes. You're going to tell me what that word is in your brain. What word comes next? Nessie. Hot. Aye. I agree. She's a striking last chance. Do you have any other words? Word association. Okay, you ready for another one? Yeah.
Dog. Oh, no. What does your association Elias with the word dog? Puppy.
Good. Okay. Keep moving. Just react as quick as you can. Okay.
Female woman in fursuit. Oh, no. Young man in fursuit. Oh, no. 40 to 50 year old man in fursuit.
Oh, no. Answer their question. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Thank you for listening to another episode of the Crack Mill Podcast.
This week, our patrons are all... Me ma, me pa, me da, me grand ma, all sailing away on Loch Ness.
Very good. And Elias, do you have any final things you want to say?
Yes, my name is Elias and I love dogs and other animals having sex with each other and I actually don't have sex with animals. I just like watching it and crying after because shame on me. I'm a naughty boy.
Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame. I'm ashamed. I'm so ashamed.
Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. |
cracked | why_this_week_s_episode_is_daenerys_villain_origin_story_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey everyone, welcome to episode six of winners taking forever. I'm Daniel. I'm Michael.
We're gonna talk about Game of Thrones Today let's talk about the the the biggest character coming back Benjen Stark last time We saw him was episode three of the whole show Yeah And I feel like it was a it was a kind of like a boy who cried Benjen situation There was like plenty of times where they tried to tell you Benjen was gonna come back this episode Maybe yeah, because they showed like a deep cut Flashback or a thing from season one where Benjen was hanging out and then Benjen just didn't come back So I felt like it was a nice way to like actually surprise us with Benjen They're so bad about the previously on because it's like they show you Hodor dying and they show you things that just happened and then also like so long Uncle Benjen Okay, I'll remember him now that matters my favorite part about bringing Benjen back was Their consistency of accents because he dropped a like a mother His mother made my heart flutter a little bit. I was like, oh Ned's back a little bit. Let's talk about Sam and Gilly. We meet his Aggressively mean horrible father getting like two for one on mean things to say to Gilly like I thought you were a whore And I was fine with it. Turns out you're worse than a whore You just met this woman. Yeah, it's not a great job by Gilly either because there's like a significant amount of prep that Sam Puts in and she just immediately right off the bat just says everything He doesn't want to say and just ruins the entire situation for everyone. He's a great to worry that either of you will have to be Sam takes that Valerian steel sword he steals it from his father and like on the one hand good This is a hero moment Sam is gonna do a thing and we know how important Valerian steel is on the other other hand The show isn't very kind to people who turn on their family He kind of immediately went from like I'm having like a weird facial tick You know, I mean that my dad talks to me to like what he come for it He can bloody well try he also in the middle of it had a hard time holding the sword and like broad length Which is probably not great. This concludes my favorite second show Sam's garbage Do you want to unpack brands vision this time? We got the first glimpse of the Mad King screaming burn them all that makes me wonder where they're where they're going with that and if brand is going to Similarly warg into the Mad King We know that brand can warg into people in the past and make them repeat something over and over again We know that King Aries. He said burn them all over and over again until he died by Jamie and we know that Brand has reason to say burn them all in his present Like I'm thinking that maybe brand sees much white walkers and is saying burn them all and that somehow warg infects the Mad King That makes him go crazy. Yeah, let's talk about Arya There's some way that I'm not pronouncing it right and I apologize.
She turned her back on the house of black and white Finally, she got needle back. So she never really was committed to not being all you stark anymore She always had needle hidden in that rock for all the kind of problems I had with this entire storyline the second she uncovered needle. I was like standing and yeah, you know I had like a tank top of my house I do think that it was a little bit out of character on the way out You know, she kind of dramatically knocks the glass down careful that one She's like straight-up accused her of like attempted murder and then she just pieces out of the scene never to be seen again Like that woman is gonna get killed.
Yeah immediately. It's clear We got kind of a an impending battle between Arya and the you know nameless Yeah other female at the house of black and white you've been training this whole time Here's a staff and I was like no sores Khaleesi Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen like three weeks ago when she's in the field wearing the dirty dress and drop in earrings and things like that She can't draw guns like just eating sheep randomly and flying away and doing whatever he wants to do and then suddenly The wind blows and she rides off and she's riding Drogon again. And now she's like a dragon master That would have been incredibly useful Two weeks ago if you could just summon a dragon and fly away wherever you wanted to fly away Yeah, they're pretty inconsistent with her control her bond with Drogon. She gets her dragon she finds her dragon Drogon and then does this big speech that is very Similar to the one that Khal Drogo gave a couple years ago when he pledged to get her the Iron Throne if I'm one of those Dothraki I would be like Stop selling. Remember when you burnt all our Khals? Like walked through flames naked. I was on board. We're spending so much time with Danny But I wonder if that's gonna be one of like the biggest misdirects of the show that she's gonna just eventually Die and not matter or is she eventually going to become a villain because she's got a lot of the flashes of the Mad King We that is one of the other reasons they could have shown that flashback today It's like hey remember that there's like crazy in her bloodline And now here she is doing either a very rousing or very terrifying speech That's a scary person speech it could be that she's gonna be Convinced to face the white walkers or that she's gonna realize okay, maybe the throne isn't the important thing It's the entire kingdom It's saving human life right and that might be enough of like a move away from the typical plot that you can consider it a red Hair. Yes, I'm degree.
I won't talk about Walter Freight We haven't seen him since the the episode after the red wedding. This is very TV show thing to do where Walter Freight almost direct to camera is like yeah I just have to remind him that you killed Rob Starks wife and baby and you killed Lady Katlyn Stark And they didn't ever also remember the wedding was for Edward come here and it was you or we all caught up now, okay good They had enough seems of scenes of him like slapping the butt of like a 13 year old cousin No, he reminds me of like job of the hut a little bit I'm just like he's like pawing all the time never seen a character more primed for comeuppance Then Walter Freight, he's gonna get his soon with all these like badass Starks coming back into the situation What does it mean that Benjen Stark is alive? There is just no way that You have Benjen and you don't have any sort of interaction between him and John. They're close enough proximity wise It seems to be that John's path is to reclaim the north in the name of the Starks and it seems to me that The kind of second step of that process is convincing the rest of the world that there's this huge threat from the walkers I feel like I've been Nostalgically waiting for for John and Benjen to get back together, you know, John went to the wall to serve with his uncle Yeah, and he said it time at the wall through and through and John's is still you know pretty pure and I think he's he's if you look at anyone in like a typical hero's journey John is probably dealing with it my Kind of eight-year-old Star Wars loving self wants John to be the one that kind of leads the charge wearing the direwolf armor And and I think Benjen should be a part of that Predictions. I think the show was clearly setting up and you talked about this off-camera the meeting of you're on Greyjoy and Danny because two weeks ago he told all his men build me a thousand ships right now go home and do it and then This week how many ships will I need to bring my colors out to Westeros thousand exactly a thousand and who has that money?
Nobody. Well, not yet direct-to-camera.
I think She Murders here on Greyjoy. Yeah, and just takes those ships cuz he's gonna come there. He's gonna show up all Pumped up on dick swagger. Yeah, I'd be like, here's here's here are my ships Danny. Let's get let's get married No, no, I mean the ships sure nice good, but any one of my armies, please kill Yara might get there first. You're on might get there. They both have a bunch of ships You know, I'm hoping that there is a little bit of redemption for Theon and you know Yara is able to kind of talk woman to woman to Daenerys. I think that would be a cooler Way to kind of get them moving to Westeros help it turns out. Well, I think it's gonna work out I think it seems like it's gonna work out for everybody, right?
Hey everyone, thank you for watching. Make sure you click and subscribe And tell us names for other segments to do in the future of this show.
I've been Daniel. This is Michael Srouwer our Senior director business director of business operation got in development. Yeah, that's a real title |
dropout | oh_no_why_is_this_trending_2017_edition | Welcome to the game everyone plays when they log on to Twitter. Oh no! Why is this trending? Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of Oh No! Why is this trending? We've got a lot of inscrutable trending topics for us to unpack, so we're going to jump right into it. You guys ready? Sure am I. Alright, here we go. Why is this trending?
Sylvester Stallone. Is there going to be another Rocky sequel?
No. He died? He did not die.
This is a little crazy, but does it have something to do with Trump? Yes it does! Yes, Trump was considering him for a cabinet position. Really?
That's right. Okay, moving on.
Pile of Garbage. Why is this trending? Katie? Is it some sort of ecological disaster in like Jersey or something?
Good guess, but no. Trump? Yes, this one is also Trump. Pile of Garbage, this is what he called Buzzfeed at a press conference where he is the president. How about this one? Golden Shower Piss Boy. Okay, you were all pretty close there, I think that was Katie. Okay, I know this one is Trump. Yes, that is Trump, that is what he is, a Golden Shower Piss Boy. Okay, Martin Shkreli. Trump.
Yes, Grizzly Bears. Yes, Nazi Cheese. I don't know what this is or why this is, but I'm going to go Trump. You are correct. Wait, are all of these trending topics about Trump? Yes. Why?
This is all we talk about on Twitter now. But there used to be like jokes. Yeah, that's all gone. Now it's just a never-ending shit parade of horrible news stories about Trump. Yep, yep.
Oh no, no, hang on, I just saw Kellogg's go by and I could swear that I saw New Balance earlier. They must be promoted brand tweets, right? Ooh, I'm afraid not. Those were pro-Trump people boycotting Kellogg's for being anti-Trump, and anti-Trump people boycotting New Balance for being pro-Trump. I can't wear New Balance anymore?
That's correct, you also can't use Uber. This fucking sucks. Correct. Oh, wow. Thanks.
Oh, here's one that isn't related to Trump. Why is this trending? Mary Tyler Moore.
Oh, did she die? She did die.
Oh, yes, great, points. Wait, fuck, no, I love her. It doesn't have to be like this. Here's a fun idea.
Describe your sex life using the title of any movie, okay? I'll go first, minus The Secret Life of Pets. Okay, Katie, I don't know what that's about.
No, I just like, I'm quick. I mean, every time I tell a joke since the election. I don't like to use the word privilege. It makes me feel like I'm kind of tone deaf, you know?
Okay, never mind. God. Well, that's the end of our show.
Join us again for our next episode in four years when we can finally start having fun again. Oh, God, four years. Maybe eight years.
Oh, God. I know. |
TheOnion | Everyone_Unaware_How_Much_Freshman_Doing_Keg_Stand_Secretly_Misses_His_Parents | A pregnant woman is relieved to hear her rape was illegitimate, college roommates continue their bonding process until real friends are made, and a teacher hopes they never Google him. It's time for the weekly video feature that's heartier and more comforting than a heaping bowl of mom's butternut squash soup. This is the Onion Week in Review. The editors of Central Connecticut State University's student newspaper The Recorder officially endorsed Barack Obama for president in a front-page editorial this week entitled Our Choice for Tomorrow. Running alongside an article on the volleyball team's 3-1 victory over the Farley Dickinson Knights and an article about the annual drag talent show planned for Greek Week, the 600-word editorial was reportedly the result of several long and intense discussions among the paper's editorial board, who, despite calling Mitt Romney a quote worthy candidate, ultimately determined that Barack Obama was better suited for leading the country. Selecting a candidate is not something we take lightly, and while Mr. Obama hasn't been able to turn this country around during his first term, we think that he is the most worthy candidate for the highest post in the land.
Longtime James F. Blaine elementary school teacher Suzanne Pomponio told reporters today that she could not believe how much fatter her second graders are getting. Pomponio estimates that each and every one of her kids must be 8 to 10 pounds heavier than anyone in her 2011 class, adding quote, and those kids were pretty fat too. Honestly, I didn't think it was possible that this year's kids could be fatter than last year's, but they are, I mean, short kids are fat, tall kids are fat, and there's a smell.
I don't really know how to describe it. Local dad Michael Carain navigated several discount travel websites today with a precision reminiscent of 18th century Viennese prodigy Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart composing a symphony. Definitely moving through several itinerary dates as though striking the first chord of the coronation concerto on an ornate fortepiano, Carain breezily booked a round trip ticket to Fort Lauderdale for his oldest son, Jonathan, exhibiting the raw talent of the maestro himself effortlessly penning arpeggios with a plumed quill. I found a flight to Portland for $190 on kayak a few months ago, but you know, just because they have it on kayak doesn't mean you shouldn't check out Orbits or Expedia because there are plenty of free last minute flights out there. And in local news, everyone at a college party is unaware how much freshman Todd Weissman currently in the middle of a keg stand misses his parents, his home and his friends. While Weissman appears excited, gorging on an excessive amount of alcohol, sources confirm that nobody can tell the 18-year-old is completely oblivious to the voices chanting his name or the blaring music, because all he's truly thinking about is returning home for Thanksgiving, hugging his mother and father, sleeping in his own bed, and possibly transferring to a school closer to home. Reports indicate that mere seconds after the freshman returns to his dorm room, he will break down in tears while staring at a picture of his dog, Caroline. In other news, a new sympathetic alarm clock just lets you sleep. One area man regrets investing in Facebook, and a sixth grade teacher is seen making out with the GameStop dude. This week's Onion Review was actually narrated by world class impressionist Frank Caliendo. The guy's good! For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_123_Kev_Carmody | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Petuta Advocate radio show here live in the old city district downtown Petuta recording from the Budgie Smuggler studio. You're joined of course by myself Clancy Overall, editor of The Petuta Advocate and Errol Parker, editor at large. With me, how are you Errol?
Good mate. We're here in the Diamantina, not a cloud in the sky. I think that summer is just around the corner. It's warming up. It's great.
We've actually recorded in the Diamantina Shire 1000 days of zero community transmission of coronavirus. That's been great. We actually haven't had one active case within a thousand kilometres of here for quite some time.
Oh no, I think there was two cases up there at Inaminke just down the road. I think they've been able to clear that up. Yeah, they've been able to isolate and contact trace. Two more down there at Tippaburra.
Yeah. I think, yeah. Ruby Princess.
But today's guest, he's a Queenslander, he's out bush still, but they got a sea breeze where he is in the, in the kind of granite, I guess you'd say granite winery region of... They're affectionately known as the Queensland ski fields. Stanthorpe, you know, the home of Billy Moore and the home of Kev Comedy.
Thank you for joining us today, Kev. Thanks for having us. You fellas look like that you're, you've got so many people listening to your program. It's unbelievable. Yeah, yeah. It's congratulations. It's good to do a bit of bush, to bring a bit of bush to everyone too, you know. It's a weird time in the world where we're all learning how to use programs like this. So I appreciate you jumping on the Zoom call as well.
In your music, Kev, you're some sort of a, I guess, anthropologist at times and a lot of your music kind of bounces between different parts of the world really. You've written about those Logan kids, a lot of your songwriting from up north in the cane fields and of course, you know, down through Charleville, Julia Creek, syrup and damper and salted corn, beef. You've been all around the place, where would a view have called home when you look back at your younger years?
Oh, I just suppose Australia. I mean, there was no place, well, it was mainly Queensland because we got better payers drovers in Queensland than we did in New South Wales.
Seeing that connection to the outside world with the radio, you know, listening to the symphony orchestras, because we could get shortwave on this little radio. So we could hear Moscow and hear the Moscow symphony orchestra playing Beethoven. We could hear so much different music as well as the old hillbilly stuff that in the morning, in the evening time, we'd get the classical stuff. And it gave me a global concept fancy of, you know, it was bigger than what I was seeing because I could see the night sky over night time and see the whole eternity and infinity of the cosmos.
We were isolated and insulated in some ways because we travelled as a group. And knowing that it was a real skill, well, it was a real skill, knowing that your home was everywhere. You know what I mean? And we never had swags, we never had, we just had a lump of canvas and two old army blankets from the second hand store. And every day you had to move eight mile by the permit, they give you a permit. So you had to move that amount.
But like seeing little cars born, like the whole of creation, I wrote that song, I've been moved, the lyrics, the first time I ever, well, I always do the music first and put the lyrics, but this time on the back of I'll's, you know, breakfast cereal cardboard, I wrote down, I've been moved by the wind upon the waters and the shadows as the leaves are blown. And then the second verse is about our eldest son when he was born, like, I've been moved by the crying of the newborn. And also not only the humans being born, but the little calves being born on the road.
And they, you know, they can't make that stage, that eight bloody mile. So you'd have to pick them up. And boy, some of them old cows, mate, boy, oh boy, when they coming at you, those old Herefords, boy, they were bloody wild old buggers.
Mum had put the afterbirth on her arms so that the old cow, she could do anything with them calves. She put them in the truck, take them along the stage till they could learn to walk proper. She'd take them along to the lunchtime stage, pull them out of the truck so that the old cow could, the old cow would know, learn that the calf was in the truck. She'd run up and mum would pick the calf up, take it out, put it on the ground. The old cow wouldn't even bloody bother her because she had the smell of the afterbirth on her.
Yeah, right. You know, old cow could smell that and she trusted mum. But boy, us fellas, we'd go near, boy, you'd be around the other side of the bloody truck running. Yeah. Old cow would be at it, you know.
But there was that beauty of the whole universe. As a kid, I just thought, wow, this is phenomenal. And then listening to the music, the way it was put together, and like just the smell of the horses and stuff like that. All your senses were aware and you didn't have the sounds of trucks, the urban sounds.
I mean, when I go to Sydney, how you fellas exist down there with that background? Oh, but you don't. You're a patoota. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see, you're right, mate. You're right. You fellas would have to take these fellas from Sydney and take them up to patoota and take the earphones off of them and just let them listen to the sounds of the universe. Yeah.
And the same with the light pollution and the stars and all that kind of stuff that all kind of informed your writing. Oh, look, Kenji, I tell you, what freaked me out when I first went to Sydney, which is in 1988.
I got a lift down on a 30-ton truck of bloody seafood. I got a lift from Contharf, just north of Brisbane, with Cliffie. Boy, Cliffie was something else, mate. He had 30 tons, but, oh, shit, he did the run every week, and I turned up with a guitar and a little bloody case, a little port, and he took me right, but he smoked.
Yeah. See? Yeah. And he smoked that other stuff. Oh, right. That's the first time I'd like to smell it, and, bloody hell, mate, you crossed the McLean River with a 30-tonne of coke in the opposite way, and here he is, mate, happy as Larry. Now he's got a bloody 30 centimetre in between him and the other one. Shit. On the way they bought that, the river ran a rolly. Yeah. That's right. But, anyway, we get to bloody Sydney at four o'clock in the morning, and we unloaded. I helped him out a load at the fish markets there, and he'd give me, in a 30-tonne, it was empty, of course, but he'd give me, like, a Uber ride in the 30-tonne down Broadway, and I had to meet this bloke at the Broadway Hotel. Yeah. You know their opposite, Grace Brothers, or the old, is it still there? Yeah, I think it's at Westfield. Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's Shepherd Street. That's where I had to meet the fellow. So I sat on the bloody milk crate, and Cliffie dropped me off right there. Like it was like a taxi ride in a 30-tonne. And I sat there looking at this road, and I thought, holy bloody hell, this is Progress Freeway, mate. This is unbelievable. Because, like, just watching the city wake up from about five o'clock onwards, yeah, it was a bit weird, because they all thought I was a derelict or something sitting there.
But they saw the guitar, but I suppose they thought, well, he's got some money. He hasn't bought that.
In your writing, you talk about the deep north and the cane fields, and you kind of talk about this egalitarian society you lived in with a, you know, I mean, Slim Dusty sang about it, men of all nations and places. What was that like in the cane fields? Was that as a driving family, or was your family involved in the sugar cane?
No. No, we'll see.
Mum being indigenous and Dad being Irish, they couldn't get married in southern Queensland, because it was just, it was against the law, right? So they went up the cairns back to the, you know, my grandfather was born in the bush before the turn of the 20th century, in the middle of Lakefield National Park, you know, right up on the cairn. Crocodile country, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crocodile Dundee, you want to watch out if you go up there. But anyway, that's where they went to get married. So Dad was a volunteer in the Second World War. He got out, he married Mum and they got married in Cairns because it was really multicultural then, you know, Dad worked in the sugar mill shoveling bloody coal into the big furnaces for the Mulgrave sugar mill. Right.
And he got his steam ticket, you know, because we used to get rides on the little train the little steam trains, but then him and his Dad, they had a block of land down in southern Queensland that they rented off the government and the government said in 1950, unless you come back to the block of land, because we were four years in Cairns, unless you come back, we're going to take it off here. Dad and Mum came back and Dad used to do all the work for the stations and like fencing and droving and mustering and branding. It was all contract them days with the big stations. And that's how we come down to southern Queensland. But like we used to do the family because we're only a small unit, we used to do the smaller droving trips, you know, six, 800 mile max. We wouldn't even get 800, probably 600 mile. But that's the way we made a living and we used this block of land as a place to run the horses and milking cows and stuff like that.
But yeah, like it was multicultural Pansy up in Cairns. There was Maltese, there was Yugoslavs, there was bloody Greeks, there was Italians. Yeah, it was multicultural. We learned about garlic, we learned about bloody chili, we learned about tomatoes, all that sort of stuff because of the immigrants that had come in after the Second World War.
Yeah. Yeah, right. You know, I actually did the last hand cut of cane at the Nambour Sugar Mill, you know, just north of Brisbane. That's a bloody hard job, but she's good money. Yeah. She's good money.
Kevin Rudd country there. Yeah, look, I never bloody saw him on a cane night. No, you probably wouldn't. He didn't come from the floor, that bloke.
Where did music start to find a place in your life? Was it around sort of this time or was it something that come a bit later? No, look, it was always there. It was always there, as I said, that extension from listening to this, you know, the symphony orchestra in bloody Austria or wherever on the shortwave radio. Yeah. To the, you know, the country, we became country and western, the old hillbilly music. I just thought it was a great, great way of expressing yourself because it was a way of recording stuff too. Like the Droven Woman one, you know, that's three stories put together.
One part there where the bloke gets given the horse, that's what they do. You'd go past a big station, the horse breaker would break into horses. They'd always come out to the drover camp over night time, but they'd give you horses to quieten and to teach them how to, you know, work stock and that. Best way to do it is behind a bloody mob of cattle, same old thing day after day after day, and you'd quieten them and they'd know their job and then you'd drop the horse on the way back. So we'd get three bloody horses and they'd get them quietened.
Yeah. Occasionally you'd get a horse that somebody tried to break its spirit. Yeah. Whipped it, pick it up, flog it.
And man, some of them, you know, Jesus used to have a rodeo every bloody morning you got on, and you'd have to watch them because they'd go all right for a full day. Then after lunchtime, next thing, boy, they, you were bloody, that pig jumping all over the place.
And when you least expected it, yeah, so you'd get a bad one occasionally. And that's in that Drover Woman song, that's what happened to the fella, because a fair few men got, or a fair few people got hurt or killed. A bit like a dinga. You never know when it's going to turn.
Yeah, well, that's the thing. Yeah, they're smarter than the average dog. Yeah. So how old were you when you decided that you might like to try and start making some music of your own? Well, look, that's the thing.
It was about, Grandma and Granddad gave us these little three-quarter guitars when we were about ten or eleven. And they were just bloody, you know, plywood bloody things. But our local, he taught us a few chords on it. But the thing was, you know, I heard these old blues fellas, again on the ABC, heard these fellas playing and thought, Jesus, they don't need a bloody band like Elvis. They don't need a band like bloody, you know, Hank Williams or whatever. They could play the rhythm, the lead and the bass by themselves. I thought, bloody hell, I've got to learn how to do this because then you don't need a band. And anyway, I was telling somebody this as well.
We used to treat, on the road, drove in the rubbish dumps. We used to treat them as open-air supermarkets. So, you know, little country towns, they'd just throw the bloody rubbish all over the bloody stock route. But we'd pick up the bolts, we'd pick up the nails, we'd pick up the bloody sheets on and roll up the bloody wire and everything. Because we'd recycle, we'd use it, you know, back home.
Tell you what, the other thing is, when they put grids in, one time you had to get out, open the gate up, put the cattle through and everything. And if you were driving a motor car, if you had the money to have a motor car, you had to get out, open the gate, go on eight mile, next bloody gate, open it up. They put in these things called grids. Well, holy bloody hell, didn't we get some hubcaps? Because when these old bloody cars, the old Hudson's and the bloody ships, when they hit the bloody grids for the first time, you know, when they first put them in, they'd be bloody hubcaps, 100 metres down the bloody road in the bush.
We'd be picking them up. They'd make good things for, you know, watering your dog and feeding your dog and that.
They weren't made of plastic. They weren't made of plastic, no. Yeah, but anyway, in this bloody, one of these rubbish dumps, I found a bloody book.
And it said, teach yourself the guitar. Now, I thought that was pretty good. It wasn't, you know, I'm going to teach you the guitar or, you know, you can learn the guitar. It was saying you can bloody learn it yourself.
But it was wet, you see, the book was wet. So I took it back to the campfire and, you know, over a while, I dried it out.
But I learnt then basically how to play with the four fingers, you know, so you can play your bass, your rhythm, you know, and you don't need a band. Helps to have a band, but I've never had one. So that's where a song like Cannot By My Soul come from. That guitar piece in there was a little piece I made up to try and exercise this pattern with my fingers.
And then I just put words to it and Archie sings it and I'm never going to sing it again, I don't think, because he just did such a beautiful job of that. God, that voice. That's what we're saying with these albums you released, where you've kind of got all your friends and different artists from around the country singing your songs. Were there many songs like that where you kind of thought, geez, they've done a good job here? I mean, personally, I'd say Troy Cassadale is singing On The Wire. You know, that's the best of the two of you coming together there. Oh, look, Troy, that man. And just you can feel that he feels the lyrics in that song. And I just, again, it's one of those songs, God, am I ever going to sing this again?
Because it's like all the tracks on there. I don't know, it takes me to another level because it's just like these new ones coming on with these younger ones, reinterpreting the stuff, using a basic theme, but also putting their own lyrics to it. You know, it's making it new again to the younger ones. And I can sit back behind the lounge chair now and just say, oh, yeah, you know, you fellas can keep going. I can keep writing them here. Because it does fire me up to keep writing because I had nothing to do with the first album, the first compilation.
Paulie Kelly did the lot. He just sent through. Oh, here's Tex Perkins singing this and oh, here's Troy Cassadale singing. Here's Johnny Butler playing a bit of slide. Paul goes, I hope you don't mind. And then in this one, it's Sean, his partner, Sean and him are doing it.
And because they said, oh, you've got to listen to the DLP, the vinyl. I haven't got a bloody vinyl player yet. So Paul had to do it and listen to see if there's any bloody scratches or whatever on it. Because the only last time I saw a vinyl was when the rapper started and they were scratching the bloody thing like this.
And I thought, geez, you're stuffing up a bloody good record there, mate. What are you doing? We've interviewed Paul Kelly a couple of times and he's all around, you know, whether he's in St Kilda or he's in King's Cross or he's in wherever he is in the world. You seem to spend a lot more time in the bush and you do a lot of your music. A lot of your music's made in the bush. How do you kind of exist around the kind of industry side of music? Does it come to you? It feels like that because Paul is on the road a lot. Oh, yeah. Well, the music side of things like I knew that what I was writing, I mean, I never started recording until I was over 40 years old.
I just knew that it wasn't going to bloody work commercially. Forget it. And I was never going to make video clips. No way.
So what used to happen was I got to Queensland Uni. Would you believe they let me in? Triple Z radio station was at the uni. And they had a one hour session of Blackfella music run by Rossi Watson. He was a mate of mine.
So I just come down with the guitar. We'd have a yarn like we're having like this. And I'd say, oh, look here, I've got a new song. It's called Thou shalt not steal. And I just play it live to air.
But he'd record it on the quarter inch tape. Then he put it on the cassette.
Then he sent it to his mob, Tiger Bales, down in Radio Redfern, who would then put it on the cassette, send it to Triple R in bloody Melbourne, who would then send it to Bloody Broom, who would then send it to Northern Territory. Bama Bipra in Cairns.
Yeah. Everywhere.
Before I ever actually officially recorded the song, they were out amongst the community radio stations for years. The Murray radio station's some of the oldest in the country, aren't they, in terms of ongoing community setups?
Yeah. When did you start, I mean, we just spoke with the label executive before helping us set up the Zoom call. When did you start meeting people like that? Oh, yeah, Miriam. Oh, boy. She's not disliked anything. When did you start meeting people like Miriam? Oh, well, only about, oh, crikey, a couple of months ago. Now, I'm talking about, like, in terms of working with the people from the music industry. When did you first start meeting people like that? Oh, way back, way back, let's say about 1989, 88, 88, I think, the first album came out, yeah, on vinyl. According to the label, it didn't sell much at all. Yeah.
But there again, I was so fortunate. I didn't have access to a phone for about eight years because of the special branch in Jocky Peterson's regime in bloody Queensland. They had you tapped. So I didn't know what was going on. But, yeah, oh, mate, he was something else, that fella. He was something else. He had you tapped, did he?
Is that what you're saying? You weren't using the phone? Oh, no bloody fear. That's right, his special branch. We caused a lot of people to have a lot of jobs. Yeah. Like, to sit up all night on the telephone, listening to somebody picked it up and said, Mr. Bajocki Peterson is not a very nice person or your police commissioner is bloody corrupt. You had to watch what you were saying. Yeah. Anyway, not having a phone. They're probably a bit happier if you're giving them race tips for Eagle Farm. Yeah, yeah. I'm telling them where the local ladies of the night dwell because Russ Hinn is the minister for everything and brown paper bags full of bloody money. The joker.
Yeah, well, he said there was no ladies of the night in Queensland. There was no, yeah, there definitely wasn't.
He just drove down Wickham Street with his eyes closed.
Dead right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We won't say any names now. We might wind up in trouble.
There's a few of them still alive, mate, I can tell you. There's one working for the Department of Home Affairs right now, I think. Look out, you'll be put over there and I'll have the cufflinks.
You'll have to throw the phone away again.
Yeah. Yeah, mate. Yeah.
So you got access to a phone eventually after the Joey era wrapped up and then that's when you started kind of talking to people that could kind of cut a few records for you. Yeah, we paid for the first Pillars of Society ourselves, but the big thing, my friend, was Bruce Elder from Sydney Morning Herald did a review that I didn't know about, but apparently, well, it was. He just said it was really good music. Okay, and then next thing, I've got all these people bloody sending me letters and notes and stuff because, see, I had no telephone and I was actually squatting at Queensland Uni.
Don't tell anybody.
I was squatting, yeah. I put my bloody mattress behind the bloody filing cabinet in there. As a postgraduate student, I had a room in a house that had a stove. It had a bloody bathroom. It had everything in it, so why not utilise it, which I did. It was a halfway house for the women too.
Yeah, right. If they got in trouble over night time going from the university to the West End Ferry, they could race into my little place where I was squatting. Anyway, what else can I tell you? Have they still got any grapes in Stanthorpe? Oh, Jesus, yeah. Look, there's no peaches, there's no nectarines, there's apples and there's pears still left, but yeah, no, God, wine, wine, wine and cheese, wine and cheese. Yeah, right.
One thing I wanted to ask, Kev, is when did you meet Paul Kelly because that seems like a pivotal moment in both your careers. We interviewed Paul a few times.
Oh, God. He's pretty vague. Yeah, we wrote that song around a campfire one night. I was like, where did you blokes meet? Because he's an Adelaide boy by Melbourne. Yes, and Hobart. He said, oh, boys, I don't really have a home. I like to travel around. Oh, dude, bloody hell. He's having his own with that one.
The thing is, I was working with the marginalized kids down in Logan City, working there with them, and his brother, Martin, was working with the kids and also his other brother, Tony, so Martin and Tony, and then his mum, Kelly, she used to help with the food and that with these marginalized kids because we used to go into the parks over nighttime and just, well, interact with these kids, doing artworks and goodness knows what all. But I knew his two brothers and his mum before I actually knew him.
When I first went to Sydney, they took me to this thing called the Enmore Theatre, and I was up the top part. They put me there. I was up in the bloody, what do they call it?
Yeah, mezzanine. Yes, sir. Yeah, mezzanine. It blows where you fall for. But anyway, I was sitting there in this row, and then this bloke that took me said, oh, that's Paul Kelly up there. Right. And I said, oh, yeah, he's there.
Because we were looking at the go-betweens. The go-betweens. They took me to see the go-betweens, and Paul was in the audience. But anyway, after that, they took us around to the back, to the side, and Paul was there.
And that's where I sort of first, well, I said, yeah, okay, well, I knew him. But then he got in contact with me after the first album come out in 1988. Excuse me.
And then he came up with his young son, Declan, and we took him camping. Yeah, right. He came up on the bus, or he came up on the train. And then we took him to a big water hole camping with our mob, and I had one of those old trooper, Land Rover troop carriers. Troopies. Yeah. Yeah, every bug was jammed into the back, so I went to this place that just opened up called Wyvernhoe Dam, and that's when we really got together for the first time and actually started going, jing, jing. Yeah, right.
He writes extremely quickly. You've got to pull him out, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. He goes so fast, mate. He's an excellent writer. He's just unbelievable. It's like the topics that he writes on. It's just so huge, eh?
Yeah.
That we wrote from Little Things Big Things Grow, the tourio, or was that? Yeah, yeah, because I had a sort of bit of an idea and very boring chord progression, and I switched it from the mandolin to the banjo, and he got it on the guitar, and he had this concept of relationship thing between one on one. From this small thing, it's grown into something really big, and what happened with the song was it turned into a cultural love song, because I said, like, it's great. The chord progression's boring, but it'd be great to tell a story with.
That's what happened. I just told him that the thing that really sort of took us, or our interest was walking in on the camp one night. Mum just said, I was just listening to the ABC News there, and Gringey Mob just walked off Esty Station. We said, holy bloody hell, this is what?
This is 1966, like, they're going to bloody shoot them, or they're going to wind up with the bloody cuffs on, like, looking out through the pigeon hole. They're going to log them up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I told Paul about that, and he got interested, and all of a sudden we, you know, it happened, and it was on the back burner. Believe me, as Paul will tell you, it was just a filler. We just thought, okay, that's it.
So you didn't... I couldn't require it. You didn't think, oh, we'll be singing this, at Gough Whitlam's funeral one day. Oh, shit, no. No way.
And Ernie Dingo played the didger on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He happened to be around. Yeah, no. Because Ernie's coming up here in a few weeks' time.
But, yeah, that's what happened, is it was just virtually a filler, and I couldn't record it, because the old man passed away. So Gumudjai, I couldn't culturally say the name for two years.
Yeah. You know, my recording of it was just, it really wasn't a proper recording. It was just we were doing something for a bloody TV mob, and they just happened to flick the switch, and me and Paul and the Tiddas were singing it. Yeah, right. It was for TV. I've never actually done a proper recording of it. But, yeah, yeah, well, it wasn't...
Oh, I just felt so proud to be there with Nolly Pearson and the orchestra and that at that memorial for Gough, you know, because we really did think that, you know, he started off something for us mob. Did you see much of that as a young man up in the top of Australia? I mean, so the Lord Vestey idea of an aristocrat from overseas owning land, that was happening in the Gulf as well at some point too, with these, you know, families from London and Scotland were, you know, sight unseen owners of a cattle station. Oh, crikey, yeah. Right back with Dad and that, like Dad worked for Kidman.
Yeah. You know, and they had mass, they had heaps of stations, mainly where the good water was. Yep. And, you know, when they got rain, as you know, they'd move the cattle between the water holes and fatten them on the way down. It was the long paddock. Yeah. It was the long paddock. And boy, we got some of those Kimberley bloody bullocks, five-year-old bullocks, some of them like racehorses. Hey, big fellas, those short horns, they were all zebu, what they call them, Brahmin now. Yeah. Zebu. Them days they were short horns. Yeah. But they were bloody big buggers. Yeah.
And boy, you were all right while you were on a horse, but boy, you get off one foot and holy bloody hell, you were gone. In the round yard with them. You did right, my friend. You were right. Yep, I've spent some long days in the round yard and I didn't have a pole. I was just there with my hat going, shoo, shoo.
Get in there, you bastard. Or a lump of polythene, a lump of polythene, and you watch that big bull. You just watch him lift his head up with those big ears, the zebu mob. Yeah. Flick his bloody, flick his ears at you. He's watching you. And then he put his head down. Next thing you see, he's over here, bloody, like 30 bloody meters away or 20 meters away.
Yeah. You're watching and you're keeping the right, yeah, and you're keeping that rail real close. Yeah. You know, the rails of the yard. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've been there before. No, the Vestys had to hand back a whole heap of land in Venezuela, I think, about 15 years ago. They had to hand it back to Chavez. Yeah, yeah, well, the thing is, my friend, that they had the contract for the British Allied Forces in the war. And they supplied all the bloody meat and, like, they were paying a peppercorn for land, you know, right across the top of northern Australia and everywhere else.
Yeah. Like it was off the bloody planet and, you know, the conditions were atrocious. I mean, at least our family, we were a unit and Dad did the being Irish or, you know, being Irish descent, he did the negotiating for the job and we only had, all of us, we only had one bank account. Right. So that Uncle, you know, and my brother and myself and all of us, we all paid in. So if one fella had a job, you know, must rent, or Brandon, the other fella had a job, or Preston, or it all got paid into the one bloody account. Right. So that every bugger had a bit of something. Yeah.
But when you look at what Vestys, like... It's the same with the Vestys because all those kids are pulling out of the same account, aren't they?
Oh, shit, you were dead right. You were bloody dead right.
We should go and say, look, Mr Vesty, now I don't want to sort of point things out, but like I've just added it up on my calculator and you've had, it was 300 square miles. Yeah. And we're about to find that out and this is what you bloody owe us, mate. Yeah. Because the calculator would be waving a white flag. Yeah. You know, because the decimal point would be so bloody far to the right that it'd be off the calculator. Yeah.
Well, where does he live? He lives in England.
We should go over there. We should take Petita over there. Yeah, we'll go find him.
There's a famous book written by John Anderson. He's a former journalist up there with the Townsville Board and he wrote a book called, Bagman Millionaire. It's about a lot of those old families up in the Gulf, the Scrappers and a lot of the kind of Murray Stockman perhaps maybe did end up with a few beasts that belonged to Vesty and built an empire off them.
That was the thing you'd often come across. See, as you know, in the old days, the stock routes were called 10 chain line. There were 10 cricket pitches right, right? Yeah.
Way over in the bush there somewhere, you'd be riding along on a bloody horse. You'd find this dead beast, right? It had been there for five bloody months, but the hide would still be there and it'd be pulled around and that, but you'd find that it only had two legs. Yeah, yeah, because that's when the chainsaw come in. That's what they'd do. They'd run the bloody bullock out, cut the throat, down it'd go, okay. Then they'd get the chainsaw real quick and zoom it down the bloody centre after they gutted it. Take that heart and the bloody beast, that was their meat, and then just leave the hide and the thing and say, oh no, dingo, dingo. Pulled it round like that, that's why it only got two legs. Yeah, but they'd be pinching the bloody meat, mate.
Nowadays they just load them onto a truck in the middle of the night. Oh, Jesus, they're getting good, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah, we should have got a job in the stock squad because we could track, we could track, why didn't they give us black fellas a job in the stock squad, instead of putting those fellas from bloody Queen Street Brisbane in there? Queen Street farmers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
They're like the vesting mob, with no bloody clue which end of the bullock farted.
Now tell us with this new release, any other time outside of this virus you'd be maybe putting on a show or doing a bit of a tour? Or is that all over for you, mate?
Just about, I mean, my back's buggered from lumping bloody, you know, weak bags and that when I was a young fella. I've had three operations on me back, my friend. I love getting on stage and talking to people, but this whole celebrity business just gives me the bloody scowls.
I do pop up occasionally, like I did down at Tamworth. See, the first time I went to Tamworth, well, that was 40-odd years ago, with a motorbike and sidecar and a guitar and a little swag. I went down to Tamworth and they didn't like me because they said, first of all, I didn't have a permit. And secondly, they didn't like or understand what I was singing about. You needed a permit.
Yeah, yeah, this was years ago. This is back, yeah, on the street, I was busking. Oh, like you're driving again.
But I went out to Katinglin. I went out to Katinglin and played with these folk group mob and all that. And I went back this year because Paul was playing at it and Barnsey and them.
And they said, come down. And we stayed down there.
And, yeah, I got on stage for the first time at Tamworth. Yeah, right. Only for one song, one song. And then all of a sudden, I heard these people singing the chorus. I looked across the stage and here was Troy and there was Barnsey and there was Casey. Casey was there. They got their mic and they were singing the chorus. Right.
It went pretty good.
But, yeah, they didn't kick me off this second time, so I was right. You didn't need a permit either. I only did the one song. Paul did half it anyway, so I was all right.
You were just there for the scenery in Tamworth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right, that's right. That's the first thing you've got to do when you're going to play. Go and see the sound parlour. Have a good yarn to him. See what's going on.
They're always good blokes. Go and talk to the roadies, because without them, you haven't got a bloody clue on stage. They can make you look like it. One story we ran on Batuta is a small band's kind of setting up for one of their first gigs in the back of a pub, and the sound, he goes, tell you what, mate, it wasn't like this when I was on the road with Akadaka.
I don't know about this operation, mate. Oh, Jesus.
They're always pulling it, hey. They've always got a yarn. Always got a name to drop.
I look like this is another thing, too. I'm just thinking, oh, the wife's saying something there. She's doing this sort of thing. Oh, yeah, wrap it up. Oh, we could go on for ages, you know.
We'll have to come visit. We'll have to come visit Stanthorpe. We'll come say g'day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. As I said, we don't drink, but you fellas can have a bloody ton of fun here, mate.
Yeah, you'll be gobbling in need before you get to the third one. The third one. Just last, I'd say, they brought in phone reception to Windora about two years ago, so just the little town of Windora gets the 3G, and the pub lacuna was ropeable.
He thought he was going to lose all the business because people were going to stop coming to the pub to talk to each other. He thought, if they bring my glasses down, it was going to send him broke.
Yeah? Yeah, well, it would. It would. That's right.
Because that's where you go. You went to the pub to get your jobs and everything. Oh, sorry. I'm getting the wind-up. Yeah, to get your jobs, to know the gossip that was going on. And don't tell the bloody blokes they aren't gossips. Believe me.
You're walking in the pub, and some old fella, you're bloody hearing with them. Yeah, you'll lose your bloody hearing with them. They gossip like hell.
Well, thank you for joining us. Thanks, Kev. Thanks for joining us today. It's been a great yarn, and good luck with the new release, hey? Yep. Yeah, yeah, well, look, thanks so much to you fellas. No worries. We need you blokes. Yep, thank you. Thank you, Vinny. |
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