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cracked | the_ridiculous_reality_of_life_in_space_starship_icarus_episode_1 | I feel like Satan is licking my eyes! Satan?
Boy, you have been out a long time. Hope you're not rotted. Can that happen? Hello, Beep Hartley. It is Exploration Research Federation policy that I inform you that our ship's AI has determined that your skillset is now worth the resources required to keep you alive. Or, you have been frozen for the maximum span allowable by law and you are due for a defrost. My name is Ava from Human Resources.
Welcome aboard the Starship Icarus. Black System. Your ship starts in four minutes. In the distant future, the Starship Icarus is dispatched to seek out strange new life and adventure. This is the story of the low-level support crew who maintained it. So, first time in deep space?
That was a joke, right? Brought it? Deep Rasties. You've been out so long you don't understand social mores or cultural references. You're like Glormax in that one episode of The Files. Oh, sorry. You probably haven't felt that one yet. That was a joke, right?
Rotted? Look, all you need to know is instead of swearing, we now use the names of extinct Earth species. Like you'd say, what the panda? Or bullshit? Or what up, dog?
You'll be fine. This has been your orientation. Uh, excuse me. Hey, there's a... There's...
The Academy Hallows don't have a single ERF vessel that big.
Ten minutes into the first cycle and we've already got our first lesson.
Always get a lid. For your coffee.
Sir! We're currently under attack! Thanks for the set rep number 2481. You're doing a good job. Are we gonna die, sir? Trust me, that stuff out there is nothing for us to worry about. That is Command's problem.
Man, your battle stations. Oh, we get battle stations? Everyone, find your center, okay? We don't have battle stations.
You're only hearing those announcements because IT still hasn't reset the full TPA's. Well, I did just wake up from my chrysalis like three standard hours ago and I'm pretty sure we're all gonna die, so I figured, what's the point? We are not about to die. What we are about to do is be very busy. Since the ship that we are being paid to maintain is getting whomped by photon torpedoes.
There you go. I'm your supervisor. Penis bot 5000 Jensen. You can call me PJ. You are the worst looking robot I have ever seen. Thank you. No, I'm not a robot. I'm named after my grandfather, an insemination droid. Now that we are intimately familiar, everyone please, to your desk.
Forget the picture thing. It's fine. Didn't like it. I'm over it.
I need my hardware guy. Hartley? Yeah, that's me.
Don't worry. They never aim at us. That'd be like buying silver bullets to shoot a werewolf in the tail. He doesn't need the tail.
But if the whole- But work orders are gonna come pouring in any second and I need you in the game. Anytime there is damage to the ship, the consoles on the bridge blow up right in the crew's faces. Sparks flying. It's a pretty big design flaw.
So ping screen fabrication and orders- New ones. Maybe update your life insurance beneficiaries with Ava while you're at it.
And it's less than three. Bieber fan for Ava. Less than three, right?
Am I pronouncing that correctly? Yeah, but- Okay.
I'll never remember that.
But I see this is your third hypership tour. You've probably run into this. Recently, the ship's AI became somewhat sentient. It gets very upset if these battles go sideways or in any kind of crisis or if we fly too fast. As a result, we have to hard reset the AI every so often.
It screams. Will that bother you? What kind of screams? Human? No.
So by process of elimination, you must be Captain Lawrence. Aren't you on the wrong deck, Captain? It's just my name, sir. My parents wanted great things from me. What? That you'd become Captain, Captain Lawrence? My middle name is also Captain, sir. Well, Captain, my Captain, you have the most important job of all.
Sir, I happily volunteer to clean up any debris on the exterior of the ship. I have space walk train- I'm not talking debris. In turn, I'm talking waste. Crystal recyclers have already started to back up.
There hasn't been a shield impact in a while. Earth!
You have been afflicted for termination by the all-knowing super-intelligence Jihul. In Jihul's unfathomable wisdom, you have been judged unworthy. Your ship will be obliterated as an act of mercy. You have succeeded to contemplate your wretchedness.
That is not merely enough time. They commandeered the monitor. Brody, can we fix that? I'm on my break, sir.
Should we be running away to an escape pod? An escape pod that could take millions of miles back to Earth? It took an Earth flagship the size of a city just to get us here. An escape pod would have to be like a whole other ship.
So, do we have one of those? Oh, Captain.
No, no, no. I quit! I quit! I resigned my thing or whatever.
Thirty seconds! Look, if it's an unfathomable intelligence, who are we to argue? This is Commander Luther Spacefire of the ERF Icarus. Jihul, you have judged us unworthy for survival, but there is a goodness that burns like the sun in the heart of our people.
I offer myself as a sacrifice. Spare my crew. At least the bridge crew. If you want, you can choose a support deck.
Work orders streamed to your desks. I'll be in my office.
How is everyone in my favorite Sector J sub deck doing? Yeah! Great! Woo!
I feel just like Glormex in the episode of The Files. Oh, come on, man. Spoilers! While they're driving D Frosties. While I'm here, can I collect everyone's urine samples?
Thank you. I lost mine.
What's that smell? Oh, flamingos! How embarrassing! Oh!
My time has shined! Or be physical discomfort. I won't kill you. But you gotta get such a zet! |
SaturdayNightLive | truck_stop_cd_snl | Truck stops have the wildest stuff. yeah, like, my other car is a gun. And who are the weirdos still buying Cds? Well, truckers, that's who. Oh, very cool. Yeah, this one right here is a collection of hits by my favorite truck driving crooner, Johnny Goblin. Yeah, I'm talking about truck You, you trucking truck. 42 songs all about trucking. great. you mind if we just scoop past you? Songs include fender-bending hits like Trucker's line.
I'm peeing in a bottle and I'm peeing in a thermos and I'm peeing in a cup and I'm peeing in a bucket and I'm peeing in a diaper and I'm peeing in the window. the wind blows it back in my face. Whoo, been there, done that. Get your hanky handy for this heart-wrenching duet between trucker and Trucker's wife. featuring Darlene Cuisine, don't go forgettin'.' gotta go back down on the road. I'm gonna miss you till I get home. And I'm asking you to remember. you always gotta remember. don't go forgettin'. Which cup is your drink and which cup is full of piss? are all these songs about peeing? well, not all. but many of them, yes. big part of the lifestyle. mmm. okay, what was that?
Ooh, why, that would be the dreaded Ghost Trucker featuring little picky Dickens. Ghost Trucker! No one can see him on the road, Ghost Trucker! When the fog came rolling in, and his hog came rolling out, reaching down his pants, he starts to touch himself. with the same hand he used to eat, flaming hot cheetos, people say his screams still echo to his stay. Ghost Trucker!
Ah! old children's classic. Blow that? I see a little boy on an ipad in a minivan next to mine. he singles for me to blow my horn and I happily oblige. a smile comes across his face, I'm so happy I could make his day. And the car in front of me gets startled as hell and they veer off into a ditch. Ooh, yes!
I'm trucking along the highway, a hitchhiker on the side of the road. a mustachio man helps him in the cab. and he's only five feet tall. something about him looks so familiar. then suddenly, I recall, his name's El Chapo. El Chapo. Oh, god, I think I helped El Chapo. he definitely helped El Chapo. I'm El Chapo and this is a certified bump. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_space_olympics | Leave it yourself. Every single Galactic athlete needs a coded I.d. badge. Drug tests are mandatory.
You're a winner. The athlete's village, his arms are gone. You all get a junior suite.
We don't cover incidentals, so keep your ass off the baby. Bar this in the world. Brace yourself because there's no remedy by every nation. You'll only get one meal a day. There was a beer of a budget snafu and food funding is insufficient. We can't really enforce a curfew as there is no light or sound.
Just one of the many problems with hosting a sporting event is phased attention all athletes. There are minor scheduling adjustments. Space Disc is totally cancelled, Space Swords is totally cancelled, Space Luge is also cancelled and all opening. Welcome to your Space Olympics.
All the oxygen has run out and someone who will not be nearly himself destruct. As you file to your escape pods, I'll distract the alien points and as I stare death in the face, I know my sins will take me to hell. And there ain't no woman that can take you. Use my mind. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_218_Dane_Simpson | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overell, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show on Desert Rock FM, whether you're listening on the podcast or the wireless, we appreciate you as a listener, as a part of our loyal audience here in the Diamantina Shire and surrounds, you're joined by myself Clancy Overell, editor of the Batooter Advocate and Errol Parker, editor at large, how's things Errol?
Not too bad mate, no it's good that the rains have finally come to the Diamantina Shire and we get an opportunity to really enjoy what the people of Sydney have been enjoying and hogging for so long. The La Ninas, yeah we spoke about that last week on the podcast, we had a meteorologist on and everyone was surprised, audience and the hosts, that we could talk about the weather for over half an hour and it was very interesting but you know this is all part of what we're doing now post election, we're kind of casting a wider net because we know that there's more to this country than the extremely incompetent politicians that we've had to listen to non-stop for a six-week campaign earlier this year so we're kind of you know we're pushing the boat out, interviewed a few rock stars as you might have heard, interviewed a whole range of people, we had Maine and Shari on here the other day, actors and directors and writers and today we are delving into comedy. We've had comedians on here before but today we're going on top to bottom with someone who's from a town not too different to Batooter if I'm honest, he's from Wagga, I've heard him described as the king of Wagga and you know what he's actually so Wagga that he says Wagga Wagga, he shows the respect. It's a town so nice they named it twice. Yeah it is, similar to New York New York. Thank you for joining us today Dane Simpson. Thank you for having me, all the way from Wagga Wagga. You know where it comes from is it derives from a Wiradjuri word and the black fellas there they say Wagga Wagga and what they used to say is Wagga was a bastardized version of Wagan which is a means crow in Wiradjuri language and to say it twice is to pluralize place of many crows. But Uncle Stan Grant has been saying for years that it's not a bastardized version of Wagan at all, Wagga Wagga is the place of celebration it's to celebrate so to be dancing intoxicated with the spirits okay is what he says and what was really funny that they did like a little yarn about it in the local paper maybe three or four years ago and somebody on their Facebook page just said Uncle Stan Grant can't just come in and change tradition. Yeah it's been place of many crows for 40 years now. Uncle Stan is Wiradjuri elder he put together the Wiradjuri dictionary and various versions so he's well versed in I reckon the language. Yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna go with his version even if some people do accuse him of changing history. So they're all there they're all down that way actually the that's the Riverina the Grants and the Goolagongs. And you know I've been downtown Wagga Wagga and dancing intoxicated with the spirits is exactly a good description of what would be.
It's a long Main Street that's for sure. I think it's the longest day in New South Wales.
What's that one with the mirrors in it? Nightclub with the mirrors in it?
Romanas. Oh yeah. Oh right. That's changed now but that's very I remember that. That's so fun.
You don't want that do you? No no no because you think you're in a much bigger venue than we are. It's very disorientating. Like imagine if there was a fire I mean like you'd just be running into mirrors like you're a pigeon going into a bloody bus window you know.
Why is this cook guy stopping me from running out of the building? Let me out! Why is my exact doppelganger blocking me during this emergency evacuation?
I want to ask is that a funny town in your perspective? Obviously it's created you and launched you into a career of being funny but when you really think about Wagga and people don't spend enough time thinking about it because it's one of those you have some big towns around you know northern Victoria and southern New South Wales, Orbury, Wodonga, Shepparton. But Wagga is big and and they've got everything going on there they've got all kinds of different nationalities they've got the army yep and it's also on that Ron Barassi line where you've got it's the only town in Australia where it's split three ways between Rugby League, Union and AFL.
Yeah and and like not just the army all the defence forces. Yeah right. So they've got the RAAF base there and for some strange reason the Navy which is we're four hours inland. Oh it's a big river the ditch. Yeah well when they put that submarine in it became a very small river. What's the go there?
Do you have that same kind of thing with the locals and the defence personnel that they do in Townsville where it's kind of like the AJs they call them up north that the army jerks or usually you know we'll see you you go and do your basic training in Wagga at Kapuka. Yeah and then once you get to Townsville you're enlisted so you're a full-blown soldier. Yeah so a bit more bright-eyed in Wagga but by the time I get to Townsville they've got that sleeve tattoo. In Wagga the AJs get flogged and in Townsville the AJs do the flogging. Yeah okay a bit bigger a bit bigger in Townsville. I think they're tougher in Wagga too like the townspeople.
Yeah yeah. They won't stand for it whereas Townsville. North Queensland is notoriously soft you're right. Yeah yeah you know them fellas. Yeah they're just a bit yeah they're cats really up north yeah.
Some fighting words there's some people listening in today that are gonna be burring up especially after origin of all days a day after origin. My back hurts from cutting cane. I love it anti-North Queensland rhetoric you don't hear enough of it. It's the cane toads make them weak. Yeah oh oh yeah sorry to the family up there. Now tell me a little bit about growing up in Wagga and how that launched you. Yeah well I grew up in Wagga Wagga moved there when I was about five my mob's from Walgett out back New South Wales I was born in Bundaberg that's why I'm a Queensland supporter okay last night yeah it's a good honor that's a good claim that's a good enough reason I mean a lot of Koori football fans just jumped over anyway during the GI era because absolutely and and the circumstances are flimsy at best like nah they've got more black fellas but New South Wales won't pick any black fellas and you're like yeah but we're winners like at the end of the day yeah yeah it's yeah there's like a lot of reasons at the end of the day you kind of want to support it's like someone who's got a grandparent who's from New Zealand it's like yeah I'm an all blacks fan yeah like I get it yeah they've won 89% of the last matches I can understand why you are finding a very very weak link to that island nation over there but uh Bundy was that your family working up that that's my mum's mum's mob and then yeah dad's family's from Walgett and then we moved to Walgett I was around five years old but I've still got that in me you know and we still carry we used to go back to Walgett to go and visit dad and every school holidays and stuff and they've got that ingrained yarn yeah you know like when you go back home that's all you do like this you just sit around home at the pub around dinner and spin yarns what happened oh I should have seen the old your cousin there last week and spun the yarn possibly a dozen times within the space of an hour it's the same same story it's just a new person to come along at the pub it's and so we've just carried that along when I uh as I was growing up in Wagga I think we just transferred those skills straight to Wagga and we've just been like telling yarns being silly even today still do it we're just at the pub last week with dad and dad was uh having a go at me because I include my dad a lot in a lot of the stories and he's like yeah you won't laugh at me when I'm dead will you like what a full-on but that's his gun too like he loves talking about him dying because he knows he gets a reaction and uh and you're like the more you say that the more I will that's right I was like literally saying that's really funny you would say this because I'll think about this moment I'll probably have a little chuckle at you and I was like also you don't know like I could die it's a it's a good way though it's like a napalm to kind of end the heckle too yeah yeah from your son boom yeah yeah I will die let's get morbid you know I can't really wind him up too much yeah I used to say the same thing to my old man yeah yeah like you know there's every chance you'll outlive me so you might as well be nice to me well that's that's where I was going with I'm like yeah well how about I might die tomorrow so I should be able to use the ducks you don't know and it got all it got all real like philosophical in a way just in his eyes though because he can't verbally do it yeah and he just said oh no you know his father should ever do that but I'll tell you what if you did die before I would visit you every day and I was like that's lovely and he's like yeah I'd bury you at the pub though of course but it's a gag like he's always looking for a yarn a laugh and it's so silly and so much fun and that's that's even last week so we're just it's these silly things that are always happening in my life so growing up in Wagga it was really fun going to high schools and stuff but traveling back to Walgett during the school holidays and hanging out with friend like you know that's when you make your real friends yeah yeah so all all them boys and hanging out with them guys during the school holidays and stuff yeah it was really fun for me and then yeah having friends in Wagga and then yeah I became a I was a DJ really early so that's sort of how I got into it because I loved emceeing like hosting weddings and stuff it's real cash real cash things too not like mad not like Skrillex behind the yeah yeah a wedding quite literally one time a guy come up to me I can't tell you how serious I am on this and he just goes what acdc have you got and I was like oh because back in the day obviously I'm using cds yeah you know we don't have access to laptops and stuff and I'm like oh I think because acdc didn't release like a greatest hits album I don't know if they still have all right yeah yeah probably still they're still chugging along right yeah and I had their live album and I was like I've got their live album what would you like from it and he goes just play that like just put it on and so I put it on it played all the way through what it would have been like 80 minutes tops and then I love like cheering at a wedding he's asked for it and then and then afterwards I played like guns and roses I think I came in and then and like coming in hot too and then he came back during the guns and roses song and just went what other acdc have you got and I'm like that's it man I'm just that's their greatest hits live album and he's like put it on again oh man he knows what he wants it's his wedding too you know who am I oh yeah it also sounds like the type of guy you can't really lie to because he knows acdc so well like you can put on generic rock from that era and he'd know you're lying to him was that his own wedding that's the kind of detail that it was yeah and then so a bit of grease mega mix grease absolutely yeah um that's my bread and butter right there and then uh I bought all the equipment so I own all the sound the mics and all that type of stuff and buying good I feel like in Wagga you need to be more elite like I find when I come to major cities like Sydney and Melbourne and all that type of stuff people buy like just off brand and I'm like this is not good you got all the gear like sure yeah Yamaha that type of like those brands and then yeah I was doing my own like djing slash hosting shows and all that type of stuff and then how comedy kicked in kev krapiny came to town um another comedian absolutely brilliant he's a south Australian boy from uh Ralkin yeah medical center paid him to come to Wagga Aboriginal Medical Center paid him put on this big show they hired me to do all the sounding and stuff and then after the show kev's like I'm going on a tour in outback new south wales I need someone to tech it for me I need all this equipment I don't know the places but there's like I'm talking outback bar like I think I'm going to a town called Walgett and I'm like that's crazy like what a that's just everything slumped off million it like everything's combined into that that's my history growing up and then I can be your chauffeur yeah it's just so easy was that it was that so you were just working full time doing weddings and events and then what is events but I also I worked for the uh worked for the state government I was a social worker yeah right so I became um I started off as like picking people up in the bus yeah I feel like all black fellas do this but they pick people up on the bus and take them to their medical appointments yeah and then I became the coordinator of that for home care and then the state government were looking for the case managers so social workers and then I moved over to that tried my hand at it for six months but the position just kept getting extended and extended and I was there for 13 years yeah right and then you reckon it just happened once like you're just on tour you put a mic in your hand or Kev came to town picked me up we were gonna go and I was teching for him but in the car we're spinning yards yeah yeah you know like we're just telling stories being silly and Kev's like dude that's funny you should you should tell that story before I do my show tonight and I was like absolutely like that's mad we're in Narrabri yeah um and I was like yeah absolutely this is fine brah like this would be really sick and then I got side of stage and I'm like nah cuz I'm not doing this um and he physically pushed me out on stage like like he goes oh that's a shame and then just pushed me I must have went like three meters but it felt like I just ran forever fell into the ocean out of breath yeah crazy and he back announced me too so I couldn't dog out of it yeah and now yeah and it's his first time ladies and gentlemen give him the love that he deserves it's his first time on stage Dane Simpson and then I was because I know I've got mob out that way too so I can't just run off like that's that's even more shame yeah I told the joke and it got a laugh and I went into more more material and delivery would have been absolutely horrible but the the joke's funny you know like the yards have been practiced yeah yeah told him forever yeah so yeah and then uh that was it the next time for that rest of that tour I was I was opening act for a quick little five minutes yeah yeah right love for that like what an absolute ledge and I rang him later because Wagga doesn't have open mics we don't have yeah nothing no comedy only comedy that would have come to Wagga would be like Carl Barron yeah yeah yeah Carl I think practices his material genuinely for in Wagga yeah before he hits the major city you're the first draft because he's there for a week yeah and I was back then I was like oh well back then I still do I um do a little bit of ushering and stuff just to just to go and watch and I watched his week of comedy and he's switching it up and I'm like oh this is your open mic cousin yeah you're charging 80 bucks a ticket for an open mic yeah and so we don't have any of that we don't have open mics we don't have I can't no sand pits so I sort of tried to create one I don't know what I'm doing I've never been to a comedy club before and then I did Deadly Funny with the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and got involved in that and that's never really looked back since I won the state final in Sydney over at Redfern and then lost the major one well second is pretty close to first that's second is I think I came last oh yeah I didn't even get a mention and you know like I love that I in hindsight like it's fantastic for me because I wanted to I thought I'd clocked it I thought I'd finish this this is it I know I'll go back to my job now yeah because I had a career going with the state government it's fine but yeah no I loved that I lost because it made me it inspired me I'm like oh how do I how do I smash this comedy is a terrifying thing it sounds like to get into because what you'll really want to do is take your knocks early yeah and learn all these things quickly and fast and you know yeah have those horror moments at the start and then no one remembers them by the time you've got a bit of heat behind you I would be very interested to see the stats of people who stay with comedy after they learn those lessons because those lessons crush you more when you're younger like it's a it's I mean I can only think of I don't know how you guys do it sometimes people walk out and they're just a bit off that night and the crowd's a bit off and you can do 30 minutes to complete silence absolute like I'm talking 2015 so it's not even that long ago for me when Kev took me out yeah on this weird regional tour but it's been a roller coaster since yeah and he even Kev was like oh man like 10 years you're going to be on the telly you're going to be big nakas five and it took me three yeah and then that's when you start getting what the acting gigs are we talking gala of appearances what are you yeah so that and that's even more crazy yarn so that they were giving me a bit of heat at work because I was skipping work not skipping work I was taking leave yeah but I had a lot of leave built because I don't I didn't go anywhere yeah I took sickies if I was going to do anything yeah on a Friday and then go for the weekend so I had so much leave and I was just going on these tours with Kev Kev did the aboriginal comedy all-stars tour around the country 76 gigs I jumped on board on that that's my first gigs yeah that's me ever first ever gig that's crazy baptismal going on an Australian tour yeah well how would you get a start now if you wanted to be comedian in Wagga Wagga um I started a comedy club there yeah so we do a monthly gig yeah the riverina comedy club and we tour it around we try to be a little bit around the riverina yeah so that Wagga Wagga's the base obviously it's where I live and it's where I can promote it really well but we try and get out to places like Kuta Tamora yeah hey yeah tomorrow I said and um no there we go hey hey how to bow ronald lovely part of the world out there uh I've never been to bow ronald but I've been out to bow ronald but right the riverina extends a little bit like it's it's a much bigger than I think because sometimes you get some people on the snowy mountains who will kind of call themselves river like jim it and shit like it goes down the Murray River it's the biggest one in the country yeah I know but not the entire Murray River is the riverina it's it's funny when people decide now I'm from the mountains or now I'm a snowy mountains boy or like sort of southern slopes yeah so you bounced that around bounced around doing the aboriginal comedy all-stars to uh yeah and then came back red hot like keen as mustard my work was not happy and taken you know six months of the year trying to take six months of the year off um and they were like pick between each whichever you're gonna do I made my choice five to five on a Friday typical government worker just to just be like nah I've had enough uh sent an email out and I'm like I'm not coming back this is it I'm putting in my two weeks notice but I'm in my brain I'm never coming back again I'll just take two weeks leave and I'll just this is it yeah freaked out about it five to five on a Friday that sounds fucking impulsive I'm not coming back again very impulsive it was a hundred percent I too I was 35 and I'm like I should talk to an adult about this yeah I've acted very childish and yeah nah sent it out I sent it to everyone too like jerry mcguire style never yeah I'm taking the goldfish yeah yeah yeah and the last one the premier all the way up to my bed tagged them all in obama I'm leaving Michael I'm leaving here's my two weeks and here's my manifesto on how we should manage athletes I drove to my mum's house I think mainly to break it to her that I've done something dumb and as I pulled into a driveway the Melbourne International Comedy Festival gala rang me and just as if they were tagged in yeah like they were like oh we need to help this guy he's finally got the time we've seen your email and what are they what are they saying they wanted me to do the gala right yeah and and back then doing the gala it was sort of like one of those things where all right well this is it this is the pinnacle this is the biggest gig in the country as soon as you do the gala you sell out your gigs this is like insane so I'll be fine I told my mum exactly those words did the gala and did a great spot too like I'm still proud of that I still watch it on telly going yeah no I'm proud of that it's a really cool spot to have didn't sell that gig though yeah also to this day I think I've talked I've done four of them yeah I've talked to other comedians and they're like it'd be great to get on the gala one day I'm like yeah I've done four mates yeah yeah it's like it helps you become a household name but it doesn't really translate to it doesn't yeah and not a lot of people like I've been stopped a very few times yeah yeah and I even I set my wife up in Wagga for people to stop me and go oh my god are you Dane Simpson and it's the funny gag and then she figured it out one of the boys got drunk at the pub and spilled the beans and I was like damn it we went to Sydney and this lady stopped me and she we're walking across the road so like on traffic lights and then this lady was like oh my god um Dane Simpson I've seen you on the on the telly I love your work blower and my wife quite literally told her to fuck off yeah she thought it was a snitch and I was like no no that's proper and she's like nah there's no way I just told a random person to fuck off and I was like no you didn't she was a comedy fan now she's worried about his very protective water if she's from Sydney though she's probably used to it ah fuck off you're also mean to me tell us then you're kind of you launch from there into as we said you've reached the pinnacle four times with the gala bit of acting yeah bit of you know cult classic footy cult classic The Merger oh what an incredible experience yeah it was a good movie that one and it was actually it was one of those plays that was just everyone loves so much yeah that they had to make it into a movie 100% anyway and and Damian Callan is like genius it's just brilliant everything he does the first time I ever seen him he did a went on stage and did a character where he was part of a duo and the other guy didn't turn up and so he had to go out and still perform the routine so he wrote a character that broke the fourth wall in that he was unprepared for his set yeah and but that was the character that was the genius of it is that he did either the punchlines and you already knew the setup because that was so obvious or he did the setups and you knew what the punchlines were but he was like waiting for somebody else to to say it was so funny it's just brilliant a lot of what a genius and who thinks of that like yeah that this this incredible man and and being a part of that they filmed that not far out of Wagga Wagga so I was lucky enough to yeah I'll skip and work to go and watch that and be involved in that no wonder like I probably quit because they were going to sack me it's a good life as a public servant yeah oh yeah he was saying goodbye to a lot of super and a lot of window it would have taken a lot of courage to leave the trough it's like genuinely you would think like in people's brains it's what comedians do is nothing yeah it's just a fuck all sit around nothing and what government workers do are god's work yeah yeah yeah they are helping because I work with young people with intellectual disabilities quite brain injuries that type of stuff and people think oh wow this is incredible nah nah you sit at a in front of a computer and you tap keys if the boss is there yeah yeah yeah yeah it's uh it's a public service but comedian you find that's harder you reckon that's why shoulder the wheel yeah yeah you might get up later but you work to the stupid hours in the morning yeah what you do is your outcomes you know so what you put in is there's nobody walking around just going oh yeah got some gigs today why oh slept in yeah somebody rang me just went let's go and do this yeah you're constantly hustling and doing stuff and at the pub and that's a funny it is a funny one though that it's one of those industries where your social life and your and your work are one yeah especially on the road right you love that green rooms on the piss out back we'll have a drink afterwards huh yeah like you've just done it's 10 o'clock everyone's going home we'll get a drink now we've just finished working you know that's and that's the that's the genius of going home at three in the morning but not waking up wrecked yeah yeah because he started beers at 10 o'clock that and now so tell me I want to talk about edinburgh oh no so you're going over there the Fringe Festival yeah we can talk about the Fringe Festival and everything that represents in a comedian's career but tell me how do you feel like this localized I guess Wagga right we can hear you're talking about Wagga and I'm sure you've got all different kind of audiences you've got a lot of rural audiences I'm sure you've got a lot of like kind of kuri audiences and you could take that to different communities all around Australia the country town thing we get it you can kind of transplant a lot of those gags right the pub the old man the jokes how do you think you're going to go in with the european audiences yeah right and I think this is the year while we've sort of decided to do it so I wrote a show called didgeridoozy yeah it was it was getting a lot of heat down there down at the melbourne comedy festival yeah adelaide fringe yeah won the won the award yeah best comedy in the world or something yeah it was it was crazy so and I feel like that's that's my little ticket in so as soon as I wrote the show my wife has been handed me to write the show for a while and obviously the last couple of years has been shit so we're sort of coming back and I was meant to do it and then go to Perth yep and I didn't do it and Perth got cancelled so she's like you dodged a bullet there mate but write the show I go to I go to Adelaide Adelaide's coming up and she's handed me I wrote the show on the plane heading to Adelaide I've obviously done the jokes like you know on on open mics and all that type of jazz so I wrote the show going to Adelaide on the plane I went to the venue two hours early and walked there was a grassed area I swear I walked a little donut into that grass like just just running around saying it in my hand and getting it ready we had a preview that night and then the next night we did the actual show and that's when I won the award and I rang my wife just to go hey I've won the award how cool and she's just like fuck you like you you don't learn lessons you just get rewarded for your shit he wrote it on the plane um but it's fun I think it's fun it's a fun show it's got a lot to do I learned how to play didgeridoo when I was a kid it's really fascinating too when I travel around the country doing comedy but also just roaming around you see people playing the ditch I've seen people playing didgeridoo overseas and you talk to them they've all got yarns they've all got these really cool stories and I love these stories that they're passionate they're always and if they're not funny they're entertaining and yeah so I felt like I'll collect all these yarns I'll put them into the show and then I'll if they're not they're entertaining I'll put in all the funny bits even a few of the like one of the elders down in nirandra and he taught me how to make a didgeridoo so I thought I'd whack in some stories about that he's an interesting character as well so I'll tell some stories about that and like it just became that so I feel like once we did the show here I'm like oh it's more it's not necessarily about didgeridoo but it's like there is a lot of didgeridoo in it I play didge those types of things we learn about like how to play a didge and all that and why would you play didgeridoo but there's like little black follow stories that of me growing up and who I am and I know there's nothing I can do that'll ever get away from that that's just who I am it's just I'm always going to spinning yarn it's always just going to have that flavor in it because but that's also a good thing about fringe right the edinburgh fringe it's like it's not like you're just doing pubs in scotland right you know you've got an international audience people probably want to see something from Australia something different something unique yeah it's art really so it is these rural yarns it is these country stories yeah but it's hidden under a didgeridoo sort of cursor like a curtain so yeah so people are going to I'm hoping is what they'll come in and there's going to be a lot of people that want to see an aboriginal man play didgeridoo for the first time in their life too yeah that's exactly it and then and then you get these um get these stories and I'll slowly figure it out you know like I was talking to Daniel Connell about changing like yarns and he's like nah the americans don't like the americans just go and you you're expected to know that there's five burrows in New York City and all that type of stuff like we've got to learn that we don't know that we don't grow up with that type of stuff and so he's like they'll learn you like you'll be fine but there is little things that you need to change so Daniel Connell does does a lot of bits where he's talking about like you know this gives me the shits yeah but in edinburgh that means that gave me diarrhea you know that makes me angry yeah so that's very different yeah yeah like they don't have both versions in their vernacular yeah so and they won't learn it you know like that's yeah that's just gave me diarrhea the other day guys on his lawn too early in the morning well that'd be an interesting one for you mate I um I look forward to hearing how you go over there yeah I'm super keen I'm not necessarily doing like my show every night and all that kind of stuff I'm just going to head over check it out we'll find some places where I can do like an hour show and and do it that way instead of me I don't want to go over and just hand out flyers all day yeah um which is what I found edinburgh to be about you know like a lot of comedians head over they're trying to make money they're trying to not yeah and that's the thing we also we were talking about this before him but no one makes money there it's more of a career it's a cv thing yeah really yeah yeah so I'm and I'm only doing two weeks which is apparently weird like people go over and spend the month and I'm like who has that kind of money like doing a month in melbourne for the melbourne coming visit to a month in edinburgh just bouncing between the coldest fucking cities in the world month by month I don't know if anyone's looked at the accommodation in melbourne these days it is expensive yeah yeah I mean you'll probably have better luck in edinburgh in the middle of their french festival I reckon yeah sydney or australian rentals no well karl baron would be there for the whole month so maybe you can room with him yeah buzzard he should be can I hit the sunday 80 bucks a seat I'll go three nights in a row he'll be fine can you show me a bed for a month in your living room oh that'll be good stuff well you know I hope to see you in some more uh tv and film yeah we've got some zombie movies coming up okay some other movies that are on the horizon which is pretty cool yeah what a crazy world waga waga right and then now I'm in a movies I would never even dream of going to all these all these yeah all these directors read that email you sent me five to five they're like jesus guys uh he's reliable this guy is sharp and he's available now so let's get him into this movie well thanks for joining us today dane it's um a hell of a yarn a great insight into waga to the world yeah it's crazy thank you this is awesome |
cracked | why_were_the_90s_so_mean_to_andie_macdowell_groundhog_day_multiplicity_michael | Hello Internet! My name is Daniel, Hot Talk Whisperer O'Brien, and welcome to another salty episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the only show on the internet that probably regrets mandating between three and four new couch gags in every episode's intro. Today's... Purple episode explores. Devotees will recall that I no longer have a boss ever since Cracked's former editor-in-chief, Jack O'Brien, stepped down to focus on, quote, pursuing the real killer or killers, end quote, blah blah blah, whatever that means. Obviously, I'm thriving with a lack of oversight, which is why I'm dedicating an entire episode to the couldn't be more timely mystery of why the 90s abused Annie McDowell so much. To wit!
Annie McDowell was all over the 90s romantic comedy scene. She was your go-to choice when you needed a sweet, vaguely country gal with an infectious smile. And maybe it was that welcoming smile, or maybe it was that charming southern accent that subconsciously planted the idea in our minds that she was gullible, which was a common movie trope, because, man, she spent a bunch of the 90s getting tricked by magic people. 1993!
In Groundhog Day, Bill Murray's Phil Connors relives the same day over and over and over again, stuck in a small Pennsylvania town, covering the weather with his new producer, Sweet Andy. He uses his newfound immortality to, among many things, gradually learn everything there is to know about Annie McDowell, which he then uses to establish a deep connection that must seem like straight up fate to her, because in her reality, they've only known each other for two days. Throughout the film, he uses this tactic to trick lots of women into sleeping with him. I do think the movie wants us to know that he wasn't just interested in sleeping with Annie McDowell and actually was in love with her, and I like to play by the movie's rules and believe that true love did, in fact, win the day. But it's still definitely sleazy, because while Phil does tell Andy about his powers in one of his magic days, he does it in the timeline where they actually end up together and we finally get to move forward in time, so she'll go through the rest of her life with one story. When we first met, I thought he was an asshole, but then we had this amazing day together and it felt like we'd known each other forever and there was such an instant deep connection unlike anything I'd ever experienced, and he'll go through his life with another story. I wasn't an asshole when we first met, and then again, for like 600 more days straight, and then after I'd slept with like 90% of women in Punxsutawney between 18 and 84, I spent, I don't know, 10,000 hours learning how to be the best at loving Annie McDowell and also piano.
It's never made explicit in the movie, but I almost definitely sexually assaulted her at some point, right? You'd assume so if I killed myself multiple times and stole a groundhog and knowingly let people die. Surely, you'd have to conclude that I at least once forced myself on Annie McDowell and forgot sick of her rebuking my advances. Reusing my time powers to rape is still just extra steps rape, right? No reason to assume I wouldn't occasionally downgrade to regular rape. I'm clearly at rock bottom in the midpoint of this movie. Hard to think about, but it probably happened. Two different stories, and she will never, ever truly know what kind of person he is because she's missed years and years of his life because of magic.
And that's not even the weirdest part of Groundhog Day, let's talk about Phil's body count. It isn't? Oh, it's, we should do a Groundhog Day episode. Oh, that's right.
1996, multiplicity is another 90s movie with Annie McDowell as a cheerful and sweet and amazing woman. In this one, she's married to Michael Keaton in the role of a lifetime as four Michael Keaton's. See, in that movie, Michael Keaton's character doesn't have enough time to do his job, love his wife, raise his kids, and make time for himself.
So instead of talking to his wife, he clones himself twice so he can be in multiple places at once. And then one of the clones makes a copy of a copy so there ends up being four Michael Keaton's running around and this is my favorite movie of all time. By the end of the movie, he decides not quite that he'd rather live every minute of his life and not miss a moment, but rather that keeping three clones a secret is even more stressful than having a job and a family and trying to find time to golf or whatever. So he sends his clones away and spends more time with his wife. Of course, though, he never tells Annie McDowell that he cloned himself and then sent the clones away or that over the last few months, she could have been talking to any one of his clones instead of him and she'll never know which one and in fact, he never tells her that all three of his clones had one at a time sex with her in the same night. And to be clear, the movie makes it clear that once cloned, the clones sort of develop their own personality.
So they're definitely not OG Michael Keats anymore. So Annie McDowell is essentially having sex with three convincing facsimiles under the false pretext of them being her actual husband and she'll never find out. Keaton just quietly learns a lesson and is like, Annie McDowell, things are different. No, don't question anything that's been happening for the last several months.
I'm better. And she's like, all right, in a soothing South Carolina accent.
There's also a 1999 movie I've never heard of called Just the Ticket starring Andes, both McDowell and Garcia as a couple. And Garcia is a ticket scalper and McDowell hates it.
So she leaves him and then he wins her back by doing a series of cons involving dressing up like a nun to score tickets to see the Pope. Like that's the plot of the movie. He's trying to give up scalping and cons and then the Pope shows up. So it goes for the ultimate scalper con, scoring Pope tickets and flipping them. That's the plot of the movie. And that's, it's not magic, but there's a lot of flimflamming going on, a trick and lie to Annie McDowell. And if you don't consider the Pope suddenly showing up as a plot point to be a convincing enough bit of divine intervention, allow me to draw your attention to 1996 again, my sweet little hearts.
Michael is a movie where John Ferval plays an actual angel doing his last vacation on earth, which they're allowed to do. But twist, this angel likes cigarettes and sugar and like just being a bro, you know, scratches his nutsack in front of people. When word of an angel spreads, Annie McDowell, William Hurt and Robert Pastorelli and a dog, I guess, are dispatched to cover him for their newspaper. They decide to take the angel to Chicago to really let loose for his last vacation. And then we learn that Michael, the angel's actual purpose on earth was to magically get Annie McDowell and William Hurt's characters together romantically. That's right, God sent a mean angel to earth to force a love connection on Annie McDowell with sex icon William Hurt. Now, I don't want to take up too much time because I know this episode is supposed to be about magic in movies, but I need to take us through a detour with a brief but necessary aside on how food works in the movie Michael. When we first meet Michael, he's staying at the house of some lonely old woman in Iowa and she is making breakfast for Michael and our heroes and she asks William Hurt.
How would he like his eggs? And he says, over easy. How would you like your eggs, Mr. Quinlan? Sparkies look good. Over easy! And then she gives him scrambled eggs and it's never addressed. Gentlemen. They don't even like zoom in on the eggs or make a joke about her, she's screwed up. Annie McDowell also asks for over easy eggs and also gets scrambled. Now, would you like your eggs, Miss? Over easy would be just fine.
He battled Lucifer and threw him out of heaven.
And again, she doesn't say, hey, this is wrong and doesn't shoot a knowing wink at William Hurt as if to say, this old woman is confused and crazy. It's never addressed.
Then Robert Pastorelli asks for poached eggs and I thought, poached, how are they gonna pull that off? They don't look anything like scrambled eggs. And then the old lady goes to the oven to somehow poach eggs on a dry frying pan and then instead, she just f***ing dies. She dies with an egg in her hand in front of a dry frying pan, which is tragic but also not what you'd use to poach eggs.
Later in the film, at a dive bar, William Hurt is biting into a lemon, skin and all as you or I would bite into an apple. And Nanny McDowell is like, that's not how you eat a lemon. And then she pours salt over it and eats it that way. It's not how you eat a lemon. How do you eat a lemon? Cut it in half. Salt on it. That is how you eat a lemon. That's how you eat a lemon.
Is this a rule? And because things come in threes, Michael caps them all off by saying, neither of you know how to eat a lemon. This is the right way. Then he puts the lemon into a glass of water, adds lots of sugar and leaves. All you need is love. Hello ladies. This never gets resolved. We never learn the right way to eat a f***ing lemon after this sluggish parade of wrong ways. And the viewer has no choice but to conclude that everyone involved in the movie is an alien. End of brief but necessary aside. What am I trying to say about the insanely specific trend of Nanny McDowell being romantically tricked via magic throughout the 90s?
Gun to my head? Nothing. Two guns to my head? Everything.
Whenever we needed someone to get duped in a romantic comedy and feel good about it, we specifically picked Nanny McDowell even though other actors existed including Mary Steenbergen who might often get confused with Nanny McDowell. Like I wonder if there was a producer during multiplicity who was like, are you sure you don't want Mary Steenbergen for this? I don't think anyone will know. And the director was like, no, it has to be Nanny McDowell.
She's the only one the audience will believe. Movies also have a hard time showing her being capable with her jobs. In Groundhog Day, she is a brand new producer, first day on the job. In The Muse, she is just starting to have a career. In multiplicity, she is asking to start a career. In Just the Ticket, she's an aspiring chef. Also, later in her actual career, and this is true, and no, I don't know what to do with it, Annie McDowell briefly appears in Magic Mike XXL, the better of the two Magic Mike movies.
Don't at me. Or at me. I'm not afraid of anyone.
And there's also some magic-related f***ery that goes on even all the way forward in time in 2015. There's a character in Magic Mike nicknamed Big Dick Richie. And his only problem, his only problem in the movie and in life, is that his dick is so big that he can't find anyone to have sex with because every woman he comes across is like, ha ha ha ha, no thank you! It's unfortunate for you. It's like a blessing and a curse at the same time, huh?
I have been in an actual sex in almost five months. Until he meets Annie McDowell, who's like, I'm your huckleberry. And she takes that magic dick. She takes it all the way home, buddy, and they both feel great in the morning. And his arc is complete with like 40 minutes of movie left, and she disappears from the film. Like I said, I don't know what to do about this. Maybe it's some nice film and decade-spanning closure for Andy? Like she spent the 90s getting duped and tricked and bamboozled by guys who didn't respect her. And then as the world got more aware, we were all like, damn, poor Andy, I hope she gets hers one day. And then she does, in the form of a huge dick from a guy who obviously should have been named Big Dick Rick.
Anyway, I got a soft topic. This episode was supposed to be about Groundhog Day. Right? Well, maybe this will be a bonus episode. I had a lot of things to say about Annie McDowell, and I think there's some compelling stuff around here surrounded by bits and pieces of other things I've noticed. We definitely shouldn't release this as a main video, like it shouldn't be a Monday video or whatever. Can someone make a note of that? Christina? Christina, can we make a note that we shouldn't release this as a video? Hey everyone, thanks for watching that video. If you have ever cracked videos or articles and you wanted to know how you can give back, there is now a way where you can contribute whenever you want to the site. There's a link in the description below.
Give us whatever you feel like giving us, or don't give us anything. We're still going to make the same stuff no matter what, so do something. |
SaturdayNightLive | jail_ad_snl | Done something wrong, got yourself in a pickle or a jam, and now you have to go to jail. Don't! people in here, there are so mean.
So come on down to Nice Jail. I invented it. it's like regular jail, but nice. Hi, my name is Amy Pudd, Amy Pudd. and I'm the founder of and Warden of Nice Jail. why make it nice jail?
Because I went to actual jail once and frankly people were mean. my cellmate took one look at me and said, oh hell no, I am saying no cell with your vampire head ass. Then later he said, why are you in bed, Dracula? you know y'all don't sleep at night with your vampire head ass. that kind of thing would never happen at Nice Jail.
I guarantee it. But don't take it from me. take it from one of our satisfied inmates.
After I got arrested for public intoxication, I was scared to go to jail. So I served 10 days at Nice jail and no one was mean to me. later when I went to court, the judge told me that none of it counted. and then my lawyer said, who told you to do that? I said, this guy named Abby who was standing in front of the Dmv. And then my lawyer turned to the judge and gave him a look like, can you believe this? and the judge just shook his head like I was so stupid it was causing him pain.
Thanks, Nice Jail. No, thank you. Now, as that observant young man noticed, legally speaking, nice jail doesn't count. And no, you can't choose to come here instead of going to mean jail. So you might be asking yourself, why would I go to Nice Jail? there are so many reasons. you got released from real jail, but think you could use a little more time. you did something wrong, but no one knows yet. you always wanted to go to an escape room, but you don't like puzzles. you don't want someone holding a mirror up to your face and asking, why does your vampire have an ass? have a reflection. does that answer your question?
If it doesn't, here's another glowing review.
So I came to Dallas thinking I had booked the room at the Marriott. Then I got there and this guy, Abby, told me he bought the place and changed the name to Nice Jail. Then he told me something about how no one here is going to pass you in a cafeteria on garlic bread day, knock down your tray and say, I just saved your vampire head ass.
Welcome.
Anyway, I stayed in nice jail for three days and Abby kept in touch like a lot, which I guess is nice. it's not just nice, it's nice jail. And I keep in touch with all my former inmates, even the ones who have done something bad that no one knows about yet. Other nice things you can expect about nice jail, compliments, time to yourself. no one asking, where are your fangs with your vampire head ass. dignity. business center. no one coming up to you when you're working in the library and saying, hey, we saw a bat on the yard. that was you, right?
And then you're like, how could that be me?
I'm not a bat and I'm in the library.
And then they're like, quit lying with your vampire head ass.
How come you don't just fly out of jail? And you're like, don't you think I would if I could?
I promise that will never happen at Nice Jail. even our staff is nice. I was hired to run clerical matters here at Nice Jail and it is a mess. the government pays for regular jail, but I'm pretty sure no one pays for this.
Like, I don't think Abby even bought the building. there's no water and he pays me and I live here. one time I asked for a time off and he said, that's not nice. why are you being mean to my vampire head ass? Seems like he's really internalized his whole vampire thing.
Anyways, I'm pretty sure the city will shut us down soon.
I'd like to see them try. So come on down to Nice Jail.
And remember, it doesn't count. Nice Jail. Seriously, it doesn't count.
I invented it. it's like regular jail, but nice. Hi, my name is Amy Pudd. and I'm the founder of and warden of Nice Jail. why make it nice jail? Because I went to actual jail once and frankly, people were mean. my cellmate took one look at me and said, oh, hell no. I say I know a cell with your vampire head ass. then later he said, why are you in bed, Dracula? You know, y'all don't sleep at night with your vampire head ass. that kind of thing would never happen at Nice Jail.
I guarantee it.
But don't take it from me. take it from one of our satisfied inmates. After I got arrested for public intoxication, I was scared to go to jail. So I served 10 days at Nice jail and no one was mean to me. later, when I went to court, the judge told me that none of it counted.
And then my lawyer said, who told you to do that? I said, this guy named Abby, who was standing in front of the Dmv. And then my lawyer turned to the judge and gave him a look like, can you believe this? and the judge just shook his head like I was so stupid it was causing him pain.
Thanks, Nice Jail. No, thank you. Now, as that observant young man noticed, legally speaking, nice jail doesn't count. And no, you can't choose to come here instead of going to mean jail. So you might be asking yourself, why would I go to Nice Jail? there are so many reasons. you got released from real jail, but think you could use a little more time. you did something wrong, but no one knows yet. you always wanted to go to an escape room, but you don't like puzzles. you don't want someone holding a mirror up to your face and asking, why does your vampire have an ass have a reflection? does that answer your question?
If it doesn't, here's another glowing review.
So I came to Dallas thinking I had booked a room at the Marriott. Then I got there and this guy, Abby, told me he bought the place and changed the name to Nice Jail. Then he told me something about how no one here is going to pass you in a cafeteria on garlic bread day, knock down your tray and say, i just saved your vampire head ass.
Welcome.
Anyway, I stayed in nice jail for three days and Abby kept in touch like a lot, which I guess is nice. It's not just nice. it's nice jail. And I keep in touch with all my former inmates, even the ones who have done something bad that no one knows about yet. here are all the nice things you can expect about Nice Jail. compliments, time to yourself. no one asking where are your fangs with your vampire head ass. dignity, business center.
No one coming up to you when you're working in the library and saying, hey, we saw a bat on the yard. that was you, right? And then you're like, how could that be me? I'm not a bat and I'm in the library.
And then they're like, quit lying with your vampire head ass. how come you don't just fly out of jail? And you're like, don't you think I would if I could?
I promise that will never happen at Nice Jail. even our staff is nice. I was hired to run clerical matters here at Nice Jail and it is a mess. the government pays for regular jail, but I'm pretty sure no one pays for this. like, I don't think Abby even bought the building. there's no water and he pays me in. I live here. one time I asked for a time off and he said that's not nice.
Why are you being mean to my vampire head ass? Seems like he's really internalized his whole vampire thing.
Anyways, I'm pretty sure the city will shut us down soon. to see them try. So come on down to Nice Jail.
And remember, it doesn't count. |
TheOnion | Truck_Accident_That_Killed_Rafters_in_Canyon_Sparks_Truck_Canyon_Rafter_Reform_Debate | I'm Juliana McAnus filling in for Clifford Banes, who is waylaid by bandits.
The nation is still reeling from yesterday's tragic accident at the Grand Canyon, where an oil truck spun out of control hit a rock wall and exploded, sending flaming wreckage falling into the Colorado River below, killing a raft full of tourists. Who is responsible for this tragedy? Somebody's gotta be held responsible. That road was just an exploding truck falling rafting accident waiting to happen. The government let those rafters get killed by those truck pieces. Now I think it's too easy to blame the government.
A wild canyon river tour should have provided safety equipment for their customers. Helmets, Kevlar body shells that would have protected them from flaming projectile trucks. They just let the trucks drain them. What we need is a tougher certification test that would ensure that the truck driver would have known what to do when his truck began to plummet towards the raft.
Yes, he should have screamed, truck coming! That's right! Now, since this incident, any news network polls show that 98% of Americans are concerned or very concerned about trucking, rafting, debris, rivers, being near roads, or being in canyons. Can you blame them? My staff informs me that the Republican governor, Thomas Campbell, who in 1916 authorized the funding for this road, did not even consider a report on the effect of this road on rafters' safety. I'd say hang the man if he hadn't already died from German measles. You know, exactly, and when it comes to educating truckers, our nation is asleep at the wheel. Yes, today in your column, Laura Lee, you called for the Arizona government to create some kind of truck falling into canyons early warning detection system. Yes, right.
Laura Lee, I think the real question is, why haven't columnists been drawing attention to this issue for years? Now, I've been trying to do that ever since I published my book Southwestern Escape in 1998.
But it's not just oil trucks that could be deadly when they run into a rock face. We also have to consider rocket cars, bikes carrying gasoline, and tractor trailers carrying one tank of nitrogen, one tank of glycerin. And tonight at 8 p.m., don't miss the Onion News Network's three-hour special investigative report, Falling Trucks, the hidden dangers of America's canyons. Here's a preview. America's canyons, the perfect places to go rafting, or the perfect places to have your body severed to pieces by exploding vehicles raining down on you from interstates above. At 8 Eastern, in a three-hour Onion News Network special report, Falling Trucks, the hidden dangers of America's canyons. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_136_Aunty_Donna | And today we're talking to three of Australia's premier stage and online comedians, performers. I guess you could say we were just talking before we hit record there and we're just talking about how much balls are carried between the three of them in the work they do, which is quite different to what we do here in this humble regional newspaper. We've got Mark, Broden, Zach from Aunty Donna. How are you gents?
Very well. Thank you so much. We are so well. Thank you. We are doing super. Thank you so much for having us.
It's a pleasure.
We love coming to Batooter and we've done a few rural shows there and it's an honor to be on the, on the radio. Season Dodge. I wouldn't go as far as calling you showies, but you're not far off that circuit. You are hitting the rural towns. What would your average tour look like for you lot? You know, look, usually we're hitting the cities for the most part. We're hitting the cities, but if, if maybe a council, a Batooter council or a Queensland state government throws a little something in or maybe, maybe a bit of a tax break for us to roll around to Batooter, we'll consider it, you know, work for Baz Luhrmann.
We love the audiences. Yes, it did. Regular couple of Baz Luhrmann's over here. Yeah. We work for Billy Zane. Oh yes.
For Billy. What did Billy do? Baz is one of our biggest comedy influences.
The Phantom. That was Gold Coast. Oh the Phantom. Gold Coast. Oh the Phantom.
If you're, if you're from Queensland, you, you know everything that was filmed at Movie World. Don't you? You've got that. Yeah. What was Jean-Claude Van Damme. Plenty of that. I remember, what was that one that came out?
The Ocean Man. The Ocean Man DC Ocean Man movie.
I watched that and I remember thinking, I was about halfway through and I didn't know, about halfway through I was like, I reckon this was filmed at Movie World. This has just got a filmed at Movie World kind of energy. One of the hangers, yeah. Another great that they filmed, oh that Jackie Chan Rumble in the Bronx. No, that's the one that they filmed here was called Mr Nice Guy. I remember, I was watching it years ago and they had a scene where they were in the snow and it was apparently in Russia and there's just covered in gum trees, like this whole hillside. Yeah they had the same thing.
Is that the one where he has the magical tuxedo? The image of uh. The robot tuxedo?
Oh yeah. Jesus Christ. I hadn't thought about that.
The image of Jackie Chan like on a lunch break checking out the Harry Potter exhibit at Movie World is just something that keeps me up at night with joy. I wonder if he went to the Batman cafe and got a burger. Or maybe he got, maybe he blushed and got a photo with the Catwoman. You get your photo taken in an alleyway of Gotham City that is one metre deep, beautiful. If you play your cards right and get the timing right you might get a photo with Christian Bale era Batman and Michelle Pfeiffer era Catwoman in the same photo.
That's the hope. Well the best one was Clooney. Was it Clooney era Batman where they had nipples on the suit? Oh yes. I have a photo of when I was 18 with the Clooney era Batman and the Batgirl at Movie World. Oh yeah Batgirl.
It's very exciting. Very exciting.
I mean speaking of Australian productions, this is what you guys are now verging into. We've done years of stage and online and now we're talking TV. We've made the big jump. We've made the big jump and it's a dream come true. When we were all five years old growing up in Australia our dream was to one day make a show for a streaming platform for an SVOD, for an online platform. We knew that one day we'd be adults and we would be on one of those digital access Chromecastable shows and that was our dream in the early 90s.
I watched Seeso as a kid and was like one day I'll be on something like Seeso. Presto was big for me. I would sit there and I'd be glued in front of the TV to Presto and just go one day one day Presto. I remember Wednesday nights on Presto. I think that was every child's dream you know just that wall to wall quality comedy on the Foxtel Channel 7 streaming collab Presto.
I think they got something like 14,000 members in the end Presto. That's delicious. We love Presto. That's a beautiful number.
It was a niche business that was only around for an age amount of time. I think that Presto was Foxtel and Channel 7 taking a risk and saying maybe people are going online and sometimes risks don't work out. People didn't want to watch TV on the internet.
You don't. You watch it on TV. You turn your television on.
Especially when all we were dealing with was like five seasons of Stingers. They didn't have much to work with either. It was that concept wasn't it?
Everything you love about Channel 7, everything you love about Foxtel are still currently exclusive to Channel 7 and Foxtel but we do have a lot of Real Housewives but not the seasons you want to watch. The one with the silver chair one. The Real Housewives of Manchester. The Real Housewives of Brisbane.
I'd watch that. Camilla Dresses. I'd absolutely watch that. Rose Camilla Dresses.
More Morone. Don't talk back to her. Her husband makes hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Playing rugby league.
We made a Netflix show. We made it over in America and we finished the edit on it the day before Covid really took off. We came home just in time. We were very lucky in that respect.
So you didn't have to do the hotel. We landed at 5am and at midnight that night the hotel quarantined. The two week mandatory quarantine had come in so they hadn't had time to set up the hotel thing just yet. So we just did it in Airbnbs but we were very close. Very close to getting hoteled. You just stayed there and had the groceries dropped off or something like that.
Yeah I literally booked, I lived in an apartment building and I booked an apartment across the road from my apartment building and I spoke to my girlfriend over the balcony for the first two weeks of coming back home. I think in Vincent Airbnb person that I was just like a young exciting writer who just wanted to spend two exact weeks alone in an Airbnb. I was just like oh I'm young and I'm exciting and I just want to come out to this beautiful suburb in the middle of Victoria and just hang out.
I'm not sick at all. I completely forgot about that. I was so scared of telling them I'd just come from overseas because they'd just be like no fuck off.
So I was just like oh I'm in Melbourne for the comedy festival but it got cancelled so I guess I'm just going to have to stow. A little bit of a sabbatical yeah. So you guys came back just in time but you did have to spend the 116 days locked in your house. How was that for all you guys?
I hate to be that cliche, there's sort of two cliches isn't there. There's the Beck Judd kind of get me out of my mansion cliche but then there's also the you know what I liked it but I didn't mind it. There's also there's a third one there too which is no we're not okay. Yeah you can't talk about lockdown unless you're in lockdown.
Thanks Australia but fuck off. You wouldn't understand, this isn't it guys, you wouldn't understand up in Queensland what it's like. We were marginally worse off. Thanks Melbourne you don't have to deal with increased rates of skin cancer like we have to in Queensland.
Go and wear another raincoat. I gotta say you do not understand what it's like here where we have running water and are able to self isolate for that many days. It's tough. Also the ability, everyone forgets you've got two types of water, you've got the hot and cold and you also get to shit into clean water.
That's very rare around the world. It is a beautiful thing isn't it you know like you don't get it. No one gets what it's like in Melbourne and it's like because 70% of the world has it worse than us right now. That's why they don't understand.
And any bit of sympathy, any bit of sympathy we had just vanished when you said that so. The scary thing for me is it wasn't that different to be honest. To a good old Melbourne winter. Yeah it was like I exercised in the park, I saw these guys on zoom instead of having to go to the office every day which was nice, paid for less petrol. And less stinky. Who was less stinky, me? I didn't want to say but yeah. Mark you can't just throw around those sorts of accusations man. Oh come on I was just doing a little comedy joke about stinky broden.
Bit of a riff. There's nothing wrong with a riff. Yeah it got shot down real quick, could have been a riff, could have been a riff. I'm going to echo what Cameron James said to you guys the other day, for a couple of writers who sit online all day, you guys are good riffers. Oh yeah that was, we were with some of the more I guess you'd say schizophrenic riffers in that room, Cameron and Lexi. Yeah they're riffianados.
We're building a rapport here guys, I reckon we'll be getting, we'll be going off the handle by the end of this. Those two dudes are very clever, so it was a bit intimidating having them in here. They just act clever. Good news for you boys, we are not as clever, we are dumb cunts. We did not know nearly as much shit. You will be ahead of us and or keeping up.
Hey can you tell us a little bit about the, speaking of your strong suits, which is obviously in performance on stage and online, how did it start? I feel like you guys have been going at it for a while and like all great performers you have your moments, right now this is a moment, Netflix right? But obviously you guys lifted up during lockdown because what you do suits that kind of moment perfectly and you're just real stayers you know and people who discover you, we're speaking to Violent Soho about this as well, people who discover you feel like you're brand new, which is I guess an art form in itself, how did it start? Because it felt like it almost was happening before the age of the viral comedian. Yeah I think that was a big thing where, genuinely we, almost to tap into, because we've got the story of how we started, but to tap into almost that idea of not, of always existing, kind of seeming timeless, it doesn't matter. I remember having a conversation when we first started, when we first started doing what we do, we had a conversation where we were like the comedians we love, you know your Monty Pythons or your Sean McAuliffe's, that those comedians tend not to do contemporary references, that they're a great sort of, if you're doing satire, go contemporary, but if you're doing something that's more about escape, let's make it timeless, let's always tap into whatever's funniest in any given time, if a character has to hold a phone, let's go with the, is the Nokia funnier than the iPhone, or is it funnier to go with a course, you know like let's go with the funniest, and that was more like a stylistic choice, but I think it's meant that we've had to delete less videos from our YouTube than our contemporaries I would say. It's funny that you say it happened, you feel like it happened before The Viral Comedian because we've always felt like we've been a step behind everything, like we felt like we came to the game so late, and when we started uploading shit on YouTube, like I think I'd watched YouTube three times in my life, like we've always felt like we've approached it like old men and there's this new thing that's already come and gone and we're trying to catch up, so it's interesting to hear you say that. What was the conversion first, was it was stage or like you know, were you converting your live audiences into viewers or was it viewers into live audiences? It was, our whole thing was we're just going to be a live group and just tour around and you know, like the one I always thought of, I wanted to be like Laino and Woodley who did these live shows and then maybe they got a telly show down the track, and that was the kind of plan, but then we put things up intermittently on our YouTube channel, pretty much usually to promote that we were doing a live show, and like places like Reddit and other places like that really got on board and we built an audience.
But like you say, I like that, I've not heard many people refer to us as stayers, but it's very true, like just very gradual over time, just always doing stuff and just very, very slowly and just like brought people, more and more people to following us. Yeah, and you don't blow your gasket on, you know, one big stitch up or one big stunt or one big gig, you know what I mean? It's not, that's not longevity. I think the groups that go up really fast go down fast very well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I totally there's a there's a sense like, have you ever heard of VidCon? No. Yes. VidCon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a short video conference. And it's every year in Anaheim, just across the road from Disneyland, all of the best creators for YouTube, and TikTok and all the things they get together and they talk about what it is like how to create content. And I remember we've been to a few I kind of I kind of like it, but we've been to a few and man, like we always feel so out of our depth, because it's always these things, you know, like, how to go viral, like it just it's how to engage with content and how to do this, how to do that. And what was the turnover like? You never you never see the same people there again? No, no, no, no, no, no, not a great, not a great life expecting scene, to be honest with a YouTuber.
And that's exactly our experience. We went there once we've never been again. We've had like, when you talk about virals, we've had a few that have like on different places, like we did this video a few years ago called Christmas Pood. Oh, yeah. And like that did well for us and lots of others. And we've had ones at other times.
But when something does blow up for us, like personally speaking myself, I'm just really fucking confused. Like I never understand, I never can look at it and go, how do I do that again?
It's not like writing a song. You know, musicians can, if they really put their mind to it, write a song with the commercial checkpoints that will get them put in a superannuation ad. Yeah, but I don't think with what you do, you can't find those checkpoints. You don't know what it is. It's going to send this thing that we've we've never had that that Beatles moment where someone's gone, you've just recorded your first number one hit.
Like we just we're just like Pood or like a nurse, or I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Can I ask you boys a question about when you do posts like on Facebook or Instagram, do you have like measurements where you go, this is a success? Or do you have one post that you like or article that you think of? In the first two minutes, in the first two minutes, we know if it's going to go off. Yeah, really?
Well, yeah, that's kind of how these things work is like there's like a ratio that the algorithm works off, where if it gets a lot of clicks, but no interactions, then the algorithm kills it. Because they think it's like, clickbait news, whatever it is like, but if it gets, you know, like a lot of clicks and comments, then the algorithm tends to reward that.
So you can't go to taboo and you can't go too crude in that sense. Yeah, you know what I mean? Because they're not going to fucking like something that's got cunt written all over it. They're gonna, they'll click it, but they're not gonna share it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But um, that's about as much as we know with the algorithm. No one really knows. Except the algorithm though, like, it changes so much. Like it like they used to be different types of metrics that we could measure off how a story was going to end up.
But yeah, look, it's just, all we've had to do is condition ourselves to our own format. And yeah, and not try and do what, I mean, the censorship and especially with COVID, we've got to be careful with some of the words you use, because I'll shut you down straight away. Yeah. So you've got to try to find new ways of, you can't necessarily use Coronavirus in a headline, you've got to find another term for the Coronavirus. So you can't say shamdemic either. So you can say like, I wonder why. Yeah. So you've just got to, but yeah.
Um, I think I heard about Coronavirus. The first time I think I heard Coronavirus, I think it was in one of your articles in like January, February, which is, you know, it's a fair point.
Like, and it happens all the time when people, it's like almost a saying now in Australia is I can't believe this isn't a Battuta, a Battuta article when something happens. Absolutely. Yeah. Can I ask just off that, do you sometimes have jokes that you go, well, this won't go gangbusters, but I'm, I want to put this out and I'm excited that this is going to go off in Queen. Yeah. It's never been about the likes. It's about news and information. That's what I'm thinking. It must be strange when people outside of Battuta engage with your material. Malcolm Turnbull, you know, all those interesting Southern types. Yeah.
It's like, we had that article the other day about how a gyp rocker was hiding a bottle of piss in the drywall. And yes, that freaked me out. Yeah. Because look, in your house now, somewhere in the walls, there could be a bottle of piss. And I think like inside, probably say about 10% of households in this country have a bottle of piss somewhere in the drywall. That was left by a gyp rocker. That's a terrifying thought.
All the plumbers, the plumbers, when they're four, four or so stories up and they don't want to go back down the scaf to go to the portaloo, will just do a shit. They'll do a shit in the pipe that they know is going to be connected to the toilet anyway.
So it just sits there. It gets sits there until its first flush, which could be months later.
And these are the type of things you learn when you've got a town our size and you get to meet all of these different identities. Sometimes we we we might not cast the widest net and it feels good. It feels good to do something for them.
Can I ask a question about about the Batutah, because we only get the online version down south. We only get the Instagram and the website. Do you still have a print version that is circulated around the town?
Yeah, because I because I grew up in a rural area. And one of my favorite things is one of our parents in my year level, one of the parents realized this hack that if you wrote the article and sent it in, they would just publish it. So I was just curious, do you have like stories about exciting school excursions? Sounds a lot like PR, you know, I think she just discovered what PR is because you send a press release. Yeah, the greatest publicist in the Latrobe Valley.
Now tell us you guys are regional, I guess, in the narrative. Some of you, I'm not sure if you're all if you're all from the bush, but you all met in Ballarat University. That's the narrative.
The Rust Belt.
Yes. I'm not sure if Ballarat's a gold or wool town, but I know the gold towns don't do so well. I'm really big on that. That's the narrative. Just throw it into doubt whether we studied at Ballarat at all. Yeah, that's what we tell people to make people think we're humble. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ballarat was, the gold rush happened in Ballarat, and it had more money than Melbourne. So there was a time when the city of Ballarat was more luxury, beautiful. It acquired all the best art in the mid 1800s.
It's a beautiful city. And yeah, beautiful streets.
One day, nothing. And it hasn't grown since.
But now there's a lot of Maccas. It's the biggest Maccas in the southern hemisphere, I think. And they're all scrounging for different kind of rocks now.
Yeah, that's right. I'll tell you what, the gold, the gold in the river at Sovereign Hill, you boys know about Sovereign Hill? It's a concrete river. They put it in there every morning. It's fake. Fucking dogs.
Mark used to work there. Well, I'm sorry, Mark.
Well, great. I was, you know, I was trying to, like, I had a hot scoop, like I found out through some sidewalk. No, I did used to work there. Oh, really? Did you have to dress up like colonial? Yes, I did.
And I had to do street activations like Lola, Lola Montez. Lola Montez had shown her ankles that night at a theatre show and she was being essentially slut shamed on the street. And then she whipped a man and I was the man that she whipped, you see.
So they have a theatre media department, I'm guessing, at Ballarat?
Yeah. Oh, yes. Yes, they did. So you went to, would you identify as thespians? Oh, yes, very much so. Very much so.
We are, we're proud thespians. And that's where it did start. We all studied acting together at Ballarat. It's just this weird little acting school. And it was it was one of those very funny things where we would all wear it. We were all very serious.
We're all really skinny. Everyone's so skinny when they're 19 and we're all really skinny.
And we'd wear like black tracksuit pants and do serious Shakespeare plays and and legitimately believed there was a career in putting on Shakespeare plays. And then we just sort of moved slowly towards comedy when we realised that not many people other than year twelves care for Shakespeare. And the greatest form of theatre for most most of your contemporaries would be like WWF wrestling. It's kind of hard to.
Yes. Yeah. That's why I was there. Bring Shakespeare to the town of Ballarat when you know you could just put on a pair of, you know, leotards and and and get on just backflip off the turnbuckle. And that's that's the theatre everyone's kind of most interested in. If instead of doing vocal training, we were doing how to do a hurra-carana or a sidewalk slam. Yeah. Like that would be quite I reckon there'd be value in that, particularly if you're on the Gold Coast doing stunts for all the movies. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Suplexes and stuff. That's life skills. Did you do that?
What's that theatre? The theatre thing that they do with the youngsters, the mumming. Did they ever do that with you where they send you into the pub to do like a mumming flash performance?
Oh, no, thank God. Yes.
That there was like I think there was the first Inklings. I legitimately remember they're being taught in about our third year of uni like, you know, there's these performance art groups in in New York that will just freeze in unison and create these moments. And I remember being that age and being like, oh, wow, we should try to put that together. And then and then it never quite happened.
So we we thank God because the idea of there being footage online, I'd be happy for most like footage from my past to be released. But if there was footage online of me doing like the like the Macarena in the middle of a shopping centre in Ballarat, I, I couldn't do it. I would have to just move to Tasmania.
You'd never hear from me again. Like just with you and eight mates. Yeah. And no one's looking at you.
We're going to just they're going to be going for their shop and then they're going to look around and their whole concept of reality is going to be changed because eight people are doing the Macarena. But also, if we did that in Ballarat, we would get the shit. That happens because I've heard of this happening in Armidale and Gatton and and Bathurst, where they had these kind of like similar sized universities with similar kind of theatre theatre schools in them. And they do it in the pubs.
Like they'll send them in. They'll send them in.
It'll be like four or five guys and a couple of girls. You imagine they sit in like the girls who kind of do a little bit of a whimsical kind of thing. And the punters aren't really off it. But then the guys come in and do like, make them laugh, make them dance, make them laugh. And then you just ruin their night. You just start exploring the negative space. These guys are having a counter meal and they're probably about to play the pokies.
They didn't really come here for that. I feel like they would have invented new homophobic slurs to say to us they would have brought them into existence if we'd done that. They invented that. The idea of really like now tickled because I just remember that's kind of the going thing. It's become enough of a genre that there's tropes now.
And the going thing is it's always one person starts singing. And then the people that join them are like in the crowd going, what's this? What's going on here? And then they join in. It's that fold in.
I'm trying to be like an English pub. The best thing you could possibly do is get 20 friends together and convince one person you're going to do. This guy. So you sing the first 10 to 20 seconds and then we'll join in. Excuse me, sir. I think you've had too much to drink. I'm going to have to help you out of the pub. Hey, mate, I think you need to have some water to help you out. And I get him to start with something really obnoxious, like living on a prayer like, oh, oh, oh, that's good. We should, um, the idea that the person that's about to join in is the person that says, are you OK, mate? Oh, what's what's going on? This guy might, uh, let's get him, get him on the mid strike. So I reckon this guy on the mid east, I think this is only five.
Sorry, guys, this girlfriend just left him. He was really concussed on on the weekend in rugby. Yeah, we were tackled into the cricket pitch. We weren't going to bring him out tonight because we thought something like this might happen. But he said, nah, nah, nah, nah.
I'm feeling all right. And then, you know, here we are.
It's my fault. It's my fault this has happened.
Now we're riffing, guys. This is good. We're trying to get one start at all potty. Yeah, we're throwing around hypotheticals here. Now, tell us with the new show, what is the premise? Is it this kind of stuff? We're talking, you know, like talking riffs. Yeah. Theater kids, um, theater kids with a budget. Is this what we're talking?
Yeah, that's pretty much it. Actually, legitimately, that is the that is what it is. It's we made some YouTube videos in Australia and then one day an American group like, yeah, come do it over here. We're all right. And then we did the same thing on a much higher budget and it got made. That's the that. And somehow that happened. So that's what it is. It's actually not that different to what we've always done, but just with fancier cameras and fancier lights and a fancier set.
But professionals just crazy, crazy professionals around this have been streamlined, have been working. Oh, my God. Oh, they just they just work over there.
We would shoot our bullshit like we do the bullshit and then just profusely apologize afterwards. We just added that layer. I was just like, we're so sorry. We know you've worked with like all the greatest comedians in the world. We're so sorry. Anyway, back to slapping hot dogs on each other's faces.
I never saw one person shit in a pipe ever.
That's true. Well, that's that's great.
I mean, it sounds like you guys are talking about it like it sounds like a lucky turn of events. But obviously, as we said, you stay as you've been working on it for a while. And I think the most luck that you've kind of come to that isn't necessarily indicative of hard work is the luck in that this was all wrapped. Your unionized workforce were sent home just a week before coronavirus took off.
Oh, my God. Very lucky.
We shot this the last three or four weeks that you could shoot before everyone went on Christmas holidays for 2019. So it was pushed all the way. And there were there were moments where there could have been delays and we would have had to push the shoot into 2020.
Had we? Had we done that? Let's be honest, this was an American production, Mark. So we might have taken a week off and then gotten back to it. That's true.
They love to work. They love to get back in there.
Wear your masks if you want to. No, but we dodged we dodged that.
We got we got we got very lucky. Very, very lucky.
So you're in L.A.? Yeah. We're in there.
We had to try and convince Americans to be in the show because all our Aussie mates were back in Australia. So we know who we were. We had pilot season. So there were no Aussies there.
Yeah, but there are there's a lot of like American actors who are like big Donna fans. So like Homelander from The Boys. Yeah, he's like just a big fan. So can you please come be in this show? And he's a Kiwi originally.
So yeah, pood. And and I love pood. And then and and then we asked with our Yankovic and he's like, yeah, pood.
And that's what we were going to get to. Weird Al, that's a good get. Yeah. Oh, that was a great get.
With the strangest thing is over there. Like you, you, you forget how like normal this is to people over there.
We'd be sitting. We had this casting meeting and I think I can't remember if it was the casting director or if it was maybe Dave, one of the producers were just like, you know, weird Al would be up, would be good. It might have even just been Al might be good for this. I was just like, oh, no, no, that's too much for 13 year old me to handle.
Yeah, yeah. Gangster's Armish paradise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was the one for me too, was that one. And what was it? The episode one Star Wars one as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's the the Running with Scissors album defined my puberty. Eat it. As I was going through puberty, I was listening to Running with Scissors by Weird Al Yankovic.
Was that the the Cobain parody was just told you. Oh, the oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You smell, that's right. Smells like Nirvana.
Do you remember that song? His originals, like, didn't get enough credit either. Do you remember that? I'm going to give away the joke, but I think a spoiler warning on a comedy song that's 20 years old is not too important. No, no, no. I remember he did. I remember he did this song.
It was just this idea of I was watching TV and then there was a news announcement. They cut off my program to show this news announcement of this horrific earthquake. And so many people had died. Just this horrific news.
And then I thought to myself, why does this always happen to me? I was halfway through that episode of The Simpsons. And I just have this like vivid memory of just the whole chorus is why does this always happen to me?
And it was all about these like world events and how upset he was that it was like interrupting his TV show or like it's a very funny song, very clever. It's actually quite similar to, you know, the 2020 second wave Melbourne situation.
But you wouldn't understand you wouldn't understand up there. I, I, I could only go and exercise for one hour of the day. And I didn't use that, nor would I have. But one hour. Do you know what that's like? So tell me about that word there, because I need to know this from Victorians. Was there ever a day where you just let that hour go by? You didn't even not even for groceries.
Absolutely. Most of them. Most of those days.
I had like cold. It's a cold winter's day.
Like there was I would say I went outside more because I knew I only had an hour. Yeah, right. Yeah, I was like, I'm going to use my hour. The actually the weirdest bit for me was the curfews. That's like that's something that was like seven o'clock at night or eight o'clock at night.
The streets would just be empty. And like you could see it like from my balcony. You could see no one was around. And like if you got Uber, you had to sneak out the door and get it and come back in.
That was particularly weird. And like, yeah, yeah. It sounds a lot like King's Cross. That that concept. What's that like King's Cross?
Yeah, it's like Darling Harbour at night. Yeah, it's like Melbourne after 8 p.m. during curfew was like Darling Harbour for the last 20 years.
Yeah, yeah. It's just the Olympics. It's kind of a bunch of wet pigeons.
Yeah, it's kind of like a lot of people have made arguments that Melbourne copped a second wave because of, you know, political reasons or even racist reasons. You know, you could argue that Melbourne copped a second wave because you're not used to being told what to do. Which is like the complacency was there in the sense that Sydney and Brisbane, they're like, don't you dare go out.
Everyone's like, wash your hands. This is like the time you closed all the pubs because we couldn't stop punching each other. And they're like, exactly like that.
His points of reference for Melbourne's brand. Melbourne's brand is entirely, let's come on. It's a party.
You can't just jump from like you tell a 22 year old that he has to go to work every day. He's not going to do it. He's just finished uni. He's still living in his first year O-Week, you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're O-Week guys. Yeah, and it's also like I want to go to I want to go to comedy at three in the morning. That's just what I do, because that's what we do here. That's a normal thing here. I do love the idea that finally Brisbane, Perth, Sydney could lord over the fact that you're like overly expanded and you have too many suburbs and everyone drives everywhere. It's like, ha ha. Yeah, yeah. We didn't make it good for pedestrians 20 years ago. Yeah, yeah.
We don't have trams that suit everyone. Suck shit. We don't have a vibrant nightlife. You losers. Yeah, we don't. We don't. Yeah, we don't have a, you know, operating public transport system that we can rely on.
And that's free. Yeah, it's part of our community. So it's like L.A. versus New York, I guess, you know, driving cities. That's yeah. Yeah. There's no high-rises, no. Melbourne is for New York and Sydney is the L.A. That's how we're. And that's all we've always said.
Oh yeah.
I didn't want to break it to you, but Queensland is our Florida. We love you, Queensland. You've got our theme parks. You've got the best weather. But you are our Florida. We love guns.
That's alright. We'll take it. That's my favorite thing about Australia is like, oh yeah, this part of Australia is this part of America and this part of Australia. Yeah. It's like, we're just Texas. Australia is Texas. And that's it. Like, yeah. Or yeah, like people, particularly in New York, they're like, oh man, Queens.
That's so that's basically like Footscray. It's like, no, it's not. There's not a comparison for every little bit, you know. Footscray is full of what?
Vietnamese and Greek guys who got really rich and started voting for the Liberal Party.
Is that what Queens is? Is that what they're doing in Queens?
The best part of Melbourne is at the top of Bourke Street is called the Paris end. Like that is. Oh yeah, that's amazing. That's because there's a Louis Vuitton shop and that's literally that. Yeah. This is the Paris end. On Park Road in Brisbane, which was, I guess, the trendy, trendy strip in the 90s. They thought it was really going to lift off and it never really made it because, you know, you can't force those kind of things. They have a imitation Eiffel Tower. Oh, yum yum yum. That's beautiful.
That's one of my favourite things in the world is like state governments and councils going, oh man, London has the London Eye. We need something like that that will draw people to our city. Something, and it's like, so what we're going to do is have a big wheel in the city. And then people are like, no, no. The idea is that it's original, it's different. If you want your London Eye, it has to be different. They're like, no, we're going to do a big wheel, just like London.
And we're going to charge you 45 bucks to get on it. It'll be as big and it'll be broken all the time.
In the London Eye, you can see all of London. You can see the Big Ben. You can see the Shakespeare's Theatre. You can see anything. It's literally from the Melbourne Star. You can see Costco and some docks. And the Baltic Bridge.
Have you ever wanted to see what the roof of Docklands looks like? Well, for $45, I can show you the roof. Yeah, do you want to see what heaps of empty apartment buildings look like? If you want to see what a wind tunnel that hasn't increased in value for 10 years looks like, $45 on this wheel.
I think one of the best parts about Queensland when we visit there is that it's the, the flagship stores for American chains always starting in Queensland. Yitago Bells, Jersey Mike's, all of those ones, always starting in Queensland. Carl's Jr. at the airport in Brisbane by golly.
And it's lost on Queenslanders too. Cause they'd prefer to go to Red Rooster. So. You've still got Red Rooster? I mean, geez.
I think the thing with the Australian cities, are you like, you're right with the whole, oh, we'll just get like a scaled down version of this thing that worked in London. And they really should be leaning into what they have. Like the, like the fact that Brisbane is, has the most popular form of public transport is catamarans. Should probably be a bit more of a bigger deal. Capitalise on that. Yeah. Capitalise on the catamarans. I also love the competitiveness on population. Like we're soon going to be a bigger city than Sydney.
And it's like, oh. Good. I hope you've got the sewerage system that can handle that. Exactly. Yeah. Byron's going to, is the Victorian kind of flight path to Byron's almost one way nowadays too. Absolutely.
Outside of COVID. So speaking of sewerage systems that can't handle the population, that's.
That is a, that is a funny part of the world. We've been up there a few times, mainly like when we've done Splendor and things like that. And that like the Byron and the suburbs around Byron, is it Kingscliff or?
This is like beautiful beaches. The locals call it, ocean shores, the locals call it open sores.
It's genuinely, I think Byron is mostly people from Melbourne dressing up like Queenslanders and Melbourne is mostly people from Brisbane dressing up like Melbourne people. Like it's literally the, we just do like an exchange. I don't think I've ever been to a barbershop. And no one is in Queensland, that's a thing though. I genuinely don't think I've ever had my beard done in Melbourne and it not lead to someone being like, yeah, I used to live in Sydney, man, but you just couldn't get a good coffee. Like that's, that's, that's every barber in Melbourne.
I just had to leave Queensland after they voted in Scott Morrison again, man. I just fucking couldn't take it, man. And I didn't have the balls to move to London. Man, like my fucking parents. I had to go, man.
And originally like first I got an apartment off Chapel street, but that place is dead now, man. That's why I had to go north, man. So I was living at the Warsaw end of Chapel street. No, like real communist vibes, but like, yeah, now it's like, yeah. Like the place is dead now because of COVID-19. Ever since I shut down the top shop, man, the Warsaw end has just like gone downhill, man.
I just thought to myself, I'm 21 years old. I'm not going to be around forever. I've got to make something of myself.
I swear to God, man, my boss here at this barbershop is such a dick, man. I can't wait to open my own barbershop next door and then learn very quickly about a thing called cashflow and shut down. But you know, you can't have, you can't have enough dapper barbershops.
So look guys, we've done well here. We've, we've riffed. I'm going to say for half an hour, but yeah, it was great to meet you guys. And when, when the steel ring opens up, we'll be sure to link up. Yeah. Oh my God, that'd be awesome. And thank you so much for talking to us. You guys are absolute icons, not just in Batutah, but all around Australia and we've been fans forever. So lovely to talk to you. Oh, thanks for joining us gents. And look, we cast a wide net most of the time, you know, you join us a week after, you know, I guess we had Slim Dusty's wife join McKeen and before that we had Robbie Catter, the son of Bob. And it's great to actually, yeah, we had Shannon on too. It's great to actually speak to some people inside Melbourne though. We got that, that's the most perspective we've gotten this whole time. Very different lifestyle down here, very different.
November 24, I believe New South Wales are opening up to you, so. November 23.
Yeah. Yeah, we can't wait. Maybe we can all meet at the bubble in Byron. We'll meet in Byron. Get in there and fucking root around, I can't wait. We can get on the beers. Yeah, yeah. We'll meet at the bubble in Byron.
I'm sorry. Very topical. Thanks gents. Thank you. Thanks guys. Thanks boys. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_genz_in_tech | I only use the best technology. E-ink monitors, blue light filters, vertical mouse, ergonomic flat keyboards, standing desk, tomato method for breaks. I also don't do any real work, that also helps. Let me show you what I learned on TikTok. Swiper, making the world a better place by swiping.
Is this mic working? Hello, hello?
I really don't know why they hired me. I also don't know why they don't fire me.
Ah, it might be because I'm CTO and co-founder. There's a lot of misinformation on the internet, so I decided to become a tech influencer to clarify things and prevent people from bad investment. I don't really like the term tech influencer. Guru suits me better. This is my Twitter, this is where most of the work happens. Although I might be the only one over there. I invest in Metaverse Real Estate, Qidong, Ying Yang, Quinoa Coin, S&M 500, NFTs, social tokens, credit card numbers, so the Bitcoin days are over. While listening to Joe Rogan's podcast. Roblox, I make lots of money with it.
It's just the best. Hello? Yes, yes, exactly. Yes, I understand your concerns.
It will sell somehow, we'll just sell it on Twitter. I'm sorry I'm busy right now, I can't really do it. Let me show you what I learned on TikTok. Shifting, lucid dreaming, mewing, meditation, Greek mythology, transhumanism, jaw marathons, dental crowns. Here's an image. Let me show you how to be successful on TikTok.
Take these books, now burn them. Well, of course, film it first. Now burn yourself.
TikTok ideas don't come from the brain, they come from the little instructions in the cereal box. Now is the time to book that trip you've always wanted to take. Panda Express. I also do calisthenics, functional training, proprioceptive training, cardio, low carb diet, but I don't really work out, so. Anything that can sell my NFTs on social media, I will promote.
We live in an attention economy, which is described in the book Attention Economy, which I'm currently writing. I mean, I'm not writing it, I have a ghostwriter, but it's my idea. I mean, it's not my idea, but I'm writing about it. I mean, I'm not really writing about it, but anything that brings revenue. We live in capitalism, which is another book that I'm writing.
Hey, everyone, if you want to know the gear that I'm using, this is a vertical mouse that I got from a thrift store down the road. I will link the name of the thrift store chain down in the description.
Okay, bye. Are you still there?
Uh, I have also been a reliable Discord mod. Let me introduce you to our Slack channel. Kai is just my street name. My real name is Mark.eth.
This gum is aspartame-free, only pure sugar. I only drink water that has been crystallized for at least a million of years. Ew, this one's expired.
I'm also an avid memest on Telegram. To be honest, most of it I just copy from our Slack. As a co-founder, you gotta be ready to do anything.
You can't have an attitude, even if that means customer service. I'm sorry the order didn't go through.
What would you say if I offered you a thousand dollar discount? Can I interest you in my newly minted art collection? Have you heard of quinoa coin? And that's the traditional way to sell NFTs.
Oh, what's happening in here? Where did they bring me? What kind of game is this? |
dropout | Don_t_Laugh_News_Challenge_Get_In_My_Belly | from West Hollywood California the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it anyone who laughs or breaks loses points this is breaking news welcome back to breaking news the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh I'm Brian Watterson and I'm that bastard our top story tonight the school admissions scandal has widened with more parents bribing the children's way into college I ate a baby interestingly the scandal continues to include really middle-tier universities like USC where no parent would ever be proud of the child going this reporter fears the scandal might grow to include rice which you hear about once every 10 years or so Carnegie Mellon which is probably impressive if you have the misfortune of living in Pittsburgh and Marquette which I dare you to even guess what state that's in I got a crap poking out that could chew Kentucky emotional from it the scandal has extended to include my alma mater Dartmouth University Dartmouth the Washington generals of the Ivy League Dartmouth for the students bright enough for Columbia but not hot enough for New York interestingly Dartmouth doesn't have an official mascot because honestly why would we ever need one but our unofficial mascot keggy is an anthropomorphic keg created by students because get this college students like beer that's the kind of creativity and originality that got us into the Ivy League fat bastard where did you go to college very good we turn now to Bob Bulldog Briscoe for sports hey Brian hey fat bastard I'm here to talk about the sport of the summer water skiing Apple Valley Lake is holding its annual water ski off this weekend and like anything involving boats it's sure to be douchey people who own speed bumps are the same kind of people who think nobody hits their kids enough anymore or who drink wine with ice in it summer on the lake looks like a PSA on the dangers of skin cancer everyone there is a bad best a libertarian the ski off is an amateur water skiing contest that means people will mostly be spit was that Bulldog I said that means that means people will mostly be sitting on a boat with their cousin trying to pretend to be in whatever baseball team he's talking about waiting their turn to get in the water once they do they'll try for 20 frustrating minutes to get up on skis before finally giving up out of embarrassment the winner will be whoever is the winner will be whoever is the first person to suggest tubing water skiing is less cool but more fun friend it's like I always say tube tube tube tube tube you tubs to back to you fat bastard speaking of which let's go now to our restaurant critic golda may air no relation golda you're at a pie festivals that right that's right Brian I'm sampling all the pies made by local bakers and what's been the standout oh I always go for the classics so there was a really tasty cherry pie mmm sounds good what else we tried oh my well there's been apple pie pumpkin pie pump can pie pecan pie pecan pie P pump pie Boston cream pie Austin cream pie chicken pot pie coward pot pie strawberry pie hoon tang pie it has a dirty name yes but it's made with a grapefruit curd and meringue don't worry though it for sure tastes like there was chocolate pie crock let's pie that's pie made the procs mincemeat pie prince meat pie that's pie made from princess dead body rinse meat pie that's pie made from meat that you hold blueberry pie and of course humble pie I love pie we all do that's all for us on breaking news of course this week's loser is Shukri Abdi keep up the good work Shukri thank you for watching well that was a good time hi I still don't know what I'm about to say because I'm a big stupid idiot like this video you can go to hell and then you can go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today for every episode breaking news that's here there's another episode only available on dropout.tv until next time I'm great O'Brien which is Irish for grant of Brian |
dropout | how_fake_psychics_fool_their_victims_adam_ruins_everything | Shut up, okay? Welcome back to the Jersey Charcoal.
I transcend dimensions, I speak to spirits, I live off exit nine off the turnpike. So, today I have been summoned to the home of an adorable little boy and his adult friend who we barely know. My name is Stewart, and I'm 12 years old. I'd say I'm a pretty happy kid.
That is, until IT showed up. Its name is Adam, and he's making Halloween really not scary. Yeah. So, I'm hoping the Jersey Charcoal can connect me with a dead relative, or a murderer. Whichever's more terrifying.
Hello, it's so nice to meet you. Thank you for having me. I sensed you needed it. Good, you sat down.
Okay, we're gonna start this. Are you ready? Yeah. All right, now before we start, I do have a couple of questions, okay?
I need you to tell me. That mediums are scammers who prey on your grief for money? What is this? It's in my contract, no one can have bigger hair than me. Adam, she's going to contact the dead for me.
It's an age-old tradition. It sure is, a tradition of faking it and ripping people off.
Seances first became popular in America during the 19th century, when three young ladies named the Fox Sisters started charging admission to watch them communicate with the dead. If there be any ghosts in this room, may they knock. And if those ghosts think people should give us money, also knock.
As they grew up, the Fox Sisters became bona fide celebrities, touring and holding packed sessions multiple times a day. Sorry, darling, we couldn't possibly fit you in. We're talking to Shakespeare and Attila the Hun at noon. But later in life, Maggie Fox spilled the beans and revealed how they tricked their public, making knocking sounds using an apple on a string and writing secret messages with their feet.
I feel the spirit. Wait for it. Despite Maggie's confession, the spiritualism movement continued to this day and modern mediums still make bank. Famous mediums even have best-selling books and hit TV shows. Yes, TV shows that are totally real. That's right, the higher the hair, the closer to heaven. Okay, enough chit-chat. Let's start this reading. Oh, yeah, I'm feeling something very powerful. Oh, yeah, it's a presence.
Did you lose someone with a J name like a John, a Jack, a Julia? Yes, my grandpa's name was Jason.
Bam, that's it. Okay.
Oh, oh, oh, I'm feeling the pain. Oh, yeah, in my chestal area. Is there any type of thing that happened in that region area? Yes, it died of lung cancer.
Bada bingo, what you think about that, Mr. Everything, huh? Okay, so your grandfather's telling me, oh, something about a book. Why? Uh, I think he owned a book. And I saw it once.
That's it?
He wants me to tell you he cherishes those moments and he loves you. Boom, shut up, I'm done. That was amazing. How do you explain that? Simple.
She was doing a cold reading. Uh, who this? You're not a spirit. I did not summon you. Okay, can we cut? Mark Edward. He's a magician who went undercover as a psychic medium to research how they scam people.
I used to do everything she does for a living, and I can tell you exactly how it's done. Cold reading is a series of questions and statements that mine you for information without you even knowing it. First, the medium lists common names to guess at a match. And they start with just the initials so that you fill in the blank. Oh, yeah. I know tons of people with J names. And lots of them are dead. Mediums then offer details which sound specific, but are actually quite generic.
Chest pains could be lung cancer, heart disease, or really anything. Now, now, I sense that he died because of something in the chest. Or the head. Definitely someone in the body.
Finally, she offered a question phrased like a statement to make you do the work and make a connection. Honey, sugar, the book. It was real, right? Actually, no. Grandpa hated books. Now that I'm thinking of it, I was thinking of his TV guide. By using questions that could apply to anyone and judging your body language to see how you respond, mediums manipulate you into thinking they know things nobody else could know. And since they often work in group settings, if they don't get it right, they just move on to someone else in the room. I mean, how about you, haircut?
You know something about a book? No, somebody here must know something about a book.
Ugh! Why did I ever buy this?
Well, cold reading often seems supernatural because it's a truly amazing skill. But that's all it is, a really good magic trick.
And while there's nothing wrong with a little illusion, it is straight up unethical to take advantage of other people's grief for your own gain. I've even seen people lose their entire savings because a medium convinced them to hand it over. You scammer!
How do you even sleep at night? Okay, calm down. Everyone just take a minute. Close your eyes, okay, and just imagine smoke or whatever.
Poof, I'm gone. It's time for me to go, too.
Just kidding. It's an editing trick. See you every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
dropout | if_commercials_lasted_a_whole_year_clip_from_bad_internet_ep_6 | Okay, Carl, they've added every episode of Ray Donovan, so we are good to go. Well, then let's get our Donovan, on-ov-in.
Okay. Please select your ad experience, brought to you by Chomsky's Kettle Chips, the chips that go chomp. Oh, cool. If we watch a five-minute ad now, we can watch the entire show without a single commercial. We should do it. I hate commercials. Hold on. Or we can watch a one-year ad and never have to watch another commercial for the rest of our lives. Oh, yeah. Sounds good to me. Okay. Let's try it. Your one-year ad experience, brought to you by Chomsky's, will begin momentarily.
And remember, say nothing bad about the product. That last part was extremely specific.
Okay, I guess it didn't work? Or did it? No. Okay, that didn't work.
I don't know what I thought would happen there. I'm done.
Naomi? Hey. What's going on? Say the word. What?
Thanks for watching Bad Internet. If you liked that, you can watch the whole series at YouTube Red.
Come on. I'll take you. Don't be shy. Ew, your hands are clammy. Find your own way. |
cracked | if_every_fictional_company_held_a_job_fair | First time at the fair?
Yes, ma'am. I'm gonna be a mechanical engineer. Of course you are. We've got representatives from Oscorp, Cyberdyne, MomCorp, all kinds of companies looking for bright, loyal, new engineers. And chemists and laborers and administrative assistants and more. But you're definitely an aperture man. Anyone else need a lift?
It's fun! Yahoo! On a tropical island? That's so cool.
What do you guys do? Well, we're a new company, so we're not completely sure yet. We've got a few ideas, something with polar bears, science stuff, you know. Science stuff? I don't know.
Just sign up here, alright? We'll make up more later as we go along and let you know. I mean, seriously, you ever seen a polar bear up close? We do that. Just right up in there. Come work on a tropical island!
Are you an orphan? Yes, actually. What? Ignore him. Here, write down your email and we'll send you our newsletter. We've got- I'm an orphan too. It's sad, huh? Um, yeah. Yes.
Who should I be a dru- I want to go into marketing. Over here, young man. We've got many positions open in marketing. PR, research and development, custodial. A company's got to run, Master Wayne. Whatever you want to do, we've got a position for you.
Please be sad with me. Or, don't be sad any longer. Misunderstood? Feel alone?
Join the foot clan. Become a part of something. Or, you can join the Galactic Empire.
We have lasers. Every fucking year. We've got ourselves a natural- Alright, show off and save it for the field. How gifted do I have to be? Really gifted.
Like this? Come with me. Okay, so, you'll mostly be handling administrative duties, data entry and such. Wait, what? Hey guys, don't be yellow on the inside. Lotion? No, clean? No. Journal? This is harder than I thought it was going to be. Please subscribe to our channel. |
cracked | if_tv_commercials_invaded_the_real_world | Forcing Michael to hold large charts like this one make him easier to track and control. Additionally, as you can see here, when the chart becomes too large, Michael somewhat paradoxically becomes more volatile. But my proposed solution of not making charts that size counters the problem nicely, I think.
I need $11,000. That's your solution. You're gonna have him hold charts? Well, just to occupy his hands from... I have a question! So do I, actually. Take grab-ass on your own time, crackers! Oh! Well, my boner's gone.
Perry! Get in here! Hello, everybody! Hey, dawg! Killer! Hey, guys!
Good news and bad news time. Bad news is, the Monster Slam people add some notes for Dan's draft. Lose the New York location, and they don't like that the can just sit. Maybe it can stand. Or roll. You know, extreme. I mean, come on, guys, what's the slogan?
Best part of waking up! Close. I'm lovin' it.
It's taste the- Please shut up! Taste each according to his own means. The monster. Taste the monster.
Good news is, I landed the light beer campaign. So buy yourself some submarine wax. It's too late, Perry. Dan has told us all about your little white lies. I found it all, Perry. Fake letterhead, post dated checks, forged contracts. You didn't sell those ads at all. You just crammed our cracked content full of product placement, hoping to lure some big, juicy sponsorship deal.
America's the greatest land of all.
Starburst! On a highway around- Look, I just need a couple of days, okay? These condom bastards are ready to go, man. Disgust me! Now get out of my sight before I shoot you out of it! Pools! You'll never catch me! The botanical power of this fruit-infused shampoo is going to whisk me away to an island paradise! No! Pearbear takes me with you!
Oh! Oh, God. Why? Oh, God.
The blood is attracting jungle animals. Oh, they're swarming! Hey, hey, hey! Good catch, O'Brien. But we're still going to need to up that revenue. You and Swaim get on it.
That was hardcore! That was awesome, sir. That was awesome! Did you shoot that guy? Yeah. He was already, like, mostly gone. That's what was hardcore. My boner is back!
We got to get a chart. Let's get a chart.
Oh, no one's ever thought of that.
Sometimes I feel like you just don't hear me. Like you're just not listening. You're right out of town. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_prof_greg_dart | If Shelley's one of the greatest poets in English literature, how come nobody gives a shit about him today? That's a complicated question. Wordsworth wrote, I wandered lonely as a cloud, but clouds don't have legs, do they? So how was he allowed to get away with that kind of stuff? To find out more, I went to speak to an expert. Who was Rom? Among the romantics, you mean?
Yeah. Um...
William Godwin was quite wrong. He believed that there should be no laws at all in society.
Not, who's Rom? Rom? Uh, is there a Rom? Yeah, the one that wrote all the poems and signed them, by Rom.
Yeah, that was his family name, Byron. Lord George Byron.
Oh, right, okay. Yeah.
Who was the man from Nantucket that Byron wrote about in his poem? It's the one that goes, there was a young man from Nantucket. Is that Byron?
I think so, it's really good. So how did it end?
What exactly was Jane Austen? Jane Austen was a woman from Hampshire who wrote novels.
Is that it? Yes, that's it, absolutely.
When are they going to translate Jane Austen's books into proper English? You know, from like ancient English?
Because they're sort of hard to concentrate on, aren't they, now that we've got like phones and stuff? Well, she's not that hard, really.
The sentences have sometimes got some nice balancing clauses with a lot of humour in them. Why do they keep making Jane Austen's books into films and TV shows? There's only about five of them, isn't there? Whereas like there's 50 Mr Men books and they haven't done all of those yet. I think there are lots of reasons for that. People love the love stories, they like the costumes. They're also wonderful books with lots of opportunities for humour. Are we talking about Jane Austen or Mr Men?
Probably both. Yeah. Who's your favourite Mr Man? Mr Tickle, probably. Yeah, or Mr Tickle. With that kind of stuff. To find out more, I went to speak to an expert. Who was Ron? Among the romantics, you mean? Yeah. Um...
William Godwin was quite wrong. He believed that there should be no laws at all in society.
Not, who's Ron? Ron? Is there a Ron? Yeah, the one that wrote all the poems and signed them by Ron.
Yeah, that was his family name, Byron. Lord George Byron.
Oh, right, OK. Yeah.
Who was the man from Nantucket that Byron wrote about in his poem? It's the one that goes, there was a young man from Nantucket. Is that Byron?
I think so, it's really good. How did it end?
What exactly was Jane Austen? Jane Austen was a woman from Hampshire who wrote novels.
Is that it? Yes, that's it, absolutely.
When are they going to translate Jane Austen's books into proper English? You know, from like ancient English?
Because they're sort of hard to concentrate on, aren't they, now that we've got like forms and stuff? Well, she's not that hard, really.
The sentences have sometimes got some nice balancing clauses with a lot of humour in them. Why do they keep making Jane Austen's books into films and TV shows? There's only about five of them, isn't there? Whereas like there's 50 Mr Men books and they haven't done all of those yet. I think there are lots of reasons for that. People love the love stories, they like the costumes. They're also wonderful books with lots of opportunities for humour. |
TheOnion | Being_A_Detective_Who_Talks_To_Ghosts_Not_As_Exciting_As_TV | Joining us today on Today Now is a real-life clairvoyant Medium who actually uses his amazing abilities to help police solve crimes. Leonard Higgs, welcome to Today Now.
Thank you. Thank you so much for coming in. It's an honor to meet you.
My daughter loves Medium, just loves that show. She was so excited to find out that we were going to have a psychic on the show today. Well, honestly, shows like Medium, they tend to foster a lot of misconceptions.
Really? The everyday work of being a conduit between law enforcement agencies and the supernatural world is a lot less glamorous than what most people think. It's mostly a lot of paperwork. Well, what about your techniques that you use? The other night, I saw this movie where this psychic detective solved this crime because he was able to read blood writing on the wall. Ooh, creepy, creepy. Honestly, I've only seen blood writing two or three times in my career. Really? Usually a message from the spectral realm is something much more mundane like an odd arrangement of rocks. So once you get a sign, how do you know what it means? Yeah. Well, it depends. I remember a specter a few years ago, he kept stealing all the clothes off of a clothes line. Interesting.
It had nothing to do with our case whatsoever. It didn't? No. I still don't know why he did it.
Oh. Well, our producers rounded up some clips of psychics in action. Right. Let's take a look. Oh, scary. Well, see, no good clairvoyant medium would scream like that. No?
That's just very unprofessional. Oh, now, this is neat. Here, Patricia Arquette's character in medium is getting a message about a death from a microwave. Something like this is just not very realistic. Clues that you get from visions, they're not obvious like that.
No, that's legal. It's not an issue over the head like that. Exactly.
It's because a lot of ghosts give false information. On purpose or are they trying to? No, they don't do it on purpose.
No. They've just been dead so long, they don't know what they're talking about. Really? Yeah. Some are just jerks, though.
You know, it would be neat if Leonard could communicate with a ghost right here in the studio right now. Oh, now, that would really be something. That'd be helpful. Now, I've already talked to your producer about this. It just wouldn't make for very compelling TV.
I have to sit in silence for a very long time before I could contact anyone. I need more than an hour.
Well, Mr. Higgs, I know we are all proud of the work you're doing out there. Thanks.
How to tell if an employee of yours is faking breast cancer, don't go away. |
dropout | Teaching_a_First_Timer_in_the_Bathhouse | Hello everyone, welcome back to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am your host, Jess Ross, back with us.
Woo! You know the moves, you know the noise. It's big. It's very good. Woo!
I'm so happy to be back. I'm so happy you're back.
It's been a really dry few weeks, Jess. I know. It just hasn't been the same without you. We haven't gotten as wet without you here either. A little drier on our end too.
Wow, that's really touching. That's friendship. Thank you guys so much for being here, whether you are listening to us wherever you get podcasts, if you're catching up with us a week behind on CH2 on our YouTube channel, or our favorite way, if you are subscribed to Dropout and you are seeing it first there, we're so happy to have you here and part of our book club. The best part about being on Dropout, for us at least, is that you guys get to be on the Discord and really feel like you're part of the book club with us As always, I have some of my favorite comments from the Discord.
Are you my dad? Said Andy has the funniest non-speaking ever. So just watching his facial reactions. So Andy was our guest on. Oh, Andy PCS? Yes, yes, yes.
He's a freak. I know him from New York. He's a total freak.
I don't know if you listen to that one or watch that one, but I truly embarrass myself in front of him, which was also a great goosh or gush debate. I misread gush as goosh, and then I showed it to him and he went, that says gush. So that got talked about a lot on the Discord.
Ian Adams said that he loved Janie. We did too, Ian.
We love having her on as our co-host. She's a great gal.
Kirby said you read a bear book. Yeah, you read bear book erotica, and it wasn't gay.
And that's so true. It's true.
That would be you would think something with a bear, and it would be gay. We've had a couple with bears now. Sorry, I wasn't here for that book. Was that a literal bear? It wasn't like the? That was a bear shifter. He could shift into a bear. And you still mean the animal, right? Yes, a straight up bear, but they never made love when he was a bear. He would just kind of, when they'd make love, she would see his bear power behind his eyes and know what an animal he was. But then sometimes you would straight up be a bear and just go eat salmon. Maybe you'd dip his face in honey. It was like a Winnie the Pooh.
Yeah, he wore just a t-shirt. Just a t-shirt, ass hanging out, yeah.
And then the cutest comment was from Artificer Ellie, who said that they just were catching up on Erotic Book Club for the first time while they were gardening. And they were loving listening to it. It's the cutest little image. You're watering your plants while you get yourself wet.
Hell yeah. I also really loved, someone posted a picture of Gritty at the Pride Parade. We love that here at Erotic Book Club. What a beautiful. Yeah, we love Gritty. We love Philadelphia.
Unbeknownst to us, and this is a good segue into the next book, Philadelphia played a major role yet again. It was a character. Yeah, the fifth character of the show. Yeah, the fifth, as if there were even four.
Philly played a part, as well as many other things. The book was Teaching a First Timer in the Bath House by Tyrone Myler. And as I mentioned, it was in Philadelphia. So of course, we have a Philadelphia expert with us today.
Our guest Connie is here. Connie, thank you so much for being here.
Now, have you lived in Philadelphia? No. Oh, interesting. Have you ever been? No, but I've read about it.
Sometimes you get the most expertise when you're not stuck inside it. We probably don't see the Philadelphia that everybody else sees, because we're from there. I'm too in it. You're too attached. You're from it, so you don't really know it that well. Exactly. If you're in The Matrix, you can't observe it.
What's one of your favorite Philly facts? Did you know that they have a Hershey factory?
Oh. Oh my god.
A whole factory. I actually did. I went and played the flute there once with my band.
Oh, and Hershey. Christmas and Hershey, the sweetest place on Earth.
As much as we can sing. We can't sing that. I think that's all of it, though, so maybe we can. It doesn't really matter. And we're pro Hershey or not pro it, whatever we have to be.
The whole park smells like chocolate. I am so pro it. They're going to love that I mentioned it, because it's an incredible park. I filmed something at the Hershey Lodge once, and all the doors, the numbers that are written on it look like chocolate bars and stuff, and it's all brown and chocolatey looking.
Oh god. I love it there. Also, a famous erotic city. It is. It's definitely known for it. It's the city of brotherly love.
Exactly. Yeah. It's Jeanette Franklin. Is it what?
Benjamin Franklin. Benjamin Franklin, very erotic man. I think some of the founding fathers are hot.
I guess they're all bad, though.
I know he did this thing called air baths. What's that? Where you just sit naked for an hour. Oh, and we call that an air bath? You don't call that summer in New York.
You used to call that lazy bitch. Just lying around naked in your house. You're like, I'm being a lazy bitch today.
Well. Is he in a bathtub? No. That's speaking of bathtubs. Oh, it's his turn now.
We have another expert here. We have a regular old bathhouse expert, Jesse. Yes, hi. Thank you so much for having me. Jesse, can you explain why you're a bathhouse expert?
I worked at a hotel in Hollywood. And when I first started there, my boss was like, this used to be a bathhouse. And I said, oh, OK. And then he said, it's no longer a bathhouse, obviously. But people will probably come in expecting it to be a bathhouse. And he was right. I had a lot of people coming and asking if it was a bathhouse. And I had to say, no, it's just a regular hotel.
And they were very disappointed.
How often would that happen? Like how many times a week?
Most nights. Most nights when I first started, because they had just converted maybe a couple of years afterwards. So a lot of people, I'm not going to disparage anyone by saying they were on drugs.
But that energy of just like, is this still how it was? And I'm just, I had to be like, so I'm so sorry. It's not. It's just like a hotel.
I can get you a room. And then he was like, you can still have sex here. Yeah. You can jerk yourself off here. He was like, are there kids? If you rent a room, you can jerk yourself off anywhere. Yeah.
They'd be like, is there women here? And I'd be like, unfortunately, yes. Is there women here? I wish there weren't any as well.
But um. A hotel that doesn't allow women? That's not how it works. Whoa, cool. Can you stay overnight in a bathhouse? Yeah. Because he rented a room in this book. Oh, I thought that was like a private locker room. Type thing. There with a bed.
Because remember, he, well, I won't get ahead of myself. He said he didn't sleep there. Spoiler alert. He passed out there.
Oh. Yeah. You could, I don't know. At least the one that I worked at, I believe that you could, because they were hotel rooms. You could stay overnight. That makes sense to me.
Because if you're covered with like, you know, you need a shower and stuff like that. Or if you want to like actually have like a sex, like. Like a sex weekend.
Or a good night's sleep. Or something.
Private breakfast. Lazy bitch time. There's a continental breakfast at the bathhouse.
Ooh, wouldn't do that. Anyway. Well, we could jump into it.
So we usually say what characters are in the book. But it's really just from the perspective of the main protagonist. And we never get his name.
And I think that's interesting. Just like a real bathhouse. I think that adds to the anonymity of it all of like, oh, random hookups. Like, yeah, you don't know their names. You know? So that's interesting.
And it also puts us in his shoes. We can all be this young man.
Yes. I'd give my name in a bathhouse, probably. You would?
You know, like follow me on Instagram. Follow me on Instagram? Anything for the followers.
This guy didn't even see his people's faces, though. I know. Which is scary. But he could still whisper their name. I wonder for some people, that is kind of hot. We were talking. I think for me, not so much.
But I am sure there is something to like anonymous sex that's really hot. Or anonymous group sex like that. That's really hot.
That scared me. Because the first time it happened, and he said that he didn't see the face the whole time. I was so scared he was going to hear a voice and be like, dad?
I wasn't expecting that. Interesting. That would have been a shocker. What a twist. I read too much horror.
Teaching a first timer. Teaching an old timer.
Oh my god. Hold on. That's kind of more. I might have thrown up if that happened again. That would have been horrifying.
Well, we'll get to those sections later. Let's start at the top. So we meet our protagonist.
He recently graduated, or he started college in Texas. He describes kind of how it's a staunch conservative family and community that he has to pretend to be in a girl's with his friends. He doesn't date a lot, and they just think it's because he's a nerd.
Been there, done that.
He's too busy to date, they said. He's too focused on his career. What career? That's what I said. Working at the hotel that used to be a bathhouse. Focusing on that career. Too busy to date.
And then he's going to a convention in Philadelphia. And when he, so that's when I found out that the book happened to be taking place in Philadelphia. And he describes kind of like a getting off the bus moment, and there's like rainbows everywhere. And I know exactly where in Philly he's talking about. It's the gayborhood. And the streets are lined with rainbows, and there's rainbow flags everywhere. And it's like the cutest, prettiest part of the city. I wonder why he said, maybe he's from Philly, because I would say it in like San Francisco, or like West Hollywood.
He was at a starting college convention. He had to go. Did they ever say what the convention was? It was like, why is a kid? I kept forgetting his age, because they said he went to a convention.
I was like, oh, he's an older man. And then they kept describing his like teenage asshole. I was like, oh. He let you know. I think he kept forgetting his age, because he kept referring to himself with his teenage asshole. I know.
I would never call my asshole my 29-year-old asshole. My maturing 32-year-old asshole. My middle-aged asshole. My midlife asshole.
So when he's there, he kind of gets right to it. He looks at the local scene, and he finds a bathhouse. And he, I thought this part was interesting. He was like, not sure what a bathhouse was. And he was like, when I think of it, I think of like Roman swimming pools. With older guys. That's kind of what I thought of too when I thought of a bathhouse.
Me too. And it's funny, because the bathhouse that he looks up, when I picked this book, I was like, oh, the only thing I know about Bath's House is that Samson Street one that used to be right next to the Philly Improv Theater in Philadelphia that I perform at. And that is the one that he goes to. Woo! Wow. Yeah. I guess I assumed it was like Grecian.
They were like, I had aqueducts in my mind or something, and lots of water. Are there swimming pools? At bathhouses? Yeah. They're supposed to be at saunas. Mine had one. There was a sauna in this one. Yeah, my hotel had one. It had a swimming pool?
That's nice. I guess to cool off. I don't know. Yeah, I mean sexy times in pools. Like a naked pool. That's fun, right? I can get things going.
I guess it depends how much chlorine's in it. You got to keep it clean. A lot. That thing is all chlorine. It's just a pool of chlorine. Everyone's skin is burning.
So he goes in, the old man who's at the front desk hands him a locker key, and a towel, and a condom. Yeah. Which was nice as well. One condom, though.
Which he never opens. Never uses.
Condoms aren't used in this one. If you reveal a condom in the first act, you have to use it. Check out this condom. You have to use it in the third act.
I'm surprised he didn't just chuck it right at the top. Yeah, no. There's no literary significance to him not using the condom. It just almost seems like the author forgot. Yeah. Well, the guy forgot, too. He never used it.
Yeah. I guess I was like, but if, because then it mentions that he kind of puts on a towel. They get undressed and put on a towel. But where would you put the condom? Or kind of it seems like somebody could just come out of anywhere and you start getting at it. I think they should be kind of around. Yeah. Kind of like, like. It made me think when I'm training my puppy and you have to have treats everywhere because you never know when. Dear God.
Maybe you're supposed to just be wearing it the whole time. It's been a while since I've had a penis. Does it stay on if it's flossing?
Not well. I don't think, yeah, not super well.
It would probably fall on. So you would just have to be a wreck the whole time, too. I mean, you can't be. You could be. You're an odd mess. Is it easy to walk when you're a wreck? Yeah.
It's not easy to run, but it's easy to walk. He can't be like doing Olympian tasks right there. I don't think he's doing lunches in there.
Yeah. Yeah, I don't remember the line. It is a gem.
Like when he gave him the condom, the tone was like, oh, what is this? You know, like he's very innocent, which is great because I thought, I truly thought this was going to be like a love story, you know? That he was going to find love in this bathhouse. So I was very disappointed when it wasn't like a love story. There was no plot. It was just straight up sex. It was a little bit of a diary entry, this whole book.
I kind of liked that about it. I thought he was, and we'll get more into it, too, but like even he says he like is kind of awkward in this first scene and like going around, and there's like things that excite him. Like he sees the glory holes, and he instantly knows like he's drawn to them, and he knows he wants to do it, but he's too scared. And I was like, that is probably how you'd feel. Like it's like excited, but nervous. You haven't done it, but you know like just as soon as you see it, you connect with it. And I thought there was something really sweet and real about that.
I agree, and he got a little, the glory hole room he goes to because he passes the mirror room with the sex swings. And he's like, oh, I'm a little intimidated. And then he goes to the glory hole room, and he gets right to it. And there's the first guy he's like giving a blowjob to has a reasonably undersized package is what I wrote down. He did describe everyone's penis size more so than anything else about him. Because like some he's not very kind about.
Yeah, because I'm like, it doesn't matter, but I don't know what reasonably undersized is. That's an interesting. Probably it's average. Yeah, right? Can't you just say average? That's such a neg. You can just say average. Yeah. It was kind of a bitchy way to describe someone's penis. Yeah. She has reasonably undersized breasts.
One guy at the very end I feel so bad for. It's like one of the last guys that he's with. And he's just like this like old sad man with like a little chode.
Yeah. I was like, oh, God. Yeah. You didn't have to have sex with him. I know.
If you're like so judgy, whatever. He was probably like 35. What is an old, old man? Only a six pack man. Yeah. But I mean, honestly though, that's pretty old. I'm 34.
I was thinking, what's the etiquette? Because as it progresses, there are like a lot of people joining in on the sex. And what is the etiquette if you don't want to have sex with somebody? Yeah. Like if there's a whole group of people there, and everybody's kind of like coming in. Is it just like if you enter, you're up for having sex with everyone there?
I feel like that's wrong. That's like when you go to a TV set, and it's like if you enter this bar, we're filming. And you could set them whatever or something. That doesn't feel applicable to like sex. Does anyone know the rules? Maybe there's a sticker you could wear like at Not Scary Farm where you don't want to get scared. Or like a safe word. Not a safe word, but like a, yeah, I don't know. I feel like you could just be like, no, not you, old man.
You know? That would be so mean. No, not you. Something put in the light like no, never. I think something like ew, ew, ew. Just something nice like that. Get it away from me. Oh god, don't. You're chode. No chode. I think if you just kind of scream directly into his face. I don't know. If you're in a group sex and someone yells, no, not you.
Like you're going to go home and kill yourself, right? I feel so bad too. It's like the kid who gets picked last for like dodgeball or something. And it's sad. It's like I paid $10 to be here.
Nobody wants to fuck me. You're standing there naked and like, oh, does anyone? Oh, I think our team's full. But then that person will have a stigma on them the whole day, the whole night, you know? Like no one's going to want to fuck them now. They're going to be like, oh, you're the guy that that one guy who was letting everyone fuck him said no to. So we're not going to let you do anything.
Just go home. It's really sad.
But it didn't happen. It didn't happen.
He let him fuck him. Well, kind of hopping back to this first part. He does blow the guy with the average penis. And then the guy suddenly like stands up and is like uncomfortable or something and walks away. And then our protagonist feels bad. That feels true. Like you have one of your first sexual encounters.
And you're like, oh no, did I do something wrong? Especially if you don't know the person really well. And you're like, I can't ask them or something.
And this moment I like, but it was sort of a weird step to like, if this, then I do this. Because he's like, ah, I must go to Victoria's Secret and buy a thong and a mini.
It was his inciting incident. Yes. This guy was following structure. He read a writing book. His book was worth $2.99. Holy fuck.
I guess that to me, maybe this is my own ignorance. That did not strike me as like the next logical move. I thought it would just be more like him exploring.
I feel like I read this as a superhero book. And that was the moment where he was like, yes. And he was like, I'm going to become a superhero and fucking take as many dicks as I can the next time. And he goes, whoa. And then an ancient pre-cum ghost comes and says, Tyler, you have been bitten. You are the chosen one. And the skirt or his costume, like a superhero costume.
That's really cool. Yeah, that's how. And we'll get to it later. But he uses his superpowers later in the book. I love that. Actually, that really does change things for me. I really like that a lot.
Because he leaves. Yeah, he goes home. He showers.
Yes. He even wrote down. So that ended. And as he was home, he was like, thankfully, for the sake of the story, things didn't end there. For the sake of selling a book. I didn't just kind of suck somebody off and leave. Yeah.
And then go back to Texas. Yeah, after my freshman year convention in Philadelphia.
So he's thinking about it. He goes to Victoria's Secret. And I like the little run of shopping, too. Because everywhere he goes, he's stared at. He's stared at. And people are looking at him oddly.
Except for at the sex shop. Yes.
He said he got weird stares specifically from women. Which is like, grow up, ladies. Because he hates women.
Because also, I'm sure, if these people are being judgy as hell, like, why are you manning? We can't hear anything and shut the fuck up.
I don't think that would be that odd if a man was buying underwear either. It wouldn't be. But I can imagine.
This was written by a man who hates women.
Yeah, maybe. I can imagine there being instances where someone who's not traditionally catered to at Victoria's Secret getting lots of weirds. Especially because at Victoria's Secret, the people who work there are sometimes a little judgy. Sometimes.
At bra stores in general, they are judgy. I love every bra store.
No lie ball.
They could be just judgy about what you know about your own body and what you think you could fit into. Do they always want to measure you?
Literally, yes. Really?
They're always like, you're wearing the wrong bra size. You're like, it's not. Like they can tell you're wearing a trench coat? Every person that has worked at a bra store will always be like, I can tell by looking at you what bra size you're wearing.
They're always wrong. And they're always, no, you're always wrong, Connie. You're always wrong.
You don't know your boobs. You don't know anything about yourself.
This bitch tried to measure me and be like, you're a C cup. I'm like, no, no, no, no. I should have bet her money. Yeah. I bet you $10,000 I'm not a C cup.
I had a terrible experience once. I went to a store where it was supposed to be like, it's like your second skin, the bras. But because my boobs are very flat and my chest is wide, it certainly was not. And they didn't cater to my size. So it was a huge gap in it.
And when she came back, she was like, oh, well, you could just put some socks in there. And I was like, why the fuck am I buying a fit to my skin bra for like $40. That you stick a bunch of gym socks in.
Idiots.
Are you wearing it now?
And oh my god. Oh my god.
They smell horrible. These socks didn't go missing in the wash. Jess's boobs smell horrible, but look great.
Straight from my feet to my titties. Oh my god.
At the sex shop, this is an important little tidbit. He buys a butt plug and some lube.
Yes. And what else? Yeah, also a micro skirt. Yes, yes, yes. A micro skirt, a medium flesh, cock, butt plug, and a bottle of KY jelly. Yes.
And then I guess he goes back to the bathtub. He calls his parents. Wait, he goes back to the toilet and calls his parents. Oh, does he?
I forgot about that part. They don't get into the discussion.
He's like, and then I awkwardly call my parents. Which is so funny. Any time I do something bad in college, if I was drunk or something, then I would call and just be like, oh, hey, hi, I'm OK.
Just kind of telling on yourself, but not. Yeah. So he does that, and then he starts to kind of loosen up his ass hole a little bit. He puts in the jelly and the butt plug. I appreciated this detail, because I do feel like I don't read a lot about that kind of prep stuff with sex. Now, in the superhero movie, this is him suiting up. Perfect.
This is the telephone booth. Yes, where he's taking off his shirt. The telephone booth.
Yeah, and just like putting a butt plug up his ass hole. And he's ready to conquer the world. He takes off his glasses. Yeah, and he's finally handsome.
Actually, I honestly don't see. I really love this description. I really love that framing device.
One thing I did not like is that he calls it his stuffed little teen ass. Because even when he said he was a freshman in college, he's like, I don't really want to read about teenagers doing this kind of stuff.
And I'm like, I'm going to assume you're 18, but even then, that doesn't make it like, oh, this is hot. I'm just like, you're just legal. I would rather you be like 25. And regardless of your age, I absolutely don't need to preface your ass hole with your age.
I guess I didn't mind it as much in this one, because there were so many just like cute little awkward nervous moments where I was like, I remember being and feeling like that. It's like a nice little glimpse into somebody else's life. I think the only reason I didn't like it is because if a teen wrote this, I would be OK with it. If an older person wrote this, there's something that feels gross about it. An older person wrote this.
Yeah, and I think you're right, Connie. And that's what feels a little gross. I don't know. I said this before the thing, but I thought this young man had this experience and wrote it down, and everyone told me I was wrong.
Well, just by the end of it, you have to be wrong, for this man is split open somewhere in the middle of Philadelphia. Or he's a superhero. Philly's own. Red alert. Philly has an excess of cum. We need someone to absorb all of it.
Oh, and you know he would. But the city will explode. You know he would. Oh my gosh, the cum signal. And you know what?
And the invisible jet that Wonder Woman has, that's his swing. It's a pre-cum. His swing is that vehicle. It's the Batmobile is his swing. We'll get into the swing later, I guess.
But it's blowing my mind. He puts on his panties. He looks up a new club. He uses the directions on his phone to walk there. Which I also like that cute little detail. The thing that struck me is he's walking with his butt plug in his ass.
Is that not real estate? I was going to ask. How does that work? I've never done it. Yeah.
Never walked with one? Never walked with a butt plug in my butt.
I imagined it was a very John Travolta kind of sashaying down the street type moment. Like, yeah, you can't say that, by the way.
We know what that looks like. I think we're on the same page. Yes, yes. I think I get it.
He says his cheeks are sticking together because of the KY jellies squishing. Would it be like a stilted walk? I'm trying to think, almost like trying to hold something in there. No, it would be in there. So I think it would just be like, ugh, ugh. Yeah, it would just hurt with every. Maybe hurt good. I was wondering that too, yeah. I'm going to sing a bit.
I couldn't picture it. I couldn't picture me doing that. Yeah. So maybe that's not a realistic detail. I couldn't picture me walking period.
Yeah. That's a long walk. Yeah. So he gets to Club Philadelphia. There's videos playing around of porn. I like how I screen shotted this part. It's like, oh, and by the way, did I mention there's gay porn playing everywhere? Yeah.
He specifically says a young man getting stretched and mounted by military men, which, thank you for your service. Woo! He saw one man jerking off to the video a solid seven inches. That's his superpowers.
He can tell how big their dicks are just by looking. Just look into his ruler eyes. Like that iPhone app that can measure your cat or whatever. You should go to a carnival and always guess the weight. Yeah, I can't guess your age, but I can guess your dick size.
Step right up. Yeah.
Pack measurements. I'm not a day over seven.
He goes to his room. He slides out the butt plug, applies more lube, puts it back in. He's got a skirt on. His ass cheeks are hanging out. And he says he's feeling sexy and dirty. And he's loving it. He loves it. I was liking this a lot. Yeah. I'm so happy for him. He walks around. He sees the group showers. And then he's so excited to see the glory hole.
Yes. He does. I will say that he does pass by something called the slurp ramp. Yes.
Which was not. It was sort of explained. But I guess. I had to look it up. I did too. I do have the definition. Oh, you do? There is a definition.
A raised platform with holes allows men to give and receive fellatio. Is it worth the same? Hey, who knows how to Google, huh?
But I feel like, yeah, he was disappointed because he was like, oh, that takes away from being on your knees. He likes the knees part. He likes being on your knees.
I liked a lot of these little micro preferences because that does feel like there are some things that maybe seem like they're better. That some people are just like, actually, I like it this other way.
And maybe that's part of his power is super strong knees. I have bad knees, so I would have loved this. Oh my god. Finally, a break for my knees.
Well, it's not sexy being doing that, and then you're like, oh, OK, let me get up now. You just feel like, oh. With the slurp ramp, make everything in your life easier.
There's also a large wooden X with straps, which I imagine was like what they put Theon on on Game of Thrones, what Ramsay puts him on, which made that whole thing like, maybe that was supposed to be a little sexy too. I'm sure Ramsay got off on that.
There's a steam room, couple going at it. They don't seem to mind the attention. We're having somebody watching.
And then we get back to these glory holes. Yes. I thought this scene was hot. I liked the glory hole stuff. I like when he describes he looks through the hole, and he tugs on the guy's towel, and then it falls. I was like, that's nice erotica. Yeah. That's nice erotica.
It is funny to think of a little hand coming through a black hole. One logistics question I had is, how big is the hole? I think it must be big enough for him to get his hand in. Because in Indian culture, you wear bangles, and they're very tight. And even sometimes if they look like they fit, this part of your hand is so wide. Sometimes it's like a big squeeze. So I was like, how big is this hole? It was probably the size of a Pringle can.
A Pringle can? Yeah. If you want to comfortably get your hand in and out while holding something. OK. Interesting. So if you guys could imagine a Pringle can. Every time you reach into a can of Pringles, imagine that you're pulling on a dick. And we all know the slogan for Pringles. OK. So he's jerking him off through the hole. I did write down, he describes the Pringle slogan as Slurp. Slurp. With that guy winking. Yeah. Oh, new pizza flavored Pringles. Slurp.
Oh my god. I'm like sweating. This is so nasty.
He does describe his, as he's jerking him off and his penis is getting bigger, he describes the man's penis as a thick salami. Hanging erect. Semi erect. And then he starts to suck him off. He's moaning. There's saliva going down his chin. A lot of prey cotton. He gagged.
That felt very realistic too. I appreciated that detail a lot because I don't think I see that as much. He even coughs, which I'm like, that feels real. But then it got too real because it was coming out of his nose. It was. And that's when I was like, this is upsetting. This is upsetting. I kind of appreciated it.
This guy keeps it real. He keeps it fucking real.
He's not here to glorify. I don't know if I had it come out of my nose though. Well, you didn't try hard enough, Jess. Also, you weren't a superhero. Clearly the person wasn't pre-cumming enough.
Oh, damn. Someone fact check me on this. Can anyone pre-cum this much? I would say yes. Really? I think so. OK. There are some. Maybe I'm not doing anything right because this seems like a lot of pre-cum. This seems like eight ounce glass of milk level pre-cum. I don't want to think about that. That is the level of pre-cum we're talking about. It's not as small. It's like tall. You know, truly, I mean, a lot of uncut guys who are not circumcised pre-cum a lot more. Really? Circumcision plays into that? I believe so. I might be just making this up. But from my experience.
Don't fact check this.
I believe it's true that a lot of guys that are uncircumcised pre-cum a lot more. Interesting.
Is it because there's something wrong with them? Is it because they're nasty? Is it because God hates them?
It's something to do with their foreskin, I think. I also have one guy who wasn't circumcised. And I don't remember more pre-cum than usual.
I do remember the first time I saw it, it was erect. So it just looked like all the other ones I had seen. And then it wasn't until it went down when I was like, oh, which was interesting.
Yeah. And he was from France. And that's apparently a French word. This is the second international little boy I've heard you.
I won't say little. I didn't mean to say little. Hey, I can't even write, baby.
I had a good time. OK, saliva going down the chin, coming out the nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, another interesting part, which I didn't realize this was a thing, was that after all of that had happened, then he turned around and put his butthole into his mouth. And I traditionally only knew a glory hole to be sucking off. I like that. Yeah, that's common. Cool purpose.
I've seen it. Not live, but I've seen it in videos before. The concert on video. The Eagles live. But yeah, I've seen that before.
But he goes seriously from 0 to 100 so quick. And I think that's his superpower moment. He's hulking out a little bit and just going for it all. Yeah, he's got so much going on because he's also tending to the butt plug. He's double, he's skewering in a few short moments. Like going from the first night where he barely sucked a dick and then felt self-conscious to now is wild.
Wasn't this all within maybe less than 24 hours? Yes, I would say so. Crystal birth. It could be. OK. Oh, yes. OK, wait.
So he's being skewered at this point because he has his butt hole in one hole. And then he's kind of leaning against a wall on the opposite side. And there's a glory hole on that side too. And he's That's called being skewered?
That's what this book called it. I don't know. When it's a girl, they say it's double-teaming. Oh, OK. I prefer the Chinese finger trap. Oh, interesting. It's so beautiful.
Every culture has a dumpling. Every culture has a donut. Every culture has a name for it. I don't know if it's cultural.
That's just what I call it. Skewers across the world, like hands across America. That's really beautiful. So beautiful.
But during this, one of my favorite lines of the book, he goes, suddenly one of the newcomers realized, because a lot of people are watching. Suddenly one of the newcomers realized I was wedged between a cock and a hard place. At that point, I I was like, this book, that sentence was written. And then this book was written around 100%. Yeah, that line jumped out at me, too. It kind of took me out of it.
Because it was too punny. It was too punny.
Yeah, like he looks to Cameron. He says it while he's got a dick in his mouth and in his asshole.
Maybe that was like a publisher's note of like, maybe it was a rock and a hard place. We need a pithy, like the movie poster tagline. A publisher, that's their only note.
I don't mind the typos. There was a bunch of fucking typos. Yeah, don't fix all these typos.
But if you can make it a cock and a hard place, then we'll get this on Amazon, baby. Via the Wall of Observers, I did write down the line, Wall of Observers all furiously pumping their hard cots. It reminds me of the Titanic, the lower deck. So I think the cold, which is like a furious, like steam-like assembly. I thought you were going to say like the violinists.
They like keep playing. They keep playing when the ship goes down.
And they're just loving it. They're just loving it. Oh my god. So yeah, once kind of these two join in, then everyone starts to hear how much fun they're having. And really, everyone starts to jump on board. Which is beautiful. They also beat mercilessly on my prostate. Yes. Which it's so funny because I know that that is anatomically what is happening.
To me, mentions of the prostate take me, it's a little too clinical for me. It didn't feel very sexy. Do other people like it?
That we don't get it. Yeah, I think you don't get it.
Because for me, I was like, oh, OK, cool. Good for him. Yeah, good for him.
Does that mean it's like really getting in there? Yeah. To me, that evokes like prostate checks and like prostate cancer and like older men. It's just more clinical. Yeah.
I didn't mind prostate, actually. OK. Yeah. Maybe I just heard it so much in like a medical, like commercials, like kind of thing for like men health checks and stuff. I have too, but I didn't mind it. OK.
That's great. See, this is what's beautiful about erotica. This is beautiful. I love it.
Here's something I found strange. He calls one of them a wild animal. I think animal. He bleeps out the N-I-M-A. And it all fits. I wrote it down. If animal fits, and I can only imagine that's what it was.
I'm like, you have said some pretty raunchy stuff. Are you like peed out? Like why are you not saying animal? Also, he mentions dicks in the form of like horses, you know? So he like really, you know, describes their horse dicks and like thrust me like a horse. So that part was intense because it also talked about how you could almost like see the penis like in the throat.
I was like, like a snake eating a deer. Or like a, I would say an egg. An egg? I've seen snakes eat eggs before. Oh, and I see what you're talking about. They're like chicken's eggs. Yeah. Snakes eat eggs. Who do you think he snakes eat? Well, eggs are included. We're saying like it's that look of like you can see the thing in front of a deer. You didn't know snakes ate a snake?
I mean, it would rip it open. It would rip.
I saw a video of like a really big snake eating like a crocodile. Like an anaconda. And then both of them died. I think I saw that video. That's a metaphor for war. One of the first videos I saw was on Windows. They had like the encyclopedia floppy disk, you know? Yeah.
And like it was like just a snake eating an egg. I'm imagining like scrambled. No, no, no, no. Just like a full egg.
Yeah, first he gets his little hands and he puts it on a skill list.
Oh, they browned. Oh, wow. Oh, I wanted them over easy. Salt, pepper. But it was like, fine, Rekka. It was like a snake eating a deer. Yes, that's what it looked like. Thank you. Yes, yeah.
The dude comes. He calls him a Philly fucker in his mouth. That's the Philly special. The Philly fucker. It's Wiz, baby. And then he gets a few more in. And then there's one point he has three cocks in his face at once.
So after that happens, I think, especially if it were my first time, I would need like, OK, I need a shower. I'm going to go to my room. I need a nap. Not for him. I need a snack.
He has three. And then he takes them all on at once, one in the mouth and two in both hands.
Now, this is the point where I don't know if I can say this movie, but it's a movie. And like there's a famous hallway fight scene, you know? Are you going to say John Wick? No. Because I wrote John Wick in my notes. OK, old boy where he fights people with a hammer down a hallway. And that's what reminded me of this, you know?
Because so many people were coming at him. Oh, it's like Neo in the Matrix. They're all the Mr. Smiths. Our little dick's coming at him. Yeah. But he's just like, instead of hitting them, he's just sucking them off, you know?
And so he's just tearing through this whole bathhouse. I think I thought of John Wick because he goes into detail of walking into the place and you see each room. And you're like, oh, I know he's going to come back and just fuck shit up in this room. Like when John Wick walks through the glass room for the first time, I'm like, oh, this is going down in this room soon.
Or he walks by the lava thing. I'm like, somebody's going in that lava pit. In the movie version of this, he's going to walk by a room full of plugs. Yes.
Also in this scene, another quote that really stuck with me is someone put hot gravy into my greedy ass, just like the slut I knew I had become. What do you all think of hot gravy in my greedy ass? Well, that's disgusting, I think.
Just the color. Just the color, you know?
Gravy. Some gravy's whites. Oh, you're right. True. Like a grape of biscuit gravy. Chili's has chili. The rest.
Shut.
Which day? Connie? Which day? Connie. Which day does it have?
Sorry. There's a chain restaurant famous for having mashed potatoes with a white gravy that's quite tasty, you guys. Wow. They put the potato skins in there. OK. When you're reading this, we want you to think of two things. One, we want you to think of Pringles. Two, Chili's white gravy. Think of that going in your greedy little ass at an early bird special. Because I think brown, like brown gravy, traditional gravy. Thanksgiving dinner. And that sounds disgusting coming out of a penis. But if you think about it as Chili's gravy, then it's hot. What if you said chowder? That's even more gross because there's chunks in chowder, and that's just a whole other thing. OK. But maybe it tastes better than cum.
Condensed milk. Condensed milk is good.
A Thai iced tea. Oh my god. If men came to Thai iced tea, I would be sucking their dicks nonstop.
No boba.
But Kate, I would not. Kate, bye.
Thai iced tea, here I come. Not after 6 PM, too much caffeine. Unlimited refills and Thai iced tea.
Or just like warm Cinnabon icing. That's what would get me. Or like, yeah, I think Cinnabon icing. I know that it don't taste like that. I know, but if I have one note for the author, I'd be like, just change that to hot Cinnabon icing. Cinnabon. If you were the publisher. When you get the can of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls, and then the icing comes in the separate tubes. Oh my god. Or that little like the Domino's Cinnam sticks, and you just get that like.
He was definitely having a manic moment that I think people have. But the second after they come, all of a sudden they're going to sober up and be like, I need to get out of here.
Yes, yes. Totally.
So he is with all these guys. And then everybody comes.
And he's like covered in cum, and he's like, I got to go take a shower. But the shower is through the.
Mirror room. The Ramsey room.
This is the John Wick moment, where he has to get to the shower. But in order to get there, he has to go through so much. Yeah, I feel like a video game John Wick moment. So he gets in there. And then just instantly they see him, and they're like, you.
And they like hoist him up on the swing or on the X? It's the swing. I think it's the swing.
He also describes himself as like a sight, an unusual sight to see. Unique sight for even there.
I stood skinny and toned with a firm ass. And I was like, you can get over yourself just a little bit. There's a lot of ages of shit happening in this book that I did not like. I'm like, yeah, you're a teenager, and congratulations. Chill the fuck out. I can see both sides, because he was so down on himself, and everybody else was kind of dead. He felt so insecure that I was like, if this is your moment, and for the first time I felt like you're coming into your own, and you are in your glory moment.
Is it because he has green hair? Does he have green hair? Did you see the cover of the book? Which, if he looks like the cover of that book, you are not allowed to feel so bad. He looks like cowboy bebop, but with green hair.
When your friend, who's like a supermodel looking person, is like, I'm so ugly. I'm shy. And you're like, shut the fuck up.
Well, the cover, if you guys show the cover, it's an anime looking guy with green hair. So the whole time while I was reading this, I was imagining a guy with green hair getting fucked in a bathtub. So maybe that's why he was getting those stares? Oh, because he has green hair.
Oh. He's like Cosmo from the Fairlight Oddparents. He's like. He's just like that. That famous anime character.
But here's the thing that kind of took me out of it. He said no, didn't he? Wasn't he when they were hoisting him up on the chair? Or the swing with him? I think he was like.
I don't remember that. I feel like he was like, no, no, I don't want to. That sucks. I don't remember that.
I thought he recognized the guy from earlier. He did, his salami dick guy. Yeah, he met the salami dick through more than just the glory hole. And they could instantly tell that they were.
Then maybe I read it wrong. Maybe I read it wrong. I did read it last night, so it was late. Here's something I didn't like. So this whole time, because the covers cannot necessarily be trusted with some of these books. We have encountered this in the past.
I was like, OK, it's kind of cool that you have no description for this guy. He could be anyone. He could be you. He could be me. Whatever. At this moment, he goes, and then a black guy came in. I was like, he's white.
Everyone in the book is white. Everyone's fucking white.
And then he calls his penis a long charcoal rod. I literally wrote, no, thank you. You've never met a black person, and I hate you. You've never seen a black dick if you call it a charcoal rod.
You're disgusting. Shut up.
The author's name is Tyrone. He's a white guy named Tyrone. Or he's a white guy named Michael, who's like, what's my fantasy name? Tyrone Myler, which is maybe an anagram, like a fucking palindrome.
And then someone was quickly jackhammering his teenage boy pussy, forced in his ass, hot, sticky salt spray. Hot, sticky salt spray. I didn't like that one. It's so exciting that you put in your hair like a little mist to give it waves. Yeah, to give it texture. Hot, sticky salt spray.
So if we are tracking this in terms of storytelling, this is the final battle. This is the final battle with him in that swing, yeah. And this is him just taking every fucking person he can get, even that old man with the chode. And he's just trying to get through it.
It felt like reading, if you were watching a really heated basketball game, it felt like reading a description of it. It was so fast. Everything was happening. I couldn't keep track of all the players.
When you're in a sex swing, do you just lie there, or you actually push like a swing swing? I imagine you're going to be rotated around, head swing, what would you be to be in a swing? Makes sense.
So it's very much like a lot of nauseous. He's already full of cum. What's he going to do, puke? Yeah, he's already like gagging. There's saliva everywhere.
Creamies on the hot sitting wall, yeah. I loved this part when he was getting fucked on the swing that three dudes watching all like blew their load at once. It reminded me of like fireworks or something.
Canons, yeah. Shoot the cannons.
How long do you think he was at the bathhouse? 20 minutes. I was going to say like 11 whole minutes later. That would be crazy if all of this happened in like 11 minutes.
A comedy sitcom without commercials. Yes, this could be on like Adult Swim, like as one of those late nights. Imagine that. You're binging something. This is one episode. Then what do you do?
When he's walking up, the guy that gave him the condoms is like, wow, you were there for a record long time. Oh, this was the sad one. It was like everybody fucked him. And then this sad little nerdy dude came up, and he said, a nerdy looking fellow slid his five inches into my mouth, which I swallowed easily, grunting like a hog. But at least he took it, right? How was the guy nerdy?
He had glasses. Glasses.
They were a lot of steam room. They got all steamed up. I imagine the author got really excited writing this part because there were a particularly high amount of typos. So one of them I wrote down was, my mouth was filled and overflows. My eyes were drenched.
Anyway. Are you sure it's not a haiku? Oh my god, wow, it is. It's a perfect haiku.
Anyway, at this point, he leaves. He goes back home. He goes back home covered in cum.
He never takes that shower, which really bothers me.
He brushed his teeth. It said that he had cum in his hair. He had cum in his hair. It was dripping down his chin as he walked and turned his head. And that shit doesn't dry properly.
You are going to look like a cobweb. I was going to say, he's going to look like a candle in a few minutes. He's going to look like Lumiere. He's going to look like a melted candle in a few minutes.
Yeah, he just passes out in the bed, having only brushed his teeth and used some mouthwash. He's going to wake up not. He's going to definitely have pink eye.
That's one of those. Mwahahaha.
And then I woke up and both of my eyes had pink eye.
That's one of those things where if you're tipsy at night and you're like, oh, I don't want to take my makeup off. You have to because you're going to be so mad at yourself that you didn't the next morning. You just have to. He's going to be stuck to the bed. If you're covered in this much cum, I'm sorry, buddy. You have to take it. And you've got to put those clothes in a bag. Yeah, it might feel hot at the moment. But I'm telling you, when you wake up, you're not going to be able to open those eyes. Your eyelashes are going to rip off.
I was trying to think of what my ideal version of it bathhouse would be. And I think it would have to be a room where it's like, you get together with the group. And you all just get to chat for a bit and have some snacks and wine and get to know each other. And then you walk through the shower room. So it's the hangout room, the lounge, then the shower room, then the sex room. You guys all have sex and have fun. And it's all consenting. And you all know that you want to be together. And then you all go and take a shower. And then if you want to go back, you could do it again. But we shower in between every session.
You know what this sounds like? It sounds like a Viking's piece. Oh, I'm such a Viking. I know. And there'd be furs all in the lounge. I know. And you're all drinking juice. I'm definitely a Viking, for sure.
But the sum up was he passed out and slept. He can only hope he gets the chance to go back to Philly one day. What a sweet little ending for this little paradise day he got before his convention. Now, I think I was saying this before. I'm like, could it be that that first day he did just go home, you know? And then this was all a dream, like a Wizard of Oz situation.
I mean, I love that, too. How does that go into the superhero?
Oh, these are just different theories. Different band theories?
I think it's really funny that he thinks he has to go to Philly for all of this to happen. We were talking about that.
I know Texas is super conservative. But there's got to be Austin. Go to Austin. Yeah, go to Austin.
Great guacamole and probably better bath houses. Beyonce's from Houston. I'm sure there's a bunch of gays there. You're close to Mexico.
Why are you going all the way to fucking Philly? You might not have a passport. We'll take the tourist. Well, if anyone would know, Connie, wouldn't it be you, our Philly expert? I'd do it, but I also like to travel to Philly for?
The Hershey factory. This is a different meaning. The Hershey factory. I could make love at the Hershey factory. Oh my god. Just the smell of chocolate on the conveyor belt. I love Lucy. Where they take out the nuggets, yeah. Do you think this would have been better if it took place at the Hershey factory? Oh, yes. I mean, I think there would have been weird puns on Hershey factory, because it's a poop with chocolate at a heart place.
If there was some type of a hot chocolate hot tub, and then you could lick the hot chocolate off of each other. But this dude, when they're in the shower, he's going to go home in bed and roll around chocolate in his sheets. That's an issue, for sure. It'll probably dry, you know? You'd be like an Easter bunny. It's like hotel room. If you go into the hot chocolate hot tub, you have to shower both before and after is the rule. There needs to be, I think, a bit more cleanliness rules for me.
I agree, especially if it's all anonymous and stuff. But I love that they can go there and just have a blast. It sounds fun. I thought it was a cute little way to wrap this up. Yeah. I thought so, too. So guys, we normally rank these books on a scale of one to five.
One being, dry as a desert. You were dry as hell when you read this.
Five being, you slid off your chair. If you had to rank this book, how would you rank it? I would say four.
Oh, god, is that not true? No, it's a high rating.
Yeah, the descriptions were very, you know, very specific. Yeah. And I was like, OK, OK. Now, there were some times it took me out of it, like between the cock and the hard place and that black man with his charcoal rod and also the horse references. Maybe I'm going down to a three. You can also do point, you know, three. Yeah, 3.5, whatever. Oh, then you know what? Because of those last reasons, I would say 3.5. OK. Yeah. Cool. I was going to say a 4.8.
Oh, wow. It was pretty hot, but it had so many typos. Yeah. My eyes drench. It was legit insanity. Nothing sexier than good grammar. And also logistics.
I'm just like, what convention did you go to, you teenage boy? Why did you go from Houston to Philly when you're starting college?
This is insane. And it's just things like that irk me. It'll take me out of it. But it was a hot, hot piece.
Philly also isn't this like liberal Mecca. Like there's certainly like very liberal people there, but there's also like we have the Mummers parade. We got a lot of issues. Yeah, I was going to say, it's also a very angry city. Don't you have the Klan in Philly?
Yes, we have it. But they can still be gay, right? I mean, it's just like when you think hot gay sex, I'm like, let's go to Philadelphia. Yeah. I don't think. I mean, that's where I've had some of my best, I will say.
Not in a bath house. In my house. That has a bath.
In the Chase Bank. At the cafe lounge at the Chase Bank.
Oh my god. Yeah, what would I give it? I think I'm in like a 3.75. OK, wow. These are pretty good. I did find, I liked having a glimpse in something. It was almost like I felt a little bit like him.
I didn't know. I knew bath houses were a thing, but was pretty ignorant as to what exactly went on in them or what it was.
Was it like a gym? Like I thought maybe there's sports equipment there and you like work out. But then there's also a pool where sometimes people have sex. So I didn't realize they had so many facilities there that were specifically for just all kind of getting together and having this experience, which I just liked learning about that.
And yeah, the book had some issues. But overall, I thought I loved his journey from just being really awkward and shy to really blossoming from a little caterpillar to a butterfly.
Yeah. Covered in cum. Oh, cum covered butterfly.
Yeah, I can barely fly. I'm so weighed down.
I would give this book, I'm between a 2.75 and a 3. Maybe a 3.
Because I really appreciated the same things you said, Jess. Like the details of that stuff I am ignorant about. I similarly have like the Roman kind of thing in mind when I thought of bath houses. So I really appreciated the details in this book. Like I love that little towel scene. I wrote that.
That was very hot. Some of the descriptions were really hot.
The things that took me out, I mean that black guy thing at the end, I was like, I mean, y'all know me by now. I'm like, where are the people of color in any of these books? And I was like, oh, I hear you. I was like, wow, what a refreshing book. I know. Colors and descriptions besides like penises weren't really even brought into it. It's like, we're just here.
He could be anyone. Everyone could be anybody. He could have been any race. I could be him.
And it was like, OK, you're all white. Great. Perfect. Thank you. Oh, the default. In Philadelphia, those, OK. So I hated that.
But I thought it was a cute little wrap up. I kind of, even though I also thought maybe this would be a love story, I actually kind of liked it. It was just like a hookup story that's like, you know what? I just found myself one weekend. I had a good time. And that's step one of my journey.
He fell in love with himself. In a hopeful love of himself.
He taught himself. He was the one teaching the first timer. Oh, he's the teacher. The student has become the master.
Literally sex of the city. It is pretty much sex in the city.
Well, that is it, everybody. Thank you so much for listening and watching. Our next assignment, if you read along, I think you guys will be excited. We have part two of our Alfie story.
So we are going to be reading chapters five to 10. Or six through 10, right? Or six through 10, sorry. So originally we read one to five. Now we're reading six to 10.
And we know that the author is adding more stuff. We will try to keep up. It's just easier to do it in chunks like this. Yeah, so we're super excited because we know everyone. You guys had all mentioned how it really picks up after that fifth chapter.
So I'm excited to see. I did check on the site. There was a super cool picture of Alfie with this really hot chick as the newest thing that had happened. So I was like, damn, I'm excited to get into this. I got to know what happens with Lydia, the woman of color. Oh, yeah.
I hope she does well.
Thank you so much for listening. Have a sexy week, everybody. Thank you to our guests. Thank you, Jessie. Thank you, Connie. Bye. Hi, it's Rekha.
There is a lot of blanket play. It's a lot of blankets, a lot of, oh, I got you a gift.
Oh, let me tuck you into bed. And I'm like, oh, God, yes. So sign up for your free trial today. And it was so great meeting you. If you want to share some of those candy bars or rewind some time, you know, like, I am available.
You know, you get, like, 125. I can get 125.
I don't know. It's just an idea. |
TheOnion | How_Fake_News_Led_President_Trump_To_Believe_Semi_Charmed_Life_Was_By_Matchbox_20 | Social media has made it easier than ever to share information widely and rapidly even when that information is misleading or downright false. This phenomenon can even affect the President of the United States, which is exactly what happened when fake news led Donald Trump to believe semi-charmed life was by Matchbox 20. The bogus tale that cast Rob Thomas' rock band as the brains behind semi-charmed life started the way a lot of fake news does, in an insular online community. Once the false claim went unchecked and spread to the Twittersphere, the lie gained credibility and became difficult to debunk. And what made separating fact from fiction even harder? Bots, which are built to elicit emotions from users for monetary gains or some other unknown agenda. More importantly, these insidious bots are also built to reach influential users like the President, who infamously retweeted a bot thanking Rob Thomas for the catchy 1997 chart-topper. Even Spin Magazine attempted to debunk the myth, but their efforts just emboldened defenders of the theory. Trump himself doubled down, lashing out at the media for what he said was an obvious third-eye blind bias. The White House tried to smooth out the situation with a statement that said the President understood semi-charmed place in the 90s music canon, but the damage was already done. It's important to remember that this kind of fake news can have real-life consequences, like someone showing up at a Matchbox 20 concert and demanding that Rob Thomas sing semi-charmed life. For The Onion, I'm Eliza Hayes. |
TheOnion | How_To_Make_Homemade_Glitter_Bagels_TikTok_Compilation | These glitter bagels are gorgeous, delicious, and perfectly chewy. Yum!
Wanna learn how to make them? Well fuck you! They're my secret recipe and I'll never ever tell, even if you shoot my kids in front of me. I have three of them. Olivia, the soccer star, Emma, the queen of sass, and my kindergartner Elijah, the light of my life. And I don't give a rat's ass if you kidnap them, hit them with your car, make them record little videos where they plead, mommy, mommy, please just give TikTok the recipe!
No, because I worked hard on these bagels, harder than anything I've worked on in my entire life and I'm not going to hand it over just like that. You couldn't even begin to imagine the things I've sacrificed to get to these bagels.
Oh, you want to know what goes inside this bowl? Eat shit, leeches! My children get out of Brown Elementary School every day at 2 35 p.m. Go ahead, see if I care. Now get out of my kitchen!
With each successive bite failing to relieve his anxieties, increasingly worried man, Dylan Hawkes, told reporters today that he has yet to come across any trace of guacamole in his burrito, despite having specifically requested it when ordering. No, there definitely wasn't any guac there. Cheese, beans, chorizo, oh man, I hope they didn't forget. Hawkes has continued to maintain hope that there may still be an undiscovered sliver of avocado somewhere in his tortilla. However, with his fears for the meal mounting, Hawkes has reportedly considered asking the cashier for a refund at various points while eating the burrito. The thing is I don't think there's any guacamole in here. You know, I think I would know if there was. If you had a burrito and it was missing cheese, you might not notice it because there's sour cream, but guacamole is completely different. I just don't know how I wouldn't have tasted it by now.
Oh, Christ. I'm almost done with this though.
Obesity levels are on the rise in the U.S., with nearly a third of adults considered obese.
And yet, if you look around, it seems like cucumber is everywhere. In our salads, on our sandwiches, even in our water. So if cucumber is widely available, why are people still fat? Now, this could be explained away easily if cucumber tasted bad, but here's the thing. Cucumber actually tastes good.
Given everything we know, shouldn't our graph look like this? That's better.
Ultimately, this baffling disconnect between the availability of cucumbers and rising obesity might come down to the fact that fat people just aren't aware of cucumbers and how to buy them. This is a cucumber. It doesn't cost a lot of money and any grocery store should have them. You can even buy several cucumbers at a time.
See? Now that wasn't so hard.
How to make homemade strawberry boba. First, boil a pot of water, then add boba.
Wait, what are you doing? I said add boba. That's broccoli. That is not boba. No no no, this is not right. Stop this right now. We agreed to make boba. I don't understand why you are doing this. Why did you say you were going to make strawberry boba and then just not make strawberry boba?
What is the point? Is this some kind of sadistic game to you? Oh my god. What's up guys?
In honor of Thanksgiving, we're going to be making mashed potatoes the way the pilgrims made them back in the day. It's a bit different than the mashed potatoes you're probably used to eating, but we make them every year. They're super easy and so delicious. Start with five pounds of potatoes, preferably ones you stole from a Native American tribe after massacring them.
You're gonna want to peel them and then boil them in the massive cast-iron bucket you also bathe in. Then we're gonna drain them and add some local seasoning. And don't forget the aromatics. And then for some added texture, you're gonna want to add some goat hair. If you're vegan, don't worry, you can easily sub this out for some pine needles. And then for some added tang, we're gonna add two tablespoons of blood from a suspected witch. And finally, you're gonna want to mash them in the traditional manner. It may seem a bit tedious if you're used to using a stand mixer, but trust me, it really adds a lot of nice flavor. Just garnish with some local herbs and bon appetit. For more recipes, check out theonion.com.
I just love those weeknights when my busy family can still have dinner together. Here's a simple recipe that's hearty and delicious. And best of all, it can be made in just one pot, six pans, ten woks, and 25 baking sheets. Now the beauty of this recipe is all you need to get started is an eight quart pot. First, we're gonna sweat some garlic, onions, and spices in extra virgin olive oil for about 15 minutes while checking on the roasted potatoes. Your first round of roasted potatoes should be done so they can cool while you pop in the broccoli and summer squash and start dicing green onions. Set aside half of the green onions for garnish along with the parsley, radishes, sage, lemon zest, and leeks. Don't forget to add garlic and ginger to the cod in one wok about halfway through sweating your veggies and chilies and fresh ground black pepper to the beef in your second wok right after. You don't want your ginger or beef to overcook, so it's important to have two timers going. Just don't forget which one is which. I love to throw all the ingredients in pans, pots, woks, and baking sheets and not have to think about them. What's great about this recipe is the potatoes, pasta, broccoli, dried chili, beef, parsnips, beets, and all 12 sauces can cook at the same time. It helps to have a second and third oven, but you can get by with just one if you've got several hours to spare before dinnertime.
Now it's time to throw everything in with the veggies. Let's start with that 24-hour chicken marinade. In you go. Now pull the yellow onions off the grill. That char flavor is key. Pick some fresh basil from the garden for garnish. Torch the carrots to bring out their sweetness and take the meatballs off right when the salmon is done. And just add everything to your big pot and we're done. Where are my ladles? A simple recipe for a delicious weeknight meal with your family. |
dropout | how_to_tell_if_you_re_a_basic_bro | We got your CAT scan back. And unfortunately we did find something on the brain. A backwards fitted cap.
You are a full on basic bro. Doctor, that's impossible. Only bitches can be basic. I'm afraid bros can be just as basic. You refer to your friends as your boys. You love bacon so much that you ruin it for everyone else.
And your preferred topic of conversation is how much you drank last night. Four beers, two shots of Jack, one Red Bull and vodka.
Yes, it's very serious, Gerald. Very seriously basic. Are you experiencing any other symptoms? I guess I talk about high school a lot. I quote Barney from How I Met Your Mother here and there. Probably rip on vegetarians, make unoriginal make me a sandwich jokes to your significant other. Yes. Shit is basic. It is. We caught your basicness early. If you can wean yourself off the guys only poker nights and stop referring to your basement as your man cave, you might be able to salvage a personality. Actually, I haven't told you everything. I've noticed a strange feeling like this area. I think I have a crutch on Emma Watts. Oh my god, that's basic. Gerald, you really need to be upfront about all this basic shit.
I'm going to show you a series of images. I just want you to tell me the first thing that pops into your head. Art. Perfect profile picture. I'm totally going to do this with my boys. Hero.
Fuck you! A grown man with serious opinions about teenage girl music. You are a stage four basic bro. You always did take pickup basketball a little too seriously. But the real victim here is you, Lucy. Basic bros spend their days drinking on the couch with an unearned sense of entitlement. It's you who will have to pretend not to be humiliated when he very obviously checks out your waitress at Hooters. That's right, sister. Need to get to Hooters. The kids do. Because he's basic. Basic as fuck. Hey, I don't need to sit around here and be insulted by you. Okay?
I want a second opinion. He took me to Hooters for breakfast. It wasn't earthly lunch. |
cracked | the_4_most_literally_insane_statements_by_u_s_presidents_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hi internet, I'm Daniel O'Brien and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture's Order, the show where I talk about things because it would be dumb if I didn't and just sat here. See? Today's episode is ... Look, if you know me and my work, you knew this was coming. I'm Dan, I write stuff about presidents, I write stuff about presidents on Cracked, I write stuff about presidents in books. It was only a matter of time before I whipped out my presidential obsession on camera.
And speaking of whipping things out, anyone who has opened up a history book knows that President Lyndon Johnson was by a wide margin our most dick-waving-est president, with Kennedy in a distant second place followed closely by Cleveland, believe it or not, Grover Cleveland. Johnson was known to have challenged people to literal dick-measuring contests, so it's not surprising that on August 9, 1964, President Johnson called Joe Hager, the head of the Hager Slack Company, a special order pair of pants. During that call, LBJ was charming and folksy and talked about his dick and his butt. Pants are, in general, not a difficult concept to grasp, and Johnson is on the phone with a pants-making professional, a literal pants expert, and he still feels like he needs to explain where the crotch is via its relationship to his nut sack. The man knows more about pants than most people, Mr. President.
He doesn't need you describing where your balls are, like some kind of folksy penis GPS. Less than a minute later, this happens. He burped, and without breaking conversational stride, continued charting the geography of his junk by taking us on a journey into his butt. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Barack Obama has two distinct voices he switches between, regular dude and President Obama. When he's President Obama, his voice is professorial, authoritative, Lester Freeman-esque. Regular dude is charming, quick-witted, and calls Kanye West a jackass. On the audiobook of President Obama's memoir, Streams of My Father, those two voices smash together when the President reads lines once spoken by his highly quotable high school buddy, Rob, AKA Keith Kakugawa. Hearing Keith's lines as spoken by President Obama is like hearing a court stenographer read Wu Tang lyrics. It's like he's reading Denzel Washington's dialogue from Training Day at a TED talk. It's like he's doing an impression of a white person doing an impression of a black person who has never met a black person.
So what happens when we go out to a party with some sisters, huh? What happens? I tell you what happens.
Blam! They on us like there's no tomorrow. High school chicks, university chicks, it don't matter. Blam! We sure can.
Ronald Reagan had wit and charm pouring out his ass. You know what his first words were to his wife after he was shot in an assassination attempt? Honey, I forgot to duck. Bam! That line was so smooth, it won him a lifetime supply of Nancy Reagan sex, a feat accomplished by only one other man.
Unfortunately, one of Reagan's jokes almost caused World War III, which is colloquially known among comedians as the opposite of laughter. On August 11, 1984, President Reagan was getting ready to record his weekly radio address for NPR. Here's the opening line that he was supposed to read. My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you that today I signed legislation that will allow student religious groups to begin enjoying a right they've too long been denied, the freedom to meet in public high schools during non-school hours, just as other student groups are allowed to do. It's a line that, yes, could obviously have benefited from some joke punch-ups. Before he could record, he needed to do a sound check, so in an attempt to parry that opening line and the Cold War, and the thought of everyone in the world getting blown to shit like Sarah Connor in that one scene from Terminator 2, Reagan decided now was a good time to make a joke about nuclear war. That audio was leaked to the press because, of course, which caused the Soviets to go on high alert because, of course, but then they read a transcript of the actual address and calmed down. I mean, obviously, look outside at how not blown up everything is.
Richard Nixon's too dead to tell us why he filled the White House with voice-activated microphones that recorded every shit thing he said, but his voice lives on in the form of the tapes he left behind. During one segment of tape, Nixon, his Chief Domestic Advisor John Ehrlichman, and his Chief of Staff Bob Haldeman had a jolly conversation about how Hollywood and the gays were destroying the traditional American value of penis and vagina, or as it's known colloquially among presidential scholars, Clevelanding. It's all pretty depressing, until Nixon's crazy chain of logic landed him on the subject of gay fashion designers.
Gay men have infiltrated every level of the fashion industry and have orchestrated a massive, widespread plot to make women's clothing look awful as some kind of hate crime for the purposes of question mark, question mark, question mark, dot, dot, dot. To that insanity, Ehrlichman serves up a two-word counterpoint. And it's accepted! Nixon says, wah, wah, wah, gay men are making women locators on purpose. And Ehrlichman says, hot pants. And Nixon's, yeah, that's how conversations flow, logically. Is this an improv game where you're not allowed to have the same conversation?
I also love how Nixon delivers Jesus Christ like he's peeling his sunglasses off his face because, like, holy s***, you breed raptors. Segueing away from Jesus Christ's hot pants, as gracefully as he'd segued into it, Nixon moves on to explain that his administration doesn't have to work too hard to be good because... We'll run better than our left hand and the others ever run, because we're honest and we're smart. I'm Richard Nixon.
Your face is scrotal meat. I have more to say, but it's sort of hard to build momentum once scrotal meat gets dropped, so let's just call this episode over. Join me next time when my topic will be weirdest presidential moments caught on audio. That's the one we just did. What the f*** were we supposed to do today? Oh, s***, really? Oh, that looks interesting.
We're never going to find out about that. Never getting that story.
Alright. Play my favorite song, DJ My Mom. Hey, thanks for watching that video. You can subscribe here or watch some of our older videos here or here. Look, if you know me and my work, you knew this was coming. I'm Dan.
I write stuff about presidents. I write stuff about presidents on Cracked. I write stuff about presidents in books.
Buy my book!
It was only a matter of time before I whipped out my presidential obsession on camera. And speaking of whipping things out, anyone who has opened up a history book knows that President Lyndon Johnson was by a wide margin our most dick-waving-est president, with Kennedy in a distant second place followed closely by Cleveland, believe it or not, Grover Cleveland. Johnson was known to have challenged people to literal dick-measuring contests, so it's not surprising that on August 9, 1964, President Johnson called Joe Hager, the head of the Hager Slack Company, a special order pair of pants. During that call, LBJ was charming and folksy, and talked about his dick and his butt. Pants are, in general, not a difficult concept to grasp, and Johnson is on the phone with a pants-making professional, a literal pants expert, and he still feels like he needs to explain where the crotch is, via its relationship to his nutsack. The man knows more about pants than most people, Mr. President.
He doesn't need you describing where your balls are, like some kind of folksy penis GPS. Less than a minute later, this happens. He burped, and without breaking conversational stride, continued charting the geography of his junk by taking us on a journey into his butt. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Barack Obama has two distinct voices he switches between, regular dude and President Obama. When he's President Obama, his voice is professorial, authoritative, Lester Freeman-esque. Regular dude is charming, quick-witted, and calls Kanye West a jackass. He's a jackass. On the audiobook of President Obama's memoir, Streams of My Father, those two voices smash together when the President reads lines once spoken by his highly quotable high school buddy, Rob, AKA Keith Kakugawa. Hearing Keith's lines as spoken by President Obama is like hearing a court stenographer read Wu-Tang lyrics. It's like he's reading Denzel Washington's dialogue from Training Day out of Ted Talk. It's like he's doing an impression of a white person doing an impression of a black person who has never met a black person.
So what happens when we go out to a party with some sisters, huh? What happens? I tell you what happens.
Blam! They on us like there's no tomorrow. High school chicks, university chicks, it don't matter. Blam! We sure can.
Ronald Reagan had wit and charm pouring out his ass. You know what his first words were to his wife after he was shot in an assassination attempt? Honey, I forgot to duck. Bam! That line was so smooth, it won him a life-type supply of Nancy Reagan sex, a feat accomplished by only one other man. Unfortunately, one of Reagan's jokes almost caused World War III, which is colloquially known among comedians as the opposite of laughter. On August 11, 1984, President Reagan was getting ready to record his weekly radio address for NPR.
Here's the opening line that he was supposed to read. My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you that today I signed legislation that will allow student religious groups to begin enjoying a right they've too long been denied the freedom to meet in public high schools during non-school hours, just as other student groups are allowed to do. It's a line that, yes, could obviously have benefited from some joke punch-ups. Before he could record, he needed to do a sound check, so in an attempt to parry that opening line and the Cold War, and the thought of everyone in the world getting blown to shit like Sarah Connor in that one scene from Terminator 2, Reagan decided now was a good time to make a joke about nuclear war. My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever and begin bombing in five minutes. That audio was leaked to the press because, of course, which caused the Soviets to go on high alert because, of course, but then they read a transcript of the actual address and calmed down. I mean, obviously, look outside at how not blown up everything is.
Richard Nixon's too dead to tell us why he filled the White House with voice-activated microphones that recorded every shitty thing he said, but his voice lives on in the form of the tapes he left behind. In one segment of tape, Nixon, his Chief Domestic Advisor John Ehrlichman, and his Chief of Staff Bob Haldeman had a jolly conversation about how Hollywood and the gays were destroying the traditional American value of penis and vagina, or as it's known colloquially among presidential scholars, Clevelanding. It's all pretty depressing, until Nixon's crazy chain of logic landed him on the subject of gay fashion designers.
You know, one of the reasons that fashions have made women look so terrible is because of not having designers hate women. Now that's the truth. You watch. Gay men have infiltrated every level of the fashion industry and have orchestrated a massive widespread plot to make women's clothing look awful as some kind of hate crime for the purposes of question mark, question mark, question mark, dot, dot, dot, dot. With that insanity, Ehrlichman serves up a two-word counterpoint, and it's accepted! Nixon says, wap, wap, wap, gay men are making women look hideous on purpose, and Ehrlichman says, hot pants.
And Nixon's, yeah, that's how conversations flow, logically. Is this an improv game where you're not allowed to have the same conversation? I also love how Nixon delivers Jesus Christ like he's peeling his sunglasses off his face because, like, holy shit, you breed raptors. Segwaying away from Jesus Christ's hot pants, as gracefully as he'd segwayed into it, Nixon moves on to explain that his administration doesn't have to work too hard to be good because We'll run better than our left hand and the others ever run next, because we're honest and we're smart. Richard Nixon.
Your face is scrotal meat. I have more to say, but it's sort of hard to build momentum once scrotal meat gets dropped, so let's just call this episode over. Join me next time when my topic will be Weirdest Presidential Moments Caught on Audio. That's the one we just did. What the fuck were we supposed to do today? Oh shit, really? Oh, that looks interesting.
We're never going to find out about that. Never getting that story.
Alright. Play my favorite song, DJ My Mom. |
dropout | noises_dads_make_ch_shorts | It's a good day to be a dad. You said that. Amen to that. You know what would make this day even better? What's that? A beer. Oh yeah.
I got it. Sit back down. I got it. Sit back down. I got it. Sit back down. I got it. Sit back down. I got it. Sit back down. I got it. Sit back down. I got it.
That's a good beer. Can't complain. Life is good. And it says so right on my shirt.
Well, I guess I better check on the grill. Oh no, no, no you don't, because I'm going to check on the grill. No, no, no, sit back down, because I'm going to check on the grill.
Hey. Well, they were smelling good. I got to take a closer look. Uh, uh. Oh, god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god. That's some good meat. Now I'm going to smell it again.
Oh boy I ask you guys a question course buddy go ahead have you ever been to a doctor no never once in my life but everything hurts all the time right oh yeah that's so in the back of my shirt I'll be damned, is that a bald eagle? America, America, God shed his grace on thee.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_scrooge_mcduck_saturday_night_live | This week, the price of gold soared to a record $1,053 an ounce. here to comment on the current economic conditions, Scrooge Mcduck. On coins! Good evening, Seth. Now, Scrooge, you've always been an extremely wealthy duck. How has the surge in good gold prices affected your fortune? Seth, my investment strategy has always been very simple.
Step one,: convert all money into gold coins. Step two,: put all the coins into a pile. Step three, swim around in those coins. that's your whole strategy. what does your accountant think about that?
He's always laughed at me.
What about a pension plan, Scrooge? What about the Stock Market?
Who's laughing now?
Gold Coins! I'm such a rich duck. I eat caviar and foie gras for breakfast. isn't foie gras made out of duck liver? Oh! gold coins!
Well, diet aside, it seems like you've got things figured out. not everything, Seth. I don't know if you know this, but money is filthy. every time I jump into my coin pile, it's like diving into a petri dish full of the world's most rare and bizarre diseases. really? Because you seem like a pretty healthy duck to me. I wasn't born a duck, Seth. the coins did this. the germs turned me into some sort of half-blind duck monster. Well, maybe you should use some of your gold to buy some health care. Oh, you think, Seth? I've been to hundreds of bloody doctors. it turns out the pharmacy shelves aren't exactly teeming with Duck Man reversal pills. I'm a freak, Seth. my life is like a deleted scene from the Island of Dr. Moreau. that sounds really terrible. it's worth it!
Gold coins! Okay, Scrooge Mcduck, everybody. thank you. very, uh. very plastic-sounding gold coins. |
dropout | will_forte_and_dave_koechner_repopulate_the_world | Do we cheers or? You want to, I'll cheers the sandwich.
Will Forte. Will is my nickname. My real name is Orville Willis Forte IV.
God, I love that. Thank you.
There's four Orville Willises? Four Orville Willises.
You're the oldest boy? I'm the oldest boy of my father, yes. And that's the way it always went, oldest boy.
Yes. I love families. And it's okay, but some families will go like, oh, I'll give to the second boy. I don't think that's really the case. Are you serious that some families skip the name and then go to the second boy? I've seen it happen. Yeah. But in that case, though, are they not doing the full name? I don't know.
Say there's nuclear Armageddon, and it's post-nuclear now. There's two guys that made it through. It's Orville Willis Forte IV and just old Dave Koechner.
What are we going to do next? Make a woman. Figure out a way and quickly or scrap until we, you know, we're trying until the day we die. I love it. Make a woman because we want to get that human race back up. Because I know it's going to happen. If we somehow give in and the next day a woman gets in bed and then we feel real stupid, or like we could have just held out for one day. But we couldn't have held out for one more day because that's the day we couldn't hold out anymore. I'm open to it.
I think you're handsome. I think you're nice. You're a great guy. You'd be a great catch.
Well, I'll pass that information along. The person is just stuck with you. Well, in that world, it's you. And that's not a bad place to be stuck, if it's just the two of us. Well, we're pretty good guys. I'll bet you're good. Never mind. I just had, I had this crazy image. I don't know. You just, well, you mentioned being stuck. You need companionship, right? That's true.
Two truths and a lie about yourself. The two truths are?
God, this is. Anything. It doesn't have to be important. It can be simple.
How about a lie about yourself? A lie about myself.
I am a very temperamental person. I get very upset at just little things.
That's a good one, because that gets us right into the next thing. Can I see the happiest face you can do, the happiest? Now I'm going to ask you, please make it a little happier. And the saddest face you can do? What are you thinking about right now? Just how bad my sad face is.
Tell me something that I might think is true. Whatever you want to do. It doesn't have to be a secret. You can tell me a secret if you want to. No, this isn't a secret.
This is actually true. I videotaped the birth of both of my sister's kids. That's nice. Yeah. That's going to be good footage. Is that available anywhere or just? Uh... Oh, wow. |
cracked | why_hasn_t_there_been_a_rebellion_in_king_s_landing_yet_ep_5_eastwatch_game_of_thrones_review | Hey everyone, thanks for joining us on another episode of winter is taking forever. I am Adam Ganser. I'm Alex Schmidt That's right.
We had a an episode this week. How'd you feel about it? Oh, man. It was so much set up Yeah, sure was we're fresh off a battle. Yeah, we're Everybody but the important people died.
That is correct, which is crazy I just just wanted to check in real quick on the first scene when you saw Jamie last underwater Did he have his hand or not and watch? 2017 also, it's really hard to do the scene where somebody rescues another person from drowning underwater because it always looks dumb It's like one person bobs up like I better get the other one. That's right beneath me Like pulls them up over water and it's like that's not How that works at all?
So they implied that Jamie That Jamie overtly was trying to commit suicide till I get what I'm old a dragon doesn't get to kill you You don't get to kill you pretty dark like suicide by dragon Yeah, you know after a hard weekend of everything I read and saw nothing refreshes me more than a guy tried to commit suicide by dragon So our next segment is called Randall Tarly has a point in which Randall Tarly who was pretty much an irredeemable Character up to this point and his son dick on Get nuked for the sake of a demonstration by Daenerys. He made kind of good points. I thought did you think the points were good? I think it's it's part of why this show should be depressing Yeah, because the guy who's right all the time dies for it He kind of makes points that are like yeah, if I was on Westeros, I wouldn't want somebody who came with a foreign army no matter how legit her claim was Yeah, and then bow to her because of dragons because I feel like Daenerys has crossed a threshold of being irredeemable Oh, yeah. Yeah, because she nuked a prisoner of war Like that's what she did. She like held them held them at like dragon point. Yeah so Randall Tarly is right once again and Burned for it and this concludes the segment forever So I want to jump into the first of two meetings between Jamie and Cersei Jamie comes back after having lost and then like Kyburn gives him like a oh, it's you like in the hallway, right because Kyburn by the way is secretly the most talented person in Westeros Yeah, I mean like like here are the jobs.
We know he does he's hand of the Queen. Yeah, he's a doctor We find that out in this episode. He's a necromancer. Yeah, he's the Lord of whispers Yeah, he's also I guess they're chief architect because the guy knows where all the arrows and are Lina Hetty's work in this episode Is some of my favorite acting in the series? Yeah, it was great She's so good and there's so many like tiny little subtle gradations of knowledge and conflicting feelings in her face Also opposite of that.
I do not want any more John and Dan and Daenerys falling in love Because it is so like the whole thing's been such a plot beat We have to have and a thing that read it figured out is gonna be the end of the show where they fall in love It feels like they had drank a potion or something. I don't like it because it takes away From what I think is a legitimate tension of which of them would be the better ruler like if they fall in love It's like now I don't have to root against either of them, right and I want to I will say this How did you feel about the dragon touching? So stupid you didn't like it when I first watched it I was like, this is a little bit silly because why isn't Daenerys stepping in? Yeah, well doesn't she like hey get away cuz they breathe fire They showed us from the camera angle that like the initial dragon touching we can't see John or what's happening So I really wanted it to like cut around and it's just like much much much like he's dead Just like that she doesn't step in to stop it which is weird, but she definitely acts like he's Like he's touching some some and there's the sacred intimacy kind of a thing being exchanged So when that dragon flew away, tell me it didn't give me a it looked back more like at John It was just like see you later dad So this week on this week on Tarly Potter Gilly casually spoiling the entire show.
Who's Raghar? What's on a gnome end there was to me a hot debate about whether or not he's actually just sick of Gilly You know to mean or whether it's like oh this other things bothering me And then she's doing a thing that normally I would like which is clearly what the show intends for us to think Like because that's why he quit school suddenly, but like they did not dodge the bullet to me They didn't dodge the bullet of like oh, does he just hate being with Gilly is she like driving him crazy? What does? Annulment mean it's when a man sets aside his lawful wife. So Sam Sam doesn't find out his family's dead and then he's the head of house Tarly which at some point is gonna come back Right we find out there's like a council there where they're debating the merits of whether Brown's scroll is valid or not Yeah, they never fucking interviewed this guy who they're allowing to be a maister about what he knows You knew that guy that was sitting next to him that was bringing up all the objections was a bad guy because look at those bullshit mutton Shops he had I'm afraid so and there's no way those guys are gonna be helpful because they're too boring and lame To be helpful like we don't we don't want to see Jim Broadbent in a sack being the main character of the show He's just gonna be a roadblock and a wet blanket.
Oh, it's nice to be old.
Yeah So Charlie Potter basically doesn't doesn't get any of his knowledge through steals a couple of books before he goes Yeah, so those book chains didn't turn out to be much use. I think that taps into a larger problem also, so I definitely agree that This year the writing has gone the way of you're saying it fan-fiction. I agree I would say it's like there's just no subtlety anymore There's no savoring scenes anymore because like for instance we got that scene with Tyrion and Jamie that was like Oh, there's gonna be so good cuz we've been waiting a long time and they have a lot to say to each other and we got Some really good acting in it Like they were really good and then we cut the middle of it that could have been a 20-minute scene that we would have loved And so they're rushing through things and because of that we forget details that we kind of need to know For these scenes this week even like Tyrion pulls up to the Red Keep last time.
I was here I killed my father with the crossbow Last time I was here you killed my son with wildfire And it was like oh, that's awkward. Yep. Anyway on with the mission. I guess I did so much googling this episode I did so much like Oh Gendry. All right Hammer boy. All right. I had as I've said to you many times. I had I had to know what happened to Gendry Okay, it's just one of them. I had a special he had a special place in my heart I'd like just needed to know is he still out there Rowan? Yeah, we got the answer He came back and that's fun. Thought you might still be roaring.
I like that Gendry uses his father's weapon Yeah, I don't know how one would use that in a situation where you had a lot of combatants It doesn't seem like super practical, but maybe I'm just lacking imagination. I don't know We now go to a segment we all love called Dragonstone high So I thought the the love triangle stuff was on full blast this week There's an ambiguous relationship now between Ser Jorah and Daenerys right the stone disease I wish there was a side effect where he like gained some sense or something again some perspective because that's it's not gonna happen for You man. I think it's also fair to say the show is Leading us to believe that there is something between them every scene in this show is a fake mystery It's a fake will it or not like is Jon Snow alive or alive as fuck will she get with? The guy that is another king and makes fire and ice makes sense or will she get with the guy She hasn't hooked up with for seven seasons on a show where everyone hooks up with everyone when they hugged right after he got back Like they don't know a lot about Epidemiology, right? They don't know a lot about the stone disease. I really thought it would be a thing We're like you're cured I wouldn't come back if I wasn't cured and then they hug and I wanted to be back on Jorah like I mean I'm pretty sure and then they cut back to her and she's just rocks, you know, like Like they didn't really know how it works later on Daenerys and her council come up with the scheme to basically oceans 11 a dead person down to Cersei so they can convince her to have an armistice so this war can take a quick hiatus until we get A seven episode stretch at the end. I do understand why it has to happen logically. It's not like But it's a little silly right because now it's a caper now the whole thing's a kid. Yeah, right I feel like we've only seen those dead white walkers in a massive herd, right?
So like how do you send a couple guys to grab one of them? It's not like they're all walking and one guy is like I gotta take a whiz and like stops to the side You know, you get you like chloroform em or something.
It doesn't make any sense. That is a crazy plan. I don't understand it Let's talk a little bit about Sansa and Arya story super weird. It's a little weird, right? Yeah Why are you is like kind of a space alien?
Yeah Yeah, which is actually reason reasonably believable because everything horrible has happened to her all the time a little bit I'll say that when Arya turns that corner the first time walking into the hall Lords of the North are like still chanting for things Still making cases for who should be their ruler. It's like, oh, I see what the deal here is These idiots can't like go five minutes without nominating somebody to be king so anyway, so Sansa handles it fine Arya is mad at her and she's like and then they have a conversation which is like Oh you still have all the nice shit, right? And she's like, what are you saying? Just say it directly and then she's like, you know, I just don't like you. That's the whole thing I've never liked you and I don't trust you and it's like why remember how we used to hate each other when we were sisters Let's just keep doing that. Yeah is like where they've settled which is not to me how life goes How are they mad at each other now that they're both kind of back from the dead, you know, it's like they've seen so much Yeah, like Aria just summarizing what she's been through would take a whole season and like, you know the fact that they can't put aside their differences and like You know be friends seems like a dumb it makes me feel like we don't know what we're doing with Aria also Equally dumb Aria tracking down this like this scroll that that that we get for a little finger The only thing I think is dumb about it I think it's fine for people to be doing capers and like spying on each other and stuff in Winterfell.
That's fine It's so dark in there. You couldn't see him around a corner. Anyway. Yeah, you know, it's like pitch black in there all the time No matter what time of day it is.
Yeah, why isn't she wearing a mask? Yeah, I got a truck full of faces Why doesn't she mission impossible this problem mask powder?
Yeah, exactly. How many people is she murdered? She's taking all their faces Just put on any person's face when you're doing your skulking around Winterfell so that little finger doesn't actually know what's going on He sticks to that one furrow and he sticks to that sex whisper the Knights of the veil are mine who I brought Like it's like really gross. Let's do the last piece of this which is a segment that we have not yet titled But we're gonna title on the fly Lord of the fellas The fellowship of the undead being hound Gentry and the Sun dance kid Thor oceans 11 Thor oceans 11 the usual snow specs because they all meet in a jail cell There's a bunch of wacky characters all put together to accomplish a caper Which will make one fun episode to watch and will always 10 years from now feel like the dumb episode because their plan again is to approach a Thousand man or at least strong army of dead people who never separate from each other Get one of them and bring the guy to a much warmer climate even though he's made of ice To prove to the woman who hates them more than anyone in the world that there are monsters north of everything So she should abandon her lifelong pursuit of power. Yeah, temporarily. Yeah, and to do this We've brought together two guys who resurrected and some other beardy fellas and gantry. Yeah. All right, let's get into predictions Now I have a couple of questions to ask you when do we next see Sam Tarly?
And what is he doing? On a broom catching the golden snitch He's he's done what he's done with the boring academic guys And then he's gonna like end up being the guy running it and we'll be like, ah, we've learned something about the value of knowledge I don't think he is gonna be the guy running. No, no, I think in in any other show or movie He ends up being archmaister, right? That's how it resolves. Yeah, I don't think he wants that job I think we've set up that he goes and becomes the lord of his house Because he was rejected by his house because he was Or I guess he was fat or something and they're all dead now, right? So like so now he has to take that over right now.
He's a more complicated raven But he's just gonna transmit some information to somebody and they'll be like, thanks Sam And he'll be like you bet wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah like straight out of the show how many of the usual snow specs make it back How many of them make it back? Uh and pick which ones I think we lose two of them definitely We lose resurrection boy for sure. Yeah, because that's what has like he was resurrected for this purpose And like he dies on and like I think we might lose Jorah That's the right thing. Yeah, he should die But I think they're gonna screw up and keep him alive because he got what he wanted He got he got the affections of Daenerys and he did something for her that she needed done Yeah, like he might die. That might be it for Jorah. I could see it Yeah, does Davos adopt Gentry after the war? Oh big time Yeah, Gentry is the kid and Davos is Danny Glover and angels in the outfield That is exactly what's gonna happen ice and fire wins the pennant and then he adopts him after at this point What do you think Jamie's fate becomes? A cool death probably. Yeah. Yeah, I think he's kind of secretly having a really cool season in some ways Yeah, I know everybody else is like they've abandoned him I don't think so like we've gotten a lot of emotional content out of Jamie in very small doses Um, but he's done a great job of it.
Does that baby exist? That scene was so good, man Yeah, does that baby exist?
Do you like that idea? Uh Yeah, that's fine. I like it better. I think yeah, I think that's a good decision.
Yeah, it's fine Yeah, yeah, uh, is there any ending to this show that doesn't involve Daenerys and Jon Snow both being on the iron throne? No, the last scene of the show is them copulating on the throne That is how it ends talk about fire and ice or whatever or ice and fire you get it Hey everyone, thanks so much for watching another episode of winners taking forever Feel free to hit that C in the middle to subscribe to our channel or hit the notification bell below if you'd like to get new video notifications And uh, you know, why don't you set your predictions in the comments and we will know that after I'm you guys i'm using the things but really do it |
cracked | hack_wikipedia_and_you_re_never_wrong_agents_of_cracked_episode_9 | Hi, I'm Abe Epperson. I directed Agents of Cracked. Welcome to the Craterion collection of the Agents of Cracked.
Stay after and we'll be talking about what we did while we made the thing, little anecdotes and stories. Spoiler alert, I killed a hobo. Do it. Jelp. What have you got to live for? Hey. I'll tell you I started carrying strychnine powder with me everywhere. Dissolves in liquid.
Totally tasteless. Change is nothing.
Yeah, I figured. Yeah, yeah, you two. The chief wants to see it. Gasp. The chief?
I heard that guy can only orgasm when he wins at Russian roulette. So, never? No, the bullets bounce off his head. Any orgasms? He's badass is my point.
Oh no, I got that. Go to the coast. We'll get together. Have a few less. Sorry, I'll have to call you back. We have a situation here.
Wow, were you talking to Bruce Willis? No, I was talking to Die Hard. Was it the part where he walks on the glass? Tell that part I said it's awesome.
Shut up. Which one of you morons posted the biggest racks in Country Western Music article this morning? I didn't, sir. Is there a problem with it? Rate this. Okay.
Even though she's aging like a pile of oily rags, I'd board Dolly Parton's Love Boat any day. Then I'd go to her cabin and ram her buoys with my masked, masked-meaning penis. And? Oh, it's, uh, funny because I created this metaphor and then I needlessly deconstructed there by highlighting the vulgarity. Dolly Parton wasn't all in Love Boat. You're thinking of Gallagher. We've already had a commenter point out the mistake. The only hope now is for you two to delete the comment and change all pertinent Wikipedia entries to mention Dolly Parton's guest spot on the Love Boat.
That's impossible. I came to work on a triceratops today. Don't talk to me about impossible.
Now get out and don't come back until this mess is fixed. Jesus, man. This is some serious black ops shit. Stealth. We gotta go in quiet. Like a knife between the ribs or the fart I just let go. It's not gonna be easy, but damn it, we're the dream team. Come on, man. The way I see it, if we're gonna change Wikipedia, we'll need night vision goggles, full Kevlar, an Xbox 360, and the latest Splinter Cell game. Wait! I think I have repelling cables in the trunk of my car.
And there. There? Where?
Did you see a bogey? How many tangos? Is there a Charlie?
No, there, as in I did it. We're done. You hacked it? It's our website. I deleted the comments and then I went to the Dolly Parton page and changed it on Wikipedia.
What was the password? Was it Swordfish? There's no password.
Anyone can edit Wikipedia. You go in, you delete stuff, you write other stuff. What? It's like a dictionary, but anyone can edit it. You know, didn't we already do this in the Internet episode? Dictionary? As in the foundation of all human knowledge? The store of our accumulated wisdom? Sort of, I guess, except more focused on TV shows.
Change it back, Daniel. Nope. Hack it back, Daniel. Nope.
What if a school kid needs some charo information from a reporter? What if the only thing standing between a rapist and his victim is some choice Dolly Parton trivia? I'd be interested in hearing a scenario in which that was the case.
You can't do it, Dan. The Chief told us to. Would you burn down the library of Alexandria if the Chief told you to? Would you censor the decorations of independence if the Chief told you to?
There, I changed it back. Really? Yeah. What, did you want to finish that one? No. To be honest, I kind of ran out of examples. I think I was going to say something about rescuing Anne Frank. Okay, then. But, I mean, you just changed it? Just like that? Yeah. Why, did you want me to change it back? No. I just, I guess I expected more back and forth, and usually you're all... Look, Michael, trying to protect crack's credibility is like trying to protect the credibility of a sack of hair. I honestly couldn't care less. Really? Prove it. Change it back. Okay. Wouldn't it? Damn, man.
You've changed. I started drinking before work, and at work. Okay, so, what's it on now? Uh, I kind of lost track. I already closed the window.
Hey, let's play Russian Roulette. I win every time. The trick is to use the rainbow bridge.
It takes you right to the peanut brittle house. Like right to the bitch's door.
That's Candy Land. You're thinking of Candy Land.
Alright, they probably dumbed down the rules a little on the east coast for you salad munchers. That's even a slurp. But out west, we play it tournament style.
Okay, here's what's going to happen. I want you to load up a scene of Deer Hunter, and you're going to watch it while I drink quietly in the elevator. And if you still have questions when I get back... You know. Okay. Wait! What are we supposed to tell the chief?
Don't care! That was a lout! Oh, yeah, a lout!
Hello? Hey, Mom?
It's me. I just... felt like talking. Sweetie's an urgent. I've got a bit of a ninja attack on my hands.
Oh, sure, sure. No, of course. No, it's fine. Really. Okay, bye-bye. Bye. I love you.
Alone. Always alone. Again, again.
So, The Secret of Rainbow Bridge is an episode wherein we hack Wikipedia to make an article that we'd written true. And to do this in the episode, I'm actually typing on Wikipedia because it was easier than, like, photoshopping a Wikipedia page and after-affexing everything like that. So, I'm actually, in real-time, hacking Wikipedia.
And Demand Media, our parent company, got a warning letter from Wikipedia that said we're not... We've been flagged. None of us... Nobody from our whole building was allowed to touch Wikipedia ever again.
So, that was a... I mean, that was my bit. And then...
You don't have any... Do you also have... No, I think I got one that one. Like a charming act of... Okay, all right. No, I don't. |
cracked | why_all_superheroes_are_actually_villains_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello Internet, my name is Dan, I actually prefer Daniel, but I don't want to be one of those guys who insists O'Brien, and this is Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the only show that financially rewards whatever so far still undiagnosed social disease I have that forced me to get consumed and then ruined by the pop culture artifacts that I love the most. Still no official name for that disease yet, but fingers crossed for Drasbergers Park. Anyway, this episode's about... Oh, come on, really?
I love superheroes. They're the only movies we're allowed to make now. If we attack them and cut them down...
Okay, okay. We're all having a good time here. Everything's fine. Let's get into it.
When a pretend person decides to don a scary mask and grapple crime, there's universal assumption that their methods, no matter how debatable, are sending criminals to jail. Right? Ends do stuff to the means and junk like that? For example, this scene from The Dark Knight. Boom! Bite out a crime taken. Then what happens?
Don't let me find you out here again. We're trying to help you. I don't need help.
Alright, he just f***ing bounces.
After smashing through public property, blowing up some cars, beating up dogs, and slamming around like a maniac, Wacky Bruce just leaves the gang of drug dealers and vigilantes alone in a garage, presumably for the police to find and... let go? I'm not a lawman, but I'm pretty sure that being beaten and tied up in a parking structure that is or was drug adjacent isn't in and of itself a crime. If I was a cop and I came across a beaten and gagged, scared person, I wouldn't think, drug dealer, I'd think, victim of different crime, we should help.
What's the difference between you and me? Seriously, besides the hockey pants, what is the difference between him and those gun-toting vigilantes? The only contrast I see is that bats causes way more property damage before making every scrap of evidence inadmissible in court because the crime scene's been contaminated by a stranger in a go-go gadget gimp suit.
And everything I've just said here applies to literally every other costumed crime fighter. This one scene means everybody Superman has ever caught never went to jail. He's just an immortal alien playing cop, and we're all humoring him because we know he can tear us in half like a bushel of celery.
And I don't want to get too technical with my next point, but I organize my life in such a way that allows me to have a show where I don't have to answer to anyone because I don't like being told what to do. And at any rate, by the time you see this video, I'll have already filmed it, meaning you couldn't stop me even if you wanted to, which you don't because you love me. It's true. Me saying that means it's canon. You love me.
So I will get technical because I lied before. I do want to get technical.
Dear Spider-Man, the average response time to a 911 call in New York City is just under seven and a half minutes. Spider-Sense lightning-quick reflexes the ability to avoid all non-vert traffic, but Spider-Man's response time to an in-progress crime closer to, let's say, two to three minutes, which sounds like would save a lot of time because Spider-Man leaves his criminals in webs throughout the city, montage of that so Daniel can breathe. That webbing made of a high tensile steel is strong. Stronger than something you or I as non-Spider-Man and women can rip apart. The web is designed to dissolve after about two hours, which means that's how much time NYPD cops need to wait around for every case involving Spider-Man's webbing. Spider-Man stopped Dr. Octopus and the police couldn't. That's true. But it's also true that half the police force was tied up waiting around two hours for every single criminal trapped in and occasional bullet train riding bystanders saved by Spidey's webbing. Occupying that much police time on every case couldn't possibly make the streets safer.
Spider-Man is awful. This sucks.
I said I didn't want to do this. All right, it's time for the Marvel Movie Maniac Lightning Round brought to you by Irish Spring Soap. Irish Spring Soap. Put it on ya.
Not in ya. Did we not... I don't see it. Did we not get the Irish... No sponsors at all?
What do they say? Something about my face, voice, and the way I say things?
Okay, what a... Across the board, objectionable. I'm off. Okay.
Good note. Deep note. Good note.
All right, fuck it. Irish Spring is a soap for shitheads. We'll edit this out.
Okay, so let's take a moment to go through every Marvel villain since the cinematic universe started. Obadiah Stane, Tony Stark's jealous business partner wearing a robot suit based on Tony's design. Abomination, an ogre created with the Hulk's blood. Ivan Whiplash, Vanko, a Russian maniac angry at Tony's father and funded by Tony's rival. Loki, Thor's jealous alien brother who tries to kill him on Earth after Thor was expelled here for being a smug dick. Red Skull, a red skull gentleman made with the same super serum for Captain America. Loki, again. Phase Two, Killian, a tech genius Tony Stark stood up on some hotel roof. Malakith, an elf man awakened by Thor's lady friend fucking with portals. Bucky, Buckster, the winner, buddy. Captain America's friend who got brainwashed by Hydra who was secretly SHIELD. Ronan, a blue man who was after Peter Quill for stealing some magic orb. Ultron, an evil robot slash Pinocchio fan that Tony Stark created himself. Darren Cross, former protege to Hank Pym who was obsessed with getting Hank's approval and recreating his shrinking suit. And finally, that little guy in Civil War whose family was killed when the Avengers fought the evil robot that Tony Stark created.
I need water.
My point here is that nearly every villain in the Avengers universe exists either because the hero did something to piss them off first or through the same magical technology that allowed the good guy to exist in the first place. Meaning that the world would be objectively better if humanity simply didn't try to create people weapons in the first place. When you really dig into it, even the forming of the Avengers is like some crazy MC Escher logic. Starting with the ending of Iron Man. I'm here to talk to you about the Avenger Initiative. He said, having no knowledge that Captain America would be unfrozen or that aliens exist or that Hydra was back, or having any reason to want a super powered A-Team. What was Nick's original plan here? Have the Hulk smash ISIS? He's like the Krieger of S.H.I.E.L.D. toiling away with his kooky crime fighting team that just happens to be needed. And by just happens, I mean Nick Fury created the need for them when he let Loki back into our world with the Tesseract. Thanks, Nick. You're only slightly better than Superman who managed to explode the city of Gotham because he sent out a beacon that attracted Zod to Earth.
That movie fucking sucked.
I'm back on board. This is fun again.
Let's say you're a billionaire living in some swampy concrete jungle filled with crime and poverty. How do you fix the situation? Do you use your money to create better schools and community centers? Perhaps build some kind of cheap public transportation in the form of a dangerously elevated monorail system? Did you build this train then? People less fortunate than us, though, during very hard times. So we built a new cheap public transportation system. Or option B. You spend all your money on an elaborate underground layer where you tear up rooftops with your Ferrari tank as you try to personally punch every criminal until your presence attracts higher scale crime and turns everyday city life into a roulette of tragedy while dressed nothing like a bat, by the way.
Nothing like a bat.
Am I crazy? Why aren't we talking about this?
Yeah, he chose that one, by the way. Hey, Bruce, remember when your company was funding things like orphanages before it ran out of money because you were spending all your time fighting a clown? Maybe there's a lesson to be had from all this. I mean, you could power the entire city with your arc reactor alone, so perhaps... Oh wait, no, sorry. That's the other billionaire who uses all of his money to personally fight crime instead of helping the world through some practical method.
Stark Tower is about to become a beacon of self-sustaining clean energy. Hey, T. Stark. How's that fully sustainable city-powering reactor going?
You know, the one you've been talking about for, like, 10 films. But I guess you've got better things to invent, like hovercraft aircraft carriers and bizarrely specific Iron Man watch gloves. Oh, wait, what you got there? I'm going to an extremely advanced holographic computer and AI? Care to share that with the rest of the world? Or...oh, never mind. Guess we still have regular old bullshit computers and cars that don't hover or run on sustainable power. It's cool, bro. It's not like you can invent an army of robots to fix all the buildings you blew up after swearing to not blow things up anymore. I came to realize that I have more to offer this world than just making things to blow up.
The only reason that superhero universes seem like fun places to live is because we're seeing them through the eyes of the super power. Take your Avengers, Justice League, X-Mander, whatever team Blade is on, and imagine them from the civilian perspective. Suddenly, they are less like a squad of saviors and more like horsemen of a really strange apocalypse where a big green giant might suddenly burst through your livelihood for reasons unknown. Do you think insurance is going to cover a projectile science monster careening through your windshield? Or do you have to buy the separate superhero coverage instead? What's that like? Sorry, we can't cover the punisher throwing a grenade in your car because you selected the superhero plan. And that guy's more of an ambiguous type, anti-hero type, so... You might want to consider building some kind of mechanized suit and getting revenge instead. Or maybe rob a bank, since all the police suck now.
Yeah, just shoot at that populated skyscraper. Shoot it right in its skyscraper face.
No wonder crime shot way up when Peter Parker quit. I'm sure all the best cops left when Spider-Man ruined their jobs in that previous point I mentioned. At least he got rebooted into the Avengers universe, where all the police have to worry about is rubble searches and the slurry of financial suicides that must come with every major corporation becoming a jack-in-the-box for mechanized world domination.
The new Stark Industries business plan! Yeah, remember that scene? Kind of makes you wonder what the Mad Money episode was like after Stark Industries partially blew up because the highest in command had a robot grapple. Or when Justin Hammer built defense robots that tried to kill everyone and exploded the expo center. Or when advanced idea mechanics had the mechanically advanced idea of killing the president. Must be a real comfort living in an exploding world when the vice president is hauled off for treason in the same week you find out that the most wanted terrorist was really the Mickey Mouse for what you thought was the next Google.
You made yourself sad again. You ruined another thing you like.
Join us next month when our topic will be a montage of coffee shop girls throughout history Daniel thought were flirting with him but were actually just being nice. Spoilers, it was all of them? Even Cleo?
No! I'll be fine. Bye.
Hey everyone, thank you for watching Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder. We do it every month. Make sure you like and subscribe for more of this and more of the other kinds of things that we do.
This episode was not brought to you by Irish Spring. I have no permission to mention them in it. I have no permission to mention Cleo.
He was a real person. But you won't be able to track her down because she spells her name weird. K-L-I-O. Between you and me. Seriously.
Besides the hockey pants, what is the difference between him and those gun-toting vigilantes? The only contrast I see is that bats causes way more property damage before making every scrap of evidence inadmissible in court because the crime scene's been contaminated by a stranger in a go-go gadget gimp suit. And everything I've just said here applies to literally every other costume crime fighter.
Jimmy. How'd you like something to get out of prison? Why? The appeals court called Superman as a witness and he wasn't around. Do you have money?
This one scene means everybody Superman has ever caught never went to jail. He's just an immortal alien playing cop.
And we're all humoring him because we know we can tear us in half like a bushel of celery. And I don't want to get too technical with my next point but I organize my life in such a way that allows me to have a show where I don't have to answer to anyone because I don't like being told what to do. And at any rate, by the time you see this video, I'll have already filmed it, meaning you couldn't stop me even if you wanted to but you don't because you love me. It's true. Me saying that means it's canon. You love me.
So I will get technical because I lied before. I do want to get technical.
Dear Spider-Man, the average response time to a 911 call in New York City is just under seven and a half minutes. Spider-Sense lightning-quick reflexes the ability to avoid all non-vert traffic but Spider-Man's response time to an in-progress crime closes at let's say two to three minutes which sounds like it would save a lot of time because Spider-Man leaves his criminals in webs throughout the city. Montage of that so Daniel can breathe. That webbing made of a high tensile steel is strong, stronger than something you or I as non-Spider-Men and women can rip apart. The web is designed to dissolve after about two hours which means that's how much time NYPD cops need to wait around for every case involving Spider-Man's webbing. Spider-Man stopped Dr. Octopus and the police couldn't. That's true. But it's also true that half the police force was tied up waiting around two hours for every single criminal trapped in and occasional bullet train riding bystander saved by Spidey's webbing. Occupying that much police time on every case couldn't possibly make the streets safer.
Spider-Man is awful. This sucks.
I said I didn't want to do this. All right.
Not in ya. Did we not... I don't see it. Did we not get the Irish... No sponsors at all?
What do they say? Something about my face, voice, and the way I say things?
Okay, what a... Across the board, objectionable. Unoff. Okay.
Good note. Deep note. Good note.
All right. F*** it. Irish Spring is a soap for s***heads. We'll edit this out. Okay.
So let's take a moment to go through every Marvel villain since the cinematic universe started. Obadiah Stane. Tony Stark's jealous business partner wearing a robot suit based on Tony's design. Abomination. An ogre created with the Hulk's blood.
Ivan Whiplash. Vanko, a Russian maniac angry at Tony's father surrounded by Tony's rival.
Loki. Thor's jealous alien brother who tries to kill him on Earth after Thor was expelled here for being a smug dick. Red Skull. A red skull gentleman made with the same super serum for Captain America. Loki.
Again. Phase Two.
Captain America's friend who got brainwashed by Hydra who was secretly S.H.I.E.L.D. Ronan, a blue man who was after Peter Quill for stealing some magic orb. He was obsessed with getting Hank's approval and recreating his shrinking suit. And finally, that little guy in Civil War whose family was killed when the Avengers fought the evil robot that Tony Stark created.
I need water.
My point here is that nearly every villain in the Avengers universe exists either because the hero did something to piss them off first or through the same magical technology that allowed the good guy to exist in the first place. Meaning that the world would be objectively better if humanity simply didn't try to create people weapons in the first place. When you really dig into it, even the forming of the Avengers is like some crazy MZ Escher logic. Starting with the ending of Iron Man. I'm here to talk to you about the Avenger Initiative. He said, having no knowledge that Captain America would be unfrozen or that aliens exist or that Hydra was back or having any reason to want a super powered A-Team. What was Nick's original plan here? Have the Hulk smash ISIS? He's like the Krieger of S.H.I.E.L.D. toiling away with his kooky crime fighting team that just happens to be needed. And by just happens, I mean Nick Fury created the need for them when he let Loki back into our world with the Tesseract.
Thanks Nick. You're only slightly better than Superman, who managed to explode the city of Gotham because he sent out a beacon that sucked. I'm back on board, this is fun again.
Let's say you're a billionaire living in some swampy concrete jungle filled with crime and poverty. How do you fix the situation? Do you use your money to create better schools and community centers? Perhaps build some kind of cheap public transportation in the form of a dangerously elevated monorail system? Could you build this train back? People less fortunate than us, they'll be the enduring very hard times. So we build a new cheap public transportation system. Or option B. You spend all your money on an elaborate underground layer where you tear up rooftops with your Ferrari tank and you personally punch every criminal until your presence attracts higher scale crime and turns everyday city life into a roulette of tragedy while dressed nothing like a bat, by the way.
Nothing like a bat? Am I crazy? Why aren't we talking about this?
Yeah, he chose that one, by the way. Hey Bruce, remember when your company was funding things like orphanages before it ran out of money because you were spending all your time fighting a clown? Maybe there's a lesson to be had from all this. I mean, you could power the entire city with your arc reactor alone so perhaps... Oh wait, no, sorry. That's the other billionaire who uses all of his money to personally fight crime instead of helping the world through some practical method.
Stark Tower is about to become a beacon of self-sustaining, clean energy. Hey T. Stark, how's that fully sustainable city-powering reactor going?
You know, the one you've been talking about for like 10 films. But I guess you've got better things to invent like hovercraft aircraft carriers and bizarrely specific Iron Man watch gloves. Why won't you got there? I'm going to the extremely advanced holographic computer and AI. Care to share that with the rest of the world? Nevermind. Guess we still have regular old bullshit computers and cars that don't hover and run on sustainable power. It's cool bro. It's not like you can invent an army of robots to fix all the buildings you blew up after swearing to not blow things up anymore. I came to realize that I have more to offer this world than just making things to blow up.
The only reason that superhero universes seem like fun places to live is because we're seeing them through the eyes of the superpower. Take your Avengers, Justice League, X-Men or whatever team Blade is on and imagine them from the civilian perspective. They are less like a squad of saviors and more like horsemen of a really strange apocalypse where a big green giant might suddenly burst through your livelihood for reasons unknown. Do you think insurance is going to cover a projectile science monster careening through your windshield or do you have to buy the separate superhero coverage instead? What's that like? Sorry, we can't cover the punisher throwing a grenade in your car because you selected the superhero plan and that guy's more of an ambiguous type, anti-hero type, so you might want to consider building some kind of mechanized suit and getting revenge instead would suck now.
Yeah, just shoot at that populated skyscraper. Shoot it right in its skyscraper face.
No wonder crime shot way up when Peter Parker quit. I'm sure all the best cops left when Spider-Man ruined their jobs in that previous point I mentioned. At least he got rebooted into the Avengers universe where all the police have to worry about is rubble searches and the slurry of financial suicides that must come with every major corporation becoming a jack-in-the-box for mechanized world domination.
The new Stark industry business plan! Yeah, remember that scene? Kind of makes you wonder what the Mad Money episode was like after Stark Industries partially blew up because the highest in command had a robot grapple. Or when Justin Hammer built defense robots that tried to kill everyone and exploded the Expo Center. Or when advanced idea mechanics had the mechanically advanced idea of killing the President. Must be a real comfort living in an exploding world when the Vice President is hauled off for treason in the same week you find out that the most wanted terrorist was really the Mickey Mouse for what you thought was the next Google. Congratulations superheroes you've chosen all the biggest financial hubs in America to use as your doomsday mosh pit. Great job making every major city an elaborate running man game show where you're either dodging rubble or getting caught in man-sized spider webs.
Congratulations Daniel you made yourself sad again you ruined another thing you like. Join us next month when our topic will be a montage of coffee shop girls throughout history Daniel thought we're flirting with him but we're actually just being nice. Spoilers, it was all of them? Even Cleo?
No! Yeah, I'll be fine. Bye!
Hey everyone, thank you for watching Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder we do it every month make sure you like and subscribe for more of this and more of the other kinds of things that we do. This episode was not brought to you by Irish Spring I have no permission to mention them in it. I have no permission to mention Cleo who's a real person but you won't be able to track her down because she spells her name weird. K-L-I-O |
SaturdayNightLive | shana_basketball_practice_snl | Shookus and Miller have beaten us in every corporate basketball game. we have to win.
I hope Mr. Kearns gets here soon so we can start warming up. Hey, speaking of warming up, I heard that sexy new girl Shanna was gonna be here. Oh, really? nice. Guys, really? again with the Shanna? yeah, again with the Shanna. can we please change the subject? All right. who's gonna make some baskets with me, huh, Team? that's right. Mr. Kearns, I bought you one of those protein shakes you like. Ah, sure. that's good. when's Shanna getting here? Hi, everybody. hi. I hope it's okay that I stop by this hot gym. Oh, that's great. wonderful policy dance. you know, it's so nice of you to cheer us on. I mean, thanks for bringing the pom-poms. yeah. yeah, and those red things, too.
I'm a little nervous. it's been a while since I really shook him hard. Well, it's no time like giving him a shake right now. Okay. Moses.
I want to see her do that under a sprinkler. she is terrific. she's a downright triple hottie, y'all. Mr. Kearns, do you want your protein shake now? Oh, I'm gonna need some energy today. I wish I had a protein shake.
Here, take this. thank you. Oh, it looks like all the stuff is still on the bottom. How do I mix it up again? just go like this? yeah, try that. that's perfect. that's perfect. just keep going like this. just keep going like that. just keep doing that. Or maybe I can mix it up like this. Man, especially. Here I go.
Well, that was different. that was sexy to the power of nothing. uh-oh. Oh, that swallowing gave me the burpees. excuse me. that was so cute. so cute. I think I can feel an even more tinier one. that was a lot bigger than I thought. Don't worry. it's natural. for home.
Mr. Kearns, I forgot to tell you. I sent your Halloween party invitations out a few days early.
I did good, right? yeah, yeah, I got great. Shanna, please come. Oh, I love Halloween parties. last year I went to a party, and I only wore a cellophane. and I told everyone I was a left-over. did you guys ever say through? I would love to see pictures of that. Do you guys want to hear a story about it? Yes, absolutely. here it goes.
Well, the party was in a barn with animals and hay, and we played old-timey games like bobbing for apples.
So I went over to the barrel, and I pulled my hair back, and I bent way over. and I put my face in the water, and the funny thing is, I didn't pull up an apple. it was a big, round, squishy cow dump. and it was squishing around in my mouth. And then I chewed it, and I was so embarrassed to just swallow it. then my breath smelled like a real bad stinky cowboy. I think my brain just threw up.
Oh, come on, guys. things happened. she did the best she could in a weird situation. Yeah. guys, the game's going to start soon. don't you think it's safe? Oh, I have an idea. why don't I give you a little cheer before you can start it? Yes, yes, absolutely. Now, look at that. And here's my favorite part, Okay? Go, team!
I'm going to go be by myself. Yeah, I'm going with you. me too, as well. Thanks a lot, Beth.
What? Shanna, would you like to go cheese sampling with me and then talk about cheese afterward? Oh, would I?
I'm so excited. when I get excited, I look like this. Oh, wait, that's not it. I think it's this. you are a starburst nebula. Oh, so are you. Oops. when I did that cheer, I got so hot. you can keep your cheek off my sweater. Oh, yeah. okay. see you later. that woman just gives me the shippers. |
dropout | hair_dye_for_a_single_gray_hair | Is it gray hair? Has your hair lost that luster? I look like I'm 12 years old and I have gray hair. How is this happening? Then you should try Just For Guys, a single gray hair.
Yeah, fucking hurry. Come on.
I wasn't even confident before. There was supposed to be a step in between.
Simply drag the brush across the hair.
This is some goddamn bullshit right here. It's just that easy. Fuck my life. And no one will even know the difference. Also available from the makers of single gray hair. I've got to be fucking kidding me. Just For Guys, I guess it's more like a few gray hairs.
Why? Who are you talking to? Why?
Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching.
Click here to subscribe or you can click over here for something else fun. You can also click here if you want to feed me clicks. I like them. Mmm. Clicks. |
dropout | adam_ruins_everything_christopher_columbus_was_a_murderous_moron | Today, we'll learn about Christopher Columbus, the heroic explorer who discovered America and proved the Earth was round. Actually, Columbus was an incompetent buffoon who never even set foot in America. Hush, hush. We all know Columbus wasn't perfect. That's an understatement. The real story of Columbus is even worse and weirder than you think. All aboard the Magic Moon! First of all, Columbus couldn't have discovered that the Earth was round because in his time, it was already common knowledge.
The globe's for sale. The perfectly ordinary globe's for sale.
Oh, what? Then why did it take until 1492 for anyone to sail the ocean blue? Simple.
Back then, they didn't know the Americas existed, so navigators thought there was no way a ship could make it all the way from Europe to Asia. So Columbus set sail because he was brave. Nope. He set sail because he was a doofus who was terrible at math. Instead of trusting the experts, Columbus believed the Earth was thou... |
cracked | fozzie_bear_was_inspired_by_a_legendary_comedian | Do you know that Fuzzy Bear was actually based on an actual comic? The Muppet gang just wouldn't be the same without Fuzzy Bear, the stand-up comedian known for his lovably corny jokes. It's not hard to feel bad for Fuzzy, who was routinely heckled during his stand-up segments by two a-holes who were somehow able to retain box seats for the entirety of The Muppet Show.
Did Stadler and Waldorf own that theater or something?
Sorry, no foreign words! Next! The word is only foreign to you! Truth!
Anybody else? Over there!
The original plan for Fuzzy Bear was for him to absolutely slay on stage. According to Jim Henson, the biography by Brian J. Jones, Fuzzy was initially patterned off of comedian Red Skelton.
I mean, the hat's a dead giveaway.
As Henson himself stated, We knew we wanted to have a stand-up comedian. We had in mind a Red Skelton-type character that was a bundle of anxieties off stage and a gung-ho storyteller up front. Which, to be honest, probably describes most successful comedians.
No bad for Fuzzy, who was routinely heckled during his stand-up segments by two a-holes who were somehow able to retain box seats for the entirety of The Muppet Show. Did Stadler and Waldorf own that theater or something?
Sorry, no foreign words! Next! The word is only foreign to you! Truth!
Anybody else? Over there!
Surprisingly, the original plan for Fuzzy Bear was for him to absolutely slay on stage. According to Jim Henson, the biography by Brian J. Jones, Fuzzy was initially patterned off of comedian Red Skelton.
I mean, the hat's a dead giveaway.
As Henson himself stated, We knew we wanted to have a stand-up comedian. We had in mind a Red Skelton-type character that was a bundle of anxieties off stage and a gung-ho storyteller up front. Which, to be honest, probably describes most successful comedians. |
dropout | rock_paper_stabbing_contest | which is why I clone dinosaurs and then kill them all again stop calling me stupid stop being stupid 50 bucks says Jason wins any takers for centuries the highest members of society settled disputes with dangerous sometimes deadly do what makes this any different guys stop she's gearing up for a lesson no no lesson needed and they could be pretty weird we get it fighting is bad we're best bloods now pointers at three paces in the early 1800s things are tense between political factions the royalists who supported the return of the monarchy and the imperialists who supported napoleon duels were a legal way to fight and kill your enemies and people like colonel barbier dufy were looking to start fights with royalists oops no problem oh pardon me no pardon me sir you seem to be stumbling a lot do you need a doctor i walk where i want to walk you piece of shit okay have a nice day yeah well your hat is dumb my heart my oil hat i'll fucking kill you imperious god these morons fight over the smallest thing it was an insult who is that but also to his royalist leanings and his honor the two decided to resolve their differences with the very unusual will do we set seat in the back of this carriage tied together with one hand tied behind our backs and we will fight with daggers sounds cool go on the carriage will make two laps around the plus do carousel whoever is alive at the end who is i seen a problem with this what the fuck so they just had a stabbing contest pretty much let's do this oh shit this is gonna be bad hole died dufy survived but barely he was stabbed four times in the chest and his face and chin were torn by raul's teeth yay i won so two nobodies had an idiotic fight that doesn't mean people condoned this behavior they're just as stupid as brad and jason it's not just morons and petty fights histories most influential figures have engaged in duels including america's early leader like hamilton oh my god are we going to see hamilton oh my god no even i can't get into hamilton and i'm borderline magic no we're gonna go see andrew jackson jackson oh if you liked that episode of wtf 101 i have good news there's way more of it and dropout dropout is a new premium ad free and uncensored and uncensored comedy platform from college humor go to dropout tv and start your free trial today hey i won huh i guess with violence everyone loses |
wearethesundayblues | project_trapped_winner_announcement_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | What are we laughing at? I'm Nick, this is Gareth. We're from Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues.
We're contractually obliged to be here today to draw the winner of Project Trapped. This person's gonna win a holiday with 60,000 rand. Sounds quite nice. It's a good holiday. Alright, well, let's draw the winner. What are you doing? I'm drawing the winner.
Yeah, but that's a kettle. Yes, I know it's a kettle. I can only really draw kettles.
I've been practicing my whole life. Look at the shading, though. I'm really proud of it.
Yeah, look, it's immaculate, but the winner's not going to be a kettle, are they? Yeah, well, there might be. A winner can't be filled up with water and plugged in at the wall. That's ridiculous. Yeah, not likely. Maybe the surname's kettle. Oh, maybe. Let's check. No, no, it's not. Brilliant.
There goes that. Alright, let's just get this over with, shall we?
You tweeted us to form a clip of palm reading. So we did, and your clip was the one chosen to win. And not because it was the funniest clip, but because you asked your friends on social media for an entire week, and now you've managed to win because they voted every day.
Beer pressure. Monica Lag. You've won the holiday. Worth 60 grand. Not some dollars. Unless you got something else on that week.
Oh, she probably can't get out of that, eh? Oh, no, definitely not.
Or you could take us with. Just stop being selfish. Just me, not Gareth. What? Oh, come on. You've seen his snoring in the clips. You don't want to share a room with him. Unless you like pale chunky guys. Just take me.
Unbelievable. Congratulations, Monica Lang. You've won the main prize. Unbelievable. |
dropout | housemates_of_horror_house_party | This is the horrifying story of seven killers, man-men, and potty animals. To party like it's the night before Judgment Day. Throw in a good old-fashioned Halloween get-together. That will toll in the coming of a new age of misery. This is the horror house. Party. So we moved! Carrie sort of freaked out and burnt down our old house, but we found a new place, and since Halloween is right around the corner, we gonna party.
It's all for you, Damien. A leather face! Are those jack-o'-lanterns coming, buddy?
No, no! You should probably just use a knife!
It actually went pretty smoothly. Then the guests started to arrive.
Ladies, how's it going? Hello? Oh, hello, ladies! Alright, looking...
It's not cool, Chucky. I was expecting a disaster, but everything just kind of worked out. Like, first, I thought T-100 was drunk, right? But then I realized, he doesn't drink. No, it's not a costume. It's just me. Whoa, man. Is this not acceptable party attire? No, no, it's not. Put on some clothes. I was unaware. I'm sorry.
I will acquire some clothing. Your clothes! Give them to me, now! Come on, dude!
I was this close! I was really worried when Leatherface demanded to DJ. I thought it would be all, like, deep Texas country music.
But the dude actually has really good taste. Awesome! Yellow shots! The food? It was fun. I made them. They're sweet and green. Why? I'm all yours. I'm very scary. So, yeah. Soil and green is people. But despite some slight bumps, everything was going great. Then the thing I was afraid of. Can I just say something?
I'm so thrilled to have you all here. When I told mom when we were having this party, she said, They're all gonna laugh at you. You scamps! You almost got me! I couldn't believe it. We made it through the night.
And my buddy, the Predator, introduced me to a lady. Really? She's in there waiting for me. And how do you know her? Well, any friend of yours is afraid. Hello?
I don't usually kiss and tell. But I wouldn't call that kissing.
She was latched on, bro! Oh, no. No. No! Come on! |
cracked | 7_tricky_ways_the_women_s_clothing_industry_is_scamming_you | Hey guys, it's Maggie Mae Fish here with Cracked and I apologize for wearing this ridiculous outfit but it is literally the only clothing that I have in my closet that isn't falling apart. I am calling for a boycott folks, an old fashioned tea in the harbor style boycott. I'm boycotting clothes. Okay, not, not all clothes, I'm, I'm sure there are some shorts and t-shirts out there with thick long lasting fabrics and made to last stitching. Unfortunately that type of clothing, the ones meant for humans to wear for protection from the elements, well they're not found at Forever 21 or Macy's or anywhere in a women's aisle in any store. I am boycotting women's clothing.
The seven trillion dollar clothing industry is taking us for fools guys. They make paper thin clothing, glue rhymestones on the collar and purposely create an industry where no one can get ahead and that is just the tip of the Gucci iceberg. Shopping for women's clothing is like a zombie apocalypse outbreak. It started like a fun action flick but now it is ruining my life.
I'll tell you my beef and if you end up agreeing with me, feel free to join my survival team. Heads up, it's probably going to be a nudist colony.
Firstly, they make our clothing incredibly thin. Let me show you what we're working with here. This is a man shirt. See how it's made out of actual fabric that should be worn by a human? This is a woman shirt. It looks like it was woven together by old spider webs. Then equals cheap and if you're only weaving half the thickness of regular fabric then you can make twice as more in the shorter amount of time.
This leads to a phenomenon scientists refer to as freezing my balls off. We don't walk down a dark alley at night with you and say I'm cold. To seduce you, it's because my right arm is numb. I've lost a feeling in my toes and maybe this alley will block some wind.
But hey, you know what, actually, it's a good thing that their coats are on sale. I guess I have to buy one of those to cover me up. Do you see the trap they have laid out for us? Have you ever worn a woman's jacket?
Try to put your keys into a pocket only to realize that you have been duped. There is no pocket. Jeans have fake pockets, skirts have fake pockets, and it doesn't stop there. Women's fashions are littered with fake buckles, fake zippers, fake buttons, even fake diamonds.
Who do they think they're kidding? Look at this! This button is not needed to further the function of these shorts. They're like stairs that lead to nowhere. I cannot describe to you the feeling of walking out of an old navy with a extra small shirt and stepping into a Forever 21 and being escorted into the 21 plus section by a 16 year old as if I offended someone. But the thing is, I am not crazy. They are crazy.
There is no standard for applying sizes and yes, I am talking directly to you, Victoria Secret. I know that I am not a 32D. Tara Reid is a 32D. Somewhere in the back I imagine they have a conversion chart from normal sizes to Victoria Secret sizes that inflates our ego. You truly do know how to make mountains out of these bowl hills. Stores, of course, do this on purpose and change their sizes according to what's popular at the time. See, in 1937, a 32 inch bust would have been a size 14, a size 8, a size 16, and guess what? It's now a size zero.
I told you I'm not crazy. It's insane. It makes shopping online impossible. I'm not crazy. It's insane. It makes shopping online impossible. I'm not crazy.
Others add these cheap fake tassels to your clothing to give the appearance of a better quality product. But you're just buying this decorated spider web junk and watching it fall apart before your eyes, making you run back to the store to replace your sequined loin cloth. I realize I'm being a little harsh on clothing stores. It's not entirely the fault of the manufacturer that they only make shirts out of old butterfly wings. You need to make clothing so cheap and so fast like crack cocaine to keep up with the fashion seasons. I mean you can't sell 1000 old navy t-shirts in the summer if they're clearly camo green. Though it turns out fashion seasons are not as life and death as duck season or rabbit season but are actually completely made up to sell some old navy tank tops. See back in the 1940's and 50's there was only the spring summer season for lighter clothing and fall winter for jackets and more. Fast forward to today and now every two weeks is a new micro season and that is a very real fashion term designed to make you feel like an ugly geek nerd right after the charge on your credit card has been cleared. Now we're getting into the nitty gritty. Did you know that your clothing has more hazardous waste woven into the fabric than your local land dump?
Look at the t-shirt you're wearing. It probably looks innocent. Maybe it has a Beatles quote on it.
There are most likely more than 8,000 synthetic chemicals seeped right into that shoddy stitching. The chemicals used in processing have been linked to infertility, respiratory diseases, contact dermatitis and of course cancer. For example, did you know that the United States is the only country that hasn't banned the use of formaldehyde to make your clothing? Your pants are literally trying to kill you.
So the next time you take a big whiff of your ex's old t-shirt remember that it is full of that synthetic chemical soup. And also their sweat and that is disgusting and please just throw it away. Besides they don't love you anymore anyway so why do you still have it?
Much like your local small town band who claims Kiss stole the cords for rock and roll all night from the song they played at your prom, your fashion industry is also known for its use of smaller artist's work without their permission. Only these claims are much more credible. I'm sorry death to principles but Kiss has never heard of you. Each year clothing stores like Urban Outfitters and Zara have been caught stealing styles, designs, patterns and even specific items from independent fashion makers and artists.
Hey, hey let's play a game. Let's play Guess Who, shall we?
Here is a pattern made by an artist. And this is a skirt that Urban Outfitters claims they came up with on their own. Hey let's do another one. This is a necklace that artist Stevie Corner makes. And this is a necklace that Urban Outfitters says that they thought up while drinking coffee one morning. And probably Google searching cool necklace designs.
Did you just rip off your button up shirt? Are you fed up now because I am? I can't spend another day shelling out my entire bank account so that I don't get another public decency impression. So I'm calling a boycott baby.
I refuse to buy from stores that steal from artists just trying to make a living. I shop in the boys section where I can to save some moolah. And I try to buy items that don't contain chemicals.
That basically leaves me with a coconut bra and a grass skirt. But hey, it's better than a t-shirt that you can see my bra through with the design stolen from a struggling 22-year-old kid in college. Ah, that's better, nice and breezy. Aloha, Aloha, or down with clothing industry and burn them to the ground.
Hey, you like stand up, come see the crack stand up show. It's happening January 26th at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles. If you want to see amazing comedians, including our own Teresa Lee, go to nerdmeltla.com slash tickets. And if you want to see this brick wall all by itself, keep watching. |
Wizards_with_Guns | three_chefs_cook_the_same_dish_one_secretly_has_brain_damage_ | Hi, I'm Philip and I'm a level one chef. I'm Matteo and I'm a level two chef.
Hi, I'm Hillary. This morning, a boat propeller cut my dog in half.
I think the trick to a good eggs Benedict is to toast the English muffins just right. I'm toasting these with a homemade herb butter just to get a real nice crust. One Uncrustable is never enough, really. I'm gonna use my grandma's recipe for the Hollandaise sauce. I'm whisking these egg yolks till I get an even consistency and then we'll add the seasoning. Ooh, ooh, would you do that? You're gonna wanna start with a base layer of garnish. My dad says just a splash of vinegar goes a long way with a poached egg.
What, what are you doing? What are you doing?
Now that we got an even consistency, my doctor says just a splash of vinegar is too small. You gotta spend sauce to make sauce. He stole my eggs. He took the whole bowl. And then he hit me really hard in the chest. Oh, oh, this one's blue. Mm, that smell takes me back. My mom used to make this for me every Sunday morning. How much for just half of a dog casket? Can I get new eggs?
Oh, what is this? Huh! Almost done. Okay, moment of truth. Sorry that took so long. Here we go. Voila. Oh yeah. What is this? Wait, where's my food? Mm, happy hollandaise. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Mm, just like my mom used to make. Did use a little too much salt. I'm not eating this. Ugh!
Thanks for having me. This was fun. Maybe next time I'm on, I'll be a level higher. Gotta catch up to keep up. Toast the English muffins just right. You're gonna be like, you're about to hit me again.
Ugh! |
ClickHole | two_years_ago_this_man_was_500_pounds_now_he_is_two_men_who_weigh_250_pounds_ | Two years ago, I was losing my will to live. I was struggling with depression, and as a result, I let my weight get out of hand. At one point, I weighed 506 pounds. My doctor told me if I didn't change something, I could die.
My wife, Sarah, said she wasn't ready to be a widow. She said, Paul, if you won't live for yourself, then I need you to live for me and Daniel.
I decided to take action. I started jogging and exercising every day and working to take control of my diet.
It wasn't easy, but with the support of my family and friends, I was able to turn my life around. In just two years, I went from being over 500 pounds to being two men who weigh 250 pounds. I got my life back. I'm two men who weigh 250 pounds, and it feels amazing. If just two years ago, you told me I would one day be a pair of active, equally proportioned men, I would have said you're crazy. I'd lost all hope. Now, not only do I have hope, but I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm two guys, but I'm enjoying life more than ever. I love him, and I'm so proud of the man he's become. I remember those days when he couldn't even get out of bed because of his weight.
And I remember thinking, this isn't who he's supposed to be. And sure enough, I was right. This is who he's supposed to be.
Two loving, caring, 250 pound men with a long life ahead of him. I've still got a long way to go on this journey to being healthy. I still got four love handles to work off, but I'll get there. You know, I loved him when he weighed 500 pounds, and I love him now that he weighs 500 pounds divided across two bodies. What matters to me is that he's alive, and at the end of the day, I still have two sweet men to fall asleep next to.
Turning my life around was the hardest thing I've ever done. But if a guy like me can buckle down and become two 250 pound men, then anyone can. You just gotta believe in yourself. |
TheOnion | Story_Of_Small_Businessman_Struggling_Under_Obama_Administration_Draws_To_Close | The finale of Breaking Bad airs tonight, bringing an end to the story of a small businessman struggling under the Obama administration. Screen scene TV critic Ray Randolph is joining us. Ray, how excited are you? I cannot wait. Everyone who's been following this show's relentless attack on liberal economic policies is on the edge of their seat. All Walter White wants is to provide for his family, but the government will not stop getting in his way. Ray, what makes Breaking Bad so good? It's the tragic and believable arc of Walter White. He's a hard-working entrepreneur, but in Obama's America, he's gotta jump through hoops to make sure the government doesn't take all his money. The show is so intense. Absolutely. Remember, Breaking Bad started with a very simple premise.
Obama is destroying the Constitution.
These writers did an amazing job showing Walt's transformation from visionary job creator to desperate hermit as he's choked by onerous government regulations. When we first meet this man, he's working two jobs to get by. He's determined to pull himself up by his bootstraps. But by the end, he's bankrupt, alone, and battling cancer under the looming specter of Obamacare. And what a performance from Bryan Cranston. Truly. He really makes you see how everyday Americans are being crushed beneath Commandant Obama's boot heel. It turns him into a maniac, and all the red tape forces him to let go of employees, often without warning.
Ray, where does Breaking Bad rank on your all-time show list? Easily number one. No doubt, this show demonstrated throughout its entire run.
The American dream is dead, and Barack Hussein Obama killed it. Thanks, Ray. Next up, a new study shows people prefer to watch movies while getting a blowjob. |
TheOnion | Will_Missing_The_NCAA_Tournament_Affect_Sister_Jean_s_Draft_Stock | Folks, so far March Madness has not disappointed. Buzzer beaters. Upsets.
But the one thing that is missing out there?
Sister Jean on the court for the Loyola Ramblers. And you gotta wonder how missing this year's NCAA tournament is going to affect her draft stock. Look, I'm not saying she's no longer an NBA lottery pick. That hasn't changed. She's still top 15 for me. But I could see her getting bumped out of the top 7 after some good performances from players like Shea Gilges Alexander and Wendell Carter Jr. But hey, that's not necessarily a bad thing though. There are plenty of NBA teams between picks 8 and 15 that are in need of a good, solid point guard who can play right away, which is exactly what Sister Jean is going to bring you. And listen, I know I've been on the Sister Jean bandwagon all season long, and that NBA scouts won't be able to see how she performs under the pressures of the NCAA tournament.
But look at her body of work and what she brings to the table. She can read defenses on the fly. She drives hard to the bucket, knows how to finish. She's good on both sides of the ball. She's got speed. And most importantly, she's a glue player.
They're struggling to find their identity out there on the court without her. It's no surprise Loyola had to rely on a junkie miracle shot at the last second to get to the sweet 16. What is it, like a plus 28.5 net rating for Loyola when she's on the court? What else do you need to know? She's a game changer. Shouldn't stats like that actually help Sister Jean's draft stock? And as she ends up dropping in the first round, don't be surprised to see Greg Popovich and the Spurs pull a trade to move up a few spots and grab her. I think it's a great fit for her and San Antonio.
With the spotlight of March Madness shining down on the NCAA, I think it's time we finally talk about how the NCAA should start paying its coaches. Listen, every year the coaches bring billions of dollars to the NCAA through the tournament, conference championships, and TV deals. And how much is the NCAA giving the coaches for all that? Not a cent. Look at Coach Mike Krzyzewski. Somebody explain to me how it makes sense that a court can be named Coach K. Court, but he can't be compensated by the NCAA. How do you think that makes him feel when he looks at his name all over the gym and realizes he's not getting a penny from it? When you consider the fact that some of these guys have dedicated their entire lives to this sport without seeing one paycheck from the NCAA, it's shameful. Thousands of wins and dozens of national championships over the years and what? And the NCAA gives them a trophy every once in a while?
Get real. It's 2018. You're not going to be able to get away with that much longer. At the very least, the coaches should be given a monthly stipend and have their meals comped. Okay sweat buckets, I'm going to take a cold towel break, but when I get back, I'll chat with legendary jockey, Tobey Maguire, about what it was like to ride Seabiscuit. Okay.
The college basketball national championship is just around the corner, which got me to thinking, should the NCAA tournament add another 64 teams to its championship game? Hear me out. A tournament is as competitive as ever, so why not let more teams into the game? It'll increase the level of competition and it'll be fun for the fans.
But what about tradition? Blah, blah, blah.
Basketball has evolved more quickly than the NCAA has been able to keep pace with. I mean, can the best squad in the country really be decided by only two teams? Put the best 64 teams out there, expand the game to eight extra halves, make the basketball hoop 10 feet wide, and may the best team win. I mean, isn't that what it's all about? Fast paced, you know, balls to the wall, 64 teams going at it simultaneously and taking up the entire court. Basketball is chaos. It's supposed to be hard. If 64 teams in the title game is too many, then half the players can just put the other half on their backs. There'll be 15 basketball balls out there. There'll be a water slide at mid-court.
This is your opportunity to shine. If you want it, if you're willing to grab it and block out the fact that the people behind the cameras have no faces and they're screaming at me. Oh, oh, this is bad. I took too many tabs.
This is forever. Oh, this is forever.
We'll be right back. Maybe, maybe, maybe if I stand up. |
SaturdayNightLive | guidance_counselors_snl | Okay, seniors, give it up for your mascots. Sell the Spooked Horse! Yeah!
The Titans counselors wanted to give some advice before graduation season, so please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Barbazar. Hi, Hi, Hi. I'm honored to address the old Dirty Bastard High School Class of 2022. we are so proud of you, but a lot of you may be unsure what to do after high school. there are so many career paths. it's hard to know what you'll like or what you're good at. So our advice to everyone is.
Model. Get Into Modeling. Modeling. Sorry, are you saying we should be models after we graduate? Yes, exactly, Model. our advice to students is Model. because in this moment, you're the youngest you'll ever be and you just missed it. Yep, maybe it'll help. if an Odb alum comes out and talks about her experience modeling. you guys want that? Yeah, you do. Okay, please welcome Spokesperson for Modeling from the class of 2017, Nini Seeps. Nini. thank you so much for having me. when I was in high school, the one thing I wish someone told me was Model. see? Model.
And now I'm proud to say I'm the first person in my family to not go to college. Congratulations.
Nini, the time has come. let's show them how to do 80 poses in five seconds. hit the track. Oh, that was amazing. any questions? Hi, yeah, I'm really good at math and I really love math and I always wanted to be an accountant.
Do I have to be a model? You don't have to, But let me ask you this. Do you want to live in Paris or Syracuse? Do you want to work at H&m or H&r Block? Do you want to do Leonardo Dicaprio or do taxes with someone named Leon?
Nothing. How tall are you? Five, six. keep working on that. You, I like your look. how old are you? 17. that's perfect. stay that age forever. Nini, let's show them 100 faces in five seconds. Go.
This is amazing. that was modeling. Wait, so are you guys models? do you have modeling experience? Yes. on my flight here, someone was choking and people were asking if there was a model on the plane. So I modeled. And I was the last thing he saw. that's amazing. So what do you say, kids? want to come with us and model all over the world? Yes. I'm going to be modeled. me too. Good, So let's start. Everyone do 10,000 poses in one million seconds.
Music. |
dropout | music_festival_boot_camp | Move!
Radio heads up! That's your girlfriend's favorite band! She's gonna be on those shoulders for no less than 30 minutes, and you know she's gonna wanna dance! You just got dumped!
This water is $7. Is that a problem? Sir, no sir! It's only 16.9 fluid ounces.
Do you care?
Shit, I didn't know I was teaching fucking manners too. You gotta be goddamn kidding me! Are you a fucking covered in other people's sweat?
Sir, no sir! Then get back there and do five more times, come back! I say it sir! Move! Go! Time!
Jesus Christ, are you even making an attempt to hide your Kirkland signature vodka?
Sir, yes sir! Cause we were in Coachella right now, you'd be a deep shit motherfucker! Sir, yes sir! Andre Bocelli can spot those blasts from a mile away! And guess what? The only thing he's known for more than his singing is being blind, you fucking idiot! Sir, yes sir!
You have five bands until Lana Del Rey goes on. Do you love this music?
Sir, yes sir! Are you sure it's not just a bunch of loud noises? Sir, no sir! Keep moving! They just decided to play creep! That never happened! Sir, I'm sorry sir! Shut the fuck up grateful dork! Sir, yes sir! Get your shit sorted out! Sir, yes sir!
Yeah, keys for those motherfuckers. Shove them up your little ass, maybe that'll make your voice drop.
Sir, yes sir, yes sir! Right now you sound like a chipmunk, don't you? Sir, yes sir! Are you sure you don't love this music? Sir, yes sir! Yes, the answer is no you dumb motherfuckers, because in fact you do love this music. Sir, yes sir!
Yes, that's right, you gutless motherfuckers! I'm a black beetle, Chris is in the reedle.
God land Atlanta's like the sea and Fred eagles.
Sound check!
Which shitmunk would you be? I'd be having a turn! Bullshit you'd be helping!
Sir, every Theodore's a Theodore, that's right! Well if you're a Theodore, I'm Dave motherfucker!
Please don't make me do it, it's so dirty! You must be crumb dumb shithead! You think the toilet and lollapalooza's gonna be clean? Sir, no sir! I was at Woodstock in 94 and I got shit all over my ass! You think I whine about it?
Sir, no sir! You just bought the rest of the squad, 20 roof raises, everybody arms up, arms up, up, down, up, down! Sir, okay sir! Sir, okay sir, we're learning shit today, you stinky piles of garbage! You don't know shit for brains! Yes sir, sorry sir! Datto, datto, datto, datto!
Now you're making some music!
Yes sir! You ain't got no more TP! Sir, yes sir! You're all out of TP! Sir, yes sir!
I hear those chicken shit turds hitting the water right now as we speak! You're gonna have to use the cardboard! You know what I'm talking about! You gotta use that goddamn cardboard!
Sir, yes sir! Process that! I don't want to go anymore! Are you guys having fun? Sir, yes sir! I can't hear you! Are some of you pieces of shit having fun? Sir, yes sir! Let's fucking dance!
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
dropout | The_Worst_Clothes_You_re_Wearing_This_Summer | Summer is around the corner, we're here with up and coming fashion designer and beauty expert Candace Gladstone to discuss some hot looks for the hottest season. Thank you for having me Angela, it's great to be back, I love fashion. Amazing, let's get started.
Paul here is sporting the loosest clothing he could find in his closet to cover his full body third degree sunburn. Uh oh, call the fire department, that's too hot. Now ideally Paul would be naked in a tub of ice water right now, but unfortunately he has to go coach his nephew's terrible T-bone team. Those kids are non-coordinated, let's get Paul the hell out of here, his blisters are making me gag. Oh, thank you Paul.
Ah, much better, I see Monica is wearing a beautiful summer print maxi dress. That's right, Monica has actually had this little number in her closet with the price tag still on for five years. She decided this was finally the summer where she was going to make dresses her thing. Cute, cute, cute. I love how she clearly got self-conscious right before she left her apartment so she threw on an old hoodie and completely ruined the look. Adorable, thank you Monica.
Now what we have here, Angela, is the classic pale man at the beach look. He's wearing a free t-shirt he got in college, swim trunks he accidentally shrunk in the dryer, and convenience store flip-flops that really show off the dark hairs growing out of his pale, veiny little feet. If I had to guess, Candace, I'd say that man will wear that shirt into the water.
Absolutely. Now this model looks fall-ready. Hello honey, are you on the wrong runway? Karen here said to hell with summer because she looks better in fall clothes. Just barely. Now she is going to be regretting this decision the moment she steps outside. Truly.
What's this Candace? Am I seeing double? Our next model isn't exactly the same outfit as Karen. Same outfit but for very different reasons.
Amy is dressed for the uncomfortable AC that blasts in the office she works in. Brrr. Is that a space heater she's holding now? It is a space heater.
She's going to be very uncomfortable when she gets lunch. She's freezing inside, boiling outside, she never gets to be comfortable.
Never.
Is that a tall little boy? Are you lost honey? Someone call the police. Believe it or not Angela, Eric is a grown man wearing a very normal grown man summer outfit.
No. Yes. Truly? I wouldn't lie. Ever? Maybe once, I did lie once. Oh, you naughty girl. Stop it. Oh. Never call me mine. No. I ain't filthy. No. Do not call me naughty. You tart.
But the bright colors, the pockets, the sandals. Adult men have no other options.
It's either this or they get their ass wet everywhere. Guess I prefer this. We all do.
Look at all these summer outfits. Like most people they are deeply ashamed of parts of their body so they're desperately trying to cover them up while maintaining a summer look.
Wow, that is depressing. If I wasn't heavily medicated, I would feel something.
Ow.
If you feel a tumor and you want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a pack of animal stickers per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live on the Dropout Discord. And exclusive content such as full episodes of my big girl show, The Rank Room.
Invisible identical twins. What's your question? How do you know they're identical? They're invisible.
Sign up for your free trial today. Okay. I'm all done. I want my mommy now. |
TheOnion | Where_Do_You_Rank_On_The_Overall_Mom_Leaderboard | Morning moms! I just got some exciting news. I checked my rankings on the mom leaderboard today and it turns out I jumped to number 276. It's such an honor for me to be ranked the 276th best mom in the world. I've been working so hard to crack the top 300 so when I woke up this morning and saw that I jumped ahead of moms like Jessica Diaz, Monica Healy-Stein and Catherine Bloom, I was ecstatic. I mean there are millions of moms in the world. Moms in Europe and Africa and even China and my maternal abilities have made me the 276th best of all of them. And most of the moms in front of me, Katie Herman, Ellen Chen, Nicole Shapiro, Michelle Obama and Kiara Davis, either have disabled kids or are married to the president. So I'm in pretty prestigious company. That's why I'm going to really take this moment to congratulate myself for climbing this high.
Okay and now to help you mama-sphere, here's how you can improve your rankings on the mom boards. Tip number one, cut corners where you can. Now no one knows who or what monitors us moms and objectively ranks us from best to worst but they aren't omniscient so take advantage of their blind spots. For example, I found that I can feed my kids McDonald's about once a week and if they eat it in the laundry room it doesn't affect my rankings. Tip number two, don't let your children make too many friends. More time with friends means less time with mom which means you care for your children less and your mom's score drops.
Tip number three, smile. Always smile. They like that. They like happy moms who are always smiling, never sad. Remember, they're watching and since I learned to smile in my sleep, my score has skyrocketed and I'm happy.
So, so happy. Okay? Thanks mommers and effeminate poppers. I'm gonna go celebrate. |
cracked | a_sneak_peek_at_disney_s_upcoming_star_wars_movies | Well, it's official Disney owns Lucasfilm and with it the rights to Star Wars They want to release episode 7 in 2015 and then they want to release another episode every two years. Okay, so I need your ideas any Star Wars You've ever wanted to see it's open season. Okay. Okay, so the end of return of the Jedi All right, the Empire dissolves, right? So there's this huge vacuum of power you have all these different factions that are trying to have a Star War To get that power. It's like Star Wars meets Game of Thrones new toy lines alone. Okay, who else so, you know How Vader dies at the end? Okay, right right, right, but he's not really gone He's like a blue force ghost now Okay So what if he sticks around and he hangs out with Luke makes up for lost time that really undermines Oh, he could get parenting advice from Obi-Wan and Yoda's ghosts like a Wilson home improvement thing These are all good ideas.
These are better than the first few.
Don't let anyone tell you differently Stormtroopers because at the end of the war all the stormtroopers are a bunch of homeless out-of-work war vets Except they're all clones of one guy So it's like Star Wars means multiplicity means Rambo and all the homeless vets are Jango Fett and he's like, where's our parade? And the other Jango's are like where is our parade? Cuz where is it, you know, and the people are like get a job You lazy Jango stop saying Jango's I'm sold.
What if the Emperor has a secret son who vows to avenge his father's death and his name could be Darth venger or uh Darth darkness or Don't prevent start the walks are somewhere. Yes, three more good ideas.
I'm banking them Where are we in real time 2060? Thank you. We make a Star Wars up until 2060. It can't have been that long ago Still right because it was a long time ago in 1977 with Star Wars episode 4 can they have caught up now, you know Maybe they interact with with our world or something like that. Maybe they they save Kennedy or they shoot 2062 moving on. All right, so we've seen Star Wars and we know where we're going. We know the future.
But what about the past? You know, how'd we get here?
I'm talking prequel. We track Darth Vader's rise to power. Those are the prequels.
They shot those already. Is that a problem?
No Star Wars means usual suspects Star Wars meets Battlestar Galactica, but literally in the thing Yeah, my to Star Wars me Tarlem globetrotters What about her 18th Star Wars meets my Star Wars from 21 for a guy on Tatooine? He finds a Madge Guidal and it lets him switch bodies with his son. Okay. So what that's just like a standard body switching movie Yeah, but on Tatooine Star Wars the blank of the thing it's gonna be an excellent episode to 21 It's like your butt but Chewbacca instead of a dog Either way we already killed Han in two previous episodes We have to make sure that the time-turner from Harry Potter that fell through the wormhole still stays in episode 19 And then I think we've covered our asses.
A tall, hairy creature that plays basketball is just teen wolf. Teen wolf on Dagobah!
Hi, I'm crack.com editor-in-chief Jack O'Brien, and if you don't subscribe to our YouTube channel, I'm gonna fire that young man Yeah, you don't deserve to wear that hat Take take up pick the hat up off the ground Daniel. Don't leave the hat there So subscribe, please |
cracked | when_asking_for_a_woman_s_hand_in_marriage_goes_wrong | Mrs. B, thank you so much for dinner. Everything was delicious. Oh, you are most welcome, Kyle. Such a polite boy.
I'm gonna help my mom clear the dishes. Sounds good. Here, I'll get that. Well, um, Mr. Baxter, I...
Please, call me Chuck. Right! Chuck!
Kyle, let's cut the chase here, okay? I think we both know what's going on here. And there is really no reason to be nervous. Oh, okay. Right. Well, he got me. Well, um, Mr. Baxter, Chuck, you may have noticed that Tricia and I have been spending a lot of time together recently and things are starting to get pretty serious.
Anyway, I wanted to know if it would be cool if I married her. I'm asking for her hand, you know, and the rest of her. Anyway, I really like her, sir, Chuck, sir. Love her, even, and I would like to marry her for the rest of her life.
It's my thought. Her? I thought you wanted to marry me! What? No, Tricia is who I wanted. What?
Oh God, this is so horrible for me. Mr. Baxter, I...
Jesus, you can't even call me Chuck anymore! No, Chuck! You don't call me Chuck! You don't get to call me that!
Okay, I don't know what's happening, but I wanted to marry your daughter. But I thought you wanted to settle down with someone more your own speed, someone stable. Tricia is totally my speed and age and gender that I like. And that's puppy love!
Your damn kids are... Oh God, I just... Feel like my heart is splitting in two.
And what about the time you said you liked my wand? You say that to all the dads? No, I do like your wand.
But honestly, I don't even really remember. Of course. Well, listen here, mister. Maybe this will refresh you. July 9. Kyle came by. He liked the way I trimmed the Bermuda. But still, my heart. Admit it.
You were just using me to get to Tricia. I would say that I started dating Tricia and met you because of me.
And how's she gonna provide for you, huh? Not through architecture school. I can promise you that. And is she the regional sales manager at Mercury Insurance? No. But you have a wife. Oh hell.
I've married lots of guys, but nobody like you. Sitting next to me every dinner. Letting me win at golf. You're gonna be my little dream boy. Did you boys get a chance to talk? He wants to marry Tricia!
What? No! Kyle, you can't be serious.
I'm really trying to be. Oh, but you two were so cute together. Look at Emmy's heart broken.
Okay. I feel like this is getting really weird. Or has been. For a while. So I'm just gonna go.
No! Maybe? Oh my god, I am so grossed out right now. I can't believe I ever wanted you to be my boy father. Yep. I literally can't believe that either.
If you ever really loved me, you would do the decent thing and you would marry my father! I'll be real good, dear Kyle. I'll be the best husband brother you ever had.
Think about it. Mr. Baxter. Okay. You know what? Let's do this.
Really? No. Not really.
You lunatics. I'm sorry. You're all fucking nuts.
Kyle out! Oops! Hi!
I'm Cracked.com. Thanks for watching. Be sure to subscribe to the channel and you'll see the videos that YouTube doesn't want you to see.
The sex ones. Some have less sex than others. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Poor_Woman_Who_Innocently_Asked_Bloke_About_His_Tool_Shirt_Given_Thirty_Minute_L_ | Hello and welcome to Your Weekly Petuta, it's the end of the week, 3rd of November. My name is Wendell Hussey, I'm here in the Desert Rock FM studios with Clancy Overall. It's been quite a week Clancy, it's good to be back. Finally settling back in, my areolas have stopped bleeding, which has been quite nice. Made it through unscathed, they actually haven't ruined any shirts this week, so it's been pretty good. So no more endurance, no more long distance running up for a little while anyway.
No not for a little while, and if I do I've got some tape and stuff that I can put on them. You could wear those Libras. The bra things? No the pads, over your nipples. Oh yeah? Yeah yeah with the wings, I get the wings one, that'd be wide enough for my areolas but obviously I could do a sports bra that's been suggested by a few mates of mine.
So I can do that, but yeah look anyway that's all sorted and it's good to get on top of it. How are you? Yeah good mate, good.
Obviously in somewhat of a sporting drought, Matildas have been kicking ass though, that's been fun. But yeah other than that we're just focusing on the off season scandals, or the NRL that is. AFL's had a few barnies but NRL's been pretty interesting, we're actually going to talk about a bit of that today I imagine. Yeah we'll touch on that, the AFL stuff's been very AFL, like private school boys fighting with each other. Unlike the NRL where we have junior reserve grade players murdering people.
And I think it's better for us not to talk about why they did it, so we'll get into our first story of the week, which is a halloween one, and some local trick or treaters have terrified boomers around town by dressing up as respectful indigenous leaders with a generous proposal for a non-binding voice to parliament. Yes a frightening gang of wild ewes caused a scene this week by going from door to door in Batuta Heights scaring the blood out of the home owning population of local boomers. Batuta Heights sexagenarians Frank and Noeline Stoolwright spoke to the Batuta advocate about being targeted in the rampage. Yeah they told us that this group of local kids hit the street dressed as respectful and moderate Aboriginal and Torres Strait Island community leaders and academics, who basically had a simple request to recognise indigenous Australians in the constitution whilst also enshrining a parliamentary advisory body. The horrified pair were obviously running for their lives, they locked their doors and Noeline was heard screaming, it's happening Frank, they're coming for our land, they're coming for our land, it's all over. I believe they called the police as well, but Frank and Noeline are okay, they're calming down now. It's all good, I'm glad we're not divided.
Now we'll move onto some fashion news and celebrity icon Kim Kardashian has caused a bit of a stir by releasing a range of male undies that make you look like you have a permanent stiffy. Yes the new design follows the release of her skim perky bra range, the range has caused plenty of controversy online, with many confused as to why you would want to walk around like you're quite cold or at least in a significant state of arousal. However it's not just the ladies that can go around on high beams, with men now able to grab a pair of undies that have state of the art inbuilt boner technology. Titled for skims, the new undies will allow men to look like they are pumping blood 24 hours a day, and Kim says the wearers should no longer feel ashamed of boners, no more tucking it into the undies, no more trying to massage it down the side of the leg, just wear it loud and proud. Yeah very empowering, it's great stuff from Kim Kardashian, I've ordered myself some so hopefully they'll be here soon.
Good Chrissy presence as well actually I reckon. Now we've got some music news, and a poor woman who innocently asked a bloke about his Tool band t-shirt, given a 30 minute lecture on polyrhythms. Yeah it's a very unfortunate situation where she unwittingly found herself victim to a Tool fan who proceeded to not shut the fuck up for a solid 30 minutes dissecting every minute detail about what makes Tool the greatest band of all time. Yeah this was in a beer garden and he basically said something along the lines of, Oh man you don't know Tool, they're fucking awesome dude, the best group of rock musicians to ever walk this earth. You see Danny Carey aka The Octopus, that's the drummer by the way, can play polyrhythms which is so fucking hard dude. That's when you play multiple rhythms at the same time, their song Lateralus was written to the Fibonacci sequence dude, and oh man it's just so fucking good. It has this beautiful ability to mean different things to you at different stages of your life. Were you a Tool guy Clancy? Not really but fuck I don't mind his elevator pitch, I might have to tune in. Fibonacci sequence and heavy metal have not seen that in the same sentence before so quite excited. Our last story is from the NRL world which you touched on at the top of the bulletin there, it's a bit of a tongue twister, you want to have a crack at it? Yes I can do it, I reckon I'll do it in one take too.
Literally lawyered up NRL superstars finally able to prove their innocence in the face of lying cops which makes you wonder what happens to the young indigenous men who don't have access to the best legal representation in the country. Yes in case you missed it, NRL stars Jack Whitten and Latrell Mitchell have this week been found innocent after a 10 month long battle with lying senior ACT cops and the Canberra legal system. The saga caused countless headlines in a media landscape obsessed with bringing certain types of people down and began after the two young, proud indigenous men were arrested on a night out. After reviewing fabricated police evidence and hearing that the allegations brought by cops were a load of shit, the court dismissed all charges against the pair. Which makes you think what happens in instances like this when it's just a random young Koori kid who is seen to be looking violent in the eyes of the cops and doesn't have a profile or a sporting organisation made up of very powerful people behind him And then you kind of start thinking about what happens to him when the cops ramp up the charges against him and he can't afford to pay solicitors and barristers to prove his innocence in court through a 10 month legal process.
And then you kind of get to thinking what happens when, when not if, the young man goes to jail and enters a prison system where the statistics start getting fatal. Pretty divisive stuff there Clancy, I think it's just best not to think about those things. Just take it for what it is, couple NRL players arrested you know. Yeah and then cleared. Yeah don't think too deeply.
Anyway that's all from us this week, thank you for tuning in. Have a good weekend, talk to you soon. Was written to the Fibonacci sequence dude and oh man it's just so fucking good. It has this beautiful ability to mean different things to you at different stages of your life. Were you a tool guy Clancy? Not really but I, fuck I don't mind his elevator pitch. I might have to tune in. Fibonacci sequence and heavy metal have not seen that in the same sentence before so quite excited. Our last story is from the NRL world which you touched on at the top of the bulletin there. It's a bit of a tongue twister, you want to have a crack at it? Yes I can do it, I reckon I'll do it in one take too.
Heavily lawyered up NRL superstars finally able to prove their innocence in the face of lying cops which makes you wonder what happens to the young indigenous men who don't have access to the best legal representation in the country. Yes in case you missed it, NRL stars Jack Whitten and Latrell Mitchell have this week been found innocent after a ten month long battle with lying senior ACT cops and the Canberra legal system. The saga caused countless headlines in a media landscape obsessed with bringing certain types of people down and began after the two young, proud indigenous men were arrested on a night out. After reviewing fabricated police evidence and hearing that the allegations brought by cops were a load of shit the court dismissed all charges against the pair. Which makes you think what happens in instances like this when it's just a random young Koori kid who is seen to be looking violent in the eyes of the cops and doesn't have a profile or a sporting organisation made up of very powerful people behind him and then you kind of start thinking about what happens to him when the cops ramp up the charges against him and he can't afford to pay solicitors and barristers to prove his innocence in court through a ten month legal process and then you kind of get to thinking what happens when, when not if the young man goes to jail and enters a prison system where the statistics start getting fatal. Pretty divisive stuff there Clancy, I think it's just best not to think about those things just take it for what it is, couple of NRL players arrested you know.
Yeah and then cleared. Yeah don't think too deeply. Anyway that's all from us this week, thank you for tuning in. Have a good weekend, talk to you soon. you |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Podcasts_Ep_112_Jamie_Soward | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, live from quarantine. In fact, we're so quarantined here in the channel country that Errol Parker couldn't make it in today.
He's got visitors from overseas, his old man's come back from Hong Kong, fans of the show would know. Errol's old man was a Namibian arms dealer who went missing for quite a while after apartheid and he's shown back up with his hat in his hand. So Errol's got to deal with that, but he's also got to isolate now because we don't know what the situation is like in South Africa and Namibia at the moment.
So that's where he is. It's just me this week, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batooter Advocate and joining us today for our special, our Project Apollo special, one of the great halfbacks of the modern era. He's played Origin, he played for the Roosters, played for Penrith, and he played for St. George, Illawarra, Dragons. Also a little stint in the Super League there. The Northern Broncos, London Broncos, Jamie Soured, thank you for joining us today. Yeah, thanks Clance, I'm pretty excited to be on actually, I mean the footy's been great getting it back, but it sounds like Errol might be in a little bit of Barney Rubble over there in South Africa. Yeah, no, no, no, he's isolating down in his big house down in Batooter Grove, he's got to play it safe and we're glad he is.
Everyone's still taking it seriously in Queensland. Yeah, the borders are, I believe, opening up in the next couple of days, but we're behind the eight ball and for good reason, because you know, as you would know, Jamie, New South Wales are just dirty people. And I mean, as a camera boy, you know what I'm saying? Not as a Blues player. Camera's been described as the arsehole of Australia. Yeah, Queensland up there, they just got two heads, but down here we know it's a normal New South Wales.
Mate, how are you liking the quality of football post isolation lockdown? Yeah, I mean, without getting too in-depth and technical, I think we're excited to have the product back and we're excited to have the footy back. But there's some teams that have come out of the break a lot better than other teams. There were some really average performances by some teams that needed to win to start there to get their year started. So I think the rule changes.
Peter Volandis is an absolute god. We'd never had Todd Greenberg as a poster or on shirts and stuff. So Peter Volandis has done amazing.
It's great to have the footy back. I think it's just going to be, it's sort of puzzling while we stop playing, really. I think we should have just tried to keep playing and we would have been halfway through the comp now. Not many rugby league players have been to Aspen in the last six months anyway, so not really high risk, unless they've been mucking around in Bali, which they seem to do in the off-season.
But you tell us a little bit about that. From what you just said there about Volandis, it is bizarre to have a sports administrator that has become a cold icon that people trust and love and worship. Is that the first time you've ever seen anything like this? In rugby league, a lot of the time the administrators are, we only hear about them and how much they earn and that kind of stuff from outside a point of view.
But having worked at the NRL, what Peter's been able to do is fantastic. He's really taken the reins. And I think he led the horse racing industry through that equine situation a couple of years ago. So I just think it's nice to have a strong leader that knows what he wants and is not afraid of putting it out there and going after it. And that's why we've been able to get our game back on the field. It's great to have someone who isn't an ex-player in the top job. Is that what you'd say? I'm still getting paid by the NRL, but yeah, look, it's, like I said, I'm happy to have the game back.
There's a lot of people, look, it takes a lot to get everything going. You talk about whatever we're doing, it takes a lot to get it going. And I think Peter came in with a strong arm and ruled with an iron fist. So that's been, everyone stepped in the line and that's why we've been able to get the game on.
Now your last season, I guess, was 2016. Three years out now. What have you been doing with yourself day to day? Cause you've been keeping busy. Yeah, so I retired at the end of 2016 and yeah, pretty much sat around on my ass for a couple of months.
And I don't have the financial backing of some of those other guys have the opportunity to sit down and enjoy it. But I actually started selling shooters at Harvey Norman and Taps and all that. I had no idea what I was doing, but I just enjoyed the combo and then was lucky enough to get into the media. And since then, I've been working on Channel 9, working with NRL.com, New South Wales Rugby League. It's been great cause I get to watch the footy and pretty much get paid for it now. Whereas I used to watch the footy all the time and not get paid for it as much.
But it's funny the media world because everyone's doing their own thing. Everyone's doing podcasts and stuff like that. So it's kind of hard to stay relevant as I'm sure. Yeah, you guys are cream of the crop. You're up there the big time, but everyone else is. We had to get out of the print newspaper game.
That's for sure. That was the best.
I just sit there and read all the memes. I just laugh all the time. I mean, it's in a time where there's some serious stuff going on in the world. I think too often we lose sight of the fact that we can be nice people and we can have a laugh and enjoy things.
And footy's been a massive part of that since I retired. So I've been able to enjoy both sides of it. Now you've always, I guess it's a rare talent. You've had the ability to call people out. A lot of players would shut up, especially when someone's taken the piss or someone's just, when players do get kind of piled on a bit and you were always able to call that out. Would you ever envision yourself as one of those players that the media picked on? Yes, I actually went through early on in my career, I wanted to be in the media. And at the Dragons, I've probably felt like I'd earned the respect before it was given to me. So I was a bit prickly with the media and stuff like that. And as I got older, you learn how to answer things better and not muck around and try and beat around the bush. So I've always called it straight down the line. It's never a personal attack on anyone. I remember talking to a reporter, Zach Bailey, when he came out late and asked if we were gonna win the wooden spoon and I just brushed him because he turned up late.
So in the media in Australia, we don't like wankers. We don't like people that are different to everyone else.
Everyone has to be the guy that you have to have a beer with. And I didn't care that I wasn't that guy cause I've got enough friends. So I just called it how I saw it. And if people didn't like it, they didn't like it. But it also made me easy to sleep at night that I'd been true to myself, I guess, the old Pauliney line or Marsha Hines on X-Factor or whatever she was on. Just be true to yourself.
But if someone pissed me off, I just called him out. And it wasn't gonna fight them or anything, but I just felt like either you don't know me or you don't understand me and we're not friends, so you don't have the right to be able to do that. And Bo Ryan was one of those guys. He's in the media earlier than I was and he called me out and I don't know Bo. I've met him a couple of times, but I haven't sat down and talked to him and he doesn't know anything about me. So I just felt like, if I called it out and people didn't like it, then bad luck. But I'm happy not being the guy that everyone wants to have a beer with.
Well, you've certainly had the last laugh with Bo Ryan anyway, when you posted a photo of you holding a NRL Premiership trophy. Yeah, it was nice. It was nice.
Now, what have you got to say? Speaking of Premiership winners not getting the respect they deserve, it seems like particularly in nowadays with the online and the clickbait, how good do you have to be to shut people up? Like Latrell Mitchell's an interesting insight into this. Is that doing your head in or what?
Like he's won two Premierships and now he's a sook or a divisive or unfit. I mean, he could be unfit. He still won two Premierships.
Glancy, you're exactly right.
And just before I answer that question, I think the media need the players, the players need the media. And sometimes we forget that, if we don't cover the game, the players don't get the money. And if the players don't give us access, we don't get paid.
So I hope that we've realised in COVID-19 that we actually all need each other a little bit more. And instead of chasing all the dirt and building up Latrell, yes, he's probably not as fit as what he should be to play full back. But if I was 22, had two kids, earning a million dollars a year and had two Premierships, played for Australia and played State of Origin, it's not a bad career at 22 or 23.
Mate, that's a lifetime of public speaking right there. Well, that's exactly right.
But again, people in Australia don't like anything that's different. They don't like anyone that talks themselves up.
In America, Latrell Mitchell would be a hero no matter where he went. And he'd be probably criticised because of his fitness and maybe body shape. But other than that, what a career at 22, 23. Can't we just sit back and marvel at it and judge him purely on his rugby league? I watched him the other night on Friday night and I thought that was one of his best games this year. He's only played two other games, but he was involved. But his fitness just died out. Once he gets his fitness right, he has all the makings of being a good full back.
But we in the media tend to over analyse and pick everything apart right to the nth degree. And that's not good for anyone, especially with Latrell, as you've mentioned. I just still can't believe. I said to my parents the other night, this kid's won two Premierships before 22. And can't we just enjoy what is Latrell Mitchell?
You don't need to keep everyone happy. You never needed to keep everyone happy because you had all your own mates.
What was that like? I mean, you're a Canberra boy. What was it like heading back there after you had a few NRL matches under your belt or a few seasons under your belt? Did that always keep you grounded, the hometown crowd? Yes and no. I mean, I grew up half my life in Wagga. So I felt like I surrounded myself with a good bunch of mates that didn't have anything to do with footy. And I had my mates at work and footy.
So being grounded for me was always by older guys. They'd say, if I did something wrong or I came out and I acted like a pork chop, I was grounded by those guys. And they set the tone for, and I'm not saying I didn't make any mistakes, but they really set the tone for who I was gonna be as a person. And while I was able to still be a little bit of a pest before social media started, which was all the fun. But Naughty's got a fair old bash when I was playing for the Dragons back in 07-08, but you can't do that anymore. So I think being grounded, definitely support people that you have and find that balance. And if you're gonna make a mistake, you make a mistake. But yeah, having that group around me has always helped me.
Yeah, we interviewed Willy and Rennie on the same podcast. It was quite an excitable podcast we did. Anyone who was listening might remember that Willy decided to bring an eight pack of Fairy Floss flavored G&Ts and he finished the entire thing.
And really let us know what he was thinking about the game. But they were saying there's a siege mentality often in rugby league. And that was most definitely the case in like the 2004 kind of Dogs at War. It was play hard and then work hard, play hard. But play hard was also emphasized. Did you ever see that playing? Yeah, definitely.
My first interaction with Willy Mason was at an Eastern Suburbs nightclub. And I think I was 20 at the time and I'd gone out, back then I was a 2004. You could go out with 50 bucks and probably still come home with some change. So I was around a few of the first graders.
I think Craig Wing was there and he introduced me to Mace. He said, this is Willy Mason. And Mace just looked over and said, vodka orange. He didn't even say hello. So me being the little bitch that I was, that I was drinking with Willy Mason and Craig Wing, I go up to the bar and spent me eight bucks there and I didn't buy myself a drink because I was too scared I'd have to get him another one.
The siege mentality, I think it's died out a lot now. There's a lot of young guys that care about their money and their profile and probably other things other than going out and having a beer with the boys. The TikToks. There's less chance to do it now. Yeah, you glad you didn't have to go through the TikTok era? Yes. It's just like we grew up, Rennie and Mace, they would have grown up pretty similar ages.
You had a beer after every game. You sat in the sheds and you won together and you lost together and you look forward to going away because you knew that you were gonna be in that team environment and enjoy the company of each other. Whereas now, they can't do it anymore because people have got phones and you can't just be a dickhead down at the pub and have too many beers. Without saying, oh, see how you had too many beers? All right, mate, you better go home.
Now it's like, oh, he was pissed, he was carrying on like an idiot, blah, blah, blah. So I think that's changed. But back then, before social media, remember at the Roosters, Ricky Stewart, we'd lost and he said, yeah, we lost to the Tigers actually by about 40 points. And the next day, he told us to bring our boxing gloves in and we're gonna bash the shit out of each other. And I thought, oh, geez, Sticky hates me already, but he's gonna hate me even more when he sees that I can't fight.
We're doing the video and we're just about to finish and he says, righto, we're not going down to Cronulla to bash the shit out of each other, we're gonna go to the pub, no one's allowed to leave till 12 o'clock. And we stayed there and drunk in a circle till 12 o'clock and told each other how much we loved each other and they're some of the best memories, but I don't think they can do that anymore.
No, no, I'm sure Ricky would want to try though. He probably does, he probably does. But yeah, that's the sort of siege mentality of the teammates and stuff that we're, the team environment. Now you said before like the, you know, Littrell over in the States would be an icon. I mean, there's a great expression that in America, people look up at someone living on a big house on the hill and say, I want to be like that guy. And in Australia, we look up at someone up on the hill and say, I'm gonna get him. I'm gonna get that bike. Yeah. Or I'm gonna bring him back down off the hill.
That's totally right.
With tall poppy syndrome, we all have to be the nice guy. We can't, if someone's successful, that's why John Bateman's a perfect example, Clancy, last week about how much money he's worth. Well, you're worth as much as someone's willing to pay you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If someone comes in and says, we want to pay you a million dollars a year, oh, he shouldn't leave Canberra, he should be loyal. Okay, well, if you give me 200,000 worth of loyal, then I'll stay. But you know, you get as much as you can. That's why there's good contracts and bad contracts and clubs win sometimes because the player outplays that and sometimes the player wins. But how can we ever count another person's money, especially in today's environment?
And how can we judge their life? We don't know what's going on when Latrell leaves the footy field. We don't know what he's growing up like. We can only sit and read what we've got, but I just, yeah, sometimes I think it's unfair, and I'm in the media, sometimes it's unfair that we judge those people so harshly.
Yeah. Did you have to make those executive decisions? Like, well, I'm being offered to go here, but I reckon if I stay one more year here, we might take it with your premiership at St. George. Did you, had you calculated that in your signing? Were there offers, or? I got sacked from every club I was at. Yeah, right, right. I didn't finish the contract. Yeah, right, right. Well, not sacked, but I just moved on. When I left the Roosters, actually, I went to St. George, and Wayne rang me up in the middle of 08 and just said, I want you to be my 58. And I pretty much agreed and signed a couple of weeks later for an extension. So it depends how much money's on the line.
If you're Latrell Mitchell, you know, it's taking 200,000 less to stay at the Roosters probably doesn't make sense when you've got a young family and you've won two premierships. If you're chasing a premiership and there's only 50,000 in it, you may look at trying to stay around and build something special because at the end of the day, people in the media want to hear about successful people from their playing career. And I was lucky enough to win a premiership with the Dragons, and I think that gives me some sort of cachet when I talk footy that people can understand and think, well, at least he's won a premiership. You know, and if you haven't played for Australia and New South Wales, I think it'd be a little bit harder coming out and proving your point. So most of the guys that are in the media have been successful, either won or played decorated careers for New South Wales or Australia. Let's not forget Paul Kent's one match for Parramatta in 1993.
Now, does that, you also get currency, do you also get currency playing under Wayne Bennett? Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, that's, everyone's like, what was Wayne like? And Wayne was, I lost my father the morning after my debut. So I was lucky enough to have a good stepfather, role model who looked after me and stuff. But Wayne was like my dad at work, pretty much.
He knew what buttons to push. He knew when to kick me in the ass and he knew when to give me a cuddle. And that's why his players love him. That's why he has been successful. He's won seven premierships. He's been in grand finals, semi-finals pretty regularly. So he gets the respect of the players. I trust him and that's why it makes him so great. He's tactically, he's smart and everything that comes with it.
But for a coach to sit at the back of the bus and listen to all the stories from the single guys and all that kind of stuff and ask questions by the way, it's pretty cool. Is that a particular skill set? Because the game's changed a lot since he started winning premierships at the Broncos. He would have seen the rise of Polynesian talent. He would have experienced a lot of different cultures and he still managed to maintain a healthy relationship with everyone that played under him. Do you feel like that's a skill that some coaches actually take for granted? Yeah, sometimes people ask me, would you ever be a coach?
How do you go up to a kid that's 20 or 22 with two kids? I couldn't imagine myself with two kids at 22 and all that kind of stuff that goes on.
And Wayne just gets all that stuff. He knows that while the team goal is all the same, individuals get treated differently and suited to their behavior. So I think that him understanding that and that man management and down to a T being able to customize that to every player is why he's been successful. His phone must be busy. He did have what, hundreds of blokes who just want to keep in touch. I think Wendell used to call him a couple of times in the off season if we'd be out having a beer. So that was always fun. But the thing with Wayne is I don't call him very often, but the times that I've seen him, he's straight in, family, it's not always about footy.
Some coaches out there that are all footy, footy, footy and you've got to be tough and you wouldn't have been able to play 30 years ago and you've got to bash the shit out of this guy. And then there's other guys that are like, we understand that that's not your go. So we just get the best out of you here. And then hopefully you do your part for the team and the rest follow. Have you, I mean, we've seen recently, in recent years, we actually, now the media is so close and got such a close eye on it. We actually do get a closer look at blow ups between players and coaches, which would have once upon a time just been like hearsay in the pubs. People would be like, oh, you heard he doesn't get along with so-and-so. But with Robbie Farrar and those kinds of scenarios where we actually know, he's actively saying, it's almost a bit like the last dance. You know the way those boys are talking about Jerry Kraus. You see that with a few examples in the NRL. Have you ever seen a scenario where it's toxic, where it's not going to work from here?
Yeah, well, I had Steve Price, obviously. Yeah, that relationship was great and Price was an assistant coach.
And then I think circumstances changed in 2012 and 13 where he's trying to get the best out of what's left of this team and get back to where Wayne took us. And I liked the way that Wayne did things and couldn't understand why we were trying to change things when we were successful the three years before. I think that players, same with Anthony Griffin, really. Like that relationship soured really quickly because I was going through a divorce. I was going through some mental stuff off field that wasn't given my best on field and that was at the back end. And then Ivan had been sacked and I really liked Ivan. So different philosophies at different stages throughout your career can certainly butt heads. But now I work with Anthony Griffin and we see the game exactly the same. We probably just didn't realise it at the same time that we understood each other. So I think coaches and players, a lot more now. Like you said, it would be hearsay, but most guys sort it out pretty quickly. I don't think there's too many dramas as like the last dance where it's so blatant that Jerry Crouse wasn't even there. He was a GM, so he was trying to break the team apart from within and create that divide.
But what people don't realise is it's actually the dressing room. If you run the dressing room, that's fine. You don't even have to see the board members.
And Jordan ran that. So he was able to get the players on side. So if you were a minimum wage guy and Jordan comes in and says, ''Jerry Crouse, what a wanker. He's trying to do this. I read this, blah, blah, blah.'' Instantly, the minimum wage guy goes, well, I'm on minimum wage, but I've got to hang out with Jordan the whole time. I've got to not be on his side, but I'm trying to just stay in the team. And I know that Jordan's going to keep me in the team because if he likes me.
So sometimes that's sort of the key guys in the dressing room. If they hold the dressing room, they can have all the power.
I mean, you're an NBA nut. You're a basketball nut.
You have a podcast about it. Were you across a lot of the stuff that came up in the last dance? Was that eye-opening for you as well?
The best thing about the last dance was we can see what LeBron James is doing now. We've been a part of his journey since he came in. For the people that are older, they didn't get the access to Michael Jordan like we do to LeBron James. So it was nice to see what it took inside Jordan's head to be able to create the storyline so that he could be successful to himself because that whole journey was amazing when you look back. And I was only young. I was thinking I was about 12 or 13, but his journey of what it took, just him mentally, what it took for him to get someone offside and just go after him like that, that's what we wanted to hear.
I didn't care about the other players, to be honest. I didn't want to hear from anyone else.
I just wanted to hear from Jordan and Phil Jackson about what it took, their relationship, why Jordan was so good, what happened. This guy was worldwide without the internet. That's how big he was. And yeah, sometimes the players, I think the players in Australia who watched it, especially in the NRL clans have realized that Jordan had 82 games a year, couldn't go anywhere without media. You had to answer questions every day and still got the job done and still answered them politely and still did all that. Put on a suit. Sometimes our media managers and NRL, we're like, no, no, I can't have this guy, can't do this, can't do that. Jordan's doing it all.
He was carrying the game by himself at that stage. The burnout for the hiatus between his three peats was almost inevitable, right? The way they work those guys, I mean, he doesn't get a moment to himself until one in the morning, surely. After a match and then all the media, then the crowds to the bus, on the bus, to the hotel where people are waiting for him, cheering for him. Then he gets to a hotel room at one in the morning, probably sleeps, what, six hours and they're on a flight to go play somewhere else.
You can see how that people burn out under that. NRL players burn out, you know. NRL players at the end of a long year wanna get away and we don't have anywhere near the scrutiny of what Michael Jordan went through. They're always on the run. That's why a lot of their guys, their lifestyle, if you follow a guy like James Harden, who's in strip clubs the night before he plays and all that kind of stuff, they look for anywhere to try and get away where they just can't be bothered and they can go and try and do that.
Jordan, the image of him sitting in his room thinking this is the only place I can be was actually quite sad. It was actually quite sad that he couldn't go out.
Yeah, it was, it was. And everyone says, oh, but he's earning millions of dollars and he's this and that. It's like, yes, that's great.
It is honestly great and I'm not comparing myself to him in any way, but sometimes if you've played a bad game or maybe you're going well and you go down and you just feel like people are talking to you or it just gets a little bit, I guess, overwhelming at times, especially if you're playing bad and you're out having a beer because people will say, well, you haven't a beer, you haven't deserved that beer, you know what I mean? That's one thing you don't really have to put up with where you kind of are a level of fame in rugby league where you can get away with going to the pub. The players probably aren't paid enough to stay home from the pub, you know what I mean? When you look at the NBA or the baseball in America, you're not rolling the dice on a bender when you're getting paid $100 million a year. You stay the hell home. But when you start talking 200 grand for a young buck playing at the Knights, they might go down for a little bit of a look around in the main street of town, a bit of a piss up.
And then- Well, they might go down and have a look at the girls as well. And they get one girl offside and then all of a sudden it's made news because we just crave that drama and excitement and days of our life shit. Over there in America, they win the title and they have a day together or maybe have a bit. Then they just disperse.
There's no team siege mentality like you're talking about with Rennie and Willy. There's no week long mad Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. No. There's no dress ups. They don't even like the champagne they're spraying on each other.
They're just like, get me out of here. I want to go home and have a nap.
That's exactly right. Was that an issue you find in the NRL, Australian culture particularly where someone just feels like they have the authority to tell you how you've been playing in the TAB of a pub in what, Townsville or wherever the hell you are?
Yeah, look, I love Twitter. I think Twitter is the best social media platform because people can say anything at any time anywhere in the world and you can have a conversation.
But yeah, old mate that's come up to you and mate, what happened last week? And you just want to turn around and say, mate, can you beat it? I'm just trying to have a bit of a punt and a beer and relax.
And he's, oh yeah, I don't think they should have this guy on the side and this and that. And yeah, the rude part of me wants to say, mate, you've never played before, shut up, leave me alone. Then you've got to think about the club. He makes a complaint to the club. Oh, he was rude to me, but he doesn't tell that how he was giving me playing advice and all that kind of stuff. So I enjoy going to a game and listening to people yell out, oh, I can't believe we picked this guy.
And yeah, it is what it is. It's Australian sport. It's world sport really.
But I think in America, clans that they're treated more like heroes in Australia, we're expected to be role models. Yeah, and Australians also, yeah, be sure the role model thing is a horrible complex Australians have with their sports stars. I don't know, more so than anywhere else in the world, Australians feel entitled to an opinion on something they don't know much about. So, you know, literally for a guy who's never played a match to walk up and tell you where you need to be standing, you know, maybe some plays you guys could put together or something like that. I mean, it's bad enough when you hear the stories of Russell Crowe.
You have a five year old telling you you're a wanker and that you can't kick. And you're like, mate, you're five.
So you do this, you know. So I'm a massive basketball nut, as you said, and I'm right into it and passionate, but I've never ever, you know, I got a photo with Marcus Smart who plays for the Celtics now and I would never walk past him and yell out, yo, Smart, Marcus. Well, I'd just be that respectful of it because that's his time, you know, and I was lucky enough to get a photo, but I wouldn't be saying, mate, why don't you do this? Why don't you do that? Because that's his craft. That's what he's good at, so.
Back to the machine, the psycho that was Jordan, who do you think that you've played alongside that had a little bit of that in them where they were tormented by their own competitiveness? Probably like, I could sort of consider myself an ultimate competitor where I just have to try and be, and that probably was to my detriment at the back end of the years because I couldn't do the things that I used to do and I probably just took it out on the wrong people. But Brett Finch was one of those guys that had a lot of pressure whose ultimate competitiveness drove him. He knew that everything was gonna be on him come Monday, the headlines, everything, and sometimes that was to his detriment as well. You know, Ricky Stewart, I think guys that are in the important positions usually are the best competitors because they understand the ramifications if you do lose or play bad or like that. But the best guy I've seen is Jonathan Thurston in terms of competitiveness.
Yeah, right. Played with him in the Indigenous All-Stars. I was gonna say, that would have been your only match up there. Yeah, well, he, it was funny because in 09, it was the first camp with the Indigenous All-Stars and I got roomed with JT.
Wayne had organized for me to get in the room with JT because he knew Neil Henry. And I was so excited, but I was pretty nervous because the first night's a piss up. So we go in, we get into camp and we get on the piss. And I woke up about three in the morning and Jono was standing over me and said, Oi brah, what are you doing? And I sort of looked over and I said, I'm sleeping. He goes, you're nude face down on my bed. I need you to get up. So my first impression of JT was my hairy ass while he came in.
Oh, how horrifying. I was that embarrassed. I was, I was horrified. He was horrified, but yeah, his competitiveness was something that I admired.
And yeah, the times that I played against him was always, he was always in the frame, whether it be scoring a try or saving a try, he was always there. You were there for the, I guess, what, 2000 Indigenous All-Stars. You were there for the first one. Yeah, yeah. I was, I was roomed with him. I was lucky enough to get the try at the end there in that first game. That was- Was that the one Wingle played? Yeah, yeah.
He did the, he did the dig. Yeah, just, it was last minute too, because we weren't sure what Big Del was going to do because it was his last game. So he could have done a number of things. He could have done the Robbie Fowler, the old, along the white line there, but he was great, Del.
That set the tone and it's the best week because you get to hear, usually we play against these guys and then we preview onto the next, but those weeks you get to hear about some of our best ever players and their stories and stuff like that. And yeah, we all felt like we had something in common when we went into those camps.
So where's your family from? Down River Innaway? No, Mum was in Canberra and Dad was born in Condoblin. So we moved into Wagga when I was 10 and yeah, pretty much just stayed there and then went back to Canberra. So I don't, people, everyone thinks I'm from Wagga, but I tell them I'd rather be from Wagga. Bambam's family are from Condo.
Yeah, right. Yeah. I went there once and it was like, it was not a, not a good place in open. So yeah, it's, you got Shannon Knoll.
Anyway, the opposite, I guess, of the, of the JT character is, is the guy that kind of, I guess the Rodman, right? Who just stumbled through life and found this thing they were good at. The hella sport boys interviewed Choc Watmo about his life and times. And there was not one mention of him really, really wanting to make it, like really wanting to make a rep side or really, he basically said, I kept playing and people just kept putting me in teams. Have you seen much of that? You know what, I was talking about the other day, it's funny you bring it up. I think Jamal Idris was sort of like that. Like he was so talented at athletics and yeah, he pretty much could do anything. And he was really, he's really, really smart actually. And some guys I absolutely love rugby league. You know, I had to work really hard and, you know, I didn't have the body shape, whereas Jamal just had, was big and strong and yeah, could do anything. So I felt like, you know, probably he, he played for Australia, I think, and played state of origin, but he could have been a guy that just was, was happy doing whatever, but, and that's probably why he retired early because he wasn't really in love with the game and needed that, that sort of let loose mentality that Rodman had.
So I loved playing with Gemma. He's a fantastic guy. And even though he had his troubles, I enjoyed, you know, the banter and everything that he had. And the point of difference he brought to the dressing room was always interesting. I saw a good one from him the other day during all the panic buying.
He was in the shops on Instagram and he was going through the shelves and he goes, these fellas don't even know. And he was grabbing all the Devon off the shelf. He goes, this is the true non-perishable. Yeah, Devon sandwiches and tomato sauce.
If I meet an indigenous person or a brother that doesn't like that and doesn't smash a loaf, and yeah, it'd be very, very rare. It'd be like catching a rare Pokemon.
Yeah. He actually, you know, he finished his career and then went traveling Europe. Like that says it all really, you know, just kind of backpacking. He's just put on a back pattern. I think he got robbed in Vietnam or something like that. Yeah, he got locked up there.
Yeah, Jammer was always interesting. So you did a stint at the Bronco, London Broncos in the Super League between St. George and Penrith.
And then you went back there again. Yep. So what is that? First time I loved it. Yeah. First time I loved it.
I'd signed a four year deal with Penrith, but they were under the belief that if I came across and didn't perform straight away, because they had won six in a row, if I went straight across and lost, that the next four years were going to be hard for me to get the fans and all that kind of back. So, but the second time, you know, I'd been dropped from first grade at Penrith and just didn't want to play the year in reserve grade. Felt like I could just go over to England and I was going to have a couple of years over there, but I got over there and didn't enjoy it. Missed Australia and wanted to get into the media. So I just sacrificed that probably last year, year and a half to be able to come back and try and work in the media.
But London's a really boring place for an Australian. Yeah, it's a big Melbourne.
Yeah, well, the sun comes out and they're mad over there. They're mad that the sun comes out and their shirts are straight off.
And I'm like, this is every day in Australia. This is beautiful.
How long did you live there at a time though? It'd be what, six months at a time or? Both times were three months.
So I had the hottest summer in 2013, the hottest summer in 10 years. And then when I went back three years later, they had the hottest summer again. So it was gold for me, but yeah, I didn't enjoy the second time around.
Footy's back on, you know, you're working in the media and you've got a good eye on things. And I guess you're looking a lot closer than most folks in the pub. Who were your tips this year? Do you reckon the milk have got in them?
Yes. Yep.
Before the season started, I had Parramatta, Canberra, Roosters, Storm and Manly as the five teams that I thought could win it. And probably narrowed down to Canberra and Parramatta. Roosters showed on the weekend that they're a fantastic side. They're gonna really adapt to these rules a lot quicker. But Canberra Raiders have been the most impressive team on the weekend because they have a side now that has a halfback who's a step up from what Aidan Caesar was.
And they've got the final piece of their puzzle. You know, they won that game in Melbourne without John Bateman. So they've got a real chip on their shoulder from last year. They felt like they probably should have been Premiers last year, I think. They were the better side for a long time that grand final, we couldn't get it done. Parramatta's the interesting one for me, Clance, because you look at, I think their drought's 84 or 86 the last time they won. So they've got a 34 year drought and they've never been this hyped up in the pre-season into a complete team.
There's no weaknesses there. So they're the team to watch. But I actually like Manly. I think Manly with your man, DCE, controlling and he's the best half in the game. And when he's on, Tom Dubojevic is usually on. If they can stay injury free, I think Manly could be the dark horse. Could be in it all.
The blonde horse.
And the Hello Sport boys will be either cursing me because I've jinxed them or they'll be loving it because I've given them the special love. They'll take any mention of Manly anywhere in the media.
Mate, thanks for having a chat with us today. All the best in isolation. Where are you living? Are you in Sydney? Yeah, over in Heathcote just paddling water until the house market drops down to pretty much zero where I can just walk in and take a house. Good. Move back to Bondi. Yeah, I don't think so. This clearly, you asked me what I've been doing in retirement. Mate, I've been eating and drinking. That's about it. And calling the footy.
So this body isn't built for water. It's a land mammal and I'll be staying on land. I won't be near the water.
Thanks for joining us, mate. And we'll see you around. Maybe we'll have a beer when the walls come down. Too easy. Thanks for having me. I really appreciate your time. All right.
Some of our best ever players and their stories and stuff like that. And yeah, we all felt like we had something in common when we went into those camps.
So where's your family from? Down river in a way? No, my mum was in Canberra and dad was born in Condoblin. So we moved into Wagga when I was 10 and yeah, pretty much just stayed there and then went back to Canberra. So I don't, people, everyone thinks I'm from Wagga but I tell them I'd rather be from Wagga. No, I'm joking. Bam Bam's family are from Condo.
Yeah, right. Yeah. I went there once and it was like, it was not a good place, Condoblin, so. Yeah, yeah, it's, you know, they got Shannon Knoll. Anyway.
The opposite, I guess, of the JT character is the guy that kind of, I guess the Rodman, right? Who just stumbled through life and found this thing they were good at. Hella Sportboys interviewed Choc Watmo about his life and times. And there was not one mention of him really, really wanting to make it. Like really wanting to make a rep side or really, he basically said, I kept playing and people just kept putting me in teams.
Have you seen much of that? You know what? I was talking about it the other day. It's funny you bring it up.
I think Jamal, he just was sort of like that. Like he was so talented at athletics and yeah, he pretty much could do anything. And he was really, he's really, really smart actually. And some guys, I absolutely love rugby league. You know, I had to work really hard and you know, I didn't have the body shape whereas Jamal just had, was big and strong and you know, could do anything. So I felt like, you know, probably he played for Australia I think and played state of origin but he could have been a guy that just was happy doing whatever but, and that's probably why he retired early because he wasn't really in love with the game and needed that sort of let loose mentality that Rodman had. So I loved playing with Gemma. He's a fantastic guy and even though he had his troubles, I enjoyed the banter and everything that he had and the point of difference he brought to the dressing room was always interesting.
I saw a good one from him the other day during all the panic buying. He was in the shops on Instagram and he was going through the shelves and he goes, these fellas don't even know. And he was grabbing all the Devon of the shop.
He goes, yes, this is the true non-perishable. Yeah, Devon sandwiches with tomato sauce. If I meet an indigenous person or a brother that doesn't like that and doesn't smash a loaf and yeah, it'd be a very rare, it'd be like catching a rare Pokemon.
He actually finished his career and then went traveling Europe. Like that says it all, really? Just kind of backpacking. He's just put on a back pattern. I think he got robbed in Vietnam or something like that. Yeah, they got locked up there.
Yeah, Gemma was always interesting.
So you did a stint at the London Broncos in the Super League between St. George and Penrith and then you went back there again. Yep. So what was that?
First time I loved it.
I'd signed a four year deal with Penrith but they were under the belief that if I came across and didn't perform straight away because they'd won six in a row, if I went straight across and lost that the next four years were gonna be hard for me to get the fans and all that kind of back. So, but the second time, I'd been dropped from first grade at Penrith and just didn't wanna play the year in reserve grade. Felt like I could just go over to England and I was gonna have a couple of years over there but I got over there and didn't enjoy it. Missed Australia and wanted to get into the media. So I tried, I just sacrificed that probably last year, year and a half to be able to come back and try and work in the media.
But London's a really boring place for Australia. Yeah, it's a big Melbourne. Big Melbourne.
Yeah, well, the sun comes out and they're mad over there. They're mad. The sun comes out and their shirts are straight off and I'm like, this is every day in Australia.
This is beautiful. How long did you live there at a time though? It'd be what, six months at a time or? Both times were three months. Right. Both times were three months.
So I had the hottest summer in 2013, the hottest summer in 10 years. And then when I went back three years later, they had the hottest summer again. So it was gold for me, but yeah, I didn't enjoy the second time around.
Footy's back on. You know, you're working in the media and you've got a good eye on things and I guess you're looking a lot closer than most folks in the pub. Who were your tips this year? Do you reckon the milk have got in them?
Yes. Yep.
Before the season started, I had Parramatta, Canberra, Roosters, Storm and Manly as the five teams that I thought could win it. And probably narrowed down to Canberra and Parramatta. Roosters showed on the weekend that they're a fantastic side. They're gonna really adapt to these rules a lot quicker. But Canberra Raiders has been the most impressive team on the weekend because they have a side now that has a halfback who's a step up from what Aidan Caesar was and they've got the final piece of their puzzle.
Yeah, they won that game in Melbourne without John Bateman. So they've got a real chip on their shoulder from last year. They felt like they probably should have been Premiers last year, I think. They were the better side for a long time in that grand final. We couldn't get it done. Parramatta's the interesting one for me, Clance, because you look at, I think their drought's 84 or 86 the last time they won. So they've got a 34 year drought and they've never been this hyped up into a pre-season, into a complete team.
There's no weaknesses there. So they're the team to watch. But I actually like Manly. I think Manly with your man DCE, controlling, and he's the best half in the game. And when he's on, Tom Dubois, which he's usually on, if they can stay injury-free, I think Manly could be the dark horse that could win it all.
The blonde horse.
The Hello Sport boys will be, they'll be either cursing me because I've jinxed them or they'll be loving it because I've given them the special love. They'll take any mention of Manly anywhere in the media.
Mate, thanks for having a chat with us today. All the best in isolation. Where are you living? Are you in Sydney? Yeah, over in Heathcote. Yeah, just paddling water until the house market drops down to pretty much zero where I can just walk in and take a house. Move back to Bondi. Yeah, I don't think so. This clearly, you asked me what I've been doing in retirement. Mate, I've been eating and drinking. That's a netting and calling a footy.
So this body isn't built for water. It's a land mammal and I'll be staying on land. I won't be near the water.
Oh, beauty. Thanks for joining us, mate. And we'll see you around. Mate, we'll have a beer when the walls come down. Too easy. Thanks for having me. I really appreciate your time. |
dropout | thank_you_for_doing_all_the_work | Hey, girl. What's up? Hey, uh, nothing. Just working on this Miller account. What's up with you?
I just wanted to say thank you. Oh, for what? Uh, for black women saving America. That's what. Another election down and you guys showed up yet again. Okay. Anyway, thank you, girl. No problem. I'm sorry, was there something else? I'm just really busy. Oh, no, I just, I didn't know if you wanted to thank me for the thank you.
Oh, uh, no, I don't. I feel you Wakanda forever. Don't do that.
I just watched it. It's so good. It's a great movie. They liked all the characters.
Oh. Hey, girl. We got you something. Oh, a card. Open it. I'm going. Got it.
We just wanted to let you know how much we appreciate black women saving America. We're not trying to save America. We're really just trying to protect ourselves. These policies today are designed to hurt us.
You both understand. Sure, sure, sure, sure. So like, what are you going to do with a card? Are you going to like put it on your desk and like appreciate it? Remember who gave it to you. I can do nothing with your thank yous. You're so crazy. Thanks again for everything that you do.
Like teaching us that it's okay to be curvy. You have no curves whatsoever. Yes, but it has made me hate my fat cousin like way less.
So like, oh my god, stop saying that. Wakanda forever. Is this something that you guys just learned? I feel like everybody in the office just playing this out. The movie's been out forever.
Well, I just saw it. They have it on Netflix now. It's so good. Who knew? Yeah. I especially like that black actress, the bald one.
What's her name? Donna? Donnie? How do you pronounce it? I don't know!
I just need you guys to tone it down. Just like a notch. I feel like you brought it up.
Remix! No! No remix!
That's okay. We weren't totally clear on what the lyrics were gonna be. We're just gonna wing it.
Black women don't need your thanks. We need you to start stepping up, to vote, to donate to your local NAACP to help close the wage gap. We need you to educate yourself on the alarming mortality rate of black mothers. We need you to listen to us. Yeah, I wish I was black. Amen.
Oh, Jess, how's that Miller account coming? I'm sorry, I just haven't had time to work on it. I've just been distracted. Distracted? What could possibly be distracting you?
Except for saving America from itself. Thank you to my favorite and only black female employee. I'm out! Did you, did you not see Black Panther?
It's on Netflix now, so there's really no excuse. It's good. Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for other fun stuff, and thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great! |
dropout | bloody_marys_are_disgusting_hot_date | Mmm, refreshing. Oh, that is so delicious. It's really good. Is it? Oh, yeah.
I'm a dude, so when I brunch, I bloody. That's a gross thing to say. Do you want some of my mimosa? Oh, no, no thanks. Emily, your mimosa is light, sparkling, and sweet, perfectly suited to your delicate feminine spirit. A lot of carbonation. Whereas my Bloody Mary is a thick, heavy cock. A tale that's so strong, it overpowers everything I eat.
Like this muffin? What kind of muffin is it?
I don't know. It's that assertive. Yeah, I mean, it makes sense.
You're basically drinking ketchup soup in a pint glass filled with decorations. But these aren't girly garnishes. This dude brew is chock full of bacon. Mmm. Bacon is so frigging delicious when it's covered in vodka. Oh, God, is that even cooked?
Just spit it out. Please just spit it out.
Oh, what? Pickles! I love a good bushel of pickles in my drink. How is that pint glass even fitting all that? Well, and a cheeseburger slider. Who wouldn't want soaked beef? Jesus, how many calories are in that thing?
I don't know, but I'm not going to have to order food or eat dinner. I'm good for a couple days.
You realize these drinks are bottomless, right? Oh, and here it comes. Thank you. What a good deal. There's just a full cheeseburger in this one. Mmm. I'm enjoying myself.
Okay, Murph, stop. Stop.
If you really need to do something to satisfy your fragile male ego, it's just, I don't know, learn how to grow food or build furniture or chop firewood or something useful. Because that kind of man stuff is hard. Drinking like a man, however, is easy. Mmm.
I actually know. That's hard too. I give up.
Just take my man card. Wow, you're so insecure that you got man cards printed up. Yes, no, please order me a mimosa and pretend it's for you.
Mmm. Second. |
cracked | the_least_scientific_nature_documentary_ever_marvels_of_the_science_episode_2 | Our world is full of being in many worlds. I'm Professor Scott Bug, and in this series, I will explore the many questions we have in the worlds of sciences. From the underwater storms of the Atlantic Deep, to the courageous, lush, lively moons of Mercury, to even just like, you know, rocks and things. Today, it's rocks and things, on my Marvels of the Science. Now, the truly amazing thing about science is, you can categorize everything to make it easier to remember.
For example, there are exactly five types of rocks, alright? You have sedimentary, igneous, continental, pituitary, calico, mexico, edible, wood, and medium. All different in their own way, but all exactly the same. Now, the truly amazing, incredible, marvelous thing about the Earth is that under every rock there's a new mystery. Well, I know what that is. Now, we all know that the Earth is made of mostly rock. But, did you also know that all the rocks are tiny little Earths? The smoothness from water, rivers, deserts, and a molten core.
In that core, boiling up as hot as the sun's, is the rock's brain. In constant pain under the intense heat and churning of the rock's molten heart. Yet unable to die cause, yes, to rock. Now, because rocks are sentient beings, there are quite a few things you need to do to be extra careful when you...
F***! That is a big rock! Oh god, that's f***ing low!
As you can see, you must be careful of larger rocks, as they have been known to throw themselves at and injure people. In fact, the largest rock we know, the Earth, is constantly throwing itself at us. But, because we are on it, it throws itself at itself, which is how the Earth rotates and revolves around the suns.
And that, unfortunately, is literally everything we know about the nature of rocks. Everything else, where they come from, what they smell like, remains a curiosity of our mysterious universe. This rock is just like, super weird, right?
Yeah? What's... your... deal?
We may never know what rocks' deal is, but without them, we know we'd have nothing to stand on. We'd have nothing to sort of toss up casually in the air and catch it like, yeah. Perhaps a large rock from the outwards of space will one day throw itself at us and destroy us all. Perhaps a smaller rock will, I don't know, I can't think of anything. Which is why, rocks are five of my... marvels of the science.
Hey guys, Brendan here. Just reminding you to subscribe to the crack channel and everything. Hey, I started just like you, you know?
But now I get to be an actor, I get to edit some videos, I get to walk the guys' dogs, I get to do laundry, I get to, um... I get to be called the third Katie a lot, um... I get to, uh, have my blood transfused completely, uh, for a joke. So, yeah, I get to do...
Jesus, really? Brad, what the fuck are you doing? Brendan, but, yeah. Get out of my chair! Shit. Sorry. Hey there. Subscribe. Soren, what the fuck are you doing? It's Brendan, actually. Get out, get out! I don't care who you are. Hey. Thanks, I'm sorry. Subscribe. That's really incorrect. Brendan! What are you doing? |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_freestyle_love_supreme | Get ready for Freestyle Love Supreme! Oh yeah! In West Philadelphia, I'm going to raise On a playground that's where the devil's in my days I was chillin' all wax and reacts And I'm callin' all shimps and some grandpa Out to the moon What a F! Wait, every man Ladies and gentlemen, R.N.C. forgot the most important part of the freestyle He forgot the month and words He vocab'd So here's what happened I had a New York Times that I left backstage like a fool So what I need from somebody right now is a magazine A day planner A binder And I'm going to read words off it And I'm going to read it to Wade and he's going to rap And y'all are going to be like, okay I don't want any medical examiner books though Chopsticks and what?
Can you verify that we've never met? We are going to have breakfast I don't know He's fourteen I don't know 1992 Alright Chopsticks and what?
Wade, are you ready? Yes, I think so Wade, so what am I doing?
You're about to rap until Japanese, dawg Are you serious? Yeah Your first word is uh Okay Yoshiyuki Okay, I got this Yoshiyuki, baby, yeah, I do my do Previously I liked Pikachu But now I got Mew Now I got the choice But then there was a Hitler sign on them joints Imhotakai Imhotakai Imhotakai I park the seas like Moses got I hope I don't sky I hope I don't offend anybody with The words that I am speaking Anime Anime I like the sexy anime Cartoons, Japanese all day Okay, the Wachowski Brothers Yo, I never hated My favorite movie that I ever saw was The Matrix Let me grasp real Let me grasp real, that's the bad tie Like it's so good, man, I'm a bad guy I like that little peanut sauce That they put us on the pond I mean the spaghetti chops They're sophisticated I'm sophisticated, hella invaded And when I'm raided, I invaded The earth since burst Sakeba Sakeba, hey I do it all day I put it in my beer And I drink it okay With a little sake When I rock the I will unlock the keys That you should lay Cup of noodles Cup of noodles The top vomit I eat cup of noodles All day with my login Feeling so good, yeah Oh no Cup of noodles is the food When they're on the road Like, yo Thank you so much Thank you, man Thank you, man |
dropout | internet_distractions | Wow, this paper has been assigned for weeks. You're really just opening me now. Hey focus. Where are you going? Whoa, is that you word man? I haven't seen you in weeks.
Yeah. Hi look I think he just wants the assignment email so I'm fine. Whatever man gmail. You got this dude. Yeah, he's a cake Whoa, dude, guess what? Hey this papers do in 10 hours people Sorry, but he has got to see what Ali freakin Vander slice just posted on his Facebook wall Look, can't you just tell us? No, dude. Tell him what Ali said old man. Check it lol at your old school quote, dude She lol you're so in dude, and she's back from Cabo. She way guys It's 10 30 and all he's done is set me to double space. Hey, my boys had a long day He deserves a quick break. Yeah.
Well, he just spent three hours playing Batman on ps3 Speaking of Batman guess what just got here a new episode of Chuck. What are you time? How is that even related?
Look if we fail this lab we fail the class. Can you please just let him research?
I am fine.
Jeez didn't realize he opened Microsoft dad I on I on I on I on ah here We go a Marvel supervillain with the ability to fire bolts of electromagnetic energy. Whoa awesome This paper is gonna be sweet That's clearly the wrong ion. Are you sure this one is way more views? Hey, did you know Captain America died? No way how? Assassinated by the red skull no Hey want to watch the Captain America movie or this pan on a waterslide What's this big man's in the mood? Maybe for something? Amateur not my thing, but I know a guy look close them now.
We can still pull a solid C. I promise Please shut up loser Yeah, oh guys come on that's someone's daughter Oh Lag I better close some apps Wait, don't do that. That won't help at all. That's just a mess finally now Who wanted to see Jane Jess and get fucked by an octopus sup? |
dropout | axe_combine_episode_2 | Welcome to the 14th annual Axe Con By. Today the competitors will be trying to keep up with Sporty Girl through a series of athletic challenges and sports trivia. I'm feeling great, I'm feeling confident, I just ran 13 miles to get here. Today she'll be looking at Kyle Dugan, who hails from Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Kyle here is 5'11", 165 pounds and only runs when being chased. Keep Sarah happy, you'll have to keep up with her, no excuse.
Kyle has proven he can keep up with his kicking, but does he know the right place? What's more important, are you watching your team in a must win game? As much as I love football, I think what you and I could have could be really special, so I'm going to say the anniversary. Really sweet, but no, actually the answer is you've got to watch the game, come on, that's my personality, watch the game. What position do you think I'd be best at? Wide receiver. Wide receiver, come on, not quarterback? You run so well.
So overall do you think he kept up? Yes, I would say he kept up. I think he kept up, pretty good.
Well, that's it for today here at the Axe Combine, we'll see you later. Keep up with your sporty girl with Axe Sport Blast. |
dropout | Don_t_Call_A_Mech_A_Gundam | We just got word. The government constructed a giant Gundam. It's attacking downtown. Dear God. We need to act fast.
Okay? I would call that a mech. Um, okay sir. Jor, we can call it whatever you want.
No, I think that if we act fast- I've been in this game a long time, and I know a Gundam when I see one, and that is not a Gundam. It has a flamethrower, for Christ's sakes. Well now, hold on a second. Now I agree with you that that is not a Gundam, but I don't for one second believe that it can't be a Gundam because it has a flamethrower!
Whoa, okay, whoa!
I think we are missing the point here. We are missing the point. The point being we have to nail down these definitions before we can do something.
What?! No! No. My point was that it does not matter what we call it.
How dare you. How dare you! How dare you. How dare you!
He can't just throw around the term Gundam. Do you have any idea the historical significance of Gundams? Gundams have destroyed entire cities.
They've killed millions!
That's exactly what's happening right now! Listen!
You know, the misrepresentation of Gundams is deeply offensive. Oh my god, these are real people out there with inherent human rights! And we are not helping them by arguing over semantics, okay? I don't even know what the difference between a gundam and a mech is. Okay, look, when we talk about gundams, we're referring to Generation Unsubdued Nuclear Drive Assault Modules.
We can all agree that there is a giant robot outside. Yes? But... Close enough. Okay, that's what's outside.
And we all agree without a doubt that it is destroying downtown and killing innocent people. Okay, so we are going to- Continue our debate. Can I say something? There are a lot of people downtown that aren't worth saving.
What? No, I know! I know! I just heard the news! Oh thank god, I know, it's devastating out there. I think that if we're able to mobilize our- Jess used gundam incorrectly! What? I know, we were here. Okay, okay.
If I apologize, then can we stop arguing about this and actually do something? Frankly, I'm pretty upset the way you've used that word. It might need a moment to clear my head.
What do you all say to a round of golf? That sounds great to me. Sounds great to me, too. You know, I'm a scratch golfer. Just golf, hit the links. There's a pitch and putt, like- Oh, let's do it!
Are you serious? You're serious?
We're really going to do nothing! Oh no, Jess! You just got cancelled! What?
There's this scene where she eats a cantaloupe, and it got me. It's hot. It's really hot.
Sign up for your free trail today. Trial. That was a typo. I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. Buy land, I guess. God. |
cracked | 5_things_hollywood_gets_wrong_about_smart_people | Welcome to Reckless Disagreement, the only show on the internet you can trust. I'm your host, a sexy genius, and I've spent the day memorizing poetry because of this scene from Good Will Hunting. As a matter of fact, I won't because Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social distinctions predicated upon wealth, especially inherited wealth. Because Matt Damon is a brilliant mathematician, he has apparently memorized entire history textbooks right down to the page number of certain important quotes. Hence, I figure if memorizing history textbooks makes you a good mathematician, memorizing romantic poetry will probably help me figure out how to escape from this YouTube bunker I've locked myself in.
That logic follows, right? I'm getting a little desperate. So let's just get right to discussing all the weird assumptions Hollywood makes about smart people. I get what they're going for here. If your brain has all this extra space, you may as well fill it with expensive sounding words, right? But the ability to repeat things other people wrote down doesn't necessarily mean you're smart. Think of all your friends who can recite Bill Pullman's speech from Independence Day. Which is actually pretty close to what's happening in this famous scene from Toonstone.
Now I really hate him. But really, they're just throwing semi-relevant famous quotes at each other like a couple of 19th century Jake Peraltas.
Welcome to the party, pal! Besides, what kind of loser would spend all his time memorizing lines from his favorite ... Well, this is a little bit different, but you know whenever a genius movie character quickly solves a Rubik's Cube? Piece of cake. Solvin' the Cube isn't an insane feat, anyone can do it, provided they read the instruction manual that comes with every Rubik's Cube. It's a party trick, like knowing origami or quoting Dr. Strangelove. Da da da da da, da da da da da da, yee-haw!
Oh, and I've decided after very little research that this phenomenon can be traced back to J. Robert Oppenheimer, who reacted to the first ever successful nuclear bomb test by remembering a quote from Hindu scripture. Now I am the come death, the destroyer of worlds. But he didn't actually say it, he just remembered it. Because if he had really responded to the first ever nuclear explosion with I am become death, destroyer of worlds, everyone would've been like, ugh, shut up, Julius. The J and J. Robert Oppenheimer stands for Julius. Was that clear without me explaining it?
Here's an incomplete list of smart characters that are also huge dicks. You got your Dr. House, your Tony Stark, your John Nash from A Beautiful Mind, Mark Zuckerberg from Social Network, Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady, Nathan from Ex Machina, Caleb from Ex Machina, Abe from Ex Machina, eventually, Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, Alan Turing, Julian Assange, Dr. Stephen Strange, Con, wait, how many bedded cumber batches have we had here? Oh, batch a cumber batch.
No, that was terrible. I should learn how to edit so I can cut that out.
In real life, you can be a genius and cool to people. It's true, I've seen it happen. In fact, the tendency is toward the opposite of this. The smarter you are, the more aware you are of your own shortcomings and the knowledge that you don't have. It's dumb people who tend to be cocky and overestimate their own intelligence. This is called the Dunning-Kruger effect. The people who think they're wicked smart are actually wicked dumb. For example, see men explaining jokes to women on Twitter, most of Reddit, or the people correcting my abridged definition of the Dunning-Kruger effect in the comments below. Now, I know about you. I understand that there really have been smart people in the world who are also dicks, but the infatuation with them that movies seem to have is still pretty baffling to me. It's like we think the best part of being smart would be not having to tolerate other people anymore. Which, like, life hack? You don't have to be smart to be addicted to people. You can be dumb and mean.
That's just some information for you to chew on. Batch of Cumberbatch. You're better than this, Sergeant. Movies really like to show us smart people writing on glass. I don't have much to say about this other than it's weird. Are smart people too distracted by their own genius to keep a f***ing notepad around? Scraps of paper are everywhere. I have one here, and I'm literally trapped in an underground bunker with a bunch of DVDs and some camera equipment. I'm living off rat stew and refried beans, and even I know where the damn notepad is. That's all. Oh gee, I just thought of something clever. I should write it down.
When did you become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics? Last night. When Tony Stark needs to build something, we always see it happen.
Because Robert Downey Jr. looks great with his shirt off, especially for a 52-year-old man. Well, 52?
F***ing good, Bobo. Bobo and I are friends. Which is why I get to call him Bobo.
But there's nothing sexy about working your brain muscles, so movies just skip that part and make brilliant ideas seem like they pop up with no warning like boners sometimes do. No, no, no, tell me. Well, each of his messages begins with the same five letters. C-I-L-L-Y. So I suspect that silly must be the name of Fizz or more. Is this impossible? The Germans are instructed to use five random letters at the start of every message. Well, this bloke doesn't.
Love will make a man do strange things, that's part. In this case, love just lost Germany. We love this idea so much that we write it into true stories.
Alan Turing didn't crack the German codes because of something a girl said in a bar. It would have been illegal for her to discuss her decoded transmissions with him at all. And John Nash didn't invent the Nash Equilibrium because of a pretty blonde, because that's not even how the Nash Equilibrium works.
Wait a minute, Matthew Goode was in the imitation game, and he was also in Watchmen, where he played Ozzy Man Dias, who sometimes quoted Percy Shelley, who wrote Epipsympkidian, which sounds like epiphany. Epiphytes do happen in real life. But this is still part of Hollywood's weird aversion to showing us characters who actually work for a living. Would Tony Stark ever attend a board meeting?
Batman sleeps through his. Indiana Jones sneaks out of his office window to avoid grading even a single paper.
Those people are all geniuses. I'm not saying we have to have a 45-minute scene where Indiana Jones gets in trouble with tenure review, but it's kind of weird how much we idolize laziness. American culture has this major hard-on for pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and paying your dues, but all our really brilliant aspirational heroes never do any of that.
These smart arms are controlled by my brain through a neural link. Nano-wires feed directly into my cerebellum, allowing me to use these arms to control fusion reaction in an environment no human hand could enter. Quick question, Dr. Octopus, are you a physicist or a neurologist or a roboticist?
Because you just casually described incredible breakthroughs in all of those fields. You know what?
It's not fair for me to use a supervillain. Let's stick to normies, like Lucius Fox from Batman, who not only knows how to design and build a train system, but also how to run a multinational super corporation and cure fear toxin. But fine, again, I get it, we're still in superhero movies.
Dr. Elizabeth Shaw from Prometheus is an archaeologist, an astronaut, and feels comfortable performing an autopsy on an alien head.
Those are three very specific skills that require a lifetime of study, and the third one isn't even a thing. And bringing back Will Hunting, he's not just a great mathematician, he memorizes textbooks already said that, and is a total expert in the probably made up field of reading people's minds based on their paintings. And this is a problem that has bled over into the real world. Bill Nye, the science guy, isn't an expert in all of science, but we treat him like an expert in climate change because he has science in his middle name. I mean, I agree with him, but we may as well be getting a take from Dennis Quaids and see at least play the climate change expert in a movie, which is why real climate experts have issues with what he says. Also, you know how Stephen Hawking occasionally predicts at the end of the world? That's fine, but it has nothing to do with theoretical physics, which is his area of expertise. Science is actually like a whole bunch of different things. It's really well illustrated by this cartoon by Professor Matt Mike, which shows a circle containing all of human knowledge and shows a PhD as a tiny little red dick poking out toward the rim. And by the way, vindicates the entire point of my show because we've conclusively proven that movies are screwing with our heads and making us dumber, so this isn't just a bunch of pointless observations. These are real problems.
I'm doing important work here. We all are. Together. Let's finish up. There's the title. Have you read it? Is it long enough? Great. Cool. Let's go.
I'm not really worried about smart people. They're going to be fine. If anything, they're probably in on it, trying to fool us, make it harder for us to know what's really going on so they can stay one step ahead. My God. Look at the smart people hiding. Oh well. It's probably boring. I mean, they're just a bunch of nerds, anyway. Oh, damn it.
And for those of you who stuck around, I met a traveler from an antique land who said two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand in the desert near them on the sand. |
dropout | legalize_shrooms | I'm a doctor. I'm a lawyer. I'm a journalist. I'm Cookie Monster. I'm a big wet bag of stones. I'm really chipping out, you guys.
The outdated laws of prohibition are more dangerous than the drug itself. Alcohol, cigarettes, and shovels are responsible for thousands of deaths a year, and yet remain legal.
Mushrooms are only made of mush in rooms. Does this freak you out as much as it freaks me out?
My wife divorced me. I lost my scholarship. I was fired. Now I'm water.
Without health insurance, I'm worried that no one will see me. I shouldn't have to fight to experience rubbing ladybugs on my bare chest. The laws of gravity say you cannot fly, but I disagree.
If you don't believe me, listen to my head mouth. President Obama? It's time for a change. If not now?
I lost my phone.
What time are we in? But I think that it knows where I am. We are white. Turquoise. Buttermilk. I feel like I'm fading into the wall behind me. It's time for legalization. Yes. We.
What? Why do you look disappointed? |
TheOnion | CDC_Warns_Against_Health_Risks_Of_Flavored_Gun_Barrels_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_21 | It's the hottest new trend among our nation's teens, but could it be deadly? Hear why the CDC is warning against the use of flavored gun barrels, and technology, and the justice system.
Could an Alexa be used in court to charge someone with planning a big-time bank heist? A heist so big that the person would never have to work in public radio another day in their life?
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, this is the topical. And if this isn't the most informative part of your day, then my name isn't Leslie H. Price. Stay with us. The topical is presented by CashApp, the number one finance app in the App Store. Hey, I said it, so it must be true, right?
Jesus, get a brain! Learn to think for yourself, people!
But seriously, it is number one, and it's the easiest way to send and receive money, and you should download it today using promo code topical. Well, because I said so. And because you get ten bucks. CashApp, download it.
It seems like more and more people are using them each day, but the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a major warning to consumers today against the potential health risks associated with flavored gun barrels. OPR health correspondent Jenna Resnick has been following this story and joins us now. Hello, Jenna. Hello, Leslie. So, Jenna, what prompted the CDC to issue this warning?
Well, federal experts are investigating reports of severe injuries and even deaths that could be connected to sucking on the flavored barrel of a loaded gun several times a day. CDC representative Michael Griffin talked to the press this morning and had this to say. So far, at least 33 states have reported 450 cases of flavored firearm users experiencing severe negative health effects that include blowing off half their faces and even succumbing to sudden death. Griffin also cited the results of a recent study showing a surge in underage use of the guns that are dipped into flavor pods with names like Candy Bang, Smith and Watermelon, Bubble Gun, Pistol Whipped Cream, and Death by Chocolate, which experts say appeal to teens. Kids are calling it glocking, and the trend is spreading incredibly fast because kids like the taste of the barrels and share their guns with their friends who then go out and get their own to stick in their mouths.
Hmm, and are the manufacturers who make these flavored guns taking any responsibility? Well, not exactly. Manufacturers have repeatedly stated that they do not advertise flavored guns towards children and that as long as you don't pull the trigger, it's all harmless fun. And right now, they're currently fighting the flavored gun bans that some state governments are trying to pass. One person who is supporting the manufacturers is NRA President Carolyn Meadows. Here's what she had to say. The Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution protects our rights to bear guns that are delicious. Of course, we advocate for responsible flavored gun ownership, and as long as you practice moderation, it's a great way to take the edge off. Plus, you can use them indoors with virtually zero secondhand health effects.
Just watch. Mm-mm. I love it.
Oh God, is she okay? Ms. Meadows should gain most of the movement in her face back after a few surgeries, though she fervently denies that the cause of her recent hospitalization had anything to do with the flavored gun she had in her mouth at the time. Well, it looks like we'll just have to wait a little longer for the verdict to come back on these flavored gun barrels. Thank you, Jenna. You bet.
Well, it's never too early to start thinking about the future, and top financial experts recommend that those in the most volatile job market should make it a priority. Analysts are especially encouraging young grifters to start laying the groundwork for their long con before the age of 25. OPR financial reporter Mark Zandi joins me now. Yeah, hey there, Leslie. So Mark, why is it so important for these young hustlers to start working on their big scam early? Well, even though grifting offers a lot more flexibility than a job in organized racketeering, a con artist never really knows when the next sucker is going to come along. Plain and simple, it takes time to lay the bricks that get you on the path to easy street. I see. How do con men and con women be investing? Well, most advisors strongly urge young scammers to put away 10% of their side hustle earnings while they're still in their early 20s. Sure, it may not seem glamorous, but burning shoe leather never is, and no one wants to be stuck picking pockets or shaving dice when they're 90. Just listen to some of the goldbrickers I spoke with recently.
I had a nice racket going, stealing purses from little old rich ladies in the park. Taking out cash advances on their credit cards is easy money, but now I'm 45 and I'm slow, and I got an arrest record that severely limits my earning potential. I had my long con all planned out and ready to go. Had my fake identity, found my mark, had a long running badger game, putting a few politicians into some compromising and photograph positions. It was a beaut of a snow job, but now instead of sipping on my ties in the Cayman Islands like I should be, I'm locked up in this joint because of that no good double crossing broad Ramona.
Now Eddie got a bum rap, but that's why financial analysts also suggest diversifying your portfolio of scams to include modern ventures, such as duping counterfeit cryptocurrency and running Russian ID farms, in addition to wise old owl methods like three-card Monty. Sounds like there are a lot of good investment options out there for young swindlers. So if a grifter does put the pieces of a long con into place, when should it pay off? Depends on the scam, Leslie. But if you're smart and responsible with your schemes, not too long. Take Ramona, for example.
She used the cash she pinched off of Eddie to get her hooks into a rich old millionaire early. I just pulled some strings, paid a few bribes, and suddenly I find myself the personal nurse to a 93-year-old oil tycoon.
Aw, Howard. Such a sweetie.
Well, anywho, one thing led to another and we got married. It wasn't long after he changed his will that he had a terrible accident. I'll never forgive myself for parking his wheelchair under that crane dangling that pallet of bricks. Oh, my tie?
Well, to anyone who's listening in the bilking industry, you might want to start working toward that bigger target sooner than later. OPR's Mark Zandy.
Thanks, Mark. Hey, put her there, pal. Oh, all right. See ya. Nice guy.
Wait. What the?
He took my watch. That son of a bitch took my watch. I gotta go after him.
Where are my keys? Hey! That's my car, you asshole! Damn it!
You're listening to The Topical. We're going to take a short break so I can find someone to drive me home later. But when we're back, we'll talk about, I don't know, the economy or something. Stick with us. Fuck.
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Lots of other news to cover today, but honestly, I'm getting a little tired. So what do you say we just call it after these three? Agreed? Agreed.
The Department of Going into Labor announced today that it's time. The announcement comes on the heels of an overwhelming outcry of Oh God, Oh God, it's coming by the department and is kicking off a broader initiative by the DOGIL to just breathe and push.
DOGIL candidate Joe Biden is looking to drum up some additional campaign funding ahead of Super Tuesday. The former VP is selling his own separate hand that was once shaken by President Barack Obama. Anyone interested in purchasing the disembodied right hand can do so at Biden's campaign website.
And finally, the animal kingdom bids adieu to an icon today after the greatest genius in cow history was slaughtered and eaten. Named Unit 42259, it'll be remembered for its rudimentary problem solving abilities and high emotional intelligence, but most of all for the immense sadness it felt when it knew this was its time. Those who ate the incredible cow described their meat dishes as tasting, quote, OK. Well, that's it for the topical today.
I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's program, don't forget to rate and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. It's how I measure my self-worth.
And if you happen to be at or around the OPR offices, I could still use a ride home. Let me know. Otherwise, I'm probably just going to sleep here. We'll see you right back here tomorrow either way. Lots of other news to cover today, but honestly, I'm getting a little tired.
So what do you say we just call it after these three? Agreed? Agreed.
The Department of Going into Labor announced today that it's time. The announcement comes on the heels of an overwhelming outcry of Oh God, Oh God, it's coming by the department and is kicking off a broader initiative by the DOGIL to just breathe and push.
Presidential candidate Joe Biden is looking to drum up some additional campaign funding ahead of Super Tuesday. The former VP is selling his own separate hand that was once shaken by President Barack Obama. Anyone interested in purchasing the disembodied right hand can do so at Biden's campaign website.
And finally, the animal kingdom bids adieu to an icon today after the greatest genius in cow history was slaughtered and eaten. Named Unit 42259, it'll be remembered for its rudimentary problem-solving abilities and high emotional intelligence, but most of all for the immense sadness it felt when it knew this was its time. Those who ate the incredible cow described their meat dishes as tasting quote, okay. Well that's it for the topical today.
I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's program, don't forget to rate and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. It's how I measure my self-worth.
And if you happen to be at or around the OPR offices, I could still use a ride home. Let me know. Otherwise, I'm probably just going to sleep here. We'll see you right back here tomorrow either way. |
dropout | adult_disney_fans_are_weird_hot_date | So, since we are flush with cash from that go-kart settlement... We did not say anywhere that those things couldn't handle sand dunes. I think we should go on vacation. You thinking what I'm thinking? Disney World! Um, I was thinking that we could see the world and experience new cultures. Like at Epcot. No, like, um, expand our minds. Like at Imagineer. Somewhere like Spain or France or Germany. Like at Epcot. I'm sorry, um, why would we ever willingly go to Florida?
Emily, there's something I need to show you. Ew, I've had sex with you.
It is the mark of my people. The mark of House Mouse. Ever since I was a boy, my brethren and I would make an annual pilgrimage to the mouse. Now, even though I am grown, my heart still yearns.
For the red rocks of frontier land and the enchanted falls of Splash Mountain. So, you're from one of those Disney families that goes there every vacation instead of venturing outside their comfort zones?
Being an accurate assessment? Yeah. Cool.
Well, I don't want to waste my vacation time going to Disney World. Emily, Disney World is not a vacation.
It's a state of mind. Well, the more reason not to go there. Just go into your mind. What do you even want to do?
Do you want to walk around wearing Mickey ears? Please. I'm a grown man. A tasteful Jack Skellington hoodie and a light saber is all I need. Leave the mouse ears to the women. Is this why you don't have a passport? Um, I have a Disney passport stamped by every margarita vendor in Epcot's World Showcase. That's enough. Citizen of the World Showcase.
Disney is just another corporation that doesn't care about you and they don't care about their employees. Cast members. What? Disney doesn't have employees, they have cast members. So, um, the guy shoveling shit out of the pool drain at one of their resorts is... Part of the cast.
That sounds like a cult. Just because I was indoctrinated as a child, I ignore all the bad parts about it and yield fully to its influence over me does not mean I'm in a cult.
I just like it, okay? Real life is stressful and Mickey Mouse isn't. I like Mickey Mouse. I see. Disney World isn't just a theme park to you. It represents the magic of childhood. Okay, let's do this.
We'll do a European vacation, but before we do, we'll drive down and we'll spend a weekend at Disneyland. Disneyland doesn't even have Spaceship Earth.
Alright, give me your arm, I'm gonna cut that tattoo out. No, no, no, no, no, no! What's up, the world?
From award holders Murph and Emily comes a new web series called Hot Date. That's right, it's gonna be coming to you weekly, and if we play our cards right, maybe we'll actually win one of these.
Yes, these are other people's. These are other people's. But we're holding them, so who's the real winner? |
Wizards_with_Guns | learning_to_ride_a_bike_ruined_my_life_ | I remember when my dad taught me how to ride a bike. I love you son. Alright, three, two, one. I'm doing it. I'm doing it dad. Yes you are son. Now go ahead and stop. Son, son, son you gotta stop.
I don't know how.
Dad. Oh my god. Dad. Son. What? Son.
That was 25 years ago. I never did learn how to stop.
Biking and biking and biking and biking. My life is one big bike. I've traveled so far.
Paris. Beijing. Cairo. Chinatown.
I've finally biked around the entire planet. No stop. Never stop. Just bike.
I'm almost back home. I just hope my dad's still alive.
Dad? Dad. Dad it's me your son. Son. Dad. Dad it's me. Son.
My boy. I can't see my boy. Where's my boy?
Dad. Dad wait. Dad move. Dad look out.
My boy. Where's my boy? Where's my special boy?
I'm right behind you dad. Dad turn around. I'm behind you.
I've been waiting son. I've been waiting. Dad no. Where are you son? I can't stop.
Dad. Son. Dad. Son.
Wait. I'm scared. Frank's face is like. Son. This is so dumb. |
dropout | all_nighter_robot_sex_toy | College humor is all nighter! Oh god. Anu, you are doing such a good job producing these all nighter videos. I know, Emily. I am so stressed out.
You just need to get off. May I present you with the sexbot fuckatron Y2K 2011? Sit down, Anu. Sit down. Take a seat.
The fuckatron is a state of the art, fuckmachine robot capable of delivering pleasure to even the most fickle lovers with his plethora of scientifically tested erotic settings. Hello, I am the fuckatron. I am here to play easy, Lou. Foreplay mode. I love your laugh. I know the splat that drives you crazy.
Tender touch!
Dirty talk. You're a pussy that is so wet. I know you like that tiny horse. Too much? No problem. Just calibrate the innocent settings. Be gentle! It's my first time! Oh my god, you're scared. I can't even. Hey ladies, I hope you like oral sex. Who don't? Boy, I sure do love eating that pussy. Check the oil and ring the bell. And for those of us who like to up the intensity, the fuckatron has something for you. Do the alphabet! Ladies, that's battery acid. Let's talk about sex. I've never been without squirting before. But play, but play, gentle little tweaking. What about a stick? I thought you'd never ask. |
ClickHole | relax_the_beautiful_woman_you_see_in_the_thumbnail_will_show_up_eventually_ | Hey there everybody, today we're going to be talking about something that you've probably heard about a lot in the news lately, but you might not fully understand what it is. Fracking. Fracking, or hydraulic fracturing, is a technique that is used to release oil from shale rock. It involves injecting a mixture of water and chemicals into underground shale rock at an extreme pressure, which breaks the rock open and releases the gas. Now, fracking allows us to access reserves of oil that can't be reached by normal drilling, and it lets us generate electricity at much lower CO2 emissions than with coal. It's regarded as the future of domestic oil production, and estimates suggest that it can provide over 100 years of gas security in the United States and Canada. There's a lot of controversy surrounding fracking due to its potential to harm the environment. Many worry about the chemicals that are used contaminating underground water reserves. There have also been hundreds of documented instances of earthquakes that have been attributed to fracking activity. People are also concerned that relying on fracking will distract the government from developing renewable energy sources.
Now, that was probably a lot of information to take in at once. So to explain things a little further, let's hear from Lisa.
Fracking might sound complicated, but overall it's actually pretty simple. Much like a sponge holding water, shale rock is porous and is filled with little pockets of gas. To get the gas out, you have to put pressure on the rock. So fracking is drilling down and injecting fluid into the rock so the gas can flow freely from it. Just like I'm doing here with this sponge. Now, while we've given you the basics, there's still a lot more you can learn about fracking, and we'd encourage you to explore some more on your own.
It's a complicated issue, and both sides of the debate have a lot of valid points. Thanks for watching, and as always, stay curious. |
SaturdayNightLive | broadway_sizzle_snl | You're watching Manhattan Public Access. Now it's time for Broadway Sizzle with Darius Modello and Cara Modello-labette. welcome to another episode of Broadway Sizzle. I'm Darius Modello and this is my wife Cara Modello-labette. ex-wife. we're dating again. we shared a salad and a dry kiss. that's it. Well, it was wet on my end. Cara and I still shared the same lover's futon. we wrote some of the best showstoppers in Broadway history. songs like Moon Children. the children talk to the moon. the moon stares at the children. the children reach for the moon. the moon's chill for long.
Thank you. we wrote that song for Liza. I wish it was Minnelli, but it was Wong. Liza Wong!
And get this, I just saw her in a commercial for Carmel Car Service. she sings, go into the airport. are you sure? I thought she sang, ride round town. I think we're both wrong. she sings, shop in a rumble van. Whatever she sings, she looks great and calm. she does. This afternoon we're going to be listening to some show tunes sung by young hopefuls this afternoon. singing a song by a new composer, Herschel Wizz, is Michael Brown, Christopher Brown.
Please enjoy Pear Train. Hey Jimmy, what's that coming over the hill? is that a train full of pears? I think it is. Everybody aim your ears over here. everybody listen so you can hear. the pear trains are coming. everybody stand clear.
Chunk, Chunk, psssssss, cuck-huck. Chunk, Chunk, Psssss, cuck-huck. chunk, chunk, Psssss, cuck-huck. soon we'll have juicy pears up to our eyes.
Oh, oh Michael. you actually made me see a train. And you almost made me see pears. work on the pears.
Good damn luck. Up next is John Timberly Crisp. John, what will you be singing for us? I'm John Timberly Crisp, and I'm going to be singing a song from the musical, you can't hold me down back there like that. it's a song called Damn It, Pam, And I am John Timberly Crisp.
Damn it, Pam. Get out of the doorway. damn it, Pam. move off from the tracks. damn it, Pam. get up on that windmill. damn it, Pam. it's time to react. damn it, damn it, damn it, Pam. I'm leaving you, Tom. you can pick up your own boots. wait. wait a minute. wait, no, no, don't applaud. this is a woman song. I thought I was yelling at Pam, but I guess I am Pam. can I do that again and change all the Pams to Dan's and the Tom to Renee? can I do that?
We liked what you did as it was this afternoon. as it was was damn great. join us over here, will you? I'm too embarrassed. I just sang a woman song on public access television. Can it get any worse than that? durn it. Where's my head? where's my durned head?
Lean hard on yourself, John Timberly Crisp. Is it okay if I sing another song? a song for a boy? Well, we have another guest. do you mind if we bump you so he can sing another song? Um. you're bumped. Go. Okay, John Timberly Crisp. what are you singing for us?
It's a smoky little number with a little spice. And I'm going to start with my back to you so that I can slowly turn around at the top. Oh!
I went to the cupboard, we were all out of jazz. Who had the last of the jazz? If you finish the jazz, you're going to tell somebody. Or at least replace the jazz with some matass.
Now let me put my bra back on before my dad walks in. Oh, wait a minute. this song is for a woman, too.
What gives? durn it. darn it to heck. What The Durn?
I just goofed again. I goofed my chance, is what I did. that's all right. we're almost out of time anyway. you did a good job.
I need another song, a song that screams boy. Wait. a woman's got to be a woman, the Judy Wells story. Margaret Suzanne's version for soprano and drums.
Durn it. Fudge me to Durn. that's all the time we have. it sure is this afternoon. I'm Darius Modello, and for my wife, Kara Modello-lavent. ex-wife. this has been Broadway Sizzle. Yay! |
TheOnion | PR_Firm_Advises_U_S_To_Cut_Ties_With_Alabama | Following reports earlier today that public relations firm Hill & Knowlton had urged the United States to distance itself from the state of Alabama, Senior Director Marsha Haber sat down with Onion reporters to explain her agency's recommendation that the U.S. cut ties with the long-standing Southern Territory. We know that Alabama has been closely aligned with the United States for nearly 200 years, but the fact is the state has become a liability for the country's brand. Times are changing, and we think it would be best for all parties involved if Alabama and America went their separate ways. Haber, who has previously represented clients like Nike, Robert Downey Jr., and OPEC, cited various surveys and opinion polls to highlight several key characteristics of Alabama that have proven detrimental to the nation's overall reputation. When people hear the words United States, we want them thinking California, Oregon, Colorado, not Alabama. The truth is people have a tendency to associate the state with teen pregnancies, religious intolerance, and obesity, not to mention the state's history with race relations is a bit checkered. Simply put, Alabama is not the kind of place you want dragging down the image of a flourishing democracy. Nonetheless, we wish the entire state the very best of luck with any other countries it may seek to work with in the future. For more on this story, check this week's Onion review. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_comic_con_pt_1 | Welcome to Bleep Loop brought to you by Mountain Dew Voltage. Today we are on location at Comic Con. I'm your host Jeff Rubin, I'm here as always with Pat Cassels.
We're supposed to be dressed as Pikachu and Ash. We are dressed as Pikachu and Ash.
You kind of got the wrong Ash, I think everyone knows that. How was I supposed to know that? I'm sorry. Do you have any idea?
Well luckily Jeff isn't the only one who looks ridiculous. There are people here, attendees dressed as characters from video games and comic books and movies of all kind and Jeff and I are going to talk to some of them today.
Let's just go inside. Let's go inside. Let's.
Which Superman are you? Mostly the Alex Ross Superman but it's kind of a Tom Welling hopefully Superman eventually. And which Leia are you? Slight Leia. That was the Christopher Reeves Leia?
Yes. Now Michelangelo you kind of have a reputation as a bit of a party dude on set. Whoa whoa Jeff that is unsamptial, I'm sorry that is yellow journalism. I apologize for him. I'm just saying what's going on. Very well. I think that says it all. You're only perpetuating the rumors further sir. Please. No. This looks like a scene from the strangest fan fiction ever written. Do you really agree?
You would not like me if I was angry. I don't know if I like you right now. Bruce Banner says you don't like me if you're angry. You're already angry. That's okay people don't like me even when I'm not angry.
Are you a fan of Ninja Turtles? Are you a lifelong Ninja Turtles fan?
I was. I used to watch it when I was a kid. My brother.
Who's your favorite? I like Leonardo. I always knew April and Leonardo was a thing. I always knew it was April and Leonardo.
And who are you supposed to be sir? Pat, that's obviously not a man. You're right Jeff. He's a god.
I am here with easily the coolest character in the entire expanded universe of Star Wars, Boba Fett. Jeff, with all due respect I believe Endor Stormtrooper is the coolest character in the Star Wars universe. That's why he doesn't even have a name. I'm here with Boba Fett. Obviously the coolest dude in- How many hoverbikes does Boba Fett have? How many jetpacks does Stormtrooper have?
You're Season 7 Scully who is starting to come to terms with the supernatural. Just Jeff in this costume. That was easy.
I don't know what Luke's complaining about. Why are you taking so long to become a Jedi? So you are not- I just want to be clear about this.
You're not a guy in a black man's occasion. Before we were talking to a guy in a Superman costume. But right now, we are actually talking to Black Manda as that director.
You're not here as a villain. You're just here as a fan. You're enjoying the show. Yeah, I'm not here enjoying the show.
That makes sense. Perhaps the Black Manda's been misunderstanding you all these years. Yeah, I get a bad rap. What would you do if you saw an attendee in an Aquaman costume right now? I will destroy him. Great job, Kamikaze.
You've got no recycling. You've got styrofoam trays. Where is Captain Planet when you do it? Oh, there he is. So, Pat, this is an Ash. You were going to mark the swimmers of your motorcycle.
What about this ordeal again? What's so hard about this costume? I mean, I'm sorry, okay? You're still harping on this?
See, I was supposed to come as Ash and he was coming as Pikachu. And I came as the wrong. What was going to happen was going to happen. That's why there's no money for the Japanese Pikachu suit. |
cracked | the_secret_santa_that_ruined_christmas | Tada! Oops! Cat's out of the bag! Ho ho, oops! Stop saying oops, you're scaring Sam.
I'm Secret Santa! I launched it on ya! The old Secret Santa is an office gift exchange, it's not the... Man, you don't know the weirdest stuff. I'm Secret Santa! Did you get a present? Yeah, we got presents. Yeah! Because you said we'd be doing Secret Santa, so we expected a gift exchange. Yeah!
Well, in my family... You do something different, clearly. In my family, we exchange presents. In every family. In all of the families. Well, in my family...
Even if we were on board, you told us you were doing Secret Santa, which would have ruined it. The only reason we're surprised now is because we thought Secret Santa meant the thing it actually means. I'm sorry, can we just, uh, and do a, uh, present check, uh, just to, to assess?
Santa! Because Santa's an ass. Okay. Walter. Santa.
We are doing a present check to see who... Just say you didn't get a gift, man. It's no big deal and already apparent. I in fact didn't get a gift. A present.
Huh! Huh? Wrong again.
Chris, the Grinch? Cringe? Yes, I am the Grinch here.
He said adopting the term immediately. That is a viral meme, I just coined. Viral meme is repetitive and redundant and synonym and...
You are not behaving very Santa-ishy, Walter Claws. Fuck up. He's real fuggled up. Well, your Santa costumes look like crap. Wearing Santa costumes, you don't understand Christmas.
My cat is though. And he smells like pumpkin bread. In my family.
What's your problem? We're having a meeting on Fuggling Christmas. Sounds so dirty when you say it. Can we just resolve the emergency and get back to our family? Chris, you got a family? Congratulations. For your speech. Walter, what's the damn crap emergency? The emergency mentioned in the email with the subject line urgent emergency please confer with me urgently. It was in all caps, man.
That was part of the surprise. Secret Santa surprise. Oops!
So there's no business. There's no... There's nothing?
No, not at all. No, it was the thrill of seeing your boss humble himself by donning a festive character. You called a meeting on Christmas day to show us your Santa hat and tell us you didn't get us anything. Oops.
That's cool. You're a cool guy, Walter.
I want to marry you. And I would just love a jib-jab of you, you know? With the picture and they stick it in and it becomes a cartoon and then you're like a happy little elf. I've actually got some photos of you already. I am going to go ahead and take the lead on that project and jib-jab you.
You suck. What is it? Oh, don't.
I'm like 40% sure he was talking to me. So he was talking to me. Oh! I didn't even do the Santa voice the whole time. I worked on it. Do you think I should call Chris back?
Hi, Auntie. Hi, Sam. Hi, Mom. My meeting's done. Oh, good. Hi, Daddy.
What was the emergency? Oh, just some holiday stuff, you know. Walter has a jib-jab deal in the works. Guess who's gonna be spearheading it? Oh. Good, I guess, but it's a shame you had to miss dinner. I love you guys.
Merry Christmas! |
cracked | which_ninja_turtle_are_you_life_s_most_important_question_after_hours | Giotto? You really can't name one Ninja Turtle. I was born to Popples. And She-Ra.
Even April O'Neill would have been acceptable. You don't see a lot of reporters in yellow jumpsuits anymore.
So, Danatello, Sore and Leonardo, and Mike, Mike, Mike. Okay, what's the fourth one? I'll be the fourth one.
Okay, no one else finds that unsettling. Michael, it's the natural cadence of her voice. She can't control it. You don't like it?
Green. Power Ranger? Green, then white after season two.
Always the same. But the turtles are unique. Because everybody picks a different favorite. Ooh, Giberti. No, but I admire your persistence. It didn't matter which one was coolest or which one you wanted to be like. You picked the turtle that was like you.
Soren, you like Leonardo because he's honor-bound and loyal. We've got to save him from his own destructiveness. I like Michelangelo because he's reckless. Oh, there he is. And Dan, you like Donatello because he's a nerd and he's open to sexual electronics.
First of all, does machines isn't literal. Second of all, it was a foot massager that I got for my birthday, and I told you all of that a thousand times. And not one of us ever asked. The foot massager.
That is exactly what Raphael would say. Raphael, the sensitive one. When he was alive, nature was afraid to be won by him. And when he died, she wanted to die herself. No, Raphael would never pull some bullshit like that.
Okay, I will concede that the Ninja Turtle selection is seminal to young boys, but it's not like the writers came up with it themselves. I mean, the Four Humors have been around for centuries. No one knows what you're talking about. Okay, the story behind the Four Humors basically says that inside every person, they're fluids. Blood, yellow bile, black bile, and phlegm, making up the four temperaments. Those temperaments? Those that you just described in each of the Ninja Turtles.
Wow. Thank you. No, I'm just surprised that there's actually proof behind one of Michael's arguments. Thank you.
That's not... I'm not complimenting either, one of you.
They really ought to have had female counterparts for the Turtles.
Sex and the City. What? You love Sex and the City?
Absolutely. I like to keep my finger on the pulse of all pseudo porn for women. I gotta know what I'm up against. Seriously, though. Those girls, their personalities are exact tracings of the Ninja Turtles. If one of them does machines, I'm stopping at Blockbuster on the way home. One of them does everything. She's the slut. I'll walk. Well, he's in for a disappointing evening. Okay, so how do they match up?
Carrie Bradshaw is literal and intellectual, very much like Donatello. Then there's Charlotte, who believes in duty before self, like Leonardo. Miranda is a fiery redhead with a loner streak. And finally, there's Samantha, the impulsive whore-slash-jokester with nothing to lose.
AKA, the guy who still has a Blockbuster card. Oh, what? You just assumed, because I'm a girl, that I would... Yeah, he's right.
I mean, they are the Ninja Turtles, except instead of Katanas and Nunchucks, their weapons are a pen, a marriage, a baby, and sex, respectively. They do spend an awful lot of time on their backs. Alright, so these girls couldn't be any more different from one another. In all respects, they should absolutely hate one another, and yet, they hang out. Why? Maybe it's because these personalities are drawn to one another. Maybe, in fact, they even depend on one another. I mean, think about other groups of four.
Sure. Yes. No, that wasn't a question. That makes sense to me. Well, I was going to say us.
And nowhere is it more pure than in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I mean, that show wasn't just creating characters that kids could latch onto. It was teaching kids the primary colors of personality that they would have to deal with for the rest of their lives.
So is that really porn for women? It's pseudo-porn. It's not what you think. It's just a bunch of people in boring situations where sometimes nudity happens. I'm not going to lie. That sounds amazing.
Women our age shouldn't joke about vitamins. Women who are not our age shouldn't say women our age. I am leading the way through the menopause maze. With my vitamins, my melatonin sleep patches, my bi-identical estrogen cream... |
TheOnion | White_House_Thrilled_With_Record_Number_Of_People_Who_Thought_They_Signed_Up_For_Healthcare | A new and improved Obamacare program is released on 35 floppy disks, a weird man begins every morning by dousing his naked body in water, and a monstrous beast is using both armrests. If you came here looking for the Onion Day in review, you have made a very serious mistake. This is the Onion Week in Review. Following the official launch of Obamacare, sources confirmed this week the White House was fully thrilled with the record number of people who thought they signed up for healthcare. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said in a press statement Thursday she was, quote, very happy with the millions of Americans who are pretty sure they are now signed up to receive government healthcare and proud of designing a website that could so easily allow people to be sort of clear about the benefits they will receive.
In a fright announcement made directly from Hauntington, D.C., President Obama kicked off the 13th annual D.C. Spooktacular this Tuesday. Obama invited ghosts and goblins of all ages to visit the hair-raising sites all across Capitol Hill, including the D.C. Reflecting Ghouls and the National Scares in Space Museum. White House Press Secretary Jay Carnage spoke to reporters in a press briefing and said the event would quite likely be an experience to die for. Thanks to the bipartisan cooperation of demon-crats like Scary Reed and GeoScream members such as Shrieker of the House Boehner, the President believes this could possibly be the most howlingly good Spooktacular on record and urges Americans of all backgrounds to come on out this week for the creep-stravaganza of a lifetime, if they dare.
Media Merge CEO Gary Lightman reported this week that while he has led the tech company for the past eight years, he had actually worked his way up from more modest beginnings as son of the CEO. Citing such key factors as being hired directly out of college as an executive and the fact that his father was the CEO, Lightman discussed his quick, relatively straightforward trip to the top. If you would have told me ten years ago that I would someday be the CEO of my dad's company, I would have said, absolutely not. I'm not going to lie to you, it was a lot of work. I mean, from the time I led my first board meeting two weeks after I was hired to the full year it took for me to make the jump from executive vice president to president, I was here for nearly eight hours every day. Someone clearly saw my efforts and took notice. And in science news, researchers teach sign language to a gorilla suit-wearing man. In other news, a drunk teen going 100 miles per hour down a slick highway is invincible, a five-year-old reluctantly lets his crying mom sleep in his bed again, and a vegetarian option is just iceberg lettuce on bread. Everyone secretly suspected you would never watch this entire web video, but by God, you showed them. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_Nationals_Big_Compromise_Katter_Weighs_In_A_Scared_Dropnuts_More_October_22 | You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall. Of course, Errol Parker, Editor-at-Large. How are you Errol?
I'm alright mate. How are you going? Good thanks mate. And of course in the corner we've got the Diamantina's News Reader. Wendell Hussey, how are you mate? Yeah, really well thanks Clancy. Fighting fit. Been a bit of a weird week in news though hasn't it? How are you going?
It's not weird news if they're not telling you anything. Obviously a lot going on in Canberra, a lot of things being held from us, a lot of people working very hard to hold things from us, and a lot of people not making decisions, which is kind of the opposite of what we pay them to do. So not really, almost a standstill news cycle in my opinion.
And the nation too Wendell is edging closer and closer to becoming a republic after the Queen reportedly spent a night in jail. It seems like only yesterday when Prince Philip was being hospitalised on and off like this. Yeah, very happy Malcolm Turnbull today I reckon. And Peter Fitzsimons.
They won't admit it but probably, yeah. Alright well let's get into this week's news wrap and we will start off down in Canberra which you just mentioned Clancy. The Nats have finally unveiled their net zero plan saying, okay so we won't touch mining and gas, but we shoot every cow. It looks like we've finally got some clarity on this issue from the people who are paid to be on top of this issue. As Barnaby Joyce, the leader of the Nationals said earlier this week, they haven't been this divided with the Liberals since Malcolm Turnbull told them to stop rooting their staffers. However it looks like there might be some progress in the recent net zero debates. Yes, they had a few meetings this week as we reported there were a couple of punch-ons but they've nutted out what they want. Basically they want us to put a bullet in the head of every cow, grow a tree and a few paddocks here and there, you know where they used to be, and then allow free reign on coal and gas extraction so they can keep their friends in higher places happy. Yes, Barnaby Joyce provided the advocate with this quote about the new position offering a little bit of an insight into the thinking behind it. He said, I know the Nats are meant to represent the bush yada, yada, yada, yada. But nowadays Aussie farmers are mostly depressed small business owners or major Chinese conglomerates, so we don't really need to worry about what they think right now. Now staying on this story, Bob Catter has weighed into the debate. He said this about the net zero issue, and I'll throw this one to you Errol.
He said, the key to limiting carbon emissions is in those big river red gums. But you can't camp under the river because those branches have been wanted their own, you know.
Funny story actually, there's a bloke named Choneman Charlie who left behind two wives and nine-inch Adams after a big limb of timber landed on his swag one night. Hard to argue with this, isn't it? Not sure it's actually that funny of a story, Bob, but it is an interesting insight into the thinking of the rural independence. The Maverick MP from North Queensland, Bob Catter, continued for about another 20 to 30 minutes outlining his strong position on net zero and all this hoo-ha ahead of Glasgow. But he does seem to think if we plant more red river gums, we'll be able to suck the carbon out of the air like, as he said, like Clive Palmer sucks oxygen when he walks up the front steps of the Brisbane Treasury Casino. But you know, of course, there was a gear change and Bob Carter got distracted. He ended up telling a story about a bloke who ended up getting crushed by one of the branches from these trees that are commonly known as the widow makers. Yes, if I remember that story correctly, they had to, you know, unpeel Charlie and have his swag like a jam roll-up, but I don't know, it's a story for another time. But it was certainly a new take on carbon neutralisation from Bob. He did also call the Nationals a bunch of UQ thespians with a few roos loose in the top paddock, which seems like it might be a thing that makes the most sense in this whole debate.
COVID news now and it's been revealed that an absolute fucking drop nuts doesn't want to get the jab because he's scared. Yes, a proud Queenslander who reckons he could smoke more bongs than any other bloke in his home town is apparently a little bit hesitant about protecting himself against the virus. We spoke to Clayton Claymore from Gladstone a couple days ago about why he hadn't just gone and gotten the jab. He started reaching for some scientific data he read on the internet, but thankfully his mates jumped in and explained to us that it's all actually because Claydo is just a big fat drop nuts who's too afraid to admit it.
Well, I don't think you're a drop nuts for being concerned about, you know, your own health. And you know, our own health is protected by the Constitution. I mean, like, it's akin to free speech. I mean, you have a right to what you put in your own body.
Absolutely. Yeah. Interesting take there, Errol. We did have a comment that racked up a few likes on that story along those lines. It was from Tim Cunningham who said, I just don't want it, should be the only reason needed on this. Yeah. Interesting take from Tim.
Now moving from a tap out shirt wearer to a pink haired local, a broke inner city creative has found the perfect $17,000 Volvo station wagon to complete his aesthetic. Yes, a nice win for Kevin Bentpole, I believe his name was. He's from down in the French Quarter. The agency creative says he has found the ideal car to top off his woke, broke look. It's a clapped out but overpriced old Swedish car with a few loops around Australia under its belt that Bentpole reckons is his dream car come true. Yes, as he said about his new 1990s model, I just love the way it looks and no, it doesn't have Bluetooth.
Yeah, it's a shame that I can't even afford a new car, but that's the peril of being millennial, being able to afford to live, but not being able to afford to age. Well, if he has an accident with a Red River Gum, I tell you what it'd be like scraping the sardines out of a stomped on tin, I reckon. Not a great AMCAP safety rating, I don't think.
And sports news, Wayne Bennett has kicked off day one in Redcliffe saying, we cannot keep a live dolphin captive in the clubhouse. Yes, the worst kept secret in rugby league was officially confirmed this week with the master coach being given the keys to the new dolphins King Dom. And yes, he started off with a few ground rules. He's told the power brokers that he doesn't want to change too much, there's an existing framework in this historic Queensland Rugby League club, but he does have an issue with the dolphin that they keep captive in the clubhouse aquarium. He said, I'm hardly a bleeding heart tree hugger, but that shit is not on. We can't keep a living, breathing dolphin in that bizarre aquarium. It's not a good start. And if I achieve one thing here at the Redcliffe dolphins, it will be to set free that animal into Moreton Bay. Well, I think that's going to be tricky for old Wayne because I heard that the dolphin was actually a gift from the BGs. So I think they're going to be quite torn up there at Redcliffe about who they should appease, the old Redcliffe or the new Redcliffe. Well, yeah, you know, you could, you could kind of find a halfway and get the netted swimming pool, just allow it that much freedom, but it can't actually mix in with the players and stuff.
Yeah. For the cool down sessions.
Or you could do what Barnaby Joyce does when he goes on his fishing charters off the coast of Yamba every Christmas holidays is when they go out off shore. He takes a rifle to shoot the dolphins that try to take his snapper from the reef. Because it's at the mouth of the mighty Clarence, you've got sharks, whales, they come and they eat on the, on the veritive smorgasbord of, of, and it's not that wide the mouth of the Clarence is, so it's easy to shoot shooting dolphins in the very, very narrow river. The Clarence.
Yes. Very good. All right. Well, I think that's where we'll leave it for this week. Hope you enjoyed our news wrap and look forward to talking to you again soon. Bye-bye. Sure.
FD rating, I don't think.
And sports news. Wayne Bennett has kicked off day one in Redcliffe saying, we cannot keep a live dolphin captive in the clubhouse. Yes. The worst kept secret in rugby league was officially confirmed this week with the master coach being given the keys to the new dolphins King Dom.
And yes, he started off with a few ground rules. He's told the power brokers that he doesn't want to change too much. There's an existing framework in this historic Queensland rugby league club, but he does have an issue with the dolphin that they keep captive in the clubhouse aquarium. He said, I'm hardly a bleeding heart tree hugger, but that shit is not on. We can't keep a living, breathing dolphin in that bizarre aquarium. It's not a good start.
And if I achieve one thing here at the Redcliffe dolphins, it will be to set free that animal into Morton Bay. Well, I think that's going to be tricky for old Wayne because I heard that the dolphin was actually a gift from the BGs. So I think they're going to be quite torn up there at Redcliffe about who they should appease, the old Redcliffe or the new Redcliffe.
Well, yeah, you know, you could, you could kind of find a halfway and get the netted swimming pool. Just allow it that much freedom, but it can't actually mix in with the players and stuff. Yeah. For the cool down sessions.
Or you could do what Barnaby Joyce does when he goes on his fishing charters off the coast of Yamba every Christmas holidays is when they go out offshore. He takes a rifle to shoot the dolphins that try to take his snapper from the reef. Because it's at the mouth of the mighty Clarence, you'd say you've got sharks, whales, they come and they eat on the veritive smorgasbord of... And it's not that wide the mouth of the Clarence is, so it's easy to shoot, shooting dolphins in the mouth of the Clarence.
Very narrow river, the Clarence.
Yes. Very good. All right. Well, I think that's where we'll leave it for this week. Hope you enjoyed our news wrap and look forward to talking to you again soon. Bye bye. Cheers. |
dropout | how_to_pay_a_bet_3_years_late | Hey, gentlemen, you know what today is, right? Ah, fantasy football draft day, baby! You know what that means? It's time to think of the punishment for this year's loser. Ah, right. All right, now let's keep it shameful but realistic. We do not need a repeat of 2011, remember? Ugh, how could we forget? That was the year we wore Hawaiian shirts on draft day and Steve was still riding high on his 2010 legal end. The champ is here! Relax, it's a new season.
You just got lucky picking Chris Johnson last year. Uh, not luck, my friend. Genius. Not only did I pick him, Catherine and I are naming our baby after him. Chris Johnson? Well, Chris Johnson Johnson. He had to have my last name. And you can bet I'll be scooping him up first round this year. Ouch! And he did. Johnson was a bust. Left Steven dead last, but he was too much of a coward to pay the loser's bet.
Wearing the I Heart to Fart G-shirt around the office. I wore that to your wedding. But that's not what happened at all. We were sitting around sporting those mustaches we grew to look like former QB Jeff Hostettler.
When Steve came in running his mouth. The champ is here! Oh, great everyone. Steve's here. It's pronounced champ. Now, let's decide what shameful act one of you losers will be doing this February when I win again. Got the perfect idea to shut you up, Steve. You're going to be choking on your own words and Mr. Williker's tongue. Because this year's losers kissing the boss on the mouth.
Oh! Yes! Yeah, you'd probably do that to get a raise. It's on like Grey Poupon. What?!
Then he started a defense on a bye week and got slaughtered. Blame the whole thing on his kid being born. Never saw him again. Which was uglier? The loss or that awful baby? Anyway, you're both wrong.
We were in Boas and Sunglasses from that awesome Elton John concert the night before when Steve came in. The champ is here! Yeah, the champ is here.
Great, you said that already. Yeah, it's called the repeat, gentlemen. That's what I plan on doing this year. So let's lay down a big ol' bet.
Loser has to get a sex change. Because they ain't fit for a man's world. Pre-misogynistic. Or transphobic, I guess.
Either way, that's when he disappeared. Oh, fuck you. Steve? |
SaturdayNightLive | imus_on_update_saturday_night_live | At the center of the Don Imus scandal is the man himself. we're fortunate enough to have him here tonight. his fans call him the I-man. please welcome Don Imus. Thank you, Seth and Amy, for giving me another opportunity to respond and apologize. what I said was awful. just awful and idiotic. a really stupid, idiotic, awful thing to say. And I'm sorry for having said it. I hurt these Rutgers people, and I'm sorry, I'm an idiot. And they have accepted your apology. Now, do you think that. No, wait, wait, just a minute. just because they were generous enough to accept my apology, that does not absolve me from the responsibility of having made this truly distasteful and an awful joke.
Stupid, just stupid. I'm an idiot. I'm wrong.
You know, although what you said is indefensible, some have pointed to the hypocrisy of hip-hop artists regularly using these words. Well, that's just a stupid, idiotic argument, man. this is about me and what I said and who I said it to. End of story. my only hope is something good can come out of this whole awful business.
Wow, you know, this really is a different Don Imus. yeah, you know, I have to confess, I always thought you were kind of a bully. Well, this experience has changed me, Amy. Well, I really do believe that it has.
But if I could, I would like to add that throughout this sordid and awful mess, many of the friends who appeared on my radio show to promote their books and further their careers have not exactly risen to my defense. these people know who they are. and they are fat bastards. awful, stupid, the worst kind of bastards. they're, they're pussies. Yes, yes, you heard me, they're pussies. they're ugly, terrible, bastard, pussy weasels, just awful, pussy, hideous, they're drooling creeps and fat And, And, and, and do you know what? those fat bastards can all line up and kiss- don Imus, everyone.
Thank you. thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | back_to_the_future_auditions_snl | Your 25th Anniversary. back to the Future Dvd. For this cage, take one.
1.21 gigawatts. How am I gonna generate that kind of power? What in the hell is a gigawatt?
Tell me! Tell me, you bastard! not, uh, yeah.
Nick, I'm really sorry, but you're coming off a little crazy. Yeah. Oh, you think I'm crazy now? check back with me in 25 years! this is so nice, you guys. let me come down. you got your legs, your flag there. Alan Alda has Biff. he's great. wait a second. let me get this straight. this morning Mcfly covered my convertible in horse maneuvers, So now I have to beat him up and beat his dad up. actually, they're the same age. they're the same age. the dad and the son are the same age. Wow. Well, this is a real wild movie you guys are making here. damn speed. I went in. who do I s***? Prince, you wanna come on up here? take one. listen, Doc, about the future. no! Marty, we've already agreed that having information about the future can have disastrous consequences about the past. you're a luxitator with the flexin'' and the fluxin'' and you end up with serverin'' on your face. you'll put God tree to ask Biff. what are you looking at, Butt-hag? Joe Cusack, take one. hey, you. get your meat hooks off me, you. you baff you. No. hey, uh, hey, what are you lookin' at, Butt-head? hey, why don't you make like a tree and get outta here? you know, that is a great line. that is so great. the stuff you guys are doin' with the 50s and everything. you know, I had jackets like this. can you believe that? I'm the old guy. Dewey Herman as Marty Mcfly. this Saturday, we're sending you back to the Future. Future? that's the magic word!
Okay, don't forget, you're supposed to be a normal, modern-day teenager. I know you are, but what am I? that is what you are. I know you are, but what am I?
Okay, just forget it. The 25th Anniversary. Back To the Future Dvd. only today. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_gil_graham_returns_for_more_concert_reviews_saturday_night_live | And now, here with some concert reviews, once again, our rock and roll guy responded, Gil Graham. Thank you. Well, this fall's concert menu is jam-packed with rock and roll, so let's take a bite. October 11th Mtv Studios, you need cooling, baby. I'm not fooling, that's right, Led Zepp reunites. I guess it was the 99th call at our Wro case led Zepp ticket giveaway. I was just getting used to the comforts of the Backstage Performers lounge when legendary Zeppelin Road manager, Peter Mad Dog Rudge, apparently thought my third free Mountain Dew was one too many. he decided to emphasize his point by giving me an old-school ass-kicking. the man dragged me by my jaw into a nearby stairwell. Unfortunately, this stairway did not lead to heaven, but rather to the most painful 10 minutes of my life. the walls were reverberating with the relentless mule kicks of a 50-year-old English lunatic, along with the majestic opening licks of cashmere. when they rolled me out onto 57th Street, I couldn't help but think, Zepp, it's been a long time since you rock and rolled, but it was worth the wait.
Next stop, October 17th Nassau Coliseum. The granddaddy's a grand Sound Garden, ready to crank it up. I did not attend this concert. I had front row tickets, but my mother threw them out. she thought they were drugs. Catch you next year, Sound Garden. November 11th Radio City Music Hall, the concert event of the year.
The Christmas Spectacular. The matinee audience was mostly families and thus, a little afraid to rock. but the hypnotic rhythms of the kettle drums backing up the rockheads had me standing on my chair and screaming for Santa. I was in such a trance-like state, I didn't realize I was disrupting Snow White's performance. you know, there are seven dwarves, but apparently that day, all of them were grumpy. they pounded me viciously in front of several thousand people for an inappropriate amount of time. one would think that their tiny fish would have little effect. but their combined impact was similar to that of a severe hail storm. their underdeveloped hands reached into places I didn't think were possible. causing momentary pleasure, then unspeakable pain. It ended up turning into a very special experience. when the dwarves invited some underprivileged children down from the balcony to use me as a human spittoon. All in all, the Radio City Christmas show was a rock and rollers' wet dream.
Back to you, Norman. in the words of Kiss, I want to rock and roll all night and party every day. Kill Graham, ladies and gentlemen. |
TheOnion | Pop_Star_Janna_Hayspice_Confronts_Rumors_That_She_Is_Really_Just_A_Writhing_Sentient_Mass_Of_Voles | Janna Hayspice. We knew her first as America's sweetheart playing Cadet Braylon in the Disney Channel's Camp Blast Off. Then she hit the top of the charts with her album, Full Grown. But most recently, we've had to watch her publicly unravel as it becomes clear that she is in fact a horrifying, writhing mass of voles.
How are you today, Janna? Wake up and rest today and have lunch.
I'm great, it's great. It must have been hard being in the spotlight. It was so normal. I studied school, I went out for burger dinners. I had a mega regular time as a growing child. I'm dating Dave Franco.
The past year has been tumultuous for Janna, marked by the tragic loss of her mother, Martha Hayspice, a strong presence in her life. You two were very close. She raised me, but also we were friends. She taught me how to eat. I remember her every hour. She got hit by a car.
That led to a dark period for Janna. She started showing up to set as a group of loose voles, not speaking coherent English, just making shrieking vole sounds. Tell me, Janna, tell America. Are you made of voles? Colonel, I am not voles, I'm a huge star. Janna, please. Look, I drink sports cars, I am voles.
I'm going to hold up this small heap of grasses and seeds. Do you have any reaction? I don't eat grasses. Do you want to subsist on this? I eat turkey dinners and watermelon candies.
Janna, I'm sorry to have to do this, but we have an owl here. You are a hater. We are going to bring the owl in here so you can finally get peace, get closure. Do not abuse me. I am a maimed flab, I'm a blind hero. I am not voles, I'm Dr. Devolver. I killed the monster. Good night. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Miss_Double_Bay_Live_From_SXSW_Sydney | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and Effie Bateman, our culture editor, my co-host for what was a series of live panel interviews that we did at South by Southwest Sydney. Over a week ago now, we were down there in the Steak and Kidney interviewing an array of guests and our first one off the ranks is a rather interesting guest, someone we could have only interviewed in Sydney. What did you think? Oh, it was just fascinating talking to who might be one of the most influential figures in Sydney.
Miss Double Bae. Miss Double Bae, her name is.
Yes, she's a influencer. We were able to interrogate the ins and outs of that industry, industry that is obviously eroding at our industry as mainstream media. But you know, there were a lot of questions we had about aesthetics and grids and. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be being an influencer.
I feel like I've learned a lot and I respect them a lot more now. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of respect there.
Now it's also a Q&A that we did with a live crowd. It was a room of about 50 people and that was kind of the room we had at South by Southwest Sydney. We were doing daily wrap ups. So yeah, we speak a little bit a little bit about the tutor advocate, about ourselves, our history as journalists. And before we interview Miss Double Bae, the Instagram and TikTok influencer extraordinaire followed me again by Q&A with the audience asking us both old media and new media, Miss Double Bae, all the questions they had to ask about the work that we all do.
Enjoy. Hello.
Thank you for joining us here today at the tutor advocates daily wrap up. It's been a rather fluid event, kind of pick our guesses as we go. In yesterday's crowd, we had Jeff Fatt of the Wiggles Fane, wake up Jeff. And he said he'd come on. And then he sent us at six o'clock this morning, sent us a message saying I have made millions and millions of dollars playing in sold out stadiums. I don't think I need to really promote myself anymore. So we said, thanks, Jeff, we'll keep working on you. But for now, you've just got us as media tycoons from the tutor advocate.
I just want to say is everyone enjoying themselves here? I just want to ask that first. That's very impressive.
There must be a few foreigners here because it's not a very Sydney thing to act like you're enjoying what's happening in the city. This is the city that never sleeps between about 9 a.m. and 10 p.m., you might have noticed. There are people during the day when we're down here, but things like South by Southwest are opening the city back up. And I'm going to drink this throughout the show because I couldn't find a bar that wasn't some sort of brand activation in the pouring rain.
We should introduce ourselves. My name is Clancy Overill. You might have read some of our work on the tutor advocate. I'm the fourth, arguably fifth generation editor of the tutor advocate.
Got a storied career. My family had been involved in media for many years. My father was an editor. I started off as an intern, like many people used to do back in the day, before we professionalized media. You could just find a local alcoholic that was willing to let you ride along. I did that. It was my uncle. And I kind of worked my way up to sports editor role, but I still had a passion in me to play football. And I was looking towards a professional career in rugby league, but unfortunately suffered a shocking tib and fib compound fracture.
Stop lying.
It was gout. Only good blokes get gout. It was a compound fracture and gout.
I wasn't eating many cherries back then. I ended up having to give up my dreams of football, but from there I went on the road with the boxing troupe. I don't know if anyone from out of town or down south would know. Queensland to this day still had boxing troupes with the drum where they put up a tent in regional towns during the rodeo or the races and they asked locals to step right up and fight a number of men in the, in the boxing tent. I was one of them. I was dancing Clancy overall. And I did about 10 years on the road with Jimmy Sherman's boxing tent, obviously had to get out of there. That doesn't last forever.
So I ended up working as a media advisor for the national party in Queensland under the Sergio Bialki Peterson government. And I was hired within the political system in that corrugated iron curtain that we had in Queensland in the 1980s. I was hired because they liked my experience. I had the media stripes, but it also spent 10 years suffering concussions and drinking too much. So I was perfect for politics in Queensland. And then I basically, you know, as I said, it was generational, got back to the Batutah advocate as a young man, just sat there floating around the office until my dad retired and I took his job like as we do in Australian media.
So it was, it was before the term Nepo baby, but it was more of a, it was more of an expectation that I'd stick around long enough to learn how the thing goes. And we very nearly died. The Batutah advocate, Australia's oldest newspaper, we struggled, but luckily we had some young minds in the room who were speaking way out of school by suggesting we go online. But we eventually relented to some of their ideas. And, you know, now we've got a relationship bigger than the AFR.
Thank you to the, you know, the smart aleck young people that decided to tell me how to run a newspaper. I'm glad I listened and I'll let Effie Bateman introduce herself. Hi, Effie Bateman, lifestyle and entertainment reporter at the Batutah advocate.
I think I've been working for you four years now. So I was a bit down on my luck and I was, I think you found me sleeping in the back of a ute under a piece of tarp. It had been a Jim Carner the day before. Yeah, but he was very kind and he offered me a job and unfortunately, Wendell, who's not here at the moment, he's been interning for a long time, but, you know, modern ways.
I kind of surpass him very quickly, still interning, but women's rights 2023. Yeah, and cream rises to the top, of course, in in this era. Exactly. You were going to rise faster than him. And he's not that bright. The kid like he does. All right. But she's obviously smarter. So she's he's now a subordinate despite being 10 years older than you.
But this is just media. You know, we we run a ragtag operation and we do well, we do well enough. I want to talk today, though, about a different type of media. We're the old newspaper model. We've made a semi successful transition online. We've had a lot of fun doing it.
You know, we have dreams of being bigger, maybe, maybe bureaus. Remember that when newspapers had bureaus and they'd have journalists in different parts of the world, even different cities. We'd have to do that one day. We think of Tenafield would be a good place or maybe Tamworth for the Tutorabi Bureau, Coffs Harbour. Then we'd look to go overseas. I reckon Port Moresby, Hobart, Istanbul, kind of just build a bigger kind of brand for ourselves and and become authorities in in a way that you would expect from the Fourth Estate, from an established Australian newspaper.
We wanted to get into a position where we decide who wins elections, who wins wars. We wanted to decide who wins referendums, which, as you might have noticed, we lost last weekend. Our agenda was a little bit off with the mainstream, but we want to get to that position where we have full kind of almost like a puppeteering level of power over Parliament House. We can push our own agenda and we can effectively not pay tax. We can get, you know, the dream would be to get the eight hundred and ninety million dollar rebate that Rupert Murdoch got off Tony Abbott. That was close to a B that our government gave an American media company.
But we're not at that level yet. So we need to learn, we need to learn new things. And today's guest is actually a very special guest, one that we could only ever hope to meet at South by Southwest, who is an expert in what you'd call content creation influencer.
She's an influencer. You might follow her. You might live by her rules. You might copy her aesthetic. You might buy the things she tells you to buy.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Miss Double Bay. We had a very excited gaffe. I heard gaffe.
Well guess what? We're going to throw to a Q&A a bit later. You can ask any questions you want about, within reason, about old media or new media, whatever you want to do.
But right now we're the ones asking questions, Miss Double Bay. So first of all, can you explain to us, any readers who might not be from this open-air sewer that is Sydney, what Double Bay is? That is a million-dollar question, because it means the average medium house price is a lot more than that.
Look, it's an urban jungle, home to some very native species. Wines. Well, I don't know if you call it wines, real estate agents, maybe. I guess maybe to put it in lame terms, I would say it's the Rodeo Drive of Sydney. The Chelsea.
It's just, it's where the one percenters are. You mean one percenters in terms of, the people we were talking about earlier, the ones we are aiming to hope to be one day, in terms of economic one percenters or cultural capital? Probably a little bit of both. Yeah. Also, I mean, it's also home to a lot of people who also want to be the one percenters, but might not actually.
Aspirational. Very aspirational.
Like us.
A lot of characters there. Would Posh and Bex fit in there?
One hundred percent. Okay. So we're talking, yeah, okay, we understand that demographic.
I have heard Double Bay described as double pay. Or Double Bay double pay, yes.
It's a bit steeper? Yeah. Oh yeah. Coffee there is probably $8.50. It's not referring to But that's, if you want, that's my order, which is an ice long black with a dash of oat milk. Okay. So the ice itself is like $3. It's a bit taller too.
So it's not referring to two working parents having to bring a double income in to survive? No, no, no. Okay. There's not many double income households in Double Bay. No, no, no. There's a lot of housewives there.
Yeah. Oh, okay. The dream. I know. So I want to The Australian dream.
I mean I've studied, I'm a student of the history of this country and one thing someone always told me when it comes to Sydney is the North Shore and the Northern Beaches are the professionals, the judges and the whatevers. Are they though? Well then this is what I learnt from the textbooks, you know, that adhered to a mythology that we believe in ourselves. There's also, so there's the North Shore are the professionals and you get the kind of people that, you know, in the scheme of things they're salary men. They work for someone but they're, you know, they're paid well.
And then in the Eastern Suburbs you kind of have the more entrepreneurial business, small business turned big business turned generation of wealth which I think back in the day was a polite way of saying the North Shore was all the Protestants and then the East was all the Jews and Catholics but what we found is in the middle of this city where we are today is that people are largely godless including all of you who came to a consumer advocate live show at South by Southwest. What would you describe Double Bay as? Is it a city of sin? Is it godless or are there people, are there wholesome people? It depends where you go in Double Bay. Okay. I don't know, has anyone here been out in Double Bay? Mississippi I would say it's quite sinful.
This guy's giving it like a year. Bedwind.
But then you've got some, you know, some better people maybe at Indigo, it all depends. It's diverse. It's diverse? Okay. Well it depends what you define as diverse.
Let's interrogate that work. Okay I've got a question as someone who, you know, is considering maybe a different career, what is like their everyday routine of an influencer? Yes okay well everyone thinks that we have it quite easy but we actually don't and at the moment it's actually very hard for me because I'm also planning a wedding. So that obviously I have a wedding planner who's helping me out but still very very stressful so on top of that then what do we want like a day-to-day? Yeah I wish a day-to-day routine. Okay okay so I'll wake up obviously, yes we got a little pilates session.
Which is very hard if anyone's ever done pilates. Very hard. A lot harder than you think.
Followed by a matcha, nature's coffee, then we've got emails obviously, very important. What else do I do? Oh shooting content, which is probably one of the most important things of being an influencer.
So I usually like to drive around, I do some manies around the eastern suburbs and I like to find just like a really nice aesthetic wall. What if you don't find a wall? How do you? Well there's an app now, so I go on the app and I find different, it's kind of like a Google Maps but for walls.
Yeah yeah yeah it's really good. Does it show you where all the angel wing murals are? Yeah but you don't want to go to the hotspots because there's a bunch of other influences there as well so you really want to find like the niche ones that no one's really heard of. There's the dick one in Darlinghurst where it's angel wings but it's all cocks. Is that still there?
Yeah it caused a lot of uproar actually. Yeah it did, it got graffitied.
No I haven't been to that one. You should go to that one next. Depends what brand you're promoting really. And I haven't yet been paid by a brand that would like me to take a photo in front of that wall. In front of the cock wings.
Okay so you're creating content, that's the word by the way, when you hear the word creating that's what they mean, like taking photographs of walls in the street. So with that I want to talk about the different aesthetics that exist in this world. I mean Instagram was not made for people to post anything other than beautiful pictures. That's what it was when it started, it was for artists and for amateur photographers. Now it's got like depraved memes where Elbows wearing a Joseph Stalin outfit and you know it's like effectively there's a lot of propaganda and all kinds of crazy stuff. A lot of funny stuff too but it was it's an aesthetic thing. That's what originally worked and people mapped out their you know their social media footprint they make sure.
The grid, that's what we call it. The grid.
Yeah. They match out there, they make sure the photos aren't clashing or. Yeah yeah. There's a palette? Okay.
So some people are very obsessed with the the grid so it's when you go to someone's profile and you look at their grid. But so much so where you know friendships are lost over the grid.
Okay. For example I had a friend, obviously wasn't me, she wanted me to upload a photo of her so you know she could get some more followers. Okay. And then I didn't like the way that she looked on my grid so obviously a couple days after. You gave her that initial. I archived her right? Yeah. Which is when you.
Erase them from your life. You erase them from your grid.
Well obviously she didn't like that and she took that you know personally which I mean you know don't know why.
Yeah. It was all business baby.
And it was all business so she just didn't match with my so I really like to cut people who don't match my grid. Who else do you have to cut out of your life as an influencer? Well look I've had a couple toxic people I've had to cut out in my life.
What makes them toxic? So look the general rule is under 10k.
Get rid of them.
Okay. Yeah. Well I mean as my grandfather says you know you sleep with dogs you get up with fleas right? Yeah. Well you know they're not helping me out at the end. No. They're leaching off me. Yeah for sure. So.
So your aesthetic I want to talk about this you're obviously not the same as the mainland Chinese girls I see in Kirribilli posing with the jacaranda trees which is definitely like an aesthetic and people travel the world for it. Are you like an exposed brick kind of like hair over face thing or are you more like active wear? Well I more like to make it look like I don't know the photos being taken.
Nice. So it's like. Okay. I like the ones where they're laughing it's like. Yeah.
So that takes a lot of years practice. It's hard. And you know it's actually it's a lot harder these days because now we got the tiki talk.
Yeah. We got I was about to say Snapchat but. They tried to do Be Real and it's like no. Snapchat's mostly just for people having affairs right like. I thought it was for drug dealers. And them yeah. I thought it was. How the hell do you know that? Anyway.
But I do want to ask about the marketing aspect of it. I mean obviously there's some people in this audience that might not have ever heard the term influencer though you've heard it if you work in advertising you'd see the line items lots of money going to these people we want to figure out how they justify that and what do you give them?
Well exposure. Exposure. Which is the main thing.
Yeah. And influence like a lot of people you know they want to be me right. Yeah. Aspirational. Yeah straight up. Yeah. So if I say hey buy this t-shirt for four hundred and fifty dollars and you can be like me. Yeah. Use at promo code hash tag me stubble bay for ten percent off right.
It's how could you not. It's a no brainer.
So they go looking for you. Yes. Or they go looking for someone like you. Yes.
Well usually you have a manager. Okay. If you're any good I would say you have a manager. And they usually you know the manager does a deal.
But yeah I would say well look we are a brand at the end of the day. You know unless we're on a database. Yeah for sure. They track us.
Well they'll never catch me because I'm a non enrolled voter and I don't pay tax. Have you ever had so I've seen things in the news where somebody an influencer will go to a restaurant like hey if you feed me for free I'll give you exposure and then the restaurant owner will take to the news dot com be like this silly person came and tried to get free food and everyone will think you know it's so stupid but have you had any interactions like that where they haven't seen the opportunity that you're giving them? I don't.
Who was it? Matt Moran? Who was it?
Well look it's also the thing with influencers is the audacity. We have the audacity.
And also we're quite used to just having everything for free. So when we go anywhere and do anything it should be free right? Yeah for sure.
So I you know I say why not give me a free meal because I will do one Instagram story tag you with the caption YUM with the burrata expo and booked out. Got to have the love heart emoji eyes as well yeah. Best hashtag best restaurant. So what happens when you meet someone you meet your maker when you meet a chef who's got far more social influence not many people do mind you but there would be people that probably have a little bit more following and they don't think that they need you do you have to then to come back with like a multi-layered proposal?
Well I think it's just being strategic right like maybe don't go for the restaurants that you know. Okay go for the povo chefs. Go for the you know the mom and dad's restaurants yeah yeah the ones that actually can't afford to pay for it. Well no not like first of all they really can't afford to say no to you that's what you're looking for. They're desperate you've got to sniff out the desperate ones. Basically exploit a free meal out of working people.
I also want now that we know the business aspect of influencing I want to talk about the reason these people gasp when you walk in the room you obviously speak to an entire generation of woo girls. Can you tell us a little bit about the icks that you've made it you made you really popped off with the icks. Can you first of all explain to the people over 32 and a half what ick means? I see this is the thing it's a hard one to it's just a feeling I feel like everyone here has gotten an ick before whether it's from a guy or a girl or just like a cringy situation that just makes you shrivel. Like when they lean over and grab something if you played on the first date? Yeah see to me I don't find that an ick but to you it obviously is. I got the ick from you the other day because you leant over and I saw your bum crack. See that's an ick. I mean isn't a functional office is where everyone has an ick for one another that's a good workplace. Yeah I think it's more it may it's obviously a bit more elevated when it's you know the opposite sex especially if you're in the you know initial stages of dating. Number one icks. Why don't we toss it around to the crowd and get some icks from them. What's your ick?
Stained teeth.
Ooh. Yep. Nicotine or red wine? Which one's the worst? Yeah. I think we can be a bit more trivial than that.
Tiny hands. See there we go tiny hands.
I like that's a good one. Yeah. Anyone up the back with any specific icks? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah I'm on board with that. Yeah.
Yours is didn't you say when guys say froth? Froth. On froth in a beer. Let's go.
Milk drinking milk. Drinking milk? Or like a full glass of milk I'm sorry but that's fucked up.
I do not envy these blokes in Sydney that's for sure. It's a minefield out there. Now we're going to throw it to the crowd today for some for a Q&A effectively you can ask us about old media or new media you can ask us about the Batutah Advocate our story of history some of the stories we've written over the years the different politicians we've interviewed and we'll say there's no cameras in here so we'll just say whatever the fuck you want to hear.
I also have a promo card if anyone wants to ask me about that. And she's also what else are you selling you got water bottles or some shit? Um yeah that's pretty much it. Yeah water bottles. And myself obviously. Yeah yeah for sure. I mean that's the aim of the game selling yourself.
I wouldn't mind one of those like they look like horror movie face masks. Or the LED ones. Well those are scary too but just that wet cloth that people wear on their faces scares the shit out of me. The LED lights right?
Yeah. Or are you thinking of something else? No what's the just the face mask the paper. You can literally get them from Kmart for five dollars. Terrifying stuff. Um is there any questions about the state of the media today? We'll answer it for you. I obviously revealed to you about tax fraud at the high level of Australian media. Um if there's anything else. Oh we've got one up here. On the uh Betuda Advocate Presents series when you open the credits there's a bunch of files.
I'm keen to know what the Barossa Nazis are. Well we have a complicated history in this country. I think we all know that. We know that there was a large German population living in that particular region of uh South Australia. We know that Adam Bant whose family's from South Australia has a German last name. I'm not at all insinuating that he's a Nazi but I I am insinuating that there's a lot of German heritage in this country that stems from that part of the world. You know what you don't know because we don't really tell the history of this country very well because we basically have a mythology of basically crocodile don't need Paul Hogan that's the only two people that have ever existed in Australian history. But there was a time when the Barossa people had their own culture in their own language similar to that of the Afrikaans in South Africa and they had their own Creole which there's still people today that were first like their first language was Barossa Douche. So of course when you live in an isolated German community and there's crazy shit happening back home you kind of want to get back in on it in the 1940s. So that's that was basically the Barossa Nazis.
We haven't done that one. We've covered a few things obviously on the Batutah Presents but yeah I'd like to cause a lot of shame for a lot of rural families in South Australia trying to forget that part of the history but that is yeah that is it's a fact I'm sorry. Has there ever been an article that has swayed public opinion about something? Have you ever like felt the seed of power before with something you've published? It's hard to judge that. We felt it certainly felt it during the pandemic when we kind of well we're running some unpopular angles.
I mean there was one particular moment where there were all these people from Western Sydney who were basically you know I'm not sure if you know much about the Sydney but they have this thing called the Red Rooster Line. Red Roosters run diagonally across this city on one side of the eastern suburbs and the other side of the western suburbs. You won't find any Red Roosters in Coogee or Bondi. They run down Cogra kind of horns a bit of Cogra right and it became very evident to everyone that everyone on the western side of the Red Rooster Line was in lockdown and all the important people the judges and the media on the eastern side of the Red Rooster Line weren't in lockdown and then eventually you know they blew up on the on the west side of it and they marched through the city they were derided as anti-vaxxers and they're spreading their virus into the city what are you doing in here get out there you guys are bogans you're eating misinformation you're fucking despicable unwashed pigs get out of here that was basically the sentiment we we went we kind of cheered them on a little bit we said fucking stick it to them and we got absolutely roasted for that so I don't know if that was if we don't know if that's a metric of saying the quiet bit loud kind of might change some public opinion but you'll always get piled on if you're saying something that's unpopular but we are sadistic in the sense of we'll just double down the next day and then triple down the next day because it's fun it's a sport but I don't know I think maybe early days with Tony Abbott's indigenous envoy role we might have been able to take the mickey out of him a little bit in a way that what wouldn't have been possible if we hadn't turned him into an elder and nicknamed him Uncle Tony but we don't it's hard to measure you know I mean I don't know I don't know if we would have a we've got a big audience but it's quite spread across you know different demographics and all around the country you know we our audiences basically followed the population of the country and I don't know if we have enough concentrated readers in one area to sway a political result if you know I mean in our system anyway certainly had no luck in the referendum by the way we're not trying to do that that's not we will be able to do that when we get to a point where we we're not in a position to do that yeah once we you know start having those meetings in Canberra getting those tax abatements will do it and it's it's all over all of you because there'll be no class solidarity there'll be nothing will be you'll be turning on each other and there'll be a different enemy every month do people actually tip you off with stories do you get inside tips and people writing in specifically wanting you guys to do a write-up yeah we do get tip-offs we get kind of I guess you know anyone does but you certainly get it's always someone in a pub and I guess that's how it's always been with media and that's why traditionally journalists have been such bad alcoholics because the art is to get inside a pub and convince someone to tell you a secret but nowadays with social media they'll just do it themselves I'll get pissed and messaged you so we do we don't have to do this that much miss double bay any questions for her um tell me about the wedding did you get that all paid for um no so there's a bit of a story with the ring the old-fashioned thing of just finding a guy in finance so that worked out well for me um look fine line between doing a sponsored wedding I would say uh it could go one way or the other but I am in talks with afrospritz so we're hoping for you know a sunkissed kind of wedding situation so stay tuned and I'll also call daily mail and make sure that they get them in the trees get them in the trees I don't know why they they you know how they got there but um justin hams you could kind of lean on him for a bit of a wedding venue in naruma is that his new spot cool maybe we could get some toddies catering can you tell the story about the engagement are you happy to do that wait what what what how he he proposed to you organically and he hadn't had a manicure oh yeah that was horrendous I know he was so committed to surprising her with a ring that she couldn't post her hand on well this is the worst thing he proposed to me with just like a placement band it didn't even have any sparkly little diamonds on it and you know we had to take the photo um so I obviously waited till I got the ring and then we went and you know staged the whole thing again um yeah so it was really special yeah it was really special yeah anyone else have a question about the dark arts of influencing I've got a quick one I'm um double bay adjacent but definitely not a one percenter oh Bellevue Hill so um nice oh the working class the working class I just wanted to ask the media is traditionally obsessed with youth and quite critical of aging influences as I see them anyway are typically quite young beautiful have you given any thought to how the art of influencing will age uh well there's definitely a trend at the moment of seeing influences kind of going out without makeup um for example Pamela Anderson just did something at fashion week where she won't make up free but there's a spectrum right and today with you know face tune and everything and AI you you don't really even know if what you're looking at is real um so I don't know it's a bit scary I would say you've seen it mate you've seen the softball pornography turn into mummy blogging it does I mean we follow them on that journey um and who knows we'll see them soon they'll be renovating houses you know you kind of get to follow them through life but um well there is there's a um you know circle of life to influencing and it starts you get them hooked when you're young and you're hot yeah and then you you take them all the way through to kids um you know and then start a business start a business baby swaddles or clothing company at home yeah yeah that's always works it's the world's your oyster and the case in the case in file is that we've obviously all watched the Netflix documentary on Beckham is posh like everyone's all the men that fell in love with her on Ralph magazine are still in love with her to this day and uh she's kept them on that journey with the hooks of you know her seductress kind of uh not smiling not smiling and uh asymmetrical haircuts she's had us the whole time yeah would you say the same for bex has he kept well he's had a lot of work yeah he couldn't move his face he's talking about a lot of shit um i don't know i think it's different right um i feel like there's more of men obsessed with beckon david beckon than there are with posh i would say um i don't i know football fans are a bit weird i was thinking that watching that show that there was the merging of such huge cultural kind of forces in in sport and the biggest pop star in the world the biggest pop band in the world and he was the biggest sports star in the world they might have been the first the first influences yeah before kim and kanye they were probably the original kim and kanye minus the yeah well minus all the chaos i mean kim's been married a few times but that also another tip get married to a new guy and you can kind of pull a bit from his kind of clout so you get different audiences like the kardashians will bounce between rappers and footballers and then occasionally like businessmen yeah they're not far off like the jackie onassis greek shipping magnate you know what i mean um but i guess that's how you build a as a professional socialite um yeah well it's not about what you know it's about who you are you got a finance guy right you do yeah he won't let me post about him though which is so unfortunate so we've got to talk about ai are you ever going to take a photo of yourself again or are you going to leave it down to leave it down to ai to do your job for you oh that's a tough one well i actually just saw that uh meta ai thing with kendall jenner i don't know if anyone's seen that where she's pretty much sold her soul for two years and they've made an ai copy of her so if someone you know presents me with that same offer i would be more than happy to do that that would have been in the high hundred millions right yeah yeah the world got itself in a hurry that should be the motto of south by southwest sydney the world got itself in a hurry thank you everyone for joining us thank you miss double bay thank you and thank you epi bateman well he's had a lot of work his face he's talking about all that um i don't know i think it's different right um i feel like there's more men obsessed with beckon david beckon than there are with posh i would say um i don't i know football fans are a bit weird did you say i i was thinking that watching that show that there was the merging of such huge cultural kind of forces in in sport and the biggest pop star in the world the biggest pop band in the world and he was the biggest sports star in the world they might have been the first the first influences yeah before kim and kanye they were probably the original kim and kanye minus the yeah well minus all the chaos i mean kim's been married a few times but that also another tip get married to a new guy and you can kind of pull a bit from his kind of clout so you get different audiences like the kardashians will bounce between rappers and footballers and then occasionally like businessmen yeah they're not far off like the jackie onassis greek shipping magnate you know what i mean um but i guess i'll tell you build a as a professional socialite um yeah well it's not about what you know it's about who you are you're a finance guy right you do yeah he won't let me post about him though which is so unfortunate so we've got to talk about ai are you ever going to take a photo of yourself again are you going to leave it down to leave it down to ai to do your job for you oh that's a tough one well i actually just saw that uh meta ai thing with kendall jenner i don't know if anyone's seen that where she's pretty much sold her soul for two years and they've made an ai copy of her so if someone you know presents me with that same offer i would be more than happy to do that that would have been in the high hundred millions right yeah yeah the world got itself in a hurry that should be the motto of south by southwest sydney the world got itself in a hurry thank you everyone for joining us thank you miss double bay thank you and thank you epi bateman |
dropout | come_watch_this_internet_video_hardly_working | Guys, come here, come here, you have to see this. Yeah, you know, maybe later because I'm doing this thing right now. Get up and walk to my computer. This is a once in a lifetime web-based internet viral meme sensation. Come on. Oh my god. I got it all queued up, I got it all queued up. I wish that I could be you so that I could see this again for the first time. I'm serious. Okay. Here we go. Ugh, buffering. Okay, not ideal, but it's worth it. They are going to love this video. And by association, me. You guys are going to cry at laughing, 100% for actual. Alright, let's do this.
Office hero in 3, 2, 1.
On edge. Shit. Just wait it out. Be strong.
It's only 15 seconds. Just add one of four?
Are you kidding me? You guys are going to flip your lids. I'm serious. Especially Pat, you're going to flip your lid just right up on out of here.
They trusted me. They gave me their trust. And with every passing second, that trust falls away like the petals of a goddamn dandelion.
Just one more minute, guys. Fellas. Fellers.
No, seriously, I know you have a word to do, but this thing is a doozy, so. Relax girl, when you're sweating, you show one shred of weakness, they'll pounce on you and rip you to pieces like a GD grizzly bear. Good things come to those who wait, right? Shoot time, motherfucker! Okay, I'll just refresh the page. That usually works.
You're losing them, girl witch. You fucked up big time.
You invited people to a party with no beer and no music.
If this doesn't start working right now, they're going to walk away and then fat chance being king of office juggles. Okay. Okay, it's working. Let's just give it a second to load. You know, I don't want it to stop playing like right when it gets to the really funny part.
Well, you did it again, girl witch. You shit in your hand and slapped yourself in the face. This is why Janice left you. You're a simpering little red-headed fuckwit elf and you disappoint people. That's what you do. You call for the ball and then you fumble it. You lip-dicked walking apology of a human glitch.
Hey, there it goes. Come here, come here, come here, watch this. Ready? One, two, three.
Off. Oh my God. Is yes, is, is, you know, is not doing it for you, huh?
Oh, kyokey are the chokies. La tussia you on my own-ishony.
Hey, there it goes. Come here, come here, come here, watch this.
Three! Oof! Hahahaha!
You know, it's not doing it for ya, huh?
Okey dokey, artichoke! Latoshi on my own-ishine! |
SaturdayNightLive | january_11th_celebration_snl | Right, hey everybody, we're live on 50th and 5th Avenue. this is New York City and it's 15 degrees, but that kind of cold hasn't happened to spirits here, these people, as we're about to ring in January 11th. yes, it's just less than a minute away and we're having such an awfully good time here. The spirit is absolutely unbelievable. let's see if we can talk to some of these people and find out how about the whole household goods have been able to clean out the kitchen before this big holiday? Oh, I cleaned it really well. you're doing pretty good enough for you. let's see some more of these people in here. Maybe, Rich, come here, here's the guy. this guy has been standing here for five hours waiting for this big moment. tell us about, what about the, have you strung up any of the little kittens by their tails? No, but I'm trying to get a date with Barbara Streisand. Oh, get them out of here, get them out of here. You can see, ladies and gentlemen, that the bedlam is just maddening here.
That's right, we're in New York City, we're about to celebrate the big holiday. Okay, let's see if we can get some of these. this man, this man over here, came in all the way from Boston, Massachusetts just to celebrate the big Holiday here in New York City. heck of a drive today, wasn't it? the last night, it sure is. How often did you come down here to New York to celebrate the 11th? Only once a year. once a year, All right, Well, welcome back. you brought your wife with you.
I'll wait in this office. Okay, well, maybe I'll see you later in my dressing room, Okay, all right, thank you.
Okay, well, the crowd is just about out of control here, the excitement is absolutely maddening. we're all getting ready for that big countdown to January 11th. you can see it, the festivities have already been burnt down. Eight, seven, six, five, Four, Three, Two, one. Half, five, six, five, Six, Five, Seven, Eight, seven, eight. Welcome back to the studio for the night. |
SaturdayNightLive | grimace_snl | Wow, it's so great. Mcdonald's is getting in the gang back together for a new ad campaign. Totally. this is gonna be so fun.
Hey, has anyone seen Grimace? Oh, no, but fine. Oh him, he's snarfing down a couple pregame burgers. Probably more than a couple. Hi everyone, what the hey fellas, how are we?
Oh my god, did you lose 300 pounds this summer? Yeah man, you you look incredible. I had no idea. I lost 300 pounds. it got totally yoked up. Okay, so then how how did you drop three hundo and get stacked to the heavens? Well, I started walking to work, drank a lot of water, and oh, I also stopped eating Mcdonald's for every meal.
Well, I'm happy for you. Paula must be thrilled. Oh, well, yes, she's happy for me.
But yeah, we got divorced. Well, I got this new body and look, I hate to say it fellas, but I was swerving this summer. swerving. What's swerving, Cheating constantly on my wife?
Cool. Uh, so look, maybe we shoot that commercial. Yeah, absolutely, man, it's your world. It's been a long summer of self-discovery and I just want you to know if you do the work and dig really deep, I promise you would find some surprises. Anyway, let's do this brother. I'm excited. Okay. great. everyone ready? Action!
I want to steal your hamburgers. I want to give the whole world a happy meal.
And I, well, I'm a bisexual man. Wow. felt really good to say that grimace your bisexual yeah, I like both.
This summer. I realized that I was getting off a plane and when I said bye to the flight of tendons, one of them shook my hand and kissed it and I realized I like both. Okay, congrats, Grimace. And I'd like to say that I'm By in the commercial. It's really important to me and I don't even really eat Mcdonald's anymore. Yeah, well, let me think about that.
Hey, if you're happy, we're happy. Happy. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I think I am happy guys.
I have some pretty big news. I'm bisexual. Yeah, you said that already. Well, it's just liberating to let go of a secret, but I guess you guys wouldn't understand. Well, I got a secret. Oh my God here. Mccheese.
I forgot you were there. You literally haven't said a thing since we've been here.
Well, the thing is, I ain't always have a cheeseburger for hair see. When I was a young man, I was actually a human prince. One day I went to Mcdonald's outside on the street.
Man was the ugliest woman I ever seen. She was busted, shawty had bumps on her nose asking me to buy her a burger. Anyway, long story short. I threw a bunch of brand-new burgers in the trash. Next thing you know, man, she zapped me. that's how I got this cheeseburger head.
Also, I'm bisexual. I like both. Hell yeah, we're by too. Ronald. How about you horse you buy? Sure, I'm by buying a peloton so I can start swerving like grimace. I'm loving both. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_pimp_my_ride_snl | That he's afraid of the stairs. uh-huh, And so- hey, janitor guy! you're three hours late, man!
I'm sorry, my dear. my car broke down. it's too expensive. Oh, your car broke down? Oh no, that makes me sad.
Not! let's go! I got trash to empty out. Oh My. God. poor Sergei. it's just not fair, man. that dude works harder than anyone here and his car is busted. I think I know how we can help. Sergei! wait, don't get on that bus. But I have to go home. Well, wouldn't you rather drive? No. we saw you were struggling and it just wasn't right. Thank you.
So we teamed up with the crew over at West Coast Customs to pimp your ride. So you wanna be a player, but your wheels ain't fly. What have you done? Now, Sergei, I'll be the first to admit, we don't know much about you, but we do know you're our janitor, which is why we turned your van into a fully customized trash wagon. a fresh paint job, new decals, and a custom vanity plate. the cleaning is just a joke. huh? the cleaning is-. Since we know Sergei is the king of clean, we replaced his front bumper with a Swiffer wet Jet. we also tricked this thing out with three Lcd monitors, two subwoofers, and cause we heard you like cooking Borscht, check out the center console. ow. we put in a crock-pot. we know how much you love driving around your big ass family, but they're gonna have to find a new ride cause we replaced their seats with a bunch of mop buckets. for what purpose? Sergei, We also got a very special message from the goat of pimp. my ride himself, exhibit.
What's up guys, Exhibit here. just wanted to let you know, whatever you do, Do Not Drive That f***ing car. Oh, turn that off.
So this one was hard, but we heard you were going to college at night. we know tuition isn't cheap. So we made a couple of calls. we turned your side view mirror into a Dvd player.
Oh! What the f***? Sergei, what's wrong, man? do you not like the trash wagon? this is different drive. brother, you tell me. Sergei survived the explosion and successfully sued Ben, Martin, John, and Exhibit for $50 million. I associate it with any of this s***. |
SaturdayNightLive | trump_courthouse_cold_open_snl | My name is Alina Habba. I'm the attorney for President Trump in the second defamation trial of E. Jean Carroll. the judge has been very unfair from the beginning, and I want to make this perfectly clear. I am new at this, and I am learning. Now, the President may or may not stop for brief remarks, but due to a strict gag order, he will not be commenting on anything pertaining to this case, Ms. Carroll, or the judge. Oh, I think he's coming now. Oh, well, thank you, Alina. you're great on Tv. maybe the worst lawyer I've ever had, which is quite an accomplishment. Look at this team. this is the bottom of the barrel, folks. this is who said yes. I'm in the lead for President, and this is the best I can get. feels like a red flag, no? Well, you're not getting paid, by the way. you know that, of course you do. All right. thank you. thank you, guys. we'll see you at Shaky's. you can get out of here. Uh, but we are here at Courthouse, and, yes, we will be abiding by this horrible gag order, so I will not be saying that the judge is an idiot or where he lives or what kind of crappy car he drives. I didn't know they still made Wagoneers, but, um, it's a terrible time for our country. I am standing weirder than ever. arms like a Gi Joe. legs like the smooth criminal video. look like I'm always in ski boots. make it make sense.
But, uh, we just got back from Iowa, where we won. Very big, very big in Iowa. I want to congratulate Mr. Desantis on a truly embarrassing showing. he went to 99 counties, but bitch couldn't win one. Ron Destupid. Ron Destupid. it just works. we're going with Ron Destupid. Also want to congratulate Mr. Ramaswamy, Vivica A. Ramaswamy, who dropped out of the race and has agreed to live in my suit pocket.
I love my little ratatouille. As you can see, I am doing very well cognitively, doing great with cognitive. I think I'm doing great with cognitive. I'm more cognitive than ever. the doctor said, sir, you have to be in the top 99% of all the concussion and dementia people we give this test to. I said, wow, I guess I'm very good at recognizing elephants.
Who knew? And now we're here. And this is the campaign, folks. this is all there is. me yelling in courthouse lobby, standing behind barricade, like Guatemalan family at Jfk passenger pickup. But the next stop is New Hampshire against Nikki Haley.
Nikki, Nikki, Nikki. Darling Nikki, Purple Ray. Nikki. Nikki, she thought I was done.
But I'm back in a big way. I'm back.
Like mean girls. Yeah, we love mean girls.
Where's Lacey Chabert? Where's Lacey? left out of remake.
So sad. No, her father did toaster strudel, but she's doing great things in terms of Hallmark movies, staying busy for something. Just like me, it's important to have hobbies. Biden has falling down. I have my many trials. I love being on trial. But Biden's bad, do you know, very creepy. sniffs little girl's hair. I am different, of course I do. far worse than that.
You ever see that video of me dancing with Epstein? Boy, is that some dark energy. flapping off beat. I got the Eugene Levy eyebrows. very strange. very Twin Peaks. I would not be surprised if that footage is fake. of course, it's very real. But you have to think, in many ways, it could not be. we've seen a lot of success with saying things that did not happen. I think we'll continue to do that. it's an innovation I'm particularly proud of. seems to be working very well.
But I love this country. and it's traditions. that's why I'm not doing any debates and barely doing election. I don't need to. my people love me. I got the old people. they're waiting in snow for two hours to vote for Trump. Oh, darling, I'm dying. I got to do one last thing. I got to vote for Trump. we just need him to stay alive till November. stay alive till November. just pull that lever and drop dead.
Why? Because I am sent by God, and God has a plan for me or whatever. I don't know. but 2024 is going to be a very exciting year. I'm either going to jail, be President, or, frankly, the Purge. perhaps all three, Let's spin the chamber. and live from New York, It's Saturday night! |
cracked | the_8_saddest_real_world_superheroes_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, and welcome to episode Deep Space of Does Not Compute, keeping our fingers as close to the pulse of the internet as possible without risking infection. I'm your host, Mr. Sheffield! And my co-host, as always, is Clips of the Pan-Species Coral Singers!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Thong Song. It was Sisko's Thong Song.
Speaking of shared delusions of unattainable physical human potential, today's topic is... Real Life Superheroes. See, as an android, I already know what it's like to have incredible superhuman powers.
Like, huh? How'd you like one of those in the eye?
Didn't think so. What would it be like if normal, pathetic, non-glowing humans donned costumes and tried to fight crime? No, I mean crazy people. Looks like my sketch pad from Junior High. Luckily, Hollywood ran a moving simulation of this scenario, proving with finality that though it would be badass, being a real life superhero is kinda really fucked up.
Mr. Silent joins us live in studio. Mr. Silent, thanks for coming in.
See? That's fucked up. Because your name is Mr. Fucking Silent. Hey, Banshee. See?
That's wrong. That's incorrect.
And what? With the costume? I mean, what are you? I... I'm sorry, Shannon? Are you a mime? Do you want to get paid for this? What's going on? You're a superhero?
Yeah, pretty much. I don't have any powers, obviously. That's good. You should lead with that on missions.
Stop, crook! It is I, Mr. Silent!
Really? What do you like, a real superhero? No. Obviously, I don't have any superpowers. Oh. See? It's confusing.
There are certain sacrifices you have to make. Friends, family, hair, sex. Your position is treasurer of a local ham radio enthusiast group. But, you know what? I'm being too hard on these people. I mean, they're out there in the world every day affecting real change. Who's going to say, like, hey, look, here's a little something extra.
Everyone likes chocolate, you know? Here's a little chocolate. Why aren't people all like, ah, Snickers! I love Snickers!
I'm in tremendous credit card debt.
What? That's bad for society. And your name is Life?
What kind of existential Avengers franchise are we putting together here? Seriously, the only ones that actually sound like superheroes are Phantom Zero and Citizen Prime. And I'm pretty sure that's just because their D&D group disbanded after an argument about whose name sounds more like a 90s punk band.
So, you dress up like a paladin and give kids candy. Sure, that's not creepy. Like that issue where Spidey drops Skittles on everyone. What else you got? Hi, this is Toby, and I'm in New York City right now.
I found this pigeon, and I thought it was dying. And Z thought it was retarded. So, let me show you what happens when I try to feed it. I can't eat anything. I don't know if it's retarded or dying.
People are getting raped all the time. You know that, right? There's like a beating death every 12...
I'm sorry. Other Shannon, please, if you would. Thank you.
Although, the fact that this guy's one legitimate power is getting kicked in the nuts kind of takes some of the satisfaction out of it. But again, how often does that power prove useful? Mayor, there's some maniac down at the Civic Center kicking everyone in the beanbag.
My God, my son is down there. We could send our female officers, sir. Good one. Get me Tothian and tell him to bring that sexy pigeon of his. At least we can say these folks aren't doing any harm. Extreme greetings, fellow citizens.
I am a spoiled fool. Mr. Extreme in the house.
I am posted here to put all the real-life superheroes on notice. I exist to stop and dispose of all real-life superheroes. Ah, yes. Real-life superheroes. Prancing around like you have authority in the world and can stop whoever you want from doing crimes of their own pleasing. See, man? You can't have the sun without the shade, light side without dark, free candy without shitty Heath Ledger impressions. This is to all those real-life superheroes. You are in need of a real enemy. A foil of the story.
And I'm gonna get it here. Call me the trickster. Hey, guys, I get it. We all want to have the best Joker. I understand. Tell you what. Why don't we all meet in some kind of central location, have a tournament, and we'll work it out. Boom! Got ya, fuckers.
Didn't even need to use the old glow finger. Eat it, Mr. Silent. I don't have any towers, obviously.
So what have we learned? If there's one thing all real-life superheroes have in common, it's that they're somehow actually less interesting than an average person.
It is not a bird or a plane. It's a middle-aged insurance salesman.
I probably all started about two years after my son was born. My partner, Jennifer, and I owned a small bookstore. And on a quiet day, I see...
See, here's the president of the Real-Life Superhero Registry. And his origin story is that it was a slow day at the bookstore. It's the same origin story as a paper football. In fact, the only registry guy I'd even want to hang out with is Master Legend.
And that's just because he's clearly insane. And he's been like this. Hmm, I see. Well, we'll take good care of him. Yes, sir. Drastic measures.
Okay, let's put the iron fist... Let's... Larry, get the tranctarts. Oh, let's...
Oh! No!
Well, that's all for this week. I've been your host, Droid, Michael Swaim, and this has been Does Not Compute. Say goodnight, Clippy. Scream. One or the other. You pick.
Don't play the tranctro... Tranctro...
What? |
dropout | pwn_d_support_group | It's been three weeks since my last incident. Say it, Harry. Since I was pwned, it happened really fast. I was just sitting there trying to learn the buttons. And someone shot you in the face and called you a fag.
Why do they do it? What is the fun in killing someone that doesn't know how to play the game? Because they're sick.
Maybe I could have done a little bit more. I could have gotten some more frags. This wasn't your fault.
No, Cola.
Only Slayer.
And how have you been coping, Daryl? What's there to cope with? I was never pwned. Daryl, we've talked about denial. I'm not some new bitch!
I just had a bad game or two! Look, it's not easy adjusting from PC to console. I'm silly. Let's try some role-playing, shall we? Billy, go ahead and place yourself on the ground. Harry, why don't you position yourself over him for a teabag simulation? You can begin the uber-pwnage.
Oh, God! God, it's balls! Because balls are so close! Remember what we practiced.
My character's already dead. Players that squat on my face do not affect me. I am not alive, therefore I cannot be teabagged. My character's already dead.
I can't take it! It's balls! Get it off me! No!
Don't drive the war-hug off the cliff! Sharon, we're all here to help you get over your trust issues. Trust? I trusted Obama's gang! They think they don't want to get me!
Take out! I have no team! Listen, Sharon, not all gamers are foul-mouthed homophobes. The majority are just trying to have a good... Oh! Headshot! Yeah! I diss your opponents! I don't take it like you homos! Suck my dick! Suck my dick, ass-tards! What? He'll respawn in like a minute. |
dropout | Your_Emergency_Contact_Won_t_Answer_the_Phone | I think in a past life, I trained the otters at SeaWorld. There are no otters at SeaWorld.
Then how can I do thi- OH GOD! Quick! Somebody call Jess's emergency contact! Someone, please? I guess I'll do it.
Okay, according to this form that Jessica failed at when she started three years ago, her emergency contact is her best friend and roommate, Ruth. Oh, I love Ruth so much! She's my best friend!
Oh my!
Argh!
God, she ignored the call! Of course she's ignoring the call!
Raph, it's 2019. No one answers their phone anymore. Do you want her to look desperate? But she's your emergency contact! You're running out of time. Ugh. Okay, I know what I'll do. Millennials love texting. Ugh! Ah! She's not responding to the text! Ughh! Of course she hasn't responded to the message! Raph, it's 2019. No one promptly reviews and responds to text messages anymore! Do you want her to look desperate? But she's your emergency contact and this is an emergency! We're running out of time. Is there anybody else that we can call? No! Oh!
Ruth is the only person in the world that I trust with my life. She knows my medical history, she knows my blood type, my organ donor status, and she's the only person who knows how to find the old patch of land in which I want to lay my remains. It has to be Ruth. Then how do you usually contact her?
I wait for Florence and the Machine to go on tour and then I meet her at the show. Oh my god. I love Florence and the Machine. Her voice is amazing. Oh my god, completely. I love her so much!
Oh, come on! We're running out of time! I got an idea. Oh my god, it better be good. Don't be stupid, Raph. Are you posting to her Facebook wall? It's 2019. No one uses Facebook anymore, Raph. Do you want me dead? Yeah, I'm fine. A tweet? Did you just app Ruth in a tweet? Well, we might as well peruse affordable coffins for my secret plot of land because Raph wants me dead, everybody! Raph wants me freaking dead! Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine! Oh god!
An Instagram story? What the fuck's wrong with you? An Instagram story? What the?
Oh no, that might work. You know, if you put a funny sticker on it, she'd probably watch the whole thing.
Oh yeah! Oh god! Oh no, we're out of time! No! Jess!
It's perfect, it's your mom! Oh, why is my mom here? Hey, she lives in town! She can come pick you up!
She would've talked my ear off. It's 2019, send an email.
What's your mom's name? Oh, Linda. Linda? Such a mom name. Oh, what does she do?
Nothing, really. Mm, right. That's probably why she's calling. Hey, it's Grant.
If you like College Humor and wanna support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of .005% of my student loan debt, you'll get shows like Total Forgiveness, where I do stunts to try to pay down said student debt, access to an exclusive Dropout Discord where I'll talk about college loans, and sketches a full week earlier, like this one about my student loans. I studied acting. You took out loans to study acting?
That's my one thing. That's, it's my whole deal. Sign up for your free trial today. Then pay after that. I, I need it. |
cracked | why_we_re_glad_han_solo_is_dead_stuff_about_star_wars | Okay, uh, hot take. Sure, uh, fucking Star Wars. So Han Solo from Star Wars is actually the worst smuggler in the galaxy, right? Yeah, so, okay, yeah. So in Force Awakens, Han is like floating around with Chewie smuggling giant monsters called Rancors, I mean, Rathtars, and they get boarded by two different criminal organizations.
He owes each of them money. In fact, have I ever not delivered for you before? Yeah. He has a history of owing them money.
Why is anybody hiring Han Solo for anything ever? He's always messing up jobs and not delivering. And he's one of the good guys. Hey, criminals, don't trust the general with the heart of gold to do crimes for you. He's the guy who blew up a crime lord's party boat and might frack off to smooch a princess or save a rebellion at any parsec. He'll dump your cargo or he'll lose your cargo. And I would argue that he owes every crime boss everywhere a whole lot of money that he won't pay back because he doesn't have it or he doesn't remember. Either way, stop hiring Han Solo, he's bad.
Oh, you know, we've never even really seen him be a smuggler. In A New Hope, he's barely looking for smuggling work.
He hears from Chewie that Obi and Luke need passage to Alderaan and he's like, hey, I'm Han Solo, he's all cool about it. You know, this is a rough bar, you know. He's like, yeah, I can give you a ride. He offers them a ride. He brags about his fast ship, says he can get them there and that's the plan. He's gonna be their space bus.
But then Obi makes it clear he doesn't want any imperial entanglements when he says that and that's when Han's like, whoa, hey now, you want me to hide you? That's gonna cost you extra. No, Han, that's smuggling. If you're just giving nice people lifts, why are you hanging out at the bar of hideous criminals?
I mean, it's a great job. Basically, Han just flies around in a house in space playing monster chess with his intelligent tree bear best friend.
But from what we've been shown, he's barely a smuggler and all he's really got is a fast ship. If you're smuggling something, do you want it there fast or do you want it there at all?
Stop hiring Han Solo. You wanna get paid? Stop hiring Han Solo.
He's a bad smuggler. Great good guy, though.
Okay, dad. So like, yeah, here's your hot take, all right?
Just add some clips, title it Han Solo Sucks, parentheses, he's the fucking worst, colon, you suck too, you dumb piece of shit, click on this, I don't know. Or like, Han Solo was terrible at his job.
Do whatever you want, okay? You have your hot take. You got what you came here for. Just leave me alone. Please.
Maybe it'll be about Jar Jar is good, or like Emperor Palpatine is the hero, or something about Star Wars. |
dropout | what_holiday_shopping_looks_like_from_inside_your_head | Time to do a little holiday shopping. And it seems the entire country agrees. Why didn't I just do this online?
Stupid. Okay, just gotta wade through. Excuse me, move it or lose it. I'm just kidding, please know that I'm kidding.
Oh God, that's some bad B.O. Hope I don't smell like that. What if it's me and I caught a whiff of myself? I am disgusting. Oh cool, not me.
Okay, where's the sweater section? Gotta ask someone who works here. Think they wear maroon shirts? Bingo.
Excuse me, excuse me please. Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, fine sir.
Can you please tell me where the sweaters are? I don't work here. Oh, I'm so sorry, it's the maroon. Okay, great, I'm gonna turn around. Ooh, sweaters! Okay, hey, you did help me, actually. All right, what do we got here?
Looks like a small black v-neck. Yeah, I wonder when they'll make a j-neck. Ha ha, j-neck.
That's actually pretty funny. I should post that. I'll do that later.
Oh no, don't. Ah, all right, a v-neck's a v-neck, right? All right, perfume time. No.
I want it! No, I want you to put it. Get it! Oh God, don't feed that thing after midnight.
Ah, perfume. Essence, in essence, essential. Okay, these are exactly the same. Hi, excuse me, you don't work here, do you? Yes, I do. What's the difference here? Oh, well, in essence, the differences are essence.
That makes no sense. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Doesn't it? Yeah.
What do I do, do I buy all of these? Only a lunatic would do that. Maybe they have a good return policy, though. Ugh, ugh, ugh. All right, now just time to get that watch and I'm home free. Oh, how about this? We are going home, come on. Ah, Gremlin. Hey, let's just forget the things that happened before. Ugh, play some new songs already. If I have to hear this one more time, I'm gonna deck those with bells and lollies. God, fuck.
Yes, last watch. It's probably not the last watch ever made or in the store, but oh, hello there, lady. Do you have the time?
That's kind of fun, right? It's kind of whimsical. Okay, I'm going for it.
Hey, why did my voice crack? That never happens.
Now he's gotta find the checkout line. Get outta here. Is this the line? I need to get the fuck out of here.
Oh God, was that allowed? Jackpot, excuse me, excuse me. Oh God, that's the B.O. guy, he's right there. Oh, we meet again. Is that weird to say to him? Yes, what is this? Is this the cutter? Yeah, okay, here comes the pain train. Excuse me.
Oh, essence, yeah, that's a cool perfume. Yeah, cool dude, cool. Great, grandpa flying Kriya.
I can't handle the cutter.
Next. Wow, they are really pushing this perfume. That'll be 12383, I love y'all.
All of my money, yeah. Yeah, it's like a light load today. Light load, I am the worst. Our registers are down, it's cash only right now. Yeah, no problem, cool. This is gonna be a problem. Sub club, gift card from grandma. There's no cash in here, I need to grow up.
Would you mind stepping aside, sir? Just give me a second, okay? I'm cool. Sir. Everything's cool. Step aside, sir. Why don't you step aside, sir? Dude, get off me. Hey, enjoy the perfume. Supposed to be a surprise, man.
You're the worst. Shit, shit, shit, shit. |
cracked | the_weirdest_part_of_westworld_isn_t_the_robots_illogical_conclusion | Hello, and welcome to A Logical Conclusion, a show that asks a baffling pop culture question and brings it to a rational answer, no matter how exhaustingly far up the clown hole we need to go. Today's query is...
By the way, there are two easy explanations for how this would work in real life. Those are... 1. The bullets are going at a lower velocity speed than real bullets and the robots either have weaker skin or squibs simulating a gunshot. Or 2.
Only the guests have real guns while the hosts have non-lethal ones. However, the later episodes of the series make both of these impossible. Hosts engage in activity proving their skin to be fuck-worthy levels of durable, going so far as to show one of them physically remove a bullet from their body. We also see guests and hosts occasionally swap weapons, meaning that the guns are interchangeable and so we logically have to conclude that the bullets themselves are special. This is further corroborated by the supplementary fictional website explaining that their guns feature low-velocity technologies similar to paintballs. Out of universe writer Jonah Nolan has confirmed that the bullets are called simunitions, which are a low-velocity, non-lethal ammunition. But if the guests and hosts are routinely swapping guns, it means that the bullet we see lodged in one of the robot characters is the same type of bullet that bounces off guests. Not to mention, these bullets will also damage inanimate objects in the park.
And so all of that means these simunitions have to do two things. 1. Know the difference between organic and inorganic matter. And 2. Quickly decelerate to a non-lethal velocity when it senses the target is living. Now let's deal with that second one first.
If the non-lethal setting of these bullets feels similar to a paintball impact, that would put them at about 86 meters or 285 feet per second. This is a safe assumption considering that this velocity is right on the edge of what is considered non-lethal. It also happens to be the same speed as an experimental crowd control projectile called the Pogo Jet. But unlike Westworld's bullets, the Pogo Jet is designed to slowly burn its propellant in order to maintain a constant and non-killing speed over a long distance, creating an incapacitating round that when fired remains effective for both long and short range. Bullets on Westworld need to toggle between two different velocities, lethal or penetrative, and non-lethal. If the lethal speed is the same as a regular bullet, that would mean Westworld simunitions could slow down or speed up to 5,000 feet per second. That's faster than the speed of sound, and it would have to do this in mere nanoseconds after identifying its target.
That is amazing. Obviously, we're talking about a sci-fi show, so that's not outside the realm of the story. But here's where it gets weird.
The park's fictional terms and conditions specifically state that their safeguards regarding bullet velocity are proprietary to their parent company. And that means Westworld is manufacturing these bullets themselves. All of them. If Westworld has at least 1,400 guests, and those guests fire a very conservative 20 bullets a day, well that adds up to 28,000 pieces of simunitions. That comes to over 10 million bullets a year being manufactured for pew-pew bullsh** cowboy fights.
This is where we draw our illogical conclusion. The scientists of Westworld have invented a type of ammunition that would revolutionize war as we know it, bullets that can detect targets and drastically change their velocity on command. There's no telling what else they might be able to do if applied to various tasks. And they are using this technology as a footnote in their rowdy hat sex park. Or a more horrifying theory.
Westworld's parent company Delos has a weapons manufacturing division and is using their park as an unofficial testing site for prototypes. It would explain the sketchiness of the company in the show and why they would build robots in the first place. What it wouldn't explain is why a large arms dealer would feel the need to build an amusement park. That's like if Lockheed Martin opened a traveling air show to test their new F-35 jets.
It's not safe, affordable, or discreet. It's insanity. It's an insane thing to do. The show is the symphony of a madman. And that's how those goddamn bullets work. |
SaturdayNightLive | tree_lighting_gig_snl | And so I gave her a drawback and said thanks for all that you've done. thank you very much. thank you. Welcome once again to the Pine River Lodge Christmas Tree Lighting 2023. Come on, Trees. let's start the show. Oh, we will turn it out for sure. But first, my lower back is killing me. all the way down to my coccyx.
Does anyone here tonight happen to have a Domes pill? Just a single Domes back pill. it could be sitting in the bottom corner of your purse or the deepest part of your jean. Do we remember Domes?
I'm talking to you, audience. do you not hear? Now you're wasting your breath, Trees. they don't got it, babe.
All right, now take care of this myself. Yeah! let's go!
Tweedle De Deck. Tweedle De Hose. time to meet Santa at the Christmas Mall. let's meet the band. on keyboards, it's Charlie Darken, who's about to get hitched. What day is the wedding again? it was last month. Well, I can't wait. rented trumpet that we clearly cannot return.
Please give it up for Sheila Foods. my job is to blow this. Fire, Sheila Foods.
I was fired. Yes. you know, you've done a 180 from last night. I was worried about you. what do you mean? Well, you sat straight up in bed and you said, what have I done? have I lost all my morals? And then at the buffet, you were crying all over the cantaloupe.
Oh, Trees, I don't want to talk about that. people are here for a Christmas show. Yeah, Trees, let the lady have her secrecy.
I'm just trying to be of help. neither of you had daddies, and I'm just trying to assume that role. tweet on this, no. do your Christmas, but I must give you catamotone. Always. Oh, my God, A cell phone. Oh, that's disrespecting the music, man. wait, no, no, it's me. Oh, it's the front desk. Hello?
What? in our room? What's in our room, chocolate? Oh, my God. what did he look like? He who? Who is the he in our room?
He flooded the room and he won't leave? Oh, damn you, Jerome. Jerome, you're insane Ex,: but he's incarcerated at Mary Hutchins Women's Prison for Men. he escaped, and I gave him the key to our room. Why? Well, he said he needed our bathroom, and he said he could never go at the prison.
I need to hear this. give me the phone. Yes, hello. yes, how much water is in the room? And what percent is Surge? eighty. that's a really high percent.
Well, sir, do you have eyes on a pair of size 12 Hermes Suede scooter boots? they should be sitting pretty. Oh, you don't see them? Oh, no, my Hermes Suede Scooter boots. they've gone missing. But, tres, what on earth are scooter boots? What are you, a human dumbass? it's a fashion boot for riding scooters. And now my Hermes Suede Scooter boots are soaked in Surge. Tres, tres, don't be mad. I'll make your own by you New Suede scooter boots. Jimmy Choo Suede scooter boots. Oh, Jimmy Choo doesn't even make scooter boots. Where is your mind? My Hermes Suede Scooter Boots. tweed on these scarfs. tweed on these shoes.
Santa is coming, so dust off your Christmas dolls. Oh, why is your horn so sad, Sheila Foods? Because I'm sad. I hurt you and your scooter boots.
And you're my best friend. Well, I'm not your best friend, but I will get there. after I saw it through today's shenanigans. really? Well, then what do you say we do one more song? even though the audience left a long time ago. did they? Oh, that's interesting. well, then let's do it for us. Okay. tweed on these snow, tweed on these drifts. bye-bye to those cuz friends are the bestest kids.
But first, my lower back is killing me. all the way down to my coccyx. Does anyone here tonight happen to have a Domes pill? Just a single Domes back pill. it could be sitting in the bottom corner of your purse. or the deepest part of your jean. Do we remember Domes?
I'm talking to you, audience. do you not hear? Yeah, you're wasting your breath, Trees. they don't got it, babe. fine.
I'll take care of this myself. let's go! Tweed on the deck. tweed on the halls. time to meet Santa at the Christmas Mall. let's meet the band. on keyboards, it's Charlie Darken, who's about to get hitched. what day is the wedding again? it was last month. Well, I can't wait. rented trumpet that we clearly cannot return.
Please give it up for Sheila Foods. my job is to blow this. Fire, Sheila Foods. That was fire.
Yes. you know, you've done a 180 from last night. I was worried about you. what do you mean? Well, you sat straight up in bed and you said, what have I done? have I lost all my morals? And then at the buffet, you were crying all over the cantaloupe.
Oh, Trees, I don't want to talk about that. people are here for a Christmas show. Yeah, Trees, let the lady have her secrecy. I'm just trying to be of help. neither of you had daddies, and I'm just trying to assume that role. tweed on this sleigh. tweed on this gnome. do your Christmas, but I must give you catamotone.
Always. Oh, my God, a cell phone. Oh, that's disrespecting the music, man. wait, no, no, it's me. Oh, it's the front desk. Hello?
What? in our room? what's in our room, chocolate? Oh, my God. what did he look like? He who? Who is the he in our room?
He flooded the room and he won't leave? Oh, damn you, Jerome. Jerome, you're insane Ex,: but he's incarcerated at Mary Hutchins Women's Prison for Men. he escaped, and I gave him the key to our room. Why? Well, he said he needed our bathroom, and he said he could never go at the prison.
Let me hear this. give me the phone. Yes, hello. yes, how much water is in the room? And what percent is Surge? eighty. that's a really high percent.
Well, sir, do you have eyes on a pair of size 12 Hermes Suede scooter boots? They should be sitting pretty. Oh, you don't see them? Oh, no, my Hermes Suede Scooter boots. they've gone missing. What on earth are scooter boots? What are you, a human dumbass? it's a fashion boot for riding scooters, and now my Hermes Suede scooter boots are soaked in Surge. Tres, tres, don't be mad. I'll make Jerome buy you new suede scooter boots. Jimmy Choo Suede Scooter Boots. Oh, Jimmy Choo doesn't even make scooter boots. Where is your mind? My Hermes Suede Scooter boots.
Tweedle Dee scarfs, Tweedle Dee shawls. Santa is coming, so dust off your Christmas dolls.
Oh, why is your horn so sad, Sheila Foods? Because I'm sad.
I hurt you and your scooter boots, and you're my best friend. Well, I'm not your best friend, but I will get there after I saw it through today's shenanigans. really? So what do you say we do. one more song? even though the audience left a long time ago. did they? Oh, that's interesting. well, then let's do it for us. Okay. Tweedle Dee Snow, Tweedle Dee Drift. bye-bye, Noose, Cuz friends are the bestest kids. Die. Why is it so small? take it for what it is, Tres. Oh, merry Christmas. I wanted my scooter boots. you see? |
SaturdayNightLive | maid_of_honor_snl | You know, I always got the sense that Matt looked down on me, but that's only because he's two inches taller. No, but I'm so happy for your buddy. I love you, bro. to Matt and Tanya. Cheers. that's awesome. Okay. how about a hand for Matt's best man, Nate? yeah.
I'm sorry, I'm chewing. That was just an incredibly short speech. it opened with the look down on me, Joe, and then it just kind of ended a few sentences later. I was sure it would be longer, which is why I took a bite of food, but I was wrong, but still. a very nice speech from Nate.
Okay, now let's hear from the maid of honor, Tanya's best friend, Sarah. come on up, Sarah. Hi, I'm Sarah.
Matt, let me tell you something. you're a really lucky guy because Tanya is the best girl in the world. Yes, she is. girl's like a sister to me. And not just because we both seen my dad naked. Okay. she's always had my back. even when nobody else agreed with me, she always said, Sarah, if you're sober enough to drive, then I believe you. And that meant the world to me, Girly. And when I'd stumble, when I'd make a mistake, she'd never make me feel bad. she'd say, girly, don't beat yourself up. nobody knew that thing was loaded. did she shoot someone? I'm trying to listen. and when she's going through a tough time herself, she doesn't complain.
No, she dances professionally. What kind of dancing, babe? But she's not perfect.
No way. What kind of dancing? she's been a bit of a bridezilla and not just because she's attacked a lot of Japanese people. all of you, But if nine of my last boyfriends killed themselves, I would give up on romance. But not Tanya. she's joking, right? she believes in love. when I started dating my now husband, she was so happy for me. everyone else said, you're a monster. But what did you say, girly? you're not a monster. you're just his math teacher. That's right. love is love, right, baby? no doubt.
But most of all, Tanya is brave. Girly, I know you remember this. we were at a protest fighting for justice, and you got right in that cop's face. no fear at all. And do you remember what you said? I'm storming the capitol and I'm gonna kill my kids. that's right. that's right.
And Matt, you make her so happy. I don't want to embarrass anyone, but when you guys first got together, Tanya and I were having some girl talk and I said, you know, how's the chemistry in the bedroom? I know. hey, here we go. and she said, he's trying his best. And that's what makes Matt different from the hundreds and hundreds of other guys that she's dragged home over the years. hundreds? baby. I'm sure, maybe he's not famous, like Steve-o from Jackass or Wee Man from Jackass. maybe he's not mysterious, like bam, from Jackass. but he puts in the work, like Johnny Knoxville, from Jackass. So you just got with the whole Jackass gang then? Penny, I listen to your friend's speech, okay? come on. she loves you right away, Matt. after your first date, she said, I met my person. and she deleted all the dating apps. Match, Tinder, Choke Pony, Tor dark web browser, all of them. at least I think she did. No, I did. come on, you can check my phones. why do you have three phones? So yeah, she loves you, Matt.
And I know when she's finally able to get her kids back, they're gonna love you too. What kids? And all those kids' dads are gonna respect you. What kids And what dads? it's not every man who has the courage to marry Suge Knight's ex.
But you do, Matt. you do. So congrats to both of you. Cheers. Love you, girlie.
I'm gonna die. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_a_spotted_lanternfly_on_being_an_invasive_species_snl | This summer, an invasive species, the Spotted Lantern Fly, has spread throughout the Northeast, destroying local vegetation. experts are so concerned, they are encouraging people to kill them on sight. and if you've seen one, you might agree. let's take a look. I'm a Spotted Lantern Fly.
I don't care what experts say. I'm gonna eat your craw. scientists are concerned about my high reproductive capacity because I'm a player. that's why people call me a player. my life goals are to lay eggs beyond Judge Judy and to eat every crop. And there's nothing these stupid foreigners can do to change my mind.
Wow. Well, let's bring amount of Spotted Lantern Fly, everyone. Oh, yeah.
Boomy, y'all don't even know me. Boomy, Haters, y'all haters can kiss my ass, aka my seminal secretion pouch.
Oh, Lantern Fly, you're coming in a little aggressive. Oh, I'm aggressive. I'm the one who's doing the aggressive Michael Che. they're telling their children to stop me to death.
What is this, Mazda Germany? I think you mean Nazi Germany. I don't know what I mean.
I'm a bug. I find a mate and have 3,000 to 4,000 babies. that's a lot of babies. hey, they hatin',' I'm matein'.' hey, who wouldn't want to sit on this? Oh, yeah, no, look at that underwing. it's getting rouge. yeah, uh, this what y'all look like trying to stomp me. uh, uh, keep stompin'. I even look gorgeous. dead, bitch. Okay, Lantern Fly, relax. what do you say to the people accusing you of being an invasive species? invasive? Oh, my family's been in this country for generations, any of them. and how long is that? about four months. Well, you've also been threatening to local vegetation.
Oh, how? how?
Lantern Fly, please calm down. I think people have a right to be upset.
I mean, people rely on the crops. you're destroyin'.' I don't care if crops knows what they did. crop spray to me. And if I see crops, I'm suckin'' them on sight. Well, Lantern Fly, we got a little surprise for you. Crops is actually here tonight. Oh, hell no. let's bring crops out. and I'm suckin' it down.
I had a pan. Oh, you didn't want to talkin',' but you ain't' doin' a lot of suckin'.'
Oh, come on. Oh, Lantern Fly, everybody. keep stompin',' bitch. keep stompin'.'
But we can update on Michael Che.
I apologize. you're nice.
And there's nothing these stupid farmers can do to change my mind.
Wow. Well, let's bring amount of Spotted Lantern Fly, everyone. Oh, yeah.
Boomy, y'all don't even know me. Boomy, Haters. y'all haters can kiss my ass, aka my seminal secretion pouch.
Oh, Lantern Fly, you're comin'' in a little aggressive. Oh, I'm aggressive. I'm the one who's doin' the aggressive Michael Che. they're tellin' her children to stop me to death.
What is this, Mazda Germany? I think you mean Nazi Germany. I don't know what I mean.
I'm a bug. I'm just tryin'' to live my life, find a mate, and have 3,000 to 4,000 babies. that's a lot of babies. hey, they hatin',' I'm makin'.' hey, who wouldn't want to sit on this? yeah. oh, yeah, no, look at that underwing. it's gettin'' rouge. yeah, uh, this what y'all look like tryin' to stop me. uh, uh, keep stompin'. I need to look gorgeous. dead, bitch. Okay, Lantern Fly, relax. what do you say to the people accusing you of being an invasive species? invasive?
Oh, my family's been in this country for generations, any of them. And how long is that? About four months.
Well, you've also been threatening to local vegetation.
Oh, how? How?
Oh, because I jump on a tree and stick my mouth on it and suck all the sap out till it's dead. Oh, y'all go down, bitch, catch me outside, suckin'' all your trees to death.
Lantern Fly, please calm down. I think people have the right to be upset. I mean, people rely on the crops.
You're destroyin'.' I don't care.
Crops knows what they did. Crops pray to me. and if I see crops, I'm suckin' them on sight. Well, Lantern Fly, we got a little surprise for you. Crops is actually here tonight. Oh, hell no. let's bring crops out.
Oh, you didn't want to talkin',' but you ain't doin' a lot of suckin'.' Oh, Lantern Fly, everybody. keep stompin',' bitch, keep stompin'.'
But we can take a Michael Che.
I apologize. I'm sorry. |
dropout | To_Do_List_by_The_Supremes_Game_Changer_s_Karaoke_Night | All right, definitely, no. This one's very funny to me. Yes. This one's also very funny to me. Uh-huh. Temptation's fun. Yes, yes, agreed. All right, yeah. Great.
Zach, I'll come to you for this one. We're going to choose 3520. 3520 it is. To-do list by the Supremes. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Well, my mama told me, do what you can.
Feel it in your soul. If you want to achieve your dreams, then you've got to set a goal. I often make a list to understand the obstacles that I've got set forth for today. Set forth for today. I've got to get an oil change and do some groceries, pick up some dry cleaning, and maybe watch the game.
So make it a new list. Make it a new list. Put it up on your refrigerator and do it. So make it a new list. Make it a new list. If you check them all out, there is nothing to it.
Start the day with a cold shower and a bit of meditation. Step out of your door. Ready to take on the whole nation. Grab a cup of coffee, walk into work.
Tell off the person who treats you like a jerk. Write down the social interactions you will have to make sure that you get them right. If you don't, write down those stings and jabs that you have in your head. What you could have said will keep you up at night.
Doing it doesn't feel half so good as crossing it all. Wow. Oh, wow. Wow, gang. As far as sheer musicality is concerned, I think we hit a peak with that song. I was dancing my ass off just now. |
cracked | the_furthest_behind_anyone_has_ever_been_on_breaking_bad | Huge announcement, guys. It's visionary, really. I've envisioned.
Concur. Well, wait. Here's the idea. First, then we can find it.
Uh, you're proactive, productive, prolific. Procolactic.
So my idea. Mr. White's sites. I came up with the name first. But I figure we can just sell websites. Follow me here. We wanted one. For our company, we'll just sell the sites we have to other companies.
Only the good ones, though. That's the trick. No bad ones. We break the bad ones and we print them right out of there.
I love it, Walter. I'm Mr. White. I want something named after me. Your last name is White?
Yeah. That's why I sign all my emails. Yours in Christ. Walter White. Since forever. Since... I was yours in Christ.
How do you guys not know my full name? Remember this guy. It probably has a lot to do with how interesting and important your emails are. Even more than I love everything that's been said in this entire meeting, I love that your name is Walter White.
Fine. Do you like my idea? Sure, Mr. White, bitch. I agree.
Bitch. Why are you... She's got great idea, bitch. I don't know if you guys realize how much you're calling me a bitch right now. Bitch.
But it's starting to get kind of hurtful. Walter White is the main character of Breaking Bad. It's a TV show.
Magnets, bitch. It's like weeds, but like goods.
I don't...
Bitch. Ow. That's what we should do. Bitch.
I'll be Marie. Ew. No one wants to be Marie. No one wants to be Walter Junior.
That is the most true. That's not even a business idea.
Sam, you know Breaking Bad is a tragedy, man. Don't spoiler town USA. Spoiler? It's just what the show is. We're watching Walter White's downfall as he ruins the lives and relationships of everyone around him.
His social net will disintegrate and he'll be alone and may be dead... Because of his own arrogant idiocy.
Walter? Hidden close to home? Any of that. I don't follow.
Are you saying people won't buy our websites? Buy our websites? What websites? I haven't even designed a website for the company we're not.
Okay. How? Maybe. Nope. Hey. I'm just trying to be prolific here. You know what you're trying to do. No. Sam, are you okay?
You just feel really bad for Walter. Don't. He's terrible. No. Not that Walter. Breaking Bad, Walter. Oh. Don't. He's terrible. Oh, buck up, Sam.
As far as I'm concerned, you're both my kids. Two little Walter Juniors who's living in my computer. That's us. Three Walter Juniors.
Bad meeting, guys. Breaking Bad meeting, yo. Best bad meeting.
Bitch. Back to the potty mouth. Bitch. Okay. You're a bitch, Walter.
Henry can you walk me here? Sit down. Hey. I'm Soren Bowie.
Subscribe to crack.com and I'll take off my shirt for you because that's what you want. That's the coolest thing about crack.com.
Body muscles. Not like jokes that people craft. Not like writing. Like prose. You know? Like manipulating these 26 letters into an endless array of finely crafted prose. Not that. Do it for pecs.
Walter Juniors is living in my computer. That's us. Three Walter Juniors.
Bad meeting, guys. Breaking Bad meeting, yo. Best bad meeting.
Bitch. Back to the potty mouth. Bitch. Okay. You're a bitch, Walter.
Henry can you walk me here? Sit down. Hey. I'm Soren Bowie.
Subscribe to crack.com and I'll take off my shirt for you because that's what you want. That's the coolest thing about crack.com.
Body muscles. Not like jokes that people craft. Not like writing. Like prose. You know? Like manipulating these 26 letters into an endless array of finely crafted prose. Not that. Do it for pecs. |
dropout | smell_talk_part_1 | Hi, I'm Sarah, and I'm David, and we're here in the College Humor Labs to talk about the power of scent. We're here with Avery Gilbert, who is a smell scientist and the author of What the Nose Knows.
Why do babies smell so awesome? I think it's probably two reasons. One is they're brand new, and so they smell all fresh. And second, maybe evolution wants them to be attractive to the mother. So they're not disappointed.
Okay, so what about old people, because they have a very distinctive smell too. And that's only been discovered recently. Old people have been smelling bad, I'm sure, for like hundreds of years. But it was just recently that they were like, we should figure out what that thing is. Well, I mean, it's kind of, you know, you gotta go up to your grandma and say, we want to put you in the lab, see what you smell bad. Alright, the big question, the elephant in the room, whose farts smell worse, men or women? On a volume for volume basis, women's farts are stinky.
Oh! The guy's fart more, so it's a draw in the end. Yeah, I gave you Sarah's arm right now. Can you say, I'm getting a whiff of X. I just could describe it maybe a little better, just because I've had practice. Hm. Warm, almost bready, very nice. Nice, that's smelling bread. A tiny bit of a piney smell. Get that? Yeah, I get piney. Up to nine hours later.
It's kind of like common knowledge that you can't smell yourself. Yeah, you tend to tune out any odor that you're around constantly. You have a certain odor all the time, your brain is going to zero it out. If you're around a guy's farts all the time, you'll stop smelling them. She's obsessed with farts. Nasty smells are things you pay attention to, it takes longer to tune out.
Could you go into a lab and recreate a Sarah smell using chemicals? We could put you in a big tube and draw air over you and capture it, and then take chemicals off the shelf and make a simulated Sarah. That is the awesomest and creepiest thing I've ever heard. We have three coworkers who could use a little bit of help in the scent departments. |
TheOnion | SeaWorld_Unveils_New_20_Whales_Stuffed_In_Pool_Show | Dell is acquired by Gateway 2000 in a merger of the two biggest names in computer technology. SeaWorld unveils its new 20 whales stuffed in a pool show, and a sweating Obama admits the drone strikes have been happening on their own. You're about to experience the best moments of your paltry, miserable life. Savor it for all it's worth. This is the Onion Week in Review.
Today college students across the nation announced their excitement to finally add their powerless voices to the ongoing gun control debate. Students everywhere told reporters that they couldn't wait to use ineffective rallies, futile petitions and fruitless campus newspaper editorials to do absolutely nothing about the issue at hand. Gun control is a very important issue and I think now is the right time for all of us students to share our hopelessness. Students everywhere need to encourage this pitiful little debate.
On Wednesday, consultants from public relations firm Hill & Knowlton advised the United States to begin distancing itself from the state of Alabama as soon as possible. The marketing team cited numerous surveys and opinion polls highlighting key characteristics of the southern state that have adversely affected the nation's overall reputation and strongly encouraged U.S. officials and citizens to downplay all connections with Alabama. When people hear the words United States, we want them thinking California, Oregon, Colorado, not Alabama. The truth is people have a tendency to associate this state with teen pregnancies, religious intolerance and obesity.
A report released Monday by the Food and Drug Administration states that the majority of peanut butter sold in the United States contains trace amounts of rat feces, but life can be kind of weird like that sometimes. Consumers across the nation responded to the news with concern while also noting that hey, that's just how things work out from time to time, you know? I don't know, man. Well, one second you're living your life like any other day and then life throws you a curve ball and bam, your peanut butter's got rat shit in it. What are you going to do? Win some, you lose some. I mean, what's felt heard? Go crawl under a rock and wait to die?
Jack Daniels announced today its plan to start marketing directly to children, adding, quote, why not? Executives for the whiskey company told reporters that they've already slated dozens of television spots showing ten-year-old children drinking tumblers of Jack and Coke in playgrounds and that the company was planning, unquote, just seeing how it all played out. Every year, Jack Daniels sells millions of dollars of great American whiskey to men and women all over the world. So for our next ad campaign, we basically just thought, hey, why not just start marketing this stuff straight to ten-year-olds? I mean, if they catch us, they catch us, but we'll see how far it goes and hopefully we can sell some alcohol along the way. Sure, some parents groups could get upset, especially if we go with our idea of moms serving their kids cranberry jack at snack time, but that doesn't mean we can't take a shot and see what happens, you know?
In other news, a doomed rabbit will teach an eight-year-old a lesson about responsibility. Queen Elizabeth II announces her plan to wed her longtime partner following the passage of the gay marriage bill and a torrent of soap issues from a wildly unexpected part of the dispenser. Well, that was it. It's all downhill from here, bud. For more, visit theonion.com. |
cracked | why_death_needs_to_matter_in_the_marvel_universe | Hi Marvel, it's me Daniel, though you probably know me better as one of the many people whose money you mostly already have back in October You outlined phase three of Marvel's ambitious release schedule and in doing so Dictated the next five years of my movie going to slash anticipating life seriously I'm a completist which means I need to read and watch Everything the inhumans isn't even a title that I read or gave a hoot about but now I need to consume all of it Just so I can have very strong opinions about casting and give the biggest hoot because that's what kind of broken I am you have a fan for life in me. I'm gonna read old in humans comics reread dr.
Strange comics obsessively watch every trailer that comes out so I can Wildly speculate for years and then I'm going to yes give you even more of my money I'm going to keep going to all of your movies no matter what so I'm asking you to do something for me in return You need to start making death matter in the first door you dropped Loki off of a space bridge into even more space and it Was simultaneously exciting and devastating. Yes, the bad guy has gotten but up now Maybe you just misunderstood and he was Thor's brother after all so that's hey, there's a lot of stuff that he needs probably oh wait No, I don't actually have to process any of that because he's already back to life in the post credit sequence Then he killed him again in Thor 2 back in the habit and what was both perfect closure of his arc as a character and a really Heartbreaking scene. Let's do an anatomy of this scene and talk about why it's effective Here's Loki saving his big brother Thor doing one of the first truly decent things he has ever done and showing real growth as a character He's not a petulant boy anymore lamenting the fact that he's not sitting on the throne that he believes is his by right He's putting himself out there and helping the brother for the greater good character growth. It's Important. It's one of the things movies are made of the monster sword hugs Loki to death and Thor screams The way movie people and exclusively no real people do what this does is make Loki's involvement in this battle Not just helping his brother defeat some hug monsters. It becomes a selfless sacrifice. It has Meaning we watch Loki kill a whole bunch of people We cared about more on that later trying to take over the world and just be evil in a general sort of way a dramatic sacrifice like this is one of the Only things that could have redeemed this character and it works His last act involves strapping a bomb to the hug monster and saying see you in hell Monster Thor spends the whole movie working with Loki Yes, but also reminding him that he does not and will never trust him or care for him Well, it makes you think you can trust me. I don't you betray me and I will kill you I wish I could trust you He only knows Loki's help when he's entirely out of options and has every intention of returning Loki to prison as soon as their Mission is over vengeance And after with the cell you must be truly desperate. This is when we hear Loki say And it's incredibly emotional and effective Loki's apologizing sincerely for everything and Thor accepts everything about this scene works when you watch it And then he gets to the end of the movie and learn that Loki is surprise alive again and was only fooling again and just like There was no hint in that death scene that Loki was pulling another trick It wasn't like it included a wink to clever members of the audience or any bit of foreshadowing it was written shot and handled in a way that is indistinguishable from any other death scene and It aims to evoke the exact same emotions that come out in an actual death if Loki is alive at the end Then his sacrifice means nothing because it wasn't a sacrifice and the emotional closure of his relationship with his brother is meaningless Because it was still for show and there's no longer any arc or character growth or development He's still the petulant trickster. We met three movies ago who just wants his throne It's almost the exact same thing they did with agent Coulson and the Avengers They killed the guy who was sweet and who had been in more Marvel movies than most and his death was the thing that Needed to happen to give the Avengers something to avenge about the movie makes it clear that until the death of Coulson the Avengers couldn't focus Or work together as a team, you know, you may not be a threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero You're a laboratory experiment Roger's so petty I was good until you dragged me back into this freak show He was the only one the movie could kill to make the Avengers rally and in a world of gods monsters super soldiers and robot men Coulson is the only one Marvel could kill to make the audience care So they did but surprise got out of the ICU Fury stuck me in a grass shack and Tahiti alive You can catch him starring an agents of shield coming to ABC This whatever is shit this allows Marvel to have its cake and eat it too in a way that is frankly cheap and Thor they get The emotional payoff of making their audience feel for a character They previously were supposed to hate but they don't have to deal with the aftermath of a future Thor movie That doesn't involve Loki one of their most interesting characters and one of their better actors I could go on and I will they get to kill Nick Fury to establish that the stakes and winter soldier all together higher and to Establish that the soldier himself must be real damn good But then nope Fury's alive and Bucky's alive too as long as we're counting which I am Let's even look at the Guardians of the galaxy Groot who has got to be top five of everyone's favorite talking tree monsters is the sweet And big-hearted buddy who sacrificed himself So his team like the Avengers before them could rally and work together to defeat a common enemy Ronan killed Groot doing one of the only truly unforgivable things he could have done in an otherwise fairly wacky movie But even that doesn't matter because by the end the Groot route is all Sure, let's drop Pepper Potts off a building only to have her be fine because now she has superpowers apparently Let's let's actually do that though. Let's Drop Pepper Potts off a building a few more times I liked it if you keep doing this None of your deaths are gonna carry any emotional weight because we as an audience will just assume that Whomever you kill might come back as a smaller tree or as their father or as he wears a hat now If you ever killed Groot for real I won't feel a thing because I already wasted the good emotions the first time you killed him.
I only have like Nine sadness units and you're making me waste them on fake deaths say what you will about DC But everyone who died meaningfully in Nolan's Batman movies stayed dead except for Commissioner Gordon and Batman. I guess We're all my favorite movies so bad. I'm going to keep going to all of your movies. No matter what please Stop fake killing the fake people.
It's cheap. It's empty and it comes with diminishing returns sincerely the guy who's money You will you know can I like give you? Like five hundred dollars now, and you could just you'll just hand me a ticket for everything you're going to do we do that Say so in the comments Marvel. What else am I supposed to say? Oh? Spoilers this video contains spoilers Hey everyone, thank you so much for watching this video Subscribe if you haven't already do the other things there people are supposed to say you do at the end of YouTube videos also We like YouTube so if there are any other YouTube Performers or channels that you want us to see you want to see us work with let us know in the comments Who you want to see a collaboration with for whom at cracked two I? Nailed that one |
TheOnion | I_Would_Be_Absolutely_Perfect_For_This_Report_1_400_People_Looking_At_Same_Job_Posting | Following reports of a newly-posted job listing at area marketing firm Swenson Digital, The Onion spoke to a few of the 1,400 applicants who claim they are quote, absolutely perfect for this position. When I first saw this opening, I knew it was right for me. I mean, I've got tons of experience, I've got all the skills they're looking for. If you look at my resume, I've got everything they're looking for. I mean, I've held similar jobs like this in the past, I'm extremely driven. I really think this is going to work out. The posting, which calls for organized, energetic self-starters with potential for growth, attracted over 1,000 individuals, all of whom claimed they had exactly the skills and experience it took to set themselves apart from the rest of the pack. I've got a BA in marketing, which the posting said was recommended, so I think that'll bode really well for me. I've had plenty of team experience, and I think that would stand out, not to mention the fact that I'm great with web design and HTML, and pretty proficient with Excel and PowerPoint. Also, I think the culture is very me, you know? I think I'd fit in well with the other employees. I also think I had a great resume and cover letter. I think as soon as they interview me, they'll see I'm the perfect candidate.
As of this video's release, Swenson Digital had extended a job offer to an applicant who happens to be a friend of the boss's son.
For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
dropout | the_paleo_diet_for_cavemen | No, thank you. Why'd you no eat mammoth?
Oh, uh, me doing this thing, uh, this little Pleisto diet thing right now. What, that? It's stupid fad diet. No, no, no. It's just diet where me only eating Australopithecus ate an early Pleistocene era. That sounds very restrictive. No, no, it's not so bad.
Um, me can still eat raw fruit, vegetables, and tubers, and small lizard. Can Ugg eat early ancestor of cow? No, that's not part of diet. Can Ugg eat small stones? No, not that. Can Ugg eat big lizard? No, guys, rule's very simple, okay? Me only eat fruit, vegetables, tubers, and small lizard.
You think if Australopithecus alive today, he not eat mammoth? That not point. Ugg think he better than us. No, no, no. Me just think Australopithecus healthier before we start processing food with fire, okay? It more natural way of living. That early ancestor of bullshit.
No, it not. No, no, it true.
I show you this study, it show man who hunt mammoth 200% more likely to die early by being crushed by mammoth. Me need to see source of this study. Uh, likely not peer reviewed. It true, me read it, okay?
And tuber, a great way to cleanse body of toxin. Toxin, frequently misused word.
It not thing Ugg need worry about. Why does this bother you? Me decision not affect you. Me worry you falling for pseudoscientific claims. Health science, notoriously unscientific. It not that big deal, okay?
Diet just simple rules for help me figure out what eat. Maybe me not eat poison mushroom, or not eat rock, or shit. What wrong with shit? Shit good. Me think modern human eat too much shit. Me think Ugg develop eating disorder. Look, me love shit. Me not knocking shit. Me problem is, Ugg put big pile of shit in front of me. Me can't stop eating it. Me worry of you harming body for stupid fad. |
TheOnion | Mayan_Word_For_Apocalypse_Actually_Translates_More_Accurately_As_Time_Of_Pale_Obese_Gun_Monsters | Scholars have made an important discovery this week, announcing that symbols on the Mayan calendar that had long been interpreted to signal an apocalypse actually translate more literally to a quote, time of pale obese gun monsters.
With the help of newly discovered tablets and pictograms, leading historians are piecing together a Mayan narrative that predicted an era of total disgust and confusion, where hordes of fools feast on murder and live in filth.
The monsters detailed in these ancient texts are described as tying themselves to talking slave boxes, sending giant death birds to murder their enemies, and forcing their quote, strongest monsters to battle, Mayans ravaged to violent past for joy of all.
The Mayans were predicting the transition of the world into constant violence and sorrow with descriptions that translate almost directly into wild beasts of destruction and savage freaks constantly feeding.
Of course, we still think these theories are just nonsense.
But according to some doomsday theorists, certain connections are too strong to ignore, like a description of a slowly dying child loved by all, helped by none, which may have prophesied television's popular Honey Boo Boo. |
dropout | do_you_really_need_everything_in_that_backpack_ch_shorts | I'm gonna pull you off! I don't wanna die! If we can only somehow make you a little lighter! Rekha, you still have your backpack on! Hey guys! We can put you here before I came here! Get rid of it! What? I keep everything in this thing! I can almost pull you off. There has to be something you can get rid of! Come on! I'm thinking! There must be something!
What? What about those keys? There's like a million of them! But three of these are my house keys and I never remember which ones.
What about those medicines? The medicine is so expensive and I got these bulgos!
You gotta ditch something! I guess I don't need soup! You're not gonna be hungry if you're dead!
Yeah! But I made this! I made this!
And I never even got to taste that.
I'll find something else. This is to get rid of this small purse. A purse in a backpack? Backpack yeah, toss it this is really special cuz my mom gave it to me We don't really do gifts to my family just find something else Please I'm losing my grip.
I guess we don't really need this stuff from the previous sketch Oh, but what a pain it'll be to have to reorder all the reorder them. It's fine Are you gonna be the one who reorders it? No, then it's not really up to you.
Is it Katie? Please hurry?
No, this is a brick from my childhood home, which is since been demolished. I don't care No, I can't get rid of this an old wizard gave it to me and he said I needed someday, but he didn't say what? Hmm two copies of the same book. Come on But it was really funny cuz my aunt and my uncle both got me the same gift and we don't really do gifts in my Guess I could ditch this it's a loyalty card from the coffee shop in my hometown. I don't care just toss it We only have one punch left Do you want to go here after? Yes, I could ditch this Now you want something My whole life is in this bag my laptop with all of my good work my journals with all my private thoughts Take care of her for me Katie No Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor click here to subscribe click here for other fun stuff and thank you so much for watching I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video Things are great |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_big | Big Penny Marshall's classic coming-of-age film about a 13-year-old who wakes up one day with Tom Hanks' penis is one of the best movies of the 80s, but it's also full of awesome behind-the-scenes trivia that will change the way you watch Big forever. We know it as Big, but the film was originally titled Enormous. Before Big launched him to stardom, Tom Hanks was best known for appearing in the mirror after anyone chanted America's Dad three times. Director Penny Marshall spent half of the film's $18 million budget on this elaborate special effects sequence. Though it's never mentioned in the film itself, the screenplay regularly makes reference to the fact that Josh's testicles have somehow aged much more than the rest of his body. Even when Josh changes back to a 13-year-old at the end of the film, the script insists that his testicles have only gotten older, if anything. Pretty neat. The film was hailed by critics for its raw and unflinching depiction of John Lovitz. Zoltar was played by actor Frederick Alonzo, who you might recognize from 80s brat pack classics like The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, and St. Elmo's Fire. For the scene where 13-year-old Josh first wakes up in the body of a 35-year-old man, Penny Marshall put a real 35-year-old's penis in Tom Hanks' underwear so his reaction would be genuine. As much as I love this movie, there are some major plot holes.
For example, when Josh is first introduced, he's shown to have a map of the United States on his wall, indicating an all-consuming obsession with cartography. But after this scene, Josh's debilitating fascination with maps is never mentioned again.
And don't even get me started on this glaring continuity error. One second Josh is standing there, waving goodbye to Susan, then two seconds later his suit is a completely different size. Looks like somebody screwed up big time. And how about this production flub? Hey costume designer, last time I checked the movie's called Big. Unbelievable. It looked terrible. The famous scene where Robert Lodeja and Tom Hanks play heart and soul by dancing on the piano was originally written with them dancing on a man who was singing heart and soul, but the singer died in the Challenger disaster and had to be replaced at the last minute with a giant piano. Okay, this has got to be the most awkward high five in the history of cinema. Smooth move, X-Lax.
In a recent interview, director Penny Marshall said of the film, "'Big' is a movie about a man become large. He become big and have sex with a lady, and then he become small and have no sex. The moral of my movie Big is that sometimes you become big and have sex, and sometimes you become small and have no more sex.
That's life." Well, that's all the Big trivia for now.
Hopefully you learned something new about this 80s classic that will make watching it again even more fun. See you next time! |
dropout | blind_date_kissing_contest_sponsored | I'm Mike. I'm Eugene.
And we're going to find out if Terrible Breath will tear off a relationship. Well, Horrible Breath, hang it, hang it.
Was that sentence ended? Yeah! Will it kill it? Yeah!
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, it's a Blind Date Kissing Contest. The Blind Date Kissing Contest. Folks, what we're going to have happen today is a lovely couple is either going to kiss each other... Oh, kiss a stranger! Alright, well why don't we go ahead and meet our couple.
What's your name? I'm Victoria. And you are? I'm Brad.
What we're doing now, folks, is we're giving all these guys Horrible Breath with the Durian. Durian is the corpse fruit. It is a fruit that smells like a rotten onion.
Or gym socks. And each of you, one at a time, come in and step by Victoria. Great! How does that smell, Victoria, from a distance there? Like balls. It smells like balls.
Well, maybe you shouldn't be dating him for a different reason. Ladies and gentlemen, what we're going to do now is we're going to blindfold Victoria. Yes, and at the same time, the gentlemen are going to take one of these Listerine pocket packs out of their pockets. So now that Victoria is blindfolded, and each of the gentlemen, why don't we mix it up? You don't know who to mix it up. Sir, you are in a different game. So we're getting good whips.
Did you smell everyone, Victoria? Yeah, that smells delicious. Victoria, now the question is which one of these smells was your boyfriend, and because you're going to kiss whichever one you think is your boyfriend.
Was it number one, number two, or number three? Three. All right, so don't say it. Number three. Come on up. Number three. Number three, come on.
I am out. Pick on the lips. All right, now take your blindfold. And it is not your boyfriend. It is not your boyfriend.
Whatever you need to work through to get through this, go ahead and start the healing now. Here come the hugs. Start, here come the hugs. And here we are with the second couple for the blind date kissing contest. Again, what are your names?
I'm Mandy. Mandy. I'm Jim.
Tim, come out and bring it out. Tim, of course, lives out in the desert under a pile of snakes. He uses the snakeskin for his evil energy. No, his snakeskin. And it wakes him up in the morning.
No. Gentlemen, what you smell is a delicacy known as natto. And go ahead and take a bite. How does that taste, gentlemen? Um, like shit. Whoops. Oh, how does it taste? Oh, not terrible. Not terrible. Great. And how does it taste to you?
Kind of like a belt. We got shit, belt, and pretty good. He loves this. Great.
How does that smell to you, Mandy? I don't know what it is, but it smells horrible. Mandy is going to get blindfolded as you, gentlemen, go ahead and take one of the breath strips. Mandy, which one was your boyfriend?
Number one, number two, or number three? Number three.
Help me, right? Yes, you were correct.
Love wins again. Love! Hey, here we are with our two winning couples.
Folks, you guys won an all-expense paid vacation to Oaxaca, Mexico, staying with my Uncle Tito. He is a great man, does not speak a lick of English. And what did you learn in this competition?
I know, Mommy. All right. You were not a couple when you got here, but since you guessed him, you got to go to Oaxaca with him. How do you feel? I feel good. Feel good? All right. How about you?
Not great.
Just not with him. What did you learn? He's having a great time. Ladies and gentlemen, see you next time on Will It Kill It? |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_late_summer_sketches | Now, without further ado, here comes your. summer is almost here, and recent studies suggest that unlike previous years, more Americans are planning to go on vacation. that's why I'm so glad that my favorite songwriting duo is here to debut their new vacation-themed album. Please welcome Grammy award-winning Garth and Kat. Okay. did they forget they were coming again? Sorry, we're coming. we're coming.
Really. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, my gosh. sorry. Oh, shoot. Oh, my God.
We're Here. we tried to leave early, but we just got our driveway redone, and our driveway is so long. it is so much longer than we didn't realize. we just. so your driveway is longer now, so that's why I took you up. Yeah, we didn't look at the plans. I was just worried. you forgot about this again. No! wait. absolutely. we're over here.
Okay. And, wait, was that right, that you guys just want a Grammy? Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, oh, we don't mean, like, the Grammy-grammys. these are just words her grandmother gives out every year. Yes. we took a limo, I wore a gown, was the whole thing, and we won. we still look beautiful. Thank you, Grammy. Okay, well, either way, I'm really excited to hear your new songs.
Now, are you ready? Are we ready? Absolutely. Yes, we're ready. if anything, we're over-ready. Yeah, over-ready. over-rehearsed, even. Yes, that's possible. over-possible. Okay. well, if you know, great.
Okay. okay, well, our first vacation song is called. it's called, come with me down to the Bahamas once again. One, two, three. come along with me into the water ski. We're gonna water ski. again and again. That guy over there sold us water skis $59.99? I think that's about right. I would like to purchase that. we're. water ski, water ski, water ski going on every single water hill.
All right, I'm gonna stop you. I'm gonna stop you guys there. that's your song?
Yeah. because you said you were prepared. Oh, that one might have been a little weird because that's more for kids, kind of. you said they were gonna be kids here. No, I didn't. do you have another song? you said that.
Well, this is one for real. this is one you're gonna hear on the dance floor. Yes, we love going dancing. Oh, yeah, where do you guys like to go dancing?
Mcclellan's. I'm sorry, where? Mcclellan's. Great, that's great. Mcclellan's. yeah.
So what's this song called? Okay, here we go. this song is called groove Around because that disco ball is gonna come out once again. And strobe likes don't scare me. at all. Hey Ma'am, hey Ma'am share it, don't spare it, me and all. no, no, no, no, no, no. it's a hotel we checked into. it's a hotel we checked into. ooh, ooh, ooh. yeah, yeah, yeah. But come here, send it. hang on, hang on, hang on. sunset, sunset, sunset, no, stop, stop. No one is going to be able to dance to that. Well, tell that to every radio station that's on.
Yeah, like W-99. Ralphie in the Morning. Stephen Balloon in the Room. Series 109. The Banana Moon.
Okay, stop it. none of those are real. none of those are real. You guys did not prepare anything. Again, it seems like the only thing you prepare when you come here are your vests.
Well, it's just a coincidence. it just fits the theme. Yeah, we're actually on our way to a funeral. we're going to wear these. Look, I think you need to come back when you were really ready.
No, please, Mr. Meyers. please, please. please, it means everything to us. Please, We came all the way from the Museum of Tolerance. it's so expensive now. it's really expensive. Guys, we're running out of time. Okay, just let's do like a thousand more songs. Okay. how about zero more? Yes. no, no, no. please, Mr. Meyers. please, please. Fine, just do one more.
Okay, great. all right. this one even has music. Yes. ready? with me to my hammock. And drink from my coconut. See, this I like. going to do the dead air. playing, going to buy your own ticket. And it's going to be first class. good class. that guy's first class. this guy's coach. What?
Oh, you knew it. I knew it.
Boo. boo. you guys said it. get back there. get back there. I'm telling you we're going to have a nice time. I'm sitting at home with the pilots, and eating a little bit of rum and noodles. guys, it's Kat and everybody! y'all! hi, y'all! can I get y'all's attention? we just want to thank y'all for coming out tonight to our little party. Jolene and I hope y'all are hungry, hungry, hungry for some crab, crab, crab's legs. Enjoy the crab legs. we got so many. don't be shy. we're going to start bringing them out, so get excited for our crab. it is on the way. And thanks for coming, y'all.
Crab, Crab! Wow, I can't remember the last time I ate crab.
I'm so excited. Oh, me too. I'm starving.
I love crab. Okay. okay, and these are not those fake old frozen crab legs from Kroger, y'all. these are real, from the ocean, high quality crabs. these crabs' legs are pulled off of the bodies of America's best crabs. they are moist and from Maryland. we have so many crabs. when y'all leave this party, y'all are going to be walking sideways, clippity, clapping across the patio with your little crab feet. y'all are seriously going to have so much crab. y'all are going to leave here more crab than person, okay? I guarantee that or my name isn't Jolene, Okay? speaking of crab! God, they've got me so excited for crab. hey, I didn't need lunch today on purpose. Oh, here they come with the crabs. Oh, look, y'all. we almost forgot the crab, babes. y'all are going to want to put these on because these crabs are so moist and succulent. y'all's chest, wrists, and thighs are going to be slick with butter, crab juices, and mayonnaise. And y'all, these are bowls. they're for y'all's leg shells. be real smart about not getting crab on the patio or crab oil because of ants. Okay, I think the crab is ready.
All right, let's go get it. Honey, how long are we going to be here? Two hours. Oh, here we go.
Hey, y'all, we are going to do this at the end of the night, but Jolene and I are definitely going to be in a crab coma. So while it's on our minds, we want to pass out some party gifts. we had these t-shirts made that say, I went to Wendy and Jolene's and ate so much crab, I ate a lot of crab, a real lot of crab. And there's a huge crab on the back. they come in three sizes, small, medium, and child. Okay, so we're just going to set those right over there, okay? and y'all can just fish them out or crab them out. Speaking of crab coming out, we are going to go get those crayons. crayons! Yeah, just do it then. keep talking about the freaking crab and just bring out some crabs. they better bring that crab.
I feel like I'm going to pass out.
Oh, look, they're coming. Finally. y'all look what we got. Yeah! Oh, here it is.
Guess what's under this lid? it's a big silver tray. this is where the crab is going to lay down once we go get it. What? y'all are seconds away from crab? Seriously. have your conversations now, because when we come out, y'all's mouths are going to be stuffed with crab meat. like a crab stuffed mouth. y'all, speaking of not talking, we're going to take this time to say a little grace. everyone grab each other's hands. Dear Lord, thank you for all this crab and all your crab bounty that you have brought into our lives. Not yet. Lord, how on earth did you come up with crab? I know on the seventh day they say y'all rested, but I have a feeling y'all were coming up with crab.
Amen. Say amen, everybody. Amen.
And now, without further ado, here comes your crab.
What was the best summer of my life? that would have to be the summer of Diane. Everyone noticed Diane. how couldn't you? She was so alive. fate brought us together, and from the first moment, it was electric. we had so much in common. as soon as Diane entered my life, I knew that I had to take care of her. I showered her with gifts, but Diane was not for sale. Oh, God, she could dance. she taught me how precious life was, because that was the summer that I almost lost her. Oh, Diane. I'll never forget her last words to me. watch me. I got a piece. is that yours? Things were never the same after that. too much happened. I couldn't be the man Diane deserved. even now, years later, I think of that summer. you jackass.
Oh, Diane! which means summer is right around the corner, and I, for one, am not that excited about it, But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie. Happy Summertime, everybody. Boy, I can't wait to just sit outside and stare directly into that hot summer sun.
Or take a ride in the back of a pickup truck, sack over my head, wrist tied together, pee running down my leg, pee dripping down my chin. what the hell are you describing, man? Summertime, Michael. No, you're not. makes me feel like a kid again. Boy, I get so excited whenever I start the ice cream truck or the candy van. what's the candy van? Oh, nice job, Michael. but everybody knows you're not supposed to tell what happens in the candy van. What you trying to do? give me spanked and tickled by Old Man Cunningham.
Jesus, Willie. But what about all the outdoor concerts, Michael? you know, I remember one summer, my daddy took me to see Little Richard. he said, son, that's the architect of rock and roll. it's the devil's music, and I'm gonna kill him. that sounds horrible, man. You know, back in those days, we weren't allowed to go to the city pool, but we made do. sometimes the local firemen would come down and open a hydrant. then they'd attach a hose and spray the hell out of us. these are terrible memories, Willie. but all lives matter, Michael. What? don't you love summer baseball, Michael? Every summer, my whole family would go down to Ebbets Field to watch the Brooklyn Dodgers and throw rocks at the opposing team. But it's like my grandma used to always say, stop aiming at Jugget Robinson, Willie! Willie, this has not cheered me up.
But you know, you know who really loved the summertime? my old dog, Lucius. Oh, he used to love to go for a drive. I could leave him in the car for hours. windows rolled up, his tongue all out, Panda, nose just dry as a bone.
But it's like they always say, get out the candy bag, your dog's cooking, Willie! Willie, everybody! Happy Summer, everybody!
Well, over possible. Yeah. okay. well, you know, great.
Okay. okay, well, our first vacation song is called. it's called, Come with me down to the Bahamas once again. one, two, three. come along with me to the water ski. We're gonna water ski again and again. That guy over there sold us water skis. $59.99? that's about right! I was about to purchase that! Willie! Water ski, water ski, water ski going on Every single water hill.
All right, I'm gonna stop you guys there. that's your song? Yeah. because you said you were prepared. Oh, that one might have been a little weird, because that's more for kids, kind of. Yeah. you said they were gonna be kids here. No, I didn't. do you have another song? you said that.
Well, this is one for real. this is one you're gonna hear on the dance floor. Yes, we love going dancing. Oh, yeah, where do you guys like to go dancing?
Mcclellan's! I'm sorry, Where? Mcclellan's! Okay, great. that's great. Mcclellan's.
Yeah. so what's this song called? Okay, here we go. this song's called groove Around, because that disco ball is gonna come down once again, and strobe lights don't scare me at all!
Five, six, seven, eight. Hey, Ma'am, hey, Ma'am, and the sun's down, and I should employ everybody.
Ooo, Ooo, ooo yeah, yeah, yeah. The computer said no, no, hang on. hang on. hang on. hey, hey, hey. you got it. No, stop. stop. no one is going to be able to dance to that. Well, tell that to every radio station that's on. Yeah. like, uh.
Okay, stop it. none of those are real. none of those are real. you guys did not prepare anything. Again, it seems like the only thing you prepare when you come here are your vests. Well, it's just a coincidence. it just fits the theme. Yeah, we're actually on our way to a funeral. Okay. we're gonna wear these. Look, I think you need to come back when you were really ready.
No, please, Mr. Meyer! please, please! please, it means everything to us. Please, We came all the way from the Museum of Tolerance. it's so expensive now. Guys, we're running out of time. Okay, just let's do, like, a thousand more songs. Oh, come on. how about zero more? Yes. no, no, no. please, please, please, Mr. Meyer, please!
Fine. fine, just do one more. Okay, great. all right, this one even has music. Yeah. ready? come with me to my hammock and drink from my coconut. See, this I like. go on to the dead air playing on the ground together. and it's gonna be first class, physical class. that guy's first class. this guy's coach. What?
Oh, I knew it. I knew it.
Oh! boo! you got sick and crushed! Get back there! get back there!
I'm telling you, we're gonna have a nice time. I'm sitting outside with the pilots and eating a little bit of rum in New York. guys, that's Kat and everybody! Yo! Hi, y'all. hello, everyone, y'all. can I get y'all's attention? we just want to thank y'all for coming out tonight to our little party. Jolene and I hope y'all are hungry, hungry, hungry for some crab, crab, crab's legs. enjoy the crab legs. we got so many. don't be shy. we're gonna start bringing them out, so get excited for our crab. it is on the way. Okay, and thanks for coming, y'all.
Crab, Crab! Wow, I can't remember the last time I ate crab.
I'm so excited. Oh, me too. I'm starving.
I love crab. Okay. and these are not those fake old frozen crab legs from Kroger, y'all. these are real, from the ocean, high-quality crabs. these crabs' legs are pulled off of the bodies of America's best crabs. they are moist and from Maryland. we have so many crabs. when y'all leave this party, y'all are gonna be walking sideways, clippity-clapping, cross the patio with your little crab feet. y'all are seriously gonna have so much crab. y'all are gonna leave here more crab than person, okay? I guarantee that, or my name is a Jolene, okay? Speaking of crab! God, they've got me so excited for crab. Hey, I didn't need lunch today on purpose. Oh, here they come with the crab! Oh, look, y'all. we almost forgot the crab bibs. y'all are gonna wanna put these on, because these crabs are so moist and succulent. y'all's chest, wrists, and thighs are gonna be slick with butter, crab juices, and mayo knives. And y'all, these are bowls. they're for y'all's leg shells. be real smart about not getting crab on the patio or crab oil, because it ain't. Okay, I think the crab is ready!
All right, let's go get it. Honey, how long have we been here? two hours. Here we go!
Hey, y'all, we are gonna do this at the end of the night, but Jolene and I are definitely gonna be in a crab coma. So while it's on our minds, we want to pass out some party gifts. we had these t-shirts made that say, I went to Wendy and Jolene's and ate so much crab, I ate a lot of crab, a real lot of crab. And there's a huge crab on the back. they come in three sizes, small, medium, and child. Okay, okay, so we're just gonna set those right over there, Okay, and y'all can just fish them out or crab them out. Speaking of crab coming out, we are gonna go get those crabs. yeah, just to do it then! keep talking about the freaking crab and just bring out some crabs. they better bring that crab!
I feel like I'm gonna pass out.
Oh look, they're coming! Finally! y'all, look what we got! Yeah! Oh, here it is.
Guess what's under this lid? it's a big silver tray! this is where the crab is gonna lay down once we go get it. What? y'all are seconds away from crab. Seriously, have your conversations now because when we come out, y'all's mouths are gonna be stuffed with crab meat like a crab stuff mouth. y'all, speaking of not talking, we're gonna take this time to say a little grace. everyone grab each other's hands. Dear Lord, thank you for all this crab and all your crab bounty that you have brought into our lives. not yet. Lord, how on earth did you come up with crab? I know on the seventh day, they say y'all rested, but I have a feeling y'all were coming up with crab.
Amen. Say amen, everybody. Amen.
And now, without further ado, here comes your crab!
What was the best summer of my life? that would have to be the summer of Diane. Diane. Everyone noticed Diane. how couldn't you? She was so alive. fate brought us together and from the first moment, it was electric. we had so much in common. as soon as Diane entered my life, I knew that I had to take care of her. I showered her with gifts, but Diane was not for sale. Oh God, she could dance. she taught me how precious life was because that was the summer that I almost lost her. Oh, Diane. I'll never forget her last words to me. watch me, I got a piece. is that yours? Things were never the same after that. too much happened. I couldn't be the man Diane deserved. even now, years later, I think of that summer and. you jackass.
Oh, Diane! which means summer is right around the corner and I, for one, am not that excited about it, but here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie. Happy Summertime, everybody. Boy, I can't wait to just sit outside and stare directly into that hot summer sun. or take a ride in the back of a pickup truck, sack over my head, wrist tied together, pee running down my leg, pee dripping down my chin. what the hell are you describing, man? Summertime, Michael. no, you're not. makes me feel like a kid again.
Boy, I get so excited whenever I saw the ice cream truck or the candy van. What's the candy Van? Oh, nice job, Michael. but everybody knows you're not supposed to tell what happens in the candy van. what you tryin'' to do? give me spanked and tickled by Old Man Cunningham.
Jesus, Willie. But what about all the outdoor concerts, Michael? you know, I remember one summer, my daddy took me to see Little Richard. he said, son, that's the architect of rock and roll. it's the devil's music and I'm gon'' kill him. that sounds horrible, man. You know, back in those days, we weren't allowed to go to the city pool, but we made do. sometimes the local firemen would come down and open a hydrant. then they'd attach a hose and spray the hell out of us. these are terrible memories, Willie. but all lives matter, Michael. What? don't you love summer baseball, Michael? Every summer, my whole family would go down to Ebbets Field to watch the Brooklyn Dodgers and throw rocks at the opposing team. But it's like my grandma used to always say, stop aiming the jacket while I was in. Willie. Willie, this is not cheering me up.
But you know who really loved the summertime? my old dog, Lucius. Oh, he used to love to go for a drive. I could leave him in the car for hours. windows rolled up, his tongue all out. Panda, nose just dry as a bone.
But it's like they always say, get out the candy van, your dog's cooking, Willie. Willie, everybody.
Happy summer, everybody. thanks for watching. I'll see you next time. Bye bye. bye bye. bye bye. |
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